The Top Ten Excuses for NOT Talking to Your Mate Part Two

Last week I began listing the Top Ten Most Common Excuses for NOT Talking to Your Mate. Here is a brief review of Excuses 10 – 6:

Excuse # 10: The Smartphone. A text or phone call is allowed to interrupt anything.

Excuse # 9: The job. For some, the dirty little secret is that one partner is happier at the office than at home so he or she seeks out projects to keep them at work.

Excuse # 8: Exercise. Health is a good-enough excuse to avoid the difficult issues that arise between people who love each other.

Excuse #7: Television. The TV does more to inhibit human conversation than any invention of mankind.

Excuse # 6: Computer. If you are at work on a computer it means you are doing something important, right? Or not.

Excuse #5: Do-Good. Volunteer for something more important than your family.

Now for the Final Four of the Top Ten Most Common Excuses for NOT Talking to Your Mate.

Excuse #4: Family. A married couple with kids can spend 98% of their time talking about their children and the events and issues they encounter every day and never enter the minefield of their own deteriorating relationship. It feels safer to talk about soccer schedules and dance recitals and not so safe to discuss feelings of isolation, anxiety or disappointment.

Excuse #3: Fear. You hesitate to communicate if you fear what will happen when your true feelings are exposed. If you fear the reaction the revelation of your real needs will bring; if you fear what the other person will think if they find out what is really on your mind, you clam up.

Excuse #2: Timing. “Let’s talk about this later, OK?” is a clever way to escape a meaningful discussion. By declaring that this is not a good time to talk about the problem does not mean you are unwilling to talk, it just means that tomorrow will be better, at least until tomorrow comes. Many an important relationship issue gets buried alive in the grave of procrastination.

And now, The Number One Excuse for NOT Talking to Your Mate: Exhaustion. By the time you get a moment of quiet time, you are too tired to talk about important stuff. You talk about the news of the day, gossip about the neighbor, but to discuss what is really important takes way more emotional energy than is available at day’s end.

So what happens? You stay up later than you should to do things that must be done before tomorrow. By the time you go to bed you hope to fall asleep fast to avoid any intimate interaction. Back-to-back you lay awake thinking “something has happened to the happily-ever-after part of our marriage” but you have no energy to deal with it. In the morning you get back on the treadmill of your lonely life.

Did you notice the Top Ten Excuses for NOT Talking to Your Mate are just that, excuses? They are not powers or events outside of your control. In a loving relationship each partner takes personal responsibility for their mutual happiness. No excuses allowed.

To read more by Dr. Ross or comment on this column, please visit RonRossToday.com