The Farewell Email

One might hope that the Monday morning following a long weekend of travel might be a chance to ease back slowly into the dull gray world of Day Job mediocrity.

But when that morning is rife with backed-up emails written in office-y doublespeak, Post It note “reminders” placed on one’s monitor for maximum passive aggression, and nary a word of “Welcome back” or “How was your trip?”, one might be tempted to send an email such as the one below.

Feel free to copy, paste, and “Save as Draft” for a rainy day - OF RECKONING.

Dear Co-Workers,

As many of you probably know, today is my last day. But before I leave, I wanted to take this opportunity to let you know what a great and distinct pleasure it has been to type “Today is my last day.”

For nearly as long as I’ve worked here, I’ve hoped that I might one day leave this company. And now that this dream has become a reality, please know that I could not have reached this goal without your unending lack of support. Words cannot express my gratitude for the words of gratitude you did not express.

I would especially like to thank all of my managers: in an age where miscommunication is all too common, you consistently impressed and inspired me with the sheer magnitude of your misinformation. It takes a strong man to admit his mistake - it takes a stronger man to attribute his mistake to me.

Over the past three years, you have taught me more than I could ever ask for and, in most cases, ever did ask for. I have been fortunate enough to work with some absolutely interchangeable supervisors on a wide variety of seemingly identical projects - an invaluable lesson in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium.

Your demands were high and your patience short, but I take great solace knowing that my work was, as stated on my annual review, “mostly satisfactory.” That is the type of praise that sends a man home happy after even a 10 hour day, smiling his way through half a bottle of mostly satisfactory scotch.

And to most of my peers: even though we barely acknowledged each other within these office walls, I hope that in the future, should we pass on the street, you will regard me the same way as I regard you: sans eye contact.

But to those few souls with whom I’ve actually interacted, here are my personalized notes of farewell:

To Rudy: I will always remember sharing lunch with you, despite having clearly labeled it with my name.

To Steven: I will miss detecting your flatulence as much as you will clearly miss walking past my cubicle to deliver it.

To Eileen: Best wishes on your ongoing campaign to popularize these “email forwards.” I sincerely hope you receive that weekend full of good luck, that hug from an old friend, and that baby for your dusty womb.

To Felix: I left a new wristwatch on your desk. It is so that you might be able to still tell time even without your hourly phone call to let me know the copier is jammed. (Call Steven – he’ll come by.)

And finally, to Kat: you were right - I tested positive. We’ll talk later.

So, in parting, if I could pass on any word of advice to the individual who will soon be filling my position, it would be to cherish this experience like a sponge and soak it up like a good woman, because a job opportunity like this comes along only once in a lifetime.

Meaning: if I had to work here again in this lifetime, I would sooner kill myself.

Very truly yours,

Chris Kula

PS: I will be throwing myself a happy hour farewell party at the burnt-out bar in the sub-basement of the bus station. Please do not stop by.

yeah - what a tosser. I was privy to it a few days ago and suggested someone simply google a few of the cliched statements betting that it would have come straight off the net. No-one so stupid could be so eloquent and inventive….

I have the unfortunate habit of telling the truth and I have the uncanny ability can seeing where projects are going to run into snags, I tell the managers hoping the managers would be pleased to know this and search for a solution, yes I am a gullable 53 years old idealist. I still wonder why I have no friends or family who acknowledge my existence.You see I have just been suspended from a PGCE course because I told my school mentor that he was not IMHO doing a good job, but rather than the Uni or school look at my constructive critism it is much easier to suspend me because they can then go back to their king with no clothes imaginary world. Or is it me who is living in the real world hoping for an imaginary one. I hope not!

Yeah, the pinheads in my office used to eat my clearly labeled food too, until after I brought in my dog food pizza, clearly labeled as a sausage pizza. The next day it was gone, so I wrote an email to everyone, “Hope you liked my dog food pizza.” My boss was pretty pissed. Whaa haa hahahaha!

Wonderful… wish I would have had this when I was given the bum’s rush out of a major ISP’s tech support dept, which didn’t remove my permissions to post an all-staff until the next day. (They got my goodbye letter in quadruplicate, seems the form didn’t like my browser but sent it anyway…)

The white trash imbeciles at my former place of employment wouldn’t even understand half the letter, let alone pick up on its delicious humor. I have half a mind to send it to all of them, in spite of the fact that I left that godforsaken place six months ago. Yes, the bitterness and vitriol still course through my veins. I want karmic revenge, dammit!! Kudos on this - it made my day.

During my nearly six years here at Christie’s, I have come to conclude that farewell emails are a lot like those boring Academy Award speeches where they thank everyone under the sun. In these emails everyone just babbles on and on with the same old euphoric poppycock; read one, read ‘em all. Well, you won’t be able to include this email in that group.

And so it is really here before me; my departure from the ‘World’s Leading Art Business’ and all of its contaminated corporate splendor. I announce this without hesitation, or regret and I don’t expect that most of you to have already known I was leaving.

I would like to begin by expressing my appreciation for those I have worked with in the Photographs Department: Laura, Stuart, Sarah, Elizabeth and Ashley. The are the best and most dedicated in their field and I wish them continued success. I would also like to thank all of the dedicated Art Handlers and Attendants I have represented as Shop Steward - they are the backbone of the company and deserve everyone’s respect!

I feel it is best to quickly express my fondest appreciation for some of the endearing ideas that I have seen peddled around me: like how everyone seems to be replaceable, thinking outside of the box is liken to heresy, favoritism is thicker than water and speaking the truth gets you into trouble.

For the snakes in the grass that covertly sent the message a few years ago that I was being ‘perceived as a trouble maker’ and I that I should leave Christie’s – I thank you wholeheartedly for that uplifting gift.

A moment should be taken to note the optimism that once existed after we unionized only to see it squashed by a culture of harassment that has since permeated and fostered.

It would be shameless of me not to let the powers that be know my deep gratitude for eliminating most of the older Art Handlers internet access. God knows what treacherous and deviant websites you have kept us from visiting - thanks!

But most of all, I would like to thank this bold and majestic company for taking someone who actually liked the business – someone who could have seen themselves staying here, giving their all and making them feel totally miserable to the point where they had to send an email like this before they left.

Finally I would like to applaud the wonderful decision to install that brilliant new carpeting on the 5th & 6th floors and my dismay that I won’t see it completely installed…….