97.5 the Fanatic

NBC Sports Philadelphia and 97.5 the Fanatic announced yesterday that Mike Missanelli will be the host of an afternoon show on NBC Sports Philadelphia beginning in 2018. According to a tweet from the station, NBC Sports Philadelphia will simulcast Missanelli’s show each afternoon and will be followed by Philly Sports Talk at 5 p.m.

In related news, I’m very much looking forward to reading NBC Sports Philadelphia’s February 2018 press release about the show being cancelled.

Why? WHY? WHYYYYYYYYYYY is this needed on television? Were fans of Mike Missanelli’s radio show clamoring to see his gigantic noggin on their television screen every afternoon? Isn’t that one of the positives to listening to Missanelli,? You don’t have to look at him? I’m pretty sure that was one of the station’s taglines for his show….”Listen to the Mike Missanelli show every afternoon on 97.5 the Fanatic…at least you don’t have to look at him.”

Is there anyone better suited for this position than myself? A blogger with absolutely no experience producing radio programming? A former glue sniffing addict with nothing but a shoddy professional journalism background to lean on? I SUBMIT TO YOU THAT THERE IS NOT.

Sure, I know some employees at the station have recently called me a “coward” and a “joke” on social media, but when I’m the program director they’ll soon learn the meaning of respect through my patented managerial technique of childish name calling and intermittent, girlish sobbing in the men’s room.

I do know that the station needs more discipline. Do you think anyone is going to be taking time off from work to hang out in something called the Meatlocker? NOT ON MY WATCH, YOU AIN’T. That’s valuable Twitter poll publishing time, amigo.

I get it, though. I really do. I’m not deaf to my critics.

They said, “Hey, you tear down, but you never build up. You’re always criticizing, but never offering any solutions. And you’re incredibly handsome and talented, so we’re really just saying all of these mean things out of jealousy.”

You know what? They’re absolutely right. I don’t revel in anyone losing their position at the station, but this is a great opportunity to do some good. I can’t be a blogger for the rest of my life.

This is a chance to work alongside some of the greats in the sports talk radio industry, like…well, no, Tony Bruno isn’t there anymore…but, well, ummm…well it’s a chance to work in the industry!

IT’S TIME TO BE PART OF THE SOLUTION INSTEAD OF CONSTANTLY BEING PART OF THE PROBLEM.

I am going to take that studio by the horns and mold it into my own unique image. I’ll be a benevolent, kind ruler, doling out wisdom to the peons worthy of my ruminations as they grovel at my feet and I smite my enemies.

Let’s see what the position entails and why I’m the perfect applicant:

Look who has come crawling to the Coggin on their hands and knees, practically BEGGING for an infusion of talent for their dying station. Our tipsters forwarded this job opening to us this morning….you think you could keep something as huge as this quiet without us knowing, Fanatic? We see all…we are all.

I weep for those who plan to send in an application. The job is mine. Case closed. Can you imagine The Coggin infiltrating the 97.5 Fanatic offices? Mike Missanelli will be cowering under my boot heels within the hour.

I would hold the very position Rob Ellis once held….OH SWEET IRONY. One host a spineless, jellyfish of a man and the other a human dynamo with overflowing charisma and fabulous hair…fathers lock up your daughters, no pair of panties will go unsoaked as I strut to the studios every afternoon (I apologize profusely to any woman who had to read that last sentence).

Much like the leaflets dropped on Dresden prior to its firebombing (timely reference) I’m giving everyone at 97.5 the Fanatic fair warning that I will be applying for the position and I will be hired. Don’t like it? TAKE IT UP WITH MANAGEMENT. I’ll rule the station with an iron fist, but I will be a benevolent ruler. Anyone ever hear of a little something called Wacky Hat Wednesday?

In 1969, Elizabeth Kubler published her seminal book on death and dying, titled…err…”On Death and Dying,” which first put forth the idea of the “Five Stages of Grief.” While working with terminally ill patients, Kubler observed that patients typically traveled through “five stages” after being diagnosed with a terminal illness.

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance have become the widely accepted stages of terminally ill patients and has been expanded to people going through traumatic or life changing events. While the stages may be different for each individual, the theory has proven to be a valuable tool in helping those coping with tremendous stress and anxiety in their lives.

Sounds like an Eagles fan to me.

After years of great wailing and gnashing of teeth watching the Eagles flounder through season after season, I’ve identified the classic five stages every fan experiences watching one of the most inept franchises in the NFL fuck its way through lost season after lost season.

In a stunning programming decision this afternoon, veteran midday host Rob Ellis has been let go by 97.5 the Fanatic after several years of service to the sports talk station. Ellis notified his listeners at the conclusion of today’s show, explaining that it would be his last with the Fanatic and his co-host Harry Mayes.

It did not take long for the station to find his replacement, as 97.5 the Fanatic station representatives officially announced that an old Breakfast on Broad coffee mug would be Ellis’s permanent replacement for the midday show.

The mug’s last hosting duties included a brief guest host spot on Ellis’s Comcast Sports Network morning show when Ellis was out sick with the flu for a week. The show experienced its highest ratings during the mug’s guest hosting spot.

“We feel the mug will allow us to put forth the best programming we can for our listeners,” 97.5 the Fanatic Program Director Matt Nahigan told the Coggin Toboggan.

The show will go on hiatus for the next week with the mug taking on full hosting duties Monday, July 24.

An ice shelf the size of Delaware broke itself off from Antarctica yesterday, scientists at the Swansea University-led Midas project confirmed, releasing a gigantic iceberg twice the size of Luxembourg into the surround waters.

Theories of the ice shelf’s disintegration over the past decades have been discussed leading global representatives, but the Swansea University Midas project scientists confirmed this morning that the shelf purposefully broke itself off the frigid continent after overhearing an asinine sports talk segment from the local Philadelphia 97.5 the Fanatic sports talk station.

The environmental disaster has been placed firmly at the feet of 97.5 the Fanatic, its midday host Mike Missanelli, and it’s poor choice of show programming.

The beast of hell walks among us in the clothes of a common man. If the demon should reveal its true face to you at a time when you have turned away from Christ, then you will be without protection, & it will gleefully devour your heart & rend you limb from limb & carry your immortal soul into the yawning pit.

I have foreseen how I will die. I have had a vision of my undoing. An overweight, out of touch jowly man and his sniveling, bland, milquetoast toadie disembowel me while opining about the shortcomings of the millennial generation.