The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - Koi Pond

Welcome,children of the scranton industrial park communities! Yay! Join your gangster pumpkin on his pallet truck of doom. Don't worry about a thing. Rest assured you will see me later! We are doing a haunted house this halloween, which is actually kind of spooky, because,as legend has it, on this very site there used to be a productive paper company. I am going to scare these kids so bad. This is the spookiest warehouse in the world,kids. You don't believe me? Just take a look. Scary,huh? This is a surgery with An octopus and a burn victim. Black widow. Leeloo from the fifth element. Look,nobody told me what people were,all right? So label yourselves or take what you get. I vant to sell your blood! That's really not the trend in vampires right now. Here is an old man and a goth dude, and then the old crone from drag me to hell. I'm a hobo. I asked for a list. And a clown. I'm jigsaw,idiot. You're not as scary as bookface over there. Yes,I am the popular social networking site known as bookface. Okay,kids,you all have been so good and unbelievably patient, so I think you are gonna get some candy! Yay! Kids,just remember, suicide is never the answer,all right? Why is christmas the only holiday that can have a message? It is the easy way out. You are not alone. What the hell is wrong with you? Who wants candy? proudly presents sync:Â°Ã®ÂµÃÃÃ­ Season06 Episode07 And then,I think I'm going to go to the garlic festival. Sounds like fun. You guys would love it. They have a tcby booth. - Cool. - Same stuff you get downtown. - Mm-hmm. - Do you like tcby? Who doesn't? I can't believe it's I can't believe it's yogurt. Oh,it'll be fun. I confirmed with raskin design, and they're expecting the both of you in an hour. Actually,it's just gonna be me. They said the both of you. That's a mistake. You should give 'em a call,check that out. All right. Just clear this up. Well,there's actually been a few changes in the company, and michael and I are actually at the same level, so I get No. No,why would that be a problem? Jim is a good kid. He can handle a lot, but sometimes you have to call in a master. I,uh Why would you date an amateur when you could date a professional? Great. See ya then. Wha What? They said that they would feel more comfortable if you came along. Why don't they just want you to go by yourself? Why do they want me to come,too? I don't understand. - I absolutely don't understand,either. I don't want you to feel like I'm babysitting you or something. All right.All right. Let me go get your stroller. Sure,michael's a good teacher. A teacher is someone who stands right next to you your whole life and never lets you do anything. That's what a teacher is,right? - What are you gonna call him? - Dave. - No,what is his name? - Dave. Mr. Borchard. They're very formal. Yeah,I've spoken to them on the phone. Yeah,well,this is not the phone. This is real life,baby, and you gotta own it. Is that what you are wearing? Yes,it is. And that is the watch that you are going to wear? No,it is not. You should wear this watch. I will loan it to you. It is a tankard. I highly recommend you wear that. No,thanks. - They are into style. - Mm-hmm. - They are into appearance. We are selling success. And paper. That's sort of secondary. Nope. no. He's trying to micro-co-manage me. Or co-micromanage Me. - Here we are outside - W.b. The wilkes-barre industrial park. Industrial p. Makin' cold calls. The two people with the lowest sales in the quarter have to do them. ** *** Yeah,I was gonna sing that part. I know. Now you don't have to. Well,except it was gonna resolve the melody,so Now my head hurts.Feels like I held in a sneeze. I hate this feeling. all right. Hi,any messages? You're soaking wet. Oh,well,jim and I got caught in a little flash Rain, flash winds,flash lightning. Wow. Sounds scary. It was,it was. And then in an instant,it wasn't. Why isn't jim wet? I Outran it. I don't think it rained. My hip would be throbbing. It rained. Michael,can I get you something A towel,some cocoa? Nothing. Cocoa. I'll just leave that suit in your office then? Good. Yep. Must be nice to have company on these cold calls. We're kind of a dynamic duo. Or trio. How exciting! Do you guys know the sex yet? Oh,no. No. We're not together. No,no,no. Definitely not. Definitely not. No,we just work together. Looks like somebody's got a case of the "definitelys." Um,michael? The custodian from raskin design is on the line. He said they found your keys in the kol pond. O - kay,thank you. Did you say kol pond? Yeah. Michael,people are asking questions. Okay,put them on speaker. Hey,guys,what's goin' on? Hey,michael,did you fall into a kol pond? Uh,can't really hear you. I think we have sort of a bad connection. Jim,did michael fall into a kol pond? It's like michael said. It was,um,some Something else. It was Okay,this is what it was. It was these bunch of idiots that had put a fish tank in the ground with no cover and no railing. - So you fell in. - No! Maybe I was trying to save a child that had fallen in. So a child had fallen in? Not yet! That is hilarious. No,it Don't. I'm not gonna bump! I'm not gonna bump,and it was not hilarious. It was very,very terrifying. Truthfully,it wasn't the way he fell in. It was how long it took him to get out. And we'd like to offer you as our way of welcoming you to the area. Well,that sounds like a really nice deal. Sha-bow. And I must say,that since we are a family business, it's nice to see that you are,too. Oh! No Wow! You thought that Oh,my gosh. Oh,definitely not. My mistake. I'm sorry. It's okay. Nah,actually,it's kinda not okay. Um,I date models.Face models. My girlfriend,on a scale of one to gisele, uh,a nine. That's That's good for you. Anyway,we also have a special on envelopes. Pam's carrying our surrogate, because my girlfriend needed to keep her figure for fashion week, so we,uh,we put our baby in pam. It doesn't matter what pam looks like. Yeah. You were way meaner to me than I was to you. No,I wasn't,okay? The very idea of us together made you burst out laughing like you just bit into an adam sandler and jelly sandwich. You blew the sale,you idiot! Let me tell you something. I was never gonna make that sale. Erin,do we have any of those clips that hold paper together? Staples? Uh,david wallace called. Oh,he did? What did he say? He heard you made a big splash at the meeting. Oh,my god,that was so mean what I just said,and I didn't mean it. It was kevin and meredith put me up to it. Okay. I'm gonna kill you. Michael,don't listen to them. Thank you,stanley. You just ignore their carping. Okay. - Michael! - Yes? A carp is both a fish and a term for complaining. They're mocking you with wordplay! Hey,boss,did you find nemo? I can name pixar movies,too. Toy story. Don't you mean kol story? When you fell in,did you flounder? Good one,phyllis. - Michael,flounder is both a kind of a fish - I know what a flounder is. I'm not usually the butt of the joke. I'm usually the face of the joke. I wish jim had fallen into that pond. Then he'd have to put on my suit,and it would be too short, and he'd look Damn it,he'd still look good. The most fundamental thing about sensitivity training is that you cannot make fun of a person for something or some action that they have done that they regret. Show of hands. Who here has been kol-ponded? Who here has been the butt of a joke that has gone too far? - Phyllis. - Michael,you make fun of us every day. - Uh - Yeah,every single day. You never said anything. - Uh,we have countless times. - Well,it is hard to tell the difference between you guys saying stop because I want you to stop, or stop as in,"stop! You're making me laugh so hard. "what you're doing is so funny. "you're on a roll,I am busting a gut. Stop!" that's never been the case. We are going to make a "do not mock" list,okay? Anything that we think might be out of bounds, we put on this list. Anything you put on this list, you cannot be teased about. Got it? I'm gonna kick it off. Let's see what I have to put on the list. Right? Okay. I also have fallen into the fountain at the steamtown mall. Okay,who else? Who else?Dwight,come on. I don't want people making fun of my nose. Your nose? It's too small. Right. Oh,my,that is small. Just write it down,please. Can you breathe okay? What keeps your glasses on? Hey,it's on the list,everybody. No,I haven't finished writing. Did you sneeze it off? That's it! No more. Okay,who else? Who else? Everybody's going to get their chance. I don't want people making fun of my weight. Okay,that's too broad.It's gotta be something else. How about your stomach? Yeah? Meredith? I don't want to say it out loud. Okay,fine. Come on up here. Write it yourself, and don't sign your name to it, and nobody look. Everybody look away.Look away. Well,I really didn't want to put it on the board, but I thought maybe it was gonna come out somehow,so What are you gonna do? Okay. That is our sales pitch, and we are stickin' to it. Well,you two are quite the salesmen, and a very cute couple. Well,it's Thank you. Thank you. Some couples don't seem like a good match, but you two do. Well,you know. Yeah,you know,two peas in a pod. We complete each other. What can I say? She loves to cook He loves to eat. I love to dance. I love to watch him dance. Right,sometimes i'll just dance for hours in the living room And I'll watch him. And a baby on the way? You must be so excited. Mmm. Yes. Yeah,we are thrilled. In fact,we spent the whole weekend researching various birthing coaches. - Wasn't that fun,honey? - It was,sweetie. Oh,I know the best teacher. Her name's Miss janet. Yeah,on clearview avenue. Yeah!Yeah. This sounds ridiculous,I know, but some people say that I eat like a squirrel. So now you're comparing yourself to a cute,tiny animal? Um,michael? Hmm? The custodian called again. Apparently,a kol has died. It's a fish. They want you to pay for it. It could have died of natural causes,though. Well,they said you stepped on its head. He did not suffer. Um,when is the funeral? Do not mock,oscar. Do not mock. How much do they want? $300. What? No. I could get a fish for a five-cent worm. Oh,you're paying way too much for worms,then. Who's your worm guy? Okay,great meeting,everybody. That's it. No,no. Thank you. No! We are not done here. This One of the baby books suggests the best birthing posture is on all fours like an animal. I just wish I had a special telephone so I could find out exactly what the little soybean wants,right? Hey,li'l soybean,what do you want? Right. How do It I felt a kick. - Oh,that's great. - Oh,my gosh,like a little magical foot just high-fived me. Yeah. Well,that'll happen. Oh,my gosh. It's like he's trying to say, "i love you,too,daddy." I love you,too. Sometimes we're so excited, we forget where we are Mmm! Like at a business meeting. Message received,lil' soybean. I think you just gotta ride this one out,man. No,jim,you don't understand. Things like this just don't die. Kids in high school still call me ponytail. - No,they don't. - Yes,they do,jim. Because of the time I got my ponytail stuck in the power drill. Maybe if you make fun of yourself,it'll all go away. I want to make fun of you right now. Really? Do it. I am a big,stupid goofball. No,don't do that. You're not. You're not stupid. See? Oh,my god. Hey,I I just want to say that I cannot believe that I walked into a kol pond. I mean,seriously,walk much? Oh! I should wear a snorkel to the next business meeting that I go to. Michael,you know,when you think about it, it's not all your fault. I mean,who puts a kol pond in a lobby? Well,you know what? You're right,phyllis, but I've been there before. I've seen that pond. This is the thing,I am a world-class moron. Michael,please,stop it now.You're embarrassing yourself. It's okay. We're having fun. It's actually not the first time I've been embarrassed by a pond. Well In high school,the girl's volleyball team always used to throw me into the frozen lake. Four years in a row. Ha! Ohh! It was freezing! No,no,no! Oh,this is even worse. Couple of weeks ago,I went to get a new cell phone, and I wanted one of those packages where you have the five You know,the friends, friends and family thing? And the guy was like,"who are your five friends?" and I'm like,"uh " I didn't even know! I couldn't even think. Oh,my god! It was so embarrassing! That was,well I don't even have jan's cell phone number, and I hate her! She won't give it to me. It's like,oh,well,I guess I'm a loser. A loo-hoo-hoo-hoo-ser! Too far! God! Thanks a lot,man. Thanks for the advice. Enjoying your nut? Why? I'm not mocking.I was just making an observation about her Nut. I was. Hey,who wants to watch michael's pond dive? My roommate's friend is the night janitor over there. He swiped the security tape for me, and he's bringing it over. Mmm,you know what?Maybe we should go easy on michael,guys. You know,you watch that tape, and you're gonna have to stay late for more sensitivity training,so We'll stay late. Well,that went pretty well. Yeah,I guess. We got a maybe. Was our first maybe. Going by the nard-dog curve,i'd say we nailed it. If I'm being completely honest,I could have done without the belly kiss. You know what? I'm sorry, 'cause in that moment, I knew I was kissing your belly too much. - Yeah,way too much. - Yeah. I mean,what the hell was that? What the heck was that? When you cried. Ahh! Try "almost cried," okay? I just got caught up in the fantasy. Your fantasy involves comparison shopping birthing classes? No. I know I'm gonna go with Miss janet. I just I don't know,it was fun to role-play,right? I mean,it's fun for me, having a wife and a little baby. I'm so sick of being single. Well,are you dating anyone? What do you think of erin? I mean,she's She's kinda cool. You think I can do better? I gotta get my goin' out on. Hey,let's watch this thing! Whoa! Oh,whoa,okay. Yeah,we're not watching this. How can we not watch this? What happened to "do not mock"? We're not mocking. We're watching. That will inevitably lead to mocking. Well,we'll deal with it as it comes. Is this the tape of me falling? Yes,put the dvd in. Open up quicktime. It starts on the song. No,use quicktime. Trust me,I've done this. Guys,michael can't handle this, and as your boss,I'm saying we're not watching it. No,it's okay. Watch it. He can't fire all of you. What are you doing? It's all right. I can handle it. No. I am a grown-up,jim. Shh! It's on. There they come. Boom! Did Did you see that? See what? Wait,why'd you stop it? Oscar,yes,you're right to stop it. Thank you. Eject it. Jim,you let michael fall in. Play it again. He purposefully leaned away and let you fall. Oh,man. I think when I started to see you go in,I think I just froze. I don't think you froze. It's a killer new dance move. Do you want to talk in your office? no. I didn't ask you. Would you like to talk? Judas. Jim is my enemy, but it turns out that jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend, so jim is actually my friend. But because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy, so actually,jim is my enemy. But I should have grabbed you. I'm sorry. Look,I thought I could have done today's sales call alone. I mean,I may never be as good a salesman as you are, but I at least need the chance to do the job. Jim is jealous of me? Jim is jealous of me. Hey,what's up,lifeguard? Oh,jim,I think I'm in your way. Oscar's a douche. No,he's all right. No,he's a Yeah,he's all right. Okay. - Thanks,michael. - You're welcome. Whoa! Almost fell. Hey,erin,do you mind faxing this for me? Oh,sure. Wait. Hand them to me upside down, so I don't accidentally read them. Okay. Thanks. Mm-hmm. How did today go by the way?Did you make any sales? No,it was a total waste of time. Um,it was fun,though, because I got to spend the day with andy bernard. He's really cool. Yeah,he is. Yeah,he is. He's like the coolest person I've ever met. That's Right. He's like marlon brando. Oh. Do you mean marlon wayans? 'cause he is. I actually do mean marlon wayans,yeah.