Movie review: Baywatch’ is a one-trick pony

Wednesday

May 24, 2017 at 10:28 AMMay 24, 2017 at 10:31 AM

Dana Barbuto More Content Now

The bikinis and biceps raunch-com “Baywatch” is -- as you’d expect -- preposterous. But much to our amusement, the major players are in on the joke. Except the joke never evolves, rendering the self-joshing adaptation of the famed 90s TV show a one-trick pony. It’s the same thing scene after scene -- 2 hours of muscular junk-and-trunk horseplay. It’s great to be aware of your own ridiculousness, but director Seth Gordon (“Horrible Bosses”), working from a script by a team of six writers, wears out his welcome quickly. The slo-mo jiggle has no wiggle.

“Baywatch” follows elite lifeguard Mitch Buchannon (Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson) as he butts heads with a “cocky pretty-boy” recruit (Zac Efron). When they’re not patrolling the beach in front of Tower One, they uncover a drug-dealing operation that threatens the future of the Bay. Alexandra Daddario, Kelly Rohrbach and Ilfenesh Hadera rock the iconic red high-cut swimsuits as a trio of babe-a-licious lifesavers. Brunette-beauty Priyanka Chopra (TV’s “Quantico”) hams it up as the self-described “Bond villain.” To balance out all the overwhelming hotness, Comedy Central star Jon Bass plays a roly-poly recruit crushing hard on Rohrbach’s fetching C.J. (the Pamela Anderson character from the TV show.)

For the most part, Johnson is terrific per usual as the head lifeguard, saving lives and hurling insults at Efron’s Brody, calling him “Hey, High School Musical” or “New Kids on the Block” or “N’Sync,” and so on. It’s a running joke that has a sort-of sweet payoff. The camp level of Johnson’s performance approaches, let’s see, David Hasselhoff heights (yes, he makes a cameo). One character refers to Mitch as Batman. To which he replies, “Only bigger and browner.” But Johnson’s chiseled -- and OMG is he ripped -- charisma can only prop up the proceedings so long. Ditto for Efron, who’s own physique is equally astonishing. In one sequence, the two go mano-a-mano in a beachside obstacle course where they lift and carry refrigerators. Really.

As two-time Olympic gold-medalist Brody, Efron clearly feels comfortable when he’s playing a somewhat dimwitted, shirtless guy. (Just look at his latest string of films: “Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates,” “Dirty Grandpa” and the “Neighbors” movies.) The blue-eyed star does possess the comedic chops to back up those chiseled abs. He also has the self-awareness to allow those abs to be the butt of a joke. Speaking of butts, if you play a drinking game where you take a swig every time the camera shows a bikini-clad rear-end, you’ll be sufficiently sloshed by movie’s end.

Just like the iconic TV show, our crew of genetically blessed lifeguards makes dramatic rescues. Fearless Mitch, who has 500 saves and just might be Aquaman, swims under the flames of a burning yacht to rescue a pair of damsels in distress. In another, a surfer is thrown from his board into the strong riptide, and in a third situation, two children fall off a pier. The rescues are fun to watch -- I’ll admit it. The first act is amusing and frivolous, as we meet the characters and sit in on lifeguard tryouts. But when that ends and the criminal plot thickens, the script gets serious and the enterprise is no longer a candidate for resuscitation. It feels like an R-rated episode of “Scooby-Doo,” where the teenagers solve mysteries through a series of missteps and antics. One particularly disturbing fray involves a cadaver’s penis. It’s a cringe-inducing scene in a hospital morgue that Gordon lets run on way too long. Likewise for an early scene where Bass gets his willy stuck between the wooden slats of a lounge chair. Yup, life’s a beach.

-- Dana Barbuto may be reached at dbarbuto@ledger.com or follow her on Twitter @dbarbuto_Ledger.