On My Mind Lately..

Fool Me Once.

Today I am so sick and tired of running around in the same circle over and over. Sick and tired of dealing with people hidden within masquerades. So sick and absolutely tired of immaturity.

Today is one of those days that you send a text to your Daddio. ‘Why do guys suck dad?’

It’s a really frustrating thing. This whole ‘be in relation with others’ hooplah. I know it’s not really hooplah, but for the sake of today, it’s going to be exactly that for me. I sometimes wish I could be one of those people that could honestly care less about it. I wish I could be one of those women that don’t need no man! And I know I don’t need one, but for once, I just wish it would’ve worked out. I just wish it would’ve been different than you try your hardest not to expect to happen. These are the situations that define the stereotype of the rest of your kind, ‘You’re just like every other guy.’ Really though, you never expect things to end up the way they do. You seek out the best in people. When you meet someone, you are charmed. Completely blind sided by how amazing they seem. Like you could never imagine any reason you’d ever get frustrated at them. Like you literally don’t expect that so soon, you’re already so absolutely fed up.

Even when I feel like I hate this ridiculous broken hearted feeling, I don’t know how to get away from it. Yes, to you and probably most of the world, it’s a few weeks. It’s just different for me. I’ve never known how to put it into the right definitive words. What a very select few get about me is my heart. My heart is everything you could wonder about me, it will tell you anything you need to know. I care. That being said is such a small word to really define it’s depths within me. I truly pray, hope, and seek out the absolute best for everyone. I would do whatever it took to make sure everyone around me has the best they ever could have. What really irks me about that, is that in moments like these-really crappy, emotionally taken advantage of moments-I really despise my heart. Times like right now, I wish I knew how to hold back the way that I care. The ability to pick and choose when to open up, or brush someone off like it’s nothing. Saving it for people that I feel won’t take advantage of it. Although you would think that nobody would be able to do something so shallow. I can’t even comprehend how pathetic and sad that wish is of my heart. Even though my bitter mood may temporarily think that, I don’t ever truly want that. I don’t ever want to feel like I need to withhold the beauty I’ve been blessed with of caring on such a deep level for others.

Today though, I just can’t wrap my head around it. I feel so annoyed, hopeless, and bitter. I’m so far past blaming any guy that I’ve had feelings for. I don’t see the point in that, as for the most part they were pretty decent people. With a few exceptions of course-and y’all know who you are as you’re creeping this very post. Now it’s to the point where I literally want to go to any ex boyfriend or ‘thing’ that I had in my life at some point and ask them what it is. What is it about me that makes it not work? I rant the same situation over and over and over, but nothing ever changes. So what is that thing that I do or say or something that makes absolute sure nothing good ever comes out of me caring about any of you?

Deep down, even as I sit here extremely irate, I know my own answer. God. I still haven’t given God the time and space He needs and dang well deserves to work within my heart fully. I know that when I can do that, so many things in my life and in my heart will fall into place. Everything will. I guess now all there is to do is let you all go. Let go of this ridiculous notion that anyone will ever be ‘truly good.’ Rather, focus on letting God work within me, instead of dreaming you’ll end up different than the last. Here’s to hoping.