Bros Like This Site featured In:

Thursday, November 5, 2009

You can’t believe you are actually here. After hours of begging and threatening to cut off your tuition and even worse your trust fund, you finally agreed. God your Mom is being such a bitch. Just because her Aunt died at the age of 90, she is making a huge fucking deal about the whole family getting together to go to her funeral. First of all, you’re a fucking bro, so you obviously hate going to Church. More importantly, your Great Aunt was poor as shit. There’s no chance you are even getting an inheritance. Talk about a fucking waste of time. You struggle through the funeral ceremony thinking about medieval tortures you would rather endure than this shit. After your Great Aunt What’s Her Name is finally buried, you and your cousin talk about how you would have rather spent the last two hours watching “Bride Wars” when you walk into the reception. That’s when you hear the six most magical words outside of "It's ok, I'm on the pill" that a bro could ever hope to hear: “Help yourself to the open bar.”
Immediately you rush to the front of the line, almost knocking over your grieving Great Uncle looking to drown his sorrows. You down two Crown and Cokes immediately and ask for more. Two more down the hatch. You can’t feel shit so you demand the bartender give you shots. He pours you 10 shots of Jack after you promise other people would be taking them with you. Fucking idiot – never trust a bro on a “Trail of Beers.” After taking six, your Mom grabs you to stop “making a fool of yourself.” You tell her to “Fuck off – I’m in mourning!” Finally, you are getting buzzed. You try to get your Grandma to do a shot with you, she refuses. You start #4 chanting her name, but that doesn’t work either. Fucking bro-hater. You decide you want to make your Grandpa proud by showing him how much quality ass you’ve pulled this semester, so you break out the iPhone to show him the picture of the slam piece you slayed last weekend. You start to get into serious details about what she likes in bed, when you look at him and he’s slowly shaking his head. As the entire funeral reception stares at you in disbelief, you realize what they want – a song. You decide to go with a classic: #10 Sweet Caroline. After every “Da” in “Da Da Da,” you decide to take a shot. After the third shot you start to feel it. All that salmon you just shoved down your throat is swimming upstream. You stumble around the room as your audience gasps. You head directly for the corner, which is also the home of all the pictures of your Great Aunt. Like an experienced bulimic, you #48 unload everything in your stomach. You turn around and your entire family looks in disbelief. Sorry treasured memories, but this bro just rocked the shit out of this #82 after-funeral. It’s not your fault, you’re a fucking bro and you love getting wasted at inappropriate times.

It’s an age-old debate. What do bros hate more? #24 Condoms or Sobriety? While many scholars have developed countless theories, one thing is absolutely certain: bros love getting fucked up. Bros also love letting everyone and their fucking mothers know that they are the most important people in the room. What better way to let everyone know how fucking awesome you are than getting fucked up at a time when bro-hater society says you shouldn’t be? While bro-haters will “enjoy a glass of wine with dinner” or be “really naughty” and have a mimosa for breakfast, bros get fucked up whenever and wherever they fucking want. Let’s take a look at a couple key times where bros can demonstrate their dominance over society.

Around Children – If you have ever decided to cut back on your drinking just because kids are around, you are not a bro. A true bro never holds back on getting fucked up just because some deadbeat parents decided to be cheap and not get a babysitter. Besides, kids are fun as shit to get fucked up with. It’s always fucking hilarious to see their faces when they have their first sips of beer. Really takes you back. I always find that kids are much better at downing shots than you might think. This is usually because they haven’t spent a night next to the toilet for having 20 shots of Aristocrat Tequila – yet. What’s that you say, bro-hater? We shouldn’t be feeding kids alcohol? Fuck you - do you realize how sick of a tolerance these kids will be building? They’ll be fucking bro kings by sophomore year of high school.

Work Parties – What bro doesn’t hate parties at work? Everyone just stands around talking about the weather and shit. That’s where bros come to the rescue. A lot of time there’s not a shitload of brew or liqour at these parties, so you better fucking come prepared. Sneak in a bottle of Jack and #35 pregame the shit out of the event. This works best if there’s no alcohol served, like when someone brings in bagels. Show how much of a bro you are by getting shitty as hell. Then try to #29 grind on anything in a skirt , even if there’s no music. The girls at breakfast may try to play hard to get by pushing you away or making you meet with HR, but that’s just because they are scared. They know you are a bro, making you irresistible, and they are afraid that banging you in front of everyone might make things awkward around the office. Fucking slam pieces and their feelings.

So the next time you are bored out of your fucking mind at some pointless family event like a funeral, remember that you’re a fucking bro. Don’t let the deaths of Bro Pioneers such as Chris Farley and John Belushi be in vain. Get fucked up. We’ve earned it.

I've been laughing out loud throughout this entire post...NYB I want to marry you, but you're a bro. shit...After taking six, your Mom grabs you to stop “making a fool of yourself.” You tell her to “Fuck off – I’m in mourning!” hahahaa!!

i show up at family get together drunk as crap always. best part? im the only one in my family who drinks. on my way to the get together, i make sure to stop at a bar first and get blasted. then i show up drunk. my fam doesn't dig it, but i do and so do my brodawgs.

Last night I was forced to go to this work function which would have sucked except for one magical thing: open bar. While all of the bro-haters in my office sipped a beer and left at 11pm, I double fisted all night, found slam pieces to grind on, and was eventually asked to leave for crashing into a drink lady and knocking her full tray to the ground. This probably would have been ok but I handed her a napkin, and asked her if she wanted to leave with me when she was done cleaning that shit up. Thats when I felt a bouncer grab my shoulder from behind and push me out.This morning when I got into work hungover as shit I knew I would have to start to rally if I was going to make it through the day. I tapped into my Jameson flask that I keep in my drawer and right as I was pouring it into my coffee my boss walked by and caught me. This is only made worse by the fact that he is a recovering alcoholic (aka a quitter). I looked him dead in the eye, and told him "I'm hungover as fuck right now...you'd understand". He nodded, exhibiting the last remnants of inner-bro he still has.

i'm a 17 year old high schooler, (bro in training), and i got fucked up on memorial day before the family gathering, then packed a FAT ASS LIP of skoal cherry, then i slayed a 36 year old cougar who was one of my aunts friends in high school. pretty damn bro if you ask me

I love it. I just had a work function last week with my team. not the most fun group of people, but it was open tab at a bar and comedy club. needless to say i was either pounding my drink or hanging out in the bathroom stall doing blasters from the end of a p-funk (total bro way). so that at least made me social to my lame crew i was with. then one of the chicks on my team gave me the "i want some of that" sign like she was a 3rd base coach. Now she's a bra in my book and i'm totally going to slay her....

I was dragged to a company Texas-hold em tournament focing me to mingle with the lame as bro haters in my company...but to my delight, open bar. After slamming 10 double gin and tonics in about 25 minutes and feeling a bit buzzed, I went all in, hoping for the right card to come on the river turn. It did and I went apeshit, began chanting, and for sure dropped a very loud celebratory 'fuck yea' causing the entire room to go silent and stare at me. After downing another 5-6 coctails, my bro hating HR director told me to piece out.....fuck that bitch. I hit the bar up next door and of course my bro co-workers followed.

I was drinking at a funeral reception when i was 18 once. The dumb slut who was serving the food knew i wasnt "of legal age" and told an off duty Trooper at the reception. He tried to arrest me but my dad stepped in and told the fucking faggot 5.0 what was up. I love getting fucked up...anywhere.

Pregaming lectures is the shit. Nothing is funnier than a bro-hating TA trying to lecture about philosophy than when ur drunk in the front row laughing at everything he says. All the other bros in the class know whats up and start chanting ur name. Fuckin bra next to you starts givin you the eye and the next thing you know ur skippin class with your dick in some ass.

*Editors note: Ned’s Young Brother sold out to the man (me), and has been replaced by The Biggest Fucking Legend (TBFL). Feel free to post your comments.

After nailing a fairy, a gymnast and a school girl (seriously, can you sluts not be at least a little more creative?) on #86 Halloween I came to the decision that it was time to buy my textbooks for the semester. I head to the bookstore and spend $500 of dads money on some stupid ass books that I will never open and eventually sell for beer or blow jobs. As I’m leaving I figure that I might as well check out one of these inane classes anyways. As I walk into class half an hour late, the under-dressed, over-spoken, wanna-be eclectic professor asks, ‘and who might you be?’ I quip back, ‘I’m the guy you don’t wanna piss off’, and take my seat at the back of the class.

As all bros know, going to class is a huge fucking waste of time. The only reason a Bro is even enrolled in University is to bang slam-pieces and make sure everyone else in the world knows that they are that much better than them because they graduated from a better fucking school. The only time a Bro goes to class is to check out new potential slam-pieces and make fun of the nerds who are actually taking notes on ‘how to streamline your company to make it run more efficiently.’ Fuck that. Why the fuck would a Bro need to know that? He’s going to be handed the keys to his dad’s company the minute he graduates anyways and there’s always the trust fund to fall back on. So when Bros actually do go to class it’s a big fucking deal. Not only is everyone in the class looking around wondering, ‘who is this ridiculously good looking creature’, but they are also thinking to themselves why the class reeks of alcohol. I’ll tell you fucking why. Because when a Bro comes to class he is more hungover than Robert Downey Jr. after a night in Vegas. While the professor is going on and on about how to calculate the ‘weighted average cost of capital’, you are thinking to yourself, ‘ why the fuck would I ever finance with debt when I have all the equity in the world?’ When a loser asks a dumb fucking question, you immediately shout an obscenity and tell him to stop wasting your precious time and to have the notes for the final in your inbox by Friday.

The only reason a real bro comes to class is to make sure when the professor is grading the exam, he remembers whose father is making yearly donations to the faculty. After 15 minutes of creeping girls on Facebook and getting bored, I stand up, pretend like I’m going to the washroom, and get the fuck out of there. What a waste of time. I’m never going to get those 15 minutes of my life back so I better make up for it. After checking out the slam-pieces in the Bronfman café (because all sluts are in Management so that one day they can suck their way up the corporate ladder) I head to the SAQ to get my daily dose of water (Jameson). The guy working the cash is obviously one of my best boys, since I see him every single day before 2pm. He tells me I can get 2 bottles for the price of 1 and I tell him I don’t need his fucking charity but I’ll sure as hell take the deal just to get my Bros more fucked up and because I never pass up an arbitrage opportunity. After downing my 26 in 5 minutes flat its time to go back to campus to start #4 chanting at all the fucking bro haters (probably wearing a scarf and a poppy) going to class and making a general mockery of the higher learning concept. After passing out on main field and getting woken up by a campus security guard at 5pm, I realize its perfect fucking timing to go home and take a nap before getting even more fucked up that night.

When a real Bro does make his obligatory one appearance in class per semester, you better fucking take a good look, because the next time you’ll be seeing his face is when you wake up next to him one morning realizing you’ve just banged the ultimate Bro.

When i was snowboarding in Austria in a family competition I was straight gettin my Brode Miller on it and getting shit faced before racing against the little kids and talking mad shit. So after dominating I took the trusty flask out and pounded it in front of the losers faces

1. Dipevery bro loves throwing in a chomper, the bigger the better. Now we have all encountered the "dude dipping is gross / dip is for redneck" bro-haters...and fuck them. also there are major bro-credits earned if you hooks it with a bitty with a lip in.

2. Will Ferrell...the man is a bonafied(bronafied) bro. and hes kinda a big deal

Last weekend my fucking cousin had a wedding and my parents threatened to suspend my Xbox live if I didn't go which is bullshit because I'm still school queers at Gears of War. So I went and I start hitting jager boms left and fuckin right at the reception. I was fallin on the bar and try to nail this slam piece, but then my dad laid down a mad cockblock and made me go home because I was "making a fool of mysefl" maybe it's just me, but I don;t think getting my tip wet is making a fool of myself

I have not even read your comment nor would i waster my time. I glanced at a snip-it of your opening statement and immediately knew you are wearing a tie-die tee shirt with matching bandanna khaki cargo Capri's and Birkenstocks. Fuckin hipster. get lost

You're a fucking bro-hater and your post was about as cool as tim tebow saving himself for marriage. Obviously you do go to class if you know such big words like "inane" "quip" and "finance". A true bro doesnt even know what the fuck that shit means and doesnt give a fuck either. Why don't you go ride the fucking dart rail sober as shit and wear a condom while you fuck your patchouli smelling #37DOFF fiancee you fuckin loser.

i once got so wasted, i have to tell you this story. but before i begin, please know that i remember NOTHING. my friends videotaped everything, so it happened- i've seen it many times its awesome. anyways, the story...

i woke up for my 8am class on a wednesday. i find 2 slam pieces on couches in the living room from the night before. they said hi and they were obviously still drunk. they said they would like to have a drink with me so i figured- fuck class, lets drink & fuck. so we drink, drink, drink, etc. and we're all wasted. next thing i know im making out with 2 girls.

as this is happening, the cable guy comes in. i let him do his shit in our living room, as im hooking up in the same room. i signed a piece of paper while im getting a blowjob. he just kept laughing. i did make him grab a titty though before he left.

next, my bro's girlfriend comes over. shes looking for him, hes not there, and she tells me im gross. as shes leaving, he walks in. next thing i know, they're now involved. so we have an orgy- fucking awesome. now, the best part... (all on video tape)

i walk out on the street, one of the main streets in the city. i see a bus parked with no one inside, but its running. so my bro and i (with the video camera) hop on and take it for a spin. we drove around for just over 40 minutes. we picked ppl up, but never stopped at a stop. then we just left the bus in the middle of the city and went to a bar. some fag was playing piano, i punched him and got kicked out.

on the way home from the bar i pushed over a motorcycle and punched a parking maid because i thought they were a cop. knocked them out cold. after that i found a slam piece, took her back, and nailed her. everything was on video. best morning/day/night of my life.

You deserve the piling-on that you're getting. Writing your own post in the comments? Christ, man, get a fucking clue. Not only was your entry terrible, but it is a serious breach in etiquette to even suggest that you could do NYB's

getting fucked up at inappropriate times is fun as shit. along with drinking you have to take a fat dip of copenhagen. nothings more fun than spiting in places you shouldnt. and to "anonymous," packing a "FAT ASS LIP of skoal cherry" is not bro. listen to what you said...SKOAL. thats pussy shit man. i mean, the 36 year old cougar is bad ass, but after you said cherry skoal, your bro points went down. chew copenhagen long cut man

Getting fucked up at innapropriate times is fucking flawless. I don't know what's better - seeing the disgusted looks on peoples' faces who envy your total bro-ness, or watching others laugh at the scene you've caused.

From reading this site I honestly think I've found brothers. I guess I've encountered way too many bro-haters that I forgot there were bros out there doing the exact same shit. Legendary.

The best part about your post was that nobody on here read more than one sentence of it. I'm glad you wasted 15 minutes of your life putting it together. I can see you sitting there, typing away on your keyboard, quietly giggling to yourself at your obvious/faggoty observations. You're a fucking tool.

Aim the shotgun into your mouth and pull the trigger you fucking bro-hater dicksucker.

I was at this slampeices's brother's wedding one time (she said she would blow me if i went) that was when here brother in law asked me to a drinking competition...blah blah blah next day woke up naked outside her family's house (WIN)

I am in law school and a few weeks ago I was at a multi-cultural event (aka bunch of non-bros). The theme was south asian night so I knew I had to get slammed before I went, but I definatley wanted some of that bomb curry shit the indians make. I walk in feeling like im on acid due to my intoxication combined with the trippy indian music that is playing. The first thing I see is the Dean of the school, who of course I am on bad terms with due to my marijuana posession charges and the such. Everyone knows I'm bombed but I proceed to the food table where I inhale the remaining parcels and end up on the dance floor with a slam piece where I convert the Indian dance moves they are trying to teach into some old fashioned gringing.

One time we were having a small family get together at my house and I was naturally dreading it so I got smashed before they even showed up. When my 5 year old cousin came up, I grabbed her stuft teddy bear and threw that shit in my big ass pool. She cried and I fuckin laughed my ass off. She's a future bro hater.

So this bra invited me to her aunts wedding this past summer, i was reluctent to go but decided to as i have been pounding her relentlessly for a couple months. Get to the wedding...worst 45 minutes of summer, followed by open bar reception. I got so hammered off this free booze i was asked to leave by the bride. I did however get her to dance with me after i danced with the bra's mom

BROPENHAGEN long cut wintergreen is solid while the price is low, but back to SKOAL after that, and theres always RED MAN to satisfy the tobacco fix...

one time i was having a chaw, and this 18 year old slam piece walked up and asked if i wanted to hit up the bed room so i did, we went in there started fuckin, i spat my red man in her ass from above while fucking her doggy and used the chaw spit as lube, she loved it and got a crazy buzz apparently

I feel that man. us bros love gettin fucked up whenever we can. me and my fellow bros were on a 7 days drunk run just before christmas eve when my fellow bro decided he was gonna get fucked up before church. His mom made him go, and yes us bro's hate going to church. He passed out in mid sermon and that was the end of his church experience. i doubt he has to go to church anymore.

before heading out the door for a 7:30 AM breakfast with girlfriend and her friends, i chugged 2/3 of a water bottle of vodka, adding to my already being drunk from the night before. While at breakfast, I dropped the eggs on my pants...numerous times. it was excellent.

made BILLS over summer last year working at some bullshit kids summer camp...was head of 7-8 year olds and got fucked up everyday...personal blunt at lunch time and gin and tonics all day equaled a hell of a summer.actually kicked my roommates little brother out of camp for "being a douchebag" when i was blacked out one day...i quit that shit tho because i dont work talent shows on thirsty thursdays

Fucking moms weekend is the shit to be wasted. Did my mom know about this shit? Fuck no! Then I couldn't be wasted since noon on the flat (frat) roof shouting at the fucking bro-haters going to the craft show. The fucking best was some bro's mom who shotgunned a KL Smooth in front of everyone and then smoked a bowl with me and my bros.

browboarder, snowboarding drunk is one of the most bro things you can do. since your a bro your obviously the best one on the mountain and only get better by getting fucked up. my personal favorite is this last winter i went up to northstar at tahoe with my bro my older brother and some of his bro college friends because im still in hs. we brought up like 4 30 packs and 3 handles of popov (cheap ass vodka) for two nights. we also brought atleast an O of weed between us. we got trashed every night and went to the rec center which has a hottub and would hit on slampieces and then wake up hungover as shit smoke bowls while rolling up some blunts for on the mountain. took some beers a waterbottle of vodka and the blunts we had rolled. hotboxed the gondola, got off and the attendant looked at us as fellow bros because he was high as shit too. just go off into the trees and smoke a blunt and drink some beers and youll be chillin

So at my passover sedar this past year my uncle decided to put the top shelf shit for all 50 members of my family to drink. So what does a bro like myself do? pour that patron motherfucker. After the 8th shot i thought out loud "maybe i should stop", but then i said "fuck that keep em coming grandma". So 5 shots later we sit down to read about how the jews got out of egypt and its my turn to read. I fuckin rock that paragraph in my sean connery voice, but i wasnt feeling to great. So before i replace everyone's matzoh ball soup with tequila flavored yak i make my way outside. Almost there ik im not gonna make it. So close to the outside with just the desert room to run through to get outside i hold my mouth b/c something is coming up. Needless to say if i cant have desert ill throw up all over it. End result i yacked on the desert table and caused a fight between my mom and my uncle that lasted 3 months. I'd say a bros work was done here

dude I got wasted at my uncles after funeral, I was stumbling around as my granny was trying to get me to sit down and "talk with her" yeah right granny, fucking heart to hearts about my drinking is bro-hating and I will not be apart of it.

being a bro is such a hit at the family xmas party. i get all the kids to think its cool to go to sleep early by double fisting beers all night and skipping dinner to inhale all the eggnog while no bro-haters are around...i'm passed out by 9.

Senior year of college, graduation week. It's two days before the ceremony and I'm on day 6 of an epic bender. I'm at the Bro Pad slamming cans of bud heavy and doing bong loads with the bros at about 8PM, when I get a text from a guy from my class:

"Dude, where are you? The honors society dinner just started. You need to be here to get your Dean's List award."

In my four years of fratting, I never studied and had gone to maybe 10% of my classes at best, but I'm a bro and therefore smart as fuck. Hence, I pulled a 3.8 without any effort and won some bullshit Dean's List thing in the business school.

At this point I'm about 8 beers and three bowls deep, but I decide that being the guest of honor at a faculty event dictates that I get REALLY fucking wasted. I finish a sixer of Natty, do two strikeouts, a shot of Jaeger, and grab a couple road beers for my walk across campus to the faculty club. This event was supposed to be business dress, but I don't give a fuck so I roll over there in my football jersey and shorts.

I kick open the doors to the banquet hall, causing everyone to stop their conversation and turn around to stare at me. I then proceed to walk straight up to the stage - beer can in one hand and a fat lip of copenhagen in my mouth. I grab my award plaque off the table, fist-bump the confused-looking Dean of the business school, and then flash the shocker to the event photographer next to the stage while everyone in their nice suits and dresses gasps in shock.

I then walked straight back out of the hall, holding my award plaque aloft like a fucking Super Bowl trophy, while chanting "USA! USA! USA!" at full volume on my way out the door.

There's no such thing as an "inappropriate" time to be wasted, at least not in my book.

annual camping trips include family, friends, and cousins. i stay on a site with some of my bros including one of my cousins away from the families so we can get sloppy without the bro hating parents and wardens freaking out. we set up beer pong on our picnic table one morning after a solid few breakfast beers and taught my little cousin and his friend to play pong. got them drunk for their first time and even witnessed a "fuck off mom im not going to bed" out of little cousins mouth. sure she tried to send him to bed early but the future bro snuck out and took shots with us. he went up a few belts in Bro karate that day.