Right On!

With the words “Its your boy Cameron, why not”, Tory leader David Cameron yesterday sent shockwaves through British Conservatism. His latest Conservative Party conference speech, which opened with former stockbroker Cameron behind a set of mixing decks, festooned with ‘bling’ and sporting designer shades and a bandanna, as he introduced himself ‘street-style’, has drawn condemnation from traditionalists, whilst being welcomed by party modernisers. “It is a stroke of genius, for too long now the Conservative Party has been seen as reactionary and out of touch,” enthuses party worker Vanessa Thung. “In one fell swoop he has established us as the coolest force in politics and completely outflanked Blair and New Labour in the hipness stakes!” By embracing rap and hip hop, the Tories hope not only to make current Prime Minister and Labour leader Tony Blair, with his adherence to hairy 1970s guitar pop, seem out of touch with modern youth, but also to make his probable successor, Chancellor Gordon Brown, look equally ‘square’. “Could you ever imagine Gordon Brown getting down with the beat and delivering his budget speech in freestyle rap?” asks Thung. “He’s such a stuffed shirt! He’d just look like someone’s uncle trying to dance at a wedding! The whole Labour party would just die of embarrassment!” In a clear attempt to emulate New Labour’s co-opting of ‘Brit Pop’ in the 1990s, Cameron is desperately trying to tap into the current zeitgeist in order to reposition his self-styled ‘Coolservatives’ as the party of youth and progress. “Tony might have got his guitar boys in the house to big up his number one, but when I’m the King Pin I’m getting my homies Fifty Cent, Shady and Pharrell to bring in the bling,” he recently told the Shadow cabinet, avowing his intention to put rap at the centre of his agenda when he becomes Prime Minister. Perhaps the most surprising aspect of the conference address – apart from the sight of Shadow Foreign Secretary William Hague break dancing – was the presence of Radio One rap DJ Tim Westwood alongside the Tory leader. Only weeks earlier Cameron had condemned the Gangsta Rap played on Westwood’s show for encouraging knife crime. “There was a meetin’ of minds,” explains forty nine year old wigger Westwood, who had demanded a meeting with Cameron following his comments. “Once he’d spoken with the Big Dog and listened to some real heavy Hip Hop sounds, the boy Cameron saw the light and was ready to kiss the ring!”

The meeting with Westwood had a deep and immediate effect on Cameron. “It was like a road to Damascus conversion,” says a source within Conservative Central Office. “Thanks to Westwood, he saw that Rap and Hip Hop, far from being evil creeds seducing young people into a lifestyle of drugs, guns and prostitution, were in fact celebrations of material gain, self-sufficiency, a patriarchal hierarchy and that they actively promote respect for wealth and success! Surely the perfect vehicles for articulating his ‘Coolservative’ message to Britain’s youth!” Not surprisingly, the DJ was immediately appointed Cameron’s youth advisor. “He’s become a role model to David – a middle aged, middle class white guy who speaks to the young in terms they understand and respect,” enthuses our source. “David believes that Westwood embodies everything a ‘Coolservative’ should be – teetotal and anti-drugs, preaching the message of safe sex yet fully embracing the exciting rap life! This combination of social conservatism with superficial trendy radicalism is just what the party under David has been seeking!” Under the rap DJ’s tutelage, Cameron – often derided by critics for his lack of concrete policy proposals – appears finally to have found a means of articulating his ‘Coolservative’ ideology to the electorate. Indeed, he used the recent Party address to promise the nation: “We gonna be givin’ you the heaviest policies – understand that!” This was accompanied by Westwood’s patented ‘air horn’ sound effect, before Cameron gave a clear declaration of how his ‘Coolservatism’ differed ideologically from Thatcherism: “Man, Thatcher was some mad sexy bitch who put a bomb under British politics and blew away the consensus!” Pausing only for Westwood’s ‘bomb drop’ effect, Cameron quickly continued: ”While I bow down and kiss her ring in respect, I say its time to send that uncaring shit south, reach out to the people and feel their pain!” Having established the ‘caring’ nature of his creed, he addressed those Conservative traditionalists who still doubted him: “I can see you got issues, but I’m offerin’ nothing but big things and you gotta understand that’s the way its goin’ down!” He then turned to the issue of his financial backers, refuting press allegations that many of them were shady international financiers and property developers, telling them: “Big up my students out there, it’s a big look, hustle that legal money”. Dismissing the Labour government’s sleaze problems with the words “That’s mad gangsta”, he promised that any future ‘Coolservative’ administration would “Keep out the dirty, dirty”. The Tory leader –accompanied by Westwood on the decks – then proceeded to give a ‘Top Ten’ rundown of his main policies, including his approach to drugs: “Man, them’s all dirty! Remember, crack is whack kids!”; single mothers claiming state benefits “They shoulda remembered to strap it up before the slapped it up!”; and Iran’s attempts to expand its nuclear programme: “That’s big out there – two world’s that should never meet! We gotta be prepared to drop the bomb on those crazies!”

Whilst welcomed by most conference attendees as a clear statement of policy, Cameron’s address has been dismissed by some senior figures in the Party as ‘gibberish’. “Its just another ill-advised attempt to appear ‘hip’ and trendy,” growled Party Grandee and Thatcher loyalist Lord Tebbitt. “It is almost as bad as William Hague wearing a baseball cap or Ian Duncan-Smith appearing in his underwear on the cover of Smash Hits. It isn’t gimmicks like this which win votes – it is appealing to the electorate’s inherent selfishness, basest prejudices and materialistic desires which guarantees landslides!” Not surprisingly, Cameron’s new approach has also come under attack from the government. “It is typical of the Tory party that they are doing nothing to promote home grown British talent,” Chancellor Gordon Brown – who claims to have tracks by British rappers such as Dizzee Rascal and Jeep Beat Collective on his I Pod – told the BBC. “All of the rap influences Mr Cameron cites are established US acts signed to labels owned by giant multinationals – every time you buy one of their records, all the profits go overseas! It is exactly this kind of approach to hip hop which has stifled the development of up and coming British artists through a lack of exposure and investment.” Cameron has also been criticised for holding back black DJs. “Once again, the establishment seems to think that the only way rap can safely be presented to middle England is by some white guy,” commented DJ Spice of Kool FM London. However, Cameron remains defiant, announcing that Westwood’s remix of his controversial conference address (featuring samples from Winston Churchill’s greatest speeches) was soon to be released as an EP through Def Jam Records. He is also planning a fourteen-date club tour for later in the year.

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Publisher, Executive Editor and Chief Writer of The Sleaze, the Doc is in the forefront of the campaign to preserve historic 1970s moustaches, and is currently the owner of a fine 1970 Alain Delon, which he wears with pride every Thursday. Before founding The Sleaze, the Doc had the singular honour of being dismissed from the Ministry of Defence's Defence Intelligence Staff following his involvement with the original 'dodgy dossier', which sparked the civil war in the former Yugoslavia. Nevertheless, he stands by his controversial assessment that there is satellite imagery clearly showing Serbian leader Slobodan Milosevic enjoying a three-in-a-bed romp with Princess Margaret and Richard Branson. Following his dismissal, the Doc crossed the Atlantic to enter the film industry, where he quickly became Tawny Kitaen's pubic hair stylist. The proud possessor of the world's largest collection of pornography discovered in hedgerows, the Doc is considered one of Britain's leading experts on smut, and acted as an advisor to the BBC 4 series A Pornographic History of Britain. Now in his early middle years, Doc Sleaze lives quietly in Southern England where he is sometimes allowed to teach Government and Politics to local A-level students. He can be reached through the site's main e-mail address - just don't expect a reply.