A blog about life, love or the lack thereof and the never-ending process of becoming emotionally healthy. Enjoy!

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Month: October 2011

I am going to apologize in advance for this blog post…it is going to be long and convoluted as I am mixing updates with rants and vents…I want to update you guys but I need to get the thoughts and feelings up off of me at the same time…hopefully it comes across as somewhat coherent and not just a messy pile of bitchiness. So I am asking you to please bear with me and try to follow along.

Sister Someone…what can I say about this chick I have not said before? What can I do with her short of smacking her silly in hopes it jars her brain cells loose? You guys know Sister Someone is the alternate personality of an existing Panel member (trust me, they are night and day) and I swear, SS is going to get them both kicked off the Panel. She is lucky Morning Person is reminding us that Panel members are for life and we stick with each other through thick, thin and incredible bouts of stupidity…and if SHE weren’t enough, she has to drag that dammed Brother Everything with her everywhere!

I am not sure where to begin this update…there are two incidents that stand out more than anything and while I will do my best to tell you guys everything, you really had to see it to believe it. That’s how mind boggling they are. Okay, so the first incident happened soon after the layoff…it was a Sunday and I needed to take my last few dollars and get some stocks and provisions to keep my household running for a little while at least. My plan was to go up to my neighborhood CVS, but Sister Someone suggested we go to Wal-Mart together…she would pick me up but we had to go to Kohl’s first….she had coupons and needed to pick up some things there. It sounded good to me (I Heart Wal-Mart) and we made plans to meet at my place at 12:30pm on Sunday; she actually did not show up until 2pm and said she had to make a stop before hitting the Kohl’s. Not a problem and we made small talk as we drove down the beltway; part of the small talk was me telling her about a recent dream I had had about him…another vivid dream that somehow started out with me meeting SS/BE at a Starbucks and ended with him and I having a heart to heart in the Island’s parking garage of all places. In the dream I was barefoot and him was saying all I wanted/needed him to say (about 6 months ago I needed/wanted to hear it) and I was standing firm with my resolve and extremely high levels of self-everything. Then I asked Sister Someone her opinion on the entire dream.

THIS chick damn near ran us off the road, screaming that the dream meant I was going to be pregnant by Brother Everything (something about being barefoot when I saw him/them in the Starbucks…and remember, this was all in the dream) and if I EVER slept with BE, she would hurt me. I would have to go far, far away (like where UTA lives, far away) and NEVER return…I told her to get a grip on herself. NO ONE was sleeping with Brother Everything, no one WANTED to sleep with that man and frankly, I have no idea WHY either of them were in my dream and given that HIM was in my dream, begging for a reconciliation…connect the dots and tell me what I wanted her opinion on, please? It took her a few minutes but she did get herself together, calmed down and when she tried to offer some sort of an apology, I told her to simply forget it…it was obvious this chick was smoking something that had her hearing colors and seeing sounds and this was best left as a conversation that never happened…just don’t get me killed as I had to watch Desperate Housewives that night. So we are driving along and she stops at a McDonalds; she whips out her cell phone and calls Brother Everything and asks him what he wants to eat. So her stop on our way to a day of shopping was to feed Brother Everything who lives even further away than I do; I am pretty much staring at her, completely flabbergasted. She drove 30 miles to my house and we are going at least another 10 miles to get to his house to take him some… McDonalds. Unbelievable! So she gets his food, we drive to his place (or rather his mama’s place), drop off the food and leave. Seriously, he came outside, spoke to us both, grabbed his food and went back in the house. No thank you, no small talk, no nothing…and then we were on our way.

Shopping was shopping, I suppose. I noticed Sister Someone was all over clearance racks looking for things for herself and her son, but when we passed through the men’s department, she saw not one but TWO shirts, NOT on clearance and she said Brother Everything would look so good in both of them and she WANTED him to have them…and she bought them on the spot. Of course, this involved another tip back to his house and along the way this time (we still had not hit the Wal-Mart) she stopped off to get herself a burrito from Chipolte. When we arrived back at Brother Everything’s, she called him to come out as she had a surprise for him…he came out, grabbed the bag, held up the shirts and this time DID say thank you…then asked to taste her burrito, and after taking two huge bites, declared SS did not need it, and took his shirts and her dinner back inside. And THEN we went to Wal-Mart.

Which brings me to the incident that led to the second incident…somewhere along the line Brother stated to Sister he was moving out…he needed his own space and it was time…except when he told her he had found a place, he said he would be moving in with ANOTHER woman. The man claims it is an old family friend, but no one believes that. My question to him is…where do you find these chicks? So, no one knows who this chick is or where he found her but I suspect all those weekends Brother Everything was ignoring Sister Someone’s phone calls and text messages, all the last minute cancellations and no-shows were when he found the time to cultivate this new relationship. Well, needless to say, SS was/still is devastated…how could he do this to her? She loved him and was offering him the world on a platter…except she let her love for him blind her to the fact that this dude simply did not love her…hell, we are unsure if he even likes her. Unlike Girlfriend and myself who were bombarded with mixed signals and men who (at least initially) pursued us, SS/BE has been a one person show from the beginning. She is the one who pursued him, she is the one offering up obscene amounts of money, opening her home to this man, cooking for him, buying him clothes…basically being a wife without a ring or a vow. Brother Everything uses her and takes advantage of her and has told her to her face that he is doing so. He tells her repeatedly that they will never be anything other than occasional fuck buddies and after her last stunt with the chomping at the bit incident, they can’t even be that. Okay, so now Sister Someone is all hurt and heartbroken and she is DONE. She is going to embark on her own Dating Game…she says she sees now that Brother Everything is offering nothing but misery and she wants, needs and deserves better.

Chef, Cuz, Oscar and I listened to her…none of us believed her though…but she proved us wrong. She got a date and I am beginning to think it really is her. Her date is a guy I am going to call The Floater….he has been in and out of Sister Someone’s life for over 15 years now, and they have never pursued anything romantic or sexual. He says he wants to with her, but all he does is use her financially and for her material offerings and then he floats away, only returning when he is need again…and that can be anywhere from 2 weeks to 2 years. And every time, she takes him back and gives him what he wants only to watch him float away again. Not sure how the date came about…all I know is at some point in the past 2 months, Sister Someone gave Floater almost $400 towards getting his car repaired; while the car was in the shop, he borrowed one of her cars and ran the gas out of it and of course, has not even attempted a repayment of the money. Perhaps the date was payment for the money, which Sister is insistent was a loan. This chick REALLY irks my nerves with that…for her female friends, who are there for her when these asswipes use her up and toss her aside like Kleenex, she has NOTHING…no lunch money, no rides anywhere…seriously, if Brother Everything had not wanted something to eat, the shopping trip would have never happened. I know I am completely off topic here, but sometimes I want to shake her and tell to wake the hell up! I want her to open her eyes and find her self-esteem and self-respect and stop catering to men, especially gold digging (not just for women), selfish and self centered men who cannot even be bothered to give her the little bit of time and attention she requests. These men treat her worse than they do the dog crap on the bottom of their shoe and for them…this chick has everything in the world and what she does not have, she will beg, borrow and steal to get it.

Okay, rant over…again, not sure how the date came about, but Floater told her that if she expected him to pay, to expect McDonalds as he was broke. Oh, and they would be using her car with him driving. And she went for it as evidenced by her requesting I baby-sit for her on a Saturday night. I refused….I was not busy or had plans, but for real, SS is no one’s friend and she is only here with us because of her alter ego and the fact that the Panel is like Survivor in reverse…you can get voted onto the island, but no one is voted off. If you want to be a dating single mom, that’s fine, but realize that it comes with a price tag and no one is providing free daycare on a constant basis…I don’t give a damn if all I do is just smoke a cigarette butt naked in my house…I am giving up time out of my day and life so you can go and live yours sans child. Stay single and childless if you want to lead a single person’s life….and that sounds really horrible but I have no idea how to say it without it sounding horrible. Of course I did not couch my thoughts in those words exactly and damnedsure did not say them that way, but perhaps I should have as this chick showed up at my doorstep Saturday evening with her son, Floater (and really, WHY did you bring a man to my place when you know how I am prone to be in my house, alone? Naked, possibly with porn and/or a playmate….who knows when it comes to me and idle time) and some McDonalds…she pretty much handed me the food, sat the child on the floor and was back out the door before I could blink twice…the kid and I just looked at each other for a few minutes, ate in silence and finally wrapped our brains around what had just happened.

But the kid and I got over it and ended up having a (dare I say ) great time. I recruited my neighbor’s son for a play date and toys, put on kid friendly programming (Muppets Take Manhattan, Tangled and Toy Story 3), the neighbor made popcorn and she and I had a really good conversation while the boys played fairly and pretty quietly for little boys. My cousin dropped by and played toilet paper football with the kids and it turned out that when Sister Someone returned, we were all like…already? And apparently, our evening was better than hers…she ate the chicken wing and fried rice special from a ghetto Chinese carryout while he drove the gas out of her car. I also found out that when they barged in on me (I was Craigslisting actually), Floater asked Sister Someone why was I on that site…..now, unsure why he asked her that question, but really, it is none of his business and to barge in on me with no warning and wonder what I am doing in the privacy of my home is downright rude to me. Floater further impressed me as when Sister Someone left, she offered to take down the trash…and she was carrying the trash bag, a box of trash, her purse, and her son’s hand while Floater offered to hold her car keys. Really, dude?

Okay, I am going to stop this update/rant/vent here because I could go on and on about this chick and her subsequent two dates…I will tell you guys all about them in another post…just know that Brother Everything has yet to move in with the other chick (something about that not working out) and is still getting breakfast on a platter every morning and Floater has not returned a call or text since their romantic night out. Enjoy your day and I will be back sooner than later.

Okay, so in the last post, I told you guys all about my professional plans and how they had to bow down to a greater Plan…delayed unemployment and no easy way out this time around. I also promised to tell you guys about the Dating Game process and how that was working out. Well, since nothing or no one seems to be intervening on that front, we are proceeding as planned there….and it is a dismal failure. What the hell ever happened to :”seek and ye shall find“? And then I had my light bulb moment and placed a second online ad for the mutually beneficial arrangement; so I now have two different ads (one for dating, one for mutually beneficial) on two different sites. For the dating game, I have tapped a few Panel members for their input on this project: Chef, Quiet One, Girlfriend (she has returned!), Cuz, Oscar and UTA. Seeking quality men for dating is an exhausting process and add in the fact that the search is being conducted online….well, you need your friends, some vitamins for energy and lots and lots of tolerance.

The mutually beneficial arrangement search I conducted single-handedly…mostly due to the fact I am conflicted about resorting to this. I am a walking contradiction: on one hand, I say I am okay with selling myself yet on the other I say it makes me sound horrible and cheap to see three guys within a 4 hour period. I think my issue is I am okay with one guy treating me to fancy dinners and assisting me with bills but to put myself out there with more than one guy is reminiscent of behaviors of a person I used to be. I am not proud of that person and to resurrect her can be viewed as a regression. Please know while I may do foolish things, I am not a fool. I realize the risks involved with this and am taking every precaution. I live in a secure building, parties shall be frisked to ensure there are no weapons, it is taking place on my turf and someone will be notified when the person enters and exits the apartment. I am not dealing with younger men period and if a person is not understanding the ad, they are not the ones for me. Not looking for a ton of men…three was the limit. Protection shall be on hand but I don’t have anyone wanting the full monty…most men looking for this type of arrangement are looking for intimacy and making out…they want to be wanted again and that does not always involve full blown anything. Girlfriend has stated she will need earmuffs and eyemuffs should I choose to share details of this particular adventure, but I do not have it being that risqué. Hell, I could spend Wednesday sitting in here by myself reading cancellation emails. That is not an exaggeration…this is online dating/hookups and this is where instant gratification has learned all it knows. You have to move fast here or get lost in the shuffle and by agreeing to accept the assignment, I put myself in the hole. My big thing now is to know whether or not to just forego the “appointment day” and start again fresh once the assignment has ended.

So pretty much the ads have the same prerequisites: respectful, intelligent, humorous, drug and disease free. The only differences are for the dating game, you have to be single and have no expectations; for the mutually beneficial arrangement, your status is unimportant and all limits must be respected by both parties. I have been sorting through ad after ad (remember, 70 responses alone for the mutually beneficial arrangement) and there have been some standouts that I just have to share, so please join me in my disbelief.

Crazy Asian: This dude had me wondering which ad he had responded to….turns out he responded to the dating game ad but I would never have known. His suggestion for a first date was to come to my place at 9pm on a work night, have crazy rabbit sex and then he spend the night and head to work from my place. Really? I told him I was not looking to be sexual off the bat and if it progressed that far, still not looking for overnight company. His rebuttal was that I was too far away via metro and he was reluctant to travel so far only to have to leave a “comfortable situation” and go back home. He says he is 30, successful and looking for a chill hangout partner (yet, you want sex to be the date…no food, no movies, no conversation…sex in my bed and me allowing you to spend the night, invade my space and upset my routine) but when I saw him…he looked like Jackie Chan’s grandfather. I could find nothing redeeming about him on any level and doubtful I would embark on anything with him regardless of price and/or promises.

English as a Second Language: This dude responded to my mutually beneficial ad. He seemed sweet and sincere and looked like Tattoo from Fantasy Island. He was also from Bolivia and could not speak or write coherent English. He pronounced Rhode Island as North Iceland. He was also 5 feet tall, exactly…talk about a gnat on an elephant’s ass. He lives approximately 50 miles outside of DC and with his unfamiliarity of both DC and the English language, I have him being more trouble than it was worth.

Jail Bait: He responded to the Dating Game ad and Bell Pepper said I need to put him to bed by 8pm with warm milk and a bedtime story. Oscar says to send him her way as her son needs a new playmate. Seriously, the only things missing were his Transformers backpack and matching lunchbox and it could have been a school picture. Girlfriend asked how old he was and I am here to say it never dawned on me to ask….one look at that baby face and I KNEW that was so not happening. I am already a convicted felon…no need being a sex offender on top of all that….and he is not the only one. I had another one who looked like middle school was the next big thing on the horizon. Maybe it is cougar season?.

Creepy Dude: He sent two pictures, one with a shirt on and one with his shirt off. He had crazy scary eyes and I told him point blank he looked like he would rape and kill me. UTA sighed, wondering why guys think a tough guy stance is so sexy…it isn’t. Major turn off and the other weird thing was he would not/could not answer any questions I asked him. All I could get out of him was his age, that he thought I was sexy and he wanted a date Tuesday or Wednesday. No time, no agenda. Oh, and he answered the Dating Game ad.

Ghetto Brother: This dude was an idiot out.the.gate. He responded to the mutually beneficial ad by saying: “send me more pictures and your address. We will meet at 8.”Dude, hell no. I have no idea who you are, what you look like…and it is my ad. I already put a picture out there of myself (body shot, but still it is a picture) and you need to reciprocate if you want more. He comes back with my picture could be fake, photoshopped or an image from the internet. I was completely floored by that statement…seriously, with all the images one could pilfer and put out there, who would pretend to be the fat chick? THEN he comes back again demanding my address. I told him to forget it and then he sends a picture….and all I could see of him was his hand and the pinstripes on his shirt…everything else was blacked out. I told him he had to be freaking kidding and to go find another ad, another chick. Then he starts with the spiel about being rich ( $500K/year), owning 2 houses that are each over 6,000 square feet, being fit, handsome, divorced, lonely and also he is an officer in the military who owns some businesses. He is a good brother, just lonely and horny and I could be law enforcement and he wanted us to meet and talk at my place and iron out the details. Okay, even if he weren’t a fool and a demanding asshole, all details must be ironed out before meeting anywhere; I told him again that I was not interested and wished him good luck in whoever/whatever he was looking for. This idiot came back one last time asking me did I have any family members or friends who may be interested in him for either a one night stand or a long term relationship….as if one would refer an online, idiotic asshole.

Silverware: This dude is a little shorter and a little chubbier than the rest, and the pseudonym is a play on his last name. He is also apparently happily married and has an active and frequent sex life with his wife. So what does he want with me? He says he is seeking a respectful arrangement of which generosity will be a part with an open-minded, uninhibited woman. He is Wednesday’s 10am and if he shows up, I will be surprised. I Ihave a confirmation email out here to him and his response (or lack of) will tell the story. I do not think he is a game player or flakier than a biscuit but I just don’t see anyone straying and being generous doing so when there is no need.

Construction Worker: I knew this dude was too good to be true….he was my noon appointment and he has already cancelled and has nixed a reschedule. He was tall, good looking and we actually had lunch twice and have shared a kiss. He answered the dating ad, but when he heard of my layoff, offered generosity as well. He offered to see me twice a week and would give me an allowance of $125/week. He is twice divorced, and while he never said he was attached, I think he is as he offered lunchtime meetings. We emailed constantly for a week and we both felt something in that kiss…I am not sure if it was chemistry or I just miss kissing, but he raved about that kiss for two days straight. We had easy conversations and he told me as long as we were seeing each other, he would see no one else. Then he went out of town over the weekend and emailed Monday to say he was not ready to offer himself up emotionally or financially to someone just yet and it was best if we did not attempt to reschedule. I wished him good luck and pretty much I have made plans to just go into the office and try this arrangement thing again at a later date.

The Husband: I have no idea what else to call him. He is quiet, soft spoken and very much understanding of a mutually beneficial arrangement. He thinks I am wonderful and funny and he wants a long term thing with me. He says he can give me everything but a ring and weekends. He can meet mornings, afternoons and evenings. We can go out on real dates and we do not even have to consummate our arrangement until I am ready and comfortable in doing so. He is the 2pm and I think he will show up….I am not quite sure because he is a little computer illiterate and forgets to check his emails at times but has promised to check at least 4 times a day if I agree to enter the arrangement with him. Hell, I may reschedule this one since he can meet in the evenings and make sure I make some money on Wednesday by taking my ass to work.

And there are many others that I am not even going to elaborate on: The Business Owner who wants me to work part time for him AND be his arrangement on the side (I have that being too dangerous as his wife works the business with him…we can do one or the other but not both); The Are We There Yet Dude who asks 50, 000 questions a minute…I finally told him to STOP.TALKING.; The Fugly Dude who did not understand I was simply no longer available and the list goes on….so now that my head is hurting and I am finally realizing that my plans for anything are just not working out and maybe this is a good time to exercise patience as best I can, it is time to turn to another topic… so in my next post, I will catch you guys up on Sister Someone and Brother Everything…I swear, I am going to franchise those two…the blog version of a spin off.

I blog about hopes and dreams and wishes. Did you know I have plans, also? One would never know I do as they never materialize, but yes, I have/make plans. A plan is a scheme or method which will bring to fruition a specific goal or definite purpose, if executed properly. Whatever. Plans are what you make that get all mucked up, raked over and just make God laugh. Very rarely do they manifest themselves the way you envisioned…or at least that is how it works for me.

Five years ago, if you had asked me what my plans were, they were simple: stay at the Island until retirement, date around until I found someone I could see myself with for the long haul and take a vacation once a year. Of course, none of that panned out. There was the layoff, then him and I took everything to an untold of level and we know how that turned out and all I know of a vacation these days is how to spell it. I am not going to say it was all bad…the layoff gave me the opportunity to put government (both state and federal) experience on my resume and the time spent with him and the subsequent breakup has me knowing what I want from the relationship and my partner and what I will no longer settle for, but with the recent layoff and newfound emotional healing, I needed to formulate plans to make it through.

Professionally/financially, the plan was unemployment while I did a job search. Well, unemployment came through but via DC and that was NOT in the plan. DC jumped all over the fact that I owe them $1,482 (you can read about that fiasco here) and commenced to garnishing the entire check until the debt is repaid. I am totally like: seriously?? Even the feds leave you with some income! So, modifications to the plan had to be made…the job search became two-fold…a fulltime job (either permanent or long term contract) AND something under the table such as babysitting or housecleaning that would allow some dollars to come into my household. I would be flat broke for at least 4 weeks and I just cannot survive with zero dollars.

THIS is when I had a lightbulb moment, and no, it is not my shining hour but another characteristic of people who indulge in instant gratification on a regular basis is their ability to adapt and survive. My bright idea was I would also look online for a generous gentleman interested in pursuing a mutually beneficial relationship. If you don’t know what it is, try looking it up via urban dictionary or google; if you do know what that is, don’t judge and don’t hate. Only thing with the lightbulb plan is that men play games constantly, no matter what is involved. I got guys playing dumb about what I was looking for; I got guys who made plans only to cancel at the last minute; I got guys who wanted to see nudie pics and demanded my address. Out of 70 responses, I found 3 viable candidates and made plans to meet with them on different days beginning the following week.

Okay, so are you with me so far? I have a modified plan in place that, if all went well, would net me at least $300 for less than 2 hours worth of work all told. And the phone rang Monday morning…it was the temp agency with an assignment! Seriously?? A week long assignment and they wanted me to start immediately. News flash: I HAD an assignment (only I could term what I was planning to do an assignment), not to mention that it was almost 10am and it was time for my mid-morning nap…for some odd reason, ever since I got laid off, I was waking up at like 5am and staying awake until 10 or so and napping until about 1 in the afternoon. So of course, my first thought was no, I am not working the assignment, especially after hearing what the salary was.

However, I applied the brakes….I thought about deferred gratification and seeing the big picture so I told the temp agency I had just woken up and needed to make some phone calls and would get back with them within 20 minutes; I lit a cigarette and I thought. Like most everything, the assignment had advantages and disadvantages….biggest disadvantage was that it would delay when I actually began receiving my UI check. The only bright spot in DC usurping the entire check was that no taxes were taken out and it would take about 4-5 weeks to pay off the debt. It was a foregone conclusion that working the assignment would pay more than unemployment and each week I worked, the UI would be deferred…and if the UI is deferred, so are the payments. But it would only be deferred by one more week and I could re-schedule the *ahem* appointments to the following week. The biggest advantage was that I honestly did not have a choice. When you are receiving unemployment, one of the weekly questions they ask is were you ready, able and willing to work, so by NOT taking the assignment, I would once again find myself in hot water and maybe receiving no benefits, so I took the assignment.

Everything was smooth…the office was pretty easy to get to via train or bus, it was a laid back (that my not even begin to cover it) office with pleasant people and the responsibilities were minimal. Except they liked me and wanted to know about my admin experience and my writing skills and then they asked was I available for at least another 3 weeks. Okay, holdup…this was a one week assignment and I had appointments…I need the dollars those men were offering and any additional time spent working meant additional payments being deferred. SO not in the modified plan! I had to think quickly on my feet and while I knew I had to say yes to keep things cool with the unemployment folks, I am going to get those fast and easy dollars…I told them I was under the impression it was only a week long assignment and had scheduled some appointments the following Wednesday. This group did not miss a beat…that was fine…they could provide coverage for that day, as long as I could be there for them for at least the next three weeks. Win-win.

And this is where my making plans has gotten me…working a temp assignment that could (or could not) actually turn into something longer term and seeing my dates on Wednesday at 10am, noon and 2pm. Yeah, it sounds horrible and cheap but I will have some much needed quick cash and with the continuing assignment, something steady coming in for at least a month. I will have to be frugal and budget carefully, but for the moment, no more plans. Apparently, Higher Power and Universe have their own Plan and that is the one that will be executed, not mine.

I will tell you guys all about the dating game and the potential mutually beneficial dates in the next blog post. Until then enjoy your day!

This is my 200th blog post. WOO-HOO! It is a milestone, an achievement and something I never thought in a million years I would be doing and actually following through with. Remember, it started as a form of therapy so I could get the feelings out and work with myself and my Panel to see what went wrong, what part I played, and I am more than happy to report that absolutely NONE of this was my fault and I shoulder NO blame. Okay, so maybe we need to work on honesty a little. This blog also serves as my lesson plan as I need to know what I can do to prevent this from happening with the next guy…and you know there will be a next guy. It may not seem like it, or feel like it….but there will be. One day.

The blog was also a suggestion from both Oscar and Artsy Craftsy to prevent me from hounding and harassing him when the fiasco first began …THAT idea failed miserably. I can now admit I was wrong (not much, though) in that capacity…I just wanted him to hurt as much I did. I wanted his life interrupted and every time the pain hit me and I could not catch my breath and the tears would just fall, I wanted it to happen to him. Except I’m not the one who will hurt him as much as him hurt me….it took a lot of talking and explaining on behalf of the Panel to get me to understand that and it took a lot of tears for me to accept that, but I have.

I have learned a lot from this experience….and that is all this is: a life lesson. A hurtful one to be sure, but that only ensures it will be a lifetime lesson as well. Two things I will keep with me from this: you cannot make the same mistake twice: the second time, it is no longer a mistake, it is a choice. And the second thing: your life is made up of your choices. So I am asking everyone to bear with me, stick with me and help me make appropriate choices. Help me continue to
heal and get better. I am riding this out until the process is complete or I get a new man…whichever comes first, and would love to have you along with me.

200 blog posts later, I/we have made so much progress…the healing has begun; I am feeling and looking like a normal human being, not whatever the heartbreak had turned me into; I think I am getting better mentally and emotionally and I want to thank everyone involved: the Panel (they can never get enough accolades); my mother and my sister; the people I have met along the way (so far) and the one who stuck around (UTA) and you….the readers. It is true, this blog is about my experiences and thoughts, the Panel’s drama and random, quirky things but I am not sure I would have the courage and energy to keep coming back time after time to put it out there for others to read if I did not know someone, somewhere was also reading and hopefully sympathizing, understanding and relating. Maybe I am helping someone through their own heartbreak; maybe I am teaching by example (you can learn from bad examples as well as good ones) or maybe I just have someone shaking their head and thankful that it’s me and not them. Whatever the reason, if someone wasn’t reading, I would no longer write; so another thank you for motivating me to do a positive and constructive activity and I look forward to seeing where the next 200 posts find me/us.

I will be back with the posts I promised you on Sister Someone, breast cancer, Halloween, Dating Game contestants (have mercy!) and I have a wild hair up my ass about making plans for some reason so that is now on the agenda. Again, THANK YOU for helping me make it to Post #200 and enjoy your day!

This is a blog post I found very difficult to write. Usually, when I find posts difficult to write, I know I am discovering/revealing something about myself (more than likely a flaw or defect) that I have grown comfortable with or I am facing a truth and once you reveal the truth, you no longer have excuses to hide behind. Once you have revealed the truth and/or a defect about yourself, you have to change because really, who wants to remain defective?

Today’s revelation/truth concerns gratification. Who does not want gratification, defined as a pleasurable state of satisfaction brought about by satisfying desires or humoring inclinations and/or feelings? I know I love gratification and mine takes many forms as I am sure yours does also: shopping, money (preferably in large, lump sum amounts), eating, fulfilling a goal or dream…even sex. I remember when I was fresh in recovery, my idea of gratification was to be a “real woman”…in other words, the woman who got men to leave their wives or girlfriends instead of being the girl who was always left. I know it sounds strange and messed up, but seriously, what else can you expect from the emotionally unhealthy? But after some therapy, some growing, two failed relationships (or whatever they were) and friends unafraid to tell me when I am just being flat out stupid…I finally know what will gratify me on all fronts: stability, consistency and mutual respect/appreciation. I may be wrong (I have been before) but I think if I have those 3 (or is it 4) things in play personally and professionally, the rest of all that gratifies me will fall into place.

There are two types of gratification: instant and deferred and they can best be described as hindsight and foresight. Instant gratification is pretty self explanatory…you want it immediately, this instant and not now, but RIGHT NOW. People who indulge in instant gratification on a regular basis are said to suffer from lack of impulse control and are more likely to become addicted to behaviors and/or substances. It is no wonder so many of us indulge our need for instant gratification as we are living in an age of instant everything…if you are stressed or in pain, we pop a pill to make it go away. If it does not work in a certain amount of time, we pop another one. We can pour a drink large enough to erase the entireday away. We keep indulging until we get our desired result. Who sends letters via regular mail anymore other than bill collectors? We do emails and when that got too slow, we began instant messaging to be even more in “real time”. No one talks…we text, we tweet. Cell phones allow us to reach a person no matter where in the world they are….I think I can count 5 Panel members who still have a land line telephone and I am one of them. People who indulge in instant gratification tend to be narrow minded and not see the big picture, only what is directly in front of them and are blind to the consequences of such indulgences until it is too late and by then, all we can do is clean up the mess or try to make do with what scraps are leftover. We have all indulged in instant gratification personally, professionally, financially and in so many other areas of our lives….maybe you called it “spur of the moment” or “I HAD to have it” or maybe it was a once in a lifetime opportunity that miraculously came back around again and you just could not chance losing out on it. Instant gratification is most often observed in children, so maybe those of us who indulge in it on a regular basis have simply never grown up.

Deferred gratification is practiced by those who have the foresight to see the big picture and to know that what is right in front of them is not all there is. It is said that people who practice deferred gratification have will power, self control, are apt to be more psychologically better adjusted, successful in their adult lives and are also found to be emotionally intelligent/healthy. So now that I feel lower than a snake’s belly as that is so not me, I can tell you I am not one to practice deferred gratification but I do know people who do and they are the savers, the planners, the one who are prepared for whatever life throws their way. They are the ones who have healthy, happy relationships and who go into work when they don’t feel like it and who work longer and harder without complaint because they have their eyes on a bigger prize. They don’t want a slice of the pie, they want the whole pie and know what they have to do to get it and they also know that a pie takes longer than one thinks to bake.

I want to say the bridge to cross over from indulging in instant gratification to practicing deferred gratification is called Patience. Patience is not waiting…hell, you are going to wait whether you want to or not, but it is what you do with the down time that defines patience. Patience is quiet, steady perseverance; it is an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay and the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper or irritation. No wonder people attribute this virtue to Saints because I just do not think this sinner can handle that. Patience requires a lot of hard work, attitude adjustments and for me, it will require further change. I have indulged in instant gratification all my life…it has cost me jobs, relationships and led me down the path of addiction. Hell, my mama will tell you that has always been my problem…my need for instant gratification. But I have to change this way of thinking and this behavior as it has done nothing but leave me broke, broken hearted , homeless and always figuring out what happened after the fact. I am taking myself up on my own challenge to make this wrong right and make it work for me instead of against me. There is saying: you want what I have but are willing to do what I did? And yes, I am ready to walk in another’s footsteps and maybe even their shoes because I want for everything to not be a crisis or a storm….I want it to be a rainfall for which I have had the foresight to pack an umbrella to shelter me. So to answer the question in the title of the post: I choose later….I have had enough of the now.

I am working on the post about instant gratification, but in true instant gratification style, I had to get these words out of my head and onto a computer screen as soon as possible. Thoughts are swirling around in my head with no clear direction, emotions are trying to bubble up and it is all my fault as I knew this would happen.

I blogged a lot in the beginning about being soft hearted when it comes to him, having a huge heart when it comes to him, how we could never stay angry with each other. I have blogged that I wanted to see him but was conflicted because what if him is MY him when I look at him? What if the chemistry and attraction would still be there and below the surface everything was still the same? What if the little piece of hope and love that is reserved for him sparked up and I just fell into a mass of tears and apologies? See, I know some things about myself and I knew if I were able to see for myself that the Islanders were not exaggerating about his look, I would start feeling all sorry for him and want to reach out and help and what happened? I saw pretty much the worst picture ever ( it really was not a great photo) of him and caught just a glimpse of what everyone has been talking about and then I am having sympathy for the devil and wanting to resurrect a friendship and pretty much ready to blow the process all to hell, simply because I am feeling sorry for a grown man who I now say is still a good guy, he just did a fucked up thing. Except (and this is what I conveniently forgot), he did the fucked up thing to ME and forgiveness or no, he needs to stay where he is.

THIS is the reason I have a Panel….in good times and bad, I tend to run all over the place emotionally when it comes to men I give my heart to, and with men who are just passing through (think Nebraska and Tike) I go overboard in my people pleasing in an effort to keep them happy and seeing me in a positive light when for real, all they see in me is a lay….pretty much, all the way around I am exerting full time efforts into part-time gigs. It took a long talk with Morning Person to help me realize that I am taking the sympathy I feel and tying it to the him I knew before the fiasco. I am resurrecting chemistry and attraction for a man who honestly will no longer exist for me. See, I am changing and evolving and I really am different now. I am a pretty smart cookies sometimes, but emotionally I am my own worst enemy as I think I can just step in and despite all that has happened, him will be filled with remorse and different and I will be all forgiveness and light and different and we will be able to resume our friendship as if nothing ever happened. Unfortunately, that is a pipe dream as the friendship I held with him was negatively compromised and the negative dynamics are still in play. I could use Fun One as an argument but that is comparing apples and oranges…I was never intimate with Fun One, I never gave him my heart and yes, he did betray my trust…hell, I said out of my own mouth that our friendship is not the same, but as long as we respect the boundaries and he continues to earn my trust, things can be salvaged. Probably not what it was, but a different sort of friendship that could be just as beneficial and nurturing.

That will not happen with him….I gave him so much of myself and overcame so much to freely be with him, I will never understand how he cannot realize that what he did was flat out wrong. When I see for myself that I am the only one who has changed and grown, I won’t stick around to try and make it work. I put forth too much effort for it not to be reciprocated and now that I know what him is capable of….trust can never be rebuilt. The friendship I had with him is as dead as the relationship we shared, and I need to work further on me. I will say this and it is a check in the positive column for me….not once did it cross my mind that I wanted to reach out because I loved him; it was simply because I felt sorry for him. Being completely objective, the man does look like an old piece of crap but hey, him is still married so maybe healthy and happy do not always equal looking good. It may not be a big thing to some people, but to me…it is a freaking miracle for love of him/loving him to not enter the picture. And yes, it is fine to feel sympathy for others but I cannot save the world. I can barely save myself….trust and believe, I am standing on a foundation that is supported by a lot of people…people who were there when he caused me so much hurt and pain, people who were there when I thought the tears would never stop falling, people who are here now to cheer me on and remind me of just how much progress I have made in a year. So if it is all I can do to save myself, how do I think I can save the man who put me here?

In an effort to help me move past this obstacle of sympathy (and really, did him have ANY for me?), my Panel is going to do the one thing they swore they would never do: they are going to lie to me. IF him has to be mentioned, they will tell me how happy and healthy him is as it is apparent only in an underdog state does he get my sympathy. So far, Morning Person, Cuz and Oscar are going along with the new plan. When I told Quiet One why we had to do this, she said she does not lie but she will try to remember to do so and Chef said he would just bite his tongue until blood filled his mouth. The rest of the Panel will not even mention him’s name. On my end, I will stop them dead in their tracks if they should mention him in their gossip or ranting and despite what I have seen and heard, I will continue to believe him in that he is healthier and happier than he has been in his entire life.

I want to say I have wasted two days blogging about some hare-brained scheme but it was neither hare-brained nor a scheme and definitely not wasted. After all, when is it a bad thing to want to help someone regardless of how they have treated you? This has shown me that the process is not done and there are more obstacles and emotions that need to be addressed, put into perspective and overcome. I am thankful that this lesson was not hurtful/painful and I am open-minded enough to talk these things out with those more knowledgeable than myself and smart enough to listen and take the advice the first time around.

So now that we have successfully cleared another hurdle on the path to emotional healthiness (YAY, Us!!!), I am going to celebrate with a steak and cheese sandwich and a hot shower. I will be back before the weekend is over with the post on instant gratification and this month I will also be doing posts on breast cancer, Halloween, Dating Game contestants and an update on Sister Someone along with other topics . Stay tuned and enjoy your day!

I am on trial here…members of my Panel are all over me, yelling at me, questioning my judgment and my sanity and just being bitches. I really cannot or do not blame them. In my previous blog post I stated I wanted to rebuild a friendship with him. We all know what I have been through because of him and how I am struggling through this process and for me to even consideranything at all with that man….it has some of my friends shaking their heads.

The friends in question are Cuz, Chef and Mini-Me and I have to admit, their arguments are valid: the man committed the ultimate betrayal (I would not go so far as to say it was the ULTIMATE betrayal, but it was pretty fucked up); he has shown his true colors and obviously has no consideration of my feelings unless it benefits him; he has made his bed, let him lay in it…after all, your life is made up of your choices and he chose BTH and frankly, the man is simply unworthy and undeserving of me and anything I could/would offer him. The one question they each asked me was: WHY would I want anything with this man, on any level, ever again?

In my defense…..I simply stated I wanted to rebuild a friendship. I am open to it, but it won’t be now. Neither of us is in a place to even go there yet….wait, let me re-phrase that: I am not in a place or position to go there yet. I am still healing over but I am willing to forgive and forgive all of it. I have learned that forgiveness does not mean that what he did was okay and it does not mean that I have to let him in my life; forgiveness does not mean I have to forget but I do have to let the anger and hurt go. I am at a point where I no longer think of him every day, but when I do think of him….whoa, Nellie. I am at a point I no longer come up against the obstacles and brick walls that prevented me from wanting to move on. I know that however he treated me, however he perceived me does not define me. I see and hear that his choices may not have been the best ones he could have made and I am no longer wanting him to come back crying, telling me I am right and he was wrong. I just see that he needs a friend who will listen and encourage him, probably a hot meal and about 3 Big Macs.

I know what we had before he got his head turned and I honestly do miss that….of course the sex, but more than that….the talks, the secrets, the advice, conversations and laughter. I miss the jokes and the banter and just the smile he could put on my face. I miss his friendship and I think that is what angered more than anything….he took our friendship with him when he left. So now that I am at a point where I am willing to forgive and put all the ugliness behind me, maybe….just maybe, I could one day be at a point where I could be ready to reach out as a friend. A true friend filled only with a sincere desire to share a piece of his life again on a purely platonic level.

There are risks with that and also part of the reason I am not ready to put these words and feelings into action: the biggest risk of course is being flat out rejected, but I have resurrected a friendship before with Fun One and as much as I missed Fun One when we were estranged, our new friendship is simply not the same. I forgave him for the unemployment fiasco and I was able to put the hurt and pain of his betrayal (Artsy-Craftsy talked me through that one for a week straight) behind me but it is different for us. I know there are boundaries now and I am still working on trusting him with new news and information but our times together…I would not trade them for the world. He is funny, social, cultured and he takes me places I would never go to otherwise. The rest will fall into place as long as we both respect the boundaries

Fun One is the person who makes a statement Morning Person makes every so often make sense: when the BTH fiasco went down, Morning Person said him really feels he did not do me wrong with this treatment and lies. I am of the mindset of course him knows…he could not even look at me. According to Morning Person, him does not feel he handled anything in an inappropriate manner, but him knows I would view it that way and this was his way of avoiding unpleasantness….and this is how Fun One views the UI fiasco. Fun One did nothing wrong…I started the whole thing by even filing the claim in the first place. I don’t understand the reasoning but it is who he is.

And this is what I have learned via friendship and the process: people will never act or react the way you expect them to; we are all onions and layers run deep; and to plan and anticipate for pain the same way you plan and anticipate for pleasure. You either accept people for who and where they are or you don’t….the only change can come from you and the devil is never as black as he is painted. So today, yes, I am in a place where I am open to renewing a friendship with him, risks and all….just not yet.

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