"My Boyfriend's Best Friend is a Girl...."

Love, Dating, and Relationship Advice with Jazmin Moral

Posted on Wednesday, 07/05/2014

By:Kesta Love

My boyfriend's best friend is a girl. She calls him and texts him all day long, sends pictures (not suggestive but definitely attention seeking), and they have tons of inside jokes that only they understand. They are very affectionate with each other (have pet names) but not to the point of flirty. He doesn't hide the calls or texts and often answers when I'm there. Despite the fact that I know he loves me, I can't shake this feeling that I'm the third wheel. He even has a special ring tone for her (he doesn't have one for me). I don't want to have to make him choose between his best friend and me, but I also don't like feeling like the jealous girlfriend who is always annoyed when she calls.

Third Wheel in VA

Dear Third Wheel:

I completely understand why you are annoyed! When we are in an exclusive relationship with someone, we need to feel certain that we are each other’s priority. Of course it’s ok for your boyfriend to have close friends, but if you are constantly feeling like the third wheel in your own relationship, then it’s definitely time to have a serious conversation with him!

Sometimes even though we intellectually “know” we are loved, we don’t necessarily feel loved when certain actions from our partners leave us feeling unimportant, or taken for granted. If you are in a committed relationship and love each other, then it’s absolutely reasonable for you to expect to share a deep emotional connection with your boyfriend. Without that it’s hard to build a meaningful bond as a couple. In order to feel secure in a relationship, we need to feel emotionally connected to our loved one, and when we feel a threat to that connection (his bestie!) then it creates insecurity and it leads to hurt feelings.

It’s important to be honest about how you feel, and if he cares about you, he’ll want to hear about your feelings. You don’t have to approach the conversation as the “jealous” girlfriend, or make accusations. The important thing is to be open and share your vulnerable feelings about this, letting him know how hurt you feel by all these actions that leave you feeling like an outsider, and that as his girlfriend you need to feel like you are his #1. It’s not a matter of choosing between you or her, the point is that to be able to build trust in this relationship you need to feel safe and loved, and it’s hard to do that when you are walking around feeling hurt and ignored all the time. Hopefully he’ll be able to respond and give you the reassurance that you need. But if he ignores your hurt feelings, then that’s important information for you to have as you make decisions about what you want and deserve in a relationship.