A Definitive Ranking of the New Bachelorette Contestants

Based solely upon their promo photos and casting Q&As.

This morning, ABC released the 25 guys hoping for a happily ever after or at least the prospect of a few tabloid magazine covers with new Bachelorette Andi Dorfman. As is tradition, the only things we learn upfront about the guys are how well they photograph, what clothes they've chosen for this all important introduction to the world, and whatever small amount is revealed in twee excerpts from various casting questionnaires.

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So let's gawk, overanalyze some hotties, and pick favorites we'll inevitably regret after it turns out they're this season's villain with a girlfriend/bad attitude/misguided desire for fame, etc.

I suppose Patrick at least bothered to put on a belt. But then his flip-flops probably came from The Gap, so we're back to square one. Can you really expect to find your soulmate if you're basically barefoot when you first meet? And, yes, that's a question for last season's free spirit Lucy Aragon too.

(Also, aside from his likely poor choice in footwear, Patrick says the most romantic thing he's ever done for a girl is call ahead to a hotel and have the staff lay rose petals in a heart shape on the bed. It doesn't count for much if someone else does all the hard work, Patrick.)

See above, re: sad pastels, part 2, because there are always so many of them among a Bachelorette cast. It's like there's some subliminal sponsorship deal going on with the sad-sack menswear "boutique" at your local strip mall. Except Marcus is wearing somewhat skinny jeans to offset his work shirt and that's (more than) OK.

When ABC asked Brian what three items he would take with him on a desert island, he said he'd pick "The Bible, suncreen and a surf board." And because he didn't spell it "SURFBORT," there's no hope for him. (The tres basic American Apparel pocket tee is not a good indicator either.)

Yes, you'd be dating an attractive, all-American doctor type (who's very proud about the fact that he's a doctor, just btw), but every now and then you'll get into the shower AND THERE'LL BE NO CONDITIONER LEFT. Are you ready for that?

There's a point at which an outfit goes from being fun/festive/confident to being TOO MUCH and that point falls somewhere between a magenta T-shirt and dog tags. (For clarity's sake, both white watches and woven bracelets worn to match your T-shirt also fall beyond that point.)

Another shoe rant forthcoming: Steven is wearing Vans alongside this outfit, bet on it. He's not riding a skateboard, but only because he's actually a snowboarder, but it's unlikely there's much dry ice in the ABC photography studio. P.S. If I told you to guess how old Steven is, I guarantee you'd guess 5+ years below his actual age. HOW OLD/YOUNG IS HE?

Based on the little information we have available  though it's still more than enough to make snarky snap judgements, obvi  Carl offers a veritable rollercoaster of highs and lows. If you can handle that sort of excitement, maybe he's the guy for you. You see, at first you're like, "A hooded T-shirt marks your reality TV debut, really?" But then you're like, "Ooh, nice tattoo sleeves, come over here and tell me edgy stories." But then a quick glance at his bio tells you said "edgy stories" will probably be about CrossFit (because he loves it) and you'd be better off talking to the vanilla-looking guy who at least put on a shirt with a collar.

See above re: guys who just want to talk about their workout routines, because Cody is a personal trainer and he has the upper arm muscles to prove it. You think he's as mellow as his mellow lemon yellow tee suggests but then you talk just a little bit of shit about the pec fly machine and you're ~*DONE*~ for the evening, possibly for good.

Hmm. This very relaxed ensemble is one of two things: the sign of someone ready to take his Bachelorette experience with the right mindset (i.e. not too seriously, which is good) or someone who left his hotel room five minutes before his call time, having pulled on some creased clothes he found on the floor or badly packed in his carry-on suitcase (which is bad). Josh is still dreamy though  and he's a former professional baseball player, so maybe he can explain what that's all about. (By that I mean the sport, period, because I just don't understand it and I don't think I'm alone.)

A fake smile and real terror behind the eyes: This is how all of us would feel having promotional photos taken as we're about to embark on a reality TV lovefest. Craig is definitely relatable, and that's a plus.

Brett seems lovely at first glance, sure, with his kind eyes, wide smile, and fetching, meeting-your-mom-for-the-first-time-appropriate knitwear. But how do you trust a man who claims to be a hairstylist when he can't even deal with his own split ends bordering on a mullet in the back??!! This is a serious question because serious things (aka love and life and happiness) are at stake on The Bachelorette.

A sharply suited wedding coordinator, be still our collective beating hearts. Start planning your nuptials now, but don't work too hard BECAUSE TASOS CAN HELP  it's his job!! Perfect.

The best part about Tasos, at least based on his Bachelorette Q&A, is his delighfully specific answer to the softball question: "If you could live in any other time period, what would it be?" Tasos would set his time machine for "Ancient Egypt, 2686-2181 B.C.," and not a year on either side of that period, thxvm. This sort of attitude also means he's probably going to be punctual.

If someone's going to make up a job title like "pantsapreneur," they have to have the pants to prove it. JJ has those pants, and more power to him. Lose the cowl neck sweater though, please, because it's too busy a look.

Chris is a farmer and so, yes, he could be a farmer in those clothes which are objectively cute in their own right too. And he says his worst fear on a date is "accidental diarrhea." Don't even pretend you're not giggling; what's not to love?

OK, you're thinking "wait, didn't we talk shit about all the smart-casual office attire much earlier in this ranking?" and yes, you're right. But Nick V. just drips confidence, everything from the flipped shirt cuffs to his très casual hands-in-pockets, I-know-I look-good-right-now stance and then also the sorry-not-sorry rampant eye fucking that's happening right now. At least I feel it and I'm not ashamed.

Yes, and I mean yes, this is a silky smoking jacket worn with a pocket square that matches the lining. And then paired with a pair of white jeans like it's NBD. There's more; if you're not already convinced that Marquel is wonderful, consider that he describes his Saturday nights as follows: "Netflix, cookies, and a glass of wine." Brb, going to buy a big box of Chips Ahoy!

"Andrew" here is actually Pacey Witter grown up and come to life (minus the awkward goatee). There's no question about it; in his bio he describes himself as "mysterious," which is such a Pacey thing to say.

Also, there's some bulge action happening in his dark denim jeans and so what I'm saying, Pacey, is that I don't want to wait for our lives to be over. So take this rose, forget about Bachelorette Andi, and we'll sail off into the sunset together.