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My Adolescent Insecurity with Social Media

Adolescence was a bit of a mixed bag for me. Highs included learning to drive, losing my virginity and forming friendships that, even today, are among my strongest. On the downside were acne, years of bad preppy clothing and a nagging sense of social insecurity that made me feel that no matter what peak of popularity I was able to summit, there was always a new mountain to climb. In time, I outgrew many of these lows. Sure, I still get the occasional blemish, and ironically I just bought a pair of penny loafers. But at the ripe age of 45, I am truly content with who I am, the relationships I have and my social standing in the world, both personally and professionally. Or at least I thought I was.

Social media has reawakened my social insecurities. I have tried to embrace this still relatively new and ever-expanding medium, but I admit, I have struggled with it. In one sense, the landscape is changing so fast it’s almost impossible to keep up, making me perpetually feel, in the words of my niece, “so five minutes ago.” You throw yourself out there on Facebook and LinkedIn, and then you have to master Twitter; and just when you feel like you’ve got that figured out, you wake up one morning to discover that the party’s moved to Pinterest, and you’ve got nothing cool to wear…and no ride.

Adding insult to injury is the numbers game.

When I signed up for Twitter, I did so more to follow people, organizations and media I was interested in, not to convince others to follow me. But I quickly found myself wondering, “Why aren’t more people following me?” I became disturbingly focused on my Klout, which I now realize is the social media equivalent of that mean girl in high school who decides who’s in and who’s out. And I wrestled with the fact that I wasn’t (if I was being honest with myself) genuinely interested in the hundreds of people I was following, even if others were telling me I was supposed to be.

Many aspects of social media weren’t working for me. But I’ve come to realize that what was wrong with this situation wasn’t social media as much as it was my approach to it.

I think one of the key reasons people my age or older struggle with social media is because we are trying to dive into a milieu and set of social norms that, for many of us, we’ve outgrown. When we were teens and young adults, our social clout was measured more by the breadth of our friendships than their depth. It was quantity over quality. But as we got older — as we partnered-up, started families and became more focused on our careers — we started paring down the number of relationships we tried to maintain and, instead, began focusing on those that we found most meaningful.

That’s what was missing for me with social media: meaning.

I had moved past the point where I wanted a trophy chest of friendships that were a mile wide and an inch deep, and the norms of social media that I felt I had to subscribe to didn’t coincide with that transition. But through the guidance of others — including my wise PR consultant, Helena Bouchez — I’ve come to see social media differently and find meaning within it. Instead of looking at it as a measure of popularity or solely as a means to connect with as many people as possible, I’ve come to view it as a way to spark my imagination, broaden my horizons and, most importantly, build relationships with people who interest and inspire me.

Jeff Pulver, founder of Vonage and the 140 Characters Conference, tells people to look at things like Twitter as “being an exercise not of typing and reading, but hearing and listening. Being vulnerable, and being yourself. And going beyond all this to actually love yourself and believe in your message and your voice.” Now that speaks to me, both as an adult and as a recovering adolescent. If only Jeff had been there whispering in my ear when I went through high school.

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6 Comments

Too old for social media, Bill Baker? Shame on you!
What about lifelong learning? What about the exhilaration of mastering something new? What about the satisfaction of a new level of understanding? What about …? There are so many ‘What abouts …?’

Yes, social media is changing every day, and it keeps us hopping to keep up, never mind ever trying to get ahead. I’m glad to see that Social Media is beginning to have a meaning for you, Bill – but keep going because there’s *so* much more for you to learn and understand, than you are seeing at the moment.

Your blog was posted on March 25, 2012, that day was my 68th birthday.

Shame on me indeed Ann. Well…perhaps shame on me when I was first so hesitant about social media. But I’m pleased to say that I have crossed the proverbial chasm and not only embrace social media, but truly do find meaning and fulfillment in it. This is what I was trying to convey in my blog post — i.e. my conversion (which is communicated at the end of the post) — so hopefully you and others don’t perceive me as a lost cause.

Like you, I want to encourage people who might be reticent about social media to not look at it exclusively through the eyes of their children and conclude that they have to use it exactly the same way teens and young adults use it. The social media world, as you say Ann, is indeed big and beautiful, and there is truly something for everyone who’s willing to dive into it. Even though I perhaps thought I might be too old for social media when I first started with it, like you, I realize that I am not…nor is anyone. So let us continue to spread the word and invite others in.

Thanks for taking the time to comment. And a belated Happy Birthday to you.

Well, here’s the amazing thing, Bill. Since you “guest posted” that article on my blog about storytelling, 502 people read it, spending an average of 4:02 minutes just on your contribution. Plus I’ll bet hundreds more read it from the link on your site!

So what I’m saying is that despite your hesitancy, you owe the world your thoughts. 🙂

Until my 65th birthday, I was actually repulsed by social media. I found it narcissistic and voyeuristic. I thought, “Who cares if twenty minutes ago you did this or that or had a good whatever…”

After approaching publishers with a concept (which I believed) was incredibly powerful and timely, the response was “So where’s your platform?”

I was an expert in an obscure field. I also loved my anonymity – not a winning combination. What’s an expert to do? So I started buying books on social media and asking friends who knew more than I did about how to go about going public. This was at the beginning of July of last summer. Now, I have a website, a blog (which is a lot of storytelling in a non-fiction format), a facebook page, Linkedin, Twitter, Google +, and Pinterest. I’ve subscribed to various groups and am responding to all kinds of posts. The main problem I’m having now is that I’m so consumed with social networking that I no longer have time to write, which is why I started social networking in the first place.

First and foremost, I’m glad that you have given your voice a platform. This has, for me, been the most rewarding aspect of getting into social media. I never fully realized I had a voice and something to share with others, much less imagine that anyone would care to hear it. And while, like you, I stretched myself too thin at first, I have seen retrenched a bit and, in doing so, been a bit more selfish about what I engage in and whom I engage with. I follow people I’m genuinely interested in, not people I am supposed to follow because others tell me to. I take part in tweetchats that truly excite me. I only join groups that bring meaning to my work and I feel I can add something to. The result has been deeper relationships with fewer people, and I have to say I find it much more rewarding.

That all said, one goal I made for myself in 2012 (and will repeat in 2013) is trying to spend the first hour of each day doing social media of some sort, making certain at least half of that hour is writing: either some (hopefully) insightful comment on someone’s blog or working on my own material. I do it at the beginning of each day so it doesn’t haunt me for the rest of the day. I admit I have been only moderately successful at doing this; but I’m going to keep working at it.