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HINTS TO GENTLEMEN ON THE ART OF FASCINATING

Here is an article about how the nineteenth century man wooed his woman, could we apply these tips for the modern man of today? I will leave it up to you to decide! (admin)

I expect to win the gratitude of the whole masculine gender by these rules of the art of fascinating.

It used to be supposed that this art belonged exclusively to my sex; but that was a vulgar error, which the sharp practice of the men has long since exploded. And it is now well established that gentlemen spend a great deal more time in inventing ways and means to entrap women and get them in love with them, than women do in trying to win hearts of gentlemen. Love making, indeed seems to be the “being’s end and aim” of man. He appears to think that he was born for no other purpose, and he devotes himself to the business with zeal and an enthusiasm highly honourable to his exalted genius, and to the immortal station he claims for himself of being the lord of creation.

To become a proficient in the art of fascinating, therefore, is not merely an accomplishment and a pastime but it is a duty which may not neglect without incurring the gravest censure of mankind. In entering upon the study of this great and important art, to start correctly, he must take it for granted that women are not only very poor judges of men, but that they absolutely prefer fops, fools, and triflers, to men of sense and character. If, however, the student has doubts on his subject he had better refer to certain learned authorities which will not fail to establish his mind in the right premises. Mackenzie says “women have a predilection for frivolous men.”

One of the most learned of the British Essayists says, “When we see a fellow loud and talkative, full of insipid life of laughter, we may venture to pronounce him a female favourite.” Mr Burke tells you that “the character which generally passes for agreeable with the women is made up of civility and falsehood.”

And if poets were of any authority in this high art, I might refer to Dryden, who sings-

“Our thoughtless sex is caught by outward form

And empty noise-and loves itself in man.”

If these learned authorities fail to satisfy the mind of my pupils I shall beg to refer them to the works of Sir Walter Raleigh and Lord Chesterfield, who are very copious on this subject. But as they progress in the experimental part of the art, they will learn to rely less on authorities, and trust more to their own experience and skill.

Indeed I have seldom met with a man who did not consider himself, in this way, such a proficient in this sublime art that may be wasting time to dwell at all upon the subject of authorities.

THE FIRST RULE

Set it down, then, that the woman prefer triflers to men of sense, and when you wish to make one of the sex tremendously in love with you, you will of course make yourself as big a fool as possible, in order to ensure the most speedy and triumphant success. You will do this not only because women prefer such characters, but you will also consider that so little do the most sensible and fascinating women know of their own power, that, Nero-like, they will only stop to catch flies and gnats.

Your hope of complete success then, lies in your ability to be coxcomb, who has no earthly recommendation but his face, his coat, and his impudence. To acquire pleasing and fascinating manners you will do well to spend half of your tome between the curling irons and looking-glass, so as to become the paragon described by Mr. Tennyson.

“ Oiled and curled like an Assyrian bull,

Smelling of musk and insolence.”

THE SECOND RULE.

You will make an immense hit with the ladies by pretending to be no admirer of any particular woman, but a professed adorer and slave of the whole sex; a thing which can easily show by staring insultingly at every pretty woman you meet.

The man playing hard to get, does this sound familiar? Does this approach really get the woman? But then it is written with a fair amount of sarcasm. ( admin)

This will also be following the analogy of nature, as we know that fleas and other disgusting insects molest those who have the tenderest skins and fairest complexions, just as the human flesh-flies haunt the fairer part of creation. Then, as you are not a particular, but only a general lover, the ladies will regard it as a safe business to receive the fractional part of your heart which might belong to them, just as a popular notion prevails that homeopathic doses of medicine are harmless, to say the least.

RULE THREE.

You will do well to boast that you have no higher ambition in life than merely to render yourself agreeable to the ladies. This will at once impress them with profound respect for the magnitude of your ambition, and the majesty of your genius. Every woman will be crazy to marry a man of such splendid prospects; and the whole sex will be most happy to avail themselves of the services of so amiable and useful a gentleman.

But let me caution you not to give the slightest heed to those cast-iron, sneering kind of men who out of jealousy, will say that you were framed by nature to be a woman’s fool, and who will further seek to annoy you by saying that those ladies change their lackey-lovers as often as they do their bonnets, because they soon get tired of them.

RULE FOUR.

If you can affect effeminacy and a lisping softness in your speech it will go a great way towards winning confidence and esteem of a sensible and lovely woman.

Let your conversation never rise out of the level of balls, parties, fashions and the opera. The opera will not only a pleasing but an appropriate theme for you, as it will associate you, in the lady’s mind, with the charming subject of music, reminding her that quavers and unmeaning words are always softer than its more manly parts.

RULE FIVE.

By all means wear jewellery; if you have it not your own, borrow it, or get it in some other way, for you must be sure that you go not into the presence of a woman, whose good opinion is worth having, without loaded with jewellery. An immense breast-pin, either of diamonds or paste, with two rings on each hand and a heavy fob chain, twelve inches long will be sufficient to prove that you are a man of substantial good sense, and that you are the possessor of a heart which is worthy of the confidence and admiration of any woman.

RULE SIX.

Remember that faint heart never won fair lady yet, and that, therefore, you must push your suit with the determination and vehemence of an army of soldiers storming a fort. Women like men of courage, therefore you should entertain the lady you would win with a narration of the number of men you knocked down, at balls and bar-rooms, who had the temerity to cross your path. Be sure that you always make yourself the hero of some scrape, for, notwithstanding the ladies will readily know that you are telling lies all the time, yet you show that you have a taste for fighting, and that you really possess all the attributes of a hero but the more brutal part of it,-courage.

RULE SEVEN.

Remember that we do not like men for the merit we may discover in them, so much as for that they can find in us; therefore be sure that no out-fawns you in the attentions paid to the woman of your choice. Let your compliments be so marked a character that there can be no mistaking them. For instance, you may ask her if she is always particular to shut her eyes on retiring to bed? She will ask why? And you will answer, because if you do not, I fear that the brightness of your eyes will burn holes in the blanket, or set the house a fire! This kind of compliment is of the most delicate nature, and will be certain to impress the lady, especially if she is a person of sense, with the sincerity and purity of your intentions.

RULE EIGHT.

You cannot be too attentive to your dress. You should never approach a lady except when dressed so as to look precisely as though a tailor had made you not more than fifteen minutes before. Be careful that your figure is consulted in the color and fit of your garments. If you are tall and lank, wear nothing but black, that you may “appear like a stick of black sealing-wax,” which will impress the ladies with the idea of the adhesive quality of your nature. If you are short and dumpy, and “better made for rolling than for running,” you will look particularly handsome in light or grey clothes, which will greatly enhance your fine rotundity. If your legs are small and crooked, do not fail to have your pants cut to fit a little tighter than your skin, as this will show to great advantage the delicacy of your proportion, while at the same time, it will familiarize a lady’s eye to the sight of those disgusting spiders, which, otherwise, might cause great mischief by sudden frights. If you are wise, you will not fail to impress upon a lady’s mind the idea that you are a great deal more particular about your clothes than your mind, for your mind, being always out of sight, can never offend her taste, whereas your clothes are constantly before her eyes.

RULE NINE.

On being introduced to a lady you will immediately inform her that you consider that the proper study of mankind is woman, and that Pope was therefore wrong when he asserted it to be man. You will proceed to say that you have made the sex your study so long that you find it impossible to withdraw your constant inspection of everything a lady says and does. This she will receive as a great compliment paid to her sex, while it will be particularly pleasing to her knowing that she has such a competent and vigilant spy upon all her actions.

RULE TEN.

If you are invited to dine, go at least an hour or a half before the time, for then the lady will be sure never to forget you, as the attentive and polite gentleman who allowed her neither time to dress, nor to superintend her dinner. Or, if it is not convenient to go so long beforehand, you had best not go till twenty minutes, or half an hour after the time, and so keep the dinner waiting, for this will get the lady in the habit thinking of you when you are absent, which is agreat point gained in the progress of love.

But under no circumstances must you arrive at the place about five or ten minutes before the dinner hour, for should you do so, the lady will be reminded of the vulgar showman, who cries-“be in time, be in time-just going to begin- be in time.”

RULE ELEVEN.

Much depends on your conduct at the table; for ladies are very observant of all such little affairs. To give one a good idea of your gentility, take your napkin and tie it round your neck as a “bib,” turn up your coat sleeves, and fall to, without paying any attention to the lady who sits next to you, for ladies like not to be disturbed at meals.

To show that you relish your food, let your mastication be quite audible, and when you drink to a lady, say “here’s luck,” smack your lips, and cry “ha!” Nothing gives a lady a more exalted idea of a man than to see that he is fond of good eating and drinking.

RULE TWELVE.

When you call upon a lady be sure that you say something smart, and make some local hit applicable to herself. For instance, if you perceive that she has a cough, you can say that you are sorry to hear that, as you fear it may lead to a coffin. Some such sublime joke as this will be sure to obtain you a favourable degree, by relating the number of your female friends who have died of consumption within a year, and you can wind up by quoting the following words of Moore:

“I never had a dear gazelle

To glad me its mild blue eye,

But when it came to know me well

And love me, it was sure to die.”

This will make her particularly anxious to be considered one of your “female friends.”

RULE THIRTEEN.

If you invite a lady to go to the theatre, neglect not to leave her, and go out to drink with your male friends between each act, as this will show her that you have confidence that she can protect herself; and if you can fall asleep during the play, it will be a great thing for you, as it will show that you are too much interested in her to take interest in the play; and, besides, she has the sweet imagining that you are dreaming of her. Nothing so fascinates a woman as to know that a gentleman dreams about her. Hence you will do well to always pretend that you dreamed of her, whether you did or not.

No matter if she understands your falsehood, as she will be quite sure to do, for still she cannot help being flattered that you think so much of her that you will tell her falsehoods to please her.

RULE FOURTEEN.

It will be greatly to your advantage to entertain the lady you would win with an account of the number of women who are in love with you, and of the decided advances which they have made to you; for this will not only prove that you are a great favourite with the ladies, and a man of true honor, but it will convince her that she may have the honor of being enrolled in the same list, and of being praised in the same way, in the presence of your other female friends. This will greatly delight her, and you need not be surprised if she testifies her admiration of your character by throwing her arms around your neck on the spot. And if afterwards you should hear of her having said that you ought to be hanged, you will, of course understand that she wants to use her own lovely arms for the halter.

RULE FIFTEEN.

One of the most direct and sure ways to fascinate a lady, is to excite in her heart a spirit of rivalry, through jealousy. A common way of doing this is to get the daguerreotypes of your father’s cook and chambermaid.

And take them to your lady-love, and tell her that they are the likenesses of two very rich and highly respectable ladies who have for a long time persecuted you with their affections, and at last have had the indelicacy to send you their pictures, without any solicitation on your part whatever.

This story will be readily believed, as everybody knows that rich and respectable ladies are in the habit of doing such things, and it will certainly convince any lady that you are a prize worth having, especially as she foresees that she would have the pleasure of having her home filled with a cabinet of strange women’s faces, which she could exhibit as the proud savage does the scalps her husband has taken from the heads of his enemies.

RULE SIXTEEN.

If a lady you admire happens to make the acquaintance of some gentleman of superior attainments and position to yourself, make yourself as boorish to him as possible, whenever you meet him in her company, for this will be sure to increase her admiration of you, and cause her to despise him. And then, the moment he leaves, you will be able to demolish him entirely by assailing his character- making him out a rascal, a roué and a libertine, of the very blackest dye; and fail not to believe that the blacker you paint him, the whiter you will look yourself. This course cannot fail to bring her to her senses, and convince her what a fool she has made of herself by taking such a ruffian and scoundrel for a gentleman.

And then she will admire you beyond description as the discoverer of his villainy, especially as she will clearly perceive the motives you had for the exercise of such an extraordinary sagacity. By this course you will open to her mind a vein of certain commendable traits of character possessed in an eminent degree by yourself, and to which she might otherwise have forever remained a stranger.

RULE SEVENTEEN.

If you have not learning, by all means pretend to have it, for this will give a lady, and all of her friends, an opportunity of laughing at you, which will make you a most agreeable and amusing fellow in her estimation. But if, on the other hand, you really possess some little learning, do not fail to show it off on all occasions. If a lady does not know a word of French, you will, of course, intersperse your conversation plentifully with the words from that language. You may ask her if she has ever read

“Les Egarements du Coeur?” She will stare at you to see if you are mad, and you will have the pleasure of relieving her alarm by telling her it is the name of a French book, the English of which is “The wandering of the heart,” and which you believe has never been translated into our language. She will think you really a charming man for having relieved the distressing anxiety which you had created. Now you can not only talk in English on the delightful subject of hearts, but, having given her a taste of French, you can proceed to give her a useful and pleasing lesson in that language. You may tell her that you learned it very easily; that the words are very simple, and you can prove yourself by informing her that the French word for fool is folle, and for ass is dne, that the masculine article a, is un, and that et means and, that therefore

un folle et un dne means a fool and an ass.

If there is no one to correct your bad French you will get credit for being a great scholar, while the beauty and propriety of your first lesson in French, and she will be sure never to forget you as long as she remembers it.

RULE EIGHTEEN.

It will be a masterly stroke of policy for you to pretend to be an atheist, and to scoff at every idea of religion; for, if you have no respect for your maker, nor for anything that mankind holds sacred, it will satisfy any intelligent and reflecting lady that you will have all the more respect and love bestow upon her.

RULE NINETEEN.

You ought to know that there are four things which always possess more or less interest to a lady- a parrot, a peacock, a monkey, and a man; and the nearer you can come to uniting all these about equally in your own character, the more will you be loved. This is also a cheap and excellent recipe for making a dandy- a creature which is always an object of admiration and esteem to the ladies.

This has left me feeling quite confused, why would you want the love of your life to posses the qualities of a monkey, parrot and peacock? Not the most endearing contributes.(admin)

RULE TWENTY.

As heels are of more importance to men than heads, you will of course, spend all of your earlier days in learning to dance, and when you are perfected in the art, you cannot do better than spend the rest of your time in dancing. Fail not to convince a lady that your real existence is in the ball-room, and during all the intervening time your godlike faculties are simply taking their natural sleep. You must not dance as a mere pastime and as an occasional amusement, but you must devote yourself to it as a business and a religion.

For which you wish to live or dare to die.

Dance with all the might of your body, and all the fire of your soul, in order that you may shake all melancholy out of your liver; and need not restrain yourself with the apprehension that any lady will have the least fear that the violence of your movements will ever shake anything out of your brains.

RULE TWENTY ONE.

Nothing so readily fascinates a lady as wit; but as this a very rare thing, and only one in ten thousand really possess it, the best you can do is effect it-that is, you can try to be witty, and even if you should fail, the lady’s laughter will testify how much she is delighted at your effort. Puns are always delightful, and you must not forget that those only are good which are decidedly bad, a fact which is all in your favour. Should you hear a lady tell her servant to bring up the dinner, a delicate piece of wit would be to affect great astonishment, and exclaim, “Bring up the dinner! Pray tell me, madam, has your servant swallowed the dinner?” Or you can make a misstep, and bump your head against hers, if you dare risk your own in such a collision and say, “ Beg pardon, but you know two heads are better than one;” and even if you should happen to break a shell side-comb, and give her a headache for a day, she will forgive it because of the manliness and delicacy of your wit. Or you might contrive to kick her leg with the toe of your boot, until she cries out with pain, which will give you a chance to defend yourself by declaring that she has “no right to complain, as it was perfectly leg-al.”

Only treat a lady with such refined and charming wit as this, and she will sure to betray the tenderest regard for you, by affectionately wishing you were in “Abraham’s bosom.

RULE TWENTY TWO.

Should you invite a lady out for supper, you must, by all means, order three times as much of expensive dishes as it will be possible for you to eat, as this will show her that you have a generous disregard of money, and would just as soon waste it, as spend it economically, which will convince her that your wife will never want for money, i.e. if you have any yourself.

If it is not convenient to be expensive, take the other extreme, and be as mean as possible. Condemn all dishes, that cost over fifteen cents, as being out of season or as unhealthy; and all wines you are to denounce as vile drugs, which you will neither drink yourself nor offer to those whom you respect.

Then order ale for two, which, as she will probably not drink of it, you will have all to yourself; and, as you put the glass to your lips blow off the froth, or head, and say “here’s you”- a compliment she cannot fail to appreciate and admire.

RULE TWENTY THREE.

Whenever you call on a lady, speak of having “just come from the club,” and dwell with pride upon the time you spend there, because all ladies have great faith in the happy influence of such places as “club” upon a young man, in not only teaching him the polite accomplishment of chewing and drinking, and a great many coarser habits, but they get him into the pleasant way of late hours, and of spending all his leisure time away from home. There is no sensible lady who will not jump at the chance of marrying one of these club-men, for she knows that she will be relieved of his company nearly all the time, and that she will, furthermore, have the great pleasure of sitting up to welcome him home at the poetical hour of midnight. What a charming prospect for domestic happiness!

RULE TWENTY FOUR.

You must do everything in your power to convince a lady that you are, in a modest way, a great admirer of beauty; an excellent way to prove which is, to be always seen on rainy days, when the streets are muddy, standing at the corners, where most ladies pass, staring at the embarrassment of pedestrian beauty, picking its blushing way through the mud. This is a compliment to the ladies, and a proof of your modest and elated admiration of the beautiful, which every respectable woman will duly appreciate. And, by simply reflecting upon the gratitude with which you would see the same delicate attentions paid to your own wife or daughter, you can fully realize the fascinating excellence of your character.

RULE TWENTY FIVE.

Of course you will never allow yourself to sit five minutes by the side of a lady without paying her some respectful and delicate attention, such as taking her handkerchief, and spreading it out on your lap, or leaning affectionately upon her, or throwing your arm over the back of her chair, which will look to spectators as though it were round her neck; or, if she wears a low necked dress, you can stand bending over her chair, looking down and praising the ring upon her finger, or the delicate whiteness of her hand. This will convince a lady that you have not only an inquiring mind, but you also possess the natural instinct of a well-bred and warm- hearted gentleman.

RULE TWENTY SIX.

What is called gassing is a great card for a gentleman to play, especially with an accomplished and discriminating lady. Whenever he meets her, he must pretend that he has just come from a long and interesting conversation with Colonel this- one, and General that-one, or just dined with Honourable Mister, or Governor So-and-so, and then speak of the great difficulty he had in tearing himself away from them. This will show her that he is conscious of possessing no merit of his own, to recommend him to her favour; which she will take as a pleasant and convincing proof of his modesty and humility, and which she will also charitably pass to his credit, against the lies which she well knows he is telling her.

RULE TWENTY SEVEN.

Always make yourself comfortable in the presence of a lady; which you may do, by sitting on the outer edge of your chair, and allowing your shoulders and body to fall backwards, while your legs are projecting forward into the middle of the room, and thrown apart like the divergent prongs of an immense pitch-fork. This is an elegant and tempting position. Then, in cold weather, you can sit down in her presence in your full winter rig, of over-coat, over-shoes, thick gloves and fur- cap, which will give you an air of great comfort, while at the same time, be regarded as a sign of the most delicate respect for her presence.

Or, you can accomplish the same desirable end, if the weather is hot, by going into her presence minus your suspenders and vest, with nothing on but your shirt, pantaloons, stockings and pumps. She will be sure to appreciate this delicate compliment to her presence, while she cannot fail to be struck with the justice and propriety of puppies’ achieving all the comforts they possibly can during dog-days.

RULE TWENTY EIGHT.

As vanity is considered one of the female virtues, you cannot do a better thing than to evince as much as much of it as possible. A convenient way to do this is to never forget yourself in the presence of a lady; that is, be more particular to render the occasion agreeable to yourself than you are to make it one of entire happiness to her; for this will show her that you think too much of yourself to descend to the small business of entertaining a woman.

Talk, therefore, only of your own affairs. Be constantly adjusting your shirt-collar, or arranging your cravat, which will not only show that you are ambitious to look as handsome as possible, but it will be an employment for your hands, which might prove, in some way, an annoyance to her.

RULE TWENTY NINE.

There is no way in which you can be more serviceable and render yourself more agreeable to a lady than to bring her all the bad news you hear, especially if it relates to herself. All the disparaging things you hear said of her, you will, of course take to her directly; which will cause her to always hail your coming with joy, while it proves, beyond a doubt, that you have been well-bred, and are a high-toned gentleman.

RULE THIRTY.

If you suspect a lady to possess a considerable amount of strong good sense, and if you know her to have had some experience in the world, you may believe that you can easily win her confidence and respect, by assuming an extraordinary amount of piety, virtue, and respectability; which she well knows to be an old trick of nearly all young scrape-graces, who have nothing but pretension in the great claims they make to morality. Therefore be easily shocked- be in constant alarm lest you should compromise yourself-put on pious airs; and the lady will give you credit for obeying the sublime injunction of the poet, who says:

“Assume a virtue- if you have not.”

RULE THIRTY ONE.

Always have some joke ready which is intended to be a hit at woman. For instance if you see a lady eating a piece of tongue, you can remark that you are surprised to see her doing that, as you thought the ladies had already tongue enough.

Some such originals joke as this will impress a lady greatly in your favour, by convincing her that you are one of those commonplace, insipid creatures, whose intellect is down to the low level of woman’s, and that you will not, therefore, be likely ever to startle and annoy her, by propositions or conversations beyond the reach of her comprehension.

RULE THIRTY TWO.

You will do well to follow the example of a great many gentlemen, and practise killing ways before the looking-glass, which will be quite sure to give you a style as charming and fascinating as the manners of a monkey, while it will flatter the vanity of any sensible woman to see what pains you take to render yourself so honourably agreeable to her sex.

RULE THIRTY THREE.

Always talk a little doubtingly of female virtue, for that will show that you are virtuous yourself, and that you associate chiefly with a class of woman who cannot fail to be of great advantage to you in giving you proper, and sufficiently cautionary, ideas of the character of the sex.

RULE THIRTY FOUR.

Pretend that you are perfectly invulnerable to all the charms of woman, which will convince her that you are the most vulnerable and susceptible creature alive, and that you are always making love to every pretty woman you see, married or single.

This will show that your heart is as tender as though it was rotten, and that you would, therefore, make a most excellent and desirable husband.

RULE THIRTY FIVE.

Also, talk perpetually of your great caution as to what woman you associate with.

The louder your professions in this matter, the more you convince a sensible lady that you would make love even to your washer-woman, without regard to color, and that your wife, therefore, may reasonably expect to be relieved of a great deal of the persecution of a husband’s affections.

RULE THIRTY SIX.

Always complain that your lady acquaintances are too numerous, and absorb too much of your time, which will convince a discerning woman that you have not a single respectable female acquaintance except herself, and that she, therefore, has you all to herself, including all your pretensions and lies.

RULE THIRTY SEVEN.

If there is a beautiful married lady in your neighbourhood, you will, of course, try to flirt with her; and, as a preparatory step, you will cultivate the confidence and friendship of her husband, which is a most direct road to the affections of the wife;

For it will thoroughly apprise her of her designs, and then nothing will delight her more than to witness your efforts to impose upon her husband.

If she is worth flirting with, your success will be certain, and you will have the pleasure of being laughed at those adroit rascals who always avoid the friendship and even the acquaintance of a man, with whose wife they desire to flirt.

RULE THIRTY EIGHT.

It is a masterly stroke of policy of some young man to be always railing at matrimony- an example I advise you, by all means, to copy, for it will give you an opportunity of courting every pretty woman who comes in your way, without being suspected of any but the most unselfish and honourable intentions. A man who despises matrimony, and who avows his determination never to marry, has also a carte blanche to the home of every young lady; for the parents know there is no danger that he will ever steal way their daughter permanently in marriage, his object being only a temporary courtship.

RULE THIRTY NINE.

There is an insipid tribe of triflers, called “danglers” with whom women are very fond of diverting themselves in mock flirtations, when they have nothing better to do. They regard them as a class of beings beneath their monkeys, parrots, and lap-dogs; but, possessing the form, and, in some degree, the attributes of a man, they use them for pastime, and to practise themselves in the pleasant art of flirting. It will cost you but little pains to become one of these useful and happy beings.

RULE FORTY.

If you have made up your mind to strike a woman quite dead in love with you, fix your eyes amorously upon hers, and gaze fixedly and burningly into them, as though you were mesmerizing her. If you perceive that it is with difficulty she keeps from laughing in your face, or, if she turns away her face in scorn, as though she felt insulted, you must, by no means, relax your gaze, for these are clear signs that you are having your effect upon her. And if she sends for her father, or brother, to kick you out of the house, you may know that it is because she dares not longer trust herself in your fascinating presence.

RULE FORTY ONE.

What is called attitudinizing is a great game to play upon an intelligent and sensible woman- that is, to throw your body into a series of graceful pictures, or fascinating attitudes, which you must study before a mirror; and, as a lady will readily detect your skill and practice, she will at once bite at so tempting a bait, and set herself to win your heart, as sincerely as a spider spins a fine web to catch a fly, for she knows that all such insects are easily caught, and easily bled.

RULE FORTY TWO.

If you perceive that a lady is decidedly averse to receiving you, and actually flies from your presence, you should perpetually throw yourself under her nose, on the same principle that a horse is made to smell of a wheel-barrow to keep him from taking right at such an ugly machine.

RULE FORTY THREE.

Or, if a lady begins to shoe evident signs of weariness at your frequent calls, by all means double your attentions-call oftener, and stay longer, until you make yourself a fixture in her presence, like a dummy in the door- way of a haberdasher. This will soon do the business for you, and leave no possible grounds to doubt as to your real position in her affections.

RULE FORTY FOUR.

If a lady condescends to treat you with a little familiar and as agreeable as possible, which you may do by some such trick as sticking you segar almost into her eyes, to light it, or taking her finger to brush the ashes from the end of it; and if she should ask you why you do not use your own finger, you can reply by making a double nose, and say “ no you don’t,” which will strike her with admiration both for your wit and familiar good breeding.

RULE FORTY FIVE.

Nothing makes a gentleman appear to so great advantage as to be good at “small talk,” that is, to be able to prattle away for hours without saying anything.

If you have not this fascinating gift of gab yourself, you will do well to take along some help as Harper’s monthly picture-book, so that you can amuse the lady by studying the jokes to find out where the laughs come in.

If you should be unable t find any, you can make a joke yourself, by pulling the lady’s nose, and exclaiming “not as you nose-on;” and then, by laughing as loud as you can scream, you will prove that your unaided wit and genius have found a joke.

RULE FORTY SIX.

It is a delightful and sprightly species of wit, called big talk, which accomplished gentlemen sometimes indulge in, to entertain ladies by descriptions of mock adventures, such as riding an earthquake to water, drinking out of the milky-way, cutting a piece off the Brocken for a night-cap, catching a comet by the tail, or hunting for a calf’s head in the cell of a moon beam.

If , after you have delivered yourself of this matchless piece of sense and humor, the lady gravely asks if you had any difficulty in finding a calf’s head, you may know that she fully appreciates your genius, and that you have made an immense hit.

RULE FORTY SEVEN.

I advise you to study to perform a few pleasing and charming tricks in every lady’s presence, such as snatching her pocket-handkerchief out of her lap and throwing it upon the floor, and violently stamping upon it; and when she asks, with terror, what are you doing, reply that you are killing a wiper.

Or you can open the door on a winter’s night, and then astonish and delight her by asking if there are any pickles in it? And when she asks what you mean, reply, “Nothing, only I see it is a-jar.” A few such tricks as these will convince a lady that you would be as amusing in a house as a monkey, and therefore would be a great prize as a husband.

RULE FORTY EIGHT.

If you intend to call on a lady in the evening, do not neglect to drink liquor several times, and several kinds of it, during the day, for this will give spirits to your conversation, while it will enable you to perfume her whole house with a fragrance which can be equalled only by a scent that has now become very rare, in consequences of the scarcity of the animal that produces it.

RULE FORTY NINE.

Giggle and laugh perpetually- make fun, even of serious things; for that will show that your heart is as light as your head, and that grief is as great a stranger to the one as sense to the other.

RULE FIFTY.

If you have not the natural sprightliness and playfulness to enable you, to take advantage of these rules, take the other take, and be as surly as possible- that is, if you cannot be a puppy and frisk and bark, be an old dog and growl.

I found the hints to gentlemen on the art of fascinating, very funny; I especially liked the chapters 40 and 48. I always imagined the women of that generation to be naïve but on the contrary, they knew exactly what they liked and disliked in there men. I also didn’t expect such humour in the form of sarcastic wit! (admin)

Here is an article about how the nineteenth century man wooed his woman, could we apply these tips for the modern man of today? I will leave it up to you to decide! (admin)

I expect to win the gratitude of the whole masculine gender by these rules of the art of fascinating.

It used to be supposed that this art belonged exclusively to my sex; but that was a vulgar error, which the sharp practice of the men has long since exploded. And it is now well established that gentlemen spend a great deal more time in inventing ways and means to entrap women and get them in love with them, than women do in trying to win hearts of gentlemen. Love making, indeed seems to be the “being’s end and aim” of man. He appears to think that he was born for no other purpose, and he devotes himself to the business with zeal and an enthusiasm highly honourable to his exalted genius, and to the immortal station he claims for himself of being the lord of reation.

To become a proficient in the art of fascinating, therefore, is not merely an accomplishment and a pastime but it is a duty which may not neglect without incurring the gravest censure of mankind. In entering upon the study of this great and important art, to start correctly, he must take it for granted that women are not only very poor judges of men, but that they absolutely prefer fops, fools, and triflers, to men of sense and character. If, however, the student has doubts on his subject he had better refer to certain learned authorities which will not fail to establish his mind in the right premises. Mackenzie says “women have a predilection for frivolous men.”

One of the most learned of the British Essayists says, “When we see a fellow loud and talkative, full of insipid life of laughter, we may venture to pronounce him a female favourite.” Mr Burke tells you that “the character which generally passes for agreeable with the women is made up of civility and falsehood.”

And if poets were of any authority in this high art, I might refer to Dryden, who sings-

“Our thoughtless sex is caught buy outward form

And empty noise-and loves itself in man.”

If these learned authorities fail to satisfy the mind of my pupils I shall beg to refer them to the works of Sir Walter Raleigh and Lord Chesterfield, who are very copious on this subject. But as they progress in the experimental part of the art, they will learn to rely less on authorities, and trust more to their own experience and skill.

Indeed I have seldom met with a man who did not consider himself, in this way, such a proficient in this sublime art that may be wasting time to dwell at all upon the subject of authorities.

RULE THE FIRST

Set it down, then, that the woman prefer triflers to men of sense, and when you wish to make one of the sex tremendously in love with you, you will of course make yourself as big a fool as possible, in order to ensure the most speedy and triumphant success. You will do this not only because women prefer such characters, but you will also consider that so little do the most sensible and fascinating women know of their own power, that, Nero-like, they will only stop to catch flies and gnats.

Your hope of complete success then, lies in your ability to be coxcomb, who has no earthly recommendation but his face, his coat, and his impudence. To acquire pleasing and fascinating manners you will do well to spend half of your tome between the curling irons and looking-glass, so as to become the paragon described by Mr. Tennyson.

“ Oiled and curled like an Assyrian bull,

Smelling of musk and insolence.”

RULE THE SECOND.

You will make an immense hit with the ladies by pretending to be no admirer of any particular woman, but a professed adorer and slave of the whole sex; a thing which can easily show by staring insultingly at every pretty woman you meet.

The man playing hard to get, does this sound familiar? Does this approach really get the woman? But then it is written with a fair amount of sarcasm. ( admin)

This will also be following the analogy of nature, as we know that fleas and other disgusting insects molest those who have the tenderest skins and fairest complexions, just as the human flesh-flies haunt the fairer part of creation. Then, as you are not a particular, but only a general lover, the ladies will regard it as a safe business to receive the fractional part of your heart which might belong to them, just as a popular notion prevails that homeopathic doses of medicine are harmless, to say the least.

RULE THREE.

You will do well to boast that you have no higher ambition in life than merely to render yourself agreeable to the ladies. This will at once impress them with profound respect for the magnitude of your ambition, and the majesty of your genius. Every woman will be crazy to marry a man of such splendid prospects; and the whole sex will be most happy to avail themselves of the services of so aimable and useful a gentleman.

But let me caution you not to give the slightest heed to those cast-iron, sneering kind of men who out of jealousy, will say that you were framed by nature to be a woman’s fool, and who will further seek to annoy you by saying that those ladies change their lackey-lovers as often as they do their bonnets, because they soon get tired of them.

RULE FOUR.

If you can affect effeminacy and a lisping softness in your speech it will go a great way towards winning confidence and esteem of a sensible and lovely woman.

Let your conversation never rise out of the level of balls, parties, fashions and the opera. The opera will not only a pleasing but an appropriate theme for you, as it will associate you, in the lady’s mind, with the charming subject of music, reminding her that quavers and unmeaning words are always softer than its more manly parts.

RULE FIVE.

By all means wear jewellery; if you have it not your own, borrow it, or get it in some other way, for you must be sure that you go not into the presence of a woman, whose good opinion is worth having, without loaded with jewellery. An immense breast-pin, either of diamonds or paste, with two rings on each hand and a heavy fob chain, twelve inches long will be sufficient to prove that you are a man of substantial good sense, and that you are the possessor of a heart which is worthy of the confidence and admiration of any woman.

RULE SIX.

Remember that faint heart never won fair lady yet, and that, therefore, you must push your suit with the determination and vehemence of an army of soldiers storming a fort. Women like men of courage, therefore you should entertain the lady you would win with a narration of the number of men you knocked down, at balls and bar-rooms, who had the temerity to cross your path. Be sure that you always make yourself the hero of some scrape, for, notwithstanding the ladies will readily know that you are telling lies all the time, yet you show that you have a taste for fighting, and that you really possess all the attributes of a hero but the more brutal part of it,-courage.

RULE SEVEN.

Remember that we do not like men for the merit we may discover in them, so much as for that they can find in us; therefore be sure that no out-fawns you in the attentions paid to the woman of your choice. Let your compliments be so marked a character that there can be no mistaking them. For instance, you may ask her if she is always particular to shut her eyes on retiring to bed? She will ask why? And you will answer, because if you do not, I fear that the brightness of your eyes will burn holes in the blanket, or set the house a fire! This kind of compliment is of the most delicate nature, and will be certain to impress the lady, especially if she is a person of sense, with the sincerity and purity of your intentions.

RULE EIGHT.

You cannot be too attentive to your dress. You should never approach a lady except when dressed so as to look precisely as though a tailor had made you not more than fifteen minutes before. Be careful that your figure is consulted in the color and fit of your garments. If you are tall and lank, wear nothing but black, that you may “appear like a stick of black sealing-wax,” which will impress the ladies with the idea of the adhesive quality of your nature. If you are short and dumpy, and “better made for rolling than for running,” you will look particularly handsome in light or grey clothes, which will greatly enhance your fine rotundity. If your legs are small and crooked, do not fail to have your pants cut to fit a little tighter than your skin, as this will show to great advantage the delicacy of your proportion, while at the same time, it will familiarize a lady’s eye to the sight of those disgusting spiders, which, otherwise, might cause great mischief by sudden frights. If you are wise, you will not fail to impress upon a lady’s mind the idea that you are a great deal more particular about your clothes than your mind, for your mind, being always out of sight, can never offend her taste, whereas your clothes are constantly before her eyes.

RULE NINE.

On being introduced to a lady you will immediately inform her that you consider that the proper study of mankind is woman, and that Pope was therefore wrong when he asserted it to be man. You will proceed to say that you have made the sex your study so long that you find it impossible to withdraw your constant inspection of everything a lady says and does. This she will receive as a great compliment paid to her sex, while it will be particularly pleasing to her knowing that she has such a competent and vigilant spy upon all her actions.

RULE TEN.

If you are invited to dine, go at least an hour or a half before the time, for then the lady will be sure never to forget you, as the attentive and polite gentleman who allowed her neither time to dress, nor to superintend her dinner. Or, if it is not convenient to go so long beforehand, you had best not go till twenty minutes, or half an hour after the time, and so keep the dinner waiting, for this will get the lady in the habit thinking of you when you are absent, which is agreat point gained in the progress of love.

But under no circumstances must you arrive at the place about five or ten minutes before the dinner hour, for should you do so, the lady will be reminded of the vulgar showman, who cries-“be in time, be in time-just going to begin- be in time.”

RULE ELEVEN.

Much depends on your conduct at the table; for ladies are very observant of all such little affairs. To give one a good idea of your gentility, take your napkin and tie it round your neck as a “bib,” turn up your coat sleeves, and fall to, without paying any attention to the lady who sits next to you, for ladies like not to be disturbed at meals.

To show that you relish your food, let your mastication be quite audible, and when you drink to a lady, say “here’s luck,” smack your lips, and cry “ha!” Nothing gives a lady a more exalted idea of a man than to see that he is fond of good eating and drinking.

RULE TWELVE.

When you call upon a lady be sure that you say something smart, and make some local hit applicable to herself. For instance, if you perceive that she has a cough, you can say that you are sorry to hear that, as you fear it may lead to a coffin. Some such sublime joke as this will be sure to obtain you a favourable degree, by relating the number of your female friends who have died of consumption within a year, and you can wind up by quoting the following words of Moore:

“I never had a dear gazelle

To glad me its mild blue eye,

But when it came to know me well

And love me, it was sure to die.”

This will make her particularly anxious to be considered one of your “female friends.”

RULE THIRTEEN.

If you invite a lady to go to the theatre, neglect not to leave her, and go out to drink with your male friends between each act, as this will show her that you have confidence that she can protect herself; and if you can fall asleep during the play, it will be a great thing for you, as it will show that you are too much interested in her to take interest in the play; and, besides, she has the sweet imagining that you are dreaming of her. Nothing so fascinates a woman as to know that a gentleman dreams about her. Hence you will do well to always pretend that you dreamed of her, whether you did or not.

No matter if she understands your falsehood, as she will be quite sure to do, for still she cannot help being flattered that you think so much of her that you will tell her falsehoods to please her.

RULE FOURTEEN.

It will be greatly to your advantage to entertain the lady you would win with an account of the number of women who are in love with you, and of the decided advances which they have made to you; for this will not only prove that you are a great favourite with the ladies, and a man of true honor, but it will convince her that she may have the honor of being enrolled in the same list, and of being praised in the same way, in the presence of your other female friends. This will greatly delight her, and you need not be surprised if she testifies her admiration of your character by throwing her arms around your neck on the spot. And if afterwards you should hear of her having said that you ought to be hanged, you will, of course understand that she wants to use her own lovely arms for the halter.

RULE FIFTEEN.

One of the most direct and sure ways to fascinate a lady, is to excite in her heart a spirit of rivalry, through jealousy. A common way of doing this is to get the daguerreotypes of your father’s cook and chambermaid.

And take them to your lady-love, and tell her that they are the likenesses of two very rich and highly respectable ladies who have for a long time persecuted you with their affections, and at last have had the indelicacy to send you their pictures, without any solicitation on your part whatever.

This story will be readily believed, as everybody knows that rich and respectable ladies are in the habit of doing such things, and it will certainly convince any lady that you are a prize worth having, especially as she foresees that she would have the pleasure of having her home filled with a cabinet of strange women’s faces, which she could exhibit as the proud savage does the scalps her husband has taken from the heads of his enemies.

RULE SIXTEEN.

If a lady you admire happens to make the acquaintance of some gentleman of superior attainments and position to yourself, make yourself as boorish to him as possible, whenever you meet him in her company, for this will be sure to increase her admiration of you, and cause her to despise him. And then, the moment he leaves, you will be able to demolish him entirely by assailing his character- making him out a rascal, a roué and a libertine, of the very blackest dye; and fail not to believe that the blacker you paint him, the whiter you will look yourself. This course cannot fail to bring her to her senses, and convince her what a fool she has made of herself by taking such a ruffian and scoundrel for a gentleman.

And then she will admire you beyond description as the discoverer of his villainy, especially as she will clearly perceive the motives you had for the exercise of such an extraordinary sagacity. By this course you will open to her mind a vein of certain commendable traits of character possessed in an eminent degree by yourself, and to which she might otherwise have forever remained a stranger.

RULE SEVENTEEN.

If you have not learning, by all means pretend to have it, for this will give a lady, and all of her friends, an opportunity of laughing at you, which will make you a most agreeable and amusing fellow in her estimation. But if, on the other hand, you really possess some little learning, do not fail to show it off on all occasions. If a lady does not know a word of French, you will, of course, intersperse your conversation plentifully with the words from that language. You may ask her if she has ever read

“Les Egarements du Coeur?” She will stare at you to see if you are mad, and you will have the pleasure of relieving her alarm by telling her it is the name of a French book, the English of which is “The wandering of the heart,” and which you believe has never been translated into our language. She will think you really a charming man for having relieved the distressing anxiety which you had created. Now you can not only talk in English on the delightful subject of hearts, but, having given her a taste of French, you can proceed to give her a useful and pleasing lesson in that language. You may tell her that you learned it very easily; that the words are very simple, and you can prove yourself by informing her that the French word for fool is folle, and for ass is dne, that the masculine article a, is un, and that et means and, that therefore

un folle et un dne means a fool and an ass.

If there is no one to correct your bad French you will get credit for being a great scholar, while the beauty and propriety of your first lesson in French, and she will be sure never to forget you as long as she remembers it.

RULE EIGHTEEN.

It will be a masterly stroke of policy for you to pretend to be an atheist, and to scoff at every idea of religion; for, if you have no respect for your maker, nor for anything that mankind holds sacred, it will satisfy any intelligent and reflecting lady that you will have all the more respect and love bestow upon her.

RULE NINETEEN.

You ought to know that there are four things which always possess more or less interest to a lady- a parrot, a peacock, a monkey, and a man; and the nearer you can come to uniting all these about equally in your own character, the more will you be loved. This is also a cheap and excellent recipe for making a dandy- a creature which is always an object of admiration and esteem to the ladies.

This has left me feeling quite confused, why would you want the love of your life to posses the qualities of a monkey, parrot and peacock? Not the most endearing contributes.(admin)

RULE TWENTY.

As heels are of more importance to men than heads, you will of course, spend all of your earlier days in learning to dance, and when you are perfected in the art, you cannot do better than spend the rest of your time in dancing. Fail not to convince a lady that your real existence is in the ball-room, and during all the intervening time your godlike faculties are simply taking their natural sleep. You must not dance as a mere pastime and as an occasional amusement, but you must devote yourself to it as a business and a religion.

For which you wish to live or dare to die.

Dance with all the might of your body, and all the fire of your soul, in order that you may shake all melancholy out of your liver; and need not restrain yourself with the apprehension that any lady will have the least fear that the violence of your movements will ever shake anything out of your brains.

RULE TWENTY ONE.

Nothing so readily fascinates a lady as wit; but as this a very rare thing, and only one in ten thousand really possess it, the best you can do is effect it-that is, you can try to be witty, and even if you should fail, the lady’s laughter will testify how much she is delighted at your effort. Puns are always delightful, and you must not forget that those only are good which are decidedly bad, a fact which is all in your favour. Should you hear a lady tell her servant to bring up the dinner, a delicate piece of wit would be to affect great astonishment, and exclaim, “Bring up the dinner! Pray tell me, madam, has your servant swallowed the dinner?” Or you can make a misstep, and bump your head against hers, if you dare risk your own in such a collision and say, “ Beg pardon, but you know two heads are better than one;” and even if you should happen to break a shell side-comb, and give her a headache for a day, she will forgive it because of the manliness and delicacy of your wit. Or you might contrive to kick her leg with the toe of your boot, until she cries out with pain, which will give you a chance to defend yourself by declaring that she has “no right to complain, as it was perfectly leg-al.”

Only treat a lady with such refined and charming wit as this, and she will sure to betray the tenderest regard for you, by affectionately wishing you were in “Abraham’s bosom.

RULE TWENTY TWO.

Should you invite a lady out for supper, you must, by all means, order three times as much of expensive dishes as it will be possible for you to eat, as this will show her that you have a generous disregard of money, and would just as soon waste it, as spend it economically, which will convince her that your wife will never want for money, i.e. if you have any yourself.

If it is not convenient to be expensive, take the other extreme, and be as mean as possible. Condemn all dishes, that cost over fifteen cents, as being out of season or as unhealthy; and all wines you are to denounce as vile drugs, which you will neither drink yourself nor offer to those whom you respect.

Then order ale for two, which, as she will probably not drink of it, you will have all to yourself; and, as you put the glass to your lips blow off the froth, or head, and say “here’s you”- a compliment she cannot fail to appreciate and admire.

RULE TWENTY THREE.

Whenever you call on a lady, speak of having “just come from the club,” and dwell with pride upon the time you spend there, because all ladies have great faith in the happy influence of such places as “club” upon a young man, in not only teaching him the polite accomplishment of chewing and drinking, and a great many coarser habits, but they get him into the pleasant way of late hours, and of spending all his leisure time away from home. There is no sensible lady who will not jump at the chance of marrying one of these club-men, for she knows that she will be relieved of his company nearly all the time, and that she will, furthermore, have the great pleasure of sitting up to welcome him home at the poetical hour of midnight. What a charming prospect for domestic happiness!

RULE TWENTY FOUR.

You must do everything in your power to convince a lady that you are, in a modest way, a great admirer of beauty; an excellent way to prove which is, to be always seen on rainy days, when the streets are muddy, standing at the corners, where most ladies pass, staring at the embarrassment of pedestrian beauty, picking its blushing way through the mud. This is a compliment to the ladies, and a proof of your modest and elated admiration of the beautiful, which every respectable woman will duly appreciate. And, by simply reflecting upon the gratitude with which you would see the same delicate attentions paid to your own wife or daughter, you can fully realize the fascinating excellence of your character.

RULE TWENTY FIVE.

Of course you will never allow yourself to sit five minutes by the side of a lady without paying her some respectful and delicate attention, such as taking her handkerchief, and spreading it out on your lap, or leaning affectionately upon her, or throwing your arm over the back of her chair, which will look to spectators as though it were round her neck; or, if she wears a low necked dress, you can stand bending over her chair, looking down and praising the ring upon her finger, or the delicate whiteness of her hand. This will convince a lady that you have not only an inquiring mind, but you also possess the natural instinct of a well-bred and warm- hearted gentleman.

RULE TWENTY SIX.

What is called gassing is a great card for a gentleman to play, especially with an accomplished and discriminating lady. Whenever he meets her, he must pretend that he has just come from a long and interesting conversation with Colonel this- one, and General that-one, or just dined with Honourable Mister, or Governor So-and-so, and then speak of the great difficulty he had in tearing himself away from them. This will show her that he is conscious of possessing no merit of his own, to recommend him to her favour; which she will take as a pleasant and convincing proof of his modesty and humility, and which she will also charitably pass to his credit, against the lies which she well knows he is telling her.

RULE TWENTY SEVEN.

Always make yourself comfortable in the presence of a lady; which you may do, by sitting on the outer edge of your chair, and allowing your shoulders and body to fall backwards, while your legs are projecting forward into the middle of the room, and thrown apart like the divergent prongs of an immense pitch-fork. This is an elegant and tempting position. Then, in cold weather, you can sit down in her presence in your full winter rig, of over-coat, over-shoes, thick gloves and fur- cap, which will give you an air of great comfort, while at the same time, be regarded as a sign of the most delicate respect for her presence.

Or, you can accomplish the same desirable end, if the weather is hot, by going into her presence minus your suspenders and vest, with nothing on but your shirt, pantaloons, stockings and pumps. She will be sure to appreciate this delicate compliment to her presence, while she cannot fail to be struck with the justice and propriety of puppies’ achieving all the comforts they possibly can during dog-days.

RULE TWENTY EIGHT.

As vanity is considered one of the female virtues, you cannot do a better thing than to evince as much as much of it as possible. A convenient way to do this is to never forget yourself in the presence of a lady; that is, be more particular to render the occasion agreeable to yourself than you are to make it one of entire happiness to her; for this will show her that you think too much of yourself to descend to the small business of entertaining a woman.

Talk, therefore, only of your own affairs. Be constantly adjusting your shirt-collar, or arranging your cravat, which will not only show that you are ambitious to look as handsome as possible, but it will be an employment for your hands, which might prove, in some way, an annoyance to her.

RULE TWENTY NINE.

There is no way in which you can be more serviceable and render yourself more agreeable to a lady than to bring her all the bad news you hear, especially if it relates to herself. All the disparaging things you hear said of her, you will, of course take to her directly; which will cause her to always hail your coming with joy, while it proves, beyond a doubt, that you have been well-bred, and are a high-toned gentleman.

RULE THIRTY.

If you suspect a lady to possess a considerable amount of strong good sense, and if you know her to have had some experience in the world, you may believe that you can easily win her confidence and respect, by assuming an extraordinary amount of piety, virtue, and respectability; which she well knows to be an old trick of nearly all young scrape-graces, who have nothing but pretension in the great claims they make to morality. Therefore be easily shocked- be in constant alarm lest you should compromise yourself-put on pious airs; and the lady will give you credit for obeying the sublime injunction of the poet, who says:

“Assume a virtue- if you have not.”

RULE THIRTY ONE.

Always have some joke ready which is intended to be a hit at woman. For instance if you see a lady eating a piece of tongue, you can remark that you are surprised to see her doing that, as you thought the ladies had already tongue enough.

Some such originals joke as this will impress a lady greatly in your favour, by convincing her that you are one of those commonplace, insipid creatures, whose intellect is down to the low level of woman’s, and that you will not, therefore, be likely ever to startle and annoy her, by propositions or conversations beyond the reach of her comprehension.

RULE THIRTY TWO.

You will do well to follow the example of a great many gentlemen, and practise killing ways before the looking-glass, which will be quite sure to give you a style as charming and fascinating as the manners of a monkey, while it will flatter the vanity of any sensible woman to see what pains you take to render yourself so honourably agreeable to her sex.

RULE THIRTY THREE.

Always talk a little doubtingly of female virtue, for that will show that you are virtuous yourself, and that you associate chiefly with a class of woman who cannot fail to be of great advantage to you in giving you proper, and sufficiently cautionary, ideas of the character of the sex.

RULE THIRTY FOUR.

Pretend that you are perfectly invulnerable to all the charms of woman, which will convince her that you are the most vulnerable and susceptible creature alive, and that you are always making love to every pretty woman you see, married or single.

This will show that your heart is as tender as though it was rotten, and that you would, therefore, make a most excellent and desirable husband.

RULE THIRTY FIVE.

Also, talk perpetually of your great caution as to what woman you associate with.

The louder your professions in this matter, the more you convince a sensible lady that you would make love even to your washer-woman, without regard to color, and that your wife, therefore, may reasonably expect to be relieved of a great deal of the persecution of a husband’s affections.

RULE THIRTY SIX.

Always complain that your lady acquaintances are too numerous, and absorb too much of your time, which will convince a discerning woman that you have not a single respectable female acquaintance except herself, and that she, therefore, has you all to herself, including all your pretensions and lies.

RULE THIRTY SEVEN.

If there is a beautiful married lady in your neighbourhood, you will, of course, try to flirt with her; and, as a preparatory step, you will cultivate the confidence and friendship of her husband, which is a most direct road to the affections of the wife;

For it will thoroughly apprise her of her designs, and then nothing will delight her more than to witness your efforts to impose upon her husband.

If she is worth flirting with, your success will be certain, and you will have the pleasure of being laughed at those adroit rascals who always avoid the friendship and even the acquaintance of a man, with whose wife they desire to flirt.

RULE THIRTY EIGHT.

It is a masterly stroke of policy of some young man to be always railing at matrimony- an example I advise you, by all means, to copy, for it will give you an opportunity of courting every pretty woman who comes in your way, without being suspected of any but the most unselfish and honourable intentions. A man who despises matrimony, and who avows his determination never to marry, has also a carte blanche to the home of every young lady; for the parents know there is no danger that he will ever steal way their daughter permanently in marriage, his object being only a temporary courtship.

RULE THIRTY NINE.

There is an insipid tribe of triflers, called “danglers” with whom women are very fond of diverting themselves in mock flirtations, when they have nothing better to do. They regard them as a class of beings beneath their monkeys, parrots, and lap-dogs; but, possessing the form, and, in some degree, the attributes of a man, they use them for pastime, and to practise themselves in the pleasant art of flirting. It will cost you but little pains to become one of these useful and happy beings.

RULE FORTY.

If you have made up your mind to strike a woman quite dead in love with you, fix your eyes amorously upon hers, and gaze fixedly and burningly into them, as though you were mesmerizing her. If you perceive that it is with difficulty she keeps from laughing in your face, or, if she turns away her face in scorn, as though she felt insulted, you must, by no means, relax your gaze, for these are clear signs that you are having your effect upon her. And if she sends for her father, or brother, to kick you out of the house, you may know that it is because she dares not longer trust herself in your fascinating presence.

RULE FORTY ONE.

What is called attitudinizing is a great game to play upon an intelligent and sensible woman- that is, to throw your body into a series of graceful pictures, or fascinating attitudes, which you must study before a mirror; and, as a lady will readily detect your skill and practice, she will at once bite at so tempting a bait, and set herself to win your heart, as sincerely as a spider spins a fine web to catch a fly, for she knows that all such insects are easily caught, and easily bled.

RULE FORTY TWO.

If you perceive that a lady is decidedly averse to receiving you, and actually flies from your presence, you should perpetually throw yourself under her nose, on the same principle that a horse is made to smell of a wheel-barrow to keep him from taking right at such an ugly machine.

RULE FORTY THREE.

Or, if a lady begins to shoe evident signs of weariness at your frequent calls, by all means double your attentions-call oftener, and stay longer, until you make yourself a fixture in her presence, like a dummy in the door- way of a haberdasher. This will soon do the business for you, and leave no possible grounds to doubt as to your real position in her affections.

RULE FORTY FOUR.

If a lady condescends to treat you with a little familiar and as agreeable as possible, which you may do by some such trick as sticking you segar almost into her eyes, to light it, or taking her finger to brush the ashes from the end of it; and if she should ask you why you do not use your own finger, you can reply by making a double nose, and say “ no you don’t,” which will strike her with admiration both for your wit and familiar good breeding.

RULE FORTY FIVE.

Nothing makes a gentleman appear to so great advantage as to be good at “small talk,” that is, to be able to prattle away for hours without saying anything.

If you have not this fascinating gift of gab yourself, you will do well to take along some help as Harper’s monthly picture-book, so that you can amuse the lady by studying the jokes to find out where the laughs come in.

If you should be unable t find any, you can make a joke yourself, by pulling the lady’s nose, and exclaiming “not as you nose-on;” and then, by laughing as loud as you can scream, you will prove that your unaided wit and genius have found a joke.

RULE FORTY SIX.

It is a delightful and sprightly species of wit, called big talk, which accomplished gentlemen sometimes indulge in, to entertain ladies by descriptions of mock adventures, such as riding an earthquake to water, drinking out of the milky-way, cutting a piece off the Brocken for a night-cap, catching a comet by the tail, or hunting for a calf’s head in the cell of a moon beam.

If , after you have delivered yourself of this matchless piece of sense and humor, the lady gravely asks if you had any difficulty in finding a calf’s head, you may know that she fully appreciates your genius, and that you have made an immense hit.

RULE FORTY SEVEN.

I advise you to study to perform a few pleasing and charming tricks in every lady’s presence, such as snatching her pocket-handkerchief out of her lap and throwing it upon the floor, and violently stamping upon it; and when she asks, with terror, what are you doing, reply that you are killing a wiper.

Or you can open the door on a winter’s night, and then astonish and delight her by asking if there are any pickles in it? And when she asks what you mean, reply, “Nothing, only I see it is a-jar.” A few such tricks as these will convince a lady that you would be as amusing in a house as a monkey, and therefore would be a great prize as a husband.

RULE FORTY EIGHT.

If you intend to call on a lady in the evening, do not neglect to drink liquor several times, and several kinds of it, during the day, for this will give spirits to your conversation, while it will enable you to perfume her whole house with a fragrance which can be equalled only by a scent that has now become very rare, in consequences of the scarcity of the animal that produces it.

RULE FORTY NINE.

Giggle and laugh perpetually- make fun, even of serious things; for that will show that your heart is as light as your head, and that grief is as great a stranger to the one as sense to the other.

RULE FIFTY.

If you have not the natural sprightliness and playfulness to enable you, to take advantage of these rules, take the other take, and be as surly as possible- that is, if you cannot be a puppy and frisk and bark, be an old dog and growl.

I found the hints to gentlemen on the art of fascinating, very funny; I especially liked rules 40 and 48. I always imagined the women of that generation to be naive but on the contrary, they knew exactly what they liked and disliked in there men. I also didn’t expect such humour in the form of sarcastic wit! (admin)

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