Archive for August, 2010

You’re a regular person, of average intelligence. You’ve got a good head on your shoulders and a pretty strong grasp on common sense. Yet despite this you still do some crazy shit, all because once in a while your brain takes a brief vacation.

Maybe, like your computer, your CPU usage gets strapped and some functions, like everyday smarts, get sluggish or get locked up.

I’m talking about the kind of thing where: you’ll be getting out of your car, and as you start to shut your door you think to yourself: “I’ve left the keys in the ignition!” You’ve recognized that you’ve done it, yet you cannot stop yourself from shutting the door anyway. The synapses gets jammed and you can’t handle the situation. In slow-motion the door is swinging shut and the entire time (1 second) you are thinking: “The keys are in the ignition and I am about to lock myself out….oh no!”.

And then the door slams and you think to yourself: “What an idiot! I knew what I was doing, too! Jeeeeeeez!”

I know. I do that kind of thing too.

And then sometimes, your brain does even crazier shit, where you don’t even see it coming. You’ll look at the burner on the stove and wonder “Is that hot?” and then put your hand on it to check. You get a bad burn and you’re left going: “WHAT?!”

I know. I do that kind of thing too.

As you know, I run the Movie Theatre Place. From time to time, I will keep watch over the entrance while the usher is cleaning theatres or whatnot. Basically, you just stand there and rip people’s tickets and say “hi” and make sure no one sneaks in. The Company wants you to say the Company name in your greetings to the customers, so that the Company name gets stuck in their heads…a way of “branding”. They want us to say: “Welcome to Movie Theatre Place!” to every person, which I don’t go for because it comes off as phony, and sounds robotic and stupid when you have a line of people filing in and you’re there going: “Welcome to Movie Theatre Place!…Welcome to Movie Theatre Place!…Welcome to Movie Theatre Place!…” over and over like a parrot in a tie.

So I encourage the ushers to be like me and just offer a genuine greeting, like a normal person. I usually use one of three phrases as a greeting:

– “Hi, how are you tonight?”

-“Hey guys, how are you?”

-“Hello!”

So the other day, I am ripping tickets when an Asian couple come up to me. I take their tickets and say:

“Herro!”

I’m not kidding.

Maybe these kinds of things happen as a way to keep you in check from thinking you’re so fucking great. Because I didn’t feel too fucking great when I said that. I felt like a big fucking idiot asshole.