I've always done the best I could do. When I didn't do the best I could...guilt consumed me.
My family is so ****ed up. I have brothers and a sister that I unfortunately know more than I would ever want to know.

They think they know me.

They don't know a thing about me.

Yeah, I get the part where they fail miserably. In spite of them growing up more "privliged' than I did. I grew up mostly with my grandmother. She, like me, was born into a family of privlige. Somehow, self righteous, bigoted, selfish bullies ripped that from her and her mom and siblings.

Nothing was ever handed to me. My grandmother was hard on me. She never hit me or hurt me physically or emotionally. She wanted me to be strong. She was the strongest, most creative, loyal and beautiful person I have ever known.

If you are Stevie fans...some of you might believe in certain "magic" gifts handed down through generations. You know, the thing that skips a generation.

Intuition. That was her strength. That is how she always seemed to know something was coming...and she was prepared. She single handedly raised 4 kids alone during very poor times...the big war. She was pregnant with my mom and she was caring for her mom that was ill...her mom was young. She was starting a new family and her in laws hated her.

Some of you know a little about me. Very little.

I just started opening pages of my life in photos.
The famous photots...with the famous people...and my famous ex boyfriend that wanted the world to know how much we were in love.

Blackmail. Contracts. Bull****. Threats.
I lived in two worlds...Beverly Hillls was where my home was. My success seemed to start at the top.

My dad left my mom and the war over money. My own sister and brother brought lawyer in an army to leave her destitute.

I left my boyfriend, It hurt him. It hurt me. He was waaay more into losing so much as he was already a successful leading man. We already saw tragedy among tormented talent friends...and what your "management" demands. One of us died....that was the worst.
I was going to school. Social Science. I wanted to heal...I wanted a voice. I had a voice.

I moved back to the East Coast. I was unhappy for a year or so. I went to rehab here. A couple of times. I now know about "..what you had..,.and what you lost.,,."

Again, I started at the top. I went into a big company. I made good money.

9/11 and subsequent...money and my place on a corporate ladder was shaky.
Intuition.

i bought my mom's house for her. I bought my brother a 2nd, 3rd, 4th...chance. I took their insults...and i never let them hurt me.

i got fat. Really fat...
We all deal.

Somehow, they managed to get in...and hurt me and my mom...and my boyfriend Tom of 14 years.

I shattered my foot. I was in bed for a year. My kidneys shut down. My brain was swelling and hitting my skull.

My mom got sick. They knew her diagnosis...and kept it from me. The ONLY time I asked for help was when my mom lost her mind...such as, thinking I was selling drugs out of my bedroom window. Remember I gave all that **** up before I turned 30.

Knowing my mom had rapid onset, severe alzheimeers plaque and medication conflicts regarding steroids, asthma inhalors and thyroid medicine made her case severe. She would have gotten the disease anyway but, her medicines were causing damage to one thing while it fixed another thing.

They pulled up my past...and I wound up in a nuthouse. i couldn't belive it until a doctor came to me and asked if he shoud call me James or my professional "hollywood" name...chuckling. They took me into a protective place while they investigated what the **** my brothers and sisters and mother and aunt were doing...You guys don't even want to know...but,hell...everyone has a sextape and at least my full frotals were taken when I looked good naked. damn.

Anyway, in my life I have always been able to kind of hover about everything and everyone, My grandmother made me strong. My mom seemed to know what she was doing when she gave me to her as an infant....I never would have fit in with them...artsy and creative vs my dad beating me up...and brothers and sisters always trying to compete with me over stupid stuff,..,.and doing stuff like tripping me so they could "win" You know what i mean? Metephorically and Literally.

I never threw around titles. In my own life I was always Jim...not M******* I always did the right thing....and when I didn't I fixed it When I hurt someone...I was just as hurt and quick to apologize and offer what ever they wanted to right a wrong.

I watched my young, beautiful mom disappear in front of me into a stroke. This last year she spent in her mind realizing that I was her son that never let her fall, never left her alone...She was a victim of child molestation...that prior year was hell for her as it came pouring out of her...the old wounds...the trauma...We did it together,. I have a special needs brother she needed me to promise her that I would do for him...as good as I did for her.

During this time Hollywood came back....on my terms. I was armed with my best friend (a famous blond icon of the late 80s early 90s) One was a reality series offer...and the other was a series based on books, screen plays we collaborated on.
I'm glad our lawyers stopped the reality show dead during negotiations. I, oddly enough, never really watched TV. I saw what they did to an old friend of mine. Kim Richards. I called out DR Phil...and her sister...and leaked some of the real story.

My mom is gone. I'm devastated,. There was so much she kept trying to make right with me and my fear in life was her or ny grandmiother dying and me disappointing them...or any kind of pain that couldn't be reconciled.

I'm sure you can see I haven't written in a long time. No poilitics, no Huffiungton Post, no podcasts, no charity red carpets....no Hollywood. No follow up to my first book.

My mom was in a brain loop trying to make things right with us. No matter how many times I reasssured her....hey Ma...it's Me Jimmy....I'm here...it's all good.

They took this opportunity to cash in on her....a big part of what she was trying to make right was.....they came to her with sad stories....and in her fragile state....paid off mortgages, purchased a condo and cars etc.

They knew. They all knew who was behind the checks she was wrtiing against. When I found out...and called them on it...they tried the old tripping me, bullying...etc....framing me. lying.

Years and years of every punch I took every heartache I suffered by proxy every pain every lonliness seemed to be in a huge vault.,

pandoras box. Jimmy's box.

So now I'm poor...I fired my family and my in laws..,.and Alexis Colby Carrington couldn't have done it better with cue cards and the best script writers.

Now the deep deep pain is setting in. I have another health crisis. My heart is broken. In a sad way...and in a physical way.

Tommy and I have been through so much. I have turned bitter and resentful and ugly.

I don't know if this is my new part to play...as I exit this life....it seemed to be such an epic hit with so many opportunites....

and I feel like I was cancelled,,,and I feel like a victim. Victims were the ones I always wanted to reach out for my hand.

I'm sorry. I will probably erase this. I don't know what to do. I hope the few I know, really know will read this....I need a reason...I need more than youtube true crime stories.

The only healing I remember was this.

For Christmas my Mum bought me the Gypsy single as an early Christmas present. She gave me Bella Donna and Mirage to open on Christmas. Gypsy was our song. and after the glitter fades.,

I was watching American Horror., I saw Stevie in the previes for the episode. I commented on a youtube channel that the clip of 2 seconds of her feel as she was walking down a hall was her...everyone was like, you are crazy

I felt my mom and my grandmothers love when Stevie sang Gypsy...it reminded me of learning my lines and rehearsing in front of them as a teen...when Stevie was singing ...she is dancing away from you now...I still see your bright eyes...she was just a wish...as she whispered to Misty...taking her cheeks into her hands (kind of like she did to me the first time I met her) I still play that..,,It felt like Ma was there....I saw it for a reason....and the destiny thing.

I'm tirec of explaining and defending everything I do and have done,.,,as I can no longer deal with them.

Can anyone help me. i never ask...I have a shrink...I don't have anyone i have let in except for Lydia.

Personally, however you are able, if it is physically and mentally and emotionally possible for you, -- for me, personally, life always improves by leaps and bounds the moment I start volunteering, helping others, joining a community project, those kinds of things.

Stepping outside myself and reaching helping hands. I know it sounds corny but it works like nothing else. For me at least.

I don't know you but you sound incredibly stressed. Maybe for now you should just take small steps like go to a doctor and get a physical. Make sure your not suffering from some electrolyte problems or vitamin deficiencies. Make sure your heart rate is good, your blood pressure is good, and so on. Maybe from there things will settle a bit. Sasja also gave you other great suggestions when after you make sure you are physically okay. Good luck to you. I hope things get better for you.

I've always done the best I could do. When I didn't do the best I could...guilt consumed me.
My family is so ****ed up. I have brothers and a sister that I unfortunately know more than I would ever want to know.

They think they know me.

They don't know a thing about me.

Yeah, I get the part where they fail miserably. In spite of them growing up more "privliged' than I did. I grew up mostly with my grandmother. She, like me, was born into a family of privlige. Somehow, self righteous, bigoted, selfish bullies ripped that from her and her mom and siblings.

Nothing was ever handed to me. My grandmother was hard on me. She never hit me or hurt me physically or emotionally. She wanted me to be strong. She was the strongest, most creative, loyal and beautiful person I have ever known.

If you are Stevie fans...some of you might believe in certain "magic" gifts handed down through generations. You know, the thing that skips a generation.

Intuition. That was her strength. That is how she always seemed to know something was coming...and she was prepared. She single handedly raised 4 kids alone during very poor times...the big war. She was pregnant with my mom and she was caring for her mom that was ill...her mom was young. She was starting a new family and her in laws hated her.

Some of you know a little about me. Very little.

I just started opening pages of my life in photos.
The famous photots...with the famous people...and my famous ex boyfriend that wanted the world to know how much we were in love.

Blackmail. Contracts. Bull****. Threats.
I lived in two worlds...Beverly Hillls was where my home was. My success seemed to start at the top.

My dad left my mom and the war over money. My own sister and brother brought lawyer in an army to leave her destitute.

I left my boyfriend, It hurt him. It hurt me. He was waaay more into losing so much as he was already a successful leading man. We already saw tragedy among tormented talent friends...and what your "management" demands. One of us died....that was the worst.
I was going to school. Social Science. I wanted to heal...I wanted a voice. I had a voice.

I moved back to the East Coast. I was unhappy for a year or so. I went to rehab here. A couple of times. I now know about "..what you had..,.and what you lost.,,."

Again, I started at the top. I went into a big company. I made good money.

9/11 and subsequent...money and my place on a corporate ladder was shaky.
Intuition.

i bought my mom's house for her. I bought my brother a 2nd, 3rd, 4th...chance. I took their insults...and i never let them hurt me.

i got fat. Really fat...
We all deal.

Somehow, they managed to get in...and hurt me and my mom...and my boyfriend Tom of 14 years.

I shattered my foot. I was in bed for a year. My kidneys shut down. My brain was swelling and hitting my skull.

My mom got sick. They knew her diagnosis...and kept it from me. The ONLY time I asked for help was when my mom lost her mind...such as, thinking I was selling drugs out of my bedroom window. Remember I gave all that **** up before I turned 30.

Knowing my mom had rapid onset, severe alzheimeers plaque and medication conflicts regarding steroids, asthma inhalors and thyroid medicine made her case severe. She would have gotten the disease anyway but, her medicines were causing damage to one thing while it fixed another thing.

They pulled up my past...and I wound up in a nuthouse. i couldn't belive it until a doctor came to me and asked if he shoud call me James or my professional "hollywood" name...chuckling. They took me into a protective place while they investigated what the **** my brothers and sisters and mother and aunt were doing...You guys don't even want to know...but,hell...everyone has a sextape and at least my full frotals were taken when I looked good naked. damn.

Anyway, in my life I have always been able to kind of hover about everything and everyone, My grandmother made me strong. My mom seemed to know what she was doing when she gave me to her as an infant....I never would have fit in with them...artsy and creative vs my dad beating me up...and brothers and sisters always trying to compete with me over stupid stuff,..,.and doing stuff like tripping me so they could "win" You know what i mean? Metephorically and Literally.

I never threw around titles. In my own life I was always Jim...not M******* I always did the right thing....and when I didn't I fixed it When I hurt someone...I was just as hurt and quick to apologize and offer what ever they wanted to right a wrong.

I watched my young, beautiful mom disappear in front of me into a stroke. This last year she spent in her mind realizing that I was her son that never let her fall, never left her alone...She was a victim of child molestation...that prior year was hell for her as it came pouring out of her...the old wounds...the trauma...We did it together,. I have a special needs brother she needed me to promise her that I would do for him...as good as I did for her.

During this time Hollywood came back....on my terms. I was armed with my best friend (a famous blond icon of the late 80s early 90s) One was a reality series offer...and the other was a series based on books, screen plays we collaborated on.
I'm glad our lawyers stopped the reality show dead during negotiations. I, oddly enough, never really watched TV. I saw what they did to an old friend of mine. Kim Richards. I called out DR Phil...and her sister...and leaked some of the real story.

My mom is gone. I'm devastated,. There was so much she kept trying to make right with me and my fear in life was her or ny grandmiother dying and me disappointing them...or any kind of pain that couldn't be reconciled.

I'm sure you can see I haven't written in a long time. No poilitics, no Huffiungton Post, no podcasts, no charity red carpets....no Hollywood. No follow up to my first book.

My mom was in a brain loop trying to make things right with us. No matter how many times I reasssured her....hey Ma...it's Me Jimmy....I'm here...it's all good.

They took this opportunity to cash in on her....a big part of what she was trying to make right was.....they came to her with sad stories....and in her fragile state....paid off mortgages, purchased a condo and cars etc.

They knew. They all knew who was behind the checks she was wrtiing against. When I found out...and called them on it...they tried the old tripping me, bullying...etc....framing me. lying.

Years and years of every punch I took every heartache I suffered by proxy every pain every lonliness seemed to be in a huge vault.,

pandoras box. Jimmy's box.

So now I'm poor...I fired my family and my in laws..,.and Alexis Colby Carrington couldn't have done it better with cue cards and the best script writers.

Now the deep deep pain is setting in. I have another health crisis. My heart is broken. In a sad way...and in a physical way.

Tommy and I have been through so much. I have turned bitter and resentful and ugly.

I don't know if this is my new part to play...as I exit this life....it seemed to be such an epic hit with so many opportunites....

and I feel like I was cancelled,,,and I feel like a victim. Victims were the ones I always wanted to reach out for my hand.

I'm sorry. I will probably erase this. I don't know what to do. I hope the few I know, really know will read this....I need a reason...I need more than youtube true crime stories.

The only healing I remember was this.

For Christmas my Mum bought me the Gypsy single as an early Christmas present. She gave me Bella Donna and Mirage to open on Christmas. Gypsy was our song. and after the glitter fades.,

I was watching American Horror., I saw Stevie in the previes for the episode. I commented on a youtube channel that the clip of 2 seconds of her feel as she was walking down a hall was her...everyone was like, you are crazy

I felt my mom and my grandmothers love when Stevie sang Gypsy...it reminded me of learning my lines and rehearsing in front of them as a teen...when Stevie was singing ...she is dancing away from you now...I still see your bright eyes...she was just a wish...as she whispered to Misty...taking her cheeks into her hands (kind of like she did to me the first time I met her) I still play that..,,It felt like Ma was there....I saw it for a reason....and the destiny thing.

I'm tirec of explaining and defending everything I do and have done,.,,as I can no longer deal with them.

Can anyone help me. i never ask...I have a shrink...I don't have anyone i have let in except for Lydia.

Ok you need to pray. You need to chant. You need to focus the universe on you and just surrender. You got dealt a crappy hand and you need to accept it and to live in spite of it. Pray, chant and surrender.

I bet even writing that all out was helpful, no? Maybe re-read it and try to realize the things you can't change and the things you can. Moving on from the past is easier said than done, but you can do it, small steps.