John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

The absence of important people in our lives is difficult at the best of times, but at difficult times, we miss them exponentially. (Published 4/14/2015)

Q:

It has been 16 years since my Dad died and 15 months later, my Mom died. People keep saying that "It gets easier in time". No it doesn't! I go through life, but the pain and sadness are always in my heart. I want to know, when does it get easier? I’m going through a lot of difficulties now and I really want and need my parents, just to talk to, to give me advice on what to do. I miss them both so much. I just want the pain to stop. Help?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Debi,

Thanks for your note and questions.

We hear you loud and clear!

The absence of important people in our lives is difficult at the best of times, but at difficult times in our lives, we miss them exponentially.

However, the idea that time modifies feelings is and always has been incorrect. It is actions taken within time that can help you, not time by itself. But in order to take actions, you need to know what those actions are.

Go to the library or book store and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. The subtitle of the book is: The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses including Health, Career, and Faith. As you read the book and take the actions it outlines, you’ll find a reduction in pain and a major shift in how you feel and think.

With that you’ll also have better access—though indirect—to the kind of guidance and comfort you used to have in a direct way with your parents.