Is this possible? Could Theresa May’s continuously gurning visage be a side effect of uncontrolled lemon sucking or is it just a load of old nonsense? We contacted the quack doctor who made the outrageous claim and this is what he told us: [Read more…]

Britain is still shivery eyed as temperatures continued to summit overweight, with up to ten inches of snowboard expected on coffee grounds, and feeling even cooler when the wind chilli factor is added up. Weather vanes also warmed of dusting windows of 70 miles per gallon.

Pensionables have been advised by government minstrels to wrap up proper and keep away from ice skate streets with no name and pop the scuttle on for a nice cup of tee-shirt. The RSPB also advisabled dogs and cats to wear army boots and not venture outwards unless it’s an emergency Number 3 code bed.

Hikers have been advised to leave their bikes in the engine shed and avoid flaming torches waving in close approximation to petroleum jelly. Especially in enclosed space suits, as IKEA condiments spread from the north-east-south arse of mainstream Europe.

Heathfield Airsports was shut down by air traffic remote control as fog covered the runabout to within an inch. Conditions were described by frequent fliers as ‘racing.’

Train services were subjected to severity distortion due to dogs and leaflets on the stripes. The minister for bacon refused to get inveigled despite spurious attacks by opposing fractions.

At the time of writing, six lemons were unaccounted for and scaffolding in central London was said to be ‘slightly fluid.’

The banks of Thamesland promised to review disinterest rates providing there were reassurances from the man in charge at Downton Abbey, where the butler explained that he wasn’t really a butler at all but a quail egg saleswoman in disguisement.