~ Making Meaning, Making Soul

Monthly Archives: October 2014

Who are some of the “muddy angels” (to use Dr. Estes’ phrase) in your life —- people who you wouldn’t say are exactly people you want to emulate, but people who nevertheless cause you to think about soul? People who might inspire you by their bad examples, or by just one or two aspects of their character? Who was/is outrageous, but makes you happier to be a human being? Who would never be canonized as a “saint,” but still is someone who inspires you to let your soul shine? List them or image them or their influence in your life.

For the months of November and December, I invite you to join me in exploring soul themes in visual journalling. My plan is to daily post brief prompts that we can all explore in our journals, whether you write or image or both. If you can invest 10 minutes each day playing in your journals, my intention is to pique thought processes that will then surrender into color, mixed media, poetry or prose. If you can invest longer, then I can assure you that the soul and psyche will respond generously to gentle curiousity and a form in which to be expressed.

In order not to miss any of the prompts, please consider subscribing to my blog. Also, please share this with any of your friends who might be interested or curious, with those who already keep diaries, journals or notebooks, with any friends who are writers or artists.

How do we follow soul rather than persona or ego? How can we understand what’s within us, ready to come to consciousness? How do we come to know what we don’t yet know that we know? This is not a how-to course, but a series of thought-provoking questions your soul might like to play with.

Requirements: minimally, paper and something to make a mark with. Most of you will want a journal or sketchbook (nothing fancy is needed, though the Strathmore Visual Journal holds up to all the paint, collage, water and tears that you can throw at it!), a reliable black pen or marker, and some way to apply color. For color I recommend any or all of some acrylic or craft paints in a short rainbow of basic colors, including white; a set of watercolor paints; and/or a set of watercolor pencils.

Give some thought as to where you will journal each day, whether you want your supplies to be portable (at the coffeeshop, anyone?) or if you want to dedicate a corner of a table or desk at home to house your supplies. Make it as easy as possible to turn to. Also think about how private you want this to be: is it okay if your family looks over your shoulder every now and then, or do you definitely NOT want anyone else to see this, at all, ever? If you desire absolute privacy, do not leave your journal where curious eyes may find it; you may want to journal away from home while on your daily errands or at work, then keep your journal and supplies in an innocuous bag in your purse or car.

As far as possible, set yourself up for success!

If you want to share, send me a link in the comments, or to my email at catcharissage [at] gmail [dot] com. I regret that I’m not set up at the moment to add media to the comments.

I sincerely hope that this will be an inspiration and gentle adventure.

Here is my “Prayer of the Muddy Bodhisattva” and poem to go with it. I really believe that if we can look into our Shadow, both dark and golden, and embrace and love those parts of ourselves, then we can be so much happier, and bring much more clear and positive energy into the world.

The story of the red dove is that on my birthday, Sept. 29, I had a dream where the only image was a red dove walking towards me on the ground. I knew that it had to do with some sort of soul energy, and the red had to do with not only passion and devotion, but with a certain amount of experience in the bloodiness of life. Things are sometimes hard, and we sweat, and shed, blood. A few days later I awoke with the knowledge that the red dove should lift off and fly, in my painting, and that’s just what I did.

A reader’s comment sparked a thought that there is something that I should perhaps write about more specifically: it can sound like I keep wanting the same things, i.e., more time to write, be silent, and do art, but it can seem that I might not be doing enough to make it happen. If it sounds like this, it has more to do with the purpose of my blog than with whether or not I actually make things happen in my life — or in this case, not happen. In my blog, I want to encourage those who have challenges amidst a complex life, where conventional time management or self management plans won’t work because there is too much that is out of our control. For me, that’s my dear body primarily, but it also includes my son’s education and the “unexpected’s” of his transition into adulthood.

In fact, I am making progress in carving out time for my depth dimension avocations, and can now invest hours of each day rather than only ten minutes at a time. Yet ten minutes is better than no minutes, and for many people, we have to start with just the ten minutes. Even though I’m making progress, of course it doesn’t feel like fast-enough progress, and it’s not just dealing with time and commitment issues, but with deep seated psychological resistances to things that seem to me (incorrectly) to be selfish or a waste of time. In my work with people, though, I know that I’m not alone in this. There are often myriad and complex reasons why we don’t do what it seems that we want and can do.

In my blog, I want to illustrate some of how I deal with those things, as an example and encouragement to others who may have similar challenges. I always tell the truth here, while at the same time not necessarily describing all the details.

How can we come to know what we don’t yet know about ourselves? That’s one of the questions which has always fascinated me. How do we raise our own consciousness, as well as help others raise theirs? I know I’ve found several ways. Unfortunately, none of them promises instant enlightenment.

Over the years, my relationship with to-do lists has been fraught, as I’m sure some of you have also experienced. For much of my life, I have felt such need to accomplish things that on really bad days, I added “Get up” and “Get dressed” to my daily list, just so that I could check off something! Now, my lists are things or ideas that I don’t want to lose or forget, things or ideas that I can record in my “extended brain” rather than having to carry them around in my head all the time. David Allen, the author of time management classic Getting Things Done, says your mind is for having ideas, not holding them. By using my calendar and my lists as brain extensions, it frees me up to be totally present to whatever I’m doing, trusting that I haven’t forgotten something important.

This is my best use of these Brain Extenders: when I remember that the items on the lists are only reminders of ideas that I have had, then I don’t think of them as things I have to do (or else!!) In this way, my little black book is a tool for freedom, not an authority in itself chastising me for not getting enough done. When I have the ideas written down in one place, I can then mindfully choose which will become commitments to myself or others, which will be “maybe’s,” and which I will let go.

How do you use to-do lists? Are they helpful and freeing, or do they sit there and accuse you of laziness or incompetence? When much of your life is not under your direct control, can they be a tool for you in living a deeper, more mindful life?

I have a little black book I call “Book of Magnificent Possibilities,” but it’s really devolved into my “Book of Dreaded To-Do’s.” It’s full of the “Call the insurance company about the higher car rate,” “Make appointment with eye doctor,” “Pick up socks at WalMart” — that sort of thing. There’s also the “Organize my life,” “Organize Liberty’s life,” and “Figure out how to get more quality sleep” items that are not so much tasks, but full-fledged long term projects.

Over the years I’ve used tiny calendars, 5 x 8 in. Daytimers, and 8 1/2 by 11 in. Franklin-Covey planners: two-page a day, lots of dividers for different types of to-do lists, complete with pencil case and outside zipper! Calendars and planners have definitely been my toys of choice. Now I just have a family calendar on the kitchen counter, plus my little black book of to-do lists.

Well, just before my birthday on Sept. 29th, I lost that little black book. I NEVER lose my to-do lists or calendars. I’ve lost my driver’s license once, but never my planners! (Sometimes I can be disgustingly efficient —- but for a coping mechanism in life, this has at least been a useful one!) I searched everywhere, called every place I’d been in the past week. Nothing.

Now, you know how much I love analyzing dreams. When unusual life circumstances take hold, I’ve also looked at those life events as though they were dreams, and wondered if there might be any messages I’m trying to tell myself. So, if you dreamed that you’d lost all of your to-do lists, what might that mean for you???

Uh, duh! For months I’ve been aching for more time to write, paint, read — all those depth-dimension activities that don’t pay any bills nor get the “to-do’s” done. Unfortunately, there’s a part of me that labels those depth-dimension activities as selfish and time-wasting, as a shallow businessman might label art as a waste of time and public resources, and look with derision upon those “creative types.” I’d been unconsciously prioritizing going to the dollar store to get those little dish scrubbies that have handles, over bringing into form some inner vision of compassion and wisdom seeking. (Those 40% off coupons from Michael’s Craft Stores could be the death of me unless I smarten up!)

As much as I’ve worked to detoxify my psyche from judgements that are just plain wrong, we are all saturated in our cultural values and generations of “thou shalt not” messages. I’d like to hope that by the time I’m an old woman I’ll be “my own man”, to use a metaphor that in fact makes a woman invisible, but likely I’ll be separating the poison from the treasure all of my life. I know that one of the most important things we can do in our human lives is to create more consciousness and develop more inner freedom. This allows us to nurture love and liberty in all those within our reach. In my wiser moments I know that the best way to do that is to engage in all those depth dimension activities.

If I’d only dreamed that I’d lost my to-do lists rather than actually doing so in “real” awake life, I might not have pondered this for the days that I have. (The book did show up a week later.)

LOSE THE TO-DO LISTS, Cat!! Spend, no, INVEST what time you can into the things that might really last, the things that are really worthy of what little time you may have to do them. Even 10 minutes within the midst of other worthy commitments is something that can help create a richer, deeper, more compassionate world.

In my last post, I talked about how when one is in a challenging situation, sometimes it’s necessary to let go of the constant striving to find “The Solution.” I also described how difficult it is when the mindset of someone around us has a different timing or opinion as to how we might best manage our challenges. When one is struggling to keep head above water, sometimes it’s just too exhausting and painful to keep trying to find the one more thing that might help.

Yet —- there’s no accounting for hope. When I let go of constant striving I almost always feel some optimism and hope rise within. It’s a relaxation into what is, within and around me, and so, so often, it’s good. I realize that my particular challenge, huge as it might be, is not the totality of my life. Minimally, I’ve been born into enough prosperity to have basic needs well met. Even the frustration I spoke about before when friends offer suggestions that don’t fit at this time — well, isn’t it really wonderful that we have people around us who love and care and who want us to be at our best? They are seeing suffering and want to alleviate it, and that’s about as poignantly human and compassionate as it gets in life. How wonderful to be able to witness that!

You truly never know what will happen next. Anything can happen, and does. Sometimes I can nurture my mind and soul to allow new ideas to grow and unfold; other times lightning seems to strike out of the blue to light up a new path, or way of thinking. My big time surprise: finding myself pregnant at 39 years old, years after letting go of becoming a mother. Another big time gift: almost two years ago now, as November, then December brought shorter and colder days, and a new season of fearing that I might slip on the ice came around, I realized that I was slipping into a depression. I needed something, but my days were already full. A few days later, seemingly out of the blue, I remembered a woman whom I had met at Dr. Estes’ trainings. I looked up Shiloh Sophia McCloud on the web, and my totally unexpected and unplanned-for art making began. My heart jumped at her images, and I found the color I’d been looking for. And unexpected bonus: I don’t hurt when I paint. It’s not just that I don’t pay attention to the pain I might have; it’s that after a few minutes of starting painting I actually don’t hurt. (So why don’t I paint all the time?? Good question! I’m working on it. . . )

Other days I will notice just how my spirit soars when I relax into a meditation. Or I bump into a book in my study (there’s lots of piles of books to bump into), and find a quote or a poem that assures me that I’ve found my place in the family of things. (See Mary Oliver, Wild Geese.)

Or I remind myself that I have choices in what books I pick up and what youtube videos I might open up. And then I intentionally turn my attention to beauty, and am surprised once again at the abundance around me.

Even the most unpoetic rationalist has to agree that chance itself will offer a percentage of good things in our future. On difficult days I remember that I don’t have to be an optimist to believe that. Then I keep my eyes open to see what happens next. And at least a lot of the time, it’s good. So good.

What have been some of your unexpected graces? When has the unexpected been so good for you? I’d love to hear.

May all your days be bright, especially the rainiest,

With love, Cat

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