Monthly Archives: August 2014

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By this point I am assuming you have read my last installments of this little wedding we had 9 days ago. If you have you know that both were about me crying in wedding dresses. Crying over sample sizes or a lack of paper airplanes. Rest assured, I do not cry in a wedding dress in this story. I do not cry at all. This is about my 24 hour breakfast, lunch, and dinner of a champion bride. (From this point forward I shall refer to myself as “champion bride” because quite frankly after writing about my dramatic breakdowns in dresses, I deserve to refer to myself as such.)

I decided about a week out that I would do some juicing. I may be the only bride in the history that uttered, “After the wedding, I will start working out again.” Since Ben and I started dating, I have gained about 20 pounds. Happiness is a beast for one’s waistline. So the juicing…I decided to start juicing as i didn’t want any type of bloating when I zipped up that dress. I drank 2 juices a day and attempted to avoid a lot of salt or breads. So we get to the rehearsal dinner…but first lets back up.

I get one craving most of the time. One single thing that I crave. When I get a strong craving it is for one thing these days. That one thing is cracklins. I want cracklins in the morning. Cracklins at lunch. Cracklins in the evening. I truly believe I could sustain my life on cracklins alone. I have faced some resistance from my digestive system, but I persevere.

So I walk into my betrothed’s parents house to see this…

Juicing be darned, I was about to chow down on some friend, salty, piggy parts and love every minute of it.

It wasn’t till about midnight that I started begging the universe, “Please let my dress zip. Please let me dress zip.” I woke up and chugged a glass of kale and pineapple juice hoping that it would help. Then I ate two handfuls of cracklins. I was a hopeless champion bride. Hopeless…but the dress zipped and the wedding day forged ahead.

That’s really the whole story. The previous 368 words were really just my ode to a platter of salty, piggy parts called cracklins. You are welcome. If you are a fast reader you can never get the past 3 minutes back, if you’re a slow reader than, I am really sorry about the 10 minutes you can never get back, but there is a lesson in here.

Lesson to champion brides everywhere: Cracklins, contain no calories and are pretty much equivalent to eating celery. They have no affect on belly size…I don’t care what anyone else says. Eat what makes you happy. Your wedding day is all about setting the stage of bliss, and I can’t think of anything more blissful than cracklins.

Stay tuned, super serious post coming soon over at We Three Kids. (please note that as of August 10, 2014 this post is not up yet…this is for you “Linda with an L.” Give me a chance to write it.”

Instead of “congrats” or “best wishes” or “I am so excited for you,” people should say, “Go to the doctor right now and get a perscription of Zoloft.” or “You should consider taking up yoga.” Maybe, “Hope you have a healthy relationship with whiskey.” or even, “You should start juicing today and lose as much weight as possible.”

I figured wedding dress shopping would be fun. I expected not to be able zip them up. What I didn’t expect was that a size 6 is a size 0 in jeans and they are made for pre-pubescent girls. When getting married you should consider having no hips and definitely no butt. Sample sizes do not allow for that.

It was about the time that the lady pulled on the bottom of the top of the dress and kept saying, it’s stuck on something. I had to swollow my pride and say, “It’s stuck on me. That is my hip bone you are trying to get passed.” When she stepped out of the dressing room it took everything I had not to slide down the wall and cry in a puddle of tulle and bridal satin. I kept it together and cried standing up. In the middle of the fourth bridal shop I walked into, I cried. I cried because I was at a point in my life when I was happy with me. These dresses…these sample sizes are ripping that away. My biggest fear was that I would be self-conscious my entire wedding day.

I would not succumb to the sample sizes. I kept on keeping on. I finally walked into the place I was trying to avoid, David’s Bridal. It wasn’t that they didn’t have beautiful dresses, but they seemed to have the same ones that everyone else wore. They also had other sample sizes. Their biggest size on the rack wasn’t a size 8. They had 10’s and 12’s. By golly they even had a 14 and 16! I put on a dress. I put on another. Each one going over my hips. Some zipped up, some didn’t, but they all went over my hips.
It was about the tenth dress I fit over my hips that I picked one. I loved it, but then there was another. How does one choose. They both made me feel beautiful and not like a killer whale trying to fit herself into a dolphins body. I left without the dress, but came back 2 weeks later and put it on. It zipped again. It wasn’t a fluke. The dress was bought immediately.

I guess if I could tell any bride about wedding dress shopping who is above a size 8, it is this. “Sample Sizes are not indicative of how beautiful you will feel on your wedding day. You will find your dress…save the tears for your vows.”