I am experimenting with eliminating white sugar and flour in 2011 to develop a closer relationship with my Higher Power, whom I choose to call "God," as well as to improve the pain level in my body. My goal is to replace my sugar/flour addiction with more frequent conscious contact with God so that I can better discern His will for me!

Hi all. I had a kind of crappy food day yesterday and today, although I stayed within my Weight Watchers points for each day. I've lost a total of 7.8 pounds so far (3 of those last week!), but I think my "little" habit of allowing myself to binge just a wee bit on Fridays has got me craving sugar again. I haven't given in to it since last week, but it's made my daily eating a bit sloppy. Plus I purposely slept in this morning, and guess what happened? I had the same kind of craptastic eating day that I usually have when I sleep late! D'uh. If nothing changes, nothing changes. Every time I make the same mistake, I get smarter, so I'm trusting the renewed commitment to my body that God has awakened in me and trusting my process. Sometimes I have to revisit where I've been to know that I don't like it there anymore :-) At the very least I've kicked my thrice weekly (sometimes more) up a notch: I calculated my target rate and am checking my pulse between laps to make sure I'm swimming at an aerobic rate. I've nerve done that before!

I've also dialogued with my pastor about my two program ideas for church (recovery Bible study and an Al-Anon meeting) and am starting to make lists of good group co-leaders and such. I also wrapped up my invoicing for the month and paid my bills. I like it when all of my ducks are lined up nice and neat!

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Funny how my moods, and therefore my eating, can change on the proverbial dime (or quarter with inflation). I purposely didn't track yesterday and allowed myself a wee binge on mini marshmallows, which I finished this afternoon. No particular consequence of doing so: I slept well and woke up feeling refreshed before the alarm went off. So far, so good. Had a good (and final) diabetes education class that I didn't expect to be good, but it was (so there!). I tested my blood sugar myself for the very first time and got a reading of 101; exercised in my wheelchair (upper body only) for 10 minutes (per the class experiment; the rest of the people walked); waited 15 minutes; retested again and got a reading of 90! The teacher was telling us how the act of exercising itself can lower blood glucose. I like "show-and-tell" experiments like that. Part of me must be from Missouri (the "show-me" state), LOL.

Hoever, everything is fine in the summer as long as I'm in an air-conditioned room (e.g., my diabetes classroom). I abhor heat combined with humidity such that I want to go up on a roof and snipe at random people (if I could climb that is). I had every intention of being on my Weight Watchers plan today (especially after my little binge yesterday), but our air-conditioning system at home is on the fritz; it's super hot and melty in the house; and my roommate and I have turned into crab cake snipers. And now my eating plan is going to the dogs because I'm stressed, which is something we learned about in class today. We also learned about things we could do to calm stress, but it's hard to think of any of them working in the context of extreme stickiness: not reading, not taking a bath, and particularly not gardening or petting my cat! Now I have to try to reconstruct my food from today so I can post it tomorrow.

So, in saunters the Serenity Prayer, the distraction of blogging, and the brand-new 15-oz. bottle of Johnson's Baby Powder I bought before I came home. Between these three things (and perhaps some extra sleeping meds), I should be able to get through the night).

Woot! A perfect Weight Watcher day: Yesterday I was within my point range and filled all of my macronutrient categories :-) It feels good to be "on the wagon," but it feels good to fall off, too. They've said at WW meetings that the most fattening thing is guilt, i.e., I slip and then say to myself, "F**k it; I might as well let the whole day go to pot and eat all I want." In Al-Anon they say that you can start your day over anytime. I would love to be able to get to the point where I could enjoy a food slip, especially a planned one, without beating myself up for it. I don't whip myself too badly, but I still don't really dig in my heels and enjoy it. However, my weekly binge seems to have become a whole bag of mini marshmallows. They don't do a lot of damage point-wise, and I love their pillowy texture and soft sweetness on my tongue :-) OK, enough of that. I don't let myself eat them until the weekend, so there's no sense in torturing myself.

On another note, I think it's time to inventory my progress, both food-wise and spiritually, since I'm about at the halfway mark from starting my experiment:

1. I never thought I'd get this far, and I don't think anyone ever reads my blog (they just land on it by accident and then leave), but it's been a good self-disciplining experience for me to write it anyway. So, blogging in itself has produced growth in me.

2. I finally decided to ask for help with my compulsive eating in the form of joining Weight Watchers, and I've lost 4.6 pounds as of 3 weeks ago. For the first time in a long while, I feel like I am in control of my eating. I feel nourished and safe, and I'm trimming some weight while I do it. Even if I had just been on a maintenance plan, it would have been worth it to join just for the safe-feeling factor. I've been swimming/doing PT exercises 4 to 5 days out of the week. I tried reflexology to help the pain in my foot, which it has (but not completely). I feel that my moods are more even now that I'm controlling my sugar intake better. And I've been attending diabetes classes on the advice of my doctor (I'm pre-diabetic). So in general, I'm taking way better care of my whole-body health, not just the parts that are in pain :-) I'm getting better at the Biblical body-as-temple thing.

3. True, I haven't blogged every day as I thought I would in the beginning, but I have posted 75 times in approximately 6 months (average 12.5 posts/month), and I've had 1137 hits during the same time period, which averages out to 189.5 hits/day! Not bad for an introvert, huh? However, I still wish I had more followers (I'm looking at you, random reader).

4. After attending Bible study about three quarters of the year so far, I have started my personal inductive Bible study. I made the decision to tithe this year and have followed through on that. I re-started practicing transcendental meditation, which is a good discipline for clearing myself so I can hear God's will for my life. I did a two-part workshop for the youth at church that was well-received. I'm planting seeds for starting a recovery Bible study as well as an Al-Anon group at my church. I've been a deacon since the beginning of the year, and I've volunteered to help rewrite and refocus the church's mission statement. I'm getting messages from my Higher Power to possibly write a Bible-based recovery daily reader. All in all, I feel more open to and on track with God since I started the year. I know that's super-subjective, but my whole inner experience is subjective, and my basic thought is that I'm producing good fruit, so I must be better connected with God (as I had postulated earlier)!

Well, I'm super-psyched because I offered to guest beauty blog a couple of days ago, and several people have already taken me up on it! I think I told you before that cosmetic buying/collecting, testing, and reviewing is my hobby (mostly on Makeup Alley and Viewpoints). I've also wanted to try my hand at beauty blogging without committing to having a beauty blog myself (it's actually a lot of work), and it just sort of fell right in my lap, so I'm considering it a green light from my Higher Power to go ahead. It's odd that I have no interest in formulating or selling cosmetics, or applying them to someone else (makeup artist), given my penchant for the other actions, but that's how it is. I started doing my thing with main-line cosmetics but have been totally won over by indie companies, starting with Aromaleigh (now closed unfortunately). I'll be sure to post links to my reviews her for my makeup-loving readers and to prove that I do other things besides ruminate on God and the Bible, tell you about my inner spiritual life and growth and track my food, LOL!

On the spiritual side, I'm going to leave you with AA's Third Step prayer for turning myself (yourself) over (tweaked a little bit to make it more powerful to me). I say it when I wake up, and I say it over and over again while I'm swimming laps at the YMCA:

"Lord, I offer myself to you today to do with me and build with me as you like. Relieve me of the burden of self that I might better do your will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them might bear witness to others of your power, your love, and your way of life. May I do your will always."

Saturday, June 18, 2011

. . . my weight-loss figure. Apparently I got confused as to how Weight Watchers records weight loss and I was mistakenly adding together what were cumulative weight-loss totals. I thought they were the figures for the individual week . . . so . . .

I'VE LOST 4.6 POUNDS IN 3 WEEKS!

Still nothing to sneeze at. It averages out to about 1.5 pounds per week, which is around the weight-loss goal generally suggested as being healthy :-) I'm down with that (although the previous figure is certainly more exciting).

I'm sorry I've been gone so long, and I'm glad to be back and making myself accountable again. I will say that during my week off I have been tracking every day as well as swimming two to three times per week. I'm aiming for at least 4 or 5 times a week, but the latter goal may be stretching it.

However, I have been missing my God time and my meditation times for the past few days. I can't even recall how I got off track, but it may just have been keeping up with my personal page-editing quota. When I add in new stuff to my schedule, such as meditation twice per day, swimming more often, and so on, my schedule can get a little haywire until I get used to the new routine. Oh, now I know what threw me off: swimming first thing in the morning more often. It's a YMCA scheduling thing: They have designated lap-swim times during the day, the best of which for me is first thing in the morning (or I don't do it). But it's the same thing for me with God time and meditating. If I don't do those two things first thing in the morning, too, I'm pretty much screwed. It's hard for me to get back in bed (where I have my God time and meditate) once I've started my day. Maybe if I got myself a nice cozy chair for my room, it would be easier (although my bedroom would certainly be more crowded).

Well, despite all the distractions, I got my nerve up to start talking to some people about doing the things I feel that God is calling me to do (I've been putting it off for a long time). My pastor is coming over for lunch on Tuesday so I can talk to him about starting a 12-Step Bible study that would be open to the community as well as an Al-Anon meeting (is it crazy that I'm making iced tea and cornbread for a Southern man?). And I approached a man at church last Sunday about talking with him to locate another church member to co-facilitate the recovery Bible study (I'm kind of hoping he'll be the other person). Often when I start talking about doing something, it usually begins to crystallize in action form. So, I just had to grow the "cojones" to start asking people questions and let them know what is brewing on my "back burner."

How about you? What have you been up to during the week I was incognito?

Back to my weight loss . . . I'm really psyched that I gave the Weight Watcher's plan another chance. Apparently, they switched form the sucky 18-point plan right after last Thanksgiving, so that was really good timing for me. If I had been faced with that old plan, I would have left right then and there. I've been pretty surprised at ow easy it's been so far, probably because I have a good 40+ pounds to take off. I do, however, expect to reach the difficult "plateau" that everyone speaks about at some point, but I'll deal with that when it happens. And I think I won't get too flabby (lack of tone) because I'm striving to swim daily or at least 4 to 5 times per week, which is a good overall body-toning exercise. God, I'd crap myself if I made it back to the 120s, but I think that would be taking it too far given my age (50 years old).

What's been exceptionally interesting to me is feeling the urge to eat compulsively even though I know I'm full because I had a good meal or snack. Usually I don't usually stop eating long enough to notice those "spaces" in between meals or snacks. I gave in to the Chew once, with a half bag of mini marshmallows, and I really "saw" for the first time how having snacky stuff in the house literally calls me to eat it. It is truly a compulsion. I'm grateful to God for having these experiences of awareness and losing weight I haven't been able to get off for 20 some-odd years.

On another note, with one exception I have been sticking to the twice-daily TM practice. It is onerous at times, i.e., I don't want to sit and be quiet, but I've been taught not to judge the experience, just d it and move on. It's cool how I still know my mantra after all these years, waiting patiently inside me for me to come back to it, which is after all the essence of TM: My mind wanders, and I bring it gently back to the mantra whenever I find that happening.

I found, right after the day I resume TM, that I was waking up especially groggy in the morning, sometimes not being able to wake up at all. I think TM practice is releasing all kinds of stress and tension in me and really relaxing me. So, I cut back a little bit on one of my sleep medications and WHAM! The next morning I felt alert and awake right before my alarm went off. Of course I'll continue it to see if there's really cause-and-effect relationship, but wouldn't it be super-cool if I could TM myself out of insomnia? Something to think about . . .

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

I don't know what's going on, folks, but I'm absolutely fried at the end of the day, which is when I usually write my blog posts. I resumed my transcendental meditation practice 2 days ago after a long hiatus of about 10 years, and that's the length of time I've been exhausted, so that's the only connection I can make right now. It must be relaxing me big-time because I can hardly drag my skinny little white-girl's butt out of bed to go swimming first thing in the morning (although I have been). So, no bloggy-blog today, but I will share that I LOST 3.3 POUNDS in my first week on Weight Watchers! Next weigh-in is tomorrow night. And I get my first home glucose-monitoring meter at diabetes class on Saturday. Can't wait to see the quantitative effect of sugar on my body . . . that should break my sometimes-denial pretty quickly! Until tomorrow . . . dorm bien :-)

Wowser and dang! Taking on that work from a colleague was something I really wanted to do, but it was rough going for most of the weekend. I had to abandon blogging, cooking Saturday night dinner, and ditch church to get it all done by tonight, but I managed to do it. Yay! I wanted to do it because it involved editing chapters of a book about the connection between religiousness/spirituality and health, a topic that I would like to edit more frequently, but I have no experience in that particular field. I would like to get out the "medical editing" pigeonhole somewhat, but I think it'll be hard to do without having something on my resume. I've written on Al-Anon recovery, but that's not the same thing as editing a meta-analysis of studies on the connection between religiousness/spirituality and health. Actually, I don't know how to read such analyses of scientific papers, so I asked my colleague if I could read the final chapter, where the writer wraps up an summarizes the who shebang (why isn't there a "hebang," BTW?). It will be interesting to see what the studies say.

On another note, it is sort of weirding me out that there isn't at least a handful of people (whom I don't know) who would be interested in my experiment and in reading and commenting on my blog by now, about the halfway point in the venture. I guess it bears out what my pastor is always saying, that most folks are too seduced by the world and it's trappings to pay much, if any, attention to their relationship with and growth in God. I hate to generalize like that, and I know that my lack of promoting my blog and my desire to remain anonymous are playing a role in my "invisibility here, but I know personally that there are lots of who *are* interested in this subject, so where are you???? Come out of hiding and wave so I can see you!

Friday, June 3, 2011

Yeah, no bloggy-blog today due to multiple doctor's appointments and the opportunity to help a colleague with editing chapters on a book about religion/spirituality and health. Woot! Just the type of stuff I would like to be working on eventually!

AND THE WINNER OF THE NIGHTFOOD CONTEST IS . . . DEB PATTERSON FROM NEW JERSEY! CONGRATULATIONS!THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO CHECKED OUT MY BLOG DURING THE CONTEST:-)

New month, new background. I figured out how to add new design templates from a source other than Blogger itself, so I'll probably be playing with it and changing the design/layout from time to time.

I feel amazingly nonspiritual lately. I just know that my Higher Power is there, standing watch in the background. It's nice to know He's there but that I don't always have to be yapping at Him and/or asking Him for help. It's a good thing, too, because I'm an introvert by nature. I don't want anyone, even The Big Dude, all up in my face all the time and vice versa. I need time in between connecting with God to reorganize, synthesize, regroup, and integrate. It's a good thing we understand each other, He and I.

Speaking of which, I used to have a problem, (or, as a young modern woman, used to think I should have a problem) with God and Jesus always being referred to as male/with a male pronoun. Although I have become much more comfortable with that, I think it's because my understanding of my Good has grown and solidified over the years from therapy, Al-Anon, and church.

Here is a picture of my Higher Power as I understand Him/Her/It: To me, God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit are processes, not static figures. When I had a hard time "buying" the "cheesy" and rationally unbelievable story of Jesus, I reworked it into believing what He and His life and death stood for: Healing and rebirth through the process of forgiving and loving. Now, that I could buy hook, line, and sinker.

The times I have felt closest to each and all three of them have been those when I am engaged in my own growth, healing, and rebirthing processes through the practice of forgiving and loving myself and others. Working through pain others have caused me, I eventually end up seeing myself in their shoes. Then I have to recognize and acknowledge the pain I want to cause others and dig for the roots of it. Hurting and being/feeling hurt are intertwined. One calls up the other, and vice versa. For now, I believe that I have addressed all the knots inside of me caused by those two dynamics, and life is good right now. Some things may pop up later, but I feel well equipped to handle them when they do. I'm integrating all that I've learned in the past 30+ years and enjoying my life, and that's a great place to be :-)