6 Things The Bachelorette Taught Us About The Human Condition

By Daniel Colasimone - 23 Oct 2015

Is it really over? It seems like only yesterday that a bright-eyed and bushy tailed Sam Frost (how young did she look back then?) walked back into our reality television lives.

She stood there, brave as a bantam rooster, putting everything on the line as she welcomed 14 geezers in suits to her rented mansion. Sam wasn’t just risking a broken heart, she was risking her reputation as well; her reputation as someone who gets her heart broken on reality television.

Some of the faces from that day remain clear in our memories, while others have faded away. There was Richie, Alex and Sasha. Michael too. And look, there’s Osher! Remember Davey? How he made us laugh, the little turd. There was the big dopey guy who tried to do headstands and spit rhymes like a chump. The freak with the owl, the model that everyone wanted to punch. How many’s that?

Anyway, fast forward to the present day and all our questions have been answered. Sam DID find love! And this time it’s REAL! Spoiler alert: If you haven’t watched the finale yet and don’t want to know who she found love, IT WAS SASHA.

I’m really happy that Sam found her soulmate but it would have been nice if they’d told us who won the show. There was no final rose handed out as far as I could see, nor a marriage proposal, which is traditionally what the winner gets. I can only assume it was technically a tie between Michael and Sasha? Legally I don’t think she can marry both of them, in Australia at least, and it seems like it will be quite an awkward situation if all three of them are now living together.

I just think Channel 10 has left a few loose ends, which could signal a Big Brother-style season 2 called ‘Sam, Sash and Mikey’. Or something.

There’s no denying that every character on the show went through a JOURNEY, but as viewers we also learnt a great deal about ourselves, the nature of man, the nature of woman … and love.

Here are some of the things The Bachelorette Australia taught us about the human condition.

#1 You Can Be A Man With A Girl’s Name And Still Succeed At Life

Sasha is a girl’s name. Just like in the Johnny Cash song ‘A Boy Named Sue’, this must have been hard for our hero, who is male, to deal with growing up. It did, however, make him hard as flint. He forged his body into a steel fortress. He got a job as a builder, the manliest of professions. He shut down his mind to a state of near hibernation so that he can barely string a sentence together. And in the end it was these traits that made him irresistible to lovelorn Sam (conversations between the two of them must represent some of the most banal dialogues ever broadcast to the public). Well done Sasha’s parents.

#2 It Pays To Lie On Your CV

Michael slithered his way right to the end of the competition by basically lying about his sporting exploits. Sam kept banging on about how humble he was, as she assumed he was telling the truth about being a fricken superstar soccer player. He played 6 A-League games in his entire 14-year career!! If only Osher had let Sam check Wikipedia on his phone when they were snuggling up at night in the mansion.

#3 Middle Earth Is The Most Romantic Place

It is easy to see why Frodo fell so hard for Samwise Gamgee. Our Sam, Frosty, took a leaf from the hobbit’s book by bringing her two favourite men to the most romantic place in the world, Middle Earth. Images of spouting geysers set the scene for the many powerful ejaculations to come. ‘These are feelings I’ve never felt before and I can’t even describe it,’ said Sam. ‘I feel so lucky just to be here with you,’ said Sash. Powerful ejaculations. There were rolling green hills, raindrops on hot springs and white water rafting. Osher even got into the spirit by dressing for a bogan wedding. Once Michael and Sasha had completed the formalities (tested for STDs, penises measured) Sam made them walk through giant phallic totem poles to meet her on a mountain. It was New Zealand in microcosm: stunningly beautiful, romantic and almost offensively erotic.

#4 Channel 10 Is Very Powerful

Everyone during the finale kept talking about how this decision would affect the rest of Sam’s life. Why? Is she not allowed to break up with Sasha in two months if it doesn’t work out? Couldn’t she, theoretically, date someone else in the future? Will Channel 10 have them both ‘terminated with extreme prejudice’ if they split? This is too much power for a TV station to have, in my opinion.

#5 Just Because You’ve Found The One Doesn’t Mean You Can’t ‘Party’

Sam gushed to Sasha that she had known for a long time, almost since the start of the comp, that he was her one true love. Which didn’t stop her mackin’ on with Michael. And Alex. And Richie. Hey, all power to you girl. If Sasha liked it then he shoulda put a ring on it. Etc.

#6 There Are Special Lady Garden Clippers

Apparently there’s a thing called a Hydrosilk Trim Style and it’s especially designed for girls to shape their ‘map of Tasmania’. There was an ad for it during the finale. In the next break there was an ad for baby formula, so maybe girls are meant to believe that one thing will surely lead to the other. What a time to be alive.

Image credit: Ninemsn

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By Daniel Colasimone

You think darkness is your ally? Dan was born in it, moulded by it. He didn’t see the light until he was already a man. Raised on the mean streets of Bundaberg, he has ended up in Brisbane by way of Italy, South Korea, Argentina and a few other places. When not covering sportsy stuff for the ABC, he writes a fortnightly column for The Urban List on the world of man stuff. Twitter: @DanColasimone