Carter-Ruck To Sue Everyone

LAW firm Carter-Ruck is to send you a letter telling you to shut it right now or they will have your house.

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Ivory Coast is renowned for its beautiful beaches and eye-watering stench

The libel lawyers acted after thousands of bloggers and Twitter users ignored a legal bid to suppress information about their client Trafigura and its decision to hose down some Africans with a big boat full of shit.

The injunction, brought against the Guardian, was withdrawn last night after Trafigura and Carter-Ruck decided it would be more fun to try and intimidate everyone with a computer.

The injunctions will be posted later this week, although the firm have also threatened to sue every postman in Britain if strike action affects their delivery.

DHL will be used to deliver injunctions to the postmen, but if anyone from DHL looks at the addresses then it will be sued and its injunctions will be delivered by UPS who will also be sued and have its injunctions delivered by Federal Express.

Senior partner Denys Finch-Hatton, said: "I have taken advice from myself and will see absolutely everybody in court later this month. As a precaution, I have also taken out an injunction preventing you from telling anyone that I told you that I would see everybody in court and an injunction preventing you from telling anyone that I told you about the previous injunction. And so on."

He added: "As for Trafigura, our clients have stated consistently that they only ever intended to poison the west African coastline with 400 billion gallons of shit in a perfectly legal way."

Meanwhile Twitter's ability to reshape the democratic agenda was further underlined today with 'trending topics' including chocolate milk and paranormal activity, as well as a campaign demanding Lily Allen makes another album full of nursery-rhyme cock.