Sometimes the thing that keeps people from coming in to get couples counseling is fear of losing control. The reality is that insistence uncontrolled is addiction to the fantasy. We can't control anything. We certainly can't control other people and most of the times we can't even control ourselves.

When you get into a fight with your partner, isn't there always an element of blame? You feel blamed. You feel like you're blaming your partner. What I've learned is that blame actually is counterproductive to working through any kind of a problem.

In my marriage counseling practice, I use a model that I've developed called cycles of the heart, and it starts with your brain. This is the model of your brain. The old brain which is the brain stem and then the mid brain which is the center of your brain and then the new brain that we think of as our brain is the grey matter that has our rational, cognitive abilities.

The old brain is our survival reflex and the mid brain is your emotional centers of your brain. When we're under any kind of threat, instantaneously, that old brain gets kicked into gear and our new brain goes away.

We end up saying things we don't really mean and get thrown into patterns that are very destructive. What I do is I teach you a way to come out of that and move into the way of being compassionate with each other.