(Yet Another) Visit With the Stranger From the East

AUTHOR’S NOTE: If you don’t know who Carnac the Magnificent is, I hate you because you’re probably much younger than I am. If you don’t understand this bit, that’s why Al Gore invented Youtube. Previous episodes of Rogo-nac the Tremendous can be found here. On that note…

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen. As welcome as Jason Grilli at Comerica Park, it is now time once again for a visit from the Great Stranger from the East. He is the seer of all seers, the smartest man he knows, and Wilson Betemit’s personal arm strength coach. Heaven has no star brighter than Rogo-nac the Tremendous!

/Rogo-nac enters and trips on the stage

Are you okay, oh great one?

I’m fine…I’m fine. I don’t remember that step being there…perhaps I’ll blame it on Dave Dombrowski for no reason.

A common practice, superior one. Now, I hold in my hand a large stack of envelopes. Even a blindfolded Richard Bernstein could see that they have been hermetically sealed and have been kept hidden within the scouting report given to Justin Verlander on Jim Thome. No one knows the contents of these envelopes, but YOU, in your mystical and borderline-divine way, will ascertain the answers having never before seen the questions. Are you ready, sir?

I guess…assuming we have time. You talk a lot…

Hermetically sealed…

I understand.

Within Verlander’s scouting reports of Jim Thome.

Where no one seemingly has ever looked. Let’s get on with this.

Ladies and gentlemen, the first envelope!

Rogo-nac must have COMPLETE SILENCE!

Rogo-nac often receives nothing but silence.

May your team’s big mid-season trade acquisition be rumored to be Jeremy Guthrie.

Yuck. Please sir, the first envelope.

/puts envelope to forehead

A panda, a tiger chameleon, and a blue-sided tree frog.

/rip…poof

Name three things more endangered than David Purcey in the bullpen.

Hoho…yes. I hope they release him, sir.

/puts envelope to forehead

Drooling, illiteracy, and whining.

Hmmm…okay.

/rip…poof

What are the three main qualities needed to comment at mLive?

YES! Oh, hohoho…you sound like an editor at Bless You Boys when you say that.

/puts envelope to forehead

The Tooth Fairy and a clean inning from Daniel Schlereth.

/rip…poof

Name two things that don’t exist.

Ugh…Schlereth is awful, oh great one. Correct again.

/puts envelope to forehead

A keg of beer, a loaf of rye, and one of the FSD girls.

Beer…rye…one of the lovely FSD girls. Yes.

/rip…poof

Name three things that have yeast.

HIYOOOOO…hohoho…uncalled for. Those girls are beautiful and talented young women. And haven’t you used that joke before with other…

May a blogger that updates their site twice a month pester you into more unfunny Rogo-nac bits.

Oh…sorry.

/puts envelope to forehead

Click, click, boom!

Click, click, boom…

/rip…poof

Describe the sound Joel Zumaya’s arm makes.

Hahaha…poor Joel. Will he ever return to us?

/puts envelope to forehead

Growth in employment, cheap gasoline, and Brandon Inge.

/rip…poof

Name three things you won’t find in Detroit for a while.

HOHOHOHOHOHO…poor Brandon. What will Wal-Mart do without the sales of his plus-sized female jerseys?