Tuesday, December 27, 2011

A Welling Christmas

TO: The World

FROM: The Welling sisters

Ashley Stephanie

Well the holidays are drawing to a close dear friends and I (Ashley) would like to take a step back and reflect on my time back in the ol’ U.S. of A. To start, I think it would surprise even the most exaggerating of exaggerators how many times I’ve been asked to do a Scottish accent. And I might not mind quite as much if I could actually do one but I absolutely cannot. What comes out of my mouth is some amalgamation of German, Cockney, and West Indian. Don’t ask how I amalgamated all of those, only our Lord and Savior knows the answer to that one. And even he might not know.

The second favorite question is “Why would you want to live in Scotland?” to which I reply, “Because I was deported.” People generally don’t ask any questions after that.

And seeing my cats all my friends has been really great. Everyone’s been saying I’ve lost weight, which I’ve responded to by eating three times my body weight over the last two weeks. First world problems. Oh and I’ve given everyone their Christmas presents which largely consisted of whiskey and whiskey flavored condoms — I think the customs officers at JFK assumed I was both a massive slut and alcoholic with an affinity for miniature whiskey bottles. But truthfully they probably deduced something worse about my character just from the way I looked after travelling for 20 hours, having every flight delayed, sleeping on the airplane, sleeping on the airplane and having half my body drooping out into the aisle giving every passenger free reign to rub their bodies against my hair, being woken up every five minutes by my row-mate who apparently had the world’s most efficient digestive system, sprinting through the New York airport with only twenty minutes to get to my connecting flight, actually making my connecting flight to Sacramento, and so on.

But it was all worth it. Seeing Stephanie’s crap lousy face, watching endless hours of Family Guy, The Office, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, and … *gasp* … writing fiction, has been amazing.

And seeing as I probably will not return for another six months, I’m trying to soak it all in — and “soaking it all in” in Placerville takes like six hours. So I’m over it. Just kidding. But seriously, I am getting excited to go back to Scotland on the 5th and my little family away from family over there.

So followers, have fun ringing in 2012/the end-of-the-world year … God knows I will, and in Berkeley no less. Also, in celebration of the holiday season, we went through twenty-four years worth of photos and picked out the best of the often awkward Welling family pictures. There are some new ones in there too. And then, read on for Stephanie’s little holiday message and know that I accept NO responsibility for how terrible her writing is as she is on copious amounts of post-op pain medication at present. Enjoy!

Until next time,

Ashley

Now let the awkwardness cuteness BEGIN:

Me and Mama. Making Christmas cookies like a boss since 1987.

Brick red carpet and my Christmas swag

I'm not entirely sure if I was about to throw up or help her blow out her candles.

Stephanie's Christmas break in bullet point form because Stephanie is not completely mentally present at the moment -

After many hours, two cups of ginger ale, a brief but wondrous interaction with a man in the Phoenix airport that involved him offering to tape my Macbook charger into the outlet because it kept falling out (see also: true love), an Auntie Anne's Cinnamon-butter pretzel, and the familiar feeling of embarrassment as I descended the escalator in my home airport towards my sister who was yelling out a How The Grinch Stole Christmas reference ("Betty! Hiiii!")

Getting up three hours later the next morning for my mother's graduation from grad school.

Socializing with extended family.

Correction: not answering a single question about the fact that I just moved across the country for college. I'm still bitter about that.

Driving around to record stores with some old friends.

Returning to my old habit of not doing anything with my life. And also copious hours of Mario Kart. And maybe a couple Arnold Palmer's.

Okay like 30 Arnold Palmers. They're rare in Pittsburgh, okay?

Realizing how much I missed driving around aimlessly by driving around aimlessly.

Chipotle.

And, finally, surgery. It was this morning and it hurt a little but when they gave me the anesthesia I apparently said "woooooo" and immediately exited consciousness.

Also being wheeled around everywhere. I felt like a god. Bow down to the fact that if I stood up I'd probably pass out, ye minions.

Ashley with our beautiful circa-1998 hand-made ornaments. Mine is on the left, obviously.

15 comments:

Woah, hope the op wasn't for anything too crazy. Also, looking at the final picture, you seem to have one of those scanners for smart phones on your wrist.

Is this in case somebody thinks 'I also would like my own woman high on morphine, where can I purchase one?', then proceeds to scan your wrist to see what Amazon has on offer?

N64, <3 that shit!

There is always something amazing about returning home after a long time away. While I didn't go far from home from for university, it was always amazing coming back - can't imagine what it must feel like for you two.

I love that the two of you have each other. I always wanted a sister and I'm so glad that my kids have one another to find comfort in. I hope their bond is as strong as yours. Hope the last pic wasn't for anything too serious, and that your Christmas was merry. All the best for the new year x

B) If you guys should win our contest, be careful about posting pictures of Ashley scrunching her face and looking high/constipated/slightly Asian next to that TV screen. I might choose that picture as my inspiration for her drawing (or drawring, if you're a NASCAR fan).

C) I could kick your ass at Mario Kart 64 any day of the week. That's right, I said it. The gauntlet's been thrown down.

Love the pictures and loved your review on the missing link. After seeing your kitty picture,I understand why you havent pushed for puppy as winner prize.I want to sign up for dance lessons. Unlike you I always had only 1 habit. Dont do anything with your life.

Ah, love the N64. Still have it. Mario Kart too. Not to mention, 5 cats between my house and my parent's house. Also, I can't wait to go to Scotland someday. My last name is Scottish, so it's always interested me.

OH MY GOD! You still have a working N64 with Mario Kart! Please invite me round to play it! I'll help make cookies and give you cake and give you Whiskey (with an 'e' which makes it Irish..... not like that silly Scottish Whisky or American Bourbon)