Blogroll

What are you looking for?

So…I think I just want to be happy….

Yesterday was Monday, January 17th; it was Martin Luther King Day, which means that school was out an extra day to commemorate the late Dr. King. I normally spend the weekend perusing through my Civil Rights history, trying to feel a connection with my fallen ancestors and celebrate black pride. This year, though, I spent my weekend flaking out on receiving an honor that I should be proud of, falling in complete and utterly supreme like/lust with my 28-year old, crazy as hell step-cousin from Kansas City who is super straight and has three kids (let’s call her Speed; there WILL be a post about her later), continuously pissing off these kin folks of mine, and completely re-working my plans after high school. Yeah, my weekend’s been kinda intense….

I’ve learned something about myself throughout this weekend, though; something I don’t necessarily like. Everything I’ve done up to this point has been for the satisfaction of another person, and that’s not good. I can’t even remember the last time I’ve been happy. I’m always stressed because I’m tryna meet everyone’s expectations and potentials for me. I remember last year I wanted to kill myself because the pressure was becoming too great. Too many people pulling me in different directions, whispering in my ear, and my dumb ass tried to become every whispered word, but I guess I just wanted to feel accepted….I don’t know.

Anyway, after almost 18 years of people-pleasing, I’ve decided to do something completely foreign to my nature: I’m gonna live my life to make me happy, and while I’m open to suggestions, my happiness WILL be the deciding factor for my decisions from now on. I won’t lie; it’s a little scary. I know a LOT of people (people I respect and look up to) will disappointed and will try to discourage me from taking the path that I choose, but I can’t let them run my life. I made my first decision this week to move to Louisiana with my family after I graduate high school and attend Louisiana College in my hometown for about a year instead of going straight to Tulane or UGA. The kin folks will be upset no doubt because according to them, I should be in Harvard or something (which, to be completely honest, is pretty damn possible for me). They’ll tell me that I’m ruining my life and wasting my potential. They’ll say that they had such high hopes for me and express how disappointed they are (I think I should note here that when I say something about my family, I’m talking about my family on my mother’s side who live in Louisiana; the kin folks are the people on Dad’s side).

I don’t care, though. I may have left my family 7 years ago, but my heart’s still there. I haven’t emotionally developed past 10 years old. Instead of growing, all I’ve done is repress my true, child-like emotions and replace them with bitter cynicism and ambivalence. I have not truly been in-tune with my feelings since I lived in Louisiana with my family, and I feel like that’s where I need to be to finally mature into the stable, emotionally well-rounded woman that I set out to be since childhood. I need my family, and the kin folks won’t understand. They want me to have the best, but the best isn’t what’s necessarily best FOR me; I know where I need to be. I’m so excited to take this first step to my personal satisfaction. Happiness is finally in my path, and I’m ready for it.

One Comment to “So…I think I just want to be happy….”

Heavy stuff, homie. When we are younger, we tend to have this burning desire to please everyone because I dunno maybe we think that’s the proper thing to do. As you get older, you realize that there is only one person you have to face in the mirror each morning…..you. Growing up is awesome because you get the chance to explore what does/doesn’t bring value and happiness to your life.

Break out of the chains of wanting to be everyone’s everything. Be crazy and amazing every chance you get. Peace.