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Sunday, January 12, 2014

India’s Bai-lateral relationship with US – It’s complicated!

The arrest of Devyani Gobarkhate over claims that she had lied on a visa form for her domestic help, lead to the bai-lateral relationship between US and India hitting an all-time low. After she was publicly handcuffed, strip-searched, kept in a cell with drug addicts like this Al-Qa’da terrorist who had come to have a blast in the US, India, instead of its usual stance of condemning an act and forgetting all about it in a couple of days, retaliated fiercely.

In a rare show of maturity and unbridled bravado, security barriers outside the US embassy in New Delhi were removed and US diplomats and their families were denied special privileges. In short, they are now subjected to the common man treatment. “We will deal with them exactly the same way they we deal with the citizens of our country – pretend they don't exist” – said Rabies Shanker Prasad, leader of the opposition Bharatiya Janata Party.

In a shocking development, when a US diplomat lost his way in Delhi fog and mistakenly overtook Robot Vadra’s cavalcade – the country’s most important son-in-law – he was promptly strip- searched and made to spend the night outside the police station in freezing cold. He is now recovering from pneumonia at Ram Manohar Lohia hospital, where attendants only communicate in Hindi.

Political leaders from both the ruling and opposition parties said bai-bai to an American congressional delegation visiting Delhi instead of meeting them. US-visa-reject and BJP’s candidate for Prime Minister, Narendra Moody, announced that the Patel Motel Association of USA will admit only those guests who can sing Falguni Pathak hits. Indian run 7-11 stores will henceforth be closing by 5 to protest Ms Gobarkhate’s shabby treatment.

India, that has too often been dismissed as a toothless crone that protests noisily but seldom bites, took the United States aback with this rare show of fangs. India stepped up the pressure last week ahead of the Jan 13 court appearance where Ms Gobarkhate could be indicted: it ordered the US embassy in Delhi to serve only chicken tikka masala pizza, aloo burger and paneer makhni hotdogs to American expatriates. In yet another crafty move, calls from irate passengers dying to let off steam at airline staff for fog-cancelled flights were redirected to the American embassy.

It had the desired effect, Ms Gobarkhade was promptly indicted and sent back to India with diplomatic immunity. United States’ limitless tolerance for Pakistan's backyard terrorism and zero tolerance towards imbeciles who treat their maids like we do in India is well known. When International Monetary Fund chief, Dominique Strauss-Kahn was arrested in New York City on charges of sexually assaulting a hotel maid, he was marched into the police precinct in handcuffs before an assembled bank of photographers with only his wife and Shiney Ahuja as his pillars of support.

Image courtesy - Twitter.com

Worldwide Association of Maids (WAM) has hailed the US of A as the only nation that realizes their true worth. Indian maids are now threatening to run off to Amrika every time their memsahib rebukes them for clanging utensils too loudly while washing them. Parents are petrified that their Einsteins-in-making might ditch their IIT JEE classes in favour of nannyship that pays upwards of 4.5 grand in US dollars. Stay at home, hands on Moms have discovered a new found respect for themselves. After it emerged that that US embassy paid for Sangeeta Richard’s family’s air-tickets to New York even before she complained of being underpaid, many Indians whose visas had been previously rejected are now reapplying as maids.

Impressed with America’s show of solidarity with the repressed and under-privileged AAM aurat, Arvind Kejriwal has magnanimously offered them the use of Jhadoo as their new national emblem.

Meanwhile, Uttam Gobarkhate, Devyani’s father has hailed her as an “Aadarsh” nari fighting to save India’s sovereignty. Devyani in turn has lauded him as an Aadarsh dad for threatening to have her maid's family abducted and to frame them on false drug charges. She has urged other fellow Indians and supporters to celebrate everyday as Her Father’s Day for the rest of 2014.

Expressing bitter disappointment at Ms Gobarkhate’s indictment, India said that its ties with US are now like potholes on Delhi roads and will take forever to repair. “We were expecting a clean chit for Devyani like we gave her in the Aadarsh scam case but US has made it clear to the rest of the world that it prefers maids to diplomats.”, said Salmom Khurshid's secretary. The Minister of External Affairs, in Las Vegas to study their drainage system, was unavailable for comment.

In yet another blow to the US, India expelled an American diplomat of a similar rank as Devyani. It is now considering moving the American embassy from Shantipath to Geeta Colony, right next to Billoo’s herbal parlour offering aunty pimple, aunty scare, aunty rinkle treatments. Salmom Khurshid’s office clarified that these measures are not hostile but an arrangement based of reciprocity. Let this be a lesson to other countries - you treat us like shit and we'll treat you like bullshit! Dare mess with India and we will replace alcohol in bottles you import with drinking water and make you watch DD Sports and DD Live for the rest of your stay.

It is learnt that once Devyani Gobarkhade takes up Samajwadi Party’s offer of a Lok Sabha seat, instead of protesting and walking out of the assembly like the rest of her colleagues, she will write her memoir tentatively titled ‘The Bai who screwed me’. A-Musing has already been contacted to write a favourable review of her yet to be published book.

This is howl-arious!! Definitely worth a couple of shares. I don't think anyone else could have quite pulled this off as brilliantly as you did Purba. Amazing as always! And thank you for the laugh. My stomach still hurts.

Salmon Khursheed bared his fangs in view of the looming LS elections. Meanwhile tabloids are busy comparing Devyani's looks with Frieda Pinto. Loved the way you have incorporated current affairs in this hilarious piece.

hehehe Purba, this was so delightful. Poor Gobarkhate, what did she know that she could not pull strings that she had been used to pulling all her life to get out of a sticky situation. I tell you, it is so difficult to understand that some countries follow laws. After all, in India if you are rich and connected, laws don't apply!

It was so embarrassing to see India put up a childish display of so called retaliatory measures. We have our priorities totally screwed up, where territorial invasion is dealt with no action but only empty threats.

Ah! You and your "bai" love is legendary...and it produces the best of the sarcasm...I am really glad to finally read something that doesn't favor Devyani blindly as if all our patriotism relied on whether or not we support her.

On the writing, I always like your sarcastic posts more because of the sheer effort it takes to construct every sentence as it's not merely a flow of thoughts. Very well written!

I agree that a diplomat being subjected to strip-search just because her maid had filed a complaint, was completely unnecessary. But this is how US Law enforcement works. It spares nobody, not even when the accused happens to be the chief of IMF.

Oh, and thank you. I am going through this "I hate my writing" phase. This felt like a balm for the soul :-)

What a post. Bai-lateral realtions! Speechless. Hahas, heehees, rofls and smileys will have to suffice.

Strip-search was, indeed, taking it too far. Even the handcuffs. A stiff fine, making her pay for the bai's ticket back, compensation for underpaying the bai - would have sufficed. It would have given them moral authority. Their desire to humiliate others (remember the Iranian prisoner photos -prisoners in their own country?) makes me scornful - lose all respect.

This is a once in life time opportunity when all political parties have united with eyes set for the forthcoming elections and each one trying to outdo other where poor Devayani is still wondering how she will be ever united with her family again!

You made your point as sarcastically as possible. This incident was a typical one how India as a nation behaves without doing proper home works. Once again the nation has proved that it cares only for its rich and connected citizens! But when you use this kind of sarcasm against the mighty ones, you should be careful. They are not so broadminded to tolerate such criticisms!

What irked me most was that there was another incident that had occurred around the same time as this.. where an Indian sailor was jailed in Togo and his family awaited his return to cremate his dead baby... The Indian govt. did nothing till media and social pressure built up on them :|

That was a pretty round up of what happened. The good part is that Indian Government did DO something this time, but the bad part is that Devyani (as per the existing laws) has wronged; even when the manner in which she has been wronged is more wrong than her own wrong. But just like so many wrongs don't make my sentence right, but for the sake of theatricality which seems to be the selling formula these days, lets just focus on what was implied and let the smaller corruption drown under the cries of justice for the larger vice.

(I thought that you misspelled it, and it was kind of amusing. But then when everyone was misspelled, I figured out it was intentional and it was all the more amusing :D)

There was a common meme which was doing the rounds, which stated that if India had problem with any country, refusing to play cricket with them was the highest level of reciprocating their anger.Nice to see some change and some action, though I doubt if it was actually worth it ;-)

It is Devyani.s sheer luck that this happened when it happened-when our govt had come out of coma.Her credentials are murky but so is the treatment meted out to her and other related issues.Hell!it is a cesspool.

See, how deeply you inspired me with your Geeta Kalony zoke! Vastu states that you must name your academy - Falguni Music Corner and look for a location near teesra wala golchakkar, right next to Pappu Papdi.