Expedition Day Five: Send Reinforcements (or Alcohol)

I reinstalled Bumble, added Hinge to my repertoire, and at five days in, I’m already feeling decidedly “meh” about all of it. Coupled with an Office Space-caliber case of the Mondays and intermittent rain clouds, my malaise had me moping around on self-pity island for the better part of the day. After I sent a few maudlin texts, The Voyeur kindly invited me to drinks after work.

If there’s one thing that a weary unicorn-hunter like myself needs in times of desperation, it’s copious amounts of alcohol on a Monday night. Seriously, though, it was nice to get out on a weeknight and sit with someone who can relate to the struggle of being terminally undateable (naysayers, I hear you, but I’m choosing to believe this, as all roads have led me here). I don’t even have to explain it to him — he gets it because he lives it, too. The circus of our respective personal lives is insurmountable for mere mortal daters. We both need unicorns, and sadly, Bumble and Hinge (and Tinder and Zoosk and The League…sigh) have yet to deliver.

Perhaps I should take The Leo‘s parting advice: “You can’t find love. Love finds you. And you try to enjoy the ride until it does.” Well, yeah, ok. I guess that’s all fine and good if you happen to not have a divorce and four kids under your belt and are content to never be in more than a casual relationship. Or I could just raise my standards and carry on with my quest, despite its low chance of success. Am I being a Negative Nancy? Why, yes. Yes, I am. I’m also not drinking today, so forgive any unmitigated cynicism.

Brief sidebar: I just had a match tell me he thought I might be out of his league. What the hell is this? A compliment? An insight into his low self-esteem? I don’t know what to do with that kind of statement, so I tell him I don’t really believe in leagues (winky face emoji). I totally do, though! If leagues are based on a 1-10 scale of objective hotness (let’s pretend that there is such a thing), and you can feasibly date anyone within one point of yourself without raising the attention of the herd, then I’d guess that this guy and me are going to be just fine. Do I occasionally swipe right on someone who’s a 9? Yes, but always with the assumption that he’ll be dull as hell or bad in bed because it’s a simple truth that you can’t be all the things. If you’ve been blessed with hotness, sacrifices must be made in other areas. All women instinctively know this.