My Submissive Epiphany

There are various ways of looking at learning. People learn in many different way but one categorization is visual, auditory, or tactile learners. Visual learners rely on viewing a representation of material and do best with graphics, outlines, pictures and other similar media. Auditory learners rely on what they have heard and retain more knowledge by listening to a lecture than a visual learner. Tactile or kinesthetic learners learn by manipulation of their environment with models, labs, field trips and other hands on experiences. Of course, most people are a mix of these learning types but rely on the method they feel most comfortable with.

I am predominately a visual learner. When I think back to my college days, I remember using diagrams and flowcharts to study for biochemistry. I would consolidate all my notes onto small cards and then take a visual snapshot of the material in order to regurgitate it for an exam. Unfortunately I no longer have that ability and struggle with my memory all the time. Just the price of too much garbage in my head I guess. What does all of this have to do with my relationship with Sir? From the beginning, Sir and I have used analogies to explain our relationship. It is the train ride to us, the train ride with no end or destination but constantly changing scenery. But in my head, I also think of the power as a balance. And we began on that first day of meeting with a Venn diagram of our common interests and differences.

From the beginning I viewed my submission as a Venn diagram with Sir’s control circle slowly overlapping my life and taking an ever increasing area of my circle. In the end, I believed I should have no control over all aspects of my life. I would obsess over the ways and means to bring this about not with Sir but in my head. The fights, arguments, and battles inside me would make me extremely anxious but in the end, I would realize I was not in control of the relationship. I would accept my view of the relationship but I was never really at peace with it. I could not reconcile my view of what should be with what was.

If I accepted that Sir was in control of our relationship, then I had to surrender control of the appearance of the relationship to him. Sir would control those aspects of my life that gave him enjoyment and not the areas that would burden anyone in their right mind. (Duh!) But was I surrendering a need or a want? It was an answer that proved elusive. If I needed to surrender total control of my life, was Sir not the Master for me? Why did I feel I couldn’t leave Sir? Why did I firmly believe I didn’t care what he controlled and yet it was important at the same time? Why did the words “I am his” repeat over and over as I ran mile after mile? The battle raged as I ran hundreds of miles, year after year … need or want?

The epiphany came one day while running: the diagram was wrong! I am not sure what spurred these thoughts except exhaustion with attempting to answer that inner dialogue with the same viewpoint of submission. What is important to me is not the control but the feeling of ownership. The diagram that fits my needs is two concentric circles with my circle inside Sir’s. I control what is inside my circle based on Sir’s instructions. I am always owned and there is no battle for control. In each moment, I am responsive and obedient to his desires. Inherent in that ownership is the level of control he wishes at any given moment.

It is a bit embarrassing to admit to my inner diagrams and dialogue to understand myself over the last few years. It seems to be obvious now and I want to smack myself (oops, that is Sir’s job). The peace I have found drives me to suck up any hesitancy and just write about this. Maybe my words will help some kinky person out there who is struggling.

About bonimiss

bonimiss only found her kinky side in her early 50s and thankfully found Sir shortly after. She is is a long distance journey with Sir and is constantly amazed at the new and exciting experiences and discoveries. You can contact her at bonimiss through the Submissive Guide Community.