Bad Boys

What is it about bad boys? I have been asking and even the memory puts a smile on the faces of women who seemed like they would have known better. Apparently no one is safe. My husband tells me that men simply cannot understand why women go after the bad boys and, worse still, often stay with them when the ride gets rough and the crash becomes inevitable. Why do we?

I do think I have figured out the difference between bad boys and bad girls. Boys like bad girls because they think they know what they might do. Girls like bad boys because they are pretty sure they don’t know what they might do. Nice boys – yawn – predictable. Bad boys? Who knows what delicious adventures a nice girl might have?

Even if the one fairly predictable thing about being with bad boys is that the romp likely will not end well, females of all ages seem quite willing to take their chances. Once the chemistry has sparked and the female has taken the bait, bad boys don’t see the need to make more than a token effort. The relationship becomes colored with indifference, with eyes that no longer search out yours (or are busy traveling to other destinations), with attitudes of feigned boredom or even contempt, with shrugs and unanswered phone calls and texts, with the aplomb of guys who know that it no longer matters what you do, but only what they do. You are hooked. Theywill put out a bit of razzle dazzle if they absolutely have to, dust off the boyish smile, occasionally drop a few crumbs of apology or regret, but we had better put out or they are history.

While it would seem I use the terms “boys” (and “girls”) rather loosely here, I assure you, whether it’s a plummy young man or a senior citizen playing the game, it is a boy we are dealing with. Whether his mom (and sisters) let him get away with murder from day one, he is pulling off a role that seems to work for him, or he simply does not have it in him to be decent, he is used to getting what he wants.

When a bad boy fastens on a likely female, there is born an almost irresistible thrill for her, a nearly impossible challenge not to meet, whether that female is a girl of 13 or a woman of a certain age. Soon the warnings of the sisterhood are like so many leaves in the wind. Something about his attention makes us feel lucky and special. We are tantalized because he is not a sure thing. Before we know it we are involved in the thrill of the chase.

Sometimes bad boys inspire a desire in females to tame or convert them into nice boys, and most particularly to become the bad boy’s one and only. If this unfortunate desire takes a girl as far as marriage, you can bet that marriage has Titanic written all over it. You will not change the bad boy. You will just make him a sullen bad boy. If he has not shown up where he is supposed to be when you are dating, you can be pretty sure he’s not going to show up at the sink, family gatherings – or sometimes even for the birth of your children. Got it? He thinks you already scored all you need when you got him.

Even if a young woman is smart or lucky enough not to marry her bad boy, he can still wreak havoc in her life. She can become so involved in doing what is necessary to erase his pout and bring on that rationed lazy smile that the rest of her life loses importance, even reality. The damage to herself and other relationships can be profound, and recovery can take a long time.

Because most girls are raised to be pleasing, polite and obedient, leaving all those shoulds and have-tos behind can feel like breaking out of solitary confinement – better still if she can do it on the sly, hiding the relationship and avoiding curiosity and criticism. Some naive girls actually bring the bad boy home or take him to outings with friends. Here’s the thing: family and friends will recognize your bad boy for what he is and they probably won’t be quiet about it. You and your bad boy will soon morph into us and them. He won’t care, but you will.

I don’t want this post on bad boys to turn into a description of abusive males, but the line can get very thin. Bad boys do not often grow up to bepatient men. In fact, a lot of them don’t grow up at all.

Let’s look at things from a different angle. What exactly attracts girls and women to bad boys?

1. Bad boys are sexy and mysterious. It is true if you only grunt responses you will remain a mystery, but sexy? Of course, sex appeal has always been in the eye of the beholder, but it does involve some two-way chemistry, right? All good unless that twosome means that you both like him best, which too often ends up as the bottom line. Remember, you can treat him like a prince but that will not make him one. To all three of you who have not yet suffered a bad boy at any age, just know that reciprocity is not in his vocabulary. A bad boy is not going to treat his neighbor or you the way he was treated – between the sheets or much of anywhere else.

2. Bad boys do their own thing. Maybe. Hopefully they are not doing their own thing because no one else will do it with them. Always a consideration. And what IS their thing anyway? Check YouTube for examples.

3. Bad boys do not need anyone’s approval. They do what they want. Really? Mommy and Daddy gave them a lifetime supply in advance? Sadly and more likely, no one ever much cared what they did. However, once a bad boy lets this sad bit of history slip out (accidentally on purpose), a nice girl will be all over him trying to make up to him for what he did not by rights receive. Honey, that well has got a hole in it.

4. Bad boys are exciting. “Stirring and stimulating” are the first meanings of exciting that I read on line. Well so is a laxative and we handle those pretty carefully. Unfortunately, there are women who get hooked on feeling badly on a regular basis and call it exciting. I’ve had women tell me that the ups and downs in feelings generated by the antics of the bad boy made them feel so “alive.” Of course, the next day they wished they were dead, but, hey, this is all part of excitement, right, this not knowing where you stand? Right.

Okay, looking over this post, I do see there might be some lessons to be learned by nice boys from bad boys. Don’t try too hard, but do try. Have some standards for yourself and meet them. Don’t be utterly predictable. Surprises are the ice cream of life. Make sure your own thing is legal. Do unto her as you would have her do unto you. And remember: patience really is a virtue.

If you read the title of this post and got a smile on your face, you probably survived your bad boy(s) and all is well. If so or if not, maybe you have a story to tell?

P.S. You found Hutch, right?

Mary Martin

8 Responses

I wonder what prompted you to write a bad boy post ? It was a good read and the comparison to a laxative was very funny !! Luckily I have only been stirred by the bad boy when they were on tv, the movie screen or in a novel !!! :0) I did marry the “boy” who was told he was “too nice” in high school. I am glad they saved him for me !
Have a nice Thanksgiving !

I think women think we can make the bad boy into a good boy just through our love for him and it usually doesn’t turn out well – deep, but not well. Good post, Mary – and yes, I did catch the Hutch Bad Boy photo. Happy Thanksgiving.

You know well the trouble I am having with a grown up “bad boy” – but I am now mostly untangled and looking for the “bad enough” man! Why can’t they be bad acting but good to the women who love them?? Thanks for the post, good one!!

Hello, CAK: Hutch said the kind of bad boys I wrote about are “naughty boys,” not bad ones. I told him we don’t have naughty boys over four years of age in the States. Apparently, we are not telling any stories about them either! Thanks for commenting.

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