We All Need a Laugh These Days

A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

How Elephants Scratch Their Balls

Jesus Wants to be Hung Like This

Now that's one quick way to embarass a woman at the beach

How to Trick Your Friends into Revealing Their Passwords

Easter Island and Stonehenge are Two Parts of One Whole

Poor troubled T-Rex

Not silly rabbit, starving rabbit

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers,he dialed the employee's cell phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," the whisper answered.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter." answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle. "ME"

Employee : Sir, you called me?

Boss : Yeah,go to the rest room and masturbate.

Employee : (After few mins) ,done sir

Boss : Do it again.

Employee : Done again, sir.

Boss : Do it once more

Employee : Now I don't have stamina for it, sir.

Boss : Very good,here are my car keys, drop my daughter at home.

An old Bush Pilot in northern Minnesota woke up one morning to find a bear on the roof of his cabin. He looked in the Yellow Pages, and sure enough, there was an ad for "Up North Bear Removers." He called the number listed and the bear remover said he'd be over within an hour.

The bear remover arrived, and got out of his van. He had a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12 gauge shotgun, and a mean looking, heavily scarred old pit bull.

"What are you going to do.?" the homeowner asked.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there, and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles, and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He then handed the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" the homeowner asked.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, you shoot the dog."

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.
"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
"Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

An actual Craig's List Personals Ad
To the guy who tried to mug me downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2010-09-27, 1:43am EST
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled a knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan. She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it?
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again.]
After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your numbers, etc.).
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you, but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Semper Fi,
Alex

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Bumper sticker of the year: 'If you can read this, thank a teacher - and, since it's in English, thank a soldier'

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

I was eating lunch on the 20th of January with my 7-year-old granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"
She said "It's President's Day!"
She is a smart kid. So, I asked "What does President's Day mean?"
I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln etc. She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment."
You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now."
"Yes, I remember him as a baby.." says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though." the mother confides.
"Oh, so sad dear…" says the other.
"And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21."
"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born."
"He's a martyr too…" says the mother quietly.
"Oh, gracious me…" says the other. "
And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18", she whispers.
"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school…"
"He's a martyr also," says the mother, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says — They blow up so fast, don't they?

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white U.S. government official, ' You have observed the white man for 90 years.
You've seen his wars and his technological advances.
You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'
The Chief nodded in agreement and the official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied, 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine Man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'
Then the chief leaned back and smiled, 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'

Were having a little trouble training our wiener dog

A husband and wife are at a zoo. The wife is wearing a low cut shirt and tight pants. As they pass the gorilla cage, the ape goes wild and shows signs of attraction to the wife. The husband says "honey shake your ass for him!" She does and the ape begins pounding on the bars in a horny rage. Laughing the husband says "show him your breasts!" She does and the ape gets even more wild. Then the husband says "show him your bush!" She pulls her shorts down to her ankles and shows Mr. Gorilla the works. Suddenly the husband opens the cage and shoves his wife in and yells: "NOW TELL HIM YOU HAVE A FUCKING HEADACHE!"

Allison, a rescued green sea turtle who has only one flipper, swims with the aid of a fin attached with neoprene, on April 8. Without the attached fin, Allison can only swim in circles. Sea Turtle Inc., a not-for-profit in South Padre Island, Texas, helped outfit the turtle with a black neoprene suit, with a carbon-fiber dorsal fin on the back, that allows her to swim with other turtles. Researchers think the five-year-old turtle lost a flipper in a shark attack, The Associated Press reports. (Eric Gay/AP Photo )

When A Man Can't Stand It Anymore

Just How Hot Is It?

Wal-Mart now has Obama Christmas Tree ornaments
Apparently it's OK to hang a black man from a tree again!!!

Computer addicts never die... They just go offline...

I am perplexed that so many of my friends are against a mosque being built near Ground Zero. I think it should be the goal of every American to be tolerant. The mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.
That is why I also propose, that two gay nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque thereby promoting tolerance within the mosque. We could call the Clubs "The Turban Cowboy" and "You Mecca Me So Hot."
Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork and have an open BBQ with spare ribs as its daily special.
Across the street a very daring lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret" with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.
Next door to the lingerie shop, there would be room for an Adult Toy Shop, called "All Ah Need," in flashing neon lights.

Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women
#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times
#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the Number One reason Why Men Prefer Guns over women...
#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun

Cruelest tattoo possible — You must be at least this tall to enjoy this ride

The sword is more important than the shield, and skill is more important than either.

The final weapon is the brain. All else is supplemental.

Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.

If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.

I carry a gun because a cop is too heavy.

When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.

A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him 'Why do you carry a 45?'
The Ranger responded, 'Because they don't make a 46.'

The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm. 'Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?'
'No Ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my shotgun.'

Beware the man who only carries one gun. HE PROBABLY KNOWS HOW TO USE IT!!!

I was once asked by a lady visiting if I had a gun in the house. I said I did. She said 'Well I certainly hope it isn't loaded!'
To which I said, of course it is loaded...it can't work without bullets!'
She then asked, 'Are you that afraid of someone evil coming into your house?'
My reply was, "No not at all. I am not afraid of the house catching fire either, but I have fire extinguishers around, and they are all loaded too".

The four bottles of life...what stage are you on?

David Letterman's top 10 reasons why there are no black Nascar drivers:10: You have to sit upright while driving
9: The pistol won't stay under the front seat
8: Engine noise drowns out the rap music
7: Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants
6: They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt, Jr.
5: Police cars on the track interfere with race
4: No passenger seat for the ho
3: No Cadillacs are approved for competition
2: When they crash their cars, the bail out & run
And the #1 reason why blacks can't be in NASCAR...
1: The can't wear their helmets sideways

The first man married a woman from Utah. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Louisiana. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Pennsylvania. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

And thus, dear students, we have arrived at the formula for understanding women.

Sam: Did I impress you when I ordered our dinners in French?
Pam: Not at all.
Sam: Why not?
Pam: Because we're in a Chinese restaurant.

My wife was always after me to go shopping with her.
Then I began wearing my favorite shirt..... She doesn't want me to go shopping with her anymore.

Here is how you serve chicken wings to a man:

Here is a portion of the Scuba.com newsletter I received

I added the green to illustrate my point.

How would you pronounce this child's name:

"Le-a"

Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.

This child attends a school in Detroit, MI. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It's pronounced "Ledasha." When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
If they axe you why, tell them the dash don't be silent.

Florida Belly Button Jewelry

Alabama Belly Button Jewelry

*This content was collected from the depths of the internet and is not my intellectual property.