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The New York Stock Exchange took stock investors on another harrowing ride Thursday. The Dow fell four hundred, then went up nine hundred. It's like they are trying to kill everyone who has heart disease before the national health care plan takes effect.

NBC's Saturday Night Live filled two cast openings Thursday to replace the departing Amy Poehler. The cast members must be masters of improvisation who can make it up as they go along and get laughs. Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson joins the cast in January.

Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson Wednesday canceled the federal buyout of toxic assets from banks. The derivatives are a mess. Nobody knows which securities are backed by actual mortgages and which ones are backed by Max Bialystock's word as a gentleman.

Hillary Clinton was reported a candidate for Secretary of State Thursday. She is close to the new first lady. Michelle Obama asked Hillary for pointers last week, but Hillary explained that to keep Bill in line, Rottweilers worked a lot better than Pointers.

Connecticut legalized gay marriage Tuesday, one week after Massachusetts voters legalized marijuana. It's amazing. Long ago, when the Pilgrims landed in New England, little did the people in the villages realize they'd someday be the Village People.

The Supreme Court ruled Wednesday that the U.S. Navy can run sonar tests off the California coast. Environmentalists said sonar makes ocean mammals deaf. At least they think it's sonar, they can't get the whales and dolphins to admit they're abusing OxyContin.

House Democrats demanded a bailout for struggling homeowners and auto companies Thursday. GOP congressmen defended bankers who took bailout money but won't loan it out. If Washington D.C. wanted to build the world's biggest zoo, all they'd have to do is put a fence around the U.S. Capitol.

The Washington D.C. school board urged Michelle Obama Thursday to enroll her two daughters in the District's public schools. They bragged about their high student scores in math and science. Nowhere do kids learn faster how many grams are in a kilo.

Valkyrie starring Tom Cruise opens in December about the real-life brave German colonel who tried to blow up Hitler during World War II. However, it's hard for audiences to root for a Nazi war hero. Every time somebody makes this movie, Hitler survives but the studio gets killed.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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