Spoof news stories from Sunday 3 June 2012

London - The eclipsed Sagittarius Full Moon promises to drive people bonkers with a compulsory extra day's holiday and other Government bollox.
Astrologers call it the Strawberry Fool Moon on account of supermarket scams to make shoppers cough up...

Prince Harry and Prince William did not sing the traditional words to the National Anthem during the Diamond Jubilee finale. Expert Lip readers were brought in to attempt to work out what they were singing.
"We think they were singing something ab...

Bed and Breakfasts across the country have signed up to the new Jam Recycling Scheme in their hundreds, and now the scheme is beginning to pay dividends.
"The Jam Recycling Scheme is amazing," said Beryl Braithwate, owner of the Sunset View in Amb...

It's been a long time coming, but Prince Philip has finally been declared a 'National Treasure' following his outstanding performance at the Diamond Jubilee Pageant.
Where it pissed down all day.
The 90 year old consort to HRH - who hitherto ha...

Des Moines, Iowa -- Two Iowa bulls have been diagnosed with a venereal disease after a wild night of partying across the state line in Missouri.
Iowa agricultural officials have placed the two hapless bulls under quarantine after they tested posit...

'Scientists' from CERN have decided that they will have found proof of the so called 'God' particle by the end of the year. Just before the money pit closes for refurbishment.
The Higgs boson, which has absolutely nothing to do with religion, was...

CHANTILLY VA - According to our mole at the Build-a-bugger conference, Angela Merkel has agreed to extend the borders of Germany over the entire Euro-zone.
"We have some old maps in our files that we can place on the table. We would hate to waste...

London - The 1956 Dean Martin hit was heard playing on a Thames fishing smack at Chelsea Harbour this afternoon as Kate showcased yet another frumpy, post menopausal-looking ensemble.
"Looks like she's stuffed loads of toilet paper inside an under...

NEW ORLEANS - Two of the four suspended "BountyGate" players on the NFL New Orleans Saints team recently met for dinner at the luxurious Hotel Ooh La La on Bourbon Street.
Linebacker Jonathan "Bam-Bam" Vilma, who received a one year suspension, di...

Anyone expecting a repeat of last year's Royal Wedding controversy - when Pippa Middleton's bottom completely stole the show - found only crushing disappointment as today's Diamond Jubilee Pageant passed peacefully off in the pouring rain, with nary...

The Queen narrowly escaped death this afternoon when falling overboard from the Thames cruiser Spirit of Chartwell during today's Royal Jubilee river pageant.
The incident occurred as the boat, converted into a barge for the day, went underneath...

The GOP House of Representatives passed legislation on Friday granting millions of dollars in tax breaks for puppy mill owners.
John Boehner Speaker of the House stated, "It is time for these hard working folks to be recognized for their contribu...

There are levels of Hell that even Dante did not know.
Hells that are not bright and hot but with an icy cold that freezes thought itself.
Hells of place, of emotion, of mind, of other people.
And there are places on earth where these Hells break to the surface and there manifest.
There are types of the undead that have never been written of
We know of vampires and werewolves and polterge...

Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich today admitted defeat in his search for a decent manager for his ailing club.
The normally reticent Mr. Abramovich made a preliminary statement that he was able to speak today as had recently undergone a week's crash...

Tributes were pouring in last night following unexpected events in the world of Wee Jimmy Krankie.
According to reports, it is understood that eight-year-old Wee Jimmy was mistaken for a sausage roll and then eaten by guitar legend Eric Clapton at...

London, England-- "Picture yourself on a boat in a river..." sang Queen Elizabeth II to herself as she sailed down the Thames. The queen was in a jolly mood as the bright June sun burned in the clear London skies. Her Royal Highness was as high as...

God has refused to attend the Queens Diamond Jubilee celebrations, he was too busy mending his garden fence in heaven because the Devil sent an army of cockroaches to dig up his front lawn (there are no moles in Gods heaven only the UK parliament) an...

A&E departments across the capital have reported a surge in admissions today as a steady stream of TV correspondents appear to be signing themselves in for treatment; suffering from a new and worrying illness, brought on by The Diamond Jubilee,...

Master tactician Roy Hodgson, the new England manager, today confidentially predicted that England can go all the way and win Euro 2012 - and he even predicted the scores in the group and knockout stages.
Hodgson spoke to us exclusively last nigh...

Baroness Warsi, 'bent' Conservative Party Chairperson, was to be run over by a train near Harrow-in-the-Hill, under the instruction of her lawyers - a newspaper claimed today.
The Warsi defence team had been left reeling after the latest curry cor...

Although details remain somewhat sketchy at the moment, it appears reasonably certain that two police divers, conducting underwater security operations ahead of the Diamond Jubilee Pageant went missing last night in the vicinity of Tower Bridge.
W...

PHOENIX - In a move that has surprised many fans of The Green Lantern, the state of Arizona has banned the sale of all Green Lantern Bobblehead Dolls.
According to Taffeta Kixx with the iRumors News Agency, Arizona Governor Jan Brewer has just sig...

Using a large portion of the 6 billion dollars that he obtained by filing false travel expense reports, work at home GSA employee, John Jerkoff, bought the country of Bolivia for 5 billion dollars. Reaction from the world's nations was one of shock,...

Britney Spears has come to the defense of George Zimmerman. Spears has inserted herself into the debate surrounding the problems experienced by Trayvon Martin.
"I want to become the public face of George Zimmerman, because I'm a good ol' girl from...

The government of Ukraine hit back at concerned critics today defending perceived racism and homophobia among its citizens as "harmless horseplay and banter".
At a hastily convened press conference for the international media intended as a damage...

People gawked. Cellphones were whipped out, and photos snapped. Totally unimpressed, the pig, wearing a bright red calico scarf around his neck, continued onward to his destination.
Later in the day, a Spoof reporter, expert in the language of...