In the future, we'll all be Radcouverites

Lots of people go to lots of different places for their summer vacation. But this year, my family and I went to a different time: The future.

In the future, I discovered a large city on the west coast of Canada. It is made of glass and chrome and its name is Radcouver. Our plane landed at night, giving us a breathtaking vista of the city, lights twinkling, harbour gleaming.

Radcouver is located in a geographically stunning place — on an inlet with access to the Pacific Ocean. Within one short ride of your jet pack, you can see sandy beaches and shady forests, mountains with ski runs, fancy downtown stores, toe-tingling suspension bridges, hedge-hidden mansions and harrowing inner-city streets.

In four days of sunny, warm weather — there are rumours it rains there sometimes — we did all the touristy things that tourists do. My research may be slightly skewed to the positive, but I can only conclude that things are pretty much perfect in Radcouver.

The hyper-intelligent city planners long ago solved many of the problems that continue to plague those of us living in the past. I was amazed to learn, for instance, that thousands of people live downtown. They buy or rent homes inside tall glass castles. The most impressive of these have magnificent views of the harbour.

In the age I live, waterfront skyscraper homes are rarely built, and then only after 30 years or so of hand-wringing.

As you might expect, it’s extremely expensive to live in Radcouver. Condos cost millions of dollars per square inch. But they’re full. Conclusion: In the future, everyone will be rich. I can hardly wait.

In Radcouver, there is a downtown stadium and arena where their football and hockey teams play. You can walk to them from your hotel. I’m telling you, these people are geniuses.

We can only dream of the amenities that exist in the future. If citizens get hungry during the day, they can buy creative, tasty food from chefs who have kitchens on wheels. These “food trucks” seemed to be very popular.

When they get too full of wild salmon and pulled pork, Radcouverites head to the street in front of the downtown library and relax on an art installation consisting of huge beanbag chairs. This is Radcouver’s idea of urban sprawl.

Traffic is a problem, but there are virtually no pickup trucks in the future. People get around in cars — BMWs and four-door Porsches mainly, with a healthy selection of drool-worthy Ferraris and Bentleys. They have superb taste in cars, Radcouverites do. Even their taxicabs are cool — countless mango-coloured Toyota Prius hybrids. It occurred to me that getting hit by a mango-coloured Prius might actually be good for you.

When they’re not driving their cars, the people of the future ride bicycles. Indeed, they have special bicycle lanes. It’s almost as if the mayor wants to encourage biking. To be fair, there are bike lanes in the city where I live as well. Pickup drivers use them to pass cars on the right.

For alternative transportation, the people of the future build zip lines. A zip line is a sturdy cable on which you hook wheels, on which you suspend a harness, in which you strap yourself. You then go flying over forests and valleys. I tried it. I’m hooked.

Oh, there were flaws in Radcouver, cracks in its perfectly botoxed face. The poverty can’t be hidden. It’s not nice leaving a restaurant, stuffed with seafood pasta and craft-brewed ale, only to be confronted by a fellow with a cardboard sign begging you to help his pregnant girlfriend. But it’s easy to get distracted in Radcouver and . . . hey! A cruise ship!

You never forget your first cruise ship. How can something so big float? In amazement, you count the glass-enclosed balconies where the richest of the rich will eat baked alaska on their trip to Alaska. On the pier below, workers use forklifts to fill the ship with supplies — water and watermelons, flour and flowers.

The synchronized movement of the workers makes a mesmerizing ballet and it comes with a unique soundtrack — the groan and drone of float planes landing and taking off nearby. The hustle and bustle are dizzying.

The place I live has some interesting things as well, mind you: An annual zombie walk, a Shakespeare festival, a summer fair. But Radcouver had all these things happening ON THE SAME DAY. Not to mention an anime convention — thousands of kids in elaborate costumes emulating their favourite fantasy character. In the future, I predict there will be an anime convention every day, in every city in the world.

We flew out of Radcouver and back to the past with our heads spinning with the wealth and busyness and business and pleasure and poverty and positively perfect scenery.

In the city I live, we’re a few mountains and an ocean short of ever matching that intoxicating vibe. And our cold winters will always be a deal-breaker. But if there’s one thing I learned from my trip to the future, it’s this: We damn well better get our own zip line.

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