Tuesday, August 06, 2002

Tell your friend Anna, "You're responsible for the cokes. If I don't have a can of coke in my hand within five minutes of my ass touching soil, I swear to God you'll feel a big fucking boot up your ass!"

Tell your kids, "Don't forget the bug candles. Unless you want me to start drinking again. I think we both remember how many times you nearly died when I used to get real loaded and slam your heads against the bed post. Shit, you probably remember better than me, being as you were the sober ones back then. I still say that was all your fault. Least I never tried and fucked ya's. Not my type I guess. Anyway, I get bit by one mosquito and you're gonna wish it ate me whole. I love you both, by the way. Just sayin'."

Tell your spouse, "Make sandwiches. NOW!"

Tell your coworker who just recently got a divorce so all of a sudden he or she has to be invited out by all these people who never really gave a shit about him or her before and the whole fucking city's supposed to try to get him or her laid as some kind of payoff for not being able to keep a family from disintegrating, "Just bring yourself. I'll take care of everything. Including the ass I'm supposed to set you up with."

Tell your grandmom, "I SAID MOOOOVE BITCH!!!"

Look into the mirror and tell yourself, "Even if someone fucks up and you have to beat the living shit out of them, it's ultimately your fault. The universe will demand your suicide by self-immolation. Now go get some fresh air."