Reed To Sell Naming Rights To Susquehanna River

(HARRISBURG) – In the wake of this week’s winter storm that nearly broke the budget of the city of Harrisburg, Mayor Stephen Reed today announced plans to sell naming rights to the Susquehanna River.

“I was really hoping it wouldn’t come to this,” Reed said. “But the cost of plowing away all of that ice and snow this week has sunk the city to new financial depths. Therefore, I have no choice but to put the name of our fair river up for bids.”

Reed said he only has the power over the naming rights of the portion of the river that touches Harrisburg. “North and south of here, it will still be known as the Susquehanna. But here in the city, it will soon don a new name — and hopefully bring in a crapload of money at the same time.”

The mayor said some early bidders include Wachovia Bank (“The Wachovia River”), Comcast Corporation (“The Comcast River”) and a local businesswoman (“The Knackstedt River”).

When asked if renaming a portion of a long-established river is legal, Reed chuckled and said, “Yeah, as if that’s stopped me before.”