Cameron's baby of doom

This looks like the longest ever election campaign - and it is already well under way. Fortunately, it is also shaping up to be the most bonkers election campaign, so that should help keep us cheerful. Yesterday David Cameron called a session to talk about debt. He held it in the Horticultural Hall, near Victoria, London. It seemed a curious choice. Perhaps he wanted to plant a seed of doubt in our minds.

On the wall, flickering figures announced "Labour's debt crisis - live". The figures purported to show how much the government was borrowing, and how much it was rising. Unless they were in Zimbabwean dollars - in which case they would just about buy a loaf of bread - the numbers were terrifyingly high and whizzing up all the time. They were, we were told, rising at the rate of £2,500 per second, or £9m an hour.

Then there was a mad video in which words such as DEBT and MORE DEBT and CRIPPLING DEBT whirled around the screen. It was incomprehensible and impossible to read but, by golly, it looked scary.

Then, just to complete the mood of abject terror, on came George Osborne, the shadow chancellor. He talked about our addiction to debt. He mentioned the debt crisis. "Labour's DEBT burden will not be paid by unspecified people at an unspecified time. It will be paid by US!" As for Gordon Brown, "while he surveys the wreckage of the boom he failed to prepare for, he needs to ratchet up DEBT!"

By this time we were quivering. But there was worse to come. Much worse. David Cameron appeared, and we realised why they had picked the Horticultural Hall. It has a very long platform, long enough for the Tory leader to stride manfully from one end to the other, like a presidential aide in The West Wing.

It was also long enough to display their giant new poster, which depicts a cute baby boy.

This is one of those statistics that means nothing at all, but is sure to send a shiver up the sturdiest of spines. Did we detect a note of panic in the baby's eyes? Possibly so. You'll soon have the chance to decide, because they are putting up this poster up all around the country.

I wondered what would happen if the enforcers came round to call in the debt.

Hard geezer: "Just a friendly call, pal. Big Frankie wants to know when he's going to get his money back."

Mr Cameron gave a short but angry speech about debt. Several people asked what he would do if he became prime minister, and he seemed rather unsure. But that doesn't matter - it's an election campaign, not an economics seminar.