Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The NYPD wants pill bottles fitted with GPS chips to track stolen shipments. What does it matter since even the thieves can’t figure out how to actually get the lids off the bottles anyway.

The NYPD wants pill bottles fitted with GPS chips to track stolen shipments. Of course, the thieves could pretty much beat the plan by just taking the pills out of the bottles.

Facebook is joining the dating game with its new feature “graph search”. Which means that women on Facebook will finally be able to meet the stalker of their dreams.

Facebook is joining the dating game with its new feature “graph search”. Apparently it’s Facebook’s way of bringing over anyone who is still trying to meet people on Myspace.

Fitch Ratings is considering downgrading the U.S. credit rating because of the debt ceiling fight. The only question is, how does a country looking to go even more than $16 Trillion in debt have any credit in the first place?

A report says that long term unemployment in the U.S. is at its highest since World War II. If you haven’t been able to find work since 1945, the odds are looking pretty slim that things are going to change anytime soon.

A report says that long term unemployment in the U.S. is at its highest since World War II. The sad part is that the economy is better in all of the countries that we beat in that war.

A Manhattan youth soccer club has banned high fives because of the flu outbreak. Which is why the Lakers have been so healthy this season. They rarely have any reason to high five each other.

A Manhattan youth soccer club has banned high fives because of the flu outbreak. So many people are getting the flu, soccer fans are even being told to avoid sharing vuvuzelas.

18 human heads were found at Chicago’s O’hare International Airport that were being taken to be cremated. Apparently they missed their flight with the rest of their bodies because the plane just didn’t have enough headroom.

18 human heads were found at Chicago’s O’hare International Airport that were being taken to be cremated. Or as Ted Williams would call 18 heads, two baseball teams.

A teacher in Ohio is suing the school district for discrimination because she is afraid of young children. Isn’t that like an airline pilot suing because of a fear of heights?

A teacher in Ohio is suing the school district for discrimination because she is afraid of young children. That’s what working part time as a department store Santa Claus will do to you.

A poll of investors says that families and individuals should be responsible for teaching Americans to save money for the future. Well, it’s obvious that no one should be looking at the government to teach us how to do that.

Wal-Mart says it will boost U.S. made products in its stores. They say they will do that just as soon as they can find a product that is still actually made in the U.S.

Wal-Mart is offering to hire any U.S. veteran who wants a job. The store says any former POWs will be given preferential treatment since they are already acclimated to working in a Wal-Mart.

A study explains why fewer women are working in the U.S. than in Europe. Maybe it has something to do with having a lot fewer jobs in the U.S. than in Europe.

A research paper from Harvard says the U.S. high school graduation rate has been rising but no one knows why. It could have something to do with high schools just giving diplomas to anyone who has been there more than six years.

A research paper from Harvard says the U.S. high school graduation rate has been rising but no one knows why. It’s not like kids who want to drop out have anything better to do with their time, like actually be able to find a job anywhere.

GM says it expects higher profits in 2013. Apparently with President Obama winning a second term, they are thinking it should be just about time to hit him up with another bailout.

San Jose State University is planning to offer low cost, online courses for college credit. The only problem is that when you finally have enough credits, the diploma you get comes from San Jose State.

In Ireland, officials have found horsemeat in hamburgers found in supermarkets. DNA was used to trace where the meat came from. Apparently it was linked to slow finishers in the Irish Derby.

In Ireland, officials have found horsemeat in hamburgers found in supermarkets. Apparently meat producers figured no one there would be sober enough by dinnertime to be able to tell the difference.

Facebook lost a reported 1.4 Million users in the U.S. in December. Mostly people who lost all their money buying Facebook stock and didn’t have enough to pay for their Internet connection.

Facebook lost a reported 1.4 Million users in the U.S. in December. Apparently it’s people who have no need to play Farmville since they can’t afford to buy food so are growing their own gardens.

A game developed by researchers shows why people don’t use condoms or get vaccinations. The game is loosely modeled after the spread of gonorrhea. That’s a game that won’t picked up by Milton Bradley anytime soon.

A game developed by researchers shows why people don’t use condoms or get vaccinations. The game is loosely modeled after the spread of gonorrhea. That’s one game where you’ll want to wear latex gloves when you handle the dice.

Researchers have found a new type of brain cell that could cause high blood pressure. It’s the brain cells that information goes to when you open the bill from your cardiologist.

New York City will give the new ban on large sodas a three month grace period. Which should be just about enough time for people to actually finish the bucket sized soft drink they are working on now.

A review of studies confirms a link between eating sugar and gaining weight. Apparently the studies were done by looking at the people coming out of Baskin Robbins.

Caffeine has been linked to leaking bladders in men. Which means it might be a good idea to really look closely at that seat you are going to take next time at Starbucks.

Lindsay Lohan is set to go to trial over a probation violation concerning her latest car accident in Malibu. Isn’t there an easier way for the prosecutors and judge to get her autograph?

Lindsay Lohan is set to go to trial over a probation violation concerning her latest car accident in Malibu. If convicted, she could spend another 37 minutes in jail.

Hugh Hefner and his bride Crystal Harris have reportedly signed an “ironclad” prenuptial agreement. The only thing more ironclad is the lung he sleeps in at night.

Hugh Hefner and his bride Crystal Harris have reportedly signed an “ironclad” prenuptial agreement. Apparently the “ironclad” refers to the shoes she has to wear around the house so he has a chance of actually catching her once in awhile.

Charlie Sheen is set to become a grandfather at age 47. People were surprised at the news. Who would have thought Sheen would live to see 47?

Town & Country has picked Prince Harry as the World’s Most Eligible Bachelor, calling him “the least buttoned up Royal.” Or to anyone who has seen his Las Vegas pictures, he can be the completely unbuttoned Royal.

Cleveland Browns Stadium will be renamed FirstEnergy Stadium. Apparently the company paid up to seven dollars for the naming rights.

Cleveland Browns Stadium will be renamed FirstEnergy Stadium. Apparently the final bidding came down to FirstEnergy, Bob’s Dry Cleaning and Betsy’s lemonade stand.

Denver Mayor Michael Hancock was injured warming up to imitate Ray Lewis’ pregame dance to pay off a bet to Baltimore’s Mayor after last week’s playoff loss. Which makes him qualified to try out to be the team’s kicker.

Denver Mayor Michael Hancock was injured warming up to imitate Ray Lewis’ pregame dance to pay off a bet to Baltimore’s Mayor after last week’s playoff loss. Apparently he confused it with Lewis’ post game ritual of stabbing a couple of fans.

Iran says it will make another attempt to launch a monkey into space. They won’t be able to launch a human until they can figure out how to get 72 virgins into the capsule with him.

The FAA is seeking to ban pilots from using personal electronic devices while in the air. Apparently pilots don’t like to use cellphones and computers while flying because they are afraid of the damage they might cause if they spill their cocktails on them.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Congress still can’t agree on a plan to deal with the debt ceiling. Mostly because Congress can’t agree that snow is cold. However, we can all agree that it’s a good thing when you remember to send the love!