Day 3: Fans of Water Falling From the Sky and 2 Day Old Replays Rejoice

Ahhhh, Vincent “ain’t afraidaya” Spadea (his self-given monkier). The skate dad of tennis. Everyone’s favorite NARC. Is he cool or what? He’s one of those dead beat dads that’s actually doing you a favor by not showing up. The guy wears his hat backwards to show you how crazy he is for non-cyring out loud. The only guy on the tour who “raps”. Yes, he raps, and I don’t think I have to tell you how badly 33 year-old white tennis players rap. Instead, here’s a sample of the skate dad, in action, being interviewed this morning by a black woman (ya’ know, to make it more authentic). Kick it Vincent! oh and the elipses mark extremely long pauses which, as you know, are common in free-styling:

“Katrina…I’m lean-ah and mean-ah than Venus or Serena/ but I’m stuck at this age where I’m feeling like…I’m in a cage but I’m ready to …break out (10 minute pause) get me on final stage…center court and…uh (longer pause, looks awkwardly into the camera) you guys know what’s gonna happen after that”

No, actually we have no idea you freak. Are you gonna do a circle jerk with all the guys who live on your couch down in Boca Raton? Are you gonna do a handplant, naked on the half-pipe in your backyard? Indeed, what is gonna happen after that? I bet you real sex to cyber sex him and Gimmelslob give each other oily handjobs under the moonlit Eiffel Tower. Hold on, I just barfed.

And that was the only thing exciting that happened today. I bet you even the parents (donors?) of Manesmo and the Kooze would agree with me. The Kooze got rid of her corn rows which is a shame, cause I think they really gave her that feminine, classy look. The Kooze cruised over Nakamura, 6-2, 6-3. Manesmo HGH’d over her comp, 7-5, 4-6, 6-1. And sweet little Sugiyama “Fujiyama mama” dropped the bomb, 6-1, 2-6, 6-3 on Kurdyavtseva of Russia.

As for the men there were a couple of mini upsets, depending on how much stock you put in overrated players. Ancic defeated 32 ranked Seppi 6-2, 7-6, 6-2. The guy hasn’t made it out of the 2nd round of a grand slam ever. How is (was) that guy ranked 32? If you even try to answer that you’re an asshole. The other upset-non-upset was Soderling over a (mind boggling) 13th ranked Monaco. Aside from having a good tennis name I really don’t know how he got that ranking. Has he been on the juniors circuit? Soderling didn’t cry for Argentina, 6-2, 6-3, 6-1. Davystadenko’s giant cranium and Warinka’s pock marks will face more rain.

If I see one more photo of umbrellas, or people with umbrellas to signify to me that it’s raining I’m gonna go drink my roommates bleach (he uses it for his ankle socks). There has got to be other images that work for rain…like…RAIN! Or can someone over there get a sense of humor and, during the rain delay just show a still shot of the sun for 8 hours? You can even have Gimmelslob read haikus about the sun. I dunno, that’s pretty lame, but I think you know where we can take this. And lastly, no more whispering, “it’s good” when there’s a close shot, then subsuquently shout “and that’s too good!”, when the winner is made. That’s why those people yell, “NO!”, or “OUT!”, or “AHHHH”, when the shot is out. We don’t need to be told of every shot that’s good, that’s what I use my eyes for. That and for trying to stare through walls. The last time I checked blind people don’t watch a great deal of tennis. They’re usually pumping water from a well (if you get that reference, words can’t convey how much I love you).

There were a total of 13 matches played with 33 scheduled for today. Tomorrow there are 74 matches scheduled, and most of them are not continuations of matches already started. Who has two buns and hates their life right about now…this guy. There is no way on earth they’re going to show 5 full minutes of the Monfils match. I’m gonna go get extremely drunk right now. Allez!