Note: This is a seattlepi.com reader blog. It is not written or edited by the P-I. The authors are solely responsible for content. E-mail us at newmedia@seattlepi.com if you consider a post inappropriate.

The Fast Five Experience

IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN FAST FIVE AND DON’T WANT IT “SPOILED”, PLEASE DO NOT READ ON.

The Fast and the Furious franchise hit a whole new level with Fast Five. The plot for the new movie is simple: Dominic and his crew face another challenge. This time the crew is in Rio attempting to rip off a ruthless drug lord and escape the clutches of a Federal Agent.

This time the whole crew is back – Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Tyrese, Ludacris, Jordana Brewster, and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. I call them The Michael Jordan Baseball All-Star list of people who are better at doing something other than acting. There aren’t any “Oscar Nominated” people in this cast. A few Razzies, but no Oscars.

To enjoy this movie, one must ignore any laws of physics, logic, and take giant Incredible Hulk leaps of faith. Here a few thoughts I had. If you don’t want the movie “spoiled” please don’t read any further. I won’t be offended.

Mia is announces to O’Connor and Dominic that she’s pregnant. Great news except for the fact that she jumped from rooftop to rooftop, like a parkour pro, and fell through a metal roof 30 feet. Nobody at any point in the movie said “Hey Mia, you should sit this one out since you’re pregnant and all.” Nope. Not one person. I’m not sure a life on the run is the life for a young child. None of their cars even have baby seats in them.

No matter what country you’re in, all the underground racing scenes look the same. Every woman “dressed” in her best club attire and WAY more girls than guys.

The villain Reyes has the worst crop of bad guys I’ve seen in. Those bums couldn’t hit a single person. Why don’t these drug lords hire snipers? I would. It would be one of the first things I’d do. My friend Marcus made a very good point – all the villains in real life hire the best. The Yankees, Lakers, Cowboys, Miami Heat, Celtics, and the big bad corporations. They always get the best. How has this rule bypassed the drug lords of the world? I’d have the best hitmen money could buy. Low rent muscle is guaranteed to backfire at some point.

Dominic (Vin Diesel) looking Hobbs (The Rock) in his eyes is nothing but the magic of cinema. We all know Vin is about 5’7” and The Rock is an easy 6’4”. How is this possible? Another bit of movie magic: A Rock vs. Vin Diesel fight in real life would be about 15 seconds. In the movie it last about two minutes.

Paul Walker wins the award for Worst On-Camera Presence.

Hobbs was this buy-the-book Federal Agent who just wants to do his job and bust the bad guys. Why is he killing people? When he’s defending himself, it makes sense. At the end he puts two unnecessary shots in Reyes. Why? He couldn’t bust him and bring him in? I know he’s a Federal Agent but that’s still murder. Not to mention his team used excessive force the entire movie. After they shot the bad guys on the rooftop, they kept shooting them. The whole team was just muscles with guns running around Rio.

The streets are never crowded during high speed chases. Never.

How many shots of the Christ the Redeemer Statue did we have? I didn’t need a constant reminder that we were in Rio.

No matter what you learn in film school, you can bring characters back from the dead AND tell movies out of sequence. All you do is have your characters say it. That’s it. You can wipe your hands clean of any questions or concerns the audience may have.

Vin Diesel wins the award for Slowest Line Delivery in an Action or Comedy.

Dom falling for the policewoman at the end was so ridiculous and unnecessary. They made sexy eyes at each other the whole movie. At one point she’s wearing his $20 Piercing Pagoda necklace. Excuse ma’am, that’s evidence. Why are you wearing official police evidence on your neck? She somehow pops up with Dom at the end of the movie and they’re holding hands like a married couple. How did this happen? I need answers.

Jordana Brewster must have been bad. They couldn’t even show her throwing up? How do you mess up a puking scene?

If you’re going to have a life of grand theft auto, you must also use steroids too. It’s a requirement.

Vince’s death scene was not meant to be comical, but it was. He just sits there and holds his stomach and says, “You have to meet my son.” What? Hey Dom, there’s still time to get him to the hospital and save his life. There was no sense of urgency with his death. I thought those guys were friends

People on the run from the law always have the newest technology and clean looking clothes.

Some of the biggest yeah right moments were the buss rolling 8 times and nobody getting injured, jumping 250 ft out of a falling car, jumping onto a car at 80 mph, only one person taking one bullet the whole movie, Dominic knowing what a microchip was, The Rock teaming up with the crew, the policewoman falling in love with a fat neck Dominic after one conversation, the high speed chase with the vault attached to two cars with numerous sharp turns, Vin Diesel looking anyone in the eye.

How are these people able to just up and leave their lives and go to Brazil for a week? One phone call and they have enough cash to just buy a two-way ticket to Brazil? I just looked up ticket prices and the cheapest was $1600. Imagine your life how it is now and you abruptly leave out of the country for 7 days. You’d have 1,000 things to do before you left.

They spray The Rock down with water before every scene.

What exactly did ZiZi do? He may be the worst #2 bad guy of all time. He always showed up last minute after all the action with a scowl on his face. Again, low rage muscle is not the way to go. You should always pay good money for your goons. You get what you pay for.

Dom’s car somehow made it to Brazil. Not sure how many miles he can put on that thing.

Grade: B (if you like the movies) D (if you don’t)

Fast Five is a fun ride. They made an entire movie chalked full of action movie clichés, and it works. If you’re a fan of the movies, it may be something you want to check out. I would describe it as a good bad movie. There a so many leaps of faith that must be taken, the franchise might as well be a religion. It’s a movie that’s made for the fans and people who understand Fast Five is not The King’s Speech on wheels.

Note: This is a seattlepi.com reader blog. It is not written or edited by the P-I. The authors are solely responsible for content. E-mail us at newmedia@seattlepi.com if you consider a post inappropriate.