General Mills Slowly Weaning Kids Off White Powdery Drug

How do you help kids kick their addiction to the White Powder of Tinkerbell’s Breath?

Very slowly, it seems.

General Mills announced it was lowering the amount of sugar in kid’s cereal to no more than 10 grams per serving, a drastic, severe, almost mind-blowing decline from 11 grams just one year ago. This brings General Mills one step closer to its goal of reducing sugar content to single-digit levels in cereals that are advertised to children under 12, according to Reuters.

But why the incremental decline?

“Consumers have a very keen idea of what these cereals ought to taste like and if you change the taste dramatically or suddenly, they’ll walk away from the brand,” Jeff Harmening, president of General Mills’ Big G cereal division, told Reuters.

Maybe. Or maybe a sudden drop would cause a nationwide outbreak of hypoglycemic comas that would single-handedly cripple our entire healthcare infrastructure.

Either way, in an interview with Reuters, Harmening “declined to say where in the single-digit range the cereals would eventually end up, though he said he would feel victorious once they all reach 9 grams or lower.”

Which, when you think about it, makes sense, given that 9 is the first single-digit number that comes before 10.

But not every cereal will get de-sugared. General Mills said that some cereals, like Count Chocula, would stay above 10 grams of sugar, although they would no longer be advertised to kids.

Which means it’s probably only a matter of weeks before we start seeing “adult” commercials for Count Chocula. And they might go a little something like…

FADE IN on retired man playing tennis.

He rips a backhand down the line.

Stopping, he turns to camera.

OLD MAN: Mornings can be tough. Especially when you get to be my age. That’s why when it comes to staying regular, there’s one partner I can always rely on.

PAN right, revealing his tennis partner, COUNT CHOCULA.

COUNT CHOCULA: “I vant to make you regular!”

OLD MAN: [laughing] And that’s something we can both count on. Thanks, Count!