News from Hell A

Archive for the ‘Weather’ Category

SIMI VALLEY— After three weeks of searing temperatures and fires, the National Weather Service is forecasting colder weather for California this week, prompting Governor Schwarzenegger and Mayor Villaraigosa to issue an evacuation notice urging Angelenos to pack up and evacuate to warmer climes.

Temperatures are expected to be two degrees colder than normal. Hotels in Nevada and Arizona have been bombarded with business since the announcement and most are already booked. Howard Jackson, the owner of Bob’s Adult Motel in Winslow, Arizona, describes the evacuation situation as chaotic, “I don’t have the staff to handle this number of people. I can barely get the sheets changed in this place as it is. I hope people aren’t expecting much. This is an adult motel, it’s not the Hampton Inn. Some people are bringing kids with them. They better bring earplugs too.”

Dr. Shirley Kaharty, with the Los Angeles County Department of Health Services, believes that the evacuation is absolutely necessary and will save millions of lives. “We know that cold weather can kill people, animals, plants, and damage property. Why risk it? Going to Arizona and Nevada for the weekend could be fun. People should think of this as an adventure and stop complaining. I’m going to Mandalay Bay in Vegas and I intend to have a good time.”

It also appears that the evacuation may become mandatory. A Schwarzenegger spokesperson said they will not be squeamish about dragging people from their homes. “When the governor makes a declaration he’s not messing around. We’ve got plenty of ways to get people to do what we want.” When asked about the people who have no resources to leave, Schwarzenegger’s spokesperson responded with a shoulder shrug and jumped into a black Yukon and took off.

Most meteorologists are at a loss to explain the drastic change in the weather, but one of them, Dr. Harold Bobkin, has some ideas, “It’s global colding. Everybody’s been so caught up in global warming that they’ve missed the signs of global colding and now it’s about to hit us in the face like an icy snowball.”

Marcus Brashear of Simi Valley has decided to follow the emergency evacuation order, but his wife is staying. “I think this is a good time for him to leave,” she giggled. “I’ll be okay. We’ve got a new hot tub and I”ve got a new friend to keep me warm.”