The truth, the whole truth

I’ve been debating on whether or not I should write this blog post at all; and especially whether I should publish it. It’s a tough decision for me because it is intensely personal, more personal than anything else I’ve shared here. It’s just that I can’t be the only one who thinks or feels this way and I want to finally come right out and admit the full truth. Something which I have alluded to in past blog posts but never outright said it.

The truth is: I hate being fat.

There. I said it.

And I mean it. I hate being fat. I hate my fat body. I hate how it makes me look and I hate how it makes me feel. Being fat makes me feel gigantic, uncomfortable, awkward, slow, lumbering, ungraceful…I could go on an on.

I hate that I find it hard to walk anywhere right now. I hate that just bending down to pick something up off the floor leaves me breathless. I hate that my clothes don’t fit properly. I hate that it takes so much fabric to cover me up. I hate that when I look in the mirror I can’t see anything but how fat I am. I look in a mirror and the sight of my own body makes me sick.

I look at people who aren’t fat and I envy them, and wonder what does it even feel like? Being fat, being obese; it gets in the way. When your own body gets in the way of how you walk, how you sit, how you lay down; you have to rearrange your fat rolls so that it’s comfortable…what does it feel like to not have your body in the way? I’ve been fat for so long I’ve forgotten what it was like to not be fat.

I envy people who aren’t fat. I hate being fat. I don’t understand how I could ever accept and love this body as it is. No matter how many people preach body acceptance, I just cannot see how I could accept mine. I don’t want to accept it. I hate it. I loathe it.

It gets worse. Right now, I’m not only fat; I’m fat and depressed and sick and injured. So many strikes against me that I despair of ever being fit again. Before all this, when I was just fat, I dreamed of running more marathons, of travelling to run races and see the world. It wasn’t a stretch to believe those dreams could come true. As fat as I was I had already run one marathon. But now those dreams are nearly ashes. And I hate it. I hate this place I am in. I hate being fat. I hate being depressed and sick. I hate being injured.

But most of all I just really, really hate being fat.

This confession may or may not shock you, and you might be worried about me when you read it. I just want to reassure everyone reading this that I know I’m in a bad place right now, and I’m doing what I can to look after myself and be compassionate towards myself. I have a great support network in place and I’m not alone in this. I just wanted to put this out there because I know, I just know that there are other people who feel the same. People who find it hard to accept their bodies. People who look at those who preach acceptance and think they could never accept their own body. People who can’t imagine ever wanting to. If you’re reading this and thinking ‘that’s me’; you’re not alone. I feel that way every second of every day. The real struggle is in accepting that I don’t accept my body right now and being kind to myself anyway. That’s a lesson I’m desperate to hold on to.

If what I’ve said has affected you, and you want to comment but not in a public space, feel free to DM me on twitter or email me (thisfatgirlruns at gmail dot com). We can work on the lesson together.

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6 responses to “The truth, the whole truth”

“The truth is: I hate being fat”
Another truth is: you are Beautifully impersonal

If there are health issues the start a new workout. Remember it’s never late to start! After one yr you’d wish you had started today. You’ll get motivation from Pinterest. Don’t give up friend. Our body can stand anything, it’s just the brain. Make you Brain more stronger! 👍👍✨

Thanks for the comment. I’m actually looking into swimming for exercise. It would be great to be active again. I’m working hard on the brain stuff, it’s a struggle but an important one. I hadn’t thought of pintrest but I’ll take a look! Thanks for the idea!

This resonates with me in ways I can barely begin to explain. I’ve hated what I consider to be my ‘fatty self’ since I was child and despite running more ultra marathons than you can shake a stick at, I am and feel fat. It’s a horrible feeling and for me it’s a horrible cycle of being fat and then thinking, ‘oh well, may as well eat pizza or 4 mars bars’. I’m writing a blog post at the moment about it and how ‘life pressures’ are adding to a further downward spiral that I’m not sure how to get out of – I wasn’t sure if I could publish it as I’ve been far too open in my public writings before – which I felt has left me exposed. However, your post might just give me the belief to finish what I started and try and get on the ‘road to wellville’

Thank you for your comment. I would love to read your blog post and I’m glad I finally published mine. I know the feeling of ‘I’m fat already so I might as well…’. It’s a vicious cycle! I hope that you find your way to recovery soon and the life pressures ease up for you.

Hi. I saw your reply to Susan Calman about her podcast and that led me here to a blog post that may well have been pulled directly from my stupid head. I’ve been fat as long as I can remember and I’ve been miserable about it just as long. I was diagnosed with diabetes type two in May 2011 and I made huge changes. Drink, smoking, diet..all gone and modified. I lost fiveish stone by the November and was down to about 16 stone and raring to lose more. Then I did ankle ligaments and in the resulting seven years of intermittent activity and reinjury I’ve put it all back on. Now I’m laid up after finally getting ankle ligament surgery and hoping to fuck that this gets me back to exercising again. Anyway, enough about my auld shite. Just so you know that you are not alone and sometimes the biggest battles are in our heads. I’ll be following your struggle on twitter and I hope you crack that mountain as soon as possible!