Friday, October 23, 2009

Stuff My Mom Says

I spent last week in Salt Lake City with my Mom and her two sisters, Eleanor and Irene. My Mom is 80, Eleanor is 76 and Irene is 72. I got to see a few friends while I was there, as well, but most of my time was spent with my Mom and my two aunts. Truth be told, I had a GREAT time! There is something pretty dang fun about hearing about all those family secrets, I guess.

Even more fun is listening to some of the funny things my Mom comes up with. I’ve probably told you that she suffers from a type of dementia that sometimes makes it hard for her to remember specific words or put together sentences as easily as she once did. I kinda suspect, however, that she knows exactly what she’s doing and uses it as an excuse to say whatever she wants.

In any event, the things she said struck me as so funny that I began to tweet about them and post them to Facebook as well. So, here are some of the things I sent out last week to let the world know how funny my Mom is – with a few other random thoughts along the way . . .

Saturday, October 10th:* From the Portland Airport: WHAT?!?!? Delta charges $20 for EVERY BAG you check? Not even ONE free? Screw health care! Congress needs to deal with this issue NOW!

Sunday, October 11th: * Stuff my Mom says: (While watching football - against her will) “Is that what your son does?" "No Mom. Jeremy is a basketball coach."

Monday, October 12th:* Stuff my Mom says: (After my Aunt Irene turns on a small indoor water fountain) "Who's peeing? * Stuff my Mom says: "Do you have a girlfriend here?" Me: "No Mom, I don't have a girlfriend in Utah or anywhere else, for that matter."

Thursday, October 15th: * Stuff my Mom says: (after picking up a piece of French toast she accidentally dropped on the floor) "Does anyone want this?" * Stuff My Mom Says: (Special "Mom laughing after she stuck her tongue out at me for taking her picture" edition") * Stuff my Mom says: "When we were growing up my sisters and I were all swingers . . . er, I mean singers!" * Stuff my Mom says: (Me) "Dad fell for you because of a picture of your sister, Clara, holding a huge salmon that you said was YOU?" "Yes." NOTE: Below is a picture of my grandpa and my aunt Clara, from when she was in high school. She was just two years younger than my Mom and looked a lot like her, so I can see why my Dad might have mistaken her for my Mom. My Mom, on the other hand, was apparently some kind of scheming , man-hungry, manipulator!* Stuff my Mom says - special Aunt Irene edition: "Billie you could have your marriage annulled for getting married under false pretenses!" * Stuff my Mom says: "Then there Hollis. His wife died and he was looking for a new husband." "Really Mom?" "No, I mean, you know - a her!"

Friday, October 16th:* Stuff my Mom says: (after telling about some incident where I did something stupid) "I'll never forgive, I mean forget you for that* Stuff my GRANDMA said: "If I had gotten divorced I wouldn't have fought for the children." (As a mother of 12 it's kinda understandable!) * Stuff my Mom says: "I was so surprised to find out I wasn't normal." * Stuff my Mom says: "It's 'you're smarter than I' not 'you're smarter than ME.'" (Once an English major, always an English major!)

Saturday, October 17th:* Stuff my Mom says: "What's happening?" "The TSA picked you for screening 'cuz no one looks more like a terrorist than an 80 year old woman." NOTE: Yep, that’s right. As we’re going through the airport screening process in Salt Lake City, they singled out my Mom for additional screening! We were escorted into a room where they frisked her from head to toe, looked through her purse and asked her some questions to make sure that (at 80 years of age, suffering from dementia and riding in a wheelchair) she didn’t have some plastic explosives or a box cutter that she could have used to overpower the flight crew and take over the plane. (Thankfully they never found the Glock she had concealed in a holster on her right leg.)