Six Ways to Ruin Everyone's Lives with Karaoke

It's the holidays! Time for you and your dopey friends from high school to reunite and tear up the town. What'll it be this evening: pouring manure on your hated gym teacher's front door step and then urinating on it? Getting trashed and picking a fight with the bully who became the bouncer at whatever bar that Denny's restaurant turned into?

Or maybe you could do something really wild, like go out and sing some karaoke! It'll be great -- you can lust after other despicable empty-headed twits with business degrees while you ignore your server because you already sent Big Dave-O to the bar to order the drinks. It'll be a blast! For only you guys!

While you're out, make sure you ruin everyone else's chances of enjoying ourselves by obeying these six rules for screwing up karaoke for the rest of us.

6. Sing "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond

Why would you put this song on? Is karaoke some sort of formulaic game to you? Do you also yell out "Free Bird" at concerts and start clapping when someone drops their tray in the cafeteria at work? Or are you just a big fan of the Boston Red Sox? Or the movie Beautiful Girls with Matt Dillon? Please, just sit down. Forever.

It's the same every time you do it. There's the shy one who got dragged up there with no intention of ever actually singing. There's a woman dancing so hard she can't even hold the microphone in front of her face. And the superstar with the constipated face, focusing too hard on actually singing something no one cares about. But who could forget the real crowd pleaser -- the awkward wallflower that doesn't know the song but makes noises and adds commentary. Brilliant.