Sex, violence, monkeys and Kirstie Alley: A theory

Sex and violence.Now that I’ve got your attention, I’d like to present my most recent findings in the field of evolutionary biology. Now granted, I’m not an evolutionary biologist and I actually failed BIO 100 while at college, but let’s not dither over details, shall we? After all, Albert Einstein hardly spoke before he was five years old, causing his parents to believe he was a slow learner, and look at all he accomplished! He went on to discover America and everything.

But yes: Sex and violence.According to a study published in Nature last year, sex and violence are completely mashed together in the brains of mice. I’ll let Scientific American spell it out: “Sex and violence are intertwined in mice. A tiny patch of cells buried deep within a male’s brain determines whether it fights or mates, and there is good reason to believe humans possess a similar circuit.”

I believe it. For instance, just watch me at any “10 Items and Under” checkout line. There I’ll be, perusing Star’s “Best and Worst Beach Bodies” issue and getting myself all hot and bothered over BOTH the “best” and “worst” beach bodies (Kirstie Alley or Beyonce, whatever). But while this is happening, I’m also plotting out twisted revenge fantasies concerning the person in front of me in line who has 17 — and not 10 and under — items. (The running monologue in my head goes something like this: “Listen: Just because you’re buying 17 fat free yogurts DOES NOT MAKE IT ONLY ONE ITEM! …. Ohhhhh Kirstie Alley oooooh… Seriously, you non-human piece of crud, I hope your bag rips open in the parking lot and a rogue shopping cart slams into your head and … Wow. Kirstie Alley. Keep the weight on around those hips, that’s what I say. Oh yeah.”)

You see what I mean?So sex and violence are right there in our heads, mingling together, probably been there since our brains first started forming. (In fact, reading more of that Scientific American article, that’s exactly the truth. This batch of cells in mice brains where the sex and violence do the tango are located in the hypothalamus, “one of the brain’s oldest structures.”)

OK. So let’s take it as a given sex and violence are tied up together. After all, these two things, while not obviously related, are arguably about the two most important skills a budding life form would need to master in order to rise up and out of the primordial muck. I’d love to turn an alliterative phrase here, but I’m not allowed. Suffice it to say, you’ve got to (bleep) and fight your way to the top of the food chain, otherwise you’re a goner.

Which brings me to … our nearest evolutionary cousins, Pan troglodytes and Pan paniscus. The first are normally referred to as chimpanzees, the latter bonobos. According to best estimates, we were all together as one, until us humans split off from them about four million years ago, and the two of them further split about a million years ago.

The two “pans” share over 99.6 percent of the same DNA. We share about 98.6 percent of our DNA with chimps, and 98.7 percent of our DNA with bonobos. Furthermore, about 1.6 percent of our DNA is ONLY shared with chimps, and another 1.6 percent ONLY shared with bonobos.

So what does this have to do with sex, violence and Kirstie Alley?

Chimps are violent little buggers, willing to kill each other over territorial disputes, while bonobos would rather have sex all day with multiple partners.

And while the above are generalities, it doesn’t make it any less true. Chimps are quick to anger and resort to violence when trouble arises, while bonobos, on the other hand, will instead have sex — in all its varieties, and I mean all — instead of fight.

Remember, these are, by leaps and bounds, our closest genetic cousins. One of them will kill you if they don’t like you, the other will bring you to sexual satiation.

Really is remarkable, if you think about it. The teeny tiniest of DNA changes results in one species that fights all the time and another species that screws around all the time.

Clearly, us humans fall somewhere in the middle. But if we had half a hypothalamus, we’d clearly pick one side in this evolutionary debate. And once we do, it leads to one strikingly obvious conclusion.