The Double Cheese Burger Address

In a shock announcement, Shane Warne has used the release of his Second Manifesto docutweet to announce that he is turning his back on cricket.

“Cricket is a dying game, run by old fogeys for old fogeys,” Warne said in his introtweet. “But I am overwhelmed by the response that I have received from other National and International sporting bodies.”

“They universally agree with me that only elite sportsmen have the insight and knowledge to run major sporting bodies. It is with great pleasure that I announce today that effective immediately, Gary Ablett Senior will take over from Andrew Demetriou as the head of the AFL.”

“Liz has encouraged me to study the Bold and the Beautiful to see how genetics are critical to leadership and succession planning at an international industry leader like Forrester Creations. Now that Eric has taken a back seat following the death of Stephanie his third wife (for the fourth time), and Ridge has disappeared (again), it is only right that their respective sons (and step son-in-laws) Rick and Thomas fight it out for the CEO spot.”

“Using the same dynastic criteria, Gary Snr is clearly the right man for the AFL job, and on the same note I am pleased to announce that John Hopoate is taking over at the NRL. This solves the succession issue in both major sports for decades to come, as each has an equally qualified son waiting in the wings following their retirement as players.”

“Naturally my good friend Sonny Bill Williams will again be switching codes to take over at the ARU, and Anthony Mundine is retiring as undefeated IBF Intergalactic Champion to take on the role of running Boxing Australia.”

“The good thing about these appointments is that they are all interchangeable. Sonny Bill could step in at the NRL or Boxing Australia at a moment’s notice, and the same with Anthony. Fortunately Israel Folau has agreed to be on stand-by for any of the 4 roles if something unfortunate should happen.”

“Australia is desperately in need of strong leadership, and I know my fellow Australians are all heartily sick of Julia and Tony’s squabbling. That is why I am pleased to announce my mentor James Packer’s candidacy for PM at the September Election.”

“James is not afraid of making tough decisions, so he will be scrapping the Baby Bonus and the Health Insurance Rebate. In their place all Working Families will get the chance to double their wealth with a $10,000 Introductory Bonus to every Australian who visits a Crown Casino this year. The First Home Owners Rebate will be replaced by the generous ability to borrow to the full value of any family home at any gaming table.”

“As you can see James Number One Priority is family welfare. So his first appointment will be Manti Te’o as Families Minister. Manti has clearly demonstrated how the Internet and Social Media now offers everyone the ability to have a painful relationship breakup and suffer the agonising loss of a loved one, without anyone being hurt. Tiger Woods will be his Deputy.”

“As part of our joint program to abolish wasteful red tape and bureaucracy, all Australian Government forms for Medicare, Social Security and Births, Deaths and Marriage must be capable of being completed in 140 characters or less. James says that his own tax returns are already far shorter than this.”

“But it is on the International scene that I am proudest that sporting bodies have heeded my call. John Daly will be taking over at the PGA as soon as he returns from his holiday at the Betty Ford Family Resort. Now that he is no longer needed at Manchester City, Mario Balotelli will take over at FIFA. This appointment of a black Italian living in England shows how far we have come in stamping out racism, and making soccer truly the World Game.”

“While international sport has made great strides in eliminating racism, the scourge of drugs persists.”

“WADA has gone nowhere under the timid conservative leadership of John Fahey. You need someone who has first-hand knowledge of the industry.”

“That is why I am pleased to announce today that the IOC and USADA have withdrawn all bans on Lance Armstrong participating in World Sport, in return for his taking over at the helm of WADA for the rest of his sporting career.”

“Finally my idol and Lakers legend Jack Nicholson has agreed to reprise his Oscar winning role as Randle P. McMurphy in ‘One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest’ as the new Head of the National Basketball Association,” Warne announced.

“I mean, if the lunatics are taking over the asylum, why not go with the best?” Warne concluded.

Shane said he was grateful to his new media consultant Craig Little for the advice and support he had received in his efforts to reform World Sport; revitalise Australian Society; solve World Poverty and fix the sticky tab on his IPhone.

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Comments

If Jack Nicholson was to reprise his role as Randle P. McMurphy, than watching Lakers would substitute as method acting… much in the same way as reading Shane Warne’s twitter feed.

One thing S.K Warne is doing is hitting the sports media in the head with a hammer – I dare say his manifesto was read by more people this week that articles by our top half-dozen sportswriters combined.

It is ‘celebrity status’ that ensures you get read today, not the strength of your argument.

The cavalcade of sporting cockdonkies referenced in this article, makes me fear for the future.

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