Spoof news stories from Sunday 12 October 2008

London - (Frigid Ass Mess): The Pretender to the Al Qaeda Throne screwed royal biographer Jonathan Dumblebee in a Balmoral Castle hot tub according to a new Ch4 exposay (sic[k]) to be screened next month.
Poo-pooing previous guttersnipe gossip tha...

London - (Ass Mess): London's Non-Aligned Coven of Hotass Witches has issued a red alert for an unprecedented disaster this Wednesday 15 October, the 21st anniversary of the Great Storm.
The day coincides with the communication planet Mercury endi...

After 3 years of marriage Jessica and Nick decided to go different ways. "Nothing could save their marriage they were both unhappy with being with each other" says one of Jessica's pals
Jessica went into rehab are 5 weeks of being without him beca...

Gordon Brown leads the world by nationalising the UK banking system reports ratters.
Son of a minister Gordon Brown is seen as the "Messiah" as the world economic nears meltdown.
"I had no option," Gordon stated. "Money is the root of all evil...

In separate statements released to the press yesterday, lead actresses from two well known television dramas are doing their part to assist victims of the recent Wall Street crash.
Leveraging their previous relationships with fashion designers a...

Capitalizing on the recent fashion trend preferred by young business oriented, metro-sexual males, a leading leather company has released its newest leather accessory for men called the "Murse".
The clutch will feature all the pockets and organ...

Carinthia - (DUI? Mess): Renowned post mortem specialist Ray Santilli has rushed to Vienna to conduct an autopsy on former Austrian far-right wingnut and Tony Blair lookalike Joerg Haidar who died in a car accident this weekend.
Colleagues of Haid...

Washington, D.C. - Going against the advice of all his campaign managers, Barack Obama announced today that he is legally changing his middle name in order to pick up more votes.
Obama based his decision on polls that showed that his middle name...

In a surprising turn of events, the Democrat-controlled US Congress accepted a petition from the Alaskan Independence Party to allow the state to secede. Upon learning this, Sarah Palin immediately dropped out of the US Vice-Presidential race to tak...

Kennebunkport, Me/ Shipping News - In a moving and highly emotional impromptu news conference, former President George Herbert Walker Bush, apologized for his son, current President George W.
"It should have been Jeb, it should have been Jeb," t...

A intrauterine device claimed to be used by Sarah Palin has been offered for sale on ebay.
The device as pictured right is more commonly known as a 'coil' and is said to have been found under Palin's podium after her recent debate with Joe Biden.

Topeka Kansas - In what appears to be a desperate bid to regain the lead with voters John McCain has announced that he too was raised as a black boy in Kansas.
McCain says that his mother lived in the second floor of hotels near the train station...

New Yawk, NY-- Sesame Street is gone. The show is the latest victim of The Panic. Every single house on Sesame Street went into foreclosure, everyone has been evicted.
Big Bird was sold to Perdue and Miss Piggy was sold to Tyson Foods. It emerge...

Somewhere in SC on a Chicken Processing Plant/Agricultural News - Financially devastated by the recent Global Meltdown, an impoverished Spoof contributer, EZ Writer, in a Faustian inspired move, joined the ACORN Get Out the Vote Team to put food mo...

Sir Alan Sugar, known to sycophants and business associates alike as 'Sweetie,' has told accident investigators he made a wrong call when he landed his plane tits-up alongside a Greater Manchester airstrip.
The famously-cantankerous Apprentice st...

For many years, scientists have been trying to establish exactly when it was that "records began".
From flood data to financial disasters, and hot weather to sporting achievements, the public are constantly reminded by newsreaders, reporters and j...

The National organization known as "They" (who you are referring to when you say, "They say...") announced today the establishment of a special sub-committee of They dedicated to the creation and deployment of slang.
Newly appointed President of t...

Halloween will be different for many this year and could have devastating effects for lots of folk all over the world and this is one of the consequences of the credit crunch.
Traditionally this is the one night in the year when ghosts, ghoulies...

Chicago, Il/ Fraudulent Times - Democrat Pols are actually salivating over the prospect of capturing the prestigious 2016 Olympics in order to refill their election coffers with more skimmed money."This event will throw off more money than hurrican...

Gordon Brown has announced another bold new strategy to handle the crisis caused by Iceland's banking crisis.
"I am announcing today that Iceland will be melted down and bottled to be sold as overpriced mineral water in London's top restaurants."...

United States Vice President Dick Cheney threatened to resign in a cabinet meeting today from his office (there are only three months left of his term). Cheney stomped out of the meeting and left the White House in a huff.
When asked to explain t...

Dear Mr. Rudeness:
My boyfriend of several weeks just broke up with me. He says that it's because I am too fat, but I know that cannot possibly be true; I am the thinnest girl in my class. I think that it is because of his fear of committment that he broke up with me.
Normally girls hate it when guys say, "It's not you, it's me." However in this case, that's exactly what he should have said...

Trust: a word that had shared the title of banks throughout world history and certainly in the names of US banks for almost 300 years. Since this American disastrous economic collapse, banks across America have deleted the word trust from their title...

Warren 'Potsie' Webber, the simple-witted crooner from the 1970's, hit sitcom "Happy Days is the U.S' most prolific serial killer.
The Daily Scum can reveal that 'greasy' Potsie is the 'Phone-Book' Killer, who chose his victims from the phone-book...

HOLLYWOOD (FMLiveWire) -- Miley Cyrus, the star of the Disney television series Hannah Montana, has admitted that posing nude for a Vanity Fair photoshoot was "one honestly dumb decision."
The 15-year-old actress and singer found herself embroile...

Oprah Winfrey recently traveled up to Wasilla, Alaska and conducted a one-on-one interview with Governor Sarah Louise Palin. Here is that interview:
OPRAH: First of all Governor Palin, I want to thank you for not only inviting me into your beautiful home but for also allowing me to spend the night.
SARAH: No problem, ya know Oprah, living way up here, high above the lower 48, it's not often...

Cheryl Cole, the X Factor judge, has said she is considering leaving the show as a protest against the booing and barracking her husband, footballer Ashley Cole, received at the hands of 'so called' England fans.
Mr Cole was jeered endlessly by 's...

Aleksander Putin the Impaler had a birthday recently and one of his surprise gifts was a rare Ussuri tiger. Putin surrounded by his many close allies and even closer enemies were deeply sloshed ina flood of vodka and caviar when the tsarommisar decid...

SAN DIEGO, California - Former Major League Baseball player Jose Canseco was detained by US Department of Immigration authorities at San Diego's San Ysidro border crossing on suspicion of having an illegal substance which actually turned out to be ro...

Omaha, Nebraska was the site of the first known Shark pathenogenesis or virgin birth. There a hammerhead female who had never been in a tank with a male in her life (or so she said...) Now another miracle birth has occurred in Virginia. An Atlantic B...

Sacramento, California - Hoping to generate cash for the state budget shortfall by generating celebrity autograph collector's interest because all the liquidity the state usually barrows from Wall Street to get by until the tax revenues come in June...

The Louisville, Kentucky Creation Museum has had lines longer than Orlando's Disney World since it opened in May 2007.
Some of the most popular exhibits include a voyage simulator of Noah's Ark where visitors get to reenact the salvation of the w...

Überdog awoke. It was quiet up in his Basket of Solitude up at the North Pole, the axis of Earth's rotation-Überdog had recently lubricated the Pole and now Earth rotated silently again. He had to sleep wearing eye covers, however, because he hadn't figured out yet how to put out those annoying Northern Lights caused by the continual partying in Alaska ever since The Arctic Cat got hitched to Üb...

Who would ever believe that an innocent wink, or so it seemed, followed by a flirtatous nod which got be blown by the Ice Princess herself in a steamy oral sex celebration that nearly melted her igloo, would end up with me holding a supoena in my half frozen hand.
But that's what has happened as Anchorage Superior Court Judge Craig Stowers ordered that all of Palin's private emails must be p...

John McCain seems to have more than his share of hoof in mouth disease lately.
He addressed his campaign rally supporters as "My fellow prisoners". (Though that may have been just commentary on this American life in the final days of worst US pre...

Governor Palin and her husband Todd the Enforcer were found guilty of breach of ethics in their use of the Governor's office to settle a family feud. Palin and Hubbie Todd harassed law enforcement officials to fire Sarah's sister's former husband dur...

Reykjavík - Iceland is basking in the world spotlight today as it has been pinpointed as the source of the global economic meltdown.
Farmwife Sonja Arnason, of Stokkseyr, just outside of Reykjavík was defrosting her kitchen freezer and somehow cro...

Everyone knows that the three most unmentionable subjects are politics, religion, and sex. But with new figures at hand, The Judge is eager to report the latest findings on the subject.
In 2008, the latest polls clearly show politics, religion, an...