PizDoff, I have no intention of making fun of him. His threat, on the other hand, is laughable.

He knows nothing of my drug dealing history, he certainly never knew me when I was actually dealing and I have been clean and sober now 8+ months, which is 3 months more than when I met him legit. So either he did some serious internet digging to come to the conclusion I was a dealer, OR he is slowly convincing himself I am some sort of a cartel head with a merc army. Either way, I'm flattered.

Sounds to me like he's some kind of control freak and the only reason he's bothering you is because he hasn't found someone else to obsess over other than your ladyfriend.

Logic would dictate that either getting him something else to consume his time with or intimidating him enough would solve the problem. So unless you've got someone in mind to throw under that bus or can commit a few minor felonies you probably have to wait until he goes away himself, like a bee.

I'm not usually a dick, but, there are only three ways to deal with this, and all of them involve acting like a dick.

1: Have violent, passionate, sodomy with his mother, upload it to the internet, and send him a link.

2: Beat the fucking **** out of him worse than Bas Rutten decked the air in his street fight instructional series.

3: Compose a mad rap focussing largely on the size of your penis and how you're likely to commit violence on him unless he shuts the **** up. Front him at his next gig. Ideally, you would get on stage and defeat him in a wild rap battle to much applause.

Any of the above solutions are GUARANTEED to end your problems and make your lady friend wetter than India in monsoon season.

Probably best to ignore all the people telling you to 'forget about him' or 'deal with it like an adult'. They're probably pussies. And you don't want to be a *****. You want to be a dick.