Tuesday, April 05, 2011

Major In Her Face Day!

You thought that majoring in Patty’s face would be easy but you’re failing out of college now because you forgot to study, which is sad because studying didn’t require anything more than staring at Patty’s face, taking it in, marveling at her eyes and the poke of her nose and the way her cheeks puff out when she’s angry. But you’ve been having real trouble.

“Look,” Patty says. “I would have been fine if that night at the bar when you told me you were going to major in my face, it was just some pickup line. But you went through with it and chose my face as your concentration. Do you know how embarrassing it is for me that you’re about to fail?”

“I don’t wanna talk about it.”

“Have you seen another face you wish you’d majored in?” she asks.

“No. Just drop it all right? I’ll go pump gas or something. Who needs college?”

“You do!” Patty says. “We all do. You can’t just quit. Is it really that hard to study my face?”

You’ll finally break down and let it all out.

“I’m bad with faces all right!” you shout, crying before you realize it. “You happy to hear me say it?”

You’ll fall to the ground and sob. Patty will rub your back until you calm down.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” she’ll ask.

“I’m great with names,” you say. “Faces though. I just blank.”

Patty will ask how you got through high school and you’ll tell her you were on football and the rally girls remembered all the faces for the guys who had trouble.

“Well we’re not going to let that stop you,” Patty will say. “Now that we know how hard we have to work, we can do it. I’m not going to let you quit.”

Then you and Patty won’t sleep for the rest of the weekend so you can cram, which basically means you’ll spend the next 72 hours staring at Patty’s face and repeating to yourself, “That’s Patty’s face.” You’ll also use some flashcards that have pictures of her face on one side, with her name on the other side. When you finally take the test you’ll get a C and Patty will tell you how proud of you she is and you’ll say “Do I know you?” but it will be just a funny joke.