GEORGE: What am I going to do now? I can't live without Susan.
I gotta get her back. How? How, am I gonna get her back?

ELAINE: [OC] Not only didn't you love her, you didn't even like
her.

GEORGE: Who says?

ELAINE: You did.

GEORGE: Ah, ...A beautiful successful intelligent woman's in love
with me and I throw it all away. uh oh boy. Now I'll spend the rest
of my life living alone. I'll sit in my disgusting little apartment
watching basketball games, eating Chinese take out. Walking around
with no underwear. Because I'm too lazy to do a laundry.

JERRY: You walk around with no underwear?

GEORGE: Yeah, what do you do when you run out of laundry?

JERRY: I do a wash.

GEORGE: Who am I going to meet who is better than her? No one,
Jerry. No one's better than her.

JERRY: When you were with her you said you couldn't stand her.

GEORGE: I loved her!

JERRY: You said goin up the steps of her apartment was like being
taken to a cell.

GEORGE: I would give anything to be going up those stairs again.

GEORGE: I gotta call her. Should I call her?

JERRY: George, I don't know if that is such a good idea?

GEORGE: Whyie?

JERRY: You need some professional advice. Why don't you go see
Elaine's friend? She's a therapist.

GEORGE: I'm not going to see that nut doctor she went to Europe
with.

JERRY: No, no no [Elaine enters, flossing teeth] Elaine what's
the name of that friend of yours ... that's a therapist ... the
woman.

ELAINE: Dana Folley.

JERRY: Right, Dana Folley.

GEORGE: She any good?

ELAINE: Yeah, she's terrific. Why? You thinking of going?

GEORGE: Wa, uh, ...

ELAINE: Tia? Who's that?

JERRY: She's the model I met on the plane.

ELAINE: She sent you a Christmas card?

JERRY: Um uh. And we're going out Saturday night.

GEORGE: My Darling Susan! My DARLING!!!

[They ignore George]

JERRY: What are you doing?

ELAINE: ... date with Fred.

JERRY: The religious guy?

ELAINE: He's not THAT religious.

JERRY: Let us pray.

[Kramer Enters]

KRAMER: Hey, you got any Double Crunch?

JERRY: Yeah.

JERRY: Kramer, should I call Susan?

KRAMER: Now what does the little man inside you say? See you gotta
listen to the little man.

GEORGE: My little man doesn't know.

KRAMER: The little man knows all.

GEORGE: My little man's an idiot.

ELAINE: See, she was clever. You know she put her picture on a
card. I should do that. I never do anything like that.

KRAMER: You want a picture like that on a Christmas card? I can
do that for you. ...

GEORGE: She kept such a nice clean apartment. She was so sanitary.

ELAINE: No, no, I was just thinking out loud I don't want my picture
on a card.

KRAMER: No, no, I'll take your picture. I'll take care of everything.

GEORGE: She made a big breakfast every Sunday. I don't know what
she put in those eggs.

KRAMER: All right, ... now, you come on over. I'll have my cereal
and I'll take your picture.

KRAMER: You smell like the beach. What's the name of that perfume?
you're wearing.

TIA: It's Ocean by CALVIN KLEIN.

KRAMER: CALVIN KLEIN? No, no. That's my idea. They, they stole
my idea. Y' see I had the idea of a cologne that makes you smell
like you just came from the beach.

JERRY: I know look at this [shows ad]

KRAMER: Whooo, ... That's you! What is going on here? The gyp(?)
he laughs at me then he steals my idea. I could have been a millionaire.
I could have been a fragrance millionaire, Jerry. ... They're not
going to get away with this.

GEORGE: Well hello. Um, ah, specifically the reason that I'm here,
uh, I don't know uh what Elaine told you but uh I broke up with
my girlfriend a couple of weeks ago. Actually she broke up with
me [struggling with his coat zipper] and uh, well, I was the cause
of it and uh, I just wanted to find out from you ... What's with
this thing?

DANA: So uh, she broke up with you? ...

GEORGE: Yeah, and, ... Why won't this go down?

DANA: It's all right don't worry about it. So, why did she break
up with you?

ELAINE: Anyway so Fred and I are going to do some volunteer work
for that Church on Amsterdam.

JERRY: Oh, volunteer work!. See that's what I like about the holiday
season. That's the true spirit of Christmas. People being helped
by people other than me. That makes me feel good inside. Look at
what we have here. [mail]. A Christmas card from Laine. You didn't
have to go to all that trouble.

ELAINE: It was no trouble. My assistant did the whole thing.

JERRY: I didn't even see the picture. How did it come out?

ELAINE: Well, you know. It's a picture?

JERRY: Oh yeah. Look at that. Looks good. Kramer did a good job.

ELAINE: Yeah, well. How hard is it to take a picture?

JERRY: ... um ...

ELAINE: What?

JERRY: Did you look at look at this picture carefully?

ELAINE: Carefully?

JERRY: Because I'm not sure and and and correct me if I'm wrong
but I think I see ... a nipple.

ELAINE: Oh God I didn't notice. Oh, what am I going to do? You
know your whole life you go through painstaking efforts to hide
your nipple and then BOOM, suddenly hundreds of people get their
own personal shot of it.

[Kramer enters]

KRAMER: Hey!

ELAINE: Have you seen the card?

KRAMER: What card?

ELAINE: This car.

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah. Of course. I took it.

ELAINE: Well did you notice anything unusual about it?

KRAMER: No.

ELAINE: Well come here and take a look.

KRAMER: Yeah, so?

ELAINE: So, what's that?

KRAMER: That's a nipple.

ELAINE: Right!!

KRAMER: Ooo!

ELAINE: Aw, great!? Didn't you see that?

KRAMER: Aw, no, no I didn't notice it. no, uh,

ELAINE: It's because you made me wear that stupid shirt.

JERRY: Well, maybe no one noticed it. You didn't notice it. Let
me go get Newman. We'll see if he sees it.

ELAINE: No. I don't want him looking.

JERRY: Oh what's the difference. Everybody else you know has it.

ELAINE: Oh my God. I sent one to the super in my building. My mailman.
My ten year old little nephew. Sister Mary Catherine. Father Chelios.
Oh my God Fred! I sent one to Fred.

[Jerry enters with Newman]

NX: Okay. What is it?

JERRY: Take a look at this card. Tell me if you notice anything
unusual about it.

GEORGE: Okay. Uh, my mother is is going to pay for the sessions.
... Oh,Elaine?

DANA: Yeah.

GEORGE: [stares at card]

[Jerry's car - BMW]

[Jerry scratching right side of nose. Tia in a cab sees him, in
shock. Cab pulls away.]

JERRY: No, No, No, No, Oh, No.

[Jerry's Apartment]

[Jerry hanging up phone]

JERRY: Well every day for the past four days she hasn't returned
one call.

GEORGE: Was it a scratch or a pick?

JERRY: It was a scratch.

GEORGE: Hey. It's me.

JERRY: Don't you think I know the difference between a pick and
a scratch?

[Buzzer]

JERRY: Yeah?

ELAINE: (OC) It's me.

JERRY: Come on up.

GEORGE: Was there any nostril penetration?

JERRY: There may have been some incidental penetration. But from
her angle she was in no position to make the call.

GEORGE: So let's say in her mind she witnessed a pick. Okay, so
then what?

JERRY: Is that so unforgivable? Is that like breaking a commandment?
Did God say to Moses thou shalt not pick?

GEORGE: I guarantee you that Moses was a picker. You wander throughh
the desert for forty years with that dry air. ... You telling me
you're not going to have occasion to clean house a little bit.

JERRY: Let me ask you something. If you were going out with somebody
and if she did that what would, would you do? Would you continue
going out with her?

GEORGE: No. That's disgusting!

[Elaine enters]

ELAINE: You cannot believe what I'm going through. That card is
plastered all over the office. Everybody is calling me, Nip! ...
Yeah. That's my new nickname at the office. Nip! These guys keep
asking me out for drinks. Not only that, Fred, you know the guy
I told you about? He hasn't called me in three days. ... [sees card]
Oh please!

GEORGE: Hey. How come I didn't get a Christmas card? Everybody
else got one. Jerry got one, Kramer got one. I thought we were good
friends. I don't get a Christmas card. I don't get it.

ELAINE: You want a Christmas card? You want a Christmas card? All
right here. [rubs George's head on her breasts] Here's your Christmas
card.

[Kramer enters]

KRAMER: Got any Double Crunch?

JERRY: yeah. I think I do.

KRAMER: What's that perfume?

ELAINE: What, Ocean.

KRAMER: That's mine. That's my smell. Jerry you've got to get that
model to get me an appointment with CALVIN KLEIN.

JERRY: I can't She won't return my calls because she caught me
in a pick at a light.

KRAMER: I thought you said it was a scratch.

JERRY: But that's not what she thinks.

GEORGE: Why don't you call her agency. Maybe she's been out of
town and she didn't get the calls.

JERRY: All right. I'll call the agency. [Elaine grabs card from
George] Hello. Yes, I'm trying to get in touch with Tia Van Camp.
Do you know if she's been in town? She's been in town. Oh really.
well thank you very much. [hangs up] She has been in town. She's
at CALVIN KLEIN's right now.

KRAMER: Let's go.

[Monk's]

GEORGE: It'll be different this time.

SUSAN: I need someone a little more stable.

GEORGE: I'm not stable? I'm like a rock. I take these glasses off,
you can't tell the difference between me and a rock. I put these
glasses on a rock. You know what jumps into most people's minds?
Costanza!

SUSAN: People don't change.

GEORGE: I change I change. Two weeks ago I tried a soft boiled
egg. Never liked it before. Now I'm dunkin a piece of toast in there
and I'm loving it.

SUSAN: I'm not a soft boiled egg.

GEORGE: And I am not a piece of toast.

SUSAN: I just don't think we have anything in common.

GEORGE: That's okay. That's good. You think Louie Pasteur and his
wife had anything in common? He was in the fields all day with the
cows, you know with the milk, examining the milk, delving into milk,
consummed with milk. Pasteurization, Homogenization, She was in
the kitchen killing cockroaches with a boot on each hand.

SUSAN: Why were there so many cockroaches?

GEORGE: Because. There was a lot of cake lying around the house.
Just sitting there going with all the excess milk from all the experiments
[grins]

SUSAN: And they got along?

GEORGE: Yes! Yes. You know. She didn't know about Pasteurization.
He didn't know anout Fumigation. But they made it work!

[Trump Towers]

KRAMER: I want to talk to Calvin.

SECRETARY: You can't go in there.

KRAMER: Let me talk to Calvin.

[Kramer enters office]

TIA: Kramer?

KRAMER: Yeah, uh.

CALVIN KLEIN: Who are you?

KRAMER: I'm here to talk about the ocean.

CALVIN KLEIN: Oh, yes kramer. I uh, think I know something about
this. Will you excuse us Tia? [Tia leaves]

KRAMER: Now I don't want any trouble Calvin.

CALVIN KLEIN: Neither do I.

[Outside office]

JERRY: Hello there you are.

TIA: What are you doing here?

JERRY: Well, I had to talk to you - I noticed you haven't been
returning my calls.

TIA: Well, I've been busy.

JERRY: Because I - I thought we had a good time the other night,
an' the only explanation I can come up with is that you think that
you caught me (flustered, he

indicates a nose pick)

TIA: (Waving him off) I'd rather not talk about this..

JERRY: But I was clearly on the outer edge of the nostril.

TIA: I know what I saw. (Turns toward the elevators)

JERRY: But there - but there was no pick! I - I did not pick! There
ws no piick!

TIA: I gotta go. (Quickly walks away from Jerry)

JERRY: No! No pick!

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Calvin Klein's office]

(Kramer, standing, is talking with Klein)

KRAMER: All right, now here's the scoop, Jockey. I, uh, I came
in here last January to talk to one of your ffflunkies..

KLEIN: (Reflecting on Kramer) Interesting face..

KRAMER: Yeah.. And, um, when I told him my idea about the beach
cologne, you know, he - he laughed at me.

KLEIN: You're very lithe, aren't you? Very graceful.

KRAMER: Well, yeah.

KLEIN: Sit down, eh? (Kramer, misjudging one side of the couch,
sits down uncomfortably) You're very lean, but muscular..

KRAMER: You know, I try to take care of myself. I - I watch what
I eat. Ah, just recently I cut out fructose.

KLEIN: You're spectacular.

KRAMER: (Flattered) Oh?

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Elaine's office]

(Elaine's fighting with her boyfriend, Fred, about her Christmas
card)

ELAINE: I told you, Fred - my friend's next door neighbor took
it.

FRED: (Incredulous) Soo - what happened?!

ELAINE: Well, I-I-I must a missed a button. I forgot to button
it.

FRED: I really don't see how you could miss a button like that.

ELAINE: Oh, you've never missed a button?! (Phone rings, she puts
it on speakerphone) Yeah?..

RECEPTIONIST: Your sister, Gail.

ELAINE: Oh, God - my nephew. (Picks up the phone and hits the button)
Hi, Gail!.. Yu.. yu... Yes, Gail, I know how old he is.

CO-WORKER: (Pokes his head into the doorway) Hey, Nip, ya need
that manuscript or can I take it home?

ELAINE: Yeah, take it! Take it!.. An' stop calling me "Nip"! (Co-worker
takes it and quickly leaves. Elaine goes back to the phone) It was
an accident! Well..

well.. it's gotta be somewhere. Look under his mattress.

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Susan's apartment building]

(George and Susan are slowly making their way up the stars to Susan's
apartment. He's treating it very much like the long walk to an execution;
she's mellow and

happy)

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Calvin Klein's office]

(A couple people are sitting with Klein, and talking. Kramer is
no where in sight)

WOMAN: About the focus group? I had nothing to do with the focus
group. What's your point? (She sees Kramer emerge from another room.
He's wearing only

dress shoes, socks, and his briefs) My.. he's sexual, athletic..
an' without a trace of self-consciousness!

KLEIN: His buttocks are sublime!

MAN: Of course, his pectorals could use a little work - I suppose
we could get him into the weight room.

WOMAN: (Mesmerized with Kramer's body) No, let's get him in the
studio today. We can send these out immediately.

(Kramer casually puts his hand on the wall, attempting to lean
on it, but the corner is rounded, and he slides along it, eventually
falling down. Fortunately, the other

people don't notice - they're talking amongst themselves)

MAN: You've done it again, C.K.!

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Calvin Klein office building]

(In a hallway, Tia and others are waiting for the elevator. Jerry,
deciding to make a speach, starts to preach to the crowd)

JERRY: An' what if I did do it? Even though I admit to nothing,
and never will. What does that make me? And I'm not here just defending
myself but all those

Pickers out there who've been caught. (Elevator doors open) Each
an' every one of them, who has to suffer the shame and humiliation
because of people like you..

(Everyone but Jerry is now in the elevator. Jerry's still addressing
them) Are we not human?! If we pick, do we not bleed?! (Elevator
doors shut. A few people in the

hallway are looking at him, he turns and addresses them) I am not
an animal!

(Scene ends)

[Setting: Elaine's office]

(Elaine's standing in the doorway, yelling at Fred)

ELAINE: I did not bare myself deliberately, but I tell you, I wish
now that I had! (Fred, shocked by her speech, flees. She calls after
him, still standing at the hallway) Because it is not me that has
been exposed, but you! For I have seen the nipple on your soul!

(Scene ends)

[Monk's]

GX: So the minute I started up the steps to her apartment I knew
I made a terrible mistake. Going back with her. So we're in her
apartment she goes into the bathroom. I'm cursing myself; now how
do I get out of this? Then it hits me like a bolt of lightening.
The pick.

JERRY: The pick?

ELAINE: The pick?

GEORGE: She comes out of the bathroom, I'm in up to my wrist. You
should have seen the look on her face.