Thursday, 4 October 2012

...I'm really lazy and rubbish, etc. etc....but I've been organising an independent publishing festival in my city and it's taking up all of my time!

I have a sketchbook full of stuff just waiting to be redrawn and uploaded but I need to put the festival first.
Good news though - the fest is next week and I'm getting some comics printed too. I'm sure there will be loads left over so I'll put them up for sale on here.

Thank you to those of you who left nice comments. I promise to get posting again real soon.

Tuesday, 8 May 2012

This is
probably about as interesting as a story about selling Ugg boots on eBay
can get. Let's start at the beginning. I feel that I should give you a
little background information as to how I ended up owning a pair in the
first place. Back in 2006 when I actually gave a shit about what other
people thought of me I had an overwhelming urge to own a pair of Ugg
boots. I just needed a plausible excuse and someone to buy them for me.
Having decided to go on holiday to Iceland over the New Year, I had the
perfect reason and timing. My boyfriend and Nan paid half each (the
boots were £200) and I was happily stomping around like every other
hefty Kate Moss wannabe in the UK (and California). I really thought
that the boots would enable me to look like this:

But the reality was
this:

I wore them to death and in the end they were as completely fucked
as a pair of boots can be; No grip on the soles, holes in the outer and
a smell which can only be described as 'unique'.

Like
many other stuggling freelancers I turn to eBay in times of need to get
money to buy cider and rabbit food so one day I inevitably decided to
put the boots up for sale, knowing that someone, somewhere, would buy
them. I guess I should have seen it coming really...

Eager beaver!

I'm an honest seller. It was Christmas 2006 though so a whole extra year of stink thrown in for free!

Are you sure?

I
decide to subtly take advantage of the situation with a gentle reminder
of the retail price whilst also maintaining my appearance as a decent,
honest person by stating the need for refurbishment.

Sounds pretty damn good to me! Maybe this guy would like to buy all of my stinking, half dead footwear?

'Worth a try' I think to myself, eyeing up the other sweaty morsels that are kicking about my room.

This
is when I start to wonder exactly what he wants my boots for. I imagine
some kind of huge art installation. Maybe a giant Godzilla constructed
entirely of Ugg boots. The back of my mind has other ideas though. We
won't go there...

I
really could have taken advantage here but for some reason my
conscience kicked in. I decide to play along a little bit and humour the
big weirdo.

WTF?!!

*nervous laughter*

Cue extra kisses for being a slut!

I'm
actually sorting though my wardrobe for a sexy ensemble that will
enhance the beauty of these amazing boots whilst also giving me the
opportunity to showcase my model good looks. Who knows, maybe 'P' will
be really impressed then buy all of my worn out shoes and pay me extra
for sexy pics.

Don't worry 'P', I have no intention of cleaning the boots - I don't even do the dishes!

Is this guy for real?!

Understatement...

"jeans or..." Or what?!!!

Yeah of course 'P', BFFs 4 lyfe!!

Ok, confession time - I was selling my Uggs to get the money to pay for my...FITFLOPS -_-

(haters gonna hate...)

Really? You really want me to talk dirty about having wet feet?

I'm just showing off now.

It turns out 'P' had paid before I even sent the pics so I decided to terminate our relationship here. It was for the best...

Sunday, 22 April 2012

I'm so tired and hungover and useless. I hate when I drink too much on a Saturday as Sunday is my favourite day and it's such a shame to write it off. A crying shame in fact (whatever a crying shame is).
I love Sundays because I don't have to hide from random phone calls and knocks at the door and I don't get scary letters through my letterbox.
So anyway, this week I have been most successful at getting free dinners and doing sinful things. I have been most unsuccessful at doing any kind of work as my laptop has been acting like a dick and I've been spending all my time eating said free dinners.
Next week is a bit rubbish because I have to get up at the ungodly hour of 7am on Tuesday as builders are coming to fix my windows, which haven't opened for about 10 years. Little bit of a fire hazard. I had taken to propping them open with 90s films on VHS but apparently that's not cool anymore and the landlord wants to actually fix them. Fair dos. For those of you who don't know me I should probably let you know that I HATE builders. They have been the bain of my life for the past 2 years as there is a building site opposite my flat. They are constantly out there on the roof of the building opposite and can see everything I do, which isn't a lot but involves me wandering about in stained pyjamas, licking plates and carrying out other dirty habits I've acquired through years of single occupancy.
Sometimes the builders heckle me which I find ever so slightly inappropriate and sometimes they start 2 hours earlier than is legal in the morning and sing very loudly as well as making the building shake with their incompetent breaking of large pieces of rock.
I have been privy to such audial delicacies as a previously unheard rendition of Robbie Williams' Angels - "And through is aaaallll, she offers me protection, a lotta love and erections..." - and other rarities.
As you can imagine I am quite anxious about being in my apartment with two builders for 6 whole hours. Especially as my entire apartment is about the same size as one fair sized living room.
Then on Wednesday I have to attend court again because I owe rent and my landlord is trying to evict me.

Thursday, 19 April 2012

So I went to town yesterday and tried a ton of clothes on even though I don't have any money. It was fun and torture mixed together. The torture was multiplied by the fact that whenever I go to TK Maxx I start to really need the toilet in the worst way ever. I don't know why but something about those stark surroundings and rails upon rails of discounted goods forces my bowels to groan like a sinking Titanic. They used to have a toilet in the children's section but it's always out of use now. So there I was, hobbling about with a basket full of summer dresses and a strange silver number which I grabbed for nostalgic value because my mum made me wear something similar to a school disco once and I spent the evening in tears because everyone laughed and called me "Spaceman".
I tried on the clothes but they mostly looked shit and I ended up settling for a new bra instead because my tits looked like a couple of uninflated fire hoses. Thanks number three oh! It seems somewhat ironic that just the day before I got asked for ID when buying superglue in Poundland - apparently I look 20. And like a glue-sniffer.

Tuesday, 17 April 2012

I got ID'd today, buying superglue from Poundland in a last ditch attempt to fix my MacBook.
What do I have to do to look my age? Storm around town in a power-suit with horn rimmed glasses on, snarling at everyone?

Wednesday, 11 April 2012

I got drunk the other day. I say day because it was definitely day and not night.
Not that getting drunk is out of the ordinary for me but it was the kind of drunk where you stagger home, pass out dribbling on the sofa at half past 8 then wake up just before your flat sets on fire because you decided to heat up an enchilada under the grill before you passed out.
Here is my dinner. Yes, I ate it.

Thursday, 5 April 2012

So you might have noticed that us human beings haven't evolved
physically for quite some time. I got to thinking about what the next
evolutionary step could be and I have illustrated my thoughts for you.
As you can see I have retained the sexy
female form that we all know and love - this is for mating purposes, as
is the new super-long tongue (obscured by pizza muzzle). The male of
the species will be issued with a much longer tongue whilst the female's
will be mainly used for snatching coveted objects from lower ranking
females. As you can see from my exceptional illustration, we are
also going to have webbed, amphibian hands and feet - this will help us
to scale buildings if we are late for work. Wings have also been added
for this reason but they are mainly to enable us to get to the cinema on
time. I would now like to draw your attention to the new style of
ear. These ears are blessed with the gift of supersonic hearing but are
also very attractive and festive. We can now find out about any
back-stabbing or opportunities for progression without scrolling through
countless Facebook statuses or tweets. The new human has no body
hair. That's right kids! Body hair is shit and useless so it's been
fazed out. I have left hair on the head however as that is an integral
part of the mating selection. Finally I'd like to introduce to you
the remarkable pizza-sized mouth. We need a lot of energy to scale
buildings and fly around town all day so this was an essential upgrade.