Saturday, January 7, 2012

How To: Have The Worst Night Ever

We've all had that night: your friends all turn into assholes, your lose something* and you drink entirely too much. God has granted us the serenity to know that we cannot change this, so accept it. Shitty nights happen, and they will continue to happen. Instead of fighting it, we here at Logic prefer remain one step ahead of fate. Why not take control of the situation and plan your worst night ever? What better than to turn it into a challenge** or a game***?

*wallet, phone, virginity, dignity, etc. **for all the other competetive assholes like ourselves. ***for the other perpetual children who won't do anything unless it's for fun.

HOW TO HAVE THE WORST NIGHT EVER:A Scavenger Game Our Logic scavenger games are a lot like life. The goal is to win (and, of course, cheating is always acceptable if you get away with it)

A night full of bad decisions starts with just one. In this case, it's the people you surround yourself with. If you hang out with....

+1 Drunk crying girl.
+1 Repressed homosexual who wants to fight.
+1 An ex that you still have feelings for/that still has feeling for you.*
-1 Designated driver.
-1 A caring, supportive friend.
-1 Anyone you actually like.

*These points do not count if you both still have feelings for each other. You guys are both sluts.

At this point it's time to starting drinking but all alcohol is not created equally.

+1 Whiskey and/or Tequila
+1 Four Loko
+1 Every time to you switch to a different alcohol
-1 Each glass of water*
-1 Anything that does not cause you to blackout before midnight.
-1 Every drink you have if the total at the end of the night is less than 7**.

*This includes before you went out. The goal here is to be dehydrated as fuck. Preferably, all you've eaten all day is a red bull and some doritos. **Because it's wasteful and irresponsible to drink without the intention of forgetting. Trust us, if it's the worst night ever, you're going to want to forget.

Now that you are drunk with a bunch of assholes*, where do you go next?

*You better also be acting like an asshole.

+2 Just go. Anywhere. Who cares or knows where. These points are not applicable if you know where you are going.
+1 Going to a packed place where you know no one and have no way of getting home
+1 An after hours party with less than 3 people. (Example: 3 sketchy Russians in hoodies you met on Hollywood Blvd with a bottle of gin.)
+1 Going home with someone disgusting looking. (+2 if you have good sex.)
-1 Going home.
-1 Going to an awesome party.
-1 Going home with someone incredible looking. (-2 if you have good sex.)

It is impossible for you night to be as bad as it can be without a little recreational drug use.

+1 Acid. (+2 if you've never tried it)
+1 Every line of coke you do after the sun comes up. (If you use NyQuil to fall asleep as a result, these points are no longer valid.)
+1 Any combination of drugs that cost you more than 50% of your current checking account balance. (+2 for overdrafting your account to buy drugs)
-1 Every drug that's there that you don't do. (-2 if the drugs are directly offered to you. -3 if they're free.)
-1 Taking a tylenol before going to sleep.
-1 For having a really great high.

All good things must come to end and now it is time to go home. This is a perfect opportunity to go home with a stranger because you are too lazy to try to figure out home to get home.

+1 Walking (+2 for walking barefoot.)
+1 Taking the bus. (+2 if you have ask for money to take the bus.)
+1 Attempting to drive home drunk and getting a DUI. (-2 if you don't get caught. +2 for getting caught driving drunk because you crashed into something. +1 for each one thousand dollars worth of property damage you cause.)
-1 Taking a cab*.
-1 Getting home before 3 am.
-1 Getting home at all.

*Note: Cab rides can easily turn into positive points. +1 for taking a cab but not having enough money or losing your phone, wallet, or keys. +1 for everything you leave in the cab. +2 if you left behind personal belongings after not paying for the cab ride.

And, finally, no horrible night is complete without a horrible morning after.
+2 Only throwing up bile.
+1 Waking up to realize you've wet the bed. (+2 If you're not sleeping alone.)
+1 Waking up with a new tattoo.
-1 Throwing up.
-1 Being hungover to the point that you stay in bed until 5.
-1 Being afraid to check your bank account balance.

You've finally reached your goal. Blood, tears, drinks and drugs have been spilled. You might even have a new a STD (+1). Now you that you've gotten that out of the way, you can rest assured that you will never have a night as bad this one (and start looking to the future, to your upcoming court date.) You just had the worst night ever. Congratulations.

Welcome...

The world can be a scary and confusing place. Sometimes all you need is a little ray of sunshine and some fairy dust (a cloud of pot smoke) to get you through. Well put on your sunglasses (you're probably hungover), we're re-examining what it means to be zen in the 21st century: a time idiots claim is the end of days.

Classy Lauren Brenner is a comedian and yoga teacher in Los Angeles, CA. She is a glorious pain in the ass with "Classy" tattooed on hers. Jordan is a prentetious, former professional dog walker from Denver with an undeserved sense of accomplishment.