The wife left a note on the TV today saying "Its not working, I'm leaving"
I plugged it in, turned it on, nothing wrong with it stupid cow!

...............................

A lesbian kisses a woman, and the woman says “Stop!, I’m straight!”
Lesbian replies “So is spaghetti until it gets wet”

...............................

I bought an off-road vehicle in a blind auction..
Got it delivered and it was a canoe.

...............................

I went to Cash Converters today trying to raise some much needed cash for Christmas.
They gave me £3200 and they never even took the gun...

...............................

During a recent audit by a company, it was found that an employee was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacreme nto"
When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said "Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and contain one capital."

...............................

I've just discovered this amazing technique where you can get cashback from stores without using your bank card!

It's called armed robbery.

...............................

A guy is at work when he hears a voice in his head.
Quit your job. Sell your house. Take the money, and go to Las Vegas.
He ignores the voice, but it keeps coming back.
Quit your job. Sell your house. Take the money, and go to Las Vegas.
Months go by, and the voice won't stop.
Quit your job. Sell your house. Take the money, and go to Las Vegas.
Finally the guy can't take it anymore. He quits his job. He sells his house. He takes all the money and buys a plane ticket to Las Vegas.
The second the plane touches down, he hears the voice in his head:
Go to a casino.
He goes to a casino.
Find the roulette table.
He finds the roulette table.
Put everything on 17 Black.
He puts everything on 17 Black. The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up Red 36. The voice in his head says:
Fuck!

...............................

"Do you remember that row twenty years ago when we sat down and wrote down each others faults?" I said to my wife.

"Oh God yes, I still have mine somewhere, " she said with a giggle.
"I've finished, " I replied.

NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:
Please be advised that all employees planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
Benches, stools and orthopedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night.
While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that prior to shining his/her glory all around s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.
Following last year’s well publicised case, everyone is advised that EC legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.
While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practised in various parts of the world, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act. Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may initiate allergic reactions.
Finally, in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.
Compliance of these guidelines is advised in order for you to fully participate with the festive spirit.
thxs
Risk Management Team....

..............................

Dear Santa..

Last year you got me a Sweater for Christmas.

*

This year I would prefer a Moaner or a Screamer.

.............................

My missus crashed her car into some guy last night. She told the police the guy had been on his mobile and drinking a beer from a can at the time.
The police said he was entitled to do what he wanted in his own conservatory...

.............................

I said to my wife, "Hey babe, I'm at the hospital, I cut off my finger."
"Oh no, the whole finger?" she asked.
"No, no..." I replied, "the one next to it.".

.............................

Catholic girl goes into confession and says to the priest, "l'm pregnant." He asks, "How did this happen, my child?" She says, "I think it must be the second coming".
The priest, shocked by this reply asks. "What makes you think it was the second coming?"
She replies "because I swallowed the first!"

.............................

A blonde takes her car to a mechanic. he says 'nothing to worry about, just shit in the air filter'.
She says 'Brilliant, so how many times a day do i do that?'..

.............................

A man and a woman are sitting at the bar one night, drinking their problems away. After a time, the man decides to ask the woman, "What's the matter, you seem really down?" The woman responds, "Well, it's just that my husband left me." The man looked surprised as the woman was quite attractive and asked "Why would he leave you?" The woman replied, "He said I was too kinky in the bedroom." Immediately the man's eyes lit up in shock at her answer. "My wife actually just left me for the same reason," he told her, and it was the truth. The two of them get to talking and eventually she invites the man to her home. They enter her bedroom, and the woman instructs the man to take a seat on the bed, that she is going to 'get ready' in the other room. The woman proceeds to attire herself in a leather corset, complete with whip, chains, and ballgag. She heads to the pantry and grabs a bottle of whipped cream and some Tabasco sauce. The woman then reenters the bedroom to see the man putting on his coat about to walk out the door. The woman exclaims, "What's the matter? I thought you were kinky!" to which the man replied, "Lady, I just fucked your dog and shit in your purse, I'm done here."

..................................

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms. (Remember, the Pope is German.)
'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!' 'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'A senator?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

What have David Beckham and Ferrero Rocher got in common?
They both come in a posh box.

...........................

Just seen that there's a nudist convention on in town next week...
Might go if I've got nothing on.

...........................

The wife got out of the bath & said with a wink "I've just shaved my fanny you know what that means?"
Yes I replied the plughole is blocked

...........................

My wife has always been a trend setter.
She does the mannequin challenge during sex.

...........................

A recent survey indicates that the Smartphone is now the number one hand held device.
The penis has slipped down to second spot.

...........................

Heard about the dyslexic drug dealer?
Tried selling me an 'F'

...........................

My girlfriend just came down the stairs dressed as Lara Croft & said to me "Alright Brad?"
The stupid cow thinks its the season to be Jolie

...........................

ARE YOU..... Struggling financially?
ARE YOUR..... Credit card bills becoming unmanageable?
DO YOU..... Dread the phone ringing?
Well it serves you fuckin right for getting married!!.

...........................

Does Santa really live in the North Pole?...
He wears red and white,can get into locked houses,has loads of untraceable electrical goods,drives an unlicensced vehicle,only works one day a year...
North Pole my arse,he's a fuckin scouser!!

...........................

God created Adam and said, "I have given you everything you could ever want. Is there anything else you would like?"
Adam replied, "I would like a sandwich,"
to which God then created Eve.

...........................

Irish animal rights protesters broke into a Turkey farm outside Dublin last night, they escaped with
5,000 Turkeys... a spokesman for the gang said "We will be releasing the birds back into the wild, just as soon as they have been defrosted.

............................

I just read "100 things to do before you die" and I was quite surprised to see that 'shout for help' wasn't in there!

What's the difference between a sewing machine and a girl jogging?
A sewing machine only has one bobbin.

...........................

Just got a job working in a full size cuckoo clock.
It's not great, but it gets me out the house.

...........................

Had a fight with an erection this morning.

I beat it single handedly!

...........................

I hate people who think it's clever to take drugs..
Like Customs Officers.

...........................

I've bought my wife a new bag and a new belt for her Christmas. She'll be made up!
The vacuum cleaner's as good as new.

...........................

My mate said, "Do you think there's life after death?"..
I said, "Yeah, lt's called divorce!"

...........................

My doctor told me that I had 9 months to live today.
So I did what any normal person would do, and went to DFS to get my self a free sofa.

...........................

After my wife died of a heart attack I didn't want to settle down again straight away. I wanted to have some fun first. So I went online to find a young girl with big tits that I could have casual sex with.
Needless to say, my in laws weren't impressed. They thought I should have called an ambulance first.

...........................

I'm going to miss my father this Christmas, but I know he'll be up there, looking down at us all.

Moaning about the broken stair lift.

...........................

Tuned in to women's volleyball and within four minutes there was a wrist injury...
Don't worry, I'll be fine.

Advent calendars are losing their popularity.
I think their days are numbered.

............................

Ordered some Christmas presents online the other day and used my donor card instead of my debit card.
Cost me an arm and a leg.

............................

A_C_H_L

Sometimes alcohol is the answer.

............................

Need your advice! Been offered 8 legs of venison for £40.
Is that two dear?

............................

Changed my WIFI name to "Police Surveillance Van #4"
Just to fuck with the crack dealer next door....

............................

I just deleted my twitter account, I don`t want to sound paranoid, but I think people were following me !!

............................

Just been on the Weightwatchers website and it asked me if I accept cookies.
Is that a trick question?

............................

I had to slap some fat old twat in Debenhams yesterday.

The prick only called my wife a "Ho" not once, but three fucking times!

............................

A London banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office
to show it off to his colleagues.

As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and rips off the car door, zooming off without stopping.

More than a little distraught, the banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche! My beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. 'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody bankers are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realize that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'
The Londoner looks down in horror. ‘Oh F***!' he screams... Where's my Rolex?

..........................

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"
After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your, um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

............................

Someone asked me, "and now that you are retired, do you still have a job?"

I replied, "Yes I am my wife's sexual adviser."

"Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her
life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring
a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor
was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a
prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are
birth control pills?" "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I
assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you
sleep!" She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes,
dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the
glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe
me it definitely helps me sleep at night." You gotta love Grandmas!
>>
>> A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous
woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take
it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to
this nice man next to us." Five minutes later the baby was still not
feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice
man here." A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid.
Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"
>>
>> Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The
question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to
think of seven advantages. He wrote: 1) It is perfect formula for the
child.
>> 2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
>> 3) It is always the right temperature.
>> 4) It is inexpensive.
>> 5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
>> 6) It is always available as needed.
>> And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the
bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
>> 7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the
ground where the cat can't get it. He got an A.
>>
>> This is the best
one!!!!!!!!!
>> An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his
bedside. "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome
plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really
don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You
lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a
beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos.
Then one-a day you gonna comea home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with
another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times
up!' "
>>
>> A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was
raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mom," said
the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their
husbands to get off work," she replied. The taxi driver turns around and
says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy!
They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he
says, "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers
"Yes." After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies,
what happens to them?" She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."
>>
>> An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female
neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle
a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously
and lived to the age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren,
21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole
where the crematorium used to be.

When I was just a little girl,..I asked my mother: "What will I be?
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?"..Here's what she said to me:
"You're a boy, you daft bastard... Now get out of your sister's clothes and get the fuck off to bed..!

...........................

My boss said to me "Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages"?
I said "It's because I'm allergic to peanuts".

...........................

I told my wife that when I die
I'm leaving everything to her
She said you do that now
You lazy bastard...

...........................

I tried one of those goal celebrations today, where you run like hell and then slide on your knees.
However, I didn't anticipate the shiny floor and I smashed straight into the trestles supporting the wife's coffin!

...........................

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I
could hear heavy breathing again.

...........................

There's a fellow who is a golf fanatic.

Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time.

He gets up early and eager, golf all day long, 36 holes sometimes.

Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet and goes to his car to drive to the course.

Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

He returns to the garage.

He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel.

He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."

To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in that weather?"

............................

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He check the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

I'm really overdrawn at the bank and they keep phoning me and leaving voicemails.
I wish they'd just leave me a loan.

...........................

Bored? Broke?
Do you find yourself with over 35 spare hours to fill every week?
Would you like to earn hundreds of pounds every month?
Then get a fucking job like the rest of us, you lazy bastard!!..

..........................

Yesterday morning I bought two cases of beer on sale at the Beer Store.
I placed them on the front seat and headed back home.
I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.
Although it was very cold she was wearing a very short skirt and a light jacket which was wide open.
She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.
With her bra-less breasts almost falling out her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice,
"I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"
I thought for a few seconds and asked, .... "What kind of beer 'ya got?.

................................

A lady in front of me at mothercare today with 6 kids was buying a baby gate,i said you should try putting that on your fanny love!!.

................................

I was stopped in the street by a lady doing a survey.
She asked me how I rated myself in bed.
I said that I've never heard anyone moan.
So she put me down as 'poor!!.

................................

Every Christmas I'd come running downstairs to the big pile of presents and start unwrapping them as fast as I could. Sometimes there would be fights over who had the best toys but we would all make up later and sit down to have a three hour lunch before watching TV for the rest of the day.
I really miss working at the Royal Mail sorting office.

................................

Sad news... the managing director of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia while trekking across the Antarctic.
Paramedics said he could have done with another coat..

................................

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Santa's smoking weed
Mrs. Claus is on the floor
She's overdosed on speed
Blitzen's fucked the elves are too
They're tripping off their heads
And if Rudolph snorts another line
The twat will end up dead

................................

During my wife's labour, the nurse came up to us and said, "How about Epidural Anaesthesia?"
I said, "Thanks, but we've already picked a name."

My girlfriend hates it when I make jokes about her weight.
She needs to lighten up.

.........................

What do female reindeers do when they want to have some fun?
They go into town and blow a few bucks.

.........................

Why does Santa go down the chimney?
Because Mrs Claus told him he'd never get in the back door.

.........................

When I was a kid
adults would use swear words then apologise by saying 'excuse my French'
well I remember well my first day at school when the teacher asked "does anyone know any French"

........................

A couple of Jehovah's witnesses just knocked on my door.

I asked, "Is it true you people don't believe in blood transfusions?"

One if them said "That's correct sir."

I said "That's a shame."

The other one said "Why do you say that?"

I said, "Because if you bang on my door again at 8.30am on a Sunday morning you're both going to need one."

...........................

I was on a disabilities awareness course and the instructor asked me,
"You see an intending passenger at a bus stop with a white cane with red rings around it, what do you do?"
"Well," I answered, "I would pull up, speak very slowly and clearly, give him time as he will be a lot slower than everyone else, and try not to make his disability obvious to other passengers. "
"Which is? " asked the instructor,
"He's a Manchester United fan, " I replied.

We're having a Brexit themed Christmas dinner this year...
No Brussels.

........................

I used to live in a tyre, but it got a puncture.
Now I just live in a flat.

........................

My high school bully still takes my lunch money.
But on the upside, he makes great Subway sandwiches!

........................

My car broke down outside Domino's last night.

So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift off the delivery driver.

.........................

My wife said to me,"What the hell are you doing?"

I said,"I'm doing that thing where you fart into a container before putting the lid on,it's a laugh."

She said,"Fucking get out of my Mother's coffin."

.........................

I got thrown out of McDonalds this morning.
The girl serving me was an absolute stunner and she told me she could make it large for 30p.
I replied that she already had, but could she finish me off for a pound.!!

.........................

THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY

My tyre was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tyre...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. A local volunteer calls to solicite his donation, saying "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you do not give one penny to charity Wouldn't you like to give back to your community through The United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: "First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh, no."
"Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off.
"Thirdly, that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident," the lawyers voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says simply, "I had no idea."
The lawyer then says, "...and if I don't give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?"

........................

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.

Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,
"Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one more time?"

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife shoulder, and asks,
"Honey, please...just one more time before I die."

She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.

The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses.

"Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..."

At this point the wife sits up and says,
"Listen, I have to get up in the morning.
YOU DON’T?!

I was in the pub last night
and this girl said to me, "Would you like a drink?"
I said, "You're a bit forward aren't you?"
She said, "Fuck off, I'm the barmaid!"

.............................

I asked this hot girl at my gym what her new years resolution was.
She said "FUCK YOU!!".
So I am pretty excited about 2017...

.............................

My wife has just asked me if I want to go upstairs with her and she'll put on a Black Lace number for me

*

*
.
I said "No thanks, I fucking hate Agadoo"...

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Just got myself a 6ft 3 girlfriend. We haven't had sex yet but i'm looking forward to our 1st time. Apparently ,she has a very small fanny cos everywhere we go I hear men say "here comes that gorgeous bird with the little cunt"!l

I had sex with a hooker last night.
I must have been pissed. I cant even remember going into the rugby club..

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I've just starting managing a disabled tribute act to the pop group 'Steps.'

They're called 'Ramps.'

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An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.

A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.

I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."

"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him.

"You 'DO' her again."

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A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

“House” for instance, is feminine: “la casa.”

“Pencil,” however, is masculine: “el lapiz.”

A student asked, “What gender is “computer?”

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men’s group decided that “computer” should definitely be of the feminine gender (“la computadora”), because:

1 No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (“el computador”), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife ! "

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night ."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said , "Here's to spending the rest of me life , sitting in church beside me wife ."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day , Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep ".

My wife was trying to be sexy last night.
She lay on the bed licking a lollipop then she slowly started to slide it in her fanny.
"Steady on love" I said "You're going to need that when you cross the kids over the road for school in the morning.

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There's a fantastic new sex position called the "ParcelForce"...
You can stay in all fucking day and nobody comes!!..

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I have just sent my son (Who lives in Australia) 3 socks.
His wife told me he has grown another foot since hes been there.

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Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the forest when all of a sudden the Big Bad Wolf jumped out and said "Take your blouse off so I can suck your tits!".
Red Riding Hood pulls down her knickers lies down and says "Eat me like it says in the book!!"

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Quasimodo walks into a bar, strolls straight up to the barman and says "I"ll have a whiskey please."
The barman says "Bells alright?"
Quasi replies "Mind your own fucking business."

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I seen a facebook status today that said "I'm jobless and totally unemployable"
But they'd spelt it "jus sitin down wit a cupa to watch jezza kyle"

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I took a sneaky look at my girlfriends Internet browsing history. I was shocked to see her last search was, 'how to enjoy sex with a boring guy and a small penis.'
I fucking hope she's cheating on me !!!.

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Found a note stuck on my door from my saucy neighbour last night, saying "I want you to come round tonight and fuck me stupid", but she can piss off. Nobody calls me names then asks for a favour.

"Get your Christmas shopping done early to avoid the rush"
I did mine a whole 12 months early and the shops were as busy as ever.

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New regulations say Santa's helpers must wear a seatbelt at all times when they're on the sleigh.
It's elfin safety gone mad.

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My towns Xmas lights used energy-saving bulbs for the first time this year After the big switch on, we only had to wait 2 hours to see them.

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Bought the wife some Meatloaf knickers for Xmas. The front says "I will do anything for love".
On the rear it says "But I won't do that!"

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My missus came home with a vibrator, started waving it about and screamed, "I don't need you now!"
Guess who had to put the batteries in!

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I can't believe how strong the wind was last night.....
I only went out for milk and got blown right into the pub!

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Apparently it's impossible to eat 4 dry crackers in one minute.

Always up for the challenge I gave it a go.

I managed three and then choked on a plastic moustache.

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An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam.? I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady.

"I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

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Dave rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While there, a very attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

Dave smiles at the young woman and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor Dave breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..."

He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off.

Now completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

The flustered and embarrassed Dave stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, its got to be your ears!"

Astounded, she replies, "My ears? Why my ears? Look at these twins! They are full, don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My buns - they are firm and don't sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"

Clearing his throat once again, Dave stammers, "Outside when you said you heard someone coming? . . . That was me."

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So this Israeli is out picking up chicks in Tel Aviv.

While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather Nordic looking blonde woman.

So they go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. Proud of his rugged background and years in the IDF, he forces himself to last as long as possible.

He finally finishes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, "So ... you finish?"

After a slight pause she replies, "No."

Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first time ... and this time completing the deed with even louder shouts.

Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, "So ... you finish?"

And again, after a short pause, she simply says "No."

Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette, and mounts his "companion du jour."

This time, with all the strength he could muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after quite some time and energy is spent.

Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette ... lights it again, and then asks, "So ... you finish?"

To which her pleasured reply is, "No. I'm Swedish."

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Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store.

At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf as she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer.

When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot?

Joe Bob replied "That's silver and it costs $100!"

"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed.

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Joe Bob went to the back room to find a hinge.

From the back room, Joe Bob yelled, "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

To which Mary Louise replied "No, but I will for the teapot."

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This big old busty old slapper got on my bus today and showed me her pass,
"Sorry love, your pass is out of date, " I said.
"Oh dear, " she said, "can I get on with these? "she asked as she flashed me her large saggy tits.
"Sorry love, "I answered, "those are out of date as well. "

Woman: Do you love me?
Man: Yes, dear.
Woman: Would you die for me?
Man: No... mine is an undying love.

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Relationships are like fat people.
Most of them don't work out!

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Oh my god, there's 364 days to bloody Christmas.
Some people have got their bloody decorations up already!

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"Well, thank god that's over for another year"...

Said the wife, as I rolled off the top of her!

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A woman was being shown around the local hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! ...... Why is he doing that?" The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
"Oh well... in that case, I guess it's okay" said the woman..
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! Now tell me how that can be justified?"
The doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness, but he’s with BUPA."

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You Can’t spell ADVERTISEMENTS without semen between the tits!.

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To all the people I gave a book for Christmas, they're due back at the library next Monday!.

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My wife is so naive.
I just told her that the reason it's called Boxing Day is that us men don't have to come home from the pub until we've had twelve rounds.

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Guy walks into the local Benefits office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing benefits. I'd really rather have a job."

The worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.
You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.
You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is £200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're having a laugh, Mate!"

The worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

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An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.

The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'

George replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off.'

'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the Doctor calls George's wife. 'Ethel,' he says, 'George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! The light goes off?'

I'll do algebra, I'll put up with calculus. I'll even push through trigonometry. But graphing is where I draw the line.

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Help!
.
I have food stuck in my throat!
.
Ha Ha Ha, just choking.

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I went for a job interview last week and the interviewer asked, "How would your previous employer describe you in one word?"
I looked at her and replied, "unemployed."..

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The awkward moment when you try to hide your erection by tucking the tip in your sock...

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I saw Katie Price give a couple of pence to charity earlier.

"Why so little?" I asked.

She said, "It's the only way I can get someone to say tight cunt to me nowadays."

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A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there the Wife passed away.

The undertaker told the Husband. "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150 ? "

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here and three days later, he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

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"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The wife asked me to get her "bath stuff" for Christmas.
She wasn't impressed when she unwrapped a toaster.

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If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it.....
He's gay, definitely gay.

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So my girlfriend told me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter.
Well I've got some news for her!

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My new years resolution is to stop using aerosol deodorants...
Roll on 2017!

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I WAS DELIGHTED when the debt company I owe money to said they were going to send some bay leaves round to my house. They're absolutely my favourite herb, so I borrowed a few quid and knocked up a chicken biryani, ready to eat with them. Imagine my shock therefore when two fat skinhead thugs in suits turned up on my doorstep and walked off with my cooker. Bastards!

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Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.

The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, the demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

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Sam had been a soldier at war for more than three years, during which he had been in many battles and won many decorations.

He was finally discharged from service and returned home to a wife and son, whom he hadn't seen in almost four years.

As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him and yelled, "Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he's got a Purple Heart on!"

Turning around to see her husband for the first time in years she replied, "at this point, I don't give a damn what color it is! Let him in, and you go play at the Jones' for a couple hours."

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The blonde missus phoned me and said I think I'm going to be late.
"why" I asked?
well she said I've been trying to buy a train ticket online for over an hour now and I'm getting pissed off. It keeps asking me, Where do you want to go? So I click on the icon that says Home, and then it makes me start again!!.

If you see someone doing a crossword today, lean over and say 7up is lemonade.

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Never have a tactical wank before sex!
Trust me; I learnt that the soft way.

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Do three dyslexics make a riot?

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I was awakened with a blow job this morning.
I need to start sleeping with my mouth closed.

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One good thing about getting older is that the multi tasking becomes much easier.
You can sneeze, pee & shit yourself all at the same time!

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I'm opening a gym and calling it 'Resolutions'.
It will have exercise equipment for two weeks and then I'll turn it into a bar for the rest of the year......

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After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Canadian scientists found
Traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that
Their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American
Archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:
"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their
Ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians".

One week later, the British authorities reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in North Yorkshire, Jack Arkwright, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f*** all.
Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."

Just makes you bloody proud to be British, don't it!...

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I was on a Date with a Woman I met on Facebook.

I said, "I like Honesty, and I can tell you're an Honest Girl."

"Really"..?? she asked. "Seriously.. How can you tell"..???

I said, "You're the first girl I've been out with that actually looks like their Profile Photo."

She said, "That's a picture of Spongebob Squarepants, you cheeky prick."

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I speak to the wife a lot more these days since she's got a new job.

She's a barmaid.

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An old lady in front of me dropped a £20 note.
I picked it up and thought 'What would Jesus do?'
So I turned it into wine.

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard.
A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from
God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in Fellowship, feasting on God's Holy Word, and praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.
The rabbi looks up and says, "You fellows don't even know what trouble is until you try to circumcise a bear."