Bored at the BAFTAs

We get it. You don’t want to be there. You hate getting dressed up and having people judge you and gawking at your purported beauty. You’re 22 and the world is black and depressing. You thumb through a first edition of The Bell Jar every night before bedtime. Hollywood sucks. Fame sucks. Red carpets suck.

Being a cliché sucks too. And it’s embarrassing. And it’s kinda hypocritical especially when this is a dress that doesn’t exactly scream: I don’t care.

So pick a side.

Are you one of the most exciting young actresses of your generation? A true movie star? Or are you a pouty and pedestrian young adult stuck in a predictable existential crisis?

Seriously… get over it. Soon. Because Shelf Ass Jessica Biel actually thinks she can be you. And we need you to open your mouth, show off those razor blade teeth, and laugh in her face.