Posted on 28 October 2010

ENGLAND – JLS superstar Aston Merrygold has defended himself against allegations he is ‘only in it for the M&Ms’ after a shocking u-turn just days after indicating he would quit the group. The lead singer and part time Brylcreem model sent shockwaves across teenage bedrooms last week when a spokesman for label Sony BMG confirmed he was unhappy with the ambition of JLS, questioning the group’s ability to appeal to 13 year old girls.

However, rumors immediately began circulating over his true motivations with reports suggesting Merrygold wanted more green M&Ms in his dressing room after rehearsals. Known for having a soft spot for the green coloured variant of the chocolate candy, the news that he was holding out for a record six bowls did not go down well with former X Factor contestants.

Previous X Factor winner Leona Lewis was sympathetic to Merrygold’s concerns, but also questioned the motives behind the timing. “He’s obviously looking at up and coming talent like Justin Bieber and Robert Pattinson and wondering whether JLS can continue compete for the affection of young girls.”

‘No one is bigger than JLS’

Aston Merrygold ended the drama over his future by signing a new three album deal worth six bowls of green M&Ms and a Snickers bar after each rehearsal session. He also allegations he was motivated purely by green M&Ms, reiterating his desire to continue “putting out hot but family friendly pop tracks.”

“I spoke with Sony and they assured me there would be sufficient tracks made available to continue infatuating young girls for years to come. This was never about the candy.”

Alexandra Burke – winner of series five – was less forgiving, criticising what she called a candy driven culture in today’s X Factor artists: “There’s no loyalty in manufactured pop music anymore. Aston needs to remember what this is all about: Making his label lots and lots of money. M&Ms are just a tasty bonus.”

It remains to be seen whether fans will overcome the sense of betrayal despite the change of heart. “How can one person eat so many M&Ms in one go anyway?!” questioned one fan. “I get one pack of M&Ms in my school lunch and that’s plenty for me. Some people are just greedy!”

Posted on 15 October 2010

OHIO – US clothing retailer Abercombie & Fitch has scrapped a new advertising billboard featuring a single non-white model, one week after its introduction following an “almighty backlash” online.

The embarrassing u-turn came after decades of featuring exclusively fair-skinned, preppy male jock types in their stores advertising and clothes.

When A&F made to mistake of introducing colour into their marketing to boost sales and bring the brand forward to reflect a world made up of other races.

Diversity mix up

More than 2,000 comments flooded social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter, attacking the use of an African-American model and forcing the chain to return of the traditional look of rich party going white kids and the loose women that seem to tag along.

“Woah woah…he’s black. Am I seeing this right? That guy is a black guy :-(” wrote one confused shopper.

“How can I tell what the clothes will look like on me if a black guy is wearing them???” said another A&F fan on the company’s Facebook page.

A&F president Egon Zehnder said the company realised how much people liked the old light-skinned, blond hair, blue eye look of every model they have previously used after they ran the ad featuring a dark-skinned, short hair, brown-eyed and ‘our customers just flipped out’.

“Frankly I don’t know what we were thinking either. We only want what’s best for the brand and our all-white customer base.” he told Vanity Fair.

‘Insensitive to their demographic’

A&F customer were pleased to hear the company will never experiment with racial diversity again. “Thanks for listening. That was the first time I had interacted with people who look like that and it was not a pleasant experience,” said one fan on Twitter.

Mr Zehnder said: “All the comments say over and over that they do not want to see anyone of colour in Abercrombie & Fitch clothing. We’ve heard the message loud and clear.”

Advertising experts have agreed with the online outcry: “Any thoughts of Abercrombie & Fitch being even remotely associated with ethnicity in a customer facing capacity should have been squashed at inception.” said Saatchi & Saatchi Creative Director Richard Myers. “It was such a departure from what we’re used to seeing from them, it was like an ad for the UN Assembly in comparison. ”

“I’m glad they came to their senses. It’s time Abercrombie revisits the theory ‘if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.”

Posted on 02 October 2010

SAN FRANSISCO – Visa Inc [NYSE: V] have today unveiled the Race Card, a credit card with 0% on balance transfers and the ability to maximise situations were personal responsibility can be avoided with the mention of race.

The self-proclaimed ‘world’s most racially charged card’, made of carbon and fringed with a black metallic border, comes with no pre-set limit and a small annual fee of being an ethnic minority in a country built on slavery.

Race Card is exclusive to individuals in the US and membership is limited to the percentage of residents that have never been knowingly invited to a gathering of Klu Klux Klan meetings. Perks include access to a concierge service that will help you make your argument if you feel you have been the victim of a racial slight.

One cardholder was eager to praise its benefits: “Get this, I’m out to dinner and this waiter looks at me funny….No problem, I just pull out this little baby and BOOM! Free meal son. Dinner’s on the Race Card!”

Accepted in wide range of situations*, the Race Card Includes free upgrades on Virgin America, SouthWest and other airlines as well as special treatment when staying at the Hilton Hotel chain or any service based establishment in which cardholders can kick up a fuss before shouting “It’s because I’m black isn’t it?!”

A lighter skinned section of Visa customers have argued against the need to play the race card so overtly, but Global Head of Product James McCarthy hails the card as “a revolution in personal finance and race relations”.

When asked to explain the benefits between this and any other card on the market, he said: “Picture this: you’re at a restaurant and the cashier asks if you want the chicken special…you no longer have to be quietly offended that he suggested a meal based on the prejudicial stereotypes of your skin colour, now you can show your indignation by actually slamming down the Race Card…and you can pay for the meal at the same time. I think we’ve created something truly special here.”

Terms and Conditions:

Depending on our review of your application and your credit history, or if melanin levels are insufficient, we may be unable to open an account for you. You also understand that if your application is approved for an account, the APR and the type of account that you receive will be determined based on your racial bias and pre-existing belligerency. Please review the materials provided with your Cardmember Agreement for more details. This offer is available only to applicants who feel they have been previously wronged in the past due to the colour of their skin, with the exception of applicants who may be of ethnic origin but look fair enough to pass for white, and Mexicans. After your account is opened, we will periodically review your usage of the Race Card. If you do not maintain suitable levels of disproportionate racial outrage, we may revoke your account. This offer may not be available to you if you already have or have had a Race Card with us. You cannot use multiple Race Cards in conjunction with one another as their powers are not additive.

*May not be valid in certain situations while there is a black president.

Posted on 22 September 2010

LOUISIANA – BP officials have formally declared an end to the outpouring of negative press seen since an explosion on the Deepwater Horizon rig in April. The incident saw an unstoppable stream of dangerously hazardous media coverage leak into newspapers, television and all over the internet, causing untold damage to the company’s public image.

Attempts to plug the stories started when news channels became distracted with Lindsay Lohan violating probation, while additional relief came when Paris Hilton was found to be in possession of cocaine. The leak was finally stopped last week when all anyone wanted to talk about was Lady Gaga’s meat dress, allowing the population to successfully forget there was ever oil in the Gulf.

Tests conducted early Sunday confirmed an end to any coverage on the inevitable long term damage to the Gulf Coast. “The reports on the oil spill are now effectively dead,” said BP’s point man on the PR disaster. “We’ve been tracking BBC, MSNBC and Fox and thankfully no one’s covering it. I’ve heard CNN may run a special reports, but no one watches CNN anyway.“

‘Important milestone’

Outgoing chief Tony Hayward – criticised for suggesting all TV’s simply ‘be switched off’ to stem the flow of bad news – was pleased a permanent solution was found, but warned it could take a while until the stock price fully recovers.

Barack Obama hailed the news, declaring the crisis over and vowing to never mention the oil spill in the hopes that people would ‘just forget it happened’. In a statement, he thanked all those who had “worked around the clock to dig up meaningless stories about Hollywood celebrities to ensure the Gulf news stories stopped leaking forever.”

The president also expressed hope that attention could now turn to capping the leak of stories about him being a Muslim.

Posted on 18 July 2010

HOLLYWOOD, CA – PR experts have finally managed to stop the flow of obscenities, spite and racial outbursts flowing from the leak in Mel Gibson’s mouth using an innovative new cap system. This is the first time the spill has stopped since an explosion in 2006 resulted in the star’s verbal attack on Jews. “It’s been a four year battle against the filth spilling uncontrollably from Mel onto our media, we’re glad we’ve managed to stem the flow for now” said a relieved Martin Eisenstadt who also helped will other major PR disasters such as the spillage of nonsensical ramblings from Sarah Palin throughout the 2008 election campaign.

President Barack Obama however, warned against over-optimism, reiterating that much work remained to be done. “It is important we don’t get ahead of ourselves” he said. “There’s still a lot of hate inside Mel and we will need to deal with that somehow.”

E! Entertainment figures show an estimated four million obscenities have leaked so far, affecting hundreds of thousands of minorities across America with Gibson’s finances suffering as women, African-Americans and Jewish people all avoid his films.

Many Hollywood insiders raised fears the cap – designed to fit tightly over Gibson’s mouth – would put ‘enormous pressure’ on him and cause an even greater spill of racial slurs to pour out, most likely over the state of Israel. “Mel hasn’t offended anyone in two days so things are looking good” added Eisenstadt, who stressed that this does not necessarily mean the flow of racial epithets would stop permanently and Mel could erupt at any time and ‘really let some ethnic guy have it’.

Mr Eisenstadt believes that should the cap system fail to contain the outpouring of hate filled words they would move to the next phase and just surgically staple Mel Gibson’s mouth shut.

Posted on 06 June 2010

NEW ORLEANS, LA – BP CEO Tony Hayward has promised to pump millions of dollars to avoid the company’s fragile reputation being wiped out due to continuous negative coverage of the Gulf Coast oil spill.

BP have been placed on the endangered brands list, joining such at risk names as Toyota and MySpace, yet to show any sign of leaving the list.

“I want to underscore our commitment to doing everything possible to minimize the impact of this negative press” replied Mr Hayward when it was suggested he hadn’t taken the situation seriously enough, “No expense will be spared, let me tell you. We’re fully committed to making sure people forget this whole ever thing happened.”

Since the leak that started the outpouring of negative reporting, at least 491 sales meetings, 227 TV spots and 27 commercial deals, including a tie-in with Burger King, have been cancelled.

Marketing experts are calling this the worst PR disaster to hit the US in years with BP’s stock price already plunging after earlier PR efforts failed.

“OK, so maybe offering free oil changes was a mistake” admitted Hayward. “We still have plenty of ideas left in the tank”, these are thought to include a benefit concert with Bono for orphans in the coming weeks.

BP have been criticised for doing ‘too little too late’, with leading executives claiming not nearly enough is being done to repair the damage to the oil giant’s reputation.

“This is looking like the biggest freaking oil spill the country has ever seen…They could at least drop cash from a blimp or something” commented Richard Branson.

While the true scale of the damage won’t be known for years, Mr Hayward remained confident the company’s reputation can be repaired, saying BP could always make an advert with Tom Hanks ‘if things got really bad’.

Posted on 27 January 2010

LOS ANGELES, CA – In a move to address waning public perception since the recent earthquake in Haiti, God aka ‘The Big Man Upstairs’ has taken a bold step to assemble a new public relations team. The decision is believed to have been in consideration for some time after a string of natural disasters – including the South Asian tsunami, Hurricane Katrina and Joey – led to God’s approval rating to fall at least 38% since the turn of the millennium . This sentiment had only been worsened after the earthquake stuck Haiti and left God, father of one, with no option but to put together a team of experts to re address his battered public image in what may become known as his largest PR campaign since the Crusades.Read the full story