Wednesday, July 28, 2010

I’ve always considered myself somewhat of a store house of useless information. For example I can name all 6 sequels to Police Academy in chronological order (most people think City Under Siege was before Assignment Miami Beach, scoff), I can tell you that there are 18 different kinds of hamster and I can sing the entire opening to Perfect Strangers a capella.

But as useless as these gifts are they’ve become even more redundant thanks to the internet. The World Wide Web is the ultimate collection of useless knowledge. Hell, you can look up fake barf ingredients and get 1,610,000 results! There’s no way I can compete with that.

File photo: Perfection

But that’s ok. I’m not bitter. I’m not going to move out to a shack in the woods, grow a beard and start sending letter bombs to Google CEO’s in NetFlix envelopes marked Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow (they’d never get opened anyway). There’s enough Unibombers around already. There’s that crazy one that’s in jail.

Did you know you can now go see his shack in a museum?

I think it should be busted up and made into custom iPod covers as an extra f. u.

Then there’s Phil Laak the professional poker playing Unibomber.

Did you know you can purchase a Phil Laak Unibomber Card Guard?

Now here’s something that should blow up when you open it.

That’s two too many in my opinion. No, instead I will embrace the internet as the useful tool that it is. A gift from the Gods. Like that Coke bottle in the The Gods Must Be Crazy.

You see I’ve got a few stupid questions that have been nagging me like a comic strip wife lately. So I’ve decided to start a new weekly CreepShow feature. Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question. Every Wednesday I will put forth some dumb question that’s been percolating in my brain and allow it to be answered by the all knowing oracle of bullshit. Don’t worry.This will be an additional feature and will in no way disrupt or replace my regular posts about stupid people, crackheads, shitty television, 80s movies and hot dogs. Speaking of Hot Dogs., have you seen the new commercial for Maple Leaf Top Dogs?

YES!

Alright, let’s rub the magic internet and see if it can grant me a snappy answer to a stupid question

Question 1: Did bad Performers on stage ever actually get pulled off stage by a big hook?

I was watching the Little Couple last week and the guy midget decided to take a stand up comedy class in New York. He had some of the worst material I’ve ever had about being a little person using a regular sized men’s room. At one point he talked about how close he is to the bowl and if you don’t flush, what he sees down there makes him hungry for lunch! I’m paraphrasing but in no way embellishing. The other people in the class just stared at him blankly with this nauseated look on their faces thinking, Did this midget just say other people’s shit makes him hungry? It was amazing. I kept imagining that hook coming to haul him off, which got me wondering if this ever really happened. I mean it happened to Garfield and the Muppets often enough.

Magic Internet Answer: Yes. The hook was often used in the original Vaudeville acts where it would extend from off stage to pull away bad or overly long acts. It was also often associated with the tap dancer Sandman Sims as he often used it on bad acts at the Apollo. If you don’t know who Sandman Sims is, he was that old tap dancing guy that Cliff Huxtable battled on The Cosby Show.

I like the New York Post’s attempt to explain the show to people that maybe haven’t seen it. My favorite line in the article is this one,

A recurring character on the show, high-school classmate Daria (whom they called "Diarrhea"), eventually got her own MTV series.

Diarrhea cha cha cha Diarrhea cha cha cha. Sigh, all the memories are flooding back. We never got MTV in Canada when Beavis & Butthead first aired but a friend of mine had a condo in Florida and he used to tape as many episodes as he could and we’d sit there for 4 hours straight watching them all. Now I have them on DVD but it’s just not the same. Most of the videos they made fun of wouldn’t give permission for their songs to be used on the DVDs. So they’re all cut out and there’s just a few tacked on as a bonus feature. Those were the best parts of the show.

I find it funny that Beavis & Butthead kind of lead the way for MTV to start playing things other than music videos and now it seems that by making new episodes where they make fun of new music, they might be the ones to lead MTV back to playing music videos. Although the fact that MTV has hit reality TV rock bottom with Jersey Shore may also be a deciding factor.

That guy has Cadillac tattooed up his side for fuck’s sake!

Also, did you hear that the cast of Jersey Shore are on strike? What does that mean exactly? Are they going to stop being sort of Italian? Are they going to stop tanning? Are the guys going to put on shirts and stop being lead around town by their bangers? Are the girls going to start wearing pants or better yet this:

Actually I think Lady Ga Ga wore only this to her niece’s Kindergarten graduation last week.

Why don’t they just film them on strike and make that the third season? I can’t imagine they’ll do anything different while on strike then they did while on the show. They’ll just have no money. They could call it Jersey Poor.

Starring Mike the Situation (Critical): Will show abs for Red Bull.

Christ, why are they even considering a third season? This is bullshit! But I digress. Let’s wash the taste of hair gel and dried bodily fluids out of our mouths with some classic Beavis & Butthead.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Welcome to the 100th Post Party! Woo hoo! Hurray for me! Hurray for TheCreepShow! Hurray for hotdogs and puking and midgets and shitheads and hookers and Cheese Jerky and Fundies. The list goes on and on.

There’s champale and some 2 liter diet caffeine free Dr. Pepper bottles filled with homemade Coors Light chilling in the fridge and upstairs there’s a bathtub full of crank. Just don’t bug the waiter when he’s on his break.

Well you shouldn’t have. And look at this you brought me a cake too. Sweet.

Thanks Weng Weng Enjoy the pool.

Weng Weng: Shakes his head vigorously.

Oh, sorry. Weng Weng’s gotta jet.

I better take this cake inside before it melts and ends up looking like Craig Mack. Let’s clear some room on the coffee table.

Hey look. It’s the Geek!

The Geek: Wheeeeeeeeeelp

Ha ha. You still got it Geek. Let me know if you need to borrow my underpants later. Speaking of clearing the table is that the sexual mule from Bachelor Party I spy? Go easy buddy. You remember what happened last time.

I want to die and come back as this movie.

Let’s see. We’ve got the ghosts of Captain Lou Albano, Casey Johnson and Andrew Boner Stabone Koenig over on the balcony. We can’t mention dying without a tip of the hat to you guys. I wish you could see them. They’re all wearing bathrobes and glowing like the end of Return of The Jedi.

Hey Lou, I don’t remember Alec Guinness sporting that many rubber bands in his beard and Andrew, quit stuffing fish sticks in your cape. Hang on I’m being handed a letter here.

From the hood of the funny car belonging to the Honorable Lord Humongous President of Australia:

Hello Johnny mate,

So sorry I couldn’t make your party. I bet it was a right rock about. (Get it?) I’m afraid I’m too busy pissing out fires here in Australia thanks to our biggest export turning out to be a right dungo.

He could learn a lot from Paul Hogan. Anyway, instead I’ve sent my second in command (that bloke that got drunk last week and tried to ride my third in command, Fatso) to offer you a liter of gas on behalf of Australia.

Best wishes and slip something on the Bar-B for me mate,

Lord Humongous
Prime Minister of Australia

Well Humongous. I just don’t know what to say. I know how important gasoline is to you and your people. Without it you can’t tool around the wastelands in your funny cars trying to kill that racist misogynistic prick. I’m moved to tears. Thank you.

In fact I’d like to take this opportunity to thank you all (standing up on the coffee table, watch out Geek). Jason Hervy, thanks for being a butthead and a scrot. Blind Guy I saw at the zoo, thanks for filling me with wonder. Robocop… we’ll always have directive 4. Roxxxy the talking sex doll, you taught me the true value of real relationships. Bob Clark’s ghost, when you walked the earth as Bob Clark the living you made Porkys… and I’ll never forget you or stop thanking you for that. Farting Garry, thanks for doing the balloons. Gowan, we’ll see who the strange animal is after a couple of brewskis buddy! Fonzi, you may have jumped the shark but you’ll never stop jumping my heart. Rick Astley and Tiger Woods, feel free to take Roxxxy upstairs. Sperminator, god you give me the Jheeps. Joey Greco, you give me the double Jheeps. I want to thank all my posts. You’ve both amused me and enriched my life.

And a special thanks to all my readers, lurkers, fans, creeps, peepers and David Mcalls. It’s a great feeling knowing I’m not the only one getting a laugh out of this and it keeps me ranting, Googling and bashing the keyboard like a retarded ape to produce the useless crap that is TheCreepShow. Have a plate of spaghetti dogs on me.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Remember when I was 15 and we were going to go to Turtle Jack’s for dinner but you said you didn’t want to be seen in public with me because I was wearing those baggy grey work pants I got from Mark’s Work Warehouse?

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

I know, I know but I can’t help it. TLC is like a shoe box in a stairwell with Dead Baby written in magic marker on it. You have to look! Each time I think there is no lower point for humanity, TLC finds one and makes a show about it. Here is what I learned from Toddlers in Tiaras.

1) If you let a child do anything it wants, it will still be sucking on a pacifier at the age of 4.

Yes, one of the toddlers had a pacifier that she called Ni Ni. If she didn’t have it she would scream and throw a tantrum. The mother shrugged it off and said, She’s a diva. I let her do whatever she wants. It’s easier that way. Now, I’m no Dr. Spock but it seems to me that once they’re walking properly and speaking in complete sentences you’ve got to take away the soother. How ironic would it be for mommy’s little beauty queen to wind up as a 40 year old infantilist still sucking on a dummy?

It would be like she mentally aged in reverse. Suck on that Benjamin Button!

2) Some parents let their kids drink Red Bull

There was one 6 year old girl that started her morning with a can of Red Bull and was on her third before the pageant even started! Her mom said that the girl had trouble getting going in the morning and that she liked to give her daughter Red Bull to keep her energy up. What is she a homicide detective catching a 3 AM stiff or a 40 year old gay hairdresser on a Saturday morning? That’s one of the things we all envy most about little kids. There unlimited energy. No kid needs Red Bull.

3) It’s a lot easier to give your 6 year old a spray tan if you buy your own machine.

All the kids in the pageant had spray tans. Women get spray tans because they think they look sexy.

Women get their pageant daughters spray tans because they have crippling emotional and self image issues and must live vicariously through their children.

One pageant mother bought her own spray tan kit so she could spray her daughter at home. She said it was easier than going to a salon and the daughter liked it too because she could dry off on the backyard trampoline instead of sitting in the salon reading. I’d like to chip in that it’s also good practice for her future profession.

4) You can get your child dentures to hide their unsightly baby teeth.

Yeah, that’s right. I watched a girl get fitted with child partial dentures to give her a big beautiful set of adult teeth in her tiny head. They call them Flippers and it makes all the girls look like a cross between Garry Busey and Fire Marshall Bill.

This:

Plus this:

Equals this:

5) It’s perfectly fine for a 6 year old to grind her ass on stage as long as you call it Hip Hop Dancing

This was probably one of the most disturbing things in the show. (And that’s saying something!) I’m not even going to search for a video of it to post just in case the cops bust down my door and I have to give them that research excuse like Pete Townsend. Basically it was little girls in crop tops and short skirts on stage bumping and grinding like they were Hot Gossip.

They referred to it on the show as Hip Hop Dancing. I think it was just a ploy so that if anyone took offence to it and tried to ban it from the pageants they could just label that person a racist.

Pageant Judge: They’re not trying to be sexy you ignorant fool. They’re just a stunning group of little white 6 year old girls celebrating black culture. Now I’d ask that you kindly leave event room C of the Holiday Inn and take your racist opinions with you. Good day.

Ha, nice try. I don’t recall Sir Mix A Lot having any toddlers in his videos. Right Mix?

It’s just seems that the whole rodeo thing takes its self a little too serious. I can get behind a monster truck rally because it knows it’s stupid and the only animals that get hurt are the fans dumb enough to sit in the front row and whatever functioning alcoholic is driving grave digger these days.

But when horses are dropping dead just so you can show everyone how fast they can pull a chuck wagon all in the name of western heritage and values? I say bullshit. When was the last time anyone saw a chuck wagon anyway?

Ahhh, dog food. Yet another final resting place for the proud steads of western heritage.

Sorry cowboys. I don’t care about your heritage. In fact I don’t think you ever really existed in the first place. Now go back to your real purposes. Selling cigarettes and homo-erotica.

And for more on that last one, here’s The Reverend Horton Heat. Ye-har! Ye-har! Ye-har!

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Please cease and desist all internet use immediately. I have just been given word by Prince that the world wide web is a dead medium.

You heard right. Prince says the internet is dead.

Yes, Prince.

This guy.

Prince also says and I quote,

All these computers and digital gadgets are no good. They just fill your head with numbers and that can't be good for you.

Oh no, I’ve wasted my life!

Has Prince ever seen a computer?

Prince’s iPod

I’ll tell you what’s not good for you Prince. Changing your name to this for 7 years.

Prince seems to think that as a medium for music sales the internet has gone the way of MTV. So instead of releasing his new album in a digital format, he’s going to be giving it away for free when you buy a copy of the UK newspaper The Daily Mirror. Now I know you don’t like numbers Prince but just look at the line on this graph here and you should get the gist.

You know, for a supposed musical genius, Prince sure is stupid.

Oh well. It’s been nice sharing my thoughts with you here but I imagine that once everyone gets word of Prince’s discovery the plug will be pulled on the internet once and for all. Everyone will have to go back to getting all their information from newspapers and the library or directly from the Jehovah’s Witness singing Batdance in the purple jock and chain veil splashing around on stage in a bathtub who changed his name to something that looks like a sign for a transsexual restroom and who Boy George referred to as, A tiny man dipped in pubic hair.