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Hayden Panettiere recently revealed to Company Magazine that the public and paparazzi are the source of her relationship blues, a prime example being her breakup last year with co-star ex Milo Ventimiglia.

Why Hayden?

She says:

“It’s very, very difficult and people have no idea what they do to peoples’ relationships. They destroy them. The paparazzi and the public,” [in] a revealing interview with Company Magazine. “The public wants to read about your personal life, and the paparazzi give it to them by nosing into your personal life and saying things that are just not true and horrible.”

So here’s “me,” absolutely shocked at this revelation. And horrified the public and paparazzi would and could poison a relationship so precious as that between two actors.

After all, what could be more rock solid than a union of celebrity performers? Especially involving a young hot starlet deeply embroiled in the hot club scene of Hollywood, and her decade-plus-older beau?

What’s up, Hayden? My wai puo called to say she wants her jacket back. She said it’s, like, totally cool that you’ve had it for so long, but wonders if you’ve remembered to store it in not one, but two plastic grocery bags in your closet, so moths don’t get to it? Also, she said that if you really want one of your own, she can teach you how to make it, right down to those complicated-looking frog closures. They’re really not that hard to make, apparently. You just need to sit down with wai puo for a lesson. She’ll give you some ribbon, then show you how to tie a few knots with it, and you’ll copy her exactly before she suddenly rips the closure out of your hand and says, “Never mind. Your knot looks clumsy and amateur. I’ll do it for you. You go watch TV.”

You’re sweet, i.e. you haven’t flashed your cooter in public yet. You seem grounded, i.e. you haven’t gone to rehab or gotten preggo. And there’s something beautiful about the fact that you’re this teeny girl trying to save some of the largest mammals on Earth.

HAYDEN: I am NOT a midget. I am petite, and, sure, I have stumpy legs, but…the politically correct nomenclature is Little Person, anywho.

MASI: Whatever, midget.

HAYDEN: What in the world has gotten into you?

MASI: I’m depressed. The first good Heroezzz episode airs last night, and I’m not even in it. No one liked me being in Japan or with that fug warrior princess. My IMDB STARmeter is plummeting. By the time the strike’s over, this show is gonna tank. And my life will be over. At least there are pervs out there who will still want to see that midget body of yours naked and greased like a pole. You’ll always have that to fall back on.

(takes a long swig of dark-colored liquor)

HAYDEN: How dare you?!? I save dolphins. I cry for them on camera. Scratch that, I weep for them. Just like I weep for you. You fat fuck.

Many of you have read by now that Heroezzzz creator Tim Kring spoke to Entertainment Weekly from the picket line on the first day of the Writers’ Strike Monday (which we support a quick, fair resolution to from the asstard studios, as it has put many friends out of work and made them emotionally needy, not to mention day-drinkers) to shamelessly promote his show that is soon to be in reruns, in which he apologized to Heroezzzzzzz fans for the show’s Royal Suckage this season. Below, please find a few excerpts from EW’s story, along with our translasians:

HIRO WAS IN JAPAN WAY TOO LONG Hiro’s (Masi Oka) time-bending adventure in 17th-century Japan — where he mentored samurai hero Takezo Kensei (David Anders) — finally came to an end on Nov. 5. But Kring says it ”should have [lasted] three episodes. We didn’t give the audience enough story to justify the time we allotted it.”

YOUNG LOVE STINKS Kring regrets sticking Claire (Hayden Panettiere) with a super-dud boyfriend and forcing Hiro to moon over a cutesy princess. ”I’ve seen more convincing romances on TV,” he admits. ”In retrospect, I don’t think romance is a natural fit for us.”

TRANSLASIAN:Claire’s boyfriend was convincing as a high-schooler 8 years ago in Election, when he played the kid who ratted out Matthew Broderick. This season, he just seemed like a perv with a “power” who liked underage midget girls.

Icky Hump

And Masi Oka’s Hiro is a doughy mess. He and the princess had about as much chemistry as me before I pop a Cialis and a cheap hooker with genital warts. Please, Jen and Diana, stop hatin’ on me. It’s true, I was cockblocked by a cute Asian chick/dude at a bar once and I have a thing against your people. I am currently working that out in group therapy. Forgive me.