Apple Keynote Reaction

Yes, Apple Has A New iPad. Again.

In case you missed it, or missed the numerous recaps, Apple held one of their now-famous keynote addresses yesterday to announce the latest product offering. As far as these things go, it was probably one of their better ones in a while — save for the iPhone, they had something relatively new across every platform, including a new Mac Pro that appears to double as a foam roller. The key point here, though, is that this was "one of their better ones in a while.” Can we agree, collectively, that these lengthy auto-fellatio fests have run their course?

I don’t know if Apple was the first to use these kinds of keynote addresses to pimp their new products, but they definitely made it a trend. Before they became the monolith they are today, Apple products were more or less exclusively the domain of creative types and fringe tech geeks. Microsoft’s Windows platform had (and still retains) a firm foothold as the go-to operating system for the average user. Steve Jobs knew he was making higher quality stuff, and he also knew that just having better specs wasn't going to earn him those sweet, sweet middle-American dollars. The solution? Make a spectacle of yourself. Instead of conventional marketing and PR, the best way to reach people was to actually show the products in action and get them into the greasy hands of tech bloggers and journalists.

This was especially important for Apple, primarily because it was (and still is) rare for Apple to be the one to break ground on a new technology. They didn't invent the mp3 player, the tablet, or even the smartphone. While they did make them better, a large announcement was a great way to distract from the fact that, hey, you could have had something like this a long time ago. It also helped that the last 13 years have been an almost unprecedented era of new hardware — think of how thin, light, fast and responsive things have gotten in that time. Apple did that stuff better than anyone, and made that a highlight.

Because of Apple's success, other tech companies followed suit. The only problem is that nowadays, it’s less about what you can do with hardware and more about what you can accomplish without it. Software and cloud capabilities, though they may play a more significant role in our lives, aren't nearly as flashy to show off in front of a crowd. With physical innovation slowing down, these keynote addresses are becoming more and more pointless. It also doesn't help that other companies jumped on the bandwagon without realizing just how well Apple understood the users they were trying to reach. That’s why, when Microsoft spent several hours unveiling the new Xbox, they managed to piss off every hardcore gamer in the world by essentially positioning it as a DVR with a built-in, omniscient camera.

They completely ignored the fact that, as far as their flagship physical product is concerned, gamers were and still are their primary audience. I respect that they want to expand that audience, but it just goes to show how important it seems to companies to schedule the keynote first, and decide the strategy later (if at all). The same goes for the companies debuting all of these “touchless” technologies. While cool in a vacuum, it’s as though they never stopped to ask if consumers would mind looking like idiots by talking and waving at their phones and televisions. I understand the desire to push the boundaries of hardware, but sensible companies always design their products from the user backward. But, hey, if it looks cool in a demo, it’ll sell, right?

Sadly, it’s kind of true. Keynote addresses have gone from being an exception to an expectation — consumers wouldn't know what to do without their bi-annual tech porn. We all want new things. I’m writing this on the just-released OSX Mavericks (why is it plural?). I have an iPad mini that I use exclusively as a bathroom reading tool and, yet, the newer, sharper, lighter one sounds pretty cool to me. We all want these things, and it’s a lot more convenient for us if the manufacturers do us the favor of sticking them right under our noses. That’s why we have guys walking around with phones the size of oil paintings in their pockets, and why there are still a few people out there buying 3D televisions, against their better judgment. Until we stop making grandiose keynote addresses a thing, they will continue to be a thing.

At least I won’t have to see Tim Cook’s smug face for another year or so.