What its like Living in Arizona….

D’Anna: You have been warned: Enter state Capitol at your own risk

By John D’Anna The Republic | azcentral.com Fri Feb 28, 2014 10:13 AM

Went down to the Freddy Kruegerslature this week, a couple of days before the gov deep-sixed SB 1062, because I had a question for Mesa’s legislators. Namely, WTF — Where’s The Funding for education, protecting children and strengthening the economy?

It had been awhile since I’d been to the Capitol, so I was pretty surprised to see that the best parking spaces now have signs saying, “Reserved for Founding Fathers — No Priuses.”

The metal detector at the main entrance beeped when I went through, which was surprising because I’d left all my weapons in my car.

“Sorry, sir,” the Capitol police officer said. “You’re required to be armed in this facility.”

I offered to go back to my car, but he said not to worry — they had a nice selection of loaner Glocks I could use.

Packing sweet heat, I made my way to the rotunda, where I saw a bunch of business lobbyists holding their heads in their hands, muttering something about SB 1062 that sounded like, “Why, God, why?” and “Please, God, just one veto.”

A couple of environmental and education lobbyists tried to comfort them, saying, “Welcome to our world. We deal with this stuff every day.”

When the lobbyists looked up and saw me, one said, “Please, sir, for the love of all that is holy, don’t go in. It’s too late for us, but save yourself.”

Suddenly, there was a commotion around a guy who looked familiar. It was former Diamondbacks manager Bob Melvin, who said he was looking for the Bureau of Vital Statistics so he could legally change his name. He said he couldn’t stand the idea that someone might think he’s related to state Sen. Al Melvin. Speaking of the devil, a little farther into the inner sanctum, I saw ol’ Al himself getting an earful from Center for Arizona Policy’s Cathi “Don’t Call Me King” Herrod about his performance on Anderson Cooper’s CNN show.

“What do you mean you didn’t know he’s gay?” Herrod scolded. “You could have refused to go on his stupid program because of your deeply held religious beliefs. And by the way, quit complaining that Common Core math uses letters instead of numbers. It’s called algebra.”

About that time, I saw a guy who looked a lot like Mesa Sen. David Farnsworth chasing a chicken through the gallery hollering, “Come back! I’m trying to Constitutionally protect you!”

None of the legislators seemed to notice. They were all intently sounding out the big words in the American Legislative Exchange Council model bills they’d filed, like the one to change the state motto from “Ditat Deus” to “ALEC Macht Frei.”

Finally, I found an intern and asked where I could find Mesa’s legislators.

He said they normally sit by the Gilbert delegation, who were easily identifiable by their matching tin-foil hats. However, Sen. Bob Worsley had been sent home because he showed up wearing flip-flops.

“The rest are out to lunch,” the intern said. “Way out.”

As I was leaving, I ran into a bunch of clean-cut kids who said they were looking for the state calligrapher’s office. They said they wanted their diplomas changed from “Arizona” to “Alabama” so potential employers wouldn’t think they came from a whack state.

“For the love of all that is holy, don’t go in,” I told them. “It’s too late for me, but save yourselves.”