Chauncey Billups

Monday, February 14, 2005

PLEASE BRING MY CAKE BACK

Tip your Bowler hat to the original Lil' Flip. The Wolves were built for a short window, and that window has apparently slammed shut on their necks.

I'm saying this year's Wolves squad--with the return of Wally and the lost Neville brother, Troy Hudson, and the emergence of Eddie Griffin--was like some Ikea furniture or something. You got these pieces, the shit makes sense on paper, you think it should work, and by the end of the day you have a broken bookcase, a drinking problem and 6 extra screws. AND YOU CAN'T FIND THE ALLEN WRENCH! YAOMING?! (YO, OLOWOKANDI IS THE ALLEN WRENCH IN CASE MY METAPHORS ARE TOO FUCKING RAS KASS FOR YOU)

This team went into the season, restocked and loaded with a lineup that went 8 or 9 deep, in a Western Conference that was up for grabs for the first time this century. Flip's dismissal is sad and KG's apparent knee problems (that he is ignoring) are alarming. But perhaps most telling is the fact that in the beginning of the year, they were in the market for Jason Kidd or Shareef Abdur-Rahim, whereas now you've got this story . Now I know that sometimes the dudes at ESPN have to float shit to fill out column inches or whatever but let me just say that if this trade is consumated I am rolling up to Kevin McHale's like this man...

on some WHAT IS YOUR PRIMARY OBJECTIVE!? type shit. Sprewell for Glen Robinson?!

One ray of sunshine today. The Wolves beat the Nets (golf clap, boys) last night, holding off a streaking Vince Carter. Garnett said this of interim coach/checkwriter Kevin McHale: "He's like a breath of fresh air right now. He's given everybody from A to Z confidence."

Yup. From Garnett on down to bench cozy, John Thomas, the shit is like Honey Apple potpourri. According to often dumbfounded center Michael Olowokandi, "McHale does a very, very good job at keeping us upbeat."

Yes, because you fucking guys were the number one seed in the West last year, you have the reigning MVP, and you have two extra above-average players returned to your arsenal this year, yet the sensitive contract demands of two Golden Girls have sent your team into a tailspin and cost your coach his job. But you need this horror movie villain...

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

STEP INSIDE THE BOOTH, SUPERMAN IS ALIVE

-Miami beat the Spurs last night. Just to show you who wears the cape on the Heat side, Wade had a 28-5-6. One-kidney-'Zo is on the way, Eddie Jones' finger is in a splint, and pretty soon they're probably gonna be able to swipe Rafer, Donyell Marshall and Jalen from the Raptors for Season One of Miami Vice. Maybe some of those Western Conference crews are taking notice. Sayeth Ginobilli: "They made a couple of big shots. We didn't. That's why they won the game." Manu, you a genius!

word. you dudes are champions.

- Speaking of the Leastern Conference heavyweights, the Knicks won a game last night. The unlikely hero was none other then Tim Thomas. Tx2 has been competing with Gilbert Arenas for over a year now in the, KANYE WEST OF THE NBA/DID HE JUST SAY THAT? competition. I will happily not call this a comeback for the Knicks as they defeated none other then the Bobcats who were playing without Emeka Okafor AND PRIMOZ BREZEC. So it's sorta like beating France at war with no Napoleon. The AP recap of the game quotes a Bobcat by the name of Bernard Robinson (who I will give propers to for this underhanded jab at Thomas, "For something to go in like (Thomas' shot), it happens in the game of basketball." Damn, Tim! Bernard Robinson said that you making a shot is like something that mathematically must occur in our universe but has no actual representation of skill on your part...ponder that, Wildcat.) ....I seriously have not even heard of half the dudes wearing Bobcat Orange. I feel like GM/Coach Bernie Bickerstaff is like, "Yo! I was at YMCA on 63rd, kid! This dude Bernard Robinson, he works over at Best Buy, but kid has up's!" Bernie! Get a scout!