July 10, 2013

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Rookie is an online magazine and book series for teenagers. Each month, a different editorial theme drives the writing, photography, and artwork that we publish. Learn more about us here, and find out how to submit your work here!

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Katherine

Going on vacation makes me feel like my organs have crawled out of my body and my skin is tightening around what’s left. I spent most of last week in my bedroom with the lights off. My brother would periodically look in and be all, “You’re depressing me.” I wouldn’t react.

We were on a family trip to Georgia. I walked on the beach with my dad one night and felt spiritual communion with a ghost crab. We are both nocturnal, pale, and unpleasant. Hello little weirdie, I thought to the crab. It didn’t react.

The final night we were there, my brother called me while riding his bike. “Do you want to trespass?” he asked. Three minutes later I was on my dad’s bike. We rode down a thin path, Davis leading the way with a flashlight, me pedaling behind, trying to see the outlines of the path and the trees. Every so often I would brush against bushes or find myself having veered into the grass. If it were any darker out I would have felt I was pedaling in place. After a while, I saw a light up ahead. The path had taken us to a road that was enclosed by a ribcage-like canopy of trees. There was more light there, and I could make out dead possum and clumps of grass that lay limp and mute on the road. Everything else was screaming: frogs and my breath and the wind if I turned my head to the side.

We turned off the road into a driveway, parked our bikes facing the road, and walked around a concrete wall and up to the incomplete mansion. There was a patio with an infinity pool, and beyond that a black marsh. We got in the pool and talked about how we wished someone else was there with us. I held my brother while he floated. I walked him around in circles until I was hypnotized. I asked him to do the same for me so I could look at the stars, and he said I sound like a bad short story. He sounded like a TV show that acts self-aware but actually has no idea what it is—even though he is nothing like that.

The next day I listened to a flight attendant try to be clever with her safety speech. When I got home, it was like nothing happened. ♦

Oh Naomi! Please do whatever you feel most comfortable with. I do think that’s something we all deal with in waves. I remind myself that there are so many degrees of separation: the difference between what I feel and what I write, the difference between what I write and what people actually read, the difference between what people read and what they take away from it. You’re so right when you say it’s out of your control — but it’s that way for anyone who creates anything, or even anyone who SAYS anything to even like their MOM, so you’re not alone.

At times it feels worth the worry and at times it doesn’t. Decide for yourself and know you can always change your mind. You always have a place here, you know that. <3

I agree with this completely! Feelings and stuff aren’t ‘always’ entities, they are obnoxiously temporary, and no matter how much you want to force yourself to feel the way you once did, it will never be just like that. Which is why you should never quit until you’re positive that’s a ‘forever’ feeling. And especially a person with anexity, which PASSES. These ‘eyes’ your feeling hit in waves like Tavi said- this one I know first hand. *SIDE NOTE this doesn’t mean you have to enter every entry with the thought ‘get over it, these people don’t want to hear you whine’, because that’s also not true.. We like to hear what you’re thinking, so you shouldn’t sensor, I’m just saying the whole time I read this, I thought ‘NOOOOOO, DON’T QUIIIIT!!’ <3

Oh my gosh! I can understand feeling weird about posting because it can feel worthless or fake or impostor-y and that whole syndrome is such a foggy, cloudy, molasses-y mess to deal with. I really hope you continue to trek on through it, or take a break and come back if you need it! Just, please continue doing these! Rookie Mag is the first thing I’ve found in so long where I feel like there’s a brimming, vibrant creative energy! Please continue! & KEEP ON TRUCKING! <3

Caitlin, your illustrations are so amazing. Not just this one but all of them. When I first saw the one for this week, I thought it looked chaotic and couldn’t really understand what was going on with all the colours and shapes. But then when I looked again and I realized that it perfectly represented going out dancing and I think it also looks really cool. I think you’re very talented and creative. And I looked at your blog and it’s pretty cool too. Please continue doing what you do!

Britney- Oh god I’m totally on the same page with you. It’s weird, because I’m not really sad or have been sitting around or thinking about a boy, but you’ve still managed to capture the essence of summer’s bittersweet feelings. I hope I meet you sometime in the future (being a Brooklyn, public school kid myself, only a grade younger, it seems likely?).

Definitely! It’s a small world, after all. But I’m glad that I was able to do that! It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while now. Before summer began I really idealized it but now that it’s finally here, I’m happy for the freedom but I’m also just like, “….What now?”

Britney, my summer is just as boring. I have celiac and am stuck in the house with a stomach ache, eating Gluten Free Gushers and watching The Golden Girls. Definitely not the stereotypical high jinks teen summer :P

naomi – here’s hoping you feel better soon, and that you realize what a huge inspiration you and your writing are to us rookie readers. please don’t stop writing!

katherine – woo, georgia (my home state). also, i completely understand the feeling about vacation. it turns me into a moody vegetable that throws cheetos at anyone who tries to get within 20 feet of me. glad you had an adventure with your brother though. beautiful entry!

britney – i find that summer often brings back unwelcome nostalgia. when your brain isn’t as occupied it tends to wander into places you’d prefer it didn’t go. i hope you enjoy the remainder of the season though, and happy birthday!

Naomi, as someone who has very low self esteem and cares a lot about what others think of me I can relate to you. But KEEP WRITING don’t let those people stop you from doing something love! You are an amazing writer xxx

Naomi, I completely understand your want for some distance between your writing-life and your “real” life. I hate not knowing how much of an opinion people already have about me before I meet them. Sometimes when I’m with people it seems like I spend the entire time either trying to re-create myself for them, or break out of the box they made for me.

Really, though, I wanted to comment mainly to tell you that your diaries are my favorite thing on Rookie. I’m not exactly a Rookie veteran (I started reading sometime late fall I think), and the diaries were some of the first pieces I read. Everytime I read one of yours I felt like I connected with you so much– we don’t have identical issues or feelings, but having someone to relate to made my world a little brighter during what was a particularly rough year for me.
Whatever your decision, thank you for being so personal in your writing :)