Learning and Seeing

Before I forget...I wanted to recount as I see it...a successful interaction with my wife and what I have come to understand better? The problems we run into so many times...is within my wife's ability to say what she means or even say...what she is thinking in way that makes any sense to me? There is a bit of logic or a piece to this puzzle always missing and this is where I walk head long into trouble because I just can't see it? There is a reason why....however, I can't see it with my wife in that...she doesn't tell me that piece that is missing and its the piece that is necessary..for me to see it? What happened this morning....helped me see?

When I walked into the room...my wife appeared emotionally distraught as if she had been or was crying? We had just checked in with the election results and as is.....Trump won and Hillary lost. I got in context...this is what she was crying about? What was not clear or to me at least....to the level that this would cause her to be upset ( to that level??? ) was and has been somewhat unclear until she made one comment that put this all into perspective for me? I asked if Hillary's loss was what was so upsetting and she said yes....which I said "I'm sorry she didn't win...that must be disappointing for you?". In which she replied "you wouldn't understand.....you're not a woman." ( buzzzzzzzzzzz- errrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!! ) Stop right there!!!!

What I understand....is that the candidate of her choice for President ( in this case mine as well ) didn't win and that is disappointing? I also understand....that if she had won....this would have been a historical event in that...this would have been the first woman to be President? I also understand...that the popular vote ( last time I checked ) was 2 tenths..of 1 % in Hillary's favor which is the same as ( in my mind ) saying the popular vote for all intensive purposes was 50% to 50%.....nearly if almost exactly that? 2 10ths of 1%...is a drop in the bucket if not less than that? But of course...that's not what determines the winner and as far as that goes.....the winner is the one who gets the most votes in all categories. I also understand....that this would be a victory in a sense...for woman in respect to being validated or in terms of having some resolution to the seeming inequality that is there? I also think....if a man was in the same place as Hillary.....HE....might have won based on the small percentage of voters out there ( who ever they are ) that might not have voted for a woman...if a woman had not been that choice and it had been a man instead? It was so close...that I do think that in this case....that might have made the difference?

But what is not clear or has not been clear to me....is why this is such a personal thing for my wife...and her seemingly preoccupation with the Gender aspect since Hillary.;....was not perfect and there were a lot of reasons or skeletons in her closet...that was probably more to do with peoples choices...than just voting for a woman....because she's a woman without considering that maybe......between the two choices......neither one was a good one but it was more of a toss up...between the lessor of two evils if you put it that way? It isn't a beauty contest or a popularity contest in that respect? The job at hand is President....and 1/2 the people voted for Hillary....any way? What is this personalization and identification thing here and what does that mean?

I've made this argument once before...with a co-worker who was offended when everyone was making fun of Sarah Palin...because she represented the Christian Right Wing....which is what he stood for or believed in? To the point...he got angry with everyone in the room for speaking about Sarah Palin's inability to be coherent...and apparently seemingly.....kind of out there in her thinking and just plain Bullshitting when she was asked a direct question like...."which magazines do you read? " Ahp.. blp....eh...er......All of Them!!! " This is what we all were making fun of...and our co-worker took offense at this????? Like Huh??

I turned to this fellow and said....."So if Adolf Hitler....was running for President...and he represented to Christian Right Wing.....you'd vote for him?" Ahp...blp....eh...er.....Christian are being Persecuted for Believing what they Believe!!!! " Is what he said? And I said..."In this country? Persecuted? That sounds like "ancient talk"...going back a couple of thousand years? "Where are Christians being persecuted in this country as in you....a white, middle aged man in America? Of all the people who are not being "persecuted "....in this country.....white, middle aged men who are Christians....are the least likely of ALL people being persecuted in this country? In fact.....white, middle aged MEN who are Christians in this country....comprise probably the least persecuted group ( as whole ) of any one segment of society of anywhere on the this planet....who could say they are being treated unfairly and have to deal with being persecuted? How do you figure?"

"Well....they are somewhere!!!!" and then he just got angry and we all left him alone?? What was more like it....is that he was feeling personally persecuted and feeling things were unfair to him personally...and this somehow was an insult to him personally....to make fun of Sarah Palin.....despite the obvious? And yes.....he would have voted for Adolf....IF he had been in Sarah place instead but would not concede even after I weaseled that out of him later when it got right down to saying "yes" or" no"...because the answer was yes....and that was where he was simply not going to admit it?

And in the same way.....this election, Hillary and what that meant to my wife....meant more than just meets the eye...and was more than just electing a President? By winning the Presidential election.....it would mean more to her....than just that and within that....this is where what I'm calling....."a hidden agenda" comes into play? What ever that "hidden agenda" is...and why it's so important....is why my wife was crying and what she is not able to say? This is that hidden peice of the puzzle or bit of logic missing..that no one knows except my wife...but she's just not telling? It appears to be the same thing to me...as saying.....I'm upset that you are making fun of Sarah Palins ability to be forth right and not just make stuff up and saying....ALL magazines......and everyone going..."that doesn't sound like an honest answer to me but I could be wrong....but I don't think I am? That was an evasive answer...to simple a question? She said she read lots of magazines and was quoting them by saying this is where I get my information? So when asked which ones.....you'd think she could tell you...right?" Otherwise....she's lying....one might think? So to argue that she's being Persecuted like Christians are ( somewhere but not in America???? unstated however completely irrelevant to the topic, Presidential Elections or the price of Tea in China no less??? lol ) by a white middle aged man living in America.....doesn't appear to make a lot of sense as to why he would get angry....and yet....cannot explain it? ( and not make any logical connection to his anger...and Sarah Palin????? Coming from a white, middle aged man in America?

And in terms that I can understand? I voted for Hillary...but she lost. The point of having an election...is to pick one.... and then one person wins and one person loses? Winner takes all....that's the way it's suppose to work? What does this mean to me? We have a new President..and the person I voted for lost? It doesn't cause me to cry however....because this is how it works? This was not a blow for women rights or a sign of gender bias or ( persecution???) On the contrary.......50% or all voters ...voted for a woman.....and Trump won fair and square? No one cheated or tried to pull a fast one. If you play a game .....and win fair and square....then congratulations are in order...for winning over the competition and giving them credit..where credit is due? May the best Man ( or Woman ) win on a level playing field which is exactly what you had...and is exactly what happened? So what...there might be a few who didn't vote for Hillary because she's a woman....but that argument doesn't hold a lot of water...seeing how an African American man won for the last two terms and he was BlACK!!! OMG!!! You think....a Black Man.....living in this country....has it worse ( or has had it worse?? ) than a white woman in America? Thinking.....I don't recall white women...being strung up and lynched by the neck...just for being a while woman in America? That's not saying anything to gender bais or unfair treatment when the playing field is level ...and you don't get picked to do a job? As I pointed out to my wife....Hillary....was no Angel and she certainly had some faults and some skeletons in her closet too? She was by any means available...a Politician...and she knew the score? In this case...there is ONLY ONE team...and that's Team America.....no matter which way the cookie crumbles? This isn't battle for the network Stars between the Men and the Women and is not a gender battle to see who's better...a man or a woman? This is just picking the team....but we're all on the same one? ( there's no crying in Baseball??? As Tom Hanks so poignantly said in the movie "A League of Their Own" ) Or are we? This is where I get soooooo confused??

This does not compute? I am not programmed to respond in this area? Is all I can say? lol

Comments

I lost my best friend about 6 years ago. Over a fight with a boy. And 20 years of shared baggage, because it is never just about a boy. That "boy" had also been our friend for 20 years. My best friend (V) had an on again, off again relationship for about 18 of those years with the boy (C). When they broke up, the last time, (which actually turned out to be the last time...a miracle in and of itself) she became very unhappy that I was not more supportive of her and wanted to continue in my relationship with C.

I made the mistake of reacting poorly to those accusations, and then she reacted poorly to my reactions, and so on and so forth until our relationship dissolved. This was very sad. A big loss for me. Analyzing it today, I have one regret. I thought I knew her better than she knew herself. I thought I knew what she needed to do to make her life better. I didn't accept her version of reality. While in the end, I would never have given up my friendship with C, I could have kept my relationship with V by doing more listening, and less talking. By accepting that her reality really was her reality. That I didn't know what was better for her than what she was already doing herself.

My husband occasionally pisses me off by refusing to even attempt to understand me. To have already come to some kind of conclusion about the experience I am trying to convey. To dismiss. You and I have talked about this before and how I need to get over my need for validation. You, in fact, (correctly) called me a victim, for saying that I never have won in three years. Sometimes it does feel that way though. My husband will never accept my concerns at face value and will constantly parry, thrust, examine, obstruct, tangent, distract, reinvent... and since his hyperfocus and his defence of self always overwhelm my own available resources to explain, in the end, he wins by attrition.

Sometimes in reading your posts about your wife, I wonder if you sometimes do the same thing I did, that my husband does. Sometimes you just need to take your wife at face value and accept, maybe you can't understand, because you haven't lived her life. Maybe every little thing doesn't need to be dissected into tiny little pieces and turned inside out so that the right side is up. Maybe she just needs a bit of compassion and understanding and acceptance because the world can be a pretty hairy place.

As a female, who has had some fairly non consensual sexual encounters, and has been preyed on in various forms and states since I was in Grade 2, electing this orange haired arrogant racist, confirms what we already know, that all is not right in the world. Maybe it is ridiculous to mourn the loss of delusion, but it was pretty hard to swallow the reality of 59 million people accepting a divisive leader.

Who knows what your wife was thinking, who knows what that missing piece of the puzzle is. Maybe she needs to keep that piece of the puzzle to herself for a bit, before letting it out into the light, where it will be dissected, turned inside out and taken from her. Maybe it is a half formed thought, an impression, that is bubbling to the surface and is not yet ready for general consumption. Who are you to insist she gives up that bit of protection?

And maybe this is just me, being a victim. You are a smart man, who has been through a lot of therapy and probably know a smack load and I will learn a million things from your reply (only way to know what you truly know is to expose your opinion to public scrutiny). But you also have ADHD, so your hyperfocus, when concentrated on the defense of self, is likely a formidable opponent. I am directly addressing my laps around the victim triangle by abandoning my rescuer tendencies. My question, to you and C (if he is reading), is what do you replace it with?

To live content with small means; to be worthy, not respectable; to listen to stars and birds, babes and sages, with open heart; to study hard; to think quietly, act frankly, talk gently, this is my symphony.

I also felt .... adrift yesterday. My shoulders humped with a weight of....of....let down, I guess. I understand it voting for Trump must have "felt" like giving the middle finger to big corporation class rule and big business greed....a moment of self righteous satisfaction as a voter must have "felt" to fill in the space for Trump in the voting booth with an angry, easy . But Trump's fear mongering in my view was just that....He is a business man and a playboy. He IS one of those big corporations that don't pay taxes and stiffs the workers....bankruptcy and non-payment for services. WOW....did the Christian Right help vote in a man who says....(I can't even write the word on an annonymous board here) and who says women are worthless after the age of 35 and has been divorced a few times and on and on and on...... Did the Christians vote him in based on "family values"? I am protestant. I have faith. But I do not base that faith on the ONE ISSUE of abortion....which I don't believe the Donald will do anything about....just words to get what he wanted for now. If I were younger I would have cried yesterday too. I used to cry....don't much anymore as I am able to ACCEPT things better.

J, if your wife could have articulated what was on her shoulders, I might deem to guess she felt the disappointment in the voters of America. To not see what just happened to us. She may have been crying in the fear of what those "changes" to come might be for people of OTHER religions, OTHER nationalities, for women, for people who would NEVER declare bankruptcy, leaving hard workers without pay for their work because it was a "Just Smart" money decision. Who is going to pay all their taxes now???? Now that we realize that SMART people don't pay taxes. I am crying inside. I just tried to share what is going on inside of me today. Maybe it is somewhat what your wife is experiencing. My faith in human beings took a shot yesterday. Fear of OTHER is very dangerous. I am crying inside for our future and the future of our children. Maybe being a white male without religion or with the RIGHT religion gives a person an exempt card from this fear. Like being on the winning team gives a certain hubris....that you don't FEEL the little guy, What just happened to America? The land of the free? We now have a ruthless, egocentric king.

The German people just wanted change in the 30's. They got it. Have we learned nothing? What kind of a person is the United States, in the White House, showing the world who we are and what we stand for? J, your wife is crying tears of fear and shame.

Our new President has a Job Description and many Bosses....He needs to be held Accountable, like all workers in America!....

We have had a very ugly picture painted for us for several years in my opinion, when it comes to Character and devotion to our Free country, and how it became Free....

I too have been very disappointed in what has been said and gone own in the bid for the supposedly highest Job in the land....The only thing I've been sure of about them two was their ability to subvert and throw mud at each other, (wasn't sure if the election would even get here before the FBI locked one of them up)....Very Nasty....

But I know who is in control!....Daniel 5:21. He was driven from among the children of mankind, and his mind was made like that of a beast, and his dwelling was with the wild donkeys. He was fed grass like an ox, and his body was wet with the dew of heaven, until he knew that the Most High God rules the kingdom of mankind and sets over it whom he will.

( I am directly addressing my laps around the victim triangle by abandoning my rescuer tendencies. My question, to you and C (if he is reading), is what do you replace it with?)

I can only share what is working for me D.O....

Continue daily to recognize my tendencies, so I can change them...Which has been things like:.....Allowing myself free reign to point out the readily apparent dysfunction in others, with unsolicited advice and statements of correction that only does more harm than good, and then base my self esteem on the results of my efforts...Which only cries Victim on my part, no matter if I was right or not...... (seeking to control or change another person)...

So I must replace this kind of thinking and acting w/ Live and Let Live....Acceptance...

It's very hard to do some times because what we are accepting maybe quiet painful to us personally, especially in a marriage.....So it is hard to just allow only acts of Love and Acceptance to be our go to....Because it leaves us walking away so many times when there is no mutual unity to be had...(Two people sharing in a healthy loving relationship)....

As I battle myself and hold myself accountable to do this....The reality of each relationship in my life really becomes much more clear, and I can have a much more positive influence on others...Even if at times silence is all I have to offer...

Also when I live with my direct daily focus on Self awareness and Acceptance of Reality (mine and others), then my own faults and tendencies don't scare me so bad, and my denial of them is replaced w/ "OK, I can work through this" at that point it doesn't matter what others are doing or making important, because I find that I'm gaining ground on the one mind and heart that I truly can impact....

As I move deeper into acceptance of reality, I find my neediness goes away....And I find myself at peace and "Living Well", and isn't that all any of us can do?

Your comment about unsolicited advice that does more harm than good, really hit home with me. I want to choose peace and happiness for myself. I can work through this. Thank you for your encouraging words.

To live content with small means; to be worthy, not respectable; to listen to stars and birds, babes and sages, with open heart; to study hard; to think quietly, act frankly, talk gently, this is my symphony.

In the example you gave about your friends and then....being put "into a position" of having to make a choice? I'm saying this is not an easy as "black and white"...but now you are confronted with a choice of either one. Either...."or" ..and you don't have an exact answer because there isn't one? Unlike voting for one of two choices that are quite opposed to each other in respect to the way they see things and how they approach things.....you can't get more "black and white" than that and the choices are easier to make?

I think you are right about my wife needing compassion and understanding....especially when I have a pretty good idea why that is coming from my own experience with the source ie: a domineering parent who demanded you "think like her and if you don't...there will be a problem." Better to keep things to yourself and not say anything and that is the pattern I see as it presents itself to me?

The problem though with that....is that I am married to this person and despite my own...."live and let live" philosophy as a rule......now I'm put into this position...of being accused of things or of thinking...or just not agreeing with my wife ( openly )...and that to her is a threat ...all by itself? Even with that.....I'm still not so compelled to get her to "change her mind" or to get her on board with me...but when you live with someone who is sabotaging themselves in this.....they also start to sabotage you from the same thinking that's doing it to themselves...and you are forced to say something now because of it?

For example: my wife's lack of trust...( in general ) causes her to be suspicious and with that in her thinking...."well if I want something done....I'll have to do it myself. No one is going to look out for my best interest so if I want something....I will have to do it." I'm quoting my T there by the way in this "frame of mind" that comes from this? But it's that very frame of mind...that is her own undoing sometimes...because you "can't do anything for her"....even if you want to? Trying my best sometimes...if someone won;t allow you to do things from this thinking that precludes you already....the thinking is..."you won't"....while the entire time......"you are"...or at best....trying to beat her to the punch line and that in itself is nearly impossible? She will say on one hand...she doesn't want to do something....and then she'll turn around and do it...and complain about it afterwards? This is not even an exaggeration at times? I will say...."yes...I'll do this. Don;'t you do it now...I'll do it"...by a certain time that is agreed upon? And before the time line given is up.....she do it anyway and then accuse me of never doing it?"

"You never to it!!!" As the accusation is spoken which is really not accurate at all. Sometimes I miss things...but even within that...I actually do it more often than not ( just inconsistent ) meaning I'll do it without fail for a week or two....and then something happens and I get distracted ...."once"...and then "once" becomes always and never which is what she actually "believes."

So within the compassion and understanding....I can apply that to this thinking and give her that much without making a big deal about the accusation itself? That's not so much the issue. More to the issue...is when this "belief" gets extended outwardly to other things...and sno balls out of control to the point that...."I never do anything. And always let her down"

Even with my own understanding of why "disappointment" for her....and "failure to accept" her reality is so hard for her in terms of that imposing force being thrust on her and within this thinking...is only validating her belief even if you miss something :"once" out of 10 times.....once becomes 10...and 10 becomes 20...and this gets exaggerated on like this..until it becomes ridiculous?

And even within that....I can still hold my own and be more forgiving to her in light of all of this and that's not the problem for me personally? When it actually crosses the line of what is reasonable for me is when this catastrophic thinking now goes into delusion and I'm doing things I'm not doing...and now having to pay a price for that? Paying the price comes in the form of her trying to beat me before I even get a chance at doing it.....getting accused of "never" doing it.....and then being treated as IF....I never do it...and treated like that person. That person....as the person....who fails her 100% of the time......"never" does "anything" ever....and "never" does what I say...so ....she HAS to do these things before I even get there ( even in the same day )...and is furious or angry and hurt...from this dissapointment that may have happened two weeks ago..."once".....out of the dozens and dozens of times I did but can only focus or see the one time....I didn't? Her language is so exaggerated along with this thinking in those terms ( always in absolutes...black or white ).....you are now put into this "black or white"...either or....do or die....emergency the sky is falling kind of position this puts you into...and it's sabotaging your ability to function or even do things for yourself? It's "micro management" gone to the extreme and it causing you to malfunction now...along with her at the same time?

And the part that I can see in this even if she can't......"it's compulsive"...not "impulsive" behavior...and is justifies as to everything except.....that one by her? Saying...when she does ( whatever ) before I even ge the chance and say " I'll do that by tomorrow night"...and you wake up in the morning and it's done already ( last night ) before you even are allowed the chance....what that is in how I see it...is my wife cannot take the chance of even being disappointed "once" because "once"...is a catastrophe and the threat or risk that she cannot accept...is even experiencing that "pain"...one time because "once"...is already....one too many...for such a fragile existence or way of moving through life?

It's not that we all don;'t experience these things all that different just like you brought up in your example.....but we all don't fall apart of come unglued....if even one thing goes wrong...or someone fails us....just once? And even with that......now...you're REALLY skating on thin ice since once was already too much.....twice...is unthinkable and too much to bear?

It's this exaggerated, over blown and totally over the top thinking ( catastophizing ) to an extreme...that gets exceeded to other things...and now...you're the bad guy? It's like tippy toeing in a room full of dominos all line up and ready to make just one false move or slip...and then they all start falling in a chain reaction that there is no way to stop? You might have just accidentally "brushed up against ONE"...but in essence to this analogy.....you just cause the entire room of dominos ( all 1000 of them ) to topple over and now they all have to be set up again and lined up and this could take hours to do?

So in this example...what happened here? Did you brush up against ONE domino....and caused it to fall? Or did you knock down 1000 dominos and caused a complete catastrophe? The problem with that is ( any way you want to see it here? ) If you've got giant clown shoes on that extend out 3 or 4 feet in front of you....it makes it difficult for anyone walking by you if your shoes take up the entire space and can't NOT step on their toes once in a while..... since in order just to walk across the room....you have to remember to step over these giant exaggerated clown feet...which is not normal for everyone..and you only have to remember that with them but no one else? And since they don;t realize they have clown feet and think that everyone is just careless and is being hurtful everytime these big feet get stepped on....then it's everyone else who's doing this...even though they might only do it once out of 100 times....it still hurts and they're still doing it to you and can't understand that while yes....everyone has "feet...and everyone has "toes"...and everyone when their toes get stepped on will feel pain?

But the fact that everyone doesn't have clown feet that stick out into the walkway.....does make a difference in why that happens and the reality is ( or her reality )...that I'm stomping on her toes....when if fact....I'm, doing my best not to but can't NOT bump that one domino....which cause this chain reaction that she just can't see?

To the point....if you got a room full of a thousand dominos all lined up and ready to fall......this causes you to be dysfunctional when you can't even move and are painted into a corner?

That's the point where "live and let live"...is not allowing you to live except in a corner....because your afraid of bumping ONE domino...and causing 1000 to fall each and every time you do? And then comes all those "absolutes" like "never" and "always" and "forever"...including all this exaggerated exponential thinking that actually believes this in reality and this is how you are treated? As IF....but not really? If that makes sense? It's not so much about getting her to think or see things the way I do...it getting her to let me off the hook....and this "Kobayashi Maru"...no win scenario on daily basis...just so you can breathe and have a little space to move in?

In essence to this...she's not saying....."get in your corner"....but if I go anywhere but "my corner"...then she's treating me like an intruder in here space ( a threatening interloper ) but she's one with gigantic oversized clown shoes on...but doesn't realize how much space...those shoes take up so as not to step on them? Not just me...but for anyone? That's the problem?

J

This is that "position you're put into"....where you "have to" say something even if...you understand...and can be compassionate and you even see this for what it is?

And I think your post and mine pretty much distils the whole ADHD/non-ADHD relationship and I don't need to tell you anything. You have been through it all before a million times.

Yes. One hundred per cent, it sucks. I get it. I see myself in your wife. And I apologized to my husband tonight. For not being a better wife.

The truth is, it sucks. That two people who have brains that work in different ways. That two people who love each other aren't able to communicate that love to each other. I cut my husband slack for 1.5 years. It got me nowhere, but ignored, as he cycled through crises after crises, and I quickly learned, I could sustain his attention, if I was a crises.

Yes. It is unfair. It is unfair that your wife forgets all the good things that you do. It's unfair that she takes out her anger and her fear of abandonment on you. It's unfair that she treats you like you don't matter.

You deserve love. You deserve compassion. You deserve understanding.

Its also unfair, that sometimes (not saying this is your case, I am talking about me now), I sustain behaviours that I have been taught by my family, my friends, and my society are consistent with neglect, disrespect, control. That certainly does not give me the right to treat my husband like a jerk, but I also deserve love, compassion and respect.

And I think this is where the answer lies. I cut my husband some slack, for forgetting I exist, for not showing up when he was supposed to, for forgetting to prioritize me, who he loves more than anyone in the world. Show him some compassion, some love, some respect. Because its not really his fault. His brain works differently than mine.

And he needs to learn to cut me some slack, when, my heart breaks, when I lose my temper, despite trying so hard to hold it in, despite trying so hard to love my husband, because sometimes, it really sucks, to come home, night after night to an empty house, to get lost amongst whatever pretty, shiny thing catches his fancy, to live a life, quite separate, from the person who is supposed to love me most in the world, have my back, be my friend.

I am sorry J. Its hard. And you are right. You deserve better.

To live content with small means; to be worthy, not respectable; to listen to stars and birds, babes and sages, with open heart; to study hard; to think quietly, act frankly, talk gently, this is my symphony.

Deserving better? If I distil everything you said down to one thing? It boils down to one of two choices ( here we go again...black and white ? possibly? ) Positive thinking or negative thinking? Two poles on a magnet or two "fields" of polarity in electricity? If you take a two magnets...and you put them near one another...they will either attract and pull together and stick....of if you turn one around to the other pole ( the opposite one than before ) and you try and put them together....they now push each other away ( or repel one another ). In fact...the harder you try and push them closer together...the harder it gets because that "force" gets more intense.....and the "more force or power" or effort it takes to keep them there...the closer they become in relationship to one another in this "pushing away" power that you "feel" or "sense" in relationship to yourself ( as the control or constant here ) as you attempt or try and push them closer?

And simply put....if you turn just one magnet around back to the other pole now.....the moment they get close enough...that same pushing power..is now reversed and they will pull together with the same force which is the equal force but now without any resistance there to counter act one movement and done in reverse now? I honestly believe there is something to this as far a WE are made in the same way? Did you know for example...that two car moving at 50 miles an hour and head on into each other....is not double the impact force ( not the same as hitting a wall at 100 miles an hour? ) It's actually ..( I hope I remember this right ? ) still the same as hitting the same wall at 50 miles an hour but....the inertia...and the dynamic power of mass in motion is what increases the impact force not the rate of speed? That's not what you might expect...but as it is.......mass ( or quantity which is the quantifiable measurement here in physical terms ) is what makes up the difference? So inertia...and mass has more to do with force of impact...than does rate of speed alone?

Our nervous systems and brains ....operate as a series of electrical impulses or currents and (nerves) are our wiring? A computer is nothing more than an artificial brain with the same system of two choices put into a bar code of binary inputs and the wiring and everything else is just reading the command inputs of each "code"..is what instructs the computer to perform a particular task?

My brother in law ( now retired ) worked for Intel for years and he was telling me of a technology that they already have developed ( how for a while )...where....they can put those cardio senor thingy's ( lol ) on you temples ( close to your brain...and the person in front of the screen can operate the computer hands free by just thinking ...either "YES"....or .."NO"...and the sensors can pick up the difference in the electrical current in our brains and can tell the difference which ( literally...and I mean that literally ) can tell that difference to tell the computer for example...to turn the page just by"thinking" "yes".......or......"no"...and the page on the screen will change just by "thought" or 'thinking it"? And the "speed" in which a person can do this is many many times faster than doing it the way instead of doing by pushing a button or switch..... or "mechanical" means ( the computer key board ).

Just think.....a paralyzed person like Steven Hawking...can "think" the thoughts and they appear on the screen without any need of his hands or the ability to "type" or "speak" and the computer ....through those sensors "thingys" ( LOL )....can actually "sense" this difference in those electrical currents or "impulses"?.

So in terms of thoughts....and in context to polarity or "poles" on a magnet.....( or even how the earth is just one big magnet with an iron core and two poles...North and South )....you have these forces of either "attraction " or "repulsion"........"induction" and "movement" ( like a motor or generator ) which creates electrical currents and impulses in our brains? ( which can actually be measured quantifiably ........ or noticeably "picked up" by these sensors as being either positive or negative?

So imagine....if a computer, ( with some help of some electrical sensors and some wire) can do this.....how well we can do this in our own ability to sense things that are either "positive" or "negative"...and then ....."how we translate" that into our thoughts which is what forms our perceptions? That intermediary step in between our perceptions and the input....is our "thinking"...either "positive" or 'negative"? "YES".....or......."NO".

So imagine a person who is "stuck"...chronically in "negative thought?". Glass always half empty...in stead of half full....and trying to get them to see it the other way? And if you yourself are that corresponding "negative charge" or pole on the magnet....it's like taking the two negative poles and trying to push them together and they are repelling one another by equal force? But you as the one...are only aware of the "pushing force" you "feel or sense"....and not your own force being applied equally into this against theirs..... as in Newtons third law ie: to every reaction ( or force ) being applied...there is an equal and opposite reaction but it is always variable or "dynamic" in that if you change one.....the other will change on a dynamic curve that is a asymmetrical just like when you move the magnets closer or further away...the the intensity or "pushing" or "pulling power"....either "increases" or "diminishes" as the the space in between changes as you move them ...in or out....closer or further....faster or slower.....movement causes a change which can be measure or is "quantifiable" in that it can be recorded by means of a devise or machine that can tell the difference just like a lie detector or those sensors or your temple that a computer can read either positively...or ....negatively?

And not to get off on too much of a tangent here in this somewhat abstract way of seeing things....this concept I'm saying...can even translate itself into what we call "prayer" or "meditation"....and as I first discovered this myself.....in the arena or sports or performance?

When I first started swimming as a kid. You do what everyone does. You just get in and start kicking and flay ling your arms...and wind milling them around as fast as you can move them until you can't get any more out of them and you are spent and start to tire? After enough of this....your body starts telling you ( screaming at you ) to stop!!! STOP!!!! It HURTS!!!! STOP STOP STOP!!!! IT HURTS HURTS HURTS!!! And pain is the indicator that tells you when it's time to stop? After too much time goes by....your ability to endure this weakens until you finally give up and stop since you can't stand the pain anymore and then you decide it's time to quit? You go from "YES" ...I can do this.......to "NO".....I can't...somewhere in the process?

And once you do that and make that "change" that you decide to do. You may not realize it....but you do decide or make a choice...every time you reach that place and it is not necessarily automatically "NO"....even within the pain that you experience? If some other input is added into this....it can dramatically change the outcome as in how your body responds? If you body is screaming for you to stop....but you continue on anyway....your body will have to compensate now in another way...and this comes in the form of that mechanical or functioning part for example....."adrenalin". Once you body has had enough of this pain.....it will start to produce chemicals that will enable your body to go on much farther or do things you could not even imagine otherwise? The potential for this is there....but you do have to learn how to develop this which come in the form of learning these marker points and what your body is telling you....in contrast to what you want it to do?

So putting this all into context now.....the power of "positive thinking".....has a tremendous amount of potential that is actually...going against these negative "impulses" or electrical messages that your body is sending to the brain....that can be over ridden by you....once you learn how to do this? The pain threshold where before you decided it was time to quit....get extended upwardly along that same dynamic curve.....and within that same dynamic curve just like with the two poles coming closer in a magnet..... the closer you get to what you want...the more negative "power" or "pushing power" that you experience......the more you need to summon the equal amount of "force" or "pushing power"....against it in a positive way? Positive.....literally.....versus.......negative? And all of this is happening...inside you. You have power ( through your mind and thought ) to control this....an over come these negative forces outside you....by means of those forces within that when they become greater they allow you to advance further or farther...than you would otherwise.

The key ingredient in all of this however...is pain. Pain can be seen then....as either an immovable obstacle that you cannot get around ( as I found when I first started competing in swimming ) which limits your ability to advance or improve.....or it becomes something to simply overcome ( not make go away ) and with that.....your ability to endure and maintain yourself in the same fashion as before...without quitting or without it causing you to fail. ( or the case of swimming ) slow down?

To the point? There is something magical that happens when you reach a certain place within you were the pain becomes so intense and you are pushing positively towards your goal...that transformation takes place ....which transcends the "ordinary"....or "usual" and "the expected.".....to the "un-ordinary "..."exceptional"...and the "unexpected" as in the "not normal".... "not to be expected".... and the "exception to the rule'. What you learn from this experience...is that your potential given all these criteria....has an element of potential ( unrealized )...that literally....you don't realize that we all have inside us....until you experience this? What I'm saying is....it can come naturally in certain circumstances in a crisis or emergency...but when you learn you actually can create this yourself in situation which are not necessarily needed by the power of "positive thought"...over...."negative" thought and how that "translates" to you body....and then into "action".

It's this "translative"......"transformative"....or "transcendental" state between your mind and thoughts and your body in the physical....that wields this power and the means to control it...that I firmly believe...that there is a manual over-ride "switch"....that lives in your core deep down in your heart of hearts....that you can summon at will if you dig down deep enough and can find it.....which has to be "flipped" by you.....in order to make this happen. Call it what you will....."the right stuff"......"have what it takes"........or any other means to refers to this but....once you find it, and learn how to use it......what becomes "hard"....is not so "hard"...and things in general becomes easier when confronted with the same pain again and you understand this potential you have that is just waiting there if needed? It seems as though the balance between what you believe and what your potential is....takes a quantum shift or leap to a different or new equilibrium or set point...and then everything else just "shifts" along with it...in one big fell swoop. And with that....your relationship you have with "pain" changes because of this? It's this net result your after at the end of the chain of events that is what you finally realize in all of this....which becomes a new belief in yourself and of others but that can get you in to trouble....if you don;t consider that not everyone has found a way to do this...and the ability to transcend on demand or find that "switch" so you can dig down ...find it and then switch it....is more elusive or even to the point of not realizing any of this with no ability or power to control it of wield it...or even find it in themselves in the first place? It did take me years of training and failure...to finally find that switch...but once you do...you never really lose this ability but you do have to put the effort in each time....and it's not necessarily "automatic". By default...and by any other means available...the default "settings" for everyone to begin with....begin right where I was in the beginning when I first started swimming and discovery what :"pain" is all about? Creating an intimate relationship with "pain" and learning how to over come it..and transcend it so your body can continue on further than before.....I believe truly....is a sign of strength of character...and our ability to transcend pain? The question it seems is not that it possible...the question only becomes when you get there....can you do it......or can't you do it? And then going through the wall that transcends "pain" in order to accomplish more or something "outside of yourself" which boils down to motivation as a means to do this? And what I found in that difference is.....you are limited in your ability to do this soly for yourself which seems to have a cap or governor on it......compared to the motivation of doing this for others which has no limitations as to the potential this has in comparison? If this comes from the "heart" as it's origin ( the switch or manual over ride ability ) ...the power of Love and giving....transcends the power of self and selfishness and only doing things from that motivation in comparison? There is a negative limit on one...where there is no limitation or limits in which this places on that potential speaking within this relationship itself. There is this relationship you have with self...and then there is this relationship you have ...within the relationship with others as well? If I haven't totally confused you with too much abstract information here to put this into context?

I can put this yet another way too. In terms of the electrical- mechanical relationship and the "exchange" between electrical energy...and mechanical energy within this ability to over ride pain? It's easy to do things that are easy......what is hard only is hard from this inability to over come our default settings if you will? The "right stuff"...as it seems...does not come automatically and it is a learned skill that takes some doing but more over.....if you've only lived in negative thought for so long and this is how you see everything...then everything will be negative and the glass can only be seen as half full? In order to know the difference......the glass.....has to "full"....at least once, so you know what your potential is and to even realize any of this....before you can even get off the ground and "fly" for the first time?

What you said here I wanted to relate to everything I just said D.O> "

"And he needs to learn to cut me some slack, when, my heart breaks, when I lose my temper, despite trying so hard to hold it in, despite trying so hard to love my husband, because sometimes, it really sucks, to come home, night after night to an empty house, to get lost amongst whatever pretty, shiny thing catches his fancy, to live a life, quite separate, from the person who is supposed to love me most in the world, have my back, be my friend.

I am sorry J. Its hard. And you are right. You deserve better."

What is hard? For me...in all of this....what is hard is trying to convey this to a person who has not realized any of this? As I see my wife ( who is suspect unconfirmed of having ADHD )..l see a person with this amazing potential that is unrealized and she is stuck in her default settings of only seeing what is negative...with no connection within her ability to understand the control and power she posses within her....but has never experienced what I am saying and I find it extremely difficult in knowing this....but trying to convey that to her? She is "stuck" or gets "stuck"...so often in her ruminating thoughts....that she starts "spiraling"...in the other direction....completely the opposite of the transcendental one that will unleash this hidden switch inside her? She hits that wall and when she feels the pain ...she listens to what her body is telling her or screaming at her to do....."STOP....IT HURTS." And so she stops and that's the end of it. If it feels good....do it. If it hurts or has pain involved......STOP.....don't do that? Simple right....what's so hard to understand? Black and white. Yes or No. Pain means NO....and no pain means YES.

And what I am proposing here...is just the opposite? Pain means YES....and no pain...means NO. No pain.....no gain. Simple. What's so hard to understand? Effort iws the only requirement...but with no motivation or no understanding of this....then there is no means to find the effort or no reason to do it? No reason means no motivation what so ever? The easy route is the right way...which involves the least amount of pain? That is the goal in this kind of thinking always.....the least amount...instead of the most amount...and taking the "hard road" is not even a consideration here and if forced to take the "hard route"...then this is a horrible nightmare of an ordeal if that's how you see things from this perspective?

It goes no further than that an no other consideration ever crosses her mind? Why on earth...would I....with intention....do something tht hurts? It's hurts you idiot!!!! Why can you understand? Everything hurts and I hurt all the time? How can that be positive and how can I see that as anything but? That's only negative and there is nothing positive about pain or things that hurt?

Is pain the same as we experience it as it ..in the "pain" from one person or the next? Or is it the ability to over come pain...and change the relationship to it? Is it all in your head? Or is it in the ability to find that switch in your heart...and dig down deep when needed ...on demand to over ride the pain?

So in essence to this and what I deserve as I see it? I deserve what ever I put into it...and the effort will reflect that in my ability to over come pain especially on someone else behalf? In respect to this....I deserve only what I earn...and I earn it by putting in the effort and over riding my own pain? Pain is the constant here between us.....how we deal with it can be as different as night and day....positive and negative...and the outcome will be determining by my ability to do this for myself...which will also determine what...I am willing to live with at the end of the day?

My frustration ( in reality ) is the resistance or flack I get from my wife.....when she spirals out of control in the negative...and me getting impatient and annoyed at her inability to find that switch and get over it...the same as I....have to do all the time and still stay positive? It's only her inability in this that upsets me or gets me riled sometimes...especially when it comes with so much doubt and insecurity and "not believing"...that this is possible when I know it is and I know how I got there...but cannot give my wife this experience and teach her how..necessarily?

And in my new way of seeing all of this....being the Dragon rider is equivalent to breaking a horse. If you want to make a believer out of someone...they have to experience the pain...and go through the wall themselves if that's ever going to work? If you got a horse....who wants you off there back because they don't like it or feels uncomfortable to them but is obviously...not hurting them in the physical sense....then strapping yourself on their back with a rope of a harness and riding it ( that way...not trying to forces them or push them from behind like a Mule ) ...you are in essence...becoming one with the horse...and you are moving with them and anticipating there every move for the purpose of "staying with them"....instead of being "thrown off".......that experience with you are their back in that way....will teach them that this pain is no so bad after all....and they will learn to get use to it and you will still be with them...the entire way through it?

Your ability to be a Rodeo rider and breaking a horse...will be determined by the pain you are willing to go through and to endure the process and feel the burn and the bumps and bruised that are inevitable? You can't have one without the other...so you might as well buckle up and let her buck. It's the only way as far as I can tell?

I know I have already included this video before...but without some further explanation as an example here? It just so happens that I am familiar with this exactly...so I can comment on this better by doing it that way? In this amazing race at the 2008 Bejing Olympics.....as I see it....Jason Lezak did the impossible and by all those viewing both experts or non experts in the world of swimming...everything that I just detailed and described is exactly what Jason Lezak did rigtht down to the letter...exactly. He transcended the ordinary to the extra ordinary for a purpose or cause outside of himself ( for his team mates and for Michael Phelps namely ) Michael Phelps in respect to Jason Lezak...would not have accomplished his record breaking gold medal count if it hadn't been for Jason Lezak? Michael Phelps in his own right....repeated within his ability....the potential he had which was reflected by his contribution? What Jason Lezak did was transcended himself and in turn...transcend the current world record holder at the time...and beat him due to only one fact as I see it in this one race and this one moment in time? In essence.....what Jason Lezak did what re-invent himself in this one small space in time...and did the un-expected and went beyond what he was capable of....which the word record holder swimming next to him did not believe was possible? In essence....what lost the race for the French guy next to him ( only this one time ).....was a belief that was founded within his ability and believed in only what he believed was possible for his opponent swimming next to him without considering this? Basically...he under estimated his opponent..and believed something that was wrong or negative?

And after this in interviews with Jason Lezak.....you learn the pivotal moment in this race ( right after he makes his flip turn on the wall ) and comes out next to him...and realizes that it might be possible to win or beat him? He dug down deep and flipped that switch in the midst of his own pain...and went from negative to positive...and went through the wall and transcended his own potential to a new level that had never been done before? This electro/mechanical exchange ..that manifests itself in these moments...which is purely and simply harnessing this power which translates into a "super strength"...or "super human" quality....by tapping into the power of positive thinking which transcends pain or inability....into ability with untold potential?

If you listen to the expert commentator Roudy Gains ( 12 time world champion and multiple god medal winner himself ) you can hear the disbelieve ( the shock and the amazement ) and excitement in his voice from where it started out as saying....." I just don't think he can do it, Dan........"...to....."I can't believe that....I just can't believe he did that". This is coming from a person...who is not saying that without his own experiencing this and being "realistic"...not negative in that respect? He was and is...and expert by any means...so to hear that coming from him ( not the network stooge or color man ) which was his genuine assessment of this and was not "hype" by any means? What he realized as well as I can see.....is that this was a rare moment in time when someone does this in such a way that was so clearly obvious at such a pivotal moment?

At minute 4:50 in this video,....( according to Lezak himself ) was when he flipped that switch and dug down deep in his heart of hearts....and went through the wall of pain and changed that relationship with pain to something else instead. Instead of saying "NO"......he said "Yes".....and look at what happened? When it boils right down to this....what happened was when his body and the pain he was experiencing screaming STOP.......he the person in his mind was deciding and saying GO.....and YES I can......

While his opponent said "I can't"..and couldn't believe that he could be beat? One person was negative...the other one was positive? One person not believing...the other one was a believer....a believer in the positive...instead of what was negative? And when that happens as I personally believe...is when you dig down deep and flip that switch....you unlock and unleash the powers of the universe which is the energy forces within it which are outside of yourself...either positive or negative? But it's always a choice and you are the one who makes that decision ( like Jason Lezak did ) in every case or every moment of time you can apply to this...... each and every time which does require you to do it.....manually. It won't just happen...on it's own as a normal course of affairs?

That's my take of all of this as...and how I see my wife in my eyes and her potentially if I can nurture that out of her. I believe it;s there....but just yet untapped? I'm just now learning how to do this better in another person....even though I know how to do it for myself....it's within my inability....that I am focusing on in order to do this as I see it which is not contingent on my wife's inability but more to my own if that makes sense?

As I have said in the past....I am the most reluctant leader on the planet and that only comes from not knowing how? It's easy...once you know how as they say?

I also like the example of the switch analogy, and pushing through your pain. I appreciate the depths you go to explain yourself so I is easy to understand.

I have two things I want to say:

1. I had a moment yesterday, and pushed past the pain, flipped the switch, and won. I am grinning ear to ear today, because I am basking in the glory of winning myself. My husband had three children with a very disturbed woman. And for some reason that I don't understand (probably because I have never asked an have made some pretty bad assumptions) he keeps this woman in his life. She has done some very destructive things to me, to my husband, in front of her children. They are old enough now, to be embarrassed by it. Yesterday was their anniversary. And she made a very public declaration about it on social media. Why? I don't know. I don't know why she hasn't moved on as they have been divorced for twenty years. I initially has a very visceral response to this, I called my mom and cried a bit, but reigned myself in. My husband wasn't around so I had some time. He commented under t post about how much he loves his children. Normally, this would be a domino that would set off a thousand domino's. Then the calls, and texts, a emails started coming in, from concerned friends, angry family members, and even his kids. And instead of dropping all the dominoes on the floor, I kept my head up, and side stepped the fiasco. And my husband watched, waiting for the other foot to drop, so he could get defensive, and angry, and avoid his own pain. And I didn't. I made dinner, told him I loved him, and watched a movie with him. At night, when we were settled in bed, I told him about how, it was easy to forgive my daughters father, when he abandoned us, because my family and friends did the anger for me. I told him, it was easy for me to forgive him, for continuing to allow this woman in his life, because his friends and my friends did the anger part for me. He tried to start up his defensive mechanisms, but I told him that I appreciated him, and loved him. An we went to sleep. Miracle. No fight, no devastating aftermath. This morning he told me he wants to stay married to me for the rest of his life. Who knew? So thanks. If I hadn't read your post about projection and your wife, this would have just been another horrible disaster in our shared life.

2. I work a lot with chronic hospital patients. People who have had surgeries that have gone wrong, who have suffered from complications, who have lost control of their own bodies, who have been poked, an prodded, and sleep deprived. They are often difficult, and have maladaptive coping mechanisms and abuse pain medications to control their internal pain. It is my job, to efficiently rehab and discharge these patients. The first thing I do, when I meet them, is to sit down and in an unhurried way, explain who I am, why I am there, and what my job is. And then I listen. And invariably their story is the same. They are traumatized, deeply traumatized by their experience, and are in shock that no one is interested, that everyone just has their own agenda, and they have had to comply. And any time they tell me about their pain, which is obviously all encompassing, but not physiological, I believe them. I agree with them. I provide examples of other patients I have had and yes, heaven forbid, I am validating them. And then I tell them, that they are getting better, that in 2 weeks, or 4 weeks, or two months this will be over, this part of their life that has been so difficult. I tell them everyday, something positive I see in their process. And then I start returning control. I let them design their day, I remove unnecessary rules and constraints (Hospitals are all about rules and constraints). And then, I remind them about the person they were, before this happened. I ask them to bring in clothes, I ask them about their hobbies, about their plans, about their dreams. And I don't know why I am telling you this, but invariably, this works. The patients get better, they become humans, instead of traumatized puddles of grief. An it isn't me who does this, it is them, they just need someone to sit down beside them for a minute, and help them orient themselves, and they find their own way.

Anyhow, I wish you the best of luck with your wife. I am happy today that I have married my husband. He is a good, but frustrating man. He isn't interested in dealing with his own pain, but that is okay. Maybe I will just hold his hand, believe him, and trust he will find his own way. I am going to enjoy this moment of happiness, and try to remember that no one can take it from me, unless I let them.

To live content with small means; to be worthy, not respectable; to listen to stars and birds, babes and sages, with open heart; to study hard; to think quietly, act frankly, talk gently, this is my symphony.

"He is a good, but frustrating man. He isn't interested in dealing with his own pain, but that is okay. Maybe I will just hold his hand, believe him, and trust he will find his own way. I am going to enjoy this moment of happiness, and try to remember that no one can take it from me, unless I let them. "

As I read this....I was thinking about you actually? I thought about how you came here at first....and was ready for ( me in fact )...to be different than you might have possibly imagined and you had taken a different position with me ( at first )...than you are now as you are responding to me? I can't know exactly what you are / were thinking...but you were and are even now....still listening and being reasonable?

And I...given the circumstances here.....have tried to be the voice of reason....instead of "rationalizing" and making excuses and trying NOT to be defensive as best I can? I am trying to do that as much and as often as I can...within "reason"....and so have you?

"Reason".....as in...there are "reasons" that things happen in reality..... that are not excuses but are "real".....in "reality"? This is what I have tried to offer as a possible means to get on the same page with anyone who may or may not.....agree with me on anything? I'm not trying to "make anyone" agree with me or feel the need to do that at all? I'm also not trying to do much more than anything else...get to a place to "talk about" the way you feel and listen to what ( you or anyone else )....has to say with an open mind and consideration? If I stated that well.....this I think could be stated as my "goal"? In other words....this is what I want.....stated simply and clearly? My goal is not: necessarily to defend.......to make excuses......or to find a way "out of" feeling the way I do...by trying to get someone to believe me or agree with me necessarily....but to do the same thing and "think about it"......instead of NOT......"thinking about it"....and giving the same consideration even if it's about something of great importance to me personally.....and taking myself out of the picture in order to do it? In that respect....I'm taking how I might personally "feel" about anything...and trying to come to terms with that....in contrast to ( or respect to )....someone who may or may not......"feel the same way" ( or agree with me )......"necessarily?"......despite the way I feel? ( despite...or in spite of ) the way "I" feel...is the operant word here? Hopefully....all I can really accomplish at that one moment in time....is to give "food for thought"....for yours or anyone else's "consideration"...and to think about or give "respect to".....in a respectful way if I've accomplished my goal here? In the very essence of this.....I'm trying to be "reasonable"...and using ( hopefully ) good reasoning ability and reason...in order to accomplish my goal? And in order to do that.....I try and offer insight...and perspective...and my personal examples ( or experience ) to show evidence of this as my means to do so?

Obviously....there are differences of opinion.....which is where this all starts in the first place? I'm not here to argue or accuse ....or just to "vent" only....even though that does leak into to this always to a certain degree....since you can't really take your personal feelings and perceptions out of the picture completely as I was saying to NON? The best you can hope for....is the person on the receiving end.....will be able to read into that with a grain of salt...and still hear the reason in what I am saying....and can consider and respect that too? The same as when I do the same thing with them....as best I can do?

What you said about....."frustrating man".....I was going YES!!! My wife is a "frustrating woman"...and what makes her frustrating mostly....is within her ability to be reasonable which is at best.....one of her worst qualities...and what she lacks in most....in a general way? To the point....that even when I am being reasonable and trying to offer her the same thing ...this appears to even make her MORE angry ( than less ) because I'm actually taking away any "reason" for her to be so upset and out of control of her emotions....and not that just seems to be like dumping gas on the fire and making it worse not better sometimes ( actually.....many times more often than not? )

I remember one of these moments a long time ago...where it was very clear to me in that moment....that mhy wife...was clearly upset ( a something that was also clearly obvious ) that boiled down to the nut here as...."not getting what she wanted".....in that one moment in time? And I responded without thinking any more into that ( at face value )...by saying rather sarcastically...." Didn't your ma ma ever teach you......you don't always get what you want?" And she looked at me with these incredulous eyes ( with a bewildered look ).....that looked to me as saying ( what the Hell are you talking about?????? NO....she didn't....I've never heard that one before LOL )

Most of our confrontations start out...by me wanting to be reasonable and talking about the "WHY?" ( my default for everything....."why?" lol )...and her only wanting to talk about...the "what"?

What's the problem here ? "I want WHAT I want...and I'm not getting it!!!!! " And from this somewhat....child like appearing statement or position....it goes no further than that in her thinking because her emotions have taken control of her...and she can't hear or see anything else in these moments in time? Reason...and being "reasonable" with a person ( or any age ) who takes on that position.....is a waste of time and you'll get no where fast....by even trying to "talk with them" about it and offering "reason"....no matter how "good" it is....does nothing to defuse this...and is only providing more evidence to the contrary....which only makes her more angry...than less....given the particular circumstance at that moment in time?

The problem ( for me here ) is: her ability to regulate and control her emotions....that much is clear. But can I say that or speak to the "problem?". OMG!!! ( what do you think? lol )

When I offer a compromise or some means to negotiate or do any of this at all ( as a peace offering no less or even with her benefit in mind )...it makes no difference in fact...it only makes it worse not better...and any ability to "think"....."reason"...."negotiate"...and come to a compromise goes completely out the window on her account. Which reminds me of her mother.....as I have referred to her as in the past when she was still alive in these same kind of circumstance as...... "throw mama out the window" ( instead of "Train" taken from the movie with Billy Crystal and Danny Devito ) and with my personal sentiments attached to this in the same vain....."when they were handing out the brains.....you thought they said Trains...and told them you didn't want any? LOL ).......NO less??? LOL An equally fitting and child like statement since.....I hear that one in first grade or so......even if the shoe fits as they say? LOL

If it were a small child for example....this might call for what is known as....." a time out". To be blunt and to the point? And that right there...for all intensive purposes...is exactly what these situations call for....but instead of demanding that you child "go to their room".....either one or both of us....have to do this voluntarily...or this will just escalate into a fight?

Last night for example...was a perfect case in point. I had fallen asleep late in the evening while we were watching a show on TV....but that in itself was not the issue since my wife did this as well? But when I woke up and went into the kitchen to get a glass of water so I could go to bed like she was doing....she suddenly goes..."well...you could unload the dishwasher while your standing there and load the dishes in the sink." ( one dish and glass from dinner with two forks...that was it."

Now one might assume...a lot of things along with me and having ADHD....but you'd have to consider the fact....that I have been pretty faithfully taking care of my own messes and dishes and such...for quite a while now and that is not the problem as I'm seeing it here? As I'm seeing this ( very clearly as )...my wife's pet peeve ( beyond that to more of an obsession ) in having things completely in order and nothing out of place when she wakes up in the morning because this causes her an disproportionate amount of anxiety and stress that she cannot speak to or talk about aside from getting instantly angry and upset and is completely inconsolable whenever that happens? And in light of seeing the many possible scenarios in my wife experience......where one unreasonable person....begets another one....I can easily imagine a scenario not unlike this one...with my wife being on the receiving end of it now? I can imagine quite easily....that my wife's mother....probably had a lot of the same pet peeves.......and for that reason alone....passed that onto my wife...not for her benefit....but for the benefit of her mother in the same way? Walking on egg shells like this for an undisclosed but "long duration or time"...can give anyone a complex over this...and could easily give a per an anxiety disorder over being "perfect"...and never making a mistake? That would give rise to OCD behaviors...in consideration of this fact?

So here I am....standing there half asleep and my brain is only 1/2 turned on because I just woke up and now I just want a glass of water and then go to bed ( at 11:00 pm )...and my wife is trying to "guilt me" into unloading and loading the dishwasher ( right then no less....instantly on demand because???????????? )...and me starting in and then stopping and going....."wait a minute"....this is the last thing I want to do right now in fact......"I'm not doing it?" WHY....can this not wait...until the morning like I was originally going to do? All because of 1 plate....one glass...and 2 forks? The rest of the kitchen was completely clean even if not completely "sanitized"...but there was no mess and there was no reason to do this....at all?

And so I said.." you know...I'm not going to do this right now...I'm going to get a glass of water and go to bed and I'll do this in the morning like I was going to do it and the last thing I'm going to do...is reward you for bad behavior in that...trying to "guilt" someone into doing something is completely disrespectful and dishonorable. No....I'm sorry...I'm not playing that game with you." Which I didn't and I walked out of the room and sat back down to calm down ( internally since....this made me angry for a moment.....but I was not getting angry with her overtly speaking or showing I was?

And then it started....as I was sitting there calming back down and getting my own mind "right" and back to where I was ( about to go to sleep because I was tired and 1/2 awake and wanted to go to bed ).....my wife starts slamming door and cabinets as I hear her unloading and loading the dishwasher which took her about 10 minutes of slamming....and I heard things crashing onto the floor and falling out of cupboards...and her stomping around and "acting out"...and intentionally.....bringing attention to the fact...that SHE was doing this NOW...this very instant that can't wait until we wake up in the morning..and is being completely unreasonable ( and having a mini tantrum ) and acting out just like a child. Just like her mother did...when she didn't get her way?

And just like her mother did...for probably the same reason.....somehow.....a "woman's work is never done"...while her husband came home at night from work...and never lifted a finger? The same as it was in my home which is why I can say this? The difference there however was....my mother never complained about this ( since she was a SAHM ) and that was her accepted "lot" as they say...and she did this without reservation and that was not a problem?

What is and was a problem with any of this....is that I personally...never felt like that was fair even then? Even as a child....I did not expect or demand my mother...to wait on me hand and foot? To the point...that as soon as I could when I was like 5 years old? I learned when I woke up before everyone else first thing in the morning as was my tendency many times especially on weekends...that waking people up so they can serve me was met with severe consequence!!!!! LOL No less!!! lol I remember distinctly...learning how to pull the drawers out of the kitchen cabinets creating steps up to the counter top...and me walking across the counter tops of our kitchen when I was little...and helping myself to the cereal that was kept up there as well as getting a bowl and a spoon...and then getting the milk out and only making a small mess in spilling any on the counter, or over spilling a little on the floor while making my way to the table so I could eat? Which was the norm until I got good enough to keep it all in the bowl as you're suppose to which eventually I did?

And what I remember was....my mother was rather pleased in a good way...to see that I could do that? She was more concerned about me falling off the counter ( which was absolutely not going to happen and never did...I was a born climber..and I don;t FALL!!! I may jump....but I never fall!!!! LOL ) And she was not so worried about a little milk on the counter either which she quickly;y cleaned up along with any on the floor? That was not so much an issue even if her, myself and anyone else at the time new...the goal was to keep it in the bowl...and I knew that too...at the time ( as a 5 years old?) The goal within the goal here...is not to not spill milk or not fall off the counter....the goal here was to get food for myself..and not have to be served which I accomplished without a problem so I could eat and not wake everyone up? As I'm writing this even now.....what I was doing ...was not unreasonable if you think about it?

What would have NOT been reasonable...if my mother woke up and walked in and went...."OMG!!!!!!!!!!! God Damn it....look at what you've done!!!! Now I have to clean up your mess!!!! Look at this...there are drop of milk leading to the table...and there is milk on the counter and you've pulled out all the drawers!!! Look at the work you created for ME?? ME ME ME!!! It's all about ME!!! Now I have more clean up after you yu careless child!!!! YOU YOU YOU!!!!!! Now there's more to do...than there was before!!!!! OMG!!!! I hate my life!!!! A woman work is never done!!! While my deadbeat husband does nothing but sit on his ass and have me serve him all day!!!!! You should be ashamed of yourself you wicked thoughtless child!!! That's what we think about this...your father and I!!! "

And with me..if it were me in that case....I might have been apt to say....."Well....what about the fact...that you didn't have to make me breakfast. get up from sleeping...and I was considering these facts when I did that and I was taking care of myself and my own needs so you wouldn't have to? I was considering YOU here? What about that part?"

Now a reasonable person....would consider what I just said and think about the other side of this in light of the first way of seeing this situation?

And in light of what I just played out as an alternative scenario....I don't need a crystal ball or time machine to know that this was exactly what my wife"s mother did to her? I know this as "fact" from my own experience....and everything that came out of her mouth at all times because it was the same...and never changed? All roads lead back to the same premise as before...all arguments or input to the contrary...circled back to the beginning and the beginning began with "what about me"....which always ended in the same place as well...no matter what you said? When your a victim...someone is "ALWAYS " doing something......too you???? And from that position.....it's the only thing that anyone can see?

And the "reason"...I can say this with so much assurance? Is because I was....that "victim" in the past.....but just not anymore? Takes one to know one as they say? That doesn't mean I'm doing this anymore however....but I can recognize it just the same...and I can call BS ...or a spade a spade....because of it? That doesn't mean I am judging you or even myself in my moments even if I fail to see it for just a flash or less in my thinking..it only means I recognize the reason for it....catchy myself and bring myself back down before the words even form on my lips ( even if int more rare moments when my emotions get the better of me ) ...and therefore...I have the ability to be reasonable about it even if I am annoyed or a bit "miffed" and I don't fly off the handle and starting accusing everyone else at the same time and trying and use "guilt" as a means...to manipulate or control others at the same time?

My ability not to react...is "high"...and therefore....I don;t just "react and fly off the handle"....and start stomping around and slamming doors and acting like a child despite having ADHD and despite my tendencies to be "emotionally libel" I can maintain composure and decorum if needed and called upon?

a thing or circumstance that brings undeserved discredit on a person by misrepresentation.

2. (in admiralty and ecclesiastical law) a plaintiff's written declaration

MMMMMM????? Interesting? A "plaintiff" ? As in...the wronged or the victim who is accusing someone else of ...."wronging them" or doing "harm to them?" But doing it in the ways described as in:

"a false / ( and / or ) and malicious statement about a person. ( with the intent to shame and cast blame, fault or "guilt" ) A "thing "....or...... "circumstance" that brings undeserved discredit on a person by misrepresentation."

Look at this statement. A "thing"......or....."circumstance"...is separate from the "person"...even in this statement from the dictionary? "On a".....or....."on to"...a person.....by misrepresentation?

That right there...is the foundation for every fight or argument that my wife and I have ever been in over anything? As I see it in other words here.....my wife is completely emotionally dishonest..and she what she presents to me....or.....represents to me....is her acting out like a child who cannot control her emotions and this is exactly what you get from that kind of child like thinking?

And when you have a mother.....who at age 78 when she died.....literally...the day before she died....was reaming out the nurses and attendants...for not meeting her needs in the rehab facility...just like I saw her reaming out some poor guy who just walked in off the street...and did something that her mother didn't like in the lobby of the rehab center with a host of people looking on and going WTF!!!!! Including me?? And when I asked my wife what that was all about.....my wife said...."don't ask...just leave it alone. Who knows?? "

The problem with me is....is always want to know why and I always ask ( even if...not directly to the person themselves? ) In respect to this....."I can't leave it alone either sometimes which is my version of a touch of OCD and being a little "preoccupied" as it were? "Anxious"....and then....."preoccupied"....with the "why?"....which is not unreasonable....only if it does not go into "obsession" with this and it prevents me from functioning?

Do here I am...sitting there and listening to my wife stomp around and act out like a child..and being really loud so she makes sure I know she's in there doing what I refused to do going.....that ain't my problem? Why is this upsetting me? And instead of my "default"...and becoming "preoccupied" ( or aqngry with her weak and failed attempts to guilt me...which only ramped up even more with this childish display which was not only embarrassing ( or should have been ) with her slamming doors and trying to get a rise out of me and trying to manipulate me like a child would who needs a time out in these instances.......I took a "time out" on my own....and just ignored her completely...and pretended as it none that was happening and went about watching a show on TV and turned the volumes up to drown her out so I couldn't hear her which only made her more angry but it was not my intention in doing it?

The thing is here...my wife literally IS...."childs play"...in these moments and if I wanted to...I could "Fuck With Her"...endlessly at her expense and that would be easy for me to do? Like "when they were handing out the brains.....you thought they said Trains....and told them...you didn't want any??" When bringing up the case with feeding myself ( and taking care of mu own needs as in: feeding myself? ( A requirement to stay alive no less? ) So I didn't wake up my family, become dependent on my mother........ and spilling milk on the counter top or a few drops on the floor in the process?

As my response to this >>>> ."OMG!!!!!!!!!!! God Damn it....look at what you've done!!!! Now I have to clean up your mess!!!! Look at this...there are drop of milk leading to the table...and there is milk on the counter and you've pulled out all the drawers!!! Look at the work you created for ME?? ME ME ME!!! It's all about ME!!! Now I have more clean up after you yu careless child!!!! YOU YOU YOU!!!!!! Now there's more to do...than there was before!!!!! OMG!!!! I hate my life!!!! A woman work is never done!!! While my deadbeat husband does nothing but sit on his ass and have me serve him all day!!!!! You should be ashamed of yourself you wicked thoughtless child!!! That's what we think about this...your father and I!!! "

Only seeing what is "WRONG" or....negative. And no ability to see what is "right"? No ability is actually saying a refusal in my mind here ....since that would mean....you could no longer be a victim...and would have to become reasonable....which would take away any power they might have to control or manipulate you otherwise? If they had to give that up by seeing the "other side of the coin"....they would lose their power and have to concede to what I said earlier "Didn't your mama....ever teach you that you don;t always get what you want??"

As well as adding into this "Who's this we? You got a turd in your pocket?" ( for bringing the father into this which the father....had literally everything...and nothing to do with the child both at the same time within that statement itself even though...he was probably oblivious to this and did not say that or join in with her in her thinking about this what so ever? ) The Queens "we" here......."we" thinks...this is unacceptable?? My, my....aren't WE special?? Imperious....no doubt! I taking a lot of things said by both my wife and her brother...and observing her do this to form this opinion? Especially in light of her mothers many husbands that for the most part ( aside from drinking and ONE in particular who was physically abusive ). The only complaint of criticism I really heard at all...was how the husbands worked and came home and didn't help with housework? If you wanted to cast a wider net than that especially of as a "group" to condemn in that age range ( life as a child in the 30's and 40's )....you'd have to be pretty ignorant of the fact that this was accepted practice....up until a certain point in time when it was actually being challenged? And even with my own mother not actually having a problem with that part in so much as....it was what was expected and that is not the fault of any one "Man"...or ...."Woman". So for her mother to grow up in the same world as everyone else and not be able to see that and blame these Horrible Men" she chose to marry who all let her down? When it's always everyone else who's the problem...and that person is always...."innocent".......That person....is NOT INNOCENT...and they are just......"playing dumb". It was amazing how quick and "smart"...her mother could become....when it served here to be that way? And how quickly she became....."not very smart"...and could "play dumb"...when that served her in the same way? She wasn't very aware of herself and highly manipulative in that respect...and it was really easy for me to see because she was NOT very good at doing it and didn't hide it very well?

And the answer there is both NO.....and yes......her "mama" never taught her that you don't always get what you want? What she taught my wife...is how to be a victim, and manipulate to get your power....from the mind of a child ...instead of an adult......who has no ability to reason or "think" like an adult...even if she could function like one which she could..that part was also clear? ME, ME, ME.....and YOU , YOU, YOU!!! And the only power to get her needs met...is through the art of diversion and pointing fingers and being a spoiled "brat"...on top of it? Like in ( as I'm envisioning the fantasy here or her delusion ( or imaginary vision ). "When I grow up....I'm going to a "Princess"...and everyone will Love me....and I will live happily ever after!!"

In reality.....her mother...was taking on the entire world in her thinking....that they were all doing bad things to her and she never got her way or what she wanted? The reality was....she always got her way and always got what she wanted in everything ....( like my wife said....."don't ask...just leave it alone" ) Compassionately saying....what she needed she didn't get from her father and she definitely had "father issues" without getting into all the details? She was not her fathers "Little Princess"...and that much I do know is true? But saying....that is no excuse?

Don't ask....amd just leave it alone". Interesting.....that exactly what my wife got last night and exactly what I did?

Be careful what you ask for.....you might just get it? But will that make you happy? That's the million dollar question?

I'm with you here on this much DO......."I am going to enjoy this moment of happiness, and try to remember that no one can take it from me, unless I let them. "

In the midst of yet another OCD temper tantrum and getting angry when I told my wife I'm not going to do this ( and you arn't getting away with that or what you want because of it ) because you attempted to guilt me into and that ....it was late and I was half asleep and didn't want to rigth hen at 11:00pm at night.....poor poor me..,..a woman work is never done? BS...nice try but that isn't the reason and that is completely insulting and disrespectful to my intelligence and to me personally? ) I refuse to play that game ( dishonest emotional / reactivity and inability to "think" and be reasonable and catastrophic emotional chain reactions and the sky is falling right then in the moment including misrepresentation and libel claims being thrown at you as a means to discredit you )...when you just woke up and are standing at the sink getting a drink of water??

And then calmly walked into the other room and turned on a great show on the Mars land rovers they sent there and all that they learned from doing this. That was really a great show and was facilitating and enjoyable...despite my wife pounding and stomping and slamming around and "acting out" like a child? I completely ignored her and she eventually, went away...and with me being perfectly happy and content and not letting that get under my skin. Like a fly....buzzing in my ear....a minor annoyance...but nothing to focus on of give any attention to what so ever?

That last part might sound "mean"....but in light of what you are saying.....I think it's the only reasonable alternative you have ....under "these circumstances" that is?