Month: February 2015

I must say I have learned a lot attending college. Business Marketing is my major. These classes has shown me the in and outs of business and how to operate them to the best of my ability. Creativity is a huge part in marketing and knowing my segmented groups is the best way to market a product. I have to know people…which leads me to my favorite thing to meditate on, and that is people and their personalities.

I’m a people watcher. That is one thing college cannot teach me. At work is where I get to do this. I listen and observe while being quiet. It’s quite fun! My love for people make doing this enjoyable. Sure, there are some personalities I shy away from more than others, but I’m capable of getting along with all of them. Been this way all my life. How? The reason is because I look for the good qualities in each person. Sometimes it’s difficult to see them in some individuals, but I always find a few. I concentrate on those few. I see them in a different light when I do this, and that is how I get along with everyone. Once you do this life becomes interesting. People are interesting. They make me cry and they make me laugh…and I need both. I’m going to mention four people I know, and this is their beauty through my eyes:

Person #1. Middle aged(over 50). Speaks slowly, as if she’s considering every word before she speaks. Not much fluctuation in her tone. Overly thorough in explaining things. Slowly reacts to any type of situation. Sense of humor could be better. Not a lively person. Does things by the book. But this is what I see…she carries a sense of peace about her. Emotions are under control. She may be slow to speak but her words are kind and helpful. Her lack of body and facial motions give way to a person that takes her responsibilities seriously. Her stern ways about her reflect experience, but not-so stern that she is unapproachable. It appears she lives a laid back life with stress under control. She gets things done. She may not laugh too much, BUT she doesn’t flip out either. She is a professional. We need people like that because she is calm. We need calm people.

Person #2. Middle aged (over 50). Professional in her ways. She is a go getter. Outgoing and wonderful with words. Can become stressed easily, but that’s caused by her eagerness to be successful. She likes to show what she is made of. Can be a little sensitive. Puts effort into being kind to everyone, but I sense a mean streak. Sense of humor peaks out at times. She’s fair and understands people. I feel she has a low self esteem but makes up for it through her job. But here is what I see…she has pride in what she does. Her job is stressful and she tries her best to deal with the pressure. She does not give up! She keeps going and makes things happen. She is conscious of her attitude and will adjust it accordingly. Once you become closer to her, she will open up. Fire her up and she will be bold…at the right times. We need people like her to go above and beyond their duty to help a company run successfully. One who never throws the towel in.

Person #3. Under 40. Down to earth. Laughs a lot. Takes her responsibility seriously, but doesn’t allow it to take her. She is caring. Looks for ways to improve situations. Doesn’t mind showing that she’s unhappy (lol). Very expressive. Carries a smile. Strong personality and doesn’t care what people think of her. She wants to do her job well and is very thankful for what she has. She laughs at herself. She’s youthful in some of her actions (she’s not much younger than myself). Approachable. Silly. She’s careful on how she says things, but she gets her point across. She has had me laughing on more than one occasion. This is what I see. I need people like her.

Person #4. Close to middle age. Doesn’t take much seriously, but she shows up. Follower. Caring. Doesn’t think much for herself and follows the crowd. She will do anything for anyone. Learning disability. Very energetic! Always positive for no reason. Not a complainer even when her life isn’t perfect. She likes to be included in things and accepted. She’s alone. She doesn’t let what people say about her bring her down. Good sense of humor. Dances and sings wherever she is. She tries. Independent. Expresses herself in childish ways (I love that). People pleaser. She doesn’t always make sense but her heart is good. Plus, her facial expressions are to die for. She doesn’t seem to worry about anything. She’s a big teenager. This is what I see. The world needs people like her.

This is only my observation. Each person is beautiful in their own way…I look for the good and not the bad.

I just threw away my name plate I forgot I had from my miserable days working as a waitress. That job was more difficult than I ever imagined. Thankfully I’m not doing that anymore. Through all that chaos, a slight grin emerged thinking about those days. I realized that I had to do a lot of things I didn’t want to do. I hated waitressing! My stomach turned every time I had to work. It was not pleasant and I was not good at serving food. Forgetting to wait on tables and mixing up their orders was my daily special. My mind was consumed with school and life in general, and I could not get the hang of things. Did I try? Yes! Over and over. But, I never missed one day. I was never late, and I tried to pick up extra shifts. The other employees did not welcome me with open arms. Okay…they barely looked my way and didn’t speak to me, with the exception of maybe two of them. That’s okay because I probably didn’t have much in common with them anyhow. Although, it made it more difficult and lonely while I was there. Did I give up and quit? Yes, BUT not without another job lined up. I HAD to stick with it. I didn’t have any other income coming in. And that is what you do when you have no other choice.

Isn’t that life? Doing things we don’t like or want to? I’ve done a lot of that crap in the past couple years. What was I suppose to do? I had to make a living and support myself. That’s exactly what I did-kept doing things I didn’t want to. Digging deep and mustering up the strength to keep going took everything I had. At times is was depressing. I was scared, lonely, and tired. But, I had hope and faith. These two devices carried me through those times. The combination of having no choice and wanting to get on my own feet fueled me to continue. Today, I still do things I don’t want to, but I have a different view of it now. I know things change as long as you don’t give up. It might take a while but it does change! Small changes are valuable. All the small things add up to one big thing. I went from not being able to find a job to working in my field of study without my degree yet. How? I stuck with my old position because I realized the organization I was working for had opportunities for growth. Keeping my eyes open and building a good reputation with the company landed me a better position. How many jobs in two years did I have to go through to get this one? Six. I was a persistent little thing. Each day became better. Things are not great, just improved. I cried myself to sleep, I grew angry at times, and I lost hope on more than one occasion. I still drugged myself to those empty jobs because they served their purpose for that time being. There was a lesson to them. I learned what I didn’t want. It became more apparent I was capable of more. If I didn’t do what I didn’t want to, I would not be in the position I’m in now. Hopelessness was not part of my vocabulary.

My advice to anyone is to do the things you don’t like because you will change it. It forced me to change and strive for something better. Yes, you might have to deal with a situation for a while. Let that ignite you to dive deep and pull out all the cards. It’s going to take work…and persistence. I don’t know about anyone else, but I will always get up, get dressed, show up, and never give up. This is not the end of my story…but only the beginning.

Arriving to work in the usual way…on time, I put my purse and coat away to sit at my desk. After an hour or so I begin to wonder what the day has in store for me. Little ole me. I look to the right and then to the left. Nothing new, I see. Oh yeah, I almost forgot that I need to pass out the newspapers to my residents. I honor my duties. These folks rely on me. Passing the paintings in the halls I get a view of the past. Pictures of children playing in the sunlight dressed in attire that I no longer see. I’m guessing it to be in the 1920’s-the roaring 20’s, one of my favorite periods of time. Looking down with a smile on my face that stretches from one corner of my mouth to the other corner. Oh how I wish times now were as innocent as it was then. As I continue down the way I come across a 90 year old resident quietly sitting in his recliner. As I enter his room I see pictures of maps, medals, and war memorabilia. His whole being gloats as I stand there taking it all in. Without me speaking he asks, “what do you see, girl?” I respond with, “a lot, and it looks like you were busy at one time.” He goes on to tell me that the things I’m seeing was not the most important times in his life. He looks towards the window where a small stand supports a 8 by 10 picture of a young woman whom appears to be about 18 years of age. In his words…the love of his life…

Staring into his eyes I plead with him to tell me more. He agrees to satisfy my curiosity and invites me to have a seat along his bedside. Come on already! Older people and their calmness and hesitation! Geez! So he begins…it was one year before he was drafted into World War II when he met Annie. Annie was different than his rowdy social class that he treaded the streets with. She had a glow, a distinction, about her. He noticed it but without regard he continued in his debauchery ways. They would notice each other passing along the street and going into the local hangout. Everybody that was anybody swung by Mr. Canbury’s shop to stare and giggle at the future prospects of one day becoming a wife or husband. In those days men and women looked for a spouse to last for a lifetime, not a live-in boyfriend or girlfriend. Annie was there often with her friends. She way quiet and shy. Words didn’t flow from her mouth but her eyes did the speaking for her. He wondered why she didn’t speak like her friends. Intimidation was written all over her presence. He decided to ask her out. She quietly agreed. The following Saturday he met her at the county fair. As they walk along the dusty streets the silence between them became heart wrenching. He didn’t understand her silent nature. Patience was not his strong suite. But he continued to walk with her and wait. She would smile and look away. He thought Annie was so cute. He had to know more. The few words she did speak was profound. He could not believe the wisdom this girl has acquired. She made him laugh. For sure he liked Annie tremendously.

He talked her into getting on the Ferris Wheel. Mind you, Annie was afraid of heights. With his hand extended, he promised her it will be okay. She lays her hand into his and they aboard the ride. Sitting at the top he turned and asked, “are you afraid?” For some reason she looks calm and says, “no.” When the ride is over they decide to go get a milkshake. Annie cannot believe she was able to get on that ride. In her mind this man was special because no one would have been able to coax her into getting on a Ferris Wheel. Hand in hand they walk along the road towards the shop. Content is absorb through their souls. This is a feeling neither one has felt. At the entrance of Mr. Canbury’s stood four of the town’s misfits. Loud laughter, foul language, and empty whiskey bottles surrounded the fools that carelessly make obscene remarks to the passerby’s. As Annie and him approached the entrance, the ring leader stepped unto their path. He began to call Annie’s new found love undeserved filthy names, and wondered why he was hanging around with “her” and not them. He explained that she was better company than themselves. This enraged the four ruthless men. The little one standing in the shadow of the ring leader pulls a switchblade. His little voice echoed hysterics on how they won’t be disrespected in such a manner! A crowd begins to gather. Annie let’s go of his hand. Thoughts of her love getting cut brought out her hate for injustice and the strong dislike for bullies. She asked him to take a step back. Out of the blue Annie grabs the knife out of the little man’s hand, the one who cannot even toot his own horn, closes the blade and ask the not-so fearsome four if they would like to dance. She was not talking about a serenade. Annie was going to brawl! The look on her face was one to reckon with. All he could do is stare in bewilderment! With a swift jab and a uppercut, the leader went down. Annie calmly asked, “whose next?” After seeing their leader collapse, the three followers decide that they are no match for Annie. So they run off into the darkness leaving their pride with the whiskey bottles. This quiet, shy, and little girl became a fearless beast to uphold and protect her man. He couldn’t even imagine…

At that moment…he knew this was the love of his life.

Time ticking away and tears strolling down my face, I had to get back to work. I got up and thanked my resident for the story. As I went to walk out I turned to ask him something, but I stopped as soon as I seen the expression on his face. Reminiscing while staring at her picture was not my place to interrupt that. I left the room feeling like I was in a different place…

I think I have become numb. Numb to any emotions. My thoughts WERE all over the place, but now they have seemed to disappear. Loneliness has thwarted it’s ugly face, once again. Overwhelming feelings of unhappiness lingers above my head most days in the last couple weeks. Sure, there are moments when I feel joy but it’s a struggle. Lack of interaction doesn’t help matters. My life has become a bore. Routine once was what I longed for, now it has become something of a stranger to me. Routine has it’s place in life, but like anything else it’s not meant to be permanent. I dream of the day where I find my place. A ridiculous amount of things has changed in my life. For the most part I have coped fairly well to them. Yes, my life is better. Yes, I have come a long way. Yes, I’ve stood on my own two feet and have taken care of myself. But something seems to be missing…

Trying to get to the bottom of what’s causing this has become an obstacle in my path. I can say it’s this or that, but I believe it’s a combination of things. In my world it doesn’t sprinkle. It pours. Dealing with too many emotions has shut me down. Things look bleak. Not many people ask me how I am, and I don’t have it in me to ask them the same. My answer would probably be silence or “it is what it is.” I HAVE TO FIND MY SPARK. It’s not that I don’t care because I do. You just don’t see it. I’m numb. It’s difficult to dream of a better future but I know it’s there. It will find me. Distance doesn’t always make the heart grow fonder. It can be detrimental. Not all of us bounce back from an injury life has given us. We just learn to walk with a gimp. Eventually too many injuries will take us down. Am I at that point? Not physically (hope not). Emotionally? I don’t believe so. I’m not going to lie…it has taken a toll on me. I’ve lost my sense of humor. The reason is because there is NO humor around me. Matter of fact, there isn’t much around me. I have been here before, but it’s different this far advance into my personal growth. These feelings should still not be with me. Things should be different. I ask myself have if I have become complacent in the ways things are? Maybe. But that is not bringing me joy nor is it the things I WANT. Again, changes need to be made. My problem is there has been so many changes that I’m tired. These changes have been great, but they do not compensate family, love, and friends. I have made ALL these changes internally but lack the three just mentioned. I don’t feel I have love from the people I want in my life, I don’t have a close family, and I don’t have hardly any friends. Besides God, these THREE are the greatest of all. Guess what? I don’t have any of them. My bleak life. I have tried so hard in the last couple years to stabilize myself. I left a terrible past, started with nothing, concentrated on education, finding a job, and being on the straight and narrow. I wanted to be something in life so bad that I forgot what it’s like to lay back and look at the stars. It was my way of surviving. All I could think of is school and work. Focus. I don’t want to be a loser. I wanted to show everyone that I love that you can come back and be something. I wanted them to be proud of me. But, joy was lost along the way. My intentions were great, but set in the wrong direction. Thy guarded heart was my downfall. There were things I let go of too easily and things I didn’t let go of enough. I know that now. I’ve known it for a while but old habits are hard to break. What do I do now?

I continue. I make strides in the areas that mean the most. Education? Oh yeah, I got that. Job? Yeah-yeah I got that too. Home? Yep. Love, family, and friends? They are there…I must seek them. Hopefully they will have me. It won’t be easy. I will not give up on the treasures in life, and that is my God, family, friends, and love. I will always get up, get dressed, show up, and never give up. I love them ALL. No more hiding in my safe place. Things got to change…it’s up to me!