Past still haunts me.

I was 15 when i found out i was pregnant, i took a number of tests to make sure a was, i never thought this would happen to me out of all people i knew, even when my mum got preganat at such a young age you would of thought i would of know better. I was the last out my main friends to have sex, but the first to get preganat how bizare.

center”>It all started when i meet this lad through one my friends, he was much older than me he was 19, but he was a nice genine lad and treated me like a ment something. We started talking then it all begin from there i guess, i used to go to his house alot of the time but i wasnt cining him, i didnt want to get cining anyone after my last realtionship ended badly. He picked me up from places, he was always there when i needed him sometimes i never respected him for what he used to do but you learn from you mistakes i guess. I slept his house a number of times, but he never once tired anything on with me. Finally i ended up geting with him it was going great, then one night i had sex with him using no contraception how stupid of me, i got up that morning and told my bestmate and she took me staright to the walking centre for the morning after pill. I fought to myself, im never going to have unproctivie sex again But saying one thing & doing another is something else. I had unproctive sex with him a number of times but one time we did it, i just knew i was preganat from then on but i never fought to cheak, my friends where saying i should cheak just incase so my first pregnancy test came up postive but i just knew it wasnt right i can't be then i took another 2 tests and it still didnt convince me that i was, so early september i went to the walking centre and took one with the doctor and she said i was. My feelings that day where undescriable, it just felt like me whole world was crashing down & there was nothing i could do about it, still i was in denial about myself, where was i ment to go from there ?. I told my sister first that i was, i remeber he face looking disappointed in me, a face of shame & anger but she was there for me every step of the way, & i thanks her for everything, shes irrplacable. Then i told my main friends but it was difficult, they all had mixed feeling and opinions about me, but i wasnt to fussed what they fought as long as i knew what was going on. It was a long hard decision i had to make, with one of my mates being a strong beliver that abortion was wrong it confussed me even more & i felt like i couldnt think about what i wanted and what was for the best. I knew the next person i had to tell was my boyfriend afterall he was the father & he did have a right to know. It felt really hard to tell him i was, i fought he would just leave me, and call me a stupid girl or something, i really didnt no what to expect. That night i phoned him i was very nervous, and worried about what he would say, but he was very surportive & offered to come down to see if i was okay and that so it wasn't really something for me to get worked up about! . That night i ended up finshing him, i knew it was for the best, i mean if he can't be bothered to use a condom then why should i be arsed with him. Days went on & i became weaker & weaker as time passed on, unable to talk to anyone or discuss what i was going through was tearing me apart, some days i would come home from school and cry for hours on end, i just felt like nothing could become anyworse than what it already was. Weeks passed on & my sister was telling me i need to make a decision & stick by it. I fought long and hard that night, thining about postive & negative points. I finally came to the decision that i would abort the baby, I mean i had no money, no life and no father what could i offer the baby, i had nothhing left to give. I told my friends about my final decision, people tired to change my mind but i had to stick to my guns and thinks about what was best, i just ignored other people opinons & tryed to act as normal as i could i mean waht else could i do . Then the nights when i got in from school that was when i broke down and showed my true feelings towards what was happening.

Abortion day: I remember this day as if it yesterday. Friday the 12th october i got up early that morning as the appointment was at alf 9 . I remember geting up that day & geting ready but crying & shaking it was unstoppable i couldnt stop it, Millions of thinks were runing wild round my head, i couldnt focus on anything except what was i was about to do. We arrived at the hospital and sat in a room waiting to be called in, there was alots of other girls in the room they where much younger than i was 13, 14 it was wierding sitting there knowing all these other girls where going through the same things i was going through, i just sat there i tired to focus myself. Time after my name was called out, it felt lyk beeing called in the headmasters office when uve done something wrong, Just sayin someones name means there next in line to get rid of this little life inside of me. I Came into the doctors office and then this man was sayin i can back out of this at anytime, i didnt even think i just said no & tryed not to think about it. After the first pill i didnt feel anything, my mind was taking the pain for me, my emotions where all over the place, i couldnt thinks staright. I remember coming out of the office and crying for the first time infront of my siter, i felt ashamed my sister just said stay strong you don't want to worry the other girls. When i took the second pill the pain was horrible, it was like having cramp pains but for hours on end. That day ended so fast, it was the biggest choice ive ever made and to be honest i feel like i regret doing what i did, but you have to keep your head up and move on cause you cant change the past.

For them on. Lets just say it been a long & difficult journey, its not something you just forget about, Every morning i get up i think about what ive done, it will live on forever in my heart.

This website has help me express what ive been through, its something that other people have been though, so i gues its someone to talk to & i hope lots of other girls can read my blog and refer to me. STACIE. (: