A little trail of breadcrumbs left behind as I make my way through the path of eating disorder treatment and recovery. So I can find my way back to appreciate the journey.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Progress....I can see progress. It's tiny.

I've been thinking a lot about last week's therapy session. The one that sent me into a giant panic attack spiral. The thing that's sticking with me is this, "What happens if I *don't* do what I think people want me to? Or what I think I'm *supposed* to do?"

This is going to turn out to be the big "thing" I think. Or at least one of them. I mean, look at all the stress I have with just the food journaling - all because I'm stressed about not doing it "right" or being exposed for all my food failings. EVEN THOUGH THAT'S THE POINT! I'm still working on that BUT.....

PROGRESS #1: I've been stressing out about this upcoming girls' weekend I am working on coordinating/attending. Well, it's going to be EXPENSIVE. Which is fine. We'll deal with it. But, it weighs on me. After vascilating from cancelling entirely and totally letting everyone down to going and sucking up all the costs, I finally just embraced that *I* am in control of what's going on with me and my own travels. And despite fear of it aggravating people or goofing up their plans, I just owned that I need to arrive a day later. It is what it is, right? And you know what? Turns out at least one other person needed to change to a day later ANYWAY! What a waste of time worrying about it. And in the past, that would have made me angry. WHo knows why - maybe because THEY then caused me to have to worry when I didn't need to? I've given up predicting why ED makes my brain think the things it does. This time, it just made me happy. Happy that it all worked out.

PROGRESS #2: Snow. Gaaaaaaaaah. Living in a snow filled climate, you're used to having to sometimes adjust due to weather. Well, we're under a blizzard warning. Have been since Sunday and it's supposed to hit this evening. The second I heard the warning was for tonight/tomorrow my brain started going into overdrive. Why? Not because of missing work. That's all good. But because I was sooooooo worried about what happens if the snow causes me to have to miss my therapist appointment scheduled for Wednesday afternoon. Panic. Would I be charged since it would be less than 24 hours notice? Do I need to try make it down there anyway? Where would Holland go? If someone in my family needed to watch her, what would I say I was doing that was so urgent? and the list goes on and on and on and runs through my brain at lightning speed.

I had to call on Monday to schedule a nutritionist follow up appointment. Instead of being silently freaked out about the Wednesday "what ifs"..........wait for it............I just asked what would happen if it was too snowy to make my apointment.

*gasp*

WHAT??!

It's that easy? Apparently so since I haven't worried about it since.

I know. These things probably all make me sound like a crazy person. And well, I guess I am a little bit. But, at least I'm working on getting it sorted out. And I will bask in the glow of tiny progress.