What it feels like

#1 If the weight of our moon measures in kilograms
while twisting each bottle cap counterclockwise
till your fingers bled into bone,
how much will the moon weigh on Sunday when I
bandage your fingers – this
time in bubblewrap?#2 Max has 4 girlfriends and 2 cell phones. He can eat 10
school hot dogs in 57 seconds.
What is the likelihood in a percent out of 100 that Max
will agree to partial custody of
his third girlfriend’s baby?

#3 It normally takes you 15 minutes (while walking at a
constant rate of 1 meter/1.5 seconds)
to get from your apartment complex to the mini mart.
If wine gets better with age, and you get better with wine,
what’s the difference between the time it normally takes you to
get to the mini mart versus after you’ve had approximately
4.5 glasses of Pinot Grigio (2012)?

Originally written as an attempt at satire, What it feels like quickly caught the attention of Allpoetry’s owner, who published it on the site’s front page at the time (July 18, 2016). Due to its lighthearted nature, I suggest consuming this poem with a grain of salt. My intention, as you will see on the site’s page, stemmed from the comical quality of completing school work – how ridiculous the questions seemed in the eyes of a 9th grader, particularly the word problems in math and science. I took that idea and really ran with it, crafting my own version of those questions. Enjoy!

*This poem and post are not endorsements of Allpoetry, its owner, or what it represents. I understand that all online platforms are not created equal, nor should they be treated as such.