Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says that half of all followers of politicians on Twitter are fake. Although still none of them are as fake as the politicians they are following.

The Pentagon is moving more manpower around in Iraq to try to stop the advance of ISIS. To which George W. Bush offered his advice on how to take back Iraq, saying the only way to stop ISIS is to get back the amulet before she can recite her incantation of “O Mighty Isis!”

Pope Francis I has decided not to use the bulletproof Popemobile anymore. Although just to be safe he has all of his Mitres specially made out of Kevlar.

Pope Francis I told the super rich and bankers to find some ethics. But until then, he’ll forgive them as long as they continue to tithe the Church.

A 450 pound Florida man was arrested hiding drugs in the rolls of his fat. Unfortunately the police officers who made the discovery found out why it’s called “crack.”

The Transportation Department says it wants to regulate smartphone maps they say could distract drivers. Especially the ones who are lost in the first place because they are using their smartphone to text while they are driving.

A Chinese soccer fan reportedly died after staying awake two straight nights to watch the World Cup. Apparently he was so into the games that he slipped and was afraid of being red carded if he used his hands to break his fall.

A Chinese soccer fan reportedly died after staying awake two straight nights to watch the World Cup. Apparently he overdosed on caffeine from drinking two cases of energy drinks trying to stay awake after watching ten straight 1-0 matches.

A Chinese soccer fan reportedly died after staying awake two straight nights to watch the World Cup. Apparently his body just couldn’t take doing that right after he stayed up five straight days for his job in the Nike factory.

A study says that staring at computer screens changes eye secretions. Mostly when your wife catches you Facebooking another woman and the secretions become tears mixed in with some blood.

A report says that foreign holdings of U.S. debt have reached a record high of $6 Trillion. All we have to do now is trick them into picking up the other $11 Trillion and we are off the hook.

A 3 year old Mississippi girl was asked to leave a KFC when her injuries from a pit bull attack were said to upset other customers. Ironically she still looked better than most of the other customers you will usually find inside a Mississippi KFC.

Starbucks is offering a free college education to its employees. Who are all grateful for the chance to get the education they need to get a better job than working at Starbucks.

Starbucks is offering a free college education to its employees. Which is nice for its regular customers who spend less there each month than people who are paying off their college tuition loans.

Starbucks is offering a free college education to its employees. Although its workers will end up spending even more than their tuition for the Starbucks coffee they will need to keep them awake to go to school and work at the same time.

Pete Rose will take over as the manager of a minor league baseball team in Connecticut for one day. Or as that used to be called in the majors, working for George Steinbrenner.

Pete Rose will take over as the manager of a minor league baseball team in Connecticut for one day. Apparently the team’s owner says he was just inspired by the move to take a gamble.

Microsoft and four other tech giants are seeking to stop overseas spying by the U.S. government. Apparently the companies feel their tax dollars shouldn’t be going to help their own government compete against their ability to snoop on their customers.

Joe Biden is in Brazil to watch the World Cup. Apparently Brazil would only let him into the country when he would be drowned out by all the vuvuzelas.

The Supreme Court is allowing a challenge to an Ohio law that would ban lies from political campaigns. Apparently media outlets say that would pretty much take away half their revenue during election years.

The Supreme Court is allowing a challenge to an Ohio law that would ban lies from political campaigns. Although the law would be great news for all the mimes who would be hired to be campaign spokespersons.

A 10 year old North Carolina boy was hospitalized after nearly hanging himself accidentally on a basketball net. The good news is that he still didn’t choke as badly on the court as the Heat did against San Antonio.

Hackers stole data for 600,000 Dominos Pizza customers. They got away with it by cleaning out their accounts in less than 30 minutes.

A report says that four months after the GM recall only 7% of the cars with faulty ignition switches have been repaired. The other 93% will be fixed right after they are out of the body shop for crashing because of the faulty ignition switches.

“Jeopardy!” host Alex Trebek has set the world’s record for appearing on 6,829 episodes of the game show. He would have been honored sooner but penalized the people at Guinness for not phrasing his award in the form of a question.

GM is recalling another 3.2 Million cars made from 2000-2014 for faulty ignition switches. Auto industry experts were shocked. There are still 3.2 Million GM cars made in the past 14 years that are still on the road?

Expenses for GM recalls are expected to reach $700 Million in the second quarter. Or as GM investors call that, a “mini bailout.”

A study says that as many as one in ten doctors are addicted to alcohol or drugs. Apparently they are just trying to be able to have something in common with their best patients.

Alaska will start offering free pregnancy tests in bars in an attempt to curb fetal alcohol syndrome. If they would put breathalyzer tests in the bars, most the women in Alaska wouldn’t be getting pregnant in the first place.

A study says that boys are affected more by caffeine than girls. Especially the ones who need a boost to stay awake from not getting any sleep at night wondering why they can’t get a date.

A study is linking drug use with brain differences in teens. The only question is figuring out which bizarre behaviors in teens are from drug use and which are from just being a teenager?

A 6 year old Bolivian girl with bouts of uncontrollable laughter was found to be suffering from a brain tumor. Doctors knew there was something medically wrong when they found her actually laughing while watching a performance by Dane Cook.

A massive pool will be built into the East River in New York City. It’s for people who want the sensation they are swimming in the East River but are tired of having alter their course to avoid all the bodies floating by.

A study says that children of working moms to better in school than those whose moms stay at home. Mostly because the ones with stay at home moms have to be taught again at school the right way to do the math homework their mom helped them with.

A study says that sitting around can increase the risk of cancer by 66%. Mostly if the person is sitting in a fast food restaurant all day and a bar all night.

U.S. health care was rated last in the world in an international survey. Our health care system is so much in trouble it went right past Obamacare and straight into hospice.

A study says that human ancestors got herpes from chimpanzees. Although in their defense, the human ancestors say that they got them from only the best looking chimps.

Justin Bieber will reportedly have to face charges for throwing eggs at his neighbor’s house. This probably isn’t the street cred he was looking for when he decided to change his pop star image.

Justin Bieber will reportedly have to face charges for throwing eggs at his neighbor’s house. Someone needs to tell him the only charges that get dropped against celebrities are drunk driving and murder.

England will mint a five pound coin worth $135 for the first birthday of Prince George. Apparently the Royal Family wants to make sure they have the right denomination for when he gets his first visit from the Tooth Fairy.

Miss USA Nina Sanchez, who has been accused of moving to Nevada to win the state title couldn’t even name the state’s capital when asked on a radio show. Which is still better than the other 49 contestants who didn’t know Nevada is a state.

Miss USA Nina Sanchez, who has been accused of moving to Nevada to win the state title couldn’t even name the state’s capital when asked on a radio show. What was worse is that she thought the governor is Cliven Bundy.

Miss USA Nina Sanchez, who has been accused of moving to Nevada to win the state title couldn’t even name the state’s capital when asked on a radio show. Mostly because not many people are aware there are any other Nevada cities besides Las Vegas and Reno.

An Australian couple who were planning on honeymooning at the World Cup were accidentally sent by their travel agent to El Salvador. Anyone taking their bride to watch soccer after getting married is going to be spending the honeymoon not getting to use their hands anyway.

The Los Angeles Kings celebrated winning the Stanley Cup with a parade downtown. It was hoped that winning the Cup would elevate hockey’s status in L.A. to where a championship might cause people to at least start a minor brawl.

A witness at Ed O’Bannon’s trial says that college players are athletes first. And pretty much second, third and fourth.

A witness at Ed O’Bannon’s trial says that college players are athletes first. To which student athletes are saying “You mean there is a school here, too?”

Archaeologists have found a 1,000 year old artifact at an airport in Illinois. Apparently the researcher made the discovery after being handed a bag of peanuts on a Southwest Airlines flight.

The International Space Station will get its first espresso machine soon. Apparently the machine will be sent up by Starbucks which will charge astronauts enough money to cover the cost of the entire space program.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am happy to report I just earned my fifth gup in Karate, or the green belt with a blue stripe. It’s the halfway point towards a black belt. I someday hope to be able to break a board the way many of my readers have broken their computer monitors after reading my jokes. Although I know some of you would like to throw a jumping side kick my way, just go easy on me and instead just keep sending the love!