Jan 11, 2011

You say you want a... resolution?

How are your New Year's resolutions coming along? As I write, I'm half-starved and painfully caffeine-free thanks to a particular resolution, which requires a "mellow" three-day cleanse I read about. I thought I'd feel light and bright, if not a little high from being so... healthy. But you know what? It is horrible. Really, really awful. Every time I complain, my beau says, "Patience and self discipline, my love." I say BOLLOCKS.

I know the first day of a cleanse is the toughest and all that... oh, did I not mention that this is my first day? Eight hours and counting! Gold star for me, please. First day or not: PEOPLE! I. AM. HUNGRY. Usually, if I'm peckish but too lazy or busy to get food, I'll have a cup of joe and the pangs of an empty belly subside until I can grab a bite. The no coffee stipulation of this cleanse obviously rules out that option, and the fact that I can't have my most beloved morning elixir is making it difficult to think about anything but coffee. Steaming, dark, rich, and creamy lattes and cappuccinos are dancing through my empty head at this very moment. To be clear, there's a brain in the large Norwegian skull resting on my shoulders, but I have given up any hope that it will work without my daily fixes. And yes, I get that the fact that I HAVE fixes is the whole point of a cleanse! Don't question me, dear reader, there's no telling how I might react at any moment. Where was I? Ah yes... Why cleanse if you're just going to bitch about it for the duration of the torture experience? Well, let's just say a little website called Goop inspired a particular blogger (who was high on the gluttony of the holidays) to think, "Gee, this would be a fun thing to do as a couple!" Yes, that blogger was me, and YES, this was my idea. Unfortunately, my much more dedicated and disciplined boyfriend is holding my feet to the fire and there's no going back. Please, I beg of you, share your cleanse success stories with me—if they exist. Make them up if you have to because at this point, I am skeptical that any success can possibly come from abstaining from all of the little treats that bring me so much joy—warm, caffeinated, and satiating joy.