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If you watched TV during the 1990s, you probably know the Tim Allen sitcom “Home Improvement.” Allen’s character, Tim “The Toolman” Taylor, had one solution to just about every problem: more power. This seems to be the same belief AMG engineers employ with every model of the Benz lineup they work over.

That’s the most logical explanation for the 2012 Mercedes-Benz E63 P30 Performance Package, which takes the big 5.5-liter twin-turbo V-8’s output from an already hearty 518 hp and 516 lb-ft of torque to a pavement-pounding 550 hp and 590 lb-ft. This power lets the 4347-pound sedan sprint to 60 mph in just 3.8 seconds. The best part? It emits a beautiful yet brutal growl during its sprint. Unfortunately, unless you’re on a track or a stretch of unrestricted autobahn im Vaterland, you’ll only get to hear that growl for a few short seconds before risking retribution from your local authorities.

This is an E-Class, after all, and it comes with the requisite luxury touches — high-quality materials, soft-touch plastics, and most importantly, extensive sound deadening — that completely skew the perception of speed by eliminating pesky things like wind and road noise. “Go Directly to Jail” velocities come surprisingly easily and with no warning, especially with your foot planted firmly on the accelerator. Imagine, if you will, a gas pedal attached to a string, and on the other end of that string are a bull’s nether regions. Be gentle and there will be no trouble; be aggressive and there goes the china shop — and your license. Usually, staring at the speedometer is a bad idea. In the E63, it’s almost a necessity.

In base form, the E63 rings in at $91,475 — but who buys a base model Mercedes, let alone a base model E63? Our tester had a Porsche-like options list in both quantity and cost that brought the price up to an eye-watering $131,045, landing it firmly in “more than you can afford, pal” territory for us 99 percenters. At the top was the $12,625 (!) carbon-ceramic brake package, an option perpetually the subject of “is it worth it?” discussions. This Benz stopped from 60 mph in just 103 feet. Impressive? Yes. But the E63 Wagon we recently tested without the package needed just 105 feet. Carbons aren’t necessarily going to stop you faster, but they’re better for track use. Bottom line: If you’re not taking your car to the track, skip the ceramics.

Further padding the price is the aforementioned P30 performance package, which runs a considerable $7300. In addition to the power boost, it adds a sport suspension, a fancier steering wheel, and some OOH, SHINY! in the form of a carbon-fiber engine cover. We haven’t had a 2012 E63 without the P30 pack (the wagon had it as well), so we can’t say how big the performance improvement is over a “regular” E63, but the numbers speak for themselves. The optional limited-slip differential tacks on $2030, and another $5000 was added via the Premium 2 Package, which throws in HID headlamps, a rearview camera, heated/cooled front seats, and best of all, a fancy driver’s seat with a massage feature AND Benz’s active seat bolstering system found in other models. When active, the bolsters will tighten up when they feel the pressure of your body. As a result, you get the support you need while cornering without the snug feeling of them fully activated. Genius!

Less flashy but still important is the $2950 driver assistance package, which includes active cruise control, blind spot monitoring, lane assist, and PRE-SAFE, which yells at you (the way a car does, with chimes and flashing lights) if you’re about to slam into someone’s rear. If you’re the sort of person who has a tendency to not pay attention in traffic, this could save your sheetmetal. Our tester also had the $1090 panoramic sunroof, $1780 nightview assist system, $970 parking assist system, a $1790 19-inch wheel option, and a few other odds and ends. Despite the extensive list, four features are notably absent: a head-up display (would help with that speedometer staring), Valentine One/Escort 8500 radar detector, a pre-paid membership in the CHP’s 11-99 foundation (or your local equivalent), and a traffic lawyer on retainer. At least you have the benefit of stealth, especially if you go with a color like our tester’s dark gray. It hardly stands out on the road, even with the 19-inchers – until it blows by going 110.

Despite its addiction to speed, the E63 is not a surgical driving instrument. There’s minimal feedback and feeling in the pedals and steering wheel, for example, and it’s too heavy. Even at the stiff Sport+ setting, there’s more body roll than is ideal, and that setting is awful when it comes to driving on all but the smoothest streets. The seven-speed automatic doesn’t exactly bring lightning-quick shifts to the table — not even in Sport+ or manual mode. Other dual-clutch units do it slightly better. But that’s OK, because this Mercedes is exactly what AMGs usually are: finely crafted German hammers made out of the most appropriate unobtainium. More power indeed. Go ahead, give that string a good tug, let the back step out a bit, and then pound on the corner exit like it owes you money. Just leave the traction control in Sport mode, unless you’re looking to get acquainted with a guardrail.

2012 Mercedes-Benz E-Class News and Reviews

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