The Only Thing That Matters Right Now is Oprah's Farewell Spectacular

20,000 Oprah Winfrey zealots filled Chicago's United Center on Tuesday night for the taping of a two-part farewell spectacular that will air on May 23rd and 24th. It was billed as a "night of surprises," but, like Oprah, I hate surprises. So here's a list of everyone who showed up, as exhaustively docutweeted by The Hollywood Reporter:

The show began with ubiquitous chart-nuisance will.i.am singing, "I Gotta Feeling."

Tom Hanks emerged to host the first hour, comparing Oprah to his two greatest loves, outer space and World War II.

Tom Cruise came out and jumped on Oprah over and over again.

Patti LaBelle and Josh Groban dueted on "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," answering the question, "What will I not be downloading immediately on iTunes?"

Then Madonna trotted out, and proceeded to mummify the guest of honor in a giant spool of red string, a kabbalistic ritual she says "always brings her luck."