Tuesday, February 5, 2013

IN MEMORIAM: ARPAD MIKLOS

If you haven't already heard the sad news, "Colby Crush" and fellow costar Arpad Miklos committed suicide this Saturday. Arpad was 45. Director Kristen Bjorn discovered Miklos in Hungary where he worked as a chemist. Arpad's talents as an aggressive well-endowed top quickly earned him superstar status.

I didn't know Arpad well, but worked with him on several different memorable scenes. He was an incredible performer-- dedicated and professional. Off screen, his sense of humor kept cast and crew continually entertained. My fondest memory involves his unusual appreciation of German hand cheese, or Handkäse. I made the mistake of buying a block at a local farmer's market while on location with Ray Dragon. While I'm an adventurous eater, the waxy ball of translucent cheese had the faint aroma (and strong taste) of iodine soaked bandages. I took one bite and nearly threw the whole chunk straight in the trash can. A delicacy of his native Hungary, Arpad greeted the uneaten ball of cheese with enthusiasm and graciously offered to take the whole batch off my hands. I watched in amazement as he sliced two huge chunks from the ball and immediately scarfed them down, pocketing the rest.

While I don't pretend to fully know the rationale behind his decision, I can say that I've struggled myself with depression and suicide. Like any physically-demanding, socially-vexed form of labor, sex work isn't easy work-- not least because of the stigma and meager income. You give a lot of yourself for what can seem like very little in return. It can take its toll emotionally. The naked body is a vulnerable body after-all. We should remember to celebrate Arpad, the sexy man behind the scenes and in front of the camera who gave so much of himself for our desire, and not condemn a choice privately considered and personally significant enough to result in such extreme measures.

101 comments:

Colby, thanks for sharing the story and also your own issues with this and depression. You continue to not only be one of the most handsome men in porn, but one that I also respect not only for your humor but your insight as well.

Such sad news! I hope everyone struggling with depression can cling to the FACT that our feelings of being unloved or unnecessary in the lives of others are NOT reflections of objective reality, our value and place in the world. Those feelings are often chemically based, are often because we've internalized the hurtful behavior of others and accepted their negativity towards us. Perhaps most often of all, our suicidal thoughts are the result of our own egos running amok, where no amount of love and support will ever gratify it's appetite.

When the darkness gets to be too much, take a walk, get some sun, some air, some exercise. Do something that makes you smile, even a little, and change your focus from what is wrong with your life and world to those things that are right, good.

I am huge fan of Mr.Miklos and had the opportunity to sit next to him on a long flight. He was funny, gracious, and very sweet. Colby, you could not have writen a nicer piece for Peter. I was sadly shocked today when I read the news. Peace be with you, kind, beautiful man.

thanks for your posting of this unfortunate news, suicide says nothing bad about those who commit it, only that the world we live in, and our own lives, are ready for some improvement, to make a world where we hopefully lose less people to violence, including its saddest form, loneliness. Thanks also for sharing your personal struggles, feelings, thoughts, so we can hopefully do a bit better at keeping you around, satisfied, happy, or at least enough so that you never this serious about getting away from us and our fucked up world.

thanks for your posting of this unfortunate news, suicide says nothing bad about those who commit it, only that the world we live in, and our own lives, are ready for some improvement, to make a world where we hopefully lose less people to violence, including its saddest form, loneliness. Thanks also for sharing your personal struggles, feelings, thoughts, so we can hopefully do a bit better at keeping you around, satisfied, happy, or at least enough so that you never this serious about getting away from us and our fucked up world.

Sad news indeed. It's been a year this month since another stunning porn star Roman Ragazzi, took his own life. I've been in the darkest depression this year but fortunately take steps to get out of my dark bubble. I hope Arpad and Roman rest in peace.

I think you couldn't write or tell us in a better way than you just did. respect! It is sad that a person comes to the conclusion that their lives can't go on and it's time to step out like this. I wish his family lots of support coping with this terrible loss.

You're bravely opening the door for discussion about the suicides and ODs that have been toppling great guys like dominoes. Arpad Miklos, Roman Ragazzi, Josh Weston (?), Erik Rhodes.... Vulnerability. Depression. In some cases, exploitation. Clearly, there needs to be some kind of support system. And how are YOU doing--given that you yourself have struggled with suicide and depression? What do you wish we could do?

Please take care of yourself, Colby, because many of us - though we don't know you personally - love and appreciate you and have gratitude for what you share with us. Wonderful tribute you have written for Arpad Miklos. Thanks.

thanks for posting this, Colby- arpad was so great. he always conveyed he really liked the guys in his scenes...pretty special. and his scenes w you are among my favs - it must feel pretty bad. i feel like i knew him.I agree - i dont know why people do what they do but i know what it feels like to be that down. anyway RIP Arpad :(

I saw this in one of the postings about Arpad Miklos, and throught it's really helpful as a wakeup--if someone you know exhibits warning signs of suicide: do not leave the person alone, remove any firearms, alcohol, drugs or sharp objects that could be used in a suicide attempt, and call the U.S. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (8255) or take the person to an emergency room or seek help from a medical or mental health professional.

Hope if you or anybody reading this is contemplating suicide, they'll call that lifeline....

I have VHS tapes of Arpad when he was first discovered and have collected DVDs of many of his performances. It is like a brother or best friend leaving you. Whatever his reasons, hopefully he understood how much he was loved by those who worked with him and from those of us who loved him from afar.

Very sad to hear of Arpad's passing...but I agree with an anonymous poster above. I am MORE concerned at this point with YOUR issues "dealing with depression and suicide." If ever there was a red flag for you - your post is it!

I know it can be hard to see a way of the forest, when you are in the thick of it, but know this: depression CAN be treated! You do not NEED to feel this way, regardless of your choice of profession or your choices in life.

If you are feeling depressed and/or suicidal SEEK HELP even if you think you are "managing it". Don't wait until it gets out of control.

That is so sad :/I am so sorry he needed to kill himself. One of my favourite videos is of Arpad and Zack Randalls and I love it. It so sad that a profession that gives so much joy and satisfaction is also socially-vexing. I wish more power to everyone working in the sex industry. I wish you pride and success.

Thank you, Colby, for this wonderful tribute and for sharing your struggles with depression and suicide. Over 10 years ago, I was diagnosed with depression. Thanks to therapy, medication and a great support network, I am alive and well today. When I was a little boy, my dad committed suicide. It's very hard to fully grasp why someone takes his or her own life. All we can do is be there for people who become depressed and are teetering on the precipice of suicide. RIP, Arpad. May his death not be in vain.

Hi everyone... this morning, after I read these sad news,I thought "What could happen with him?" It is hard to know that... I felt he maybe just need a friend or someone who can be with him; a part of me says "It's too late, man"; but on the other hand, I feel this could be an example to our own lifes, never is late to offer our hand, our voice to these people who we admire and enjoy their company... Arpad IS and WILL BE one of them. I wish you will REST REALLY IN PEACE at this moment, Arpad. Thanks a lot for these nice and wise words, Colby... a very good relieve. God Bless U! Hugs from Mexico.

It seems too easily forgotten sometimes, so it's worth repeating: while we all seem to imagine sometimes that porn stars lead glamorous jetsetting lives, they're still just regular people with all the same struggles and difficulties and worries and joys and sorrows and ups and downs as the rest of us. He'll be missed, certainly.

I'm not a porn star, but I've also struggled with depression and know very well how easily one can slip into the urge to end the pain by any means necessary. So I'm going to echo what a few commenters have already said above: Colby, if you ever find yourself slipping back into the pit of depression, please know that there are many, many people out here who get how it feels, and are willing to listen and offer support and understanding if and when you need it. Hell, I'd be willing, and I know others here would too -- so I hope you never feel like you have nobody you can talk to about it, nobody who can help lift you back up into the light of day.

And Colby, big hugs to you, sir. You are loved, and you are valued. For your heart, your mind, and your contributions to the world... yes yes, you are hot too, but aside from that, there are a ton of people who care about you deeply for just being you, no matter what. Please always remember that.

I can only echo all this appreciation -- for Arpad, for others lost in the past -- and add my hope that you will go from strength to strength. You are so very generous to share yourself with us. The work you do is valuable and greatly appreciated by the countless people it feeds and sustains. As I count it, you are all heroes and front-line troops in the battle against Puritanism, one of the few effective measures against it.

Hi Colby,Thanks for posting updates on this blog, especially this one. I am sincerely curious to know why you work as a porn star. I agree that the income from porn is not high and it seems to me that the cons outweigh the pros.

Dear Colby, thanks for this. I want to wish you a long and happy life. I became a fan wayyyy way back on SeanCody and it's been good to follow your adventures since then. You're a porn star with a high # of brain cells; I hope that over the coming years you maintain good connections with people who could help you transition out of porn/sex work into other modes of livelihood, when/if the time begins to feel like "enough" and that it's time to make changes. I am quite a 'porn hound' and I admire those who do porn or sex work and feel sure enough about it to keep going. But it seems like a hard road for many and it seems many come to feel stuck, over time, like there are no other options. As you write a lot of it is the stigma; to do porn/sex work is to burn many other potential bridges in terms of career and livelihood. And porn or sex work gets a lot harder as one ages, clients dwindle, income collapses. I wish Arpad could have found another life transition as he considered the outlook for his 50s and beyond -- a continuation of his life in some new form, post-porn/sex work, rather than the brutally finite decision he took. He too seemed like a smart and sweet guy. Hugs to you Colby. - Paul

Well put Paul and a sentiment I agree with. Thanks for your blog and message, Colby. Peter/Arpad seemed such a nice and intelligemt man. The sooner porn loses the stigma of being sinful then the sooner people can choose it as a career if they want to. The important thing is to be able to move on afterward to something else. You are more than "porn stars" you are people who are willing to perform with your sexual organs just like a tennis player or athlete uses other muscles. And just in the same way, hangers on will exploit you, managers will push you to do more and more and sadly drugs will be resorted to when the body gives up. The hard thing will be to find the people out there who are willing to get to know the rest of you. As you can see from the comments here. There are many around, so reach out. I, for one , am not going to preach and tell you to "reform" as I don't see it as that. I see it as a change of career when you're ready. It will be hard. Just ask any elite sportsperson. But it is possible. Again, reach out. Don't suffer in silence. As Paul advises, make some connections outside the industry now to ease the transition but have a long and happy career in the meantime.

As someone who struggles with depression, I can see why someone could committ the ugly act. We are lonely, even though we can give a good cover by laughing and joking when we need to be "on" it does take a toll on our minds and body. Some days I feel so drained all I can do it stay in bed. Then comes the feelings sweeping over you of dispare and being alone in the world and you hurt so bad that you can't think straight.

Really, really sad about this. He seemed like an incredibly uncynical sweet guy and held fantasies of one day meeting him to tell him that. He was so beautiful and through suicide his fragility has only made him more beautiful to me. Im sorry to say but I have forsaken religion but I hope his soul is somewhere happier, he deserves it.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and memories about what seemed to be a genuinely sweet, funny, enthusiastic fellow that we only saw pieces of on film. It does seem like, over the past year or two, a tidal wave of deaths in the porn/sex work community has hit the public eye. I wonder how many other, less well known stars likewise suffer and eventually falter...and what we, as the public that views your work, should be doing to support not just individuals, but the entire framework as a whole.

I used to see him at my former gym 24hr Fitness on 26th and 5th, and had a crush on this beautiful man for a while. If you saw him working out you couldn't tell something that tragic was already being worked out in his mind. I meant to say hi but felt shy, although I would have been devastated if we became friends. He seemed like such a strong man, I cannot comprehend the motive. Please call and support your close friends because you never know what they are going through. So sad to not see him around anymore :(

What is terrible here is that a much loved performer in a media that is marginalized felt there were no options for him in the coming days. He was embraced by many who worked with him, loved by them, loved and admired by countless fans. And yet, his death is not recognized in the "straight" press as a professional in the entertainment industry. The gossipy meth and cancer revelations do nothing to acknowledge the passing of a loving human being who meant the world to those who knew him and those of us who loved him from his work. Take a breather those who wish to sluff off a life.

Andrew Miller wrote a striking piece this past week in response to Spencer Cox's death, entitled The Coming Epidemic: Is HIV Really What Killed Spencer Cox? It applies here, too. What is going on that so many of our people are falling, some would argue in their prime, to these feelings of disillusionment, lack of purpose, isolation and hopelessness. I'm kind of embarrassed to have survived the early 90s. There's still so much psychological and emotional baggage associated with the LGBT experience. It seems ass-backward that so much energy is being put into marriage equality when there's real work to be done at the core of our community. "It gets better" is a romantic mantra and all when you're twentysomething. But guess what, wait until you're fortyish... it can get worse.

The mantra "It only gets better" are empty words when one is young in the middle of social rejection and in harms way. But you raise a good point in terms of the community and the care of and concern for every person in LGBT culture. Good to raise this awareness.

As a woman who watches gay porn, I was really shocked by this. He seemed really nice and down to earth. Out of all the articles I've seen announcing his death, the one thing in common are the trolls and hateful comments. It makes me sick, life is hard enough as it is and your #1 priority is being the bitchy-est queen you can be. WHY? So sad, all of it. At least this man now has Peace.

I only met Arpad once, but I was left with the impression of what a terrific guy! So very sad that someone, who appeared to have so much, felt this was the best solution. Dealing with the loneliness of depression myself it makes me wish I had overcome my own self doubt of "why would he need/or want me as a friend" and pursued a friendship I felt we could have had.

I am also a woman who watches gay porn. Arpad was my absolute favorite, because of the sweetness and tenderness he exhibited in his scenes (most of the time). I will miss his work terribly. It makes my heart ache to think that he somehow ended up in such a desperate situation. So very sorry to see him go like this.

you dont need a doctor or a degree to commit suicide. guess what, you can kill yourself by drinking too much water(dilutional hyponatremia). please stop being so morbid regarding the deets. he was a friend, and i find this curiosity distasteful. many of us knew he was unhappy. unfortunately, we'll all have to live with the fact that no one made more of an effort. life is a precarious endeavor, indeed.

Thank You for your tribute to Arpad's passing. You treated him with the respect he deserves and the humanity in your words speaks volumes of your character. The industry treats people as nothing more than a commodity, there was much more to Arpad than the physical being. May he rest in peace, and may each of us be treated with as much dignity as you've afforded him when our time comes.

Thanks for your words, and this nice tribute to Arpad Miklos. It's so sad. Never have seen any porn actor/actor with so much tenderness in his hands, so much empaty.May his death and your words, Colby, help. So sad.

Of course my first thoughts are for his friends, family and loved ones. I hope that they're able to find comfort at a time like this.

However, I have a hard time with suicides sometimes. Sometimes, I can't get beyond the anger. I know that we're complicated people and that we're all working and struggling with things.

But sometimes I struggle with why can't people try one more time. For rehab, for therapy, for counseling, for anything that will fight the darkness and give them perhaps that one more piece to keep them fighting to live.

He was so full of live and charisma. The kind of guy that a straight woman would watch gay porn. The kind of guy who seemingly captivated a room when he entered it. Why couldn't he try just one more time...

I truly hope that he's at peace now. I want to believe that now he's beyond whatever tore him down. And I want people to understand that his life and death are more than clichés.

Dear Colby: I have been an admirer of yours from when I first saw you. You are a beautiful man and much loved by me and I am sure many other people. Arpad's death is indeed a big loss. Like so many others, I hope he's found peace!

I want you to know that you are loved, even by people who "unfortunately" have not met you. You are a very good looking and sexy man. But that is not everything I see in you. You seem like such a nice and warm person with so many possibilities. You have your whole life ahead of you, and it can be a good life. I have no doubt that you'll reach your full potential. You are loved, and you are a worthy human being who deserves to be fulfilled and happy. You have a friend in me, if you need one.

I remember finding the deaths of Linda McCartney and Steve Jobs particularly unsettling, because they demonstrated both, that even when one has more money than God, if cancer means to make itself invincible it will, and that nobody is hiding any secret cure from the rest of us little people.

Miklos's suicide fosters a feeling something akin. You look at the unending pictures of him across the internet, with his head-to-toe, sweeping physical gifts, and think to yourself, "if I had all that going for me, even at 45, surely I could find myself a sugar daddy to pad the rest of my life." Arpad's choice, however, shows that even with that likelihood, it can also be not enough.

Suicide note or not, now only Arpad and God know what demons he was unable to escape any other way. May he rest in peace.

I'm not surprised he killed himself. The motion picture industry - this one and the conventional one, are insecure ways to make a living, unless you're one of the lucky ones. And they will chew you up and spit you out faster than the blink of an eye. It can be very exploitative, superficial, lonely, and when the drugs and money run out, and no one wants you anymore, or you otherwise feel hollow inside, suicide is imminent

Incredible ... just yesterday after learning the news of his death, and after being shocked with grief, he came to see me tonight in a dream .... it was great we did not sex or anything else, only we looked and I immediately saw in him a strength and a strange sense of peace and security that expressed towards me. He spoke me with irony and hugged me and I'd laugh at him. In the dream I was really good, I really would not want to wake up.Thanks Arpad, I hope that wherever you are now, God protect you because also if we so far apart, you was in my opinion a very good and nice person.A strong and big kiss for you by Luca from Sicily.

I'm only now seeing this, and I don't really have any favorites as far as porn actors; but, I hate that the guy not only was a great example of why I find men to be far more beautiful than females. It's just on a different level, I can't explain it.

I'm sorry this happened, and I don't think if I had to go through the same or exp. a loved one having committed suicide I could hold it together. I know I won't. Doesn't make him a bad person that he did go through with it - just sad. What a waste.

I am saddened by this loss and deeply moved by Colby's honest post relaying the news. I'm also disturbed that so many of the comments here reflect a profound misunderstanding of depression. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, attraction to stigmatized or exploitative situations and forms of work are symptoms of depression, not causes. While they may offer some short-term relief from some of the pain and suffering depression causes, ultimately they act as accelerants. The fire was there before the gasoline was thrown on it, though. If this man, who I did not know, was suffering so terribly, for whatever reason, that he believed taking his own life was his only recourse, then I am glad his suffering has ended even as I wish he had been able to find a way to end the suffering while keeping his life and learning to live it joyfully. For the pleasure some of his choices brought to me, I will repay him by respecting his final choice as one he genuinely believed was necessary and desirable, and I will always hope that from what he wanted he got what he needed.