Posts Tagged ‘PETA’

As the world’s foremost typing chicken, Mother Hen is often called upon to act as the world’s foremost spokeschicken.

Well, sometimes she’s asked.

All right, darn it, there’s a first time for everything!

In this capacity, Mother Hen has carefully prepared a press release, to address a crisis of international proportions. In fact, she is positive it is the most articulate piece of journalism ever produced within the duration of a kitchen egg-timer.

Ahem!

Good evening, ladies, gentlemen and barbaric carnivores!

Mother Hen perches here today as the appointed ambassador of the Chickens and Roosters of the World (CROW), to share with you our deepest concern about the vicious massacre occurring on our planet today.

You mean General Moammar Gadhafi’s brutal attacks on rebel forces in Libya?

No.

The ruthless reprisals against demonstrators in Syria by President Bashar al-Assad then?

Do I look like Anderson Cooper to you, mister? Huh?

Are you a secret agent from the KFC? No? Are you sure? Okay then!

To resume… deepest concern…ruthless massacre…oh, yes…

While the sisterhood and brotherhood of CROW thoroughly appreciate your patronage of their egg-laying industry, which employs billions of chickens worldwide…yes, thank you the lady applauding in the back…from Slavonian Dwarf Naked Neck Chickens of Croatia to the Manx Rumpy Chickens of Iran even to the Bawu Hawu Chickens of New Zealand…

Get to the point, Chicken!

How rude!

The point, Ma’am, is that horrible, unspeakable acts are being committed against chickens daily and it is time for the poultry of the world to be heard!

Do you know what they mean by stuffing, dear people of the press? Have you heard? The indignity!!!

Did you realize that while there is no such thing as “chicken balls,” (since chickens are female –duh!), in fact the … how does one put this delicately… the family jewels of roosters are routinely eaten in East Asia?

Are you serious?

Yes, it’s true! Even we of the fairer sex shudder at the thought of all those poor Chinese roosters wandering around without the proper equipment. Gentlemen, it must positively make your feathers fall out!

Lastly, did you know that “chicken wings” are really…yes, really…the wings of chickens? Shocking! Even though chickens are technically flightless birds, it is a travesty that somewhere out there a farm exists full of amputee chickens bravely learning to live with prosthetic limbs!

So, people of the world, now that you are aware of these tragic circumstances, surely you will join the chickens and roosters of CROW in demanding change…demanding justice…for the poor, defenseless…

Oh come on!

Okay, so some of them have fences. That is beside the point.

Um…for the poor, suffering poultry on this planet who desperately need your intervention to end their misery…

For calling this stupid press conference, we can end your misery anytime now, chicken!

Sir! Stand back, sir! Security!

Hey! Where are the rest of all you media types going? You will miss the glorious conclusion!

This concludes today’s momentous announcement from Mother Hen, representing the Chickens and Roosters of the World (CROW). Mother Hen urges all people of goodwill to wear a chicken feather this coming week to show solidarity with CROW in its fight to end cruelty against poultry.

For the other five of you who, like MH until recently, do not know about Angry Birds, Mother H. is quite happy to fill you in, because it makes her feel all superior. (Honesty is one of Mother Hen’s many outstanding characteristics, if she must say so herself.)

Angry Birds is an app, as in application, as in “I have an iPhone and you don’t. So there!”

Better yet it is a game app, the most popular one around, so now that Mother Hen has it, she is totally cool. Uh huh. At least until next week, so she’s milking it for all it’s worth.

Here’s the thing. The object is to catapult various birdlike creatures at these green pigs and make the piggies explode, which would be great except for the part where the birds blow up too.

There is a cute little blue bird that turns into three little blue birds when you touch her in mid-air. How does she do that? Three Mother Hens would get the coop cleaned in no time!

Then there is a bigger yellow bird who gets faster and stronger when you touch him, a medium red bird that doesn’t do anything exciting and a bomb-shaped black bird that explodes when you touch him or when he lands, whichever happens first.

A big white bird drops egg-bombs from the sky that obliterate things, or at least they do if you hit them dead on. I’m sure the nice app people are fixing that tiny detail, because it would be so amazing if an egg-bomb could totally wipe-out those sick-looking pigs without the trouble of having to be so freaking accurate. If you were playing with a beak instead of with fingers, you would completely understand the principle here.

There might be more birds up ahead, like kilt-wearing birds or purple paintball birds or pooping birds (which would be totally awesome, wouldn’t it?), but if there is please don’t tell Mother H. because that would be such a spoiler.

You are all such lovely, devoted readers, so she is sure that you would never do such a thing, but just in case, remember, Mother Hen has connections to some real-life angry birds who could cover your cars with caca faster than you can let your dogs out. She’s just sayin’.

The question keeping MH up at nights is this: are those white, egg-laying birds chickens?

You’ve been wondering the same thing, haven’t you?

The blue birds look a lot like bluebirds, and the bomb birds look like crows, the red birds look like robins and the yellow birds looks like…maybe big canaries?

You do see the conundrum, right? If the Angry Birds are mutant critters out of some drug-addled programmer’s brain, then hey, bombs away!

If however, Angry Birds are meant to be honest-to-goodness real lifelike birdies going splat on impact, well then this is a moral outrage! Call PETA, start Facebook petitions, and inform Bob Barker, for heaven’s sake!

Next thing you know, there will be an app where we all club seals, and then they’ll be killing people in these things too! You wait and see. You guys are next!

The house cats have been telling Mother Hen that she should be flattered that the most famous app in the whole entire world features chickens, but then MH has always had a sneaking suspicion that they don’t really like birds very much anyway. Both cats reassure Mother that they love birds, but the way that they lick their chops when they say that makes her nervous.

What do you think, dear chicks? Should Mother Hen be an angry bird, or should she be an Angry Bird? Anyone?