7 Things Your Baby Has In Common With a Drunk

You swear you only gave them milk…

By
Laura Lifshitz

Jul 26, 2016

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It might make you feel like a bad mom to admit this, but despite their general adorableness, there are times when — you know this is true — your baby or toddler acts like a drunk. With their head-banging klutziness, boob-grabbing, and verbal diarrhea, you'd be forgiven for asking yourself, "Did I accidentally spike my kid's milk?" These hilarious ways small kids act like tiny drunks may actually have you flashing back to your own college-era benders. At least there's no hangover involved…

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1They'll Grab Anything and Everything

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Like a handsy drunk who palms butts at the bar, nothing is off-limits to your baby. (Isn't "mom" and "dad" typically followed by "mine!" in baby language?) And if he or she is nursing, forget about it. Your breasts are no longer yours; they're your baby's to use as needed.

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2Just Walking Is a Struggle

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Ever watch a bouncer try to escort a drunk out of the bar? He or she might take down everyone in their path with their stumbling gait — not unlike a toddling baby who's just learning how to walk. Even the least paranoid parents might seriously consider putting bumpers on every corner in the house so their baby doesn't crack their own head open.

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3Their Thirst Can Not Be Quenched

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How many drunken friends have you tried to flag only to hear "just one more"? And getting between them and the bar at that point never ends well. Whether bottle or breast-fed, babies want their milk and comfort on demand, and taking a bottle or boob away from a fussy child could be considered an act of insanity.

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4They Can't Help But Say Inappropriate Things

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Everyone has that friend who's not afraid to spill the sorry details on their divorce or TMI from their last sexual encounter after a few drinks. Going out in public with your toddler comes with similar oversharing risks: No conversation is safe from words like "vagina" or "poop", or that moment when your kid proudly drops the F-bomb.

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5They Love Being Naked

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It's amazing how just enough alcohol can turn even your most buttoned-up friend into an exhibitionist. If you have a pulse and are over 21, you've probably seen more than you'd like of your friend's (or a stranger's) private bits at least once at a party. Your kid gets it, and never passes up an opportunity to life up their shirt of skirt, show off their belly, and strip down to their birthday suit. Those onesies are just so restrictive…

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6They Throw Tantrums

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After a few drinks, even the tiniest drama could set certain friends off: An unanswered text to a husband? Clearly, he's cheating. An unintentional shoulder bump at the bar? Hold her bag! It's not unlike when you tell your toddler to do something they don't want to do — the ensuing yelling, screaming, and kicking would make someone think you just told them you lost their favorite teddy instead of simply telling them it was bedtime.

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7They Fall Asleep Wherever, Whenever

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Drunks have a knack for passing out pretty much anywhere that's convenient after a few too many. (Try telling them it's time to go to home to bed though and you'll practically guarantee a tantrum.) Your kid also has that gift — they'll fall asleep in a high chair, on a toy, on a rug, anywhere someone will let them. (But, sweet irony, they'll never sleep when you tell them to.)

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