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Thursday, December 1, 2011

I have knitted up most of the Christmas presents. I finished my brother, my brother in law, my nephew, my sister. I need to cast on and finish a scarf and two kid hats and my knitting for Christmas will be done. I still need to create some baby stuff for 3 of my friends. I love knitting. I love making something from nothing.. It is so fun. I realized the other day I have never made myself anything.. Well a dishcloth which I love!!

I had a birthday and got a jewelry making kit and some beads. I made a some earrings last night. I love it. So much fun! I am hoping to make earrings and knitted items and sell them. Pray it works. It would nice to have some extra money. I love it too. I am clearly crafty.. LOL.. My birthday was wonderful this year. My hubby paid for a 1 hour massage for me, it was extravagant but I am excited. It will be wonderful. My MIL and FIL took me to eat Chinese and then bought some crab for me to eat for dinner. I did not eat it last night but I will be steaming it up today I assure you. My family all got together on skype and sang Happy Birthday, it was awesome. I enjoyed it. My husband let me sleep in and just in general let me do whatever I wanted because he said "it is your day". He knows the value of my birthday clearly. LOL. I love that guy.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Dr.O is on call again. Sometimes I don't mind, others I do. I will adjust someday I am sure. I am just as sure that, that moment is not now. I dislike him being gone overnight. I really do. I miss his snoring, I never thought I would say that. I miss poking him in the night to turn over cause his snoring is keeping me awake. I miss him saying I love you in his sleep. So much...

I know that this is part of medicine. It is a long term part of my life and his and our children's lives. I don't have to like it. I only have to accept it and I do. I just don't like it at all. I am tired but I can't sleep, rubbish. I want to be able to just go to bed when I want, rather than sit here not being able to sleep because Dr.O is not home.

The kids sleep, well the oldest does. The little one hardly ever sleeps. I am running on fumes anyway due to her sleeping habits, you would certainly think that I would not be sitting here awake. I would be trying to squeeze in whatever sleep I could get in before the next wake. There are some days I dream of merely 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep, oh what that must feel like. It has been years, literally.

I veered off the subject a bit, but I guess it is all related. Call equals no sleep for this student doctor's wife.

Friday, October 28, 2011

So my husband was on call on Thursday, which meant he left the house at 640a and did not return until 1030am today. His senior decided that sleeping when there was time was not something that should be done. She had them study instead. So he has been awake since around 430 on Thursday morning. He went to bed I think by 11am, Poor guy. I don't see the point of making the students stay awake all that time when there is a call room for a reason. Ok there is my mini rant.

I don't always sleep well when he is on call, ok more like usually. We have not had a call in a month. I got spoiled. uuugghh. I did better than normal in that I went to bed at 130a however the oldest got up at 630a. Earlier than even usual. I could have convinced her to go back to bed however she woke up our youngest who does not understand and is not one to be convinced to go to back to bed.

uuugghh Will I ever get used to call. I don't resent it like I used to but I am not used to it for sure. Again.. uuuggghh.. I am so tired and want a nap and yet I can't nap until the girls do IF they happen to nap at the same time. V is not so good at that dual napping thing yet.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

There are times that I wonder why life is so very hard to adjust to. Why is my mood so bad? Why can't I get more than 1 hour of sleep at any one time? Why does my husband have to be a medical student? Why do I have to live so far from everyone I am close to? I end up asking a whole bunch of whys about my life. Why this, Why That. I ask these questions in the same manner my little nephew did when he was 3, he would ask you why, you answered and then he asked why to your answer, and you told yourself that you would just keep answering, but then by that 10th why, you just wanted to scream BECAUSE I SAID SO. Instead you calmed said, I don't know. Why don't you know, because I don't. In the end, he would give up because you were not longer fun to torment. (note: He is now 21) So I ask the why, followed by another why and so on and so forth.

However, when I do this I have out two very important things:

All why's do is cause you to be filled with negativity.

They keep God at bay.

I don't want to do either so I have been trying to stop them in there tracks. I no longer ask why, merely trying to accept that the why is not for me to know, but merely to accept. I am where God wants me to be. He has a reason, perhaps a lesson, perhaps even part of the path to allow me to end up where he wants me to go. God has a reason for everything he does, for what he allows in his life. I have to believe that. I know that a lot of the lessons I have learned have been extremely painful and ones I would have forgone had I known. Those very lessons though, have left a lasting impact on who I am and what choices I make now.

So God's impact on my life is that I want him to lead and me to follow. I want to let him take my burdens and for myself to be free to enjoy the life he has given me. I want to be so close to him that all my worldly drama's I will begin to lose. I will feel peace. Sincere and true peace that can only come from him..

God's impact is simply this: My life no matter the ups and downs, the softer side, the side that has a sharp point are all in his plan for me.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Lately.. Things have been a little more than interesting.. I don't enjoy things when everything seems to be TOO interesting and by that I mean problematic.

The last few days have not been filled with fun. Lots of little things have gone wrong. Admittedly a couple of big things have gone wrong. I guess I should clarify that wrong means not my way. Perhaps they went the way that God planned them to go.

I am feeling a little irritated by the constant stream of not my way. The simple things include stubbing my toe, slamming my finger in the washing machine (don't ask), pulling the chicken out to cook and realizing it is not good, not getting enough sleep, a teething baby, and older kid arguing over every detail of life. The big things, a doctor visit that did not give answers, something we were excited about but could not occur due to finances.

I know in the whole big scheme of things that it is okay. There is a greater plan for my life than I plan for myself. However, sometimes.. just sometimes... it gets a bit too much for me.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Today, well to put it simply, sucked. It did not suck a little bit, it sucked a whole lot. It was one of those days; that if you could, you would go back to bed.

It started out promising enough, well maybe not. My hubby was still home and L had gotten up and instead of going out and visiting with Dad and letting him get her breakfast. She decided to stay in the bedroom, and be loud and mess with V. So guess who she woke up. I was hoping to squeeze in a few more minutes of sleep before Dr.O left, but it was not in L's agenda. She was whiny and so was her sister and the day continued in that vein.

I got up, fed the kids. We all got dressed and went to bible study. We get there and I take the kids to the kids room and V is not having any part of going in there. L was fine but V, to quote my oldest "No, not either".

So I took her into the bible study room. She was all over the place. Happy in my arms one minute, unhappy the next. She wanted down and up and back down again. Then she started crying. I left to nurse her, so I missed part of the video. I came back she seemed better. I decided I would try to take her back to the kids room, Yea, I don't think so was her response. So , we went back to the bible study room. She was all over the room. I felt like I chased her the whole time and disrupted everyone else. It was un-fun.

We drove by the park to check out things for the party, and then came home. I fed the kids lunch, but they were whiny and not being good. When V was being whiny, L decided she should be too. They were playing off each other. Finally, oh my stars was I happy, it was naptime. No, this was not to be. The complex maintenance, decided that this was the time, to get out the rake and the leaf blower. So... awake they were.

This continued all day, the whining and carrying on. The not minding, the not talking nice to me. I finally set down the ground rules and one kid ended up in the corner. Which changed the mode.. However I had waited to long and was exhausted and in a bad mood. Finally the youngest fell asleep, unscheduled nap, because hers had been cut very short.

She woke better, and things were better but I was still on edge. At this point it was the little things that were bothering me. I went to hang something up and the hanger broke. "REALLY?" and then I stubbed my toe, slammed my hand into a drawer, well finger. V spilled juice all over the carpet, and then the best moment. I spilled soda ALL OVER the hat I have been knitting for weeks!! WEEKS.

I had to calm down and go put it in water and rinse it well and wring it out gently and then lay it down to dry. So now I can't work on it. I was finally at the point of nearing the finish.

Hubby rescued me. He took the kids and went and go Taco Bell. I sat here alone and watched a funny show. It helped improve my mood. Then there was V walking in a circle on purpose, and then stopping because she was dizzy, so she could do it again. And L coming over and hugging and kissing me and saying I love you Mommy.

The kids went to bed. I did my bible study review Day 1 and watched a funny show. I have been pondering things about why today was so bad. I think maybe they kids were feeding off of my worry about something I did not even realize I was worried about until I said it to my husband.

So I ask for prayer. I am not prepared at this time to say what it is. Just pray for peace to surround me.

Friday, October 7, 2011

So hubby is on an OP Family Rotation. I have to admit I am enjoying it. The hours he has are wonderful. It is almost like he has a normal 9-5 job. He is still here in the morning when we get up and he gets home before dinner time. Amazing. Is this what is life to have a husband?

I believe he is enjoying this particular rotation not just for the hours though. He likes what he is doing. Though he is still centered on Peds. So...

It is nice to have him home to help with things. It is wonderful for the girls to get so excited to get up because he is still here. My oldest sometimes gets up early to spend time with him. The joy they have in each other, the girls and their Daddy is such a blessing for me to see. I get such an amazing thrill to see how much they each love each other, even little V gets super excited to see Daeey.

I have enjoyed this short break between horrible hours and never seening my honey and of not having to explain to the littles that we can't even call Daddy because he is at work and can't take the call. I have enjoyed having help at night-time and to be able to enjoy time with my honey.

I believe today was the last day of OP Family, next week is IP Family. The week after that new rotation strikes with very likely BAD HOURS. Ahhh we will adjust, we always do with God's help.

I started knitting about 4 months ago. I fell in love with it. It is clearly my craft. I love yarn, it is so wonderful and comes in such amazing colors and the patterns that can be had for knitting. The amazing things you can make with just a string of yarn, it is just so fun.

This year I decided right after I started knitting that I would make everyone's christmas presents, knitted. I have finished one small gift and one main gift. I am half done with another two. I believe I can get them done. Most of what I am doing is fun yet easy.

I asked each person what they wanted and am making them exactly what they asked for including color. I do hope they enjoy my efforts.

So.. I have made a jester hat, and a cross bookmark and am in the process of...

Stocking Cap

Pair of socks

Beanie

Cable Hat

Cable Scarf

Basic Scarf

Lap Blanket

Fingerless Gloves

4 more bookmarks

Leaf Top Beanie

I will clearly be busy trying to get these things done by Christmas. I am actually not to worried. The leaf top hat is for L and V.. So they might get it after Christmas.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

So, in my newest endeavor to be crunchy, and cost effective I have decided to make our bread. I got a bread maker off of craigslist for a steal. I paid less than half price for a brand new bread and jam maker. I am impressed I must admit.

So I bought a box ready mix to try the bread maker out, make sure it works etc. Cracked Wheat .. it was good. Then I went and got the basic ingredients and made.. French Countryside Bread... Kind of bland but definitely good. The bread I really wanted to make was Potato Bread.. I used to make this years, over a decade ago and it was awesome... So last night I made Potato Bread. It was awesome. Soft and moist, 2lb loaf and when you put butter on it.. Oh so good. The perfect bread for sandwiches or to eat just as bread.

I will be making some jam sometime next week and will let you know how that turns out. I did learn there is a thing called Bread Flour which apparently has more gluten in it than regular flour, I compared my bread flour to my regular all purpose flour, they were two different brands yet had the exact ingredients in the same order.. The only difference I found was the Bread flour had 1g more of protein and 1g less of carbohydrates. That was it.. I will try the all purpose in my next batch of potato bread and will sound off on the difference.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

So I am preschooling my oldest right now. We work for about 45 minutes a day, in increments of 15 min blocks. She is doing so great. I print stuff off the internet for us to go over. We spend time on looking at a BIG letter and little letter.. ( A,a) and some time on a number as well as time on other stuff, like drawing lines, recognizing shapes, knowing colors etc. She is doing so good. She knows all of her ABC's, she sometimes has trouble recognizing the little letters but we are getting there. We are learning to count and she is doing awesome. I am so proud of her.

and our little one.. JUST TURNED ONE. Yep little V is one already, I can't believe it. She is growing and learning so much too. She know what so many things are and she understands when she is not supposed to do something. She also knows just how to annoy her older sister. It must come naturally..

They are both growing and learning so very much and I am so proud to be their Momma. They fill my heart with joy and so much love.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

We made the soap. It is awesome. I use it for my laundry and my dishwasher. The dishes come so clean, cleaner than with the tablets I normally buy. I was super impressed. My husband was even more impressed than I was.

Today I think I am gonna make some homemade play dough for my oldest to try. I will share the website I found it on after I try it..

Monday, September 26, 2011

What is a blog , you question. It can be about many things. However, the base of it is this. It is simply about someone. It might their interests, their dreams, it could something they have experienced, things they learned. As I said it can be many things. Where am I going with this, I bet you are wondering. I guess I kind of am too. We will find out together.

So if a blog can be about anything or anyone. I guess mine is about learning. I am learning all kinds of things lately. It is about finding myself. It is about realizing the potential that I have within. My blog has been and continues to be a journey of introspection and acceptance of life. My life.

I know so much more than I did a year ago. A year from now I will know more than I do right now. I have come to find that things I once knew I no longer know. Why, you ask. Simply because they are no longer important to the course of my life. They hold nothing for me. Why would I keep information I no longer need. I am sure that is still there, probably in that locked file cabinet I sometimes lose the key to.

Life is very interesting. It can be very hard. I can also bring great joy and contentment. It has the greatest of experiences to offer. The ride it takes you on is intense. It filled with wonder and pain. It is more than some can take. It is filled with all the best things you can imagine and often with all the worst you can too. However, the ride is meant to for YOU specifically. It is meant for us to learn and grow from each experience it offers us. We are supposed to be stronger at the end of it, than we were at the beginning.

How can something such as life not make you wonder if you are living to the fullest. Does it not make you wonder if you are what you are supposed to be at that precise moment. Is there something about you that could be better, that could be different, that could more. If you answer this with a yes, then life has much to offer to you.

God has given me something I think not everyone has. I wish everyone did. I wish others could know the peace that I find in him. He has given me acceptance to this life. He has given me great joy in my family and the knowledge that where I am right now at this moment is where I am supposed me.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Does anyone know when they find contentment? Does anyone actually find it? Is it possible to be content when your spouse is a medical student who is never home and when he is, he is either sleeping, studying or eating. I don't know the answer to that. I do know I want to find that elusive thing called contentment.

I want to not only be accepting of my life but to love it. I want to be absolutely content and joyful in it. I want to be totally happy and that happiness to spread to my family and friends. I want people to wonder what I have that makes me so very positive.

I want to wake up in the morning always happy and never woeful and downtrodden. I want to feel happy to be cleaning my house and feeding the family. I want every single day to be a day to find joy in.

I am making a choice to find that. I believe it is possible and certainly God can provide it to me. I don't think many people in this crazy cranky world can find it, if any, without God's peace coming from within.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Description: Self care involves doing things that make you happy, whether an instant gratification thing or a long term thing.

I think part of my self care has been lately to realize that some things are more important than what I want. I am part of something bigger than me and that thing is that God is in control of my life. I am beginning to see that when he is in control that something self care comes with just stepping back from trying to control my life and letting him control it for me.

I want to be the best wife and mother I can be. I want my husband to be proud every single day to call me his wife. I want him to look back in 50 years and feel joyful that he chose to marry me. I want my children to grow up to productive happy God loving people. I want them to look back at their Mom and know that I wanted the very best for them and that I always tried to be a good mom. I want them to always know that they are loved and to take that with them wherever life takes them.

I am learning that to do those things, it is self care to step back and let God control me. To let God guide my path so I can achieve those goals. God has given me many talents in which to handle my particular life. One of which is understanding that this is in fact my path. This is where I am supposed to be.

How can accepting where I am and loving where I am and wanting the very best for me and my wonderful family not qualify as self care.

Thank you Holy Father for being my strength and for taking care of me at every single moment in my life.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Today I realized I had to mention to my husband the need to study. I felt like he was only giving school and us, 50%. He was trying to spread himself out between the family he loves and the job he desires. He has worked so hard to get where he is. I don't want to him to spread himself so thin that he is not doing what he needs to do to succeed in his job.

I hated saying it. The reason. Because by saying it, I was telling him he had to drop us down from 50% to somewhere around 25% or less and move school/work up by 25%. I was telling him that he needed to focus on THEM more. THEM being rotations. THEM being the HOSPITAL. The BANE of my existence. I had to tell him to focus on THEM more. Do you have any idea how much that sucks? Well let me just tell you with great sarcasm that is was lovely! It was awesome!!

I want him to succeed. I don't want him to have worked so very hard for this thing and not obtain it because he was torn between us and them. I don't want him to fail to be able to match because he did not spend enough time studying. I know he loves us. My children know they are loved by their Daddy. I know that my husband loves me more than I can imagine. Because of that, I must step back and let THEM have him for a while, granted a LONG while. But, I must.

I am sure I will be here in a few days, or maybe more if I am lucky, ranting about him not being around. However, that is the fact of medical school, residency etc. It is a thing to accept if you are the spouse. I am choosing to accept and to support. I choosing to rally my husband when he needs against my own wants. I am choosing him and his happiness because in the end, he desires this thing called medicine and because he loves me and would choose me over it, I must choose it over me.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

I realized today that I never thought I would get used to medical school and the impact it has on my family. I also realized that I DID get used to it. I am for the most part used to the fact that my husband is never home. I am for the most part used to the fact that it is just me and the kids most of the time. I won't say there are not times when I desperately wish he were home or that I lived close enough to my sister to go there on a day when I need help. However, on the whole I think I am used to way our life is.

I never thought I would adjust to how much I miss my honey when he is gone. The reality is that when it happens so often, you do adjust. You get used to him being gone often. You learn to not miss them as much. You learn to go on with life and adjust when he is around. I never ever thought I would get to this point. I am not going to say it is a great thing to have to get to this point but I will say if your spouse is in medical school, it is a necessary thing.

There are lots of things about this life I never thought I would adjust to, yet I have. Adjusting though is a different thing from liking it. I still don't like that my honey is never around. I don't like having to explain to my almost 3 year old that we can't call Daddy. I don't like that sometimes she goes days without seeing him due to the hospital. I don't like that the hospital pretty much has ownership papers on my husband. However, I can accept that this is my life.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

My sister and I are going to make homemade laundry soap tomorrow. I am excited. If I like it .. it could be a great money saver. I love saving money!! I also love not buying stuff I can make these days. It is so much fun I find...

I am looking for recipes to make homemade soap and shampoo. Those items add up and to make it less crap filled and so cheaper would be awesome .. I must admit.

I am also quite enjoying my new craft of knitting. I love that I can buy a skein of yarn and turn it into something else. It is so wonderful watching the items form under my needles. I am making Christmas presents right now. I am excited. I am making stuff I have never made before but I believe in myself. I can do this. I love the different yarns.. most of my stash is acrylic but I am loving cotton and sock yarn. I can't work a lot with wool since I have a mild allergy to it, but I can work with some wool for short periods of time. I

I will let ya'll know how the homemade soaps and cleaners come out. If this works.. It will be awesome. I did also find a homemade conditioner. Less than a quarter of the price.!!!

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

My oldest L is afraid of cats, even itty bitty teeny tiny cats or as most people call them, kittens. We don't have cats ourselves but my sister does. We visit my sister about once a month to every month and half. She was never afraid until the last visit. She was fine by the end of the visit which was approx 2.5 weeks.

We are back to the same ole.. We have been here about 3 days. She is a mess. She wants to be carried everywhere even if said kitten is no where to be seen. It is frustrating to say the least. I don't know exactly how to deal with it. She is almost 3 and yet falls completely apart at the thought of the kitten even being in the same house with her.

Any ideas would be helpful. Forget though trying to get her to come close to it, to pet it, she doesn't want to talk about it. Nothing.

Monday, August 29, 2011

I started to do things differently because of money. We moved to cloth diapers and cloth wipes to save money. The cost of disposables was killing us and running out of diapers and no money to buy them.. SUCKS.. We loved cloth diapers. I mean truly loved them.

Then we thought, why are we buying paper towels, lets just get microfiber towels at the dollar store,again to save money. Wow, loved that too. It is awesome to use a towel instead of a piece of special paper basically. I know our guests don't quite know what to make of that. My FIL always buys PT because he can't stand that we don't have any.

Yep, then we went even further, what if WE used cloth wipes. What if we did not use toilet paper. The savings would be awesome, but we would be cleaner too. I never thought I would be okay with that, but cloth diapers had changed how I felt about certain things. So we use what is called the 'Family Cloth'. We love it. I made them because they were so much cheaper than buying. More savings.

Then I figured how to save on my monthly stuff, use reusable pads (fuzzibunz) and a menstrual cup (The diva cup) . I never in a million years would have though even 8 months ago I would do this. It is wonderful. So much better than before. I love it. It has made an unbearable time much more doable.

And I have finally figured out how to get rid of the scrubby pads in the kitchen. Knitted Dishcloths. I am so excited. I hate those things. They stink and they don't last long. Now.. I never have to buy them again.

I am constantly looking for ways to be 'crunchy' and to save money. I don't even LIKE using all the disposable stuff I took for granted a year ago. It is so odd to me that I went from being disposable friendly to this so fast. I love it!

The idea that I never will run out of something and not have the money to buy it, is awesome. My next step is homemade laundry and dishwasher detergent. I have the recipe, now to just make it.

It has been a while since I wrote. Our life is always busy. I am learning to go with the flow with rotations. I am learning to embrace call rather than fight it. I will admit I don't like being away from my honey but I learning there are things I can do when I am away and be okay with it. I have learned that I am so much more capable than I ever thought I was.

It seems silly to not know that, yet I did not. I never in a million years would have thought myself capable of taking care of two kids and the house, the shopping etc by myself. I can do a lot without help, not to say I won't accept help but I can do more than I ever imagined without it.

I love being a mommy so much more than I ever even imagined I would, yet it is hard work. The hardest. The constant interaction, the lack of sleep, the fixer of owies, the fighting to referee (starts so much earlier than I thought), the hugs, the kisses, the explanations of what things are, what word goes to this, the questions about things. It is very rewarding but hard I must say. That said, I would not trade it for the world.

Med School takes so much of Daddy's time. Explaining to the oldest that Daddy is at work, all the time sometimes is hard. She wants to call him sometimes and I have to explain that he is at work and we can't talk to him, she does not understand that she can't even call him. She will see him and be able to talk to him when he gets home. However, sometimes that is a day later than when she wanted to see her Daddy. Sometimes I hear L tell our youngest V, that Daddy is at work. It is hard to explain how much I wish for him to be here for her when she wants him, these days of her childhood are passing so fast and will be gone in the blink of an eye. I want him to experience all the wonders that comes with it, but yet he will miss so very much. I try to take pictures but even seeing the picture is not like witnessing the cuteness or the solemn moment that the kids provide.

I wish I could say that I am always okay with how things are for us. I cannot say that. I am trying to be the most understanding I can be, but some days when I don't have enough sleep or the kids are acting out or they are cranky, the days when I am cranky. I cannot say I am okay or understanding. I can only hope on those days that my DH is understanding of me and my mood.

Things are ever changing. So this life that we have right now will change. Med school will end, He will graduate. He will become a Resident. He will become an Attending. The kids will grow. They will talk. They will learn. They will be potty trained. They will go to school. They will grow up.

Monday, August 22, 2011

I have always been crafty. I learned how to crochet when I was little but it only thrilled me for a little while. When I got older I started fabric painting, it held it's flavor for a while too, but it is something that is too complicated with kids and a small place. I took up rubber stamping when I started fabric painting. I made all kinds of things.

Then I took up scrap booking. Now that I love to do. It thrills me to no end when I do it. I get such joy out of it. However, yep.. to complicated with smalls around. It is hard to scrapbook without making a mess and lots of little goodies to take out that must be guarded from small hands...

And so... after the girls were born I went back to crochet. It is easy to pick up and lay down. However it never brought that thrill to me. I never had the desire to learn more stitches so I could make more intricate stuff.

Knitting is different. I love learning all the stuff I can do with it. I love reading about and seeing other peoples projects. I have learned how to do both knit and purl easily. I am learning how to do cable stitches right now as well as how to knit in the round. I am still having some issues with ladders between my knit and purl stitches but with time that will go away I am sure.

So.. I am very much enjoying knitting. Here is a pic of one of my current projects. For some reason it has turned the pic sideways and I can't figure out how to fix it.. Sorry..

Saturday, July 30, 2011

I have to say that I am learning to be comfortable with my life, just as it is. I can't say I am a huge fan of medical school, and I can't say that I like being constantly broke. There are a lot of things that I can't say. I am not at all sure I care for the days that the littles fight constantly. I can't say I like it when I struggle with my moods either.

I can say a lot of other things though. I can say that I absolutely love my husband and my children are like wearing my heart outside my body (got that from you Shawna). I can say that though money is the tightest it has ever been for me, I am very happy right now. I can say that each new word from both girls makes me smile, that watching V toddle around brings joy to my heart, or that hearing L run around and giggle makes me smile in happiness.

Life has a way of happening someone once said. You can enjoy the ride or try to get off. The problem with getting off, is that it is danged dangerous and you might not like where you are. I may not have absolutely chosen to be a med spouse, or to be this broke. I am glad it is my life though. I am learning lessons each day. I am learning to appreciate what I have rather than what I don't. I am learning to like what I have rather than wishing for something I don't have. Each day I am learning to just accept my life.

This is a time in my life where God is carrying me rather than just holding my hand. He is holding me tight and bringing me through the tough spots with my sanity intact. He is teaching me that he can handle it all if I just give it to him. Why do I need worry about something when he can take care of it all and since he always has before why worry now.

My gratitude goes to God for teaching me to accept and give it all to him. Let him worry about everything and for me to just enjoy the life and time he has given me.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

I finally learned the purl stitch. When I first tried to, right after I learned the knit stitch, it seems so complicated but tonight when I watched the video and tried it.. It seemed so easy. So I started a stockinette stitch scarf, likely will get pulled out due to errors, but I am learned the purl still. I want to work on the scarf until the purl stitch becomes as easy to me as the knit stitch is.

I began working on a baby blanket that at this stage I intend to use only the knit stitch for all the way through and I am using circular needles for the first time. I will update you on how that goes.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

I have found a new something to love. Knitting. I have taught myself how to. It is still very basic but I am doing it. I can't wait until I can make stuff like hats, socks, sweater etc. I like my hobbies to be useful to my family. I love sewing too, but for some reason the sewing machine can annoy me fast.. Is that weird...Anyhoo

I have learned how to make swatches, and how to make a scarf.. My first project was a scarf, though I did pull it out since it was so jacked up it was hard to follow once I got better... So.. Right now I am learning how to work with circular needles making a baby blanket.. Wish me luck!!

Saturday, July 2, 2011

It has been a while since I wrote. Things got insane here. Overwhelming is more the word. Too overwhelming. Money is still very tight, but we have hopes that money will be coming in soon. We have been waiting to find out if hubby would pass the test and if we would continue our life as we know or if change was in the air.

Life has also been tough just in general, my brother was sick. I have been in a funk. A long standing can't pull out of funk. I don't know how it go so tough. How did I get into a funk where nothing an no one could pull me out of it. I don't like that. I tried my best to pull myself up by the bootstraps but to no avail. I would just sink back down in the mire. I was just in a funk. I won't say I was depressed because that is not the right word. Just scared I think.

So the results are in... Honey Passed.. We will continue our life as we know it. The relief in this house is palpable. We are almost euphoric. I am so happy and so proud of my dear honey. I knew he could do it, yet was afraid to hope. Does that make sense. I decided sometime in the last couple of weeks before getting the results to stop being negative and just believe as I usually do. Believe in him.

So... he is off to a new rotation and is feeling positive about himself. I am so glad. I love that man so very much and it has been hard to see how all this has affected him.

For all those that have prayed. Thank you so very much.. and in writing.. Thank you Holy Father for making this happen.

Monday, May 30, 2011

I have not been posting a lot lately. I must admit I have been in a of a funk. Things have been tough here lately. In a lot of ways. I have been trying pretty hard not to let things get to me, but I have not been fully successful. I wish I could say things have been easier for once, but that is just not so.. Tougher than before I think maybe.

I have had moments of even struggling with my faith. I have not had those kinds of problems in a very long time. I feel ashamed of those moments to be frank. I have always had a sturdy belief that everything is for a reason, that everything is part of the plan. I still do. I just lately have had some struggle with how difficult the plan seems to be for our family.

We are again in wait mode. I don't like wait mode. I sometimes feel afraid of what the end of the waiting will bring so I am okay with waiting. I am sure that everything will happen for the best of our family. I just have to stay strong in the face of the current difficulties.

My oldest brother had brain surgery for the 3rd time, it took a long time for it happen due to a bunch of insurance drama. Basically the insurance companies argued amongst themselves about who would pay while my dear brother just suffered. It was so ... frustrating. It was hard not to be very angry. He is doing great thankfully, he is already home and he just had the surgery on Saturday. He seems to be doing so great. There was a great sigh of relief in my family. A communal one you could say.

Keep all of us in your prayers for those that pray. There is still a lot going on. A very tough moment potentially headed our way.
This is me, hanging in there...

I have found some changes happening within our house. I have been finding that in lieu of the money issues our household have found ourselves in To this end, we have decided to start using cloth diapers, cloth wipes, cloth kleenex, and even the family cloth. If you would have asked me even a year ago if I would have done this I would have said no, without hesitation.
However, I have found that I am becoming more and more crunchy as my sister calls it over time. I am very much liking it too. I have even taken my sewing machine out and starting sewing stuff for us. I do quite enjoy that.

We don't use paper towels anymore, we have been using micro fiber towels but I have found a pattern to make what are called un-paper towels made out of birds-eye cotton which I am going to try. I will keep ya'll updated.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Is change in the wind? I think it is. Dr. O takes the test in two weeks, and we will either go forward with this life or stop and change the direction of our life. Either way it is change of what exists right now and has for several months. Thank goodness.
There is change coming. Am I ready for it? I am not sure. I want to say yes, of course. However, the reality is change is hard. Good, bad or indifferent, all change is hard usually. At least it is for me. I am excited that the existence we have right now is going to move, rather this staying in this place I am not so very fond of. I am however scared of what they may mean, I might want this stage back. Who knows.

All I can really do is pray for the strength for whatever is headed our way. Please pray with me.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

I realize that the kids are growing in leaps and bounds. This sweet period of time will be over in a blink of an eye. I love watching them learn and grow. It is fun. It so wonderful to hear L say a new word and me to tell her how smart she is, and the big grin she shines my way. It is wonderful to look over at V and see her sitting up all on her own, no help. I say the same thing to her, and L says.. V and gives her a kiss.. It the most amazing journey I could ever be on.

I love being a Mommy. I can't explain it to anyone who is not a parent. The feeling you have when your child does something new. It is super fun when they do something and get excited about it. I have a sneaking feeling this feeling will continue. I love the little hugs from my 2 year old, and nursing the 6 month old.

I have to admit that being a parent is changing me. I feel like I am growing as a person. I see the world through different eyes. I see problems with different solutions that I did even a few years ago. It makes me want to be a better person. I want to the kind of person they will look up to. I want to achieve them for them, to be better for them. I want to learn more things so I can teach it to them. It is making me want to be more, for them.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Those that read my blog know that I believe in God with all my heart, with everything that I am. I believe that I am where I am supposed to be. I do. I believe that everything I go through even if I made the decision to get me that God will get me through it and use it for his good.
This medical life is just hard sometimes. Hard. Harder than I even began to understand when I married my husband. I love him dearly and would not undo a step of anything that I have ever done. Sometimes though medical school catches the brunt of my anger. I guess at this moment I don't feel anger, maybe I even feel peace.
I am not sure what I feel other than an intense longing for the man I love. I miss him terribly. I don't Need him to help me take care of things, I mostly can handle that on my own. I want him.

I guess that is the defination of love. When you don't need that person to fulfill you, but you want them with all you are. When they are not around, missing them is a physical ache.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

I realizing that as tough as life is, I am lucky. I have an amazing husband who loves me. I have the two most adorable daughters ( no offense to those who have daughters) EVER. I adore them. I love being being a mommy. This life is hard, that is for certain. I don't understand most of the time. I do realize though, that I am ahead of lots of other people in that I am trying to find the positive in my life rather than focusing on the bad.

The bananas are what V is eating right now. Wow, I have a a crawling food eating kid. I can't believe she is 5 months already. She is not a rice cereal fan, so off to Bananas we went.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Do you ever wonder if something is too hard for you? You are just not that certain you can do it? You are not 100% sure that it is something that can handle.

I want to believe that I can handle my current circumstances.. I really do.. However, I am not sure that I can. They might be beyond my capabilities. I believe I am stronger than I have ever been as a person, as a wife, mother, child of God. I believe I can do anything through God. I believe that if I let God lead me that I can do it all, whatever he calls me to do. Can I do this? I don't know

My question is this? How do I know that God is calling me to do this and it is not my own design? If it is my own design will I fail because it is my own? Will God step forth and rescue me from myself if I need it?

So, as you can tell I am lost in my own world. It is a like the imagination of your mind and you are child trying to escape your own design but do not know how.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

At this moment, I feel like I am drowning. I am certainly drowning in my lack of understanding of the situation. I don't understand the plan. I don't know where we are going and I don't know where we are going to end up. I don't like this floating along on a piece of broken driftwood and not knowing how long it is going to keep me and my family afloat.

I am not certain of anything anymore. I am confused by life. I am feeling overwhelmed by it all. I do feel like I am on the losing end of it sometimes. I am oddly just as certain that this is where I am supposed to be. Is that odd? Does that make me odd?

I am scared I will honestly admit that. I don't know what direction we will go. I see the fork; but feel like I have no choice in which path we take. I don't want a choice to be frank. I want God to make that choice. It is to scary to make on my own. God alone knows where he wants me to go and how I will get there. I just need to trust him to take me there.

I feel like that footprints poem.

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.

This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,

“You promised me Lord,that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”

The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”

Mary Stevenson, 1936

I am choosing to believe and I am choosing to be positive!! I am choosing God!!.....

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

My husband is on his last few days of his general surgery rotation. I so far have hated it. He is almost always at the hospital and when he is home, he is either eating or sleeping. I miss him. I know that what we are experiencing now is just a small taste of what residency will be like. I am so not looking for to that year.

My oldest daughter has taken to asking for Daddy especially during her night time routine. She loves him to read to her. She misses him so, she will ask for him throughout the day. She has even brought me the phone and said Daddy. The kid of capable of calling him, so I am sure at some point in the near future she will just call him. I tell her he is at work, but him being gone for a day and a half I don't think she understands.

It is hard for me to explain to a 2 year when I have a hard time explaining it to myself. It is hard making it okay for my little adorable daughter, when I am having a hard time making it okay for ME. I miss him too! I have even gotten to the point where I enjoy the sound of the man's snoring. I NEVER thought I would say that. But here I am saying just that.

I hate being alone in this house without him at night. I realize just how secure he makes me feel. I feel protected without even realizing it. I know I am safe whenever he is around. I miss him kissing me and telling me he loves me as he walks out the door. I miss hearing his voice.

I know that it is probably making it harder for my girl to understand it when I am having such a tough time with it myself. I am trying to understand it and be as supportive as I can during it, however I am having a hard time. I hate this rotation and how often the hospital gets him and how often I don't.

I am sure with time you get used to this. In some ways I sincerely hope so, but on the other hand if you gets used to it, how does that affect your relationship. How does it affect the little ones who get used to Daddy being gone for days on end. I know they must adjust, as must I. I just worry in the long run how it affects US.

I should be in bed right now, but I realized that my DH will be up in a few minutes and I am not going to go to bed so I can see him before he leaves for 36 hours. If I am lucky I might hear from him before midnight tomorrow night.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

My husband is on call for the second time in 3 days. I hate it, throughly and completely, without reservation. Simply put, it sucks. I am used to talking to him even if briefly everyday, yea not so much with call and I will be honest I don't like it. AT ALL.

This not seeing or AND not hearing so much as a peep is not working for me . I believe I have come a long way in accepting this way of life, however not far enough apparently to handle call with a happy or even slightly calm heart.
I did quite well all day. I waited to hear from him. Nothing. I waited to hear from him some more. Still a big fat nothing. So I texted.. nothing... hours went by ....nothing.... finally got something... almost 24 hours into call... hmpt... I hate call.
So, I am laying here awake when I should be sleeping... contemplating how much I hate it.. I know this is a big fat negative post.. but it is exactly how I feel right now...

Saturday, January 1, 2011

2011 is here!! For many of us, each January 1st brings new ideas, new hopes, new dreams, new goals. If we had a bad year, we hope the new one will be better, if we had a good year, we hope the new one will be even better. I am no different. As midnight approached I began to consider what I wanted be different this year. I decided on a few things, some I will share now .. some I won't.

I have decided to go back to school. I will make a decision and follow through by September. I have an idea as to what I want to do, I just need to firm it up. I will need to decide where to go, how to handle it with two kids, and what the exact degree I want.

I am also going to try to pamper myself more this year than I did last year. I have some mini goals but we will see how I can firm that up into some tangible.

I hope to make some other more substancle changes this year, however I don't want to go into them right at this moment.

This new year was marked by my children sleeping, one in her bed, one in her swing, my husband on a 36 hour call and me sitting at the computer playing a computer game and chatting with my sister. It was not bad on the whole, though I would wish my honey was here with me. I did talk to him 11 minutes before.

When I started this blog in June. I felt overwhelmed by the life I was in, hence the title. I don't feel as overwhelmed anymore. I am learning to be a more accepting person and to completely rely on God to get me through the tough spots.