Monday, March 28, 2011

Were you disappointed in the proceeds from your last fund raising bake sale?

Were you forced to eat 43 lbs. of stale brownies because you were too cheap to throw them away?

Was the profit not worth the aggravation?

You silly goose! You forgot this essential element...

LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION

The next time you need to raise some serious cash, find out where

is holding auditions. There you will be a line winding around the block filled with super sized hopefuls who need to weigh as much as possible for the tryout. Try have heavy baked goods on hand. Forget cream puffs, lay in some heavy slabs of pie.

Don't leave too early. The Biggest Loser losers will pass by your sale again, crying their eyes out and in need of comfort food when they don't make the cut.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

One of the exciting things about growing older is the chance to make the acquaintance of doctors that specialize in hitherto unacknowledged body parts.

Admit it. You have been lackadaisical about the preventative health of your bum haven't you? You are a vain and feckless creature whose greatest concern about your bum is how big it looks in your jeans.

As a public service, Larainy is going lead you gently by the metaphorical hand through a

screening colonoscopy.

Once there was a princess both beautiful and kind who went about her days spreading sunshine and eating whole grains. One day, while picking flowers in her garden, she met a wise old man. The princess knew the old man was wise because his face was wrinkled in a pattern that denotes cleverness.

Never one to pass up an opportunity for learning, the princess asked the wise old man what advice he had to give that would help her live a long and regular life . The wise old man removed his pointed hat and scratched his bald head with a gnarled finger. “Come here” he said, and he put in her hand a bag of fine white sand. “Mix this magic powder in a large cauldron of water and drink it glass by glass until every drop is gone.

“What will happen?” asked the curious princess.

“Time will tell” he said “but for heaven’s sake, don’t leave the castle. You will know the magic is working when you feel as light as a feather and as empty as a broken jug.”

The next day, the princess, once again met the wise old man in the garden. "I see by your milky white pallor that you have emptied the cauldron" he said. The princess nodded weakly. "Now go lie on under yon tree on that bed of grass and wait for the magic to put you to sleep."

The princess obeyed and as she slept soundly, an elf waved a magic wand and discovered all her hidden and potentially damaging secrets. When she woke up she was back in her castle and she had lost three pounds.

Monday, March 21, 2011

"Dance of the Tender Lambs" is full of sprightly dips and leaps and my dancing gown is made of diaphanous sparkling layers festooned with pastel ribbons. I also wear an egg inspired headdress that represents new life.

Too bad I missed it, the dance to celebrate summer arriving in the desert isn't nearly so pleasant. It involves copious sweating and minimal movement.

Let's see what you are doing to celebrate spring this year!

Sebastian says "I try to celebrate spring by graduating from something. The employment thing hasn't really worked out too well and Mom will let me live in her basement as long as I'm in school. In 3 weeks I'll be walking down the aisle with my Jiffy Lube certification."

Patricia has been dancing with the "Sassy Sistas" for three years now and will be performing at the Eloy Egg Roll in April.

Perrando hopes his Mom will let him quit the boys choir before the Easter Cantata because he is sick of singing like a girl.

Lucinda and Dorinda really hate it when spring rolls around because they have to put away the leather and both seem to lose some attitude when not wearing cowhide.

Loqueesha hates the traditional spring family photo because she is the middle child and always stuck wearing Koneesha's hand me downs.

Laverna plans to spend her spring break in Puerto Vallarta. "Those college kids are just so darn fun to be around, I wouldn't miss it for the world."

Bart and Posie Wallace always take the boys to Disneyland during spring break. Bart says, "We just can't get enough of those whirling tea cups. Little Wendell couldn't remember how to walk for three weeks last year."

Thursday, March 17, 2011

I can't believe I used to dread Spring Break. I wonder if it had anything to do with five little kids at home who all had their own ideas about recreation, limited funds and a husband who had to work through it?

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

I remember how excited I was to find out that the Jeopardy gang was coming to Wild Horse Pass to audition contestants. I couldn't figure out how they were going to choose super smart people in the middle of thundering herds of wild horses, but then I found out that Wild Horse Pass is a

casino

By the time I got there, the line snaked all the way through the slot machine cave and I couldn't see where it ended.

At first I wondered how they were going to identify all the super smart jeopardy hopefuls in the midst of all the gamblers. After a few minutes watching the zombies at the slot machines, I quit worrying.

In my hours spent in the slot machine cave I learned a lot about slot machine experts.

By the time it was finally my turn to take the ten question prequalifying Jeopardy test, second hand smoke had turned me into a nicotine fiend. I grasped the test with my yellow fingers, filled it out and turned it in with a trembling hand.

So, this is how the Jeopardy winners live huh? I straightened my shoulders and set my goal to ace the final test, laugh vivaciously and toss my hair during the on camera audition, win at least 10 games and/or $850,000 and move in to the Casita next to the tennis court.

After waiting a while, the group of about 100 was divided in half. My gang of 50 assembled in a nice conference room where we met Sarah Whitcomb, part of the Jeopardy Clue Crew

She told us about her glamorous life traveling and prying clues loose all over the world. She answered questions, she charmed us and showed off her excellent dental hygiene and then she turned into a mean school teacher and gave us the test.

It was fifty questions flashed on a screen with a rapidity that made my head spin. By the time I remembered the answer to #6 was Howard Taft, the answer to #11 was already Julia Roberts.

We killed time while our tests were graded and then reassembled to find out our fates. Jeopardy never tells you how miserably you failed or how stunningly you succeeded. They called out the names of twelve winners with agonizing slowness. There were 10 men and 2 women. None of them was me.

It's okay. I survived nicotine addiction for this man and anyway, I prefer to remember him like he was in the 70's when I still had all my brain cells.

Let us turn to the real experts, ordinary people like you and me, a neighbor, or that nice guy that works at the carwash that always gives you an extra squirt of "new car scent" free of charge.

Let us pose the vital question:

What is your most important fashion advice?

Russell from Omaha says "I first began building my own leisure suits when I earned the sewing merit badge in Boy Scouts. I find my work much easier now that I finally made the switch to scissors. It was hard to cut through polyester with a swiss army knife."

Vonda Toggie from Elko Nevada says "To me, volume is the key to beautiful fashion. I try to follow this simple formula."

hair with volume + voluminous accessories = va va voom

Woodeen Clark from Baltimore Maryland says, "I try to teach Cindy that attitude is everything. If you don't got spunk you ain't got nothin'. When you loosen up and lose the grammar you're halfway there."

Vonda Kay from Washington is also a believer in attitude. "Why do you think everyone in Seattle drinks so much coffee? You have to have energy to be a rebel and my style is all about rebellion. I don't even recycle."

Jaagup from Estonia admits he has changed since he relocated to Arkansas "I must feel I should wear American clothes to be fitting in splendidly. Mustache also in delightfully growing stages."

Harley from Phoenix says "What's the point of trying to look good when you spend three hours moussing your hair for school pictures and they don't use the black background. I look like a total freak. Hey idiots! I said option #3!"

Avonell from Dodge City Kansas says, "I have learned that I can't take a bad picture if I concentrate really hard and think about my cats. There is always an aura of serenity emanating from a person who is thinking about cats."

Dee Dee from Brooklyn, New York says "My sense of style finally began to develop when I discovered that the little green puppet in every family photo was not really my little brother. I have been Kermit free since the 80's. I don't think anyone looks good in felt."

Lyda from Waco Texas says, "My father Cleve has always had a strong fashion sense. I can't remember the time when he didn't choose the clothing for Mother and I. Obviously something is working because I have won 53 pageants and I can twirl a flaming baton and do a cartwheel wearing 36 yards of taffeta."