Fire in the Mind

There’s a dragon with matches loose on the town
Take a whole pail of water just to cool him down

Kim Kardashian swears that she is not the naked woman cooking eggs in a photo currently circulating around the internet.

OMG wrong blog. This is Planet Waves.

The Moon is in Virgo, as of this writing making many aspects: an opposition to Neptune, and by 4:26 am EDT, an unusually powerful conjunction to Mars. That emphasis comes from the current position of Mars, which is square the lunar nodes to a tiny fraction of a degree. The nodes are about direction, in the biggest sense of the word; anything square the nodes indicates either a conscious change in direction or something that alters one’s course.

Moon conjunct Mars at 4:26 am EDT. Note the precision in the alignment between Mars and the lunar nodes -- just 1/15tth of a degree. Mars is still slow and powerful in Virgo after coming out of its recent retrograde.

A bit later in the morning, the Moon will oppose Chiron, which is a visceral reminder to balance your mind and your emotions. Start by giving both their voice, and then look for the points of equilibrium. There is a kind of mutual reception here — the Moon resonates with Pisces and Chiron with Virgo, so a real exchange is possible. If you find yourself in what feels like a no-win situation or a endless mental/emotional loop, find a way out. Perhaps easier said than done, but certainly possible. Be aware of what you’re feeling before it overwhelms you, and while you still feel you have the freedom of choice.

The Moon’s conjunction to Mars (square the nodes) gives the setup momentum and emotional resonance. Few astrologers would describe the Moon conjunct Mars in Virgo as a happy aspect — except for one thing: it works because of its precision. Mars, still slow and powerful after its recent retrograde, is aligned to the lunar nodes to 1/15th of a degree: that’s close enough for Virgo, measurable only with fine calipers (or an astrology chart).

This is an aspect of fire in the mind, though it’s deep in the mind and the Moon’s presence is acting like a lens for that heat and mental prowess. This is a good day to make decisions.

Meanwhile, another fiery influence has entered an Earth sign: Vesta, goddess of the sacred hearth, is now in Taurus, joining the Sun and other points as well. Vesta represents the core creative flame that burns inside a human soul, which adds another source of heat to what is already a hot sky. As I mentioned yesterday, part of that heat is coming from the Moon approaching a Full Moon that splits the distance between the equinox and the solstice exactly, which activates the Aries Point.

To this arrangement, Vesta adds the factor of devotion and of commitment. There’s a reminder to hold space open for what you want to happen, and to protect that space with as much positive energy as you can (rather than defensive, if you can arrange it). Vesta is a reminder to be clear in your purpose and your direction. It’s a reminder to tend your flame carefully. Choose the fuel you want to burn and guide the development of your creative and erotic fire as gently as you can with the minimum exertion of control necessary.

Vesta is about defining space and choosing what happens in that space; or making a choice and then creating the space. That is a good formula to keep in mind as we approach the alchemical Full Moon. Or maybe… she’s all about cooking eggs naked.
This is the season of Beltane but it’s also the season of Mayday. Today is May 1st, which is an international celebration of worker’s rights, and many places around the world, a day of protest called by the Occupy movement. If you happen to be at an action, please send in some photos.

About Eric Francis

Planet Waves began in 1998 as the home of the Eric Francis horoscope, a prominent feature in our premium service. Going far beyond what most Sun-sign astrologers even dream is possible, Eric brings in-depth interpretations to his work. He is a pioneer in the newly-discovered planets, including Chiron and the centaurs, and is able to translate their movements into accessible human terms, offering ideas for life, love and work. Discover a whole new world of literary journalism in Planet Waves.
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HS – Thank you for your reply. Your insight and dialog for introspection is gifted. Are you a therapist? If not, may want to consider…

As you commented – “I def think as we get older, as a way to simply incorporate ourselves into daily life as adults, we change that pristine quality of desire – or perhaps its sublimated rather, as you describe.” Interesting to consider, but I actually view it as ‘reclaiming’ that pristine feeling the inner knowing of acceptance and desire. Which is spirit, connectedness, God for me. Whether it is just a feeling, a desire to be admired, or perhaps our spirits are just that much more in tune at a younger age (YES) and the world around us deflates this experience (OF COURSE). I neglected to completely describe in my reply, as the memory and feeling of the experience actually became more visual for me as I dozed off last night, that the sense and feeling of being watched over was actually so much so of a recognition and admiration to /of my beauty. So much so, I was almost posing for him. I know this sounds strange….

…yet to your next comment “I also think we can generate notions that there are people around us, because our psyches so badly need that balance – so we project that. Could, have in my case def. been fitting given my upbringing of never feeling acknowledged, looked at, appreciated by my father, as so many girls feel. Of course I have grown and built up my own considerable confidence through personal transformative introspection and personal growth over the years. I have learned to fully understand and not take on the responsibility for him and his issues, or for any person’s for that matter. But in between, as with everyone, there have surely been difficult times and developmental relationships devoted towards understanding this necessary growth. “The dark ages”, as I like to call them. If I can say one thing to Men, Father’s who have girls…if you give them one thing, please give them your attention, appreciation, and positive encouragement in and of their life’s. A girl’s confidence in life is critical to her emotional well being and is so impressionable from a young age. But obviously, fundamentally important from Father’s to boys as well.

Anyway the clue you speak about in this experience – is I guess, it worked for me! As I mentioned in my last post, be it a feeling of God, Spirit, (I don’t really believe in one soul mate) the feeling, and my body’s response to the experience opened my own deeper dialogue, as you so concisely point out, which was the importance and need for understanding the feeling of being comforted, admired and loved. Who, or however the connection was brought about is not the point but that it pointed to healing in the moment and this is a blessing.

Look what you have recollected for me this week and given today…this is truly a gift. Thank you.

P. Sophia, thank you for those thoughts. It’s interesting, our psychology at that age. Perhaps I was so full of hormones that I was extra sensitive to my desires. Being rather free of life baggage gives a higher clarity in this area. I def think as we get older, as a way to simply incorporate ourselves into daily life as adults, we change that pristine quality of desire – or perhaps its sublimated rather, as you describe. I also think we can generate notions that there are people around us, because our psyches so badly need that balance – so we project that. But its a hard call to make. And maybe we don’t even need to make that call. Your male presence is a valid experience of comfort that was/is important. There is also a clue, I feel, in the body’s reaction that can open up a deeper dialogue about what the connection is pointing to. It’s a good topic!

HS thank you for sharing the beautiful poem. I am a water dragon, and your words so true. And was read day earlier blog and I too remined by what you recalled, at a young age, late teens had such great feelings of separation from something undefined but so deep. I later came to believe this feeling of loss was to God, a separation of spirit. But i also hold the thought if there is another half if there are soul mates I hope he is out there somewhere reaching for me, or at least his spirit sending positive light is a very beautiful thought. When I was younger and up until/during this period late teens I had very strong feeling that I was being watched over by a man. I felt him in my room, across the room usually before I feel asleep. It was not so much sexual, but sensual and also genuinely comforting to me. I had not remembered this experience until i read your reflection in your post two days ago.

God, our true Spirit, or w/out our Soul mate either one, or all i believe would surely make us humans feel a loss, or separation in this life. But I have noticed the feeling has changed for me, the feeling is frequently connectedness and of one. How about you?

“I think I have understood the ‘secret’ of Virgo sign.
Virgo tends to be in her mind, because she is partially disconnected from all the primal energies: screaming, wild sex, screaming, anger, etc. She doesn’t like them so much, hence the name ‘virgin’.
She likes nature and is at home in it, provided it’s not too extreme.”

I would disagree; Virgo is mental yes but definitely not disconnected to the primal energies. She is esrth personified but earth which heals and thinks in practical terms. Earthy and sensual but within the confines of rational being. She pretends not to like the screaming but in reality; she is screaming within and awaiting the freedom to voice that scream. She understands the screams of others and seeks to heal them. Just my experience of Virgo as rising.

paola – Very insightful. There is that reservation about Virgo isn’t there? Will remember this for future transits. So, in this case, the key to understanding Pisces would provide Virgo (ie. Mars) it’s power? Many thanks!

I love being over 60. I had young people at work tell me I smelled like their grandma and “I love smelling you, you smell just like my grandma, what is that wonderful scent? I hope you aren’t offended.” Gosh why would I be offended by a 32 year old girl being reminded of the person she loved most in the whole world?

The other life is also alive and well, 21 years after menopause. At age 40, my doctor wanted to know what stress was in my life to cause my hormones to drop. I think stress is the biggest killer, much more so than the environment. Actually all the products are much safer today than they were 40 years ago, when we were eating DDT regularly. They do breakdown, but the older chemicals did not break down and will always be with us, although they have sunk down a little lower in the creek beds. We used to swim in the creeks that carried run-off from the fields. Some things are much better.

I think I have understood the ‘secret’ of Virgo sign.
Virgo tends to be in her mind, because she is partially disconnected from all the primal energies: screaming, wild sex, screaming, anger, etc. She doesn’t like them so much, hence the name ‘virgin’.
She likes nature and is at home in it, provided it’s not too extreme.

Some planets and/or luminaries in Virgo can emphasize this tendency, and when it becomes too extreme, and primal energies push to get out, Virgo can disclose its secret: virgo + primal energies = real power. Real feminine power.
Like an extreme gives the key to understand its opposite, and there the real power is.
Hope it’s understandable.

This dynamic repeats itself: there is always a tension between expressing/not expressing, letting go/holding.

since we’re on the topic of Dragons and making space, may I share a poem I wrote a couple of years ago?

I am a Dragon my dear

I am a Dragon my dear,
And finally I say this without fear.
But the disguise I wear,
And the wealth I share,
Is a weight at times hard to bear.
And into the pearl I intently stare,
Dreaming of a Phoenix in the colourful Space,
With her many gifts and gentle smile to warm my face.
Together soon again with effortless ease,
A blessing from a timeless eternal peace.
Look here! The flower I’ve placed in the East has bloomed,
Signaling all that was paused shall now be resumed.

burning river — no, not all used up, but things were feeling rather dark last night. thank you (and everyone) for the kind words; yes, i am a bit hard on myself, and also, there’s a longer history to the dynamics at play in that relationship than i can get into here.

i guess the more important part is that i’m in at least one healing process to get to some roots of what i’m working with here; i could probably use another therapy mode too. also, yes about being careful who one allows in one’s corner; i’ve made mistakes in that regard in the past. man, do those do a number on you, eh?

and carrie — no pun. that’s the actual chinese element — but glad you had fun with it.

My first time posting here but a regular reader of PW for many moons … thanks to everyone for your insights and reflections, you guys keep me sane when I feel the need to re-charge my batteries and find out what influences are at play of the astrological kind

thanks to Be for “By golly, I’m here to tell you there is much to love about life after 50. Things that bogged you down (expectations of others for example) no longer imprison you”… I feel like that’s been happening ALOT since I turned 50…

55’s heading my way come May 5 and that luscious Scorpio Full Moon is beckoning … couldn’t feel more like ‘cooking eggs naked’ LOL

Amanda. if the sincere, loving woman that another poster said of you today and I fully concur, “used up” all of another’s good-will and trust…. I would have to think that that someone had very little good-will and trust to begin with.
Watch carefully who it is you let into YOUR corner. You would give more, I know you would: you deserve better than how you were made to feel about yourself. Just my opinion.
(((all)))

The appointment of the Moon and Mars makes me think a map of Sarkozy outgoing in France President, he has A Moon/Mars in Aries first decanate or is currently Uranus and this virulence which it makes running in these remarks the sextile of Sun square Pluto in world… the composite between sarko and the map of the second round of the elections a large square is also very dynamic, it will fight to the end… I was very active today two articles on my blog, the Moon in Aries and this moon/Mars conjunction was born in me a renewed energy

I am 52. I didn’t fear fifty but menopause took me by surprise because all of my female relatives had had hysterectomies early on so had no menopause symptoms for me to take note of. I have not bled since last June; if I go without a period through this June (coming up soon) I will be officially done.

Last year was the hardest time. It wasn’t the hotflashes or night sweats (those had been going on for a long time) but the huge rise in libido along with the huge rise in insecurity that went with it. Suddenly I felt like I wanted to fuck every decent looking male out there. My already overdrive libido (always have been in overdrive my whole life) cranked up to “I want to have more sex partners even though I am married and not likeing extra relationships” mode. It was awful being that sexually charged, unable to relieve it, feeling insecure about myself so badly (not because of the ageing thing but because of the huge weight loss making me wrinkle for the first time and the neediness of that deep sexual desire just when I knew males would not be interested because of my age).

It didn’t help that I got confused about some of the relationships I already had in place which were not close but which felt close because of the hormones and insecurities. I almost pushed away a communication connection so bad that losing it caused me actual grief. It is back and I am glad to say I feel like my old, strong, secure self again. Phew.

At least I was aware enough of what I was going through that I didn’t do anything stupid. Chiron return is hard on the feelings but knowledge is very preventative and helpful.

I have a headache and weird questions coming, like “What is to be a woman? Will I still be a woman ‘after’? I know, it seems so weird and obvious, but I can assure that 24 hours ago I did not have these questions in mind at all.
I’ll go through it, unload the garbage and honor the gold.

Needless to say, natal Pluto, Moon, Mars and Chiron are involved.

Ah, and thanks to Fe’s uterus. I loved listening to it. Maybe I’ll listen to mine too, it might have things to say.

Thanks, Be – I’m with you — and my Mars no longer fires up like it used to; it has mellowed and is begging for a little new-style structure (whatever that will manifest as) from the likes of concepts like Vesta and Saturn….although Pluto seems to be the underlying energy for what’s what with me. oh, mus’ent forget Uranus. What an assortment of energies that ask for sorting out!

I agree with sitting under the tree and gratefully anticipating new knowledge.

Amanda – I know =exactly= what you mean (hello cuspy Taurus Sun, Ascendant, Mercury, and Chiron!). It’s hard to let go of what you want/expectations, and just let it happen. Maybe that’s what you need to get for whatever this is. I find, after all is said and done, that it tends to be a matter of semantics, anyhow.
Good luck.

maeve — “Amanda – the first thing I thought of when I read your post was, if you keep finding your way blocked, then you’re going the wrong way. Simple, but true. Either you’re heading the not-right direction, or there’s something you still need to learn before you progress.”

yes, and i think i know this. and i also know i’ve stubbornly (hello to my taurus sun!) wanted to change directions in a certain way, after certain things.

totally the wrong way to go about it, probably, but hard for me not to think it can work, even if a little.

btw — re: christiane northrup: she lives near here, and is an avid tango dancer. in fact, she and my friend emma are in buenos aires right now, enjoying a few weeks of tango dancing till the wee, wee hours, sleeping till early afternoon, getting up for some tango-shoe-shopping, and then going dancing again.

so… clearly christiane is relishing whatever her age, etc may be.

and you know, as someone who also regularly gets mistaken for younger, (though i’m a decade behind some of today’s commenters), i think it’s *totally* possible to take some pride in how well you’re aging — and that others can respond to it with appreciation — rather than feeling awkward or embarrassed.

in fact, another member of the play fest i just did finally confessed her age after the last show (she hadn’t wanted to “scare” her 23-year-old castmate, whose character hers hit on in their play). she looked about 38, but is 51. and i have to say, i felt only admiration from the couple young men in the room in response to her.

Ha. Kim knows how to work it!
Fifty didn’t phase me. (although I had early onset meno in
My late thirties)
It was 55 (57 now) when it all shifted.
Or is it age? Could it be Pluto transit my first that makes me invisible?
Not my age? I’ve always been attractive. Still am tho struggling with ten extra pounds.
With moon in Leo it’s tough being non-existent. Is that age?
Lately it’s occurred to me I’m looking for love in all the wrong places again.
“In the middle of life I found myself in a dark wood…and the way was lost.”
If you’re not here yet, you simply can’t know what it’s like.
Love the dragon on the loose! Yes. Definitely.
Holding as still as I can in the midst of the firestorm.
Some tall strong tree could make me whole about now. Thanks everyone.

Amanda – the first thing I thought of when I read your post was, if you keep finding your way blocked, then you’re going the wrong way. Simple, but true. Either you’re heading the not-right direction, or there’s something you still need to learn before you progress. I _KNOW_ it is frustrating when you think you’re doing all the right things, with thought and purpose, and find yourself getting raked over the coals anyway.
It sounds like you need a change of something. It could be something as easy as taking a short drive somewhere… just get in the car and drive where you feel like. Turn here, stop there, lean to the left. Or go try some new food. Or have a new flavor of tea. Or something. It’s hard to get out of your rut when you’re so deep you can’t even see over the top. But if it’s muddy and gooey, just wait a little while, the mud will firm up, and you can use it to step out.
Feed yourself well today, be kind to yourself, let Vesta’s fire warm you while you regroup.

And tree friendships. The boost the matrix event several years ago was the first time I had touched the earth to feel the earth rather than just being on it. And from there I have found some trees that I seek out often. They happen to be in a circle and I sit mainly under one, or sleep there for a while with my head touching the trunk (or in the circle if it is the earth which I am seeking), or sit with my hands linked behind me on the bark.

Sunday I went to a sheep dog trials, there was a couple there whose act is with horses, they are acrobats, ride two horses at a time, vault on and off and over, and this is sort of by the way to their comedy of being poor farmers and being inept, or some other context. They are completely ridiculous. So confident they can be. Last year they had a grand piano accompanying them to great effect. Too absurd. They ride only with those loose rope halters.

The show was over, but they had gone on to playing with the crowd. I was enjoying the flamboyance of a woman in a cape that went over the hind quarters of her horse, (playing with the phrase they had given her), on the outskirts of the crowd, when they asked what the name was of the girth with the handles that they use to vault on and off their horses. Even in english..! they said hopefully. i was completely safe. i didn’t know even in english. They looked at me No idea I said happily. But I found myself none the less, dressed up, ridiculous, astride a horse with a big bouquet, my headware jangling with metals discs, the wife of a colonel. My phrase was 3 sentences long. I disclaimed it, used it, failed miserably to retain it (had to refer to it constantly) – ridiculous in every sense, holding a space a little, but not supple as they are, or accomplished, or witty. It didn’t matter. They caught me every time. I laughed, everybody else was still laughing – friendly laughter. Completely ridiculous. What a freedom.

It does seem that Mars is deep into Virgo with the fire business, not that he hasn’t been for some time, but there must be a reason for all this analyzing and critiquing of self. Let’s see, he’s half-way between the nodes, that might explain the need to change your perspective from what was to what will be. Then he’s opposite Neptune which might reflect back something less-than-clear to oneself; and he approaches the opposition to Chiron who just doesn’t seem to let up on teaching us something about the art of healing. Then too, Mars just being in the sign of Virgo is hell-bent on making oneself absolutely flawless in order to cross over into the world of “other”; the land of “equal”; the sign of Libra.

So what is it with these mutable signs? They don’t “start” things like the cardinal signs, and they don’t establish and solidify things like the fixed signs either. I guess what they are really good at is loosening us up to gradually change into another mode of operation.

So something in us that’s been “fixed” for quite a while is being prepared to become something more to Mars’ liking, something with action something with get-up-and-go. These are the early degrees of Virgo that Mars has been tied down in for weeks and he’s not a patient guy. He is not a “ponderer” by nature. Maybe if it was Mercury or Venus or even Saturn, we could roll with the procedure of preparing to change our mode of operation with less, well, friction.

I really like the suggestion of meditating beneath a tree. Thanks xoxo, and pleased to meet you. This sitting under a tree with hands on the ground sounds so Virgo-like, don’t you think? Earthy? Getting things organized that have been disheveled for way too long would be something worthy of Mars’ energy while in Virgo too. When left to thinking, Virgo can make almost anyone and any planet symbol dis-satisfied with the way things are. Virgo, when activated by some energy, is best at fixing things, or helping someone, getting clear on the facts. If we simply MUST leave the fixed modality, where we have been and grown comfotable, well, so be it. By golly, I’m here to tell you there is much to love about life after 50. Things that bogged you down (expectations of others for example) no longer imprison you you. Fuck off, I’m 50. . . . thanks Huffy!

My dear fellow PWers, it is so easy to get trapped into a short-sighted view of the times. It is imperative that we raise our sights to include the meaning of Uranus squaring Pluto and all the other aspects of transition leading up to it. We simply must pack our bags, unload all the trash and prepare to move into a new world. Forget all the trappings of your life as it “has always been” and start thinking a little bit about the possibilities of what being free from old restrictions could be like. Practice a little day-dreaming when you feel cross because the world is picking on you. It’s only trying to break your stride and get you off that old track and onto the new.

This half-way mark for Mars is like a time warp where we are left to our own devices; this point between the Moon’s nodes without clear road signs. The half-way mark that falls, clock-wise, past the north node on the way (clock-wise) to the south node is called the south bending and, like the south node is not a place to take on new things. It is a place where we release the energy of the symbol placed there or give it away. So “it’s” in Virgo, the sign of service, and it is Mars, the symbol of action, and at this time, on this planet, maybe – just for a while – we could focus (Mars and Virgo can do that well) on how we can be of service in some way. There’s bound to be ways as close as your own family or neighbors or friends on the internet that could use what it is you do with relative ease. Remember, fire is a healing tool as well as an alchemical tool. If you make me feel better it will make you feel better too. Right? Time may be precious, but it is only a state of mind.
be

read Aleph this week ‘Manda and (some of it you think hmmm, not sure, but some of it is very rich). Like liking the energy of an opponent and meeting them to honour the energy between you. Or getting a grip on your own path. Other things too I really liked.

And the other thing is (as my old boss, who had the profile of Nephertiti, used to say) ‘it’s their loss, not yours’

And something from my experience is that you can’t judge something by goodwill used up etc because all you can do is be true to what you know and try to be lucid and respect the boundaries that are to be respected and at the end of the day there are those who love you and their goodwill is never used up even if you are in conflict for sometime – you’re just working things out, one or other or between you.

And then there are others (like when one of the kids asked me – some years ago now – for money to buy sweets for the kids at school. If you want to I said is it something special. No he said they said they’d be my friend if I brought them sweets. (What can you say?) I said: Take them sweets if you like, but don’t mistake them for friends. These are people who like sweets).

XOXO, I learned a tree ceremony several years ago that involves asking permission of the tree to speak with it, honoring the four directions, and ultimately making a thank offering of tobacco to the tree when done. Time to go out today and do that (now that the rain has stopped for a day anyway).

Christiane Northrup, MD, has regularly been part of PBS (especially at pledge time) with programs on menopause. When she wrote “Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom” she said should wouldn’t write about menopause until she went through it. She did and she did, and wrote “The Wisdom of Menopause.” It’s one of the very few places that I found information on perimenopause. It’s a good guidebook, and I think should be read by any woman in her thirties, given the frequency of “early onset menopause” (not that what we are eating has anything to do with that…duh).

As an aside, the “news” last night brought word that Congress is concerned because women are exposed to approximately 120 chemicals and men to approximately 80 chemicals in the beauty and grooming products they use every day. Congress is concerned that many of these are carcinogenic (another duh!) or lead to other health issues, and now Congress is going to look at regulating this area, ie, cosmetics and possibly requiring labeling.

WTF? Regulate label eye shadow and lipstick and deoderants so we know they contain harmful ingredients, but don’t tell us what is in our food or what’s been done to it? Oh, yeah, another day (with apologies to Lewis Carroll and Alice) of being asked to believe seven (or ten or eleven) impossible things before breakfast.

Sigh. Back to work. Or maybe study my transit chart: the Moon and Mercury transiting my 12th house, conjunct natal Vesta and South Node AND ASC, and Tr South Node sitting on my MC.

I couldn’t wait to turn 50, the challenge being “what is the best 50 I could be?”

With both parents gone, and making my way blindly across the threshold, all I had was me and my life. I wrapped both arms and legs around it and am giving me the ride of my life; dancing, Pilates and cooking up a storm. Don’t think second career but third and fourth, and give a shout out to Sophia Loren and Helen Mirren!

50 for me, is about permission to yourself to be completely you +. you have nothing to lose.

Huffy, please do. I like that phrase too! I am not there yet, so how come when I am asked my age, I answer and I can’t quite believe what is coming out of my mouth.. (how did that happen so fast?) If I joke and say 28, I fear someone may punch me, or their eyes roll out their head.

Thanks Huffy. (Long time lurker, first time poster). I forgot to add the most important part – re sitting under the tree. It’s like the tree does the meditating for you, it that makes any sense. You simply sit against it and place your hands on the ground, that’s it. It was recommended to me, I found it helpful. So if you see someone doing that under a tree in public park, trying to look nonchalant, it may be me.

The opening made me roar too. Also the great perspectives in the comments, love the scorched earth policy. Will add some musical accompanyment from Dragon – since I woke up dreaming of the amazing Marc http://youtu.be/vilvwhXuRUg.
For those who aren’t good at meditating, *raises hand* recommend sitting against a tree and placing your hands on the ground if you can.

Paola: Fifty??!!! Hah! Cakewalk, as was menopause, and perimenopause would have been had I known what it was. Lucky? Maybe. But, let me tell you, enjoy that decade of the fifties, ’cause the slap in the face for me was the moment back in early November last year when I said aloud that I was going to be sixty. Sixty???!! WTF???!!!

Just keep the flame lit of the desire to do those things you want to do, and tell yourself (if needed) that it is the flame that causes hot flashes.

Amanda, what Huffy said – don’t beat yourself up. Maybe it is just time to be still and look “360” – all the way around the zodiacal/medicine wheel, and move out of the corner where there no longer is goodwill or trust. Maybe it’s time to be still and let whomever crash through the opening and go on their merry way. Maybe the crashing through will make the open space wider, larger for you. Or maybe it’s time to use that flame to scorch a few. Especially if someone is rationing the goodwill and trust that had been extended to you.

Paola – when I too turned 50 last summer, think I was greatly helped by watching two of my closest women friends, who are a few years older than me, as they turned 50. I watched their fear as the dreaded date drew near – which then turned to delight when the day finally came. And I watched them flourish and become even more attractive in the year that followed, as they let go of certain constraints. As for me – I came up with the phrase “Fuck off, I’m 50″. That said – it *is* a hard realisation, the fact of growing old – but there’s still loads of time left. My god – I’m determined to write ‘that book’ before I die! And look at your gorgeous fellow country woman,Laura Morante, who’s 55 and has just made her first film (not much good I hear – but still..). Nuff said.

Well, it ‘exploded’ in front of my face yesterday night. It was there all along, it has been there for three or four years but I was not seeing it. I didn’t want to see it, maybe. To the point that any doctor even mentioned it to me, and I went to three or four, with the weirdest symptoms. My mother said it last year, and I dismissed her with a laugh.
Then last summer I turned 50. Fifty. As a person who has always been looking much younger than her age, I stared to have (inner) difficulties when somebody asked my age. Saying ’50’ was very different than saying 49, because of all the prejudices and associations in my mind.
But a few weeks ago finally something lit up in my mind, and the possibility of considering the thought came, and I made some research, and… hey, it’s it: menopause.
Even the gynecologist said no, but it is.
And this morning, May 1st, this means: I am getting OLD. My body is getting old. I passed the half of my present time on this planet, possibly.
And, my God, I still haven’t done so many of the things I want to do.

“and it’s tiring and sad to think i’ve apparently used up all of someone’s goodwill and trust in one corner of my life. really. sucks”. You’re such a sincere, loving woman, dear Amanda – maybe you’re just being a little too hard on yourself?

Know how you’re feeling dear Amanda! Hang on in there, girl! Me too “If you find yourself in what feels like a no-win situation or a endless mental/emotional loop, find a way out”.Am feeling blocked, frustrated and fearful myself at the moment – but at the same time I’m trying to stay with those feelings, and let them be, unbearable as they are – that that’s the way through, to let go of the endless struggle, which is so very hard to do.
Thanks, as always, dear Eric. Love the hilarious intro – made me roar! xxx

“If you find yourself in what feels like a no-win situation or a endless mental/emotional loop, find a way out. Perhaps easier said than done, but certainly possible. Be aware of what you’re feeling before it overwhelms you, and while you still feel you have the freedom of choice.”

apparently i’ve read this too late, even though it’s so early. that’s the thing — i keep feeling like choice gets blocked off every time i think i’m open to it. the “way out” keeps feeling like “give up.”

“This is a good day to make decisions.”

…i’m not convinced of that yet, given the sense of “no win.” i guess i’ll have to sleep on it.

“There’s a reminder to hold space open for what you want to happen, and to protect that space with as much positive energy as you can (rather than defensive, if you can arrange it). Vesta is a reminder to be clear in your purpose and your direction.”

i’m trying, i swear. i just don’t seem to be allowed to. every time i get the space open, and feel really good about it, i feel like i get someone crashing through it. it shouldn’t be this hard. really. and it’s tiring and sad to think i’ve apparently used up all of someone’s goodwill and trust in one corner of my life. really. sucks.