Thursday, July 29, 2010

Well, I’m back in Seoul after about a four day stay in Cheongju. It definitely wasn’t the most eventful part of my trip thus far, but I still think that it was worth going. I mean, it might possibly have been the last time I see my grandmother, so it’s better to check up on her now. I mean, I was slightly offended though hahaha. She looks me up and down and just goes, “Lose some weight, okay?” You know just what to say Mammy =) But of course I don’t really mind. I think all grandparents say/do the craziest things. The one from my mother’s side loves to just… fart all the time. I know now where my mother gets it from. Seriously, we’ll be in the middle of The Notebook, in the saddest scene of the entire movie, and my mother just lets one out while the two die in each others’ arms. It was obnoxiously loud, and practically as long as the movie. I think parents just don’t know the appropriate times for bowel movements, which for me, is in the bathroom.

But I digress. I should talk more about my trip. So, what I did at Cheongju. I went out to dinner with my uncle and my mother while I was there, and I have to say, I don’t think I like Korean food all that much. Well, at least not the traditional kind. I think it’s a bit too weird for me. In case anyone wanted to know, jellyfish isn’t as chewy as it looks. It’s actually crunchy. That was a gross experience. But after having lunch, we managed to visit my grandfather’s grave. It was actually monsoon season in Korea up until last week, so it had been raining nonstop. That day was surprisingly very sunny, and we were able to take the car up the mountain. My grandfather’s grave resided in this isolated area of one of the mountains, and I have to say that it was absolutely gorgeous. I’m glad that he’s buried in an area that looks over the entire area that’s surrounded by beautiful wildflowers and such. I didn’t really cry much when I saw his grave, but of course my mother was bawling. I think that because I didn’t really know him or even talk to him that I can’t feel any real attachment, but that might just be what I tell myself so I think I’m not an insensitive bastard. I felt bad for my uncle though, since his son’s grave was there as well. He died of malaria before I was born, and he was around fifteen I think. My uncle doesn’t really like to talk all that much, so I can’t ever tell what he’s really thinking. Still, I did appreciate that he took us so far just to see my grandfather. It meant a lot.

For the other three days in Cheongju, I didn’t really do much. My grandmother liked to stay inside her room by herself for the most part, and I just enjoyed being on the computer and watching Korean television. I actually started watching the Vampire Diaries since I got here, which is slightly pathetic I have to say. But I still liked it and I’m planning on watching it when I get back in the States. But back to the real story. On the last day of my stay, I mainly spent my time in my grandmother’s room with my mother. We figured that she might enjoy some company before we left. After all, it’s really just her. My uncle does live with her, but he ends up staying out for work until 11pm. For the most part, she’s all alone. She gave me these earrings as a parting gift, and they were beautiful. I think she has a hard time telling me just how she feels, but I do think that she cares, and that she wants something for me to remember her by.

So we left my grandmother, and came back to my grandparents who live in Seoul. I can’t really recall all that I’ve done since then, but I’ll try my best. Hahaha, let’s see… Just two days ago, I went on this thing called the Seoul City Tour. The tour consists of a bus that goes all around the city to different destinations. A person can get off at whichever destination he wants, and can look around. There will be buses arriving at a certain checkpoint every twenty minutes so that when said person is done at one specific area, he can get on the bus and relocate to a different attraction. My mother really wanted to go on this thing because I guess she feels the need for me to be edumacated somehow. It’s summer. IDGAF. But I thought that I’d been doing most of the things that I want to do, so the city tour was the least I could do for her.

On the tour, we stopped at the National Museum of Korea. It was, as I expected, very bland. I don’t think I hate history or that I’m uncultured, but I don’t generally like the idea of museums. I much prefer places that showcase art and music, not stones and pottery. But of course that’s just my opinion. Hopefully I don’t sound too dimwitted right now hahaha. Anyways, we also stopped at this palace. I can’t really remember the name, but of course, it was gorgeous. It turns out that it was completely rebuilt after the Japanese had destroyed it in an invasion during the 1500s. Since then, it’s been retouched slightly and has maintained most of its properties from the way it was in the thirteenth century. I think I would have liked the place more had it not been over ninety degrees OR my feet weren’t in pain from all of the walking. I know I’m unathletic , but even for regular people that was a lot of trekking. My newly formed blisters do not approve.

OH, and on another note, it turns out that the reason as to why my pinkie toenail has a black spot on it… is because it’s infected -_- Possibly with a fungus. That thing has been there for like, five months, and I’ve only heard of this now. I am both disgusted and mortified. Hopefully I can get that fixed as soon as I get home, but I won’t be able to do anything about it until then. That goes perfectly with my slightly missing big toenail. Basically, WHAT HAD HAPPENED WAS, I was walking with two friends in Princeton to go to this frozen yogurt place. It had been raining just thirty minutes ago, and the streets were slippery. I almost fall once, much to everyone’s amusement, and then I actually do trip, to everyone’s raucous laughter. Derek was even pounding the pavement from how hysterically hilarious he thought it was. I think I looked like a straight up drunk prostitute with two boys and me falling all over the place. But so then I scraped my knee a bit and my big toe was bleeding from underneath the toenail. I finally get home after the night at Princeton (which I actually had a lot of fun doing =)), and I end up tripping over one of the suitcases my mother had left out for our vacation. It hurt a lot more than I thought a regular stub would, so I turn on a light and look down, just to see my toenail missing and my foot bleeding. I guess that solves the mystery of how to get blood out from underneath the nail. But luckily, the nail has almost grown back to a presentable length at this time! I have to say though, my feet look seriously jacked up. It’s like a midget hobo’s pair of feet are attached to mine. Or maybe a hobbit’s.

But let’s see… other things I’ve done. Oh, the reason as to why I had to leave my grandmother in Cheongju. There was a Park (my mother’s side) family reunion in Seoul, and so I got to see my great aunt, my mother’s cousins, and various others. They all say the same thing about me, which is actually pretty funny. Apparently I have gorgeous eyes and nose. Luckily, they’re kind enough not to comment on my weight, although I’m pretty sure they’re all thinking it. Haha, but I do like that they shower me with compliments that I don’t nearly deserve. I had never seen almost all of the people I saw that day, so it was definitely nice to get to see everyone before I left for the States again. So we all had lunch together and got acquainted. I felt bad for the left side of the table since it seemed like they wanted to join in on the conversations, but were isolated on their own island. One of my mother’s cousins had a wife, and she looked so eager to listen in and possibly make a conjecture, but then never did. I felt for her. Hahah, she was like me except probably less of a fail. But of course there’s the shopping. I know I have a problem. I think that I have this mindset that I can’t go somewhere without purchasing at least one item, and that if I don’t get anything, then the entire day is shot. I don’t do this on purpose, but it seems to be the concept that I’ve picked up, and I’m not particularly proud of myself for doing so. I can definitely have fun without shopping, but my mother thinks that it’s all I ever think about, and that’s certainly not the case. It bothers me that she feels that way, but I guess I do exhibit the behavior that would condone that. I think it mainly has to do with how my mother and I don’t really get along that well. We like completely different things and almost never see eye to eye. The only thing we do have in common is shopping, and that’s usually the only thing we do together besides going out to eat. But this isn’t Dr. Phil family analyze time, so I’ll just move on. I went to this duty free place that sold my two most favorite Korean makeup brands: Etude House and Skinfood. I hadn’t seen a Skinfood store since I got to Korea, so I was particularly excited to get things from there. I ended up only buying two things, but they were the ones I had researched. Oh, and in case you couldn’t tell, I have a ridiculously obsession with cosmetics. I don’t want to sound like too much of a makeup geek, but I’ve definitely been going on a ridiculous spending spree because of it. I think that my newfound wealth has been spent on either clothes or makeup, with the latter being more prominent. But at the duty free shop, I purchased a few things for myself, including this face mask. Now, it wasn’t in my bag originally, but some Japanese girl had literally nine tubs of the stuff in her cart, so I figured it had to be good. I don’t really have a need for a moisturizing mask though, so I’m thinking I might give it to one of my friends who suffer from dry skin. I’ll say that someone personally recommended it. I’ll leave out the unintentional part.

I also went to this famous place in Seoul called Dongdaemun. The first time I went with my aunt. I was spending part of my time there to research my options for my freshman writing seminar. Her house (thank bejesus) has internet and air-conditioning, something that is clearly missing from my grandparents’ house. She said that she was bored and so we went there at around ten at night. She showed us around the parts that she knew, which were slightly… matronly. I didn’t say it to her face, but the market was clearly geared towards a more mature age level. Still, I got two dresses there, one of which was only ten bucks! I was quite excited about that, although I do have to say, it’s randomly tight in the ass area. I thought the top part would be an issue, what with my broad shoulders and big stomach, but it was nice and roomy there. Instead, I felt like my butt was being stuck into a sausage like contraption. Oh well, I guess I’ll have to make do. According to Korean scales, I have a ghetto booty =P.

Anyways, the second time I went to Dongdaemun was with my cousin. She took me to the more teenager-ish areas and it was pretty nice! The only thing was that I was tired, and of course my mother was as well. Although I wanted to look more and get into the Korean style, my mother just had a tired look on her face and kept asking to leave. I was a bit peeved about that, but I can understand. I don’t really enjoy being with her when she’s in Banana Republic, so I can’t hold that against her. I also got two new pairs of glasses since my parents figured I would need them for college. I was only going to get one, but the other pair was fifteen dollars and cute, so my mother thought it was a good deal. I was pretty happy with the frames I got, but the ones that looked the best were these absolutely beautiful Bvlgari ones. I fell in love at first sight. My heart sank as soon as I saw the price. It was 340,000 won, aka 300 bucks. I knew I couldn’t get those, especially with my track record of losing things. I couldn’t get over how pretty they were, but I couldn’t expect my mother to get me those, and I shouldn’t have expected to get them. Also, I got my old glasses fixed since they were ridiculously crooked. As soon as the optometrist saw them, he said that someone had either stepped on them or sat on them. I shrugged my shoulders when all eyes were on me, but I definitely remembered rolling on top of them in my sleep more than once. My mother shook her head at my stupidity. Lol, these are the little things that get to me! I know they sound ridiculously superficial, but that’s just because they are =P

I also got a shirt from some store and two necklaces that were exact duplicates of the two that I own, but had broken. I think anyone can see why my mother wouldn’t trust me with 300 dollar glasses. But overall, the trip to Dongdaemun was nice. I had horrible indigestion right before we went though. I thought my stomach was going to explode. I guess that’s what I get for eating too much and not pooping enough. Hahaha, my cousin actually got something of the Korean boy band 2PM because one of my friends wanted a poster from them. I thought that she got me a poster to give to my friend, but when I saw her, she handed me these miniscule postcards. I laughed, she was confused. It turns out that she thought that’s what I meant. I think postcards are actually ridiculously dumb, but I still loved her effort. She always tries to do whatever she can to make sure I’m either having fun or I get what I want. That sounds like I’m ridiculously spoiled, which I do consider myself as in Korea.

So, there were a few other things I did here and there, but I think that my laptop is burning my lap and that I’m sweating as though I’m in a sauna, indicating that I should end this blog post and go to bed. But before I do that, I have to mention the friends who have been messaging me or writing on my wall on facebook since I’ve been in Korea… I just want to say thanks. It means so much to me that they’ve been trying to keep in contact with me this whole time. Sometimes, when I have nothing to here, I get really lonely and just think about all of the things my friends are doing without me, and I’m sure that they’re perfectly fine even without me there, and that makes me sad. But when I see that someone takes time out of their life to keep me updated and write me long messages, I become instantly elated. So, this is basically a hugeeee cyber hug to all those people who have been leaving me wonderful messages this whole time. Whether it’s telling me about what they’ve been doing recently or just a random story about three guys in White Castle, I absolutely adore every single message I get. I don’t feel like as much of a loser because of such nice people =)

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

So, I've finally been able to sit down and relax in what seems like ages. It turns out that it's almost impossible for me to have both comfort and internet access at the same time in Korea. -_- But all is well! Hahaha, I haven't died just yet. It's been a while since I've written a post, but I'm glad I have time now.

I'm currently spending the night with my grandmother from my father's side. She lives in Cheongju, which is kinda like the countryside in South Korea. It's about an hour and a half away from Seoul, where the rest of my family lives. The bus ride here was painful since it felt like my bladder was about to explode, but I made it without pissing my pants by listening to some Lady Gaga and rocking out with my cock out. Well, not really.

Anyways, I'm here now and all I can say is... Wow. I was shocked when I saw my grandmother. It was the first time I had seen here since I was about nine. I knew her health was taking a turn for the worse, but I didn't expect such a drastic change. I was almost brought to tears. She seems so weak. Her eyelids had drooped to the point where I couldn't see her eyes, her hands and feet were extremely swollen, preventing her from moving more than twenty feet for a period of time. I had seen my other grandmother just a week ago, and she seemed perfectly fine. I feel guilty for not wanting to stay here for more than a day. She's been alone for the last ten years of her life. My grandfather died from cancer long ago, so now it's just her and her caretaker. I don't think she cares for my presence that much, but I don't think some company will do any harm. She seems to have really taken a liking to my brother though. His pictures are all up on her wall. I used to be bothered by things like that, but now, I can't really want anything more than to just make her happy.

So, I'm not sure how long I'm staying in Cheongju for, but the impatient/slightly inconsiderate side of me wants to leave after about three days. Although, I have to say, having internet for a regular amount of time is a pretty good deal. I haven't felt this... alone in such a long time. I know it sounds silly, but it's only been a week and I'm already homesick. I can't really have a regular conversation with anyone but my mother since my Korean is very limited. It's not as though I would have such meaningful conversations with my relatives, as they're all in their fifties. But I still just want someone to talk to. I don't think I've ever been this quiet for such a long period of time haha. Honestly, though, sometimes, I just want to yell in the middle of the streets of Seoul, "DOES ANYONE SPEAK ENGLISH, IS MY AGE, AND DOESN'T THINK I'm CREEPY?" I don't really think I have the balls/confidence to do that though. If anyone's still reading this, I think I'll take a vote. If more than two people suggest that I do this, then I shall! =)

Moving on... I've done a couple of things since I've been here. Seoul is the equivalent of NYC in America, and I have to say, it has a lot of stuff to offer. Of course, I'm this crazy materialistic whore, so the thing I enjoyed the most was shopping. I got a LOT of people souvenirs (seriously, when my cousin saw the list of friends, she started laughing), and got myself a few things as well. I even got an outfit from one of the shops in the subway. That sounds shady lol, but I know Alice Huang would be proud of me ;), especially since it was only ten bucks. I've also had tonssss of amazing food so far, but I think that it's definitely a negative at this point. My jeans are becoming too difficult to button and I fear that one of my pants buttons is trying to make an escape. I haven't really been able to poop much as of late either, so that's pretty rough. I TRY TO DO SO ONCE A DAY AT LEAST. A few people have told me that it's unhealthy to live otherwise haha.

My recently married cousin has been nothing but amazing this whole time. She's 33, has a job and a husband, but still has time to look after me. She takes me to all these places, buys me all these things, drives me to these places, and gives me little gifts. All of my relatives try really hard to make me happy, but I feel as though she cares the most, which means a lot, especially since I feel so alone as of late. She's also ridiculously cute, which I find is... weird since she's slightly old haha, but her husband is really nice too. He's a bit more on the quiet side though. I probably won't be seeing much of him since he has to complete his time in the army. In South Korea, all men at the age of... 25-ish? have to enroll in the army for five days a week and must do so for three years. Therefore, he has to take an absence of leave from work, and can only come home on weekends. Weird, right? Oh, and on a completely unrelated note, I've noticed something. In a country full of Asians, I regret to say that I think the stereotype of Asians being the worst drivers... is completely true. I've never been more afraid to walk into a car in my entire life.

So, what else is there to talk about? I guess I could go into detail about my trip thus far. I landed in Korea at about 3:00am. The flight was TERRIBLE. I don't think that the specific airline was bad, but fourteen hours is just horrible in general. Besides the level of comfort going extremely downhill, it was an overall pleasant flight. I watched three in-flight movies. I saw Shutter Island, which I actually really liked a lot. Completely mind boggling, but entertaining nonetheless. I also rewatched How to Train Your Dragon, since I loved it so much the first time. Still liked it the second time around, but it made me realize that Toy Story 3 was my favorite animated movie of the year. I even saw Valentine's Day. Boy, was that shit-tastic. It was a complete waste of two hours and thirty minutes. I can't believe it was that long too. I should've given up when the scenes with Taylor Lautner were over. Nothing got much better after that. I also ate massive amounts of airplane food. I realize now that when I'm ridiculously bored and have nothing better to do, I just eat. A LOT. So every time they gave out food, I had all of it. I couldn't poo for the next two days, so that airplane food was stuck in my stomach for a while. I was worried for a while that I might become constipated haha.

So my cousin and her husband picked my mother and me up around 4:30 am, which was late, but understandable since they had to wake up in the middle of the night to pick us up. We went to eat at this restaurant nearby my grandmother's house, and the sight was pretty interesting. There were tons of kids my age, eating their food and sipping their liquor. It turns out that they were all from the nightclub across the street, which explained the massive high heels and super winged eyeliner. Needless to say, I was envious. I definitely want to try to go clubbing in Korea, but I would have no one to do that with. I can't ask my 33 year old cousin to drop her marital duties and take me to a scantily clad nightclub. But so then, after we finished eating, we were dropped off at my grandparent's house (on my mother's side). My grandmother was just how I remembered her. She ages very gracefully, or maybe it's just her bubbly personality. She doesn't look a day over sixty. My grandfather, on the other hand, looked very fragile. He lost so much weight and the signs of aging were more prominent. My mother started crying after she saw him. The meeting was nice, and I think my grandparents were pretty happy to see me. I don't really know what they think of me, but my mother keeps on interrupting every relative to go, "DIDN'T SHE TURN OUT SO PRETTY? EVEN THOUGH SHE LOOKS JUST LIKE HER FATHER." Thanks, Mom. You always know just what to say =P

What else have I done? Oh yeah, I went to this place called Itaewon my first day, with my cousin and her husband, and it's probably the most Americanized region of Seoul. It's where all the tourists go. It's laden with souvenirs and fake designer brand purses. It was fun doing some random shopping here and there. I got a couple of souvenirs for people and a few fake Chanel earrings for myself. I can't recall everything I've done, but another thing was going to this area called Shinsegae. This is the second richest department store in South Korea, I think. It's similar to Saks 5th Avenue. I got this foundation I heard about that's only available in Korea (since I'm a makeup junkie) and a specific MAC item that's, once again, only available in Korea. What can I say? I'm a sucker for these kinda things. The entrance to the shopping center is connected to the subway, where the craziness begins. It turns out that people sell things in the subways and it's a mall of its own, except for the middle class. I got even more souvenirs there and had a fun time experiencing the "drug-store" makeup of Korea and the underground fashion. It's quite possibly one of the most interesting things I've seen in Korea thus far, but I would say that E-Mart is a close second. The E-Mart is like a ridiculously grandiose version of Walmart, in that everything you could possibly need or want to purchase is in one location. Pet hamsters are in one aisle, bedding in another, stationary, plates, groceries, candy, even a buffet restaurant on the top floor. I wouldn't say it's as cheap as Walmart, but it's pretty ridiculous in its grand selection.

Apparently I have a couple of more places to see, but that will have to wait while I'm in Cheongju. It's pretty comfortable here. There's internet service, AND air conditioning. Goddamn, no one likes the ac in Korea. It's pretty ridiculous. I would wake up in my grandparents' apartment in Seoul, covered by my own sweat, realizing I had only slept for thirty minutes. I think the temperature is a degree or two colder than in the US, but it's definitely a lot more humid, and there is less opportunity to coming home to a cool breeze. If I wasn't eating my own weight in food all the time, I think I would have sweated out some pounds by now.

It's been about a week since I've been here, and I'm already homesick. I thought it would've started kicking in at about the second week, but I guess I'm a bit too lonely. It has to be understandable though. I'm left in a practically foreign country with no friends, no way of getting in contact with friends, limited internet service, no phone, and no one to talk to. I don't hate being in Korea, but I keep thinking of how much fun it would be if there was something with me my age. I miss my friends who I would see every day, the ones who would text me asking about how my day's been going, the ones who I would see while eating dinner at Chili's. It's been over a week since I've had any resemblance of a fun conversation about nothing with one of my buddies. I hope they haven't forgotten about me, because right now, all I can think about is how much fun I could be having with them right now while they're all out without me. I don't want to sound melodramatic, but I guess it can't be helped that I'm alone here. I sound like a dog when I say this hahah, but I need companionship more than anything right now. Gah. I still have two more weeks in Korea, and I'm praying that they go by a lot faster than I think they will.

One of the many terrible things that has resulted from my lack of internet usage has been complications with my schedule for college. I thought I had my entire schedule planned out already, just to realize that I need to take out almost all of my originally desired classes. I don't understand this process at all, and I think I'm going to have to find someone who does know. Frankly, I think I'm lost. I've tried asking my brother for help, but he just shrugs off my problems and says that he's never had to dealt with those before so he can't help me. I don't understand why it seems like I'm the only one who doesn't know how to create a proper schedule according to my major. Apparently, you need to APPLY to be a major, and there are pre-requisites for the major, and THEN there are requirements to graduate as that major? I seriously don't get it. And I'm sitting here wondering if I'm the only one who is this way. I've been constantly asking questions to anyone I can, but with the 14 hour time difference, I haven't been able to have an actual conversation with anyone who can help me in my current predicament. Everything seems to just be going wrong with college, so I don't know what I should necessarily be doing. Hopefully things work out for the best, and I can get in contact with someone who can help me within the next week or so. I've honestly been worried about this to the point where I get a headache the instant I start thinking about it, which is every five minutes. I guess the OCD part of me is kicking in now haha.

I think that this post more than details anything and everything I've been thinking about/doing for the past week. I would like to write more, but I think that my newly formed headache is telling me otherwise. So, the conclusion. Korea is fun, but would be better with friends. College is a bitch. And me? I'm just plain crazy =P

Sunday, July 11, 2010

I'm pretty unhappy with the post I wrote just now, so I decided to write a new one. Hopefully this one's a bit more interesting. I get it. MY BLOG IS BORING. I can't help that I'm a boring person. But hopefully this blog helps you (or someone) get a better idea of who I am, without actually getting to know me. Well, I'd like for more people to know me, but I might be intimidating. Or just plain annoying. It's probably the latter.

So... I wish I could talk about something substantial. Maybe I can try talking about... philosophy. I'm definitely no Aristotle, but I have my own perspective on life. I believe everything happens for a reason, but I also believe that there is no supreme being. Sure, I say "HOLY JESUS" or "Oh my God" all the time, but I'm not entirely sure if there's someone who takes responsibility for every single being on earth. That's just way too much pressure for one person. I would like to think that to a certain extent, humans are in control of their own fates. Life should never be predetermined by others, but I do feel as though everyone is meant to take a certain path. I don't really know if that makes sense to others, but I feel like it's pretty reasonable without being too blasphemous or bible-beating-ish. Yeah, that definitely wasn't a word. Lol, but that reminds me of a rap by Barats and Bereta! They're one of my favorite Youtubers, and for a good reason. Here' s a little snippet of their video, "Bible in a Minute."

The song is actually a lot more fun to watch as a video, but I'm sure if anyone is really curious, it can be easily found on Youtube.

Also, is anyone else completely terrible at packing? I'm leaving in about three days, and I have yet to even put a thing in my suitcase. I've just been thinking of things I would like to wear in Korea, but I just realized that I need 21 outfits. Hot damn. And I need to pack up my makeup and hair care products so I don't look like one ugly ass motherfucker. I bet guys don't have to deal with this much trouble. But so I should've started packing long ago, but I just keep pushing it off. I need to fit adapters, transformers, my laptop, my summer reading, and a whole bunch of other stuff. I always manage to bring ridiculously unnecessary items, and then bring something I'll never use the entire trip. One time, I managed to forget five pairs of underwear, but brought four jackets I've never worn before. Yeah, I'm mentally retarded. I think I need someone to help me out. I might ask someone to come over and help me decide what clothes I should bring to impress my peers. Is that pathetic? Pft, who am I kidding... everything I do is pathetic to some degree =D

Man, I'm still waking up at around two pm these days. I'm severely disappointed in myself. I'll never get anything done at this rate. But there's something that bothers me more. California Gurls. I have six presets, and at any given time two of the six presets have that song playing. I might shank someone at this rate. Then again, it's my fault for breaking the cd player in my car and rendering it completely useless. I've been thinking about listening to my ipod in the car, but I feel like I would increase the probability of me crashing. Not surprisingly, there is a direct correlation to the number of electronics in my car the possibility of me ending my life in a horrible vehicular accident.

So... I haven't really written a post in forever. I know that I don't technically have an obligation or anything, but I feel I need to show the blog some love. After all, it's stuck with me this far! I guess I'll start off with something completely random, except it's not off topic from my last post...

I was talking with Alice about how much I fail with boys. It's pretty funny (pathetic) how I've managed to stay single for the past four years of my life. I don't know how wrong this sounds, but I get upset when I see atrociously ugly couples. It's like, if they can find each other, why can't I find anyone? I don't think I'm the cream of the crop, but I certainly don't think I'm the worst option. And yet it seems as though I am. I have the statistics to prove it. No boy ever likes me. I don't know what vibe it is that I give off. It must be a smelly one, since they all stay away from me.

I even got a question asking me who were all of the boys I had crushed on in NBTHS. I wondered if I should have answered truthfully, and list all of them. But I don't know what counts as a crush or not. I feel like I only "liked" some guys because I thought they had an interest in me. And most of the time, I don't want to admit I like a specific person because more often than not, he would probably be creeped out if I thought that way. If I've shown any inclination towards a guy, I guess I would count it.

But it's weird. I feel as though lately, I've had an influx of guys tell me that I'm pretty... I definitely don't mean for this to sound as though I'm bragging, but I just don't understand. Where were all of these guys the past few years, when I felt like I was the ugliest person in the entire school. I can't help but look in a mirror at least once every thirty minutes. I always look at what I'm unhappy with. My fat stomach, my thunder thighs, my small eyes, my big nose, and my abnormally broad shoulders which are attached to my fat upper arms. I don't think I'm terribly ugly anymore, but I highly doubt anyone finds me that attractive. And for random people to say it now... Well, it's just plain weird.

I guess it goes back to how much I hate never having a relationship in high school. I always felt out of place when everyone would talk about things like one month anniversaries or how terrible the break-ups were. I wish someone would just tell me what it is that makes me so undateable, even if the truth was offensive. Most of my friends tell me it's not a big deal, and that their relationships ended for the worse. Still, that doesn't mean that all of it was terrible. It meant that someone liked you enough to want to be in a relationship, that you weren't just one person. You were a part of a couple. I've never know what the feels like, and it makes me sad.

Back to real life. I'm leaving to go back to the homeland in approximately four days. I leave at 6:00pm on August 15th for the airport. I highly suggest for people to either write on my wall or e-mail me, as I'll be ridiculously alone. I barely know how to speak Korean, so I'm due for a rough time. If anyone does read this, please e-mail me, or write on my facebook wall! I promise to respond. Haha, I definitely don't know what I'm in for. I bet I'll be mistaken for a prostitute when I walk down the streets of Seoul, except for some reason I think I would be complimented... Anyways, I think that I'll blog every couple of days from there to talk about what's happening, but I doubt much will occur. I have the vocabulary of a disrespectful five year old, so I'm pretty sure hilarity will ensue. Wish me luck and pray that I don't die from embarrassment.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

I'm not really sure either. It's 7:07 am. It's quite possibly the earliest I've woken up all summer. In reality, it's the latest I've stayed up. I'm sick of practically spending an entire day with my eyes closed (insert dirty joke here). So, I figured that I might as well go ahead and stay awake for the next twenty-four hours, in the hopes that I will be sleepy enough to go to bed at an appropriate time. I realize now that this is a completely dumb idea because 1)I'll probably end up falling asleep from now until 10pm and 2)I'm going to be completely wiped out when I go out to dinner tonight at eight. Epic Fail.

I don't find myself to be ridiculously exhausted just yet. It's actually quite the opposite. At 8:00am, my enrollment appointment begins. I'm almost foaming at the mouth for the thought of picking my classes for the upcoming fall semester. Just a little less than an hour from now, and I'm finally in control of my life. I thought I'd feel relieved in this moment, but instead, I'm panicking. I've always had my parents breathing down my neck, telling me exactly what I need to do. Now, I'm the one who needs to decided what classes I should take for my future.

I even signed up for a mentor program! I thought that if I met someone who was in my exact position years ago, that maybe she could help me with the difficult decisions with which I'm struggling. I just got an e-mail yesterday saying that I've already been matched up! I can't wait to see what kind of successful lady this woman is, and I hope that she doesn't find me ridiculously creepy. I give off that vibe sometimes.

Also, the one thing I was particularly miffed about now has the prospects to be one of the best times I might have. At Cornell, there is a physical education requirement. Yes, I need a gym class. I hated the idea of wearing the same shirt every single day for an hour, sweating and being laughed at for my lack of physical prowess. Thoughts of feeling like the fattest and most loser-ish kid as I'm picked last for the volleyball team made me groan. But it's not like that at all. There are over 100 courses to choose from for every single person. I know just how unfit I am, but most of these just seem like something I would genuinely enjoy learning. One of the classes I really want to take is Introduction to Swing Dancing. Oh. My. God. Sure, I have no dancing ability whatsoever, but that has got to be one of the most creative and interesting gym classes to take. If I want to be a bit more athletic, I can try cardio kick-boxing. I've never been this excited about signing up for phys ed ever. I love college.

Monday, July 5, 2010

I've been freaking out a bit more than usual... The culprit? College. I heard everyone talking about picking and choosing their courses for the fall semester, and a great deal of them had already filled their entire schedule. I hadn't even looked at the requirements for my school nor had I thought about what classes I would want to take, or if I even wanted to keep my major. I spent the entire Fourth of July thinking about this, and I saw that enrollment would start happening starting July 7th. I don't know what's going to become of this.

I really just want to ask one of my fellow suitemates about this, but I don't want to come off as completely ignorant and unaware of the things I clearly should know. I've tried asking the people around me, but each person has a completely different opinion, and I don't know which to take into consideration. Someone who's already in college tells me that staying in the CAS is a better idea so that I have more options when I graduate, while another tells me that transferring into the Life Sciences school would be more beneficial if I were to go into business. I'm not even sure if I want to go into business when I get older, but I thought I wanted to have a path already given to me. And yet would I hate myself for taking an easier road, compromising what I necessarily want because I don't want to bother with it? I thought getting into college was rough...

The date is fast approaching, and I have approximately.. three classes I am looking into. Yeah, I have a lot of work cut out for me. I really hope the process becomes easier because frankly, I feel lost. I want to talk to someone who can understand exactly what I'm going through, but I don't know if there is anyone like that. Everyone seems so sure of what they're doing, and I'm envious. Maybe it's my indecisiveness, or my refusal to look forward to the future. I really do want to go to college. I do want to grow up. I guess I just didn't know it was so difficult.

On a random note, I am ridiculously in love with Green Day at the moment. I was listening to Basket Case, and the lyrics struck a note with me (was that a bad pun or what?).

Saturday, July 3, 2010

As I had a texting conversation with someone spanning from 9:00pm to 3:00am, I think I noticed a couple of things.

I act in different ways based on the people by whom I'm surrounded. I don't know if I really come off the way that I intend, but I try to act cooler around my cooler friends, and smarter around my smart friends. I doubt that I'm really that successful at it, but I still do it. It makes me wonder if I adapt myself to the situation at hand, or if this is just some desperate attempt for me to want to conform. I think it's the latter.

I can't imagine anyone liking me exactly the way that I am. That's how I was when I was younger, and I had absolutely no friends. I would consider myself a very unfriendly person at heart, someone who much prefers staying at home and being an introvert. I realized early on that I would be all alone if I did that, and I couldn't stand to live that way. So, I try as hard as I can to get people to like me. I think that I'm pretty successful most of the time, but I became more aware of my... fakeness.

I try to appear more innocent to the people who would look at me differently if they knew half of the things I do, but then try to look badass to the ones who would scoff at the lack of things I've done. I'm loud and obnoxious so that people will remember me more than anyone else, and I make a conscious effort to meet new people so I appear friendly and sincere.

I don't necessarily understand why I'm so afraid of people disliking me. My insecurity and fear probably brings about more issues than if I didn't give a damn. I like to blame it on my having a vagina, but I think there's a deeper issue. What it is, I don't know. As corny as it sounds, I just wish I could be myself, or at the very least, the same fake person to everybody. I'm sure people would come up to me and tell me that they like me as I am, but I'm sure that's a lie. I'm cynical, critical, and above all, just a plain old loser.

I realize now that this post is a bit on the Debbie Downer side, but it's just something I noticed recently. Does anyone else feel this way sometimes, as though you're forced to act in a certain manner because you're terrified no one will like you as you are?

On an unrelated note, I seriously need to fix my sleeping pattern. I woke up at four thirty today, and it took me a lot of willpower to get up even at that time. And now it's three thirty and I'm pretty sure I won't go to sleep for at least another hour. Should I stay up the entire day so that I'll fall asleep at a normal time, or is there a better solution? Also, my brother has yet to show up. So I get incessantly yelled at and punished for being out until 2:35, and I'm fairly positive nothing will happen to him. Oh, the woes of a female in an Asian household. This reminds me of something though.

Yesterday, Katherine Ebright walked 2.1 miles to my house because I told her I was absolutely bored out of my mind. My parents had put me on lockdown for a day and absolutely forbid me from leaving the house. We had previous plans to go to the mall with two other people, but the family unit didn't care. Although I calmly tried to rationalized with them and offer alternative solutions, they didn't listen to anything I had to say. I had to abruptly cancel on people I hadn't seen in four weeks. I felt disrespected, because my parents had no thought of giving any consideration to my plans or how I felt about the entire situation. I proposed fairly reasonable ideas, apologized for my actions, and promised I wouldn't do it again. They proceeded to yell at me and tell me that I'm completely irresponsible and don't deserve any of the privileges I have. I was more upset that they clearly don't trust me to take care of myself over anything else. I understand that it was bad that I was out past 2:00, but I wasn't doing anything illegal, or even remotely irresponsible. I know how to take care of myself, but my parents don't trust me to do that. My mother still refuses to get into the car with me because she thinks I'll get into an accident. My brother got into an accident and my father received a ticket, and yet they all assume that I'm the one who put the dent in the car. Anyways, I realize I'm getting off topic.

As I was being miserable at home, Katherine decided to come all the way to my house in the blistering heat. I honestly had never felt more appreciated in my life. I'm sure she did it because she had nothing to do and figured it wasn't too much to do, but it meant a lot to me. It meant that someone cared that I was in a terrible mood, and actually wanted to see me. As stupid as it sounds, I was touched. I think that having such amazing friends is one of the reasons why I can be happy once in a while, despite how cynical I am. I don't really think I deserve the good company of others, but it feels great to know that some people don't mind seeing me. All right, I think I'm done now. This post is so scattered. I really need to find a job. Or another hobby. Or maybe a life.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

I absolutely adore hanging out in small groups of people. I went on a Taco Bell date with two very sexy betas and had a blast. I think I should start giving my stomach a break though. My fat is flowing over my jeans a bit more than usual. But besides stalking Abhi Cherukapali, taking fail shadow pictures, and petting random dogs, laughing hysterically over absolutely nothing was the best part of the night. I think that I'm just going to visit the Renaissance more often and be creepy all the time! I don't see what's wrong with that...

Also, I just got massively yelled at the parental units... They did not approve of me walking in at 2:35 for no apparent reason. I mean, I feel as though I'm not in the wrong since I said I was coming in late. Granted, it was a bit overkill, but I do get offended when my brother can come in any time he practically wants. Anyways, I couldn't really tell them that I was just in a car for the past two and a half hours just talking. I was actually right outside my house, having a very nice and relaxing conversation, but I doubt my parents would find that any better. So, what did I come up with in the two seconds they asked me? I spilled food. Yeah, it's as bad of an excuse as it sounds. I said I dropped the food I got from Taco Bell in the car and had to go to someone's house to clean it up. Surprisingly, everything is already spotless and there are no stains. I honestly don't know why I am terrible under pressure. The parental units are still fuming, claiming that I'm never going out with the car again, but that's just too unreasonable. I might have to come home at an early time starting now though. I wonder how Eric's parents reacted to his arrival time...

Regardless, I had a fun time laughing about the weirdest things. I found out that I'm not the only one who blames everyone but myself when I lose something. I assume that it just has to be someone else who took it, because I clearly would know where I lost it if I did. Also, it seems to be apparent that Kishan has very nice eyes... even to guys. Anyone else find that a weird comment to come out of a man's mouth? There are too many hilarious things to remember, but as of right now, my mind is blank. I need to stop writing these posts at three in the morning. But that would probably mean I would have to wake up before twelve, and that's just impossible. I bet if I go to Korea and get jet lag, my sleeping habits would actually be fixed. Now that's just sad.

The moral of the story: I've been having a ton of fun in the past two weeks of summer, and keeping myself busy while being surrounded by friends is a great thing to do. It turns out that I miss a lot of people, and that I still have more to see! And on a side note, the title refers to Sneha and her fairly inappropriate quote. Hahaha, I'm glad she still loves me, even with my impression of her laugh, which sounds like an elderly British woman chuckling. =)

I took out a few questions here or there, but by the suggestions of others (*cough* Beth*cough*), I decided to finally finish the questions I found online. I had a pretty fun time answering these actually. I realized that I have a lot more to find out about myself though. Hopefully someone who reads this also found out a bit about me!

If you could go on a road trip with any person (dead or alive), who would you choose and where would you go?Uhh, probably Lady Gaga. For one, I’d kinda like to see what she’s like normally, and plus I feel like I would be able to get into any place we came across if I was with her.

What is thecraziestthing you have ever done?Hahahahahaha… Well, if we’re going to be completely honest… probably phone sex at three in the morning.

What crazy fads were popular when you were a teenager?

Well, I am still a teenager, so I would say silly bandz, skinny jeans, American Apparel hoodies, and leggings.

If you could have 3 wishes granted, what would they be?

Money, fame, and happiness.If you HAD to change your name, what would you change it to?

I actually don’t really like the name Jennifer, especially since my name is spelled Jenifer, so I would either change my name to its proper form, or just forgo it altogether. I’ll take any suggestions. Does Tits McGee seem a bit too intense?

Namethree exotic countriesyou would like to visit

Guam (since it sounds cool), Peru, and Malaysia.

Which is the most funniest prank played on you or played by you?HAHAHA. I would say that going on cruise control while the person behind me has to pee is pretty hysterical… High-five Eric! ;)

List 1 thing you wish you could change about yourself: I realize now that there are a lot of things I want to change… but to start off it would be the ability to be liked by almost everybody.

Who would you turn to if you were in desperate need of help?

Well, it depends on what I need help with. I honestly can’t give a real answer for some reason.

If you could choose, how would you want to die?

Quietly, but quickly. I wouldn’t want to have time to think about what I should’ve done before I died. I want it to be unexpected.

If you could change the world what would you do? I would want to say end unhappiness, but then there would be no motivation in the world. I just want everyone to have the necessary tools to make something of themselves.

Name 1 thing you love about being an adult I’m not really that old, but I like… driving?

Which would you rather have, $50,000 or true love?

I don’t know if I believe in true love, but if there was someone who loved me in such a way, no amount of money could make up for it.

If you were one of two people left on this earth, and the other was of the same sex;would you go gay?

I actually wouldn’t really mind going gay, but I would have to believe that there is some sort of attraction for anything to ever happen. I think that love is blind and one doesn’t really get to choose who he/she falls in love with, so if I just so happened to fall in love with a woman, then that’s just how it would be. ALTHOUGH I would say that I am very much attracted to boys. Just saying.

Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

Oh my goodness, yes!! I would say that this is something I became a strong believer in just this year. At first, I would always think that there was no way. Why would there ever be a reason for natural disasters, for a child dying, for someone getting raped? But when I hear stories about how people have overcome such difficulty and have become better people out of it, I realize that everything is meant to happen. For me, it was in terms of colleges. I never really thought about going to Cornell. Ever since I was a Freshman, I wanted to go to UPenn or Princeton. Well, I now realize how hard getting into places like that is, but when I applied to Columbia early decision, it seemed that there was nowhere else I wanted to go. When I was rejected, I was crushed. I thought that I was a failure, and that I couldn’t get accepted anywhere else. I would be unhappy going anywhere else. Fast-forward to four months later, and I’ve been accepted into Cornell. I’m still hesitant about going. I know that my parents want me to go because it’s an Ivy League, but I remembered hating it when I went to go visit just three years beforehand. I then went on a college tour of both Boston College and Cornell to weigh my options. That was it. I fell in love with Cornell and I didn’t want to go anywhere else. I didn’t even think twice about Columbia. If I was given the choice now, I would honestly prefer going to Cornell over Columbia. So, at the time, I think that people might not understand why something happens, but it’s because there is something better waiting, and that one must take the opportunity and make the best of it.

And... that is it! I hope someone enjoyed that and I guess I'll have another blog post up sometime soon. On a side note, I've been getting into Texts from Last Night recently... and it turns out that (732) is one of the most active area codes. Coincidence?