What are your tips for buying an engagement ring?

Oh god engagement ring discussion on Reddit. Always turns into "well I only spent $20 on plastic cups and got married in my great grandfather's shed in the backyard."

As far as going around shopping, I'd research places online and get an idea of how they do business. I'm sure the big commercial jewelers like Kay or whatever might be a bit overpriced for the quality. But like I said, look around, do your research, and stick with your budget

I'm mostly agreeing with the concept of a frugal wedding (not necessarily a $20 budget but certainly no more than a couple grand) and the ridiculousness of spending thousands of dollars, or even "a" thousand dollars on a ring.

But I do also believe that Redditors are actually smarter than average on the whole. Sure, the front page can fill up with garbage but it's still less asinine garbage than you find on your Facebook feed. You also need to consider that demographics skew heavily towards 15-19 year olds so what they're upvoting now will likely shift as they mature.

I mean...what constitutes average intelligence is really quite frightening and on the whole I find most conversations on Reddit are reasonably thought provoking.

Of course you've also got dudes posting drawings of dragons fucking cars - so I could be totally wrong.

Eh. I spent a fair bit on my wedding, but my wife and I have a culture where guests give cash gifts so it was net zero in terms of out-of-pocket cost. Plus, the wedding was a blast and I'm super glad we had that experience. We got to see some folks before they passed away, too, which was a big deal to both of us.

The ring, whatever. It cost money. But I don't earn money to bank it alone. We had money for property saved, we've hit our retirement goals, we've managed the trips we want. The ring looks great, she likes wearing it to soirees, and it hardly hurt us in the short- or even long-term financially. I don't see the downside here other than less money in an account. But since we're meeting all of our goals, whatever.

Money is money. I didn't work this hard to earn what I earn just to have a big number to stare at.

What I'm saying is this: spend your money to maximize utility, present and future. If a wedding now is more utility than future spending, go ahead. Don't spend yourself broke, but don't be afraid to also do a cash wedding and just enjoy time with friends. There are few occasions in life where we get to celebrate with all of our friends and family-- and we should take them.

Sure, but across the board most people can't really afford this shit and still feel compelled to either go into debt to make a wedding happen and/or postpone being able to buy a house for several years.

I don't judge people for spending their hard earned money however they want but my problem is with the ridiculous expectation that has somehow become "the norm."

A buddy of mine married a Vietnamese girl and their wedding was the same deal - gifts essentially covered the costs - and I much prefer this system.

And I'm well aware that my belief system on this matter totally makes me an outlier.

Eh, buying a house in a lot of places isn't really worth it anyway. There are plenty of markets where a house is not a sound investment. Americans' obsession with home ownership is also unhealthy from a financial perspective.

While a thousand dollars may seem ridiculous to you, it's quite a reasonable price for many other people (depending on values and salary.) I mean I know plenty of men that have dropped $800-1000 on a nice watch, so $1000 for a nice ring is pretty much par for the course as far as a luxury accessory goes.

But I mean, if you're an unemployed student (like so many redditors are) I suppose the $1k number might seem ridiculous. Still: different strokes for different folks. Lots of people have big weddings because it's expected in their families to do so, not because they're being narcissistic or spend happy

I'm well aware that there are people to whom $1000 for a ring or watch seems reasonable, my problem is that this attitude has become pervasive across society as a whole and it's disturbing.

Although you need not be an unemployed student to feel that $1000 for any piece of jewelry (even if it tells the time) is wasteful.

And your point about people having a big wedding because it's expected in their family IS my point. I am not saying that everyone who has a big wedding and spends $1000 on an engagement ring is narcissistic, my point is that it's ridiculous that this has simply become a societal norm.

Wedding culture has spun completely out of control in the United States (and elsewhere, too, but specifically so in the States) to the point that under $10,000 is actually considered a frugal wedding. It's silly.

Here's the problem with assigning the term "wasteful" to another person's spending: what one person deems "wasteful" is perfectly acceptable to another. In my time on this planet I've been told that I "wasted" money on the following things:

My watches (I enjoy mechanical watches, they go well with my outfits, but I suppose I'm a dummy)

...and about everything else. You can find someone to tell you that anything is wasteful. And you know what? They're all wrong. Nothing is wasteful if it brings you utility. Is it maximizing your ROI? Maybe not. Is it affordable? Maybe not. But is it wasteful? Almost never. We're not talking about buying food you never eat and throw out here. As long as the object makes you happy, gives you utility, and gives you its intended use, then it's not wasteful.

And the whole "OMG weddings are out of control" argument? Yes. Partly true. But I also think that the median figure is meaningless. But getting people to understand what a median means relative to a distribution? Now there's a waste of time.

I generally agree with everything you've said. I'm not at all the type to suggest that we shouldn't spend our money and enjoy life. My issue is specifically with weddings and expensive rings that people can't afford but feel compelled to go into debt for.

It's flat out stupid and unnecessary to spend $5 per invitation or $3000 on flowers to decorate a room where people are for 30 minutes, etc and so forth. There is so much crap that costs hundreds of dollars that just gets thrown away and adds no real value to the event. I hate the culture of groomsmen being asked to pay $150 to rent a tuxedo and then the day of the event the groom gifts them an engraved pen that cost $150. The list goes on and on.

Wedding culture is out of control. Particularly when half those people wind up divorcing and often having another wedding. I'd be much more supportive of waiting until your ten year anniversary for the big event. Making it ten years without killing each other may be worth dropping a ton of money on a big party.

I also understand that the median figure is irrelevant but what isn't irrelevant is that most people spend more than they can afford and feel pressured to do so.

It's also sexist to suggest that "women" want engagement rings. Not all women give a shit about expensive jewelry. My wife would fucking flip a lid if I ever bought her a $500 ring, let alone into the 4 figures...and we're not stinky hippies at all. Plenty of normal women see the ridiculousness of expensive jewelry even if they're living at an income level where owning some would not be a huge hardship financially.

I agree on the inability to afford things, though I think that we should instead make those things affordable and available instead of trying to strip them away.

I actually don't see any problem with the time spent consuming something. I believe strongly that the value on a good isn't how long it's consumed, but how well it's consumed. To put it another way, some of the best meals I've ever had were smaller portions consumed more quickly, but left a stronger mark on me than bigger, longer lasting meals. The Japanese have a great term, "mono no aware," that refers to the transcendence of life and beauty. That informs a lot of my thinking on these things. I'm okay with spending on something that will vaporize as long as the experience is worth it.

$5 invitations? Perhaps not. I think we spent a couple of bucks on each one.

Not really. It's largely a women-driven market. Let's be honest: a lot of the things that the male culture of frugality devalue are female-driven. Jewelry, handbags, luxury goods outside of fast cars. Yes, lots of women don't see the value. But the market is largely driven by women. It's not even a question. And a lot of the online banter about this revolves around the things that women want being "bad." I'm not saying you're devaluing those things per se, but we always have to be aware of our own biases.

I agree that engagement rings and luxury handbags, etc. are largely a female-driven market and I agree that the majority of women do want this stuff - but I just think that a sufficient percentage of women don't see the value in these things that it's unfair to say "women want an engagement ring" without clarifying that it's most and not all. I mean, I'm not making a big SJW stink here, just having a conversation.

And I could list a slew of wasteful crap that appeals to men, too, so while I agree to an extent that my views will be skewed because of my penis, virtually all the girlie stuff I find wasteful and overpriced my wife does, too.

But I'm not trying to strip anything away from anyone. I mean, this is the internet so we all lean towards exaggerating our views. I don't actually give a fuck how other people choose to spend their money - other than that I prefer that they spend some of it at my business :)

My problem is that the majority of people don't ever sit down and really consider what is/isn't important to them. They simply follow the herd and presume that the things that will make them happy are roughly the same as everyone else.

Take an expensive car, for example. If you're a car enthusiast and you spend much of your free time detailing your car, reading about cars, working on cars, going for a drive in your car just for the sake of a drive, and so on, it makes sense that you'd spend a disproportionate percentage of your income on your vehicle compared to someone who literally owns a car for transport only.

But so many people buy an expensive car "just because" when a new Honda would provide nearly the same utility for their situation for half the price with much lower insurance/upkeep/etc.

But back to the original argument...I don't actually expect people to stop having weddings just because we were married at the courthouse. What I'm advocating is that we, as a society, revisit the entire wedding tradition as so much of it is outdated.

For example...I totally love the Asian (and I now presume Jewish, from what you've said) culture where guests bring cash to help pay for the affair instead of buying some junk from Target the couple doesn't even need. If you look at the history of wedding gifts it used to make sense - people were married at 16-18 and they lived at home, had no stuff and a very low income. It made sense that everyone in the village would give a newly married couple a spoon or a bowl or as we moved into modern times a blender or a microwave.

But in 2016 most people getting married are in their mid 20s or older and they already own this crap...so it's silly to have the couple pay for $50 worth of food and drink for guests in exchange for a $50 gift that they don't need. One of the last weddings I went to actually had The Hangover DVD on the wedding registry! How about instead of me buying you a BluRay, I just buy my own drinks/dinner and you can get married without having to take out a 2nd mortgage?

Again, I am under no delusions with regards to how much of an outlier I am on this stuff - and I'm not some lunatic that refuses to be a groomsman or that walks around a wedding party spouting my diatribe...but I've just been to too many weddings filled with superfluous nonsense when the bride & groom were struggling financially or were just getting by.

I agree on the inability to afford things, though I think that we should instead make those things affordable and available instead of trying to strip them away.

At the end of the day, this is my true point.

As a society we would ideally eliminate the old "two months' salary" mantra for how much your engagement ring should cost and work towards restructuring what a nice wedding looks like and how it is financed.

Clearly this won't happen any time soon, just as we are unlikely to reverse the trend of average home sizes in America being nearly double what they were just 40 years ago (and somehow doubling our expectations for square footage has no bearing on the price of homes).

Maximize cut and carat, trade-off color and clarity to stay within your budget.

Buying online will generally give you more bang for your buck. I bought my fiancee's ring from James Allen because they provide 360 degree pictures of all of their diamonds. As part of my research, I plotted their diamond price curves and identified the best deals by calculating the cost-efficiency frontier. The closer to the frontier, the better the deal on a cost/carat basis. If you decide to buy in store, you can also use these price curves as a reference point for your negotiations.

If you're interested in a round diamond, I highlighted the best-cut diamonds with optimal proportions that would qualify as both GIA Excellent and AGS Ideal (cut estimator for reference). If you're buying a fancy shape (anything non-round), you'll have to sort through more photos because it's not possible to buy based on the specs alone.

This is probably a dumb question here, and I know I'm late to the thread, but would you explain the differences between the ring that you would use to propose an engagement ring and the actual wedding ring?

An engagement ring is given as a marriage proposal - the wife-to-be wears it to show that she's engaged. During the marriage ceremony, the wedding band is placed onto the woman's hand. She can then choose to wear both full-time or just a wedding band full time.

An engagement ring is typically the one with a large diamond set high off of the hand, a wedding band is more plain - with either no diamonds or a row of very small ones.

That's interesting because my mother wears just one ring that has the large diamond on it, but if I remember correctly my parents did "upgrade" the ring for one of their anniversaries but I think the center diamond remained the same. Hmm but now that I think about it she does have a simple gold band that she'll wear when she's traveling.

Do you know what the 4C's are? Color, carat, clarity, cut. Each thing will affect the diamond that you buy, and the higher quality of one single C will drive up the price of the diamond. Figure out which C your SO cares about the most, and minimize the quality of the other C's to get the best bang for your buck.

Also, if your SO wants a 1k ring, you can technically go for like .9 or .8 where the difference isn't THAT big and the price differential is HUGE. So many people want that 1.x that the price jump from 0.99 to 1.00 is huge. Not worth it IMO, but different strokes.

Also, if you do decide to purchase a diamond from a secondhand place, you should get a proper jeweler inspection. A lot of secondhand rings have diamonds that were cut from a long time back which means that the quality of the diamond might be shit even though it's a high carat. If carat is the only thing that matters, then good for you, but if you want a super shiny diamond, then you should find one that has better cut and clarity.

Personally, I cared most about cut and color so my husband bought me a diamond from Brilliant Earth (highly recommend!). I don't remember the exact details off the top of my head, but he spent about 8k in it total (1.2? was the setting as a platinum ring with sapphire accent jewels) where the diamond was about .8-.9 carats, D or E grade color, and super ideal cut, and VS something for clarity. Personally love my ring and wear it everyday.

Oh, and don't get a ring that the girl won't like. It's something she has to look at everyday. Like, if she ends up not liking it, that's too bad for her, but it's stupid when a guy purposely gets a ring that he knew beforehand his SO wouldn't like.

Yeah I took her to a place I like doing business and let her go hog wild. I kept my opinions to "no." I wanted her to love it, but I also wanted to love giving it to her. A couple rings that were on her maybe list, I dropped because I didn't like. In the end after walking down every case, there were three still out and next month she finds out which one she gets (its the expensive one...).

Does your SO have a Pinterest account? See if you can find it. Etsy.com has lots of gorgeous engagement rings that often float around on Pinterest, there's a decent chance she's even put on specifically on her account. Don't assume that you have to shop for a diamond at a big box jewelry store, you can order online from a jewelry store or consider etsy as previously stated (just make sure you read the reviews of the store first, as you should with any online purchase.)

There are other options you should look into: Moissanite, for one. It's a colourless stone that looks identical to diamonds but is made from silicon instead of carbon. It has the same hardness factor as diamonds too, which means it won't scratch or tarnish like some other stones. It's also about 25% of the price of a diamond. Some stores are also now advertising lab grown diamonds, or "artisan crafted diamonds" (wow marketing!) for less than a mined diamond, bit still more expensive than moissanite. Don't buy into the diamond hype, the ring is supposed to be a symbol of your commitment and look like something your fiancé prefers... But it doesn't have to cost $10k

Do you know her ring size? I feel like you should if you've discussed marriage. Otherwise perhaps her friends or mother might know. You can always size a ring down, but sizing it up can compromise the structure of the ring. I find most women typically have ring sizes of 5-6. If she's petite go for 5.5 or 5.25, if she's taller or thicker, maybe aim for 6 or 6.5.

You should spend whatever you're comfortable spending. The whole "2-3 months salary" thing is whack as fuck, but if it's important to you to spend a lot of money then go for it. Don't spend a lot of money if you're uncomfortable with it but she wants a huge ass ring. There's gotta be compromise. Personally I think a week's salary is probably more understandable, maybe two weeks.

Yea I have her ring size. We have talked about marriage quite a bit. She even gave me 4 options (all within my reasonable price range we discussed) for styles so I know what she likes. I might bring up these colourless stones because its been recommended a few times and seems like a smart way to save money possibly get something nicer for the same budget.

I'm about an inch short of six feet so I'm not sure how much of a factor that is! I TOWER over my boss and a couple other coworkers who are very petite Asian women, but I've still say their hands are more of a six in ring size.

Height has a lot to do with it, I find. My coworkers are all shorter than 5'7". You'd be surprised how small some people's ring sizes are though, you can't really tell by just looking. I know my coworkers' because we've talked about it.

Moissanite is awesome. Not only is it indistinguishable from a regular diamond to the naked eye, moissanite has a property called "double refraction" which makes it sparkle significantly more than your average diamond (giving it the appearance of a flawless diamond with a perfect cut).

Before you do that, either ask her or someone close to her if she has to have a diamond. Some girls don't care if it's a half carat, they "need" the diamond. Also don't play it off as a diamond if you go that route.

To play devil's advocate here.. No layperson is going to know the difference between a diamond and moissanite, for example. I'm not advocating lying about interchanging the two, but if she doesn't ask she wouldn't know. (And I'd argue that someone who "has to have" a diamond when presented with other logical options might have some other strange expectations, though that's not guaranteed by any means.)

I know non-diamonds are getting more popular than they have been in the past.

Especially when you consider that the concept of a diamond engagement ring as we know it is the result of a campaign by the De Beers Company. They're the reason that when you think of an engagement ring "diamond" is the first thing that comes to mind.

Yea the only reason I want to surprise her is because with her personality any little surprise is greatly appreciated. We talked about taking her to pick it out but she wants it to be a surprise. She has given me some guidelines thought which hopefully will help.

It is a good suggestion I wish it was more of an option because I would love for her to just come along.

Hopefully you're more prepared than I was when I was looking for a ring. I had no idea what I was doing and the salesperson at the store was completely useless. I just gave up, but it worked out really well. Knowing what styles she likes and having a budget should make it pretty easy. If they offer an extended service plan type of thing get it. Its worth it if its an expensive piece of jewelry.

This comes up on /r/personalfinance a lot. Jewelry depreciates very quickly, the good thing about that is that you get great bang for your buck buying used rings. Since most of the value is in the stone, you could even scrap the setting and get a new one.

/u/FavresPenisPic, if you're willing to put in a bit more time and effort, eBay is probably your best option to maximize bang for your buck. There are people on there selling second-hand jewelry for very cheap, if you can manage to find the listings and snap up the item before anyone else does.

I once got a 14k white gold ring with a 1/3 ct. centre diamond and .25 ct of side diamonds for $200 on eBay. Comparable rings at jewelry stores and at the mall were selling for $1000+. All you need to do is get the second-hand ring polished up and the stones/prongs checked, and it'll look as good as new!

I got mine on www.bluenile.com. I have no idea what it's worth now, but my wife loves it, and it's a nice piece of jewelry for nights out.

/u/eiggam has the best advice for how to pick a stone if you go with a diamond. Otherwise, I highly recommend online shopping. You're paying less for the overhead of the brick and mortar store. TBH, outside of the setting, a rock is a rock.

I got mine from Jamesallen. They are an online wholesale type place, and you can save a LOT of money as long as you know what your looking for. They have magnified 360 degree pics of every diamond, so you have to learn what to look for and such, but for me it was worth the time investment to get exactly what I was looking for while staying underbudget. I still went and visited a few brick and mortar stores, looked through a loupe and learned the basics, but they couldn't compete price-wise. If buying online, look at the return policy, it should be 100% no questions asked. Know your 4 C's, and also know the sizes/measurements for the shape of diamond you want. I was looking for an oval that was not too fat, so I did research and found measurements I was looking for and filtered for those. I had a pretty good time shopping for it though it took a few months of searching, my fiancee ended up with a ring she absolutely loves.

*I agree with the tips that you can get a better price online, HOWEVER I would personally not buy online until seeing some rings in store. When we started shopping, I thought for sure we both would like a platinum band with a square (princess cut) diamond. We both independently ended up like gold with a round diamond... I would have gotten that 100% wrong if we hadn't gone into the store together.

*BlueNile and Ritani will let you be super granular about your preferences, so you can price how basically how much extra 0.1C is, moving up in clarity, etc.

*Again, though, I'd try to see some diamonds in person first. You'll notice that you have a different 'palette' - for example, I was super sensitive to color, but less so to clarity. So that gives you a better idea of where to invest

*I'll also second the Brilliant Earth recommendation, with one caveat. They are undoubtedly more expensive than BlueNile/Ritani, however they use ethically sourced diamonds and apparently have better service. But don't use them if price is the deciding factor.

*Minor tip: I thought I was being sneaky by grabbing a ring by fiancee wears and using that to size her finger. However, I found out that that ring was a bit loose, and my fiancee wanted a tighter-than-normal fit for her engagement ring given the value vs a $5 Forever 21 ring. So consider going down 0.25 in size even if you have a ring!

*Ultimately, while this is about you as a couple... it's also about her as an individual. What I mean by that is it better be something that she will love. If you're completely blind to jewelry styles and not perceptive (like me!), find a way to take her shopping with you, run it by her friends, etc. Make the investment early to make sure she'll love it, and I personally would avoid the 'complete surprise' route.

*Engagement ring insurance is a thing, if budget is tight for you, make sure you price that into your calculations. It's 1-3% (I think) of the ring value per year.

*There's ALSO an option for protection plans that will cover resizing, polishing, tightening prongs, etc. Look into those, but be skeptical. For example, the Brilliant Earth plan requires you to go to either their store of an independent jeweler every 6 months to make sure the ring is fine, otherwise the protection plan is invalidated. That's pretty unreasonable IMO, so we didn't end up getting it.

Believe me she is very reasonable. Her options range in the 800-1500 range. Which is something I am comfortable spending. Nothing crazy we both have the idea of spending the money on us or even the wedding then the ring.

Yea she was leaning towards one specific ring which was right in the middle of that budget which is probably what I will end up getting. Still going in with an open mind and not set on that one ring because I feel thats a bad strategy.

I went to a Zales outlet store. They have stones and settings to choose from. I took my wife ( gf at the time ) shopping and asked what designs and cuts she liked. Once I had an idea of what she liked I went to the outlet store, hand picked the stones, chose the settings and had it made for a fraction of the price of buying it already done. Just be smart, get something you can afford and be proud to present to her. Most likely she will be more excited about the proposal than the ring anyways.

2edgy4me. Sure, it was a marketing ploy. But it's become commonplace now and women like engagement rings and their fiances like giving them (yes, men who want to get engaged typically enjoy the process of proposing; not every man is a bitter angry redditor.)

But! Like! The xbox was a marketing ploy by Microsoft to make people play video games. It worked. Turns out people like video games so it doesn't really matter.

r/AskMen is the premier place to ask random strangers for terrible dating advice, but preferably from the male perspective. A semi-serious place to ask men casual questions about life, career, and more. And don't be an asshole.