Friday, October 11, 2013

You’re only
a few weeks old and barely making your existence known but I want you to
know right now, and every day in the future, that you were loved and wanted long
before you were here.

A few years
ago (October 2011 to be exact), your dad and I were visiting your grandparents
in Iowa.We were living in Florida at
the time, and training for a marathon was consuming much of our time.We decided to get up early before a full day with family for a 10 mile run.It was a perfect fall day in Iowa, and we ran on the trails in Cedar
Falls.Your dad and I were in great
moods following the run, and it was then that your dad admitted that he was
ready for you.

The
following summer was when I first had a strange feeling that it may be harder
for us than it is for some couples to conceive.I went to a doctor for the first time and began a long process of figuring
out exactly why it was seemingly more difficult.The experience was scary, and involved many
uncomfortable tests - even an MRI to rule out any “mass” in my abdomen.I remember crying at the mere thought of
never meeting you, and your dad’s eyes appeared so sad when thinking those same
thoughts.These tests concluded with no concrete answers.So, we grabbed my file and moved back to Iowa no further along in
our process.

I wasted no
time in getting recommendations to the best doctor in Cedar Rapids as we continued
our journey toward parenthood.We met
with Dr. Zhang in the fall of 2012 shortly after moving back.She reviewed our file and offered us the
option to endure even more tests.I’ll
never forget the moment when I was handed a brown paper bag to give your dad
for his “test” and losing my composure.This wasn’t the person I thought I was – the infertile one - and this
wasn’t the journey I expected.

But, we
continued on.We underwent more
uncomfortable tests including one on a dreary day in November.On this day we underwent a Saline-Infused
Sonography.I have to admit that this
was more than uncomfortable.It was
downright painful as my uterus contracted to expand and then contracted to go
back to its original size.And, to make
matters worse, your grandpa Mort was in the hospital in Waterloo.So, your dad drove down for my appointment,
and upon its conclusion, we drove back to Waterloo to spend the weekend with family.It was a tough weekend.I was in pain and uncomfortable, but we
remained relatively quiet about what was going on. We were still leery of sharing our
experiences.

With no
clear answers, our patience was wearing thin.Tired and frustrated, I decided to take a more holistic approach and
began seeing an acupuncturist.I’ve written about this experience separately. In short, it was a nightmare.I hate needles and spent a decent amount of time
(and money) on what amounted to nothing.

After a few
months of needles and acupuncture, we made the decision to set-up a relaxed
visit with our doctor.Our only
objective with this appointment was to ask questions – as many questions as we
could.I have to say this was the
most refreshing appointment we had.Dr.
Zhang was in no hurry to get our inquisitive minds out of her office and after
exhausting our list of questions – me as the question-asker and your dad as the
note-taker – we decided to proceed with Laparoscopy surgery for Endometriosis.

Lil’ Peanut,
I hope that one day you find a partner with whom you truly love and who loves
you back, unconditionally.In my life,
my marriage has been one of my most fulfilling endeavors.And, I have to admit that this process made
my love for your father grow as I realized how devoted he was to me and our
family – whatever it would end up being.Never was that more true than the day I underwent surgery and the days
following.

We were two
balls of nervous energy as we drove to the hospital that morning.Our hope was that Dr. Zhang would find a
small amount of Endometriosis.This
would increase our fertility temporarily.However, if she found a large amount, we may have further complications
due to scar tissue.So, we hoped to find
“just a little bit.”And, as I awoke
from anesthesia that’s what I thought had occurred.It wasn’t until your dad was allowed into the
recovery room that I learned what the doctor had shared with him.And, before he explained a thing, I learned
it through his eyes!

What we
learned is that I have what they call a unicornuate uterus.Essentially, this means that while I was
developing in my mother’s belly only one half of my uterus formed.And, that half is not connected to one of my ovaries.At the time we really didn’t know what this
meant for our desire to have a family.I
was scared, and while your dad was so supportive, I could see the fear in his
eyes too.We left the hospital with an
awkward drawing of what my insides look like, and a lot of questions.The biggest one being – would we be able to
have a family?

After a
follow-up appointment, we better understood the risks involved with our
fertility future, and my future in carrying a child.While it wouldn’t be impossible for us to
conceive, it would be more difficult.And, our fertility options were limited due to the risks of caring
multiples.So, we left and decided to
take another break.We would give it six
months.Six months to let it all sink in
and to decide if we wanted to proceed with what we saw as our best option –
IVF.

So, six
months came and six months passed with still no positive results.We finally decided to head to the University
of Iowa to learn more about the IVF process and whether we felt it was right
for us.We were so
impressed with everyone at the University of Iowa’s Advanced Reproductive
Clinic.They were all so knowledgeable,
and prepared to see us.Never once did
we have to bring anyone up-to-date on our situation.Each nurse, doctor and financial counselor
came to our room prepared to talk with us about our options in-depth.

After about
five hours of appointments, we decided that we’d start an IVF cycle as soon as
we could. This meant that as soon as I got my next period we would both start
antibiotics, and I would start one month of birth control pills to regulate my
cycle for the hormones.We were nervous,
but hopeful for the first time in almost two years!

What we
didn’t know then was that you had other plans.On the exact day we thought we’d be starting our initial round of
medication for IVF, I took a positive pregnancy test.It seems obvious to us already that you are
strong-willed with determination, and we can’t wait to welcome more of that
into our home.We love you already and look forward to meeting you.