Marijuana Sucks

Why do you want to smoke weed? Why do you want so much to get stoned? What’s so precious about this CRIME you’re committing? DRINK! It’s legal! It’s good for you! Look around! Everyone’s doing it! Why do you want to be so DIFFERENT?

I don’t know why you want to smoke weed when you can totally have a ton of fun legally. I mean alcohol tastes real good, doesn’t it? That’s what I thought when I first tasted it. Just think about all the fun you can have and all the mistakes you can do when you’re drunk! It’s your doorway to complete freedom! All you have to say next morning is “Man am I hung over! I hope I didn’t do anything stupid!” And lo and behold you can get away with robbing a museum or taking a dump in the kitchen sink! When it’s legal to be irresponsible, fucking make as much use of it I say! Alcohol is wonderful! I don’t see why you have to smoke weed and start THINKING or enjoying conversation or looking at colorful things or enjoying the taste of food or laughing till it hurts. I don’t know why you want to stop and wonder about so many deep things and reflect on the beauty of existence when you can get WASSTTEEEEED TONIGHT! Yeah!

I mean, think about it. I can drink as much as I want, pick a fight with anyone I want, be indifferent, insensitive, obnoxious, thoughtless, and numb to reality; while driving (of course), and no one’s gonna judge me like they judge you. I feel much better the next morning when I remember who I made out with at the bar. Did I really eat that guy’s hair? How is my ankle so sore? Did someone really piss on the pizza guy? How come I don’t remember any of this? What the fuck is this headache? Oh yeah. I remember! I was having a fucking RAGER! Why can’t you stoners just learn how to have a good time? Look at me! Look at how much fun I’m having! See how society wants me to have all this fun! It’s great!

I don’t know how you could spend a Friday night smoking weed when you can go to the bars or hit up a club to and bounce to the rhythm of the bass every weekend. Damn I wish that bass went on forever! Why do you guys just want to sit and talk? Why do you wanna jam and play music yourselves when you can have someone else do that for you? Why do you wanna sit around and write poetry or enjoy nature or philosophize or laugh about silly things like alpacas and butt plugs? Don’t you know how to have a good time? Do you think what you’re doing is healthy for you? Do you think it’s responsible to be breaking the law? Your weed will ruin you I say.