Democrats choose Mouse as new mascot; Donkey ousted

WASHINGTON DC – In a surprise move, Congressional Democrats have decided to replace the party’s longstanding Donkey mascot with that of a Mouse. The decision was announced this morning following an all-night, Democrats-only session in the Senate chamber.

“We felt the need to update our image,” Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid told reporters. “The Donkey was a fine mascot, but we want to change the impression that we are stubborn. A Mouse is more… compliant.”

House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi, flanking Reid at the press conference, added, “This doesn’t mean we aren’t going to keep fighting hard for middle-class Americans. Unless Republicans look like they might get ready to start thinking about a filibuster. All bets are off then.”

Indeed, Senate Democrats used their 19-vote majority last week to aggressively back away from extending jobless benefits. They’ve also thrown their weight around to cave in to bankers’ demands instead of passing meaningful financial reform. And now President Obama is getting in on the act: The White House says it plans to follow through on the opposite of a campaign promise by leaving the prison in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba open indefinitely.

“Once again, we hear talk of bipartisanship, yet the Democrats chose to make this mascot decision without Republican input,” said McConnell. “We have lots of ideas for what their mascot should be, but they never asked us.”

The Donkey, reached by phone at his home in a posh northwestern Washington DC neighborhood, said Democrats are “a bunch of pansies” who deserve to suffer heavy losses in the November midterm elections.

“Honestly, I was embarrassed to tell people I’m that donkey,” he said. “The only bad thing about losing my job is that I no longer have a way to support my $10,000 a week cocaine and prostitute habit.”

He also admits to feeling like an ass.

Reaction in GOP circles was mixed, with so-called establishment Republicans choosing to stand behind the classic Elephant mascot while some up-and-comers suggest their party might benefit from making some changes as well.

Four-term Arizona Senator John McCain said, “If the Democrats think an Elephant is afraid of a mouse, they should stop watching so many cartoons. The big E is here to stay, my friends.”

In contrast, GOP Senate candidate Rand Paul of Kentucky, who has attracted plenty of media attention lately for his controversial statements, is open to ditching the Elephant in favor of a fresher image.

“I was thinking we could go with a southern plantation owner, circa 1850,” he said. “A strict constitutionalist, but also funny, like he could be on a commercial for a fast-food chain or something.”

When told such a character might engender negative associations in the minds of certain voters, Paul said, “Oh, you mean because of the slavery thing? I get that. I definitely think institutionalized slavery was one of the 200 worst things that ever happened in this country.”

While long-serving Republicans continue to cringe at the embarrassingly racist comments made by its outside-the-beltway candidates, unified Democrats vow to continue failing to take advantage of their opponent’s mistakes.

“We’ll do our very best to get clobbered this November, Mouse or no Mouse,” said Reid, who added, “Wait. What did I just say?”