And To All A Good Donkey Show

Over Christmastime, I spend time with more family than I ever remember that I have. Sister, brothers, aunts, uncles, children, friends–all of whom I don’t see often.

We don’t see these family members often, so it’s always a new experience. It’s always an adventure. It’s always pretty fucked up Every time Adrian and I do our Holiday Round-Up Tour, we get to see, hear, and say the weirdest shit you can imagine.

Such as the following to children:

That’s not how you spell whore. You are missing the W.

We can only have one thing: Donkey Show or Christmas Tree. Which one do you really want?

Yes, if you want to dress up in front of the Christmas Tree with your Donkey Show dress you can

Because it’s not polite to fart on my toast

Oh, it’s an X-Wing Fighter. I thought it was a dildo for a second.

Never, ever repeat that word ever. I slipped.

We don’t say things like “I love the taste of blood.”

We don’t say it because we’re Transylvanian and people ask questions.

No, I won’t let you die on the tubes like last year

And to Adults:

I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over this Alan Jackson Yodeling Contest

I’m sure I’ll find a place for this 18 Month Bieber Calendar

Jackoff Contest with the shaky flashlight—GO!

I know it’s tough for women to lace up snowboard boots, but I’m fuckin’ sure I can figure it out

It’s tougher to explain racism within the bounds of a 5-second-rule, sure

This salsa tastes like I got throat-fucked with celery

Now he has a salt-gun for bugs and wine for the front porch? We don’t need more help being redneck.

It’s not unchristian to play drinking games and eat Dairy Queen on Christmas day. This is my body, this is my blood. Right?

My favorite holiday words to whisper to a kid coked up on sugar is, “I’m going to lock you in a dark closet in a wet basement” which has an amazing calming effect.RedandHowling recently posted..Christmas