This week sees two new posters for Guillermo Del Toro’s Pacific Rim, including this one for the Chinese “jaeger,” Crimson Typhoon. So basically, we can infer that each country has poured their respective resources into separate, nationally-sponsored giant robots. Just like Robot Jox. Only in this case, instead of fighting each other, the robots fight a giant Godzilla monster. This synopsis is truly everything I could ever want or hope for in a movie.

And here’s the Russian robot, Cherno Alpha. In place of the Chinese bot’s spinny claw, this one seems to have a giant, spring-loaded fist.

“What if this time, the giant robots are also hot lesbians?” -My pitch for Pacific Rim 2

“Could there be a… scissoring function?” -Intrigued studio exec

Entertainment Weekly today posted the teaser for Steven Soderbergh’s Behind the Candelabra, starring Michael Douglas as Liberace. The teaser is non-embeddable, unfortunately, but Vulture did create this animation, and I think it’s safe to say that this looks faaaaabulous. Oh, and don’t you worry, bros, he has more capes where that one came from.

It’s called The American Ghandi, but everyone in it seems to be Indian. Also, I always thought Martin Luther King was the American Ghandi. And is James Patrick Stuart the store-brand, hydrox version of Patrick Stewart? This poster raises more questions than it answers, frankly.

Oh, poster, you had me at “Colin Firth wearing different shirts.”

I wonder if Colin Firth ever lines up for stuff, then gets to the front and points to himself with his thumbs, shouting “Hey, check it out, Firth in line!” I think that would be a neat joke.

First there was Olympus Has Fallen, then there was White House Down, and now we’ve got Uwe Boll’s Assault on Wall Street. I like to call it “The Tattered Flag Trilogy.”

Serious question: Uwe Boll’s movies are someone’s tax write-off, right? There is no other explanation.

As a comedian, I have mixed feelings about the “healing power of humor.” I believe in the phenomenon, obviously, but acknowledging it in a serious way feels hypocritical somehow. Also, I wish “Comedy Warriors” was about an army of screaming comedians, storming the beaches with breakdowns of popular commercials, slaughtering innocent civilians with women-be-shopping jokes, pillaging villages with if-that-was-a-sista-it-woulda-gone-down-like-this. TRY THE VEAL, YOU SON OF A BITCH!

Here’s that “based on a true story” haunted house movie. “Based on the true case files of the warrens.” So… let me get this straight, as long as you have a crazy person’s ridiculous ghost story set down in a case file, you can make a movie about that and call it “based on the true case files?” That seems like… a misplaced modifier, at the very least.

I like the poster though. Subtle. I didn’t even notice that shadow until I was five minutes into bitching about the tagline.

I still don’t know what Epic is about – it’s got a bad case of the too-vague titles – but I do like the idea of Christoph Waltz with a boar on his head. That’s a winner right there.

You know what tagline would really sell this poster? “Starring Richard Gere.”

You know, considering they’ve made four Bourne movies already, that last of which didn’t even have Bourne in it,

Attempt to capitalize on “Thor” backfires somewhat when not allowed to use “Thor” in title.

Killing is Addictive, and so is cocaine, the Whitney Houston story. Sorry, sorry, bad bathtub joke. Here’s the rundown:

After narrowly escaping with her life at the hands of her mentally ill sister Veronica, Monica, with the help of her Mother, Marion, has taken great measures to ensure her safety, including changing her face and relocating to the South. Six years has past and now she finally believes she is safe from Veronica. Little does she know that death and betrayal still await her and her friends on the eve of her wedding at a southern plantation house rumored to be haunted by 13 murdered slaves. This time no one is safe and everyone is a suspect as killing becomes addictive.

And no point does that synopsis answer the question on everyone’s mind, which is “why the hell is a horror movie called ‘Holla’?” What’s the follow up, You Go Girl: A Story of Rape and Murder? It’s… confusing.

Also, I really think something is wrong with our fonts when Ls, lower-case Is, and roman numerals are indistinguishable from each other. There oughta be a law.

I had to flip this poster around:

This one’s a thinker.

Here’s Jennifer Lawrence with big ol’ hair, supposedly on the set of David O. Russell’s next movie, which, last I heard, might not even be happening. I don’t know how that makes any sense either, I just know that Jennifer Lawrence with tousled sex hair makes me think naughty things. Well, helps me think naughty things, anyway.

I don’t know if the same designer did the posters for Kick-Ass one and two, but whoever did them deserves a raise. It’s pretty impressive when Jim Carrey’s last two movies were Mr. Popper’s Penguins and Burt Wonderstone, and a poster can still make me think “Jim Carrey?! Hell yeah!”

All I can think of right now is the “big vagina” episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. I’m terrible.

He’s wearing a letterman jacket with no pants! Donald Ducking, as we like to call it. This totally reminds me of the time we chiefed Mexican Dave after he had too many hooch-chatas at Cinco De Marcho and showed up to his little sister’s Quinceañera with a penis drawn on his face. His pops took away his Benz for a whole semester. Ha, college was so rad, bro.

You could anthropomorphize literally anything and kids would love it. This summer! Pixar presents… Tractors! Kids are stupid.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a disclaimer that long on a poster before. They should’ve billed it as “the movie that made Armond White call us nerds no less than seven times.”

Well… it’s not a haunted house or a creepy little kid, I’ll give it that.

Lily Collins looks like she would smell really nice.

FINALLY we’ve got some posters for White House Down. You know we’re going to have some fun with these.

“Come in, Pit Breezy, it’s Poppa Bear, do you copy? All quiet up in this steez, over.”

The “American Gandhi” seems like it’s a slam-mother-fuckin’-dunk for a WWE heel. He could make his own clothing, talk about issues concerning the developing world, and then Triple H could kick him square in the dick.

That goose-stepping communist pussy who, if there were a God, Werner Herzog would’ve long ago skinned alive to make into a pair of slippers for when he takes the trash out—He still refuses to acknowledge that you took him up on his offer to fight a critic, right? So he just beat up that one fat fuck instead of actually facing down someone who knows how to beat up someone.

I have to admit, the problem I have with the C-Tates movie is that it looks like not only does he have to rescue President Jamie Foxx (Ugh), but then they have to break back into the White House to stop some macguffin on a timer from blowing up the world or something.

I don’t know. I’d be much happier if it were just a straight Die Hard in the White House movie. He’s even wearing the same wifebeater McClane wore in Die Hard (but with tactical belt with enough pockets to give Rob Liefeld and Jim Lee wet dreams).

Is it just me or does the Hammer of Gods dude kinda look…I don’t know kind of skinny. Maybe it’s just the angle or something but he looks closer to some freak from Silent Hill then to a medieval warrior

So I’ve been wondering this for a while, since I guess I missed the early days of the C-Tates love on FilmDrunk: Vince, do you actually like C-Tates, do you just enjoy the ridiculousness of his career and ascension, or is it just dedicating trolling?

03.29.13 at 6:22 pm

Vince Mancini

It started sarcastically but turned genuine somewhere between 21 Jump Street and Magic Mike.