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okay. . .

Husband came home from his trip, with nary a scratch on his armor. We had a great family weekend out of town. I noticed all of the gay guys. Why are they all so attractive? Why am I attracted to them? Being in a big city is much different from our small town. More Out. More to covet. More to long for. As we passed a cute young couple holding hands, husband turned around to look at me. Not sure why, but he did, and it hurt. Not sure why it hurt. Everything hurts these days.

Been working on forging that new path, and it is helping. I now need to find a filter so I’ll stop asking questions about stuff I don’t want to know the answers to.

I am so filled with love and adoration for him. I can’t believe that someone that amazing would want to be with me. He brings so much to the table, and the sicko in me actually feels bad that he isn’t able to share it with someone else. Actually, nobody could appreciate him the way I do. Someone could appreciate him, yes, but not like I do. (she says smugly)

I have been trying to bring up some old good memories. It is disappointingly difficult, but I attribute that to the fact that we have been so focused on yuck and pain that they are buried. They’re there, and I hope that one memory will bring up another and so on. . .