About Me

Monday, December 1, 2008

The other day I had the opportunity to catch a sermon from the mothership, or as you may know it, Oprah Winfrey Show. Even though I am Oprah's target demographic as evidenced by my collection of velour robes, my erratic hormone levels, and the root fusing my buttocks directly to my couch, I usually don't tune into the leader of the free world because although I like her, she's no Arthur, and animated aardvark trumps the Angel Network most days.

Other Reasons not to watch Oprah

Suze Ormon: She can whip your finances into shape, but apparently she can't spell Suzie. This woman is angry and scary and should really budget her use of highlights, foundation and teeth whitening products and any financial advisor that offers a "Financial Smackdown with Suze" should really be performing at the Wisconsin State Fair in a ring of mud, not on her own show on MSNBC.

X-Rated Subject Matter: Plenty of times I've tuned in to see who's on the O with my kids in the room and mine eyes, mine ears, there is a demonstration on how two women kiss while keeping their lip liner in tact, or Valerie Bertinelli is spewing detail about her three-way with Eddie Van Halen and Steve Spielberg and I vow to never stray from Arthur again.

Too frequent guest appearances by Celine Dion: The French Canadian songstress is freakier than playing Ouija in Haunchyville with Janice Dickinson. 'nuff said.

Reasons to Watch Oprah:

Lisa Ling: Hands down, the best freelance reporter with good hair working on television today. What Lisa doesn't know that Oprah probably does, is that she should have her own show so that Oprah stops interrupting her with stories about what happened at Quincy Jones's hot tub last week at yet another Celebrate Oprah bash.

Nate Berkus: Common sense interior design that actually reflects the person living in the home. And, have you seen Nate Berkus? Another talent that needs his own show so Oprah can stop interrupting him with stories of how John Travolta and Tom Cruise stopped by to clean the leaves out of her gutters after Maria Shriver varnished her floors.

Oprah wants us all to wear a good Bra: This is a public service that we can credit the Queen for. However, the right bra is not the Dream Tish that Oprah touts on the show. I was inspired by the Queen and ordered the Dream Tish after this show which was suspiciously on sale with free shipping the day of this broadcast.

What Oprah doesn't tell you is that the Dream Tish arrives in a crate, like a piano, and it is composed of so many wires, ribs, padding and hooks that it would make Quasimodo stand up straight. While the Dream Tish does what a $70 bra should do, like cure curvature of the spine, it hurts. But after dropping seventy dabloons on Tish, I felt I should wear it until it wore out. Guess what? Dream Tish never wears out.

There is so much metal framework and foam insulation to this thing that it also serves as house floorplan C for Habitat for Humanity. Not only does Dream Tish provide support, but its fireproof and older versions might just be lined with asbestos. No shock here, but the Dream Tish is not comfortable for the average woman who is not wearing it to appear gravity defying on national TV in front of 3 billion people. The Dream Tish is more like a straight jacket for your torso. You must psych yourself up to get into it and only keep it on for two hours or so until you need to breathe. Now I know how Polly Pocket feels wrapped in that rubber dress. After about a year of guilt induced Dream Tish wear, I wanted out. I contemplated retrofitting it for a Life Jacket, but the cups are in the wrong place, so I donated mine to the local government of Pisa to see if they can shore up their tower. Don't buy this one.

Dream Tish misstep aside, we all need to be in a worthy bra. We also need to cut our Crystal Gale hair, lose the mullet, stop wearing sweats in public. We should stop buying designer puppies from that cheesy strip mall on 27th Street, drink Green T, tip better, don't marry our first cousins, or, if we married our first cousins we should adopt, stop hoarding trash from the curb to decorate our living room, don't endorse plastic surgery for children, support Tatum O'Neal's sobriety, and worship Maya Angelou. So there are good things to Oprah and that is why she's the Queen.

Oprah's show the other day had the tag line "Are You a Rude Person?," and featured a quiz about some rudeness indicators and a long winded explanation from a Rudeness Expert who was, ironically, French. While Oprah highlighted some common manners missteps like sneaking through the express supermarket lane with more than the alotted items. I'd like to take the Rudeness quiz a step further and ask "Are you This Rude Person?" and see if I can get anyone to 'fess up.

In no Particular Order, Are you This Rude Person?

1. Have you flashed an obscene gesture not once, but twice to Juj's friend Cathy while she was walking with her son?

Cathy, fun size half of "the Krug," was innocently walking with her son on a bike path in Fox Point when an elderly woman flipped her off from a car on Lake Drive. Then, the woman circled the block and flipped her off again to be sure the Krug got the message. I can vouch for the Krug that this was not an earned action, she'd own it if she brought it on. Random rudeness that she's still spewing about today. The Krug wanted it noted that she was also wearing an MS Walkathon T-shirt advertising her goodness when this happened. Fess up.

2. Did you get your drink on at Chuck E. Cheese, Where a Kid can Be a Kid, on or around October of 2006? Did you proceed to heckle the Mouse? At my son's birthday party? In the middle of a Thursday afternoon for Godsakes? If you can't find a legitimate bar sans arcade on the southside of Milwaukee between the hours of 6 a.m. and 2 a.m., you just ain't trying and you probably don't have enough brain cells to waste on alcohol.

3. Do you think the Lifeguards at the Polynesian Water Park in the Dells are synomous with free child care? Did you drop your kids off with no food, no money, no swim diapers, no manners and go to Ho-Chunk for 48 hours? Is there ever a good reason for children to wear goggles and go underwater in the hot tub? Quincy Jones would eject your butt if you tried that at his hot tub, ask Oprah.

4. Are you living on my block and pick up your newspaper every day in a robe that doesn't cover your nether regions? You don't need to fess up, just letting you know you are not invisible and gutchies come in all shapes and sizes--find the right ones for you or at least wait the grade school second bell rings before you come out.

5. Did you invent Apple Holler? Fess up and retire. No one treats Tracey that way, even if she's from Chicago.

6. Are you the girl from the Vitucci's Cocktail Lounge bathroom that I innocently warned had a long train of toilet paper wrapped around her ankle? Hey chickie, the correct reponse is "thanks for telling me," not "Same to you b***h!" That doesn't even make any sense! Fess up, I mean, sober up. Three drink maximum.

7. Are you the freak who I caught drinking straight from a full gallon of milk while driving with 5 kids bouncing around your car? Both hands on the gallon, none on the wheel, foot on the gas?? A gallon is not the approved size for a Milk Chug lady. Curses for being too shocked to get your plate number!! Citizen's arrest on the spot.

8. Are you either one of the Grandmas droppin' F-bombs in the Build-A-Bear queue? (Yes friends, you can rank the Build-A-Bear right next to the East Capitol Drive Walmart on the list of parenting necessary evils.) Lit Grandma's with blue vernacular in an Irish pub at happy hour=funny and eccentric. The same at Build A Bear=not so much. I think I sit in front of your kind every time I attempt to take my kids to the Family Section at Miller park where you must have the highest score possible on a Breathalyzer to get in. Take your George Carlin show down the hall to the Thomas Kincaid gallery where no one under 75 shops.

Thanks Oprah for inspiring me to wear a better bra and personally call out rudeness that has crossed my path.