Celeste: Wow. I can't get that snackcart lady out of my mind! She's enchanting!

Frylock: Open it, Shake, open it!

Master Shake: HOLD ON! Have to open it first.

Meatwad: Dang, boy. You dang doughnut in the dang fairway.

Master Shake: This is freeway, not a fairway. You dang my way, okay?

Frylock: I don't think you want to hit all this. It's not a good life.

Master Shake: (After winning the tournament, Shake stands on a pedestal with a trophy in hand, with a cheering crowd taking his pictures) Yes, bitches! I am number one in your face! My urine tastes like champagne, I am number one!

Meatwad: (Speaking into a microphone) Congratulations man, this is your first cup championship. We know we gotten close a number of times back in 2001 and 2003, that heartbreaker. But this time, you finally sealed the deal, all because of your caddy, who gave you some really good proper instructions, treated you like the robot that you are cause he's the puppet master pullin' the strings. Tell us... (Gives Shake the microphone) What's going thru your mind?

Master Shake: Well, the big thing I think we all realized out here today is that this sport sucks, big time. (The crowd starts booing him) Golf is for losers. You wanna talk about a real sport, its called "professional football". Cause y'know what, I was scouted in College, I coulda totally gone pro.

Carl: Hey, this is Carl, and yeah, I'm plenty pissed...at God for forsaking Kurt Warner in my time of need when he was a New York football Giant. And now He's working in completely mysterious and retarded ways by letting the Cardinals play in the Super Bowl. Listen, the state of Arizona is only good for one thing: testing A-bombs so the people from the good states don't get hurt. Pittsburgh's gonna be up by 24 before O-Town can say "My country, 'tis of thee," but I'm gonna give all you party bookies some Super Dull XLIII over/unders to keep your guests from killing themselves before halftime. Number of human interest stories about Larry Fitzgerald's dad during the pregame show—17; amount of interest I have in a human interest story about Larry Fitzgerald's dad—0. Number of Knight Rider promos we get to see during a booth review—87. Number of times John Madden will somehow work Brett Favre into the conversation and gently stroke his nipple with one of his fat outstretched fingers—9. Number of strippers Adam "Pacman" Jones slaps playfully during his pregame analysis—2; number of strippers Adam "Pacman" Jones slaps not so playfully during his pregame analysis—1; number of times Adam "Pacman" Jones slaps Bob Costas for gently asking not to slap a stripper during his pregame analysis—37. Number of concussions Ben Roethlisberger will suffer during the pregame stretch, "God Bless America", and the coin toss—2. Number of Jonas Brothers riding a surfboard with a computer-generated porcupine in an effort to raise your awareness of Tostito's brand Garlic and Cinnamon Corn Chips—3. Number of children Kurt Warner adopts during the second half—2; number of children Kurt Warner sacrifices to Jesus during the second half cause he was told to in a dream—3. Number of times Anquan Boldin kisses his fist and thanks Jesus for blessing him with running a successful 12-yard slant—1. Number of minutes Jesus actually spends watching the Super Bowl—0. Number of times Bruce Springsteen sings the acoustic song from the Philadelphia movie about the Vietnam POW with AIDS—0. Number of times Matt Leinart will say, "I'm goin' to Disneyland"—0; number of times Matt Leinart will eventually go to Disneyland because, at some point, he's gonna be that dude runnin' the on/off lever at the Magic Spinnin' Teacups—3. He's gonna get cut from that job too. Those are the actual Vegas over/unders through a true insider! Now go make some money, dummy, cause I'm pissed!