okay so i haven't updated in a while my bad. not a lot has been happening except me enjoying my vacation which has rocked except the whole no one to hug me really tight before bed. and even that has been mostly okay. so santa really needs me to start giving him better information. i got what i wanted for my birthday but really i didn't know what i wanted for christmas so i got random things lol. it's all good. they are cute random things but still very random. i've been watching lots of movies thanks to blockbuster and columbia house. wanted was actually better than i expected. the dark knight was better for me than batman begins and yes heath ledger kinda was crazy nuts but i will say i think it's been a little overhyped. not majorly so but still overhyped.

the holidays have been tinged with some disappointment. two incredibly sexy, strong and intelligent women who never probably understood the manner in which they changed women and men died this month. Bettie Page died on December 11th and Earth Kitt died on December 25th. i can't say either one was a personal role model because really i'm just starting to rexplore my sexuality and its influences as well as the manifestations and trappings to who i am now. but both were unabashedly comfortable in their own skin, at least for a while--bettie page did later say she found the Lord and didn't do another bit of modeling again. no one will forget bound bettie or eartha's distinctive purr. they inspire me and my subbie girl mindset of how i want to be. Daddy thinks it's because i was born in the wrong decade and that i would rock as a 1950's housewife. lol maybe but right now i do like the innocently overtly sexual conundrum that pinups and women from that time period present.

to that end i have joined a lot of different groups on fetlife that spark conversations and thoughts that i then end up talking with green lantern and Daddy about. good things all around. it's also made me expand my wardrobe a bit not so much with costumes but retro inspired items. Cupcake Provocateur has the cutest aprons and cupcakes lol as does Carolyn West and Jessie Steele. i bought a few from Cupcake Provocateur and she is super helpful and quick to respond so if you see something that channels your inner Donna Reed/June Cleaver but you want it in different fabric or some other alteration done just let her know.

hmmm not sure if there is anything else to tell you. if i think of something i'll be back. y'all have a good new years.

this post is probably gonna be all over the place. i have a dozen different things on my brain which is the cause for the jumbled but i'm gonna try to keep things in order. at some point during my babbling i am gonna try to cover fetlife, career changes, Daddy/Good Nyhte and pinup models. i told you it was all over the place so if you don't wanna read it i understand totally.

okay i finally signed up on fetlife after serious encouragement from green lantern. as i described it to Daddy it's sorta facebook for kink minded people. there are groups to join and friends to make and you can share as much or as little about yourself as you like. i'm waiting for Him to sign up so that i can finish one part of it and figure out how much He wants me to display on the page. right now mine is pretty bare and while i totally respect those who have their images there my brain was wondering about that. maybe i'm needlessly worried because my handles have never had anything to do with my real life but i'm always worried that a client or a colleague would see me. granted they would have to explain why they were there and they can't really search for an image of me directly as long as i wasn't silly enough to name the image red's real name lol. that's a perpetual debate for me. that's why my image has never appeared here. i'll email it to those that seem genuine that ask from time to time but in 3 years of blogging no red on the blog. ahh well i should figure that out.

Daddy is in Chicago right now. He's there for work and i understand that but it so sucks not having Him to wake up to right now. especially now as i start my vacation and my mother is riding the last patient nerve i have into the ground. we're trying to figure out if Christmas or New Year's is feasible but that hasn't been decided. however, we're having fantastically silly conversations and He makes me smile every time we speak. that wouldn't be different if He was here but i might be MIA from the blog again lol.

talking to Him lately has also made me think about what i'm doing now. how long i want to keep doing it and if i want to do something else. which is kinda leading to the whole pinup conversation as well. i love what i am able to do with my job. they allow me a lot of freedom and opportunities. however, after the year i've had emotionally and professionally i'm almost starting to feel burnt out. there are a couple of clients i want to get graduated but i don't know if that is realistic for me. especially if Daddy and i pick a city and want to move there soon. plus i never really intended on doing this kind of work honestly, at least not full time. this is my sixth year doing full time clinical work which has been rewarding and appropriately challenging but my brain is really feeling fried. i miss teaching and the exchange that meeting with a semi interested group of students brings. i also slightly miss being able to do research because i have no damn time whatsoever to do that right now. that isn't as big an issue for me though. the other thing that has come to my mind has been my writing. i'm doing a lot more of that now. more poetry lately but i have two books finished, one started, and an assortment of short stories ready. i'm not sure what stops me from looking at getting them published but there is definitely some nervousness there. not to mention there's this other thing that has come to mind recently.

i am intensely fascinated with classic glamor and pinups. it goes along with my love of corsets and being sort of uber feminine from time to time. the thing that for some reason i just noticed is the almost complete lack of African American pinups. i say almost because there may be some i'm unaware of but really when i went looking for some tonight i came up with articles, some not really pinup drawings and a website that is preparing to launch but as of right now has no content. now i have recommitted myself to taking care of my middle bulge because i just bought the cutest corsets and i want them to HUG me tightly. that made me think about being a pinup model though. doing the contradictory corseted little girl images would so entertain me. especially if i did one like the ones i did for Daddy before He left. you know the coy finger in mouth images. i would try not to curl my hair too much before folks thought they were dealing with a 15 year old but it could be one. and that would be in complete defiance to my overprotective side with my pictures now. but i don't think i'd be maintaining my current day job, at least not where i am now, if i was going to let it all hang out and just go all pinup. staying that cute would require more effort than i put in now. but i would love it on so many levels.

anyhoo, so many thoughts, so much to decide. if and when i ever make a decision lol i'm sure i'll let you know hee hee.

it won't be this post of course. the cast list has updated again for clarification to my readers. i did sort of transition relationships without a long flowery post which was my nature once upon a time. while i am happy with my new relationship, i wasn't exactly thrilled to be ending the old one. i love RS and care about Him but it was time for me to move on. things were getting harder with the more limited contact and since our last contact in February nothing has happened between us at all. i can't blame Him for that because the situation limits His ability to do what He wants and i know given His preference He would have been home with me and Littlest Soldier but neither of us got what we wanted in that situation. He's still in my prayers because LS needs her father and i want Him to be okay as well.

Good Nyhte is and has been a great support to me since i've known Him as i have mentioned previously. there was no ulterior motive in that and i have often referred to Him as my stupid younger brother in the past. we aren't related before anyone gets weird lol. just that is how i was looking at Him for a very long time. however, being with Him as much as i was the last few weeks was wonderful and made me very very happy. it also gave me a chance to live D/s for a while and it is entirely different from the random visits i had with Emperor back in the day. the protocols and things are the same of course but a) every Dom has their own way of implementing them and b) you do have to handle your day to day life before aspects of the D/s relationship can come into play. there was still work to do, bills to pay, dinners to make, clothes to wash, and beds to make before we could fully immerse ourselves in things. didn't mean there wasn't the occasional hair tug or smack on the butt lol but we had stuff to do. He's gone right now. relocated for a job but neither of us expect to not be together again soon. that might mean i'm back in the midwest but woo damn it's cold there. He keeps promising to keep me warm though so we'll see lol.

i have some stuff to do today so i'm gonna wrap this up now. you can check the updates in the now introducing post if you need to but hopefully this makes things a little clearer now.