9 Ways to Make Sex Fun Again

How to avoid the dreaded #DeadBedroom.

Most of us swear we'll do our part to avoid the dreaded bed death—and we mean it. But often it seems like everything else in our lives is working counter to that. Our jobs keep us busy or stressed (or both), our toddlers are exceptionally good at cockblocking, and sometimes it really is more important to catch up on what's happening in Westeros than worry about reclaiming the throne in the bedroom.

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If you're looking to make sex a little more fun (or just a little more regular!) here are 9 tips for turning up the heat:

1. Go ahead and break out that calendar. I know, I know, there's almost nothing as unsexy as scheduling sex. Except for one thing: not having it. So even if blocking off Sunday night feels like it's relegating your hook up to the same status as your laundry, sometimes it's exactly what you need to reconnect. And after a month of being more intentional about intimacy, it's amazing to see how much more often those spontaneous quickies seem to be happen.

2. Go away. This doesn't mean on a lavish resort vacation or to a pricey restaurant (though if that fits your budget, more power to you). But do go somewhere, because a change in scenery is a great way to get in the mood. Trade the in-laws landscaping for an overnight with your preschooler and check in to a local B&B, or hire a babysitter for three hours and skip the movie. Just remember to stay smart about where you do the deed, because you never know when a maniac state attorney with a vendetta against having any fun might make an example out of you.

3. Tweak your style. Eva Mendes is super fab, but her advice about the perils of wearing sweatpants is total b.s. I've had sweats or yoga pants tugged hungrily off my body enough times to be very certain that someone can find you sexually attractive no matter how many days it's been since you've showered (an envelope I am ALWAYS pushing). That being said, I am inclined to seek out sex with my husband if I'm dressed up for the evening. (Hey -- hair and makeup is a time/labor investment, and if I've already gone through the trouble, I'd really like to maximize that effort in every way possible.) So whether it's slipping out of or even into something a little more comfortable, change it up every now and again to help keep things fresh.

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4. Tweak your, ahem, other style. No need to jump the shark, but boning up (gotcha!) on a few new techniques can help reawaken things too. I'm not shy about touching myself in front of my husband, but the first time I did this while also giving him some, ah, attention, I wasn't expecting to hear him whisper in breathy surprise that it was so hot to watch.

5. Do you. While you're scheduling sex, go ahead and block off some you-time. Whether it's building in the minutes for an evening run, locking the bathroom door for a half hour to soak in the tub in peace, or putting time toward a passion project, self-care is an important part of feeling relaxed, sexy, and in the right head space for being turned on.

6. Do something together. Intimacy begets intimacy, so schedule time together outside of the bedroom too. Bonus points if you can create an opportunity to view each other in a different light. Start a new routine like a post-dinner walk at sundown, take on a joint project like a backyard garden, or find a social event—like a lecture series or a club sport—to start doing together.

7. Do something separately too. File this one under self-care: pursue a new hobby or event on your own. Autonomy is important—it takes the pressure off each partner and gives us a chance to miss and be missed. When my husband texts that he's going to play ball with friends after work, I find myself almost immediately fantasizing about joining him in the shower once he gets home.

8. Talk about it. Every session doesn't have to end with SportsCenter-level analysis, otherwise we'd rightly boycott pillow talk forever. But cuddling while we catch our breath during that post-O glow is a perfect time to share our biggest turn-ons, suggest a new fantasy, or talk about what really got us going. Plus, sometimes all that talk might put you right back in the mood.

9. Forget about the end result, at least for awhile. If it's been longer between romps than both my husband and I would prefer (like, sometimes weeks! How does that even happen?!), the pressure to make sure we both get off is the one thing that can make sex feel most like a chore. Climaxing has (fortunately, I realize) never been super difficult for me, but that doesn't mean navigating to that point can't feel draining for each of us if that's all we're focusing on. When we're giving ourselves over to feeling good and enjoying the present moment is also when we're the most in sync—and the most likely to get there together.

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