As a professional coach who has worked with hundreds of people over the years, one question keeps recurring: “How could I ever tell my (current/future), partner of my desires? S/he would never understand.” I see and understand the dilemma. Societally, we simply do not talk about sex the way we might food, clothing, or reading preferences, so it’s not so easy to say, I prefer anal over oral or I really love being tied up by the right person – it’s simply not done. And if it’s not done, how can we go about doing it without changing the status quo? Is it really our job to illuminate others on the complexity of sexual desire. Well, yes, it is.

There is perhaps no more honest a quote than when Mahatma Gandhi said “You must be the change you wish to see in the world”. You see, if you sit around waiting for others to make the change for you, and they’re sitting around waiting, and everybody’s just waiting, well, you get the idea: everyone’s just stuck in “the waiting place”. To continue paraphrasing Theodor Suess Geisel, “But no! that’s not for you! Onward you will fly.
Except when you don’t because sometimes you won’t.” Why? Because you lack the tools and the skills which will give you the confidence that you need to say “I want a spanking!” or “I’d really love to suck your toes” or whatever your repressed sexual desire may be.

It is for this very reason that my work was born and has evolved over time. I, and many many more practitioners out there, want to help you learn to speak, if ever so gently about your desire. Now, interestingly enough, I was recently discussing my profession and its pitfalls with a friend. Besides the modest income, my main concern is that I often intimidate prospective partners because of my sexual knowledge. What? you say, ludicrous! That’s like being paranoid that you should know psychology as well as a therapist or law as well as a lawyer in order to partner. Alas! I say, it is true. Many people, well, treat you differently. But I have chosen this path, and from it I cannot veer because it pains me to see how much people are repressed and controlled by their fears around sex and desire. So, I make it my quest if you will, to share and teach as much as I can so that other “normal” people can prosper and grow.

It is a courageous path and one that I think we ALL can walk on, even if only for awhile, or even while skipping lightly, rushing in a panic, or strolling leisurely…it’s all the same path. Dr Suess also says in “Oh, The Places You’ll Go!” that “you” will be fearless, which is the secret to any life worth living according to many “great” people. Fearlessness is most associated with bravery since it implies “without fear” which courage requires. Courage is the state of knowing the danger, sometimes even feeling small within the task, but still, through sheer will, persevering:

Bravery is the ability to confront pain, danger or attempts of intimidation without any feeling of fear. It is strength in character that allows a person to always be seemingly bigger than the crisis, whether he is indeed more powerful or is lesser than what he is tackled with. Courage, on the other hand, is the ability to undertake an overwhelming difficulty or pain despite the eminent and unavoidable presence of fear. More than a quality, it is a state of mind driven by a cause that makes the struggle all worth it. Unlike in the case of bravery, a person fueled by courage may feel inevitably small in the face of peril, pain or problems. The essence of courage is not the feeling of being certainly capable of overcoming what’s one is faced with, but rather is the willful choice to fight regardless of the consequences.

But what does this mean for our dear “everyman”? It means finding the space that is right for you. Can you be brave? fearless? courageous? or simply willful? Perhaps a touch of adventure in your soul? What tool can you wield to insure the most prompt and assured response? I suggest honesty. Our dear old friend honesty is the most useful tool in the tool box. Professionals will help you learn more about your desires, normalize the “weird”, and teach you how to courageously express your desires honestly to your loved ones so that you may live a happier and fuller life. Yes, you may lose a few people along the way, but isn’t it more fulfilling to have a rich interpersonal life than one full of mediocrity and superficiality?

I know it’s not easy. You know what’s “easy?”? It’s easy to find someone who enjoys the same activities as you: swimming, biking, film noir, french cuisine or whipping, spanking, bondage, anal, or threesomes. Perhaps those people can help validate your desires. What is not easy to find is connection. That is why I say if you find connection, be honest, share your sexual preferences as you might your other interests; even if it’s that you like it on top, or on sundays, or thinking about someone watching you. Chances are high that your partner has some desires as well. Listen carefully to see if you can find some commonality.

I trust you to find the courage to speak your truth, and in doing so, locate that intimacy within yourself and the other, so that you may continue to deepen and grow as the beautiful complex beings you are. If this is a bit “woo” for you today, so be it. I hope you remember however, that honesty will only bring you closer to the bigger picture, and the bigger picture is waiting for you to arrive. Good luck on your journey!

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About EVE MINAX

Alternative sexualities educator Eve Minax delights in proliferating carnal knowledge from the heart. She is a BDSM educator and consultant, a lifestyle and professional Domina, a performer, activist, and author who also acts as the Lead Staff Instructor for the Cleo Dubois Academy of SM Arts sm-arts.com

Eve presents at numerous sex shops, academic forums, and alternative sexuality conferences around the globe. She is the former coordinator for CineKink:Chicago, and the West Coast Coordinator for the Leather Archives and Museum, LA&M, Roadshow.