Confessions of a SoFla Stepmom

Tag Archives: kids

Lets start this off with the fact that I said going shopping is the worst, not shopping itself. There is a clear difference and my loving husband and coworkers can attest that I can shop with the best of them…online. Amazon Prime is the best shit since sliced bread as far as I am concerned. Wait 7-10 days for an item to arrive? NOPE. Filter that shit out on Amazon and find someone who has it right meow! Also note that I LOVE going to the grocery store, its like my happy place. Much of a happier place when I could have Tervis full of the good shit doing my thing solo, but I digress. Lets break down why going shopping blows big ones, shall we?!

People are fucking idiots. This time I’m talking those of the adult kind. Like oh hey let me park my semi sized cart (yes, you know the one I am talking about- the 2 seater kids racecar bullshit I have only made the mistake of giving into ONCE) in the middle of the aisle where I’m not buying shit and chat with a neighbor while there are 10 other people trying to man their metal cart of shit around me. Sounds legit, right? Or how about when you are in a small section of clothing and someone is allllll up in your space about 2 hangers away sifting through the exact same rack at the same damn time? That is when we play a game of catch my elbow to your torso if you don’t give me the 30 damn seconds I need to find my size :) Oops, sorry! Then there are the adults that wander around like my 8 year old SD. These are the ones pushing carts on the wrong side, walking 3 adults deep HORIZONTALLY and not moving to let you pass by or mind fucked into their phone so hard I’m not sure what they are even doing there. Y’all need to stay at WalMart, mmmk?!

Kids. I get it, you have to take them places but can we please have some damn ground rules? How about if it fits, it sits…in the damn cart. Little Charlie will be much better off crushing that cookie in the comfort of the shopping cart. Instead we deal with kids touching everything, cart wheeling through aisles, hiding in racks of clothes (I am not trying to be tagged as “it” while sifting through Nike Pro’s, alright?!) and acting as tiny human speed bumps. Also, how about if they are IDK 10 or 12 like this one a-hole I saw, straight up riding in the cart ice luge style on the bottom rack we say that’s probably not a good idea?! Not my prob if he gets his foot checked by the next passer by but jeezuz people, come on!

Trying things on. 90% of the time I refuse. Just think about what you’re doing- sticking your stank ass into what someone else just did the same to ten minutes before? Ever hear of people trying on undies?! YEAH, THAT IS A THING. Order those bitches online and they arrive sealed in individual bags. File that one under #ProTip, you’re welcome. Bathing suits? No chance! That sticker isn’t protecting your goodies from somebody else’s gross lady bits for one second! Again…order online and return/exchange if you have to.

Electric carts. If I had to guess I’d say about 80% or more of the people using those things are not physically impaired enough to need them. Normally they are What’s Eating Gilbert Grape giant, old AF, lazy or a trifecta. Or drunk idiots like my brother (RIP)… SMDH. Anyways, these things are huge, loud and the drivers are the same. Cut the shit and walk it out if you can, your ‘beetus thanks you.

The list could go on and on really. I will stick to tracking 14 packages a week and playing whats in the box at work so long as I can dodge shopping as much as possible! Y’all can have those thrilling trips to the mall, LMK when you’re exiting so I can meet you for an adult beverage!

Soooo here we are on day two of the first week of school! YAY! I must admit although I have dreamt about this for a couple years (to avoid daycare costs and 24/7 entertaining SD), it is a bit odd. I mean I know I didn’t birth her (praise cheesus to that), but it is still a little mind-blowing that SD is in real life school, not some BS 3 hour VPK nonsense.

A kindergartener?! REALLY?! Am I that old!? Shit.

Anyhoo, there has been a trending convo that my other mom (& mostly my baffled non mom) friends in the past couple weeks: being THAT MOM. I am first to admit that I am OCD, need a paper trail for most communication or agreements, and have my calendar filled in through December. I think you all know a “THAT MOM”, in fact you do…MEEEEEE :) We are the ones who made gifts for the kids and teacher on their first day, the ones that make peanut butter banana sushi in lunches, the PTA pushing, overly involved ladies! I think that the evolution of Pinterest and how easily anyone can access crafty awesomeness on blogs has a LOT to do with the outrageous things us moms and smoms are doing with our “free time”. But seriously, what kid doesn’t want pb nanner sushi in their lunch!? I sure as hell would! I had these gems ready to go for the first day over a week ago:

Obvi I didn’t hand out an empty vase! Flowers were added the night before. DUH.

The truth is I am an ass kissing-overachiever by nature and I LOVE giving gifts. Ok, and I don’t mind out doing people either LOL! I had my volunteer app turned in June. Outfits are picked out for SD for the next 3 weeks (mind you we are on every other day visitation so it’s not THAT much to have together). I had a letter for our teacher in hand on orientation to explain our parenting plan and the bonkers amount of travel that SD would be encountering on our days (45 min, 33 mile trip one way) because I am concerned it may get crazy and I wanted her to be in the loop. And last night I already wrote another note asking how I could help and explaining that there would be clothing back and forth daily in her bag. A bit much? Maybe…but I like to cover my ass and be prepared.

This fall is my LAST full semester at USF, and I have 15 credit hours (3 courses on campus and 2 online). I’d say about mid September my head will spin trying to keep up with kindergarten happenings, my school work, a potential job and keeping this house in order-stay tuned for that doozie of a post! Hence, I am prepared before shit hits the fan. I have Labor Day vacay planned, Halloween mapped out-costume and all, visitation break downs through December, Thanksgiving in NYC set to book this weekend, Christmas Eve dinner reservations set (BTW I only had to call 35 times to get through to WDW dining… But Be Our Guest Restaurant looks SO worth it), and lots of other ridiculous shit handled…but it is HANDLED and everyone who is being judgey can kiss my ass :)

I’ll check back in after my first experience in the “car rider line” on Friday. I’m sure I will get yelled at or nearly truck a kid with the X5. Wh0ops!

As promised, below is my rendition of the Olive Garden Italian Dressing. GASP! Is this 2 posts this week?! OH SNAP! Personally I like it better than the real deal OG, but I may try and sub out the corn syrup for agave next go round. I’m not really a fan of OG and frankly I think it is a shame they call it “Italian”, but the salad and lovely 140 calorie a pop breadsticks are prettttty dang good. It has been at least a HOT 5+ years since I have gone to the joint too though, so don’t get all pissy patty** on me because you LOVE it or some shit!

Hot Mess OG Dressing

1/8 C White Vinegar

1/8 C White Wine Vinegar

3 tbsp grated parm

1/2 tsp garlic salt

1/2 tsp Italian seasoning

1/2 tsp salt

2 tbsp light corn syrup

2 tbsp reduced fat mayo

1/4 cup water

1 tbsp lemon juice

Mix all that jazz up and combine with a PREPARED (water & oil of your choice) packet of Good Seasonings Zesty Italian Mix

Chill 1 hour before serving, will keep 3-4 weeks in sealed jar or bottle. I used a Grolsch bottle I had saved for god knows what LOL.

**Pissy Patty side note: I have spent basically an entire “work day” cleaning up what seems to be 2 gallons of SD’s pee, because she “didn’t want to get up” last night and go in ohhhhh I don’t know where… MAYBE in the TOILET!?! Steam clean, rinse, repeat 5 times, sprinkle with baking soda, vacuum, dab with vinegar & water, wait to dry…STILL wreaks of urine. SUPER, right!?

BONUS RECIPE ALERT!!!

Breakfast at Denny’s Shot:

1 oz Jameson (or any whiskey will do, I know we can’t be fancy all the time lol)

1/2 oz Butterscotch Schnapps

Served chilled with an OJ back and a slice of bacon

(Thanks Megs for reminding me of this gem and adding the bacon!)

Happy Monday, we all managed to survive another…although many of us prob would have been better off with a couple bfasts at dennys to start it off !

I know what you’re thinking…tell us how you really feel lady, jeeze! Haha. Truth is I am SO BLAHHHH lately it is redonk. Let’s get the bitching out of the way first:

My summer school schedule sucks and I would rather pluck out my eyelashes one by one than learn more about spanish and the judicial process…oh and death and dying which is an “at your pace” online class that I have yet to start!

Life with SD is unlovely (yes, I just made that up) as usual. The sky is the limit with her tudes and lack of respect. Pretty positive she hasn’t watched TV in 2 weeks. WHOOPS! And to top it off I now have to drive 66 miles round trip to get her to summer camp at her new school. YAY

The lack of motivation I have to do anything besides crack open a bottle of vino lately is utterly embarrassing lol. Seriously, I barely make it to the gym twice a week. I have gone down to only vacuuming once a week… GASP! SN: in this heat (already in the 90s) with 2 shedding dogs it is gross. SHAMEFUL I tell you! My dinners are boring. I have fallen off the calorie counting wagon. And the last time we walked the dogs is prob a hot 14 days ago or so. I don’t even complete my OCD to-do lists anymore. I think I am dying lol.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!?!?!?!

So, in other (positive) random news…Hubs and I found a fabulous new hotel we stayed in last weekend for a night. Hilton Bonnett Creek Orlando-great rates, awesome pool and all around beautiful property. It’s on Disney property & Disney makes me happy lol. Let me not forget to add that the lobby bar has an outstanding Hendricks cucumber tini! It may be hot as shit outside but that equals tan bods, and vitamin D makes you (me) happy! Booked our fourth of July trip to Key West (& hubs bday). I’m doing my first “mud run” next weekend, which should be REAL interesting considering my lack of physical activity lately. Got tickets to Jason Aldean/Luke Bryan and plan on having an epic tailgate come August 10th. SD is doing a lock-in at our YMCA this Saturday…annnnnd “Parents Night Out” Friday-YATZEE. $32 well spent there folks. Headed to a food festival this weekend as well, snagged $5 tickets on living social. I learned that if you spray lemon furniture polish on your glass shower doors and let it sit for 15 min or so it just wipes it all away (are these really the things that excite me now?)-thank you Pinterest. Anything Pioneer Woman has turned out amazeballs. I am slowly but surely cutting down our monthly bills. Annnnnd last but not least I have not killed anyone-YET. Muahahahaha :)

So there you have it, I guess it isn’t SO bad in the life of this hot mess. HA! Til next time betches…

I literally just heard that come out of my 5 yr old SD’s mouth. Seriously. DONUTS. I think my head spun.

This brings me to a huge peeve I have…laziness when it comes to kids nutrition.

I grew up with the luxury of a stay at home mom who packed lunches everyday until probably sophomore year of high school. No square pizza, over processed dino shaped chicken nuggets or juice bags for this girl. I think that is a lot of the reason why I am appalled by what some parents feed their kids. When I hear someone say “Betsy only eats mac n’ cheese, nuggets or pizza” I have to refrain from asking them who the child is! Are you telling me you let your kids pick their foods? Do you play the short order cook at home (if in fact you cook at all) and cater to what they “will eat”. You probably let them have juice boxes or yoohoo with every meal too! Get out of here with that shit! Are you aware of how many diabetic children there are? How about obese kids? Don’t you know that you are shaping their habits for life right now?

AGHHH!

SD gets a protein, veg or fruit and a carb at each meal. One juice a day and the rest of the time it is milk or water…and although we may have to force it down, she drinks it. There are the occasional pizza nights (like once a month unfortunately-I LOVE pizza!), or cereal in the morning but I will bust out a no-sugar applesauce or fresh berries on the side for SOME kind of nutritious value with out even thinking. I’m not claiming to be perfect in the nutrition department (see About page & note the vodka), but I will say it is not that damn hard. SD isn’t too picky unless she asks what something is and decides she doesn’t like it (ex: spaghetti squash or mushrooms), but she sure as hell has to eat it still. Use leftovers from previous dinners, frozen veggies, switch to whole wheat products, whatever it takes to balance those little one’s meals!