Me: “Fantastic. I need you to call my mother about that. We’ve contacted you a number of times to dispute the charges, and each time I talked to your representative about changing both the address and phone number on my file to hers. I’ve authorized her at least half a dozen times to answer all billing and service related questions.”

Caller: “Ma’am, we’re not authorized. You have to be the one—”

Me: “I just explained to you that you ARE authorized to call her.”

Caller: “Oh, right. I see her on your account. Is she [her name]?”

Me: “Yes.”

Caller: “Well, in that case, you’re going to have to have her call us. As she is not authorized on the account, I cannot copy her phone number into your file.”

Me: “Why can’t I give you her phone number right now so that you can call her? I assure you she’s authorized. I understand that your department loses every piece of paper we’ve sent you in regards to this account, but I’m telling you right now, over the phone, that you CAN call her and that she CAN answer your questions. She’s also made it clear that she will not call you again, as her calls never accomplish anything and messages are never unreturned.”

Caller: “Okay. Well, ma’am, that’s all fine, so please just have her call us.”