Angry SEAS students destroy Tompkins Hall

Students from the School of Eggheads and Dateless Nerds demolished Tompkins Hall, the engineering school’s S&M facility, late Wednesday night.

The roar of several strategically placed bombs awoke area residents – mostly homeless men drunk off of forties of Olde English – some time around 1:45 a.m.

“I was watching Springer reruns when I heard something,” said senior Settin’ Offsprinklers, a resident of Not Quite So New Hall (soon-to-be-named Trachtenberg Hall).

“I was, like, scared shitless,” she said, still visibly shaken.

A spokesperson for the Universally Pathetic Department said a half-dozen officers responded to the giant explosion and saw some suspicious persons running away.

“The officers yelled at them to stop, but they just kept running. So the officers yelled `Stop!’ several more times, but the suspects refused to cooperate,” said Sgt. Duncan Doughnutz at a press conference at 7-Eleven.

“Our officers did the best they could, but since the suspects refused to stop and hand over their GWorld cards, we really can’t do anything more,” Doughnutz said.

Shortly after the explosion, UPD received a rock through its headquarters’ window from a previously unheard-of group claiming responsibility for the bombing – the Brotherhood of Avengers for Engineering Apathy.

UPD officers in the building at the time were too busy watching live footage of students in Thrustin’ Hell getting busy to go outside and see who threw the rock.

“These kids were thumping around the hallway like two rabbits in heat,” said one officer who wanted to be identified, but couldn’t spell his name.

A note attached to the rock was written in mathematical formulas and could not be deciphered as we went to press. Oh well.

We have all been forced to down a family member’s greasy and lackluster casserole with a smile on our face. But this Thanksgiving, you can rethink the staple and enjoy a dish with a crunch that goes unmatched.