NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

WHY? WHY? WHY?!!!!!!! WHY?!

I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS SHIT! WHY NOW?! THIS IS EXACTLY WHEN THE COUNTRY NEEDS WAKA FLOCKA THE MOST!!!! AGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!

WAKA NO!!!! WAKA NOOOOO!!!!!

WHAT CAN WE DO? WHAT CAN I DO?!

AAAHHHGGGHHHHHHAAAAAHHH!!!!!

HOW DO YOU PROPERLY TYPE OUT THE SOUND OF A MAN CRYING A THOUSAND TEARS AT ONCE?!

……

…..

….

…

This is a horrible day for all of us. I’m sorry I was the one to bring you this news, but I felt it should come from a loved one like me. I am your loved one. You love me. And I “like” you. I mean I don’t really know you. I’m not really forthcoming with my emotions in that way to just say I love you to an anonymous reader. It makes a lot more sense that you love me because who doesn’t, but I would be willing to get to know you better before I say I “like” you. I mean I don’t just go around saying I like people that often. I’m really…

AAAAHHHHHHH!!!! WAKA FLOCKA NO!

WAKA, I LOVE YOU! PLEASE STAY IN THE RAP GAME!

….

…

..

.

Ok. So let’s look over this article…

Waka Flocka Flame use to go hard in the paint, despite negativity, but now he’s ready to quit the game.

First thing first, I do not understand when you are supposed to “use to” instead of “used to”. I use “used to” always. I do not edit these posts to the disgust to many of you loving readers, so the posts may not reflect that I do understand all the “your” and “you’re” and “there”, “they’re” and “their”, but the one that I do not get is this “used to” nonsense. It should all be “used to” in my opinion. You “used” to do something. No matter what. So fuck it.

Anyway, this sentence is a play on words from one of Waka’s modern classics…

I will miss you, Waka Flocka.

Anyway, back to the article.

After only three years of pursuing music, and releasing one album, he recently announced that he would be retiring from the rap game for good. ‘This game 2 Fake. I quite rap after this year,” he posted on twitter last week.

Hmmmm… are we sure Waka is quitting? I mean he said he is going to “quite” rap. I’m not sure that would convict in court, if you know what I mean. Nevertheless, this is perplexing to say the least. I do agree with Waka how fake the rap game is. Even Miley Cyrus has mentioned as such by calling Jay-Z a “pop artist”. If Miley and Waka knows then its gots to be true.

Whether he would be quitting rap to go back to school is a mystery, however, he tells V-103 that he wouldn’t mind working at Wal-mart.

Before we get to Waka’s quote… “go back to school”? That’s about the last thing I would imagine Waka is planning on doing. I myself have trouble with the idea of going back to school, I can only imagine for Waka that would be more troubling of an idea than it is for me to imagine a world without new Waka music. I imagine Waka and books are an oil and water scenario. Actually, better yet – you know the kids’ game where you pretend the ground is lava and you have jump across couch cushions or chairs to get across the living room because if you touch the ground even for a second then you die? Well, I guess I could have said “you know lava?” and “how if you touch it, you die?” But who ever handles lava? Anyway, I’m betting if Waka touches text books – he dies. That’s what I’m thinking.

“I’m tired of going through what I go through, and punk a–es always rain on my world. There’s so [many] different haters, fake smiles, different hugs. I’d rather work at Walmart than rap, and that’s my word on God. Yup, I put that on Jesus Christ. I’m not lying or nothing. It’s something I could never explain to people because they could never understand it ‘cause they not living the lifestyle. At the end of the day, the people who’s living the lifestyle could understand why I’m doing it.”

Different hugs? Waka is correct. I have no clue what is going on in the rap game or living the lifestyle because I’m not entirely sure what a “different hug” is. My first thought, they’re going through the crotch. Like one arm over your shoulder and the other arm between your legs like they’re hugging you parallel to you standing. As if they’re preparing for a body slam. That could get weird.

“I put that on Jesus Christ”. I love that. I hope Jesus gets Waka job at Walmart. I hope Jesus knows its on him to get Waka job at Walmart.

Lastly, I don’t know if guys in the rap game will fully understand why Waka is doing what Waka is doing. It seems to me that many of them just go along with the fakeness that Waka is talking about and doing it with a shit eating grin on their face all the way to the bank.

Meanwhile, his manager and mother Deb Antney, affectionately known as the Kris Jenner of the rap world, backs Waka’s claims of hanging up the mic. She tells Rap Fix:

Amazing. I didn’t know anyone could be the “Kris Jenner” of anything…

Here is Kris. Who I personally believe is an American hero for providing us with the three Kardashian girls and these two younger Jenner girls that I hope will turn out to be even half as ridiculously great as the Kardashians.

And here is Deb…

Ok. Ok. This is brilliant. I was just looking up Deb Antney pictures and found out that she has been hired as Heidi Montag’s manager. Heidi said that she needs to Deb to straighten out her life for her. HOW IS THAT NOT A TV SHOW?! I would pay good money to see Waka Flocka’s mom raising Waka and Heidi. That would be HILARIOUS. Maybe that’s what Waka is quitting rap for? He sees the possibilities as well. Plus Gucci Mane was Deb’s original big client and Gucci is the wildest with getting ice cream cone tattoos on his face, so he could guest star on some episodes every season. This show basically writes itself.

Back to the quote…

He talking about quitting. He’s sick of this. We all are. We’re all disgusted with this stuff. You can’t trust people.

Fair enough. I wouldn’t expect any less from the Kris Jenner of the rap world.

And this last bit is from the article writer…

I hope Waka has had a great financial planner. If not, I give him three days of working the express line check out before he’s back in the studio.

Yeah, whatever. Does Waka have a great financial planner? YES! He has Deb Antney! Weren’t you reading your own article? Or are you shit talking Waka’s mom? I think you’re shit talking Waka’s mom. I think Waka needs to pay you a visit.

Anyway…

I’m not sure I can ever be brought back from the brink of this depression.

A Waka Flocka free world is not a world worth living in and that’s my word on God. Yup, I put that on Jesus Christ.

So I really only have two plans of action to make up for this day…

1. Hope Waka reconsiders. It’s not over yet. Currently we are living in a Waka Flocka world. Waka is not going to “quite” until the end of this year, so I have until 2012. Maybe this is what the Mayans were predicting… hmmmm… that’s another post entirely. But hopefully by 2012 Waka will have a new bold course of action of his own to bring more Waka Flocka to the masses in a different medium. My hope… ACTING!

I think the WANTESS and Waka Flocka would get along swimmingly. They both pride themselves on being “real” and not “fake ass punk bitches”. Right? Plus who doesn’t like white chicks? Black chicks usually, but I mean we’re not talking about them. Kristen Stewart doesn’t have the ass and thickness that Waka is probably used to, but I bet he would enjoy Kristen Stewart’s company all the same. She smokes cigarettes and weed cigarettes. Waka loves that. Also, Waka is young. He’s 25, so I’d bet $100 he knows about these Twilight movies.

Anyway, back to Kristen Stewart and Waka and 8 Mile. I’m not exactly sure how I would cast it. I’m thinking we can go about it several ways. But I think the best bet is Kristen Stewart is Eminem. Kristen Stewart is Rabbit. And then Waka can play Mekhi Phifer. That’s how I’m picturing this. The story will be about Mekhi/Waka shepherding Rabbit/Kristen Stewart into the local rap scene of Detroit/Hot-Lanta/where ever and so forth. Kristen Stewart and Waka could be orphan foster kids or whatever who grew up in the same foster home and they act like brother and sister.

I guess we could throw Rob Pattinson in there and he’ll play Brittany Murphy’s character. So, Kristen Stewart and Rob will have the awkwardest sex in a steel mill or whatever Eminem was supposedly working at in that movie.

I think this movie is perfect. Give Waka more screen time than Mekhi with that added backstory and stuff and we’ve got GOLD!

So that’s making me happier already just imagining that.

My second plan of action…

2. Look at pictures of the Kardashian sisters in bikinis for the rest of the day.

Like this:

Related

I’m back from vacation. This makes me quite sad. Also, we’re having apocalyptic storms in Colorado and my tree blew down. And then when I sawed the tree up into little tree chunks and took its ass down to the recycle mulchy place I got a speeding ticket. I haven’t had a speeding ticket in 25 years, and now I have to drive all slow and legal for however long it takes those things to drop off your record. 57 in a 40, for what it’s worth. Motorcycle cop looked like Jeremy Renner to such a degree that it may in fact have been Jeremy Renner method-acting. Meaning I probably don’t have to pay that ticket, right?

This is how I know I’m not a heterosexual man: I looked at the K sisters’ bikinis and thought, “Those would leave the most hideous tan lines.” I didn’t know who Waka was, what does his hand tattoo say? I was squinting and thinking, “Souh . . south? soul? soldier? soulhdier?” Then I gave up. I like tattoos for the most part, but I don’t like his. I think one skull would’ve sufficed.

I was at the Renaissance Festival this weekend, I may have overdosed on skull and back wing tattoos.

My favorite thing about that place is how it’s really just a gathering for anything and anyone whose plumb bob is one degree left of center. Do you like body mods – tattoos, piercings, implants? How about pirates, leather, corsets, blades and arrows? Fairies and elves, Shakespeare, armor and jousting, camels, tiaras, Furry costumes, elephants? Raptors, greyhounds, torture museums, rock wall climbing? Griffins, unicorns, blown glass, feathers and hair braids?

Come on down, we have all that shit and more at ours. Doesn’t matter if it has anything to do with Elizabethan England or not, it’s just a place to go to escape all the khaki in the world and drink beer. I ate steak on a stake and it was delicious.