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The U.S. Agriculture department just approved the first genetically altered apple for the U.S. market. A Canadian outfit has designed, yes, DESIGNED, an apple that neither bruises nor browns when sliced open or bitten into. I suppose it stays red and fresh for hundreds of years and has a half life of several billion, longer even than a discarded k-cup. They reengineered the thing minus an aging protein or something of the like so that it appears fresher than it really is. While it may not brown or bruise, it might taste just as soggy and mushy as a bruised apple would, unless they’ve managed to artificially preserve the crispness, which I admit would have a certain appeal, that is if they’ve not used something like formaldehyde. I really don’t like soggy apples but I like the smell of formaldehyde even less. And in my view, there is a place for soggy and brown apples and that would be in a jug of cider.

The Okanagan Specialty Fruit company that designed the GMO apple is planning to add a logo to the apple sticker in the form of a snowflake which would distinguish it from a real apple. It’s interesting that the natural and pristine snowflake is their choice of logo for the born in the lab apple. Maybe they are also planning to produce these apples to make Ice-Wine, which I rather like. But is an apple even an apple, if it’s DNA has been altered? Isn’t it kind of like Froot Loops cereal? The loops are not fruit, which is why the cereal is spelled Froot. And like Cheez Whiz, which is the not the reel deel, the Canadian apple should be spelled to reflect its synthetic properties – say Apel or Aple or maybe Apul. Since they designed out a protein, I think it only fitting the thing lose an l.

The UN says insects might just be the answer to solving world hunger. Well, as creepy as it sounds, insects are less creepy than genetically modified Monsanto seeds. I’d rather eat a cricket than corn from a cob the size of a tree trunk. Yesterday, protesters marched against Monsanto seeds in 436 cities in 52 countries demanding, among other things that food products with GMO (Genetically Modified Organisms) be labeled, something the FDA does not currently require. The U.S. Senate recently rejected an amendment to a farm bill to permit states to require labeling on GMO products. The vote wasn’t even close as senators from heavily subsidized farm states opposed it with help from the biotech corporate lobby. The irony here is that GMO seeds that can be engineered to be disease free and resistant to drought, herbicides (other than than the ones produced by the major players) and probably even fire too, threaten nature as much as they do humans. GMO seeds, like imported fishzilla, killer bees, jumping carp and shiny ladybugs, have a tendency to go rogue and invade the native species. GMO seeds have a competitive advantage over native crops and could literally drive them out of existence. Soon corn and soybeans will be the only crops left on the planet. Get ready to eat lots of popcorn, corn-on-the giant cob, cornflakes, cornbread, corn nuts and grits washed down with Kentucky bourbon. Is this the answer to world hunger?

Frankly, I’d rather eat honey and a variety of plants, but GMO seeds even threaten our bees. As goes the bees, so goes our honey, plants and our planet for that matter. According to the New Agriculturist, “bees pollinate one sixth of the world’s flowering plant species and 400 agricultural plants” like beans, carrots, onions, cherries, apples and tomatoes. There is evidence that GMO pollen poisons bees. And if GMOs poison bees, imagine what it could do to humans and insects.

Which brings me to insects. I really would rather eat a cricket, grasshopper or termite than a potentially poisonous food source grown in a laboratory. And the many millions of people on the planet who are starving or severely malnourished deserve healthy food, not a chemically created food experiment. According to the UN study, insects are healthy, highly nutritious and in abundant supply. In fact, in some cultures, insects are prized: ants, grubs, waterbugs, crickets, beetles, and scorpions to name a few. And to raise insects for consumption leaves a much lighter carbon footprint than the production of animals.

Now I know the consumption of insects is mostly taboo in Western culture, but in the not too distant future, I can envision restaurants specializing in insects that cater to an environmentally conscious crowd who are against GMO seeds and devoted to eating healthy while saving the planet. I have some menu ideas for the enterprising U.S. restauranteur:

Appetizers

Fried Cricket Bits

Beetle Tartare

Entrees

Chipotle Grasshopper: served with spicy termite oil on a GMO-free sesame seed bun

Barbecued Grubs: grilled and served on a bed of lightly seasoned sea urchins