Basically I've decided I'm going to end my life. I understand it's a very selfish thing to do but please before carrying on realise that I generally know that this will make me happy and is definitely happening. I just need help which is considered the least painful way? See I figured that I'd leave the country and do it because that way my friends can always retain hope that I'm alive but I have no other option and I know you guys on here are brilliant at helping people but I don't need that I just need advice l. I'm sorry I couldn't make it through this because I'm sure some of you are strong enough to do so. Thank you for everything.

Thanks this page has some great people but my decision is made. I'm so sorry but I haven't slept in 4 days and before that it was just naps I'm finished and I'm sorry to let you down. My friends will get over it very quickly

3 years agoHidden

Please ring the Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90. X

3 years agoHiddenAdministrator

Hi Mitchell

Sorry things have gotten so bad for you.

I'm glad that you came on here and posted.

Firstly, I wanted to say that I cannot give advice on the least painful way to end your own life, and I don't think it is something that others here should do either.

I am interested in hearing what has been happening for you.

A month ago when you posted you were suicidal but you said 'There is a women in my life and she is the only reason I'm still here' Is she still about?

Does anyone know how bad things are for you right now? You say 'I figured that I'd leave the country and do it because that way my friends can always retain hope that I'm alive'. It seems from this that you care very much about your friends. Is there any of them who you are particularly close to?

In your previous post a month ago, you did sound very depressed. You also mentioned that you kept passing out, so sounds like there is possibly a physical health issue too. Have you had any professional help with these?

Sorry to ask so many questions. I'd really love to get an idea of your situation.

It is a very, very scary thing to feel the way you do at the moment. I know, I've been there. I was long term suicidal and attempted it on a few occasions. I even spent a long time trying to find ways that would definitely work, and ways that would upset my family less. So I identify a lot with your post.

But eventually I found hope in my life, and things did improve with a lot of time and work. I still feel suicidal sometimes, but the thoughts pass, and I do things that I find help me. But despite how I was then I actually feel so glad to still be alive now. There is hope and you can get past this, but I know that that does little to ease what you are feeling right now because it is so painful.

She said that she doesn't feel we should be together anymore because the sparks gone. But she was my rock like the last thing I had

3 years agoHiddenAdministrator

Sorry that that happened with the lady. I had a feeling it may be something like that. I know that break-ups are something incredibly painful for me, and have left me feeling like this in the past.

I can't say 'I know how you feel'. I can't. Only you can know that. But I know how it was for me, and it was horrible. On one occasion it was even less of a case of 'I can't go on without them', but more a case of 'I can't bear to feel this ever again', so I can't keep going. But I did. And I did feel it again. And it was really horrible. But I got through it.

What happened for me to be happy again?

It's a really difficult question, probably because it was a combination of a lot of things - rather than one single thing - and I am not sure which things worked more than others.

An important point, I think, is that everyone is different and what works for one will not work for another. It's about each person finding what helps them.

But me...

I got professional help, and one professional in particular was a real rock to me. She really supported and I could see that she truly cared. She walked a really difficult road with me, and (excuse the cliches, but it feels true), she held on to the hope for me when I had none. She really helped get me through .

I connected with others who had experienced similar but got through it. My rational mind told me that if they got through it so too could I. My unwell mind disagreed with that strongly at many times. But that rational belief that if they got through it so too could I? I clung on to that belief with all that I had.

Connections with others were important for me. Being open about what I was feeling, despite the stigma, and despite imagining what others would think of me. Interacting with others. Keeping busy. But getting professional help was an important part of it for me, because I needed help to get to the point where I could even function normally.

I realised that I didn't actually want to be dead. That I couldn't bear what I was feeling, meaning I couldn't bear living, but I didn't actually want to be dead. It wasn't about what it would put others through. It was that I wanted a chance at a good and happy and successful life, the same chance others had. I wanetd to achieve things with my life. I didn't want to be dead in my 20s and not by suicide.

I didn't believe that I could be happy. I didn't believe I could be ok. But realising that I wanted that more than I wanted to be dead was a good starting point. I remember writing a long piece of writing after one suicide attempt that I would be happy to share. And I wrote in it that I was choosing to live no matter how hard it got. But that was a difficult decision, because just because I made that decision didn't mean the suicidal thoughts left me, and didn't mean it got easier overnight. But even making that decision was a turning point for me. Just realising I wanted to live, that was a starting point.

I have lots of other things I tried and did. But I know I've already written quite a bit, and don't want to go on too much longer.

But another thing that helped me - and still helps when I have those thoughts - is that I didn't decide I won't ever end my own life, but each day I will say 'I won't do it today'. Each day I just need to commit to myself 'not today', and each of those 'not todays' turn into a lot of days. But commiting never to do it is too hard. By each day saying 'not today' there is less pressure, which makes it easier.

I'm sorry if I'm going on a bit.. But the question of what helped me get happy again is just so loaded, I didn't know where to start. I had also decided that there was no going back for me. I had to find a way to end my own life. There was no other way because I couldn't bear it anymore. This was most of 2011 for me.

I'm glad I didn't end my own life. Each day I seem to notice another reason that I'm glad. Today my reason is that if I had taken my own life I wouldn't be here today to chat with you.

Thanks I just don't see a way of getting out of this mess I need something incredible to happen to show me things are good nothings ever happened in my life that says 'look how great life can be'. But I'll keep trying for as long as I can

3 years agoHiddenAdministrator

Mitchell you just said 'But I'll keep trying as long as I can', that is a really great starting point, you know.

One of the most difficult things is that when you say 'I just don't see a way of getting out of this mess, I need something incredible to happen...' is that no one can say exactly what that will be. But there will be something. Or a combination of things.

Because you are at such a low point, you probably wont' get out of it in a short period of time. It probably won't be the case of one thing happening and you feel good again.

But it could even be about little things happening that give you hope and slowly you start to find some hope in life again.

Has there been a time in your life that you felt like this before? Even if not quite as bad as this?

If so, what helped you get through in that case.

Thank you for keeping interacting here, Mitchell, I think that you are doing great.

No not anymore I used to when my mom tried to kill herself a few years back but I'm in the dark a bit just feel like they'll be thinking I'm an attention seeking ass

3 years agoHiddenAdministrator

I can understand that feeling.

But they are trained professionals and should know better.

And something worth considering is that sometimes we need attention. Society has this 'attention seeking' term like people are just seeking attention just to be awkward, and just for the sake of attention.

We all attention seek in some ways. We seek attention because we need attention.

What i'm thinking is that when I read your post here I could hear your distress, the finality, the pain you are in....the term 'attention seeking' never came to mind once.

So would it be an idea to maybe get an emergency appointment, and maybe bring in a print-out of this thread? If it would maybe help give them some insight to how you are feeling?

hi Mitchell, Amanda is right, it won't get better overnight, but there will be times when you can find yourself thinking "last week / yesterday wasn't as bad as the one before" or you find yourself smiling or even laughing aloud at something, gradually things can ease from this horrible place you are in at the moment.

One thing I will promise you,

if you come through this bad time -

the very fact that you have gone through this hell and survived means that you will never get this low again.

at the moment it is a very scary place and suicide seems to be the only solution. But. By talking on here, telling us how you feel, talking to Amanda and saying "But I'll keep trying as long as I can" you have taken the first steps on the path out of hell.

I made you that promise that you will never get this low again because - although you may experience similar feelings and fears; next time you will then have one thing you are searching for at the moment - Hope. and you'll know that you were as low as a person can get, but you survived, that you came through it and can do again. That "knowing" is what pulls many of us through and I hope you will soon feel it.

I've found some very useful helplines for you. I've called the samaritans several times - they're there 24/7, they're not just for suicides and you don't need to give them your real first name. I rang once and just asked the person to stay on the line with me, said I didn't want to talk. she told me her name and said she'd stay on as long as I needed.

I cried and cried, went quiet, then cried again. she came on, now and again, and quietly reassured me she was still there. after a while I felt able to go, so I thanked her. there aren't enough words to explain how she helped me that night.

please stay with us, maybe call one of the helplines. whatever you do is your decision, but I hope you stay with us.

Please come back on and talk to us. I'll check in tomorrow evening.

regards,

sandra x

The Samaritans

The Samaritans provide 24 hour, confidential, emotional support for anyone in crisis.

There is a quote this reminded me of. I can't remember who said it off the top of my head, but:

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'"

I think depression for me is a lot like that. There are often days when my life just becomes about getting through to the end of the day in one piece, and then starting again tomorrow. I also think you have a lot of courage to have come this far. I can't imagine what it must be like not to sleep.

My lowest points are when I find myself thinking exactly the same things that you have.That there is no way away from this, that it will be there forever more. Depression loves to do that to us, convince us that the future is doom-laden.

Personally, I like to think of the depression I have as being like a photographic negative of me; like a twisted alter-ego that tries to convince me of all these things about myself that aren't true. That was born out of learning that depression is a genuine illness caused by physical changes in your brain (it stops producing certain neurotransmitter chemicals, causing the system that regulates your mood to break down - that's how antidepressants work, by helping to fix that).

That visualisation of the depression as a separate entity helps me not to listen to it when it starts telling me I'm doomed to feel horrible about myself forever.

Have you been to a GP? There are plenty of antidepressants and therapies out there that can help. Just having a treatment plan helped me a lot - again, it reinforces the knowledge that this is an illness and can be treated. Go for an emergency appointment if you can.

And keep posting and talking on here, there are always people here to listen.

3 years agoHiddenAdministrator

Just wanted to say thanks for remdinding me of the '

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'"

' quote.

It seems so right for me at the moment. Gonna print it out on nice paper and pin it up on my wall Amanda

Their devastation is compounded by Xmas songs and Xmas time. Don't do this to your parents.

Get your sleep sorted out and you will be more clear in mind. Suicide is a permanent solution

To a temporary problem

Hugs to you

Hannah

3 years agoHidden

Hi Mitchell, I saw your post and couldn't help but respond.

I'm sorry you feel you need to do this, but please try not to. There is hope out there.

Is there anyone you can just pick up the phone and talk to? A friend, a sibling, a relative the Samaritans?

I don't have the answers, but people on here really do care.

We only get one chance here on this earth, life is a journey and it has many twists and turns.

It would be a great loss if you decide to go through with this.

You can talk to me if you want to, just message me.

Viktor

3 years agoHidden

Hello Mitchell

It makes me sad that after one month you still want to end it all still, I realize that your Mother tried a while ago and seems that she has not been there because of Her condition. Suicide is never a way out You may remember I tried to end my life for personal reasons and the medical condition that I have, and suffered for thirty years.

Sad to here that your partner has decided to continue on her way, you could look at this as a new bus will stop in the near future and pick you up. This may be the one who will light that fire and send you of in the right direction once more. Everyone who is looking for that special person, it may meet many ships in the night before that special person draws up to be at your side.

Now you really need help with your negative feelings, suicide sadly is never the way, I was forced to make decisions that have removed me from things that amplified those negative feelings that we all feel at this very sensitive time.

I seemed to pick up that you wanted to end all things abroad so that people who know you would not know where you are, Is this part of your life so painful that you want to do this to them?

All I can say is I made that break with my family, and now I understand they are going mad too find me, I have had to write notes so they know I am ok without telling them where we are.The feeling must be severe. Two months ago we could feel the urgency of those looking for us. Now we have started our new life and a new life has greeted us with open arms, if that is what you want go for it I gather you are still young and still able to begin again, I was sixty two when it happened for me, we are never to young /old to chase those dreams that everyone hopes, will change a life that is so negative in its outlook

Now If I was you seek advice from your GP, call Samaritans and if you feel still negative phone the NHS Health Line,

They will advise you and assist. You can also call in at A and E if the urge is so great.

We all feel what if, well what if could be waiting for you, it is better than ending it all . Over the years I have suffered twenty five years of chatting with CPN s All lead me to the position I feel I am in now. Do not leave your wishes to long do what you want now

hi mitchell, hope you will take on board what everyone is saying about getting the physical side sorted before making any permanent moves. The lack of sleep is gonna push anyone over the edge no matter how perfect their lives. And passing out last month has got to be a warning sigh that you should have checked out. I'm sure you already know about medical issues like thyroid levels that can affect mood.

I just thought. Are you wondering if you have some ghastly disease that you are trying to escape by a quick death. Get some tests done first before deciding that it is game over.

No no one can tell you life is gonna be 'great', that is like telling a grown-up to believe in santa... but the meaning and cause and that missing 'something' you said were missing in last months post is something that can always be worked on. It's just not that easy when depression is sitting on your head. I'm not sure that it is strength that survivors have.... Maybe it is a mixture of persistence, stubbornness, patience, humour, a wish to change, family, and a whole bunch of other stuff that you can tap into.

I don't know if you have already started getting help from the g.p. for, they should be open in between the x-mass bank holidays for on the day appointments. The very fact that last month you wrote so casually that the folks left behind would easily get over your loss should have been a big warning sign to yourself that your thinking was upside down. Get the opinion of your doc, a.s.a.p. If you broke your leg you would get a cast put on and just not chop it off..

Guess I'm going on a bit, but please don't make friends and family see every winter as the anniversary that mitchell choose to leave..

I've read through your reply a few times and i hope mitchell does too. You describe doing lots of individual things that each helped in small individual ways that had a positive snowball effect.

I think i needed reminding myself that on those days when i accuse myself of creating such a shitty situation for myself , i can change it one piece at a time. Going back to the wall metaphor each brick can be painted any colour i please, and if the rain comes and washes off some of the paint we can dip the brush back in the paint and make a new multicoloured design. The real challenge is facing up to that desire to take the scrubbing brush to the wall and scrubbing off all that paint ourselves.

oh and happy birthday for January, hope you paint a beautiful picture all your birthday month.. A

[I posted this in the middle of other much earlier replies and didn't want to be lost]

hi Mitchell, Amanda is right, it won't get better overnight, but there will be times when you can find yourself thinking "last week / yesterday wasn't as bad as the one before" or you find yourself smiling or even laughing aloud at something, gradually things can ease from this horrible place you are in at the moment.

One thing I will promise you,

if you come through this hell and survived means that you will never get this low again.

at the moment it is a very scary place and suicide seems to be the only solution. But. By talking on here, telling us how you feel, talking to Amanda and saying "But I'll keep trying as long as I can" you have taken the first steps on the path out of hell.

I made you that promise that you will never get this low again because - although you may experience similar feelings and fears; next time you will then have one thing you are searching for at the moment - Hope. and you'll know that you were as low as a person can get, but you survived, that you came through it and can do again. That "knowing" is what pulls many of us through and I hope you will soon feel it.

I've found some very useful helplines for you.

I've called the samaritans several times - they're there 24/7, they're not just for suicides and you don't need to give them your real first name. I rang once and just asked the person to stay on the line with me, said I didn't want to talk. she told me her name and said she'd stay on as long as I needed.

I cried and cried, went quiet, then cried again. she came on, now and again, and quietly reassured me she was still there. after a while I felt able to go, so I thanked her.

there aren't enough words to explain how she helped me that night.

please stay with us, maybe call one of the helplines. whatever you do is your decision, but I hope you stay with us.

Please come back on and talk to us. I'll check in tomorrow evening.

regards,

sandra x

The Samaritans

The Samaritans provide 24 hour, confidential, emotional support for anyone in crisis.

We all care. Truly. Life is a precious blessing. We are a blessing to others as others are a blessing to us. Thoughts of suicide are indeed dark and feel endless. Please take a breath, just hold on and DO get help. Malfunctioning brain chemistry is causing distorted thoughts in your brain right now. Medication can help correct the dysfunction. Talking to professionals can help your sort out solutions to your problems that do not involve taking your own life or harming yourself in any way. Sharing with us here in this forum will help you see your problems as others see them, and in that, we may be able to help you find some ways of coping with what seems to be insurmountable burdens. Give us a try. Go ahead! We like hearing what's on your heart. We are full of hope and encouragement, and plenty to share with you. Like I said, we care. We really do.