Thursday, April 4, 2002 Edition: #2268Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three rights make a left.

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:TONIGHT the 3rd annual “Canadian Comedy Awards” will be handed out, but will not be televised due to the lack of a major sponsor . . . Over 2 million Canadians watched CBC-TV’s “Trudeau” miniseries (let’s hope they don’t attempt the sequel “Mulroney”) . . . Celine Dion admits that 14-month-old son Rene Charles cries when she sings (hey RC, join the club) . . . It is UNTRUE that the movie “Panic Room” is set in Yasser Arafat’s office . . . Former “NYPD Blue” star David Caruso (who left the show for a failed movie career) will star in a CBS-TV spin-off of the hit show “CSI: Crime Scene Investigation” to be called “CSI: Miami” (evidence will show this lame idea is dead in the water) . . . Britney Spears claims “On average I guess I do 500 sit-ups a session, but if you catch me on a good day then I can do up to 1,000” . . . It is UNTRUE that a new version of “Survivor” for kids will be called “Altar Boy” . . . J-Lo tells “Cosmopolitan” the best smoocher she ever kissed in the movies was Sean Penn, in 1997’s “U Turn” . . . It is UNTRUE that Madonna and George Michael got into an argument in a UK recording studio about who has slept with the most men . . . Jon Bon Jovi says he was booted off “Ally McBeal” because he refused to walk down the aisle with Calista Flockhart’s character ‘Ally’ . . . Liam Gallagher of Oasis says there’s ‘no danger or anger’ in rock ‘n’ roll anymore . . . Meantime, producer Dr Dre says Eminem’s upcoming new album will be just as ‘shocking’ as the previous two . . . And FOX-TV is planning a 2-hour “Baywatch” reunion movie for the NOVEMBER TV sweeps (the first TV show to feature orthopedic bikinis).

MOVIES IN THE WORKS:“Blade II” star Wesley Snipes will next do another action movie, a modern-day biker film called “When The Ride Is Ruff” . . . Woody Allen’s as-yet-untitled new film will revolve around 3 young people played by “SNL’s” Jimmy Fallon, Jason Biggs & Christina Ricci, and features a supporting cast that includes Glenn Close and Danny DeVito . . . Will Smith will produce and potentially star in a remake of “Uptown Saturday Night”, a remake of the 1974 comedy that starred Sidney Poitier and Bill Cosby as buddies who go uptown to chase the crooks who stole their winning lottery ticket . . .

ETIQUETTE EMERGENCY:Highlights from a new Public Agenda research group poll on rudeness —
• 79% of respondents think lack of respect and courtesy are now a serious problem.
• 61% believe manners have gotten worse in recent years.
• About half say they often see people talking on cell phones in a loud or annoying manner.
• 60% say they regularly see other people driving aggressively or recklessly.
• More than a third admit that they themselves use foul language in public.
• About 50% say they have walked out of a store in the past year due to poor customer service.

SING-ALONG SYSTEM:Karaoke sound system maker Taito Corp is introducing a new technology that adjusts sing-along music automatically to the pitch and tempo best-suited to each individual singer, which should help karaoke singers stay in tune. The company says the next step will be to use ‘pitch-correction’ technology to reconfigure a singer’s errant tones to the proper pitch without otherwise altering the sound. (How about a technology that automatically zaps 220 volts through the mike when it detects crowd booing?)REASONS KARAOKE IS BETTER THAN SEX:• There’s always someone worse than you are.
• When you drink too much you’re actually better at karaoke.
• The size of your microphone doesn’t matter.
• It’s OK to sing karaoke with your sister.
• No one complains about a 3-minute karaoke performance.

SPAM ATTACK:You may soon notice less ‘spam’ in your e-mail thanks to a coordinated effort by the US Federal Trade Commission, Canada’s Competition Bureau and several US state and Canadian provincial governments. The joint endeavor involves legal action in dozens of cases of ‘deceptive advertising’ and the issuing of warnings to hundreds more.

WEIRD WORLD OF BS:• A 56-year-old man from Seaford, Australia is waging a legal battle to keep the name he adopted in 1997 and has used ever since on his driver’s licence, bank account and medical records. Australia’s passport office is now refusing to issue a document with the name on it – ‘Prime Minister John Piss the Family Court and Legal Aid’. (Gee, can’t see what the problem could be here.)
• In a Northern Province village of South Africa where many have died of AIDS, boys have turned to a bizarre and desperate measure to avoid getting the disease — bestiality with goats. (“I’ll be back for supper, mom. Me and Billy are just goin’ out to play.”)
• A priest in Spain has invented a device that blocks cell phones from ringing inside the church. (Oh no, now kids can’t call for help!)
• Garbage trucks in the south Taiwan city of Tainan will soon broadcast English lessons from loudspeakers to educate citizens as they haul away the trash. (Lesson 1 – “Quit putting used diapers in with the recyclables, you freakin’ losers!”)
• Mayor Koleen Brooks of Georgetown CO has been thrown out of office mid-term after being accused of ‘mishandling her job’. The former stripper has lost a recall vote after allegedly flashing her breasts in a bar and ordering a hit on a police officer.
• British office worker John Carey has turned to hypnosis therapy in an attempt to break his expensive habit — chewing pens. The corporate financier begins munching on pens whenever he gets stressed and has escalated to 50 pens a week, a compulsive habit that’s costing him $70 a month now that his employer refuses to supply any more free ones. (Oh sure, at first the BICs were free – now they’re costing him big time!)
• Hard to believe, but the big thing in liberated Afghanistan right now is — disco music. (So we’ve brought them out of the 13th century, but only up to 1978.)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .TODAY is “Tell-A-Lie Day”, a good day to ask listeners to add to the list of ‘World’s Greatest Lies’ –
• This computer program is fully tested and bug-free.
• You get this one, I’ll buy next time.
• Trust me, I’ll take care of everything.
• Of course I love you.
• Drinking? Why no, officer.
• It’s not the money, it’s the principle of the thing.
• Don’t worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge says ‘empty’.
• I gave at the office.
• Don’t worry, he’s never bitten anyone.
• I’ll call you later.
• As long as you remember to ‘SAVE’ your input, you’ll never lose any computer files.
• I’ve never done anything like this before.
• Then take a left. You can’t miss it.
• It was good for me, too.

TODAY is “Ballroom Dancing Day”, honoring what could be the next new Olympic sport. (Imagine the judging scandals then!)

AND REMEMBER . . .[Fri] Alcohol Free Weekend
[Fri] National Equal Pay Day
[Fri] Fun At Work Day
[Sat] Plan Your Epitaph Day
[Sun] Daylight Saving Time begins
[Sun] Tartan Day
[Sun] No Housework Day
[Sun] World Health Day
[Sun] Check Your Batteries Day
Publicity Stunt Week
National Birth Parents Week
National Poetry Month
Promise to Keep It A Safe Prom Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS STUFF TO DO WHILE STUCK IN TRAFFIC:
• Play the exciting new car game ‘Does My Head Fit In The Glove Compartment?’
• Roll down window, ask person next to you, “Is this the line for McCartney tickets?”
• Use jumper cables to resuscitate roadkill.
• Call police, report stolen car, give license plate of car in front of you.
• Honk your horn — that always helps get things moving.

BS PHONE STARTER:“Should the cost of improving your health be tax deductible?” (In the US, the IRS has announced it will now allow a tax deduction for weight loss expenses. How about smoking cessation programs, too?)

$1000 NAME:Jason Curiel of Corpus Christi TX thought his wife was kidding last year when she suggested they call their new son ESPN (pronounced ‘Espen’), but the couple loves sports so they went ahead and named the lad for the sports network. So, wouldn’t it be worth a grand to have babies named after your station call letters? It sure would generate word-of-mouth!

FACT OR CRAP?Two of the following are facts, one is total BS. But which one?
1. Some of the more fashionable ancient Romans wore transparent togas.
2. Ancient Rome had rent-a-chariot businesses.
3. Julius Caesar had 3 nipples. (BS)

BS Q & A:Q: The first 2 letters of the Greek alphabet are ‘alpha’ and ‘beta’. Then what?
A: Gamma.
Source: “Trivia Quest”

BS TAG LINE:Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund.