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All posts for the month October, 2016

In 1 Samuel 10 Saul is anointed as King of Israel and oh what a joyous occasion this is. God has chosen him as King over the people and he is officially announced in chapter 11. Then a lot of stuff happens where Saul is disobedient, arrogant, prideful and breaks Priest laws (read Chapters 10-14 for all the juicy details) so we get to chapter 15 and God has had enough. Verse 10 states ‘I regret I have made him king for he has turned away from me and not carried out the Lord’s instructions’.

And this is where we pick up. The Sovereign God that we serve loves us so much that he has created a plan for our lives. But in that love, He still gives us the choice to choose His plan over our own. He will not force His will on us, even we He knows our own plans will get us rejected. He is there to pick up the pieces, IF we return to Him. If not, we are replaced.

Many of you have been following my #ivewaitedforyou story, the fairytale reality of the guy I was dating, how we met and the journey of our romance. One thing that I didn’t plan for, or that you could never seen as a twist, was if he said ‘no’. If he refused the plan, and instead chose something else. At this point, I thought about doubting and saying ‘maybe I heard the Lord wrong,’ ‘Maybe my will was stronger than God’s in my life and he wasn’t God’s choice, but my own.’ I could say all of that, but it wouldn’t be true.

I did hear God. Distinctly. But I didn’t factor in his choice. I never thought that he wouldn’t be on the same page as me, that he wouldn’t want the same things I did. But, if I were honest I would say that there were warning signs. Throughout 1 Samuel 10-14, there are several indicators that Saul is not on the right track, that something is off, but yet he keeps going down the path of destruction. Samuel actually rebukes Saul in Chapter 13, but doesn’t reject him. I had this moment a couple of months ago where there were indicators that he was no longer who I thought was ‘it’, but I was already invested. I had made a decision and I wanted to honor it, even though I could feel it slipping away. I had lost my peace, one of the most important elements in the pursuit of a relationship.

Then a friend asked me a question that shook me to my core: ‘Are you fighting so hard for this because it’s what you really want or are you fighting so hard because you want to avoid going through what you will have to, if you let it go?’ Was I staying because it was easier than letting go and having to deal with the questions, hurt, disappointment and feelings of rejection? At that moment, I knew the answer.

He was my imagined best. He was what I had been waiting for, but I realized that I had been waiting for the wrong thing. Have you ever been in a line and when you get all the way to the front, you are told that you have been in the wrong line all this time, and what you actually need can’t be found there? You waited, only to realize that what you were waiting for, wasn’t what you thought it was. He was what I wanted, but not what I needed. I couldn’t see that, so God exposed both his and my heart issues, to get to the conclusion that this wasn’t working.

In Mark Batterson’s book, The Circle Maker – he tells the story of a Sage named Honi that prayed for rain in a drought. He drew a circle and prayed with authority only born from a belly-deep relationship for rain to come. It started to drizzle and he refined his prayer to ask for rain that would meet the needs caused by the drought. It started hailing, and he refined his prayer even more to model the Lord’s grace and favor – a consistent, steady downpour of refreshing. He prayed, God met the need and he realized that God rewards specific prayers. #ivewaitedforyou needed to be refined. I wasn’t specific enough so I got an answer but it turned out to not be what I needed. I have now sifted my request and it is now #iveprayedforyou. I spent time waiting in the wrong line, only to realize it was no longer what I needed. The one that comes, will be an answered prayer not just the end of the line.

It’s hard to accept a no, when I first heard a yes. Today, I choose to trust Christ and follow peace. I know what I heard and what I wanted, but I also know that there is no longer peace there. The strength is in me now realizing that my needs weren’t being met, and walking away. I realize that if it started this way, it wouldn’t get better, I would just get more tolerant. This would become my normal. But I am no longer that girl. I fought too hard to get out of that mentality and NO ONE will ever take me back there. It was time to choose me. So I chose to walk away, tears streaming but shoulders lifted. You can’t fight if the person won’t even get in the ring. And there is no point fighting, if you no longer desire the win.

The hope is in Chapter 16. Samuel is mourning over Saul and God gut-punches him. “Why are you crying over someone I have rejected? Get up, wash your face – pop your curls and your lip gloss, and be on your way. The King that will fight for you and not with you, the Priest that has been praying for you, not just waiting on you, the Kinsman Redeemer that is waiting to restore your heart – is being prepared for you.” (my interpretation of God’s oration).

God thank you. I want what you have for me. I trust your promise. I’ll get through the pain. I’ll survive the struggle of starting over. And I will love. Stronger. Better. Right.

One Day My Prince Will Come. And I will be ready…

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2 weeks. I took a moment to unplug to recharge, and I didn’t know how much I needed it. I equate it to being dehydrated but never knowing it until you taste water again. I was running on empty, operating on fumes, even though I was spending time with the Lord daily.

How did I get here?

Why was I staying here?

My time with God had become routine. Every morning between 5:00 and 5:30 am, I awoke with a desire and hunger to meet with My Father, but I realized that I was showing up to the table, but not really being present. It had become one of those family dinners, that everyone HAS TO attend, but no one really wants to be there, so you sit and eat without talking, waiting for the moment that it’s ok to leave without seeming rude. This was what my quiet time had unknowingly become. I have been reading through the Old Testament this year, and I realized on one day, while surrounded by my Concordance, Bible Dictionary, Commentary and Bible, that I was not growing. I was coming to the table, but not eating. I never meant to be here, but somehow this is where I woke up.

The operative words are I.WOKE.UP. And once I realized what was happening, I refused to stay there. I had to do something different. So I took a break from my social media, and I fell back in love with My Savior. It is possible to feed everyone around you, while starving yourself. I had begun to get a Word, so that I could give it away, all the while never stopping to get refueled myself. I would hear a Word and immediately think, ‘This is for somebody’, so I would post it on Social Media and someone always remarked how this was exactly what they needed to hear. But during the past two weeks, every Word has been for me. Every unmasked spiritual truth, every revealed revelation, every divine manna word – has been for me. It wasn’t meant for me to share, it was meant for me to be Mary and just glean at the Master’s feet. Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good…I.AM.SO.FULL. The journey of this time away has been a start of unexpected prayers and indescribable blessings.

During this time, due to some overactive imagination ‘mind monsters’ and miscommunications, I had to refocus on Christ and take my hands and expectations off of my budding relationship. After my broken engagement, I made a covenant with the Lord that never again would I place a man in His place, never again would I idolize a relationship, and never would I place faith in a man that should only be placed in Christ. We serve a jealous God and He takes His covenants seriously. So unbeknownst to me, He orchestrated it in such a way that I would keep this vow to Him. He gut-punched, open palm slapped me. The blow stung so much that my eyes smarted, but that pain was so far outweighed by the glory of realizing where my wide open nose was taking me. I was heading down a path that I vowed I wouldn’t go again, and because God will sometimes, most times, save us from ourselves, He set a roadblock there. The Bible says, “A prudent person foresees danger and takes precautions. The simpleton goes blindly on and suffers the consequences.”

Aren’t you tired of being the simpleton? Aren’t you tired of praying a prayer for God’s will and then getting upset when Christ has to demolish your own, just to get you to recognize His? I know I am. I can’t pray for God to use me for His glory, to have His way in my life, and to direct my path – and then get up, dust off my knees, and go on about my day according to my will. No more.

I realized that I was placing expectations on something that hadn’t solidified in the foundation to sustain them. I was saying I wanted this to be different, but I was unknowingly treating it the same way. I was approaching it the way I approached every other relationship, yet praying for God to do something different. Insanity. But the beautiful thing about unplugging your flesh, is the recharge your Spirit gets. His Word is a lamp unto my feet. HE reminded me to forget the former things (the old ways that I approached relationships, the former ways in which I would determine if this guy was ‘the one’), and to recognize the new thing springing up (to accept pursuit without controlling it, to allow God to speak to him and me, not through me to him).

A friend was God’s mouthpiece and said ‘He can’t hear from God, if he keeps hearing from you’. I was trying to control the dialogue instead of allowing God to dictate. God reminded me that He didn’t need my help in creating the Universe, He shole don’t need my help in orchestrating a relationship. So He removed me from the picture. He froze me out. And he began to speak to his heart as He continued to heal mine. He showed me that if I couldn’t learn to trust him in the little things right now, that I will always second guess him in the big things in our future. God gave me the strength to submit to His Will, yet the freedom to choose my own, then sat back and waited to see which I would choose. Of course, I failed a couple of times- but then I got it right. I surrendered and submitted, and I saw a glimpse of what marriage will look like, IF I allow God to direct it. And just that vision, is enough to tie my will to the altar and pick up His. I can only imagine that love, and now I have the opportunity to experience it.

As I listened to his heartbeat in a hug, this was the conversation shared: