“Day after day, I must face a world of strangers Where I don’t belong, I’m not that strong … I can take all the madness the world has to give But I won’t last a day without you” – Paul H Williams / Roger S Nichols

So I don’t think I complain a lot.. maybe I do, but I try not to. I try to make the best of every situation. But tonight I’m sitting on my couch crying. It’s no one’s fault. I think I am stressed about starting work next week (Yes! I got job!) and school and the dogs being alone while I’m at both, a dog sitter I really don’t know (but seems amazing and comes VERY highly recommended) and figuring out how to do my taxes for the first time and a broken car, a falling down carport, a cracking ceiling and well … just life. And it’s been raining and crappy weather for about 3 weeks straight – that really bums me out more than anything else.

Ever since Duane passed I have this inability to do more than 2 or 3 things in a day. If I try to, I get so overwhelmed I can’t handle it. I have a major break down. It’s getting better and I have learned to work with it, but it sucks. I really have to PLAN – not something I’m used to. I have also become way more sensitive – maybe I’ll do a separate post on that later …

So tonight I rented “A Star is Born” from Redbox. I was super excited to watch it. But the DVD is BROKEN. This is not the first time this has happened at Redbox. I was fine with it until … I called in and they hung up on me. They said they would not refund my money (seriously it’s $1.75 it’s not about the money – it’s about customer service – but when you ship your jobs overseas….), I need to call back in tomorrow and talk to someone else. I asked why and she got quiet so I asked again and she hung up on me.

Why cant people just be nice. This was the last time I rent from Redbox. And I know it doesn’t matter. I am just one person. But I remember Duane saying, I’ll never buy anything made in China again, I laughed, but, he didn’t (to the best of his knowledge).

This is such a stupid thing to be upset about, I know. But sometimes this is my reality. Honestly this is my nonexistent life now! HAHAHAHAHA! I obviously need to get out more. I guess this is just leading into a post about PTSD, Caregiver burnout and life changing events. Maybe this is what needed to happen – a broken DVD – to help me get deeper about caregiving and death and widowhood and the toll that they take on a person.

2 thoughts on ““Day after day, I must face a world of strangers Where I don’t belong, I’m not that strong … I can take all the madness the world has to give But I won’t last a day without you” – Paul H Williams / Roger S Nichols”

It is a tough journey. One you will never be over. You will go on and have many joyful times and memories, but you will always have this pain – not as raw as it is now, but deep down it changes who you are. You will be more compassionate. More tolerant. And more great greatful for the joys that will come your way. So even though everything is a new challenge – and it is tough!!- you will make a new life that you and Dwayne, and your family will be so proud of! There is no time line for grieving. It is a scar in your heart that will always be there – it just shows how much you loved and were loved.