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Tuesday, May 20, 2014

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode one

aw-mah-gawd. What was ABC thinking making this show start at 930pm?! The only good thing about the late start time was that it meant we were only subjected to ninety minutes of this atrocity. Which sadly also meant they cut out all the clever little clip packages of the twenty-five contestants. I'll admit, this was kind of a bummer. I really wanted to the see the farmer farm, the golfer golf, and the snowboarder snowboard. But alas, we were not given a glimpse of these men's lives before they lost all their dignity and became contestants on The Bachelorette.
Instead, the episode begins with Chris Harrison warning us ahead of time that contestant Eric Hill died shortly after filming the show. Just like that, he reminds all of us that life is short and we are wasting precious minutes watching a woman with no personality talk about finding her husband. The scenes of Eric in this episode were very difficult to watch. I hate how seeing footage of someone who's passed away makes us feel all kinds of omniscient. I cannot imagine what it's like for his family. Okay, no more. It's just very tragic, especially since he seemed like the most thoughtful person on the show.

P.S. Before I move on, I will also not be saying anything bad about Chris Harrison this season. He showed up for a mutual friend during a very difficult time, proving he's one of the good guys. Harrison forever.

After Chris's piece about Eric, we are subjected to shots of Andi contemplating her life all while balancing a demanding career. There was a lot of obligatory footage of Andi "kicking ass" at her job. And by kicking ass, I mean she asked a judge (in a completely empty court room) if she could approach the bench AND then she drove through the streets of Atlanta (?) and looked through a broken down fence as part of some podunk investigation. This shit is more intense than True Detective. But then after ABC tries to make us love Andi "Objection" Dorfman and her high profile career...CUT TO

Andi packing up her office and putting away her diploma. Cause who needs a diploma or a career when you're looking for love? I'm pretty sure when Sheryl Sandberg wrote the book Lean In-- she didn't mean quit your job and lean into a bad reality TV show to date twenty-five douchebags who use words like "stoked". Andi "Cross Exam" Dorfman then goes over to her parent's house so she can formally apologize to them for all the money they paid for her to get a law degree when what she really wanted to do was be on a reality TV show. Oh wait. That's not why she's here? She's just showing up to talk to them about the show?

Side note: I still think it's really awesome that Andi's dad is named "Hy." Here's how I imagine their conversations go whenever she comes home:

Hy says that he really hopes when he meets the two final guys, Andi is 100% certain which one she wants to be with. Uh, has he seen the show? Did he read the fine print in her contract? She can't be a 100% certain because she never knew it was possible to have such strong feelings for two people!

We then get to watch Andi go to LA where she beams during a cheesy photo shoot. This sequence left me feeling mortified. The twinkle in her eye. That giant goofy grin on her face. The girl wanted to be famous for her entire life and now she thinks she is. This chick lawyered all of us. Let's not forget that when she knew Juan Pabst Blue Ribbon was going to send her home, she came up with a plan to rip him to shreds on camera and become a national hero. She worked us every step of the way and we fell for it.

Anyway, then Andi drives to her new place and her sister shows up to show moral support. We then have to watch her sister gush over two dresses that are both equally hideous. Andi's sister gives her a little pep talk about how strong and awesome she is-- and how proud she is of her for going on this show, blah blah. Wait. Is Andi going to Crimea to fight the Russians and support Ukraine? Is she getting on a one way flight to Nigeria to personally confront Boko Haram? Is she traveling to Syria to use chemical weapons against Assad? Cause that's the way her sis is making is sound. Bitch is gonna put on a sparkly dress and say hi to twenty-five guys, then drink a bunch of champagne, make small talk all night, and hand out some roses. Let's all get a grip.

I will say some of the men ended up being much better looking than their pictures. But unless Andi is really tall, the only men desperate enough to go on this show are shorties. 75% of the dudes were basically her height. Some additional thoughts:

Marcus: Hmmm. At first, I didn't think he was that hot, but he got better looking as the show went on. He kind of has an Aaron Rogers quality to him. Andi basically wanted to dry hump his penis the moment she laid eyes on him.

Chris the farmer: he has no upper lip and I find that disturbing.

JJ: Okay, so I picked him for the final four. I do find him attractive, but when he speaks it really becomes clear that he's super dorky. Plus, he says "have a good one" to Andi. And he's a pantspreneur.

MARQUEL: I was right about him. He's hot. But also surprisingly short.

Tasos: He surprised me the most. Based on his picture and his occupation as a wedding planner, I really didn't see him sticking around. But the whole lover's bridge thing he did with Andi "Closing Arguments" Dorfman was actually kind of sweet.

Steven: What was I thinking by choosing him to be in my final four? He actually tells Andi that he's stoked to be there. Please tell me he arrived in a phone booth and his friends Bill and Ted are waiting for him so they can all travel back to 1989 together.

Rudie: All I wrote about him was "dork." I think he's the other attorney?

Carl: Um, way hotter than his photo. As of right now, he's my fave. He's sort of a Ryan Gosling meets Jon Hamm, right?

Dylan: As of right now, I have no idea who he is but I think the music swelled when he got out of the limo because I wrote down "frontrunner."

Cody: Um, he was my pick for going home the first night. He's definitely WAY TOO beefcake for my taste, but he does seem to have some charisma so there could be hope for him.

Emil: Our poor helicopter pilot. He tells Andi "Miranda Rights" Dorfman that his name is pronounced like "anal with an M." Dude. Emil. Do me a huge favor. Start going by your middle name. Unless it's Amos. Cause then you'll just tell people Anus with an M.

Brett: He shows up with a lamp that he stole from his hotel room. Sigh. This is the exact kind of quirky random shit that I would eat right up.

Craig: He's really nerdy and I'm a 1000% certain he's gay.

Ron: He's the guy from Israel and Barbados. At first I thought he was really hot, but he was a little too stiff and intense overall. It could go either way for Ron. Most racially ambiguous contestants leave after about four episodes, but Catherine went all the way on Sean's season so who knows.

Bradley: the opera singer. Uh, can we just introduce this guy to Sharleen and they can have crazy opera sex where they out-sing each other during orgasms?

Josh B: I wrote "cute." Is he the guy that loses his shit a little bit when he doesn't get a rose at the end?

Nick: Wow. Just like Tasos, this guy really surprised me. He's nearly bald, but the man had swagger. I actually found myself attracted to him.

Brian: the high school basketball coach. Based on the way he was blushing when he talked to Andi "Habeas Corpus" Dorfman, he also hasn't been laid since high school.

Andrew: He's kind of cute, but also super gay.

Mike: He's maybe the least charismatic bartender I've ever seen in my life.

Eric: Sigh. I can't. Too sad. The dolls he gave her... It should have been Cody.

Josh M.: Whoa. She's really into this guy. You can just tell as soon as he gets out of the limo. And he lives in Atlanta. Game over.

And that's most of the guys. As far as the highlights go from the cocktail party-- honestly, it was all fairly uneventful. At one point, Andi's talking to Josh M and you can tell these two have good banter, but then she says in an interview that he's exactly her type, but maybe her type is going to change CUT TO

The black guy! I mean, come on ABC. Can you be slightly less blatant about your racism? I still have high hopes for Marquel though. The whole cookie tasting was a little odd. But then he broke out the black and white cookie and proved that he can be playful one minute and super smooth the next. He's high on my list. Come on Andi, take the man to the fantasy suite.

LITERALLY the only other interesting thing that happened during cocktail hour was that Polish Chris from Emily Maynard's season showed up to meet Andi "Mistrial" Dorfman. But guys, the man didn't even get past the driveway. I'm not joking. He was stopped by security and they confiscated the bouquet of roses he brought Andi. One of the producers gets Chris Harrison and he comes out to to talk to Polish Chris who says he desperately wants to talk to Andi. We learn that he's been in LA for seven days on his own dime, because he didn't know when the show was filming.

Guys, do you realize what this means? For the last seven nights, he was probably showing up in a suit with a bouquet of roses. Chris Harrison says he'll go talk to Andi "leading the witness" Dorfman and since she has a rep to protect as a female crusader, she says she doesn't want to talk to Chris because it would be MEAN to all the other guys (who she hardly knows at this point, I might add). Chris then has to tell Chris that he has GOT TO GO. The whole thing is cringe-worthy, but also very confusing. Why couldn't Polish put in a call to the producers? Why did he have to go all vigilante? This makes me think that he tried to take that route, but the producers were like "no thanks." Holy crap. The guy is actually TOO douchey to be on The Bachelorette. Personally, they totally should have let him into the house. The episode was basically a snooze fest and this would have helped shake things up. Big mistake, ABC. Huge. I mean, what if he was Andi's husband?!

To add salt to the wound, Andi is later seen drooling all over Hot Marcus who is also Polish. The best part of their interaction is that Marcus speaks Polish and German in the scene-- both times, in each language, he says he can't speak Polish or German. Andi's reaction? She keeps telling him how worldly he is. Uh, what? That's like me saying "No hablo espanol" and someone saying "wow! You are SO cultured."

Even the first impression rose was anti-climactic. Andi "We Find the Defendant Guilty" Dorfman decides to give it to Nick V. He's the sweet/shy/dorky type sporting the polka dot tie. I have to say, I was surprised by her choice. Nick V was cuter than his picture, but I'm not sure why she was so into him. I mean, the man has ten brothers and sisters. Who the heck would want that many in-laws? I guess us ladies are suckers for the insecure types, because later he even says that maybe she gave him the rose because she felt sorry for him. Come on Nick V, man the fuck up.

No one faints or vomits at the rose ceremony, so like the rest of the show it was a major let down. Shockingly, Cody does get a rose but Mike the bartender, Rudie the lawyer, and Josh B all get sent home. Josh B was a sad loss because he was cute and in his exit interview he summed up the show perfectly when he called it "embarrassing as fuck."

Some final observations I'll leave you with. That Suave commercial with Des was the worst thing I've ever seen. She's either a really terrible actress or she just can't emote because she's still heartbroken over Brooks and trying to force herself to love Chris.

Andi's eyebrows. Why are they so skinny and straight and dark? Are they made out of felt?

Finally, do you guys ever remember Andi saying "y'all" on Juan Pablo's season?! Bitch must have said it 473 times in one episode. Someone needs to let her know she is NO Tami Taylor.

Okay, it's 12:55am and I need some sleep. I apologize if this recap lacked the sharp humor you're all used to BUT that's what happens when ABC doesn't start the show till 9-fucking-thirty, y'all.

about the blow off

We've all been blown off, we've all blown someone off. Share your story: the blow off texts, emails, voice mail messages you've either sent or received to mark the end of a relationship. And if the blow off consisted of a disappearing act, post a missing person's report. Or just read stories about break ups in general.