Ivan & Nikita Koloff Revealed as Russian Hackers

WINTERVILLE, NC – Ivan Koloff, along with his on-screen nephew Nikita Koloff, have been revealed by FBI authorities to be the highly sought after Russian hackers into the 2016 Presidential campaign.

Police had been combing through Ivan Koloff’s home in Winterville, NC following his recent death in February, and in doing so found mountains of evidence on his laptop that showed he conspired with Wikileaks to hack the Democratic National Committee email system. Nikita Koloff, who remains at large, is said to have played a part in leaking Hillary Clinton’s emails to the Russians.

While the two investigations are separate (as were the crimes), it’s believed Ivan and Nikita were working in tandem.

“I take DNC, you take old hag,” wrote Ivan Koloff in a private email to Nikita. The ‘old hag’ is believed to be a reference to Clinton.

“Me work with Putin, you work with WikiLeaks to give emails, ok? Nikita, we destroy Democrats, same way we destroy Rock n Roll Express in NWA, ok?” Ivan continued in the email.

While Ivan and Nikita Koloff are not related by blood, they are said to have remained very close friends off camera. Ivan was not really Nikita’s uncle in real life, but he became an uncle-like figure to him in their personal lives.

While Nikita has been on the run from the FBI following the announcement, he did post on social media and proclaimed his innocence.

“Look guys, my real name is Scott Simpson and I’m not even Russian,” he wrote on Facebook. “The Russian gimmick and accent I portrayed in the NWA and WCW were all fake. I did know Ivan, but I was not part of this hacking scheme. My guess is he worked with some computer guy and called him Nikita to throw off government surveillance. It’s not me. I barely even know how to turn on a computer.”

Krusher Kruschev, who was also part of the Russian team with Ivan and Nikita in the NWA, is not a suspect at this time. Kruschev, real name Barry Darsow, also worked as the Demolition Smash in the WWF, as well as under the names Repo Man, Blacktop Bully, and his real name.

Darsow has been a patient of a local mental institution in Tampa since 2000, diagnosed with Identity Crisis Syndrome. Because of all the ring names he used in his career, he’s not really sure who he is anymore. Currently under a psychiatrist’s care, his internet usage is highly monitored and restricted, and authorities believe it’s impossible he could’ve carried out a crime of this magnitude.

Barry Darsow, seen here as the Repo Man, is currently under psychiatric care after assuming so many different identities throughout his wrestling career.

Ivan Koloff’s neighbors were shocked upon hearing the news.

“He was such a nice old man,” said Betty Black, his neighbor since the 1980s. “Every day he’d check the mail and we’d chat for awhile, and always pretended like he didn’t really follow the news. When I told him about the Russian hacking, he just smiled and said he hopes they catch him. Little did I know, he was the brains behind the operation.”

Police found thousands of emails, along with a shrine in Ivan’s basement with pictures, videos, and press clippings from Hillary Clinton that indicated he wanted to destroy her campaign. They also found a Russian chain, red jackets from his NWA days, and blow-up doll of Hillary that had marks on the neck from where Ivan and/or Nikita presumably gave it the Russian sickle.

Ivan Koloff’s shrine to Hillary Clinton, which police found in his basement

Nikita Koloff posted again later in the day, saying he didn’t think Ivan would do this on his own accord.

“The Ivan Koloff I knew would never do this,” he wrote. “I believe Putin put him up to this, basically either forced him to do it or offered him so much money that he couldn’t turn it down. He never once mentioned it to me, and he told me everything that was going on in his life.”

Bruno Sammartino, who lost his WWWF title to Ivan Koloff in 1971, was among those who wasn’t shocked.

“Doesn’t surprise me at all,” said Bruno to CNN. “I never trusted the man; not then, not now. Let’s just say I trusted Vince McMahon Jr more than I trusted crazy Ivan.”

Industry experts believe Bruno is just sticking to kayfabe, as he’s from an era that protected the business. Insiders say Bruno doesn’t really feel that way, but said otherwise to protect the legacy of his feud with Ivan and play into their storyline, even four decades later.

Ivan Koloff drops a knee on Bruno Sammartino before pinning him for the WWWF title (1971)

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer commented on the news in this morning’s press conference.

“The President is glad the hacker has been caught,” he told reporters. “Still, the real criminals here are the Democrats. They’re the ones who sabotaged Bernie Sanders, colluded with the liberal media, and called Hispanic voters ‘taco bowls.’ Hillary is the one who deleted her emails, smashed her devices with a hammer, and bleached her server. All the Koloffs did was expose what they had done in private, or so they thought. Hillary and the DNC lost this election themselves, NOT the Russians or the Koloffs.”

Sean Spicer fields questions from reporters, laying the blame on Hillary Clinton and the Democrats for losing the election, not the Russians

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