Sunday, December 19, 2010

Today

Why is it when I have nothing to write about in my life I am really good at journaling, then when things worth writing down are actually happening I am an epic failure? I maintain it is because rather than writing I am out doing. Yet the number of hours I've racked up at home this week would suggest otherwise.

The honest truth is I am in The Good Place. I talk a lot about "taking it to The Bad Place" or "I went straight to The Bad Place" or "I'm in a Bad Place." But I don't talk enough about being in The Good Place. But I'm here. It feels kind of like jinxing my happiness. If I actually admit I'm in The Good Place the world will tug the rose colored carpet out from under my feet, tossing me into a black sky, leaving me broken again.

Today I want to trust The Good Place.

I want to believe it can last, that I can be here, and that I deserve to be happy. Sometimes, and I can't speak for men because I'm not one, I think women don't allow themselves to believe they deserve anything. Including happiness. We are so concerned with making sure everyone around us is happy that we forget ourselves.

Today I am happy.

Some may say it's all because of Adam. It would be unfair and untrue if I did not admit that I am happier than I ever thought I could be because of him. But it isn't all because of him. A friend (thanks again, Rata!) put it this way, "He is the other half of you that you never knew was missing."She's right.He is. That said, I had to be a complete me before the other half could fit. He showed me, even though I didn't think it was, the wound--that emptiness, that sadness, that ache--was healed. I was healed. And I was whole.

Today I am whole.

Because I am whole there is a new half to me who makes me smile all the time, who helps me find the silver lining when I want to be angry, and who teaches me how to be a better version of myself. He is more than I could hope to dream for, and better than anyone I could ever deserve.