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Yea, yea. I’ll probably miss the first few minutes of the first quarter. I’m at this Christmas church thing Rose wanted me to go to. What? Wh—Jesus is really important to her. They’re just friends though, nothing serious. I’m kidding. No, I don’t think me being an atheist has anything to do with me being able to date this girl or not. She’s religious, I’m not, no big d— oh, no, I haven’t told her I don’t believe in god. Probably gonna hold off on that one for awhile. Well it’s not like I have anything against it, it just isn’t for me. Hey man, service is about to start. She’s here now. I gotta go. Yea, I’ll get there whenever this is over.

(hangs up)

Rose:

Hey, Grayson. I need to talk to you.

Grayson:

What’s up?

Rose:

Hey, I know this is short notice, but can I ask you a huge favor?

Grayson:

Of course.

Rose:

Well, I was talking to Mrs. Schultz, you know the little elderly woman over there?

Grayson:

(Almost to himself, looking in direction of Mrs. Schultz) There are a lot of Mrs. Schultzes over there.

Rose:

She just told me that the special speaker for the children’s time got sick and can’t tell them the Christmas Story. I remember you told me you worked with a lot of missions in the middle east and Africa and Asia and south America…and in central America, and then Canada and Greenland and Belgium.

Grayson:

Yea, well…

Rose: (interrupting Grayson)

And Michigan.

Grayson:

(Sighs) Yes. Yes, Jesus was on fire in all of those places. (Rose looks at Grayson, perplexed by the bizarre phrase.)

Rose:

Well, I told Mrs. Schultz about all your experience, and she thinks you’d be a great fill-in. I told her you’d be thrilled. You don’t mind, do you?

Grayson:

Pft, no. Of course not. I’m…psyched.

Rose:

OK, Just come this way, the class room is over here.

Grayson:

Jesus Christ, there are so many kids here.

(Rose glares at Grayson for using the Lord’s name in vain. Grayson sees this.)

Rose:

Grayson!

Grayson:

I mean, (As if addressing Jesus, looking to the sky.) Jesus Christ, there are so many kids here.

Rose:

(Speaks up to address the class) Okay everybody, this is Grayson. He’s going to tell you all the story of the birth of Jesus! Everybody pay attention. This is really important. Go ahead, Grayson.

Grayson:

So, hey kids! Merry Christmas! Yes, Christmas is a very old holiday. People have been celebrating Christmas for a long, long time. As we all know, Jesus is the reason for the season. He’s why we celebrate Christmas. Jesus was our gift from God, so, to be like god, we give each other gifts, like iPods and sunglasses. See? So Jesus is like God’s iPod—wait. Wait, no that isn’t right. Jesus is better than an iPod. All I want is to wake up to find Jesus under my tree on Christmas. Ah! No. No, not that. So—

So thousands of years ago, a (pauses to think, continues, unsure) paunchy pirate th—

Rose:

Pontius Pilate?

Grayson:

Yes! Pontius Pilate. A Pontius Pilate decided that he wanted to take a census. He needed to take a census because he was the best Pontius Pilate and the rest of the Pontius Pilates needed to add to their fleet. So, it was decreed that a census be taken to find the best possible Pontius Pilate in the land. But Jesus’s mom, Mary, and his father—(draws a blank) Jesus, senior—decided that they needed to get away, because piloting a Pontius is really, really dangerous.

Rose:

Grayson, I think you—I think you mean King Herod. King Herod ordered the census. Pontius Pilate was the man who ordered Jesus’s crucifixion.

Grayson:

(Epiphany) Oooh. King Harold.

Rose:

Herod.

Grayson:

Harold?

Rose:

Herod.

Grayson:

(Unsure) King…Harold.

Rose:

Herod!

Grayson:

So, wait, are you saying it wrong or am I?

Rose:

What? You’re saying it wrong, Grayson. You are.

Grayson:

(Whimsically suspicious) Are you sure?
Rose:

Yes, I’m sure.

Grayson:

B—

Rose:

Sure. I’m absolutely, one hundred percent positive.

Grayson:

Fair enough. King Herod.

(Rose sighs, defeated)

So then, Jesus and his family hide out in a barn for a really, really long time, surviving by eating hay and drinking rain water. Really Jane Goodall and all that.

(Looks to back of house as if a someone is asking a question) Yes, young man, you have a question? (pauses) Who is Jane Goodall? Jane Goodall was the woman who lived among the gorillas for a few years to understand their ways—much like Jesus lived amongst us for several years to understand our ways. Gorillas aren’t as smart as us, though, so they couldn’t build a cross to put Jane on. Lucky for her, right kids? The answer is yes, she was very lucky. I’ll go on.

Now, the night Jesus was born, an angel appeared to three shepherds. The angel told the shepherds about Jesus and the barn. The shepherds really wanted to see a baby that could eat hay, so they told all their flocks to “stay,” and went on to see the hay eating baby. It would be a Christmas day miracle. (Clasps his hands together warmly and surveys the children, smiling.) At the same time, three magicians were doing tricks in a wood shed when an angel came to them too. The angel told the magicians that it had also come to a group of shepherds, and that kind of hurt the magicians’ feelings. “Wait, why did you talk to them first?” the magicians asked. One of the magicians was crying. This made the angel a little uncomfortable, but he answered them. “Well, it was just easier. If I had come here first, it would have taken me way out of my way.” The magicians didn’t understand this. The angel told them of his route. The magicians told him that if he had taken the toll way instead of the highway he could have saved ten or fifteen minutes and got to the magicians first.

The angel thanked them for their advice and then said unto them: (in a booming “angel” voice) “A child is born who is the Christ, but his friends call him Jesus.” The magicians were frightened and they trembled before the angel, because they weren’t totally sure if they were on a friend level with Jesus or not. They didn’t want to offend the Christ with informal behavior—calling him “Jesus,” before it was appropriate—so they decided to win Jesus over they’d bring him presents. Each magician brought him a present. They brought him gold, myrrh, and Frankincense, the—Is there a question? (Motioning to the back) Yes, you. (pauses) That’s a good question. Frankincense is the plural of Frankenstein. They brought him several Frankincense. Understand? And all these Frankincense the magicians brought would soon become the men known as Jesus’s disciples.

Rose:

What?!

(GRAYSON holds his hand out to ROSE, steadying her. He continues.)

Grayson:

Please save your questions for after the story, Rose.

The Shepherds and the magicians both asked the angel the same question: “But how will we know where the barn is?” The angel told them to look to the sky, that a great star hung there that would guide them to the Jesus barn. “Wow,” they all said. “Wow.” One magician stepped forward and asked the angel if they would need sleeping bags. “Yes,” the angel responded. Another asked if they should pack for three or more days. The angel said “yes.” Finally, the third stepped forward and asked if the angel could just give them a ride or something. The angel looked down on the magicians, and all of a sudden, an expression of terrible wonderment appeared on his face and he pointed behind them. They all turned to see what the angel was looking at. There was nothing there. When they turned back around, the angel was flying away, and all could hear his mischievous laughter echoing through the dark night.

So the three magicians and the three shepherds set out to find the barn. They eventually crossed paths and decided to unite. To unite and form a fellowship. The fellowship of the King. The six walked bravely through the lands of…(lost on what country this all occurs in)…the land of…(mixing up the names to sound ambiguous) Jerusalemnazarethbethlehemrometexas. They had to fight harsh terrain, harsh weather, and harsh language from that one shepherd with the drinking problem and all the body odor.

Finally, they came upon the barn. It stood proudly on the great…hill. The magicians said “We must go first to give him our gifts.” The shepherds responded “Wait, were we supposed to bring gifts? Can we just give him money?” They all got (using baby talk kind of voice)veeeery nervous that Jesus would banish them aaaall to Hell. Hell is where all the mean people go. But Jesus didn’t banish them to Hell, because they were sincere in their desire to see him eat hay and he trusted them that they would never, ever put it on YouTube.

Jesus wants us all go to Heaven so we can hang out with him for eternity. Jesus likes to party. (very serious) Jesus. Likes. To party. BYOB. Thank you, kids.

Rose:

What was that?!

Grayson:

What was what?

Rose:

That story!

Grayson:

Oh that old thing!

Rose: (Stands, staring at Grayson, waiting for him to continue. He does not.)

Well?

Grayson:

Well what?

Rose:

Grayson! You told me you had done mission work all over the world! You should know this story like the back of your hand.

Grayson:

And I do!

Rose:

First off, you said that Pontius Pilate was a pilot that flew Pontiuses. What is a Pontius? Did you really think they had aircraft in 2,000 bc? Then, you said the “magicians,” who were actually magii or wise men, brought Jesus a bunch of Frankensteins and that those Frankensteins became the twelve disciples! You said that Jesus was born in Jerusalemnazarethbethlehemrometexas, which doesn’t exist, and you capped it all off by saying that Jesus requires everybody to bring their own booze to his party.

Grayson:

(Feebly)

He wants everyone to share.

Rose:

Grayson!

Grayson:

(Struggles to find his words) Okay. I don’t know the story.

Rose:

How do you not know the story?

Grayson:

I’m an atheist. I was raised an atheist. I faked being a Christian because you seemed really into the whole religion thing and I really like you. All I know about the birth story is what I’ve picked up second hand through the years.

(Rose seems amused)

Grayson:

What? What’s funny?!

Rose:

Grayson, I’m agnostic!

Grayson:

Egg-nog-stic? What, are you a worshiper of seasonal dairy-based beverages? (Winks at Rose, proud of his corny joke) You get it? Because people drink egg nog…(Rose stares back, face like slate.) Sorry. You’re agnostic—please continue.

Rose:

Yea, I’m just not sure if there’s a god or not. So I’m hedging my bets with all this church stuff. I figure if when I die I find out there is a God, maybe He’ll give me participation points.

Grayson:

Participation points?

Rose:

Yea, like, in kindergarten when you’d get a ribbon on field day just for competing. I’m hoping that kind of thing happens when I die. Like god will just look at me, knock me on the chin a little, call me a knuckle head and let me stay in the low-rent section of heaven.

Grayson:

That seems like a gross distortion of the Christian ethos.

Rose:

It absolutely is, but it gets me through the day. We should probably get out of here before the parents arrive. And I should probably start looking for a new church. You want to go look at Christmas lights or something?

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What is an Awesosome? What? You don’t know? Yes you do. You HAVE to know. No…come now, no need for tears. Wait…oh god, put that down! NO!

—Citation above for police report.

March 16, 2009, discovery of the very rare, but very REAL Awsosome.

An Awesosome is a biological organism that will not only give you a viral infection but will kick your ass and steal your girlfriend. It will not respect your personal space, and you won’t mind. The Awesosome is so cool, it actually poses when it’s on a slide.

Some (Katie McCann) might tell you that the birth of the Awesosome was the result of me mistyping the word “awesome.” This is a bald faced lie. If she tells you this, don’t listen. She’s a bald faced liar. Listen to a guy with some hair on his face. Listen to this guy:

Listen.

The Awesosome is a real-life biological organism, roughly the size of a white blood cell…but only if it wants to be. The Awesosome also has enough drive to improve itself and make changes in its life. It can get a job, a wife, or a gun– but believe me, you don’t want it to have a gun. Awesosomes are crack shots. They have been found at the site of “Awesome” events (signing of the Constitution, invention of the hot dog, my birth), but scientists have yet to discover whether or not the Awesosomes are a result of the event, or the event a result of the Awesosome. When asked for comment, the Awesosome replied “It’s whatever,” then took a drag off his microscopic cigarette and sped away.

Before I go any further, I’m going to show you a photograph of a real awesosome:

Not included in picture: magnum, motorcycle, rockin' theme music and harem of hot, single-cell bitches.

Yea. See that? Jeez. Awesosomes are a key ingredient in the bacteria cultures used to create whiskey, or, as Webster’s defines it (kind of): “The most badass of badass drinks. Whiskey is also referred to as ‘gasoline for hardasses.’ It keeps the pistons of awesome pumping at full capacity.” Wow. That’s impressive. That’s whiskey. That’s an Awesosome.

Awesosomes have also been found creating colonies on leather jackets, pairs of Kyle Irion’s Levi’s, and various types of electric guitars. Not this one.

Awesosomes are now being used for medicinal purposes. Mainly for those who are what the medical profession terms as “Ugly. Stanky Ass Ugly.” Here’s an example of a success story:

*Results not typical

Yes. Yes it is true. That was me. That was how I lived my life–some idiot on the sidewalk with a stupid t shirt on, looking off at something like a douche. How embarrassing. Then, I started my Awesosome treatment and look! LOOK AT THOSE TIRES! LOOK AT THE PART IN MY HAIR! Look at how Gatsby I am.

The Awesosome has been found on the remains of some of America’s greatest heroes. Men such as George Washington, Theodore Roosevelt, Michael Jordan, that kid from Jerry Maguire, Willie Nelson, and Steve Carrell have all been tested for Awesosomes. All have had them.

You ever write a blog and just feel like posting the damn thing half way through? Of course you don’t. You don’t understand the plight of the writer. Not everybody can have a bl…*covers microphone* wait, anybody can…? Well that doesn’t make any sense, why would the inter… oh. All right. *uncovers microphone* Well, my producer has just informed me that you can, in fact, blog about crap too. But you probably shouldn’t. It breaks your heart. It absorbs your life. It forces you to constantly ask your friends infuriating questions such as “Hey man, have you read the latest one?” You do however, get the priceless skill of learning to not look disappointed when people seem indifferent to your (obvious) creative brilliance. God. What am I talking about? I’m sorry. I’m watching the Today show and reading celebrity Twitters. Ok, I’m wrappin’ this shit up. Bye everybody.