Friday, 30 November 2007

Just this moment finished planning the funeral for the second time. Almost everyone backed out! (They really did have good reasons, though.) II really want Heavenly Father to explain why we are alone even in a crisis like death as well as alone for 10 years. We finally found the Bishop had never come to introduce himself to us, he was very kind, and the church will take care of the food, and we've had visitors and phone calls from people his age from 7 a.m. until 11 at night until we are so tired we take turns to just go into our room and sob and have a nap and the others take over while we rest for an hour. We are only getting about 2 or 3 hours rest, because we are visiting and taking calls all day, so we have to do all the memorial arrangements at night. I wanted to make a very nice picture board of Dad throughout his life but I didn't have time. Oh well, maybe it will slow down after tomorrow. I've been carrying so much of the load, so I am in horrible pain and my Dr. messed up on my pain meds, so I only got my pain meds today. I had to deal with the grief and all the hard work with horrible pain. I am concerned about how I will take care of mom when she collapses after the funeral, because I will be collapsing too, perhaps bad enough for the hospital. I'm not thinking negatively, I just know how my body reacts after big and long lasting crisises like this.

We are all better emotionally, and I have seen Mom's energy and my brother's energy raise significantly because we are not heartbroken thinking about Dad's suffering. We catch ourselves crying for a few minutes many times a day because we miss him, but its a much different type of tears than the tears of knowing he is suffering and that we can't do much to alleviate his suffering. We know how happy he is now, and with the Lord, and with all his family, since he is the youngest, and getting to know his father who died 6 weeks after Dad and his twin were born.

I no longer believe that verse that says God won't give us more than we can bear. Why do people have heart attacks and nervous breakdowns? When I researched the verse, I think it said "you will never be TEMPTED more than you can handle.".

Almost everyone that I had lined up for the funeral backed out, and so I had to start over, and I am asking Heavenly Father why he wants me to be alone even when my parents die, as well as alone for 10 years.

We have had visitors and phone calls every 10 minutes all week, until I was just crying with pain and exhaustion and wanted to put a sign on the door saying "do not disturb until 2:00" and put the answering machine on, but mom was just glorying in all the attention, so I went to my room collapsed in pain and let her do a few hours of hostessing. I heard them ask for me, but they were all people who were Dad's age, who I never knew, so I didn't come up. I don't get it. If these people cared so much about Dad, where have they been for the past 10+ years when we needed a friend or a visitor even on the phone??

This is NUTS! In my hubby's country, they bury the person the same day, go home, and then neighbors come over and bring food and take care of the family, and crying is allowed, and there is no cost involved. Here, its like planning a wedding, but it has to be done in 3 days while your brain and heart have turned to mush and we have to pay a minimum of $12,000 to entertain the friends and family and neighbors and act brave. We are poor though, so we had to have him cremated, which I am not adjusting to well, but it brought the price down to $4,000. Can't afford to die!

I am happy to see how many cared for Dad in his lifetime. I'm in so much pain and so exhausted, maybe my next post will be more positive.

Wednesday, 28 November 2007

EARLY CHRISTMAS GIFT FOR YOU! I SEND IT EVERY YEAR. First year I used just paper. The next year I used cardstock..looked so much nicer, this year I am using sticky back paper for some that I have to mail, and glossy cardstock for the others. ENJOY!!!

Friday, 23 November 2007

I got a new grandson at 10:14 a.m. yesterday. That joy seems overshadowed by Dad passing away at 7:46 this evening. I got to be with him holding his hand. It wasn't a scary "fighting for breath" experience like I saw earlier that scared me a lot, but he just stopped breathing, and I had to look hard at his chest and listen for a minute or more to make sure my mind wasn't playing tricks on me, then called in a nurse to please make sure. Mom's still in the hospital, she's handling it better than I would if it were my husband. She has a lot less of the "crying chemical" than I do. Gosh it took everything in me to pull myself away from him for the last time, but again I was in so much pain that if I stayed, I would have ended up in the E.R. alone, treated badly. I wanted to stay to comfort Mom, but after about 3 hours she said she'd be fine and insisted that I get some rest. One family member enters the family, another leaves. It happens a lot in my family, and almost every family member shares a birthday with another family member. Today's birth is shared with my 6 year old grandson. Thanks for all your love and prayers and support. It will be interesting to see if I lose any other of my terminally ill family members this year or my husband in that war; or even if I will go soon, but I will appreciate having them for as long as possible and appreciate the many little joys in life. Feeling that peace that passes all understanding, though I have cried so hard and long I feel like I have been exercising for many many hours. To top it off, my Dr. told me to double my pain meds last time I saw him, so I did, and so now I need a refill, and he insists I am asking for them too soon, and doesn't remember telling me to double the dose, so I am going through the hardest part of my life with intolerable pain! God showed me last week that he can take away the pain completely if he wants, so I hope He will do that again so I can help my family through this. Here is a pic of my fuzzy looking sweet grandson. They say he has curly black hair. Well the mom and Dad are dark blonde and red hair, so that's strange! My Dad had black hair and almost latino dark skin, so I like guys with dark skin. Maybe my grandson's black hair came through my Dad's genes. I am the only blonde on both sides of the family, except for a great grandfather, so maybe that's where I got my hair color too. What a precious father. It will hurt so much to be without him, but it was hurting worse to lay here and know he was suffering and that I couldn't do much to help. I am thanking our loving Heavenly Father for the time that I did get to be with my Dad. What a blessing he has ALWAYS been.Blessings,Bluebirdy

Thursday, 22 November 2007

I think of horoscopes as entertainment but don't believe them much. I'm really not very superstitious either and I think its funny that some people send on the emails that threaten that something bad will happen to them if they don't. I think its interesting when horoscopes DO hit the nail on the head though. I read them about 4 times a year, but read mine today and wow it hit on the head. I am so burned out and pushing myself to go back to the hospital even when I can't do anything there anymore, and the horoscope said:

Your horoscope for Thursday, Nov 22, 2007

Social activities this time of year can bring you much joy, but you might have to pay a price for the fun. You may be driven to extremes by your desires now, which could tire you out before you make it through your schedule. Practice moderation; limiting your indulgences can help you to conserve the resources you will need later on.

My social activities consist of going to the hospital. Maybe this is suggesting to not go until it is necessary. I feel like I am going to end up in a hospital bed too if I go for 12-18 hours again today. It says I will need resources later on. Possibly to really emotionally support my family when Dad passes

I thought the bad tooth was what was causing my heart problem. I guess it was not. My oxygen level was MUCH lower then my Dad's, so I've been on oxygen at the hospital. I just wish they would let me use one of the many extra stretchers to lay down for 10 minutes to ease my pain. A chair for 12-20 hours is just not enough. If the floor wasn't so covered with bacteria I would consider laying on a blanket on the floor.

I am curious to find out how closely together my grandson comes and my Father leaves. Maybe they will greet each other in the air as they pass each other, or maybe even my grandson will help escort Dad home, or Dad will help escort my grandson into this world. The other belief is that the baby's spirit is already in the baby before birth, so its all a big mystery.

I thought the Lord gave me a husband so we could comfort each other through the hard times and share the joyous times, but I haven't gotten one word of encouragement from him, which really hurts, and I have to call him if I want to hear his voice. He says he is taking things very well mentally there and that he is quite safe unless a bomb hits the house he's living in, so if that's so, and if he is better off than I am right now, I would appreciate his shoulder! He said that he thought what I was going through was much harder than the war he was going through, which I thought was kind hearted of him, but I don't understand his silence. It makes me wonder if he will be any comfort or help to me when he gets here. I don't want to mention to him that I'm mad at him for not even sending one sentence that might comfort me, because I want it to come from his heart, not from me telling him he MUST do it. Feels like I'm losing husband, dad, possibly mom, daughter is not speaking to me (not the one who is expecting a baby), and my brother is so close to an emotional breakdown. I need a shoulder too. I am holding everyone else together and even doing medical procedures.

Its frustrating that we have been too sick to make friends here. I don't really have anyone that I could trust with a house key in case something happened to both mom and I, yesterday I needed someone to bring me more oxygen from home, but I got a Dr. to prescribe me some there.

I was hoping the tooth problem would cure my heart problem and my need for oxygen, but it didn't...so my future is questionable again.

OH WONDERFUL! Mom just called me and said that she and Dad were doing OK for now and that I could stay home and rest until she calls to say I need to come in. PRAISE GOD! I need even a few hours rest! So I can do what my horoscope suggests!

Blessings to you all dear friends who have written and prayed for me and have been as close as family. My computer friends are a bunch of angels!

Wednesday, 21 November 2007

The day after my parents 59th anniversary was the Queen of England's 60th anniversary. I thought that was interesting, because my wedding was 1 year and 1 day from Princess Diana's, and my kids birthdays were the same months as the prince's.

At 3 in the morning, the nursing home called and said Dad will be taken to the hospital by ambulance. I went upstairs to tell Mom and she said "I need one too." So I called another, and we live next door to the nursing home, so one ambulance followed the other, and I was ahead of them both in my car. I called my brother to tell him and he said he had woken up for some unknown reason, he never wakes up at that time! So he came over to the hospital and we spent the day going back and forth helping answer questions and get them settled in and make sure they get immediate treatment. So my miracle was timed perfectly so that I could help with this crisis. I walked 4 miles a day the past 2 days. I wear my pedometer to measure....but today, I can't walk and struggling to even roll over. I have tried since Monday to get my Dr. to refill my medicine over the phone, but he insists that I come out there. So I will have to go without my diabetes medicine and muscle relaxant, which is not going to make this any easier.

I am now in unbearable pain again, massaging legs, crawling to the bathroom, takes 5 minutes to roll over. Unhappy that I have to go back on my morphine but thanking God that there is such a thing, so that when it kicks in, I can go back and care for my parents.

My dear husband said that the list of things I am going through now (about 12 things I have not told anyone about) is worse than the war he is going through right now. He is so calm and patient and strong and full of faith. I'm so proud of him...my life is almost always 10 crisises at once, so if my life is harder than the war he is going through, do I want to bring him to this stressful life? Oh well, its not really my decision anyway. Its up to God, who will influence the court.

I thought God gave me a husband so we could love and support each other through these most difficult times. I could sure use a shoulder to lean on after I physically and emotionally take care of mom, dad and my brother...but I just come home and fall apart, and do paperwork until the pain eases up enough to sleep.

I am still so very grateful for my 1 week miracle and I hope God will give me the words to write an article about it.

Blessings to you all, HAPPY TURKEY DAY TOMORROW TO THE AMERICANS. Remember to give thanks that things are not worse, because they always could be worse.

Sunday, 18 November 2007

I Woke up in so much pain, sadness was my first response, but maybe I just overdid yesterday,. I still prayed with thanks for what I had been given, and strength to re-adjust to the old lifestyle. I needed pain medicine. I started mourning that the pain free time was over, but still thanked God for the time He DID give me to understand how others live and think without pain. I wished that I had been given the words to describe it. I hope the words still come. I cried so hard for hours, I grieved the loss of feeling healthy, was prematurely grieving Dad's passing, grieving a friend's passing (also prematurely), grieving the burden my brother is carrying until it is going to push him to the limit, and grieving that I may soon lose my mom after my Dad, and grieving my husband that I may never see, and grieving not seeing my children or grandchildren except once in 10 years, and I will be a grandmother again tomorrow or Tuesday. Just another baby I won't see unless I can get healthy and strong!

mom was semi-conscious and I didn't know what to do to help her, and if something happens to Dad, SHE has all the final arrangements, so I didn't know what I would do if Dad passed away while Mom was in a diabetic stupor. I wanted to be with Dad, but was afraid to leave mom. Finally Mom woke up fine, got her insulin, I asked her quickly where the final arrangements for Dad are, in case he dies when she is unconscious or too sick to do anything. So now I am more confident in case something happens to Dad.

THEN THE DAY CHANGED!!!

Finally the pain medicine started working, so I was able to go sit with Dad, and what a joy! I got to sit with him for 3 hours, the longest I have EVER been able to be out of bed since he went into the nursing home. I was able to do the nurse's treatment on Dad for her, for which she was SO VERY grateful, (since I have my nursing degree), which freed her up for 20 minutes to do other treatments. I was able to get some pain medicine into him early, which he would have suffered if I was not there. Then my brother came in to take over. Dad talked for 2 hours straight and what a precious talk it was.

When I got home, Mom was on the floor doubled up in pain and not able to get her oxygen, so I got her into bed, hooked up the oxygen, gave her the pain injection, put a tablet under her tongue to sink into her blood stream faster, and got her settled down. Oh gosh it felt SOOO good to be of some use to someone! Now I need my own oxygen a bit, so all 3 of us are on oxygen.

Ok, so I am not cured, but MUCH MUCH better, and will continue to get better every day, in every way! Maybe I can write and earn more and travel and make some dreams come true! ....instead of doubled up in pain waiting for life to end...fearing (to the point of anxiety) how I would deal with life if it got any harder and if parents died or we got kicked out of our house or if my husband was able to come and I could not help him.

now I am on my way to comfort my brother, who just walked out of the house sobbing. I'll go to his bachelor apartment, where he has not let us come in 10 years, but he comes here 4 times a day... tough. I'm going to comfort him, and I thank god for the strength to be able to do it.

GOD IS SO GOOD, HIS TIMING IS PERFECT, AND I WILL REMEMBER TO BE GRATEFUL FOR THE GOOD TIMES I HAD, RATHER THAN MOURNING HOW THINGS ARE, SO IF MY HUSBAND CANNOT COME, I WILL ALSO BE GRATEFUL FOR THE GIFT OF HAVING HIM FOR AS LONG AS I DID, ALONG WITH THE SADNESS OF BEING ALONE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

Saturday, 17 November 2007

Before I even open my eyes when I wake up, I lay and assess what hurts, how I feel, etc. Then say my morning prayer. This morning was the best morning yet, so my prayer was so full of joy and tears and Thanksgiving, so appropriate for the US date of thanksgiving coming up soon.

I want to dance! I want to sing! I have not had that desire for 15 years! If this continues, dance will probably be my exercise. Right now its jut pilates in bed and resistance bands in bed.

It took almost all my strength to get cleaned up and dressed up to go out but I made it to the post office and grocery and put gas in the car and went to see Dad. I don't remember when I could do more than 1 thing in a day. I still had to rest when I got home, though. The strength will come, I have to be patient with this body and keep at it. I had not been able to see Dad for a month, and he looks very bad. It is Mom and Dad's 59th anniversary today, so I am praying God does not take him today. He was not even wakeable when was visiting. I wanted to touch him, hold him, I miss him so much, but he was having a hard time breathing, so I could only touch his hand. What a precious Father he is and always has been.

I have been asking the Lord to help me put into words how different a person's thinking is when they are not in pain. Its like being a different creature! Different planet even. I am afraid the pain might come back and then for sure I won't be able to think of how it was when I had no pain. Now that I can think of other things than pain, maybe I can finish writing my books!

My husband's house got a new baby today, amidst the bombs and machine guns. What a dramatic thought, isn't it? There was a curfew, so she couldn't get to the hospital, so it was born at home with the Taliban and Pakistan Army shooting outside their home!

I have to travel to another city to go to court soon. where I will get the money for that, I don't know. I have to buy 4 phone cards to Pakistan worth 2 hours each so they can call hubby in court, and I have to pay for transportation and room and food for a few days. Its NUTS! My husband has NO reason not to be here. It is a very small detail that is keeping him away and only God knows why the legal system is prolonging it instead of just making a decision based on lawyer's notes from 2 countries! Oh well, someday we will understand. Obviously part of the delay was to wait until I got stronger. What a dramatic life, eh? Even from bed, what a dramatic life I lead!

I want to personally acknowledge my miracle, and THANK OUR LOVING LORD. Even if this all ends tomorrow, it has been a miracle and I am thankful. I don't have the beautiful language of King Solomon, so I am reading the scriptures of praise that he wrote, to thank God with more eloquence than I have.

Friday, 16 November 2007

I am still having no pain, anywhere, not fibromyalgia, not lupus, not the oral surgery or infection after.

It's impossible to go from one night needing more pain killers than the E.R. Dr. has ever given anyone, to waking up the next morning with no pain. It is not possible to take morphine for 10 years, then wake up one morning and not need it, and not even go through the withdrawal that comes from your body getting used to being on morphine!

I KNOW this is my miracle. I don't know if it will be permanent, but I am thanking God so often, with tears of joy, with awareness of how differently I think, of all the other things I can think about now that my mind isn't consumed by pain, I'm just really weak. I'm sure God will help me get stronger, too, if that is His will. I am doing my best to improve my life. The sun just seems so much brighter now. Even the bedroom seems lighter! I wish I had the words for how it is to come out of level 8 pain for 10 years to FREEDOM!

I have to get help to get stronger now, after being in bed for so many years, and not eating. My normal diet makes my body thinks its starving, so it won't burn any calories. I have been too weak/nauseated/in pain to get food,so usually I have a yogurt for breakfast, a piece of toast for lunch, and a piece of fruit at bedtime. Been doing that for years. Once in a while I'll have 1 chocolate in a day (diabetic so I don't eat a whole chocolate bar). I have to figure out how to get the strength to get food. Vicious cycle. Need food to be strong, need strength to get food.

I WENT SHOPPING AND IT WAS LIKE

THE FIRST CHRISTMAS FOR A CHILD!

Let me copy from a letter I sent my husband:

HAPPY SECOND ANNIVERSARY!!!

Well not so happy for you,

but maybe a blessed second anniversary!!!

Hi my sunshine

I had such a nice experience today that all I could think of is how I wished you were there to share it with me. I must REALLY be in love, because I want you with me when I'm sad, and the wonderful day I had today seemed almost empty without you to share it with.

I went to the new store they built here in town. I've told you about it before, its the biggest store-chain (set of stores world wide with the same name) on earth, and now this is the biggest building to buy things in Alberta! (other than the malls.) I used a scooter, I bet it would be 10 kilometers to walk up and down every aisle. When I went to the grocery (food) part, and I could not believe it!!! I think I just saw every fruit and vegetable ever grown on earth! Things I never saw before and don't know what to with, but hope to learn, and foods from every country, and every food I ever saw advertised on TV from any country, even things that have never been in Canada before, and even one brand of halal frozen dinners, and about 25 kinds of rice and I can't stop talking. lol.

My eyes lit up like a little child on his first Christmas...or a person who lived in the desert or the country his whole life that just made his first trip to the city. My heart was so full. I have not been out to a park or shopping for so many years...and to go when the Christmas season is starting was just a joy!

I think I experienced a bit of what you will feel when you come here. So much to see and hear and smell all at once, so much to take in, like a whole new life and new planet, so many different things I never saw before, things I didn't know existed on earth. But there was so much to choose from, I went home with almost nothing, because I was so overwhelmed with choices that I could not choose!! So I am thankful that I had that experience so I will understand a little bit of how you will feel. It is very tiring. My Korean sister in law had to take many rests because the new culture and thinking and adjusting to new things every minute is very hard for the first couple of months.

The Christmas season has started and the store was playing music and colored lights were everywhere. I was so filled with joy I almost cried. All the Christmas gifts were there which are not there for the rest of the year and prices are cheaper and in that store, you can buy everything from a bicycle to a wedding ring to shirts to food. An immigrant could come here with nothing but the clothes on his back and his money, and buy EVERYTHING he needs to set up his apartment and life. TV, phone, insurance, eyeglasses, clothes, furniture, paint, decorating services, food, medicine, appliances, things even I have never seen before! That's hard to find! (Hard to find something that you can buy that I have never seen before).

When I got home I had to rest a while but nothing like the past few years.

I told my pharmacist about how well I've felt for 3 days, and he knows about you coming, and he said "I bet you were walking around with that infection in your whole body for years, those idiot doctors! And maybe that is why God was delaying your husband's visa, He was waiting until your health problem was found and taken care of, so you could help your husband when he gets here." That's an interesting thought. I guess we will only know the real reason when we meet Him when we die.

Gosh, 3 days no pain, getting dressed nicely, going shopping,going to the park, getting 1 week worth of work done in 1 day...thanking God with all my heart every few minutes...wow! I want you here to share my joys. I want you out of that war zone. Who would have EVER dreamed that the peaceful valley spoken of for eons, Shangri-La, hidden in the Himalayan mountains, the Switzerland of the area, would EVER become a city where the Taliban and Pakistan Army would start a fight among peaceful people? I get news articles every few hours online and they all say the same "The scenic valley" ;"the restive resort valley of ancient acclaim" ; "if war came to SWAT, then there is no safe place left on earth".

I know SWAT was an independent country a short while ago, and a white man never saw SWAT until 1910. Now after being abused by Pakistan for 25 years they want to be independent again. I love that your area has their own laws, culture, habits, different way of thinking. I can understand why people there get angry when they are called "Pakistani", because their laws and women's rights and EVERYTHING is different in SWAT.

Lately there has been set up a curfew. From noon to midnight, people can go out and shop and go to work etc. safely, then from midnight to noon, those who are fighting each other come out and there is war. That is the most CIVIL war I ever heard of! If you can get even evil murderous Taliban to obey a rule and not shoot or bother people for those 12 hours a day, that does say something good for the Muslim religion, even the worst of them. It will be AMAZING if they obey the rules!

I want you in my arms, I want you to be in this wonderful safe place God allowed me to be born in. I wish my lawyer would reply to my letters. I hope to communicate somehow with you soon. I trust that God is protecting you, even when I can't hear from you. I hope communications will be restored soon. Why did God make me tie my heart to a man in such a place and position as this? Such a long wait, so much worry, enough to dissolve a person mind and body. Just more drama for the book we will write about our DRAMATIC love story!

HI all my loved ones! I was afraid to blog this yesterday, in case my superstition would chase away the good news, but the night after I blogged that prayer and was in so much pain, I WOKE UP WITH NO PAIN! NOT EVEN THE PAIN THAT I HAVE HAD TO TAKE PAIN MEDICINE FOR 10 YEARS FOR!! I don't know how long it will last, but I am doing as much as possible to get some things done that didn't get done for the few weeks that I couldn't even raise my head! I know if I overdo I'll be back at step one, flat on my back, but I just have to tell the world! I have only had about 5 days pain free in 10 years. What if all these years, this horrible weakness and pain throughout my body was an infection that had gone into my blood system? I get fevers with lupus anyway, so having a fever wouldn't mean anything to me. My tooth or jaw never hurt, so I couldn't know it was infected. In my NDE I was told that I was protected from the "destroyer" until my purpose on earth was finished, and I saw images that even if I got hurt or had poison, I would still live through it, even if it caused suffering (seemed like a curse) until my work is done. I many times begged God to show me my work so I could get it done and get out of that painful body that is becoming more and more sensitive to light, sound and emotional stress all the time. I kept getting the words "to lift and to cheer others", but it will take a long time to understand how I can do that when my sense of humor has almost left me, and I can't be out and around with people and be entertaining them or even have big parties with them to cheer them. One time I did get the impression that just by others seeing how I live, it makes them grateful for their own lives, so in a negative process, I was sort of making them more cheerful.

** GOSH I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO HAVE NO PAIN! WOOHOOOO! So this is what normal people feel like? I am going to get off the computer and go do things that I have not been able to do for a long time, and I am eager to see how long it lasts, though I am still weak from being in bed for so many years. You think a person would get used to pain, having it all the time, but you never never do. I guess you do a bit, because the pain that used to send me to the hospital is now pain I function with every day. OK bye....going to the mall or the park or get some work done! THANK YOU HEAVENLY FATHER A MILLION TIMES FOR THIS TASTE OF FREEDOM!

Sunday, 11 November 2007

ON THIS, THE 11TH HOUR OF THE 11TH DAY OF THE 11TH MONTH,WHEN WORLD WAR 2 WAS WON, I WANT TO RECOGNIZE THOSE WHO FOUGHT OR FELL SO THAT WE MAY ENJOY OUR LIFESTYLE, IN THAT WAR, AND IN EVERY WAR BEFORE AND SINCE.

Saturday, 10 November 2007

Couldn't lift my head all day. Had enough water beside me to take pills, but made a big mess because I couldn't lift my head when drinking. So frustrated. So much pain. Just want to disappear. God please make this stop. Please let me start a new life, (there's SO MUCH I WANT TO DO!!!) or please take me home. I can't beat level 10+ pain much longer, alone, and can't bear the thought of not being helpful to anyone. Please God, make it stop. Hold me, comfort me, help me, remind me you love me. *sob* Bless everyone in my life, thankyou for my many many luxuries and blessings. I know things could be worse. Please talk to me Father in Heaven, comfort me, strengthen me. I love you so much.In the name of your precious son, Amen

When this war is over, and my husband is with me, when this pain becomes bearable, I still have the picture in my mind of the person I wanted to become. I remember even at 12, at 15, at 25, at 35, an exact image in my mind of the person I wanted to become. At 21 when I had my first near death experience, I was so disappointed that I had not yet become that person, that I told the spirit who talked to me how ashamed I was. I told him I would not go back to earth if I could not even take care of my family or serve the Lord the way I was sent to earth to do. He showed me the woman I would become. Wise, smiling, warm, loving, and loved in return. I told the spirit I would have to stick around just to see that happen, because I could barely believe I would become that person. I was almost glowing! Honest, a loyal friend to all, close to Heavenly Father, and satisfied with what I had, whether it was a little or a lot. I saw my husband with me, so when he left me at age 37, I couldn't believe my whole life's plan, myself, God's promise to me had been destroyed as if in a bomb. I had a nervous breakdown, and everything about me changed, except for my love for my Heavenly Father. I even forgot the person I wanted to become. Now, 10 years later, I can see that person again.

It's 10 days now of this pain. I had to look it up one more time just to make sure I was not creating this pain somehow myself. As in most websites, it says

"TN (Trigeminal Neuralgia) is a nerve disorder of unknown origin that causes sudden shock-like facial pains, typically near the nose, lips, eyes or ears. It is said to be the most excruciatingly painful human condition in the world."

No, I guess I am not being as big of a baby as I blame myself of being. Then when we add complications from the oral surgery, with infection from my sinus, to jaw, down to glands in the neck, and the skin graft to go over the hole, which was taken from the area of the damaged nerve, then the dentist giving me the wrong antibiotic for 3 weeks, so I had a short time of getting stronger, and then came the time when I can barely lift my head off my pillow. I stayed away from the E.R. because I hate going so much. I don't want to ask anyone, and when you go alone, they are so cruel, as if they want to scare you from coming again, because "obviously", if you come alone, you must not be very sick. I guess they can't imagine that someone has no friends in the city, and their family are all too sick. I thank heaven that this time the doctors were quick and kind.

I lay here and think "THERE CAN NOT BE SUCH HORRIBLE PAIN THAT LASTS SO LONG! How can it be possible?" I asked my Dr. yesterday if this is what his cancer of the jaw felt like. He said that his jaw cancer was terrible pain, but still its not as bad as what I am going through." I told him I was praying it was a temporary infection, because if its permanent, I will want to chop off my head and I will understand how TN patients sometimes go out of their mind and run into traffic or do other things accidentally, or maybe even on purpose. That's why its called the suicide disease.

I pictured what cancer patients look like at the very end, moaning, writhing in pain, no amount of morphine is enough for the pain. They can't think anymore, or eat, or even be called "living". So how do they deal with THEIR pain? Does their heart just stop from too much pain? Sometimes, but more often, more morphine is given to try to ease the pain, until eventually the morphine is what causes the body to shut down, not the cancer pain. Usually it is made easier because there is a loved one nearby who cares. There is someone

nearby to help with a drink of water or to be washed or to get brought medicine, or a hot or cold pack for the pain, or kind words, or to be read to, or to turn on music. They are not there completely alone like I am. I want my husband with me, but I don't want him to suffer by being with a sick wife, or suffer because he doesn't know how to care for himself in this society yet. I think I would feel much worse for making someone else suffer, so it is better that I struggle alone. I know God is with me, but at times like this, you sometimes need someone with hands and skin to be with.

Mom is upstairs, but she is sick too. I won't bother her about this pain. Every other day or so, she comes to see if I need some ensure nutrition drink. She is much better to me now. Until about 7 months ago, she would not even check on me when I went unconscious for more than 2 days from diabetes, and never in her life had brought me a glass of water, but now we are more caring of each other WHEN WE CAN BE. Often her pain is too bad to think of anything but the pain also.

My oldest daughter wants to disown me, so I won't see her children either, so I have not figured out the joy of having children yet. I get joy from hearing about the antics of my youngest's little one, but I won't be seeing her or her children either, unless I get well and wealthy, so I'm losing reasons to stick around. I know its just the pain talking. I can't even lift my head. I'm thankful my monitor is beside my bed and my keyboard and mouse are on my bed.

In July, when I was told I had 1 year to live, I started a new journey for myself. One of learning to be the kind of person I used to be. To be positive and courageous and funny and encouraging, the person I was before the divorce, before everything in me was destroyed. It was as if my ex had pulled the pin on a hand grenade, opened my mouth, closed it, let it go off inside me, like in a cartoon, and smoke came out my ears, and everything in me was destroyed, and my ex walked away laughing, and I was left standing there, expecting to heal all the pieces myself, since he took me from my family in another country and only let me see them 4 times in 20 years. Then his family, most of whom that I loved so much, and took them as my family, immediately stopped talking to me, as if I was the adulteress, as if he was innocent. I didn't even see it coming. Now, 10 years later, I am rebuilding, but it seems so slowly.

The world has changed. Attitudes have changed. Physical health has changed. People dress more casual, work more hours, have single parent households, and don't seem have time to teach their children or spend time with them. Marriages have become so very selfish, so they break up easier.

If a spaceship from another planet visited Earth in the 1960s, then returned now, they would probably say "Well, it looks like the same place on the map, but it just CAN'T be the same planet. NOTHING is the same! It's so dark and dirty and the creatures are so much lower and have no civilization or manners or kindness."

The kind of person I wanted to be wanted to go everywhere, see everything, learn everything, speak every language, hear every song, every story, smell every flower, taste every food, get to know every culture, completely design my own home, design even the fabrics, furniture, dishes, clothes, carpets, and take care of my husband like he was a prince. Well that one I DID achieve. He did not have to do anything...and now that I burned out my body on him, the new wonderful man that God has sent me, will not get that kind of attention that he deserves. The poor man. He deserves so much more than I can give him. My ex wore me out then threw me away like a used Kleenex.

Now I can see the purpose for the divorce, and now I love so much stronger, see things so much clearer, and God sent me a soul mate that I had so much in common with, that I could never have found him without God sending him to me. He is such a wonderful, loving man, who loves God as much as I do, and God knew that's what I wanted was someone who loved God like I do. He is from a different culture, so he does not think of divorce the way others do, so quickly. He knows marriage CAN be for life, because that's the only way its done in his culture. Its terrifying to marry and have a long distance relationship, but there is a purpose, and it is a growing experience. I want to write a book about our dramatic love story. Its so dramatic, people will think its fiction, but reality is so much more unbelievable than fiction sometimes. We appreciate every moment with each other, because he could die at any time from war, and I could die at any time from illness, so our love is more intense.

They say time heals all wounds. Time heals NOTHING. It is only working on your feelings, working out how to get strong again, and overcome your traumas that changes things. If you don't do these things, then 20 years later you could still be stuck in the same place as the day the trauma happened.

I did that kind of work on myself, and having someone love me unconditionally helped immensely also.

I was hyperactive and wanted to do everything perfectly, and take care of people as a nurse, and entertain guests, and dance and sing and act and every year have a different occupation so I could learn more and more.

In that first near death experience, When I said I didn't want to go back to earth if I would only be useless and couldn't serve the Lord, the spirit told me "Even if it got to the point that you were completely bedridden, the Lord would find a way for people to be sent to you so you could help them." This was long before home computers were invented. I never imagined the spirit meant that I WOULD become bedridden. I thought he was giving an example, but you know, I am so thankful to be living in the days of the internet. I am such a knowledge hog, and I can learn 24 hours a day from my computer, in my bed, and have friends all over the world to help. Even if I were rich and healthy, I could not travel the world to help people like I am doing now.

I am eager to start exercising and getting stronger and preparing for my husband to come home and getting healthy enough to visit my children, and work toward being all the things I planned to become. Now I probably can't do them with as much energy as I first planned, but I can still have goals and plans and work on my weak points and become that woman I have always seen in my mind.

I hope the pain eases up soon so I will not be flat on my back, and I can help cook for mom and Doug, and go see Dad, and get strong enough to serve others, serve God, and enjoy life.

Pain seems to erase all positive thoughts unless there is someone there to remind you, or if you are able to read something positive. I have about 1 hour a day now that I can read or write, and that time is almost up, so I will end this novel now.

I hope soon I can start typing my award winning writing into my blogs. I have had over 100 magazine articles published. I have not written for many years, but just got old articles re-published in other magazines. I guess this blog is good to retrain myself to write again.

Will my husband be allowed out of his country if he gets his visa? Will God help me to help him? Can't help hubby, mom or Dad, my very generous brother who needs love so much and doesn't know how to accept it, I am of no use here the way I am right now. Gosh I'm now too tired to think.

Still with the greatest pain I am feeling, I am thankful that the dentist might have saved my life, by removing the infected tooth. Without that, I would not be thinking of any future at all. I did get a miracle, even if it hurts for a while.

Thursday, 8 November 2007

Thankyou C. This is so thoughtful of you. That's amazing that you remembered where my husband is and what he does there! I get google's news reports with any news article in English about Mingora. They come about every 2 hours. I'd better have Fazal check to see if our lawyer is safe. We have needed one to get him home. His company refuses to let him come home because they can't find a replacement, and they have ways to stop him. he was supposed to be home in February, and I had a hotel room reserved for a honeymoon type vacation and everything, then found out he would not be let to leave. We should get news this week about when he will be coming or what's going on that is being kept secret from us, etc. I pass over most of the email news articles, some are very gory with stories of beheadings for no reason of people walking to get milk, etc. (which my husband has seen). I know he won't be the same person when he gets home, but we will work it out with God's help. He saw barber shops bombed by the extremists who want the men to not shave, (so close to his house that the bomb rubble landed on his house) and my husband can be killed if his beard doesn't grow fast enough!! People there, (my husband and especially children) are getting lung infections breathing in all the stuff that was in the bombs, and all the material that WAS bombed. I never thought of this aspect of war before, that people would get sick from the bombing.) They destroyed 140 shops that sold music CDs. These terrorists are not only terrorizing the world, they are destroying anyone who is not "perfect" enough in their own religion.

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Mom was going to drive me to the Dr. out of town today. I guess I wore her out by making her go to the hospital 2 days in a row with me, so I drove myself, but had to pull off to the side of the highway every 5 minutes and lay down on the seats and cry, then drive 5 more minutes. I've never known pain like this for so long, even with all my surgeries and 35 years of lupus which is as painful as torture at times. The ease in pain helps me deal with thoughts of what my husband is going through, and likewise, when I know my husband is safe for a few days when they go somewhere, it eases my pain.

The Dr. was very kind, I drove back the same way, got to the pharmacy, then took one of the pills before I drove home. Gosh what a wonderful feeling being pain free is! I hope with all my heart this is only an infection that will be temporary, because if this is my new level of pain permanently, I am in serious trouble,and so is my husband. Even if he has to leave with just the clothes on his back, I want him out of there. Airports are starting to close, so I'm praying he CAN get out of there if the judge finds a way to get him released from Pakistan.

Thanks for all your kind notes yesterday when I needed so badly to feel another human being on the other end of the computer line.

I belong to a few email groups, and this letter was sent to the group today. What a kind group leader to remember what city you are in and your profession.

Below is the letter he sent the group, and then an article about the city my hubby is in.

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Below is an article from yesterday's Canada National Post. This areaof Pakistan, Swat, is where Bluebirdy's husband works as a translator.She has called it "the most dangerous city on earth." I amposting this article not for any political discussion but to give youall some background about what Bluebirdy and her husband are dealingwith. And of course, let's keep Bluebirdy's husband in our prayers thathe stay safe.

As police beat up lawyers outside courthouses in Pakistan yesterday,Islamist radicals seized three police stations and a military post inthe town of Matta in the picturesque Swat valley, just a few hours'drive northwest of Islamabad.

The two images capture the conflict raging in Pakistan.

In Swat, the radicals hoisted black and white jihadi flags over thecaptured security buildings and vowed to establish a system of shariahlaw in the mountainous region frequently described as the "Switzerlandof South Asia."

Rejecting a British-style justice system they see as foreign,expensive and corrupt, the rebels, who regard themselves as PakistaniTaliban, are determined to create a thuggish theocratic state.

In urban Pakistan, meanwhile, up to 3,000 of the country's 12,000lawyers have been jailed since Saturday as President Pervez Musharrafmoves to crush all opposition to his declaration of a national stateof emergency.

The President claimed to put the country under martial law to stem asurge in terrorism and extremism.

However, the chief targets of the security forces during the past fourdays have been Pakistan's Supreme Court, lawyers, oppositionpoliticians, human rights activists and a muzzled press.

It is perhaps not surprising that Gen. Musharraf's crackdown on"judicial activism" has been counterbalanced by an expansion ofTaliban influence in the troubled tribal areas.

Instead of curbing Islamic extremism, the state of emergency may aidan insurgency by fighters allied with al-Qaeda and the Taliban. Assecurity forces beat and gas pro-democracy and pro-Western dissidents,they have little energy or time for counterinsurgency operations.

Instead of hunting terrorists, police are focused on arresting lawyerswho object to suspension of the rule of law.

Yet after eight years in power with virtually no restraints,Pakistan's military has done little to quash discontent in the tribalareas bordering Afghanistan.

In that time, domestic terrorism has increased. Foreign and homegrownjihadis flocked to sanctuaries in northwestern Pakistan, where alQaedaand a resurgent Taliban plot and prepare for a comeback.

The military has suffered a series of humiliating defeats at the handsof radicals, whose latest victory in Swat came when more than twodozen police and soldiers offered no resistance.

After being paraded in public and declaring they "did not want tofight these Muslim brothers who are striving for the enforcement ofIslamic shariah," they were allowed to go home.

It's a pattern that's been repeated since August, when more than 250government troops surrendered to a smaller group of terrorists inWaziristan without firing a shot.

There are suggestions the mass surrenders indicate the military'sgrowing disillusionment with Gen. Musharraf. Reluctant to fight theirfellow countrymen in a war that is portrayed as something ordered byWashington, some rank-and-file soldiers simply give up.

Senior officers have always been ambivalent about fighting Islamistradicals. Many still regard the Taliban as former allies and a hedgeagainst U.S. and Indian influence in Afghanistan.

As a result, the homegrown terrorists who have hidden Osama bin Ladenand the Taliban's top leaders since 2001 are no longer restricted tothe untamed border regions. They have infiltrated more settled areasand the largest cities.

In Swat, a previously quiet tourist district, fighters respond to theexhortations of Maulana Fazlullah, a former madrassa student whorallies supporters through his pirate FM radio station.

His followers, backed by fighters from Uzbekistan, Afghanistan andWaziristan, have succeeded in driving government authority from theregion. They have closed a half-dozen girls' schools and regularly setup checkpoints and direct traffic.

They have set fire to shops selling Western music and Indian films andbeaten barbers who shave beards. More recently they blew up one ofSwat's top tourist attractions  a 1,300-year-old carving of a seatedBuddha cut into a 45-metre-high rock face.

"The military-led government will be hard put to show results andconvince the world and the Pakistani people that enforcement of theemergency has paid dividends and helped make gains against themilitants," an editorial in the Karachi newspaper Dawn predictedyesterday.

"The world would not be wrong in coming to the conclusion the generalsused the war on terror as a ploy to strengthen their stranglehold overthe country."

Wednesday, 7 November 2007

Hello all; Been laying in intolerable pain for 8 days. I got a break for 1 day so I could shower and wash clothes, then next day (yesterday) it was even worse. I started my third batch of antibiotics which are suposed to be the strongest there is (zithromax). I waited here in pain for so long, unable to eat or get a drink, just sipping water with my pills. Morphine didn't even work, so called my Dr. and he told me to go to the E.R. The ambulance came, mom followed in the car. When you go alone to the hospital here, they are very mean and I wish I had a mini recorder on me. There were insults and snyde remarks and trying to start a fight and I could barely think, then when mom was finally allowed in to be with me, they were kind, because there was a witness there, so they dared not say anything. I was so happy that this is the first time in 10 years that they treated me quickly, took my pain seriously, called my family Dr. They decided the antibiotic was the wrong one, it should never be used in dental infections, it can even make the situation worse, and they told me to tell the dentist not to use it anymore. The Dr. said he gave me more painkiller than he had ever given anyone in his career, due to my high pain/drug tolerance and the nature of the pain. Trigeminal neuralgia is enough, it is called the suicide disease, then add on top of that bone pain, infection, skin graft right from area of the nerve, and lupus causing infection, and I was out of my head. He gave me a shot, then some pills to get me through the night until I could see my Dr. today. Called my Dr. today and he was not in the office, so I will see him tomorrow. I had to go bak to the ER today, same routine, the ambulance men were quite rude, and told me "we can't keep treating you!" I was so out of my head in pain that I thought.."If I can't get treatment when I am in this kind of pain, then I understand how people just kill themselves or walk out into traffic. YOU CAN NOT LIVE IN THAT KIND OF PAIN! I was writhing and rolling in pain and sobbing and my nerves were shot after so many days of that pain, so I was extra sensitive to every bump, every sound, light, etc. I could not even sit up for 8 days for more than a minute without almost passing out. The only reason I am able to type now is because of the painkillers which are stronger than morphine. Tomorrow I will go out of town to my Dr. by laying on the back seat of the car. I hope the new antibiotics kick in soon and help. If they don't, it means the problem is something different than infection. I did feel like I would die, then thought of my husband in such danger, and wondered if one of us might die before we meet, and that this we are supposed to find out more about the visa, and maybe even both of us will die and have to meet in the spirit world. I don't know. Everything seems so dramatic in this pain and with family problems and every other problem, got credit cards used by fraudsters and about 5 other financial problems that must be straightened out. Just too much stress to handle in this condition. Will write more later.Blessings, Sheila

Friday, 2 November 2007

** Yesterday and today I have been laying flat, almost impossible to sit up, even with all my strong pain meds. I didn't know a person could stay conscious through this.Why is it that I go unconscious from high or loow blood sugar when my pain level is fine, and I could be using that time to get things done, but then when the pain is so severe that I can't believe a person can bear so much pain, I can't go to sleep even if I intentionally raise my blood sugar? It seems so cruel!

**SOMETHING IRONIC

**I learned something more about my health that indicated that I should have only 3 years to live. I held my head (which felt like it was going to explode), and tried not to laugh. My odds are getting better! Up until yesterday I had up to ONE year to live." ROFL. I plan to keep increasing the amount of years and health! I think Dr. Oz's book about simple ways to heal all our damage and care for ourselves, ways that have been known since the beginning of the human race, and only forgotten/not taught in the past few generations."You: Staying Young" by Dr. Oz. He has a bunch of other books too. I really hate the modern medical system and have been abused by doctors, but Dr. Oz talks more about natural healing, prevention, how the body works naturally, how to help it work at full capacity without drugs, etc. I will probably go through the library to get them. I'm going broke on books, and most libraries will order books for you if they don't have them, either through intra-library loan, or buying it. They are given a budget each year and if they don't spend it all, it gets cut for the next year, so they usually buy the item you want and then you are the first to read it.**So? We are all going to die, and no one knows when. We could have a fatal accident. The amount of time does not matter. Its HOW you live that matters. Live in the moment. Enjoy things that you are seeing/smelling/touching/learning/hearing now. We all may leave this world within 10 years anyway due to the second coming of the Lord and the resurrection. I think it doesn't matter too much how much time you have left...I have never been afraid of death...but I have wished I had more help with the pain and with daily living needs and isolation. I've learned a lot through this scare of being told my life might be shortened. I am practicing not worrying...I am still working on that one, but the books about "how to live as if you are dying" and "ONE YEAR TO LIVE" AND "Man's search for meaning" really have helped make life make more sense.**This week my hubby and I will hear from immigration about whether he can come or not, so we are eager to hear about that. I WANT HIM OUT OF THAT WAR/POVERTY ZONE! He is so brave, intelligent, loving, high morals, loves God, he could go so far if he could get out of there.I want to spend whatever time we have left together...and if possible, time after the resurrection also. We will see what God's will is on the matter when we get the letter from immigration. I know we all are too stressed. I hope we can all learn to handle stress and enjoy our lives. I love the saying "Be kind to others; they are hurting and just trying to survive, just like yourself."Blessings to you all, I pray regularly for all of those who are in my life,Bluebirdy

The 2 stars "**" Means "new line or new paragraph", since I can't get this blog to break off onto a new line.

**Since my "death sentence" in July, I have been reading voraciously every book, website, DVD, newsletter, email group, chatroom I can about the alternative treatments, natural healing, that teach that we can learn to tap into our resources to heal our own bodies. Now here is more news from a modern medicine Dr. that approaches the same subject, from the physical angle, not just spiritual/energetic angle.

________________

**Did any of you see Oprah yesterday? Wow what a show. Part 2 is on Monday the 5th of Nov. Dr. Oz and another Dr. said that people have forgotten the very basics of taking care of themselves, and that all "aging" is, is damage to your body, and he has used common sense to teach us how to heal all the damage in our bodies. He called it an anti-aging plan. Its 2 parts, so more on Monday. They started by saying that we could live to 100 + years old.

**Personally, I was thinking "I do NOT want to live to 100 in this kind of pain and helplessness", but then he went on and told how to get feeling so good physically AND mentally, so that you WILL want to live longer! Go to www.oprah.com to read more about Dr. Oz's show. When you see the title of their book 'You: Staying Young" click on it, and when you see the pic of the book, there are 3 headings under it. When you click on them, they gives info that was on the show and in the book.

**From the website:

**Dr. Michael Roizen and Dr. Mehmet Oz wrote a series of books. One is "You: The Owner's manual"they showed us how bodies work in general, and in YOU: On a Diet, they explained how bodies lose weight and stay fit; both books have sold in the millions. Now, in YOU: Staying Young, the doctors are going to talk to you about what happens as your body ages. As with their previous books, they've conducted tireless research and will introduce fascinating and crucial information in an unforgettable way. ** Most people think of the aging of our bodies the same way we think of the aging of our cars: The older we get, it's inevitable that we're going to break downit could be in just a few ways or it could be in dozens of ways. Most of us hold this notion that once we reach 40 or so, we begin the slow and steady decline of our minds, our eyes, our ears, our joints, our arteries, our libido, and every other system that affects the quality of life (and how long we live it).**But according to Dr. Roizen and Dr. Oz, that's a mistake. Aging isn't a decline of our systems. It's actually very purposeful. The very systems and biological processes that age us are actually designed to help us when we're a little bit younger. So what's our role as part of the aging population? To learn how those systems work, so we can reprogram them to work the way they did when we were younger. Your goal should be: Die young at any age. That means you live a high quality of life (with everything from working joints to working genitals) until the day you die. Because the doctors' real goal isn't just to make you live longer; it's to allow you to maintain vibrancy throughout your entire life. "

**Dr. Oz and Dr. Michael Roizen teach simple methods to take care of your body, that no one ever taught you. The older generations knew these things, but with modern medicine and broken families, parents stopped teaching these things, and the doctors stopped learning them or teaching them, because if everyone was healthy, the medical system would fall and cause the economy to collapse. Doctors would not have a job. The medical schools don't teach prevention and healthy living, they teach anatomy and pharmacy an surgery...so they can keep selling high price drugs/procedures to keep the economic system going.

** You can now get a new blood test called a biotest. It tests everything that's going on in your body including what diseases you might have a tendency to get (DNA testing), It tests what damage has been done in your body over the years, and Dr. Oz has very simple natural remedies of how to heal those damages. (I don't think a blood test can tell certain things like a damaged muscle or a torn cartilage or other things that are not associated with your blood.) It's not a common test yet, and costs $1400 to $3400, but its worth it because the results of your biotest will be given to you in a book about you, your chemistry, your body's weaknesses, damage, tendencies to get inherited diseases or those brought on by environment and diet and lifestyle; and simple ways to heal all of it. People were not this sick 100 years ago. Even back in Bible times, people were generally healthy and lived for hundreds of years with vibrancy. Oprah's site tells where you can get the blood test, too.

**He also said there are very few auto immune diseases like arthritis, lupus, fibro in India,(1.3 billion people) because of the turmeric/curcumin (part of turmeric) in their curry. Now Dr. Oz says that no one in India (over 1 billion people) gets Alzheimer's!!! This is also because of the turmeric/curcumin in their curry! My sister started taking it in tablets for her arthritis pain, she'll be happy to know it prevents Alzheimer's too! (Especially since our Dad has it.)

**I hope you will have a great day!! Try to catch part 2 of Oprah on Monday Nov 5. He even talks about cures/preventions for fatal diseases.

Thursday, 1 November 2007

There will be both joy and sorrow in each of our lives, often each are in the same degree at the same time, to balance life out.

I am experiencing both good news and bad right now . I have sort of a miracle to announce! I am a bit scared to say it out loud in case its just a temporary improvement or in case I jinx myself and make the problem return...but if it IS a miracle and gift from God, I would be TRULY ungrateful not to acknowledge it and share it with others.

In July I shared with you all that I was told I had 1 year or so to live due to lupus damage to my heart, well a few weeks ago I had an extensive oral surgery, had a tooth and jaw that had been infected for years and I didn't know it, they pulled the tooth which had crooked roots so it broke my jaw which was deteriorated from infection, but it looks as if this tooth is what damaged my heart and almost killed me! Doctors couldn't find it in MRIs, CT scans, blood tests, I never felt a toothache, so I am thanking my dentist for saving my life. Now that the tooth is gone and we are treating the infection, I am getting stronger and stronger! I rarely need oxygen or my walker anymore, which I used for 5 years!!! A TOOTH almost destroyed my heart and almost killed me! Can you believe it???

What is an even more wonderful coincidence, is that this week my hubby is supposed to get news about when he can come home from overseas. If the papers say he can come home, then the Lord had perfect timing (as usual) to improve my health just a month before his return and to show me hope, that I will gain enough strength to help him and be the help and wife he needs!!! I know the lupus and fibro are not YET cured,

but maybe the Lord will do that soon too! I have to hope.In the meantime, I need a virtual hug. Daily my husband calls me and tells me what is going on in the middle of the war front. He is in the most dangerous city on earth right now, SWAT, near the border of Afghanistan and Pakistan, where they are breaking all war rules of the Geneva convention, and beheading people in the streets. They are killing the police first, now kidnapping and beheading all government employees.There are 2 wars going on at the same time. Swat used to be an independent country until 1979 and now some leaders want it independent again, and at the same time,the Taliban decided it would be a great place to fight the Pakistani Army because they are up in the Mountains and there are more places to hide and be strategic in the mountains, but it has not turned out that they were fighting in the mountains. They are fighting int he populated areas, killing innocent people. Three members of my husband's family have been killed and 1 injured so far this month, and still my husband continues to work. I admire him so much! He will be a changed man when he gets home, but he really has an amazing, faith-filled attitude when he talks about it. He is on mild tranquilizers to try to sleep through the bombing and shelling, etc...so am I, and I am thankful for them in times of war and other overwhelming situations.I am SOOO afraid of war. Some people's phobias are snakes or death or drowning, mine is war. If I didn't know better, I would think I was killed in world war 2, then was reincarnated again as a second chance to have a life, because even when I was 3 years old, in my bedroom, when an airplane would fly overhead, I would cover my head, thinking theywould drop something from the plane or that they could see me from the plane. When hubby talks about it, it makes me want to jump out of my skin and run forever. I think God knew I could not bear to go through a war,

and having a husband and son in laws in the war

is too close for me already.

I had my diabetes under control for over a year, but now hearing about the war and what his family is suffering is so much stress that the diabetes has started again, along with the pain and not getting along with one of my daughters, and missing them terribly, especially when I wish I could go help my daughter move and have her new baby, and I spend a lot of time semi-conscious from too high or too low blood sugar, so I am trying to get that under control again. There is even a good point about that. Before the diabetes returned, I could not sleep more than 1.5 hours to 2 hours out of 24 due to the pain in my face. When I started passing out, I got so much sleep/rest that my jaw started healing much faster. GOSH stress makes these illnesses worse, and also fast weather changes, jumps in barometric pressure makes the pain unbearable, to the point of barely being able to function. Did you know there is no such thing as fibromyalgia or lupus in the third world countries he is in? My husband has been described my illness to the doctors there, and they have no clue what he is talking about. I guess they don't have the same toxins in their environment in a third world country or the same stress and speed of living. Here's a hug for everyone else who needs it too ((((HUGGGG))))) . I hope you got some smiles from seeing the cute little costumes coming to the door last night.(Halloween)

Blessings, Bluebirdy

This is interesting! When you click on the website link below, a world Map comes up showing what strange & dangerous things are happening right now in every country in the entire world & is updated every few 300 seconds. You can move the map around, zero in on any one area & actually up-load the story of what is going on. It is amazing when you can see the things that are happening right here in the U.S., sometimes right in your own state or even your city. Global Incident Map: There is a lot happening in our world every minute.

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