“There’s still time to get Bellamy’s” said Packham, rubbing his hands together

After yesterday’s shocking news that the national sperm bank has only nine registered donors, assiduous reporting (and blackmail) have today allowed TMB to bring you the names and motives of the people whose babies will soon be infiltrating the population

Boris Johnson: the Mayor of London and popular comedian donated in order to create a future army of trike-riding Johnsons, who at some unspecified point in time will be activated synchronously to bring about bloody revolution and death to all car-users

Chris Packham: Packham’s extreme racialism has convinced him that only a species composed of supremacist wildlife-enthusiasts deserves to triumph in the war of the survival of the fittest

Across the world this week millions of people have signed a petition in support of Jeremy Clarkson’s crusade for the right to punch colleagues in the workplace.

Having been villified, censured and suspended by the BBC, simply for gently attacking a co-worker, Jeremy ‘Jesus’ Clarkson has become the spearhead of a movement which aims to protect core human rights.

This morning Mr Clarkson said “If we let them stop us from punching each other in the head today, then tomorrow they’ll be telling us not to use racial slurs, and

Jeremy Clarkson has defended his use of the N-word in un-aired Top Gear footage as “Part of my strategy to appeal to the more ‘streetwise’ youth demographic.”

Clarkson had initially denied using the word, but later admitted it and apologised, whilst insisting he had “done everything a human being could possibly do to avoid using it, short of ripping off my head and shitting down my own neck-hole.

“Seriously, it was physically and mentally impossible for me not to use the word, and I should not be judged for it now.”

In what promises to be the least interesting cagefight of all time, the smugly bland/blandly smug multi-platform merchandising whore and occasional gardener, Alan Titchmarsh, is to take on bloated masturbator and vroom-vroom fanatic Jeremy Clarkson.

Burying his last victim in front of cheering fans

Clarkson, who holds obnoxious opinions for money, called out the gardening fraternity for not attempting to sodomise cars up the exhaust pipe, saying “They think a hobby is something to spend time and effort on, whilst hugging plants like a big bunch of hippies.

“The only good use of your time is sitting back, switching on the TV, and watching me drive fast cars, with your hand stuck down the front of

Christians lucky enough to be unencumbered with high IQs have petitioned Jeremy Clarkson to visit Britain’s flooded areas, and “repel the waters like a modern day King Cnut”, after the presenter posted a homophobic image on twitter.

The photograph showed Clarkson sleeping in a plane, whilst a BBC employee held up a sign inscribed with the witty message ‘Gay Cunt’, next to the Top Gear presenter’s head.

“Jeremy is a true warrior for Christ.” said disgraced Ukip member David Silvester, (who thinks God sends floods to punish the UK for allowing gay marriage, and yet inexplicably thinks we should blame gays rather than, say, the deity who sends all the fucking water).

Proposals for a 32 mile section of the M1 to be restricted to 60 mph have been hailed by drivers as a potential precursor to the coming apocalypse. Whilst the move is ostensibly being put forward to tackle air pollution, some see it as the ushering in of a new satanic totalitarian state.

Nick Dobend, spokesperson for Driving Is Cool, Keep Speediness, said, “This is the thin end of the wedge, opening up the way for the government to take our homes and children, and – God forbid – our cars. It’s yet another example of the nanny state meddling in people’s God-given right to drive as they wish. We predict the collapse of western civilization by Thursday morning.

Due to the unpleasant subject of the article, here’s a picture of something far more appealing

Controversial television presenter Matthew Wright has once again courted controversy on his controversial talk show, The Wright Stuff. If you are unaware of this particular gem in British broadcast programming, this may be because it’s shown on Channel 5. And if you are unaware of Matthew Wright, well done.

Known for his thoughtful and sensitive handling of controversial issues, Wright controversially asked his viewers, just for fun, what they thought was the most offensive term to describe someone with learning difficulties. The options on offer being, “mong”, “spaz” and “retard”. This most recent controversy occurred during a debate about Rupert Murdoch’s controversial use of the word “retarded” in reference to David Cameron’s son.

Intellectual heavyweight and driver of shiny fast cars, Jeremy Clarkson responded: “What is the big deal? Oh, it’s just those PC Nazis stepping in, saying it’s ‘offensive’, and spoiling it for everyone, when it was all just a bit fun. I know someone in a wheelchair – God, no, he’s not disabled, it’s just a broken leg, he’ll be fine in a few weeks – he thought it was hilarious. See? And the fact that only 10 people complained is clear evidence that it’s not offensive at all. It’s certainly not down to the viewers of the show being total fucking idiots. And there only being 8 of them.”