Being yourself

Cheering each other on

Have you ever cleaned out your purse or messenger bag or carry-on luggage and found a little piece of old candy you forgot about?

Maybe it was a cellophane-wrapped sugar candy or a lollipop. Maybe it was a broken piece of holiday Candy Cane, or a piece of gum sitting so long on the bottom, the sugary goo had bled through the paper itself. It makes you wonder: Why didn’t I just eat this and get it out of the way when I took it? Why have I been carrying around this yucky little thing for so long without even realizing it?

Well, I think we all do the same thing with our emotional experiences, too. Sometimes, we experience something that makes us feel so embarrassed or guilty or full of shame, that we hold onto it like an old butterscotch.

We carry that guilt like candy left to sit and get sticky in our emotional brains, collecting dust bunnies from the corners of our heart for no good reason at all. I call that “guilt candy” and it’s time we cleaned out our emotional pocketbooks of them once and for all.

Sometimes, we experience something that makes us feel so embarrassed or guilty or full of shame, that we hold onto it like an old butterscotch.

Let me explain by telling you about the old piece of guilt candy I’ve carried around too long.

When I was a kid, I went to visit the offices of Newsday with my Dad, Ken Spencer, who worked as a feature photographer for the paper for over three decades. On our tour through the building, I was shown the newsroom, the paper machines and I got to meet some of the writers. The real actual newspaper writers! It was one of the most exciting and memorable days of my childhood. Yet there is one conversation I’ll never forget—for a strange reason.

One writer was showing me his desk and his computer (very likely a Commodore Vic 20 at the time). And, oh, I was in absolute awe as he showed me how he typed up his stories on his computer. I couldn’t believe my eyes when he showed me how he pulled down the “Print” screen. And how, with one press of a button, his story would be sent to the printer. With just a few seconds pause, the writer walked us across the room, twenty desks away, and up to the printer. “And here,” he said, pulling his article from the printer , “is the story we just printed.”

I couldn’t believe my eyes.

“That’s it?” I said, in awe that with just one tiny press of the “Return” button, those words on his screen were being somehow sent fifty paces across the room. Just one button!

“That’s it?” said the writer. “Gosh, what does it take to impress you?”

He was joking and laughing as he said it, and I was too confused by his laughter to get what he found so funny. But a few minutes later it finally hit me what he meant. That when I said “That’s it” I meant “One press of a button?! That’s all it took to get it here?!” But when I said “That’s it” he thought I meant, “Really, that’s all ya got?”

I was so young and shy and didn’t want to correct him that I let him joke and then carried on with the tour. And I spent the rest of the day feeling bad that he misunderstood me. Actually, it wasn’t just the rest of the day. I have carried that small, silly misunderstanding with me for thirty years. For thirty years, I have wished I could tell him that wasn’t what I meant, that he misunderstood, that I was blown away!

It has stuck with me in the strangest way, being misunderstood and mistaken for being ungrateful. But you know what’s funny? I’ll bet that if I was able to mention this to him today, he’d probably say, “I took you on a tour of what?” I couldn’t be more sure he has no recollection of it at all.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Carry around little old pieces of guilt candy that the other people in our lives haven’t even registered as a blip on the radar?

Check in with yourself and clear out your own old pieces of guilt candy. Trust me, it feels good to get it out and take the first step in letting it go.

See, Matt doesn’t have the best “game” when it comes to flirting with girls he likes. But what he does have are some not-actually-that-bad drawing skills. So every time he saw a girl he thought was pretty, instead of getting up the nerve to talk to them, he got a pen and drew them a picture. On notebook paper, on napkins, whatever he had handy. Then he’d tap the girl he liked on the shoulder and say, “Excuse me, I think you dropped this…” and see what happened.

Bert and Ernie from: IThinkYouDroppedThis.tumblr.com

Over the years, Matt has handed out notes from Grand Central station in New York to bars in Downtown Cleveland. And he’s noted what’s come of each and every approach with the girls.

Unluckily for him, not much has ever come from this pickup trick. But luckily for us, he snapped photos of his funny drawings before he handed them off, which he’s been posting on his Excuse Me, I Think You Dropped This Tumblr.

And while it may not have earned him any dates to date, every time I see a new note he posts, it makes me smile. He’s an optimist of the sweetest kind, who is presenting a true picture (literally) of who he really is. I think you’ll get a kick out of it if you check it out, too.

Bird and Pop Tart from: IThinkYouDroppedThis.tumblr.com

Koala with a scarf from: IThinkYouDroppedThis.tumblr.com

Matt: Good luck. Girls who may potentially get one of these: He’s a great guy! My readers and friends: Enjoy it all in the meantime: ithinkyoudroppedthis.tumblr.com

Seeing as this is the big love month, I wanted to share this fun news: I’ve updated my iPhone app Half-Orange Optimisms and in addition to making sure it works on all the iOS platforms and the newest iPhones, I’ve added a whopping 150 *brand new* thoughts to it. Which means the app now has more than 250 positive ideas to happy up your love life. Can you take it? I can barely take it.

Wait, do you know about this app yet? When it first launched along with my book Meeting Your Half-Orange, the iTunes store put it on the Hot List and it was recommended by The Daily News. You can find out more about the Half-Orange Optimisms app on the iTunes store. If you already have the app, be sure to update it to Version 2.0! And if you don’t have it, check it out. Because these are all original words of mine, and I wrote every single positive idea with happy love in mind. Here’s the gist:

Description

Do you sometimes feel discouraged with dating and love? If you could use a pep talk every now and then about yourself and your dating life, Half-Orange Optimisms is here. Your “half-orange” (the translation of the Spanish term mi media naranja) describes your sweetheart and perfect other half. And the path to yours can be paved using dating optimism. Use them as a companion piece to the book Meeting Your Half-Orange: An Upbeat Guide to Using Dating Optimism to Find Your Perfect Match by Amy Spencer, or just dive into dating optimism on your own!

These are not reprints of quotes or lines you’ve read before. Half-Orange Optimisms are freshly original tips and insights that provide the dating optimism you want on demand! Like a Magic Eight Ball of love wisdom, they’re the words of dating and life encouragement you need to hear at the time you need to hear them. Just ask for some sweet orange guidance, then shake the phone for the dose you need to turn on your positivity and draw the right person straight to you. And when an Optimism really hits home, email it to yourself or a good friend for an added boost.

FEATURES:
• Over 250 original, unique Optimisms written by Amy Spencer.
• Get a new Optimism every time you shake.
• Optimisms are more than just inspiring quotes—they provide actionable suggestions and ideas for improving your relationship point of view.
• A bright animated 3D orange delivers your message.
• Email your favorite Optimisms to yourself or a friend. Or save one to paste in your Notes app, a post or a tweet! (Note: There is not a Saved Favorites page within the app.)
• Optimisms are for all singles—women and men, single or divorced, of every age. If you are seeking your other half or just want reminders to make the most of a love you have, these words are for you. Your thoughts about dating can change your love life forever. Let Half-Orange Optimisms help you put your thoughts in a positive state of mind. Visit amyspencer.com to contact Amy and learn more about this app, as well as the books and the optimism that goes with it.

What’s New in Version 2.0

Big fixes and updates with this one! Cleaned out all the bugs and freshened it up, so it’s now working perfectly and up to date for all iOS and iPhones from the 4 on. Plus: I’ve added a whopping 150 *brand new* Optimisms in this version, so the app now offers more than 250 fresh, inspiring thoughts to enhance your gorgeous life even more.

When I was looking for love years ago, a lot of people told me: “Love yourself. Because you have to love yourself before you can love someone else.” All true of course. But I found that hard to gauge in the same way that, say, “Stop eating when you’re starting to feel full” is. Me, I don’t feel full until my plate is empty, and with no way to measure self-contentment, how do I know if I love myself enough?

Look at the beautiful life in front of you and live it up now.

What was easier to do, I realized, was to start loving my life. Because that was something I could do in an active, measurable way. For example:

Instead of going for drinks in desperation with any stranger I met (I mean, how many glasses of rosé can one girl drink?), I began to spend more time with my friends and my family who I loved. I went for lingering brunches and inhaled my freedom. I walked for hours around the city appreciating my health, my home, my apartment, my job and everything else I had going for me.

And because I didn’t have a husband and kids (though I wanted both), I traveled more than ever, and felt even better about my life when I was out exploring the world. And the more I appreciated my life, the happier and more fulfilled I felt. And the happier and more fulfilled I felt, the more I glowed. And the more I glowed, the more confident I was. And the more confident I was, well…that’s when the men came flocking. Yes, I had plenty of down days (my God!) But I had far more happy ones, and I’m grateful now that I made sure to have them.

So I suggest the same to someone looking for love this summer: Love every single second you have—and I mean that literally. Think about it: If all goes according to hope and plan and you do meet someone and fall in love, won’t you wish you didn’t waste these weeks or months of singleness you had left? If a crystal ball could tell you that you are going to meet someone in three months, aren’t there a few things you might want to do with the commitment-free single nights you have left? (Like, I don’t know, make out with a hot bartender you see absolutely no future with, just because you can?)

While you search for a partner, try not to bog yourself down with must-do dating rules or depressing thoughts or too many dates that you forget who you are and what you’re looking for in the first place. Look for love, of course, but while you’re doing it, live and love the life you have now. The more you do, the more likely it is that love will come flocking to you to find out your secret.

What advice would I give a friend trying to find love?

If you’re going to “try,” try to be the most fulfilled, content, inspired, kind, relaxed person you can be. If you feel your best, you’ll attract the best. (Image: Amy Spencer, Ojai Tea, 2014)

When I was single, I was always on the case to find love. I dated, I socialized, I went online, I scoped out events for cute guys the minute I entered. Which is why the advice that some people gave me was so aggravating. Their suggestion? “Stop trying. The minute you stop looking, for love, you’ll find it.” And while I got the gist of what they were saying—scouring the city with a wild love hunger was affecting my happiness—it also felt a bit defeatist. Like, really? Just sit back and wait for a guy to come knocking? It felt like the equivalent of “Just wait by the phone for a man to call,” which we girls learned to stop doing long ago. (At least I hope we have?)

But I think there is a line here. The way I see it, “trying” is one thing. And for that I mean: Going online to find love. Asking to be set up. Giving a guy a second chance even when there wasn’t chemistry the first time. If what you want is love, then I say sure, try anything.

But then there’s tryingtoo hard, and that’s another thing entirely. I know, because I’ve been the girl that tried too hard, though I didn’t know it at the time. As I wrote about in Meeting Your Half-Orange, I cringe when I think about the guys I pushed to like me, the dates I pushed to happen, the parties I waded through in desperation, asking everyone, “Is anyone single here? Have you seen any cute guys?” I remember once hounding my sister once to arrange a set-up with the brother of a friend of hers who was mentioned to me in passing. (Can you follow that?) I’d call my sister every day asking, “Did you talk to R about her brother yet? Have you heard anything? Can you make it happen? Three weeks later, the brother finally told R, who told my sister, who told me: “He said ‘I hear she’s a brunette. I don’t date brunettes…”

God, I felt like a fool. Not only was I trying too hard, but I doing it for some jerk-off (can I say that on here? Trust me, I want to say worse!). The point is, that experience was not good for my self-esteem. I felt like a desperate single woman “on the prowl” just like Aly’s friend, willing to do anything to find a partner. Persistence seems to work with everything else in life, I thought, so why not with love?

Well, because love can’t be earned by hours worked or effort repaid. Finding love is, unfortunately, one of those things we can’t force or control. Try, definitely. But if you feel yourself trying too hard—and by that I mean feeling desperate, turning ugly, feeling down on yourself, hating the search for love—then stop! Please, for your own sake. Stop the cycle that I was in and focus on other things for a minute. You can try again later. The watched pot never boils, and a depressingly-stared-and-glared-at love life won’t heat up either.

Yeah, it sounds unhelpful to suggest sitting back and resting. But sometimes, for your own sanity, you need to! Pick one of the other 135 facets of your life that make you who you are, other than dating—friends, exercise, reading, writing, dancing, cooking, walking, eating—and focus on that for a minute.

And who knows, you may end up being one of those people who (like me) end up saying, “It’s so funny, the minute I stopped trying…” and “It was just when I least expected it…” Remember, clichés become clichés because there’s truth in there.

So if you’re going to try at anything, I’d like to suggest this: Try to be the most authentic person you can be. Try to find things that create a bubbling happiness inside of you whether you’re with someone or not—like cooking for your friends, traveling to far off places, taking some Krav Maga classes, or writing poetry. Try to see the world as wide open as you can, full of all kinds of people you might meet, experiences you might have, and love for family and friends that bursts as big as the romantic one you’re looking for.