Not being able to do a formal Best and Worst of Smackdown made me forget how valuable to a show Christian can be, and even if he dropped an “each and every one of you” into his commentary I was happy to see him back on the show and speaking. Christian’s one of those guys who should be around even if he isn’t wrestling, being a mouthpiece for somebody or teaching people how to move and think in the ring. He should also keep getting new injuries until he’s the rich man’s Colin Delaney and demand “one more match” against Randy Orton until they’re 80 or one of them dies.

One of the thing I was looking forward to Besting was the time-honored Slammy and Hall Of Fame tradition of putting the Divas in evening gowns and having them walk people out to the podium. With the Kaitlyn heel turn seemingly edited out of last week’s Smackdown I thought we were going to have her and/or A.J. make an appearance and looking gorgeous, but nope, it was just Alicia Fox and Eve Torres all night long. It might’ve been a rib on me. Am I popular enough to have people ribbing me?

Worst: John Cena: Game Changer

I liked Cena teasing the crowd with a Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson appearance only for him to not be there, but (and I’m in the minority here, as I got multiple requests to give this segment “all the bests”) I felt like Cena was too Cena about it and added too much of his “BRIAN’S NOT BACKSTAGE I DON’T BELIEVE YOU, I DON’T, WHAT” improv bullshit to make it pointed.

If I was writing John Cena (and I should be), I would’ve had him say “I didn’t do this alone, here’s the most electrifying man in all entertainment, the people’s champion DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON” and motion to the ramp to get everybody excited, then say “okay, well here’s a video via satellite from DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON” like he did, then cut out everything else and have him say, bluntly, “The Rock doesn’t care about you, he’s a Hollywood asshole who showed up to take your money, maybe one day you’ll all figure that out” and turn and just f**king leave.

If WWE wants Pipe Bombs so badly, they need to not be afraid to drop a real one. If the characters spoke frankly about what was happening it would go a long way sometimes. Those adults in Rocky shirts holding their dick hand up and going lalalalala into it at Wrestlemania need to be talked to, not at. That’s not a request for insider jokes and terms, that’s not a request for more New Japan Pro Wrestling namedropping on Raw, that’s a very honest, direct request for WWE to stop thinking everyone who likes them is stupid and be brave enough to step down and move their product forward. Kane, The Road Dogg, The Rock, Stone Cold Steve Austin references every couple of weeks, Bret Hart … what’re you gonna do when these people are really gone? That idea in itself is enough of a big bang to create a dozen different character motivations for a dozen different guys you haven’t thought to give one.

I don’t want to be heavy about one of the least offensive segments on the show, but seriously. Enough of this. Wrestlemania needs a story deeper than “we won’t stop bitching at each other”.

Also: Don’t Be Stupid, It’s Still Undertaker

The girl is going to be Michelle McCool as Lady Undertaker. Maybe they’ll give her a skull bikini and a big sword.

Yeah, I don’t know. Even if these videos turn out to be for Chris Jericho and he shows up on Raw wearing an IT BEGINS shirt yelling THOSE WERE MY VIDEOS I’m still going to say they’re for the Undertaker.

Some website did a “World’s 20 Unsexiest Men” list, and The Hiach was up there (probably because of the nose), and they pretty much pointed out the exact same thing: “Hey remember when CM Punk made wrestling cool and mainstream in July, and then HHH came back and it SUCKED? Figure it out”

I liked that when he was announcing the names, he did them kind of big and showy for every single nominee, including The Miz and Mark Henry. But when he said Alberto Del Rio, he kind of mumbled through it. That showed exactly the kind of “I don’t like this guy, I don’t want him to win” attitude that should’ve been a part of his character when announcing Punk.

Totally disappointed in you, Brandon – no mention of the fact that Vickie Guerrero was rocking the “Ursa from Superman 2″ costume last night? That seemed like just obscure enough of a reference for it to be right in your wheelhouse.

Also noticed last night – the stars on the back of CM Punk’s tights are six-pointed stars. Is Punk Jewish? Is straight-edge like keeping kosher? GIVE ME THE ANSWERS, DAMMIT!!

PS – The “It begins” videos? Totally gonna be the return of the New Age Outlaws.

HHH’s “mind manatee” made me laugh for like a minute straight, so kudos.

I’m not even going to ask about that Jinder Mahal reference.

I think I’m on point with you regarding everything this week.

Point of interest I feel the need to share: I was browsing Reddit’s “Squared Circle” and some guy was pissed that Road Dogg didn’t get a huge pop. And blamed it on “Buttfuck, Vigrinia”. This humored me on so many levels.

Thanks for making an enjoyable product (B&WoR) out of WWE making poopies last night, B-Stro.

Another stellar recap. Thanks for making me feel like I’m not alone in my displeasure. That was such a painful RAW, even Lawler was phoning it in. My particular favorite was a monotone… “wow.” I spent most of the show watching the crowd sleep until they could all wave their hands along with Cena. They lost the crowd 3 minutes into it, even the return of Kane didn’t seem to wake them up. Twice as painful as a real award show with no designer threads or Ricky Gervais to make everyone feel uncomfortable. And this was supposed to convince us to drop the cash for the PPV?

@JBShakes Punk’s ring attire is the motif of the municipal flag of Chicago. Because we are that damn awesome. ;)

Right, so just to clarify:
Kane is Paul Bearer’s son, and The Undertaker’s brother, or occassionally half-brother. He likes Paul Bearer, but sometimes he hates him. He was either locked in an attic as a child and not allowed to see people, or he wasn’t locked in an attic and he killed and raped that girl. His face was burned but then it wasn’t and now it might be again. He’s a vicious, murderous, unfeeling monster, except when he’s friends with X-Pac, doing Spin-A-Roonies, or in one of countless tag teams. His murderous rage cannot be controlled, except for a week between television tapings. He hasn’t got any hair, but now he does. He can’t speak, except when he can. He hates The Undertaker, except for those times when he likes The Undertaker.

Oh, and sometimes he’s magic.

Also, does anyone else love the image of Kane towering over some blubbing production guy, threatening bad things will happen to him if he doesn’t make it look like he can fire lightning bolts at just the right time?

so…was cena injured in some major way? cuz last week he gave mark henry an AA with no problem but this week he buckles under his weight twice? also no mention of snooki winning a slammy accompanied by insert jokes here? maybe that one was too obvious of a choice but what about HHH saying he ended taker’s streak?

That fatal four way match was really good and I was really damn happy that Ziggler won. Hell it made me want to bleach my hair and yell about how great I am at everything instead of gelling my hair and um, doing the same thing actually.

God am I great. You people can’t yell its clobberin time and get half the reaction I do.

I was actually thinking the same thing on the Cena segment. Cena should have todl the fans that Rock’s never there while Cena’s there every week busting his ass. Now THAT would of made a great segment. I don’t know if Creative would of done it though because they want to keep Cena super safe in the position he’s in now.

In a really weird twist, fake Rosie O’ Donnell was actually one of the people who trained me to be a wrestler. I don’t make good life decisions.

I also have a spot in my heart just for lita. I know she got peed on by a rogue’s gallery of b-list wrestlers, but trashy girls in rockabilly outfits are just my secret superhero weakness. I’m sure her bathing suit area smells like a wrestling locker room, and looks like someone spit on an open face sandwich, but i simply do not care. Related: i hate myself.

That was great, I’m amazed you were able to find more than two bests for the entire 3 hour debacle. I still say that isn’t Kane in the mask. I’m the one that everyone’s calling stupid, ‘tarded, etc…but I just won’t believe it until I see him unmasked.

Oh yeah. Did anyone else notice when Lawler made fun of Ricardo Rodriguez when he went “blublabla” as RR was speaking? Granted I don’t speak Spanish and it DID sound like he flubbed his line a little but, I can’t tell the difference and I KNOW King can’t.

Real Worst: Having Cody Rhodes in the “Trending” Category when he doesn’t have a Twitter account.

Real Worst: No Brodus Clay or any mention of Brodus Clay (that’s gonna make Brodus so angry!)

Real Best: Johnny Ace’s Lifetime Achievement Award Montage

Most Meta Moment: During the Fatal Four Way, Cole says something about (paraphrasing) “trying to get to their feet to take the upper hand” and Lawler just screams “More importantly, who’s Trending?!”

Brandon, I hope your fill-ins for the next week know to include lots of pretentious references to Indy Wrestling (I didn’t realize Wrestling was so big in Indianapolis), CHIKARA or Japanesse Monday Night Raw (which probably airs on the Japanesse equivalant of the USA Network, so whatever they would call that).

@Brandon – dude, i LOVE these reports. I have been reading them for months now, and you are consistently one of the best wrestling writers ever. Adrian Blaze and i are forever gchatting and dying over choice quotes from these articles. You rule.

ok i have 2 points about this show. i agree with about most of what you said. but 1. Tony Atlas laughing made me laugh becasue i hate Otunga. and 2. did anyone notice that Kane was bald like 6 months ago? and all of a sudden he has long locks of burny firey hair! im guessing we wont get an explanation on that one.

@Brandon: Serious question: How much longer do you think WWE fans will be forced to have Heel Cole shoved down our throats? Is this what wrestling will be for the next 10 years? Will WWE even make it that long?

I recall AJ mentioning she’d been proposed to twice during the troops event, which reaffirms my belief that the troops can get away with anything awkward or impolite even when they’re just hanging out at home base waiting to be deployed anywhere.

Also, I think the WWE has found a perfect spot for Otunga. He’s terrible, but not in a X-Pac heat kind of way. Instead of letting him suck shit in “serious” matches, they gave him a doofy bowtie and had Randy Orton throw a Christmas present box at his head. He can be the opening match comedy heel, but not so hilarious the kiddies catch on and make him an obnoxious babyface.

If Otunga is ever at a Ziggler-level wrestling ability, sure, get him closer to a title, but for now I’m okay with people destroying him at random.

I’m completely convinced that the “Undertaker” promos are really for Brodus Clay. They spent so much time building him up, and have since forgot about him, they must re-build. On the second day of Jaunuary, Brodus Clay. Great write up!

I almost fell asleep during the first hour because… there wasn’t anything happening. And The Scope decided that we didn’t need fresh air pumping, so it was really stagnant in there. The pyro smoke from when Air Boom entered and wrestled Someone and Someone else from WWE SuperStars was still hovering in the building. I had great seats, but of course, since I sat behind the hard camera, I got ZERO TV time.

And apparently, they wanted to give us a preview of TLC because no sooner than Cena walks out of the ring after the show went off the air, there was a TLC Triple Threat Match for the WWE championship with Punk, Del Rio, and Miz. They wrestled for about 20 minutes. Pretty damn cool. Punk got his revenge from earlier, and I went home with a sweaty Punk T-Shirt.

I got to speak with Lita and DiBiase Sr personally afterwards, so I was stoked about that.

Otherwise… yeah. No.

The show dragged on, the commercial spots were horrible, and I just felt… weird about it all.

This Raw was so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so terrible. I need something quick to make me keep watching this bullshit. At this point I am solely doing it for context for the B&W, but I’m not sure how much longer I can justify it, and that is not an insult to you, just a staggering insult to Raw. But I LOLed a few times during this article and negative times during Raw.

@Brandon: I’m still wondering what you think about Michael Cole and whether or not he is accomplishing exactly what he wants to be within the context of your one-time statement that X-Pac heat is the only true heat anymore.

By the way The Dandy, that Hornswoggle segment was racist as fuck. I can see your frustration with a lot of the objections Brandon has to certain segments he sees as discriminatory (all of which I can see both sides to), but this week’s was absolutely racist. Wrong week to bring it up, man.

I actually tuned in during the rap off so luckily I didn’t actually see that segment so my apologies regarding that one but in no way,shape, or form was King meaning to be racist just because he said a common phrase involving “watermelon” during a match with a black person involved. That is just absurd

You mentioned Reks and Hawkins’ “MidCard Mafia” video during the 4-way match. Only two episodes in but I like it and remain hopeful that no one gets fired for it. I’m intrigued when one of these guys wants to try something a little different.

Honestly, if not for that fatal 4-way match and this wrestling blog, I would consider not watching Raw anymore after this episode. It just reminded me how bad most of 2011 was and that WWE Creative really has no idea what their job is anymore. That being said, CM Punk/Money in the Bank brought me back to watching wrestling, but this blog has kept me watching it, despite HHH’s best efforts. Watching a weekly televised program just so that I’m caught up for the commentary the next day seems counter-intuitive, but that’s the position I find myself in.

Side note @Brandon: Don’t take this as undue criticism, but if you ever decide you want proof-reading/editor services, I’d love to be a part of this weekly process. I’d do it for free, and it would be an honor to help out on the site.

@TheDandy24 – A white midget in an afro wig doing jive handshakes and speaking Ebonics is not a subversive kind of racism, it’s right out there in the open. I’m not playing a race card or anything, they are blatantly making fun of black people. As for the watermelon comment, Cole is the one who said he was trying to squash Cena’s head like a watermelon, and 1) “crush it like a watermelon” is not a commonly used phrase unless you are Gallagher, 2) why watermelon and 3) Lawler doing a “heh, did you just say WATERMELON?” was what pushed it over the edge. Nobody has ever described Big Show crushing something like a watermelon.

I actually got out of the house last night, so I only caught the last five minutes where Kane came out. It sounds like I didn’t miss a damn thing. Unfortunately, I’ll make up for that by subjecting myself to Tribute to the Troops tonight.
@captainfantastic, I was really bothered that all of a sudden Kane has shoulder length tresses. Really? Dammit, I would’ve accepted overgrown buzz cut, but I did not appreciate the hair-mask. It seems like its just a modified version of one of those Zack Ryder hairband things.
@TheDandy24–I know what you’re getting at. It seems like you’re wondering why Brandon isn’t taking more of a passive viewing approach to this. Well, I can’t answer that for him, but I can give you my own explanation. I’ve sporadically watched wrestling since I was a small child in the early 80s. First with my dad because it was awesome then I stopped because Barbies became cooler (yeah, I’m a chick), then in the early 2000s because nothing else was on Friday nights and now because my own kid likes it. If I didn’t look at it through a different lens and deconstruct what the commentary was saying, I’d go fucking insane. Sure, I enjoy WWE on a superficial level at times, but taking it a step further allows me to appreciate it on a different level. That kind of viewing isn’t for everyone, but for me, its one thing that makes these write-ups so damn enjoyable. Idk, that’s just my perspective.

Just finished watching today, but I booed my TV when Trips attempted to bury Undertaker by claiming victory at Wrestlemania. You lost, asshole, and the award was for Undertaker kicking out of the Tombstone. As that article said, probably isn’t a coincidence that the show went downhill when you came back.

For as awful as the show started, I thought it turned out alright. A great 4 way match, Miz cutting a nice promo for TLC with no superhero crap, great Johnny Ace reel, AND John Laurinaitis shoving Mysterio in the head was good stuff. Plus Kane is awesome so I was glad he came back because he was my favorite as a kid. I mean, lots of crap this week (Hornswoggle) and some plotholes but its pretty much par for the course.

As sure as I am that the ‘It Begins’ videos are for the Undertaker, the fact that this is neither surprising or original has led me to make alternative wishes/suggestions for who is behind the January 2nd return:

1. Brodus Clay, because it’s obvious he won’t be on television before then. And the girl is just the child he may or may not eat after his debut takes place.

2. Drew McIntyre, wishful thinking on my part because I think he’s awesome, showing up with some accented valet. Winter isn’t doing anything right now, is she?

3. Sting, because why the fuck not? He’s already ripped off Taker’s promo video before, and who wants the twilight of their career to be the ‘General Menace’ (sigh) of iMPACT…and let the girl be Dixie Carter, stating that she’s selling TNA to Vince.

4. Brock Lesnar. He loses the December 30 fight to Ovareem, comes back to WWE and challenges Taker at Wrestlemania. I’m a huge mark for both Taker and Lesnar, and this would be my favorite thing ever. Also he could show up and destroy The Rock after Cena beats him.

As someone who actually did tweet that Cena should get “all the bests” I should admit that I did that early in the segment and by the time he got to the end I no longer wanted him to have any. The reason for this is simple: he never said “THE ROCK IS NEVER HERE BUT I AM GIVE ME A FRICKIN BREAK.” I wanted so much for last night to be the night, but it was not to be.

Instead, the only best should go to the four way. The rest of this show did nothing for me.

Dude… I love these reports and this is one of the funniest that I think you have ever done, but really, why even bother questioning WWE logic still. I know it leads to some choice jokes but it’ll just make you angry and it will never ever make sense. It is obvious that wherever they go to perform exists in some tiny facet of the universe that follows them around where mathematics and logic simply don’t apply. I really think that they have an idea about what they are doing and that it makes perfect sense in this mobile tiny world, it just doesn’t apply to the rest of us. The Universe is real man!

Holy shit was that some garbage. I got back into watching Raw every week by explaining what was happening to my girlfriend, who took to this crap for some reason. As soon as the words “rap battle” came out of Booker’s mouth, she said “Why do they do stuff like this? I wish we could fast-forward.” And just when I thought that was the most appropriate thing that anyone could have possibly said about the shit I was watching, Michael Cole – the Michael Cole whose job it is to make you understand what you’re watching and make you want to watch what happens next (but really whose job it is to be Vince’s mouthpiece for shi no one should say) – screams into his microphone on live TV, “THIS IS THE WORST SEGMENT IN THE HISTORY OF TELEVISION!” He said that, I swear to God he said that. So, I guess my point is that we’re wasting our time. Rather than doing their jobs and coming up with something interesting and logical, they’ve decided to do our job and point out the obvious, that fucking sucked.

And all of that was better than seeing Triple H again. That’s where we are now.

Oh and Brandon, the thing you say about people who go to WWE shows wanting to see wrestlers and not wrestling was on full display during that awesome 4-way. When Bryan starts losing his mind and kicking the shit out of Cody or Dolph or whoever, all I could think was that the crowd was barely making a peep for it. I think WWE should run only cities like New York, Chicago, Philly, and Montreal until the rest of these people figure out what it is they’re supposed to be doing.

I was looking forward to the “Match of the Year” award (whoa!..a SECOND thing for the FANS to vote on). The winner, had it happened, should have been John Cena / CM Punk for the WWE title at the Money in the Bank PPV. No contest.

And come on…how was that match also NOT the “Game Changer of the Year?” It began the wicked game of “hot potato” with the WWE title, solidified CM Punk as a major player in the WWE, started Cena’s slide out of the championship picture, and allowed Alberto Del Rio to provide the vehicle with which CM Punk would get the WWE title back and proveing “destiny” is a farce.

Now John Laurinaitis needs a sidekick like Victor Maitland had in Beverly Hills Cop, that dude who got hiptossed into the buffet at the Harrow Club and gets shot at the beginning of 48 Hrs and is also the wetwork guy for the nerdy drug overlord in Breaking Bad.

The 4 way match- Dolph and Ziggler should win all the belts and bicker/one-up each other through the entire thing. I loved, a while back, when Miz had both tag titles (when there were 2) and the US championship. Have someone evil(or at the least, a faction, like the Union that never took off) be utterly dominant, and you’ve got drama. Look at how good Henry has been.

Cena lambasting the Rock. Just, as everyone else says, turn down the hokey and all of the sudden Cena is a really menacing Paladin-gone-astray

It speaks volumes about how bad this show was and how much i’ve been enjoying the John Laurinaitis character that he (along with the twice interrupted 4-Way match) was the best thing about this show. The Johnny Ace video package was fantastic and made me want to dig out Transformers: The Movie on VHS and remember how much I loved Transformers as a kid, not knowing that twenty years later Michael Bay would repeatedly drive a stake through my heart with three of the worst movies ever made.

Maybe Hornswoggle could team up with Skids and Mudflap and push the racist envelope even more?

I just came for the jokes and the eternal amusement of the “THASS RAYCESS!” hipster poutrage, and actually wound up learning something. Thanks!

I’m also glad to see I’m not the only person who caught Ayches claiming that the streak “ended” at WM27. You LOST, “Cerebral Son-In-Law”. And you’ll lose again in Miami. The only thing the old man loves more than your wife and his grandkids is the metric ton of cash Mark Calloway has made him over the years.

I can’t wait for RAW to come back to Toronto. We’re going to show you Americans how you REALLY do pops for the better wrestlers.

Also, what the hell happened to Toronto hosting Wrestlemania? Rumor was we got it next year but then Miami/Rock show up and buttf*ck us out of it. And then we hear it’s the following year but apparently Georgia, of all places, is getting it next? The hell man! I want my Wrestlemania experience!

@BrandonStroud I’m still a little surprised you didn’t like the Cena segment. But I see where you’re coming from. Also found something cool on Dorkly. It’s a 90’s pro wrestler alignment chart. [www.dorkly.com]

@JBShakes I took HHH’s “streak-ending” comment to mean that since Taker wasn’t able to leave the ring on his own (as HHH did), that HHH essentially ended Takers career, and therefore, “The Streak” as well.

@JBShakes – It is pretty depressing that pointing out how a white midget wearing an afro wig and doing jive handshakes and saying “sheeeee” to laughs is “hipster poutrage” and not just pointing out obvious horrible racism. The fuck does hipster poutrage even mean? Am I trying to be cool by not hating black people? You’ve been on the Internet too long.

@B – My intention was actually just to gently bust your balls a bit, which I apparently did a pretty crap job of doing. My bad. I really didn’t intend to offend you, nor am I suggesting that it’s OK to hate black people. I also think it’s a little ridiculous to suggest that whoever came up with the idea to send ‘Swoggle out there did it because they DO hate black people.

I hope you know from the comments I’ve left here that I love this column, but I do think that it’s worth making a distinction between “racially insensitive” and “racist” – they’re two VERY different things. There’s no question that the afro wig/jive handshake thing is a crude stereotype, but I’d argue that wrestling is nothing BUT crude stereotypes, so I guess I’d want to know why the ones directed at African Americans are the only ones we’re all supposed to be furious about? Shouldn’t I, as someone with a fair amount of Irish heritage, be a little pissed about the fact that the same midget was sent down to the ring for years as a friggin’ LEPRECHAUN?

Back in the day when promoters wouldn’t DARE put a major championship on a black wrestler because they were absolutely positive that their overwhelmingly white audiences would never cheer for a black champion, THAT was racism. What happened on Monday night seems to me to be a transgression of a much smaller degree. Booker T’s a grownup, and given his own history (the original gimmick for him and Stevie Ray was coming down to the ring…IN CHAINS, for God’s sake), I think he’s more than qualified to make decisions about what he does and doesn’t participate in. Not every stupid stereotype that makes the air in the WWE is a loving homage to the days of the minstrel show, especially given the fact that the overwhelming majority of the audience doesn’t have a clue what a minstrel show was.

I didn’t watch the show, and I didn’t read all the comments above… but my speculation is that the return of ‘classic Kane’ will lead to a final Kane vs. Undertaker match next Wrestlemania. Who better to be the Undertaker’s 20th WM victim than Kane? Hell, maybe they’ll both retire afterward.

@Brandon – Hey, remember the time that I tried to argue that calling the WWE writers “racist” was a bridge too far right before they aired a segment on PPV where Teddy Long handed Hornswoggle a copy of “Rosetta Stone Ebonics”?

Yeah, never mind. They’re pretty much racists. I apologize for everything.

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