Cheater cheats

ex seethes and snoops

January 11, 2012|Ask Amy

Dear Amy: I have trust issues. I dated a known cheater for a long time. He often denied evidence I found of his possible dalliances and made me believe it was all an unbelievable coincidence or that it was one-sided attention from another woman.

We have been broken up for a little while now. Two weeks after we broke up, I found an email exchange in his account that details a very intimate night out between him and another woman. They said how much they cared for each other.

They spoke of their meetings, of sneaking around and hiding things from me, and they detailed past physical encounters.

I know we are no longer together but I want to share with him that I now know the truth. Friends tell me this will make me look bad for reading his emails, instead of being vindicated for being right.

What should I do?

— Hurt

Dear Hurt: You dated a "known cheater" and he did what cheaters do: He cheated. This is disappointing, to be sure — but more disappointing is what this has done to you. You have changed from being a (presumably) respectable person to an email snoop.

I can't imagine your ex would care what you know at this point, and if you reveal this to him he would very quickly brand you the dishonest one.

You care about his behavior and he doesn't — and so this episode will not go well for you.

If it would make you feel better, you could forward back to him the email exchange you read with only one line at the top: "You need to change your password."

Dear Amy: My daughter is divorced and has a son, 16, and a daughter, 14. My daughter has primary custody. Their father lives five hours south and has the kids over the holidays, summer and numerous other times.

The problem is that the 14-year-old girl thinks she is in love with a boy she met while staying with her dad. She has accepted a promise ring from this 17-year-old. It has a diamond in it (fake or real? I don't know). She is wearing it on her left ring finger. We are concerned that this pretty, smart girl would be so foolish to commit herself at this tender age.

We feel she should return the ring, but obviously her father did nothing to stop this relationship in its tracks. My daughter has tried to reason with him over the years, but he is impossible. He is an older, bitter man who caused the divorce with his cheating.

My daughter is afraid that if she makes her daughter return the ring, the girl will move in with her father.

We have explained to her she is much too young to be in a serious relationship.

What are your thoughts?

— A Concerned Grandmother

Dear Concerned: I agree that your granddaughter is too young to be in a serious relationship.

Her mother should promote an atmosphere of openness by not freaking out, letting the girl talk about and describe this boy, and guiding her to exercise good judgment. She should ask what this promise ring means and express an interest in meeting the boyfriend.

I agree that the ring should be returned, but think that ultimately this should be up to the girl.

The mother should share her concerns honestly and without bringing her opinion of the father into it. Any bitterness or anger toward him has no place in this drama.

Nor should she let her daughter hold her hostage. As the primary custodial parent, she needs to be firm and in charge, regardless of her anxieties.

The girl should be encouraged to be very involved in school, after-school activities and local friendships.

Dear Amy: You advised "Flustered" (the woman whose husband smoked but she was the one who received comments about the odor) to be sure she changed her clothes before she went to choir practice.

Part of the problem may well be her hair. As a nonsmoker who worked at a restaurant where smoking was allowed, my hair used to reek of smoke as I finished a shift.