Friday, November 30, 2007

Finding a path

Today was a bad mental health day for me. Let's face it, it isn't easy being crazy, not for the family and not for the crazy person. Some days I can control the OCD really well in my own head, I can keep the plan going, adjust as needed and stay together. My life always needs just one thing I can count on or one place to go to get calm, one clean orderly perfect room or a simple plan of action, if I have one of those, I can survive. Today I had none, and I kept trying to roll with everything and deal with everything changing quickly, but I was tired and crabby and just couldn't get everything to sit right in my head. When this happens I just fall apart, it is like trying to put a puzzle together, and each time you find a piece that fits, someone takes ten away. I had a meltdown, cried a bit and finally Ryan came and gave me a plan. He can be difficult a lot of the time, but he knows that I try so hard to keep everything together, that when I break, I break hard. He gave me a plan to get dressed, take Gray (b/c he makes me smile) and go to the farm market (which also makes me smile) and then to get a few other items. I got dressed, got Gray in the car and off we went. Driving has always calmed me, and driving through the country really makes me happy, and I let my mind drift to when we finally get to move to some land....The radio was going, I was singing, Gray was happy and we found the new market with no trouble. I came home calmer and happier.