Monday, March 4, 2013

1st 5 Pages March Workshop - Seminara

The halo drooping over the summit hung darker than usual and felt heavy, like wet clothes. Logan had hoped the onset of spring might have lightened things up a bit; even the fires-stars, Magnus’ golden flower hadn’t begun to shoot out of their earthy womb to the sky. Creepy. He was close now; the familiar red-slashed, gray circled isosceles triangle bobbed in and out of view. A few more steps and the threatening words: “No Trespassing, Travel to the Summit Forbidden by order of The Board!” Entering the Forbidden Zone meant sure Extraction from Illium; removal from family and friends, tied to a raft and set out to sea, alone. Who could survive? Nobody ever came back; in fact much like the haloed-summit, no one had ever seen the sea. If the halo doesn’t kill you, the Board will! Logan laughed out loud; how many times had he made it in and out, no problem? Of course he never made it to the summit, or even close, but a well-planned lunch on Logan’s part of Uncle Cronus’ favorite meat-cakes, and sweeties – a special delicacy of sugar and fruit and Cronus would be out cold, slumped against a boulder, just long enough for Logan to do some exploring!

Logan rested his walking stick up against the backside of the sign. He wouldn’t need it now; the trail fell flatter in the halo, and quite softer. Today the air had a chemical odor and taste to it. Logan knew all about chemicals, he had been top Chemistry student at the Knowledge Gate School three years in a row! Final projects were due in just under a month, and this year’s prize promised a recreation voucher. In the name of Science, he just had to hike in the forbidden zone. Perhaps he would discover a new element. His heart pounded with excitement.

The halo thickened the further he went, hanging like an iron door. He threw his pack down and took out a small shovel, but a sweeping fatigue hit him. Logan shrugged it off to having had very little sleep, anxious to get the most out of his visit and so he laid down, propping his pack under his head, mindlessly digging his hands into the soft reddish soil. Deeper and deeper he dug, his nails filling with the particles that made the mountain. He pictured these particles breaking down into molecules and the molecules into atoms, and then what?

“Ouch!” Logan sprung into a sitting position to examine his hand. He felt dizzy and a trickle of blood ran down his wrist. Stuck inside his index finger was a blue shard, about two inches wide by three inches long. Logan winced. He’d have to pull it out. It had gone in pretty deep – almost straight through. He braced himself; goose bumps traveled up his arm. “One, two…” gasp, “Three!” Logan clenched his teeth through the pain. With his free hand he fished around his pack for something to wrap around the wound and stop the bleeding. It hurt plenty and within seconds, blood soaked through the thin yellow cloth his mom had wrapped his meat-cake with. He wiped the shard across his shirt to examine it.

The stone had four sides, sort of free form, transparently blue in some places, deep cobalt blue in others. The edges were sharp and clear, except for the red stain where Logan’s blood deposited. Whatever this shard was, he’d soon find out. His fingers itched to start experimenting. A roll of thunder quaking through the halo made it even darker. The odor became much stronger now, and he could taste sulfur. He slipped the shard in his pocket and headed back out. Soon the heavy veil dissolved into a soft mist. He went for his walking stick, but it wasn’t there. Instead he found Uncle Cronus, leaning against the sign, smirking.

“So, you did it again?” Cronus’ shiny, bald head shimmered with a soft covering of mist in-line with the halo on the Forbidden sign. Logan couldn’t help but laugh.

“You think it’s funny?” Logan pointed to the sign.

“No, it’s just that…”

Cronus’ expression turned serious. He held out Logan’s walking stick with his short, muscular arms. Oak chips showered Logan’s hand as he grabbed it with his right hand, placing his left hand quickly behind his back. Logan tried to avert Cronus’ round, steady eyes, but Cronus held steadfast onto the stick. “I notched it. This is our 26th hike.”

“Twenty-four, I don’t count the ones I actually didn’t walk my own way.”

“Well, nevertheless, whether I held you or not, two hikes for every year.”

Logan barely recalled those earliest hikes, when Cronus would wrap him up like a package and tie him to his back. They didn’t hike very far, but Logan remembered the way the mountain smelled sweet in the spring and bitter in the fall. As he grew older, the hikes became longer and longer, until Logan had reached the warning sign. Then came the day Logan had finally stepped into the halo; he had just turned ten. Uncle Cronus had fallen asleep after over- indulging in sweeties. Logan had been just inside the halo a few feet, and for only a few minutes, and yet he totally recalled how his body trembled with excitement from head to toe, how he felt like he belonged there. He had heard Uncle’s hysterical cries, and really had wanted to get out and assure Cronus that he was fine, but the feeling in the air, and the opaqueness of whatever the halo was made up of fascinated him. He wanted to dissect it, taste it, study it. Logan still felt that way. For some crazy reason, Logan had a knowing about this mountain; a knowing that the halo held secrets about the Before. Before Illium. Before this beautiful mountain ever existed. But the Before was also forbidden in Illium, so Logan used science as a way to get some answers.

Cronus licked his lips, the softness returning to his eyes. “Those sweeties are irresistible kid. Gotta hand it to ya. Works every time!” He circled Logan, slowly checking every feature of his nephew. “So, what’s behind your back?”

Before Logan could swing his hand away, Cronus caught his cuff.

“Now, how am I going to explain that to your mother?” He grabbed Logan’s hand closer, gently touching the bloodied yellow wrap.

“Tell her that you’re teaching me how to carve walking sticks.”

“Now you know I can’t say that!” Cronus slowly opened the yellow cloth and heaved through his teeth. “She’d kill me if she thought I was teaching you contraband.”

“But you can carve walking sticks.” Logan grabbed his hand back and re-wrapped it.

“I’m not a scientist. My job is to make walking sticks so people will use their vouchers to buy ‘em. Your job is Science.” Cronus drew an imaginary circle with his hands. “The wheels of progress go round and round. We do what we do for Illium!” Suddenly, his eyes grew serious. “You’ll get the two of us rafted, and that would break Naira’s heart.”

Logan shook the thought out of his head. The thought that occurred to him every time Cronus said his mother’s name like that. He knew they weren’t related, but he also knew his mother had broken her pairing, and that under the rules…

10 comments:

I like the ominous beginning that tells me this world is not our world. I know right away that Logan is adventurous and a bit of a rebel. I like how he arranges for the lunch to put his uncle to sleep so he can explore. He has a comfortable relationship with Cronus. The characters seem fresh to me.

There is a lot in the introduction that was new, and I was a little confused. The halo, the firestar, the isosceles triangle were things I would have liked to have more details about.

The penalty for going past the boundary is pretty severe. I wondered why Logan would so easily break the rules. Maybe more internal monologue about why he does it so casually. The part about being tired and lying down didn’t make sense to me. I was expecting it to be like Oz, where the halo made him fall asleep.

What I expect – Logan will continue to go into the halo and probably get in trouble for it. The blue shard is intriguing and a nice set up that feels important.

Well-said Jeri, I felt the same way. There is a lot of heavy detail at the beginning, which seems to be working against me getting comfortable in this new environment. I felt the same about Logan's cavalier attitude towards trespassing. I also would trade some detail about the environment for more about Logan. One other item worth mentioning - every time I read the name Cronus I kept feeling this was a mythological piece. Maybe it is, or maybe it's just my years of Latin and mythology rearing their ugly head!

Please excuse my lateness. I have pneumonia and today is the first day I've been able to even lift my head off the pillow.

The beginning is actually my favorite part. I know there are two schools of thought with fantasy readers/writers-- really explain at the beginning or throw them into the deep end of the pool. I'm a big believer in the deep end of the pool analogy. I love that you throw all that at us at the beginning. I don't understand it all, but I know I will as the book unfolds. Great world building!

Another thing I really like is the setting and the implied importance of it. I think a subtle hint as to its importance would be good if you could weave it somewhere into the scene.

I too am fascinated by the stone. Why doesn't he show the stone to Cronus? It seems like he trusts his uncle a lot.

My first question is what age are you going for here (in the reader)? This is a thirteen year old boy so I'm guessing middle grade, but this doesn't read like a middle grade. Also, his voice feels a little forced to me-- and a litle young. Can you loosen him up a little, give him some thirteen year old angst (I would imagine that would translate between worlds)because as it is, he seems very starry eyed. This makes the scene drag a little in the middle-- if you slightly adjust his attitude I think it will speed things up all around.

Also, Cronus is a name with a lot of mythological connotations (none of them good). Is this a deliberate choice on your part, some kind of foreshadowing? If not, I would suggest looking closely at it because it takes the reader (especially the fantasy reader) down a certain path. If that's not the path you want them to follow, you might want to rethink the name.

It's a really good beginning. Your writing is strong and compelling and it makes me want to read more. Thanks so much for sharing :)

I love that first sentence, the image "heavy, like wet clothes," it really made a picture in my mind. I did have a little trouble getting through the rest of the first paragraph, had to read it a few times through. I wonder if even just breaking it up into a couple paragraphs might allow the reader to process a bit more along the way? There's so much great information and so many interesting new ideas within that first paragraph, I wonder if some might get skimmed over. I think it does read a little older than MG.

Cronus is such an interesting character- I like him already. He seems like a wise working man, with a more scientific mind than he's given credit for. Makes me want to know more about him.

I wonder, as some other commenters have, if the payoff of venturing the Forbidden Zone is enough motivation for Logan to risk it all. What is the payoff, what is Logan really searching for? Is he a dare devil, always looking for a thrill? Does the thought of new scientific discoveries beyond the boundaries drive him to do it? Or does he actually want exile because he's unhappy with his current life? Maybe a bit more of what he's thinking, what motivates him to such risky behavior.

Just a little note here, I know we're not line editing but I've been reading over and over about how agents and publishers can be turned off by a lot of exclamation points. I noticed several while I was reading your excerpt and wondered if you couldn't write around them a bit. Again, that's a minor little thing.

You have a couple great characters here and I definitely want to know more about them. Can't wait to see your first revision. Great job!

I'm going to be the wrench in the works, sorry! I didn't go for the opening paragraph because if I can't grasp it all, how can a middle grade reader? Can you still do description, but make it a tad more simplistic or relatable to our world in some way? You don't have to lose the beautiful writing to do that! And I do love your writing. I like Logan, though I agree that you can really get into his head better and show more of his age/issues through his voice. Try writing some in first person just as an exercise to try it out and see if it helps. You don't have to change the whole book unless you find it works better.

I also don't like the exclamation points. I really don't think they are necessary in those places. You show us through the writing that it's exciting to him. Only use those if absolutely necessary. Also think about breaking up those long first paragraphs to make it a little more MG friendly. Just a thought and that might help me with the opening. One feature to focus on per paragraph? IDK! Can't wait to read the revision.

You write beautifully--especially when it comes to setting detail and creating your world. Logan promises to be a character who has his own views on the world and makes things happen by either taking or failing to take action. I actually like that he's conspiring with his uncle to break the rules but then fails to tell his uncle about the stone. However, that's also one of my biggest problem areas with this opening. You are going to need to establish a reason why he isn't sharing that with his uncle, as well as establish the reason why he is willing to brave such seemingly severe penalties. Does he not believe in the penalties because he's done the climb so many times with impunity? Does he believe his uncle will protect him? Or is he just a risktaker? Etc.

I'd also like a bit more grounding into why he kept digging deeper into the soil. The stone promises to be a big part of this story (no?), so it is critical that we follow that very clearly. If it is something magical or scientific about the stone that is altering his behavior, making him dig to find it and making him secretive, spend time establishing that so that the reader is "in on it" even though Logan isn't. Also make the spot where he looks for the walking stick and sees his uncle instead a bit clearer. Did his uncle transform himself into the walking stick to secretly accompany Logan?

This promises to be a truly fresh and creative concept. I love the world you are building, but I agree with Lisa's suggestion about using a first person version to get yourself into a consistent MG voice. Because it seems as though there are things going on that Logan isn't aware of, you probably are wise to stay with 3rd person, but a deep third would let you manipulate the narrative camera while still letting the voice come through. And I can see that Logan's voice is going to be fun when you distill it a little bit more.

You write beautifully--especially when it comes to setting detail and creating your world. Logan promises to be a character who has his own views on the world and makes things happen by either taking or failing to take action. I actually like that he's conspiring with his uncle to break the rules but then fails to tell his uncle about the stone. However, that's also one of my biggest problem areas with this opening. You are going to need to establish a reason why he isn't sharing that with his uncle, as well as establish the reason why he is willing to brave such seemingly severe penalties. Does he not believe in the penalties because he's done the climb so many times with impunity? Does he believe his uncle will protect him? Or is he just a risktaker? Etc.

I'd also like a bit more grounding into why he kept digging deeper into the soil. The stone promises to be a big part of this story (no?), so it is critical that we follow that very clearly. If it is something magical or scientific about the stone that is altering his behavior, making him dig to find it and making him secretive, spend time establishing that so that the reader is "in on it" even though Logan isn't. Also make the spot where he looks for the walking stick and sees his uncle instead a bit clearer. Did his uncle transform himself into the walking stick to secretly accompany Logan?

This promises to be a truly fresh and creative concept. I love the world you are building, but I agree with Lisa's suggestion about using a first person version to get yourself into a consistent MG voice. Because it seems as though there are things going on that Logan isn't aware of, you probably are wise to stay with 3rd person, but a deep third would let you manipulate the narrative camera while still letting the voice come through. And I can see that Logan's voice is going to be fun when you distill it a little bit more.

Janis,You create a very interesting world with two interesting characters. The description and dialogue are especially good. I did have a little trouble piecing together the setting from the first two paragrpahs and it took me a couple readings to understand that Magnus is a forbidden mountain and Ilium is a country. The names are excellent. Logan is a good name for a YA protagonist and gives us a feel for the world, and Cronus is an excellent name for a mentor, as the mythological allusion is too a god that was defeated and mentors often die in the story, so right off the bat I have a sense of foreboding for him that adds tension. I think you might be trying to put in a little too much detail right up front. I would use your dialogue more, which is very strong. One more thought. I know Logan wants to climb to the top of Magnus, but I don't know why. The stakes for this are established to be very high, but it seems like it is a fun adventurous goal for him, as opposed to something that he must do (to feed his family, get medicine, etc.) At this stage, I don't know why he would take such a great risk, but I am intrigued. Good work.Jim

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