Three tortoises, Rodney, Derek and Gary, decide to go on picnic
Rodney packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches.The
trouble is that the picnic site is ten miles away So it takes
them ten days to get there.
When they get there Rodney unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Gary
give me the bottle opener."
"I didn't bring it," says Gary "I thought you packed it,"
Rodney gets worried, He turns to Derek, "Did you bring the
bottle opener?"
Naturally Derek didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles
from home without a bottle opener.
Rodney and Derek beg Gary to go back for it but he refuses as
he says they will eat all the sandwiches.
After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise
lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.
So Gary sets off down the road at a steady pace.
20 days pass and he still isn't back and Rodney and Derek are
starving, but a promise is a promise.
Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.
Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich
each and just as they are about to eat it, Gary pops up from
behind a rock and shouts "I KNEW IT'......I'M NOT F***G GOING!"

Mr Smithers, a meek and humble man, is sitting, sullenly slumped over his
pint in his local pub. The landlord asks him why he's so miserable. "It's my wife", says Smithers, "We've been married for thirty years, I've worked my fingers to the bone to keep her in the manner to which she has become accustomed, and it's been non-stop nagging and moaning from her all the way. I've had enough! I just wish I could be rid of her!" The landlord says "Well your luck might be in: See that huge bloke sitting over there in the corner - that's "Big Arty". He's a real hard case. He'll make sure your wife never troubles you again, but it'll cost you - he usually charges a quid for assasinations. Smithers goes over and asks "Are you Big Arty?" The huge man rises from his chair to tower above Smithers and says "Yus - that's me"

SMITHERS: "I hear you might be able to do a job for me....... you see....... I'd like my wife....er....dead"

BIG ARTY: "No problem Guv - I'll do the job .... but it'll cost you a quid and I'll need to know where to find her and a photo to recognise her"

SMITHERS: "OK - here's your pound, and here's a photo of her - she works on the checkout at Tesco's"

BIG ARTY: "Right - better get on with it then!" He slurps down his pint, wipes his mouth with his sleeve and lurches out of the pub.

Entering the Tesco store in the High Street, he looks along the line of checkout desks until he recognises Mrs Smithers. He lumbers up to her, grabs her by the throat and throttles the life out of her there and then.
The manager, who was standing nearby, witnesses this and runs over, shouting "Hey you there. You can't do this sort of thing in my shop"
Big Arty turns around, jumps on the manager and strangles him to death too.

A policeman passing by on his beat sees all this through the shop window and rushes in to accost Big Arty. "HI HARREST HUW FOR CAUSIN' HAN HAFFRAY!"

Unfortunately he is no match for the mighty thug, and he too joins the pile of throttled corpses on the store floor. Just then, following an urgent phone call from another checkout assistant, a large team of police reinforcements arrive, armed with truncheons, tasers and tear gas.
Big Arty puts up a spirited fight, but is finally subdued and bundled off to jail in the Black Mariah.

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub... She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

A guy is laying back on the sofa, naked from the waist down, smoking a cigar while his woman is engaged in oral activity! Shortly after his release he places the cigar on the ashtray and asks: “So babe, was I good?”

…and the definition of a SUPER MACHO MAN

The same guy, in the same position, with the same woman but his “instrument” is not responding (!!!!) …. After about 10 minutes of strenuous effort on the woman’s part, she gives up. Our friend, completely calm, takes a toke off his cigar and asks her “Tell me, does this happen to you often?”

First year students at Med school were receiving their first Anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a Doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body". For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing" he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my Index finger. Now learn to pay attention"