Growing Out My Pixie Is So Agonizing I'll Never Get Short Hair Again

I've had super-short hair for about four years now. Recently, I decided to try and grow it all out. When you have a pixie cut and you decide you don't want to have it anymore, you have two options. You can either shave your head and start chasing people with umbrellas and snarling a la Britney Spears, or you can go through the endless, awkward, and frustrating process of growing your hair out.

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I mean, I guess there is a third option -- wearing wigs around while I wait for my hair to catch up. I do have a couple of wigs. That said, one of them I bought to complete my Rapunzel costume of a few years back, and the other I hot-glued snakes to in a bid to make my Medusa costume for Halloween this year look more on point. Donning either of these options would so not help me in my continuing mission not to look batshit insane as I walk the city streets.

I did some deep Internet diving about the best way to keep myself from looking full on insane as I grow my hair out, and yeah, I found some ideas that made sense. Even if you're growing your hair out, you should still be seeing a stylist every six to eight weeks, just to maintain your shape and avoid the dreaded mullet. I also started taking a healthy skin, nails, and hair supplement because biotin is good for your hair. But I'll be real, I'm even slightly skeptical about that. I know I'm putting something good for my body into myself, but I can't shake the feeling I'm just paying to have really expensive urine.

The thing about working with a hairstylist throughout the growing out process makes sense. If you are made of dollars. But I am not made of dollars. Nor is there a dollar tree just blowin' around in the backyard I don't have. Also my hairstylist is on maternity leave. She's got 99 problems and my mullet on the make is so not one of them.

There are so many dubious claims on the web when it comes to growing out your hair. One lady insisted that gathering rain water and only washing your hair with that would make it grow long and strong. I live in an apartment on the highway. I feel like any rain water I gather would be more useful in killing household pests than pouring on my scalp. Another popular myth I found was the idea that brushing your hair 100 times a day makes it stronger and healthier because you're distributing oils. Guess what? That is totally untrue, and in fact, so much friction in your hair can make it break faster. Cue sad trombone music.

Ultimately I think when it comes to growing out your hair, you've got to accept that things are going to be rough for a while. If you're an average jill like me, you've got to quietly invest in about a dozen festive scarves, headbands, and hats. You've probably also got to reconcile yourself to the fact that roughly a third of your income is going directly into the pocket of Big Bobby Pin. Hopefully, the wait and mini-mullet will be worth it when I've got a long mane once more ... in roughly eight years.