She was breastfeeding her daughter when he grabbed her by the neck and threw her out of the chair she'd been sitting in. She hit the floor hard.

More than a dozen years later, it's still a moment Tabita Enciu recalls vividly.

She didn't brace herself against the fall. Instead, she cradled her 3-week-old daughter, doing what she could to shield the newborn from her boyfriend and his temper.

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Domestic abuse survivor Tabita Enciu thought she knew what love was when she met the man who'd later break her nose and spend a decade harassing her through the court system. She describes the patterns when she noticed something was wrong.
video by Laura Emmons

"I just remember concentrating on protecting my little one as I fell," she said. "My main priority was protecting my baby girl."

Neither of them was seriously hurt, but the incident was severe enough for Enciu, who said she'd endured months of abuse at the hands of her boyfriend, to leave him.

“Nearly 1 in 4 women in the U.S. report experiencing violence by a current or former spouse or dating partner at some point in their life. ”

CDC, 2008

She didn't have any money, or anywhere to go, but she did have the business card given to her by a concerned police officer the last time she'd been assaulted.

"You call me and I'll come get you when you're ready," she remembered him saying.

He did what he'd promised, and Enciu was soon at the Life Crisis Center, where she began a months-long journey to get back on her feet as a single mother. She hoped that'd be the end of her struggle.

She didn't know it then, but that decision would lead to nearly a decade of strife with the man who'd been her first serious boyfriend.

Domestic violence — in the forefront following intense media coverage of Baltimore Ravens football player Ray Rice's domestic violence case — affects nearly a quarter of women in the United States, according to the Maryland Network Against Domestic Violence. In 2010, nearly 18,000 people (three quarters of them women) in Maryland were victims of assault or abused by their significant other.

Here on the Shore, the main resource for those families is the Life Crisis Center in Salisbury. The center offers shelter, counseling and legal help to people dealing with domestic violence. Michele Hughes, executive director of the Life Crisis Center, says many times a woman in a dangerous situation — like Enciu — won't leave until there's a risk to her child.

"Many times they'll make the decision once he's put a hand on the kids," she said.

Enciu acknowledges she'd felt trapped.

"I wanted to leave him long before but I had nowhere to go," she said.

The toll of abuse

For Enciu, leaving her boyfriend wasn't enough to keep her from remaining a victim. Because he was the father of her child, she still had to see him.

Along with his court-ordered visitation rights was Enciu's desire for her daughter to have a relationship with both of her parents.

"I didn't want her to grow up without a father," she said.

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Tabita Enciu decided to pack her bags when her boyfriend put his hands on her as she held their daughter.
video by Laura Emmons

There would be more abuse — physical and emotional. Enciu would even be accused of causing the abuse and dragged into court to defend herself. Her name appeared in the newspaper on charges found to be baseless. But experts say when victims like Enciu have the courage to tell their stories, it helps draw attention to the issue of domestic violence and the resources needed to curb it.

Enciu filed charges of assault when he broke her nose, and petitioned for a protective order to stop his abusive phone calls and text messages.

That's when he began using the legal system against her. He accused her of assault and filed charges in Wicomico County Circuit Court. The state did not prosecute.

That didn't stop him from accusing her of assault three more times in the ensuing years. She was never convicted.

“It's a good strategy if you want to continue to harass a person. It's about power and control.”

Michaele Cohen

"He was the aggressor and manipulator that managed to abuse the court system to harass me," she said.

"Emotionally it's taken a big toll on me."

Enciu said it was downright embarrassing to be served with court documents at work, and just as bad to have her neighbors see the police at her house on a regular basis.

She remembers meeting her ex-boyfriend and daughter at the pediatrician's office one day after he'd failed to bring the little girl back to Enciu when he was supposed to. In spite of the fact the child was supposed to be with her, he called the police.

"Father called the police who, based upon the representation of the Father, arrested and handcuffed Mother," one court document reads. "Police soon realized their mistake and released her."

Even though she wasn't convicted of the crimes of which he accused her, which ranged from neglect to smoking marijuana, the damage was already done.

"By then I was already humiliated," she said.

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Domestic abuse survivor Tabita Enciu faced more than a decade of legal battles when her abuser began harassing her through the courts.
video by Laura Emmons

"It's about power and control"

It's not uncommon for those with a history of domestic violence to turn to the legal system to worry their victims further, according to Michaele Cohen, executive director of the Maryland Network Against Domestic Violence.

"It's a good strategy if you want to continue to harass a person," she said. "It's about power and control."

She said in custody cases in particular, judges sometimes aren't mindful enough of the domestic violence history between a man and woman. Many times, the noncustodial parent will fight for custody just to make things difficult for their former partner.

"Often they have less interest in the children and more interest in yanking her chain," Cohen said. "These cases are not the majority, but we do think the judiciary needs to be more sensitive to the connection."

The same is true on Delmarva, according to Hughes. She said while Maryland's laws are "quite good" at addressing domestic violence, judges can sometimes lack understanding of the issues. When a judge sees the same couple back in court multiple times, he or she can become frustrated.

"Some judges get disgusted and say they're not going to do anything because you keep going back," Hughes said. "It's frustrating, but you have to take people where you find them."

Research has shown that many women leave their abuser multiple times, only to return again.

"It does take a while for them to realize it's not going to get better," she said. "These men are extraordinarily manipulative."

For Enciu, the legal battles eventually came to a stop when her daughter became old enough to tell investigators that her mother wasn't the person her father made her out to be. His name was left out of this story in an effort not to reignite the war between them.

The battles took their toll, however.

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After leaving her abusive boyfriend and the father of her child, Tabita Enciu wanted a better legacy for her daughter.
video by Laura Emmons

Turning the corner

Working now as a substitute teacher, Enciu, who is also studying for a masters degree in education, worries someone will type her name into an Internet search engine and come across one of the assault charges filed against her. That, she says, is what prompted her to reach out to The Daily Times.

"I wanted to see if I could get my name taken off the list of court briefs," she said.

Cohen said as more victims like Enciu tell their stories and awareness of domestic violence grows, more can be done to stop it. Although huge strides have been made since she began working in the field in 1980, Cohen feels more resources are needed.

"The culture has changed and people don't think it's OK anymore," she said, "but we still need to get to everyone experiencing it and make sure they know they have options and there is help."

“I thought they didn't know what they were talking about. I thought I knew what love was.”

Tabita Enciu

Cohen said education is the key to addressing the problem, both by making victims aware of the programs and resources available to them, as well as by educating people on the potential warning signs in a relationship.

"If people can be made more aware, they might realize it before they get enmeshed," she said.

Victims of domestic violence are often in their first serious relationship, just like Enciu, Cohen said. She said the possessiveness and controlling nature of an individual can be misconstrued as love.

"It's flattering sometimes," she said. "It feels romantic. Abusers don't have an 'A' on their forehead. They can be charming."

Enciu noticed just a few months into her relationship that her boyfriend was controlling — he picked out her clothes — and could be mentally abusive — he constantly told her how stupid she was — but she thought that if she loved him she could change him. Even her family's decision to cut ties with her because of him wasn't enough to make her leave him.

"I thought they didn't know what they were talking about," she said. "I thought I knew what love was."

Like most victims, Enciu didn't realize she was in a dangerous relationship until it was too late. Experts say the more people know about domestic violence, the quicker they'll be able to recognize it as a potential problem.

"It's important for people to recognize these situations and try to extricate themselves," Cohen said.

For Enciu, extricating herself took more effort than she'd ever imagined. Nevertheless, as a happy mother of two who is about to celebrate 10 years with the love of her life, she is proud of what she has accomplished.