Kanye West Has Two Sex Tapes, But I Have Zero Interest. Someone Do That Math.

In news so shocking that I blinked my eyes at a faster pace than usual, TMZ alerts us that Kanye West has two sex tapes floating around right now. One is twenty minutes long and one is forty minutes long (not including commerical breaks). The woman in the sex tape’s currently unknown, but if she plays her kards right, we kould be looking at the next Kim Kardashian.

That’s two sex tapes that will not be on my Chanukah wish list this year. Or my birthday wish list. Or even my Arbor wish list. I can’t help but imagine that Kanye West sex tapes are the equivalent to watching your Sims get charisma points by talking to themselves in the mirror for hours on end.

How many times did he readjust the angle, fix the lighting and yell at Anonymous Kardashian for messing up her lines.

While he claims that someone stole these tapes off his computer, I think he’s probably confusing someone stealing them with the time when he sold them in a moment of narcissistic weakness. (Allegedly of course, always allegedly.)

You know the easiest way to find out which celebrities have sex tapes floating around? Look for the celebrities most obsessed with themselves and the most in need of constant attention. So much in need for constant attention that the publicity can be good or bad or horrific or nsfw or even evidence for a murder.

It’s a foolproof method. I promise you.

And for those you who are skimming this article and are looking for a quick conclusion to toss around during casual conversation today, I’ll give it to you here. Satan has won. And he now spells his name with a K.