Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995) [REVIEW]

Fuuuuuuuuck me this was a pile of shit. It starts a few years after Halloween 5 left off, but Danielle Harris isn’t in this one. BULLSHIT. However, some lady has been kidnapped and knocked up by the douche from the Cult of the Thorn, and she has crapped out the baby. She makes a run for it with the baby because she knows something bad will happen to it, and she eventually leaves it in a gas station. Real responsible, bitch. Michael Myers then impales her on a piece of farming equipment. Paul Rudd…YUP, PAUL FUCKING RUDD, gets the baby from the gas station because, guess what, PAUL RUDD PLAYS THE CHARACTER OF THE GROWN UP LITTLE KID FROM THE FIRST ONE. Yeah, it’s a pretty thin alibi. So Paul Rudd is trying to protect the baby from Michael and he has the help of Dr. Loomis, a.k.a. Donald Pleasence again, despite Dr. Loomis claiming to have been retired. Anyways, it’s all kind of pointless, whatever the fuck is going on, because I guess the “Man in Black” was some scientist guy who was trying to bring about the “Curse of the Thorn”, which is supposedly the curse Michael has, which is what makes him evil and super powerful. The Man in Black was hoping to trick Michael long enough so he could harvest DNA from him and inject the super-powered DNA into babies. GOD FUCKING DAMMIT THIS IS STUPID. Michael busts into surgery, most likely without even scrubbing, and kills everyone. Eventually Paul Rudd tricks Michael into taking a fetus, and when there is a fetus distraction, Paul stabs Michael in the eyes with tranquilizers and then beats the fucking shit out of Michael’s head with a lead pipe. Dr. Loomis, Paul Rudd, the baby, and two other characters that aren’t even worth mentioning are about to leave, when Dr. Loomis says he is staying behind because he has business to take care of. We then see Michael’s mask on the floor and hear Dr. Loomis screaming, because he’s getting the shit killed out of him.

Careful! Paul Rudd’s going to eat that baby!

FUCK THIS MOVIE. It sucks so bad. Just as bad as basically every bad installment of Friday the 13th or A Nightmare on Elm Street. Wait, I’ll give it entertaining gore, or rather, mildly entertaining gore, but that’s about it. I mean seriously, this movie was more like Jurassic Park than Halloween with all the gene splicing bullshit. Also, it was only after reading on Wikipedia the fact that it’s supposed to be Loomis screaming, because there’s absolutely no indication of it being him, other than that arbitrary line about staying behind. I’m sure they wanted people to think it was Loomis because Donald Pleasence died before the movie was released, and what better way to end the actor’s career than by implying an off-screen death? How nice of you guys! You fucking assholes. I really hope that Halloween: H20 is better than I remember it, or at least better than this huge pile of shit.

It doesn’t say this on wikipedia, but from what I recall, they were filming this one and part 7 at the same time when Pleasence died, and had to splice the two movies together, of which they had about half filmed. It’s not the worst of them however, just wait until you get to Mike Myers vs. Busta Rhymes!