Human beings live longer than they used to (except for some of the people in various religious texts who lived for hundreds of years, but we’ll leave them out of this one) and with great lifespan comes great responsibility to pretending you never get old. The world may be a dangerous place and surviving for many years in it should be something we take pride in, but seriously fuck all that. When you feel like you’re not twenty anymore you can run (don’t walk!) to your plastic surgeon and have them cut your face apart and sew it back together differently, possibly whilst injecting ass fat into it, and within twelve to twenty business days you’ll have a young new face that no one will recognize, or even look at for more than a second. You’ll have to note that when I say, “young new face”, I mean young because that style of face never existed before yours got carved into it and you’re pioneering that bold young face into a brave new world. A world of breaths being drawn in too quickly and awkward glances at the floor or off to either side. Whoever told you plastic surgery was a good idea was a liar.

Why is it legal for a doctor to do that to someone’s face? Just because they want it?

Plastic surgery never makes you look younger to anyone but yourself. To everyone else on earth you look like an old person with a fucked up face. Young people do not have faces that make them appear as though they are participating in a G-force simulation unit with a bunch of protective liver spots. Crazy Cat Face Lady, do you even listen to the advice of your friends and loved ones? They’re not speaking out of jealousy. They’re speaking out of compassion, that most noble of human traits. They want to help you. Do you even remember what your face looked like or how it might possibly look now? People, when your face is stretched tighter than a snare drum and your neck resembles the waddle of a chicken just who do you think you’re fooling? It’s the same as Frankenstein’s monster walking around wondering why everyone’s looking at him. People are not looking at you because they want to see how young you look. They want to see what a car crash looks like on someone’s face.

Attention Hollywood and similar industries: If you cast Billy Crystal in anything but a horror movie you are making a grave mistake. What the fuck are you thinking, Billy? You’re a funny guy, you were never even a sex symbol. Charismatic, well-to-do, older gentlemen like yourself are supposed to do amazingly well no matter how old they look. If they keep their dignity and their charm then they look years younger anyway. When you pay some doctor to inject shame into your face and give you a disgrace-lift you actually look older than you would have. What happened, Billy? I used to look up to you, and now I have to look away. Can’t you just live happily knowing you’ll probably never have to work again and that you made millions of people’s lives better by making them laugh? The laughs now are all nervous. The laugh you give when you’re in the dark and you hear something that sounds dangerous and you laugh because your brain thinks it will make you feel more at ease. It only makes you more frightened.

He paid more money than most of the people reading this will earn this year to make his face look like that.

A newer and even more disturbing trend in plastic surgery is people paying lots of money in order to look like their favourite celebrity. First of all, if someone gets a doctor to try to make their face look like yours you should be able to sue that person and the doctor. I’ve always hated the idea of someone stealing one of my tattoos, but can you imagine if someone tried to steal your face? Tried, of course, being the operative word because it never works out the right way. You see the picture and your heart sinks. They look like a person who is trying very hard to look like a celebrity, but that’s about as far as it goes. There are all kinds of celebrity impersonators and they look just like those people without having someone slice their face around. Do you know what it does for them? Nothing. They can get cheesy jobs pretending to be that person sometimes. Offices hire them to come in and pretend to be someone else. It’s a sad life, why would you pay hundreds of thousands of dollars just so that sad life can be yours? The most recent one I’ve heard about is the gentleman who has paid $100k+ to look like Justin Bieber and the only thing that even looks similar is his haircut, which actually requires very little face-cut, you’ll find.

When you get a tattoo or an earring and your mom cries it’s because this is where she sees it all going.

How can I even talk about plastic surgery without bringing up the King of Popped Cartilage. If, somehow, you still think plastic surgery is a good idea, then I challenge you to look at the progression of Michael Jackson over the years. I think if he had been born twenty years later he would have been happy with who he was and never would have turned into that thing that walked as a man. From what I understand, in his youth there were a lot of people who made comments about how attractive or talented he was, if only he were white. Now, a wise man would have taken Jackson’s millions of dollars and had those people beaten up, and then beaten them in court and had them beat up again outside the courthouse. It still would have cost him less money and he’d also still have a human face at the end of the day. Imagine that screw that was sticking out of what was once his nose. How wrinkly does a person have to be before they’re more frightening than that? I mean, really.