While not hugely successful, we did get about 100 votes on the poll, so that does at least make it an easy number to work with! I have had a lot of fun putting this together in the last couple of weeks. Let me begin by thanking our readers for participating, because of your help, my ‘theoretical’ fourth part was able to become reality, so I really couldn’t have done it without you! Now, onto the results!

For the ‘yes or no’ question about making a consistent, conscious effort to raise your pain threshold being important to you or not, a resounding 70% of us said ‘Yes!’

50% of us say we would tell our partners to stop what they were doing between 8, 9 , and 10, with 8 being ‘much more pain than pleasure’, and 10 being no pleasure at all, only pain! We really do like it rough!

In question one, I asked about your pain threshold in regard to what you say it was during your first BDSM experience involving pain. 6 and 7, respectively, were the most popular answers. In the second question, I asked where you consider your threshold to be right now, at this moment, and 8 and 7 were the most popular, respectively. It turns out 56 of us were at a ‘5 or under’ on the ‘pain subjectiveness’ scale when we started, and only 28 of us now consider ourselves to be at a 5 or under. So, roughly a little more than 25% of us seem to have had a significant increase in our pain threshold, while 70% of us make an effort to raise it. Are we doing anything wrong? I highly doubt it. There wasn’t any way for me to work in more variables, such as, ‘how long you have been in the lifestyle to begin with’, and, ‘do you participate regularly in sessions involving pain’, as I think this would have allowed for explanations as to why or why not our pain threshold is stagnant or growing. I think also, it may be likely that those in long term relationships with their partners might have an ‘easier time’, if you will, working on their pain thresholds, on account of things like experience with one person regularly, and just being plain comfortable enough to be able to ‘let go’. That is just my opinion though, and I wish I could have included things like that. Maybe PollDaddy will add some new formats and features or something, and I may be able to do it in the future.

This may raise more questions than answer them, and I suppose any scientific study worth its weight garners more questions than answers at the end, haha! Within those results, however, is something to be proud of I think. Since 7 and 8 were the most popular answers for ‘right now’ thresholds, and most of us have to ‘stop’ at 8, 9, or 10, this means we are, in fact being very open and honest with our communication in regards to how much pain we can bear. Good for us for living up to our own standards and practicing what we preach! Now, go give yourself a nice pat on the back……..or a flogging, whatever you prefer, since its all just subjective anyhow…..

If your interested in the research that brought this piece to its conclusion, just read these first two articles about Pleasure, Pain, and Science. The poll is actually still open, so it might be fun to see if it evolves over time and any averages change. Hope you enjoyed, and thanks for reading!

We are thinking long term for ASI and what our goals are as a company. Our main goal here is to help spread awareness and proper education about BDSM, as well as help establish a healthy sense of community. But how do we actually do that? Obviously, there are major obstacles when operating strictly online and we are trying our hardest to come up with creative ideas that will allow ASI to expand and offer our services to people internationally.

One of our short-term goals is to be able to offer educational kits that will allow YOU to represent ASI in the community. The kits will include our own book, other educational material such as pamphlets, an ASI t-shirt and a demonstration BDSM gear kit that you will be able to sell to make a small profit. You will NOT sign up other representatives, we want your focus to be on educating.. not recruiting.

For the LONG TERM we want to open a physical location with a small storefront that offers classes and counseling. After some thought, I’ve decided not to pursue opening any sort of play area, though we will hopefully be able to work with existing dungeons to provide education and classes, discounts, etc. If we can get the funding, I would like to provide our counseling services for FREE.

Daddy is worried that a place like this may not be welcomed or, simply not visited. So my questions to you are, Would you visit this kind of place? Would you attend classes presented by us if they were available in your area? And would you have a need for counseling services, advice or testing that catered to the BDSM community?

This is my personal story about how discovering and learning about BDSM helped my husband and me come to an important understanding within our marriage, as well as guided me to a place in my life where I am now comfortable with my body and who I am as a person. This is the journey from a vanilla marriage that was quickly falling apart to a 24/7 D/s lifestyle that has helped us become closer than ever. Continue reading →

“Geek Kink is a Dom/Sub operation out of Sacramento, CA. Krissy and Allen love to challenge each other in the bedroom and in the Alchemy Lab where the Geek Kink creations are born. Krissy is a third generation geek. The D&D Monster manual was her bedtime stories and the sound of Captain Picard yelling at Q was her lullaby. Allen is a Wizards of the Coast certified GM and has been perfecting his zombie survival plan for over a decade. These two want to help people make their kink experience fit them. And so, in a galaxy far, far away Geek Kink was born. Geek Kink’s goal is to make toys no man has made before.”

About the smaller paddle in the review: “The small paddles are ones that we tend to take to play events (along with our other products of course).” They are not for sale on their website, but I’m sure if you contacted them they would be happy to make one for you!

Addressing my concerns with the HK paddle: “The handle on the Hello Kitty is just it’s design. Though, we do not use a laser cutter. This is a small operation right now it is all done manually. We have someone that cuts all the wood, sands it and so on. The painting is 100% us. Some items, like the Darth Vader and Horde paddle are stenciled but again that is all done by hand.That is part of why a lot of the items are made to order. Some people have special requests, such as items specifically set measured to fit their hand size. As you had mentioned the size was wrong for his hand. But the Hello kitty, and most of our paddles come as a 7 layer pressed laminant.

I am limited on what kind of poll I can do here on WordPress, so therefore the type of results I can garner is limited as well. So,this is a simple poll, but hopefully will give us some idea of “The ‘subjectiveness’ of it all!” Here goes my first ever poll. I will be using the scale of 1-10 like you would see in a doctor’s office for these, like this one…..

Take Our Poll Once we get enough people to take the poll, I will work on a post to present the results to see if they are close to what the research says they could be. Please share this with anyone you know in the lifestyle so we can get as many votes as possible. The more votes the polls get, the more realistic the results will be. If this one succeeds, I might have another! Hope you enjoyed participating!

How do we translate pleasure? you could start with asking the question, “Why do I like what I like?”

Let’s have a look at some research. A study was done with people volunteering to sip a glass of wine while being in a neuro-imaging scanner. While they are doing this, a screen is in front of them, telling them about the wine. Some are told it’s expensive, etc., some are told its cheap, etc. Some are told nothing. Not unexpectedly, those who were told it was expensive wine thought it tasted much better than any cheap wine they ever had. (It was all the same wine, of course). Besides this though, the pre-frontal cortex, which responds specifically to pleasure, and reward, lit up like a Christmas tree! This did NOT happen with the volunteers who were told they were drinking the cheap wine! This suggests that their responses (your responses!) are not just about the wine itself, but your perception of it. So, what you think about the wine, can apparently make it taste better, or worse!

What you think about what someone looks like, seems to have a lot to do about how you feel about that person. Studies done on ‘happy couples’ resoundingly show that those who think their spouses look better than anyone else, are the same couples that say they argue less, and have more sex. Does this mean those couples have more pleasure? Or love each other more? Think about it. Think about your grade school bully, or the person who shares your office that never shuts up. Now think about how attractive they look in comparison to your best friend/partner/child? Definitely interesting.

Capgras Syndrome is an affliction where the sufferer believes someone close to them has been replaced by an impostor. As you can imagine, this usually has tragic consequences for the afflicted and their family, because they believe they are killing or removing the impostors and making things better. One case in 1931, had a happy ending though.

“In 1931, researchers described a woman with Capgras Syndrome who complained about her poorly endowed and sexually inadequate lover. She was happy to report that he had a double who was rich, virile, handsome and aristocratic.” HA!** (see below)

So, who you think you are looking at can have a profound effect on how you react to them. Now, think of consumer products. One reason we use them is purely utilitarian, i.e., what they can do for us. Think of a couple of everyday things, like, oh, i don’t know, a sweater and a pair of shoes. (pictures inserted below)

The sweater keeps you warm. Maybe it’s even in style, so you’ll look like you give a damn about what Cosmo says. Shoes, they protect your feet, maybe help you run faster. How much would you pay for an average sweater? For average shoes?

Now, what if I told you that sweater was worn by George Clooney, and the shoes worn by Michael Jordan? (Insert whatever your favorites are) What kind of responses are lighting up in your brain now? Would you pay more? Do you want it more because of the history that surrounds it? The status or money it might bring you? What you know, or even just what you think you know about anything, or anyone for that matter, has a lot to do with how much you think it is worth. With how much pleasure you think it will bring you. A wedding ring may be considered irreplaceable, and therefore priceless, but usually only by the beholder. Therefore, your response to how much you like something or someone, and how much pleasure you get from them or it, is deeply related to your beliefs about how it came into being.

A study was done on chimps, using a reward system. Signal lights turned on, meaning a reward for work was about to be given. First, the reward was given 75% of the time, and dopamine levels in the brain were measured. Next they reduced the reward percentage to 50%. Surprisingly, dopamine levels were higher with the 50% reward, seemingly meaning the element of uncertainty has a lot to do with pleasure. How does this help us understand ourselves? well the human element in this experiment is time. The time between finishing the work and receiving the reward can be a non-issue for us. Religion is a perfect example. Some of us are able to keep up our levels of excitement about a certain reward, presumably satisfied with not being able to receive it until after we are dead! This is a quality unique to humans, as far as we know. It is also the exception to the rule, however, as most of the time, our own dopamine levels, (and therefore our excitement about it) drop if we feel too much time has passed in between the work and the reward.

Puts the BDSM allure into perspective for me, certainly!How many of us look forward to our Master’s reward after the work is done? This may also help us when we think about the Why’s, How’s, and When’s of Sub Drop. Maybe understanding the ups and downs of our neurological system might help us identify triggers and other responses, and make some scientific sense out of all those emotions!

Think back to the beginning of your exploration into the lifestyle. Did it meet your expectations, exceed them, or neither? How, or from whom, did you first hear about it, and how do you think that might have affected your ideas about it in general?

So, pain and fear seem to be very closely related. Pleasure, beauty, and worth seem to be just as close. With that in mind, I will close by saying if beauty is in the eye of the beholder, then surely pleasure and pain must be as well.

Those red flags are there to expose an abuser if only we were trained to see them. You will read the list and think “Now why oh why didn’t I think of that!” This checklist is a general one, as well all know in the BDSM lifestyle, some of these signs are not that of an abuser but of a good dominant, but like all things it doesn’t hurt to have a good idea about what might fall under the category of a potential abusive relationship/person.

Are you afraid to act like yourself with this person? (no dominant should make you scard to act like your normal self, if you are then that is not right)

Does this person refuse to talk AND listen to you? (The key to a lasting BDSM relationship is open communication, if your dominant is not listening to you, and will not talk with you about any of your fears or the like, then this might be called a red flag by many)

Do you catch this person in lies?

Are you this person’s only friend? (this does not always denote a abuser, some of us do not have a large friend list that we tend to associate with, this does not necessary mean the person will turn out to be an abuser)

Does this person talk badly about other women?

Does this person mistreat their mother/father, siblings or ex?

Is this person mean to animals?

Is this person subject to road rage?

Does this person anger easily?

Does this person hold grudges?

Does this person express their anger physically?

Is this person upset that you have other friends?

Is this person jealous of your friends and relatives?

Does this person try to cut you off from your friends? (This for many that I know if number 1 red flag)

Does this person try to keep you from practicing your faith?

Would you not consider this person a friend outside of this relationship?

Is this person totally fixated on you? (some people say that there is a different between a loving partner and someone who is fixated on you, and its true, but some partners who are considered to be extreamly love and caring unfortunatly by some fall to various degrees into this catagory, thus its up to you to trust you own instints in this matter)

Was this person abused as a child? Was their mother abused?

Is this person co-dependent? (again this is a debated topic among many people apparently, some believe that you can’t have a M/s relationship without developing a co-dependence, others will argue otherwise.)

Does this person have a poor self-image?

Does this person have poor impulse control?

Is this person preoccupied with sex?

Does this person have a history of alcohol or drug abuse or a problem with compulsive gambling?

Has this person pushed for intimacy early in the relationship? Perhaps making all sorts of promises for marriage and hope for the future. Has this person tried to brush aside your concerns as just jitters and tell you to just “trust them”?

Does this person use guilt to try to manipulate you?

Does this person unjustly accuse you of flirting with others?

Does this person take your money?

Must you always watch the TV program that this person wishes to see or go to the movie of their choice? (this for some might be a red flag, but in a M/s relationship its not necessarly so, depending on the level between the two partners.)

Has this person tried “playful” forceful sex? Not stopping until you REALLY objected? (as many might think, that might not be a red flag, but it can be if the dom doesn’t stop when a safe word is used)

Has this person threatened to hit you?

Has this person hit, shoved, bit, kicked or in other ways tried to injure you? (This is not always the case as you might know, but then again doing this in anger is never good at any point in time, also if the intent of injury is more then temp or consentual then well of course its up to you to feel if its abuse or not)

Has this person destroyed any of your property? Has this person threatened to do so?

Does this person have a dual personality? Is this person nice and friendly most of the time, then cruel and heartless at other times?

Does this person have to know where you are every minute and check up on you to make sure? (this might not always be a red flag, if it is something that is already known within your relationship, and has been agreed upon)

Does this person check through your computer history, e-mail, cookies and logs to see where you have been? Does this person read your mail? Listen to your phone calls?

Are you not allowed to be alone with friends and family?

Does this person have a problem with authority figures?

Does this person have extreme highs and extreme lows? Simple questions. Powerful questions. Perhaps even life saving questions.

If you answer YES to more than just even one or two of these you are in what many people would call an abusive relationship. The higher the number of questions checked the more serious the potential of the abuse is likely to be. However, this list is not comprehensive. Your particular situation will likely be somewhat different. If you feel you are being abused, seek professional counselling. Nothing in this checklist should be considered a substitute for counselling.

If you feel you are in an abusive relationship, get help now! You can take the first step by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) (TDD 1-800-787-3224) or go to http://www.ndvh.org

“I loved your book so much I tried to tie up my boyfriend while he was asleep. He woke up before I could, but it all worked out anyway…”

Ah, the delicious meaning in that dot, dot, dot. This fan mail is one of my favorites, a definite keeper, but it is probably not the best approach for introducing BDSM in your bedroom. The road to restraining orders starts here.

The truth is, I’ve always had readers interested in this topic but the Fifty Shades of Grey phenomena has planted seeds in the minds of millions of Americans. So how do you introduce BDSM into your bedroom in a way that can lead to fun, intimacy and a little dot, dot, dot?

As an erotic romance writer and full-time “sub,” I have some experience in this realm. Below I’ve listed 10 tips to get you started. Given the current female interest in the submissive role, I’m going to proceed under that pronoun assumption, but the following applies if he’s the one tied up, so to speak (but keep him conscious, please!).

1) Talk about it – You’re thinking about it, but it may not have crossed your partner’s mind, so take the time to talk it out. Consider reading him your favorite scene from an erotic romance that sparked your interest in exploring more. Tell him what intrigues you about it. See how he reacts, but don’t judge or push. Don’t take things too seriously. If you’re doing this to spice up your relationship, this probably won’t be a problem, but if you’re exploring innate feelings about being a Dominant or submissive, you can get a little overwhelmed by all the things you want to try. In these first stages, take it slow, relax and have fun with it. That will help your partner do the same.

2) Stay away from the Internet – Trust me on this one. Even if you’re ready to take the pictures that result from a “BDSM” Google search with a grain of salt, your partner might have a full-fledged anxiety attack. That’s not the kind of heavy breathing you’re trying to encourage. There will be time to surf together later, when you’re both more comfortable with it.

3) Give him a safe word – He’s going to worry about hurting you or doing the wrong thing. Having a safe word that you can use to stop or slow down anything that feels scary will reassure him that you are maintaining some level of control over your own well-being.

4) No Judgment Zone – Mutually accept that invoking that safe word is a good thing for both of you, not an evaluation of his performance as a Dom. This is no different from when you first started having vanilla sex. You’re learning what works for you as partners.

Feeling comfortable with all of the above? Okay, it’s time for a dip in the shallow end of the pool.

5) No Tools Required – Start with Something Easy – The psychology of BDSM is what it’s all about. The illusion of being dominated sexually, of submitting utterly to your lover – that’s the turn on. You can have it without a single whip, metal cuff or legal representative present.

Here’s an example. Your lover tells you to lie on the bed. He commands you to hold onto the head rails and spread your legs as far as you can. You’re forbidden to move until he tells you that you can. After he puts a blindfold on you – perhaps something as simple as his T-shirt over your eyes, so you have the reassurance of his scent in the darkness – he proceeds to pleasure you as he would for your normal foreplay, though you’ll find being blindfolded likely sparks even more creativity. Your senses are going to be heightened, your responses even stronger, and the cardinal rule for many men (the good ones!) is “what turns her on, turns me on.” Taking away sight so that you focus all your other sense on what he’s doing with his fingers, mouth, a feather, a sprinkle of fragrant cinnamon powder…

6) Proceed with the Easy Tools – Okay, so that worked well. What? You didn’t notice the dot, dot, dot? Congratulations! You’ve just conducted your first BDSM session. Wait! Do not fly off to the online bondage store and buy out their special Limited Edition Spanish Inquisition Package (yes, I made that up – it worries me that you thought to go look for it). Instead, buy two pairs of Velcro cuffs. The kind that can snap together or have D-rings that allow you to spread arms and legs and fasten them to fixed objects without actually restricting the extremities. Maybe invest in a blindfold that fits comfortably on the face. If you like the looks of that riding crop or the cute paddle that has a “bad girl” cut out, fine. But pull back on the reins right there, and check the next bullet item. And please come out of the saddle-and-spur department. We’ll save that for the advanced BDSM article.

7) Spankings – The more hardcore stuff, like floggings, tend to scare the bejesus out of a significant other who has never associated sensual punishment with his love for you. It may even scare you a little bit, but those erotic romance spankings are kind of intriguing, aren’t they? Few of us think of a spanking as a frightening thing. In fact, it has a hugely arousing impact, giving the endorphins a titillating strum and connecting to that subconscious desire to surrender to your lover’s power. So have him turn you over his knee or bend you over a chair or bed, and see where it goes. [Note: There are many fun, accessible areas for him to play with when he’s resting his hand!] The pain-pleasure aspect of BDSM is the least understood part of its practices, but it’s no different than why a roller coaster is both scary and thrilling. You’re unable to control the ride, and yet you willingly stepped onto it, with certain expectations of your experience. If the engineers and operators have done their job (the Dom), you’re going to enjoy the ride a great deal.

8) Use the Lingo – As I mentioned, the power of BDSM is in the psychology. Often, being allowed to address your Dominant lover only by a title like Master or Sir while you are “in session” gets you even deeper into the experience. You might also want him to do the same, calling you “his slave” or “his pretty sub,” “his kitten,” etc. Don’t be limited by these suggestions – choice of honorifics is very personal to the Dom/sub relationship. Though keeping it down to a couple syllables might be advisable, because getting out “Supreme Commander of My Orgasmic Universe” during the throes of passion is quite challenging.

9) Reach Out – Finding people who practice healthy BDSM relationships can help further your own knowledge and enjoyment. Forums like Fetlife.com have “real people” practicing BDSM and D’s lifestyles. You may be able to find a local community BDSM group that meets for “munches,” or social events held at a restaurant or other public venue to discuss common interests and provide a nonthreatening environment for new members. BDSM “stuff” does not occur at these types of events. (Waitresses don’t consider it a proper use of hot coffee and pancake syrup, and they will NOT clean it up!) Play comes later if you decide to be part of the group and they think you’re a good mesh for them as well. However, as in any online or in-person interaction, always use your best judgment. Even the most mundane online sites can attract crazies.

10) Now What? Once you’re both comfortable with the basics of restraint and the arousing aspects of a little punishment, if you want to go further, this is when you must do your research. That bad girl paddle will be fun, but it has to be used correctly. The human body is tough in a lot of ways, but very simple things – like using ropes too tightly around wrists or a strike with a paddle against the wrong place – can result in injury, which means no fun for either of you. The mantras of BDSM are Safe, Sane and Consensual (SSC) and Risk-Aware Consensual Kink (RACK). I recommend Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns by Philip Miller and Molly Devon as an excellent introduction to exploring BDSM. They have a casual, informative approach that makes it easy reading, as well as further resources in the bibliography. But keep reading those erotic romances for inspiration – I did mention I write those, right?

At the end of the day, BDSM practice is based on a power exchange, where one partner trusts another enough to relinquish control to them for mutual pleasure. It’s best when it’s conducted under a careful structure of safe words and rules that protect everyone involved. How deep you go with it, how elaborate, it all comes back to these basic tenets. Done right, it can deepen your emotional and physical connection with a lover…and be a heck of a lot of fun…

Joey W. Hill is the author of more than thirty erotic romance novels and the recipient of the RT Book Reviews Career Achievement award. She is a practicing submissive in her personal life and has been involved in the BDSM community for over twenty years. Her newest release, Hostile Takeover, is available at www.ellorascave.com.