I wanna go away

Well, I don’t know where to start.
I've never tried to kill myself, I've never cut myself or anything like that; I am so gutless that I've only imagined doing it and felt satisfied with the sense of auto commiseration that this lead me to.
I just wish I could disappear, just leave all behind and escape like I always do. I’m sick of not-being, sick of waking up everyday and live another worthless day in which I do nothing for others, for the simple reason that I am alone and got no one to live for.
The rare times I’ve talked to my mother about my feelings, I’ve always hidden parts of me. Now I really want to find someone to talk to openly, I really wanna go to a psychologist or such, because I think I will do something horrible if I continue on keeping everything inside.

(By the way… I am known in some forums as “Keeper”. I always lie when they ask me why this nickname.)

Something horrible to the ones I live with, more than to myself.
I really don’t mind dying, I am so numb and emotionless that I imagine it can only be better. The only feeling I have left is pain. Sometimes at night I wake up crying, and I try to do it silently and to calm down, but I rarely succeed. I don’t think it’s possible that no one ever heard me, since my parents’ room is right across the wall…

I hate my life, I envy the dead and the ones who are not tied by decision they didn’t make, who are not stuck with a family they hate and in a college they don’t belong to. I hate everyone because they look so happy – and pretty, and self confident. Even though I know that all that glitters is not gold, I still wonder why I have to be the one to feel the pain that other can just get over, to have my life influenced by my being an alien among all normal lively people.

My family loves me but wants me to change what I am. I am too gloomy, they never see me smile, they are worried by the music they hear me listen to… I think that if they were worried they would have done something to help me out through the years instead of making me feel everyday more inadequate. Besides, things could only get worse if I told them I’m bisexual, that’s why I’m never going to…

“I’m only happy when it rains”… I love that song, lol… Music has helped me a bit, I have to admit. It hasn’t changed my approach to life, but has given me some moments when I thought that there’s actually someone else on earth that feels the way I do. You know… all those bands like Evanescence, Lacuna Coil, Within Temptation…. Kind of a cliché for we, depressed guys living at the edge of ourselves.

Anyway, it doesn’t work all the times; music is not ice cream. I do not see any worth in anything of my life, which is a “life” only biologically.
I loathe my existence because it is only supposed to be the antechamber of a real life, which I will be living “in the future”, “after graduating”. After college, when I’ll have a good job, I can have the freedom and the friends I need to feel happy and finally laugh at this post I’m writing.. yeah, everything is gonna be alright, you have all this thoughts but everybody does at your age! – I am told. No, I cant. I don’t wanna live for future expectations which will never become reality. And even if they will, I don’t want to pass through all this for so many years. I’m not strong enough, I give in.

Maybe I should really stop thinking and just do it, putting behind all the regret for making my family suffer. I hate this thought because I know that if I did it they would hate me for real, more than I think they already do. They’ll think that all I could do was to run away, and by God they’d be right. But I’m really changing my mind about that, when I’ll think that I don’t care about what they think of me completely, and I find the little courage I need in order to do it, it will be over, yes.

Sorry for the English, guys, I hope I’ve written something comprehensible.. but I’ve been around SF for some days now and I wanted to show why.
I know it doesn’t make much sense anyway… and I know that people around here have much bigger problems than mine… but it is my first real attempt to “let it all out”…

Sometimes its just hard to know what to say... I read more threads than I reply to... I try replying but then I just give up because nothing seems right to say. I'm glad that you managed to let it out... and I hope that it was helpful and stuff. Take care. :hug: