Nonsense

As something of a political geek and a total loser, I’m often attempting to befriend journalists and insiders who might treat me to some governmental gossip. Over a few drinks, they’ll humour me with things they’ve learned that, for one reason or another, haven’t made it into the public domain. I find this kind of tittle-tattle incredibly stimulating and for that reason I am no longer welcome in several London pubs.

Some of these Westminster whispers (also the title of my Boris Johnson erotic fanfiction) are totally believable – the suggestion that Michael Gove has been largely absent from this election because he has been returned to the wood elves comes to mind – whereas others are totally ludicrous – the rumour that Jeremy Corbyn has bought a third suit smacks of fantasy.

Last night, after studying his Twitter and Facebook feeds to monitor his movements, I randomly bumped into a young Guardian columnist at an Islington pub. The writer and activist, who I shall henceforth anonymise said something to me that simply didn’t add up. ‘I think Theresa May really wants to win this thing’ Jones Owen told me.

I was poised to dismiss Jones’ suggestion as yet another craft beer Corbynista conspiracy but suddenly he did something very strange. Jones scanned the pub before surreptitiously opening his messenger bag. ‘Look’, he said and passed to me a binder labelled Theresa May’s Diary. I was shocked.

‘How did you …?’ But when I looked up he was gone. Vanished. ‘How odd’, I thought. Then I noticed he was actually just leaving, having returned his empty Punk IPA bottle to the bar.

On his way out, Jones gave me a look which seemed to say, ‘Please selectively edit and publish extracts of this document. I know your largely dormant blog will provide a better platform for this explosive material than the Guardian ever could.’

It is a request I now intend to honour.

—

18th May – Conservative Manifesto Launch: A total success

This was my opportunity to bring my brand to the people and it couldn’t have gone better. For years, my party has been accused of pandering to over 60s at the expense of the young. I am the woman who has ended that. By introducing a death tax (the papers seem to have gone with ‘dementia tax’ but in a way that’s even better) I’ve proven that I’m not only mercilessly tough on the young but also on the old. The Iron Lady mark 2! Giant majority, here I come.

19th May – Strong and stable wins the race

I’ve come under a lot of criticism for my dementia tax. The country will soon see that clawing extra money from the deceased is a far fairer way to fund social care than a small increase in corporation tax. Those suggesting I row back will be ignored. The lady is not for turning!

22nd May

I have decided a partial U-turn on my social care policy is the best course of action.

31st May – Leaders’ Debate: A superhuman performance

People have started to doubt whether I’m strong or stable enough to deliver the Brexit that Britain needs. This is worrying. I am at my strongest when calling for the total withdrawal from the European single market that so many British exporters are crying out for. Unable to win them over with this strength, I have decided that at tonight’s leaders’ debate, I will show off a new power. Invisibility. I will be omnipresent (and constantly talked about) without actually appearing. A foolproof plan!

1st June – Time to bring Boris back?

The public don’t really seem to be getting my brand. I’m a responsible Conservative who won’t be drawn on figures. I’m a visionary that won’t answer questions. I am strong and stable but also highly amenable to pressure from my own party, the right-wing press and just about everyone else. What is is about this that they are struggling with? Jeremy Corbyn is consistently promising them everything and I am promising NOTHING. What’s not to like?!

—

Back in the pub, I stared at the diary. It was true, Theresa May really did want to win this election.

Earlier this week, David Cameron announced that his government’s cuts to public services would be permanent. In a rousing speech, the Prime Minister made the case for a smaller state. Cameron decided to call time on a government that spends taxpayers’ money so frivolously.

Where did he announce his vision for a “leaner, more efficient state”? At a white-tie state banquet of course! Funded by taxpayers. Surrounded by gold. Next to a throne.

It’s an approach that some have criticised. Snitty, sarcastic bloggers have complained that a man who tells the general public to make do with a thrifty NHS, whilst enjoying a lavish banquet at their expense is ‘beyond satire’.

But not this one. This one admires the fucking cheek of it.

Over the course of a single evening, David Cameron has taken the maxim, “do as I say, not as I do”, to dizzying new heights. By refusing to concern himself with entirely justified charges of hypocrisy and general twattery, he has given himself licence to do just about anything he pleases.

The Prime Minister could now give a speech on the evils of gambling from a Las Vegas casino or espouse the merits of public transport from a private helicopter. But what he really needs to do is take on binge drinking from a Wetherspoons.

When I say take on binge drinking, I don’t mean actually do anything to help those addled by alcoholism – because that would cost money. I am simply suggesting that the Prime Minister lecture those that he represents. From a pub.

Just imagine, a slightly shitfaced David Cameron looking into the camera, and exclaiming without the slightest sense of irony, “Britons need to drink less”, before nearly falling off his chair. The event would go down as a (literally) staggering triumph of hypocrisy.

The media would be out in force. In an interview with Sky News, the Prime Minister would extensively list the beers, wines and spirits he wanted to see the country drinking less of. With a microphone in one hand and a bottle of Lambrini in the other, the message would be crystal clear.

Some will no doubt balk at my suggestion. And perhaps they are right to. It is true that I am unlikely to become a Tory spin doctor any time soon. But Christmas is coming and throughout the festive period many Britons will consume their own bodyweight in booze. So what better time to launch this campaign for a “leaner” consumption of alcohol?

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