supporters

An independent study conducted by the bipartisan policy group Alliance for Community Organizations seeking Reform Now has determined that just over fifty-nine percent of voters who support Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump suffer from moderate to severe illiteracy.

Posing as representatives from the Nationalist Reform Council – a fictional conservative action group – ACORN officials staged several mock elections last month at community centers throughout Cullman County, Alabama, under the pretense of helping residents register to vote in time for the general election. “We were really pleased with the turnout,” said Matthew Breyer, who heads ACORN’s northern Alabama office. “We were able to register nearly twenty thousand…

Emerging live from our coverage of the game today, a football fan is certain that the referee is biased against the team he supports. He is sure that the current call, which just went against one of his favorite players, is wrong, and that the referee blatantly favored the opponents.

“It’s clear from the start that he’s a fan of them,” said the man, groaning at another call going against his team. “He’s from wherever their team is from. Probably. That’s why they’re winning – they paid the ref! Why else would they be winning?”

Despite statistics coming from the game showing that his team have had more calls in their favor than the opponents, the man is nonetheless convinced that that only shows half the picture.

“Yeah, he’s given a few minor decisions for us,” the man said, referring to the team he supports as if he is part of it. “But the important stuff – they get all of it. It’s not fair.”

In a surprise twist, our reporters have discovered a fan of the other team who believes the referee is biased against his team, and is proud to say that they’re winning in spite of it.

“As you say, the majority of his decisions have gone in the other team’s favor,” this fan said, referring to the above mentioned statistic. “Clearly he must come from wherever their team is from. It’s not fair, but we’re good enough to win anyway.”

This fan, who apparently is an expert on body language and facial expressions, as well as psychology and sociology, told us that the way the ref looks at the opponents is with a softer glare than at his team’s members. He also asserted that although he has just learned that the referee is not from his side of town, the home city’s support of a different team must have caused a “reverse psychology sorta thing”, and that the referee’s decisions prove him correct.

At press time, we’ve got the two fans in a room together, arguing it out with impeccable logic and calm rationale.