John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

Often the person you most need to talk to about your sadness, is the person who's gone. (Published 7/15/2014)

Q:

About 2 1/2 years ago, I was at the bedside of a close friend, holding her hand, as she died. For some unknown reason, a part of me still does not want to accept that she is gone. I was told that my mind and my heart have not yet come to terms with her death, and, that this may never happen. WHY?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Robert,

Thanks for your note and question.

The answer to your implied question about there being an “unknown reason” for not wanting to accept that she’s gone, is actually answered in your opening sentence. When you say that a “close” friend died, it is clear that you would not want that to be true. In that sense, the word “close” is very emotional and tells volumes about why you might be struggling with the reality of her death.

Depending on the nature of the friendship, we might guess that she was the kind of friend you would go to when your heart was hurting. If that’s the case, then the very person you’d most need and want to talk to about your sadness, is the person who died.

It’s perfectly okay not to want to accept that she’s gone, because it represents such a powerful feeling for you, and because the truth for all of us, is that we never want someone we love to die and not be here with us.

But there is a gap between that feeling and the reality, and we’d guess that because you’ve written to us about it, that you realize you need to bridge the gap.

We are saddened that anyone would dare tell you your mind and heart had not yet come to terms with her death; and worse, we are angered that anyone would poison you with the idea that it many never happen.

We don’t actually believe that you haven’t come to terms—whatever that really means—but we do believe that your heart is broken, and that are many things you wish had happened differently, better, or more, and that you are left with a host of unrealized hopes, dreams, and expectations about the future.

We also believe that if you knew what actions to take to help yourself become more emotionally complete with the things that are left unfinished for you as they relate to the six words we bolded in the last paragraph, you would do them.

Not knowing how to deal with the feelings you are having over the past 2 ½ years causes other issues. Many people who struggle as you are, find fond memories turn painful for them and then they avoid thinking about the person they loved because it hurts too much. That’s more than sad, as it compounds the loss, in that it robs you of being able to enjoy your memories and feelings about that person.

Please go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it and take the actions it outlines. As you do, you’ll find the issues about accepting her death diminishing, and you will be able to adapt to your life without her here, while retaining your fond memories.

At Tributes.com we believe that Every Life has a Story that deserves to be told and preserved.

Tributes.com is the online source for current local and national obituary news and a supportive community where friends and family can come together during times of loss and grieving to honor the memories of their loved ones with lasting personal tributes.