Joke of the day

Every man needs a go-to joke.

Monday

Joke
N°
3899

The Golf Pro
A golf pro caught up with a threesome and asked if he could join them for the rest of the round. The guys agreed under one condition: that he would let them know what they were doing wrong. He agreed.
The first golfer told the pro that he had a bad slice. The pro told him to hit and he would analyze his swing. He proceeded to hit a major slice. He turned to the pro for advice and the pro informed him it was his LOFT.
The second golfer informed the pro that he had the opposite problem; a bad hook. He got on the tee and proceeded to hit this ugly duck hook. Looking to the pro for advise, he got the same advice as his friend. "It's your LOFT."
The third golfer, who was a big, burly guy, said that he really struggled with this part of the game. He took a big, aggressive swing and almost missed the ball. He topped it and it rolled about 100 yards down the middle. Looking to the pro for advice, he was told, it too, was his LOFT.
Finally, the first golfer turned to the pro: "What in the hell is going on. I sliced the ball, he hooked it and he topped it, and you said it was our LOFT, how can that be?"
The pro looked at the golfers and said, "LOFT stands for Lack Of Freaking Talent!" Jeff H.

Tuesday

Joke
N°
3905

The 5 Questions Most Feared By Men1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat in this?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question #1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. "Football." b. "Golf." c. "How fat you are." d. "How I would spend the insurance money if you died."
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"
Question #2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "Yes!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include: a. "Oh yeah, sh*tloads." b. "Would it make you feel better if I said yes?" c. "That depends on what you mean by love." d. "Does it matter?" e. "Who, me?"
Question #3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect answers are: a. "Compared to what?" b. "I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin." c. "A little extra weight looks good on you." d. "I've seen fatter." e. "Sorry, what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died."
Question #4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include: a. "Yes, but you have a better personality." b. "Not prettier, but definitely thinner." c. "Not as pretty as you when you were her age." d. "Define pretty." e. "Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died."
Question #5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Ferrari and a boat.")
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:
Woman: Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!
Woman: Why not -- don't you like being married?
Man: Of course I do.
Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Man: Okay, I'd get married again.
Woman: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)
Man: (audible groan)
Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Man: Where else would we sleep?
Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Man: She can't use them -- she's left-handed.
Woman: (silence)
Man: Sh*t. Alex G.

Wednesday

Joke
N°
3914

Hangover Ratings* 1-star hangover
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You sleep in your own bed and when you wake up, there are no traffic cones in there with you.
You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka and Red Bulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara.
Even vegetarians crave a cheeseburger and a basket of fries.
** 2-star hangover
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler.
The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast.
Although you have a nice demeanor at the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the Net and writing junk e-mail.
*** 3-star hangover
Slight headache. Stomach feels like crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive.
Anytime someone walks by your desk you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m.
Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a two-liter bottle of Coke, watching daytime TV.
You've had four cups of coffee, a gallon of water, two burritos, and a two-liter bottle of Diet Coke, yet you haven't peed once.
**** 4-star hangover
You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew.
Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.
You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks and can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving.
Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class, circa 1976.
You would give a week's pay for one of the following: home time, a doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a time machine so that you can go back to last night and change the fact that you went out.
You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.
***** 5-star hangover
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee sitting next to you.
Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.
You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth.
Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you.
You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body.
Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic.
You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe... very gently.
****** 6-star hangover
You arrive home and climb into bed.
Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi.
You get about two hours of sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up.
You notice that your bed has been cleared for takeoff and is flying relentlessly around the room.
No matter what you do now, you're going to vomit.
You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht, fully sailing. After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls, knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet.
If you are lucky, you remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls.
You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short-lived.
With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died down to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent.
You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion.
It is now dawn and you pass by your disgusted partner getting up for the day, as you try to climb into bed. She abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair.
You reluctantly accept her advice and take a shower. Work is simply not an option.
The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving.
You vow never to touch a drop of alcohol again, and who knows, for the next two or three hours you might even succeed. Jon T. Riley

Thursday

Joke
N°
3917

Lawyer JokesQ: Why was the lawyer skimming the Bible right before he died?
A: He was looking for loopholes!
Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.
Q: What do a lawyer and sperm have in common?
A: Both have about a 1 in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.
Q: Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers and clients from having sex?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service. Donnie Z.

Friday

Joke
N°
3920

Free Sex Contestants
Two men drove to a gas station because they heard about a contest offered by the station to clients who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.
"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," explained the attendant.
"How do we enter?" asked the first man.
"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10. If you guess right, you win free sex."
"Okay... I guess 7," said the first man.
"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."
The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.
"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10. If you guess right, you win free sex."
"2," said the second man.
"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."
As they walked back to the car, the first man said to his friend, "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."
"No way," said the second man. "My wife won twice last week." David M.

Saturday

Joke
N°
3923

How To Clean A Cat1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and lift both lids.
3. Take the cat and soothe him while you carry him toward the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape. Caution: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" that I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside, where he will dry himself.
Sincerely, the Dog Justin K.

Sunday

Joke
N°
3928

The Blonde's Medical Exam
A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully, with considerable appreciation.
"Miss Smith," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination." Jim B.