Change a Negative to a Positive

Just by Changing the Words You Use

By Harriet Meyerson

How often do you think about the meanings of the words that you use every
day? Like most people, do you just utter the words that seem to flow naturally
from your mouth? Some of the words that you commonly use may actually
have a negative influence on people. This can create a negative relationship
with the very people with whom you would like to have a good relationship.

Here are some places where you might run into trouble by inadvertently
using negative words: leaving a message on an answering machine, talking
with a colleague at work, chatting with a neighbor, meeting with your
children's teachers, and relating with your family and friends.

Here's how you can eliminate six commonly used negative words and replace
them with positive words.

PROBLEMS become SITUATIONS

A negative statement would be, "I have a problem at work." Contrast this
with the more positive, "I have a difficult situation at work."

A problem seems as though it is stuck to you and will always be
there. It weighs heavy on your shoulders. A situation, on the other
hand, seems temporary and solvable. It has a much lighter feel to it,
and it won't cause as much anxiety.

ALWAYS and NEVER become OFTEN and SELDOM

A negative statement would be, "You never take me anywhere. We always
stay home and watch TV." Contrast this with the more positive, " Since
we seldom go out in the evenings, and we're often so tired we just watch
TV, I get frustrated. I would love to have a special evening out with
you. Can we plan one together?"

Always and never are negative words because they are rarely
true and exaggerate a situation. Since they are usually used to criticize,
people feel attacked and become defensive. The worst part is that others
may focus on your exaggeration and entirely ignore your message. In the
second statement, however, you are explaining your own feelings and desires,
so there is no need for your partner to get defensive, and you are more
likely to get your wish - an enjoyable evening out.

SHOULD HAVE becomes COULD HAVE

A negative statement would be, "You should have worked on that management
report instead of filing papers." Contrast this with the more positive,
"You could have worked on that management report instead of filing papers."
Using the words, should have, creates guilt and shame for something
that has already been done and cannot be changed, whereas the words, could
have, don't condemn anyone. They let someone know he or she had a
choice, and this experience then becomes a lesson for making better choices
in the future.

BAD becomes UNWISE

A negative statement would be, "You were really bad for missing work
when we had a deadline to meet." Contrast this with the more positive
"Missing work when we had a deadline to meet was not a wise decision.
The rest of us had to work overtime. Would you please find a way to make
it up to us."

Using the word, bad, is a judgement of a person's character, and
causes resentment. On the other hand, using the word, unwise, refers
to the natural consequences of the person's actions, and doesn't judge
a person's basic character.

FAULTS become DIFFERENCES

A negative statement would be, "One of his faults that drives me crazy,
is that his desk is always a mess." Contrast this with the more positive,
"One of the differences between us is that he keeps his desk messy, while
I get frustrated unless everything is put in its place."

In using the word, faults, you are judging someone's actions as
right or wrong. Using the word, differences, removes the critical
tone, because you are pointing out how you are different, not that one
person is right or wrong.

MISTAKES become VALUABLE LESSONS

A negative statement would be, "You made a mistake." Contrast this with
the more positive, "There is a valuable lesson in what you did." The first
way makes others feel ashamed of what they did, and will probably inhibit
them from trying new things in the future. The second way gives others
something positive to do - to learn from their actions, thereby encouraging
learning and experimentation.

The bottom line is that words can either be destructive or enriching
to your relationships with other people. So, before you allow the words
to simply flow out of your mouth without considering what they mean, remember
this one very important word - THINK.

By Harriet Meyerson, president of the Confidence Center in Dallas,
Texas.