One Night Stands, Sexting and the Hazy Cloud of Alcohol

I am amazed when I hear that young teenagers and children, at increasingly younger ages, are feeling a high degree of social pressure to become more involved with alcohol, sex, pornography and ‘sexting’ – from one night stands to binge drinking. However, when I stop to look at our society, the role that our media provides, and the male and female role models that our children and we as adults aspire to, I sense an understanding of how this has become the ‘norm’ – even though it is far from normal behaviour. The way it’s been for me growing up is testimony to this.

My first experience of sex was when I was 16; a lot older than many and perhaps still younger than some. It was with my first boyfriend of six weeks. We had been to a party and had a couple of drinks when we went back to his house. I had planned to spend the night but I didn’t think too much about having sex. I felt unsure if this was what I wanted to do but I seemed to be oblivious that for him it was a definite part of the plan. I recall he sensed my hesitation and the next words from his mouth were “I do love you”.

With the combination of alcohol and the pressure I felt from him, and had placed on myself to be liked, I made the choice to override my uncertainty, have sex and commit to a long-term relationship.

Later, in my mid-twenties and newly single, I began to see a Universal Medicine (UniMed) practitioner. I had regular Chakra-puncture sessions where I was establishing a re-connection with myself – a connection that allowed me to feel more like me and to feel what was right for me. I began to become aware of and sweep away many of the beliefs and ideals that I had accumulated over my life, and arose to see myself more clearly as a beautiful woman. I knew that I was deserving of true love and that I had always held a deeply loving connection with myself.

Over the next year I was looking to meet new friends. Although I never overly enjoyed drinking alcohol I had always believed that I was more fun and could be more of me when I did drink. So many weekends became about going out to clubs, dancing the night away and having fun. The kind of fun that would leave my whole body aching and on a number of occasions suffering from a hangover that could last for days. It was normal to wake up with a headache or nausea, with blisters and bruises from unknown origins, missing belongings, exhaustion, dehydration and a vagueness that repeatedly proclaimed I was never drinking again!

CHOICES…

How intriguing I find it now that I once made choices that would completely disregard my own body and its preciousness – it felt like an arrogance had taken me over, that I would deal with the pain later. I knew that I held a deep and loving connection with myself and what was right for me, but I was overriding my own inner-knowing with the beliefs that I thought were true. You won’t be any fun if you don’t drink, you’re letting others down or you will be boring,you’ll be missing out, everyone does this and you can’t be different… It’s amazing how far away from my own truth I actually was that such talk would work on me but it did, because I was choosing to override and numb what my body was really telling me and what I naturally knew.

With the outings came male attention, and as a single woman it was a new experience for me and I was surprised that men found me attractive. With the support of my practitioner, honesty and a willingness to work through my own issues, I was starting to feel the deep sadness I carried alongside the lack of self-worth that I had supported for far too long. But in an alcohol-fuelled body, in a loud nightclub, any attention from men appeared to be normal and strangely welcomed and once again I overrode what I truly felt – the disconnection to self and then to all others, the deep sadness and disrespect of one’s body and then of others’, and the seemingly normal behaviour that was medicating people (in the name of fun) from feeling their deepest hurts and the emptiness in their lives.

My experiences were proving to me that men would say anything in their attempt to have sex with me… and a few times I did. The deep hurt that I felt within my body afterwards was unbearable and I wondered how on earth I had made such unloving choices. In the moment I would bury my true feelings under guilt and shame but I always knew that I would one day find my understanding.

Men began to contact me via text message for what I thought might result in a date or perhaps a relationship, and I fashioned new ideals and beliefs for myself to explain this. To ‘be liked’ you must be easy going, available and show that you’re different to other women – not controlling or manipulative or emotional, etc. What I know now is there was never any true intention in me for a relationship because I wasn’t truly being me, I was giving my power away to an ideal of who I thought I should be and I invested in my desired outcome – the relationship or ‘love’ from another I thought I had potentially found.

For me, sexting felt no different from a one night-stand and in actual fact, no different to having sex with someone I was in a committed relationship with under the guise of ‘making love’. When the true marker of self-love was not there all I felt was the false excitement and heightened stimulation, the effort in trying to be all the right things to fill another’s fantasies and needs, and the deep emptiness and sadness within myself as I knew not only was there no true connection between us, but that I had overridden my own sacredness as a women through the choices I made to be less than who I was. I could feel that men and women were capable of true love and expression, but as I waited in expectation for another to share who they truly were with me, I was holding my own true self back.

I had reconnected to my most powerful tool – self-love – and with this love I could not only feel the truth of the lovely and deeply tender woman that I really am, but that the choices I had made in the past were never really me. There is now no place for hardness towards myself or others, only understanding and compassion for how our choices came to be.

What I have felt is how all women are precious beings. We hold sacredness in our bodies and an innate knowing and connection to what is right for us in every moment. My connection to my inner-heart is gracious and solid and because I know this I will never have to give my power away to a substance that only serves to abuse or numb me from the truth, or override my feelings with adopted ideals or beliefs.

With a true sense of self-worth and self-love, we can provide our children with true role models and present to humanity a way of life that shows we need not succumb to the pressures from outside of us – to have sex when we’re not ready to, or to be involved in sexting, one night stands or using alcohol to fit in – for, as I have come to know, there is a more harmonious and joyful way to live.

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You’ll find me at the nearest sunset or sunrise, or in the longest gaze with those bright stars above. Born, raised and enjoying life in Brisbane, I am at home anywhere there is people and I LOVE my job in nursing, writing, singing, capturing beauty in a photo, being a mother and smiling at the smallest of moments in between.

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387 Comments

Rod Harvey says:April 7, 2014 at 7:15 am

Cherise this is a great article for men to read. By understanding and appreciating the sacredness of women, men can deepen their respect for women and in turn, look for what they themselves are really seeking…genuine connection and love.

I think that life tries to fool us that men have to be hard and tough, yet they are so super-sensitive and gentle. They get pushed into stereotypes and expectations of ‘how men should be’, yet the truth is that men are just as tender as women, we don’t need to compete for hardness when tenderness is the new manly look.

I agree with you all, well written Cherise – it is a great read for all men too, extremely exposing for us. We are deeply sensitive but get caught up in trying to be something and to look a certain way, as thats what we are told we should be.

Absolutely true Ariana, I agree that men and women are both equally tender and when we both let go of the pictures of ‘how we think we need / or should be’ we can get back to connecting lovingly with each other – building true relationships that blow those stereotypes out of the water!

Kissing the “pictures’ goodbye is a powerful start in embracing true love for another in all relationships.

Alison says:March 5, 2015 at 9:51 pm

I agree Ariana. And maybe when Cherise went back to her first boyfriends house and she was hesitant maybe he too fell for the ‘role’ of being a man and pressured into doing what was the ‘norm’ – having sex with his girlfriend when maybe he too was feeling unsure of himself.
As Cherise presents what would it be like for our teenagers if there were true role models that lived life as an example, to express what we feel and is true for us, not do what is the ‘norm’ to fit in and be liked.

A great point to ponder on Alison, if it is true that we are indeed all equal in essence as men and women is it not also true that we all carry a longing to be love, be loved and be met with and for the natural fragility and tenderness that we so deeply are.

Gemma Rubina says:September 12, 2015 at 10:15 am

could we say tenderness is the new black? goes well no matter the occasion or season, a timeless classic that will never go out of fashion 🙂

Totally agree with you Rod, it is a really amazing article for men to read, because when women claim back their tenderness and say no to one night stands and sexting, it offers a reflection to men that they can also say no and let go of the hardness and the need to “score” to be seen as manly with their mates.

Very well said Rod. It’s what we ALL crave. Men and women. “Genuine connection and love”. A great blog Cherise that honestly reveals the lengths that we go to to deny ourselves the very thing we crave.

Yes I agree Otto… a true loving connection and what we do to avoid this amazes me and is something I have become more deeply aware of recently. It’s ironic that what I want most of all I still will abuse in some way due to my hurts.

It is so very true Rod that all we – both men and women – are seeking is “genuine connection and love”, but for so many of us we have simply been looking in the wrong place, not knowing that it was already within us. Imagine the change in the way we live if this was taught to every child from a very early age!

Rod I would have loved to have had an appreciation for my sacredness as I was growing up, I know I didn’t have any conscious sense or regard for my femaleness and that resulted in not appreciating myself, the beginning of a long road away from myself!

Thank you for sharing how important it is for all men to read this no different to all women Rod Harvey. When we deepen our relationship with ourselves we cannot but want to share and deepen this with others.

Refreshing and inspirational Cherise. I love the strength I can feel in you claiming that alcohol, one night stands and all the things that go with it are not loving in any way for us. You take an honest standpoint by saying it was not really you doing this where such honesty is sadly rare in society today.

Hi Joshua, yes it’s awesome that we don’t have to dwell or stay being hard on ourselves for the past choices we have made and that there is nothing to prove. Actually, we can just be aware of them and learn from them, pretty cool.

Yes Ariana, I am still aware when I go into reaction or hardness and sometimes it is hard just to treat it as a learning tool when caught up in it in the moment. I tend to sit with it and allow it to be there, giving it some space. From this distance I find it easier to be objective about it and then I find realisations are made without trying and I can feel the truth of them. If I can’t get there on my own then I’ll ask for some support.

I agree Josh – to go against the society norm, we come up against a lot of criticism – but perhaps this is simply our choices reflecting back to others something that they are not willing to even consider or let go of yet.
In choosing to drop a pattern of one night stands, alcohol and clubbing, I felt as if part of my routine and identity was lost – but in truth this was simply a way to not be me to those I met. I was setting up the perfect situation to meet people not as me, but as a version of me. So therefore how can anyone truly know who I am, how can true relationships be formed like this? They can’t. Since saying no to this sort of lifestyle, I have made more meaningful and loving relationships than I have at any other time in my life.

I agree Shevon. When I was in that scene I didn’t really care whether things would hurt the next day – I didn’t feel like taking care of myself enough to stop hurting the next day. My red line was not to do things that could stay with me for the rest of my life and I avoided all of those. There seem to be degrees of self abuse and it has been wonderful over the last years to get away from more and more subtle forms of being less than who I am.

I love what you write here, Ariana: make loving choices normal. Loving choices are not common, in fact most people make absolutely loveless choices and want another to fix them afterwards.
Very refreshing blog, Cherise, showing how great we are at fooling ourselves and burying our feelings to be liked and get attention.

I loved reading your blog Cherise, very refreshing to hear someone talk about how we go along with things in life to fit in or be liked, all the while overriding what we absolutely know is true. Amazing that you now make choices that honour and support you, a real inspiration for all women!

Yes, I often used to go along with things to fit in and be liked. I always knew on some level that what I was doing was deeply dishonouring to myself and yet at the time it felt more important to get the approval of others. Overriding what I knew to be true, my choices would literally devestate me. I would feel so compromised and would be feeling a lot of sadness and lack of self worth. However I have found too that the more we truly honour our feelings by making self loving choices the more that self worth builds and the easier it becomes to say no.

I continue to find it amazing to see where the old patterns of being liked or needing something in return come into play in even the smallest of situations. To be opened to exposing them is a great gift and to use them as a confirmation back to the self worth I hold dearly and say no to the old ways is a forever process that really does support me to not hold back my truth around anyone. Thank you all for your comments!

Great blog Cherise, written with a lot of playfulness and compassion towards yourself but all the while expressing your truth. There is no better way to be “liked” but really, and actually, LOVED than that. “Sexting” hahaha I still can’t believe we have found a way to use our phones to an even more crazy level. Humanity really is bored of trying to find new ways of distraction isn’t it…

It’s so true Phil, and completely and utterly crazy at the same time.. It is also very exposing of the new ‘technology’ ways that people will find to fill the lack of intimacy they are really feeling in everyday reality and relationships with others. The false sense of connection with someone bares no ounce of comparison to the true and loving intimacy that two people can (absolutely) experience when they don’t hold back from bringing all of themselves to the table – and with no electronic equipment between them!

Thank you Cherise, a beautifully, honest account exposing the loveless “norms” of society. In the past I too have sold out and given away my power only to feel that horror in my body afterwards. Universal Medicine teachings helped me to connect with a level of self love I had forgotten. A level at which I could no longer abuse myself.

I had been in the same position, living a ‘normal’ but actually quite painful life. To no longer abuse myself and develop more ‘loving of self’ ways has become the new normal which isn’t actually new at all really. Just that I had forgotten it in my efforts to fit in to what was currently acceptable. I am thankful for the role models like Cherise and many other commenters here and the inspiration they provide me and others.

This is so universal – and I feel you speak for so many women, who accept and allow less than the incredible sacredness they know within. Also – it’s so true what you wrote about us all holding back waiting for someone else to be the first to show real love, when what a different world it would be if we all decided no matter what, we were going to love first, and not wait for someone else to bring that love.

That is a great point that you’ve picked up Meg – “why wait for someone else to be the first to show real love, when what a different world it would be if we all decided no matter what, we were going to love first, and not wait for someone else to bring that love.”

What a remarkable world indeed – it would certainly take the merry-go-round cycle of ‘waiting for love’ out of the picture. Kind of like the chicken or the egg philosophy, what comes first if we wait for the other to be their lovely selves first? And who is out there reflecting that love is within us, first and foremost, if people are holding back and not choosing to live this truth for themselves – that we are love. Thank you Meg and Fiona.

This is a really beautiful point Meg, why wait indeed for another to show love first, its crazy to wait and see what hand you are dealt when you can shuffle the pack in whatever way you choose. The ball is always in our court, game on!!!

Yes what a world it would be Cherise and you know, just one woman doing this consistently, which I am having the great fortune to experience in my wife, is truly life changing. So much protection letting go and yes some of the old feeling of mistrust and not being deserved still comes up at times, but that love and sacredness when consistent has the power to blow it all out of the water.

Thank you Cherise – a great blog exposing how we set our ourselves up in so many ways. I’m sure many people can relate to your experiences – I know I can! How often we over-ride what we know and feel just to get a few crumbs of affection to try and fill the emptiness – which it never can of course. How we seek outside of ourselves for something that can only be filled from within and then shared with all.

So true Eunice, and the ‘crumbs’ you speak of bear no ounce of compare to the true love that I have experienced within myself firstly, and then within my relationships. This also shows that we never need settle for anything less than what we truthfully feel is loving.

Absolutely Cathy, it is great to have an example of how we can live and enjoy looking after ourselves and find that a far more satisfying experience than trashing ourselves each weekend in the name of a “good time”!

A great account exposing how we have sought on the outside for affection and recognition, rather than looking within. We have work to do to show by example to young people that there’s a different way.

Thank you Gill, this is very true – there is work to do and a different way possible to inspire everyone. There are so many beliefs and behaviours in our society that are unloving and we need to share (yes with our young men and women especially) that there is indeed a more loving and honouring self-relationship that we can have, so as to not place unnecessary hurts on the tender beings we really are, and also on to our bodies.

Deep down we all know this isn’t the way. We settle for it because it appears to be all there is. Thank you Cherise for sharing how you stepped out of this cobweb of illusion, with the support of Universal Medicine, and discovered a true and loving way to be.

It is lovely to hear the difference you know and can feel in your body. It is a shame we are not taught to honour our bodies and what we feel from infants. All too often we make the mistakes first and learn after as a result of the consequences we experience. How amazing that we can bring the love to ourselves first and foremost and show others there is another way.

Loved this blog Cherise and loved your honesty, the world would be a very different place if we taught our children a true sense of self worth and self love. They would learn to feel what is true and not over-ride their feelings, as I and many others have done in the past as a way to try to fit in or to please. I know my life would have been very different if I had known what the words self worth and self love really meant and what it was to honour them.

Cherise I love this line “sweep away many of the beliefs and ideals that I had accumulated over my life, and arose to see myself more clearly as a beautiful woman”. In it I can feel your understanding for your choices and how you hold no judgement for those choices but a steadfast love. What an awesome reflection and role model the younger generation already have in you and all others who are making these self loving choices.

Thank you Vanessa, I agree that that is the key to truly healing and letting go of our past choices – to not identify with them and therefore not hold judgement over ourselves. I have noted that it is the hardness on myself that delays my natural ability to move through issues and see things for what they were – and all that I knew at the time. Love is our greatest foundation and love won’t beat us up for making an unloving choice, it merely presents another way, another choice and so we learn and move on and as you say, inspire others to make loving choices too.

Thank you Cherise, I really appreciate the honesty with which you have written about the journey you have taken and how ‘I knew that I held a deep and loving connection with myself and what was right for me, but I was overriding my own inner-knowing with the beliefs that I thought were true.’ Peer pressure is huge in society and how great that you are a shining example of a woman who has recognised the damage such loveless behaviour causes and made the choice to honour her own sacredness.

Thank you Helen, I would say that ‘overriding’ our otherwise natural and solid awareness is one of the biggest illnesses in our society. How often do we look back on something, a situation or a choice and say yes, I did actually know that didn’t ‘feel right’ and yet overrode what we undeniably felt – and why? because we were afraid of saying no to someone else or because we thought we wouldn’t fit in?
What I have experienced is that when I do honour what I feel is right, I am in fact inspiring others to see things from a different perspective as well. I’m also not going along with something that doesn’t feel right, which would instead hurt both of us in the end.

It’s so beautiful that with the support from Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine practitioners and your own Will you are freeing yourself Cherise. I too know the priceless precious benefits of the support from Universal Medicine which is worthy of a Nobel Prize.

Thank you for a really open and honest article. By allowing these subject to be spoken about, from a place of having healed the driving force behind the behaviours, it gives men and women an opportunity to see another way of being with relationships. Awesome!

This exposes so much so clearly, how we look for love outside of ourselves and how much that really hurts; and what we do to ‘fit in’ or not truly feel what is going on for us. So much of what you have written resonates with me, the disregard of drinking and waking up the next day in a complete mess, the loveless relationships that I would try and justify to myself that they were loving. It doesn’t mean we cannot be in relationships it just means there is a different and far lovelier way if we allow it.

That’s very true Vicky, relationships are so important and we are constantly in relationship with ourselves and others every day. The question is what quality of relationship are we choosing to live and be with others so that we are supporting true intimacy and the deeply loving connection that is possible?

Cherise, I love what you say, “The question is what quality of relationship are we choosing to live and be with others so that we are supporting true intimacy and the deeply loving connection that is possible?” This is definitely something to really ponder on, as it changes how we are with everything and everyone.

Thank you Cherise for this very inspiring article. It’s great to get a better understanding and have compassion for the choices we have made as it then gives us the opportunity to heal any hurts that are still buried.

Thank you Cherise for sharing your experience with us. It reminds me of how I also felt empty and shameful when I allowed my body to be dishonoured as a young woman. There was no-one there to share these experiences with or tell me otherwise, and so I completely agree that it is crucial to instil a sense of self-care and honouring in young women wherever possible during this potent and often confusing time of life.

It’s true that there is a shame and a guilt that we can carry around these situations, and for a very long time. What I found was that when I did speak with a Universal Medicine practitioner about my experience, I instantly felt the heaviness of the shame I held and how that was hindering my ability to truly learn from and heal what had happened. To know that it wasn’t something I needed to hold judgement or beat myself up about, but rather understand that I know a deeply more loving way to live and with this as my foundation, I could let go of those past choices and make new and loving ones.
It’s amazing really – there is so much to appreciate when we look at all of our choices and experiences from the knowing that we are naturally very loving.

Beautiful Cherise, your experiences are so common, how we put ourselves through such awful situations in order to “have some fun” and attempt to connect to others, only to then spend days recovering, vowing never to do it again, then next week, fuelled by our emptiness, do exactly the same thing! How amazing to find your self in amongst all this disregard and to re-claim your “most powerful tool – self love.” I can feel the true beauty in you emerging through all the confusion and desperation, claiming your true power: “My connection to my inner-heart is gracious and solid and because I know this I will never have to give my power away to a substance that only serves to abuse or numb me from the truth, or override my feelings with adopted ideals or beliefs.” Awesome!

This is a fantastic blog sharing on so many levels – for me when I didn’t listen to what felt right I ended up in situations that were not loving or respectful towards myself with men. But when I did listen and honour my feelings, I was in situations with men that were loving and respecting of me. Learning to listen and do what feels right for me has been a very interesting and healing experience.

Thank you Natalie, I agree with you that when we honour the very essence of who we are we can find ourselves around others who clearly honour themselves and us too (or perhaps those that choose not to). Either way, the point is that we can see and feel it clearly from our own marker of self-honouring, and never need to settle for any relationship that doesn’t honour both people equally so.

Reading your blog Cherise I realised we as women, have chosen to dis-regard our innate knowing that we are precious and sacred and fall for the ideals and beliefs that we must let go of who we are and conform. If we were all taught that it is absolutely normal to love ourselves first, then we would connect to that innate knowing in us all and would not allow ourselves to be abused in any way, shape or form. I have allowed this abuse and given my power away to having sex because I did not love myself enough to say no, yet my whole body was saying no. I over-rode my feelings and shut myself off and as a consequence there was no true love for the other person. Thank you Cherise for opening up this important topic, we as women carry self worth or self loathing issues and until we address these we will always be at the mercy of ideals and beliefs and the need to please and be liked.

What I got from this blog is the fact that, we as men and women know when there is or is not a true connection when we get involved with someone.
I have found that lack of self-worth and alcohol are a dangerous combination when it comes to making the decision to get involved with someone. On the occasions when I did go clubbing and drank alcohol, I always seemed to hook up with the most unlikely people and when we would meet up when sober, it was always obvious that there was not a true connection.

As has been said before in these comments – this is a great read for men too, as we try to figure out what games we are playing rather than just being our tender and sensitive selves. Also agree that it is bonkers what crazy behaviours (like sexting) we have managed to invent with our new technology – the impact of this on peoples lives is devastating.

I agree Simon and thank you, it is equally important for both men and women to let go of the (tiring) old games we have played with each other. Loving intimacy and a true connection is there and waiting when we do.. and from my experience, is something that bares no comparison with its depth of expression and beauty to the old behaviours I once dabbled with.

This line really stood out for me… “I was giving my power away to an ideal of who I thought I should be and I invested in my desired outcome..” This has been a great reminder for me and I noticed I did this just the other day – it was something I seemed to slip into as I had a conversation with a man I had just met and then afterwards I wondered “what happened, I’ve changed?” This feeling of having to be different to other women or being something for a man – caring, a good listener, wanting to help them, understanding etc has been quite strong. It is all done for an outcome – to be loved by another and valued. As I read this I can feel these patterns more clearly – it is something I can now see for what it is and let go of.

Thank you for sharing Susan, I can feel that the depth of this sentence in particular is ongoing in the sense that it arrises in many aspects and situations in my day. I have been able to note the old pattern of walking in to a room, or finding myself in any situation where I am looking to fill a ‘picture’ – ‘how am I to be seen here’; a stark contrast to the experience I have when I am completely filled with my own Self-worth and I walk in a way that is opened to others and not setting out to have my needs met or likewise fill the needs of another.
Actually, I recently wrote a blog about Self-worth: Honouring the Beautiful Woman I Am and I can clearly see (and deeply appreciate) the new choices I am making to honour myself as a woman first, which then naturally carry across to my connections with others.

Great blog Cherise, through your own experiences you show how all we really want is connection, both to ourselves and to others. Your honest account covers those most gregarious substitutions for that lack of connection, but I also find other more subtle ways to cover up these feelings like choosing something comforting to eat, something that will cover over an uncomfortable feeling such as not feeling good enough or feeling deeply sad. Food of choice?: something sweet or starchy, both will do the job either by speeding up my nervous system so I don’t have the sensitivity to feel what’s going on, or else make me more numb to the underlying feelings.

Very true Rosanna – it is possible to use anything to numb or ‘cover up’ our awareness and to try to avoid what it is we are really feeling. But when we give ourselves the permission to be aware of the root of what we feel it can at first feel difficult (perhaps a little confronting) to feel – especially as you say, when it is a lack of connection or the lack of intimacy that we are living with and what it is that we are actually craving.
If all the while this connection is natural (second-nature) and within us, we have the choice to choose and live by this in any moment.

Such an honest and open blog Cherise thank you for sharing. This whole site is inspiring in the way so many different people have shared what are sensitive and intimate details of their lives, just so that others can learn from their experiences.

Thank you Ryan, I agree, it does not only bring a beautiful healing and openness for me when I share my experiences with you all, but to do so without the hardness or shame on myself for past choices, equally allows for others to be inspired and self-reflect for themselves.

Thanks Cherise, you have captured in your blog the enormous pressures that both teenagers and adults are under from society, that clings to many self abusive behaviours and calls them normal. We have all been there. I too have found that by developing my ability to self love and self care that this develops an inner intelligence and wisdom from my body and my heart that has allowed me to see through some of these patterns of behaviour (still a work in progress) and not subscribe to them anymore. And slowly I am discovering to redefine what I would call our normal or natural way of being as a human being.

Thank you Andrew, I would agree with you that there is an opportunity to constantly deepen our relationship with ourselves and the inner wisdom you speak of, and with our consistency here I am finding that I have the opportunity presented in many more situations to exercise my own wisdom, and back myself in what feels right and honouring of me..
When I do this the outside pressures are having a far less hold over me, in fact I begin to feel even more that I am in control of my own choices in life and with my wisdom, I know exactly how to be within society.

Great point Andrew and the pressures and actions seem so normal as almost everyone else is caught up in the same behaviour. I would always join in with the crowds without questioning – was this really something that felt true for me? Over recent years, I’ve also started to build a level of living that is less influenced by the “outside normal” and instead based more on how I feel in myself. It feels far more freeing.

Great blog, that exposes how far away people can go from themselves to try and find themselves… I know in the past I searched for love and acceptance from others and had not realised that I could find it within myself…ground breaking stuff hey! Thank you for sharing.

“you won’t be any fun if you don’t drink”, I also subscribed to that point of view for a long time, crazy as it is now to look back and consider that I needed a substance that changed who I am, to make me believe I was having fun. The fun I am able to have now without alcohol is so much greater, and doesn’t have the consequences and the bad choices that went with it when I was drinking. I feel a strong self respect in choosing not to drink, not being swayed by peer pressure to act in a way that has become very normalised, yet clearly is quite damaging to our health.

I, too was a deal-with-the-pain-later gal. Not considering the consequences of my actions, and living in an irresponsible way. I had an experience at a young age too, where I just went along with what was offered, not choosing to speak up when it didn’t feel right. I had no respect for myself so its not hard to see now why others did not respect me either.
Cue self love where – as you say here – women living with an appreciation, love and respect for themselves first have an opportunity to be a role model to others.
An amazing opportunity.

Amazing Cherise. I would say that I’m in the thick of what you talked about at the start of your blog – teenagers as young as 12 or 13 are having sex, regularly getting drunk, sexting, doing drugs, the list could well go on. Because they are starting so young when you get to my age group (15) everything is ten times more extreme… You could name anything – drug, crime, whatever you can think of, and most likely I could find someone in my year that has done it. For example, there is a boy who I’ve never actually met but is my age, and went to my school for a year or so who has been charged for rape not once, but TWICE. On top of things like that I personally know 2 girls that got pregnant at age 14, and one (who has already given birth) who had to drop out of school to take care of her baby… There are many other stories I could share but I wanted to highlight that you are absolutely correct; at ‘increasingly younger ages’, because they are under social pressure or just have the need to feel something (or numb something), alcohol, sex etc. is the ‘normal’ for an ever growing number of young people.

I find it quite shocking Susie what you are saying here that children – yes children as young as 12 are already so lost that they are regularly having sex, drinking – getting drunk. This feels like an epidemic which is spreading and is accepted as normal. It is incredibly sad that our children have lost their connection so early and that the behaviours are so extreme at this young age. Its time to call a stop to this and guide young people back to the truth of who they are.

Well said Susie, being in the age of 22 years and seeing around me the level of disregard and need for love outside of young women, only thinking that they are something when they are dating a guy, fully relying on the attention they get in order to feel ‘they have some kind of worth’. A deep sad state. Yet we are all aware that this lack of self-worth is abusing us all the way… and that it is not so innocent an issue. Like you shared Susie Williams, we have to wake up and really feel what and want to see what is going on. If this continues – the abuse, self- hate, lack of self -love, suïcide, rape, sexual misconduct will rise and rise – with all our consent – because we have let it have its go. We need to speak up – and make sure we not forget any one – we as young women need to value ourselves, our strength, our beauty, our absolute truth, our divine heart every single bit of it. So we know who we are – our worth – and so we won’t accept any longer this endless treadmill of lack of self-worth that is driving us forth – in direction to further abuse and disregard our bodies. This is not our way, this is not natural and we should never accept that state of being – no longer. We have to see that this issue (lack of self-worth) is causing many many hurts, harms and for sure lifes of devastation, illness and disease.

In my attempt to find and ‘feel’ love from a man, I too made unloving choices in my teens to numb the pain I felt inside. I finally faced that pain in my 40’s, and let go of the shame I was carrying.
Yet, it is not until now 30 years later that I am finding my true self worth and self love with the support of Universal Medicine and blogs like yours Cherise.

Thank you Cherise. In reading this blog and all the comments, I was able to realise some past situations where I was still being hard on myself for the unloving choices I had made and to choose to be more loving with myself instead.

A beautiful honest blog Cherise. Great that you, ‘ reconnected to my most powerful tool – self-love – and with this love I could not only feel the truth of the lovely and deeply tender woman that I really am, but that the choices I had made in the past were never really me. There is now no place for hardness towards myself or others, only understanding and compassion for how our choices came to be.’

Whist reading your blog Cherise I was struck by my sense of SHAME of doing and being the opposite of the norm as a teenager and young woman. I decided to wait for a meaningful relationship with a man until I had sex for the first time. As that didn’t happen until the age of 21 I carried shame that I was still a virgin from the age of 16 till that time. I also carried the tension that I wasn’t doing what others were doing which held a certain intensity in my body, even though I knew that sleeping around was not something that was right for me. Never once did I appreciate that this was actually an incredibly self-loving choice and going against the grain was amazing because I did what I felt was true for me. Your blog has enabled me to confirm just how respectful I was to myself and to think there was something wrong in that was crazy.

Thank you for sharing Rachel, it confirms to me that whatever the choices we are making for ourselves, they are ours to claim and claim so in full – as the self-supportive and self-cherishing ways we can all choose to live are so deeply precious and we are so very worth it.

I can relate to what you have shared here Rachel…I also felt the odd one out as a teenager and didn’t succumb to the pressure around me, however I buried & numbed myself into sport instead. So different story, but same game really as I was not choosing to be and express who I truly was. At age 19 when I left home to live in a big city, my first sexual experience was fuelled by not wanting to be a virgin anymore – not because I loved this person at all. I can say the same for my first long-term relationship – I didn’t want to be single anymore. The societal pressure that is felt to ‘fit in’ is huge. I am so glad that I am now able to understand why I made those choices then and now appreciate the loving choices that I am making in my life now.

This is interesting you share this Rachel because I have sometimes thought that I too am a virgin at the age of 23 and the pressure from society that I am missing out or isolating myself by not engaging with the norm. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this at all and as I am realising, is an absolute joy to feel I can celebrate this with my future partner

Gorgeously expressed Joshua as what you claim by expressing this joy and intimate relationship with yourself and future partner is not only history making it is bound to be the new normal, as it will be lived and inspire us all.

It is an amazing loss of power and reason to be swayed by how another thinks of us, I imagine most women and men are heavily influenced by what others think of them and from this basis make choices that are not true or supportive of what we actually want. I found there was great power and confirmation for me in saying, I no longer drink, as I knew this was me actually carrying out a true act of self love and care. But I can recognise how much I govern my life by the responses I will get from another and this does not feel healthy or supportive for me or anyone I meet.

I agree Stephen… perhaps this is our achilles heel? How much we govern life by the responses we get from others and if those responses are just reactions and not motivated by truth then just exactly what quality of choices are we making?

Wow Cherise, through your blog I can clearly feel the difference between making love and having sex. Making love is connected in our sacredness. Having sex is from a different place, I always had sex from an emptiness and often made me to feel my sadness deeply afterwards. Having sex for me was almost always related to drinking alcohol, I needed a drink to override my uncertainty I felt related to having sex. Compared to how I make love nowadays I cannot imagine to have alcohol associated with that, because alcohol numbed me from my feelings, made me hard and disconnected from my tenderness and delicateness and, that is just exactly what making love is about, to connect from the grace we innately are.

Yes, the initial prospect of life without alcohol (and other drugs) can seem impossible, or impossibly boring; but if we take the time and self care to actually deal with our emotional issues which underlie, and necessitate, our use of such drugs, then these damaging habits simply fall away, to make way for a life lived of true joy, which simply does not need any of these drugs to make it anything different to what it is – to who we truly are.

Great blog, it is amazing the lengths we go to to fit in or ‘have fun’ but as I found, it is not so easy to escape the after effects of all the drinking and partying. Then it was a question of for how much longer will I continue with it.

From this article, one cannot help but to lean and feel how big a role those 2 factors, “peer pressure” and “trying to fit in”, play in young people’s lives today. As Cherise honestly and beautifully wrote, if the connection to inner-self and self-love is lost, weakened or numbed, it is so easy for us to succumb “peer pressure” and feeling of “trying to fit in”. A great reminder of how important it is to be in the “Livingness” every moment. Thank you Cherise.

A beautifully written blog by Cherise that unapologetically illustrates the ride that many of us go on simply to fit in at the expense of ourselves. We allow societal expectations to dominate our choices, even though the repercussion are detrimental to our health and well-being and largely remain unchallenged. We know, as Cherise did, that on a deeper level what is true, but the drive to ‘be part of it’ dominates our thinking … and once we have made the choice to check out / dull down the potential for clarity and choosing a different way is gone.

Serge Benhayon presents a way of living that honours from the inside out, not the other way around… Via self-love, self-care the honouring returns and eventually the drive to self-abuse dissipates as there is nothing feeding it. It is vital that the youth of today are shown that there is another way, the way of The Livingness.

I can feel from your blog how hard we can often get with ourselves when we want to fit in, and try to comply to every aspect that we think is ‘acceptable’ and/or to get the attention we want. As I observe with people around me and have experienced as a young boy with my parents drinking. The alcohol is something people think of as making them become who they truly are, and this while there are things happening like sexting and one night stands under the influence of it … Is this who we truly are? I don’t think so.

So well said Benkt. How deeply lost we must be if we begin to think we need a substance from outside to make us feel more full of ourselves. It is amazing the lengths we can go to to fill a ‘void’ we feel from not living our true fullness each and everyday. And simply I have found this true fullness is just from letting everyone in and being the love I truly am.

Beautifully expressed Joshua, thank you.
It’s a game to think we can fill a loveless void with more loveless behaviour or physically with loveless, abusive substances – it actually fills an empty space around and within us that is always in our potential to fill with another energy, that of love, a way of being and living that will forever support us and that is the fullness of who we are, which is ‘the love I truly am’ as you say.

As I read your blog Cherise I can feel just how important it is that we become role models for younger women. I had a picture of groups of young women coming together with older women to talk and share. Those of us that are reclaiming our self-worth, sacredness and self-love have much wisdom to offer on being a woman, and vice versa, but to be able to sit and talk and share the understandings we’ve come to would be beautiful and is clearly much needed.

Absolutely Michelle, I agree with you wholeheartedly – groups of younger and older women coming together to share – so empowering and liberating for all.
Attending Women’s groups presented by Universal Medicine Practitioners Natalie Benhayon and Sara Williams have already made this possible for us all to explore together, which has opened the way for amazing changes young and old alike.

I absolutely agree Michelle, could it be that this is the way of true inspiration and elder wisdom in life. To share openly of our own experiences of life so that we may share with others of any age that ‘we tried it that way’ ‘it did not work’ and that ‘we have learnt another way’ – not ever from a dictation or knowing better, but from a way that says I’m a student of life and my own way of living and I can equally learn from another what it is that I learn for myself. It sounds like a true way of extended family living as well.

Cherise, thanks for being so honest about the fact that you were seeking support from Universal Medicine Practitioners whilst still choosing to be somewhat reckless with yourself. Although this isn’t the main point of the story here, it is however a very real point. Coming back to ourselves takes time, and I know for myself and many of my friends, we are extremely hard on ourselves when we are not living our full potential because we have this idea that because we are getting the support we need we should be killing it out there in the world. We can be very good at giving our power away to those supporting and forget that healing can only ever come from us. And it’s ok for that to take some time, after all, there are some very heavy and thick patterns that need to slowly be dissolved, before we get to the absolute clarity that is sitting underneath.

I agree Elodie, this point was a very important part of the self-honesty that I was bringing to myself. Exposing my choices to still make self-abusive or harmful choices was a great learning about the fact that I am (we are) never to reach some point of perfection. In fact, I have learnt that this is impossible as a self-loving choice I made for myself. Last week for example has been and gone and rather than trying to match that which I’ve previously chosen, I’m finding a deeper level to always go to is possible.
I also observe that many friends (and I too) can become hard on ourselves for not living up to a potential that is felt to live by, and yet what if the tension felt – that there is always more and deeper to go – is actually a normal part of life? And something to develop a relationship with and hold as precious, as it consistently shows us that there is much appreciation to be felt in the fact we can make consistent choices to deepen and evolve.

So many women give their sacredness away in return for affection, and when the affection is no longer there they are left bereft and abandoned and feeling worthless. We give it away because we are not aware of it, as I did many times, not only sexually but in other ways as well. However, learning to connect with our sacredness and allowing it to grow and flower and fill us with our own Love, there is no way we will give ourselves away anymore.

This is an amazing blog and reading some of your replies to the comments Cherise are equally beautiful in how you have been able to just let go of the shame and self-blame. Rather than giving myself a hard time and hiding and numbing from feeling my choices that lead to negative outcomes I can appreciate that something within me actually knows and feels that those choices were not what I naturally deserve to experience. And that not all my choices are negative, I can and have experience of making self-loving choices that do not deserve to just happen and then forevermore be ignored.

Thank you Leigh and I agree, giving ourselves a hard time about our choices made feels to be a waste of time and energy spent … when the opportunity to make our next supportive choice is already presented and ready to take.

To be liked by men you need to be different to other women, not controlling, manipulative or emotional…. I too have felt like this most of my life. I wonder how on earth did I (and obviously others) come to a point where our value of ourselves and who we are was so trodden down? Thank goodness for Universal Medicine inspired events like the Girl To Woman Festival where we can break this cycle of self-loathing and offer girls and women another way… their way.

Great question Heather, the value of ourselves as young girls and as women is seen to be so depleted in our societies that it is no wonder the choices to belittle ourselves and emotionally abuse or manipulate take place. The Girl to Woman Festival was the first real community event that I have been a part of where it wasn’t about finding solutions or bandaids to the issues we see arising with our daughters and our girls – but from a connection and celebration of the beautiful women and girls we really are. Could it be that it’s from this foundation that a true change can occur? As girls and women truthfully begin to cherish and appreciate who they truly are.

I love your honesty Cherise. How easy it can be to think that the way of life you used to take part in was ‘the only way’. I too can relate to the way I abused myself so recklessly and carelessly in order to get ‘something’ from men, or the world. The physical pain I felt from the alcohol, late nights out, painful high-heels, lack of sleep etc. was nothing compared to the deep pain I felt of having disrespected myself in such a way… Always resulting in that recurring promise of ‘never again…’
Thank God there is another Way, and to Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine for lovingly living it.

Thank God indeed Kylie, there is so much to appreciate in the choices that were once made, without an ounce of self-love or in honour of a woman’s natural delicacy and beauty and the choices that are currently being made from a new foundation of simple respect. Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon have provided a shining marker for me to know for myself that there is no depth of the quality and loveliness that I can choose for myself in each and every day.

It’s so true Cherise. This is the opposite of the way that is now considered ‘normal’ in society, where life is often about abusing yourself or pushing as hard as you can get away with. Everything at the expense of the body.

However, as you say, there is ‘no depth of the quality and loveliness that I can choose for myself in each and every day’ and there is indeed no end to the preciousness we can choose for ourselves in each moment.

I too thought that this lifestyle was the only way. I knew it didn’t feel good and that it was empty but I thought that by living this lifestyle I would eventually find love. It was as though if I tried harder, I would feel ok, as if I just wasn’t doing it right. Not at one point did I ever think there was another way. It seems so crazy now!

Thank God indeed Kylie, there is so much to appreciate in the choices that were once made, without an ounce of self-love or in honour of a woman’s natural delicacy and beauty and the choices that are currently being made from a new foundation of simple respect. Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon have provided a shining marker for me to know for myself that there is no depth of the quality and loveliness that I can choose for myself in each and every day.

When we are living in a disconnected way, we let anything fill the space to make ourselves feel connected, be it to something or someone. What we let in can be thrilling or emotive, which stimulates the senses. The greater the lack of self love, the greater the level of numbness that we endure, we are just filling the void.

Beautifully expressed Cherise. I love reading your stories, I can relate to everything you wrote and experienced. My teenage years were almost identical. I too have made similar changes, bringing more self- love into my life with the help of a couple of NEW role models (Not magazines and peers telling you how you need to be) Role models that inspire me simply by the way that they live. I found these women through the work of Universal Medicine. You are one of those awesome, inspirational women. I can see the delicate and preciousness you speak of in the way you are and am starting to feel these qualities more and more in me too. Thank you for sharing.

This is a great, honest sharing Cherise, there would be so many women that experience the same thing to you, It’s sad because this is becoming so normal. Your sharing offers a lot to all of the women that do see this as normal!

Cherise, this is so beautiful. The pressure we can feel growing up, to ‘fit in’ and ‘override’ what is felt that is true for us, can at times be overwhelming. Disregard can then be paramount in the choices we make. It is not surprising then the snow ball effect that can occur, when you override what is initially felt, make decisions that don’t make you feel empowered or worthy, then the self abuse that can follow, feel bad about oneself. It can be a vicious cycle and a hard one to break. I personally have had experience of that cycle, only with it shifting after making more self loving choices and listening to my body.

This ‘giving away of ourselves’ for girls and women is more and more seen as normal. We now present it as a part of our equal rights. Deep inside, each of us knows this type of connection is not true yet rarely is it openly spoken about. For me I knew it was not right yet couldn’t claim the self worth for myself it would take to openly do it differently, so I just subscribed to the view ‘there is something wrong with me’ and closed up more and more. People, even my family, thought I was secretly gay because I did not say yes to these types of relationships and I just closed up more. I even resorted to lying about one night stands (so weird I know!). I am still working on claiming my own self worth and opening up enough to be open to the possibility of a relationship that offers true connection.

Thanks Cherise, your honesty in telling it like it is, or was, is inspiring. It is no surprise what we do to fit in or be liked, but it is surprising just how much we override how the body feels in order to achieve this. I remember drinking for different reasons, but fitting in was definitely part of it. There were a number of times, feeling the next day that I did things that just weren’t like me, but I still kept drinking, overriding my awareness as well. Drinking is another choice that is considered normal, because so many people do it, being common does not make it normal.

‘Being common does not make it normal’ – This is so true Mark, and as I have made more choices that are seemingly uncommon in comparison to those of others around me, when I take comparison out of the equation, it is as simple as saying that I am making choices that are now completely normal for me.

Unfortunately, I feel many people live on the premise that they will “deal with it later”, but when the later comes it is often too late, the damage is done. I also went down the route of drinking alcohol to “enjoy” myself more, dancing the night away and one night stands, and this was when I was in my late 40’s! Someone said to me “well you didn’t do it when you were young so you had to get it out of your system” – NOT CORRECT. How many of us live under the illusion that these things have to be done, that it is a normal part of life. I was not dealing with my hurts and just looking for love and damaging myself in the process. My life has turned around since discovering Universal Medicine, I no longer drink alcohol and have no desire to dance the night away. This is not a normal way to live and, yes, let’s be role models for young people to show them that it is OK to be true to yourself and to stop trying to fit in to what you think society expects.

I too experienced people telling me that, because I hadn’t tried such behaviours in my younger years, it was Ok and even encouraged to experiment with the opportunities. However, everything about my body and the delicateness that I have always had told me loudly and clearly that this was not something that I would ever want to do – It’s amazing to me now to see just how easily I overrode what I knew with what I thought I could do and not be affected by it, simply because I wasn’t cherishing myself and feeling worthy of the deep level of love and respect that I now know without a doubt.

Dear Cherise,
I am rereading your writing today and love the honesty that you have written this article with, along with feeling just how much you have claimed the beautiful woman you are. I so know what you are talking about when you say that sexting is no different to having sex. As I have lived my life it wasn’t sexting that I played a part in, but I used sexual innuendos in my talking and definitely hardened my body to express in this way. What I am becoming to understand and feel that talking in this way, be it verbally, sexting, emailing, what ever form of communication, is that it is super hurtful. I had an experience last weekend where another spoke this way in my presence and I could feel the arrogance of talking in this way. The person who was speaking had no connection to what she had said, nor did she feel in any way that how she spoke was not ok. Once upon a time that was me. I am so glad that this is a choice I no longer make. Thanks to my choice to self love I can now feel how horrible this is. As yucky as the experience was, the wisdom that I have gained from it is never ending.

Cherise, I can relate to so much you have said in this blog, and it is deeply felt.
Challenging these behaviours that leave us feeling empty, drained, unfulfilled and far from the beautiful sacred women we are is so important – words cannot express how important.
Your honesty with your journey is inspirational – there are so many I’m sure who will be able to relate to this and learn how they too can start to heal and bring true harmony back into their lives. Thank you.

Thank you Amelia, I deeply agree; and appreciating the beautiful and sacred women that we are means that we are absolutely deserving of cherishing and loving ourselves in this way – and so we may equally love and cherish the relationships we have with all men too.

Quite a confronting blog for me Cherise in that I feel disturbed that the “norm”seems to be shifting in such a disregarding and extremely harmful way. It is our responsibility to do all we can to halt this shift so that we all come back to a loving, healing way of being. Thank you Cherise for sharing your experiences.

Your honesty here in this article Cherise is awesome and what you have shared is what many of us I’m sure can relate to. In my 20’s I spent many nights drinking so much so that I lost myself (inhibitions I use to call it) and carry on with behaviour that in my right mind I would never do. This was all because I thought I was a boring person and I didn’t really like myself. It was a way not to have to feel my disconnection and in fact took me further away from me. I thought I was more fun and that people would like me more. Now, favouring my connection with myself way too much to even think of drinking a drop of alcohol, I enjoy just being me. As I connect more and more with the loveliness of me, I no longer need to look to others to validate me. When I find myself looking outside again, I know I have disconnected from me and make the commitment to come back to me.

This is a great point Donna, I know there have been many times when I have felt as though to be fun, exciting, and not boring I need to be something other than myself, I need to be something more or simply loose myself and be something completely different. All of this has been highly abusive in my body and deeply hurtful and harming to myself and it is so degrading to myself. Recently I have been learning to appreciate and love myself before anything else

Awesome blog Cherise. I’ve had the experience of feeling hesitant before having sex but overriding that anyway as well. It’s incredible what we will do to ourselves so that we feel like we fit in, belong or not have to be alone. I have also felt the sting of the afterwards wondering why I would do that or why I fell for that. It’s not until I introduced self love as well that I was able to change the behaviours.

I relate Emily, it is that sting that you speak of that is not so bad when we approach it from a new and true foundation that we are enough just as we are and that we are holding ourselves with love and not perfection, with worth and a willingness to grow and learn from what was experienced.

“I could feel that men and women were capable of true love and expression, but as I waited in expectation for another to share who they truly were with me, I was holding my own true self back…This is interesting, that we often wait for others to express, rather than expressing for ourselves because it feels to do so.

As a school teacher I see first hand how sexting is the norm. Many students are overly intimate together during break time and think nothing of this behaviour right in front of their peers. I would love to read this blog to my students.

That would be awesome Tracy, because all that I have written and learned for myself is there to share with all others so that we can all work together in this lifetime – to be honest about what we have lived, chosen and what has worked and has not, and perhaps this together way of inspiring each other will support us to make more of our own new choices – because we have seen or heard of someone who has learnt and chosen a different way and the benefits and growth that comes with it.

“It was normal to wake up with a headache or nausea, with blisters and bruises from unknown origins, missing belongings, exhaustion, dehydration and a vagueness.” I remember those days, when I would trade a few hours of pretending to be something I was not (and alcohol giving me the ‘permission’) only to then have to suffer for days afterwards. Why was I never alarmed that there were times when I had no recollection of what I had been doing – and who knows what I had been saying? The answer of course is that I did not want to stop and look at why I was being like that in the first place.

This is very true Simon, today, ‘reality for me is that if I was so sick, battered, bruised and exhausted there would be no part of me that wouldn’t be saying to myself ‘what on earth is going on?’ There is such a freedom and beauty that comes with wanting to and making the choice to stop and look at why choices were made in the first place. To me it is much more simple than pretending I don’t want to look at things with honesty and this is because I know my honesty comes with love and not a self-bashing or being judgmental or hard on myself. Shame doesn’t exist when we can always be learning and choose to claim the students of our own lives that we are.

This is a great blog Cherise what a pity we have to go through all that self abusing nonsense before we wake up to the truth, but I suppose they are the lessons we have to learn sometimes. Both boys and girls feel the pressure to have sex at too young an age, for as a guy in your teens you a definitely not one of the cool ones or in the so called ‘in crowd’ if you remain a virgin.

To me it feels that all the lessons have been exactly as has meant to be Kevin, I agree it is an overall shame that we indulge in the nonsensical behaviour before learning that. Actually that wasn’t quite true for me!

Cherise I recall those alcohol fuelled days and all that went with it (minus the sexting, thankfully that wasn’t around then). What particularly stood out was your reference to ‘fashioning our own ideals and beliefs’ around these behaviours. I recall being stuck in a loop thinking (no feeling cos I was too numb) this is the socially accepted way that we communicate with members of the opposite sex, and it will be in this environment that I have my needs met. Wrong. Finding yourself single in your 40’s and pursuing that agenda with the drunken late night formula surprisingly doesn’t work anymore… thankfully I was jolted out of my slumber by a very good friend introducing me to ideas around self-love and Universal Medicine teachings.

The dilemma young women find themselves in is well described here – if you don’t go along with being so-called carefree and easy and consenting to acts that don’t feel right, you are then scorned and derided, and when you go along and say yes to sexting and all the other variations the human mind comes up with, then you are also derided and scorned, but only after you have served your purpose and somebody has told you that they love you. Really? What is going on here?

Yes Gabrielle, very true… those women who don’t ‘go along with’ it’ are quickly labelled and ridiculed. The courageous girl is the one who says ‘No’ despite the pressure and labels that follow, the one who stays true to herself despite the peer pressure.

I agree, Jenny. However, not going along is almost TOO outrageous. Why would anyone do that?! seems to be the prevailing opinion.
Working with Serge Benhayon is amazing – I get more and more courage to just do and feel what is right, more precisely, what is love.

This is a great article Cherise sharing the dilemma that we are all liable to succumb to in our need to ‘fit in’, be accepted and be seen as ‘with it’. By making choices that honour you as the beautiful and loving person you are not being drawn into the downward spiraling ‘norm’ you are an inspiration to others that they also can make choices to do what feels right for them.

Awesome article and I love how you have exposed that sexting actually holds the same quality as having sex disguised as making love. It is so true, I have felt this before and I really didn’t like how it made me feel. Self-Love is an amazing tool where you get to cherish yourself like you would a baby.

What we take as ‘normal’ because everyone else is doing is, even if it doesn’t feel right or normal to us, shocking. I have done such normal things in the past and didn’t feel good about it. Deep inside we all have this inner knowing which we override and then don’t feel good within ourselves. If we stay with our inner knowing and not worry about being so called ‘normal’ how loving it can be, super loving, be it man or a woman. I just loved reading your sharing Cherise.

Thank you Cherise for beautifully articulating and exposing a lifestyle and behaviour that we have come to accept within our society as normal. When in fact it is far from ‘normal’ and far from the truth of who we are. Why settle for less than the love we are.

This line ‘to be liked’ you must be easy going, available and show that you’re different to other women – not controlling or manipulative or emotional, etc.” Amazing Cherise that you openly share this with us, I bet every women can relate to this line or something similar to it and it not be something we are proud of but as you say in our desire to be what we think we need to be we lose our connection with ourselves and others and life becomes about comparing or competing with each other, rather than supporting and nurturing each other. A great sharing thank you.

Cherise I grew up in a time when society was a bit more tame yet I too, gave “my power away to an ideal of who I thought I should be”. There is much pressure around us to be liked and desirable, to conform. Thank you for showing us an other way to be.

It’s interesting to see how the times have changed Patricia and how the ways in which behaviours are so far out of control and not normal these days to the point where so many think that they are normal – because that’s all that is seen around them. Interesting too as this is a time in history where we as society champion the great technology feats and advances we have made – and yet everyday people are feeling more lost, more pressure and disconnected to the point of giving their unique expression away to the ideals of what they think they should be.

Feeling you are not worthy of love to knowing that you are love and you are worth every drop. Beautiful. Thankyou for sharing your journey with us Cherise. I can relate with much of what you have shared and am sure thousands of other women can to.

This sentence just bowled me over with its absolute honesty and truth: “When the true marker of self-love was not there all I felt was the false excitement and heightened stimulation, the effort in trying to be all the right things to fill another’s fantasies and needs, and the deep emptiness and sadness within myself as I knew not only was there no true connection between us, but that I had overridden my own sacredness as a women through the choices I made to be less than who I was.” I’ve been there also Cherise and it is precisely as you describe it here. Such a sick, sick game..totally crazy, and yet, so common. The inspiration of self loving men and women will be the only thing to move us beyond this, just as it was for you, Cherise, and as it was for myself too.

Thanks Coleen, and it has been with the willingness to be self-caring and to learn another way, to make self-loving choices that easily leads to a deepening of our sacredness as women – and the cherishing, precious ways in which we can all now choose to hold ourselves with. The depth of this understanding continues to develop for me and bring so very much appreciation.

Thanks Cherise for a great article exposing the game that goes on between men and woman all in pursue of love ,and acceptance connection .
Played out as excitement ,the chase ,expectation, disconnection, deceit trickery and relief , when taken into the man made world with its drug and alcohol fuelled parties and nightclubs- the so called courting grounds .
We all crave the same thing and it is deep connection that comes with the choice to self love first.
it is a shame we are not taught this at school rather than having to slog it out at the bar and learn hard and painful lessons that leaves us even more empty.

Cherise this is a fantastic blog for both men and women alike. This line in particular really resonated with me ” As I waited in expectation for another to share who they truly were with me, I was holding my own true self back.” We can’t hold onto love it is their to be shared and expanded for all. Thank you Cherise.

We so easily fall prey to the accepted norms of our times, whether its sexting or the use of alcohol when we don’t have self-love. It is so true that we need to be role models for our kids and teenagers, to show our true norm – love that comes from inside and that sexting, one night stands, alcohol infused ‘connections’ are not the real deal.

Thank you for writing what is not often talked about. We talk about our sexual freedom and liberation and how strong we are. But honestly deep down we are in excruciating pain because we are NOT asking for the honouring and care and true engagement that we deserve, that we knew we deserved when we were but 5 years old. If you asked an 8 year old girl how she would like her future partner to treat her . . . she would not describe many of the encounters and interactions that we accept and even laugh off as OK.

It hurts when you are used, it hurts when you play an empty sexual game of physical stimulation and it hurts when you hold back who you are or morph yourself into some picture of a woman. It hurts when you don’t have the self worth to say no, that is not how I treat myself or how others can treat me.

Absolutely Rebecca, it hurts deeply to not live with a true connection to yourself, one that naturally comes with honouring and deep, deep love as this I feel is the key to what it is that we will attract and accept as appropriate behaviour towards us from all others.

Its so true what you have expressed here Rebecca…we override what we truly feel in order to ‘fit in’. But the norm of what we are trying to fit into is an acceptance of something that is so far less than who we are and deserve. It hurts and then we so cleverly find ways to numb the hurts with more of the same behaviour…its crazy and yet so many of us have chosen this. It really does expose our lack of self-worth until we choose something different.

‘There is now no place for hardness towards myself or others, only understanding and compassion for how our choices came to be’. Cherise this is such a loving way to look at the choices made as teens and young adults.

Hi Cherise, thanks for sharing this blog with us. When I was at high school I knew that all of this was going on, and at age 13 I started to hear stories about people with similar situations to yourself. People my age, my friends and myself included all became very sexualised and it seemed to be the only thing that ‘turned us on’. I took to withdrawing at this stage further and further into bettering myself at music because I just didn’t want to be real about what was happening around me. I didn’t want to face the reality of what life had become, it was so innocent and so playful before and now life is entirely sexual, deviant, manipulative and competitive. But its great to know that we don’t always have to live like this and that there is a choice. Thanks for being a true inspiration to us all.

Thank you Harrison, the fact that we withdraw and override the abuse and pain we feel happening to and around us is an absolute indication that what is going on is not Ok and definitely not normal. The innocence you speak of as a youngster is something that I know I have always carried and yet protected and hid at this particular time in my life, and now I will continue to let it be my natural way as it feels like a true way for me.

Spot on Cherise and thank you for sharing your experiences past and present. I too can relate to this and it is now, that I am lovingly able to bring understanding to the choices I have made in the past – rather then wallowing in the shame and self judgement – that I feel I have the power to make choices from the true woman I am. To hold myself with the love I would hold a newborn and to know that I am as tender and delicate as everyone else… when I look out to the world with this understanding I know not only am I making the choice to not harm me, but also to not harm another and this fills my heart with joy and the inspiration to share who I truly am!

Been there, done that, Cherise, so I can relate to your story. I am even guilty of: “as I waited in expectation for another to share who they truly were with me, I was holding my own true self back.” This serves no one, so it’s all about sharing to the world who we truly are. That will inspire. Just like I have been incredibly inspired by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, and each and every student sharing their story. Thank you.

And all we were ever really ‘guilty’ of Nathalie was the simplicity of not being connected to and in honour of our deeply lovely selves. With this knowing now it is so freeing to know we always have this choice to be the love we already are.

I grew up some 40 years ago and there was far less of this material available. My biggest revelation was something else, though: I wasn’t quite satisfied with my first relationship with a really beautiful girl but until I met my wife it turned out to be nicest relationship I had. I was completely surprised and unprepared how hurt most people are when it comes to making love.

Such great revelation Cherise “What I know now is there was never any true intention in me for a relationship because I wasn’t truly being me, I was giving my power away to an ideal of who I thought I should be and I invested in my desired outcome – the relationship or ‘love’ from another I thought I had potentially found”
This should be the story told in teenage magazines, from your lived experience you make a great role model to show others there is another way- Thank you

Cherise you have shared a very common experience for many young women and men. As many have shared, we go into unloving behaviours in looking for true love and connection. I love how you made the connection that it’s only through developing our own self-love can these behaviours be finally addressed and healed.

Cherise this is a powerfully honest blog showing how easily we can give ourselves away with unloving choices and what can amount to abusive sexual encounters, and all in the name of being ‘liked’. I can relate for sure as l’m sure many women can. It is a beautiful account however because you have so clearly healed a great deal in yourself, and in rediscovering the great beauty you actually are and how truly worth honouring you always were. A great and much-needed inspiration for all women thank you.

I loved this blog Cherise, it reminded me of times when I have gotten myself into compromising situations all due to wanting to be liked and to be part of the crowd – with better judgement nowhere to be seen. I can appreciate that today I can look back on those times with a greater understanding of how and why I made those choices, without cringing and being hard on myself.

We all crave genuine connection and love but how often do we ignore all the signs that what we are getting into is far from this. Reflecting back on relationships I entered that weren’t based on love I always had very clear signs. So much so that I have met someone and then got so incredibly sick, not just for a day or two but for a week. We do know, but the question becomes do we want to know?

Wonderful blog Cherise. I think this blog has relevance to anyone of any age and gender. I found there were many aspects that stood out to me as I read your words such as the commonality of wanting to be liked and accepted; the deep sadness that our actions often take us further away from what we are seeking; and the pressures we succumb to be seemingly ‘normal’. Yet the answers were already right there inside of us.

Thank you Cherise for sharing such a candid insightful blog , your words are an inspiration to both men and women , the power you share to enable women to make true choices from a foundation of self love and for men to realise the empty part they play in this corrupted way.

Thank you Helen, it’s so true and holding on to the sadness by or need for acceptance from another is completely draining and yes takes us further away from what we truly seek – which is in fact ourselves, a connection that we hold to ourselves that automatically is our connection to God and therefore everyone else equally. When this is felt, there is nothing we could possibly need from another, but instead an opening up to the inspiration that their essence already offers.

Hi Cherise, Your blog has revealed a truth which many do not consider, I certainly did not until I attended Universal Medicine. I too spent many nights out with alcohol and never considered my body – not once. We all can feel what is true for us if we take the time to feel our body. Your journey is an example of how it can be when we do take the time to re-connect and live in a way which supports us.

This post has allowed me to ponder on how many of us really want to go out and party to just try to fit in with the crowd. Maybe there isn’t really a crowd at all. Maybe those crowds are made up of a lot of people who don’t really want to be there, but think that that is what everyone else does and so it must be the normal way to have fun and they don’t want to be seen as not being normal. I feel to really be true to yourself and honour what you feel instead of holding onto what we think others expect from us is not only a more self loving act, but the power in being ourselves is a far more joyful way of living.

I feel like you have just exposed just how twisted and ridiculous what is going on is, “Maybe those crowds are made up of a lot of people who don’t really want to be there, but think that that is what everyone else does and so it must be the normal way to have fun.”

A great point Fumiyo. We certainly have developed a warped sense of what is ‘normal’ and acceptable. We are constantly bombarded with an illusion and to be somebody who we are not, to constantly seek ideals and beliefs outside of ourselves. We see this in movies, popular music, media and advertisements. It has been accepted as normal to abuse our body with alcohol and sex and many other substances. We can begin by acknowledging where we are at and learn to look after our body and reconnect to ourselves in a loving and supportive way. This blog show us that their is another way to live and it is all up to us in what we choose. The responsibility is our to want to change.

Whatever our experience has been as a woman there are many feelings that are common to us all as women. I have placed so much importance on the need to be liked and accepted that I overrode my feelings to accommodate the desires of a man and to keep him coming back. My desperate search for approval did not succeed and if anything it seemed to push people away. It feels amazing to now have found that by truly being me and accepting myself as I am I have now found acceptance by others.

It is really revealing to see how lack of self love and self worth leads to many forms and levels of abuse, all stemming from the one and same hurt – from looking outside for love, instead of getting to know love from within.

Yes this is true Laura, there are many roads we can go when there is a lack of self worth no self love. And in this there can be much judgement and arrogance as we think one pathway seems to be worse than another. Eg social drinking compared to being an alcoholic or being immersed in mothering or working long hours but can say “oh I don’t drink” or living on coffee or sugary foods, the list can go on as we think we are not as bad off as another. However as you say all levels of abuse as we are in denial of the love we are.

Thank you Cherise for your truth and honesty and for reveling that it is the lack of self-love that leads us into unloving choices and the ‘need’ to fill the emptiness within. All that is required to return to a loving way is to begin loving your self in full with no dive for perfection.

The openness and honesty with which you have written Cherise serves as a true inspiration for women and men alike to consider the way we are with each other under the guise of relationships. As you have said, it is through our connection to our inner heart that each and every one of us knows what is true not just for ourselves but others also and that we need not look outside of ourselves for true connection and love.

I love your blog Cherise. Very open and honest about your past choices and so beautiful to read about your journey to claiming the amazing women you are. Very inspiring, gentle reminder for us to not let expectations from others and the need to be liked control our choices. If we don’t like our choices instead of beating ourselves up we can learn from them so can make more loving choices. ‘There is now no place for hardness towards myself or others, only understanding and compassion for how our choices came to be.’ Beautifully said. Thank you.

What an inspiring, and very personal, honest account of your past choices around sexual relationships with men.
I’m sure most teenagers , and young adults can relate to feeling pressured to have sex to be liked, fit in, or crave intimacy from not being met by their parents.
You have beautifully shown how to reclaim back your love for self and revealed that our body does know deep down what feels true or not. By honoring these feelings and not giving our power away to others, in the name of “love”, we build true self love.

In an earlier generation, Cherise, the pressures were there but what was expected was much different. It was the so-called sexual revolution of the early 70s and everyone was expected to ‘make love’ with anyone they felt like. Saying no (which I did a lot) raised eyebrows – you were called ‘hung up’ or ‘square’. But there were no mobile phones or internet to abuse ourselves with. So sexual encounters were at least with real, in-the-flesh people – though devoid of real love and commitment to developing true, tender relationships. And with just as little self-regard and discernment as texting today. Then herpes and AIDS came to town in Australia and most of the people I knew changed to much more discerning sexual actitivity. The bad bugs are still around now, so my question is, how come sexual activity has become rampant and undiscerning in youth today? Is it the two decades of ‘programming’ and constantly saying ‘you are not good enough’ in the media and internet plus the mobile means of propagating self-abuse and abuse of others? Re alcohol, back in the day most of us did not drink much. I remember myself and friends feeling self-abusive if we had not one but two glasses of very dilute cherry brandy or spirits and coke with friends in the uni tavern on Friday night. Then we would resolve to keep it down to one, and stuck to that. We spent six and a half days of every week clear of substances, and I never saw anyone binge. Between then and now, my question is, what happened? Why did a high level of alcohol-abuse grow from ‘a few troubled people’ to ‘normal’? I also relate to modern-day friends “repeatedly proclaiming I was never drinking again!” Even when people say this and are thus aware of the preciousness of their body and the folly of poisoning it so, I find it amazing how many people voice those ‘never again’ words and go on to do the same thing over and over. They do ‘never again-ing’ so often it makes me wonder what’s really going on. Evidently the underlying issues have not changed, just the intensity of self-abuse. And awesomely evidently the answers and the healing are there, of which you are a living, self-loving example, Cherise.

That’s a good point you make Dianne about the level of abuse seems to have grown, and become more abusive. When I was growing up in the 70’s I would go out to a night club but I was always sober enough to get myself home and keep an eye out for my friends. Then in the late 90’s it had become common practise to have drinks at home before going to the pub and staying out drinking well into the early hours of the morning.

Cherise the question you raise about true role models I feel is key to this discussion. Prior to meeting Serge Benhayon and studying with Universal Medicine I only had role models that confirmed a way of living that was not honouring me as a woman and what I felt and was not honouring other people. One of the most powerful ways that I have changed and many people around me is the inspiration of how another lives. And this has not come from comparing myself to another and wanting to be like them, but rather seeing and feeling the divine quality in another that I know deep inside is also me too…recognising that we are all from this divine quality and that I have a choice to live that or not.
My life would be very different had I not been blessed with all of these wonderful role models that have come into my life to show me that there is another way – and that way is to simple be love.

My younger years were a complete disaster in ways you describe and much worse. What really stands out for me is the need for role models. I always felt everything was wrong, but I never saw an example of a way of living or in fact anyone living a life that was “it”. As soon as I met Serge Benhayon that all changed and I saw someone living everything that I had always known but never confirmed myself or had anyone else confirm. By Serge living it and my seeing the truth and awesomeness of that reflection it started to allow me to trust and confirm my own inner knowing. From there miracles happened and my life transformed and continues to do so. So in a nutshell, I completely agree it is our responsibility to live as true role models and give back what has been given to and received by us.

What is so clear in what you write Cherise is that the moment we give up on loving ourselves – seeking that love outside of us, we make life all about everything that is not love. We buy into ideals and beliefs, seek confirmation that we are ok, likeable, loveable without really recognising that that love must come from ourselves first. As you say it is becoming more common for people of all ages to feel that they must do, be and act in all manner of ways to get/deserve love from another. What I am learning is that when I let go of those ideals and beliefs and actually come back to myself, that that love I seek is there, just waiting for me to stop and feel it. It was always there I just forgot that I was the one that had to realise it. Thanks to you, Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine I am remembering the love that I am.

I can relate to this entirely Cherise. I often used to drink because I felt like I couldn’t talk to or be much fun with people at parties… This drinking led to poor bedfellow choices and waking up feeling horrible about myself. I remember knowing what was going to happen before heading to a party and pretty much bracing myself for it. My lack of self worth was so prominent though that any male attention would do, even if we were drunk and I didn’t know what else to do about it. The cycle would go around and around and I was pretty miserable. It wasn’t until I started to self-love, began to forgive and like (now love) myself a bit that I began to feel more comfortable and not have to drink, and slowly change my bedfellow choices too. Snow balling affect.

Your last paragraph just sums it all up Cherise – we do not need to drink alcohol, have sex when we do not want to or disregard ourselves in any other way because there is a more joyful way to live. I can fully agree with that.

Thank-you Cherise for such an honest and personal look at the subject of why we seek outside of ourselves for love and recognition, and the choices we make as a result of that need. I only had one long term relationship which lasted for 22 years from when I was 18, so I can’t relate to sleeping around to seek the love, but instead, used sex and so called love as a tool to get what I wanted in that relationship and disregarded and disrespected myself and my partner as a result, so horses for courses really. We are still talking about lack of self respect and self love and for me, the need to seek it through manipulation and control. For me now, and where I am at, how I choose to be and what I will and wont accept for myself, are a far cry from those days of seeking something that was within me all along, my own gorgeous and amazing love.

Hi Cherise, I have had similar experiences with going out, drinking, and allowing myself to believe that the attention I received from men was genuine – due to the fact that I had very little self-love for myself and certainly didn’t feel like I was precious or truly worth being looked after. I too am now connecting to that sacredness inside me and cannot ever go back to such a disregarding way of living, no matter what! When you have connected to and felt that preciousness inside you, you can no longer be fooled by anything on the outside. Thank you so much for sharing 🙂

There is much in your story Cherise that i can relate to — the longing to feel loved and held and not feel so empty and lonely within, was a driver for much of my behaviour in my early thirties as a single woman. Party scenes, boyfriends, flirting and substances aplenty were always available and enticing fillers to give some short-lived respite. A few years later when I came across Universal Medicine I started looking deep within, addressing that emptiness. The more i delved inwards, caring for myself in the simplest of ways, the more i realised that emptiness was not me and that underneath all that loneliness has always been the real me, with lots of love , joy and sweetness. Now there is no need and no way that any of these ‘tempters’ can touch me — the love I feel for myself and the joy that I feel in my body is far, far sweeter and delicious than any vice that can give a bout of short-lived pleasure.

Great sharing Cherise, I can very much relate to what you say about the deep sadness that goes along with the disrespect of the body that had become such a normal behaviour that I wasn’t even aware of it. Understanding that what I considered being fun was just a cover up for my hurts and the emptiness was a big revelation. Self love was the first words I learnt from Universal Medicine and it has brought me back a long way and is forever expanding.

Cherise I too have done the alcohol, clubbing, sex thing and when I consider it now, it feels that none of us were actually really there. I don’t mean that our bodies weren’t there I mean that WE weren’t there. Who was actually having sex with who ? I truly don’t know because what I do know is that once a person re-connects back to who they truly are then there is no way that they can end up trashed having sex with a stranger.

Hello Cherise, it is great to read the responsibility you have bought to your life that then is also a reflection to us all. If we all had this responsibility the ‘outside’ world would indeed be changed. Thank you.

This is a superb post Cherise, detailing what for many has been the way we’ve entered relationships – under one big (or several) ideals that overlay the deep connection that we ultimately want with another. Reflecting back, I yearned for this deep connection with a guy on a date or in a boyfriend, and always felt deeply saddened that it was never there, entirely because I wasn’t being myself, as your words confirm: “What I know now is there was never any true intention in me for a relationship because I wasn’t truly being me” – the removal of ourselves to be someone else opens us up to be disconnected. Disconnected we attract more disconnection. And also that dreaded handicap of expectation for another to be what we seek, without us being this first. How inside out!
If only we knew growing up, and were openly encouraged of the sacredness that’s inside us, connected to the preciousness and deep value of this, as opposed to ‘not having sex’ or ‘losing one’s virginity’ so often being related to frigidity, piety or the Church, then the modern relationships of today would be what they are so very deserving of – tender love.

You are so right Cherise. We have found a way to live a joy-full and truthful life.
This sentence made me almost fall off my chair : ”My connection to my inner-heart is gracious and solid and because I know this I will never have to give my power away to a substance that only serves to abuse or numb me from the truth, or override my feelings with adopted ideals or beliefs.”
Deeply deeply true.

For people my age, drinking at parties and now going out to night clubs is the norm. It is not healthy because it is a behaviour that is trying to escape reality. A lot of people I know have gone through school and succumbed to this because its the norm and they would be afraid to be different. A lot of teenagers I know would be honest and say that they know that drinking alcohol is bad for them, but they would be scared to say no because it might mean that their friends would not want to be with them any more. I said no to alcohol when I was 17, after trying it a couple of times and regretting it every time. It would be amazing to see some more teenagers take a stance for their true health.

Thanks Harrison for expressing so well your viewpoint. I picked up on what you stated about drugs and alcohol being behaviours to escape reality. I recall this also in my teens and early twenties. No ‘adult’ had answers about why reality was as it was – you did not need to ask, you could see it and feel it in how they were living. So we think of it as natural to join in that way of living. Yet in the true feeling that life is not what it could be, there is a great opening to discuss how it could be and how in making different choices, others can feel the truth of it in how we live. I applaud you for being someone who is making this choice.

It is incredible that you have been able to see the use of alcohol for what it is Harrison. The pressure to join the drinking culture is huge when you are a teenager and your choice is a testament to your strength, self love and commitment to truth.

This is a revealing article Cherise that shows the level of disregard and abuse we accept under the guise of ‘fitting in’ and ‘it is what everyone does’. This is then the lesson we are passing on to the next generation. When we stop and choose to live our lives in tune to what is felt is true we offer the role model that there is another way to live that is honouring and caring for yourself and all those around you. A very different role model for children. Thank you Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine for confirming what we already all know that there is another way to be.

I just re read your blog… not sure if I have commented in the past… too many comments to read through! But none of that matters because today, I read what I needed to hear once again.
I was giving my power away to an ideal of who I thought I should be and I invested in my desired outcome – the relationship or ‘love’ from another I thought I had potentially found.
I think I have been doing this for so long that I was not even aware.
Thank you.

If we are openly willing to self-abuse in the name of having fun, the limit is only how much abuse do I accept. Without minimising the importance of what we do, the key is to work on why do we abuse ourselves and even pride ourselves for it?

All my old mates think I am boring and don’t have fun anymore because I don’t get up to what I used to but the truth of the matter is I live a life full of real fun that has no cost to at all to my body or brain cells.

Cherise, I just reread your beautiful blog. It just so brought back all the times in my past that I had dishonoured myself so deeply, to be liked, to please, for attention, for recognition, for love, and the list could go on. At our core we do really want connection and that connection does need to be with ourselves first. Absolutely first. It just cannot come from another. It is something I am continually developing, leaving behind the need to ‘be’ a certain way for another, whether that is a friend, partner, work colleage or family member. But allow the connection with me to shine with everyone I come into contact with.

Alcohol is so freely available now, it is assumed you will be drinking by 14 and that is a late bloomer really, sex comes pretty swiftly with the lack of inhibitions with alcohol. You describe the pattern so well Cherise. For young people to see adults have loads of fun without alcohol just gives them the opportunity to see there is, at least, a choice and that is something we should all want for our young.

This is such beautiful and relatable blog Cherise. I found myself wishing I had been able to read this when I was younger as I experienced many of the same things. It also serves as an excellent reminder that true relationships always begin with self-love and that when self love is absent we feel “false excitement and heightened stimulation” which is a very poor substitute for true love.

Well said Leonie, the false excitement is very stimulating. It’s a good indicator that the true connection with our selves has been lost and we are giving our power away to the other person. That is we are holding an expectation that the other person will bring something to us that we haven’t fully appreciated ourselves for i.e. our self-worth and self- love.

This is very true, we cannot give our power away to anyone. Our power is our awareness, our light and our love, it is who we are and it is our connection to the deepest part of our Soul and to God.

When we give this away, recognising a ‘need’ is often the key to seeing what is playing out and whilst this is painful to bring our awareness to, it is also a blessing and a confirmation to who we now know ourselves undeniably to be. Amazing, wonderful, beautiful, powerful, precious, sexy and adorable shining women! My partner tells me this all the time and it’s a blessing because I get to confirm that this is exactly who I know myself to be.

To understand the power that we have to choose our life path is vital, choice is the operative word… Every day we are making choices, and to start to feel the effect that these choices have on everything around us, everyone around us, and ourselves, is an essential part of claiming ourselves.

Your experience here Cherise, and your sharing of it offers so much – to so many. SO many young women and young men go through this same thing. In fact It would be fair to say the vast majority go through the same thing.

One of the greatest strengths Women have is the ability to show Men what they truly are – for that is what we truly need to become the tender, sensitive caring beings we really are. Each time a woman claims her self as the sacred, loving, deeply respectful being she is – we men get either example of what it is we really are looking for, in a woman and within ourselves.

Thank you Simon, there is a great responsibility for all of us as women to claim in full the absolute beautiful keys to love and to life that we are. We are powerful beyond measure when we are claimed and in acceptance of who we truly are. I am finding that there is a deeper level of adoration within my own relationship with myself and a greater level of appreciation and celebration to fully embrace.

I can totally relate to being hooked by the feeling that a man may find me attractive. I used to be quite amazed by this, but the more I have grown to Love myself the more I have found I do not care if a man finds me attractive or not, and when I notice an attraction it is simply a confirmation, as I know how great I am and them seeing this no longer surprises me.

Your comment gives me a big smile on my face Toni, I love what you share here. And so true: why would it bother us if a man finds us attractive or not? It all has to do with our own self-worth, which is something I am deepening every day.

I love your openness and honesty Cherise. Much of your story resonates with me as I can very much relate to using sex and alcohol as a way to anaesthetise myself from the pain and emptiness I was feeling inside. It’s so sad to look around at the world we have created and see that this self-medication is considered so completely normal that when we start to make choices that are loving and self-respecting, others can be hugely rattled by what we are choosing. The reflection is often uncomfortable, I get that (and have been there!) but ultimately we are all craving love so it’s definitely worth committing to reconnecting to and building that love within ourselves, regardless of how others may react.

A powerful blog, Cherise, stemming from real wisdom from lived experience about the true nature of love, self and disregard. I cringed when you described ‘the deep emptiness and sadness within myself as I knew not only was there no true connection between us, but that I had overridden my own sacredness as a woman through the choices I made to be less than who I was.’ This description of your own experience is sadly only too well paralleled by many other women, myself included.

A very powerful blog Cherise. I have experienced much of what you have shared and how I too had repeatedly over-rode what I was feeling was true and the pain and sadness that these choices brought. I knew it wasn’t who I was but struggled to find my way more and more as I lost trust. ‘With a true sense of self-worth and self-love, we can provide our children with true role models and present to humanity a way of life that shows we need not succumb to the pressures from outside of us’ – absolutely, well said. That with this we can reflect that there is another way as we are indeed enough simply by being and accepting the unique precious beauty that we all essentially are.

Thank you for sharing this, Cherise. Having lived a life of clubbing, substances and sex for many years I can relate to the realisation and power that come from finding my true tenderness and building my self-love. What I know now is that I was looking for in the clubs and substances was connection. I missed the connection with myself and the connection with others. Once I stopped putting intoxicants into my body the connection that I had been so desperately seeking out there, and expecting to come from another was quite easily found right here, within me.

What a wonderful blog Cherise, there is so much here on offer particularly for me ..”There is now no place for hardness towards myself or others, only understanding and compassion for how our choices came to be….. all women are precious beings. We hold sacredness in our bodies and an innate knowing and connection to what is right for us in every moment.” This is priceless to feel and embody and take with me.

Wow! this powerful, open and honest sharing left me feeling into my own behaviours in my teenage years. It seemed that the friendships I was seeking from the males who asked me out was never enough – but the power of the energy holding me back was stronger. Little did I know at the time – as I felt so isolated and lonely afterwards as they never returned again but I was choosing that I was more than just a fling. A brilliant blog Cherise and one that I feel so many can relate too.
Thank you.

Thank you Cherise for putting the following into such clear words for me to truly listen to: “…disregard my own body and its preciousness – it felt like an arrogance had taken me over, that I would deal with the pain later. ”
This could be about not putting on my slippers for the 5 pace walk across the cold bathroom tiles; the arrogance says to ‘cope’ with the cold. The preciousness says ‘love yourself enough to protect your feet from the cold’. And yes it is painful, both the cold and the arrogance.

Thank you Suzanne, you are so very right that this equation can be related to any and every small choice that we make for ourselves. The arrogance and disregard never feels good, but it is always interesting and important to seek what led us to make those choices in the first place. For me of late, when I choose to not be in my power (my power: my absolute essence, knowing and love) for whatever reason I think I can’t be, the choices to disregard myself come pretty simply thereafter and so it was my initial choice to hold back who I am that I need to look at. In choosing to hold back I’m equally choosing to live in arrogance and this doesn’t make much sense when there is more and more preciousness to feel and live.

I have read articles that talk about sexting but none that actually include so honestly the emptiness that is there too. When we put aside the judgments about our behaviour perhaps it might surprise us to find that we all experience these underlying feels that we over-ride? How powerful Cherise, that you seen past the behaviour to re-discover this simple and deep love for you.

Thank you Cherise for an honest sharing. Reading through this I understand more how we can make loveless choices “When the true marker of self-love was not there all I felt was the false excitement and heightened stimulation” It is inspiring to read how once you started developing self love that your choices could begin to change.

Cherise the following sentence really stood out for me. “How intriguing I find it now that I once made choices that would completely disregard my own body and its preciousness – it felt like an arrogance had taken me over, that I would deal with the pain later.” I still find this arrogance slipping into my daily life in the everyday choices I make. It is crazy that we know something does not work for us but for ease, to fit in, to not feel something that we may be feeling we choose to willingly do things that we know will have negative consequences later. The arrogance appears through the idea I can do what I like now and maybe later I will get away with it or I will deal with the consequences later and put the issue out of my mind.

Thank you Cherise, what a powerful blog, to lift the lid on the choices many women make, but on the whole, we do not speak about and share. The Esoteric healing modalities truly offer the way to reconnect to the body, for women, reconnection to the stillness and sacredness that’s there within, and this has to be true medicine for a woman, because it supports her to feel the abundance and worthiness that she, in truth is. It’s when we disconnect from the body, that we disconnect from this fullness, this abundance, joy and love, so naturally feel not worth it, not as good as, and a sense of wanting something to fill that void, then hence, choices are made that we think are the filler of that void. This is a great blog and discussion to be had for all women.

Absolutely. Connecting to my own sacredness through the Sacred Movement Modality has been profound for me in many ways as it has supported my own depth of connection to my body which then supports me to reaffirm and confirm everything that I know I feel and have felt. This is health, wellbeing and medicine for me as I am able to support my body from my very inner known truth and out.

Cherise my whole body has just presented me with a choice to go into the guilt and horror of the exploits I allowed starting at about the same age or as you say ” There is now no place for hardness towards myself or others, only understanding and compassion for how our choices came to be.”

When I stop to reflect on how different my life could have been had I considered how I really felt, and not what others thought I should do, when at 15 facing the question of do I or don’t I have sex right now, what I now see was so obviously missing was a true love for myself. In not honestly considering our choices, the big and the small, it shows how less and less that deep connection with ourselves becomes, and what we know is true for us is buried along with it. Yet no matter how deep it may have been buried its never lost to us and can be returned as soon as that choice is made.

Indeed self love is a powerful step in the direction towards a new normal of appreciating ourselves and others so much that we will never sell out our bodies or minds to a way of life that is so dishonest and abusive again.

There is definitely an acceptance around all things ‘normal’ that would benefit from being reassessed. Much harm can come from overriding how we or our bodies feel about these activities as we resist embracing the sacred beauty of which you speak.

It is unsurprising that young people are plagued with ill behaviours that have taken them down this unloving path. There is not much in the world that reflects to them how precious and lovely they are. When I live in the world, watch television, go to work, feel the quality of most people on the train, I can feel how most people are living less than the enormous love that they are and this has to hurt. No wonder numbing behaviours are through the roof. By reclaiming the love that we are we bring love back to ourselves and can remind other people that they are this too just by living it. There is so much joy to be felt when we come home to ourselves. I am deeply grateful to Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon for reflecting to me the love that is possible.

At the heart of all the sexual neediness, hooking up and overriding our bodies is the simple truth that we all want Love, connection and to be truly met. The sooner we are able to admit this healing begins and so too the building forward of life based on Love starting with ones relationship with self. An inspiring blog Cherise – thank you for your honesty, it shines light on the path for many women who are yet to re-connect to their own sacredness within.

True Gemma, an astute observation because it often doesn’t look like that from the outside. There are often many games that go along with the hooking up game, looking cool and everything else besides when in fact we are seeking the stimulation to escape from our inner emptiness and our disconnect from love. Of course it will never work until we come to the point of knowing that all we want is Love. At that point change is possible and that form of behaviour drops away. Reading blogs like these, can speed up the process for anyone willing to hear or who’s had enough and is looking for another way.

Cherise this is a great learning tool for sharing with young people especially. We usually don’t get any kind of preparation for our entry into dating and first sexual experience, and the way to look after ourselves lovingly in these situations and with great respect for our bodies. Parents could also be educated in what to say and do too as our children grow to the teen years and beyond. Much pain and self flagellation could be avoided! Thank you.

Cherise, I equally am alarmed at what our younger generation are confronted with today around sex, alcohol, sexting, the internet, pressures that were just not around when I was growing up. It felt pressured enough at the time dealing with these issues, let alone all those other things now at play. This line really stood out for me – “I knew that I held a deep and loving connection with myself and what was right for me, but I was overriding my own inner-knowing with the beliefs that I thought were true.” I could always feel that many choices I made were not ok for me, but overrode them in order to fit in or fit into an ideal or picture I held around relationships, men, being a woman or as you nominated ‘just fitting in’. There is a lot to discuss and feel around this topic, great that you have shared and started the conversation.

I agree Raegan, the pressure in my teenage years was already high and now with the internet and mobile phones it seems there is no escape. We need and there are already some role models who are able to hold themselves and are making self loving choices and can be an inspiration for other young women and men.

Thanks Raegan, I agree that we are just beginning to touch on the tip of the iceberg of the expectations and fitting in that goes on for people and our youth. This tells me that there is something deeply missing in their upbringings, teachings, schools, families and friends if they do not have the reflection of someone there to share with them and inspire them to not give up and give in to said belief systems but rather stand strong and steady in the knowing of why they truly are.
The more we speak about this and bring another way to the world, the more opportunity for others to uncover the fact that they’ve always known another way too and to stop disregarding their own never-ending wisdom and amazing awareness.

I love the honesty of this blog Cherise and the fact that I feel no self-judgment in what you write. The way you describe how it felt ‘normal’ to override your deeper feelings after a drink or two and in the nightclub environment just goes to show how easy it is to go along with what is presented, the dominant consciousness of wherever we are. Your blog will be super helpful for young men and women everywhere who no longer wish to go along with what they may feel is expected of them.

Yes and to know that despite any consciousness and its perceived dominance the strength and power we actually hold when we honour and nurture who we truly are at our core, we can realise there is no dominance great enough to withstand or overrule this power we are.
We’re just that powerful in our essence, and saying no to what is not the way we wish to live is saying yes to our true way.

Oh my goodness. The number of times that I said to myself “i’ll never drink again”. And yet, a few days later (or even few hours later!) there I was with a drink in my hand. Mind-blowing to consider how we over-rule the body. But as I write this I am aware of a huge arrogance. Sure I have given up drink and all kinds of other abusive substances and foods. But there is still food that I eat, still stuff that I do to my body that I know and feel is not good for me. As Serge Benhayon has often shared – “if our organs could speak to us”…and they do, daily. Yes I don’t still drink and yes I don’t impose those horrendous hangovers on my body anymore. But there are still plenty of other messages that my body is sending me that I ignore.

Yes, our bodies are speaking to us consistently, as in, they never ever stop! and so it is a constant choice we can make to listen openly to their communication and stop capping ourselves at levels in which we think we have ‘heard enough’. When they speak so truly and beautifully, how could there ever be enough ?!

Cherise, what you share is so true. We look out there for true love but we’re not being it for ourselves so we set ourselves up and can give ourselves away to feel something but it’s not true connection, and the truth is we’re not connected to us when we do so, the first thing required. Yet as you note ‘it felt like an arrogance had taken me over, that I would deal with the pain later’, and reading this I can feel how we can abuse ourselves when we allow this. To hear how you’ve come back to and claimed your own loveliness is divine, and an inspiration to remind us all.

I’m so touched and inspired by your sharing Cherise, I’m just speechless. I don’t know what to say at the moment. Everything what your are sharing is so true. In the past I was disconnected from myself as well and I did a lot of stupid things, just to fit in. I’m so glad and grateful, that I have today a much bigger understanding and awareness about myself and the things around me, that I don’t have to play the games from the past. Thank you for your great sharing.

Reading through this blog I could feel all those times when I have over ridden what’s been felt and just smashed myself to not feel how much we hurt ourselves by looking out to the world for some sort of acceptance, it’s a double whammy the behaviours which can be pretty out there and the feeling of dismissing yourself …. Really bad 2 for 1 deal

as you say Cherise, it is only when we really start to look after ourselves, in fact practising self-love, that our children can get a direct reflection of what this means, so that they can bring it into their lives.

I recently attended a meeting at school concerning the use of social media, computer games, phones etc and how this is occurring more and more within primary aged children. It feels like the school and education services can only do so much to support children to make choices that are self loving. I feel as parents we have an opportunity and responsibility to be aware that we are capable of becoming true role models within society and with our children… “With a true sense of self-worth and self-love, we can provide our children with true role models and present to humanity a way of life that shows we need not succumb to the pressures from outside of us – ” There is already so much pressure for children at primary school to engage in adult content through the technology they have access to. By example a true role model can support a child to feel confident in making choices that do not necessarily follow what is deemed cool or normal or exciting…we can do this by walking our talk and learning to live with self worth and self love as our foundation.

Awesome blog Cherise and I love how you have expressed it all with such honesty – as women we do sell out all too easily, at least I can speak for myself and there is such a need to be ‘liked’ and such a need to not hurt another’s feelings that can take over and in the process we don’t honour what actually feels right or true for us to live. I too have learned much about self love and self worth through the support of the Universal Medicine practitioners and thanks to this have been able to bring so much more love and respect to myself as well as all those around me. This is what role models are about – making the choices that respect ourselves as well as others, and always about people first.

Yes, these pressures are very real Samantha and whilst I notice a constant debate around the answers coming from either the schools or the homes there is a truth to the fact that true change comes from within a person. As children are feeling the pressures to be something they are not, so to are the teachers in their role and the parents in theirs.. without a natural sense of presence in oneself and therefore a knowing of truth and self-confidence, we only go around in circles to keep ourselves away from that awesome foundation of self love and self worth that you speak of.

The pattern of abuse within ourselves can sometimes run deep as we try to work out what for us next will be the magic marker point where everything is smooth sailing and rosy. The truth is in the search for ourselves we often take a path well travelled by many but with little or no discernment as to the effects it has on us and society at large. Using sex and alcohol to get what we think we want/need is just one such path away from our true inner selves and this is perpetuated the world over. What I get from your article Cherise is the fact that despite choosing the ways that harmed there was always a living part of you calling you back – and with dedication and perseverance you kept feeling this and bringing yourself back. Awesome article.

“What I have felt is how all women are precious beings. We hold sacredness in our bodies and an innate knowing and connection to what is right for us in every moment.”-
So true Cherise. I love your honesty , realness and truth that you bring . This article is something worth reading in schools, as part of sex education. Very inspiring.

‘With a true sense of self-worth and self-love, we can provide our children with true role models and present to humanity a way of life that shows we need not succumb to the pressures from outside of us’. Beautifully expressed Cherise. Presenting a way of life that is nourished from within and then expressed outwardly will lay the foundations that nurtures all of our future generations for many ages to come.

This is the experience of so many people. The desire to be liked, to fit in and to be connected and the mistaken idea that sex will give you all this is everywhere. However the only thing that will give you a loving connection with another or everyone, is that foundation of a loving connection with yourself. Adolescence can be a very confusing time and what the world needs is a great number of role models who don’t buy into the rubbish, but stand with solid foundations of self love and care, shining for all.

Great blog to come back to for another read. At the risk of sounding like an old man,it never fails to astound me how much we, (and by we I’m including our children) are bombarded by sex these days. My 6 year old daughter was watching a cartoon in the early evening the other day which she had watch several times before, but when I realised what some of the content of the program was about, well let’s just say she won’t be watching that again. The thing is the cartoon was obviously meant for an older audience and the content went way over my daughters head but it was still there, none the less, still getting at her on some level making it normal before she even realises it. This sort of thing and all the sex in advertising and music videos etc. AS you say Cherise the only way out of this is is teaching our children by example self-love and self-worth.

“Making it normal before she even realises it”, this is a huge statement Kevin and one that we could put to almost anything that is imposed upon or bombarding us and our surroundings from such a young age. When we grow up to only know imposing energies as normal, we switch off our sense of what is right and wrong but more importantly what is true. Before we know it we are living as adults with completely switched off radars for all that is not love; although the truth is that we can’t switch it off so instead do all that we can to override or numb our sense.

So true Kevin, from TV to all of the magazine covers which can be clearly seen in every newsagent and supermarket sexualised imagery is everywhere – having not seen the music channels for quite some time I was shocked at the extent to which ‘artists’ go in their performances in emulating sex and wearing very little. All of this is apparently regulated and censored where necessary but with this all still being present it reflects that the standards by which this is measured is also inappropriate.

Thanks Cherise for your very honest blog. It is quite amazing how we are so quick to go along with what is presumed to be the ‘norm’ in a quest for acceptance and love, only to find time after time we come up empty handed. We all do this in some shape or form. When we are shown a different way with self love and acceptance at the core, it is like finding Aladdin’s cave. There are so many treasures to discover that often we can’t believe that it’s true but once we know it exists, we keep getting drawn back until we start to accept that it is real and that we do deserve the riches we have found.

I love this Helen “when we are shown a different way with self love and acceptance..”, in honesty it can blow us away that there is actually another way of living and making choices that feel really good and leave us feeling more of ourselves than ever before. This way does open us up to life’s treasures as we begin to realise that we are the most precious treasure to cherish of all.

Your blog is so needed – just the other day I was talking to one of my friends and she was saying how in her relationship she often has sex, not because she wants to, but because she feels she should and because it will make her partner feel batter. How often do we do this, overriding our feelings and making choices that aren’t right for us because we place the importance outside of ourselves.

We do this all too often Rebecca, in all areas of life. We desperately need to drop the beliefs and expectations that we place upon ourselves and others and choose honour and our own rhythm above all else. From here we bring this choice to those that we love around us and inspire great change in our world.

I feel if women were honest having sex because we feel we should is actually what most would admit to. I know for myself this came from a place of having no value or sense of worth or a loving relationship with my body that led to this way of thinking. Now it seems a million miles away from how I live but I understand why it happens as well as also seeing there could be milder versions of this behaviour that happen during the day that mean I override my feelings. I am learning to always be honouring the preciousness of myself as a woman first.

I have had many sexual encounters with men under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs when I was younger. Without the alcohol, I would have never had these one night/one week stands. Alcohol and all other drugs give this false sense of being open, confident and easy going. It was just reflecting back my own lack of self-worth, the disregard I held for myself and my body and the enormous lack of self-love and taking true care of myself.

Dear Cherise,
I really admire your complete honesty and the care you so obviously now have for yourself.. It struck me as I read your blog, that I also overrode doubts when entering a long term relationship that wasn’t first about respecting myself & I felt that many women do similarly. And it really is a lie – that we should aim to meet others expectations first.. But often that’s what we learnt from our role models.
Thanks for being a role model for young people for self-respect & self care. .

What caught my attention were these words
“What I have felt is how all women are precious beings. We hold sacredness in our bodies and an innate knowing and connection to what is right for us in every moment.”
To be honest I didn’t know this and it was only through the presentations of Serge Benhayon that I have discovered that it is in fact true that all women are precious beings and that actually he holds us all in this knowing and allows each and every one of us to come to this understanding in our own time. That is a unique ability in itself to have such a knowing that we will all get there in the end.

It’s true that it is for each of us to come to reconnect to this absolute knowing for ourselves, within our own time and thus reconfirm that we knew this truth the whole time. I too, without the inspirational presentations of Serge Benhayon and the modalities of Universal Medicine, would not have had the support to come to this understanding and wisdom again for myself.

It feels to me Cherise that this form of behaviour is a complete distortion and barbarisation of what making love and being love is truly about. It is a complete neglect of the sacredness of such a process yet at the same time yearning for it as we yearn for it in ourselves from the fact of not having lived and embraced that same level of self love in our own lives.

What is so significant and of note is that what is being offered here is a choice, that young people can have a choice, because so often they do not feel that they do… And this is an absolutely crucial and vital message that needs to be known.

When I grew up, it always seemed that to have or not have alcohol was actually not a choice, but whether a question of when it would become part of my life. It was so normal, and yet today as I stand outside the bubble of that reality, it seems crazy that it would ever be part of my life again.

It is deeply sad that so many women have disconnected from the sacredness that we hold deep within. I know that I disconnected at a very young age and when I look around at the women in society there are very few women who role model sacredness. Our power as women is our sacredness and we have moved so very far from it.

The pain we carry in our bodies from overriding our sacredness and what we know can run very deep. It has a big impact on how we are and it is only when we are honest and willing to go there can we release that pain and come back to who we truly are instead of living out a version of us that is not true.

Cherise you have captured the lost ingredient that so many women are looking for that we “think’ can be found outside of us. As women we can all understand the times when we have not honoured ourselves in order to feel that we were being loved or adored. The true love we are searching for comes from within and as you shared…. “all women are precious beings.”

A great article about how sex – when we’re not truly ready but just go along with it – can leave us feeling guilt, deep shame about our unloving choices and profoundly hurt. When used as medication for our emptiness it is a form of deep disregard.

A great read for everyone especially those caught in the cycle of abuse that is described here. We know how precious we are but to different degrees look for the attention from others to confirm this. Feeling amazing then going into self doubt, then seeking from outside of ourselves for confirmation and succumbing to situations and behaviours that are not loving, feeling regret then gathering ourselves up and choosing a more loving way – only to go back and repeat the cycle again. By sharing honestly in blogs as you have done Cherise, helps others to see more clearly the pattern and how each of us seek love and true connection. I loved the way you held yourself lovingly through the whole process and the valuing and understanding that has come out of this.

There is a definite need for people to feel love, connection and intimacy in life and unfortunately this leads us to look for it in our relationships with others; when this is chosen at the expense of ourselves we actually settle for far less than what is truly intimate with another. True intimacy begins with who we are, allowing our fullness to be lived and then allowing others to see us in full, for all the beauty and preciousness we are. I am deeply grateful for the presentations of Serge and Natalie Benhayon who consistently present that there is a way of living intimately that is truly loving for us all and it is a holding that begins within us and naturally emanates outwardly to equally embrace others.

Choosing self-love is a remarkable thing. In my experience all my relationships have been transformed because I have chosen self-love and there is a feeling of wiping away the past and just being in the moment with the other. It opens up a timeless quality that is like reconnecting to the purity of our true selves and in such a relationship, there is no sex but making love instead.

This is so true Richard, when we live life from a true honouring and nurturing of ourselves we then meet others from a quality that holds us both as equal and likewise holds no imposition or judgement over anyone. This space that is then provided is a living and breathing space full of an exquisite and natural flow that allows everyone to simply be themselves. This ‘love making’ between the space of two or more people is completely tangible and when felt, is confidently confirmed as that which we not only want but that which we have always been searching for. To discover it began within us all along.

I was someone who championed drinking, I was a party girl and was often loud and outrageous when I partied. I saw this as fun but underneath knew it always never felt quite right and would always be flat and deflated the next day. When drunk I would do anything and put my body through all sorts of reckless stuff and thought anyone who didn’t was boring. Now, today, I wouldn’t touch alcohol- my life isn’t full of crazy parties but it is much more loving and I am far more content.

I can see now how we all reflect something to each other, either a confirmation of who we all are or who we are not. I’ve wanted men and boys to fill my emptiness and put massive pressure on them to do this. I wasn’t allowing myself to be who I was and was putting the same pressure on myself… I never thought I was enough, so I would not see another as enough too. We can then play victim of the opposite sex and mostly never see our side of it. What I love about your sharing Cherise is that you deepened your understanding of what you brought to relationships based on how you were with yourself. What a gift others now receive when they meet you…. they get to meet themselves.

There is something deeply precious and sacred about the depth of relationship, full of love, care and nurture, that we can have with ourselves. Once felt, this isn’t because of the beauty we then radiate towards ourselves but to all others. Freeing men and boys up to be themselves, living truly who they are and other women and girls to know that they too can choose their divine femininity and self-love and thus live loving and fulfilled lives by virtue of honouring who they are. The healing is grand beyond measure and ripples outwardly to reach all those ready to awaken to their own glowing beauty.

Cherise, your blog acts as a solid role model, in the way you have shared your past experiences to the discoveries of self love. Simply brilliant and inspiring for anyone who is caught in the struggle between knowing what is true for them yet tangled in the ‘expected’ ideas of what they ‘should’ or ‘should not’ do

When we stop honouring ourselves, no matter how small a choice to do so, we begin a spiral into cloudiness and unclear waters ahead. On the other hand, when we honour who we are and every single thing that supports and feels true for us we are in a space of our own true awareness and clarity. This is not to say that we need to be perfect as we are always learning and uncovering the triggers that we hold which cause us to disempower ourselves, but the more our foundational relationship (with us) is built on a truly supportive way the more simple we recognise anything out-of-sorts that does not fit.

Thank you Cherise. You beautifully demonstrate how the relationship we have with ourselves dictates the extent to which we will allow ourselves to be influenced by a world thats chief mission seems to be to disconnect us from the sacredness we hold.

What is it that ‘having sex’ brings to a young person to make them want to do it before they are ready? After all, if we take the act of making love out of its social context and look at it from a purely practical and functional point of view, then what is it exactly that we are making such a big deal about? And How has it become so glamourised? The social status that comes with having sex when you are young is massive, this creates a huge pressure on the boys just as much as the girls, both of which are left feeling as if they are somehow inadequate if they do not preform, as if, somehow, a person’s identity can be determined by their sexual prowess.

Beautifully expressed Cherise, I can relate to overriding what I truly felt to fit in with others, especially drinking alcohol every cell in my body hated it but I continued to drink anyway as it was the ‘norm’. Crazy isn’t it what we do when we lose connection with ourselves, learning to honour myself has been key to deepening the connection with myself and then it is easy to make choices that are truly loving.

I liked how you talked about night clubs and the culture in them, its like as soon as you go to those places you have an invisible sign on you that says ‘I want sex’, everyone is wearing one of these signs. Things are accepted, like sleazy pick up attempts by guys but the girls are no better as the usual response is to giggle and they egg them on as they love the attention, its a totally meat market. How do I know all this you might ask, well lets just say I was one of those girls once upon a time!
I don’t judge anyone, as I was there once but its always beautiful to see woman and men alike come out the other end of that life style, especially with such humbleness and grace that you have Cherise.

Feeling the pressure to have sex when you are young is immense and as you have so correctly pointed out Cherise. That pressure is probably tenfold for teenagers today, with sexting, the internet, social media, all things that weren’t around when I was that age. But I still felt pressured. There was an expectation, a culture almost that you would ‘put out’, or be called awful names. I definitely had sex at an age that I didn’t feel to, yet succumbed for all the reasons you also felt Cherise, to be liked, for attention, to be loved. Choosing based on these reasons left me feeling very empty and feeling none of the things I was seeking in the first place. It wasn’t until I began to build a loving relationship with myself that this actually changed.

Our foundation is the marker of where our choices come from. The work of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine has been pivotal in sharing that the degree we are willing to go to in honouring ourselves and building a foundation supporting the quality that we say yes and not to in our lives. How great would it be to teach these loving foundations to our young so that they become more confident in the choices they make and express to one another where sexting and any communications that makes others feel less is recognised and spoken about openly. Thank you Cherise Holt for sharing your experience which is no doubt that of many.

‘How intriguing I find it now that I once made choices that would completely disregard my own body and its preciousness – it felt like an arrogance had taken me over,’ – Great that you have written about this arrogance Cherise. The arrogance of ‘I am long, it doesn’t matter’ or “bad things only happen to other people not me’ or I deserve to have fun’ we have created so many arrogant excuses to disregards our bodies throughout life. The truth is that each and every one of us is divinely precious, and equally sensitive, the variable lies in how much we are honouring this fact.

It is almost blinding how many of us fall for giving our power away to an ideal or belief of who we think we need to be or how we should act… often without even realising we do it at the expense of knowing and living who we truly are. There is nothing in this world worth attaining if this is the sacrifice.

Yes Samantha, there is nothing worth selling ourselves and our deeply lovely way of being out for and yet we can do this with almost anything when we aren’ t living with an awareness that the love we are actually exists! To reconnect to the love that is possible for oneself and to re-learn what it means to live in honour and cherishing of this essence we are given a great opportunity and new lease on life in so many ways, the doors of truly living are opened up to us and we are able to keep making the choices to not ‘sell-out’ over and over again until we hold our ground with it and it becomes our only solid way. What a learning life brings to us!

It is an interesting fact that many teenagers want to rebel and be different but at the same time want to conform and fit in with what all their friends are doing. It will be a wonderful day when it becomes normal for everyone to not drink alcohol and to truly respect and honour their body.

Alcohol is now so socially acceptable even though it’s proven to be linked to various forms of cancers and other life threatening illnesses, and linked to serious issues like domestic violence. There is such a happy-go-lucky image attached to drinking and getting drunk but it’s anything but, the realities for the body and for relationships is very damaging. But the attitudes and beliefs about alcohol, and the advertising only have power until we listen to the truth from how our body feels and get honest about what it’s truly doing to us, and self love is a huge part of this process.

Well said Melinda, ‘getting honest’ is very much needed here.. Just recently I have recalled my own family history with alcohol and after witnessing the end of life (due to alcohol related incidents) of two of my relatives, have I wondered how we all stood by and didn’t ask – what is/was going on? When someone is doing really well in life we can find it easy to talk to them about their choices, but when someone is not going so well or is making choices to disregard their own bodies we can stand idle with blinkers on and worse still, wrap it all up as ‘being normal’. Again, honesty is an important place to begin on this topic.

Beautiful blog Cherise, I remember the big pressures around loosing your virginity and wanting it to be special at the same time. Like you I have discovered that it is never the outer that is going to be perfect as long as there is an inner emptiness and lack of love for oneself. It will be all about having the right boyfriend, best sex, best parties etc until we choose to love ourselves and from there naturally have the most beautiful intimate relationships, best making love and celebrations in our living way each day.

At the base of our ill health as women lies our self-worth or lack thereof, when we bring our focus to this, begin to care for and nurture our bodies and make authoritative choices for what happens to us we build a way of living that that builds our self-worth. From here we can only deepen, our care becomes love and then nurturing as we move deeper still to our sacredness, to connect to this is every woman’s given right and one that we must remind ourselves we always have.

It’s interesting you mentioned ‘normal’ and it has had me consider that ‘normal’ is constantly being redefined. It’s like the more we loose connection to the truth of who we are, the further away from self love we become, accepting levels of abuse as ‘normal’. We have lost ourselves to the energy that is dictating ‘normal’, yet the choice is always there to return to our truth, our inner voice that is always there to support us back to self love.

Cherise – in your blog you mention ‘To ‘be liked’ you must be easy going, available and show that you’re different to other women – not controlling or manipulative or emotional, etc.’ – its funny how i used to think and behave this same way – but it resulted in me being weak and nice to men. Now that I have realised my true strength and solidness as a woman, I find that I am easy going, open, not controlling or manipulative or emotional – but in a completely different way – because I have the foundation of holding myself as the tender and powerful woman I am – and this can be felt by those who meet me. I am stepping away from nice and stepping into true which might be expressed in similar ways but the quality is completely different.

A great way of expressing this, when we are truly in our authority, that is, living fully and unashamedly who we are we are naturally not controlling and definitely not emotional. We bring a truth to ourselves that then makes it simpler to live this around other people too.

Thank you Cherise, what you say here is very powerful and shows us the true way to go : “My connection to my inner-heart is gracious and solid and because I know this I will never have to give my power away to a substance that only serves to abuse or numb me from the truth, or override my feelings with adopted ideals or beliefs”. All we need to do is express and come from this connection all of the time and so we will be more aware, knowing and truly empowered by our own essence – that is love.

Substances that make us feel dull, racy or less clear in our own heads cannot be supportive to our whole bodies and certainly don’t help our relationships – those with ourselves and with others. When we are clear to think clearly, to observe life and to feel what is going on for and around us we are far more naturally equipped to deal with anything that comes our way and equally able to build solid relationships built on this clarity and loving way of being.

It is extraordinary what society has come to see as normal behaviour that really amounts to self-abuse. I am so thankful to be ever learning to be more honouring of myself as life goes on, and knowing that I am more honouring of others in the process.

Responding to the words “I love you” when they are not true is a trap women young and old fall into. That we can give ourselves away so readily on a false premise is testimony to our lack of self-worth and honouring. With a solid sense of self and a developed capacity to read and discern we would not land in situations that compromise us, on any level.

Great and very much needed article Cherise. Thank you. This truth needs to be told. Around relationships, dating, going out, partying, there are so many false ideals and believes what is the normal in this society. The fact that drinking alcohol is the norm is totally crazy if you think of the fact that alcohol is poison and our bodies are clearly indicating after a night of drinking that they do not want this stuff poured in ever again. But I have also gained an understanding for the fact that people drink alcohol: because they miss the feeling of true joy, power, confidence in themselves, they seek it in a substance that simulates these feelings of joy, power and even love. And then it will be taken away. So you will drink again. I know it to be true as I have been there myself.

What a great expose, Cherise, on how we override what we know to be true, to obtain recognition, acceptance and to be liked. As you say it is intriguing as to why we do this? Social, cultural and family pressures indeed have a lot to answer for in what they do to strip a person of self worth, love and acceptance.

Appreciating your openness and honesty here Cherise. Such lessons are so frequently ‘learnt’ as we say, but then, are they truly learnt…? For we so commonly go back to repeat behaviours we know deep down are self-destructive, and that diminish ourselves – often times over and over again…
It takes someone who willing to truly learn and make the call as to what love really is, for a true difference to be made. How absolutely awesome that you have done this, and exposed and offered so much to others in the process.

What you have expressed here Cherise is powerful, true and oh so wise, thank you;
“With a true sense of self-worth and self-love, we can provide our children with true role models and present to humanity a way of life that shows we need not succumb to the pressures from outside of us”.

It is truly shocking that children are being placed under incredible pressure at younger and younger ages to engage in increasingly self-harming behaviours and what I am struck by re-reading your blog is the key role played by the consumption of alcohol because without its inhibition-lowering effects so much of this behaviour would not happen. Until we are willing to recognise alcohol for the poison it is and challenge the deeply embedded beliefs that encourage its consumption its damaging effects will continue to escalate.
For many years we have had health warnings on cigarette packets but there is still a collective unwillingness to address the deep harm that alcohol has inflicted on society by our lack of responsibility in addressing this issue.

There are so many ideals around about when it is the ‘right’ time to have sex for the first time and I feel there is only one true one and that is when it feels absolutely true to yourself in that moment to make love with someone. There is never a reason to do it when it not feels right – what ever our partner says. To be able to stand in that solidly you do need to have love for yourself and an understanding of what true love is and how many ideals there are. I feel making is something to be done only in a loving relationship where expressing love is the norm so this naturally is there as well in the bed room.

That’s so true, most of us enter into relationships without having first that love for ourselves and so we are at best unsteady in the relationship, and never really honouring what we feel or know to be true.

Thank you Cherise for a great article, much younger children these days are searching for some form of attention recognition and love, giving over their bodies to be used and abused. Self care and self love are the healing ingredients that people of all ages are looking out of themselves for, once they find that connection their lives will never be the same as you in your life have so beautifully experienced.

The world has become so lost in how to get the true love we all deserve and desire. Substitution of sex, and sexual behaviour will never deliver the goods. It is certainly time for us as a society to ask if there is another way, a way of connecting with people not based on their body, but on their being, and following from that the physical act of making love is natural.

I am realising that there are always deepening levels of love to go to within myself. I now wouldn’t accept in a relationship what I previously did but can also see that with a deeper level of love for myself certain issues that are present now would not be there. It is a forever deepening expression.

Wow this is so needed for our teenagers lost in this false world who think this is the way forward. Love the honesty in your blog and I can hostly say that I have had countless experiences of the hazy cloud of alcohol days once upon a time and so glad that I no longer wake up with this anymore.

Isn’t it lovely to go to a party where there is no alcohol and you can truely have fun without this drug that gives a falsity of fun and enjoy the following day remembering everything.

“How intriguing I find it now that I once made choices that would completely disregard my own body and its preciousness” I find it intriguing too how many choices we make that are simply not right for us, and we know this. There are so many reasons and excuses and explanations as to why we make choices that negatively impact our lives, but none of it really makes sense. What would life look like if we only made choices that were true to what we felt, and never disregarded our physical body?

What amazes me is how disrespectful we can be with ourselves and put ourselves into some tricky situations when drunk, and then the following week find ourselves doing something similar again, all to fit in with our friends.

Through the commitment to re-connecting to myself I find myself becoming more aware of truth through the observation of movements in others. Very often what another says can be very different to what is coming from their body eg. an attachment to a substance such as alcohol or to an activity such as sex can bring about lies.

When we lose our sense of connection to ourselves we lose our sense of what is true and what is not and instead succumb to the climate we are surrounded in, regardless if it feels right, honouring or true. It is challenging to honor ourselves when we are surrounded by a society that champions disregard, and even glamourises it. True role models are in short supply hence the importance of our embracing our responsibility to stand up for what is true, to honor ourselves and the love we deserve to live. Not only is this valuable for ourselves but also for all those watching on, looking for real inspiration, so they can see that there is a choice and another way of being that honors our connection to who we are within, our love.

It is sad to read that children are getting involved with pornography earlier these days, and the behaviour that would have seemed extreme say ten years ago will seem like kindergarten if this trend continues.

It is interesting the degree to which we all collude with each other to partake in activities that take us down and sometimes even destroy us. Try to spot the same collusion to lift each other to higher and greater levels, there is not much of that going on!

I too appreciate your openness and honesty here with us Cherise and can relate to what you share with us. I partied a lot in my 20’s and early 30’s, which included casual sexual encounters. Both the party and the casual sex, always resulted in feeling very below par the next day, and often there was sadness/anger as well, that I had done it again, and at times I wore a hangover like a badge of honour – ‘look at me, I am super fun and crazy’ because I drank too much last night. It was never honouring of my true feelings and the preciousness that I now know we all are.

Until I was presented with the option or possibility of self love, I wouldn’t have thought it could be any different for teenagers and youth – I felt that I didn’t want to participate in the wildness and self abuse that was going on at parties and gatherings but couldn’t make a clear distinction or claimed choice as to what I stand for and what I don’t – and when I felt the first glimpse of love for self from self love I was feet and head full in – there truly is another way.

Its humorous to understand that we are sourced from love , and then we have this illusionary game that we are looking for love , but truly we are avoiding love. Think about it if one gets drunk to what ever degree can they honestly say they are looking for love. Can they honestly say they are socialising.

Whilst we can say that sexting or having a ‘one-night’ stand is cheating on our partner (if we have one) it should also be noted that it is in truth cheating on ourselves first because we are accepting abuse and not true love who loves us for the being that is who we truly are.

By looking outside of ourselves for love instead of accepting it comes from within we are quite blatantly accepting a degree of sexualisation as the norm that both cheapens and erodes our sense of self-worth and the very connection to the love we have within that we so crave.

We are not taught to have basic respect for ourselves at school – or anywhere else, I know if I had kids it would be one of my top priorities to teach them to love, respect and absolutely cherish themselves so that they never felt it necessary to sell out to sexting or one night stands. I think the extremely high level of one night stands and encounters based solely on sexual attraction are a massive indicator that we are not living with a sufficiently high level of self respect on a global scale.