Thursday, January 24, 2008

From the BSNYC Department of Consumer Affairs: Total Recall

Every so often, when a product malfunctions, breaks, or just plain sucks hard enough, its manufacturer will issue a voluntary recall. However, companies can’t always be trusted to do this on their own, and sometimes they won’t acknowledge that their products are crappy at any speed. That’s when somebody needs to step in and do it for them. Here are three products that deserve an involuntary recall:

Trackstar Champion Scarf

One of the first things you learn when you start riding, just after how to fix a flat and not to wear underwear with your cycling shorts, is that it’s extremely dorky to wear pro team kit, grand tour leader’s jerseys, or World Champion stripes while you’re riding. (Unless of course you’re on a pro team, are leading a grand tour, or are a World Champion, in which case it’s only mildly dorky.) It would follow then that wearing a scarf in the World Champion colors is completely unacceptable, unless you’re an actual World Champion with questionable Euro tastes who’s susceptible to chest colds. (Or maybe some kind of drunken Belgian superfan.) Apart from that, all the scenarios in which this scarf might be worn are almost too awful to contemplate. If you’re wearing it on the bike, you’re committing a double crime: wearing the World Champion stripes; and wearing a scarf of any kind while cycling. If you’re wearing it off the bike, you’re just a peacock of dorkitude. In any case, I’m issuing a recall on the Trackstar Champion Scarf, as wearers are at risk of strangulation by me.

Primal Wear bRide 2B Women’s Jersey

A reader recently forwarded me this item, and so I’m issuing a recall on it effective immediately, as any woman who dons this jersey is at severe risk of sudden and complete loss of dignity. I imagine this jersey being worn aboard a recumbent that’s got a “Just Married” sign on the back and is dragging a bunch of soup cans. I have to hand it to Primal, though, for only they could reach this deeply into the cauldron of bad taste and withdraw something even worse than the tuxedo t-shirt. As a company, they’ve also managed to successfully show what the world would be like if terrorists detonated a bomb that somehow destroyed all irony while leaving humor intact. And perhaps most amazingly, this may be the world’s only jersey with an integrated tramp-stamp.

Power Cranks

If cycling were an orange, roadies would take that orange, put it on a juicer, squeeze all the pulpy, delicious goodness out of it, and then eat the rind. And this is most apparent in their use of Power Cranks. When I see somebody out there on a bike with Power Cranks doing his idiotic prostrations, both his pedals in the 6:00 position as his lycra-clad taint bears the full brunt of his weight, I don’t know whether to laugh or just run him off the road. Users of Power Cranks cite performance gains, but it’s pretty obvious to me that once you’re determined enough to use something this stupid you’re going to somehow milk performance gains out of anything. As such, I’m issuing a recall, since these cranks are obviously broken. Duh. Not only that, but they cost like $1,000. If you’re considering these malfunctioning pieces of garbage do something smart and buy a mountain bike instead. Not only will you learn how to pedal, but you’ll also learn how to handle your bike. (And you might even have some fun.)

Never knew what the deal was with Powercranks. Now I kindof think they're cool. Man, being a roadie is like a fuckin disease that makes me more and more masochistic. Maybe I really should get a mountain bike. Or some 28c tires or something.

i got married in Estes Park last spring and i rode up there that morning, just as a good way to start the day.

totally rocked the Primal Tux Jersey. havent worn it since, and dont plan to. but it was hlarious at the time, and i love my wife all the more for indulging me and laughing with me and mostly not at me.

Why would you even spend $1000 when all you have to do is turn one crank upside-down? What a waste of money.

Also...I honestly can't imagine ANYONE wearing that jersey EXCEPT someone riding to their wedding...seriously...who would? I can't imagine it at all...it's seems like an impossibility. But maybe...I'm just a sane woman.

So, after the comment of anonymous 12:32, I'm left with the image of a hairy guy in that bRide jersey, world champion scarf around his neck, humping down the street on power cranks as if he is rolling an egg with his feet. Is this a Dr Seuss moment?

Sorry to interrupt with a serious comment, but why do people have such strong feelings against team kits and championship jerseys?

The people who make these jerseys pay royalties to the teams and tour organizers who use the money, in turn, to promote the sport. How is this any different from a fan who buys a pro-football or pro-basketball jersey?

I don't think anyone who buys these cycling jerseys actually expects to pass himself off as a professional cyclist (especially the one who buys the XXL), and I doubt that anyone has ever mistook him for one.

They do make a tandem recumbent. It's called a redundent. Do not under any circumstances get in the way of these people going downhill.

Rags 12:03 PM: you are not yet fully a roadie as you seem to have some scrap of circumspection about yourself and your biking habit. But you do think PowerCranks are cool. Keep going, just a little more..

If you experience a prostration lasting over four hours, contact your doctor.

Powercranks aren't cranks that are both in the 6 o'clock position. They have a freewheel built into them so that the cranks are independent of each other. It's like doing one leg intervals all the time.

I have never used them but I do think they are somewhat interesting. I'm sure I'll never own them though.

the prime difference for me between cycling kits and team jerseys from other sports, is that with other sports people just wear the jerseys out and around as some sort of unimaginative fasion statement, not while practicing the sport in question.

what would a bunch of middle-aged guys playing slow-pitch softball in yankees uniforms look like? seems a bit pathetic. and i say softball because i don't know of any local amateur baseball leagues.

on the flip side doing an etape would be pretty damn foolish too, but in a damn-that's-some-crazy-sh*t sort of way.

Sorry to interrupt with a serious comment, but why do people have such strong feelings against team kits and championship jerseys?

The people who make these jerseys pay royalties to the teams and tour organizers who use the money, in turn, to promote the sport. How is this any different from a fan who buys a pro-football or pro-basketball jersey?

Because dressing up like your hero in public and pretending is only acceptable when you are under 10 years old. Have you noticed the IQ of Hockey jersey wearers? (take 20 points off for Leafs fans, or as I call them, leaves fans).

This is not different than the MBA and NFL "Fathletes".

That rainbow scarf will attract a lot of attention from women in Greenwich Village. Sthuper!

Cranks: Orange rinds make you tough. Yum.PS. "Real" roadies wouldn't be seen on those things. They might buy them and use them indoors, if there was a rumor that they would help you move from 14th to 12th in a field sprint.

You were probably right to play it safe and mock Buddhism in that link, rather than a certain other major world religion that also practices prostration.

And, you may be right that the universe is absurd, and that riding around on bikes -- with the right sort of cranks, at least -- is an activity superior to disciplined religious practice. Now, there's a thought.

The scarf is perfectly acceptable if it's 31 degrees out, raining, your shirt is off, "Hup!" is tattooed under each one of your nipples, you're at a 'cross race, you are up to your testicles in mud (and happy about it) and there's more Leffe in your gut than there is in all of Liege.

That jersey... hmmm. It's clearly a training aid. You see a girl in a wedding dress cycling jersey, that's a signal to start a 5 minute L6 (VO2 Max + ) effort in the opposite direcction. That thing screams, "Bridezilla seeks Mothgroom for serious(ly damaging!) relationship."

As for PowerCranks... roadies only love them because crank has a reputation as a working man's drug... and nothing makes a yuppie roadracer hotter than acting all fake workin' man, an' shit. PBR me ASAP, brah!*

*Some have accused me of fitting this description. Be it known... I am in fact a working man who acts all fake yuppie. Aight?

Anon 1:14PM:I am enough of a pedant myself to insist on my spelling, using the second half from 'recumbent.'

Snap!

On the subject of hero jerseys, just for argument is there a statute of limitations? The retro 7-11 jersey, the Coors Red Zinger race leader? Of course, printing 'Race Leader' on your chest in any format while puffing about amateurly may be beyond the pale for some.

I think TStar is doing the same shit skate companies have been doing for years. Re-appropriated graphics is nothing new to this generation. Call us "hipsters" or whatever, but most of us were skating on Girl, Foundation and other skate decks that had "reused" corporate identities in a clever way.

It is still sampling, but it's not taking away from the industry's target audience.

Good point, and well said. This struck me differently, though, since it's just a scarf in the UCI World Champion colors being sold by a bike shop. I don't see that once-removed irony here that you see in other examples of re-appropriated identities. (Like that "Tour de Drugs" shirt they were selling, for example.) I could easily see this scarf being sold in the WCP catalog.

Prolly, Doing something witty with a corporate logo is different than inappropriately appropriating a piece of cycling culture. Honestly, I see no problem with hipsters wearing the world champion colors. In fact, I embrace the irony of a bunch of FGFer's sitting around drinking PBR wearing something that they know nothing about. It would be much worse if an actual competitive cyclist were wearing the colors.

yes I realize that Everyone I have ever seen in person wearing a team discovery Jersey bought it at sports chalet. I for one agree with Snob and find Pro Jerseys distasteful. What you also probably do not realize is that I live in Costal Orange County home to many 2nd rate domestic professional cyclist and aspiring amateur wannabes. For most of these cyclist one of their life goals is finding some one to give them money to support their expense carbon fiber habits. To accomplish this they leverage the only thing they posses that has any sense of value to the business world: Add Space

Of coarse we as cyclists are all in some form moving add space and in some way. Just by going out and ridding we are supporting cycling related business either directly (brand name on Frame) or by way of representation of some sort of particular sub genre of cycling (FG freestylers for example) who someone ells stands to make money off.

The most direct method of advertising would of coarse by team Jerseys' which instantly turn you into to a rolling cooperate billboard. So I guess what a I find the most funny about wearing a team discovery jersey you bought at sport Chalet, is you paid for it! Come on people your better that that you could be selling that precious add space, if you spent any large amount of money on a team jersey smack yourself in the head, THEY SHOULD BE PAYING YOU TO WEAR IT other wise what's the point?

fair enough. and while i'm impresed with elaine's chutzpah, the whole enterprise may crumble under the weight of its own complexity (or some weird collapsing blackhole of tackiness as the case may be).

I see your point though. Honestly though, FashionPistas around here don't ride in the winter, so maybe this article of clothing brings them closer to being in a "zen like" state of mind even when they're NOT riding their "fixies".

I didn't mind pro jerseys or maillots jaune until I started racing. Once I earned a race team's jersey, I found pro jerseys revolting, except on pros. Probably because my Cat 4 ass kinda sucks and sometimes it is hard to race well enough to feel like I really deserve to wear my own team's jersey - if I can't contribute in a race I feel like I've let the team down, the jersey symbolizes a lot to me. I guess it's cool that people want to be like Lance or Levi or whomever, in the same way it's okay to want to be like Tom Brady, but on the other hand it's kind of a super dorky fanboy thing to do, and if you know what that jersey actually means to somebody who had to earn one the hard way it's a bit creepy.

Upon further review, however, by the Cultural Appropriation Officiating Booth, the bridal jersey and the World Champs scarf could be put to good use. The bridezilla jersey would be wonderful to wear as a team jersey on a drinking expedition, either by the boys, or by the girls in limited use as a bachelorette thing. I can also see it having excellent potential for transvestite alley cats.

The scarf, of course, could be worn without qualms at the SSWC, given as a gift to the worst rider, or as a prize in one of those hotly contested cross series where the cash money gets alotted randomly but the winners get only ribbons.

I think BSNYC made it plain he used the products once before initiating the recall.

Not likely he'll wear them again.

On the other hand, anybody who wishes to throw BSNYC stalkers and paparazzi off the trail should swing by the Apple Store in the bRide jersey and champion scarf (or with some other outfit/bike likely to earn the Seal of Disapproval).

If you have a set of power cranks, even better.

Get a picture and e-mail it to BSNYC. Even if he doesn't post it, you may make him chuckle. Or hold his head in his hands and moan. Hard to predict, really.

BSNYC -- I bet you get some photos. I mean think of the crazy things folks do to get on reality TV shows.

check this out! straight for the horses mouth...or the power cranks website: "Yes, we have had several reports from users that PowerCranks seem to improve erectile functioning in those with a certain form of erectile dysfunction (ED)." talk about overhype!

That Trackstar Champions scarf is in the Gay Rainbow colours. Perhaps we have all jumped the gun a little prematurely. Maybe Trackstar, in their accepting all cultures mood, are trying to lure/atract the gay bike market.

I talked with a Primal rep a few months ago and I'm petitioning for arm and leg warmers in a pale white and freckles pattern. Then all you people with your dark tans and tan lines and glistening muscles can know what it feels like to pull up to a group ride looking like you just came out of hibernation and put on your lycra and said, "let's go ride bikes." "Gee, Wally, that sounds swell!"

Hey anomymous 1.54, I kinda knew that but was having a bit of fun, you know when the sides of your mouth slide upwards and your eyes get all crinkly.Wow would hate to be you next door neighbour as I could not get over the pile of attitude left at the front door

I'm no roadie, but on a mountain bike, when running a single ring up front with a cassette out back, you need either a dummy derailleur or a chainguide up front to stop the chain from jumping ship, especially when your chainline gets pulled outta whack running the granny gear and such. This may be a possible explanation for that derailleur visible in the powercrank photo.

You can't go anywhere on the internet without some horny bastard trying to score chicks. And finally, they land at a comments section to a blog, which is sacred domain..like trying to score at church confession.

One wonders in the 70s before the internets if guys went around to post offices and grocery stores posting notes such as, "...so, woman with free puppies, what are you wearing?"

There's a place for everything, and the place for this is Craigslist personals.

Au contraire, my dear friends. I cut a dashing figure when I squeeze my 200 pounds of blubber into my full Mapei kit I bought off the clearance rack at TJMaxx. Occasionally, a car runs clean off the road at the very sight of me.

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!