Mountaineers Mascot Told To Stop Hunting With School Gun

Jonathan Kimble is making more out of his college experience than you ever did or will. The West Virginia Mountaineers mascot (who was actually required to grow a full beard for the gig) probably sweats enough pure testosterone to get Barry Bonds a positive drug test by a mere handshake. Jonathan Kimble should be an internet meme as “the most interesting mascot in the world.” Kimble was recently reprimanded by West Virginia University for misuse of school equipment.

By “misuse of school equipment,” we mean that he took the musket issued by the university for football games and killed a bear while hunting. We don’t think you are quite taking the journey with us here. Jonathan Kimble, with a school-ordered beard, killed a bear with a school-issued musket. Take away the musket and Kimble will more than likely go ahead and strangle the thing with his bare hands. We can only imagine this bloodstained tasselled buckskin wearing mascot calling the students to cheer while holding up the decapitated head of a freaking bear.

Normally, you only get one legendary story in college. You are obviously not Johnathan Kimble. In addition to being the only student in history to get a cease and desist order on misuse of a school firearm, Kimble was also the mascot featured in the West Virginia commercial for SportsCenter. When the West Virginia coach cautions Lee Corso to just let it go, we had no idea that Kimble was crazy enough to erase Corso from existence right then and there.

What is Jonathan Kimble in grad school for anyway? After he gets out, is the next step to take metrosexuals out in the woods and bring them back as bear strangling badasses. Will they one day harvest Jonathan Kimble sperm for the express purpose of creating a race of atomic supermen? Jonathan Kimble should come with some sort of warning label that touching him may lead to temporary blindness. Seek medical attention if touching Jonathan Kimble causes an erection that lasts more than four hours. They may have to get a new coonskin cap after Jonathan Kimble leaves because he ate it and crapped out a live raccoon.

You will be many things in life. You can give up on being Jonathan Kimble right now.