Last week the price of gas forced us to switch cars, and now instead of driving around in our mammoth SUV we’re folding our bodies to fit inside the two-door 2000 Honda Civic that has been parked for months inside our garage. It is a car I could fit in my front pocket. We tried this about two years ago and gave up after a few months because of the subsequent back aches, but this time we’ve promised ourselves that we’d give it a more hearty go. For me that meant we had to recharge its ailing air conditioning unit, but for Jon this meant we had to upgrade its stereo. That right there is a pretty clear delineation of our varying priorities, that I would prefer the family not die of heat and he’d prefer that if we did at least we’d go out keeping it real.

So we had the air conditioning fixed, and that has helped the temperature of the car somewhat, as much as you can help a car that is jet black and so full of tall human bodies that in order to breathe air we have to suck it through a straw poking out the top of the window. I actually think the weak air conditioning is a bit of an environmentally friendly feature because it makes us want to drive less. Do we really need those groceries? If it means I have to sit through that twenty-minute red light on Foothill Dr. and bake my internal organs, then nah, let’s have some of that canned sauerkraut. Again. What will Leta eat? A bowl of ketchup.

But then Jon had a new stereo installed, one that I did not approve beforehand, which is basically like saying to a kid, look, here’s my checkbook, go to the mall and pick out a toy. And that kid comes home with a pony.

He described the stereo to me in certain terms that did not give me any idea as to what he had installed, and I did not realize the staggering magnitude of it until I had gone to check our mailbox and needed to put a few boxes in the trunk. There I am in the parking lot of an outdoor mall, a stack of boxes about to tumble out of my spindly arms, when I finally jigger open the trunk with the tip of my foot and sitting there is a seven-by-fourteen-foot subwoofer.

Yes, the subwoofer is bigger than the car.

I mumble a few inappropriate adjectives under my breath on the ride home, storm into the house and go, WHAT IS THAT COFFIN DOING IN OUR TRUNK?

And he’s all, baby! BABY!

And I’m all, CALLING ME BABY IS NOT GOING TO SAVE YOU.

So he prepares an hour-long PowerPoint presentation on the advantages of The Subwoofer That Could Eat Moby Dick, and I sit through it and nod and ask him if it helps him sleep better at night knowing that he could churn butter just by setting a jug of milk on the hood of the car while listening to Bob Marley on the stereo. A CAR BUILT FOR HOBBITS.

He assures me that because of this stereo he will not ever be tempted to take the SUV anywhere, so I half-heartedly chalk this up to a victory for the environment. At least, I did until the first morning that I took Leta to school with the new stereo, and because he had satellite radio worked into the new unit and I could now listen to My Stories, I got to listen to a fifteen-minute investigative report on Napoleon’s penis, how it was cut off when he died and then passed around in a decorative box for hundreds of years until it ended up in the historical collection of an eccentric, and then wouldn’t you know, when the journalist finally saw it he described it as looking like a wee piece of beef jerky.

When I got home I walked in the door, plodded over to Jon who was compiling in iTunes a bass-heavy iPod playlist for driving, and told him I forgave him. And when he asked why I said because of Napoleon’s penis.

I made a powerpoint presentation to my parents when I had to tell them I would be cohabitating years ago. It was 10 slides describing the top 10 things that could be worse than the news I had to tell them.

Sara

not to sound too ignorant, but is that true about Napoleon’s penis? I might have to google it.

http://carolynonline.blogspot.com carolyn

Napolean would freak out if he knew people in the future were calling his tool “wee.”

http://www.bodaciousgirl.com Heather

Does anyone else see the irony in this? The price of gas is almost exactly one dollar more today then it was at this time last year. So if your SUV has an 18 gallon tank, to fill it is 18 dollars extra.

So to get the AC recharged and upgrade the stereo system that also included a 14 foot sub woofer… hold on doing the math doing the math… you will need to drive for about 4 years in your clown car to break even.

This sure is a crazy world we live in.

If it weren’t for the Napoleon penis line I would have to come to Utah and shake you.

BTW I counted 69 references to penis up to my comment. You are officially porn.

http://velvetverbosity.com Velvet Verbosity

It’s a really good thing y’all didn’t decide to go with mopeds like a lot of folks seem to be doing. I would hate to see what kind of freakish add-ons Jon would’ve tried there.

Myself? I just bought a bicycle. So there. My doing good for the environment just kicked your doing good for the environment’s ass.

http://shoelessruth.blogspot.com/ court

my favorite part of your post is not the hobbit car or you being more environmentally friendly, but that you included the word “jigger”. once a southerner always a southerner!

http://www.boocaru.com Boocara

We had to do the same thing, downsize our beloved toyota FJ – which doesn’t even guzzle as much gas as a Tahoe. We settled on a sexy, sexy Subaru. See why…

You should consider trading in the SUV for a Honda Element. The gas mileage is almost as good as the civic, and it’s a great car for dogs. The biggest downside is the ‘suicide doors’ which make it hard to get into the back seat if you’re parked close to another car.

I’ve had an Element for six years, and I love it! The ugly exterior grows on you once you’ve driven it a few times. So roomy!

Ashley

Uhh…maybe it’s just the older Civics that are small, because my 2008 has more than enough leg/head room for my 6’4″ husband. Otherwise, this just doesn’t compute to me at all.

http://texas2tennesse.blogspot.com Laura

This post reminded me once again how grateful I am to be a Lesbian, not that I don’t embrace and celebrate your hetero-ness.

Patrick

Damn you and your great writing. Why can’t I take mundane, everyday spousal diplomatic relations and weave it all into some stream of amber verbiage that cascades down HTML? I have an idea for you third book…

Thanks for all the great posts!

http://daddyisaninja.blogspot.com/ Brian

Jesus that is classic. I hope he doesn’t end up blasting the bumper or the license plate or the muffler off of that whip when Xzibit’s “Motherfucker” starts bumping.

And count your blessings on any AC at all. My Jeep Wrangler quarter-lif-crisis purchase is making me feel like the stupidest, sweatiest 32-year-old alive this Summer.

http://amyrollo.com/brookland AmyBaby

City living = no driving. However, I’m about 3 feet tall so when I do get one, it will be a mini-coop. Charlize Theron Italian Job style. With the bass booming.

http://www.creative-soup.blogspot.com Brooke

oh my word, i am still laughing….the mental picture of this whole fiasco is KILILNG ME!!!

http://kimblahg.com kimblahg

So is Leta going to make you listen to Disney Radio on the bitchin’ new stereo? Disney Princess songs bumpin’ that 808!

and now i’m listening to the NPR story about napoleon’s penis. thanks, dooce. always enlightening.

Andrea

Honda should pay me for what I am about to say: You NEED a Honda FIT, small on the outside, big on the inside. A giant could sit in the back seat and never touch the front seat. It is like Mary Poppins carpet bag. We have been driving ours for a year and I LOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVEEEE it!!!! I think everyone should have one.

http://twelvekindsofcrazy.blogspot.com/ Tina

You called them “My Stories.” I love it. My grandmom used to say that. My grandpop called them his “programs” except he pronounced it “progrums.”

http://www.maxxsmadness.blogspot.com madness

Please dont let it out that men really CAN be forgiven for just about damn near anything by using their penis! oh shit.. did i say that out loud? its true though. Ask Maxx.

http://www.wrathofdawn.blogspot.com Dawn

“…because of Napolean’s penis.”

I shall use that as my explanation for EVERYTHING forthwith.

http://www.undomesticdiva.com Undomestic Diva

I can’t tell you how many times Candy Ass and my marriage has been saved because of Napolean’s penis.

http://www.sensiblysassy.blogspot.com Sarah

I am at work on hold with an insurance company with the worlds worst hold music-EVER! You story made me laugh and forget that I was using minutes of my life on hold.
Thanks for that

Kristin

I’m not sure if I’m over medicated today or if this is the funniest shit I’ve read from you in awhile? Bravo!! Keep it up. Y’all make a great team.

http://www.megabite.com Rochelle

I imagine that given Napolean’s height, even alive and attached it probably looked like a wee bit of beef jerky.

(somehow appropriate that my captcha is lowed membered)

http://thehokeypokeyiswhatitsallabout.blogspot.com/ Sharon

You just made me Google Napoleon’s Penis. I don’t know whether to love you or hate you for that.

http://www.lovemaegan.com …loveMaegan

this: “at least we’d go out keeping it real.”

is hilarious and so true

…however, does the extra added weight of the subwoofer add to the amount of gas you use? I thought you could use that in an argument against Jon, but you already forgave him.

Anu

I totally agree. Napolean’s penis or any penis for that matter is a good enough a reason to forgive Jon

http://www.squidoo.com/blogginghussie That Blogging Hussie!

OHH EM GEE…I am dying over here. Kudos to you for thinking about the environment and kudos to Jon for the great material!

http://maggiemaeupdates.com erin

i love that you are saving money on all the gas you are not using so you can buy a honkin stereo! did i just say honkin?

senga

These shots of Chuck in wigs are priceless- how he doesn’t snap and season you with olive oil and lemon pepper and tear all the skin from your body I’ll never know. What a patient guy. His wig portraits bring to mind a company that makes glamour wigs for cats, cat-sized to boot, at kittywigs dot com. Lordy, they are not even ironic about it!

Emma

Heather,

I never post comments and am only posting to this entry because you’ve closed the comments to your latest newsletter.

I’m actually posting a comment to an entry I haven’t even bothered to read.

But I just wanted to say, my face is wet with tears from your latest newsletter. Such a beautiful and poignant message to your daughter.

http://misha-pooh.blogspot.com misha

i just heard your interview and i cried a few times, but in the good way. is that in anyway a normal reaction?

MustangSally

I double-dog dare you to pull up next to one of those jacked up bouncing hotrods blaring gangsta-rap from their thousand dollar stereo systems and crank up the NPR or dead dicktator (sorry, couldn’t resist) story on YOUR thousand dollar stereo system. Heh. Unless you don’t have any of those “Fast & the Furious” wannabe’s in SLC? Or Randi Rhodes. She’s on satellite now, I think. You’d like her.

http://everedstone.blogspot.com/ eve

Did Leta not have questions on the radio progeam, I can imagine my lot in the car ” Mummy, mummy, whats a Napoleon?’

http://vintagethirty.blogspot.com/ Tootsie Farklepants

My husband drives a natural gas Honda Civic and the trunk is already compromised by the location of the gas tank. The space that remains houses an enormous woofer (sub woofer? whatever a woofer of some sort). Men. Apparently testosterone causes hard of hearingness.

http://www.mamalife.blogpsot.com Lisa

In our house the Honda Civic is the LARGE car – we also have a Honda Fit! Now THAT is a car you can fit in your pocket!

http://www.thegirlwholearnedtokneel.com Rebecca

Honda Civic 2004, baby…and a baby on the way. On the up side–it drives your ‘stuff’ quotient down and helps eliminate choice. If the stroller doesn’t fit in the trunk and leave room for groceries, it’s too big. I won’t pretend I don’t get SUV envy…but it’s all balanced by my feelings of superiority when we’re at the pump together.

The goodie in our trunk is not nearly as fun…my husband installed a metal box in which we store our laptops. Supposedly the box is saving us from nasty laptop plunderers! I give him credit for ingenuity…then I move on to irritation at our reduced trunk space.

Maybe I’ll start growing herbs in the box…trunk herbs. I like it.

Lanie H.

To commenter #171,

I read quite a bit of the blog in Dooce’s text ad (Wife in the Fast Lane) out of curiosity, and Kristi, the woman in question, seems to be a very loving and doting mother to her little girl who’s around Leta’s age I believe. Her blog might actually be more about her daughter than this one is about Miss Leta (hard to fathom, that!)

Having a life that most of us don’t even bother to dream about is no protection from crapola. Kristi has one of those nasty MRSA bugs that we’ve all heard about (antibiotic-resistant staph infection) and she has to spend hours a day on IVs that make her horribly sick. She’s been battling this for years and had to have reconstructive surgery because it ate part of her nasal cavity (shudder). With all that, she still seems to funnel a lot of time and energy into her family.

I did have the same reaction as you to the bit of crowing over the oil price – ugh. But EVERY issue has its winners along with its losers. It’s just the nature of things. In smaller ways each of us has probably benefited at someone else’s expense from time to time. And really, what would we have these particular barons do – unilaterally take themselves out of business? (Not crowing would be fine, though. Except from their pet rooster, that is.)

Hi, Heather. Long time listener, first time caller.
The better half and I traded in a “relatively fuel efficient” (for its size) Hyundai Santa Fe for a Toyota Matrix. It didn’t do that much better. A few months ago we traded that in for a brand new Yaris. I do a lot of city driving and it gets around 35mpg. Of course, the smartcar is better than a hybrid because it doesn’t have that nasty corrosive battery in it, and won’t cost a few grand to get it replaced. It’s a fun little car, and I recommend it to anyone. And it’s a shitload more comfortable than a Civic. Those make my back hurt, too.

Stephanie

I have been down on SUVs for years, but now, I cannot even imagine what is going through a person’s head when they buy one. Seriously. Oh hey, I have a ton of cash burning a hole in my bank account, why don’t I buy this SUV so I can make the oil companies richer and destroy the planet??

http://moumou.ca/ Rebecca

i like how you managed to use the word “jigger”

http://www.aliceqfoodie.com Alice Q. Foodie

They really are all the same, aren’t they? Congrats on finishing your manuscript!!

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