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Topic: When it Rains it Pours (Read 66587 times)

Thank god I am taking medicine for the shingles.Because this morning I was able to findly reach an touch my older brother VIA computer I thought I was dreaming so I answered an ten minutes later I get a call an it,s my brother we talked then he drop the bomb shell my younger brother which I knew was HIV+ had died of AIDS.Now I wish was just a awful dream!Don,t get me wrong their were other deaths but my younger brother was my link to my mom,s side of the family.I was diagnosed an infected ten years before him that go,s to prove the point that if it,s not your time it,s not your time.Don,t get me wrong I not ready to go any where!This Go,s Out To My Younger Brother!!!P.S. Some of you will Know this Song I,m Only writing the first two Verses!!!

If you need a friend,don,t look to a stanger,You know in the end,I,ll always be there

And when you,re in doubt,and when you,re in dangerTake a look all around,and I,ll be there. I will try to not let this to make me worst.Dwayn20 (Scooter)

Dwayn, I'm so very sorry to hear of the loss of your younger brother to this dreadful disease. The next few months I'm sure will be very difficult for you, but you know you have everyone's ear on these forums for support.

Dwayn 20 I am so sorry to hear about your brother...losing a close relative is always painful I just lost my younger sister to breast cancer a few months ago..First the shock of them being younger than you then the realization that you have no control over who, or when will be next...My deepest condolences .... feel fee to PM or just dump any thoughts in a PM to me...

Thank god I am taking medicine for the shingles.Because this morning I was able to findly reach an touch my older brother VIA computer I thought I was dreaming so I answered an ten minutes later I get a call an it,s my brother we talked then he drop the bomb shell my younger brother which I knew was HIV+ had died of AIDS.Now I wish was just a awful dream!Don,t get me wrong their were other deaths but my younger brother was my link to my mom,s side of the family.I was diagnosed an infected ten years before him that go,s to prove the point that if it,s not your time it,s not your time.Don,t get me wrong I not ready to go any where!This Go,s Out To My Younger Brother!!!P.S. Some of you will Know this Song I,m Only writing the first two Verses!!!

If you need a friend,don,t look to a stanger,You know in the end,I,ll always be there

And when you,re in doubt,and when you,re in dangerTake a look all around,and I,ll be there.

I Will Not Let This Make Me Worst It,s A Battle I Will Win With All The Help That I Have Recieved.Thanks All.Dwayn20(Scooter)

================================================================================================================================= 03-24-2009Update I talked to my older brother this morning an finally was able to ask him when my younger brother died he said about six years ago Jan 12 he was not sure what he died from but he said that Donny was speaking funny the day before an the doctors did not tell him what he had.Surprisingly I am better than when I first wrote the original post.Thanks to all for the support I have received.Dwayn20(Scooter)[/b=================================================================================================================================03-25-2009I now believe there was very little I could have done even if I had been there.So now I have to pick myself up an take care of my health an my older brother knows about my situation he has known before we knew about my younger brother. This is the facts what don,t kill you only makes you stronger even though it shore as hell don,t feel that way at the time.Time will heal.I feel that you make three steps forward an something come along go back five steps.I guess such is life.Well mine anyway? Anyone else???Dwayn20(Scooter)

03-26-2009 Its hard when you take you Ambien around 8.30 at night an by 11.30 you wide awake an the weather has gotten bad an now have to do a breathing treatment if its not one problem its something else.I think I am thinking to much about my brother an it looks like no amount of medicine will help.Time I guest is the only healer.

Thank god I am taking medicine for the shingles.Because this morning I was able to findlay reach an touch my older brother VIA computer I thought I was dreaming so I answered an ten minutes later I get a call an it,s my brother we talked then he drop the bomb shell my younger brother which I knew was HIV+ had died of AIDS.Now I wish was just a awful dream!Don,t get me wrong their were other deaths but my younger brother was my link to my mom,s side of the family.I was diagnosed an infected ten years before him that go,s to prove the point that if it,s not your time it,s not your time.Don,t get me wrong I not ready to go any where!This Go,s Out To My Younger Brother!!!P.S. Some of you will Know this Song I,m Only writing the first two Verses!!!

If you need a friend,don,t look to a stranger,You know in the end,I,ll always be there

And when you,re in doubt,and when you,re in dangerTake a look all around,and I,ll be there.

I Will Not Let This Make Me Worst It,s A Battle I Will Win With All The Help That I Have Received.Thanks All.Dwayne 20(Scooter)

================================================================================================================================= 03-24-2009Update I talked to my older brother this morning an finally was able to ask him when my younger brother died he said about six years ago Jan 12 he was not sure what he died from but he said that Donny was speaking funny the day before an the doctors did not tell him what he had.Surprisingly I am better than when I first wrote the original post.Thanks to all for the support I have received.Dwayn20(Scooter)[/b=================================================================================================================================03-25-2009I now believe there was very little I could have done even if I had been there.So now I have to pick myself up an take care of my health an my older brother knows about my situation he has known before we knew about my younger brother. This is the facts what don,t kill you only makes you stronger even though it shore as hell don,t feel that way at the time.Time will heal.I feel that you make three steps forward an something come along go back five steps.I guess such is life.Well mine anyway? Anyone else???Dwayne 20(Scooter)[/quote============================================================================================================================03-27-2009I sometimes wonder if the meds I take are causing my brain to run a mile a second one day I feel fine an the next minute it feel like every thing is coming crashing back down on me. Apparently something must be out of whack.I am going to talk to the psychologists nurse practitioner Wed.Maybe with all that has happened the past couple of weeks the meds need to be tweaked.Dwayn20(Scooter)P.S. Spell check is on the Fritz

Dwayne I am so sorry to hear about your brother. I have been estranged from my brother before and he has had some rough times. I think the hurt from losing a sibling is like no other hurt, especially when the sibling was having troubles. I offer my condolences and will think of you. Matt

I thank you.I was estranged with my older brother because a remark about not wanting me to infect his family.That was eighteen years ago an then I found out later it was gossip heard from his coworkers an then he finds out his younger brother was also positive from drugs.See I was taken from my mom when I was one year old an did not get to know my two brothers till I was sixteen.I think my older brother is more informed now.Now I wait by the phone to see if my Mom will contact me.What was done in the past was not my fault.

Dwayne I am so sorry to hear about your brother. I have been estranged from my brother before and he has had some rough times. I think the hurt from losing a sibling is like no other hurt, especially when the sibling was having troubles. I offer my condolences and will think of you. Matt

I know in previous post I said that I was all cried out I was wrong I guest it will take a little longer to get over this than I thought.It,s Friday night an I am feeling very lonesome for a lot of reasons.Being a long time survivor is sometimes hard.Yes I am seeing someone for my issues but there is no one near by to talk to that knows what this is like.Don,t get me wrong their are people like the ones that live next door.They all know my situation but it,s not the same.Dwayn20(Scooter)

I thank you.I was estranged with my older brother because a remark about not wanting me to infect his family.That was eighteen years ago an then I found out later it was gossip heard from his coworkers an then he finds out his younger brother was also positive from drugs.See I was taken from my mom when I was one year old an did not get to know my two brothers till I was sixteen.I think my older brother is more informed now.Now I wait by the phone to see if my Mom will contact me.What was done in the past was not my fault.

Oh dwayne, I think this kind of grief will come in waves. At times you will feel it more intensely. And it will subside but probably never fully go away. The loneliness is awful. You might want to take that energy on certain nights or days and plan ahead to be out some where with any activity. My friend who just lost her lover of 14 years is taking all kinds of classes to get through the loneliness. Its hard to beat that one. I know it hurts so bad.

While I appreciate that you're only trying to be helpful, The Long Term Survivors who populate this particular section of the forums would prefer if newly-diagnosed people such as yourself refrained from posting in threads here.

Please see these two threads for a fuller explanation of how they feel about this subject...

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

I feel that things are not going the way I had hoped.I am going to pray that get better soon.I feel like I am in Quick Sand an sinking fast.It make me think of the old saying The Best Laid Plans Of Mice An Men Often Go Ayrie?Dwayn20(Scooter)

I know in previous post I said that I was all cried out I was wrong I guest it will take a little longer to get over this than I thought.It,s Friday night an I am feeling very lonesome for a lot of reasons.Being a long time survivor is sometimes hard.Yes I am seeing someone for my issues but there is no one near by to talk to that knows what this is like.Don,t get me wrong their are people like the ones that live next door.They all know my situation but it,s not the same.Dwayne 20(Scooter)

Is the grief what's causing you to go on this downward spiral? I know how you feel; both my parents died within the last year and 1/2. I guess though, I don't know what you're going through. They didn't die from Aids, and we all go through grief differently. I know the death of a family member can be extremely difficult. Just cry when you need to. And keep talking. We're here, ya know. Luv,Betty

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

I think it,s a lot of things yes finding out about my brothers death was bad.It seems like it,s a never ending bad movie.I with my health problems had to take care of my aunt which was more like my mother if it was not for her I would not be alive.She was one of the first people that I told about my Hiv test twenty years ago.She an my Grandmother did not have a problem they were there.My aunts stay lasted six months then she was put into nursing home.For the last ten years I would talk with on the phone for hours at a time.She died about a month ago which I have no problem with.Died Thursday family calls on sunday afternoon at 5 pm to tell me she had died an was burying her Monday morning at 10 am. I am still numb from that.Then I thought I might have figured out how to go to Boston now I am not sure?Dwayn20(Scooter) P.S.Thanks BettyI believe that at 9 pm I am still waiting for the phone to ring from my aunt.Call me a addict because that is what it sounds like.Dwayn20(Scooter)

Is the grief what's causing you to go on this downward spiral? I know how you feel; both my parents died within the last year and 1/2. I guess though, I don't know what you're going through. They didn't die from Aids, and we all go through grief differently. I know the death of a family member can be extremely difficult. Just cry when you need to. And keep talking. We're here, ya know. Luv,Betty

Today was one of my better days.I decided this morning I would sow the seeds of Hope.So now time will tell what becomes of it.If they bloom into what I hope it be good if nothing happens at least I tried my best.No I won,t be disappointed.I am hoping that all the tear drops shed will water the seeds that were sowed today.Every journey starts with a single step.Dwayn20(Scooter)

I think it,s a lot of things yes finding out about my brothers death was bad.It seems like it,s a never ending bad movie.I with my health problems had to take care of my aunt which was more like my mother if it was not for her I would not be alive.She was one of the first people that I told about my Hiv test twenty years ago.She an my Grandmother did not have a problem they were there.My aunts stay lasted six months then she was put into nursing home.For the last ten years I would talk with on the phone for hours at a time.She died about a month ago which I have no problem with.Died Thursday family calls on sunday afternoon at 5 pm to tell me she had died an was burying her Monday morning at 10 am. I am still numb from that.Then I thought I might have figured out how to go to Boston now I am not sure?Dwayn20(Scooter) P.S.Thanks BettyI believe that at 9 pm I am still waiting for the phone to ring from my aunt.Call me a addict because that is what it sounds like.Dwayn20(Scooter)

My Life Is Like The Ocean It Reaches Far And Wide.But Also Like The Ocean It Ebbs And Flows.I Thank God I Have Friends That Keep Me A Float Just Like A Life Preserver.You Know Who You Are.I Filled The Poz.Com Mentor Application But I Am Scared That I May Not Be Ready Even Though I Have Been Dealing With This For Twenty Years.Would Love To Here Your Opinion.I,m Not Sure I Can Make A Difference.Dwayn20(Scooter)

Today was one of my better days.I decided this morning I would sow the seeds of Hope.So now time will tell what becomes of it.If they bloom into what I hope it be good if nothing happens at least I tried my best.No I won,t be disappointed.I am hoping that all the tear drops shed will water the seeds that were sowed today.Every journey starts with a single step.Dwayne 20(Scooter)

Is any of the long time survivors mentors.I would really like to know so I can find out if this is the right thing for me.I sometimes feel lost so how can I help someone else.Even though I have been dealing with this for all most twenty one years.I really want to help an I know I also said that every journey begins with a single step.I am at a crossroad.Please send some positive input.Would really appreciate it.Dwayn20 AKA(Scooter)

My Life Is Like The Ocean It Reaches Far And Wide.But Also Like The Ocean It Ebbs And Flows.I Thank God I Have Friends That Keep Me A Float Just Like A Life Preserver.You Know Who You Are.I Filled The Poz.Com Mentor Application But I Am Scared That I May Not Be Ready Even Though I Have Been Dealing With This For Twenty Years.Would Love To Here Your Opinion.I,m Not Sure I Can Make A Difference.Dwayn20(Scooter)

I ask questions an its there is no one answering.Did I do something wrong that I am not aware of if so I am sorry.Longevity is sometime a curse.I talk to my older brother other day and ask him if he had told my mom that he finally talk to me he said he had.They thought I was dead so I told him to give my mom my phone number when she was ready to talk I am always there.The waiting is agonizing.I not sure what to do. Dwayn20 AKA (Scooter)

So, Sorry to hear of your troubles in life at this time. All of us have our problems and ordeals we go through.I just want to give you a little support and I hope this helps you in your time of needing friends, even if we are through the internet.

Sincerely,Jerry

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1997 is when I found out, being deathly ill. I had to go to the hospital due to extreme headache and fever. I fell coma like, two months later weighing 95 pounds and in extreme pain and awoke to knowledge of Pancreatis, Cryptococcal Meningitis, Thrush,Severe Diarea, Wasting, PCP pneumonia. No eating, only through tpn. Very sick, I was lucky I had good insurance with the company I worked for. I was in the hospital for three months that time. (2010 Now doing OK cd4=210 VL= < 75)I have become resistant to many nukes and non nukes, Now on Reyataz, , Combivir. Working well for me not too many side effects. I have the wasting syndrome, Fatigue . Hard to deal with but believe it or not I have been through worse. Three Pulmonary Embolism's in my life. 2012 520 t's <20 V load

Went the doctor today to see psychologist at what I thought was a 1.15 pm appointment an was told the appointment was for 11.15am boy was I mad.When I had call to make the new appointment the girl told me the only opening they had was 1.15pm it must have been my fault because of every thing that has been going on.Now the new one is for Monday an I have the paper to prove it.So it has been a long day.Scooter

I am tired. I keep waiting by the phone. Nothing's happening! It's raining outside an ongoing nuts. I'm trying to figure out how to get money for the BOSTON trip. It's not going easily. If I'd made some mistakes I am using voice recognition. So for so good. My medicines or making me nauseous. You would think by now my body would be used to them.Scooter

Went the doctor today to see psychologist at what I thought was a 1.15 pm appointment an was told the appointment was for 11.15am boy was I mad.When I had call to make the new appointment the girl told me the only opening they had was 1.15pm it must have been my fault because of every thing that has been going on.Now the new one is for Monday an I have the paper to prove it.So it has been a long day.Scooter

I am feeling better today because I know that I now have friends all over the world.I do have a question for those that have taken medicines for a long time.My hands and feet suffer from neuropathy an take 9 400mg capsules a day which helps.My problem is now when I type or do other things my hands shake bad.So it make it hard to type sometimes.Anyone else have this kind of shaking problem.I set up voice an video calling on the computer.Which allows me to type a note without touching key board still working on it.Scooter

I am tired. I keep waiting by the phone. Nothing's happening! It's raining outside an ongoing nuts. I'm trying to figure out how to get money for the BOSTON trip. It's not going easily. If I'd made some mistakes I am using voice recognition. So for so good. My medicines or making me nauseous. You would think by now my body would be used to them.Scooter

I am trying every avenue to find a way to make the most of every day an doing whatever I must to go to Boston in August.I try to keep positive in mind an body.It is hard when you live with a negative friend. You would think after twenty plus years he would get it by now. I think some times he wishes he was also positive which would really push me over the edge.He get angry over stupid stuff.Doctors an friends have asked me if he would go to see a doctor.Then it turns into to a fight so I learned to leave it alone.With what has happened in the last few weeks he should have been a shoulder to cry on.But he was not.So I live in my sorrow alone until I found this Web Sites.Scooter

I am feeling better today because I know that I now have friends all over the world.I do have a question for those that have taken medicines for a long time.My hands and feet suffer from neuropathy an take 9 400mg capsules a day which helps.My problem is now when I type or do other things my hands shake bad.So it make it hard to type sometimes.Anyone else have this kind of shaking problem.I set up voice an video calling on the computer.Which allows me to type a note without touching key board still working on it.Scooter

I am trying every avenue to find a way to make the most of every day an doing whatever I must to go to Boston in August.I try to keep positive in mind an body.It is hard when you live with a negative friend. You would think after twenty plus years he would get it by now. I think some times he wishes he was also positive which would really push me over the edge.He get angry over stupid stuff.Doctors an friends have asked me if he would go to see a doctor.Then it turns into to a fight so I learned to leave it alone.With what has happened in the last few weeks he should have been a shoulder to cry on.But he was not.So I live in my sorrow alone until I found this Web Sites.Scooter

I am going to see the nurse today about my up and down state of mind.Who knows maybe she will put me on different medicines.I also talked with a friend this weekend who said a organization has money for rent and utilities.Which is sad that the local AIDS office you end up jumping though hoops to get help.They spend more on administrative cost than on clients.That is why a lot of the old timer that used to volunteer don,t any more.I used to do work their.I am not trying to berate Katrina people but most of them ended up here and I know quite a few of them and their rent and utilities are paid monthly and the moneys that was to go to New Orleans did not help their people.That is why their was no help for the local people.I am not trying to be mean.But it,s the truth.I do crafts an have donated the profits from the sell of the different Gay type jewelry to them.When I needed help they were no where to be found.I sorry if some people mite get upset but this is my point of view plus a few other.Some have refused to deal with this OrganizationScooter

I,m starting believe I will not be going to Boston.Mark keeps saying don,t worry that's not till August.But I am prone to worrying.Doctors visit did not go as I had hoped but she said what every one has been saying all along that my grief will take time to heal then I asked what I thought was a stupid question.Why is it worst at night an she said that at night there are no distractions an the minds tends to go into overdrive.Time will heal and in Time we will see what happens.Scooter

I think it is true for most people that grief become worse at night when we have fewer distractions. I'm sorry you having such a rough time with it. Losses like that aren't something you ever get over ... just something that you eventually learn to except.

My heart goes out to you. AA

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It is not the arrival that matters. It is the journey along the way. -- Michel Montaigne

Thanks AndyArrow your right about night time.When your own boyfriend is not that supportive.I asked him if his sister with MS were to die he would go totally nuts.His reply was whump.By the way AndyArrow the bracelet is crochet string not leather wish i could use leather I love leather.I went from being a loving husband to being his house slave.He come home from work early an all day long he is on the computer watching what ever takes his fancy an when he see,s something that intrusted him Dwayne come look.But when I find something about HIV-AIDS he,s to busy watching TV are reading.It sounds one sided to me.I asked politely to wash the dishes one afternoon it start a big fight never fiscal.But some words can hurt you.One thing that afternoon was your home all day long.I thought this was suppose to be 50/50 when your couples.It,s not like I don,t help with the bills the majority of it does.It,s stuff like this that I stew over at night.We have had many roommates over the years an Mark would tell that I was no ones slave.He say,s I work so I do odd jobs when able an have SSI which is gone on the first of every month on our bills.I used to play cards to get out of the house once in a while an with his bitching about it I swear I would never ask him again an some friends do call now an then for me to play an I tell them I am broke so I don,t have to ask him.My psychiatrist ask me if he needed counseling I said it once it caused a big fight.So the things that used to perk me up are gone.An by the way the reason I have to asked him is I don,t drive.So this it is so important that I get to go in August.I used to have a Scooter and would go where I wanted an when.http://www.myspace.com/dab6801ScooterP.S. Thanks about the Pictures!

I think it is true for most people that grief become worse at night when we have fewer distractions. I'm sorry you having such a rough time with it. Losses like that aren't something you ever get over ... just something that you eventually learn to except.