The 8 Most Misguided Attempts at 'Sexy' Videos on YouTube

It's Not Stepping on Desserts

The Intent:

?

Where the Wheels Came Off:

Without the context of the comments and the hundreds of other food-feet fetish videos out there, I wouldn't have known this was supposed to be sexual at all. Assuming that the bon bons are supposed to represent testicles then I would have to say that this stops being sexy right around the time she stabs one with her shoe. Also, keeping with that suspension of disbelief, I'm then curious what the ice-cream is supposed to represent. Is it semen? Or is it just supposed to be ice-cream? I'd argue that ice-cream is worse because it sets unrealistic and, frankly, dangerous expectations for the male anatomy.

It's Not ...This

The Intent:

Steve Rooster knows women. He knows that women like music, women like sex, and, unless they have celiac disease, women like bread. So in an ambitious attempt to overstimulate every woman in the world, Steve Rooster, that weaver of womanly desires, effortlessly combined all three indulgences into pure female masturbation fodder.

Where the Wheels Came Off:

Right around the time the shot opens on a flour-caked loaf of something this video heads in the wrong direction of sexuality, and then stubbornly insists on continuing down the same path for another two minutes and twenty seconds. Steve Rooster sucks on a piece of the bread and wipes it across his neck and chest, earnestly. He strips a little, then runs out of things to take off and makes some halfhearted pulls at his his skin and face. The highlight is when he shows off some of the soggy breadcrumbs on his tongue while simulating cunnilingus. Steve Rooster is so good at cunnilingus, in fact, that he has a two-part series on the intricacies of oral stimulation which should be all the indication you need that he is not joking. The whole thing is so far removed from sexuality that it's just easier to pretend he's taking a highly stylized approach to reminding us all that we don't enjoy our food enough.

It's Not Chewing

The Intent:

Bananas are the closest penises will ever get to growing on trees. The fruit is so phallic that Youtube is littered with videos of women eating bananas and each has well over one hundred thousand views. The lesson seems to be that the easiest way to get moderately famous with no discernible talent is to eat a banana while a camera rolls.

Where the Wheels Came Off:

As suggestive as a banana can be, it can't do all the work. I suspect that this woman may be missing the point of why eating a banana is sexy. She pulls it into bite-size pieces and then chews each a full 25 times while lazily staring into the camera and daring us all to fall asleep.

At the end, it offers everyone an opportunity to download an extended version where I can only assume we also get to see her cut the rest of the banana into wheels and seductively feed them to an infant.

It's Not Dick Slanging

The Intent:

Unlike women, who have the opportunity to display their breasts in form fitting clothing and low-cut tops, men with particularly remarkable genitals are limited by law in methods of exhibition. But when a man is given such a gift, he wants the world to know how special it is and the only social acceptable methods available to him are porn and chatroulette. That is, until now. The Dick Slang crew has cleverly created a third option: slapping it around under basketball shorts in a tiny room with friends.

Where the Wheels Came Off:

The "with friends" part of this showcase is really doing the most detriment to their cause. The five guys are packed so tightly into that room that all their units are in constant danger of crashing into tables, laptops and even each other. Watching this video is, at best, nerve racking. The excitement of showing off their packages has made them all lose sight of the ultimate goal: sex. In my experience, women are generally nervous about men who carelessly throw their genitals around a room, especially men who are so absorbed in the way it bounces around that they forget she's there.

Each of these men thoughtlessly slangs his dick hither and fro without any respect for its fragile nature, like a manifestation of sexuality itself. This negligence is exactly what I hope to fix. I want the world to know that sex isn't meant to be tossed around or chewed or stabbed with a shoe, it belongs in a bed or properly displayed up on a shelf. Or, if you have one, rocking gently in a sex swing wearing a full-body latex suit.