SERIES ONE

THE NEW NEIGHBOUR

Martin's far from impressed when a hairdresser moves in next door, talk of a new cricket captain at the wrong table doesn't go down well, and a campaign to stop a lorry parking in The Close proves to be ineffective.

"I'll tell you what. I'll not only add my surname, address and telephone number to this. I will also write the word 'folder' on this folder. So anyone coming near it will know what it is. How's that?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3TOTAL: 6

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S1E2

TAKING OVER

Ann pays a visit to the hairdressers in the hope of a change of image, Paul's interfering with Motor Club matters doesn't go down well, and Martin loses his committee duties after complaining about the workload.

"Yes, I'm growing cannabis. It needs a high temperature."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3TOTAL: 7

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S1E3

A STRANGE WOMAN

Ann's annoyed at not being asked about who she went to a concert with, Martin gets an eyeful when a topless sunbather appears next door, and imaginations run wild when police visit Paul in the middle of the night.

"No, no. You shouted something as you left fairly angrily, and I'm sure I heard you mention the word 'scallops'."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4TOTAL: 7

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S1E4

HOLIDAY PLANS

The four jolly glockenspielers prepare to book an eighth trip to Bavaria, Martin thinks that Ann's complaints are because of forgotten eggs, and an offer from Paul persuades Howard and Hilda to make their own plans.

"Well, how else do you expect me to take it? A faw hours ago you were enthusing about Bavaria, now you walk in here as bold as brass and stab me in the back with a Spanish villa."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4TOTAL: 8

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S1E5

VICARS AND TARTS

Martin discovers that he's been elected chairman of a new subcomittee, Howard confesses that an idea for a Vicars & Tarts Ball wasn't his own, and Paul uses his connections to arrange the whole evening for free.

"I know. Let's have another of those bedstead races. I loved sitting up in bed being pushed about by four husky men."

THE TEA PARTY

Ann's horrified when a dormobile full of pensioners arrives at the house, Martin tries to gather parts to build a homemade bingo machine, and Paul makes his presence felt by organising a sing-song in the garden.

"Oh, do simmer down, put your fan on and give yourself a blow."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5TOTAL: 10

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S2E2

THE CRICKET MATCH

Ann's unhappy about the kitchen being turned into a sports department, Martin realises that he might have to pick Paul for the cricket team, and Howard volunteers his place to save having to kick anybody else out.

"Well, I'm sorry. If I'd known it was out of bounds, I'd have clubbed him senseless before he reached the door."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4TOTAL: 8

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S2E3

A MARRIED MAN

Ann suggests breaking from routine by inviting different guests to dinner, Martin finds himself answering the door to Paul's estranged wife, and Howard and Hilda are persuaded to take the scenic route home.

"Paul, would you like to come upstairs and look at my duplicator?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4TOTAL: 8

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S2E4

HOUSEWORK

Martin has to look after himself when Ann goes into hospital for surgery, Paul's interference with the food preparation means a trip to the chippy, and organisational skills prove to be no match for spring cleaning.

"She won't, because this is what we're going to do. You and I together we're going to pitch into this lot. We'll finish your spring-cleaning and you will go to the ball, Cinders."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5TOTAL: 10

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S2E5

SNOOKER

Martin needs to find another player for the pub snooker tournament, Howard's told to be more positive about his promotion interview, and an inevitable first round matchup sees Ann asking Paul for a huge favour.

"Even so, what you're asking me simply goes against the grain. And what makes it even worse is that you're asking me with all your clothes on."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4TOTAL: 8

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S2E6

BOREDOM

Martin gets a shock when he gets a call about the weather in Boulogne, Paul offers a frustrated Ann the receptionist's job at the hairdressing salon, and Hilda pops by to demonstrate a variety of available hobbies.

"Don't try and regain ground. I've made you look an utter fool. And how? By bring you down to my level."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4TOTAL: 8

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S2E7

THE PSYCHIATRIST

Paul invites his friends and neighbours around for a few drinks, Martin finds himself enjoying a stimulating conversation with a psychiatrist, and Ann can't help but fear the worst when she's handed a business card

"Yes, you see, moles cannot stand the sound of the Javanese ear flute."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3TOTAL: 6

SPECIAL

(1984)

SPECIAL

THE PARTY

Martin falls foul of his colleagues when he tries to stop an office party, Ann attends a Christmas party at Paul's despite being told not to, and Martin's horrified to wake up next to someone other than his wife.

"Yeah, see, the thing about a spontaneous sort of Christmas like this, is the amount of organisation it requires."

SERIES THREE

MANURE

Martin's not too pleased when he finds Paul lurking in his workshop, Ann announces that she'e been accepted for an Open University course, and Hilda tries her best to help with a manure problem by ordering a skip.

"I don't know. Here I am with a disgusting drill and improper trousers. There's no hope for me, is there?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5TOTAL: 9

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S3E2

ONE NIGHT STAND

Martin gets everything packed for a two-day business trip to Belgium, Ann struggles to believe that her husband is capable of cheating on her, and Howard insists that it's time for him to pull up his drawbridge.

"What else could it have been? Never once in our marriage have I ever entertained thoughts of a carnal nature."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 4TOTAL: 9

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S3E3

HOUSE TO LET

Martin loses his whistle during an argument at a football match, Paul announces his intention to invest in another house in The Close, and Howard and Hilda have nothing to report about the new neighbours.

"Testicle."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3TOTAL: 6

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S3E4

LOCAL HERO

Hilda's convinced that an insect is flying around inside her ear, Martin's disappointed when his act of heroism only gets a tiny newspaper article, and constant talk about saving a child's life sends everyone into hiding.

"All right, Ann, it's not Page 3."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4TOTAL: 7

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S3E5

THE CAMPAIGN

Martin's delighted to be accepted as a member of the Egremont Club, Ann decides to campaign for the Open University Students' Association, and Paul causes trouble by trying to win support from the local MP.

"So I forced you onto the table, and tapped you repeatedly with my spectacles."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2TOTAL: 4

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S3E6

CAVALIERS AND ROUNDHEADS

Martin organises an English Civil War event to raise funds for the RSPCA, Paul manages to take over when he turns up dressed as a Cavalier, and the reluctant Roundhead leader insists on making his own costume.

RELAXATION

Martin's inability to switch off at night takes it's toll on Ann's sleep, Howard and Hilda look forward to visiting their friends in Edinburgh, and Paul devises a relaxation plan that involves clearing out the cubbyholes.

"Yeah, well, I had a book on how to relax once, it drove me mad, all the pages stuck together."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3TOTAL: 6

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S4E2

GOODBYE, PAUL?

Paul announces plans to close the salon so he can open a health studio, Martin explains why the flag at Mole Valley Valves is flying at half-mast, and a lack of available premises threatens to end a beautiful friendship.

"Hilda, if you can guess how many bottles of shampoo I've got in my left hand, I'll give you the pair of them."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4TOTAL: 8

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S4E3

STUCK IN A LOFT

Paul's out of his depth when the friends head for a break in the country, Howard and Hilda are warned about the dangers of falling down holes, and Martin gets stuck when he heads into the loft to fix the cottage roof.

"Do you remember that course I took at evening classes to give myself a dynamic personality?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4TOTAL: 8

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S4E4

NEIGHBOURHOOD WATCH

Martin becomes the coordinator of the Neighbourhood Watch group, Howard and Hilda make an arrest at the back of the jewellers shop, and a detective inspector delivers invitations for a special party at The Ritz.

"Well, to tell you the honest truth, Martin, I'm being a little tinker."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4TOTAL: 8

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S4E5

THE FOOTPATH

Howard and Hilda are challenged by a farmer for using a public footpath, Martin insists on doing the right thing by having it out with the man, and Paul notices something interesting when he takes a look at the map.

"Touch your weapon and I take a photograph."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3TOTAL: 6

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S4E6

JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS

A disappointing exam result shows Ann that she's no good at working alone, Paul's offer of help is accepted on the basis that he keeps it secret, and Hilda insists on speaking to Martin after witnessing the unforgivable.

"You're like that little beast in the World Cup who scored with his hand and thinks it's a joke."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4TOTAL: 8

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S4E7

HALF AN OFFICE

Martin's appalled when he learns that his office is to be made smaller, Howard's accusation of being a doormat leads to a threat of resignation, and Paul suggests sleeping on an offer of a job at the health studio.

"Mrs. Ripper, nothing's been done about this telephone yet, you know. I'm still tinkling in here."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2TOTAL: 4

SPECIAL

(1989)

SPECIAL

MOVING ON

Paul tries to get himself involved with the organisation of the fête, Martin's learns that his new promotion will mean moving to Oswestry, and Ann insists on pastures new after an announcement of her own.

HILDA
HUGHES

Martin Bryce is a stock control manager who gets through life with the help of strict organisation. He insists on everything being just so, both in his own life, and on the various committees that he's responsible for. His responsibilities give him a purpose in life, a reason to exist.

The new neighbour, Paul Ryman, is the exact opposite. He wings his way through life succeeding with everything he touches, and moving onto other things when things go too well. He is popular with the ladies, including Martin's wife, Ann. He doesn't need to try, he just is.