A daily memoir of sorts, in which I capture the mundanity of everyday life and breathe art into the words! And I write about my lamb, Karen, too! She really does the funniest, cutest things.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Don't judge, Judy.

Hello, and stop judging me. Lately I've noticed some comments on this blog wherein the commenter is totally judging my actions. Now, admittedly, I don't know much about this blogging business—but isn't it my job to write honestly about how I feel, and the things I do, and YOUR JOB to nod approvingly? NOD. NOD. Good, I'm glad we're in agreement. That's why I'm going to say some things right now, and I don't want any lip. This is all I want to hear:NOD, NOD, NOD.1) I'm dumping the whole iPhone idea. I know, I know. I've been moaning and groaning about the iPhone thing for two weeks, and have even threatened to rob a local church in order to get the money. But I changed my mind after reading a news report today that said Apple will be producing cheaper iPhones—WITHOUT THE PHONE ATTACHMENT. Now, PMF, but what the EFF?? An iPhone without the phone? That's like a Chick-o-Stick without the stick! (Or the "chick" for that matter.)2) I'm thinking about wearing Axe Body Spray. So things are going better between me and Trudy (the bank teller, right?), but I think it's mainly because I'm no longer taking anything for granted. Now I know she's no longer dating Damien (that big dumb jerk who was mean to me for like, forever) however, there must have been a reason she was dating him in the first place. That's why I'm going to try wearing some Axe Body Spray, because that's what Damien wears. Hey, the girls on the commercials really seem to like it!3) I no longer like Will Smith. Yes, I've written a lengthy post about how much I enjoyed the raps of Will Smith, and anything else that's done "Big Willy Style." However, I recently heard another of his rap songs, and hoo-boy did it stink. It's called "Just the Two of Us," and it's a really weird song about him and his new baby. First of all, DON'T RAP ABOUT A BABY. It's not right. Secondly, I don't understand what's going on—he talks about taking care of the baby all by himself, and never mentions the mother? Did she die in childbirth? If so, he doesn't mention it! Maybe he just left her there in the stirrups or something. Anyway, it's bogus, and he should write another great song, like "Gettin' Jiggy Wit It."4) People shouldn't let roosters run free. So I was riding my bike (with Karen, that's my lamb) to check out the new rollerskating supply store in town, when out of nowhere suddenly these two roosters started chasing me! And we weren't near a farm or anything! They were just outside somebody's house! WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? Having roosters running loose is like having pit bulls with knives tied to their noses. Those things are VICIOUS! And from what I hear, they like to sneak up behind you, stab you in the back with their sharp beaks, and drain out all your spinal column fluid. Look. Roosters do not belong in an urban environment. And I'm sure the neighbors don't appreciate the crowing at 5 am in the morning. (By the way, do you know why roosters crow? Because they're gargling some poor victim's spinal fluid!)Here's the part where you NOD, NOD, NOD.

12 comments:

NOD, NOD, NOD. Especially about the roosters. I grew up in a rural farm-like environment, with chickens and goats and stuff, and the roosters always had it in for me! I was just this little girl, wandering around in my own back yard, and our rooster would run up and attack me! Eventually I learned how to time it just right so when he came running at me, I would bring my leg back and kick him just as he got close. But it didn't stop him, he'd just come back. I HATE ROOSTERS. Let me know if you want me to teach you my technique. But hopefully you won't run into any more urban roosters.

Dear Sweet Jesus,I consider you my friend, I have for many years. However, I don't feel it is judging you if I offer my feedback to you. Isn't that how friends are with each other?Even if I WERE to judge you, isn't that what your Father has been doing to us mere mortals in the after-life?Well, on to my non-judging you:1) I think it is good that you are dumping the whole iPhone idea. It would be a good idea to explore this a little more until you really KNOW what you are buying.NOD. NOD. NOD.2) I'm not sure that wearing Axe Body Spray is the best thing for your relationship with Trudy. (the bank teller who is your girlfriend). Since she dumped Damien (the big dumb jerk who was mean to you for like, forever). I think your smelling LIKE HIM will remind her of him and she will start to react negatively to you on a subconscious level. Why don't you try Old Spice?, or Obsession for Men instead?3) I really don't care one way or the other if you like Will Smith. However, I think his song is about his sweetheart, not his child.4) I have to whole-heartedly agree with you about roosters. They can be some mean b@#$%^! (PMF)I do hope you will take this in the spirit in which it was intended---NOT JUDGE JUDYMENTAL, but just as an interactive letter from your friend.Peace, J.C.Sammie

Dear Jeebus, I am glad someone is finally speaking out against roosters! For too long have they been waking us up too early and then draining us of our precious spinal fluids. They are like some kind of monsters from a video game! I don't know why your dad let Noah bring them on the ark in the first place. It seems their only purpose is to bring misery to us humans. And get chickens pregnant.Well we need chickens so we can't do away with roosters yet. Maybe you could think of a magic trick to get chickens pregnant without roosters? I mean that's kinda how you were conceived, right? Without a rooster, so to speak? Once you do that, wiping out those hyper hooligans should be easy.

Whoa! Will's version of "Just the Two of Us" is about his sweetheart?? Wow! I thought all this time he was rapping advice to his son, Trey--who says something at the end of the song--about how to get along in the world, that his Dad would always love him, blah-blah-blah. Hmm...

1) FIRST RESPONSE!2) I would've kicked him, but I was afraid he'd stab my toe.3) Ha! I like the phrase "Judge Judymental." Good one!4) Hmph. NOD, NOD, NOD.5) There's an actual disease called "Tom Cruise Syndrome"? Ick.6) NODDITY, NOD, NOD.7) There's got to be an easier way of getting chickens pregnant.8) THANK YOU FOR RECOGNIZING MY SACRIFICE ON THE CROSS. (Take note, you guys!)9) NODDY, NODDY, NOD.10) NOD-A-DOODLE-DEE!11) You're right, that other person is wrong. See, instead of "correcting" they should be "nodding." NOD, NOD, NOD!