As we said in the previous post, it was necessary for us to split Boulder Beer into two trips, because of the brewery tour schedule that only is convenient for hobos and babies.

However, we’re glad that we took the time for this inconvenient tour, because it was the best one we’ve done so far! It was informational, we actually cared and were entertained, and…the tour ends in a room with 6 or 7 pitchers of free beer!

As usual, we were running a little bit late, thanks to me, so we got there about five minutes late. However, what we’ve learned after several instances of rushing places for tours (usually my fault), is that the Boulder breweries are pretty laid back about their tours, unlike New Belgium in Fort Collins, where it’s harder to get in than an elite nightclub.

Our tour guide immediately greeted us, and suggested we get beer before the tour began, and that he’d wait for us. (We also enjoy the tours where you are encouraged to start drinking before it even begins).

We started off in the room with the mash tanks, and got to actually see the guy working on it (This is the first time that’s happened. All the other breweries seem to work similar to the Wonka factory and have secret brewery oompa loompas that brew the beer when no one is looking).

We manged to escape this room with only two close encounters of ruining 50 barrels of beer.

Note: Don’t sneeze into the mashton tanks and try not to trip right in front of them sending yourself into 1,750 gallons of beer sludge.

This brewer was clearly not an ompa loompa

Pre-beer gooey sludge mess

During the rest of this hour-long tour we were taken through the entire process of beer making- from making the yeast to the actual brewing, to the bottling. Then we ended in the tasting room, where Boulder Beer supplied the tour with the pitchers of all of the beers.

At the end of the tour we also got to see some of the first ever canned version of Hazed and Infused as well as the miniature brew system that is available to any Boulder Beer employee that wants to try out and experiment in a small quantity of their own batch of beer which is where some of the most liked beers from Boulder Beer have started out.

Because we usually only half pay attention when people talk, even when it’s interesting, here are the highlights from the tour.

Boulder Beer is a 50 barrel brewhouse

They put their grist hopper in the wrong spot and have to use a giant tube to get it into the mash tanks. This could have been easily avoided if the original design of the brewery had been done BEFORE they were testing the beers.

"Shouldn't we put this by the mash tank?" "Details..."

Beer actually comes in barrels as a unit of measurement, but that term isn’t usually used because it would be a pain in the as to have to carry around a barrel, which is equivalent to 2 kegs. That’s why we have handy things like kegs and pony kegs. And Firkins.

There are two types of yeast used in their beers. Wheat beers have a special yeast.

Secret pictures aren’t so secret when you stick a camera up to someone’s neck, because someone else keeps pointing at their lanyard.

He just really wants to save the ocean!

Air is bad for beer, really bad.

We have no idea where this door goes. Speculation is that it would be a great trick to play on someone you don’t like.

Well mortal enemy, what you're looking for is right through that door...

It takes the yeast and beer 2-7 days to ferment

As the yeast gets cold, it sinks. That’s why the beer tanks are cone shaped.

Beer is pumped into aging tanks and sits there for weeks.

The same yeast can be used for 10 generations safely, and still give beer a great flavor.

There are several different types of hopping, including wet hopping and dry hopping.

You can only imagine how many times we snickered, and how many innuendos we made when our guide was talking about “dry hopping”

Men can’t be trusted to do anything right, including taking decent pictures. But check out the home-grown hops in the background! We were told none of this hops is actually used in the beers because someone planted it years ago, no one wrote down what kind it is; surprise, surprise.

It's like a really bad senior picture.

Malt is actually pretty good. It tastes like burnt toast.

"I could eat this like a snack!"

Caramel malt is crunchy and kind of sweet.

Hops are weird. They look like rabbit pellets and have a very citrusy, floral smell- just like hoppy beers do.

"It looks like a rabbit pooped in your hand."

Bad things happen when you stick your hand into a machine.

I bet that guy regrets drinking on the job

Lisa hates everyone. (I was the only one that had to return to work after this tour was over and therefore didn’t get to enjoy the beers for as long as everyone else did, hence the angry face. – Lisa)

To start it should be noted that this brewery had to be done in two parts. First, obviously was the beer drinking and second was the actual tour of the brewery itself. We did the beer drinking a few weeks back and then had to wait for nice weekday to sneak out of work and head to the brewery for the tour because for some unknown reason Boulder beer only does brewery tours on WEEKDAYS at 2pm.

When we arrived to sample the beer and we first noticed a few key things.

1) We were really late – this is not surprising knowing Julia

2) The parking lot is very Boulderish and makes no sense at all and almost deterred from going at all

3) What looked to be EVERY employee was smoking in front of the building which means not only did we get blog content, some good beers and a lot of laughs but lung cancer too!

Even the straws are Bouldery- meaning they're smarmy and eco-friendly. You can see how we feel.

As previously stated we eat constantly so we all ordered food. Not just any food but the most fattening food on the menu. What better compliment to the empty calories we were about to consume in beer than some of the most fat filled foods you can get? Flawless female logic. (Kind of like how I go to the gym before every brewery. –Julia)

And all of it was delicious.

While waiting for our food we were asked by one of the other non-boobed group members (no this was not a highly athletic semi-lesbian female) but one of the males what we were going to do after we finished all our 30 brewery tours and subsequently had nothing more to write about.

The obvious progression for any good alliterative blogger is to continue down the alphabet. So be prepared for our follow-up blog- Cocaine, Cooters and Confined Spaces (We felt we should continue with something unhealthy, something dirty, and a place to do all of it).

I got irrationally angry at the waitress (admittedly) because she was singing and dancing to the awkward 80’s cover band and it was uncalled for. The males decided to challenge our blog with their own entitled “Burritos at Breweries” because every time we go to a brewery with food they order burritos. In case you were wondering it WILL feature a moob rating system.

As a result of Julia dropping her pen under the table, me wearing a short dress, and her taking pictures under the table of me trying to pick up the pen with my feet we also inadvertently started the “Cooters” portion of our next blog early.

I guess Julia's not that good at cooter capturing

At this point it also got a bit awkward when I proclaimed that I am in fact “better with my feet”. For the rest of the night, the males referred to me as “Footjob”. All jokes aside, footjobs ARE possible.

(I just keep picturing you being an evil James Bond Nemesis. And killing good guys with your feet. After you bang, of course. –Julia)

After devouring his food in record time, one of the males began staring at everyone else’s food as they were still eating.

Male 1: “Do you want some of this?”

Male 2: “No, that’s okay…”

As you can see by the picture he had his eyes on something else he was hoping to be offered by staring at them.

"Hey it worked for everything else I stared at..."

Our guest boob for the night was Sarah Megill! Since I generally don’t get along with females – EVER, I ran out of female friends after the first guest boob, which means we have to rely on Julia to provide us with additional females to accompany us on the remainder of the brewery tours.

(Good luck on that. I have approximately 5 female friends, Lisa included. If we were doing a blog involving gay men as our companions, we’d be SET –Julia)

Yay! Fun Sarah! (we know so many Sarahs we have to differentiate them somehow)

As we started with the beers we *astonishingly* realized one of the beers on the taster we had already had. Buffalo Gold is also served at the Walnut Brewery and because we were too lazy to ask we have no idea which brewery actually brews this.

I would hope though that if we had asked they would have passed blame to the other brewery. Yes, I said passed blame because this beer is sub-par, especially in comparison to the other beers they serve.

We also noted most the beers weren’t very cold. but we seized the opportunity as an excuse to drink them faster.

Onto the beers.

The waitress kept looking at us awkwardly as we did this

Buffalo Gold– It’s been less than a week and we still hated it.
1 boob

Cold Hop Spring Ale – Bitter aftertaste.

“It tastes like flowers!”
“Yeah. Bitter flowers.”

Julia -2
Lisa -3 (only because Julia gave it a 2)

Pastime Ale– Not bitter, smells like fruit.
2 boobs

Singletrack Copper Ale– The name serves it justice. Tastes like copper.

“Tastes like if you got a penny stuck under my tongue, then drank a beer. Maybe just half a penny though, not the full thing.”

2 boobs

Sundance– nutty and hoppy
2 boobs

Sweaty Betty– Originally excited for this beer, but then realized it tastes like cloves and rotten bananas. The bananas freaked us out. It’s creative, but weird.
2 boobs (only for originality)

Hazed and Infused– The original. It’s powerful and delicious.
3 boobs

Flashback– “There’s a biscuit in this!” “This tastes like I got it in my nostril”

2 boobs

Lisa probably is smiling because she got an early start on the Cocaine, Cooters and Confined Spaces blog by snorting coke

Planet Porter- WEAKEST PORTER EVER. There wasn’t really a point

“It’s a lady porter. It’s the Smirnoff Ice of porters.”

1 boob, only because it was a disgrace to porters

Mojo Pale Ale– Wasn’t as good as Avery’s.

“It PALES in comparison. HAHAHAHAHA.” -Lisa

To be fair, I found this beer was delicious and was only disappointed since it lacked the real kick that the comparable IPA’s had. Definitely a must order if you go to this brewery though.

3 Boobs

Blueberry Beer (seasonal) Kinda Blue– Tastes like tea. Would’ve been better had it not been flat and warm.“Tastes like tea.”
“What kind of tea?”
“Shitty tea.”

3 Boobs

And that was that. Stay tuned for the review of the Boulder Beer tour, which we really liked. I leave you with this picture of my dress, which matched perfectly with my bra, making it the perfect drinking dress. You, know, just in case.