insecurity

Most of my life I’ve struggled with confidence and I hear the same from other INFJs. Over the years I’ve watched people who appeared confident and worked to figure out what makes them tick. What I finally realized is that self-assurance isn’t some kind of inborn magic that only a lucky few have. It’s a specific mind set, a perspective that anyone can learn.

Here are 3 steps that will help start you on the path to confidence:

1. Stop worrying about what other people think of you

Self-consciousness, worrying about what others will think, is an instant confidence drainer. People who are confident don’t stress if they’re under-dressed for a party or if people don’t agree with them. Confident people own who they are and don’t care if they’re different. They don’t get upset every time they goof up and if someone doesn’t like them they don’t agonize over it, they just shrug and move on.

2. Be yourself

Imagine a shy person at a party, shrinking back in a corner, obviously worried that no one will talk to them. Now imagine that person sitting comfortably in that same corner, but they are relaxed and are enjoying just sitting quietly and watching the activities around them. The first person is clearly insecure and anxious, the second comes across as relaxed and confident. The difference between the two is that the second person accepts their quietness and just enjoys their experience of the party, the first resists who they naturally are and thinks they should be different.

It’s interesting, once we really step in to our natural preferences, they stop feeling like problems and simply become facets of our personality. Once I embraced the fact that I remember experiences rather than facts, I was no longer embarrassed that I forgot details and started enjoying my ability to replay the feeling of a sunny day or the joy expressed by the bride at her wedding.

3. Focus on living a rich life rather than impressing others

You want to be beautiful/handsome, interesting, exciting and magnetic? The good news is that you have everything you need to be all those things. Beauty? It’s found in a relaxed smile, enthusiasm and personal style (think of the charismatic appeal of Adrian Brody, who’s exuberant personality makes him attractive, crooked nose and all). You want to be interesting and exciting? You’re both when you’re discussing areas that are obviously fascinating to you, areas that you’ve explored and spent time delving into (check out the engaging and compelling Benjamin Zander on TED. I don’t care a thing about piano playing but I was riveted when I saw this little talk).

Sure, there are people who are born with confidence. They don’t struggle like we do with shyness and insecurity. But confidence is less about personality and more about self-acceptance. People who are confident aren’t focused on their flaws, they’re focused on living life. Rather than asking “Will this person like me?” they ask “What’s this person like?” When they make a faux pax they apologize and move on. They enjoy who they are, idiosyncracies and all, because they know that their uniqueness is what makes them special.

Like this:

When is the last time you heard an extrovert talk about how they wished they could be more introverted? How they would like to start taking more time to think before they talk, or be able to just sit quietly at a party and enjoy watching the activity?

Probably never. You’re more likely to hear the reverse: introverts want to be more extroverted, more outgoing, more comfortable in social situations. When this happens, when introverts focus on what they don’t have they end up ignoring the qualities they do have.

We Create Our Own Experience

Introverts often equate sitting alone at a party with being unpopular, but that’s only one way of looking at it. If you slouch in a corner looking like a loser, sure, your demeanor will telegraph exactly that. Your anxious face will shout your innermost thoughts to the crowd: “I have no friends!” As a result – you guessed it – no one will want to talk to you.

Now imagine yourself at that same party, sitting in that same corner, but this time you’re calm and interested in what’s going on around you. You don’t feel like a loser because you aren’t – you have friends, they just aren’t with you at the moment. You realize that you can talk to people if you want to but you don’t have to, you know that you can leave any time you want.

Feels different, doesn’t it? Now you’re sitting by yourself because you choose to.

You Are Not a Non-Extrovert

INFJ’s can get in the trap of defining who we are by comparing ourselves to our opposites. We view our introversion as a lack of extroversion, we see our preference for dealing with our inner world as being inattentive. We can believe that our emotionality makes us seem less intelligent, and that our preference for organization is an imposition on those who are more spontaneous and fun.

We need to turn that around. We need to take the view that our quietness gives us a lovely depth of thought and creates calm in our environment. And our ability to read between the lines is a perfect complement to analytical thought. We need to value the fact that our orderly lives enable us to help our less organized family and friends.

And, the one I like best, our tender hearts are devoted to bringing peace and love into the world – what could be more important than that?

Exercise: Interview With an INFJ

INFJs, in their desire to for harmony, can ignore or not even recognize their preferences. In addition they can end up discounting their strengths and skills and focus on what others can do that they can’t. The following exercise is designed to help you explore and embrace your unique likes and dislikes and better understand your strengths.

Directions: This exercise is designed to identify your preferences and strengths, so leave negativity and self-pity (yep, I said it – self-pity!) at the door. Your answers should be positive declarations (e.g. “I love candy” as opposed to “I eat too many sweets.”)

What is your favorite time of the day?

What time do you like to go to bed at night and get up in the morning?

What are your top three skills?

What kind of humor do you like? Quirky? Slapstick? Dirty?

What is your favorite way to relax?

What are you smartest about?

Who is your favorite person to go to when you need help?

Who comes to you for help?

What’s the most difficult thing you’ve ever done? What skills did it take to do it? How did you feel afterwards?

What kind of books do you like?

How would you dress if you had an unlimited budget?

What is your favorite type of movie?

What are your favorite foods?

What pastimes do you enjoy? (e.g. cooking, writing, dancing)

What are the three most important things you’ve learned in the past year?

What would your friends say that they love about you?

What do you love about yourself?

What are you most proud of in your life?

When are you most yourself?

What challenge are you facing in your life right now?

What else? Add your ideas in the comments section!

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What can you add? What have you learned about viewing yourself as whole? Are there any books or articles on the subject that you can recommend?

Like this:

I am an introvert. And, until I started my own business, I usually avoided groups of people I didn’t know. That changed, however, when I realized that the best place to make new contacts is networking meetings and mixers. I found that all it took was a shift in my perspective to make networking events not only easy but fun (yes, fun!).

To make the most of networking events:

#1 RelaxMost people are at networking meetings and mixers for the same reason you are – to make new contacts and build their business. Unlike parties, where people often cluster in groups that can be intimidating to break into, at networking functions people tend to mix and chat in smaller groups. Still, walking into a room of strangers can be intimidating.

Some key things to remember :

Keep things in perspective – you have nothing to lose. At worst you’ll waste a couple of hours, but you could end up meeting someone who’ll contribute to your success.

No one is focused on you, and no one will notice if you stand alone for a few minutes. And if you do stand alone and look pleasant, it’s very likely that someone will come up and talk to you.

It doesn’t really matter if there’s someone you don’t click with. We sometimes worry that others won’t like us, but if they don’t, so what? Just move on and find someone you have more in common with.

And, finally, remember, you can leave any time you want!

#2 Focus on connecting with people rather than selling themI’ve met people at networking functions who instantly launched into an obviously memorized long-winded sales pitch for their product or service. Not only was I turned off, but I also didn’t want to recommend them to anyone else and subject others to their pitch.The best use of networking meetings is to connect with other business people who can refer potential clients to you. I’m not saying that you can’t gain clients from these functions, but I am saying that you’ll only get clients if people feel a connection to you, and for that to happen they have to get to know you a bit, and not just hear about your product. Plus, it’s a lot more fun!

#3 Be preparedCreate a short (2-3 sentence) introduction that summarizes the benefits of your service and practice it until it’s easy to remember. At informal events you can use your introduction to describe your business as you meet people. At more structured groups you may be expected to stand up and introduce yourself – if you’re prepared it’s quick and painless. It’s also helpful to write up a list of the benefits of your product and practice saying them before the meeting.

#4 Avoid overwhelmAt the first few networking meetings I went to I felt that every two minutes I was getting information I needed to act on or invitations to participate in other events, classes, or groups. I would get so overwhelmed that I was exhausted by the end of the event, and my automatic answer for all invitations became “No”.

To head off overwhelm, plan to “unpack” the event in a day or two when you have more time. At the event simply tuck business cards and brochures into your bag or folder and make notes about items you want to follow up on. This takes the immediate pressure off and gives you time to recover before trying to process everything. I also make it a rule to never accept or refuse an invitation at a networking event. I simply respond with a pleasant “May I get back to you in the next couple of days?” This gives me time to consider the invitation outside of the pressure of the meeting.

Networking events are great place to practice extroverting, and the more I attended the easier and more enjoyable they got. The trick is to take the pressure off yourself and don’t worry about impressing or selling, just connect with others and enjoy yourself.

Like this:

We’re all familiar with our Discomfort Zone. It’s where we’re stretched, where we’re pushing our edges. Just the thought of traveling there can make us fearful, and many of us work hard to avoid it. We try to protect ourselves with a list of ”I don’ts” – “I don’t drive in the city”, “I don’t make speeches”, “I don’t go to funerals”, or simply, “I don’t know how.”

It’s pretty easy to spot the folks who make a habit of avoiding their Discomfort Zones. It’s the guy who hates his job but won’t look for a new one. Or the person who ignores a medical issue. Or the woman who refuses to go to social events for her husband’s work, leaving him to make excuses for her.

If we go through life dodging our Discomfort Zone our lives get smaller and even, in some cases, shorter. There are things we need to do to take care of ourselves and manage our lives –going to the doctor when we have those mysterious symptoms, or weathering the stress of interviewing for jobs when we’re out of work. And there are things we want to do that might require some discomfort – learning a new skill or visiting a foreign country.

The trick to conquering our Discomfort Zone is to simply go there and stay – not forever, not beyond our limits, but long enough to move past our fears and learn what’s there to learn. I’ve found the more often I go into my Discomfort Zone the easier it gets. The feeling of “I’ll die if I have to do this” fades and I gain confidence as I move into the experience.

It gets easier because much of what we believe about our Discomfort Zone is fiction. We dream up exaggerated disaster scenarios – the crowd dissolving into laughter as we make our speech, hysteria at the funeral, getting lost forever in the city. And, fearing we won’t be able to control what happens, we lose touch with the reality that we are capable of handling difficult situations.

What usually occurs when we venture into our Discomfort Zone is that we do fine. We even may surprise ourselves and discover we’re better than we thought at navigating the city or public speaking. But even if our outcome isn’t perfect, even if we’re uncomfortable at the funeral, or give a speech that’s merely serviceable – we still do ok, and that’s often enough to get through the Discomfort Zone.

What’s important is that we don’t let our fears get in the way of our growth. That we trust in the fact that the Discomfort Zone is only uncomfortable because we make it so.

Like this:

When I was training to be a coach I assisted for a class at my coaching school. On the first day of an endless session where the students practiced and the assistants sat quietly at the back of the room, I got bored. I’d brought a book and without thinking, I asked one of the leaders if I could read during the practice session. Had I thought about it I would have realized that this absolutely wasn’t done – no assistant had ever sat and read during any of the classes I’d attended.

As the leader very kindly explained to me why I couldn’t read during the session, my face burned with shame. For the next two days of class I felt like a fool. I was sure that she’d told the other instructor about my ridiculous question, and I imagined that some of their instructions over the next couple of days were directed at me, just in case I had any other brainless ideas.

I was so embarrassed I almost didn’t tell anyone, but finally I confessed to my coach, Michael.

What was Michael’s response?

“So what?” he said. “You’re human.”

And, just like that my embarrassment and shame evaporated. I realized that although I thought my question was disastrously stupid, the leader probably hadn’t given it much thought. And even if she had, even if she paused and thought, “Here’s a dumb one,” what did it really matter? It’s true she was the class leader but, as Michael would say, so what? We were both there for the same purpose – to help train coaches.

Now when I goof up it leaves a different residue. Sure, I’m still embarrassed, and I still get that flash of “What will they think?” panic. But it quickly fades as I reconnect with the fact my blunder is merely a moment’s lapse of judgment – nothing more. It’s not the first mistake I’ve made and it won’t be the last.

Like this:

Yeah, an extrovert would have a good chuckle at the title of this post – what’s hard about conversations? But most introverts have struggled through the leaden “thunk” of a conversation dropping into uncomfortable silence.

My favorite is when I find myself in casual conversation with another introvert – that pause as we both realize that the other is an introvert and neither of us is going to pick up the reins of the conversation.

But conversations don’t have to be difficult. The trick is to let them happen naturally. Here’s how:

#1 Relax
Most of the time casual conversations aren’t important. You don’t have to make the other person like you, you don’t have to be amazingly witty or charming. You just have to talk a little. That’s all.

#2 Focus on being interested rather than being interesting
No this isn’t another version of “get him to talk about himself.” It’s just it’s more fun when we shift focus from “Oh no, I have to say something” to “Hmmm…look at that job title on his name tag.” Putting our attention on the other person often opens the door to a world of topics.

#3 Broaden your focus
What’s going on around you? Our surroundings always offer a topic of conversation. At a cocktail party? Talk about how you know the hosts. At a conference? Talk about the workshop you attend or ask for recommendations on booths to visit. This is especially useful if you find you don’t have much in common with your conversational partner.

#4 Choose to say nothing
If you don’t have anything to say, or don’t feel like talking, don’t force yourself into conversations. It’s perfectly fine to sit and observe the activity or excuse yourself and move on. We sometimes think that if it’s uncomfortable we have to force our way through it, but, unless it’s important that we hang in there, its ok to just let it go.

What’s most important is that we stick with what’s most comfortable. Rather than trying to copy the conversational style of an extrovert, we need to figure out what feels most natural for us.

Finally, remember this simple rule – you are always your most charming when you are being yourself.

Like this:

I love Facebook and its vast accumulation of in-the-moment thoughts and emotion. As my friend Jenny puts it, Facebook is “the world’s conversation.” News, gossip, events, from the significant to the trivial, flow full force like water from a fire hose. However, as fun as all that activity is, it’s also easy to get lost in that flood of information. Our little voice is one of thousands, and we can end up with hurt feelings if we don’t adjust our expectations.

I’ve found Facebook to be a great place to practice the art of not overreacting. One thing that pushes my buttons is being ignored, and on Facebook being ignored is an everyday occurrence. Our posts get lost in our friends’ rapidly moving news feeds, and, even worse, people we reach out to can literally ignore our requests to connect. I must have sent three friend requests to one poor guy I knew in high school before I realized that every time he received one he was clicking his “Ignore” button. Whoops.

In order to enjoy Facebook we need to let go of expectations and accept our tiny place in the gigantic flow. We’ve got to get comfortable with the fact that we’ll often be invisible, that our posts may not be acknowledged, that our voice will blend into the group’s. We’ve got to learn to accept rejection with grace or at least neutrality, and not make up stories about why someone doesn’t answer us or why they don’t want us in their circle of friends.

Because Facebook can truly be a delight. With Facebook I know I can stay connected with my childhood friend Donna no matter how far away she is. I can watch the blossoming of my second cousin’s three daughters even though I’ve never met them. I can hear what Tim Gunn has to say about Project Runway, and I can see a picture of my daughter’s driveway, covered with snow, a minute after she snaps the photo.

And I get the opportunity to make my own contribution, however small, to the world’s conversation.