If you
know any good military jokes, please mail me, or post them in the
forum. These are just jokes, do not take them (too) seriously.. :)

Dear Abby, I have a problem. I have
two brothers. One brother is a boatswain in the Navy, the other was put to death
in the electric chair for a gruesome multiple murder. My mother died from
insanity caused by syphilis when I was three years old. My sisters are
prostitutes, and my father sells narcotics to high school students. Recently I
met a girl who was just released from prison. She was sentenced for smothering
her illegitimate child to death. I want to marry her.
My problem is - if I marry this girl, should I tell her about my brother who is
a Boatswain Mate.?
Sign Dilemma

A very respected Captain in
the Foreign Legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost. On his
orientation tour he noticed a very old seedy looking camel tied out behind the
enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "Why is a camel
tied to the barracks?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from
anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do ... uh ... we
have the camel ready for them.

The Captain said, "Well, I suppose if it's good for morale, then I guess it's
all right with me. After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely
months, the Captain simply couldn't control his sexual angst any longer. He
barked to his Sergeant: "BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!

The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and lead the camel
into the Captain's quarters. Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his
tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride.

"So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?" he asked.
The Sergeant replied, "Well, sir, usually they just use it to ride into town."

An Air force
officer goes to heaven
An air force officer goes to heaven and at the gate St Peter asks him if he has
ever done anything in his life that he believes makes him worthy of admittance
to heaven. The officer flyboy replies; yes, I once went into a bar with four of
my pilot friends and saw two Seabees harassing a young girl at the bar, so being
a gentleman I went up to the biggest one and told him to leave this young lady
alone. When he refused I told him again more forcefully. This time I slapped him
across the face and told this Seabee to stand down. St Peter said this was a
very good thing to do and asked when the pilot did this great act. The pilot
replied; about 5 minutes ago! My friends should be here shortly!

A
farmer's three daughters leave one night for dates with their new
boyfriends, one a Airman, the other a Soldier, and the third a Sailor.

The girls all bring their dates home that night, and the next morning, the
farmer wakes up bright and early at 05:30 to cook breakfast and meet the
boys his daughters have brought home.

The
Marine comes down at 5:45, clean, pressed, and spit-shined,
eats two eggs, an apple, and a glass of milk,
says, "Thank you for breakfast, sir", and leaves.

The
Airman comes down looking fairly squared-away at 06:30, eats three eggs,
two slices of bacon, two pices of toast, and has a glass of orange juice.
He says, "Thanks for the chow" and walks out the front door.

At
10:00, the farmer gets tired of sitting inside, so heads to the back yard to do
some chores,
when the Sailor comes dashing out of the house, dress white top stained,
neckerchief missing, one shoe in one hand and a scorched old cup of coffee in
the other,
and yells "Later!" on his way out of the yard and down the street.

His daughters come down a short time later, and he asks them all for
accounts of their evenings. The girl who'd been out with the Airman says,
"He was a perfect gentleman. He bought me dinner and a couple of drinks,
gave me a hundred dollars to buy myself something nice, and retired at 22:00
to the spare bedroom to sleep".

The
girl who'd been out with the Soldier said,
"He was a nice guy, we each paid for our own meals, and he tried to
sneak a kiss off me. He was sort of drunk, so I let him sleep in my bed,
while I took the floor, but, he did give me fifty dollars to buy myself
something nice".

The
third daughter, looking ragged and worn down, talking
about her date with the Sailor, says, "That asshole! He came over last
night smelling like booze, and finished a bottle of whiskey he'd brought
with him. He passed out on my bed last night after repeatedly trying to get
my pants off, and this morning he borrowed a hundred bucks 'til payday."Back

The "old" and
"new" Marine Corps...

There
has been lots of speculation about when the "Old Corps" ended and
the "New Corps" began.

I researched this and found the answer.

In 1775 the Marine Corps was formed at Tun Tavern in Philadelphia.

In the beginning they announced that any new recruit would get a free
tankard of rum.

But they didn't get as many recruits as they wanted so they announced
that from now on all new recruits would get two tankards of rum,

A Marine in the back ranks said,
"We didn't have it that good in the Old Corps"Back

Woman
calls the police on the 9-1-1 line.
When the dispatcher asks her what the
problem is,
she says "will you send someone out here to get this naked fighter
pilot off my lawn?"
The dispatcher sends a unit to the woman's address.

When
the Officer arrives, he sees the naked man lying, unconscious, on the woman's
lawn.
He asks the woman what the man's name is and she replies
"I have no
idea - just get rid of him."

The
Officer asks the woman, "Don't you know him?",
to which the woman replies,
"I've never seen him before in my life."
"Well then, if you don't know him -
how do you know he's a Fighter Pilot?", asks the Officer.

The
woman replies,
"well, look at him - he's got a Big watch, a little dick, and
he was trying to cash a check!"Back

A US
Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight.
During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank
is still full from the last flight.

So a
message is sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out
to take care of it.
The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft,
only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen
solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time.

He
returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do.
Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and
slowly) so as to not risk criticism later. As he's leaving the plane, the
pilot stops him and says,
"Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm
going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but
punished."

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up
tall and says,
"Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the
United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months
without any leave, and reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me.
I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is
40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump shit from your aircraft. Now
just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"Back

The USAF Chief Master Sgt.

A MSgt, a
TSgt and a Chief are off the flight line together for lunch.
While crossing a
park they come upon an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out in
a puff of smoke.

The Genie
says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first!"
Says the MSgt,
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat,
a beautiful
woman at my side and not a care in the world." Poof! He's gone.

"Me next!"
Says the TSgt.
"I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal
masseuse,
an endless supply of pina coladas and a beautiful woman."

Poof! He's
gone.

You're
next, the Genie says to the Chief. The Chief says,
"I want those two back on
the flight line right after lunch." Back

Pilot's pre-launch brief
off the carrier to his passenger
in a 2-place jet: "If anything goes wrong off the cat,
I'll say 'Eject Eject Eject'. If you say 'Huh?', you'll be
talking to yourself."