Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Brooklyn Public House

Bathroom situation - two single-person rooms, one M, one F. Both are a fuckin notch or two too clean and nice for a Pub, which makes Visceralist a little nervous (which, in turn, makes it difficult for Visceralist to urinate...so it's like "concentrate, concentrate...think of that one Calvin & Hobbes strip where Hobbes tries to make Calvin have to pee in the middle of the night to get him back for some earlier diss"). You know how that go.Takes credit cards? - it's easy as dick to run up a $100 tab for a party of 4, so they damn sure better take a Discover Card or two. There may be a minimum, but we here at Visceralist like to keep our evenings out nice and wasted (Gucci!), so we don't really recall.Crowded on weekends? - yeah, but not so bad that you'll "accidentally" get pressed up against that friend of a friend you have a crush on on your way to the bathroom [ed. you're still sayin "crush"?! Goddamn...witchyo Power Ranger ass.]Seating - 15ish stools at the bar, 4 or 5 tables in the front part, and a bunch of booths & one big table running up the middle in the back. It's ample like Megan Mullaly (shouts out to Party Down season 2).Neighborhood - Ft. Greene is still Visceralist's favorite BK hood, so you won't hear too much nonsense spilling out of our keyboard here. You will in the rest of the categories though.Pretentious/assholes - Christine Z. wrote the following in her 1-star Yelp review of this place:

Thank you for trying to make my birthday not fun. Seriously, the waitresses here kept trying to make everyone sit down the whole night and kept regulating on everything we were doing. We brought 15 people there for some serious drinking and they just made everything so difficult. Ever here of giving someone a shot on their birthday? No cause that would too difficult at this place.

This is the type of place where you would run into the cast of The Real World Brooklyn.

So clearly, most of the cunts(this word is not gender-specific, btw) that do wander in here don't come back.Cost of Stella - that's $6 you'll never see again, but won't regret.What time people start showing up - god, why do you people keep asking us all these damn questions?! God, can't we just do our own thing at home for a week or so? Is that so bad? Why you all up under us?!Bartender efficiency - this is gonna sound like Visceralist is on the take (we wish) or that we know the owner, but the service here has never been a problem or an issue or a complaint or a "blerg" or a :-/ or anything like that there.Official Website -here. It ain't the best thing since breath and it does have its food menus in .pdf format (which is idiotic, btw...just HTML that shit up), but it's cute enough and reasonably serviceable (just like the waitresses!).Food? How late - basic pub food served past 12. Bangers and fish and mash and chips (not in that order...unless you order it like that. Now that's an order!).TVs? What's on - nah, playboy...so don't roll up in here expecting to see Peep Show, or Little Britain or The InBetweeners or Mighty Boosh or Extras or any of that other sub-The Office (UK) bullshite.Guy:girl ratio - this isn't really the kind of place where you meet someone new and hit it off and hit it raw. Most people here already knew the people that they came and left with. If you have any theories as to why this is (looking at you, Christine Z.), leave them in the comments.Age of clientele - some people like to say that 40 is the new 30, but really 30 isn't even the new 30, so if you're in your 20s, you might feel a little in over your head. That's life!Space for dancing? - getchyo crip-walkin ass outta here!ID Check Procedure - if you actually get carded here, getchyo Pratt-studyin ass back down the block!Music medium, style & volume - Visceralist is late on this, sure, but how hot is Snoop's "I Wanna Rock" beat? Gets us in the mood to get back to our science-droppin days and mark up that track like Kurt Cobain's inner-elbows (too soon?).Specials or most popular drink - they got a gang of beers on tap, so even the most prudish, conservative imbiber can find something here to get drunk on and then hit on that chick that he knows his friend is kinda dating when said friend goes to the bathroom. The Robbery has been committed!Map