Emotional Safety Leads to Great Sex

Between social media, magazines, and today’s news featuring “ways to have the best sex” or “how to achieve an orgasm”, it’s not uncommon to get caught up in the physical aspects of sex. We sat down with Molly Foley, Marriage & Family Therapy/Sex Therapy and SquadCare SEXpert (@mollyandlove) to over the emotional aspects of great sex. Here’s what she had to say…

By: Molly Foley (Marriage & Family Therapy / Sex Therapy)

Passion, love, connection, desired— all words that describe what we as “bonding mammals” crave naturally. Specifically, the word passion, is the attachment longing for emotional connection combined with erotic exploration. A lot of times though, we are unable to explore our deepest desires because we are unable to emotionally feel vulnerable with our partners. Of course new sexual positions, toys, pornography, etc. can arouse our stimuli— having our partner engage us on a whole new level of connection is what we are truly seeking. We want the passion to not only be about the physical parts of us, but also our mind, spirit, and soul. Allowing our partner to enter our deepest selves, we need to create a sense of trust with them. This trust leads us to believe they are able to support us emotionally; which allows us to be completely vulnerable (fully naked).

In today’s world, we’re surrounded by impersonal sex, lack of trust, and fully guarded individuals. This leads our society to only seek lust, which leads us to feel alone, rejected, or even disconnected from our partners. Society chooses to see the fantasy world—hiding of true emotion and vulnerability. Playing fantasy isn’t always a bad thing, yet, feeling the only way to intrigue our partners through rougher sex, more partners, high involvement with viewing porn, etc. isn’t always what is needed to help reach “great sex”. This way of thinking keeps our guards up, and vulnerability down.

Thousands of studies have shown that safe emotional connection, which incorporates trust and vulnerability with your partner, fosters curiosity and confident exploration. Being pushed to do more of something that doesn’t feel right to you, just to spice things up with your partner, leads to a decrease of emotional safety. A lack of emotional safety gives us the burden of constantly keeping our guard up with our partner, and not wanting to be fully “naked”. The more we become emotionally safe with our partners, the more we feel safe to do all sorts of “intriguing” things—creating great sex with your partner.

Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, states “We are learning how to shape loving conversations; conversations that lead to physical synchrony and erotic play that can last a lifetime.”

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