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#MeToo

About yesterday, #MeToo

I am normally one to fight for others and don’t generally speak about my experiences, personal to myself. But yesterday I could not help but share the #MeToo because I am beginning to see the importance of it and creating a conversation about it. I realized I will be a hypocrite [to myself mostly] if I did not create the conversation [as that is what I have been doing the past year or so is going where it is painful and opening conversations that needed to be spoken about] and join in solidarity with my fellow females. I am also frankly tired of hiding behind walls.

What are we afraid of?

Are we afraid that we would embarrass our family and friends?

Are we afraid that the world would know we actually know what a penis looks like at the age of 6 or 7?

Are we afraid to let our culture be exposed for what it is?

Are we afraid to not have the conversation because it would make someone else feel guilty about our plight [especially as kids]?

Are we afraid to let the world know why you helicopter your own kids and keep them close by and when something unaware has happened and you actually not knowingly put their lives in danger you beat the crap out of yourself?

Are you afraid to tell the world that disgusting vile acts of men [and women] are really true?

Are you afraid to let people down because you know you were not given the time of day as a kid [and it is not anyone’s fault as everyone does what they know best at any given time in their lives] and everything would have been hushed anyway?

Are you afraid to say that nobody really cares about the kids and self-esteem and ego will get in the way of adults because nobody wants to tell the world that their child was abused?

NOBODY CARES!?

WELL, I CARE ENOUGH ABOUT THE CHILDREN OF THE WORLD AND THE WOMEN OF THE WORLD TO CONTINUE HAVING THAT CONVERSATION. I AM NOT HAVING THE CONVERSATION ANYMORE WITHOUT ME IMMERSING MYSELF FULLY IN THE CONVERSATION. SO #METOO!

Yes, I am aware that this happens to all genders and sex but for once I want to focus on ME as a female in this world [no, it does not make me less compassionate about my male family and friends who went through the same atrocities and it does not dismiss what they have been through], I just want to focus on this particular conversation. The conversation of women and children [especially girls] because I want it to be a focus of as much as men get sexually assaulted too but let us just focus on me as a woman for a change.

I want to tell you why I hate old Indian men.

I want to tell you why I do not leave my home and only go with very close family members like my life partner, my kids, my parents, my siblings. I want to tell you I am afraid to be left alone with any man in a room [no offense to anyone but the only men I truly trust is my dad, kids, and brother, no one else].

I want to tell you why I have been depressed most of my life.

I want to tell you why I have low self-esteem.

I want to tell you why I never felt physically attractive.

I want to tell you why I am an emotional person.

I want to tell you why I hurt so much when kids get hit or have their rights violated.

I want to tell you why I taught my boys from as young as possible that NO ONE but NO ONE is allowed to touch them without their permission.

I want to tell you why this is so important to leave kids to make their own decisions about EVERYTHING as they learn that no one can violate their space, whether it is their mother, father, uncle, aunt, NO ONE but NO ONE must violate their space in touching, hiding, spatially and verbally. IT IS THEIR BODY AND THEIR BODY ALONE!

I want to tell you I will kill the person that touches my children, I am THAT mother.

I want to tell you why it hurts me so much to see hurt and pain caused by other humans.

I want to tell why I feel there is so much injustice in this world, especially towards women and children.

I want to tell you what it feels like to have been driven throughout Johannesburg without a clue as to where you are going, in and out of consciousness with somebody who was supposed to have been trustworthy.

I want to tell you how scared I was to have left my kids at home and it was the first time I did that and I how afraid I was of not getting back to them.

I want to tell you the first question people ask “why did you not speak about it when it actually did happen, why did you wait till now” which makes you feel like you lying.

I want to tell you that those you thought where your family actually become strangers because they side with the wrong person.

I want to tell you that other women who have been abused DO NOT SUPPORT YOU.

I want to tell you that even though you try to open up to people you thought were friends and would help you actually give you the cold shoulder, because they do not want to get involved and because the events that followed did not suit their idea of an abused woman, because it was not told the same time.

I want to tell you why I love animals more than the human species.

I want to tell you all of these things but mostly I want to tell you IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT AND YOU SHOULD NOT FEEL EMBARRASSED OR ASHAMED OF IT AND YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I also want to tell you I DID have support from my close family and family members [including some friends] that were close to me, and that I am eternally grateful for.

Let us take this conversation somewhere.

Let us bring the men [and women] involved in abuse to the forefront.

Let’s eventually shift the focus to the men who rape, the men who violate our space, the men who caused us that pain, the men that verbally abuse you.

Let us shift the focus eventually.

Why must we carry the burden alone, why must we carry the burden AT ALL?