Hobbit Brigade poised for ‘mini troop surge’ to Afghanistan

THE PENTAGON — Following repeated calls for a “mini troop surge” to assist the struggling Afghan security forces, the Army’s Second Hobbit Brigade has begun preparations to deploy.

Military leaders and defense experts think the small but effective force is exactly what is needed to right-size American presence in the country.

“The generals asked for a mini troop surge, so I’m giving them the miniest troops we have,” said President Donald Trump, noting that such surges have always worked in the past. “You haven’t even seen mini until you’ve seen this troop surge.”

The brigade, which will be supported by engineers from the 71st Dwarf Regiment, has already conducted final preparations and is ready to deploy on short-order.

Gen. John Nicholson, commander of U.S. forces in Afghanistan, still has some apprehensions about the logistical requirements of the halflings, who are known to eat up to seven meals a day. While he says he doesn’t doubt their stout fighting spirit, he admits the unit is not exactly what he had in mind when he asked the Joint Chiefs of Staff for a “scaled-down” brigade combat team.

“We haven’t even been able to win this war with regular-sized troops, so I don’t see how miniature ones will be able to change that,” he said. “Now if we could get some Elven troops, that might swing the balance in our favor.”

Still, he says he senses a “real fellowship” within the brigade and is hopeful they will provide the tiny nudge needed to finally “throw the Taliban into the cracks of doom.”

“It’s all about little victories,” he said.

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A demobilized Mobile Infantryman currently serving as Chief Cryptozoologist for the State of Rhode Island, he specializes in growing mustaches, deadlifting in silkies, and picking fights with '90s-era wrestlers.