WrestleCrapMania LIVE From Atlantic City, NJ, March 30, 2014!

GM: Hello everybody, I’m Gorilla Monsoon, joined in the broadcast position by Jesse “The Body” Ventura, and Jess, is the roof going to blow off of this resort or what?!

JV: This is what we’ve been waiting to see for weeks and for months, the inaugural WrestleCrapMania! Everyone’s talkin’ about the Heavyweight Title tournament, and wondering who’s gonna come out on top! All the speculatin’ and wondering comes to an end this afternoon, as we ain’t going off the air until we crown a new Heavyweight Champion of the World!

GM: Fourteen of the top competitors from all over this globe meet here in Atlantic City to determine who deserves the rights to be called WrestleCrap World Heavyweight Champion! All of this, plus a number of other highly important match-ups, we can’t wait to get this underway! Let’s go up to the ring for our opening ceremonies!

HF: Ladies and gentlemen, here to sing our National Anthem, nine-time Olympic Gold Medalist and long time New Jersey native….MR. CARL! LEW-IS!

GM: Huh! Quite the inauspicious way to open WrestleCrapMania!

JV: Actually, it kind of underscores what WrestleCrap is all about, don’t ya think?

GM: Highly unlikely! As Mr. Lewis takes his leave, we see the participants in the big 20 man, over-the-top-rope battle royal filing their way down the aisle here. This gives us a great opportunity to take a look at the beautiful seven-foot trophy that’s at stake.

JV: Yep, the Please-Don’t-Smash-Me-After-the-Match Memorial Trophy!

GM: Do you have to start this early?

JV: No, Gino, that IS the name of the trophy! I saw it when they took it off the truck earlier today!

GM: Well, I stand corrected! The ring really filling up with a sea of humanity; a number of individuals would love to have that prestigious trophy, I’m sure.

JV: The Black Scorpion would have that at the pawn shop in an hour–

GM: Will you be serious! Let’s throw it up to Howard Finkel, for the introductions!

JV: Pacman Jones wasn’t even in there four seconds, and Yang’s eliminated him!

GM: Pacman can do all of the standing around he wants now; his night’s over! No non-contact drills here in WrestleCrap!

JV: I think we’re down to about a dozen or so, Monsoon, as we see The Real Man’s Man and Oklahoma working over Montoya in the corner. I don’t think I have a favorite in this one.

GM: Booger misses a leg drop on Henry Godwinn, good thing Henry got outta there before the boom was lowered!

JV: Yeah, he’d have been all sorts of–

GM: Where’d The Weasel come from?!

JV: First off, he’s “The Brain”, and second, what *is* Bobby Heenan doing out here? He’s managing Mike Awesome in the opening round of the tournament!

GM: Seems to be an odd time to do some scouting as Duke Droese, The Dumpster laying in those right hands on the cranium of Booger.

JV: Henry Godwinn over, he and Duke are easing Booger into the ropes!

GM: They’re setting–wow, there goes Booger!

JV: I can’t believe it, they managed to get the 400-lb Booger over, just two guys!

GM: Honestly, it looked to me like Booger was out of gas, didn’t have a lot of fight or resistance left in em, Jess!

JV: That can happen in a battle royal, and Booger was very active in making eliminations early on. He could very well have drained himself of his reserve early!

GM: We see Richard Johnson, the remaining Johnson, with a forearm shot to Droese, meanwhile–wow, Santina Marella struck Ace right in the throat!

JV: It’s all legal, and Marella has eliminated Johnny Ace!

GM: Well, we won’t see either Dynamic Dude taking home that trophy, and I think every tag team that was in this match has at least–

JV: Oklahoma just clotheslined Droese out!

GM: Duke the Dumpster, he’s out of the running, and we’re really thinning the herd now. I see seven, eight….nine men left in this one. The Real Man’s Man has his flannel shirt off, wrapping it around the neck of Aldo Montoya, the Portuguese Man O’War!

JV: It’s all legal! Can’t disqualify Man’s Man for using clothing as a weapon!

GM: I don’t understand why he needs all of that attire on in the first place; he’s not cutting down any trees in there!

GM: The Stalker drops The Artist with a big body slam as we see Heenan looking on. He doesn’t appear to be openly rooting for anybody, does he?

JV: Nah, not in the least. He’s pretty composed, I gotta say, and that’s rare, because Bobby’s much more vocal. Maybe he has a gambling interest here; we ARE in Atlantic City, ya know.

GM: Knowing The Weasel, I’d hardly be surprised.

JV: Aww, Oklahoma threw a kick and The Stalker caught it!

GM: Oklahoma begging off, I doubt he gets any mercy–and the Stalker throws him on out!

JV: Oklahoma got atomic dropped over that top rope! I hope Bobby hadn’t bet on him!

GM: I doubt even Heenan would be that dumb!

JV: The Man’s Man attacking The Stalker from behind, while Henry Godwinn and Richard Johnson are having a power struggle.

GM: Certainly getting down to the nitty gritty in this one.

JV: Jimmy Wang Yang–BEAUTIFUL headscissors on The Artist! Got a few of the lighter athletes still in there, which is remarkable for a battle royal with so many heavyweights!

GM: Well, just goes to show you that being smart and watching your back can serve you well in this competition! Man’s Man really jacked The Stalker’s jaw with that European uppercut, that’ll loosen a molar or two!

JV: Richard Johnson takes down ol’ Hank with a big right hand–hey!

GM: Aldo Montoya just ran up and dropkicked Richard Johnson out!

JV: Just like that, both Johnsons are done for!

GM: Doesn’t appear Heenan broke a sweat on that one either! Have you seen him shout encouragement to anyone?

GM: Well, we’re about to get this tournament under way; William Regal’s made his way toward the back but The Brain’s staying at ringside. I can see why!

JV: Yeah, here comes Mike Awesome, nearly 300 lbs of muscle and mayhem! If Irwin R Schyster weren’t already gifted with a bye, I’d have Awesome as my pick to take it all!

GM: Well, just a reminder that in the first round and the quarterfinals, time limits are fifteen minutes each, while the semi-finals and final will have no time limit whatsoever.

JV: Absolutely, you’ll see a sense of urgency in those early round match-ups.

GM: Let’s go up to Howard Finkel!

HF: The following contest is a first round match in the WrestleCrap World Championship Tournament! Introducing first, currently in the ring, accompanied by his manager, Bobby “The Brain” Heenan, from Tampa, FL, weighing 292 lbs, here is…MIKE….AWE-SOME!

JV: Look at the size of this gladiator!

*cue “Matador” by Jim Johnston*

GM: He may have the size, but he’s gotta contend with the speed and agility of his opponent, making his way out now!

GM: El Matador will have his hands full with Mike Awesome here in this first round contest! It’s going to take a lot to take the big guy off his feet, but I believe El Matador has the intestinal fortitude to get the job done!

JV: I dunno, Monsoon, El Matador’s a great wrestler, but Mike Awesome is just so powerful!

GM: Plus he’s got that walking advertisement for birth control lurking around the corner there. You know he’ll get involved first chance he gets!

JV: Nah, I think the Brain will be much more careful here; you can get disqualified here, unlike in a battle royal.

GM: Oh, no question. That’s why it’s so important to listen to the official, dot your I’s in this tournament. One mistake could cost you everything.

JV: Definitely.

GM: Bell’s gone, we’re under way as El Matador tries to solve this massive puzzle standing before him. Collar and elbow tie-up–HUH, Awesome sent him flying backward to the mat!

JV: That’s the strength of Mike Awesome on display! Matador’s not going to match him upper body to upper body!

GM: Can’t take too many falls like that, they’ll give you a negative attitude in hurry. Matador now, going for a takedown, he’s got the leg.

JV: No, Awesome clubs him across the back of the neck! Like bringing a baseball bat down on the spine! Awesome, hammering away!

GM: Awesome hammering El Matador like a railroad spike, doing it almost effortlessly. Setting him up now, wow, he bealed him three-quarters of the way across the ring!

JV: El Matador may wanna think about catching a breather, he’s got a nine count outside that ring, the muscles must be knotting up with each landing!

GM: Big overhand chop from Awesome, he whips Matador into the ropes–ohhh, Matador with a low block!

JV: He clips the knee of Awesome, who’s limping around the ring!

GM: Matador takes Awesome down by that leg, could be a figure four–no, Awesome kicks him off!

JV: Awesome may have tweaked that knee good, the left knee, as he charges in–

GM: No, Matador moves and Awesome rams the buckle! Matador now–dropkick and a beauty, Awesome in a bad way in that corner!

JV: Matador on the rope now, he’s setting him up!

GM: Raining down right hands as this capacity crowd counts along! Eight, nine, ten shots to the cranium of Mike Awesome!

JV: Bobby Heenan barking out commands, he wasn’t expecting to see Awesome on defense like this!

GM: Awesome dazed as Matador lunges off the ropes–

JV: Woah, he misses the flying forearm! Awesome wisely sidestepped, and Matador bounces off the canvas like a jumping bean!

GM: I beg your pardon?

JV: Hey, jumping beans are a part of his culture and his diet, don’t ya know?

GM: Mike Awesome now, dropping an elbow across the chest of Matador, and with the cover–two count is all. He didn’t hook the leg there. A big mistake.

JV: Yeah, Matador was able to kick out the back door; gotta think like a veteran when you’re in there with El Matador.

GM: Awesome planting knees into the back of Matador, no doubt softening him up for that Awesome Bomb, a move that can put you in the hospital, and very likely out of commission for a long period of time.

JV: That’s a move that destroys the entire spine, top to bottom!

GM: If Awesome gets the proper curve on the drop, he really grinds the cervical foramina together.

JV: The *what*?

GM: The openings between the vertebrae, Jess.

JV: Well, just say that then! Awesome, sending Matador into the ropes–

GM: Ohh, he lowered the head and paid for it; Matador with a boot to the face!

JV: This is an opening for El Matador!

GM: Matador off the ropes–FLYING FOREARM! And he knocks Awesome off his feet!

JV: Look at Heenan, he can’t believe it!

GM: Matador now, going back to that leg, could be setting up for–GET THE WEASEL DOWN FROM THERE!

JV: Heenan to the apron to create a diversion; it’s worked as Matador–OHH, HE JUST POPPED BOBBY HEENAN IN THE MOUTH!

GM: Heenan being accosted by El Mat–LOOK OUT!

JV: Ohh, Matador moved and Awesome crashed right into The Brain!

GM: Matador with a schoolboy–no, couldn’t em, only two!

JV: El Matador nearly with the upset as he charges off the ropes again–WOAH, turned inside out with a Mike Awesome clothesline!

GM: Mike Awesome rotated El Matador like a tire after that shot, he got knocked silly by it!

JV: Now he’s giving the signal, he’s setting up El Matador!

GM: Lifting him high over his head, here it comes–

JV: THE AWESOME BOMB CONNECTS! It’s over!

GM: That’s all she wrote for El Matador, this one’s history! That’s two matches now that Bobby Heenan’s played a part in ruining!

HF: Here is your winner, Mike AWE-some!

JV: Yeah, but ya gotta give it to em, he’s a hands-on manager, and he wants the prestige that comes with managing the champion!

GM: El Matador might not even be aware of what’s happened to em here, as Heenan raises Awesome’s hand. Huh, Heenan might have a split lip!

JV: All in a day’s work for the greatest manager in the game!

GM: Let’s throw it to our interview booth, where Mean Gene Okerlund is standing by with, of all people, Michael Cole! Take it, Gene!

—

GO: Joining me at this time, the self-proclaimed Voice of WrestleCrap–

GO: Be that as it may, Michael Cole, tonight you look to come through on a challenge to Gregg Maffews, as you unveil a mystery opponent. Do you have any details as to this individual’s identity?

MC: First of all, Gene, you’re a little too on-point for this position for my liking; you need to work on your bland competence and personal appearance more. It wouldn’t take much for me to convince Tony Dawson to fill in for you, you know.

GO: I beg your pardon!

MC: But as far as Gregg Maffews goes, this dork, this chump, I’ve found the perfect opponent to take him on, but my forte isn’t talking about wrestling matches. I’d rather talk about the mind state of the competitors, while throwing in a not-so-subtle plug for a reality series or a social media endeavor–

GO: In that case, Gorilla and Jesse, back to you!

—

JV: Wow, Mean Gene cut off Michael Cole! Wonder if he’ll have a surprise Wellness strike in the next week!

GM: Let’s go up to The Fink!

HF: The following contest is a first round tournament match. Currently in the ring, from Minneapolis, MN, weighing in at 235 lbs, “Mr. Ad-uh-quit” Curtis AX-el!

GM: Mr. Adequate, looking quite fired up for his chance at becoming WrestleCrap World Champion! Looks in pretty good shape as well!

JV: Hey, the kid’s got great genetics! The excitement factor may have been recessive, but he’s in terrific condition, at least!

*cue “Dragon Fire” by Jim Johnston*

GM: Well, he’s dealing with a pro in this one, and it promises to be a classic!

HF: His opponent, from Honolulu, HI, weighing 235 lbs, THE DRAG-ON!

GM: The Dragon, literally bringing the fire to this match-up! What an awesome specimen this man is!

JV: There are few more impressive athletes in professional wrestling than The Dragon, but his flash and flair can be extinguished by textbook wrestling, something Mr. Adequate has in spades!

GM: Woah! Excuse ME!

JV: It’s an impressive fireball, but he can’t use it in this match! He’ll get disqualified!

GM: Yeah, but what kind of condition would Mr. Adequate be in if The Dragon scorched him? I doubt he’d be able to make it to the next round!

JV: That’s true, but his grandfather, Larry “The Ax” Hennig, would probably trudge forward! You’d have to burn him to a crisp to keep him from wrestling!

GM: No doubt about it! Bell’s gone, and we’re under way as we see both Dragon and Adequate jockeying for position, circling one another.

JV: I tell you, this could be the sleeper match of the night, Gorilla.

GM: Wouldn’t surprise me as the two lock up, Dragon with the arm, twisting it, wow, wrings it a second time!

JV: Well, we see Mr. Adequate catapult The Dragon at the post, but Dragon lands with both feet on that middle rope, great presence of mind! Adequate had just enough of a lull, a breather, to where Dragon could set his feet and propel off with a second crossbody, and Mr. Adequate wasn’t turning this one over!

GM: An impressive victory for The Dragon! Let’s throw it to Mean Gene, who’s standing by with Gregg Maffews!

—

GO: Joining me, one of the new sensations here in the WrestleCrap scene, a man of great worldwide renown, young Gregg Maffews. Mr. Maffews, come on in here, I’ve got to ask you about your match tonight against a mystery opponent hand-selected by Michael Cole. Are you at all concerned about being thrown into a match with someone largely a great unknown?

GM: You know, Gene, I think if you knew the first thing about me, you’d know by now that nothing fazes me. I’ve watched the worst wrestling matches, sitting through hours upon hours of absolute rubbish to toughen myself mentally. If you think The Mega Crappers, and even Sean Carless, cornered the market on the worst in wrestling, then you’re wrong. I hope no one considers it arrogance that I consider myself an evolutionary in the field of self-inflicted tough love. Cole, you talk too much. Bring your worst.

GO: Thank you very much, Gregg Maffews. Take it away, Gorilla and Jesse!

—

GM: Quite a bit of confidence expressed by that youngster, Gregg Maffews, as he gets set to face Michael Cole’s trump card, whoever that may be.

JV: Yeah, well I think he’s bitten off a little more than he can chew!

GM: Let’s go up to Howard!

*cue “Grave Secrets” from the Bruton music library*

HF: The following contest is a first round tournament match. Introducing first, from Parts Unknown, weight unknown, The Black SCOR-PI-ON!

JV: The Black Scorpion, very mysterious and very creepy, but very dangerous in that ring! Perhaps the best pure wrestler in all of WrestleCrap!

GM: Yeah, but does he need all of this science fiction pageantry, Jess?

JV: Hey, it’s part of the intimidation game. Kinda like when an angry cat raises the back half of its body to scare a predator, making itself look bigger. It’s elaborate, but it’s all done for a good reason.

GM: Well, I can’t argue his methods. The Black Scorpion lasted nearly a half hour in the Royal Rumble this year.

JV: He’s certainly got endurance to spare. But Scorpion’s gotta get the job done in less than fifteen minutes for these first couple’uh rounds.

GM: Removing the cape, doing so with kind of an ominous grace, as it were. What a real piece of work.

GM: Dr. Isaac Yankem, DDS. Take a look at THIS monstrous individual! He’s got no love loss for The Black Scorpion!

JV: Definitely, they went at it tooth and nail, if you’ll excuse the pun, in the Royal Rumble, both lasting quite sometime among the fray. In a one on one match-up though, I gotta favor The Scorpion, I think.

GM: Ya think so?

JV: He’s going to pace himself better, and he’s not prone to fiery outbursts like the dentist over here. Scorpion knows it’s a marathon, not a sprint, and ya know–

GM: Wait a minute, Scorpion on the attack! Yankem catches him and is pummeling Black Scorpion, we’re under way! You were saying?

JV: The Black Scorpion saw an opening, and it backfired! What a mistake!

GM: Yankem’s got Scorpion pinned in that corner, just hammering him like a punching bag! Scorpion can’t get out of the starting blocks!

JV: It’s going to be over real fast if–WOAH!

GM: Yankem with a high uppercut, and The Black Scorpion goes sailing over the top rope!

JV: What a devastating shot from Isaac Yankem, but I have to question him not going out to follow up. Unless he’s reasonably sure he can get a countout from that beating alone, he needs to go out there and continue the attack!

GM: Yankem seems awful content to let Scorpion gather his bearings–

JV: A mistake!

GM: Well, we’ll see if it costs him later on, as Scorpion tries to steady himself, getting back onto that apron.

JV: You need to stay aggressive, because a wrestler the caliber–

GM: Ohh, Yankem helps Scorpion in the hard-way, slingshotting him with the ropes! A cover, two, and no, not enough.

GM: Didn’t appear to bite Yankem as he sets up Scorpion now, wow, what a right hand that was!

JV: A closed fist, referee Tim White needs to admonish Yankem!

GM: Scorpion, on dream street after that, and look out–

JV: Yankem clotheslines Scorpion up and over, the second time he’s flown to the concrete in this one!

GM: Isaac Yankem in complete control, and now he’s going after him!

JV: A smart move, but he has to be careful not to risk getting counted out himself.

GM: Yankem on the prowl as The Black Scorpion now, trying to get away from the deranged dentist. Distance is his ally right about now.

JV: Yankem’s giving chase, it’s turned into a cat and mouse game down at ringside, and Yankem’s gaining ground!

GM: Scorpion back in, Yankem on his heels–and Scorpion stomps the head of Dr. Yankem!

JV: Ha ha, brilliant move on the part of The Black Scorpion! He’s as cerebral as any wrestler you’ll ever see, outsmarting Yankem!

GM: Scorpion lowering the boom, dropping those knees across the back of Yankem’s neck, keeping him horizontal for the time being. I gotta hand it to em, The Black Scorpion turned the tide when it was looking bad for him.

JV: That’s what a great wrestler does, finds escape when there appears to be none, and look at Scorpion, picking up the larger Yankem. I’d be trying to keep him down if I were him.

GM: What’s this here–belly to back suplex, getting big Isaac Yankem off his feet!

JV: Wow, what strength on the part of The Black Scorpion!

GM: A two count is all. Wow, was THAT close!

JV: Yankem may be more surprised than anything that The Black Scorpion lifted him off the canvas on that suplex.

GM: Scorpion with Yankem against the turnbuckle now–WOW, lit em up with that knife-edge chop!

JV: Scorpion’s pouring on the punishment, reddening the chest of the big dentist, now try–uh-oh.

GM: Uh-oh is right, Scorpion tried to whip Yankem across, but Yankem’s having none of it!

JV: Yankem pumps the brakes, and now reverses it, hammering Scorpion in the corner now! Scorpion’s trapped like he was earlier!

GM: Scorpion in a heap of trouble, as Yankem fires him across–huh, Scorpion gets turned upside down against the buckle!

JV: Scorpion tumbles over to the apron, now he’s running to the other buckle! I think he’s been knocked through a loop, running on fumes!

GM: Scorpion off the top–CLOTHELINED out of mid-air by Yankem! A cover, can he–no, just a count of two! Wow, Scorpion just out the backdoor!

JV: Yankem’s taking advantage of Scorpion’s poor decisions, but he’s not putting him away. That’s a mark of Scorpion’s resilience, if nothing else.

GM: Yankem now, trying to go for maybe an atomic drop, but Scorpion–look, he’s holding on to the referee! Come on ref, don’t let–HEY!

JV: Scorpion just kicked Yankem low while pulling the referee in, and Tim White didn’t see it! Wow, what a risky move!

GM: Scorpion with the cover–two count is all! That should be a disqualification!

JV: Yeah, but Black Scorpion made sure that the ref didn’t see the illegal act! Now Scorpion choking away at Yankem!

JV: The Black Scorpion advances in the tournament, even though I’ll admit, it’s pretty controversial how he went about doing so!

GM: Isaac Yankem complaining to the referee, saying Scorpion had to be doing something for extra leverage on that pin!

JV: Can’t reverse the decision, what’s done is done! Yankem will just have to work for an opportunity another day!

GM: Please! Right now, let’s go back to Sean Mooney, who I believe is with The Twin Towers, and the Doctor of Style, Slick!

—

SM: Thank you, Gorilla; I’m being joined by Akeem the African Dream, The Guardian Angel, and stepping between the ropes tonight–

S: EXACATIVELY!

SM: The Doctor of Style, Slick. Slick, I’ve gotta ask you, do you feel safe stepping into the ring, knowing that Kamala, The Ugandan Giant, has had his ire drawn by you after you double-crossed him this past December?

S: Mista Mooney, such concerns are of NO concern! Take a look around you, homes, this is over 800 lbs of huuuu-man-uh-tee! Akeem and The Guardian Angel are my great protectors, here to serve AND protect! And what better way to serve their fellow Slickster, than by taking out the collective garbage that is Kamala and Saba Simba! I don’t even need to reach out for the tag, my men’ll handle the job a hundred and twenty percent, HA HA!

SM: Slick, are you saying you have no plans to tag into the match whatsoever?

S: Oh no, Mr. Rented Tuxedo, I WILL be tagging in, ha ha, but not until the job is done! My men here, they’re gonna let the Doctor of Style do the honors of scorin’ the pin, know what I’m sayin? And I just hope it’s that ignorant puddin’-head Kamala that takes the fall, because I’d be more than happy to count HIM down, HA HA HA!

SM: Back to Gorilla and Jesse!

—

JV: Can you imagine? Slick getting the pin on big Kamala?!

GM: What an injustice *that* would be. Let’s go up to Howard.

HF: The following contest is a first round tournament match. Introducing first, from Parts Unknown, weighing 294 lbs, HEI-DEN-REICH!

JV: Miz with an opening here as Heidenreich is dazed–Miz follows up with a dropkick, but he still can’t bring big Heidenreich to the mat!

GM: Miz, the Southpaw, hammering away, trying to get this monster off his feet, hasn’t done it yet.

JV: What–HE’S BITING HIM!

GM: The Miz having a late lunch, biting the face of Heidenreich! That’s a wake-up call for ya!

JV: Why would you wanna big Heidenreich mad?!

GM: Miz continuing to hammer away, maybe trying to draw blood from–wow, Heidenreich just FLOORED him with a big right hand!

JV: It’s been all fisticuffs so far, referee John Bonello needs to step in and keep it a wrestling match. Especially for Miz’s sake!

GM: Heidenreich not done yet, he’s setting up Miz, possibly going for that shoulderbreaker he favors.

JV: No, continuing to turn this into a boxing match, there’s a shot to the jaw, now picking him up–

GM: Ohh, drops Miz throat-first on that top rope! He clotheslined him off of the strand! Going for the cover, is it–no, still only two!

JV: Heidenreich’s thrown everything he can think of at Miz, except for that shoulderbreaker, here in the early going.

GM: He’s got an idea of some sort, he’s lifting Miz over his shoulder now. Uh oh, he’s pointing at that turnbuckle! Could be going upstairs!

JV: Miz won’t survive this fall, I don’t think!

GM: Heidenreich may be going for a superplex, looking to finish this one off and meet The Black Scorpion in the–Miz firing back, he’s staggering Heidenreich!

JV: He’s tenacious, that Miz, he’s got Heidenreich reeling!

GM: A big left to the kisser, and Heidenreich stumbles off the ropes! Still not off his feet as of–OOH, DOWN HE GOES!

JV: Miz flies in with a diving clothesline, he may have–no, just a two count! Wow, that was close!

GM: The Miz, coming back with that flying clothesline, certainly surprised Heidenreich, that’s for sure! What’s going to happen if Heidenreich fails to eliminate The Miz, will IRS be displeased or what?

JV: I imagine there’ll be some penance in order, knowing Schyster, as Miz now, drops a knee across the forehead!

GM: Not used to seeing Heidenreich off his feet like this, as Miz lands another knee, can he get–no, count of two.

JV: Miz has softened Heidenreich up, though, and it could be time for that Skull Crushing Finale. Can he manage to wrap the monster up in it, though?

GM: Miz not done, he senses Heidenreich has a lot of fight left–wow, what an inverted atomic drop!

JV: Surprised he got Heidenreich airborne, even for the split second needed! And a big clothesline takes Heidenreich off his feet again!

GM: Miz may be getting ready for it, that Skull Crushing Finale, let’s see if he’s strong enough to get the full nelson, the first part, on Heidenreich!

GM: Heidenreich just snapped Miz over, and the referee got taken down!

JV: No ref! Now we’ll see what they do!

GM: Heidenreich now going for that shoulderbr–no, Miz with a backdrop and a beauty!

JV: All instinct from the Miz–where’s Heidenreich going?!

GM: Heidenreich leaves the ring, over to the timekeeper’s position–getting a chair, and there’s still no referee! Actually, it looks he’s stirring, this could be a mistake on Heidenreich’s part!

JV: Heidenreich has to hurry if he’s going to get this in before John Bonello wakes up! Ohh, Miz grabs the chair! They’re having a tug of war!

GM: Bonello finally to his feet, he sees the chair! Does he know who brought–

JV: WOAH!

GM: Bonello tried to grab the chair, and they swung him to the mat from the struggle!

JV: A hard landing for the–ohh, he’s calling for the bell!

GM: Miz pulls the chair, and he nails Heidenreich in the ribcage with it!

JV: What’s the decision?!

HF: Ladies and gentlemen, the referee has ruled that both men are disqualified! This match is a double disqualification!

GM: WOW, both men have been eliminated from the tournament! The Black Scorpion’s on his way to the semi-finals!

JV: That’s right!

GM: Scorpion with the break of a lifetime as The Miz protesting to the official, saying he didn’t bring the chair into the ring. It’s going to fall on deaf ears I’m afraid!

JV: Heidenreich’s gone as well, but for IRS’ sake, at least Miz–WHAT THE?!

GM: Ohhh, The Miz just bashed the referee in the head with that chair!

JV: He should be suspended! He assaulted a WrestleCrap official, and did so flagrantly!

GM: Miz now appealing to the fans, not getting many cheers I’m afraid!

JV: Yeah, why would people cheer for a man who’s been known to do sinister things time and time again, when he’s done nothing to redeem himself! And then he keeps DOING those things?! What a moron!

GM: A double-disqualification ends this one; right now, let’s take you to Sean Mooney, standing by with Saba Simba, and The Ugandan Giant, Kamala!

—

SM: I’m here with Saba Simba and “The Ugandan Giant” Kamala, the latter of whom has revenge on his mind! Saba, you’ve been training with Kamala here in preparation for this tense battle. Have you been able to get him to focus on anything but Slick?

SS: Ever since this match was signed, my man Kamala here has been champin’ at the bit to get his hands on that filthy ingrate, The Slug-ster! If you don’t wanna manage Kamala anymore, you tell him like a MAN, but you’re not a man, are you, Slick? For nearly four months, Kamala’s had his mind set on hurting Slick, and breaking every bone in his skinny body! But to answer your question, Kamala knows that he must bring down those fat goons Akeem and the Angel first! When that happens, there ain’t no shield protecting Slick, and he will feel Kamala’s wrath!

(Kamala lets out a battle howl)

–

GM: I wouldn’t wanna be in Slickster’s shoes when the time comes for that handicap match, I’ve got news for ya!

JV: Hey, ya never know; maybe the Slickster’s been working on his in-ring abilities!

GM: Gimme a break!

JV: He could surprise you out there with some Hackenschmidt-like offense!

GM: Let’s throw it up to Howard.

HF: The following contest is a first round tournament match. Introducing first, currently in the ring, from Parts Unknown, weighing 403 lbs, MAN-TAUR!

GM: It’s up to Mantaur to get at least one more Schyster Family member into the quarterfinals. After Heidenreich got himself disqualified just moments ago.

GM: Braxton off the ropes–he gets nailed with a hard shot from Mantaur! Almost knocked him right out of his boots!

JV: Mantaur wasn’t gonna be Braxton’s punching bag for two long–WHAM, what a knee drop! It could be all over!

GM: Two count only, Braxton able to get the shoulder up!

JV: Mantaur just needs to lean on em, keep bringing the fight. Braxton can’t have too much wind in his sails.

GM: Actually, if you recall, both of these men lasted nearly 40 minutes in this year’s Royal Rumble, Jess. Mantaur now with Braxton in the buckle–aww, just drove his weight into him backward! He’s trying to flatten him against the corner!

JV: Mantaur, all that beef, oh and he rams him again! Braxton gasping for air!

GM: Well, Blade Braxton certainly won’t last much longer if he stays in this predicament, you’ll be able to stick a fork in em.

JV: Mantaur just might!

GM: Mantaur sends Braxton across, here he comes–

JV: Woah, Braxton got the knees up and Mantaur takes em to the sternum!

GM: Braxton with a quick-thinking counter, now he’s headed upstairs. Mantaur, not aware–oh, now he is–Braxton with the double axe handle, and Mantaur drops to a knee!

JV: I can’t believe it!

GM: Braxton now, dragging the massive Mantaur to the ropes, what’s he doing here? Looks to be laying Mantaur across that middle rope, now building a head of steam–

JV: Braxton with a leap across the back of Mantaur! Taking turns knocking the wind out of each other!

GM: Mantaur slumps to the mat and Braxton–drops a knee, going for the cover–no, only two. So very close!

GM: Mantaur caught Braxton’s charge, and he’s got em up with a two-handed choke! Referee counting, and Mantaur spikes Braxton on the count of four!

JV: Braxton hit that mat hard, and Mantaur–drops the big elbow!

GM: Going for the cover–close, but only two!

JV: Mantaur really used Braxton’s momentum against him on that move, and now Mantaur sending Braxton to the outside.

GM: Well, a count-out’ll end it, but Mantaur’s following him out, so that’s not his intention, at least I don’t *think* it is.

JV: Braxton trying to get to his feet, think Mantaur’s waiting for him–wow, he just plowed right into Braxton, knocking him into the railing!

GM: Braxton right into the steel, and he may be done!

JV: Looked like he went chest first into that security railing, he appears to still be awake, but I don’t think nobody’s home!

GM: Mantaur now, not done, picking up Braxton as the count’s up to four–OHH. He just rammed him back first right into that ringpost!

JV: Nearly broke Braxton in half with that battering ram-like move! He’s gonna finish this in the ring, forget the countout!

GM: Braxton rolled back inside with Mantaur on his heels. It’s not looking good at all for Blade Braxton, in the least.

JV: Mantaur in complete control, dragging a hurt Braxton to the center of the ring. May be looking for that coup de gras sooner rather than later. Off the ropes–ohh, and he misses the elbow drop!

GM: Took too long measuring Braxton, and there was no water in the pool! Braxton using the ropes to get to his feet!

JV: I tell ya, whoever wins this, it’s not looking good for them in the remaining rounds!

GM: Braxton now, firing right hands at the head of Mantaur, bouncing them off the skull! Mantaur looking winded!

JV: He’s gotta get Mantaur off his feet, Braxton, if he’s gonna pull this off!

GM: Braxton off the ropes–no, Mantaur scoops him up!

JV: Mantaur with Braxton over his shoulder, this could be a powerslam!

GM: Braxton, flailing, kicking those legs–ohh, down the back goes Braxton–LOOK AT THIS!

JV: HE JUST SLAMMED MANTAUR!

GM: Blade Braxton with an unbelievable show of strength, Mantaur may be more surprised than hurt! And look, Braxton headed to the top! Bombs away–YES, Braxton with the Flying Elbow! Hooks the leg!

JV: HE GOT EM!

GM: Braxton follows up the stunning bodyslam with the Flying Elbow; let’s get the official word!

HF: Here is your winner, BLADE BRAX-TON!

GM: Let’s see how this happened!

JV: Well, Mantaur has Braxton up for a slam, but Braxton shimmies down the back, and then surprises more than just Mantaur, maybe even himself, by slamming the 400-pound monster! At that point, the Flying Elbow was academic, 1-2-3, and Blade Braxton’s in the quarterfinals!

GM: Real Deal Reynolds no doubt proud of his best friend; he’s standing by with Mean Gene!

—

GO: Joining me, perhaps the strongest force in ALL of WrestleCrap! Real Deal Reynolds, come on in here, you appear to be in the best shape of your life as you get ready to do battle with Irwin R Schyster in the quarterfinal! You’ve wanted IRS one on one for several months now, what about it?!

RD: Well, as you’re likely aware but will receive a reminder anyway, Mean Gene, it’s been nearly four months since IRS and his big stinky nasty wart-infested Schyster Family poked their noses into WrestleCrap, attacking Brother Blade and I, man! We haven’t forgotten what the Schyster Family started, brother, and we intend to finish the fight tonight! I’m already proud that Brother Blade took care of that big warthog Mantaur, and that that Heidenreich dude already eliminated himself, brother. That means that when I take Irwin R Schyster, and plant him in the ground, the Schyster Family’s out of the picture, man! But it isn’t gonna be your garden variety wrestling lesson here in Atlantic City, brother! I surveyed the coastline here in Atlantic County, from Brigantine all the way down to Longport, and I’m just worried that when I slam Irwin R Schyster with the force I’ve been saving special for him, that Atlantic County may break off of New Jersey, and plunge into the ocean, man! Everything will fall in, from Trump Plaza to Harrah’s to Caesar’s, all the way to the Hamilton Mall, man! And when IRS is hanging off of the bloated body of Mantaur like in Titanic, The Real Deal and Blade Braxton will speed by on our jet skis and smash the Schyster Family to smithereens, for all the sharks to consume! AND WATCHA GONNA DO, SCHYSTER FAMILY, WHEN THE MEGA CRAPPERS GIVE YOUR WRESTLECRAPMANIA MOMENT TO YEWWWWW?!?!

—

JV: There’s a good shot of my buddy, Donald Trump! I hope RD Reynolds don’t break off Trump Plaza and send it into the ocean; Trump’s got the best lawyers money can buy on retainer!

GM: Will you be serious? The first round’s coming to an end, let’s get right to it!

HF: The following contest is a first round tournament match. Currently in the ring, from Norfolk, VA, weighing 384 lbs, The SHOCK-master!

GM: The Shockmaster, a tough customer in his own right, nearly 400 lbs!

JV: Real Deal may wanna watch his words; this could be Blade Braxton’s next opponent!

GM: The Gobbledy Gooker, a crowd favorite, squaring off with The Shockmaster to round out the first round of the World Title tournament! The winner indeed goes one on one with Blade Braxton in the quarterfinals, and I know you’d love for Shockmaster to be the one!

JV: His history with Braxton is well-documented, and it’d be great to see IRS bounce Reynolds out of here, and Shockmaster crush Braxton on the same night!

GM: Well, would you settle for the Gooker eliminating Braxton?

JV: Heh, I suppose.

GM: The Gooker, uncharacteristically not putting his dance stylings on display; he’s focused on that championship for certain.

JV: Well, yeah, as focused as an overgrown turkey could POSSIBLY be.

GM: We’re underway here, as The Gooker sizes up the much larger Shockmaster. He’s gonna need to use that speed, that quickness, to try and wear the big man down.

JV: Absolutely, if he gets caught in Shockmaster’s grasp, this could be over quick.

GM: Gooker–ohh, he went for a charge, and Shockmaster hurled him back into the corner!

GM: Shockmaster, probably more surprised than hurt by The Gooker’s sudden assault, is really coming under fire as the Gooker now–wow, a low dropkick to the side of the head!

JV: Almost a baseball slide, with Shockmaster’s head as third base!

GM: Gooker really needs to stay on em, keep Shockmaster grounded as he heads up. Could be going for that Frog Splash already!

JV: It’d be an upset!

GM: Gooker off the–WOAHHH, Shockmaster with the knees up!

JV: What great awareness on the part of Shockmaster, raising the knees at the last second to get Gooker apparently in the ribcage! And we can’t tell how bad Gooker’s hurting because we can’t see his face!

GM: Gooker with the wind knocked out of em, wheezing in that corner as Shockmaster–ohhh, avalanches him against the post!

JV: Gooker made into a hot turkey sandwich with that body press!

GM: Oh, you’re a riot, you know that?

JV: Hey, it wrote itself! I’d be remiss if I didn’t make that quip!

GM: Shockmaster sending Gooker back across, could be more of the–ohhh, he tripped!

JV: The Shockmaster fell right on his face! He’s had this problem for many, many years, he’s known to be klutzy!

GM: Gooker with an opening–wow, what a head kick to the dome of Shockmaster!

JV: Did he EVER measure him for that one, WOW! I’m amazed Shockmaster’s still conscious after that!

GM: Gooker going for the cover, rolling Shockmaster, only a count of two! I think the time it took to roll Shockmaster over might’ve cost him that third drop of the hand, Jess.

JV: I gotta agree, Shockmaster may have been able to kick out, but his noggin’s still ringin’ from that kick right behind the ear.

GM: Gooker with Shockmaster cornered, throwing some kicks at him, trying to work over the midsection of this large individual.

JV: I have to question if those shoes the Gooker’s wearing are even legal wrestling attire. They’re pointy where they shouldn’t be; they’re shaped like turkey feet, for cryin’ out loud!

GM: Well, why don’t you go down there and apply to be a referee! Gooker now setting up–wow, what a running roundhouse kick, and Shockmaster is still up! After all that Gooker’s thrown his way!

JV: Shockmaster might have the greatest endurance of anyone in WrestleCrap, as Gooker now–ohh, he went for a second one, and Shockmaster ducked!

GM: Gooker crashes and burns after missing that spinning kick! May have knocked the wind out of himself on that one–uh oh, Shockmaster with a bear hug applied!

JV: This is the set-up!

GM: Shockmaster elevates him and drives him down with that front sidewalk slam! You can forget about this one!

JV: It’s Shockmaster and Braxton in the semi-finals! The Mega Crappers have a double dose of trouble waiting!

HF: Here is your winner, the SHOCK-master!

GM: Let’s go down and see how this ending came to be!

JV: First we see the Gobbledy Gooker sail over Shockmaster with that missed kick. That’s the prelude to Shockmaster applying that bear hug, lifting a stunned Gooker up in that crunch, and crushing him further with that hard impact, the front spinebuster! Braxton won’t be able to survive one of those, I guarantee ya!

GM: Let’s go to Mean Gene Okerlund, who has an update on the tournament brackets!

—

GO: Folks, it’s been a wild ride thus far in the WrestleCrap World Heavyweight Championship Tournament. Five men survived past the first round, while The Black Scorpion gets to skip the quarterfinals entirely, thanks to the disqualification rendered between Miz and Heidenreich! Take a look if you would at our updated tournament brackets.

GO: The quarterfinals promise to electrify everyone here in attendance at Trump Plaza this afternoon, and feature only the very finest in all of WrestleCrap. RD Reynolds and Irwin R Schyster is set to kick off a little while from now, while the matchups between Mike Awesome and The Dragon, and that of Blade Braxton and The Shockmaster, will also shape the semi-finals in a very prestigious way! It’s hard to pick a winner in this one, as the tournament field is cut in half from fourteen to seven! The action is hot and heavy; Gorilla and Jesse, back to you!

—

*cue “Million Dollar Rap” by Jim Johnston*

GM: The quarterfinals of the WrestleCrap World Championship tournament are on the way in just a little while, but for right now, let’s send it down to Howard!

HF: The following contest is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first, accompanied by his bodyguard Virgil, making his spring residence in Fukuoka, Japan, weighing in at 254 lbs, here is “The Million Loonie Man” Sean CAR-less!

GM: Sean Carless, making his way toward the ring accompanied by Virgil. Where did Howard say he was currently living?

GM: You know what, I’d rather you didn’t elaborate on that. I’m of the opinion that Carless is a deplorable human being, and only those last two words don’t really apply!

JV: What, he’s a millionaire magnate with lots of employees across the globe!

GM: Yeah, but what do his employees do, Jess? And how much are they paid?

JV: I guess that’s his business, isn’t it?

GM: Yeah, right. “The Million Loonie Man”, I’ll say this much, he’s in incredible shape, keeping himself very trim. He’ll need his endurance to hang with the energetic Super Eric here at WrestleCrapMania this afternoon.

JV: I think he’ll be just fine. All that money, even after the exchange rate, bought him a wealth of in-ring knowledge!

*cue “Superhero” by Dale Oliver*

HF: His opponent, from Metropolis, weighing 225 lbs, SU-per ER-ic!

GM: Take a look if you would at Super Eric, WrestleCrap’s resident superhero!

JV: What’s this clown ever done to qualify as a superhero anyway? He don’t have X-ray vision, does he? He’s barely qualified to rescue a cat out of a tree!

GM: You’ll recall a few weeks ago that Super Eric came to the rescue of Aldo Montoya, the Portuguese Man O’War, as Sean Carless refused to release that Wet Loonie Dream on em! If you ask me, that’s heroic in my book!

JV: Super Eric had no right meddling in Sean Carless’ business affairs. If he wants to punish Montoya between the ropes, that’s up to him, Gino! Bottom line is Super Eric’s a parasite, and he’s not in The Million Loonie Man’s league!

GM: We’ll find out here shortly just what Super Eric is made of, and for that matter what The Million Loonie Man is made of as well.

GM: That will be determined as we’re under way, the bell’s gone, and these two are about to go at it. Eric, of course, has to keep an eye on that stooge Virgil as well.

JV: Stooge?!

GM: Yeah, I said it! Carless with a side headlock applied, putting a little mustard on it as he lays the bad mouth in from–oh, Eric sends him into the ropes–dropkick misses, Carless holds onto the ropes!

JV: Hah, Carless is outsmartin’ em already! And look, he could be setting up for the Dream!

GM: Eric may have bumped his head as Carless is waiting for him to get up–he’s trying to apply that hold–no, Eric runs em backfirst into the turnbuckles!

JV: Yeah, a little too early there, but Carless had the right idea, try and finish as fast as you can.

GM: Eric now–wow, what a knife-edge chop on Sean Carless!

JV: Yeesh, they could hear that all the way from the roulette tables! Eric hammering away, and Carless needs to get outta that corner!

GM: Super Eric with an Irish Whip–ohh, flies in with a clothesline immediately after!

JV: I can’t believe what I’m seein’ so far!

GM: Super Eric now, aww, what a nice reverse crescent kick! Carless is down, and Super Eric’s headed to the top rope, not wasting any time!

JV: This would be a colossal upset if he could defeat–wait, Virgil’s on the apron!

GM: Get that spineless ingrate down from there, ref, he’s–ohh, look out! Carless sprung up from the canvas, and knocked Super Eric to the floor! I suppose you’re gonna condone that!

GM: Carless following Super Eric to the outside, he’s regained control under dubious means, and he’s setting up Eric now–wow, what a clothesline! He really measured that one!

JV: I tell you, Sean Carless is highly calculating; he has a very predatorial streak when he’s in action.

GM: Truer words never spoken, Jess.

JV: Referee’s count was up to six, but Carless rolled in and back out. He wants to have a little fun breaking down this masked moron!

GM: Certainly taking his time–wow, slammed Super Eric’s head into the ring apron, bouncing his face off of it–and look, he’s going back to the Dream–NO, Eric dropped down and Carless is pulled head-first into the post!

JV: Super Eric with a smart counter, and I think Carless is dazed! Now Super Eric’s headed back in, he might take a countout victory!

GM: Super Eric looking down on Carless, who’s still clutching at his forehead–WOAH, look out! Eric slingshots up and over, flattening Carless on the outside!

JV: Super Eric taking advantage of a dazed Carless, and adds a high-risk move to the barrage! This is not looking good for Sean Carless at all!

GM: Super Eric firing Carless back under the ropes, he’s going for the cover–two–no, only two! That hand was coming down for three, though!

JV: Carless needs to regroup, and do it fast.

GM: Maybe he needs to try and bribe Super Eric into taking a dive. I doubt Super Eric would stoop so low to accept it, though.

JV: Hey, every man has a price, even the king of the dorks here!

GM: Super Eric, wow, what a swinging neckbreaker, could be softening him up for his own neckbreaker specialty, the Youngblood Neckbreaker. Carless is just lost out there!

JV: Well, I think he’s still dizzy from hitting the post, you don’t just–hey, Carless with a double-leg, he’s cradling Eric!

GM: Carless with the ropes! Still only a count of two! Carless tried to steal one, and it didn’t pay off!

JV: Carless with a running elbow to the jaw of Super Eric, it DID create an opening for The Million Loonie Man, however! Effective use of flagrant cheating, you can admit that much!

GM: No room for that at all here in WrestleCrap. Carless now, looking for perhaps a piledriver, this could be all. Lifts–no, Eric doesn’t go up.

JV: And Super Eric counters with a backdrop!

GM: Super Eric found an escape, and Carless loses the advantage! A flying forearm smash, and Carless is back on the canvas!

JV: Super Eric back in control, he’s closing in, I can’t believe I’m saying it! I don’t know much more The Mill–hey!

GM: Awww, Super Eric ran the ropes, and Virgil just tripped em! What a disgusting act!

JV: Super Eric’s making a mistake, he’s got a hold of Virgil! He needs to stay focused on Sean Car–SEE?!

GM: Carless with a running knee to the back! He rolls up Super Er–HE’S GOT THE TIGHTS!

JV: HE GOT EM! REF DIDN’T SEE IT, AND SEAN CARLESS WINS IT!

GM: What a miscarriage of justice THAT was!

HF: Here is your winner, The Million Loonie Man, Sean CAR-less!

JV: Sean Carless victorious, I told you he would outsmart that cape-wearing moron! You can’t outsmart a thinking man like The Million Loonie Man!

GM: Well, The Million Loonie Man needs to split that winner’s purse down the middle with Virgil, if not give him most of the loot. They just robbed Super Eric here at WrestleCrapMania, and you can’t deny it!

JV: What does it matter! Sean Carless and I are hitting up the blackjack tables when all’s said and done tonight!

GM: Ladies and gentlemen, we’re about to kick off the quarterfinals of the WrestleCrap World Championship Tournament, and it will be RD Reynolds and Irwin R. Schyster leading the bill! Let’s go back and show you the history of the turmoil between these two superstars!

—

(SATURDAY NIGHT’S MEME EVENT, DECEMBER 21)

VM: Certainly so, we’ll find out later on tonight the first ten entrants into the WrestleCrap Royal Rumble, as Reynolds and Braxton continue to entertain this capacity crowd!

JV: A couple of showoffs are what they are, you don’t–

*lights go out*

VM: Hey, what happened to the lights?

JV: Beats me, maybe some–

*weird video and sound effects begin to play on the video wall*

VM: What the heck? What is that?

*the weirdness in the video subsides, as a man in a rocking chair, surrounded by darkness, is shown*

IRS: I don’t….audit people out of cruelty, but instead I’m driven by honesty. Folks think they can take shortcuts, slithering through the weeds like common garter snakes, going undetected while their neighbors take the time to pay their fair share. That is not honesty, but rather selfishness. And it’s my job to restore this prudence, this good judgment in these misguided mongrels. It’s my entrusted duty to say wake up, wake up–

(standing)

IRS: WAKE UP! TAKE A LOOK AROUND YOU AND SEE THE WORLD YOU’RE CREATING, MAN! Streets need to be repaired and children need school! But you don’t SEE that! You see your luxuries and your excess, and you put yourself before the government in thinking you know what’s best for you! But I know deep in my churning heart that this will continue until I confront the thieves and the whores and the liars, and inform them one by one….that this isn’t the beginning….heh heh heh….

(leans in)

IRS: It’s the end! HAHAHAHA!

(darkness for a beat, suddenly interrupted by Irwin R Schyster holding up a briefcase that somehow emits light, with a cow-masked man and a crazed-looking blonde man behind him)

IRS: We’re here!

(briefcase light is extinguished)

*JUMP AHEAD*

JV: AND MANTAUR AND HEIDENREICH ARE ON THE ATTACK!

VM: Heidenreich going after the worn down Blade Braxton, while Mantaur sandwiches Reynolds in the corner! What is the meaning of this?!

JV: Heidenreich throttles Braxton and slams him down to the mat while Mantaur puts the boots to Reyn–woah, Reynolds fighting back!

VM: RD Reynolds to his feet, hammering away on Mantaur! He’s got the big beast reeling! Heidenreich over and Reynolds with a right hand! With both men–RAMS THEIR HEADS TOGETHER!

JV: I can’t believe it, RD Reynolds is taking–WOAH!

VM: Irwin R. Schyster just nailed Reynolds from behind with that briefcase! Reynolds may be unconscious!

JV: Heidenreich and Mantaur putting the boots to RD Reynolds while Schyster looks on with wide-eyed approval! This is unbelievable!

VM: Now they’re bringing Reynolds to the outside, please get someone down here! They’re going to attempt to injure Reynolds, and you know it! We need some officials!

JV: Mantaur and Heidenreich are holding Reynolds, they’ve got em by the arms!

VM: Schyster–SMASHES THE BRIEFCASE INTO REYNOLDS’ FACE! THIS IS HORRIBLE!

(ROYAL RUMBLE, JANUARY 19)

JV: Out of nowhere, Reynolds planted Heidenreich with the Mic Check, and IRS is in trouble! Reynolds staring him down!

GM: Reynolds running after em–HE’S GOT EM! And now Reynolds is trying to dump him out!

JV: IRS isolated and he’s-MANTAUR!

GM: AWWW, MANTAUR REACHED UP AND PULLED REYNOLDS OUT TO THE FLOOR! He was still at ringside, and he just saved IRS! Come on!

JV: Real Deal Reynolds is out of here, and he’s livid! Going right after Mantaur right out at ringside!

(SATURDAY NIGHT’S MEME EVENT, MARCH 8)

RD: Where is he! Get out here, Schyster!

VM: That–that’s Real Deal Reynolds, but where is he?!

JV: I think he’s in the parking garage! Has he been chasing Irwin R. Schyster this entire time?!

JV: Reynolds should be suspended! That’s a potentially lethal weapon he’s using on Mantaur, and look, he hits em again!

GM: I don’t blame RD Reynolds one bit! That fat oaf cost him a chance at the WrestleCrap World Heavyweight Title! And now Reynolds slamming the chair on Mantaur, who lay almost motionless on the concrete floor!

JV: Yeah, he can call this a moral victory all he wants, but he didn’t get the World Title! And once Trashbag Braxton’s out of the tournament, we’ll have a champion we can be proud of, no matter what!

GM: Reynolds headed back into the ring now.

JV: For what?!

GM: Well, I don’t know. His music just hit, looks like he’s gonna pose for a little while!

JV: This is ridiculous, he already lost! Why does he get to celebrate to his music?! How is ANY of this fair?!

GM: RD Reynolds, giving the people what they came here to see!

JV: What a lousy role model, dancing like a moron to his outdated 1980s pop music! You know, it’s people like him that led to the rise of good-natured idiots reveling in nostalgia as an identity! He’s a hipster doofus, and he takes pride in it, but it makes me sick! I didn’t crawl face-down in the the murky swamps of Saigon for buffoons like this to be proud of their dorkiness!

GM: Well, I love it!

JV: Yeah, of course you do; he made you autograph every episode of Prime Time Wrestling that he videotaped, and you felt special!

GM: Real Deal Reynolds may have lost the battle, but he will no doubt have it in him to win the war; his issue with The Schyster Family isn’t done by a long shot! Standing by, we’ve got Mean Gene, who’s with RD’s partner, Blade Braxton! Gene, over to you!

—

GO: Blade Braxton, come on in here. You and I, along with the entire world, watched as your best friend and tag team partner, RD Reynolds, was completely ripped off by The Schyster Family! He had Irwin R. Schyster beaten!

BB: Ohhh, yeah, The Schyster Family stuck their nose in where it didn’t belong, yeah, but it seems like Mantaur’s a little worse for wear, wouldn’t you agree, Mean Gene?

GO: Absolutely!

BB: The best revenge *I* can give is to win out this little tournament, yeah, standing tall as WrestleCrap World Heavyweight Champion, and holding the belt just slightly out of the reach of IRS, yeah, making sure he knows his place in the world’s pecking order! Send RD home, and I send you to the bottom of the food chain where ya belong! It’s up to The Pink Assassin to make things right, and right the wrongs he will! Shockmaster, the first wave of the Assassin’s rage is about to sweep you out to sea, and leave you bloated chum for the sharks! I’m alive and amplified, and the Shockmaster’s gettin’ shocked! OOOOOOOOH YEEEEEAH, DAWG!

GO: There you have it, Blade Braxton, the only Mega Crapper remaining in contention!

—

JV: Trashbag Braxton’s got an uphill battle ahead, and if he fails, the Mega Crappers are going home empty-handed!

GM: Determined is Blade Braxton, but you’re right, it’s not going to be an easy road. Let’s get down to the ring for our next quarterfinal contest!

HF: The following contest is a quarterfinal match, scheduled for one fall! Currently in the ring, accompanied by his manager, Bobby “The Brain” Heenan, from Tampa, FL, weighing in at 292 lbs, Mike AWE-some!

GM: Mike Awesome, on the heels of an impressive win over El Matador in the opening round.

JV: Yeah, he launched a javelin manufactured in Mexico!

GM: He did NOT!

*cue “Dragon Fire” by Jim Johnston*

JV: This may be the most intriguing match of the tournament thus far, from a wrestling standpoint! Here comes The Dragon!

HF: His opponent, from Honolulu, HI, weighing 235 lbs, The DRAG-on!

GM: The Dragon, impressive in a win over Mr. Adequate, what, a little over an hour ago? He has the endurance to make it all the way to the finals, in my book.

JV: Endurance, no question about it, but against the might of Mike Awesome, that’s a serious disadvantage The Dragon is at. The Dragon needs to avoid El Matador’s mistakes, and try not to engage the big man power-wise.

GM: Well, we’ll see how he handles this powerhouse. He’ll also have to watch out for that Weasel down at ringside. I think the referee oughta eject him right now.

GM: Yeah, yet! We’re under way here as The Dragon, sizing up Mike Awesome, standing at about 6’6″, close to that 300 pound mark.

JV: I’d go to the top rope first opening I got if I were The Dragon. Locking up would be a mistake, in my view.

GM: Dragon, quite hesitant to approach. He knows if he somehow gets through this, IRS awaits, but even he may be exhausted from that fiasco with Reynolds.

JV: The Dragon went for a leg and Awesome clubs him across the back! Wasn’t quick enough to get on defense, gave his back up, and paid for it!

GM: Awesome now–wow, did he ever launch The Dragon into the corner! Back meets the buckles, and now kicking away!

JV: Methodically working over The Dragon, this is what he needs to do. If The Dragon’s known for his strong core and endurance, then Awesome needs to drain him of his breath. Basic beatdown from the big man!

GM: Awesome pulls The Dragon out–aww, he ducks the short clothesline–overhand chop to the face of Awesome!

JV: The Dragon, rifling those shots off! Referee Dave Hebner has to make sure they don’t go into the eyes!

GM: The Dragon off the ropes–big cross chop, and he’s got Awesome staggered! The big man may not know where he is–a dropkick and a beauty, and Mike Awesome falls out between the ropes!

JV: Bobby the Brain can’t believe it, Mike Awesome just got bounced to the floor by a Dragon almost literally on fire here!

GM: Heenan telling Awesome to focus, he might wanna take some time to gather his bearings, there’s–woah, the Dragon with a sliding kick between the ropes, caught Awesome right in the sternum!

JV: Look, the Dragon’s skinnin’ the cat back over the top rope! What strength and agility!

GM: The Dragon now–slingshots over the ropes, diving onto Awesome! What a risky move, but it pays off!

JV: Heenan can’t believe what’s happened here in the early going!

GM: It might be the late-going if The Dragon can continue this pace; he might finish off Awesome as we see Dragon rolling him back into the ring, not going to rely on a countout.

JV: Yeah, you can’t give Mike Awesome a chance to breathe. The Dragon headed up now, another high risk move.

GM: Awesome still trying to make heads or tails of his situation–ohhh, he sidestepped The Dragon’s dive!

JV: A simple counter, and this time, The Dragon’s risk doesn’t pay off! Heenan chomping at the bit, he wants Awesome to attack!

GM: Awesome laying in the boots on the Dragon, who’d crawled to the corner. Now raking him with the sole of the boot, c’mon ref, give em some space here.

JV: As long as he’s not going to the eyes, that’s basically a legal move. Awesome now, pulling Dragon to his feet, what’s this?

GM: Wrapping him up–ohh, throws him overhead with a belly to belly!

JV: The Dragon lands with a thud, Awesome covering!

GM: Could only hold him down for two, but boy did The Dragon take a tumble on that suplex, wow!

JV: Awesome now with a waistlock, what–no, Dragon goes behind!

GM: Schoolboy from The Dragon, only gets a count of two!

JV: The Dragon’s doing what he needs to do, stick and move–see, he ducks the clothesline, and hey, dropkick to the knee!

GM: The Dragon trying to take the support beams out of this tower in Mike Awesome; I think that was only a glancing shot he managed. Trying off the ropes once more–

JV: WOW, did Mike Awesome turn him inside out with that clothesline!

GM: You could hear the collision echo throughout Trump Plaza, a collective gasp rising through this capacity crowd! The Dragon may be out!

JV: Donald Trump’s a ruthless businessman, and even he’s feeling for The Dragon on that one!

GM: Awesome with a stunned Dragon, taking him to the corner now, what’s he setting him up for here?

JV: Got the arm hooked–ohh, sends Dragon across the ring with a high beal!

GM: The Dragon had to be at least ten feet off the ground, holy smokes!

JV: Awesome’s not going for the cover, he’s looking to inflict more punishment! I’m not sure if he’s making a mistake here or not!

GM: Well, with The Dragon, we went on record about his endurance; you need to keep breaking him down to put him away, and that’s what Mike Awesome seems to have in mind here.

JV: Bobby Heenan telling Awesome not to let The Dragon up. See, The Brain’s behaved himself so far!

GM: Yeah, but watch what happens if The Dragon regains the advantage. He’s as devious as they come!

JV: Nah, just misunderstood.

GM: Aw, well excuse me! Awesome with a knee lift to the bread basket and a beauty, The Dragon on the mat wheezing, trying to get some air.

JV: This is what Mike Awesome can do to you, just break you will, no matter how strong!

GM: Awesome, taking Dragon over with a snap mare, now clamping on a reverse chinlock. Trying to squeeze more of that air out of his opponent.

JV: A simple weardown move, this is Wrestling 101 live and in color. The Dragon’s getting a wrestling lesson before our very eyes.

GM: I wonder if Irwin’s back there watching this, wondering who will cross his path next here in the tournament?

JV: Hey, IRS is a strategist; I’m sure he’s watching this one intently. It’d probably be less than an hour before he’s gotta face one of the two.

GM: Awesome, really putting the squeeze on, as The Dragon, boy is he red in the face from all of the punishment he’s absorbed.

JV: You wonder if Hebner’ll stop this one on The Dragon’s behalf if he can’t continue.

GM: Highly unlikely!

JV: Sooner or later, it’ll get to the point where The Dragon just can’t continue. Hebner’s asking, but The Dragon’s sayin’ no. Well, indicating as such!

GM: The Dragon telling the referee he doesn’t want the match stopped, meanwhile the Weasel’s demanding more pressure from Awesome. I think he’s got it on as good as he’s gonna have it.

JV: Awesome–well, he releases the hold–drops a big knee across the throat of The Dragon!

GM: That found its mark as Awesome covers–only a count of two!

JV: You certainly called it, The Dragon’s brimming with endurance, but how much more can he possibly stand here?

GM: Awesome may be setting up for that Awesome Bomb very soon, he’s been in this match longer than he may have liked to be. Got the Dragon up–what a side backbreaker that was!

JV: The Dragon nearly broken in half over Mike Awesome’s knee, and look, Heenan’s calling for the coup de gras!

GM: Mike Awesome, happy to oblige, he’s got the Dragon now, about to take him up–

JV: The Dragon’s flailing, Awesome can’t set a good perch!

GM: The Dragon not–oh, he drops down behind! And he nails Awesome with a thrust kick as he turns around!

JV: What a shot, but Awesome’s still standing! He’s hurt, but he’s vertical!

GM: Dragon to the second rope–what a leaping chop, and Awesome falls against the ropes on the far side!

JV: The Dragon charging!

GM: High cross body–AND BOTH MEN GO OVER! Awesome and Dragon both laid out at ringside, what a fall that was!

JV: Don’t let this end in a double count out, please! What a match this has turned into!

GM: Awesome stirring first; I think he took less of the brunt of that landing. Heenan encouraging him to get back into the ring, the count’s up to four!

JV: Awesome still slumped on that apron, he’s clearly worse for wear, and now The Dragon getting up slowly as well.

GM: Awesome’s back in, barely crawls in. Count is at eight, the Dragon is barely on his feet!

JV: Hebner reaching–no, The Dragon slides in just before nine!

GM: Wow, a close call for The Dragon; almost had our second straight count-out there!

JV: Awesome a tad frustrated, but he doubles over The Dragon with a boot to the abdomen. Maybe trying for the–no, not the Bomb, he sends Dragon into the ropes–

GM: Woah, the Dragon leaps at Awesome–MONKEY FLIP!

JV: How in the world did The Dragon flip Mike Awesome?! That’s 300 lbs at this stage of the match!

GM: The Weasel’s beside himself as Awesome favoring that lower back! He didn’t expect to be thrown around here!

JV: Especially not against a smaller opponent like The Dragon!

GM: The Dragon now, measuring Awesome–here he comes–

JV: WOAH! And Awesome backdrops The Dragon to the floor! No skin-the-cat to save him from impact outside!

GM: Wow, did The Dragon crash and burn or what?!

JV: IRS has to be licking his chops as these two rip each other apart! It’s making his quest for the gold much easier!

GM: Awesome’s going out after The Dragon, he’s not interested in a count out win. Doesn’t go with his pride; he’s gotta pin the opponent.

JV: Well, the Awesome Bomb should be easier now, don’t you think?

GM: One would have to think as Awesome sends The Dragon back under the ropes. In fact, that’s exactly what he’s going for here!

GM: AWESOME JUST DOVE OVER THE TOP ROPE, AND TOOK OUT THE DRAGON LIKE A PATRIOT MISSILE! HOLY MACKEREL!

JV: What an unbelievable match! The crowd here at Trump Plaza is getting their money’s worth, as are all the fans watching at home! What a war this is!

GM: Awesome has been rejuvenated somehow, he’s bringing the Dragon back in, going for the cover–still just a count of two!

JV: The Dragon doesn’t know when to quit, does he?

GM: Never, as Awesome drags The Dragon to his feet again. He’s going to make him pay for having an iron will.

JV: Awesome lifting The Dragon over his shoulder–what a powerslam! There’s the cover!

GM: A two count again, Awesome can’t believe it! I’m sure The Brain would be stunned as well if he were able to get to his feet!

JV: Awesome needs to stay focused. If he kicks out, just drive him down–

GM: SMALL PACKAGE BY THE DRAGON! NO, JUST A TWO COUNT!

JV: Two and 15/16ths is more like it! Where did The Dragon pull that from?!

GM: I have no idea, he’s gotta be running on fumes–Awesome takes his head off with a clothesline! He covers–and he gets two again, this is unreal!

JV: Awesome will just keep dragging The Dragon to his feet and continuing to punish. Sends him off the ropes, he’s–no, the Dragon counters with a headscissors out of that tilt-a-whirl!

GM: The Dragon keeps making something out of nothing, incredible! Heenan’s stirring at ringside, he won’t like what he’s seeing! The Dragon’s headed to the top rope now!

JV: He missed from there earlier, let’s see what he does!

GM: The Dragon waiting for Awesome to turn–high-cross body hits its target! Hooks the leg–NO, only two! A half count away!

JV: Awesome barely keeping it together here himself, both men showing amazing resilience!

GM: They each know victory is within reach, as The Dragon now, measuring Awesome, he *can’t* possibly be going for a suplex! Not now!

JV: There’s no way he’ll get Mike Awesome–

GM: I can’t believe it, The Dragon just snap suplexed Awesome! There’s the cover–two count is all, this is so intense! The Dragon asking the referee in disbelief!

JV: The Dragon, sweating pouring off the face, headed back up top as Heenan looks on, weary and confused. This is what the tournament’s all about right here!

GM: Not sure what the Dragon could be going for, unless it’s another–hey, Awesome just dove at the ropes, and The Dragon lands the hard way on the buckle!

JV: That’s one way to stun your opponent, as Awesome now–he’s going to that middle rope!

GM: Superplex perhaps on its–no, The Dragon with a right hand! And what’s he–sunset flip off the top rope! Two–no! Awesome escapes, and now he rolls backward out of the move!

JV: He’s got The Dragon up, he’s got the legs, lifting him into the Bomb from here! What strength, lifting him of the mat, and he’s getting him over his shoulders!

GM: Awesome’s got the Dragon up, look out! AWESOME BOMB CONNECTS!

JV: He finally lands the Bomb and–wait a minute!

GM: The bell just rung, the timekeeper rang it without the referee’s signal!

JV: Don’t tell me this is a draw! Mike Awesome was so close, he had The Dragon finished!

HF: Ladies and gentlemen, the timekeeper has ruled that the allotted fifteen minute time limit has expired! Therefore, this match, is a draw!

GM: A draw, that eliminates both Mike Awesome and The Dragon! What an unbelievable turn of events as Awesome and Heenan appeal their case to the referee!

JV: That means IRS is going to the finals!

GM: Oh, no, that’s right! Irwin R Schyster has just drawn a bye into the finals, with Awesome and Dragon taking each other out! I can’t believe this!

JV: Had Awesome hit the Awesome Bomb ten seconds earlier, he’d be in the semis with IRS, but as it is, one half of the finals is set!

GM: We’ve got plenty more action to come; standing by with Sean Mooney, the reigning WrestleCrap World Tag Team Champions, The Mexicools!

—

SM: I’m here with the defending WrestleCrap World Tag Team Champions, The Mexicools, who get set to defend the titles tonight against Los Matadores! Juventud Guerrera, the question should be asked, why do the Mexicools swap out team members when it was you and Super Crazy who won the belts in the first place?

JG: So many questions, and they all BORING, why must do you bother with such nonsense! The Mexicools, ganaremos para siempre, number one!

SM: Well, the question I’d also like to get to is which two of you will be defending the titles here tonight?

GM: Blade Braxton, making his way toward the ring for this all-important quarterfinal matchup. He’s got a tall mountain to climb for sure if he’s going to leave Atlantic City as the first ever champion!

JV: Ya know, I just realized something. If Braxton gets eliminated here, that leaves Shockmaster, Black Scorpion, and IRS in the tournament. That means the champion has a 75% chance of being a worthy representative!

GM: You know, Jesse, this Blade Braxton has a chance at surprising you. Granted, he still has to win three matches to claim the title, but he’s got a lot of guts and a lot of heart. Don’t count him out.

JV: I’m not; it’s not like I said there’s a 100% chance of the champion being one worth taking pride in! Strange things can happen here in WrestleCrap!

GM: Look at Blade Braxton, does he look ready and determined or what?

JV: That’s because he doesn’t know what he’s in for; Shockmaster’s gonna flat him like a blueberry flapjack in a matter of moments!

GM: If Mantaur couldn’t, what makes you think Shockmaster’s such a shoo-in?

JV: Well, I just feel Shockmaster’s more suited to a big-match situation. Mantaur is a follower, after all, and Shockmaster follows nobody!

GM: We’re under way here, as Braxton–ohh, he charges in with an elbow to the face! Right at the bell, Braxton on the attack!

JV: Shockmaster musta been daydreamin’, Braxton not lettin’ em outta that corner as he hammers away on the 400 lb Shockmaster!

GM: Shockmaster getting pummeled–well, he shoves Braxton to the mat–ohh, he’s back on the attack! Blade Braxton with Shockmaster trapped, hammering him on the second turnbuckle!

JV: They’re countin’ along here in Atlantic City; of course, they can count to 21 with ease!

GM: Ten shots to the cranium of Shockmaster, who hasn’t gotten any sort of offense in thus far against Braxton! Braxton now, trying to drop the Shockmaster, there’s a clothesline, but he couldn’t budge em!

JV: I hope for his sake, he don’t try to slam Shockmaster. He got Mantaur up, but doing it twice is biting off a bit too much!

GM: Braxton probably should keep it simple, if that’s at all possible. Look, double sledge to the face, and he moved Shockmaster a step, but he’s still up!

JV: Braxton going up top, not stopping the assault!

GM: Bombs away–no, Shockmaster swipes him out of mid-air!

JV: Braxton took that right hand to the jaw, possibly the side of the neck! Shockmaster nailed him good, and here comes–

GM: Big elbow drops finds the mark, can he get em here? No, just a two count!

JV: Awfully close to three, and Braxton’s rolling to the outside. He may end up suffering the same fate as RD Reynolds, a count out loss!

GM: Mantaur’s not under the ring anymore, Jess, he’s getting stitched up and licking his wounds. Shockmaster, handful of hair, dragging Braxton to the apron.

JV: Not giving Braxton a moment to breathe, Shockmaster setting him up here.

GM: Looks like a suplex–it is, bringing Braxton back in the hard way. Going for the cover–only two, not quite three.

GM: Shockmaster still–ohh, the turnbuckle padding came off! Shockmaster pulled so hard, and he and Braxton tumble to the mat!

JV: Incredible, both men are down! Braxton trying to get to his feet!

GM: Shockmaster getting up as well, Braxton staggering to that corner, he’s a little dizzy I think–

JV: Shockmaster charges in–HE MISSES!

GM: Braxton moves and Shockmaster hits the bare steel! Braxton with a schoolboy!

JV: NO!

GM: HE GOT EM! Braxton pins Shockmaster, and he advances to the semifinals!

HF: Here is your winner, BLADE BRAX-TON!

JV: Of all the lousiest officiating I’ve ever seen, this entire match has to go down among the absolute worst! How does this degenerate get to go to the semi-finals?!

GM: I don’t suppose you’re going to narrate a replay, are you?

JV: You can forget it! I’m not dignifying this slob!

GM: Blade Braxton will meet The Black Scorpion in the semis, what a matchup THAT’S going to be. The winner will meet Irwin R. Schyster in the finals, as Braxton rejoices up the aisleway before this capacity crowd at Trump Plaza! Let’s go to Mean Gene, who’s with Bobby “The Weasel” Heenan!

—

GO: What a WrestleCrapMania it’s been thus far; three men remain eligible to become WrestleCrap World Heavyweight Champion, but unfortunately for my guest at this time, none under his employ. Bobby Heenan, step right up in here, it was an incredible match between The Dragon and your man, Mike Awesome–

BH: I know what you’re going to ask, cueball: am I disappointed? A little, certainly. See, the day started so well. First, I helped William Regal, a man I am now proud to manage, see the light and escape his smelly flannel and ridiculous hard hat. Then Mike Awesome throws El Matador like an enchilada missile across the ring. Then Awesome comes within a hair of finishing that lizard thing to qualify for the semi-finals, and then the bell rings, because time’s up. I’m disappointed, but I’m not defeated. I have two men that didn’t lose on wrestling’s biggest stage, and that makes us three winners. Whoever wins that tournament, whether it’s IRS, or The Black Scorpion, or that Bluto Blutarsky wannabe, Braxton, eyes forward: we’ll be in touch to sign for a title shot. It’s not ‘if’, it’s ‘when’. Awesome and Regal and I, we’re going to make you sorry you EVER had dreams of becoming champion. Unless Mr. Schyster or Mr. Scorpion would like to acquire my managerial services once they become champion, in which case I’d be more than thrilled–

GO: That’s enough Mr. Heenan; Gorilla and Jesse, back to you!

—

GM: Can you believe the greed on the part of Bobby “The Weasel” Heenan? He wants to manage a champion more than anything!

JV: Gotta admire his drive, his passion, though, can’t ya?

GM: Yeah, when there’s money involved! But his money can’t, as of now, buy a way into the semifinals of the WrestleCrap World Heavyweight Championship tournament. Irwin R Schyster already has received a bye into the finals, and he will meet the winner of The Black Scorpion, and Blade Braxton in just a short time from now.

JV: Braxton’s gotta beat two men who have had extra time to rest! Not gonna be easy!

GM: Let’s go down to Howard!

*cue “Jive Soul Bro” by Jim Johnston*

HF: The following contest is a handicap match, scheduled for one fall! Introducing first, making their way towards the ring, at a total combined weight of 1005 lbs, here are Akeem and The Guardian Angel, The Twin TOW-ers, along with “The Doctor of Style” SLICK!

JV: You hear that? Over half a ton of humanity making their way down!

GM: Jess, over 800 lbs of that are Akeem and Guardian Angel; Slick is well under 200! How’s he going to–wait, take a look at Slick!

JV: Slick’s still got his suit on! And what a fine looking suit it is as well, always a snappy dresser!

GM: He doesn’t have his gear on!

JV: He’s probably thinking he’s not going to be tagged into the match! He figures Akeem and Angel can handle business themselves.

GM: Boy, he’d better hope that’s the case. For his sake, if Kamala gets his hands on him, this one’ll be history.

GM: Kamala finally getting the revenge he’s sought on Slick for months, finishing him off with not one, not two, but three running splashes! I doubt Slick will be double-crossing anyone any time soon!

JV: He won’t have the capability; he’ll probably be in a body cast for a long time after this! His eyes are open, but he don’t know what’s going on! The Guardian Angel trying to bring him around, but that ain’t happenin’ after that animal did a number on em!

GM: Standing by in the back, Sean Mooney is with Irwin R. Schyster, who awaits his opponent for the final round of the World Title Tournament! Sean, take it away!

—

SM: I’m here with Irwin R. Schyster, who has been–

IRS: The light shines brightest upon those who give to the light! Those who contribute to the circle, their fair share is repaid in perpetuity, young Sean!

IRS: You may question the methods, but it is merely the earned destiny set forth to match, divine conspiracy as it were! Mr. Reynolds is a figment of the meek, an avatar unto the spineless snakes that throw stones, but haven’t the dexterity to catch a return lob, Sean! He is history as I have written it, but Braxton? If he dares seek his revenge on the Scorpion, he is but setting himself up for a further fall, one that time and hope cannot heal. No one will catch him, for the impact will leave a mile-wide crater not just in the turf, but in his heart. I break the hearts of mortals, Braxton. Scorpion, mutual respect will be tossed aside should you make it to me, but Braxton? What will become of Blade, when Blade himself is cut to size? It’s over, Mega Crappers! THE THRONE IS NOT YOURS, EXCEPT TO BE KNELT BEFORE! The Kingdom is mine! Enjoy your fall; the sudden stop’s all that’ll do ya in.

—

GM: Pretty sickening words from a very sick man!

JV: He’s pretty twisted, but you gotta admit, there’s a method to his lunatic fringe! And IRS is just one win away from the title!

GM: Well here’s a man who’ll never be champion, Michael Cole standing in the ring in anticipation of this next match!

JV: Cole’s a champion in his own mind.

*cue “Beat It” from Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker*

HF: The following contest is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first, from Newcastle-upon-Tyne, England, weighing in at 175 lbs, Gregg MAFF-ews!

GM: And here comes popular new star Gregg Maffews, an internet sensation, who has drawn the ire of Michael Cole. Then he beat Cole in about 30 seconds on Saturday Night’s Meme Event!

JV: Yeah, and Cole you can imagine is still sore about that. He’s handpicked a mystery opponent for Maffews to wrestle, just to see how the kid does with no time to fully prepare!

GM: This crowd here loves Gregg Maffews! Imagine how successful he’d be if he’d let the powers that be assign him a proper physician!

MC: Can I have your attention please?

GM: No.

JV: He can’t hear you, Gino.

MC: Alright, Gregg Maffews, you beat me, a lowly announcer, The Voice of WrestleCrap. Because, you know, you’re a big tough guy, all 175 lbs of you. That’s great. I’ll tell you what, you’ve got a LOT of enemies out there, kid. A lot of folks take exception to your stupid blooper videos, and the way you play them as fools! It just so happens that I found a man who doesn’t LIKE being your little patsy, and he’s here tonight to rip your head off! Give you a real dose of cranial bleeding!

JV: Who could it be?

MC: And even better, he’s an athlete outside of wrestling as well, something YOU can’t claim to be! So how do you say it? Nevermind that bleep….

GM: Wait a minute….

MC: HERE! COMES! MONGO!!!!!

*cue “Unledded” by Rick DiFonzo*

GM: That’s Steve McMichael! Former defensive lineman of the World Champion Chicago Bears! A former champion in wrestling as well!

JV: The biggest disgrace to the Horsemen not named Paul Roma! Cole’d have got Roma if Obscurity had a phone directory!

GM: Gregg Maffews now forced to size up against this great athlete, who helped guide the Bears to a Super Bowl victory almost thirty years ago! They shuffled their way to the Lombardi Trophy!

JV: And Mongo McMichael’s fixing to shuffle through Gregg Maffews here at WrestleCrapMania! Getting beaten by a man you poke fun at, that’s gonna be a rough one to take! I think Michael Cole made a wise selection!

GM: Cole does seem happy with his choice, that walking advertisement for birth control. Maffews isn’t familiar with this style, I don’t think.

JV: Yeah, football’s a different thing in his country! The fans wear scarves like they’re playin’ Quidditch!

GM: Here we go, bell sounds and we’re under way. Maffews sizing him up, this won’t be an easy task.

JV: Nah, I’ve gotta agree, for as much as Mongo was a self-parody in wrestling, he’s a bad dude in and out of the ring. Maffews lockin’ up–gets thrown to the canvas with ease! He can’t match power with Steve McMichael!

GM: And look at Michael Cole! Mongo hasn’t WON yet, and he’s celebrating!

JV: Yeah, a little premature there, hold off on the champagne.

GM: Maffews needs to rethink his plan here, try and get Mongo down a different fashion.

JV: Well, Monsoon, this is the part where I say hi to Terri, Tyrel, and Jade back home!

GM: I was starting to think you were gonna forget, but–look out! Mongo tried a waistlock, and Maffews caught em with an elbow to the mush!

JV: He’s firing off kicks to the thigh now!

GM: Gregg Maffews trying to chop down the big oak that is Mongo McMichael, really knotting up the quad with those kicks! Can he get–

JV: WOAH!

GM: Woah is right, Mongo just leveled Maffews with a big right cross!

JV: Mongo’s got a mean right hand! He knocked out a horse with it once!

GM: Will you STOP, wrong Mongo!

JV: McMichael lifting Maffews up now, could be going for a Tombstone piledriver, his move. Cole wants to get out of here with some measure–

GM: Ohh, Maffews down the back–and a leaping kick to the back of the neck!

JV: Mongo’s down to a knee, and Maffews–wow, a running knee to the face! Can he cover?!

GM: He gets only two! Wow, did he catch McMichael in the face with that or what?

JV: Cole on the apron now, he’s irate!

GM: Get em down from there ref, he’s not supposed to be up–woah, Maffews knocks him off with a knife-edge chop!

JV: Well, that’s ONE way to solve a problem, just take care of it yourself–and Mongo attacks from behind!

GM: Michael Cole bought Mongo the time he needed, and that distraction could prove costly to Gregg Maffews!

JV: Mongo looks to be going for a suplex of some sort, can he eleva–

GM: Ohh, Maffews knees him right in the kisser as he was being lifted! And Mongo jarred by that shot, he’s on rubber legs!

JV: Maffews measuring as Mongo tries to get steady! He’s got somethin’ on its way!

GM: Maffews–spinning roundhouse kick, right on the temple of Mongo, who’s in bad shape! His vision might be blurred from that!

JV: Maffews with the arm, he’s hooking that hold of his!

GM: The LeBotch Lock! Maffews with Mongo in the center of the ring! Can McMichael hold–no, he taps out!

JV: Gregg Maffews just made Mongo submit, I don’t believe it!

GM: Gregg Maffews with a tremendous victory here at WrestleCrapMania!

HF: Here is your winner, Gregg MAFF-ews!

GM: Let’s show you how this went down!

JV: Watch as Mongo McMichael is staggered from the knee to the face, and watch Maffews hit that kick to the temple with pinpoint accuracy! That wrenched his neck from the force, and when Maffews hooked that LeBotch Lock, is it? When that was applied, all the torque on the neck meant Mongo was history!

GM: Michael Cole will have to find another way of getting at Gregg Maffews, who stands tall here at Trump Plaza! Right now, we’ve got Sean Mooney standing by with Los Matadores! Sean, what’ve you got?

—

SM: Standing here with me are two men that haven’t gotten over the injustice that was the Tag Team Championship battle royal three weeks ago on Saturday Night’s Meme Event. Diego and Fernando, along with your big-hearted friend, El Torito, you seek to rectify that controversial loss to The Mexicools by claiming those WrestleCrap World Tag Team Championships as your own. How focused will you be, knowing there will be a third member of the team sitting ringside?

F: Senor Mooney, our focus will be just fine!

D: As matadores, we MUST be focused! In any ring, wrestling or otherwise, we understand the grave danger that comes with taking your eye off of the aggressor!

F: There are three Mexicools, but Diego and I, we can handle long odds with the heart of a warrior, and the spirit of a champion!

D: Mexicools, your ride is over. We’re messing with bull, and we WILL take you by the horns!

SM: There you have it, Los Matadores, completely determined!

—

GM: What a Tag Team Title match that’s going to be, Los Matadores vs. The Mexicools up ahead. It promises to be a real knock-down, drag-out affair.

JV: We’re gettin’ down to the nitty gritty here, Gorilla! Two championships are about to be decided in just a little while! This is what WrestleCrapMania’s all about!

GM: It’s only heating up as we get ready for our semi-final contest; let’s get things going!

HF: The following contest is a semifinal match, scheduled for one fall!

*cue “Grave Secrets” from the Bruton music library*

HF: Introducing first, making his way towards the ringside area, from Parts Unknown, weight unknown, The Black SCOR-PI-ON!

JV: It’s been about two hours since we last saw The Scorpion in action; he received a bye all the way to this match, thanks to Heidenreich and The Miz getting a double disqualification.

GM: Certainly fortunate that such a break went his way, The Black Scorpion now with a more-than-reasonable chance at becoming WrestleCrap World Heavyweight Champion. He has no love-loss for Blade Braxton here.

JV: Definitely not! These two have been sworn enemies for years!

GM: The Black Scorpion, making his standard ominous entrance. I feel like I know this guy, Jess.

JV: Well, he’s a little lighter than you might remember, Gorilla. That’s because his wallet’s empty these days.

GM: He’s a creep, no matter who he is. Shrouding himself in darkness, looks like a cat burglar to me!

JV: Hey, that may be the case here in Atlantic City. He could steal IRS and Braxton’s claims to the championship right out from under their noses. He’s a skilled technician, and is just sleek enough to pull it off.

GM: Scorpion with a knee, well-planted, but that’s TWICE now he’s gotten away with an underhanded move! Does he really need all of this to beat Blade Braxton?

JV: It’s for the championship of the world, and Scorpion will do anything to have it! He’ll probably pawn it later, but he wants it now!

GM: Scorpion with Braxton sitting up now, applying a reverse chinlock, this’ll drain the life out of an opponent. Surprised he hasn’t started working the leg for his *own* figure four, Jess.

JV: Braxton’s given him little opportunity, but this method’s working for em thus far. Scorpion adds a knee to the back, trying to jam the spine, maybe knock one of those vertebrae loose!

GM: Scorpion–oh, lets go of the hold, plants a boot into the spine. Continuing to wear down The Pink Assassin as you know IRS is looking on from somewhere.

JV: Definitely. Scorpion setting Braxton up–beautiful suplex, arc’ed it perfectly! Can only get two on it, though!

GM: Scorpion’s working over the back of Braxton; he’s gotta be worn down after dealing with two much larger opponents. He sends Blade Braxton into the ropes–ohh, he telegraphed it! Ducked the head, and Braxton booted him in the kisser!

JV: Braxton with an inside cradle! Two count, only two!

GM: Scorpion made a mistake and Braxton’s taken over–wow, what a kneelift to the chops from Braxton! Scorpion falls into the ropes–Braxton snaps him back with a little slingshot action!

JV: Scorpion’s got the brass knuckles, but Braxton manages to kick him downstairs before he can connect upside his head! Fair play, I guess, after all the rulebreaking Black Scorpion had done! Braxton then, ingeniously I admit, spikes Scorpion face first onto his own brass-knuckled-hand, and gets the win!

GM: It’s Irwin R Schyster and Blade Braxton in the finals, and one of the two will be the undisputed WrestleCrap World Heavyweight Champion! Let’s take you to Mean Gene, standing by with The Real Deal, RD Reynolds!

—

GO: With me at this time, a man filled with conflicting thoughts, The Real Deal, RD Reynolds! Deal, on the one hand, The Schyster Family dashed your championship hopes earlier on tonight, but on the other, your best friend Blade Braxton just qualified for the final round of the World Title tournament! How are you feeling at this very moment?

RD: Well, as you’re now aware, Mean Gene, The Mega Crappers still have a horse in the race, man! Oh yeah, Awful Irwin may have found a way to get rid of The Real Deal, but he hasn’t derailed The Pink Assassin, my friend to the end, brother! Three matches, three victories, including one over that overstuffed warthog Mantaur! I’ve got full faith in my main man to see this through to the end, and become the first WrestleCrap World Heavyweight Champion, because what I did to Irwin out there, barring a complete finish, Blade Braxton can do as well! He’s come this far, and I’m backing him all the way! Watcha gonna do Irwin R Schyster, when Blade Braxton and his heart of fire, scorch through yoooou, here at Trump Plaza, brother?!

GO: There you have it, RD Reynolds weighing in, as Blade Braxton meets Irwin R Schyster for the WrestleCrap World Heavyweight Title! Gorilla, and Jesse, back to you!

—

GM: RD Reynolds, understandably fired up for his best friend’s golden opportunity; that’s coming up just a short while from now!

JV: I’ll tell you what, Reynolds had BETTER NOT get too giddy; Schyster’s well rested, and Braxton’s been through three grueling matches! It’ll take a miracle for that dirtball to clear this gauntlet!

GM: It remains to be seen if Blade Braxton can pull off such a miracle, as Jesse Ventura refers to it; right now, let’s go down to ringside!

*cue “Muy Loco” by Jim Johnston*

HF: The following contest, scheduled for one fall, is for The WrestleCrap World Tag Team Championship! Approaching the ringside area, from Mexico, here are the WrestleCrap World Tag Team Champions, The MEX-I-COOLS!

JV: You hear that? Fink didn’t announce a weight for the champs!

GM: Well, that’s because we’re not sure which two members of The Mexicools will be defending the gold here at Trump Plaza. If they all weighed 200 even, he could just say, “400 lbs” and be correct.

JV: We still don’t know which two members it’ll be putting the gold on the line, that’s right.

GM: Kinda ridiculous, if you think about it.

JV: Hey, it gives new meaning to the phrase, “the advantage lies with the champions.” If Los Matadores did their homework on all three, what difference would it make?

GM: Well, you’re right about that; they could scout all three members of the team, but these Mexicools, in any combination, are a dangerous duo. A trio if you count the third man interfering!

HF: Their opponents, accompanied by El Torito, at a total combined weight of 432 lbs, Diego, Fernando, LOS MAT-A-DOR-ES!

GM: And look at THIS trio!

JV: Yeah, what a bunch of goofs! Way to perpetuate the stereotype that Latinos are nothing but cartoonish bullfighters!

GM: Oh, and The Mexicools promote a proud and positive heritage?

JV: They have a lawn mower! That promotes a strong work ethic!

GM: Oh boy….a very colorful group Los Matadores are, mixed with their pint-sized pal, El Torito. Boy, is he an inspirational figure for this team, or what?

JV: Inspirational? They’re all about the same height from here.

GM: Would you please? Show some festive spirit for once in your life! It would appear that Juventud Guerrera and Psicosis are the team of record, so Super Crazy will be watching from the outside. Won’t take much for him to get involved though, I don’t think.

JV: Hah, the Mexicools are a bit shady, aren’t they?

GM: More than a little bit, for sure! Bell’s gone, we’re under way as Diego starts it off against Psicosis, a dangerous veteran who takes a lot of chances. Lock-up, nice go-behind into a hammerlock there by Psicosis.

JV: Really cranking that pressure, putting a good lift on the hold.

GM: Diego needs–oh, what a counters into the drop toe hold, floats over into a side headlock! Nice countermove that was!

JV: Very slick on the part of Diego-Psicosis turns him–only gets two on that roll-over into a pin attempt!

GM: Diego re-establishes the headlock, but Psicosis getting to his feet now–sends Diego into the ropes–ohh, Diego with a nice shoulder block takedown!

JV: Diego off the ropes again!

GM: Ohh–Pscisosis with a monkey flip–and Diego lands on his feet!

JV: Pscisosis isn’t even aware of it, too busy being proud of himself–and Diego with a dropkick!

GM: Nice textbook dropkick by Diego, who tags Fernando, he heads up top!

JV: Diego setting his own partner up here!

GM: Diego–aww, throws Fernando right at Psicosis with the rocket launcher! A cover–two count only–Juventud gettin’ in there–

JV: Woah!

GM: And Los Matadores send him out with a double dropkick! Psicosis bailing out as well, and Los Matadores have cleared the ring!

JV: It’s not looking good early for the champions, but there’s Super Crazy conferencing them up, gonna put their heads together and come up with a plan.

GM: They really needed to slow down that pace, Los Matadores had them swinging at ghosts in the dark there.

JV: Hey, Los Matadores aren’t above stretching out the double teams either, ya know. Sometimes the referee’s five count is spat on by the challengers.

GM: Psicosis back in there, but he quickly makes an official tag to Guerrera; we’ll see how the mouthpiece of the team fares.

JV: Here we go, Fernando in with a springing dropkick on Psicosis, and he sends Psicosis to the floor! Guerrera’s not gonna like turning around to a fresh Matador!

GM: Guerrera pleading, begging off, as Fernando will have none of it; there’s gold at stake! Fernando shoving Guerrera into the corner, he’s about to rain down with right hands, and Guerrera’s in no condition to stop him!

JV: This crowd’s countin’ in Spanish, listen to em!

GM: All the way up to ‘diez’ as Guerrera gets his clock cleaned! Fernando now-DDT! Spikes Guerrera, going for the cover–no, Psicosis in to break it up!

JV: I have to admit, that would’ve been all had Psicosis not lunged in there and knocked Fernando off the heap!

GM: Psicosis not leaving the ring, putting the boots to Fernando to try and halt the momentum. Referee’s losing control of this one as Psicosis sends Fernando–no reversal into–

JV: Woah, Diego pulled the rope down, and Psicosis tumbles to the outside!

GM: Well, that’s ONE way to get the illegal man out of here–wait, where’s Fernando going?!

JV: He’s taking off, running the ropes–LOOK OUT!

GM: Fernando flips over the ropes, and wipes out Psicosis with a suicide dive! Holy mackerel, can you believe he’d take that chance?!

JV: It’s WrestleCrapMania, the energy and stakes will make you do anything to get to the top! What a risk by Fernando as–

GM: Woah, Guerrera over with a dive of his own, taking down Fernando! Not to be outdone was Juventud Guerrera!

JV: This has developed into an insane car wreck–now Diego’s headed to the top turnbuckle! Both Mexicools and Fernando are down–

JV: Yeah, the Matadores would prefer to not to win by a DQ, can’t get the belts that way. And look at El Torito telling off Super Crazy, what’s HE going to do to him?

GM: Guerrera the first one to his feet, he rifles Fernando back inside the ring.

JV: Might be settin’ up for his Juvi Driver. There’s no kickin’ out from that.

GM: Sends Fernando into the ropes–spinning heel kick lays out the Matador! Beautifully executed, right on the chin was the heel!

JV: Guerrera’s giving the signal, what goes up, must come down! The Driver’s about to be unleashed!

GM: Guerrera looking to get Fernando up, this would be academic. Lifts him–no, Fernando down the back–BACKSTABBER!

JV: I can’t believe it, Fernando actually landed the Backstabber! This could be it!

GM: Going for the cover–did he–no, Crazy put Guerrera’s foot on the rope! This is getting ridiculous!

JV: Guerrera was just saved, and look–El Torito’s on the apron!

GM: OHH, AND LOOK! Torito comes off with a headscissors on Super Crazy!

JV: He just flipped Crazy head over heels at ringside!

GM: Serves him right! Back inside now, Psicosis with a running bulldog on Fernando! The much is literally non-stop as Psicosis off the ropes–Fernando rolls away from that back splash!

JV: Hebner has no control over this match at all as Guerrera rolls outside, and now Diego’s in. Who are the legal men?!

GM: I believe Guerrera and Fernando are legal as Diego dropkicks Psicosis into the corner! We’ve got all kinds of action going on, and Fernando now–runs into the corner with a spinning heel kick!

JV: Diego follows up as Psicosis–he takes Psicosis over with a running clothesline, and both men are back outside!

GM: They’re getting knocked around like–wait a minute, did you see what Juvi just did?!

JV: I didn’t see, what happened?!

GM: Fernando reached out of the ring to get him, and Guerrera struck him with a Tag Team belt! Guerrera back in, don’t tell me! Hebner over!

JV: GUERRERA GETS HIM! THE MEXICOOLS WIN IT!

GM: Give me a break!

HF: Here are your winners, and STILL WrestleCrap World Tag Team Champions, The MEX-I-COOLS!

JV: The Mexicools persevere in the clutch!

GM: Yeah, only because Guerrera cheated, after the Mexicools cheated all match long! Look at the replay!

JV: It’s real simple, you see Diego take Psicosis to the outside, and Fernando reach for Guerrera out of the referee Hebner’s field of vision, and WHAM, Guerrera blasts him with the gold! Right between the eyes, and that’s all it took!

GM: Mark my words, Jesse, the Mexicools have NOT heard the last from Los Matadores, as the three so-called champions shuffle away with the gold!

JV: So-called? They have the belts, so they’re the champions!

GM: In the dressing room, we’ve got Mean Gene to run over tonight’s tournament one last time, as we get set for the final round!

—

GO: The big moment approaches! We are just moments away from crowning the first ever WrestleCrap World Heavyweight Champion, here at Trump Plaza! The brackets have been updated, showing both men’s paths to the gold.

GO: Interestingly enough, IRS only had to win *one* match, and he needed the help of his two stooges, Heidenreich and Mantaur, to get it done in a countout win over RD Reynolds! On the other hand, Blade Braxton has had to win three matches, all by pinfall over Mantaur, The Shockmaster, and The Black Scorpion, and has to be wearing down at least slightly! Interesting to note that Braxton is the *only* man in this tournament to have won more than one match thus far. IRS would need to win a second to become champion, but if Braxton wins, he’ll have four victories, three more than everyone else! Let’s not wait a second longer; Gorilla and Jesse, back to you!

—

GM: This is what the world’s been waiting for; all the weeks and months of anticipation are finally over! We’re gonna have a brand new WrestleCrap World Champion in a matter of minutes; what a spectacle this is going to be!

JV: I’ll tell ya what, I’m pumped up, I can see *you’re* pumped up! As you like to say, Monsoon, history is about to be made!

GM: Let’s throw it down to Howard Finkel, to begin our main event!

HF: The following contest is the FINAL ROUND of the tournament to determine the undisputed WrestleCrap World Heavyweight Champion!

JV: The anticipation has reached a fever pitch, Gorilla!

*cue light-hearted piano music*

GM: And here comes an attendant, bringing out the closely guarded WrestleCrap Championship belt, freshly minted just days ago!

JV: Wow, that’s the prize that’ll go to the winner of this all-important bout! Looks really splendid; hope nobody takes a hammer to it or anything!

GM: All the gold and leather, hand-crafted. A work of art fit for a champion, and fit for THE champion!

JV: I understand it’s been closely guarded so *you* wouldn’t get your mitts on it!

GM: Me?!?!

JV: Yeah, they know you like to make off with valuables once in a while!

GM: Will you STOP. We’re about to have both entrants make their way down that aisle shortly. It IS a happening, Jess!

JV: You said it. I’ve got goosebumps; this is bigger than Woodstock, bigger than The Super Bowl, and at least ten times bigger than the World Series! It’s WrestleCrapMania!

GM: Bringing the big insurance policy, Heidenreich, with him. I don’t see Mantaur here, do you?

JV: Not after the beating Reynolds gave em, absolutely not. RD smashed his head like it was a carnival game, and it may be some time before we even see Mantaur again!

GM: Heidenreich’s still big enough and nasty enough to cause trouble all by his lonesome, and Braxton will have to be careful in this match. I don’t see *why* Heidenreich should even be allowed out here, Jess, he doesn’t have a manager’s license!

JV: Yeah, why don’t you go down and tell em to scram, then?

GM: Well, hopefully the referee can keep this between just Braxton and Schyster, without Heidenreich being any sort of factor.

JV: As much as I don’t care for Blade Braxton, I gotta agree; the title should be decided fairly and with as little controversy as possible.

GM: Take a look if you would at this creep, will you? Hollow stare, thin smirk, he’s not all there, is he?

JV: It won’t matter; if he wins the title, he can be as spaced out as he wants to be!

GM: Schyster–misses with an elbow drop as Braxton now, telling the referee to watch the big guy out there!

JV: There you have it, now Braxton’s going to be looking over his shoulder at seemingly every turn. This is what IRS wanted, obviously!

GM: Look of concern on the face of Blade Braxton, meanwhile IRS goading him, trying to get him to fight. He’s gotta have eyes in the back of his head, no question.

JV: Braxton’s focus is tenuous enough as it is; he and Schyster back to that lockup.

GM: Side headlock applied by Braxton. He’s trying to keep IRS in the center of the ring.

JV: Yeah, keeping Schyster away from the ropes, and himself away from Heidenreich, very cautious as he works IRS to the canvas with that headlock.

GM: No, Schyster willing himself up, sending Braxton into the ropes–ohh, what a shoulderblock from Blade Braxton! Off the ropes again–and a diving shoulderblock finds its mark! Going for the cover–only a count of two!

JV: Braxton back to that headlock on the canvas, he’s gotten IRS down several times now. Usually Braxton doesn’t pace himself like this, but his tank’s nearing empty.

GM: Braxton trying to play it conservative, you’re right, but he’s also proving to be a better wrestler than you give him credit for!

JV: Yeah, maybe I underestimated–oooh, IRS driving that forearm into the small of Braxton’s back, trying to break the hold!

GM: IRS trying to get out of the headlock, he’s rocking Braxton with those forearms and elbows, trying to break loose here. Well, he got Braxton to release the hold, but Braxton follows with a short right hand! And another!

JV: Braxton’s got IRS off balance with those right hands, and there’s an elbow right between the eyes!

GM: Braxton in control, off the ropes he–COME ON! Give me a break!

JV: Did Heidenreich pull the ropes?

GM: He certainly did, and Braxton tumbles to the outside! Referee missed it completely, and Heidenreich’s feigning innocence!

JV: IRS headed to the floor, he’s about to take over!

GM: Schyster outside, Heidenreich giving him some space. The referee needs to get Heidenreich out of here as Schyster picks Braxton up–ohh, runs him back first right into the ring apron! No give at all!

JV: That’s what Schyster has to do; take Braxton’s back out, and he has no strength! He’ll be easy pickins’ at this rate!

GM: Schyster sends Braxton back in, going for the cover–only a count of two, Braxton isn’t going down that easily.

JV: I didn’t see what Braxton hit when he fell outside, did he land torso first, or did he break the fall with his oversized melon there?

GM: Couldn’t tell, but IRS now, working over the back, driving knees into it as Braxton lay prone on his stomach. Picking up the pace here, I’m not sure if Braxton can hit that speed himself, Jess.

JV: IRS pulling Braxton up now, Brother Barry perhaps?

GM: Lifting him across the shoulders actually–

JV: Beautiful Samoan drop! Is that enough?!

GM: Just a count of two, only about a half count away was Schyster. He senses the title is in reach.

JV: Definitely, and he goes right back to that lower back, very smart. He’s not going to let Braxton get his strength back.

GM: IRS setting up Braxton now, backbreaker and a beauty! Wow, did he plant that knee or what? Braxton’s laid out as IRS now, going to that middle turnbuckle.

JV: A moderate risk here.

GM: IRS measures–he misses the elbow drop!

JV: Braxton just got an opening, but I’m not sure he has it in him to capitalize! He may be too far gone!

GM: Heidenreich yelling encouragement as IRS gets to his feet–

JV: Braxton with IRS–lifts him and drops him across that top rope!

GM: IRS gasping for air, Braxton setting up–Russian legsweep! Can he hook the leg–only a count of two! So close!

JV: Braxton nearly took it right there, I can’t believe he’s mounting a comeback!

GM: Braxton into the ropes, IRS ducking the charge–ohh! IRS caught him on the rebound with a knee to the guts!

JV: Braxton got low-bridged good there! Clutching his abdomen like he’s had one too many patty melts at Denny’s!

GM: IRS with Braxton now, could be a suple–no, Braxton with a small package! NO, two count only!

JV: Wow, Braxton almost got it back there! IRS seems confused, he didn’t think Braxton had this much fight in em! I know I didn’t!

GM: Braxton–stops IRS in his tracks with a right hand! And another one, somehow summoning the will to fight! Sends IRS off the ropes, Braxton runs–Heidenreich just tripped Braxton again–

JV: IRS WITH THE WRITE-OFF!

GM: COME ON!

JV: Schyster covers! Two–NO, only two!

GM: Irwin R. Schyster nearly stole the title right there! That’s three times now that Heidenreich has stuck his nose in where it doesn’t belong!

JV: And that’s three times Joey Marella’s missed it! Schyster now, standing leg drop as he’s closing in on the gold! Another cover, another two count. Braxton not goin’ quietly!

GM: IRS, I sense a little frustration on his part, going to that chinlock. Will try and take the remaining air out of Braxton while torquing on the neck and back. He may not even be able to see the depth of Braxton’s endurance.

JV: Braxton’s hanging on, I agree, it’s awful hard to put him away, and we’re seeing just how much he can handle. But IRS isn’t relenting.

GM: Really pulling back on the chin–this crowd here at Trump is stirring, what is–woah, take a look!

JV: And Real Deal Reynolds is making an entrance down the ramp!

GM: RD Reynolds arriving, no doubt to provide moral support to his best friend in this all-important contest! He’ll also work to neutralize Heidenreich’s blatant interference, I’m sure!

JV: Well, maybe he should have come out here earlier rather than wait for Braxton to be in a pained lull! And wow, did you see that sour expression on Schyster’s face when he saw Reynolds?

GM: Reynolds slapping the apron, trying to alert Braxton. Schyster meanwhile has broken the hold, and now he’s jawing with Reynolds! He’s making a mistake!

JV: Absolutely, don’t relent when you’ve got Braxton down!

GM: IRS telling him to watch what he does to his boy right now. Reynolds can only do just that, watch and see what IRS has in store.

JV: Schyster stomping away, daring Braxton to get up, and kicking him like a dog when he tries. He’s gonna humiliate em in front of Reynolds, and enjoy doing it!

GM: IRS setting Braxton up now, is it Brother Barry time–no, Braxton with a right hand!

JV: Braxton escapes Schyster’s grasp!

GM: Braxton off the ropes–elbow between the eyes of IRS, takes him down! Going for the cover–only a count of two!

JV: Schyster took his eye off the ball to argue with Reynolds and he’s paying for it! Reynolds and Heidenreich are cheering their men on, but Braxton’s got the advantage!

GM: Braxton sends IRS into the ropes–high back body drop! Going for another cover–one, two, NO! Two and a half!

JV: Braxton’s trying to close this out, I don’t believe it, he’s close!

GM: Braxton with a dazed Irwin R Schyster, scoop and a slam! He’s headed for the buckle!

JV: The flying elbow is coming up–woah, Braxton just dropped to a knee!

GM: The exhaustion is beginning to set in, and Braxton nearly keeled over! Reynolds encouraging him, and Braxton’s climbing the buckle, it’s on its way!

JV: Braxton’s about to deliver–

GM: GET HEIDENREICH DOWN FROM THERE! Heidenreich to the apron, Reynolds runs over to stare him off! He was gonna get involved!

JV: Schyster’s got Braxton back in, but there’s still no referee! He’s signaling for Brother Barry!

GM: Schyster with Braxton in his clutches, he’s going for it–

JV: Brother Bar–WHAT?!?

GM: OHH, Reynolds put the briefcase under Schyster, and IRS cracked his head on it trying to land Brother Barry!

JV: THIS IS HORRIBLE! IRS IS OUT COLD! AND MARELLA’S COMING AROUND!

GM: Braxton with barely a cover, Marella’s crawling over! Can he get there?!

JV: IRS isn’t moving!

GM: Marella now, one……two…….can he…..

JV: NO, IRS WITH THE SHOULDER UP!

GM: That was as close as close can be, but that only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades! Reynolds can’t believe it, but both Braxton and Schyster are just about done! One move may be all–Heidenreich just took Reynolds down with a running forearm!

JV: Braxton trying to get up–OOOOH!

GM: Schyster just went low on Braxton! The referee’s still clearing the cobwebs, he didn’t see it!

JV: Heidenreich’s got that briefcase now, he’s about to hit Reynolds! Waiting for him to get up!

GM: IRS has Braxton, setting up for Brother Barry one more time!

JV: Heidenreich with the briefcase raised, daring Reynolds to get to his–

GM: Reynolds bringing the title in to his best friend, and the celebration is under way here at Trump Plaza! Blade Braxton wins four matches in one night to claim the gold, against all odds!

JV: IRS being helped away by Heidenreich, he has no idea what’s happened, as The Mega Crappers stand tall, Braxton as the first ever WrestleCrap World Heavyweight Champion! My hat’s off to Blade Braxton, he withstood everything thrown his way, and he’s come out on top!

GM: Reynolds couldn’t be happier, his longtime best friend standing tall as the champion, and this capacity crowd in Atlantic City giving all the accolades to the champ!

JV: Hey, where’s Reynolds going?

GM: Reynolds leaving the ring, is he giving the spotlight to Braxton for this–

JV: Wait, what does Reynolds have?!

GM: Oh boy…..is that what I think it is?!

JV: That’s the love of Blade Braxton’s life, a mannequin dressed like Katie Vick! Remember when he and Reynolds dropped $200 to buy–

GM: Yes, I read the website, Jess, I know the story! But it’s Blade Braxton’s celebration as champion of the world, and if he wants to celebrate with a supposed dead cheerleader that a certain dentist we know allegedly violated after a car wreck, that’s his prerogative! I love it!

JV: Well Monsoon, WrestleCrapMania was certainly a happening! I can’t wait to do this again next year!

GM: Absolutely, we leave you all with the parting shot of Blade Braxton as your new WrestleCrap World Heavyweight Champion! For Jesse “The Body” Ventura, I’m Gorilla Monsoon saying SO LONG from Trump Plaza andWrestleCrapMania!

(This event would not have been the same without the wonderful contributions of Catherine Perezand her Photoshop work. Give her a Twitter follow for all the amazing work she does. As for me, give me a followhereif ya’d like.)

Justin Henry is WrestleCrap's inquiring newsman, thirsting for knowledge always. He enjoys the art of satire, as you'll find in many of his works here at WrestleCrap. Drop him a line on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh) and Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/jrhwriting)

A brilliant read, very well done!! Although the lack of Vince Russo and the crazy, over-booked swerves that come with him are sorely missed. Hope he’ll be on the next Meme Event!!. Also hope you have plans to debut Glacier, Tito Ortiz, Mordecai, Bo Dallas, The Kiss Demon, Robocop, Jenna Morasca, Eva Marie, Pirate Paul Burchill, John Zandig, heel Dixie Carter and many more in the coming year!!

I did miss having a drunken Robin Leach stagger down the aisle presenting the championship belt. Do we get the debut of my beautifully named Intercrapinental Title soon because a battle royal with the last 10-15 people to hold the I-C title should be overflowing with more crap than Oakland Coliseum.