I am 16 and I'm a lesbian. Recently me and my girlfriend and engaged in sexual activities, but the weirdest thing is that nothing she does to me feels good. Us being in a female on female relationship doesn't really leave us with many options. So obviously we have run out of options and now I'm struggling for answers. Why is it that nothing she does to me feels good? I even try masturbating. I can't use my fingers because that doesn't work out for me, but I can massage my clit and that will eventually get me somewhere, but even then the feeling doesn't last that long. Whats wrong with me? What should I do?

Heather Corinna replies:

Honestly?

Women sleeping together have no fewer sexual options than women sleeping with men or men sleeping with men do. You can have all kinds of labial, vaginal and clitoral stimulus; you can do manual, oral, vaginal or anal sex, mutual masturbation, massage, frottage, breast play, making out, role play, the works: everything a het couple can do. There's pretty much nothing you can't do that heterosexual couples can: nothing. If you're thinking "Well, we can't very well have intercourse, can we?" know that even that's a misnomer: sure you can. You can do so by genital grinding, you can do so by using a dildo and harness, you can do so even with hands and fingers (really and truly, save that fingers are more targeted, which usually results in more sensation, not lesser, when one woman is on top of the other, face to face, and you've got two set of hands working, it's flavor really isn't very different from male-female intercourse, emotionally or physically) .

And to be frank, if nothing else is feeling good, it's fairly unlikely that vaginal intercourse by itself is going to, either, anyway.

That's the real issue: you saying nothing at all is feeling good, not for you with your partner, and not for you via masturbation.

So, let's go through some possibilities and take a look at what you've said.

1) For the most part, before things can feel good sexually, you have to feel aroused (sexually excited). Are you ever really feeling that: a strong sense of sexual hunger? If you're not feeling that, nor have ever felt that, with your girlfriend OR alone, the truth is that you just might not be there yet in a phase of your life where your sexuality is that pertinent. Everyone has a different timetable, and everyone also has different levels of libido.

Also, not knowing anything about your background and history, know that there are some common causes for low libido, things like use of antidepressants or other medications which can interfere with sexual appetite, previous sexual abuse or shaming, poor body image, certain disabilities, guilt, worry or anxiety, etc. So, if you're just feeling like you have no libido at all, or a super-low libido, might want to check in with your doctor or counselor, too, and also be sure that you're not putting extra pressure on yourself to respond sexually in a given way, or feel a certain thing, that's inhibiting your enjoyment.

It should also be mentioned that some people just aren't that libidinous in the first place, even to the degree that they identify as asexual. That doesn't sound like the case with you: just putting it on the table.

2) Are your expectations realistic? For instance, it's sounding to me like you ARE feeling something with some types of masturbation, and that you might feel even more if you went with that. It's really normal for a majority of women for clitoral stimulation to be the thing that's the ticket, for instance, so I'm not sure why you're setting that up as a sort of "Well, I can do THIS, but..." when that's the "this" for most women. Too, one orgasm on average lasts just a few seconds, for anyone (even though it can sometimes feel like longer), so do be sure that you're not expecting something in terms of that that isn't in line with reality.

So, if clitoral stimulus works for you alone, that's information to give your partner so that she can do that, too. Show her what you do so she can get the idea: talk to her about what feels good when she's doing something that does so that she knows to continue with that. And if that's working for you but you need to step it up a little, experiment. Given your age, sex toys may not be an option, but if they are, it sounds to me like adding a vibrator to the mix might be the right thing, alone and with your partner.

3) I'd also make sure you do feel chemistry with your partner. Not everyone we love or like as a friend or even romantically, or everyone we find physically attractive, will necessarily push our buttons when it comes to sexual chemistry. You might love and like her a lot, find her very attractive, but it's possible you two may not have that chemistry that makes you feel sexually drawn to someone, aroused when you're around them, and a bit knee-wobbly in their company.

I can't know if this is the case for you, but it's pretty typical for young gays and lesbians to have a really small dating pool. When that's the case, we can find ourselves dating people who we like, sure, and may even love, but who we might choose more because they're one of the few other people we know who are gay, lesbian or bisexual, rather than because we feel an incredibly strong chemistry with them, in particular. I know that's something that isn't so fun to look at, but just in case, I'd evaluate that for yourself, too.

But all in all, if the chemistry is there, the communication is there, and if you HAVE indeed found at least one or two ways with sex -- alone or with a partner -- that do feel good to you, then chances are you likely just need to explore around those ways more. Sex is process, not product, and sex with a partner is something that usually gets better over time, the more we experiment, communicate and get to know each other's bodies better.

written 29 Jul 2007 . updated 20 Dec 2012

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