Thursday, June 8

Dear Diary,

Another roller-coaster day. I didn't miss this. Do I not know how to live any other way? What does carefree mean?
Trying to function, my mind and chest burdened by your absence, physical and otherwise.
Fighting with myself, disputing letting you go and staying. Half of the day, you had not been my boyfriend anymore. (This word still sounds strange rolling around on my tongue. My lover, I prefer lover.) I had decided. I was not to beg and wait. I deserve more.
But you are not guilty for the times others have made me beg and wait. You shouldn't be punished for their mistakes, my lack of patience as a result. You deserve more.

In three days, she will be there. I won't admit it to you, but I am scared. I know you were the one who left, but still... I smell the danger from five thousand miles away, like a dog smells rain.
She has the history and, above all, a precious bit of yourself. She holds all the cards.