The president responded to rumors Secretary of State Tillerson called him a moron by insisting that if they matched wits, he would prove to have the higher IQ. Since a rap battle was out of the question, the geniuses at Mensa offered to settle the claim by testing the two at their convenience. But what if the @POTUS had an inside track and switched their questions for some that he was sure to ace?

IQ Test To Determine Who The Moron Really Is:

Physics

1. If you hit the ball down the fairway at Mar-a-Lago, and it is traveling at an angle of 40 degrees and the wind is coming out of the East at 10 mph, what is the name of the golf pro?

Economics

2. If Jedediah has three tiki torches and Enoch has four swastikas, and they each give the other half of twice as many as what they have, who is the finer person?

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3.We have so many cows, why is steak so expensive?

International Problem Solving

4. A hurricane hits an island thousands of miles away. You are separated by a very, very big ocean, and airplanes and ships have not yet been invented. Using this plain piece of paper and this TV Guide, indicate the maximum number of NFL games you could watch and criticize before offering to send assistance.

5. You are the president. How did this happen? Use both sides of the page to explain.

Mathematics

6.Your secretary of the Treasury, secretary of the Interior, and EPA chief need to get from Washington to New York for “official,” “nonpartisan” — wink-wink — “business.’’ They have exactly six hours to complete the journey. Who gets the stamp on his NetJets frequent flier card?

7. Put the following in numerical order, lowest to highest: POTUS golf handicap. The number of dollars POTUS has donated to charities this year. The number of books POTUS has read this year. The number of seconds it will take POTUS to fire you if you call him a moron again. Or is it a trick question and they are all the same?

Reasoning

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8. For Halloween, you have three bowls of candy. The first has plain candy-coated chocolates. The second has two times as many chocolate-coated peanuts. The third, half of three times as many crispy chocolates as the first two. Which will go farther when you fling these bowls of M&Ms across the room?

9. You invite a sports team to the White House — OK, the Pittsburgh Penguins. But then they aren’t actual penguins. Explain how this could be, because someone could find this very disappointing.

All Around Smarts

10. Why do you think Harvey Weinstein is so obsessed with bathrobes and Mila Kunis?

11. Puerto Rico was so much hotter than you thought, wasn’t it? Explain.

12. If, four years ago, Don was half as likely as Hillary to run for president, four days from now, who will be the secretary of state?

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Michael A. Cohen takes on the absurdities and hypocrisies of the current political moment.