So, I've realized one of my most biggest fears is being alone. Even just spending a night at home, even when grandma is here (but asleep), along with fong yee, I feel pretty poo ish. I hate being alone, it's so... boring; and for some reason, I make myself wait for them, because I don't like going to sleep when they're not home. When Ron or mom come back, I immediately get happier inside. Am I that dependent?

This makes me think, what am I going to do when I live alone? How am I going to handle it, added onto all the stress I'll have in university? And the fact that I feel alone even when grandma is home makes me feel horrible, because that shows I don't actually consider her as important as Ron or mom. It's true. Once again, I feel bad, because she stays at home every single day so I won't be alone, yet I still feel like it. And I never go downstairs to talk with her either.

Why am I afraid of being alone? Probably because since birth, I had so much attention. I guess the Trac family felt bad for me because my parents were divorced. They gave me all the love in the world, and I loved it as well. Growing up, I now feel neglected by my family and as if I'm constantly judged, ever since that one time on the cruise when I was being slow cause I was lazy and bleh. They all called me slow, and tried to criticize me for the best. But I took it to heart, and eventually the family kept on telling my dad and my sister. The thing that hurt the most was knowing that I was pretty slow. I always say I have low self esteem and confidence, but I realized that I do have quite alot of pride, because the fact that they, who used to love me as a child, now looked down on me and thought I was slow and stupid. And I freaking hate it when people do that. I am not stupid, you don't know how hard I try. That just shows I do have pride.

Well anyways, back to the topic... I guess I rely on mom and my brother too much, the ones who are closest to me and I know will love me no matter what. I need to be more independent, less soft. Less longing for attention and love. You are lucky, Chanel, and so many people love you. Realize that.