Three Tips for Friendship Survival for Childfree Women

You just got the news that another girlfriend is “in the family way,” and you feel a twinge of guilt about your mixed emotions. Of course, you want to be happy for your friend and supportive throughout this big life change, but you’re also keenly aware that her life will be permanently altered—and your friendship will likely never be the same.

When my best friend announced that she was pregnant, I was taken aback. She was in her late 30s and hadn’t planned to have children; nevertheless, she was thrilled by this unplanned surprise! I visited her when her son was an infant. He was all consuming and I had to accept the fact that our friendship would forever take a back seat to her child. Her “baby” is now a teenager, and although my friend is able to get away from time to time for girlfriend visits, her child is always in the forefront of her thoughts.

During my 30s and 40s I felt the most like an odd duck with my peers who had kids. Despite working full time, I had heaps of free time and this allowed me to travel, exercise daily, routinely get a full night’s sleep, and save up for retirement. I had time to write my book, Complete Without Kids: An Insider’s Guide to Childfree Living by Choice or by Chance. Meanwhile, I saw others my age, including my best friend, stretched thin, exhausted and seemingly unable to truly enjoy any part of their lives fully. It was seldom convenient for them to get together with me — even more so because I’m not really fond of mixing kids with girlfriend time. My unwillingness to join in with parents and their children has interfered with building friendships with women my own age, but there are other ways for childfree women to be friends with moms. I came up with several tips on how to make it work.

1) Accept the fact that paths diverge, even with lifelong friendships.

When I was in the five-year process of attaining a PhD and a psychology license, I didn’t have much time for play and I didn’t see my friends as much. They knew, however, that I loved them and that we’d reconnect once I was back in the land of the living. This same phenomenon happens naturally when a baby comes along. Just remember that those friends will resurface eventually.

2) Make an effort to carve out time together away from other obligations, including career and children.

I’ve enjoyed having girlfriend weekends with my best friend over the past few years since her son has grown older. It’s a time when the men in our lives — our husbands and her son — stay at home and we can just have fun together. Sometimes I feel a twinge of guilt, but I remember that my friendship with her has thrived since we were nine years old and that we’ll likely grow old side by side.

3) Spend some time in each other’s worlds.

A few years ago, I visited my girlfriend in her home and was able to watch her be a mother and get to know her child. It’s great to realize that I’ve been a part of his life, even peripherally, since birth. Likewise, my girlfriend visits me in my home and sees that, despite not being a mom, I have a rich and full life that, like hers, has its trials. By sharing our respective realities, we’re able to enjoy our differences as well as what we have in common.

Remember, patience and acceptance are key ingredients to an enduring friendship. How do you stay close to your mom friends?

I guess I'm lucky. My best friend has 2 girls (both under 3 years old) but she still makes time for me. I live 1000 miles away from her but go to visit several times a year. She makes room for me to stay at her home and although I love her kids, she does not make our visits revolve around them. She still makes time to go out and have dinner and a few drinks with me and to show me around town. She never acts put-out by my presence or like she'd rather be doing something else.

The last time I visited, her baby was colicky and fussy. And yet she was still wiling to go out to dinner with me. She didn't try to change plans or play the "poor me" card in the last. The fact that she didn't put the baby before me was enough. I actually ended up suggesting we just order in and stay home. Did I want to spend the night with a fussy baby? Not really. But she sacrifices for me so it's only right that I sometimes sacrifice for her. Besides, everyone ended up happy. Her husband wasn't stuck alone with a fussy baby and I got to spend time visiting with him as well (I've known him nearly as long as I've known my best friend...we were all childhood friends).

Sadly, this couple is a rarity, I'm afraid. But I am so lucky to have them in my life.

I'm a childfree woman as well. I've found friends with children who have made time in their lives for me, while I've had a childfree friend who got "too busy" and dumped me when a new friend came along. The friends of mine with children are women who didn't lose themselves completely when the kids came along; I think that makes a big difference. They had goals and plans separate from motherhood and continued pursuing those goals while raising their families. My one friend got her master's degree when her daughter was 7 or 8 years old.

I'm guessing having children makes it more difficult to maintain friendships, but there are women out there willing and able to do it. After having a childfree friend dump me, my impression was that whether or not a woman continues a friendship (or starts a new one) has more to do with choice than people think. And I don't mean choice in the sense of "It is either your family or me" but in the sense of having a friend who chooses to set aside two hours this month to spend with me.

It was stated above, and I've seen it on many other childfree sites, that a good way to deal with the disappointment when a childed friend doesn't have time for you anymore--or you can't handle their excessively kidcentric lifestyle--is to make childfree friends, that there are plenty of childfree folks out there. Uh, no, not necessarily. If you're in a rural area such as I am, everybody's (espec. women in my age group, 60s) world revolves around church, family (espec. kids/g'kids) and quilting. (Yawn to all that.) The nearest place that has a childfree chapter is a 2-hour drive away. If you're thinking, "move closer to civilization", should I? Oh, yeah, definitely! And do I wish I could? You betcha! But am I able to do so? Unfortunately not, for various reasons. Now you may be thinking, "Well then, start your own childfree group." Been there, tried that, fail! (I've got professional social/activities directors here in town telling me that they've never seen such a lack on interest in people wanting to do anything other than stay home & check on their g'kids thru Facebook. So no wonder I had no luck, sign of the times, I guess.)

Despite being a devoted and hands-on parent, I have many friends who don't have children. I just don't have any "child-free" friends.

There's a big difference between childless people and child-free people. "Childless" people are just regular men and women who, for one reason or another, don't have kids. Some want them one day, some never wanted them, some wanted them but couldn't. I have no difficulty hanging out with them and talking about anything and everything under the sun. I still watch football with bachelor buddies, my wife and I still ahve dinner with childless friends, and I still have an occasional lunch with old friends of all marital and parental statuses.

Childless friends are a delight. "Child-free" people are jerks, one and all.

"Childless" is a perfectly neutral adjective. "Child-free" is editorializing. Nobody uses the suffix "free" except when they're boasting that they don't have something awful. An oncologist's patient is thrilled to be "cancer-free" for 10 years. A dentist recommends "sugar-free" gum. A hotel boats of its "smoke-free" rooms. In all three cases, "free" is stating that cancer, sugar and smoke are utterly awful things we're glad to be rid of.

When you proclaim yourself "child-free," you are stating that children are a nuisance and a curse to be avodied.

When you do that, it takes a lot of gall to wonder why your old friends who DO have children would rather avoid you.