A Xmas pub crawl seems to have taken over my neighborhood. Hipsters wearing Santa Suits and elf costumes are collecting on street corners. First they fall down drunk then shout to their Mrs Claus counterparts about what bar to hit next. At what point did the youthful scourge of Saint Patrick’s day festivities infiltrate Xmas? What happened to tree trimmings, figgy pudding, peace on earth, good will towards Jews without someplace to go on Xmas eve? Speaking of which, it seems to me an equal opportunity pub crawl would be more fitting for a city that’s hosted the 99% protesters lo these many months. Why not a marauding pack of Maccabees on a tear looking for an oil lamp to fill?

If I were the type to theme crawl, I’d probably go as a latke (an extremely attractive, looks incredibly young for her age latke, mind you). Or maybe I’d get out that gold lamé number that’s been hiding in my closet since the eighties and go as a piece of Hanukkah gelt. (Those are chocolate coins wrapped in gold paper for all you non-jews in the audience.)

I almost wrote Hanukkah guilt just now. Which reminds me, you know it’s time to post when your mother calls to find out what’s going on with the blog.

Recently I’ve been ringing in the holiday season by staying home sick and doing my best to cough up a lung. And since sleeping through the night was difficult it gave me the opportunity to peruse a whole host of advertisements to which I am not normally made privy. (Can I get a show of hands regarding the grammar in that last sentence?)

So what gifts will Santa be leaving under the Hanukkah bush this season you ask?

There was this gem of an ad, for example.

A workout called Insanity with a series of people revealing how after just six minutes they are drowning in a pool of their own sweat. My-oh-my Mr. Adman that does sound insane. With statements like, “10 INSANITY workout discs packed with plyometric drills” I’m sure to be taking the insanity challenge or a nap at some point soon. Certainly flies in the face of the old adage: The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result…

For all you high rollers out there with money clip needs there’s a delightful item called the Broccoli Wad. A high strength rubber silicone band that replaces the money clip, sold by one of the actors from The Sopranos. (I really wish I had made that up.) For you more demure and organic ladies in the audience I hear soon they’ll be coming out with the Kale Nugget made from high density twist ties.

Let’s not forget the ad for, I kid you not, Free Money complete with “hard-hitting news investigation” to see if this free money thing was a fraud. No spoilers here, I’ll let you guess how it all turns out.

Sidebar: Were you aware that if you do an image search for Hollywood, Pin Up and Hanukkah, you get a picture of Mel Gibson? Odd.

Perhaps if I were more crafty I’d make a festive bustier out of dreidels? Speaking of dreidels, I came across an ad for the always popular Snuggie. A jingle sung to the tune of….wait for it….Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel. Here’s the original lyric:

Dreidel, Dreidel Dreidel,

I made it out of clay

and when it’s dry and ready,

then Dreidel I shall play”

And here’s what the marketing geniuses came up with:

“Snuggie Snuggie, Snuggie,

stay warm keep your hands free,

I think I’ll buy a Snuggie

this Hanukkah for me, Oy.”

That’s right they sing “Oy”. Here’s the link in case you think I’m dehydrated from my Insanity workout and making all this up.

If you’ve never heard of it, a Snuggie is a blanket with sleeves, not to be confused with the Slanket, or my new personal favorite, the Forever Lazy. Cause why mince words when dealing with pure unadulterated sloth?

If you’re in the market for a non-traditional Snuggie let me recommend the skull & crossbones version for that homebound, channel surfing, goth rock & roller in your life. And let’s not forget the troops. Nothing says, “this is my third tour in Afghanistan” like a camouflage Snuggie.

This might have been the cough syrup and the 1400 herbal remedies talking, but I’m fairly certain I saw Mary Ann of Gilligan’s Island fame hawking a female sexual enhancement oil called Zestra. Sounds citrusy, doesn’t it? Trust me buddy, she’s been on the island for a long, long time, she may not know the difference.

In conclusion, I hope that none of you did your holiday shopping at 4AM while hopped up on Matzoh Ball Soup and Echinacea. But if perchance Moishe the Holiday Elf climbed out of your set, I hoped he exclaimed as he drove out of sight…

Jeez! Christmas sure sounds to be a complicated business in New York, Heidi ~ here in West Yorkshire we merely put the kids to bed, eat the mince pies & drink the sherry left out for Santa, put Rudolph’s carrot back in the scullery & then get wasted whilst watching Christmas-themed soaps with story lines written by imbeciles. As for prezzies, let Google take the strain ~ just type in the key words that your loved ones have uttered on a daily basis since October (e.g. Pagan, witch, spells) followed by ‘gifts’ … & all your options will appear before your eyes. Sadly, my wife confessed to typing in the key words ‘Aged, orthopaedic & aid’ in order to select my present! Excellent & funny posting as ever, Madame P ~ thanks for all the entertainment over the past year & here’s hoping that the novel comes to fruition during 2012. Oh! And most importantly ~ thank you from the bottom of my heart for being such a lovely friend :)

The very fact that you used the words scullery, mince pie, and pagan in your message proves *once again* that you live in an alternate fictional universe. And yes, you made mention of google in there, but you’re not foolin’ anybody. Google is probably just some anagram for Grace Poole, I wasn’t born yesterday mister, no sir. :D

Kidding aside, I bet Xmas was just beautiful in your faraway land, Peter. Thank you for the well wishes, and here’s hoping your projects go where you want them to go in 2012 as well.

“Nothing says, ”this is my third tour in Afghanistan” like a camouflage Snuggie.” has got to be new favorite holiday saying. Also- is it my imagination or is it snowing on your blog? That is a real question. Of course, I’m fairly certain I’m twice as sick and three times as medicated as you are, SO. Happy Hanukah, Heidi David!

Oh how I’ve missed you.
It’s not everyone who can pull of looking like a YOUNG latke, after all.

And for the record, I know about gelt, despite my maiden name (Christianson. Gasp.).
Plus I know all about guilt.

But the Broccoli Wad and *Free Money*?
Those gems are news to me.

Oh yes. We also have two UCLA Snuggies. (I know.) But I have never felt compelled to shout OY while donning one.

Come to think of it, I’ve never donned one. Although it would be “gay apparel” to be sure. All those Bruin Bears frolicking about. They’re very cheery. More cheery than ferocious. In fact, they’re kind of a tame mascot if you’re threatening to kick some sports’ team ASS.

Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yes.

I’d like to do a pub crawl with you. Immediately.
Of course.

Fa la la la la.
And all that.

Also, I miss you. Thanks for letting me ramble here. It felt just like home.
Without the Snuggie.

Thanks my lovely friend. Your comments are always a work of art and perfect comedic timing. I can see we are cut from the same cloth, as long as it’s not a camouflage snuggie that is, cause I believe I’ve made it clear where I stand on that. If I could get a picture of you in that bruins snuggie btw, I *might* be willing to send you my remarkably hideous senior prom photo. It would make your eyes bleed, of course. But I promise you’d die laughing…

I don’t know where to start. First off, how’s that lung coming? And thirdly, I own several Snuggies. Well, not really. Not even one. But I AM very interested in the massive amounts of sweat to be had. Hope your feeling better. Great post. Keep them a’coming. But please, don’t put so much time into such advertisements. You’ll rot your brain out.

Virgo Disclaimer: It's not my fault I was born a Virgo. My parents had sex in December, what was I to do about it? I'm a psychotic perfectionist so sue me. Or actually, don't. The point I'm trying to make here is in the likely event that there are missspellings, and grammatical errors, forgive me and keep reading anyway. If I let my Virgo nature get the better of me and obsess over these things, I may never leave the house. And people are expecting me for lunch.