Parkinson's
(Disclaimer ...All views expressed here are mine and mine only, so help me lord:) Puns, double entendre, cliches, euphemisms may or may not be intended....that discretion rests solely with the reader depending on their perception...my thots are typed purely as they form in my convoluted brain and spewed forth:)

For most of us it is like hammering a square peg into a round hole. Ouch! No wonder we are bruised...

We try very hard to find a square peg - and some of us find it but most of us don't.

Rev 1 - We are all similar yet unique in our outlook, talents, perspective etc. We all have some talent in us, some skill that in inherent and needed to complete some task small or big does not really matter, just know that what you have to give is important in the whole bigger picture.

Rev 2- We all have our opinions on how people should be, how they should react to any given situation, how they need to live their lives because let's face it we want things to be our way or...Uh huh - wake up call... We all have our good and bad. Only if one experiences the bad can one appreciate the good and vice versa. The biggest thing that mars or destroys any relationship, no matter what kind is "Expectation" Huge ramifications. We all have it, me included, whether we acknowledge it or not, whether consciously or sub consciously we expect something in returnand it flusters us when we do not get it. I think a lot of us will find peace and happiness when we let go of "expecting" something in return and just do things because you want to and not because you have to.

Rev 3- Pride, Ego, Trust, Fear, Vulnerability, Failure all govern our lives.Pride - We all have that some more than others. It is, intertwined, with ego and fear, failure and vulnerability. We feel that if we do give in or acknowledge our weakness that it makes you inferior...but I personally think it only helps and how? Here is my take on it:) Pride and ego just get in the way of one achieving or getting what they want. Because of those emotions, we refuse to look at the problem from all angles. We are so overwhelmed with the way people perceive us that most if not all actions are governed by that.

Most of our actions are done with the fact in our mind, consciously or sub consciously, we all hunger for appreciation, accolades, applause, compliments, motivation because that gives us the impetus, the incentive to try harder. It is innate in our psyche to be appreciated and as that should be. That is the simple reason why a compliment, a positive comment brings a smile on our face.

Such a simple yet profound revelation I had was this. All it really really takes is a genuine heartfelt compliment, comment, smile, hug, to make the other person feel special. And you know what the kicker is....making the other person happy is guaranteed to put a smile on your face, a spring in your step. Don't believe me? Try it....Compliment a total stranger, smile, hold the door open for someone, help someone who is not expecting your help, surprise someone with something special, pick up the phone and connect. It is a wonderful feeling. Truly it is.

Friday, October 30, 2009

We live our whole life being something to somebody. When we are born we r our parents son or daughter, then for some a sibling, then a spouse, a parent and so the cycle continues.

And I am not even getting to the extended family! We are so busy trying to be so many things to so many people that we lose sight of the most important part of it all "Who am I?" huh? I am the daughter of my parents, sister to my brother, wife to my husband, mother to my kids....and phew that is a lot! All our lives we try to live up to the expectations of people to whom we belong... an ideal daughter, sibling etc.... that when I do find time to ruminate or think of doing something for myself - feel guilty.

We are so intricately entwined in the myriad relationships we build in our lives, some by no choice of ours and some by our choice, that we tend to lose our needs, our thought processes our individuality, our self in the maze called life. If you do end up sorting and clearing through the sticky web of all the various expectations and try to take a stand for yourself, you are promptly branded a selfish person!

And we wonder why we are so stressed, moody, restless, angry, depressed, vindictive, tired and just plain ornery???

First we need to find ourselves, take care of us and only then can we take care of others, right?First I am trying to find myself... I am......huh?

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Little drops make an ocean, Little bricks make a building, Small pebbles make a road, One step at a time will lead u to your goal maybe with detours, maybe with obstacles but that is what makes reaching your destination that much more enriching. Along the way you gather some friends, some foes some with you for a short ride some for the long haul - everyone there for a purpose. Do not ever think you are not worth it or you cannot do it because you can, because you are here to enrich to make a difference - does not have to be big - remember small actions can still have the most profound effect. Things that do not cost money or effort, a genuine smile, an unexpected compliment, a thoughtful gesture, a heartfelt hug, a positive attitude - there is too much ugliness in the world - Cmon my friends let us spread some cheer, some happiness, some kindness, some smiles and some laughter - one little step at a time and you know what? U will get what u give - Come hold my hand n let us begin from my heart to yours.............

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Perfect parents - is there such a thing? As a mother of two boys I always fret and stress wondering if I am doing the right thing. Every decision is fraught with what ifs? And if I do follow through with a decision then comes the thought - did I do the right thing? Or will this decision have life long repercussions?

You know when I was a young child/ girl/ woman and went through the growing up phase I blithely went through life rebelling against my parents and really miffed at my parents when they vetoed my decisions. As they say what goes around come around:) My parents always told me that. Now I can appreciate their feeling much better.

Right from the overwhelming feeling of oneness when I felt this movement in my tummy through the almost 48 hour labor and C section for my first son to the moment I held him wrapped tight in a blanket, this warm wiggly little person who I carried for 9 months - as I gazed at his warm melting brown eyes so much like his dads, his tiny fingers stuffed in his mouth, and his look of annoyance and wonder at this alien land, new noises - my heart just swelled with this fierce protective feeling like no other as I clutched him to my bosom - promising to cherish him and be the bestest mother in the world to him - I gave a goofy grin to my hubby and told him I will willingly do this all over again:) My hubby thought I was nuts!

Then when it was time to have the second baby - I was assailed with doubts - will I be able to give the same kind of love, will I have the same protectiveness or will it be less? Will I have a place in my heart as my heart was already full? But lo and behold when my second one came along the feelings were equally as intense and fierce and yes my heart just expanded and enveloped him.

Now comes the interesting part. Am I being the perfect mother? Guilt is everpresent sneaking in berating n self defeating. I always find myself lacking when compared to others - I don't follow nutritional pyramid while feeding my kids, I did not make food from scratch, I did not stitch their clothes, I did not make funny faces with their food, I did not.......But I did do a lot of other things - I nursed them, hugged them, fed them, kissed them, held them, crooned and cuddled them, and most importantly love them so completely.

What I have realised is that there is no right way or wrong way, there is only your way. As a parent we have our intuitions and know our kids, as a mother the bond more stronger, intuitions more sharper. Guilt is always there - will be there I have accepted that. I have also accepted the fact that if I try to be the perfect mother then not only will I not be happy but neither will my kids. You do what you can and know that you have done your best.

Just when I was getting comfortable being a mom - boom diagnosed with Parkinson's. My past five years has been an emotional hell hole mostly because of the intense guilt of not being there for my family. trying to deal with the ups and downs of the disease is hell enuf but then being made to feel like an inadequate mother, being told that I am insensitive and uncaring mother, because I dare dream to do somethin with my life!

I have this to say - we all have our own ways of showing our love - just because I do not hyperventilate or do not react a certain way does not mean I do not care! My kids know it and that is all that finally matters in the whole scheme of things - not what the world thinks but what you and your kids share.

Do not let others opinion mar your relationship - it is tough enough being a parent without the added guilt - Perfect parents? I think we all are, warts and all...follow your gut:)

Monday, June 1, 2009

Life is full of choices:) Do you or don't you, will you or won't you, should you or shouldn't you, could you or couldn't you, yes or no etc... and then once you do take that leap and do make a choice then starts another set of choices - what ifs or maybes:)

Sometimes I wonder what would life have been without choices? Dull n drab? Monotonous, boring, one dimensional, quicker, simpler or just plain vanilla?

Someon truly said "Variety is the spice of life" If there was no choice, then I would still be eating white bread and not tasted chocolate croissants stuffed with almonds, would be drinking plain old chai, instead of chai au lait, or drinking regular coffee with regular milk, instead of rich dark roast columbian coffee with irish creme:) I could go on and on - again my choice - but I choose.....

Life is short and unpredictable, there are a lot of things to see and experience, lot of things to do, lot of things, emotions waiting for you - good n bad - Let us not waste it by bickering, complaining. Let us put our pride, our egos, our pre conceived notions aside n embrace life - but again u have a choice - to do or not to:)

Monday, March 30, 2009

Emotions govern our lives. It motivates us, depresses us, makes us impulsive and in many ways defines us as a person. I think people who can control their emotions live better lives than someone like me who is an emotional doormat.

Hmmmm so who exactly is an emotional doormat (I coined the phrase btw) Well someone who thinks with her heart, not head, someone who naively still believes in the fact, that people are what they say they are, no hidden agendas because after all why would one make life more complicated than it already is? Someone who genuinely cares about people, is empathetic and yup sensitive. Yeah, yeah that is me and now you know why I am confused and bewildered.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Hmmm parenthood as in being a parent as in being a mom or dad as in my case being a mom.....

Wonder who coined the word or how they came about it. A quick googling did not provide any answers:(

Yup there are tons of books on impending parenthood, how to be a good parent etc etc etc...... there are so called manuals, there are how to's, where to's etc.

But really is it possible to capture the essence of being a parent, as all of us go through similar emotions but yet it is unique to each person. We all react to any given situation differently. Some of us are excited, some nervous, some petrified, some daunted, some scared, some jubilant, some sad yes and yes very very overwhelming.

I still remember the thudding of my heart, my dry mouth, feeling faint, feeling nervous and excited as I waited for the sign that would say that yes I am on the way to be a mom. I could hear my hubby's pacing outside the bathroom waiting as the clock ticked on its own merry way oblivious to the significance, and finally it was time to see what the home pregnancy test would say both of us peering at the tube that would change our world totally:) And this time it finally said yes you are on the way to a journey, a journey that is so life changing that unless and until you actually go through it one cannot comprehend the enormous avalanche of feelings, emotions, thoughts, fear.

The thought of being responsible for another tiny little person when you yourself have still look up to your parents for advice is daunting to say the least. The firt time it is scary. I remember going to Lamaze class when I was eight months pregnant n when they showed us the video of the delivery I was in panic mode, felt trapped. Luckily the feeling subsided. Had a looooonnng labor n then a C section to boot:)

Will never ever forget the beautiful sound of his wail, as my hubby n me our hands clasped tightly tears of joy n a goofy grin on our face looked on in amazement n awe at this wiggly little person who ccame out of my tummy n was a complete person in himself.

As he was bundled up and put on my chest, my feelings were a jumble of emotions looking at this tiny little bundle that would forever change our lives. No words can adequately describe the intensity the fierceness no way.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Do you see the swirling mists of guilt interlacedWith tears of anger , angst and desperation andOh yes the ugly monster FEAR

Do you see my mind swirling with vibrant colorsThe colors of hope, dreamsDo you see the sun shining through the beautiful suncatcherDo you see the beautiful yarns I have weavedWith the fragile threads of hope, wishesDo you see the beautiful world I am trying to create

Do you see the shattered glassBeautiful multicolored shards piercing my very soulDo you see the tattered yarns of hope withering away in your scornDo you see the tearsDo you hear my heart wailing’

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Expectations - great or small propel a lot of our actions. Rarely is an action taken without expecting something at the end of it. One gives with, yes, the expectation, of receiving something at the end of it. When one does not receive what one expects it strains the relationship, it mars our outlook,makes us resentful.....

Is it possible to give without expecting something in return? I think once a person stops expecting anything, that person can find contentment. Mmmmm... but I was expecting ... Ah hah there you are. I did this because I was expecting that you would......

It seems we spend our lives living upto others expectation of us or rather what we perceive as their expectation of us. No wonder we are messed up - because dont you think it is but impossible to meet everyone's expectation? I for one will first try to live upto my expectations and then......