The fallout from Nicolas Cage's drunken night of New Orleans legal infractions continues. In addition to investigations for abusing his wife and disturbing the peace on the night he got so bombed he forgot where he lived, the talented Mr. Cage is under investigation for abusing his 5-year-old son: A witness told the police he saw "Mr. Cage pull the male child to the ground by his hand." Wife Alice Kim had a different explanation: "Mr. Cage fell while holding their son. The fall caused the 5-year-old to suffer a minor abrasion to his left knee." Now the cops want to interview son Kal-El (yes, Nic named him after Superman) but Alice won't let them. [TMZ, Previously, image via Getty]

Sarah Shahi—whose Twitter account identifies her as "that chick from that show," a surprisingly accurate description since all I remember about her is one or two sex scenes from The L Word—tweet-slapped Paris Hilton for being the "worst driver ever. Almost hit me, then ran a stop sign. what if there was a kid around that corner, you dumb bitch. Paris Hilton- horrible excuse for a human being. What an irresponsible person… What a lame existence… I wouldn't be as pissed if I wasn't a mom. 'One more thing blonde piece of shit- you're not an elitist just because you have money. You should apologize… To humanity.' nowi'mdone." I'm not sure she knows what "elitist" means, but at least her heart is in the right place. [@SarahShahi, Celebitchy]

Charlie Sheen has crippling body odor. Apparently he went to an event with Drew Carey and "smelled like he hadn't showered in days. Smoke and sweat… not a good combination. It was all we could do not to hold our noses." Noticing everyone backing away from him, Sheen asked rhetorically, "Do I stink or something?" Drew Carey responded in the affirmation. Sheen whipped back some kind of witty zinger, but, gross, all I can think about is those poor suffering porn stars, forced to smell Charlie Sheen's stinky sex parts all day long. [Enquirer, print edition]

In other Charlie Sheen news, he bailed accused embezzler and quondam baseball star Lenny Dykstra out of jail: "The rendition guilty trolls that kidnapped my dear friend Nails clearly forgot that he's a fellow Vatican assassin and his best pal is a warlock." Oh, shut up already, Charlie Sheen. [TMZ]

Robert Pattinson is terrified of clowns: "The first time I went to the circus somebody died. One of the clowns died. His little car exploded. The joke car exploded on him. Seriously. Everybody ran out. It was terrifying." Most rational explanation for coulrophobia ever. [NME]

Kristin Cavallari is engaged to NFL player Jay Cutler. They're the boring white version of every Kim Kardashian relationship ever. [People]

Kendra Wilkinson's father is a nudist. No surprise there. [Enquirer, print edition]

Farrah Franklin, who was part of Destiny's Child back when the group had four ladies in it, before Beyonce cut that shit down to the essentials (well, the real essential was Beyonce herself, so you could say B's solo career is Destiny's Child's most talent-efficient formulation) has been arrested for disorderly conduct. Farrah says she was "manhandled" and racially profiled: "YES there WILL be a lawsuit ! FUCK da Culver City Police !!!! You cant keep a good girl down," she tweeted. [TMZ, TMZ, @FarrahFranklin]

Kevin James, the nonthreatening rotund sidekick who dates improbably hot chicks in every romantic comedy ever, just had his first son, a boy named Kannon Valentine James. James' daughters' names are Sienna-Marie and Shea. [USAToday]

Toni Collette gave birth to her second child, a boy born on Good Friday and named Arlo. His big sister's name is Sage Really enjoying today's festival of celebrity baby names. Knock on wood, and we'll get a new Jolie-Pitt before the day is through! [People]

Karl Lagerfeld on the art of dietary deprivation: After ten years of forgoing sugar, the cravings are "Gone. But I like chocolate. I don't eat it, but I like the smell of it. People can drink with their eyes; I can eat with my nose." Eating with your nose: The weight-loss method for choice for coke whores and Karl Lagerfeld. [W]