Damnit, I missed a day! I will have to make up for it by posting two times today!

This morning I was walking to work with Steve (he walks me to work in the mornings, awww) and we get maybe 50 feet from my office building when we hear it:

“FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAART.”

From a man who owns this Chinese import business in the building next to us. It wasn’t even subtle, it was so loud that I threw some of my coffee on myself. I mean, if you’ve got to fart, try and slip it out, but this guy almost seemed proud of it! Shame on your bum, sir. Shame on you. It almost sounded like one of those farts where you accidently shit yourself a little. I can’t get the sound out of my head.

But enough about farts, let’s talk about pugs!

Winston seems to waver between very smart and dumb. Don’t ask me how. Sometimes he does really dumb dog stuff, and then he’ll surprise me 10 minutes later by doing something genius. Like When he gets so excited that he runs to jump on the couch and then bounces off because he only put 30% into the jump. But then he’ll do something that wows me, like when you pet him and stop for a minute, and then he slaps your hand with his paw a few times to be like, “Hey, hey! We’re not done here!”

Now that I think of it, Zelda does the same thing. She’ll be so set on trying to catch a treat in her mouth that she will fall flat on her ass but always keep her eye on the food. I watched her completely topple over while trying to catch a ball yesterday. But she actually knows how to communicate with people. Like when she wants you to throw a toy, she’ll set it ON you and whine at you, while looking at you and the toy, all the while probably thinking, “Piece it together, GEEZ!”

And his name is Winston. After ripping a garbage bag open and eating an expired tuna wrap from Starbucks, Winston shat so hard and fast, it actually made a “BLORP!” noise when he went to the doggy litter box AND, he shat up the wall a little. I think the bum juice is his punishment. Oh only if he understood that the tuna wrap did it–that it wasn’t just random.

So I had a video conversation with my friend, Blondie tonight, and she found a way to take screen captures during our conversation. I had no idea how to do this to her, and as such, we just get to look a ridiculous pictures of me by myself!

And just for good measure, here’s some other photos I saw while I was cleaning files off my computer:

Well, I didn’t want to cry over any commercials yesterday, so maybe the medication is starting to work? No no, wait, it’s because I had a dog trainer/whisperer come to my apartment yesterday to help me with my little troublemakers! She was rather delightful, and managed to Cesar Milan the hell out of my dogs.

It was like watching a movie watching this lady show me what to do.

“Whose dogs are these?! These can’t be my dogs! They are behaving SO WELL!”

And you know how people on those dog “help me” shows always look like they feel like terrible people (well, most of the time)? Yeah, I was thinking I AM A TERRIBLE DOG MOMMA! while she’s telling me what I need to do to help them. I know I’m not a bad pug momma here in the real world, but when you have a certified dog trainer prancing your dogs around like they should have been cast in Best In Show, you start to feel a little bad.

I would really do anything to help them be happier, healthier pups, and this woman charged a very reasonable, dare I say LOW fee considering the help I got. Also consider that another company said they would have to charge me $1100 total for both dogs. Excuse me while I shit a brick and then use that brick to break into a bank so that I can pay these people. Then watch me hand a MUCH MORE REASONABLE $75 to this woman that came to my apartment last night. HELLO?! PRICE DIFFERENCE?! If that’s not an example of the Free Market at work, I don’t know what is. Can you imagine that there is no regulation on pricing? Someone out there is paying THOUSANDS of dollars when I am paying $75?! Good thing I shopped around!

And don’t forget the very generous tip I gave to this woman of a full pug’s worth of hair all over her clothing! She’ll be able to build her very own pug! I am so generous.

I didn’t want to cry I was so happy about her helping me, however, I did want to give her a kiss on the mouth because seriously? It was so nice to have someone come and see me in my environment and be able to examine how the dogs are in their home. I think the training worked a lot better because they were nice a comfortable as well.

I guess the only surprise that came wasn’t even mine, it was the dog trainer’s, when she noticed that both of my dogs like to stand on the coffee table. And the side tables. And window ledges. Hey, Winston happened to learn that from our cat and then passed it onto Zelda, I can’t help it! She saw one of them on one of our side tables and was like, “Well that’s new!” Yes, they enjoy taking the place of coffee table books. What of it?! Okay, they shouldn’t be allowed to do it, but I just think it’s really funny when they do, because they sort of look confused as to how they even got there, and how they’re going to get down without wiping out. Don’t worry, they never wipe out (just in case you were going to call Animal Control). I do enjoy the quizzical look they give though.

“WHA? HOW DID I GET HERE? WHAT IS THIS BLACK MAGIC?!”

Maybe someday I’ll even get to walk the dogs, dare I say it, off leash (in parks, as I don’t know, I don’t really like not having them strapped in when we’re walking on the sidewalk). One can dream…