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Friday, April 24, 2015

I'm working on it.

Tonight was a very long and hectic shift at work. The good news about it being so crazy is that the time went by much faster than it normally does. For that reason, I sincerely hope that tomorrow night is the same way. If I have to be stuck there for seven hours, I'd rather not be staring at the clock.

After I got home, I ate cake because, well, my roommate bakes things and then shares and the best words to hear after you get home from an exhausting night of work is "I made cake! You want some?"

And then I called Austin because after this week, I was in serious need of a pep talk from my guru (don't ask, that's just what I call him). And that sweet boy was ON IT at midnight in the middle of finals week. Right towards the very end, he said something that hit me straight in the heart because it was so beautiful and profound.

Austin: Remember that you're the best and I love you.
Me: I just...why am I the best?
Austin: You're the best because you ask questions like that. You truly don't understand why people like you so much. You have this humility, and it's not like it's some false modesty. It's real, and it's this really raw thing in you that is just so beautiful to watch.

I always learn something when I talk to Austin. Tonight it was about seeing myself the way my friends see me.

Austin's right, you know. Most of the time, I really don't get it. I don't get why some of my friends act like they're the lucky ones to have me in their lives. I've spent so much time caught up in how undeserving I feel to have them love me like they do that it never really occurred to me that they might actually enjoy it, let alone that they might actually feel lucky to have me, too.

But this past week or so, one friend in particular has been giving me a lot of advice and wisdom on the importance of balancing humility and confidence. Because confidence is what people find attractive. And too much humility can make you a doormat.

There are so many fine lines to walk in this life. It's kind of exhausting to try to keep up with them all. And I guess part of growing up and becoming an adult is learning how to walk them while still being a person you're proud of.

So I'm working on it. I think the key is to keep showing myself grace and surround myself with people who will show me grace, too.