Struggles and dysfunction don’t have to define us – they can even drive us to create and live fuller lives. Let’s journey together~

Hey there! I have been taking a break for the past three weeks. Not a break really, it’s more of a working vacay. I am taking an eight week course with The Blog Maven, Jeni Elliot, to learn to “blog smarter”. We just completed week 3.

I have learned so much and am making so many changes because of you!

I want to know how to connect with you better, dear Reader. I want my blog to be about you. How I can serve you.

I have learned a lot and have already made changes. I will be making more over the next few months and tweaking along the way…always tweaking.

I wanted to let you know, I’ll be back!

I’ll be better.

I’m learning to blog smarter.

Let me know what’s going on in your life, the good, the bad and everything in-between.

Do you ever find yourself in a holding place? I am in one now. A holding place is like being in limbo, but with a purpose.

God’s purpose.

Just so we’re clear, I’m not always fond of this holding place, nor, do I imagine, are you.

We’re on Facebook and Instagram, right? We can see the updates: “I’m on a mini-vacay with the hubs. We’re poolside, watching the waves as they rush to shore.” And “Having the best weekend EVER! #goodtimes, #friends, #♥myfamily!

The holding place can be lonely. It can appear like the most desolate place on the face of the earth.

It can, but it’s not.

This is the place that God has chosen for me and I think, if you look around, you will notice He put you there as well.

This is the place where He is teaching us what it means to feel alone but know He will never leave nor forsake us.

I recently heard the word”forsake” in this context means drop.

God will never drop us!

This is a comforting thought. He lovingly arranged this time for a reason, to prepare us for the purpose He has for each of us.

It’s all been a training ground. I didn’t always learn the lessons or see the point in the circumstances or events that came my way. It’s kind of hard to, until we find ourselves in another time of messiness, which only meant that He was moving us forward, closer to this holding place.

I once thought of this time as a punishment of sorts, for NOT being aware enough or astute enough to learn the lessons life was doling out.

But I was wrong.

We are being groomed and prepared for this time.

God has to have confidence in who we think we are before He allows us to be in this pattern of waiting on Him, otherwise we might view it as just another struggle.

It can seem lonely in this place, waiting, hoping and holding on, but once you realize we’re there for a reason-to fulfill His purpose in our lives-then all the status updates in the world won’t matter a bit.

If we could only embrace this time for what it truly is; a time for the Father to hold us protectively in His arms because we have been through so very much. He is there to allow us the time we need to grieve all the losses experienced.

There is a keen correlation between addiction and being self-ware. Did you know this?

I have gleaned tidbits that add up to this correlation while listening to addiction specialists and talking with addicts and family members of addicts. Add that to the fact that I have lived with loved ones who are/were addicted all my life, well, it’s starting to make sense. I can now see the relationship between the two.

I’ve been driven to compulsive behaviors myself, knowing that I was feeling something, wanting something, but not being able to identify what that “something” was.

Does this sound familiar to you?

It often feels like I’m missing out on something, especially when I hear certain songs from the past. It’s funny how music can do that to us. Discontentment and restlessness are two words to describe the feelings I often have with such an intense longing for something I can’t identify.

Do you ever feel like this?

This is true with addicts. That’s where the cycle begins, in the onset anyway. Those feelings, the desires, the longings and yearnings; they are very real, but the addict just isn’t in-tune enough with their emotions to know what those feelings mean.

Let’s be honest, they probably don’t have the skill set that it takes to get to the root of the issues. Not alone, anyway.

But that is the key…getting to the root of the issue.

I know the feeling. Why do I suddenly go pig out on things I know are unhealthy for me and will only pack on the pounds? What am I feeling during those times? I am aware enough to know I’m feeling something, but not aware enough to identify what it is.

Unless I’m brave enough to explore. Maybe not alone. Maybe with a trusted friend, because we were never meant to do life alone.

Why does the alcoholic initially grab that first drink? What sends the heroin user to go for the rush of feeling the substance entering their systems? What sends those who get their fix by shopping, running to the mall?

They all have one thing in common, those initial feelings of discontent.

Restlessness.

Loneliness.

Sadness.

Whatever the feeling is…it is the beginning… in the beginning.

And if you’re a true addict, you just keep doing whatever it is that numbed the pain… in the beginning.

Until we as individuals (and as a society), get to the root of the unmet needs, we will always be a society that is addicted.

And we are the most addicted generation that has ever lived. EVER!

Addiction is a disease. It is a dis-ease with who we are and how we feel.

Jesus said in the Gospels that we would always have the sick with us. I’m not naive enough to think that we can wipe out all addiction, but wouldn’t it be a start if we could become a people who are more comfortable, more in-tune with our emotions, to the point of being able to identify them so we would have the opportunity to meet them in appropriate fashion instead of with compulsive behaviors that only briefly satisfy…until the shame kicks in and fills us with pain so unbearable we are driven back to the very activity that started the cycle?

Because in the end, when all is said and done, all we are really left with is untold damage to the people we love (including ourselves) and the relationships we value.

Because what we think we want is often only a substitute for what we really need.

I’m late to the game. I usually am, which is really kind of weird for me because I’m actually a very punctual person. Being early is good. Being on time is late, and being late? Well that’s not happening in my life! Just ask my kids~

But here’s the deal…I want to be Dr. Brene’ Brown. I recently heard of TED Talks. Someone mentioned Brene’ Brown’s YouTube vid from TED Talk, so I Googled it!

In case you don’t know what TED Talk is: it’s a nonpartisan non-profit devoted to spreading ideas, usually in the form of short, powerful talks. TED began in 1984 (I’m so late) as a conference where Technology, Entertainment and Design converged, and today covers almost all topics–from science to business to global issues–in more than 110 languages.

According to her website, BreneBrown.com, she is a research professor (Researcher+Storyteller) at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work. She has spent the past thirteen years studying vulnerability, courage, worthiness, and shame.

She put into words so many things that have been tumbling around in my head.

But here’s the real deal, I don’t really want to be Brene’ Brown. I want to be me, thanks, in part to what I have heard her say and what I’ve read, but mostly, because of God and the power He has to take things meant for harm and turn them around for good.

I’ve never really wanted to just be me before but that’s another topic. I’m getting ahead of myself~

November 4, 2015 was a pivotal day in my life. Perhaps it was the most pivotal day of all. Not only was it the day of my dear friend Jan’s burial, but another important event took place in my life that day. One that most people don’t even know about.

There are a handful of close family and friends that do know about it. Most who do, don’t really get it. They can’t. Truthfully, it’s taken me this long to begin to understand the impact of exactly what that day meant in my life.

The information that Dr. Brene’ Brown shares has helped me to begin to form actual words for the emotions, thoughts and experiences that I have had since November 4, 2015, and all the days leading up to that date.

Brene’ Brown says some may call it a breakdown, the things she learned and experienced after her research on the subjects of shame, vulnerability, worthiness, connection and courage, but she has come to see it as a spiritual awakening.

Me too, Brene, me too…

I have had a breakdown spiritual awakening myself.

For this post I will leave it at that, but I’ll throw these five gems in for good measure.

Love is like a 401k. I heard something like that as I was listening to a podcast. I was listening to Chip Ingram, so I’m not totally sure he said that verbatim, however, I started thinking along those lines anyway.

Love is like a 401k because a 401k allows you to have money that you earn taken out of your check and deposited into an account for the future…YOUR future. It’s for retirement, which may seem like a long time into the future but has a way of sneaking up on you.

Now don’t get me wrong, deciding to allow money to be taken from your paycheck isn’t an easy thing to do for a lot of people. The reason for that is obvious; the money you are putting away is for when you are old, many, MANY years into the future, but the problem? The problem is you need the money now.

Therein lies the rub.

Therein lies the likeness.

When you are in a relationship, especially a marriage, you are (in theory) making deposits into your relationship that you may not get the benefits from for years to come. Who knows, maybe never? But if you care about your future, and if you’re smart, really smart, you will discipline yourself to set aside the money to prepare for your future.

Likewise, if you’re smart, really, really smart, you will make those love deposits everyday, with the end result in mind, a future with a solid foundation in tack, knowing that you will have a partner for life, even when you’re old.

But what is a “love deposit”?

I heard this on 7th Heaven the other day (my daughter is having a 7th Heaven marathon!). “When you get married, you’re promising to take care of your partner for the rest of your life, to love them and to be there for them always.”

Well said.

That pretty much sums it up.

Unless it doesn’t…the average marriage lasts 3.5 years these days. Maybe the reason is they don’t get that love is like a 401k?

You keep making those deposits into your marriage regardless of how you feel, or whatever you spouse may or may not have done, whether they are making deposits, or even get that love is like a 401k.

Of course, this doesn’t mean if you are in an abusive, dysfunctional relationship you can even begin to treat your marriage like a 401k.

But if there is no crazy thinking, crazy acting, crazy stuff going on and you are in a healthy marriage, then it’s so important to see your marriage as a 401K.

My daughter was watching an old episode of 7th Heaven a few days ago and I was sucked in. Some things never change. I can’t resist 7th Heaven even to this day, although, thanks to my daughter, I’ve seen many episodes multiple times.

This particular episode was when the Camdens decided to join the modern world and get Ruthie a cell phone, and themselves phones as well.

I chuckled at the antics of the newbie cell phone usage and heard myself saying, “Who does that?” And “Nobody does that”. And then it hit me.

It was an exaggerated form of cell phone usage, but true on many levels, just like most television shows are, only now, it’s such a part of our culture that we no longer notice.

Cell phones are as common as air these days. No one thinks of it. We just use them. I remember when it wasn’t a given that someone had a cell phone. Not so today.

Don’t get me wrong, cell phones are great! So great that I decided to make a list of the things that cell phones have made better in our lives.

Cell phones have given us the ability to get in touch with anyone we want (as long as we know their numbers) at any time we want.

Cell phones has brought parenting to a whole new level. We have the ability to parent from afar.

Cell phones has brought parenting to a whole new level. Our relationships with our kids are long-distance.

Cell phones has allowed us to have long-distance relationships with anyone.

Cell phones have given us an excuse to have long-distance relationships when we could have face-to-face.

Cell phones have allowed us to spend more time playing the games we could only play at home on our computers.

Cell phones have allowed us to take our addictions with us. Yeah, we’re going there.

Cell phones have increased the porn industry by leaps and bounds.

Cell phones have given us false courage. We can text instead of having face-to-face to settle a conflict instead of shooting off a bunch of inappropriate texts.

Cell phones have given us the ability to have affairs or secret relationships.

Cell phones have given us the ability to keep up with the news, keep up with sports and…AND keep up with the Jones as we look at what is going on in their lives, comparing their outsides to our insides and become even more unsatisfied with our lives than ever before.

Yeah, we’ve come a long way, baby. Cell phones are a very good thing for our society as a whole. It was an invention of ingenuity, yet it has enabled us to feed our me-focused world. We can take selfies CONSTANTLY, and post them on all the social media platforms or just that special one we choose. We can spend hours playing with those selfies, making them look funny, cute, silly, scary, sexy or however we want them to look.

I’m not anti-cell phone. I’m really not!

I am pro intentional about our lives. We only get one.

How have cell phones affected your life?

Disclaimer: I actually the wonderful world of technology for the photo in this post. 🙂

Words are an interesting thing. The sermons have been about words the last two weeks at the church I attend. Words are so very important.

The Bible speaks of words often. God created the earth and heaven with words. He spoke all of this into existence and it still stands today by the power of the words He spoke. We are created in His image, with the power to create with our words.

Life and death are in the power of the tongue. We can speak words of life or death. It’s up to us the words we speak. Well, sort of…

The Bible also tells us that our mouths naturally speak whatever is in our hearts. That explains a lot.

You can act as nice as you want, or pretend you aren’t bothered by anything but when something goes a wee bit awry, things come out of your mouth that oftentimes leaves even the one who spoke them in a bit of shock.

That’s because we let our guards down and whatever is in there, truly deep-down inside, it comes spewing out. Some people call this a need for anger management.

I think it is more of a heart issue.

I really didn’t intend to write about this subject when I sat down to write, but there it is. I am a firm believer in the power of being positive…positive thinking and speaking. It takes just as much energy to be positive as it does to be negative. So there’s that…But there’s more to it than just saying a bunch of words and thinking you believe them.

Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. It has to be in your heart. It really doesn’t matter how many positive and affirmative things you speak, if it’s not in your heart then it’s not what you think or believe and if that’s the case, then it doesn’t really matter what comes out of your mouth.

Except it does.

Words have power regardless. They just do. They can pack a punch that can leave you in a puddle of emotions for days, if you let them.

Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me.

Not true!

Words can hurt the worse.

Words truly do tell the story of what’s inside of your heart.

And that’s the whole point…what’s inside your heart. That’s who you are.

Once we understand that, then perhaps the world will be a better place.

Many of us live with so much shame. Most of the time we don’t even know that we are.

Shame is a crafty thing.

Have you gone through something that you didn’t ask for, nor ever wanted or even planned on? The feelings that are connected with that can be so overwhelming, and often the underlying emotion is shame, and we don’t even pick up on that.

Shame is tied into who we think we are.

But wait…it has been said that we aren’t who we think we are. We’re not even who others think we are. We are who we think others think we are.

And oftentimes that comes with a boat load of shame~

We need a Higher Power. For me that is God, the Father and Creator of all that our eyes can see and even the things we can’t see.

But here’s the deal…if I really believed that this Almighty God is truly my Higher Power, then I wouldn’t feel the shame I feel. Right?

Have you ever spent time just thinking about how much you are loved by the Father? It doesn’t depend on what we do or haven’t done, it only depends on who He is.

There are a few phrases that have been bouncing around in my head for that last couple of days. The first one I heard in a message by Kyle Idleman, teaching pastor at Southeast Christian Church. He said “We believe in the reality of the cross and we believe in the reality of our sin.” They sort of go hand in hand. We wouldn’t need the reality of the cross if we didn’t get the reality of our sin.

I haven’t majored much in reality throughout my life. I majored in hope and positive thinking. It’s hard to look past those two things and catch a glimpse of reality.

There seems to be a fine line between faith and reality.

The second phrase came from a song: “It was my death He died.” That line gets me every time. Six words. So much truth and so much power.

The reason? So you and I wouldn’t have to live with so much shame.

Letting go is an incredibly hard thing to do. That includes letting go of shame.

To let go of shame means looking past the lies of who we believe others think we are and seeing who we really are. Who God thinks we are.

And that is all that really matters.

The third phrase is this: Letting go of so much shame and embracing a God who loves us and cherishes us; a God who thinks we are significant and important, is an act that will change our lives forever.

It will change not only who we think we are but it will change our realities.

Exchanging the old for the new, according to what I’ve just written would mean letting go of so much shame.

Have you ever heard the term date yourself? Yeah, me either, until a few days ago. But then again, maybe I have, because the concept is the same as self-care.

So how do you date yourself?

Why would you even want to date yourself?

It was explained to me by a women, friend and counselor who found herself in the middle of a dysfunctional marriage about twenty-five years ago. She had been in the marriage when the reality of the situation hit her smack in the face.

Funny how reality has a way of getting redefined when we are called upon to make changes we don’t want to make.

She told me she actually filed for a divorce four different times! Her husband kept “changing” and she really didn’t have firm boundaries or a support system in place to assist her in making this difficult decision based on what was best for her, the marriage and ultimately her husband.

The divorce became final after the fourth time she filed and that’s when her date yourself plan was put into place. She was young when she got married that first time. She was young when she divorced, and like many young women who have codependent personally traits, she didn’t know who she really was.

The date yourself plan was a way to find out what she liked, didn’t like and who she was deep down, not who she could become depending on the people she was close to at the time.

She told me she went into a Baskin Robbins ice cream parlor. She asked the employee how much it would cost to taste all 32 flavors…well, make that 31. She really didn’t want to try bubble gum. The girl who was working obliged and they actually had a really good time since the store wasn’t busy.

When the employee asked her why she wanted to try every flavor she responded that she was newly divorced and trying to find out who she was. “I am dating myself”, she explained.

She then decided to go to see a movie all by herself. She even bought some popcorn and a drink! She did that a few times trying to discover what she really liked in a movie.

The last thing on her list was to go to an upscale restaurant by herself. She made a reservation, picked up a favorite magazine and even asked to be seated in the middle of the room instead of the quiet corner the hostess had first led her to.

I think her plan to date herself worked out for the best. Many of her friends thought it kind of a strange thing to do, especially when she told them she wasn’t dating (men) for at least a year.

My friend has now been married to a wonderful man for twenty years. She couldn’t be happier, she delights in telling everyone.

Her plan to date herself definitely worked for her.

Would you consider dating yourself? What are some things you would choose to do?