gags

All posts tagged gags

Further to the last posting I noticed a follow-up piece in the i newspaper by Alice Jones listing her favourite 50 jokes from the Edinburgh fringe. So many good ones and maybe the best is last? Enjoy….

1 Two flies are playing football in a saucer. One says to the other, “Make an effort, we’re playing in the cup tomorrow.” Tommy Tiernan

2 Dominatrixes certainly are some rude people. You’d think for that price they could afford a little kindness. Sarah Ranken

3 Joan Rivers got exactly what she wanted from that last surgery – to stop ageing. So why are we sad? Katherine Ryan

28 In America it is so hard for white women to go to jail. So they made a whole television show about the one time it happened. Jena Friedman
29 My dad’s a real family man – he’s got three of them. Steve Bugeja

30 My boyfriend and I used to argue over the duvet. I liked to sleep all stretched out like a starfish and he liked to sleep with a blonde lady called Leanne. Laura Lexx

31 My mother wears the burqa – mainly because she doesn’t want to be seen with my dad. Shazia Mirza

32 Recently in court, I was found guilty of being egotistical. I am appealing. Stewart Francis

33 My skin is the biggest organ of my body, despite what stereotypes would lead you to believe. Dane Baptiste

34 Where does Mark Antony get his hair cut? In-a-barbus. Kieran Hodgson

35 If you don’t know what introspection is – you need to take a long, hard look at yourself. Ian Smith

36 Did you know if you count the number of stars in the universe and compare that to the number of grains of sand on a beach, you can ruin a holiday? Tom Neenan

37 Why are disabled toilets big enough to run around in? Lost Voice Guy

38 I was really disappointed that Kayne West and Kim Kardashian didn’t call their new kid Wicky Wicky Wicky Wild Wild. Mark Nelson

39 Went to my allotment and found that there was twice as much soil as there was the week before. The plot thickens. Darren Walsh

40 The Bible would have been so different if Adam and Eve had simply decided to buy a PC instead. Keith Farnan

41 Whenever I’m on a date with a girl I tell her she has an amazing laugh to trick her into thinking she’s been laughing a lot. Adam Hess

42 “Son, I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime.” “Was it something I said?” asks the son. “Yes.” Damien Slash