The wife screams at him . . ."I've not done my hair, not done my make-up, not done any housework, not done the dishes & can't be bothered with cooking!

What did you invite him around for?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."

*********************************************************************

*An Emergency Call Centre worker in London has been dismissed from her job, much to the dismay of colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her treatment.*

*It seems a male caller dialled 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah." * *Apparently "remain calm and stay on the line" was not considered to be an appropriate or correct response!...*

A man walks into a bar and orders 20 pints of Guinness. He lines them up on the bar and announces that he’ll give £100 to the man who can drink all of them. Patrick sticks up his hand and says he’d like a go if the man can wait half an hour. Patrick then leaves the pub, comes back 30 minutes later and downs the 20 pints one after another. The man is impressed and hands over the money, ‘But tell me,’ he asks. ‘Where did you go to for that half an hour?’ ‘Ah, well,’ says Patrick. ‘Before I took your bet I popped to the pub next door to see if I could do it.’

There once was a sheriff who, no matter what the situation, always said, "It could have been worse" after viewing the scene of the crime. It drove his two deputies absolutely crazy.

One day, the two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They both had been shot to death. When the deputies went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.

"No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."

"You're right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder and suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here, he's going to say 'It could have been worse' as he always does!"

"No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn't be worse. You're on." said the first deputy.

About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side. "No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."

After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse."

The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse!!"

"Yes it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in that there bed!"

Irish Garda says, 'The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between 'slow down' and 'stop', I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Irish Garda says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the c##p out of the lawyer with it and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?

The pompous club pro was challenged to a round of golf by one of the less experienced members for a prize of £100. The pro, smiling to himself, immediately took up the challenge, “but,” said his partner, “as long as you agree that I can have two ‘geronimos’.” Not knowing what these were, but confident in his own ability, the club pro agrees. At the end of the round, the other members are astonished to see the pro handing over £100. “We can’t believe it” they said. “What happened?” “Well, I was just swinging my club down for the first hole, when my partner grabs me by the bollocks and shouts ‘geronimo’.” Imagine trying to play the next 17 holes, waiting for the second one.”

The poor man had a dreadful medical problem, so he went along to the chemist to see if they could help him. Unfortunately, the shop was owned by two spinsters, but it was too late to walk out, so blushing profusely, he explained that he had a permanent erection and what could they give him for it. “Just a moment, Sir” and the two women went into the back room to confer. A couple of minutes later, they returned smiling happily. “Okay, we’ve talked it over and we can offer you a half partnership in the shop and £1,000 cash.”

As the young girl leaves school for home, a car draws up and a man leans across, saying, “Hello, let me give you a lift home.” “No thanks,” she says firmly and heads on up the road. The car follows and again the man speaks to her. “Come on, get in, I’ve bought you a comic.” “No, I don’t want to,” she cries and starts to run. The car catches her up again and the man says, “Look, it’s starting to rain, you’re going to get so wet if you don’t get in.” “How many times do I have to say no?” she screams. “It was your choice to buy the Lada but it doesn’t mean I have to ride in it, Dad.”

“I hope you don’t mind me asking,” said the young American girl to the Scotsman, “but I’ve often wondered what you wear under your kilt.” The Scotsman replied that if she was really curious to know, then she could put her hand up his kilt and find out for herself. So, a little apprehensively, she did as he suggested and put her hand under his kilt. “Aaagh, it’s gruesome,” she screamed, quickly removing her hand. “Aye, it is that, lass,” replied the Scotsman, “and if you put your hand up again, you’ll find it’s gruesome more.”

went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "you're definitely going to $hit yourself, road-kill chili". Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day your butt cheeks might burn off!

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about & dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, sh**, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help. I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. I watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.. ......BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal ass-plosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch! Did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. ba**ards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to get out of jury duty, here is a jury to be proud of .. . .

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.

In the defenses closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that the accused would probably be convicted, gave a sly smile to his client then resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a big surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.

"Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.

A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement but you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, thus I have no doubt that you must return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury retired to deliberate.

A short while later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But why?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

Statement of the Century Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet.

Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up,she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament. They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.. Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts.

Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).

Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them...... I just never saw one mounted and framed."

An old man and woman hate each other, but remain married for years. During their shouting fights, the old man constantly warns his wife, "If I die first, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

One day, the man abruptly dies. After the burial, the wife goes straight to the local bar and begins to party. Her friends ask if she isn't worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave.

The wife smiles, "Let the old bugger dig. I had him buried upside down!"

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