Monday, January 12, 2009

New Year’s Resolutions

Things that I will try to accomplish:

I want to complete the Memphis Runners Track Club 2009 Road Race Series. A note about this: already my right ankle is starting to hurt just thinking about this. I think of myself as a runner more than anything else and after all that other debate in my earlier post about what phys. ed. class to take I signed up for a running class that was offered at the same time as the swimming class. (I know, what could be more boring, right? But it fits better with my schedule and with my goals this year.)

More greens in the garden.

Fewer tubers.

More legumes.

Lots of peppers.

Things that I will not try to accomplish:

I will not try to climb Mt. Everest or any of the other giant mountains. If I do this and later blog about it, you all have permission to call me on this.

I will not personally study Mars. I will make no attempts to travel there and I will not try to map the surface of the Red Planet with robots or anything else. The same goes for all the other planets as well.

I will not hunt any penguins. If I do, I will do it in their element, mano a mano. You can't really call hunting penguins 'hunting' if you do it on the land. If (not when) I try this, it will be in the water with nothing but the tools God gave me. Penguins, you are safe. But if God is reading this and decides to equip me with the tools of a seal or an orca, watch out. You have been warned and your cute won't count at that point.

I don't plan on selling my art. Yep, I have art. Another, perhaps more accurate way of framing this "Thou shall not" goal is: I don't plan on selling my one and only piece of art. Just one. It is very nicely framed and it adorns a wall in my kitchen. Sorry people, not this year, but don't give up hope. When that pear goes up for auction, I will let you all know. And, just in case there is any doubt, you do want it. It is not 'very good'; it is perfect.

And despite how much others have begged me on this, I will not bring to pass world peace this year. Or end world hunger. Or save the whales. I will work on ending my own hunger this year and I hope for peace in my marriage (so far, so good). But you whales, I got nothing for you but this advice: duck and weave – in that order. If that doesn't work you might want to have your will already written. Sorry.

Things that I would like to see others accomplish:

Becky is trying to leave me, and I wish her luck. (Lucky thing for proof reading, because I accidentally wrote "I wish her lick." That is for a different list altogether, not here by any means. Luck, Becky, I wish you lick... I mean luck. Doh, I did again. Dang it!) She wants to move to Oakland. She has been looking for work there and she has started filling out applications for work there. If she gets a job she will take Gabe and Rosco and live in a box in a Bay Area back alley. All those homeless people in San Francisco and Silicon Valley are all public school teachers from the area.

Becky is planning on taking a group of students to Italy and Spain this summer.

President Elect Obama said he is planning on closing Guantanamo Bay when he is in office because of allegations of torture there. I say, why stop there? What I would like to see is the closing of all of west Texas. Anybody who has driven through there know that that whole place is torture. I would quote local residents, but nobody actually lives in west Texas. B.O., do us all this favor, please.

Talking about Texas brings me to this point: Texas, California, China, and Russia are all too big. I would like to see California split into three states: Northern California starting at Fresno and going north, the obvious Southern California would include Bakersfield and stretch to the border with Mexico, and in a move that is inspired by Michigan with its Upper Peninsula I think that LA and the Bay Area would be a good third state. Texas should be split into as many other states as possible with the only stipulations being that these new states are no bigger than Ohio and no smaller than Virginia. The only notable exception should be the area of the King Ranch which should become an autonomous nation. China and Russia should work on plans similar to the Texas plan. I don't know who can do these but, boy, would that bring change.

Things that I think would be SUPER cool to do… if I was somebody else.

I floated the idea around of mastering Beyonce's Single Ladies dance. There are things that I would love to do – be able to dance is one of them. You see, I am not a dancer. I can confidently answer The Killers "Are we human, or are we dancer?" question with a loud HUMAN. I love wiggling to the music but none of what I am capable of really qualifies as dancing by any stretch of the imagination. I started to think about the number of hours I would have to spend to learn this, and then when would I show anybody what I had accomplished? Sorry, I am leaving this one for Napoleon Dynamite, or maybe my friend Eve. Are you listening Eve? Now you know.

And now you know.

I will update periodically as I come up with other goals. Your suggestions are welcome here.

1 comment:

My deepest regrets, but my goals for this year are to finish things I've already started...so we'll have to leave beyonce's jig for 2010, seeing as how I'd not even heard of it til about 3 minutes ago. Surely Napoleon will carry on your torch...