Finding my way in my new world

Living in Hope

It’s only when you stop and think, you realised how many times a day we use the word ‘hope’. I think it’s one of the most overused feelings there may be.

The countless times a day we say it, and we don’t even realised. I’m probably one of the guilty bunch, starting most e-mails and text messages with ‘hope you’re well!’ We use it in happy times and in sad, in good times and in bad, but we never tire or it.

The world itself lives off it. ”Hopefully’ we’ll have good weather tomorrow’, ”Hopefully I’ll get that job’, ‘I ‘hope’ everything’s ok’, the list is endless, literally countless occasions suit this, and will continue to do so.

Having gone through IVF a few times, my world revolved around ‘hope’. The countless injections, pills, scans and checkups made my head spin, and before each of these, I’d say to myself, I ‘hope’ it’s all ok, and each time it was, until the Christmas of 2014. We’d just had the All Clear from the doctors and we were ready for the embryo transfer, I was so nervous, I was shaking, my husband held my hand and calmed my nerves through the transfer, and it was done. We went home, and just ‘hoped’ for the best. As advised I did a pregnancy test and I couldn’t believe it, we were expecting! The embryo had attached, we were finally going to be parents! The sense of relief, after ‘hoping’ for so long felt like a ton of weight had been lifted off my shoulders. A few weeks later something wasn’t right… We rang the hospital,after trawling through the countless information pages and phone numbers, only for a doctor to say not to panic. We awaited our seven week scan and check up, and it was exactly what we had not ‘hoped’ for. The nurse called in the doctor before saying anything, but my heart knew what was about to be said. Our ‘hopes’ had been shattered, heartbroken wasn’t even close to how it felt. After a few days I even got to the point of getting angry with myself, for only thinking about me, and forgetting how common this all is, forgetting about the countless hearts that had broken. Just because people don’t talk about it, doesn’t mean it’s not happening. Each of those parents were in ‘hope’ too.

In the couple of months that followed, I made a little deal with myself, to make happen, rather than just ‘hoping’ for something to happen. For obvious reasons one cannot control everything, but I wanted to feel like I could, to a certain extent, control certain things in my power.

Whether or not I actually have made things happen or not, my mindset is what I wanted to instil a change in. I still ‘hope’ others are well and having a good day, but I can say for sure that I am.