The World Heavyweight James Bond Championships or: Casino (Battle) Royale

Hey did you know there is a new James Bond movie coming out this week? Yeah, it might be pretty good, I don’t know, we’re not in a position where they send us screeners or anything. Early reviews seem aight. I like James Bond, I’ll be honest though, I was never a Daniel Craig guy (though I did enjoy Skyfall a lot), the old boy looks like he’s going to be hanging up the PPK after this one, which has lead to a lot of discussion in recent days about who should take over the role after Craig.

Well I like a bit of clickbait as much as the next guy, so I’m going to go through the actors currently in the running according to the media, and probably throw in some of my own left field choices. So hold on to your butts, it’s going to be a wild ride.

Criteria: Candidates are to awarded points from 1-10 on each of the following

Looks

Not how much he looks like a white guy with dark hair, but how generally attractive he is. You can trust me, I’m an expert on male beauty, being a beautiful boy myself.

Toughness

Can he believably beat me up? I’m not a great fighter, but I’m scrappy, and I fight dirty.

Suavity

Could he steal my girlfriend? I mean, if i had one. For a paragon of masculine beauty I have a hard time attracting women. Is it possible I’m not as attractive as I’ve been lead to believe?

Acting

Sorry Jason Statham.

Idris Elba

I love a bit of Idris Elba, old racist dudes would point out that he’s black, and James Bond should be a good old pink-ass white man.

Horsefeathers, I say! It’s time to accept that non white people count as humans too. Sorry, I know this is hard to believe for certain segments of the world.

Looks: 9/10

This is a good looking man. Not too precious, masculine. Not threatening to men, in a way that someone who is less rugged like an Orlando Bloom might be. Looks like a really cool guy, you’d want to be friends with him. I think guys pick out their friends by who looks the coolest. The same way you pick your favorite dinosaur.

Toughness: 8/10

Yup, Idris Elba could beat me up. Only 8 because I don’t think he would be that mean about it. Good physique, not overwhelmingly muscled. Big frame.

Suavity: 10/10

I would stand no chance against him if he ever decided to steal a girl from me. He has that suave english cool mixed with a little bit of rough. I’d be helpless.

Acting: 8/10

Solid actor, has some range, can play serious and can be a little funny which could be a big plus depending on what direction the Bond films go in the future. If they take a lighter tone (fingers crossed) Idris could be really great.

Overall: 35/40 Strong start.

Tom Hardy

Idris Elba’s RocknRolla castmate Tom Hardy, man of 1000 voices. Terrific actor, genre and franchise friendly. That could be a negative in his case though, he’s presumably going to do more Mad Max, he might not want to be tied up to two franchises for so many prime years.

Looks: 8/10

Toughness: 7/10

He can bulk up, and in a more threatening way than some other dudes on this list. Might be a little buff for bond though when he bulks up. Probably won’t go full Bane. Looks a bit like he doesn’t want to get hit in the face. Which is fair, I don’t either.

Suavity: 9/10

Look at this guy. My future wife is already drawing up divorce papers. Has that street toughness that Elba has, also incredibly charming though as evidenced in his turn as Eames in the 2010 Chris Nolan joint, Inception.

Acting: 8/10

He can elevate kinda dumb meterial. I’m a fan. I just want more Tom Hardy in my life, you know? Not much else I can say on the subject, I'm sure you love him too.

Overall: 32/40

Michael Fassbender

Looks: 7/10

Woof, ok. So he looks like a guy who would try to kill you with a knife he made out of an old spoon. I think it’s his smile, he looks like he’s half shark.

Toughness: 10/10

He would murder me, and he wouldn’t be nice about it either. Very wiry. Doesn’t have the big body of a Tom Hardy, but he still looks like the last guy I want to see on the other side of a boxing ring.

Suavity: 7/10

My odds aren’t great, but I think I stand a chance if he smiles. Like I said earlier, the man can wear a suit and has espionage credentials (see: Haywire), he’s definitely not unhandsome, and he’s actually pretty charming and self effacing as evidenced in his appearance along side a super hammered Mark Whalberg and Sarah Silverman on the Graham Norton Show a couple of years back. It was a crazy episode.

Just watch the whole thing, I'll wait.

Acting: 10/10

Shame, 12 Years a Slave, Frank, Hunger, and he’s supposed to be dynamite as Steve Jobs. I don’t know, I didn’t see it, and according to the box office neither did you. Probably the best actor on this list, narrowly edging out Tom Hardy.

Overall: 34/40 but 40/40 in my heart.

Henry Cavill

Hey, he plays Superman in a movie I didn’t care enough to see. I don’t know, he seems like an agreeable enough man.

Looks: 7/10

Looks like Matt Bomer’s buffer brother. Now Matt Bomer, that’s a good looking kid. Someone get him on the phone. More like Matt Boner, right ladies? Say whaaaaat! Anyways, Hank Cavill looks more like if James Bond had a jock cousin, Harry Bond, who really likes rugby and being mean to women, which I guess is actually a pretty Bondian trait.

Toughness: 5/10

Look, I know he’s really big, but his muscles just look like they’re for show. He could possibly beat me up. I think if I got to him early with a wiener punch and some kicking him while he’s down I might be able to take him. I don’t know.

Suavity: 5/10

He’s kinda slimy, at least that’s the impression I got from him in The Man From U.N.C.L.E. which was a pretty decent film. He doesn’t seem clever enough though.

Acting: 5/10

Not a great actor. As much as I liked U.N.C.L.E., I would have liked it more with an actor with more skill and charisma than him. He’s a better actor than me, but that’s about it. Sorry Henry, You’re still better looking than me for what it’s worth.

It’s worth nothing.

Overall: 22/40

Tom Hiddleston

Look, I don’t know anything about him.

Looks: 5/10

I wouldn’t classify him as a handsome man, at least not in a James Bond sort of way. He looks more like a villain. Which is I guess what he’s best known for, so great casting, guys.

Toughness: 3/10

I could definitely beat him up. I guess unless he flew away. He might be a bird, with that beak of his. That was a low blow, I’m sorry. My nose is kinda dumb too. I’m just projecting. Bottom line, dude is softer than Charmin.

Suavity: 7/10

Look, girls seem to really like him, I don’t get it. I guess I don’t know what women want.

Acting: 6/10

Is he any good? I’ve only seen him as Loki, he’s alright at that.

Overall: 21/40

Hugh Jackman

The old man of the group at 47. Time isn’t on his side. 3 or 4 bond films could take him into his late 50’s or even early 60’s.

Looks: 8/10

Yeah he’s a total beefcake, no question. Does he look like a Bond? He could, I guess. He’s definitely more in the Brosnan maybe Roger Moore vein than a Daniel Craig or Connery type.

Toughness: 4/10

Could definitely murder me in his sleep, but looks way too friendly to do it. What a sweet boy. Has done too much song and dance to really strike fear in anyone's heart.

Suavity: 3/10

Boy he’s really taking a beating in this category. It’s his Australian accent. I’m sorry Australia, but that’s a top 5 worst accent.

Acting: 7/10

Decent actor. Nice performances in Denis Villenueve’s Prisoners and Nolan’s The Prestige, one of my favorite movies. Another actor with range, just a shame he’s on the older end of the age scale of these guys. Also a shame he’s got that ridiculous accent.

Overall: 22/40

David Oyelowo

A bit left field, but he has a sophistication to him that I really like. Plus he's a british man, and being more unknown hasn't really been a problem with casting previous Bonds, Daniel Craig wasn't exactly the biggest star before Bond.

Looks: 7/10

Another handsome boy, not as rugged as others on this list, he’s almost a little soft

Toughness: 6/10

He’s a bit unthreatening looking if I’m being honest, but I bet he throws a mean right hook. Could definitely beat up Tom Hiddleston, and probably fights by the rules. It doesn’t help that he played Martin Luther King Jr.

Suavity: 7/10

Could probably steal your girl, definitely charming. But at the same time, much too sweet to actually steal your girl.

Acting: 7/10

He’s good, Selma earned him a number of best actor nominations. I’ve never seen him carry an Action film though. Could he do it? Maybe, honestly it could be brilliant or a disaster, not as much of a sure thing as Elba.

Overall: 27/40

Damian Lewis

Insiders were saying he was the top pick for next Bond. I certainly don’t see it.

Looks: 4/10

He’s not a great looking guy, I’m comfortable saying I’m more handsome than him, and I’m not more handsome than anyone. Plus, red hair, that’s one step away from being an alien. Sorry to all the beautiful red haired girls reading this, aliens aren’t all bad.

Toughness: 8/10

He definitely looks like a guy who’s knocked out a few teeth. He’s mostly recognizable to me as Major Dick Winters in 2001's Band of Brothers. He had to be tough to kill as many dirty Nazi’s as he did.

Suavity: 5/10

I guess if your girl is into weird looking dudes you’re in trouble. Unfortunately for me, I’m kinda weird looking, so I guess I have a 50/50 chance of keeping her. I’ve never really seen him interacting with a woman, there weren’t too many in Band of Brothers, and I haven’t seen Homeland, because I’m a person with taste.

Acting: 7/10

Really terrific in Band of Brothers, I know it’s the only thing I talk about, but it’s the only thing I really remember him in. Bond is a killer, Dick Winters is a soldier, they aren’t always the same thing.

Overall: 24/40

Clive Owen

If Hugh Jackman is the old man of the group, at 51 Clive Owen is basically a mummy. Bless him, I do enjoy his work.

Looks: 7/10

He’s aged a bit, it’s natural. Can’t fault a man for showing his age. I hope I look that good at 50.

Toughness 8/10

He looks like a man who has been punched in the face a lot, and punched back. He got to show off in the real violent and pretty entertaining Shoot ‘Em Up and the underrated The International. He was cool in Sin City, and was sorely missed in the sequel where they replaced him with the questionable Josh Brolin.

Suavity 6/10

He ain't bad, but he’s more of a blunt instrument in the Craig mold. He seems like he could come across as cold, especially after seeing him in The Knick, where all his relationships with women are perfectly warm and loving. Which maybe isn't the most important quality in a bond, especially if you’re continuing with the tone of the last few movies.

Acting: 9/10

The Knick is basically Soderbergh and Clive Owen stunting on everything else on TV right now. He was no slouch in Children of Men either. He was nominated for a ton of awards and won a BAFTA for Closer, multiple nominations for Gosford Park. Clive Owen is a serious actor.

Overall: 30/10

Jake Gyllenhaal

Jake Nasty! My man! The last guy on my Acting Mount Rushmore that I mentioned earlier.

Oh, yeah, he’s American. I mean, he can do accents right? We all saw Prince of Persia! Oh, just me? Well then.

Looks: 7/10

He’s a little goofy looking, but it’s endearing. Got them Swedish genes, and as we all know they’re the best people.

Toughness: 7/10

He can do giant buff man like in Southpaw or dangerous weirdo like in Nightcrawler. He was something in between in Villeneuve’s Prisoners (alongside Hugh Jackman).

Suavity: 4/10

Just this whole American thing isn’t working for him. He’s also not had much great onscreen chemistry with a lot of his female costars, besides Anne Hathaway, but even I have chemistry with her. Mostly I love her. I think the chemistry is one sided, and maybe more than just a little all in my head. He was decent opposite Michelle Monaghan in Source Code, but their relationship wasn’t the kind of relationship Bond has with women, it was almost nervous.

Any woman would leave me for him though. Just maybe not onscreen .

Acting: 8/10

He’s far from a perfect actor, accents might be a problem. He’s been on a pretty good run in the past few years though. Zodiac, Source Code, Enemy, Nightcrawler, Prisoners. Going further back he has an Oscar nomination for Brokeback Mountain.

Overall 26/40 It’ll never happen, but he’d still be better than Tom Hiddleston.

Conclusion

The obvious winner is Idris Elba. I think I’m far from the only one who thinks so, there are probably hundreds of articles on the internet and Tumblr posts dedicated to this cause. Let’s just hope that EON and whatever other old white dudes are in charge snap out of it and give the people that they want.