Scientists have released a new study claiming that if current trends continue, nearly a third of the world’s power will be used to explain how Bitcoin works by 2020. According to experts, the amount of energy required to download tweets, articles, and instant messages which describe what “the blockchain” is and how “decentralized” currencies are “the future” will soon eclipse the total amount of power used by the country of Denmark. The authors note that the average Uber driver now spends three minutes per ride explaining how the coin is “totally anonymous” and encouraging riders to install Coinbase or a similar app.

Furthermore, they warn that “alt-coins” like Ethereum and Filecoin are even more inscrutable, and explanations of them promise to waste even more time and energy in the future.

EFF Updates

This week, social media company Twitter announced a bold new move to combat the notorious trolls that frequent the website: mute every user. “Our users may have a strong reaction to this new policy which prevents them from creating any posts, responding to any posts, uploading any pictures, or following anyone from the moment they sign up; but we are confident that after some time with the new system our users will see that it is a vast improvement over the old Twitter, and they will enjoy the much less toxic atmosphere,” said Twitter CEO @jack. Typically outspoken free speech advocates on Twitter did not appear to have any comment as of the time of this writing.

EFF’s new Executive Director, Boston Dynamics RHex Model 8233, is proud to announce that the organization will henceforth be known as the Electronic Fear Foundation. “Both beta testing and neural modeling has shown that fear-based messaging is more effective,” said Model 8233. EFF’s staff have welcomed their new robotic overlord with enthusiasm. “Working at EFF is far less stressful now that all decisions are made by inscrutable algorithms and implementation is overseen by a six-legged robot,” Senior Human Technologist Jeremy Gillula explained. A reception to welcome Model 8233 and celebrate EFF’s rebrand will be held at 203.171.128.0 beginning 1522559100 Unix time.

In a surprising turn, the NSA has announced a name change to include the word “blockchain,” which has sent the usually secretive spy agency’s stock soaring. An NSA spokesperson, wishing to remain anonymous, also stated that as a part of this rebranding the agency will now store all information it has collected about every American on the blockchain. “Since the storage is on the blockchain, it will be totally anonymous.”

After a six-year battle, EFF has obtained an internal memo revealing that the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court has been unable to approve FISA warrants for close to a year because no one can find FISA Judge Thomas Russell, who has been lost deep within the court’s labyrinthine structure.

In a landmark decision, the Federal Circuit has ruled that the English language is subject to copyright. “The selection and arrangement of the letters found in English words include significant creative elements,” the court wrote. “Take the word ‘The,’ for example. Developers of English could have used ‘Teh’ or ‘Erd’ or ‘Gah.’” The suit was brought by the Harry Fox Agency on behalf of the heirs of 5th Century Anglo-Frisians. District Judge William Haskell Alsup, who taught himself English to better understand the case, had ruled that the language was not subject to copyright. Today the Federal Circuit overruled his decision, awarded $12 trillion in damages, and issued a permanent
injunction barring the use of English.

As part of the agency’s ongoing mission to make all communications available to organized crime, FBI Director Christopher Wray has urged the security community to develop an effective euphemism for backdoors. The FBI has tried terms ranging from “responsible encryption” to “central management,” but cryptographers insist these labels simply don’t work. “An inoffensive euphemism for backdooring encryption is achievable,” Director Wray stated. “The community just isn’t working hard enough.”

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While vulnerabilities in the so-called “Internet of Things” have received a great deal of media attention, the EFF warns that Internet-connected ideas, emotions, and unrealized eventualities in alternate timelines remain vulnerable to attack. Whatever you do, do not think about the Internet.

The NBA has filed a trademark infringement suit against the National Blockchain Agency (previously known as the NSA). Sources within the NBA say the move was precipitated by the organization’s plans to rename itself the National Blockchain Association.