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Today was not the day

No big packet appeared in the mailbox today. No slim envelope waited for me there either. There were bills, a catalogue, and plenty of mail addressed to people who don’t live in the house anymore, but nothing I wanted.

When I left teaching, I wanted to de-stress my life. I wanted to go after my dreams. I had visions of applying to schools and writing in my free time and just sitting back and being Happy.

Little did I know that my anxiety would follow me into my glittery fairy land sans stress.

Stress is relative. When I was teaching, there were many things that made me happy. I felt needed and mostly supported, but I wasn’t following many of my goals in life, and I couldn’t find time to do what I wanted because I felt like I had deadlines and too many responsibilities hanging over my head all the time. While I felt needed, I didn’t feel like the administration distributed the work evenly, and I was tired of it (seemingly) landing on my shoulders all the time. Their Vision wasn’t my Vision; I had other dreams. I had to leave, but sadly and with much love for what they were trying to do.

Now that I am following my dreams, trying to write while waiting on word from PhD programs, I am adrift. Most people go through this at 21-22 years old, fresh out of college, and I am 30. I feel like I am constantly buffeted back toward the shore by the waves, unable to get a real start on something. This is partly self-esteem (that’s the nice 90’s term for it), and partly feeling very alone in this brave new world.

I turned in my portion of my applications in the beginning of December. Thats four (4!) months of waiting for decisions to be made by some Oz behind the curtain. I am still waiting on two decisions, and I am hopeful because they are taking a long time to get back to me, and so is my baby ulcer (just kidding, I don’t think I’ve formed an ulcer, Mom and Dad).

I guess what I’ve been trying to say about stress and anxiety is that when I was teaching, I had less time to think about the stress and anxiety I was feeling at the time. At the same time, I was also less able to cope with those same stressors, which caused all sorts of destructive behavior.

I am a much happier (and rational) person than I was even a year ago, but I have a long way to go. I am still in the shallows blown around by the waves. That smooth water is in sight out there, but it’s going to take some paddling.

Pic from the MLKJr memorial wall in DC from this past weekend. Max and I went for a wedding, both the wedding and the memorial were amazing, more on DC later!