Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Rules for Driving in Tulsa

I didn't write this, someone named Vaughn Clark did, but it is so true, I thought it good to share, as someone who has driven in Tulsa many times. Here I was all these years, thinking it was only me:) Enjoy!

Only those who drive in Tulsa or have driven in Tulsa will appreciate this. If your Tulsa map is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. If you're in Broken Arrow and your map is one day old, then it is already obsolete. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Tulsa has its own version of traffic rules. All directions start with "Get on Memorial" which has no beginning and no end. Everything in Tulsa is "just off Memorial." The morning rush hour is from 6 to 10. The evening rush hour is from 3 to 7. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid crashing with all the drivers running the red light in cross-traffic. Construction on I-44 is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. All unexpected or strange sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in Jenks." If someone actually has a turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect. All old ladies with blue hair in Mercedes have the right of way. PERIOD. I-44 is called the Skelly Bypass. No one has ever figured out what it bypasses... State Highway 51 is either the Broken Arrow Expressway or the Keystone Expressway, depending on which way you're headed. US64 comes up Memorial from Bixby, joins 169 for a few miles, and then heads west with SH 51 towards Sand Springs. Several highways like the Creek Turnpike have no number. We don't understand it either. Maps of Tulsa show an Interstate 444 in downtown Tulsa. If you find it let us know. The alleged I-444 is half of the inner-dispersal loop, which is not for the faint of heart. Highway 169 in rush hour is the Tulsa equivalent of NASCAR. Just shut up and drive like the rest of us. If asking directions along North Utica or in west Tulsa, you must have knowledge of Spanish. If you're on east 21st Street, Mandarin Chinese or Vietnamese will be your best bet. If you stop to ask directions on Pine or Peoria, you better be armed. The minimum acceptable speed on the Broken Arrow Expressway is 85.Anything less is considered downright sissy. If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend. If it's 10 degrees and snowing, it's homecoming at TU. If it's rained 6 inches in the last hour, and it is spring, it's opening day for the Drillers. If it is fall, the Tulsa State Fair is going on. All amusement parks, stadiums, arenas, race tracks, airports, etc., are conveniently located as far away from EVERYTHING as possible so as to allow for ample parking on grassy areas.With these simple rules in mind, you are now ready to drive in Tulsa. Please try and keep up.