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Thursday, April 19, 2012

It's the most wonderful time of the year: NHL playoffs. From now until June, we are blessed with good teams playing puck, heroes and villains being made on a nightly basis, increases in stress and facial hair, and the quest for Lord Stanley's Cup. When the playoff matchups came around, every hockey fan became excited with the fact that the Philadelphia Flyers were facing the Pittsburgh Penguins in the first round. Everyone expected a plethora of hits, taunting, cheap shots, fights, and some goals in between. Needless to say, after 4 games we have gotten our fair share. 45 goals. The number of penalty minutes almost equals the length of a weekend. There's been hair pulling. Everything you could ask for in a series. It's been fun to watch. The question is, how can it become more fun? For all you readers who are 21+, or in college (let's face it, everyone drinks in college), I bring to you the Flyers/Penguins Playoff Drinking game. Here are the specifics:

Drink for every goal- Normally this wouldn't do much, but 45 goals in 4 games is pretty impressive. Spice it up a bit by drinking a second for the total score.

Drink everytime you see Sidney Crosby's mustache- Another easy target. That thing is grotesque. It makes me want to drink just thinking about it now.

THROWDOWN SHOWDOWN!- This can be interesting. Any time two players square off for a good ol' fashion fight, quickly pick a partner and pick sides on which player will win. The person choosing the losing fighter must finish the rest of their beverage immediately. In the case of one of those tie-ups where the refs step in and break it up, both combatants must drink 5 seconds (you know, representing the minutes each player will get in the penalty box).

Drink 5 seconds for every 5 hole Fleury gives up- Marc-Andre Fleury is having one of the worst playoff goaltending performances of all time. He looks concussed out there. Anyways, with the absurd amount of goals he's given up right between his legs, it only makes sense to honor the '5-hole' by drinking 5 seconds.

The Pick-A-Player Palooza- Hopefully you'll be watching the games (and drinking) with friends. Hopefully it is with a large crowd. This game allows everyone in the room to pick one player on Philly and one player on Pitt, and if the chosen player gets thrown out of the game, everyone else must finish their beverage except for the lucky winner. Things may get ugly.

The Benedict Arnold Rule- The NBC sports commentators sometimes run out of things to say, and at times repeat many obvious facts throughout a series. Therefore, everyone in the room must drink when an announcer mentions that Jaromir Jagr and/or Max Talbot used to play for the Penguins. You'd be surprised at how many times it has been mentioned over the past 4 games, sadly.

The Hair of the Hartnell That Bit You Rule- Drink everytime you realize you can easily spot Scott Hartnell out on the ice due to his sweet flow. That is some hairdo he's rocking these days, so we must appreciate it and give credit where credit is due.

The Pierre Mcguire Rule- The sports world has its fair share of weirdo sideline reporters. The NBA has Craig Sager and his terrible looking suits. Baseball has Joe Buck who hates everyone not named the St. Louis Cardinals. The NHL has Pierre Mcguire, that bald and bespectacled little creep who stands inbetween the two teams benches. To help combat how creepy he is with this weird smirk when talking to players who clearly do not want to be spoken to, and the fact that he resembles Tweety Bird, everyone in the room shall drink everytime he speaks, is mentioned, is seen on camera, or thought of. You're all welcome for this rule.

Wayne Simmonds Rule- Wayne Simmonds. Wayne. Simmonds. That name is just so awesome. It reminds me of Shaft. Would you ever mess with someone named Shaft? No. Would you ever mess with someone named Wayne Simmonds? Didn't think so. Drink each time you hear his silky-smooth sounding name is said.

Chickening Out Rule- Again, he's too easy of a target, but drink each time Sidney Crosby shys away from a scrum or fight. I realize he sort of fought Claude Giroux in game 3, but that was a rare occurrance.

So there you have it, simple yet effective. It's been a pleasure seeing these two teams kick the crap out of each other. Gets the point across pretty easily. I'd recommend only playing some select rules, and not all of them at once. Playing every rule simultaneously will lead to excess vomit, memory loss, and bad decisions. Other than that, enjoy. Oh, and Go Bruins.

Monday, April 2, 2012

When I first learned that a song called 'Call Me Maybe' was quickly sweeping the nation, I was skeptical. This Carly Rae Jepsen character seemed like the next Rebecca Black, which meant I would have to do a blog about every single she released until she croked. Needless to say, when I heard the song for the second time (first time being in a state of utter shock and confusion that the lyrics weren't a joke), it hit me that Jepsen is the real deal. I shall now tell you why.

She's Canadian- Canada has been turning out some A-listers in the very recent future. For years, Canada has just be regarded as 'America's Hat', or 'France's Ugly Cousin', or just cold and boring, but look at the list of celebrities that have come from this tundra: Bieber, Drake, Ryan Gosling (!), Pam Anderson, Barenaked Ladies, Chandler from Friends, Arcade Fire, Marty McFly, Jim Carrey, Avril Lavigne, Keanu Reeves, the list just goes on and on! Unlike Miley Cyrus or that terrible satan-esque diva Rebecca Black, Jepsen has probably ice skated, been to Toronto, and has tried something from Tim Horton's (it's a donut shop right?). Laugh now, but pretty soon Canada will be taking over the world.

The music video- Holy hell. What a twist at the end! I will sadly admit that I laughed when the jacked dude with the sweet 'the sky is the limit' tat on his chest turned out to have the hots for the hipster guitarist. I can't tell if the purpose of this video was to be corny on purpose (the romance novel cover part, the guitarist moonwalking, the car washing thing, etc.) or it was naturally corny, but it actually made me laugh. I kept watching this video thinking it would be as bad as Rebecca Black's 'Friday' video, but I just couldn't bring myself to hate it. It was like watching a car wreck happen but both drivers were okay. It's not pretty, you can't look away from it, and afterwards you're relieved everything is alright.

Jepsen herself- There is no way this chick is 26 years old. This is one of those moments where you have to take for granted that Wikipedia might not always be accurate due to people lying on there. Be honest with yourself, when you first saw her, you thought she was in the 14-17 age range. The fact that she was born in 1986 is mindboggling. You know who else was born in 1986? Casey Anthony. Lady GaGa. Robert Pattinson. The Olsen Twins. That attention whore Lana Del Rey. Bill Buckner death threats. Linsday Lohan. Looking back on it now 1986 gave birth to a lot of weirdos. Anyways, Jepsen is interesting. She finished 3rd on Canadian Idol (lol), has a haircut that makes it look like she doesn't have a forehead/eyebrows, and looks 14. Talk about the makings of superstar. I don't know if I'm getting old or just giving up on life, because normally I would automatically hate her, but I just can't do it. I'm not sure if I'm just confused and baffled or intrigued by her, but for some reason I don't hate her for giving the world this song.

The song itself- It is catchy. It's almost too catchy. Not annoyingly catchy like 'Friday', but it is close. The song's popularity has skyrocketed over the past month. Just the other day I saw two guys who looked like they were part of Lil Jon's posse drive down my street in a mini van bumping 'Call Me Maybe'. I mean sure, they lost all their street cred, but they were smiling and singing along. This song is reaching levels of popularity that just appeals to everyone. All my roommates love it. Every girl I know loves it. My mom probably loves it. It's popluar enough that I'm writing a blog on it. When you actualy break the song down, it's pretty pointless. The lyrics kind of suck. It's stupid. This being said, it is stupid, yet effective. It makes you want to dance. Not since the infamous Macarena has a song influenced so many outbreaks in dancing in such a short span.

The mystery- Why is there some doubt? Having that 'maybe' thrown into the mix is a real game changer. Is Jepsen being coy? Playing hard to get? Does she want the intended target to call or is she just being nice? Exactly what is her phone number? Is Canada considered a long-distance phonecall? If I were the intended target, I'd be on the fence about calling her. That maybe would just throw me for a loop. This is a topic that I will bring up to my Women's Psychology class this week. This addition of the word 'maybe' is a fine example of why men don't know what women want. Hey girls, if you want a guy to do something or not do something, just be clear with us. We are simpletons. We don't know what you're saying if you're trying to be mysterious. In most cases, it backfires and you end up writing on your facebook status how all guys suck blah blah blah. If you're direct and honest with us, we will know what to do and hopefully make you happy. All this 'maybe' bullshit just confuses us. If I met a girl at a party, she gave me her number, but then said 'call me maybe', I'd feel like it would be a lost cause. Girls suck. In fact, I've made up my mind just now. Carly Rae Jepsen sucks. Disregard this whole blog post. She pisses me off. Maybe. Why did she have to throw in that maybe? Now I'm going to be up all night pondering this. Dammit.

I do have to thank one person for this topic, and that is Hofstra's finest, Annik Spencer. I mean I haven't had a good topic to write about in months, and her text message asking me to do this blog was perfect. For the record, if anyone else has good blog topic ideas, just text me. These days I'll write about anything. So Annik, thank you. You have officially been shouted out.