HOLLYWOOD, CA–Paramount Pictures is rolling out the red carpet to shelve its latest comedy, The Munsters. "Join us in welcoming this poorly realized film to the Paramount studio archives," read a press release for the film, not coming to theaters any time soon. "Based upon the mid-'60s TV show, this $45 million bad film was intended to capitalize upon the nostalgic appeal of the series, but became bogged down in rewrites and production delays, only to end up as an unwatchable career-ender." The press release also described the casting of actor Larry Hagman in the role of Grandpa Munster as "a stupid, stupid move."

BAKERSFIELD, CA–The start of a Monopoly contest was stalled for more than 30 minutes Monday, when player Andrew Shermer insisted on being the wheelbarrow. "I must be the wheelbarrow in any game which I am to play," Shermer, 10, told reporters in a press conference at his home in Bakersfield. "Jamie [Dugan] and Chris [Cambria] are being ding-dongs about this." While Dugan, 8, cited Shermer's use of the wheelbarrow in last week's game as the basis for his claim over the coveted game piece, Cambria claimed "rightful dominion" over the piece based upon the fact that playing was his idea. The dispute was eventually resolved by Shermer's mother, Linda Shermer, who seized the wheelbarrow piece and forced the disgruntled players to choose among the thimble, dog, racecar, top hat and shoe. The iron could not be found.

MOSCOW, BATSHITZANIA–With political turmoil and economic chaos threatening to tear the nation apart, Russia's parliament voted unanimously Monday to rename the crumbling former superpower "Batshitzania." "We felt a new name was in order to suit our new identity," said acting Batshitzanian prime minister Viktor Chernomyrdin, standing atop a burning Kremlin. "Citizens are frantically trying to get rid of their worthless rubles, our nuclear weapons are sitting unguarded in abandoned silos, and the mentally unstable Boris Yeltsin, who is scheduled to undergo octuple-bypass surgery next week, refuses to step down. Basically, everything's going bat-shit zany over here." Other names considered for the collapsing nation include Kabloomia, Dystopskia and Hell.

WASHINGTON, DC–Vowing to "restore morality, integrity and accountability to the office of the presidency," Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr ordered the exhumation of President Lyndon Johnson's corpse Tuesday in connection with possible sexual misconduct during his tenure in the White House. "Since the late President Johnson has not been forthcoming with the truth about his relationship with Miss Glass, I am left with no choice but to subpoena him posthumously," said Starr, who has accused Johnson of conducting a longtime affair with Alice Glass, the girlfriend of Texas newspaper publisher Charles Marsh. Johnson may be called to testify as early as next Monday, when exhumed president Warren Harding is expected to complete his deposition regarding an alleged 15-year extramarital affair with Carrie Phillips and subsequent attempts to bribe the Phillips family to keep the relationship a secret. Among other presidents whose corpses Starr has ordered dug up for questioning regarding sexual misconduct: John Kennedy, Franklin Roosevelt, Dwight Eisenhower, Grover Cleveland, Martin Van Buren, Andrew Jackson and Thomas Jefferson.

While recently wandering the rotting underbelly of my favorite local urban wasteland at 3 a.m., I was accosted by a roughneck gang of thugs who demanded my wallet. With a grandfatherly sense of duty, I handed it over to them; then they clonked me over the noggin and ran off.

Item! Hold onto your hats, everyone, because this is the Big One. From one of my better sources, who must obviously remain nameless, I've learned that there is going to be another Star Wars movie! Plot details about Star Wars 4 are extremely sketchy, but from what I understand, Luke and Laura have to find a magic potion that was hidden by Boba Fett, Darth Vader's son-in-law,in order to save their home planet from space drug dealers. It's good to know that Steven Spielberg still has the magic touch. Stay tuned for more info. And may The Force be with you and your loved ones!

It was my birth-day recently, and the customary deluge of gifts flooded the Estate. I was wheeled into my private amusement annex so that I could watch the unwrapping of my presents. As usual, I was given needless rubbish and picayune baubles that serve me no purpose. I received what must have been my 659th mechanical nightingale from whomever is the Emperor of Siam now-a-days, when what I truly desired was a new shawl and a visit from the Grim Reaper. I directed Standish to cast the nightingale into the furnace and bury the rest of the unopened loot in the court-yard.

Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Fellow Dormmates Warned About Christian In 462

GAINESVILLE, FL–In an address before three fellow residents of Tenney Hall's fourth-floor west wing Tuesday, University of Florida sophomore Jeff Arnell, 18, issued a warning about the Christian in 462.

Christian in 462

"If you see the guy who lives in the single down at the end of the hall, get away," Arnell told Troy Rasbach, Pete Marquez and Jonathan Wilkins, who had assembled in Arnell's room to watch SportsCenter. "He'll totally corner you and start telling you about Jesus."

According to Arnell, the Christian, Ocala, FL, elementary-education major Matthew Leske, not only attends church on a regular basis despite a lack of parental supervision at school, but also voluntarily goes to campus prayer meetings and other Christian youth-group functions.

Arnell said he first suspected his dormmate's faith in the Lord last Friday.

"I was punching in my door combo when he came up to me and asked me for help with his e-mail," Arnell said. "So I go to his room, and I'm setting up his UF campus account, and I start to notice all this weird stuff on his walls, like this cross on his bulletin board and this poster that said, 'I am the light and the world' or something. He even had one of those metal fish symbols like you see on cars. Then, when it came time to choose his password, he types in 'Corinthians,' and I was like, 'Oh, shit, get me out of here.'"

Several hours after the encounter, Arnell was once again approached by Leske, this time in the dorm's study lounge. "He came up to me and thanked me for helping him with the e-mail and everything. I was like, 'Hey no prob, man,' but he kept acting all super-nice to me," Arnell said. "I was definitely getting nervous."

After talking about his class schedule for approximately 90 seconds, Leske invited Arnell to attend a Bible reading at his church, the New Life Assembly, on Friday. When Arnell declined, saying he had other plans, Leske invited him to drop by the church's New Student Welcome Picnic on Sunday.

"I said I'd try to make it, but I told him I didn't know for sure if I could because I had a paper due the next day," said Arnell, who was raised Christian himself but is not "all weird about it." "If that guy knocks on my door Sunday morning, I'll be seriously freaked."

After becoming trapped in an excruciatingly long conversation about the importance of letting Christ into their hearts and minds, Rasbach and Marquez concluded that "something must be done." Not only will Leske's presence expose Tenney Hall residents to proselytizing, they said, but it will also make them more vulnerable to punishment for breaking dorm rules, including those pertaining to observation of quiet hours, drug and alcohol use, and visitations from females after midnight.

"That guy in 462 better not rat us out to the R.A.," Rasbach said. "We're gonna have to really watch it now."

The four dormmates who assembled in Arnell's room have developed a Christian-avoidance strategy, one which includes "scoping out" the fourth-floor west wing for the possible presence of Leske before discussing the purchase of alcoholic beverages; avoiding Leske in the dorm's dining hall and study area; and agreeing to "rescue" each other from conversations with the Christian in the event of accidental contact.