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Fuck/marry/kill Vol. 32

It’s been a while…since I said I’m sorry. Word to Staind, it’s that time again. To clarify, as always, fuck/marry/kill is dumb and juvenile. This is done in total jest (though my answers are honest) and not meant to be taken seriously. Clearly, I don’t want to kill or marry any of these people, nor do I have the power to make any of those three options happen. It’s just a dumb game. If this kinda thing tends to bother you, just skip it cause it’s not gonna change your mind.
To those who know the drill, enjoy!

F/M/K: brunette with slight social issues edition: That depressed chick from The Breakfast Club that volunteers for detention (Ally Sheedy) 2. Jeneane garafalo in Romy and Michele’s High school reunion 3. Rose McGowan in Planet Terror

Kill: Jeneane Garofalo In Romy and Michele’s High school reunion
I’m assuming these choices are based upon the actual characters and not the real life actresses so I’m gonna just role with that in mind.
I haven’t seen this movie in a while and, being that I’m a male, it was never a huge deal to me. It was cute but I know girls who feel this one is one of the all time great comedies. Anyway, I kinda recall her character being sarcastic , somewhat mean and void of any sexuality. While that’s a personality type I could see myself being friends with on some level, it certainly doesn’t inspire me to want to have sex or marry that person. It’s a bummer too cause I always though Garofalo was secretly kinda pretty. Just not in any way I’d want to get physical with. Like I said, she didn’t exactly emanate that particular vibe.
So, just based on that, I gotta kill Garofalo in this movie. I’d probably wanna get drunk and talk shit with her first though.

Fuck: Rose McGowan in Planet Terror
Pretty obvious choice here. I mean, she’s the hot one. Even though one of her legs is a gun, I’d try and limit the sexual positions to ones that don’t have that thing pointing in my face. Also, sex with an amputee is , at the very least, an interesting story. But a hot amputee? Even better.

Marry:That depressed chick from The Breakfast Club that volunteers for detention (Ally Sheedy)
This is a tough one cause , on one hand, I grew up watching this movie. While other boys were into Molly Ringwald (I often wonder, were they really, though?) I actually always thought Ally Sheedy was kinda cute in this movie. In a “Oh, that squatter is pretty” kinda way. But that kinda face that she has was always one I found myself drawn to, even to this day. Like a sultry eskimo. On the other hand, I’m not a kid anymore and she’s a teenager in this movie. So, there’s that. But, fuck it, considering I know for a fact the real Ally Sheedy is much older than me, i don’t feel that bad about it.
But, remove all the semantics , and she was weird cute girl and that’s always been marriage material on some level. Granted, her dandruff was gross (she ate it too) but I figure girls will grow out of that and eventually become clean. I dated a punk girl when I was that age. Being filthy is a phase. So, I’d roll the dice and wife up Sheedy.

FMK 1. Vans 2. Converse 3. Adidas

Marry: Adidas
To be honest, I don’t generally wear any of these brands. I’ve always been a Nike guy. That said, I have owned some decent pairs of adidas over the years. While they often , seem like they’re trying too hard to appeal to nordic break dancers, they do come up with some nice shit and there’s no denying they have some classic shoes. I could live the rest of my life in only Adidas if I had to…but I’d be jerking off to Nike the entire time.

Fuck:Converse
I guess I only picked them to fuck cause of their history. They had some classic kicks in the 70’s and I’ve definitely rocked them a few times. Some really dope High-top sneakers that , if someone gave to me now, I’d be pretty psyched on. Their new shit is abysmal though. Also, I loath chucks. I’m not a greaser in the 50’s, nor am I the kid from Rushmore. I realize they are a staple of all humanity but , to me, they only look right when worn by girls. Even then, I don’t love them.

Kill: Vans
I don’t skate. Never did. I also don’t lived near a beach or on a boat. Admittedly, I’m 100% biased against these shoes cause, for the majority of my life, they were simply not conducive to living in a city where you walk a lot. They were blister machines and, god forbid, you step on a piece of glass or something.
Also, they all look like boat shoes to me. They lacked gumption. Too frail looking. Girls wore them. Wack dudes loved them. That was my view of Vans when I was younger. As I’ve gotten older I’ve learned to embrace simplicity in footwear. In fact, I see why people love Vans. Ten years ago, I woulda laughed in the face of anyone trying to make a case for vans. So, while i “get it” now, the damage has been done to my psyche. I simply cannot be a part of that world(I opt for the nike brand Van rip offs). I feel the same way about pea coats. I recognize, as an adult, that they are fine but I’m simply not the guy that will ever wear one.

Marry: Courtney Cox
I’m kinda shocked I haven’t done this one already. Maybe I did and forgot. Who knows?
Anyway, She was always my type of the three. A hot blue eyed brunette. I’m ignoring any character traits from the show cause I only saw it a few times. In fact, I’m basing this as much on the show as I am the feelings I got in my stomach when I was a kid watching her dance with Bruce Springsteen in the “Dancing in the dark” video.
(Go to 3:23 and fall in love the same way I did)
I was like “Who’s that girl? One day I will play a stupid game where I pretend I have the power to fuck, marry or kill three women who are super famous and wouldn’t piss on me if I was on fire…and I will take her hand in hypothetical marriage”. And it was so…

Fuck: Jennifer Aniston
I bet a lot of you wanted me to kill her. Well, you guys are jerks and I’m shallow. Let’s be real…She’s the most famous , normal looking person ever. She’s got a crazy body but that kinda of grill is one you can find seating people at Chile’s Restaurants across the country. But you know what? She’s still cute. I mean, we can sit here and talk about who’s hotter and some assholes can lean back in their chairs dismissing Aniston , as if they haven’t only had sex with girls ten notches below her their entire life. In the game of Fuck/marry/kill she’s kind of the perfect “fuck”. Cause, she looks like a girl most of us might actually have sex with one day. Except with a banging body. I doubt any man is turning that down. But, clearly, no one is marrying her either. Literally.

Kill: Lisa Kudrow
I feel bad for Lisa Kudrow. She’s probably been killed in versions of this game played all over the world for years. Thing is, she’s not bad looking. She’s also got some big boobs that she tends to keep hidden. In reality, most guys would gladly make love to Lisa Kudrow. However, she seems to lack an magnetism. She looks like a girl who doesn’t even like sex and , sometimes, that can be a real turnoff. But, more than anything, she’s always gonna be the one who gets left out when matched up with these other two. She’s what Kelly Roland was when Destiny’s child was still together (f/m/k-wise, not musically). I will say this though, I bet she’s by far the coolest of the three. But, like I said, I’m shallow and this is “fuck/marry/kill”. Sorry.

F/M/K Carbs!: Rice, Noodles, Bread

Kill: Rice
Goddamnit. I don’t wanna kill rice. I love rice. But, when I think of the big picture, I need it the least. I would miss sushi (I guess sashimi would be the move from here on out) and , really, anything rice related. It’s just the other two are so crucial to my eating happiness , they leave me no choice. So, while i would kill rice, I’d be crying while I did it and I’d never forget the time we shared.

Fuck: Noodles
I’m assuming this includes pasta as well…cause that’s a big one. But, really, it’s winter in NYC and I’ve been obsessed with Ramen lately. A few good spots finally opened up in my neighborhood and it’s gotten to the point where I need it like once a week at least. Couldn’t have ramen without noodles! But, also, italian food. It’s the best and , if it wasn’t so fattening, I’d eat pasta every day. I think that’s why I would just fuck Noodles. To only have it for the rest of my life would be glorious but I’d also become so fat , I’d be one of those obese dudes on the TLC network who needs to be airlifted out his crib and requires a mop with an extra long handle to wipe his ass. No bueno.

Marry: Bread
Bread is the best cause , on its own, it’s still good. Plain rice or noodles with nothing on them are flavorless but some fresh out the over bread? FUCK YES. Add some butter and I might start masturbating right here. And that’s just bread in it’s most basic form! Bread makes sandwiches! What’s better than a sandwich!?!?! NOTHING, BRO.
And the varieties…You could have some Naan or foccacia, some bum ass wheat bread if you’re that kinda person. Shit, you couldn’t make a french onion soup without some cheese covered bread on top. I’m getting worked up here. I’m gonna go to a bakery and stick my dick in a wood burning oven.

I’d recommend “It’s All Gone Pete Tong” to anyone! It’s a 2004 film directed by the guy who did FUBAR and stars Paul Kaye (who apparently plays “Thoros of Myr” in Game of Thrones, never watched it). The story’s about a nonsensical DJ who goes completely deaf and a redemption story ensues, naturally. You’ll either LOVE it or HATE it! ( except everyone I’ve ever said that to, has reported back to me after watching it with a “meh, i sorta liked it i guess, no strong feelings tho” hahaha)

innies, outties, hybrids – just kidding….never do that one, not even in your mind’s eye. I think those first three things I wrote is literally the most objectifying combo of words I’ve ever written, yeesh.