Motherhood Meets Mastectomies

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Potty Mouth

As you’re well aware, I am a potty mouth. I try to tone it down in most situations. On the job, never. When conversing with family friends, hardly. Around my kids, unacceptable. It is practically a rite of passage for three year olds to explore the linguistic pleasures of poop talk. We are in the midst of my big girl’s fascination with saying bathroom words outside of the bathroom. I know it’s not right and I tell her that if she wants to say those words she can go into the bathroom and say them. Am I being a tad hypocritical? Yup, but aren’t all parents? I try not to laugh when a classic tune now gets jumbled with the occasional 3 year old profanity. “happy birthday dear … poopy, happy birthday to you”. I totally get her hysterics, I mean, poop having a birthday? It’s hilarious. How can I tell her sternly, “that’s not funny, don’t talk like that” when it’s not true and s and f bombs are dropping like it’s hot straight from my mouth whenever she’s not within earshot. And when I drop something on my foot or a bee stings me and I want to scream out, but I just stop at “MOTHER…!!”? What’s it going to be like at school when she says that in front of her teachers? I prefer her adorable fuddy-duddy expressions, “oh my golly gracious” or “that’s the ticket” for public consumption. I’m nearly overjoyed that my heavy duty doping after surgery will not be witnessed by my little copycat. I’m sort of terrified at what might fly out of my mouth. Someday I’d like an anesthesiologist or surgeon to publish a book of the bizarre shit that people mutter as they come in and out of anesthesia. It must have them rolling on the ground. And what about confessions? Whoa nelly. Thank God, I’m so virtuous. But what if I have a dream about a hot celebrity during surgery and come out saying some random name like “Ryan” or “Adam”? (note to my husband: you know whose on my list so just keep that in mind if I utter random names. I wouldn’t hold it against you if you came out of a stupor saying, “Katy”, “Kristen”, or “Eva” or whoever else is on yours – just in case, let’s review that later, because all other names are off limits).