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11/12/08

First, you have to pass my test to see if you’re worthy of emailing me. Unless of course you’re just into me for my body, in which case you should show up at my place around sevenish tonight. Be sure to stretch first. (Scoring at the end)

QUESTION ONE: The celebrity I’ve been told I resemble the most is Adam Sandler. What celebrity do you resemble the most?

QUESTION TWO: After a few emails and a picture swap, I’ll probably invite you to meet me in a public place for an hour or so, to see if there’s chemistry before committing to a real date.

What are some things you would bring with you on such a meeting?

A. A toothbrush and a pair of handcuffsB. Adoption papers for your eight kidsC. A can of mace and a sniperD. A grenade

QUESTION THREE: About all I ask in a potential date is that she be smaller than I am. It just seems the natural order of things – I’m here to carry the heavy stuff and chase away other guys, and you’re there to look pretty and laugh at my jokes.

So, I’m 6', and as of this morning I weighed 190 pounds. I have a size 32 waist, and I wear a ‘large’, not extra large, t-shirt.

You are:

A. Half my sizeB. Three quarters my sizeC. Twice my sizeD. Able to smother me to death with a single meaty arm while simultaneously eating a bucket of fried chicken.

QUESTION FOUR: I was on a date last week. We talked over email for a few days, then met up at a nearby beach. I bought her dinner. She was cute, and she kept touching me. With reckless abandon, I leaned in for the first date kiss, which I never do. The kiss was nice. And as we leaned in for the second kiss, I moved my arm, intending to put a gentle hand on her neck and pull her closer. But she didn’t understand what I was trying to do, and when she saw my outstretched arm, she assumed I was going in for a boob grab, and pushed me away like I was on fire. I tried explaining, but the date was effectively over.

In a similar situation, you would:

A. Give me the benefit of the doubt and believe my intentions were pure.B. Be disappointed that I WASN’T going to grab your boobC. Grab my arm, twist it around, and put your knee in my backD. Scream “RAPE!”

QUESTION FIVE: If you can’t tell by now, I speak English and I write very well. Since our first communication will be via email (if you get up the guts to write me), then I think it’s important for us to both put our best foot forward.

In your first email to me, you will include:

A. A description of yourself, likes/dislikes, and a brief picture of your life.B. A list of recent sexual conquests, with footnotes and a bibliographyC. A copy of the most recent restraining order filed against youD. Six hundred pictures of your cat.