​During a sozo session I had at bethel church in Redding, it was highlighted to me that my heart has had a stronghold of "foreboding" -- I had no clue what this word even meant so I had to look it up AND have it explained to me. This is the definition:

Foreboding (noun): a fearful apprehension; a feeling that something bad will happen.

This fearful apprehension began as a young child growing up in chaos an unpredictable changes..fearful, dark and sometimes abusive circumstances. Shifting in and out of foster care due to my parents drug addictions, every day was filled with uncertainty where foreboding began to take root and grow.

The past three years I've had more stability in my life than ever before. Living with two godly and loving God-given parents, on the ocean..3 guaranteed meals a day, stable school and work schedule and a loving church family; yet I couldn't quite shake this deeply rooted yet hard to understand, foreboding. Although my external circumstances appeared to be anyone's dreams, my internal rhythm was still up and down with fear of the unforeseen future.. I had a subconscious expectation that, just around the corner, something awful and life-threatening were to occur, so in order to be prepared, I was always expecting it. As a child, this internal rhythm is what kept me surviving. I'm sure many abused and neglect children grow up to be adults that battle this feeling daily. It kept me strong and ready as a children when the next blow, or unpredictable living placement took place.. But once I was safe and removed from an unstable life as an adult, wouldn't this internal rhythm cease? Wouldn't the mansion on the ocean, steady financial income, loving family and hopeful future fix all that was damaged as a little girl? Although my life appeared to be a dream, the internal rhythm of foreboding and daily surviving was deeply programmed into who I am and has been very difficult for me to understand or even find someone else who can relate or understand.

And fast forward, here I am.. Living in Redding California, being given an opportunity so many hungry believers from all over the world only dream of having. I've been accepted into BSSM, been given a fresh start up here in Redding, with complete freedom to dive into the depths of God's presence and the mysteries of His love, getting equipped for a life of advancing the kingdom while being rooted in my identity as a daughter of God.. But waves of anxiety have been interrupting the beauty of this season.. This flawed internal rhythm, although painful and uncomfortable to face, is being exposed. This rhythm of foreboding everyday, certainly uncertain that something bad is just around the corner, stops here.

I am choosing to step out of agreement with this cycle of foreboding. I am choosing to partner with God's joyful purposes for my life, trusting that they are good and celebrating the hopeful future I have in Him. I want my soul, peace, security and comfort to be anchored in God's unshakable and unchanging love for me, regardless what my circumstances are. I want to be like the apostle Paul when he says:

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."

That steady, stable and sweet assurance that no matter the circumstances, we can have perfect peace in the moment. And I am so humbled and wrecked with gratitude that this year I am able to take the time here at bethel to dig deep within my heart and let the Lord cleanse it of all lies and heal it of every wound. Goodbye foreboding! You have no power over my days not my heart anymore! Come Lord Jesus, and have your way.