Battle Restaurant Brawl Locales: IHOP vs. McDonald's

What the hell is wrong with people these days? Stories of violence and fights in restaurants have splattered the news like so many teeth being knocked out of some dude who was just waiting for his hot syrup.

The weekend brunch crowd, filled with families and children, lacks fighting types. The toughs go to Denny's. There's so many people that there's not much brawling space, but the entrance does sport an open area with spectator seating. Sure, management will tell you that the seats are for people waiting to be seated. Whatever. The area's also lacking the softening of carpet found in the dining area. But it also means no rug burn.

Robin Wheeler

Tile = good fightin' turf.

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IHOP offers a good choice of weapons, what with their real china plates, real cutlery, chairs and tables that aren't bolted to the floor, hot carafes of coffee given to just anyone, and the potential for the satisfying wallop of a syrup jar whacking someone upside the head, its contents rendering the victim unable to move and at risk for biting fly attacks.

Robin Wheeler

Four syrup death punch.

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If you're going to fight at IHOP, you should opt against eating their food. Do you think you can spar after eating this?

Robin Wheeler

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And chased with these?

Robin Wheeler

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You're not going to be fighting if you eat that pile. If you do fight, there's a good chance your opponent's going straight for the gut punch, which will rupture your intestines and kill you with septicemia.

During our visit, we inadvertently learned just how fast an ambulance can get to the Chesterfield IHOP. An elderly customer fell in the parking lot, hitting her head on the curb. Response from the 911 operator was less than satisfactory; she snapped, "You're standing in front of the building. The address is right there," even though Gut Check was not standing in front of the restaurant when making the call. Luckily, we weren't the first to call 911 about the incident, but despite being a well-populated, busy area, it took almost 10 minutes for help to arrive. We hope the victim is recovering, and will use her experience to think twice about fighting at this IHOP location.