Home again – *sigh*

April 30, 2005

So here I am, home again.

Got some interesting news from Dad: I’ll be doing totally different work than I thought. I’ll be working day shift office, not night shift production. I’m not totally pleased, though the experience will be good for me. I’m going to be…a glorified secretary is the best way to discribe it. I’ll have some customer contact – EEK! I’ll have a lot more responsibilites. It’ll be…a learning experience. And by “learning experience”, read “stressful”.

Pat was wonderful, and had internet all ready for my room. All I had to do was plug in and change my IP settings, so I can IM all night from my room now. Too bad I can’t IM all night ’cause of working 8-5…yeah.

Finally gave up on my depressing leaving lj post and just posted it. Figured I might as well show it, and I can write something decent in my own time. The problem was, whenever I went to think about it, it made me sad, and I didn’t want to be too depressed in my last time at school and first time home, so I avoided it. So it’s there. Think what you will of it, it was nice to write.

Basically, home is going to be long, stressful, different, scary, and okay, I spose. I’m not happy to be here, but I suppose I’ll make the best of it: this is the last time I’ll ever live here, which is kinda scary and exciting all at the same time. I guess I’ve just decided that, while I feel guilty for not wanting to be around my family even though they do care about me and miss me, I can give them the time they want. I don’t have to have all of my heart in it, but I can be here and do the things they want, and know that school will come again and I’m not a totally horrible person even though I don’t want to be with my family because I AM trying, and being as good as I can. And maybe, just maybe, I can manage to not lose myself this summer, which is what would really make me happy.

“Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadows” – Helene Keller. Trying this one out…

"For those who believe in God, most of the big questions are answered. But for those of us who can't readily accept the God formula, the big answers don't remain stone-written. We adjust to new conditions and discoveries. We are pliable. Love need not be a command nor faith a dictum. I am my own god. We are here to unlearn the teachings of the church, state, and our educational system. We are here to drink beer. We are here to kill war. We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us."
— Charles Bukowski