411’s TNA Impact Report 4.17.08

Once again, I am not Larry Csonka. In fact, I am the Lansdellicious One, Chris Lansdell, sitting in for Larry who had better things to do. Can you blame him? Remember, kids, we’ll be chugging on “Rellik is Killer spelled backwards”, and drinking on “and, yes” and variants, “Un! Be! Lievable!” and “Did you see that Mike?” I am well stocked with the always-delicious Arizona Iced Tea, in red apple, honey and pomegranate flavours, so I should make it to hour 2.

CROSS THE LINE!

– We get a video package, highlighting the events of Sunday night. Some guy won a title.

Wacky TNA Title of the Week: The Revenge of Lockdown. Lansdell’s alternate title:

Pyro! Nobody goes to hospital.

Joe is out, looking snazzy in a suit sans tie, with THE TITLE. Standard face-wins-belt promo, putting over Angle and then putting himself over more, and then putting the fans over. Paint-by-numbers really. He then steals Angle’s catchphrase, which brings out Big Poppa Pump and Little Poppa Pimp, complete with matching chainmail tea cozies. Steiner gets the cheap heat by going after the fans right off the bat. Little Petey Pump, glorious! Steiner gives Petey the X-Division Money in the Bank Feast or Famine title shot. Steiner goes for the obvious angle, pointing out how he’s a genetic freak and Joe is, well, corpulent. He suggests that Joe needs to borrow some bras and girdles from the Knockouts. Joe has a sadistic smile on through it all. Trademarc is on the mic, and here’s the former champion who has arrived from the set of The Matrix 4: Energizer Attacks. He puts over Joe, then says he learns from his mistakes and never makes the same one twice. He turns on Steiner then and says his last title win was against the Road Warriors in 1975 with his idiot brother. Excellent. Oh, what a shock, a contract with a rematch clause. Never seen one of those before. When will challengers learn to read those damn things? Angle is exercising his rematch clause NEXT WEEK, live, right here, on Spike TV *no cheap pop*.

Backstage with Generic Blonde Bimbo #12, who has Rhino and Cage. They talk about possibly forming a tag team, when they are interrupted by Team 3D. Devon says it’s only a matter of time before Cage screws Rhino. Bubba then breaks kayfabe and calls Rhino “Terry”, saying he’s a shell of the guy he was in ECW. Shit escalates as 3D call in Kip James, James Storm, and a third guy I couldn’t see. Beatery ensues.

Commercial. Hey, remember when people wrestled?

JB is with Lethal, who is waiting outside the ladies’ room for So Cal Val. Lethal calls Devine the Repo Man! Fabulous. Sonjay comes out of the ladies’ room with Val, and Lethal gets distracted easily, although the always-keen JB picks up on it straight away.

Match 1: X-Division Title: Black Machismo Jay Lethal vs Johnny Devine
Hermie Sadler is on commentary for this match. My ears are bleeding already. Why is Devine bringing out the tripod and camera again? It made sense against Shelley, but now?

DRINK, Devine jumps Lethal before the bell, and lays in the shots to Lethal. “Why won’t you die?” – Devine. Kick to the head on the apron by Devine. Lethal gets whipped into the guardrail. Sadler has some good insight, he’s just annoying. Abdominal stretch by Devine, flips Lethal up into a slam position, hangs him gut-first over the ropes and leaps off the top with an axe-handle for 2. Modified cutter from a fisherman’s suplex position, followed by a moonsault gets 2 for Devine again. Devine Intervention reversed into an Alabama Slam. Jabs by Lethal, who is now a House! En! Fuego~! Lethal does the Macho Man jump-over-the-ropes neck snap. Springboard missile dropkick, Lethal Combo and the Elbow Drop of Doom finish it.

WINNER: Jay Lethal via Elbow Drop (of Doom)

Rating: *.5 It was going well, but it was always going to be short, the pace was too high for it to go over 5 minutes. Common thread with TNA: Rush rush rush.

Post-match, Petey cold-cocks Lethal with the briefcase as we cut to commercial.

As we come back, we see some case-related beatery from Williams to Lethal. Williams is on the mic and cuts a great promo before calling for the bell. Ref delays, but does so, then Petey hits the Sick Flip Piledriver The Canadian Destroyer. New champeen.

Rating: NR So the Sonjay feud is not going to be for the title, huh? Such a shame, he really deserves a run with the belt. So, Curry Man or Shark Boy next for Petey?

TO THE BACK, LAX and Salinas with aformentioned generic bimbo. Hernandez is channeling Joseph with the Amazing Technicolor Poncho. Weird promo. Homicide can do SO much better than that.

Matt Morgan is incoming. Talking about Cornette being his father figure, and how timing is everything. He then talks about his sacrifices. I wonder what the next PPV is called? Did he just say wrestling anals? The word is ANNALS, but you’re probably right the way you said it. Decent promo otherwise, I cannot believe Vince and Company wasted this guy with a stuttering gimmick.

COMMERICAL. 38 minutes, 1 real match. They crossed the line alright.

Backstage with bimbo and Joe. I’m adding the word “Sacrifice” to the drinking game. 3 to catch up. Joe talks about how much the belt means, while Nash strokes his beard in the background. Joe is not afraid of Angle and looks forward to the match.

Match 2: LAX vs Kaz and non-Super Eric vs AJ Styles and Tomko

DRINK during the intros. EY and Styles to start. Young down and Styles chokes him. Whip, AJ drops his head and eats a boot. Kaz tags in, springboard DDT gets 2. Kaz is whipped into hernandez, kicks him then kicks AJ and Tomko for good measure. Hernandez comes in and KILLS Kaz, and Tomko kills…Eric. Young is running off as Kaz hits a sit-down jawbreaker on Styles. Gee, wonder where he’s going. Commercial.

Back in time to see a spinning heel kick from Kaz to Tomko. Clusterfuckery leads to a Tornadoplex on Kaz, but Homicide breaks the pin. Tomko picks up Homicide, both men fall to the outside. FLYING LATINO by Hernandez to Tomko. In the ring, Kaz has AJ…FLUX CA-FREAKING-PACITOR! Super Eric is here, Kaz with the tag and AJ is CONFUSED! Shots, Eric drops his head, but AJ reads it and goes for the Styles Clash, reversed, SWANK Northern lights suplex with a bridge gets the surprise 3! New champeens!

Rating: ** Meh. It was an uber-fast cluster with a crazy ending that just furthers the Russo-rific mire of the midcard. There were some nice spots, but spots do not a classic make. The commercial really hurt the match, too.

AJ and Tomko are yelling at Cornette about outside interference, because they are different people, since Super Eric said he had no idea who Eric Young was. Upshot is that if Eric doesn’t admit he is Super Eric, they get stripped of the belts. Oh for crying out loud.

Match 3: Team 3D vs Rhino and Christian Cage

Welcome back to WWE Smackdown!, circa 2002. What? Oh, really? OK. Cage fights off both guys but eventually eats a clothesling from Devon. Cage floats over into the inverted DDT for 2. Tage to Ray, Cage is back in control with chops, but Ray overpowers Cage, misses a punch but shoulder blocks Cage down. Charge into the corner misses, corkscrew elbow by Cage gets 1. Tag to Rhino, who drops his head and eats a foot, then gets a belly to belly on Ray for 2. Whip, another charge misses by Rhino this time, tage to devon but both dudleys eat a clothesline from Rhino. 3D to the floor, Cage off the top with the crossbody to the outside on both guys! Commercial.

Back and 3D are in control. DRINK. Devon with the delayed vertical suplex on Cage for 2. Chinlock by Devon. Shots to the gut by Cage, eye rake by Devon and in comes Bubba. Back body drop, then some shots to Rhino too. Ray perches Cage in the reverse tree of woe, and Devon does the old Petey Oh Canada nut squash. Cage is released from the Tree and Devon gets a 2. DRINK. Ray in, body slam and he goes to the second rope on the inside, Rhino distracts him long enough for Cage to crotch Ray, RANA from the second starnd gets 2. HOT TAGS, Rhino is a House! En! Feu~! Belly to belly gets 2 on Devon, Spinebuster to Ray. Debon knocks RHin o to the outside while he celebrates, Cage in ad goes for the Unprettier but gets a nut shot. Ray sets up, Rhino is setting in the corner, charges for the Gore but gets Cage! Devon in, BIG clothesline to…RAY! RHino ducks, then gets the rollup for 3!

WINNERS: Christian Cage and Rhino

Rating:**.5 Surprisingly good. It got enough time, told a decent story and even a mini-swerve with Rhino hitting Christian but that not figuring in the result. I just hope Cage and Rhino aren’t going into the tag division for a while…

Post match, Team 3D argue and shove. Oooh, a team splitting up. You don’t say, Russo! Team 3D in singles didn’t work in WWE, and it won’t work here. Zero buys. Maybe we can have BG and Devon vs Ray and Kip? Yeah, that’ll put an ass every 8 feet!

Backstage, Eric is playing with toy soldiers. Fabulous. Cornette asks about Super Eric, and EY denies it again. Cornette wants to resolve it in the ring. As he is leaving he hears a commotion in the Knockouts locker room. Corny lays down the law and shuts them all up. DRINK. He calls the Knockouts spoiled brats and talks about what it was like in his day, and the sacrifices DRINK they made. Wow, what was the point of that?

Commercial.

We’re back and Cornette is in the ring with StyleKo. He apologises for the stupidity going on on this TV program. If only he knew how much ground that apology covered…he calls out Eric Young and calls AJ Styles simple. Kaz is out with both belts. Cornette no-sells it and calls Eric again, telling him to come out before 3 or they’ll lose the belts. Super Eric is out. Damn you, Vince Russo. Just put him on a fucking pole already. Super Eric calls Cornette Commissioner Gordon, and says he doesn’t know Eric Young. “Why is your mask getting red?” – Super Eric. Tremendous. Kaz pleads with Super Eric to tell the truth. He is Suepr Eric, son of Moltar, father of Zion. I swear to bejeebus. Corny strips Kaz and Super Eric of the straps, but does NOT award them back to StyleKo. Titles are now vacant until next week.

Bimbo’s name is apparently “Lauren”. I’ll forget that quickly. Kip James, Robert Roode and James Storm are with her. Kip is now the megstar allegedly. Storm tells Kip he’s pissed off because his cowboy gimmick didn’t get over in the 80s. OH NO HE DIDN’T! Storm cuts an awesome promo on Sting. Roode’s wasn’t bad either.

TNA Knockouts Title: Match 4: Roxxi Laveaux vs Amazing KONG!

I would do things to Roxxi. Kong, not so much. DRINK again during the intros. Tenay is in bad form tonight, West is tolerable. Adamle for Impact! Commercial before the match starts. Huh?

We’re back and underway. Kong shoves Roxxi down HARD. Knees to the chest, choke with the knee in the corner. Whip, Kong charges and squishes Roxxi. Ow. Hair beale. Roxxi shows spunk and fires back with forearms, but Kong just swats her liek bug. BIG forearm smash to the back by Kong. Machete-edge chop. That’s too big for a knife. Kong goes Sheik with CAMEL CLUTCH, make her humbell! Roxxi fights out with a shot to the jaw, shots in the corner, then she runs into Wall of KONG!. Slam, leg drop by Kong gets 2. Kong to the second rope!!! Roxxi moves. HUGE boot by Roxxi gets 2.877. Roxxi ducks the Uraken, spinning neckbreaker, senton splash gets another 2. Roxxi goes for the Voodoo Crusher, Kong is too big, BIG knee lift, a couple of backhand slaps, Uraken! Awesome Bomb! Good night!

WINNER, and STILL Knockouts champion: Awesome Kong! via Awesome Bomb.

Rating: ***.25 Very good match, Roxxi looked like a threat without making Kong look weak, the match was long enough, and I got to see the Uraken. I love me some spinning backfist action. Bayani, however, just loves some fist action. I’d love to see these two hook up again.

JB is backstage with Angle. He switches from goofy Angle to serious Angle to crazy Angle back to serious Angle. Make up your minds! We’ve had enough goofy Angle, I’d settle for either of the others for a while now.

Yes, TNA. Yes, yes, yes. A main event with some homegrown guys in it! I could have done without the Old Age Outcasts, but you can’t win them all. For a neophyte reviewer, this match should be challenging. DRINK.

Booker and Roode…no, Kip to start. Kip with a knee, some stiff shots, Booker blocks one and lays in some shots. Whip nin, Booker follows into a Kip elbow. Booker fights back, tags Sting who gets a few shots before taking a knee. Roode in, eats a hip toss and clotheslines. 2 count. Tag to BG who instantly yields control, ducks a clothesline and starts his trademark punches. He hits the last one on Kip, the referee gets distracted and this enables Storm to hit a lungblower on BG. 2 count for Roode. As we go to commercial, Roode tags in Kip.

Back in time to see Roode hit a nice drop kick on BG. Shots to BG in the corner, whip and clothesline in the corner by |Roode, then a neck flip. BG fights back, whip, collision. I smell a hot tag…Booker and Storm in! Booker with the leg lariat, Kip cuts him off and gets one too. Spinebuster to Storm. Spinaroonie attempt countered by a vicious kick by Roode. Storm with a kick to Booker, Storm goes for the beer bottle, ref is distracted…MATT MORGAN with the pump kick to Storm! Well that made no sense. Booker with the Axe Kick and the 3.

WINNERS: Booker T, BG James and Sting via Morgan-ference.

Rating: *.25 Wow, that was…bland. If they’re going to interest people, that match isn’t going to do it. There was just nothing in it.

Post-match, Booker is mad that Morgan interfered, and is madder at Sting that he condoned the interference. He challenges Sting for next week, and we go off the air with a preview for next week’s show.