Looking for celebrity gossip and full frontal Kardashian bashing? Need more snarkasm in your diet? Do you get a sick thrill out of the misfortunes of others? You're in the right place! Welcome. And prepare to be Whorrified.

Wednesday, 26 September 2012

MADONNA: 'VOTE FOR OBAMA, CUZ HE'S A MUSLIM!'

OH, MADGE, MADGE, MADGE.How would you like it if Obama went onstage and urged everyone to buy your Celtic Lesbian Folk music?

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Ah, Madonna. You've gotta love her (or she'll club you senseless with her meaty thighs). She's a shrewd businesswoman, an amazing entertainer and her entire body appears to be made of bull sinew. But lately, Madge has taken to some very grating affectations.That British accent, for one. Her habit of using her back as a billboard, for another.

But even more annoying is her sudden urge to spout politics at every opportunity. Even when she clearly doesn't know what the bloody 'ell she's talking about.For weeks, she's been "surprising" concert-goers by whipping off her shirt to reveal the words "Pussy Riot" on her back. Not only because she loves the word "pussy" but also because she supports those Russian chits who earned the deadly wrath of Vladimir Poutine. (Ack! Sorry, sorry, don't arrest me, Vlad, I meant Putin! I'm just kind of hungry right now, is all!)Then on Monday, she dragged the President of the United States of America into her act. Whether he wanted her to or not.

During a concert in Washington, D.C., Madonna launched into a rousing, profanity-studded rant in which she urged the crowd to vote for Obama "g*ddamit.""It's so amazing and incredible to think that we have an
African-American in the White House ... we have a black Muslim in the
White House! Now that is the SHIT!" Wow, right? So passionate. So inspiring. So completely inane. Because not only is Madonna NOT a politician, but more importantly, Obama is NOT a Muslim. And it doesn't particularly help his cause right now to be mistaken for one. But thank you so much, Madonna, for confusing thousands of young voters, who were all no doubt wondering, "But why isn't she singing? We came here for the singing."

And of course, I wasn't at the White House immediately thereafter, but I have taken it upon myself to visually recreate the scene nevertheless:Oval Office. Phone rings. Barack shakes head and moans. "Oh for heck's sake, that's HER on Line One! What am I going to say to that madwoman?"Michelle. Steps in, flexes fabled biceps. "It's OK, babe, I got this one."Picks up phone. "Hello, Madonna? I suppose you're calling to apologize for calling my husband a Muslim. No, it's fine, I'm sure you were just dehydrated or whatever, but just so you know, he's a Christian. ... Yes. Yes. ... No please don't, it's such a long name to write on your back; maybe you could just write "Mitt" instead? Mmhmm. Oops, that's Elton John calling on Line 2, I'm afraid I'll have to let you go. Byeeeeeee." Looks at Barack. "I could barely understand a word she said. She spoke in Cockney rhyming slang the whole time."

EDITOR'S NOTE: Well there's been an update, hasn't there? Madge now tells the press she was being "ironic" when she called Obama a Muslim. And then tomorrow she'll have to tell the press she was being an idiot when she said she was being "ironic." It's a slippery slope, my friends . . .

DOESN'T THIS FAMILY EVER HAVE BOYS?

Kardashian's stripper bride has plopped out a baby, and it vaguely resembles Rob so my nasty suspicions were completely unfounded. Also, IT'S A GIRL! In lieue of newborn gifts, the happy kouple are probably asking for cash donations to the baby's breast-and-butt implant fund. Those 12th birthdays come faster than you think. CLICK THE PIC to see the newest member of the Kardashian clan.

Looking for Tyra? Kanye? Me? Type a name here

POSSIBLY THE MOST BORING NEWS EVER

Actors Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts have announced that they are splitting up after 11 years of marriage. Unfortunately, they had the nerve to do so within a week of Brad and Angelina's cataclysmic split, so no one gives a shit. Plus I've never seen such craptastic acting as Naomi Watts playing Lady Diana, so if that was Liev's reason for leaving her I can't say I blame him.

FIRST-EVER PICS OF PREGNANT JANET!

I wouldn't normally give a flying nipple ring about baby bumps, but when said baby bump is sticking out of Janet Jackson's 50-year-old body, you're damn right I'm gonna blog about that. As well as gleefully note that she appears to be eating for at least two, possibly three or four. CLICK ON HER PIC to see the fruits of the paparrazis' relentless stalking of Janet … Miss Jackson if you're nasty.

SOMEONE DODGED THE GARGOYLE BULLET

Iman posted a photo of Lexi Jones, her only child with David Bowie, in honour of her 16th birthday and I am relieved to report that she is incandescently beautiful. Because it doesn't always happen that way. In fact, so many celebrity offspring defy the genetic odds that one can't help wondering if God is as morbidly obsessed with schadenfreude as I am. How else to explain celebrats that look nothing like Demi Moore and everything like Mr. Potato Head? (Sorry, Rumer Willis, I wasn't going to mention you by name but your fourteen-storey chin demanded it; that thing terrifies me!)

STOP PICKING ON SNOOP BECAUSE HE'S BLACK

Notorious pothead Snoop Dogg has accused Swedish police of racial profiling after he was briefly detained in Uppsala on suspicion of possessing weed. Police pulled him over because he “seemed to be under the influence of narcotics." (Police: Are you Snoop Dogg? Snoop: Yes. Police: GUILTY!) After his release, Snoop hit Instagram to rage that he was arrested because of racial profiling. “They made me pee in a cup – didn’t find shit,” he actually said. (No seriously. He's making this too easy.)

THERE'S STILL HOPE FOR BOTH OF US, HALLE

Halle Berry is embarking on her fourth divorce (this time from Olivier Martinez), and far be it from me to criticize her terrifying track record on relationships because my own track record is just one degree less terrifying than hers. Which leads me to conclude that the problem is not that "Halle Berry can't keep a man," but rather that so few men are worth keeping. Click the pic to see the supportive evidence. You can't argue with science.