Tuesday, January 15, 2008

And I recently had a talk with someone thinking about heading down/over to this part of the world (AUS/NZ). Actually, I've been able to retell the story to a bunch of people lately.

And a new friend has just returned from an Aus/NZ trip and I'm so envious.

I've been thinking about how wonderful that time was for me. How unhappy I'd been for the year or two before that. And how I gave myself time to get to know myself again. And remembered that I love people. And writing. And doing not much of anything except concentrating on having as much fun packed into each day as possible.

When did I stop doing that?And how would life be different if I still focussed on that even now?

It wants to come pouring out. I am so full of feeling. I want to laugh and shout and, alternately, cry and complain.

But I can't.Least ways, not here.

This has always been my place where I could say what I wanted to say. Where I could recapture my love of writing because I could write about what I want to write about.

Alas, the love of the social networking has foiled me. It's all sunshine and puppies until someone gets hurt. And then it's not fun because I feel watched and criticized. Used to be that this was the place I could write easily, not caring how good or bad it was because it didn't matter. It was MINE.

Am I complaining? Yes, I'm complaining that I am not strong enough to continue writing anyway, regardless of who is watching. I'm complaining that I care too much what people think and that I let it curb my creativity, my expression. That I let it censor me. Weak.

Monday, January 14, 2008

So many of my friends have been having them: Steph, Heather, Tree, Ev, several work colleagues, Scott and Kat have got another one on the way and my brother and sister-in-law, Kendra, have their first in the oven. And I know people who are trying to get pregnant as well.

This weekend, I was looking at my sister-in-law's belly thinking: Damn, there's a PERSON in there! I just get so full of awe at the thought of it.

I remembered having a dream last week that involved a fanny-pack-style baby-incubating device for those who can't carry the baby in their belly. The baby grew inside this plastic pouch carried around the waist, complete with zipper so you could lift the baby out of the amniotic fluid for a second if you wanted.

Clearly, I've got baby on the brain.

And today I found out that my ex and his wife had their first baby. Such a strange thought, when one considers: "Wow, if I'd stayed with that person, maybe that would be ME with a baby..."

Part of me is envious that they're in a position in their life where a baby makes sense. Where they have a stable partner and life and you know your situation is able to cope with a huge drain on you time, sleep, money and patience. You know your relationship can handle it. Suddenly, knowledge of your menstrual cycle is being used to conceive rather than preventing it. It's so foreign.

But part of me is also scared. Even if I was in such a relationship, would I really be ready? I feel like a child myself and can't imagine taking care of another being so completely.

I want it and yet it scares me. And on top of it all, I dare not think about it as it is just not in the cards for me. Yet. People warned me that my hormones would one day hijack me -- and I didn't believe them. After years of fighting them off pretty successfully, the fates have resorted to basically beating me over the head with baby madness.

But you know, I'm happy for all these people. I'm thankful it's not me. Yet.

Congrats to Tony for his greatest creation. And to all the parents that make it look like no big deal to create a human being.

Monday, January 07, 2008

Migraines aren't something you want to start having. I mean, in case this was something you thought you'd missed out on and wanted to try. Oh ya, and if you've had them, maybe you're thinking you'd like to have more? Don't do it.

Cuz they're not good.And the medications to treat them? Also pretty crap from time to time, especially when they don't work at all.

Extra stress? While you probably thought this was a good thing, it might actually bring on the migraines, so you might wanna skip it, on second thought.

To avoid them, you might also want to pass on crying or not sleeping enough or messing around with your caffeine intake. But mainly the stress.

Saturday, January 05, 2008

So the first thing you should do when you find out you have to sell the house is go skiing in a snowstorm. And make sure it's really wet snow with a lot of wind.

That way, you can get good and soaked, feel the sting so you know you're going fast enough on the lift alone, then you can't even feel anything when you're racing DOWN the hill. Of course, it also helps your gloves get wet so that you have cold fingers.

You're wondering why this is the perfect tonic to what ails me?

Well, who was thinking about selling a house when my snot was running into my mouth?

Honestly, it was good fun. Mom and I got our ski legs in this first outing of the season at Mount St. Louis Moonstone. It was busy, but somehow it's never all that bad there. We managed to ski each and every blue and black diamond run in the place.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

My first day of 2008 began with hugs. Isn't that a nice way to begin the year? Hugs and kitty cat patting.

And the second thing? Bacon, of course. Bacon and eggs and tea with family.

Then a drive to drop my sister off at the airport. Not so nice -- a little tearful, in fact -- but at least her departure coexisted with a plan for most of us to visit her in February for our annual Rockies ski trip. I can't wait!

I've been off work, mostly, for about 3 weeks. Working intermittently here and there, but still not having the work schedule routine going for that long. I have to use this week to get back into sync with that schedule. I'm also going to use this first week of 2008 to:

write my dreams and wishes and plans for 2008

write up my accomplishments for 2007

get caught up at work

get all my boxing week shopping done

get all the holiday mess put away or at least organized

have a conversation about the future of my living arrangements

I know, you wish you were me. Don't we all wish that we had such an exciting life?

Interestingly, when I was thinking about my resolution for this year, I realized that it was already coming true. And my general happiness has been noted by a couple of friends that I've talked to lately. It feels good to feel good again.