The 12 Days of the War on Christmas: Day 33 (Yuletide Apocalypse)

Every war has its turning point. There's that moment when all hope is lost, when it seems that the enemy is too powerful, that the righteous cannot possibly triumph. With 14 days until Christmas, and 33 days into the 12 Days of the War on Christmas, we've reached that turning point. It's time to look the enemy dead in the eyes and say: "Merry Christmas." There's the man in Cincinnati turning Jesus into a zombie, the people at Quartz attacking gift-giving, horrifying Elf On a Shelf Dad, overly-excited gift mom, hoverboards, and Santacon. Be strong, Christmas soldiers. Today's dispatch from the front lines:

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Zombie Jesus

Good luck finding a more dogged defender of Christmas' honor than Bill O'Reilly. Fox News' four star general in The Culture War was on the case again last night, as it turns out some guy in Cincinnati made a nativity scene where Jesus, Mary, and Joseph are portrayed as zombies. That's why O'Reilly invited Dennis Miller, who apparently still bills himself as a comedian, to joke about donkeys and asses and depicting the Prophet Muhammad.

The War on Gift-Giving

The otherwise excellent website Quartz had the gall to attack "holiday gift-giving" between adults today. Note that the smoking-hot take refused to say "Christmas" in the headline. These insufferable killjoys felt the need to call a season that begins with people trampling each other to get a cut-price flat screen TV a "consumerist chore," and continued on to say that adults exchanging gifts is predictable, awkward, and superfluous. Coal for Quartz.

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Santanacon

Who are these depraved secularists to tell bros they can't guzzle booze all day in a Santa suit, just as Jesus and Thomas Jefferson intended? Yes, "Smooth" by Santana and Rob Thomas is a fire jam. That's no excuse for robbing lower Manhattan of a time-honored and unequivocally awful tradition.

Christmas Gift Tree Tower

A post shared by TheBossMumTV (@thebossmumtv) on Dec 1, 2015 at 2:23am PST

As we know, social media brings out the worst in people. Even during the holidays, when everyone should have a smile perpetually carved into their faces, there are some who just can't accept the unabashed Christmas cheer. One brave mom, in her attempt to share her saintly dedication to the gifting arts, posted her mega-tree on Instagram. It shows a mountain of manufactured, consumer-ized happiness, with only the star peeking out the top. Horrible Instagramers, in an effort to decry her loving purchasing power, are telling her she's a bad mother, and throwing around the term "materialism." We all know "materialism" is a word that doesn't exist during the holidays, much like "consumer-ized."

A Christmas Without Hovering

As we've already reported from the front lines of rhe War on Christmas, there's someone out there sabotaging hoverboards, this year's hottest gift. Throughout the past month, those who would prefer to slowly roll rather than walk, are having their hoverboards catch fire. Now, this evil plot to destroy hovering is succeeding, as hoverboards have been added to the no-fly list. As NPR reports:

"The three biggest airlines in the country are banning hoverboards on their flights. On Thursday, Atlanta-based Delta Air Lines released a statement saying the motorized scooters are no longer allowed in carry-on or checked luggage. United Airlines and American Airlines did the same; United's ban is already in effect, while American's ban starts Saturday."