for awhile i tried, for awhile i won

it’s after two in the morning and i’ve been laying in bed naked in the dark. the only light is the dim of the television and the glow of my computer. i didn’t wash my hair today and i’m wearing my glasses. i can’t remember the last time i cut my hair, my bangs are in my eyes and i used up the last of my gold nail polish. i feel fucking foolish. this weekend was great in so many ways and yet i ache. i ache in ways i forgot i even felt but that’s the point, you know?

i held off dating someone for six months because my heart was elsewhere. i wanted (want) someone i knew (know) i couldn’t ever have. i kiss other boys and i feel absolutely nothing. i’m waiting for something i’ll never have. i ignore the feelings because i know they’re wrong. i’m a big girl and this stupid banter should be left for a young girl’s diary- hidden under her mattress so her mother won’t find it.

i’m stuck.

it’s 2:23 in the morning on a sunday and i’m watching titanic in the dark with my cat. everything feels so miscalculated and i don’t give myself the time to do anything i need to do. my brother’s getting married in five days and i haven’t even written the speech for the ceremony. i can’t write a fucking speech because any time i sit down and write from the heart, the words are so broken. i don’t know how to write anything beautiful anymore.

i remember when i was fifteen… i used to sit in my bed, in my red bedroom, and i pictured my life so differently. i wanted my living room walls to be lined with bookshelves and i wanted to read. i wanted to sit in my underwear drinking coffee and smoking weed. i wanted vintage furniture and an impressive record collection. i thought i’d work an off-beat job at a small boutique and i’d get by on hope and love. i was so fucking naive. i was without work for a month, survived on cans of tuna for weeks, and lived with an angry man. i had to get creative with posters to hide the holes in the wall, and the lies i’d feed my friends and family. we didn’t have money for any furniture, and we stole cable from the neighbours. i stopped smoking weed because my boyfriend was a drug addict and i didn’t have the money, anyway. i got a corporate job for an international company and i got by on the notion that it’d get bad enough for me to find the courage to leave him someday.

Somehow I know that the speech that you will write for the Cory and Jo’s wedding is going to be the most amazing speech that anyone will ever hear at a wedding.
You always have a way of writting the most beautiful things.
And I have the most beautifully written birthday card I have ever received, given to me by a special little someone to prove it.