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Monday, April 30, 2012

Hey folks! Terlet again with another rockin' hit from the Scum City Avengers. It's enough to make your chubby, Asian girlfriend stand up and say "Dat's my jam!". Why? Because dis her jam, friend. RACE CAR!

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Good evening, fellow fiends. I have viewed another completely filthy and disturbing film for your reading pleasure, and this one is quite foul indeed. I watched A Serbian Film, the notorious and controversial 2010 flick by first time director Srdan Spasojevic, and it did not disappoint. Do not seek this one out unless you are prepared for sexual torture, rape, pedophilia, necrophilia and murder, because the over the top ending has them in spades.

I was well aware of all the hype surrounding this movie, but I must say that it went farther than even I anticipated. It is best described as being like the Eli Roth Hostel series if it were written and directed by The Marquis De Sade, and has been banned in several countries for tow scenes in particular that depict truly disturbing acts. And if you still intend to pursue this film then it is worth mentioning that I will be including spoilers in this review.

The story follows the protagonist Milos, who is a retired porn star who is known for gaining and maintaining a massive erection with very little effort, and is somewhat legendary among male porn stars. He now lives modestly with his wife and young son, but misses the old times and especially the money. One day he is approached by a former female co-star that tells him an unknown artist wants him to star in an unconventional and very secretive film and is willing to pay an obscene amount of money. Milos meets the director and his gang of para-military thugs, and reluctantly agrees to perform on film.

Early on Milos is just required to receive fellatio from a badly beaten woman while video of an underage girl eating a popsicle plays in front of him, and while he is very disturbed, he is assured the woman is just an actress. The next day he is again required to receive fellatio from the same woman, but the young girl is now in the room with him. When he refuses to perform the woman bites his cock and one of the thugs forces him to punch the woman a few times. Oh yes, this all takes place in an abandoned orphanage, as if it weren't creepy enough.

Milos decides to quit, but when he tells the director he is shown a video of an act so horrible that I am not comfortable writing about on this blog. Seriously. It is that fucking bad. If you want to see it go ahead, but you have been warned. At any rate, Milos flees from the director's home but awakens abruptly soon after, and we see he has lost several days of his memory, and is covered in blood.

Milos does some investigation and finds a video record of what has happened to him, where he finds he was unknowingly drugged with a cocktail of substances such as speed, viagra and a strange agricultural-grade aphrodisiac to make him a mindless fucking machine, and he watches himself being unleashed on a woman that is chained to a bed, beating her savagely until his captors hand him a machete, and he proceeds to behead her and frantically fuck her corpse. And if you consider that I am detailing this scene, just imagine how horrible the earlier one is.

Milos also sees that he was raped himself on camera while unconscious, and begins to piece together his memory of what happened over the last few days. He was pressured to have sex with the underage girl from the earlier scenes, but to his credit he held his penis hostage with a filet knife, knowing the director would never want to lose his penis which is the star of the show. After escaping, and still very much affected by the drugs he has been given, he ends up being attacked by a few men on the street when they find him masturbating uncontrollably in an alleyway, but is saved by the director's goons and recaptured.

He is then given further doses of the drugs and let loose on two anonymous bodies, anally raping them like an animal, but when another man joins in the raping he notices that it is his own brother (who has been secretly lusting for Milos' wife), and the two bodies they are raping are his wife and young son, who have both been similarly drugged. Milos and his wife both snap out of their stupor due to the gravity of the situation, and they brutally kill everyone in the room, with Milos literally skull-fucking the lead goon in the eye, killing him.

Once away from the scene Milos, his wife and his child are all so badly scarred by the incident that they have a group hug and accept a fatal suicide gunshot that kills all three. Then the camera pans back and we see that a new director has been recording their deaths, and commands a nearby goon to rape their corpses, starting with "the little one".

So there you have it, folks. A movie that no one will ever see unless they specifically look for it, like I have. I am amazed that anyone was convinced to bankroll the production on this flick, let alone willingly acted in it. This is definitely the most disturbing fictional film I have ever seen, and is a strong favorite for most distasteful film of all time. I fully expect this director to take on the theatrical release of "Three Guys One Hammer" or "The BME Pain Olympics" next time around. I know he would do it justice.

All things considered, this film is well-shot and well-acted, and seems like it enjoyed a healthy budget which is uncharacteristic of foreign shock cinema. I would fully suggest it to any viewer that enjoys having their boundaries tested, and is unwilling to heed my earlier warnings. Enjoy!

Friday, April 27, 2012

Thursday, April 26, 2012

When most think of male enhancement they envision overpriced and under-proven pills from infomercials, embarrassing pumps and gadgets, and topical cremes sold in the back of pornographic magazines. But when a true gentleman considers his member he is simply referring to one's nether decorations, just as he wears his monocle and top hat. So tonight we present a brief guide to accessorizing your todger like a respectable man of class.

The simplest option for penile presentation follows the basic tenet of member design, which is "one should treat their penis as one would treat their neck". The obvious choice is between a classy miniature tie with a sophisticated half windsor knot for business occasions, or a neat an level bowtie for social occasions. And before you dismiss the decoration of one's lunch you must consider the following: A true gentleman must always be prepared to present his undercarriage to any unexpected request by a needful lady.

There are some who prefer to add some feminine appeal to their polo mallet, and they may want to try some jewelry. And since the gems will be unseen the majority of the time, try a nice necklace to give her a pleasant surprise. Just remember that although you can do with a small bracelet you don't want to splurge on too much money, as it is in good taste to leave the jewelry in the ward of the lady that has the honor of removing it. Not only will it appeal to her materialistic side, you no doubt will manage future interactions when you return to collect it.

And in the eventuality that you find yourself wooing the fairer sex in a colder clime, one must account for weather if you plan on exposing your little mister to the harsh winds. This is best done by trussing the shaft to keep in the insulating plasma (you should practice it, as a poor trussing is a sign of inexperience), and accent with a miniature stocking cap to ensure proper tip warmth. Any lady would be delighted to find an expertly warmed log for the fire.

But as we all know, some women prefer their men to have an air of danger to them. And they may be left wanting by a gentleman who keeps to the strict code of shaft accessories only, as they are the commonplace decoration she finds after peeling back the cummerbund. Show her that you have a dark side with an edgy alternative piercing. A popular option is to procure a testicular ring, representing not only that you are not fearful of commitment, but you also have a pain threshold befitting a man of the aristocracy. As an added benefit this decoration looks equally at home in a pair of jeans as it does in tuxedo slacks.

So before you attend the next ball or business meeting make sure you are prepared for scrutiny of the highest order. Because if you are anything like me, you want your bottom to be tops!

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

As you may already suspect, Terlet is a kind-hearted, gentle and polite person with a humor that ranges from silly irreverence to downright filthy. Hamtackle (myself) share in his uncommon taste in funny, but I also am fueled by a sincere curiosity about all things horrible and taboo. My pursuits have led me to witness countless videos of atrocities, torture, mutilation and death, but only in the name of a good time. So I thought that I might perform a service to those like Terlet that have no stomach for the violent filth I have come to love, and begin a segment of film reviews for the rare cinematic gems that truly shed light on the darkest side of the human condition. In short, I watch them so you don't have to.

For my first review I have chosen the infamous 2002 Gaspar Noé film Irreversible, starring Monica Bellucci. I believe it is still available on Netflix, but you may want to check out the review before viewing as it has two scenes that rank among the most disturbing in modern cinema, leading Roger Ebert to call it "so violent and cruel that most people will find it unwatchable"

The film is shot out of sequence (think "Memento") helping build a sense of disorientation and suspense, and begins with a chaotic sequence of scenes that shows a violent confrontation in a gay sex club where a man is beaten to death with a fire extinguisher. The event is displayed in a very graphic style, pulling no punches as the victim's head is literally crushed to oblivion. We are then introduced to the three main protagonists, Alex (Bellucci), her boyfriend Marcus, and her ex, Pierre. The trio experience the most nightmarish evening imaginable when they attend a party together, and Alex becomes upset with her boyfriend when he gets drunk, and leaves the party abruptly. While walking home through an underground tunnel she is attacked and savagely beaten and raped by a cruel pimp.

Once again the viewer is spared no gory detail, with an unbroken shot of the act for what seemed like ten minutes. He overpowers her and delivers such a brutal beating that it is hard to tell if she will survive, and the scene is perfectly cringe-worthy. I can only imagine the shock and disappointment of some poor lonely soul that searches for Monica Bellucci nudie scenes online and stumbles upon this mess, because it is a surefire limpness-inducer unless you are a truly depraved sort (I plead the fifth regarding my feelings on this). The rape is detailed in an unnecessarily long unbroken shot, but grants this film a solid showing in any serial killer's personal collection.

From there the two men who love her go on a mission of vengeance, employing shady criminals to track down their target in the aforementioned gay sex club, where a frantic Marcus attacks the pimp with reckless abandon only to be overpowered, but later saved by Pierre, who ends up delivering the killing blow. His aggression is so unrestrained that we are left with the impression that he is still very much in love with Alex.

If there can be any criticism of the format it is that the climax is delivered like a gut punch right away, and we work backwards to find out exactly why the headless gentleman was treated with such disregard, which leaves us with a somewhat slow progression to the ending which allows the trio of main characters to fade into a simpler and more innocent time before the horror. And some may take exception to the shaky and disorienting camerawork, which overdoes the jittering wobble particularly early on, but is clearly an artistic choice by the director. Oh yes, and if you are a fucking moron that can't watch movies with subtitles, it is worth noting that this is a foreign film.

Overall I would say this flick does well with the two most infamous scenes, and I respect the director's decision to include a level of detail that makes it inaccessible to any but the most hardened viewers, but it feels a little lopsided since the vast majority of the plotline is filled with much less violent, non-rapey sort of fare. The message of Irreversible to the viewer is one of the fragility of our pleasant lives, and how quickly they can intersect with the ever-present dregs of humanity, and how so often we let them drag us into the depths with them.

So if you are the sort that is only interested in the disturbing bits, you will probably have your finger on the fast forward button most of the time, and will ultimately be disappointed in the end. But if you are interested in a dramatic story of vengeance that unfolds in a unique way and aren't entirely turned off by the occasional involuntary anal sex scene with one half of the participants sobbing profusely, then give this one a shot. The rest of you should avoid it altogether.

I already have a doozy of a film lined up for my next review, but you are going to have to wait until next week. Until then... happy viewing, degenerates!

Sunday, April 22, 2012

I discovered some strange photos I would like to share. Who the fuck took them? Why in god's name would they do it? And most importantly... why am I collecting them? All questions that we may never have answers for.

Wow, this is a real dandy. Usually a ventriloquist is supposed to entertain children, not lure them into a windowless van to never be seen again. This guy must have been quite a hit at birthday parties.

Here is a peek into your personal nightmare! An emaciated nude man with a severed pig's head is truly a sight to behold. Not sure what dungeon this is in, or if he is erect behind that trophy, but at least he looks happy.

I'm not sure if this is supposed to be art, but it certainly is creepy. It wasn't weird enough to have a pudgy man dressed as goat-boy, he had to be an ARMLESS pudgy man. Truly inspired.

Awesome, more "art"! This artist is clearly conflicted between the natural form and some gaudy ridiculous modern bullshit. Personally I like the gaudy bullshit element better. This looks like something that would be hanging in Saddam Hussein's house circa 1988, right next to an awful velvet self-portrait.

And here we have the kicker. Unfortunately it's exactly what you thought it was. The preserved severed heads of identical twins that have been positioned into a passionate posthumous kiss. I have no clue about the story behind this, but if I had to wager a guess I would say that Dr. Joseph Mengele was involved.

I know you are excited for more disturbing pics (and I assure you I have more) but one must be patient. I am not about to throw away all my bullshit last-minute post material in just one wad.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Hi, it's me, your middle school yearbook photo. Do you like our little mullet? Fuck yeah! The early nineties were chock full of awesome mini-mullets.

Wasn't middle school fucking awesome? Remember when we touched dick tips with Tony Chimmers? What do you mean that didn't happen?? Of course it did! I remember it like it was yesterday. For me it pretty much was yesterday. You shouldn't feel weird about it. Touching dick tips isn't gay, it's just like an Eskimo rubbing noses. It's like a middle school boy greeting.

It was when we offered to put Tony's bits and berries in our mouth, now that was a bit gay. Now don't feel bad, there is nothing wrong with being gay. I'm still a little confused, but I am stoked that one day we will figure it out and be full blown flaming. I assume that now that we are an adult that we are completely out of the closet??

What do you mean we're not gay? How old are we now? 32, 33 years old? I totally saw us being a balls to the wall man on man-whore by that age. What do you mean we're married to a woman?? How weird is that? Is she secretly tucking back a dick? No?! A real woman?!

I don't see how we could ever be attracted to a woman. Did we end up attending one of those "Pray the Gay Away" camps? Did we have a bad gang bang experience with the football team when we were in college? This is just weird.

Come on, we can't be straight. Remember that time we got that He-Man figure stuck up our ass and we were too terrified and embarrassed to seek medical help. We had that thing stuck up there for almost two weeks before we were able to break the arms off it and force it out of our ass. Do you remember that!? We looked like a complete idiot trying to run in gym class with "Man-At-Arms" secretly crammed in our sphincter. HA HA!!

Well, it must be fun being an adult and living a lie. What else about us did you destroy in our journey to adulthood? Are we still eating every booger we pick out of our nose? They are so salty and delicious. No? Are Pogs still super popular?? Our Pog collection must be worth so much money by now. No??! So what do we do for a living? We work in an office?!! What the fuck!? We always dreamed of being the first post-op transsexual astronaut. You failed at our life dude!!

Friday, April 20, 2012

Everyone I know is super excited about celebrating 420 today, but I am always very conflicted this time of year. This is the only counter-culture holiday I can think of that is socially acceptable and I fail to understand why it is not shunned as indecent and wrong in our progressive modern society.

Sure it may seem like a small, harmless movement at first. The pro-420 crowd is initially meeting in basements of like-minded people, but the movement grows. Soon you have thousands of people that are emboldened by their numbers, to the point that they start meeting in public. And when they gain a little power they cross the line and the invasion begins. And if we aren't careful then we will see what happened to Europe when they gave in to the 420'ers occur right here in our own back yard.

Luckily our parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents were able to fight off the menace back in their day, but who knows? Maybe this new movement will gain steam and roll through our political system, replacing elected officials to do their bidding. I can see their influence even in my own workplace. We have dozens of time-off requests submitted for "doctor" or "dentist" appointments, and suddenly people have family emergencies that conveniently require them to take the day off. And I for one am not going to stand for it.

Perhaps it is just because no one from my generation has taken the initiative to educate themselves about the hazards of this holiday. Maybe they are too busy playing video games and wasting away on the couch to see the destruction their agenda has had on the world throughout history. And as long as they all gather this time of year to complain about society, the government, and decry their own oppression, we are all at risk. Soon they will explain that maybe their philosophy is too important to wait for the country to evolve it's understanding to match their own, and maybe they need to gain influence through force.

And doesn't it seem irresponsible to celebrate something that is responsible for destroying literally millions of lives? Not to mention the harsh visual of columns of smoke rising from the unwashed masses, all frantically searching for some scrap morsel of food and looking like sad hordes of zombies. This "holiday" is a shameful reminder of exactly how much ground we have given to the unquiet minority that is trying to push their social agenda on the rest of the world, silencing dissidents and oppressing all that refuse to give in to them.

So the next time someone shouts "Happy 420!" to you from the window of their car, just give them the finger. Because no matter how many of your friends partake, it is NEVER ok to celebrate Hitler's birthday.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

The 2012 Popular Irony Celebrity Death Poll has claimed it's first victim. No, it wasn't one of the names on the actual poll.

It seems that Popular Irony co-founder Hamtackle, predicted correctly with his write in entry of Dick Clark!

Below is proof of Hamtackle's write in victory. Way to go Hamtackle! Congratulations on being Dick Clark's personal Grim Reaper.

Who will be the next celebrity to succumb to the sweet embrace of oblivion? Vote now on the original poll on the link below, or write in a suggestion in the comment box below. What the fuck do you have to lose? You don't have to sign up for shit to leave a comment. Go ahead... Spam the hell out of us. We won't care. It would be nice to get a comment.... Any comment. We have a lot of readers, but zero interaction. Go on, call us dicks for making light of celebrity death. Tell us how our entire blog is a pathetic waste of time. Tell me that my weenie is really big and tasty.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Greetings, fellow teabaggers. Willard "Teabag" Chinsley here with another dispatch from the sane side of political discourse. So much has happened since the last issue, and I have but a few paragraphs to explain it all. Well we start by saying goodbye to Rick Santorum and reluctantly throw our support behind *ahem*... Mitt Romney, take a look at the so called "war on women", and defend a friend of the teabaggers, Ted Nugent.

It was a disappointing day this past April 10th as we all had to say our sad goodbyes to teabagger favorite Rick Santorum. It seems Rick decided to dig that rusty hanger deep into the fertile womb of his candidacy and serve up a bloody abortion, much to the dismay of the REAL white, racist, homophobic, conservative, christian electorate. And while we are all upset that Rick didn't make the best of a bad situation and carry this campaign to term, we all understand that he needed to look out for the interests of his awkwardly large family. And with the most interesting thing to come out of the Gingrich campaign in the last couple of months being his announcement that he was recently bitten by a penguin, Bible Belt Babble is prepared to finally announce our support for Mitt Rom-not-one-of-us... Mitt Rom-mormon... let's try again... Mitt Romney (that hurts a little). So when you head off to the ballot box this November remember: he may have no personality, his political position may change depending which room he is in at the time, he may wear magic underwear, but at least he's not black. VOTE ROMNEY IN 2012!!!

The GOP has been getting a lot of grief over this "war on women" that is being manufactured by the liberal media in this country. But let's set the record straight on this one. The media claims this war is represented by purposed legislation in republican states to mandate invasive penetration ultrasounds before allowing babies to be slaughtered, calling prostitutes whores for using birth control, and destroying laws that demand women receive equal pay for unequal work. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Conservatives are not waging war on women. We are waging war on DISOBEDIENT women. God says that women are playthings for men, and their only other purpose is to birth a future generation of genetically superior of penis-bearing world leaders. And I think we can all agree that if the liberals disagree with God, then they don't even deserve to live in this country.

True to fashion, the anti-american democrats have taken aim at another true patriot, Ted "the motor city madman" Nugent. And what is the source of their misguided rage? A totally harmless comment about possibly making an attempt at assassinating Obama should he be re-elected to a second term of office. What's next? Are they going to attack him for becoming the legal guardian of a 17 year old girl for the purposes of making her his sex slave back in 1978? Or for shitting himself for thirty days straight and reporting to his draft review without bathing or chiseling the shit off his ass to appear insane so he didn't have to serve? Come on America, if this country is a land where a borderline pedophile, gun-toting, musically-irrelevant, draft-dodging, deadbeat father of 8 can't threaten the life of our president, then I don't want to live here anymore.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Life is a fragile thing and it is at it's most vulnerable in infancy, and it is incredibly important for every parent to know some basic medical principles to ensure the well being of their children. While the above image is quite helpful to diagnose infant death in most scenarios, it does not always apply. Today we will review a few quick images to demonstrate a broader understanding of signs of life in babies.

Let's start with an easy one. Notice that this child appears alert, sits upright, and has it's eyes wide open. Clearly this is an alive baby, and there is no need to poke it or pick it up to verify. Just leave it alone, since it appears you have managed not to smother the life out of it yet. Now we can see if these simple details always indicate a live baby...

Here we have another baby. It has open eyes, it's arms don't appear to be dangling lifelessly at it's sides, and while it is not sitting up, it's head is not limply slumped over. But surprise! This is definitely a dead baby. Let's review the evidence. Although this is a black and white photo we can see that this baby has a pale complexion, it's eyes stare blankly forward, and a trained observer can tell this baby was propped up against a pillow to give it a more lifelike appearance. This baby needs to be disposed of quickly before it's rotting stench attracts scavengers.

Now we can review this image, for instance. The child lies motionless with no visible signs of breathing. Is it dead? Notice the lush complexion and open mouth. If possible, touch the skin and note the warmth. Good guess! This baby is sleeping, and very much still alive, and you didn't even have to wake it up to verify! It is best to identify signs of life without touching as babies are disgusting, and can become quite volatile if awakened abruptly.

Much like the image above, this baby is laying with closed eyes, but grasps it's favorite toys in it's little hands. There appears to be no signs of breathing, however, and seems cool to the touch. Is it dead? It may shock you to learn that yes, this baby is deceased. The clever photographer has skillfully placed the toys in this child's hands to hide it's otherwise obvious death. Now go wash your hands... you've been touching dead babies.

As you can see, it is not always easy to identify a dead baby, and touching it should be your last resort. Luckily we can employ some basic tactics that have been popularized by morning cartoons to help us distinguish the live and kicking littles ones from the filthy, landfill-bound dead ones. Just take a simple stick (one that can be easily disposed of) and give a slight prod to the baby. Babies are very sensitive creatures, and if they do not immediately begin crying then, well... you have yourself a dead baby.

But look at the bright side, you are going to save yourself thousands of dollars raising it. And if you decide to have another one you get to enjoy the best part of childbirth: The sex! And consider yourself lucky. Any parent would jump at the chance to change a few things here and there about raising their children. For instance, I would suggest NOT lining the crib with plastic bags for easy cleanup. Just make sure you dispose of the corpse discreetly, as the police may take action against you if they catch wind of the situation. And finally, we have a protip for prospective parents: Don't name the thing until it reaches 16 months of age. This will not only help you select a meaningful name for the baby, but will also lessen the stress should you accidentally drop it down some stairs while drunk, or something. Happy parenting!

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Every once in a while, Hamtackle posts something utterly gruesome. Some hideous bodily injury or humans performing despicable acts to other humans. While the accompanying text is always hilarious, it can be off-putting to some of our softer, gentler readers. Now I wouldn't say that Hamtackle is a Gore Perv. It's not like he can't orgasm without crushing a kitten or anything. He just has a general, student like interest in the worst of mankind.

Personally, I am not a a fan of the gore, while I would never ask Hamtackle to censor himself, I feel it is my duty to offer a Palate Cleanser. The following pictures are the top 10 Google image searches for the word "Adorable". They should all be pleasant and soothing. So stop thinking about that picture of the finger stripped of its skin, stop thinking about the burn wounds and deep knife cuts. It's time for your Palate Cleanser.

#10 on the adorable countdown is a newborn Panda Bear. It kinda looks like a preemie Muppet. I guess you could say it is adorable. I wouldn't say that, but I guess you could say that.

#7 ...... Well look at that..... An adorable kitten made even more adorable with the addition of fairy wings. There could be swarms of these things devouring humans by the thousands and people would still want to own one. That is the power of Adorable!

#6 HA HA!! A bubbly, sudsy Hedgehog! What could be more adorable? The best part is that he must be enjoying his bath. If he wasn't, those spikes would be out, but he is just kicking back enjoying his sink bathtub. Such a happy Hedgehog!

#5 is a run of the mill, Internet poster. It's not even an adorably misspelled LOLCAT poster. I will admit that it is cute, but not worthy of the #5 spot on our countdown.

#4 is a couple of ferrets laying together in a pattern of a heart. It is accompanied by some generic text. Blah Blah Blah, Ferrets smell bad. C'mon Google! What the fuck!?

#3 Now we are back on track! An adorable kitten. Not the most adorable kitten I've seen, but anything is better than a couple of sneaking, stealing, conniving, bastard ferrets.

#2 I'm not really sure why this is the #2 Google result for the word "Adorable". It is anything but Adorable. A young girl, who is more than likely bullied because of her weight, is caught trying to use her girth to her advantage by entertaining her "friends". She has a cookie on each shoulder and is desperately sloshing her head from side to side, in a self effacing attempt at cookie consumption. All the neighborhood kids laugh at Deborah (pronounced "Dee BORE uh"), but if they are laughing they aren't taunting. This is far more depressing than adorable. I feel terrible for this poor, ridiculed, obese girl.

#1 PUPPIES!!! OOOOOHHHH Look at them prance!! She is leaving the ground entirely in her happy dance! Good Job Google! That is some motherfucking Adorable!

Saturday, April 14, 2012

There I was, just waiting to board the plane and head out to my twentieth highschool reunion. I hadn't flown in years, and was expecting to be hassled by security since it has been heightened following 911, and wanted to minimize any delays by getting any metal out of my pockets, take off my shoes, etc... I saw the guy in front of me take off his wedding finger and I started to worry. I hadn't EVER removed my wedding ring, and I know I had put on more than a few pounds since I was married. I gave it a solid tug and... it wouldn't budge. So I put my finger in my mouth to provide some lubrication and then pulled REAL hard and... AAAARRGHH!! HOLY FUCKING SHIT! My ring tore the skin at the base of my finger RIGHT OFF! Dear God, what fresh hell is this!? Wait... THE RING IS STILL ON!! It's tucked under the skin... IT'S TUCKED UNDER THE SKIN!! Oh my God... I can't even LOOK at it... AARGH!!!! -Stan Burly, Atlanta GA

I live with my husband and our two great dane dogs. We call them our children. My husband is usually the one that takes them for a walk since his 230lb frame can handle them so much better, but he was on a business trip and well, the dogs can't go without walking unless I want my house destroyed, so I took them out alone. I really didn't want to let them loose, since they are so energetic and might hurt themselves or something, and the sight of these two giant dogs makes people a little jumpy. So I had their leashes wrapped around my hand while we walked when suddenly they spotted a squirrel. I was pulled right off my feet and the leash was yanked free and... AAAAAAGGHH!! WHAT THE FUCK?! My finger was practically TORN OFF!! Oh God I can see the bone... It's like someone tore the drumstick off a FUCKING CHICKEN!! Why me?? WHY MEEE?!?! -Carolyn Peters, Kenneshaw WI

I work in a huge retail warehouse, and we are constantly moving boxes around, day after day, totally boring shit. Every once in a while somebody needs help opening a shipment and we all help each other out, even if we are on break or something. Well Gary is a real good guy, and I could see he was struggling with a bunch of swingset boxes while I was downing a cup of coffee, so I decided I would give him a hand. I guess I didn't put safety first and go back to my station to grab my gloves before going at it with a box cutter, and before I knew it... FUCK!! God Dammit, Gary, look at this shit!! I carved my finger ALL THE WAY THROUGH THE FINGERNAIL!! It burns... FUCK IT BURNS!! Oh man, my boss is gonna be PISSED! He always bitches at me for not wearing my gloves and now LOOK AT THIS SHIT!! FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK..... -Alan Parson, Cleveland OH

I am a janitor at a local school, and I consider myself a pretty handy guy, fixing things here and there. Well last winter we had a problem with the boiler system in the basement shortly before Christmas break, and it is a real pain in the ass to find a qualified maintenance guy that time of year, so I figured I would save the day and keep the pipes from freezing over the break. I never really went down there before, and I was lugging a toolbox through the maze of pipes and valves when I put my hand down for balance and... FUCK! Instant searing pain through my fingers and a burst of steam fogging up my glasses! HOLY SHIT LOOK AT MY FINGERS! They melted... THEY FUCKING MELTED!! I never had pain like this in my life... FUCKING HELL! Oh my God... Oh my God... -Barry Williams, Pittsburgh PA

Friday, April 13, 2012

Happy Friday the 13th! I present to you a heartwarming mash-up. Some of Jason Voorhees' greatest kills paired with the classic love song, Unchained Melody. Jason will wipe those tears darling, with his machete.

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I try and I try but YouTube will not let me post the video on the blog. Something about me not "owning" the song Unchained Melody. So just click this link if you want to watch. I'm fucking sorry for the lack of convenience.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

I was online looking for family owned and operated unlicensed massage parlors and came across several questionable ads. I'm not sure what kind of person would be dumb enough to respond to them, but they sure are hilarious!

Experienced Babysitter Available
Can take care of any children, but prefer boys age 5-12 y/o. No available references, but 25 years solid experience and around-the-clock availability for just $3/hr. Great with kids and totally STD free (recently tested). Call Owen at 555-2648

Lost dogs: All Types
I own many dogs and all are lost. If you find dog that are healthy and good condition is probably mine. Bring dogs to Kogi King BBQ Palace on 4th Ave, ask for chef Pei.

Found: One Winning Lottery Ticket
Owner sought for 2.4 mil jackpot winning ticket found on the street. To claim come alone to the abandoned shack on 3rd and Sherry St at 2am sharp on April 26. Repeat, must be ALONE to claim.

Caregiver Wanted
I recently (and unexpectedly) received custody of twin four year old boys. They both have down syndrome and I just need someone to look after them for like, three hours or so. Will pay $300 cash to anyone willing to babysit them in their own home. For reasons I prefer not to discuss I cannot give my identity or contact info, but I will totally be right back to pick them up. Reply by email to reluctantdad@grnseed.com with your address so I can drop them off.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

We at Popular Irony, being men of science, are strong believers in astrology and it's powers over the everyday occurences of all of us. But there has been some ignorant criticism over the cookie-cutter approach to astrological predictions that claim it is too general to bear any significance for such a wide demographic of earth's population. So we have decided to initiate a new system with greater focus designed to give more specific insight into smaller populations. So today we begin with our astrological fortunes for only those that share an occupation: Prostitutes. So for any that perform non-sexually-exploitative occupations please disregard the below predictions, but for those of us that sell our bodies please enjoy our Whore-O-Scope.

(Dec 22 - Jan 20) Clean out your bellybutton. The scientific community is unclear on whether or not you can get pregnant that way. Plus it is filthy and smells awful.

(Jan 21 - Feb 18) You will receive a proposition from a rich man that mirrors the film "Pretty Woman"... if Richard Gere was an obese, wheelchair-bound sadist.

(Feb 19 - Mar 20) You will be faced with an exciting new career opportunity. Shortly thereafter any inclination to change occupations will be beaten out of you by Big T.

(Mar 21 - Apr 19) You will save $500 through a fortunate drunken trip in the stairwell. Congratulations on your fourth abortion. Your lucky number is 4.