No, I won't lean in.

Tyrese puts independent women on notice

You know this independent kick many women are on nowadays? That trend will lead you to being alone. At least that’s Tyrese’s thinking. The R&B singer, who’s been struggling to win over black female fans, sat down with Necole Bitchie and gave his two cents on independent women and love

An excerpt from the article linked above:

I want to say to all the women out there, especially black women in particular, y’all are on this independent kick. “I don’t need no man, I’m independent.” I want y’all to know the difference. There is a very big difference. Independence in the eyes of a man is when we say we want an independent woman; we don’t want a woman that’s [depending on] her sexy and nice body to help her get through life. You don’t wanna work, you don’t want to go to college or school, you’re not inspired to do anything on any level to try and help further yourself on any level. You just want to be sexy and free-load….nobody wants that as a man.

Then some women are so on this independent kick they end up alone. You’re going to independent your way into loneliness. You go off and buy all the little poodles you want. “At least my dog is happy to see me when I get home everyday.” That dog or “rabbit” will never be able to replace what a real man can do for you. So stay independent, get your own, but nobody wants to be alone period. I know it’s a lot of men out here that are playing on both sides of the fence, it’s confusing, and it’s a lot of homosexuality going on out here. I get it, it’s a lot of frustration that women have. [But] there’s a lot of man’s man still left; We’re out here, we’re waiting, we’re wanting, we desire you just like you desire us. Just don’t give up on us…”Stay.” That’s my ‘Open Invitation’. Give [us] a shot at your heart.

For those who haven’t run to the toilet to vomit after watching the video, I can’t say I’m surprised that we have yet another man using an opportunity to criticize black women and put our singlehood on notice. It’s yet another chapter in the ongoing debate about what’s wrong black women and why we are single, depressed, alone and sans children.

First of all, not every black woman is vying for the attention and affection of men. Not every black woman is in the market for a man. Believe it or not, Tyrese, there are black lesbians, bisexuals, asexuals and those who are celibate. Furthermore, many black women are single because of their own choosing. There are black women out there who just don’t want a relationship.

Second, the garbage about women not wanting to go to school, working or anything to “help further yourself on any level” is not what a man or a woman should want in a mate, period. If anything, black women have all but proven themselves to be the ones in our community who have gone out, earned degrees, garnered six figure salaries and have yet to find black men who are on their same financial, career and educational wavelength.

Third, his ramble about homosexuality and how it’s frustrating black women was a point I could not follow. It sounded as if he was about to engage in a homophobic rant, but he lost is train of thought.

I find it laughable that Tyrese feels he has the authority to give relationship advice to black women. You know, those same black women he didn’t even consider casting in a music video.

Pop culture and the media have been on this news high in which they’ve attempted to dissect, explain and analyze the lives of black women, from why so many of us aren’t married, why so many of us wait to have children and why our relationship outlook is so murky and pessimistic. Pretty much everyone has had an opinion about the matter, from authors penning books about whether or not marriage is for white people to black male authors writing books criticizing black women’s so-called unrealistic standards on why we are oh so alone and miserable.

I am well beyond sick and tired of black women, our lives, our relationships and our minds serving as the latest hot topic or buzz words among the media elite, society and pop culture. Bene Viera wrote a fabulous opinion at The Huffington Post, which pretty much sums up my feelings on this dead horse. An excerpt:

I am, however, annoyed that black women’s singleness has become a spectacle. For starters, this story has been covered ad naseum since 2009. The Washington Post was ahead of the curve with Joy Jones’ “Marriage Is for White People” in 2006, hence the inspiration for the title of Banks’ book. What’s also troublesome is the focus on the so-called dreadful statistic of unwed black women while fewer Americans in general are marrying. Where’s all the chatter about white, Asian and Latina single ladies? Anyone who has spent any time around young professional white women would know that they too are frustrated with dating. Yet, unlike Nightline’s 2010 “Face Off: Why Can’t a Successful Black Woman Find a Man?” special, no white celebrities were called for a panel discussion about the 45% of unmarried white women .

It is beyond problematic that authors, journalists, researchers, social commentators and mainstream media find that black women’s singleness is a crisis, and that the solution is to marry white men. Single white women are never told to “date outside their race,” “stop being so loyal to white men” or “marry a black man!” Why then would we accept that black women must date, marry and procreate with a white man to solve our relationship woes? I call patriarchy and white privilege. Let’s be clear of what’s going on here with the media’s propaganda.

First and foremost, the media is only exhaustively covering this topic because it’s popular. Outside of site hits and ratings, the goal is really quite simple and has been happening since the 19th century. The tragic single black woman meme reinforces that black women are unlovable. And why are we unlovable? Because, you know, we’re loud, angry, attitudinal, “ghetto” and whores. If we happen to be the educated bunch we’re still unlovable, but for a different reason. Educated black women are unlovable because we are emasculating bitches who don’t know our place.

I am completely against the narrative around black women’s dating life, marriages and wombs from people have no vested interest in black women or black men. The conversation that is being had is both destructive and thoughtless. Black women are fine. We don’t need a come to Jesus moment. None of the black women I know (and I know countless highly educated, talented, kind, giving, creative, brilliant black women) need the media or anyone else to tell them who to date. If they want to date white men they do. And if they want to remain loyal to black men, by all means, please fucking let us.