nickthegun wrote:
During the 60’s Michael Caine hosted some really wild parties. At one such party he had all the coolest people there, taking drugs, drinking and having a crazy time.

‘Alright jim’ he said to Jim Morrisson ‘are you and the boys enjoying the party?’. ‘Yeah its great, man’. ‘Well its going to get better. Ive got a girl in the bedroom who will suck all your dicks’ said Caine ‘Really? That’s great!’ replied Morrisson. So he and the band went into Michael’s bedroom.

An hour later Michael was doing the rounds, when he saw Mick Jagger and the rolling stones coming out of his bedroom. ‘Alwight mick? What you been up to?’ ‘Oh Jim Morrisson told us there was a girl in there that who sucks some good cock and she really does!’.

‘Arrgh! Fucks sake!’ shouted Michael and stormed into his bedroom.

‘What the hell do you think you were doing?’ he screamed at the girl. ‘Whats the matter? I thought that’s what you wanted me to do?’ she replied. ‘No, you silly cow! Youre only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!!!!’.

This is great, if I can still remember it this evening I'll be a happy man.

A Canadian man, bored with his mundane urban life, decides that it’s time to get back to nature and find his inner masculinity. He hits on the idea of hunting in the great forests of Canada, and ever the practical man, begins to prepare all the necessary provisions and equipment for camping and surviving a long weekend away. In addition he takes with him three guns; a pistol, a rifle and an elephant gun. He sets off from his home on the long journey up to the great forests and mother nature, and evenutally finds a place to set-up camp.

Waking up on his first morning and eager to start hunting, he sets off into the woods and takes with him his pistol. After a few hours skulking around the woods he spots a massive grisly bear – all of 8 foot tall – casually leaning against a tree scratching his arse. The hunter find himself a good spot to snipe from and then carefully takes aim with his pistol. “Pow!” the pistol rings out. A hole appears in the middle of the bear’s head and blood pours out. The bear slumps to the floor.

Very pleased with himself, the man struts up to the spot where the bear fell and finds that the bear’s not there. He scratches his head looking around. Suddenly he gets a tap on the shoulder, he turns round and the bear’s standing behind him. The bear says;

“You must be quite new to this mate - trying to shoot a big bear like me with a silly little gun like that? It’s just not going to work. But since it’s your first time I’ll do you a deal – either you let me fuck you up the arse, or I’ll rip you to shreds – what’s your answer?”

The man, terrified, weighs up his options carefully and decides that, despite the obvious pain, he could take the punishment and no-one need know. He agrees to the former.

The bear brutally sodomises the man with his enourmous furry length for what seems like hours, and when spent, disappears into the forest. The man, taking time for the pain to fade, gradually gets up and limps back to his camp. Undtererred and humiliated, as soon as he arrives at camp he picks up his rifle and goes out into the woods again, hungry for revenge. A few hours later, he spots the same bear leaning against a tree – all 8 ft of him casually picking his teeth. The man picks his spot and takes aim with his rifle. “POW!” the rifle booms through the forests. A large hole appears in the bears head and blood pisses out. Pleased with his revenge kill, the man confidently strides up to the tree.

The bear’s not there. A sinking feeling engulfs him and he gets a tap on the shoulder. Turning around the bear is standing behind him dabbing it’s forehead.

“Look mate, you don’t learn do you? Trying to kill a big bear like me with a stupid gun like that – it just won’t work. I’ll do you a deal though; either you let me and my bear mates fuck you up the arse or I’ll tear you apart.”

Thinking back to the pain of last time, he realised it at the very least was preferable to death. So he agrees to the bear’s punishment. The bear wolf whilstles, and out of the forest lumbers 6 or 7 of his bear friends, all equally large and fearsome. They take turns in fucking the poor man into sorry oblivion, and then when done, saunter off into the forest again.

The man, shaking with pain and humilition, composes himself and drags himself back to camp. Once there, he staunches the not incosiderable flow of blood and vows revenge. Picking up his elephant gun he waddles back into the forest to find his bear.

Sure enough, after an hour of wandering he spots the very same bear leaning against a tree, filing it's claws. He levels his huge elephant gun takes aim at the bear’s head and pulls the trigger.

“BOOOOOM!!!” The gun cracks through the forest, knocking the man to the floor. A HUGE hole appears in it’s head and the bear spins round fountaining blood in all directions. Once back on his feet, the man puffs up his manly chest and strolls over to the bears body.

Except it’s not there. Bile rises in the mans stomach and he get’s a tap on the shoulder. He turns round to find the bear standing there, pressing leaves to it’s head. Once satisfied that the bleeding has stopped, the bears sighs and says:

A guy gets on a bus full of nuns, and sees a pretty one sat at the front, so he sits next to her and tries to chat her up.

The nun wants none of it, so slaps the man around the face, and he gets up and goes to the back of the bus.

A few minutes later, the bus pulls into the cemetary, and the nun at the front gets off. The man approaches the bus driver, and asks "what's her fucking problem?"

The driver replies, "well, she's very religious. She gets off at the cemetary every day at 7 o clock, because she thinks that one day an angel will come down and fuck her."

The man says "How do you think I can get my own back on her?"

"Well, if you dress up as an angel, and wait in the cemetary, she might just let you shag her."

The man thinks about it, and decides this is a good plan.

The following day, he dresses up as an angel, and waits at the cemetary. Sure enough, at 7 o clock, the bus pulls up and the nun gets off.

The man walks over to her and says "I'm an angel. I've been sent by God to make love to you."

The nun says "Ok, but please can you make love to my rectum, so I will still remain a virgin in the eyes of the Lord?"

He does as the nun asks, and gives her a good fucking up the back passage. When he's completely satisfied, he rips of his costume and proclaims "haha! Fooled you! I'm that guy from the bus!"

To which the nun replies....

"Fooled you too, mate. I'm the fucking bus driver."

------------------

A guy is a away on an important business trip when he finds out his wife has gone into labour. Before flying back, he takes a moment at the airport to ring the hospital. In his haste to dial the number, he pushes a wrong button and mistakenly rings a guy at the cricket.

"How's it going?" he asks as soon as the phone is answered.

"Yeah it's going great!" replies the guy at the cricket.

"We've got two out and expect to get the rest out before lunch. The last one was a duck!"

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

captaineurogamer wrote:
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”

This is the best joke in germany

Top joke in Germany A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.