Ashton-under-Lyne citizens subjected to universal Income Decimating System probe

A massive shake-up in benefit systems has been launched in Greater Manchester, with the first claims being made for a new universal credit payment known as IDS or the Income Decimating System.

Over the past few months, selected citizens of Ashton-under-Lyme have been involved in close encounters of many kinds with superior beings. Many have since claimed to have been probed to within an inch of their existence.

Cindy Beardsmore, a single mother of five claims to have been probed several times. “The last time it happened I got a visit from a team of IDS representatives all wearing blue suits. They turned me upside down and gave me a massive shake-up until all the loose change fell out of my pockets onto the lino. They also threatened to abduct the kids as part of a new universal workforce development programme and fit me with a solar powered vagina taser to prevent any future procreation.”

An IDS representative sent this message via a very high frequency signal from his base on the planet Zarg, “Many of the claims you have heard from citizens are false. Our leader has proved that merging benefits into one universal pay-out will secure the future of mankind and prevent possible alien claims to our resources.”

Citizens will be required to make claims via a complex computer system involving interaction with a hologram and a small hook on a stick. “We’ve made it as simple as possible. For example, disabled people will be given two hooks and given three goes instead of one.”

Charitable organisations have criticized the scheme which they say will create money management issues for thousands of families. A spokesman from Shelter said, “The IDS system fails to differentiate beer and fag money from money used in the purchase of scratch cards and other necessities. It is doomed from the start.”