Resolutions … Fuhgeddaboudit!

Happy New Year!

Know this, all evidence of our holiday was eviscerated from our living quarters and banished to the arctic chill of the attic as of December 27 th. This is not shocking when one is wed to a supremely organized human and his order taking minnion, The Firstborn. The rest of us try to avoid them at all cost during “Christmas clean-up”and can be found hiding in the laundry room snacking on stale mini saltines whilst perusing www.loveandknuckles.com.

Due to this unexpected gift of extra time, what did I accomplish during the last few days of break? I have been ferociously brainstorming a 2015 New Year’s Resolution List. The irony of the fact that it is January 4 th is not lost. In my mind, as New Year’s Day fell on a Thursday, the annexed weekend simply does not count as the new year. A fresh 2015 begins for me Monday morning, January 8 th. That was 4 BONUS days to imbibe on my bad habits.

If you can’t be bothered to generate one or are simply too busy, I am here for you. As a courtesy to my readers, I have banged out a few resolutions for you that are guarenteed to ensure a happy 2015.

8. Do less housework! Why fold laundry and do dishes when you could be reading a trashy celeb mag or getting your nails done? Rally the children. Why else did you create them? Pretend it’s 1940’s in rural Idaho where a child’s purpose was do do farm work. Culturally, we are way too soft on this generation of offspring. Gather up your toilet brushes and get your kids a’ scrubbin’.

7. Be disorganized. Studies show that sloppy people have creative, sparkly minds that shouldn’t be supressed.

6. Eat very fatty meat. There are so many toxins in pesticides these days, you are probably doing more harm to yourself eating blackberries and kale. Organic pig product on the other hand, while full of artery clogging fats, is tasty and full of protein.

5. Mental Well being! No complaining about snow, ice and other treacherous weather. Better living through chemistry- go get a happy pill script and a monthly tanning bed package.

4. Stop doing hard excercise classes. It’s silly, really. Alternatively, because you must take advantage of your gym’s free babysitting, jump on the treadmill for a nice leasurely walk. Don’t go too fast, you need to be able to safely access your social media so you can see pictures of all the parties you weren’t invited to last holiday season.

3. Sleep more! If you just train your oldest child how to use the microwave to make organic pig products for breakfast and leave the milk in the easiest accessable shelf on your fridge, you could sleep in at least an extra 45 minutes every morning.

2. Be present! Stop nagging/yelling at kids. Instead, perfect the pulverizing above rear elbow pinch when they behave badly. They will be paralyzed and if you are swift, no one else will notice your ninja pinch move.

1. Stop drinking wine! It’s much, much too caloric. But, by all means, don’t stop drinking. Rum on the rocks or with diet coke is a healthy alternative. Don’t forget gluten free vodka, because we all know if it doesn’t have gluten, it is automatically healthy.