Robert Minch - I Say: What did the Mayans know and when did they know it?

The end of the world folks must have been disappointed with the results of the Mayan Calendar fizzle. The world, as you have undoubtedly noticed, did not come to a flaming conclusion on the 21st of December. Whereas the much celebrated Calendar did run its course, we are assured by the experts in this field that it renews itself. It starts all over again.

We are now apparently in the Mayan Year One, and that must be a good omen for what the rest of us will, in a few days, mark as 2013. We hope the New Year will surpass the old with less violence and an abundance of peace and understanding... but that may be too tall an order for our present leaders to accomplish. As to those who believed in the Mayan Calendar, Astrology and the like, a remark from astronomer Andrew Fraknoi may prove of benefit: "Such specious thought could be dispelled if our schools taught a class in skeptical thinking." But then that would impact negatively on Sunday School attendance... so never mind.

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Was this past year a good year for you? From an economic sense, it appears to have been a year of anxiety. The recession lingered, the weather was frightful, those out of work continued to search for sustainable living... and the shootings of the innocents has continued unabated.

If that were not enough, my new lap top just dumped my entire I Say text destined to be read today. That said, I am starting from scratch and trying to recall my previous pithy remarks. If this were a movie, the screen would zoom in on a site, say, on a beach, where this single spaced effort has been left unattended, and the sheets of same are shown being blown, one after another, into the surf. Such grief! Such waste! And yet there are those who would add, as did Henry Higgins in My Fair lady, "How delightful!"

However, consider the only-one-subject-in- depth treatment columns running Tuesday and Saturday. How do those chaps do it? They stay in character and either rant and pontificate about the recent election failures and the shocking attempts by some to limit the sale of automatic weapons...or they enlighten readers regarding the faulty analysis and bias of many. In either case, they are entertaining, but they must require erudition far beyond my 3-dot efforts.

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"You know you are a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't." Jeff Foxworthy

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The New Year brings promise of a reconstituted Red Bluff City Council. This go around, we hope, will see them address the plight of the homeless, who currently must rely on the goodness of the PATH Winter Emergency Shelter Plan which names the various church groups who offer said shelter.

Even then, their hours of operation are from 5 in the evening to 8 the next morning with the caution that no pets are allowed. After 8 a.m., the homeless must hope for a sunny day.

In any case, the aforementioned council has issued the obligatory suitable-for-framing letters lauding the outgoing members for their outstanding work. Well and good, but I hope they put an asterisk after each name noting (as will Barry Bonds' entry into the Baseball Hall of Fame for assisted living via steroids) , a less than satisfactory effort to secure a permanent shelter for the homeless.

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From the Ashland, Ore. Police Blotter: "Lower Duck Pond, Lithia Park. Police responded to a report of two dogs running loose and attacking ducks at 11:20 a.m. Saturday. The officers cited a resident for the loose dogs. The ducks refused medical treatment and left the area."

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"If toast always lands butter side down if you drop it, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?" Steven Wright

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Kids allegedly say the strangest things. A grandmother was in the bathroom applying makeup. She was about to leave when her little granddaughter reminded her, "Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper goodbye." Another little girl was diligently pounding away on a typewriter when her grandfather asked what she was doing. "I'm writing a story." When he asked her what it was about, she replied, "I don't know. I can't read yet."

A teacher asked the class to form a sentence about a public servant. A small boy wrote, "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside and asked him if he knew the meaning of the word "pregnant." He said, "Sure I do. It means carrying a child."

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Last week's quiz was first answered by D. McGill who "discovered" that Grendel was killed by Beowulf, Groucho's real name was Julius Henry Marx, and three of his movie names were Rufus T. Firefly, Gordon Miller and Otis P. Driftwood. She was awarded first place by default because our cousin in Burlingfarb was disqualified, as nepotism has no place in this quiz game unless money is included along with the answers.

This week's quiz: Despite their names, what is the sex of Santa's reindeer, what is Whoopi Goldberg's real name...and what is a "baron of beef?"

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I received a book titled "Milton Berle's Private Joke File" containing more than 10,000 gags, anecdotes and one liners. So, we won't be running repeats for awhile. A couple met in a retirement community.

They were both 90 years old. Since love knows no years, one look at each other was enough and they married a week after they met. On the first night of the honeymoon, they got into bed, held hands and squeezed them. On the 2nd night they squeezed hands again.

On the third night, the husband pressed his wife's hand. She replied, "Not tonight. I have a headache."

----------- Robert Minch is a lifelong resident of Red Bluff and former columnist for the Corning Daily Observer and Meat Industry magzine. He can be reached at rminchandmurray@hotmail.com.