Passion or Comfort … What Is Important?

Asked by neerajudhwani on 2018-05-8 with 1 answer:

From India: I am currently going through a lot of confusion. I became close friends with a girl (Let’s call her G) with whom I shared a deep emotional and intellectual connection even though there was no physical attraction initially. However our emotional intimacy led us to start dating. We dated for a few months and I found G to be an amazing, caring, supportive woman. I found in her a lot of characteristics that I find in my mother. We are very different as individuals in terms of our likes and dislikes but there was a deep bond we both felt.

I felt comfortable in my girlfriend’s presence and felt a sense of familiarity that I had rarely experienced before in my previous relationships. I experienced compatibility with her that I had never experienced before.

However, there was no passion and little sexual attraction in the relationship. The lack of passion was extremely frustrating for me and I would find myself constantly attracted to other girls who were more attractive. I consider myself good-looking and attractive to the opposite sex.

Because G wanted a firmer commitment (a commitment of marriage) and i wasn’t sure if I could sacrifice passion, I broke up with her.

It has been a few months since I have broken up with her and I miss her terribly. I was deeply attached to her on an emotional level and without her, I feel depressed. Maybe I love her in a deeper way.

But now I am scared of going back to her because I feel I will once again feel frustrated by the lack of passion/attraction and this time it will be devastating for her, especially if this happens after we get married.

Let me also add that in the past, I have been in a few relationships with many attractive girls but those relationships never worked out due to compatibility issues. I also think that I have commitment issues because the thought of commitment makes me nervous and sabotage relationships.

I briefly spoke about this to a psychiatrist and she made a remarkable insight based on the analysis of my dreams — she said at a subconscious level I already think of G as my wife. I realized that to be true.

Please advise what to do. Should i go back and marry G, who I am attracted to at an emotional and intellectual level, if not so much at a physical level? Without her, I am depressed and feel low. But I need to be sure of my decision since it also involves her and I care for her immensely. I am constantly grappling with my fears and dilemma and the indecisiveness is bogging me down. Please help.

From what you said, this is part of a larger pattern: You either feel passionate about someone you don’t find compatible or you have deep compatibility with someone you can’t allow yourself to find sexually attractive. I think you are right. Your problem isn’t a lack of passion for G, it’s a fear of commitment. After all, if you felt passion for her, you would no longer have any reason not to marry her and make a life together.

Please do yourself and G a very big favor and get some therapy to deal with your dilemma. It wouldn’t be fair to her (or to you) to marry her knowing that you aren’t interested in her physically. If you don’t deal with your mental split between compatibility and intimacy, you would probably end up having an affair after marriage. Your wife would feel betrayed. You would feel guilty. Both of you deserve better.