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July 16, 2013

Glass House

Depression. It has plagued me for as long as I can remember. I can't even think of myself as a child really happy all the time, it was tinged by sadness and confusion. I know that there were moments when I felt carefree but I also worried even as a four year old. I stayed up late at night, after everyone was asleep, worrying that a robber would break in, or that our house would catch on fire, or that my parents didn't really love me and would leave me. I remember hearing voices as a child calling my name. When this occurred again in adulthood after the birth of my second son, I was told that the inner voice, my inner dialog, was very high, that I was hypersensitive and hence suffered from post-partum depression which landed me in the mental hospital. I have struggled since my teenage years with hormone imbalance and PMDD. The thing is, I really want to be happy and most people would guess that I am. But depression can be silent and it's not always evident on the outside.

I told my husband that I feel like I live in a glass house. I feel like everyone can see in; see my flaws and how I struggle with yelling at my little kids because I become overwhelmed by their constant needs with little space for my own self care. I worry people would judge how I sometimes hide in my bed, in a ball of tears, willing the ramble of negative thoughts away. How I look outside at the sun shining and wonder what all my friends are doing to enjoy this day while I sit in my glass house alone. I go to bed some nights feeling guilty, like I'm a bad mom and a bad wife. I feel insecure and lost and desperately alone. I can't reach out. I can't call people and ask them to come over. I feel like they are looking in but don't know how to help me. I don't know how either.

I have spent years on medication, anti-everythings, to take this darkness away. It always seemed to help for awhile but didn't take it completely away. It is always comes back around, this sadness. I am trying to change the way I think. I try not to dwell on these terrible lies when they enter my head. I spend time praying, meditating, reading books on how to be happy or books about world travels. I do these things everyday. I pray and ask for wisdom on how to handle all of this, but the thorn is always there. I listen to my husband when he gives me advice, and tells me how silly it is that I feel like nobody cares about me. I go out into the world and take my kids fun places, I put my emotions aside most days to be the best mom I can be, but it never feels like enough. I am plagued by days of sadness and I can't really explain why I feel that way. But I do. It feels like a part of who I am, this feeling of misunderstanding and being misunderstood. I do realize this is no one's burden to carry but mine. I do realize that if I embraced the divine spirit of Love, I could transform this sadness into something that could help others break down their own glass houses. But I just can't seem to get to that point right now. So I settle in with this feeling for another day and say my prayers, and spill out my trust that in spite of this pain, I am loved even if I cannot always feel it.

“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.” -Longfellow

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About Me

Hi, I’m Kacy. I’m just your average library going, organic buying, book reading, dinner making, boo-boo kissing, spiritual wife and yogi mama. Each day I challenge myself to grow and search for the beauty and opportunities that life brings my way. I am not always great at finding it, but it is something I strive for, nonetheless.
My family consists of myself, my husband, Justin, and two beautiful boys, Caden and Colten.
Thanks for stopping by and reading. Hope your day brings you moments worth writing about.