Success Depends More on Friendship Skills than Romantic Ones

If you are around the age of 20, you probably have something on your mind – or maybe just lodged in the back of your mind. In our matrimaniacal culture, obsessed as it is with marriage and coupling and romantic “achievements,” you probably can’t help but wonder about your own romantic skills.

Once we get past all this over-the-top hyping of coupling, and realize that there are people of every age who are perfectly happy living single (and some, such as the single-at-heart, who live their best lives single), then we will all be better able to live the lives best suited to each of us as individuals.

In the meantime, it is great when there is some myth-shattering research that challenges our cultural fantasies about the overriding importance of being good at romance.

Here’s the question the study addressed: Suppose we measure how talented and successful 20-somethings are at friendship and at romance; to what extent would those age-20 talents predict success 10 years later in their work life, as well as in their friendships and romance? So, if you are good at friendship at age 20, are you likely to be doing better in your work life at age 30 than if you were not good at friendship as a 20-year old? What about your romantic talents at age 20 – how relevant are they to your success at age 30?

Researchers have been studying 205 Minnesotans since they were between the ages of 8 and 12 years old. Around age 20 and then 10 years later, they assessed how skilled and successful the participants were at friendships and romantic relationships. At age 30, the researchers also assessed success at work: “a clear track record of reliably holding and successfully executing the responsibilities of paid positions.”

To measure friendship skills and romantic talents, the researchers used the participants’ own reports (from several sources, such as validated self-report measures and, at age 20, in-person interviews), reports from their parents, and the evaluations of clinical psychologists who saw the participants’ self-reported data. For friendship, the assessments were designed primarily to assess whether the participant had “a close, confiding friendship,” though other indications of having a social life were included, too. For romance, the key question was whether the participant “had engaged in a close and positive reciprocal relationship with a romantic partner for more than a brief period.” The 30-year olds were asked whether they had such relationships within the past 3 years.

The results?

Friendship skills at age 20 matter for success at age 30. People who were good at friendship at age 20 were more likely to be succeeding at paid work 10 years later than those who were not good at friendship. Unsurprisingly, those who were especially good at friendship at age 20 were also especially good at friendship at age 30. And guess what? They were also good at romance.

Romantic skill at age 20 did not predict any successes at age 30, not even romantic ones! The 20-somethings who had had “a close and positive reciprocal relationship with a romantic partner for more than a brief period” were no more likely to be successful at work 10 years later than those who did not have such a partner. They were also no more likely to be successful at friendships. And, those who had a good and lasting romantic relationship at age 20 were no more (or less) likely to have such a relationship 10 years later!

So if you are a 20-year old and you think you are good at romance, good for you. Enjoy it for its own sake. But if you are a 20-year old and you are good at friendship, you have something to be truly proud of – something that will last and which may even predict success in the future.

by how many adults my age (as my age progresses, this does not change) have no friendship-building skills. They put all their emotional eggs in one basket, marrying in their 20s, and have no friends as adults, and don't know how to make any. Me, I just kind of pick them up as I go. Recently I developed a friendship with the office manager at my eye doctor's office. She has a weekend cabin near my home and we get together there, and we chat often in between. I don't know how NOT to have friends--I don't get how these people can be so isolated. I have major issues with social discomfort and consider myself an introvert, yet wherever I've gone, I've always had friends. As I get older, I find myself more "vulnerable" to making new friends. It does help that I volunteer, but I didn't always do that.
My young 20ish nieces have lots of friends too. The older one isn't closed to romance but doesn't actively seek it, it's just not important to her. The younger one has a steady boyfriend she met as a foreign exchange student, but she relies on her friends for everyday companionship, as her boyfriend is still in France. He suggested that they move to Canada together, and she wisely decided that she's building a life where she is and doesn't want to uproot and leave a dozen people she loves for the sake of one. She's allowing him to continue visiting and try to persuade her, but the choice will be hers and she won't be coerced. I think both girls are going to do just fine.

I've had a different experience than Psyingle; I don't have a strong desire to make friends, and never really have. I have a best friend and my immediate family and that's really enough for me, even though I don't see some of them that often. I've thought about making more friends, but it's one of those things that I put off as other more important goals/problems arise Apparently not a priority

This difference reflects something I've observed among single people: Some set up close relationships that are similar to marriage, while others are content with regular friendships and the like. Not sure what accounts for the difference. Where you fall on the introvert/extrovert scale? How often and intensely you experience loneliness? Some other factor?

I score very high on introversion on the MBTI, and it's very rare for me to experience loneliness, so perhaps that's why I prefer more limited social contacts.

My neighbor across the street is coming over for crochet night again, it's getting to be a habit. Not even sure how that started, she just shows up with snacks and wine on Friday night and we work on our projects and talk long into the night.

As the new season of DVDs is released and I catch up on last year's TV shows, I see the theme repeated about people who "resist" romance and "don't they want to be happy?" As if a romantic relationship with one other person was the only possible path to happiness. On an otherwise trashily oversexed show, Grey's Anatomy offers one refreshing exception--the friendship between Meredith and Cristina, and the way they call each other "their person." It started with Cristina needing an emergency contact, and they built on that theme of having your go-to person, who is not necessarily your romantic partner. Entertainment can manipulate the way we think, and it's important to recognize what's being sold to us, even as we sit back and enjoy the stories. I've started some new series and I recognize the formula now, the obligatory romances in The Newsroom and whatnot, they're supposed to drive the stories but are more white noise to me at this point. Sexual tension can be good for a story, but so can themes of friendship, loyalty, and heroism.
I wonder if the lack of adult friendship skills we see in the media reflects the world the writers live in rather than the one they're trying to sell.

different take on this whole issue. I was good at friendship at age 20 and still am now (aged 41); likewise, I was not in a romantic relationship at 20 and I'm not in one now (my intimate relationships have, on the whole, been rather brief and ultimately unsatisfying experiences). But here's where I run into difficulty: a lot of my friends did go the traditional route-marriage, babies, etc- and often I don't see them for long stretches at a time because they are busy in Marriageland. I am pretty good at gathering new acquaintances (even though, like Alan, I consider myself an introvert) and I do have some single friends my age and older. The thing is, I am one of those people who believes that friendships only grow if you actually DO things together and create memories, and often I will meet someone and be interested in being their friend, but eventually the "friendship" just kind of peters out because they are not as interested as me in getting together. I have been a lifelong volunteer and am naturally quite active (love the outdoors especially!). It seems that many other single forty- and fiftysomethings don't find hanging out together appealing or somehow devalue platonic friendship in their search for "love." I didn't have this problem in my twenties. It started in my thirties and now I often feel lonely when I'm not at work. It doesn't help that I have recently relocated to a new city for work and the city is centered on two main populations: college students and young families. Help! I would appreciate anybody's feedback or suggestions. Thanks.

I think that meeting people is difficult, I've heard plenty of anecdotal evidence and some studies that show people are less connected than previously. Which may indicate that being lonely isn't just a problem for singles (and perhaps some marry to avoid that problem).

Right now I'm working on a plan to see if I can get some more social contacts. I'm basing it upon some of my previous experiences socializing, to focus on activities that I think will give me the best chance. While classes work for some people, they haven't for me. Volunteering hasn't either, but then again it may have been the type of volunteering I've done before. I've found that I get on with people better when there's opportunity for quiet conversation and the event isn't longer than 2-3 hours. I prefer groups that are diverse (as opposed to segregation by gender or age) and that allow individual rather than group conversations. I've also found that it's better if I get to talk as well as listen, I'm a great listener but all too often I end up doing only that.

Those are some of my experiences. I'd advise that you look at how various attempts at socializing have worked out for you, and see which situations were better or worse. Then use that data to find activities for socializing that will work for you. Lots of online resources out there like Meetup and such. It may be more difficult based on where you are. I'm fortunate to live near both my dad and best friend. But of course I too would like to expand my social circle.

Most of the new friends I've made are married and they're tired of being exclusively in Marriageland. I know exactly what you're talking about, callgirl, I just hate that, and I also hate women who get married and then forget about all their friends and all the things they used to do to contribute to the community, it's like they died!
I find it much easier to make friends with women who are married and want an escape from home life than single women who want to get together, with the possible exception of my bunch of widowed senior friends who take me to movies as their token "red-hatless." I prefer getting together one on one to big groups, though.
I finally made a single friend across the street who cares for her mother in her home and comes over to get away once in a while. It seems the singles who live alone don't need to get away, and everyone flocks to our house. >: )

Posted on another article but am using my internet name this time. I'm pretty introverted as far as activities go (would rather stay home and read a book or watch documentaries) but when I do go out, I'd enjoy going out with people, maybe to a movie once a year (films I want to see don't come out very often), out for coffee. I don't go to movies often because there's not a lot I'm interested in. The only time I went to the theater was when Harry Potter, Potter, Hunger Games, Lord of the Rings and the Hobbit series. Would love to go to living-history museums though. Trouble is, I live in a college town with either students or families. I tried a crocheting group but it was filled with old ladies, and I live in an apartment building with elderly and with physically/mentally disabled folks (the physical I don't mind, the mental I do!) Everyone around me is married with a family of their own, and yes they drop their single friends, but more often than not, I notice their friends consist of married parents just like them. So they're in this club while I'm excluded and told to get my own club. I asked a married friend of mine to be the the emergency contact for a bike event I was doing and she freaked out and told me how inappropriate I was for even asking. So where I live everyone takes the traditional route. I even offered to do things with their families, just when those things interested me, of course, which wouldn't be often. They refused, probably because I wasn't part of the family. I did have a single friend in college and we'd have a weekly coffee "date." That was fun. She works in a ballet company now out of state and I went to conservatory with her. I don't party or drink, even socially, and I don't smoke either. So I'm called a prude for living a clean lifestyle, but I like my prudish life. I appear extraverted but actually am quite low-maintenance because I hardly desire to go out often. I'm also a lesbian but the dating scene isn't for me. The fact that you go on an outing with a stranger and it's called a "date", then when you go to the same event with your family it's called "going to dinner/movies" turns me off. Same places, different people, so why the need to call what you're doing different things? Plus I don't want the implied expectations of exclusivity or reciprocation associated with dating. I had a close female friend in college (she was a percussionist) and we'd do homework together or talk for hours. She's moved across the country with her husband now. I had a male artist friend and we'd talk on the phone as he was doing artwork. He's moved away also. The other part of my town consists of eccentric Pagans with drum-&-dance circles, but they don't interest me, personality or activity-wise. It's funny when people suggest dating and the committment (or lack thereof) it implies. You can make friends and still be committed to your friends even if there's no exclusive contract to do so, and even if you don't sign one, you're not seen as immature. Yet if you're "dating", whatever that means, you're either committed or you're playing the field. How strange.

So friendship might have a corrolation in the workplace, but it's also a matter of where you live and who's around you. I tried going out with coworkers but they enjoyed social drinking. It'd be nice to meet people who weren't into that sort of thing. I only have 2 friends who don't drink (they're both into fitness as I am) but they're married with kids, so that's out by their own definition.

Friendship is a fascinating topic, and it's been explored in various ways before on this site. This survey throws up some interesting findings, none of which surprise me. I've been mostly single and, like callgirl, notice that after 30, some of my girlfriends disappeared into Marriageland and I didn't see that much of them anymore. We went from being roommates who shopped, gardened, did activities, held parties together to meeting a couple of times a week for dinner or drinks or a walk in the park, to meeting every other week for coffee (night-time dates were reserved for BF or hubby), to finally - now that they have kids - getting invited around once a month for a family lunch. Some of them still make an effort, but they're the exception and not the rule. I accept that they're busy and have lots of commitments, but it made me sad at the time that I had been pushed to the outside of their circle. I'm used to it now.

I've recently started dating someone and all of my friends and family ask "Is this it?" "Is he the one?". I find it so claustrophobic to think that I should base all my future happiness on being in a romantic relationship. I'm also wondering if there's something 'wrong' with me because I don't feel like all those dumb love songs (maybe I'm single at heart!). I don't feel sick or distracted or unable to keep away from him; I like spending time with him but also being on my own, waking walks and pottering around the house or singing out loud to trashy songs if I feel like it. I like him and respect him and he makes me laugh, but I also feel like that about a lot of my platonic friends (don't get me wrong, there's also a physical attraction that's different from my platonic friendships). I thought to myself, this relationship is like a really great friendshop with sex, but it's not a hundred times "better" than a friendship, yet there are a hundred (or a million) times as many songs and movies about finding romantic love as there are about finding a reallly good friend. Can you imagine if women's magazines started publishing articles like "How to snag a new best friend in three easy steps!", "Cute outfits for first friendship dates", "Be the girl everyone wants to be friends with!". Or if there were a movie called "When Sally met Molly" about platonic female friendship.