Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Things I Am Scared Of (Part 1)

I had read once that physiologists utilized a specific technique to aid their patients in overcoming their fears. The theory was that fear’s crippling power in a person’s life stemmed from that person’s refusal to unmask it. In order to combat this phenomenon, many doctors would have their patients create a detailed list of the things that frightened them. By doing so, the power of the phobia was diminished.

With that in mind, I have decided to make a list of my fears in order to ensure that they no longer pose a threat to my emotional well-being.

Things That I Am Scared Of:

·Waking up in a post-apocalyptic society, discovering that the only two remaining forms of sustenance are spinach or human flesh, and hesitating when given a choice between them.

·That Nancy Grace will one day actually obtain justice.

·People who place an inexpensive chain through a spent rifle casing, place it around their neck as jewelry, and when asked about its significance respond with “Remind me one day to tell you how my cousin died.”

·Any pharmaceutical television commercial that includes images of an elderly couple riding bicycles.

·That a cast member of The Hills will one day become a Federal legislator.

·A dialysis clinic that also offers check cashing services.

·Ground beef products at the grocery store that are labeled “clearance.”

·Regaining consciousness during a surgical procedure just in time to see the physician peer into my torso and casually remark to the scrub nurse “This is nowhere near how it looked on Ask.com.”

·That my house has a peculiar odor that I am unable to detect because I live there.

·That one of my neighbors is a serial killer and I will someday be the moron on the news that utters statements like “He was always so polite” or “Not everyone who paints a pentagram on their mailbox and uses human blood as eye shadow is a bad person!”

·That I never again have the urge to watch a narrated documentary once Morgan Freeman passes away.

·That Sean Penn will write, direct, and star in an animated Disney film called “Why Won’t Mommy Wake Up?”

·The Black Eyed Peas.

·That Progressive Insurance will continue to underwrite the television commercials that feature the saleswoman “Flo.”

·Unicycle street gangs.

·The ambiguity surrounding whether or not ketchup should be refrigerated.

·The inability of celebrities to give their children names unlikely to drive them into chemical dependency.

·People who wear their sunglasses upside down on the back of their neck, at night.