Lloyd Garver: Sex news

Thursday

Oct 30, 2008 at 12:01 AMOct 30, 2008 at 5:51 AM

Obviously, most of what you've been reading, hearing and seeing in the media lately has been about politics. But that doesn't mean that nothing new has been going on in the world of sex. All the pesky presidential press has just buried the sex news. So in case you've missed these developments in the area that can get just as hot as a debate about banking regulations, I'm here to fill you in.

Lloyd Garver

Obviously, most of what you've been reading, hearing and seeing in the media lately has been about politics. But that doesn't mean that nothing new has been going on in the world of sex. All the pesky presidential press has just buried the sex news. So in case you've missed these developments in the area that can get just as hot as a debate about banking regulations, I'm here to fill you in.

Perhaps making the biggest waves in bedroom science is a recent study that discloses that women have definitely made some progress towards sexual equality, at least in one area. The area is infidelity. Yes, in this dubious race for equality, the number of women committing adultery is catching up to the number of men. So not only are some women breaking through the proverbial glass ceiling, but I guess they are also breaking through the motel's cottage cheese-plaster ceiling with the water stains on it.

Of course, some wives aren't the only ones fooling around. According to studies reported in the New York Times and elsewhere, infidelity in general has been on the increase. I wonder if cheating is going to continue to go up in this bad economy. Affairs are not for cheapskates, so fewer and fewer people will be able to afford a double life. But maybe all the tension people feel because of money problems will push them away from their marriages, regardless of the cost. Or the opposite could happen. Sometimes in times of trouble, stress can bring a couple closer together. For years, there has been a theory that when women's hemlines drop, so does the stock market. Only time and future studies will tell how the stock market will be affected by underwear dropping on a motel room floor.

Marriage experts often point to poor communication as a cause for infidelity. There is a new invention that's supposed to help with this. It's called the SweetieDo. It's a "silent whistle," much like a dog whistle. I'm not kidding. The theory, supported by something called the NeuroImage Journal, is that it's a lot of work for a man to understand what a woman is saying, because the man first interprets the female voice as music. I wonder what music the researchers feel men are hearing instead of their wives' voices? The theme song for ESPN'S "SportsCenter"?

Anyway, they say that it's often difficult for men to understand what women are saying, because a woman's voice contains complex frequencies, like music. So it's hard for a woman to get a man's attention.

As much as I'd love to use this as a rationalization, I'm not buying – either the theory or the device. If a wife has to blow a whistle to get her husband's attention, the problem's the guy, not the wife. The music that will probably be playing in that marriage is "Taps."

In another ring in the circus of sex, there will soon be a musical, actually a "rock opera," about "Deep Throat's" Linda Lovelace. For those too young to remember, Ms. Lovelace starred in the most famous porn movie in history in which she, well, you know the title. Those involved in the new musical production say they aren't interested in the salacious aspects of the late actress' life. Instead, they see her as a tragic, exploited figure. They maintain, "This isn't about a porn movie. This is the story of a woman's life."

All of that may be true, and I'm sure this could be handled in a way to make it a play that's not about sex. I'm just not sure I'll be able to sit in the theater while the play about Linda Lovelace is going on without thinking about how she became famous. It would be like going to a musical about Sarah Palin without having a song about mooseburgers. However, I just noticed that there are 43 songs in the Linda Lovelace play. Maybe they'll have to call it "Sore Throat."

In a strange event, Alaska Sen. Ted Stevens was scandalized recently when he was found guilty of seven felonies. What's so strange about it is that none of the felonies has to do with sex. What kind of senator has a scandal without sex?

Finally, it was announced that it's Viagra's 10th anniversary. I don't remember any other medication having an anniversary or birthday, do you? And what do they expect us to do because of it? Are we supposed to buy Viagra a present? I have no idea what to get a blue pill that has revolutionized sex for many people. Although I guess I do know how we're supposed to celebrate.

Lloyd can be reached at lloydgarver@gmail.com. Check out Lloyd's new Bob Newhart video, "The Challenge" at YouTube or at Striketv.