9.8.11

Young man of the streets PEZ is one of the most attractive men in the rap scene. He invited me into his home for an exclusive look at his opulent crib.

PEZ met me at Circular Quay where we took a luxury yaucht to his waterfront crib. I was surprised when we sailed into a cave and were greeted by a fly bitch in an orange shirt.

PEZ's crib is a giant underground cavern! As he lead me deeper into the complex I started to notice shelves upon shelves of food. I asked if he was preparing for the apocalypse or some disaster, he explained that some of the food was here when he moved in (PEZ bought the cavern from a crew of pirates in 2008) and that was what started his obsession with eating expired foodstuffs! As he told me this he started eating a discoloured Mars bar "1991, good vintage".

I looked more closely at the shelves and it was true, here was a pack of Mentos 15 years over its best before date, a carton of milk 'use by Jan 16 2011'.

PEZ says that certain foods can miraculously change once they pass their use-by date, like Jesus emerging from the cave after being crucified or a caterpillar becoming a magnificent butterfly. "Only suckers buy sour cream," he explained "I just buy some regular cream and wait a few weeks". Other foods simply taste better once they have matured. PEZ says chocolate never goes bad, it turns white and is apparently delicious. One of his favourite snacks is mouldy bread toasted and served with Vegemite from the 1960s.

PEZ tells me that collecting expired food is half the fun, "Bins out the back of restaurants and supermarkets can be a goldmine for the expired food eater. You never know what you will find. I don't know why everyone eats brand new food when there is so much great old food out there waiting to be consumed!"

The health issues are not a major concern for the boy rapper, "I got sick a few times and my doctor told me to stop eating expired food. But doctors and scientists dont know everything".

Shit was so cash

PEZ's one piece of advice for aspiring rap singers: "Eat as much expired food as you can, the older the better!"

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