oopsies

Stephen Colbert Tricks Money-Loving Whores of South Carolina GOP

Wasn’t this whole “conservatives don’t get that Stephen Colbert is a teevee satirist” sort of a 2009 thing? OH WAIT, we are talking about South Carolina, so maybe we have to factor in some kind of years-long time delay? The state’s Republican party is hard up for cash to hold their primary, so they agreed to allow Colbert’s Super PAC to add a humorous question to the GOP presidential primary ballot asking voters to decide whether “corporations are people” or “people are people” in exchange for a giant dump truck full of cash. Someone eventually got the memo, but not before the question made it onto the sample ballots and the state Supreme Court was forced to tell the cheap floozies in the Republican party to leave the ballot alone. NOPHAIR!

The other possibility, of course, is that they are just that desperate that they will take even the funny munnies. But no, because who has ever even heard of some politicians selling their souls for a couple bucks?

The Comedy Central satirist — and South Carolina native — approached state Republican Party officials a few months ago about making a significant contribution to the party through his Americans for a Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow super PAC.

In return, Colbert requested the party place a ballot question on the state’s first-in-the-South GOP presidential primary set for Jan. 21, that dealt with corporate personhood. The party agreed and on Nov. 11 asked state election officials to add a ballot referendum that asked voters to decide whether “corporations are people” or “only people are people.”

Colbert also wanted to sponsor a debate, but the state Republican Party eventually decided that a partnership with the Comedy Central star’s super PAC wasn’t going to work.

BOO.

The corporate personhood question, however, still ended up being printed on sample primary ballots, according to State Elections Commission spokesman Chris Whitmire. But it will not end up in front of voters on Jan. 21, he says, because a recent state Supreme Court ruling struck all questions from being allowed on the ballot.

Since when was America so serious about letting millionaire personalities screw around with elections? [Columbia Free-Times]

The South Caroline GOP's confusination is easily explained. Rethuglicans don't get irony or satire. When they hear Colbert's audience laughing. they think "They're laughing because it's true," not "They're laughing because it's batsh*t crazy enough to be a John Boehner talking point."

If Newt "Child Labor Brigade" Gingrich were to update and plagiarize Jonathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal," don't you think Faux News would endorse it as a good plan?

"I think it is agreed by all parties that this prodigious number of children in the arms, or on the backs, or at the heels of their mothers, and frequently of their fathers, is in the present deplorable state of the kingdom a very great additional grievance; and, therefore, whoever could find out a fair, cheap, and easy method of making these children sound, useful members of the commonwealth, would deserve so well of the public as to have his statue set up for a preserver of the nation."

Callyson

Jonathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal"
Also known as "The Republican Jobs Plan." Just as "don't get sick" is their health care policy, "don't get old" is their employment policy…

RavenRant

Don't get caught in the machinery or blowed up is their Occupational Safety plan.

This is exactly right, and that's because modern Rethuglican/Conservatives don't get subtlety. They don't understand nuance. Everything for them is either/or, black/white, good/evil Manichean thinking, a product of their Christo-fascist ideology. In fact, they attack liberals precisely for subtlety, which they mistake as weakness.

That's why they don't get irony or satire – it requires subtlety and nuance. And that's why they can't imitate the Daily Show/Colbert model – it requires a scalpel, not a meat cleaver.

banana_bread

I am so willing to take you up on this idea. Then I can email it to Newt!

HempDogbane

It's hard to choose between money-loving whores and the other kind.

Tundra Grifter

HDB:

The ones who are really in the business just for love?

Yeh, I saw Pretty Woman. But I don't think it was a documentary.

HempDogbane

per RavenRant below, the other kind is monkey-loving whores, though there is likely some overlap.

The unfortunate use of the term "person" in "legal person" or "artificial person" causes confusion.The terms are probably inherited from Britain, but "legal entities and individuals" is a lot clearer than "legal and natural persons" IMO. It is worse in French, where the distinction is between "personne morale" and "personne physique" and suggests that corporations are moral persons.

Thurman Munster IV

Time to bring this out again: I'll believe corporations are people after Texas executes one of them

And when Kruger found out what the Human Fund really was, he had to fire George Costanza. So much for Kruger Industrial Smoothing.

RavenRant

I initially read this headline as 'Monkey-Loving Whores'. 'Money-Loving Whores' is pretty pedestrian in contrast.

Tundra Grifter

I heard on the radio Pakistan has banned some 1,700 words and phrases from Twitter.

One was "monkey crotch."

not that Dewey

I guess there's no point in my even opening a twitter account, now. "Monkey crotch" was about 70% of what I had planned to tweet, and it would have totally raised the level of discourse on the twitter.

flamingpdog

Monkey-Loving Whores and Their Chimp Pimps – NEXT on the Jerry Springer Show.

RavenRant

Or at the Trump debate.

flamingpdog

Slightly OT, but it appears that ol' Crazy-Eyes would not approve of Monkey-Loving Whores.

RavenRant

Pearl Harbor libel and bestiality. These are the GOP hot topics now.

I swear their is a virus or parasite eating their already meager brains.

DahBoner

Most Republicans starve that virus…

reliefsinn

Don't forget the Muppet Conspiracy.
Piggy libel!

RavenRant

That particular dimwitted 'controversy' had momentarily slipped my mind. We are living in a carnival sideshow. And it's not nearly as fun as it should be.

Negligently_Joe

I'm so tired of these Monkey-Loving whores on this this Monday-thru-Friday plane!

Actually no wait that sounds kinda awesome.

BarackMyWorld

Except for Ron Paul and the three invisible Republicans they won't let debate, you know and I know every single other one of the candidates will standup for corporate rights faster than they would individual rights. Maybe it's time the media realized that it wasn't so much the candidates that are terrible but what the candidates believe that makes them terrible?

Geminisunmars

Nah – the candidates are pretty terrible too.

flamingpdog

the three invisible Republicans?WHAT'SHISNAME LIBEL!!!1!

Negropolis

I hope you aren't including Jon Huntsman among the invisible three, because that guy is the quintessential corporate prostitute. Hell, his fucking family name is the name of his family's corporation.

BarackMyWorld

Fred Karger, Gary Johnson, and Buddy Roemer.

Negropolis

Thanks. I'd totally forgot about Karger. I thought he'd dropped out.

Negligently_Joe

Give or take a Ron Paul, maybe.

Bonghits4Jesus

No, no, no. Soylent Green is People!

Lionel[redacted]Esq

Trump can host a debate, but someone like Colbert, that actually knows what is going on, can't? What is wrong with this picture.

On the other hand, the Trump debate will be far funnier.

flamingpdog

Especially when it turns out to be Newt <strike?>playing with debating himself.

RadioYKWE

He's their master debater who can stand toe to pod with Obamao.

Negligently_Joe

He is, at very least, an intellectual master debater.

Lionel[redacted]Esq

Shouldn't the question have been:

Corporations: People? Or the Best People?

spends2much

South Carolina is the saddest and dumbest Carolina. And that's saying a lot.

Chris Rock would probably do a damn good job. Gilbert Gottfried would give them what they deserve – humiliation.

I counter-nominate DL Hughely. Or for extra surrealism, a tag team of David Cross and Bob Odenkirk.

finallyhappy

no one can moderate Lewis Black!

fitley

Colbert would be a great moderator. He has such a dry delivery. Honestly, I think Comedy Central should have Lewis Black do the after the debate
commentary. I'm sure it would have great ratings and it would be a scream.

I would love to see Lewis Black host a GOP debate, but I'm afraid that he would stroke out in the middle of the inanity, stupidity, depravity and amorality.

RavenRant

You're right – the risk is too high. How about Larry David?

Nostrildamus

Too bad Sweeney Todd's not still around. He'd be perfect.

Tundra Grifter

Having to choose between Stephen Colbert and Donald Chump as a debate moderator isn't exactly a close call.

In fact, I'm not sure it's really a choice at all.

ttommyunger

"Stephen Colbert for President." No, wait, he's way too smart to go for that. BTW; every person can prove Citizenship, even Barack Obama. Since corporations are active in American Politics and they're people, I want them to declare and prove their citizenship. Orly Taitz and company should get behind this with me, right?

ThundercatHo

I really don't think you should let her get behind you.

ttommyunger

Ewwww. What was I thinking?

V572 the Merciless

Show us your birf certificate, AT&T!

ttommyunger

No shit!

Callyson

A. “corporations are people”
B. “only people are people.”
C. "Republicans are not people."
D. Both B. and C. are correct
E. What's the ROI on people?

Antispandex

Corporations – Not people.
Soilent Green – People.

Bluestatelibel

I will give the South Carolina GOP $50,000.00 if they put up this ballot referendum : "The Republican Party is run by corporate bootlickers who would sell their own mothers to the Chinese for blow and hookers" or "The Republican Party is full of nitwits with the brains of gnats who routinely vote against their own interests." Deal?

RavenRant

Only if there is an 'all of the above' option.

Also, "The Republican Party is for a government that is very, very small, but paradoxically big enough to have its tentacles up the cooch of every woman and girl in the country."

I've noticed that much of current Sat. Night Live script is not even written but is rather just quotes from the current week's newspapers. Even the celebrity skits. They just report some absurd thing a celebrity did — no extra jokes added.

Tommmcattt

At this point the debate is becoming whether or not actual people are "people" as defined by the constitution. Pretty soon, ONLY corporations will be people…

Dudleydidwrong

Yes. Corporations are realer people than are real people. It's a matter of "realness." And corporations, having all the money, are realer than the people. Each less-than-realer person now is second class and shall be counted as 3/5 of a person for determining the proportion of representatives. Less-than-realer people shall also be available for janitorial duties in all schools between the hours of 8 AM and 3 PM. And their less-than-realer children shall be available to work as janitors in schools between the hours of 3 PM and 6 AM. S/ The Supremes and The Newt, PhD.

RadioYKWE

They've been people since conception.

KathrynSane

Goddamn I love Stephen Colbert.

horsedreamer_1

The referendum was stricken from the ballot as Depeche Mode is not allowed in South Carolina on suspicion of being French.

Negropolis

And, Bon Jovi is banned from the state for sounding too foreign…and also for being Bon Jovi.

Due to a court allowing the language of Santa Clara vs Southern Pacific in 1886… that is why we need to do this. Damn judges not paying attention…

sbj1964

Corporations being given people status? Sounds Like a big Steaming pile of 1984.

littlebigdaddy

Colbert is only the most obvious satirist. Apart from the truly idiotic (Perry, Bachman, Palin) I think almost all of the prominent gooper-wingnut politicians and media types are performance artists. (Ann Coulter nude and covered in chocolate, anyone?) It's as American as Elmer Gantry.

Melt chocolate bars in double boiler.
Rinse Coulter in lukewarm water and pat dry with paper towel.
Dip Coulter slowly and carefully in chocolate. USE TONGS !
Place chocolate dipped Coulter on wax paper in freezer for 15 minutes.
Serve with ice cream

Dudleydidwrong

Ann Coulter nude and covered in fire ants…I like that better.

chicken_thief

Caramel coating would go better with her Adam's apple.

chascates

But are South Carolinian Republicans people?

Redhead

Wait, you mean they decided NOT to hold a debate hosted by a comedian getting involved with politics (though no one takes him seriously) with way too much money? But… I was looking forward to watching toupe guy right after Christmas.

rocktonsam

Blue Collar Comedy tour needz to get a PAC. Them Republicans would love Larry the Cable Guy to MC a debate.

seems about right

RavenRant

"You might be a Republican if…"

Dok-cupy Everything

Do corporations become people at the moment the partners conceive of them, or only when the articles of incorporation are filed?

flamingpdog

Neither, unless we're free to abuse, discriminate against, and execute them once the state accepts the articles of incorporation.

owhatever

Should gay corporations be allowed to marry in South Carolina?

littlebigdaddy

And are they persons from the moment when the articles of incorporation are drawn up or when they are approved by the secretary of state?

USA Today published a story claiming that Newt Gingrich broke the law when he said during the Republican Jewish Coalition GOP debate on Wednesday that he would appoint John Bolton, the former ambassador to the UN, as Secretary of State.
…
The clause that spares Newt is “for the purpose of procuring support in his candidacy.” As TPM reported, Bolton will not indicate if he would accept such a position, nor has he even endorsed a candidate.
~

arihaya

are there diamond mines in Iran?

if so no wonder Newt nominated John "Let's Bomb Bomb Bomb Iran" Bolton

banana_bread

Newt should be more careful, seeing as how we upstanding Illinoisans just put another governor in the pen for that.

Wait, now that I think about it… Newt, any other nominations you'd like to solicit?

Pfffft. Their big School has a Gamecock as their mascot.
That's right, Their big big institute of higher learning is named after Chicken Fighting.
A, "sport" where they tie razor blades to the feet of chickens and bet on which one will kill the other.

Well, certainly not an Amurican!!!1!1! Besides chopped livers are Jewish.Also not Amurican!!

gullywompr

Somewhere in South Carolina
And gravity don't mean a thing…

Negropolis

Elsewhere in South Carolina

It don't mean a thing
If it don't have a peen…

DahBoner

Unfortunately, there are no skyscraper BBQ shacks in SC to test out that non-theory…

V572 the Merciless

It's great that Colbert has found something vicious, funny and demonstrative to do with his Super-PAC money. This is way better than the "Rick Parry" stuff.

fuflans

"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"

RadioYKWE

Hicks are people.

Rosie_Scenario

Great trick ballot question, or the greatest trick ballot question?

DahBoner

Super Moran PAC!!!

NickDanger007

If only Soylent Green was this sort of people.

WeHaveIssues

Republicans, we do "it" for money. The more money the bigger the happy ending!

MzNicky

I want to fuck Stephen Colbert's brains out. No wait, strike that, his brain's too valuable. I want to fuck Stephen Colbert until he's blind. No, that's not right, either. Um … if I were still fertile I would beg Stephen Colbert to implant me with his seed. Okay, that works.