~ God is up to something

Don’t Know What I was Thinking

Sometimes I really wonder what I was thinking and how I have gotten to where I am at now in life. I’ve spent a lot of time on it today. And it just hurts my heart.

My heart has now been broken by the same man yet again. I blame myself for this. It’s my own fault for letting the walls down and keeping them down. It’s my fault because I have chosen to continue to love even though he has not. It’s hard for me to let go. I invested everything but yet it wasn’t enough.

It’s never enough. I’m never enough. No matter how much I care. It doesn’t translate. It hurts more this time because I really loved. Like with my whole heart. So much so that I couldn’t stay mad. Not even with this. I can’t stay mad. I’m just hurt. It hurts to see someone you love move on.

I truly do want him to have nothing but happiness and success but I wish he would’ve communicated with me. Even in the past couple weeks but I guess the lack of communication was the communicating. Which means that he stopped caring and I didn’t matter. And that hurts. Because I’ve never stopped caring. He’s always mattered…since we had started this. And now there is nothing left. I feel like a shell. I’m hollow and I’m numb.

I thought he could see that I loved him for him and wanted him for him. I thought he felt the same way. I thought it would work out. There was a lot that I thought. There was a lot that I believed and hoped for and fought for.

I don’t want to do it again. I don’t want to let someone in. He broke down everything. He exposed everything of mine. I trusted him with everything. I would tell him anything and then he shut down and I didn’t want to bother him with my burdens and all I wanted was to help him carry his but he couldn’t let me.

My hope is that whoever she is she will break his walls down and he can trust her and let her love him, like he couldn’t let me.

But what I want most for him is to follow the Lord. I want him to put all his hope and trust in Jesus. He can’t live life without him, at least not a full life. Not the life that is planned for him. There is so much good in store for him. My heart breaks for him. I pray that she fights for him now. He needs someone to fight for him, guard him, and protect him. He needs someone in his corner to encourage him and challenge him and lift him up. I pray he finds all this and has all of this. He deserves that.

I deserve that. I do not deserve to be tossed aside. I do not deserve to feel small and hollow and unloved and unworthy. I’m tired of feeling that way. But I know that I will feel that way in my life. People will not satisfy me and people will let me down. Therefore I will do my best to encourage others and lift them up and be there for them when they are sad.

I don’t like being this sad. It’s not who I am. I have such a joy inside and the Lord has big plans for me. He is working all things out for my good, even if I do not understand it in the midst of it. It’s all going to be okay.

Because it’s not over yet…he’s not done with me yet. As long as I am breathing and moving and alive, he still has plans for me.