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Raising Happy, Imperfect, Children

The conversation about Amy Chua’s praise of what she dubs “Chinese” parenting continues.

There is a discussion going on right now over at the New York Times’ Room for Debate blog, which you can find here.

The Sunday Styles section will include an interview with Chua, and I will have a preview of that here on Motherlode sometime later this afternoon — so check back soon.
Until then, I am turning the floor over to Dr. Christine Carter, a sociologist at the Greater Good Science Center, affiliated with the Psychology Department at the University of California at Berkeley, and the author of the book “Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents.” She’s spent years wading through scientific research about what makes children happy and successful in life — and the conclusion of nearly all the science is that forced mastery (i.e. four hours of practicing the piano a day) does not lead to either.

Carter takes issue with Chua’s view that Western parents are far too permissive. To the contrary, she says, well-educated and affluent Americans are already overly focused on achievement. Advice like Chua’s, she writes in a guest post today, is potentially adding fuel to this fire.

DO WE REALLY THINK THIS IS O.K.?
By Christine Carter

I am floored by the tremendous response that Amy Chua’s new book, “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother,” is receiving. It’s not that I’m surprised that Chua’s exposé of her own highly controversial parenting is garnering a lot of media attention, with its salacious details of a Yale law professor calling her high-performing kids “garbage.” What I find downright shocking is how much credibility Chua is being given.

On this blog, for example, Lisa Belkin concludes that because “there really is no one ideal way” to parent, we parents “should feel free to choose what feels best for us.” While I agree with Belkin on this point, there are some central themes Chua promotes that I find downright worrisome for the next generation.

In the last half-century, social scientists have been studying how various parenting styles affect kids. Who graduates from high school? Who suffers from depression? Who grows up to have a happy marriage? So we actually do know a lot about what makes a good parent: We have decades of scientific research that point to how we can improve the chances that we will raise happy and successful kids. Although one size does not, of course, fit all, there are broad truths when it comes to the parenting practices that are most likely to produce well-adjusted kids who thrive—socially, emotionally and academically.

Those of us who’ve peered closely into the research know beyond a shadow of a doubt, for example, that the children of “authoritative” parents—parents who are warm and loving, but also good at setting and enforcing limits—are better adjusted and more academically successful than those of overly permissive or superstrict parents.

So when Chua argues that “Chinese” mothers “are superior” because they demand absolute perfection—and won’t refrain from berating, threatening, and even starving their kids until they’re satisfied—I become very worried. My e-mail in-box has filled parents looking for an answer: should I be more demanding? Will my children be aimless underachievers if I foster things like friendship and gratitude rather than tripling their piano practice time?

Suddenly, we “Westerners” seem like total softies, simply because we prefer to coddle rather than throttle our kids. Because, let’s be honest, we prioritize happiness over achievement.

Chua’s argument makes us start to wonder if our values are wrong. Should we start bullying our children into becoming math whizzes or a music prodigies? Do these brutal techniques actually work?

OF COURSE THEY DON’T. What Chua describes is not enlightened parenting, and there is very little to learn from it. It might take an iron will to force a kicking and screaming child to practice the piano, but all that yelling, threatening and insulting does not take much skill. We do not need to retreat back to totalitarian tactics to garner respect from our children, and certainly not to ensure their success.

The parenting methods that Chua describes go against years of scientific research into what makes kids truly happy—and successful—in life. Moreover, it rests on a faulty premise: Rather than being overly permissive, many American parents are overly focused on achievement already. Chua’s guide to raising ever-more high-achieving children could fuel this fire, and that’s scary.

Chua defines success narrowly, focusing on achievement and perfection at all costs: success is getting straight A’s and being a violin or piano prodigy. Three decades of research clearly suggests that such a narrow focus on achievement can produce wildly unhappy people. Yes, they may boast perfect report cards and stunning piano recitals. But we are a country full of high-achieving but depressed and suicidal college students, a record number of whom take prescription medication for anxiety and depression.

Chua argues that happiness comes from mastery, and that mastery is achieved through “tenacious practice, practice, practice.” She’s right here—practice does fuel success—but she’s wrong that forced mastery will lead to happiness. “Once a child starts to excel at something,” she writes, “he or she gets praise, admiration and satisfaction. This builds confidence and makes the once not-fun activity fun. This in turn makes it easier for the parent to get the child to work even more.”

Although there’s some logic to this “virtuous circle,” the druglike gratification that comes from this type of achievement is not happiness or fulfillment: Once the initial exhilaration wears off, it’s on to the next goal, in search of that elusive feeling of accomplishment. It’s success without long-term enjoyment, work without meaning.

Chua is prescribing life motivated by perfectionism—fear of failure, fear of disappointment. Not only is this a vicious form of unhappiness, but research by Carol Dweck and many others shows that kids who are not allowed to make mistakes don’t develop the resilience or grit they need later in life to overcome challenges or pick themselves up when they do fail. Perfectionists are far more likely to be depressed, anxious, and in college, they are more likely to commit suicide.

Perhaps even more disconcerting is how Chua disparages play and friendships: She takes pride in never letting her kids have play dates or sleepovers, so that they have more time for schoolwork and practicing their instruments.

If scientists have learned anything on the subject, it’s that social connections are the foundation for happiness, health and success in life. When kids build friendships through play, their social and emotional intelligence flourishes; social skills are a key predictor of success later in life. What’s more, research clearly links loneliness and isolation with chronic illness and increased mortality rates, not to mention unhappiness.

I’m not suggesting that you should fret about your children’s self-esteem, pump them full of false praise or let them run wild. I don’t do those things, and I don’t advocate permissive parenting. I do advocate happiness and joy as the paths to a meaningful life.

But if that sounds fluffy to you—if you, like Chua, value your children’s success over their long-term happiness—and you are inclined to practice Chua’s methods for turning out an Ivy Leaguer, here is what I want you to remember: Fostering the skills that kids need for happiness is a better bet for their long-term success.

About

We're all living the family dynamic, as parents, as children, as siblings, uncles and aunts. At Motherlode, lead writer and editor KJ Dell’Antonia invites contributors and commenters to explore how our families affect our lives, and how the news affects our families—and all families. Join us to talk about education, child care, mealtime, sports, technology, the work-family balance and much more