1.23.2013

A place to organize my thoughts in writing. Things seem to make more sense when they are written/typed out, as opposed to spoken.

I have been struggling lately. I have been working at a job that I hate, a job that does not value me. A job that I have stayed at for money.

I don’t exactly know what I want to do, and maybe
that’s the point. Maybe if I had my mind set in stone I wouldn’t see a
good opportunity when it presented itself. However, I do know the kind
of life I want to lead, and for the first time ever, the career isn't one of the primary points in it. When
people ask what you want to do when you grow up, what do you want to
be.... they are asking for a career choice. I want to start replying,
"Happy. I want to be happy when I grow up." I'm realizing that the
career is secondary. It is important to support the kind of life I want
to lead, not vice versa. People want you to think that if you aren’t
working
at an office job or if you don’t have a super fancy career you aren’t
successful. But I’ve been working behind a desk, wearing khaki pants,
for long enough to know that this version of
“success” isn’t worth it. It is not making me happy. It is making me
grumpy. It makes me grumpy to my friends. It makes me want to savor
every little bit of free time, by sitting at home, curled up on my
couch. It makes me grumpy to my husband. I don’t want
that to continue.

I’m not saying I don’t want to work. I’m not saying
I want to be lazy. I am saying that if I want to be a coffee barista and
make minimum wage… that is ok. If I want to work in my friend’s tea
business… then that is more than ok. In fact, it's great. And if anyone tells me it's not ok, then they can go fuck themselves. (Sorry if my harsh language bothers you, my feelings and emotions right now are harsh.)

There are a lot of things that I don't know. And that's ok. Here is what I do know:

I want to be silly, and kind, and passionate.I want to be fearless, and daring.I want to wear hats. All of the time.I want tattoos all over my arms.I want to love what I do.I want to slow down.I want to be more creative.I want to feel like what I do is helping others.I want to be surrounded by positive energy.I don’t want to feel like my life is flying past me because work takes up so much of my energy.I want to be able to have time to think.I don’t want to change jobs all the time, in fact, if I could have one job forever I would be happy.I would love to start writing again.I want to live a simple life, and I do not believe that is backward thinking. I believe that is forward thinking.I am trying to erase my idea of what my life should look like.I am trying to recreate my idea of what I want my life to look like.

For now, financially, practically, and in order for me not to go insane, I need to do
something. I think that means going back to school, but maybe not.

I know that most of this could probably have been easily summarized, and I still could have gotten my point across. But I don't think you'll mind reading it anyways.

Most of this was really for me anyways. It has helped me see things just a bit clearer.

Much love,

Your friend who really needed to say all that,And who thanks you for listening/reading,