Stroud Courier office supplies auctioned

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BY THE DEDICATED EDITOR

An auction was held in the union Tuesday afternoon for the equipment from the former “The Stroud Courier” office.

Following the release of the “Stroud Shenanigans” page last week, Vice-President for Student Affairs Dr. Doreen Tobin initiated the process to halt all publications by “The Stroud Courier.”

“The editorial board crossed the line,” said Tobin. “The attacks on President Marcia Welsh were unacceptable. She would never wear such unattractive footwear.”

Since Valentina Caval and Victoria Krukenkamp have yet to be released from the psychiatric facilities built on the second floor of the Innovation Center, the event was a peaceful celebration.

“It was bittersweet to watch all of our equipment be auctioned,” said News Editor Jamie Reese, “but I do feel better now that I don’t have to slave away as Editor-in-Chief for the next two years.”

Sports Editor Nick Granados looked upon the occasion as a joyous one.

“Good riddance,” said Granados. “Now someone else can try and get those computers to work.”

Granados has watched as 4 of the 9 computers in the office failed to operate—or be replaced—over the past two years.

The revenue from the auction was deposited directly into President Welsh’s personal account to help support her fetish for festive footwear.

“It’s sad to see the newspaper go,” said Dr. Fred Misurella, the paper’s faculty advisor, “But it was only a matter of time before it happened. We just don’t have the program at the university to support true journalistic endevours.”

This year’s Editor-in-Chief Valentina Caval has been obsessed with “The New York Times” since she was a toddler, but her academic success—or lack there of—didn’t hit it’s stride until the later years of her education.

This led to a constant redesign process of “The Stroud Courier” as she changed her mind about which major publication was her favorite to emulate each week.

“I love them all,” said Caval in a brief interview Tuesday. Caval became too upset to continue talking about newspapers, and her doctors recommended that she return to her room.

ESU Administrators are still designing plans for use of “The Stroud Courier” office, but most likely the space will be reassigned as a closet and dressing area for President Welsh’s frequent wardrobe changes.

“I look forward to having a place to keep all of my shoes,” said Welsh, “but not crocs! They are so last issue.”