Journey of grace 2016https://journeyofgrace2016.wordpress.com
by J. JohnsonSun, 26 Nov 2017 05:08:24 +0000enhourly1http://wordpress.com/https://s2.wp.com/i/buttonw-com.pngJourney of grace 2016https://journeyofgrace2016.wordpress.com
Thankfulhttps://journeyofgrace2016.wordpress.com/2017/11/26/thankful/
https://journeyofgrace2016.wordpress.com/2017/11/26/thankful/#respondSun, 26 Nov 2017 04:59:20 +0000http://journeyofgrace2016.wordpress.com/?p=478]]>Another Thanksgiving has come and gone – I figure now is a good time to write.

There are many things I am thankful for. When I think about it, it’s almost overwhelming.

We spent Thanksgiving with my dad’s side of the family in NY this year. It was such a good time. While we were there, in the midst of the chaos I glanced at my oldest daughter.

It hit me.

My heart is full. I am beyond thankful. As stressful as this journey has been so far, I wouldn’t trade it for a single thing. Why? I am thankful for the gift of motherhood, as well as the unspoken lessons learned from certain special needs parenting. There are so many things to be thankful for! If it weren’t for this life, I wouldn’t have learned how to pick and choose battles or multi tasking the way I do today. My heart would be smaller, with no room for forgiveness or humility. My temper would still get the best of me every single time. I wouldn’t have the chance to put my pride aside and wrap up a broken heart in a warm hug that leads to healing and a smile. Time management would still be on my watch and not learning how to improve, while keeping my patience in check. Instead of teaching others a lesson out of spite, I use critical thinking skills to try and do unto others how you would have them do unto you. Instead of wondering what I want to put on my own Christmas wish list, I get to hear my oldest daughter saying she wants to “ask Santa Claus for a present for someone with nothing.” (My heart burst with pride and amazement!)

You see, in the moment you feel so lost and sad. Second guessing your every step. Then it’s the reflection and aftermath of these moments that open your eyes and make you realize just how incredibly thankful you are for lessons not only taught from you to them, but the things your own kids teach you. I am so thankful for my three beautiful girls. Without them, I would not be who I am today. I’m only five years in – I can’t imagine what they will have taught me 20 years from now .

Photos by J. Johnson

]]>https://journeyofgrace2016.wordpress.com/2017/11/26/thankful/feed/0jgjohnson89IMG_4410Dandelionshttps://journeyofgrace2016.wordpress.com/2017/05/27/dandelions/
https://journeyofgrace2016.wordpress.com/2017/05/27/dandelions/#commentsSat, 27 May 2017 04:30:16 +0000http://journeyofgrace2016.wordpress.com/?p=443]]>Whoever says children can’t teach you anything has never had a dandelion handed to them by a child.

We get carried away with life so quick, we hardly realize the beauty in nature. To an adult, a dandelion is nothing more than a weed that needs to be destroyed in our perfect green grass. To children, they behold a whole different world of beauty and excitement. They’re bright and cheery. They also possess health benefits and nutrients (check them out: http://foodfacts.mercola.com/dandelion-greens.html ). These are exciting because picking and finding them gives children a sense of accomplishment and joy by spotting them outside of the flower bed (where kids aren’t typically allowed) and it’s like they won a treasure hunt! What’s the treasure? A flower for someone they love.

I wish I could have seen my own face when C handed my husband a dandelion for the first time. As a professional in the landscape industry, he also finds these things to be a nuisance. As he grabbed the “flower” presented to him, I saw him looking around for somewhere to throw it. I quickly got his attention after C walked away. I said “you never throw away a flower your daughter picks for you. That’s a huge no-no”. It took him by surprise, but it’s something that stuck with him because four years later he lights up when the girls give him “flowers”.

We should never take the little things in life for granted, especially little things presented to us by children. Take time to appreciate what it is. When a child takes time to show their love for you – you better cherish it. It might take a third cup of coffee to wake up and actually realize something is being handed to you but that’s okay. Even if it’s a handful of grass put in a vase with water on a window sill. People will ask what the lovely concoction is and you can boast about the beautiful bouquet that your favorite oldest daughter picked it for you, and your favorite part about it is the piece of red brick she found to go in there – because she knows you love red leaves in the fall, so you have to love that red rock she found “special just for you”.

Hold those memories close to your heart and be thankful for the kids in your life who help you to see the dandelions in life are actually what make up God’s beautiful picture.

]]>https://journeyofgrace2016.wordpress.com/2017/05/27/dandelions/feed/1jgjohnson8918762719_1880339755587972_940365269_nA Million Silent Questionshttps://journeyofgrace2016.wordpress.com/2017/03/10/a-million-silent-questions/
https://journeyofgrace2016.wordpress.com/2017/03/10/a-million-silent-questions/#commentsFri, 10 Mar 2017 05:33:15 +0000http://journeyofgrace2016.wordpress.com/?p=412]]>It’s mid morning. We exchange words, smiles and laughs. Sips of lukewarm coffee fill the empty spaces. Having friends over is so refreshing, especially ones who understand. We continue our conversation before it is soon to be interrupted. I sarcastically add another line to the conversation, but as I laugh I am interrupted sooner than I thought. I am getting asked a million questions but there’s no voice to match it. It’s the voice of a four and half year old heart that doesn’t know how to ask all the questions – but mom knows.

I try to look in the direction of these questions. Across the room I’m met with this big, hazel gaze. The gaze is what’s asking the questions. A million silent questions begging to be verbalized and answered in return. Some of which include:

“Why can’t we talk like that?”
“How are you connecting like that?”
“What is it you are laughing about?”
“Why are you sitting that way?”
“Why are you making those faces?”
“What do those words mean?”
“How can I join your conversation?”
“How do I have a conversation?”
“Are you talking about me?”
“What am I doing wrong?”

..

So much uncertainty, and so much anxiety just wanting to be calmed. She wants so badly to just be at peace and ease into a conversation that doesn’t involve a script, label or fact followed by a forced laugh. She doesn’t want all these questions lurking across the room, yet she still is trying so hard to learn. She is so scared to mess anything up, she doesn’t dare try asking at all.

It was that hazel gaze with the questions that made me think twice. Although she doesn’t show me she listens, she is listening – just on her own terms. I have seen that gaze before but it never really clicked before. I now need to be careful what I say. She is already so self conscious about doing anything the wrong way, God forbid she catches her own mother criticizing her. It’s hard because I’m with the girls all day long, but I really do need to be careful. With a memory like hers, she will take everything I say to the grave so I’d rather her not carry any harsh feelings. I am her mother, my job is to build her up and I will continue to try my best to do that. I hope I can do the same with her sisters, too.

]]>https://journeyofgrace2016.wordpress.com/2017/03/10/a-million-silent-questions/feed/2jgjohnson89A Breakthroughhttps://journeyofgrace2016.wordpress.com/2017/03/04/a-breakthrough/
https://journeyofgrace2016.wordpress.com/2017/03/04/a-breakthrough/#respondSat, 04 Mar 2017 11:59:09 +0000http://journeyofgrace2016.wordpress.com/?p=361]]>I remember. I remember on December 9th, 2016 I had so many mixed emotions. We had waited about four months for this appointment. I feared it would be another wasted trip. More time thrown away. More energy expelled, that I barely had the strength to muster up to begin with. My husband was with me, so I knew I would have a rock to carry me if I broke down. We were in this together no matter what.

We were on our way to a developmental pediatrician with Chloe. This would determine whether or not I would hear the dreadful words, “contact me next year if nothing improves”. I heard that the prior year. . what a year it had been. A year with days full of predictable unpredictability added to the ticking time bombs, miscommunication (if any existed), misunderstanding, strife, heartbreak and tears. Daily broken hearts.

I took a deep breath as we walked in those doors. My shoulders are heavy. I feel like I’ve carried more than I should the past four years. I take a deep breath again, and pray. Pray for strength because my own has diminished. We meet with the pediatrician whom we had seen during the fall prior to this visit. The minute I heard that door open, my heart burst with so much anxiety. God, please be with us.

He did a physical checkup on her and said everything looks good. After this, we headed down the hallway to his office. My husband and I sat down at a table, while Chloe made her self at home on the floor with the toys with the pediatrician. He did different types of play with her, observed her, and took notes. After a few different scenarios he set up and different questions he asked her, he came up to the table with us. He went over his observations and concerns. He said he is wary of diagnosing her with autism, even though there are some areas where she may get a firm diagnosis around the age of six. He was confident, however, to diagnose her with Social Communication Disorder. “I’m going to go ahead and diagnose…..”

Those words. Hearing those words, I can’t really put into words my sense of relief. What did this accomplish? Within the next week or two of that diagnosis – her school contacted us . . and they started putting an IEP (IndividualizedEducationalProgram) in the works. I still couldn’t believe it. On January 30th, we had a meeting in regards to the IEP. On February 20th, we had another meeting about each goal and what observations they had. The team we met with consisted of Chloe’s teacher, a speech therapist, and an OT (occupational therapist) with an intern. When the OT had evaluated her, Chloe scored “definite dysfunction” in some sensory processing areas. This did not surprise me. One of my favorite parts on her report was “she indirectly asks to have the lights turned off.” This means she is always turning the lights off in her class because she says it’s too bright. It’s funny because I can picture this scenario each time in my head.

She will be working with each therapist 30 minutes a day. This is huge. My goal was to get a diagnosis for her to help her get an IEP, gaining the support she needs before she starts Kindergarten when she has school Monday-Friday in for a few hours each day. That goal was met. I don’t only feel validated, but feel so happy for my girl. She won’t be struggling alone. She’s going to have help when I can’t be there to help her! This will be so good for her. She also rides the bus now which she absolutely loves. She will be going to “summer school” Monday-Thursday for a month to help her transition into the new Kindergarten classroom setting.

I have so much more to catch up on, but I wanted to do a quick update. This is a major breakthrough, although I have a feeling this is only the beginning of learning about what Chloe deals with on a daily basis. We have all come this far together, we aren’t stopping here and I will continue to research and advocate for our daughter until no end.

]]>https://journeyofgrace2016.wordpress.com/2017/03/04/a-breakthrough/feed/0jgjohnson8914324123_616066508554346_5121107652246118699_oIsolationhttps://journeyofgrace2016.wordpress.com/2016/10/22/isolation/
https://journeyofgrace2016.wordpress.com/2016/10/22/isolation/#commentsSat, 22 Oct 2016 17:44:23 +0000http://journeyofgrace2016.wordpress.com/?p=324]]>The wind blows the leaves around that have given up. They let go. They get lost in the chaos of the season. All focus is gone. Mother nature exhales, trying to brace herself for the next season that’s about to come. Similar to motherhood.

It happens every year. Magical beauty to behold and gaze upon with the vibrant colors. Just like the beauty shown between a mother and child, while the baby’s head is nestled on her shoulder. You can spend time outside surrounded by the beauty of fall, yet you can’t help but feel the crushing loneliness when you look at the trees that were once a different form. Being a stay at home mom can be the same at times. The sadness and isolation. You have this job to shape, mold, and raise these kids – and God gives you a kid who is so complex and contains so much unpredictability. Having typical kids is a journey all in itself, and then there’s my journey with Chloe. So many don’t understand. Why don’t you want to go to big events? . . Why are you hesitant about a birthday party? It’ll be so fun for her! You go alone to the grocery store, oh you’re so lucky. You’re so lucky to have such a great husband/father to your kids. . . Why, why, why…

There is no doubt in the world that I’m extremely blessed – but that doesn’t dismiss the reality of the mental toll that being on this journey takes. Constantly second guessing yourself, and while trying to figure out what works and what doesn’t, you are trying to tune out an insanely hyperactive child so you don’t lose it. I look at the trees changing outside and I wish and pray I could do everything in my power to stop winter from coming. Seasonal depression is no joke, and I’m going to be dealing with it while having baby #3 in the mix. Feeling so lost and alone when you try to reach out for a listening ear and you’re generally met with, “I don’t understand, everything is fine with her! You’re wasting your time.” My little girl is struggling if not more than me, just in different areas, but glad to know who I can and can’t talk to.

I just told Chloe for the fourth time she needs to take her nightgown off … she is currently hopping down the hallway. I’m beating my head against a brick wall. I talk to myself all day long, and repeat just about every word, oh I’m not sure how many times. I lose count. I lose my mind. Like the leaves that are dead and falling – I, too, feel numb. I want to let go and just sleep for months – but guess what? I can’t. It’s not an option. She’s my daughter and needs me to guide and direct her. Even though there’s a disconnect that can be so infuriating, she still knows I’m here for her. It’s just the most important and hardest job in the world. “You’re just a stay at home mom?” you say. Yeah. “just”. Just every title you could imagine to my kids and husband, and it goes without pay or thanks. A blind eye is always glued to motherhood. Your role is assumed and you’re taken for granted. You are completely invisible until someone needs something. Even then, you still aren’t seen. You tend to fade in the back. Old friends that were once so close, drift away. The assumption that just because you chose to have a family, it means you don’t need friendships anymore. I need friendships now more than ever, and although I do have a few cherished friendships, I still have this heavy sense of isolation that is daunting.

Soon winter will be here. The whole world covered under a blanket of snow, isolating the atmosphere. Again, while it’s a beautiful thing – it’s weight is crushing. I know this is just a phase. It’s just the change of seasons. I’m determined to make next year better, it’s just going to take a lot of courage and support. Through all of this I think of Chloe’s heart. Although the emotional/social aspect is off, I can see her heart. It’s so, amazingly beautiful, and she makes my heart swell. I wish everyone could see what I see, but that’s the gift of being someone’s mother- it’s something for you to cherish and nobody else’s. No journey has ever been a smooth travel. This stay at home mom venture while figuring out the help that Chloe needs, and being here for the other girls, is a once in a lifetime opportunity and I do appreciate a lot of it. I know God is here, with me and guiding me – it’s just so hard to tune out the noise of isolation and turn up the volume of His voice. I’ll get there, slowly but surely. Anyone else on a similar journey – you are not alone. Know you are enough, and I’m here if you ever need to talk about your trials and tribulations.

]]>https://journeyofgrace2016.wordpress.com/2016/10/22/isolation/feed/3jgjohnson89The volcano in its safety zonehttps://journeyofgrace2016.wordpress.com/2016/10/12/the-volcano-in-its-safety-zone/
https://journeyofgrace2016.wordpress.com/2016/10/12/the-volcano-in-its-safety-zone/#commentsWed, 12 Oct 2016 02:09:10 +0000http://journeyofgrace2016.wordpress.com/?p=284]]>“Magma rises through cracks on weaknesses in the earth’s crust. When this pressure is released, as a result of plate movement, magma explodes to the surface causing a volcanic eruption . The lava from the eruption cools to form a new crust. Over time, after several eruptions, the rock builds up and a volcano forms.” ( http://www.bbc.co.uk/schools/gcsebitesize/geography/natural_hazards/volcanoes_rev1.shtml )

Dawn has barely broken, although the sun never set peacefully. In a panic, she jumps out of her restless slumber in search of her safety zone who tries to warmly welcome her to a new day. Try as her safety might, it’s not accepted easily. She’s in a haze brought on by the whirlwind of what’s going on in her mind, body and soul. Insecurities, uncertainties, misunderstanding and anxiety eat away at her very core. This only adds to the chaos and discomfort of how her body physically feels, making her skin crawl. Every ounce of her is trying to be held together.

The sun shines bright in hopes to help ease into a good day. The same routine unravels, but with the commotion brewing – routine and schedule don’t give any promise that she will remain calm. A warning for a transition is put into place. She mindlessly responds with “okay”, not showing any other form of communication that she understands what’s about to come. The time comes to end her virtual escape located in an electronic rectangle, today anyway. Transitions are not her friend regardless of screens or no screens. The pressure that’s been building is about to show. The transition infringed upon her control of a decision. She’s stuck and seeing red, tunnel vision. She cannot move in any direction besides shifting inward, applying more pressure to what currently is residing within her. She can only keep it together for so long. She says she wasn’t done. She’s kindly reminded about the period of transition.

It happens.

Her surface breaks. All focus is lost, besides searching for a release. It’s here. Her safety zone stands strong, although it will be painful. This volcanic eruption of a meltdown, yet again, doesn’t stand a chance against her safety’s love for her. As destructive as the lava is, as unbearable as it is every single time – her safety zone remains. The energy, heat, power and strength of her magma is nearly indescribable. She just wants to be understood. She can’t communicate. She wants to badly to keep it in, but alas she always gets to this point of mass destruction. Enormous emotion one could never comprehend.

Her eyes. They crush my soul. She wants so badly to tell me how she feels – but she can’t. She is so lost and confused. She knows she will be isolated, but the lava continues to erupt. More destruction to herself, to me and her surroundings. There is no choice left but to isolate her, so the destruction is minimized. Everything inside me is screaming. I want to hold and console my little girl – but I can’t. Communication is non existent and impossible when the volcano erupts. I just have to pray through it. I’m shattered, sitting in a puddle outside her door of so many mixed and helpless emotions. It doesn’t make matters better that my own volcano just competed with hers. I’m so lost in this journey of unknown.

The calm after the explosion is taking place. A broken voice speaks out, asking to come out. She says she’s all done. I hesitate to open the door because I have no idea if the lava completely cooled. Regardless, I offer her a hug. I am her safety zone, no matter the circumstance. She falls in my arms. As helpless as she feels, she is as strong as a mountain, a volcano that’s formed over the years. With each meltdown, her skin continues to grow thicker and so does her will. She will continue to erupt frequently until we find her the help she needs. For now, I have to fight this battle with her every step of the way. For now, when she collapses into my lap from sheer exhaustion, guilt and shame – I will continue to look her in the eye. Why? Because as uncomfortable as prolonged eye contact can be for her, I know I am speaking to her heart and crushing that guilt she is overcome by. That reassurance, from her safety zone will wrap her heart in love unconditionally. It’s what will get her through each hardship, heartache and sadness when she feels so lost. After all, her safety zone has survived four years thus far of countless volcanic eruptions – nothing stands between me and my girl.

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https://journeyofgrace2016.wordpress.com/2016/10/12/the-volcano-in-its-safety-zone/feed/5jgjohnson89Moving forwardhttps://journeyofgrace2016.wordpress.com/2016/08/09/moving-forward/
https://journeyofgrace2016.wordpress.com/2016/08/09/moving-forward/#commentsTue, 09 Aug 2016 18:56:49 +0000http://journeyofgrace2016.wordpress.com/?p=267]]>Just reflecting on the past month or so. I’m struggling. However, in the midst of struggling, God has put us toward the right path in helping our little girl. I’m struggling because currently it’s truly hard to find the joy in being this mother that God has chosen me to be. Love hurts. Enough said. There are many days that have gone by when I think that I really don’t like my daughter right now, but you better not ever confuse that with my love for her. Love and grace are the only two things that have gotten me here to this day.

I was reflecting upon her meltdowns. In the process of them, I’m mustering up every bit of strength to not lose my cool but the reality of it is – it’s wasted strength because I lose my cool anyway. Once she calms down, her face breaks my heart. I can see the embarrassment. The guilt. The hurt. Oh my word, how I FEEL her hurt. She doesn’t want to get to that point, she just cannot control it. I so badly just want to look at her and have her tell me how to fix it. I don’t want you hurting, sweetheart. I want to help you more than you know. Of course that’s hard to believe when I’m constantly yelling at you, and for that I am sorry. I’m learning, too. If only we knew how to help you communicate effectively. If only you could flat out tell us when you had that double ear infection, your stomach hurt, or about your sprained ankle. If only I could help you find an outlet that you can just be yourself and I wouldn’t constantly be after you. Some of that is my anxiety that yells over my heart, and I hate it.

Next Thursday we meet with a mental health counselor for a second time, this time Chloe comes to meet her, too. We have met with her once and she, I think, is going to be what we need to point us in the right direction with the right professionals, just before real school starts next year. Kindergarten will be a whole different routine for her, and she will be at school a lot longer as opposed to Preschool. She won’t be able to use her memory as a crutch in hopes that she answers something correctly, when she has no clue what is being asked or talked about. She won’t be able to move around constantly. She won’t be able to have things go exactly her way. She is going to have to adjust, and I’m praying for some coping mechanisms and tools to give to her in this scenario.

I am playing phone tag with the developmental pediatrician who saw her last year. He told us to contact him if we still have concerns. Newsflash – we had concerns, and they were dismissed by FOUR OF YOU. So here we are, one year later. One year deeper into more anxiety and stress. One year deeper into sleepless nights, struggles, and constant worrying. I can’t blame you though because she is developing and growing, so a lot of it just needs to “run its course”. However, I’m done letting it run its course. I’m finding her the help she needs, because God only knows I am not adequate or equipped for that. I am equipped to love her the best I can, and that includes relentless research and never giving up. I don’t care what it takes.

]]>https://journeyofgrace2016.wordpress.com/2016/08/09/moving-forward/feed/6jgjohnson89Reflective silencehttps://journeyofgrace2016.wordpress.com/2016/07/18/reflective-silence/
https://journeyofgrace2016.wordpress.com/2016/07/18/reflective-silence/#respondMon, 18 Jul 2016 23:58:50 +0000http://journeyofgrace2016.wordpress.com/?p=223]]>It’s almost too quiet, I’m not sure I know where to start when it comes to reflecting back on the past few months. I don’t think I could put my finger on a date of when I last did an entry. You know what though? That’s perfectly okay. I’ll be okay. Mainly because I’ve been reserving my energy for (drumroll) our baby #3 on the way in December. God is so good.

It’s been a HARD few months. Mainly for myself. Mentally. Emotionally. My heart is tired. A couple things have improved here and there with Chloe. There was one week she slept through the night about eight days in a row which was heaven! However – I knew it would be short lived, but it was amazing while it lasted. A big improvement is our “toy jail”. Toys get put in jail for bad behavior, but a sticker for good behavior (listening, sharing, being compliant, etc) gets one toy out of jail. Let me tell you what – I have never seen a child go above and beyond to clean a room just for a sticker. Winning.

She had a sleep study done. They didn’t find anything, yet. She did a fantastic job I actually feel bad they didn’t find any issues because putting her through that process with all the tapes, sensors and wires was basically for nothing. On the bright side, there was nothing major so I have to be thankful.

We are really struggling with the territory that every three, almost four, year old hates – sharing, taking turns, and waiting. With Chloe, she just doesn’t understand it. She is so compulsive, when she wants something she just takes it out of someone’s hand. The minute we wake up in the morning, Ava isn’t even allowed to play with a toy because Chloe MUST have it . THAT. SECOND. It’s a constant battle. And I’m so, so tired. No matter how you explain it, she “wants to share” and when she gets in trouble for ripping stuff out of Ava’s hands she “wants to listen”. I then have to tell her that she doesn’t know how to share or listen, but that’s okay because we are learning. . . Right? Funny, because I could have sworn that we are stuck between a rock and a brick wall with this.

Today it hit me that I can no longer feel guilty for screen time Chloe has been exposed to. 95% of her conversations involve TV characters, and her pretend play is scripted lines from the shows. I can almost guarantee you that without any TV she wouldn’t be nearly as verbal, so I am perfectly okay with it. This is also when her insanely good memory comes into play.

Like I said before, my heart is tired. Tired of the unknown. Tired of feeling like a failure. Tired of constantly worrying about my little girl and am I really parenting her to help her grow and blossom, or am I hindering her by constantly yelling at her? Should I just let her put everything -including knives – in her mouth, repeatedely spill her drink over and over because of her lack of attention and insane hyperactivity, carry Ava around until she hurts her or both of them, eat all the salt out of the salt shaker, lick all my windows, SCREAM at inhumane decibals, climb up my fridge, hang from all my doorknobs and balance on top of the swing set? Do I just let her ask me questions she knows the answers to, but just wants to be a button pusher? Do I ignore her when she asks a question, and I respond and she asks “what?” . .and I repeat myself about five times and her response is still “what?”, half looking at me and half zoning out but she gets mad if I don’t respond. I am so worn, frustrated and want to quit trying to communicate with her because I feel like silence is better than yelling.

I thought I was incapable and incompetent parenting Chloe. Then Ava came along and she was a breeze. Everything came natural. With my darling oldest – every. single. second . I am researching, contemplating, thinking, strategizing, formulating, thinking and going over in my head again and again how we can do stuff different. To just breathe and know that she will be okay. Another step in the right direction – we are officially on a behavioral specialist waiting list!! It’s about 12-14 month wait but we are also on a cancellation list. that’s 12-14 months closer than NOT being on it so THANK YOU GOD. It kills me to see how huge of a heart she has because she feels so much, and because of how powerful her emotions are, unfortunately anger equals the size of her heart so she’s constantly jumping back and forth.

There’s still so much that people don’t understand about her, which is fine I’m not asking you to. Please don’t assume that she’s perfectly fine and everything was a phase because she seems to be doing so much better. What I am going to ask you is to not compare her to your kid who hasn’t had any struggles like she has had and still currently has. I am going to ask you to not talk about her in front of her. I am going to distance myself from those who think it’s okay to call her crazy and out of control, as well as those who don’t want to give her the time of day when she’s having a meltdown. I am going to distance myself from those who don’t have any exceptions for those with special needs because all behavior needs to be acceptable around your child. When I see your child not listening to Chloe’s cues that she needs to be alone, I will step in and tell your child to stop because chances are she may actually hurt them.

She will be four years old in September and this has felt like ten years. It will all be okay. Just one hug and an I love you mom later, my meter for unconditional love keeps growing. I need that. We all need that. This whole world needs some sort of lesson about unconditional love because without it we get caught up in our broken selves. I am truly thankful that God has given me Chloe, so I can reflect on how she has helped me grow into a better person. With a little bit of coffee and a whole lot of Jesus – we can do this.

Handwritten entries aren’t possible. Daily entries aren’t possible. I am even struggling with weekly, my goodness! This past month and a half has flown by. I, personally, have been trying to get on track with some health care so I needed to just take some time to focus on that. That includes mental health, so I have been spending very limited time from social media as well as taking a break from Facebook. So far, it’s been a great decision. This morning was a new routine – I actually got to shower while the girls were awake . . And I blow dried my hair! I feel like a woman. It’s nice to have that reminder from time to time when motherhood consumes you.

Good news! Our insurances changed. You know what that means? It covers speech, occupational therapy with some co pays, and possibly behavioral. This is HUGE. Our old insurance wouldn’t help us at all unless Chloe had some sort of diagnosis so we were stuck. Yesterday we had our first appointment with the Occupational Therapist, Kristen. She was very sweet and Chloe loved her. She definitely doesn’t struggle with gross and fine motor skills, so she aced this evaluation with flying colors. This coming Monday we have speech. She is extremely verbal, it’s just the matter of how she goes about speaking and communicating. “Chloe, how did you get a booboo?” Her response is usually, “Why not?”. She goes out of her way to tell me things we have already established like “Mumma! It’s baby Pinsy on the fridge!” (It’s a picture of my niece that has been there for two months and she talks about it all the time, but she does this with countless things). When she talks there’s not really a calm middle ground. A lot of words are over annunciated, and with extreme excitement. Talking with her can be pretty hilarious, as she is a little comedian (“Mumma! I Just FARTED in my UNDERWEAR!!”) You know, she just gives me these really proud mom moments. By that, I mean it’s helping me learn humility and grace with her quirky conversations. She sure makes me ready to have a boy, if he is in God’s cards for us.

Last night Cory and I went over a budget, and with how tight things are I’m actually happy to have this budget! We’re just getting by, but with this it will help tremendously. I highly recommend it . With parental stressors, rocky finances definitely don’t help. I was trying to finish writing out the budget neatly, but the girls had the referee eyes this morning ( I’m gonna make my sister mad and look at mom to fix it). Finally, they found the Tupperware drawer and were getting along. Ava, along with Chloe, found it hilarious to use her toddler belly to run into Chloe’s head. They both were falling over with laughter. Moments like those – hearing both of your kids laughter – is priceless. And contagious. We were going to go outside today since it’s warm, but the sky is laughing at me. It’s getting dark and windy. I can’t believe it’s almost March, where does the time go? Cory almost has Chloe’s room completely finished downstairs, and then Ava can finally move out of our room! Praise God! I can like do stuff in my room, like organize my craft closet while the girls sleep. Tonight I’m supposed to be having a girls night with a dear friend of mine, I am really looking forward to it. I’ll keep you posted

]]>https://journeyofgrace2016.wordpress.com/2016/02/25/a-step-in-the-right-direction/feed/0jgjohnson89Saturday coffee datehttps://journeyofgrace2016.wordpress.com/2016/01/16/saturday-coffee-date/
https://journeyofgrace2016.wordpress.com/2016/01/16/saturday-coffee-date/#commentsSat, 16 Jan 2016 22:10:00 +0000http://journeyofgrace2016.wordpress.com/?p=145]]>Coffee dates with your best friend ( husband ) are the best! Got an early start around 6am, because Ava was hungry.

Chloe woke up around 1:30 am (one of her many wake up times) , and came to find me for God knows what reason . I told her she needs to get back in her bed. I tuck her back into the top bunk . She falls back asleep. I ninja style crept out of the room .. Closed the door. Go back out to finish my food I warmed up – my insomnia/anxiety keeps me up at the most random times, and I am always hungry. Like, preggo version of starving. Doesn’t matter if I just ate dinner, I am always hungry at night. I take another bite, mid chew – Crying. The very familiar, and I hate to say – obnoxious – Chloe cry. It’s obnoxious because I don’t know how to help my kid! I don’t know if she cries wolf just because she’s not willing to sleep in her bed, or if she has anxiety sleeping away from people. I have no clue. But she senses it. And she hunts down what she wants ( mom ) so she can fall back asleep. Times like these I thank GOD for not being able to sleep efficiently. I do believe at times, I’m invincible . . But then Chloe’s infamous, blood curling scream and head butts reassure me that I am very much in fact human.

Cory made breakfast to go with our coffee. I’ve been blessed with a great cook for a husband! Also, a husband who supports a celiac diet – major bonus points. Gosh, I love that man. He had to work around noon so we enjoyed our time with Daddy until he had to go. He worked all day, had two services (He manages our church/parish cemetery) so it was a very long day. He came home and I shut myself in the room. I got some chores accomplished before he got home – you know, between refereeing the girls and hunting down my coffee/phone/TV remote/their sippy cups along with repeating myself umpteen times – It was a marathon but I came out still breathing! Once in the room, I finally dug out my sewing machine to fix some of Cory’s pants he’s needed me to fix for about a year now. Well wouldn’t you know it, Murphy’s Law came into effect when the glorious bells started ringing in my ears just by the sight of my beauteous – yet ancient – sewing machine. I set it all up, getting more and more excited (I love to sew and haven’t in about four years! ) and it happened. The feeling I was looking forward to quickly equaled the effect of Zebra gum (so amazing for about five seconds and then you are disappointed right away). My pedal wouldn’t work. Ugh. So I take everything out of the room to try and fix it, so Ava can go to bed since the pack-n-play is still in there. Then it was time for Chloe to go to bed, so I had to yet again put sewing on hold. Sigh. One of these days!! Those darn pants will be fixed but it’s now looking like another year will go by . . Uh oh. This machine has buttons – at least 20 – on it. Chloe and buttons? Forget it. Well, at least that will keep her entertained as long as she doesn’t touch the needle. Okay, Murphy, I’ll abide by your stupid Law .. Until we meet again. I WILL fix this sewing machine! I think I stressed Cory out getting Chloe ready for bed. Whoops. I am so fed up with the procrastinating manipulative games. “I do it myself” she says. Sure you will , love. So you will wait for her to do it and then she dilly dallies like the whole world will just put its orbit on hold for her. It was a long day and I wasn’t waiting anymore. The whole world can wait but I’m jumping the gun! I don’t care how loud and obnoxious I have to be (sorry, Cory) to get you tickled/laughed/squirmed/wrestled into your pajamas – you are doing as I Say. This is not a control battle – this is an I’m not waiting 20 minutes for you to take your sweet time obeying me and controlling this situation. It’s past your bedtime and I should have clocked out for break from motherhood like an hour ago . I’m only fooling myself because you’ll be awake in a couple hours on the hunt for me . JOKE’S ON ME.