Python just stretched things too far

Not that there was anything wrong with the python, per se; its
just that one of the Weeville Library Labor Day Parade Committee
members didnt think a snake should be associated with the library.
I thought the python was tres cool. It would look great in the
parade. Rynona Bierstadtler, co-vice-president of the Friends of
the Weeville Library, said she didnt see how Jerry Paninis live
snake could fit in with the official parade theme, Excellence in
Education. I mean, the two didnt exactly go together, was her
point. I said I definitely thought a python is educational. Even if
were not sure if its excellent. We could assume it is. Our
library parade committee had been trying for weeks to figure out
how to do Excellence in Education in visual form and come up with
something that wasnt a cliché. Books? Computers? Yawn yawn. DVDs?
Globes? Major snore. Then we thought, since the current big plan is
the upcoming merger with the Smallburg library, maybe we should
just sidestep the official theme and do our parade entry on the
merger. So someone got the idea of making a float, on which would
ride library volunteers with their pets, including Mr. Snake Eyes.
We would all carry signs reading Merger Our Pet Project. Cute,
huh? Pet equals real live pets; get it? Hardly anybody got it.
When you said pets, I assumed you meant basically dogs, and
maybe Jason Kaysons angora rabbit, Rynona sniffed. I didnt
think pets encompassed giant snakes. Rynona is the only person I
know who can sniff an entire sentence. That python IS a pet, I
pointed out. And Jerry is kind enough to offer its services. You
dont have to put it on a leash or in a cage. You can just wear it.
Jerry is used to wearing his snakes. His little girl, Geraldine,
wears them, too. She is 11 and very popular with boys. In fact,
Jerry has a whole wardrobe of snakes hes offered us. They are all
different colors and patterns. Theyre all pets. Rynona nearly
fainted. Shes very sensitive, poor dear. My friend Vickie said we
should put the python in the parade and hold a sign saying,
Worlds Biggest Bookworm. But there was the problem of keeping
the sign and the snake together. You cant pin a snake on a sign,
or vice versa. People still think snakes will attack and poison
you, I told the folks. They wont. Not the kind people keep as
pets. Theyre kind of like animated bicycle tires. Long rubbery
things. If theyve had their weekly dinner, theyre pretty
lethargic. I know this because I used to work with snakes in a
childrens museum. A museum! See, Educational! I said. The
committee just looked at me. Education equals library equals
museum equals snake equals educational. Now all we have to worry
about is the excellence. OK, OK. So we decided to can the snake
and concentrate on the merger. Someone suggested the heads of the
two merging library boards go as Siamese twins. The committee loved
it. Andrew Castoria, head of the Weeville board, and Arlene Belfry,
Smallburgs head, would both wear some kind of merged outfit. The
big question is: What do Siamese twins wear? Who made the clothes
for Chang and Eng? Would this be offensive to Siamese twins and
their families? We dont want to offend anyone. We want everyone to
support this project. How worried should we be? What about one
enormous sweater? Rynona suggested. Two people in an XXXL from Big
and Tall? Well, two of my kids once got into one sweater, but they
were fairly small at the time. And they were facing each other,
which might be somewhat problematic for Andrew and Arlene, not to
mention that theyd have to sort of skip sideways. Even if they
could get in side-by-side, the basic problem with a sweater is
theres only one sleeve to a person. If you have to hold a sign and
throw candy, and you sneeze and need to grab a tissue, well, bad
luck. That type of clothing is expensive, so theres another
problem. A Siamese twin sweater from the big and tall mens shop
would look a bit strange as a line item in the library budget. Then
someone said, why not just some sort of conical wrapper with two
head holes? Maybe people wouldnt get it. It would just look like a
cone with two heads. And people would think, whats that supposed
to be, a volcano? Doesnt say Library to me. Maybe they could go as
Siamese twin snakes, Jeff Fish suggested. Jeff, this is serious, I
told him. The reputation of our community library is at stake. We
have to have a Serious, Dignified Siamese twin costume. We sat in
silence for a while, and finally gave up on the float. So, as the
parade snakes down the street, we will simply march with a banner.
The motto will be, Support your library: You can snake a
difference. (s Note: The columnist, Marian H. Mundy, is a
longtime writer with Recorder Community Newspapers.)

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