Season 3, Episode 13 – Heart, Glee Recap

It’s a Blaine-lite and Sugar-heavy Valentine’s Day edition of Glee! Are you ready for Christian singing groups, two-timing hobags, and a secret admirer in a gorilla suit?

FIRE ALL THE ACTORS ON GLEE AND MAKE THIS THE SUGAR SHOW ALREADY!!!

The woefully underutilized Sugar finally gets a chance to shine in this special Valentine’s Day edition of Glee. Now, instead of watching contrived drama about high school relationships with the occasional overproduced musical number, we get…err, pretty much exactly the same thing as any typical episode. Except there’re a lot more hearts and the colour red and plenty of Sugar scenes to make everything better. Yay!

Ugh, it’s that time of the season when Mr. Schue holds a fundraiser because the writers ran out of storylines before Regionals. Fortunately, Sugar saves us from that tedious garbage by donating her pocket money to meet the club’s quota. Don’t you love when the problems in life are solved simply by throwing money at it?

In a random moment, Tina also reminds us that she used to have substantial dialogue back when the Glee Club was carolling for money during Christmas fundraisers. (Sorry, that’s a fallacy – the useless bitch didn’t say anything in Season 1 or Season 2 either.)

Sugar: OKAY EVERYONE, LOOK UNDER YOUR CHAIRS! Except you, Artie. Your chair keeps moving, so I hid your surprise in the wastebasket. V-Day is my fave day ever! And to help me celebrate, my daddy is throwing me a huge redec party at Breadstix, and I’m naming it The Sugar Shack, and you’re all invited! But you have to bring a date. No single people allowed. They are sad and boring and they don’t exist in my world.

…which is funny, because Sugar is probably the only single female character left in Glee. The other girls are already tied down in boring & stable monogamous relationships, which severely limits their storytelling potential in the Valentine’s Day episode.

See: Tina Cohen-Chang, relegated to singing a background duet with her bofo while we watch a montage about other more interesting characters. L-O-V-E was nice & sung well, but it’s safe and ultimately forgettable as soon as the performance finishes. Just like Tina’s character in general.

Overall Grade: 4 letters in L-O-V-E out of 5.

Okay, to be fair, Quinn’s character is a single lady too, but that’s just the result of poor character regression and blatant sabotage against Dianna Agron in general. Besides, she’s obviously itching for the season to be over, so the character can disappear to Yale forever and the actress can move on to bigger better movie projects away from Ryan Murphy forever.

Unfortunately, she’s probably going to hook up with the new character Joe Hart (Samuel Larson) who also won that Glee Project show, but somehow ended up with less appearances than Damian McGuinty. Joe’s character is intended to this dreadlocked, homeschooled, hippie-dippie religious bible thumper, so he’s sure to reenforce any offensive Christian stereotypes that the Glee writers have in store. Hooray!

Joe is part of the school club called The God Squad, along with Mercedes, Sam and Quinn, who do things like ‘secretly baptize people’ and ‘pray about Artie’s legs’.

I literally did a double take when this new guy started singing, because holy fucking autotune!!! His voice is so manufactured that you can practically imagine him recording this song in a studio with the microphone, headphones, and a quick access link to the iTunes store. After three seasons, they don’t even try to pretend anymore, do they?

To make matters worse, Sam started RAPPING awkwardly because the show has this strange misconception that he’s a versatile singer who can perform country sings in one minute and then get down with reggae in the next. I’m sorry, but no, no, no, no, no. Just no.

The whole performance of ‘Stereo Hearts’ was overmanufactured, cringeworthy, and cookie-cutter at the same time. It was one giant iTunes store hot mess. Even the token black extra in the background is like *shaking his head* at this epic embarrassment.

Overall Grade: 1 broken stereo out of 5

Furthermore, the God Squad has this SUDDEN EPIPHANY about singing love serenades to OHNOES TEH GAY COUPLES!!! Which makes no fucking sense whatsoever since Mercedes, Quinn and Sam are all friendly bum chums with Kurt and Santana, so I don’t even know why it’s an issue. But Mercedes is suddenly like “WE NEED TO RESPECT JOE’S RELIGIOUS BELIEFS TOO” and Joe goes like “SOMEONE EDUCATE ME ABOUT THE GAES”. And it was just like ugh you can practically see the ham-fisted attempts to include a gay equality subplot with the finesse of an after-school special. Like, I appreciate the show’s efforts, but it was soooo preachy and annoying!

This totally felt like a typical Klaine storyline with all its preachy preachy preachy undertones, but it was passed down to Brittana because Darren Criss was too busy doing a shitty job on Broadway or whatever. Ugh, Santana deserves a better storyline than this.

BTW is Brittana a permanent thing now? Like, I know their entire relationship was established to appease the crazy annoying fans or whatever, but I didn’t know it was actually *canon* until this episode. I mean, we get a bajillion romantic scenes highlighting every fumble in the Finchel and Klaine relationships, but we hardly even see Santana and Brittany interact outside of split second reaction shots in the background. It just felt like this pairing came out of nowhere.

The one good thing about the God Squad is them filming the scenes in a style reminscence to That ’70s Show drug circle, as they “debate” whether BEING GAY IS OKAY. (The word “debate” is loosely used here. As if there’s any doubt which side of the rainbow Glee’s allegiances lie.)

The other good part about the God Squad is watching Sam say lulzy lines like “Three of us are in Glee club, so we pretty much sing to gay people all the time” and “The bible says it’s an abomination for a man to lay down with another man, but we share tents in cub scouts and slept next to each other all the time… *awkwardly long pause* …and the bible doesn’t say anything that condemns questionably straight boys experimenting with other boys, right?”

By the end of the episode, Joe is pretty much like “OMG I WOULD GLADLY SING LOVE SONGS FOR HOMOEQUALITY. GAY PEOPLE ARE MY FRIENDS. ^_^” as you would expect from this terribly predictable storyline. Of course, we get *ZERO INSIGHTS* to how Joe reached this enlightened state of thinking, so it’s like the show tried to teach us a moral lesson without actually putting in any effort or substance. Typical Glee, in other words.

Also, I was annoyed with the so-called LGBT “ally” Mercedes saying dumb & borderline offensive shit like OMGLOL SIMON IS SUCH A GAY NAME which is the kind of mentality that fosters the casual yet hurtful homophobia rampant in high school hallways. Not cool, Mercedes.

We finally get to meet Rachel’s dads, who look NOTHING like those two dudes we saw in the photograph on Rachel’s locker during the pilot episode. You guys know that picture is the only reason why the show delayed introducing Rachel’s parents for three seasons, right? They had hoped the viewers would forget about the locker photo by then, but unfortunately the crazed Glee viewers NEVER FORGET about ANYTHING. And these fans would continue harping on about Rachel’s original dads on any Internet message board they could find.

I had high expectations for Rachel’s two dads, but they were kinda annoying with all their eccentricities imho. Like, I’m sure their banter about Tony Danza’s dreaminess, or singing about who gets to be the top, might *seem* funny on paper. But after a while I just want Leroy and Hiram Berry to STFU and go away forever. I think I liked Rachel’s papas better before they were introduced.

Rachel: Finn and I are proud to announce that we’re finally getting MARRIED!!!

And everyone is kinda stunned by the bombshell announcement. Kurt disapproves of their union, going all like “I thought you wanted to be the next Barbara, not the next Britney!? Not impressed, bitch!” And Quinn is like “Thanks to you guys, I no longer have the worst storyline in the history of the show. Well, that didn’t take long!”

Mr. Schue: Have you guys carefully thought this through?
Rachel: Yes, and our parents are totally behind us, and your plan to stop us by telling them totally backfired, Mr. Schue.

*lol* Her accusation is spot-on. It’s funny because I could totally picture his character doing something underhanded like that.

Tina speaks up in Rachel’s defence and goes like “aww, I wanna go to your wedding xoxo”. It’s a good thing that she confirmed her attendance now, because there was a high probability that the writers might’ve forgetten about her character and not include her in the wedding episode at all.

Artie is pretty much like “no1curr about your tedious relationship, Finchel. Now move over and make way for the ARTIE AND SUGAR ROCKET SHIP. WE’RE GONNA BE THE NEXT BIG THING.” His performance of “Let Me Love You” was fun, breezy, and showcased Artie’s smooth sultry voice very well. I mean it was totally boy band to the tee, but this was still one of my fave Artie performances in a while now.

Overall Grade: 5 chocolate boxes in wastebaskets out of 5

But hold on, Artie isn’t the only smooth operator trying to win over Sugar’s heart. There’s also Rory who wants to tap dat ass as well! In short, we get a bajillion scenes of Rory acting adorable in all his glorious hammy magnificience. Aww, you can *totally* be my Valentine, Rory Flanagan!

*melting4rory4ever*

Sorry to gush, but omigosh Rory and Sugar are just so adorable together! They’re totally a match made in heaven with glitter, unicorns, puppy dogs, plus all things sugary and nice!!! Therefore, I think Artie should stop obstructing true love and wheel himself off a cliff to make way for this perfect romantic union. ^_^

I’m just kidding. Sorta. I’ve been going off on Artie for a while now, but this lulzy love triangle revived my interest in his character by a lot. It’s the first time in a long time that I’m feeling like LOL ARTIE instead of UGH ARTIE. So, I wouldn’t mind seeing a few more episodes of Artie and Rory feuding over Sugar’s affections (until Glee inevitably drives this to the ground, as they do with all the good relationships on the show.)

Ugh. Not another Rory solo. I know he’s an adorable Irish muffin and all, but I just haven’t warmed to his voice or his dull performances. His rendition of Michael Bublé’s “Home” was alright, but I like his character a lot more when he’s not musically boring me to death. Does that make me a bad fan?

Overall Grade: 3 lucky clovers out of 5

I love how every time Rory sings, half the Glee club looks like they’re on the verge of falling into a deep state of slumber. Like, these people aren’t even trying to pretend to stay interested. I don’t know if these reaction shots are intentional or not, but they’re totally accurate.

The best part about Rory’s performance (besides it being over) is that he crafted some bullshit story about getting deported back to Ireland, which totally won over the girl through the sympathy route. In the end, Sugar wants to be his Valentine girlfriend because she feels sorry for him more than Artie!

OMG RORY IS SUCH A DEVIOUS LITTLE SHIT!!! But just when I couldn’t love him even more, he becomes adorable…with a twist! Is there a better combination than having a face like a sweet innocent angel and a mind like an evil conniving devil? I didn’t think so. RORY FTW4EVER~ ^_^

Meanwhile, Mercedes is finally fed up with being a two-timing hobag and ends her relationship with Sam. GOOD FUCKING RIDDANCE. I actually liked Samcedes for maybe five seconds during last season, but they’ve become too grating and absolutely unbearable in the past couple of episodes. I’m so fucking over their longing gazes, coy smiles, and stupid soap opera dialogue. Please, no more!

I mean, the love triangle might actually be interesting if they’ve developed Shane’s character beyond a love interest in a varsity jacket, or if Sam and Mercedes had any smidgeon of chemistry together. It’s hard to care about some horribly written teenage romance when you are hardly invested in any of the parties involved.

I am glad they didn’t take the easy way out and turn Shane into a douchebag. But now, can we FINALLY see a scene between these two so the viewers would understand why Mercedes is head over heels for this guy???

Mercedes blasts out I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOUUUUUU (omg Whitney Houston tribute!) and she’s a vocal powerhouse like always, but at this point I felt so aggravated by their relationship crap that I couldn’t truly enjoy her performance.

Overall Grade: 3 Whitney Houston tributes out of 5

You know how some couples break up because of issues they couldn’t agree on – like having a baby or moving in together? Apparently, the dealbreaker in Finchel’s relationship is…the toilet. When the engaged couple spends the Valentine’s Day evening together, they quickly discover that even pooping in the same toilet is can cause a rift between them. Well, that’s the beginning of a beautiful marriage if I ever saw one.

Rachel’s fathers have a strange way of expressing concern over their daughter. They don’t approve of her getting married at such a young age, but decide that ~*REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY*~ is the best way to assert their parental control? That makes as much sense as Terri faking a pregnancy to keep her husband, but um okay.

Meanwhile, Kurt has been receiving sorta cute and sorta creepy love notes from a “secret admirer”. Naturally, he thinks they are delivered by Blaine, because it’s totally the type of cheesy romantic shit that his boyfriend would do, not to mention it would make all the Klaine fans moist their panties. However, Kurt soon finds out that he has a different secret admirer in a gorilla suit…

Karofsky: ILU Kurt. Let’s get married. ^_^

*fangasm*

Dave Karofsky comes to the realization that he’s in love with Kurt, and they’re meant to be together like an ideal Kurofsky fanfic with a happy ending. Unfortunately, these feelings aren’t reciprocated. Kurt is forced to dump a guy on Valentine’s Day because he’s still in love with Blaine or whatever. *rolls eyes*

Ugh. Fucking Blaine Anderson. He is the absolute worst. That motherfucker manages to ruin everything even when he’s absent from the episode!

Karofsky: I hope you like the candies. The butterscotch ones are my favourites. ;_;

*omgheartbreaking4ever*

Forget the Glee kids going into college. I’m so ready for Dave Karofsky to have his own spin-off TV program as he comes to terms with his sexuality and navigates the bear life with fabulous musical numbers. Give Max Adler his own show already. Who’s with me?

Unfortunately, their intimate conversation was overheard by a classmate in Karofsky’s new school, which isn’t good news for the still closeted gay teen. D: D: D:

(btw plz let Nick be another repressed gay homophobe who goes on his own ~*journey*~ and eventually hooks up with Dave in Season 4. Or better yet, he can join the TV spinoff.)

Please tell me I’m not the only one who misheard Kurt saying “We just bummed into each other.” I know my ears tend to hear things gayer than what is actually said, but I swear that’s what it sounds like Kurt was saying.

The episode ends with Sugar’s Valentine’s Day party going off without a hitch. I lurve Sugar’s character because she’s sweet, silly, a little ditzy, and most importantly – she’s genuinely funny. All her scenes make me feel ^_^ which is what the minor characters in Glee should do.

I kinda wish they took this direction with Brittany’s character too, instead of turning her into a braindead imbecile who’s incapable of forming a coherent thought. Like seriously, does Brittany even do anything anymore besides sucking faces with Santana? I know I rag on the other characters a lot, but she has disappointed me the most in this season. :(

Joe: Santana Lopez asked me if the God Squad would sing a love song for Brittany S. Pearce. And after thinking and praying about it, I knew there was only one right answer. Absolutely! Love is love, man.

Pfft. Like there was any doubt at all. As if Glee would miss an opportunity not to perform a song that they could sell and make money on the iTunes store.

The God Squad performs some kind of Cherish/Cherish mesh-up because wordplays are musical, yo. The four of them actually sound pretty good together, especially in harmonies, so I wouldn’t mind hearing them more often on the show.

Oh relax, Rory. It’s not like you’re the first guy in the world who lied just to get into a girl’s pants.

WTF is Artie doing at the party!? SUGAR SAID NO SINGLE LOSERS ALLOWED. GTFO!!!

BTW, do you remember that horrible storyline where Puck hooked up with his high school teacher and proclaimed she was the love of his life? I do, but I don’t think Puck does anymore. So glad to see him still dabbling in older women though.

Oh, Blaine is back btw. Did you really think they would film a Valentine’s Day episode without the resident teenage heartthrob Blaine Anderson? Those tween girls watching this show would have fucking rebelled! (They might have already though, since this was apparently one of the lowest rated episodes for the season. *lolpwnt*)

BTW let’s capitalize on Whitney Houston’s death and pay tribute to her in a one-second title card so that we can get more publicity for this episode! I see what you did there, Glee!

(I’m such a cynical and jaded bitch. *lol*)

I’m in a loving mood today, so let me list all the things I lurve about this show. In conclusion:

1.) Sugar is awesome. I will always love Sugar.
2.) Rory is also awesome. I will always love Rory.
3.) Karofsky is too awesome. I will always love Karofsky.
4.) …and that’s pretty much the extent of my love for Glee. Everything else is give and go.

14 Responses

AnonymousFebruary 20, 2012 /

Blaine is like the Ezra of Glee, he's boring, his love interest is better without him but the teenage girls fucking love him -_-. And I actually started watching Glee because of Darren, but his voice is nothing special (pretty weak) and I don't get why he sings so much.I kinda ship Kurt/Sebastian cause it would bring back Kurt's Season 1 awesomeness but the best ships never happen on this show.

If Blaine is Ezra, does that make Kurt the Aria in their relationship? He does have the tendency to make ARIA EYES O_O on occasions.

The more they put Blaine on a pedestal, the less appealing he becomes to me. I think his novelty wore off ever since that Warbler uniform came off, but the show is still riding on that “Teenage Dreams” hype from eons ago. I also think they're restricted from developing his character (especially giving him some much needed edge) in fear of upsetting his legions of fans + Darren is a bit limited in terms of range. There are so many things wrong with his character, and it's like I *want* to like him, but I can't.

Sebastian and Kurt have a great antagonistic relationship going on, and I hope the show continues developing that too.

LeoFebruary 21, 2012 /

OMG! I thought you will never recap Glee! I'm dying of happiness now LOL! And yes, the only good thing from the episode is Kurtofsky moment!Blaine, urghh, just saying his name ruins my mood. We're on the same page about Blaine. I'm looking for one episode WITHOUT him, is that too much to ask dear writers?p.s.: They probably forget the fact that Tina is absent in half the “Michael” episode (which you have yet to recap :P)p.p.s: Lord RE, please do recaps of Glee regularly? ;_;

Ah, I don't think I can handle recapping Glee on a regular basis, just because this show gets on my last nerve. I kinda hate Glee, but I also can't stop watching it, so I use these recaps to vent out my frustrations. Besides, Glee is very thin on plots and jokes these days, so I can get away with condensing a whole bunch of episodes at once and do one massive multi-episode recap.

p.s. blainesux

LeoFebruary 22, 2012 /

A part of me just died because you're not recapping Glee on regular basis. RIP! I agreed though, Glee is just so ridiculous and thin on plots but I still can't stop loving it! Lol.Multi-episode recap will be nice! ;)

I'm kinda (kinda-very) pissed that the writers completely forgot (or purposely ignored) the Sam/Rory bromance from the X-Mas episode, where they SPECIFICALLY mentioned a Valentine's day sponsor thing that could've possibly led to a lonely “let's explore our sexuality with one another” scene and yet, they don't even acknowledge each others existence. Hell, Sam even (slightly) helped with Artie's plight to win Sugar over.

I'm actually kinda amazed at all the anti-Blaine sentiment here, because I thought he'd be a lot more popular with most viewers. I guess either we're more vocal, or there're many of us who grew tired of his schtick.

AnonymousFebruary 29, 2012 /

Serial.If Glee continues to neglect Sam and Rory's broship, I swear, I will unleash the pack of velociraptors I genetically engineered on the writers room. Super serial.

AnonymousFebruary 24, 2012 /

You should do a whole recap of all the Klaine moments because the whole thing is just so fucking ridiculous and I don't know what show are Klainers watching and why everyone loves them and argh.