A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead. “How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked her pupil.
“Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently.
“You did WHAT?! ?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
“You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”

A plane is going down fast---no hope of survival. Two complete strangers, a man and a woman are seated side by side. Knowing their ultimate fate the woman hysterically turns to the man, tearing off her blouse, and excitedly demands that he treat her like a woman one last time-----truly amazed and exhilarated at the same time he tears off his shirt, hands it to her, and asks her to iron it for him.

__________________
The only difference between a "cook" and a "Chef" is who cleans up the kitchen.

>A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was
>severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't
graft any
>skin from
>his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate
some of
>her
>own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor
felt was
>suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and
wife agreed
>that
>they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they
requested
>that
>the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very
delicate
>matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded
at the
>man's new
>face.
>He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and
>relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty! One day,
he was
>alone with
>his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He
said,
>"Dear,
>I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
>How can I possibly repay you?"
>"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every
time I see
>your mother kiss you on the cheek."

1. "Vacuuming too often will weaken the carpet fibers." Say this with a serious face and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.

2. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SF factor of 5 and leave it alone.

3. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply say, "What? And spoil the mood?"

4. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children.

5. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room, and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love for you to see our den but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

6. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place an urn on the coffee table and insist that, "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."

7. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Johnny did this when he was two. I haven't had the heart to clean it."

8. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to our chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.

9. Dust bunnies can evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and ecological exemption.

10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."