Spirituality

May 01, 2012

Yesterday, I stopped off at a Wendy's to ...er ... use the facilities. It was like entering the Bog of Eternal Stench. I was nearly bowled over by the smell of rancid grease and preservative-laden food. When I recovered a bit, I looked around and realized that none of the patrons were affected by it. It seemed perfectly normal to them. And once again, I realized that once you cleanse your palate and your body of this kind of trash, you become aware of just how awful it really is.

Several years ago, I did this great gig in Minnesota ... in February. They put us up in beautiful lofts right next door to the rehearsal space. It was sort of the Opera Dorm for grown-ups, and the cast had lots of fun doing potlucks in each other's flats. The last one was a sort of "clear out your fridge" party, and one of my friends brought Hot Pockets, cut up into bite-sized pieces. They smelled pretty good so I decided to try one ... and spit it out into the garbage. It didn't even taste like food to me. (At that point, I probably hadn't had any fast or processed food for about two years).

My point is, you really can re-educate your tastebuds to prefer whole and natural foods, and less sugar. I personally have never conquered the satanic trifecta that is fat-sugar-salt, but I need a lot less of it to be happy. This is on my mind because at last, after three months in Florida, working hard on regaining fitness and the mental strength to concentrate on diet, I feel ready to cautiously introduce some changes to my diet again. And it's party inspired by Mr. Hot Pockets.

Mr. Hot Pockets lives here in Miami, and I saw him the other day. Actually, I worked with him just last summer, and there'd be significant changes to his physique. My friend has a compact, muscular frame, the kind where a few pounds and a little toning one way or the other make a big difference. He has never been fat, but he used to weigh a little more, and now he's looking positively sleek. He's doing Primal, Paleo's slightly more relaxed cousin, and I've been intrigued by these for a while. I first heard about Paleo because of CrossFit (many CrossFit adherents are also into Paleo), and it led me on an exploration of these very low-carb diets that eschew grains (even whole grains!), legumes, and processed sugar. The good news? Fat --- good fat --- isn't the enemy any more. Here, eat the chicken skin. Have a whole avocado. Slather on some coconut oil. EAT BACON!

This is an oversimplification of course, and not a full view of the diet or the lifestyle in its many incarnations. I encourage you to check out some of the links above if you're interested, and they link to many other books and sites. Personally, I don't think I'm ready to go whole hog (you should forgive the pun) and start foraging, cooking organ meats, and fasting intermittantly, but giving up grains for at least a week? That I can do. I think. Yesterday was grain-free (I did have some legumes), so technically today is Day One. So far, so good.

I was late to kickboxing this morning, but I joined in with gusto and also did my TRX class. Tonight I plan to go back and do a stretch/burn class. Yesterday, it was zumba and a great 75 minute yoga class all to myself, since no one else showed up!

I was late to kickboxing because since Daniel's death, I have just been a little spacey, and yesterday was the funeral in France, so that was all that was on my mind. I drove around all day singing "Danny Boy" and had a little private ceremony of my own for him. My voice teacher sent me a link to my favorite movement from the Faure Requiem --- "In Paradisium", as ethereal and promising as you could wish for, and it made me remember an incident that happened almost ten years ago, when my own father died. I was performing my favorite work of all time, the Verdi Requiem. It's a challenging work with a lot of solos for the mezzo; the last of which requires high, delicate singing after an evening of heavy lifting. But it's the most beautiful thing in the whole work, in my opinion: the Lux Aeterna.

We were in a hall that had stadium seating. When we started the Lux Aeterna, I happened to glance up into the audience, and I saw my father. Not a guy who looked like my dad, not a ghost, but my dad, right there in the audience. The next time I looked he was gone, but I knew he was still there, and it was very comforting. Now here's the weird part: after the concert, one of the choristers came up to me. I did not know this woman, and as far as I know, she had no idea my dad had died just a few weeks earlier. She said to me, "While you were singing the Lux Aeterna, you were surrounded by angels. And I saw your dad standing there. He looked very happy."

This is a recording of that very performance. I have done other, better performances since then, but this one will always be special to me. I now offer it in tribute to Daniel.

June 22, 2008

Today was supposed to be a day to write more about my
process, the things I’ve found key to sustaining major longterm weight loss and
my steps to doing it; but instead I find myself pulled in another direction.

I subscribe to GoogleAlerts, a free service that will send
you emails with links to subjects you’ve indicated interest in. I use it mainly
to catch any reviews that might have gotten past me, but since the Times
article came out, something very cool has happened … the alerts contain
mentions of me that show up in other people’s blogs. This, of course, leads me
to visit those blogs, and “meet” all sorts of amazing people who otherwise
might never have crossed my path. And two
of the sites I’ve been led to contained wisdom that I really needed to hear,
right now.

The first is Magpie Girl, and how
does one describe her? She describes herself as an Urban Abbess. Her blog is
filled with musings on spirituality, wisdom, love, humor, creativity, excellent
advice and recipes … I really feel I was led there, because one of the first
things I found was this post about dreaming big. Magpie Girl credited a certain Jen with
sharing this with her, so naturally I had to click on the link, and that is
where I was bowled over by these words:

Can you dare to believe that it’s never too
late? That everything your heart desires is a seed waiting to blossom? A dream
determined to tell you the truth that will set your heart free?

Here’s the big confession: I’ve been struggling a bit since
my accident, and since hitting the big 100-pound milestone. I am by nature a
pretty sunny person, and tend to bounce back and make gourmet lemonade for the
whole neighborhood out of the lemons life sometimes pelts at me. But this time
it’s been a little harder than usual. Strangely, I am not straying from my food
plan (proof, perhaps, that my lifestyle changes really are working), I am still
losing weight, and very much enjoying my daily walks; but rather it’s hard to
move ahead with making and getting to work on alternative plans to the one I
had for the summer which was sideswiped by the wrist break. Furthermore, I keep
getting blindsided by weird little attacks of the blues, usually over very
silly things or things I can’t do anything about. It’s not unusual to have some depression after
a trauma; or to be a bit down after some big event has ended (singers know this
phenomenon well as the Post-Production Blues). It’s the intensity and seeming
lack of ability to move on that is So Not Me.

One of these blues which keeps reoccurring involves an
(apparently) very strong desire to be somewhere else; specifically at an
isolated lake house in the mountains Somewhere Not In Texas. Rather than fading over time, this longing is
growing stronger, and it clearly is one of my Mondo Beyondo dreams. Simply
acknowledging that makes me feel better (and less likely to console myself with
ice cream).

At other times in my life, I’ve noted that periods of
extreme restlessness usually signal a need for change. The past nine months
have been a great period of transition and transformation both physically and
mentally; and I suspect that more change is coming, not only in my body and
habits, but in my life in general. I don’t yet know what that change may be, so
I am simply trying to be open to it and alert to the possibilities.

In terms of my health and fitness journey, I strongly feel
that now is not the time to try to make another big push; not right away. What
this means in practical terms is that I am taking an hour and twenty minutes to
two hour nonstop walk every day; I’d like to add another, shorter walk in the early
morning, perhaps alternating with morning sets of squats and crunches. It means continuing to write and adhere to my
food plan (another confession: I’ve gotten a little lax on that in recent days,
making a few substitutions here and there or failing to actually write it down;
time to tighten the reins before that gets away from me entirely). Happily, it is so very hot here right now
that it is not at all tempting to eat much at any sitting. I’m very content
with a dinner of homemade yogurt topped with fresh organic berries and nuts, or
some cold edamame-black bean-corn salad.

It’s hard for me to
sit back. I’m the kind of person who usually has fourteen different plates in
the air, all spinning at once. It’s not
that I’m not doing a lot and don’t have plenty of work I could be doing, but I am doing less than I had planned.

But maybe this is what is meant to be at the moment. I’m
going to ride the wave for a while longer, and see where it takes me. It’s
summer, after all, and summer is a time to dream.