I am in the middle between passive and aggressive. But I prefer to plan things out with my fellow RPers so I don't mess them up. Although I do keep plot twists under wraps. I believe planning things out helps make for better posts so I do it often.

Favorite Genres:

Fantasy, sci-fi, post apocalyptic, parody.

Genre You DON'T Like:

No SMUT EVER. Not big on modern RPs, not a fan of Mass RPs due to past experiences. I may make exceptions though if an RP is particularly interesting. I will NEVER get involved with anything like yaoi or furry FYI, those I do not make exceptions with. Also not too keen on perverse RPs.

This is a thread where anyone can post and rant or just talk about what's troubling them in their life or something that bothers them, as a form of venting. You know the drill, this was at the past few Iwakus after all..

I am personally dealing with moving right now. Not the good kind of moving, moving because California has no opportunities for anymore. We're losing the house since my dad lost his job and my mom passed away, me and my brother can't get jobs here. But our family in Vegas offered to set me and my brother up with jobs, since they have connections. We're taking the offer and heading over there, there's lots of good apartment deals luckily.

I just gotta say, it sucks having to say goodbye to all your friends. Also sucks that I have NO idea when the home is getting foreclosed. I really wish it could have been avoided but, with no income and since none of us can get jobs here, it's inevitable. Politicians here are useless and out of touch so the retarded laws they passed earlier here in CA didn't help anyone who was losing their house.. <_<

BENEFACTOR

Local Time:

9:35 AM

Roleplay Invitations:

Not Taking RP Invites at this Time

My Usual Online Time:

5PM - 5AM Daily

I SPENT MONTHS BUSTING MY ASS TO MAKE NEWAKU BE KICKASS AND AWESOME AND IT WAS JUST FUCKING GETTING SWEET WHEN BOOOOOOOOM TAKE ALL MY DREAMS AWAY! ;_____; AND TO REALLY PISS ME OFF, IT HAD TOPIC TITLES BUT NONE OF THE POSTS! STUPID SERVER!

I lost Nocturne and Ashes. ;__; My favorite Iwaku roleplays. and Never Love Again even though Jinx never posted. c___c SHOULD HAVE BEEN CALLED NEVER POST AGAIN.

And then Isabella had to bring home nothing but Dr. Pepper, and he knows that gives me indigestion. >:[

On an Earth familiar yet distant, a small, Coalition-sponsored biological research team operates in the vast, desolate, eerie, chilly region of the Antarctic. Cutaway from civilization, communications with the Coalition sporadic and infrequent, the research team diligently survives in these harsh conditions. Living in a small assortment of militarized shacks, they huddled by their dying embers, studying development patterns in the wildlife of this Earth, comparing it to that of other Earths.

One day, communications flatline completely, the team abruptly cut off from their relay. Sending a small squad up a hill to investigate their relays, hours pass as the band of scientists refuse to return upon that hill. Growing worried, the rest of the team, yourself include, march up the hill, concerned that the blizzard winds had simply pinned the repair squad down. You can feel the winds pound against the layers of clothing, numbing your face, flares of white dancing before your eyes.

It is not long before you and the rest of the crew arrive at the top of the hill. Before you, a sight of unspeakable horror awaited. Crimson and bodily tissue was all merged together in one amorphous mass of flesh and bone, eyes, hearts, livers, guts, limbs- all merged together, forming some nightmarish blob of something that was once human. It is not long before the rest of the group panics at the sight of your former co-workers, your former friends, reduced to a screaming pile of ungodly mass.

Fleeing from the top of the mountain, taking a few causalities on the retreat, the relay station burns to the ground, short-lived fires braving against the freezing night. Returning to base, you and the rest of your team recuperate, trying to understand what unspeakable terrors are occurring. Scanning what little of the unknown biological matter you recovered, yourself and the team come to the revelation of a parasitic creature of alien origin. This parasitic creatures holds the disturbing trait of morphing the mass of it's consumed prey to mimic the appearance of an individual's species. Soon, a horrid revelation dawns...

Not all of you are who you seem.

Not all of you are human.

Welcome to Coalition Outpost 31

Welcome to Hell

---

A Murder Game/Tale based on the legend of John Carpenter's The Thing, players are scientists of Coalition Outpost #31, a desolate biological research station in the Antarctic region of an alternate Earth. Due to events unbeknownst to the players, a extraterrestrial vessel has crashed in the region, knocking out communications to Coalition HQ and severing the base from any supplies or information. Faced with an organism dubbed "the Thing", the Thing can shapeshift bodily matter to its own will to either disguise itself as a player, or if the time calls for it, morph into some ungodly, nightmarish, mutilated horror. It is the job of the players to learn about the Thing, exterminate all sources of it, or if the situation is dire, escape Outpost 31 alive.

Isolation, Paranoia, Cold, Murder, Insanity

Face all of these challenges and more as the secrets of Outpost 31 are slowly and slowly more unraveled. Discover and research about this foreign organism, in the hopes to understand the enemy and how to properly deal with them. Hold each other close, kindling bonds of relationships in times of utter desperation and hopelessness. Try to escape, if you can, braving through the endless seas of blizzards and white wastelands that lay beyond.

Do everything you must, but in the end, the question will remain the same.

Who are you?

---

I am going to keep most of the rules and such limited for now, as this will be happening I imagine much farther in the future. With Blood and Iron in my grasps for the future, I cannot do two ideas, so if anything, I might put this up for adoption if you will by someone who does not have something GMing at the moment. However, I will set up a few basic things I have conjured for this setting in terms of mechanics

-No Afterlife. No Mercy.-
-Survival is key. You are not fighting just the Thing, you are fighting the enivronment as well-
-This will be gory, as fans of the series may know. Tread lightly if you have a soft stomach-
-There will be two initial roles, though a maximum of three roles-
-There will be three endings to this planned. Possibly 4-
-Nothing is set in stone-
-This is a very rough outline of roles-
​

SurvivorsResearchers, scientists, guards, mercenaries- it matters naught who you are. You are the crew of Outpost 31. Your goal is simple- survive. Survive against the elements, survive against yourselves, and survive against the Thing that lurks around you. Utilize the resources around you, and, if you can, use your research base to study the threat that is lurking among you.

The ThingOne of you is not who you seem- you are the original, the alpha, the organism that started this madness. Your intentions are unknown, perhaps this is merely your primal instinct acting, perhaps this is the workings of ancient Gods. Who knows, what matters if that you are the only one that can infect others, "reproducing" your species. Destroy the Survivors, leave Outpost 31 barren with streaks of crimson.

The InflictedOnce, you were human, now, you are long gone from this world. Having been feasted upon by The Thing, you now seek to act as if nothing happened, keeping false smiles and false laughs as you murder your former loved ones. Although you cannot infect others like the Thing, you can still murder, and absorb some of their mass to shift your owns.
​

---

For now, this is it, a skeleton of what is to come. Feel free to comment on it. Thank you for reading.
​

I can be both. I like to work with someone on a plot or take turns. If someone else has a set plan and this is know before hand great. If not and its off the cuff thats fun too.

Im easy going and dont require someone to hold my hand in an rp. I like to just know whats going on in general or have a hand in it if asked.

A clear understanding of whats going on is all that is required. I hate getting confused. One on one rp's must have clearity. Group rp's must have order or establish at least a pace. I hate being igorned or unknowningly skipped.

Favorite Genres:

SciFi (end of the world are my fav( (Xeno ok.)
M-M
Furry
Modern
Romace
Fantasy
Magical

(In order of what I like best but please ask if you have any questions.)

Genre You DON'T Like:

Fan-based games. (Im sadly out of the loop of new ones. Older games I might have a chance.)

I hate dealerships and hate having to wait for my van to get fixed. Im without my van for a whole day and they never call when they say they will. Oh and the ride home from the dealership was a nightmare. The guy wouldnt shut up, he went the LONG way home after I told him the faster way *grumbles* .. and and...

Oh yeahs there is an AND... I had to get my carseat out of MY van and put it into the shuttle van, then take it out again once we got home.. So once my van is done, I'll have to drag it back into the shuttle then into my van AGAIN!! fucking hell!!!! why cant they have one for us... Ford has one.. but CHEVY? God Forbid!! fuckers...

BIKES BIKES BIKES. That's all you ever talk about. Get another hobby you freak.

There's more to life.

Jo, I'm sorry. So sorry. I used to think you are weird. Now I know why you sit there with your headphones on, never smiling, always miserable. Now I know... I'm sorry. You rock dude. We'll be undead together. Braaaaaaaaaaaains!

So... you're allowed to discuss your entire family politics over my head, but I'm not allowed to look at Iwaku. Where's the justice? At least I'm achieving more than you, rather than churning the foetid stool-water of your gene-pool's machinations.

I wonder if she's lonely. Does she yearn like me, for something more? Or is she numb like the others, nothing seeping past the eyes and face, nothing deeper. I wonder... and I guess I always will. Why jump the chasm when you fear to fall? I guess one day I'll answer that, when it's too late...

Why can't I walk properly through this office? I always have to put thought into it, so I don't walk funny. Maybe I walk funny when no one's looking. So much self-consciousness, just to get to the coffee... it's not even good coffee. Oh well, here I go. Time to move the camera to third person... I'm a character in my own TV show that's about to be axed... wheeeeee!

Dear Warehouse staff. I know it's hard, what with your knuckles dragging on the floor and the lack of opposable thumbs; but could you please try not to spill half your coffee when you make it? The kitchen is a fucking mess, and it only compounds the stereotype that all men are dirty bastards. And God knows there's enough cliches being reinforced in this place, without you gorillas dancing on the graves of our forefathers.

Hmm, not a bad coffee.

Yes, I've got my books arranged on my desk. Deal with it, Monkey-Boy!

I wonder if my Paladin will break his code and be forced to change his alignment? It usually happens. Maybe I can be the first Paladin in the history of D&D who doesn't compromise and simultaneously keeps his friends? I've got Palonis playing another paladin - maybe he'll be the one who falls and I'll have to hunt him down like Obi-wan.

What the hell? Now my coffee tastes like fish!

OHMIGOD!!! YOU WANTED GREEN SLEEPING BAG AND YOU GOT BLUE ONE? CRAAAAAAAAAAAWLING IIIIIIIIIIIN MY SKIIIIIIIIIIIN! I don't know how you get from one day to the next, seriously. I mean, how do you cope with the cruel twists of fate that are delivered upon you? Now all the other campers will laugh at you can call you Mister Blue Bag. THESE WOOOOOOUNDS THEY WIIIIIIIIIILL NOT HEEEEEEEEEEAL!!! How will your wife look at you, knowing that your bag is not the green one she has dreamed of since she was a little girl.... how will you kids deal with the fact that their father is a blue-bag? The Horror... the Horror...

Yes, that's it you two, gather around your supermarket bag. It is your temple now - your church of cakes and chocolate treats. For what else is there for you, you who will not see what I have seen, who will not feel as I have felt? What compensations for you, beyond the sugar loaded appeasments of a half-life? Do the greater things nag against your brain like a rusted blade? Or are you simply of a different sentience, one who has no concept of a higher metaphysic? As I will never feel the elasticity of time or the rumble of distant planets, so you will never know these thoughts...

Woohoo! 12.21 and I'm still not hungry. I might be able to starve myself and get my flat stomach back!

Paste paste past the copy paaaaaaasta! Email all the customeeeeeeeers!

Hmm... should I make the joke about blowjobs? I wonder how they'd take it...

Oh you whiney little bitch! Do you really think we want you to drag your whole domestic cesspit into our office? Get the fuck out and break up with your boyfriend on your own time you little cunt. No wonder he's a lazy fuckbag if you treat him like that - you've probably sapped his will to live you braindead harpy. Shut the fuck up and stop disturbing me before I vomit in your face.

How? How can you have the same laugh for EVERY single occassion. The exact same tone, style and duration. Is it just a reflex - you laugh at things that scare or confuse you? You strange little woman. Do you have any concept of how annoying you are? You're the reason people get pissed off with telephone operators.

So huuuuuuuuungry. Must be strong... no food till after run. Must get fit. Chicks dig clean arteries.

OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE! DO YOU HAVE TO RELAY EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS TO THE REST OF YOUR FAMILY? WHAT'S THE FUCKING POINT? ARE YOU ALL THAT DESPERATE FOR VINDICATION? IT'S NOT IMPORTANT - WHO GIVES A FUCK? THE CUSTOMER IS GONE, NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP. WHO CARES? JUST KEEP IT TO YOUR FUCKING SELF!

I can be both. I like to work with someone on a plot or take turns. If someone else has a set plan and this is know before hand great. If not and its off the cuff thats fun too.

Im easy going and dont require someone to hold my hand in an rp. I like to just know whats going on in general or have a hand in it if asked.

A clear understanding of whats going on is all that is required. I hate getting confused. One on one rp's must have clearity. Group rp's must have order or establish at least a pace. I hate being igorned or unknowningly skipped.

Favorite Genres:

SciFi (end of the world are my fav( (Xeno ok.)
M-M
Furry
Modern
Romace
Fantasy
Magical

(In order of what I like best but please ask if you have any questions.)

Genre You DON'T Like:

Fan-based games. (Im sadly out of the loop of new ones. Older games I might have a chance.)

I got my van back and the fucker that picked me didnt help me with the door, didnt help me with the carseat and the fucker didnt even say HELLO!!!!!!!!!!! he just honked the horn and waited for me.

He didnt say SHIT!!! all the way from my house to the dealership... WTF!!!!!!! the first one wont shut up and the second wont say a fucking thing!!

Fine FUCK YOU TOOO!!! you bitch.. oh sorry you had to leave your greas monkey garage to pick me and my son up you fuck! Sorry that your day was soooo inconvianced by my needing my van back you whore!!

Fuck you! and your stupid rap music and ugly ass piece of shit looking gotee thing on your face it looks like a shit stain.. was that from your boyfriend??? you ass monkey...

Methyline, my ADD meds taste so bad, and they make me tremble and thirsty.... Well, it's better than Adderal ... that shit literally makes me murderously angry and thirsty and hungry... They actually thought that the patch would do better, but it has more possible side effects than anything I've ever seen. No thank you.

Goddamit, brother! Tell me, WHY ARE YOU SUCH A GODDAMNED PRICK?! You're running out of money in your trust fund, you have bills to pay, community service to do, and all you're doing is drinking and partying! Good luck after you loose your license due to the fact that you have over four DUI's! No, mom and dad CAN'T give you money day after day! YOU'RE SAPPING US OF ALL OUR MONEY FOR STUPID SHIT! GET A FUCKING JOB AND DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR FUCKING LIFE! I'm so sick of the VICTIM ROLE YOU PLAY! "YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'VE GONE THROUGH!" SHUT THE FUCK UP! I DON'T CARE! ALL THE SHIT YOU'RE IN IS YOUR OWN FAULT! I was always here if you needed me, but you tried to do everything on your own! How's getting a new girlfriend by the way? A NEW ONE?! WHY BY GOD!? THAT'S FANTASTIC, WHAT'S THE SLUT'S NAME?! What number are you on? Is this number 440302? Did you find her in a bar or a frat party like the rest?

Tell me, is she a bitch like Catlin? Will she try to burn me with the straightener? Will she demand that you place me in a mental hospital like that bitch? Will she remark on my drawings? Does she wear top notch styles of clothing? Tell me, will she cheat on you like the others? Will she hurt you and make you cry until you grab a bottle? Will I be the one that has to console you, again?

Will she tell me how good you are in bed like the last three, like I want to hear about it? Will she tell me every bit of detail that she can?

Will she drive you to drinking, like the rest? Will I have to trick you into drinking water? "Oh yes, yes, yes! It's vodka, I swear!"

Will she charm mom and dad, or will they instantly know what kind of girl that she is? Will she try to drink me under the table? Will she taunt me?

Will I have to throw all of her shit out of our house, at her, like her perfume bottles?

Will I get so angry that I'll play pranks on her?

Will I put laxatives in her food when I make muffins or cookies for the three of us?
Will I scoop out the filling of oreos and replace it with similar looking toothpaste when she asks for oreos?

Will I try to confront you about her, and try and get you away from her?

Will I worry about you and drink until I forget all about it?

Will I try and not think about you?

WILL YOU MAKE MOM SO WORRIED ABOUT YOU THAT SHE STARTS GETTING SICK?!

Will mom and dad argue about how bad you are with money? Oh yes, I know they will.

I love you, but...... get away from my family, you have no idea what you're doing to them....

I can be both. I like to work with someone on a plot or take turns. If someone else has a set plan and this is know before hand great. If not and its off the cuff thats fun too.

Im easy going and dont require someone to hold my hand in an rp. I like to just know whats going on in general or have a hand in it if asked.

A clear understanding of whats going on is all that is required. I hate getting confused. One on one rp's must have clearity. Group rp's must have order or establish at least a pace. I hate being igorned or unknowningly skipped.

Favorite Genres:

SciFi (end of the world are my fav( (Xeno ok.)
M-M
Furry
Modern
Romace
Fantasy
Magical

(In order of what I like best but please ask if you have any questions.)

Genre You DON'T Like:

Fan-based games. (Im sadly out of the loop of new ones. Older games I might have a chance.)

Stop looking at me like Im insane. No I have to smile at your stupid ugly face and ask for your goddamn rewards card, and coupons and use your stupid earth bags... and yeah I know your fucking apples are organic... shut up and let me pack your shit.

Ungrateful moron with ugly kids and an ugly purse, I hate you and your coupons.

She knows that Fridays are the worst days in the week because everyone leaves everything to the last minute and what the frack does she do?! Head off to the snow with her bf leaving the rest of us to cope with the shitload of work that we could never possibly do in one day - let alone the fact that I had no idea what the frack was going on with the project!!! AND let alone the fact that EVERY SINGLE Frickin person was out of the office the whole day and I had the goddamn architects right up my ass!!!

Not to mention the fact that she told me at 4:30pm YESTERDAY that she was taking leave...

And not to mention the fact that she left me with very little information and I didn't know what to frickin expect for Friday!!!

I've been working overtime for the past few weeks!! My arms are killing me from typing constantly for 10 hours!!! 10 FRIGGIN HOURS!!! Stupid schools project!! If it weren't for the fact that the schools project is the only thing that is keeping the company going and from firing more people because of the great global financial crisis, then I would curse it to hell and tell it to go crawl underneath a rock and die!

I haven't had a proper lunch in frickin ages!!! I've been having shit sleep!! And I just want to take a day off but NOOOO... every time I take a day off, the next day I get friggin, 'OMG we were SO busy without you - I didn't know how to do this or that...'

More options

So everyone pretty much knows that I love what I do, and really there is no other place I wold rather be right now than our clinic a school. Every time I walk in at 7:30 in the morning until I leave at around 8:00 pm every night, I am happier than I am anywhere else. Our class has gotten so small now, we went from 30 to 8 people in a matter of a year. Maybe this program might be a little stressful and time consuming?

That being said, even though I do love doing what I do, I'm not too incredibly sure that I'm cut out for it. I try.. I try to study. And I do, I'm finding that my best method is to study with a group, but at the same time, it's hard for me to concentrate that way. Guys, I got my test yesterday and got through the first part fine, but when Dr. G came in with her Hematology portion.. EIGHT PAGES of fill-in-the-blank answers over shit that I didn't even remember going over. My eyes teared up. I have never, EVER, had a test in school make me cry in my life, but this one made me just want to crawl into a dark hole and die. I knew I couldn't do it. I got through it the best I could, bullshit some of it, and left a lot blank. And now I'm left wondering if I'm good enough to be doing this..

Same thing happened the night before. We were assigned a case study. I stared at that piece of paper for two hours, and finally just put my head on the table and cried in front of two of classmates. This freaked them out apparently, because they have never seen me cry. (Apparently, I have this huge 'tough girl' persona I had no idea about,. Go figure. e.e;) But I felt so helpless and so stupid.. and even though I want this SO BAD, am I good enough to get it? Am I just weighing myself down with too much? I'm trying to get my Sonography certificate at the same time.. so when the other students only have two classes, I have four. Two campus classes as well as the two I take online. In the past month, I have had to be taken to the hospital, and have had the flu, and I'm wondering if I am putting too much on myself. My family doesn't believe so, only because I've never really been the one to 'overachieve' at anything.. but these days I really wish they could see what my days are like.. I'm not complaining that mine are any worse than anyone else's, I just want them to see how I'm -not- just sitting on my ass all day doing nothing.. and why I'm always ready to drop the second I get in the door. Oh -- and did I mention the entire time I'm trying to get all of this schoolwork done, I was trying to WORK as well? That didn't end up working out. I had to quit because I had no time to do my online work.. and now I am dependent on my family for money once more.. which makes me feel horrible. Especially since I commute an hour every morning and every evening to get back and forth to school four days a week. You can just imagine the gas price on that little adventure.

Also, there is this girl in my class, and I know what you're thinking. "OH MY GOD, you sound like a second grader." I know. But hear me out on this one..

Not only does she talk back to the teacher to the point where you just want to throw one of our 60 lb books at her, but she always seems to find it necessary to be IN MY WAY when I am trying to get something done. We have three hours lab time for each of our labs. I understand her getting in my way if she was busy doing something just as I am, but she will stand in front of me, and just STAY THERE. To the point where I have to walk AROUND her. I mean.. I'm sorry if it's a bit harsh, but when I'm running around a clinic trying to get bloodwork on a dog done in a restricted amount of time, her happy little ass doesn't need to be standing right in FRONT of me.

She is one of those people who THINKS she is cute, and trying to be cute just makes her even uglier than she already is.

When we do workups on animals, part of the procedure is to draw blood for bloodwork. When you are assigned to a surgery patient, you are the one to take the blood in order to get your competencies. And since we need a large amount to get what we need to done, we always take blood from the jugular vein. Well, those who know me well know that I worked in a veterinary clinic for a year, and that I could take blood from everywhere else, but I never got a chance to try to hit the jugular, so I have a bit of trouble with it. And since every dog is different, you never know whether or not you will have a beautiful vein, or one that you have to feel for for twenty minutes before you're comfortable sticking it.

Well, this girl was assigned to be my partner on a dog, and that Monday I was forced to take blood for the first time, because she thinks it's her business to tell the teacher that I'm the only one who hasn't done it yet -- strike one. She hold the dog for me to hit the vein, and the entire time she is peering over my shoulder, pointing out little things and whispering them to me when I'm already nervous enough as it is. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. I HAVE A TEACHER RIGHT BEHIND ME WHO WILL TELL ME WHAT I NEED TO DO IF I FORGET.

Most of the time, what she tells me is wrong anyway..

And afterward, when we're both runnig our blood work, she gets out al the supplies for everything we need, which is all fine and good. But, when she leaves, I go back into the lab and what do I find? Bloody wipes on the counter, the blood film stain is still out, refractometers lying on the exam table, and blood and alcohol left splattered on the inside of her sink. WHO DOES THAT? That is NASTY! Not to mention very damaging to our equipment, which is NOT cheap. So I was left to clean up the entire lab by myself before I could go home. And she lives two minutes away as opposed to my hour. I got home at 9pm that night because of her, and she got to be home at 6.

..Strike two.

And then yesterday, we were having our bandaging lab in nursing. We put a cast on the instructor's big dog, and I was chosen to put a spoon splint on a chihuahua... oh grand. I started my splint, and had the doctor behind me helping me out should I forget what to do, and I am in the middle of bandaging the leg when this same girl decides to just walk up and start petting the leg. I gave her the most evil 'go die' face I could muster before saying 'Uh, excuse me, I'm kinda in middle of something here..'

I feel like I'm not really living up to the expectations of my personality here by not saying more than I do to her, and believe me when I say that I have PLENTY to say the second she does something like this to me. I really... REALLY.. do NOT like her, and usually I don't have a problem telling you I don't like you, but since we have to work together on a daily basis, it works out better for me just to try and make her think I tolerate her, when I'm really on the verge of taking her head off with a scalpel blade.

I suppose I'll let her know what I think of her the night of the pinning ceremony. You're all invited to watch ;3

Then I suppose the last thing is what makes me the saddest..

My best friend told me ... eh, about six months ago now, that they were planning to move to Ohio at the end of June. I was devastated at the time, because she has been my best friend for over ten years now, she is the only one who truly knows me inside and out, and there is not another person on this planet like her. And now, she was moving to Ohio for.. a guy, and leaving me here alone.

Pretty selfish, huh?

Well, she never moved. They went up for a visit with some friends of theirs, and it didn't work out. I felt at ease for a bit. Relieved that she didn't seem to be going anywhere anytime soon. In these adt two weeks, she told me that she got a part-time job in a daycare after getting her certificate in Child education, and that they were trying to get her into a full-time position. Yay!

Well, we went to dinner last night and she told me she had something to tell me. It had been so long since this stuff had come up, that this wasn't even what came to mind when I told her to shoot.

She is moving to Ohio at the end of next month.

..So.. to sum everything up, I'm starting to get stressed to the point of burnout and exhaustion, and it is making me physically sick. I'm annoyed as hell by one person at school who would make everything better if she would just leave, and the one dearest to me that I don't want to leave is moving away for good..

I know some of the others who saw me must think me heartless or jaded for my apparent lack of emotion. I was sad, but I couldn't cry. I would have liked to have been able to cry, even if only to make them feel better, but instead I could only stare. I have no qualms against crying over a death, but instead I just I felt a weak denial.

I kept thinking, "Why? How?"

Not at God. At people. At the killer. He was angry. So what? People have to deal with it all the time without killing. I'll deal with my anger at him without killing.

I keep reaching the same conclusion, and some part of me seems to be puzzled that when I confirm to myself the killer's error, the incident doesn't somehow become undone, returning the victims to life.

Instinct is like that.

I know about the real world. People die, kill, and are killed. Some people risk their lives for the stupidest reasons. Some people are ungrateful when you help them. Other suffer in need and are passed over. Some abuse others. Innocent people suffer.

I've been told by some to blame God. That doesn't make sense to me. Regardless of what one may feel toward natural causes of death and accidents, the people who inflict suffering still aren't automatons. The have as much free will as the rest of us. This destruction is how they choose to squander the power they do have over their own lives and others. And it bothers me.

There's so much about this world I wish I could fix. I take steps, but I know it needs far more than I could ever provide. I know better than to give up, though.

So when I want some escapism, some magic, clear good versus evil, and some instances were the good guys save the day and everybody lives for once, it's not that I'm afraid of reality and suffering and death. It's not even that I don't understand it. It's not that I'm afraid of writing it or writing about it. I do, but I generally don't come here for that.

It's just that sometimes I want a break from it. Sometimes I just want to play in such a way that it actually feels like I'm playing instead of being asked to bring a bag of grave soil to the playground to show I mean business.

So I'm the loser that never seems to hold a job longer than six months. I've tried all sorts of places- even telemarketing! I'll end up getting laid off, or just let go even though I work my -ass- off and still, I get rude comments like...."She just doesn't fit in, or she looks -weird-". Then bam, I am gone without even a decent paycheck to see me through the month. So I end up having to move- and travel, and move and live with roommates that sometimes even criminals in a jailcell would rip open with knives their first night dealing with them. Mom calls me the loser that doesn't try, dad calls me a forsaken retard that is not going to ever be successful. Maybe it's true. I can't even get SSI. I live with boyfriends or other people out of state and the entire outcome is the exact same- I'm packing my stuff and down the road again. Only this time, if I end up moving,I will be perma-homeless. Yay! I could go back to my TCIM job, and everytime they let me go for more hours- just go back and try again? Dunno, but this is the sucky part: IM CERTIFIED GODDAMNIT! IN BUSINESS TECHNOLOGY! WHY CANT I HAVE JOB?! Oh wait--- because Oklahoma is a deuschbag. Nevermind. Mom went to college for Business, and she's working at grocery stores and shopping centers like a highschooler. Me? I'm lucky if I can even work as a janitor, plus-- let's not forget I have UMBILICAL HERNIA-- which means- all my stomach contents are pushing out of the lining and it could rupture if I lift over 10 pounds! Oh but the hospitals can't operate on me until it -does- rupture, so I have no choice but to keep dealing with this, as I have been for 2 years now. Sometimes I get pissed off at Darin and want to drop all my stuff at mom's house and kick dad in the nuts for being such a BITCHCUNT who hates his own kid- and then just walk down a long road until I just die from starvation and exauhstion. Its not like I'm getting anywhere in life by trying. I've already had my own place once before and it was roach motel- so I guess even if I earn it, I can expect not to ever get anything nice. Yay! "So -- we all have great jobs! What do you do for a living?" Me:........."Can I die now?"

I'll try just about anything. I'm not overly into RPs where the prime focus is romance. I'm not too hyped on fan based anime rp either.

Constantly Fighting the Demons in my past.........

Why does everything have to be so hard ? Is it just me? Every move I make away from my old life style its like i take two back. If you have tattoos and piercings in my city the cops take no time in labeling you as a Lawless Drug addict) Personally, I'm just trying to hold my job and stay out of jail long enough to gain a little weight. All my friends are still loving life while I'm faced with the harsh reality that is Life, fucking disaster.

I have a lot of things that are currently being held hostage by a PSYCHO GIRL who seems to think, even after a solid year, that we are still together. She has most of cloths, and my furniture locked in her fucking garage. In the mean time, after throwing my cell phone in the Eagle valley river, she continues to call, and call and call, even going so far as to leave messages for my neighbor who is nice enough to lie and say I'm not home. I honestly wish she would get her Lip ring caught in a toaster, FRY THE BITCH ALIVE!!!!! (Jk, but sometimes I wish she would disappear)

I Am trying to deal with these things all the while keeping my mind intact, its hard to say the least. Since I have all but abandoned my life of fun and excitement I am left alone and friendless (Except for a select few online friends who are very dear to me and you know who you are, I honestly Love y'all) with not a single person, save my near worthless neighbor who is only good for a beer every once in a while, to share my struggles.

I was supposed to go out with a foreign exchange student that I liked, but she had to cram for some paper shiz coz she's going out of town for 5 days.

I was pissed, so I hooked up(read: affection-less sex) with an old fubu instead of going to her school to meet my best friend(who's going out with another foreign exchange student). But I forgot that the last thing I texted the first chick was to tell me when she's free. And so she did, just now.

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