November 21, 2005

On Passing On

I know I’ve been a little quiet the past couple of weeks. My grandfather passed away just over a week ago. I don’t write this for shock or sympathy, but because first and foremost, this site is for me. It would be a shame for me to not accurately record important parts of my life, even the most painful ones. I only write it now because my thoughts have pooled up a bit, and I can think a bit.

It’s an odd feeling when someone that close to you goes. Whether you stay at home and cry all day, walk around town, or even go back to work, you never feel like you are doing the right thing. You are constantly hit with feelings of inadequacy and doubt. Death is an odd thing. You can sit around and in your head imagine a world where a loved one doesn’t exist, but most times it doesn’t really hurt you. It isn’t until you witness its reality, and are among others confirming your worst fears, that it sinks in. The pain that follows is nearly as odd as the death itself. It hurts so badly to lose someone, no matter their age, but at the same time I found myself not wanting the pain to end because I felt like it was all I had left of him I could hold on to.

I’m not here to eulogize my grandfather to the internet, but only to remind myself over and over again and to hold on to my precious memories of him. My grandfather was an amazing man, and one of the most selfless and kind people I have ever known. I miss him dearly every day.

So, if I haven’t gotten to your emails, it’s likely I’m not ignoring you. Between work, the lead up to the wedding, the actual wedding day, the honeymoon adventure, and now my grandfather’s death, my life doesn’t seem to want to slow down. It’s been a roller coaster of a year so far, and here come the holidays.