Dating Advice #64 - Spiritual Chasm

She's leaning toward traditional Jewish practice. He's an atheist. Is there hope for them together?

I have been dating a guy for six months. I am 40 and he is 42. I have never been married, he is divorced with no kids. Our dating has progressed swimmingly so far. We are both attracted and compatible in nearly every way. My family adores him and his family adores me.

We are both Jewish. However, Judaism is a lot more important to me than it is to him. He considers himself an atheist, although he was not raised that way. I am not observing much right now (don't keep Shabbat or kosher, though I do have a kosher kitchen), but I have in the past and hope to again in the future, especially when I have a family. Pretty early on, I knew that this could be an issue with us, but it just didn't seem so important back then.

Now that we've passed six months, I am pretty antsy about getting engaged. I'm feeling pressure from friends and family, but mostly from myself. We've started to talk about it. To my dismay he said that he does not want to raise our (potential) children as Jewish. There is no way I could ever agree to this!

I'm not sure how to proceed. I think that at my age, if I do have a child, it will be a miracle -- one that I would certainly thank God for. I am willing to compromise and raise the child with less Judaism than I'd like to, but if he wants to raise the child with nothing, that leaves no room for compromise.

Maybe we should plan not to have children, or just deal with this if and when it comes up. Or maybe we should part ways now, even though our courtship has been going great. Or maybe I should encourage him to read and take classes and try to keep an open mind.

Julia

Dear Julia,

A subject as important as the role that Judaism, or any religion, will play in family life is something that everyone contemplating marriage should discuss at length before their engagement. This is especially true in your case, when you and this man have very different outlooks and expectations. Delaying a difficult discussion only delays the inevitable, and often creates more problems than would occur if the issue were discussed and resolved at an earlier time. Similarly, if you continue to avoid this difficult topic and suppress your spirituality in order to avoid confrontation, you'll end up resentful and angry, and that will have a deleterious effect on your marriage and family life.

Raising children would also be very complicated and a source of strain on the relationship. How can one parent ask the kids not to eat cheeseburgers (for example) while the other parent is eating cheeseburgers?! I can just hear the less religious partner saying, "Leave them alone, dear. What's the difference, as long as they're enjoying themselves."

Children raised in homes where the parents do not share the same beliefs are going to be confused no matter how careful you are in raising them.

We recommend that the two of you have a frank discussion about your spiritual beliefs, and expectations of the role you would like Judaism to play in your home. You can talk about compromises each of you is willing to make, and try to come to a solution that satisfies you both. Working out an acceptable arrangement about such an important area of your lives, and about which you both have very different outlooks, will set the tone for how you both can successfully resolve future points of disagreement in your marriage.

We have seen these challenges work out in several couples who have different views on Judaism and religious observance, although there are many couples who are unable to reach an acceptable arrangement. Husbands and wives who succeed in synthesizing their diverse outlooks have two things in common:

They respect each other's point of view and convey this respect to their children, family members and friends.

The agreement about the role Judaism plays in their home does not require the more observant or Jewishly-connected partner to lessen his/her level of observance or commitment. The reason for this is that spiritual yearnings are not easily contained, and if one partner is trying to suppress the spiritual yearnings of the other, it will ultimately backfire.

When the two of you have this important discussion, please bear in mind the following: You can't go into a marriage hoping that you will be able to change anyone's basic beliefs. It isn't realistic for you, and it isn't fair to him. As much as we would like to see him change his attitude toward God and our faith, this isn't something you have the right to expect from him.

It is good, however, to ask him to keep an open mind. Successful marriages require partners who are open-minded, and who are capable of growing and changing. This man may change his outlook, as many people do over time, and your own spirituality may help influence him in this regard. However, these changes will have to come from the heart -- his heart.

It would certainly help to expose him to good Jewish role models. Rabbis can inspire, but your friend can never imagine fitting that model. Even more important role models are successful, intelligent laypeople -- who are also very Jewishly committed.

Also, give your friend a chance to see how your observance and learning directly increases your appreciation, respect and affection for him. In other words, do something really nice, and then when he thanks you, explain how you were inspired by having heard a certain Torah lesson. Once he sees the correlation, and how your Jewish involvement is "good for him" in a practical everyday sense, then he is bound to be more encouraging and interested himself.

If the man you're dating is willing to learn more about Judaism, we suggest that he consider reading an autobiography tracing one man's personal odyssey of alienation from Judaism to Jewish commitment: "From Central Park to Sinai: How I Found My Jewish Soul," by Yisrael Neuberger.

Another good way to jump-start the Jewish engine is by attending a Discovery seminar -- email discovery.usa@aish.com, or online at: http://www.discoveryproduction.com. Discovery has inspired many people to seek answers to their own spiritual questions by taking a closer look at their own Jewish faith. We hope it has a similar effect on your friend.

About the Author

Questions for Rosie & Sherry can be sent to datingmaze@aish.com. Due to the large volume of questions received, they are unable to answer each one.

Rosie Einhorn (a psychotherapist) and Sherry Zimmerman (a psychotherapist and former family lawyer) are the authors of the newly-released book, Dating Smart – Navigating the Path to Marriage, published by Menucha Publishers. They are the founders of Sasson V'Simcha (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com), a non- profit organization that provides programs and services in North America, Israel, and Europe to help Jewish singles and the people who care about them.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 1

(1)
Anonymous,
June 27, 2003 12:00 AM

Don't marry him

I was in a similar situation. I became religious 8 months after engagement and a year before the wedding. As hard as I tried, my fiancee and I couldn't see eye to eye. I resented her for not sharing my beliefs and values; she resented me for changing into a different person. We decided to go through with the wedding (we were in our early 20's and so naive). It didn't work out. Thank G-d no children were brought into this mess. The last thing this world needs is another child with divorced parents who hold opposing views and beliefs.

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Since honey is produced by bees, and bees are not a kosher species, how can honey be kosher?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Talmud (Bechoros 7b) asks your very question! The Talmud bases this question on the principle that “whatever comes from a non-kosher species is non-kosher, and that which comes from something kosher is kosher.”

So why is bee-honey kosher? Because even though bees bring the nectar into their bodies, the resultant honey is not a 'product' of their bodies. It is stored and broken down in their bodies, but not produced there. (see Shulchan Aruch Y.D. 81:8)

By the way, the Torah (in several places such as Exodus 13:5) praises the Land of Israel as "flowing with milk and honey." But it may surprise you to know that the honey mentioned in the verse is actually referring to date and fig honey (see Rashi there)!

In 1809, a group of 70 disciples of the great Lithuanian sage the Vilna Gaon, arrived in Israel, after traveling via Turkey by horse and wagon. The Vilna Gaon set out for the Holy Land in 1783, but for unknown reasons did not attain his goal. However he inspired his disciples to make the move, and they became pioneers of modern settlement in Israel. (A large contingent of chassidic Jews arrived in Tzfat around the same time.) The leader of the 1809 group, Rabbi Israel of Shklov, settled in Tzfat, and six years later moved to Jerusalem where he founded the modern Ashkenazic community. The early years were fraught with Arab attacks, earthquakes, and a cholera epidemic. Rabbi Israel authored, Pe'at Hashulchan, a digest of the Jewish agricultural laws relating to the Land of Israel. (He had to rewrite the book after the first manuscript was destroyed in a fire.) The location of his grave remained unknown until it was discovered in Tiberias, 125 years after his death. Today, the descendants of that original group are amongst the most prominent families in Jerusalem.

When you experience joy, you feel good because your magnificent brain produces hormones called endorphins. These self-produced chemicals give you happy and joyful feelings.

Research on these biochemicals has proven that the brain-produced hormones enter your blood stream even if you just act joyful, not only when you really are happy. Although the joyful experience is totally imaginary and you know that it didn’t actually happen, when you speak and act as if that imaginary experience did happen, you get a dose of endorphins.

These chemicals are naturally produced by your brain. They are totally free and entirely healthy.

Many people find that this knowledge inspires them to create more joyful moments. It’s not just an abstract idea, but a physical reality.

Occasionally, when I walk into an office, the receptionist greets me rudely. Granted, I came to see someone else, and a receptionist's disposition is immaterial to me. Yet, an unpleasant reception may cast a pall.

A smile costs nothing. Greeting someone with a smile even when one does not feel like smiling is not duplicity. It is simply providing a pleasant atmosphere, such as we might do with flowers or attractive pictures.

As a rule, "How are you?" is not a question to which we expect an answer. However, when someone with whom I have some kind of relationship poses this question, I may respond, "Not all that great. Would you like to listen?" We may then spend a few minutes, in which I unburden myself and invariably begin to feel better. This favor is usually reciprocated, and we are both thus beneficiaries of free psychotherapy.

This, too, complies with the Talmudic requirement to greet a person in a pleasant manner. An exchange of feelings that can alleviate someone's emotional stress is even more pleasant than an exchange of smiles.

It takes so little effort to be a real mentsch.

Today I shall...

try to greet everyone in a pleasant manner, and where appropriate offer a listening ear.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...