Unborn fawns, we’ve been staring at the following pictures for hours, getting grumpier with each passing minute. Why? Because never have we seen so many sequins and illusion netting deployed resulting in so much frumpery. What’s wrong with these girls? Why is it that boys are the ones with the most flamboyant outfits?

You know why. Let’s not be politically correct here, darlings. Women’s skating is sadly lacking that of which men’s skating has a surplus: Gays. Looking over these limp, tragic things, we cry to the heavens for the input of a sassy gay who’s good with a quip and a hot glue gun.

Consider:

Agnes Zawadzki

A Gay would know when to stop with the rick-rack. In fact, a Gay would never approve rick-rack in the first place. A Gay would tell her her costume looks like it was decorated with a sharpie and a highlighter.

Alexe Gilles

A gay would look at this virginal getup and ask “Are we skating like our life depends on it or are we giving birth to the messiah in a barn?”

Alissa Czisny

A Gay would tell her she looks like a bride who lost a knife fight.

Ashley Wagner

A Gay would sigh and tell her the signup sheet for yoga class is located at the front desk.

Caroline Zhang

A Gay would approve of the attempt at drama but recommend the deployment of maribou.

Mirai Magasu

A Gay would tell her she looks like a hematoma.

Rachael Flatt

A Gay would tell her perky little lemons don’t win medals. A Gay would tell her that everyone hates perky little lemons.

Free Skate

Agnes Zawadzki

A Gay would tell her she looks like a fortune teller’s tablecloth.

Alissa Czisny

By this point, A Gay has just about had it with these sad little handkerchiefs…

Christian Gao

…and in a hissy fit to end all hissy fits, storms off the ice, trailing feathers and sequins (as a Gay is prone to do)…

Rachael Flatt

…shrieking to the heavens his vow to only work with male figure skaters or drag queens from now on, because THOSE ladies understand the meaning of glamour.