Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Noel Biderman considers himself simply a businessman...and, perhaps, one unfairly persecuted for his particular business. But whether you think he deserves persecution would likely depend on whether or not you've ever been betrayed. Biderman runs AshleyMadison.com, a Web site for married people seeking affairs. Its slogan, "Life's short. Have an affair" offers up an indication of just how cavalierly Biderman takes this particular transgression.

He wants us, similarly, to view affairs not as devastating or soul-destroying, but rather as fairly harmless...in some cases, he believes, even helpful. In fact, he's written a book "Cheaters Prosper: How Infidelity Will Save the Modern Marriage" to guide us through his thoughts and recently spoke with a Globe & Mail reporter to share his wisdom. And while I know women who believe that their spouse's affair ultimately led to some wonderful changes in their own lives, I know not one who would ever suggest having an affair is a path toward personal growth or marital happiness. So...6 signs Noel Biderman is an idiot?? Read on...

1. Biderman asserts that polygamy is a more natural state than monogamy and that "many cultures are still happy to condone that kind of approach." While I'm no anthropologist and I know of at least a few studies that suggest humans are not naturally monogamous, I nonetheless know of no cultures in which women are polygamous. In other words, polygamy is essentially gender inequality – a state of matrimony in which women are little more than baby-making machines. Hardly something we women aspire to.

2. His subtitle, indicating that he believes infidelity will save the modern marriage, is based on his belief that "postinfidelity, you find that it's a real opportunity for you to take a reflection." I would suggest that this reflection should ideally take place before one invites another into the marriage. However, upon further reading of the article, I realize that...

3. Biderman suggests that this reflection occur in the betrayed spouse! How naive of me to assume that it was the cheating spouse who might want to spend a little time "reflecting." The "you" is...me. And he suggests that, once I learned about my husband's infidelity it was my chance to "come to the logical conclusion that [I] was contributing to this affair..." How? Apparently, by not giving my husband enough sex. Which brings us to:

4. Biderman, like many, many people, believes that affairs are about sex. Yet there's ample evidence, anecdotally and in books, articles, journals by marriage counsellors who've dealt with the fallout of thousands of AshleyMadison.com et al casualties revealing that affairs are rarely just about the sex. According to Gary Neuman, a marriage counsellor who wrote The Truth About Cheating, ninety-two percent of men say it wasn't primarily about the sex. "The majority said it was an emotional disconnection, specifically a sense of feeling underappreciated. A lack of thoughtful gestures," Neuman says. Which still amounts to another man blaming wives for their husbands cheating...but at least he isn't blaming it on lack or variety of sex.

5. Biderman's evidence that infidelity will improve our marriages? A lot of men, he says, are "angry and taking things out on their family." Why? Sexual frustration, of course. "They start having an affair and all of a sudden, that stress if removed." As a result, he suggests that "it might be easier not to be frustrated with your partner. The conversation could take a different directional tone and that could lead to intimacy." Conversational tone such as "did you get a blowjob over the lunch hour, honey?" or perhaps "will I need to be tested for STDs or did you use a condom?" Is this guy for real?

6. And finally, Biderman notes that he'd be devastated if his wife cheated on him. Surprising, since her cheating would, by his estimation, lead him to incredible soul-searching and marital bliss once he comes to terms with what he did to make his wife cheat. In other words, I don't think even he believes his own bullshit.

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We're mothers, daughters, sisters, friends, wives. Wives of men who cheated.
Never did we expect to be that last one.
But here we are.
Along with some wonderful women we've met on our journey toward wholeness, after feeling completely shattered. We call ourselves the "Betrayed Wives Club". But don't feel sorry for us. We're definitely not victims. Nor are you. We're kicking infidelity's (ahem) ass and remain determined to help you do the same.
We're mothers, daughters, sisters, friends, wives.
Wives who have overcome our husbands' betrayal.
Never did we think we could be that last one.
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