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Sex toy dossier

Resident sex-pert Dwayne Hoover chronicles some of the most popular, pleasure-inducing products on the market

In the modern world, sex isn’t just about perpetuation of the species. Hell, anymore, it isn’t even just a loving, physical exchange between two horny people. Nowadays, it’s about exploring something infinitely more intimate, as any ER doctor who has had to dig foreign objects out of people’s rectums will tell you.

As part of our continuing efforts to share with you the latest and greatest society has to offer, we went in search of the hottest stuff in the sex toy industry. So strap yourselves in, guys and gals, because we’re about to blow your minds.

Ladies, if you’re looking for the ultimate in vibrator technology, look no further than The Ultimate G by Ann Summers. This many-armed apparatus was designed with the help of medical professionals to ensure that it’s hitting multiple crucial spots to deliver an orgasm like no other. Sure, it looks like a horrific, pink, alien appendage capable of destroying your insides, but its creators are certain its anatomical design will send your naughty bits to a completely new dimension of pleasure.

For you guys out there, there’s a male stimulator relatively new to the market called PULSE, developed by a company called Hot Octopuss. It uses oscillating discs to provide solo masturbatory pleasure, and can also be worn during sex as a mutually beneficial device with a vibrating underside for your lady’s enjoyment. In addition, an erection isn’t mandatory to use PULSE. It’s just as happy to go to work on your flaccid member, which is great news for your boner pill budget.

If direct, physical contact with your partner isn’t necessarily possible, mandatory, or even preferable, there’s always the realm of teledildonics to be explored. Take the blueMotion wearable vibrator from OhMiBod, for example. With a thinner, form-fitting design, the blueMotion can be placed snugly in a pair of panties, and from there the ‘ooh’s and ‘aah’s can be controlled remotely via a Smartphone app.

And before a costly legal battle over patents that halted development, there was the RealTouch interactive device for guys, which gave you a high-tech version of the Fleshlight and the ability to purchase live dates with models who would use a “joystick” to control the action. Fortunately, those who have already procured their RealTouch devices can still buy remote boning sessions. Hey, maybe you can find a used one on eBay or something.

From oral simulators, to vibrating dong rings, and even USB-rechargeable, thumb-sized vibrators with actual data storage capabilities, there is no shortage of new and exciting options to assist you in getting your freak on. Because, thankfully, as technology advances, so too does our desire and ability to develop ways to have sex with it.

PULSE

So, whether you’re looking for a new way to spice things up with your partner, or maybe something to just flat out replace them altogether, be sure to visit your local adult toy store or take to the Internet to find whatever suits your genitals.

Just be sure to do your homework first. It’s not a “try before you buy” sort of deal.

DECEMBER 2014 PRINT EDITION

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