Spencer: No, there's a distinction. This is her homework schedule and a number for a tutor because she's been having a little trouble with science. These are the vitamins that she needs to take everyday. I only give her the ones shaped like dinosaurs.

Granddad: Why?

Spencer: Dinosaurs are cool. Oh, and she's really into drinking coffee, [whispers] but I always give her decaf without telling her.

Carly: What?

Spencer: [in normal voice] Nothing.

Sam: So... who's gonna take the blame when I put live raccoons in the trunk of Mrs. Briggs' car?

Carly: ...Will you at least try to stay out of trouble?

Sam: No.

[Carly, Sam, and Freddie are cleaning out Carly's locker]

Sam: Oooh can i have this? (ipod)

Carly: I'm leaving, not dying.

Sam: But don't you want something for me to remember you by? Like 500 of your favorite songs?

[Spencer persuades his date Connie to juggle, who starts to do so just as Freddie catches his attention with the fake pie]

Freddie: Don't mind me, I'm just a guy having some pie!

Spencer: Hey, is that one of those pie-spy video cameras?

Freddie: No, it is not.

Connie: Oh, yeah, they were talking about those on the Food Channel... Or was it the Spy Channel?

Spencer: You know, I think it was the Spy Channel.

Freddie: I don't know what you guys are talking about! This is just a normal piece of pie that doesn't record anything!

Spencer: But there's a big lens on the side.

Freddie: [frustrated] Oh, just forget it! [goes back upstairs]

[Carly and Freddie are spying on Ms. Briggs with the fake pie in tow at her house and decide that she is boring, so they decide to leave, but just as they turn to walk away, a bee flies around them]

Freddie: [waving his arms to shoo the bee away] Hey, go away! Get out of here!

Carly: It's just a bee.

Freddie: You don't understand; I am extremely allergic to bees! Get out of here, you stupid bee! I think he wants my pie!

Carly: That is a stupid bee.

[Freddie hands Carly the fake pie, runs, falls over, gets up and runs for the entrance to Ms. Briggs' house to flee from the bee]

Carly: Where are you going?

Freddie: I can't get stung! [he goes inside]

Carly: Are you insane?! Get out of Ms. Briggs' apartment! You can't just... [the bee continues to fly all around her as she waves her arms to get the bee to fly away] Get away! It's a fake pie! Can't you see the big lens on the side?! [she drops the pie and runs inside] IT'S A FAKE PIE!

Carly: Yeah, you just have to say it like a really angry Japanese man!

[Carly sits down next to Spencer and they take turns screaming at the lamp]

Carly & Spencer: RAMPUU! RAMPUU! [and so on]

[Freddie walks in and stares at them for a moment, then walks back out slowly]

Freddie: Oh, and uh, just for the record, the only reason you pinned me down like that is 'cause I wasn't ready.

Carly: Are you ready now?

Freddie: Yeah, why? (she pins him to the ground again as he struggles to break free from her) ...Can we please not tell anyone about this?

Freddie: Mr. Devlin is like the strictest teacher ever.

Spencer: I know... he used to be the lunch monitor. He gave me detention.

Freddie: What for?

Spencer: Playing with my fruit.

Principal Franklin: Sam, just sit and try not to break anything.

Sam: No promises.

Teacher: Please complete exercises 7 and 9.

Carly: What about number 8?

Teacher: [whining] I'm in charge!

Carly: Then let me reprint it on paper that is completely hole-free!

Mr. Devlin: Reports can only be turned in once. Silly little truffle.

Spencer: One more thing.

Carly: What?!

Spencer: (holds up a pair of clippers) ...There's an A stuck to your butt. (takes it off her)

Carly: That's so embarrassing!

Principal Franklin: Hello, Sam.

Sam: Mornin', Ted.

Principal Franklin: Sam...

Sam: [falsely cheerful] Good morning, Principal Franklin!

Principal Franklin: So, Sam. Tell me, what has gotten you into trouble this week?

Sam: Uhh, I got yelled at by Ms. Briggs for failing a quiz.

Principal Franklin: Why did you fail the quiz?

Sam: I didn't know the answers.

Principal Franklin: Right. Anything else?

Sam: Uhh, I got kicked out of the cafeteria for slapping Gibby with a piece of pizza.

Principal Franklin: Why did you slap Gibby with a piece of pizza?

Sam: I found it on the floor; I wasn't gonna eat it.

Security Officer: We need to speak to a legal parent or guardian.

Carly: SPENCER!

Spencer: [from another room] I AM IN THE BATHTUB!

Carly: [to the security officers] Are you going to take us to juvie?

Freddie: I don't want to go to juvie!

Carly: They're gonna take us to juvie! [they both start crying]

Carly: I didn't really get straight A's!

Spencer: Huh?

Carly: (talking fast) Mr. Devlin gave me a B+, then Sam changed my grade in the school's computer. Freddie and I tried to change it back, that's why the CSA came here. I lied to Principal Franklin, I made Karen Yamakao cry, and my hair is falling out! Look at it! (takes a small bit of her hair off)

Carly: [picks up show idea card] "Carly and Sam roll Freddie in bread crumbs and bake him at 350 degrees"?

[Freddie looks at Sam in shock]

Sam: Just until he's golden brown!

[Spencer is finished setting up a drum set and begins drumming, which causes it to fall apart shortly afterwards]

Spencer: ...I rock too hard.

Spencer: Want to see me rock out?

[Carly and Sam agree. Spencer starts playing the drums and one of the cymbals mysteriously bursts into flames]

Spencer: How can that even happen?!

[Carly gets the fire extinguisher and extinguishes the cymbal]

Sam: Hey, can I sleep over tonight?

Carly: You don't want to go home?

Sam: Nah... When my mom buys a new bikini, she usually likes to wear it around the house for a few days to "break it in." If you're my friend, you won't make me see that.

[after Spencer's new "invention" bursts into flames]

Carly: Electrical wiring just isn't your thing.

Spencer: No, it is not.

Carly: [reading the band's letter to Spencer] "Dear Splinter."

Spencer: He never did learn my name.

Carly: "Thanks for getting us booked on Seattle Beat. You rock for that. Unfortunately, your drumming is suckish." Aw?

Spencer: That's where I said "Aw", too.

Carly: "So we've decided to go ahead with our appearance on Seattle Beat, but we're kicking you out of the band. Also, we took the rest of the deviled eggs and stole your drums. Take care, Blake." Well, that wasn't nice at all.

Spencer: Nope.

Carly: I'm sorry.

Spencer: Thanks. I'm just sitting here, listening to their music.

Carly: Well, don't do that! They're mean people.

Spencer: I know. But their music is so good! [crying] THEY TOOK MY DRUMS!

Ms. Ackerman: And if the vote says that we shouldn't be together... [to Spencer] THEN I HATE YOU! AND THE INTERNET! (she angrily takes her purse, opens the door, swats a small vase to the floor and leaves) Ow...

Spencer: Okay. What was the point of all this? Now she's just gonna be mean and vicious to you guys at school.

Sam: I dunno...

Freddie: Lot of people watch iCarly.

Sam: And sometimes...

Carly: We make sure certain specific people watch.

Freddie: Yes...yes we do.

Spencer: You guys are up to something and I DON'T WANNA KNOW WHAT IT IS!

Ms. Ackerman: You set me up!

Freddie: That's a lie!

Carly: No, we set her up.

Freddie: Oh yeah. (the FBI takes Ms. Ackerman out of the room, and everyone cheers)

Sam: So, now what do we do?

Freddie: Well, we should probably tell Principal Franklin that our teacher was arrested.

Carly: [speaking very fast] Yes, I did, too! He told me that he can beat his dad in arm wrestling, and I said, "No way," and he said, "Oh, no, it's true," and I said, "Wow, you must be really strong," and he said, "Well, I work out a little bit," and I said, "Really?" And he said, "Yeah, you wanna feel my biceps?" And I said, "Sure, I do," and so I felt them, and they felt awesome.

Freddie: You were right! You guys were right, okay?! My mom, she... she likes Lewbert. DAAAARGHHH!!

Sam: Aw, well maybe she'll--

Freddie: NO JOKES, PUCKETT, THIS IS SERIOUS CHIZZ!

Carly: Okay. Calm down.

Freddie: I can't!

Sam: Benson...

Freddie: HOW CAN I CALM DOWN WHEN THERE'S A POSSIBILITY THAT LEWBERT COULD BECOME MY DADDY?!

Lewbert: THIS AIN'T TOMATO JUICE!

Carly: Then, what is it?

Lewbert: Uh, nothing.

iGo To Japan! Carly: Wait, so when do we perform? [Crowd laughs] Carly: And why was that funny? {crowd laughs} Host: You already won. Carly: Wait, what? Host: The winners for best web comedy show is: iCarly! [Crowd claps]

Sam: YOU'RE the one who called the cops?! Oh, I swear when I get out of here...

Carly: No, you're in here 'cause I wished for Spencer to be normal.

Sam: Who's Spencer?

Carly: My brother. He made a magnetic tree that...

Sam: Dude, I barely know you.

Carly: You know me a lot. We were best friends till I made that stupid wish.

Sam: We were never friends. Just 'cause we used to go to the same school, that doesn't make you...

Carly: Okay. If we're not best friends, then, how would I know that you've slept with two different colored socks on your feet since you were little 'cause you think it's good luck? And how would I know that you're right-handed, but you punch harder with your left? And how would I know that your mom's foot has a tattoo on it?

Sam: A tattoo of what?

Carly: A foot.

Sam: How do you know my mom has a tattoo of a foot on her foot? How do you know all that stuff?

Carly: I told you, we're best friends.

Sam: What's my favorite color?

Carly: Brown.

Sam: Why?

Carly: It's the color of gravy.

Sam: What's my favorite junk food?

Carly: Fat cakes.

Sam: What's my favorite book?

Carly: Boogie Bear III: The Return of Boogie Bear.

Sam: what do I hate most?

Carly: People.

Sam: What do I wanna be when I grow up?

Carly: An invisible ninja.

Sam: ...Wow...

Nevel: Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! La-de-da-li-de-dah!

Mrs. Benson: Hello, Nevel.

Nevel: Good evening, Mrs. Benson.

Spencer: Carly, I think you better calm down.

Carly: I don't want to calm down!

Rona: She's crazy.

Carly: I heard that, Rona!

Mrs. Benson: Can I get you some ibuprofen?

Carly: NO! (to Spencer) I just want you back! I want you the way you're supposed to be! I want you to make crazy sculptures, and to accidentally set stuff on fire, and to wear socks that light up. (to Mrs. Benson) And I want you to be single and lonely again! (to Nevel) And I want you to leave the country... (to Rona) And...nobody even likes you! (to Spencer) And... I want Sam back! (to Freddie) And I want you to be my friend and say "in five, four, three, two," but not the one, which I never understood, but I liked it! And... I just want my life back! (runs upstairs crying)

Nevel: Well. Bah, humbug.

Carly: Mitch! Mitch, where are you? Mitch!

Freddie: Oh, there you are. Hey, did you check out that video I sent the guy can fit a hole grapefruit... Hey. Hey, are you crying?

Carly: Just leave me alone.

Carly: Thanks, Mitch.

Mitch: Thank you.

Carly: Why thank me?

Mitch: Because, if it weren't for you, I would have never gotten my wings. (the computer screen shifts down to show a plate of chicken wings)

Gibby: [screams and runs away after being handcuffed to Sam for an extended period of time]

Carly: As if Gibby's therapist didn't have enough to deal with!

[On iCarly, a fake movie trailer is being shown that the kids filmed]

Announcer: A comedy no one wants to see! Kelly Cooper: Terrible Movie!

[Carly, as Kelly, falls off stool and screams]

Announcer: It's really bad!

Sam: [after Freddie shows himself to the audience] That was our technical producer Freddie, who, last week, handcuffed me to a nerd. So guess what?... [pause] Freddie's never kissed a girl. Never. Not once. I heard him say so myself and Carly's a witness. Okay, Later. [walks away]

Carly: [running after Sam] Sam! Sam! You just ruined Freddie's life! [Freddie drops the camera he is holding.]

Sam: Well, how can I do the show now that you made me feel all depressed?

Carly: I don't know, just get in front of the camera and do it.

(Gibby throws coffee in Spencer's face)

Spencer: What was that about?!

Gibby: Well, Carly said, "If Spencer tries to be lazy, throw a cup of water in his face to perk him up."

Spencer: Right. Well, THAT WAS HOT COFFEE!

Gibby: Oh, well can I have a cup of water?

Spencer: NO!

Mr. Devlin: The important thing is to be proud of yourself. You need to face the world with shoulders cocked, and say, "I AM FREDDIE BENSON, AND I HAVE NEVER KISSED A GIRL!"(other students start laughing) Hey, there! Stop that! Stop laughing at this unfortunate misfit!

Carly: You are gonna start with building up some muscle.

Spencer: I have muscle.

Carly: Do you?

Spencer: Yes.

Carly: Then take off your shirt and jump up and down.

Spencer: I don't wanna.

Carly: Why not?

Spencer: 'Cause I'll jiggle.

[on iCarly]

Carly: And now, what you've all been waiting for...

Sam: Carly and I are about to have our very first...

Carly and Sam: MEATBALL WAR!

Sam: With our slingshots...

Carly: And a hundred meatballs!

Sam: But um... before we start our meatball war, I wanna say something. On the last iCarly... I told you guys that Freddie never kissed anyone and... that was really personal and I shouldn't say it on the show. And for all you people out there who's been teasing Freddie about it, lay off! Because I bet a whole lot of you haven't kissed anyone either... including me. Yeah. That's right, I've never kissed anyone. So if you want to tease someone about it, tease me. Which is a bad idea unless you live near a hospital!

Freddie: [makes short laughing type noise]

Sam: What?

Freddie: Nothing it's--

Sam: Tell me!

Freddie: Nah it's dumb.

Sam: Say it!

Freddie: Okay. I was gonna say...

Sam: That we should kiss?

Freddie: [looking down] You're going to break my arm now right.

Sam: [shakes head] No.

Freddie: Well...should we? Just so both of us can get it over with?

Sam: Hm. Just to get it over with.

Freddie: Just to get it over with.

Sam: And you swear we both go right back to hating each other as soon as it's over with.

Freddie: Oh, totally, and we never tell anyone.

Sam: Never. [pause] Well, lean.

[Sam and Freddie kiss]

Freddie: Well, that was..

Sam: Nice.

Freddie: Yeah, nice, uh.

Sam: Good work.

Freddie: Thank you, you, too.

[Sam turns around to leave]

Freddie: Hey. [Sam turns back around. Freddie smiles] I hate you.

Sam: [Makes short laugh noise. Smiles] Hate you, too. [Leaves]

[Sam grabs Freddie by the collar]

Sam: I don't play to get even. [jerks Freddie towards her] Mama plays to win.

Freddie: No... you'd only print that out if you knew you were gonna need it.

Sam: Yeah. How did you know there was gonna be a problem getting you the car?

Nevel: Oh, please. I don't have time to be interviewed.

Carly: So where's our couch?

Spencer: YOU KNOW THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN COUCHES, OKAY?!

Carly: What?

Spencer: I don't know...

Nevel: I suspected as much. I figured you iCarlys would try and pull a fast one!

Sam: Who still says "pull a fast one"?

Carly: What's wrong with you, Nevel?! Why is your lifelong dream to get rid of iCarly?!

Nevel: It's not. My lifelong dream is to open my own haberdashery.

Freddie: What is a haberdashery?

Nevel: Oh, why does EVERYONE ask that?! (he starts to walk off, but goes back to them and talks fast) ...A haberdashery is a men's retail shop that sells men's accessories such as wallets, hats, buttons, belts, ribbons, and zippers!

Sam: ...I know that look. That's your thinking look.

Spencer: Oh, I'm thinking. You thinking?

Sam: Yeah, I'm thinking we think of the same thing?

Spencer: We are, if we're thinking about a way to give Nevel a vehicle that's never been state registered and can go 25 miles an hour.

Sam: Oh... no. I was thinking about fried chicken.

Nevel: What, and you think that rolling space turd will get iCarly off the hook?

Carly: Yeah.

Sam: We think it will. (to Carly) Carly, would you say this vehicle is... unique?

Carly: Oh, it is clearly unique. (to Freddie) Freddie, has it ever been state registered?

Freddie: Why, no, Carly, it hasn't.

Carly: You think he did 25 miles an hour?

Spencer: Oh, yeah.

Mr. Bullock: You can't do that kind of damage to a flower shop unless you go at least 25. (an ambulance can be heard off screen)

Carly: I'm telling the story! One time we were going to ride roller-coasters on a school day, and when Spencer came to get me, he told Ms. Briggs he was taking me to the doctor. So Ms. Briggs says "Which one?" and Spencer said...

Spencer: [meekly] Dr. Roller-coaster.

Carly: And guess what I didn't get to ride that day.

(Carly arrives in the elevator wearing a silver dress)

Carly: Hey, do you think this dress is a little too..."saucy"?

Freddie: It's a music video. You have to look hotter than you usually do.

Carly: Why, thank you.

Freddie: I don't wanna do this anymore.

Carly: We have to! His mom needs surgery, and if it weren't for us he'd have a big record deal and lots of money and stop drooling over those girls!

Spencer: [after being sprayed in the face with purple spray paint] Can someone bring me a tissue?

Carly: [reacting to Spencer saying no to her going to a MMA match] Okay, since when did you turn uncool?

Spencer: Um, when did you turn into a big baby who yells at me the first time she doesn't get what she wants?

Carly: Right when you stop giving me what I want!

Fake Sam: Hey, when did Freddie start looking so hot?

Real Sam: Okay, this chick is nothing like me!

Real Carly: Oh, come on, you guys could be sisters!

Real Sam: [to the fake Sam] You ever been arrested?

Fake Sam: No.

Real Sam: We cannot be related.

Spencer: [walking in on the fake iCarly cast] Holy similar!

Spencer: [on the couch, waking up after recovering from a brutal toss against a wall] Ugh... I mean it Carly! You're grounded for two... two weeks! [notices iCarly on the computer featuring Jackson Colt] Why is Jackson Colt dancing with a bra?

Wendy: And at some point during the slumber party, Sam took my bra, filled it with pudding, and stuck it in the freezer. Then in the morning she took it out and threatened to beat my brother with it unless he gave her his muffin.

Spencer: ...LET'S just recap. You STEAL my motorcycle. I DON'T have you arrested. I'm forced to wait an hour... for BAGELS I didn't even WANT! (grabs the bag and shakes it) And then I come HOME to find you CHEWING on my sister's FACE!

Griffin: We were kissing.

Spencer: GUILTY!

Carly: (talking very fast and explaining how she kissed Griffin) Well, Wendy and I were trying to study but Griffin kept getting annoying, so Wendy got frustrated and left. Then I told Griffin he was obnoxious and he said I should "chill out" and I said "Oh, really?" and then while I was telling him how I have needed to study I realized he's super-cute, and he asked me if I like music, so I go "Who doesn't like music?". So then I turned on some music and we started kissing and then I realized he's really sweet, and fun and his face was right there in front of me so I leaned over and I kissed him!

Sam: That was awesome! Shelby looks like she really wants to hurt you.

Carly: SHE DOES!

Sam: Oh... well, that's bad.

Freddie: You're making too big a deal out of this.

Carly: No, I'm dead. Shelby Marx is gonna kill me.

Sam: Carly--

Carly: Everyone said, "Oh, you should fight Shelby Marx." WELL IT'S NOT FUN NOW, IS IT?!?! No, now she is so angry she wants to kill me and wants to kick me and punch me in my head until I talk like BLUH BLUH BLUH BLUH BLUH!

Sam: Well, you shouldn't have been attacked her grandmother!

Sam: (laughs) Ruckus...

Carly: It's a word

Carly: (when she answers the door and sees Gibby) What, Gibby?!

Gibby: Why'd you push her grandmother?!

Carly: I DIDN'T!

Gibby: But I saw the press conference and it looked to me like-- (she starts to close the door on him) No, no, no, no, don't slam it-- (she slams the door)

Sam: Hey, do you guys think it'd be possible to give a guy in a garbage can a wedgie?

Carly: Bad. Everyone, even teachers, are annoying me every chance they get.

Spencer: Aw. One sec. (to Socko, on his phone) Hey, Socko! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BUDDY BUDDY BUDDY!(to Carly) Socko and I always do that on each other's birthday.

Carly: You do it twice?

Spencer: No. So how was school today?

Carly: Still bad...? About your allergy medication?

Spencer: Uh-huh?

Carly: Wasn't one of the possible side effects short term memory loss?

Spencer: Yeah. ...So how was school today? (Carly stares blank)

Carly: I've gotta fix this.

Freddie: How?

Carly: I'm gonna fight Shelby.

Freddie: You can't! You pushed her grandmother! She's gonna PUNCH you SO HARD!

Carly: Maybe not if I hit her lightly.

Spencer: So how was school today?

Carly: IT BLEW UP, OKAY?!?!

Carly: I'm not a twig, I'm getting curvier every day!

Freddie: I know. [Staring at her body]

Carly: Eyes up, dude.

Freddie: [to Shelby] I made you some raisin bread toast.

Sam: Oooh, this is pathetic!

Shelby: Sorry, raisins kinda creeps me out.

[Freddies uses his mouth to remove the raisins]

Freddie: There you go, raisin-free.

Shelby: You also creep me out...

(while Shelby is fighting Carly, thinking she meant to hurt her grandmother while fighting her)

Freddie: Are you dating anyone? [Shelby looks at him, and Sam pulls him away so they can fight]

Shelby: All I know is that some blonde guy came into my gym and played me a video of you two at the press conference, screaming and yelling!

Carly: What blonde guy?

Shelby: Don't know! About yay tall, our age, round head.

Carly, Sam and Freddie: Nevel.

Carly: Now I get it!

Freddie: Nevel must have made a fake video!

Sam: That little nub.

Carly: Maybe he's still here.

Sam: Go check it out!

Freddie: Right! (he and Gibby run off to find Nevel)

Carly: ...Nevel's head is kinda round.

Sam: Like a melon.

(after Freddie drags Nevel into the ring)

Nevel: Okay, Freddie, I'm not scared of you.

Freddie: That's cool. (he shuts the door to the ring and locks it. A light appears that uncloaks Carly)

Carly: Hello, Nevel.

Nevel: I'm not scared of you, either. (after a bit of silence, another light appears that uncloaks Sam)

Sam: 'Sup, Nubbel?

Nevel: Okay, you I'm scared of.

Carly: Just admit it.

Nevel: Admit what?

Sam: That you tricked Shelby Marx with the fake video.

Carly: That made it look like I meant to hurt her grandmother.

Nevel: (fakes a gasp) I did no such thing. (Sam steps closer to him) Okay! I tricked Shelby! ...So? (a light appears that uncloaks Shelby)

Shelby: Hi, Nevel.

Nevel: Oh, dear. (Carly, Sam and Shelby start to close in on him) Oh, okay... what are you gonna do? Ladies, my pants are very expensive. (view cuts to outside the Seattle Super Center)AAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Shelby appears on iCarly, and happily hugs Sam, then Carly]

Freddie: Uh... no hug for the technical producer?

Shelby: Aw, come here, Freddie. [she hugs him, too, and he turns the camera, making it show the two standing with each other]

Freddie: [he sniffs, and Shelby looks at him suspiciously then walks to Carly and Sam] I'm sorry.

Sam: We want a table that's as far away from them as possible! [indicates Carly and Dave]

T-Bo: [still angry] Have I ever cared where you sat?!

Sam: ...You dip your french fries in your smoothie?

Fleck: Yeah, try it.

Sam: Okay, but...(she does and takes a bite of it) Seems kinda weird, because the french fry's all salty, and the smoothie's all...oh my god, you're a genius.

Fleck: Yeah.

Dave: [gets hit with a muffin] Ow!

Carly: What?

Dave: He just threw a muffin at me.

Carly: Well, that is-- [gets hit with a muffin by Sam] Ow! Sam!

Sam: It slipped!

Dave: You got a cranberry on your nose.

Carly: [removes the cranberry, folds her arms, and grabs a muffin and attempts to hit Sam, but it hits an elderly lady]

Elderly Woman: Ahhhh!

Carly: [shocked] I'm so sorry!

Sam: I accept your apology.

Carly: It wasn't for you; it was for the lady I muffined!

Carly: I'm just saying, it might be nice if you showed a tiny bit of appreciation for the work I do to make iCarly happen.

Sam: MORE appreciation? You already named the show after yourself.

Carly: Well, if you don't like the name iCARLY, then maybe we should change it to... iSAM, who's too lazy to even show up for rehearsal most of the time.

Freddie: All friends have fights.

Carly: Yeah, but this one was different. It wasn't even like a fight. I mean, we didn't yell or anything. We just said stuff, and it was bad.

Freddie: Come on, you and Sam have been friends forever.

Carly: I know, but people change.

T-Bo: Mm-hmm. That's what happened with me and my friend Eddie Robinson. He got hit by a bus. Now he's Deaddie Robinson. Talk about change. (holds up a stick of muffins) Try a muffin. (he gives one to Carly)

Carly: ...He told us about his dead friend and then gave me a muffin.

Carly: I know you're upset, but hedge clippers are never the answer.

Sam: Well...

Carly: Never the answer!

Carly: I can do iCarly by myself.

Sam: You can't do iCarly without me!

Freddie: I MEAN IT! BOTH OF YOU, GET BACK INSIDE RIGHT NOW!

Sam: I'm not going back in unless Carly goes first!

Carly: Well I'm not going back in 'till Dave and I shoot what we need for our video! ...No matter how messy this wind makes my hair!

Sam: Carly! Don't let go!

Carly: [hanging from the edge of the platform] WHY ON EARTH WOULD I LET GO?!?!

Sam: I have as much of a right to Freddie as you do!

Carly: No, you don't! Freddie loves me!

[Both look at Freddie]

Freddie: Hey, look, a freckle on my wrist...

[While Spencer and Gibby were in the boat]:

Gibby: Sorry I squeezed the nozzle to hard.

Spencer: You're supposed to be making a light ocean spray, that felt like a whale peed in my face!

Carly: Look, we made it.

Sam: Yeah, and neither one of us cried the whole time.

Carly: Nope. We're brave.

Sam: Yeah we are.

[Both start tearing up. Spencer moves them together and they hug while crying]

Sam: Remember two years ago when I dated that guy Eric Moseby–- kid with the big nose?

Freddie: Sure, Noseby Moseby.

Sam: Uh-huh. And remember how he tried to get me to be his girlfriend for like six months and I kept saying, "Get away from me, or I'll kill you"? And then he bought me a subscription to the Bacons of the World Club, and then boom, I thought I was in love with the guy?

Freddie: I'm listening.

Sam: I was never in love with him; I was in love with the foreign bacon that kept showing up at my door every month...like a beautiful greasy dream.

Freddie: I doubt that bacon can make you think you're in love with someone.

Note: This section features quotes exclusive to the uncut version of iSaved Your Life, which features 7 minutes of footage that was removed due to television time constraints.[1] As such, all the quotes in the version edited for broadcast can also be found in this version by going to the iSaved Your Life section above.

iCarly Fan: Okay, I dare Sam to get arrested.

Carly: Nope, uh-uh.

Sam: Been there, done that.

Freddie: Mom, what are you spraying me with?

Mrs. Benson: An anti-bacterial body spray for boys.

Freddie: Where do you find this stuff?

Mrs. Benson: At sprayyourchildren.com.

Freddie: Carly and Sam aren't freaks!

[Mrs. Benson looks at Freddie in disbelief]

Freddie: Carly's not a freak!

Mrs. Benson: Posy di, posy doo, I don't want posies in my house!

Female Student: Is it true you're gonna be Batman in the next movie?

Freddie: Uh, yeah, sure, spread that rumor around.

Freddie: My kitty got claws.

Carly: Rowr.

Freddie: (as he enters the elevator) What did I do...? (the view cuts to outside the apartment)WHAT DID I DO?!

Spencer: She's a very sophisticated woman. I can't have her thinking I spend my time hanging with teenagers doing goofy stuff!

Carly: That's like, all you do!

Spencer: Yeah, but I can't have her thinking that! She wears pantyhose!

Carly: (talking very fast) Freddie says "In five four three two", then points at us, then we introduce the show. Then after that we go to that wheel over there and do a bit called "Put that in your man purse", which you don't know about but just play along and you'll figure it out as we go.

Spencer: Why doesn't Freddie say "in five, four, three, two, one"?

Carly: No one knows!

Freddie: I know.

Carly: No one cares! Now hurry, take your jacket and glasses off!

Spencer: But I look so sophisticated.

Carly: This is iCarly! We don't do sophisticated! (slaps Spencer lightly)

Carly: "Hey kiddo, urrrrrr?" That's all I get on this, most special of days?

Spencer: Is it Yom Kippur already?

Spencer: It wasn't the worst.

Carly: Yes it was; he took me to a petting zoo.

Spencer: How was I supposed to know the goat would do that?

Carly: Don't talk about what the goat did!

Carly: Please get a haircut.

Spencer: No! It took me over a year to get it this long and voluminous.

Sam: Makes you look like a girl.

Spencer: Does not!

Spencer: Hey, I bet what that goat did to you last year doesn't seem so bad anymore! (Carly cries as she is hugging Sam)

Chief Donker: (to Freddie) ...What did the goat do?

Fire Fighter: (to Spencer) Yeah, we know who you are.

Freddie: Why are you all happy?

Spencer: SHUT UP! (on his phone, to T-Bo) T-Bo, it's Spencer! Listen fast! Carly's gonna be there in about ten minutes to ask for a job, so give her a job! I'll explain later! ...Come on, I'd give your sister a job! Well, she's out of the hospital now! Just hire Carly! Thanks, bye! (puts his phone down) YES! (moves his arms like a robot)

Sam: Okay, two questions: why are you making T-Bo give Carly a job, and WHAT did you do to his sister?

Carly: Morning, T-Bo.

T-Bo: Uh-uh. I'm your boss now. You gotta call me Mr. Bo.

Carly: Mr. Bo?

T-Bo: Nah, I'm just pulling your peach.

Spencer: (doing roll call on his PearPad) Sam!

Sam: Yo! (holds up a paintbrush)

Spencer: Freddie!

Freddie: Aquì!

Spencer: The Gibster!

Gibby: (holds an orange wire) I LOVE that!

Spencer: The painters!

Painters: Yeah!

Spencer: The carpenters!

Carpenters: (Karen and Richard Carpenter lookalikes) Here!

Spencer: Electrician!

Electrician: Yep!

Spencer: Audio/video dude! (looks at Ed) ...That's you, Ed!

Ed: I'm Ed!

Spencer: Now let's build a teenage girl's bedroom SO FANTASTIC, it will make all the other teenage girls CRY!

[after Spencer and everyone else is done making Carly's new room]

Spencer: I just want to tell you all how sincerely grateful I am-

Freddie: Whoa, whoa whoa! Text message from Carly! She's on her way up.

Spencer: EVERYBODY GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!!!!!

Spencer: (jumps over the couch, but falls to the floor. Carly enters the room, as he straightens himself and does a sit-up) ONE HUNDRED!

Carly: You did a hundred sit-ups?

Spencer: Sort of!

Carly: Oh my god!

Spencer: THANK YOU, GREAT GRAMMY!

Carly: We should've gone to her funeral.

Spencer: I know.

Freddie: And Spencer spent it all on your room.

Sam: The whole wad, baby!

Spencer: Which is so stupid 'cause we rent this place, but WHO CARES! (they all jump)

Freddie: You got your room back.

Gibby: Except for all your old photos and other personal items that can never be replaced.

Carly: Now, please listen! NO ONE is dating anyone on iCarly! I'm not dating Freddie... (she puts her hand on his arm) Freddie's not dating Sam...NONE...of us are dating! (brief moment of silence)

Congressman: YOU lie! (the crowd continues to fight)

Sam: (about the fan war) This is like one of my family reunions. Except most of these people are wearing shoes.

Spencer: Release the girl!

Aspartamay: Say your costume's lame.

Spencer: Okay...YOUR COSTUME'S LAME! (the crowd members laugh)

Aspartamay: You know that's not what I meant!

Creddier: I gotta agree with, uh, Hairbow and Pearpad...anybody who's ever even been to iCarly.com can easily see that Carly and Freddie are in love. (the crowd starts to break out at each other)

Freddie: No, we're not!

Carly: We really aren't. ...We really aren't.

Craig: Admit it!

Eric: Sit down! (grabs Craig and pulls him to the floor)

Sam: Relax...mama's got this. (takes her and Carly's microphones and bashes them together. It makes a shrill echo as the audience members cover their ears. After it stops, she gives Carly her microphone back) Alright! Listen up! (pause) ...It's true, Carly and Freddie are deeply in love. (the audience members continue to argue, Adam looks displeased and Carly looks at Sam in shock) Oh, come on! This is fun!

Security officer: (to the people quarreling with each other) Stop fighting! You don't need to do this! Have you no sense of decency?!?

Carly: (is playing with a Rubix cube and completes one side, then turns to Sam) Look! I got one side done.

Sam: Nice.

Freddie: Will you take your head out of your Fatshake and listen to me?! [grabs fatshake and slams it on table]

Carly: Oh come on. Lately whenever Brad and Freddie want to do something, all of a sudden you want to tag along. Brad's so nice. He's polite, he's smart, he's got no warrants. Think of all the fudge-y good times you'll have together! Don't you want a nice boyfriend? Go for it. Make a move. I just want you to be happy.

Sam: Then bake me a pie. [leaves]

Gibby: I love pie.

Carly: Gibby!

Gibby: [leaving] Sure. Always make Gibby clean the vomit out of the sensory stimulus chamber!

Freddie: Look, I know it's scary for you to put your feelings out there, 'cuz you never know if the person you like is gonna like you back. Everyone feels that way. But you never know what might happen if you don't-

Caleb: [while the gang is doing iCarly] Warning! In the year 2029, aliens capture Ryan Seacrest!

Sam: Now tonight on iCarly, Gibby's gonna sit in some sushi, and he will try to identify what kind of fish it is.

Gibby: Fingers crossed for salmon.

Carly: Um, actually we're gonna do something else first.

Gibby: K, then I'm going back to the men's room. [walks off undoing his belt]

Sam: Um, what do you mean we are doing something else first?

Carly: Okay! So you people wanna see Sam and Freddie get together?

Freddie: Carly, I don't think that it'd be-

Carly: Sshhhh!

[Freddie stops talking]

Carly: Now Sam thinks it's insane for her to like Freddie.

Sam: Cause it is.

Carly: But we wanna hear from you.

Caleb: Four years from now, Viginia, and West Viginia, will merge, to form one huge Viginia!

Carly: Settle down Viginia. Now we wanna hear from you, the fans of iCarly. So if you think Sam's insane for likin Freddie, or not, just video chat us right now here at iCarly.com!

Sam: Dude-

Carly: Here's... Wavy Becca.

Wavy Becca: Hey iCarly!

Carly: Hi!

Sam and Freddie: Hey.

Wavy Becca: I think Sam and Freddie would make an awesome couple.

Carly: So to clarify, you don't think Sam's insane for liking Freddie?

Wavy Becca: No way! Freddie's hot.

Carly: Yeah, let's not get carried away. Okay next up, we have.. Goopy Gilbert. Hey Goopy Gilbert! What do you think about Sam and Freddie-

Goopy Gilbert: Seddie! Seddie!!

Carly: So you think Sam and Freddie should be together?

Goopy Gilbert: Seddie!!

Carly: Thankyou!!

Sam: Okay, I don't care how many iCarly fans say I'm not insane for liking Freddie. I know I'm-

Freddie: Waaiitt, wait wait wait wait. Let's take one more chat.

Sam: No I don't wanna-

Freddie: Just one more.

Sam: Urghh.

Freddie: [hands Carly the camera] Hold this.

Carly: You be nice.

Freddie: Just.. [Freddie turns on his pear pad and starts messing around with his laptop a little bit, then turns towards Sam and starts speaking into the pear pad] Hey, it's Freddie. So, uh, a lot of people have been talking about whether Sam and I should, you know, go out with each other. And it's like wondering of Sam is crazy for wanting to, but nobody asked me how I feel.

Sam: We talked about it.

Freddie: No, you talked. You told me how you feel, while you ate a quasadia.

Sam: The quasaida's here are amazing.

Carly: Sshhh!

Freddie: Anyway, yeah, it's important how Sam feels but, how I feel is important to.

Sam: Okay, Benson, we get it. You wanna humiliate me, on the web in front of millions of people, go ahead and just do it, I don't care. Get back at me for all the mean things I've s-

Freddie: [looks to Carly] Carly, is it wrong to tell a person that it's not polite to talk with their mouth full of lasagna?

Sam: [looks to Carly and scoffs] Is it wrong for a person to pick on every little thing I do?

Carly: [frustrated as she slams her fork down and, gets up] Yes. And yes! You both should be furious with each other! [walks over to their table and pushes Sam over hard] Furious!

Freddie: Well, I wouldn't say I'm furious.

Carly: Well, you should be furious! What guy wants to go on a date and watch a girl go: [mocking Sam's table manners] "Bleh! I'm Sam Puckett! Bleh! Wa-wa-wa."

Sam: [looks offended]

Freddie: ...Ew.

Carly: [to Sam] And how can you sit there and listen to that whiny nub go: [mocking Freddie nitpicking at Sam] "Bleh! You're using too much Parmesan! Bleh! Don't chew with your mouth open! Bleh!" Seriously! Why don't you two just pick up your forks, and use them to jab each other in the eyes?! [slams fork down on the table].

Gibby: Carly? I'm coming in, I got a friend. [holds up a puppy]

Carly: Awwww, a puppy?

Gibby: Yeah, isn't he cute?

Carly: Yeah, he's really cute! [strokes the puppy]

Gibby: You hear that little guy? Mommy loves you!

Carly: Uh, uh, why did you call me his mommy?

Gibby: Well you know, Sam and Freddie are always hanging out together now,

Carly: Yeahh...

Gibby: And that means you and I are going to have more time, just the two of us!

Carly: Yeaahhh...

Gibby: So I figured sharing a dog would give us something to talk about!

Carly: No.

Carly: I'm just supposed to sit here and wait for you guys to have a fight so I can settle it?

Sam: Pretty much.

Freddie: We'd really appreciate that.

Carly: Those stars you put on the ceiling look so cool.

Spencer: Good. 'Cause it wasn't easy getting 'em up there.

Carly: What about that moon?

Spencer: Even harder. That thing weighs like 60 pounds.

Carly: Wow.

Spencer: Yeah. Had to use a bunch of big long screws, and a steel cable to stur—

[The moon on the ceiling fall on Spencer and Carly.]

Spencer and Carly: (Groan)

Spencer: Hi, I made a lawn!

Gibby: That is a lawn.

Carly: See, this is why I don't like to leave the house. What do we do with it? [pokes Spencer in the stomach]

Spencer: Whatever we wanna do!

Gibby: The possibilities are limitless!

Spencer: We can play on it, we can sit on it a listen to music, we can have a barbecue on it-

Gibby: We can play badminton.

Spencer: You play badminton?

Gibby: Heck yeah! Got my own racket and shuttlecock!

Spencer: Sweet! [high fives Gibby] Oh! And at night, we can just lay on the grass and, stare up at the stars.

Jennette: [to the cast member whos foot she trew the tray at] Are you ok?

Cast Member: [whilst hopping] Oh yeah, almost lost a foot there..

[they all giggle]

Jennette: [sings] "My moustache is dangling from my face."

[The actor who plays Marty pushes Jerry in his seat under the table]

Jerry: It's like-

[Jennette spits her water out all over the table and everyone begins to laugh]

Nathan: [laughs so much that he falls off his stool]

Jerry: Sorry. [begins to laugh]

Jennette: [laughs hysterically with Jerry about what she's just done]

Miranda: Sam loves Freddie!

Jennette: Quit it!

Miranda: Sam loves Freddie!

Jennette: Carly!

Miranda: Sam loves-

[Jennette rolls off the bed and falls into the picture]

Crew Member: Hold!

Jennette: [gets up] I'm good.

Jennette: Um... so should we talk some more about my role on iCarly?

Christopher: No. Off you go.

Christopher: Now, if you were excited about seeing a good guest tonight, you'll have to wait a bit longer, 'cause up next, is Nathan Kress. He plays... [turns away from the camera towards the camera crew] Uh, who is he?

Dan: He plays Freddie on iCarly.

Christopher: Oh, he's the boy?

Dan: Yes sir.

Nathan: Thanks, thanks Christopher. Thanks for asking me to be on your show.

Sam: Too late! I already put my tongue in the pudding cup. [puts her tongue back into the pudding cup]

Carly: I don't care about the pudding cup.

Freddie: I did!

Carly: We all have to go to Olympia next week for Nora's parole hearing.

Sam: For why?

Carly: For wh- For to make sure that they keep that crazy girl in prison!

Sam: Maybe they should let her go?

Carly: What?! Why?!

Sam: Look I've been to prison. It's not fun in there.

Freddie: Yeah, and maybe when Nora trapped us she was like, depressed or something?

Carly: Yeah, well I was bummed when I didn't get asked to junior prom, but did I lure the cast of 'Full House' into my basement and torture Uncle Jessie!

T-Bo: Man, I'm so dang sick of this!

Carly: What are you doing?

T-Bo: Putting on a suit so I can go home.

Spencer: Dude, you don't have to keep pretending to be Mr. Perfect for Freddie's mom.

Freddie: Yeah, he does!

T-Bo: See!

Freddie: If my mom sees how T-Bo really is she's never gonna let him stay in our house! [turns to face T-Bo who looks offended] No offence.

T-Bo: Oh I'm not offended. I feel all warm inside knowing that your mom would be disgusted if she knew the real me.

Freddie: It's not that it's... yeah it's that.

T-Bo: Haha [sarcastically] That's nice, let's all just pretend that T-Bo doesn't have feelings. [walks out of the Shay apartment]

Gibby: Hey Teebs, wanna see what I got?

T-Bo: Not really!

Gibby: Gibbaaaayyy!

Freddie: Hellooooo.

Sam: Gibaloni.

Carly: Where've you been?

Gibby: The mall! With my head up inside something for almost two hours!

Sam: Please say it was a horse.

Gibby: Uh, nope. Haha. But it was inside this really cool machine, that made... this! [gets out a fake version of his own head]

Sam: Oh my god!

Spencer: No!

Carly: Woah!

Gibby: It's an exact replica of my own head!

Sam: What does it do?

Gibby: Blow minds! Look awesome!

Carly: Wasn't it expensive?

Gibby: Oh yeah!

Sam: Where'd you get the money?

Gibby: From that diaper commercial I did.

Carly: Oh yeah.

Gibby: Are your feet in milk?

Spencer: Yep.

Gibby: [moves a milk carton of the coach and sits down next to Spencer] I love that.

Carly: Hey, did you see the email we got about freaky Nora?

Gibby: Yeah, it's nice that they're letting her out.

Carly: What?! K, what is the matter with everyone?! That girl kidnapped us and beat the fudge out of you!

Gibby: Look, I'm forgiving, and I like chinese food. That's who I am. [lifts up his dummy head] That's who we are. [nods both his real and fake head]

Carly: Well sorry, but we're all going to that parole hearing, and we're all gonna tell the judge that Nora needs to be kept in prison.

Gibby: [Sniffs his fake head] Ummm, I love that new head smell.

Judge Moyle: Alright; Nora Dershlit, you may speak on your own behalf.

Nora: Thank you judge Moyle. [sits down] The word 'sorry' doesn't even begin to express how terrible I feel for.. for what I did to the iCarly's. People who I only wanted to respect me, [Gibby begins to get out his fake head but Sam then makes him put it away] to like me, and to except me as a person and a chicken lover. I'm not worthy of freedom, I deserve to rot in my cell. It's, not a joyful life but, not much worse than the life I used to have. At least now I'm surrounded by other prisoners so, in a way, I finely have friends. Oh, I'm sorry mom and dad!

[Nora's mother beging to cry]

Judge Moyle: The victims will now have a chance to speak.

Carly: Thank you Judge. [turns to Nora] Look Nora. What you did was- [Nora's mother interrupts with her crying] Without.. without consequences- [Nora interrupts with a guilty noise] A person never learns- [Nora interrupts once again with a gulity noise] Oh, just let her go, let her go! [Hugs Sam and starts crying]

Sam: Shhh, it's ok, shut up, shut up. [tries to comfort Carly]

Gibby: [Get's his head out once again and shoves it in a lady's face] Wanna smell my head?

Judge Moyle: Nora Dershlit. Trapping the stars of a webshow in your basement, is a serious crime. But since your victims- [stops after noticing Gibby's fake head] What is that?!

Gibby: Oh, haha. This is an exact replica of my head! Is it blowing your mind?

Judge Moyle: Yes. [gets back on subject] Nora. These nice iCarly kids have forgiven you for what you did. And since your life up to this point has been truly.. pathetic, this court takes pity on you. [clicks his pen and starts writing] Nora Dershlit is hereby granted parole, to be immediately released, to the custody of her parents.

Nora's Parents: Oh, thank goodness! Yes!

Judge Moyle: Balif, remove her handcuffs.

[Nora's handcuffs are removed and she kisses her mom and dad.]

Nora: Oh, you guuyyyss! [rushes over and hugs the iCarly gang]

iCarly gang: Yayyy... [sarcastically]

Nora: Oh, I dunno what to say! After what I did to you iCarly's on my 16th birthday, you came all the way here today and helped me regain my freedom!

Freddie: Oh, you don't have to thanks us.

Carly: We're just happy you're a better person now.

Nora: Oh I am, I know I am!

Nora's Mother: Come on Nora. We have a surprise Norwegian supper waiting for you back at home.

Sam: Yep. Hey Nora, remember when your clown had an aneurism, or should I say, clownurism?

Nora: Yes, poor Cramps!

Nora's Mother: Ok kids, we don't need to talk about that terrible day! Not when we have this beautiful buffet of Norwegian foods. [brings everyone round the table of food, and takes of the foil from the food]

Freddie: Yeahh, what exactly are, 'Norwegian Foods'?

Nora's Mother: Well, we have lutefisk.

Sam: Lutefisk?

Nora: It's dry cod fish soaked in lie solution for several days.

Gibby: That's nauseating.

Nora: Nauseatingly delicious!

Nora's Mother: And then we have warm tongue with flan.

Nora: Oooo! And about desert?

[Nora's mother takes of the foil of the desert]

Nora: [gasps] Beef cookies and cream! [gasps again]

[Freddie looks disgusted whilst getting out his phone]

Sam: Ok, [picks up a lutefisk] even I can't eat this chiz! [and throws it back down again disgusted]

Freddie: Hey, there's no way we're gonna make the last train back to Seattle.

Carly: I'll just text Spencer and tell him to come pick us up. [gets out her phone and texts Spencer] "Hey, pick us up from Nora's at about nine o'clock-"

Nora: Try this monkfish liver! [shoves a plate of Norwegian food in Sam and Carly's faces]

[Sam stands there with a disgusted look on her face]

Carly: "..or sooner."

[Everyone's sat down eating]

Freddie: And, what kind of cream is this?

Nora's Mother: It's made from pig's milk.

Sam: I'm done. [puts her plate down.]

Freddie: Well, that's enough of that. [also putting his plate down]

Gibby: [still eating the cream] I love pig's milk. I love it right from the pig.

[Doorbell rings]

Carly: Oh, that must be Spencer.

Nora: I'll fetch him. [gets up and opens the front door]

Spencer: Hi, I'm Spencer Shay. Uh, I know we just met but I drank a double big chug on the up way here and if I don't hit a bathroom in the next 30 seconds-!

Nora: Of course! Mother, would you please show Spencer to our best toilet?

Nora's Mother: Certainly. [grabs Spencer and brings him inside] We just got a new one downstairs; it's comfort height.

Spencer: Any toilet would be fine.

Nora's Mother: Come with me.

[Nora's mother takes Spencer down into the basement]

[The other's begin picking up their belongings ready to leave]

Carly: Well Nora, thanks so much for the awesome Norwegian supper.

Sam: Yeah, I guess I've had worse dinners.

Nora: Awww, you're all so welcome.

Gibby: Love the beef cookies.

Freddie: And, congrats on getting released from prison.

Nora: [gives a thumbs-up] Thank you!

Carly: Okay, I guess this is goodbye.

Nora: Oh, no it's not.

Freddie: Yeah, we really have to get back.

Nora: Yeah, well, you're not gonna.

[Nora's mother locks the door to the door to the basement and joins the others.]

Sam: Uh, what are you talking about?

Nora's Mother: You children are going to be here for quite a while.

Nora: Yes, you will. [Nora and her mother both turn their heads to Carly quickly at the same time.] I know you will.

Carly: [throws down her bag and tries to open the front door] It's locked.

Sam: Move. [also tries to open the door] Unlock it Nora!

Nora: No!

Freddie: [to Gibby] The windows!

[Freddie and Gibby rush to the windows and try to open them]

Nora's Mother: I don't think you'll be able to get them open either.

Sam: I know how to get a window open.

[Sam walks over to a wooden chair and smashes it against a window and watched it fall to pieces.]

Nora: All the windows have been replaced with Maxi Glass.

Nora's Mother: They're quite unbreakable.

Sam: Yeah? [picks up a piece of broken chair] Well I bet your faces aren't made out of Maxi Glass?

Carly: Get 'em Sam!

[Sam rushes over towards Nora and her mother]

Nora: [quickly] Wow Carly, I thought you cared about your brother?!

Carly: Sam wait!

[Sam stops still]

Carly: What are you talking about?

Nora: My new favourite television programme. [walks over towards the TV]

Gibby: "Jiggin' The Fat Man"?

Nora: No. Wheel of... [turns on TV]

Spencer: Carly!!

Nora: ...Spencer!

Carly: Spencer, Spencer! Where are you?!

Freddie: He's in the basement!

[Carly and Freddie rush over to the basement door and try to open it.]

Carly: Spencer!

Nora's Mother: I'm afraid the door to the basement is, quite locked.

Nora: And if Sam or, any of you try to harm me or my mother, this is what will happen.

[Spencer starts spinning on the wheel]

Spencer: What, what's happening? I'm rotating! Help! Carly! And I still have to pee!

Carly: He never told our dad that he dropped out of law school so now he wants to pretend he graduated and that he's a lawyer in a big law firm.

Spencer: [fake laughs] I gotta. You want dad to come home and be disappointed in me?

Carly: He's been disappointed in you since you were 9!

Freddie: Is that when Spencer set that ice-cream truck on fire?

Carly: Yes.

Spencer: It was an accident!

Carly: Accident or not, it out Mr. Creamsteam out of business!

[Gibby lifts up a lid of a box revealing a cake]

Gibby: Woah ho ho, what's this?

Carly: Don't touch it.

Sam: That's her dad's birthday cake.

Carly: Yeah, it's an exact replica of a airforce, F22, fighter jet.

Spencer: Aha! Which I have specially rigged with automatic, self-lighting candles.

Carly: Spencer- [tries to grab the remote off of him]

Spencer: Don' touch me, your dirty. [everyone looks round all confused] When we show dad the cake he say "Well, why aren't the candles lit?" and then Carly will say "Well what do you mean the candles aren't lit?" and then I'll press this button, and-

[The cake explodes everywhere and all over everybody]

Carly: I'll order another cake.

Carly: So.. I'm confused, are we in trouble?

Mrs Obama: No, not at all!

Spencer: She watched iCarly online last week.

Carly: No way!

Freddie: Seriously?!

Sam: For real?!

Mrs Obama: Uh huh, my daughters are big fans and I am too.

T-Bo: [walks through Carly and Spencer's front door] Wait, is she-

Spencer: Close it!

[Carly, Sam and Freddie yell at T-Bo to leave]

[T-Bo quickly leaves]

Sam: So what are you doing here? Um.. your, excellency. [takes a small bow]

Freddie: You don't call her your excellency.

Mrs Obama: No, no, I kinda like it.

[Sam whacks her upper chest at Freddie and he pulls a 'what?!' face back at her]

Mrs Obama: I came here to say, I'm proud of you.

Carly: Why are you proud of us?

Mrs Obama: [points at Carly] Because of how much you care for your father, [then points at Sam and Freddie] and because of what you two did for your friend.

Freddie: You mean, setting up the surprise birthday party on iCarly?

Mrs Obama: Uh huh, my husband and I talk to a lot of people with family in the military.

Spencer: [puts his hands on Mrs Obama's shoulders] Her husband is the president.

[Mrs Obama's bodyguards reach into their pockets as if they're about to pull out guns and begin to make their towards Spencer]

Spencer: Sorry. [takes his hands off Mrs Obama's shoulders and takes a few steps back]

Freddie: Has Sam ever showed up?

Carly: No. Nobody's seen her all day.

Sam: [whispers to Carly and Freddie] Psst! Over here.

[Carly and Freddie head over to Sam]

Carly: Where have you been?!

Sam: Getting stuff. [starts getting things out of her school bag] Here's a wig for you, [puts a wig on Carly's head] and a wig for you. [puts a wig on Freddie's head] Passport for Carly and a passport for this one. [gives them each a passport]

Freddie: What's this stuff for?

Sam: We're blowing this country. We're heading to the airport and buying one-way tickets to Amsterdam.

Carly: Sam.

Sam: Well you wanna stay here in this country and go to Federal Prison for hacking into a secure communications network?!

Freddie: How are we gonna pay for one-way tickets to Amsterdam?!

Sam: Pfft. [gets out a bag of jewelery] I got all my mom's engagement rings. Now let's head into a coin shop turn this bling into cash and get the fugde out of dodge.

Carly: Junior Curnal Carly Shay with a new jet fighter birthday cake requesting permission to land. [shuts the door] Dad is gonna love this, and right after he blows out the candles, Spencer, you and I are gonna give him huge hugs. And Freddie, I want you to get it all on video okay?

[the others look at each other looking upset not knowing what to say next]

Spencer: Um.. [turns to Sam and Freddie]

[Sam and Freddie run out the back door]

Spencer: Weenies!

Carly: Why are they weenies?

Spencer: I dunno, some people are just, born with the weenie gene.

Carly: Okay, something's going on here.

Spencer: Yeah, sit. [he and Carly both sit on the couch] Carly, sometimes, in life-

Carly: I know. A man and a woman fall in love and they get special feelings-

Spencer: No, no. Not that. Dad had a change of plans, and he can't come home right now.

[Drum roll and Sam plays the music and switches the bright blue lights on]

Sam, Freddie, Spencer and Gibby: [sing] Happy Birthday Corneal Shay..

Spencer: DAD!

Sam, Freddie, Spencer and Gibby: ..today's the day that you were born!

Gibby: Gibbay!

Sam, Freddie, Spencer and Gibby: We wish that you could be here with us, cause if you were we'd give you a hug! [shout] Give him a hug! [sing] We bought a cake shaped like a plane aaaannnnnddddd.... payed for it with your credit card! YEAH!! Woo!! Woop!

[Balloons fall from the ceiling]

Sam: C'mon, c'mon, the candles, light them!

Freddie: Yeah, do it!

Spencer: I will now light the candles on 3.. 1-

[The cake blows up everywhere]

Carly's Dad: [types] "Nice work Spencer."

Freddie: Uh guys, I may not be able to hold this connection much longer.

[Carly and Spencer argue on who says goodbye]

Spencer: Just say it!

Carly: Ok, okay! Dad, I really wish we were together, but, this almost feels like we are. Um, I'm really proud of you. Happy Birthday! I love you.

Carly's Dad: [types] "I love you too."

Carly: And I love you guys. [gives Sam and Freddie and hug.]

Freddie: That's it, lost the connection.

[Sam gives Carly a hug]

Spencer: Aw man, there's cake on the ceiling.

Gibby: Where? [cake falls onto his face] Oh, there.

Sam: How can you not be mad?

Carly: Mr. Howard had every right to be mad at me. I was texting in class.

Freddie: But he took your phone?

Carly: He'll give it back.

Freddie and Sam: But-

Carly: Okay, okay. Nothing can out me in a bad mood. You guys hooked me up so I could talk to my dad on his birthday. That's it. Your both gettin' hugs.

Sam and Freddie: Umm, well, no, no-

Carly: No, no c'mon. It's happening, your getting hugs. Your getting a hug. I love you guys. [Sam and Freddie thank her during the hug] I love you.

[The trio walk in to find Spencer sat on the couch joined by agents.]

Spencer: Heeyy.

Carly: Um, who are-

Agent Kinsey: I'm Agent Kinsey, these are Agents Farrow and Morris.

Agent Farrow: We're with the United States Secret Service.

Spencer: Heeyy.

Agent Kinsey: This is about your recent webcast.

Agent Farrow: To a secure military base over-seas.

[The three of them look very worried]

Spencer: Heeyy.

[The agents are investigating the apartment.]

Carly: I don't understand this.

Agent Kinsey: Just relax Ma'am.

Spencer: How can we relax when 3 secret service agents are tearing our apartment to pieces?!

Agent Farrow: We're just checking your place out.

Sam: Why?!

Agent Farrow: Let's just say that your recent iCarly webcast caught the attention of someone very high up in the US Government.

Sam: Oh great!

Freddie: [tries to confort Sam] Stay calm.

Sam: I can't stay calm! I promised my mom I wouldn't cause any more trouble with the US Government!

Sam: Send them on a trip down to my stomach, and I think we all know what would have happened to them after that.

Carly: [banging on a metal pole with the shower head] Help! Heelpp! Ausie Stance! Anyone?! Please! A cute boy is gonna be here any minute and I'm all wrinkled like an elderly raisin!! Urgh, this day could not get worse.

Mrs Benson: [walks into Carly's bathroom] Urgh, it's you!

Carly: Mrs Benson!

Mrs Benson: Will you stop banging and screaming? I heard you all the way from my apartment.

Carly: That was the point.

Mrs Benson: Oh, [gasps] You bathe in your sweatshirt too? I thought I was the only one.

Carly: I don't bathe in my sweatshirt, I got my toe stuck in the fauset.

Mrs Benson: How?

Carly: I saw some dumb person do it on the 'Dick Van Dike' show. C'mon, could you please just help me get it out?

Mrs Benson: [under her breath] Alright. I'll give it a yank. [sits down on the bath tub] Ready?

Carly: Okay, just be really careful ok-

Mrs Benson: [yanking on Carly's foot] Argh!

Carly: Ow!

Mrs Benson: Argh!

Carly: Oww!

Mrs Benson: Argh!

Carly: Owww!

Mrs Benson: Argh!

Carly: Ow!

Mrs Benson: Am I hurting you?

Carly: No I love it!!

[Carly's date walks in]

Lance: Hey, everything alright?

Carly: [shocked] Lance!

Lance: Sorry, I heard screaming so I thought I should come up?

Mrs Benson: [holding pepper spray] Put you hands down!

[Lance lowers his hands]

Mrs Benson: Who's the boy?

Carly: My date.

Lance: [to Carly in a quite flirty voice] Hey.

Carly: [trying to act flirty in the bath tub] Heeyy.

Sam: Blah blah blah blaaaaahh.

Spencer: I know you have a crush on me.

Sam: What?!

Spencer: Nothing.

[On a flight to Hong Kong with an airplane landing at Kai Tak Airport]

Announcement: Thank you for flying Air Malaysia. We'll be landing shortly.

Sam: [Inside the backpack] Freddie! Spencer! Gibby! Are we still in Canada???

T-Bo: Well, all right. (crosses his arms, wobbles his head and the scene cuts to him massaging Sam's shoulders as music plays.)

Sam: Yeah-hah, now this is a party! (everyone cheers, and Sam and Spencer hi-five)

Carly: Except wait. There's no party bush!

Spencer: Yeah.

Freddie: Whoa whoa whoa, I am NOT partying without a party bush.

Carly: It's okay.

Freddie: No! I want a party bush. (Carly is trying to talk over him) I can't have a party without-there's no party without the party bush! I gotta have the party bush. (Carly walks up to him and grabs his arm) If I don't have the-whooo! I feel weird! (starts to slowly fall to the floor) I-I need a party bush. I need a-something-I need a party bush. I need a party bush.

Spencer: Uh, T-Bo...will you blink us a party bush already?

T-Bo: Hold on...i'm blinking. (crosses his arms and wags his head at them. A party bush appears and the others cheer)

Freddie: Okay. Now what do we do?

Carly: Uh, we just hang out and talk about stuff that happened to us in the past.

Spencer: You know, I sure like that web show you kids do, iCarly.

[The three of them thank him]

Sam: Hey Carls, remember why we came up with the idea to do iCarly?

Carly: Yeah. It's cause Ms. Briggs said we-

Sam: Whoa hey! Sshhhh! Let's just, think back on it.

Carly: Riiigghtt.

Spencer: Can we, all think back on it together?

Carly: Yeah sure.

Sam: Um, let's see. Carly and I were at school.

[Everyone looks up for a flashback]

[flashback]

Ms. Briggs: Yes, and I imagine you'll even be sorryer after I grade your next exams.

Carly: Uh, Ms. Briggs.

Mrs Briggs: What!

Carly: I typed up a list of all the kids we think should be in the talent show. [hands Ms. Briggs the list]

Ms. Briggs: Snorting milk, pogo-stick hopping? These aren't talents!

Sam: They were the most fun kids to watch.

Ms. Briggs: Goodbye. [begins to walk out]

Carly: Wait! So you're not gonna let any of the kids we picked be in the show?

Ms. Briggs: That's right, girls. [begins to walk out again]

[There's a sudden whirling noise and a bright light, to which Spencer dressed as Ms. Briggs appears in the middle of the school hallway.]

Fake Ms. Briggs: I am the real Ms. Briggs from an alternate universe.

Carly: Woah.

Sam: Holy chiz.

Ms Briggs: You fool. [walks over to the fake Ms. Briggs] If our energies collide, it will cause an explosion of galactic magnatude!

Fake Ms. Briggs: Scared Ms. Briggs?!

Ms. Briggs: I'm not scared of you!

[They both make noises and jump round in a circle before beginning to attack]

Carly: No don't!

Sam: Don't touch each other!

[Both Ms. Briggs touch and they beginning shaking and light appears around them]

Sam: [to everyone] Hit the floor!

[Everyone gets down on the floor, both Ms. Briggs carry on shaking more and more and the eventually blow up]

[Both Carly and Sam get up and walk over to the bright orange mark left on the floor whilst also coughing because of the smoke]

Carly: Wow.

Sam: Yeah.

[School bell rings]

Carly: Hey we should start a web show.

Sam: Okay, what will we call it?

[Freddie runs in]

Freddie: How about "iCarly"?

Carly and Sam: Okay!

Freddie: Yeah!

[A dog randomly in the school hallway barks, and so the three of them turn to it]

Carly: Oh Sparky.

[All three of them laugh]

[They all freeze, then Freddie quickly itches his nose and then freezes again]

[after flashback]

Freddie: Aww, I'd forgotten about old Sparky.

Spencer: Well, he's never far from our hearts.

Carly: Cause his head's always right there on our wall.

[They all look up to at Sparky's head on the wall.]

Sparky: Woof woof, woof woof!

Spencer: Sttaaayyy.

Sparky: Woof!

Spencer: Stay boy.

[Sparky stops barking]

Spencer: Good Sparky!

Carly: Hey, what time is it? (Gibby can be seen sneaking up from behind with a stop sign)

Spencer: (grabs his PearPhone) Looks like it is about... (Gibby smacks him with the sign and laughs)

Gibby: APRIL FOOLS!

Spencer: DUDE!

Sam: Quit whacking Spencer in the head and go get me some fried chicken.

Carly: Sam, how can you eat chickens? Don't you remember little Pouchy?

Sam: Pouchy? Oh wait, yeah, I think I do remember him. From uh, from-

Carly: The past?

Sam;: Riigght, the past. He was one of those six little chicks we saved.

Freddie: Oh I remember that day!

Sam: Um hum.

[Everyone looks up for a flashback]

Spencer: [turns to a woman with a harp in the kitchen] Play the harp.

[She plays the harp and Spencer looks up again with the others.

[flashback]

[Sam and Carly walk out of the elevator worried, but then start to hear the baby chick]

Sam and Carly: Ahhh!

[They both run back into the elevator and find Pouchy]

Minko: Ahhhh! You girls are so stupid! [pushes them forward and points to the elevator] There!!! There's Poachy!!! Right there!!! [both girls scream]

Carly: Oh my gosh!

Sam: Poachy!

Carly: No way!

Sam: We found him! [kisses the frame surrounding him]

Carly: Why didn't you tell us he was in here?

Minko: I DID tell you idiots! And nobody better hit me with a stop sign! [Gibby is creeping up on him, and then does just that]

Gibby: [laughs] April Fools! Ha ha.

Carly: Gibby!

Sam: Dude, that's not how you do an April Fools joke!

Carly: And anyway, you're not even supposed to be in this flashback! ...Great. Minko's unconscious. What do we do with him?

Sam: I'll get the shovel.

Gibby: I'll get the marshmallows.

Gibby: Hey, is anyone hungry? Because I was thinking maybe we could make some spaghetti tacos, maybe a little corn-(Minko, who is sneaking up from behind, hits him with a stop sign)

Minko: APRIL FOOLS TO YOU!!!!! iCarly will be back after these messages. (Sam knocks him out with the shock pen)

Carly: You know, even though Spencer and I have to move out of this apartment tonight, forever, I'm still in a great mood.

Freddie: Oh, when aren't you in a good mood?

Sam: I know right [agreeing with Freddie]

Gibby: Really?

Carly: What?! Sometimes I get in bad moods.

[Sam, Freddie and Gibby agree with her sarcastically]

Spencer: No no no, wait wait wait wait wait. In all fairness, sometimes Carly does get in bad moods.

Freddie: Like when?!

Spencer: Uh, like when the time T-Bo made you those stuffed mushrooms.

[The rest apart from Carly agree with him and laugh]

Carly: Oh c'mon, I wasn't that mad.

Sam: You were pretty mad that day-

Carly: -no [disagreeing with Sam]

[Everyone looks up for a flashback]

[flashback]

[Sam, Freddie, Spencer and Carly are all reading together]

Sam: I just love reading together.

Spencer: Me too.

Freddie: We all do.

[T-Bo walks in]

T-Bo: Hey hey Carly! I made you stuffed mushrooms.

[Carly stands up and slams her book shut]

Carly: WHO CARES?![throws book at T-Bo]

[T-Bo falls to the against the door, Sam, Spencer and Freddie turn to Carly in shocked at the same time and Carly breaths in and out quickly and deeply in rage and anger. Scene cuts to the group in Tori Vega's living room]

Carly: Okay. Okay, I was in kind of a bad mood that day.

Gibby (as Robbie): Kind of?

Freddie: You threw a book at T-Bo.

Spencer: Yeah, and just because he made you some stuffed mushroo-[notices the area they are in] Hey. Uh, hey, wha-

Gibby: (notices he is Robbie) Gibbeh?

Sam: (hesitantly and shocked) When I make it shine...!

[the group all stares straight, then at each other, then straight again]

Spencer: Okay, at what point did I have insanely long hair?

Carly: It was around the time Freddie got hit by that taco truck.

Freddie: And Carly and I kissed.

Sam: And you and I were playing that assassin game.

Carly: 12 million viewers?

Spencer: Carly! You gotta come back with me! [gives Carly her backpack]

Carly: Back where?

Spencer: To a future episode.

Carly: But, I'm supposed to do iCarly stuff tonight with Sam and Freddie.

Spencer: Well, bring them along, this concerns them too! [gives Freddie his camera and Sam her remote]

Sam: Whoa, whoa, wait a second.

Carly: What are you talking about?

Freddie: What happens to us in the future, do we become hobknockers or something?

Spencer: No no, you guys all turn out fine. It's your kids.

Carly: What?!

Freddie: Ninos?!

Sam: What kids?!

Carly: Whos kids?!

Spencer: Um, yours [points to Carly] and his? [points to Freddie] Or his [points to Freddie] and hers, [points to Sam] or hers [points to Sam again] and his, [points to Freddie] I don't remember, but something's gotta be done about your kids!

[Carly walks round the corner with all the luggage, groaning. She drops the bags and leans against Freddie's front door, but the door opens and she falls in and screams. She gets up, still groaning and closes the door]

Spencer: How you doing?

Carly: [Throws a hat on the floor] I'm sick and dying! Urgh!

Spencer: Maybe I should take you to a doctor.

Carly: No. [Starts picking all the bags back up] no, just, open our door so I can just, go in there and be alone.

[Spencer opens the front door]

[Sam, Freddie, Gibby and T-Bo are all hanging out in their apartment]

Spencer: Hey! Heyy!!

[They all say hi]

Carly: [walks in to find Sam, Freddie, Gibby and T-Bo partying in the apartment] What is going on here?

Carly: If your mom opens the door then that crazy killing machine's gonna focus on her, and then Spencer can run over and unplug it!

Spencer: Oh, that's good!

Freddie: No! I don't want my mom to get blasted in the face and torso with popcorn kernels!

Carly: Oh, why not?

Spencer: She's so irritating! It'll just be for a second 'til I unplug it.

Freddie: (sighs) Alright, fine! Do it!

Spencer: (yelling) Okay, Mrs. Benson, I found my pants! C'mon in!

(Mrs. Benson opens the door and walks into the apartment)

Mrs. Benson: What is going on in here?

Alarm Bot: (focuses on Mrs. Benson) Tracking intruder.

Mrs. Benson: I do not apperciate all of the noise that's been coming from... AAH!

(the Alarm Bot starts shooting Mrs. Benson with popcorn kernels. She is backed up against her door in the hallway)

Freddie: (to Spencer) GO!

Carly: Go unplug it!

Spencer: Yeah, I'll go!

(Spencer runs over to the outlit where the Alarm Bot is plugged in to. He starts pulling at the plug, but it dosen't come out. Mrs. Benson shouts as the Alarm Bot countinues to pelt her with popcorn kernels)

Freddie: Hurry up!

Carly: Unplug it!

Spencer: I AM TRYING! (Spencer pulls the outlit out of the wall, still not unplugging the Alarm Bot) Oh, my gosh!

Freddie: Dude!

Carly: What?!

(Spencer still struggles with unplugging the Alarm Bot. Mrs. Benson keeps shouting as the Alarm Bot countinues to pelt her)

Freddie: Get it out!

Mrs. Benson: What's happening?! What am I being pelted with?!

(the Alarm Bot is begining to run out of popcorn kernels. Spencer is still trying to unplug it)

Freddie: What are you doing?

Carly: Come on!

(the Alarm Bot fires at Mrs. Benson a few more times before finally running out of popcorn kernels and stopping)

Alarm Bot: Empty.

Spencer: (finally pulls the plug out of the outlet) GOT IT! (raises his arms victoriously in the air) YEAH!

Spencer: I tried so hard to put the fire out myself, but it just kept getting bigger and bigger and... [Chief Donker pushes him down] What are you doing? Why are you... You're pushing me... I... Oh... What is he... Ah! I see it. Okay.

Carly: Chief Donker, we really appreciate you coming here. Again.

Chief Donker: Thanks. You're a nice girl. I'll miss you.

Carly: Yeah, well-wait. What do you mean you'll miss me?

Chief Donker: I mean, the Fire Department is done with you people.

Spencer:(tries to get up) Done? I don't understan-

Chief Donker: GET BACK DOWN! (he does)

Spencer: Ah!

Carly: Um, can you explain...

Chief Donker: Do you know how many times your brother has accidentally started fires?

Carly: I don't know. Many.

Fireman: 18!

Spencer: 17!

Chief Donker: What about this one?!

Spencer: Oh, yeah, 18, if you count this one.

Chief Donker: Come on everybody, we're done here.

Carly: But--

Chief Donker: Forever.

Carly: But you're the Fire Department, You can't not come here if we have a fire!

Chief Donker: You watch us not come here.

Carly: No, but... Would you... No just please, what... I'm an honor student! [Door slams, Spencer tries to get up again] Get back down!

Spencer: Aw!

Carly: Can you help me? No one else is available.

Trey: Sure.

Carly: Awesome.

Carly: So. [Lightly turns his head towards her] Sooo. [Trying to be flirty]