My Search For Meaning

I went to church last Sunday to find hope. I've been down since I haven't heard anything back from the schools I interviewed at. I thought that all of my interviews went great, but I guess they didn't like me. Anyways, that's beside the point. I've started to lose hope in my future. Several of my friends who are also applying to MD/PhD programs have had more interviews than me and have already received a couple acceptances. I'm sitting here with four interviews, which is great, and no acceptances, no so great. I know that I'm supposed to be a medical scientist and I know that I am supposed to be going in this path, but it sometimes seems/feels like I'm not cut out to do it (according to schools). Because of all of this, I went to one place that I used to give me hope.

I arrived right when the service was starting and sat alone in a pew (until an older couple sat by me halfway through the service). I sang the hymns, thought about life during the sacrament, listened to the speakers, and showed respect during the prayers. I genuinely wanted to be there and find hope again, but nothing came. The talks were touching and from the speakers' hearts, but they didn't instill me with hope for a better life or future. I didn't receive anything for going to church, no sense of hope and belonging and no feelings of truth and happiness. If anything, I only liked learning about the lives and experiences of the people who were speaking.

After sacrament meeting, I waited until almost everyone had left. Nobody came and talked to me during that time. When I decided to leave, the bishop grabbed me. He sat me down in the chapel and talked to me for a bit. He asked me about how work was going, how I was doing, how my interviews had been, my plans for the future, etc. He showed to me that he did care for me in some way, but he didn't give me what I was looking for. He was just happy to see me at church again, especially after his visit to my apartment where I told him my whole life story and about dissatisfaction with the Church.

As I have been thinking about the experience over the past week, the one lesson that I learned from it is that hope comes from the inside. You have to truly believe something will happen or that something is true in order to receive hope from it. Hope cannot come from anyone, but yourself.

Religion seems to be something that people make up. It is their beliefs of the world and the purpose of life. I am in a stage of discovery of what I believe. As I have experienced more life, I have felt the need to explore the spiritual aspects of my life outside of what the Church teaches. Note: this does not me I have lost my morals or am becoming morally wrong. I am in a process of self discovery and finding meaning.

In sociology, they call the period of life that I am in emerging adulthood. This era of life is a phenomena that has started to occur mainly in the US and among other first world countries. It is a period of self-discovery. Emerging adults typically do not feel ready for adulthood, yet they aren't adolescents. They are also looking for an escape from the controls their parents place/placed upon them.

Now that I'm out of my house and away from BYU, I have been able to explore my life more in depth and discover new beliefs if you will or beliefs that I didn't recognize before. I still believe in God. I don't think that God plays as big a role in our daily lives as the LDS Church plays it to be (God's hand is in everything). There are moments when I know that He has helped me or provided an opportunity, but I believe He lets me make my own decisions and live my own life. He helps me only when I need it. Here are some examples of why I believe the way I do.

My senior year at BYU I was applying to medical school. Something about it didn't feel entirely right, but parts of it felt right. After getting sick during the application season and only going to a few interviews, I realized my true passion was medical research. I wanted to be an MD/PhD. If God really plays a role in our everyday lives, I feel he would have told me to apply to MD/PhD programs before I started applying to medical schools because I spent over $5,000 just to realize that I wanted to be a medical scientist. That just doesn't entirely make sense to me if he didn't allow me to live my own life and not intervene. He wanted me to make my decisions and go with what felt right. At the time, MD felt as right as I wanted it to feel, but as I stated, it wasn't right for me. I don't think it will ever be right for me. Some will argue that God's hand was in this and wanted me to experience the pain of heart break, wasting money, struggling with decisions, etc. I don't think he wanted me to experience that at all. I've experienced it one too many times in the past and I didn't need a reminder.

Then when I started looking for jobs, I don't think God had a hand in it. I found some programs that I wanted to apply to and I applied. Of course it took a while to get a job interview, but was it really God who gave me this job or was it my hard work and dedication? I believe it was the latter. I killed myself in school and research to get where I am today. Did God put me here? No... He did not push me through school and research. I did that myself. It was my own free will. I could have chosen to party like my classmates and friends, but I chose to do what I wanted to do. I worked hard to get where I am today.

I will admit that God has helped me in difficult situations though. He may have provide the opportunity for me to receive the job I have, but at the same time I know I worked hard for it. I was desperate when the interview came and it has been good for me to move out to Maryland. So He might have had a role in that. I know that God has also saved my life on numerous occasions. I almost drown when I was little. He gave me the strength to reach the surface when I was blacking out. I've almost been killed in car accidents too, but I felt something tell me to slow down or not to go. Seconds later a car comes flying by and would have hit me if I was there.

Yes, I do believe in God and I do believe He helps me in certain situations. However, I do not believe He helps me in all situations. I do most of the work myself and He lets me make my own decisions. He only corrects me or provides opportunities when I might die when it's not my time or when I need to chance to make my life better.

I said that I was going to write on this blog to describe some of the things I discovered while I was applying to medical school. Well, I'm finally getting around to doing it.

One aspect of my life that I discovered was my extreme gratitude for my experiences in life and my opportunity to be gay. I know that some people see being gay as a curse, but I see it has a blessing. I have experienced being a minority; I have experienced the emotional pain that comes with inner turmoil; I have learned that there is more to life than society's definitions of what is right and what is wrong; I have learned to be comfortable in my own skin; I have learned to take off the mask of masculinity; I have learned what true love is; and most importantly, I have gained more sympathy and empathy for those who are lost, in pain, or confused. This lessons I have learned have taught me what it truly means to be a doctor. A doctor is someone who cares about their patient, but it isn't only in the setting of the office. A true doctor or healer tries to rid the person of all of the pain, hurt, confusion, stress, and uncertainty that comes from having an illness. I know that I can do this. I can be that kind of doctor because I learned all of the lessons I mentioned above. Being gay is not a curse. Being gay helped me become who I am today and I am extremely grateful for the experiences God has allowed me to have.

If there is anything that my faithful readers would like to hear me talk about, such as one of the lessons I learned, I would be more than happy to use that as my next post. Let me know what you would like to hear from me.

I am depressed about my future. I feel like I don't have one. I feel like my dreams are falling through the cracks or shattering into a million and one pieces. I just don't know what to do anymore. The interview season is almost over (2 or 3 months depending on the school) and I have yet to hear back from one medical school. It is getting beyond frustrating. I've tried really hard not to think about it, but it's all that I can think about lately. I really want to go to medical school and I feel like it is going to be the best place for me, but I guess the schools are thinking otherwise. Sigh...

I've started looking into taking the GRE and applying to graduate schools in biochemistry because I don't think I'm going to get into medical school. This is something that I don't want to do because I don't want to be in a lab my whole life. I want to be interacting with people and healing them. It looks like this isn't going to happen though. Sigh... Life is so depressing right now.

What did I do wrong? What should I have done differently? Should I call or email the medical schools to see about my application status?

It's been awhile since I've written on this blog. Sorry about that. I know some of you find my deeper thoughts more interesting than my random stories, thoughts, and adventures. As I have been writing my medical school applications, I have gone on a journey of self-discovery. I have learned so much about myself as I have poured over essays, thought about my life, and lived life! It has been an exciting time. In due time, I'll share some of my discoveries with you.

Right now, I want to talk about a quote I put up on my blog awhile ago and how it relates to my life (this goes along with the learning from medical school applications theme that will be my next couple of posts). Here is the quote so you don't have to go back and read it: "We think that when we are driven out of the usual path, everything is over for us; but it is just here that the new and the good begins. As long as there is life, there is happiness. There is much, much before us!" -Tolstoy

When I first discovered my attraction for men in high school, I thought myself as a sinner. I didn't believe that I had any worth on this earth and that I wasn't meant to be here. This soon changed when I entered college. Being gay and "abnormal" (that's how I used to see myself) drove me out of my original path. I thought that life was over for me. I hated my life. I hated God. I hated my family. I hated the whole world. However, my journey in college has completely changed that perspective. Coming to terms with myself helped me realize that "the new and the good begins" here and that my path is new, but great. I have experienced life to its fullest in my time at college. I have lived, laughed, and loved (it's cliche, I know). My path may not have been what I expected or wanted it to be, but I'm perfectly fine with that now. I have realized that "as long as there is life, there is happiness." This quote has directly applied to my life and I'm sure that it can apply to everybody.

My life is going to keep living and I'm not going to fall behind my life and sit in a dark corner. That part of my life is past. I'm always going to be there jumping in leaps and bounds because I have worth, I have a purpose, and I have passion. I have so much before me and I never want to be left behind again.

I am kind of annoyed right now. Actually, more than annoyed. There is this guy in lab that I work with that looks down upon me because I am a undergraduate (he's a grad) and that I didn't serve a mission. It really bothers the crap out of me. He talks down to me and he makes himself seem like he's so much better than me. Guess what... you're not!

The thing that bothers me the most is that he always tells me that I can still go on a mission. I have told him numerous times that the First Presidency told me to move on with my life and not worry about serving a mission, but he still bothers me about it. He tells me how great his mission was and how everybody needs to go. Get off your freaking high horse for heaven's sake! Seriously! I wish he would just leave me alone. I swear the topic comes up once a week or every other week. It's so bad! He also tells me that I could try again. To which I remind him what the First Presidency told me and that I am applying to medical school right now... not a good idea to delay going into medical school. Sometimes I wonder how smart he is.

I just wish he would realize that missions aren't for everyone.

I can also see why he isn't married at 30... hahaha! (That was mean but I really don't care right now).

"I called Jesus but he didn't check his phone today..."-"Miss California" by Jack's Mannequin

This seems to happen a lot to me. I feel like I never get answers and that I never receive the help that I need. It makes me feel like God isn't involved intricately in each of our lives like the Church has always taught me. I know that people will tell me that my prayers will be answered in God's own time.

This begs me to ask the question where was He during my middle school and high school years and whenever I need Him? For those of you who know my history better, you'll understand what I am talking about but for those who don't, I'll give you a brief little history. At the age of twelve, I was addicted to pornography. I discovered that I was gay, yet was in utter denial because I thought being gay in the Church doesn't happen. I hated myself. It seemed like my friends hated me too because a lot of my close friends ditched me once I entered middle school and then ditched me again and again in high school. Where was He then? I called, but he didn't answer his phone. He seemed to never answer his phone in the times that I needed him most. He still doesn't answer.

I do believe in God and Jesus, but are they really involved personally in my life? I'm having a hard time believing that and I guess I have always had trouble believing that since around the age of 12.

About Me

I am Sean and this is who I am. There is nothing more I can say. I guess I could mention that I have Crohn's Disease and Spasmodic Torticollis, I fall in love with men, I am a swimmer, I am a member of the LDS Church, I am a state and national champion in many different things, I love music and let it define my life, I graduated from BYU with a BS in Biochemistry and a minor in Sociology as Magna Cum Laude, I love to cook, I researched at the NIH/NCI, and I working on receiving an MD/PhD at Mount Sinai School of Medicine. Yet, all of these definitions are small parts of my life. Sean is who I am really and that is how I define myself. I am Sean.