July 23, 2008

He kept shaking his head, and I realized, at the very least, that he really didn't understand that he should have told me about what had gone on with Billy and him. He should have told me before I took a job with her. He should have understood that withholding such a vital piece of information was its own form of infidelity.

"I think you need to calm down, Liz," Josh said.

"And I think that you need to leave. At least for the time being." I looked him straight in the eye, pointing toward the door.

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"Liz…"

"I want you to leave, Josh. Right now."

And I stood there, meeting his eyes, until he did exactly what I said.

I knew that I did the right thing telling Josh that I needed him to leave, but that didn't make the next few days any easier. I took Jackson and Kerry upstate for the weekend to a little town in Columbia County that Susan recommended. She had a friend there who lent us his cabin, and we spent most of the weekend cooking and reading and sitting outside on the deck playing board games.

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It was nice to keep everything at bay for a little while, and to wrap my head around what I had learned. I didn't want to go into what had happened between Josh and me in too much detail with the kids — the last thing that Jackson needed was to be on the emotional roller coaster with me. So, in general terms, I explained that Josh and I were trying to figure out some things before we moved forward together officially, and while we did, he was going to be staying at the town house.

Jackson seemed to take the news in the stride, and I think a lot of this had to do with Kerry. Whatever apprehension I had initially had about letting her stay with us was disappearing by the day. More than anything else, they were good friends to each other. And I was glad that Jackson had that. Especially now, I wanted him to feel as stable as possible. Clearly, what I had learned about Josh was beyond my control. But I did want to make sure that it was as unobtrusive in Jackson's life as possible.

It helped me to get things in order for myself when, on Sunday morning, Susan drove up to spend the day with us. She and I took a walk along the river and talked for a long time. We talked about Josh and Sam and work. We went over everything that had happened in the past few months, which was helping me make sense of it: how Josh and I had gotten here, and where I needed to go next.

On her side, it seemed like things between Sam and her couldn't be better, which I was so happy to hear. Forgetting everything else, right then, selfishly, I needed to think that someone's love story could end well.

"And I know that you are going through a tough time, but I kind of hate you," Susan joked, as we headed back to the cabin. "I mean…could you be the cutest pregnant person ever? You have to be carrying a boy, is all I have to say."

I laughed. "What do you mean?"

"You have a small, perfectly shaped basketball in your stomach and nothing else, anywhere. How is that possible? From the back you can't even tell that you are pregnant."

I shook my head, laughing more. Especially recently, you could totally tell that I was pregnant. My butt was expanding daily, my face was heavy around the jaw, and the top of my thighs…well…at what point did I get to blame my meaty thighs on being pregnant as opposed to too much spaghetti?

I asked Susan.

"Right now," she said.

And I smiled. Because that was what friends did. They did their best to make you feel better, and even if Susan was more than partially full of it, I hadn't laughed in a while. And it felt really good to do it.

Susan had to leave around 6 p.m. to get back to the city to see Sam for their Sunday night ritual: Chinese takeout and a bad rental movie.

But I decided that the kids and I would stay until early the next morning. I needed to have as much breathing time as possible before dealing with Billy and everything else I would be facing in the coming days.

"I actually think I'm having a girl," I said, walking her to her car at the end of the day. "I don't even know why."

"Well…you're wrong about that…" She sighed. "But we can all dream."

I carried my good day with Susan into the workweek, for sure.

I was almost able to walk into work on Monday as if I hadn't just found out that my fiancé and my boss had been in an intimate relationship while I was pregnant with his child.

Almost.

Not an easy thing to master.

It helped that Josh seemingly had the good sense to not say anything to Billy about how I knew about the two of them, or about what was going on with us. Either that or, at the very least, Billy was being a master actress and not treating me even one ounce differently.

Until this morning.

We had our staff meeting at 11 a.m., and just as I was standing up to talk about the set necessities for next week's production, Josh walked in.

I managed to get through the presentation professionally, but when we went into my office after the meeting, it was all I could do not to go through the roof.

"Thank you," I said, "for the space."

He shut the door behind himself.

"Please open the door," I said.

He ignored me. "Billy asked me to come in for this. I'm sorry to just show up. But we have things to go over. I tried to call and warn you, but your phone is off."

He gave a sweet look — full of concern and caring — a look that would have gotten to me if I weren't so irritated.

"How are you feeling?" he asked. "Can you at least tell me that? Are you feeling okay?"

I took a deep breath and turned on my computer. I could hold it together all I wanted, but there was no denying it. In a few months, I was going to have a baby. With this man. And I couldn't even stand the sight of him.

"Liz? Are you feeling okay?"

I readied myself to finish my work for the day.

"I would be feeling a whole lot better, Josh, if you'd leave my office, and close the door behind you."