me showering you with my love

NOW THIS IS TRUE SELF-LOVE!

I hit this groundbreaking moment a few weeks ago on my walk to class, realizing that I, like most people, view myself under microscopic scrutiny. And this isn’t any news as we all know that we judge ourselves more than anyone else would (and if others judge you more than you do yourself, then they’re just bored), but I didn’t realize to what extent I judged myself.

With my personal judgement, I grew this ridiculous idea that people were constantly thinking the same mean thoughts that I was having about myself when in reality, no one gives a shit about anyone but themselves. I mean, look at me! When I’m going about my daily endeavors, I’m wholly consumed by my thoughts and thus, what others might think of me.

I realize that we often roam the earth consumed by our thoughts that include what others might think of us, but really, what we think others might think of us are actually things that we think of ourselves. We never know what another individual is truly thinking or feeling, so when we think that someone is judging us or thinking about what we’re doing, that’s merely birthed out of our own thoughts.

I’m not a believer in new year’s resolutions as I think they always end in disappointment, but I do think it’s important to find new channels for self-improvement, especially with a new year, a time to wipe the slate clean. While there are LOTS of things I need to improve myself on as I am no immaculate being like anyone else, I’m honing in on solely existing as I am without any precautions regarding external opinions. And this isn’t going to be achieved by simply ignoring others criticism and judgements, but by focusing on my personal thoughts.

It’s not going to be any easy feat, but I’m really trying to nix any negative thoughts about myself that I know to be false. I grew up in a very one-dimensional school where I constantly felt like an outcast, and that experience made me insecure as I felt like there was something innately wrong with me. Like I was “too apathetic,” “too blunt,” “too ‘edgy,’” or whatever. But when I basically restarted my life in a totally different, more “me” environment, I realized that, in fact, I am none of these things. It was my inner voice based off of my lonely experiences that made me feel like something was wrong with me, and in turn I had superimposed my thoughts on other people assuming that they thought the same things of me that I had thought months prior.

I bet everyone has at least one similar experience in which they felt like they weren’t good enough, a dangerous dangerous thought born out of our personal thoughts. What others think of us are actually none of our business, as they don’t even have anything to do with us, rather themselves. What is our business, however, is how we mentally and emotionally treat ourselves. And so, regardless of who you are or your security, I think we all could use a little self-love, and I’m not talking about a stupid face mask, but the way we talk to ourselves. In the end, we only have one person who is going to look out for us, and that person is yourself so we might as well take care of it and cultivate a strong relationship with ourselves.