The following is a verbatim transcript of "Filthy Words" prepared by
the Federal Communications Commission.

Aruba-du, ruba-tu, ruba-tu. I was thinking about the curse words and
the swear words, the cuss words and the words that you can't say, that
you're not supposed to say all the time, [']cause words or people into
words want to hear your words. Some guys like to record your words and
sell them back to you if they can, (laughter) listen in on the
telephone, write down what words you say. A guy who used to be in
Washington knew that his phone was tapped, used to answer, Fuck
Hoover, yes, go ahead. (laughter) Okay, I was thinking one night about
the words you couldn't say on the public, ah, airwaves, um, the ones
you definitely wouldn't say, ever, [']cause I heard a lady say bitch
one night on television, and it was cool like she was talking about,
you know, ah, well, the bitch is the first one to notice that in the
litter Johnie right (murmur) Right. And, uh, bastard you can say, and
hell and damn so I have to figure out which ones you couldn't and ever
and it came down to seven but the list is open to amendment, and in
fact, has been changed, uh, by now, ha, a lot of people pointed things
out to me, and I noticed some myself. The original seven words were,
shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, mother-fucker, and tits. Those are
the ones that will curve your spine, grow hair on your hands and
(laughter) maybe, even bring us, God help us, peace without honor
(laughter) um, and a bourbon. (laughter) And now the first thing that
we noticed was that word fuck was really repeated in there because the
word motherfucker is a compound word and it's another form of the word
fuck. (laughter) You want to be a purist it doesn't really it can't be
on the list of basic words. Also, cocksucker is a compound word and
neither half of that is really dirty. The word the half sucker that's
merely suggestive (laughter) and the word cock is a half-way dirty
word, 50% dirty dirty half the time, depending on what you mean by it.
(laughter) Uh, remember when you first heard it, like in 6th grade,
you used to giggle. And the cock crowed three times, heh (laughter)
the cock three times. It's in the Bible, cock in the Bible. (laughter)
And the first time you heard about a cock-fight, remember What? Huh?
naw. It ain't that, are you stupid? man. (laughter, clapping) It's
chickens, you know, (laughter) Then you have the four letter words
from the old Anglo-Saxon fame. Uh, shit and fuck. The word shit, uh,
is an interesting kind of word in that the middle class has never
really accepted it and approved it. They use it like, crazy but it's
not really okay. It's still a rude, dirty, old kind of gushy word.
(laughter) They don't like that, but they say it, like, they say it
like, a lady now in a middle-class home, you'll hear most of the time
she says it as an expletive, you know, it's out of her mouth before
she knows. She says, Oh shit oh shit, (laughter) oh shit. If she drops
something, Oh, the shit hurt the broccoli. Shit. Thank you. (footsteps
fading away)(papers ruffling)

Read it! (from audience)

Shit! (laughter) I won the Grammy, man, for the comedy album. Isn't
that groovy? (clapping, whistling)(murmur) That's true. Thank you.
Thank you man. Yeah. (murmur)(continuous clapping) Thank you man.
Thank you. Thank you very much, man. Thank, no, (end of continuous
clapping) for that and for the Grammy, man, [']cause (laughter) that's
based on people liking it man, yeh, that's ah, that's okay man.
(laughter) Let's let that go, man. I got my Grammy. I can let my hair
hang down now, shit. (laughter) Ha! So! Now the word shit is okay for
the man. At work you can say it like crazy. Mostly figuratively, Get
that shit out of here, will ya? I don't want to see that shit anymore.
I can't cut that shit, buddy. I've had that shit up to here. I think
you're full of shit myself. (laughter) He don't know shit from
Shinola. (laughter) you know that? (laughter) Always wondered how the
Shinola people felt about that (laughter) Hi, I'm the new man from
Shinola. (laughter) Hi, how are ya? Nice to see ya. (laughter) How are
ya? (laughter) Boy, I don't know whether to shit or wind my watch.
(laughter) Guess, I'll shit on my watch. (laughter) Oh, the shit is
going to hit de fan. (laughter) Built like a brick shit-house.
(laughter) Up, he's up shit's creek. (laughter) He's had it.
(laughter) He hit me, I'm sorry. (laughter) Hot shit, holy shit, tough
shit, eat shit, (laughter) shit-eating grin. Uh, whoever thought of
that was ill. (murmur laughter) He had a shit-eating grin! He had a
what? (laughter) Shit on a stick. (laughter) Shit in a handbag. I
always like that. He ain't worth shit in a handbag. (laughter) Shitty.
He acted real shitty. (laughter) You know what I mean? (laughter) I
got the money back, but a real shitty attitude. Heh, he had a
shit-fit. (laughter) Wow! Shit-fit. Whew! Glad I wasn't there.
(murmur, laughter) All the animals Bull shit, horse shit, cow shit,
rat shit, bat shit. (laughter) First time I heard bat shit, I really
came apart. A guy in Oklahoma, Boggs, said it, man. Aw! Bat shit.
(laughter) Vera reminded me of that last night, ah (murmur). Snake
shit, slicker than owl shit. (laughter) Get your shit together. Shit
or get off the pot. (laughter) I got a shit-load full of them.
(laughter) I got a shit-pot full, all right. Shit-head, shit-heel,
shit in your heart, shit for brains, (laughter) shit-face, heh
(laughter) I always try to think how that could have originated; the
first guy that said that. Somebody got drunk and fell in some shit,
you know. (laughter) Hey, I'm shit-face. (laughter) Shit-face, today.
(laughter) Anyway, enough of that shit. (laughter) The big one, the
word fuck that's the one that hangs them up the most. [']Cause in a
lot of cases that's the very act that hangs them up the most. So, it's
natural that the word would, uh, have the same effect. It's a great
word, fuck, nice word, easy word, cute word, kind of. Easy word to
say. One syllable, short u. (laughter) Fuck. (Murmur) You know, it's
easy. Starts with a nice soft sound fuh ends with a kuh. Right?
(laughter) A little something for everyone. Fuck (laughter) Good word.
Kind of a proud word, too. Who are you? I am FUCK. (laughter) FUCK OF
THE MOUNTAIN. (laughter) Tune in again next week to FUCK OF THE
MOUNTAIN. (laughter) It's an interesting word too, [']cause it's got a
double kind of a life personality dual, you know, whatever the right
phrase is. It leads a double life, the word fuck. First of all, it
means, sometimes, most of the time, fuck. What does it mean? It means
to make love. Right? We're going to make love, yeh, we're going to
fuck, yeh, we're going to fuck, yeh, we're going to make love.
(laughter) we're really going to fuck, yeh, we're going to make love.
Right? And it also means the beginning of life, it's the act that
begins life, so there's the word hanging around with words like love,
and life, and yet on the other hand, it's also a word that we really
use to hurt each other with, man. It's a heavy. It's one that you have
toward the end of the argument. (laughter) Right? (laughter) You
finally can't make out. Oh, fuck you man. I said, fuck you. (laughter,
murmur) Stupid fuck. (laughter) Fuck you and everybody that looks like
you. (laughter) man. It would be nice to change the movies that we
already have and substitute the word fuck for the word kill, wherever
we could, and some of those movie cliches would change a little bit.
Madfuckers still on the loose. Stop me before I fuck again. Fuck the
ump, fuck the ump, fuck the ump, fuck the ump, fuck the ump. Easy on
the clutch Bill, you'll fuck that engine again. (laughter) The other
shit one was, I don't give a shit. Like it's worth something, you
know? (laughter) I don't give a shit. Hey, well, I don't take no shit,
(laughter) you know what I mean? You know why I don't take no shit?
(laughter) [']Cause I don't give a shit. (laughter) If I give a shit,
I would have to pack shit. (laughter) But I don't pack no shit cause I
don't give a shit. (laughter) You wouldn't shit me, would you?
(laughter) That's a joke when you're a kid with a worm looking out the
bird's ass. You wouldn't shit me, would you? (laughter) It's an
eight-year-old joke but a good one. (laughter) The additions to the
list. I found three more words that had to be put on the list of words
you could never say on television, and they were fart, turd and twat,
those three. (laughter) Fart, we talked about, it's harmless It's like
tits, it's a cutie word, no problem. Turd, you can't say but who wants
to, you know? (laughter) The subject never comes up on the panel so
I'm not worried about that one. Now the word twat is an interesting
word. Twat! Yeh, right in the twat. (laughter) Twat is an interesting
word because it's the only one I know of, the only slang word applying
to the, a part of the sexual anatomy that doesn't have another meaning
to it. Like, ah, snatch, box and pussy all have other meanings, man.
Even in a Walt Disney movie, you can say, We're going to snatch that
pussy and put him in a box and bring him on the airplane. (murmur,
laughter) Everybody loves it. The twat stands alone, man, as it
should. And two-way words. Ah, ass is okay providing you're riding
into town on a religious feast day. (laughter) You can't say, up your
ass. (laughter) You can say, stuff it! (murmur) There are certain
things you can say its weird but you can just come so close. Before I
cut, I, uh, want to, ah, thank you for listening to my words, man,
fellow, uh space travelers. Thank you man for tonight and thank you
also. (clapping whistling)