Sunday, January 11, 2009

The Five Least Straight Moments in "Bromance"

bro•mance \bro-'man(t)s\ n : (1) the complicated love and affection shared by two straight males, often exhibited through physical acts such as wrestling, playing sports, and half-hugging. Ex: "Shut up, Monica! Chandler and I share a bromance that you'll never understand!"

vb : (1) The act of going to unusual lengths in order to woo a male friend. Ex: "Jeff from accounting hasn't accepted my friend request, so my plan is to bromance him with some Knicks tickets."

proper n : (1) MTV's new reality television show starring The Hills alumnus Brody Jenner as a d-bag man searching for a fellow d-bag man to join his posse of friends, through a process involving intimate chats and outrageous physical challenges, the likes of which manage to achieve a level of unintentional homoeroticism not reached since the Grecian Olympic era of girded loins.

The Half-Naked Capture

Because first impressions are so important, Brody kicks off the show by sending his goon squad (Note: Sleazy-T is the only person ever to get herpes on principle) to wake up everyone and drag them, in their underwear and with bags over their heads, to the bro-mansion. (Pause for dry heave.) Allow me to spare you: Everyone ends up in a circle on his knees until Jenner gives the cue, "Take em off!" Clearly, this is what friendship is all about. If you can't fake kidnap your pals, who can you fake kidnap? (Answer: Not kids. Seriously, it's never funny.)

Hard Knocks

In an emotional one-on-one chat called a broprah (there goes the gag reflex!), Femi opens up about how he's been through "so much" in his life. Now, without getting all stereotype-y here, I think it's safe to assume that when someone talks about "tough times" there'll be mention of drugs, death, gangs, poverty, etc. But, hey, hold the phones! Call off the war in Iraq, because Femi was SUSPENDED FROM SCHOOL! Plus, he's on his period. Hard knocks, man.

Birthday Card of Pain

Here, Frankie gets jealous when Mike gives Brody a card saying Frankie better watch out because Mike is gonna be Brody's new BFF. Here's an idea: How about being jealous of me because when I walk into a restaurant no one says, "Hey, that's the guy who's friends with the guy who's on that reality show about men who sign their birthday cards 'BFF'."

Serenade

Ironically, this is exactly how I became friends with my best bud in college. We were at the same bar one night, and suddenly he just hopped up on this tiny makeshift stage and grabbed the mic away from some dude with a guitar. And right then and there he sings this beautiful love rap song about me. Then he took off his shirt. We got tattoos together, right then and there. It's a more common story than you might think.

Hot Tub Elimination Round

Clearly you would hold the elimination round in a hot tub. Clearly. Where else are you going to do it? I mean, the shower's too small for everyone to fit. So, yeah -- the hot tub. And as Brody goes down the line choosing who is safe, that person leaves the hot tub, until there is only one person left in the tub, and he's the one who is eliminated. Then he gets out of the hot tub and everyone who wasn't eliminated gets back in for a celebratory drink. I left out that part of the video because, I promise you -- scratch that, I bromise you the image will never be more perfect than it is in your brain right now.