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Assassin’s Creed [2016] ★

Since everything has already been said and done about “Assassin’s Creed”, the awful big screen adaptation of the popular video game, I’ve decided to do things differently for this review. I’m going to pretend that this is Twitter and I’m going to “tweet” my opinion about this movie using 140 characters or less. It might seem unusual, but not as unusual as big studios fucking up every video game ever made. And “Assassin’s Creed” is no exception. It’s a loud, lousy, incoherent mess from start to finish. Let’s go:

1. Good thing I saw “Assassin’s Creed” in an empty theater so I could shout “horrible” at the screen repeatedly without bothering anyone.

2. “Assassin’s Creed” isn’t as bad as people say it is. It’s worse. Much much worse.

3. The best thing I can say about “Assassin’s Creed” is that it made me appreciate the Resident Evil series.

4. At one point in “Assassin’s Creed”, Michael Fassbender stops to ask “what the fuck is this?”. Same goes for the movie. What the fuck was this?

5. “Assassin’s Creed” plot is so overstuffed and confusing that it requires a book called “Assassin’s Creed for dummies” to figure it out.

6. “Assassin’s Creed” is a horrible thing to do to video games fans. Haven’t they suffered enough?

7. Poor Jeremy Irons. This isn’t the first time we see a bad video game adaptation, but dragging Irons down with it is a criminal offense.