It’s spring in the Midwest, which means you have absolutely no idea what the weather is going to do. And actually, it’s Kansas, so you have no idea what it’s going to do on any day ever. But after our second mild winter in a row, spring has come early – and it’s come in with gusto. As in gusting winds. At least a few days a week, Mother Nature is out there billowing and blowing the day away, sending allergies rampant through the air. Because of her antics, each of my outdoor rugs is weighted with a rock, and unless the trashcan is at least half full, it sits on its side. There is no point in constantly pulling it upright. Unfortunately, it’s not this glamorous IRL. She won’t stop this spring. Maybe for a day or two she’ll rest, but only to be zooming leaves through the air […]

As previously discussed, I have a lot of hair. Not only in length, but width; each strand of my hair has a larger circumference than the average grower’s locks. If the ’80s were to come back in style, I’d rock it hard … with minimal hairspray. And really, I can only hope they do. Big hair is my absolute jam, and in order to make up for the years of fighting my God-given talent (sheer follicle volume), I think it’s high time I cash in. But first off, let’s start by discussing what could obviously be changed. I could cut my hair, sure. I could chop it off and be done with half of what this post complains about. In fact I have, several times. I’ve gone under the scissors and had my hair shortened to chin length and above. Only I still shed as much and my hair is […]

The term “basic bitch” may be so 2014, but for today, we’re bringing it back. Why? Because it’s fall, and hearing “basic” reminds me, almost exclusive, of everything fall. Seeing as some Internet someone decided to associate the term with everything awesome, it stuck. In my head. Where I’m reminded of every fall awesome thing. Like: Leggings Yes and yes some more. They are comfortable like a vacation for the legs. And you can wear them with baggy shirts … without feeling guilty about it. Whoever talks crap on leggings has never worn them. Or hates being great at life. Pumpkin Flavored Anything Guys, pumpkin tastes delicious. And it’s seasonal, just like every vegetable in the summer or peppermint in the winter. (All of which have a great reputation, BTW.) Let’s all stop talking crap already and leave pumpkin spice alone. Just like Britney. Scarves They’re warm. They’re comfortable. They’re […]

Ladies of long hair, where would we be without the bobby pin? The small, yet incredibly helpful hair tool that keeps our tresses in place. They conceal, they pull in and tuck together, they harness even the thickest of hot mess hair days. And they do it all without so much as a complaint. Sure sometimes they stretch out or twist, but that’s nothing that can’t be fixed with some pliers. (By a man in our lives, obviously. Because we’re women.) Which lets us hold onto this amazing invention even longer. Guys, I’m serious. Bobby pins need a solid shout out. They’re underrated, and I’m ready to give them the thanks they deserve … aside from supporting the financial cause. In History Around the turn of the century, ladies decided, “To hell with this heat” and started chopping off their buns … hair buns, that is. Then they began wearing […]

In my 20-odd years, I’m grown a lot of hair. Like, tens of feet worth, probably. Maybe even hundreds. It just grows quickly. It’s also very thick; ponytails offer record-level headaches – that is, until the next trim and thin. (Believe me, balding dudes, if I could share it, I absolutely would.) With winter coming up, it’s kind of like a built-in scarf. And aside from the thousands I spend per year on hairspray and conditioner, I mostly like having it around. On top of my head that is, not so much for everywhere else it ends up. Like, everywhere; my sheets, the shower, and especially the floor. Vacuuming and sweeping calls for record amounts of clean up clean up. As in a cleaning of the devices you are using to clean. My office chair gets lint rolled every few months, calling for multiple sheets of paper. Even my car […]

In case you missed part one, click here – where I talk about standoffish men and my attraction to long-distance relationships. Getting hit on is … weird. Especially when it’s by creeps. Where men say weird things and make bad jokes on account of trying to impress you. Meanwhile you’re wondering what happened to their social skills and who let them out of elementary school that way. So you try to get rid of them as quickly nicely as possible. There have been some classics in my day, the “No thank you, we don’t want any,” the, “Thanks for the cookie,” the “Why don’t you grab your own ass instead?” and for the super terrify-ers, a straight, “Pop off.” Each of which has had a varying range of leave-me-alone success. Because, let’s face it. You know as soon as you see the guy whether or not you’re interested. Personality can change your […]

Note: this blog was written after it got a record number of requests (three). Keep the topics coming and I’ll keep writing them. When life gives you paint, sometimes you just have to throw it on one another. (Obviously.) And sometimes, you buy a concert ticket and get coated in paint from firefighting-sized hoses. (Less obviously.) And it’s the best thing you’ve done. Like, for a while. Sure your hair got incredibly crispy – more disgusting than it’s been since that one time you got thrown in the mud – or the time you had your tonsils taken out and were doctor-ordered not to tilt back your head for a week. And maybe the paint party was 947 degrees with zero breeze. But you were also with your friends, and at a concert. Where neon paint was being blasted around – so really, how bad could it be? The answer […]