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Is coconut oil just for rubbing on your titties, or is it truly a ‘superfood’?

Coconut oil. So many people are balls deep in this shit, banging it in smoothies and what-not, and touting it as a ‘superfood’. Should they be?

Let’s get one of the most important points out of the way: it tastes fucking delicious. Obscenely delicious. Like, crazy, fucking delicious. That’s pretty much why I use it. End point.

But coconut oil isn’t anything that special, it’s just a fat, and mostly saturated fat, which has about as good a rap as Biebs (although modern research is suggesting saturated fat is not a fucking villain after all, so you can cool your jets over that. Meanwhile, Biebs continues to prove he’s a complete toss-bag). Studies are showing that although it contains mostly saturated fats, coconut oil has a positive effect on blood cholesterol by increasing HDL levels. HDLs remove excess cholesterol from the tissues and carry it to that legendary liver, who then converts the cholesterol into bile salts (which enter your digestive tract, help break down fats, and then get shat out). That’s why they’re winners. LDLs do the opposite thing – they transport cholesterol to tissues where they can be used to synthesise cell membranes and steroids and what-not. That’s all great, but when levels of LDLs are excessive, the LDLs start bogging the cholesterol any old fucking place – like your precious arteries. This makes the arteries narrow and gooey, increasing your risk of heart disease (or your heart completely shitting itself and you being very sick or very dead). Not good. That’s why LDLs are generally considered cunts.

So besides being ok for the heart, coconut oil contains mostly medium chain fatty acids which are easy for the body to utilise as energy. Some of those are called lauric acid, and these are the chums which have some anti-viral, anti-bacterial and anti-fungal effects. Excellent. But eating arseloads of lauric acid in coconut form is not going to fucking cure AIDS or TB or chronic, oozing vaginal thrush on their own, so calm the fuck down.

Also, coconut oil is simply shithouse when it comes to essential fatty acids. It contains only small amounts of linoleic acid (omega-6 fatty acids) and zero linolenic acid (omega-3 fatty acids). So that is the opposite of excellent. But if it is part of a varied diet containing other fats that contain omega-3 fatty acids, then it’s no biggie.

I sound like I’m being a bit of a jerk to coconut oil. Sorry coconut oil, you’re not a loser, but you’re not a superfood so take off that ridiculous gold star badge, you are embarrassing yourself. Be consoled though, dear coco, that there are no oils that are perfect. Olive has little omega-3 and is unstable (not like Lindsay Lohan unstable, I mean it chemically. Oh wait.. that still kind of works for poor old Linds). Palm oil is out, as its trade kills fucking orangutans like some sort of unstoppable, cuntful rebel force, and man those little orange dudes are cute, so we simply cannot have that. It’s also associated with heart disease – fuck that. Canola oil is no saint either, despite the promises on its packaging – it’s extraction uses heat resulting in a processed, partially oxidised (ie. rancid) oil which increases inflammation. Damn you greasy kings of the tastebuds, damn you all.

So, in summary, coconut is not a superfood, but it’s not a syphilitic cock either. It’s a welcome PART of your diet. Having a salad? Don’t be silly, don’t use coconut oil like a fuck-knuckle. Use a liquid oil like macadamia or olive. But if you’re making Shannon’s Chocolate Salty Balls, well then, for fuck’s sake, get the coconut oil out. Coconut oil has some excellent properties, but let’s not be silly sausages – we must also give a respective nod to avocado, oily fish, nuts, and flaxseeds.

The more I research nutrition, the more I realise, it comes down to simple bloody variety.

I really don’t understand why people who get butthurt over rich descriptive language bother to castigate you, Shannon. I have a gut feel that you are not going to do a 180 and stop saying cunt because they assert that you should.