Child Sexual Abuse and Narcissism

Narcissism is a serious disorder that has far reaching effects. Our obligation to understand demands informed awareness. Having placed a focus on trauma, my professional work includes treating both parental narcissism and child sexual abuse. Is there a connection? Oy, what an understatement! But, let me be clear. Of course all narcissists are not sex offenders, but child sex offenders display narcissism in its most destructive form.

When treating adult children of narcissistic parents, I have observed a major factor that releases shame and turns the corner for the advance of recovery. That factor is realizing that the narcissistic parent has a serious disorder. And, that this disorder is not the fault of the child. The child understandably internalizes that it must be their fault or they would be loved and treasured. In recovery, the adult understands that the parental behavior was not about them at all...but instead about the limitations of the parent. This huge relief is the precursor for healing work to begin. For adult children of narcissistic parents, realizing that the parent truly cannot love unconditionally or express empathy in a genuine manner is difficult and painful. It is also the expressway to freedom. It's the understanding that the parent may have a bike, but no legs to ride it. Or the parent sees the rainbow, but is colorblind. Limitations are limitations. In the five-step recovery model developed in my work for adult children of narcissistic parents, this level of acceptance is the first and foremost step to moving ahead. Given the need of the small child to depend on the parent for their physical and emotional survival, denial of the parental disorder is a needed defense mechanism in childhood. To do otherwise is terrifying to the child. In recovery, however, it must be embraced and exposed.

When treating victims of child sexual abuse the initial focus is exactly the same. My experience has shown that even after years of therapy with assurance that the sexual abuse was not their fault, the victim continues to carry the shame. Somehow the child feels they must have caused this behavior in the parent. "But, I did get extra attention." "I was the favored child" "I did accept the gifts." "Sometimes the touching felt good so I must have liked it." "I want to love this parent, so if I believe it is my fault, I can still hope for genuine love."

But, enter the profile of a sex offender...the ultimate narcissist. Whose needs are more important? Does that offender think of the child and what that child needs? Are the child's needs put above their own? Is the offender aware of the life-long devastating effects on the child? Do they consider the fact that self-esteem, trust, and healthy sexuality will be a life-long struggle? And, that the child is at risk to carry the shame forever? Do they care? No they don't. Then add the child's burden of keeping the secret that is embedded by the sex offender's manipulation and grooming. Pile on a culture that sadly encourages this denial.

The sex offender is concerned about his or her own desperate needs. Sexual gratification is met at the expense of the child. The child is an object to be used for them. That child has no voice, is manipulated, and controlled. Because child sexual abuse is weirdly done with affection, the attention is disingenuous. So, how would the child know? It is not what it appears to be, similar to other kinds of narcissistic parenting.

Is it any wonder that victims of child sexual abuse and children raised by other kinds of narcissistic parents grow up with shame, confusion, self-blame, and feeling it must be their fault? That they report there must be something wrong with them? With the alarming statistics that 1 of 3 girls and 1 of 6 boys will be sexually abused before they reach the age of eighteen, we must unanimously agree that denial of such an insidious and child shattering problem is a monumental societal illness.

The cornerstone of narcissism is lack of empathy. Narcissists do not see or realize the impact their behavior has on others. They do not step into someone else's shoes. They see their own needs. Their sense of entitlement is paramount. This is why you hear mental health professionals say that sex offenders are difficult to treat and that full-blown narcissists are treatment failures. Narcissists typically blame the victim. They see it as someone else's problem.

Who says that the "get over it already" belief system works? It doesn't. Without treatment for adult children of narcissistic parents or children of sexual abuse, the trauma if not released is carried. It is worn like a heavy wool coat that suffocates and creates destructive life patterns. Sometimes those patterns include acting out the very trauma that they themselves experienced. Many sex offenders were themselves victims of child sexual abuse. Many narcissistic parents today had narcissistic parents themselves.

So, what makes the difference? How can we stop it and therefore have the greatest influence for a healthier culture of human beings? How can we stop hurting children? The answer lies in accountability, awareness, education, and ultimately strong recovery programs. We could stay in denial. Keeping big white elephants in pretty external living rooms is easier in the short run. But, in the long run, that elephant grows and begins to take up emotional space and energy. This ultimately consumes individuals, families, and eventually whole cultures. Knowing that it is okay and profoundly important to speak out and embrace the unspeakable is the first courageous step. Recovery is a huge blessing for all. William Shakespeare, in Sonnet 116, states, "Love...is an ever-fixed mark, that looks on tempests, and is never shaken." The violent storms caused by elephants in living rooms need to be stilled and calmed. How do we do that? We talk about it! There's predictably a frightening stir when that elephant is released, but the aftermath of trauma understood and processed is a state of tranquility understood only by the courageous and brave.

The Let Go...Let Peace Come In Foundation is a newly formed nonprofit with a mission to help heal and support adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse worldwide. We are actively seeking adult survivors who would be willing to post a childhood photo and caption, their story, or their creative expressions to our website www.letgoletpeacecomein.org. By uniting survivors from across the globe we can help provide a stronger and more powerful voice to those survivors who have not yet found the courage to speak out. We also have a prepared a youtube video that can be viewed at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b4PDC03Gl2k. Together we can; together we should; together we NEED to stand up and be counted. Please visit our site for more details on how you can send us your submissions. Our website provides an online support network for survivors, remember, you are not alone!

The stats sound very big -- is there a citation for them? Will check google.

Are there neurocognitive circuit disorders identified for narcissism?

Of course, abuse is an inherited, intergenerational brain impairment that gets passed from parents to children to grand children and reaches well into the past and future -- without diagnosis and treatment. So, our understanding is that, the abuser was a victim as well.

Our perspective is that these behaviors are all symptoms and not the underlying brain impairment so "symptom chasing" is a risk.

Our perspective is also that sex addiction is a core illness in many cases. Sex addiction is the real "dirty secret" in families ands relationships and probably will never be treated as the very serious illness it is. Can you imagine the field day Tea Partiers and holy rollers would have with a grant to study sex addiction!!

Sex + Violence -- A recent Nature study found a fascinating relationship in the brain of some mice between the sex and violence parts of the brain. Very preliminary but hyper-defense and therefore hostile-aggressive rats (abusers?) seem to only be able to calm themselves with sex.

There is also some fascinating research on abuse and oxytocin we'll post on later. Stay tuned.

Bottomline, abusive people are very sick and very destructive but not monsters and inhuman. Their behaviors are driven in the same way normal and even pro-social behaviors are driven -- but with seriously "broken" brain circuits -- which they inherited from their parents. Whose then to "blame?"

Who is to blame doesn't really matter. Until the disease model for narcissistic parenting and abuse can be proven, what good does it do for the people most affected (the children)? What really matters is waking up to the ugly realities we prefer to ignore: that parents can and do fail to love their children, and that this can have very devastating effects. If people don't know what narcissistic parenting looks like, they won't know to report it for investigation by CPS.

If the narcissists don't see anything wrong with themselves, how is anyone served by a disease model? They still won't think they need any treatment, and no one will be able to force it on them.

Is anyone tired of hearing that narcissism is the cause of bad behavior? I am. It's not only a symptom, but the cause of itself! How it does this remains a mystery. Thankfully, narcissism is being removed from the list of disorders within DSM-5 and will simply be viewed as a trait.

In reference to the perception test where a human, instructed to keep his eyes on the ball, misses a 6ft gorilla walking across the court...

An important step in trying to open conversation about the elephant/gorilla in the room: that of teaching the average sheeple to actually SEE it.

When I was a child (and, of course, as an adult too), people saw what was placed before them and the most dastardly parents--from physical, emotional, sexual abuse--were more often (really) the most well-coiffed, well-placed, well- respected adults (usually respected for money, wealth, breeding, or public presentation--not for kindness or generosity).

All the well meaning adults, child services etc. watched the poor "trailer trash" like hawks and every once in a while would catch someone doing something that would justify the watching...

But no one saw (or pretended not to see) the high school coach groping the cheerleaders, or questioned why the minister's son was such a timid, skittish child. After all, things like that don't happen in nice, respectable families. And in the cases where it is known, the personal ramifications of stepping up is viewed as worse than the possibility that a rumor may be true (in a small county town, to whom do you report the sheriff who regularly gets drunk and beats his teen son?). Mentally, the informed also classify the child as an object. As long as the coach wasn't groping "my" daughter (because I warned her not to be alone with him) then what happens to any other girl is her father's business. We are all accessories to crime and often, willingly--Pontius, meet Pontius.

Narcissistic traits are rampant in the rich & powerful for a reason; we need to get over our Disneyfied, father-knows-best, charles-in-charge, hanna montana idea that its fallout doesn't exist behind the scenes. Our collective suffering of normalcy bias will be our undoing, not the individual psychosis.

She had to repeat, and re live the horror of her attacks over and over again until it was determined that there is just evidence in the findings to file the matter.

Unfortunately, Almost 1 year after the initial date of discovery; The case is still at a stand still as her cries are slowly fading into the abyss as the known statute of limitations is quickly approaching.

Other matters in Solano County have taken precedence over her cries. The other matters have drowned out the sound of her one voice.

Making the cold words of her attacker ring true, "No one will listen..."

Solano County is overwhelmed with criminal cases and understaffed with This case is still under review with numerous cases coming in daily taking priority over it.

It is my goal to make sure that her voice and the voices of so many other children is heard loud and clear by the ears of justice.

In the interim, Reginald Hill roams free as he is currently on parole for an unrelated crime Case# FCR232671 and is being supervised by a high risk unit.

He has since be re arrested on charges of spousal abuse Case# FCR293790 and released.

With not so much as a parole hold preventing him from continuing his spree of sexually, physically, and mentally abusing others it begs the question, Is anyone listening?

Since 2002 Reginald Hill has been named in 7 Criminal Cases on Solano, Madera, and Sacramento counties with criminal charges ranging from Probation violation DUI, Drug trafficking, Spousal Abuse, & even Kidnapping.

Most have been dismissed due to a technicality or legal loophole. He just keeps slipping through the cracks of the justice system.

Please help me persuade the Solano County District Attorney to make this case a PRIORITY to get this man off the street.

A little girl has used her voice to expose an accused sexual predator who has been welcome in the home of so many.

She has lost friends and loved ones. She has endured the hardship, embarrassment, and ridicule that comes with telling the truth about such a taboo topic that no one likes to hear about.

She's been taught that when you tell the TRUTH it will set you Free!

Her voice alone may not be enough to be heard. But, When we all lift our voice in unison with a mighty cry that says, STOP IGNORING SEXUAL ABUSE!

Will you Listen? You can help her voice be heard and help make a real change.

Please sign this petition so that Solano County will try Reginald Hill for the crimes named against him in Suisun PD # 11-1955 before the limitations run out.

UPDATE: Yesterday Reginald Hill was found GUILTY on all chargess! He will spend the next 5 years in prison. He will have to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life. He has a strike. He has to submit to AIDs testing randomly for the rest of his life.
He has to submit his DNA to the state of California and have it registered.

My son has been sexually abused by his father, but has not disclosed to 2 forensic interviews. He did disclose at one hospital visit, but that doesn't seem to matter. His father has stopped touching him for now because he is under the spot light. It is amazing that since I am divorced from the father, that I have been treated by CPS as my motivation of these allegations being about a motive other than to help my son. I am not vindictive person, but someone who too wants to have justice served. I have told my son that it is not his fault and he tells me it is because he wasn't suppose to tell the secret.. He is only 5 and can't stop his father from doing these things. It is so disturbing that the district attorney's office can't prosecute.

I know 2 females (grown women now) who were molested as little girls. They both suffer from depression. at times the depression is overwhelming to them to the point where it really interferes with their every day living. One has has fairly extensive therapy, with very little, if any, benefit. The same one has taken a number of medications for it. At first they helped, but then she needed a higher dose (or a new med) and had serious side effects that made it even more impossible to work. Now she's stuck in limbo with no help in sight.

Why do I always see videos and articles about Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers and not narcissistic fathers? Or topics on the sons of either one? Do the N mothers most often sexually abuse the daughters more than N fathers?

I'm just very curious why she wrote a book about narcissistic
mothers exclusively, and then sited only that book in relation to
this article when the overwhelming majority of sexual offenders
are male. I've found a huge bias in the general population when
it comes to narcissism, following the sexist stereotype of the
selfish shrew, and the ridiculous Freudian nonsense of
competition between mothers and daughters.