Can I be blunt? Count on it. So I was at the bar (hold your shock for later) and I picked up a copy of the Dallas Observer. And suddenly it struck me like domestic abuse on a staircase: I know what I want to be when I grow up! Note: Unless Chad Roscher and Dustin Pot Pie both end up at the Betty Ford Clinic, the chances of me growing up anytime soon are unlikely at best.

I came across an advice column toward the back of the magazine. The only problem is that the advice columnist—bless their drunken heart—is actually trying to dispense real advice. And when you read some of these unguided cries for euthanasia, you’ll understand why a serious response is inappropriate.

Where can a straight guy find a transsexual woman who is NOT a hooker and just wants to be friends (with benefits)? I know they are out there, but I just can’t find them! Help a brother out!-Lonely Tranny Lover

Dear “straight” guy—at the risk of pissing off what I hope is the very small demographic that you represent—it may be just you and your hand tonight. Again. Please let us know if you find the mother load though.

I’m a 24-year-old straight female in a relationship. The sex is great, except for one thing: my boyfriend is so f*cking quiet while we are having sex. No words, no moans, a stone-cold facial expression. I know he is enjoying himself…-We’re Not in The Library

The original post went on for a couple more paragraphs, and it really wasn’t worth typing. WNITL, do you know what your problem is? Probably not since you entrusted your sex life into the wisdom of an anonymous stranger. My thoughts? You talk too much. I’m sure if you found a way to keep quiet in bed (be creative), he might be more vocal.

My boyfriend/fiancé likes to be put in a cage, and we have a very scary-looking cage in my closet…-My Boyfriend Is My Prisoner

Wow. And I thought that I had relationship issues. I was laughing too hard to even finish typing the rest of her very sordid relationship drama. It was something about how she only lets him out of the cage if she wants to have sex… and then she complained that she couldn’t get the apartment she wanted because he insisted that his cage have it’s own closet—she wanted to know who was “in the right.” Hey Warden, you both need help. How do you ask someone to take sides on something that awkward? I mean seriously, do you really think this is some kind of curriculum focus in college? Try rock, paper, scissors. No, not the hand motions. The real things.

I’m officially submitting my application to be an advice columnist. As well-intended as I think the real columnist is, it sickens me to think they went to school for all those years just to try and write responses to these bizarre relationship issues.

If you don’t get help in rehab, please don’t risk going out in public… I take sarcasm and pepper spray with me everywhere I go.

Disclaimer: I’m clearly not affiliated with Dallas Observer (and if they ever read this I probably never will be). And I absolutely don’t claim ownership over the excerpts from their savage love column. The copyright at the bottom of page 59 of the May 27 – June 2, 2010, newsletter gives credit to Dan Savage.