Classic Dick

The Podcast

The number of myths I’m about to bust is so great I don’t even know how to classify this article.

Except I do know how to classify this article. Men are better than women.

You know all the pretentious shit women pretend to pull off in their twenties and then continue to cling to like a fucking life preserver when they hit their thirties and no man will knock them up because they’re so fucking lame and also won’t ever shut their mouth? Men are better than women at that shit.

A recent piece of CBS investigative journalism discovered some shocking news: the decision making processes of women are like three legged dogs. No matter what kind of handicap you give them, no matter how sorry everyone feels for them, they’re still fucked. It’s in our man empathy to pity the handicapped — even the mentally handicapped. Women.

Men are better than women at picking out wine.

I wouldn’t know exactly how bad women are at selecting wine because I’ve never ever let a woman do it. And I have certainly never drunk said wine if a woman decision somehow eluded my mighty man providence. I’m not a time traveler. I can’t be in two hours ago preventing a woman from fucking up my delicious steak dinner with some goddamn Riesling. What is so fucking fantastic about Riesling to women? Is it because it tastes like you’re getting punched by a sugar goblin? Was there some teenage heartthrob by the name of Riesling when women were women-agers? I suppose neither would explain anything anyway because there’s never a reason for why women do anything. They just always do it wrong.

Woman drink shitty wine. I personally took a survey of all the women I could find before writing this article and I found that 100% of them could not name a delicious wine within an ample time period of ten seconds. According to their failures, picking things is man business. If women have to pick anything they fuck it up; wine included. We men have so much class coming out of our ass that it’s physically impossible for us to pick out a foul or mismatched wine.

But that’s not all.

According to the investigative journalism of CBS, men have more than class. We also have the sense to ask for help. Directions, sexual inefficiencies, wine; they’re all the same to men and women can shut the fuck up about it. That’s why men are so smart. We’re always asking for help on things and then we’re always memorizing the help so we don’t have to sound like repeating jackasses and ask the same question twice.

How do women select wine? For once the answer isn’t ‘ask their no-nothing mother what she would do’. It’s even worse.

Women look for cute labels like Yellow Tail’s stupid Kangaroo and kitschy, cutsey, make me vomitey names like Little White Lie or Bitch On The Rag, each with a shittier body and less appetizing flavour.

This whole clusterfuck reminds me of a story. A friend of mine used to tell women he had a tattoo on an inappropriate place. Women are simple minded so this is a perfect pick up line. They can remember all the players. You, her, penis. Also, they get to experience the anticipation of solving the riddle of what this tattoo is and where exactly it is!

My friend does not have a frog tattooed on his cock, but in the end, does it really matter? It just proves my point.

Edit by Dick:
Thanks to Jorge for the following CBS video presentation.