You’re Not Doing it Right! Better Ways to Address Problematic Sex

Men talk to men about what they want to do to women. And women talk to women about what we want men to do to us. So why do we find the communication about sex between the sexes so difficult?

Ladies, men aren’t quiet when they aren’t satisfied, and for some reason, it’s understood that men must be satisfied. But when it comes to women enjoying sex, we’re stuck back in the Dark Ages. I’m not a baby-making machine or an outlet for some guy’s sexual frustration. I’m an active and willing participant in intercourse, and as such, I expect to find the same satisfaction as a man.

The Problem

The problem is that society still holds a skewed perspective on sex. Sex is intercourse. Sex doesn’t involve foreplay. Sex is defined by a man and a woman entering into intercourse until said man ejaculates. But where is the feminine factor? How can we, as women, address this issue? Before we can take on the world and its view, we have to be able to take on our partners.

Opening Communication

If you’re expecting your sexual partner to read your mind, you’ve lost it. You have to speak up. Eventually, you have to get to the point of expressing yourself in a conversation, but you can open the door to ending problematic sex by offering feedback while you’re getting busy.

That’s right, ladies, be a talker. When something feels good, let him know, and demand more of it. If you don’t like it, suggest something else. One caveat to this – save criticism for another time because if you start with ‘you’re not doing it right’ while you’re making the magic happen, chances are his ‘spell’ is going to fizzle out and die. Be positive, but be direct. And pretty soon, you’ll know he’s paying attention because he’ll get so wrapped up in doing the things that get you hot and bothered, he’ll be in better control of holding back his own orgasm.

Outside the Bedroom

If you really want to get through to him, you can’t be shy about it. When I find myself frustrated because sex is, on a regular basis, leaving me unsatisfied despite my best efforts, I cook a meal, sit my partner down, and let him know. I don’t get harsh and judgmental, but I’m also not timid. If he had a problem with me, he wouldn’t tread lightly to save my feelings, so why should I be overly sensitive toward his?

That’s not to say it’s okay to be hurtful. But come on – if you haven’t come the last three or four times, you’ve got to let him know what’s going on. Is he missing erogenous zones? Focusing too much on the home run and forgetting the warm-up swings? Distracted to the point of making you feel like you’re not even there? Whatever it is, you have to tell him, or you’ll never find your happiness.

Part of the Solution

At the same time, you can’t just present your partner with a problem and not offer some kind of resolution. That’s like handing a complex algebra problem to a kindergartner. Now that you’ve addressed the problematic sex, it’s time to suggest ways to conquer the problem and find that ultimate glory of good sex for both of you.

It’s really not that hard to address. I know what I like. I know what gets me excited and what makes my body respond. If my partner is missing that, all I have to do is tell him, “You should try this.” You don’t even have to give context as to how you know you like it. Let their imaginations run because it’s likely a more pleasant fantasy than the reality of the situation.

The (Long and) Short of It

And if it’s strictly that it’s over too soon, or that there’s not enough foreplay, don’t be shy about expressing that a ‘quickie’ isn’t doing it for you. The truth is, when it comes to actual intercourse, couples on average seem to spend an average of about 4-5 minutes (according to multiple surveys that ask only about the time from the start of intercourse to male ejaculation). There’s no precedent for foreplay because it’s so widely varied. But you and your partner should make sure you understand each other when it comes to what you need.

And most women, like me, need an appetizer before we get to the main course. Otherwise, we’re frustrated because we feel like even the dessert is lacking something. If you aren’t getting what you need, speak up. You’d be surprised how receptive your partner can be if you handle the conversation the right way.

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