I Never thought I would

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I never, in a million years, would have thought that I would lose my faith in God.

I was "saved" when I was seven years old at a vacation bible school at the church my family attended. It was a Wednesday night. We had finished our game time and snacks, and we were all filing into the sanctuary to here the message. The preacher began telling how God made us and loved us very much, but that we were sinners, unable to do the right thing and obey God. He explained that God loved us so much that he sent Jesus to die for our sins so that if we believed in him, we would go to heaven when we died instead of hell.

I had heard this message many times before and was convicted by it. That night, I decided I would pray to be saved. I walked down to the front where the preacher, my aunt, and cousin all lead me in a prayer to ask Jesus into my heart. It was a very emotional experience for me. I believed I was truly saved.

I spent pretty much all of my teen years actively involved in my youth group. I was very passionate about knowing God and learning more about how to follow him and please him. At about the age of fourteen, I began reading the bible intensely. I discovered verses I had never heard preached before. I decided to pray and ask God to help me understand these verses even if it meant I had been wrong in my beliefs. Little did I know this was the beginning of my deconversion.

Slowly, over the years that followed, I began questioning more and more. All the while, I was an active Christian and firmly believed in Jesus and my salvation. Recently, I have been confronted with the evidence that the bible can't be true (this was the cornerstone of my beliefs). I had noticed the contradictions in the Bible for years, but had heard many convincing apologetic arguments that convinced me they weren't really contradictions.

Recently I found others that I cannot reconcile.

For instance, the contradictory accounts of Judas's death, and contradictory timelines of Jesus' activities in the gospels (events that explicitly say after this Jesus did that, then in another gospel it is the other way around). The final blow was the evidence that Judaism, as is shown in the Old Testament, morphed out of polytheism, that their original conception of God was a copy of the gods of the Canaanites who's religion predated theirs. Above all these things, the one thing that finally convinced me the Bible isn't true is the irreconcilable contrast between the genocidal Old Testament god and the New Testament god who loves EVERYONE and wants all to be saved.

Now, I'm struggling with fear, having no one to talk to about all this. That's why I'm here sharing my story. I need help.