Was This Sharing Room with a Married Man Friend Ok?

Updated on
July 31, 2018

M.H.
asks from
Rootstown, OH
on July 30, 2018

15
answers

Or I'm overreacting. I ended up sharing the room in the mountain hut with my married male friend this weekend. I'm married too. We traveled with a larger group of people (dance group).
We were with our kids (his 2 and mine 1). We were all having separate beds (my son didn't sleep in the room with us, but with his friends). He arranged for us to be in the same room. We know eachother spouses but just the two of us are friends. His kids told their mum that they were with me and my son, but I don't know if she knows we were in the same room. It was the first time I was in the room with a man that is not my husband and no matter how innocent it was I felt awkward. It was strange to wake up in the morning and see some other man smiling at me, even from across the room. I felt as we are sharing an intimate moment that doesn't belong to us. He is always so free and outgoing and I'm very uptight, so maybe I just exaggerate. He always says he would never cheat on his wife, but still...I'm always on the wach and it took me for surprise when he told me he chose us a room. I know he tells his wife everything that we do,but somehow feel that it is just to put her mind at ease, since I know her being jelous. Wouldn't you feel insecure if your man spent the night with some other woman in the room, again no matter how innocent. I know my husband would so I'm not going to tell him since it was this one time only and it can never happend again, but it bothers me.

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So What Happened?

First of all thank you all for your opinions. Today as I was telling my husband how it was on the trip, I told him for the sleeping arrangement and thanks to some of your point of views I realised it was not big of a deal so he also took it as that. It makes me feel much better now that he knows. It came out this way cause there was not enough beds for all of us. He is realy nice guy and I like his company and would like to think he is just friendly, until proven different.

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W.W.

answers from
Washington DC
on
July 30, 2018

Welcome to mamapedia, M..

WHY did you not say no to this situation? I'm confused. If you were NOT comfortable with it - WHY did you allow it?

WHY did this "friend" make arrangements withOUT asking you first?

There are TWO male friends that I would share a hotel room with. Other than that? No. I would get my own room. thank you very much.

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R..

answers from
San Antonio
on
July 30, 2018

I'm pretty sure once I found out he had booked us in the same room I would have been calling the hotel or down at the desk to get a different room.

My husband would have understood an additional charge for the trip if I told him I had been booked to sleep with another dance dad and not a dance mom.

It sounds like he is trying to be sneaky and loosen you up for something more than friendship. Married people of the opposite sex don't share rooms.

Now you feel like you have to keep a secret...no way!! That is this guys manipulation tactic...it happened, you had several kids chaperoning you...tell your husband (or at least think hard about it) that it shocked you, you didn't know what to do, and it won't happen again.

Stay away from this other man, he is walking trouble!!

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S.B.

answers from
Houston
on
July 30, 2018

No I don't think this was appropriate. What I don't understand is why didn't you say "nope I'm not comfortable with this so I'll get my own room, thanks".

Personally the fact that you don't want to tell your husband is a red flag. You need to tell him. Its better to come from you than someone else. You not telling him is hiding it. How would you feel if the roles were reversed?

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B.C.

answers from
Norfolk
on
July 30, 2018

It would not have been ok with or for me.
It speaks to a pattern that his kids seem to be lying for him to their mother.
How many other times has he pulled this little trick of his?
He could have slept near the kids - used a sleeping bag or a cot - and left the bedroom for the lady (you) to use in private.
That would have been the gallant and gentlemanly thing to do.
Or everyone could have slept in their rooms with their own kids - people do that too.

So now you are going to lie to you husband about this 'innocent' weekends sleeping arrangements?
Slippery slope you got going there.
You need to tell your husband.
This friend is not your friend.
He's not free and outgoing - he's careless with his own marriage and yours - and sneaky.
Time to cut this friendship off.
You're not uptight enough.

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S.T.

answers from
Washington DC
on
July 30, 2018

where were the other adults? were there more rooms available? what did you say when he told you he 'chose you a room'? what is your child going to tell your husband if asked? what will you tell his wife if she confronts you?
khairete
S.

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J.K.

answers from
Wausau
on
July 30, 2018

It can be a perfectly normal no big deal situation.

But in your case it is clearly not okay because 1- you're bothered by it, 2 - you know your husband would be bothered, and most importantly 3- you've chosen to lie by omission to your husband.

What you should have done, based on your own feelings and knowing your husband's likely feelings, would have been to talk to your husband immediately when the room assignments became known. Then you and he could have discussed how to handle it, be it deciding it was fine, getting another room, or turning around and going home.

Now you're going to need to have a more awkward sit down with your husband to say, "I need to tall you about the mountain weekend...."

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M.D.

answers from
Pittsburgh
on
July 30, 2018

I have a male friend who I would have been fine doing this with. An important note here is that I would tell my husband and he would be fine with it too, because he knows that I've been really good friends with this man since before we were married. I'm sure my friend would tell his wife because she knows me too - we are all friends. We've known each other for more than 20 years, and there has never been anything more than friendship between me and this person.

That said, the situation you describe is very weird. He didn't ask you in advance if it was ok? He didn't tell his wife until forced and you can't tell you husband? All huge red flags. This was clearly NOT ok.

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T.S.

answers from
San Francisco
on
July 30, 2018

I would find it strange to sleep in a hotel room with a married man, friend or not, and would have gotten my own room. Not sure why you didn't do that since you clearly weren't comfortable with the situation.

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K.G.

answers from
Fort Myers
on
July 30, 2018

I think its fine because you were in separate beds and the kids were there. Tell your husband. You don't want him to find out from someone else. It will just cause a big fight with you guys. You are agonizing over this because you feel guilty. Tell your husband what happened.

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V.S.

answers from
Reading
on
July 30, 2018

How rude of both of you to your spouses.

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C.C.

answers from
New York
on
July 30, 2018

What this man did borders on sexual harassment - regardless of you being married!

Even if you were single, for him to put you in the position of sharing a room with him without you having freedom to choose that situation - that's bad.

Tell your husband. This guy sounds like a creep!

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T.D.

answers from
New York
on
July 30, 2018

I think you should tell your husband, and make serious efforts to avoid a situation like this in the future.
You had separate beds. While it is awkward and has now made you uncomfortable. I don't see an issue. So tell hubby and move on. and avoid this type of situation next time.

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N.K.

answers from
Miami
on
July 30, 2018

The married friend should not have booked this without first asking you if you were okay with this. Honestly, I don't understand why you didn't each handle booking your own rooms, in order to avoid this. I would never expect someone to book a room for me, especially if there are situations, like this one, that I'd want to avoid. What if he had chosen to book a large king sized bed for you two to lie on, for example? You could also have booked a large suit with individual bedrooms and beds (a/k/a doors for each room) to avoid this situation, if it made you uncomfortable. I am sure there were other options, maybe a different hotel, if that one was fully booked, a motel, a Travellodge type of place, or a nearby AirBnB (which I had to rely on when all the hotels in Atlanta seemed to be booked due to Hurricane Irma)...like I said, there ARE options if such situations suddenly arise.

If I had a steady boyfriend, fiance or husband, I would hope he and I would be comfortable enough to trust each other and mention the hotel room arrangement and take into account each other's feelings BEFORE going ahead with it. I would hope we could trust each other to not become sexual, especially behind each other's backs, and with our kids around. However, if he said he was not okay with this and I really loved him and wanted to keep our relationship strong, I would respect his feelings and tell the friend we cannot share a room as it makes my significant other uncomfortable and therefore, I am not okay with it either. I wouldn't wait until after it happened or it would probably cause a blowup and make him suspicious, and honestly, I wouldn't blame him for feeling that way. Why hide if there's nothing going on? A lack of communication and disregard of others' feelings is EXACTLY why so many relationships fail these days. Don't let that happen to yours.

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C.N.

answers from
Baton Rouge
on
July 30, 2018

Did you have sex with him? If not, then I don't see the problem.

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C.G.

answers from
Cleveland
on
July 31, 2018

If it were my husband, he would he would have asked lots of questions. It all is based on the circumstances, and how much he trusts you. If he can't believe it when you tell him the truth, you've got some trust issues going on. It depends on how much he trusts you, and hopefully he will. Best to avoid these types of questionable arrangements. Personally, from what I know about men, it would be hard to believe everything was above board. Because the flip side is that men are easier to seduce than we are. If he stays suspicious, you'll have to let time take care of it. Tell him that there's nothing more to relay about that night, and if he keeps asking, there are some serious trust issues you both will have to work on.