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Single Black Women Adopting

I saw this beautiful, though somewhat sad, article on CNN today. Black women are choosing to adopt without waiting for a man to come around. These black women are successful, strong, and accomplished, but they have not found men who will marry them or treat them with respect. Many have decided to go ahead and move forward with motherhood. It’s beautiful because these women are empowered and not allowing society to hold them back, but it’s sad because these men are turning down something good.

Some people are criticizing these women because they feel it’s bad to have more single parent African American families. I say screw it. If these women can provide love and stability for these children, many of whom are caught up in the system, I say go for it. It’s sad to waste one’s capacity to love.

As I’ve mentioned before, I think the African American and Asian American gender imbalances are very different because men and women are different. I think it’s good to compare them though. I thought about whether Asian American men would ever forego marriage and just adopt. I don’t think so; it’s not a typical male thing to do. In real life, lonely Asian American men don’t adopt kids; they “adopt” wives by heading back to the motherland. Then they treat these wives like garbage. It’s sad but true–I’m sure you all know people like this–Asian guys barking at their wives because their wives can’t speak the language. Which supports Den Boer and Hudson’s view that female shortages create very big problems, and which also supports my view that we all need to work on fixing the imbalance.

15 thoughts on “Single Black Women Adopting”

Jaewhan, I know this a LOOONG post, but I made it primarily in response to your admittedly occasional comparisons between the dating/relationship scene between black women/asian men.
I understand your comparison was never meant to be totally symmetrical (and I’ve not made the mistake of thinking it was) there’s quantitative and qualitative differences, but I have to point out some things –which you’ve said before and– certainly heard many times before.

If black women are supposed to be analogous to asian men in your comparison, then where does that leave black men in that comparison?
Asian women are sought out by white men. Black men have to seek out white women. Asian women get to choose. Black men still have to compete.

Because if you ask black men how they feel about black women, we’ll tell you that we feel betrayed by them!
Because they have made a culture out of choosing the bottom-feeders among us to perpetuate our community.
Seriously. You only see a comparative handful of black men in the colleges. They are ALWAYS bookworms and alone. But these are the ones who will make great husband material. The very ones black women say they “can’t find!”
But go to the campus library, the school cafeteria, study hall, the campus square –WHEREVER!
You see these collections of black women standing around.

If black women’s rhetoric was really the truth why is it these guys aren’t swimming in black women the way the thugs are?
No, it’s no “manliness.” You don’t see the white/Asian/hispanic girls on campus chasing the “bad boys.” ONLY the AfAmer females do that!

So why aren’t black women going for the guys who are a slam dunk “good thing?” Black women will try to defend themselves on this count by saying, “Well, why doesn’t HE make the first move?”
Two reasons: first of all, if there’s something YOU want, then you don’t sit there and hope it will come to you. Black women don’t sit and wait for hair weaves to come to them, they go out and get them. ONCE A WEEK!

Second: Black women don’t have options. Black men do. That doesn’t mean he’s a king sitting on a throne, but it does mean that if the ratio of black women to black men is 3 to 1 then you better pull your head out of your ass and realize he KNOWS that time’s on his side, not yours. He has choices, you don’t.
It is ALWAYS the responsibility of the weaker partner in any relationship to adjust to the demands of that relationship.

Another thing I’m sure you might have noticed: the white/latina girls don’t have a problem getting black men.
Derek Luke –the heir-apparent to Denzel’s crown– has a Hispanic WIFE. Puff Daddy made J-Lo is booty call, then made her a star –BTW J-Lo was on “In Living Color” during the 90’s so the Wayans Brothers also helped put her on the map.
The list of black men with white wives is of course too long to even begin to list.

So, what’s the real reason?

The illegitimacy rate in the black community is 70%.
AA women comprise only 6.5% of the population yet account for 50% of the single, unwed mothers.
Only about 15% of AA men are in jail or have otherwise been “caught up” in the system. That means 85% of AA men are “available.”
Of the 15% of AA men in jail –one would NEVER know this if their only information about black incarceration rates came exclusively from watching the nightly news, which for damn near all Americans it does– ALL of these reprobates have MULTIPLE girlfriends/honeys on the side/booty calls and “wifeys.” That’s not hyperbole that’s a FACT!

And for some damned reason black women in America LOVE that shit. They’ve created an entire social and media “defense system” through their “buying power. Tell black women what they want to hear and they’ll flock to watch your TV show or see your movies.
Ask Oprah and Tyler Perry how they became overnight billionaires. Ask Tyra how she went from bring the “black Sports Illustrated/Victoria’s Secret” model to being a media powerhouse.
Black women support her shows, AND SHE KNOWS IT!
The price of that support though is black women can NEVER be blamed for anything. Black men are ALWAYS at fault.

In an earlier draft of this “message” I explained how AfAmre women were the primary beneficiaries of AffAction initiatives, second only to white women and how they got preferential hiring and college admissions over black men and how the white mainstream “chose” black women to excel financially over black men while enriching the very whites who put them on top in the first place.
In essense white males in power decided to put black women “on the team,” as we like to say.
I’m sure many Asian men feel that by pursuing asian women and putting them on a pedestal –of sorts– while relegating asian men to eunuch status asian women have been “put on the team.”

So I hope you see how I scratch my head and wonder why –from my vantage point at least– black women aren’t seen as analagous to asian women.

The reason so many black women are unsatisfied is because of the choices in men that they make. It has ZERO to do with who’s willing to treat them “with respect.”
They chase “thugs” and “roughnecks” because they think it’s cute. They’re still little girls on the playground, trying to impress their playpals. To them the losers they chose are cute, like having their own bulldog who walks on his hind legs.

You can’t play the harlot in your teens and 20’s and foster the mindset that you are going to act like you’re 15 the rest of your life, then when that “lifestyle” runs out, decide to go running to the same guys who you turned your back on for thugs.
What kind of “good” man wants a woman who in her heart is still the same whore who wouldn’t give him the time of day eight years ago?
And she’s got kids!
And she’s fat!
And she’s STILL got a stank attitude!
LOL Sure, I’ll bet the fellas line up to get that one!

When you’re 28, have 4 kinds by 4 different “baby daddys” are now fat are getting wrinkly as hell, and have low prospects that kind of says something about you.
And it doesn’t say anything good.

Personally I find it not at all bothersome that the black men who are about something are starting to opt out on black women.
If black women feel they have no obligation to do as their grandmothers and all other maternal forebears have done (make it their DUTY to choose the best for them, and not what they think will make their playpals giggle with envy) then why should any black man feel any obligation to wait until black women get over their “bad boy” phase?
That’s a fool who wastes two decades waiting for some broad to be used up, out of some misguided sense of ethnic loyalty. She didn’t come to her senses, she simply ran out of options.

If white or Hispanic women know a good thing when they see it and black women don’t then the white/latinas will win, black women will lose and that’s life.

If black women have managed to use their “buying power” to get a willing, compliant media to create a cocoon where they are shielded from any and all criticism and blame, then let them live in their fantasy world.
After all black women LOVED that sitcom “Living Single” during the 90’s.
Well, they are now LIVING out that theme song, “I’m glad I’ve got my GIRLS!”
Today that’s all they’ve got!

I feel ZERO pity for them and I really wish you would stop making tragic heroines out of women who have behaved like harlots.
THERE”S A REASON WHY 70% OF THEM ARE ALONE! They choose to be.
Everyday that they chase thugs, they are choosing.
Everyday they sit there trying to live out some Princess Beauty fantasy where all they have to do is cjust stand there and prince charming will walk up to them, they are choosing!
This is the 21st century. Women are “liberated” now, but liberation is a two-edged sword. Women will have to start doing the wooing and learn to bear rejection, just like men have always done.

And black women don’t have a problem flirting with thugs, with “making the first move.” If they can do it for a lowlife who’ll get them pregnant, fat, beat up and abandoned, then what possible justifiable reason can they have to not do it for the “good” guys?
Especially when they SAY –and I use the word say with ultimate sarcasm– that’s who they want?

And if black women are so otherwise desireable them why is no one hopping on them?
Indian men aren’t. White men aren’t. And Asian men DAMN SURE aren’t taking them.
Black women blame the media too for “ruining their image,” but unlike asian men black women have their “girls” at the highest levels in media.
Oprah, Melanie Hobson (she’s George Lucas’s wife) Debra Lee (who RUNS Black Entertainment Television) Catherine Hughes (who runs the “other” black station, TV One).
So, since it’s NOT the media (who has protected them and made them into HYPER sex symbols) then whose fault is it?
Because Asian men can say, “the media has emasculated us and made us less desireable in asian women’s eyes.” Black women can’t. In fact their complaint is just the opposite.

Again, I’m not jumping on you, but your comparison simply must be put into context. And I do understand that your comparison between black women/asian men was never meant to be perfect. You were simply pointing out that there seemed to be a few similarities.
But trust me when I say Asian men have a LOOOOONG way to fall –almost as long as this message! LOL– before they will be in the same waters, much less the same boat as black women.
I don’t profess to know the dynamics of intra-Asian relations. We were raised in different cultural incubators and are the result of different experiences.

However just because asian women and black men seem to not have it quite so hard in dating out of their race as AsianMen/BlackWomen doesn’t mean that asian men should look at black women’s situations for any clues.

I probably shouldn’t be weighing in on this, but as I see it, Asian Amer men are battling an antagonistic media they neither own nor control, nor can even influence but they’re also battling asian women who feel –or perecive that they have been– “repressed” (which is as much an invention of the media and authors like Kingston, as the works of black authors like Toni Morrison whose novels portray black men as brutally “repressing” black women during and after slavery –I SWEAR I’m not making that up!) and right now may be enjoying watching Asian men kvetch over their “breaking tradition.”

The examples of Asian women who are not celebs “going Euro” are few, to be honest. Asians are a THIRD of the human race, 2 billion PLUS. And the unmarried/illegitimate numbers for asians are a tiny fraction of the Afri Amer community.
So you can understand how I scratch my head somewhat when the issue of Asian men not getting dates gets raised.
There will ALWAYS be haves and have-nots. 2 or 3 percent of guys without dates isn’t a “problem,” per se, simply a fact of life.

I’ll be the first to admit when I’m totally at a loss for words. And right now–I’m totally at a loss for words!

While I do have black friends, I’m not in the community enough to accurately gauge general trends. Much of my knowledge of the African American community dynamics comes from books or media, and as is true with the Asian American community, it’s quite possible that what gets published is only what people want to hear. I do occasionally attend a community event in Portland that is majority black, but I feel that there are some really complex dynamics that make it hard for an outsider to really be accepted (as is the case with majority Asian groups). It’s actually kind of funny–I ought to blog about this so we can talk about it. I currently owe King a post on why there are no Asian supermodels–but I think I should place that further back in queue because this “dynamics” question really interests me–or should I say, stumps me.

I have a black male friend in NY who’s quite bookish and successful–I used to always call him whenever I needed my computer fixed (haha…yes, he used to kid me about being the only Asian guy who couldn’t fix a computer). We once went out drinking, and when I brought up the topic of the Asian American IR disparity and how Asian men were getting Kingstoned to death, he basically told me exactly what you said about his community.

If you look at Valencia’s blog, the very first comment on her “Obsessed” post also says the same thing:

Wow… well if that isn’t painting with the broadest brush in the bucket. Neutral,(irony noted) do you realize that you just described ALL Black women into a single category? That you could do this, without qualifiers or exceptions, seems not only remarkable, but indicative of a glaring bias. There is no ethnic group on earth who can be described as simply and universally as you have just done above. Why don’t you go on to tell us how ALL Asian men part their hair, or how Latinas take their morning coffee?

Please, please, be good enough to explain that you are addressing a certain segment of a diverse population of African-descended women. To say that ALL black women are attracted to thugs and hoodlums is as bad as saying that ALL black men ARE thugs and hoodlums. And I don’t see how you don’t get that! How about all of the Michelle Obamas of the world, who have married up and coming black men? DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT SHE’S THE ONLY BLACK FEMALE WHO WAS INTERESTED IN A SUCCESSFUL BLACK MAN?

OK.. so beyond the insane generalizations you’ve made, can we now at least admit that not every black woman is looking to date Snoop Dogg? Can we also be honest enough to say that black women aren’t the only ones who are attracted to bad boys and hoodlums? Have you REALLY never know hispanic women who are attracted to the Cholo/ element in their culture? Have you never know white girls to be attracted to barfighters, bikers, brawlers, and borderline drug criminals? Your classification of black women as the universal and exclusive class of women who are interested in “bad-seed men” is incredulous, and demonstrates either a complete lack of observation or of honesty!

What you are describing above is anecdotal at best. That’s certainly not to say that it doesn’t happen — on the contrary, it happens quite often in EVERY CULTURE. There are always bookworms who are passed over for bad seeds. There are always braniacs, passed over for maniancs. And if you want to make the argument that it happens a little more often in the black community, then I might even agree with you. But to take a complex problem such as this and boil it down to, “Black women are stupid tramps who don’t know a good thing when they see it, and deserve what they get” is both oversimplistic and offensive.

King, it seems in our community that WHENEVER anyone says, “This is the problem,” we get the same old contingent of Captain Save-a-Hoe’s who come along and feel it their duty to defend black women’s “honor.” How’s that working out for you? Does it make you feel “black and proud?”

Well let me tell you something. You don’t look or sound like an intelligent black person correcting the “broad brushing” done by an uninformed blowhard. Rather you sound like someone whose knee-jerk reaction is to deny unpleasant realities and tell us all that we aren’t seeing what is PLAINLY right in front of us.

Before you ever again seek to show us all how clever you think you are by pulling the old, “If you can’t attack the argument, attack the semantics” ploy, I would HIGHLY advise you to read the words of Thomas Jefferson who said, “There is no rule without an exception, but it is FAULTY REASONING that tries to convert the exception into the rule.”

When people like you come along saying, “Wait, they’re not ALL like that!” you are literally pointing at a handful and trying to convince us all to simply ignore the army of misbehaving hoodrats we see every hour of every day.

70% of black women are single.
70% of black children are born out of wedlock.
50% of single mothers in America are black.

So, given those FACTS, you still want qualifiers? All right, here’s one for you.

While black women don’t make up 100% of these numbers, they are damn sure on their way to getting there. How’s that?
What say you stop it with the Captain Save-a-Hoe routine and join the rest of us who are sounding the alarms and trying to stop this thing before the proverbial “all black women” becomes literal.
I know to you, from behind your latest issue of “O” magazine, that may seem a bit unfathomable, but out here in the real world, we see things going that way and quickly!

Anyways, this is an ASIAN blog, and it’s unfair to take space others have set aside for themselves and essentially hi-jack it to discuss the affairs and dysfunctions of others. I refuse to help you suck up all the oxygen in the room by bringing our baggage here.
I come here to get perspectives from others OUTSIDE of my own sphere, not to continue the same views from my own.

The reason I even commented is that Jaewhan (and a few others) from time to time draw a comparison between what he/they see as similarities between the dating options/intra-racial attractiveness of blackwomen and asianmen. I don’t say he’s right or wrong, valid or invalid. Internal racial mechanics are complex, moreso when you add gender to it. Jaewahn sees an imbalance in his community and is looking for answers. He looked around, saw a similar imbalance in another community, and wondered if there were any lessons/clues to be drawn from it.

I simply felt it important that while he pointed out how the situations of BW/AM are similar that someone also make it a point to stress how they’re different.

In the end it wouldn’t matter how many “qualifiers” I put in my statement. You simply hate that I even said it at all. And unless I made it “less offensive” to you (i.e., watered down my statement to the point where I might as well have said, “Black men are to blame for black women being 70% single! Not black women!”) you would STILL be here whining.
If not about “qualifiers,” then CERTAINLY about something else.

That said, I’m done with this “conversation.” And I apologize to everyone else for taking up space on this blog with issues that are of no consequence or importance to Asians.
There ARE “African American” forums for debating this kind of thing, you know.

My message was meant for Jaewahn’s eyes only as it was. So I hope that now that he’s seen it he’ll delete it and the replies to it, before my comments attract anymore inappropriate side-distractions.

So… when someone points out that it’s unfair for you to make broad deragatory statements about black females… What they are doing is SAVING the HOES? Are all black women hoes, or are you willing to make an exception for your mother?

Now before I reply, I will say that your post did bring up real problems that do exist in the black community, I just disagree with your reasoning as to who is solely to blame for these problems.

Firstly, my point was that you leveled broad generalizations about black women. That was sloppy, unfair, and obviously inccurate. How much time does it take you to simply qualify your statements so as not to tar every black woman alive with the same brush or ignorance? It is certainly worth making the distinction, no matter how few black women you think are worthy of it. That is only fair.

Secondly, when someone tells me that I don’t sound like “an intelligent black person correcting the broad brushing done by an uninformed blowhard.” It says much about how they actually DO think that I must sound, since nobody else has said this—least of all, me. And as for denying unpleasant realities, it depends on what you’re talking about. If you want to discuss the statistics that come out of the black community, that’s one thing, but when you have managed to reach the brilliant conclusion that only one gender is responsible for ALL of the problems, naturally I don’t agree. No sane person would.

Thirdly, this accusation makes absolutely no sense:

“If you can’t attack the argument, attack the semantics”

Semantics is the study of meaning and linguistic development. It deals directly with the interpretation of language and understanding. In other words, semantics IS the ARGUMENT.
Feel free to look up in your dictionary.

LISTEN… the point is that it is not fair, no matter how few people you think are represented, not to exclude them from your broad brushed accusations. Would you say that ALL the people in Sweden are white just because the vast majority of them are? Would you say that EVERYONE in France speaks french? Would you insist that everone is Las Vegas works in a casino? Qualifying your statements is just the adult thing to do when making an argument. Grow up.

As for the rest, you seem to be making a pretty good case that most black people are either degenerate hoodlums, hoes, or infatuated with them. Is that really what you believe?

The black women who make good decisions are like… the exceeptions to the rule? They are a handful as compared to the army of “misbehaving hoodrats” as you put it?

You sound like you don’t think very much of most other black people, black man.

Who would trust a man who is so willing to talk down his own race on an Asian activist website? Do you think anybody here is ready to go over to Black Planet to discuss how they think Asian women are hoes and tramps?

I am a black woman and when I lived I n America I did not go for the thug as. In fact i was not considered black enough, because of my use of grammatically correct English and I was not fitting the stereotype of what they had in their mind of what a black woman is supposed to be. OMG Neutral observer Black women are individuals not some monolithic group. Thank you for buying into the stereotype that we are all the same. I was not raise to say no to a guy because of his race. I will say that I was also not raise to recognize the good ones. I had to work on myself for that as to all people in the world. you have to love yourself first before you can let someone love you. It’s funny that it seems okay to paint all of us in one sweeping brush. Poeple are going to think what they want. All you can o is live the life you want so more power to these women for adopting.

There is a range of reason why black women are single 1 there is by choice , because you want to be alone( I’m in this category . I now live in a all black country and could have my pick ). 2 maybe the black men are only into non black women ( that is cool with me your choice more power to you). The women waiting for her black Prince(He is not coming sorry honey.) 3 they women who has you say pick the wrong guy ( I’m pretty sure as long as human have existed men and women have both made the mistake of picking the wrong partner for themselves period.) 5 maybe she is Gay and can’t be married. 7 Marriage scares them sh%$tless 8 I could go on but since Black women are a diverse group of people the list could be endless.

As for Asian men having similar situation than black women I can see it. since we are both be desexualized Black women as the mammy and Asian males as in the media as almost invisible or the geek who never get the girl. The diference as between the Asian male and Black Female situation. Well there is hueism or colorism in the black community ,the mammy/whore dichotomy that black women has to deal with.

I do have further thoughts on this–again, not because I know what I’m talking about with regards to the black community, but more because I know the way we Asian men often view it. Hopefully I’ll get that up soon.

I’d be glad to hear your thoughts on the subject. It’s funny how for black women the way we are portrayed goes from one extreme to another. In the rest of the world Asian men are note viewed this Black women neither. It solely happens in America. I mean I live in the Caribbean and Asian men are considered desirable here black women too. But us women live under Patriarchal societies and sometimes that attention we get from our fellow men is not always welcome or even wanted.

it’s nice to get your perspective on any similarities between Asian men and the plight of black American women. even more insightful from one who is not iving in the US and can give us a different look.

I also agree that you can’t paint everyone with a broad brush; I too believe there has to be some qualifiers. you can’t over generalize and maintain a valid argument.

Thank you mojorider . Yes stereotyping people is never good and causes lot’s of grief and annoyance.

I used to live in the US and I never got the why they were reinforcing the meme about Asian men not being desirable. In my country growing up I wasn’t desirable ,because of my skin tone. I’m medium brown. Now that I’m back home ( a year now) I can’t keep guys away lol ( maybe it’s all the confidence :). maybe Asian men need to leave the US to find partners. Who wants to date people that don’t want you. That is why it never bothered me when Black American men would not hit on me or ask me out , cause I hate to base my value, my desirability on what men think . I don’t solely exist to be guys fanatasy fodder . If it there preference to go out with non black women ,whatever. They are free to do as they please. Plus The world does not end and begin with America . Asian men need to remember that. I love men all of them . I say look outside there is lot’s of great women everywhere . after having dated and befriended men from everywhere all I can say is that you can count on jerks coming in all color , race. so why limit oneself and why be mad if men your color won’t date you . That was always my advice to the black American women. I also use to say if you really want a black men move to an all black country cause that is the only way you are going to get a pick of the one you might be looking for.lol

Please name the ethnicity where all the women run down to the library and drool over men who are carrying the biggest stacks of books. It sounds nice, but let’s be honest, NOBODY does that! Women appreciate intelligence, but attraction comes down to much more than just academic prowess. And somehow, I never hear about guys like Neutral looking for smart black women down at the library either. If he did, he would certainly find more black women amoungst the stacks, than black men, if the statistics are to be believed.

But what it comes down to is that Neutral shows no more interested in “bookworm” black women than black women show in “bookworm” black guys. It would be nice if all the cute cheerleaders fell for the guys in the Chess Club, but that seldom happens in real life no matter what your culture happens to be. So why try to use this argument as a differentiating factor for just black women?

you offer some great insights, thanks. I’ve spent time in Latin American and I never did quite understand the classist and elitist attitudes about skin tone and color. It seemed as if the lighter your skin color, the more superior you were. As if they made great distinction to say that they had European/Spanish blood in them. Those who had Native Indian blood in them were called “mestizos” or worse.

“The world does not end and begin with America.”

Excellent point, Zindzhi! True, there is a great wide world out there to explore. It’s just a shame that an Asian American male might have to go to Asia to try and find a woman/wife. But you’re also correct and I’ve posted the same thought as well….be open to dating others and take happiness wherever you can. Life is too short.

that first commentator is um…rather bitter. and a lot of what he says is untrue. especially “You only see a comparative handful of black men in the colleges. They are ALWAYS bookworms and alone”

HAHA! are you kdding me? When i was in college, the few black men in the school couldn’t STOP getting ‘play’ from all kinds of girls. They knew they were a rarity and thus an object of desire for many. I dont know why the author of that comment couldn’t get a girl, but the few black men in my college were always getting girls. It got so ridiculous at a point, because they could have a different girl every week (no matter her race). Women like thugs when they’re not in college. Women in college are looking for someone they can have a future with and they will be looking for the next zuckerberg. Nerds rule the world now, hasn’t he heard?

I can’t tell you how frustrating it is to here the age-old stereotype that black women are chasing thugs. It’s ridiculous to think that the majority of Black women are after thugs, if that’s the case then you’re also implying the majority of black men are thugs…is that what you’re saying?

also stop with this crap about black men bookworms not getting any love…i ask a question…do black men tend to chase BLACK WOMEN bookworms, the nerds or do they go for the “dyme pieces” who end up being gold diggers…

if ur gonna stereotype black women as going after thugs, then be prepared to be stereotyped back…

you generalize all black women and then expect to be treated as an individual as a black man gimme a break…