How To Spam Me…

“‘How To Spam’ For Dummies”

I know I probably ought to write this in Chinese —for maximum efficiency, if you know what I mean— but I don’t speak the language and anyway, the spam I usually get is in English, so I can take the freedom to assume that the target–so-called–audience can also read the language they so creatively use to fill my moderation queues and mail boxes ;)

I also know I probably ought to avoid singling out a certain country, since spam comes from all around the world and China is responsible for only a tiny slice of it, but you know what? Fuck it, spammers make me feel singled out most of the time, since the spam nowadays addresses you by your first name and the tentatives of getting spam comments through the blog filters are all based on friendly-sounding, on a first name basis sentences. Besides, I know I’m not discriminating, so I don’t care about political-and-what-not corectness :p

So here they are, two lists to help you, the in-danger-of-being-called-“lame”-and/or-get-fired-for-being-incapable spammer-wannabes:

How To Spam My Blog Comments

Posting more than one complete URL (e.g.http://www.domain.tld/directory/page.extension) —and this includes the URL of “your website” which you can specify when you sign— will automatically flag your comment as “possible spam” and stop it from being published, instead keeping it in the moderation queue, where I can read it and decide if it gets published or not. So you have to stick with only one URL per comment, either in your signature or in the post itself.

Using any of the words that are usually to be found on any black list —you know, names of under-the-counter drugs and keywords one can only find in the <head>s of porn websites, including their most common misspelled forms— will also automatically flag your comment as “spam” and kick it down in the moderation queue, without publishing it unless I say so :D Damn, this is a hard one! I guess it would be very difficult to advertise shit without spelling out its name… Hmm, lemme think about it for a second… How about anagrams? Or cryptograms? Or, you know, translations of the respective word in other languages? Of course, this will require you to change the keywords on your websites as well but hey, you don’t have anything to do anyway, so I guess it won’t be such of a big deal ;)

Posting a comment in English on a Japanese weblog doesn’t seem to work either. Not that I’m trying to be smart here, but 99% of my Japanese readers don’t speak English and less than the 1% who speak it ever feel like using it on my blog. Even if the blog is in Japanese, the blacklists are in computerish, so your keywords will be flagged no matter what. This, of course, goes the other way around as well; posting in Chinese —or Portuguese, for that matter— on my English blog doesn’t seem to work right either… But this one is pretty simple: stick with the main language of the blog. If the article is in English, paste the English snippet; if it’s in Japanese, well… get somebody to prepare a few snippets in Japanese, so you can use them when you need them ;)

Do your homework! Addressing me with “Jack” or “Christine” will definitely not work. My name is all over the blog —in the profile and in the signature of every single article I write— it shouldn’t be so hard to find, copy it and paste it in your snippets…

Try to be more creative! Well, I mean, ask the person who composes your snippets to be more creative. I don’t have anything to say right now… and I like your website! Thanks! are well out-of-fashion and, most of the time, already on some kind of blacklist. Try “LOL”, “WTF” and “OMG”, they might work for a couple of months… In any case, try —at least— to use one or two words that are as on-topic as they can be; if the article talks about tattooing, then use “tattooing” in your comment. Not that these will work —your comment will still end up in the moderation queue and, eventually, in the trash bin— but I guess it’s worth trying and I guarantee you it will improve your English skills ;)

This is the last one :) Never EVER paste gibberish! Writing a row of random words with -naturally— the keywords strategically mixed in at equal distances, picked out from whatever magazine you have on your desk at the moment, simply doesn’t work. Besides making you look like a stupid, illiterate fuckhead, it’s also making people like me think that you are, you know, Chinese :D

I know, it requires effort and a little time to get used, but come on, it’s going to be worth it! I promise :D

How To Spam By E-mail

Blacklists are all over the place, so go back and read number 2. Even messages from my friends —or clients— get caught in the filters if they happen to talk about viagra or whatever-the-fuck-else ending in “-zepam” or “-nax”, if I’m not careful enough to whitelist their addresses. So again, I’d like to suggest anagrams, cryptograms or translation of the respective keywords in other languages. But be careful, because when I say “anagram”, I don’t mean adding a single quote here and there to change the sp’ellin’g of the word, I mean a real anagram! You know, like making “gariva” out of “viagra”, for example :)

Again, sending me e-mails in Chinese won’t work. Period. I mean, do you really think that anyone would ever click on a link inside an e-mail made of hieroglyphics they’ve never seen before?! Come on… Stick to English, it definitely increases your chances to make that buck and the overall possibility of me being clicky-stupid for a second. This goes for gibberish too. As the Chinese characters are —for most of the people— completely illegible, so is a piece of text that says ground Breakfast no 2003 without any big bucks!!! furthermore lorazepam for you $$$. No one will ever be tricked to click on any of the links, simply because the context is unreadable and there is no appeal, nor intrigue. Stick to English and make sure the sentences do say something, in a readable form.

With the risk of becoming annoying for repeating myself, do your homework! :D My name is not “Bob” nor “Emily” and you have zero chances to trick me into reading further when you start on the wrong foot. A mail to Bob is a mail to Bob. Dali will not read it, because it is not addressed to him and Dali respects Bob’s privacy… And since there’s no Bob around here, Dali trashes this mail right away, without even bothering to read the full subject line ;) I know you have my address from someone who harvested it years ago or stole it from some dork’s Windows machine, so I guess there’s not much you can do about it. You could always ask that someone, maybe they have it written down somewhere, but the chances are minimal. My advice: don’t write any name, stick with the handle before the “@” symbol. 99% of the time, that is my name so you have 99% more chances to trick me into opening your message.

Last on the list, try to be lesscreative with your own e-mail address; more exactly, with your handle. While there are chances I’ll open a message from, say, “Sandy Randomname”, the chances I open a message sent to me by “sldkfjgh@yahoo.com” are 0. Zero. Nil. Same goes for “i.m-here-to-make-you-rich@gmail.com” and the likes. Use simple names, names that do exist…

Again, I’m aware that these will require some effort and time, but please understand: what you do right now doesn’t work anymore, it is merely a waste of time and everyone else’s bandwidth. These lists I put together for you are definitely going to improve your efficiency and your chances to make more dollars. I guarantee you ;)

To make it all round and neat, I’m going to suggest a few things you might need to do in case none of the above work and your spam doesn’t get through.

For starters, you can quit using my oxygen. I mean, you don’t deserve it anyway, so why waste it when the only thing you give back is carbon dioxide? Right?

Also, when you go —that is, when you quit using the oxygen— you can also ask your boss and a few colleagues to join you. Ask them nice, of course… For example, kitchen knives or unscrewing the valve of the gas pipe (behind the oven) and smoking a cigarette can always be polite ways to ask ;)

If all else fails, die. Slowly, there’s no rush… Don’t let anybody tell you to hurry up, take your time, do it slowly and thoroughly.

Of course, there are other things you could do, like getting a real job or using those English skills to something creative, for example, but they’re kinda boring and bland, not to mention that there’s a risk you won’t be able to get the .5 dollars per day you’re making right now, so I guess they’re out of the question, aren’t they?

So have fun! Put in the effort, take the time you need to adjust and then have fun!