Parenting guidelines for dummies – just kidding!

This is tricky territory. The topic of parenting is complex, to put it mildly. There are things that factor into it like, genetics, family histories, luck, and individual experiences that run hot and cold from one end of the continuum to the other. Two people come together with their generous bags bursting at the seams and decide, more or less, to pro-create. The outcome is usually a box of chocolates – “You never know what you’re gonna get.” Yes, if you’re wondering, I’m comparing children to chocolates. Family making is a chocolate roulette wheel. Some children are soft and sweet and delicious and some are unrecognizable as your off-spring — hard and unpleasant. Some you want to spit out, or, return to the box half eaten, but instead you’re forced to make a very unpleasant face while you try to swallow. (This is an example of why I have never, and will never, get Freshly Pressed. What the good people of Freshly Pressed don’t know is how incredibly difficult it is to sound this moronic.)

I’ve compiled a simple list of parenting guidelines that will take you from the “Bad Parent” zone and place you safely in the acceptable parenting range. No one will give you an award, but your kids will not need therapy later when they’re adults, I use the term “need” loosely, and they, your children, will not despise you . That’s my guarantee.

As illustrated in this picture to the right, do not clip your children’s wings. I repeat, Do Not clip their wings or their hair, for that matter. Leave it to the professionals. Seriously, let your children be themselves. Don’t try to make them into a mini-me. They’ll have enough of your example without you even trying. Don’t let your triggers, insecurities, and low self-esteem issues become theirs. Accept and encourage individuality. They’ll thank you later. Vive la difference!

Never destroy their trust- EVER. A good parent will always try to keep their children feeling physically and emotionally safe. That requires that you keep your word, that your actions are predictable and that your intentions are clear. Don’t make promises you won’t keep. Don’t be false in any way. Don’t lie or keep secrets. Kids want and need parents with integrity. Children can process very difficult and unpleasant information if it’s presented in an honest and loving way.

Grow Up! That’s right. GROW. UP. I don’t know a single child who wants to share their childhood or adolescence with their parent. This is a big red flag that sits at the entrance to the bad parent zone. To be clear, children love parents who know how to have a good time, who enjoy being playful and can act silly, etc. It’s when the parent puts their needs ahead of their children’s needs that the trouble begins. If you’ve decided to have children, that would indicate that you’ve ALREADY HAD YOUR CHILDHOOD. If this is an issue for you, and you still want to be the child, believing that your emotional needs take priority over your own children’s needs, may I suggest therapy?

Love your spouse, and love yourself. This is one of the best gifts you can give your child. Little girls need to see that their father’s adore their mothers. And little boys need to see that their mothers adore their fathers. Any which way you slice it, you are creating a template for their future relationships. I know, some of you might poo poo this. But from my experience it’s true. As children we identify with our parents, so when we see that they are loved and adored we feel secure and will look for someone later who will recreate that same feeling with us. Does it always work this way? No, not always, but it helps a great deal.

Be present in your child’s life. Put in the time. There have been studies that now show it’s not quality, it’s quantity that counts! Yup. Your kids need to see you, A LOT. Your presence is very important to their sense of security. (Don’t skimp on the quality either, if possible.) They’ll remember who drove them to their sports games, who was in attendance, who sat with them in the Dr.’s waiting room, who showed them how to navigate the grocery store, who watched their favorite show with them or read their favorite book, who took the time to teach them life lessons, etc. Let them guide you as to how much time they require. Some need more than others. Know your children, their hearts and minds. This will pay off in spades down the road – not that you’re looking for a pay off, okay, so maybe you are a little bit. 😉

Be open, loving, kind, sensitive and patient. I know, these are so obvious. You’d be surprised how many parents get caught up in the busyness of life and forget these things. (Also, it’s hard to provide these things if drawing from an empty well.) Be the parent you always wanted – not the fantasy one who served up ice cream for every meal, but the real one. The parent who loved you unconditionally and helped you meet your best potential.

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63 thoughts on “Parenting guidelines for dummies – just kidding!”

What a great article, Lisa. As I read it, I took myself back to parenthood, and ticked off the things I was good at, and things that could have done with a bit of improvement! Good fun. I wasn’t too bad, thank goodness, though I suppose we all give ourselves points we might not deserve! I’ll never forget hearing this profound statement: ‘Never rape your children with your ideas.’ After hearing that, I was careful to preface anything I said to my kids with, ‘this is what I think, and afterwards, I want to hear what you think…..’ I was terrified to think that we could harm our kids emotionally by foisting our beliefs on them. Thanks for a great read, Lisa.

I think that’s one of those very subtle things that we do without knowing. I’m sure I’ve done that many times over. We forget that they are so impressionable and as their parents we hold all the keys. They’re always watching and taking it all in. Something as innocent as not saying, “this is what I think” or “what I feel” and not allowing them a chance to express themselves can truly effect their sense of self. This is such a valuable point. Thanks, Yaz!
PS – I copied off your journey information. I’ll be thinking of you! Stay safe!

This is just the top layer, right? I think most of us enter into parenthood with high hopes and we learn as we go, though I know there are those who have no clue and no desire to make needed changes. Maybe they’ll read this.
PS – I like your new avatar- looking like a hottie. 😉

Absolutely. I learn something new every day–mostly that my high hopes were a little delusional. I hope your post reaches those who need to make some changes…I really love the information you put out there. It’s so important.
And thank you on the avi! That was a fresh from the salon good hair day 🙂

We have the same parenting ideas, which doesn’t surprise me in the least. Okay, i lie. i DID cut their hair. Once. They eventually overcame the trauma. You excel as a therapist and as a Mom…it shows in your writing, your advice and your children.

Aww, thanks Addie. it’s almost ridiculous to tackle something this big but I figured maybe someone would read it who needs some simple direction. Sometimes the knowledge we take for granted is like gold to someone else. I’ve seen people change course over smaller things than this. That’s what encourages me. Thank you for your kind words. 🙂

After reading this and a little self-assessment, I think I did ok. I’m fortunate to have a good relationship with both my kids…..not that we didn’t have our challenges. They did turn out pretty darn good, if I do say so myself…hehe. The hardest part for me these days is to step back and let them make their own choices even if I think it’s a mistake. Oh, I’ll voice my opinion and make recommendations, but I realize it is THEIR life. Nice post!

Oh, I’m sure you did more than okay, Ingrid. I bet your kids are happy and well adjusted. I think that is one of the very hardest things – stepping away and letting life take it’s course. It’s hard to watch when you know you might do things differently and get a different outcome. I hate it when my parents interfere so my kids hate it too! lol!

Great reminders and if I can add:
“Know when to pick your battles”.. Heard Dr Phil say that about half-way through my rearing years and boy if sure saved alot of aggrivation and arguments wth the kids.

Dearest Gripping
Your point on time is extremely well made. The lack of time to lavish on children (and indeed many other things) is one of the great poverties of our age.
In the future I feel sure it will lead to a lot of adults who were emotionally undernourished in their youth and suffer the consequences only when they find themselves not fully grown.
Yours ever
The Perfumed Dandy

Exactly, Dandy. If one finds that they are hesitating to take on the role of parent, then I think the underlying reasons are worth exploring. My younger sister had very little “childhood” and so she made a conscious choice to forego having children. There are few things worse for a child than having to parent your parents. I agree, we’re a culture of emotionally undernourished adults. Sadly, the cycle has no end in sight. A very thoughtful comment, thank you.
Gripping

I’m lucky that I had such a good momma girl 🙂 This piece should definitely be freshly pressed for sure! Lots of tips that could help many a parent. Even things that you would assume would be common sense are always helpful reminders. Nice one!

LOL! It always surprises me how the smallest bit of information that we take for granted can deeply effect a person. That’s why I put this stuff out there. You just never know…
Thanks for being such a great Lil!! You made it easy. 😉 Love you!! xox

Thanks Dawn. It’s silly to attempt to even approach this topic, but lately I’ve been surprised that the information we take for granted and think is so obvious, actually can cause a person to change course. It’s for those people that I write, my heart always hopeful.
You are so kind in your comments, that is, when you aren’t making me laugh! xoxox!

this is really great–thank you! I have to say, I agree with all your points. It’s certainly not so easy, so black and white to act like a grown up. To not hoist our opinions on our kids, and to be present all the time, but having that goal in mind to come back to is always key. I stopped working a few years ago to be with my son, and sometimes I think it’s thankless, on my end, but it’s definitely not on his end and I keep reminding myself it’s definitely worth it. When I was a kid, I suppose I know my parents loved me but they never said it. In my family? I tell my son a zillion times a day. Sometimes when I say this to him, and want to make sure he knows how important he is to me and to his dad, he just says “I know, I always know that”, and it’s funny, but it’s good too….we don’t have to worry, he knows he’s safe and loved and counts on it everyday….

Thank you so much, Robin, for this thoughtful comment. The fact that your son is so casual about the “I love you’s” is a testament to your parenting. You’ve done the right thing. Often the pendulum swings far to the other side – as it should. You’ll find that your son grows up feeling secure and safe in his mother’s love. It makes life’s battles so much easier to fight when we know our parents are there for us. You’re establishing a bond of trust that’ll kick in when it’s needed most and you’ll see it five, ten, twenty years down the road — and then you’ll see it again when he raises his children. That’s priceless. 🙂

Excellent post Lisa! This is like a list of reasons why I shouldn’t be a parent; I have the mental age of a child for definite, this is proved by spending at least three hours a day drawing boobs on the lady that sits next to me’s notepad at work.

Though it worries me because I’m sort of seeing a girl that has a 6 or 7 year old daughter (I’m guessing at the age, because I’ve never bothered to actually ask) and I don’t want to grow up 😦

Choosing not to procreate, Pete, may be your gift to humanity. 😀
Should you find yourself in the parenting role, though, you better grow up fast, or I’ll have to wag my finger at you. 😀
PS – Unless you’re Peter Pan, you must grow up eventually. 😦

Surely once you’ve grown up that’s accepting that you’re ready to be bored forevs. While I was telling all of the new starters at work about my experience with piles today someone mentioned that it’d be a sad day if I ever grew up haha. I had that nasty knock to the head though remember, I can blame it on that.

I believe that one of the hardest conflicts occurs when desire (mine) meets ambition (theirs).

I want my child to grow up to be a Harvard Law Professor, a Stanford MBA, a surgeon at Johns-Hopkins, a US Senator or a mega-bucks CEO. THEY want to become a chef or a gunsmith or lead guitar in a rock-band. I’ve told them to follow their dreams and be happy. When they do and their dreams turn out to be different from the ones I thought they would have, one of us is going to need an adjustment.

This was great! What a great writing about parenting…I LOVE THE PICTURE! I laughed my butt off! Parenting is definitely the best/worst job on the planet. I’m lucky I actually LIKE my kids…that’s not a given, as you stated in the beginning about the chocolates. We are lucky we all got brought together in this life I guess! I can look back and see the good and bad things I did as a parent, but my most important thing was I wanted my kids to be able to listen to THEMSELVES and that that voice matters. I think its working so far. It was a hard but fun road. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh memories.

Every once in awhile I see a family with a rogue child, one that doesn’t fit the mold and I wonder if God didn’t send that feisty spirit to challenge everyone? lol! We do the best we can with what we’ve been given to work with. Some of us fly by the seat of our pants and end up with amazing children despite challenging circumstances. So many things factor into it…
I think you’ve raised real individuals, Judy, capable of independent thinking. I have no doubt they march to the beat of their own drum like their beautiful, free spirited, rebellious mother. xoxox!

Really great information … i especially liked the ‘grow up’… So many parents now think it is so important to be a ‘friend’ to their child…especially during adolescence . In my opinion that is a real mistake… your kids need a parent who can give boundaries.and direction.. not another friend Diane

I agree completely, Diane. Our children are very capable of choosing and fostering their own friendships. Parents should never confuse their role. Children need parents, loving and wise, not someone who needs to feel young again, and so inserts themselves into their children’s social life. It’s sort of pathetic and desperate, isn’t it?
Great comment.

Children are like rubix cubes made of glass. And I’m like a ticking time bomb (made of glass). But sweeping fragility aside, telling someone what to eat and when to sleep (and arguing with them when they refuse, which they will) seems so controlling (which I despised my mother for). Yeah, I think I’ll just adopt something four-legged and call it day.

Some people are perfectly happy and fulfilled with four-legged children. If you know yourself well enough, and have the foresight to see down the never ending parenting road, and you just know in your gut it’s not for you, then I would encourage you to stick with that decision. (Although I will say, some people start out saying “never” and end up loving parenthood.) I think it’s all about knowing yourself and how you envision your life.
Thanks for the comment!
Lisa

Such wonderful advice Lisa. Everything you really need to know about parenting in this one post. Really. I wish I would have read it when I was raising my kids. But it is a good refresher for being around my grandchildren! And I couldn’t agree with you more about quantity time. There are no short cuts to spending time with your kids both good and bad, exciting or boring. One thing I’ve come to realize from raising three kids, is that people are born the way they are. A parent’s job is to teach their kids how to properly manage the personality they were born with. And it’s impossible to do that unless you put in the time. I’m printing out a copy of this today to give to Jackie and Nikki! 😀

Aww.. Linda. I happen to know you are an amazing parent. It’s so obvious. I agree – our children come pre-packaged from God and we are the caretakers of their precious little spirits. If we can lovingly guide and help them to properly manage their personalities we’ve done our job. I think the whole “Quality over quantity” was an argument for parents who either worked all the time or who truly didn’t want to be around their children. It seems like something you tell yourself to make yourself feel better? The best parents put in the time. It’s not always fun or easy or convenient, as we both know, but in the long run we’re talking about the well being of our children. Could there be anything more important?
By virtue of your parenting style, Linda, I’m sure Jackie and Nikki are effortless in their role as mother. I’m sure it comes easy to them. They learned from the best. 🙂
xoxo!

Lisa! You are such a kind and caring and thoughtful person. Your comments just always make me feel so good and so happy — and to know that you and I understand each other so well! It feels so good when you find somebody who “gets” you. And you and I get each other. It’s so rare in this world, and I truly treasure it! You and I are the same kind of mothers. I remember you said one time that the internet gets to the essence of the person. And you are so right about that Lisa! I love the quote of Jacqueline Kennedy’s “If you bungle raising your children, I don’t think whatever else you do well matters very much.” I couldn’t agree more.” and thank you so much for your comment, Lisa, you lift me up more than you’ll ever know! xoxo 😀

Linda, I feel the same way about you… The fact that we ‘get’ each other is a treasure, a rare and beautiful gift. I know one day I’ll get to give you more than a virtual hug. I’m counting on it.:)
Xoxox

Great post, Lisa. I think you got it all covered. I think parenting can be difficult because even if you have instructions much of what you do is about how you were raised without even thinking about it. It’s so true that showing them a loving relationship speaks volumes. Well said.

Thanks, Amy. That’s exactly what I think, too. The way we were raised has so much to do with our parenting style and abilities. That’s our reference.
I think when all else fails, being an example to our children goes a long way.

Thanks, kind Guapo. 🙂
I know quite a few people who have kids that seem like they belong to another family, a very bad, deranged, criminal family. Lol! Actually I’m totally serious. I laugh with relief because I lucked out. Some kids just come pre-packaged or wired differently and create tension where ever they go. I could do a post on that. That’s a good idea and I think it might be helpful, if only to bring relief and validation that they are not alone.

As a huband and father, I’ve found you post to be very encouraging. Unless we get the basics right, we will get everything else wrong. Our children need us to be there parents before we can be their “pals”. Far too many parents put their kids on autopilot these days or simply want to be their children’s friends and not their parents. Far to many dads drop the ball and think a a nice paycheck makes up for everything. Not so. Men in this society are condictioned to be hedonistic adolescents for as long as possible. Hopefully writing likes yours will get their attention. It got mine.

Aww… Lamont, you are so welcome. I love your comment!! “Far too many dads drop the ball and think a a nice paycheck makes up for everything. Not so. Men in this society are condictioned to be hedonistic adolescents for as long as possible.” I couldn’t agree more. I know an inordinate amount of people who really dislike their fathers because they were absent or selfish, etc. It doesn’t have to be that way. You’re right. I’m hopeful that my son will grow up to be a nurturing dad. I’m glad you commented. It was very thoughtful and hopefully will be read by others. 🙂 Thanks!
Lisa