suicide

So tired of hurting
So deep inside where I can’t reach
But what if I could?
Would I just try to
smash away the pain
smother it with anger?
Where is the love
the compassion?
Kindness seems so far away
Out of range.
And so follow my angry thoughts
Ending it will be my only relief
But rational mind says
“That only transfers the pain to others”
“You need to deal with this”
“Learn to negate its influence”
“To save those around you”
“And to save yourself”

I wish I was special,
She cried
As she caught sight of her reflection.
Tears streaked her face.

She clung onto her palm full of pills
As if for dear life,
Though it was death,
Not life,
She hoped they’d bring.
She did not want to die
But she could not face this life any more.

She had sat this way for hours,
Rocking,
Crying,
On the brink of the action
Which would take away the pain,
But without the motivation to do it.
Which made her feel
Ever more a failure.

A voice penetrated her bubble,
A hand gently took hers,
Brushing the damp, crumbled pills away,
And soothing her with tiny movements.
You are special.
Said the voice,
You just can’t see it now.
You won’t see it tomorrow,
Or the next day,
But one day you will.
I’ll teach you,
If you’ll let me try.

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Got to get away from this pain I’ve so much to gain but all i do is blame ‘coz someones always to blame whether they deserve it or not there’s always a reckoning when something goes wrong there’s a peacefulness beckoning calling so long the pull is so strong but I can’t go along ‘coz this peace is the final one the end of the song and I know that it’s wrong but what else can I do when all I want is you or someone who sees through this hard shell that I grew that interferes with my view of the world as a whole and smothers my soul leaves me gasping for air and grasping for someone who cares pull me out of despair and help me repair this broken form that wants to be whole once more – a whole lot more than I’ve ever managed before ‘coz I know that it’s there waiting – to inspire desire and provide all I require – all I ever need to fly higher and soar so pain no more.

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I need to let it out, get it out, try and decompress all the build-up inside me.
A big part of today was spent helping organise my brother to find/decide on a new place to live. He’s been living with Mum for 6 years and she has sold the house to move into something smaller. Time was running short for my brother. He wasn’t coping with choices and decisions and on top of that we felt he was a suicide risk. Cousins K+B have helped a lot today, finding a friend with a rental flat that is vacant this week, offering to help with moving, background organising. Cousin B is exhausted with her own issues at the moment but she has helped all she can. My cousin’s anxiety, my brother’s anxiety, my own anxiety.

Just over a week ago, some important future planning/financial questions were posed by my partner and I realised in that moment that I couldn’t answer. That I actually couldn’t process the questions to begin to consider possible responses. I was filled with paralysing terror and anxiety – partly of the impact of the questions and partly because I realised I was incapable of dealing with it. I sort of broke mentally. I felt completely terrified, lost and flooded with self negativity as a result of it all.

I reached out to my Cousin B, and a couple close friends. They helped me through while I dealt with all these new unpleasant feelings. Recommendations to see my doctor and get a referral to somewhere that can help with counselling.

So after a long weekend waiting to get to see my local doctor, I am now on a new medication Desvenlafaxine. It’s been about 7 years since I have had to take any strong prescription drugs, and I’m feeling a bit uncomfortable about it. But I understand that this is a way forward that works for many people and I hope it works well for me without significant side effects. There are a few unpleasant passing symptoms as levels build up in my body.

I will give this a go. I have experienced a severe anxiety episode, and it is a symptom of my current condition. I believe it is treatable and that in time I will feel better. I realise I am exhausted emotionally, mentally, physically. After all my ill-health experiences last year, prolonged testing and diagnosis, then my father being very ill and eventually passing away, and then dealing with his estate and helping his partner through initial grieving period this year. All this time putting myself out there, time and energy, giving to others, with little consideration for myself – that’s just who I am.

I realise tonight as I got home and just wanted to cry, that I need to give myself time to rest, recover. I need to just shut off the outside world and let the quietness reach into me. I need to find my own peace and not worry about others or even about myself. I just need to trust that I am doing the best I can for others and for myself.

So I haven’t been as active around here as I would have liked – energy levels have been severely limited. But I will not let that upset me. It is what it is. I have been focussing on me in a way that will move me forwards, in time, and maybe this was the only way that I would come to an understanding of what I needed to see about myself.

Thankyou for reading this. I know I may have missed some of your posts, but I trust that the important words will reach me one way or another. And I hope that you can also find what you need to see to move forwards. Whether that is an eye-opening realisation, a small glimpse of hope, or a little encouragement. And if you need help, if you can’t cope on your own, keep reaching out until someone responds.

Normal service will resume in time. Be well.

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I wanted to die
but wasn’t sure why
All that I knew
my patience was through
Run down by the pain
running away again
No energy left
Feeling bereft
No support or love
just push and shove
Thought about how
later or now
So many ways
to end your days

Some hope, a spark
always in the dark
From deep inside
I could not hide
Enough to lift
myself and shift
I choose this way
to another day
A struggle still
battling your will
A balance of force
helps sometimes of course

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Each day is recovery,
even the ups and downs.
The shitty days and the good days,
they are all little steps to recovery.
I don’t know how exactly,
I just know it is.

Though the black days
feel like you’ve slipped back
somewhere you don’t want to be,
remember
you are still steps closer
towards something better.

I know right now
better is not equal to recovery,
but I know right now
there is something you can do for yourself.
Something good,
something you will one day be glad of.
But right now is all that really matters anyway.

Give yourself space
to breathe in a little more you than there was before,
push yourself that fraction of a millimetre forwards.
And afterwards
allow yourself
to feel some good about what you did.

Forget about the shitty feelings,
life’s full of them.

Do something right for yourself,
do something right now
that I could feel good about too.
Because I care enough
to do something right for you.
And if I was able to do more,
I would do it just for you.

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[some advice to a writer friend, which I hope I can follow myself when I need it too]