At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings? ''Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles. ''Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs? ''Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers. ''I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?''Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi...'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.'

I saw my mate the other day, he`s only got one arm, I shouted "What you up to?" he said: "I`m going to change a light bulb" I replied "That will be a bit tricky for you" he shouted: "No it won`t I`ve got the receipt"..........

I`ve just come out of the chippy eating a meat & potato pie, large chips, curry sauce & a jumbo sausage.. A poor homeless man was sat freezing on the floor outside.. he said: "I`ve had nothing to eat for two days" I replied: "I wish I had your fucking will power".....

Quasimodo is lying on the ground in front of Notre Dame bleeding everywhere, broken legs and arms.. He looks up at the bell tower and sees Esmeralda looking down at him...He shouts "You fucking bitch, that`s not what I meant when I said toss me off"..........

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten knob. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten knob?' She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.' She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?' She pointed and said, 'Of course, it's right there.' If you're not sure what a 710 is.........Look at 710 upside down.......

David Cameron is at his weekly meeting with the Queen when he says, "As I`m Prime Minister, I`m thinking of changing how the Country is referred to, and I`m thinking that it should be a Kingdom" The Queen replies, "I`m sorry Mr Cameron, but to be a Kingdom you have to have a King in charge and your not a King" David Cameron thought a while then said, "How about a Principality then?" The Queen replied, "Sorry again, but to be a Principality you have to be a Prince and you are not a Prince, Mr Cameron" Again, Cameron thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?" The Queen, getting a little pissed off by now replied, "Sorry again, Mr Cameron, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge, and you are not an Emperor" And before David Cameron could utter another word, the Queen said, I think we`re doing quite nicely as a COUNTRY"

Whilst on a tour of duty in Northern Ireland when the curfews were in operation, I was in the guardroom when a shot rang out. I rushed out to see a young soldier standing over the body of a man, I said "What the hell is going on" to which the soldier replied "Curfew Sir he shouldn`t be out" I looked at my watch and informed the soldier that it was only ten to nine and the curfew did not come into operation until Nine O`Clock. To which the young soldier said, "I know Sir, but I know where he lives and he wouldn`t have made it"

Yorkshire Folk........ The great North - South Divide! Two southerners - businessmen in London - were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling." No sooner were the words out of his mouth when sure enough, a curious Yorkshireman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Yorkshire accent asked "What's tha sellin' ere?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arse-holes.." Without skipping a beat, the Yorkshireman said, "Tha's doing well ......... Only two left!" Southerners should not mess with Yorkshire men

A primary teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Liverpool fan," she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?" I am a Leeds Utd fan, and proud of it," Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Leeds Utd fan?" "Because my mum is a Leeds Utd fan, and my dad is a Leeds Utd fan, so I'm a Leeds Utd fan too!" "Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a Leeds Utd fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?" "Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."

Two teenage girls in School, Ones a bit posh, the other is a bit of a slapper. Teacher asks the posh one; "Give me a sentence using the word improper? She replies with her posh accent, "At the weekend my Father was digging up the Potatoes using a spade, that was improper, he should have used a fork." The Teacher asks the other girl the same question, she replies, "Last night my boyfriend was shagging me, and when his balls were slapping against my arse, I knew it was in proper…

Little Julie came home from playing at Billys house and called out: "Hey, mum, guess what! Billys got a penis like a peanut" Her mum was understandably confused for a second, then queried: What you mean it`s shaped like a peanut?" "No, silly. . . . it tastes salty"!!!.............

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding the ranges, when all of a sudden Tonto jumps off his horse and listens to the ground. After a few seconds he says to the Lone Ranger: "Buffalo come" The Lone Ranger replies: "How do you know that?" Tonto says: "Sticky ear"

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

'May I help you sir?' she asked.

'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.

'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'

The man replied, 'New York'.'Really', she said. 'I have family in New York.'

'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that 3 things in life are certain.1. Death2. Taxes3. Being screwed by a lawyer

"When I were a lad, me mother would send me down to t'corner shop wi' a shilling, and I'd come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o' bread, three pints o' milk, a turkey, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf a dozen eggs. Yer can't do that now. Too many bloody security cameras."

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil > that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get > in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow > in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed > until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before > brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No > bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! > Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa > hot water and even a light to see what ya doing! > > At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo > steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again > until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because > we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to > the windmill in the back paddock!!> > This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep > getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a > bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya > like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their > prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make > yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You > don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and > ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo > shooting truck when you reload!> > Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real > careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and > Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do > at home after the muster.> Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best > the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from > the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles > across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone > wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off > to the boozer.> > I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick > before word gets around how bloody good it is.> > Your loving daughter,> > Sheila