Tuesday, August 08, 2006

You Kill Pigs Day!

It's not everyone who gets paid to do what they love, and you love your job at the slaughterhouse. Unfortunately, it's sentenced you to a rather lonely life because you really don't have any other interests outside of murdering pigs. So when you meet a woman you like, it isn't long before the conversation spooks her.

Sample conversation with a woman you might meet at a tavern or a flea market:

You: I just bought a new Captive Bolt Pistol. Wanna see it?

Woman: What's a Captive Bolt Pistol.

You: I use it to stun the pigs in preparation for slaughter. It basically fires a rod into the skull of the pig, destroying the cerebrum and some of the cerebellum. The concussion causes the pig to lose consciousness. No pain.

Woman: No. I don't want to see your Captive Bolt Pistol.

(Woman walks away quickly)

You: (under your breath) Lesbo.

End of sample conversation with a woman you might meet at a tavern or a flea market.

You've only made love to one woman in the past five years. She cared for you. You courted her and she responded to your gestures and listened attentively to your bloody accounts of what happened at the office that day. You and she spent four glorious months together before she went back to prison (she violated her parole when she was picked up trying to buy some cocaine from an undercover cop at a bluegrass concert). You were willing to wait until she got out again, but her sentence was extended when she got caught setting fire to her cellmate back in 2002.

You wish you could just talk to the pigs. They'd understand you better than any of the women in your town. But you just can't demand that they listen to your problems right before you slice them apart. 'This is their day,' you like to say of the pigs corralled for a day's slaughter.

Tonight, the loneliness is going to be too overwhelming and you're going to force yourself to head out to some bars and try and meet someone new. You've even got a new opening line. It's, 'Someone call the police because you're making my heart beat so fast it needs to be pulled over for speeding. I slaughter pigs for money.'