Attorney-General George Brandis ventured along to the Gold Coast's Mesozoic-themed areas for his own chat with the Cliveosaurus. No dice.

And finally Joe Hockey (his diet-whittled shoulders slumped with the burden of everyone being against him, and probably feeling ferociously like a biscuit) grumped up there in person for a pow-wow. Still nothing.

The truth is that there is only one person in the government who could possibly be of use in this scenario, and that person is Julie Bishop.

Second: He has announced plans to set up his own newspaper, having secured the trading rights to the masthead name The Australasian Times.

Third: He only does press conferences with other foreign leaders.

Fourth: He has commenced a diplomatic war with China. This is not unusual in the annals of minor and deranged charismatic despots.

It's awkward for Australia, because, to the Chinese eye, Mr Palmer looks Australian. To the Australian eye, Mr Palmer looks like a door-to-door animatronics salesman from the planet Zog. But ranked with the Gaddafis and the Berlusconis and the other preposterous blooms in the global bouquet of eccentric 21st century leaders, he looks right at home.

(The distinction of the Cliveosaurus is that he has nothing at all to fear from WikiLeaks. Nothing that we don't know could possibly be any more ridiculous than the stuff we already do know, surely.)

Mr Palmer's deep-set difficulties with China are - as has been widely reported - quite a bit to do with the near-impenetrable thicket of his own business dealings with a large Chinese company.

But his personal antipathy to the Chinese dates back further - much further - than the current Beijing wing-ding.

Browsers of the Australian Women's Weekly in March 1967 might have been intrigued to notice - at the bottom of page 33 - an article entitled "All The World's A School".

The story concerned a precocious 12-year-old called Clive Palmer, who had just crossed the equator for the 33rd time in the company of his parents, Mr and Mrs George Palmer of Surfers Paradise.

"The Palmer family's most terrifying voyage occurred aboard a Dutch freighter in the millpond Java Sea, off Indonesia," the magazine reported, accompanied by a photograph of young Clive bent menacingly over his seated parents.

"Clive was four and a wanderer. While his parents were asleep, he climbed out of the cabin porthole on to a three-inch-wide ledge running along the ship's side. Screams from women passengers sounded the alert. Two Chinese stewards were lowered over the ship's rail.

"As they closed in on Clive, he yelled, 'You keep away from me!'

"'Leave him alone!' bellowed the captain from the bridge, who had stopped the ship and swung out a lifeboat. Meanwhile, Mrs Palmer, forcing calmness into her voice, said: 'What are you doing out there, Clive?'

"'I'm looking for fishies,' the four-year-old replied.

"Finally, Mrs Palmer managed to coax him to the porthole by saying 'Come here, love. There's something I want to brush off your back.' Quickly she grabbed him around the legs, and pulled him to safety."

Mr Palmer's natural suspicion of Chinese people - even those engaged sincerely in an attempt to save his ungrateful preschool arse from a watery death - is not the only notable intelligence to be gleaned from this historical document.

Gimlet-eyed negotiators will of course be drawn to the strategic avenues opened up by the narrative; the extent to which Mr Palmer might feasibly be distracted by the promise of "fishies", for example, or the rich if short-term tactical possibilities in pretending there is something stuck to the man's back.

I say again: It's time for Julie Bishop to get involved.

Clive Palmer is no longer just a domestic irritant or street-corner Sinophobe. He is now a formal diplomatic liability and international threat, requiring the full forces of the Foreign Affairs Department and the blue-steel gaze of our full-time International Oddball specialist, Julie Bishop.

Bishop recently tangled with the diplomatic tentacles of Vladimir Putin, and defused a Brandis-inspired trade war with the Arab states with an inspired semiotic monologue on the difference between between "occupied" and "Occupied". The lady has survived three wildly differing Liberal leaders, gone to the Vatican with Kevin Rudd and Barnaby Joyce, and stared down a garden gnome on national television. Dealing with Clive Palmer wouldn't even be the weirdest thing she's done this week.

169 comments

Team Australia salutes you.

Commenter

Gold

Date and time

August 24, 2014, 12:59AM

Right on, AC.So far, the Coalition has sent mere males to do a woman’s job. To confront this existential threat, they require a mad dog whisperer – cue stage left, the mangy mutt mauler; Brunilde Bishop - the femme force formidable.She is their very own Wonder Woman; using such womanly wiles as the famed cement melting death stare and wearing her pantsuit of steel – it is she who can leap porcine politicians in a single bound.Oh to be a fly on the wall – at that delectably diplomatic dinner for two.

Commenter

Howe Synnott

Location

Sydney

Date and time

August 24, 2014, 7:58AM

Annabel....have you thought that if Julie Bishop got Hockey and Abbott to change their unfair neocon budget that there would be no need for intervention with Clive...surely it's easier to change Abbott than change Clive? Or is it?

Commenter

JT

Date and time

August 24, 2014, 8:36AM

It is time we respect freedom of speech! Let Clive provide his free entertainment! Even Paul Keating called Mahatir M - recalcitrant ! If China gets worried about what "Cliveosorous " says, they are not mature enough to deal with!As This article has rightly pointed out Clive's brain is frozen at age 4! "Barking dogs never bite"!His (the kid's) frustration is with Australian Govt not able to enforce court decisions on the Chinese!

Commenter

Gutsy

Date and time

August 24, 2014, 8:38AM

But the rest of auss who ends up living in poverty(unemployed, disabled, elderly) unable to find jobs and afford healthcare and uni education won't salute anyone who is encouraging the opposition in the senate to pass 'pick on the poorer', and advantage the 'rich' policies..........and especially won't salute those who are encouraging 'some' to say nasty things about china which could encourage sanctions against auss, stopping all trade, causing auss to be a total basket case because we will have practically no goods in our shops to buy, and no food because this gov has sold auss out, and allowed a flood of imported food in, sending some farms to the wall?

Commenter

Operation getridofabbott

Date and time

August 24, 2014, 8:42AM

I really hope this article was supposed to be amusing. It is really very silly. Yesterday's article discussing the potential of the major parties to reduce Clive's power by negotiating, discussing, compromising, dare I say Governing rather than bickering, was much more insightful

Commenter

Anne

Date and time

August 24, 2014, 8:48AM

Julie Bishop's work as a lead lawyer representing the CSR company opposing compensation claims from workers dying of asbestos diseases certainly qualifies her as Team Abbott's negotiator. No-asbestos-compensation-Bishop will argue anything, regardless of public interest or morality, so long as the price is right. As far as no-asbestos-compensation Bishop is concerned, success dealing with Palmer will legitimise her leaderships ambitions, but considering her track record, I can think of nothing worse!

Commenter

Ize

Date and time

August 24, 2014, 8:50AM

And who do you think has more self interest in their pursuit? Palmer or Abbott? now with Palmers self business interests that are clearly on display.. his use of Government office to try and get what he wants..Whoever it takes to bring him into line or there may certainly be a need for a double dissolution of Govt and a new election brought on.. Australian politics is nothing more than a shambles of self interest people bleeting out stupid opinions.. it really is a pathetic display.. any idiot seems to be able to run to be a politician.

Commenter

Australian politics are a disgrace

Date and time

August 24, 2014, 9:09AM

Yet for all that weirdness he still seems moderate compared to Abbott.

Commenter

rext

Date and time

August 24, 2014, 9:09AM

Team Australia, the LNP and by LNP I do mean the Lieberal Nationalcorp Palmer coalition of the lying. All Abbott has do is give Palmer what he is presently giving Rhinehart. Thats the only reason Palmer started his political party, we all know how Campbell Newman ripped off clive and gave everything to Rhinehart after Clive funded Newmans election in QLD. While Rhinehart is the Liberal National party main funding bankroller they really need Palmers votes in the Senate more than they need the crumbs Rhinehart gives Libs and Nats?