Monday, March 31, 2008

Well, It's Done

As some of you already may know, Hitch and I ended our relationship the other day. It was just shy of six-months long (and trust me, that feels weird, because I didn't know time could move by so quickly!) The details of the break-up aren't really important. The good thing to know is that it went smoothly and it was (more or less) a mutual decision. I knew for a long time (possibly since from the beginning) that the relationship wouldn't last through the end of the year, and I certainly knew that it was a temporary matter.

I had some time to process some emotions before we were officially broken up, and that was good for me. I know a lot of people didn't see a point to our relationship. It was temporary, we both had two different opinions about Godly sexuality, and on those terms we really couldn't work together no matter how well we got along. We did get along well, though. In six months, I can't imagine one time we had an argument. I always wanted to see him when I saw him, and I think the same worked in reverse. I can't think of a single moment where being with him didn't comfort me and bring a smile to my face. In his own words, we had a perfect relationship. It was just doomed. That didn't stop us from enjoying it while it lasted.

Though there were many mistakes and moments of weakness in the context of the relationship (I've written about them before), I can't say that I totally regret it. I really don't. I certainly regret any sins that I committed during the relationship (just like I regret the many sins that I commit daily, from unkindness to laziness), but I also got some Christward things out of it. Hitch taught me that I can be loved and wanted. He helped boost my self-confidence (as any good friend should do), and also allowed me to be a little more emotionally close to someone and vulnerable for one. I usually put on a tough front because I want to seem perfectly okay for everyone. He allowed me to be a little more human, and I'm gonna take that lesson with me to my other friendships.

Also, I don't think I've prayed for another person as much as Hitch. He is a Christian, I know that now. I think (or hope) that being with me helped him strengthen relationship with God, even if he didn't come to the same conclusions about sexuality that I have. He's still going to Mass on Sundays, as far as I know. It's an amazing feeling to pray for someone else's relationship. I can only wish that Hitch eventually has the same relationship with God that I do.

So, the relationship helped me break out of my shell and strengthened my complete dependence on Christ. I had a lot of good memories and - even in the bad times - I think I pulled through okay. Still, it sucks for it to be over. It's a lot like grief. There's nothing I could do to stop it, I had come to terms with it long before the end came, and yet I still feel an amazing amount of hurt and loss. There are things about the relationship that I know I won't ever have again, even if Hitch and I remain friends (which I think we will, once we have time to cool down). For Hitch, he will eventually date again. I doubt I will, though. Men as patient and understanding as Hitch are hard to come by, and it requires one like that to have a relationship with me. Trust me. ;-)

Now I can focus on Christ more fully. I really am thankful for every second of the relationship and that it ended in a way that I can be proud of. I didn't compromise who I was or what Christ has done for me, and I was never asked to. Hitch and I parted with a deep hug and kisses on the cheek. Hopefully he'll still remain a part of my life and I can continue to support him as he grows in his own understanding of Christ, even if it is different from my own.

I'm sorry to hear about that, but it seems you both handled it very well.

As for not dating again, I think that's sort of of extreme. Isn't there some group where gay Christians can meet, perhaps you will find there more people who both share your strong devotion and your beliefs about what God requires in sexual behavior.

In any event, it is always good to learn from the events in our lives, grow from them and keep the good memories, of which it seems you'll have many. Be strong!

Jay- I'm so sorry to hear about you and Hitch. Breaking up is never easy, especially when two people get along so well.

I didn't hear many details of the relationship while it was going on, but it sounds like you guys were very compatible. Of course, that's not all that makes a relationship work, and not all of them work out (even the good ones, but you know that).

Even with a loss like this, you seem to have a glass is half full sort of attitude. You really are a special young man, Jay.

I'm glad you and Hitch were able to have such a wonderful friendship. I'm glad you were able to "break out of your shell" some because of it, and that you were able to help and encourage each other. Please try not to grieve. Enjoy the fact that you two shared something special and that you made several good memories that'll last you a lifetime.

I'm so sorry, Jay. Reading your post, I remembered how you have such a self-confidence and self-awareness as a Christian and a person that it pisses me off. But I'm pissed that way at most Millenials I meet.

But I digress. Of course, there is grief. And grief does STRANGE things to you. So, guard your heart these days. But it sounds very much like you are.

Love and prayers (sorry, probably a Hail Mary or two) from this old Catholic post-gay. And e-mail me if you ever need to vent.

It's nice to read how positive you seem to be at the end of it all (even with all the feelings of grief). The two almost-relationships (they ended before we made it "official") I had during these past five years of college I also felt like I knew they wouldn't last (my two guys weren't even Christians). Ironically, even though I had my doubts about the relationship being "right," they were the ones who ended things, so I often wonder if maybe that's just the way it should be, me not dating. I often pray to God that he'll just make all gay relationships for me not happen or fail if that's what it must be. I feel like, if it's not meant to be, then I don't need to worry, but if it is meant to be, then it will happen anyway. Of course, I worry anyway and I think in my mind I'm waiting for some magical sign that will finally confirm once and for all which is the route God wants, hoping desperately it won't be one shunning a gay relationship and resisting the signs that do say that.

thanks for posting as usual,Joe

(PS I'm the same Joe who posted a few times a few months ago (last semester?) and then once after Lent, but different from another Joe who I saw post once right before Lent... anyway, I'm sure that's too confusing, but just wanted to say I was someone from before!)

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