The 15 Stages of Every Stupid Couple Fight

Every couple has had one of these: a completely STUPID fight, predicated on a completely meaningless argument over pretty much nothing at all, that nearly spirals out of control and somehow comes close to ending your relationship. We may never quite know WHY we allow ourselves to get caught up in these stupid fights, but at least we can take comfort in knowing that we're not alone.

1. Be having, like, a totally normal pleasant day

Everything's, like, pretty fine. You both are watching TV and drinking a little. Maybe you each had a few shitty things happen that day at work that left a little simmering anger that you need to find a healthy outlet for.

WARNING: you have never been good at finding healthy outlets for pretty much any impulse.

2. One of you says something completely innocuous

"Hey, did you forget to switch the laundry?"

3. The other takes the slightest offense

"Oh, so it's MY duty to switch the laundry? I thought we were partners."

4. Time to dig in. This is the hill you die on.

"WELL, I DID IT LAST TIME. YOU ALWAYS DO THIS, EXPECT ME TO CLEAN AND DO EVERYTHING!"

5. THINGS ESCALATE

"YOU'RE ALWAYS CRITICIZING ME! NOTHING'S EVER GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU IS IT?"

6. Teeter at the edge of breaking up

"IF I'M SO AWFUL WHY DON'T WE JUST BREAK UP?"

"OH SO YOU DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP? YOU JUST WANNA END IT LIKE THIS?!"

7. Making grand proclamations about long-forgotten wrongs

"YOU NEVER APOLOGIZED FOR LETTING YOUR MOM CALL ME 'UNAMBITIOUS'."

"WHAT ABOUT THE TIME YOU FORGOT TO PICK ME UP FROM THE AIRPORT?!"

8. Literally can't remember how in god's name this started

Man, uh, I think it had something to do with the dishes? I think I forgot to do the dishes but now we're arguing about my fear of commitment and the time I got too drunk at Cousin Darren's second wedding.

9. Get pissed and silent for 20 minutes, each of you thinking you're completely in the right and they don't understand you and how did you ever think this could work

"I'M THE RIGHT ONE. THEY'RE THE WRONGEST."

"I'M THE RIGHT ONE. THEY'RE THE WRONGEST."

10. Both realize how fucking stupid this is and how you both got overly defensive but still too proud to admit you did anything wrong.

"Ahhhh shit. I'm in the wrong but I went too far. How the hell do you get out of this?"

"Ahhhh shit. I'm in the wrong but I went too far. How the hell do you get out of this?"

11. Do something normal to signal the fight is over but without actually owning up to your shitty behavior

"Hey, we still got one more episode of Stranger Things. Wanna finish it?"

12. The other one breaks down and apologizes

"Oh yeah, totally. And, uh, sorry for earlier. I was being stupid."

13. Now that THEY'VE apologized, your ego can afford to apologize too.

"No it was my fault, sorry about that."

14. Promise to never fight over something so trivial and stupid ever again

"Yeah, we both need to just keep ourselves in check so we don't get carried away."

Warning: you WILL get carried away again, but it's nice at the moment to think otherwise.

15. Now that you both have cleared the air and resolved the tension that had been building for a while and reminded yourself that you care deeply about your partner, there's only one thing left to do: FUCK LIKE BEASTS