A little trail of breadcrumbs left behind as I make my way through the path of eating disorder treatment and recovery. So I can find my way back to appreciate the journey.

Friday, April 1, 2011

"Take time to show someone you care."

We've been talking a lot about my fear preventing me from being able to attach to people. I tend to keep people at an arm's length for fear of being hurt. I'm scared that if I invest, that investment won't be returned. Or I'll be made to look a fool. That I'm not good enough to have friends or that they won't find me interesting enough to want to keep being my friend.

Lots of garbage that makes it really, really challenging.

I've decided that I need to step up and put myself out there in a more "agressive" way in finding and maintaining friendships. In a LOT of ways, it's like 5th grade Julie is going to a new school and the terror of being ostracized is just looming out there. In other ways, it's like coming back after summer break and hoping the friends you haven't seen in three months still like you and want to be around you.

It's so strange because there's this really loud voice in my head that practically yells, "I have no IDEA why you people wouldn't want o be my friend??! I'm AMAZING!!" And somewhere, that inner critic pops in and drowns it out with insecurity.

It's HARD for me to put myself out there. Simple, "Oh shoot! I have other plans! Can w edo it another night?" can turn into a downward spiral quick in my brain. A pile of "what ifs".

I also fear that people will think I care TOO much about them. I have this instinct to want to connect - maybe overly connect if I were to listen to the ol' Inner Critic - and I worry that people will think it's weird if I reach out to them.

In an attempt to move forward, I'm starting to try reconnect with people from years ago. People who I was friends with, loved, had fun times with and who my Inner Critic has told me are happy that I'm out of their lives. Knowing that the IC is full of BS on a certain level, I'm putting myself out there. First to an old college roomate and friend who touched my heart with a recent blog post. I just extended some kind words - the ones I was thinking anyway - and let her know I was thinking of her. From that, she told me she'd love to go for coffee and catch up if we were ever in the same city. And that made me feel awesome. Another, I connected with after she posted a pic of herself at work on Facebook. I commented that she looked pretty - which she did! LOL - and we got connected via email. She also said she'd drop whatever she was doing the next time I was in her city to go hang out and catch up.