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Monday, June 19, 2006

Aalele Visit

And in fact I actually had many chances to visit Aalele but I didn't, I just didn't feel like it. But then last thursday it kind of happened too fast, too fast for my conscious to decide that I didn't feel like it. So I went to my homeland, after a long absence. Everything was actually very interesting. In the past 3 years dramatic changes took place for me. I am almost someone I wouldn't have recognised 3 years ago. The least to say is that I never thought I'd become today what I actually am today. Despite my hyperactive imagination I often fail to predict the changes in my immediate future.

My first escale was naturally my old house; I have so much of me scattered here and there on small pieces of paper that used to my existence so much more hospitable. So many thoughts scribbled on the corners of my notebooks, a lot of drawings. A true treasure that I am glad I had never destroyed. It's so interesting to review your thoughts years after there disappearance. In fact I found out a few days ago that in fact, at various moments of my life I had diaries and those did last for quite a while each. I always thought that I only had one real diary that lasted a few years (with LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG periods of abstention) and that all the other attempts were very ephemeres. I was so wrong! In fact, the most reasonable conclusion would be that ALL my journals were ephemeres, none of them contained more than a couple of dozen entries. Most of my thoughts were scattered on small pieces of paper, especially at my darkest moments. That's why most of anything I write starts with "I'm not Ok right now" or something like it, which might give the impression that I was such a miserable person, but in fact, at my happy moments, I seldom felt like writing anything, most of the times I used to draw when I'm happy and write when I'm sad. Well at a certain moment I stopped drawing anything or writing anything, and when things get rough I'd draw a little. But anyway, we're losing the main point.

The main point was that I DID find my famous Red Diaries, in which I wrote my darkest thoughts and whispered to the paper my self inflicted crime, to these same papers I exteriorated a couple of years later (and for the first time of my existence) that I loved Claude, he was in fact the only guy that I actually had a crush on and uttered his name, even if it was just on paper. During my last year in Aalele, I actually dared to admit my feelings to Claude to Greace (my Dearest and probably closest friend ever).

The interesting thing about my Journal's that the last sentence I had written in it was: "But I am happy"

That was the only journal I wrote in Arabic (almost), most of what I wrote was in English, which is funny because I was never strong in English but English was always the intimate language, French the ordinary thoughts and Arabic the Literature. I know it's crazy. Anyway there were a lot of mixed of feelings that crossed my mind during that visit, and revising what I had written. I also found a small piece of paper in which I wrote that I will severe my relationship with Greace! Actually it was a piece in which I wrote that I will distance myself from both Greace and Josiane (Those were my best friends back then, and my feelings towards both is kind of complex and I can't really talk about this without losing the subject of this entry).

However one of the few things that I did NOT find was my first suicide note, actually I had the habit of carrying that letter with me everywhere (for almost 4 years) but then I lost it one day and never found it again, back then I feared that maybe my mom had found it and read it, the thought was terrifying for me back then. I was actually I was paranoid that someone might find out what I had done to myself, I often interpreted anyone's attempt to be friendly with me, as an act of pity coming from someone who had discovered "my secret". Anyway, time passed and I never found the letter.

In addition to all the Archive inspection I went to visit mother nature as I often did when I was 14, but this time with Baby G. Our city outfit didn't help us. I collected flowers (I actually found an immortelle flower) and Georges collected a few rocks, he was trying to imitate Les hommes préhistoriques. Then we went back home and had to painfully remove the thorns and stuff.

Then I went to see Greace and then the Triumvirate (Greace, Josiane and I) started one of our notorious Girls' fun and gossip. Reviving the old days... Anyway I had the chance to see Greace's New BF's picture and we had a lot of fun shooting short films of us (mainly me) being silly and outrageously stupid on her new Cell phone. It was fun. Then I went to my Grandparents home (in another town) which was ok too, we had fun there too.