Practical Tips for Productive Living

post written by: Angel Chernoff

10 Things Happy Couples Do Differently

“For the two of us, home isn’t a place. It is a person.
And we are finally home.”
―Stephanie Perkins

All intimate relationships are built on a foundation of honesty, trust, and attraction, but what do happy couples do differently to keep their love thriving in the long run?

It’s important to understand that love is not just about finding the right person, it’s about working with them to create the right relationship. Marc and I have met and worked with couples at all ends of the spectrum over the years, and we’ve found that the happiest couples, or the unhappy couples who successfully turn things around, are able to create loving, lasting relationships by doing the following:

1. They make plenty of time for each other.

Neglect based on lack of attention damages relationships far more often than malicious abuse. There’s nothing more vital to the bond you share with someone than simply being there for them. Too often we underestimate the power of a thoughtful question and a listening ear that’s fully present and focused. Although it’s a simple act, it may very well be the most powerful act of caring – one which has the potential to turn a relationship around.

When we pay attention to each other we breathe new life into each other. With frequent attention and affection our relationships flourish, and we as individuals grow stronger. This is the side effect of a good relationship – we help heal each other’s wounds and support each other’s strengths.

Bottom line: Stay in close touch with what’s going on in your partner’s life – communicate openly on a regular basis. Not because it’s convenient, but because they are worth the extra effort.

2. They don’t beat around the bush.

No matter how sure you are of someone’s love, it’s always nice to be reminded of it. When you truly love someone, be loving in words and deeds every single day. Don’t beat around the bush. Be straightforward.

If you appreciate someone today, tell them. If you adore someone today, show them. Hearts are often confused and broken by thoughtful words left unspoken and loving deeds left undone. There might not be a tomorrow. Today is the day to express your love and admiration. (Read 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

3. They meet in the middle and work together.

The most important trip you will ever take in life is meeting your partner half way. You will achieve far more by working with them, rather than working alone or against them. That’s what healthy relationships are all about – teamwork. It really is a full circle. The strength of a relationship depends on the strength of its two members, and the strength of each member in the long run depends on the quality of the relationship.

Anyone who helps you to make your half-hearted attempts more whole-hearted through passion, love and teamwork, is a precious friend and teacher, and thus makes a great partner. Take the lead and BE this partner. Make an effort to work closely with your significant other, and conquer the world together.

4. Their actions consistently backup their claims of love.

You can say sorry a thousand times, or say “I love you” as much as you want, but if you’re not going to prove that the things you say are true, they aren’t. If you can’t show it, your words are not sincere.

And remember, it’s not so much about how much you do for your loved ones as it is about the love you put into what you do for them. Learn what matters most to them and make a habit of it.

5. They respect each other’s humanness.

All humans are imperfect. At times, the confident lose confidence, the patient misplace their patience, the generous act selfish, and the knowledgeable second guess what they know.

And guess what? You’re human and so is your partner. In fact, we all are. We make mistakes, we lose our tempers, and we get caught off guard. We stumble, we slip, and we spin out of control sometimes.

But that’s the worst of it; we all have our moments. Most of the time we’re remarkable. So stand beside the people you love through their trying times of imperfection, and offer yourself the same courtesy; if you aren’t willing to, you don’t deserve to be around for the perfect moments either. (Read The Mastery of Love.)

6. They focus on what they like about each other.

What you focus on grows stronger in your relationships. When you focus on a person’s wonderful qualities, you have a wonderful relationship with them. When you focus on a person’s not so wonderful qualities, you have a not so wonderful relationship with them. When you focus on benefits of a situation, you get to take advantage of them. When you focus on the drawbacks, you gain nothing but a frown.

The bottom line is that you see only what you want to see, and what you see determines the health of your relationships. Your attitude is a little thing that makes a massive difference. Don’t be the stubborn one who makes it a point to not see the good in your partner.

7. There is far more between them than physical attraction.

Infatuating yourself with someone simply for what they look like on the outside is like choosing your favorite food based on color instead of taste. It makes no sense. It’s innate, invisible, unquantifiable characteristics that create lasting attraction. There must be common ground in your interests and outlooks on life.

Just as some people enjoy the smell of mint, while others prefer the scent of cinnamon, there is an undeniable, magnetic draw that attracts you to the qualities of certain people, places, and things. Sometimes it’s even the scars your soul shares with them that reels you in and creates the very hinges that hold you together in the long run.

8. They resolve conflicts through love, not retaliation.

If you’re disappointed with yourself or frustrated with your partner, the answer is not to take it out on the world around you. Retribution, whether it’s focused on yourself or others, brings zero value into your life. The way beyond the pain from the past is not with vengeance, mockery, bullying or retaliation, but with present love.

Forgive the past, forgive yourself, forgive your partner, and love the present moment for what it’s worth. There are plenty of beautiful things to love right now; you just have to want to see them. Loving is never easy, especially when times are tough, yet it is easily the most powerful and positively enduring action possible.

9. They open up to each other, especially in trying times.

Let your partner in when you’re in a dark place. Open up to them completely. Don’t expect them to solve your problems; just allow them to face your problems with you. Give them permission to stand beside you. They won’t necessarily be able to pull you out of the dark place you’re in, but the light that spills in when they enter will at least show you which way the door is.

Above all, the important thing to remember is that you are not alone. No matter how bizarre or embarrassed or pathetic you feel about your own situation, your partner is in your life and has dealt with similar emotions and wants to help you. When you hear yourself say, “I am alone,” it’s just your insecurities trying to sell you a lie. (Read Daring Greatly.)

10. They are committed to growing together.

It’s not about finding someone to lose yourself in, it’s about meeting someone to find yourself in. When you connect with someone special, especially a lifelong partner, this person helps you find the best in yourself. In this way, neither of you actually meet the best in each other; you both grow into your best selves by spending time together and nurturing each other’s growth.

When you honestly think about what you and your partner add to each other’s lives, you will often find that instead of giving or taking things from each other (advice, answers, material gifts, etc.), you two have chosen rather to share in each other’s joy and pain, and experience life together through good times and bad. No matter what, you two are there for one another, growing and learning as one.

Afterthoughts

The best relationships are not just about the good times you share, they’re also about the obstacles you go through together, and the fact that you still say “I love you” in the end. And loving someone isn’t just about saying it every day, it’s showing it every day in every way.

The floor is yours…

In your experience, what helps create a happy relationship? Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts with the community.

61 Comments

Great post. My husband and I are incredibly happy together now (and for the past few years), but it was a rocky road getting here. While each of your points is important, 6 and 9 strike me as having been particularly meaningful to our relationship.

I love you guys so much! You have been helping me through tough times - especially with my relationships. Do you hopefully have plans for an app? I’d love to be able to view daily reads in an app each morning to start my day and once in the evening to refresh myself. Something to consider, hopefully.

I met my soul mate when we were both in high school. Fast forward, we were married 36 years, raised 2 beautiful amazing daughters. He passed in 2011. We wanted to grow old together. My advice, respect, honor, and love your partner. Someday your partner will be gone.

Loved this post as well. The “Afterthoughts” paragraph says it all. Thank you.

Great post! My first marriage didn’t have most of the points you mentioned. I’m so thankful that my second (and hopefully last) marriage does and we really do enjoy each other’s company and try to grow together. Sometimes it takes a bad experience for you to recognize a great one.

Nice, heartfelt article. One thing I tell myself when the going gets rough is that life goes in a flash. I remember vividly standing with a group of Hare Krishnas in a college campus (I’m not a Hare Krishna, but would go there for the food) and asking Janavi if she thought she would always be a Hare Krishna. She said yes, definitely. She was in her early 20s and I asked her how she could be so sure about what she would be doing for the next 20 years. She said “Mohan, 60 years will go by in a flash!” I thought there was a chance she might be right.

That was 25 years ago. Those years have indeed gone by in a flash. That awareness can help put things in perspective when you hit a rough patch.

I shared your blog about the good morning questions with my husband of 15 years and he encouraged me to really explore the idea of knowing my truth. That action supports what your tenth point and it has meant the world to me. I guess what I would add to what we do differently, as I see us as one of the happiest couples I know, is that we work to be kind to each other. I see a lot of couples that treat each other so harshly, I think it wears on a relationship. Simple, consistent, kindness is part of the glue that keeps us together.

Thanks for the post, coinciding with our wedding anniversary. (we completed 22 years yesterday). I work on the points 5, 6 and 8 above.. Ours was an arranged marriage (South India) and 2 years into marriage, when I didn’t know if we could go on, or not, I thought of all his positives and negatives.. His positives outweighed the negatives and since then I never looked into his negatives…. and our quarrels never last beyond half an hour…. His siblings, my employees, all say I have been patient, but I never let that get into my head, lest I lose my equanimity…. In India, relationships are more to be mended than broken.

I love reading your posts.. thanks a lot. I have also purchased your eBook which I read at my leisure and love.

We respect each other’s differences. We see each other through the eyes of a child, we still date, we have time outs and breathers. We pray together. And we laugh at one another and each other. We live each day mindfully and don’t obsess too much of tomorrow.

What a great piece to start my day with. Like Besty (above) I lost my husband 3 years ago. He gave me band-width to listen and hear what I had to say without judgment. He was fun and he had a great heart… the last thing I said to him was, “I love you baby”… he was dead 45 minutes. later. No regrets, we had a great loving, supportive, soulful marriage.

Fast forward and breaking up with a man and getting back together because I truly missed him and trust his heart is priceless. It’s never perfect but a great relationship is possible… I’ve had it once and trust in the power of living in the moment and willing to be vulnerable. TGIF!!!

A healthy relationship is one of constant communication and team work. Life can be hard and even harder without someone there to support you on the bad days. You can be with someone and have a complete null and void in the relationship and feel like you are in a “relationship” yet all alone. I think a happy relationship requires patience, time, and seeing the beauty in the imperfections of the other person. TRUST is huge for me and without it no relationship will ever survive. I am also a mom of a six year old and to me a healthy relationship means having a sense of family and embracing each others families and children.

I am currently going thru the most difficult time ever in my relationship of 9 years. There have been good times and bad. But now, it seems he has pulled away and doesn’t care to work on the relationship. He says that he loves me but often times looks away when he does. I am desperately working on myself and things I can do to make the relationship better but fear is settling in emotionally. I am worried I will be all alone if he leaves me.

The relationship I have with my husband…going on 30 years…is quite like all those things you mentioned. However, the romantic part is not there. It is like we are best friends and that’s it. The wall just won’t come down in that area, and hugs aren’t the answer. I get those all the time. He claims that it is due to lack of self-confidence in the work he does, the fact that he feels unsuccessful, financially and doesn’t know what to do to correct the problem. I want to be pursued and romanced. I feel unloved even though I know I am.

Although inspiring, this post makes me so sad in way. I spent 36 years married to a borderline personality and didn’t know it. I realize now how much I missed. These people don’t have the capacity to do anything like you’ve described. They focus on all the negative and thrive on bringing other people down. I could never tell my husband my secrets because he would always use them against me later. I am not blaming him for the demise of the relationship, because it takes two. But this is a nearly impossible situation, and I eventually had to leave. I’m 63 now, but maybe there’s someone still out there for me. I sure hope so.

A good relationship takes a lot of work.. Most people don’t want to put in all that effort. It’s easier to just be complacent for most. I’m still not close to perfect with relationships, but I am improving. One thing I definitely needed to do more of was appreciating my partner.

One of the best posts yet! Please practice this and work as a “team”! My husband and I are married almost 35 years and have grown together. It is hard to find this type of happiness and we feel very blessed. Life is good!

The hardest thing to change is your attitude which you family patterns help create . Becoming aware of how your family attitude patterns influences your current relationship is important because most of the times you bring in the bad habits instead of the good quality into your relationship.

I love all of your posts and this one especially since I just started a relationship with a man who I think will be my lifelong partner. We already do many of these things and we are our true selves when we are together. We have a lot of fun, have shared interests and are always open and honest with one another. I finally feel like I’m in a healthy relationship at 43!! And I look forward to developing this partnership. I agree with Ron too- being kids together is good too. My boyfriend and I are oftentimes silly and playful together and it makes things so much fun!! You definitely have to love yourself and be your authentic self before you can love another person. Thanks again Marc and Angel- I always look forward to your blogs

My husband and I have been married for 33 years. We were quite young but we were very serious about our marriage vows. As religious people we felt that making promises to God was not to be done lightly. That, more than anything, has kept us together through some pretty hard times. There have also been times we’ve stayed together for the sake of our children (yes, the old cliche). I don’t regret that at all. We were never the screaming and fighting type of couple so our children weren’t subjected to that. I’m sure they knew there were difficulties but we did our best to give them a secure and happy home at all times. Today we’re enjoying being grandparents for the first time and empty nesters as well. We face a different set of challenges but we continue to believe that we are better together than apart. Fight for your marriage. Don’t give up if you can avoid it.

I don’t do much blog reading but I found this article to actually be very helpful. I was in a relationship for almost 2 years and I never truly understood how to have a successful relationship until recently. I want to thank you guys for posting articles like these. They really help people like me see how I am neglecting my other half and show me that changes can be beneficial in having a truly long lasting relationship.

My husband and I are on the backside of trouble and pulling it together. It’s been rough. I introduced him to this newsletter not too terribly long ago. I wasn’t sure if he was still getting it. He texted me and said that the current one was really good. We had just argued the night before about the first two on the list. I think it validated my feelings for him. That happens so many times with Hack Life. Y’all seem to know what I need to read to make things better. Thank you. It’s always solid.

Loved this post!! Very applicable and meaningful for all couples. I especially like the part about performing acts of love for your partner everyday even when times are tough and expressing it through words is difficult. Actions speak volumes more than words. I say this today as my partner showed up with his John Deere mower to spend the day mowing with me as my weeds are out of control. Huge points !!

Such good advice. I wonder if its too late now? Too many stresses, traumas, illnesses and eventually the relationship is broken. One person can’t fix it alone. And if it takes that much work - maybe it isn’t worth the heartache.

@Christy King: Relationships are not easy and there’s no such thing as a perfect relationship. Imperfection, however, is real and beautiful. It’s how two people accept and deal with the imperfections of a relationship that make it ideal.

@Margie: Nobody gets through life without losing someone they love. Live with no regrets.
Honestly, you inspire me.

@Sad: It takes a lot of courage to admit that something needs to change, and a lot more courage still, to accept the responsibility for actually changing it. The most important step forward is taking the first step. The simple act of getting started and doing something will give you the momentum you need, and soon you’ll find yourself in a positive spiral of positive changes – one building on the other. Good relationships don’t just happen; they take time, patience and two people who truly want to work to be together.

@csmmmmad: Do your best to shine light on the many successes he already has, successes he may not even think about. Your relationship in itself is a success. His insecurities are getting the best of him and you have to do your best to not take it personally. I know, a lot easier said than done. Begin, at a minimum, weekly discusses about what’s going well. Boost his confidence and hopefully he’ll meet you half way.

@Joan: I respect you for knowing it was time to make a change and taking action. Try, and then try again with all your might. Your courage will unfold as your resolve takes hold. And with each effort you make you will earn a little more confidence which you can use to acquire what no one else can give you: Your self-respect, and the life you were meant to live.

@Leanna: With technology today, I would think virtual face to face conversations with Skype or Facetime would be huge. Also, know that jealousy kills relationships. Keep the communication lines open and trust flowing.

@Ron Lavoie: I love it, and so very true. =)

@Susie: This story warms my heart, thank you for sharing and reminding us that we do make a difference.

@All: I adore all of your comments. Regardless of what stage you are in any relationship, everyone loves to feel loved. Express your feelings sincerely through actions and words. Thank you for reminding us that we are loved by so many. =)

To Sad: It sounds like you may be alone with him. Please don’t allow that to happen. You are of much greater value than you believe, and you deserve to be heard and seen and loved completely by a man. I settled for a good man, but one who was not able to truly know me and didn’t try to, and at the end of 25 years of marriage, I couldn’t do it anymore. I broke the hearts of my children because I divorced their dad, but knew I was slowly dying inside because I chose someone who was unable to truly see and hear me.

So far, it’s been my experience that nobody in my life wants to be “let in” when I’m going through a rough patch or voice concerns or need to just talk things out and vent. So far, it’s been met with either hostility, disrespect and dismissal or the person ignoring it altogether and avoiding me, while still expecting me to listen to their problems whenever and for however long they want.

So for #9, I recommend adding that people should make sure they choose a partner who actually wants to be let in. The experiences I’ve had only erode any chance of a strong relationship/partnership.

Good one Angel. Relationships are great, not easy. Of course the good times are wonderful, they help us face the challenges together. It’s the truly challenging times that test our love and bond us more deeply. Never forget to express your love as often as possible and in every way that you can.

I have been in a relationship where I gave and gave and where there was no reciprocity. Only in the end I discovered the reason: my boyfriend has Asperger’s. I’m heartbroken. No 1, 9 & 10 were missing completely. It must be beautiful to be in a relationship where both partners are willing to work for the relationship, even through tears.

I’ve just recently been through some emotional relationship turmoil … where my partner consistently said ‘I’m sorry,’ and ‘I love you,’ but her actions never showed either. It lead me to believe that those words were never sincere.

In any case, working on letting go is still ‘work in progress,’ … but your articles continually remind me that I am on the right path.

Someone once told me that if you go into your marriage thinking if it gets bad I can just leave - at some point it will get that bad. But if you go in knowing that it will get hard at some point and you are committed to sticking it out you can make it through. Of course I realize that there are relationships that are just toxic and you shouldn’t stay in them, but I’m talking about the ones that aren’t.
The other thing on your list that really resonated with me was number 6. I know that I’ve been through some difficult times in my marriage of 21 years and the times that were the hardest, I noticed that my self-talk was all about how everything he did annoyed me. When I was able to step back and observe that, it allowed me to change my focus and things got dramatically better very quickly. I would literally stop and go back and relanguage the last thought when it was negative. It is amazing how fast that shifted my perspective - and my experience.
The only other thing I would add is Laughter and Gratitude. Oh and being friends.

I really like this article, and the previous one that this was linked from. I found it in search of quotes on happiness because on my 19th anniversary last week, my husband informed me that he wanted to divorce me a year ago. He’s never communicated his unhappiness, and never told me when things bother him. Instead he retreats. I’m trying to get the hurt, resentment and fear out of my heart/soul and also trying to learn all the things I did to push him away; mostly I shamed him for his choice to start a consultant business which requires him to be gone Monday through Saturday morning every single week of the past 16 years, after we bought a home and created a family. I still don’t know what will happen, but I’m trying to focus on me and being whole and happy regardless of what happens, and keeping it very casual and light with him as he said, “I still don’t know what I want to do yet.”

When is it appropriate to ask him to read something like this and think about it, when he refuses to go to counseling because “it won’t work” and also that every professional says not to look desperate and trying too hard? Thanks for your insights. At the least, I will work on correcting the things I know I did wrong - so I will be a better person, which should help any kind of relationship I’m a part of in the future.

Awesome post! I have the exact same encounter as Bebee. All my friends asks me not to go back to my ex-boyfriend. But when i decided to walk forward and move on, he comes back and says sorry and that he still love me, and i had the urge to stop and run back to him. But when i calm down and sees his actions and other stuff, i am totally furious. He likes this other girl and claims that he is just friends with her.

But i am quite determined that i am going to walk away from him. So this 10 precious tips from you both will make my next relationship a better one! Thank you!

I have saved these tips for my next relationship =) Lynne’s comments above really stood out to me. In my last relationship, I always felt like I was wasted on him. I felt like all that I had to offer was not appreciated by him. It hurt deeply. I’m affectionate, loving and supportive person but he was not able to reciprocate. He couldn’t tell me that he was proud of me. Instead, he would say that he wouldn’t be with me if he wasn’t. I was later told that not everyone can reciprocate feelings like that so I over-corrected (forgetting my self worth) and tried to get back with him.

Here are my thoughts, if you really need something from your partner and it is something that will feed your soul. Don’t settle. The pain of losing the relationship and seeing his true colors have left scars but they will heal. Knowing that he was the wrong man for me is the greatest gift!

Lynne - I know that what you did must have been very difficult but you are an amazing woman.

” Hearts are often confused and broken by thoughtful words left unspoken and loving deeds left undone. There might not be a tomorrow. Today is the day to express your love and admiration. ” So true. My marriage of almost 25 years ended because of misunderstanding and hurts that were allowed to linger, unaddressed, for all that time. I am happily married now, and we have resolved to be as straightforward as we can be with one another. That means expressing love with gusto, and clearing the air even when it’s scary or difficult. There are a lot of tears, sometimes….but so much happiness I can barely contain it all.

The only thing I would add is: Make sure both people support each others’ individuality as well. I don’t want him to give up hunting (something he loves), just because I would never do it. I also don’t see him spending hours reading, but he supports that I love doing it.

Find purpose in life. Find something that gives your life meaning. Set goals and move toward them in small reasonable steps and Be happy. Happiness is always a choice. Suffering comes from the meaning you give things. Be aware of this and you’ll spend much more time enjoying life and living life to the fullest and Don’t give up. Do not accept defeat, even if it seems like it’s the only option in life 4u.

Thanks for the terrific relationship-building reminders. I think number one, “They make plenty of time for each other,” may be the most important. After 33-years we have grown to be each other’s best friend. I see many couples around us constantly busy with friends and outside the home activities. Yet they seldom seem to spend one-to-one time. Heck, they even vacation in groups. Make it a ritual, spend lots of time with that special person in your life. Live, love, laugh!