Day 44 of 365

We met through mutual friends. A friend who I wasn't very close to however, I knew well. We used to smoke pot and joke around. He introduced me to my ex. From then every day we spent together, for years riding bikes, smoking, partying and taking drugs. Soon this all caught up with me.

I had no money because I paid for everything for my ex, his drug debts, which caused me so much emotional turmoil, having horrible dealers threatening myself and my family due to his misuse. It would only get worse. He would love me then turn immediately calling me names, being a bully and becoming violent. I didn't even realize what this was turning into, he would say we wasn't together even though we would see each other and do things that only occur in a relationship.

We soon were together however, he was embarrassed by me so to his friends we wasn't which for some reason I became okay with. When we’re together I would spend every day at his, where he lived with his mum, he would hit her too. After a while paying his debts and being hit and feeling emotionally drained became the norm. It stopped affecting me and I became numb.

I began to self-harm at least once a day, bringing my blade to work, where I earned money to give him doing things I wouldn't want to do for money. My life became darker and darker. By this point I had been to the doctors where they said I had depression and gave me pills. Still nothing changed in this violent relationship. He filled my head with how disgusting I was and fat and cold. This continued for years.

I would say how I don't think things were working out but he would say he'd kill himself. I couldn't live with that on my shoulders. He had other issues himself which in the end forced me to leave. He would make fake Facebook accounts and message people we know. A friend found an account on his tablet and soon after he had none but me. Still abusing me and bulling me because he had to take it out on someone. Then my mother told me she had received weird messages off fake accounts sending nudes etc. It was him. Sending nudes to my own mum.

I couldn't look at him, touch him or be near him. I then went to the doctors again where a women filled out an abuse form. She told me I was in a high risk abusive relationship. I was in shock. At this point I was 18 years old she informed the police who took 3 days to see me in this time I had to avoid him alone. I went crazy having flashbacks and not being able to sleep. Overdosing and smoking so much pot just to not feel anything.

He continued to contact me for months in the end I gave up with the police. He lives locally and we still bump into each other however, my brave face is stronger than I thought! I'm on the road to recovery slowly, having being diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and gradually learning who I am again he is happily not in my life anymore. I can now work and have my own money and study without feeling guilty because I'm not with him. Life is that much better.

So I urge anyone who CAN escape an abuser to try to fight like you always have done because it's still hard every day to live with what they put you through but if survive the relationship you can survive life.