A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.

I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I’d rather dance with the cows till you come home.

I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls.

I’m not feeling very well, I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

My favourite poem is the one that starts ‘Thirty days hath September’ because it actually tells you something.

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

You’ve got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I’ll bet he was glad to get rid of it.

It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

Groucho:"So, Mrs. Smith, do you have any children?" "Yes, thirteen." Groucho:"Thirteen! Good lord, isn’t that a burden?" "Well, I love my husband." Groucho:"Lady, I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while."

I think that the Peeps or Peppies or Pipes diaries would be much more popular had there been a universal pronuncation of his name.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.

Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions – the curtain was up.

Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.

Groucho:"How much am I paying you folks?" "Five thousand a year. But we’ve never been paid!" Groucho:"Well in that case I’ll raise it to eight thousand."

Why don’t you bore a hole into your head and let the sap run out?

Well, Art is Art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And East is East and West is West and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh… Now you tell me what you know.

"I’m a big fan of yours, Groucho." Groucho:"If it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan."

"This is a gala day for you." Groucho: "Well, a gal a day is enough for me. I don’t think I could handle any more."

You’re heading for a breakdown. Why don’t you pull yourself to pieces?