"One Of the great sweetnesses of life is to be deeply known and still beloved."

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Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Why do I Keep Holding on to You? - The Sorrow of Unrequited Love

Most people will
eventually heal after a relationship ends, especially if both partners have mutually
agreed to separate. With helpful guidance, they learn from their mistakes, get
comfort from friends, and ultimately commit to a new relationship.

Sadly, it is
a very different story if one partner walks out when the other is still
attached. The anguish of being the rejected partner in an aborted relationship
can be devastating. Some people experience unending grief, ruthless pessimism,
and a deepening fear that love might never happen for them again.

I have spent
many hours with these deeply saddened, abandoned partners who cannot seem to
get past their losses. I have listened to their stories of one-sided
relationship endings and their confusion as to why they cannot seem to make
love last.

If people
are repeatedly abandoned in sequential relationships, others often judge them
harshly. These consistently rejected lovers too often find themselves on the other
then of well-meaning friends who push them to “just get over it,” or that they are
somehow responsible for the relationships not working out.

That is so
rarely true. Most who suffer prolonged grief have usually tried everything they
knew to make their relationships work. When they are once again left behind, they
are in understandable confusion and sorrow, wondering if the pain will ever go
away.

In the many years
I’ve worked with these often repetitively abandoned partners, I’ve been able to
help them see how the way in which they approach relationships may have
something to do with why they end. Armed with that knowledge, they are better
able to understand what they might have done differently.

Following
are the most common personality characteristics and behaviors that many of
these patients have shared with me, in hopes they will be able to help those
who still live in prolonged suffering after being rejected by someone they
still love.

The Ten Most Common Reasons Why People
Can’t Let Go of a Lost Relationship?

1)Innate Insecurity

It is
natural for people to feel insecure when threatened by the loss of something
that matters deeply to them.If their comfort
is disrupted by an unpredictable threat, most people have mastered defense
mechanisms that help them overcome their legitimate feelings of sadness and
fear. Over time, they are able to move on.

Sadly, there
are people who suffer deeper levels of anxiety and may also have had multiple
losses from the past. As relationship partners, they may have more difficulty
rebalancing when abandoned by a once-trusted partner. They feel significantly
more helpless and hopeless, as though they will never be able to trust love
again. Sometimes, almost unable to function, their pain overcomes any hope that
they will ever get better.

2)Topping Out

If people
feel that they have finally found the “perfect relationship,” and their
partners then walk away, they may despair that they will never find a love this
wonderful again. Relationship partners who have experienced these kinds of
one-way abandonments may have always dreamed of having a special, reliable, and
loving partner. Yet, upon finding someone who seems to fit the bill, they may
become too fearful to inquire as to whether or not their partners have had the
same desires or expectations.

When they
believe they have found that perfect partner, they put everything they have
into the relationship, hoping against hope that it will never end. Any warning
signs from the other partner are often ignored until it is too late.

3)Childhood Abandonment Trauma

Children are
too often helpless pinballs in a life game that tosses them from relationship
to relationship, usually unable to affect the outcome. These early experiences
make them more likely to either distrust relationship partners or try too hard
to over-trust them. Their insecure attachments to their care takers in early
life too often cause them to become overly-fearful adults, unable to let love
in for fear that inevitable loss will occur.

People with these
kinds of fears of attachment may believe that they are fully in the game of
love but, instead, are self-protective and unable to risk genuinely committing
to a relationship. They see security as elusive and out of their control, but
earnestly continue to fully commit without careful discernment.

That underlying
fear too often frustrates the people who try to love them. They often end up
discouraged and have to leave the relationship, recreating childhood
abandonment trauma in the person they leave behind.

4)Fear of Being Alone

If a person
is fearful that love will never happen, he or she will often tolerate neglect,
abuse, or disingenuous behavior just to stay in any relationship. If their
relationship partners continue to participate in these uneven investments, one of
two things will happen: the other partner will begin to feel too guilty to
stick around, or will stay in the relationship while simultaneously search
elsewhere for a better deal.

5)Relying Only on One’s Partner for Self-Worth

It is
dangerous for any intimate partner to allow the other to be entrusted as the
sole definer of that person’s basic value. Like putting all one’s eggs in the
same basket, there is bound to be total devastation if that belief does not
result in a positive response.

If that
partner chooses to end the relationship, the rejected partner has only that one
person’s negative self-image to rely upon. They can only find fault in who
they’ve been, what they’ve done wrong, and that they may always be unlovable to
anyone else.

6)Fear of Failure

There are
people who are literally terrified of failing at anything, and relationships
are just one piece of the puzzle. They give their all to whatever they pursue,
and can’t face that their efforts might not bear out in something as important
as a love relationship.

In their
fear of failing, they too often either overreact when something seems to be
going wrong, or miss crucial cues because of their hyper-vigilant focus.

When their
partners leave the relationship, they often take all of the blame, feeling that
they should have done more or better. Often that self-denigration makes each
succeeding partnership more susceptible to failing for the same reasons.

7)Romantic Fantasizers

Relationships
that thrive are not romantic in the storybook sense. Though they begin, as all
new love relationships do, with mutually seemingly unconditional acceptance and
forgiveness, they must eventually work out the differences and challenges that
all long-term commitments create.

Those who
are dedicated to holding on to romantic fantasy, however, are a different
breed. These partners want to be all things to their lovers, as though in a
cloud of intensive and ongoing rapture. When the normal disruptions of life
intervene, romantic fantasizers see them as only temporary obstacles and don’t
take them seriously.

When a
romantic fantasizer wants to hold onto bliss at any price, the other partner
often feels unseen and unknown, and eventually will seek a more realistic
encounter.

8)Undying Love

There are
people who believe that loving someone until the end of time is a virtue and pride
themselves in never giving up loving their partners even if the relationship is
over. They truly hold onto the belief that a love once so beautiful will never
die, and commit to waiting forever for the other person to come back.

Interestingly
enough, many relationships do end prematurely for the wrong reasons, and the
partners who leave may regret doing so later. For most, though, the unswerving
commitment to stay loyal to a partner who has abandoned the relationship stops them
from embracing any new love. The lost love is continuously eulogized so that
any other partnership pales by comparison.

9)Unmatched Hole Fillers

Occasionally
a love partner finds another who is more unbelievably perfect in some crucial areas.
The rest of the relationship may not be as rewarding, but the experience of
total satisfaction in that one place is overwhelmingly fulfilling. Once they have
that experience, they feel they can never again go without it, and
significantly narrow their future options. When rejected, they become
hyper-focused on getting their partners to return, offering any sacrifice to
make that happen.

10)The Truly Agonized Stalkers

Sadly, there
are people who cannot give up their romantic partners, no matter how clearly
know that the relationship is over. Even when the other partner avoids, ghosts,
or openly humiliates them, they still won’t, or can’t, give up.

There are a
multitude of reasons why people hurt themselves this way. They might feel they
have no other place to go. Or, they feel they will never find someone so right
for them again. Perhaps they choose partners who can never love them the same
way in return, and yet can’t accept that finality.Maybe they watched a parent continue to
sacrifice without reciprocity, believing that it was a noble way to behave.

If the pain
is great enough, they might stalk, punish, or intrude, unable to stop pursuing
that broken relationship. No amount of self-degradation or humiliation seems to
ease their pain or keep them from trying to stop their fate.

* * * * * *

Unrequited
love is painful and demoralizing. It is only human to try to alter the
aftermaths of lost hope.

Many
relationship seekers who experience repeated rejection become weary cynics,
risking less and less in every succeeding partnership. They stop believing that
love relationships can ever work out because they can’t afford to be hurt
again.

Once
understanding why those situations happen, many can learn to choose better
partners, face the realities of what relationships offer and cost, and increase
their capacity for resiliency if loss is inevitable. Only then, can they
understand that the more one loves, the more painful its loss. There is no
other possibility.

Every
relationship seeker must decide how much to risk when seeking true intimacy. To
achieve the most beautiful outcome, he or she must give up the prior goals of
holding on to love at any price, and create in its place, an authentic and real
relationship regardless of what the outcome might be.