New Hampshire Republican Torn Between Two A-Holes

HAMPTON PASS, NEW HAMPSHIRE — Jason Hubert is a lifelong Republican who has lived in New Hampshire since he moved there with his family as a teenager in 1989. Jason told us recently that he feels “torn” between two candidates in his state’s upcoming primary election, and he can’t choose which — Ted Cruz or Donald Trump — he’ll vote for.

“I’m really torn between two assholes,” Hubert told us as he sat down to eat at his local Taco Bell. “I really feel like I’m trapped between to cocks and a hard place,” he continued as he opened a Fire Sauce packet and emptied the contents onto his Burrito Supreme. Hubert said as a Republican he’s been “brought up to admire assholes like Ronald Reagan for convincing America government is evil no matter what” and “assholes like President Dick Cheney who led us through the glorious and completely necessary Iraq War.” But this time, he’s just not sure which way to lean.

As he tore into his Mexican Pizza next, Hubert calmly explained to us that, “Cruz is an asshole who thinks his religion gives him the right to oppress gay people and will carpet bomb countries if they look at him funny,” Hubert said, “and Trump is a reality-TV star who has been unabashedly pumping out racist, xenophobic and ignorant rhetoric the kinds of which we Republicans really respond to,” which is why he is confused.

“They’re almost like the same person,” Hubert said, “it’s almost like Trump is just getting Cruz to align himself with all the bat shit crazy things he’s saying so that come time for the general election, most sane people will associate Cruz with Trump and vote for anyone else. But I think America is ready for another asshole president, and who knows? Maybe this one will be the biggest asshole of yet!”

Mr. Hubert said that if he hasn’t decided by the time the primary election is held, he will probably “flip a coin” to determine which asshole to vote for.

“I’ll just break out my Confederate half-dollar and let the spirit of one of America’s finest assholes, President Jefferson Davis, guide me through it,” Hubbard said. He said that he knew “deep down” no matter who he voted for “some asshole will get my vote, and as a Republican” he said, “that makes me sleep well at night.”

Current polling shows Trump with a commanding lead in the Granite State, but with Cruz’s victory in the Iowa caucuses, it’s possible that dynamic could change as well, though Hubbard said he’ll make his call as “a game time asshole decision,” so he doesn’t “have to think too hard about it it until then.”

“Thinking is hard. Voting for Republican assholes is easy,” Hubbard said as he washed down his fake Mexican food with a Pepsi.