It took 32 years, but I finally received my first dick pic. Now let me explain. I have always been the girl saying that no girl ever wants to receive a dick pic. Ever. And while I’m not a huge fan of the idea of them, I now realize that there are ways that you can send a successful dick pic without seeming like a total creep. Here are some tips on how to send a successful and non-threatening dick pic.

Rule #1: You are only allowed to send a dick pic if the girl that you are sending the dick pic to has already seen said dick in real life via some sort of a hot and heavy session. This includes a little feeling around down there, full blown sex or anything in between. So, if she has seen the actual penis in real life, and it went well, I repeat AND IT WENT WELL, then feel free to send her a snap shot. PS: When I say, ‘It went well’ I mean for her, not you.

Rule #2: No unsolicited dick pics. Unless the girl asks you for one, do not send a dick pic to any girl who has not seen your penis in person. Ever. Don’t do it.

Rule #3: If you are going to send one, make it look nice please. Look. A penis is not the most beautiful thing to look at. Put some time into the background, the lighting, and the angle of your ween. Sometimes having your hand on it makes it look a little nicer. But much like Goldielocks and the Three Bears, please don’t hold it too tight, or too soft, you have to hold it just right.

Rule #4: When you send it, just send the pic and nothing else. Please don’t put a caption such as: “How do you like that meat?”, or “Come and get it”, or “Hot and Horny for you”. A dick pic speaks for itself and we don’t need anymore added flair.

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Rule #5: If you send me a dick pic, please know that I am going to show it to at least 4 people.

Article originally appeared on Big City Siren (http://bigcitysiren.com/).