“It is not the setting aside of August 21 to commemorate the day of Ninoy’s assassination every year that makes him a hero…it is rather the sum of his selfless deeds that makes him so and gives meaning to August 21 as a celebratory occasion for the people to remind ourselves of the meaning of his life and especially of his epic death.”

Privilege Statement of Sen. Nene Pimentel at the Senate August 13, 2008

So there I was, sitting in my “Theories in Nursing” class, the instructor going trough the syllabus. I must have tuned out because the next thing I heard was the deadline for our first paper for the term, a 5-page concept paper. I looked at the sea of eager students and I sensed that they were all in the same page with the instructor. I, on the other hand, was on the verge of a panic attack. “Concept paper? WTH?!”

You see, this was ten years after I did anything remotely academic in nature. After graduation, passing my RN boards and a short stint in the hospital, I refused to use my brain any longer. For 7 years, my work was routine, from day-to-day, I delivered a spiel. And if my boss thought I did any thinking and planning at all on how to achieve my quota, he was mistaken. I was lazily going through life, mentally, that is. My ultimate goal was to get a job that required no thinking at all. I stopped writing altogether, not an essay, nor a short story, nor a poem. Not even one line of a quote. I wasn’t even reading anything.

When the international doors opened anew for nurses, and the people in my circle started leaving one by one, I got apprehensive. I didn’t want to go back to nursing. By God, how could I? I could still do vital signs, but most of my nursing knowledge were either forgotten or had gone obsolete. But I also could not stay where I was, knowing that there’s something better out there. It was a struggle. I scanned through every ad, looking for the perfect way to ease back into nursing, one that will not give me a splash of cold water. And then it came, a US work-study program.

From the moment I saw the ad, I knew it was perfect. But it was also too good to be true, I had my doubts. I went for it anyway. Long story short, I flew to San Antonio Texas, with $70 in my pocket, a credit card that had minimal credit limit, a contact number that has been changed, and a pretend optimism. I figured I could just wing it, the way I winged my undergrad, get an MSN degree, earn a little and go from there. Boy was I so wrong!

So that fateful day in August, when I sat in class almost biting away all my fingernails, the “verge” became a full-blown panic attack. I didn’t talk at all on the way home, and as soon as we got into the apartment, I hid in my room and scolded myself. “WTF did you get yourself into?” I cried myself to sleep that night, thinking about how I can not allow myself go home a failure.

The next day though, I found a friend that would help me conquer the uncertainty – the internet. Before that day, the internet and I were only acquaintances. Save for email, I have never come to really appreciate its power. All day I searched for examples of a concept paper, and when I was satisfied about my newly gained knowledge, I started to write. I never stopped writing since.

Through this experience, I befriended yet another that would make my life in graduate school easier – the library. My whole academic life before this, I have entered the library one time, and it was not even for studying or researching. It just happened to be a meeting place. But, oh, how we bonded through grad school.

I was happy to be writing again, and was ecstatic at having valuable resources at my fingertips. I probably called in at least ten times, favoring writing over earning some $$$$. If I could write instead of go to work, I was a happy girl.

2010 has been a roller coaster ride. The 1st part was turbulent, the 2nd part was a transition. 2011 promises a year full of opportunities and I’m biting. This will be a good year.

One of the things that I have neglected the past years was my writing. It’s an ongoing joke, I have lost my mojo and instead have fallen into the longest block ever known to any writer. But mostly, I just lost my motivation because I have been preoccupied with setting my life straight, and not doing a good job of it. But now, I can finally sit down and think about writing again. The air has cleared, although not totally yet. I’ve gotten rid of the smog and that’s something to be thankful for. Soon, everything will be fresh and green again.

This is my first time on wordpress. Signing up for a new platform for writing was an important step IMO. My old blogs have become tinged with bad blood that to continue using them would just derail the process of moving forward.