I write this as one of you – one of you currently finding himself back in the dating scene and having conversations with single women about their dating experiences in today’s society. Every experience from weird Tinder messages to an actual series of interactions which essentially seemed to compile themselves into some sort of relationship, but for some reason…didn’t, really. I don’t know.

One of the things that seems to be consistent in my conversations though, is that people are just sort of generally clueless about what is going on when it comes to ‘dating,’ if we can call it that. I mean men and women. Clueless. They are clueless because very rarely are any intentions stated and very rarely are any real promises actually followed through with. Men and women seem to talk to each other as if they’re about to walk down the aisle and then just kind of, stop.

Nobody even knows who is doing what anymore. I don’t know who is “dating” or “talking” or “texting” or whatever the kids are calling it these days. What constitutes an actual relationship? Is it when you are Facebook official?

I love social media. I am a social media fiend, that’s where I spend all of my time. But I think it has shot a few holes into what it means to actually build a relationship with someone. As men, we are expected to be the ones who pursue the lady of our choosing – but how are we supposed to choose when we have thousands of Facebook friends and countless supermodels in the “people you may know” suggestions. Am I right? Eh, kinda.

But at this point it’s sort of like, what is it that you’re looking for? Maybe it’s not much, maybe you’re still in that phase where you want to go out and do your thing and have your fun. I went through that phase, it was great. For awhile. Then it got boring. Hollow. Empty. Unsatisfying. Because what is it really but a bunch of shells of things that have a semblance of a relationship? That’s exactly what it is. People bumping into each other and grunting some series of sounds that is somehow understood as “want to come home?” answered by “yuh.” and you’ve got dating in the 21st century.

I think a lot of men are out there sort of using the shotgun strategy. That is, shooting a bunch of stuff up against the wall and figuring that eventually something is going to get hit. In other words, date a lot of different women all at once, let them drop off one by one, until you are left with a final choice that maybe you’ll get into a relationship with.

Actually…that sounds like it has some potential to become a TV show. Someone should get on that.

Anyway, I think this is part of the problem. This is part of the problem because we are not really focusing on a woman who has gotten our attention. We are not putting all of the distractions aside and saying yes! This girl! I want to know more about this one. And then, learning. Spending time with her. Having actual conversations and spending time together. It seems to have become too easy to copy and paste texts and Facebook messages to each other and just see who responds. Maybe this is useful if you are just looking to go out and have fun, but it certainly is not so great if the woman on the receiving end is taking you seriously.

Maybe she is taking you seriously because you sound serious. Maybe you are saying things that you don’t really mean and getting her hopes up. And then when you disappear like the five other guys before you she is left staring at her computer screen looking at “Seen” under every message she’s sent you and wondering why you haven’t responded, when in reality, you never really had any intention of taking her out in the first place.

As this cycle continues, the rest of us are getting a bad wrap. Those of us who actually do want to find something real and genuine with the right type of woman. But maybe that right woman was one of the 27 recipients of your random message who now has trust issues because you weren’t the first guy to do that. And now the rest of us are starting behind the 8-ball and have to turn a normal conversation into a sales pitch to get her to believe that we are not just another cardboard cutout of Johnny Bravo who flexed his biceps and wavy hair at her on Tinder.

So, what am I really getting at here? What I’m getting at is that we need to take a step back and re-evaluate how we are doing things. How we are approaching women, dating, courtship, and relationships. How we are approaching each other as human beings with real feelings – not as a random phone number or name that has popped up on your phone along with 12 others.

We need to bring back the concept of actually building and developing a foundation. A connection. An emotional bond between two people that will actually allow us to grow alongside someone, because as a culture we are losing our grip on this. In turn, we are losing our grip on our own emotional stability and we are dragging women down with us.

If you want something serious, tell her. If you don’t want something serious, tell her. It is time that men started being more honest and trustworthy. Any mature woman would much rather you be honest and up front from the get-go rather than find out months down the road that you were never who she thought.

I know for me, when I meet a woman who I can genuinely see something long term with, I lose interest in talking to everyone else that I didn’t feel that with. I think if you are talking to a woman for more than a few weeks and are still talking to many others, none of them are probably really right for you. If they were, you would crave that realness. That connection. That depth with her – and only her.

Be honest, be real, and be yourself. You don’t have to be perfect to make her happy, you just have to be the man you said you were when you first met her.

Sincerely,

One of you.

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I gave up dating over 16 years ago because with 2 failed marriages and several bad relationships I was never able to get it right. Earlier this year I took a chance on a man who I was friends with. He said all the right things and had pursued me for a year before I gave in. One month later he started disappearing for a couple of days and then up to 2 weeks at a time. After 5 months he gave me the unable to commit speech. He had told me he wasn’t like that, but he was. It is extremely difficult to even think about dating again knowing that there are so many men out there that care so little about how their actions effect others. I’m not sure I will ever be able to try again.

I have had the same thing happen but not all guys are like that! You just haven’t met the right one and never will if you don’t get rid of the negative energy from those losers who didn’t appreciate you. Get back on the horse and keep riding. It will make you stronger and smarter each time and you can use the knowledge to better yourself so you keep meeting better and better men. It’s working for me. I meet great people now – just haven’t found the one that sweeps me off my feet and pursues me. Hang in there!

I Like the article and I agree with Rachelle trust all new experiences and don’t make current people in front of you pay for hurts of someone in the past. Every person you date helps you know what you want. Believe there is that right person out there – go out and have fun. Don’t second guess someone ask questions to get to know them, communicate honestly to build a good foundation and work together with the person in the relationship. Both men and women don’t want to be hurt and want to be happy.

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Andrewon September 15, 2014 at 11:22 pm

Thank you sir! You have put so many of the feelings that I couldn’t express into words! Currently pursuing an incredible woman from my church but she is using this dating book called “the rules” on me(she doesn’t know that I’m aware). It’s been very difficult figuring out what she wants because these rules allow for very little to almost NO communication! Incredibly irksome! I will say however that I was going to have a talk with her tomorrow at our church event and your post has given me the courage to talk to her about where I want to see this go and my intentions about committing to a serious relationship. So I say again, Thank you sir!

I 100% agree with this post. I put it on woman and men equally, but each gender seems to have specific rabbit holes we dive into, and it’s time to stop that. If honesty is the best policy, then why does it feel so unobtainable? I know your letter doesn’t solve the problem, but it is nice to see it out there in an eloquent manner. So, thanks! Hopefully we can all take a step back and consider our own actions instead of focusing on the other person, because that’s truly the only useful thing we can do in this situation.

Well said and I agree totally! Of course I am not your typical woman. I say it like it is and actually communicate and tell people what I like and want and it seems to throw most men into a state of confusion! I just know that’s not the guy for me then. I had a guy actually communicate once and he asked if if like to go back to his place after we had a great first date. I said yes and his jaw dropped! He said he never ever thought we would hook up that night! Well, guys, guess what – he communicated and got laid. Simple as that! Not that all women are like that but us secure, good looking ones looking for mr. Right, like a confident guy and one who can actually express what he wants. Don’t be shy and if a girl gets offended because you ask her if she wants to come over after a great date where it’s obvious she’s flirting with you, then she’s not the one for you! I have been single for a while by choice and meet plenty of guys but most just don’t take the reins and pull me in! I don’t want to be making the first move all the time!
-a patiently waiting single gal who spends her evenings playing xbox

Agree with James about friendship (“on the same wavelength”), this must be fundamental in releationship, all other reasons you have before entering releationship won’t make you happy in long term. Friendship, trust, real love, recpect (chemistry, hormones evaporate) is what stays after all. Don’t play games with people you love, those one who are not worthy will vanish and you will attract similar good hearth people, have hope.

Bravo, well said! You have mirrored my same thoughts and position on this topic. Too many options creates confusion to the point sticking with one potential partner is not the choice for many men. Not to mention many men don’t have the patience to cultivate a strong foundation before getting physical in a dating situation which only perpetuates the lack of desire to focus on one great match. I am not quite sure how this potential epidemic can be rectified but in a digital age I can only see it getting worse not better in the short term for both men and women.

I totally agree with this. Having had my heart ripped out by a guy who I got on so well with for months having spent the first month chatting via email, he then moved the goal posts over night, I agree that honesty is the only way men and women can find each other. You said once before that men shouldn’t let women fall unless they’re willing to catch them, that will always stay with me having fallen and landed hard.
I find I can only really trust people I’ve known a while so I’d have to be friends first and so I don’t see how I can use internet dating of any form as the idea of men pinging multiple women to form relationships just doesn’t appeal to me.
I like Rickyzg’s post.

Let me start with the fact that I love your blog and believe in most if not all things that you post. That being said, I’m not sure how I should be moving forward at this point. I gave up on dating 4 years ago, after a second failed marriage, and have within the last year tried to pick back up dating again. I have profiles on a few dating sites and have tried the bars/pubs, and other social gatherings with little to no response or complete rejection. I’ve tried multiple approaches but have always been honest about what I am looking for, but again have very little success in these endeavors. My confidence is seriously waning and I am at a complete loss at what I should do. Its getting to the point where the fear of rejection is out weighting the desire to approach. I often wonder how people found real love before, when there was no internet, or even cars or planes, when being confined to a small town was the norm. Very close to giving up and throwing in the towel once more. Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

This is really good! I’m sorry that you’re back among the single, but I promise it’s not that bad! Maybe it’s the break that you needed to focus your thoughts and find out more about yourself. 🙂 thanks for continuing to write, it’s always worth the read! -Ace

James is right…dating isnt what it used to be. I started dating my ex right around when facebook really started taking off in 2008. It was so easy to just ‘click’ and share experiences and life stories with each other and grow together. 6 years later, the dating scene is ruined with guys like the ones listed above….trying to land a secure date and become interested in her becomes almost impossible when shes still researching her other options WHILE YOU TWO MEET FOR THE FIRST TIME!!! I tend to lose interest very quickly in that regard.

I know what I want and what I expect from my ideal woman or wife. But seems like these days its worse than a needle in a haystack..

lol, well I say that because my blog is my income so I spend the majority of my time online having discussions, writing, and promoting the site. Just as anyone would spend most of their time at a traditional job.

Seriously! I’m finally back in the dating scene after the ex asked for a divorce back in 2001 after 20 years of marriage. I spent the following years raising my girls and becoming the woman I am today. Now that I’ve started up at an on-line dating site, I’m taken aback at the lack of basic social skills and manners. It’s quite discouraging. I certainly don’t want some guy who’s dating several other women at the same time. I’m worth more than that. I’m not talking about the first time getting together. I’m talking about thinking there is a relationship and then finding out I’m one of many. It would be great if certain guys would state right up front that they’re players and not looking for commitment. It takes real courage and fortitude in today’s dating scene.

Reblogged this on Chronicles of Christie and commented:
“Be honest, be real, and be yourself. You don’t have to be perfect to make her happy, you just have to be the man you said you were when you first met her.”
This article is nothing but the truth. I love how honest and real it is. He was able to put so many of my thoughts into words.

Great post.
It’s definitely true that dating has become a sort of grey area. Both men and women are getting it completely wrong as they are looking to social media to tell them everything there is to know about potential mates and then basing the relationship around inbox messages and snapchat! Doomed from the start.

If you want a laugh, check my post on The 10 Things Not To Do When Looking For Love from a women’s point of view = http://wp.me/p4gb0M-4h