The Adoption Journey of Kat & Dave Ray

Month: July 2014

to Those Who Wait. Is there anyone that has not heard this phrase over and over again in their lives? And we all know it to be true. Yet Dave and I have never felt the power of these words as strongly as we have these past couple of weeks in particular. This adoption journey has been much like a roller coaster thus far. We knew this would not be an easy process. Our social worker even said to us in the beginning, “Adoption is not for the faint of heart.” But I am not sure we were truly prepared for just how challenging it would be at times. Others that have been through the adoption process have shared similar experiences with us. So we know that this is all part and parcel for some families.

We learned this the hardest of ways this week. As soon as we had decided on which adoption agency we wanted to use and that we did indeed want to pursue the China program, we were told that we could request information about children listed on our agency’s website. I won’t go into all the details here but we did find a child we had hoped to pursue for adoption. And we held out great hope while waiting for news about our request. Because what else would we do?

Unfortunately, we found out after about a ten day wait that this was not going to happen for us with this particular child. And our hearts were broken. And we felt devastated. I didn’t know I could feel this way about a child I had never met. We had seen only three pictures. We had been sent a 45 second video to watch. That was it. Yet we felt this huge sense of loss when we were given the news. Which probably sounds strange to some of you reading this. And it is probably impossible to explain to anyone else that has not been on this journey before. And, to be fair to our agency, this is not normally how the process works. Normally, you complete most (if not all) of your paperwork and then you begin the matching process. So we did “jump the gun” a bit at this point. But that doesn’t take away the sting. It was one of the hardest things we have ever experienced. Yet still there is this great sense of hope that overrides the pain. Why? Because we have complete faith that OUR child is still waiting to find us. Or for us to find him or her. That child was meant for a different family. And we are slowly coming to be at peace with that. And therein lies the roller coaster ride we find ourselves on for now. There was both great excitement and great sadness during this time. And, slowly, the excitement is beginning to return as we feel that hope again. And we again tap into the faith that never left us. And we learn to cultivate the patience that is essential on this journey. The patience from which we will learn. The patience that will serve us well once we actually do have that little one in our home and we are all learning to be a family.

A few HUGE positives right now:

Our home visit with our social worker went exceptionally well this week! AND we have an immaculately clean home to enjoy for a while as a result!

Our home study – one of the biggest parts of the process – is pretty much complete as of this week (home visit was the last part of that process). Our social worker will be sending it to our adoption agency for review. They will, in turn, send it along to the US Government for our immigration approval. So in about 2 months we should get that.

We finished a lot of other dossier paperwork this week and got our passport applications/renewals sent away today as well.

So, little by little, we are making strides both small and large toward creating our forever family.

We are so grateful for those that have shared stories and experiences with us. We are also super thankful for those that have simply offered support on even the smallest of levels. We take great strength from knowing how much love and support there is within our community of friends and family. We will likely need to call upon that love and support many times during this journey both to our child and afterwards! Your words and hugs and love help more than you know. And even though the road may get a little bumpy sometimes, we know with complete faith and certainty that what waits at the end will be more reward than we could have ever imagined. So, thank you.

Dave and I knew before we were ever married that we wanted to adopt. At least one child. The long term plan is two children – eventually. But for now, as we begin our journey into adoption, we have decided that we are going start with just one! And we are now in the process of pursuing the adoption of a Chinese child. We began this process not really knowing what the first steps would be or how to even make them. But as with all first steps, you take them with a bit of trepidation, some blind faith, and, more often than not, a heck of a lot of help and guidance. And we have received that in spades from friends both new and old. Some we knew well, others we only knew casually, and some we’ve never even met in person! Yet they have been there to answer anything and everything. We are realizing that this new community of which we are becoming a part is one of total love and support. Those that have been through this process – some of them multiple times – are not only willing to help but are eager to do so! They are excited and overjoyed about what we are doing and more than happy to hold our hands while helping us to navigate these first steps. And we are so excited, so encouraged, and so very grateful for all those who have already offered guidance in the few short months we have been on this road.

While we are still in what is considered the beginning stages of this process, it feels like we’ve already been at it for much longer. I have pored over adoption sites and the different programs available. We have a wonderful social worker that is helping us through this process and who also came highly recommended by several friends. At the very beginning we felt drawn to adopting from China. But we wanted to be open to the different options out there and available to us. We looked at domestic adoption. We looked at the programs in several other countries. We thought about going ahead and jumping in with both feet and getting two kids at once – ideally a sibling group. But due to either the status of certain countries’ adoption programs being either on hold or not so above board, our not meeting the exact criteria of certain countries for various reasons, and personal choices, we have found ourselves returning to the now certainty that China is where our child is waiting.

We were initially somewhat surprised to learn that the adoptions in China now are actually 51% boys and 49% girls. We had always heard that most of the adoptions available in China were girls. Over recent years, that has changed and there are now boys available, too! We are fine with either gender so we were happy to hear that this is the case.

We have learned some new terminology over the past several months that we wouldn’t otherwise have possibly ever known. I think my favorite is that we are now what is known as “paper pregnant”! And, believe me, that is NOT an understatement! According to those wonderfully helpful friends, we have only touched the tip of the iceberg of the paperwork that will be required of us. And I already feel like I’ve filled out more forms, done more photocopying, and spoken with more state and federal officials than I have in the past ten years total. But it is all worth it. Because the other thing all of our friends and family members who have taken this journey as well have shared is that once we are holding our child in our arms, all of this will be a distant memory. And I know that is true beyond a shadow of a doubt. We have already spent time imagining holding little hands and washing little faces. And we cannot wait to do it for real. We visualize the end goal as we wade through the process and never doubt that every signature, every stamp, and every visit to an official’s office is simply one more little step that leads us to the child we cannot wait to meet. And hold. And love.