Freeing the voices in my head

Posts tagged ‘friends’

I have no ideas for tonight’s blog. I need to email a couple of trusted people to be First Readers for my manuscript; the original Readers are all too busy, I haven’t heard back from any of them in months and really NEED input! But the two people I have in mind are going through major family issues right now and I don’t want to intrude. *sigh*

I’ve been spending my mornings painstakingly describing a location and am bored with it. My writing weakness is not enough description, moving too fast, but I get bored reading (and writing!) descriptions! I know it’s necessary, but I want to move on to the action part of my second manuscript!

Is it foolish to write the second manuscript in the series when I’m not even sure the first one is marketable? Nah, I’m following my main rule: Write for me first, because it gives me joy. If others like my writing, cool! Maybe that’s why I’m bored. Describing the location isn’t really what I want to do, even though, for something that might be published someday, it is necessary.

Reading the blogs of others is a break of sorts, but I know I’m just delaying…I need to finish the stupid description and dive into the blood, gore, monsters, heroes, FUN part of my story!

No, not “terrorist,” no one is attacking the USA. It’s just Life attacking me and the people I love. What is the most terrifying thing that can happen? Well, if you’re a parent, it’s anything regarding your child. Doesn’t matter how old they are, when something bad approaches or happens to your kid, you feel it – that heart-wrenching, gut-twisting, knee-buckling sensation: Terror. At the same time, because you are the parent, you are not allowed to collapse screaming on the floor (which is what part of you wants to do). Nope, you must act strong, calm, and deal with the situation.

About two weeks ago, we got a phone call late in the afternoon from our daughter’s ex-boyfriend. She had been in a lot of pain in June from a pinched nerve in her shoulder that numbed her right hand and left her with fumbling fingers — yes, you can have pain and numbness at the same time; it’s happened to me. She did go to a clinic, but not a chiropractor. She has no insurance and little income because she only has a part time job. By July 4th, she was better, but her hand was still kind of numb and tingly.

For the next two weeks, unknown to us, she battled a painful infection. She did go to Urgent Care and took the antibiotic and pain meds they gave her. The next day, she tried to call her friend for help. By the time he could get to her, she was incoherent and having seizures.

We have a number of wonderful angels in our lives, most of them are our adult children’s friends. Her ex-boyfriend has been through so much with her and she can trust him with some frightening issues, so she called him. Then, he (thank you, son), called us. When he got her to the hospital, two more angels went into action: our “other” son and his partner – paramedics. They called us, too. And then, the one angel I am most grateful for: the sweet wife of our “other” son, who works at the hospital, called.

Now, fed regulations protect private patient info so the hospital couldn’t tell me anything over the phone, but from the little info our friends gave us and the tone of their voices, we knew a parent had to go be with our girl. When you hear that one piece of info – “They’re sending her to the ICU.” – you jump in the car and drive.

Now, we got lucky in a few ways and unlucky in others. The bad part was her dad HAD to leave for South America the next day for work and would be gone for an unknown length of time. There was no money for a plane ticket and no way to get one at 9 pm, plus, no one to pick me up at the airport and no money for a rental car. We live in the middle of Texas (bum-f@ck Houston), daughter is in Arizona – it’s a 15 to 17 hour drive. And I suck at long drives…and dealing with authority figures like doctors…

But…I’m retired and could go to her. Our younger son is here with us, still getting all his papers together for his job, so he isn’t working yet, and we could do the drive together in a really good car. Hubby has a good friend who took the dogs, the cats were left with a huge bowl of food…and we all headed out to our assignments.

Once in Arizona, in the hospital, I learned more – they will tell a parent things in person, thank goodness, maybe, sorta…It is terrifying to hear your child (I don’t care if she’s an adult, she’s still my baby!) was “Code Yellow” – which is just a step below “critical.” Terrifying to learn she continued having seizures and stopped breathing at one point, terrifying to see her hooked up to a breathing tube and in a chemically-induced coma…looking like she’s 12 yrs old…and weighing under 100 pounds when she’s 5’6″ and should have at least 20 more pounds on her.

We can joke about it now (ah, morbid humor it’s the only thing that keeps us sane), but it took a four-point restraint and two burly staff to hold her down to keep tests done before they doped her. The boys related how the ER staff was talking about the 90 pound girl throwing all the men around the room. Our paramedic boys also told off the people who were speculating with disrespect regarding our girl’s behavior because she’s “our sister-friend.”

Ah, validation when the test results came back clean – no drugs or alcohol, but very low potassium level, electrolytes, nutrition values, etc. Perhaps a reaction to the antibiotic or previous pain meds? No one knew for sure, but she did, indeed, have a nasty raging infection in her body.

It took a few days before they allowed her to awaken. And, of course, we all wanted to know what had happened, what she could tell us. But her first words were “What the hell happened?” She doesn’t know, either. She took the proper doses of meds and went to bed, then woke up unable to control her body and fingers and frantically tried calling her friend.

We may never know what happened. I believe it was a combination of everything. I have seen a low potassium episode before – my mom was found wandering around her yard late one night in her pjs, yelling for my dad – who had been dead for six months. She was confused and didn’t know me or my brother (this was way before she slipped into dementia). She fought the paramedics, then flirted with them (75 yrs old and still feisty!). An infusion of potassium and voila! All better.

Our girl is also allergic to penicillin and some of its derivatives. It’s possible the antibiotic – one she had never taken before – is another one she is allergic to; she did have trouble breathing.

Then, there was the infection and the fact that she hadn’t been eating much for almost two months…

Well, I took care of her once they released her, feeding her, fussing over her, and left her with lots of proper food, juices, and a clean apartment (!). I’m back in Texas now, but I’m still gonna worry, that’s a given, that never ends.

Is the terror over? Can I lower the alert from red to green? Nope, never. Maybe yellow? No, I’m Mom – the terror alert remains at Orange, a constant gnawing bug I hide deep inside and try to ignore.

So please remember – if you have a friend who is a parent, no matter what age their child is, don’t ever call them late at night. Because before she/he sees who is calling, the Terror Alert jumps to Red: “My child is in trouble!”

Before I get into what may be a rambling, confusing blog for some, let me define a few things: I hate labels, but others find labels comforting. A label lets them pop me into a definite spot in their relations with me. So, I call myself an energy-worker or a spiritualist. Others call me a witch. No matter, it’s all good as far as I’m concerned, and none of it really fits.

I’m a catalyst. The definition of catalyst is: 1. a substance that causes or speeds a chemical reaction without itself being affected. 2. anything that precipitates an event.

I’m definition number two. An odd pattern became noticeable as I traveled the journey of energy-work. The first time I would do a spell, ritual, meditation, drum walk, etc. it would be great. I’d get wonderful results. If I tried it again, it would fail. Within a week or a month, I’d meet someone or someone in my energy circle (we called it a circle instead of a coven, since a few of my darlings didn’t want to be labeled witches) would ask about the particular working I’d just done. And, ping! – the light would go on. I’d pass the info along or do the working with my friend and there you go, they’d have it, it was learned. And working with me, made it easier for them.

Once the torch (so to speak) was passed, I could again do the working with positive results. Those were small changes, though, and fun. Learning, discovering, sharing, is always fun. To me, all energy work is fun, and when it benefited others; ah, that was the best!

I also learned a bit about quantum physics, quantum mechanics, and how quantum energy worked with metaphysics and regular energy-work. The definition of quantum is: 1. quantity or amount. 2. Physics. a very small, indivisible quantity of energy. 3. sudden and significant : a quantum increase in productivity.

I always knew I was highly empathic, able to feel or sense the emotions and pain of others. Maybe it became honed on its own because of my childhood – when you live with cross-addicted and abusive people, it helps to sense their mood immediately. Those few seconds of extra sensing would allow me to decide if I needed to run, hide, or silently obey. It was a useful gift, and also a curse. Sitting in the Emergency Room to pick up my mom after work was a confusing trip inside me – I could “feel” everyone’s aches and pains. The woman in labor on the chair opposite me – yep, I’d get cramps. The guy with the broken foot, indeed, my own foot would flare into an ache.

I had no mentor or teacher then, no idea how to control or shield, and, again, I think that household inadvertently trained me. It’s a fact that when people live or work together, they “mesh” to a degree. Female co-workers suddenly realize their menses have synchronized; if one person in a house is broadcasting high emotion, everyone else will begin to feel the same way. Humans are all empaths, in varying degrees. We can put ourselves in the other person’s shoes; empathy allows us to feel compassion and mercy toward others.

But the gift of metaphysical empathy, talented empathy, takes it to the quantum level. Meta-empaths go beyond just feeling the normal range from others. A meta-empath can reach through anyone’s natural mental and metaphysical shield to sense exactly what the other person is feeling or touch a person exactly where they are hurting. A trained meta-path can take that negative energy into her hand, without absorbing it into herself, and flick it away, making her subject feel better. She can manifest a sudden and significant change in her subject.

And yes, even so-called normal humans, untrained humans, have a natural shield. If you don’t want someone – even a trained psychic or meta-physician – scanning you, if you don’t want them in, sharing your energy or “reading your mind,” they can’t get in. Everyone is psychic in some way, and Nature gave us natural barriers against unwanted intrusion – probably to keep us from going crazy.

But if you want help, if you are broadcasting a need, a meta can help you and you will let them in. Again, we all do it, in small, untrained, ways. The lady who gives everyone, including strangers, hugs – yep, she’s sharing her happy or soothing or motherly energy with you. It’s a surface thing; it rarely goes deeper into your psyche, but, admit it, it does make you feel better.

Now take that small normal human touch and train it. Strengthen it, focus it. Now you’re sending quantum energy out, and in.

My younger untrained self needed a defense against all that and against the negative emotion in my childhood home, so my natural shield became stronger. Once I started studying, and especially when I found a mentor, I learned control and focus and how to assist others without invading their energy. I’m a diagnostic meta-path – I can sense something’s wrong inside you. I can touch you and find old injuries, dark spots, stopped energy. I won’t give a definite diagnosis; in fact, I just say, “Go to a doctor and get a check up.” I’m not a healer, even though my gentle surface tissue massage will make you feel better. All I do with that is help your body re-learn how to heal itself, unblock a minor flow, so your body can remember it can heal anything on its own. It’s not really a massage; it’s a stroking along your energy flow, boosting it a little, so you’ll feel better (and stop making my hands tingle!).

Now, throw the energy catalyst into that mix and, wham! When I’m “on,” I plunge right through shields, even a trained psychic’s shields. My spirit-brother described it this way, shortly after we met: “I have a very strong shield, no one gets in, but you just dove through it and found my soul. How?”

I was so embarrassed; it’s such a no-no to invade someone like that! I apologized and tried to explain. He assured me it was all right, saying, “It felt good. It was like a burst of Light.” Oh, geeze, more blushing on my part. Then he asked, “What is it like? What did you see?”

Now, I don’t “see” auras (aurae?); I leave that to my son. No, to me, everyone is energy, and, sometimes, I’ll see colors. So, I told him he had a lot of blue with some orange and red in his energy, that he had a “good” soul, a long soul (I said “old” back then, but Time is an Illusion, so old isn’t the proper definition – long fits better.).

A few days later, he asked me, “What did you do?”

Do? I hadn’t done anything, just peeked at his soul. Brad told me he felt lighter and his psychic sense was stronger. Curious, he let me check his energy. Sure enough, the catalyst gift had kicked in and his molecular vibrational frequency had gone up a couple of levels.

Yes, Magic and/or psychic work is a science (and so is prayer). It’s the science of manipulating energy with focused intent to bring about desired results. Just because our technology isn’t advanced enough to consistently measure and record it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Hey, no one believed in quantum physics until a few years ago!

We are all just energy in different densities and different forms. Our molecules vibrate at different frequencies, holding us together, shaping us, and the physical aspects of everything in the world. When a catalyst comes along (and they’re rare, so don’t expect your local psychic or medium to be able to do this), she can go in, mesh her energy with yours, and bring you up – increase your vibration – to another level. What does this do? Well, it increases your ability to use your psychic gifts, and it opens psychic gifts in some.

And, it can be used and exploited. I had a friend who was already a trained meta-physician. Unknown to me (and, yes, I’m too naive and trusting as an energy-worker), she was interested in power, controlling others, doing workings to benefit her at the cost of others (all of which I found out later, and only because my kids warned me – I’ve learned to listen and obey when my kids and pets don’t like someone – they are very good “readers” of people!). She insisted I “turn on” and raise her frequency very high in one session. I thought I was helping her, and I did, but it was wrong. She had found an easy way to level up, instead of doing the work herself. She was a psychic energy-vampire and almost sucked us both up to a level the human body needs decades to reach.

I knew it was wrong and brought us out of it. I felt awful, sick, dizzy, shaking. And the visions, woof, that level, that Dimension was not a good place for human energy to visit without an invitation. Now, that’s how I knew it was wrong. Energy-work, catalyst work, even channeling (yep, I’m a Voice Vessel, too, a medium, a channel, whatever, ‘cept I don’t get dead humans speaking through me, oh no, I get Higher Level Energy Entities…oh, joy.) – after any meta working, I usually feel upbeat, jazzed, energetic myself. Not this time. She had pulled me beyond where we should have gone without decades of frequency work. I wouldn’t touch her after that and made sure to control any catalyst urges around her, but I still hadn’t learned my lesson. I still hadn’t kicked her out of our circle.

Fortunately, the next time she tried something, a Great One stepped in. I was doing a Tarot Card reading for her. She wanted clarification, she wanted more. She looked me in the eye and demanded, “Channel my patron goddess. I command Isis to speak to me.” Oh no, no, no, human!

First of all, while I’m a mostly conscious channel, I have no control over Who comes through me to visit. Usually, it’s my sweet She-Who-Laughs (I suspect She is Bast, but She won’t give a Name. She said, “What need of a Name when One is Energy?”), and, usually, I need to take my two or three cleansing breaths to sink into alpha trance and let one of Them through.

Secondly, you do NOT command any of these higher level entities, great ones, gods, whatevers. Human arrogance; we have it in spades and it’s our downfall. No human is a high enough level to command or demand or manipulate these higher beings. We can pray, ask, hope, yes, but order Them about like lackies, um, no, not gonna happen.

So, one second I’m sitting there aghast at her order, the next second, I’m cowering down deep in my body as an enraged Great Female took over. I don’t remember exactly what She said to my ex-friend. I do remember She stood up, threw the Tarot Cards in the woman’s face and shouted something like, “You Dare?! This, none of this matters. YOU do not matter. Never again.” BOOM! Like a thunderclap of Power surging through me, my house, that ex-friend. My throat was sore for days. And that friend? She never called me or anyone in our circle again. We later found out her life and her psychic gifts went downhill from there.

Yep, Karma (or perhaps, Isis) is a bitch when you fuck with Her.

Whoa, okay, this ran much longer than I meant. I just wanted to answer a friend’s question about my personal energy-workings. I haven’t even touched on another friend’s question about my “group” soul. I’ll save that for later.

I hope you enjoyed these snippets, and aren’t too confused! Feel free to post questions and your own stories. Let’s Explore this Journey further! 🙂

I’ve been peeking in WordPress, browsing through blogs for awhile now. Reconnecting with a couple of high school friends and reading Melissa Crandall’s excellent blogs helped me settle in to finally try my hand at it.

Why so hesitant? Ah, humans. We fear Change. We fear losing control. We fear looking stupid. Pick one, pick anything, and you’ll find Fear. But I love to write and enough friends have read my stuff to enable me to step out of my comfort zone and try something new – a blog. If I had kept count of how many times someone said, “You should get published,” or “You should write a memoir,” I’d be rich. Thanks to the Internet, I believe I’ll give it a shot.

This first blog is a test; I am nowhere near as formal (or sane!) as this. I’ll learn as I go; maybe even figure out how to post pictures! To some, blogs are like vanity press – we get to talk about ourselves and you can’t stop us. To me, they are a wonderful way to reconnect, learn how others live, express thoughts and opinions, share stories – fact & fiction. I’m throttling Fear in the cargo hold and am taking over the controls. Shall we plunge in? Like the lady said, “Fasten your seatbelts, boys. We’re in for a bumpy ride!”