Sunday, December 13, 2015

Comics Rant: Extraordinary X-Men #1

Jeff Lemire? Writting the X-Men? Sign me up. Oh, yeah. He totally brought over the Amazing Spider-Man art team with him. That's a legit plus. I no longer give a crap about the event books. So I have no clue how this new X-Team came about or just Cyclops did. I do know that that damn Terigen mist that powers the Inhumans has been let loose out on the Earth and given humans powers. Oh and it's totally killing the mutant race off by making them sterile. Bummer.

So, Storm takes over of Prof. X's dream. Shit, He's been fighting for said dream for so long I bet he forgot what it was. I know I did. Something about universal health care for all mutants and humans. Sounds about right. So with Prof. X gone along with Evil Cyclops, the X-Men have moved into X Heaven. Which, you know kind of looks like Avalon from the old 1990's X-Men comics. If anyone can confirm shoot me a line over at theverbalmosh@gmail.com Thanks.

Storm has got Magik going around trying to round up other new mutants created by the Terigen mist and bring them back to X-Haven. Iceman, who I guess isn't completely useless, tells Storm that they can't save the mutant race alone and yes, surprise, surprise, they need backup. First up, Storm and crew try to get Jean Grey to join up. But it's not the Jean that was killed off by Grant Morrison before Marvel was owned by the House of Mouse. It's the young Jean created by Bendis via time travel. Or need for a new royalty check. Whichever works for you.

Next up, Colossus. Who really just wants to be a farmer. What the fuck, Claremont had him as a hipster artist living in NYC when he lost his memories way back in the 1980's. Too bad he couldn't go back to that. If only. But the way they get him to rejoin the X-Men was kind of lazy. Totally unlike Lermire in his writing.

Colossus:" I'm not fighting anymore, I just want to stay here on my farm. Nothing you say can make me want to leave. NOTHING!"

Magik"C'Mon."

Colossus: "Yeah, Sure, why not. HYUK, HYUK!"

Dumbass.

Uhm, yeah. So Nightcrawler gets attacked and taken away by... someone. Yeah, sorry guys. I'm not really up on my X-history. So remember the whole thing I wrote above about how they convinced Colossus to rejoin the team? Well, good. Because it's the same sad, sack-ass story they used to get teen Jean Grey to throw in with their fold. I guess once Jeff Lemire gets his whole X-Men team into place, he'll move right along with fast action paced stories with character driven arcs. Hey, I have hope. Wait, wasn't she an X-Man once, too?

The issue ends with the new (All New?) X-Men going to the north pole and finding Wolverine. But hey, isn's that guy dead, because in his last major story he was "Killable!" Dun, dun, dun! But it's not our Wolverine, it's the Old Man Logan version. The fuck. Man, Wolverine has more lives that a dude who uses the fucking Contra code. So there you have it. A new X-Men team for a new era. But if they really wanted to screw us, they should have just used more ass awful time travel to pick up Len Wein's 1979's X-Men. I guess that won't happen. Marvel won't be sending checks to anyone who's last name ain't Bendis. While I had some complaints about the pacing, I am ready to see this series take off. It's got lots of promise.