Once there was an old man who lived alone. He wanted to plant vegetables in his garden, but the ground was almost as hard as stone, and at his age that kind of labor would be difficult for him. The old man’s son wanted to help him but he could not because he was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son.

“My dear son, I no longer have good health or strength to plant vegetables in the garden. If you were here, you could do the work for me and I wouldn’t have these kinds of problems. Your loving father.”

After a few days, the old man received a letter from his son: “Dear Dad, for goodness’ sake, don’t dig in the garden! That’s where I hid the body.”

The next day a large group of police showed up at the old man’s house and dug up the entire garden, searching for the body; however, they found none.

The old man wrote a letter to his son, explaining what happened. The son replied, “Dear Dad, I helped you the best way I could. Enjoy your vegetable garden! Your loving son.”

Lesson XXXVI from the book A Complete Grammar of Esperanto by Ivy Kellerman, 1910

Originala Angla Versio / Original English Version

The serious affairs of a republic are managed by persons representing the persons who live there. The inhabitants are well represented and as free as possible. Enlightened persons often prefer to live in a republic. Persons who have a good king are very happy, but those who have a bad king are as unhappy as possible. Nowadays there are very few tyrants. The majority of the kings of Europe are praiseworthy. That nation, which was most enlightened a thousand years ago, was the Chinese nation. The Chinese of that time already had good printers among them. It is said that the Chinese drink as much tea as two or three contemporary nations. The oldest republic in Europe is named San Marino. It is near the mountains, in the northern part of the much-praised Italian land. It contains only twenty-two square miles and is, therefore, one of the smallest republics in the world. Fourteen-hundred years ago it was already a republic, and it is still that same republic. The inhabitants are energetic and patient and have as much to eat as they need. There are bakers, shopkeepers, and many laborers among them. They do not think about commerce or greatly change their customs. They seldom take tiresome journeys but remain peacefully at home.

Lesson XXXIII from the book A Complete Grammar of Esperanto by Ivy Kellerman, 1910

Originala Angla Versio / Original English Version

My friend likes to live in the city, but his wife prefers to live in their little cottage in the country. There she can see and smell the flowers and can take long walks in the adjacent fields and forest. There are often hundreds of people in a village, but there are thousands of people in a city. The larger a city is, the larger and better its stores are. In the second place, one can buy better bread, vegetables, and cake in the city. Thirdly, one can also find better gloves, hats, and shoes there, and the price is often less. Therefore, I make use of the opportunity when I go to the city and usually buy a pair of new gloves. I am still wearing a pair of gloves that the rain spoiled. Notwithstanding their ugly color, they are still thick and good. But soon I shall buy such a pair as is hanging in the window of that store. The price is low, and I need a new pair now, for my cousin has invited me to a small party at his house. I accepted his invitation courteously and said that I would gladly be his guest. We are good comrades, although he is younger than I am. My cousin, his sister, is older than he is, but he is as tall as she. I was just about to send a letter to him at the minute that he knocked on our door. His visit will take the place of my letter. Just as he was going away, I said goodbye to him and said that I would meet him in the park tomorrow. I think that we shall have a pleasant walk, although the weather is still remarkably cold, the same as it was two or three months ago.

WEST SPRINGFIELD, Mass., October 16, 2009 — A car salesman was kidnapped from an auto dealership when a man, while test driving a car, refused to bring him back.

Aleh Kot, 32, of West Springfield, approached the salesman at Balise Honda in West Springfield at around 1:00 p.m. on Thursday, wanting to test drive a black 2010 Honda Accord. When the test drive seemed to go on too long, the salesman asked Kot to return to the car dealership, but Kot refused. Kot ended up driving over 1,000 miles (1,609 km), with the salesman along for the ride for the first leg of the journey. When the car slowed at the tollbooth near the Massachusetts state line, the salesman was able to jump out of the car. The following day Wisconsin State Patrol pulled Kot over for speeding 90 mph (145 km/h), and authorities arrested him after it was determined that the car had been reported as stolen.

“For him not to be stopped by a state trooper until then is astonishing,” says Larry Bass, general manager for Balise Honda. “We’re just glad they caught him and our salesman was not injured.”

If Kot stayed on Interstate 90 the entire way from western Massachusetts to Wisconsin, he would have driven past several populated areas including Buffalo, Cleveland, and Chicago. At an average speed of 60 mph (97 km/h), driving 1,008 miles (1,622 km) nonstop would take approximately 16 hours and 41 minutes. But Kot made it in a little over 15 hours, meaning his average speed was 67 mph (108 km/h), and that doesn’t count time lost to pit stops for fuel, food, or to use the rest room. A 2010 Honda Accord, with an 18.5-gallon (70-liter) gas tank, has a cruising range of about 460 miles (740 km), meaning Kot had to stop at least once.

PITTSBURGH, Penn., October 10, 1998 — A woman’s life was saved by her pet Vietnamese pot-bellied pig, after the woman suffered a heart attack, and the pig “played dead” in the street in order to summon help.

Jo Ann Altman, 61, of Beaver Falls, N.Y., was vacationing with her husband, Jack, their dog, Bear, and their Vietnamese pot-bellied pig, Lulu, at Presque Isle State Park, Penn., on August 4, 1998. That morning, Jack left the couple’s trailer at 5:00 a.m. for a fishing excursion. When Jo Ann tried to get out of bed later that morning, she felt disoriented and dizzy. She managed to force herself out of bed, but as she did she collapsed. Jo Ann could not move, felt nauseated, and had severe pains in her arm and chest. Having suffered a heart attack 18 months prior, Jo Ann knew that she was experiencing another heart attack.

“I tried to scream for help but no one seemed to hear me,” says Jo Ann. “I managed to reach for my alarm clock and throw it through the window, but no one came. Bear and Lulu were just looking at me and whimpering. I was praying to God to take care of my family, and I kept saying to Lulu, ‘Go lie down,’ but she wouldn’t. Then she disappeared.”

Lulu, who had never previously left the confines of the yard at home in New York, squeezed her way through the trailer’s doggy door and ran to the nearest road. Lulu, who weighed about 125 pounds (57 kg) at the time, lay down in the middle of the road. When cars would simply drive around the massive animal, Lulu would run back to the trailer to check on Jo Ann and then return to the road.

“Lulu would keep returning and then disappearing again,” says Jo Ann. “I had no idea what she was doing. With all the pain, ten minutes felt like a lifetime. Every time Lulu came back, I would try to get her to lie down, but she wouldn’t. I remember Lulu coming back and leaving again, and I just shut my eyes and waited for the pain to go.”

After about forty-five minutes, the determined pig finally managed to persuade a young motorist to stop. He went over to Lulu, but as soon as he approached her, she got up and started to walk toward the trailer. Lulu kept walking, occasionally checking to make sure the man was following her. She led him right to the door of the trailer.

Realizing there was a problem, the man ran to the campground reception office and dialed 911. Jo Ann was rushed to the hospital, and Lulu, having cut the underside of her belly from squeezing in and out of the doggy door, was taken to a veterinarian. However, this was the only injury Lulu sustained; remarkable considering she lay on a busy highway for lengthy periods of time trying to stop cars. But were it not for the heroics of Lulu and the quick thinking of the young stranger on the road, things could have been very different.

Lulu was rewarded with a jelly donut and was honored with the ASPCA‘s Trooper Award for bravery.

OXFORD, England, June 30, 2009 — Gregory McCalium, 24, was left with severe facial wounds after he broke into his elderly neighbor’s home, without realizing that his neighbor was a retired boxer.

Frank Corti, 72, a former junior boxing champion and winner of the National Association of Boys’ Clubs Championship in Birmingham at age 16, upon discovering intruder McCalium in his home, sprang into action and delivered two right hooks. The blows were so powerful that McCalium, who had just lunged at Corti with a knife, was left looking like he had been in “a car accident.” Corti then restrained McCalium until police arrived.

The incident was the culmination of a long-running dispute over noise between the neighbors, who live in Botley, Oxford. Corti described how he had been woken during the night by noise from next door for several months before the incident. Corti said, “They would slam the doors, then they would start partying. You could hear shouting, screaming, and music.”

According to Corti, on the night of August 18 of last year, McCalium was having a rowdy party at his house when police arrived after a complaint from a neighbor. McCalium assumed that Corti had made the complaint. Corti later called police when McCalium was banging on the front door of Corti’s house at about 6:30 a.m. Two hours later, Corti said he came downstairs and saw McCalium in his hallway. Corti recounted, “The accused produced a knife. It was no ordinary knife. It was more like a six-bladed knuckle duster. He made a slashing movement at me. I stepped back. He missed me, fortunately. While he was off balance, I grabbed both of his wrists and managed to pin his arms against the wall. I told him to drop the knife, but he wouldn’t. I shouted to my wife to ring the police. I was absolutely petrified. As I saw it, it was a matter of do or die, so I let his wrists go. Fortunately, the element of surprise was with me, so I adjusted my position and hit him with my right hand. It was just below the eye. I did not knock him out, but he was stunned. I heard the knife drop. We grappled. I was trying to drag him out of the back door. We both fell to the floor. I had to subdue him by punching him, which I did not take a great deal of pleasure in. I then lay on top of him until the police arrived.”

At his trial in March, McCalium claimed he could not remember the incident. He was sentenced to four and a half years in prison after a judge told him he had “got what he deserved.”

After sentencing, Corti said, “I was scared when he first drew the knife, but most people would have acted in the same way. If you can’t defend what’s yours, where are we at? If I needed to, I would do it again.”

GUANGZHOU, China, May 23, 2009 — A passer-by pushed a would-be suicide jumper off a bridge because he was fed up at the man’s “selfish activity,” according to Chinese news reports.

LAI Jiansheng, 66, a retired soldier, was passing by the Haizhu Bridge in the city of Guangzhou when he saw CHEN Fuchao threatening to jump. Chen had held up traffic for five hours, drawing a crowd at the bridge. Lai offered to talk Chen down, but police refused to allow it. Lai then broke through the police barrier and climbed up to where Chen was sitting. Lai greeted Chen with a handshake and then pushed him off the bridge. Chen fell 26 feet (eight meters), landing in a partially inflated emergency air cushion that police had placed underneath the bridge. Chen survived with minor elbow and spine injuries and is now recovering in the hospital. Lai, with a broad grin on his face, saluted the dumbfounded crowd as he watched Chen fall.

Lai justified his actions, saying, “I pushed him off because jumpers like Chen are very selfish. Their actions violate a lot of public interests. They do not really dare to kill themselves. Instead, they just want to raise the relevant government authorities’ attention to their appeals.”

Chen wanted to kill himself because he had two million yuan ($294,000) in debt after a failed construction project. Police took Lai away but did not say whether he would be charged with any offense. He was later released on bail.

The bridge has gained a macabre reputation with 11 people attempting to jump in the previous two months.

BRUSSELS, Belgium, June 16, 2009 — A Belgian teenager is suing a tattoo artist after she allegedly asked for three stars on her face and instead received 56.

Kimberley Vlaminck, 18, went to a local tattoo parlor called The Tattoo Box and was assisted by Romanian tattoo artist Rouslan Toumaniantz. Vlaminck claims that she only asked for three stars to be tattooed on her face. She states that Toumaniantz only spoke broken English and French but tried to be clear about what she wanted. Vlaminck says she then fell asleep during the procedure and awoke to instead find 56 stars across the left side of her face. She is now suing Toumaniantz for $14,000, the cost of the laser surgery she will need to remove the tattoos.

However, Toumaniantz says that he gave her exactly what she wanted. “She was awake and looked into the mirror several times as the procedure was taking place. The trouble all started when she went home and her father and boyfriend threw a fit.”

Toumaniantz initially agreed to pay for half of her laser surgery, saying, “Kimberley is unhappy and it is not my wish to have an unsatisfied client. There is a way to remove the tattoos with the help of a laser. I agree to pay for half the cost.”

But Vlaminck has finally confessed she did not fall asleep, that she wanted all the stars, and that she was fully aware of what Toumaniantz was doing. “I asked for 56 stars and initially adored them. But when my father saw them, he was furious. So I said I fell asleep and that the tattoo artist had made a mistake.”

Toumanaintz has now withdrawn his offer and says from now on he will get written consent from clients before he begins tattooing. “I don’t regret it. To tell you the truth, this has given me some publicity.”

Lesson XXXII from the book A Complete Grammar of Esperanto by Ivy Kellerman, 1910

Originala Angla Versio / Original English Version

Alfred the Great was a praiseworthy king who lived more than a thousand years ago. People still talk about him because he not only translated many Latin books into the English language, but also wrote in English. He wished to help the peasants still more. But enemies often attacked him, and finally they conquered his soldiers. Then they hastened to where Alfred was. They were about to attack him when he rode away secretly into a large forest. There he dwelt some time in the house of a poor forester. He wore such rags as a peasant usually wears and did not tell the forester who he was. One day he was sitting near the fire and wondering, “Will the enemy have conquered my soldiers next week?” The forester’s wife said, “Will you sit there yet a while and take care of those cakes? I am about to gather more wood.” He replied, “Certainly, I will try to help you.” But when, after a few minutes, the woman smelled the cakes, she knew that the fire had spoiled them. She exclaimed, “Oh, what a blame-worthy man!” She commenced to beat the king cruelly, but he did not defend himself. Instead, he told her who he was. Then the woman felt ashamed and asked for the king’s forgiveness, and he forgave her.