Contempt may be hard to define, but l bet you know it when you feel it. Beware. Contempt is a prime sign of relationship or marriage problems ahead. Renowned marriage researcher John Gottman lists it as one of his top indicators that a relationship will fail.

There are some common signs that contempt is underlying the negative tone in a conversation. Eye-rolling suggests contempt. An upper lip raised on one side suggests contempt, as does a sarcastic tone of voice.

If you have these habits, or if you have been on the receiving end of these negative communications, beware. They are sure signs that someone is not listening or listening only to deprecate you (or that you are doing the same to your partner).

What parents do toward each other and toward their children teaches kids to do the same. Some kids—and adults—are clever, however. Even if their parents display empathy, they discover contempt on their own (or learn it from peers).

What is the nature of contempt that makes it such a potent predictor of marriage failure?

Why does regular eye-rolling cause relationships to turn out poorly? What is it about a snippy tone of voice that conveys that you are dismissing and disregarding what someone has said?

Wikipedia gives helpful basic information on the nature of contempt. It writes:

"Contempt is a... mix of the primary emotions disgust and anger. [1] The word originated in 1393, from the Latin word contemptus, meaning 'scorn.'

Robert C. Solomon places contempt on the same continuum as resentment and anger, and he argues that the differences between the three is that resentment is directed toward a higher status individual; anger is directed toward an equal status individual; and contempt is directed toward a lower status individual." [3]

The more expression of contempt, the less caring for and about each other.

Empathy has the opposite effects. The more empathetic acts that are committed and attitudes that are displayed, the more caring and love will be present in the relationship. The more empathy that exists between spouses and toward children, the more that everyone in a household feels both loving and loved.

2. Powering over.

Talking with a contemptuous tone of voice or dismissing information from the other says, "I matter. You don't." That's a power play. If I know better than you do, I’m setting myself above you.

We all want to feel positive about ourselves. Negative messages of "you’re not okay" are, in this sense, toxic, poisoning our self-concept like mercury poisons a pool of water.

Tone alone can convey the contemptuous "you're not okay" message. Even if the words are fine, when the tone sounds contemptuous, the tone will prevail.

4. Contempt signifies rejection.

Rejection may be of what the other person is saying. It may be also of the other person as a whole.

A baby who tastes rotten food immediately wrinkles his nose, curls his lips in an expression of disgust, and spits it out. When someone speaks to you with a tone of contempt, you are likely to feel spit out from that person’s world. “Get out of my life” is the subconscious message embedded in a contemptuous tone of voice or attitude.

If you are the person who felt the contempt or disgust, you are likely to choose to leave the relationship, to spit it out from your life-space. If you feel you have been treated in this manner, you also are likely to exit the relationship. That’s because most people react to being treated contemptuously with the thought, “If you don’t want me, then I don’t want you!”

5. Contempt signifies breaks in the flow.

A relationship connection is expressed and reinforced via information-sharing—that is, by talking and listening. As soon as you say something to me and I respond in a way that indicates that I have heard and accepted your information, we both will feel connected. In a good conversation, two people take turns offering and accepting information, braiding their connection all the while.

If, by contrast, you dismiss what I say, brushing my input aside as if it were unimportant or incorrect, the break in the flow of information between us severs the connection. Contemptuous spitting out or dismissing of what the other person has said causes a break in the flow of information, much like a broken pipe causes a break in the flow of a liquid.

6. Contempt invites feelings of hopelessness.

Psychologist Martin Seligman clarified that when people feel depressed or hopeless, they regard a negative attribute as permanent and pervasive—i.e., as something that will always be there and cannot be changed. Contempt conveys the sense that you have a quality that is hopelessly un-fixable.

What is the alternative to contempt?

Listening to understand, appreciate, and agree is the opposite of listening with contempt.

Another alternative to contempt in relationships is positivity. Positive people enhance their relationships via positive communications—such as, for instance, appreciation, gratitude, affection, agreement, interest, and smiles.

Want to enjoy positive work relationships, healthy relationships with your children, and a long-loving marriage? Dump the contempt. Listen well. And pump up the positivity!

Good artical. it might help some. But my wife has treated me with contempt since the 1st day of our marriage. 27 years of it. When walking out of therapy she repeatedly tells me that she is not going back because there is nothing she has to change other than me. Her favorite phrase is "if momma is not happy nobody is happy!" The three kids are grown and have all encouraged me to divorce her. No therapist has ever been allowed access to the cause of her brokenness. And none will. She is a cancer of criticism to all who are near her. Although it won't sell books there are circumstances where the cancer must be excised. What dark circumstances created this evil I will never know but when my wife's best friend and all my friends, my parents, her own sister and our children all say divorce her that is saying something. It is further punctuated by the fact that as religious people we frown on divorce. But then again she is religious only in church and in front of religious people.

Marriage is not meant to be an endurance contest. When a spouse is essentially verbally abusive, the question for me is whether this at some point constitutes a violation of marriage vows to love and respect each other. Contempt and criticism can become a dealbreaker.

I see myself in the first responders feedback. I have been married 43 years, and over time the contempt she holds me in has been getting worse and worse. I didn't see her verbal abuse, name calling, swearing and so forth as contempt. I just thought that's how marriages go. We went to counselling, but she quickly stopped, saying she was ok, she didn't need to do anything to making our marriage work just for me to get fixed, and that I needed counselling not her. My tipping point was her spitting on me when she got so angry that I didn't do something she wanted. I brushed the first time off,but the second time I knew there was something deeper.

I am guilty of not firmly establishing my personal boundaries, giving in to her to keep the peace and stay married. But that has only made things worse. Lately, I've done a bit of therapy, read a lot, and joined a men's team for support. Through it all, I've come to understand that I have to set firm boundaries, and be really clear on the behaviour I will accept. Unfortunately that is making things even worse between us.

This morning we tried to talk about something, and she told me to shut up. And a light went on in me. The contempt shone through so clearly, that I wondered why I hadn't seen it before. I was blind to her contempt because I wanted something else, I wanted our marriage to work. Even after the spitting incidents, I didn't connect with contempt. She tells me that her behaviour, and her raging contempt, is all my fault, not hers. I don't see it that way, though I spent a long time thinking I was doing so me thing wrong. That maybe I just needed to try harder and be nicer to her, things could work out ok.

Anyway, that's my story, and the reason I'm looking at this PT article this morning is that I'm wondering what to do about being held in contempt. I wonder if there is something I should be doing besides planning an exit from my unhappy marriage. Sadly, I don't think there is any other option, and I am emotionally preparing myself to exit my long-term marriage. The physical break will come sooner than later since I've set my personal boundaries.

i can't believe there are men out there who have been married over 29 years and suffered through these ordeals.

I have been married over 3 years now. One kid.
My worst experience is the silent treatment. and when that ends, i wish she would shut-up because the things she does have to say, is better not heard.

When I do anything she asks me to do, it is always wrong. Few times, I left it and said, well, do it yourself if you want it your way.

She will use hurtful words, but never ever apologize. if it is ever brought up in a conversation, she states, she is not sorry. that I deserved it and she has no regrets for doing what she did.

She screams at the kid all day long. when he screams back at her, she blames me, stating, he learned by watching our arguments. I have tried many times in the past to take her away from the room the child is in, to talk calmly and peacefully. but things always get out of hand.

her constant threats of leaving me (can't live like this, can't live like this) - "my life is ruined" . when I express my fears of her leaving me, she states, it's my own insecurities and that's why I keep fearing that she will leave me.

at times, i wish she would leave me. but then again, when I think about it. I can't imagine life without her. why is that?
all family and friends who know the truth keep asking me to divorce her.

they have stopped coming over to our place and hardly communicate with us as a couple. they will meet me outside and such, but do not want anything to do with her because she hurts me so much (emotionally).

Yours is a case where seeking out a counselor who is clear that yelling is a form of verbal abuse may help you to escape from it.

Meanwhile, you MUST protect your child from being yelled at. It's bad enough that you stay when your wife yells at you. You are an adult and if you choose to stick around to be continually beaten, that's your choice. But your child has not chosen it, and has no escape unless your protect him. Your wife is crippling him emotionally for life.

When the child grows up, he will blame you for not protecting him, and appropriately so.

Am I being tough on you? Yes. You are the grownup. You need to figure out how to protect your son.

I don't give advice in this column. I do however speak up on behalf of children. Please listen.

She is always judging and blaming everything around her when she really is the one who can't appreciate anything good. If anyone in the family dares to show a bit of emotion, she blows up. I have learned that there is no way to help her change her world view so she can stop criticizing; not to mention care for us. When anyone in the family is trying to make a change or move forward, she finds imaginary problems and shows dramatic contempt on any ideas that she doesn't understand. I am a woman myself but I don't understand how some women harbor so much hate in familial relationships. Aside form all the dramatic emotions and rejections that I have learnt to cope with, it is still sharply painful when she shows contempt (sarcasm, snaring, sighing) toward us and other things. She seems to want to show that she's the one with worldly knowledge and if anyone makes a mistake it's because we didn't follow her divine law. It has been painful and very depressing. I don't know how to face it even thought your article perfectly defines the behavior and its consequences. What is the point of trying to control everything yet refuses to understand? Is it purely hatred that she is throwing into the family?

When someone locks into pure negativity, nothing you or I or anyone does is likely to be able to change that.

What we can change is how each of us reacts. You can take your mother's contemptuous remarks to heart, or you can ignore the content and take the comments just as yet another sign that your mother is still locked into hate mode. Think of her maybe has having an illness of hatred that she simply cannot, or in any case will not, shake off. Or as wearing a blindfold that enables her to see only darkness, not the real you or the realities of anyone in the family.

John Gottman’s work on this topic is really useful. His list of 4 primary attitudes and behaviors—what he dramatically calls, “Horsemen of the Apocalypse”—that erode relationship happiness offer a blueprint for how most of us currently handle or instigate conflict:

My husband has the 4 of those and as consequence a use a lot the point 2: criticism. He knows what he has to change but doesn't want to.And does not want me to leave him. He does not care and he is aware how hurt me. I just would like him to show that care.But if I cry,speak sofly or shout like crazy doesn't make any difference. Lots and lots of fights and no changing.we have a daughter together and I don't know what to do.Divorce is tragic and the situation now is bad too.

I finished reading the comments about men and dealing with cocontempt from their wives. What about wives who deal with cocontempt and hatred from their husband? I am in that type of relationship. for the life of me, I can't seem to get out either.
fear of the unknown most likely. how someone can say they love their spouse and treat them with so much disdain is beyond me. but I live it, everyday. I hate to go home after work because he's there. anyone else get the courage to leave these terrible relationships? I could really use some courage. I am in my early 50's and would like a chance of some happiness in my life.

What would happen if you were to tell your spouse (this is for dealing with contemptuous husbands or wives) that you are taking a vacation for a week from his tone of voice. Stay with a friend for a week. Would he get the point?

Another approach: Ask, in a loving way, what he has been feeling lately because he sounds to you unhappy. Maybe say he sounds so contemptuous and irritated all the time, you are thinking he might be depressed. ....

I have done these things, but to no avail. I'm afraid our 19 year old marriage has always been dysfunctional. I know he is angry and depressed but he will never ever admit it and will never ever get help for it. he's always an alcoholic and a mean one too boot. My 18 year old son has grown up with this and for that I take the blame. I only hope he doesn't repeat this horrid way of living when he grows up. It's like he's baiting me to leave first so he can play the victim. By the way, his family has no idea what is going on. we put on the façade if you will. my family and friends do know what is going on. they can only listen to me since I have to be the one to make a change. as in divorce. why can't I do this? I used to think I was strong, but am not any longer. it's a miserable existence.

A weeks vacation would work until retuning home again! These men don't change unless their wife leaves and then he will go through the honeymoon phase if she returns. It's called t
"The cycle of abuse"

i'm 30, one kid and after reading the first two comments am shocked to realize that all this time I am guilty of showing contempt to my husband of 7 yrs. like most here I am unhappy with my marriage, but wouldn't say it's ALL been bad. The only area that is really suffering is our intimacy (I don't desire him the way he would like and he equates that to I don't love him which just explodes into problems and robs my peace)
For the most part our marriage is ok, but I married him because I didn't want to be a single parent. He is a great partner, but I wasn't "passionately" in love with him. I am definitely the one in charge in the relationship but that's only because he isn't a native speaker and doesn't have much education. He is a hard worker and earns a good income, but the roles are definitely reversed in our home, (he does the house work). And I probably show contempt for all these reasons, but don't know how to "accept him" or change since I don't think there is anything wrong with me ( if that makes sense).
Like others here, we are people of faith and divorce would be tragic although it gets brought up every time. I feel helpless in the fact that I married for the wrong reasons and how I screwed up.

You are right to couple contempt (from one partner) with resentment (from the other). Both need to change.

Yes, for sure, if both partners become aware of their negative stances toward each other, both hopefully can look at where they learned to take these stances—which generally repeats something they observed between their parents. A conscious decision to switch from focusing on what-I-don't-like to what-I-appreciate in my partner can go a long way toward building a safe and loving partnership. Usually then, if both partners express genuine regret at their prior hurtful stance, both can forgive and forge ahead...

The only solution to a contemptuous marriage is divorce. Too many good people looking for a good person to share a life with and life's too short to waste with someone who's only good for stress. She spat at you...twice? And you're still there!?

It may be hard for someone who hasn't been there to comprehend, but if you would like to understand, it may help to read "Big Little Lies" by Liane Moriarty. Although it's fiction, it artfully captures the complexity of relationships and some of the many reasons why it can be so difficult to choose to leave, even when you know you will suffer for staying.

I'm afraid to even type this. My husband of 7 years, I feel, holds me emotionally hostage. If I withdraw and want to be alone, he intrudes and needs to talk to me until he gets satisfied with my answer (sometimes I lie to get him to go away). He however, falls asleep on the couch every night for 5 years now, sometimes doesn't even come to bed. I have 2 grown daughters who are out of the house, his we are still raising 50/50 with his ex another 6 years at least.
I love my family; I don't want to have another divorce. But the emotional manipulation game is too much. He was cheating on me the first 6 months of us dating; I found out and we worked it out on the surface, but deep down I have never forgiven him for such a deep mistrust. I am constantly being hit on by other men, which reminds me that I could have a better life and didn't deserve that treatment.
We play this cat and mouse game; one of us acts cold and distant to draw the other in. It works, then the resentment and anger set in, and ultimately a big fight. I just can't take it anymore.

I spent a lot of time in my former marriage on the receiving end of contempt. I still clearly remember many of the times my husband responded to my ideas or concerns with statements like "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard." The thing is, I never bought it. I know my feelings and thoughts aren't stupid.

So when he showed contempt for my valid feelings and thoughts, I developed a lot of contempt toward him. I was contemptuous of the way he felt entitled to verbally attack people when they did something that made him angry; then he turned around and did the very things that other people had done to make him angry. When confronted about this, he always blamed the other person. I saw him do this with friends, colleagues, myself (of course) and (tragically) my son ... and I felt contempt. I never said anything intentionally hurtful, but I did sometimes tell him directly when I was angry about his hipocrisy, and when he failed to change and constantly blamed other people, my anger became contempt, and I know it showed on my face and in my body language.

I know that my contempt hurt him, although that was not my purpose (I'm just not very good at hiding my emotions). I wanted to do whatever I could to make our marriage work. I loved being part of his family, and I loved the life we were building together. But while he was being unkind and insulting and simultaneously hippocritical, I couldn't seem to find any other emotional response, and while I can control my tongue, I couldn't completely keep my contempt from showing.

Now, I am taking care of my grandmother, and while things are not nearly as bad as they were with my husband, there have been several incidents where she has been verbally abusive. She is, naturally, frustrated by her increasing lack of independence, but she has turned her resentment toward me, even though I am the one helping her to stay in her home.

She has a long-standing, family-famous habit of embellishing the truth and sometimes outright inventing, and is very conscious of how others perceive her. I have a particular antipathy to dishonesty. I feel contempt for her dishonesty and for her habit of verbally attacking (and once even threatening to physically attack the dog) when she feels angry; then excusing herself because we "just have to understand" how difficult her situation is. Although again, I don't say anything, while she's in the middle of yelling and sometimes cussing at me, my face definitely shows my disgust with this type of behavior, especially coming from someone I would expect to treat me with kindness. She calls this disrespect, and I agree that it is, but I don't know how to feel differently.

My problem is that when confronted in close proximity with hipocrisy, dishonesty, and someone intentionally causing pain, I don't know another way to respond. Given enough distance, I can feel pain for the abuse that both my ex-husband and my grandmother suffered that led them to be the people they are now, but in the moment, while I'm the target of abuse, I can't conjur any emotion other than contempt myself.

I know that contempt is not productive, and I have had to battle it in other situations where it was clrealy not warranted ... but that I can manage because I see clear alternatives that I can learn, but I don't know how to do it in these difficult situations.

I don't know the answer but you've got a lot of insight and awareness around this, I could easily relate to your experience. I would like to know the answer too.
How do you in a moment of attack or abuse respond with the antidote which is gratitude or showing appreciation?
@Susan Heitler? I use to react right back, then I became apathetic, now I focus on not taking it personal and 'accepting' there isn't anything I can do regarding another persons choice to act like that. I think if you ask them to stop and they continue you're left dealing with it and respond as you've said.

I would verbally acknowledge to her that you can see that it is hard for her to lose her independence but she needs to respect your boundaries or be left to deal with it without your assistance that enables her to still live in her home. It sounds like she is justifying her behaviour on the grounds of her suffering. Which perpetuates and creates more pain for others (yourself).

It's probably best to respond from a place of truth, acknowledge that yes she is not in a good place, it's hard, but that doesn't justify poor behaviour. When in close proximity, state obvious behaviours like please stop being rude, when she is yelling put your hand up like stop it creates a distance between her verbal energy and yourself or walk out of the room. It might be hard because you do understand her suffering, you do respect her as your elderly but you need to respect yourself first. I do find it so bizarre when people criticise of abuse 'the help'! Like what is that?!

Recently I had to organise my daughters birthday party, I woke up really sick but pushed on, I asked my husband for help and he threw a fit, was moody ect. A couple of days later I brought it up and asked him why he behaved like that. His reply was that there was too much to do and it bothered him. I'm talking about packing things into a car to drive to another venue. I then asked him how responding the way he did 'helped' to improve that situation, in reality it made it worse. I chose to talk about it when he wasn't overwhelmed or stressed in the hope he would view it with more clarity. I have no doubt he will still act the same next time though : ( It's hard to function with people who are stuck in throwing fits and tantrums about the difficult, sometimes annoying things in life. People don't have a lot of skill with managing stress or difficult things.

When you are done helping her just shake it off, your generosity and kind acts surely overshadow your poor reactions?!

Alas, there definitely are negative people in the world who are unable or unwilling to be sensitive to others' feelings. What can you do in response?

My number one response is to exit the room. I do not stay and hear the rest of the message when someone is speaking in a contemptuous or angry voice to me. I use my legs and exit.

My number two response it to listen to the blaming comments they make about me in order to get insights about the speaker. What they accuse me of is what they themselves are doing, thinking, or feeling. Projection. It's the pot calling the kettle black. So listening helps me understand more clearly the person who is projecting on to me.

The third strategy I have is an expansion of the first. Life is too short to waste on these kinds of people. While that's hard to do if you are in a caretaker role like Annie describes, I would sure minimize the time I need to interact with someone who snips and snipes at me.

THE FRIEND
A guy I grew up with was driving around with me doing some holiday shopping. I told him about a song that, when not listened to carefully, actually sounded really racist.

"How funny would that music video be?" I asked.

"Well, make it," he said, but not in a way that was encouraging. His tone was very serious, as though I wasn't the type to ever take any action, and he was sick of it.

It reminded me of other exchanges we'd had that year, like when he discounted some career successes of mine, even saying that 1 wasn't really real.

I bought a house about the same time as him, and while his dad helped him buy one, and he has a trust fund, he felt like I'd gotten lucky in some way.

Then came a moment of clarity for me. I wrote him an email, sat on it, shortened it to about a 1/2 page, then sent. The email was basically, 'I haven't told you about some things because you've been a dick lately. However, I hate not telling you about great things going on in my life, so here goes......'

He was "taken back," by my message. He said he loved me very much, and then wrote about 2 pages of some very insulting things proceeded by the silent treatment, which, to me, is an incredible example of contempt - stating with inaction that the person is not worth your reply, even if to say, 'we will not be talking any longer.'

It's been quite a few years. My wife and other friends were thrilled he was gone, saying he was an arrogant ass, a fake businessman living off his dead grandfather's money, and just very boring.

I had no idea. Overall, though, I could see he just had zero respect for me, and it was shown in his farewell.

FAMILY MEMBER
More than one relative of mine has been unnecessarily unkind to my wife, but 1 has an obvious contempt for her.

The way it comes out is in an involuntary look of disgust on his face, or he'll just say something so careless in both tone and language.

Bart, I went through the very same as you did with your friend. Everything had to be his way, and as long as I was building him up all was fine. The one time I called him out on something and said we had to work on our friendship, I got an e-mail saying I was a martyr, and other put downs he never accused me of. It was also the last he ever wanted to hear from me. Best friend to enemy overnight.

When I looked up some of his behavior, I found out that he was a malignant narcissist. He is a text book narcissist. So is your friend. Knowing what I know now, I keep boundaries and see the red flags. Good Luck to you.

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