In an attempt to be more SEO-friendly here at Kissing Suzy Kolber, we’ve been scouring the internet these past few weeks for ideas on how to drive more clicks to our site, while also leveraging social media sharing mechanisms to increase ad revenue and activate new subscribers and followers across media platforms. After extensive research, we have determined that listicles and personality quizzes are the most cost-effective way to do this, so we have decided to combine both of these ideas into a listicle of fake personality quizzes. This is projected to increase our click rate by 7.86667% and our social networking share ratio by 27.31%.

Which NFL Locker Room Distraction Are You?
Find out for sure which bullshit excuse NFL GMs will use when reconsidering your draft position or trying to free up cap space by cutting you! Find out whether it’s your sexual orientation, your recreational marijuana use, or your political activism that turned your dream of playing in the NFL into a snippy, bureaucratic, and judgmental nightmare!

Which Piece Of Ancillary Football Equipment Are You?
Do you take charge and like being at the forefront, like the laces on the pigskin, or do you take on the more supportive role of a kicking tee? From ankle braces to zebra-striped shirts, we’ll determine which completely forgettable piece of equipment you would be if you were one of those instead of being a living, breathing person with hopes, dreams and aspirations! Fun!

Which NFC North Trainwreck Is Representative Of Your Relationship With Your Valentine?
Are you like the Lions, who, despite talent at most positions, never seem to be able to get it done when it counts, or are you like the Vikings, stuck in a bad situation and just closing your eyes and wishing it would all go away? Perhaps you’re like the Bears, and just DOOOON’T CAAAARE? Take this quiz with your sweetheart and find out!

Which NFL Team Are You?
We’re going to spoil this one now and tell you that if you’re the kind of person that would put any amount of serious credence in a quiz that reduces your personality to 10 or so traits and then matches them with artificially created personality traits attributed to football teams extrapolated from their style of play, you’re probably the Cleveland Browns.

Which Meaning Of “Omaha” Are You?
Are you an audible to a reverse fly sweep, or are you a simple Wes Welker hot route? Find out just what type of Omaha you are.

Which Sports News Website Are You?
From Deadspin to Grantland to ProFootballTalk and back, find out which NFL website meshes best with your specific brand of snark, pessimism, homerism, and pop culture knowledge by answering a few questions like: Do you like Sriracha? How much can you bench? Is your weekly football column the best place to throw shade at baristas struggling on a minimum wage salary? Is poop an appropriate subject for a 20,000 word #longread?

Which KSK Kharacter Are You?
Are you well intentioned but ineffectual like The Flow, or are you an uncaring Catler? Find out for sure with this SEO-approved personality quiz that is in no way a blatant attempt to prey on peoples’ most basic need to have the image of themselves they carry in their heads reaffirmed on a regular basis. Don’t worry, you’re doing everything right. You’re definitely a fun party guy like Wolfman Rob. Never change. Now click on some of those sponsored links.

Join The Discussion

Answer questions about your favorite city, color, pet, race (white, obvs), and vegetable (Christopher Reeve, anyone?), and we’ll determine which Kommenter is truly your spirit animal!!! OMG You might be surprised just how many of you are really a dumb burner account!

1. The Disengaged From Media Distraction: my production on the field gives me notoriety, but I don’t comply with the blowhards from the papers and networks, so I bring scorn and questions about front office leadership to the organization from a bunch of old white men.

2. The Bicep Arm Band: functionally useless for the most part, but I totally make you look good.

3. The Bears: everything looks good on paper despite an aging backfield, but somehow things never live up to the hype.

4. The San Diego Chargers: a perennial underachiever but no one really minds.

5. Julius Thomas Out Route: Aim big, but still limited to getting it part way and relying on someone bigger and tougher to take it the rest of the way.

6. Football Outsiders: it sure seems important and interesting, but you’ll be damned if it makes any difference to you.

7. Chad Ochocinco: Because we could put WHALES on the MOON coach! I saw it in a cartoon documentary!

Upworthy: This sports blog columnist will make you rethink your daily routine.

I thought I knew everything about life, but then I watched this video of Drew Magary. At 40 seconds, I was nodding my head. At the two minute mark, my mouth fell open. At 3:25, I sharted and had to run for the bathroom. At 5:00, I tweeted him a picture of my underwear in front of my toilet. At 5:05, I’d made the email of the week.

Does this mean you guys are pulling a Warming Glow and replacing 90% of your content with lists? If so, tell me who the Dustin of the group will be so I can spend most of the offseason heckling his work.