Previous entry We do not celebrate Halloween. We turn off the porch light. We do not hand out candy. When the doorbell rings at dinnertime, we ignore it. A celebration of death is not fun this year. *** The Ativan has been helping. I’m able to focus on things. I’m able to push aside the Read More

Previous entry I am in Morrigan’s room, playing with her figurines while she dances ponies across her xylophone. I’ve been holding off taking the Ativan because I’m not sure what it will do. I want to make sure I use it when needed. It’s addictive, and I don’t need to be going through chemo and Read More

Previous entry I wake up at 2 a.m. again, the butterfly thugs smashing inside me, my whole body convulsing with shivers. What is this? I’m trying to sleep here, trying to drift off and fucking forget for a few hours, and my brain hates me. It wants me to suffer. I finally get back to Read More

Previous entry I hate it when people say, “Everything happens for a reason.” Of course everything happens for a reason. Things don’t just happen. A thing preceded the thing that is happening. There is a cause for everything. I know, I know. That’s not what people mean. They mean, “Everything happens for a reason that Read More

Previous entry I can’t sleep. I don’t want to leave my family. I don’t want Kevin to raise our daughters alone. What will my precious babies do without their mother? I have so many things to teach them. I was going to be a strong, confident woman, one who takes no shit but is still Read More

At 4:30 p.m. on October 27, 2017, my entire world shatters into a million pieces and I enter a Twilight Zone world that looks like my life but feels like a nightmare. The biopsy confirms what everyone hinted at but were unable to articulate: The bone loss in my jaw is metastasized cancer. Breast, most Read More