Kid Doctors, Kid Brothers and Kid Agents

There is no way that Doogie Howser could possibly have become a practicing doctor at any hospital in the world.

Time Warner cable added a new channel to their lineup this week. It’s called “Hub” or perhaps “The Hub.” It appears to be a network steered towards children, with kids shows and cartoons all day. But, at night, they deliver a power packed lineup of 1980’s goodness. An hour of Family Ties at 8, The Wonder Years at 9 then Doogie Howser, MD at 9:30.

On Monday night, they played the pilots of all three series. You could see how the creators of Family Ties expected it to be a show about two hippie parents raising kids in the 80’s. They had no idea that Michael J Fox would become the most famous star of the decade.

There’s not much that needs to be said about the first episode of the Wonder Years. Winnie Cooper turns hot, her brother dies in Vietnam and then she makes out with Fred Savage. Every second of it still works. To this day, I can’t hear “When A Man Loves A Woman” without thinking of that final scene. It’s the most perfect melding of music and moment in the history of television.

And now, we come to Douglas Howser, boy genius. Let me start by saying I find it completely plausible that a 16 year old with superior intellect could cruise through school, college and medical school. But, I don’t think that any self respecting hospital administrator would then hire this young man, no matter how brilliant, to treat patients. It would open the facility to both ridicule and, more importantly, legal ramifications should this young man make a mistake. I also think it would be disconcerting to anyone who checked into the hospital to be greeted by a teenager in scrubs. He should have spent the first 5 years of his career doing important medical research.

Also, how come Doogie Howser never saved his online journal entries. He would type the first half, stop, turn his head and have a thought, then finish up the entry with a tiny bit of knowledge gleaned from that week’s experience. And then, he would turn off his monitor and go to bed. The next day, Doogie would have a whole round of new experiences, come home at night and turn on the monitor to type his next entry. And there was nothing there. Blank screen. Where’s yesterday’s fortune cookie platitude? Come on producing team of Steven Bochco and David E Kelley. You’re better than that!

Oh, and Neil Patrick Harris looks like he’s 11 in that show.

Now that I’ve tackled that sacred cow of American culture, it’s time for me to take on another.

I don’t know how you feel, but I’ve always considered Terrell Owens to be a jerk and Chad Ochocinco to be a good natured clown who was just trying to keep everyone entertained. But, after reading the “Getting to Know You..” inset about the Bengals teammates, I came away with a slightly different impression. TO seems to be a gruff dude who does what he has to in order to excel on the field and doesn’t worry about off-field distractions. Ochocinco seems like a guy who eats McDonalds every day and is far more interested in being famous than being successful. And yes, I base these psychological profiles entirely on the answers these guys provided about each other to three basically stupid questions. I’m like a super smart combination of Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung.

Next, we turn our ire to a familiar target. I don’t listen to the Dan Patrick radio show, so I’m not completely familiar with his source material for these weekly SI entries. My main complaint is the little one liner printed in red at the bottom of the page. If the jokes selected are simply the funniest thing Dan said that week during an off the cuff moment on his show, then I apologize. But, it seems far more likely that these jokes are something he pours over every week, crafting draft after draft until he comes up with what he believes is the perfect one liner. AND THEY ARE NEVER EVER FUNNY!

Case in point:

The Yankees swept the Twins in the ALDS, which meant Carl Pavano has to return his mustache to John Stossel

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT???? Carl Pavano mustache jokes aren’t funny anymore. It’s been done to death. And John Stossel? The guy who used to report on 20/20 with Barbara Walters and Hugh Downs? What kind of reference is that? (Yes, I realize the inherent hypocrisy of criticizing someone for a dated reference after I wrote a page long referendum on the relative merits of Doogie Howser, MD. Fuck you.)

THE ARTICLES:

Worth The Wait by Tom Verducci

Taken as a whole, I really liked this article. Verducci has once again taken an “outside the box” view at what could have been a very run of the mill wrap up of the first round. By focusing on first time postseason players, he freshened that concept up considerable. Now, as far as the guys he profiled, they do not impress me.

First off, Brian Schneider:

“When we clinched [the NL East] in Washington, Ryan Howard made sure Roy and Mike [Sweeney] and I got the first bottles of champagne. Three veterans going to the playoffs for the first time. That was classy. We got our fingers on those corks and popped ’em open. All three of us at the same time.”

Roy Halladay is a future Hall of Famer. Mike Sweeney is a multiple time All Star and one of the sport’s confirmed good guys. You are a shitty backup catcher who probably won’t make it out of spring training next season. Don’t try to act like you’re all equals.

I have a similar complaint about Aubrey Huff. He complains about having to play for the expansion Devil Rays and never having a chance to win. But, when Huff was a free agent, where did he sign? Baltimore. No one who “wants to win” would sign in Baltimore. Also, nice job saying all you wanted in a team this time around was to avoid the Yankees and Red Sox. There’s nothing like a player who decides he wants to win, but only if he’s allowed to do it by walking in through the back door.

Million Dollar Maybes by Jim Trotter

Wow. Another really interesting piece. Fans don’t think about how hard it is to run a franchise when you’re constantly being forced to sign high priced rookies every year. A very insightful look into what prevents teams from crossing the bridge from have to have not.

The Gathering Storm by Peter King

OHMYGODWHOGIVESAFUCK?

Beat, Play, Love by Michael Rosenberg

The second comma in the title of this article, the one between play and love, is called an Oxford Comma, and it’s unnecessary. Much like the Harbaughs, I have a brother.

This article obviously got the most attention this week. But lost in all the stories about players confirming or denying whether or not they took money from Josh Luchs is one overriding fact: THIS GUY SEEMS LIKE A FUCKING RETARD! He just comes off like an uneducated starfucking goon who bit every hand that ever fed him. And Greg Townsend also comes off like an idiot. This guy hired a ballboy to be his agent, seemingly based on the sole qualification that the kid was willing to piss in a cup for him. In a related note, an Asian rub and tug massage parlor worker was recently named executor of Greg Townsend’s will.

Point After by Chris Ballard

I’ve made no secret of my feelings about Chris Ballard. He is my favorite Point After columnist. And he does a perfectly good job here writing about a kid who perservered through physical and mental issues to eventually run in a circle.