A blog which charts our journey through the adoption process. The ups and downs, the process and the pondering, the self-exploration and the anticipation.
Hopefully these jottings will be a reassurance, and perhaps be a little enlightening, to others considering this particular journey or making their way through it themselves.

Monday, 24 June 2013

The second
preparation day arrived and, after our early morning cross country
rally, so did we... on time... just! The first Prep day had been
pretty exhausting but, as this day was due to concentrate more deeply
on the journey of the child in the run up to adoption we were ready
to be put through the emotional wringer. We weren’t far wrong.

To begin with the
trainers, Maureen and Doreen, helped us build up the bricks in the
strong foundation which children need to develop securely. This was
done both figuratively and literally as we sought out hankie boxes
which had been covered, Blue Peter-style, in wrapping paper and
carried words such as: affection, shelter, warmth, clothing, praise,
love, nurture, comfort, food, security, safety... And then came the
opportunity to have that wall come tumbling down.

The following
sessions that morning looked at what happened when some or all of
those basic building blocks were removed from a child’s life. We
worked through a couple of case studies which were, we were assured,
very closely based on some real life cases which had been dealt with
in the county. As one might have expected, some of the circumstances
were a little extreme and it was certainly tough going on an
emotional level. However, there was a glimmer of hope for us all.
Although the two cases which we were going to look through were
tragic and harrowing to hear about in places these were both genuine
success stories. Each of our subjects, one little boy and one little
girl, had gone on to adoption and after working through various
issues and problems had settled into a loving family life. There was
a light at the end of the tunnel for all the darkness during the
journey. After all the grim horror stories we’d heard at the Open
Evening and Orientation Day that was a HUGE relief.

However, it did
mean that some of the concepts which were being espoused in the
sessions on child development were already familiar to us. It was
fascinating, nonetheless, to hear about how the physical and
emotional environment in which a newborn baby finds itself can affect
the very wiring of the brain’s neurons. There was discussion of the
crying-comforting cycle which develops between the parent and child
and how this forms the building blocks of a strong attachment – and
what happens when that never develops through abuse or neglect.

It was at that
point that someone piped up with, “Well, at least if all that
horrible stuff happens really early on they won’t really remember
it when they’re older, so that’s not such a problem for us as
adopters, is it...?” I guess that Maureen and Doreen were waiting
for that comment. Slowly but firmly that notion was put in its place.
This was an opportunity for more discussions on the effects of trauma
on the developing brain, background adrenalin levels, fight and
flight modes, hyper-vigilance and detachment. By the time we were
shown a video of some psychological experiments on infants with
strong and poor attachment we all really felt like we had been put
through the wringer. Painful but powerful stuff.

Over-achievers Anonymous

It
was during this session that we learned another little lesson. As
recommended at the previous sessions we’d started doing some
background reading around adoption issues. Forewarned is forearmed
and all that... It soon became clear that we were the only ones in
the group who had. Unable to repress our own inner Lisa Simpson we
mentioned a few of the things that had struck us from our reading
during the discussion sessions. Mid-morning we were in the
middle of one such (slightly fractious) discussion when my wife threw
in a little comment based on one of the books which supported a point
the trainers were making (much to the scepticism of the group).
Doreen shot back with a terse comment, “Well, it will be very
interesting to see how all this knowledge you’ve picked up from the
books apply when you’ve actually
got an adopted child.”

Whoa Trigger! Hang on a mo, reign back on the whole passive
aggressive thing! I was given a pleading look of “Did I say
something wrong?”. I did my best to reassure her that as far as I
was concerned she’d not done anything wrong through the medium of
wiggling eyebrows and shrugging shoulders. To her credit, the Maureen
shot her colleague a look as if to say, “Now, now, they’re not
the gobby ones in the group. Go easy on them. Take a deep breath...”
Did I mention that our group was a little... erm... “feisty”?

Suitably
chastened we both made a mental note to drop any further references
to our extra-curricular reading activities. Instead we would express
the same wide eyed amazement as the rest of the group as each new
concept was introduced. It’s a principle which would develop as we
went further through the adoption preparation process and home study.
We were both determined to be open and honest all the way through.
However, the fact is that this process is a process
and as such it expects certain things at certain times. As
prospective adopters part of our responsibility was to service the
expectations and requirements of the process. If the process said
“Jump” better for us to ask “How high?” than to argue that
perhaps hopping or skipping would be better or more appropriate for
us.

2 comments:

Really great detailed account of prep group which will be very useful to those starting their adoption journey. I personally think it's great that you are doing lots of reading now and yes living it can be very different to the books, but it shows dedication and commitment to what you are doing. Plus sometimes in the middle of living it you don't always feel like picking up a book to read all about it as well, so getting ahead is good in my opinion.