Tag Archives: Ice Queen

I’m awash in guilt right now because I replied to a few messages on an alternative dating website. My God, this is pathetic! Why am I so convinced masochism is wrong that sending a few replies makes me feel like spilling my own blood in punishment?

There are many possibilities: 1. I’m broken and it is unfair to foist myself on another person

2. All I do it hurt people; it is unfair to foist myself on another person

3. I’m worthless. Even if, by some miracle, someone fell in love with me, I wouldn’t deserve happiness.

4. Masochism is simply another outlet for self-hate and therefore it is unhealthy. As a result, even considering engaging in it makes me feel guilty.

5. For me, masochism is “sick” and I’m a disgusting, freak for doing it.

9. Engaging in sadomasochistic behavior with sadists encourages abuse (I don’t think this, but a therapist told me this once, maybe deep down I believe her) 10. Once I engage in masochism again, my needs will evolve and it’ll become unsafe.

or 11. some reason I’m not thinking of…

I think it must be the masochism, not just dating in general because vanilla dating never made me feel guilty, whereas this has always been a shameful secret for me. That only leaves 3 of the above choices: 1. Masochism is simply another outlet for self-hate and therefore it is unhealthy. As a result, even considering engaging in it makes me feel guilty. 2. For me, masochism is “sick” and I’m a disgusting, freak for doing it. or3. Engaging in sadomasochistic behavior with sadists encourages abuse (I don’t think this, but a therapist told me this once, maybe deep down I believe her). 4. Once I engage in masochism again, my needs will evolve and it’ll become unsafe.

1. Maybe it is an outlet for self-hate, but it does make me feel better. Is that so wrong? Then again, I could say my eating disorder makes me feel better and most people agree it is wrong.

2. Why would it be sick for me and not someone else? Because sometimes I think the depth of my masochism makes it pathological. I’m not sure if this has merit or not.