Gerard’s Space

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Life is fluid and changing each day.

I am back home again in my parents’ home. My father had kept in contact by phone which is something he never did in the past. On one of these talks which went on for over twenty minutes he told me he was on his own and he did not understand how he has not gone mad with the way life has thought everything at him all at the same time. He then told me life was wrong in what it did to you, you never hurt anyone and it did this horrible thing. I cry listening to my eighty-one year old father trying to understand life. I started to come to terms with the sickness I have and what it is doing to my life and my family. In two years if it carries on the way it is I will not be mobile any more. Daniel will have a different partner then. Older and a burden. The care I am receiving here in Ballina care hospital is outstanding; however, I am in a room sharing with five old gentlemen who all are coming to the last years of their life. They are not booming with life and in most cases do not want to live, I on the other hand do. It is not the approached place for my aftercare as I need to be positive and that is in very short supply here.

Everything here appears to me personally to be fixed in the doom day that is coming. Coming to terms with the cards dealt to me is the many different ways you find yourself in before you come to the position you take on the day. Each day is fluid and changing and I must say to myself, just because today seem fixed and never changing it can and will in time. I decided there and then to go home to be with my Father who was on his own. I was finding this place was not helping me with my aftercare at all, it was depleting my spirits and each day I stay here the more and more I was heading in this way.

One is reasonability for one own health and the decisions that you can make. At this time thank God I can still request to sign out and that is what I did on Friday. I also wanted to clear up a few facts with my doctor there on the cancer. I told my Father my decision. It made his day. He told me it is our time now and we will do everything to enjoy these special day. I will come in for you now. I told him there a bit of paperwork for me to settle before I will be coming home, it’s more than likely it will be tomorrow. I will phone you Dad.

That night after bedtime I asked to talk to one of the staff who I had taken to in private. After her long hours of work in the late hours in the morning we talked. It did me a lot for me. The hours these staff do is outstanding and no one knows. I went back to my room later, smells, noise and all that goes with six people in one long room. I told myself, why put myself and father thought all this because I want to do something now I should have done years ago. I have a beautiful home with love waiting there for me and I choose this. I will need aftercare until I can take over my life again and in an apartment on my own I cannot do that. My walking has suffered because of the radiation to my spine and it will take time to recover. Finding a fix for Daniel to be here for over two years takes time as all applications for college places in Ireland must be made from where you are resided. Daniel and I are on line twenty-four hours, thank to my internet. We have a course arrange that will fulfil this and all we have to do now is put into action and he is here for two years.

Paperwork is our lives, hopping onto a plain and then been forced out of the country after his special six months runs out is not on our cards. Like it or not that the time that I seem to have. Again I have hope and this end I want to be on. At the same time I do not want him to waste his time here. I have insisted while here he take on a course that will lead to a Masters. Charter Accounts is the field he has chosen as he has already a Bachelor’s on another course and is bilingual in Spanish and English. That gives me peace of mind knowing he will be here and there will be something at the end of the line for him.

Waiting for Daniel paperwork to come through with no complications is now our wait. We hope by next month Daniel and I will be together. Until this happens I still need aftercare and my father wants me home, my hearth is longing to be there also with the dog and all that goes with a home.

This is Saturday, and still no sign of this doctor I want to see to sign me out. The time slips away and now it is, 3pm. All the time there I was in contact with my brother who was trying to settle a deal with the sale of my van. I made enquiries as to why it was taking so long. Then out of the blue came the response. Can you not stay until tomorrow as the doctor is not here? I told her as quickly as her response I am leaving here today.

Another hour was approaching and still no sign of this doctor I had requested a day before to see. I looked at all these old men and thought to myself can they leave, or are they been treated in the same way. Well I thought to myself I am going home if they like it or not. I approached reception in a manner that did not need words to say, this person is going home come St. Paul or whatever this place is called. To my suspire; the staff all agreed and seem excited I had done something, as this was not the place for a person like me with the will to live. They went out of their way to set up a short supply of very important drugs that treat my cancer. I phone my Father and went back to my room with my head up high. As I headed towards the waiting room a number of staff approached me and said that they will pray for me to find the strength to carry on with this burden of cancer. It was a nice thought; however, this sort of sad outlook is what I have to get away from. I have cards dealt to me and life understands them. I have given up a long time trying to understand life. I take life now a day at a time. That how I cope. To anyone who lives a structure life it is hard to understand; however, when advance cancer comes into your life you must adapt or give in to a life-like all that these old men here. I do not know about you; however, I do know that this is not the way for me.

I kept on thinking of my poor father coming for me. The last time he did that like the situation I am in now was when I was at school. It must be so hard on him knowing what is happening and trying to understand. I cry when the jeep came around the corner for me and there driving it was my eighty-one year old father. I could have got a taxi; however, my father and I wanted this moment together in private and that what we both had.

Sickness in a family brings terrible strain onto everyone and the person with it. We all say things that are very unfair. Remember; this is my blog, always have an open mind on everything I say. No matter what I say on my family they have their hands full with me, as I do with them; however, I would not trade them for anything in this world. We have our ups and downs. That what families do. They are there for you. You get out of them what you put in. Forgive is the secret I think.

I now have sold my van, next is my car and motorcycle. This money we need, until I can setup some form of support which I am working on. I cannot work as a professional driver anymore and it looks like my driving days will come to an end if the cancer carries on at this rate. Everyone in their own way are trying to guide me. It will I hope come well. That all I can look forward to. That all for now.

I love this car. I had many a happy time with it. Time change and now it has to go.