Letter from a patriarch to his separated wife

I would like to report that I have hereby repented of the sin of hurting you. I would also like to report that it is my duty as a husband to insist that we remain together. You see, because I have repented, Christian doctrine demands that you to come back to me now. You may ask how I am so quick to change so completely, but that’s the beauty of the gospel. You just need to say “I’m sorry” and suddenly you’re no longer beset with the sin of anger or violence. And if you are angry, it is righteousness, for God also gets angry and violent sometimes when his people stray… just like wayward wives do.

You may notice that I don’t act any different than I did before. This is true, but it’s not the point. It’s not that I’ve ceased to be controlling and domineering and unhelpful, you see. It’s that I’ve ceased to be controlling and domineering and unhelpful on my own. Now, I get to control you by telling you that my demands are not my will, they’re God’s will. It’s God’s will that you do all the dishes every night no matter how exhausted you are. It’s God’s will that you maintain a sweet countenance when I yell at you. It’s God’s will that you grant me sexual favors whenever I demand them. This is what God meant when he said “the husband is the head of the wife.” I might not be perfect, but I’m still your boss, my dear. Also, I’m not controlling because I’m an asshole; I’m controlling because I’m a normal man, and all normal men act just like me. If feminists tell you that Christian doctrine or sanity doesn’t have to lead to this particular life, they’re lying. Remember: according to my doctrine — the correct doctrine — you’re already equal in every way that counts. When you die after a miserable life of being my suffering servant, you’ll get to go to heaven just as much as me, your earthly dictator.

Remember: if you don’t obey me, you’re going to hell. Sure, things might suck a little bit for you right now, but how much worse would hell be?

Sincerely,

Your husband and one true love always and forever

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5 thoughts on “Letter from a patriarch to his separated wife”

So, uh, goddamn funny that old dudes literally wrote an all-powerful character in their own gender, and then henceforth essentially (& even societally-subconsciously) get away with goddamn murder because of it. The biggest ruse ever, and they. kept. doing it.

The husband forgot to mention the fine print of his freedoms: freedom to dismiss, deny, denigrate, devalue and ignore his dear wifey, and accuse her of unbiblicalness if she does not live up to his and/or his local church’s twisted and forced and convenient applications of his/their choice of doctrinal articulation of their ‘holey’ scriptures or Westminster ‘Catechasm’ or ‘whatevers’ …

In February, I severed all ties with the men and women of this “Reformed” branch of Christianity, no matter how kind or sweet they could appear at times. Not only did they condemn my father to hell for a no-fault divorce/remarriage that occurred prior to his conversion — all based on shoddy and selective hermeneutics — but their ideas of women and sex were something I had NOT ONCE seen or heard of before in all other Christian circles. My other evangelical male friends on social media NEVER discussed their sexual fantasies about women other than their spouses, but the Reformed men not only made posts about this publicly, they also justified it, and demanded the women accept this sin. A very bad influence on a woman who had once struggled with softcore pornography before (looking at men, Playgirl magazine, etc.). Not only did they think this couldn’t happen to me, for “men and women are tempted differently” — but even if they did, if I used their logic, I suppose I could justify such a sin given their own rhetoric of doing the same.

Their thinking on the Bible is so warped, skewed, and shocking that my other evangelical friends (Calvary Chapel etc) don’t even usually try to touch it. Only one mustered up enough courage to say, “good thing you got out of that cult.”