Tracy Beckerman is Lost in Suburbia and trying to hold onto just a little bit of her former, COOL, pre-mom self!

Top Ten Things to do at Back to School Night

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About this blog

Nationally syndicated columnist and author Tracy Beckerman is \x34Lost in Suburbia\x34 ≠ managing the chaos with a healthy dose of humor. Her next book, a \x34momoir,\x34 will be published in spring 2013. She contributes to many online mom sites,
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Nationally syndicated columnist and author Tracy Beckerman is \x34Lost in Suburbia\x34 ≠ managing the chaos with a healthy dose of humor. Her next book, a \x34momoir,\x34 will be published in spring 2013. She contributes to many online mom sites, including www.todaysmama.com, www.rolemommy.com and www.newjerseymomsblog.com and is an official blogger for Lifetime Television's hit show, \x34The Balancing Act.\x34 She also does stand-up comedy and has appeared at venues including The Comic Strip Live in NYC and The Erma Bombeck Workshop in Dayton, Ohio. Before she became a columnist, Beckerman was a writer and producer in the television industry for 10 years, managing the advertising & promotion department at WCBS-TV New York. Tracy is married to a very understanding guy. They have two children and live in New Jersey where she writes, does battle with woodchucks and avoids, at all costs, driving a minivan.

Last night was Back to School Night at my kids’ school. †

When my kids first started school, I loved going to Back to School Night. I loved meeting the teachers, getting the little note on the desk from my children welcoming me to their class, and eating the baked goods put out by the PTA for the parents. But having been to a slew of these events over the years, I now tend to get a little bored, and really, at this point, I’m just kind of in it for the cupcakes.

So this year, I decided to come up with a list of things I could do to make Back to School Night a little more fun.

Feel free to try some of these yourself:

10. Stick a wad of chewing gum under the desk for old times sake.

9. Raise your hand during the teacher’s presentation and ask for a pass to go to the bathroom.

8. Ask her to teach the important stuff in the beginning of the year in case the Federal Witness Protection program has to move you again quickly.

7. Tell the other parents about the wicked case of lice your kid had over the summer, but don’t worry… you’re pretty sure you got rid of most of them.

6. When the teacher asks for the forms you were supposed to fill out at the beginning of the school year, tell her your dog ate them.

5. Volunteer to be the Class Mom and then reminisce about the brownies you made last year that gave everybody food poisoning.

4. When the teacher tells you you can leave a note for your child, tell her you can’t read or write and you hope your child will be the first one in your family to graduate from elementary school.

3. Ask the teacher if there’s a garbage can they can leave next your child’s desk all year because your kid is a puker.

2. Tell the teacher you have triplets but you only enrolled one of them and they’re just going to take turns going to school.

1. Introduce yourself to the principal and ask him how he feels, hypothetically, about parents bribing their kid’s teacher.