As Good As It Gets

There have been numerous studies showing that human beings are not naturally monogamous animals. We don’t need anthropologists and sociologists to tell us this. And it isn’t just the astronomical divorce rate in the States that indicates people are not necessarily meant to mate for life. The only thing we know to be true is that nothing stays the same. People change, get sick, fall in love, leave in order to pursue a deferred dream, or simply bail out and disappear for a while. Our puritanical view of a life-long partnership is an idealistic vision particular to Americans, since it seems in most other countries infidelities are tolerated or forgiven more often or simply accepted. Here, it’s the ultimate betrayal and shattering of the illusion of love. Love and sex however, in the animal kingdom, of which we are a part, are great when they go together, but they seldom do.

The problem arises when people decide to have children, because the emotional collateral of a broken relationship or marriage affects children and their need for stability in order to grow into confident, healthy adults. In most cases, women end up raising the children from these itinerant unions because we are the nurturing ones, we bear the children, and there just seems to be an inherent responsibility for mothers to stay with them.

Knowing this and knowing I wanted a child, I circumvented the whole daddy scenario. I won’t be disingenuous. If I had met a man who was my best friend as well as my lover, I would have mated the traditional way, but that is not what happened. And so when choosing to have a child on my own, I did not have to consider asking an ex-boyfriend or a gay friend to knock me up. I didn’t want to tie my life to someone else, or risk any future paternity issues. So I opted for an anonymous donor.

Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha’s new book Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality, investigates early human sexuality in hunter and gatherer societies, making the well-known argument that it wasn’t until sedentary, agricultural communities planted roots (forgive the pun) that humans became concerned with property and who would inherit it. Suddenly paternity became a matter of prosperity. Similarly, marriage was created as a way of uniting properties and increasing wealth. Women could not own property and were considered property themselves, along with the land they transferred from their family to their husband through the institution of marriage. It isn’t surprising that the Spanish word for wife, esposa, is also the word for handcuffs.

Actually, only within the last century have women been in a position to marry for love. And this notion of love has become inextricably tied to marriage and, by extension, monogamy. I am not proposing open marriages or relationships; I am simply stating the facts of human nature. Modern culture sees marriage dogmatically, not realistically. It’s not a bad thing to want to build a life with someone you love, to want to devote yourself to one person and create a family. This is the American Dream in a sense. But a dream it is indeed, and we need to remain cognizant of the latter part: creating a family. Because once a partner strays in our society, the marriage is doomed.

Perhaps the solution therefore is to go into a committed relationship or marriage as friends first and foremost. Friends treat each other respectfully, don’t expect perfection, allow failure, and work together when there are disagreements. And in the event that they go their separate ways, they have usually built years of tolerance for each other so that an amount of respect filters the severance. In this scenario, if children are involved in the separation, they can at least be dispensed of feeling at fault, used as pawns, forced to choose whose side they’re on, or any such other avoidable detrimental impositions. Sure, the family unit will be different, but it doesn’t have to become volatile or unstable.

I began dating after a two-year hiatus and all the issues of love and trust and marriage are coming into play. My number one priority is my son, but I have my own needs. What I’ve found is that following my heart instead of my head is a new thing. If I had followed my head I would never have had my son on my own. There were too many reasons not to. My heart will lead me to a relationship built from a friendship and I am finding, whether it is life-long or not, that is as good as it gets.

Comments

Thrilled to have you on board. Great story and I hope to hear many more about your elation of single motherhood and your struggles. Thanks for taking me up on my invitation. You are a great addition to The Next Family.

I think the cultural idealization of monogomous romantic love is part of the reason why I’m over 40 and still single; even as a pre-teen I fantasized endlessly about celebrities and the hottest boys at school (my favorite TV show as a kid was “The Love Boat”, after all!). I wanted the kind of head-over-heels, enduring, easy love that never ceases to fill TV and movie screens and books. I guess that’s why they call it fiction! I’m sure there are some lucky people out there who have found it for themselves, but how many others are out there who want it but can’t seem to find it? And how do we deal with the reality that relationships are hard work, full of ups and downs and compromises?

I was one of the lucky ones who grew up with parents and with relatives who almost all married young and stayed married in *seemingly* happy marriages; however, decades later, several of those marriages have fallen apart or at least have become less than ideal (including that of my parents), and I’ve since learned that there is much more than meets the eye to most relationships. But even though I’m well aware of the pitfalls of romanticizing the ideal relationship, I continue to do so, clinging to the dream world created in my youth rather than facing reality.

At this point in time, finding a romantic/sexual partner is not a high priority, given that I’m also a single mother of a baby and very busy between working full-time at a demanding job and taking care of my daughter. But I do wonder about the future, when my daughter is a little older and needs less of my time and attention, and I will desire the company of others. I hope that I will be able to look past my fantasies and just accept someone for who they are.

I appreciate your honesty. I know, it’s difficult to de-brainwash ourselves after being inundated by media/fiction about “the one.” I really liked your goal for when you’re not so busy raising your baby and may start looking for love; to “accept someone as they are.” It sounds simple. I think it is simple; it’s just complicated for people and takes practice. Good Luck!

I’ve been married twice, thinking that I had found “love” and both times that love turned into something else. Needless to say, I’ve now been divorced twice. In retrospect, I really wish I had just found a really good friend and just shared my life with him. Great talks, fun times, less fights, who could ask for more? Sounds ideal to me. Now just tell that to my heart. Emotions are so strong and so hard to fight. Too bad we didn’t have a switch to turn them on and off at will. I thought your story was very good and you have an awesome perspective of life. Thanks for sharing!

I guess if we had a switch to turn our feelings on and off, life would be a joke. We wouldn’t take anything seriously because there’d be no consequences. Pain is the touchstone to growth, but it ain’t easy, is it?

This is a very interesting article! 🙂 I am always intrigued with social science and anthropology!

I agree with you that the solution to go into a relationship is that there be a friendship first. Most people are driven by the power of physical attraction and the idealized “person of their dreams” (whatever that ‘dream’ may be) heavily influenced by culture and the media. One tends to think with our heart when it comes to finding the person one wants to be with. Not until reality sets in though, do we realize that we also need to use our heads.

The societal pressure to have this “goo goo ga ga” marriage is also thrust upon us, so when people think they “need to get married”, they stop making good judgements and will do what it takes to fit into the societal mold of ‘getting hitched’ or what not. We put far too much pressure on ourselves that we force an issue and not “let things fall into place”.

We lack contentment on our state of being. If we are single, we want to get married and fast. If we are married, and we are irritated by the other person, we immediately desire to take the easy road and bolt for divorce court. The grass is always greener on the other side…but you still have to cut the grass!

With age also comes maturity. When we are young, everything is “new” and “exciting”. We want “adventure” or someone to “make us happy”, when we are too immature to really know what “we want”. The problem isn’t that there is the “one” to find “out there”…but that we first need to “find ourselves”.

We at (the arbitrary number that culture imposes on us) 18, are really too young and stupid to know who and what we are. We are naturally selfish beings. Young guys want the conquest, young women want the “idealized” lover. So when responsibility is put upon us (such as child rearing, marriage, etc), we choose the easy route and this is why the numbers of divorce are so high.

Another thing is that our English language for the word “love” is seriously lacking. In the Greek, there are four different words for “love”. (I’d refer you to the book by C.S. Lewis, ‘the Four Loves’ as a treatise on this subject). So when we read about love, we are unable to describe love or think its usually the “eros” form of it, when marriage is much more than just eros.

I really like what C.S. Lewis wrote in his book “The Weight of Glory” (paragraph 1, ch. 1):

“If there lurks in most modern minds the notion that to desire our own good and earnestly to hope for the enjoyment of it is a bad thing, I submit that this notion has crept in from Kant and the Stoics and is no part of the Christian faith. Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”

If I could highlight the above quote, this is what stands out in my mind whenever I see my young teen or those in shows like “The Hills” think when they think about love and relationships:

“our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us”

Our media and popular culture give us only these images, the “goo goo ga ga” and sex, but there is more to it than those simple pleasures, and no, I am not disparaging those wonderful things, but life is more than those two components *alone*.

We are also such creatures of extremes. You have the other side (those “damn puritans”) who shun things altogether. Both extremes are wrong. There are good things (and relationships) in life, and as it says, “seek and ye shall find”. Like gold, we must dig and work at finding it. its not easy, but we are impatient beings wanting things “now”. It is easy to find data that would disparage good relationships. yes, there are many, many bad relationships, but its not being in a relationship that is the problem, the problem is us. we are simply selfish creatures. Its easier for the social scientists to be cynical about relationships when we can point to “statistics” showing that. But as anyone can tell you, statistics can be bent however way we want to show it.

Just like having labor…it takes work to be in true love. And “love” is not simplistic and always going to be idealized. Such as having a child. Love isn’t just those happy moments when the baby is happy and running about. There are also those times when you are cleaning up their vomit in the midst of sickness or what not. We idealize in our minds with lofty images that society wishes were true (like the movies) and its not always the case.

sometimes we do have to “turn on” love. Love is also a sacrifice. We die to our selves to love another person…and by definition, that would be “true” love, but because of language, we only express the word in 2 dimensions, when in reality…there are 4. ;0)

That quote about being “too easily pleased” is fascinating. I sign of our complacency. But the other side of the coin, which I often suffer from, is too high of expectations. Neither a recipe for a nurturing a good relationship. I agree with your societal pressures comment as well. But, I do think that if you are going to get married, you should feel “goo gaga” about that person. Otherwise, what’s the point?