My Ex is Working on His or Her Visitation Day instead of Spending it With Our Kids

Many times I have clients come into my office with concerns over the lack of actual time their ex spends with the children during their scheduled time. Take, for example, a case where a Father has the children every other weekend and has a job that requires him to work from 9-5 most Saturdays. The children are often at home with a babysitter during the day when the Father is working. The Mother would like the children to be with her on these Saturdays. This situation brings up an interesting dynamic. Is spending some Saturdays with a babysitter instead of spending the time with their Mother in the children’s best interests? Would taking the time away from the Father and giving to the Mother be penalizing the Father for his chosen career as he tries to provide for his children and family?

Like many questions in family law, the answer is not simple. Courts value children’s time with the non-custodial parent as a result of the fact that the he or she is not with the children the majority of the time. Consequently, the Mother’s burden is high in this example to convince a judge that the children should be with her rather than at the Father’s house while he is at work.

What if the Father has the ability to come home for an hour at lunch time to spend with the children? That is a prime example of how a parent’s visitation time with his or her children is HIS or HER time. Leaving the children with a babysitter may not be an ideal scenario but the Father has a right to have the children at his house while he is at work. Something as simple as knowing that the children are at his house awaiting his return is tremendously comforting.

Of course, the best course of action in this scenario is for the parents to have an honest, productive discussion about the children’s best interests and if they decide that the children should be with the Mother on Saturdays then the Father should be given one of the Mother’s custodial days. Things don’t always work out so easily, however, and it is important to stress that everything is about the children in cases like this. A parent being upset that the other parent is not spending 100% of his or her visitation time with the children is not what the case is about, is not what the Court is going to be concerned about, and should not be the driving factor for litigation.

3 Comments

Chris
on February 8, 2014 at 2:49 pm

You bring up an excellent point here – the children should always come first. Even though the father has to work on his visitation days doesn’t mean that he can’t spend quality time with the children after work.

It’s important that children keep a strong connection with both parents in situations where the parents are no longer living together. Unfortunately, in some cases, the parents are so angry with one another that they end up using the children as a tool to get back at each other. I don’t think it’s their intention to hurt the children, but that’s exactly what happens.

I’m not an attorney but it’s my guess that judges would rather see parents come to an amicable solution between themselves rather constantly going to court. If they can work things out in a friendly manner, it’s better for them and ultimately, better for the children.

A Sad Mother’s Day – Children That Reject You
by Joseph Goldberg, Consultant
.
Anyone fighting over child custody, visitation
rights or, decision making as a non-custodial
parent should listen closely, because there are
not a lot of professionals that give advise to
lawyers in quite the way that I do.
.
In high conflict divorce and separation cases,
if a parent makes a false allegation of abuse
or destabilizes a child’s trust in the other
parent or exposes the child to adult information
or badmouths the other parent to the child or
interferes with visitation or blocks a child from
telephone access or uses a sibling to interfere
with the other parents authority, then this parent
is programming the child with parental alienation.
.
If you haven’t heard about parental alienation,
you have a lot to learn. I would recommend
you google: parental alienation education.
For others that know about it and continue to
litigate and re-litigate this issue without
success, let me explain why things aren’t get-
ting better.
.
Spoiler Alert
This is going to sound self-serving but it
doesn’t make it any less true.
.
# 1 reason why things are not getting better:
You depend on a lawyer that’s not getting any
input from an expert in parental alienation, or
the situation is worse you’re acting pro per. I
want you to know there’s a far better solution
but it requires making a crucial decision.
.
A. decision to hire a consultant.
.
When you hire a consultant, they can tell you,
“what is parental alienation” and “ what isn’t
parental alienation. “ Unless you don’t really
care, and if you don’t care, you’re only hold-
ing yourself back. Is that fair to you ?
.
Judges are not interested in two parents that
are totally at opposite ends in their parenting
style and polarized. That won’t help any
parent-child relational problem. Judges in this
scenario will tune you out and look to appoint
some type of professional to give them guid-
ance i.e., a lawyer for the child, a mediator, a
parenting co -ordinator, a child therapist, a
custody evaluator, a supervisor of visitation, a
family therapist or a judge could decide to
empower a child to choose whether or not to
see or communicate with a parent they reject.
.
Many parents cannot afford a lawyer because
they believe that it will cost more than they can
afford. Sadly that is not always true because
they may have money but they’re just not sure
how far that money can go. You need a
consultant to answer that concern.. In this
situation a parent can hire a consultant to select
a lawyer to work with them in an unbundled
legal services agreement.
.
When this happens two things start to change.
The first thing to change is that you now have a
lawyer and the other thing to change is that you
now have the best lawyer you could ever hope
to find. Why ? Because your consultant gives
the lawyer the input he or she needs to win
your case. I’ve been involved in many cases of
David versus Goliath, and I’ve seen the lawyer
with the $1,000. hourly rate lose. Money doesn’t
win in court, the better argument does.
.
A competent lawyer becomes a very good law-
yer because of the input he or she receives
from the consultant. Stop looking for parental
alienation lawyers and focus on finding a
consultant available to help.
.
By the way, I define a win as an intervention
that restores and repairs the bond between the
alienated child and the rejected parent. A win
is not defined by getting sole custody or get –
ting 50/50 time sharing.
.
Still wondering why you need a consultant ?
Lawyers are not going to admit their short-
comings because if they did you would be look-
ing for a better lawyer. So they won’t admit
that in your particular case they haven’t got a
clue where to begin.
.
A lawyer will not spend the time or bill you for
the time it takes to identify the cause of the
ruptured relationships within your family. There
are only two ways to get to that answer; a full
psychological evaluation of all the members of
the family, or hire a consultant with an expertise
in parental child relational problems. The later is
less costly, and provides voluminous additional
help.
.
Did your lawyer screw the pooch in selecting a
mental health professional to begin counseling
for your child and or for your family ? Did your
lawyer come to some backdoor agreement with
the opposing counsel to select a mental health
professional without you knowing who they are
or even why they were agreed to ?
Are you stuck in a situation where a mental
health professional is actually making things
worse,not better ?
.
If that sounds like your situation then of course
you need to hire a consultant, because if you
don’t, things will change again, your parent-
child relationship is going to get much worse
and that is not even the worst part, the worst
part is that your child won’t be getting the treat-
ment they need for themselves. Can you turn
your back on your child, and give up knowing
that ?
.
Please call a consultant before you do.
.
Cases often have mental health professionals
with the best of intentions practicing outside
their areas of expertise, it’s unethical, it’s un-
professional, but getting them to step aside so
a competent practitioner can take their place is
not going to happen without the help of a
consultant.
.
Trust me when I say that if this is your reality
today, you’re in the quicksand and I’m the one
trying to throw you the rope.
.
Many times a parent will ask me during a
consultation if I will talk to their lawyer before
they hire me and I say no. Lawyers do not
understand what I do, and cannot recommend
someone that provides a service they’re not
that familiar with and why should they ?
I will tell you this much, after I have read the
case files I do talk to their lawyers and as soon
as they hear my strategy in the case they’re
grateful for my involvement.
.
That is why your case depends on you. Nobody
can tell you if its smart to hire a consultant but
you.
.
I also know when a parent calls for a consult-
tion just to get a little free advice. Often times
a parent pretends to be a parent of an alien-
ated child and they aren’t, they just want a few
tips or an advantage over the other parent,
some have been accused of alienation and want
to know what to expect.
.
It’s not that different when a lawyer tells an
alienating parent they can’t help them to seize
custody unless they can get some proof that the
other parent is a really bad parent or proof that
the child is in fear of the other parent, even if it’
might be totally untrue.
.
The truth is that parents are falsely accused of
parental alienation just the same as parents are
falsely accused of child abuse. I have the good
fortune of helping parents on both sides of this
issue. When you’re accused of alienation you
need a consultant to rule it in or to rule it out.
Taking a chance without a consultant is a sure
bet that you’ll get a poor outcome in court, it’s
all up to you.
.
Nobody can guarantee that you will win your
case, but let me put it this way, your best option
is to hire that consultant. Share this article.
Visit my website at http://www.ParentalAlienation.ca

Ryan Schmalzle
on May 13, 2014 at 7:52 pm

Joseph,

I certainly agree with some of the things you say in your comment. I think that in many family cases, especially those involving sexual abuse, it is important that an expert is involved. The experts and the lawyers, including a guardian ad litem appointed to represent the child(ren), need to work together to figure out what is best for the child(ren). Then they need to carry that message to the Judge. Very few lawyers are psychologists, psychiatrists, or social workers. The lawyers do need the help of these individuals in many circumstances, and the court in similar circumstances wants their input too. In many cases, especially bad cases like those involving sexual abuse, it is not only important to have experts involved to report to the court, but also important to have therapists involved to treat the victims. The therapists in these circumstances need to have treating the victims are their primary focus.

I also agree with you that parental alienation is an important issue of which all parents of children going through a divorce or separation need to be aware and need to work hard to prevent. Many families going through transition would benefit from family therapy and individual therapy.

I do not agree with you about what lawyers will do or say or tell their clients. At least I do not agree with you to extent that you are stating all lawyers will do it or most will. In my opinion, lawyers are like every other profession, there are good ones and there bad ones. It is important to research your lawyer before choosing your lawyer so that you can pick a good one. A lawyer also has limitations like everyone, and no lawyers knows every piece of law, code, or case, let alone everything about fields other than the law. I do not agree with you that “Lawyers are not going to admit their shortcomings because if they did you would be looking for a better lawyer.” Like I said above, few lawyers are psychologists and a good lawyer will readily admit that psychology is beyond their field and will recommend that a client retain an expert if an expert is needed.

It is clear that your comment is well thought out. Thank you for taking the time to make it.

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