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Tuesday, September 16, 2014

But Am I Really a Masochist?

A recent email conversation with someone the other day made realize that maybe I haven't spent much time discussing my thoughts on the use of pain in our dynamic or exactly how I feel about it.

She, in fact, thought of me as a hard core spanko. Now, I can take my fair share of spankings, but I mainly attribute that to a certain amount of conditioning since they are frequently used in our dynamic. Not that it stops Him, but I really despise any type of pain inflicted on my tits and other girly bits.

But her comment has made me really think about what I am or am not...and I am pretty confused.

The definition of a masochist is someone that derives pleasure from
feeling pain and I've read about plenty of writings in which the writer is trying to find understanding in WHY they find enjoyment in receiving pain. It seems the prevailing opinion is not
to worry about the "why"...just go with the flow and accept it for what it
is.

The problem is...I can't even say that I like pain. Heron tells me there is some aspect there that I like since my body responds favorably.

But am I really a masochist?

I can tolerate all types of pain...hell, I had both my children naturally without the
epidurals or any other medication. But I don't LIKE pain and before D/s I would have considered myself anything but a masochist.

When I really think about it, there are aspects of receiving the pain that I like, but I don't believe it's the pain itself.

To be honest, I am a bit of an attention whore so obviously I love being the center of His attention. Could it be like the old saying...any attention is better than no attention?

I do love and crave the intensity between us that it creates. It doesn't take much before my head is clear and my stress is gone, and once He has pushed me to a certain point, it's like the dam breaks and everything walled up inside comes pouring out in my tears. In those vulnerable moments, the connection and intimacy is undeniable.

Admittedly, His desire to inflict pain runs much deeper than my desire to receive it but I feel a part of myself is complete knowing that I am finally fulfilling a need in Him, a sadistic side that He had buried for a long time because of me.

And the rare occasions, when He
intermixes pain with pleasure does create for an amazingly intense experience!

I am not including punishment in this discussion because that has a whole different end result and I find it in no way enjoyable.

But does all of this truly make me a masochist?

That's what I've been trying to sort out. If not, then why does my body react the way it does? Why does it literally get my juices flowing? Why do I have amazingly intense orgasms afterwards?

Maybe I am just failing to understand the complexities of masochism.

I read something recently to the effect of you don't have to enjoy pain to be a masochist, you only have to crave it. Well I do sometimes crave it, but it's typically a short lived feeling. Because as soon as He
starts, I am usually wishing it would stop. I don't do well with intense or prolonged pain and I don't experience sub-space,,,I am consciously aware of everything going on and I feel every bit of it. There are no floaty feelings for me.

So, am I really craving the pain or is it the connection?

Have I just been conditioned to receive the pain?

A lot of questions...I know.

The only thing I can figure is that I submit to the pain, just like anything else that I have given up control over in our relationship and my body's response to it has more to do with my feelings of submission and His exertion of power over me, not the pain itself.

Maybe I'm talking myself in circles here. I would love to hear your thoughts or experiences.

12 comments:

What a great post. I'm always asking myself this question. I crave it. There are certain inflections I can't get enough of, when my mindset is the right spot. I think it's also the connection it brings. That connection gives me a sense of fulfillment.

I have this question swirling around in my head, most of the time I ignore it. I don't like pain. I suffer with chronic pain, so I could simply say it is the mind numbing endorphins I crave, not the pain. But in order to reach that, I have to experience pain and it doesn't happen every time, So perhaps it's more about feeling that connection to him.What I really want to ignore is more complicated. I get turned on by it, then he gets aroused. Or. Is it the other way, I'm turned on by him getting aroused by me being in pain, or is it both.... This is where I stop thinking and just go with it, because .... I hate pain, don't I?Great post and I don't think the answer is ever straightforward for anyone.

I hate that you suffer chronic pain DF. That just stinks. I think you are on to something too. Is it us getting aroused first or is it knowing that they are getting aroused? Goof point! And I think you are right...there is no straightforward answer. Glad you liked the post.xo

Its a difficult one, i have struggled on and off with my masochism for years, but im more comfortable with it now, i find the the more painful it is the more i get turned on...but yet i dont always enjoy it at the time, but my pussy betrays me and im always left soaking wet.

I think for me what i struggle with is the idea that its wrong, that i shouldnt be getting so turned on by being hurt, but yet i do.

I struggle with the idea that it is wrong too. That is actually the root of all my struggles with it. It's wrong to want to be slapped. It's wrong to want to be belted. It's wrong to have Him talk to me like I'm worthless. It's wrong to crave that my body be put through torture, and that when He does I'm often left thinking that wasn't torture enough (though in the moment it is). Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

But, I'm really trying to refocus that train of thought on how right it is to find someone who understands my needs and gives me an unlimited playground with no boundaries. How right it is that my respect is of the utmost importance. How right it is that I've found a healthy release that often leaves my mind, body, & soul connecting. It's all right! In every aspect.

Thank you for your insight Tori. I feel like I am the opposite in that the more it hurts, the less I am turned on. Well at least the conscious part of me isn't. But I am always soaking wet too so some part of me is turned on I guess. I certainly understand the conflicting idea and emotions about it being "wrong" but I haven't even hit that hurdle yet because I can't even seem to answer the simpler question of does it turn me on. Guess I have a ways to go with accepting it or I can just say..."F*** It" and not worry about questioning any of it at all...LOL

I don't crave it often either Misty. It's more when I haven't had any release and it's like I need some stimulation whatever kind it is doesn't matter. When I am sated...I don't crave the pain at all. And yes..there are certain kinds of pain I don't want or crave at all.

This is a really interesting post. I have often pondered the same thing. I don't actually enjoy pain while it's happening, but them again, sometimes I don't want it to stop. And a part of me must like it, as my body responds to his treatment! Still no answers though, only more questions. But as time goes by I see less need to label myself, maybe one day I won't even care :-)

Thank you for your comment River Wild. I am with you...don't enjoy it much at the time. I sometimes look back later and think...wow that was hot. But ultimately, you are right though. Labels really, in the finer scheme of things, don't matter. It is what it is.xo

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An educated professional in my 40's, I am happily owned and collared 24/7 by the love of my life.
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