Do You Have Low Penis Self-Esteem?

by Joshua Shoemake

Jan 20, 2015

If there’s one thing I’ve learned about guys during my years as a sex writer, it’s that they’re desperate to feel okay about their junk—and with nicknames like that, it’s no wonder. This is true regardless of what a guy is packing, from micro-members to skyscraper schlongs.

In fact, I once interviewed Jonah Falcon, the man with the world’s biggest penis, and found him living a secluded “asexual” lifestyle that he called “depressing.” You see? The grass is always greener… on the other side of the locker room.

Even men who aren’t worried about their size are often deeply concerned that their dicks are ugly or weird, smelly or bad-tasting. Guys with foreskin sometimes feel like freaks; guys without it wonder if sex would be better with it.

Then there are the aesthetic anxieties about scars, curving, coloring, freckles, warts, moles and pubic hair. Testicles come with their own Magnum-sized worries about sagging and unevenness.

This is all before sex even begins. Then you get your performance-related insecurities: “Is my dick hard enough?” “Did I last long enough” “Does my cum taste like crap?”

I don’t just see this in my reporting. Take the unsolicited dick pic phenomenon. Some of these virtual flashers simply get off on violating women’s consent—but I can’t help but think that others are engaging in a desperate and self-sabotaging plea for acceptance: “I’m just a dick pic, standing in front of a girl, asking her to love him.” (Oh right, you’re probably a dude and might not get that reference: Go watch Notting Hill and it will all—and I mean all of life—make sense.)

I have one thing to say about this rampant dick anxiety: Y’all are tripping so damn hard.

I don’t mean that to sound harsh. We’re all, men and women, made to feel bad about our genitals. That’s just how our sexually-repressed society rolls. We use the same word for the penis as we do an inconsiderate jerk, and “pussy” does double-duty describing either the vagina or a pathetic wimp of a human.

At the same time, we schizophrenically build up the almighty phallus as the defining symbol of manhood. We even call it one’s manhood. So it’s no surprise that men would have all this penis pathos.

But as a so-called sexpert, and a red-blooded heterosexual woman, I can tell you there is every reason to love your dick—and you’ll find some of the most important examples below. Consider it your idiot’s guide to “dickceptance.”

Vaginas are Only So Big

In that utterly American way, we tend to apply bigger-is-better thinking to a man’s erection—but the average vagina is only three to four inches deep. And the all-important G-spot is generally only two to three inches inside.

Size really doesn’t matter.

You have No Idea What an Average Dick Looks Like!

If you insist on disregarding what I have to say about the relative unimportance of size, consider that you probably don’t have an accurate picture of what an average dick looks like anyway.

Just think about it: If you’re straight, you typically only see other guys’ junk in porn and the locker room, right? Surely you already realize that X-rated stars do not have average-sized man parts. But here’s something you may not know about those seemingly gifted dudes who insist on letting their members air-dry at the gym: They might not be what they appear.

According to the Kinsey Institute, “In general, smaller flaccid penises lengthen at erection by a greater percentage than do larger flaccid penises, with most men reaching an average size of 5 to 7 inches, so the flaccid size of a penis is not a good predictor of erect size.”

Dicks Amell Great

Popular wisdom seems to be that penises are stinky. Sure, if you play a bunch of basketball and don’t shower for a week, it’s gonna have a nasty funk. But if you exercise basic hygiene, it’s not a problem. If anything, it might have the slight woodsy scent of a manly cologne. We women like manly cologne.

And Taste Good Too

Again, if you shower like a civilized human, there just isn’t any bad taste to speak of. Unless you plan on having a couple ribs removed so that you can try it for yourself, you’ll just have to take my word for it.

You Can Pee Anywhere, for Crying Out Loud

Clearly this isn’t sexy-times related—unless golden showers are your thing—but, man, I have been waiting to get this off my chest. YOU MEN GET TO URINATE ANYWHERE YOU WANT. Just whip out that pee tunnel and you’re good to go. In the woods, on the side of the road, in the snow. You’ll never have to know the misery of squatting to pee.

Foreskin is Awesome

Lots of guys think foreskin looks funny. What they’re failing to see is the beauty of the mechanics of the thing, and the way a woman will appreciate being able to effortlessly glide her hand over the head.

So is No-skin

A circumsized dick is like a present without the wrapping—it’s 100 percent immediate gratification. No woman will argue with that.

Penises are “Morning People”

Man, first thing every morning, without fail, your little guy pops right up out of bed like you never will. It’s inspiring, really. That dude has a real zest for life. In terms of role models for how to be in the world, it’s a toss up between the penis and the Dalai Lama.

Ejaculation is Awesome

I guess I don’t have to try too hard to convince you of this. I don’t just mean the awesomeness of the associated ecstasy, though. It’s also the dramatic visual display of pleasure. Nature’s fireworks, man! It makes ladies’ jaws drop in awe—and, OK, I’ll admit, a bit of jealousy. Now, some women do ejaculate, but it’s much less common, and more difficult to achieve. So count your blessings, penis-havers.

Your Wang is a Beautiful Thing

The delicate ridges and veins. The mind-bending smoothness, even when it’s hard. (I could write a 1,000-word ode to the beauty of the frenulum alone, you guys.) It all makes for a breathtaking sight—and any woman who’s any fun to have sex with will agree.