“Nothing can be necessary that he withholds”

Last Friday, I listened to Taylor Swift’s 1989 for the entire 9-hour drive from Denver to Kansas City. Collectively my favorite record I’ve heard in ages, it just might have the power to pull me out of athletic retirement and train for another half marathon. Running would probably be good for me, seeing as how these days I’m wound as tight as a guitar string one pluck away from snapping up and whipping you in the eyeball.

In the past month, I’ve been in a lot of airports – Denver, Minneapolis, Austin, Atlanta, Kansas City, Chicago, Rochester, and Baltimore, to be exact. Between work and my far-flung family and friends, I travel more than the average person – and I’ve found that the only way I can survive the aggravation of airline travel is to wear earplugs at all times. Not ear buds – I don’t want music. No, I want to drown out everyone and everything, even at the risk of appearing rude to my fellow passengers. Oh, you just introduced yourself? UNACKNOWLEDGED. You’ll get over it one day.

But despite the irritation, airplanes get me where I want to go – which, this weekend, was upstate New York for 24 hours. While I’ve been a bridesmaid more times than I have fingers, “godparent” is a new role for me – and there was no way I was going to miss Colin’s baptism. He is 6 months of chubby, flirtatious perfection, and I’m honored beyond words that his parents would choose me.

When the service was over and the reception was in full swing, I stole away to the edge of Will and Miranda’s dock on Seneca Lake. Their property is beautiful – it’s been in Will’s family for generations – and I needed to be by the water. At the risk of sounding all woo-woo, water affects me spiritually. It cracks my hard heart wide open. It’s a shame that Denver is so landlocked.

There on the dock, I thought about the stories that the majority of my friends are living, and how different mine is turning out to be. I tried to tell myself that it’s okay, I’m okay, that not having a family of my own is actually far less complicated and I should be happy for the simplicity of my little life. After all, as some well-meaning friends have told me, it’s dangerous to love someone so deeply – because then you have so much to lose.

Well. I’ve never been divorced. But I’ve never been married. I have never lost a child. But I’ve never had a baby. Hope unrealized brings with it its own invisible grief, one that doesn’t fit into an obvious category, the kind that solicits cards and casseroles. Could it be that things that haven’t happened can hurt as badly as things that could?

Because it’s one thing for all of your friends to get married. It’s another when they start having kids. It’s entirely another when they decide to be finished having kids… and you’re not sure if you’ll even start.

I know, cue the sob fest and the weeping ovaries. Except.

Here’s what I’m discovering: joy is found in connection, and connection comes in all sorts of forms. I might not be a wife, but I’m a friend who can and will hop on a plane at a moment’s notice to fly across the country. I might not be a mom, but I’m an auntie, and a dog lover, and now a godmother. I’m a daughter and a sister. I’m a hard worker who cares about the well-being of the people I work with. I’m a writer and a wanderer and a hoper and a dreamer, and damn it, I want to be one who celebrates the things worth celebrating, even if they’re not happening to me.

And until those celebrations are my own, I’m clinging to John Newton’s words: “Everything is necessary that [God] sends; nothing can be necessary that he withholds.”

Given that, I’m really thankful that God has sent Foxy Brains and Colin Warder and Southwest Airlines and red wine and Taylor Swift.

I feel you so whole-broken-heartedly. I know the pain you describe. I was 34 when I finally got married. That’s a solid 14 years watching friends and family get married and start having kids. Now, having lost the boy who taught me how deep and profound love can actually be had been taken from me in a violent way. I can’t fathom having a child of my own. It was my life’s dream. Not anymore. I’m paralyzed by pain. I hope I can find a way to be hopeful sometime. Life is far too constant.

I needed this. Thank you. I’ve often thought to myself that perpetual singleness is its own form of infertility…. however I’m hesitant to go around saying that as to not be insensitive to those with an actual medical condition. You found a way to say what I have felt with so much eloquence. Thank you.

I never know what to say when all I have is the nodding of my head, over and over and over. So many of the same thoughts and emotions have been running through my mind and heart recently. Thank you for tacking on encouragement and hope…
Still my favorite blogger in life!
-MJ

You have the most beautifully fragile heart. What bravery for you to confront unmet desires and share with us. You know that Paul thinks you are better off single – -more wholly devoted and purpose driven (but I get the idea in general he enjoyed suffering)

These words ring very true for me too right now, Annie. Thanks for sharing. I too am praying for the peace and trust evident in Newton’s words and for the grace needed to look beyond and above self-pity and love others well, through all life’s stages.

“When the service was over and the reception was in full swing, I stole away to the edge of Will and Miranda’s dock on Seneca Lake. Their property is beautiful – it’s been in Will’s family for generations – and I needed to be by the water. At the risk of sounding all woo-woo, water affects me spiritually. It cracks my hard heart wide open.” You are my sister, which I have known for some time, now. Blessings to you and the little one and his parents. It is an honor and a responsibility, this thing called love. Such a beautiful post, dear Annie. I’m sorry I gush all the time…it is the way I am. But you are so special, and I want you to see what we see in you. Obviously I am not alone is this *looks heavenward*

Here is a wonderful teaching on whether we “hope for” or “hope in”, or living with the tension of both. The woman speaking, Gayll Phifer-Houseman, is very funny, wise, practical and honest. Thought you might find some value in it. Love your courage and laser-like ability to express what all of us spend time trying to talk ourselves out of. http://www.the-river.org/sermons/the-gift-of-hope/