Explaining reality to a few members of the "reality-based" community, part II

Our second refugee from reality is Luke, from France. Luke described himself as French, a “regular cheese-eating guy” (somehow he forgot “surrender monkey” to complete the phrase — thank you, Matt Groening and Groundskeeper Willie for THAT particularly brilliant turn of phrase), and went on to put forth his take on US-French relations.

…I am french… regular cheese eating guy from the second oldest democracy in the world, which used to be America’s best friend …

But that seems to be a long time ago, a very long time ago….

You may know what it feels when you see your best friend doing a huge mistake. And you try to explain to him why, in you point of view, honestly, he dead wrong. But you best friend won’t listen. Maybe because you found yourself unable to find the right words. Whatever. The thing is, you realize suddently your oldest friend and you are all of a suddend living on two different planets.

And that’s a sad awakening, I can tell you that. Julie did a particularly fine job of handing Luke his own derriere, so I’ll simply deconstruct the basic, wrongheaded take on the history of US-French relations.

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Before I begin, however, I must pay tribute to one of the finest pieces ever written on any blog anywhere. I call your attention to Bigwig’s Military History Of France, which does the best job I’ve ever seen anywhere of outlining the French’s role in the world. The only thing I’ve ever seen to even come close to this in sheer brilliance is Laurence Simon’s post-9/11 warning to the world, “Only a Crazy Person Picks a Fight With Someone Who’s Nuts.”

There is a certain mentality I’ve noticed that is getting more and more common. It’s based on the drive to succeed. There are certain people who are not content to simply succeed, but can only feel satisfied if others fail. They seem to think that the only way to rise to the top is if they can drive others to the bottom. That the successes of others is a direct threat to their own chances to succeed. That seems to be the prevailing attitude of the French.

But back to the topic of French-American relations…

Yes, during the American Revolution, the French were of invaluable assistance. But as others have so ably pointed out, that wasn’t so much helping us as sticking it to the British. Likewise, during the War of 1812.

During the American Civil War, France favored the Confederacy, but remained officially neutral. They were interested in establishing a puppet state in Mexico, and liked the US being too distracted to intervene.

In World War I, the main French contribution was mud and brothels. After requiring the US and England to save their asses, they were major proponents of imposing crippling reparations on Germany, setting the stage for Big Mistake II 25 years later.

In World War II, the French surrendered so fast, some thought they might have actually violated the laws of physics. They cheerfully set up a puppet government and started collaborating their little hearts out. De Gaulle, the leader in exile, finally condescended to allow the Allies to liberate France from the Nazis. Postwar opinion polls showed not only did the Vichy government never exist, but that approximately 163% of the French population had been active members of the Resistance.

France didn’t forgive the US for liberating them from the Nazis. They resisted joining NATO, and at one point presented the alliance with a “us or them” ultimatum. When the rest of NATO chose to stick with the nation that had a record of actually WINNING wars, France went it on their own. They later allowed themselves to be persuaded to return.

France had been a bit of an also-ran on the whole empire-building. It turns out they were as inept as building an empire as they were at standing up to Germans. The worst hell-holes in Africa right now are former French colonies. But the crown jewel of France’s empire was French Indochina — or, as the rebels who wanted to throw out the French called it, Viet Nam.

When it became obvious that that they were going to lose, the French did the only logical thing they could do — the called in the US to help. And, naturally, we said “sure!” and promptly poured 58,000 American lives down that drain while the French cut and ran, not even taking the time for their customary surrender. Merci beaucoup, mes amis.

France did have one great military victory, however. In July of 1985, Greenpeace (the annoying enviromental activists) sent their ship, the Rainbow Warrior, to the South Pacific to discourage the French from conducting nuclear tests. French agents bombed and sank it, killing a photographer.

And that brings us up to the current war in Iraq. The French government (and certain key individuals close to government officials) made untold millions, perhaps billions of Saddam, both before and after the first Gulf War. France supplied with 13% of its total weapons purchases, second only to Russia/the Soviet Union (57%) and well head of the US, which came in 11th with about 1%.

For once, the French found an honest bone in their bodies. Once bought, they stayed bought. When the US went to the UN to get it to get off its collective ass and put the “resolve” into its resolutions, France did everything they could to prevent it. They attempted to strongarm the newly-free nations of Eastern Europe, telling them that they “missed an excellent opportunity to shut up,” and deployed every bribe in their arsenal to sway their former colonial holdings in Africa. Too bad for them, however, that they didn’t figure on a US president who had the testicular fortitude (a concept foreign to the French government) to see the UN vote for what it was and give it all the respect it was due — to wit, none.

Jed Babbin, who had served as an undersecretary of defense during the late 80’s, put it best back in 2003: “going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. You just leave a lot of useless noisy baggage behind.”

So, Luke, you claim that France “used to be America’s best friend.” With friends like that, who needs enemas?

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57 Comments

Just after the dreadful 9/11 attacks, the U.S. launched a DEFENSIVE action against Al-Qaeda and the Taliban regime which supported Al-Qaeda.

Defensive? Looked more like an offensive reaction to me.

Oops.

Oh and I’ve heard of Medecins sans Frontieres. They’re the group that left Afghanistan in a huff because American soldiers were providing aid to civilians and that was bad because… Well, I guess your presumptions answers it: the darn brutes trying to help people when they’re supposed to be making comments about napalm’s scent in the early hours of the day.

Silly Americans. Next thing you know, they’ll send one of those awful aircraft carriers to help survivors of a natural disaster when they’re supposed to be bombing people from a safe altitude or something. /sarcasm

firstbrokenangelJanuary 7, 2005

Jay,

You’re trying to teach reality to “reality based” people? First you need to face reality yourself before you can pass it on to others.

Basically what I see here under #! and 2 is more like a history lesson. 🙂

Cindy

firstbrokenangelJanuary 7, 2005

Well I guess I’m our of my league here and stay out of the reality based history, so thus apologize for anything I said and I’ll just kinda bypass the stuff I have no friggin idea what you guys are talking about here.

Sorry, Cindy

Amelia_MartinezJanuary 9, 2005

why the fuck are some stupid racist bastards cussing french people? what have they done to you guys? they have not murdered your family, have they? no of course, so keep your useless fucking opinions to yourselves next time. we are all humans and none of us deserve criticism like that. especially TIM IN PA, man you have lost it big time, why are you so racist??? you wouldn’t like the french people cussing americans like you, do you? put yourselves in their shoes and see how they feel, you wouldn’t like it would ya? fuck this world, its fucked up; people eat each other nowadays, people have group sex, more people are turning out to be gay, crime is increasing big time, people are more into begin terrorists, kidnapping and rape is increasing too, the last thing we didn’t need was nature getting into it and causing this tsunami killing thousands of poor people. it can decrease in a way for people like you guys to stop criticising other people like french people. have respect. thanks

by AMELIA MARTINEZ FROM LONDON, ENGLAND

Jay TeaJanuary 9, 2005

Amelia, I wasn’t aware that the French were a distinct race. As for what have they done (and not done) — I thought I spelled it out pretty clearly. And what is this “wouldn’t like the french people cussing americans” stuff? That’s a major national vocation over there. I’m sorry if you don’t like my returning the favor.

Perhaps you ought to reconsider going off your meds, Amelia.

J.

Amelia_MartinezJanuary 9, 2005

Jay Tea, man i lost it big time, you know what? the thing was that i never read the article that you gave, so i know that i didn’t have the right to judge you guys. when i saw what TIM IN PA wrote about french ppl i though that ain’t really fair. as a muslim im not a fan of french ppl ‘coz it is so sad that the french government don’t allow muslim girls to wear scarves at school. i can’t believe i was sticking up for them!! how stupid was i? i ain’t no racist girl but sometimes ppl don’t like a certain thing about different nationalities.

yo Jay Tea, whats this thing about me going off my meds, your the one who is bringing this shit boring french subject up, you must be a boring fool who can’t find other interesting headlines for ppl to give feedback. yo next time take a chill-pill, it’ll be worth it lol. don’t mess with and half-spanish and half-kurdish babe from london.

from AMELIA MARTINEZ from LONDON

Jay TeaJanuary 9, 2005

Amelia, you say you’re a Muslim? Then why are you talking to me, a kuffir man? Calling yourself a “babe” and using foul language? Allah will NOT be pleased, nor will your male owners — er, relatives and guardians. They might even put you through another clitoridectomy — er, “circumcision.”

You said you never read the article I referenced, so therefore you have no right to judge. That’s a crock. Everyone has the right to judge. It’s that nobody has the right to judge with impunity. Feel free to judge me; just don’t expect me to act like a good Muslim woman and bow my head submissively. I WILL answer, and I WILL have the facts at my disposal — unlike yourself.