Give it a rest.

I am on the road to recovery. Why do I say that when I just weighed in at the highest I have been since I started losing weight healthily 1 year ago? And I have been eating everything on my “not good for you” list? And feeling the pain of eating it all? Why do I say that when I feel like I have been very wishy washy lately in my quest for quiet time? And getting angry at myself for falling back in to my sailor talk?

I say that because I know that God holds me in the palm of his hand. And that it will take a minute by minute approach sometimes to get better. I want to get better. I will get better. Everyone’s journey is different. So why should I get mad at myself when I don’t fit a mold?

My thoughts for today land on re-structuring my time. My life. Recently, a friend at church – who I really admire – told me she was restructuring some things with her business and life. She told of adding a monthly massage time and other things to replenish her soul That just spoke hope into me. If she is taking taking time for herself, why shouldn’t I? God has been whispering this over me for a little while. I say whisper because I was only half paying attention. I was listening to the voice of self with it’s self hatred talk of “just eat that — you know it will not make you feel good.. but just eat it because you don’t like yourself. Remember?” Yep. That is actually a voice in my head that I thought was over but apparently have let back in.

I recently had a dream where this guy would not get out of our car. I was getting angry and said “in the name of Jesus, Go!” But he wouldn’t. I kept hearing “squatters rights” and I woke up thinking “have I let the enemy get a foothold of something?” I do believe it has something to do with the control of food. And how I sometimes say “I am going to finish this eating lifestyle and see it through” but the back of my mind keeps saying “no you won’t. You will end up back where you started.”