Sunday, October 28, 2007

What If Bad Things Gonna Happen? (Part II)

The Sports Guy before NBA ASG in Las Vegas: Every ovulating groupie within a 12-hour vicinity will be making the weekend drive to Vegas to hopefully get impregnated by an NBA player - a list that includes every hooker, stripper and jock-sniffing female between 16 and 40 from Vegas, Reno, Sacramento, San Diego, San Francisco, Oakland, Phoenix and every city and town in the Los Angeles area. To its credit, the NBA is recommending that all players wear two condoms at once, even during the day and when they're sleeping... Every celeb and wannabe celeb will descend on the city to party. (If you ever wanted to have Britney Spears puke on you, this is the weekend.)What if bad things gonna happen in New Orleans 2008 ASG? I mean, it can't get much worse.

Northwest Division Issues>>>

NUGGETS-Allen Iverson is past his prime-Carmelo Anthony can't defend-Marcus Camby got limited scoring capabilities-Kenyon Martin is back, but has 82+ gms ahead-JR Smith could sink the entire ship-Nene may get unhappy with his diminished role-Eduardo Najera with limited offensive skills-George Karl prattles about DNightmare: Out of Playoffs

TIMBERWOLVES-Randy Wittman ain't an NBA head coach-Al Jefferson may feel uneasy being the next KG-Ryan Gomes is mediocre in all aspects-Randy Foye struggles playing the point-Bassy Telfair ain't serviceable at all-Gerald Green can't play the right way-Juwan Howard wants out-Theo Ratliff is on par with Jerome James-Rashad McCants got erratic ballhandling-Marko Jaric is a waste-Greg Buckner's invisibility-Corey Brewer is too young to defend-Mark Madsen is mad dogNightmare: Last in the West(What about the best trade ever, Toine Walker (who's never gonna play for Wolves) for Ricky Davis (who's, well, Ricky Davis). Good luck, Heat.)

TRAIL BLAZERS-Jarrett Jack is an underachiever-Steve Blake ain't the good leader for this young team-Brandon Roy's foot problems-Taurean Green is undeveloped-Martell Webster is only projected to be good-Darius Miles is dangerous in the lockerroom-Channing Frye is one-dimensional-LaMarcus Aldridge is Frye No. 2-Raef LaFrentz is forgotten-Joel Przybilla has severe limitations-Nate McMillan may get frustrated-Greg Oden is out for the seasonNightmare: Last in the West

SUPERSONICS-Luke Ridnour is ordinary-Earl Warson is never satisfied-PJ Carlesimo may be squeezed with losses-Kevin Durant's low shooting percentage-Damien Wilkins may be traded-Delonte West must learn how to get better-Wally Szczerbiak is heavy-footed, defenseless-Jeff Green is a rookie-Chris Wilcox is lazy-Kurt Thomas may get frustrated with youngsters-Nick Collison lacks the talent to be more-Robert Swift's experiment won't workNightmare: Last in the West

JAZZ-Deron Williams has just Boozer-Carlos Boozer has just D-Will-Memo Okur can't play playoff ball-Ronnie Brewer is young & erratic-Gordan Giricek is even more erratic-Andrei Kirilenko can't coexist with his coach-Jerry Sloan's stubborness-Jason Hart is a journeyman-Jarron Collins can't hit anything-Matt Harpring's aching knees-Paul Millsap is solid, but that's allNightmare: Out of Playoffs

Southwest Division Issues>>>

MAVERICKS-Dirk Nowitzki's head ain't built for postseason-Jason Terry is a loser-Devin Harris is headless-Josh Howard can explode, negatively-Jerry Stackhouse more talks than plays-Devean George's brain is still in 2002-Eddie Jones is forgotten-DeSagana Diop has nothing but a large body-Erick Dampier has chronic foul trouble-Trenton Hassell is invisible-Avery Johnson is still learning how to coachNightmare: Second Round Playoff Exit

ROCKETS-Rick Adelman is a playoff loser-Rafer Alston should have been traded-Mike James is one-dimensional-Steve Francis should have retired-Tracy McGrady, one health issue here, the second there-Shane Battier is unutilized-Luis Scola has to adjust to everything-Yao Ming's stamina is no good-Bonzi Wells acts like a jerk-Chuck Hayes can't score with a pencil-Dikembe Mutombo... is he 48?-Luther Head can't passNightmare: First Round Playoff Exit

GRIZZLIES-Marc Iavaroni is a rookie-coach-Mike Miller can't create his shots on the run-Pau Gasol is soft-Rudy Gay makes mistakes-Darko Milicic doesn't give a beep-Stromile Swift's last dunk was years ago-Hakim Warrick is unproven-Tarence Kinsley plays good in preseason-Mike Conley can't shoot-Juan Carlos Navarro can't defendNightmare: Last in the West

HORNETS-Chris Paul needs to get stronger-Tyson Chandler can't avoid silly fouls-David West is hidden-Peja Stojakovic's brain is still in 2002-Mo Peterson is in the West now-Bobby Jackson keeps aging-Melvin Ely is good on paper-Hilton Armstrong is too unreliable-Rasual Butler is drab-Julian Wright is in the NBA now-Byron Scott got bad luckNightmare: Bottom Feeders

SPURS*-Tony Parker has occasional lapses-Tim Duncan is in an even (2008) year-Francisco Elson's mask is not comfortable-Fabricio Oberto moves like scarecrow-Bruce Bowen may disconnect his longest streak of games-Brent Barry's D is no good-Mike Finley is old-Manu Ginobili may have contusions-Robert Horry doesn't care about regular season-Jacque Vaughn's O sucks-Matt Bonner is awkward away from the hoop-Ime Udoka's PT is in trouble-Beno Udrih should be traded ASAP-Gregg Popovich doesn't have PJ Carlesimo nowNightmare: First Round Playoff Exit(*Okay, I'm BIASED.)

CLIPPERS-Sam Cassell is old and fragile-Elton Brand is injured-Tim Thomas doesn't care-Brevin Knight is invisible-Cuttino Mobley does nothing but fires-Quinton Ross lacks jumper-Corey Maggette is selfish-Ruben Patterson is too unstable-Chris Kaman is minimally talented-Mike Dunleavy will be firedNightmare: Last in the West

LAKERS-Derek Fisher lack foot-speed-Jordan Farmar lacks athleticism-Kobe Bryant will be traded-Maurice Evans is better on paper-Luke Walton can't defend-Vladimir Radmanovic is busy off the floor-Lamar Odom is often invisible-Brian Cook is one-dimensional-Kwame Brown has weak hands-Andrew Bynum is undeveloped-Chris Mihm is forgotten-Ronny Turiaf is just a mere hustler-Phil Jackson will retireNightmare: Out of the Playoffs

KINGS-Mike Bibby declines-Kenny Thomas is invisible-Bard Miller's slowness-Ron Artest's head-Kevin Martin is too skinny-Quincy Douby is D-Leaguer-John Salmons is average-Francisco Garcia can't control his skills-Shareef Abdur-Rahim is the past-Mikki Moore will be lost on this team-Reggie Theus is coach-unknownNightmare: Last in the West

p.s.: less is more: no international ball for tim duncan and manu ginobili this summer means fresher legs for this team's run at back-to-back banners and a spot among the all-time nba dynasties. until further notice, duncan remains the league's most valuable. (-j.a. adande)p.s.2: the suns lost fairly convincingly to san antonio in the playoffs, then dealt kurt thomas, their only big man who could defend tim duncan (and by defend i mean hold him under 35 points). who's guarding duncan on the 2008 suns? stoudemire? diaw? puh-leeze. if you're picking the suns to beat the spurs, you'd better hope duncan gets injured or contracts a rare tropical disease by april. (-bill simmons)p.s.3: in an effort to expand the league's marketing potential, david stern announces that the 2010 nba finals will be held on mars. (-randy hill)