Thursday, January 26, 2006

I cannot be in the same dwelling as my partner. Oops, ex-partner? I can't call her my ex, because that's reserved for my ex-husband. So we'll call her um...Hex. Because she's a Her and and Ex, and that can be Hex. Okay, matter settled.Anyhow, I cannot be in the same dwelling as Hex. So we take turns being here in the house. For instance, on my days off, I am here with my children doing Mom Stuff. Hex and her child go elsewhere. The days that I go to work, Hex will be here with the children doing Mom Stuff and I go somewhere else. The children are adjusting as well as can be expected, except for my little one, who misses her other sister, Hex's daughter, sooooo much. They are only ten months apart, and they grew up together from babies. They are best friends. And she cries because she misses her and my heart breaks. But there's nothing I can do.At night, things get really bad. I try to surround myself with people in the evenings. And when I don't try, they come over anyway, which is okay. But after they leave, I am alone. I try to think of tasks to do for in the morning, like setting out the children's clothes. And then I'll find laundry to do. Or I'll make sure there's milk for breakfast, and I'll get sidetracked by cleaning out the fridge. Then I realize that I'm just trying to keep myself busy so that I don't have to go to bed by myself.Or think about being alone.So I go upstairs, because I'll have to fall asleep eventually. I put on a movie, a dumb happy one that won't make me think, that won't make me sad. It's really there for background noise, to fall asleep to. And I try to think about how my new place is going to look, and what color towels I want to buy.Because I had better get used to sleeping alone.

I realize that I have more friends than I thought.I realize that I was dependent on my partner for friendship, more than I should have been. We have known each other for over ten years, so it was very easy to do.I have always resisted meeting people. Inside, I'm really just a shy girl. But I have been forcing myself to get out and do stuff by myself. And it's working! I am meeting people. I am making new friends. (Side note: people who are really funny while drunk are sometimes not funny while sober.)My old friends (maybe I should call them current friends? hmm...) have been wonderful. I have a bigger support system than I thought. Much. Friends are coming out of the woodwork (had I woodwork) to help me out. So I would like to thank those friends here, for the wonderful friendship and support that they provide. But I'm not going to name them here on my blog, because they might think that's creepy.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

My life is changing right now, but I can say that these are changes for the better.My partner and I are splitting up. I am moving into my own place with my two children. How exciting to be moving to a new place! I looked at an apartment today, and then I immediately filled out an app for it. Nice place, decent price, no psychos (as of yet), what more could a single mom ask for? Well, I could ask for plenty more, but let's not get into that right now...

Sunday, January 22, 2006

How can two people who love each other, who are in love, decide not to be together? With no specific reason for not being together.Why would something like that happen?Is the love that's there just not enough anymore? Has it changed?How does it work when they are not together any longer, and somebody asks why they're no longer together? What would one answer? If it were someone I didn't know very well, I would say something like, "Fuck off." No, not really. Well, maybe.But what if it were a friend who hadn't seen them in a while? You couldn't just say, "Too complicated. Just leave it at that."Because if I asked someone that question and they told me that, well, it just wouldn't be good enough.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

I wish...I wish...I wish I believed in a Higher Power.I wish that I was okay with double standards.I wish that I were a stronger person. Stubborn does not equal strong.I wish my ex-husband would pay child support. My life would be easier.I wish that I could be a doormat. But not really. If I give up my standards, then who am I, really? Just a girl without standards. No morals.And those make me who I am.I refuse to give in on things that I believe in. What kind of person would ask me to do something like that, anyway?One who has lost the meaning of me.And that, perhaps, is the saddest thing of all.

Here is a poem I tried to write at work today. Maybe not really a poem, more of a...really bad impression of a poem.

Standing at my register in the depot of Homewishing I didn't feel quite so alone.Nobody's shopping, everyone's at home.I didn't realize until just now, eleven hours after I wrote it, that I used the word 'home' twice. Of three lines, two end with the same word.And that just sucks. So much, in fact, that I haved changed the original title of this post three times, from "An Original", to the "Suck Poem", (but that sounded dirty, so it had to go) to "An Original SuckPoem" because maybe it wouldn't seem dirty without the space in the middle of the word, and I realize that this is stupid and I should just forget the fucking title if it's going to be that much of a problem!

My whole point is that it was so cold at work today, my brain froze.Did any of that make sense?

Saturday, January 14, 2006

I think I've mentioned the freezing area in which I work in. The cash register by the giant roll-up door, where my fingers can barely bend to count change- they are that cold, the area where I feel like I am dressing for a snow trip when I get up in the mornings..Now, maybe I have gotten used to the cold. I still fucking hate it, and I will complain to you all day if you'll let me, but I expect it now. I try to be prepared.But most of the customers aren't there at five in the morning when I can see my breath in the air inside the building!!! They are still surprised by it. They look at me sympathetically, with pity in their eyes. I think they would pat my head if they could."You must have the cold spot!," they say. Really? Huh.Or, "What did you do to get stuck here? Heh heh." Yeah, you're freakin' hilarious.Then there's the very insightful, "Gosh, don't you get cold?" No, I enjoy wearing five undershirts to work every day.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

I love you.I love your blue blue eyes, and I'm sorry that I put so much sadness in them. I'm sorry that you cry.Sometimes I say and do very stupid things. Everyone does, and even though it's hard for me to admit it, I'm as human as the next person.I will stop depending on you so much. I will do more things for myself. I will pamper you a little, too. I will stop assuming that you are okay with me taking charge of everything.I cleaned the litter boxes today for the first time in months. I cleaned the upstairs hallway, and the kitchen, and swept and scrubbed the floor.I did my own laundry. I made you tea, not the generic kind. I paid our daughter to fold the clean laundry, because I really really hate to fold laundry.I took out the garbage three times. I vacumed. I cried. I will make dinner and clean on my days off. It was just so easy to let you do everything, and easier not to notice when we started growing apart.I love how you look at me, and how my panties get damp when you stand next to me. Still. Every time.I love how you take the children to the library and then forget to take the books back on time. I love your obsession with checking the mail in the afternoon. I love how you smell after your shower, and I love how you look when you're asleep.I love how warm you are all the time, and how you let me put my cold hands against your skin, even though you don't like it.I'll stop doing that too.I love how you laugh when you watch Malcolm in the Middle, and I love how you get so worked up when you watch Cops.I love that you take a shower every day before I get home from work so you'll smell nice. I hate how you critique the clothes I try on, but I love you for your honesty.I love how you hate cell phones, and I love how you sing random lines from Ani songs at any given moment.I love how you love me, and how you care about me and my children.I don't want to do this without you. Not because I couldn't, because I could. But it would be so hard. Not the cleaning or cooking or everyday things...but the being without you part. I would miss telling you about my day and the shitty customers. I would miss hearing about your day and the wacky things the kids did. I would miss your smile and your laughter. I would miss how you scream when I tickle you. I would miss the touch of your skin and the way you tell me that you love me. I would miss my best friend.I would miss us.

About Me

Once Upon A Time, I was a Welfare Mommy. I put myself through college and became a Welfare Worker, all while keeping my sardonic sense of humor in check. Then I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, quit my job, and now stay at home and raise three kids, ages 17, 13, and 6.
I can cook but can't "throw something together", I want to clean but procrastinate, but most of all I want to find myself.