Wednesday, November 03, 2010

BOROWITZ REPORT part 2

November 3, 2010

Canada Reports Huge Jump in Immigration

Over 55,000,000 Requests for Citizenship Since Tuesday Night

OTTAWA (The Borowitz Report) - Canadian immigration officials have reported a huge increase in the number of requests for Canadian citizenship in the past twenty-four hours, with over fifty-five million such inquiries pouring in since late Tuesday night.

Of those fifty-five million requests, well over 99.99% of them came from U.S. citizens, with a particularly large number coming from residents of Florida and Kentucky.

Canadian Foreign Affairs Minister Lawrence Cannon said that he was “flabbergasted” by the fifty-five-million-plus requests for Canadian citizenship, adding that it was difficult to pinpoint the precise reasons for the staggering increase.

“My only theory is that after the 2010 winter Olympics, the sport of curling is finally starting to catch on,” he said.

He cautioned, however, that it is impossible to know exactly what is sparking the sudden interest in America’s frozen neighbor to the north: “People answering our immigration hot-line say that it is hard to understand many of the American callers because they are sobbing uncontrollably.”

In other news, responding to last night’s election returns, Rep. John Boehner (R-Ohio) told reporters, “I’m so stoked I just turned the tanning bed up to eleven.”

But former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin struck a more somber note, saying that despite several key victories, “it was a tough night for Tea Party voters because it involved so much math.”