Burning Attack: Lack of Love

Around Valentine’s Day, many gamers have the dilemma of trying to find something to do. They’re surrounded by red and pink hearts, and chocolates and floral bouquets remain linger for days afterwards at friends’ homes and coworkers’ desks. What to do? Turn to video games of course! But wait! There are many games out there that actually have tons of love. On any day in proximity to Valentine’s Day, you DON’T want to play a game that features happy relationships or an ending where characters get together. This stuff is bad and should be avoided at all costs. I’ll do my best to break down and describe games that are okay to play around Valentine’s Day, and games that aren’t.

The first game that comes to mind that you should play during the holiday of love is Resident Evil 4. Why, you ask? Because Leon doesn’t mess with relationships or go crazy when he is separated from Ada, like when Chris loses Jill. Since RE2, we’ve noticed that there is something about Ada that attracts Leon to her. When Ashley asks about it in 4, Leon says that Ada’s a part of his past that he can’t forget. Despite this, Leon is still fully capable of annihilating an entire religious cult and saving the president’s daughter. And you can, too. Don’t whine and say, “Leon should be with Ada.” What you should think instead is that Leon is too badass for Ada, and that he is too cool to settle down, like the cowboys in the old westerns. Further reinforcing Leon’s mindset: when Ashley asks him if he wants to do some “overtime” when he gets back home, he tells her no. If you are having trouble around Valentine’s Day, be like Leon.

Another great game you should play is any game involving Mario and Peach. Why? Because no matter what Mario does for her, all he gets is a cake. Never a nice dinner or time alone, just cake. How do you think Mario feels? I bet he doesn’t feel too good at all about how things are going with Peach. Not only that, but Peach even sends Bowser cake, too! Maybe he should forget her and focus more on Daisy. Of course, Mario still helps Peach because he’s her friend, not because they are in a relationship. Mario, like Leon, is just too awesome to have a girlfriend, I guess. After all, would Mario rather live inside a giant castle for the rest of his days, or go planet hopping with Yoshi across the universe? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Mario always has another adventure to go on, and maybe it’s not Peach who’s holding things up. Maybe Mario just doesn’t want to be in a relationship or be married. When you look at what Mario does, it’s easy to see why. Plus, if Mario really liked Peach, why would he be saving Daisy and Pauline at the same time?

Go ahead and add The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess to your February games list. Link is just like Mario and Leon, in that he’d rather go on a huge adventure than have a girlfriend. Link doesn’t care whether it’s Zelda, Midna, or Ilia. When Link is done beating Ganondorf for the umpteenth time, he’s going to leave and start another adventure, just like Leon did at the end of RE4. If you don’t have a horse and a sword, pop in TP and enjoy an epic adventure all by yourself instead of mooning over the roses and chocolates you didn’t get. Think about what Link would do: would he stay in Hyrule Castle, or would he go to Termina? I think we already know the answer to that question.

Any of the Metroid Prime games would be a fantastic choice, and notice that I didn’t say Metroid: Other M. You see, Samus is a silent bounty hunter that is perfectly fine with going to alien worlds BY HERSELF and exterminating them of all alien life. That is the kind of mindset that you should have too. Sadly, we lack the technology to make a journey to other planets in a reasonable amount of time; killing all the aliens on Tallon IV will have to do.

Okay, now for some games that you shouldn’t play, under any circumstances, around Valentine’s Day: Nothing that begins with “Kingdom Hearts.” The Kingdom Hearts games are all about reflection, emotion, friendship and so on. That is bad. You don’t need all that stuff on Valentine’s Day. It will only make you feel worse. Remember, Roxas emptying his heart is bad. Leon blasting the heart of a Ganado is good. Don’t play any games that involve friendship or emotion at all, most notably anything Kingdom Hearts.

Next on the “Do not play” list are all of the Nintendogs games. Let’s face it, it doesn’t matter which version you have, just avoid all of them. I’m not going to lie, I own a Nintendogs game, and many of you out there probably do too. But Nintendogs is a cute game that would be best played with your girlfriend. She’d love the dogs jumping up on the screen, and scratching their backs etc. This is bad and will only make you weak. I’m not saying that Nintendogs is bad, because it isn’t, on any other day. When I talked about the Kingdom Hearts games, I said don’t play anything with emotion, and Nintendogs is definitely full of it. If you are still attached to your Nintendog, give him or her a break, and focus on other, less loving activities.

Do not play Fragile Dreams: Farewell Ruins of the Moon. Unfortunately, I have yet to play this title, but you can bet that I won’t be playing it anywhere near Valentine’s Day. If you were the only person left in the world and had no one to talk to, it would be a great game to play. However, you have a companion that stays with you throughout your adventure, and that’s the mistake. I’ve heard that FRotM is supposed to be one of the most emotional games available on Wii, and that is what earns it a big red X across the cover on Valentine’s Day. If you want to feel like crying, do it on some other day.

Once you saw the Metroid Prime series on the “play list,” you had to have known that Metroid: Other M was going to be on the “do not play” list. Again, Samus was a silent killer. Here she is an insecure girl that apparently had feelings for a baby metroid that she rescued. Feelings=bad, so do not play this game near Valentine’s Day. As if the baby Metroid weren’t bad enough, there is a man in the game that Samus will not cross, and she acts as his puppet. That is absolutely horrible and we shall have none of it!

This isn’t to suggest that there aren’t other games out there that you should or shouldn’t play, as there certainly are. This was more of a guide to help you make the right choices about the games that you spend your time on. If there are still some games that you would like to play, and you don’t know whether they would be good or not, mention them in the comments, and I will do my best to make sure that you play the right games for this holiday of love.