December 01, 2006

Epiphany

I have not really stopped moving, other than to be sick (or "exercising my immune system," rather) for the past few weeks. I am in another town, again, today. We had a lovely time in Utah, but endured a whole lot of driving.

Two weeks ago, whilst in San Francisco, I met up with a colleague and friend of mine. She mentioned how several people I work with think of me as blunt, intimidating or otherwise unpleasant. When she said this, I experienced a moment of gripping panic, of disapproval, of wanting to scramble to make it up to these people, prove myself likable.

But that moment, that feeling of a bad child needing approval from some perceived authority figures, suddenly cleared. I felt at peace, I relaxed and smiled at my friend. I changed the topic. I actually finally don't care if people (namely opposing counsel) don't like me. Seriously. My clients like me and pay me well to be an intimidating, blunt, bitch who wins for them.

I know many people learn this lesson early on, in grade school -- that it's okay if not everyone likes me. I guess I'm a late bloomer but it really is liberating for me to be free of caring about that. This is a big deal for me, a breakthrough. No matter what stance you take, how diplomatically and compassionately you try to live your life, somebody, somewhere will be unhappy with your choices.

They won't like the way you look, what you wear, your chosen profession, the words you choose, your partner, the food you eat, the music you enjoy, your vices of choice, or, you know, the dozens of intimidating letters you keep sending, demanding justice.

Fuck them all, my dears. Love yourself, live boldly, take a stand, speak out, be strong and dance a little. Dance a lot.

I think that it is harder for women to get the approval monkey off of our backs because we have been told for our entire lives that we are supposed to be nurturing and considerate, that this is our nature. So after years of conditioning to believe one thing it finally dawns (on some of us anyways) that is ok (and in our best interest) to leave all that people-pleasing bs alone and that we can put ourselves and our ideas first without feeling guilty about it.

I love the way you handled this situation. I'm also glad you shared the experience with us. It's always good to know that other people struggle with the same thing and get past it. I'm pretty sure that very few people learn the "everyone doesn't have to like me" lesson in grade school. Some people are just better at hiding their angst than others.

Thanks, everyone! It is nice to know I'm not the only one who struggles with this. And yeah, I think women get this message more than men, possibly. Be pretty, be nice, be good . . . I'm so over it (today, anyway) ; )

Great post Jayne. It's been only in the last few years that I seem to have been able to ditch that approval monkey off my back. But, I slip from time to time. Dunno why, but every now and then I get this anxious twinge when I hear that someone, or realize that someone doesn't like me. Most often, it's my own in-laws .... you'd think after all this time, I'd GET IT -- and for the most part, I no longer care they don't like me, but every now and then ....... So see, you're not the only one.

"... it's okay if not everyone likes me. I guess I'm a late bloomer ..."

Yah... Me too. It STILL gets me down when I'm not stickin' to all those steps in the 2nd to the last line. But I've finally started to ".. dance a little. Dance a lot", so life is less stressful and no doubt about it.

You being you, at least on your blog, has been a boon to me, Jayne. I can relate so well emotionally to so much of what you've written and, to see you growing and accepting yourself throughout your own evolution... That's just totally encouraging and mucho appreciado! {-;