I, For One, Welcome Our Reptilian Overlords

It’s official. This election year is like a bad science fiction television show. I keep waiting for the part where the candidates remove their realistic flesh masks and reveal themselves as Lizard People. For the record, if (when) this fuckin’ occurs, I for one, welcome our reptilian overlords.

Think that’s a crazy concept? More or less crazy than conspiracy theorists pandering to the supporters of a major presidential candidate by stating there is a federal protocol in place to simulate an alien invasion? I ask, because we all know someone’s reclusive uncle or grandmother who never quite got over the unquestioned trust of Edward R. Murrow is totally going to post the following on Facebook as proof that Hillary Clinton is the harbinger of the apocalypse:

First, I’m gonna go ahead and link you to the supporting documentation for this video. Go ahead, give it a read. It’s only seven pages, which, to be fair, is about six more pages than they needed to create to look official. We’re all aware the target audience here isn’t going to read past the first page with official sounding names like “Benenson Strategy Group” and “Clinton Foundation” before being satisfied. Shit, the target audience for this is still trying to earn their first BookIt! pizza.

Quick Fact: Pizza Hut started a BookIt! Alumni program for adults. They were force to end it once Chris Christie reached a Fifth Grade reading level.

But I digress. We’re talking about the low-rent War of the Worlds Hillary is supposedly planning. Let’s take a moment and recognize how sad it is that there are supporters of a proposed future leader of our country that will gobble this shit up based on a video, a seven page document, and a couple of logos. Holy shit.

First things first, let’s acknowledge that this document is supposed to be an internal document leaked from inside the Clinton camp. As such, it makes perfect sense that it frequently discusses Donald Trump’s key weaknesses such as the fact that, apparently, men love his “locker room talk” while women are surprisingly understanding of his desire to grab them by the pussy.

For future reference, I want to be clear that while I’m a white male, I’m certainly not a “confident man.” If you need reassurance, I can provide you with a list of my exes who will happily verify this.

Note: The moment 27% of any group states that Donald has a winning personality, you’ve identified 27% of the world’s idiots.

The thing is, like the video, up to this point in the document it looks plausible. A lot of facts and figures, with the focus being on percentages and numbers. Hell, they even avoid perfectly round numbers, because that makes some part of a person’s mind say “How is everything happening in increments of 5?” You really have to read it, and know something about how polls and polling works, to recognize there is literally no way a Democrat-funded survey asked these sorts of questions, because, surprise, the poll questions themselves are designed to influence voters when the poll is commissioned by a campaign. Why would Hillary’s campaign approve a poll that asks voters “what ailment does she have” or “Why is Donald Trump so fucking awesome, man?”

For the occasional purveyor of memes and those that still refer to the Internet as “AOL,” it looks deceptively legitimate, especially with the use of those logos. I mean, a major company and a foundation wouldn’t just let anyone use their logos, right?

This message brought to you by someone who isn’t affiliated with Ford in any way, although I did sell some of their cars for a while, and my first car was a Ranger.

No, the real fun of this document comes in the last page, where it begins to explore the options by which the obvious tide against Hillary Clinton can be turned. The “study” has concluded that the only way Hillary can win the election is if a disaster of apocalyptic proportions takes place which makes the Donald’s Army unwilling to trek to the polls on November 8th. After discussing, and discarding, options such as a race riot, exploding something in mines, nuclear attacks, epidemics, and a faked invasion from Canada as being unlikely to dissaude Trump supporters from the polls, there remains only one logical conclusion that could stop the election of Trump:

Apparently, the only thing that can stop Trump supporters is an alien invasion. According to this “totally real document that we’re releasing through the internet,” Hillary Clinton’s only hope at becoming President is to use highly advanced technology to project images of aliens invading on clouds. Then, President Obama will concede to the wishes of the aliens by stepping down, handing power over to Hillary in order to stop an extraterrestrial invasion. Thus will humanity be saved, and Hillary made President. As for why the Trump supporters would naturally be more likely to avoid the polls in the case of an alien invasion, but would still soldier on to the polls in the face of literally any other disaster, I can only assume it’s because all Trump supporters would immediately be volunteering to ly their crop dusters against the invaders.

Pictured: Real American Heroes.

Look, we all know this is insane, and for all of the shit we’re giving out here there are plenty of educated Trump supporters that are going to read this and immediately say “This is fucking insane.” The problem is, those people aren’t the reason Trump’s appeared in three debates and is about 16 days from appearing on the ballot as a viable and serious candidate for President of the United States of America. The same people who are going to vote for Trump who are reading that paper and are saying that it’s obvious conspiracy theorist bullshit are the same people who cast their primary votes for Bush, or Rubio, or, god help us all, Ted Cruz.

I can’t be the only one thinking that he looks a bit like Randy Quaid.

The problem is the remainder of the Trump voters, the people who have enthusiastically overlooked every fault this man has in their zeal to put him in the White House. These people will believe anything, and they will believe it’s possible Hillary Clinton is planning a fake alien invasion, and, for fuck’s sake, they will share this as a fact. And those people need to be stopped, and stopped fast. Think I’m overreacting? Cool, cool. Hey, let’s take a look at Reddit real quick, shall we?