A teacher forwarded this list of comments from test papers, essays,
etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior
high, high school, and college students. As she noted, "It is truly
astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the
pressures of time and grades."
"The body consists of three parts - the branium, the borax, and the
abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains
the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of
which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."
"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free
state."
"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."
"To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."
"When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin.
Hydrogin is gin and water ."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then
expectoration."
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead
of the bull."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them
perspire."
"A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and
the outsides have been take n off. The purpose of the skeleton is
something to hitch meat to."
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two
molars, and eight cuspidors ."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends
towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature
abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it
is."
"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative
or negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart
stops."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not
recovered, then kill it."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your
throat."
"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
"For fainting: Rub the person's chest, or, if a lady, rub her arm above
the hand instead. Or put th e head between the knees of the nearest
medical doctor."
"To prevent contraception, use a condominium."
Darran Gibbons
Trainee Technician
Kingston University