Sunday, July 17, 2011

Silence is golden?

Husband is sleeping. Haven't been on too much, as I don't want him to know about my community of support. It's one thing that I don't have to share, so I don't intend to. Since he's been out of work, except for a few odd jobs here and there, he is home ALL THE TIME! For the most part, it's good. Yesterday, not so much. He met his half brothers and sister when he was 16. Lost contact until about 2 years ago. We all went to dinner. It was akward. I'm extremely shy so I really strugle talking with strangers. He went to a birthday party a week or so later, where they were talking about how disgusting overweight "chicks" were. Yes, that hurt because I'm overwieght. WAY overwieght. He informed me that they were surprised to see him with somebody so big. :'( That hurt. After seeing them 2 or three times, they stopped returning any phone calls and they lost touch again. Soo....a few weeks ago one of his brothers finds him again. They make plans to do lunch. Husband tells me "I think it's just going to me the two of us. You don't mind, right?" Well, of course I don't. I have no desire to see them again. Go, have fun. Leave me here. Saturday morning comes and they girls biological dad decides to pick them up for a few hours. YES! A couple of hours, just for me. I start cleaning my kitchen when he comes up behind me to tell me he texted him to ask if he minded if I came.

I told him not to worry about it, he needed to go an catch up, just them. I didn't want to interfere. Next thing I know, he's telling me that his brother is bringing his girlfriend and their baby, and we have to go. I clam up (as I usually do when I get upset) and he starts to bug me about what's wrong. So I tell him. I don't want to go to lunch with this guy, who thinks I'm disgusting because of my wieght, who doesn't like me because of what I look like and doesn't care who I really am. I certainly don't want to eat in front of this guy. It's akward and I was never even asked if I wanted to go!

Yeah, well...wish I had sensitive husband at that moment. Ideal response? "I love you and I'm sorry he said that. You don't have to go, he's a jerk and I think that you are the most beautiful person in the world. I wish you didn't have to feel this way because of something some punk said." Actual response? "Why didn't you tell me before?"-you never asked "I love you, but you are the only one who can do anything about the way you look. If we want to lose weight we need to stop playing video games, get off the computer and do something about it." -thanks a lot sherlock holmes, I thought somebody else could lose the weight for me! I got dressed. Screaming match at the gas station about how I 'should' feel, how I should have told him before, even though it really didn't matter because they weren't in his life anymore, about how I need to do something about it if I didn't like the way I looked. Me yelling at him that I have a right to my own feelings, that I can hurt if somebody talks about me, and he shouldn't ask me questions if he doesn't want the truth. 40 minutes of silence before he says he wishes I would just talk to him and he's sorry. I apologize. Lunch goes good.

On to Best buy! Things were great! Then I told him that I did NOT want to buy the blue ray player. Good deal, yes. $70 we don't have, yep. I forgot that he wanted to look at the tvs and walked the other way. He gets grumpy saying "we'll just leave since you don't want to be here anyways" I tell him it's fine, I just forgot. We'll look at the tv's no big deal. Then comes the 20 times of "what's wrong" The last time I say nothing and he responds with a comment about the mornings argument. 40 minutes home of no talking, 2 hours sitting at home not talking, then a 2 hour church function of no talking. He's fine today

It's just whatever now. It's easier to not say a word. He gets frustrated because I don't talk to him, but that's because he gets angry when I do. I just hate days likek yesterday...

4 comments:

These siblings sound horribly insensitive. If I were in your shoes, I would stay as far away from them as possible! And why in heck would your husband insist you go to lunch with them?

I have had many, many silent days with my hubby. Why say anything when I will get yelled at? Some days, it's my only line of defense. Drives him crazy when I won't talk, as he is a talker, and is also always home.

Isn't this the roller coaster part of it? You never know how they will respond, never know if it's safe to make a comment, never know if you're allowed to have an opinion of your own. It's what keeps me exhausted.

That hurts - big time. Been there, done that. I used to self-medicate (being married to an emotionally abusive spouse and trapped in a job I HATED, besides never having the time, energy or privacy to pursue the creativity that was always meant to be my life's work.) Anyway, eventually me weight ballooned way up, and my husband would make disparaging remarks about it, but I was so depressed I didn't really care. I would lose weight for a while, and he would say, "That's a start," but he would still be just as nasty and just as critical.

For the last 22 years, he has been married to the woman he was cheating with when we divorced. My son says she looks like an ailing toothpick. She lives mainly on ice cubes and ice water with lemon squeezed into it, and walks around muttering to herself, "Mustn't get fat. Mustn't get fat." (This is according to my son, an adult now, who visits them once or twice a year.) She hasn't worked all the time they have been married, and sleeps 16 to 18 hours a day, so there is no way she could support herself if he divorced her, so I guess she feels she has to keep herself model-thin to please him.

I've been more or less at "normal" weight since leaving him. I remarried 20 years ago, to the sweetest guy. We both love to eat, but now I somehow have a built-in "governor" that tells me, "You've had enough. Stop now." I don't even think about my weight. It just seems to take care of itself. But getting away from unhappiness and criticism made all the difference.

I love my days off. I work from home sometimes, and I find I just wish I could kick my husband out for a bit... funny though. Hubby was planning on going to his mom's (my request) for the weekend but they thought it was to late by the time he was ready to go (it wasn't, but that's my opinion). I was mad. I didn't want him to touch me, pay attention to me, I was looking for my free time and wasn't going to get it. I was upset and he asked why... I actually just blurted it out and he looked at me, said he could still make that happen, gave me a kiss, and walked out the door. I still dont know if he was mad or just wanted me to be happy... but he came back. That day and a half to myself was great. I know some people want to be by their spouses side 24/7. I'm just not one of them, lol.

Followers

About Me

I've been the wife of a diabetic since November 11, 2004. He is my rock and everything to me. My children are my world, and with the Lord we can make it through anything. It doesn't change the fact that I just get so frustrated that he just doesn't take care of himself sometimes. He's too young to give up.