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This is one of those things that we hesitated to write about. One, the idea of a circle jerk has never really floated our boat, but we’re well aware that somewhere out there, thousands of fourteen year-old boys are sitting around a glazed donut and seeing who can hold theirs the longest.

And there in lies the problem.

While meat beating has always been a one-man sport in our opinion, we’re well aware that others like to do certain things in tandem… like choke the chicken.

The more the fucking merrier!

It just takes one of these horny fellows to say "Do you think we should order a pizza and pop in a movie?" And bam! You have a circle full of flippable guys.

But it doesn’t take a fucking rocket scientist to realize that any self respecting straight man (or adolescent) would find beating off in a circle of other guys to be somewhat strange.

I’ll show you mine if you show me yours!

Why? It’s a no fucking brainer. A circle jerk is an orgy’s younger brother. It’s putting half a dozen handfuls of testosterone in one closed confined space. The act itself is a gay act. Men with men… it doesn’t take a #DTB bro to figure that shit out.

So let’s ask ourselves the age old question… whose idea was the jizz pie party? We’re not ready to give everyone else in the circle a bye… or should we say bi… but we’re pointing the longest finger at the guy who rounded everyone up, popped #High School Musical questionable porn into the VCR and told his buddies to drop trou and let it all hang out.

He’s the one we’re ready to #flip. He’s also the one who probably has a nice, silky #tan and a thin layer of base.

And while his buddies who agreed to come over are equally as likely to let you #kiss the tip, the fact of the matter is, in five years, it’s the ring leader who’s likely to be taking stiff ones on one side of a glory hole.

There is the rare occasion that a truly straight bro will let his curiousity get the the better of him. Maybe he wants to see other’s technique. Maybe he wants to make sure he’s on the larger end of the spectrum. Whatever the reason, he’ll contemplate sending out his planeteer signal.

And then he’ll rethink it! He’ll realize that beating off in a room full of other boys beating off is one of the gayest things you can do short of having gay sex and watching #Grey’s Anatomy on a Thursday night with a bottle full of Pinot Grigio and a box full of tears.

We bet #Tom Cruise was the ring leader of his circle jerks. Just saying.

So what do you do when you’re invited to one of these events? It’s quite simple actually. Remember who it was that invited you and offer to stick around to help him clean up. Trust us, he’ll catch your drift.

And please don’t get us started on the idea of the slowest wacker having to eat the entire pie… we’re disgusted enough at the thought (no one, I repeat NO ONE, likes cold jizz on cold cheese).

Instead, we’ll leave you with this short hand. Straight boys who circle jerk grow up to be straight men who have all male beer orgies and tell themselves theirs absolutely nothing wrong with that. We, however, know better.

We know, we know. This should be a no-fucking-brainer. But folks, when it comes to straight men, there are no no-brainers. Everything should be taken straight to the scalp.

"I ordered it by mistake. You mean this isn't a Bud Light Lime?"

So why are we bringing this up? Because if we had a dollar for every time we’ve seen a straight bro drinking a cosmo-fucking-politan martini at 3 dollar You-Call-It night, we’d be drinking our cosmos out of a glass carved from Kim Kardashian’s wedding ring.

The rule is simple. Straight men drink beer and dark liquor, preferably something that’s been aged in a cask or some such shit. They stray away from vodka, and generally anything that could be described as a cocktail. Why? Because straight men don’t like anything with the name cock in it getting close to their mouths. Straight men are simple like that.

We’re here to tell you that cosmos are a str8 boi’s and a gay man’s elixir. They’re refreshing, tasty, and they make you look classy as shit. Straight men don’t strive to look classy like the rest of us. Give that man a Manhattan or a Bud ‘Bro Light and call it a fucking day.

So what do you do when you see a straight bro ordering from the martini menu at a bar? You keep a close eye on him all night. He’s probably used to getting made fun of by his bros, so he claims that drinking hard liquor fucks him up enough to hit on girls that are out of his league. But you, sir, know better than his bros. You know that he has a #Zac Efron poster in his closet (Duh, where else?) is probably Tivo-ing #Grey’s Anatomy if it’s a Thursday night.

This straight bro is not only #down to bend, but he’ll probably let you feel him up right there on the dance floor if it’s crowded enough. So don’t lose sight of him, but don’t pounce too early. If his bros are still around, you have no chance. You may as well chase him back into the closet faster than you can order a lemon drop martini. Take it slow, wait for your favorite #Ke$ha song to come on, and then follow him on to the floor. The rest is what we call a no-brainer.

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