Facebook and Divorce

How Facebook can destroy your marriage.

A new survey conducted by U.K. divorce website found that 33 percent of divorce petitions in 2011 contained references to Facebook. Another survey by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers found that “Facebook holds the distinction of being the unrivaled leader for online divorce evidence with 66% citing it as the primary source.” Also, more than 80 percent of divorce lawyers stated they “have seen an increase in the number of cases using social networking evidence” during the past few years.

What’s so bad about Facebook and why is it playing a role in destroying marriages? While there are many benefits of Facebook, there are a few points to be aware of when it comes to getting between you and your spouse.

1. Keeping up with the Joneses

Today our lives are an open book. Login to your Facebook account and you can learn just about every intimate detail of your friends’ existence. Even if you think you feel secure in your relationship, you may begin to discover that your marriage is not as exciting as you thought it was. Facebook has given new meaning to the term, “keeping up with the Joneses.”

Take one wife who read about the multiple family vacations of her acquaintance. Why couldn’t her husband take her and the kids camping too? A huge fight ensued and although he agreed to go camping, they realized afterwards that no two families are created equal, despite the acquaintance’s romanticized postings of being “camp mommy.”

It is easy to view the lives of others and want the same for ourselves. This often creates an underlying anxiety which can lead to tension at home and unreasonable demands. That Facebook friend may look like she’s having the time of her life traveling and buying new clothes, don’t lose sight that her husband may have a multimillion dollar business. Don’t lose perspective when being bombarded with the outer (and often false) grandeur of other people’s lives.

2. Relationships with the Opposite Gender

If you are in a relationship where you feel unloved or disregarded, a little bit of attention from the opposite gender can be tempting. The ease of causal comments on Facebook can lead to a slippery slope where we can find ourselves becoming increasingly attached to someone other than our spouse. A nice comment here, a little chat there, and next thing you know you’re emotionally invested in a relationship.

If you think I am exaggerating, Drs Pat Love and Steve Stosny write in How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It (p.89) that even if you are happily married, spending enough private time with someone you are attracted to can turn that chemistry into infatuation. All the more so, if you have an unfulfilling marriage. Chatting on Facebook or instant messenging when no one is around can add the thrill of privacy to the conversation. Pretty soon you could find yourself in a compromised situation that you don’t want to be in.

If you are feeling frustrated with your spouse it is only natural to want to confide in a friend. Yet, unfortunately it is not always a smart decision. Ideally one should learn appropriate relationship tools to be able to communicate directly with their spouse. This keeps the relationship where it needs to be, between husband and wife. If this is not possible, then an unbiased third party who will just let you vent is the next best option. The problem arises when you begin talking about your spouse with friends who may influence your relationship in a negative way.

Take for example a woman who posted a derogatory story about her husband on Facebook. A friend commented, “Only your husband would do that.” This affirmation of her husband’s shortcomings was surely not a positive contribution or encouragement of her relationship. Furthermore, many of our friends may have bad marriages themselves and would love someone else to commiserate with. Facebook can serve as an easy way for a chat which may offer free advice and discouraging feelings about our spouse. As we sink further into negativity, we forget about the possibility of trying to make the relationship work.

While studies may not always be fully accurate, as a marriage counselor, I have seen the negative effects that jealousy, relationships with the opposite sex, and discussing your marriage with friends, can have on a relationship. While Facebook can be a great way to keep in touch, it also can provide much easier access for these outside forces to enter your relationship and wreck it.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin is a Certified IMAGO Relationship Therapist working with couples, singles, and families and international lecturer on relationships. He is the author of The Jewish Marriage Book: How to Improve Your Relationship One Jewish Holiday at a Time which is available for free on www.theMarriageRestorationProject.com

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 34

(24)
Dvorah,
April 29, 2013 4:17 PM

Facebook can be a place of lashon ha ra But like everything is in our hands how to use it for hood or bad. The problem is how attached and addicted people become to Facebook, and other and more than anything tis the urgency to check and check phones and email all the time. If everyone if us invest all that time to enrich our relationship with our family face to face life will be better. Next time that you find yourself checking your phone or iPad Don't do it leave it alone and talk with your family or do something for them. Emails, Facebook , and text can wait. Is very sad to see people having a coffee and they don't talk they only watch their phones Technology is at our service But we need to learn not became the servants of the technology Addicted people don't see when they are falling into the addiction May Hasem help us everyday with our challenges

(23)
Anonymous,
January 9, 2013 3:12 PM

Facebook is NOT the enemy here. We need to use common sense and intelligence in the way we approach FB. Also, it is crucial to remember that once a week we have the beauty of disconnecting ourselves from FB and related technology for 25 hours.

(22)
disgruntled,
July 21, 2012 9:57 AM

intrusive addiction

I am absolutley disgusted by facebook and skype. The impact of separations and divorces is increasing. There was a reason we as humans were not born with technological devices, because it is not natural! For realtionships to exist facebook and skype and other social media needs to be abolished.
This is a way of escapism from emotion and responsibility, as long as it is accepted then so is bad behaviour and morals. Now my question is why is it being allowed if the negatives outway the positives?
In queensland alone there has been suicides, bullying, infidelity, irresponsible behavoiur, and people being hit by cars and buses because there too focused on their facebook via mobile device. How much destruction does there have to be before something is done about it? You dont need to be on facebook to play games, remember this. It doesn't stop there we as humans are not going to evolve effectively if we are not met with our needs- emotional and psycologically, relationships in a physical social setting acheives this, this is how our brain works.
I am disgusted to read the above comments as to what a repulsive and disgraceful species humans are becoming. Also I really feel for all of you out that have been affected I really do. The only way it can change is if someone does something about it, it only takes one man or woman to create a new trend, this is what I think it would take to abolish social media. We need to think outside the square and make a difference.
As I said before I feel really compassionate to you all who have affected, but like any other addiction it is the same steps for complete detox and I am sorry.
Please if anyone would like to comment on my comments please do I am interested to know what you are all thinking about this.

(21)
Anonymous,
May 24, 2012 5:06 AM

yep, i got divorced bcuz of facebook

yes. it haopenned top me.
my wife whom i loved VERY MUCH was spending time on facebook dissecting all my sins and reconnecting with old boyfriends. she insisted it is nothing wrong cuz she feels nothing for the guy. but she refused to de-friend him... saying i have no right to tell her who to be friends with.
my privacy meant nothing to her. my most personal information was discussed with her friends or acuaintances...
she insisted being friends on facebook with people who belittled me and put me down.
finally i decided that i'm better off alone , without her trampling my every emotion.
There is lots of good on facebook, but marriage must come first! in my case, i wasnt FIRST to my wife , but last :-(
it may seem petty or childish, but we get married for friendship and companionship and emotional support.
if a spouse sees nothing wrong in belittling their partner to others, something is seriously wrong.
(of course facebook wasnt the real reason, but it was a symptom of the sickness of the marriage)
BE VERY CAREFUL AND SENSITIVE TO THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN UR LIFE!

(20)
SusanE,
March 24, 2012 7:54 PM

FaceBook is people - Millions of them.

If she is in a Starbucks at 9 am and sees a super guy getting his coffee. If a man is in a store and the clerk is friendly and pretty. If you are at a weekly meeting and the woman in the 2nd row smiles. If I am at a club and the owner is a hunk. If you run into an old flame, or see a classmate all grown up at a reunion, if you see your neighbor jogging past your house at the same time each evening....... AND if you plan on going back to any of these places or keeping in touch, you have already made up your mind, and are open for an affair. - - - - - - - FaceBook isn't any different than real time except that it is very public.. It is easier to connect with people on there but it still takes that next step to physically get together and form a relationship with another person. It would have happened anyway but so many people wouldn't know about it. Just like if 'she' went back to Starbucks at 9 the next morning and the next ...... I'll bet she looked her best, and didn't really go for the coffee.

Julius,
July 20, 2012 3:16 PM

I agree

Excellent comments. Great insight. The internet has quickly morphed into a insidious social poison.

Anonymous,
August 24, 2012 9:34 PM

Strongly Disagree with above comment

I disagree. Although Facebook appears to be more public, really meeting "in realtime" is more so. Also, in person, a person would be more aware of the progression of the relationship, and would hopefully decide to avoid the growing inappropriate relationship. But when a person is online, although in a way it's more public, it is also more private, in that it's just the person himself and his computer screen; a person is often more comfortable sharing his personal life on screen than directly with people; also, it may seem more inoccent, and they may not recognize the growing emotional intimacy until it is progressed. You will agree that a face to face encounter when there is emotional intimacy is much more dangerous than one without emotional intimacy. And even if nothing physical happens, the fact that there is emotional intimacy with someone other than the spouse is corrosive in itself.

Cg,
April 9, 2014 5:06 AM

I agree. I heard a rabbi on Jrut radio say that texting takes away bushah, healthy shame. The same applies here.

Diane,
April 26, 2014 1:44 AM

An Affair of the Heart is Almost the Same as a Real Affair

I am involved in an affair of the heart with a man in Europe (I am in the U.S.). We are in love, but we can never see one another. We are both married. We both grieve for one another. It is very painful and sad. The only way we can be together is to ruin both of our families. We will probably never meet. I long just to touch him, but I can't. We both cry online with one another. DO NOT DO THIS. DANGER. DANGER. Spare yourself this pain. I wish I had even though I found love. Love hurts.

(19)
Anonymous,
March 19, 2012 7:59 PM

The author responds part 2

While some comments seem to assume this article is addressed to the Orthodox community, I think it is important to realize that the readers of this site are from all walks of life. While in the Orthodox community, there may be less intermingling of genders, and more awareness of the laws of not speaking ill about others, as well as the problems of jealousy and infidelity, for the world at large the points made in the article are ones that might not be so obvious. In fact, since this article was published I have been contacted by those thanking me for bringing some of these issues to the fore and that they have experienced the same problem with Facebook in their marriage. I think it is time for all of us to focus on bettering ourselves and our relationships and, with that, being aware of those activities which may not always help contribute to these goals.

(18)
Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin,
March 19, 2012 7:57 PM

The author respomds

Thanks to all who commented on the article. I would like to address a few of the comments that suggested that this article was an attack on technology and that facebook is not the problem; rather bad marriages are. I believe, as some of you wrote, that technology is not inherently bad. It all depends on how we use it. In fact, I do not believe the internet is evil or that it is the main problem that our generation faces. Unhealthy relationships, be it marriage, family, or within one's self, do much more damage and allow the unhealthy elements of the internet to influence us negatively. We must place our primary focus on the real problems which are working on creating healthy marriages and families as well as healthy individuals. With that said, facebook is not the cause of jealousy, infidelity, and other social ills. The point of this article is that it does provide easier access for these forces to enter our lives. Each one of us must decide for ourselves what we can withstand. We are human and we have temptations. If we are prone to jealousy, it might not be helpful to spend so much time on Facebook reading about what everyone else is doing. I am not suggesting we live in fear and not trust ourselves, rather we should make informed decisions.

(17)
Wassim,
March 17, 2012 10:50 PM

psychological terrorism

"subscriptions by default" are psychological terrorism, unless you opt-in.

(16)
Anonymous,
March 15, 2012 2:39 AM

Excellent - some FB perspective

Couple of years, survey showed some interesting data about Facebook use. I don't imagine much has changed.
-69% said that they were using FB to have fun
-83% used FB to reconnect with old friends
-86% wanted to stay in touch with old friends
Now they broke it down some more.
In the, "I want to have fun" category, the over 55 age group scored 100%. The 45-54, age group was at 50% in wanting fun. By the way, the 25-34 age group did use FB to learn. They also broke it down by gender. Generally, women wanted to have fun more than men. Men did fare better than women in the "I want to meet new people". There were differences between people who stayed at home, had children, etc. Below, in the comments, I read some defense of FB. Please do not take out of context what is being said. The gun argument, guns kill people and not people, or FB does not harm but people, is interesting but there is no room to debate here. Personally, I never figured that I would see the day I would be putting in a plug for Neil Postman, but I am. I do understand that one cannot ascertain the full effects of a media immediately upon introduction. So, let us say that is true of FB. Pinterest hid from its customers the fact that their pin was used as payment to them. Up until recently we did not know that we could be tracked via our smartphones but thieves knew. Apparently we can now be tracked via FB, without a problem. Imagine the data that is there, on us, for these people. For a people who has almost been paranoid about its privacy, I have a problem with FB. I will not even speak about the better use of my time.

(15)
sara,
March 14, 2012 9:00 PM

another point to add...

this article is well-said. i came up with a similar theory a short while ago regarding just general personal development and jealousy/personal happiness issues. i have majorly cut back on my FB time (still haven't completely cut myself off, although im thinking of doing it). i am happily married with children with stable finances. though i do recall getting a certain enjoyment/pleasure out of posting my pics and updating the details of my life such as marriage, babies, vacations, jobs, etc. i actually think it is more commonplace than others would like to admit. the pleasure i speak of is subconscious, i am not the type to deliberately want to make others jealous. nevertheless, the joy came from knowing others would be reading my profile and feel some jealousy of me. this was wrong of me for many reasons. among them lack of love for myself and fellow human beings, as well as lack of faith in God regarding the blessings he has bestowed on me.
the more i thought about it, the sadder i felt for those out there who haven't experienced some of the milestones in life yet that i have reached. and i felt it was my obligation to davka not post all the news in my life so as no to make them feel slighted for their situation (im referring to- single ppl wanting to marry, barren parents suffering through infertility or miscarriage, or ppl with less $ who can't afford some things in life).
i do think there are some advantages to FB like one of the posters mentioned. however, i am unsure whether the benefit outweighs the cost.
in conclusion, i am not saying everyone should close their FB accounts. but i am suggesting that ppl look inward and investigate themselves as to why they want everyone to know what's going on in their life, and also to have some discretion in terms of being sensitive to how another would feel in response to the "show-y-ness" of your posts.

(14)
Anonymous,
March 14, 2012 2:24 AM

Happened to me - almost

Completely true. Almost ruined my marriage. Luckily, my spouse got busted before it that relationship crossed a certain line. Take the Rabbi's advice before it happens to you.

(13)
anny,
March 13, 2012 12:10 PM

it's hard time you said it

it's hard time rabbis said this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and well said rabbi slatkin!

(12)
Anonymous,
March 12, 2012 2:38 PM

People ruin marriages by their choices; not fb

FB does not ruin marriages; people do. Nothing stated in this article proves anything other than the fact that people are making unwise choices and fb merely provides the evidence. When I hear Rabbonim blaming technology, I know they're avoiding the real, deeper issues. It's shallow and easy to point at fb or internet for that matter. What about all the tremendous Torah connections made on FB? The Torah disseminated? The prayers said for sick children that would not be said otherwise? The feeling that the world is one big community of people caring for one another? What about the shidduchim made on FB? Ask those individuals how FB helps marriages! If you point out the flaws, it's incumbent to point out the good, as well. If someone is behaving poorly in their marriage - either through neglecting their spouse, bad-mouthing their spouse, associating w/ people who would bad-mouth your spouse, listening (they could delete their friend's unkind comment - again, their choice,) they are blaming fb when they should be looking deeper and inward. If they have envy of someone else, they should address their lack of gratitude for their own lot in life - not blame fb. If someone who is counseling these individuals takes the easy way out by blaming fb - I suggest the couple seek another therapist. Perhaps they can ask for suggestions on their fb page?

Dovid,
March 13, 2012 1:09 PM

Agreed 100 percent!

I have nothing more to add. http://dteitelbaum.blogspot.com/2012/02/blaming-technology-latest-fad.html

Tzvi,
March 15, 2012 10:27 PM

You're right, but you've missed a CRUCIAL point...

You are completely right that we are now seeing a decline in the ability to maintain relationship, however you are missing a point... Facebook is like alcohol for a downtrodden individual. Many people who get down will go out for a run, workout, play/listen to music, or watch a movie; all completely legitimate methods of dealing with the negative emotion. If such an individual however would happen to have alcohol in the house,as opposed to searching for a healthy stress reliever, he may immediately turn to this easy outlet because of its availability. Granted he has a problem with his mood/emotion, but if there are two options in front of him, and the latter is easier and available but unhealthy, he may take that option. The same goes with ie a marriage. An individual has a martial issue, but unfortunately, he has brought the negative outlet (in this case facebook) into the house. As opposed to solving the issue in a healthy way, many will take this easy and tempting option.
So yes, the individual who abuses facebook has a problem, but facebook prevents him from solving it and often subsequently exacerbates it.

(11)
Rachel,
March 12, 2012 2:27 PM

This goes for dating, too

I would say that Facebook isn't a great idea for dating, either for a number of reasons, many that are similar to what's above. I'd also add that there's something to learning about each other slowly. If you give a potential partner full access to your Facebook page, you're sort of handing over your diary on the first date, unflattering pictures and all. You might also see things about them you're not ready to see. I don't automatically friend people, but many men meet you somewhere, and immediately go home and friend you (which is why I now use the 'Restricted' list).

(10)
Devorah,
March 12, 2012 1:45 PM

Double edge

I had students who lost entrance into colleges over posts on Facebook as much as 7 years ago. The problem is as old as time-lashon hora. I wonder what the sages of old would say about this new communication. Our new tongue is our fingers, which seems to go to controlling our thoughts. But for those of us with family all over the globe, it can be an effective and inexpensive way to stay in touch.

(9)
David Gr,
March 12, 2012 12:06 PM

Facebook Sympton Not Cause

I believe Facebook is not a cause of marriage problems but a symptom resulting from a marriage in trouble. I love my wife and enjoy Facebook for interesting conversation with friends and family. I see nothing wrong with sharing my thoughts and interests with complete strangers. Who knows we may get something good out of it. I don't think you will go wrong if you follow a basic rule "Don't share anything on line that you would not want your mother to see."

Miriam,
March 12, 2012 5:30 PM

It could be a symptom,

but an unhappy marriage can have a second chance at growth if Facebook doesn't end it sooner

(8)
Barbara Spillman,
March 12, 2012 6:52 AM

The choice is ours

Inherently something like facebook or electricity can be used either for good or bad. e.g. An electricity can be used to listen to shiurim, Torah music, or connect to Aish.com. But, that same electricity can be used to power (G-d forbid!) pornography etc. Ultimately, the choice is ours. Choose life. I have a very international family, living in four countries. Facebook is the one way we share news without waking someone at 2 am with an announcement of for example that its snowing in Jerusalem.
My advice to all married couples is simple. Make your marriage so exciting and good that your spouse dreams of the moment they will be home again and in your company. Because the lady at the office always smells like perfume, her hair is always done, and your husband probably doesn't see her at 3 am when her teeth aren't brushed, and her hair a mess. But she has to work, and so does he. Make sure when he walks in that door that you look (and smell) like you just stepped out the shower, and be happy to see him, even if your two year old just tipped a bag of sugar on the floor. Make sure you send your husband nice love notes in his lunch that you packed for him. And trust me, he will be dreaming of you all day long. There is a saying that if a man is in love (with his own wife), he won't even notice the best looking woman on the block. Keep your man in love with you. And, lastly, don't ever hold him random for intimacy. I have over heard women in public places boasting how they make their husbands beg for intimacy or their affection. Less commonly men sometimes also do this. Make sure that your spouse doesn't need to start thinking of other pastures to fulfill their needs, cause there are plenty of frustrated people who will be more than willing to try to oblige. If you don't create a hole in your relationship facebook can't be a threat. If you guard your relationship (by making it so good that your spouse won't want to leave), no third party can ruin it.

(7)
Wassim,
March 12, 2012 4:15 AM

It would have destoryed me too, if I let it.

I refuse to communicate on someone else's terms. Facebook bombards you with unsolicited "stuff" that literally stuffs up any clarity of mind you might have had prior to logging on. Facebook, as it currently works, is not conformant to "live and let live". I think Mark can fix it if he wants to. Either way, I'm not really interested at this stage. I don't like people messing with my beautiful mind. Also, I don't like married or attached males or females accumulating so called "friends" and opening themselves to being manipulated by "stuff" that evidently threatens and stability in their REAL relationships (the ones that really matter). Mark, do the right thing, and clean it up, then you'll make even more money. All you need is an ethics injection into that childish website. Still plenty of money to be made from ads (hopefully ethical too) and increased bandwidth usage, and if the website doesn't hurt people's real relationships you'll minimise the "bad karma". What goes around comes around. Shalom.

(6)
Anonymous,
March 11, 2012 9:27 PM

The problem isn't facebook.

Sorry to disagree, but the problem is not facebook (the internet, etc.) The problem is the relationship. A healthy marriage isn't threatened by facebook. In a healthy marriage, you don't air "dirty laundry." In a healthy marriage, you don't look to someone else to feel appreciated. In a healthy marriage, you don't compare your husband/wife to someone else's husband/wife. It's so easy to blame internet and facebook but the fact is, there is something missing to begin with if the marriage is that fragile. Why aren't we addressing the real issues?????

Anonymous,
March 12, 2012 5:01 PM

The problem isn't facebook.

Totally agree with Anonymous (6). Looking for blame is just too easy. Why not look inside?

(5)
ann c,
March 11, 2012 7:30 PM

Facebook "Friends"

My only reason for being on Facebook is that some of the news sites require a Facebook login in order for my comment to be posted.
Never will I understand that people can become so isolated in their own private lives that they have to go online to seek the "friendship" of total strangers, call them friends, and then divulge private information that could bring about serious problems in their lives.
Get away from the computer when you do not need it for work or for specific information, such as aish.com provides. Read a book, go for a walk, cook something from scratch for a change, plant a flower, ride a bike, go for a drive out of city congestion, listen to birdsong, walk in the rain. Anything other than staying glued to a computer, communicating with strangers who could be anything but what they claim.
Life is only a brief moment. Find friends in person. Go to lunch with them. Chat--live--on the telephone. Actually mail, via the postal system, greeting cards to them.
My apologies if I've rattled at so great length, but I do urge you to remember to relish the sound of other people's voices when they physically greet you, give a hug or handshake. Life is GOOD when you open your eyes and really SEE.

(4)
Anonymous,
March 11, 2012 5:55 PM

Eye Opening

What I have appreciated about Facebook is the volume of information from other people and articles and which gives me confidence to share my concerns to my spouse on various topics that pertain to everyday living::food safety(GM food), dangers of vaccines, nuclear power plant dangers, government intervention in people's lives. I believe that the "Don't ask, don't tell is a thing of the past. I believe our Creator wants everyone informed and have a opportunity to make wise, Biblically based choices.The mainstream families now can make better choices for themselves and their communities. I have heard that when a spouse(a real post on FB) finds out about the dangers of vaccines and no longer wants to vaccine their children this has caused divorce. I believe that ignorance is not our friend and the Torah based lives we seek to live will benefit from information about the perils of our cultures. It gives the mainstream people a hope for a better life.

Rachel,
March 12, 2012 2:05 AM

You don't need facebook for this

I'm all for an open flow of info, but I don't see why you need Facebook for this. Why not read newspapers and news websites. Talk to your known friends. Google topics that concern you. I have no interest in FB because I really do not want to post my life out there for other people's consumption. If I want to send my friends pix of my family or info about an upcoming event, I'll email those individuals. I'm very well-informed about the issues you mention, but I don't need Facebook to do it -- especially if I were to use it the way many people do, with 800 or more "friends".

(3)
ruth housman,
March 11, 2012 5:27 PM

a man with two wives

I just read an article about a man who was exposed as having two wives, and of course they did not realize this until facebook made this apparent. He then confessed to bigamy.
Facebook has split apart many people, and has also brought disparate people together, as friends. It's surely a mixed bag, and it could be said for most innovations in the world, that often more connect is also more disconnect. We do live in a bipolar universe in which every step of the way, we have for advancement, a step backwards, and new ethical choice constantly. It seems the universe is so constructed. Perhaps for the very purposes of tikkun olam itself.

(2)
Divora Stern,
March 11, 2012 4:52 PM

weakness undermining marriages not Facebook

Oh come on now blame Facebook... It is the people, and their behaviors that weaken marriages. NOT information, and yes the internet is cited as a legal document. So now there is a convenient, public venue... see above post. But really do not blame the messenger, grow up and take responsibility, be a mench.

(1)
yitznewton,
March 11, 2012 2:55 PM

These arguments are unconvincing

If I may counter some of R' Slatkin's arguments:
- The evidence statistics cited do not prove that Facebook is in any way causative of divorce, only that it has become a convenient source of evidence in divorce proceedings. Or better, people are foolish or reckless enough to leave a record of their bad behavior where anyone can see it.
- Observing others with jealousy can be and has been done quite effectively without Facebook.
- Regarding dirty laundry, people ought to be educated in and committed to the issur of lashon ha-ra; this is the issue, not Facebook.
At the end of the day, the question really is: why are we so up in arms about saving marriage if it is this flimsy? The very perceived or real need for such a post suggests to me that the state of our society's relationship with marriage is the problem, and Facebook is only an expedient. This is a real and deep problem, relating in my view to the very way we view ourselves in the context of the group: namely, as individuals coming together, as opposed to components of a whole.

Anonymous,
March 11, 2012 7:38 PM

Facebook and divorce

Simply put, so many young women have been brainwashed to spend months planning a wedding that lasts a few hours, and they have done nothing with respect to on-the-ground plans for the future, once she and her husband begin their lives together.
I hope this comment will be helpful to whoever reads it.

I’ve heard the argument made that Jews should not buy German products, for example Volkswagen cars which used Jewish slave labor during the war. It is wrong for Jews to support German industries?

My cousin says we should just forgive and forget. I would like your thoughts on the subject.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The great rabbi known as the Chazon Ish once said that if a Torah scroll was found burning, and a man used it to light his cigarette, there is no Jewish law that forbids it. Nevertheless, doing so would show a lack of sensitivity. So too, Jewish law does not forbid purchasing a German car.

Regarding the "demand for forgiveness," people often quote the Bible that when one is struck, it is proper to "turn the other cheek" and allow that cheek to be struck as well. But that only appears in the Christian Bible. Jews believe in fighting actively against evil.

Almost all people are inherently good and so we should forgive their lapses. But some people are truly evil – for example, Amalek, the ancient nation which wantonly attacked the Jews leaving Egypt.

Over two millennia ago when Haman (a descendant of Amalek) was commanded by the king to lead his enemy Mordechai through the streets of Shushan, Mordechai was too weak to climb on to the horse. Haman had to stoop to allow Mordechai to use his back as a stepping stool. In the process, Mordechai delivered a vicious kick to Haman which obviously startled him.

Turning to Mordechai in bewilderment, Haman asked: "Does it not say in your Bible, 'Do not rejoice at your enemy's downfall?'" Mordechai responded that indeed it does, but it refers only to people less evil than Haman. So too, we have no reason or allowance to forgive the Nazis and their helpers. Those who scraped the concrete in the gas chambers gasping for air can choose whether to forgive the Germans. We cannot.

In 1977, Egyptian President Anwar Sadat addressed the Knesset in Jerusalem. Sadat was the first Arab leader to officially visit Israel, after receiving an invitation from Menachem Begin. Sadat had orchestrated the Egyptian attack on Israel in the 1973 Yom Kippur War, but after suffering defeat became resigned to the existence of the State of Israel. Much of the Arab world was outraged by Sadat's visit and his change of strategy. One year later, Sadat and Begin signed the Camp David Peace Agreement, for which they received the Nobel Peace Prize. As part of the deal, Israel withdrew from the Sinai peninsula in phases, returning the entire area to Egypt by 1983.

There are many tasks, jobs, and chores that we will end up
doing whether we really enjoy doing them or not. Many hours of our lives are spent this way. The late Rabbi Chaim Friedlander, of Ponevehz Yeshivah, used to say, "If you are going to do it anyway, do it with joy."

Train a young lad according to his method, so that when he grows older he will not deviate from it (Proverbs 22:6).

He shall not deviate from it - the child will not deviate from the method with which he was taught. That method refers to the way we are taught to adapt to life's many hurdles, struggles, and tests.

Education consists of more than just imparting knowledge; it also means training and preparation in how to deal with life. Knowledge is certainly important, but is by no means the sum total of education.

"A person does not properly grasp a Torah principle unless he errs in it" (Gittin 43b). People usually do not really grasp anything unless they first do it wrong. In fact, the hard way is the way to learn. Children learn to walk by stumbling and picking themselves up; young people learn to adjust to life by stumbling and picking themselves up.

Parents and teachers have ample opportunities to serve as role models for their children and students, to demonstrate how to adapt to mistakes and failures. If we show our children and students only our successes, but conceal our failures from them, we deprive them of the most valuable learning opportunities.

We should not allow our egos to interfere with our roles as educators. Parents and teachers fulfill their obligations when they become role models for real life.

Today I shall...

try to share with others, especially with younger people, how I have overcome and survived my mistakes.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...