A Yorkshireman jumps off a large building clutching a budgie, and plummets to earth at 100mph and breaks every bone in his body. When the ambulance is taking him to hospital, he says to the nurse - "I don't think much of this budgie-jumping lark"

My bank manager once said to me " You live like a king on paupers wages - how come" ? When my debts reached £70k, I knew the answer.