Adopting Abi, A 6-Year-Old Ethiopian Boy

Adopting Abi was the most challenging thing we've ever done, but at the same time the most significant, life-enhancing and rewarding.

Although we had been blessed with four children, my husband Jay and I always felt as though our family was not quite finished. After several disappointing miscarriages, we seriously considered fostering or adopting a child, but nothing ever worked out. All too soon it seemed our kids had grown and flown away, to school or jobs, throughout the country. But Jay and I didn't feel ready for an empty nest yet. We found the sudden silence of our empty home oppressive, missing the vibrancy, noise, laughter and chaos that children only can provide.

Looking and feeling far younger than our years, we believed we still had the ability to parent one more child. We began to seriously consider adopting, spending two years researching the entire process. We discovered an online support group for people like us called GAARP - Gracefully Aging Adoptive Refined Parents, described as “a forum for adoptive or would-be adoptive parents over the age of 40, who plan to be adoptive parenting into their silver and golden years.” With over 2000 members, we felt reassured we weren’t alone in this unconventional venture, despite the skeptical reaction of some family members and friends.

The minute we saw a photo of Abi's cute little face, with two missing front teeth, we felt he was meant to be our new son.

After the intensive research process, we finally found an ethical adoption agency whose main goal was to find families for older children, not only the healthy baby girls most people wanted. They sent their social worker to meet us and conduct our home study. We were approved and decided to adopt a six-year-old Ethiopian boy named Abi. The minute we saw a photo of his cute little face, with two missing front teeth, we felt he was meant to be our new son.

Our adoption journey was lengthy, involving complicated paperwork and one frustrating delay after another. Did we have any doubts along the way? Yes, definitely. Jay and I talked for hours. Were we truly making the right decision at this point in our lives? One friend tried to persuade us to shelve the whole idea, suggesting that at our age we should consider a relaxing ocean cruise instead. Yet, despite our doubts and fears, we felt compelled to continue the process. I knew, come what may, if we did not adopt Abi, we would always regret it.

My lifeline/support group consisted of other families who had adopted older children. These families were from different backgrounds but they all believed their adopted children were destined by God to be theirs. Our emails flew back and forth late into the night, my anxious questions receiving reassuring answers that only those who had been there, done that, could possibly provide. At last our long roller-coaster journey came to an end. The adoption was finalized and one bright afternoon, we met Abi, hugged him and knew he was ours. Our doubts and fears began to melt away in the warm sunshine.

A Different Life

Life was very different from then on, both for him and us. Older adopted children come with baggage from their pasts and Abi was no exception. Adopting him was certainly the most challenging, emotionally stressful thing we have ever done but at the same time the most significant, life-enhancing and rewarding. There was so much for Abi to learn but he was bright and curious and we learned along with him as we bonded into a family.

People would often tell us what a great mitzvah we did by providing Abi with a loving home. We feel that he gave us a rare gift too, the opportunity to turn back the clock. Suddenly we felt like young parents again, attending PTA meetings and soccer games, helping with homework, reading bedtime stories, singing “Hamalach HaGoel” and “Shema Yisrael” together.

We weren’t sure if Abi was Jewish from birth but were informed he’d been circumcised at one week old. Since we wanted him to be fully accepted by our Orthodox community without question, we decided to have him undergo a halachic conversion. The first step of the process was the hatafat dam brit in the office of a doctor/mohel. The second step of the process – immersion in a mikvah – was far more enjoyable. Abi loved the mikvah – (hey, a small swimming pool!) – and felt disappointed he couldn’t splash around in it longer.

He soon grew accustomed to going to shul with us on Shabbat, participating in the kiddushafterward, even eating the traditional pickled herring with crackers. We enrolled him in the local Jewish school and soon he became more fluent in Hebrew than we were.

However, there were problems too. With so many changes to adjust to in a short space of time, Abi grew easily frustrated when he couldn’t get his way. He did make some friends but dealt aggressively with a few other boys he didn’t get along with. The school had a strict no-fighting policy so Abi had frequent ‘punishment’ days at home. After he picked up and threw a chair at a classmate, we were called into the principal’s office to see what could be done to help Abi. The principal herself was convinced he had ADHD and insisted that Ritalin was the answer. One of his teachers suggested taking him to a psychologist dealing with traumatized children. He gave Abi a battery of tests and recommended a medication to help him calm down and become less aggressive. He also started seeing a child therapist to cope with his past issues. She utilized both play and art therapy with him and it broke our hearts when she showed us a drawing Abi had made of his dimly-remembered birth mother, a woman with tears pouring down her face.

Thankfully, by the end of the school year, Abi’s aggressive behavior had greatly diminished and over the summer we weaned him off the medication, though he continued to see the therapist for another year.

People stared at us, a young, brown-skinned boy with a white couple old enough to be his grandparents. But Abi, a good-looking, captivating child, gradually became an accepted part of our community.

We soon realized that people tended to stare at us, a young, brown-skinned boy with a white couple old enough to be his grandparents. But Abi, a good-looking, captivating child, gradually became an accepted part of our community. Jay and I learned to march to a different drummer as a conspicuous, interracial family, becoming more aware and sensitive towards racism.

Visiting an Ethiopian shul to celebrate the arrival of a new sefer Torah to their community, Jay and I realized what it felt like to be a minority, the only white people within a large group of Ethiopians.

Abi himself quickly learned to deal with racial slurs. When a boy called him a ‘kushi’ (a derogatory term for an Ethiopian) Abi immediately responded, “And you are cottage cheese!”

Sometimes we saw a bit of humor in the situation too. Once when we were discussing healthy food choices, I pointed out that brown bread and brown rice were healthier than white bread and white rice. “I’m brown so I’m healthier too!” Abi pointed out with a grin.

Just as Abi has grown accustomed to our culture, we try to incorporate some elements of his into our lives. We have become friendly with two sweet Ethiopian sisters in our neighborhood. I learned to cook Ethiopian food (thanks to youtube videos) though I still draw the line at eating berbere, a fiery spice similar to jalapeno peppers. When Abi was old enough to understand, we told him about the 2,500-year old dream of Ethiopian Jews to return to Israel, their bravery to undertake that long difficult journey and their fervent belief the Temple was still standing in Jerusalem.

One sunny afternoon Abi and I were walking past a dumpster on our street when he noticed a huge teddy bear perched on top of it. His brown eyes went wide. "Who threw away this nice bear?" he asked, shocked.

"Maybe the kid who owned him doesn't want a teddy bear anymore since he’s all grown up,” I suggested.

"So why don’t his mom and dad adopt a new kid like you and Daddy adopted me?”

For a moment I felt stunned. Abi is well aware of the fact that he is our second-time-around child but we’d no idea how normal a process he thinks this is. We rescued the teddy bear, perfectly clean and in great shape. Perhaps on some level Abi identified with it. Someone else no longer wanted it, but he sure did! Though it’s a huge bear, taking up a lot of space in his bed, he sleeps with it every night. It’s exactly the right size to fill his heart, just as Abi has filled ours.

With all the negativity in the world today, it's such a pleasure to read such an uplifting, warm, beautiful article about a loving couple who did a huge mitzvah, especially because it came from their hearts!

(19)
Anonymous,
August 23, 2019 7:20 PM

Not acepting our daughter as Jewish by the Rabbis in our community for Jewish schools

Nice and loving. I present another side of this issue of adoption to Judaism. We raised our daughter from the first week of life to be fully Jewish a rabbi gave us a Beth din to convert our daughter tat many seem to not acknowledge as a viable functional Beth din (Jewish Court of three Rabbis) two Yeshiva University rabbis and one Satmar who taught at a conservative yeshiva. Still our daughter writes and reads and studies Torah and most every yeshiva wont take her because its not what they call an acceptable Bteh Din, she is also brown skinned. I believe most are simply prejudiced as testing her on the Torah and kosher laws showed clearly that she is a good caring loving Jew. This is a tragic situation effectively placing our daughter in isolation form other Jews and from the other nations due to her Jewishness.

Daniel,
August 23, 2019 8:27 PM

Explanation

There are many bait din that are practically universally accepted. It is very important to make sure to use a Bait Din which is universally recognized and accepted By all for their conversion process. The reason this is so important is because if the bait din one uses is not acceptable to others, then they will not view that convert as being Jewish, who cannot partake in Jewish life. Aside from reform and conservative conversions which typically have no validity at all, with the convert remaining a gentile, there are also some fringe bait din who do not follow the mainstream requirements for conversion and therefore many will not accept.

Anonymous,
August 25, 2019 3:52 PM

Do it over with...

If the Bais Din is a problem, do it over with a more widely recognized Bais Din (possibly due to the fact that it included a Conservative rabbi). Even totally Caucasian gerim have things like this happen and redo their conversions. It is like the Bais Din that is the problem and not race. You might try the list of American-based Bais Dinim recognized by the Cheif Rabbi of Israel. -From personal experience.

(18)
DAVID,
August 23, 2019 1:19 PM

Beautiful... but troubling

Why is a Jewish child ever subjected to racial abuse by a fellow Jew? We're supposed to be one nation-- there can be absolutely no room for this kind of shameful attitude, and I hope it was dealt with by the school.

(17)
Phil,
August 23, 2019 1:41 AM

Love these adoption stories

Such a beautiful story. For those who can't get enough of Aish's adoption stories, check out this one: https://www.aish.com/jw/s/Adopting-Ilana.html

(16)
Mabel Misberg,
August 21, 2019 10:17 PM

This article shoks my heart

I am from Argentina ,Buenos Aires .After four years of trying to be pregnant without any result ,,and doctors told us it will be impossible to be pregnant . So we could adopt a nice boy ,,he was left by his parents ,,he was 24 hours life when we have it ..what a nice gift !!!he is now a man ,while I had him (Gustavo) I got my pregnancy ,,two nice boys nine month between them ..Both Jewish and one of them ortodox jes

(15)
dvora waysman,
August 21, 2019 9:02 AM

I am an Israeli author of 14 novels

This is a very inspiring story. I admire Abi's new parents and the challenge they undertook to faise him. They are doing an act of "Tikkun olam" and may they be blessed for it.

(14)
Lois Feinberg,
August 21, 2019 1:05 AM

Happy for the family

I only wish that the mother could know how lucky her son became. I do feel sorry for her.

(13)
Aura Sendsul Sadeh,
August 20, 2019 8:58 PM

You are such wonderful, giving people with big hearts. God bless you for your wonderful deed.

(12)
Kathy L,
August 20, 2019 7:17 PM

Beautifully written story filled with honesty, hope

Much mazel to this beautiful family!

(11)
K.H. Ryesky,
August 20, 2019 5:44 PM

Are the schools with the program?

Kol HaKavod to you!

I hope that some of the schools that are notorious for excluding children who do not "fit in with" their cookie-cutter background requirements will begin to realize the need to teach their pupils -- by example as well as by word -- the unity and diversity of the Jewish people.

(10)
miriam Cohen,
August 20, 2019 5:31 PM

Up lifting article

Really nice to know that there are still good people out there. Our rabbis say if you save one person, it is as if you have saved a world. Good luck to Abi and his parents.

(9)
Ed Zarabi,
August 20, 2019 5:11 PM

Teddy Bear.

That part touched my heart the most!!!

(8)
Anonymous,
August 20, 2019 5:10 PM

Twenty eight years after adopting an older child

I appreciated the article. Our experience was similar in many ways, including the fun of splashing I the Mikva. Our son has finished college and law school. He still has rough edges and his path has not been smooth, but he has surpassed our expectations and he is planning to be married in a year to a lovely woman. His Jewish identity is solid. I'm available to talk any time.

(7)
Steve,
August 20, 2019 5:06 PM

Enjoyed the article very much.

Something I wish I could do.

(6)
Anonymous,
August 20, 2019 4:18 PM

Mazal Tov!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mazal Tov!!! So much MORE is to come! Based on my own experience, try to be in touch with other families more or less like yours. There are plenty in the Jewish/frum community. Yours should only turn out half as good as mine did; and they have given me 9 wonderful grandchildren, too!

(5)
Betty Kaplan,
August 20, 2019 4:11 PM

This article was very moving

I was very touched by this beautiful adoption story.

(4)
Ra'anan,
August 20, 2019 3:22 PM

Israel

I teach in an inner-city school in Israel and take pleasure in watching French and Russians and Ethiopians and native Israelis studying, playing, praying and growing together. One of our students is Ethiopian adopted by American Ashkenazim. We are many communities of one holy people.

Ben-Zion Ahava,
August 20, 2019 5:12 PM

Remembering

Reading your post reminded me on my last trip to Israel. I was on a bus in Tel Aviv and there was a square we were going through and there were little school age kids Ethiopians, Ashkenazi and I’m guessing Sephardic playing together. It was the most beautiful thing. I thought if the only the rest of the world could see this and take notes.

(3)
Rivky,
August 20, 2019 2:56 PM

Beautiful story!!

What a heart touching story! Abi is a lucky boy to have such wonderful and generous parents!

(2)
Anonymous,
August 20, 2019 2:43 PM

Thank you for sharing this beautiful story.

I too am from a mixed race background. While I'm not orthodox, I do have first had experience with the unfriendly stares when visiting an Orthodox Synagogue. I felt so unwelcomed that I did not go back.

Anonymous,
August 22, 2019 4:17 PM

Could the stares...

Is it at all possible that at least some of the "stares" were curiosity because you, due to your manner of dress or obvious uncertainty about what to do, appeared to not be "Orthodox," and not because of your "race?" Before I became observant, My forays into Orthodox shuls were often met with stares- and I was born Jewish of totally Eastern European descent! Everything is not always because of race... perhaps you who are not comfortable with yourself. That can be changed with the right kind of help.

(1)
Anonymous,
August 18, 2019 4:55 PM

Thank you

What a wonderful story to share !Parents and child may all continue to be blessed! How old were you guys?I have had similar thoughts.