It's a well established fact that Dr. Pepper is the greatest soft drink in the known universe. Maybe even the best drink EVER. But have you ever seen a Dr. Pepper machine? I've heard they exist, but they're not nearly as common as, say, a Pepsi or Coca Cola machine. This is the point where I introduce another well established fact: Dr. Pepper has some kind of deal with both Pepsi and Coca Cola to sell Dr. Pepper in their machines.

And here's where my observation is made. How is it that, even in a Pepsi/Coca Cola machine, the first thing to sell out is the Dr. Pepper? This is not some random occurrence, it is a consistent and verifiable fact. Under no circumstances does Pepsi sell out before Dr. Pepper. And it's not because Pepsi has more units in the machine. Oh no, I've seen cases where Dr. Pepper accounted for twice the units of Pepsi, and the Dr. Pepper would still sell out first.

This is a problem. I love Dr. Pepper. I absolutely despise Pepsi and, to a lesser extent, Coca Cola.The Dr. Pepper needs to stop selling out. And that means that you, yes you, dear reader, need to lay the fuck off, so I can get my fix. Comply or die, comrades.