Best of The Man Scientists estimate that her pant suit is a size 967 XXL.

Best of Son Of The Godfather In this updated version of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Hillary was specifically warned NOT to eat the Ego-berries.

Best of Son Of The Godfather "It's a good thing ya done that to Hillary, Timmy, a REAL good thing... Now wish her into the cornfield."

Best of Son Of The Godfather In 1st-person shooter games, this is known as a "boss" character at the end of a level... Aim for the weakest point, in this instance, the soul (it's not supposed to be easy).

Best of Jack Reacher Dominating Washington; so easy a giant balloon-head can do it.

Best of Submariner "...and after the 2008 election, the new queen pronounced that under her ever-present gaze, eternal winter should lay across Amerikkka to please her icy heart."

Best of Occasional Reader CHEF: You can try, Robert Smith, but that thing just beat the crap out of Leonard Maltin AND Sidney Poitier!! ROBERT SMITH: I have to try. I can't let Hillary Clinton do this to the entire world.

Best of Kevin Walker Linus: "And the Great Pumpkin shall come for all the little OMFG WTF IS THAT!?!?!?! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!"

Best of prince of leaves And in one maniacal gulp, the dreaded Sta-Queefed Marshmallow Head ate the entire Congress.

Best of prince of leaves "I am become Shrillary, devourer of worlds!"

Best of bubbalove With a deafening roar, Shrill-zilla released her radioactive breath on the unsuspecting denizens of the Capitol Building!

Best of Capt. queeg More ORA:"Gozer the Gozerian... good evening. As a duly designated representative of the City, County and State of New York, I order you to cease any and all supernatural activity and return forthwith to your place of origin or to the nearest convenient parallel dimension."

Best of Submariner A voice shrills "Morsmordre!" and the capitol sky is suddenly alight with the horrifying visage of the Death Eaters...

Best of affablerants "I know, I love the 'gooy entitlement center' too! Now,if it weren't for that nasty 'constitutional coating' getting stuck in my throat, this would be the perfect edible diorama."

Best of Double the U BOB?? BOB!! Have any of you seen Bob? Last time I saw him he was eating some batter.

Best of Submariner "What are we going to do tonight, Brain?" "Same thing as every night, Pinky. Try to take over the... oh, sorry Sen Clinton. What do you want to do, tonight?" "Same thing as every night, Brain. Try to take over the world!"

Best of Van Helsing Fast food doesn't come any fresher than Taco Bell's new Rata Enchilada.

Best of Double the U Ya know, once they got rid of the cockroaches, this place isn't too bad.

Best of prince of leaves Willard's job at the fast-food joint didn't last one night.

Best of prince of leaves A scene from one of Britney's recurring detox nightmares.

1. “Sorry Tom, but if you wanna be a blood, you gotta bust a cap in crip's ass. No exceptions.”2. "Now, now, consider the advantages to living in a house built directly on the sun."3. Tim Hardaway's agent braces for his beating after telling him that his "Dancing with the Stars" partner will be Lance Bass.4. “No, Tom, I do not know where you can score some crack.”5. "Go ahead and stare. I can play pocket-pool all the livelong day."6. "Whazzou talkin' 'bout, Willis?"7. "So, is your cousin 'Crab-Man' still in the witness protection program?”8. “Hide ‘em all you want Tom, but one day, when you least expect it, I *will* pull your finger.”9. “What did you just say about my ‘smooth, chocolatey head?’”10. "All right! I admit it! I was out all night pimping with Wayne Brady."

Best of Jack Reacher "Do you realize that if your neck and mine were averaged, we could build one dude with a normal-size neck?

Best of Submariner ORA: It's all so pointless, Gayle. I mean, I know perfectly well what's wrong with me. Gayle, I think I'm pregnant.

Best of prince of leaves "Look, Steve, for the last time, I don't 'do the down low'...at least, not with nebbishy white guys..."

Best of Cbrludite C. Ray Nagin (D) explanes his vision of a "Chocolate City" to a white New Orleanian voter.

Best of Silhouette "I can't believe you wore the same gray suit. Now people will be mixing us up all day. Geez."

10. "Oh, great, Hillary and Rosie are revving their Harleys in the parking lot. This could go on for hours."

Best of Submariner THAT'S no way to kill roaches!

Best of Van Helsing A moment later, Ellen Degenerate thrust her head forward, impaling her brain and finally earning herself the attention she craved as various relatives and lesbian lovers squabbled in court over her corpse.

Best of Submariner Welcome to "Degenerate Karaoke" where every song is a double-entendre. I'll start things off: ♪If you knew sushi, like I "know" sushi...♪

Best of Adjustah Olive Garden: When you're here, you're Femi-Nazi.

Best of Double the U It is thicker and much much longer then the Hollywood liberal men she used to date.

Best of prince of leaves Why is Portia smiling like that, you ask? Because that long, skinny thing sticking out of Ellen's mouth is her prehensile tongue.

3. The scary part is she could instantly rehabilitate her reputation and career by screaming, "Bush lied! No war for oil!"

4. "GYM-KA-TA!"

5. "Stop laughing and help me break the window! K-Fed's locked himself in again."

Best of prince of leaves "No, Britney, you're NOT 'Veejur'...now put down the umbrella and step away from the SUV..."

Best of Van Helsing Fatefully, their SUV ran out of gas near a remote Pennsylvania graveyard, soon after the dead had begun to rise from their graves, hungry for the flesh of the living. Some had already mastered the crude use of tools.

Best of Double the U How nature says, "Do Not Touch"

Best of Jack Reacher "You heard it! The ****ing truck is laughing at me!"

"So the photographer says, 'we like the photos of you shaved, you know,' and I'm like 'Oh, I can shave and show you more,' and he's like 'Yeah, that'd be great,' and I'm like 'Wait till they get a load of me.'"

Best of Submariner Fox announced the addition of a "B. Spears" to the cast of Reno 911 today...

Best of Submariner DAMMIT! I said bring your Droogs and meet me at the milk bar!

Best of Rodney Dill "Hello Onstar?"

Best of attmay The side effects of chemotherapy were particularly devastating on one M. Poppins of London, England.

Best of attmay Rodgers and Hammerstein's lost musical "The Psycho Chick and I" is seldom revived for a reason.

Best of Jonathan "Dammit, Jorgé, stop guessing what she is and just give her the f#*&in' Crazy Candy!"

Best of Jonathan Jorgé is wondering "Where the Sam Hillary did her neck go?"

Best of Jonathan "Why should you vote for me? Do the words 'Vince Foster' mean anything to you?"

Best of Capt. Queeg "So, Jorge, did you ever see that scene in Alien where Harry Dean Stanton is looking for the cat?..."

Best of curly “Welcome to America, Jorge. Do you know how I can reach that saucy little fence jumper that I heard about last week?”

Best of curly “We welcome all the illegals…our soylent green could use some spices.”

Best of curly Illegal Mexican boys, willing to be touched by the politicians that American boys refuse to be near.

Best of Silhouette "I see you already have your hat in the correct position. Now, on your knees."

Best of prince of leaves ORA: "Always remember: the Corps is mother, the Corps is...the other mother."

Best of prince of leaves Pulling the rug out from under John Edwards, Hillary takes time out from campaigning to heal cripples with a laying on of hands.

Best of prince of leaves When asked later in life when exactly he caught the gay, Jorge would blame it on the lapdance he got from Hillary backstage at a campaign rally.

Best of Jack Reacher I was once a pudgy little boy like you, you know.

Best of bubbalove Susan the young Wiccan apprentice watched with glee but with impotent rage, Terry the Secret Service agent averted his eyes yet again as Hill-elzebub opened her gaping maw and quickly sucked the life-force out of her latest innocent victim!

Best of Cricket As the Death Eaters kept watch, Lady Voldemort selected her final Horcrux.

Best of Rodney Dill "Dennis Kuchinich, It's so good to see you again."

Best of Van Helsing A moment later, Shrillary sated herself by sucking the kid's brains out through the eye socket.

Best of Adjustah "See, I do have the heart of a small child. Now how do I get it out of her?"

Best of Rodney Dill "Yes I do have a prick... his name is Bill."

Best of Submariner Ah, the Farce is strong in this young one. I can use him for my machinations of galactic conquest...

4. "See what happens when you spray it directly into their eyes? 'No More Tears' my gigantic ass!"

5. "Little Cindy Lou is just one of the thousands of horrific SuperGlue victims who will be protected by my new legislation."

6. They thought Cindy Lou was just being silly, until Hillary opened the Ark of the Covenant.

7. Cindy Lou didn't give a damn what the shrill dyke was yammering on about, she was too busy preparing for her Oedipus audition.

8. "I see my good friend Rosie O'Donnell has just joined the 'Boobs for Peace' movement."

9. "So, you're what... seven? And you're still playing peek-a-boo? Let me tell you how I'm going to increase Special Education funding for little mongoloids like you."

10. Cindy Lou thought, Ohmigawd, does she even listen to herself while she spews that neo-communist claptrap? I'm embarrassed to be a girl.

Best of andthenblammo! "But I don't want to have two mommies!"

Best of andthenblammo! "I don't care how famous that little Dutch boy is, I'm not putting my finger in that!"

Best of curly “Make it go away Daddy! Make it go away!”

Best of curly “It rubs the lotion in its eyes, or its squeezed by my thunderous thighs.”

Best of Van Helsing Shrillary's open fly resulted in severe psychiatric trauma for little Cindy Lou.

Best of WALSTIB "Butt I don't want to wear the buttless chaps, again!"

Best of Submariner Thought bubble; "...it's only a tail... it's only a tail... it's only..."

Best of curly “…and when I’m President, we’ll not only allow partial birth abortions but infanticide up to age six, which would include this whiny little Mongoloid right here.”

Best of Double the U "MOM! Zee goggles, they do nothing!

Best of prince of leaves Though President-for-Life Hillary claimed she was doing it "for the children", little Cindy Lou just couldn't watch as David Horowitz and Katherine Harris were dragged up against the wall and shot.

Best of prince of leaves "And of course, without the advances in stem-cell technology made possible by my work in the Senate, donor clones like Cindy Lou here wouldn't have been possible..."

Best of prince of leaves Where will you be when your "OMIGOD! I LOOKED INTO ITS SOULLESS EYES!!!!!" kicks in?

Best of Double the U Mommy that monster that hides under my bed at night is standing right in front of me!

Best of Jack Reacher Senator Clinton tells a little girl "You could grow up to be just like me," unintentionally costing the girl's parents thousands of dollars in therapy bills.

Best of Double the U Mommy, Mommy (sob) do all girls hips grow up to be that wide?

Sunday, February 18, 2007

3. "I don't know who Elizabeth is, but Mrs Pelosi sure is happy to be going to wherever she is.

4. "When did queefing get so competitive?"

5. "Told ya. Ben-Gay in the Kotex dispenser works every time."

6. Pelosi suffers a sudden flashback to the Democratic Womyn's Leather Retreat, when she walked in on Hillary in the shower and found out that was no strap-on!

7. Then, unexpectedly one morning, Pelosi developed a conscience, and the guilt from years of destroying America and undermining the troops caught up with her in one fell swoop.

8. "Can't you kids see Grandma Nanny is on the crapper?"

9. "Kids, Granma Nanny can no longer feel her face because of the botox and she has to talk to the nice reporters. Am i smiling or is my face contorted in a horrifying death rictus?"

10. "Arrrgh! Those horrible flags! Like crucifixes to a vampire, they are!"

Best of Lyn "Get off my foot."

Best of Van Helsing Once the full moon began to rise, nothing Pelousy could do would stop the transformation.

Best of Brian in MA Giddy, Pelosi shouted in ecstacy: "Hey little Mexican boy and other assorted day laborers, er, minorities, do you need a job after school? I know a great vineyard you can work at!"

Best of Adjustah "Melting! I'm melting..."

Best of curly Trying to stay hip and with it when it comes to ass ornaments, Granny Babs is still not quite comfortable with the newly installed black license plate on her butt.

Best of curly “Yes Satan, I hear you loud and clear! Can you turn the volume down a bit, Sir?”

Best of WALSTIB "That's the last time I leave home with Depends Lite."

Best of Submariner Must.Resist.Urge.To.Fondle.Pert.Asian.Buttocks...

Best of Submariner If I was on MY plane I wouldn't HAVE to sit in the middle of these little snot-gobblers...

Best of attmay "Okay, Nan. You can do it. You CAN go a whole day without eating a small child. One day at a time, Nan," she thought to herself.

Best of WhoopsieDaisey Shoulda checked that my Gyno removed the speculum BEFORE I left her office...

Best of prince of leaves "Get...out...of my...miiiinnnndddd!!!"

Best of prince of leaves "I wanna be first in line! I wanna be first in line! I wanna be first in line! How come I never get to be first in line?!?" -- Nancy Pelosi, reenacting the childhood moment when she decided to become a Democrat politician.

Best of prince of leaves Speaker Pelosi grew increasingly agitated when she repeatedly failed to lure the children into her oven.

Friday, February 16, 2007

2. "Senior Week" at Hogwarts is traditionally a time of smoke bombs, pranks, and soon-to-be-graduates running around naked yelling, "Want to make some magic with my staff?"

3. Andrew Sullivan presents, Harry Potter and the Bareback Bathhouse.

4. "And with this spell, I will ruin every romantic couple's picture in the world!"

5. "All right! I made it! Now, to get busy with Sarah Connor and destroy that T1000!"

6."Somehow, it just feels right to conduct Ravel's Bolero naked."

7. "Whoa? The last thing I remember was Barney Frank handing me a Roofie Colada. Now, I wake up, surrounded by pot smoke, with a twenty dollar bill on my night stand and a size six poop chute."

8. "Okay, now I can count to 21."

9. "Hogwarts has been clothing-optional ever since Sully took over from Dumbledore. Also, he kicked out all of the girls."

10. "Come back Hermione! It's just shrinkage!"

Best of The Man Barney Frank just loves when his interns play nude 2-hand touch football....

Best of Submariner All hail K! All hail K!

Best of Submariner "Turn around, dammit!" Andrew frequently irritated other theatre patrons by screaming at the screen...

Best of curly “If you can read the numbers on the black license plate attached to my ass, then you’re gay.”

Best of curly Bone of the actor, willingly shown. Flesh of the savant, willingly sacrificed. Pants of the looney left, forcibly taken. The Dark Lord shall rise again.

Best of curly Daniel Radcliffe’s urologist reports that the star of Harry Potter had “the worst case of penile hogwarts that I’ve ever seen.”

Best of prince of leaves Hermione: "No wait, Harry! The potion calls for mandrake root, not man-root!"

Best of prince of leaves Harry doesn't get killed in "The Deathly Hallows", but he does get expelled from Hogwarts just before graduation due to an unseemly incident involving a case of butterbeer and an underage house elf.

Best of Rodney Dill "No I haven't seen Sully's new ice cream hot fudge dispenser."

Best of sonicfrog Harry Potter poses for the upcoming Rush album...

Best of sonicfrog Daniel Radcliffe auditions for the role of Robbie Williams.

Best of attmay Get aload of THESE, Elizabeth Montgomery!

Best of Adjustah Harry was not spared the Potter curse of peeing smoke after age 16.

1. Val's Day in Teheran. No decadent western cards or candy, just lots of wholesome halal butt-sex.

2. Ahmadinejihad is accustomed to being 'accommodated' by the US State Department.

3. "72 Virgins for the one who finds my contact lens!"

4. Unable to get enough uranium for a nuclear weapon, Ahmadinejihad sees what he can manage with a hundred martyrs, a thousand Taco Bell burritos, and a Zippo.

5. "And your last meal was sniff kebab with sheep and a side of cabbage..." Ahmaddinejihad still hoped Letterman would book him on 'Stupid People Tricks.'

Best of Van Helsing Mad Mahmoud wonders how many butts he could kick and then get out the door without anyone seeing who did it.

Best of curly Ahmadinejihad seems perplexed as to which of his submissive 72 virgins would enjoy his attentions first.

Best of curly Beheadings are red, my balls are blue, Here in the back of the mosque, I’m thinking of you.

Best of Straight8 How many more do we need? Just one and we have the Guiness record? Gotcha, I'm goin' in.

Best of Submariner Ahmadinejihad's thought bubble; "I hope to Allah that nobody ate at the 'Colon Blow Cafe' for lunch..."

Best of The Pink Hammer I don't know what they're doing, one of them said a U.S. diplomat told them to kiss their asses goodbye?

Best of prince of leaves "Aww, mom, do I have to bend over and smell their stinky behinds?" After a particularly spicy falafel dinner, Armanidinnerjacket's nightmares take him back to his abusive childhood.

Best of Rodney Dill "I sure hope Dr. Akmed was right when he said our nuclear program needed a critical ass."

8. "Smokin', Drinkin', and Boobies are all okay. The William Shatner Translation of the Bible kicks ass!"

9. "Father Flanagan, if I were even the least bit interested, would I be wearing this shirt?"

10. "Hey, as soon as I realized that the walking, talking, queefing embodiment of PMS was probably going to be the next president, I quit smoking and drinking, picked up my Bible, and made sure God knew I wasn't gay."

6. "Tomorrow, my sisters, we rise up and slaughter everything with testicles!"

7. "... and I said no way was that SanFran hootchie going to have a bigger jet than me!"

8. "And if you Hugo Chavez can have absolute power, why not me? After all, mine's bigger!"

9. "That's not funny!" Hillary responds negatively to a reporter's question on how many feminists it takes to change a lightbulb.

10. "I don't need blog-skanks from the slutroots, I can hate the Christ0fascist godbags all by myself!"Best of WALSTIB YES. Put em BOTH in me! Like THIS!

Best of Van Helsing "And if you don't let me be President, my angry screeching will shatter your eardrums!"

Best of Submariner BALLS!

Best of curly "I did not have sex with that woman"

Best of Son Of The Godfather "KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"

Best of Targetpractice "I want you to get this fuck where he breathes! I want you to find this nancy-boy Barack Obama, I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND! I wanna go there in the middle of the night and I wanna PISS ON HIS ASHES! "

Best of Silhouette "Dammit, I am the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby!!!"

Best of Submariner Oh yeah; we want THIS controling the nuclear launch codes...

Best of Rodney Dill The more helium she inhaled the more frenetic and panicked Hillary became.

Best of prince of leaves The Clinton campaign went bankrupt within months, after having to replace every window within a mile of one of Shrillary's glass shattering stump speeches.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Saturday, February 10, 2007

(Real Caption) Students in teacher MB's classroom have been wearing their “respectacles” as they learn lessons on character education from Social Worker JB. In this program, these young thoughtful students discuss ways to handle hurt feelings and to resolve conflicts “without hands and feet.”

1. "Who needs testicles, when you've got respectacles?"

2. Ironically, most of the hitch-hikers Billy would later pick-up would also be found "without hands and feet."

1. "Nanny wanna big plane! Nanny wanna big plane!" Bush knew the best way to handle a five-year-old's temper tantrum was to just walk out of the store.

2. "Nancy, all your shadow puppets look the same to me, like a whiny socialist reaching for my wallet."

3. "It was a one-night stand. Get over it."

4. Harpy (har'pee) [n]: 1: a creature with an intolerable screeching voice. 2: a creature with an intolerable screeching voice who won't shut the hell up about having to refuel in Denver while a taxpayer-funded luxury bizjet carries her botoxed ass back to San Francisco. E.g. "Bush tried to escape the harpy's screeching, but the harmonics were already causing his right hand to dematerialize."

1. Oh Sure. Build a fence then put that next to it. Mr. President, you are not serious about securing our borders!

2. "Senator Clinton. I've been a bad, bad intern, and I need to be spanked."

3. Dear John Edwards, If you hire me as your blogmaster, you won't get deranged, obscenity-filled feminist rants, just Thursday after Thursday of pics like this. Think about it, won't you? Sincerely, V the K, (a.k.a. your Breck Boy).

4. Hillary knew the electrified fence had been a good investment. "You aren't getting away that easily, my young intern," she purred.

5. "I wasn't really planning on getting gang-banged by a construction crew today, but your whistles and crude catcalls have won me over. Where shall we start?"

6. "OK, I may not be a rocket scientist, but at least I'm not going to drive 900 miles in an adult diaper to cap some hootchie."

Best of curly “Yes sir. All of our 11 gauge materials are hot-dipped galvanized with a zinc coating of 1.8 ounces per square foot.”

Best of curly Next week on ‘Lesbo Eye for the Fir Pie’: Rosie and her Butch Bunch have their work cut out for them as they attempt to transform this young temptress into a placard carrying ‘Boobs For Peace’ anti-war activist.

Best of Jeff "What do you think of Beverly Hills High's new cheerleader outfits?"

Best of Submariner Cali for nicashun?

Best of attmay Kevin's upskirt fantasy of Winnie Cooper was cut from syndicated reruns of The Wonder Years,

10. Suddenly, mother pulled the girls apart. "Stop doing that! I said you were two little tykes!"

Best of Divine Miss M "If I told you once, I told you 'tards a hundred times: Close your mouth, breathe through your nose, put the helmets back on, and stop licking the windows."

Best of Rodney Dill Toldya yud stay like that if I slapped ya on the back

Best of Double the U Their eyes were shut, their tongues were hanging out, they were drooling and they needed to be led around by the hand, "These will be perfect voters for the democrat party" thought the recruiter.

Best of attmay Sorry, girls, but Michael J. Fox needs those stem cells more than you do.

Best of Van Helsing It could easily rain. Why is there no government agency charged with making sure they shut their mouths before they drown?

Best of Jack Reacher "If we're good girls, eventually we'll be colorized."

Best of prince of leaves An hour after Hillary's town-hall meeting, the girls still had the dry-heaves.

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