Manu finds something to shout about

Ben Pobjie

We begin another week with the joyous news that MKR is to cross over with Deal Or No Deal, beginning the process of MKR-ification by which the show will eventually subsume every aspect of our lives and render us lifeless, witless slaves to the kitchen machine. But tonight we have bigger fish to fry: Manu is going to shout about something! Knowing this adds a frisson of danger to every moment.

We begin with a reminder of what happened on the last episode, and just how terrible all these people are when placed in a kitchen environment. But tonight, teams get their first taste of KITCHEN HEADQUARTERS, a secure compound in which top kitchen agents work on kitchen intelligence and create bigger and better kitchens for weaponising by governments around the world.

Then there's the theme song, which goes "This is the best night of my life" in what now has to be seen for what it is: needlessly vicious sarcasm.

And so we see the teams enter Kitchen Headquarters, which has scared the bejeesus out of everyone, because it contains cooking utensils and heat. Angela and Melina are buzzed about winning the people’s choice, but Sophia is gutted that they did so. "I actually have met children more intelligent than those two," she snipes, but that's not surprising – she's hardly likely to meet many grown-ups.

Manu and Pete enter, looking oily and terrifyingly evil respectively, and Pete babbles the rules at them. Basically there will be two cook-offs: first, the "rapid cook-off", and then the decider for the bottom four teams, and then the bottom placed team will cook off against Kieran and Nastassia. So there'll be three cook-offs and Pete is a liar.

Off go the teams to the benches to put on their aprons and film cutaways. Andi isn't feeling like herself, which you'd think would be a plus. The ingredients are to be found under the bench: they are various green things. All Andi can see is coriander, because she has a lazy eye. Jake and Elle want the coriander too, which is ironic because Jake doesn’t know what coriander is, and eagerly grabs the thyme.

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There is little time to dwell on Jake's hilarious stupidity though, because Andi is having a nervous breakdown after seeing the coriander cruelly snatched away from her, after a lifetime of hoping and dreaming and waiting for that one perfect coriander to come along. She begs Sam and Chris to give her the coriander, and so Sam and Chris face their Sophie’s Choice: do they enable Andi's unhealthy monomania, or do they tell her to get a freaking grip? In the end they enable. Andi takes their coriander and Sam and Chris get mint. Sophia then begs them for their mint, but they refuse, because it’s Sophia and come on.

Now it's time for everyone to rush into the pantry and try to inflict soft-tissue injuries on each other. Jake informs us that he "channelled Usain Bolt", presumably in terms of ego.

Meanwhile Jenna and Joanna are making minty salmon, probably to be seasoned with Jenna's tears after her attempt at a salmon cupcake collapses.

Everyone is busy cooking, so this part of the show is fairly boring, although things perk up a bit when Jake comments snidely on Sam and Chris: "sounding a bit confident there, fellas," he whines, terrified lest someone steal his crown as the most unjustifiably arrogant cast member.

Over at Kerrie and Craig's bench, everyone is trying to remember who Kerrie and Craig are – of course they were the first couple to serve dinner, back at series' beginning in early 1994. They are struggling with their sardines: the scales are difficult to remove, and also sardines are gross. Kerrie has never scaled a sardine before, which I think is pretty admirable. Craig is more expert at scaling sardines: in his old fishmonging days, he did things he's not proud of.

"We're not going to sudden-death babe," says Ashlee suddenly, in a tone of voice carefully calibrated to make you want to put your head in a bucket of acid. They are curing their beef – of boredom, hopefully – and since basil is not traditionally South-East Asian, they are doing fusion cooking, rather than, for example, cooking something other than South-East Asian food. These girls were hired to be stereotypes, and they are committed to their job.

Jake makes some Thai puns and everyone wants to kill him, and we move on. Fifteen minutes to go, Sam and Chris are feeling good, and Jake is bossy, and Ashlee and Sophia are clattering around madly, and –

WAIT! Manu has yelled! "Stop the clock!" he shouts, probably. Hard to tell really, in his accent. But yes, everything has stopped. Because there is going to be a MASSIVE TWIST. "One of those classic My Kitchen Rules twists," says Luke, exaggerating wildly. What it is is, for the last fifteen minutes only one member of each team may cook. Truly, never in the history of reality TV have the stakes been so dramatically shifted slightly sideways.

And so we enter … endgame. Which will be followed by beginning of another game, of course.

Craig knew there was going to be a twist, but "this one's a big twist," he opines, although not really. There could have been a bigger twist. I'd have released a water buffalo into the kitchen.

Dan takes the reins at his bench. "It's my time to shine," he declares, but since he's not making a sausage he may find himself both well out of his depth and with nothing to talk about.

Meanwhile Andi is begging Josh to talk to her, God knows why. In fact I'm not even sure which one of them is supposed to be cooking, as Andi peers in bafflement at the frying pan and Josh stands a few inches behind her rubbing his beard on the back of her neck. "She can handle it, I know she can," says Josh in a cutaway recorded some time after he was proven incorrect.

Sam and Chris are doing fairly well though. Kieran and Nastassia are intimidated by their confidence, though to be fair Kieran and Nastassia should be intimidated by anyone with opposable thumbs.

Over at Jake's station, Elle gives him advice but Jake ignores her because he’s concentrating on remaining utterly unsympathetic to the entire world.

Joanna is salting and peppering her salmon, while Jenna watches her drunkenly, on the verge of tears. "We need crispy skin, Jo!" cries Jenna, probably referring to the fish. It doesn't work though: the skin has stuck to the griddle. Jenna collapses in a puddle of tears and begins rubbing cupcakes all over herself.

Ashlee and Sophia have cured their beef and are squeezing the dirty dishwater out of it. They prepare their sauce via the meticulous method of repeatedly calling each other "babe".

"We're cooking basil sardines and green couscous," says Kerrie at her bench, as if that's not the most disgusting thing ever. Meanwhile Dan is moving at a glacial speed, having lost all his zip due to the absence of sausages. He's better off than Josh though, who is unable to reassure Andi, who for her part now hates Josh with the fire of a thousand suns.

We then cut to an ad for My Kitchen Deals, in case we'd forgotten about it and were briefly starting to consider the possibility that there might be a god.

Back in the kitchen, there is much concern for Joanna, who not only has the misfortune of having to hang around with Jenna, but has been crouching over the salmon, staring madly at it, for sixteen hours, while everyone else packs up and goes home.

Oh no, apparently we're still going, and with one minute left Jenna tells Joanna that her salad is too salty. Joanna gives up and ritually disembowels herself. "I need a spoon!" she squeals, having lost all contact with reality. Meanwhile at his bench, Jake yells, "Where's the paprika?" which is some kind of sleeper-activation code-word I guess.

TIME'S UP! Meaningless hugs all round, euphoria shattered by the sudden stomach-churning recognition of failure. In Joanna’s case, she has put a wet salad on her crispy skin – every woman’s worst nightmare, am I right ladies?

Pete and Manu taste Jake and Elle's dish. "You're saying you used THYME in this dish?" asks Pete incredulously, the unspoken implication being, "You're sure you didn't use WALLABY URINE?"

The judges spend just a moment undermining Sam and Chris' confidence before moving on to Ashlee and Sophia. "Did you try the dressing?" asks Manu, clearly hinting that if they had they would be in hospital right now.

And then on to Joanna and Jenna, who stand with expressions on their faces that speak volumes of their desire for a quick death. Pete asks them to get up on the stage – WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN? On to Kerrie and Craig who have provided a veritable explosion of basil in Pete and Manu's mouths. Unfortunately they also provided an explosion of sardine scales: will the massive basil overdose be enough to overcome the utter awfulness of the fish?

On to Dan and Steph, and Dan is as usual struggling to stay awake. "Interesting," says Pete, clearly meaning, "Nauseating", and they move on to Josh and Andi, who have made a deconstructed taco, which is like a taco only messier. Pete notes that Andi doesn't seem very happy, but he should be used to people not seeming very happy around him by now. "For me there’s no hope," says Andi, sprinkling coriander on her head and leaping off a bridge.

It is judgment time. Pete explains that adapting to the unexpected is something that every great chef must be able to do. This sounds a bit like a lie: I don't think any great chef’s job involves having to cook a meal in 30 minutes, halfway through which his support staff quits.

First up, Andi and Josh are not safe, confirming all Andi’s fears about her failings as a cook and as a human being. However, Ashlee and Sophia ARE safe, having made a "clever" dish and disappointed a nation. "I am so happy," says Sophia in that way that just gets right under your skin. Next, Sam and Chris, and Pete explains how when they said, "simple is great", they actually meant, "simple is not great and you suck". Not safe.

Dan and Steph, who impressed Pete with their composition and not making sausages. They're safe. Dan is so relieved he almost regains consciousness.

Kerrie and Craig, who by all appearances have made a plate of deer vomit. Pete thinks they could have had a fantastic dish there, if it weren't for the fact that they didn't. He doesn't like eating scales, which is a bit uppity of him given our knowledge of the weird crap he DOES eat, but nevertheless Kerrie and Craig are not safe. Jake and Elle are in trouble because Pete and Manu didn't taste the thyme, although Manu did taste the hallucinogenic substance which made him believe he was travelling to the Middle East. Jenna and Joanna, however, are also in trouble, because they didn't taste their food before serving it and therefore didn't notice it was drenched in brake fluid. But they're still safe, because when Pete doesn't taste thyme, he holds a grudge.

And now it's time for THE SHOWDOWN. Which is where the unsafe teams cook again to try to avoid having to cook yet again. The showdown task is to make a spicy dish. They have an hour to do so. "It's gonna be a spice train of spices," says Jake, and he and Elle burst out laughing as if he just made a joke. These are two young people whose parents complimented them way too much as children.

And so back to the cooking. Everyone grabs some ingredients and begins scattering spices and Elle starts naming geographical regions and Jake says he feels like he’s walking the streets of Istanbul and clearly everyone is on drugs by now.

In the gallery, Luke is waxing lyrical about the right way to make a curry. He is apparently a curry expert all of a sudden, and fears the dire consequences if the curry doesn’t turn out right. "I don't know what's gonna happen!" he exclaims in terror, visions of carnage rising before his eyes.

Meanwhile Craig is swearing because seriously wouldn’t you.

Josh and Andi are cooking spiced lamb with cauliflower two ways, because cooking something one way just won’t cut it in today’s modern multi-faceted wifi-capable world. Meanwhile Angela and Melina are mocking Jake and Elle in the manner of two women who have already forgotten how revolting their pop-up restaurant was. Elle is hurling spices left and right, cackling like Frankenstein as she strives to create a curry hotter than man has laid tongue on before. "They thought me mad, but I shall show them all!" she shrieks as lightning cracks overhead. There is method in the madness, though: she knows that the hotter it is the harder it will be to discern the appalling flavour.

With half an hour left, Pete announces there’s half an hour left, and everyone claps and cheers, their enthusiasm for the concept of measurable time palpable.

Sam and Chris are working hard, and so Pete comes over to delay them. "Tell me about your dish," he says, but Sam and Chris are too polite to tell him to faff off. Sam wisely observes that as long as the dish is perfect it shouldn't be too bad.

Over at Jake and Elle's, Manu questions the siblings' decision to try to assassinate the judges. Elle explains it's how they were brought up – "we just put everything in a pot" – so clearly they're well-placed to create fine dining experiences.

Kerrie and Craig are making some yellow balls or something, I don't know, who cares. Josh is staring into the oven, bewitched by the mesmeric flame within. Worse is happening with Sam though, as he checks his curry and discovers that it has turned into an omelette. This may be because the flame was turned off. Cooking: the bete noire of many a cook.

Everyone’s panicking by this stage though: Elle tells Jake to cook more, Kerrie's done something wrong with her peas, and Sam and Chris have become committed nihilists. Kerrie and Craig are shouting at each other for comic relief. Jake is squealing about prawns. The judges are counting down. Josh has lost his mind and is dementedly tipping olive oil over everything. The centre cannot hold. Things fall apart. A rough beast slouches towards Bethlehem to be born.

Time is up, and Elle reveals that they don't want "hot hot hot, hot that blows your head off", which makes her decision to tip several kilos of spices into the dish somewhat curious. Manu isn't sure. "There’s a fine line between creativity and confusion," says Pete, recalling the time he told a Sunday newspaper what he ate for breakfast.

Next up is Josh and Andi, who is now more sweat than woman. Their dish is much better than their first one: it's almost like they had twice as long to cook it and didn’t get a nasty surprise in the middle this time.

Time for Sam and Chris' butter chicken/omelette, which triggers an interrogation as to what spices they put in. I’m not sure but I think Sam says it contains "Nigella seeds" – the seeds of the cleavage tree? Sam is worried that turning the burner off might have ruined their chances: he is an expert enough cook to know that not cooking things is often a mistake when cooking things.

Kerrie and Craig step up and make Pete go "Wow" and use the phrase "dancing on my tongue", so the drugs are really kicking in for him too. Kerrie is happy: in fact she says she's "aesthetic", and it's heartwarming to see her so full of joy and poor pronunciation.

Cut to an ad break, where we are once again reminded that Subway renders anyone's efforts to become a skilled chef utterly pointless.

Back in Kitchen Headquarters it is time, after this gruelling eight-week challenge, to decide who will go into the sudden-death cook-off to decide who will win the challenge. Finally, some penultimateness! "I'm feeling very nervous about this," says Kieran, as well he might be. "There are some very strong teams in that bottom four," says Nastassia, lying pathetically.

Josh and Andi cooked a good meal so they seem safe. So did Kerrie and Craig, who impressed Pete in particular with their ability to make him taste the food that was on his plate. Like magic. However, Jake and Elle may be in trouble for using too many spices. "We want you to be creative," says Pete, immediately following Manu's lecture on why they shouldn’t have been creative. Thence to Sam and Chris, who in sharp contrast to Jake and Elle’s insane spice rampage, failed to make the judges taste any spices at all.

And the loser is …

The viewers because we’re still waiting for Manu to finish his sentence and the dramatic music won't stop.

The loser is…

Sam and Chris! So too much spice beats too little, and these two are really wishing they hadn't been so nice to Josh and Andi at the start.

And so we look forward to sudden death. "It's time to unleash the beast," Kieran says coquettishly, although one feels that unleashing some kind of cooking ability might be more beneficial. In any case, it all comes down to Sam and Chris versus Kieran and Nastassia, and may the best team (Sam and Chris) win! Join us tomorrow for the race to the bottom!