We Have Big News

♪♪>>UH, OKAY, GUYS. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING HERE TONIGHT. PAUL AND I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.>>MICHELLE AND I GATHERED YOU ALL HERE BECAUSE WE HAVE A VERY BIG ANNOUNCEMENT.>>YEAH.>>YEAH.>>YOU GUYS ARE GETTING A DIVORCE, AREN’T YOU?>>NO. WHY WOULD WE BE SMILING IF WE’RE GETTING A DIVORCE?>>YEAH?>>WELL, YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT PAUL A LOT, SO, I JUST- I FIGURED YOU THOUGHT THIS WAS GOOD NEWS.>>YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT ME TO MY MOM?>>NO! I DON’T. I MEAN, WHAT- WHAT COULD I POSSIBLE COMPLAIN ABOUT?>>HIS HAIR, HIS JOB->>RHETORICAL QUESTION, JANICE.>>SO, UM, IF YOU GUYS AREN’T GETTING A DIVORCE, WHAT’S THE ANNOUNCEMENT?>>WELL, MICHELLE AND I->>ARE GOING TO JAIL FOR EMBEZZLEMENT? IS IT- OH, NO, YOU MURDERED SOMEONE! YOU WOULDN’T- YOU KILLED- YOU KILLED THE PRESIDENT?>>TROY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?>>SORRY, I- I JUST WANTED TO GUESS BEFORE YOU TOLD US.>>AND YOU GUESSED ASSASSINATION?>>I DON’T KNOW, YOU’RE ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT HOW YOU WANT TO KILL PAUL.>>OKAY, HOW MANY PEOPLE DO YOU TALK TO ABOUT ME?>>NA- >>I KNEW YOU GUYS WERE GETTING A DIVORCE!>>NO ONE IS GETTING A DIVORCE, MOM! OR GOING TO JAIL FOR ANY REASON.>>GUYS, HE’S RIGHT BECAUSE WE’RE GOING TO HIRE THE BEST ATTORNEYS IN THE BUSINESS, RIGHT? YEAH.>>I DON’T KNOW. THEY COULD GET PAUL FOR PERJURY. HE’S BEEN LYING SINCE HE WAS A KID.>>WHAT?>>YOU MEAN WHEN I WAS 4 AND SAID THAT THE DOG DREW ON THE WALL?>>YOU SEE MOM? HE ADMITTED IT! I HAVE BEEN TELLING MY FRIENDS FOR YEARS THAT OUR DOG COULD DRAW. I LOOKED LIKE A FOOL!>>OKAY- CALM DOWN, OKAY? PAUL DOESN’T LIE. RIGHT PAUL?>>LIE SON. LIE.>>GEORGE? THEY ARE ONE SCREW UP AWAY FROM GETTING A DIVORCE.>>COME ON! WE BROUGHT YOU HERE FOR A HAPPY REASON!>>YEAH.>>YOU’RE GETTING MARRIED!>>OH!>>WE GOT MARRIED! FIVE YEARS AGO. YOU WERE ALL THERE- YOU OFFICIATED.>>YEAH. I’M NOT SURE I WAS LICENSED AT THE TIME.>>WHAT? ARE YOU SAYING WE MIGHT NOT BE MARRIED?>>OH GOOD, THEN YOU WON’T NEED A DIVORCE.>>NO- NO, NO, WAIT, NO I CAN MARRY YOU ANYWHERE BECAUSE I’M A BOAT CAPTAIN.>>YOU OWN A CANOE.>>YEAH, A CANOE BOAT.>>I- >>OKAY, GUYS, PLEASE JUST STAY WITH US. ALL RIGHT? THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A SPECIAL MOMENT FOR US, SO PLEASE STOP SHOUTING ALL OF YOUR->>YOU’RE MOVING TO FRANCE?>>IS SOMEONE DYING?>>OH, GAMBLING ADDICTION!>>YOU’RE GETTING MARRIED FOR REALS THIS TIME!>>OH MY GOODNESS. THIS IS RIDICULOUS.>>WELL, SINCE WE’RE ALL JUST SITTING AROUND, WE ACTUALLY HAVE SOME NEWS. WE’RE EXPECTING!>>THAT’S SO GREAT!>>WE SHOULD PROBABLY GET MARRIED AGAIN JUST TO BE SURE.>>YEAH.>>I KNEW IT! I WAS LIKE- I WAS LIKE, “OH, SHE’S SO PREGNANT!”>>HI, GUYS. THANKS FOR WATCHING.>>YOU’RE JOINING A WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM.>>NO.>>BE SURE TO SUBSCRIBE TO THE CHANNEL.>>YOU GUYS ARE MUTANTS?>>NO.>>COMMENT AND SHARE.>>I’M A MUTANT.>>NO. TROY- >>[GASPS] I KNEW IT.>>NO, STOP.>>PUNCH ME IN THE STOMACH!>>NO.>>IT’S OKAY. I’M A MUTANT.>>YOUR SIDE OF THE FAMILY.