Thursday, May 01, 2008

Feeling of an Old Age

I found a new definition for old today, found it in my pocket, under my pillow as I tried to snag a nap, written on the backs of my eyelids as I blinked. Old is a mindset brought on by uninvolvement and disconnectedness with what you used to do.

I felt old earlier today. I look at the myself of earlier today through the lens of a bit of fresh enlightenment--I was debtor to my obligations, swimming in my lack of downtime, dressed in the suit of responsibility (which never should be dirtied in the sandbox of enjoyment). I say was, as my enlightenment from a few moments ago shows me a new perspective.

Oldness is something we allow in the mind. It is a state of thinking, and it strikes us when we are not involved. It is insidious as it creeps in under the guise of car payments, a larger than we need mortgage, the crushing accumulation of household crap (that we just have to have).

I feel refreshed in breaking from the mould of the routine. Tonight I went out to the back yard in the biting wind dressed in a hoodie, beanine & sandals (I gotta have some yin to the yang, it's March for petes sake!) to cast the empty line of a borrowed 8 foot Browning fly pole.

The simple act of casting, trying not to snap the line like a whip, and putting the opaque trembling leader where I willed were liberating. The small break in the routine has me refreshed like a thrown open door in a mausoleum. That biting wind chased me indoors after about twenty casts, but the point is I went out. I went out. I did something I really wanted to do despite the fact that I could have done a dozen other responsible things.

The interesting thing is all my commitments were already filled. It was the fugue of fatigue which I needed to reach through to grab at something fun. I have left nada lacking today; I went to work, I fed the kids, I vacuumed. I have just slid into this comfortable womb of justification and denial anytime I feel half motivated to do something. Talk myself out of it. Tonight I talked myself into it.

I've pretty much given up on cycling these past few months. Instead of getting out on the skinny or fat tires to pedal away my frustration (and expanding midsection), I ride the motorbike on my precious downtime. I've neglected the physical motion and the accompanying release for mechanization. True, the motorbike is a blast. But I need balance in my life again. I need to get out and make my body move.

Age is a relative factor of the mind. These past weeks I've felt old. Tonight's few casts in a new discipline have stirred me, for which I am thankful. Now to stir myself into some sort of momentum!

OK then, I am off for the treadmill. Mental (and physical) love handles be damned!

4 comments:

jay ruby- i loved this post. i really feel alot of the same things- like i just feel old and blah- but im the one that doesnt do the things i want to...so i make myself feel that way. i opt to watch tv rather than go out for a walk with my camera and take some pictures that will make me feel satisfied. or do whatever else i might need to do. i get more mad at myself everyday for wasting away my time. anyway

thanks for the post- it really gave me some motivation. and i love your writing skills- you should write a book, im serious.

that first paragraph reminded me of extremely loud and incredibly close style of writing. i LOVED IT!

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