A FIFA15 player was incandescent with rage after succumbing to a 3-0 defeat at the hands of his former best friend. Barry Turtlehead, 19, of Preston was playing as Paris Saint Germain against his friend David Carpet, manning the helm of Manchester United.

“This was bullshit from start to finish”, fumed a disconsolate Turtlehead. “Straight off the bat the players just didn’t want to score”.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic had already tested Barry’s patience by hitting the post and ballooning an absolute sitter by the time he was scythed down just outside the penalty area on 31 minutes by Michael Carrick, forcing him off with an ankle injury. “Dave only selected Carrick ‘cos he knows I hate him, and then he crocks my best striker, the toss pot”.

Cavani was subbed on, but the resulting free kick was also a naff effort, tamely hitting the wall and triggering a counter attack which resulted in a Manchester United corner. “So Thiago Silva’s marking Schweinsteiger in the middle and beats him to the ball but heads it against Sideshow Bob’s bloody afro and it goes in for an own-goal. Absolute piss take”.

With the score just 1-0 at half time, ‘Turts’, as he is known to his mates, still felt confident he could get back into it, even slyly switching his team mentality to ‘Attacking’ while Carpet went to get another beer. However, the PSG players’ abject profligacy in front of goal continued after the interval, much to his dismay.

“I couldn’t believe what I was seeing”, Turts recounted, disbelievingly. “An inch-perfect through ball from Pastore to Cavani and he has the first touch of a constipated elephant. Di Maria’s blatantly having his shirt tugged by Blind and the ref does nothing. I lost count of the misses, bad decisions, wayward passes”.

Barry, convinced that the game itself had made a conscious decision to make him lose, asked with desperation, “What can I do as a player? I get the guys into great goal scoring situations and I aim and shoot. It is then up to the game to decide whether that ball misses or not. Not me. I did all I could. The GAME didn’t want me to win. Simple as.”

To compound his misery, Dave then engineered a red card for Serge Aurier for a trip in the box, converting the resulting spot kick with none other than Michael Carrick. United’s third goal came on the counter in the dying moments of the game after PSG had been switched to ‘All-Out Attack’. The second Rooney had side-stepped the on-rushing Kevin Trapp, Turtlehead was seen to drop the controller and remark, “Well I’m not even playing any more so well done”.

Summing up his experience, the 19-year old was unrelenting in his criticism of his opponent. “I’m not having that. What a waste of time. He didn’t have to do the Suarez brick-fall dive celebration after every goal either. He’s a dick. I’m never playing him again.”

Following a crushing 3-1 defeat, Jose Mourinho remained calm in his post-match press conference at Goodison Park yesterday safe in the knowledge that Chelsea’s next fixture is at home to London rivals Arsenal. His confidence shone despite the fact that his faltering side have had an utterly abject start to the 15/16 season, picking up a paltry 4 points from their first 5 games and languishing just above the relegation zone.

“It is a chance for my squad to get a little bit of a break when we play Arsenal”, opined the Portuguese manager. “Honestly, I can do any kind of drills I want in training this week. In fact on Tuesday I might just get Nemanja Matic to hold Pedro at arm’s length while he swipes at his midriff and have the squad watch that for an hour. Then it’ll be off to the Taj for a curry.”

Arsene Wenger’s failure to ever beat Jose Mourinho (save for this season’s Community Shield, but… come on) has become something of a millstone around his neck and by now the Frenchman must be well and truly acquainted with the inside of Mourinho’s back pocket. A paparazzi reporter even published an article back in 2013 claiming the below image to depict the Arsenal boss ritualistically burning an effigy of Mourinho in his back garden upon hearing that he would once again have to cross swords with his nemesis:

Although unsubstantiated, the report is nonetheless believable given Wenger’s total ineptitude against Mourinho. The Blues manager, however, remains nonchalant.

“In the early days I used to prepare properly for Arsenal. But I soon realised that with these two teams, it is a bit like a fly versus a window. Does a window have to prepare itself for an insect continually charging head-first into it? Of course not. It just sits there knowing the fly cannot harm it and that if the fly hits it hard enough, it might die. So we will be the window; transparent, unmoving, solid, predictable. And Arsenal will be the fly; dumb, nervous, oblivious to the fact that there is an open door right next to the window.”

On his team selection, The Special One revealed, “We have Begovic in goal because Courtois is out, but frankly I could play Eva Carneiro in goal. She’s probably a better keeper than she is a doct-“. Sadly Chelsea’s Press Officer called a halt to proceedings at that juncture leaving rows of dumbfounded sports hacks to only imagine what his closing point was going to be. No doubt it would have sent still more daggers into Wenger’s heart.

Chelsea owner Roman Abramovic today announced the sacking of future manager Pep Guardiola weeks before he was even due to take over at the West London club. The axe-wielding oligarch cited that he couldn’t ever imagine being happy, regardless of results and silverware, and that Pep Guardiola was not the man to change that.

The development comes just hours after previous incumbent Roberto di Matteo was dismissed for winning only the FA Cup and the owner’s much sought-after Champions League title, including a gruelling, gritty and resolute semi-final victory with ten men over the greatest-team-in-the-world, Barcelona, in their own back yard. He followed up this meagre offering with a merely ‘excellent’ start to the 12/13 season which has left Chelsea in third place, just 4 points off the top spot. With just 26 games remaining in the Premier League season and everything to play for in all other cup competitions, it seems the man upstairs is feeling those end-of-season jitters.

In addition to Guardiola’s early demise, Abramovic is currently drawing up plans to sack all future managers for any loss they might suffer at the helm. In addition, he is writing stipulations into their already-defunct contracts that the wearing of silly hats, allowing their players to grow any kind of facial hair and using anything other than Abramovic’s newly developed square football in training sessions will result in immediate dismissal. Rumours abound that the minted Russian is even helping to organise an impending fan coup to oust himself from ownership of the club following a future string of increasingly insane decisions, resulting in his own public crucifixion on Fulham Road. However, these rumours are as yet unsubstantiated.

Peter Crotchenstaff, spokesperson for Chelsea fanzine ‘Blue Ring’ was incandescent with rage at Roman Abramovic stating, “He’s mad. He’s flippin’ mad. Mad as a big bag of honey”. One fan who was interviewed asked, ”Did Roman Abramovic have a wife called Ruth who left him? Because he’s pretty Ruthless. I thought that one up while I was driving earlier, please use it in your article”. (you’re welcome – Ed.)

In other news, Cadbury have permanently ceased all production of Crunchie bars with immediate effect. Owner and CEO Dick van Bandersnatch was reportedly angered at not getting ‘that Friday feeling’ upon eating one of the chocolate honeycomb snacks – despite it actually being a Friday. Crunchie adopted the slogan in the 1980s and have been operating atop the successful advertising campaign ever since, but Bandersnatch felt it was time to call time on the brand. “Rather than change the mantra in lieu of a more attainable consumer promise, I’ve decided to just ditch the whole bloody lot”, spluttered the portly Executive, adding, “the great thing about throwing your toys out of the pram as an adult is that you are old enough to get out, pick them all up and throw them out again. It really is splendid fun”.

Employees of the chocolate giant have branded the head of the company ‘a total prat’.