I have struggled my whole life with making real girl-friendships. It's not that I didn't have friends who were girls (and I wasn't attracted to them), but it was always easier for me to relate to guys.

This was partially because I hung out with my brothers a lot, and partially because we moved every three years of my childhood. I lost the ability to plant roots into real girl-friendshipness. I instead developed the ability to put on a mask to gain friends, but I never felt like I was being the Real Laurie.

With my girlfriend in college, I felt I could be my raw, crazy, sometimes-angry, often sad self. And I could be.

And maybe that was the Realest Laurie I could be at the time. But it wasn't the one God created me to be.

This was NOT just because I was in a physical, emotional relationship with another woman. It's because the colors with which my personality painted the world were so dark. So sad. So sarcastic.

I cussed; I raged at the church; I cried a lot. I still felt empty inside. This woman met some emotional, physical, spiritual needs, but I still felt empty.

After learning that Christ could fill that deepest part of me (see previous posts), I sought healthy female friendships. I knew I needed them in order to be a healthy human.

But how can I do it? I'm not going to perfectly get this right. I'm awkward. I'm not normal.

I'm not going to lie. I've had some bumps in the road when it comes to friendships. I've sought out Christian girls, and upon hearing my story/struggle, they completely rejected me.

However, I have found some amazing women who have loved me in and through my ugliest moments.

Here, my dear friend, are a few of the lessons I've learned in making friendships over the last several years:

1. Pray that God would direct you to the right friends. God cares. I know it seems like there are droughts, disasters, and starving children in Africa He should focus on, but He's God. He can do more than one thing at the same time.

2. Break up with unhealthy friends. If you are in a circle that you sense is not healthy for you (i.e. encouraging you to make bad choices), you are allowed to "break up" with them. Even if your'e not in a physical relationship with any of them, you can still pull away. Start saying, "I've got something going on," during your normal hang out times...even if that "something" is a date with you and a good movie. You're not lying. You're choosing health.

3. Take your time to tell old or new friends your real story and struggle. I know it doesn't seem fair that other people can talk about their boyfriends, and their "normal" sin issues all willy-nilly, whereas you have to keep your mouth shut. Truly, it isn't fair. (This is why I write this blog!) Some day, Lord willing, that will change. However, homosexuality can be a sensitive issue for some people. Why? Maybe they secretly struggle. Maybe they think it's only an issue about sex. Maybe the Enemy "prowls around like a roaring lion," hates your guts, and wants to keep you silently living in shame so he encourages people to hate you.

No matter the reason, make sure you have taken the time to really allow the other person to get to know other parts of your personality, likes/dislikes, and other struggles before you share this part of your heart.

You are too much of a treasure to quickly risk getting your spirit trampled.

4. Don't become close friends with people toward whom you are attracted. It's simply too hard on you. Sometimes, you cannot explain your attraction, but you know that a close friendship with that person wouldn't be wise.

It's possible that that person might pursue you hardcore to become your friend. And that might feel great. But please take care of yourself, and ask God for strength to withstand the temptation. Ask Him to send the right friends your direction.

5. Don't put all your hopes in one person. Let's be honest. Those of us who struggle with same-sex attraction/lust can tend toward trying to make one person in our life our whole world. This is called co-dependency. Allow yourself multiple friendships. Be thankful for some friends who meet one group of needs, and another friend who meets a few more. I know, I know, I know that this is not easy. But whenever you find yourself trying to make one person your idol--your everything--stop. Take a breather. And go back to the King:

God, what is really going on with me to make me want to make this person number one in my life?

I promise you, He will show you.

And I promise you, He cares about your friendships. He doesn't want you to be alone. He created us--all of us broken folks-- for community.

How vulnerability heals9.6.16Sometimes, doing the thing we want to do the least is the thing that will heal us the most.​Inviting Jesus into anxiety8.26.16Fear has felt out-of-control after having a baby; inviting Jesus into it (even if he doesn't fix it) helps

A new identity​8.11.16Matt writes about a friend's affairs before and after coming to Christ--and how his identity was affected.