If my high school French is still serving me well (and I believe that it is), "Chemin Laforge 1" means "Oven Shirt 1," and since it's only 1,434 miles from my manse I've decided that's where we're going to go:

Here's the cue sheet, which is pretty long:

Though it's still shorter than the one from the Rapha Gentlemen's Race.

Anyway, here's the expedition vehicle we'll be using, and I figure we'll head out tomorrow at about one-ish:

I'm packing a bag of pretzels, some juice boxes, a bottle of vodka, and an iPad.

I also plan to get some health care while I'm up that way, since I've had a nagging bullet wound for awhile now but the treatment is prohibitively expensive.

One last question, though--do you actually need a passport at the Canadian border, or will they still accept a library card?

Unfortunately, my trip will force me to miss the Bicycle Film Festival--and by "unfortunately" I mean "fortunately" because I wasn't planning on going anyway. There are two reasons you won't find me at the Bicycle Film Festival, and they are as follows:

1) There will be lots of cyclists there.
Cyclists are like martinis: one is fine, two or three can make for a good time, but much more than that is going to make you puke;

2) There will be movies about cycling there.

Most fun things make good film subjects. Take sex, for example. People like to have sex, and people like to watch movies of other people having sex. For some reason though, cycling doesn't follow this rule, even when you combine it with sex--or, more accurately, especially when you combine it with sex. To wit:

I mean, don't get me wrong, Keanu Reeves looks fantastic for a guy approaching fifty, but I'm still not going to see it--though a bicycle romance still seems more promising than a bicycle revenge fantasy:

I'd hate to break it to the filmmakers, but hit-and-run drivers are not tortured by guilt after they run down cyclists. Instead, they just say to themselves, "Fuck it, he'll be fine," and then crank up the '80s Pop Hits on Sirius.

Of course, it is possible I'm too old to appreciate this sort of independent cinema, and fortunately the Festival also has films for the older demographic:

Apparently pennyfarthing owners are "caretakers of these bicycles" who must "pass them on to the next generation in equal or better condition then we received them:"

So basically, it's sort of an intergenerational bike share program. Still, next year the Festival might want to consider addressing the vast demographic that exists between 20-somethings and Civil War veterans.

Oh, there's also going to be a movie about riding when it's cold:

See? It's cold and they're riding bikes.

I'm looking forward to the sequel about riding bikes when it's hot.

Most exciting of all though is the long-awaited debut of the film "Murder of Couriers," which has been in the offing for years now. It's the "Titanic" of messenger documentaries. We've examined this before, but here's the latest trailer:

I actually transcribed all the text in this video and ran it through an online Canadian-to-English translator, which yielded the following:

It's all kind of like, you have to ride a bike? With stuff? And you have to bring the stuff to the people who are waiting for it, eh? And then they have to sign a piece of paper for it?And like, it's a totally hard job? But only because somehow we manage to totally overcomplicated this? Mostly because we're stoned out of our fucking minds? But also, like, sometimes the weather's shitty or whatever? But like we live in Canada so it's not like we have any actual problems that aren't weather-related?

I do acknowledge that there was a time when the world of the messenger was worth exploring, but that was last century, and since then about a thousand urban jobs for young people have supplanted it in terms of sheer hustle and badassitude. For chrissake, times are hard and there are young people actually working their asses off out there! Even the most "mundane" job is harder than being a bike messenger. For example, have you ever been to a Chipotle in Midtown Manhattan? I have, and what those guys can do behind the counter will blow your fucking mind. Seriously, they are fucking drilled. They must have made burritos for 50 people inside of five minutes--and with deadly accuracy, no putting on the wrong salsa or anything! I was paid up and out the door before I even finished ordering, that's how fast they were. So spare me the "'Whoah,' you know, 'I almost got hit by four different buses and I punched a jaywalker and almost shit my pants'" crap. You don't sound like someone who gets to ride around Vancouver on a bike all day. You sound like Mr. Magoo.

Nobody makes threats quite as ineffectually as Andy Schleck. Remember when his tummy hurt that time? That was nothing! This time he's going to be the "surprise of July," which basically just sounds like a delicious dessert.

Speaking of the Tour de France, I've received exciting email from over-punctuated saddle manufacturer "fi’zi:k" that they're going to put animals on their riders' asses:

Each Team Cannondale rider will feature on the rear panel of their team shorts in place of the standard fi’zi:k logo their specific Spine Concept Animal, which best reflects their high performance on-bike fit. The Tourminator, Peter Sagan for example, will ride as a Bull as that’s the Spine Concept Animal which best fits Peter’s on-bike physique.

If you're unfamiliar with their "spine concept," it's one of the most absurd marketing gimmicks in cycling, and what it essentially boils down to is that they help you find sort of a spirit animal for your scranus and then sell you a saddle accordingly. If you're not grossed out yet just check out this video:

I mean, come on. Are you fucking kidding me? What kind of "Spine Concept Animal" is that?

Being a winter rider in Canada for years now, that bikewinter trailer seemed super lame.

Also, you said "Are you fucking kidding me?" about the fizik ad campaign. Saying that about ads is my bit. Stop stealing my material. Except that I'm squeaky clean, not using that terrible f word, because I am a woosie.

Bike Smut video, like catching a glimpse of the Medusa, and what kind of spirit animal is that in the Fizik commercial? A dancing Johnson, or do I have it confused with the Bike Smut? I have to go stare at the sun to burn these images off my retinas.

I do NOT want my saddle to turn into a writhing, shape-shifting, scranus-invading, FUCKING SNAKE during my ride...especially on a steep and fast descent.

My scranus is well-puckered at the moment. I am scared.

Maybe Fizik should donate these awful things to Crazy Ex-Porn Star New Age Healer Lady and her 10-seat Flapping Wing Eagle-Spirit Hamster Bike, which will bring healing spiritual medicine to people who could just really use some tylenol and a well-rolled blunt or a strong martini with three (3) olives.

I'm going downstairs to the basement to do a saddle check RIGHT NOW because I AM SCARED!!!!!!

Hey, New Yorkers:Advise please: Fireworks from the Circle Line Pier thing for 94$, or the roof of the McKittrich Hotel on w 27th for 75$?. If for some reason I get lost and end up in Times Square, do I tip Beer Man or Weed Man?Thanks

the "Murder of the Couriers" trailer is hilarious. It's good to see that bike messengers in Canada are as eloquent as they are in the US. I was a messenger way back in the day during college, I was one of the few people there without a prison record. It was not a glamorous job.

The Portland video answers the question about loving your bike too much. Yes you can! On the flip side, it just might be the natural way of keeping things lubed. Do you think Freds" do that shit in private?

Andy SChleck is a TdF contender this year? I thought he was serving out a doping ban resulting from secondhand exposure to xipamide from his brother Frank (the one who spells his name with the two dots above the "a").

what kind of show is that? i mean the one where the guy gets naked and his rotund assistant is naked and standing behind him staring into his anus? was she fitting him for a saddle? my heavens, we really need to bring back factory jobs to give some people something to do.

Anon 1:11, spoken like a true Quebecois, well, except for all the English words.

Snob, do you really want to ride your bike into America's North Korea? Without even trying, I found a 4700+ mile route to Inuvik. But if you're anywhere near as lazy as I am, you'll stick with Chemise Tachée de Sueur, or whatever that place was called. Bon Chance.

wiwm - or watch it with the sound off, or not watch it at all, which is what I wished I had done with the Bike Smut...I had no idea that YouTube allowed full frontal though, I thought you had to go to Vimeo for that.

I like the guy in the Murder of Messengers video who says, Get a job with a tie? No way! Yeah, no shit, snaggletooth.

The trouble these days is it's too easy to make movies. Oh for the days of Super 8 and having to edit actual film! That would suppress a lot of these efforts including, one would have hoped, that Portland Bike Sex video. I'm slightly thankful that the music didn't get stuck in my head, only the images. Oh the horror!

Planning my ride to Chemin du Merde d'Chien.

Miss guthopta <--half the reason I read this blog is for the Captchas. It's like Miss Bike Smut made up this one.

BABBLE lives in Canada so If you want a bike adventure north of the border I suggest bag whatever the hell the name of the place was and instead peddle your ass on over to Babble's digs in Vancouver. Now that would be a ride ending in an "epic adventure".

I was mountain biking over an earthquake scarp when, all at once, six spokes on my rear wheel broke.The rear wheel was so tac-oed that I had to carry the bike. (I would not abandon my steed in the field.) Just then a horrendous thunderstorm burst upon that corner of the valley. I sought dry refuge under a small tree (not recommended) as the downpour and lightning engulfed me...

The Power of Cinematic Imagery.

[This event is true but occurred in a metropolitan area with a population of one million. The local EQ scarp has not been active for ~300 years and has eroded and been paved. The wheel spokes failed because I had previously overstressed them by carrying too many bags of bark mulch on the rear rack. The tree I sought refuge under was itself under much higher urban high-tension lines that presumably would have taken the lightning strike. After the rain stopped I rolled the bike home (3/4 of a mile) on the front wheel and discovered that I had a new Comp/Nashbar! alloy/cassette rear in the garage]

Wildcat, you were not courteous today. for lob's sake, at least let us know that the smutty porn bicycle humping vid is not safe for work! or just type with your pinkie as you eat your fruit loops: NSFW.

Inuvik Canada is way more North and its theoretically ridable from Brooklyn. I planned it once for a car trip, but wussed out and flew to Fairbanks for the start. It was fun. It's actually in the Arctic. We saw a cyclist in the last 300 miles. Grizzly bears are the top predator, and Canada won't let you take a gun, so that's the food-chain there. If you go near the Solstice the sun shines all day.

Is "Here Be Dragons" in the Canadian colorway? Cuz,that would be tits. You know what I mean? Also,NSFW really is a neat acronym, but my boss is a hot milf, and I like when she looks over my shoulder. Deeks Thoofi

I keep looking at those directions and picturing you walking out your front door, spotting Bob and Doug and asking if they know the way to Greasy Ford (sp?) and them saying "oh, ya, you get on James Bay Road, eh? And just keep going to the end? You can't miss it, it's the only thing there."

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!