Formerly ScreenwriterGuy

By day I'm a user experience designer. By not-day, I head the collective of talented writers, actors, and video artists who publish sketch comedy at brevityTV.com.

My Nemeses

Jane Austen
Internet Explorer 6
Celine Dione
The TSA

Comedy/Romance monologue for women (20s to 30s): Ultra-romantic

A while back, I got a request from an actress named Daisy Faith for a new monologue. She was auditioning for a reality show on which the grand prize was a role in a sitcom. Daisy asked for a female version of the funny, neurotic guy characters like Chandler or Ross from Friends.

Well, the challenge spoke to me, and here’s my attempt:

First of all, I love you.

Not—I don’t really love you, like, LOVE you… We just don’t have a word… You know how in England, they’ll say they ‘fancy’ someone? That. I fancy you. Like, we say, I ‘like’ you, but that’s sorta, like, fifth grade, and it’s not enough to describe the flutter in my stomach. Neither is saying I fancy you, really… Umm… so, yeah, I guess that means I’m in l—Well, not—Don’t think—It’s just…

Also, I slept with your brother.

I didn’t know he was your brother though. I hadn’t met you yet. And it wasn’t my fault; he has those, your, those same deep grey eyes, you know? So I just had to do him. I couldn’t help myself. But, I mean, of course I could resist doing him if I was, you know, doing you. Not that I want to presume any… doing. Although if you felt like… a do…

I’m going to stop using that word.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Your brother’s eyes aren’t like yours: gorgeous pools of molten steel, the depths of which reflect a hidden future that a woman may only allow herself to wish for only on a starry night, your rippling arms to come home to, each of my children with that same cleft in their chin that you have. Or… that’s coming on too strong. Right? I know it is. It’s just that you seem like the kind of man who wouldn’t shy away from Love. That’s one of the things I love about you. Well, fancy about you.

I have so started without the name before. Oops. Haha. I can’t believe she was pouring her heart out to some guy at starbucks. Or, at least, that’s what it sounded like. For Advanced Theater class I have to find a monologue that moves me… FOUND ONE! Thanks so much!