Help for ending an affair, healing, and other notes from my personal wreckage

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A question from a Betrayed Spouse

Your blog is certainly refreshing. As the betrayed wife, I know what I did wrong on some level. My husband started his emotional affair when or son was less than two months old. Do I think it’s fair it was while I was still going through my postpartum emotions, certainly not, but I can admit I wasn’t very nice. One night he stayed out all night and after setting a text I knew there was someone else. We separated after he told me he didn’t know if he lived me and I came back reassured it was over. He continued to be nasty and me, suspecting an ow, became emotionally unavailable, especially after being told I relied on him too much. This whole time though I begged for an effort to rebuild or marriage. I wanted counselling, read books and articles on how to fix things. As far as the sex issue, it was opposite with us, I love sex, tried to initiate and always got the same answers, he was to tired, needed a shower, or he couldn’t get it up. I bought him a slew of vitamins proven to increase desire. We had sex 4 times last year. He tells me they never had sex though she says they did countless times and he spent the night at her house countless times, I spent 3 months with my family during that year and a half. Is it possible he’s being honest in that department? I can’t change what he had done and I am trying to trust he’s being honest. If you read my blogs you’ll see the turmoil I’ve been under. He also refuses any change. He keeps talking about the future, saving money, or son and his daughter’s college, but he refuses to try and sympathize with my emotional state of mind. He keeps adding to the heap. He said once he’d do anything to help or marriage but he is making no effort outside of giving me a great anniversary weekend, minus a card which was promised and important to me. I feel like I get half the deal but never the whole. It’s it possible he’s just so confused and hurt too or just doesn’t want to put forth the effort? I tried to be supportive, include him in every conversation, see what he’s feeling but he won’t talk. I’ve cooked for him every night except a couple, made sure the house it’s as spotless as I can get it with a two year old, tried to keep up on laundry better, and most importantly kept my mouth shut except when provoked, need to work on that. All these have been complaints he’s had for the past year and a half while he was with her. I just feel no reciprocation or added effort on his part. I dress sexier, do my hair and makeup, everything I can think of. Any input would be appreciated, thank you.

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I think it’s hard for anyone to judge the actions of someone with limited information. Assuming that what you are saying is true, I don’t know if your husband is still seeing her or not. But it certainly does not seem like someone who is truly a) remorseful, b) is making amends for the terrible thing he did, c) wants to really fix the marriage and move forward.

In fact, to be so disinterested in sex, I would have to conclude that he’s “just not into you.” And that’s probably one of the reasons he had an affair. It happens. Sometimes the reasons for an affair remain even if the affair is exposed, and those reasons, if not unaddressed, undermine any recovery.

And frankly I don’t believe that he didn’t have sex with the woman. That seems implausible.

But you’re focusing on the affair — the “symptom” , no the “cause” of why your marriage is on the rocks. Don’t talk to the other woman. Talk to HIM. He won’t go to counseling? That’s not a good sign.

I guess you have a decision to make, yes? Either accept the marriage as it is, or walk.