Boxer-Brief Police Reports

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Mar. 27

Lucy Little, 19, Platteville. Caller reported a drunk female hanging bras on a tree. When police arrived she had fallen asleep under the bra littered tree. She was issued a citation for public intoxication and vandalism.

Parker Piller, 21, Dubuque IA. Andrew Allergy, 19, Platteville. Zehara Zebra, 20, Waterloo. Suspicious people were seen with flashlights in the cemetery. They were thought to be destroying the tombstones. When officers arrived it turned out they were just playing an intense game of flashlight tag.

Mar. 28

Platteville Squirrels, Platteville. Complaintant called to complain that a group of squirrels were chasing him throughout campus. When police and animal control arrived to assist the man, they too were chased by the squirrels. The squirrels were cited for disorderly conduct.

Mar. 29

Mia Mamma, 20, Wakanda. Complaintant called to inform police about an underage female at the Public House, a bar downtown. Police spotted the female dancing on the bar while wearing a My Little Pony shirt. She was taken to the Platteville Police department and she was cited.

Charles Chocolate, 18, Appleton. Officers got a complaint from Chancellor Shields that someone was napping on his desk. Police escorted him away and cited him with a public napping violation.

San Simonion, 23, La Crosse. Complaintant reported that a man would not leave her residence because he was petting her cat. It was late and the complaitant just wanted to go to bed. Officers escorted the man off the property as he cried about having to leave the “kitter.” He was given a warning.

Mar. 30

Livy Lovely, 22, Racine. Officers observed a women unable to walk properly on Main St. When they went to confront the possibly drunken women they realized she was just wearing leopard print heels and couldn’t walk. She was issued a citation for a fashion violation.

Halle Hallway, 18, Cottage Grove MN. Complaintant called to complain that his girlfriend unplugged his gaming system while he was in the middle of playing Fortnite. Officers responded to the disturbance and issued the women a citation.

Mar. 31

Lucinda Lucky, 21, Des Moines IA. Complaintant said his girlfriend was banging on his door and bothering him. Police responded, she forgot her key and just wanted to be let into their apartment. No citation was issued.

Vienna Velcro, 20, Sheboygan. Officers received a noise complaint about loud music playing. When officers arrived at the residence, they heard show tunes playing loudly. It was a sleepover and they were watching musicals. They were advised to turn down the music.

Pioneer Pete, 151, Platteville. Dennis Denter, 21, Platteville. Officers responded to a fight at Jimmy Johns between the two subjects. The men were hitting each other with their sandwiches which caused a huge mess. Both were issued a citation.

Mar. 32

Priya Piper, 23, Beloit. Complaintant called about their missing dog, when officers responded they found the dog sleeping with her roommate. They issued a cuddle citation.

Apr. 2

Aleksander Allegory, 20, Lake Geneva. Ally Alderage, 21, West Bend. Police received a call about an argument happening in an apartment on Main St. When officers responded they found a couple arguing about which show to watch on Netflix. Officers agreed with the girlfriend about Stranger Things and issued the couple a domestic disturbance citation.

*Thank you for reading the Exponent’s “Antagonist” issue. This article is satirical and none of the information in this article should be considered factual.