Front Page News - Something Awfulhttp://www.somethingawful.com/news/The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.en-uswebmaster@somethingawful.com (Webmaster)support@somethingawful.com (Support)Tue, 03 Mar 2015 16:34:08 GMTweb2.0rss.com.farthttp://www.somethingawful.com/static.somethingawful.com/img/logo-rss.pngFront Page News - Something Awfulhttp://www.somethingawful.com/news/14455The Rings of Online Gamer Hellhttp://www.somethingawful.com/news/inferno-video-game/Welcome to Gamer Hell, where those who committed sins in online games must pay for their crimes against noobs for eternity.salmonseason@somethingawful.com (Ian "Salmon Season" Golding)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13801/Tue, 03 Mar 2015 01:00:00 GMTThe Case Files of Supreme Detective Vladimir Putinhttp://www.somethingawful.com/news/detective-putin-nemtsov/Russian President Vladimir Putin has sworn to personally investigate the murder of opposition leader Boris Nemtsov. In fact, Putin plans to use his expertise to solve most major crimes.zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13802/Mon, 02 Mar 2015 05:00:00 GMTMen's Hats Ranked From Most to Least Taintedhttp://www.somethingawful.com/news/men-hats-taint/1/Finding the right hat can feel like walking through a minefield for guys. Did a murderer wear your hat? Was it ruined by bros? Are you just an idiot? Find out with our authoritative ranking of bad hats. zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13799/Fri, 27 Feb 2015 05:00:00 GMTAll the So-Called 'Blatant Eroticism' in My Stories Has a Valid, In-Universe Justificationhttp://www.somethingawful.com/news/erotic-scifi-stories/The Amazonians value combat prowess and purity of spirit. By wrestling half naked, they pay homage to both virtues by displaying their battle-forged bodies while preserving as much modesty as their society deems necessary. The gelatin in which they wrestle is symbolic of the fluid nature of battle, a concept the Amazonians call ‘akgor-gra.’applewhite_1@yahoo.com (F. Frank Manfred)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13795/Thu, 26 Feb 2015 01:00:00 GMTSky Mall Product Reviews: NIGHT GLOW Toilet Seathttp://www.somethingawful.com/news/skymall-glowing-toilet/Pros: Much more comfortable than my last toilet seat, which was a transparent resin with seashells embedded inside. The outer layer wore off from friction, exposing the sharp jagged edges of the seashells, which were constantly scrapping my backside and causing major cuts and open sores.livestock@somethingawful.com (Josh "Livestock" Boruff)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13794/Wed, 25 Feb 2015 00:00:00 GMTLet's Get the Terrible Apple Car Jokes out of the Wayhttp://www.somethingawful.com/news/apple-car-jokes/To start the windshield wipers I bet you have to put two fingers against the glass and swipe. This is a reference to touchscreens.ctstalker@somethingawful.com (Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13792/Tue, 24 Feb 2015 00:00:00 GMTBest #AskHerMore Questions From the Oscars Red Carpethttp://www.somethingawful.com/news/oscar-questions-women/Women on the Oscars Red Carpet this year finally get some decent questions thanks to the #AskHerMore campaign.zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13790/Mon, 23 Feb 2015 05:00:00 GMTBill Cosby vs. Bart Simpson in Retrospecthttp://www.somethingawful.com/news/cosby-versus-bart/25 years after their famous feud began, we find out who truly risked leading America down the road to ruin.bobservo@somethingawful.com (Bob "BobServo" Mackey)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13789/Fri, 20 Feb 2015 00:00:00 GMTYou Idiots Must Stop Believing in a Man in the Sky Who Makes Vaccineshttp://www.somethingawful.com/news/maher-eye-rolling/New Rule: no more injecting your religion into this debate. The vaccine science is in and I have read several articles about it on Natural News.zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Bill Maher)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13787/Thu, 19 Feb 2015 05:00:00 GMTWhat Critics Are Sayinghttp://www.somethingawful.com/news/what-critics-saying/What critics are saying as they press their wobbly newborn heads through the shells of their rectangular wooden eggs and squint up at the complex's halogen lights: "Unforgettable! A classic!"ctstalker@somethingawful.com (Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13785/Wed, 18 Feb 2015 00:00:00 GMTWhat your professor means when they cancel classhttp://www.somethingawful.com/news/class-cancel/The only thing that matters is that you don't have to show up.salmonseason@somethingawful.com (Ian "Salmon Season" Golding)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13783/Tue, 17 Feb 2015 01:00:00 GMTThe Ultimate Ranking of American Presidentshttp://www.somethingawful.com/news/worst-presidents-list/1/The official USA ranking of all American presidents, from George Washington to George W. Bush and beyond. Where does your favorite president rank?zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13781/Mon, 16 Feb 2015 05:00:00 GMTRealistic Warnings About Jungles From Guns N' Roseshttp://www.somethingawful.com/news/welcome-to-jungle/Heed the warnings of Axl Rose and do not visit an actual jungle. And if you do, be prepared to poop yourself to death.zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13779/Fri, 13 Feb 2015 05:00:00 GMTGuide to Betting at The Cheltenham Festivus: 2015 ed.http://www.somethingawful.com/news/cheltenham-betting-guide/Since the 1800s, Cheltenham has been held every March in a small British hamlet that is coincidentally also named Cheltenham. There are horse beauty pageants, horse merry-go-rounds for the kids, and horse races, which flourish as a catalyst for angry people who love gambling and becoming steadily angrier throughout the course of four days.g0mmyg0m@gmail.com (David "g0m" Dolan)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13776/Thu, 12 Feb 2015 01:00:00 GMTUnlike My Opponent, Chapter Sixhttp://www.somethingawful.com/news/unlike-my-opponent6/You won't find me or my social media team endorsing dangerous behavior. I will protect our children from deadly teen trends like cavemaning, where misguided youths freeze themselves in blocks of solid ice to earn internet cred.livestock@somethingawful.com (Josh "Livestock" Boruff)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13775/Wed, 11 Feb 2015 00:00:00 GMTThat Trailer for Season 3 of Netflix's Zelda Is Mind-Blowinghttp://www.somethingawful.com/news/netflix-zelda-trailer/A familiar silhouette steps into the outline of a too-large moon. In his trademark raspy growl, Link mutters "Sometimes I don't even know what I'm fighting for."ctstalker@somethingawful.com (Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13773/Tue, 10 Feb 2015 00:00:00 GMTThe Full Truth Behind Those Footprints On the Beachhttp://www.somethingawful.com/news/lord-carries-you/In this touching and deeply spiritual prose poem, the Lord finally answers my questions about all those footprints on the beach.zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13771/Mon, 09 Feb 2015 05:00:00 GMTI Might Have Misremembered Defeating the Beast With the Krull Glaivehttp://www.somethingawful.com/news/brian-williams-lying/NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams apologizes for getting confused about some details about an incident that happened a long time ago on the planet Krull.zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Brian Williams)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13769/Fri, 06 Feb 2015 05:00:00 GMTThe Mockingbird Imperative: A Cyberpunk Thrillerhttp://www.somethingawful.com/news/harper-lee-novel/Find out what happened to Scout, Jem, and the rest in Harper Lee's first novel since 1960.bobservo@somethingawful.com (Harper Lee)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13767/Thu, 05 Feb 2015 00:00:00 GMTMounting Evidence Suggests I'm An Idiothttp://www.somethingawful.com/news/im-an-idiot/Most people take a hands-on approach to their lives. I prefer to observe mine from a respectful distance. From this vantage point I've noticed some worrying behavior. This might shatter the mental image that you've built up, but I'm beginning to think I might be a big dumb idiot.ctstalker@somethingawful.com (Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13766/Wed, 04 Feb 2015 00:00:00 GMTPlease go home if you're sick.http://www.somethingawful.com/news/sick-work/Unless we need a real life example of what that green gas in The Rock does to a human body, you aren’t really offering much to the workplace.salmonseason@somethingawful.com (Ian "Salmon Season" Golding)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13764/Tue, 03 Feb 2015 01:00:00 GMTA Comprehensive List of Most to Least Honorable Ways to Diehttp://www.somethingawful.com/news/honorable-death/1/Will you die fighting for what you believe or will you be stepping out of the shower when your pet kills you? From samurai duels to Craigslist deals gone bad, we rank all the ways to die.zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13762/Mon, 02 Feb 2015 05:00:00 GMTAdvanced Level Sexy Catcallshttp://www.somethingawful.com/news/catcalling-god-tier/Hows about you, me, and five uncomfortable minutes in my basement apartment next to the dusty Christmas tree that's still up from my last visit with my estranged children.zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13760/Fri, 30 Jan 2015 05:00:00 GMTZagat's Guide to Poor Person Eatinghttp://www.somethingawful.com/news/zagat-poor-person/The Upper Kitchen Cabinet Where Your Roommate Keeps His Food: You’ll 'need the footstool' to reach your roommate’s 'fine selection' of 'stale cereal,' but he'll never notice if 'only a little is missing from each box.' Feel less guilty by reminding yourself that Jeff 'acts weird around your girlfriend,' and always 'asks about her.' What a 'creep.'asterios.kokkinos@gmail.com (Asterios "President Baby" Kokkinos)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13757/Thu, 29 Jan 2015 01:00:00 GMTSkyMall Product Reviews: Peacock Goddess Sculpturehttp://www.somethingawful.com/news/skymall-peacock-goddess/This is the crown jewel of my erotic lamp collection, and a must-have for any serious pleasure lamp collector.livestock@somethingawful.com (Josh "Livestock" Boruff)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13756/Wed, 28 Jan 2015 00:00:00 GMTThe Men Must Pay for What They Did to the Footballshttp://www.somethingawful.com/news/football-deflate-patriots/The treacherous New England Patriots are guilty of deflating their footballs. We must punish them severely in the name of holy retribution. This transgression has been the biggest headline in the United States for an entire week, and it should be the primary concern of all nations.ctstalker@somethingawful.com (Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13754/Tue, 27 Jan 2015 00:00:00 GMTWho the Hell is Buying Rolos?http://www.somethingawful.com/news/rolos-really-suck/We have used extensive market research to determine the average consumers of America's favorite rolls of caramel-oozing choco cysts.zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13752/Mon, 26 Jan 2015 05:00:00 GMTSniper Chris Will Make You Cheer and Then Change the Way You Think of Americahttp://www.somethingawful.com/news/kyle-american-sniper/1/That atheist professor should have kept his mouth shut around this American Sniper.zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13749/Fri, 23 Jan 2015 00:00:00 GMTAn Urgent Plea to the King of Cartoonshttp://www.somethingawful.com/news/king-of-cartoons/The Cartoon Kingdom is restless. At its heart, a mad tyrant.bobservo@somethingawful.com (A Concerned Cartoon Kingdom Citizen)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13750/Thu, 22 Jan 2015 00:00:00 GMTNintendo's Selling Systems Without Power Cords, On Purposehttp://www.somethingawful.com/news/nintendo-3ds-power/If you live in north America or Europe, the New Nintendo 3DS (not to be confused with the Nintendo 3DS, Nintendo 2DS, Nintendo 3DS U, or Nokia N-Gage) will not come with an AC adapter. I'm pretty sure that means you won't be able to charge the internal battery unless you rub the system against a power outlet for a few days and hope for the best.ctstalker@somethingawful.com (Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13747/Wed, 21 Jan 2015 00:00:00 GMTNabokov's Lolita annotated by Genius.comhttp://www.somethingawful.com/news/literature-annotation-genius/What if SparkNotes were written by the people who need to read SparkNotes? It's here. salmonseason@somethingawful.com (Ian "Salmon Season" Golding)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13743/Tue, 20 Jan 2015 01:00:00 GMTHeaven is for Real and for Some Reason I Went to Techno Heavenhttp://www.somethingawful.com/news/colton-burpo-cyberpunk/6-year-old Hunter died and went to heaven. It just wasn't the heaven he was expecting.zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Todd Malarko and his son, Hunter, age 6)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13744/Mon, 19 Jan 2015 05:00:00 GMTI Have Simplified My Life With a Tiny House Full of Compartments for Pornhttp://www.somethingawful.com/news/tiny-house-movement/Time to say goodbye to suburban and city clutter and move out to an unzoned property with just me, my dog, and a selection of adult magazines in special compartments. zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13741/Fri, 16 Jan 2015 05:00:00 GMTA Map of Brooklyn Street Gangshttp://www.somethingawful.com/news/brooklyn-gangs-map/Brooklyn was once a hotbed of gang violence, with groups like the Pure Hells, Satan Souls and Screaming Phantoms carving out their turf. The borough has gotten a bit safer over the years, but many dangerous gangs are still at large.jedjed78@hotmail.com (Jedidiah)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13732/Thu, 15 Jan 2015 01:00:00 GMTBarkWire.com Dog Reviews: Hazard & Meathookhttp://www.somethingawful.com/news/barkwire-hazard-meathook/This dog is no good. How do I know? Guess who spent six hours following this dog around town with a loaded gun. I would have kept following him, and maybe even put him down, but somebody called the SWAT team on me.livestock@somethingawful.com (Josh "Livestock" Boruff)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13738/Wed, 14 Jan 2015 00:00:00 GMTThe Only Questions a Sideline Reporter Will Ever Needhttp://www.somethingawful.com/news/sideline-reporter-questions/I heard you have a new baby at home. This must be such an exciting, emotional time for you. I have to ask, though, what is a baby?ctstalker@somethingawful.com (Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13735/Tue, 13 Jan 2015 00:00:00 GMTBoko Haram's Statement Upon Seizing Control of the Town From Footloosehttp://www.somethingawful.com/news/footloose-boko-haram/The conservative town of Bomont is about to get slightly more conservative as the Nigerian terrorists invade.zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13734/Mon, 12 Jan 2015 04:00:00 GMTJe Suis Charliehttp://www.somethingawful.com/news/tribute-charlie-hebdo/1/With the help of the Internet, we offer our solemn tribute to the heroes of Charlie Hebdo who were brutally killed in Paris. Je Suis Charlie.zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13733/Fri, 09 Jan 2015 04:30:00 GMTDevelopers of Glorn FAQhttp://www.somethingawful.com/news/developers-of-glorn/Everything you need to know about your favorite hardcore German board game.bobservo@somethingawful.com (Bob "BobServo" Mackey)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13731/Thu, 08 Jan 2015 00:00:00 GMTWhich Movie Will Be More Bad: Blackhat or Jupiter Ascending?http://www.somethingawful.com/news/jupiter-ascending-blackhat/Jupiter Ascending asks: What if one of the lesser Star Wars movies had the visual design of the Underworld series?ctstalker@somethingawful.com (Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13729/Wed, 07 Jan 2015 00:00:00 GMTTricks for Buying Super Rare Amiiboshttp://www.somethingawful.com/news/amiibo-rare-tips/Ten amazing tricks to finding the season's hottest nerd trinkets. [100% confirmed] [Uncle works at Nintendo]salmonseason@somethingawful.com (Ian "Salmon Season" Golding)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13727/Tue, 06 Jan 2015 01:00:00 GMTOur New Open Office Will Foster the Creativity of Insane Masochistshttp://www.somethingawful.com/news/open-office-misery/1/Shutter Island? More like open workgroup! We have devised a new floor plan for the office based on 19th century insane asylums.zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Management)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13725/Mon, 05 Jan 2015 05:00:00 GMTThe Full List of Groups Mentioned in the Original Draft of KMFDM's "Megalomaniac"http://www.somethingawful.com/news/kmfdm-megalomaniacal-sonic/An early draft of the KMFDM song "Megalomaniacal" reveals a much more extensive list of interesting groups of people.zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13723/Fri, 02 Jan 2015 05:00:00 GMTKnow Your Dragon Age: Inquisition Skillshttp://www.somethingawful.com/news/dragon-inquisition-skills/You can use abilities and skills to win a video game. I recommend it! Here's a handy visual guide to the skills in Dragon Age: Inquisition. Push the button that does them and you'll win faster.ctstalker@somethingawful.com (Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13722/Thu, 01 Jan 2015 00:00:00 GMTThe Thoughts of Dogshttp://www.somethingawful.com/news/dog-thoughts/1/"Meat. All types of meat. Gravies, too. Every kind of gravy. Meats with gravies. Broth, pure unfiltered broth. Every meat in my mouth right now, gravy oozing out." -Champlivestock@somethingawful.com (Josh "Livestock" Boruff)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13721/Wed, 31 Dec 2014 00:00:00 GMTThe Wire HD Remaster Has Some Problemshttp://www.somethingawful.com/news/wire-hd-remaster/The new widescreen HD remaster of The Wire sounded like a safe bet, given series creator David Simon's close involvement with the conversion. Did you catch last weekend's marathon? Some of the changes struck me as odd, but I want to run them by you guys to make sure I'm not overreacting.ctstalker@somethingawful.com (Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13718/Tue, 30 Dec 2014 00:00:00 GMTYour Year in Reviewhttp://www.somethingawful.com/news/year-end-facebook/What do you see in your year in review? A tragedy? A vacation? Strange and terrifying things? Yes!zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13716/Mon, 29 Dec 2014 05:00:00 GMTWords That Need To Be Banned in the New Yearhttp://www.somethingawful.com/news/time-eliminate-word/Time magazine wanted to eliminate a few words. We have a better idea and these words have got to go in 2015.zackparsons@somethingawful.com (Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13715/Fri, 26 Dec 2014 05:00:00 GMTCrisis at the North Polehttp://www.somethingawful.com/news/crisis-north-pole/The 17-century battle between Santa Claus and Satan reaches an unfortunate peak.bobservo@somethingawful.com (Bob "BobServo" Mackey)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13713/Thu, 25 Dec 2014 00:00:00 GMTChristmaspastahttp://www.somethingawful.com/news/christmaspasta/1/The unSlender Man is a humanoid male with a rotund belly and jocular disposition. He is described as wearing a red suit with white trim and a matching hat. While it is rare to catch a glimpse of the unSlender Man, victims say his footprints in the snow are visible for days after his visits. Thats right, you guessed it- idts the big man Santa Claus.g0mmyg0m@gmail.com (David "g0m" Dolan)http://www.somethingawful.com/a/13710/Wed, 24 Dec 2014 01:00:00 GMT