California shooting teaches us one thing: WE NEED MORE GUNS!!

In the wake of America’s latest mass shooting, a tragedy in California that left 14 dead, it’s clear we all need to step back, reflect soberly and then GET OUT THERE AND BUY SOME MORE GUNS!!

That’s right, folks, I’ve got a gun-shaped Christmas stocking that isn’t gonna fill itself. We need a different gun for each day, and two for Sundays (some of those church parishioners look a little shifty). We have to be strapped, carryin’, packin’ heat, holsterin’ God’s boom-angel.

I want gun teeth in case my tongue gets radicalized, shoes that shoot and a hat with a gun turret up top to take out any low-flying enemy drones.

At times like this, we must follow the advice of sensible people who are in no way influenced by the National Rifle Association’s desire to scare the America out of you and boost holiday gun sales. People like GOP presidential candidate Ted Cruz, who said — under today’s Breitbart News headline: “Now, More Than Ever, Americans Must Be Armed” — that President Barack Obama and Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton are trying to strip us “of our fundamental right to protect our homes, our lives, and our families.”

“You don’t get rid of the bad guys by getting rid of our guns,” Cruz said. “You get rid of the bad guys by using our guns.”

Just like it says in the Bible! Turn the other cheek and then … BLAM! ... blast ‘em with your 9 mm.

Cruz’s colleagues also opted to fight for our right to hold gun parties by voting down two gun-control amendments in the Senate on Thursday, one day after the massacre in San Bernardino.

One amendment would have expanded background checks for guns purchased online and at gun shows — that was patriotically defeated on a 48-to-50 vote. The second amendment (WOO-HOO! The Second Amendment Rules!) would have prevented people on the terror watch list from buying firearms. That lame-o nonsense, which could have had the unintended consequence of maybe possibly preventing a law-abiding American from getting a gun for a brief period of time, fell 45 to 54.

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Mohammad Abuershaid and David Chesley, lawyers who represent Syed Farook's family, said there's no proof linking the shooters to a broader terrorist organization and most of the evidence focuses on Facebook posts made under an alias by Farook's wife, Tashfeen Malik. (Video: Inform, photo: Associated Press)

Mohammad Abuershaid and David Chesley, lawyers who represent Syed Farook's family, said there's no proof linking the shooters to a broader terrorist organization and most of the evidence focuses on Facebook posts made under an alias by Farook's wife, Tashfeen Malik. (Video: Inform, photo: Associated Press)

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Mohammad Abuershaid and David Chesley, lawyers who represent Syed Farook's family, said there's no proof linking the shooters to a broader terrorist organization and most of the evidence focuses on Facebook posts made under an alias by Farook's wife, Tashfeen Malik. (Video: Inform, photo: Associated Press)

Mohammad Abuershaid and David Chesley, lawyers who represent Syed Farook's family, said there's no proof linking the shooters to a broader terrorist organization and most of the evidence focuses on Facebook posts made under an alias by Farook's wife, Tashfeen Malik. (Video: Inform, photo: Associated Press)

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The landlord of the San Bernardino shooting suspects said Friday Syed Farook was "a nice, clean cut young man." The landlord made the comments after opening the townhouse rented by Farook and his wife to the media, Dec. 4, 2015. (AP)

The landlord of the San Bernardino shooting suspects said Friday Syed Farook was "a nice, clean cut young man." The landlord made the comments after opening the townhouse rented by Farook and his wife to the media, Dec. 4, 2015. (AP)

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The FBI announced Friday that Wednesday's mass shooting in San Bernardino, California is being investigated as an act of terrorism. Dec. 4, 2015. (AP)

The FBI announced Friday that Wednesday's mass shooting in San Bernardino, California is being investigated as an act of terrorism. Dec. 4, 2015. (AP)

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The first officer on the scene of a deadly shooting at a holiday party in California described seeing unspeakable carnage and "pure panic" on the faces of the injured. Dec. 3, 2015. (AP)

The first officer on the scene of a deadly shooting at a holiday party in California described seeing unspeakable carnage and "pure panic" on the faces of the injured. Dec. 3, 2015. (AP)

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An 18-year-old who attended the same Southern California mosque as a gunman who killed 14 people, says the gunman was a devout Muslim who showed up to pray every day before he abruptly stopped three weeks ago. Dec. 3, 2015. (AP)

An 18-year-old who attended the same Southern California mosque as a gunman who killed 14 people, says the gunman was a devout Muslim who showed up to pray every day before he abruptly stopped three weeks ago. Dec. 3, 2015. (AP)

Eat that, weenie liberal gun-haters.

Now we’re free to enjoy the holiday season and encourage everyone we know to be terrified and buy as many guns as possible. Because there are bad people out there who might have guns, and you can’t stop a gun-wielding bad person unless you’re a gun-wielding good person.

Also, the FBI on Friday officially declared the San Bernardino massacre "an act of terrorism."

So the bottom line is this: Terrorists are everywhere and we must be armed at all times in order to survive.

The California shooters were Muslim. The Planned Parenthood shooter last week was a white guy. The Oregon community college shooter a while back was a white guy. The Tennessee military recruiting center shooter was a Muslim. The South Carolina church shooter was a white guy.

You just don’t know who to look for, so you’d best assume that everyone and everything is a terrorist. It could be your neighbor, it could be your dog. Heck, this column could be a terrorist OH MY GOD, SOMEBODY SHOOT IT!!!

Because if we keep buying guns and carrying guns and waving guns around and making sure the terrorists — whoever they are, maybe you, you look kind of dodgy — know that we’ve transformed our bodies into steel-bearing murder meat, then I’m sure we’ll all be safer and none of us will accidentally shoot anyone.

Because as Ted Cruz, the NRA and many Republican politicians have made clear, guns are the answer.

Which, come to think of it, kind of sounds like something a terrorist would say.