Thursday, April 30, 2009

Washington, D.C.--Democrat leaders urged Speaker Nancy Pelosi to intercede after a congressional turf war erupted over congressional control of rackets in mortgages, Senate seats, and defense contracting.

Taxpayer money is being appropriated faster than bookies on the House Ways & Means Committee can process it, and their chairman, Rep. Charlie Rangel (D-NY), has been distracted by an ethics investigation regarding his failure to pay federal income taxes. The result is a rare breakdown in business as usual and a struggle for control over what scarce private funds remain in the economy.

The gangland rivalry began when Rep. Jesse Jackson (D-IL) called defense contracting “a dirty business” and threatened to divert lobbyist donations from a defense project in Rep. Jack Murtha’s (D-PA) district to Jackson’s Senate seat gambling operations in Chicago.

Rep. Murtha, a member of the House Appropriations Committee, struck back. The next day Jackson received a jackass’s ear in an inter-office envelope. “It was an appropriator message,” said a source. “It means your earmark sleeps with the donkeys at the bottom of the canyon.”

The situation escalated when Jackson found his Senate seat reduced to a smoldering pile by weapons the Pentagon had long rejected as unnecessary. And it reached a head when the loss of the Senate seat cost Senate Banking Committee Chairman Chris Dodd (D-CT) leverage in negotiations over a conference report involving housing bailout policies. Dodd retaliated, and Murtha saw his mortgage rate skyrocket.

The next day, Speaker Pelosi called an emergency meeting of the congressional families. According to sources, Pelosi told those assembled that “vengeance won’t bring your earmark back,” and she admonished them to maintain the peace, saying “There’s enough taxpayer money for everyone as long as we don’t draw unwanted attention.”

But attention became impossible to avoid as family members, for the first time, broke the “code of silence” -- a family agreement to keep secrets that was employed most recently in a federal criminal prosecution when the Justice Department refused to give exculpatory information to lawyers for Republican Senator Ted Stevens.

Since then, word has leaked that Dodd’s Connecticut and Washington, D.C. homes were refinanced to below-market rates by a mortgage company under the jurisdiction of his banking committee. Dodd has insisted he was unaware being on the company’s “V.I.P list” meant he was receiving special treatment, saying “V.I.P? I thought the gesture was in honor of my late godfather, Vespaciano Ignacio Pasquini.”

Dodd has also come under scrutiny for authoring a provision in the federal spending bill that allows bailed-out companies to pay huge bonuses while receiving taxpayer dollars. He expressed dismay at the popular uproar that followed, saying “This isn’t personal. It’s business. Or government. Or business controlled by government. Capiche?”

The latest controversy surfaced when family members began questioning whether Murtha, along with Reps. Jim Moran (D-VA) and Peter Viscosky (D-IN), had steered $250 million in defense appropriations to clients of the PMA Group and KSA Consulting, which employed Murtha’s brother Robert.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Washington, D.C.--Amidst a shrieking crowd, President Obama marked his 100th day in office with a spectacular surprise photo-op that brought many to tears, others to their knees, and still others to emergency psychiatric wards.

To celebrate the control he has achieved over vast swaths of America’s industrial policy during his first few months in office, the White House arranged an unannounced publicity event that included a fleet of giant excavation machinery that surrounded tourists and other visitors on the National Mall.

“We heard trumpets blare, and then a booming voice saying something about hope and change, and the coming of a new day,” said one pale eyewitness as she was carried in a stretcher to one of several waiting ambulances. “When I saw the angels, I thought this is the end.”

The angels -- Victoria’s Secret supermodels hanging from invisible wires – flanked the steps of the Lincoln Memorial as four of Obama’s cabinet members rode in on horseback, representing the Treasury, Transportation, Commerce, and Labor Departments.

Obama made his surprise entrance by running through seven large paper seals featuring the symbol used to mark construction projects funded by the massive federal spending bill enacted earlier this year.

Some nay-sayers said the Administration’s quest for the “perfect photo-op” may have gone too far this time, in the wake of another unannounced photo-op in which a plane used as a backup for Air Force One swooped low in the sky over New York, causing mass panic in Manhattan, which had been the target of terrorist attacks that killed 3,000 people in September, 2001.

By late afternoon, White House press secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters the Administration “regrets if some people interpreted the event as the Apocalypse.”

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Two years after U.S. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid declared the Iraq war "lost" and that “the surge is not accomplishing anything,” Iraqis celebrated the second anniversary of those wonderfully inept remarks.

In neighborhoods that 84% of Iraqis now say are safe, huge crowds gathered to cheer the inspiring lack of foresight demonstrated by the leader of the U.S. Senate. As 64% of Iraqis now say democracy is the best form of government and reject an Islamic state, and 75% of Iraqis now support their own security forces, even higher percentages now say Senator Reid laid a really, really big one two years ago.

“We cringe when we hear Reid’s statements,” said one jubilant Iraqi, “but it’s a good kind of cringe.”

Now that stores are thriving, a huge market has developed in merchandise commemorating Senator Reid’s now-defunct declaration, including a uniquely Iraqi version of the "Magic Eight Ball" that, when shaken, says only “Not What Senator Reid Said.”

Iraqi children filled the now-bustling streets, many blowing home-made horns painted to symbolize an empty head making meaningless noise. Parents held signs that read “Keep Reid Wrong.”

One Iraqi, hands in the air, said “We are blessed the United States Senate is led by a man who has proven to be so spectacularly wrong in his dire predictions. Were it not for his tremendous capacity for uninformed cynicism, we would not be celebrating today.”

Sunday, April 19, 2009

In February, U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder gave a speech in which he called America “a nation of cowards” because Americans did not concern themselves enough with issues of race. Now, a case currently under consideration by the U.S. Supreme Court highlights the need for public authorities to give race more attention.

That case involves Frank Ricci, a firefighter in New Haven, Connecticut, who earned a promotion to lieutenant in the city fire department. Ricci studied for 8 to 13 hours a day to prepare for the combined written and oral exam, spent more than $1,000 buying the books the city suggested as homework, and paid an acquaintance to read them onto audiotapes because Ricci is dyslexic and learns better by listening.

Ricci got one of the highest scores, and the city confirmed the test was unbiased. But of the top 15 scorers, 14 were white, one was Latino, and none were black. Consequently, city officials threw out the test scores and denied promotions to everyone because, they said, if the city did not promote firefighters in a racially proportionate manner, they could be subject to civil rights lawsuits.

The Obama Administration’s Justice Department has filed papers in the case supporting the city, stating it was justified in denying the promotions if the test had “gross exclusionary effects on minorities.”

Now, local officials around the country are considering building on that civil rights agenda by disbanding their fire departments entirely until fires destroy a racially proportionate number of houses.

“Beyond hiring policies, we’re concerned that fires aren’t destroying houses in a way that strictly reflects the race of home dwellers,” said one local fire chief, “so we may have to suspend fire protection services until we see more diversity in home combustion.” Another fire official added that, in her community, “the statistics show we need to wait until three more Asian and two more Latino homes are razed" until services resume.

Local police officials have said they were also considering limiting patrols until they see a rise or fall in crimes in certain ethnic neighborhoods.

States have begun to hire diversity consultants to recommend how they can encourage greater racial parity in misfortunes. Recommended options include helping to “spread the tragedy around” by requiring those who score high on tests that demonstrate their effectiveness in combating crime and promoting safety to take such tests again under hornet's nests, if their promotions would impair diversity goals.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Washington, D.C.--Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano issued a “threat assessment” report to state and local law enforcement officials yesterday, designed to make them aware of people who warrant monitoring by police. The report singles out veterans and those who oppose the Obama Administration’s policies on immigration, gun control, and abortion, as worthy of enhanced surveillance.

The report makes clear that DHS “has no specific information that domestic right wing terrorists are currently plotting acts of violence” and fails to mention a single “rightwing” organization, unlike reports issued in previous years that have listed multiple known terrorist groups and described their plans. Sources said that in making the most recent threat estimates, DHS was relying less on the vagaries of specific examples and more on "immutable laws" such as the axiom “pro-guns equals hate.”

The report appears to draw on the genetic theories of actress Janeane Garofalo, who said in a recent interview “I really believe that some people’s limbic brain dominates more than others. Our limbic brain controls all our emotions and it causes us to be irrational … I really believe that if a neuroscientist examined the brain of somebody who identified as a conservative, they would find it’s wired differently.” According to DHS sources, Garofalo’s theory of how genetically determined brain function is tied to dangerous political orientations could prove useful in, for example, “finding out who’s a rightwing eugenicist.”

The DHS report notes that rightwing extremists can include those who "are antagonistic toward the new presidential administration and its perceived stance on a range of issues, including immigration and citizenship.” One DHS official explained that “anyone who supports the enforcement of current immigration laws must be prone to authoritarianism.”

Regarding abortion, the report states that rightwing extremism “may include groups and individuals that are dedicated to a single issue, such as opposition to abortion.” It also states extremist groups include those that oppose “the expansion of social programs to minorities.” The inclusion of pro-life groups in the threat assessment was hailed by a representative of the birth control organization Planned Parenthood, who said “Finally, those who oppose abortion and minorities are being exposed as the hate mongers they are.” The representative made the statement at a ceremony in which Planned Parenthood presented its annual “Maggie Award,” named after the organization’s founder, Margaret Sanger, who created a “Negro Project” in 1939 that stated “Negroes still breed carelessly and disastrously, with the result that the increase among Negroes … is [in] that portion of the population least intelligent and fit.”

The DHS report also states that rightwing extremism can include groups known for “rejecting federal authority in favor of state or local authority,” calling to mind notorious extremists in American history, such as James Madison and Thomas Jefferson, who led a revolution to create a Constitution that placed strict limits on the power of the federal government.

The guidance to local law enforcement also reminds them that “Returning veterans possess combat skills and experience that are attractive to rightwing extremists.” DHS sources added that, beyond their combat training, returning veterans might have become more keenly dedicated to protecting individual rights and personal freedom during the course of their service, which could prove useful to those opposed to some Administration programs.

Finally, the report notes that “Proposed imposition of firearms restrictions and weapons bans likely would attract new members into the ranks of rightwing extremist groups.” Howard Dean, the former head of the Democratic National Committee who was endorsed repeatedly by the National Rifle Association, declined comment.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Washington, D.C.—Officials gathered in Washington yesterday to announce retail sales had dropped sharply in March and wholesale prices fell steeply amidst an incredibly cuddly ball of soft fur. Both pieces of data, just released by the government, underscored the absolutely adorable slog the nation faces to emerge from its deep recession. The stock market fell 2 percent, followed by the cutest little tail and an absolutely priceless bout with a chew toy. The Chairman of the Federal Reserve seemed almost at a loss for words in summing up the significance of the current situation, saying only “Portuguese … water … dog.”

Saturday, April 11, 2009

While the Earth is currently undergoing a cooling period that computer models failed to predict, President Obama’s science advisor said yesterday the White House was already considering radical means for artificially altering the earth’s climate to prevent global warming.

Saying “we don’t have the luxury of ruling any approach off the table,” adviser John Holdron compared global warming to being “in a car with bad brakes driving toward a cliff in the fog,” except the brakes might not be bad, the cliff might not exist, the fog is a product of flawed climate change models that have failed to predict actual recorded temperatures in recent decades, and acting on such an apocalyptic analogy could actually result in said apocalypse.

Holdron outlined the following possible “geoengineering” options:

-- Creating artificial volcanoes that shoot sulfer particles into the upper atmosphere to reflect the sun’s rays. When asked where such volcanoes should be put, Holdron said that since any efforts on the part of industrialized nations to cut carbon emissions would be pointless unless undeveloped countries were prohibited from industrializing and increasing their quality of life, “we might as well put them all in the poorest parts of Africa.”

-- Building a giant tanning platform in the stratosphere where Hollywood celebrities would sunbath under giant metallic ultraviolet ray reflectors. “Aston Kutcher and Demi Moore have already pledged their fealty to President Obama,” said Holdron, “so they’re first on the list.”

-- Stationing groups of easily manipulable children across the globe who would “sing for change.” Holdron said “Such singing could scare flocks of birds and other flying animals aloft to block large swaths of harmful rays.”

Holdron admitted that international negotiations regarding what the ideal Earth temperature should be "might prove a bit difficult" in light of deep cultural and economic differences. For example, he expected European countries to "insist the temperature remain suitable for Speedos year-round."

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

President Barack Obama returned to the U.S. yesterday following his first multilateral meetings in London, Strasbourg, and Prague. Proclaiming success at the end of negotiations, Obama pointed to what he described as a “pretty sweet t-shirt, made of a linen and cotton blend, not the cheap kind you find at retail chains that fade after a couple washes.” The t-shirt appeared to have a piece of paper taped on the back, which Administration officials promptly removed.

Obama led the international negotiations by apologizing profusely for past American behavior dating back to its use of the atomic bomb, which ended World War II. In return, Western European countries agreed not to complicate Obama’s military buildup in Afghanistan by contributing their own troops to the effort, which, they said, “would only make the logistics of retreat more cumbersome.”

While French President Nicolas Sarkozy and German Chancellor Angela Merkel achieved concessions by declaring their respective positions “nonnegotiable” and “not a bargaining chip,” an adoring Europe appreciated what they described as Obama’s unique and refreshing approach to the the talks. As one foreign official said, “He would often stand silently, but confidently, with a book tucked under one arm.” The book, according to Administration sources, was titled “Getting to Maybe.”

When Obama was asked his reaction to North Korea’s launch of a missile-ready rocket at about the same time he delivered his speech urging “a strong international response” to that country’s quest for nuclear weapons, the President indicated the launch was a positive result of his remarks. “I want North Korea to be able to dispose of any such arsenal as quickly as possible,” he said, “and what quicker means of disposal than long-range propulsion technology?” The next day, the Administration announced large reductions in U.S. missile defense.

Obama also agreed to start negotiations with Russia to reduce the number of nuclear weapons in the two countries. Obama was asked why the U.S. made such an agreement when Russian nuclear stockpiles are deteriorating rapidly anway, and why Iran -- whose nuclear program poses a much greater threat to world security -- was not linked to the negotiations. The President explained that while Iran was coming dangerously close to a nuclear capability, it “didn’t yet have the technology to produce a decent t-shirt for bargaining purposes.”

Friday, April 3, 2009

In recent weeks, President Obama’s Administration has instituted new rules regarding the use of language in official federal government communications. The program, in the words of Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano, is designed to show “we want to move away from a politics of fear.”

To that end, official government statements have replaced the phrase “war on terror” with “overseas contingency operations,” and the term “terrorism” with “man-caused disasters.”

Critics ridiculed the changes. But intelligence officials announced yesterday they had solid evidence the new language policies were yielding concrete results.

“Years ago,” an intelligence spokesperson told reporters, “we discovered an al-Qaida training document in England that contained extensive descriptions of how to wage war against infidels.” He then described how intelligence agents, just last week, intercepted a new edition of the same training manual that contains no such descriptions. Instead, encouraged officials said, the new manual indicates an entirely new direction for terrorist organizations.

The spokesperson said the new manual contains an updated chapter on style and usage that disfavors references to “beheading” infidels. “Instead,” he said, “the manual recommends inducing ‘cerebral separation anxiety,’” which, he added, “sounds a heckuvalot better to us.”

The officials also noted that nowhere in the new manual is there any reference to the goal of inflicting mass casualties. “Rather, what we see in the new manual is an emphasis on the production of something called ‘body confetti.’" While acknowledging that precise translation is always difficult, the spokesman said, "we’re feeling a lot warmer and fuzzier about that prospect.”

The new style manual also appears to pick up on Secretary Napolitano’s use of the term “man-caused disasters” by referring to its reading audience as “man-causes” rather than “terrorists.” The manual even includes a chapter on fashion that encourages "man-causes" to carry explosives in “manbags” instead of backpacks, adding manbags “have longer straps, are lighter on the shoulder, and more conducive to good posture.”