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The American Resource for Materials Pending Investigatory Techniques (A.R.M.P.I.T.) have released some rather revealing and hairy statistics this morning concerning younger Americans. The president is expected to make a comment on educational reform later this week.

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It has long been noted that birds fly south for the winter because of the warmer weather. In actuality, they fly down for two reasons:

1) The typical bird’s diet consists of grub worms and leafy shrubbery. Both of which die out at the close of Autumn quickly in the North. The south has much more plentiful grubbery and shrubbery during this time.

2) The hemisphere weather shift at the beginning of the winter solstice makes it significantly easier to fly in a souther direction, thanks to the cold currents being pushed down from the North. It has not always been this way, however. Global warming is to thank for this as well. Many scientists have been able to pin point the date to 1978, the year that Al Gore invented the internet.