Issue 3625

EAST BRUNSWICK, NJ–Edward DuBrow, diagnosed with terminal leukemia on July 11, is not much fun to hang around with anymore, friends of the East Brunswick 24-year-old said Monday. "Eddie used to be such a wild man," friend Rich Hough said. "We'd go out to bars, and he'd always be the loudest, drunkest, funniest guy in the whole place. Now, he just lies around and talks about medicine and stuff. It's kind of a downer." Liz Appice, DuBrow's longtime girlfriend, has severed all ties to him, saying that "the magic just isn't there anymore."

CAMBRIDGE, MA–MIT mathematics professor Dr. Charles J. Chang has had the Pythagorean Theorem, a popular mathematical equation, running through his head all day, he reported Monday. "I overheard one of my colleagues discussing it with a student this morning, and ever since, I haven't been able to shake the damn thing," Chang said of the simple theorem, which is used to calculate the hypotenuse of a right triangle. "The weird thing is, I'm not even all that into Pythagoras–I mainly read Boolean and Quadratic–but it's just so catchy." Chang has made numerous attempts to get the theorem out of his head, including reading all of E.H. Spanier's Algebraic Topology and calculating the circumferences of various circles.

Yo, peep this: I know all y'all wanna hear about tha mad bugged-out shit that went down at tha annual Monroe County CPA Convention from July 14-16 at tha Ramada Inn Northeast. Y'all heard about tha violence an' tha lootin' an' tha arrests an' all that shit, but I'm here to say that most of that shizit you read in tha newzpaypas an' saw on TV be WACK.

As you leaden-pated slow-coaches are too thick to realize that running a multi-tentacled news-paper empire takes an iron will and a strong stomach. If you do not exercise a certain low animal cunning with regard to your employees, occasionally put a business-rival to the garrote, and maintain a strong cash position, the Swiss will be running your news-paper in jig time!

DALTON, GA–At first glance, Angela and Travis Rohner appear to be your average couple. Married for 13 years, these high-school sweethearts have lived their entire lives in Dalton, where Travis works as a parking-garage attendant and Angela is a cashier at the local Wal-Mart.

THURMONT, MD–Unable to reach an accord after two weeks of peace talks at Camp David, Palestinian and Israeli leaders moved to Camp Goliath Monday to begin war talks. "It's still early in the war process, but we have every reason to be optimistic," Israeli prime minister Ehud Barak said. "I am fully confident that by week's end, we will reach an impasse and achieve a state of open hostility between Arabs and Jews." Palestinian leader Yasir Arafat agreed. "From Palestinian sovereignty in East Jerusalem to the fate of West Bank refugee settlements, there is so much we disagree about," Arafat said. "The gap between us should not be difficult to widen." The talks will be brokered by former president Gerald Ford, who won the Nobel War Prize for his role in the 1973 Camp Goliath summit that led to the Yom Kippur War.

LINCOLN, NE–Milt Olberding, a print buyer with L&G Advertising, expressed disbelief Tuesday that Capital City Chrysler owner William "Biff" Brignola wants to add a perforated insert to his ad this late in the game.

DEL MAR, CA–Despite strong personal reservations, Republican presidential contender George W. Bush confirmed Monday that he has "reluctantly" agreed to accept a $2 million donation from his parents "to help with some of the mounting expenses involved in running for office."

BARABOO, WI–Chicago resident Joe Mendenhall, nearly four hours into a seven-hour bus trip he hopes is to Minneapolis, is experiencing serious misgivings about whether he is, in fact, on the right bus. "I'm not recognizing any of the town names from the last time I made this trip," Mendenhall said. "And I don't remember the ground being quite this hilly." Mendenhall said he has considered asking the bus driver if he is on the right bus, but he's sure he'll figure it out for himself any time now.

MENTOR, OH–A 24-minute, 10-store dadhunt came to an end Monday, when area father Warren Osmund was found in front of the wall of TV sets in the electronics department of Sears at Great Lakes Mall. "We looked everywhere," said relieved wife Harriet Osmund, who became alarmed when Warren failed to rendezvous with her and daughters Kelly and Erika at 3 p.m. at the lower-level JCPenney entrance. "I checked Ritz Camera and Gander Mountain, Kelly checked Babbage's and Champs Sports, and Erika checked the food court, but he wasn't anywhere. I'm just glad we found him safe and sound." Warren said he was never in any physical danger, explaining that he was "just killing time watching the Indians game while the gals looked for shoes."

LOCK HAVEN, PAAshley Daniels is as close as you can get to your typical 9-year-old American girl. A third-grader at Lock Haven Elementary School, she loves rollerblading, her pet hamsters Benny and Oreo, Britney Spears, and, of course,...