tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-443230786002833222014-10-04T22:05:22.687-07:00DGN JokesA Place to come and Have a hearty Laugh!tushar batrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08856768732251712946noreply@blogger.comBlogger29125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44323078600283322.post-70830313363655888112009-08-06T06:24:00.000-07:002009-08-06T06:32:43.403-07:00For Better or WorseDarling," said the swooning man to his new bride. "Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my small income?"<br /> <br /> "Of course, dearest, no trouble," she said. "But what will you live on?"tushar batrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08856768732251712946noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44323078600283322.post-17142696733679140972009-08-06T06:23:00.000-07:002009-08-06T06:24:50.907-07:00FriendsOne Spring afternoon, I came home to find two little girls on the steps of my building. Both were crying hard, shedding big tears.<br /> <br /> Thinking they might be hurt, I dropped my briefcase and quickly went over to them. "Are you all right?" I asked.<br /> <br /> Still sobbing, one held up her doll. "My baby's arm came off," she said.<br /> <br /> I took the doll and its disjointed arm. After a little effort and luck, the doll was again whole.<br /> <br /> "Thank you." came a whisper.<br /> <br /> Next looking into the tearful eyes of her friend, I asked, "and what's the matter with you, young lady?"<br /> <br /> She wiped her cheeks. "I was helping her cry," she said.tushar batrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08856768732251712946noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44323078600283322.post-65540636792146016432009-08-06T06:13:00.000-07:002009-08-06T06:23:14.974-07:00Put Something In ItA little girl went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, "Mommy, my stomach hurts." Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!"<br /> <br /> Later that day when the Evangelist and her husband were over for dinner. The Evangelist began to feel bad. Holding her head she said, "I have such a terrible headache!"<br /> <br /> The little girl looked up at her giving her the sweetest smile that any little child could give. Then she said, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!"tushar batrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08856768732251712946noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44323078600283322.post-57609446329619598582009-08-02T08:20:00.001-07:002009-08-02T08:20:38.877-07:00Knock Knock Jokes 2Knock Knock<br />Who's there?<br />Abbott!<br />Abbott who?<br />Abbott time you answered the door!<br /><br />Knock Knock<br />Who's there?<br />Ahmed!<br />Ahmed who?<br />Ahmedeus Motzart!<br /><br />Knock Knock<br />Who's there?<br />Alaska!<br />Alaska who?<br />Alaska my friend the question then!<br /><br />Knock Knock<br />Who's there?<br />Alfred!<br />Alfred who!<br />Alfred of the dark!<br /><br />Knock Knock<br />Who's there?<br />Alma!<br />Alma who?<br />Alma not going to tell you!tushar batrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08856768732251712946noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44323078600283322.post-34526165266227267872009-08-02T08:19:00.000-07:002009-08-02T08:20:06.720-07:00Knock Knock Jokes 1Knock Knock<br />Who's there?<br />Anna!<br />Anna who?<br />Anna one, anna two...!<br /><br />Knock Knock<br />Who's there?<br />Anna!<br />Anna who?<br />Anna going to tell you!<br /><br />Knock Knock<br />Who's there?<br />Anne Boleyn!<br />Anne Boleyn who?<br />Anne Boleyn alley!<br /><br />Knock Knock<br />Who's there?<br />Amin!<br />Amin who?<br />Amin thing to do!<br /><br />Knock Knock<br />Who's there?<br />Ammonia!<br />Ammonia who?<br />Ammonia little kid!tushar batrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08856768732251712946noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44323078600283322.post-13461588872445665352009-08-02T08:18:00.002-07:002009-08-02T08:19:17.000-07:00Things Only Women Understand10. Cats' facial expressions<br /><br />9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors<br /><br />8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds<br /><br />7. Fat clothes<br /><br />6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time<br /><br />5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell<br /><br />4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow<br /><br />3. Eyelash curlers<br /><br />2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made<br /><br />And the number One thing only women understand:<br /><br />1. OTHER WOMENtushar batrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08856768732251712946noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44323078600283322.post-40290798138871383882009-08-02T08:18:00.001-07:002009-08-02T08:18:50.999-07:00Men Should ListenA man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"<br /><br />The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!!"<br /><br />They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.tushar batrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08856768732251712946noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44323078600283322.post-12841135648808948942009-08-02T08:17:00.002-07:002009-08-02T08:18:18.943-07:00Marriage Quotes By MenI married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.<br /><br />It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.<br /><br />Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.<br /><br />A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out..'<br /><br /><br />Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.<br /><br />How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.<br /><br />A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'<br /><br />Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!<br /><br />I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.<br /><br />If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?<br /><br />A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.tushar batrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08856768732251712946noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44323078600283322.post-68067077057256611472009-08-02T08:17:00.001-07:002009-08-02T08:17:44.317-07:00Two CannibalsTwo cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.<br /><br />Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."<br /><br />Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."<br /><br />About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.<br /><br />The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."<br /><br />"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."<br /><br />"Why not?" asked the son.<br /><br />"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."tushar batrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08856768732251712946noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44323078600283322.post-21721497309338753502009-08-02T08:16:00.000-07:002009-08-02T08:17:15.352-07:00NeedsHusband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.<br /><br />But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."<br /><br />The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.<br /><br />The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.<br /><br />So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.<br /><br />And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.<br /><br />The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'<br /><br />The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "<br /><br />The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.<br /><br />" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."<br /><br />Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"tushar batrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08856768732251712946noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44323078600283322.post-34497528528437705682009-08-02T08:15:00.002-07:002009-08-02T08:16:05.904-07:00Great WriterThere was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.<br /><br />When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"<br /><br />He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.tushar batrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08856768732251712946noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44323078600283322.post-69081074836671188632009-08-02T08:15:00.001-07:002009-08-02T08:15:38.776-07:00GM Like Computer IndustryAt a recent COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated that:<br /><br />"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got1,000 miles to the gallon."<br /><br />General Motors has issued a press release stating:<br /><br />1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.<br /><br />2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.<br /><br />3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you<br />would just accept this, restart and drive on.<br /><br />4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.<br /><br />5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car XP" or "Car 2000". But then you would have to buy more seats.<br /><br />6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would only work on 5% of the roads.<br /><br />7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning light would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.<br /><br />8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.<br /><br />9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.<br /><br />10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.<br /><br />11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the justice dept.<br /><br />12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn to<br />drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.<br /><br />13. You would press the "start " button to shut off the engine.tushar batrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08856768732251712946noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44323078600283322.post-33506187738169757462009-08-02T08:14:00.000-07:002009-08-02T08:15:08.380-07:00You've been programming too long whenWhen you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".<br /><br />When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.<br /><br />When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.<br /><br />When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.<br /><br />When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"<br /><br />When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.<br /><br />When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.<br /><br />When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.<br /><br />When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.<br /><br />When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.tushar batrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08856768732251712946noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44323078600283322.post-47722878325894252712009-08-02T08:12:00.000-07:002009-08-02T08:14:27.282-07:00Is Windows a VirusNo, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:<br /><br />1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.<br /><br />2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.<br /><br />3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.<br /><br />4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.<br /><br />5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.<br /><br />Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.<br /><br />So Windows is not a virus.<br /><br />It's a bug.tushar batrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08856768732251712946noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44323078600283322.post-19000273447828612112009-08-02T08:11:00.002-07:002009-08-02T08:12:50.541-07:00The Hunting DogChester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting."<br /><br />So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there."<br /><br />Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!"<br /><br />Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too."<br /><br />So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg.<br /><br />Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"<br /><br />The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.<br /><br />The breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!"tushar batrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08856768732251712946noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44323078600283322.post-82138734568965138722009-08-02T08:11:00.001-07:002009-08-02T08:11:39.072-07:00Living with the Wolf ManThe Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks.<br /><br />"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.<br /><br />"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.<br /><br />"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?"<br /><br />At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.<br /><br />Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."tushar batrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08856768732251712946noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44323078600283322.post-52806207770522545762009-08-02T08:10:00.000-07:002009-08-02T08:11:02.041-07:00Monkey OrganizationAn organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.<br /><br />Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.<br /><br />The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.<br /><br />The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.tushar batrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08856768732251712946noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44323078600283322.post-31371714600248889292009-08-02T08:09:00.002-07:002009-08-02T08:10:29.994-07:00Wittle WabbitA little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"<br /><br />And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"<br /><br />The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."tushar batrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08856768732251712946noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44323078600283322.post-65246407977721849042009-08-02T08:09:00.001-07:002009-08-02T08:09:56.206-07:00The Other SideOnce upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River, to be exact. On one side of the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear.<br /><br />One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfest of berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit.<br /><br />"Hey! Hey, Teddy, get your butt over here. I've got something to show you!"<br /><br />"Not now! I'm eating."<br /><br />"Oh come on!" said the rabbit. "It's really important."<br /><br />"No way."<br /><br />"Please. It's urgent."<br /><br />So the bear decided to go all the way over the wide river. It took him all day and all night to get over to the other side. He nearly drowned. And when he finally got there he was groaning and panting, and wheezing for air.<br /><br />"Well, rabbit," he panted. "What did you want to tell me?"<br /><br />"Hey, Teddy," the rabbit began, "look how many berries are on the other side of the river."tushar batrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08856768732251712946noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44323078600283322.post-44159030203229658322009-08-02T08:07:00.000-07:002009-08-02T08:09:15.754-07:00Lion TamerTwo unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."<br /><br />The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."<br /><br />"Yes I do!"<br /><br />"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"<br /><br />"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down."<br /><br />"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"<br /><br />"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down."<br /><br />"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"<br /><br />"Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him."<br /><br />"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"<br /><br />"Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of<br />the cage."<br /><br />"Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"<br /><br />"Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."tushar batrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08856768732251712946noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44323078600283322.post-21107693859284093962009-08-02T08:06:00.000-07:002009-08-02T08:07:25.339-07:00Vampire batA vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.<br /><br />Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.<br /><br />He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.<br /><br />"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.<br /><br />Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.<br /><br />Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.<br /><br />"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.<br /><br />"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.<br /><br />"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"tushar batrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08856768732251712946noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44323078600283322.post-86592450562392371322009-07-30T12:01:00.000-07:002009-07-30T12:05:09.637-07:00Hand Surgery!A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands. "Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. "Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?"<br /><br />"I don’t see why not," replies the doctor.<br /><br />"That’s funny," says the man. "I wasn’t able to play it before."tushar batrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08856768732251712946noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44323078600283322.post-53014156742899066442009-07-30T11:57:00.000-07:002009-07-30T12:01:53.510-07:00Grandma's Dating AdviceThere was a young virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.<br />Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."<br />She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.<br />Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."<br />With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.<br />She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."tushar batrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08856768732251712946noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44323078600283322.post-89299180328336762152009-07-30T11:56:00.000-07:002009-07-30T11:57:08.394-07:00A Blonde PotatoA brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were robbing a supermarket when a police officer walked in the store.<br /><br />The three women decide to hide in three potato sacks.<br />The cop kicks the first bag, and the brunette says, "meow", the cop says, "oh, its only a cat"<br />He kicks the second bag, and the redhead says, "woof, woof". The cop says, "its only a dog".<br />He kicks the third bag, and the blonde says, "potato"tushar batrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08856768732251712946noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44323078600283322.post-27086116958787276062009-07-30T11:55:00.000-07:002009-07-30T11:56:05.475-07:00The Paint Job!A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.<br /><br />"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"<br />The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"<br />The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."<br /><br />A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.<br />"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."tushar batrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08856768732251712946noreply@blogger.com0