Longest on the carpet: Mimi walks so slow

Mimi’s tits weren’t pouring out of her dress. Like, Michelle actually described it as “demure”. Shocking development. Had to lie down for a while to process it. Because two nights before at the Spirit Awards, Mimi pretty much stuffed herself into a short black number and as a result, we actually couldn’t breathe for her. She is an amazon of a woman. It’s an impressive package – all curve and cheese, nails and hair, all of it waving in your face, and you couldn’t bat it away if you tried.

And Mariah Carey actually showed up in support of a prestige project. What? As you’d expect, she worked the sh-t out of that carpet. Never again will anyone walk so slowly down Hollywood Boulevard. Every five minutes I’d look over for an update and she would have only moved a foot. It doesn’t help, obviously, that she can barely walk. When you add that to the fact that she refused, REFUSED, to pick up the pace, well, it became, literally, the longest single journey into the Kodak of all time.

When she rounded the corner towards the second photo wall, Nick had to straight up yank her towards the stairs. Even the photographers were like – bitch, we have no more space on our memory cards, please bounce!

And so eventually she did. Not unhappily... but maybe definitely reluctantly. Because she knew she wouldn’t be in the show. And she wasn’t.