I still worry he will kill me

Back when we were dating, it took a while for me to let my husband know where I live. When he finally made it through the door, he had one primary observation—it wasn’t the lack of a TV, hundreds of books, or my environmental abuses.

“Wow,” he said, “you have a lot of weapons.”

My house is laced with tools of aggression. One might argue that anything is a weapon if you hold it right, but I like to be very literal in these situations. There’s a baseball bat by the stairs, a Taser in my handbag, and a knife in the shower. Violence is never the answer… unless the question is an unbalanced man who has finally come to collect on his threat to kill you.

Exactly one year before that, on August 20th 2012, a different judge awarded me with a restraining order. Same date, a year apart. My life is poetic in its coincidences and charming patterns.

Don’t Make Me Be Your Karma

I won’t deny that seeing someone get what is coming to them can be deliciously satisfying. But that was never what I wanted—at every step of the way, I offered him an out. I dumped him. I changed my number. I moved. I begged. He didn’t stop. At some point, it’s not enough to change yourself and your patterns to discourage someone who is intent on hurting you. Eventually, you have to stand up for yourself.

My ex chose to back me into a corner, so I chose to strut my way out of it, tossing my hair as his world crumbled around him. 25 year career—gone. Retirement—gone. Relationships—gone. Respect—gone.

In the grand scheme, he will be a passing blip on my radar. But for him, I was the iceberg to his Titanic and there were really not enough life boats.

I am Okay, I am Safe

It’s been a year, it’s been two years, I still worry he will kill me. Every time I wash my face, I am convinced I live in a movie and he will be there when I look in the mirror. Every noise is the sound of him prying off a window screen. Every peaceful silence is just the moment before the door is splintered by a determined kick.

In the aftermath of the breakup, I couldn’t sleep. I would wake in the middle of the night with an explosion in my chest and no air to breathe. My mind was a scene of devastation, convinced he was there and this was the end. It would take several minutes of crouching by the bed on my hands and knees, gasping and repeating over and over in my head, “you are okay, you are safe, he is not here, you won. You are safe.”

How I Sleep at Night

It would be great if I never had to be afraid, and maybe someday I won’t. A piece of paper doesn’t keep you safe, but fighting back, getting out of a dangerous situation, and refusing to let someone treat you like shit most certainly makes it better. Being in an abusive relationship will leave its mark—but I welcome any scar that I can point to as a testament of my will to survive.

I felt like utter shit after that relationship. I blamed myself for ever saying yes. I blamed myself for staying, and for every little thing he ever did to me. What I’ve realized is you don’t have to immediately feel okay after something like that. You can look at the shite storm and choose to do what you wish you actually felt like doing. You can choose to make decisions as though you are the person you wish you had the strength to be. And eventually—you will be that person.

I Can’t Stop Laughing

To quote Maya Angelou, “I wouldn’t take nothing for my journey now.” If this hadn’t happened to me, I never would have cultivated such a fierce determination to do whatever the hell I want. I don’t think I realized that I was allowed to look at some of life’s circumstances and simply say “no thanks.”

One and two years later I am still working my way through the fear and the shame but I think I’ve learned a few things. We can wander into swamps, we can make bad choices and we can be hurt by people but that’s not where it ends– We can also change, we can stop, we can grow, and we can rewrite our lives. If you don’t like where your story is going, throw in a plot twist.

Also: Don’t miss the absolutely insane message I received about the Psycho Ex just last week. Seriously, this is all getting so ridiculous and next year I’m leaving the country during August.

What do YOU do to make yourself feel safe? Do you find it easier to handle life when you can laugh at it? In what ways have you re-written your own story?

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Hello! Oh my goodness, you are here! Sorry– what were we talking about? Oh yes, laughing. It’s true, we can’t always “take the power back” from hurt or loss, but when there’s an option, I go with laughter. Then again, I think crying can also be a good thing. In moderation, kind of like booze.

Umm, amongst the knives and tazers and baseball bats, you neglected to mention the loaded gun that is too big to carry around with you. Small omission. After what you’ve been through Aussa, I admire your strength and sense of humor. There is no stigma, nothing to be embarrassed about – you have acted admirably and honestly (as much as possible) and have held your head high. On this anniversary, I wish you many years of happiness and safety.

HAHAHA! Okay– way to just call me out like that, ha! I had written something about sleeping with a gun loaded by my bed but decided it was too distracting and political and I didn’t want to have to go on to make some statement about how I feel about guns and regulation and such.

I cannot even begin to imagine the scars that are carried based on one person’s sickened mind. And then again, I cannot begin to imagine the strength you have in order to be able to discuss things such as these. For having that strength, I’ll say that I’m proud of you.

Thanks Joel. I think we all have a multitude of scars from all sorts of sources… without sounding too morbid, maybe that’s what makes us who we are? I don’t know, I tend to enjoy the company of other scarred people 😉

One year is a big one. It’s like you can stop holding your breath and pat yourself on the back. Savor it, I say. And remind yourself there will be so many more years after that, until you forget to even keep track.

I didn’t realize this was still so fresh for you. Feeling safe again is the hardest thing, once you’ve learned that it is an illusion. I think you are right to try to replace it with feeling like a strong, powerful person in control of your life, because it’s better to have a real feeling that you earn than an illusion. The feelings of self-blame in an abusive relationship are another tough one to weed out, because they are not rational, you can’t reason with them. I think you will manage to overwrite that someday, just by reinforcing internally: he was the bad guy, you behaved reasonably, you won free, you won!! Healing is a process, not a destination, after all. We are all healing from things, and the process makes us stronger. Try making a voodoo doll and leave it on a dish of pins, and every time you need to, poke it with a new pin. 🙂

Safety is definitely an illusion, Brenda! I don’t often talk about that because it makes people look at you all crazy, but the reality is that you have to weigh that perception against the likelihood that someone picks you as the person they want to hurt. And– thank you. Reminding myself that HE was the one in the wrong, over and over, is probably the biggest thing that got me through that first big mental hurdle.

And OMG I have a voodoo doll in my office at work. Now if I could just get a lock of his hair…

LOL You had him by the small hairs. And what’s wrong with redheads, I ask you? We have such a bad rep. In the media, we’re either the witch, the other woman, the slut or the crazy psycho. I think we rock, dang it!

You are something else. THURSDAY??? You toss in something like that? Really? You know, I check in here multiple times a day for the most part. Thursday might as well be the year 2525!

It is funny how abused people tend to accept the blame for the abuse. I can imagine how you feel. I hope Mr Wonderful doesn’t ever think about me. I am a sitting duck, living in the same house. I wouldn’t be able to even guess where he is, but there I am, right where he left me. Thankfully you have Zola there, something tells me she would become quite fierce if you were threatened. (Boyfran too I am sure, but he isn’t there all the time)

Zola is the sweetest most magical thing but she is TERRIFYING when she gets aggressive. I snuck up on her in my backyard just a couple months ago because I thought it would be funny– it was NOT funny. In that split second before she realized it was me, I thought she was going to kill me. Okay, it was a little funny.

I tend to laugh at the situations life throws at me but I think that is my natural reaction. I love dates and how some things repeat itself on certain dates. I really hope that you will start to feel safer and that you will not have to leave the country next year August.

I’m sorry such a thing ever happened to you, it sucks to have to deal with the aftermath. I’ve never had to deal with an abusive relationship but growing up, my dad had a quick and fierce temper and was always free with his hands, or belt, or cane or whichever was available. Although I understand that it is with the best of intentions and he got better when I was older, such a memory will still stick to you forever nevertheless. It can never compare to your pain but stay strong!!! And keep having those weapons around for you to feel better…:)

I am reading a book right now that talks about severe physical punishment during childhood…. I think this can have a huge impact on how we navigate through life, I would imagine such a memory would never fade.

You are sooooo strong!!! Many women would have ended up curled up in the psyche ward you are so familiar with. Giving people a chance and trying to see the best in people has gotten me into trouble too. I am really trying NOT to create bomb shelterlike walls around me, but I am smarter about how and who I spend time with.

It’s such a hard balance, Susie. I have seen myself ignore those instincts and end up regretting it way too many times. Even with smaller things… I think it’s important to learn to act on that gut feeling but not hold it against everyone else. Easier said than done.

Yes! I wholeheartedly agree, Don! Every single time I’ve had the temptation to do some sneaky vindictive thing, I’m always sooo glad I resisted. People like this are their own undoing, it’s better to focus on cultivating a happy life.

Always remember this. They make us a little bit less human, a little less than what we are meant to be. Lately I have been thinking we are either children of light and hope or of fear and darkness. We are the ones that choose. You, I know, are very much a child of light and hope. Because of your light, there is a little less darkness. Thank you, my friend, for being the amazing person you are–and for all the laughter you have given me.

You are too kind Don 🙂 I remember when I was a teenager, my older brother stopped me in the middle of saying something shitty about someone and told me that I was only damaging my own soul. I have never forgotten that.

I’m rewriting my story so I come out as the victor. I won’t let my ex win, but fear is harder to fight than a man. I still keep butcher knives in every room, under my car seat, in the armband I wear while running (but that’s also just smart being an attractive woman who runs alone in the woods and lives alone in a first floor apartment). There are boogie men everywhere, and the face of evil isn’t just my ex’s.

You’re right about how it’s not just ex’s we have to be afraid of. I hate that women have to live with that as their reality, but it just IS reality. Ugh. I think that as long as you can continue to live your life in a way that makes you happy, you win.

“Violence is never the answer… unless the question is an unbalanced man who has finally come to collect on his threat to kill you.” Epic statement, Aussa. Thank you. You’re so brave, and I love your outlook after such a fucking scary relationship. It’s true that we can always throw in a plot twist – leave the country, go on a road trip, plot a crazy out with a friend, etc. We can bounce back even from the worst of times, and you are living proof of that.

So crazy, Laura. It’s like it gets into our DNA and changes some fundamental part of our makeup. We no longer interact with the world the same way… but at least it does get better. And now when you wake up, you can look around at your life and see how far you are from back then.

To paraphrase Burn Notice: “People are like glass bottles. When struck by a solid object, some shatter into pieces, while others become deadly weapons.” I’m glad that you found strength in your times of trouble. As for me, I carry a .45 Auto handgun everywhere, on the off-chance that danger runs into me. Life ends, so yeah, the best way to go through it is to laugh and enjoy it.

Can I just say, you are the first person to ever start a comment out by saying “To paraphrase Burn Notice.” HAHAHA! I’ve never seen that show, but that quote is apt! Makes a ton of sense… and I agree. Life should be enjoyed as often as it’s possible.. which is more often than we probably realize.

I think I love you more because of the brutality of honesty you just mentioned. “We can wander into swamps, we can make bad choices and we can be hurt by people but that’s not where it ends– We can also change, we can stop, we can grow, and we can rewrite our lives. If you don’t like where your story is going, throw in a plot twist.” there were so many parts I liked and tasted but I had to quote one at the moment (sorry too lazy to write a big comment) but this is so beautiful

Thank you! I almost wrote your name out but remembered you are anonymous 😉 I am glad you liked those words… they’re not the most beautifully complex but that’s how they came out of my brain and how they made sense to me.

I admire you, Aussa, because of your adventurous spirit, humility, wit, intelligence, honesty…and the fact that you possess all these qualities after everything you’ve dealt with in your life up to now. I love to read your posts and look forward to seeing more of them!

I shudder to acknowledge, but I suppose it is because of all that shite, and not necessarily in spite of it, that I may have some of those qualities. It’s such a cliche to go with that “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” thing (and it’s certainly not accurate for quite a few situations) but a lot of times, it really is true. Thank you so much for such a kind comment 🙂

Whew. The amount of identification with your feelings in this post was woah for me. I totally get that tightness in the chest, can’t breathe, holyshitimgonnadierightnow feeling. Not the same situation, but definitely the same feelings. Hundred percent understand the weaponry in your house.
I think the laughter is KEY. I know when it comes to my crazy dad, it’s now become a joke that he thought God would give him 1.7billion dollars. Me and my good friends joke about it all the time – “Well, we could win the lottery, OR we could just wait for Laurie’s dad to get 1.7 billion dollars LOL!” It helps to deal with the insanity of it all and makes it easier to bear.

Ah, Laurie. My story can’t touch the level of loss in your own… Hope I didn’t trigger anything with the anxiety talk. It’s crazy how our bodies are even capable of doing that to us… it makes me wonder WHY. It’s like some survival instinct that’s spiraled out of control.

And YES to the laughter! Oh my gosh, I would never have believed I’d be able to laugh at jokes about my family but now it’s fairly common. And I’m happier. Ha.

Aussa, look at you. Your blog and you have changed so much. I am so proud of you for all your accomplishments. Sorry I haven’t been around. Health problems. Let me tell you how I handled my abusive first husband. He threw me around one night–slammed me against walls. My father was Sheriff of another county but the next morning my ex woke up to a gun at his head. Thanks, Dad. and the next day I was filing for a divorce. I saw him only once more. His car had broken down and he was walking on the turnpike–my car had a mind of its own and steered towards him. I looked around–too many potential witnesses. I let him live. My Dad told me that the best revenge is to live well. I know you went through hell and back, but don’t give him any more power over you–over you living well. I think you’re there. I hope your are. Talking about it has to have helped. My family was embarrassed by it and no one talked about it.. So, again, I am so proud of you. Keep it up, Aussa. Lucy

I’m sorry to hear you were having health problems, Lucy. I hope everything is okay.

And that’s amazing about your father and the gun! I’m glad you went to your family and I’m glad you had the gumption to just get out when you realized what was happening. That’s huge and a lot of people don’t do that.

I agree with your Dad about revenge– actually acting out against someone only hurts you more. It’s all very zen and froo-froo but it’s so true. Thanks so much Lucy, I hope you’re doing well!

I have a restraining order against my ex-husband and thankfully it includes him not being able to text or email me right now. He threatened to kill me and harm my children and he’s trying to get the protection order removed because “it’s an axe hanging over his head” :/

I wish you all the best and like everyone says- Only time will make things easier. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to relax when I’m out in public (it’s even worse with my kids) but as each day goes by, things do get a bit easier and you start living a bit more.

Yes– I am so glad that restraining orders apply to any and all “contact” as opposed to the olden days of “500 feet” or something. Though the fact he is trying to get rid of it lights a fire in me. My psycho ex did/is doing the same thing. It’s been a year since he filed for a retrial… I’m guessing they are ignoring it, ha.

Time definitely makes things better. Sometimes I think I’m still mired in the same swamps but then I look back at everything and how I’ve changed and I feel like I deserve a doting “damn, girl!”

Thanks Jane– yes, it is. I have oh so many other stories to tell that sort of weave into this one and inform it… almost as though I was prepared for dealing with these sorts of feelings or experiences. I’m being vague, which is annoying. Oops 😉

I applaud you – you are still quite young (in comparison to myself! ha!) but what smarts you have already. I know people, like my mother (she’s now constantly texting a string of “Prince Charmings” RIGHT AFTER getting divorced from a man who emotionally abused her for 30 years), who still don’t get it. They think they’re OUT & have triumphed but they haven’t changed their standards; sadly. They will be headed back down the same road if they don’t LEARN, like you have! I cannot wait to read the RIDICULOUSNESS! I’ve been sitting impatiently since that Tweet! 😉

HAHAHA! OOOH my gosh, yes! It was that tweet! AGH! And then more after it… I can’t even.. Haha.

That must be really hard to watch your Mom going down that road… I have to say, I did the saaaame thing. Psycho Ex was bad decision #2 and then I very nearly got caught up with The Man-Child… luckily I kept that as nothing more than a glorified fling, ha. Breaking that cycle is oh so hard. But doable.

Totally doable. The key is knowing that you’re worth it – not just thinking you are. You are such a doll! (And not in that condescending, pretty-plaything way that my friend M finds so insulting…)
Oh, and while I’m waiting for the details behind that tweet here’s a semi-famous answering machine msg my ex-husband left me one weekend when he took our son for visitation. Kid wound up with a cold & this pissed the moron off. So he called me while I was out at the crazy, ex-Greek’s place to say that he didn’t appreciate that shiz and that I had some (colorful) nerve & he’s… wait for it… …”I’m TYED o’ yo ASS! AIGHT!?”.
That was on the replay for, like ages! My friend made me save it and play it almost every Friday for omelet night. (Yeah, she had a thing for a good omelet. And a moronic tirade, apparently!) Like he’d never heard of children’s Nyquil or something… Idiot! LOL

Hahahaha! Oh my gosh, that is the ultimate win! Replaying his moronic message over and over again… oh, that makes me feel all light inside like a bubble 😉 Hahahaha sounds like you have an awesome friend.

Hugs. It’s just such a hard thing getting out of an abusive relationship MENTALLY. Like, physically you and I have both been out of abusive relationships for a long time – but mentally we can still be there. And I hate that for you. And for me. But time makes it better. And the arsenal of weapons you’ve cultivated. Let’s just hope the ex is just too damn lazy to really do anything stupid. I know mine is. Fist pounds and hugs.

Hey Miss Aussa, you may be aware that I put up a weekly quote on my blog. I love your last paragraph and may use it if you wouldn’t mind. Of course, I will link back to you my dear. Having said that, I bought guns to keep safe. Three of them to be exact. Long story short, with all the shite (as you would say) going on in my life right now, I haven’t had the chance to take lessons to use them yet. But, I still plan to when things calm down here. I’m so glad you are moving forward and sharing your stories. This is an awesome Aussa post.

Oh geeze, I can’t believe you’ve been through so much. One can’t be more careful though. For me, it’s my guns. If something was to happen, rest assured, if my dog didn’t get them, one of my Smith & Wessons would. 🙂

I spent so many months sulking after my break up (and during the relationship when things weren’t going so well) that I completely lost sight of who I was. My ex didn’t usually make me feel unsafe, although he did emotionally abuse me, so I can’t relate to you keeping weapons lying around the house. If that did happen to me, I would definitely have weapons lying around my house. I mean I told the guy to never speak to me again and luckily he’s listened.

But I spent so many months wishing things had not gone the way they had. It doesn’t do anything! And I saw an old friend yesterday, and we both agreed that there were no repercussions for both of our exes who cheated and lied about it. They didn’t end up losing anything. But now, 2 years later, I can honestly say that I am a happier and better person. I am stronger than I ever was with him. My friend could not believe how much happier I seemed. This is what matters, in the end.

It’s interesting when you just randomly realize you’re happier than you used to be. You can almost forget how bad things were. And I know it’s super frustrating to think those guys didn’t get “what’s coming to them” or anything like that, but I think that the sum total of a person’s life takes all of that stuff into account… and even if he didn’t have some heartbreak or humiliation or anything else, I have a feeling he is not as happy or satisfied with his life as he would be if he weren’t such an asshole.

I have an ex who I despise. Long story, I don’t often say I despise a person but he qualifies. His life seems to be going well enough but I’m not gonna lie… I was pretty pleased when his baby ended up ugly. Yes, I’m a horrible person.

And I know he will realize he’s only with his current girlfriend because she wanted to be an american and get out of Russia… Or rather that’s the only reason she’s with him. And when she finds a hotter, richer american guy, she’s gone

Confession time; I’ve been reading your blog for maybe 4 or 5 months but until today I never linked backed and read all of your original posts that lead to the best blog name EVER. All I can say is WOW and FUCK and SERIOUSLY?! You’ve got brass my dear. Your writing style is crisp, funny and endearing and you weave your own personal horror stories into a semi-light and thoroughly enjoyable read every time. Many more months/years of blogging to you and a poison-ivy covered pox on your shitty ex – Huzzah!

Poison-Ivy covered pox makes me smile 🙂 I mean, the thought of him being afflicted with it, that is. Thank you 😉

And yeah– at the end of it all… I ended up with a perfect blog name. If it weren’t for that, this would probably be called “Aussa’s Life & Stuff.” Just doesn’t have the same ring to it… Thanks for reading through the archives and all this mess!

And here is where I tell you that you that although you will spend more time working through the fears you still have and the shame you still feel even though I know you are aware you logically shouldn’t. When it comes to the abuse we endured, the conditioning is so hard to finally over-write. Trauma is a powerful thing in how it impacts the mind. Over a year and a half after leaving my ex, my greatest battle is the mortal fear of him. I have made great improvements with how I handle my triggers and with getting my confidence back, but it has been a hard, endless battle, and every so often that monster rears up and I have to wrestle it into submission.

My mortal fear is related to the brutal physical punishments I endured related directly to my interactions with other people. His fiercest punishments were meted out to keep me isolated. There were three rules I was never to break, and if you know how stubborn I could be, you know that I repeatedly violated them all until the punishment for doing so became an extreme threat to my life. I was not supposed to talk to anyone at all, if I did, I was to have a script from which I could not deviate, and I was not to look people in the eye. If for some reason he was feeling generous enough to let me have a conversation without him hanging on me like a rabid leech (which he used as an excuse to start an argument and punish me for breaking his stupid rules), he would watch me across the room and interrogate me afterward.

I don’t look over my shoulder for him anymore even though I don’t know where he is. I don’t see him lurking in shadows anymore stalking me. But, when I talk to people, I feel him there, even if only in the back of my mind. My own 300 pound monster lying in wait to unleash his wanton anger on me. Mortal fear of my life. When I do anything that would have required his approval, I freeze. I have debilitating panic attacks, often public. Even though logically I know he is gone, he is still there holding me back.

I have a few things stashed in the bedroom I feel I need to keep out of view in case. Just in case he ever materializes out of the recesses of my mind. If you feel the need to have things around you to protect yourself, do it as long as you need to. And don’t be ashamed about what you’ve had to endure and coping mechanisms you have had to adopt to get to where you are now. You have come such a long way, but you can’t expect yourself to get over everything overnight. I constantly have to remind myself this every day. The fear is still real, because we lived it. It wasn’t just a nightmare. It happened to us, and until we re-learn enough in our daily lives that we don’t need to have that fear, it will keep us alert and on guard, because you never know when you’re going to need to protect yourself. Maybe we over-react to noises and things in other people’s eyes, but it’s training. I’d rather have that response than fooling myself into thinking someone as vindictive as Kevin would just disappear when I torpedoed his life and revealed to so many people who he really was won’t obsess over what he would do to me if he had the opportunity to.

Your fear protects you. As much as it stinks and as difficult it can be to battle and get under control. It serves a purpose. And until your brain is appeased that it is no longer necessary, it will be there. Even if it never completely goes away Aussa, just remember how strong and courageous you have been facing him head-on. Never forget how far you have come.

Ah, thank you Amy. Your words are always comforting because they make so much sense to me– often I think these discussions only make sense between people who’ve shared this same experience. I hate that you still deal with the fear and the worry (though it hasn’t been very long for you either, so we’re both making huge progress!) but I think you’re right that it serves a purpose. No matter what, we can always see that every single day has brought us further than we were before, brief setbacks be damned.

Ah my pretend niece. You are one strong woman who I admire deeply. (and I don’t stay that very often to anyone!) Laughter is a great way to manage things. I love your stories, your life, your personality and your person. You are one strong crazy ass woman who I like to think of as a friend.

I had to leave the country to get away from my ex, as most people who know me know. No place was safe as he would follow me across the country. So I moved to another country (really though, one wouldn’t know the difference, except a lot less guns here )

Otherwise I carried a handgun with me at all times till I moved to Canada. As for re-writing my own life. I’ve done it several times all ready. I highly recommend it. It does tend to make things interesting. 🙂

Get yourself a pet Rottweiler with titanium-tipped teeth, a bit like Jaws in James Bond, but it sleeps in a basket 🙂 Love the new look of yur blog – now to work out why your post was in my Spam file. Big hugs, girlie 😉

I think Zola, my Rhodesian Ridgeback, will do just the trick! Well… when she isn’t trying to cuddle everyone 😉 HA! And okay, duuuuumb about being in the spam folder. Since I’ve moved to self-hosted I have been lost to a few people. WordPress is cruel 😉

I love the way people always say “get a restraining order” as if they think that piece of paper will protect you. It won’t. I cannot fathom the fear you feel everyday; well I can a bit as you explain it in your blog, but my reality doesn’t really understand your reality. Best to you, and hopefully peace as well. Cheers ~ Lindy

I think a restraining order is a huge part of the process– because it sort of validates your own fear (and the craziness these sorts of people often make you feel) but most importantly, it puts an extra step of protection there just in case the asshole continues to be an asshole. So something like showing up on your doorstep is enough to warrant an arrest. Do it twice, it’s a felony. But in and of itself… no, no protection at all. Thanks so much for the comment, Lindy 🙂

Hey, go you. You’re a strong person. Women who’ve been in abusive relationships are undeniably scarred from them and it’s one of the most fucked things for anyone to go through. It can even resonate in subsequent relationships (ask me how I know), as the most innocuous of words or actions from a new partner can trigger those memories and bring back those fears. The important thing, I think, is to not let those awful experiences guide your life. Grow from them, and try to leave them in the past.

Oh my gosh, triggers from past relationships are the worst. UGH, so bad. You just have to work through those things and tell yourself “no, this is now, different person.” I was very bad about that for the first 6 months of dating The Boyfran. I mean, even now things will occasionally crop up where my brain just spirals out to crazy town and I have to process through it and realize why I reacted that way. Definitely a process, but that doesn’t mean we can’t get past it and learn from it along the way.

I typically just trust that I am safe. I don’t assume something bad is going to happen to me just because bad shit happens to people. Might be naive, but it’s how I roll. It would completely piss me off to have that trust taken away and I’m sure I would feel just like you do. My husband doesn’t assume we’re safe so he has 2 guns in the safe in the closet and a big knife under his side of the bed.

Yes, laughter in this life is a necessity! We would cry over every damn thing without it. It’s really not hard to find the humor; things are so ridiculous.

I love the simplicity of your last statement– “things are so ridiculous.” Actually, it’s making me laugh right now. Because it’s so freaking true! Ha.

And I like that you’re naive 🙂 Especially since you have the husband there to balance you out, ha. I have some things that I am naive about but when it comes to people… I do tend to just assume everyone is capable of horrible things. Oh cynicism 😉 But I balance it out by obsessively trying to guess what people’s “stories” are… It’s like a cheesy Chick Fil A commercial meets a Cohen Brothers film.

Last year my daughter dateda young man who became obsessive and violent. He didn’t physically hurt hur but came close. We empowered her by encouraging her to call the police and file a report which was followed by a restraining order. He also spent a few weeks in jail for taking her cell phone. I know she came stronger at the other side and at age 18 it gave her a clear message that she doesn’t need to take abuse from anyone. I have never deal with such experiences myself but working in Mental Health helps me filter the “crazy” ones now that I am dating again 🙂 You are very courageous and sense of security is, well, not real as we never control circumstances. But keeping a bat handy always makes me feel more “secure” anyways 🙂

Ah, that’s so much for her to have to go through and deal with at such a young age but you’re right… she’s seen what that behavior looks like and learned that she doesn’t have to take it. I’m so glad you were there to support her through all of that. And yep, a bat helps with the illusion of control 😉

What a way to have to live Aussa. I feel for you. I had a stalker boyfriend. He never threatened to kill me, just wouldn’t leave me alone, even after I was three years married and had moved four times. My husband finally told him to bug off when he found me online. (And was begging for money and talking about monogamous sand-hill cranes mating for life.) My daughter was scared of him and said he reminded her of Hannibal Lecter. Creepy shit. Stay safe!

Oh my gosh! Susan that is nuts that you were married and had moved that much. People’s behavior can be incredibly frightening… and the sand-hill crane thing made me laugh out loud but mostly it’s kind of terrifying and weird. I’m glad he’s finally left you alone!

“Fear of abuse,” it’s presence and disappearance are like a hot stove. You touch it, ouch, you burn yourself. Wait awhile. You touch it again, damn, it’s still hot, burned again. And again, and again, and again. More burns. Then one day, the stove gets turned off. You saw it happen. But by this point, even the thought of touching the stove makes you feel the burn. It takes a long time for your mind, body, and soul to totally connect that you’re not going to get hurt anymore. A looooooong time. I’m not sure it ever totally fades away, but it will drastically diminish.

Sheryl, this comment went into my spam folder so I only just now saw it! My wordpress spam thing is way too vigilant. I’m so glad I didn’t miss this though, because it’s the most absolutely perfect analogy ever. I am glad that much of this fear has diminished, and I look forward to it fading as much as possible in the future.

Yes. The past gives us the courage to face the future, the present and the possible outcomes. Strength does come from survival. Sometimes, all one knows is drama and violence — for those, I hope they can someday break the cycle. Living in constant fear, adrenaline rush though it may seem to be, is no way to live – and eventually destroys physical health along with mental. Congratulations on the escape to freedom!

Thanks! And yep, I am a huge believer in taking from the past what is good for the future– then leaving everything else back where it belongs. Any relentless fear or stress or grief takes years off your life… I rather like my life, so I’d like to keep it as long as I can 🙂 Thanks for reading, and for the comment!

‘But that was never what I wanted—at every step of the way, I offered him an out’ – I had a situation where I did the same thing – I offered him an out (nothing like what you went through, but the premise was the same) and he refused every single one. He only got it when I threatened to ruin his life….and of course, I was the bad guy.

I bought my safety with two exes (lots of money).As a result, they finally realized they were better off without me. They had everything and didn’t have to put up anything. all ended happily ever after.

Thank you!! Knowing that someone, anyone, could draw a bit of good from hearing this story makes it worth the telling. I hate how many people can relate to it, but when we stop being afraid to speak up and out, it helps empower us to move forward.

Hey girl…. it sounds like you might still have a touch of PTSD. But you have come a long way. You are a strong individual and I’m glad it has made you stronger instead of cowering in a corner somewhere. I love that you came out strutting your stuff and flipping you gorgeous red hair! That’s the way to do it!
ps I can get notifications again on follow up comments, but I still can’t “Like” it! 🙁

Ha, I’m sure I do! It’s a terrible joke, but I sometimes say I can’t keep track of the various things that have given me PTSD 😉 I do know that most of these things are getting better though, so that gives me hope.

I’m glad the follow-up box is fixed! I still have to dig into the like thing.

Yes, that quote is so eerily true. Sadly, the history of the world is full of stories where men hurt women. Sad is the best word to put there… and “glad” because I’m glad I live now, where things are getting somewhat better and at the very least I can always blog about it. Thanks for the comment, Kevin! I’d forgotten that quote, it is perfect.

You continue to amaze me with your resilience and inner strength. I would just kill the SOB and be done with it. Too bad you didn’t know about your soullessness when you were on trial for someone else’s crimes. You could have been the Ginger Dementor and sucked the soul right out of that lawyer.

Shortly after I had a peeping tom climb my apartment building and shimmy around the molding to my bedroom window I couldn’t be in my house if it was dark. The perpetrator never hurt me and never made himself known, but he knew me. He know what my apartment looked like. He knew my schedule. I spent HOURS sitting on the floor in the door frame between my bedroom and bathroom holding two kitchen knives. I don’t know what I thought I was going to do, but I felt safe there.

Ugh, that is so creepy. And such an absolute violation. He was never caught? Did he just go away? Wait till I tell my “Gooseberry” story in October… that’s what this made me think of. So creepy and could have ended much worse.

The image of you sitting on the floor with two knives… makes me angry. We shouldn’t have to feel like that, ever.

You are awesome, Aussa, even without a television set to hook up a kickass PS4 to. I’ve met many men like your ex during my 15 plus years in law enforcement, and I have nothing but respect and admiration for you for being able to stand up to him. Men like him break people with little games and subtle jabs that add up over time and really wear people out. When they aren’t getting what they want, then they get dangerous and it often doesn’t end well for many women. I’d be pretty okay hearing that he met a tragic, if not comedic death falling off a cliff while trying to take a selfie or something equaly stupid. Yours will be a happy ending, and I look forward to reading about it.

Hahahaha Don I have been carrying that $350 cash around in my wallet, buying iced coffees and sangria, that’s soo much better than a PS4 😉

And it’s crazy how similar what you just said is to what my (cop) brother said. I don’t remember if I included this when I first told this story, but my brother had just had back surgery and was HIGH AS A KITE on all sorts of pain meds. That was the only way I ever had the guts to bring any of this up to him, because I assumed he would forget. For that brief moment he stopped rambling about popsicles and fruit rollups and gave the longest speech about “these kinds of guys” and their patterns, and how badly it can end up. So crazy how common it is.

The selfie-cliff combo is perfect 😉 We can dream, Don! Ha… oh, I don’t know. I just wish he’d check himself into the VA and never leave. Maybe one of those kinds where they lock the door from the outside.

Uh, yeah. I have to laugh about certain things or I’d go insane. In fact, the hubs and I were at our anniversary dinner Saturday night, and the manager came over to wish us happy anniv and such, and she asked what the secret was to 13 years. I immediately said, “a sense of humor”. LOL. It’s so true though! not that I’ve needed much of a sense of humor to be married (compared to the one I needed to survive my twenties), but you know…..kids, and babies, and exorcism baby barf, and barking dogs…and ….and ….yeah.

Laugh. a lot.
(sorry I’ve been awol from your blog….just getting back into cyberspace after vacay. Catching up now)

so glad you fought back and won, chica. You’re an inspiration, fah reals.

Welcome back to the internet world, Beth! Hope the vacation and anniversary was lovely and devoid of exorcism vomit.

I like that the secret is “a sense of humor,” because The Boyfran and I have that in ways that is not safe for public viewing. Except maybe I blogged about it, I don’t know, ha. But I know it’s got to be a battle to hold onto that sometimes, when life piles things on. Don’t let me forget!

You have had to be a strong lady! I don’t believe in guns but if I was in your situation, I would agree they were necessary. I had a friend who suffered from abuse and threats and she would go to target practice and post pictures of her hitting the target just to make sure her ex knew she had a good aim.

It’s funny– this ex took me to my very first driving range and was amazed by me being a “natural shot.” Ha! Maybe he will remember 😉 And I agree about guns… it’s such a hard thing for me to reconcile because I don’t like how easily accessible they are, or how children and people with certain degrees of mental illness are able to get them, but then it’s this awful Catch 22 where it’s the only way I can feel safe– knowing HE has one. I suppose I could also work on further developing my ninja skills.

I totally have a baseball bat behind my bedroom door. I am thinking about putting a Security System sign in my front yard. I’m not actually installing security because I’m cheap…But, also paranoid. I’m glad Boyfran seems like such a great match for you. It’s time, you deserve happiness 🙂

Haha! I love the balance of cheap and paranoid. I’ve had security systems in the past and it seems like they were used more as a tool of torment… they can be used against you if you have someone who just wants to scare you. Long story, ha. But a sign is probably a good idea to deter any potential prowlers– no doubt.

I thought someone was trying to break into my flat once. I lay down on the kitchen floor with a knife, ready to slash their Achilles tendon when they walked in 😉 Not sure how that would have worked out! My friend was like – are you nuts!? I said I’d rather go down fighting 😉
Sorry you’re still living with the aftermath of this – but we all know you’re one tough cookie and you’ll get through it! 🙂

Matthew turns 18 on Wednesday… So, 17 1/2 years later I still block the front door with a chair at night, so I can hear if someone comes in. And I have wasp spray nearby in my room after my mace expired. Strangers don’t scare me., my ex does, and after this week I wonder if he’ll disappear forever, or figure he has nothing to lose once custody is no longer arguable. :-\

Wow, Jeanette. Major wow about the chair in front of the door. I’ve stopped dragging a bookshelf in front of mine but that is almost 100% due to the fact that I am L A Z Y.

Wasp spray, I need to get some of this stuff! I have a shotgun by mine (shhhh surely no one else is reading this comment) but wasp spray is probably a good idea to just keep around the house… Julie would approve.

That’s a scary thought about the custody issue… so wait, Wow. Wednesday is a weird day for both of us then. Damn. I know it’ll be fun and happy while you celebrate his birthday but that’s still a heavy thought to have weighing on you… okay, I will send you good ju ju as I conjure it up for myself as well. Deal? Deal.

In all seriousness, happy anniversary. You’re amazing and nothing wrong with a few/many weapons – you deserve to sleep safe at night – meanwhile, if anyone did try to disturb your sleep, they deserve what comes to them…

I haven’t read you from the beginning Aussa, and not all your posts. This is the first I knew you went through this. I’m terribly sorry you went through this, and will still experience its fallout. I think, like you, it changes one forever.

My own was not the same–I was never worried about THIS man coming after me (not this one, but another long ago), but I was very scared of him at the time–I thought he might kill me–and there was definitely scarring.

The LAPD refused to respond even after i showed up at their front desk and displayed the large-sized finger bruises where he’d grabbed my arm to fling me across the foyer. I couldn’t leave because all my friends owned dogs or cats, all the shelters with openings had them, too, and I get asthma from them. I had inadequate funds for rent or extended stay hotels. And, should I divorce, no insurance, post-COBRA, to cover my pricey autoimmunities. So there I was, trapped in the same house with my long-term emotional abuser and more-recent physical abuser

Ah, good times…good times.

I love it when some man–so far, it’s always been a man–says to me “You could have left if you wanted to. You just weren’t ready to leave.”

Yes. You’re the expert.

When I left, he made six figures, I made $16,000 part-time (I was by then limited to part-time work by my illnesses), I got no spousal. He had a killer lawyer. Thanks to non-socialized medicine, I have spent $100,000 todate out-of-pocket on my medical costs, averaging over $10K a year, which has come out of my so-called retirement funds.

I don’t have to do anything to feel safe. No one is trying to get me. No one wants to go after me. I no longer have anything anybody wants.

But I am still very glad I’m not with that effing sociopath, and that every minute, I am my own person.

What a horrible, disgusting ordeal. And that makes my heart hurt that there wasn’t any sort of option for you to go for a safe place. I will have to ask our women’s outreach and the domestic abuse shelters around here if they have accommodations for people with animal allergies. Lord, I would hope so.

People often don’t understand unless they’ve been there or been through it with a loved one. So many judgmental words, but they’re empty and based on nothing but that person’s own pride.

Your ex sounds like an asshole of the highest order. I could spend a lot of time being mad at him, and law enforcement, and the judicial system, and that medical BS but I like your perspective that you can celebrate the fact you get to be your own person, every minute.

I blend into my wacko neighborhood, do not let fear of random violence keep me in fear. No longer have friends with crazy boyfriends…I hope your ex is alone with the piles, not tormenting another woman. Hard part of the learning curve, but look how far you have come! Great post and good luck with new boy-fran.

I haven’t been through nearly the amount of things you have, Aussa, but in my own life when I freak out I seek conversation and comfort with others. My boyfriend is my main go-to obviously, but I have some close friends that I start texting when things go wrong. The one real fight my bf and I had resulted in him not talking to me for a whole day and I was shaking on the drive to his place, so I called a friend and asked if he could talk with me. He did.

The other thing I do is journal and write it out in various ways. If something horrific happens I take notes for scary moment sin my novels. It helps to use the emotions to create something.

I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that. But you are such a strong person for learning to laugh at things and go forward to feel safe again. I have never been in a situation where I felt unsafe, but I think that for me, I realize that my own happiness is what matters, and that when I listen only to myself, I feel better about things going on in my life. Also, watching plenty of stand up comedy helps me laugh and forget about what bothers me. 🙂

Aussome, we both know how I feel about this sociopathic fucker so I won’t bore you. In my experience they do not respond to rehabilitation and there is only one sure way to know he ain’t gonna bother you again. I pray you get to read his obituary one day…sooner than later. Love Red. Btw, you might have something to say about my last 2 posts.

Just clicked over and will definitely check them out, REDdog. I’ve slipped behind in my blog reading of late, argh.

And I like your proposal of a solution, HAHA! And I probably will read his obituary at some point… simply because he has so many years on me. Oh gosh, so morbid.. Don’t want to jinx myself, it’s storming outside, I could get struck by lightning. *knocks on wood*

Woah, really??? Some people have said that they receive two emails now. That’s really weird. Someone else said it looks “weird” in the reader but I didn’t know what that meant. What the helllll WordPress! Hmmm I’ll do some investigating!

Wow. That is a lot for one person to go through. Glad you’re not afraid and you can live your life and most importantly LAUGH.
I like to face my fears now. When you’re a single mom trying to make it to your next paycheck sometimes, shit like spiders is like “Don’t make me laugh.” I used to hatey hate public speaking but I forced myself to do it through charity events and now it’s no big whoop. Fear is not stronger than we are. Eff Fear!

That whole court appearance-thing was only a year ago?! Somehow I had the impression it happened in your distant past. I’m sure you didn’t write anything to give that impression. Remember who you’re dealing with here.

Christ, what if my daughters go through this bullshit? How am I going to protect them? I often joke that I hope they’re both gay so they don’t have to deal with men but there’s a part of me that isn’t really joking.

Haha, YEP! I started my blog like 6 weeks after that! Seriously, it was the comment from my attorney, calling me a “hacker ninja hooker spy” that made me go “wow, that sounds like the name of a blog I should have.”

My first post (don’t go read it, I don’t even want to read it. Old writing is scary) is about how he went back to the district court to try and overturn the restraining order. Thankfully they ignored that request.

And fingers crossed that they’re gay, Mark! Though women can also be crazy……………… as we all know.

Wha…wha..wait. Women can be crazy too? Is there no hope for my daughters!? This is sobering news at 7:15 a.m.

Just look at you. Only one year in and your blog is a marauding behemoth. It’s a testament to your readability, compelling stories and marketing savvy. You make me want to tighten-up my own posts and get off my lazy ass and open Facebook and twitter accounts.

For several years, I lived with incrementally growing pain from my Crohn’s disease. It grew quietly, and while I knew I was uncomfortable, I didn’t realize that bit by bit, I was becoming immobilized. It affected everything in my life, literally every single breath I took. It took a doctor, saying that I had the highest pain tolerance he’d ever seen to make me stop and think and say SHIT! THIS FUCKING HURTS, I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING. I started taking a drug that scared the hell out of me. And it has made me feel healthy — removed the pain.

Basically, I was that frog placed in a pot of cold water, with the heat slowly increased.

And so, I’m betting, were you.

Now I have never been in an abusive relationship so perhaps I’m wrong. But I think there are few people who dive right into a relationship that sucks. It starts good, and then gets incrementally painful until you cannot move.

So learn your lessons, move on, and don’t beat yourself up about it. That doesn’t change a thing.

And keep those weapons handy until you read his obituary. And then, just for good measure, go to the viewing.

I have so much to say about the rest of your comment but I am giggling– like full out glee– at the last sentence. So good.

I’d never heard the frog in a cold pot of water metaphor… but it’s so applicable. That’s exactly how it was, and you don’t realize how bad it is until it feels like it’s “too late.” Which, of course, it never is.

And oh my gosh, I’m so glad you’ve found a medication that helps with your Crohn’s disease so you don’t have to live with that level of pain.

There’s a great scene in the movie “Chatade” with Aubrey Hepburn and Cary a Grant. Audrey’s husband dies and his enemies show up at the funeral. One of the pulls out a pin and sticks it into the corpse to make sure he’s dead.

It really does suck that the ex was so psycho that he thought he was right until the bitter end, never taking any of the outs you offered and making you envision his face behind you in the mirror to this day still. Keep the weapons in your house, Aussa. I’m with you in that one. I hope the news you deliver on Thursday will be he’s-left-the-country terrific, my friend.

Oh how desperately I wish there were some way I could deport him… why must he be an American citizen, why?!

And I feel like it’s something of a trend in my life for people to refuse the outs they are given. Hopefully soon that will be replaced by a more positive trend… like goats on the loose or overlapping ice cream truck routes.

Meaning no offense, your relationship reminds me of what Zachery could have been had I not run when I did. I feel for you because even that much terrified me for a long while. I still had to see him at school every day, wondering if this would be the day he decided to take his ‘joke’ about bringing a gun to school seriously. But, it passes. These are the experiences that teach us our actions are our own. No one can stop us with fear if we don’t let them. And if they do something in rage or depression, it is their fault, not yours.

No offense at all! I remember seeing Zachery as a future Psycho-Ex when I read your posts about him. Scary, scary stuff. And comments about bringing a gun to school should always be taken seriously.

Also, this is random and possibly creepy but I was totally thinking about you earlier, so it’s nice to see you around here! Maybe I caused it with mind control…. I will now focus on seeing Dave Eggers around here. That would be awesome too.

Life has been crazy busy. It’s all I can do to keep up with my own blog, let alone read some. Tonight was a nice treat because I got some blog reading in. I feel like something has changed in my absence. Have you redone all the images on your blog or am I seeing things?

Way to be a hero. Sharing your story is akin to sparking a connection with a kindred spirit. A bit of hope and light for those stumbling through the darkness of abuse. No. It’s not just me. No, it’s not something wrong with me. Or that I deserve this treatment or this awful person because I’m shit and that’s just what I deserve. No. Your words are proof that I’m not crazy. There’s someone else.
Yes, you tell your story with humor and bravery and scathingly clever wit- and believe me your writing talent goes far with me. You’ve got a way with words. But your true gift, to me, is the knowledge that I’m not alone. And that it’s not something I have to hide. Or feel shame. And that maybe, I might be able to start talking about it.

Hey, thank you so much for this comment… you don’t know how much it means to me to know that anything I write could help shed a little light for someone else, or offer any degree of hope. No, it is definitely NOT you. And you’re not crazy. Not. At. All. Shame can be a killer if you let it take hold… I hope you fight it and are able to talk about this with people in your life. Thanks so much for speaking up and leaving this comment 🙂

Your last paragraph is so true! I just need to remember it when I get caught up in emotional turmoil. I think you already know how much I like and admire you – and every blog post just cements that opinion!

Thanks for sharing your story hopefully it will urge others to stand up and fight back against this type of intimidation. I went through a much lesser stalking situation more than 10 yrs ago, but still scary so I can only imagine what you must have gone through and are still going through! (virtual hugs your way) In my case, this person would follow me around, place items, pictures, notes on my car windshield, He would wait for me when I left work in the evening just sitting in his car staring me down! For a while I would keep seeing him every where I went (or someone who looked like him which would send me running away wracked with anxiety) even after he finally stopped for I while I kept thinking I saw him everywhere. I finally filed a police report and asked that they call him to tell him to stop harrasing me. Of course he told them he had done nothing wrong, but Getting the police involved was enough to get him to stop. The anxiety lingered and I feared he would show up again. With time, the fear finally went away. You never truley know what is going on in someone else’s head so you have to be careful. Good news is most people are not murderous and they are full of… (well you know). (Thank God). the odds are in our favor. Still I think humor and talking about it are the best ways to deal with the challenging aspects of life. Much love to you Aussa!

Oh my gosh, no that is terrifying. I’ve had a similar sort of experience– in terms of it not being a former romantic partner– but not to the extent of leaving photos and notes. That is HELLA creepy. I’ve heard a couple stories like this from other bloggers… That is really very scary behavior. Not that I need to tell you that– ha.

I’m glad that involving the police was enough to get him to back off. I shudder to think of what his behavior might have escalated to, ick.

It’s so funny and true though that for the most part things work out because most people aren’t keen on murder. Lucky us! Haha

Such is the way of trauma, Aussa… it lingers in after effects. The world is just beginning to realize that PTSD not just for combat veterans anymore, although it still doesn’t understand complex PTSD… little traumas, but lots more of them over time. Wish I didn’t know that by experience, but, I do.

You describe so well what so many women I have known have gone through … except for the humor. Most of them had very little humor to find in their experience, and yet its humor that often gives us strength. But I’ve worked with women who had somewhat more extreme situations, in that they killed their abusers. For most of them, they were simply driven to that point of no return, “can’t take the abuse anymore,” “the next time he may actually kill me and not just beat me up,” etc. And of course they wound up in prison which is how I met them. Most of these women had lived with their abusers, but not all of them. Some tried to separate and spent their “freedom” feeling scared and paranoid.

You do what you can to protect yourself. The more people you let in on it (like the Boyfran), the better because then you have more eyes looking out for you. You may never feel truly safe until the bastard is dead and you’ve actually seen his corpse. Unless you believe in zombies or vampires or any other monster capable of rising from the dead. You might have to make like Sam and Dean in Supernatural and perform some rites to ensure that the bastard never rises again.

Stay safe, girl. Keep the humor going. Life is short even when it is long and prosperous.

I have often been told I have a dark sense of humor and dark or not, it has gotten me through plenty. Still does. You are an amazing, strong soul, Aussa. Keep writing, keep laughing…you’re gonna be just fine.

I have an over-active imagination. I sometimes feel like you do about expecting to look in the mirror after washing my face and seeing someone there … except I don’t have any backstory with a crazy, stalker ex. So I can only imagine what that’s like for you.

I would have weapons stashed everywhere too.

(Every time I read one of your posts and go to comment, I sit staring at my screen for a mini eternity because I’m so struck and dumbfounded that nothing I would say seems worthy. You truly render me speechless.)

Hey, thank you so much. And that’s funny about the mirror worry– you know, I’ve been checking behind the shower curtain my entire life, long before I had any trauma. I blame Hollywood for all of us having undue paranoia!!!

And your comment about visiting you in Malaysia feels like a good omen! The Boyfran and I have been dreaming and pseudo-planning a move there for the last week. Out of nowhere it just seems like a good idea to become expats in KL after we tie the knot someday. So who knows… it could happen 😉

I can’t imagine, Aussa. I’m pretty anti-weapon only because they terrify me and because my sanity wavers, which mixed with firearms make me fear that I will end up on the headlines one day, but I think I would have done the same. I don’t see any other option. You are brave and strong and a mighty force. He better be careful and heed your warnings because I have a feeling if this became a headline, it would read:

Feisty Redhead Tases Psycho Ex…One Last Time (Then Skips Over Him to the Red Carpet For Her Debut Best Seller Release)

Mandi, not gonna lie– dreaming up such headlines is a favored mental pastime of mine… and as far as sanity and guns, I think it’s pretty incredible to have the self-awareness to know it’s a bad idea. One of my good friends says the same thing. And there was definitely a one month period where I had to get it out of my bedroom and stow it in my closet, because I was having anxiety attacks in the night. Just did NOT seem like a good idea… definitely makes it scary that the entire country can so easily get ahold of them, when we all have so many issues HAHA.

Oh, Aussa… I love this, and I’m so proud of you, girl. Which is weird, since we’ve never met, but still.

I feel safe, but I also sleep with a loaded .357 by the bed, I know where the knives are, and I am a mother, which overrides my most irrational fears. Our rule around here is “if you’re inside, you’re on the wrong side of the glass.” All bets are off.

I love that if we don’t like a path we’re on, we can, yes, change paths. Some people can never grasp that, so I love that you did. It will continue to get easier, but until then, keep the knife in the shower, just in case. (Wouldn’t THAT be a nasty surprise? “Hello a$$hole! Wrong shower!!”)

I have to go–we are moving my oldest to ccccc–ccc-c-c-college tomorrow and it’s going to be a crazy week, but here’s a virtual hug for you.

Haha I like that attitude about the wrong side of the glass. Seriously.

And I can fall into a trap of getting upset about how LONG it took me to figure out I could direct my own life… I feel like I wasted a lot of years. But mourning that time is just wasting more of my life, better to keep my eyes trained forward.

Well damn. And you know what, you’re right…if it took that shitty of an experience to give you the profound message that you just shared with us…well, hard to say that you’re better off, but it was worth it in some ways that only your soul (and your karma) totally appreciate. Proud of you, girlie!

It’s true… it’s not like this is the path I would ever go back and choose for myself, but I can’t really regret it either, because I like who I’ve turned out to be. Life is ridiculous like that 😉 Thank you Tammy!

I had a recent experience with someone who sent me a very nasty letter. (I don’t know her, she has seen me, apparently).

It unsettled me deeply – the fact she’d got my address, that she’d watched me and judged incorrectly things she knew nothing about, and decided she had to tell me. Someone suggested she’d followed me home to get my address.

The next few weeks I jumped looking out windows, thinking she might be watching me, I felt sick everytime the mail came.

It made me realise how bloody awful stalking victims have it, and how it must stay with them for years. Being on guard all the time.

Oh my gosh, that is really really awful. Was she a complete stranger? What an odd fixation. That’s very alarming, I’d definitely be on the lookout for her. That sort of behavior is usually limited to online trolling, but an actual letter? Very weird.

I intentionally waited to catch up on your posts because I wanted to be emotionally prepared to read this one. I cannot say vehemently enough that I know how you feel. I have weapons EVERYWHERE. Not just in each room, in multiple secret , but easily accessible, hiding places in each room. I refuse to have a non-clear shower curtain. I wear my glasses in the shower and keep them within inches of my hands when I am asleep. Sometimes my friends make fun of me for it or don’t understand. But I don’t care if they make fun of me, I don’t need them to understand. I need to feel safe.

Ah, sorry if it was triggery at all. I am the same way with clear shower curtains. They’re the ONLY option. And I use the bathroom at the top of my stairs and constantly think I hear someone coming up them… it’s the worst.

People don’t always understand, but like you said– they don’t have to. That’s not what we need.

Learning to say NO is one of the most empowering things you can do for yourself. It’s still a work in progress for me, but I’m getting better at it. It’s amazing how much more energy you have when you start standing up for yourself. Having said all that, my home is frightfully weapon free!

Definitely. I think blogging and writing about it has definitely helped with the empowerment thing, as well as knowing that people have supported me (which is often not the case for women) but safety…. hopefully that arrives more fully in the future 🙂

I can understand how you feel – I have a stalker. My stalker is a female. I thought she was a friend. I shared so much of my life with her. Then she tried to kill her boyfriend . . . and I knew too much.
In the end I moved away from my residence, then I moved out of town, I re-married so she wouldn’t know my new last name, I moved again 4 more times & I keep quiet. I don’t want her to find me.

You’re kidding me!!!!! You knew too much?! What the heck, that sounds like crazy town. I’m glad you kept moving away, but good lord. This reminds me of that ridiculous movie with Halle Berry and Bruce Willis (I think?) where she is a reporter. I can’t believe that came to mind.

I had an abusive person in my life for many years, starting when I was just a teenager. He wasn’t a boyfriend… he was supposed to be my older brother. I haven’t seen him in many years… but I still often expect him to show up at any minute and murder me. Once I happened to look out the window and see, from a distance, a guy walking down the sidewalk about a block away who vaguely resembled him… same color hair, wearing a Bulls jacket, etc. I panicked, locked the doors, and hid in the basement for an hour before I convinced myself that it wasn’t him and that he wasn’t on his way over to my house!

Ugh I’m sorry that you have to live with that fear, even after many years have passed. I know that same drill well– thinking you see him in every person with the slightest resemblance. I’ve talked to other people who’ve been victims of a range of assaults and they share similar experiences. I think time is often the only thing that helps lessen it.

Stay strong Aussa and never give in to the fear. I know what you did takes a lot of courage, and now you have to move on. Learning to trust another guy will be hard but just remember most are not like your crazy ex. There are good men out there.

There definitely are! I would have the odds stacked against me with a shite dad, but luckily he had four sons who’ve all ended up as great guys, so I have some examples to look at. And The Boyfran is pretty wonderful. I punished him for a few months when we first got together… poor guy. But now things are good, HA.

Holy holy crap, Rilo. That is one hell of a story.
There are a lot of similarities in his crazy behavior and your/our resulting mental fog of thinking we somehow deserved it or brought it on ourselves. So not true. That sounds like so much shit to happen in just 11 months. I am beyond glad that he is geographically far away from you, though the internet is not always very helpful in getting away from people :-/

I wish you soooo much luck as you move on past all of this madness. It will only get easier, and hopefully he will eventually fade away or find something else to obsess over. If you ever do start a blog (sounds like you have plenty of material) do let me know! Thanks for sharing your story and for the words of support 🙂

Thank you! I felt uneasy afterwards for doing that much over-sharing, lol, so the response and positivity are appreciated.

Yep, all that happened in less than a year. That’s why it still feels shitty – half because I got swept up in it so fast and half because the other party won’t let it go after like, 3x that amount time has passed.

If you’re interested, I stumbled across this Ted Talk about domestic violence that explores some of the many reasons why victims don’t leave. It wasn’t easy to listen to but l thought it was inspirationalhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1yW5IsnSjo

Indeed, he is. It’s crazy, I feel like even just since writing this post he’s had less of an effect on me… like less of a presence in my daily thoughts. Blogging is definitely therapy. And the followup to this post also helped a lot, haha.

AFTER THE WAY YOUVE STALKED AND HARASSED ME I KINDA WORRY YOUR EX MIGHT KILL YOU TOO. IF THATS HOW YOU ACT TOWARDS A COMPLETE STRANGER THEN THERES PROB A REASON HE TREATEC YOU THE WAY HE DID….MAYBE YOU SHOULD PUT A DRESS ON AND TRY TO BE MORE FEMININE AND BAKE HIM A CAKE AUSSA;)

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