The Unicorn Rides Again: The Bachelorette Recap, Week 1

Between January and May lies a sad, arduous march between the end of The Bachelor and the resumption of The Bachelorette. Tonight, my friends, we awake from our nightmare.

Jojo is taking another break from her house flipping career to join us as our esteemed Bachelorette. She begins with a group counseling session from fellow Bachelorettes of yore. Some solid life advice from the crew:

Roberto was so hot that all I wanted to do was, like, take his clothes off every single time I saw him and I didn’t really get to know him. — Ali

Oh Ali. As the kids say, SMH.

Let’s meet us some dudes!

Grant is a firefighter with the scariest, pointiest chin in the known human gene pool:

Like maybe he’s a firefighter, maybe he’s Jafar from Aladdin. His occupation description would read: malevolent sultan. Alex is a marine. Has a marine twin brother. Mom presumably tells them apart by their differing sleeve tattoos. Ali is an Iranian pianist bartender who skateboards with a Bichon Frise. K. Evan is like some kind of med tech at a men’s clinic. ABC stretches this for LOLs and his occupation tagline reads “erectile dysfunction specialist”. We (everyone with an IQ over 30) see what you did there, ABC. Christian is a telecom consultant with daddy issues. Luke tries to pass himself off as a farmer, except he’s wearing skinny jeans and a Hollister shirt and struggling to lift the feed bag. He says he’s “100% country boy” but I think an accurate approximation might be more like 31% country boy. Luke, let me just ask you a few questions: Do you got an ole fiddle? When the sun’s comin’ up do you got cakes on the griddle? I DID NOT THINK SO.

We’re back to Jojo. Exactly WTF did she choose to wear tonight?

I mean if you ask her I’m sure she’d describe that hue as espresso or glazed toffee or something but she looks like a big burlap tube.

The entire middle bulk of the show is predictably awful and boring. I laze on the sofa and text my Bachelorette Advisory Panel until the men are a few more drinks deep. Even then they’re a pretty terrible and boring group. Let’s see. Daniel the pasty, Norman Batesian creeper jumps into the pool. Nick the Santa Claus is sweaty. Ali takes to the courtyard piano and thinks he is HOT STUFF because he can play Fur Elise along with 86% of the world’s 8th graders.

Jordan breaks through as the star of the night. If he looks familiar it’s because he looks exactly like that dweeb Jef [sic] who won Emily’s season, right down to the same idiotic poofy haircut. Here, I even made a formal comparison:

Gawd. It’s like they order these people out of a catalogue.

Alright, Jojo. Selection time. How many ridiculous little corsages does she need to give out? Like 10 or 12 or something? If I were the Bachelorette I would truly struggle to come up with that many dudes from this pool to keep around. It is SLIM PICKINGS this season. It might go down something like this:

*Stares at picture frames*
*Continues staring at picture frames*
Chris Harrison: Sarah, have you chosen?
*Stares a little more at picture frames*
*Hurls self through window*

She keeps around most of the predictable options and a few other losers. The preview for the rest of the season looks glorious. Hopefully they offer more fodder than tonight. Join me back here next week! It’s my solemn vow to not flake out on recaps this season.

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I like to think of this as a mom blog with benefits. We reject niches and do it all here— the snarky, the sentimental, the hilarity of the everyday. Always fun, never lame, may contain traces of tree nuts.