2017 election results are in!

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Let me apologize again for our earlier error. We mistakenly reported that the Pirate Party had won 79 seats; what we meant to say was that the Pittsburgh Pirates won the ’79 World Series. We were looking up the results on our phone, and it isn’t Hebrew-enabled… Never mind.

Anyway, here are the confirmed results. In what is being called (by us right now) “a once-in-a-millennium revolution,” Prime Minister Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu is the stunning winner, as the right-wing parties have scored 42 seats. Remember how last time it was 44, and the time before that 43? Undoubtedly, this is the most significant event in human history since the earth cooled 2.5 billion years ago. (CORRECTION: Bibi’s likely haredi coalition partners are telling us that it was 5776 years ago.) Apparently, his slogan: “Third Intifadah, Fourth Gaza War, Fifth Term” truly resonated with voters.

Labor Leader Meirav Michaeli was stunned by the results, as her party received only 20 seats. In her concession speech, she said, “What? You didn’t want another journalist? But I’m the scion of an important family too! Don’t you think–” At this point, she was replaced by Eitan Cabel, who promised a new direction for Labor.

Within the right, Naftali Bennett was mystified as to why his party has shrunk to 5 seats. Some have criticized his choice to rename it the Jewish No Homo Party, but Bennett remains convinced that he will take over the Likud within 18 months.

Avigdor Lieberman has scored 8 seats, with his Red-handed Army initiative, committing him to bring to Knesset only politicians who are under ethics investigation. Of course, he faced some stiff opposition from Aryeh Makhloufeasance Deri’s Maranimum Security Party, which includes only convicted felons. Readers may recall that Ehud Olmert was granted early parole in order to run, in the famous Supreme Court ruling We Don’t Really Give a Flying F Anymore (And Before You Ask, Zoabi and Marzel Can Run Too).

BREAKING: Eitan Cabel has been replaced by Stav Shaffir.

The biggest surprise may be that the Righters’ Bloc cleared the electoral threshold. “We kept trying to forge alliances between the political right and the religious right,” said a spokesman, “but then we realized we needed the economic right, right-fielders, and right-hand men (and women. Just kidding, obviously no women).”

Meretz gained a seat, but leader Zehava Gal-On was heard to say: “We used to have 12! Forgive me, Mother Shulamit!” This statement was a bit muffled, as she had her head in an oven at the time. As the Israeli medical establishment has never had to treat a case of accountability, Deputy Minister of Health Yaakov Litzman has recommended she be transported abroad for treatment. As leader of United Torah Judaism, neither Litzman nor his followers will accept the title of minister, though they will take the office, car and money. It is unclear if Bibi’s tactic of making everyone else in the party chief rabbi is sufficient, as Satmar Hasidim cannot make do with only one. Bibi contacted the Shahidy Pines Retirement Home to see if Abu Mazen can offer Neturei Karta a Chief Rabbi of the Palestinian Authority position, but Abbas was too busy eating tapioca pudding to take his call.

BREAKING: Stav Shaffir has been replaced by Tzipi Livni, but no one knows if she’s still in the party. Her whereabouts remain unknown at press time. Also her whyabouts.

However, the greatest comeback of this election cycle must be that of Eli Yishai. Just last month, he won a primary for the polygamist slot in the Joint List, and he has already taken over the party by offering women chocolate bars for each room they clean for Eid al-Adha. When asked how she felt about his new wives, the first Mrs. Yishai had no comment, because she is invisible. Ousted leader Ayman Oudeh noted that like haredi women, Arab citizens of Israel “were used to being screwed by Jewish men.”

Undoubtedly, the true power lies in the brand-new centrist socio- economic party, filled with brilliant people who are political novices, led by former Likudnik Gideon Saar, Mistaarim. With his dozen seats, he plans to take over the Finance Ministry and “blah, blah, blah.” When his predecessor Moshe Kahlon was asked why he was still smiling after failing to pass the electoral threshold, he responded, “No, my face is stuck this way. Help.” Yesh Atid held on with four seats, and leader Yair Lapid lamented, “At least Kahlon gets to go home. What the hell am I supposed to do?” Then he remembered that he is still hot and rich, and started smiling as well.

BREAKING: Tzipi Livni has been replaced by Shimon Peres, but no one tell him, because he’s 93 and the shock might kill him.

But the question remains if Bibi can govern after some of the extreme statements he made in the last days of the campaign. He clarified that when he said “Blow the Dome of the Rock and rebuild the Temple,” he meant: “I know to take stock and restrain my temper.” As for his infamous “towelhead” comment, he explained: “That was taken totally out of context. I was talking about that scene in romantic comedies when the female lead comes out in a bathrobe and a towel wrapped elaborately on her head. I find it trite and cliched.” As for his statement to President Hillary Clinton that “America can suck a dick,” he elucidated, “I meant that one. But don’t get me wrong, America is still Israel’s greatest vassal–I mean, ally.”

When asked about the prospects of this government serving a full term, all 120 members of Knesset issued a rare joint statement: “You’ve gotta be f-cking kidding me.”

About the Author

Yoseif Bloch is a rabbi who has taught at Yeshivat HaKotel, Yeshivat Har Etzion and Yeshivat Shvilei Hatorah and served as a congregational rabbi in Canada. He currently works as an editor, translator and publisher. As a blogger and podcaster, he is known as Rabbi Joe in Jerusalem.