“I seriously remember laying there like, ‘This is sex?'” I giggled into my coffee and looked over at the dumbfounded look on my friends face. It’s no secret that sex at seventeen is more comparable to some awkward naked handshake than anything pleasurable. No young boy really knows what he’s doing, but of course we are expected to lay there and pretend that they do. If you are one who insists on saying that sex was always good (even in your teenage years), then you’re lying. But what if you’re in your 20’s, 30’s, or even 40’s and you’re still pretending to climax? It’s time to share my thoughts on the truth about faking it. Ladies, get ready for a little girl talk.

Whether you’re laying there bored and desperate for something interesting to stare at, or wondering if he knows he’s on your hair, you’re not having fun. Take solace in the fact that you’re not alone, we’ve all been there. Reflect back to these experiences and allow yourself a moment to gag. At the same time think about why you weren’t enjoying yourself, I mean really think. It’s always a possibility that it was just bad sex. However, there are also a slew of other factors that need to be considered when that final finale never happens.

Unfortunately, there is still a tremendous amount of shame that revolves around female sexuality. Sometimes this shame never leaves you. It can settle in the back of your mind and discourage you from enjoying yourself. Other times it can come from a place of discomfort, either with your body or your partner. You could be so distracted with negative thoughts about the way that you look that you’re not even paying attention to how you feel. You may not be treated the way that you really want to be. You could explain what you would like from your partner, but if you’re too embarrassed or uneasy to share than there’s really no point. Cosmo can give you 101 Tricks to a Great Orgasm, but it’s not going to help if your problem is all mental. A woman’s body is not a machine and we should never treat it as such. Young women often jump or are pressured into sexual experiences with out discovering their own sexuality. The same “girly” magazines that tell you how to climax also promote degrading, self-sacrificing ways to Please Your Man. Society isn’t allowing us to sit with ourselves and ask what we want from sex. Women are conditioned to give which can make it extremely hard to receive. Not every woman has this problem but I know that there are a lot of us out there who need to establish a relationship with both our bodies and our partners.

For God’s sake masturbate. Learn your body and how you want to feel. Know every function, tick, and button better than anybody else. This will not only raise your self esteem and love for your body but it also help seize any sexual shame you may have felt prior. If you are unable to climax from casual sex, then stop having it. Don’t force your body to do something that it doesn’t want to do. You are allowed to wait and establish trust and love with someone you are interested in sleeping with. How can you enjoy a situation that you were unable to make a full decision on? Sex can be a gift for yourself as well as a shared personal experience with someone else. It is the exchange of something beautiful and natural that should be enjoyed. It is an act beyond the physical and has the ability to tug on your mind and heart.

Self love is the best love and it is the key to establishing a satisfying connectedness with others. Every woman has the right to feel good and be happy with her sex life. If you have yet to enjoy yours fully, there is nothing wrong with you. Orgasms are not just a physical reaction. Remember that your body is often smarter than you are. So love, trust, and know yourself fully in order to allow someone else to do the same. Ladies, I encourage you to enjoy yourselves because you want to, rather than feeling forced to pretend. After all, no ones going to applaud you for your performance. If they did I would have already won the oscar for best actress.