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Wednesday, July 20, 2011

November from Hell

Brad often threatened to divorce me and apparently I brought it up in late October in the midst of an argument with the following results.

10/29/09 Thursday PM – 5+ - mad because I would not agree to sex 3 times a week, I told him I want DV and he got very angry – shoved me in chest, twisted and held my wrist, shoved me into refrigerator, threw phone to keep me from calling 911, begged me to forgive him, said I had to give regular sex and everything will be fine

Perhaps he sensed I was really serious this time about divorce and that’s what precipitated the most consistently violent period in our marriage. Perhaps it was because I had told him (at his suggestion) that I wanted to go 30 days without incident before resuming our sexual relationship. I’ll never know for sure. The following excerpt is every entry from my journal for this six day period in early November.

11/02/09 Monday PM – 5+ - mad because I did not act agreeable enough when I said “we can do it” when he asked about sex that I had said we could do today (I had agreed on Sunday) called me the worst f***ing wife ever in front of kids when I said that. Continued to fight and insist that I not show my true feelings about sex – would not stop talking about it when I asked him to, would not let me leave room, threatened to cheat, told me I was cheating, insisted I change clothes to prevent being ‘sexy’ if I was not going to give him sex – choked me

11/03/09 Tuesday AM – 5+ - choked me when I said we would have to divorce, was mean before that and said I deserved to be treated mean if I would not have sex for 30 days

11/03/09 Tuesday PM- 5+ - still mad, told me he had a date with lady at tanning place on his birthday – slapped me and pushed me against counter in kids bathroom because he thought I was ‘lying’ when I said he shoved me earlier in our bedroom – Cassie saw it, keeps insisting I agree to 3 or 4 times a week after the 30 days is up, or keeps pushing for him to be able to go ‘outside’ since I won’t meet his needs

11/04/09 Wednesday PM – 5+ hit me in head because I said divorce after he threatened to cheat because I would not give him sex for 30 days, basically threatened, manipulated and bullied me until I agreed to give up on the 30 days, would not leave room or let me call 911 – kids saw a lot of the arguing, he would not stop – told me “you have to give an answer before I will stop” told me I have to commit to treating him like a man and be a woman for him or he will cheat, threatened to kill me, get custody of kids, half my money

11/05/09 Thursday - 5 – mad about therapy - he threatened me that I cannot go to therapy myself – we have to go together or get divorced and I would not answer, told me I don’t make commitments, argued all the way home in the car, said I have to say “yes or no” when he asks me to go to therapy – forced me to agree to ‘be in charge’ and have him submit to me – says he has to know where he stands and I have to tell him what to do

11/06/09 Friday – 5+ - said I was ‘distant’ when I was sitting on couch – that I had to commit to him – long argument would not let me go to sleep, choked me, hit me really hard in the head, left bruise on my chest, threatened to cheat if I don’t take care of his needs

11/07/09 Saturday – 4- said he just wants to feel special, would not let me put kids to bed, threatened to cheat – would not accept my agreements, kept insisting I had not agreed to anything, went on for hours, yelled and called me b***h, c**t, told me I was the reason none of my previous relationships worked out

Note how it seems to get worse when I mention divorce. It’s like he sees it slipping away and so he gets more aggressive to prevent the inevitable (at least in his mind). At this point I decided to see a therapist because I was so stressed from dealing with him, I felt like I was going crazy. I had to have some rational person validate my thoughts and feelings. He was very threatened by this because he assumed the therapist would encourage me to leave. He insisted we go together and my heart sank. But I had to agree, because I was not quite yet ready to leave.The next incident was pivotal in giving me the courage I needed.

11/10/09 Tuesday – drive home – 5+ told me I had to agree to sex or living like brother and sister or I should not come home, told me I had to agree or we’d have a huge fight in front of the kids Later at home –still insisting either he could get a girlfriend or I need to agree to sex 3-4 times a week, very manipulative and mean, called me a wh**e and a sl*t in front of the kids and told them to call me that - threatened to sue me for everything in divorce, threatened to beat me, grabbed my arms really hard and twisted, left marks and bruises - would not let me call 911 – threw phone away outsideI was humiliated, this was the first time and only time I had to specifically dress to cover up bruises. I took pictures of the fingernail marks and bruises in the bathroom at work. I had finally gathered some real evidence. I felt that I needed the ammunition for the divorce. All my journal entries, copies of emails, and these photos clearly painted the picture of the type of man he was.

My mom was coming for Thanksgiving, so I felt I had to stick it out a little longer. There was another rash of violence right before her visit.

11/19/09 Thursday PM – 5+ - mad about sleeping together, says he never felt welcome and it was because of my books, insisted ‘listen’ to him – would not let me walk away – threatened to beat me in front of Cassie, told me to get up on the landing ‘like a dog’ – told me he would kill me when I said ‘yes’ when he asked if I wanted a divorce, kids there, told me I should leave and he would stay with kids – would not stop arguing, came into kids rooms at bedtime to continue argument, grabbed me hard to get me inside when I went outside, went outside twice and he begged me to come inside – put hands around my throat as well -kids were there – told me I have to keep my voice down- insisted on talking for almost another hour, even though I was sick and wanted to go to bed, says I never make commitments and that I have to

11/21/09 Saturday night – 5+ -snippy all day, choked me, threatened to beat me and kill me, kids were there, mad because I ‘showed’ a negative feeling – I thought he was being demeaning and apparently rolled my eyes, accused me of being ‘mean’ and insisted I admit it so I could ‘grow’, threw food and insisted I clean it up because he hates me so much

11/22/09 Sunday – 5+ - snippy all day about trust and would not cleanup mess - mad because I asked him “why didn’t you let Luke read?” – insisted I was wrong, would not stop fighting, called me c**t, wh**e in front of kids, shoved me and it pushed Cassie down, choked me, told me he would beat me, kill me, would not let me leave room, told kids they were stupid and I that I thought they were stupid, mad I went to dinner without him even though I had invited him

The journal entries are factual and accurate, but they cannot possibly depict how it felt to live with him. These arguments would go on for hours, he would follow me around to argue with me, he would trap me in a room by blocking my way, he would not let me talk. I had to sit there, or stand there and listen to him rant and yell, tell me how terrible I was, call me names, while somehow trying to protect my kids from seeing or hearing the worst of it.

He was allowed to do and say horrible things to me, but if I rolled my eyes, or said "I don't feel close right now" - I was being mean and abusive to him. The rules were completely different. If I tried to explain my point of view, he got angry and yelled more. If I tried to get around him, he would push me back or worse. He weighed twice what I did, there was no way I could fight back. I couldn’t even call 911 because he would prevent me from getting to the phone.

I occasionally screamed back at him (no particular words, just screaming) because I literally felt like my head was going to explode with all of his circular logic and his refusal to stop arguing. When I’d apologize or agree to something for the tenth time and he would not stop asking the same question, I had to do something. Then he’d get even more mad and say I was being abusive to him. Can you imagine? This is called crazy making – and it works.

About Me

I am a domestic violence survivor. One of my mottos as things got tough, especially after I left my husband, was "I can do this, I can be strong." It is my sincere desire that I can play a part in giving this courage to others in the same situation by sharing my story.