How to get a narcissistic husband out that doesn't want to go

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This year I will be 23 years married, most of them have not been happy. We have 4 kids together ranging from young adults to a preteen. There is so much wrong that I can't possibly type it all. He routinely tells the kids they are dead to him if they make him mad. He has pretty much destroyed his relationship with most of them. We are not financially well off, yet he saw fit to spend some of our tax return on a solo trip to LONDON. Meanwhile kids need things, bills piling up, etc. We are also living next door to my elderly mother. I do spend some time taking care of her and helping her with various things after work. He has such intense hatred of her that I can no longer stand him! He will call her hideous names to me. She doesn't hear them, but she knows what he's like. He refuses to do anything to help her.
I've told him I want him to leave, but he says I'll have to get the police to throw him out. He wants to make it as nasty and expensive as possible to hopefully in his mind, force me to get money from my mother and run down my inheritance. He blames my mother for me not wanting to move across the country with him years ago, on the CHANCE he might get a good job. Meanwhile I am the breadwinner, and have a nice job. I was somehow expected to give that up? I don't think so. Right now, i just hate him so much. I dont know where to begin. I cant afford a big divorce. I hate the thought of staying. Any ideas on how to procede? I also want to minimize the conflict for the kids.

Good heavens... thatís an awful lot of awful. You sound like a decent conscientious personójust the type the narcissists love, from what Iíve read at Psych Central. Anyway, theres a lot to untangleó I hope Skeezyks weighs in with a list of links but thereís a lot of good information here on Psych C. Take it slow and be patient, read, post, figure out the various problems, understand them, then figure out the solutions, little by little. Develop plans and options and possibilities. And having a cup of tea and a chat with Mum from time to time can be a good thing, too.

This year I will be 23 years married, most of them have not been happy. We have 4 kids together ranging from young adults to a preteen. There is so much wrong that I can't possibly type it all. He routinely tells the kids they are dead to him if they make him mad. He has pretty much destroyed his relationship with most of them. We are not financially well off, yet he saw fit to spend some of our tax return on a solo trip to LONDON. Meanwhile kids need things, bills piling up, etc. We are also living next door to my elderly mother. I do spend some time taking care of her and helping her with various things after work. He has such intense hatred of her that I can no longer stand him! He will call her hideous names to me. She doesn't hear them, but she knows what he's like. He refuses to do anything to help her.
I've told him I want him to leave, but he says I'll have to get the police to throw him out. He wants to make it as nasty and expensive as possible to hopefully in his mind, force me to get money from my mother and run down my inheritance. He blames my mother for me not wanting to move across the country with him years ago, on the CHANCE he might get a good job. Meanwhile I am the breadwinner, and have a nice job. I was somehow expected to give that up? I don't think so. Right now, i just hate him so much. I dont know where to begin. I cant afford a big divorce. I hate the thought of staying. Any ideas on how to procede? I also want to minimize the conflict for the kids.

I wish i had some ideas for you but i don't. I am trying to decide on the same thing, and if i decide on a divorce, he won't leave, and i will have to have him removed. We live in a 50/50 state so everything would have to be sold. Our only difference is that my Son is 31 so i don't have to worry about him, but he is against a divorce, so i don't know about that.

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