Lit Wank

Leslie Grantham – actor, murderer and webcam sexface nightmare – is the latest celebrity star to turn his hand to fiction writing. He has written a multi-book series about a young boy who finds himself involved in the world of wizardry. If that sounds too familiar, don’t worry. He’s given it a rather personal touch…

In 2016, the popular English pantomime star and erstwhile murderer, Leslie Grantham, published a book of original fiction: Jack Bates And The Wizard’s Spell.

A real literary provocateur, Grantham takes great glee in ripping up the first rule of good fiction writing (“Show, don’t tell”) by having all of his characters explain every last detail like they’re starring in an air safety video.

Practically every other sentence in this book is a question to tee up an interminable bit of exposition. Yet, for all the many, many questions that do get asked, the only really essential one – the question that led us to buy the fucking book in the first place – goes completely unanswered.

That question being: WHY WOULD LESLIE GRANTHAM – A MAN WHO IS WELL-KNOWN FOR HAVING WANKED PRETTY OSTENTATIOUSLY ON A WEBCAM – CHOOSE TO CALL HIS MAIN CHARACTER JACK BATES?

Jack. Bates.

Jack. Bates.

Short of calling him Tommy Tugger, or Andy Shandy, there isn’t a name more wanky-sounding he could have given him.

Had Grantham’s editor been paying attention, they’d have maybe had a gentle word in his ear. Maybe told him that ‘jack’ is a common slang term for wanking (short for ‘ejaculate’), or that ‘Bates’ could be read as a contraction of ‘masturbates’, but no. They were asleep at the wheel.

So instead, we’re left to find our own answers.

We wondered if this might be a result of the same creative impulse we saw when John Travolta wrote his first kid’s book. As we noted at the time, there was something very strange about Travolta’s choices.

For example, it made sense that Travolta would write about a kid who enjoyed traveling on aeroplanes, because of Travolta’s own passion for flying. However, his main character also seemed to have a big thing for hotdogs. A big thing. Specifically, eating hotdogs two at a time, at 4am, in an empty airport, under the watchful eye of his mother.

Was Travolta’s sausagey subtext supposed to tell us something particular? Or was it just an unfortunate Freudian slip that his protagonist almost faints with joy every time he is presented with a big meaty cylinder?

Similarly with Grantham, it’s possible that Jack Bates’ name was consciously picked to sit alongside the many other heroes with the initials ‘JB’ (James Bond, Jason Bourne, Jack Bauer). Or is the name Jack Bates a subconscious scream from Leslie Grantham’s soul? His inner thoughts accidentally leaking out onto the page, letting everyone know that all he ever thinks about is wanking – all day, every day?

It would help our case if there were any other suspiciously-named characters – so let’s see who else Grantham has in his cast…

Fingers?

Slippy?

And that’s putting aside the fact that they got Prince Edward into the sack, before having a fourth character called ‘Bashar’ enter the scene to handle their sacks – all in one tiny passage.

But, fine. OK. Leslie Grantham enjoys a bit of wanking now and again. So what? Big deal. If he keeps it to himself, and isn’t creepily propositioning women and making them feel awkward…

…never mind.

The trouble is, once you’ve viewed it through that prism, it becomes impossible to shake off all the many unfortunate readings of potentially safe sentences.

Like when he’s talking about running a sneaky pipe into the back of the Booty bar…

…or focusing punishments on characters’ arses…

…or his insistence on using the word ‘snatch’ instead of ‘kidnap’…

…and especially when he’s constantly overusing the word ‘come’…

…’comely’ and ‘come face’…

or ‘come’, ‘jack’ and ‘shuffled off’ – all while searching for a man on Hampstead Heath…

…a place where a lot of the action is set…

We’re told, from the book’s press release, that Leslie Grantham got his inspiration “to write [the] story after listening to some school kids on a bus discussing their homework”

Maybe he should stick to taking taxis from now on? On balance, we think it might be safer…