My Last Entry 😢

*This maybe a long entry – if you actually take the time to read this, please pray for me and my kids, I need all the strength and prayers I can get! A long time ago, very very long ago, there was this one night that was super freezing in the winter time and the shrine from a church nearby had there annual lights show – my cousin and his gf and me and my boyfriend decided to go, even in the freezing cold.. We held hands, kissed, he told me how much he loved me, how much fun it was to be there, I had a hot chocolate, we took so many pictures! There was one photo taken of his arms wrapped around me.. He made me smile.. I trusted him, I loved him, I cared for him, I believed in him, I could have never imagine that he would change. A man I was once so proud of, is gone. I explained to my coworker today how Ryan and I are separated now, and that I miss him like crazy – she asked me how did we meet.. I had such joy explaining to her how we met and knew each other.. I explained I knew him since high school and everytime I saw him I was too shy to say anything to him, and funny thing was he was nervous to say anything to me.. He was best friends cousin, in the world of BFFL’s thats a huge no no but I ended up with him 💔 we had 3 amazing babes together and yet he says he misses them and loves them but he’s proven time and time again that he is selfish enough to put himself first.. Let put it to you in my Point Of View! Day in and day out I wake up, change Milas and Rogers diaper, I get everyone settled and fed, most days I dnt even eat, I do try to have atleast a coffee though, I get Natalie dressed, Emilia and Roger are dressed, and depending if my uncle is awake to watch the other two while I drop Natalie off at school (which is rare to ever happen) I take all three to drop Natalie off, Normally feed Roger again, try to get myself dressed and ready for work and I pick Natalie up from school drop them off at the sitters then head to work, of I’m not working I head home, make Natalie lunch, Roger and Mila eat again, Then its naptime, I try to make myself something to eat for lunch but I never have the energy to bother eating again, I try laundry or cleaning, does t last long because Roger never naps well.. The Mila is up not to long after.. Roger eats again, I try to get everyone preoccupied before dinner, my laundry is normally ruined because I didn’t have time to put it away, I try to cook dinner, they all eat again, then its bath time, then bedtime, then I have to clean up all messes, do laundry again, and wash dishes….. While Ryan does this, sleeps, eats, works, sleeps… I dont even eat 😪 talk about frustrating! Btw that described is one of my easy days… I’m aggravated because in the above I didn’t mention one thing about doing something I wanna do! Its always the kids first to be, thats why I’m baffles on why or how is it possible that Ryan can easy just ignore the problem, ignore the elephant in the room.. you can’t ignore it but he replaces the burden by trying to fi d a new relationship, its sad because he cannot stay single! To me if you love and care for someone you show them, by being faithful, never lying, being understanding, truthful, respectful, etc. But instead this is what he’s done, hes hurt me physically, held me down, bruised me, yelled at me, pushed me, grabbed me, sprained my bones, smacked me, head butt me, lied to me, ran away, cheated on me, crashed my car, I could go further, and I stayed because 1) we have amazing babies together 2) I thought I loved him enough that maybe he could see he needs to change 3) I cared for him deeply! And in the end I realized I loved him more than he ever loved me, I cared more than he ever cared about me, I realized I cant change him only he can want it for himself (and he wants it but its to hard to have to go through so he just stopped caring all together) I’ve said I before they have no father – there dad left them for what? Because he couldn’t handle it! He gave up on trying, because trying I to hard! I never wanted it to be like this but its the truth I am mom and dad, and I know the one promise Ryan wants to make is never leaving his kids behind, but by making these choices that hes making! He is lying to himself by thinking he will be able to see these kids again… I used to smile when I talked about him and now all I want to do is spit the name out of my mouth! He scorned me and he will never change.. The biggest motivation he could have are his kids, but look whose making excuses again..! Yup, like I said having a new gf is more important than his own kids – he has no one – his father taught him better than that!! I just want to cry because I know its over and I can no longer put myself through this pain anymore, I have full custody and I can do w.e I want now – I might just move! I’m so saddened because that man I once new is gone and now no amount of love, no other gf, no amount of attention from other girls will replace the loss of his family… He lost his father, his aunt, cousins, grandma, uncle, siblings, his kids, and me… He lost us all and no one and nothing can Replace us, he just lost – and he will never get us back! 😢☹😢☹😲😲😞😢 Please pray for me and the kids! I need all the love and strength from god ☹ Amen — GoodBye!