Entertainment writer

And so here we are back in Colin Fassnidge's Neverending Kitchen. Tonight, Angela sinks into the Swamp of Sadness, Matt is chased by a racing snail, and Ashlee finds herself in a life-or-death battle with the evil wolfbeast Gmork. Which is another way of saying; it's time for Comeback Kitchen, chapter 358 in a series of psychological experiments to test the boundaries of human endurance.

We begin on a mysterious street in Sydney, where Ashlee and Sophia show up to a mysterious address, mysteriously wondering why they have been mysteriously summoned there, and certainly not clearly knowing exactly what's happening because it is obvious to anyone with a higher IQ than a finger bun that they are being given a chance to get back in the competition. Kerrie and Craig also show up to pretend to be imbeciles, and Colin "as obnoxious as my hair makes me look" Fassnidge welcomes them to Comeback Kitchen.

And then the remaining Comeback teams emerge, and Ashlee and Sophia are disgusted to see Angela and Melina enter the room; and to be fair, finding out that Angela and Melina are still in the competition is a bit like discovering a rosebush growing in Antarctica.

Unimpressed: Colin Fassnidge.

Colin then explains that as usual, one team will be eliminated on the basis of their first dish, before the restaurant opens, because it's very important that the episode creates the impression of spanning several geological eras. Off they go to the kitchen, Kerrie crying, "Can you believe it? Another chance!" in an almost-passable impression of someone who is surprised. For a few minutes the contestants stand around looking dumb, before Colin informs them their time has already started and everyone gets to work. A quick cutaway to Angela allows her to waggle her hands and emit a series of incomprehensible grunts, just to show how heavily she's been drinking.

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The kitchen is all activity. Craig is busily reminiscing about the dish that reminds him of when he and Kerrie used to go out and he still retained some kind of will to live. Kerrie and Craig are cooking meat and vegetables, and also describing how to cook meat and vegetables, a clever tactic as it doubles the screen time consumed.

Mick is cooking venison, his Bambi fantasies coming to the fore under pressure, while Matt is diligently performing his usual function of looking sideways at Mick as if worried that he's suffering from advanced dementia. "We can't afford a mistake tonight mate," says Mick, clearly not having realised that Angela and Melina are in the kitchen and there's almost nothing they could do short of stabbing themselves in the face that would make them perform worse than those two.

Meanwhile Angela and Melina call each other "babe" and are immediately hit with a lawsuit by Ashlee and Sophia, who step up their own babe-frequency to prove that there is only one pair of babe-queens in this kitchen. Already the viewers are so close to breaking point that the ad for Mrs Brown's Boys Live that follows seems almost tempting.

Back in the kitchen, Colin is shouting the rules at them. Everyone replies "Yes chef", but surely this isn't necessary when all the chef is doing is explaining to them the same thing he explained to them five minutes ago? I feel like they're really demeaning the office of chef.

Anyway, Ashlee and Sophia are screaming "babe" across the kitchen at each other, which causes Angela and Melina to mock them, even though they've actually been doing the same thing. Kerrie and Craig go into a huddle with Mick and Matt to discuss the best way to murder the other four.

We are then subjected to a montage of various contestants lying about how their dish has to be "perfect". Not a single dish has been perfect this whole series, so it's pretty obvious that this is not the standard being aimed for.

Colin asks Angela and Melina what they're making. Melina explains that she is not de-boning her quail, because her nonna taught her that people enjoy eating tiny bones. She informs us that her family loves it this way, but she has failed to account for the fact that today she is cooking for someone with no emotional incentive to lie to her.

Elsewhere Ashlee calls Sophia babe twice and Sophia calls Ashlee babe once. Repeat. Sophia is filleting her fish, and taking her time because she wants to show the fish respect. Apparently Sophia applies different rules to fish than to human beings. Colin approaches to ask why Ashlee and Sophia have placed a chopping board on the floor. Sophia explains that she didn't know where the sink was. Colin indicates that maybe she could walk around the kitchen and find out. Sophia is incensed: walking was not part of the deal.

Meanwhile Kerrie has burnt her rhubarb jam, and Craig finally has some decent ammunition in the domestic war. This is a good time for Kerrie to explain to us for the fifth time that it's Comeback Kitchen and they're cooking for a chance to blah blah blah.

With 45 minutes to go, Mick and Matt are continuing to be boringly efficient, although Matt is feeling a little stressed as he wrestles with what he calls a "pastry", but looks more like a recently run-over wombat.

Sophia is finding the fish takes longer to fillet than she expected – the fish isn't showing her enough respect. Sophia boasts about how much technique she's showing, being under the impression that "technique" is fancy culinary jargon for "being really frigging slow". "Show respect to the produce and it pays off," she blathers as she begins to lose her mind. She begins sewing a tiny dress for the fish and books it two weeks' holiday in Bali.

Time is a problem for everyone, as Kerrie rushes to make a new batch of rhubarb jam and Matt struggles with his enormous brown tart. Mick suggests he make a smaller tart, and Matt is hit with inspiration: what if he made a smaller tart? Mick's genius has saved the day, but quickly dissipates as it is revealed he is pouring any random liquid he can find into the diane sauce.

Melina explains how to make a potato and zucchini fritter, as Angela slips into a coma beside her. Together, they attempt to make custard sound much more dramatic than it is.

We haven't heard Colin yell for a while, so he yells the rules of the challenge again, which is Sophia's cue to tell us the rules of the challenge, triggering Mick to explain the rules of the challenge to us.

Matt sticks his tart in the oven and starts to hyperventilate, while Melina starts making pea mash for some perverted reason. "We've gotta make this spectacular," Angela tells her, trying to repress her knowledge that they completely lack the ability to do so.

In other news, Ashlee and Sophia have developed OCD and are convinced that they can only postpone the coming of the Antichrist by opening and closing the oven door every five minutes. Mick objects to this, the proud father leaping to the defence of his son and his son's tart. Sophia declares that Mick is set to make her "lose the plot", although given the way the producers keep stretching things out, it might be good to lose the plot and let everyone improvise for a bit.

With ten minutes to go, Colin hopes they're using every minute they've got, rather than going down the obvious path of having a bit of a lie-down. Sophia has to make a sauce for the fish, babe. It's just butter and garlic, because anything more elaborate would be disrespectful.

Disaster has struck Angela and Melina, who once more are suffering the dreadful bad luck of being woefully incompetent. Their custard is far too runny. They will replace it with chocolate. Really original girls.

Meanwhile, Matt takes his tart out of the tin and Kerrie's puddings aren't ready, which might be a reference to her dessert or some kind of foreplay code that she and Craig use. With 10 seconds to go everyone is hurling sauce in all directions and pulling puddings out of ovens and smearing custard on plates and time is up and Ashlee and Sophia jump up and down and squeal as if merely spending 90 minutes in a kitchen without dying represents an achievement. Sophia is sure their dish looks better than everyone else's, but then she was complimented far too often as a child.

Kerrie and Craig are the first to be judged, and Colin meets their friendly smiles with the expression of a man who can remember the exact moment that life ceased to have any meaning for him. Mick and Matt are next, and Matt is almost in tears at the thought his tart filling may not have set: every young boy's nightmare. Then up come Ashlee and Sophia, who Colin knows well from his Jerks Anonymous meetings. Ashlee isn't feeling too safe, until she remembers that Angela and Melina are definitely hopeless. Melina is happy with the way she's cooked the quail, but it is likely that, as in every challenge they have participated so far, she is horribly mistaken.

Colin lines the teams up to deliver his judgment, but must first wait for the orchestra to finish their bloated flourish. He tells Kerrie and Craig he wanted more sauce on their meat, and their pudding was a disappointment liable to cause suicidal ideation. Mick and Matt served up good meat and a good tart, but Colin hates raspberry coulis, probably because it looks too much like happiness. Ashlee and Sophia's fish was cooked well, but Colin points out that people at restaurants don't want to eat a bowl of butter – a stunning revelation for the girls. Also their crumble wasn't crumbly enough – Colin likes his crumble so crumbly it could get a discount at an RSL. Finally to Angela and Melina, who have done a lot of things wrong because doing things wrong is their area of expertise.

And the team that's going home is ... Seven News Update. After screaming "WHY?" at the TV for a few minutes, we're back in the kitchen to hear the contestants explain how they'd prefer not to lose while they wait for Colin to finish his sentence ...

... and it's Kerrie and Craig. Kerrie has made that oldest of errors: too much rhubarb. They leave with hugs and the sad delusion that their children are proud of them.

And so the final three teams will compete to gain entry to the finals. The team that makes the least money will be automatically eliminated, while the team judged best by Colin, Pete and Manu will re-enter the main competition. Angela and Melina high-five each other in a comical display of dramatic irony. Sophia says she wants the other teams to bow down, because it's well-established that she sucks as a human being.

And so it is time to prepare to serve food to real people who are coming to a real restaurant expecting to get a really cheap meal. Mick is going to change his potatoes, which he considered too old-fashioned the first time, so he will sprinkle them with glitter and put a phat beat behind them.

"I'm cutting the apples now babe!" calls Ashlee, well aware that if she goes 15 seconds without saying something banal her heart will explode. Ashlee and Sophia have abandoned their butter sauce in favour of fish broth, which sounds absolutely revolting.

Angela and Melina are going back to basics, which I guess means they'll be mentioning their nonnas a lot.

Meanwhile Mick looks at Ashlee and Sophia and can't believe what he's seeing: a gigantic pile of unfilleted fish. It's like the basement of a fish serial killer, and Sophia's average rate of one fish filleted per week may leave them struggling to meet deadline.

Angela and Melina are spending their time pretending they're genuine Italians, causing Angela to say "bella" and Melina to pronounce "ragout" bizarrely.

Mick has entered a spud-peeling trance, blindly peeling potatoes in a frenzy as Joe Esposito's You're The Best plays, Mick finishing off his peeling session by crane-kicking Colin in the face.

In contrast to Mick's Myagi-esque confidence, Sophia is in tears over her inability to finish filleting the fish by Anzac Day. She explains that she is letting her emotions take over, which represents a shocking twist to viewers, who had no idea that she had any emotions.

It's been about 30 seconds since someone explained the rules of the challenge, so Angela does so. Colin approaches Sophia to tell her that he was told she was a fighter: but he actually misheard; he was told she is a "biter". Sophia continues to fillet the fish agonisingly slowly, and begins regretting showing it so much respect – the fish is now mocking her, and she hears snide fish laughter echoing in her demented ears.

Meanwhile Mick is really happy with the way Matt's going, and tonight the boy will not have to sleep in the yard. Elsewhere Melina is grilling quail and getting stressed over cannoli in a scene very reminiscent of the assassination of Bruno Tattaglia in The Godfather. Melina notes that they have been over-ambitious, though to be fair for Angela and Melina operating a microwave without losing a limb is over-ambitious. Angela tells Colin she has 75 more cannolis to make: Colin restrains his guffaws.

Ashlee and Sophia are feeling better because they're getting things done. Colin reminds them that they're supposed to be making a crumble: this comes as quite a surprise to them. Ashlee's only worry about the dessert is that the crumble cooks correctly: in some ways this seems like quite a major point.

Another major point is that Angela's cannolis aren't working. Colin screws up his face, as if his nostrils have just detected the stench of failure. It's possible Angela and Melina may have to just grind up the cannoli shells and serve them as mentally ill biscuits.

It's six o'clock and a whole army of people who are looking forward to not having to pay for their dinner floods into the kitchen. "We're testing so much more tonight than cooking skills," says Matt, but he's a bit confused, because actually they're not. For her part Sophia is disgusted by the thought of working alongside Angela and Melina, and briefly considers strangling them and making a run for it. But there's no time, because orders are coming in and Mick is so excited he drops his timer into a saucepan in what is probably a really distasteful metaphor. At this point Melina says "ragout" weirdly again, the pressure affecting her brain in unexpected ways.

An order comes in for Ashlee and Sophia's bream, and Colin drops the bombshell that could Change the Game Forever. "Her name's not Babe tonight," he barks, and suddenly Sophia's world comes crashing down around her. Her nervous system goes into severe spasms and she suffers catastrophic respiratory distress as she wonders how she can possibly go on if she's unable to call people Babe. Why not tell a nightingale not to sing?

Sophia takes a breather to explain the rules of the challenge for those who missed the last 20 explanations, and then explains how there is no way any other team can possibly win because that is what Satan promised when she signed the contract.

The teams are getting flustered as it becomes clear that Ashlee and Sophia don't understand how a kitchen works, which considering Angela and Melina already don't understand how food works, is a burden. Even Matt and Mick are feeling it, repeatedly forgetting to put food on plates.

A crisis erupts as Sophia is forced to throw some fish in the bin due to the fact that Sophia is incapable of cooking bream and talking to people at the same time. Her previously cordial, sisterly relationship with Melina is fraying at the edges.

As if by a miracle, the teams somehow begin to do their jobs properly, but it's at this moment that customers begin complaining that their meat is too pink, but given that they only have to pay whatever they want, I don't see they have grounds to bitch. To tell the truth they just seem greedy, given they're eating half their quails before sending them back, obviously hopeful of getting multiple quails for the price of ... well, none, really.

A quick break for an ad that gives away the result of tonight's show, and it's back to the kitchen, where everyone is moving in fast-motion and Pete and Manu have arrived, which means Ashlee and Sophia decide to stop cooking for anyone else and just cook for the judges because they are true professionals. "I just dunno what's going on here," sobs Mick, possibly referring to the girls' shenanigans, but also possibly just having a senior moment.

Pete and Manu receive their bream, and Sophia gets emotional at the thought of them eating her food. That's the thing about emotions: once you start having them you can tear up over anything, no matter how stupid. The fish seems like a success, and now it's time for Angela and Melina's quail, which makes Angela so nervous her heart is pounding "a million miles a second", her nerves having destroyed her ability to measure time. Lastly the venison, which Pete seems suspicious of: has it been sufficiently alkalised? Manu finds the venison cooked well, but can't put his finger on the sauce – luckily, because that's what a fork is for. Pete thinks that if anyone had reservations about eating venison, this would change their minds, his contempt for the sham ideals of animal liberationists dripping from every word.

Dessert time, and immediately Ashlee must do her crumble again. Matt yells that his tart will be five minutes. Mick berates him viciously. Orders for cannoli stream in, and Angela and Melina begin running out of cannoli, though it is not their fault, as they were born this way.

Colin announces it's the last order. The contestants cheer. "What are you cheering for?" snaps Colin, the concept of joy and celebration biting painfully into his icy heart.

Pete and Manu do not like the cannolis much because they have chocolate and lemon combined in them, a dead giveaway that they have been constructed by crazy drunken women. The crumble is better, but not crumbly enough: damn you Ashlee! Will you never learn the true meaning of crumble? Up comes Matt's chocolate tart, causing Manu to say "Ooh la la!" because he heard a French dude say that in a movie once. Pete and Manu adore the tart, and Matt has once again proven his credentials as the Prince of Tarts.

As the teams take a deep breath, Sophia ducks into the pantry to cry and talk painfully slowly to the camera. Elsewhere the customers are deciding how much to pay for their meals, and proving what a mob of cheapskate gits they are. Why anyone would worry about how good the food is escapes me, given the restaurant was filled with the sort of people who will offer $12 for venison without even blushing.

Back in the kitchen, everyone is relieved to have finished, and lining up to find out who will win: will it be Mick and Matt rewarded for their skill and hard work? Will it be Ashlee and Sophia rewarded for their lack of human decency and unjustified conceitedness? Or will it be Angela and Melina rewarded for their utter absence of ability?

Colin begins by telling Angela and Melina they did OK, to which Angela reacts by saying that they deserve to be back in Kitchen HQ because she's been smoking something. Colin tells Ashlee and Sophia they did very well and it becomes instantly clear that Angela and Melina have once again been foiled by the fact they're not as good as Ashlee and Sophia. Colin tells Mick and Matt that Manu loved their sauce (ooh la la!) and that the judges used a series of "words" to describe their dessert.

All the teams demonstrate their ignorance and illiteracy by referring to "kitchen haitch-cue".

The team that made the least amount of money is now announced, and it is ... Angela and Melina, who are extremely unlucky to get exactly what they deserved. "I think we've done an awesome job," says Angela drunkenly.

Now time to announce the actual winner, who will return to Kitchen HQ for a chance to lose again. Mick says he thinks they deserve to be back, although he doesn't want to sound like a bighead. Sophia, in contrast, is well aware that horse has bolted.

And the winner is ...

Mick and Matt!

A just reward for the plucky Tassie father-and-son Jerry Lewis impersonators. Angela and Melina are happy for them. The camera avoids panning to Ashlee and Sophia, because they are currently literally on fire, shattered by the fact that they won't be on TV anymore until they get their own late-night dating show. Melina then jumps on Mick in a lather of erotic desire, and Comeback Kitchen is finally over, after what by my calculations has been 15 glorious months of culinary drama.

Tomorrow it's back to Kitchen HQ, where Jake and Elle will attempt to create new life in a test tube using only pineapple juice and cherries.

63 comments so far

The Asian girls were NOT "literally on fire". I'm so over the over use of the word "literally". Learn what it means! You go on about "haitch-cue" when "literally on fire" is an even worse faux pas! Personally I am thrilled I won't have to listen to "babe, babe" again!

Commenter

PerthGirl

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April 22, 2013, 12:40AM

Chill out babe

Commenter

Sydney

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April 22, 2013, 2:09AM

PerthGirl, maybe you didn't see the show, but they were literally on fire. At the end all that was left was their shoes.

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Ben Pobjie

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April 22, 2013, 7:23AM

It was 'surreal'.

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baulko

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April 22, 2013, 8:05AM

There hasn't been enough spontaneous combustion on tv lately. I am sorry I missed this one Ben, however your recaps are elucidating and a great start to the morning, spot on comedy.

Commenter

SJ

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Date and time

April 22, 2013, 10:06AM

This article is too long and I lost interest after the first paragraph.

Did anyone however notice that they gave it away who is going to win by showing the Tassie boys compete in the grand finals in one of the promos half way into yesterdays episode?

Whats wrong with these idiots at the MKR production?

Commenter

MKR fan

Location

Sydney

Date and time

April 22, 2013, 10:55AM

A faux pas is a socially awkward or tactless act, especially one that violates accepted social norms, standard customs, or the rules of etiquette.

Where's the faux-pas??? I literally cant see one ... did it self immolate too??

Commenter

GMan11

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April 22, 2013, 11:37AM

It's called humour

Commenter

pb

Location

sydney

Date and time

April 22, 2013, 12:10PM

so Perthgirl you got all the way to the end of the article and then took the phrase "they were literally on fire" literally. well done.

Commenter

atombomb

Location

Date and time

April 22, 2013, 2:48PM

Brilliant article, it's like I was watching it on tv!! Well done to the writers of this article and the Tassie Boys!!!

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