Category Archives: Furry Tales

This blog post is dedicated to all you cat people out there, and our blogosphere bestie, Cassie Behle (and her cat Chloe), who is unfortunately too busy with wedding planning to dedicate herself to her blog right now. Don’t worry Cass, we fully understand that wedding planning and dealing with diamonds and cake take priority over writing blog posts about cat crap and hairballs. We certainly do not want to see you turn into a crazy-old-spinster who dies and has her face eaten off by 50 cats. Yes, it happens!

Now onto our regularly-scheduled blog post: Letters to Our Cat…

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Dear Cat,

Effective immediately, you will stop going around the house as if you own it. You do not own it. We pay the bills. Stop annoyingly scratching at closed doors, turning on and off light switches, taunting the dog, biting the leaves off our plants, and eating our breakfast when it sits out on the counter.

If you cannot come to terms with this arrangement, we will be forced to evict you.

Sincerely,

Management (Your Owners)

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Dear Management (My Owners),

Effective immediately, you will stop telling me what to do. I don’t care if you own this house.

If you can’t come to terms with this arrangement, I will be forced to stare at you creepily in the dark every night while you sleep, pee on your favorite rug, vomit in your shoes, tear up your new bedspread, and poop in hard to reach places in the back of your closet.

Sincerely,

Cat

I have amazing resilience. I can stare all night and scare the bejesus out of you when you wake up.

Dear Cat,

You son of a @*&%#. You better sleep with one eye open, cat. One eye open!

I just used the litterbox and then cleaned my paws off on your pillows. I also beat up the other “sweet” cat that you make me share my room with against my will. FYI- beatings will continue until your attitudes improve.

Sincerely,

Cat

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Dear Cat,

We are throwing you out!

Sincerely,

Management (Your Almost-Happy Owners)

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Dear Management (My Almost-Happy Owners),

I scratched the hoods of all the cars parked in the garage. I peed on the wheels too. Since my diet has changed, I have also been experiencing intestinal discomfort. Hope you don’t mind the mess, but sometimes I can’t quite make it out of the garage in time, if you know what I mean. Can I come back inside?

Sincerely,

Cat

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Note: no further letters have been written at this time. Speculation is that owners are in therapy. Periodically, neighbors have reported seeing them running circles around their house, screaming and flailing back and forth in hysteria, chasing what appears to be a small–and very fast–cat.

Like this:

1- You have a ton of cats and cat toys. Unfortunately, your cats choose to ignore all those wonderful toys, and they play with empty toilet paper rolls and your shoelaces instead.

2- Your best friend gives you a bag of treats as a gift for your cats, and after letting them eat most of the bag, you realize that they’re from Walmart (and made in China) which fuels a sort of Kim-Kardashian-Kanye-West combination meltdown (which means that you attempt to maintain your composure, but in the end, you can’t control yourself from freaking out like a Drama King/Queen and voicing your concerns inappropriately). You grab your cell phone, call your best friend, and exclaim “Oh. My. God. I can’t believe you gave me Chinese cat treats from Walmart! If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were trying to kill my babies!”

3- You get excited… no, more like ecstatic and hysterical… over pet care items such as a special miniature hand brush and dust pan to sweep up fine granules of kitty litter. When you find items like this in the store, you actually jump for joy, raising them in the air victoriously as Rafiki did with Simba in the first Lion King movie.

Image courtesy of arthursclipart.org

4- You talk to your cats. And, I don’t mean the occasional “Here kitty, kitty!” kind of talk. I mean the kind of talking that ends up being a dialogue of sorts between you and your cat.

Crazy Cat Person: Let’s see what we can do about that. Do you want your favorite catnip treats?

Cat: Meow.

5- Your cats have a first and last name… sometimes even a middle name. And, you’ve been known to use their full names when you’re angry at them, to which they consistently respond with verbal opposition.

Crazy Cat Person: Punky Mewster Miller, get down from that shelf right now!

Cat: Mrrrreeeeoooooow! Mrrrreeeeoooooow!

Crazy Cat Person: I don’t want to hear it! Get down here right now! I mean it!

Cat: Mrrrreeeeoooooow! Mrrrreeeeoooooow!

After this goes on for a while, the crazy cat person ultimately gives up and retrieves the cat from the shelf on his/her own, since the cat simply refuses to cooperate (and there’s no winning an argument with an angry cat).

Image by designer-brain courtesy of deviantart.com

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I’m introducing a new type of writing: it’s called kitty litter-ature. It’s where I make you read an entire blog post about me writing about… you guessed it… kitty litter. You’re welcome in advance. My apologies to those who clicked on this post in the hopes that I would be discussing the life and times of Kitty Wells, Hello Kitty, or something else entirely.

As most of you already know, cleaning the kitty litter box is like… well… cleaning the kitty litter box. It’s one of those chores that has to be done, but no one really wants to do it.

It’s also one of those chores that if left neglected, there are extremely unfavorable consequences. If my husband and I forget to clean it, there’s only so much those fragrant deodorizers can do to help out. During the course of the day, the litter can take a turn from “fresh” to “death” (a smell that I can only describe as analogous to that of potpourri floating in a sewer).

How in the world can something this cuteproduce something so inherently rank?Courtesy of 1funny.com

The ongoing issue that I run into with keeping the kitty litter box clean is that the cats love a clean litter box. Every time I clean it, the cats go right back in there and use it again. It’s a vicious cycle.

You gotta be kiddin’ me! I just cleaned that!Courtesy of pets.webmd.com

It gets to the point where delusional and evil thoughts start popping into my head:

Hey, maybe they don’t really need a full bowl of food today. Maybe just half a bowl will do it. They look a little overweight.

Hey, maybe if I turn the A.C. down to 50 degrees, it will get chilly in here. They won’t want to drink as much. It does feel really hot in here, and they look a bit feverish.

Of course, I would never do it, but I swear to you, a dirty kitty litter box can push a sane person over the edge.

We Reserve the Right to Release the Hounds

Best Blog Quote

from Liza Pierce's blog post "Ten Reasons to Visit Leilani Farm Sanctuary" Frankly, I'm sold on #6. What better reason is there?
"Your visit will (include) about an hour of gentle exercise, as you visit all the animals, including our charming and playful goats. As our bumper sticker says, 'My Kid is a Goat!' You can even take one home if you like (Not a goat, a bumper sticker!)"