Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Illusionists And Magicians

There's a difference between an illusionist and a magician. Harry Houdini was an illusionist. He was also the president of the Society of American Magicians. He was a popular president until he passed HoudiniCare. The word "magician" is from the Greek word "Mageaia," meaning "One who wears a top hat, cape and looks a bit like a gay vampire." I once got mugged by a magician. It wasn't funny. He took my wallet, my watch and every silver dollar I had behind my ear.
An illusionist is one who shows you something that defies the laws of nature, thus creating anxiety. It is something that creates a weird feeling in your stomach, like Nancy Pelosi or Harry Reid.Obamacare is an illusion created by illusionists. The trick is to connive and lie to the public about the grandeur of the plan without having the slightest idea of what you're talking about. Then you illegally amend and change the written law to fit your political needs.Obama and his cohorts have once again illegally changed the law and have extended the sign up period by an additional two weeks. Why, you might ask? The answer is purely political. The mid-term elections are drawing near (November) and polls show that more than half of the electorate dislike Obamacare.....On a sad note: Lynda Petty, wife of famed seven time NASCAR champion Richard Petty, passed away yesterday. My condolences to Richard and the entire Petty family.

The News As I See It: Obama has convinced the leaders of the world’s biggest economies to move the G-8 summit out of Russia this summer and meet in Brussels instead. Vladimir Putin said, "Good. By summer, Brussels will be part of Russia." Can you name all of the G-8? I try but I always forget Bashful. Over the weekend,Vladimir Putin ordered fireworks to go off in Moscow to celebrate Crimea joining Russia. That’s right, Putin ordered fireworks to go off in Moscow. Either that or one of Putin’s rivals tried to start his car.Russia will fly an American astronaut to the International Space Station this week. And you thought driving someone home after a breakup was awkward.
In college basketball,March Madness starts out with 68 teams. Then it goes to 32. And then it drops to 16. It's like Obama's approval rating.Elton John celebrated a birthday this week.. You know who else's birthday is this week? "Sex and the City" star Sarah Jessica Parker. One is a sassy lady dreaming about hooking up with Mr. Big. The other one is Sarah Jessica Parker.Customs officials in Europe recently seized a shipment of cocaine that was addressed to the Vatican. Which can only mean that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford just received a giant box of communion wafers.

This Date In History:1827;
Composer Ludwig van Beethoven died at age 56 in Vienna, Austria.
1945;
The battle of Iwo Jima ended; about 22,000 Japanese troops were killed or captured in the fighting and more than 4,500 U.S. troops were killed.
1971;
East Pakistan proclaimed its independence, taking the name Bangladesh.
1979;
In a ceremony at the White House, President Sadat of Egypt and Prime Minister Begin of Israel signed a peace treaty ending 30 years of war between the two countries.
1982;
Groundbreaking ceremonies for the Vietnam Veterans Memorial took place in Washington, DC.
2000
Vladimir Putin was elected president of Russia.

Picture Of The Day: Harry Houdini, the world famous master of the illusion.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1)Now that my kids are getting older, I'm worried I'll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
2) I see dead people. Technically they're stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
3) I probably should've said, "Congratulations on your 4th child!" instead of "Halfway there, OctoMom".
4) There's a new website that helps you write elaborate works of personalized fiction. It's called Match.com.
5) A good indication of the intelligence of celebrities can be measured by the names they give their children. In an interview, one particular pair mentioned their children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - March 26th:Dank, inhospitable service station toilets may turn out to be your best friend today. It's all one big crap chute anyway.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill:An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live."
Bill replied, "But doctor, I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"
After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day."
Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?" The doctor replied,
"No, but it will get you used to the dirt." Once upon a time, there was a sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he
reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow.
The sparrow thought it was the end. But the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm, happy and able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and hearing
the chirping, investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.The moral of the story: 1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy. 2) Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend. 3) If you’re warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my friends Mike and Viv for their contributions to today's stories.A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn’t have a bath, although, if she wanted to, she could take a tub bath in front of the fire.
The woman said, "Monday’s the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts."The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the tub and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the girl didn’t have any pubic hair.
She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn’t believe her, so she said, "Next Monday, when you go to play darts, leave a little early and wait outside the window. I’ll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?"
The girl said, "No, I’ve just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
The woman said,
"Oh, yes", and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed. The girl finished her bath and went to bed. Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" He answered, "Yes, but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
His wife replied, "Why ever are you worried about that? You’ve seen it often enough before."
Her husband answered, "
I know, but the whole damn dart team hadn’t!"

A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that read, "$5.00 - If I can't tell you where you're from, I'll pay you $50.00."
The young man watched a cowboy approach the Indian and ask, "Is the sign right?"
The Indian says, "yes."
The cowboy hands him a five and says, ""you're on."
The Indian looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some cow dung on his boots and flatly states, "you're from Wyoming."
The cowboy shakes his head and says, "I'll be darned! You're right" and strolls away.
A second cowboy approaches the Indian and goes through the same routine. Handing him the fiver, he stands and watches as the Indian looks him up and down and notices a bit of straw and cow dung on his boots.
The Indian says, "you're from Montana."
The dejected cowboy walks away.
The young man decides he's going to give the Indian a run for the money. He goes into the mensroom, takes his boots off, scrubs them up, dries them off, puts on a coat of polish and approaches the Indian. He hands the Indian a five dollar bill and says, "Do your stuff."
The Indian looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be befuddled. The young man is now thinking he's gone one up on the Indian.
The Indian says, "You're from Arkansas."
The young man gets really upset and can't for the life of him figure out how the Indian could know that, so he asks, "How in the world did you know I'm from Arkansas?"
The Indian replies, "By the wool on your zipper."

That's it for today, my little jellybeans. Remember, when you get angry at someone count out loud to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
I'm off toAREA 51for happy hour.More on Friday.

My Brother Kirt, Dog Beanie And Myself

Band Practice back in the day

About AREA 51

AREA 51 began as a location in a local watering hole where my friends and I would always sit. Soon thereafter, people began stopping by and asking me why the area was always full and so popular. I would tell them that we were the descendants of the UFO crash at Roswell, New Mexico and that we always sat together. My friends then had an AREA 51 sign made and placed it over the barstool where I always sat. Since that day years ago, there was always anAREA 51.

It has since been transformed to described my current watering hole. Since joining AOL Journals in December of 2006, I began adding honorary members to theAREA 51 menagerie.AREA 51 is a state of mind and not always a location. The majority of the members have escaped from a home and are constantly looking over their shoulders. They are intelligent, fun loving and enjoy life to its fullest.