Monday, November 15, 2010

Many of you, loyal readers, have written, emailed and - on two occasions - driven by the housecorporate headquarters and impaled flaming arrows on the door with questions and concerns regarding this blog's yak coverage.

[Dangit - I meant to save that last one for the Ass-Clown Special Edition I'm putting together for December.]

Anyway...I'd just like to go on record and say:

I like a yak.

And the more I learn about them, the more my appreciation grows.

Let's discuss.

What's So Great About Yaks?

They are the opposite of gila monsters. Seriously, go check.

Through a fluke of selective breeding, modern-day yaks are the best spooners in the animal kingdom. No, really. Once you've spooned with a yak, you never go back.

When a yak laughs (I mean really laughs - not just a chuckle) it sounds exactly like Chewbacca.

If you accidentally enrage a yak, you can easily calm it by playing anything by Henry Mancini. (Yaks are particularly partial to the "Breakfast at Tiffany's" soundtrack.) **But for God's sakes, don't play any Tony Orlando & Dawn - or Foghat - around them. Not if you value your coffee table, that is.

A freshly laundered yak will absorb all questionable odors in your condo, kind of like a box of Arm & Hammer Baking Soda, but, well, huger and SUPER hairy.

So Here's What I'm Thinking

Many of you have suggested ways to incorporate yaks into future LJKGW posts. I'm having trouble, however, deciding which suggestion best meshes with this blog's reputation for both hard-hitting investigative journalism and heart-rending human interest coverage.

And so I'm putting it out to you, my discerning and elaborately groomed readers. Which of the following would you most like to see included in upcoming posts?

"On the Horns of Love"Relationship advice with a uniquely yak perspective.

"Woolly, Woolly World"Current events and interesting happenings in and around Mongolia.

"Yak It Forward"Philanthropic column informing readers about ways in which they can make the world a better place (for yaks).

"The Cloven Hoof"Literary supplement highlighting the best of contemporary yak short fiction.

"Bovid's List"Online marketplace where yaks and their enthusiasts can sell or trade yak accoutrements.

"Yak Shred"A unique and thrilling mash-up of yaks and their emerging presence in the world of extreme sports.

I really think you should spend more time with yaks before making such generalizations about their musical tastes. Foghat is merely a minor annoyance as yaks don't wear shoes and couldn't care less how tight they may be. Starland Vocal Band on the other hand, is right out. Try to sneak an 8-track playing afternoon delight into their corral and you will see the skyrockets….I do agree about the spooning though!

My favorite song, apropos of your post, is Billy Idol's "Yak the Cradle of Love". Though I am sure yaks across the northern hemisphere would call it unspeakably outrageous. I mean, any yak worth his leg warmers would bray about such personal things. Still, it's a catchy tune, and I think your readers would enjoy it the next time you start yakking it up.

Yaks made me laugh our loud! And today I needed it.(Aren't yaks also good on the grill? Like buffalo & venison... Just asking...)"Bless your heart", as they say here in WV, and I mean that in a REALLY NICE way, as opposed to the way in which it's usually meant. :-D

Wooott! OK my hiatus from the blogosphere is amply rewarded when I come home to a discussion of yaks. Can we discuss the health benefits? Yak milk cures everything from dropsy and gout to ADHD and dispepsia. And if you grind up the horn it makes your husband look like a 20-year-old Donny Osmond. I'm not sure if you have to eat it or feed it to him though.

I'm glad to see that someone appreciates yaks, because most people on this side of the world think all yaks do is stand around with their mall hair and leg warmers. But the truth is some yaks are forced by humans to work very hard. In fact, they are called "pack yaks." I swear I'm not making this up. So the next time someone expects you to do more than your share of the housework or whatever, you should tell the person "What do you think I am...a pack yak?"Also yaks are good at sports. Tibetan yaks like racing, while yak polo and yak skiing is catching on in Central Asia and is a tourist attraction in Northern Pakistan. This is amazing to me -- I had no idea Northern Pakistan had tourists. Gotta love Wikipedia.

They arrived from Mars in the Yak Attacks. I've been in Spain with Dali and realized that is where Dali got the inspiration for his moustache! It's a yaktache. Maybe your profile is too... is that a Yak disguise? Cool I want one. Great blog

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Anna Lefler is an award-winning writer and humorist and the author of THE CHICKTIONARY: FROM A-LINE TO Z-SNAP, THE WORDS EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW (Adams Media, November 2011). Her work has appeared online at Salon.com, McSweeney's, TheBigJewel, MyPheme, FunnyNotSlutty and HumorPress. Anna's essays on modern motherhood have been nationally syndicated and her fiction has been presented onstage by WordTheatre Los Angeles. She has performed standup comedy in Los Angeles clubs including the Hollywood Improv, the Comedy Store, Room 5 Lounge and M Bar. Anna can also be found at www.annalefler.com, where she is trying to stop referring to herself in third person.