Saturday, March 12, 2016

I just read the two most recent posts about going on a hiatus and reviewing 2013. I'm glad I did, because this post was originally going to sound a lot like "2014." If there is anything I learned from 2015, it's that we can't afford to look back anymore. What's done is done. The decisions we made are made. All we can do about them now is live with the consequences and prepare ourselves for future decisions.

But for the family newsletter sake of this blog, I will quickly recap what has happened since said last posts:

We moved from paradise to the wild frontier

We lived under the home of yet another family member

My mister had a $9/hr job for 6 months before being able to land a decent job that had career potential

I applied to be a Hot Hula fitness instructor and ended up being a Group Kick/Group Fight and dance fitness instructor

We bought a house

We had a miscarriage

We got pregnant again

My mister took on a 3rd job (4, if you count the ARNG)

The kids and I traveled by plane a lot... and got stuck in various airports around the western U.S. almost every time we flew

My mom got cancer

Siblings from both sides moved in with us

My 3-year-old son and I joined a preschool co-op

I got C. Diff. right after my 2nd C-section

Our eldest got diagnosed with severe ADHD

I pulled her out of school to homeschool her

My brother-in-law died

We kicked people out of our house

My mister went back to (online) school

He also signed up for a business opportunity

We crashed our family car

We bought a new family car and are back in debt

I have depression (only slightly related to postpartum depression)

And I'm pretty sure I'm missing things in the mix. Overall, 2014 was a year of starting anew, and 2015 was jam packed with joys and sorrows. My prayers at the end of 2015 were to not let 2016 be like 2015 -- aside from the home that we live in and our beautiful child #5 entering the world, 2015 was a struggle like no other. And so far, 2016 has proven to be even worse.

It's like the universe is saying to me, "Prepare yourself. This is not over." The world around me has been sadness these first 3 months. Nothing but hurt and sorrow. I had never tried so hard to find the most comfortable rock I could live under for the rest of my life. Hope is very scarce to come by nowadays. My faith has been tested, undeniably. The end is not in sight. Not anywhere.

Please tell me that I'm not the only one whose life totally sucks.

Well, not totally.

As I'm writing this, my #4 is unconscious and sprawled across my lap, my 3-month-old #5 spread out on the couch next to me, and it's 6 o'clock in the morning. Motherhood and constant worrying have taken the morning person out of me, but seeing the beginnings of the sunrise peek in through the blinds is refreshing. Hearing the clock tick its early tocks brings me out of my mental slumber. And although hope is scarce, it's still there. I know that I never not have something to live for. A husband who kisses me every morning. Little souls who say "good morning, Mom," all the time. Siblings, parents, family and friends who are silently and distantly rooting me on. Hope is still there.