Antitalksident A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

Sexcedrin More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.

Ragamat When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

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The Talking Dog

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says,
"Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years
running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was
awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed.He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says "Ten dollars."
The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner,
"This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?" The owner replies, "Because he's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff he told you."

AT A FLEA MARKET, we overheard a little girl repeatedly ask her father to buy a toy that had caught her eye. "Sorry, honey, but we have to wait until it's on special," he told her.
"Why?"
"Because you are special," came a clever parent's reply.
-- Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Mike Miller

Kids in church and other precious quotes

3-year-old, Reese: "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name." " Amen"

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

AFTER RETIREMENT, our friends Jim and Evelyn began traveling around the United States in a motor home, towing their compact sedan behind. While driving through a shopping mall parking lot in New York, they were pleased when a motorist stopped his vehicle and signaled them through. Seconds later, they were jolted to a stop by a loud crash behind them. To their amazement, the polite motorist had demolished their car. His explanation: "I didn't mind letting you nice folks by, but I didn't want that compact car to sneak through too."
-- Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Pat Hall

WHEN SALUTING an officer at Fort Lewis, near Tacoma, Wash., ROTC cadets were to greet him or her with half of the battalion motto. The officer would then return the salute and respond with the other half. One day, a cadet approached me, saluted and then became speechless. I told him if he couldn't remember the motto to look at the sign in front of the battalion headquarters. He turned around and came to rigid attention. "Keep off the grass, sir," he said.
-- Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by Maj. Scott D. Bartl

OUR ELDEST DAUGHTER, Ann, invited her college roommate to join our large family for Thanksgiving dinner. As families sometimes do, we got into a lively argument over a trivial subject until we remembered we had a guest in our midst. There was an immediate, embarrassed silence. "Please don't worry about me," she said. "I was brought up in a family too."
-- Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Garrison H. McClure

THE ATTORNEY for whom I work as a legal secretary was handling the disposition of a will. Because of the size of the estate involved, we spent several days on paper work with the widow. Afterward, my boss wearily remarked that settlement of the estate had entailed an unusual amount of effort.
"Yes, it did," said the widow, sighing. "You know, sometimes I just wish that John hadn't died."
-- Contributed to All In a Day's Work" by Elizabeth Sevier

AFTER an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me -- all under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief. "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and all this luggage belong to you?"
"Yes, sir," my mother said with a sigh. "They're all mine."
The customs agent began his interrogation: "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?"
"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now."
The official allowed us to pass without opening a single suitcase.
-- Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by Mary E. Levy

UNEXPECTED COLD SNAPS had destroyed the buds on my father's young peach tree for two years in a row. This spring Dad was ready. He replanted the sapling in a large box, mounted it on wheels, and put the tree in the garage whenever the temperature dropped.
One warm April day Dad was wheeling the tree out into the yard, and stopped to give our dog a drink from the garden hose. A neighbor watched the scene with amusement. "Frank," he finally commented, "you're the only man I know who walks his tree and waters his dog!"
-- Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Judee Hansen

-- Anonymous, December 05, 2002

Answers

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

EVANGELIST: When you rearrange the letters: EVIL'S AGENT

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I ' M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

And for the grand finale: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:

When you rearrange the letters (With no letters left over and using
each letter only once): TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

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One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he
tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy
little nose.

"Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over
you, but I'm blind and can't see."

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was
my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't
see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've
never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft,
and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and
a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!"

The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind
of animal are you?"

And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to
examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what
kind of an animal am I?"

The bunny replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you
haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer."

-------------------

A blonde took her car in to a garage because it was running poorly.
After it was fixed, she asked the mechanic what had been the problem.