Mystery Worshipper: Acolyte.The church: St Augustine of Canterbury, Queensgate, Kensington, London.Denomination: Church of England.The building: A large Victorian building dominated by a Martin Travers
high altar and reredos. Seating is mainly fixed pews. An array of statues
and shrines with their votive candles can be found throughout. The customary
stations of the cross alternate with mosaic wall decorations. There is a
general atmosphere of decay – an appeal for new roofing tiles is in
progress. Could a falling tile account for the broken holy water stoop?The church: A church under threat, where the worship has been reduced
to daily morning and evening prayer except for Sunday holy communion. No
full-time priest. Sadly, more notices for concerts rather than church services.
The neighbourhood: Close to the Kensington museums and apparently
dependent on local students and passing visitors.The cast: The Rev. MC Bain, chaplain-general of the Guild of Servants
of the Sanctuary; the Rev. JD Moore, warden of the Guild of Servants of
the Sanctuary.

What was the name of the service?
Guild Office, Procession and Benediction.

How full was the building?
Two-thirds full, about 160 people.

Did anyone welcome you personally?
Six burly gentlemen, resembling
bouncers, were at the door and greeted us with "You will need this"
as they handed us a service booklet and hymn sheet. No handshake or welcome.

Was your pew comfortable?
Very hard seats and small hassocks.

How would you describe the pre-service
atmosphere?
Most of the congregation were chatting
prior to the arrival of the entry procession. About half lit votive candles
or knelt to offer a prayer.

What were the exact opening words of the
service?
"O God, make speed to save
us!"

What books did the congregation use during the
service?
A specially printed service book
and a loose-leaf hymn sheet.

What musical instruments were played?
The main church organ.

Did anything distract you?
Various people appearing and disappearing
in the sanctuary area. Geriatric choir members hobbling into their stalls.
A group of four cantors who looked as though they had slept in their crumpled
copes and apparently thought that the "off the shoulder" fashion
was appropriate for church. The master of ceremonies, who could well seek
employment as a gangmaster in a detention camp.

Was the worship stiff-upper-lip, happy clappy, or
what?
The first part was a formal service
based on a hybrid of vespers and evening prayer sung to Gregorian plainchant.
There was some antiphonal back-and-forth between the cantors and the choir.
But then came the procession – and I use the term loosely. The deacon
started things off with the words, "Depart in peace, alleluia!"
instead of "Let us proceed in peace, alleluia" I wish I had! The
procession snaked off with many stops and starts. The four cantors formed
a football style wall, I suppose to prevent the procession from wandering
off course. When they returned to their positions, they knelt – or,
more accurately, collapsed to the floor – for benediction.

Exactly how long was the sermon?
No sermon.

Which part of the
service was like being in heaven?
The actual benediction with attendant
clouds of incense.

And which part was like being in... er... the other
place?
The censing technique of the thurifer
during the magnificat, where he censed everyone in a pattern resembling
the feeding frenzy of a swarm of bees. The master of ceremonies driving
the troops with sweeping arm movements as though conducting an aerobics
class. The cantor and members of the choir who were always a beat behind
their colleagues. An ethereal voice from one of the cantors that managed
to traverse three Gregorian modes in the antiphon before it was rescued
by the congregation.

What happened when you hung around after the service
looking lost?
No one wanted to talk apart from
an officious person marshalling his troops for a commemorative picture.
One of the bouncers snatched my service book with the comment, "I'll
take that." A sad day for an organisation promoting good serving in
the Church of England. I think people were glad to be going home.

How would you describe the after-service
coffee?
None was on offer.

How would you feel about making this church your regular (where 10 = ecstatic, 0 = terminal)?
2 – This was not the general
form of worship at this church so it would be unfair to make a decision
based on this event. If this had been a typical service, then I would be
unlikely to make this my church.

Did the service make you feel glad to be a
Christian?
Yes, but I wish I had followed the
deacon's advice to depart early.

What one thing will you remember about all this in seven days' time?
The elderly choir members trying
to climb over fixed pews, and the football wall of cantors blocking the
procession.

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