Monthly Archives: October 2012

So I know y’all go cuckoo for norse myths
but right now I feel like telling Japanese myths
so you are just going to have to make friends with your inner otaku
pull up a pair of distended raccoon testicles
and get comfortable
because now this is happening:

So Susanoo
He’s the rough and rowdy storm god who gives 0% fucks about everyone
but somehow he has found someone willing to touch his lightning penis
and as a result, he now has A BUNCH OF KIDS
ALL OF WHOM ARE GODS
BECAUSE JAPAN CALLED, AND IT NEEDED A FEW MORE GODS.
Anyway, one of these gods is named Ohonamochi
which means “Great Name Posessor”
which is sort of cheating, as far as naming someone is concerned
I mean I have never seen an Oscar nominated feature film
called “Film With An Extremely Appropriate and Poigniant Title”
you don’t get to take that shortcut, Susanoo.
And ANYWAY
if this guy has such a great name
then how come when he and his eighty brothers go out courtin’
(Yes, he has eighty brothers.
Are you surprised?)
Mister Great Name over here is the one who has to carry ALL THEIR BAGS?
Also, as a side note
why are eighty bodacious Japanese gods
all going out to court A SINGLE HOT CHICK?
It’s not like there’s a shortage of goddesses to choose from.
Or maybe there is…
MYTHICAL JAPAN:
PERHAPS THE ULTIMATE SAUSAGEFEST?

Anyway
Ohonamochi is carrying the bag for all his awful bros
and they prank a rabbit so hard that it becomes SERIOUSLY INJURED
and Ohonamochi feels bad for the rabbit and heals it using his god powers
and then the rabbit is like “Thanks dude!
Turns out I am ALSO a god
BECAUSE SERIOUSLY EVERY LIVING THING IN JAPAN IS A FUCKING GOD RIGHT NOW
so I am going to give you holy dibs on that princess your bros are all going to try and woo!”

So then they all get to where the princess is
and the princess predictably refuses to marry ANY OF THESE DUDES other than Ohonamochi
so Ohonamochi’s bros get understandably pissed
and they decide to pull one of their patented HIGHLY INJURIOUS PRANKS.
So what they do is they go up to Ohonamochi and they’re like “Hey dude
we need you to catch this giant red boar up on that hill over there.
If you don’t, we’ll totally kill you.”
And then what they do is they carve a boulder to look like a boar
and then they set it on FIRE
and then they roll it down the hill
and when Ohonamochi tries to catch it
LIKE AN IDIOT
it burns him so bad that he dies.
PURE HILARITY.

Okay, wait
they got him to do that by threatening to kill him
and the end result was that they killed him.
Are these dudes just so hard up for laffs
that they couldn’t have just beaten him to death the regular way?
I mean, there’s EIGHTY OF THEM.
But actually, killing Ohonamochi is harder than you might think
because this dude has a super committed mom
who goes to a bunch of other gods
and gathers up all the necessary god-honey and magic juice necessary to resurrect her son.
So Ohonamochi comes back to life
and the first thing he does is go back and hang out with his murderous bros.
THREE MINUTES ALIVE
ALREADY MAKING TERRIBLE PLANS.
So his bros are like “Alright bro, welcome back.
We triple dog dare you to stand in the middle of this tree we split down the middle
and then we are going to remove the wedge that is holding the tree apart
and it is going to crush you.”
And Ohonamochi is like “DURR, OKAY.”
So he dies AGAIN
and his mom gets him brought back to life AGAIN
and this time he has the presence of mind to not hang out with a bunch of murdering dudes.
Instead he hides from them in the Land of Trees
which seems like an odd choice for a guy who just got killed by a tree
but anyway, after wandering around for a while
he ends up at SUSANOO’S PALACE
and this chick called Princess Forward
immediately locks eyes with him and then ten seconds later they’re married.
She is called Princess Forward for a reason.

But Susanoo is having none of it.
I think he has maybe even forgotten that Ohonamochi is his son
because as soon as he finds out about this marriage he’s like
“YOU WANNA MARRY MY DAUGHTER?
HERE’S WHAT YOU GET:
YOU GET TO SLEEP IN THE SNAKE HOUSE.”
Yeah, Susanoo is the kind of guy who builds a snake house
just so he can tell people to sleep in it.
But luckily, Princess Forward has some kind of magical snake-repellant scarf
so she just gives that to Ohonamoci, and he’s fine.
But then the next day
when Susanoo finds out he’s survived
he’s like “OKAY WELL GOOD JOB
NOW YOU GET TO SLEEP IN THE CENTIPEDE HOUSE.”
He’s apparently got a whole collection of houses full of terrible, terrible things.
But apparently, Princess Forward has a matching collection of scarves
because then she just gives Ohonamochi a centipede-repellant scarf, and he’s fine.

So the NEXT day, Susanoo decides to get a little creative
and instead of finding another terrible house for Ohonamochi to sleep in
he just fires a magic arrow into the middle of a swamp
and he’s like “Alright, dude, go get that arrow for me.”
So Ohonamochi goes into the swamp
and then Susanoo sets it on fire.
WHY DOES OHONAMOCHI KEEP DOING THESE THINGS PEOPLE TELL HIM TO DO?
LITERALLY NONE OF THEM HAVE TURNED OUT WELL.
IT IS LIKE THIS DUDE IS ADDICTED TO TERRIBLE DECISIONS.
But LUCKILY there is this hyperintelligent tribe of mice in the swamp
that find Ohonamochi and show him where to hide from the fire
and then dig up the arrow and bring it to him
and then he crawls out of the swamp, all gross and covered in soot
and he gives the arrow to Susanoo like “Now what?”
And Susanoo is like “Well, I have all these centipedes in my hair.
I don’t know why they’re in here.
Maybe because I live on an estate attached to a CENTIPEDE HOUSE.
Anyway, they are getting on my nerves
so I need you to remove them for me.”
And Ohonamochi predictably agrees.

But then PLOT TWIST
once he has lulled Susanoo to sleep with expert scalp massages
he proceeds to remove no centipedes at all
and instead tie all of Susanoo’s hair to different parts of his house
and then run away with Princess Forward
along with Susanoo’s sword, and his bow, and his magic harp.
But it turns out that a magic harp is a terrible thing to try and steal
because it knocks against something and then THE WHOLE EARTH RESOUNDS WITH ITS CALL
and then Susanoo wakes up
but he is tied to his house by the hair, so he doesn’t do a very good job of chasing them
and instead he ends up just standing in the doorway of his ruined house
yelling at his fleeing son, like “GREAT JOB, DICK.
WHY DON’T YOU JUST GO AHEAD AND USE MY MAGIC SWORD TO KILL YOUR BROS
AND THEN TAKE THE NAME ‘GREAT MASTER GOD OF THE LAND’
AND SET UP A SWEET TEMPLE AND RECREATE THE EARTH AND STUFF?
HOW ABOUT THAT, ASSHOLE?”
So that’s exactly what Ohonamochi does
because he always does what people tell him to do.

So the moral of the story
is if all your friends are telling you to jump off a bridge
you probably SHOULD do it
because underneath all that rushing water and death
is a bunch of IMMORTALITY AND SEXY LADIES.

Yeah ok I know it’s not technically Halloween
but there seems to be this weird, totally agreed-upon rule
that in the Adult World
(by which i mean the period of time
between when you can legally purchase alcohol
and when you begin actually having life responsibilities)
That regardless of when Halloween is
it is actually on a Saturday
because i guess most people in the Adult World
have foolishly organized their lives in such a way
that they can’t just be drunk and wearing sexy nurse outfits ALL THE TIME
yeah, fuck, right?
I totally got taken by surprise
much like the dude in this story you’re about to hear

MEET ICHABOD CRANE
he is one of those dudes who has the misfortune
of having a name that perfectly captures how ugly he is
dude is seriously like a scarecrow with body image issues
and not the kind of body image issues a scarecrow SHOULD have
i mean like the really really fashionable kind of body image issues
hey have you noticed that nobody ever seems to have like
reverse anorexia?
like where no matter how much they eat
they just don’t feel fat enough?
My suspicion is that these sorts of people do in fact exist
but that there existence is being covered
by MacDonalds and the liberal media

anyway, Ichabod Crane definitely doesn’t have reverse anorexia
although he is kind of disturbingly obsessed with food
but we’ll get to that
right now what is important is that he is a schoolteacher
in a tiny dutch town called Sleepy Hollow
which sounds like a really cutesy euphemism for daterape
and all the hot babes are totally into him
because he knows how to read and READING IS SEXY
DO YOU HEAR THAT LADIES?WASHINGTON IRVING SAID IT IT MUST BE TRUE
COME OVER TO MY HOUSE I OWN AT LEAST LIKE FOUR BOOKS.

okay so anorexia, schoolteacher, hot bitches.
done done and done
what else do I need to tell you before we get to the murder part?
(^Spoilers)
Oh ok yeah
So even though Ichabod Crane has his pick of the crop
as far as ladies are concerned
(and also as far as actual crops are concerned
cause he gets to live with the farmers and totally mooch off them
and actually I think Ichabod views ladies and crops kind of the same
like he is always looking at pumpkins and imagining pies
and then looking at ladies and imagining giant lady-pies
in fact I think Ichabod Crane might be a cannibal
WOULDN’T THAT BE SPOOKY?)
he sets his grotesque bug-eyed sights on the hottest lady of them all
I don’t remember her name
I doubt Ichabod does either
considering the fact that he describes her to himself as
“plump as a partridge;
ripe and melting and rosy cheeked as one of her father’s peaches…”
Anyway, what’s important is that she is hot
or at least delicious
and also her dad is fucking loaded
with huge tracts of land
covered in all kinds of idyllic dutch farmer shit
most of which is also edible
which is a big plus for Ichabod Crane’s VORACIOUS METABOLISM
oh hey did I tell you this guy likes food?
He likes food guys
he uh
he really enjoys it.

but the problem is that this hot chick is also being courted
by Gaston from Disney’s Beauty and the Beast
except he’s dutch now for some reason and his name is Brom Bones
whatever
history is crazy sometimes
just go with it
But this strapping hunk of man can do nothing to stop Ichabod
despite a truly vicious campaign of practical jokes
because Ichabod gets himself hired as the chick’s singing instructor
and quickly goes about establishing a totally inappropriate student-teacher relationship.

all of this comes to a head one night
when Hot Chick’s dad has a really bangin party at his place
and Ichabod gets all dressed up and heads over
and busts such incredibly sick moves on the dance floor
that he is briefly mistaken for Shiva
and he is wowing Lady Hotness so hard
he is certain that tonight is the night he’s gonna get some
(and by “get some”
I mean “inherit all her lands
then sell it all and move to Kentucky”
because oh yeah
Ichabod is kind of a dick)
but then SOMETHING happens
I don’t know what it is
maybe he takes his dick out too soon
maybe he tells her she is a plump partridge and she takes it wrong
but whatever it is
by the end of the night Hotness makes it very clear that she is not going to take it any way at all
wrong or otherwise
and Ichabod has to get back on the shitty horse he stole from some farmer he’s staying with
and ride home in the spooky darkness

oh fuck guys I forgot all this backstory i was sposed to tell you
okay real quick
there’s a dude around here who rides on a horse and has no head
they say he got his head shot off with a cannonball in the war
but that’s bullshit
how would he still be alive
anyway, Ichabod is riding through the woods and he sees that guy
and he’s all “OH SHIT” and starts trying to get away
but his shitty horse malfunctions
and the horseman hits him in the head with a pumpkin and he dies
or at least disappears
although later some people say they saw him in New York
running for political office
which i guess fits
plenty of vampires in politics
oh and also Brom Bones acts really shady about the whole thing
so uh
who knows what happened!

I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED
Ichabod Crane failed to spit sufficient Game
and the universe punished him for his lack of mojo
WITH DEATH

and that, my friends, is the moral of the story
so tonight, when you find yourself rubbin up against a nice honey
with whatever sexy bumps or nodules you find particularly attractive
remember
that if you do not spend the night at this person’s house
TONIGHT
you will be murdered on your way home by ghosts.

Alright guys
the format for my book is getting finalized
and unfortunately part of that finalization
means eliminating myths that are making me go over the page count
but your loss is your gain, actually
because that means that any myths I have to take out of the book
i can put up here
like for example
this one
So here’s a little story that illustrates just how different the Norse gods are
from ALL THE OTHER GODS EVERYWHERE:

So Odin, right?
He’s the Allfather
king of the godschopped up his giant dad and fed him to the sky.
Dude has friends in high places is what I’m saying
and all of those friends in high places
they are all WAY overshadowed by the high place that Odin is at
which is a big tower
equipped with a chair
that lets him check out ANY PERSON at ANY TIME
so if anyone is going to be omnipotent
it’s gonna be him, right?
WRONG, SUGARTITS.
THIS IS THE NORSE PANTHEONWHERE EVEN YOUR PRECIOUS GODS SUCK ASS AND DIE.

Observe:
So Odin is a guy who likes knowledge.
He will do pretty much anything for knowledge
all the way from reading the entire encyclopedia
to this one time
when he NAILED HIMSELF TO A TREE.
YGDRASSIL, THE WORLD TREE, to be precise.
How does one even nail one’s self to a tree?
At a certain point I feel like you run out of hands to nail yourself with
although I guess Odin is the Allfather
and the least the Norse can do for their Allfather
is give him extra hands to help CRUCIFY HIMSELF WITH.

So why is he doing this?
Well apparently he is doing this in order to invent writing.
Yeah
he has to sacrifice himself
TO HIMSELF
in order for some invisible switch to flip in the universe
and unlock writing for everybody.
He has to sacrifice himself for NINE DAYS to do this
and during that time he does not eat or sleep or anything
and he only stops when the nails actually RIP THROUGH HIS BODY
and he falls down onto the ground
screaming
like you do when you’ve been nailed to a tree for nine days.
And then he knows all these runes
like the runes for increase and power and war
and most importantly
SEXUAL PROWESS.
Yep, guys
Odin stapled himself to a tree-stump for a week and a half
in order to make his dick work more efficiently.
That’s commitment.

So the moral of the story
is that you are not trying hard enough in bed.

So this dude buys some wood
so far so good
he’s a carpenter, that’s what he do
where problems start happening is when he starts sawing that shit
and the wood is all OWW FUCK STOP THAT
and the carpenter is not a fucking sadist
so he sells it to someone who is:
GEPETTO THE HOBO
yeah this dude is so poor
that apparently the sole means of income still available to him
is puppeteering.
my friends
you know you have sunk low in this life
when your get-rich-quick scheme
is making little wooden midgets punch each other in the head

but so gepetto takes this wood home and starts whittling it
and all of a sudden this huge wooden dong starts growing out of it
and he figures that would only be useful for a certain kind of puppet show
so he quickly turns the block of wood upside down and makes that into the nose
but things soon take a turn for the worse
because when Gepetto is done whittling
what is sitting there in front of him
is a fucking FULLY SENTIENT TALKING PUPPET
like, this dude just invented Chucky
and what’s worse is that Gepetto HATES children
but that’s okay, because apparently Pinnochio hates everybody
so he immediately runs away and gets caught by the cops
probably fucking up a poodle or something because puppets don’t have souls
and then the cops turn around and arrest Gepetto for wooden child abuse
and Pinnochio is all alone in the house with all these knives and shit
and that’s when we are introduced to Pinnochio’s lovable Conscience,
Jiminy Cricket!

So pinnochio throws a hammer at him and he dies.
Then he burns his feet off in the fire to see what pain is like
then when gepetto gets out of jail he tells him he needs new feet
and also that he has decided to go to school
even though puppets can’t learn
then he pawns all his schoolbooks to see a puppet show
even though he could just look at himself in a fucking mirror for free
PINNOCHIO IS A FIRST CLASS CITIZEN IS WHAT I’M SAYING

then for some reason the puppeteer at the show gives pinnochio like 500 bucks
and this fox and this cat see him and they’re like YO
DID YOU KNOW THERE IS A CITY IN A FAR OFF LAND
CALLED IDIOT CITY
AND IF YOU BURY YOUR MONEY OUTSIDE OF IT THEN A MONEY TREE WILL GROW??
HERE, WE WILL SHOW IT TO YOU AND ON THE WAY WE WILL ROB YOU
and Pinnochio is a puppet, so he sees no problem with this

so they go traveling
and the fox and the cat try to rob him
which doesn’t work because he hides the money in his mouth
then they try to hang him
which doesn’t work because he is a puppet
and then the author realizes he’s gone like a million pages without any fairies
so this blue fairy shows up and scares off the filthy animals
and pinnochio is like “hey let’s be siblings”
because puppets have no concept of how families work
which is what makes them such efficient serial killers

so they decide to buy a house
but they need to make a down payment
so the blue fairy is like “do you have any money bro?”
and Pinnochio is like “what? no, i just got mugged”
and SPROING
it turns out that pinnochio has a secret disonesty fetish
that makes his dick-nose expand every time he fibs
man, doesn’t fib just sound like something really gross?
like man I went to take the trash out the other day
and there were these two naked hobos
just fibbin’ away at each other like a couple of scabby polecats
hm
maybe it’s only gross when it’s embedded in a really gross sentence.
ANYWAY
the blue fairy tells him to stop telling all those sexy lies
and he grudgingly obliges
and then the fair summons a flock of dick-dick birds
i mean woodpeckers
to whittle down Pinnochio’s raging lie-boner
and they buy the house and invite Gepetto to live with them

but then things are going to well, so the fox and the cat come back
and they’re like HEY PINNOCHIO DO YOU REMEMBER THAT MONEY TREE?
and he’s like YEAH
LEMME GO BURY ALL THE REST OF MY MONEY RIGHT QUICK
and then obviously those filthy animals steal it
and pinnochio goes to prison for being so stupid

but then he gets out of prison
he gives a snake a stroke and pranks the shit out of some dogs
and then goes back to his cottage
and EVERYONE IS GONE
the fairy is dead and Gepetto has been eaten by a shark
and pinnochio nearly drowns trying to follow him to his watery grave
and wakes up in a slave labor camp
where he has to work for the blue fairy
who is not only not dead apparently
and also his sister
but is now also his mother i guess?
cause that ain’t weird
and he’s so relieved that she’s not dead
that he agrees to go to school so he can become a real boy
except who the fuck is he kidding
who wants to be a real boy
when being a fake boy means you can’t be lynched
and you can burn off your feet in a fire and just buy new ones
and I assume this is why Pinnochio mainly uses his schoolbooks as projectile weapons
and then runs away to a vast carnival of sex, booze, and cigars
just like any real boy would

but then there’s some weird thing where the carnival turns him into a donkey
because fun is evil
and then he gets sold to a butcher
who tries to drown him
but then fish just eat all the donkey skin off him
and then he leaves
consequence-free, once again
all thanks to his wooden body and conspicuous lack of a soul
HONESTLY I DO NOT KNOW WHY THIS GUY WANTS TO BE A REAL BOY

so then Pinnochio is swimming in the ocean
and he manages to get himself eaten by a giant shark
which normally I wouldn’t consider an achievement
except that this happens to be the same shark who ate Gepetto
who is still living inside of it, on a giant boat which it also ate
(this, obviously, is why I was reminded of Jonah and the Whale)
and then the shark dies, obviously
of malnutrition
due to its apparent inability to digest anything it eats
coupled with an unfortunate tendency to eat things like boats
and pinnochio and Gepetto escape
and they end up working for a farmer
who has a donkey who actually used to be one of Pinnochio’s bros
back at the carnival, you know
and after long months of ceaseless labor
Pinnochio takes the 40 cents he has earned at this fucking sweatshop farm
and goes into town to buy himself maybe some food or something
but then he runs into a snail who says the blue fairy is sick and needs cash
and Pinnochio believes him
because snails are naturally trustworthy
because why would you spend like 36 hours crawling over to the corner
if you were going to fucking fib about it
so pinnochio wires her his 40 cents
and then the next morning he wakes up human
with a magic bag full of pimp clothes
and like a million dollars
because… it was time for the story to end?

so the moral of the story
is that being a soulless wooden puppet
may set you up for a life of rad adventures and zero consequences
but in the end
having a human heart
is super overrated

I had a dream where Hunter S. Thompson dove into the ocean
to punch a giant shark in the eye again and again
and it reminded me of this myth
enjoy:

so there’s this dude Jonah
it’s not particularly clear who he is or where he’s from
he’s just another living canvas
for God’s continuous mural of divine jack-assery
so basically Jonah is minding his own business one day
and god shows up like JONAH
JONAH
THERE’S THIS CITY I DON’T LIKE CALLED NINEVEH
GO TELL THEM THEY’RE GONNA DIE
and Jonah is like Aw hellll no
i know how this story goes
you tell me to go fuck over this town
and then my wife disobeys some arbitrary rule you set
and turns into some kind of tasty breakfast seasoning
no
fuck this
i’m going to tahiti

so Jonah hops the first ship to tahiti
probably hoping to get out of God’s jurisdiction or something
but God is not like vampires
he can cross running water
so no sooner is Jonah on the boat
then god starts stirring up a WHOPPER of a storm
and all the sailors are losing their shit
or more accurately, tossing it overboard
and meanwhile Jonah is just taking a nap belowdecks
so the captain runs down and is like DUDE, JONAH
WHAT THE FUCK DUDE WHY ARE YOU NAPPING
GET UP HERE AND TELL GOD TO CALM THE FUCK DOWN OR SOMETHING

So Jonah gets up on deck
and it turns out that what everyone is doing
is rolling dice to see whose fault this is
and Jonah rolls a natural one
so everyone is like “alright dude, you gotta fix this”
and Jonah is like Oh, well that’s easy
just throw me in the water and God will chill out
he can’t get over the fact that I wouldn’t yell at some dudes for him
and the sailors are all like Welp
okay!
and then they throw him into the water and the storm stops
the end

oh wait no there’s more stuff I lied
so Jonah is in the water
and God rents this MASSIVE FISH to go eat him
but it’s not very good at eating
so it just swallows him completely intact
along with enough air for him to survive for THREE DAYS
(click here for highly plausible evidence that this actually happened
SPOILERS: it’s because jesus said it happened)
and Jonah is sitting in there like Alright God
you got me, buddy
you’re pretty great
sending giant fish after dudes and causing storms and shit
I’ll totally go tell dudes they’re going to hell or whatever
really whatever you want as long as you let me out of this whale
and god is like ALRIGHT DUDE
PREPARE TO BE WHALE VOMIT
MY MERCY IS TRULY GREAT.

So Jonah figures he can’t escape this time
and instead goes straight to Nineveh
where he tells everyone they’re gonna die for their sins
and they should stop sinning all the time
and guess what?
EVERYONE LISTENS
IMMEDIATELY
they all stop eating and start wearing shitty clothes
including the king
who literally, when he hears the news
stands up
strips naked
puts on a burlap sack
and sits down in some dirt
and god is like NICE
ALL IS FORGIVEN

and Jonah is like …What?
You trapped me in the stomach of a sea animal
for THREE DAYS
to get me to yell at a city full of dudes who were just gonna convert anyway?
What the fuck, man?
And what’s even so great about not eating and wearing shitty clothes?
Why is that a thing you like?
And god is like OK I KNEW YOU WERE GONNA BE LIKE THIS
JUST SIT DOWN FOR A MINUTE AND CHILL OUT
LET ME GROW A NICE PLANT OVER YOUR HEAD TO SHELTER YOU FROM THE SUN
and Jonah’s like Well that’s sort of a nice thing to-
PSYCHE, says god, GONNA MAKE WORMS EAT THAT SHIT TO DEATH WHILE YOU SLEEP
WHO’S THE GOD, MOTHERFUCKER? WHO?
and Jonah’s like Holy shit, man, what is your problem?
and God is like U MAD BRO?
and Jonah’s like Just kill me now, seriously
and God’s like NOPE.

So the moral of the story
is if you are trying to escape god
go by train.

Feeling kinda sentimental today guys
so i’m just going to say
that I deeply appreciate y’all showing up here all the time
and assisting me in my project of mythological self-education
I started this thing as an excuse to learn a bunch of myths
like the way Neil Gaiman does, or other literary heroes
and then to shout said myths real loud into the internet
and you guys are largely responsible for the continued success of this project
so yeah, thanks

ANYWAY let’s talk about some really huge mistakes a guy made

What guy, you ask?
I will give you a hint:
HIS NAME IS IN THE TITLE OF THE POST
and to say he cocks it all up
really does not do justice to the sheer baby-in-a-blender incompetence
displayed by Freyr in this tale

so one day Freyr is out dicking around
the way you do when you’re a god
like really
what else are you gonna do?
none of these people seem to have jobs
basically it seems like the universe is run by a bunch of fucking trust fund babies
which really, now that I think about it, explains a lot

SO HE’S DICKING AROUND
and he sees a hot chick named Gerðr
I am not sure how he sees her
seeing as she lives all the way in Jotunheim
and I don’t know how she’s a hot chick
since her mom, Angrboda
is also responsible for birthing a giant wolf, a giant snake, and HELL
but somehow a bunch of improbable circumstances line up here
and he catches her in a really flattering light or something
and that light flatters Gerðr SO HARD
that it sends Freyr into a love coma

now, you know how it is when your friend is in a love coma
how it is
is that you cannot think of anything
except how much you wish your friend would stop being in a fucking love coma
so to that end, the gods get together
and they convince Freyr’s servant Skirnir
to go find out why his boss is being an emo bitch right now
and that’s what Skirnir does.

So Skirnir’s like Yo Freyr how’s it hangin
and Freyr is like DROOPY AS SHIT, MY FRIEND
I am trying to get all up on this chick Gerðr
but the problem is that I’m a huge pussy and I don’t know how to talk to girls
bro
will you be my wingman, bro?
and Skirnir’s like YES

Here’s the problem, though
Skirnir
is
A BASTARD
he’s like Oh man I’ll totally get you laid, dude
but first you have to hook me up with sweet loot
give me your magic sword, and I will deliver the tits

FOOTNOTE:
FREYR’S SWORD IS SOME SERIOUS MOJO
it is a sword that fights ALL BY ITSELF
seriously, you don’t even need to be there
you could go away
get a sandwich
come back, hey
more murders happened!
Honestly I don’t know why everyone doesn’t just get these
but if only one person is gonna have one
I guess it makes sense that it would be Freyr
because if you are too much of a pussnexus to talk to girls
chances are that you are also not too good at single combat
because nothing more closely resembles dating
than single combat
maybe that’s just me
maybe not everyone you’ve ever dated has brought landmines to the first date
if so then you can just disregard this aside
and go on with your PERFECT FUCKING LIFE.
BACK TO THE STORY AT HAND:

So Freyr agrees to these shitty terms
which is probably a good thing overall
because the sword only works if you’re wise
and any dude who would trade away a magic sword for boobs is definitely not that
and then Skimir goes away
and uses even more skeezy bargaining powers to convince Gerðr that this is a good idea
like, despite the fact that the dude who is apparently so into her
doesn’t even give enough fucks to show up himself
and then Gerðr and Freyr get married
and they live happily ever after
until ragnarok comes and Freyr dies because he doesn’t have a sword
man, I really wish there was an effective way to slowclap on the internet.

So the moral of the story
is that everyone is already knows
about bros before hos
but even more importantly in the long run
broadswords before broads.

Yeah
sorry
it came down to sleeping or writing a shitty myth
I chose sleeping
with the added caveat that when I wake up there will be great myths
instead of shitty ones
but right now I think I hear a sound that means my hands are falling off
from too much not-sleep or whatever
so I gotta go deal with that
before my imminent lack of hands renders me unable to deal with anything at all

Guys guys
I found a new norse myth
thanks to dedicated follower FellatioFlower69
I totally thought I was out of those!
So yeah, if you know any I haven’t done, totally tell me about those
cause as you are about to see, this one is pure quality
(also if you know any favorite Japanese or Hindu myths, I’m all ears)

ANYWAY

So when last we left our heroesthey had just blown up this giant named Thjazzi
who was also an eagle for some reason
but PLOT TWIST, my sexy friends
you see, it turns out Thjazzi had a FAMILY.
FAMILY? WHAAAAAAT??
Thjazzi can’t have a family!
He’s one of the enemies!
Enemies don’t have families!
That’s what makes killing them so righteous and easy!

But I guess Tjazzi didn’t get the memo about that
because he just went ahead and got bizzy with some giant lady
and had himself a girl named Skadi
also known as Öndurguð
which means SKI GOD

So Skadi is tearing the shit out of some truly righteous slopes
when she finds out her dad caught on fire and died
which makes her go WHAAAAAAT
and immediately haul ass off those prolapsed slopes
and down to Asgard where she wastes no time yelling at dudes
she’s like DUDES
THAT EAGLE YOU JUST SET ON FIRE WAS MY DAD
and the dudes are all like OH NO WHATEVER
but Skadi’s about to blow the whole place up with her ferocious skiing
so Odin just does what he normally does in these situations
he offers marriage as a consolation prize!

so Skadi’s like All right
I like where this is going
but as my dead eagle dad always used to say
good things come in threes
like juggling balls and threesomes
so condition 1 is I get to marry one of your dudes
condition 2 is that you have to memorialize my dad somehow
and condition THREE is that you have to make me laugh

SO FOR CONDITION ONE
all the dudes in Asgard line up to potentially bone this hot brutal ski lady
but the thing is
Skadi has a SERIOUS foot fetish
so she decides to choose a dude based SOLELY on the condition of his feet
(haha get it? sole like feet? Yeah man I went to college for this shit)
so she sees some absolutely toe-tacular shoestuffers
and assumes they must be the feet of Baldur
and so immediately agrees to marry him
but then it turns out to be this other god Njord
who no one cares about
and eventually they get divorced

so that’s 0 for 1 right there for Skadi
but the good news is she’s still got 2 more conditions to fill
so for the next one Odin’s like ALRIGHT
I am going to memorialize your father in the only way I know how
which is to tear out his eyeballs and throw them into the sky
and hopefully they become stars or something
and Skadi is like I don’t know how I feel about that
and Odin is like this is what you signed up for
when you entered the Norse pantheon
this is how we do funerals in brutal scandanavian ice-hell

alright, so zero for two now
things aren’t looking too good for Skadi
but there’s still hope
because if the gods can’t meet Skadi’s last request
she wins like infinite handjobs or something
I don’t know
that’s generally how these things work, right?
well whatever
the point is that Skadi is feeling pretty confident
because she is a SERIOUSLY SOMBER DAME
like for real
this chick would not laugh if you stapled her to a tank of nitrous oxide
stripped naked and surrounded on all sides by the whirling feathers of the hilarity pelican
although to be honest I don’t think anyone would be able to laugh in that situation
because of all the staples
WHATEVER
the point is that Skadi’s condition is not unique
these are NORSE gods after all
none of them even know what joy IS
none of them, that is, except for loki
Loki is the straight up macguyver of making people bust a gut
he just steps up like “alright guys
all I need is a piece of string, and a goat”
now for many people, just those words would be enough
but this is a tough crowd Loki is dealing with
and he is used to dealing with them
he knows that he is going to have to jape harder than he has ever japed before
he is going to have to tap into his deepest reserves of jocularity
he is going to have to hone his comedian’s wit to a razor’s edge

so he ties the goat to his balls.
that is – no fooling – what happens in this ancient myth about familial honor
Loki ties a goat to his balls and runs around screaming until Skadi cracks a smile
which means she has to go away and be happy about her ugly husband
and never again mention the fact that the Aesir set her dad on fire
and then threw his bleeding eyeballs into space

SO
FINAL SCORE:
Odin: 3
Skadi: 0
Loki: still has his balls tied to a goat
I hope that works out well for him.

Okay guys, it’s time we had a talk
come here guys
yes, yes, sit down
hoo, okay…
now, your mothers and I have noticed that you’re starting to get to that certain age
where your body will start to undergo humiliating changes
changes that have never happened to anyone else ever
and we have also noticed
that you have some disturbing ideas about where babies come from
garnered from books, no doubt
Feh!
Well don’t worry guys, I got this covered
this is how sex works:

so when a man and a woman
or a man and a man
or a woman and a cow
love each other very very much
they start out by giving each other a special kind of hug
this hug is called a suplex, but with penetration
it’s great, you should try it all the time
but then comes the weird part
because then the woman gets so excited about the baby she’s gonna get
that she eats a whole bunch of cake and balloons
and her stomach gets all large and tumescent
and it’s hard to poop out fully inflated balloons
so that shit stays in there for NINE MONTHS
and meanwhile, THE NEGOTIATIONS BEGIN

What negotiations, you ask?
Well, surely you didn’t think procreation was merely a matter of putting a penis in a vagina?
why, if it was that simple, EVERYONE would be having babies, all the time!
No no no, only shrewd diplomats like me and your mothers get to have babies
and this is because of the storks.

Ever wonder why birds aren’t extinct yet?
I sure used to.
They’re basically tiny feathered problem machines
that exist solely to shit in your hair and attack schoolchildren in horror movies
we have guns, let’s get on this, right?
WRONG.
Because what you don’t realize
is that storks have taken EVERY BABY IN THE WORLD HOSTAGE
and made themselves the sole proprietors of human reproduction
in exchange for the continued survival of phylum Birdseria.
So how this works is that anyone who wants to have a baby
must go to a pond in the middle of the night
with a nondescript suitcase full of at least two hundred thousand dollars in nonsequential herring
and then a representative from the Baby Dispensary Committee comes with a contract
and you have to sign it in blood
and then they go back to their secret baby vault
and they pick out a baby based on how much money you give them
and how hot they think you are
which is why sexy people have sexy babies
and rich people have gold-plated racecar babies
but then they have to wait nine months to deliver the baby to your house
because before that your wife is still full of balloons and shit
and that would freak the baby out.

So the moral of the story
is that condoms are a conspiracy perpetrated by birds
to prevent us from discovering their underground Fort Knox for babies.