Tuesday, December 30, 2008

The Grand Finale: The Roast of the Cadillac Records

Aight.... 2008 is almost over and 2009 is nearly upon us. So I feel like I better finish this daggone roast. Before it becomes irrelevant (maybe it has??)

Diddy..... WHAT THE FU*K ARE YOU DOING HERE?! Oh that's right. Being Diddy. Which means 'doing too much' is your natural state of being. Was everybody at this thing confused as to what season it was and WHERE this event was? Not only that, but you must have been confused as to the time of day as well. I mean, ginormous dark sunglasses at night!?!? Is your life so damn sparkly bright that you gotta wear shades? Reminds me of that song:

Mama Tina... Mama Tina...*sigh*I know you done birthed some babies and lived some life and your figure ain't exactly what is used to be (but its still tight... i give credit where it is due). But DANG IT, you could have done SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS!!!. Maybe you didn't want to steal the spotlight from your darling baby (who seems quite adept at keeping her spotlight well focused on herself anyway) which would explain why you look so.... desperately dowdy. I mean, you are the mama of one of the most self- proclaimingest- diva- wannabes on the face of the Earth. You are the co-conspirator, I mean creator, behind House of Damnitswrong ooops, I MEAN Dereon. Sorry. You would THINK your outfit would, um... not look like something I wore to work last week. I mean seriously, I own a dress that looks strikingly simliar to this one... and I wear it to WORK. At the health department. yeeeeahhh.

Not only do I wear it to work, but, dare I say it, I wear it BETTER THAN YOU. Wanna know why? Two words... PROPER SHAPEWEAR. Oh yeah... and something else addressed below*

I have just a couple of teeny tiny questions for you, Mama Tina.

1) Why do your boobs look like they are running away from your collar bone? Seriously, looking like they are making a break for the border... between your navel and your girlie parts. My mama is about to turn 60, and her boobs are perkier looking than yours. As a 'fashion' designer, you of all people should know a good bra is a busty girl's BEST FRIEND.

*2) I gotta give you credit... the rest of your figure is RIGHT. But I'm looking at you and it looks like you are having trouble breathing. That dress is tight, huh? A little too tight perhaps? No disrespect, but you ain't her sister, you are her mama. Dress accordingly. Thanks.

For all of the above.... EPIC FAIL.

Mos Def(initely NOT!!!)

This pic was smaller than the others, but I want you all to look and see if you see what it is that I see when I see this SADNESS here. (that was fun)

Is it just me or does my boy Mos Def look like he got caught in a rain storm of "Aw Hayle NAW!". He's trying to be dapper but ends up looking like a well dressed homeless guy. What is going on wit that hat??? Did he get caught in the rain? Were you trying to rakishly tip it to one side? Either way... nuh uh.... LOSE THE HAT. Next up is that topcoat with what looks like a Manchester Prep crest on it.... Yo Mos, you borrowed your nephew's private school uniform... right? That has to be the explanation for this mess right here! I mean you seriously didn't BUY that coat, DID YOU?!?!?!?! And as for the bow tie.... JUST STOP IT. STOP IT RIGHT NOW. But then again... Talib was always the better dressed out of BlackStar, wasn't he? Yep, thought so.

One more... this isn't a fashion roast so much as EVIDENCE for the fact that Neyo just needs to hurry up and come on out of that stuffy musty dusty ass closet.

What in the TANGY ZESTY SWEET 'N FRUITY HELL is that handshake all about? Made even zestier by the schmedium jeans, skully and AGAIN, with the SUNGLASSES AT NIGHT. Guess he didn't want Jigga man to catch him checking out his package....

This concludes the roast of the Cadillac Records Movie Premier. Hope you didn't choke on your Cap'n Crunch while giggling. If you did, be aware that you can't sue me. I ain't got no money no kinda way.