Ennis: “Queen groped my boobs”

by philapilus

“Before I knew what was happening she’d raised her hands like this, and then…’Honk Honk!'” wept the Olympian.

The London 2012 heptathlon champion, Jessica Ennis, made shocking accusations against the Queen this morning, when she alleged that the monarch grasped her breasts whilst awarding her the CBE yesterday.

A tearful Ennis described the deep psychological trauma she suffered, when the Queen of the United Kingdom and other Commonwealth Realms felt her up and made disgustingly lecherous comments.

“At first I thought she was just having trouble pinning the medal onto my lapel,” said the olympic gold medallist, “but then she put a hand under each of them and squeezed, whilst making ‘honk honk’ noises.

“She jiggled them a bit, told me they were small but not bad, and asked how I would like it if the Duke of Edinburgh copped a feel as well.”

Ennis alleges she was so distressed she was unable to answer, and began crying, at which point Elizabeth II told her to “Stop being such a silly girl, and don’t tell anyone about this, or you will get into a lot of trouble. Know what I mean?”

Buckingham Palace has strongly denied the allegations, and insists that Ennis is delusional, but refused to supply CCTV footage of the award ceremony, citing electrical faults that had rendered palace cameras suspiciously inoperable yesterday.

The champion women’s boxer said “Yep, I saw the whole thing. She was merrily fondling poor Jess’s jugs like she was David Dickinson in an antique ceramics shop.

“When she gave me the MBE she went to grope mine as well, but I said ‘Do it and I’ll f***ing break your face’, so she just gave me the medal and walked off.”

A spokesman for the Queen said “I can confirm that we totally and utterly refute these allegations. The Royal Family is not in the habit of going around groping young women. They are paragons of virtue and moral rectitude. I mean, just look at the shining examples of Princes Philip, Andrew and Harry! See?”