(Closed) Please help me, I dont know what to do , FMIL interfering

OK, my problem is I hate my Future In-Laws. I practically hate them especially his mom. We started dating almost 8 years ago. And from the first day of our relationship she was a problem. I have a persian background and families play a major role in relationships. so even when we were dating, she used to call and talking with my FH for hours and hours in front of me and telling him that he should be home before his dad(like he is a baby). After our graduation (we are both dentists) we had plan to get married, worked for a while and with the money we earned come to Canada or US to continue our study but because she thought she will loose her power she didn’t let us work and marry. So I came to Canada and started my study, after a while we broke up (basically because of her Interfering) I was in Canada and he was in country back home so it was very difficult to work on but again after few months, he started emailing me and calling me and he convinced me to get back together and told to go back to our home country to get engaged and his mom is really sorry for what she did. Because I was a student and it was difficult to make a long trip i went back there for just 2 weeks of charismas break (2010) so I went back there and she started having excuses that she doesn’t have time to do proposal (based on our tradition, the boy family should do the proposal) and after a week and half she made him not to respond my calls even, he didn’t even broke up with me. I came back to Canada after two weeks. I was crying all day and night. It was the worst days of my life. I didn’t have any family support or even any close friend. I am still not sure how I could pass those days. I used to wake up during night and cry. After a year he again started to call me, he moved to New york and he used to drive to Toronto every weekend to see me and I didn’t even see him for once but after three months, he started talking with my family to ask them to convince me to talk with them so I sat and talk with him and told him about every thing and how his mom ruined our relationship and he agreed with me and he promised he wont let them especially her to interfere any more. We had a very good relationship and we got engage last summer. BUT she didn’t stop interfering in our life. When we decided to go shopping for my dress for engagement party, she followed us to the store and pretended she saw us by accident and then she followed us everywhere we went till we shopped the dress. She planned everything even before we got engaged so I didn’t have any say in our engagement party because she was paying (basically the father in law because she is not even working). The same thing happened with the wedding dress, I really wanted to do dress shopping with my FH but she didn’t let us and made a big fight with him and then made me to buy a dress I really don’t like. Same thing happened with the wedding planning. Yesterday she told me to come to make the decision and when I went there I found that she already chose everything I am there just to agree with them!!!, We picked purple as our second color and I am sitting there seeing that there is no evidence of purple and when I ask to add some purple to some parts she just said you are killing me with your purple stuff. Centerpieces are already ordered and no evidence of purple. He was fighting with her all this time and I am really tired of fighting. SHE DOESN’T UNDERSTAND.

I am really mad and the worst part is that he made my FH to get acceptance for his younger brother’s girl friend in NY. She was living with them for a year. They are getting engaged a day after our wedding the girl friend picked everything her self; dress, place and everything.

Last month I went to NY to see my FH and his brother’s girl friend was so mean to me and his mom just supported her rude behavior.

I AM TIRED, we are getting married in two weeks and I cannot do this. I HATE HIS FAMILY. HATE HIS MOM. SHE THINKS SHE HAS POWER OVER EVERYTHING. I am fighting with FH every day, he is fighting with his family every day and I am so depressed. I don’t want to do this. I really love him there is no one in the world that I can love even close to him.

It’s seems as though she really wants to be involved! I would try to humor her, and let her particpate in conversations if you can, BUT at the end of this it’s your wedding with your fiance, not hers! I really hope that you get the wedding that YOU want. My mother tried pushing herself in my plans, but I eventually got her to back off. Can your Fiance talk to her? It’s his mother after all, he should know how to talk to her. If he’s a momma’s boy, then it might be harder!

I am sorry your FH’s mother is such a controlling witch. She doesn’t like you at all. When she forced your Fiance to go cold and abandon you, she probably thought she had won. However, your Fiance stood up to her and decided to persue and marry the woman he loves (that’s you!). Can you imagine anything that would make a controlling witch angrier? As time goes on, your connection with your FH is going to grow (as you are married and build a life/family together) and I bet she is angry and terrified that someone she doesn’t like is going to be at the center of her son’s heart.

You have three choicess:

1. Grin and bear it as graciously as possible and establish clear boundaries once you are married.

2. Call it off and elope.

3. Call it off and run away because you hate his family and don’t want to spend your life around them.

Wow what a headache, I think you should really sit down and figure out if you could really put up with his mother for the rest of your life. She seems like the ultimate monster-in-law. I think you and FH waited way to long to try to get the reins back on your wedding and life. You should really sit down with your FH and tell him how you feel, going on the way you have is unhealthy and you have to be physically, mentally and emotionally drained. You have all these problems before the marriage, you will most likely have them after the marriage. Hope I could shed some light.

@FreckledFox:she always starts a fight when he wants to talk with her, so he wont be able to say anything. He knows that her mom is wrong but no one can stop her and I am really tired of her behaviour.

@LoveBugBee: I like to choose the first one, but the problem she doesnt understand the boundries, even when we started planning the wedding, my FH told her that she should let us make the decisions but she didnt let us to do anything.

@stuckinwonderland: Yes she is living far. we dont have any issues when she is not around. But the problem is although my FH doesnt like it, she calls him every day and talks for hours!

@ThinkAboutYou09: That is exactly what I am scared of. I am sure I wont have a wedding I love but at least I like to have a life that I like.

@HJbadoom1: It might be time for your Fiance to grow a set. No one can talk to you for hours on the phone unless you also stay on the phone and talk for hours. She is not sitting next to him on the sofa. She is on the phone from another country “Sorry, mom,I have to go now,” and hang up.

It’s a bit late now to be making changes to the wedding. If you cancel now and elope, I am sure she would be furious and potentially embarssed in her culture.

You can make a conscious choice from now on, to not let her push your buttons or make decisions for you. You will be a couple, a new family, and need to start establishing some boundaries.

I do not understand why, culture or not ,WHY you are allowing this woman to rule your life. I especially do not understand how your FH can allow his Mother to treat his future wife this way. I would be issuing an ultimatum BEFORE the ceremony takes place – either her or you. He should specify a day when he has time to talk to her – otherwise, he will be unavailable for conversations. I agree with PPs that boundaries MUST be set – or be prepared for this woman to make your life miserable for many years to come.

@trueblue14: To be honest, I dont understand why she thinks she has the right to behave like this. The thing is I dont know what to do now, I am sure it doesnt help talking to her, She is so arrogant that she thinks she is always right. How can I set the boundries? I need her out of my life,

@HJbadoom1: If your fiance didn’t like it, he woudln’t pick up the phone when she calls. He needs to establish boundaries with his family. Just because she calls doesn’t mean he’s obligated to talk to her. He can tell her he’s busy or that he will call her at a more convenient time. He can tell her “Mom, I will not talk to you if you’re going to talk poorly about HJ” or “That kind of attitude toward my fiance won’t be tolerated”.

He can nip a lot of this in the bud by getting on the same page with you. I know some will claim that it’s “cultural” to respect your elders. Well, it’s that way everywhere. You should respect your parents (in most cases) and he definitely should, but relationships are two way streets and while he should respect them, they should respect his lifestyle choices. But he needs to also teach them that there are new “rules” in their relationship as he’s startng a family of his own.

She may not ever be completely out of your life, but how your fiance handles this will directly impact you and can make your life tremendously easier. I don’t get along with my Mother-In-Law, but my husband always takes my side, so it doesn’t really matter if we get along or not. We’re cordial to each other and if she steps over a line (she’s not evil, she’s just very nosey and I’m very private) my husband will gently remind her that shes’ being inappropriate. No one gets upset or angry. We just move on.