Holabird Advocate

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Friday, June 29, 2007

But I loosened the lid on the jar first!

by Jauhn Hinkle

I may not get anything actually done this break, Half way through it, still plinking on the email and watching 2 wiener dogs sleep, but I'll always have this, my daughter learned to ride a bike a week ago, and I didn't have to go to jail!Last Wednesday at the CV RV park Jianni was complaining about how crappy hertraining wheels were as all the kids raced around her. Grandma Lucy thought that if Papa wasn't going to fix her old training wheels (which I did about 14 times already), that she'd just get her a new bike for Christmas,well....same problem...as I told her and my wife, "training wheels are meant for LITTLE KIDS!!! Little kids who weigh about 20 lb.s, not 50!" So everytime she rode, she'd lean to one side, bend the training wheels, blame the bike, blame the dad, vicious cycle. So I told her, go see if Uncle Matt can fix them. He added more muscle to the metal, but they bent just the same. Before abdicating all my fathering to someone else I grabbed the wrench, ripped off the training wheels and threw them in the RV trash can. For extra effect, I said, "say goodbye to those, you're going to LEARN how toride a bike today!!!!" Jianni got pie eyed and began to resist but Jenniferwas at work, all the "adults" were gone, so I put her on the newly liberatedbike and began to push. I seemed to remember something about momentum beingkey, so I just pushed and pushed. Jianni resisted, she screamed "help me,help me, somebody anybody help me, help me Uncle Matt, Help me!" and a hundred different combinations of "my father is going to kiiiiiiiiiillllllll meeeeee!" She figured out how to use the brakes, so I pushed even harderand left a tire skid mark over 17 yards long. There were 8 lanes of RV park and I was determined to lap each one of them, except Jianni was crying soloud and hard that she started to hyperventilate, and then her tears blockedher vision and matted her hair to her face, and then around the 2nd lane older folks started to come out of their trailers at the sound of this little girl screaming for help. I didn't think about what that must havesounded like, but I didn't care much by then, I felt like I was actuallygoing to die by the 6th lane, I guess I hadn't run for any sustained time in a while. An entourage of 6 to 11 year olds began to chase us on theirbikes, yelling their support, things like, "keep your eyes on the road, noton your feet, the bike goes where your eyes go, you've got it now!" and allthe stuff I'd forgot to say and could not find the breath to attemptanyways. More adults came out, some clapped, some looked worried, but by the 7th lane Jianni had 30 seconds of hands free riding. I stumbled to one knee, a lane short of my goal, Jianni crashed into a bush and cursed myname, then ran into Aunt Theresea's RV to hide. My pace car pedallers stopped to see what I was going to do for an encore but I just stumbled overto the Classy looking 1978 Airstream and opened the cooler and proclaimedloud enough for her and everyone else to hear, "we're going to do that 4 times everyday until you get it, got that Jianni!?!" But by the end of thatfrosty beverage, I knew I was done. Over. My legacy was 7 laps of fathering that will be one more check list on some future therapists to-dolist.BUT The next day, Sweet Auntie Theresea told Jianni that she would take her out and show her how to ride that bike without all the tears. Ten minutes later, so loud was the applause that you'd have thought Dale Earnhardt had risen from the dead to take a victory lap around that 8th lane of the CVRV park. The photo is what they were cheering for. Enjoy.

But sometimes life is like a limbo game, "how low can you go?"The only rejoinder to any of this is the very next day I tried to take everyone sailing on the 14' Lazer. It had been out in the weather for...oh,about 8 years, and I thought I'd just give it a little wet test first on the bayside of the park with all the kids waiting to get on. Well, about 15 minutes into it, screws start to pull out, ropes break, rudders fall off, my tiller comes loose, I was beached for repairs while all my nephew's kids looked on, shivered and wondered,"I thought we were going to sail today Uncle Jauhn?!?" So, I grabbed my Great Niece Devin's Pink bike with a nice banana seat and took off for the marina repair shop. Almost immediately my flip flop snapped off on the ground, because my feet were too big for the lowered cranks, took off a piece of my toe nail with it. At the "marina store" I found 2 screws and a sheet cleat that would hold her together in my estimation, but....I was in my swimming suit, "uh sir, you'renot going to believe this, but I uh, don't have my wallet with me...I don't suppose you'd, you know...?" So... I rode back to get some money. This time riding through the park I seemy Principal (Perez) driving by, pretty weird coincidence, no? But I waveand quip, "coming to take a ride on my sail boat are ya?" He looked twice in disbelief, pointed South and mumbled something while quickly driving on.I returned to the Boutique Marina Store, you know the kind, a Jolly Roger Lladro collection right next to the Precious Moments figurines trying tohoist a sale on a bathtub, the kind more suited for blue hairs and snowbirds than actual Seafaring Folk. So I proudly offered up my $2.47 in ashtray change on the big man's counter for the essential parts and remembered,"uh...the old screw was a flat head, this is Phillips, uh you don¹t' happento have a Phillips, uh...to, uh...? Never mind! "So I rode back a third time, now only quicker, but focused on my throbbingright toe, I dropped the left one too low, snapping off my other Land's Endpurple-translucent-rubber flip flop. Except now I'm breaking the sweat of a 7 lane cardiovascular champion, with his toes bleeding and flip flops flapping on the cement like playing cards stuck in the back spokes of abike for that really cool, but slow, "Wheel of Fortune" sound effect...But this time riding back through the park I get this really weird feeling,this feeling like..."hey, all of those people over there at the big picniclook really familiar, hey, aren't those...?"And then someone figured it out before I had a chance. "Hey, look, isn't that Hinkle?It is! Hey Hinkle, what are YOU doing here!?!" HEY HINKLE!!! I had stumbled, or pedaled, into the year-end SUHSD administrative picnic. People I used to work with as an Asst. Principal, peers who used to shadow ME for tips who are now PRINCIPALS themselves, people who know better than to ride a two sizes too small pink girls bike with a banana seat where yourknees come up to your chin when you pedal, in your wet clothes and broken flip-flops, with a Phillips screw driver in hand and a little baggy full of God knows what in it, and bleeding, like....maybe there was still some bottom left for old Hinkle to hit, some small shred of dignity left to jettison during his final descent... people like that, that you don't want to see when you look like a mediocre meth. dealer doing a miracle mile.I waved and kept pedaling, "ha-ha, yeah, it's me, just helping someone fix their sailboat down there, you know, doing what I can for them, see you later, bye!"

I really don't want to go back to school this year.

Shop at Sears:Read below and you will see why......................Submitted by Sandy Soulek

Have you seen the reports about how Sears is treating its reservist employees who are called up to duty? By law, they are required to hold their jobs open and available, but nothing more. Usually, people take a big pay cut and lose benefits as a result of being called up...Sears is voluntarily paying the difference in salaries and maintaining all benefits, including medical insurance and bonus programs, for all called up reservist employees for up to two years. I submit that Sears is an exemplary corporate citizen and should be recognized for its contribution. I suggest we all shop at Sears, and be sure to find a manager to tell them why we are there so the company gets the positive reinforcement it well deserves.

So I decided to check it out before I sent it forward. I sent the following email to the Sears Customer Service Department: received this email and I would like to know if it is true. If it is, the Internet may have just become one very good source of advertisement for your store. I know I would go out of my way to buy products from Sears instead of another store for a like item even if it was cheaper at the other store. Here is their answer to my email....................

Dear Customer: Thank you for contacting Sears The information is factual. We appreciate your positive feedback. Sears regards service to our country as one of greatest sacrifices our young men and women can make.

We are happy to do our part to lessen the burden they bear at this time.

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.The two most important events in all history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.Some men spen t their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girliemen.Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.Mo dern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, home interior designers, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals.Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives wh o own companies hire other conservatives who want to actually work for a living.Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.