Hi,I was abused, don't think I need to go into details, had therapy etc. Now I have a girlfriend, we have sex, but often I just can't orgasm, I figure it's related to abuse. I wonder if anyone has a web link that might offer help, or knows how to proceed -- my thoughts are that

(1) I need to explain so that she understands - she knows of the abuse already.(2) Trust building by agreeing to go so far then stopping.(3) Perhaps professional therapy for me/us.

OK if you have been through this and have advice I'd like to know.

Obviously the killer is she feels that I don't find her attractive, that is at a level of disappointment that she can't think past - she is unsatisfied. But she is willing to try anything.

I am thinking because I don't want to hurt her, and can't see a way out, I might just end the relationship, but then in a way I'm ending all future relationships, giving up on sex.

Fact is I can orgasm, hold an erction etc. Masturbation is no problem.

Final thought is am I gay and in denial? Maybe, but I really don't have an attraction for men, don't fantasise about that when I masturbate. Could it be burried that deep? My feeling is it is a reaction against sexual intimacy at some level that sees all sex as an echo of the abuse.

Welcome to our support site Thorn, glad that you found us. Have you tried having your girlfriend get you off the way that you are used to? You do your best to give her what she wants then if you can't get what you need that way perhaps she can use her hand, which still would be an intimate interaction between you. There are methods of insemination outside of normal intercourse if that is your desire too.

How much are you satisfying yourself outside of your attempts at intercourse with your girlfriend? (It is a problem that a fair number of abuse survivors suffer from, and nothing to feel shame over either). When I was 30 I would have sex on the weekend with my wife, then during the week I would take care of the pressure myself. Now that I am in my 50s it is hard enough to have sex once or twice per week, and I have long since given-up the need for self-satisfaction. If you are satisfying yourself a fair amount, you could be desensitizing yourself too. Can you wait until your next romp with your girlfriend to try to get your needs met? If you are successful at staying away from self-satisfaction long enough, you should begin to experience a return to a more-normal amount of sensitivity where it counts too.

From what you have written it sounds like you have made a lot of progress in your recovery. We can always use members who have enjoyed some success in their own recovery here too, in order to try to support those of us who are still struggling. Hope that you would consider helping us out in this way. That is my primary mission here too.

Sans LogosMemberMaleSurvivor
Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5793
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...

thorn,

i get what you are saying here. the sex with my older brother was the best sex i ever remember experiencing. all other, with male or female, could not compare. i've never really gone into that much in the therapeutic discourses i've participated in over my life. i always had more pressing issues to discuss at the time. besides, you're not supposed to like sex anyway unless it's in the confines of marriage [so THEY SAY... whoever THEY are].

ok, i digress. i am not a highly sexual person, but i was in a few shorter long term relationships with both males and females, and i always needed a lot of manual stimulation to become aroused. the last sex partner i had [back in 2004 ] , i had no problem with. our relationship was short lived, but i trusted him implicitly. i think that made all the difference in the world for me. that short but seemingly insignificant relationship taught me that i could become aroused if the person was right, and there was no fear involved. mutuality and trust were important ingredients for things to line up right for me.

yes, it would be better to discuss this with a trained specialist, and maybe just for now avoid the trap of labeling yourself. that will just make matter worse. thru therapy you can explore all the possibilities then determine the best course from there. in the end it does not really matter whether your partner has a penis or a vagina, but whether they have a heart...... that's the most important thing.

Not quite, all our experiences are different, my abuse was not something I enjoyed, but as you know it is never simple like some people imagine. He was not an evil man in black coat who twiddled a moustache and laughed like a maniac. It was complex how I viewed him at the time, because it was the abuse of a trust relationship, I had previously looked up to him, and he had been kind to me. I 'forgave him' and accepted blame for tempting him. I didn't want to confront him, I was scared. As time went on his abuse increasingly became not just sexual, but threatening physically, and he revelled in verbal and emotional cruelty, belittling me, name calling and pushing me about. As a youngster I didn't enjoy it, I couldn't talk to anyone, I was ashamed to admit what he had done to me, I felt guilty for not saying, and in a way I became complicit, I was trapped. I rationalised things, thought it would pass, that he meant it when he said sorry and it wouldn't happen again, accepted little gifts he'd give as part of an apology, he'd make jokes, give me attention, then I felt by keeping quiet all would be fine, that we had an understanding. Did I enjoy the sex? No, but I think it's true that for a long time I still admired him. It's also true that I craved his attention / acceptance. Then one time it was so fucking scarry I just hid for ages and fled, I imagined he'd know exactly where I was drive up and kill me, so again, no I didn't enjoy it.

I remember just letting him do it, when he touched me I'd just go limp, like a rag doll, say nothing until after. After he'd lie there panting looking at me, then I knew he was most dangerous. I could see him weighing me up, sussing out if I'd tell, thinking of killing me. So I consoled him - he was also racked with guilt and hated me for it. then he'd apologise, I'd promise not to say, and he'd promise never again. But I felt if I didn't convince him I'd be dead, and so I convinced myself too, until that last time.

So now, so many years later, I still have that rag doll response to sex, it kicks in from nowhere. That is what I explained to my girlfriend - not as bluntly - but at the height of passion I just can't let go, all sex is in a way an echo of those times, getting past that is what I seek.

So now I'm well past the initial stages of recovery, I accept what happened, know how it has shaped me, and don't hate that. I've done what I can to put things right. Now I think I deserve love, physical love and passion. I have found that, and fear it is threatened by my inability to give myself fully, hence my frustration, my self doubt and why I wrote the first post.

edit....

rereading this I realise I can't properly expess things as they were I was trying to say yes there was a relationship aspect to the abuse, yes I had/did admire him, liked the attention - but not in the way you say. And now again I realise I just can't express how it was.

I just wanted to first acknowledge how amazing this is as your second post and what that says about your fortitude. You say you're well past the initial stages of recovery...well I guess that is a testament to that. You didn't mention whether you had worked on this specifically with a T or someone, and it seems possible from everything we read that this is ultimately treatable. I sure hope you are able to do that if you haven't.

My only thoughts would really be to please not be rash about breaking up with your girlfriend because of this. If you can continue to keep this same level of openess with her, which is hard as hell I know, and try to not forget that there are a whole lot of other aspects to your relationship to attend to, you stand a much better chance of solving this I think. If the other parts of your relationship are suffering because of the effect this is having on how you feel about yourself this is the vicious cycle, and the sex will only work as well as the other parts.

If you care for her and this relationship, then it really is better I think to try and work on this in that context even if it is really hard on the relationship and depressing at times to not move forward in the speed or manner you want. In our 22 years of marriage we have been all over the charts with every aspect to our relationship, but I have to say I'm damn glad now I didn't chuck it in the bad times and there have certainly been plenty of those.

Since you posted all of this to explain this specific problem you've written about in this thread, I didn't want to dwell on this, but man, do there seem to be similar qualities to the abuse we suffered. Obviously not everything, but boy i could have written entire passages of your post. That is still such an amazing experience for me after spending so many years of being alone with all of this...reading words from a fellow survivor which could have been my own is very moving. Thanks for sharing.

As I understand it, the plumbing works and you are able to achieve an erection and actually have intercourse. The problem happens when you can't finish. Assuming I have understood this correctly, the following link may be of use.

... but then in a way I'm ending all future relationships, giving up on sex.

Fact is I can orgasm, hold an erction etc. Masturbation is no problem.

...Could it be burried that deep? My feeling is it is a reaction against sexual intimacy at some level that sees all sex as an echo of the abuse.

I am not a professional therapist but I have been through an aweful lot including a long-term marriage producing 2 children. I have taught human anatomy and physiology.

Even though I experienced a lot of male-male abuse as a child, I was able to respond sexually to females, namely my wife. When the memories of the abuse I experienced as a kid came up after about 30 years, I was so troubled by flashbacks and intrusive thoughts that a sexual relationship with my wife became very difficult.

So yes and no. Abuse as a child can definitely hinder a sexual relationship as an adult. But not necessarily so.

Since you are apparently pretty young as far as I can tell, I would guess that your problem is not with abuse you experienced from another male as a child but from your relationship with your mother. I would recommend some good therapist who can probe your relationships with your mother when you were quite young. Then If it wasn't too bad you can talk it out and get some tood therapy about that and experience healing for your problem.

Furthermore, and this may not be the good part, if indeed you had a problem with your mother, you may have chosen a girl friend who embodies a lot of the characteristics of your mother. If this is the case, then a bunch of therapy about your mother will also cool your relationship with your girl friend. You will no longer see her as you did today. But actually this is good. If you didn't move through this step and got married anyway, you would end up hating each other. It might be a doomed situation.

Thanks for the advice /link & comments. Just to say my girlfriend and I have had a good talk with a few tearful moments, but there does seem to be a deeper understanding, and I'm sure that we will be able to be happy as a couple. Basically we have decided to take things easy for now, just take all the pressure off, and concentrate on keeping the relationship, and just accept that things aren't quite perfect.

I
agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and
chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole
discretion of MaleSurvivor. I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor
resources are AT-WILL,
and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for
any reason by MaleSurvivor.