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I want to swim away but don’t know how Sometimes it feels just like I’m falling in the ocean

I didn’t want this to happen. I didn’t want to let this happen. GAHHHH. These past two weeks I haven’t measured properly, I had four cocktails, fried food, and only went to the gym a total of five times. Plus I have missed meetings. Tomorrow I am going after missing last week. I am afraid to face the scale. I am afraid to see a jump in numbers due to my lackadaisical attitude these past two weeks. I don’t want to blame the snow… but I am attributing it to my “falling off the wagon.” Urgh, I am so mad at myself! If I destroyed everything in this past week and a half I am going to be devastated. I have worked very, very, hard for those 13 pounds. I need to lose more for my health and sanity. I mean hellooo have you not heard about the Kevin Smith fiasco on the plane? If not click here. You see, I am too fat to fly in an airplane seat. I really am. I struggled at 90 pounds lighter two years ago on southwest airlines. I fit and I could buckle but that shit was UNCOMFORTABLE. I never fly. I never go anywhere. Now, if I wanna go to Vegas, I realize I have to wait a year until I lose the weight because there is no fucking way I am going to pay for two tickets because I am so large. It makes me sad that I am inhibited in enjoying myself right now as I go through this process but I guess that’s why I am here in the first place. I am not trying to do a woe is me act. I really, really, really, am not. This is my blog. This is what I am feeling today. I feel fatter than usual. I feel less me. I feel unattractive. I feel unwanted. I am scared. It’s these ugly feelings that bring me to eat. I need to sleep… I have been working the third shift again… It’s fucking with my moods, my eating schedule, my workouts, and my sleep. My precious, sleep apneafilled sleep.
There is a lot missing with my life. Mainly, it’s the romance. I have never had it. Never. I am about to be twenty three and I don’t know what it’s like to be held in a way that portrays desire… Like true desire. None of this you’re here right now I am willing to bone you because you are here and no one else wants to at the moment. I could use some male support in a way of like yes, you’re beautiful even though you’re heavy and I am here for you as you better yourself for your health. But if a guy wants me now doesn’t that make him have low standards? Would I want a man who has low standards to want a girl who is 350 pounds? I blame my pessimism on many things on this subject; A.) the guys I am acquainted with a very shallow. B.) My lack of male friends. c.) The media. D.) My low self esteem in a whole. There are days when I feel like, facial wise, I am the prettiest bitch in the room, hands down.(Well, not in a cocky ass way but you feel meh.) Then other days, such as today, I feel like I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. It’s disheartening. I need to stop thinking like this but… This is me. This is how I feel.

I am not eating right now or anything. At the moment I am just pissed off at my hair. I put a boxed relaxer in this piece because I have such super duper curly hair and I wanted it straight for the rest of winter but now the red color is all gone and it feels like straw. Sorry for all the negativity today.

On another note entirely, Valentine’s day was spent with my girls, Alyson, Brandy, Cheryl, and Robin. (ALPHABETICAL ORDER for fairness) Some photos:

there is even an unfortunate video..
you gotta click here to watch it because I am lazy. If that link doesn’t work check out Brandy’s blog
because she posted it on there.
I call my dancing the fat girl drunk jiggle… Ah those vodka cranberries…

14 thoughts on “I want to swim away but don’t know how Sometimes it feels just like I’m falling in the ocean”

Get your ass on a scale, asap. I don’t mean to sound rude or abrupt, but you NEED to weigh yourself regularly so that you can continue to hold yourself accountable. And please don’t beat yourself up too much for screwing up. It happens. I definitely messed up a few times before my surgery, and since surgery? Yeah, I still sneak a bit of sweets here and there, even though I know it’s bad for me.

I heard about the Kevin Smith & Southwest Airlines mess. I was kind of surprised, because he’s obviously overweight, but not to the point where I would think seating would be a problem. Ugh.

I disagree that men who are attracted to and want fat women have low standards. To say that is to insult you, me, and every other fat woman out there. There is a LOT to say about the importance of personality, and just general attractiveness. Trust me, even at your weight, you’re more than just a pretty face.

I hope you’re able to stay motivated and keep at it. I definitely agree that you shouldn’t buy two tickets just to get to Vegas. And you know? Holding back from doing that may be just what you need to keep going. In the summer of 2008 I realized, from trying, that I was officially Too Fat for amusement park rides. So for the rest of the summer I refused to go back to an amusement park, even for the rides I could do, and ditto for 2009. I forced myself to hold out until I lost enough weight and would be able to ride anything. This summer, 2010, will be that summer. I’m currently 233 lbs., and by the summer I should have at least another 30 lbs. off.

But back to you… I wish I could hug you right now. I understand so much of what you’re going through and how you feel. All I can really say is, keep at it. Set 5 and 10 lb. goals for yourself, and keep on making them.

No you’re not rude at all you’re absolutely right. I am going in today so I can get back in the game. I didn’t want to insult you or any other fat woman… But I feel that way sometimes. Being unwanted for so long has been very detrimental to my self esteem. I know self love is so important but when you’re rejected as many times as I have been you start to just assume the worst in any man. One guy I had liked in high school said to my friend “Come on, if you were a guy would you go out with her?” even though that was like 8 years ago I still hold that with me. Not many men have proved me otherwise.
I wish you could hug me too : ( I need that kind of understanding hug. Most people I know have no idea what it’s like to struggle with this kind of weight.

IN my opinion I don’t think it’s best to weight yourself constantly. I mean it’s good to see progress, but then you’ve only concentrated on weight, instead of health, you know?

I understand what you mean when you say if a guy likes you, he might have low standards. DO not feel that way at all. I’ve been in situations where I might be the biggest person in the room, and still felt like i can attract a guy because of confidence. ALthough I’ve never had a boyfriend, I never let my body issues seem like mere issues. In fact don’t bring it up around friends and whatnot. I am glad you are blogging as an outlet.

I appreciate you! I do! Which is why I always come back to read what you have to say. People just need to take time to get to know someone. Thats all. And you have to realize what you are doing is for YOU first. But i can understand the wanting for a man’s affection. Thats all I think about, and on my part it’s not healthy. I get so distracted and I lost track of where I am going.

Focus on what you’re good at. Best attributes and embrace them. You’re clearly funny and outgoing! But i think stressing yourself out over numbers can get in the way of your goal. How about a weigh -in every four or six weeks? that’s when you will see improvement.

I’ve been bigger than where I already am, but I feel at this point I am stuck at my weight. i been changing a lot of things recently. Like my diet, and my outlook on the world. instead of questioning other’s standards, we have to question our own, if that makes sense.

With weight watchers you have to be weighed every week. It’s a wake up call i need unfortunately. I think since I missed last week that attributed to my weight gain this week. I understand the whole changing my outlook think instead of just questioning other’s standards. To not think so much into what people think.

Did you ever read Booboomagoo’s website that I sent you? She took things slow, learned about food and her body..and fixed her relationship with food. This is what I think you should do.

I mean…to an extent, we ALL have unhealthy relationships with food, however, I truly believe that this is the root of obesity. I believe it is just a runaway “bad romance” with food. So, I think that you should really research nutrition and learn how to properly nourish your body. Sparkpeople.com is a really awesome website that lets you map out your food, tells you how many calories your body NEEDS to properly thrive, and tells you how many calories are in virtually EVERY food.

If you want, we can be sparkpeople buddies. I am going to start using it to help me eat healthier. I have a horrible relationship with food and I want to mend that.

I REALLY, REALLLYY commend you for trying to lose weight yourself. Not to talk shit about weight loss surgery, etc, but…I just believe someone should do it themselves. You learn so much about yourself, and your body..you renew your relationship with food and you learn how to properly nourish yourself. Not only that, it is so insanely rewarding to know that you worked so hard to get to a certain point, and when you get to that point that you worked so hard for, I cannot imagine how awesome you would feel about yourself. So yeah..I commend you and respect you SOOOOOOOO much for going down this path. You have done amazingly so far, and I have no doubt that you will continue to do wonderfully.

You have to take it slow…as they say, “Slow and steady wins the race..” Do not get discouraged if you do not do good one week..that is going to happen..it is a part of the process, and it is OK!

You are incredibly beautiful now, so just keep in mind how gorgeous you are going to be when you reach your ideal weight…that alone is amazing inspiration. It takes a lot to do what you are doing…to make the decision to change your lifestyle in this way, it is a lot to deal with. I have no doubts that you can do it.

Like I said, just do not get yourself down. Be proud of yourself no matter what…if you didnt lose any weight one week, or even gained a few pounds..you know what? So what! You lost last week, and the week before..so you know for a FACT you can lose it again…be proud of yourself..because its HARD to take this challenge. Thats why so many people opt out and decide to go for surgery.

You are doing fucking awesome and youre a huge inspiration….just keep at it! I am always here if you want to vent

you know whats funny les is that I haven’t seen this comment until today. After yesterday’s blog and after watching your video today. Your comment was in the spam box for some weird reason. When you mentioned the comment on your video I was like what comment? but I found it! I am going to join sparkpeople.com too. I went to boomboomagoo’s site and i don’t remember why but I had to sign off and do something else. Probably, a sibling had to get on the computer. So I am going to put it on my bookmarks today because I honestly forgot all about it. Thanks Leslie for everything

Oh yeah..once I relaxed my hair and it stripped the dye in it also 😦 I think it does that.

Wash your hair…and when you condition it, put a SHIZ LOAD in there, stick a shower cap on your head…and just hang out like that for as longggg as you can. Longer the better, and then start using leave in conditioner after that.

well we can do something like, maybe take a 15 minute walk somewhere, or everyday do something healthy, like maybe read a book? it doesn’t have to relate to trying to loose weight. I think in order to have a balanced easy journey is to keep things positive. im sure you know that.
and to hydrate your hair, soak it with extra virgin olive oil for about 15 minutes or more if you’d like, then wash it. i know it sounds gross, but its very moisturizing. Its how the greeks used to wash their bodies in the past. I use it everywhere… lol

lol in last month’s glamour or cosmo they talked about the olive oil. I have to get some more because I used all of mine for cooking lol. But i think thats a fab idea. Today I am going to take a lovely bath to relax myself.