Ask Joy: Wedding? Why?

Ask Joy

Why do women want to get married? As a woman, I don’t grasp it myself and certainly could never see getting married before I’m 25 or how it would be important.

My Response

Guess what is so cool? You don’t have to get married! Just make sure you don’t make flippant comments without thinking about the repercussions of them. Men will hear your mantra of not wanting to get married, and if at age 25 you all of a sudden decide to change your mind, your past words will probably still ring in the ears of some guys who might be too scared to ask you out.

One of my friends who values her singleness and independence recently said, “If I live a life of singleness, I want it to be because God chose it for me and not because I chose it for myself.”

Sometimes our desire for singleness can be rooted in control or fear. I think it’s important to invite God into that conversation of why we feel so strongly about singleness and marriage—positive or negative feelings.

I hope you are being honest with yourself. For me, I want to get married for a number of reasons, like…

I want the intimacy of being loved by one man. I want to have a father for my children. I hope to be known and believed in and realize I have a partner and an advocate who I can call husband. I want to believe in someone and be his advocate and be called his wife. And, unless one of us dies or he chooses to leave me, I plan to grow old with my husband. It won’t be perfect, but I think it will be pretty darn cool.

Before you write marriage off as “unimportant,” I would encourage you to make a list of reasons why it might be valuable. It might surprise you that it isn’t just women who want to get married. Quite a few men desire it as well. Talk to them—see why they have a longing to enter into this lifelong union. It might give you a broader perspective and a more open mind.

Again, the beautiful thing is that you are free to do whatever you want. I don’t know what is in store for you, but an attitude shift might be a good starting point for you since there are a lot of people who do see marriage as important.

From my matronly heart,

Joy

Question

Why do you want to get married – or NOT get married?

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Also, I’m gonna go ahead and put this out there: If you’re 25 and wondering why on earth someone would want to get married, CONGRATULATIONS! You might be one of the eight actually celibate people who doesn’t struggle with sexual frustration! Hooorraaayyyyy!

But chances are, you aren’t celibate. So yes, if you’d don’t believe God’s design is for sex to only occur within the parameters of marriage, your incentive to marry may (for a time at least) somewhat decrease. Understood.

I guess I could actually contribute to what this lady asked. I go through that thinking sometimes despite the fact that I deeply desire marriage.

I think I’m a little scared of it sometimes, and I don’t want to deal with how hard it can be or that I might freak out at something weird he does.

Though God may not have it for you now or in the future, marriage is important. It is a sacred covenant that is representative of His covenant to us. Though there is the frustration of being joined with another broken human, a truly Godly marriage (no matter what form that takes) is a beautiful sight.

Beth thinks...

I guess this is a good place to make my statement since I thought it at after your last video trilogy but didn’t add it in my comment.

I agree with you in all the same reasons I would love to get married. I also think so many women desire it because it’s our ultimate calling. Aside from serving Christ, of course. Think about Eve, she was made FOR Adam. He needed a companion, a helper, a friend, a best friend, someone like him. We’re daughters of Eve so it makes sense that we desire the same. I’ve done many things in my singleness, traveled, went after my career, served God in places I never dreamed I could be, but still, to this day, when people ask me what I see in the next five years, I always say my passion is to become a wife and mother. And also to be able to share all the great things God has given me the opportunity to do while being single with someone.

There’s nothing wrong with being/staying single, but I believe the majority of us, women and men, desire companionship. It’s a deeper, more intimate way of being in relationship (between God, man and woman) that we can’t experience any other way.

Aaron thinks...

Jess thinks...

I want to get married to my boyfriend, a decision I couldn’t have made without God giving me peace about it and showing me that he made us for each other. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, and serve God with him as we challenge each other spiritually in different ways. I find it interesting that while I’m a reader and listener and studier of God’s Word he is more of a doer and puts his faith in to practice. He has opened my eyes to other people and looking for ways to serve others and not be so me-centered. I can’t wait to see how God uses us to encourage each other and become a unified team to serve Him! Oh and I would get to see him every day instead of every other weekend!

Kaitlyn thinks...

I was JUST telling my friend the other night that I wanted to get married. Okay, so it may have been because I was having difficulty making my bed, and I’ve already decided that I’m delegating that duty to my husband when I get married. Still, I love a quote from the movie shall we dance:

“Why do we get married? Because we need a witness to our lives.”

Just about sums up how I feel. Everyone wants to be cared for and loved (AND respected!) unconditionally. Marriage allows for that. (:

Erin thinks...

I want to get married. Yea for marriage! What a good creation. But, just like your independent, single friend said, Joy…as a single woman I want to live a life of marriage, not just because I chose it for myself but because God chose it for me.

There’s this really great story in Lewis’s Magician’s Nephew where Aslan tells the character, a boy named Digory, that he must bring him a golden apple. When Digory obeys and has the apple in his hand, ready to take to Aslan, the witch accosts Digory and reminds him that it has healing properties and that Digory could heal his dying mother if he would just take it to her. Digory resists temptation after a struggle, and appears to Aslan with the apple. Aslan greets him with a “well done,” and it is the fruit of the apple which creates the kingdom of Narnia. Right before he leaves for home, Digory confesses his temptation to Aslan. Aslan replies that regret ” is what would have happened with a stolen apple. It is not what will happen now. What I give you now will bring joy.” And Aslan gives Digory the apple.

I think all good gifts, including marriage, might be all in His loving control, and not ours.

Joy, I love this!
“I want the intimacy of being loved by one man. I want to have a father for my children. I hope to be known and believed in and realize I have a partner and an advocate who I can call husband. I want to believe in someone and be his advocate and be called his wife. And, unless one of us dies or he chooses to leave me, I plan to grow old with my husband. It won’t be perfect, but I think it will be pretty darn cool.”
I love that you believe all those things are possible for you and in marriage. Because they are! So many marriages don’t look this, but they are possible. And I imagine your parents have set a good example for you in this regard. I love that you have a positive and expectant view of marriage.
It is so fun to have someone to get old, saggy, and wrinkly with. I know – cuz it is happening

John B thinks...

I love and echo your reasons to get married, Joy. I also desire to know the oneness of that covenant since it is symbolic of God’s relationship with us. And then (like John B) to know God’s Father heart for me in a deeper way by being a parent. The only way we change and become more like Him is through relationship, and marriage is the ultimate example of that.

lisa thinks...

I know this is way after the fact, but I thought throwing this passage in the mix has value: From the text it seems Jesus was tested in his singleness too in Matthew 19. Pharisees wanted to test the single Jesus about marriage and divorce issues and He dealt with their hardness of heart and the plan from the beginning of oneness. Then the disciples ask the explosive question: Matt 19: 10 “If such is the case of the man with his wife, it is better not to marry.” which makes me kinda chuckle because these are real questions people still ask today about committing to marriage. Jesus then deals with the culture of singleness:
11 But He said to them, “All cannot accept this saying, but only those to whom it has been given: 12 For there are eunuchs who were born thus from their mother’s womb, and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He who is able to accept it, let him accept it.” Obviously, I’m distilling singleness has it’s God’s purposes as well as marriage. Then I chased the bunny trail of “Eunuchs” didn’t realize in Asia there was another whole culture of slavery associated with men who were forced to be Eunuchs. Those born to the glory of God Eunuchs had their portion of reality to deal with too. And of course the happiest Eunuch was those who chose it freely-”ouch”! Jesus wasn’t mutilated in the flesh as Eunuchs, but he chose singleness for the Kingdom. His apparent singleness (though he had a Bride he was preparing for-the church)was tested it seems but He cares about it and understand it too. The truth rings out that not everybody can handle what God is doing in the midst of singleness. I like the essence the author brings out in The Message in the marriage portion, although I think he misses the Eunuch culture portion.
Matthew 19: 8-9Jesus said, “Moses provided for divorce as a concession to your hard heartedness, but it is not part of God’s original plan. I’m holding you to the original plan, and holding you liable for adultery if you divorce your faithful wife and then marry someone else. I make an exception in cases where the spouse has committed adultery.”
10Jesus’ disciples objected, “If those are the terms of marriage, we’re stuck. Why get married?”
11-12But Jesus said, “Not everyone is mature enough to live a married life. It requires a certain aptitude and grace. Marriage isn’t for everyone. Some, from birth seemingly, never give marriage a thought. Others never get asked—or accepted. And some decide not to get married for kingdom reasons. But if you’re capable of growing into the largeness of marriage, do it.”
Once again, thanks Joy for creating the opportunity to dig deeper through your discussions!