Friday, January 9, 2015

The TGIF Sex Blog [Open Relationships/ Polyamory]

¡Hola Everybody,
It’s been a while… The return of the TGIF Sex Blog? I dunno… A couple of months
ago, there was a brief internet stir when news of the existence of a Brooklyn
tenement dedicated to polyamory relationships came to light [click
here]. I wrote about open polyamory/ open relationships some time ago.

*
* *

Polyamory/ Open Relationships

Is Monogamy Obsolete?

Okay,
a little self-disclosure that will probably take me out the “He’s The One”
Sweepstakes! You all know I like stories…

Late
1970s- early 80s and it’s summer (or very hot) and I’m totally immersed in a
relationship with a complete psycho trust fund baby (I never did heed my
father’s warning not to sleep with anyone crazier than myself). So there I was
on the highway embroiled in an intense argument with a beautiful, irrational
insanely jealous woman. It was one of those interactions that had devolved into
an insightfully delightful give and take such as:

Her:
“Fuck you, Eddie.”

Me:
“No, FUCK YOU, bitch!”

She
used to take out her anger on her driving so I requested to be let off and she
did. So, there I was on a New Jersey highway somewhere stranded. I had never
done this before but out of sheer necessity, I stuck out my thumb and
hitchhiked. Within minutes, two women in a Volkswagen picked me up and we
struck up a conversation. I noticed they were gorgeous, young, and very
energetic. I’m a total flirt and we began this elaborate, sexually-charged
conversation, when I noticed that they had skipped my exit. When I informed
them, the young woman in the passenger seat turned around and with mischief in
her eyes, informed me, “We know, sweetie, we’re kidnapping you.”

I
never pray, but I looked up to the heavens and mouthed the words, “Thank you
God!” and she laughed. Little did I know then that these two women would leave
an indelible mark in my life. Everything, from the way I view sex,
relationships, and jealousy was transformed as a consequence of my relationship
with these two women. To be short, Jodie and Demetria were lovers who
eventually became my lovers.

Late
twenties, in a relationship with two gorgeous, sexually uninhibited women? Heaven!
I think at first the intention was to have this casual hook-up and let it go,
but there was a connection that was almost immediate, and we stuck around (or
at least I did). This was my first experience with what we called at the time,
an “open relationship.”

Eventually,
Demetria and I would develop deeper feelings and she became my primary
relationship. Wait! I’m using terminology that may be foreign to breeders (the
term I use for monogamous people, LOL). Contrary to what you may think, living
within an open relationship is not a free-for-all sex fest. There are
boundaries, considerations, and a level of honesty almost unique to an open
relationship. I could get into all this but it would be ridiculously long and
incomplete. I would suggest the book, The Ethical Slut,
for anyone interested in the many forms of polyamory or open relationships. The
chapter on jealousy alone is worth the price and that’s what I’m going to
address here as briefly as possible.

Everything
went fine at first. It was me and Jodie, Demetria, and we were fuckin’ up a
storm. I was also getting a crash course in cunnilingus, the G-Spot, and
exploring the sexual frontiers available to us in ways that was wholly
liberating. There was communication, sexual / emotional / spiritual needs and
wants were discussed early, and I was clear on all of it, intellectually.

Yeah,
I was cool with everything until the day Demetria met a man she wanted to have
sex with. That got me twisted. We (or rather, I) got into some power/ drama
play, but she made it clear that the ground rules for the relationship were set
from the beginning and if I couldn’t deal with it, then maybe I wasn’t ready to
be in an open relationship.

And
I really wasn’t. However, I had a lot of affection for Demetria and Jodie, so I
tried to deal with my feelings of jealousy. At first, I thought it impossible
and even left, promising myself I wouldn’t come back. Instead, I stayed home
and for the first time in my life, I allowed myself to experience the jealousy
without becoming overwhelmed. Eventually, I was able to see through the
jealousy and see it really wasn’t about Demetria or betrayal, but my own deeply
felt insecurity that served as a roadblock to loving deeply and openly.

Demetria
was one the most loving, knowledgeable, and supportive lovers I have ever had
the pleasure of knowing. I grew because of my relationship with her and she too
had her moments of jealousy and doubts. The thing that made it different was
that everything was on the table for discussion. There was this absolute and
fearless honesty in that relationship that has been rare. We were able to
discuss almost anything in a supportive and loving environment and that went a
long way towards dissolving my own insecurities and allowing myself to be
loved.

I
would spend the first half of the 1980s involved in open relationships and as I
grow older, I am again questioning the wisdom of monogamous relationships. The
older I get, the more I question the assumption that one person has to be the “be
all/ end all” of a relationship. One thing is for sure, my life has been richer
because of these experiences.

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My life experiences have led me to strive to help others move their lives in a positive direction, exploring opportunities that would otherwise be closed to them. I like to think I sit at the crossroads of the dialectic between knowledge and action. I hope that what transpires here is reflective of my beliefs.