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This weekend, more than 600 people gathered in Pioneer Square to set the extremely auspicious record of the most people eating waffles in bed. Which is cool and all, but did they make a glowing monkey? Or embarrass Nick Cannon by being the most huggable human on Earth? Nope. But these folks did. Here are the 13 mightiest world records set in the Beaver State.

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The longest 24-hour rollerblade ride

Technically, the official record name is “Greatest distance on inline skates (rollerblades) in 24 hours (women)," but that’s a mouthful to say when you’re in a Portland bar bragging about having skated 283.07 miles in a day. Even better? Kimberly Ames probably blended in with the hipsters just tooling around town on these stupid things.

Oldest footwear

Well, it’s the oldest “accurately dated” footwear ever discovered, but still, finding 10 pairs of old sandals in Fort Rock Cave dating back 9,300-10,500 years is impressive. More impressive is that some shoemaker on Mississippi or Alberta hasn’t tried to replicate them.

First bioluminescent primate

“Oh, we just made a glow-in-the-dark monkey using jellyfish DNA. NBD,” said the OHSU scientists who apparently haven’t seen Jurassic Park, The Fly, The Fly II, The Island of Dr. Moreau, Congo, Monkey Shines, Sharktopus, or my effing nightmares.

Most three-pointers made in a minute

So wait, some kid in Tigard sunk 25 threes in a minute, and we’re all butthurt about Aldridge defecting? Sign this kid immediately.

Tallest female twins

So wait, we’ve got a set of identical twins who clock in at 6’ 7” in Milwauke, and we’re all butthurt about Aldridge defecting. Sign these kids -- aw, never mind. We’re still butthurt.

World’s smallest park

Mill Ends Park is ridiculous. But people -- including one of our writers -- love the little Charlie Brown tree in a planter that we call a park. But then a funny thing happened. Some Brits wanted the title for their 30x15ft park, and said Mill Ends isn’t even a park. Brits can’t tell us what we can and can’t call a park, dammit. So send this decree to the Queen Mother: Mill Ends is Portland’s finest achievement! And if you’re gonna get your knickers in a bunch, we challenge you to a duel at the Washington Park archery range... even though Washington isn’t half the park Mill Ends is.

World’s largest squash

Just think of all the dinners you could make grosser by divvying up the 1,578lb gourd grown in Gervais for roasting on Thanksgiving.

World’s largest purchasable hamburger

It weighs 777lbs, is made on a gigantic custom grill, packs over a 1.25 million calories, and looks like one of the obstacles from Double Dare. And for $5,000, this Corvallis-born monster can be yours!

First man to give birth

An Oregon woman became an Oregon man, but kept the ol’ ovaries in tact and made history. Alas, Danny DeVito was not involved.

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Largest collection of fireman’s patches

There are some 8,158 patches in Bob Brooks’ collection over in Albany. And, we’re presuming, at least one copy of Backdraft.

Fastest half marathon finished while skipping without a rope

Some dude named Ashrita Furman holds more than 500 Guinness records. Probably because it’s easy to hold the record for shit that he just made up. Like this one. Where he just kind of skipped a half marathon on Sauvie Island. Thankfully, none of this happened on the nude section of the island. Because all that slapping would really kill the tranquility of the beach.

Most cartwheels in an hour

1,714 of them. That’s 28.67 per minute. Followed by the world’s longest case of nausea.

Most hugs given in an hour

OK, so this dude just lost his record. But hear me out. Because for a while, Nick Vujicic held the record for giving 1,749 hugs in an hour in Deschutes County. Oh, also he has no arms or legs. So he probably still holds the record for most arm/legless hugs given in an hour. A couple years ago, Nick Cannon tried to take the record and failed, despite having arms and legs. Then he went home and naked-hugged Mariah Carey. Point is, Nick Cannon’s a prick. And Nick Vujicic is a hero.

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Andy Kryza is a senior editor at Thrillist, and holds zero records, except when he goes to Mississippi Records. Follow him to placid underachievement: @apkryza.