Finally admitting that I have a problem...

On the surface I am one of those people who seem to have a perfect life. I have my own business which I love, just moved to a house in the countryside, a loving Husband and 2 beautiful children. However, behind closed doors things are very different, well for me anyway.

I am beginning to realise that I have a problem which needs addressing as far from improving since we moved to the countryside (which I always felt would 'cure' my stress, is getting worse.

Every day I wake up shattered irrelevant of whether I get sleep or not (most nights I lie awake for up to 5 hours trying to get to sleep however!)

It's a huge chore to get out of bed and begin another day of anxiety, stress and tearfulness. I feel stuck in a loop, unable to get out or gain any enjoyment from life at all. My libido is zero (I can't remember the last time DH and I were intimate), I'm irritable, snappy, cry every day and have started struggling with eye contact and socialising. I have chest pain daily (tightness) and shortness of breath, I get tired very easily, have a stiff neck constantly and keep sighing! (the sighing is driving me mad on it's own, I just can't help taking huge breathes every so often!).

I seem to bury myself in my work (I suppose it's an escape) and see that I am turning into basically a horrible, depressive person.

I was diagnosed with an underactive thyroid 2 years ago and my insomnia coincided with the Levothyroxine medication. I'm currently seeing my GP about the dosage etc but I feel sure that this is a separate issue. I think I need help. Some days I feel I can't be bothered even to cook tea for my family although I do as I have to, working from home there are so many chores that fall to me.

I have juggled being a Mum, working from home, etc for so long that I can't remember feeling happy or seeing any other way of living life.

Sorry this is long, I guess I'm just hoping for some words of comfort, advice, support. I have no friends I can talk to since moving to a new area 6 months ago, and don't want to burden my parents or Husband.

I forgot to mention that I drink most nights, as when I don't I can't get to sleep...god reading it back to myself is shocking. I suppose I got used to things being this way, and assuming "everyone has a few glasses once the kids are in bed don't they!?"

I am also comfort eating which is making me feel even more down as I need to lose about half a stone and cannot shift it at the moment, without the motivation.

The last time I was with the GP I started talking about my tiredness and how I can't get enjoyment out of anything really even music, but I suddenly started feeling embarrassed so stopped. I'm usually so in control (or so I thought!) and so putting myself in a vulnerable position like that is hard for me.

I understand what you are going through mom2daisypie. It is so hard taking the first step but you've started here and you will get plenty of support. I suppose the next step is a visit to the gp to see how you can deal with this. Its not easy, I must admit as whenever I have gotten up the courage to go (I left it till I was rock bottom) I usually ended up bursting into tears, grabbed a prescription for meds and got out of there asap. I was totally embarrassed by it all.Can you talk to your dh about it at all? It really does help talking to someone but I must admit I have stopped talking about my worries to dh as I think his patience has been stretched to the limit.If you can, go to the docs. Write it all down if you don't feel able to talk and see what they have to offer.Good luck. Keep posting and remember you are not alone, even if its only talking to others online

First time I ever went to docs I felt better even before I started taking any meds. Its just getting it out into the open which is such a relief. I'm sure you will be fine and its upwards from here. Good for you

Thank you. I have felt a little better funnily enough this afternoon after posting on here! I suppose once you know what the problem is (or acknowledge it) you know then that hopefully you're on the path the feeling better as you can make a plan.I don't like the idea of being on anti-depressants (although if they work I'll take anything!) so I wonder if my GP would suggest anything else initially? (CBT?) or is it always just medication?

I didn't like the idea of antidepressants either and I took them for the shortest possible time but tbh I don't think they are right for me as its the way I react to life events that's the problem. However, they are right for a lot of people. Discuss the options with your doc - sometimes they offer CBT - and yes keep posting. It helps to have a conversation, so to speak, when you can't in real life.

I have anhedonia as well, and recently have started to experience a feeling I've never had before - "I wish to not exist". This sounds very dramatic and almost teenage, but it doesn't feel that way - I simply think "I can't handle this, I don't want to die - I want the opposite... to not exist in the first place"

I hate the domestic drudgery, and find it very difficult to summon the energy to carry out basic tasks. For me it's because I know I will be interrupted constantly by the children. I love the idea of pottering about making a big meal, with loads of time to do it. But the reality is so different that I despair, if I try to do something, anything that's worthwhile and involves concentration, it gets ruined.

I haven't RTFT, but can I suggest that you make sure your GP checks your B12 levels (link below) to me your symptoms actually scream of Pernicious Anaemia & MH issues can often Be symptoms of that. Vit D probably needs to be checked too.

Hi everyone,Well my blood test results were normal apparently, although I can't get an appointment until after the holidays now to discuss them in detail. My GP said on the phone that the levels are right so I so need to stay on the Levothyroxine but maybe discuss help for depression.

I actually feel much better this past week but I've been sleeping better so that makes a huge difference to my mood and the way I view things.

I still don't feel 'right' (that's the only way I can describe it! A bit foggy, anxious and in something of a daze most of the day...anyone else experience this despite getting good sleep? I've slept well for 3 or 4 nights now but the fogginess is still there.

I'm glad your blood results are OK and at least when you go to the docs the subject of depression and it's treatment has already been brought up so it might be a bit easier.The symptoms you are describing are classic anxiety/depression symptoms. I feel like that when I am going through a bad patch, but I don't sleep well at the best of times. The bits of support I get through posting on places like this makes a big difference to me as well. You don't feel so alone. I recommend the No More Panic website, as well as mumsnet of course, as the forums on there are very good. Loads of advice and support

Hi everyone,I thought I'd post an update as I know there are a few of you in a similar situation.

I made an appointment with a different GP about 10 days ago. She had a medical student with her and between them they were FANTASTIC. My blood tests were all checked thoroughly with me there and everything explained to me and it was clear that actually my thyroid is now stable and that's not the problem. We started discussing lifestyle and the GP felt that I was simply expecting too much of myself and living in a constant state of disappointment. I work from home and so have built2when I'm not playing with my Daughter. My work is also incredibly busy and so I have guilt that I'm not working when I DO play with my Daughter! That combined with chores, School runs, bad diet, drinking too much alcohol, zero fresh air and exercise, weight gain and all of those extras responsibilities we get as parents was causing my sleep problems...which in turn was sending me spiralling into depression.

To cut a long story short the GP was a German lady and told me that in Germany they use herbal medicine a lot and find it very effective, with less side effects that standard medication. She recommended that I try St John's Wort for 2 months and see how I feel then go back to her. I was sceptical and the thought of spending another 2 months feeling the way I did was horrendous! However I agreed.

St John's Wort has saved my sanity!After just 3 days I felt different. My anxiety had gone, no more irritability and chest pain, my head is less foggy, I am sleeping better and I generally feel that a huge dark cloud has lifted from me. I must admit I did not expect to feel a difference but I can't deny it's worked. It's no coincidence that after months and months of feeling like I want to disappear within 3 days I feel back to my old self...more or less.

I take the Holland & Barrett 'one a day 425mg tablets and to anyone suffering as ai was I would say just give them a go. They are half price at the moment too so £7.49 for 30.

I never thought I'd be writing this just a couple of weeks after the original post - quite incredible. My only fear now is coming off the SJW incade those feelings come back! In terms of side effects I've maybe had a little dizziness occasionally but not much and certainly not enough to stop taking them. Hope my experience helps someone x