Monday, April 20, 2009

TNA LOCKDOWN BRO

M: Hi we are Mike and Andrew and we decided to watch the TNA LockdownPPV together and I can promise you it will never happen again. Here isour match by match expert analysis:

OPENING DARK MATCH: ERIC 'EY' YOUNG vs. DANNY BONADUCE

M: Danny Bonaduce is a 75 year old former child actor and he is already at least the 5th best TNA wrestler. He is most definitely on shoot steroids and brings NUNCHUCKAHS to the ring as if this werestill the 1980's and people were still pumped on Michael Dudikoff''s blockbuster movie series, American Ninja.. OH this would be a good time to mention that every single one of these matches takes place inside of a steel cage and most of them have confusing rules, but the only rule to this match is that there are no rules and that Danny Bonaduce isn't a real wrestler and before the match in his pre-fight nterview he said he's been "practicing taking bumps" which is totallyDISRESPECTING THE BIZ. Anyway, these two guys fight and Eric Young wins and then Rhino comes in and gores Danny Bonaduce for no real reason I guess. THis was probably still like the 3rd best match of thenight.

M. This match had some really awesome rules where the two black guyswere on a team together, and the japanesey and Persian were on a team together but Suicide was ON NO ONES TEAM, and at first you had to pin a guy to get him eliminated but then when there were only two guys you had to escape the cage, and whoever won became THE CHAMP! So Suicide is cool because he wears a costume that looks like the Hot Wheels logo and it just says SUICIDE on his chest as if he was wearing his own Halloween costume.. This match is whatever and then it comes down to SUICIDE and THE SHIEK and this is where we find out The Shieksfinisher is called, no shit, THE W.M.D.D.T. Anyway, Suicide ends up winning somehow. This didn't suck but it sure was confusing and stupid.

A: I don't really remember any of this except that the black guy who isn't Macho Man has a really weird gimmick. I've never seen any Rocky movies but I imagine that he is working like Rocky's comical black friend. Did Rocky have a goofy patriotic black friend? If he did, he was in this match. When this match ended, Suicide jumped off the cage onto the Arab and a bunch of security guys, I think. Apparently Suicide is still Christopher Daniels which means TNA literally doesn't know of any other skinny guys who can jump around and so he had to work two matches on this show.

M: ODB is the best wrestler, but Daffney is close to being the best. ODB has like the giantest fake tits ever. I am so curious to see her naked just to see if I would be aroused or afraid. It's up to my pants to decide.Everything ODB does is some kind of obscene gesture so she's like a human Garbage Pail Kid. She is so awesome. Daffney is pretty awesome too, but alas ODB wins where she does some kind of obscene pin.

A: ODB was in trouble at one point but then my main man Cody Deaner poured that mysterious liquid from the flask into her mouth and she remembered to slam her own titties and flash her vagina around like a cat in estrus and she won by means of putting her crotch on someone's face. I think our conclusion was that we'd party with ODB and Daffney if she's into it.

M: The Pop Punk team has the belts and they are the tiniest cutest little champion belts ever. They are just like big ironic hipster belt buckles. The Japanese team comes out to the most racist music ever. It's just tikka ting ting ching ching chong chingy chong chong. This was the only match that could kind of be described as "awesome" just because the big Mexican Hernandez was straight up picking dudes up by the neck and suplexing them into cages and shit. None the less, the Pop Punk team pulls this one out with some kind of crazy top rope twisting powerbomb piledriver. Cool!

A: Yeah this was the only actually good match. Homicide is probably the most authentically G wrestler aside from the Brisco Brothers but I don't remember him doing anything. I mostly remember the Myspace Boyz getting thrown around by Hernandez who I was convinced was at least 9 feet tall and 2000 pounds during this match. Then I looked him up on wikipedia and he's only billed as being 6'2 which means he's probably like 5'6. "Fuck my life" as the kids are saying.

DOOMSDAY CHAMBER OF BLOOD MATCH: ABYSS vs. MATT MORGAN

M: Hahahah, this match is really called The Doomsday Chamber of Blood match. The rule here is that you have to bleed first and then you are allowed to be pinned. This was basically the worst match in the history of wrestling up until the Sting vs. Cactus Jack match. Abyss looks like a shitty create a wrestler from the WWF Attitude video game and he is the worst "scary monster" character ever. It's funny when fruits on the internet are like "WELL WHAT IF THE WWE SIGNS ABYSS" Like the WWE is just licking their chops at the prospect of signing some fat out of shape guy with a shitty tribal tat who's only 6' 2" but pretend to be 6'8" and is just a shitty budget version of Kane.These dudes bleed a little, and Abyss has all of these tiny bags of Horror that have broken glass and thumbtacks in them. I have seen about 3 Abyss matches prior to this and they all end with Abyss being slammed into thumbtacks and pinned, and this one was no different.

A: This match never stopped going. I guess the deal was like Abyss is trying to stop being violent or something so he wanted to win this match honorably and without the use of plunder. He still cracked a piece of glass on Matt Morgan's head but I guess that didn't count. Then Stevie Richards came out and was really mad at Abyss for succumbing to his violent urges and sort of pitterpattered on Abyss's back with his tiny little hands until Matt Morgan threw Abyss into the thumbtacks. This was seriously like a three hour long match.

(brief intermisson: Andrew went to go pee or something, and he missed when Borash briefly interviewed Samoa Joe who was dressed like Razor Ramon Hard Gays fat cousin. Samoa Joe is such a fat piece of shit)

THREE WAY LADY CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: AWESOME KONG (c) (w/ sexy NinjaSidekick) vs. ATHLETIC GIRL vs. GIRL WHO IS NOT AFRAID TO SHOW OFF THOSE RUDE TITTIES

M: This is where I decide all of these matchs were booked like when I play Fire Pro and just make matches with the dumbest fucking rules I can think of. All of these matches are set to GRUESOME mode it seems, with pins enabled. If I were really in charge, they'd also beexploding ring matches, but maybe that will be at the next Lockdown PPV.So Awesome Kong is probably my favorite TNA wrestler just because she's a fat pissed off black lady and that's the best gimmick. Awesome Kong tries this somersault splash and it is gully like a mug but it does not hit. If it hit this would have been the best match ever because the girl who have been nothing more than a splat mark on the ring. At one point they tie Awesome Kong to the cage by her hair extensions and then the Athletic girl hits the girl with the Rude Titties with a splash from the top rope and Rude Titties girl is hurt FOR REAL. Then they do some rollup ending and it all looks bad and shitty and now the girl with the Rude Titties is your new TNA lady champion.

A: Don West here was a heel by saying that the faces shouldn't cheat against the heel. "Reasonable" Don West.

M: This match is so good because they spend 15 minutes building up how fucking CRAZY and OFF THE HOOK the Philadelphia crowd is, and then the match starts and it's just ::cricket chirp cricket chirp::. But Don West and Mke Tenay both acted like people gave a shit. This was like apretty bad Dudleys ECW match and they did the spot where you would expect them to set a table on fire and 3D Balls Mahoney through it but alas this is TNA and there is no fire. The Dudleys beat Team Beer and now they are double champions. The crowd did not give a shit one bit.

A: There was some good stuff in this match because I like D-Von a lot. Also there was some part where one of Beer Money wanted to jump on Bubba but he rolled a little bit and the guy missed. Then the other guy wanted to jump, and Bubba rolled AGAIN! So Bubba basically single-handedly eliminated both of Beer Money by virtue of rolling a little bit. Mike Tenay acted like he couldn't hear Don West over the roar of the crowd which was cute.

M: This match had some rule where guys enter in one by one after a certain amount of time and then once everyone is in, a roof comes down and theres weapons on it. This match sucked a dick. Samoa Joe is like the fattest most out of shape wrestler ever. The match was highlighted by AJ Styles Jumping down from the top of the cage into the ring for no reason and no one caught him. It was awesome and highly stupid. Then someone pinned Booker T real anti-climatically. THEN OH NO THE LIGHTS GO OUT AND ITS HOLY SHIT BOBBY LASHLEY, and everyone including the announcers and the wrestlers and the entire crowd looks at him like "What the fuck??? Big fucking deal" so yeah.

A: I remember when Scott Steiner came out I was like "OH HELL YEAH SCOTT STEINER!" just because I desperately wanted to be excited for something on this show and I thought I could fake myself into thinking Scott Steiner is cool in 2009. He did a frankensteiner so maybe he could sense that thousands of miles away, one guy in California still believed in him. Remember when Christopher Daniels was the KING OF THE INDIES and now he is like the seventh best guy in a match that features both Kevin Nash and Jeff Jarrett?The story here was that Jeff Jarrett was maybe going to go for the Main Event Mafia because he ruled impartially on Thursday and so no one could trust him. So AJ Styles and Booker T were kinda staggering around like bums and who was Jarrett going to hit? Oh it was Booker T. Then Bobby Lashley showed up looking pretty well dressed and Kurt Angle was like YES YES! and the good guys were like OH NO! So my guess is that Bobby Lashley ends up being a good guy and beats up Kurt Angle a little bit on free TV and then goes away forever.

TNA TITLE MATCH: CACTUS JACK vs. STING (c)

M: So after every single gimmick match ever they finish the ppv with a regular boring cage match. This was seriously the worst match that has ever taken place in a wrestling ring, despite how many sides said ring had. This was like when I accidentally put on AWA classics and it'sjust two fat out of shape guys hugging and chopping each other for a half hour until one of them does a body slams and pins the guy. The only difference is Sting was lazier than any fat AWA guy and he basically just laid down on the ground for the whole match. Then all of a sudden at the end they both decided to randomly climb out of the cage at the same time and Cactus Jack beats Sting.

A: Sting was afraid he was going to break a hip or something so he really did just lay down the whole time while Cactus Jack would lean up against the cage and bleed. Then he tried to crawl out through a tiny hole in the cage. And he demanded the barbed wire bat be handed to him and it was, but not handle first. So he had to sort of gingerly hold the end of the bat between two fingers.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

M: This was more or less the worst shit imaginable. Fuck you TNA. I almost considered quitting this blog because of this but I surely quit ever watching TNA again. Thanks a lot.

A: I'm not mad, TNA. I'm just disappointed. Impact was so not terrible on Thursday that I thought, I hoped against hope, that this wouldn't just be terrible. I don't wanna get all SMART MARK *Brian Pillman voice* but when every single match is in a steel cage, it sort of makes the fact that it's in a steel cage seem less exciting. Fuck you TNA.

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In the days of ancient Rome men tried to best each other physically by imposing their will on one other. Sometimes this lead to the death of one of the competitors. Sometimes it lead to a friendship or brotherhood bond being formed. More often than not it ended with the two dudes fucking the shit out of each other. Faggotry and wrestling have long had a mutually parasitic relationship. Where faggotry is afoot wrestling cannot be far behind. Where there is wrestling you can rest assured that faggotry is nearby, jerking off furiously. This is the way it has always been and the way it shall always be. Though men have tried to change this dynamic throughout the ages they have all failed. Spandex, pyrotechnics, midgets, fake tits and sports entertainment cannot mask the overwhelming scent of gay that always accompanies wrestling. You can always be certain of these three things: The sun always rises in the morning, politicians always lie and wrestling will always be gay as fuck. We are merely observers; scribes charged with the duty of recording, analyzing and mocking this faggotry. These are our words.