Woman is getting increasingly frustrated and shows up even if friends tell her they’re out

Dear Amy: A group of three girls and myself have been close friends since junior high.

As we attended different colleges in different nearby cities, the four of us did not have as much time to spend together. Everyone understood this was normal, except for “Jenny.” She grew increasingly frustrated that we were not responsive enough and often critical about how we conducted the friendship.

She would plan ridiculously complicated outings or events and then complain that whatever we ended up doing wasn’t good enough.

Jenny will ask if we’re home and then just show up, even when we tell her we are out/at school/sick/or have a family dinner that’s been planned for weeks. Then she’ll be angry that we didn’t make time for her.

If we bring this up with her, she calls us bad friends.

We all walk on eggshells with Jenny when she’s like this to avoid fights.

We’d like to have some sort of intervention, but how can we approach her in a way that doesn’t seem threatening or critical?

We are all easy-going people. Where do boundaries start and how can we stick to them without alienating Jenny?

— Upset Friend

Dear Upset: You start building a healthy boundary brick by brick, and you do this by reacting proportionally — not walking on eggshells — when someone bullies or manipulates you.

Some of the behavior you describe sounds outside the norm. Showing up at your house when you’ve said you’re otherwise engaged and then blaming you for not being available is irrational.

Before resorting to a group intervention, you should start by responding naturally to any given situation. Resolve to take back some of your power by staying calm and always reacting honestly.

If your friend’s behavior grows more pronounced, it would be appropriate for your group to tell her, “We’re worried about you. You seem very unhappy and angry.” Urge her to see a counselor. Offer to do some research to help her find one, if she will let you.