Monday, August 24, 2015

I had stopped writing on this blog because I was trying to live past the cancer. It was in my past, and this past year, i have had so many personal battles, that I needed the cancer to be in the past.

I think, like many women, and probably anyone who has had cancer, the cancer put a strain on my marriage that I couldn't "fix." My husband left me last June, and I spent months trying to figure out what my future, my family would look like without him.

Dispite all the stress and tears I did try my best to keep all of my doctor's appointments. My stress was evident in all of my blood test. Month after month the stress was showing, so my doctor ordered some additional scans. The day before thanksgiving, at 4:30pm i learned, there it was, a mass in my left lung, cancer. I was shocked and sad and scared. I knew what this meant. This was stage 4 metistatic cancer. So I sat there with my doctor and cried. Then found some colleagues/friends who were still at work, I work at the hospital where I get treatment, and fell apart.

Dispite all the ugliness from our divorce, the first person I thought to call was my husband. He came to pick me up and drive me home. He made dinner for our kids and stayed a while. I told him I needed the past to be the past and for him to come home. He wasn't ready to give me an answer. He went home and left me to tell my daughters privately. They know that I had cancer, but we're to young to really remember it. They both started crying, even though I tried to reassure them that I am the same person I was the day before. That's all they know, that the cancer is back, I think they know it's stage 4, but at 6 and 9, they do not need to know what that means.

Eventually, my husband and stepson moved back and we spent Christmas and new years together as a family.

Not the happy ending I wanted, I'm not even sure what it all means, but what I do know is that God has a plan, and who am I to question it. I will accept my life, and love my life. I have so many blessings, and I am posting this months late, but I thought my cancer journey had ended, now I will try to live my best, love my most, and hope.