'Please stop trying to ruin pregnancy for pregnant women'

Waddling through a department store when I was heavily pregnant with my eldest, I was an easy and frightfully slow target for the crazy lady who seemed far too invested in both my immediate future and my wellbeing.

“Oh, you poor thing!” she exclaimed joyfully as she sized up my massive belly barely contained under a shirt. “You’re about to go through SO. MUCH. AGONY!!”

She said it just like that, with the huge Cheshire Cat smile, a glimmer in her eye and at least two – possibly more – exclamation points, before dissolving into a fit of giggles as she no doubt visualised just how much agony I would soon be in.

Now, she was not my first or last during that pregnancy, but she was certainly the most memorable member of the club I like to call Joy Crushers: those who try to take snatch joy from others for reasons known only to themselves.

Life’s hard enough without having to hear an endless stream of negativity. (Supplied)

It can be the guy at the wedding telling the bride to "watch out, because it’s been statistically proven that one in three marriages end in divorce," or it can be the woman telling the nearest and dearest of a patient in remission to "get a second opinion, because they thought my mum was in remission and then the ultrasound lit up like a Christmas tree."

They’re extreme cases, of course; more often than not, Joy Crushers can be found hovering around pregnant women describing all of the millions of ways their lives are going to go to hell in a handbasket once the baby comes - if the baby comes. Is that even a baby? Why are you so small/big/carrying like that, anyway?

Today I had lunch with a dear friend of mine to celebrate the baby in her belly 40 months in the making.

LISTEN: The latest episode of our Honey Mums podcast delves into one of the least pleasant aspects of pregnancy. (Post continues.)

After years of mournfully holding hands after failed IVF attempts, hormone injections, and false starts, we were finally able to clink water glasses to the baby she has waited so long for – well, we did, until the waiter arrived and began making a little bit of noise himself.

"Oh, I hope you’re enjoying this baby-free lunch because it is going to be a nightmare for you soon enough, and that’s if you can even get out in the first place," he began.

"You go out for a lunch thinking you can enjoy some nice family time and before you know it, your kids are running amok and you start thinking, ‘Well, why did I even bother with lunch and why did I even bother having kids?'"

Like a preacher on a pulpit faced with what he believed was a captive audience (we were shocked into silence), he carried on, listing all the things she’d no longer be able to do once her baby came home from hospital.

She’d no longer be able to go on holidays of course, her career would be in the toilet by the end of the year and her relationship not too far behind. “And of course, you can say goodbye to sleep, good music, watching any kind of movie that’s above PG and blah blah blah."

(I'd tuned out by then, but having been pregnant a few times myself I’m pretty well-versed in how this particular diatribe goes.)

Like a feral pigeon, he shat all over her hopes and dreams just because he could. Because she had something he obviously did not: happiness.

There is no reason your relationship (or your sex life) must be negatively impacted. (Supplied)

My question is, why not let them have that happiness, regardless of what you yourself are going through in life? Why crap all over someone who has a right to enjoy those precious nine months of baby-building and dreaming before she works everything out for herself?

Life’s hard enough without having to hear an endless stream of negativity, so here is what I have to say to every pregnant woman out there:

- Some babies sleep all the time, like cats or drugged-out koalas. There’s every chance you’ll get one of those.

- Some babies are so easy, you’ll worry you’ll leave them somewhere accidentally. I had one of those and that first year of motherhood was an absolute pleasure. The other baby, not so much, but it’s good to know it happens.

- Your career could improve after you have a baby. Countless studies show managers view mothers as commanders of time management skills and productivity. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

- There is no reason your relationship (or your sex life) must be negatively impacted.

- You will be able to go out to dinner, have drinks with friends and go on holidays by yourself with a bit of planning, and this gets easier as your kids get older. This isn’t an ‘Invasion of the Body Snatchers’ situation; you are still you and with a bit of time, you will go back to normal broadcasting.

- The birth may not hurt at all. I had a c-section and as much as it would have upset that woman in the department store, I was practically tapdancing by the following afternoon. Also, this is a good time to tell you that some c-sections can be wonderful (don’t let them frighten you).

- You will be a good mother because no one will know your baby quite like you do. Even if you don’t quite know what you’re doing, your baby’s memory doesn’t kick in for a couple of years so if you put the odd nappy on back to front, they’re never going to remember it.

- You are the master of the remote control. This means you can decide what kind of music is played in your car and what kind of shows and movies you watch. You most certainly do not have to give yourself over to the likes of The Wiggles and Dora if you do not want to, and that’s perfectly okay.

- Hurt people hurt people. It’s a good one to remember the next time someone tries to crap all over you.