A Question for the Women

A friend of mine is going through the ‘twilight’ phases of a relatively short-term relationship, which is to say, the screaming, pyrotechnic part which is decidedly not some peaceful twilight in any respect other than that it is the end. Among other things, he doesn’t want to be dating the girl he is with any more because, despite their time together, he just doesn’t find her to be all that attractive. Of course, to her, his reasoning is more along the lines of ‘I don’t want to be in anything serious right now’ and ‘I have a drug problem and the feds are on to me,’ but we both know the real story.

The thing is: this seems to be how almost all relationships end. Not the long ones, where one member is called to serve in some foreign jungle and dies of dysentery, but not before learning that these savages really are just like us, despite their mud huts and strange languages. But most. Because, contrary to fairy tales, most ‘relationships’ last, I would say, about a month. It ends with a blatant lie about needing space or something. You know what ‘I need space’ means? It means ‘I need you to be far away so when I’m hooking up with that 17 year old Asian Goth chick, she doesn’t get creeped out.’ And while honesty might generally be a good policy, in the case of ending relationships, it decidedly is not, for one very good reason: no matter what you say, the girl is probably going to end up assuming that the reason is your fragile emotional state, anyway – so you may as well just play along.

Every single time one of my female friends is broken up with, they come to me (note: I have no idea why they do this. I am no more capable of providing emotional support than Kate Moss is of being a drug rehab sponsor) and invariably give some version of how the guy must not have been “ready to commit”, or some other fabrication. I’m curious why they do this to themselves. When a guy breaks up with you, it’s not because he’s ‘scared of what he’s feeling’ or because he ‘won’t let someone get close’ or because ‘his father was not a loving presence’ or ‘those seven months in a Fallujah torture factory screwed up his mind’ – it’s going to be, 9 times out of 10, because he believes he has a meaningful chance of being able to have sex with someone else.

I’m sure I’m generalizing a little bit here, but I promise – behind every breakup that seems random is a girl who is willing to do anal.

You know who is to blame, of course? The Media. Because for some reason, in the past twenty years, women started believing that they could be men. And the result is that, certain men (notably, David Hasselhof) said, ‘You know what? Fuck that noise. You want to mess with gender roles, let’s mess with gender roles.’ Then, these guys started waxing their chest and doing Yoga and talking about their feelings. And a lot of guys bought this. They said to themselves, ‘Hey, Hollywood Joe is having sex with a supermodel, and he has drawn on eyebrows! I bet if I did that, I could sleep with Christy Turlington and maybe Wynona Ryder would rescind that restraining order!’ And that’s where we arrived. Women believing men are sensitive.

So guys, the next time you want to break up with your booty call who mistakenly though sex meant something, be honest. You’re just kind of sick of her and want to find someone with a bigger rack. And girls, when they say this, take it at face value. It will save us all a lot of trouble.