Iran Imprisons Journalist For Not Having Penis

Roxana Saberi, an Iranian-American reporter from North Dakota, was sentenced Saturday by the Iranian government to eight years in prison, after being convicted of no penis in the first degree.

The one-day trial was closed to the public, though sources inside the Iranian Justice Department claimed the evidence against Saberi was "overwhelming", and that Saberi herself openly confessed throughout the proceedings to not having a penis.

Iranian President Mahmoud John Ahmadinejad released a statement clarifying Saberi's imprisonment.

"She was reporting news without the proper credentials -- namely, while not being in possession of a penis. This is unacceptable."

U.S. Sen. Kent Conrad (D-ND) called the ruling "not good...maybe even bad," adding, "Iran cannot prove she is not a man."

U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton vowed to get to the bottom of the mystery of Saberi's true sexual identity, stating, "We are working closely with the Swiss Protecting Presence to find out if this 'thing' actually is a woman, and to make sure that if he is not a woman, he is promptly released."

Iran, which is a country somewhere near Iraq and China, generally follows a cult called Islam, an ancient belief system condemned by many scholars as "crazy" and "just plain weird."

"What one sees in Iran is a large religious presence in the population," said Dr. Irvin Kushner, a professor of theology and history at Brown University. "Consequently, politicians fight to be seen as loyal to religion in order to win votes from the population. Even one issue of disagreement can lead to shunning from an entire religious group.

Kushner believes that these deep religious roots permeated throughout Saberi's trial, making it difficult to determine whether or not impartial justice has been served.

"She was put on trial based on a set of morals that have no place in the modern world," said Kushner. "The mere fact that all witnesses had to swear on the Koran before giving their testimonies just goes to show how insane the whole proceedings were. Just because a random Middle Eastern person wrote up a bunch of rules two thousand years ago doesn't automatically mean they make any sense."

Unfortunately for Saberi, Islamic law is usually uncompromising in its requirement that all news reporting be conducted by penises, which are considered to be the true human brain. Without a penis, a person -- known scientifically as a "girl" or "female" -- is discouraged from receiving an education, working, or doing anything, ever.

Most Americans were unaware of Saberi's imprisonment, instead focusing their attention on pirates.

"When peace becomes more losing than war," explained local mechanic Thomas Jefferson, "we may prefer the latter on the principle of pecuniary calculation alone."

Saberi is expected to try to appeal the sentence, but fail when her female brain is unable to comprehend how exactly to do that.