John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

It is possible to regain a sense of security and well-being after a "constant" person in our life has died. (Published 4/28/2014)

Q:

My dad died a year ago a few days after Christmas. Some days I feel the pain will never leave. I also feel that he was the one constant and the one thing and person I knew in my heart of hearts was always there. How do I move on? Will I, and will I ever feel that secure and safe again?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Nicole,

Thanks for your note and questions.

Your feelings make sense no matter how long it’s been since your dad died. I know that even though I was 50 when my mom died, I also felt a sense of lost security when she died, almost like I was a child again.

As to the pain never leaving, that’s really a thought more than a feeling, and it’s a thought that’s based on not knowing that recovery or completion is possible, which allows the pain to diminish and disappear.

Go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. As you read it and take the actions it outlines, you will find a change in your feelings. You will feel more emotionally complete with your dad, and the fear of being in pain forever will slip away. You will also be able to retain or regain the sense of constancy even though he is no longer physically here.