Peter Chianca: Apparently couples are (cell) phoning it in

I got an email this week with the following subject line: “Is the love of your life judging you based on the phone you carry?” Now, you might be thinking, “Of course not, who could be that shallow?” And this may be why you’re spending your Saturday nights crying yourself to sleep by the soft light of your teal-colored Nokia 3210.

You’d be amazed how many press releases I get here at the newspaper that make me fear for the future of humanity. And not just the ones about new robot technologies that scientists somehow think won’t result in the complete subjugation of the human race, although definitely those too.

For instance, I got an email this week with the following subject line: “Is the love of your life judging you based on the phone you carry?” Now, you might be thinking, “Of course not, who could be that shallow?” And this may be why you’re spending your Saturday nights crying yourself to sleep by the soft light of your teal-colored Nokia 3210.

Because those of us who’ve been paying attention for the last decade or so know that life in 2013 revolves almost entirely around your phone. This is why if you forget your phone at home you spend the rest of the day sweating and twitching and feeling your empty pocket, whereas if you forget your kid at home you figure eh, he’ll figure it out.

So say you’re out at wherever it is that single people go (I’ve been married since 1997, so I have no idea -- do they still have the coffeehouses with giant couches?). If you pull out an old flip phone that looks like Captain Kirk’s Star Trek communicator, women will look at you like, well, a guy who might make a reference to Captain Kirk’s Star Trek communicator. We know who we are.

The release about the apparent phone-judging epidemic came from the publicist for uSell.com, “the leading online marketplace for used gadgets,” where they don’t seem concerned about their gadgets being used, but are quick to proclaim that somebody with last year’s iPhone will die broken and alone. (Paraphrasing.) The publicist declared the results of the study to be “surprising,” which is apparently a publicist word that means “twisted and sad.”

For instance: “iPhone users show that they prefer same-phone partners (iPhone-iPhone matches) for both short term and long term relationships.” So the takeaway is that there are actual real people who will forgo a lifetime of potential happiness if it means having to spend it with -- gasp! -- an Android user. This is COMPLETELY INSANE -- it’s not like we’re talking about BlackBerries, for crying out loud.

Page 2 of 2 - Android users, meanwhile, “aren't as picky when it comes to short-term hookups (Android-iPhone or Android-Android matches), but explicitly prefer other Android users when settling on life partners.” But before you jump to any conclusions, I just want to reiterate something that I’ve always truly believed, deep down: Android users are easy.

Also noted in the survey:

• “In a romantic setting, 52 percent of females -- but only 30 percent of males -- will judge a potential significant other on their phones.” It’s disturbing that women can be so judgmental, but at least most men aren’t engaging in something as petty as judging women by their phones, instead preferring to continue judging them by how much they look like Gisele Bundchen.

• “More females than males say they expect a casual hook-up to have an iPhone.” Because you know what they say about the number of a man’s apps. (I’m not even sure what I mean by that, but if it sounds vaguely suggestive my work here is done.)

• “Over half of those surveyed said they expect their life partner to have an iPhone, regardless of what type of phones they have themselves.” Or barring that, a small dowry and at least three oxen.

I don’t know -- maybe it’s actually a sign of progress that the modern version of “Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner?” would feature a family scandalized by the fact that their daughter brought home an Android phone. (“It never occurred to me that I would fall in love with a Samsung Galaxy S4, but I have, and nothing's going to change that!”) I just think we won’t really mature as a people until we’re basing our life choices on more important factors.