Astrologically Unsound: That ghost haunting you does not want to watch "The Bachelor"

horoscope

Aries (March 21 - April 19): Starting off a crossword puzzle with the wrong answer will set you out on the wrong path, but at the end of a day, who cares? It’s a crossword puzzle.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20): This week, take some time out of your day to let go of the past. Stop hanging onto all of the negativity and just forget completely about the money I owe you.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20): When the infinite possibilities before you are overwhelming, take some time to remember some of those possibilities include things like eating a bucket of sand.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22): Practice empathy and don’t get mad when a ghost changes the channel on your TV; it’s bad enough to be trapped for eternity, so they shouldn’t have to watch The Bachelor too.

Leo (July 23 - August 22): Accept that you have much to learn from others and that, were he conscious, the hot air balloon operator would know how to stop from crashing into those telephone wires.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22): There are no absolutes in this world and no way to be certain of anything, except this one thing: We heard the joke the first time. You don’t need to repeat it.

Libra (September 23 - October 22): Possibly a computational error, but judging by the papers in front of me it looks like you’re about to be sworn in as the 34th President of the United States.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21): Honestly? I don’t even know how you got trapped in there. Like, physically and based on raw dimensions, I don’t understand how that could have even happened.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): Keep this in mind: when you order crickets online, they often just come sealed in the box. There is no second container. They are loose in that box.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): The secrets we carry can weigh us down. They can sink us. Haunt us. Release yourself from the burdens of your hidden past and go ahead and tell me your email password.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): This week will be a week of reflection for you. Yep, just another full week of staring at yourself in the front-facing camera like a bird who just learned it’s alive.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20): Tell yourself that it’s only a nightmare; that you’re not really lost in the Werewolf Woods and that—and here’s the scary part—they’re not really ignoring you.