23. The new me

Gerard’s POV

I paced around the room, my feet occasionally skidding as my walk got quicker and quicker. I can’t take this anymore. My doctor had been round to see me and I was now ready to be discharged. I had packed and dressed all ready to surprise Mum and Mikey. If they would show up! Sure, I would have to be back weekly for a checkup and so the nurses could change my bandages but at least I could be at home. I could be with Mikey and Mum. Maybe if I felt up to it, I could go to school and see my friends. I hoped they would welcome me back with open arms. Maybe they would and maybe they wouldn’t but either way I would still have Mikey. And Frank.

I felt a happy sensation when I thought of Frank coming to see me everyday, waiting for me to awaken. I thought of him when he had come to see me, the flowers in his hands and a sad smile on his face. I had wanted to kiss him so badly, had wanted to gently caress his cheek and hold him in my arms, smell his scent. I wanted him to tell me never to do that again, scold me for even thinking of leaving him. I wanted his lips on mine to remind me why I should stay in this world, in this world with him. I had been texting Frank wildly. Texting Mikey too.

I remembered Mikey’s face as he stood at the door, as Frank spoke such beauty to me. They had broken up, Frank had said and yet Mikey’s face had told me something else. I needed to talk to Mikey or to Frank. I hoped whatever it was could be fixed and that I could have both Mikey and Frank in my life. I loved them both so and I wanted them to know that. But how could I tell them if they both refused to answer their phones! I imagined them both together, maybe kissing, all now forgiven. Maybe Frank had only been trying to make me feel better, only been trying to apologize for leaving me and I had taken it the wrong way. Maybe he and Mikey deserved to be together. Maybe I was just being fucking selfish again. If they wanted to be together then let them. They could both be happy together.

I turned to the mirror which was mounted on the wall above my bed. The bandages still covered my neck, only a small portion of the scar there, able to be seen. I would have this scar for the rest of my life, the nurse had said. A reminder for the rest of my life that once life had really been this bad. Maybe it would remind me that whatever life awaited me now, life could never really be that bad again. A positive reminder. I looked at the rest of me. My skin was still white but not as pale as it had been. My eyes had lost that dead quality I was used to seeing when I used to glare sadly at the hideous creature that I had been. My eyes were quite pretty now and my smile. Well my teeth were still disgusting but I didn’t mind my smile now. It lit up my face. I wanted Frank to come and see me. I wanted to smile at him and show him the new me. I remembered his wonder struck face when I had smiled at him last time he had come to see me. I wanted him to see me and think how beautiful I was. I wanted that more than anything. No, what I wanted more than anything was someone to walk through the door so I could tell them the good news. I wanted to scream it at them! I was free! I can go home now!

I sighed and faced the door, wishing someone to come through. But when someone actually did, I wanted to take my wish back. Mikey walked into the room, his hair a mess and blood drenching the front of his shirt. His eyes were full of tears and his face downcast. Dark shadows on his face told me he hadn’t slept and as he looked at me, I saw his eyes begging me for help. I ran at him, holding him against me, waiting for him to stop crying so he could tell me what had happened. The blood wasn’t him. I knew that it wasn’t Mum’s or a nurse would have been to visit me already. There was only one other person who could do this to my little brother.