by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs
One World Leader Attitude - WWF! TV-PG-DLV!
Closed Captioned Symbol (Eh? What's that?) - Opening Credits
We ARe LiVE from the Target Center in Minneapolis, MN - and MiCHAEL KiNG
CoLE stands backstage. That's right, kids - no matches for you!
KeVIN NaILZ KeLLY stands in front of a door!
JeDOUBLEF JaDOUBLEREDOUBLET and De-BRA have an argument - looks like they
WoN'T be talking to Kelly. Let's go to the
Special Video Look at Jeff Jarrett & Debra - to some music! ("Here and
There" - Tattooed Bruise - MCA - Double Drive) And heres' another song
("Publicity" - Beaneath the Surface - MCA - ???????) to highliht D'Lo
Brown's I smell an MCA payoff here... and here's "Microwaved" by
Pitchshifter (coincidentally, on the album www.pitchshifter.com on MCA) to
continue on with this story...
Tonight at SummerSlam it's D'Lo Brown vs. Jeff Jarrett with BOTH the
Intercontinental title and European championship on the line!
Hey, look! It's Triple H and Chyna - and they're WALKING!
The Rock allegedly gets Chefy with it
If you're like me, you realise right now (seven minutes in) that this show
died LAST week as, even live, a clip show is still nothing more than a
clip show. I could probably whip up LAST week's Heat report in this
hour...ah, hell, it'd take me an hour just to FIND that tape...
WWF Action figures are shown separately because together it's like
ANTIMATTER AND MATTER COLLIDING
There's Shane McMahon! And HE is WALKING!
I coulda SWORN I saw Venis and Gunn walking close to each other backstage.
Cole shills GvsE, coming up next if you're not buying the PPV.
Tonight at Summerslam, X-Pac and Kane put the tag team straps on the line
against Undertaker and Big Show
Here's a Special Video Look - music is apparently "Breaker, Breaker -
Beneath the Surface - MCA - GZA/genius", then "When I Rise - Smoke This
- Koch - Lynch Mob"
Coming out of a limousine is Jesse Ventura, greeted by Linda McMahon with
a handshake. Yesterday on LiveWire, we learned that it was LiNDA who set
up the "triple threat compromise." Ohh - kay.
Milky Way, WWF: The Music Vol. 3 (available at Hastings!) and
Western Union Money Transfer proudly sponsor HeAT!
Here's a Special Video Look at Jesse Ventura - with hair and without
The Big Triple Threat Championship match pits Steve Austin, Mankind and
Triple H
Last Night at the Metrodome, Mankind took batting practice and fielded
grounders to show that his knee was okay. He actually hit one over the
fence! Later, Harmon Killibrew almost recognised him. AND he threw out
the first pitch!
Kevin Kelly interviews MaNKIND, wearing a Twins jersey. He says that he
and Jesse shared an ambulance once, so they have a bond that can never be
broken, even as he went on to become a World Champion while he "dabbled in
politics."
Earlier Today, Test drove Stephanie McMahon to the arena.
The United States Coast Guard presents the Rescue of the Week! It's Shane
rescuing a kendo stick and...er...well, that's not a ReSCUE, is
it...hmmm...
Yesterday on LiveWire (wow, we need to WATCH this show, don't we?), Shane
crashed the set and announced that his match with Test will in fact be a
Greenwich Street Fight. Woo boy!!
CHRiS SuNDAY JeRICHO rescues Kevin Kelly from further mediocrity and
promises that he'll do whatever it takes to keep tonight's show from
becoming SummerSHAM.
Let's Take a Special Video Look at Test and Stephanie, in
"high-iris-o-vision." Here's "A Better Lie" by Pitchshifter (available
from MCA, you know) to highlight clips of the Mean Street Posse having fun
with Test in the ring. I'm ashamed to OWN this album, now. I feel so
dirty.
Kevin Kelly interviews TeST - who has quite the Canadian accent
going. It doesn't matter how bad his ribs are, he'll - whoops, here's
SKiPPY with another sneak attack on the ribs mit der kendo stik. Anybody
out there YET think Shane has a chance?
Oh boy! GvsE is NeXT!
Let us take you back to Moments Ago, where Shane attacked the "injured
ribs" of Test, putting the outcome of their Greenwich Street Fight in
(snicker, snicker) doubt.
Man on the Street interviews. "How will Jesse 'the Body' do as Special
Referee tonight?" The response is ... mixed. Interestingly, one guy is
wearing a KISS cap. I keep thinking that's supposed to remind me of
something...
Another limousine arrives at the Target Centre...it's THe RoCK! Then he
steals some guy's camera in an allegedly funny bit.
Michael King Cole interviews KiNG ASS, who has a big surprise in store for
the Rock tonight in their "Kiss my Ass" match. "The rash? You want to
know about that? Why don't you ask your wife."
Let's take a Special Video Look at the Rock and Mr. Ass. ("Rock the Part"
- Fundamental Elements - Atlantic - P.O.D.) "Intro" by Beaneath the
Surface - ah who cares what music they're playing. Why are you reading
this report?
Backstage, the Rock finds JoHN RaNDALL, his new #1 fan, and tells him that
instead of all those Austin 3:16 shirts he keeps wearing, he should be
wearing a brand-new Smackdown Hotel Tee. "Monkey piss" gets censored by
the kind folks at the USA Network.
And now, Foot Action brings you the WWF Slam of the Week! From
last Monday's RAW, it's the infamous double pin between Triple H and
Mankind, making both men the #1 Contender to the WWF Championship.
Kevin Kelly stand outside an exciting door.
Let's Take a Special Video Look at the road to the Main Event at
SummerSlam, starting with Triple H's pin on the Rock at Fully Loaded, and
a changing, oh, about a couple MiLLION times in the intervening weeks.
Here's "Belief System" from 1000 Yard Stare (who?).
Kevin Kelly asks SToNE CoLD STeVE AuSTIN if the fact that he's wearing two
knee braces means his injuries are worse than he's been letting on. Austin
says the same shit he always says and that's all he's got to say about
that.
The following preview is rated TV-14 - lies! It's only a SummerSlam
promo! And it's only MiNUTES AWaY!
To get more information on the music you've been hearing tonight, check
out wwf.com. This clip is undoubtedly sponsored by MCA, Atlatntic, and
Koch. And I've apparently been swapping the CD titles and artist names
all night. Oh well. I got the Pitchshifter right, anyway. I don't know
who GZA/genius is, nor Double Drive. I guess I'm gettin' old.
Kevin Kelly and Michael King Cole stand together in front of the Lion's
Den. Ken Shamrock and Steve Blackman will collide with weapons later.
He's cut off by
TRiPLE H & CHYNa interrupt the proceedings with their God-awful theme.
JiM RoSS and JeRRY LaWLER provide a little commentary as they walk to the
ring. There's about 90 seconds left so I doubt we'll hear too much from
them before We GoTTA Go!! "Can you feel it in the air? I can, it's under
my skin. It's up my spine, I can feel it, I can taste it. This - is - my
- night! I have worked my whole life for right now, and nobody will stop
me. Austin, Mankind, you don't walk here to play the game - you go
against--"
Oops, ran out of time.
Hmmm, isn't it INTERESTING that they give the last word slot to Triple H
INSTeAD of Austin?
Quick! Turn to the PPV!
Christopher Robin Zimmermanwww.CRZ.net