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Flawed, Imperfect, Abnormal, & Bitchnificent

Value

I swear sometimes I feel like I sound like a broken, warped, cracked record. But here I go again…..

Father’s Day at my sister’s house was nice. I enjoyed spending time with my niece and nephew playing, laughing, and holding them. They give the best cuddles EVER. I mean they smell like snuggles fabric softner and they love to hug me. Even after they’ve hugged me when I walk in the door….I’ll be loading the dish washer or doing something around the house while everyone is talking and they latch onto my leg wanting more hugs. They make me feel so special. These kids are so perfect to me. Why can’t they stay at the tender ages of four and two?

At our Father’s Day celebration my brother-in-law’s parents were visiting. I’m not a fan of his Dad at all. His Mom is a beautiful, caring, sweet and a timid soul. She always seems like a wilted flower to me. She seems scared or frightened to say much of anything to anyone. When she does talk it’s about her grandchildren, her gardening or work stuff. I always enjoy our chats when I do see her. But, her husband is basically a low hanging meat grape. What’s that you ask? It’s a raging festering bleeding hemorrhoid.

Why would I say this about someone? Because he belittles his wife and his own Mom. His Mom is 80 years old and has cancer. She has little use of her hands and is going through chemo and radiation. He told us all at the dinner table that his wife had wrecked their car and how it was all her fault. He said she should’ve kept her fat ass at work instead of out gallivanting on her lunch break. She was with a lady from work going out to lunch and was a four way stop sign. No one was charged for the accident by the police so in my eyes it’s not her fault. Besides, why would you call your wife a fat ass?! He was also bragging about how he makes his Mom cook him dinner some nights when his wife is working. “So what she can’t use her hands sometimes. I don’t care if she has cancer. It’s tough love. If I make her do things for me she’ll get better. If she sits around moping she’ll die.” He said all of these things in front of both women.

I didn’t open my mouth. I feel like I should have. My husband said it’s probably good that I didn’t or it would’ve caused a lot of problems within the family and would’ve made everyone feel awkward. Really? As though no one felt awkward already? But, I didn’t want it to make things worse with me telling him that he was a fucking asshole and that I would meet him in the drive way and bring him to his fucking knees by grabbing his needle dick and crunching it in my fist. The thought crossed my mind to do this and to ask him to squeal like a girl but I kept the peace. He and his wife have been together for 30 years. She’s put up with his bullshit for that long. His Mom was laughing as he said the things about her and I couldn’t believe she would laugh at his harsh words. Maybe it was a nervous thing for her. Neither women spoke up for themselves. Neither did anyone else in the room, not even his son listening to his Dad downgrade two of the most important women in his life. It sickened me and hurt me to not say anything.

I’m trying to decide if I should take a stand and tell my sister that I won’t be coming back to the next family event if he’ll be there. But, I don’t want to miss birthdays and family celebrations. Should I have said something?

What would you have done? Keep in mind I’m a chic and we’re in the south. A lot of the men in the south are like this. And, when a woman speaks up to a man like this it’s a big fucking deal. I hate causing waves but I feel like something should’ve been said. There were about 10 of us adults sitting at the table while this conversation was going on.

Oh yeah, he was talking about some show he’s been watching how “hard” he got watching it and how he would’ve liked to have done a few things to the chic on the show. Yeah, this was in front of his wife, his Mom, myself, my sister and my Step Mom. Sick mother fucker.

Not that I’m one to really give any advice but ladies and gentlemen, if you’re ever disrespected, disparaged, undervalued by your significant other…..Check them hard. What I mean is you’re not anyone’s doormat. You are valued. Stand up for yourself. It’s unacceptable for anyone to be treated this way. Do not hold your head down and be ashamed. If they abuse you verbally, physically, etc. get the fuck out. Don’t know how? Tell a friend. Someone will help you. If you don’t have anyone there’s places you can call. Google it. It’s not just women that go through this. It’s men too. I’ve witnessed it.I know it’s not that easy and some people feel like they cannot go anywhere or they’re too afraid.

I can say if I were living with someone like this I would hurt him badly. I wouldn’t kill him but I would make him very sick. There are so many things I would do to make him suffer. I would make him regret every damn thing he’d ever done to me. He would have the shits daily and nightly because I would put something in his food. I would also put a brown recluse spider in his underwear while he was sleeping. Oh the things I would come up with to hurt him. He would deserve everything I did too. Ok, I’m not that crazy but you get the drift.

He’s an asshole, to be sure. What special version of shitty a shitty waste of skin does that?!? His mom should use her forced-to-work-hands to beat the son of a bitch about the head. But, you react? You look like the trouble maker, people stop seeing each other, and it can morph into something it’s not meant to be…in a nano second. I’d not create an unnecessary scene, but he’s really not YOUR family. If you care to take him aside, just the two of you, and let him know how repulsive and disrespectful he’s being, and threaten to “grab his needle dick and crunch it” in your fist, by all means, do so. And by the way, not all of us in the South are pathetic excuses for men. Some are gentlemen, respectful, and polite. All while saying, “Fuck you, asshole!”, with a dose of charm and a drawl, y’all. 😃

Or, you could stand up from the table, slinging your chair backwards in the process, throw a piece of chicken at his, and tell shut his lame ass up or else. It’d get his attention…and be oh so deliciously satisfying. What a cretin. 😏

I would probably be too much of a wuss to say anything directly… not that that’s the right thing to do, but I know me. However, I likely would have gotten up and left the room. If anyone asked why, I would tell them. The kids must have been eating somewhere… I’d go sit with them. Or stay in the kitchen.

I would call the sister, though. I wouldn’t say I wouldn’t come to any events that the asshat was at in the future because I wouldn’t want to cut myself off from those gatherings. But I would most certainly let her know how incredibly unacceptable and inappropriate he was and that it made you extremely uncomfortable… or something. Don’t know if it would do any good, but if no one speaks up, I’d tell someone… just not in front of anyone because I’m a coward.

Also, if behavior like this is common in the south… I think I’d be desperate to move!!

Great advice Sandra! I’ll probably wait a while before I say anything. Tomorrow is my sister’s birthday. I don’t want to upset her. You’re so right about not missing the family functions. Thanks for your insight!

Bad behavior is not to be tolerated. Sounds like he’s used to steamrolling the process, and until someone derails him, he will behave as he as become accustomed.
Tough family situation. You don’t want to miss out on those precious children.

It would be awesome if you could confront him as a family, his behavior isn’t good for those children either. What does that teach them about how to treat their parents? That way you would have a united front, no one person is the “bad guy” except the one with the bad behavior, and if he decides not to participate anymore, he loses, and he should be the one to change here, not you.

Believe me, I would want to kick his butt too and crusade him with fire out the door. I’ve just had to learn the hard way that stepping out by myself has left me holding the bag. Don’t make my mistakes.

But you are a smart cookie, and can find a way to make your point without losing.

You are a remarkable, loving Aunt, and I am always in awe of your warrior heart.

Awe you are so sweet. That’s a good idea. My hubby was stating he thinks my brother-in-law has some of his Dad’s traits. So I might not get a warm understanding on my thoughts. But if he treats my sister or those babies badly there will be retaliation.

Yes, he is an asshole. Sadly, no matter what you say to him, he won’t change. He doesn’t think he is doing anything wrong and doesn’t feel that he needs to change. I would avoid him the best you can. Visit when you know he won’t be there. You can speak your mind, but be aware that he won’t change from the confrontation. He just won’t change. Life is too short to have to worry about this nonsense.

I have to ignore my parents on Facebook pretty much all the time because of the often ignorant, racist, or generally objectionable crap they share. Part of it is a generational thing, but a huge part of it is that I am very, very different to them too…

Cold unblinking stare. No expression. Say nothing. Keep total control and remote like they don’t matter. It unsettles them.
I have a few other ploys but they’re male vs male stuff. (and involve getting across the message that real men don’t behave like this)

I wouldn’t go back. I mean you can’t control other people. You can only control yourself, so what I’ve learned is it takes a brave move to say, “No thanks. I’ll see the kids during their birthdays, but I’m not gonna be uncomfortable while he’s acts like an a-hole.” I’ve done it several times and people are mad with me, but until I can have 100% inner peace around certain family members, I choose to stay home.

He is an obvious psychopath … They are not all serial killers! They have no conscience with regards to others feeling, yet feign feelings of their own. I would recommend reading The Psychopath Next Door, Snakes in Suits, or one of the growing volumes on them. The best way to confront them is one on one, rather than in front of the family. Psychopaths use the conscience of good people against them, and good people often let their behavior slide because of that, but to confront him in front of others would give him more power. There is a lot on the internet now about dealing with them. Some say 6% of people have this condition, and sadly they often rise to positions of power. Read up and then have at him.