April 30, 2010

The time has come… while my posts have been infrequent… it’s time to get my ass in gear and do what I have to. I’ve even hot linked the titles of the movies (up to a point, I’ll update later in the summer) to their trailer on youtube. You’re welcome. Still my most viewed post every year… it’s time for:

The ReversiblePanda’s Guide to Summer Movies 2010

We will start the guide with the first REAL release of the summer… Iron Man 2:

(All dates subject to change)

MAY 7th

Iron Man 2 – Seriously… if this isn’t on your calendar… put it there now. Go ahead, I’ll wait. Got it? Good. The first one exceeded my expectations so greatly, it will be easy for this one to fall short. While the preliminary reviews aren’t exactly glowing, I feel most of them are comparing it to the first which is unfair because the first was damn near a perfect film. Take the original, subtract Hustle & Flow guy and put in Don Cheadle (a far superior actor), toss in Mickey Rourke and Sam Rockwell and garnish with Scarlett Johansson. I’ll be there in the packed theater at midnight.

Babies – A documentary. Think Planet Earth only without all the cool animals and far away vistas. Just babies. Okay, yeah, pretty cute and easy to market. Maybe I’ll add it to my netflix queue.

Casino Jack and the United States of Money – Another documentary. This one about Jack Abramoff. Remember that guy. Not as cute as a baby. If you need to see a documentary as palate cleanser after the pants raising awesomeness of Iron Man 2 I suggest the one above, not so much this one.

Mother and Child – Annette Bening, Naomi Watts, and Kerry Washington, A drama centered around three women: A 50-year-old woman, the daughter she gave up for adoption 35 years ago, and an African American woman looking to adopt a child of her own. Apparently the counter programming to Iron Man is baby fever.

Multiple Sarcasms – Timothy Hutton, and Mira Sorvino in a movie about a guy who writes a play. The title is pretty witty… and the poster looks like a cover of the New Yorker… and that’s probably about all you need to know to decide whether or not you’ll see this one.

Solitary Man – a former owner of a car dealership chain whose career and marriage were destroyed by his business and romantic indiscretions starring… Michael Douglas. Is it just me or has Michael Douglas turned into the low-rent version of Michael Douglas?

May 14th

Just Wright – Oh yes! Queen Latifah rom-com! With Common… as a basketball star!!! You know I am going to … avoid this like the plague.

Letters to Juliet – Is this the one where Amanda Seyfried is 9 kinds of naked and making out with Julianne Moore? No. I’ll pass.

Robin Hood– Now this is what I’m talking about. It’s like a sequel to Gladiator with arrows instead of swords. It’s my first Russell Crowe movie since 3:10 to Yuma that I’m rally geeked about. It’s not all Russell though… Cate Blanchett as Marion and Mark Strong who quite frankly might be the coolest bad guy in film to come along in a while. Screenplay by Brian Helgeland?!! Oh for fucks sake just buy my ticket now.

May 21st

MacGruber – Here’s where I tell you why you should give this movie a chance, seeing as how it’s based on a series of 1 minute long SNL sketches. Two words: Val Kilmer. Why should that convince you? Because he plays a villain named Dieter Von Cunth. If that in conjunction with Will Forte doesn’t get you excited… you and I probably don’t hang out much.

Shrek Forever After – Plus = Jon Hamm and Jane Lynch join the cast. Minus = everything else. It’ll probably be fine… have a couple of drinks and watch it at home on DVD.

May 27th

Nothing comes out today. Oh… Sex and the City 2… but I refuse to give it so much as a bullet point.

May 28th

Agora– A historical drama set in Roman Egypt, concerning a slave who turns to the rising tide of Christianity in the hopes of pursuing freedom while also falling in love with his master, the famous female philosophy professor and atheist Hypatia of Alexandria. Meh. Wait… Rachel Weisz is playing Hypatia. I’m in. I would watch her read a phonebook. Hell! I would watch her take a shit. Okay… maybe not that… but I’ll totally watch her in a toga. Tunic. Whatever.

Micmacs – I know nothing about this movie other than it’s a fantasy comedy about a guy with a bullet in his brain who takes down an arms manufacturer… but… it’s directed by Jean-Pierre Jeunet. This is the guy who directed Delicatessen, Alien:Resurrection and City of Lost Children which is easily my favorite foreign film. Regardless of anything else, the visuals should be stunning.

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time– Speaking of visuals… no I’m not talking about Jake Gyllenhablegabblehalls abs. I’m talking about the whirling sand, the parkour stunts, all of the Mummy-esque special effects. I do have higher expectations than you would expect for this one though… it may look all summer blockbuster sugar with no nourishment but it’s directed by the same guy that directed Donnie Brasco… so fingers crossed.

Survival of the Dead – How can the “dead,” “survive?” That just doesn’t make sense. But then, George Romero’s been slipping lately. Much respect to him for being the ‘creator’ of the zombie genre, but his last one… yikes… the zombies weren’t half as scary as the production values… zing!

June 4th

Get Him to the Greek – I still have no idea if this is supposed to be a sequel or a “companion piece” to Forgetting Sarah Marshall. It’s got Russell Brand as a rock star and Jonah Hill as a fat guy. Are they the same rock star and fat guy from the other movie? Who knows. But it’ll probably have some funny bits.

Killers – True Lies. Except with Ashton Kutcher as the super-spy who didn’t tell his wife that he was a super-spy.

Marmaduke – Damn you Emma Stone… your hotness is being wasted. George Lopez in another movie about a dog. Sure it’s a famous dog, and sure my girlfriend will probably make me go see it, but I won’t enjoy anything about it except Emma.

Ondine – The original mythology behind Ondine is an immortal water nymph who have no soul unless a man impregnates them and they bear a child. Sort of like the little mermaid crossed with a succubus. It looks pretty classy and Colin Ferrell has impressed me lately, this might be a nice summer palette cleanser in between explosiongasm movies.

Splice – Doctors in love splicing DNA. Splice Dr.Moreau and Altered States and have Sarah Polley and Adrien Brody create huffalumps… I give you Splice.

June 11th

The A-Team – The first high profile retread of this week. The trailer looks like it will be full of preposterous action sequences. Shooting from a tank that’s been dropped from a plane… really? That has never stopped me before. I will go. If just to watch Rampage Jackson crush things.

The Karate Kid – God damn it!!! Leave my childhood alone. Will Smith’s spawn in the Ralph Macchio role and Jackie Chan filling Pat Morita’s sandals… just stop. Hopefully this will get decimated by the A-Team, but it probably won’t. It’s family friendly and gen-x’ers like myself will bring their kids in droves… might I suggest you stay home and rent the original. Damnitall!!!

Winter’s Bone – I know absolutely nothing about this film except that it will make approximately 29 dollars on its opening weekend. Ok, it won Sundance… which means it’s good… but… the only reason you open a film with no stars on a day with two potential blockbusters in the summer is to fulfill a contractual obligation. Good luck finding this one at the theaters.

June 18th

I Am Love – Tilda Swinton is good in everything she does. Here I’m sure is no exception. I also have never seen a movie starring Tilda Swinton on the big screen, only on cable, long after it has left the theater. This I’m sure is no exception.

Jonah Hex – For the uninitiated, Jonah Hex is based on a comic about a disfigured gunslinger bounty hunter who wears a confederate army uniform. If it stays as bloody as the comic it’ll be worth it. Brolin’s make-up looks great so it’s a good sign. Megan Fox is the hottie of the film and I don’t think I’m the only one who’s over her completely… I’m not thrilled about her, but she will admittedly look good in a corset… better to do that here than in a period drama.

Let It Rain – Original title: Parlez-moi de la pluie. Sorry… not seeing a French film in the middle of June… I just won’t do it.

Toy Story 3 – Silly Andy, going off to college and donating your toys to a day care… I hope you realize that you still want to live at home as a man child and leave college to come back and rescue your toys from the day care… oh … is that what happens? Did I ruin the movie for you? Sorry.

June 25th

Dogtooth – I don’t know what this movie is, or where it’s from. You’ve got 3 teenagers living in a isolated estate (is it even on earth??) who create a new language and then discover sex which inevitably tears them apart. So… I’ll call this one… The Others in the Blue Lagoon.

Grown Ups – A cast of comedy all-stars!! Well… Adam Sandler and some friends. Old friends from SNL wanted to make a movie, so they did, unfortunately with Chris Farley no longer around, Kevin James fills the fat guy pants.

Knight & Day – I can buy Cameron Diaz as a single woman who has trouble with men… but Tom Cruise as a secret agent?? Come to think of it, this is pretty well worn territory for both of them.

June 30th

Twilight: Eclipse – Some movie about werewolves and vampires, I’m not familiar with it by choice.

June (undetermined)

Love Ranch– Though it hasn’t chosen a release date yet… I felt the need to include this Taylor Hackford film because it stars his wife, Helen (too old to be that sexy) Mirren, and Joe (where the fuck have I been) Pesci. It’s based on the real-life story of Joe and Sally Conforte, who in 1971 opened Mustang Ranch, the first legalized house of prostitution in Nevada. I’m at least adding this to my netflix. Despite the fact that with an Academy Award-worthy director and actors, it’s getting released in the summer.

July 2nd

The Last Airbender – Formerly known as Avatar: The Last Airbender, M. Night Shamalamadingdong says this is his best film. Now I love me some 6th Sense, and upon re-watching Unbreakable is pretty good. As far as his other films, god I hope he’s right. It bodes well that this is the July 4th weekend movie… everything else stepped away.

July 7th

The Kids Are All Right – Two teenagers seek out their biological father (Mark Ruffalo), the kids bring him back into the fold with their mothers (Annette Bening, and Julianne Moore) and hilarity ensues. So says the press release… I’m guessing it’s less “hilarity,” and more, “dry, Sideways, snicker in your seat next to the octagenarian,” funny.

July 9th

Cyrus – Mmmmmarisa Tomei. Being that she shot a video for my website and all… I feel an obligation to say: Movie of the summer!!! Go see it! Obligation aside… it’ll probably be cute and funny. I like John C. Reilly and Jonah Hill doesn’t do anything for me in either direction so… I’ll give it a shot.

Despicable Me – Crazy bad guy plots to steal the moon. Animated feature from universal. Looks cute. It seems to me that it’s rare when a sharp looking well-produced CGI film from a major studio turns out badly. They work on the damn thing for 7 years, so there’s time to iron out kinks. I’ll end this by just listing the voice cast: Steve Carell, Jason Segel, Kristen Wiig, Will Arnett, Danny McBride, Russell Brand, Jemaine Clement, Jack McBrayer, Julie Andrews, Miranda Cosgrove, Mindy Kaling.

Predators – What??!! Two Adrien Brody movies in one summer?!? I’m going to go out on a limb and say that this one will probably not be as good, but will be more enjoyable… I know that makes no sense… but I rarely do.

Winnebago Man – A documentary about a guy who became “famous,” for cursing in a winnebago commercial that spread around the internet. I would sooner see a documentary about Numa Numa kid.

July 16th

Inception – The guy that directed Dark Knight got together Leonardo DiCaprio, Marion Cotillard, and Ken Watanabe among others to make… um… a movie. Honestly I have no idea what this movie is going to be about, but it looks REALLY cool and will probably be really fucking good. But I’ve been wrong before.

The Sorcerer’s Apprentice – Re-cast the sorcerer bit from Disney’s Fantasia with real people… who’d you come up with? Yeah, I didn’t pick those two either… My worry is Nic Cage. He’s good in one movie every 5-8 years. He was good in Kick-Ass… the odds are not with him for this.

July 23rd

Dinner for Schmucks –Steve Carell and Paul Rudd together again in a re-make of a really dark French film. They lightened it up a bit and threw in Galifinakis. Which means… I’m totally in.

Ramona and Beezus – Finally a Beverly Cleary movie! I was partial to Judy Blume. I literally could not care less about this film. It’s got some Disney tween star and Tom Brady’s ex. That’s all I’m giving you on this one.

Salt – Angelina Jolie playing a role that was written for Tom Cruise, I’m amazed that this hasn’t happened sooner. There was a rumor going around that Tom was offered the lead in Tomb Raider but that’s neither here nor there.

July 30th

The Adjustment Bureau– I’m glad they made another Bourne film, but I hope it’s not like Green Zone, what? That wasn’t a Bourne movie? What? Neither is this? Coulda fooled me. This one is supposed to be based on a Philip K Dick story, I worship the ground he walks on, but this looks to be a loosely based situation, and Dick can go wrong… see Paycheck?

Beastly – I think this is a retelling of Beauty and the Beast… but I have no idea. I just know that Mary-Kate Olsen is in it… so it might just be a documentary about that cow. Mary-Kate if you’re reading this, put down the fork!

Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore – Remember a few lines up I said, “Dick can go wrong,” it was funny because it was in reference to sci-fi writer Philip K Dick, not about male genitalia. Remember that Bond movie character named Pussy Galore? Now…. remember that kids movie that made a reference to it? It’s this one. I’m not talking about it.

The Dry Land – Soldier returns from Iraq…. blah blah blah… trouble adjusting… blah blah blah… abondons the woman he left behind… blah blah blah… redemption. Now you don’t have to see it.

Get Low – Robert Duvall as a guy who plans his own funeral when he was still alive so he could enjoy it. Bill Murray’s addition makes is this almost irresistible, Tim McGraw is a bit of a curveball… add it to your netflix… go to the beach, summer is no time for a movie of this caliber.

July (undetermined)

Hairspray 2 – I didn’t see the first one and if you strapped me to an Clockwork Orange contraption and forced me to watch this one I would concentrate on making my eyes explode.

Mao’s Last Dancer – At the age of 11, Li Cunxin was plucked from a poor Chinese village by Madame Mao’s cultural delegates and taken to Beijing to study ballet. In 1979, during a cultural exchange to Texas, he fell in love with an American woman. Top billing: Bruce Greenwood and Kyle Mac-Lachlan. In that plot breakdown… you tell me who the fuck they play.

Middle Men – Yet another, “based on a true story,” movie this summer… this one focuses on the 2 guys who basically invent internet porn. While I’ve never in my life been to a pornographic website (shhhh… my mother my be reading this), this movie looks like it might be really good.

The Other Guys – For every Bruce Willis and Reginald Vel Johnson, for every Mel GIbson and Danny Glover, for every Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker… there are two guys at a desk… those two guys apparently are Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg. I’ll go … one problem… Marky Mark told EW he’s very happy to be doing a comedy, he’s had bit parts in them, but he’s never starred in one. Anyone else remember The Big Hit? Didn’t he star in that? What was that? A period drama?

Step Up 3D – If you live in NY, please don’t go so see this movie. Because if you do, you might see me there, because I will be there. I’m just not ready to face up to it yet.

August 13th

Eat, Pray, Love – When the plot synopsis includes the words, “married woman,” and “journey of self-discovery,” and it stars Julia Roberts. I’ll be in the theatre … next door… seeing:

The Expendables – To quote the guy outside the movie theatre in Queens after seeing the trailer, “dis movie has got like every actor in it ever.” I don’t know that it’s every actor ever, nor do I know if you can technically call everyone in this movie, an “actor.” In case you haven’t heard, 2 cameos from Bruce Willis, and the Governator, you’ve got Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Mickey Rourke, Randy Couture, Dolph Lungdren, Steve Austin, Charisma Carpenter, Brittany Murphy, Terry Crews, and Eric Roberts. See you there.

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World –Michael Cera being his usual awkward self, having to turn action hero to defeat his new girlfriends exes. I want to see this for a myriad of reasons. I want to see this while not wearing pants for 3 reasons, Mary Elizabeth Winstead (in a different cotton candy colored wig in every scene), Alison Pill, and Anna Kendrick.

August 20th

The Lottery Ticket – Bow Wow, and Ice Cube star in a … you know what… not doing this. See the title? That’s what it’s about. See the stars? There will also be some barking and a glass of lemonade sweaty with condensation

Nanny McPhee 2 – the first one was really cute. I’m just sayin’.

The Switch – Ordinarily I would avoid a Jen Aniston rom-com, but I would watch Jason Bateman read a phonebook. I may be all movied out by this point in the summer but I may still catch this one.

Takers – A crew doing high tech heists is pursued by a cop. One of the stars likened it to Heat. Wishful thinking I would say. I’ll wait to see what the buzz is (tell me whats a happenin) when we get closer.

August 27th (ma birfday)

Centurion – Roman soldiers in Scotland… another stoner road comedy… just kidding… more swords and sweaty men… haven’t seen the trailer yet… but I do plan on catching up on Spartacus the series this summer… may put me in the mood.

Going the Distance – Drew Barrymore tarnishes the family name with yet another romantic comedy. This one with her on again off again real life boyfriend Justin Long. Jason Sudeikis is in it though, and if I hear he’s in more than 20 minutes of the movie, maybe I’ll rent it.

Piranha 3-D – Happy Birthday to me.

This concludes the summer movie round up. I hope I’ve been helpful. Feel free to let me know that I’m wrong or more likely very, very right about regarding this textual vomit about any of these movies. Until next time… see you at the overpriced multi-plex.