Ask a Guy: "I Demanded My Boyfriend Stop Seeing His Ex and We Broke Up—Did I Make a Mistake?"

There are some questions about men that only a guy can answer. We asked the dudes at guyspeak.com (read more about them here), for their take on this dating conundrum:

Q: My perfect boyfriend is friends with his ex-girlfriend, and when she visits from out of town three to four times a year, he drops everything (including me) to take her to dinner two or three times. I demanded he stop seeing her and it ended the relationship. We're both reeling from the quick break. Did I make a mistake?

Did you make a mistake? No. And yes. More no than yes. Like 90/10 percent.

To demand something might not have been the best approach. I don't know how strongly you demanded, but I tend to lump demands and ultimatums in the same undesirable basket. That basket is Things To Which People Don't Usually Respond Well Because No One Likes To Be Told What To Do Or Bullied Into Doing It.

If you had said you asked him to stop seeing her, I would say you're blameless, because you are absolutely right that this little habit of his is ridiculous. Six to twelve dinners a year? Just the two of them? Oh, hell no. Your ex comes to town, you take her to lunch, not dinner, and you give your current girlfriend the option of accompanying you. But first you ask if she is okay with it. You don't ignore her for days while you're playing Remember When? with a former lover. That's just not appropriate.

So, no, you weren't mistaken to be upset about him doing this, nor were you wrong to want him to stop. You just might not have taken the best course of action by demanding he do it. But that happens; maybe you asked first, he resisted, tempers flared and it was downhill from there. Requests become demands in the blink of an eye when you're pissed off and hurt. A minor mistake, though; as I said, you're more than justified to make a stand about this.

You don't say how long you two were together, but this doesn't seem like the kind of thing that should break you up for good—unless he has a habit of doing whatever the heck he wants and not caring if it bothers you. The fact that he sees her this much in the first place is a red flag in my book; if, on top of that, he refuses to bend on the subject, then you're better off staying split and finding someone who knows the meaning of consideration and compromise.