The February Love Affair

I never thought that the day would come that I would be the one writing to you. I enjoy reading your posts and appreciate your views on different dilemmas sent to you by your viewers. I need some sort of advice regarding my case. Just call me John, 22 years old, hurting and sad. My story just happened recently so everything is fresh from my memory. One day (to be exact February 13,2010), this guy (letâ€™s just call him Renz, 29 years old) called me up. I knew where he got my number but I wonâ€™t mention it here anymore. He was a stranger. We talked for a very short time only because I was about to go somewhere. After our conversation, we exchanged a few text messages. When I got home, he called again. We talked for a very long time. I felt at ease talking to him. We exchanged infos about ourselves, our likes and dislikes, our funny stories etc. It felt really good just talking to him. We joked about our boo-boos and all. He would sometimes say â€œI love you babyâ€ in the middle of the conversation. At first, I just gave him a nervous laugh and told him â€œsira ka talagaâ€. I wonâ€™t deny the fact that I was really â€˜kiligâ€™ and I felt butterflies in my stomach. Before we ended our 3-hour conversation before midnight, I just caught myself saying I love him. I know I was such fool. Oo, nagpa-uto ako.
He called up again around 1am, Feb 14. We shared stories again, greeted each other happy valentines and said our I love yous a couple more times. Then he admitted he is currently in a relationship. He said he and his partner is going through some issues. He told me almost everything about himself, the relationships he had, how they all ended, pretty much everything! He said he sometimes feels lonely and I just cant help but make him feel better. I knew that I am beginning to fall for him. Napaka gullible ko talaga. I told him almost everything about me as well. I told him that not a single soul knows that Iâ€™m like this. He was the first one to know about who I really am. Before we went to sleep around 5:30am, the last thing we said was I love you. We didnâ€™t hang up the phone. We slept with our headphones on. It was going on smoothly for a couple of days. We met up one time. He had errands to do for his partner and I accompanied him. Ang tanga ko talaga. Masochist much? He is really good looking. Everything I envisioned him to be, yun sya. When we were eating, he joked about sleeping on my lap. When we were waiting for a ride home he said â€œkiss mo muna akoâ€ then on our way home, he whispered to me â€œasan na ang kiss ko?â€ Syempre I didnâ€™t do it (pero gusto ko talaga). After that, we were still okay. After a couple of days though, he suddenly changed. We used to talk everynight, text each other constantly, he even calls me when he is at work. I think he felt guilty about what he is doing to his partner. Oo I shouldnâ€™t have let it gone this far. What would I feel if I was the partner? Pero I was â€˜inloveâ€™ with him that I didnâ€™t care what anyone feels. When things were starting to fall apart, I felt devastated. It was my first time to open myself to someone and it felt bad. He said he wants us to be friends. I know he does and I want it too. Kaso he became so dense and minsan ang NR nya. I know heâ€™s doing that for me not to fall deeper. I just wanna talk to him not to work things out but just explain that being dense to me is doing no good. He told me once â€œmakakahanap ka din ng para sayoâ€. Wow, define bullshit? I know that. Although I know he said that with the intention of making me feel better, it didnâ€™t make me feel better. I just want him to acknowledge that at this point, Im in pain. He wants me to move on faster but thatâ€™s not something I can do in a snap, right? Itâ€™s not like I can just forget everything when I close my eyes. Opening up yourself to someone is like giving them the power to hurt you, and sometimes itâ€™s not worth that risk. Ang sakit. Ang sakit pa rin. I canâ€™t move on. Maybe because it was my first. And although I know it was my fault since nag fall ako kahit na alam kong heâ€™s in a relationship, he is partly to blame dahil sinabi nyang mahal nya ako. Umasa ako Migs. Sino ba naman ang hindi, diba? Iâ€™m stuck in ground zero. Hindi ako maka move on. Remembering our previous conversations brings me to tears. Siguro sa tingin mo ang OA ko naman, but ang sakit talaga. Iba kasi talaga yung nafeel ko kanya. And alam kong may nafeel din sya for me. How do I recover from this experience? Salamat.
– John

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My dear John,

You fell, and fell hard. It’s amazing how this story is repeated, cycled, and recycled by many people (not exclusively among people like us). But you know, however painful you are feeling right now, I see a glimmer of beauty in all these. I hope that you too, amidst all the darkness you are in right now, begin to see this little sparkle in the horizon. And I’m talking about this — your desire to be one with someone, to share yourself, your little secrets, your unopened life story. You are so full of good things, brimming, overflowing, that your soul so powerfully reaches out to another, celebrating, unifying, loving.

It happens that Renz, your object of affection, that other soul, have issues of his own. And as he struggles and feels his way through his own complex web of issues, your soul which is just eager to be with his, just cannot. This is the source of your pain. Your pain is not caused by the past, nor by Renz, nor by anything else. It is caused by your soul’s desire to reach out and find another to share and celebrate its goodness, its love. So, as you ask, “how do I recover from this experience,” my thoughts go to this source of your pain. How can you tend to your loving soul — that which only wants to share, to celebrate, to love, and to revel in joy? As I write this, as we together frame your situation this way, notice that it is more about using your soul’s energy in a different way. If before, you have Renz as the object of your soul’s energy, perhaps you can find other channels and objects — friends, family, pet, work, etc. — as your new object of love and affection? I would recommend though that one of the first things you’d consider is your own soul. Yes, your soul loving, aligning, affirming its own. This is the best opportunity to do that, now that you are hurting. The big question is: how?

Loving one’s self is not very easy because we’ve always been taught to be selfless, that being selfish is bad, etc. Now I tell you, no, now is the best time (it’s always the best time) to love yourself. Use your heart to feel what your soul is asking for. Notice how your emotions are guiding you to what your soul needs and wants. Avoid wallowing in the past (it can only make you feel more stuck and immobilized), and instead focus on your soul’s desire to joyfully, cheerfully give and share, to love; open your eyes and you will see that many others, not only Renz, can be the object of your soul’s fire. Only when you really tend to your soul can it be aligned to who you really are inside — and when that alignment happens, you will know, because you will experience joy, so unmistakable and so powerful that it cannot not radiate out to others. Try it. See how it changes things.

John, I wish you a break in the drama, and lots of energy to follow your bliss. I think of you at your best and happiest. World Peace!

Spend more time with friends and family. Do your responsibilities sa work. Be workaholic. At the end of the day, nakalimutan mo na sya, naging productive ka pa. Time has its way of healing wounds. Goodluck!

just leave it that way pare, after a week or two of crying (just enjoy these times of grief, meaning cry when you need and when you want to and pray that next time youll be wiser) its time to move on, and wait for the time when you will realize that your glad you had that experience.

anyway, John… I think what you are feeling are perfectly legitimate. nasaktan ka and you ought to express it. maybe you really had been gullible. In one way or another, we all had been. On the other hand, life is too short to waste too much on “mourning.” Literally. I am 23 and am dignosed with some effing disease, might be the end of me but I continue to enjoy life because I know time is nobody’s luxury.

I’ve been through almost the same situation with the first guy I ever fell “in-love” with. The only difference is, then, I didn’t have the same courage to tell him how I feel. But John, you could not go on by looking back and pointing fingers on whom to blame. Renz had told you the truth to the matter and that is that. And while he may silently acknowledge your pain, what would you have him do with it? Or if he ignores it completely, then what use would it be for you to hold on? Do not be a victim of the hurt you feel. It is your first heartbreak … and there might be a couple more or so. Empower yourself by knowing that – although it helps strengthen character – this ordeal alone does not shape your life entirely. I believe you know what to do. All the best.

Savour every moment and learn from it. It maybe very painful but you’ll learn from it. And Migs is right, it’s a cycle that just keeps on repeating. Wag mo na lang ulitin na maging second best. There is no happiness in knowing that you’re “JUST a Kalaguyo”

John, there is nothing to be afraid of grieving over your failed relationship even if it was just for a short time. As the song goes, “let the pain remain”. You are just human and its so sad to know that things will end up like this, when you have perhaps invested a lot, “yourself”, to the one whom you thought will be for you. Giving yourself sometime to feel the pain could open up new things in your life…a learning experience. Your still young and many things will still come up.

a lot of people mistake love for infatuation. the truth is you fell because he’s everything you want him to be, and ang ending nung na realize nya na ayaw nya sa yo, ayan wasak ka tuloy. halatang naive ka pa. antay ka ng mga after a few years and heartaches later matututo ka din. 🙂

well.. maybe we just need to be cautious. its really great to fall in love BUT if you give everything in the relationship then you are doom. I agree with Tony na Age do really count sa relationship. Even people tells you na they are matured na in their young age.. iba pa rin yung dumaan ka maturity ng panahon. take this experience as your grounding moment para kahit ano pa yung dumating sa iyo.. alam mo kung ano ka at alam mo kung saan yung lugar mo. I can relate kasi kagagaling ko lang dyan… very recent.. mas matindi pa kasi I gave him 4 chances and out of 4, thrice nya ako hinahamon ng hiwalayan everytime na may di kami pagkakasunduan until the day I decided to stop all the emotional and psychological torture na pinadama nya sa akin sa loob ng 10 months. I know its sad..pero hindi para sa kanya I told him the sad part is not the break up.. its the time when I started to reconstruct my future plans kasama sya. Now.. heto patapos na ako sa Masters ko.. and you know what I learned? mabuti na lang di ko pinabayaan ang sarili ko kasi even though the relationship didnt prosper… may nangyayari at mangyayari pa din na maganda sa buhay ko dahil I didnt gave up my original plan… siguro sa ngayon I want to be with friends.. 9174621348

Hey John. Whatever anyone will say will not help you in whatever you go through. You might say thanks, but no thanks. But believe you me, that pain will go away- nobody knows though when. It’s really up up you. Of course, I’m not trying to make you feel better. I’m just trying to make you realize that it’s a phase you have to go through. You’ll be a stronger and better person once you snapped out of you current dilemma. Wait a little bit ’til the storm passes. There is something out there good and nice waiting for you. I have been there a lot! Hey, you’re still young! Good luck kid!

He’s 29 your 22, although 7 years doesn’t seem a lot… sometimes it means that you are world’s apart form emotional maturity and that difference can cause you to stumble and be hurt.

Your young and your emotions are raw. What you may percieve to be NR or dense maybe just means its already a non-issue for him. That your concerns are trivial to him because he has gone through that and passed that and realized its not such a big deal.

He has issues no doubt, but don’t blame yourself. Love will do what love wills. The best we can hope for is to be confused because of love.

isang linggong pag ibig!? ur still young.. sobrang dami mo pang pagdadaanan, even more complicated than this. though first heartbreak really hurts, but whats important is u learned from it.. cheer up! just enjoy the roller coaster ride of life.. never lose a grip, always remember to hold on tight.

Thank you Migz for publishing my letter and for giving your wonderful advice, as well as the readers. I just want to point out that I have so much love from friends and family. There are good times when I think Im okay, when I dont think of him much, but if remembering him again could peel back so many layers of my heart, it gets hard. Ive never been overly dramatic, ngayon lang. Haha. Thank you!

Migs, that was a really good, sound, and benevolent advice. I would’ve said, if asked for an unsolicited advice, to charge to exprience and move on. But you went to the core of the problem, and resolving the issue down to the root of things. I applaud you for such words of encouragement. To John, all the best in moving on. Here’s your love cure “How Do You Heal A Broken Heart”. Echus lang.