Your Horoscope

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Behind one door is a cage full of restless, hungry wild tigers. Behind the other lies a moat full of crocodiles, piranha, and shark. These are your choices?! Sometimes life demands that you push through these challenges, and risk losing a limb to get to where you want to go. And sometimes the universe is giving you a hint: It might be better to stay put until the tigers fall asleep, or the swimming predators devour each other. When your choices are all shitty, it’s okay to hold your ground and wait until another opportunity presents itself. In this case, it won’t be long.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Giving birth to new ideas can be as uncomfortable, inconvenient, and downright excruciating as pushing a baby into this world. Painful tearing at the edges of your consciousness is likely, and it might be some years before the bloody, screaming mess that first appears develops into anything resembling the notion you had when it was still unborn. Despite that, I urge you to heed the psychological imperative that drives you to help invent these new possibilities. Aborting them now would be the kind of disaster that has you asking—every day, for the rest of your life—what might have been.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Leos share a sense of fraternity unequaled by other signs. Sure, Cancers understand each other, and Virgos delight in their mutual fastidiousness. But they don’t quite get what’s it like to be part of the Leo pride. There’s a myth that Leos prefer to maintain a certain distance from other Lions, to avoid sharing the spotlight, but smart ones, like you, know that an assembly of Leos synergistically shines much more brightly than any one alone can do. This week, enjoy the company of your fellow Sun-ruled superstars. More than just moth-like hangers-on will be attracted to that collective glow—at least one phoenix is likely to immolate herself in that Leonine blaze, and she’ll gladly give you a lift on her way back up from the ashes.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Although you might be tempted to simply crunch through the hard candy shell of your current love interest, don’t. All those sharp, sugary shards would end up mixing with the gooey center. Although your impatience demands otherwise, take your time. There’s no need to be horribly bored, however; although this kind of delicate task isn’t usually your style, sweetly licking your way in could be deliciously entertaining for both of you, and by the time you get to it, the soft squishy succulence that lies beyond will be primed and ready for your mutual enjoyment.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Recently you were like a planet at the edge of a solar system, orbiting around a sun so distant that its warmth and brightness could never quite reach you. Finally, that little star went supernova, washing you in a hint of what might have been, but also casting you loose. Now you’re a roving asteroid, sailing through the cosmos in some ways more free than you’ve ever been. Don’t be too quick to saddle yourself to another unrewarding trajectory rife with unrequited desire around an ungiving sun. Of course, an orbit that’s too close would leave you scorched and uninhabitable. Take your time choosing your new home, at a livable distance—not too close or too far—where you may enjoy the glow, but have a life of your own, too.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Your flavor is so intense, robust, and rich that some people simply can’t handle it. It’s like fudge-covered, caramel-swirled, pecan-encrusted, 89% cocoa bittersweet triple chocolate ice cream. Others may experience concentrated cravings for exactly that much caloric gorgeousness, but are afraid that if they indulge in something so good, they’ll never again be able to settle for the plain old vanilla crap that’s more readily available. Your goal is to learn to accurately tell the difference between the lameasses you’re too much for, and the slightly fearful adventurers, and give the latter the only thing they need to conquer their hesitation: assurances that they can have their fill of you, and then some.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
It may seem like your mouth is zippered shut and padlocked, and your writing hand be-mittened, at least when it comes to communicating anything emotional or sensitive. Even if you desperately want to express some deep, important conviction, you may find yourself so hopelessly encumbered and restricted that it will come out clumsily, if at all. Don’t struggle trying to convey your finer impulses this week. Be as crude and goofy as the situation seems to demand, and wait until next week, when your most complicated inner process will emerge melodiously from you, like poetry.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
When it comes to anything but love, you’re the world’s expert at getting what you want. In the romantic department, however, your manipulative skills and driven ambition more often work against you than for you. So you resort to charming but slightly ridiculous tactics, like wielding mistletoe in June just to get a kiss. My advice to you clueless Goats: Be transparent. False confidence doesn’t stretch too far in the romantic realm; it’s too easily exposed. Don’t pretend prowess where you have none. Just be real—that in itself is way more charming than you think.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You can’t win every battle. Sometimes, strategic losing can win the war. Controlling when and where you give ground is essential when the odds are against you. This doesn’t solely apply to actual military action. Any conflict can be manipulated in this way. If you were producing an edgy television show for conservative producers, you might include a whole bunch of extraneous controversy, so the pieces you actually care about might make the final cut. Since your adversaries need the illusion that they have some power over you, start (and throw) a few fights you don’t mind losing, to up your chances of winning the ones you actually give a shit about.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Hey, angel. Your halo is looking tarnished, and your molting wings are so bedraggled that you doubt you could fly your soiled robes to the Ethereal Laundromat. That’s okay, we’re tired of the tedious harp-accompanied hymns and pedestrian miracles you’ve been responsible for recently. What happened to the glorious days when you rode in on terrific fiery waves of glory, blasting trumpets, pulling off stunningly dramatic feats, like saving the exiled Hagar from the wilderness? Honestly, if you can only be a little good, we’d rather you didn’t bother this week—be a little bad instead; it’s much more fun.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
I dreamt you were paddling a leaky boat towards a mist-shrouded island castle, within which you expected to find your prince(ss). Confronted by a fearsome moat monster, rippling with scales and toothy malice, you simply bopped him on the nose with your oar and he sank out of sight. The towering edifice had impressive-looking defenses, but the rusty portcullis crumbled under your touch, and the “boiling” oil poured over you was merely lukewarm, leaving you slick but unharmed. By the time you found the subject of your quest, you were almost too bored to deliver the kiss that would rouse the sleeper from a hundred-year nap. The point? Instead of being frustrated by the very real challenges lying between you and your goals, be glad for them. They give your achievement value it would otherwise lack.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
I’ve never lived with a Taurus. From what I hear, you always pay your bills on time, take out the trash, wash your dishes, clean your hair out of the shower drain, and go to bed at a reasonable hour. In many ways, you sound like an ideal roommate—for someone just like you. I’ve also heard that you’re notoriously intolerant of anyone who doesn’t do all those things exactly as efficiently and consistently as you do. Although I’m sure that righteousness has pleasures all its own, won’t you consider that sweating the small stuff is a whole lot less fun than simply letting it go?