A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a bigEverything under one roof" department store looking for a job.The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin ."Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You starttomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.After the store was locked up, the boss came down.How many customers bought something from you today?The kid says "one".The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30customers a day. How much was the sale for?"The kid says "$101,237.65".The boss says "$101, 237.65?!!!? What the heck d id you sell?"The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I soldhim a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. ThenI sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked h im where he was goingfishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to needa boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twinengine Chris Craft.Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, soI took him down to the automotive department and sold him that4x4 Expedition"The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and yousold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for hiswife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should gofishing."

That's great, Asa! How did this thread get named "World's WORST jokes" anyway? These are great.

quote:

Since this is a joke thread, the listed weight IS usually a joke!

I remember a professor once talking about reliability of research tools. She told the class to pull out their driver's licenses...and then she asked how reliable their listed weight was. Dead silence. She made her point. (This was a nursing class with mostly women, and I think women tend to lie about their weight more than men.)

An employee for USAir, who happened to have the last name of GAY, got on a plane recently using one of his company's "Free Flight" programs. However, when Mr. Gay tried to take his seat, he found it being occupied by a paying passenger. So, not to make a fuss, he simply chose another seat.

Unknown to Mr. Gay, another USAir flight at the airport experienced mechanical problems. The passengers of this other flight were being rerouted to various airplanes. A few were put on Mr. Gay's flight and anyone who was holding a "free" ticket was being "bumped".

Airline officials, armed with a list of these "freebee" ticket holders boarded the plane to remove the free ticket holders. Of course, our Mr. Gay was not sitting in his assigned seat as you may remember.

So when the Ticket Agent approached the seat where Mr. Gay was supposed to be sitting, she asked a startled customer "Are you Gay?". The man, shyly nodded that he was, at which point she demanded: "Then you have to get off the plane".

Our Mr. Gay, overhearing what the Ticket Agent had said, tried to clear up the situation: "You've got the wrong man. I'm Gay!". This caused an angry third passenger to yell "Hell, I'm gay too! They can't kick us all off!" Confusion reigned as more and more passengers began yelling that USAir had no right to remove gays from their flights.

This morning on I-84 I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand newCadillac doing 75 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane,still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel,it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed,and burned Little Mr. Johnson and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my pants, and disconnected an important call.

Ok, here is one that is a bit dated. So hop in the way-back machine and go back to the 1992 US election. George Bush (sr), Bill Clinton, and Ross Perot were dukeing it out in a semi three way fight. 'ol Ross came forward with the Idea that they need not spend all of that money and anger but instead, they should hold the office together. The only thing Ross wanted as payment for this "great" idea what to get to call it "perot's troika"

This joke comes to us from the Industrial Engineering Triva Page which was provided to us earlier by BobHale.

A consultant and his wife visited a marriage counselor after fifteen difficult years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the fifteen years they had been married. She went on and on and on about everything: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved.... an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman shut up and quietly sat down, as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf."

This message has been edited. Last edited by: jerry thomas, January 12, 2008 18:55

An animal rights fanatic placed a bomb in a bag of candy and put it in the lunch room at the local primate research facility. A worker spied the bag, looked in, and thought the monkeys would enjoy some of it. He took the bag into the monkey room, then got caled away. The bomb exploded. When workers rushed in, all they found was hundreds or Rhesus Pieces.

Perhaps less distressingly, it could be reported that one of the monkeys spotted the bag and, as is their wont, threw a handful of his droppings at it. The bomb exploded. When workers rushed in, they found hundreds of Rhesus faeces pieces.

Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.

A blonde and her husband are awake at 3:00am due to the neighbour's dog's incessant barking. The blonde gets up, puts on her slippers, and goes outside. The barking stops momentarily, but when she returns, it continues, louder than ever. The husband asks what she was doing outside and she replies, I put their dog in our yard - let's see how THEY like it!

Ah...there's that naughty word "ignorance" again. These are cultural differences.

You can call it a naughty word - but it means "lack of knowledge". And Americans don't know about Barbour just as we don't know about Reeces Pieces. That is a fact. The REASONS why we don't know these things might be cultural - but that's a different discussion.

While I don't intend to bring this discussion forward again, the word "ignorance" has negative implications. As we've said before, it's like writing that you and some of your gay friends (meaning "happy" of course) went to drink some cask beers.

On her 70th birthday, an old spinster decides it's time to finally get married. Since she has no hot prospects, she decides to run this ad in the local newspaper:

" Seventy-year young virgin seeks husband. Must be in same age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and MUST still be good in bed. Apply in person"

The next day, her doorbell rings, and when she opens the door, much to her dismay is a gray haired man in a wheelchair, and he has no arms or legs.

She asks the man, "Do you really expect me to choose you? You don't even have any arms or legs!" The old man replies, "Well, I don't have arms, so how could I beat you?" The woman agrees, and asks him to proceed. "I don't have any legs, so how could I run around on you? Again, she agrees, and replies, "But how could you, without any arms or legs, possibly be good in bed?"

Dear Abby, My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bullshit with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do? Signed: Clueless ------------------------------------------------------------ Dear Clueless: Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman! You don't need him anymore! You're a Senator from New York running for President of the United States. Act like one.

In the interests of equal time, here's a story from My Buddy Bill by Rick Cleveland.

Once, when Bill was President, he and Hillary were back visiting the town where she grew up (in Illinois, I think). She ran into her old high school boyfriend, who was now the manager of a gas station. As they were driving away in Limo One, Bill turns to Hillary and says, "See, if you had married him, you'd be the wife of a gas-station manager." And Hillary replies "No, I'd be the wife of the President of the United States."