The Haunted World Of El Superbeasto

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All Rise...

Judge Erich Asperschlager wonders what an R-rated SpongeBob SquarePants would be like.

The Charge

"Left upon a darkened stair / a baby thick with body hair / a wrestling
family heard the cries / and learn him how to murderize / He soon grew up and up
and up / and now this not-so-little pup / had found a knack for pounding guts /
while pounding booze and pounding sluts." —"El
Superbeasto" by Hard 'N Phirm

Opening Statement

Rob Zombie fans have been waiting a long time for the release of The
Haunted World of El Superbeasto. Based on his comic book creation, Zombie
has been working on this animated movie on and off for the past three years. Now
that it's finally coming out on DVD, pay-per-view, and in theaters, what
isEl Superbeasto? A stylish, R-rated, blood-spattered,
monster-filled animated raunchfest. It's for adults, but it's definitely not for
everyone.

Facts of the Case

Once, El Superbeasto was a famous luchador/superhero who protected the
denizens of Monsterland. Now, he's a washed up celebrity looking to get laid.
His half-sister, Suzi X, carries the family ass-kicking torch as a sexy
crimefighter. With her horny robot sidekick, Murray, Suzi spends her days
blowing Nazi zombies to kingdom come, while "Beasto" spends his nights
shooting homemade pornos and frequenting the Haunted Palace strip club. When
headline stripper Velvet Von Black is kidnapped by nerd-turned-supervillain Dr.
Satan as part of a fiendish plot to gain ultimate power, Superbeasto comes out
of retirement to save (and hopefully bed) her.

The Evidence

I'll say one thing for El Superbeasto: you know what it is right out
of the gate. The movie starts Beasto casting a porno shoot that ends with him
having to kill his female co-stars after they turn into monsters. Naked cartoon
characters, simulated cartoon sex, and buckets of cartoon blood. That's El
Superbeasto.

Like all Rob Zombie projects, this movie isn't for the easily offended. If
your taste in comedy doesn't include bodily fluids, decapitations, boobs used as
weapons, slang for female genitalia, and a redneck pooping out rats, steer clear
of El Superbeasto. It makes your average Adult Swim cartoon look like
Davey and Goliath. Its characters are foul-mouthed, sex-crazed, and not
terribly sympathetic. Especially its hero. Voiced by Zombie's co-writer Tom
Papa, the masked Beasto is a self-obsessed sleazeball who'd rather chase tail
than bad guys. If Freakazoid had a scuzzy uncle, he'd probably look like
this.

Papa is backed by an impressive supporting voice cast. Zombie's wife Sheri
Moon plays Suzi X, the coolest character in the movie. As aware of her seductive
powers as she is blind to how much she turns on her robotic sidekick (voiced by
Brian Posehn), her scenes are always action-packed. Whether fending off an army
of Nazi zombies on motorcycles or casually killing a roomful of club patrons,
she's the consummate action heroine. Frankly, I wish the movie was about her
instead of her brother. If it was, we probably wouldn't be subjected to the
insufferable Velvet Von Black (played with obscene relish by Rosario Dawson).
The bitchy Von Black is the worst kind of damsel in distress. Just ask Dr.
Satan's ape henchman Otto (voiced by SpongeBob SquarePants' own Tom
Kenny), who is tasked with kidnapping her. Dr. Satan, played by Paul Giamatti,
is what Bill Gates might have become if he'd gone to the dark side. Once a
bookish schlub terrorized by jock bullies like Beasto, Dr. Satan has found his
own way to power—through a satanic bylaw that promises him "all the
sudsy powers of Hell" if he can find and marry a woman with the mark of the
beast. That woman, it turns out, is Velvet.

Enjoyment of El Superbeasto depends entirely on how much you like
raunchy humor. I don't find gross-out sex jokes all that funny. The closest I
came to laughing were the original songs written and performed by comedy duo
Hard 'N Phirm (Chris Hardwick and Mike Phirman). Songs like "Zombie
Nazis" and "Otto Explains It All" are no less filthy than the
rest of the movie, but somehow the filth is more fun in song form. Whether it's
providing too-specific commentary for an action scene ("She throws a thing
/ It blows up but a bunch get through / Why does a zombie need a scarf?")
or turning the sex-to-power scheme of a madman into a Schoolhouse Rock!
pastiche, Hard 'N Phirm are easily the best thing about the movie.

Whether or not I liked the content of El Superbeasto, it's hard to
argue the production values. This is one slick movie. The animation is
top-notch, the voice talent is superb, the picture is crisp and colorful, and
the 5.1 surround mix kicks ass. For whatever it's worth, this is the
best-looking adult animated film that I've ever seen.

The disc extras are all alternate or deleted scenes, running about forty
minutes in total. Most of the sequences are extremely short. Like, thirty
seconds short. Many are hardly changed from what appears in the movie. Superfans
might like the subtle tweaks in the animated storyboards, but the overall effect
is that a lot of people worked a long time to get this movie made—and they
want you to know it.

The Rebuttal Witnesses

I wasn't crazy about El Superbeasto, but I'm sure a lot of people will
dig it. You don't have to be a Rob Zombie fan to watch, but you do have to leave
your sense of propriety (and a smidge of maturity) at the door.

Closing Statement

Cartoon boobs, guns, swearing, cartoon boobs, crimefighters, cartoon boobs,
explosions, dirty jokes, simulated sex, action, and cartoon boobs. If that
sounds like a good time, hop on board The Haunted World of El
Superbeasto.