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Sunday, March 25, 2012

It Is What It Is

When I am writing a blog, it's usually quite easy for me to do. My inspiration for them, comes from my life. My family, friends, and children. What Im going to talk about now is very personal, about my family and my children.

5 years ago on November 17, 2006 I gave birth to my only son. His first name came from my younger brother, who passed away in 1990 from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). His middle name came from my Uncle Jimmy whom had passed away in 1998. Thus my son, Jonathan James Williams was born. He weighed in at 7lbs 8oz and was 19 and 3/4 inches tall.

At the time my son was born, his father and I were not together. But his entire family, including him was present for the birth. The very first words that came out of his father's mouth was "He's not mine" and he left moments after that. His family stayed, because even they knew it was his son. He however didn't believe it until almost 9 months later when he wanted a DNA test, and no surprise it was his son.

He then proceeded with court options. First he tried to take him away from me, until he realized that was never going to happen. Then he filed for visitation rights, which were well within his rights as a father to do. I didn't like it, and I fought it every step of the way, but what could I do? I knew even then that my son was better off without him. He wasn't mature enough or mentally capable of taking care of our son.

In the midst of all this court drama that I was being led through (save that blog for a different day) He was with another woman. While he was with this other woman they had a child together, which would be Jonathan's half sister.

I was dead set that I didn't want my son up there, at any cost. He was constantly coming home with bruises and talking about how this that and the other was happening while he was down there, but my son was only 2. Anything that he said wouldn't hold up in court and I couldn't prove ANYTHING. So I did what any mother in her right mind would do, I kept my son home from visitation. Two days later, his lawyer filled Contempt of Court charges against me, and believe you, me I was damn happy to do the time as long as my son was home safe. But his lawyer later on dropped that charge, but there were many contempt charges against me, but it was all the same. Because I wouldn't send him on his visits.

It almost killed me watching my son go through these things and legally there wasn't a thing I could do. I fought and fought and I even ended up putting not just my son, but my oldest daughter in Therapy because of everything that was going on. It was taking it's toll on my daughter as well, who didn't understand why he would want to take her brother away from her. Needless to say his visitation continued. Until a little after he turned 4. I found out he broke up with his girlfriend. And less then a month later, he came to my house wanting to be with me.

At first, I just played it off as him playing his games, because that's what he is good at is games. But then he started talking serious and I wasn't sure what to do. My gut told me to just roll with it. Because if his father was here, then my son wouldn't be off doing God only knows what wherever. So I played the "we are together" game for awhile and it worked. Less then a month later, I told him to get out of my house and he hasn't seen his son since.

Now, he refuses to speak to me whatsoever and doesn't have any contact with his son at all. However, he does indeed have regular visitation with his daughter. I know this, because I talk to her almost everyday. She has actually became one of my very close friends. Her and I socialize quite a bit. I make the drive down to Lincoln when I can, and she does the same when she can.

However, their father wants to keep them apart. Why, I'm not 100% sure. It baffles even me as to why a father wouldn't want siblings to be around each other. But what really gets me is that he will have vistation with one child and not the other..

I just think it is what it is. My son is better off without him in his life, because buying gifts, doesn't make you a father. You can't buy a child's love no matter how hard you try. Why do things have to be this way? Who knows. Maybe it's just my son's destiny. I do my best, as a single mother of 3. But he is a boy, he needs a man around, he needs a father.

My son is kind, sweet, compassionate, funny, good lookin and just a joy to be around. He is missing out on a great little boy, who will grow to be an amazing man and father one day. But I see it as his loss. My son isn't missing out on anything at all. And it doesn't matter how hard his father tries to keep brother and sister apart. It won't happen. They are family, her daughter is family to me and that's the way it will always be, whether he likes it or not.

I hate to sound like an advocate for your "least favourite person in the world" (the one you'd through an anchor to if he were drowning), but think about your son. You're making his decisions when you believe he's better never knowing his father. What will your son say to you in 20 years, when you try to explain to an angry young man why you denied him his father? If he continuously refuses to improve his character, your son will realise this. But one thing he will never understand until he's an adult: why you detest someone he loves, and why you punish him (from your son's point of view), using him as a tool to punish someone your son loves.If you think he's being harmed, make no hesitation to engage the youth authority. It's not really their job to take kids away from their parents; it's their job to make adults better parents.

Im not denying my son anything whatsoever. HE is the one who stopped contact with him, not me. Legally, I had no choice but to send him on his visitation. He was still going until his father stopped it, not I.

What will I say to him? It's simple really. I will tell him what he already knows. His father doesn't (didn't) want to see him. My son is 5 years old. He is old enough to know better. He may not understand it right now, but he knows it was his father who stopped the visitation, not me.

I don't believe that my son loves him. He doesn't even want to see him. Because he doesn't understand why he would see him one week and completely deny he exists the next, and I don't either.

That "man" has been through parenting classes, therapy and all sorts of things, and it made no difference whatsoever. The only person that he is worried about is himself, and that will never change.

I can't force him to be a father, and Im not going to send my son to see someone who doesn't want him around and denies he even exists.

Now when my son is older and he wants to speak with him, or try and build a relationship with him, I will take him down to see him and he can learn for himself. It will then be his decision if he wants to see him or not. But for now, it just is what it is. I can't change it.

I am a stepmom and my husband's children lived with us because his ex wife didn't want the two kids. She saw them once a year, a week in the summer, and would send money for their birthdays and holidays. I never talked against their mother in front of them and when asked why she didn't want them to live with her I would just tell them I didn't know, someday they would have to ask her. I would go on to say it was good for their father and myself because we loved them and enjoyed having them with us. As they became teenagers and tried to build a relationship with her, it became very obvious to them all the answers they had questioned early in life. Just bide your time and don't end up later on being the "bad guy" because you said ill things about his dad. He will figure that out all on his own,

I agree Elaine. I don't talk about him while Jonathan is around. I just figured I would wait until he got older and when he wants he can try and build a relationship. I won't keep him away from him, but if he doesn't want to see him I will not force him either.