The “never ending pasta bowl” guarantees restaurant patrons an
infinite amount of selected pasta combinations in addition to an impracticable
supply of salad and breadsticks. The breakneck pace at which servers are expected
to deliver the food harks back to the debate between “Old World” paternalistic
inspirations and modern rebellious flavor, says sociologist Amanda Rupert. “Mamma
mia,” she says. “After all, when you’re here, you’re
family.”

The promotion is also drawing ire from the scientific community, which has
long held that the waiters’ never-ending, perpetual motion is precluded
by the second law of thermodynamics. Graver still, the 42 permutations of pasta,
sauce, and unlimited meatballs and sausage portend untold damage to the universe.

“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed,” explains Caltech physicist
Albert Simmons. In an article published in the October issue of Scientific
American, Simmons maintains that the unworkable amount of matter required by
Olive Garden restaurants will eventually lead to the concentration of all substance
in our solar system within a 4-mile radius of the restaurant chain’s
582 locations.

“Viewed from space, it will look kind of like a bunch
of meatballs on the rolling fettuccine hills of the earth’s crust.” Added
Simmons, “I can’t stop thinking about their inviting faux-Tuscan
atmosphere.”

Olive Garden’s corporate offices were quick to respond to the allegations.
At a press conference Thursday, company spokesman Kevin McNeil asserted that
strict policies already in place limit the promotion’s effect on the
space-time continuum. “Our highly-trained servers keep the universe’s
matter in check by stringent limited-time-only and dine-in-only parameters.”

Waiters further warned that the Olive Garden’s “astronomical prices” and
the “cheap-o bastards who dine there” were similarly disastrous
to the fabric of the universe.