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Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Seeing a lot of different blogger's farewell to this year, I see I'm not the only one who had, bluntly speaking, a severely shitty year. Like so many others, this year brought insane amounts of change, heartache, heartBREAK, and even renewal.

This year saw the ending of mine and Druid's relationship, our struggle to maintain a friendship, our respective losses of going to college due to different complications arising, the loss of our apartment. My kids lost having their Daddy so close by since Druid had to go to Florida. This year has seen us homeless yet kept from drowning entirely. If my parents hadn't helped me as much as they did, I really don't know where we would be right now.

This year I have had love come and go and come again. I had been inexplicably abandoned only to have someone else amazing come into my life. I'm not gonna lie: I still grieve for the one who left, but I'm still very thankful for the one who is here. There is still the occasional wistful wishing that things had turned out differently. Especially right now as, had things not gone all clusterfucked as they did and had he not disappeared on me, we had planned for me to fly to Michigan to see him for a week this Saturday. I think that ache lingers still because of the lack of closure. Every day is an exercise in continuing to let go and move on with my life but part of me will always love him.

As for the one who is in my life now, he is wonderful. He has been a soothing balm in more ways than I can express. Because of him, life has taken on a tinge of hope that I haven't seen in a long time. Because of him, my kids and I have had the best Christmas we've had in years, and I'm not talking from a materialistic aspect. Getting to spend the holidays in the loving company of him and his kids has kinda renewed my liking of Christmas after so many Christmases that were more misery and loneliness than anything.

This year also saw the final loss of someone I had considered to be one of my very best friends. The kind of person she ultimately proved herself to be was vindictive and toxic and flat-out miserable. Instead of just walking away and moving on with her life as I was more than content to do at the end, she elected to, once again, try to sabotage my life by attempting to ruin my relationship with E, tried to trash my honor to him, tried to get him to believe that I'm a child abuser, said the most eye-poppingly vile things to E when he called her on her bullshit, sold me out yet again to my ex-husband (long story) and yet she has the nerve to call herself a Pagan. SMH (I say that scoffingly because she's one of the ones who claims to abide by the "Harm None" thing)

It's a real pity when people feel the need to take such horrid actions. But it speaks way more about them than it does about the people that they're trying to destroy and, ultimately, people like her just end up staying down in their miserable filth and all the bad Karma they've brought upon themselves.

It really is sad because I loved her like a sister, took a lot of shit from Druid because I wanted to believe the best about her but, in the end, it turns out he was right about her all along. I don't like it when people turn out to not be worth the faith that I invest in them. I'm not meaning any of this as though I'm all shiny or anything, 'cause I'm not. But I never should have let her back into my life.

A couple days ago I was watching a documentary on Netflix about the 2011 earthquake and tsunami in Japan. I'd remembered hearing at the time that it actually happened that the earthquake was so strong that it actually affected the earth's tilt on its axis by about 10 inches and caused the earth to spin about a second or so faster. Metaphorically speaking, that's what it feels like the events of 2013 have done to my life. The changes were so quick, so violent and wrenching even, that my world has shifted on its axis. This year was my 9 earthquake. My world fell apart all around me, but even then, not everything was hopeless.

I got knocked down, I grieved, and then I did my best to keep going like so many other people have this year. I dare say that 2013 was a 9 earthquake for a lot of people. So many shitty things happened, but there were still good things too.

So now this last day of 2013, a Super Moon new moon awaits to greet us into 2014. Today is a day for letting go of what's gone and for looking forward to the prosperity that lies ahead. I really hope that 2014 goes WAAAAAAAAAAY better than 2013 did! And I'm sure I'm not the only one with that hope :3

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Hmmmm......I guess I have a slight issue with the word "mythological". Don't get me wrong, I understand what they're asking, but the word "mythological", to me, implies that the creatures lumped into that category don't exist -- that they're just the products of someone's imagination that wove them into tales and legends.

I can just imagine the "well, duh!" stares I might be getting from whomever reads this. But please bear in mind: whether you believe me or not, I originated as an Elf and the realm I came from had these "imaginary" creatures. Dragons, Unicorns, Pegasi, you name it, we probably had them in our area or knew where you could go to see one. But even then, these creatures weren't "animals" like humans tend to view animals here. Here, animals generally tend to be seen as "inferior". A crap-ton of humans don't even think that animals have souls, arrogantly thinking that only humans go to the after-life, etc. Animals are thoughtlessly murdered, some to the point or almost to the point of extinction, for absolutely macabre trophies and the rest of their remains are left behind to go to waste. And yes, I know that the wasteful trophy hunting is something that has become highly discouraged, but it still happens. I have no problems with a hunter who takes down a deer so long as the meat is properly dealt with (but I think keeping a kill's decapitated head is horrendously disgusting and is not unlike the old practice of putting a beheaded person's head on a spike). Hell, even there we hunted. But every kill was valued and treated with respect and none of it went to waste.

Where I come from, though, the creatures -- from the more fantastical to the more "mundane" -- are more sentient. I don't mean that in terms as to say that they could all talk the way the more humanoid races could. But we just all understood each other. Elves there are more connected to nature in a way that humans here (generally speaking) would never understand. We could listen to their vocals and understand what they were saying much in the same way that that Shaun Ellis (aka the Wolf man) understands wolves. In fact, personally, if that dude isn't Other or Therian in some form or fashion, I'd be massively surprised. But that's just me.

Eye contact with the creatures would often times allow for a telepathic link if the creature would allow it and if the creature was willing to take that trust and bond further, the link could be kept open even without looking. There was a pack of wolves that lived in the area of my village that had that kind of bond with us. They'd even let us run with them when we were Shifted. But, as much as we Elves had that kinship with nature, don't let that fool you into thinking that all creatures allowed such a bond with us. That wolf pack was the only one out of 2 - 4 others that allowed that mental link.

Dragons were more sentient. They could be tricky to deal with -- great care had to be taken not to accidentally say something offensive, but more often than not, our dealings and relationships with them were friendly. One of my best friends over there was a Dragon and he was one of the ones who enjoyed taking a humanoid form from time to time (not all of them would, but a decent number of them would do so, especially if they needed to come into my village). I daresay that that's one of the reasons I've had such a love of Dragons (about as far back as I can remember) and why I connected with the Fire Element so well as mentioned in previous posts. In fact, it has often crossed my mind that the Dragon that comes when I call upon South in ritual is, in fact, my Dragon friend from Over There :)

Anyway. I've massively digressed. I have many favorite creature types and while many of them don't physically exist in those forms in this realm, they're no more imaginary than the chair I'm currently sitting on.

Missed my DoW post for yesterday. Luckily, it's pretty easy to make up for that.

I took this picture last Fall at the Cold Springs Campground -- one of the few times I was able to get out into nature like this while I was back home *wistful sigh*

When I was there, at last getting to roam the woods like I'd been wanting to so badly and soaking up the Autumn brilliance, the energy of the forest was so welcoming and cozy to me. I don't know how else to put it. It was healing getting to meander among the trees. I miss it there.

This is an especially bittersweet post to write. Two years ago today I woke up for my first morning back home in Colorado. I didn't care that we were starting out living in a motel. I was getting to look out my window and see the mountains again. After almost 6 years trapped endlessly in Oklahoma and no mountains in sight, getting to see the Front Range was something that took my breath away and brought tears to my eyes. And when it snowed two days after coming back home? Oh, dear gods, I was absolutely giddy!! It felt like the Goddess was welcoming me home! It felt like She had understood my homesickness and the snow was Her homecoming present to me.

Now I'm in the desert and gods, I miss my Colorado like frikkin' hell! I don't regret the reasons I came here. Not at all. But that doesn't stop my heart from aching for home. The desert has its own beauty to it and at least there are still mountains in view here. But they're not mountains I can go to to roam. I don't want to tippy-toe through saguaro forests. Still, though, I'm grateful to have mountains to look at. I'm trying to recognize the natural beauty here, but for an Elf who feels most at home in lush forests, it's difficult to see the desert as anything but desolate.

I think about my favorite park back home, remembering getting to sit under the enormous tree that gave wonderful shade during the summer, and I think of how much I'm going to miss wriggling my bare feet in the soft, plush grass while watching my kids playing on the playground. That was beyond heavenly for me. That park was my favorite place to go to get a good dose of Nature in the city. And gods, I miss it.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

I ended up having to do a little impromptu ritual this morning. See, the past couple of days have not been so great for me and, in turn, I admit that I haven't really been a joy to be around. Part of it, I daresay, is PMS -- the pissy temper thing is always worse the week prior to dear ol' Aunt Flo visiting -- but anyone with an iota of sense still understands that blaming a short temper on PMS only goes so far. Now, granted, I have still tried the whole deep breathing thing and other ways to try to rein myself in. Hasn't worked.

My frustrations have been getting the better of me with my children all over the place. Last night it was with dealing with their homework. Oh. My. Goddess. My patience wears thin really quick during homework time mostly because my children, who are VERY smart, try to cop out from actually doing the work and instead revert to just trying to guess what the correct answers are. *twitch* Buuuuuuuuuuuut, when I get frustrated, I know it doesn't help, it stresses them out beyond belief which only provokes them to guess more because suddenly their alarm at my frustration makes their poor little brains forget everything they were ever taught on that subject and it just goes spiraling down from there.

*sigh*

Believe me, I know this isn't a good thing. And this morning wasn't very good either. It started with Aspen and Sage deciding to wake up a good hour before my alarm was set to go off and start LOUDLY horsing around. -_- This, in turn, makes for a VERY grumpy Morgaine, especially since I had a helluva time getting to sleep last night. Still, I thought overall that this morning would still go relatively smoothly at least for getting them ready for school.

Nope.

Sage didn't know where his coat was and Rain had her homework stuff all over the place and didn't have her shoes or socks where they were supposed to be, so she couldn't find them. *twitch twitch* Frustration, once again, got the better of me and it ended up being just a really shitty morning. More yelling, more deep breathing to try to calm myself down that didn't work, etc. Yay! -_- Not.

I got back home from dropping them off at school and I was already, once again, kicking myself and pretty much crumpled over with shame. I headed into the kitchen to put some water on to boil to brew up a cup of Yogi's Kava Stress Relief. While I waited, I brought my computer and my Tarot deck out to the computer desk in the living room as well as my incense burner.

I put a couple cubes of scented wax into the wax warmer to start some good, cheerful scent in the room. I dug into my altar box and found my box of Myrth incense (got it from Wal-Mart). Damn skippy I needed some "myrth" going on! I didn't light it til after I got my tea ready. Finishing my tea prep, I contemplated as I dipped the teabag.

"I choose to not let my frustrations and my temper get the best of me. I choose to not yell. I choose to walk away to calm down if I feel my temper getting away from me. I choose to be more patient." I repeated this again as I stirred some of my favorite creamer into my tea and took a sip. When I sat down at the desk, I took a stick of that Myrth incense out. I inhaled a little of the scent and smiled.

As I lit the incense, I said, "I accept that I make mistakes. I accept that I will make many more. I accept that I will still sometimes lose my temper. But I also acknowledge that, when I do, I will accept my mistake and try to do better at the next given opportunity. So now, as I light this incense, I take into me mirth and humor and a readiness to laugh."

I have 3 jar candles on the desk -- a green Pine-scented, a brown Vanilla Cinnamon Brulee, and a brown Warm Rustic Woods. I lit the Pine. "I draw prosperity and good fortune to me and mine." I lit the two brown candles, saying both times "All negativity is drawn into these flames and burned up, never to be seen again."

After taking a moment to breathe in the wonderful scents of each candle, I sat down to drink my tea and opened up my browser to make this post.

As anyone with children knows, being a parent is not easy. There's so much frustration that comes with it that we just don't tend to experience otherwise. Oh sure, people that don't have kids but watch over other people's children still experience frustration, but they're not as, shall we say, at as much liberty to make the mistakes that we parents do. A babysitter or nanny doesn't have the liberty to lose their temper and yell at their charges. Oh, it still happens, I'm sure, but they run the risk of overstepping their bounds and losing their jobs if they do. So they kinda have to watch their step. Not to mention, though, that more often than not, babysitters only have to watch their charges for a few hours and then go home. Nannies, depending on the situation, sometimes have that same privilege (excluding the live-in nannies, of course).

We parents, though, outside of school and/or daycare, have our children non-stop. Not that we're complaining, of course, but we don't generally tend to get a break from our kids even when we REALLY need one for the sake of the collective sanity of everyone in the home. And then we sometimes feel guilty for feeling that way because, well, we love our kids and a lot of us have that thinking that says "Well, if you love your kids, then you shouldn't NEED a break from them!" or some bunk like that.

I don't know. It's different for everyone.

I'm one of those parents who doesn't really feel like I NEED a break from my kids very often. Part of that, though, is probably because there really isn't any way for me to get that break. I don't have anyone who can babysit them (outside of school) to allow me to get out every once in a while to do something for me. I'm used to always having them home with me and I'm used to finding ways to get my "breaks" at home, whether it's playing a game on my computer or reading or watching a TV show or movie with my kids or by myself while they spend time in their rooms.

Fact of the matter is, though, that I'm a yeller and that's something I've been trying to improve on for quite a while, especially when we were having to stay with other people or when we had to live in the motel room. It was just way too close quarters all around for my Ban Sidhe-like howl to be tolerable. Not to mention that I absolutely HATE the way I feel when I'm yelling at my kids. I feel completely out of control and powerless. Mind you, I don't mean "out of control" as to say that I feel as though I would cause harm to my children. HELL no. I mean that as saying I feel like I feel powerless to regain the control I need to stop yelling.

I was doing a LOT better at not yelling at them as much as I used to, but the past couple of days have felt like all the progress I've made just unraveled. Mentally, I understand that sometimes that happens and that I need to accept it and try harder to maintain my calm. Emotionally, I still feel embarrassed and ashamed of myself, which is why I made the verbal statements that I did earlier which has helped.

Fact is, I know I'm not a bad parent. I make mistakes like anyone else, but I do try to do better. I'm also not afraid to apologize to my children when I do wrong. I don't get the parents that have the mentality of "apologizing to your children shows weakness!" -_- Seriously? It's not easy to apologize, so I say that anyone who is able to do so has a strength of character to be envied.

But my children know that I love them. The day never ends without me giving them hugs and kisses, rectifying any mistakes I've made, and reassuring them that despite the fact that Mommy sometimes goes batshit and no matter how upset I get at them sometimes, that I love them very very VERY much and always will.

Making mistakes does not make us bad parents. Refusing to acknowledge our mistakes and refusing to make an effort to do better for the sake of our children makes a bad parent.

And now, having done all that and reflected on this, I feel a lot more ready to begin my day. :-)

Monday, December 16, 2013

ZOMG!!!! Giving the 44 Days of Witchery another shot, but I'm not starting it over from scratch. What's the point? I might do another post for "Favorite Goddess" but that's about as far back as I feel the need to re-visit. Otherwise I'd just basically have repeat posts and, well, I just don't feel like doing that. :3

Soooooooooo, trying to get this going again, Day 7's prompt is Air Element. Of course. Of course the prompt to pick up where I left off would be something where I'm just kinda drawing a blank on what to say. *facepalm*

I found a purrtyful peekture all artsy-like of the Air Element on Google :-D

The element of Air also rules over three signs of the Zodiac: Aquarius, Gemini, and Libra. Common traits that vary in degree between the three are being more mentally-driven than emotional, very intellectual, and tend to be flexible and open to change. These three are very chatty (I should know -- I'm a Gemini cusp and my Moon is in Libra) and could talk your ears off for hours if you let them. Basically, a lot of their common traits are, for lack of a better word, quite airy. Conversations, life decisions, etc. often end up being things that are flitted to from one thing to the next with very little warning. "Wherever the wind blows you", in my opinion, was a phrase probably coined for an Air sign ;-) LoL Actually, I don't know that for sure or anything, but it definitely fits!

Sunday, December 15, 2013

It had been around 6 months since I last even glanced in the general direction of my website (Morgaine's Witchy Cottage) much less done anything with it. That's something I would like to keep up with better too as I keep in the mindset of trying to keep up with my goals.

I posted a couple of updates in the Site News section of the Home page and added a little blog section -- My Tarot Journey -- in the Book of Shadows area for keeping a log of my (hopefully) daily Tarot readings/daily card pull/etc. *crossing fingers*

I hope y'all don't mind checking out my website. It still has a long ways to go to be more fleshed out with the info I want to have on there, but I'm pleased just to have blown the dust off it a bit and to have added to it what I have. :-)

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

For sure this has, in many ways, been a lack-luster year for me personally. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm glad for what I have accomplished. I'm disappointed that I wasn't able to continue my Year and a Day class, but at least that falling through wasn't due to my lack of follow-through. However, the things that I am disappointed about are due to that.

Excerpt from my personal journal to explain: "I've been feeling a huge pull to do the 30 Days of Otherkin challenge (we'll see how that goes) and to actually finish the 44 Days of Witchery challenge on my much-neglected blog. Sadly, I have yet to actually have the discipline and follow-through to finish any of the challenges I've started out doing. >.< Seriously frikkin' sad, I know. That's something else I want to improve upon: actually finishing the things I start instead of always fading out a few days in.A new year is rapidly approaching which means that a new Pagan Blog Project challenge will be starting. Should be easy, right? One blog post a week? This year will be my 3rd attempt. I'd really like for it to be the charm.

I think the only thing I've ever really successfully finished was my first attempt at NaNoWriMo back in '09. I had actually started late -- 7 days late to be precise -- but I plugged away at it and actually won! That was my only win out of my NaNo attempts and I didn't even try this year or last year. This November I really don't have any reason to not go for it. This year I was still homeless and last year I was in school.

But I hate the fact that I'm so wishy-washy. I do want to become more disciplined at finishing things I start. I think that is my biggest resolution for the coming year. If I do the 365 Days of Tarot, I want to finish it. If I re-start the 44 Days of Witchery, I want to finish it. If I start the 30 Days of Otherkin challenge, I want to finish it. And, really, I know that there's no real reason that I can't accomplish these things. I know it. It's just me having gotten in my own way in times past. And I know it doesn't have to be that way."

I know, overall, it's not hard to do these things on a daily basis. It's just a matter of actually kicking myself in the ass to do so. Perhaps if I can get myself into a more school-minded way of thinking I'll be more motivated. Give myself deadlines and treat these goals like they're school assignments -- they have to be done, non-optional.

I'll see what I can do for entries for the 44 Days of Witchery (I'm just going to continue where I left off -- no point in basically having repeat entries if I can help it) and for the 30 Days of Otherkin. I dunno if I'll make those entries here, though. We'll see.

My big thing at the moment, though, is trying to find a way to do the Tarot every day. One of my friends on Instagram has done the aforementioned 365 Tarot challenge and that's all well and good. I'd like to do that too, but I'd like to find a way to approach it that will best have me getting acquainted with my Tarot deck. I'd like to find a set of daily exercises I can do. If anyone reading this has any ideas, I'd love to hear them. :-) In the meantime, I will try to get in a good habit of drawing a card every morning and logging the meaning from the book. It's a start, right?