AMAZON

Monday, September 24, 2007

Too Bad It's Monday (TBIM) Jokes

In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad Its Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God Its Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.

Better not, Charlie!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronozically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the Morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCISHOUSE OF PROSTITUTION10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCISHOUSE OF PROSTITUTION5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCISHOUSE OF PROSTITUTIONNEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the d rive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."

"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

~ P.B., Nebraska

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number.

The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."

To which the man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."

The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it."

Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!''

~ D. R., Texas

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused when on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said: "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said: "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident".. I just lost it."

~ R.D.J., Australia

Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "the heart would be just below the left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

~ C.T., Shepherdsville, KY

THE SPORT OF CHOICE

The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.

AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

~ M. M. F, Ireland

Where to Live After Retirement

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.

2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.

4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

Hi Nick ~~ good jokes - my favorite tonight is the Sisters of St. Francis. and also the pregnant lady on the bus. Very funny.Thanks for your comment and theblessings on my blog. Take care,Kind regards, Merle.

See! All that smiling is contagious! A wonderful start to a Monday Nick. Thanks. I loved the cat pics towards the end!It seems only fair that I should return the favour!.An adorable little girl walked into my pet shop and asked, "Excuse me, do you have any rabbits here?"

"We do," the sales representative answered, and leaning down to her eye level she asked, "Did you want a white rabbit or would you rather have a soft, fuzzy black rabbit?"

She shrugged. "I don't think my python really cares.".A mother driving her two young boys to a funeral, She tried to prepare them by talking about burial and what we believe happens after death. The boys behaved well during the service. But at the grave site she discovered her explanations weren't as thorough as she had thought. In a loud voice, her four-year-old asked, "Mom?"

"Yes," the mother whispered.

"What's in the box?" .A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. But first, you have to be single and you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull off to the side of the road, "maybe we will see what we can do."

The nun plants a whopper of a kiss on the cabbie! But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

` I laughed my ass off at the joke about Mildred! Even Lou Ryan laughed!

` Also thought you might want to know, it took me a couple days to realize I accidentally threw away the pens I was going to use for Alex's drawing (yeah, sure, I'm responsible!), so I sat down one day and got it almost completely done in about an hour.` It's been almost completely done for several days, in fact, because I was busy a bunch and coming down with an illness that makes me feel as drowsy as if I've taken a bunch of Benadryl (think three-hour naps), spent ALL of Sunday running around on a freezing cold mountain in underwear, high heels, a cape, a wig and and a silly hat (you'll hear more about that!) and am currently more ill and also today was my first day of school!` But I'll definitely get 'er done tomorrow after school! Ironically it should take me ten minutes.` Don'tcha just love it when that kind of thing happens?

` OMG! You might want to know I finished the drawring just now - after MY cats tried to destroy it! (I almost accidentally spritzed it with the water bottle, too, in the process.)` It's fine, though, and I'll mail it out tomorrow!

More great humor, Rev. Saint. I did a double take when I recognized Prince Charles in that photo. Now, it may have been completely innocent, but is that any way for royalty to act? Of course it is! They been doing it for centuries.