North Korea Offers Unconditional Surrender After Mike Pence Angrily Squints At It

PYONGYANG (The Borowitz Report)—In
a major foreign-policy coup for the Trump Administration, North Korea
offered to unconditionally abandon its nuclear program on Monday, after
Mike Pence spent several minutes angrily squinting at the nation from
just across the border.

Warning
North Korea that the United States had jettisoned its policy of
“strategic patience” and that “all options were on the table,” Pence
fixed his steely glare on the isolated Communist nation and began
furiously staring it down.

After
Pence spent between five and six minutes demonstrating U.S. resolve by
squinting indignantly, the government in Pyongyang released a statement
indicating that North Korea’s nuclear ambitions were a thing of the
past.

“We
will henceforth abandon our nuclear program and dismantle all existing
nuclear facilities,” read the official statement from North Korean
President Kim Jong-un. “In exchange, we request that Mike Pence stop
giving us that really mean look.”

Moments
after the North Korean statement, Pence ordered his facial muscles to
stand down, and the Vice-President’s face assumed a peacetime footing.

At
the White House, press secretary Sean Spicer said that the successful
U.S. action in North Korea should “send a strong message to barbaric
dictators around the world that the United States stands ready to use
the full force and fury of Mike Pence’s angry face.”

Spicer
said that, after leaving North Korea, Pence was dispatched to Mosul,
Iraq, where he is scheduled to spend several minutes angrily squinting
at ISIS.

North Korea Offers Unconditional Surrender After Mike Pence Angrily Squints At It
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on
April 18, 2017
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