Hey!
Or for just this one special time.
Hi...
(laughs)
This here is the ever controversial
Loretta Jenkins,
smokin' dope LIVE on How I Seize It!
Lord, it's warm in here.
Turn the air on, Jesus!
In case you ain't recently heard in the news,
these two old hippie states way out west,
they done gone legalized
recreational marijuana.
So folks don't have to say they gots
diseases and shit to gets some.
But we just gotta keep pushin'
that envelope now that
Weeds done got cancelled.
Fact is,
marijuana kills like zero percent
of the same thing
that cigarettes, booze and terminal illnesses
kills on a daily base.
You people who's a-hollerin'
'bout 'small government'
needs to realize somethin'.
Y'all needa get the fuck outta folks' lives too
and that include
what we put IN
and what we jeck OUT
of our own damn bodies!
That's between me and my God, motherfucker!
Hell Yeah!
Freedom!
'Mericuh!
Power to the Peoples!
Black Power!
Queer Power!
Flower Power!
Huh?
Oh hey, Mona!
Here, hit this shit!
Shhhhh!
Shhhhh!
Oh! Hey, Margie!
(laughs)
I'm hungry.
I didn't say that!
You can't use that against me,
you fuckers!
(laughs)
(farts)
Excuse me,
I am totally completely off script right now...
On the real though,
I'd rather turn over my keys
to some reefer tweeke
than some drunk dumbass!
Cause when you stoned and drive,
you usually ain't ever goin
no more than ten mile an hour.
And that ain't even fast enough
to run over a youngin'!
Unless you rev up on 'em real fast!
I mean, I imagine...
Hey!
EUREKA!!!
Here's a good business idea!
Marijuana-Infused Beer!
Do they still make Lowenbrau?
I could mix up
some of that wacky-tobacky
with some of that good
frothy German malt beverage
and call that shit 'Highbrau,'
just like my sense of humor.
(laughs, coughs)
Hey now, Trademarks!
That's MY idea.
And if any of y'alls copy me,
I'm gonna come gun
your whole family down.
Execution-style-
Like a Pablo St. Capasso!
Startin' with Grandma.
Hey, I know how to hold a gun 'gangster.'
So what are you gonna do
when I come for you?
Nothin'!
Eh-
Why am I so angry?
Oh yeah, my momma was a fuckin' cunt!
Hey, my Dr. Phil wrote me a script that
says I can smoke a doob
anytime I gets angry.
Grrrrrr!
Yeah, man that is some good shit.
When Willie Nelson gonna run for President?
Somebody need to make that happen.
That's for you, Sara!
I like Native Injuns,
cause they was all peaceful
with they pipes until the
blood-hungry white man come a'killin'.
That make me plum shame, white folks.
Sometimes, I go out and get sunburnt on purpose
just so I can feel that Injun burn.
(Indian cry.)
Hey, let's smoke some more doob.
We'll pretend it's like Injun peace pipe. Okay?
And they say it kills cancer cells, too!
It's the wondermous drug
that works wondermouses!
So see,
I kinely got that OCDC,
which kinely makes me smarte
than most folks...
So my brain is like
spinnin' around like a goddamn pinwheel.
And that MJ here,
she slows my roll.
She help me compartmentalize my thoughts
and organize all my genius ideas.
And she keeps me
from mass murderin' folks most days.
Here's what the government don't tell you
about sweet Ol' Chiba...
They say it's dangerous,
but it's really only illegal
cause these old racist folks
back in the day
wantin' to lock up or lynch black jazz singers,
and Nixon wantin' to shut
the hippies up protestin' Vietnam.
Hell, he shoulda let them
flower children smoke up them boys in blue.
Help them forget them baby killin' memories!
Shit...
Give peace a chance, y'all...
Hell, just legalize that shit
and folks be too stoned
to beat they wives
or rob banks or run trains into skyscrapers...
Fuck, I sound like a goddamn hippy.
Hey, has y'all seen that 'Reefer Madness'
propaganda bullshit?
That shit is hystilerical!
That bitch like hittin' her spliff
singin' like, "Play somethin' hot!"
And when they smoke in that movie,
they like all monkified-
Wonk-eyed, screachin'-
Freakin' out-
Jumpin' outta windows!
Runnin' over old folks!
Hell, ain't no marijuana can do that!
Fuck, a joint would cost $100
if if gived you THAT kinda experience!
Look, we spent about all our goddamn money
on this fake-ass 'War On Drugs,'
and is folks off drugs?
Naw.
Look, we're on this Earth
for a min-
Lim-
We're on this Earth for a limited amount of time,
so if I wanna get high,
lemme get high
and mind your own goddamn business!
I ain't killin' nobody!
And that's How I Seize It!