Treating Kinksters online with Respect.

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I don't know if I'm seeing more of it or if I'm just more sensitive to it after writing several articles on Kink etiquette for the magazine but I'm seeing A LOT of disrespectful comments around and about on the forum, on peoples profiles/statuses and in personal ads.

I know it seems like just typing words on a screen but there are real people on the other side of these screens. People. Not just a recepticle for YOUR kink.

would you walk up to a stranger and flop out your penis? Or would the first thing out of your mouth when talking to a new person be 'would you like me to lick your pussy' or 'on your knees, slave' or 'will you beat me, please?'

Or when someone is asking for specific input on a problem or an interest respond with 'well, you need to get your sexy on with me, pal, that's what you need to do'

Basically, I'd like to say, if you'd not say it to a person face to face don't do it on the internet. Please.

Anyone else share in my rant?

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Deleted Member

Deleted Member

28 posts

Posted January 24, 2018
(edited)

Sadly yes. I see it too. Quite frankly manners cost nothing. Even if you like to be treat disrespectfully as a kink doesn't mean you do all day every day. Some PMs I get piss me right off. If I don't reply they get quite offensive. So glad we have a block and ignore option. If you can't be civilised and open a conversation with a simple hello or hi don't expect a reply in my honest opinion.

Yes...etiquette and manners cost bugger all...but as most cant it would appear that we may lose valuable members/advocates of the site which is a shame...an old adage"you dont get a second chance to make a first impression!!!"
Its worrying that people do not read a members profile first...this should be a priority...how else will you be able to interact or communicate without at least a small amount of research!!
Would you walk up to a complete stranger and either expose yourself or make a derogatory comment and not expect a bad reaction..we are a very tolerant group its in our DNA its what defines us from the 'norms' but that doesnt mean we dont have feelings and deserve a certain degree of respect....

9

Deleted Member

Deleted Member

28 posts

Posted January 24, 2018

1 minute ago, Jed said:

Yes...etiquette and manners cost bugger all...but as most cant it would appear that we may lose valuable members/advocates of the site which is a shame...an old adage"you dont get a second chance to make a first impression!!!" Its worrying that people do not read a members profile first...this should be a priority...how else will you be able to interact or communicate without at least a small amount of research!! Would you walk up to a complete stranger and either expose yourself or make a derogatory comment and not expect a bad reaction..we are a very tolerant group its in our DNA its what defines us from the 'norms' but that doesnt mean we dont have feelings and deserve a certain degree of respect....

Well said

5

Deleted Member

Deleted Member

13 posts

Posted January 24, 2018

Unfortunately, I feel this has a lot to do with the inherent anonymity of the online space. A lot of the users feel they can throw these usual conventions out of the window as there is no direct negative repercussion other than yet another "no thanks" message. Across all social media type platforms, you will see the same trend, people hide behind the mask, it's an unfortunate side effect of the current climate. While all of us with more than half a brain can see that normal applying normal social etiquette to online conversations helps a great deal, others obviously don't see it. It is very irritating to receive many rude and disrespectful messages but it is one of those hazards that naturally comes along with such a community. It's also not one that is likely to change anytime soon.

I totally and completely agree. A few know this already, but I came from another site..a site where I predominately (amongst select others in the community) reinforced the tenants of the lifestyle. (SSC, trust, honesty, respect and communication)....The biggest bug bear of them all that quite literally brought goosebumps to my skin and shivers to my spine and instantaneously brought my otherwise placid nature to the hilt of a devil's spawn was purely the "lack of knowledge" from newbies. The blatant disrespect when walking into a lifestyle room, the lack of etiquette...the continuous lack of understanding, the "I want to fuck you everyday but sideways"...I need to spank you at every apparent opportunity, the "I bet your pussy tastes so good" ....it becomes beyond 'acceptable'.
Unfortunately, it's not second nature to newbies to be learned and armed with knowledge before interacting, somehow over the years this concept has surpassed the 'norm' of lifestyle expectations.
I've seen most of the bad bits, I've dealt with them...I've consoled the broken submissives, chastised the would be Dominants, I've even blackballed s types for wearing 'velcro collars' but it's beyond me how we fix this? How is that even possible to do without appearing overtly harsh to those newbies who truly do wish nothing more than to find themselves...
The 'opportunists' ruin it for the majority. This isn't what we signed up for, the community here is amazing, it's well balanced and well integrated and quite frankly, personally, I'd do anything it takes to protect that. Because I SEE how much has been achieved by those already here. This is not a passing notion, this is not a game. This is LIFE itself and by fuck, I will protect that with all I am and more, because to disrespect another lifestyler is to disrespect all lifestylers...not gonna happen.
Love n light xxx

Ohhh it drives me insane, I have literally just this second replied to someone asking them to go away (impolitely) for his message which is virtually word for word of one of those you’ve just written VictoriaBlisse!
I changed my profile not long ago stating that I’m not here for 5min masturbation thrills.
I’m highly sexed, I’m very open & im a sub. However that’s not a green light for some div to disrespect me or unknowingly send me a picture of his knob.
If you want to talk to me like a slut you earn the right to do so not just spout random obscenities & hope I think ‘ooooo he’s a really sexy guy I must talk to him!’

9

Deleted Member

Deleted Member

27 posts

Posted January 24, 2018

i agree with this totally the worse thing for me is gay guys (not being judgy or anything promise) they just click my ptofile without reading then message me and some can be decent and take no but then you get guys who are like i bet i could turn you and be quite vulgar about it thank you fetish,com for the no thanks feature

4

eyemblacksheep

eyemblacksheep

1,558 posts

Posted January 24, 2018

I've found January is a fairly busy time for both the newcomers to the scene to decide to indulge, or some of the - to put it politely - idiots, to decide to "give things another go" (by trying the same methods they last failed with) it's not an exclusive problem to this site, but there do seem to be a lot dive in who really don't quite get it. Certainly I visited chat at the weekend and found a fair number of disrespectful people come in, trying to enforce protocols etc.

The depressing thing is - and I hate to type this. You can write all the helpful etiquette guides in the world : most of these people just drive straight past them and get on their way.

Well, it's good to know it's not just me! And also bad...because, well, I wish we didn't have to have this conversation!

I know writing guides might not get to the heart of the problem but if it helps someone, then they're worth the effort.

How do you think we can change this behaviour? Do you think we can at all or are we doomed forever to get these discourteous messages/replies?

4

Deleted Member

Deleted Member

3 posts

Posted January 24, 2018

I don’t think it’s even just newbies. I’ve had numerous messages from people purporting to have been ‘in the scene’ for years and without even the first attempt at a conversation are asking if my pussy’s shaved/can I send a nude pic/do I want them to be my Master. Er no. Just because we’re into kinky stuff doesn’t mean normal social etiquette has to go out the window. Just because I’m open minded about what I do with a specific chosen person It doesn’t mean I want to flaunt my body to every random that gets in touch. I’ve been quite disheartened but maybe my expectations are too high.

6

eyemblacksheep

eyemblacksheep

1,558 posts

Posted January 24, 2018

yeah, there are plenty who claim to be experienced - as if their "years active" is something to be respected.

I don't believe many have the stated experience, or if they do it's by chance rather than their own decency.

I wish I had a solution. I also blog which has things like advice for newbies and assorted rants and don't do this - and while helpful for those who wish to learn : the... pests don't wish to learn : they just want to message 100 women in the hope one is daft enough to reply.

I guess.... one thing I like about this site is that it tells you how many messages someone has sent and received, so you can probably tell if someone with a high 'send' count is testing their luck - but I guess something that stops this ratio getting too far out might help.

Without wanting to blow smoke up your arse - the boards do seem to be kept an eye on properly (unlike other sites with mods who just want the status and not actually mod their boards)

4

Deleted Member

Deleted Member

27 posts

Posted January 24, 2018

1 hour ago, VictoriaBlisse said:

Well, it's good to know it's not just me! And also bad...because, well, I wish we didn't have to have this conversation!

I know writing guides might not get to the heart of the problem but if it helps someone, then they're worth the effort.

How do you think we can change this behaviour? Do you think we can at all or are we doomed forever to get these discourteous messages/replies?

i think were doomed until people learn the power of reading profiles then judging on how to proceed if you decide the person

1

Carnelian2

Carnelian2

145 posts

Posted January 24, 2018

I have a simple perspective; if you wouldn’t say or do it in real life, you should probably not do it online either. That goes for posts to profiles asking people to contact them, which is just lazy.

A bit of civil and polite behaviour goes a long way, as much as it would be entertaining to see someone arrested for flashing in the supermarket queue or being rude and explicit, it is hardly something you should be doing online either.

people hide behind the screen and use that safety and privacy to have no disregard for people's feelings.
psychologically I find it very interesting.. not amusing nor do I think it's acceptable but it intrigues me what triggers something in their head that makes them act this way.
what are they missing in their lives or what unrecognised issues do they have that drives them to treat people unfairly. it could be a jealous envious individual who's trapped in their lifestyle who uses negative comments to try and make people as miserable as they are.
sorry bit of a rant lol massive shame that people can't just go aboit their lives without ruining, interfering or respecting people's interests.

3

PatientTraveller

PatientTraveller

96 posts

Posted January 25, 2018

I love these threads; they spark a mixture of contributions that shape us as individuals and as a community. I already know that I will ramble and repeat what others are sharing.

I will admit that there are those that show a lack of basic respect and it does irritate me from time to time. One thing I have found is that we don’t need this behaviour, yet we can use it to our advantage:

It gives us all a baseline to measure our own behaviour, this is one of the aspect that I like about BDSM, continuous development, bad behaviour helps us to assess our own behaviour as individuals and what we seeking in those that we do want to interact with.

It is the quickest filter for sorting out members that interest us and do not interest us.

There will always be those that are dis-respectful, just like a bad boss we can learn from them, learn what we don’t want and learn about what we don’t want to be or become…

Those that are dis-respectful will alienate themselves and drift off or will change and join the community; realising that Kinksters are not vending machines or a supply of kinks like fast food.

Everybody has added some wonderful elements:

Anonymity,

Ettiquete and manners,

Standards and

Values.

Anonymity is a two-edge sword, for many it allows us to explore, contribute meaningfully and sharing experiences and ideas. However there are those that will abuse it as they abuse it, things change…anonymity does not have the buffer that it use to have:

The site has provided options for only accepting messages from members that have validated their membership and their age…use the filters…those that want to hide and be toxic will find that their playground gets smaller.

Etiquette and manners, I’ve shared this before…I have them and I will not give them up, they are part of me and it is an aspect that I love about BDSM, the dis-respectful only reinforce this within me and I wont allow them to corrupt this.

Standards do not have limits, these are part of how we value ourselves individually. Having them helps us know who we want to share ourselves with and understand our limits and boundaries within BDSM as well as life.

Values these are what makes us individuals and a community, without them we are just a gang. Finding shared values enables us all to make healthy connects and shapes every aspect of us.

I know I am rambling, but have a look…the dis-respectful have open our eyes as to who we want to be and brought out elements from each of us to share.

The dis-respectful will either learn and change; or they will drift away. They do serve a purpose, they help shape us; as to what we don’t want to be or be part-off.

BDSM encompasses more than just kink, fetishes and desires; there a deep dimensions and the selfish and the dis-respectful will not be able to find these treasures and remain hollow, with that nagging little part of emptiness remaining incomplete.

Summary:

We can only gain from their poor behaviour, it is frustrating in the moment; in the long term it is their loss and we grow. Bad apples can help us to remember to move forward, even bad apples can be useful for composting for something useful...just see how their behaviour has brought us together and share together.

Thank you all for sharing the little aspects of BDSM that that mean so much, be positive, save your time and energy for those that earn it or share a need that your willing to help.

Patienttraveller

6

eyemblacksheep

eyemblacksheep

1,558 posts

Posted January 25, 2018

1 hour ago, PatientTraveller said:

They do serve a purpose, they help shape us; as to what we don’t want to be or be part-off

That actually, is very true.

Something I have learned from over the years is particularly around idiot guys, seeing how they behave and don't get they want and doing my bit to not be like them and not associate with them.

I don't get everything I seek, nope, I don't have a surefire recipe for success, but avoiding their recipe for failure definitely has helped me thus far.

...Just because we’re into kinky stuff doesn’t mean normal social etiquette has to go out the window. Just because I’m open minded about what I do with a specific chosen person It doesn’t mean I want to flaunt my body to every random that gets in touch. ..

EXACTLY! That's just what I mean. We're people and we're kinky. That doesn't mean you get to treat us any differently when you first meet us!

14 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

Without wanting to blow smoke up your arse - the boards do seem to be kept an eye on properly (unlike other sites with mods who just want the status and not actually mod their boards)

Why thank you. It's important to us here that this forum is a safe, community space for kinksters to really come together (so to speak. Why is everything I say a euphemism?) and I take pride in keeping the forum active whilst removing anything untoward.

And by vast majority the kinksters who post here on the forum are polite, genuine folk. You lot make me smile regularly with your kindness, wisdom and also downright wicked/kinkyness too!

@PatientTraveller - Thanks for your in depth response, it is wise and thoughtful post like yours that make this forum the warm, welcoming community focused space it is.

In fact thank you all for contributing to this topic. I wasn't sure what would come of it, but it's a really interesting conversation with lots of interesting points!

3

Myrtz

Myrtz

21 posts

Posted February 5, 2018

I read this thread a while ago and I feel I have to comment now!

i received a message this morning from 'an experienced dom' that experienced that he hadn't bothered to read my profile to see that I have a Dom, but this guy, within 3 or 4 messages asked if I wanted to see his cock!

At least he had the decency to ask I suppose, but really, from a so called experienced dom! It's not good!!