ANONYMOUS

I met my rapist in the LDS Missionary Training Center in Provo in 2013. We were both serving missions for the LDS Church at the time.

We reacquainted through Tinder and he asked me out on a few dates. At the time I was dealing with a lot of heartache as a return missionary. My family wasn't supportive of me, and disagreed with me on a lot of things, so I turned to drinking to cope with everything. I had so much going on in my life and I was afraid to tell him what I was doing because I thought he was a good guy. I later told him what I was doing and he opened up to me and said he was doing the same thing. I thought, "Maybe this is it! We can help each other be better."

One day he was so persistent to see me when I was with my friends getting drunk. I told him not today because I was hanging out with my friends. He obviously knew what he was doing, so he came to my house. So we left my house together and I remember him asking me when I was planning to change. I told him I didn't like what I was doing and he said he didn't like it either and that he wanted to change as well. He took me to a viewpoint and he started kissing me.

The next thing I knew he started taking my clothes off, and all I remember is him forcing himself inside of me as I cried, asking him to please stop. I passed out and woke up to him on top of me. I was so terrified I didn't know what to do. I made myself pretend everything was okay so I woke him up and told him I needed to go and that I wanted to put my clothes back on. He grabbed me and looked me in the eyes and said, "I'm not finished!" He kept on going and made me do things I didn't want to do. I was so afraid he was going to hurt me if I refused and I repeatedly asked him to stop.

After he was done he threw me my clothes and I got dressed quickly. He drove me home and he thought everything was alright. He was very proud of his performance and he grabbed me and kissed me. I got out of his car and walked into my house feeling empty inside. I couldn't believe what had happened and I went to my room and laid there. Later he messaged me telling me that he had a good time and he wanted more. I told him it would never happen again and he told me that he didn't want to see me anymore. I didn't know how to react to everything. I told him how I felt and he denied ever taking advantage of me and made me think that I wanted it. I was too afraid to let anyone know what had happened to me and I tried to make sense of it and deal with it myself.

A month and a half went by and I had found out that he didn't use any protection. Since I wasn't being sexually active or on any sort of birth control it was likely that I could get pregnant. I wasn't getting my period and so I thought I was pregnant, and I reached out to tell him because he was just as responsible as I was. He told me if I was pregnant that I had to abort it, and then he blocked me off all social media. I was devastated because I couldn't believe how bad of a person he was. I blamed myself and didn't want to deal or have to live with what I was going through. I later found out I wasn't pregnant and I was so relieved.

I am dealing with everything. It's been four months since this happened and I'm seeing a therapist and attending AA groups to help me get back on track. It's hard everyday and it's always on my mind. I wake up crying every so often but I am taking care of me. I don't wish this upon anyone and I hope I can help someone else in the future by sharing my story. The healing process is going to take time but I know I'm stronger than I have ever been.