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I’m losing track of the days, I think it’s been at least a week since I’ve blogged. But it is every day, all day that I think about Love, connect and observe the funny little ways that we humans are in relationship with love. Just this morning I caught myself indulging some judgmental thought regarding the way my husband does something. I say indulge because it started in the house (where the wrong-doing was taking place!) and it wasn’t until I was at University Ave. that I even realized I had myself headed down the hole. In that moment of time I realized something.

I realized that I was perfectly comfortable in my indulgent trip. I mean, it wasn’t uncomfortable, it wasn’t nearly as good as being connected to love and Source (which by the way there isn’t room in the same breath for judgement and love, it’s one or the other), but it wasn’t “uncomfortable”. It felt like an old habit, like a well-worn shoe that I’m extremely hesitant to throw away because what if I NEVER find another she that comfortable?

Then I remembered that yesterday I was talking with Lesly (the office manage in my acupuncture practice) and we were talking about the 29yr. old woman who was kidnapped 18yrs. ago and held captive in tents in the backyard of her captor, bearing him two children, and not really trying to escape. News reports that in these kind of circumstances a kidnappee “bonds” with their kidnapper. So, we were talking about how that happens, Lesly and I. It’s sort of tough to imagine. And this morning I realized, that it’s no different than what I had going on in my indulgent trip. It’s a human thing. We get used to, and therefore, comfortable with what we do over and over. It doesn’t mean it’s serving, but it does feel comfortable. It takes work to practice holding different energy. It’s hard to part with our comfortable shoes. But admittadly, the new ones are usually just as good, if not better.

I surmise that the only reason we hold ourselves apart of Source/Love is because we haven’t practiced it as much as all the other stuff, thus, it’s not as comfortable. We seek comfort as humans. Only when we’re forced for some reason to change does a new track of comfort get laid. Pretty soon, that feels comfortable, and we might even say, “oh that’s not so bad!” Even though we went in practically kicking and screaming.

I have no idea if that’s what happened in the case of the kidnapped girl. But yesterday, I couldn’t understand it and today, I have more of a glimpse of understanding. We just can’t give up on the practice. We can’t give up because nothing else means as much as Love. Note to Self: Remember Love

I love these words in a song by Jan Phillips….”Like waves and the water. So I am to you love and you are to me. We dwell in each other like salt and the sea”.

There is no such thing as desalination when it comes to love. We could NEVER empty the sea of all it’s salt. Impossible. The salt will always be there. Love will always be here. How very liberating that I need not question that. That alone induces deep peace and stillness. If all things are about opposites, the Yin and Yang, then this passive part of love is yin. Meaning that love dwells in me and I in it, and that just is, is passive. Yin is passive. Yang is active. The active, or yang, part of love is what this blog is exploring.

It must be that each of us have the free will to explore the ways in which we can animate love in our moments. And when we don’t animate love, I imagine love remains passive. What a waste.

I tend to play along more willingly in life when things seem fun to me. Thus, it’s playful for me to include in my morning prayers and intentions that I intend to find the “sweet spot” in everyone I cross paths with this day. The sweet spot for me is Love, that place in each of us where love lives. I’d like to connect with that in those I meet throughout my day. Hum. It doesn’t always go well. Sometimes I’m only noticing sour. Hard to find the sweet through the sour. Not sure what to do about that yet except to keep practicing.

My focus on looking, in and of itself, has me finding the sweet spot more often than if I were paying no attention. There is something the Chinese classics say which is, “Qi follows the mind”. As far as I can tell, most all philosophies have some version of that. Where I place my attention is where the energy is. Like attracts like. What we sow we reap.

I know this to be true in my own life thus, any intention or focus will, by laws of energy, lead me in that direction. That’s the whole point in focusing on love. When I do that I’m facing the direction of love. When I do that on a regular basis, it grows. Love grows. Growing and animating love feels infinitely more serving than sowing the seeds of lesser energies. Note to self: remember love.

I’ve been really watching the difference between flow and resistance. Flow is one way of saying aligned or connected or in the zone. In flow, Love is available, there is no kink in the hose, so to speak. But resistance, that’s a whole other story. Resistance kinks the hose at lightening speed. How often I indulge resistance throughout my day is mind-blowing. And every time, that kink, that energy of resistance kicks me out of alignment (imagine being thrown out of a fast moving car, hitting the pavement, and rolling, tumbling, scraping until you finally come to a stop) how many times can one go through that before breaking and scraping almost everything? Apparently, we’re pretty resilient, because I do it way too much and I’m still walking around….amazing. The whole thing renders me unable to access any hint of love.

It’s becoming blindingly clear that the list is long, all the things, big and small, that I resist. I’m both shocked and entertained as I watch the things on this list creep in all day long. Tugging at me like a spoiled child on mom’s apron strings. Screaming loudly for my attention, seemingly only satisfied when I’ve kinked my hose and resisted fully.

And yet, there is always at the crossroads another option. In the split second, at the crossroad, I can either take the path of resistance, OR I can take the path of flow. As far as I can see, every time that is an option. Every moment offers this choice. It is life’s gift. I either take it or leave it. The gift of flow.

My practice is first noticing that there is a crossroads in a split second of time. Second, figuring out how to notice it before heading down the path of resistance, or at least backtracking if caught late. Third, practicing ways to hold the space open long enough to be able to choose flow. And lastly, continuing to choose flow, moment after moment because love lives here.

I hear that the easier it gets, the easier it gets. The opposite is also true, the harder it gets, the harder it gets. Everything has an opposite, life gives us the gift of choice every moment.

I feel like I’m on different points on the path depending on the subject. I’ve gotten myself into a fairly deep grove on the path of resistance regarding a variety of subjects….customer service people, people who are rude, violence, certain aspects of money, certain aspects of health, opinions in direct opposition of mine, people who come across as “entitled” or “lazy”, deceptive business practices, people who chew with their mouth wide open…I’ll stop now.

The point is, I have no access to love until I figure out how to shift from resistance to flow on all these subjects. Thankfully, I’ve got the rest of my life, however long that is. Just gotta keep reminding myself to practice. Note to self: Remember love.

What matters most…..Friends and family that call, text and e-mail letting us know they’re thinking of us and have us in their prayers. Doctors that truly care and listen and answer important questions on my mind. When my husband told me that he’s “reconnected” to his Source after a short side-trip. The precious look on Sasha’s face when I walked in to the hospital room this morning to spend time with her, hopefully to get her to eat in order to avoid a feeding tube (which she did…eat, thank God!!) She’s hobbling around dragging her IV (which was attached to her hind leg) just looking for some normalcy after a night in the hospital (she’s never been away from home in 12yrs. for a night, not even sleep away camp! 🙂 Cuddling in my lap, my depth of gratitude that she’s coming back to life and will live a normal, healthy and hopefully very long life was profound. A kind word, a smile, whether I feel like it or not.

What matters less….How slow the car is driving in front of me when “I’m in a hurry”, whether or not I have dressing on my salad or not (I forgot it today :(, if someone is 10mins. late, who does or doesn’t sponsor Glenn Beck, whether iPhone or Blackberry rules, whether it takes 4hrs. for the sun to come out, that I only got 4hrs. of sleep, who wins the Super Bowl (sorry football fans :), and whether or not I ever lose the 8lbs. I can’t seem to shed.

It all matters ONLY if I bring Love along…Note to self: Remember Love.

Whew, what a few days it’s been. Spent the weekend packing and unpacking for David’s mom as we moved her to a different apartment in her independent living facility. She really should be in an assisted living setting but where she’s at currently doesn’t have assisted living and David is doing his best to honor her wishes. She doesn’t want to have to change so drastically and get to know a whole new place and new people. I don’t blame her, I observe how it’s more difficult to “change” as we age. Didn’t used to understand that, but as I spend time with Steffi (David’s mom) I watch how and why it’s hard to change. It’s quite the feat to just get through the day when one is in pain and on a variety of medications. Not to mention all the day-to-day things that need tending to. Having things familiar and known are what make that possible. We’ll see how she does over the next months and trust that the right decisions will appear in the right time.

To top that off, our beloved cat Sasha has been diagnosed with a serious liver/pancreas disorder. Taking her into the hospital now for an ultrasound and stomach feeding as she’s gotten sickly thin. She hasn’t eaten in two weeks. After the first week (she nibbled the first week and didn’t seem in pain or distressed), it was clear that something was not right, took her in, had bloodwork done and just heard from the Dr. this morning. We’ll be seeing an internist and hopefully it is treatable? More later….

Great internist, Dr. Ford @ VCA, she was on it and quite compassionate as well. More likely than not, Sasha’s condition is treatable (after several thousand dollars!), but she’ll be in the hospital over night and I’ll know more when I talk with the doctor this evening after she has run several tests. I appreciate all the prayers and thoughts already coming in.

I did a little energy healing and we’ll hope for the highest good to prevail. Regarding love…I noticed today that it’s easier to access love when feeling vulnerable. There is something soft and open and available when I feel vulnerable. I’m staying very attuned that soft spot. Note to self: remember love.

Wanted to share a most delicious poem….

The sacred is not in the sky, the place of transcendent, abstract principle, but rather is based on this earth, in the ordinary dwelling places of our lives, in our gardens and kitchens and bedrooms. And it is no less present in our places of protest, the streets and public halls and institutions where we express our outrage at the reckless squandering of the life that is one. The sacred is fueled by eros, by desire. It is about passion. And compassion. And love. Always love. Love over and over and over again, love.

Thinking about conditional and unconditional love. It’s easier to access unconditional love when I feel good. To me, unconditional love means that I maintain my center or alignment with Source no matter what. Thus, I come from a place of love. Conditional love means to me that when I am off-center, and am bothered by things or people around me, I place conditions on how things should be before I’m willing to be loving. In truth, it’s never about them. It’s always about whether I’m tending to my alignment or not. And loving unconditionally isn’t about anyone or anything else either. I’m either choosing to center myself in love or not. I’ve begun meditating on the intention that I maintain my powerful alignment with Source, no matter what someone else is doing or not doing. That feels like unconditional love to me. I’d prefer to never “need” anyone to be a certain way in order for me to stay aligned because that feels conditional to me.

It’s easier to be loving when I feel good. Yet, there are days when I’m tired, when it seems like I just don’t have enough energy to muster out of me loving thoughts and words, let alone actions. It’s definitely easier to be loving when I feel good, yet the older I get the more I notice that how I feel any given day might be a crap shoot! So basically I’m saying that opting out of the most important thing in life because I’m tired is a bad plan.

In essence, I’m asking Love, the energy of the Universe, the highest vibration there is to understand that I can’t be bothered if I have a bad nights sleep, if I’m bloated, if it’s not sunny out, if I’m not looking forward to something fun, if my hormones feel like they’re on the spin cycle, if someone does or says something incredibly annoying, or if I just plain forget. Hum. Definitely something not right there.

The current is strong, the pull is almost irresistible, when I don’t feel on top of my game, to unplug and go on automatic pilot, leaving any hint of alignment behind. That recipe of auto-pilot usually includes any number of ingredients like impatience, judgment of myself and others, irritability, and wanting my way, much like a spoiled brat.

The other thing that’s interesting is either choice (alignment or not) creates it’s own momentum. It’s a good momentum if I’m aligned, it sucks if I’m not. The practice is about setting forth, tending to, and maintaining an aligned momentum more often than not. Got it. It’s all about practice. Life is very generous to offer moment after moment of opportunities to practice. Note to self: remember love.

I am realizing that I have all these little “reminders” about love strewn amid my life. My teacup says LOVE on it. I have this cool, colorful sign in my bathroom that says, “We are shaped and fashioned by what we lov,e” a note on my computer, I even have a tattoo below my belly button that is the Chinese character of love. I’m not sayin’ any of this is bad, but something opened up in me when I began to think about these things….something that gently led me to remember that it’s the love that I cultivate internally that is true, the outer nudges are simply reminders to tend to the inner. Oh yes, that makes sense, I get that. I’ve been doing that all my life I note. I’ve been putting more emphasis on all the things I love that are outside of me…..my husband, sisters, friends, my cat, tea, nature, art, books, the list is quite long, no need to bore you. The point is that I’ve gotten good at loving many things or experiences or people. Not that that is bad, I don’t believe it is at all. I’ve just realized that I’ve missed the most important thing to get good at….growing the natural, whole, has-always-been-there-awaiting-my-attention/cultivation love inside. Growing it to be so full and deep and solid that it would never matter if I didn’t get my tea every morning. I can tell you as of today, it would matter if I didn’t get my green tea every morning, it would cause me to feel deprived and thus, have less access to love. And if I couldn’t see beauty every day, it feels like I would wither. And if I couldn’t love my husband, sisters, friends, and cat daily, it feels like I would die. It’s the internal that is eternal.

I’m clear that shaping and fashioning myself by what I love is a good thing. I’m getting clearer that doing that atop or amid a full, deep, solid and unshakable core of love makes all the outer experiences of love even richer. I’m noticing that without cultivating this inner core of love, all the outer experiences of love are fleeting and can go away leaving a feeling of fear or empty nothingness. There is never nothingness inside a solid core of love I’m gently reminded. Ok, that’s good to know, cultivate I will. Note to self: remember love.