Swine flu has claimed its first life in America, a young child. Mexico has identified the first infected person there, a young child. For the billion healthy kids in the Western hemisphere: you're grounded.

A 23-month-old child in Texas has died from the disease. And a five-year-old boy in La Gloria, Mexico—a town heavy into pig farming—was identified as the first case in Mexico. (Why publicly ID the kid and assure he's not only mocked at school, but besieged by foreign correspondents from around the world? I don't know).

According to the 1976 Swine Flu Panic Embarrassment Fiasco timeline, we're currently in the "feature story" stage of the national hysteria ('Meet the Family of the Victim!!!!'), to be followed shortly by the "cure proves to be worse than the disease" stage. Watch for it.

The head of the CDC "said he was saddened by the U.S. death, but added, 'I don't think it indicates any change in the strain.'" But don't be fooled, kids: the fun is fucking over. Get off the playground. Go to your room. Put on your mask. And wait.