Tabloids: everyone except Channing Tatum's wife is way to too fat

Reese Witherspoon is seen drinking and Justin Timberlake is seen not making babies

STAR

Cover:
Stop having back-fat, guts and cellulite, people. It makes the baby ducks cry when you go to the beach.

This week in drunken spectacles:
Reese Witherspoon was seen having two glasses of wine and then driving and remember how she got arrested for being disorderly just eight months ago? CALL ALL THE POLICE!

This week in reunions:
Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas are wearing wedding rings again while out with their kids (whose expressions do not at all resemble those of orphan characters in a Gothic horror movie).

This week in reunions 2:
Madonna and Sean Penn are back on. They found they had so much in common. #sanctimoniousself-righteousness.

US

Cover:
All you fat, new mothers out there should be ashamed of yourself because Jenna Dewan Tatum did the baby thing the right way by not being so fat. She shares her tips which include being married to Channing Tatum and travelling all the time.

This week in cheating cheaters:
Last week, Us – no doubt inspired by the giving spirit of the season – shared the story of how Tori Spelling's husband Dean McDermott likes to have one-night stands with women who are not Tori. This week we learn that Tori didn't throw him out because “she didn't want to ruin Christmas.” That's as sound reasoning as “I brought home a rabid camel because kneecaps talk to museum lights.”

ENQUIRER

Cover:
To no one's surprise, this story doesn't actually say O.J. has brain cancer. I suspect the cover line “O.J. Brain Cancer!” was constructed by shaking the special disease/celeb jar. It's the same way we got the memorable cover lines “Shia LaBeouf Gout!” “Ghost of Elvis Arthritis!” “Brad & Angelina Matching Rashes!” and “Poor, Sad Jen Emptiness!”

This week in crumbling happiness:
It's over between Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel. He didn't thank her when he won an award and they live separate lives and Justin won't Jessica some babies and Jessica posted a pic of herself ALL ALONE in her PJs! PROOF! SO MUCH PROOF! Jessica's family is all “take all his money.”

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