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Clingy Girlfriend

February 26th, 2018, 05:23 PM

I've been with my girlfriend for 1.5 years now. In the beginning, I didn't want her in my life but she kept trying until I gave it a shot. I saw many qualities in her that I value and can't find in many women. I wasn't in love, but I decided to stay with her, knowing that in the long run it would pay off. It's been a roller coaster ever since. Her chasing me, me pushing her away. We've had over 40 discussions on me not being ready for a relationship, not being deeply in love with her, etc. We've always found a solution and have grown stronger. I can say today that I am now attached (not necessarily in love). However, she is also my best friend and I want what's best for her.

I have great dreams that I've been working on for the past 5 years. I've been extremely busy working on myself and pushing my personal limits to achieve my goals. This is part of the reason why I wasn't ready to be in a relationship in the first place; I put a lot of energy in my career, which means that I put less energy in my relationships. To me a relationship is worthless if I can't develop feelings strong enough due to my head being somewhere else.

But, she's accepted the fact that we only see each other 2 days a week and has given me plenty of time and space to concentrate on my work. She is a very understandable woman, which is one of the qualities she possesses. But I still have that fear that it's not the right time for me to be in a relationship, that I have to put 7 days a week into my dream instead of 5. She does encourage me to keep working hard, and admires my work, but I still feel dragged down somehow.

I moved to the big city to network with other individuals to grow my business. Thus, I'm meeting a lot of different people, including other women. This is one of the many things my girlfriend doesn't like but accepts. She will once in a while tell me, "You're mine and mine alone." or "Us is forever." It seems like she is constantly trying to convince me that we love each other. It's been like that since day 1. When I would push her away, she would bring up the potential we had to become a solid couple. She's right, the communication is excellent and we truly have fun together. But I have the feeling I've been manipulated into this relationship and now I'm stuck in it because I don't want to hurt her.

Here's what makes me want to back off even more: she is now copying my moves to become closer to me and have something in common with me. I applied for a job in a certain field in relation to my dream job and got accepted. A month later, she applied too without telling me and now has an interview. This happened 2 weeks after I told her we didn't have any hobbies in common and that all we did was watch TV. I get that she is doing efforts to prove me we do have something in common, but I don't feel like she's doing it for herself.

She's been wanting to be part of my life for almost 2 years now. She is doing everything to keep me. I think she's deeply in love with me but I cannot reciprocate those emotions. And I also feel like she is showing her love in the wrong way. Since I'm an independent guy, doing my thing, I hate that someone is trying to enter my already tight bubble.

I gave this relationship a try, and this girl would be perfect for me in the future to build a family, but we are not at the same place in life right now. She doesn't have a high school diploma and still lives at her parents. I live 1 hour away trying to make ends meet. I fear that she will follow my path and end up miserable because it is not what she truly wants. I feel like she is concentrating on me so much, that she is forgetting about herself. I feel like the only way to help her is to leave her.

Any recommendations on how I should approach the situation? Is there any hope left?

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Being fond of someone is not enough to have a meaningful relationship. You need to sit down and tell her the truth about how you feel without sugarcoating it. She might be happier in the long run without you.

"What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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I am afraid of hurting her, as I love to see her happy and apparently, I make her happy. I also somewhat still have hope that we can get past this but am I being unrealistic?

The "happiness" you think you see in her now, is a lie.
She's convincing herself she's happy, just as she's convincing herself that you two are a happy couple and truly in love. It's all just a weak and fragile little card house, moments away from falling apart.
The fact that deep down she actually knows you don't love her, is probably causing her all sorts of anxiety. It explains the clingy behaviour too.

You know when she will be truly happy? When she finds someone who's crazy about her! Someone who dreams of her, loves her more than she ever imagined she could be loved. This guy is not you.
You're not good for her. It's not your fault that you don't love her, but that doesn't make it right.
You want her to be happy? Let her have that. Let her go, and allow her to move on.

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I'm confused!
You have been working hard on your career goals for years , get a job, she applies for similar job, is called for interview and then you have the audacity to say she doesn't have a high school diploma. ?????

Really?? Sounds to me like she is doing better than you without the focus.

What you need to get past is your ego!?
Poor you got forced into an 18 month relationship! How did she do that? What an amazing girl , to be able to do that!
She should aim for a celebrity next. I will even buy her book when she releases it.

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I am afraid of hurting her, as I love to see her happy and apparently, I make her happy. I also somewhat still have hope that we can get past this but am I being unrealistic?

Fuuus, doesn't sound like you respect her though. She's not as educated and she follows you around like a puppy dog which is unattractive. She sounds like a nice girl but I completely get that she's just not for you. She's got no damn mind of her own! Your ideas and focus have become hers! No innovation, creativity or any real personality other than her unique ability to clone herself into you. Oh please. Break up with her via a card or flowers but end it. This is so pathetic. She has to stand on her own two feet. Her running around after you and her level of endurance makes me think she's terrified of being alone and the fact that she's acquiesced to your type of lifestyle with the women and your work hours makes me also think that she's got no damn backbone! Gross! Move on.

You want to be with someone who's your equal but not your clone, someone who knows when to put herself before you and draw lines. A real woman who knows what she wants out of life and had aspirations, goals and dreams BEFORE she met you.

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I'm confused!
You have been working hard on your career goals for years , get a job, she applies for similar job, is called for interview and then you have the audacity to say she doesn't have a high school diploma. ?????

Really?? Sounds to me like she is doing better than you without the focus.

What you need to get past is your ego!?
Poor you got forced into an 18 month relationship! How did she do that? What an amazing girl , to be able to do that!
She should aim for a celebrity next. I will even buy her book when she releases it.

Take your head out of your ass!

I`m sorry you took this the wrong way. I got a job in relation to my dream job, this job is to help me develop my skills. No diploma is required for this. When I say she has no high school diploma, I mean that she has no goals and she`s lost. I try to help her find herself through hobbies and activities we do together but nothing works. Even her parents have a hard time with her.

It seems to me, according to your reaction, that you may be or have been in the same shoes as my girlfriend. If that`s the case, how do you think she feels with all of this?

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Fuuus, doesn't sound like you respect her though. She's not as educated and she follows you around like a puppy dog which is unattractive. She sounds like a nice girl but I completely get that she's just not for you. She's got no damn mind of her own! Your ideas and focus have become hers! No innovation, creativity or any real personality other than her unique ability to clone herself into you. Oh please. Break up with her via a card or flowers but end it. This is so pathetic. She has to stand on her own two feet. Her running around after you and her level of endurance makes me think she's terrified of being alone and the fact that she's acquiesced to your type of lifestyle with the women and your work hours makes me also think that she's got no damn backbone! Gross! Move on.

You want to be with someone who's your equal but not your clone, someone who knows when to put herself before you and draw lines. A real woman who knows what she wants out of life and had aspirations, goals and dreams BEFORE she met you.

That's exactly how I feel Rose... Something I didn't mention is that she is diagnosed with epilepsy. Her medication reduces her balance and affects her daily life. Her parents have become more protective of her ever since the diagnosis. Her mom cooks her food every day and treats her like a 12 year old daughter. This is not helping her move on with her life.

I guess this is one more reason I still have hope, because we both know the cause of her dependency on me. I've tried leaving her once and she had a panick attack and started shaking. I am not capable of leaving her and seeing her hurt. I'd feel horrible leaving her through text message or a phone call but I think that's the only solution.

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Arrange to meet her in person and even though it will be ugly, tell her that you're not ready to for a committed relationship with her at this time. If she persists by asking you why, tell her the truth just like you did here, OP. She is not going to like it, she will be hurt to be sure but get it over and done with. Break ups are painful especially for those who are on the receiving end of your initiation but it's also unfair to both of you to hold onto a relationship when one part of the couple is truly unhappy. Do the dirty deed and be done with it. A lesson for you in the future: Take a break from relationships so you won't break anymore hearts.

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Well, 12 years old is certainly optimistic. It's exactly your soft, enabling nonsense that has got you both in this hot soup so until you make up your mind, this situation isn't changing and I can see now why your mother and sister are irritated with you because they never see you. You're a bundle of contradictions and wasting your time in a relationship that's not only going nowhere, there was no spark at all. You understand that this is related to your self-worth, don't you? You did mention that you're having trouble with seeing eye to eye with your family and thinking of yourself as less-than. I don't think a relationship is a good idea for you either but you didn't need anyone to tell you that. I just don't think you have the presence to stick to what you feel is right. Being single for awhile and going it alone can be very rewarding and may boost your self-confidence. Have you been single for any particular period?

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Well, 12 years old is certainly optimistic. It's exactly your soft, enabling nonsense that has got you both in this hot soup so until you make up your mind, this situation isn't changing and I can see now why your mother and sister are irritated with you because they never see you. You're a bundle of contradictions and wasting your time in a relationship that's not only going nowhere, there was no spark at all. You understand that this is related to your self-worth, don't you? You did mention that you're having trouble with seeing eye to eye with your family and thinking of yourself as less-than. I don't think a relationship is a good idea for you either but you didn't need anyone to tell you that. I just don't think you have the presence to stick to what you feel is right. Being single for awhile and going it alone can be very rewarding and may boost your self-confidence. Have you been single for any particular period?

I was single for 2.5 years prior to my ex. It was a horrible relationship where I got manipulated and used to her advantage. After her, I was alone for 6 short months before engaging in a relationship with this girl. I clearly wasn’t ready. I saw her yesterday and told her I needed two weeks to think this through. I told her the truth. She said “if you leave me, I will dissappear and you’ll never see me again. I will not wait after someone who has no interest in me.” I told her that was the right thing to do. Now I have 2 weeks to see if I’m happier without her. It also gives us both a chance to get used to the possibility that we might go seperate ways.

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I did that with an ex. It was the other way around. He took a two week break to think things over. The problem was he made a mistake after two weeks were over. When he came back he wanted to work on it some more. Two months later on a business trip and after helping him pack/organize and dropping him off at the airport in my car, kissing him and wishing him a great trip all smiles, the first night in the hotel at 9:30 PM that same night he dumped me over the phone in Chicago. At the time it was the worst break up I ever experienced (in retrospect, he was just looking for an easy way out and he couldn't make a wise decision when put on the spot). You're on the spot right now. Don't make the wrong decision.