Funny Valentine's Day Poems to Give Your Kids (But Not Really)

Judging by the grocery store aisles that have been festooned with pink and red crap since December 26th and have now entered some kind of marketing overdrive where Twilight-themed chocolates have replaced the once-ubiquitous "Be Mine" candies, we must be coming up on Valentine's Day. To be honest, Valentine's Day was never my favorite holiday -- too many commercially-created expectations, if you ask me -- but now that I have kids, I enjoy it a lot more than I used to. It's a great excuse to shower my boys with a little extra sappiness, perhaps even in the form of . . . incredibly bad poetry.

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If you've been looking for something to replace the "Roses are red, violets are etc" in your kid's Valentine, here's a selection of deeply ridiculous poems I wrote when my kids were younger. It's almost disturbing how these are all still true today:

Did you know you are my heart did you know you fill me with happiness did you know you are my everything did you know, my dear, oh did you know It is 5:30 in the freaking morning? GO. BACK. TO. SLEEP.

:::

No offense but if you were on Survivor you would get voted off first. They would say you had a strong personality but they would really mean that you were too whiny wouldn’t eat the coconuts sucked at the puzzles and couldn’t swim for shit.

:::

It seems unfair that on top of all the responsibilities the worry the guilt the raw, tender love I have to clip your goddamn fingernails, too.

:::

I was wondering what your ingredient label would read (if you had such a thing) and I decided it would include:

Sometimes I want to put you in a spaceship and push “Destination: Mars” and wave goodbye to you my sweet and pray for those unsuspecting Martians. But then you smile and laugh with me. And I say oh okay you can stay. Those Martians don’t deserve you anyway.

:::

I love you more than my heart has room for so my love spills everywhere I am a Love Valdez because of you. Baby mine.

:::

Whenever I hold your tiny, eager hands I think Please oh please Let me be so lucky to hold your hands throughout the years Let me hold your reluctant, older hands and remember the days when they were tiny.