Greets and greetings – you know here I am being tempted to write “tifosis” having done so for an incredible number of years, but quite honestly and obviously this is not appropriate now.

So, we have had our first race for the Mercedes team and it is clear these young puppies mean business. People have asked me if I am disappointed after my first race back, as it were, in my saddle. No.

It was good news to hear in the week that one of my favourite race circuits, Monza will continue to present the Italian GP after Bernie put out some suggestions that it might go to Rome. When in Rome you are obliged to do as the Romans. So it would have been the tourist rip-off grand prix. They would also need to find a flat piece of road and I do not think there are any.

But.

I am administering a tease to you on this subject of not talking about my first race. It was good to fight at the front. It was good to be 6th and not 7th or 8th, because I believe the top four teams should consistently dominate the first eight positions. I would like to have beaten my team-mate, but I am more relieved that we have a good positioning base to work from.

People have asked me if I like Nico Rosberg; what a question is that? He is like a young brother to me, like Ralf. But obviously better looking and more talented. And he doesn’t have a half-crazy wife also.

Talking about half-craziness, I am reading that Stefan GP are trying to buy USF1 so that they can use their GP entry and still start racing in 2010. Even though Jean has told them they are going to ask for new teams to apply all over again. They are beginning to become like the annoying kid that says to you: “can I have a go on your bike?” all the time and won’t go away.

When we were on the grid in Bahrain for the photo of the past champions he told me that they are about as welcome in F1 “as a wasp up my arse.” And that is not a fun or interesting prospect.

That reminds me. It is bad news this week that we have been asked to change the hole in our rear diffuser. Under regulations we are allowed to put a hole through it to allow a starter motor to start the engine – a very vital part of racing I think you will agree. The boffins had come up with a banana-shaped starter motor hole, which quite innocently gave us a tiny bit of aero advantage, not at all very much in the slightest, but now it has been banned.

Let’s hope the FIA don’t spot the data capture cameras positioned on the inside of my new helmet. After qualifying, when the cars are parked together in parc ferme, you may notice I am free to wander over to other machines and look inside. What nobody realises is that I am holding my helmet which has twin cameras relaying data back to the Mercedes telemetry unit. From the Bahrain GP I was able to look inside the McLaren cockpit and ascertain that Jenson had scribbled ‘Lewis sucks’ on the inside.

From the next race on, the FIA have persuaded all the FOTA teams to run the logo, ‘Make Roads Safe’. I can tell you the one way to help that campaign is by banning journalists from hiring cars. They are all terrible drivers. They even make Liebelings Pudgie Wudgie Donut face look a bit talented. One good way to make roads safe would be to remove Jeremy Clarkson from them. He has no idea. He told me in rehearsals for his programme, Top Cat, that he has to drive everywhere with a lookalike. If he is stopped by police – which is usual – they swap places and the lookalike gets the penalty points. So there you have it, on that bombshell…

Finally, to prove I am still enjoying myself back on the F1 grid here is my next joke for you to treasure: