Image description:

A comic. There are four panels, each showing the same thing: a girl and an alien looking at a widescreen tv. They are sitting on a sofa in a room with pink stripy wallpaper, and are viewed from the back. On the tv screen we see a man’s head and shoulders with the word ‘NEWS’.
_____Panel 1_____
GIRL: What is this guy talking about? It doesn’t even make sense.
ALIEN: Indeed, in the 2 minutes and 48 seconds we’ve been watching this program, I’ve noted three obvious falsehoods and five logical contradictions.
_____Panel 2_____
GIRL: He seems so sincere, but how can anyone believe this stuff?
ALIEN: He seems very confident and happy in himself. Is he famous among humans?
_____Panel 3_____
GIRL: Yeah, I think he’s a politician or something like that, I’ve definitely seen him on tv before.
ALIEN: Well that explains it then. Believing this stuff has worked out very well for him. It has brought him fame and admiration from his fellow three dimensional sentient beings. Why would he ever stop?
_____Panel 4_____
GIRL: But it DOESN’T MAKE SENSE!
ALIEN: Agreed.
GIRL: People are supposed to believe things based on evidence and logic!
ALIEN: Ideally yes, but sometimes other factors enter into it.

Welcome to the Fantastic Realm, where everything you imagine becomes real! Here your thoughts and dreams, and even your hopes and fears, can influence the external reality! Which, um… isn’t all that different from how things work in the human world, come to think of it.

But we have Balloon Cats! How great is that? You should come visit sometime, we get lots of humans like you coming here for a little vacation. Actually, no offense, but some of the stuff you humans think up is pretty horrible. Like that thing last week, ugh. Just… ugh. But we don’t mind! After you go the Reality Re-equilibrator cleans the whole thing up, no mess, no fuss.

Sometimes I worry about you humans in your human world. You know, thoughts in the wild can be very dangerous. And it seems like you humans just go around thinking things without even, you know, thinking about it? So I was wondering if maybe you need somewhere to practice. Here you can think up thoughts and watch them evolve. You can try them out without risking any permanent damage.

So, when you asked me to help you with your research into Earth culture, this isn’t what I expected.

Oh? What did you expect?

I don’t know, I guess I would have thought you’d be doing experiments on human bodies or something. Not that you’d – I mean, not on dead bodies, I know you wouldn’t – or, I guess doing experiments on live ones would be even worse – the point I’m trying to make is, I’m sure all your experiments are 100% ethical. I hope I didn’t offend you just now. Um, sorry if I did.

It’s fine, don’t worry about it.

It’s just, walking to the park to look at clouds? It doesn’t sound very scientific. It kinda sounds more like a date, actually. Are you trying to date me? Because I think you’re really great and all, but I just don’t feel that way about you.

Noted.

OK. But lots of planets have clouds, right? Clouds aren’t just an Earth thing. So why are clouds part of your Earth research?

It’s not so much the clouds themselves, as how you humans see them.

Well how do YOU see them? I guess since you just have one eye, you can’t see depth, right?

What do you mean? I see plenty of depth, but what does that have to do with – oh, I think I understand what you’re saying. But… well, I do have one eye, I suppose, but I don’t see with it.

You can’t see?

I have other sense organs. But the eye is mostly cosmetic.

You mean it’s fake? You have a fake eye?

I wouldn’t say it’s fake – my eye serves a function, it facilitates my social interactions with humans here on Earth. Research shows that humans find it much easier to relate to an unknown being if that being has eyes, or even just one eye; it lets them know where they should look when they’re talking to you. And I’ve got to look like something. I could just manifest myself on this planet as an invisible energy flow, but then how would you talk to me?

You mean, your whole body is fake. This isn’t even your real body.

It’s real, and it’s a body, and it’s mine; but no, this isn’t how I usually look. The way I look when I’m at home is impossible to describe in your language.

Why did you decide to have tentacles and one big eye?

Why not?

What do you mean why not?

I think I look good.

You do! You do, I’m not arguing with that. It’s just, why didn’t you just make yourself look like a human? Then you wouldn’t have to deal with people freaking out because you’re, I mean, because you don’t look normal.

People would freak out quite a lot more, actually – it turns out that people find a weird-looking alien significantly less terrifying than a perfectly human-looking alien. I wouldn’t manage to successfully mimic human behaviours, and people around me would suspect that I was some sort of sinister alien spy or something like that.

That makes sense, I guess. Why don’t you make yourself look like a 12-foot-tall lizard? Because that would be kind of cool.

Lizards are perceived as untrustworthy and lacking in emotional warmth. Also humans react best to beings of a size somewhat smaller than their own; smaller is perceived as less threatening. Roughly a third to a half of human size is considered ideal.

OK, but what if you wanted to be able to shoot lasers out of your eyes – could you?

Why would I ever want to do that?

But could you? Oh my god, could you make me be able to shoot lasers out of my eyes?

Is that a hypothetical question?

I want pink lasers. That shoot out of my eyes. Hot pink, not princess pink. Please?

That would be terrible. It would be like wearing coloured glasses all the time, but even more annoying. It would be distracting for you and for those around you, and it would undoubtedly damage your vision.

Could you just make me have laser eyes for one day?

Hypothetically could I do that? Yes. Will I? No.

You’re no fun.

I’m not here to amuse you. I’m here to gather information about Earth civilization and culture.

Half a day?

No.

Will you take me up for a ride in your ship then? To make up for not giving me laser eyes even though I really really want them?

No.

Do you really think I’m still going to help you with your stupid research?

That was two weeks ago. If you want to participate in Earth festivals you have to do it on the right day you know, that’s kind of the whole point.

I did do it on the right day, October 31, or at least I tried to, but it didn’t work.

What didn’t work? Did you… oh no. Did you go trick or treating?

No.

Good! Good. Because trick or treating is just for children. Human children.

I know that! I just stayed at home and waited for the children to trick or treat me.

That… sounds appropriate, actually. What happened?

Kids came to my door and said trick or treat, and I said: there’s no treats here, so I guess you’ll just have to trick me! But they didn’t. They just stared at me and then they went away.

Oh my god, why would you do that?

You’re the one who told me how it works! On Halloween kids come to your house and either you give them a treat or they play at trick on you. I’d been looking forward to the trick all day, you know, wondering what it would be. Imagine my disappointment when it turned out to be nothing at all! I didn’t do anything wrong, it’s those kids who failed to follow procedure.

How old were these kids?

I don’t know. How would I know how old human kids are?

How tall were they?

About a meter.

You’re a terrible person. And you’re banned from participating in any more Earth cultural traditions. As of now. I’m banning you.

Me?! What did I do wrong?

You’re supposed to give the kids candy, wish them a happy Halloween and that’s it! Or if you don’t want to hand out treats you should just leave your lights off and not answer the door. The kids aren’t expected to actually play a trick on you.

But you said…

I know what I said, but it’s not meant to be interpreted so literally!

You lied to me! You lied to me about trick or treating.

I didn’t lie, sheesh. Trick or treating is a tradition, it’s like a story. You need to know the story to understand what Halloween is all about, but not all of it is supposed to be literally true, there are layers of reality that you have to be able to navigate.

Layers of reality? That doesn’t make any sense at all, what are you even talking about?

Oh my god, just, can you please stay away from human cultural stuff from now on? You’re not qualified to do this stuff on your own.

Fine.

I mean it! Don’t even think about doing anything Christmas-y without proper supervision.

You mean, proper supervision by someone like you? Aw. If you wanted us to spend Christmas together, you could have just said.

Um… first, it’s “be”, not “do”, the phrase is “be my Valentine”. And second, it’s October. The next holiday coming up is Halloween, not Valentine’s Day.

Well, will you? I one or two you!

You… what?

I number-less-than-three you! It’s how humans express love for each-other.

That’s… it’s great that you’re taking an interest in Earth culture, but I think you have missed some of the, um, nuances.

Are you trying to change the subject? Because I’m not done talking about how I <3 <3 <3 you.

No, just, you know how Earth computers have keyboards on them? And… well, there's this thing called "typography", and there's this other thing called a "heart" which is actually a pretty gross body part but which some humans believe to be the seat of emotions, and, well, to be honest it's sort of hard to explain.

You don't have to explain. You are so great, I wanna Valentine you all the way past zero and into negative integers! -1, -2, -3…