The way it works is that it is so giant and irritating, that the entire time you are wearing it you are distracted from anything that might give you anxiety, intimidate you, or make you feel less-than.

You will never wonder if people are judging you or looking at you weird, because they are.

But you get to decide what for.

hanging out with Diana. I am the subtle one, incase you were confused.

A few times a month, someone with similar beat-of-own-drum-in-head-issues emails me and asks where she can acquire her own suit of armor… but I got the pearls years ago at a store that was going out of business and I’ve never seen anything that large again, or I would have bought more so that I could be extra invincible, (and make matching earrings.)

But on a recent trip to the craft store, it was revealed to me that what I thought were giant pearls… are actually VASE FILLER.

I have been wearing a wedding reception from 1980 around my neck.

I went and got a cart because:
A— you can never have too much vase filler.
B—much like Diana Vreeland, I am a fashion visionary.
C—the raccoon shrieked and clapped and clawed at my brain insisting: BUY THEM ALL.

If you buy beads at your craft store, don’t forget to look online for a coupon… they can scan it right off your phone in the store. If you buy them online, be sure you don’t get the mixed colors. (Unless you’re fancy like that.)

If you are wondering why I didn’t use the largest bead? (I too am wondering this.) At the time, proportion between the back and front seemed important and the pearl studs I had on hand balanced out best with the middle-size bead… If I can find some larger studs, I’ll make another set. (I say that casually, as though I have not spent the last 48 hours doing nothing but searching fruitlessly for EXTRA GIANT pearl studs… because, let’s be honest– these really aren’t big enough.)

I googled DIY Dior double-pearl earrings (because you do not have to figure out anything for yourself anymore,) and the most popular tutorial involves just gluing a rubber earring-back into the hole.

I tried that first, but all of the tutorials used a fairly small pearl bead… I’m using a larger size and the rubber back didn’t feel secure. It held, but I kept fiddling with them and pushing them tighter because I could feel the connection loosening up.

Luckily I live with someone who is legally obligated to resolve these sorts of issues for me.

Paul has actually changed my definition of what a real man is: someone who is able to INSTANTLY transform plastic beads into EXACTLY what I want at this very moment… LIKE MAGIC. (Which is my favorite way to accomplish anything.)

If you cannot turn giant plastic beads into earrings, I am sorry to say, you are no man at all.

Paul widened the hole with a small Dremel tip… just enough to epoxy in a metal earring-back. (If you do it this way, be sure you run a wire through to clear away any glue blocking the connection.) This felt a lot more secure– I can feel the earring-post clip into the backing and I have to tug pretty hard to separate the two.

While I was watching Paul drill out giant plastic pearl vase filler for no reason other than my immediate gratification, I started to have anxiety… it was one of those times when you are reminded that this person in front of you is THE ONLY PERSON for you. And that they can never leave you. Ever.

Paul is going to have to live to be 103, because he has ruined me for anyone else.

Go, right NOW and thank your partner for whatever they do for you that is your version of earrings. Maybe it involves their pick up truck. Or unloading the dishwasher. Or their willingness to shove a 14-foot quarterboard-nautical-collectors-item through the open windows of a four-door sedan and drive home in a rain storm. (I didn’t make that up– someone shared it in the fb comments and is 100% why I love you people.)

Love the earrings, love Paul! My husband’s version of the earring event occurred when we had been dating a mere 2 months. I decided I wanted acorn garland like Martha Stewart (it was 1998 – I wanted everything like Martha!). He spent weekends helping me fill buckets with acorns from trees in his neighbors yards. He taught me how to drill holes. I taught him how to string the acorns on craft wire with metal spacer beads. We decided to bake the acorns to kill bugs and he allowed his house to smell of….whatever….for a few weeks until we were done baking. He spent nights alone (while I was in grad school in another town) drilling holes in hundreds of acorns. Hundreds.

I still have those acorn garlands, I use them pretty much every year, and I always remember how I knew he was the man for me!

LOVE the earrings!!! But don’t wear them a lot if they’re really heavy… you don’t want to get that saggy earlobe thing going on.

I am fortunate to be blessed with a “Paul” of my own… he’s currently repainting a good portion of the interior of our house because I got tired of the mocha brown that I chose and he also painted five years ago when he built the house.

Thanks to my hubby who carried a huge tapestry I had to have, all around Europe. Anything I want to buy he supports, and carries! Once a beautiful expensive and very heavy Windsor chair that is worth $600 +, I had to have. It was only $60! We were on foot and he carried this behemoth home upside down on his head for over a mile. The back and seat of this thing is extra thick. I did my part by tucking a table cloth under the chair for padding. How about the huge oil painting we found while walking that someone was selling. Again he had to carry a massive heavy picture home, over a mile. Our dr saw us doing it and was laughing. Or the massive crystal chandelier from Spain we passed on the road for sale we got for $40. I made him back up real fast! It barely fit in the car, we had to put it in the trunk. A lovely two tier piece that was no fun hanging. I had to hold the weight twice while he put it up.
Now, I have to say he has his moments. He just talked me into a headboard that we just barely got in our big car. Then he has a table and dresser thing which I have to continually tell him no, please, no, we have too many. We do! He did talk me into a new DR table, which we did need, but only because the spiral legs are to die for and we got it for $22.50! He is working on getting it ready. And we both love this whole type of thing.
Sometimes one or the other one of us will buy something that the other one looks at like what are you thinking?! But these items many times turn out to be the best of all!
But he can’t say no to me and so he lovingly goes along with my plans. Why are men so caring to do this? He is my Mr. Fixit, helper, carrier (even with his bad shoulder) and fun partner-39 years next month of marriage. Thanks honey!

I love it, I’ve been wondering how they did the earrings, but was always otherwise occupied with something to think of just looking it up. Thank you:)
Victoria, I love your posts. You write the way my overly excited brain thinks, shreeeeeks and all. I’m always looking for your posts, because I can’t help but laugh, and what a way to start a day.

Sounds reasonable to wear vase fillers. That opens up an entirely new earbob category I hadn’t thought of. I’ve been hooked on oversized earrings since reading a fashion article about a decade ago that said big earrings make you look taller. Being a munchkin I was all over that like white on rice and have sported stunning earlobes ever since.

Yep. Bet your aunt and uncle are about my age. 😉 Earrings used to come with either a clip or a screw on back to tighten them to your ear. (Only loose women pierced their ears back then.) I decided our dog would look fetching with a pair of my mother’s earbobs. Unfortunately, I got them too tight, Pekinese Beebee ran off down the road to the cow pasture with her earbobs flapping in the wind, and I got spanked with the dreaded hairbrush for torturing the dog. (I thought dress up would be fun for Beebee.) I was five and that was over 50 years ago. Still remember it like yesterday.

re: “You will never wonder if people are judging you or looking at you weird, because they are. But you get to decide what for.”
A girlfriend of mine always takes her kids and spends a week vacation with her parents and extended family. Her mom always seemed to zero in on one particular thing to gripe about for the entire week. Most times, it was how they were raising their children. So my friend decided that she would be in control of that situation by doing something she knew would blatantly irritate her mom, like paint her toenails bright green, or add another piercing on her ear. And it always worked! This way, she got to choose the target and it was one that she could deal with (and laugh on the inside that it always worked while the rest of the family was taking it over their kids’ appearance or behavior!)

Those earrings turned out like the Dior version, only way more affordable. I’m still pondering whether I want to order the Hot Girls Pearl necklace your reader provided the link to. I’m always warm and that could be the answer. Do you think it would be weird to wear pearls to bed?
On the whole “perfect for you” part, I agree 100%. I often wonder how miserable life would be if my husband didn’t “get” me and be totally willing to accommodate my OCD tendencies!
Fun post…I hope you’ll have some additional DIY ideas for the upcoming holidays!
xo,
Karen

I hope you recognize what a unique individual you are and know no one leaves you-witness the loyalty of we your readers. (Well. There were a couple who kept kvetching about a lack of Kitchens), But I’m sure they have located a Blog without wit or humor but reams of info about KITCHENS! When you are a famous Author or Stand Up Comedienne-or both………..you will look back @ these your “olden days” and be amazed at how Modest you were!
*aside* Did your area get a snow dump yet? Not looking forward to Winter but Spring always follows and I planted two! bags of Costco Bulbs so maybe the Squirrels will leave a few to bloom.