A whole bunch of stuff that rarely involves anything to do with breakfast.

Monday, July 27, 2009

i miss her already

A eugoogoly to Bridget Parker

It's been an emotional week in Ramsay Street. I am constantly breaking down in tears whenever I think about it. I can't eat, I can't sleep. My heart's a mess. I'm like a waterlogged ball that no one wants to kick around anymore.

Today, we farewell Bridget "Didge" Napier nee Parker in blog form. Didge introduced herself to the world of Neighbours by walking across the road while listening to her iPod and was hit by a car. The driver of the car was Susan, who was suffering some MS symptoms at the time and blacked out. Didge was left paralysed on one side of her body - I'm fairly sure it alternated whenever she got tired of holding a walking stick in a particular hand - but swiftly recovered. Then she went to a dance party and the roof fell on her; her soulmate Declan dragged her to safety (after first saving her boyfriend... I'm not sure who that says more about, actually). Didge also fell into a swimming pool while paralysed and almost died. Some would say that Bridget was lucky to have made it as far as she did without being killed. I'm surprised she could get out of bed without being suffocated by her pillow.

A common sight in Neighbours; Didge lying in hospital as Bastoni and wife look on lovingly.

In the field of love, Didge has dated Declan, Ringo, some guy called Josh, a rapist who she ended up killing, Declan, no one and then finally Declan again. As always happens, she fell pregnant after sleeping with Declan, but in true Didge spirit, refused to let this change her life; she was still all over Erinsborough, fighting the good teenager fight, including going to the General Store, the Milk Bar, the footy, the gym and to school camps, where she was swept downstream after her raft capsized and she was trapped for several hours in freezing water, barely conscious and suffering hypothermia. I believe it was her love for Declan and her unborn child that saved her life. This love was recorded in the history books as Didge, Declan, token Asian friend, Donna, Emo Zeke and Ringo happened across an old church while looking for Paul Robinson, who was on the run from the law. In the presence of God, four mates and a batty old vicar, Didge and Dec tied the knot in a ceremony that has been described as "beautiful," "totally Bridget" and "completely fucked."

Speaking of completely fucked, Didge's family has always been just that. Adopted by Steve "I'm Hungry!" Bastoni and Miranda, she has had the best of times and the worst of times. Following in Steve's footsteps, she was interested in veterinary science as well as AFL football, a sport in which it was proven that short, scrawny girls can definitely compete with adult males who have played the game their entire lives. After her brother Riley hooked up with their aunt and left Erinsborough for either Iraq or Sydney, Didge relied on Steve and Miranda and her loyal friends to help her through obstacles from being kicked out of school for being pregnant to always being hungry because she was pregnant as well as looking after her at a music festival while being nine months pregnant.

Steve Bastoni - women want him and men want to be him

As the song says, "Only the Good Die Young" and Bridget (and Paul Robinson) are testimony to that fact. The curse of leaving Erinsborough struck again as a nice, leisurely drive from Victoria to the top of Queensland with a month-old baby and three tired adults resulted in an unforseen tragedy. A horse ran out onto the road and Steve was unable to control the Bastoni-mobile (a 1990 VT Commodore) as this vestige of automotive safety ploughed into it or a tree or something, knocking everyone unconscious, and in fact, throwing both Didge and her baby through the windscreen and into scrubland. Slightly disorientated from the accident, Didge did the brave thing and wandered off with the baby, muttering nonsense to herself and going shit-tins crazy until collapsing somewhere.

The next twenty-four hours were hell for the Parkers, Napiers and everyone in the street as Didge fought off delusions and nightmares as she slipped away.

Tributes in the form of cake-making contests were held by the Scullys, and Karl Kennedy left his shift at the hospital to don the ritualistic blindfold to taste-test a chocolate cake and a vanilla cake, ultimately deciding that both cakes were "fucking terrible." New cakes were made and taken to the devastated Parkers, who no doubt felt like chowing down on some rich, moist chocolate mud after losing their daughter.

I would at this point like to give special mention to Declan's mother, Rebecca, for storming into the Parker's house full of piss and wind and looking like she was about to punch Declan in the face, tell him to get over the loss of his wife and "have some more fucking cake." Instead, she held her son in her arms and cried with him; it would have been a more touching experience if she hadn't have had so much cleavage exposed, but she had barely got dressed after her latest romp with Paul Robinson when she heard the news, so we can be thankful for small mercies that she was dressed at all.

What's next for the Napiers and Parkers? Well, the Parkers are packing up and fucking off out of Ramsay Street. I guess you can't blame them. As for Declan, I would love to see him hit the piss in a week-long binge of drunken angst, ultimately leading to him joining Alcoholics Anonymous and being able to preach at everyone else in the street for their hardships."Declan, I have cancer.""Ringo, I know it's scary. It's how I felt when I went to my first AA meeting.""Yeah, but dude... I'm going to die. Like, tomorrow.""That's what I said when I realised I had a problem. I knew it was an issue when I was ordering shandies instead of orange juice.""A shandy?""Yeah, it's lemonade with about a centimetre of beer in it.""...""I'm an alcoholic, man. I can't even have lemonade without beer in it.""...""I know. The cancer pain has robbed you of speech. I know how you feel, because, well... I'm an alcoholic.""...""...""I fucking hate you, Declan."

"That's the cancer talking. I said things I didn't mean when I was drunk, too."

Rebecca and Paul's wedding will no doubt carry on as per schedule, i.e. next week. It's not the Neighbours way to let a death in the family stop the good times; and there are always going to be more dramas in store when a wedding is on. I predict a fire.

The friendship group will spend a day thinking about all the good times they had with Didge, and then dismiss her completely. You'll always live on in my heart, Bridget.