The Mad Real Slap One in a Million: New York

Yesterday, in the post for Forrest Edwards’ follow-up interview, Slap revealed that the next One in a Million series will take place in New York City. Most know that Quartersnacks spends its time striking an honest balance between the two prominent New York skate stereotypes: one claiming it is a city of endless spots and helpful skaters willing to accompany you, and the other insisting it’s a city of partyboys profiling out-of-towners on the T.F. bench while wearing sunglasses and drinking ice coffee. In light of our mission, and considering the fact we essentially predicted what would happen in last year’s One in a Million, we are offering Slap this helpful advice on how to keep their upcoming project as New York as possible.

1. Though Mountain Dew sponsored the last one, Slap should look into having Stella Artois sponsor this one.

2. Have all organizers, guest pros, tour guides, etc. show up 2-3 hours late each morning, due to hangovers and/or waking up in strange places.

3. The day should start at around 4 P.M., and end at around 5:30 P.M. to maintain an authentic New York feel.

4. Do not allow participants to use wax. Ever.

5. At least one of the participants must succumb to cocaine addiction by the end of the series.

6. At least one other participant must forfeit his interest in skateboarding and begin pursuing a career in art by the end of the series.

9. Have Lurker Lou on as a guest pro. Nobody will provide more brutally honest commentary than Lou.

10. Make them skate Hollis with Rob Campbell.

11. Have Rob Campbell mysteriously disappear from the mission, and allow the contestants to figure the rest out on their own.

12. Have them start a fight with the rollerbladers from Avenue D to give the world a vastly different perspective on rollerbladers.

13. Since it would be redundant to center the series around a menacing Forrest figure, Slap must find another anti-hero for us to rally around. If they are interested in obtaining the respect of the New York skateboard market, it should be a tortured partyboy figure who takes cabs to spots by himself while everyone else travels together, doesn’t talk to anyone, still manages to do the best trick in four tries and then sits in corner drinking ice coffee while everyone else skates. Naturally, his end-of-the-day interviews will be given while he’s texting on an iPhone, and half-answering the questions.

13B. There needs to be a white guy who wears du-rags and tall tees.

14. This is New York, nobody will care about the kid who does a cab flip into the Courthouse Drop. We’ll all be rooting for the kid who’s techest trick is a backside lipslide.

15. “What did you do last night?” should be emphasized more than “How did you feel about your skating today?” at end-of-the-day interviews. The quality of skating should be weighed in favor of how big they went the night before, e.g. a good day of skating after a 5 A.M. night counts for more than a great day of skating for a participant who stayed in, watched skate videos, and went to sleep at 11:30.

16. Forrest claims he mostly remembered the burritos from last year’s One in a Million. New York has several advantages over California, but Mexican food isn’t one of them. We have “Spanish food.” Chances are, some kid will be sitting there in his follow-up interview talking about how he mostly remembers the papas rellenas.

17. Since all reality shows date back to The Real World, Slap should consider a Mad Real World format, where one sheltered kid from the midwest is forced to live in a house full of goons for a week.

18. Have them stay on Staten Island or in Newark, for no real reason. (Or…the Jersey Shore.)

19. No vans. Unless they want to do an episode about sitting on the FDR for two hours.

20. Spend a day taking contestants around to “real” New York spots (cellar doors into cobblestones, scraps of concrete over grate gaps, basically the most insane things you could find) and see how long it takes them to figure out that none of these are actually spots.

Hilarious! Only because it’s so true. If Slap doesn’t consider these criteria, they are fools! If they follow it, verbatim, they will get much love in NY. And the rest of the world will see how much of a picnic it is/isn’t here.