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LONG BLOG

Animal simulators are a pretty rare genre to come across. The first that comes to my mind is Mister Mosquito: a game that simulated flying around as a mosquito and drinking the blood of humans.

All that sexy blood!

A few more I can think of are "Dog's Life," also for the PS2, "Shelter," a relatively new game for PC, and to some extent, the 'Ecco the Dolphin" series and "The Amazing Frog?".

For me, this isn't nearly enough. Here are 5 animal simulators we need right nyaow!

1. Lobster Simulator

So what do lobsters do all day? I don't fucking know! Let's discover it together through the magic of video games!

My guess is that they eat fish poop and little slimy things at the bottom of the ocean, which sounds fun... kinda.

At least you'll get to play as an armored badass of the sea! You'll also taste good dipped in butter!

2. Flea Simulator

Mosquitos have already been done, so we should follow that up with the next logical step: fleas! They're super fast, and can get high as fuck! (jump high)

Also, they're twice the assholes that mosquitos are. Mosquitos try to make sure you don't feel them suck your blood, but fleas? They don't give a fuck! They shank you with their little hateful dagger mouths and drink the warm red nectar that flows out!

Assholes!

3. Male Angler Fish Simulator

Male angler fish have it rough when it comes to romance. They spend their entire lives following female angler fish pheromones and end up getting dissolved into the female until they're nothing but a ball sack! Eugh!

Wait. Why am I erect right now?...

4. Drop Bear Simulator

This one is definitely one of my favorites! The drop bear is a close relative of the common Australian koala bear, with one major difference: Drop bears have adapted to feast on human flesh!

I can already imagine the game! Timing would be everything. You creep quietly along the branches, then, when an unsuspecting human walks under you, you DROP and tear him to ribbons in front of his horrified family!

Yes! So satisfying!

5. Reggie Fils-Aime Simulator

For those who don't know, Reggie Fils-Aime is the president of Nintendo of America... or so they say. That's actually all just a cover.

Reggie Fils-Aime is actually a big meaty creature that's a close relative of your average American sasquatch. While in America, Shigeru Miyamoto found his home and tamed him by playing Legend of Zelda songs on an ocarina.

Since then, Reggie has acted as the face of Nintendo of America. In return he gets fed 10 pounds of meat at least 5 times a day. If they fail to feed him he goes feral.

Anyway, being Reggie would be awesome! I imagine it would mainly consist of bossing people around and eating meat out of wheelbarrows.

Killer app for the Wii U for sure!

Final Note:

If only the animal simulation genre would grow in popularity. We'd have great titles just like these and more! See what we're missing? It's such a shame!