I haven’t bought baseball cards in the better part half of two decades but I would put this card right in the corner of my computer screen purely for inspiration. What would Biz Markie say about these reports that need to go out? How would Biz Markie handle this conference call? Just a daily reminder to keep it real.

Currently that space is taken up by Pat Burrell, because you need a reminder to face your problems head on, then fuck your problems, let your problems know who they just got fucked by and then leave.

KRON4 – A Recology truck driver saved a man’s life after he was accidentally loaded into his recycling truck in San Francisco’s Sunset District, Recology and fire officials said. The truck driver picked up a load of cardboard at along Irving Street between 9th and 16th avenues around 6:30 a.m. when he heard someone banging on the trailer of the truck, fire spokeswoman Mindy Talmadge said.

Recology spokesman Robert Reed said the driver called out to see if there was a person, and the man yelled back.

The quick thinking driver raced down to San Francisco fire station No. 22 at 16th Avenue and Irving Street a few blocks away to get help.

Fire crews were able to rescue the 58-year-old man who had been sleeping in the recycling dumpster, Talmadge said.

The man was taken to San Francisco General Hospital with minor injuries from being crushed in the truck, according to Talmadge.

The recycling truck has a push wall that compacts the cardboard, according to Reed.

“It’s a miracle that the guy wasn’t crushed,” he said.

A pretty ironic way of typifying that you’re life is literally and figuratively in the dumps is when you get lifted out of the trash to be destroyed by a dump truck. As far as ways to go out in this world, being viciously woken up amongst smelly trash to meet your demise at the hands of a machine is probably up the near top.

But as far as wake up calls from above this also a pretty big one, if not to turn your life around but at the very least find sturdier lodging. Not sure what a 58 year old man can do to change his situation, perhaps a national ad campaign for homeless shelters being like, “Hi, I’m a homeless dude. Like the rest of you, I sleep on the street and one day a garbage truck almost killed me because it dumped me in the back. But that was my wake up call to not sleep in such a smelly place because it almost killed me. So go to your local shelter and find a cot or at the very least a back alley where you know what day trash day is. Thanks.”

Boom. Solved the visual eye sore of the homeless sleeping near the trash cans and also probably lessened their odor. Sign me up for city government.

I know this is in a Starbuck’s in the middle of Northern California, land of political correctness and pussies, but this has to be a typo, right? Like there’s no way someone sat down and said, “Okay we need to create a sign that keeps pets out of our store but doesn’t offend the pets or their owners,” is there? We definitely joke about how PC that the Bay Area but we’re not extending this mindfulness to dogs too are we? Come on guys, they’re still dogs, as long as you say anything in a happy voice it wags its tail. Remember, they’re fucking dogs.

A backside fakie into a reverse crab-walk? Moves on top of moves. Only deducting points for the fact that the dude’s go to move was doing weird shit with his arms behind his head. Not saying it isn’t impressive, just don’t wear it out bro, we get it, you probably had an older sister beat you up and pull your arms in weird directions growing up. Bust it out every so often not every chance you get while doing Thriller with your buddy between 12th street and Embaracadero. Mix it up, learn a new move.

SFGate – For urban dwellers, the taxi is an eternal temptation, a lazy man’s luxury of choice — especially after throwing back a beer or two.

Sometimes, though, as one Houston man found out yesterday, such luxuries are kind of pointless.

One Reddit user going by the username uhcougars1151 posted a picture of his Uber e-reciept last night for what must have been the shortest Uber ride ever: he went just 95 feet, circling the block to arrive just steps from where he started. The damage: $4.28.

Apparently, uhcougars1151 failed to realize the lavishness of his Uber ride until the next morning.

“After a night of fairly heavy drinking, I woke up to find I took a very unnecessary cab ride…” he wrote. “Thank you Uber for rubbing it in my face with the detailed map….

I think we’ve all been in this situation. Too drunk to walk, too drunk to function, too drunk to live so I really do empathize with U of Houston alum who had to take the last 95 feet home in a spotless Toyota Camry.

However, that’s 30 yards or so and you could basically putt home from that distance, not even a need for a wedge. We’ve all be drunk but that drunk? Come on, bro, from that territory you can almost smell the cold pizza in your fridge. Act like you been there before. Now if this Uber driver got out of the car and helped in the door or this guy sneaky just wanted some cold bottled water, I get it, pay the $4.28 and not walk all the way home but don’t complain to us the next day about it. So the driver took you around the block, big deal, you think cab’s take the most direct cab route? Hell no, so don’t get mad at Uber for publishing a map of much an idiot you are. Grow up.

San Jose.com – The propitious combination of hot sauce and electronic dance music will be celebrated in St. James Park on August 30 and promises three stages of dance music, four bars and more than 120 sriracha infused dishes. While the exact food trucks have yet to be announced (though they will be August 5), Moveable Feast announced the music line-up this morning, curated by up-and-coming San Jose DJ John Beaver.

Headliners for the show include Aaron Axelson, Dead Funk, Thee-O, Sam F, John Beaver, GoldenChyld and Los Disco Duro. The full line-up can be found below.

I’m going to take two stances on this festival, but let me get the first one out of the way.

I don’t pretend to know much about music, but I am somewhat tapped into hot beats mostly through my younger brother but I have never ever heard of these guys. Name me one hit from any of these guys because I sure can’t, so already you’ve lost me other than the appeal of dressing like MacAulay Culkin in Party Monster and making out with some chick on molly.

The second is that Siracha sauce is by far the most overrated thing in the Bay Area and perhaps California. It’s an Asian hot sauce. That’s it. It doesn’t taste amazing, it turns shitty food into something that’s somewhat tolerable. They’ve got Siracha peas, chips, hell they even have Siracha candy canes. Siracha sauce is like what lime wedges are for Corona, it makes a shitty beer somewhat tolerable.

Worst off, because it’s an Asian hot sauce that isn’t mainstream it draws out the worst hardos when it comes to talking about the sauce. Tell anybody who loves the sauce that you’re not a fan and immediately you become equivalent to some goddamn peasant with no taste who eats at McDonald’s. Well news flash, when you’re putting your beloved Siracha sauce on your Chipotle burrito, realize Chipotle is owned by McDonald’s so who’s the asshole now?

In this guy’s defense, the asshole in the brown shoes is taking up two seats but yeah, floor of a MUNI bus is probably the last place I’d want to sleep behind Turkish prison and Neverland Ranch 1992-1997.