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Monday, April 03, 2006

Which soap should one use?

The last couple of days there have been a lot of promotion for a new product. This new product is called "ASAN for Men". For all of you who don't know ASAN is a soap which one uses for washing "down there". Now I couldn't resist wondering why they need a soap like this specifically for men. I thought the ASAN soap was ment to be ph neutral and could be used by both men and women.

Since I know that I am not the only one asking this question I thought it was my task to find out. Especially since I got really scared that ASAN never was ment to be used by men. As a concerned customer and to fulfill my duty as a responcible citizent here is some public sevice for you all.

This mail was sent off to ASAN:

Dear sir/madam.

My name is John Tender and I have a question conserning you product "Asan", the soap used for cleaning "down there" (that would be for me the penis for you maybe the vagina).

I have lived in Norway for about half a year now, and from the first week I have used your soap ASAN to clean my penis (did you know that this word means "tail" in latin? Imagine if it was attatched as a tail, that would have been interesting).

Usually I start by cleaning the whole thing and in the end giving it a quick wash under the foreskin (I still have this part attatched, but some says it is not good for the personal hygine, is that true?)

Anyway I saw the other day that you have a new product out which is called "ASAN for Men" and that made me quite scared. Does this mean that the product ASAN which I have used is not for men? The last month I have evolved some kind of bubbles under my foreskin, and I am afraid that this may be because I have used the wrong soap. It's not big things, but they do give me a bit of a scratch. I believe now that it is your duty to inform us, the people, that your ASAN not was ment for men. Actually I find it strange that you have not written this on your bottles of soap. I mean how could I know that I was not supposed to use this on my long john!?

I am not angry at you, but I would like you to tell me now how I can get these things I got "down there" to go away. The girls actually find them rather discusting. I tell them it is nothing to worry about and that it is because your ASAN not was ment for my buddy, but one of them actually left me naked on the bed one day. Can you imagine the humiliation? Could you therefor also send me a written statement that it is because of ASAN I got these things, cause I have a date for tomorrow night and it would be nice to have some proof.

Anyway thanks for your help and thank you for finally making an ASAN for Men which I can use down there, still it would have been nice with some information on the fact that ASAN not was ment for me. But if you give me the written statement and the recepie to make these things go away I will forgive you.

Sincerely yours,

John Tender

ASAN answered, though it seems like she didn't read my whole question. This is the answer I recieved:

Dear John Tender!

A lot of men are using our "normal" Asan soap, but we have developed an intimate soap for men because we know from marketing research that men demand for a different soap for their intimate hygiene. They want a more masculine soap with regard to the bottle as well as the contents.

Hopefully you will be satisfied with Asan for men, but there is nothing wrong in using the "normal" Asan soap for men eiher.

BRAxxxxx Øxxxx HxxxxxxxxProduct Manager Asan

Now this mail did not respond to my whole request. Actually it didn't help much, it just raised some more questions. Does the use of normal ASAN make a man more feminin as some people seem to believe?

Of course I had to respond to ASAN once more:

Dear Axxxxx.

So you are claiming that your ASAN soap has nothing to do with my blisters? Then what may be the reason? Now I am getting really nervous, because my date tonight probably would like to see your written statement. But do you think your ASAN for Men will take those blisters away? I was about to believe that your ASAN had some feminine stuff in it and that my private parts was turning into a vagina. That was a really scary thought.

I don't actually quite get this. Because I am a man and I have felt quite masculine my whole life, even that time I had a role in a theatre where I played a woman. But what is the content in your ASAN for Men which makes it more masculin? Because if you put hormones in your soap I would like to know, because I believe that may be dangerous and it would at least do nothing good to my blisters.

Would it be correct to asume that a lot of Norwegian men don't use to wash themselves on their private parts because they think it's "feminine"? Because that would actually be discusting! How can you stand something like that as a woman? No wonder if you go lesbian.

Please explain this to me and give me a confirmation that your ASAN for Men can take my blisters away.

Sincerely yours,

John Tender

Clearly ASAN will not respond to whetever their soap make a man more feminin or if their ASAN for Men will help you against veneral diseases, cause they never replied to this last request. I guess they have a generally lack of humor and takes no responsibility concidering their consumer service.

But I did my best to enlighten you all, and I hope you have learnt something. If you have any request you want an answer to please give me a note and I will do my best to get an answer. And do remember to give yourself a good cleaning. At least before you listen to The Johnny Cane Band!