Domestic
Violence - Another Perspective

Menstuff® has compiled information,
books and
resources
on the issue of domestic violence. Unlike most other national,
regional, local and web site resources on Domestic Violence, we don't
exclude information pertaining to women as perpetrators and men as
victims. We're one of very few to actually provide information
written for men who are in an abusive relationship. If you know of
others, please let us know.

The term "intimate partner violence" (IPV) is often used synonymously
with domestic abuse/domestic violence. Family violence is a broader
definition, often used to include child abuse, elder abuse, and other
violent acts between family members. Wife abuse, wife beating, and
battering are descriptive terms that have lost popularity recently
for at least two reasons:

Acknowledgment that many victims are not actually married to
the abuser, but rather cohabiting or other arrangement.

Abuse can take other forms than physical abuse and males are
often victims of violence as well. Other forms of abuse may be
constantly occurring, while physical abuse happens
occasionally.

These other forms of abuse have the potential to lead to mental
illness, self-harm, and even attempts at suicide.

Amartya Sen calculated that between 60 million and 107 million
women are missing worldwide.

The U. S. Office on Violence Against Women (OVW) defines domestic
violence as a "pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that
is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over
another intimate partner". The definition adds that domestic violence
"can happen to anyone regardless of race, age, sexual orientation,
religion, or gender", and that it can take many forms, including
physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional, economic, and psychological
abuse.

The Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service in the
United Kingdom in its "Domestic Violence Policy" uses domestic
violence to refer to a range of violent and abusive behaviours,
defining it as:

Patterns of behaviour characterised by the misuse of
power and control by one person over another who are or have been
in an intimate relationship. It can occur in mixed gender
relationships and same gender relationships and has profound
consequences for the lives of children, individuals, families and
communities. It may be physical, sexual, emotional and/or
psychological. The latter may include intimidation, harassment,
damage to property, threats and financial abuse.

In Spain, the 2004 Measures of Integral Protection Measures
against Gender Violence defined gender violence as a violence that is
directed at women for the very fact of being women. The law
acknowledges that aggressions against women have a particular
incidence in the reality of Spain and that gender violence stands as
the most brutal symbol of the inequality persisting in Spain.
According to the law, women are considered by their attackers as
lacking the basic rights of freedom, respect, and power of
decision.Source: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Domestic_violence#Definitions

About Domestic Violence

Domestic violence can be defined as a pattern of abusive behavior in
any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain
power and control over another intimate partner.

Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, or
psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another
person. This includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate,
humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame,
hurt, injure, or wound someone.

Sexual Abuse: Coercing or attempting to coerce any sexual contact
or behavior without consent. Sexual abuse includes, but is certainly
not limited to marital rape, attacks on sexual parts of the body,
forcing sex after physical violence has occurred, or treating one in
a sexually demeaning manner.

Emotional Abuse: Undermining an individual's sense of self-worth
and/or self-esteem. This may include, but is not limited to constant
criticism, diminishing one's abilities, name-calling, or damaging
one's relationship with his or her children.

Economic Abuse: Making or attempting to make an individual
financially dependent by maintaining total control over financial
resources, withholding one's access to money, or forbidding one's
attendance at school or employment.

Psychological Abuse: Causing fear by intimidation; threatening
physical harm to self, partner, children, or partner's family or
friends; destruction of pets and property; and forcing isolation from
family, friends, or school and/or work.

Domestic violence can happen to anyone regardless of race, age,
sexual orientation, religion, or gender. Domestic violence affects
people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels.
Domestic violence occurs in both opposite-sex and same-sex
relationships and can happen to intimate partners who are married,
living together, or dating.

Domestic violence not only affects those who are abused, but also
has a substantial effect on family members, friends, co-workers,
other witnesses, and the community at large. Children, who grow up
witnessing domestic violence, are among those seriously affected by
this crime. Frequent exposure to violence in the home not only
predisposes children to numerous social and physical problems, but
also teaches them that violence is a normal way of life - therefore,
increasing their risk of becoming society's next generation of
victims and abusers.Sources: National Domestic Violence Hotline, National
Center for Victims of Crime, and WomensLaw.org. www.ovw.usdoj.gov/domviolence.htm

Gender aspects of abuse

Women are subjected to domestic violence more often and more severely
than are men. According to a report by the United States Department
of Justice, a survey of 16,000 Americans showed 22.1 percent of women
and 7.4 percent of men reported being physically assaulted by a
current or former spouse, cohabiting partner, boyfriend or
girlfriend, or date in their lifetime. A 2001 survey of over 22,000
residents of England and Wales by the UK Home Office showed four
percent of women and two percent of men were victims of domestic
violence in the last year. Of the most heavily abused group, 89
percent were women.

Women are much more likely than men to be murdered by an intimate
partner. Of those killed by an intimate partner about three quarters
are female and about a quarter are male. In 1999 in the United States
1,218 women and 424 men were killed by an intimate partner, and 1181
females and 329 males were killed by their intimate partners in 2005.
In England and Wales about 100 women are killed by partners or former
partners each year while 21 men were killed in 2010. In 2008, in
France, 156 women and 27 men were killed by their intimate
partner.

The UN Declaration on the Elimination of Violence against Women
(1993) states that violence against women is a manifestation of
historically unequal power relations between men and women, which has
led to domination over and discrimination against women by men and to
the prevention of the full advancement of women, and that violence
against women is one of the crucial social mechanisms by which women
are forced into a subordinate position compared with men.

The relationship between gender and domestic violence is a
controversial topic and there continues to be debate about the rates
at which each gender is subjected to domestic violence and whether
abused men should be provided the same resources and shelters that
exist for women victims. In particular, some studies suggest that men
are less likely to report being victims of domestic violence due to
social stigmas. Other sources, however, argue that the rate of
domestic violence against men is often inflated due to the practice
of including self-defense as a form of domestic violence.

In their study of severely violent couples, Neil Jacobson and John
Gottman conclude that the frequency of violent acts is not as crucial
as the impact of the violence and its function, when trying to
understand spousal abuse; specifically, they state that the purpose
of domestic violence is typically to control and intimidate, rather
than just to injure.

Both men and women have been arrested and convicted of assaulting
their partners in both heterosexual and homosexual relationships. The
bulk of these arrests have been men being arrested for assaulting
women. However, in the case of reciprocal violence, frequently only
the male perpetrator is arrested. Determining how many instances of
domestic violence actually involve male victims is difficult. Male
domestic violence victims may be reluctant to get help for a number
of reasons. Another study has demonstrated a high degree of
acceptance by women of aggression against men.

Some researchers have found a relationship between the
availability of domestic violence services, improved laws and
enforcement regarding domestic violence and increased access to
divorce, and higher earnings for women with declines in intimate
partner homicide by women. Murders of female intimate partners by men
have dropped, but not nearly as dramatically. Men kill their female
intimate partners at about four times the rate that women kill their
male intimate partners. Research by Jacquelyn Campbell, PhD RN FAAN
has found that at least two thirds of women killed by their intimate
partners were battered by those men prior to the murder. She also
found that when males are killed by female intimates, the women in
those relationships had been abused by their male partner about 75%
of the time.

A problem in conducting studies that seek to describe violence in
terms of gender is the amount of silence, fear and shame that results
from abuse within families and relationships. Another is that abusive
patterns can tend to seem normal to those who have lived in them for
a length of time. Similarly, subtle forms of abuse can be quite
transparent even as they set the stage for further abuse seeming
normal. Finally, inconsistent definition of what constitutes domestic
violence makes definite conclusions difficult to reach when compiling
the available studies.

Theories that women are as violent as men have been dubbed "Gender
Symmetry" theories. On the other hand, Michael Kimmel of the State
University of New York at Stony Brook found that men are more violent
inside and outside of the home than women.

Straus and Gelles found in couples reporting spousal violence, 27%
of the time the man struck the first blow; the woman in 24%. The rest
of the time, the violence was mutual, with both partners brawling.
The results were the same even when the most severe episodes of
violence were analyzed. In order to counteract claims that the
reporting data was skewed, female-only surveys were conducted, asking
females to self-report, and the data was the same. The simple tally
of physical acts is typically found to be similar in those studies
that examine both directions, but some studies show that male
violence may be more serious. Male violence may do more damage than
women's; women are much more likely to be injured and/or
hospitalized, wives are much more likely to be killed by their
husbands than the reverse (59%-41% Dept of Justice study), and women
in general are more likely to be killed by their spouse than by all
other types of assailants combined.

Martin S. Fiebert of the Department of Psychology at California
State University, Long Beach, has compiled an annotated bibliography
of research relating to spousal abuse by women on men. This
bibliography examines 275 scholarly investigations: 214 empirical
studies and 61 reviews and/or analyses, which appear to demonstrate
that women are as physically aggressive, or more aggressive, than men
in their relationships with their spouses or male partners. The
aggregate sample size in the reviewed studies exceeds 365,000. In a
Los Angeles Times article about male victims of domestic violence,
Fiebert suggests that "...consensus in the field is that women are as
likely as men to strike their partner but thatas
expectedwomen are more likely to be injured than men." However,
he noted, men are seriously injured in 38% of the cases in which
"extreme aggression" is used. Fiebert additionally noted that his
work was not meant to minimize the serious effects of men who abuse
women.

Women are far more likely to use weapons in their domestic
violence, whether throwing a plate or firing a gun.

In a review of the research however Michael Kimmel found that
violence is instrumental in maintaining control and that more than 90
percent of "systematic, persistent, and injurious" violence is
perpetrated by men. He points out that most of the empirical studies
that Fiebert reviewed used the same empirical measure of family
conflict, i.e., the Conflict Tactics Scale (CTS) as the sole measure
of domestic violence and that many of the studies noted by Fiebert
discussed samples composed entirely of single people younger than 30,
and not married couples. Kimmel argues that among various other
flaws, the CTS is particularly vulnerable to reporting bias because
it depends on asking people to accurately remember and report what
happened during the past year. However, men tend to under-estimate
their use of violence, while women tend to over-estimate their use of
violence. Simultaneously men tend to over-estimate their partner's
use of violence while women tend to under-estimate their partner's
use of violence. Thus, men will likely over-estimate their
victimization, while women tend to underestimate theirs.

Similarly, the National Institute of Justice states that the
studies that find that women abuse men equally or even more than men
abuse women are based on data compiled through the Conflict Tactics
Scale, a survey tool developed in the 1970s and which may not be
appropriate for intimate partner violence research because it does
not measure control, coercion, or the motives for conflict tactics;
it also leaves out sexual assault and violence by ex-spouses or
partners and does not determine who initiated the violence.
Furthermore, the NIJ contends that national surveys supported by NIJ,
the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, and the Bureau of
Justice Statistics that examine more serious assaults do not support
the conclusion of similar rates of male and female spousal assaults.
These surveys are conducted within a safety or crime context and
clearly find more partner abuse by men against women.

In a Meta-analysis, John Archer, Ph. D., from the Department of
Psychology, University of Central Lancashire, UK, writes:

The present analyses indicate that men are among those
who are likely to be on the receiving end of acts of physical
aggression. The extent to which this involves mutual combat or the
male equivalent to battered women is at present
unresolved. Both situations are causes for concern. Straus (1997)
has warned of the dangers involvedespecially for
womenwhen physical aggression becomes a routine response to
relationship conflict. Battered menthose
subjected to systematic and prolonged violenceare likely to
suffer physical and psychological consequences, together with
specific problems associated with a lack of recognition of their
plight (George and George, 1998). Seeking to address these
problems need not detract from continuing to address the problem
of battered women."

Gender roles and expectations can and do play a role in abusive
situations, and exploring these roles and expectations can be helpful
in addressing abusive situations, as do factors like race, class,
religion, sexuality and philosophy. However, studies investigating
whether sexist attitudes are correlated with domestic violence have
shown conflicting results.

Estimates show that 248 of every 1,000 females and 76 of every
1,000 males are victims of physical assault and/or rape committed by
their spouses. A 1997 report says significantly more men than women
do not disclose the identity of their attacker. There is no evidence
however that male victims are more likely to under-report than female
victims. In fact, men tend to over-estimate their partners
violence and under-estimate their own, while women do the reverse. A
2009 study showed that there was greater acceptance for abuse
perpetrated by females than by males. Several studies have confirmed
that womens physical violence towards intimate male partners is
often in self-defense (DeKeseredy et al. 1997; Hamberger et al. 1994;
Swan & Snow 2002, 301; Muelleman & Burgess 1998, 866).Source: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Domestic_violence#Gender_aspects_of_abuse

Arrests of Women for Offensses Against the
Family

Substantial increase of arrests of women for offensses against the
family from 9.1% in 1963 to 20.8% in 1994.Source: Adapted from Uniform Crime Report
(Washington, DC: U.S. Department of Justice, Federal Bureau of
Investigation, annual: 1963-1994). Total Arrests, Distribution
by Sex.)

Violence Among Intimates

When we shift the scene and examine the data on violent acts
committed against family members and close friends, a different
pattern emerges. According to the November 1994 BJS report, between
1987 and 1991 and in 1992 when the new NCVS was used, women
experienced over ten times as many incidents of violence by an
intimate as men did. During those years, intimates committed an
annual average of 621,015 rapes, robberies or assaults. Violent acts
committed against intimates accounted for 13 percent of all violent
victimization's. In the overall comparison, the differences in
victimization rates by the nature of the victim/offender relationship
between women and men look like this: If the woman is between 20
and 24 years old, her rate of victimization by an intimate is 16. If
she earns less than $10,000 per year, it is eleven. But if she earns
more than $30,000 per year it drops to two. The rate for college
educated women is three; among those with less than a high school
education it is five.

In 1992, 51 percent of the victims of intimate violence were
attacked by boyfriends or girlfriends. 34 percent were attacked by
spouses and 15 percent were attacked by ex-spouses..

Most violence between intimates is assault. In 1992, 81 percent of
the violent victimizations committed by spouses and ex-spouses were
assaults (the intentional infliction of injury). The remainder were
rapes and robberies which may also have involved assault. In 1977, 54
percent of the homicide murder victims who were killed by intimates
were female. In 1992, 70 percent of the homicide victims who were
killed by intimates were female.

In 1992, about 3 percent of the women who were victimized by
intimates received serious but nonfatal injuries. This proposition
was similar to that for women victimized by other relatives,
acquaintances, or strangers. About 54 percent of the women victimized
by intimates received minor injuries. Women victimized by other
relatives, acquaintances, or strangers were less likely to sustain
minor injuries. Strauss and Gelles reported in the 1980s that less
than one percent of women involved in domestic violence required any
kind of medical treatment.

The September 1995 BJS Special Report "Spouse Murder
Defendants in Large Urban Counties," stated that 59 percent of the
victims are women who have been killed by their husbands and 41
percent are men who have been killed by their wives. Women are more
likely to kill their children than are men" 55 percent to 45
percent. It also describes what happens to the 59 percent male
murderers of their wives and the 41 percent of the females who
murdered their husbands. Among the husbands, 11 percent are not
prosecuted compared to 16 percent of the women. Forty-six percent of
the men and 39 percent of the women pleaded guilty. Two percent of
the husbands are acquitted compared to 14 percent of the women.
Eighty-one percent of the husbands are sent to prison for an average
length of 16.5 years compared to 57 percent of the wives for an
average length of six years. Race is not a factor in these
distributions.Source: Women and Violent Crime, Women's
Freedom Network Working Paper I by Rita J. Simon

Chances are We're All Part of the
Problem

October is "Domestic Violence Awareness" month to raise awareness
about the high level of violence prevalent in our family system
today.

What I have to say is not meant to deny the responsibility men
have in domestic violence, nor to suggest reducing any funding of
women's programs. It is meant to trigger you into action and not wait
until October to take responsibility for your part of this picture
and do something about it.

Part of domestic violence involves battered husbands? Not the 75%
who batter or jointly batter, but the 25% who never hit? Many say
these men don't exist or don't need help. This is to deny the stories
men have shared with me about being battered and women have shared
about their own unprovoked violence against their significant other.
It also denies much research to the contrary, starting with the 1975
National Family Violence Survey, and substantiated by at least ten
additional investigations, that husband abuse, not wife abuse, is the
most underreported form of family violence, and it's the area that's
on the rise. Why do we want to adamantly deny that this situation
exists? If we aren't focused on controlling and preventing all
domestic violence, somewhere underneath is the nagging question:
aren't we really, then, encouraging and maintaining it by our
inaction?

No one, man nor woman, would hit anyone if they hadn't gotten the
message as a child that hitting is how conflict and stress are
handled. However, violence is not inherent to human beings and it is
not an inherently male trait. Some of Jean Liedloff's experiences
with Tauripan Indians showed that "The children were uniformly
well-behaved, never fought...and the deprecation "Boys will be boys"
did not apply...In today's culture, however, a boys tenure in the
womb is probably the last he is ever likely to know of the
uninterrupted state of well-being...His life becomes unspeakably
lonely, unresponsive to his signals and full of pain...He kicks as
violently as he can to mitigate the tingling craving of his skin, he
waves his arms, he rolls his head from side to side to blur his
senses, he stiffens his body, arching his back with all the tension
he can muster, to stop feeling it." From birth he is treated
differently, picked up less often, for shorter periods of time, and
is more likely to be roughed up and not nurtured. Within days of
birth, if he's like 70% of American boys, he will be strapped to a
table and genitally mutilated. As he matures, he will get constant
messages not to feel, not to cry, and to be tough. He'll be trained
to, at first, metaphorically "kill" other boys with war toys and
through sports, then to kill men in real life. He'll see a lot of
hitting in the cartoons, then watch MTV while Bon Jovi slaps women
and LA Law as the woman often slaps her male costar. (See "Television
Hit Parade".) He'll see men like Abbott & Costello hitting
men for laughs (ironically the U.S. Postal Service chose October,
which is Domestic Violence Month, to honor this premo hitting team
with their own postage stamp). He may watch his parents (whether an
alcoholic father, a rage-alcoholic mother or just a frustrated
parent) hit one another, which is believed to be a more powerful
contributor to becoming a violent adult than being the victim of the
violence.

Has any of this angered you? How did you deal with it? Did you
stuff or deny it? Did you decide to take some passive-aggressive
action? Did you get enraged? Anger is a healthy and valuable emotion
but it is not a behavior. Yet, when the cultural norm connects anger
with hitting, the message to the nervous system is that anger is
violence.

We must remove the values that accept violence as a means of
resolving conflict. This means eliminating all spanking, slapping,
hair pulling, tickling into hysteria, and shaking. This includes
hitting others, things or ourselves. This includes phones, doors,
punching bags, pillows, bataka bats, anything! Anyone who says that
throwing things or hitting something is okay still hasn't dealt with
the childhood message that those who love you are also those who hit
you. Once we learn that hitting is never a display of love, things
can change.

Now, take your index finger, point it and say "It's the schools,
movies, talk shows, soap operas, cartoons, the news. It's the _____
(fill in the blank)." How much longer are you going to blame others?
Now, look at the direction your other fingers are pointing - directly
at you. Not to take on the blame, but to take on the responsibility
to (1) eliminate all forms of violence from your life and your
experience with children, (2) encourage anyone who has been battered,
regardless of sex, to come forward to find services that don't deny
their experience, (3) write letters to advertisers, to the media, and
to the legislature to make tougher laws against all forms of
violence, and (4) take the most important step by making a financial
contribution to the organizations and people who are working with
this issue on a daily basis. How much longer are you going to collude
with the status quo? Commit today to quit using excuses for your own
and others use of violence and make your stand publicly known!
There's no time like the present to start! Bobby
Knight

Signs of Domestic Violence

No one has the right to be abusive in relationship. If you are
concerned about whether you are in an abusive relationship, ask these
questions, considered to be warning signs of a problem.

Was there violence in her family of origin?

Does she have mood swings, where one moment she's feel loving
and affectionate, and the next moment angry and threatening?

Has she humiliated you in front of others?

Does she anger easily when drinking or on drugs?

During conflict does she often threaten or ignore you, destroy
personal property or sentimental items, slam doors, or leave?

Does she try to control how you think, dress, who you see, how
you spend your time, how you spend your money?

Does she try to discourage you from seeing your family or
friends?

Does she get angry or resentful when you are successful in a
job or hobby?

Does she prevent you from working or attending school?

Does her conversation ever escalate into threats of separation
or divorce?

Does she ever threaten to hurt you, herself, or others, if you
talk about leaving her?

Does she criticize you for little things?

Does she do or say things that are designed to make you feel
"incompetent", "crazy" or "stupid"?

Does she blame alcohol, drugs, stress, the children, others,
especially you, or other life events for her behavior?

Does she feel guilty after aggressive behavior and strive for
your forgiveness?

Does she think that she could never live without you, yet
other times wants you out?

Does she force you to have sex against your will?

Does she use sex or other favors as a way to "make up" after
conflict?

Does she control all finances and force you to account in
detail for what you spend?

Are you sometimes afraid of her?

If you answer yes to any of these questions, you are in a
potentially abusive relationship and should talk with police, social
services (especially if children are getting abused), a therapist,
minister or friend. And check out The Rights
of Battered Men . Realize that you are not alone, there are other
men who are abused by their wives or girl friends. The second thing
is to know that you simply don't deserve to be treated like that. You
also need to know And they do need to know sources of help -- though
unfortunately, they're often individual counselors and not
groups.

Now, switch the words in the list from she/her/etc. to you. If you
review these questions and answer yes to any of them, seek help for
yourself. Start with Alternatives
to Violence Resources (Includes services for male and female
perpetrators and male and female victims) More information and signs
to look for can be found at blainn.cc/abuse/index.html

Counseling for person affected

Another important issue in assessing clients for DV lies in differing
definitions of abuse  the therapists definition may
differ from that of the client, and paying close attention to the way
the client describes their experiences is crucial in developing
effective treatment plans. The therapist must determine if it is in
the best interest of the client to explain that some behaviors (such
as emotional abuse) are considered domestic violence, even if
she did not previously consider them as such.
(Editor's note: I changed "she" to "the
client" on Wikipedia since "emotional abuse" is often used against
men and they don't understand that as an element of domestic
violence.)Source: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Domestic_violence#Counseling_for_person_affected

Men as Batterers or Insecure Men
Using Violence to Maintain Power

Here's one look at how many men "learned violence." We all learned
that "Boys don't hit girls - ever!" And, as children, boys who hit
girls are ridiculed by other boys. However, boys grow up in a society
dominated by men. Men control the heights of politics, economics,
trade unions and religions. They define mainstream ideology.
Masculinity is tied to having power, power to control emotions, power
to control others, power to control the world.

But when a boy reaches puberty, he experiences the realities of
being a young human being. He has feelings and impulses he's learned
are inconsistent with "manhood." Girls often hit, slap or punch them.
And, self doubt starts. He worries he's not tough enough or muscular
enough. He suppresses emotions and behavior that his peers might
think are weak And he is terrified of that insecurity, of not making
the masculine grade.

Therein lies a lethal combination. Power, feeling entitled to that
power and insecurity. And for some men, degradation and violence are
used to maintain that sense of power. The guy who's had a bad day at
work may hit his wife at home to prove he is in control of his world.
Masculinity restored. For now. The big challenge of prevention
strategies is how to break those fears and behavior which are both an
assertion of power and expression of insecurity.

Here are some questions you can review to see if you have a
problem with abuse:

Have you ever hit, pushed, grabbed, or threatened your
partner, or frightened or intimidated her in other ways?

Has she told you that she's afraid of you, or shown fear in
other ways? Are your children afraid of you?

Do you insult her, call her names, or say things that make her
uncomfortable?

Do you often pressure her to do things your way, even if she
does not want to?

Does she complain that you are trying to control her
life?

When you treat her badly, do you consider it her fault? Do you
blame it on alcohol or other drugs, stress, or family
problems?

Has she complained about jealous or possessive behavior on
your part?

Our experience shows us that once a man begins to use abuse in any
of these ways, he has a problem that won't go away, and will most
likely get worse. Men often feel guilty and apologetic after an
abusive incident, and may promise themselves and their partners that
they will change. Unfortunately, we have found that even with the
best intentions, men do not stop being abusive without outside
assistance. No one said preventing violence is easy. But, the
violence was learned and it can be unlearned. If you answered "yes"
to any of these questions you could benefit from one of the Alternatives
to Violence or Anger Management programs.

What Can You Learn from a Program

All types of men attend these programs. Participants from a wide
variety of incomes, occupations and ethnic and racial backgrounds
attend. Some of the things you will learn:

That anger is an emotion and violence is a behavior.

Take full responsibility for your behavior

Understand that abuse is a choice and that you can choose not
to be abusive, no matter how you are feeling.

Understand the effects of abuse on your partner and your
children.

Identify and change attitudes that lead to abusive
behavior

Learn and implement alternative behaviors when you are
angry

What All Men Can Do

The majority of men are nonviolent. And, that most of those who are
abusive want to change but lack the knowledge and resources. However,
most men, although never violent, have remained silent. Through our
silence, we have allowed the violence to continue. Here are some
steps we can do take to change things.

Do our homework. Listen to women; learn from their experience.
Read women's literature. Read articles and books about masculinity
and the root causes of violence. Educate ourselves to see the
connection between how men are conditioned in this culture and how
that conditioning results in abusive behavior.

Reflect. How can we change our abusive and controlling
behavior?

Use inclusive, nonsexist language and acts.

Pledge to never commit, condone or remain silent about
violence.

Confront sexist, racist, homophobic, and any other bigoted
remarks or jokes. And, particularly in children's and adolescent
sports. (Bobby
Knight putting a tampon in a players locker to motivate him
shows contempt for women - "You play like a
girl." Fortunately, the top women in most individual
sports outpace most men but the implication is that there is
something wrong with women and you don't want to be like
"them.")

Don't fund sexism. Don't purchase magazines, rent videos, or
buy tapes and CDs that portray women (e.g., Simon
& Schuster) or men (e.g., Dixie
Chicks) in violent or sexually degrading ways. Write to
publishers and editors when you find sexism in newspapers and
magazines. Protest the gratuitous use of violence and sex in
television and film by writing TV and movie executives. (Where
to Write)

Challenge candidates for political office at every level, from
student government to Congress. Ask them to be committed to the
full social, economic, and political equality of women and men and
oppose those who are not so committed.

Support and advocate for increased government funding for
shelters, rape crisis centers and organizations that promote
true gender equality. Support and volunteer to assist
programs that counsel men who abuse and are abused by women.

Propose and/or support curriculum changes, at every level of
the educational system, that mandate courses and programs to
eliminate sexism and sexual violence. Pressure school
administrators to require these activities.

Organize a group of men--in school, at work, at church, or
among a circle of friends--to met regularly and reflect on
changing our behavior and being positive agents of change.

Invite other men to see the advantages for all of us if we
support women's issues and work for true gender equality.
The key here is true since many organization and government
programs are really not based on equality but a shift of power
from one sex to the other.

Work together with women to build a renewed society in which
men and women can enjoy equality in all things. Equality breeds
respect and therefore greatly diminishes the likelihood of
violence in a relationships. Help build strong families,
strengthen communities and in so doing, make the world safe for
children.

Women as Batterers

Mostly, the idea of battered men evokes comic-strip images of the
wife wielding a rolling pin. At first glance, the notion that this
could be a widespread or serious problem strikes most people as
ridiculous -- including some who have had been personally affected.
Fifteen years ago, some researchers studying female violence were
subjected to harassment that ranged from heckling at their
appearances to ugly rumors about their personal lives to death
threats. Despite growing evidence that violence in the home often
involves female aggression or mutual combat, resistance to the view
of domestic violence as a two-way street remains strong. Domestic
violence organizations have proclaim a "backlash" against women and
others warn that if more attention is paid to female violence,
women's shelters may lose support as public concern and resources and
that battered women will find less sympathy when they go to the
police or to courts. This is not to say that the conventional image
is never accurate. All too many women are battered and terrorized by
abusive husbands. But it's only one side of the story.

According to the US Justice Department and the Centers for
Prevention & Disease control, over 1/3 of all batterers
involved in domestic violence were wives or girlfriends. Are you a
victim and don't know it? Are you willing to take the chance that you
could "die of embarrassment" or are you willing to admit it?

In 1998 there were 2,335,000 reported cases of spousal abuse.
1,500,00 women were abused by their husbands or boyfriends. However,
many that haven't been around or heard the stories over the years
were shocked to see that 835,000 men were battered by their wives or
girlfriends which represent over 1/3 of all domestic violence cases.
Other reports by the U. S. Justice Department showed that "out of
8,000 men surveyed, 9.7% of male domestic violence victims took out
restraining orders. Out of 8,000 women surveyed, 68% violated
restraining orders. And, each year, approximately 1 in 1,000 men
report violent victimization by an intimate." This doesn't count
emotional or verbal abuse.

This was a shock on the talk show circuit, though female violence
is acted out every day on Sally Jesse Raphael and Jerry Springer. On
2/25/99 Montel did a show on this "Ugly Little Secret" and a few days
later on March 2, 1999, Oprah did a show calling it "The Shameful
Secret". Both seemed surprised and listened as the women gave excuses
- he made me angry, he walked away, I couldn't help it, I grew up in
an abusive household.

The closing was also surprising. Oprah gave no resource
information, phone numbers, nothing for battered men or women
perpetrators, and Montel did give a number for the National Domestic
Violence Hotlline at 800.799.SAFE (7233). Unfortunately, the
person we talked to didn't know of any resources in the nation for
battered men and women perpetrators. Other sources tell us that there
are at least of the 24 Alternatives to Violence programs in the state
of Texas (where the hotline is based) that offer such programs but
the people who run the hotline haven't provided us with any contacts.
As of 6.15.00 it will be a year since we asked.

We have gathered 36 such programs that are listed in our
"resource"
section. The code for battered men is 86 and 89 for women
perpetrators.

We've also prepared a rather extensive section directed to
men at the end of this section called The
Rights of Battered Men and another topic titled The
Beat Goes On about how violence from women to men is acted out
daily on television and accepted as okay. Also a write-up on possible
cause titled TV violence. Check it
out.

What Male Victims Can Do

While we wait for more enlightened policies, what can a man do if he
is being battered? Here are some tips based on research data, expert
opinions, and personal stories:

Take the violence seriously. Many men are inclined to find it
amusing when the "little woman" lashes out at them. (In one survey of
college students, 20 percent of men who had been attacked by their
girlfriends thought it was funny.) Violence that seems harmless at
first can escalate. The first time she hits you, tell her that if
there's a second time, it will be the last time she sees you -- and
act on it.

Don't hit back. While I believe that a woman who slugs a man and
then gets slugged bears responsibility for the consequences, fighting
back is not a very good idea. If you're an average man and your
partner is an average woman, you can do major damage with a single
blow. You'll feel a lot better about yourself if you don't hit her.
However, don't restrain here, either, since, under current law in
many states that is also seen as domestic violence and can hold a
felony charge. The best thing to do, if children aren't involved, is
to leave so you stand less of a chance being charged with
assault.

Don't keep it a secret. If you cannot easily leave -- because of
the children, for example -- let someone know what is happening.
Overcome the embarrassment and call the police. Talk to a counselor,
to your doctor, to family members. When you do leave, evidence of
abuse may help you win custody of the children. And it may help if
you find yourself on the receiving end of an assault charge.

Speak out about your experience as a victim of abuse. If just the
men who were being abused spoke out, the press, schools, law
enforcement and the medical profession couldn't ignore it any longer
and maybe we as a society will finally realize that domestic violence
is not about "patriarchy" but about human imperfection; that it is
not a gender issue but a human issue. Maybe then we can stop the
blame game and look for ways to make our society less violent. See
"What You Should Always do if You Are Battered"
below.

Note: This is general information provided by
many women's organizations to women involved in domestic violence. To
date, we haven't found any such publications direct to men. And,
while the police, district attorneys, children's protective services,
private attorneys, therapists and the public in general treat men who
claim to be abused much like they treated women 20 years ago, in
disbelief, the same rules "should" apply and we are making the
assumption that they do apply. There are also risks at reporting
being battered or emotionally abused, since the females word is
usually taken as fact, even if the wounds are only on the man. Many
calls we have received have been from men who are victims of abuse
from wives who were beating their children. Many people will advise
to leave the scene. If you do, it would be wise to remove the
children, also. This, too, can be risky. If you report it, it can
often be turned against you. If you don't report it, you can receive
a longer sentence than the child batterers for not protecting your
children. With that in mind, here is some general guidance. The laws
vary by state.

I. Introduction

1. The Hidden Crime

Domestic violence is a term which is used to refer to many types
of abuse. Here, it is defined as the use of verbal abuse and physical
force between husband and wife or between couples in an ongoing
relationship. It may start with angry words and a shove or a slap.
Once a pattern of abuse is established, the assaults can become more
frequent and more violent over time. It may result in permanent
physical injury. Sometimes it ends in death. Almost always it leaves
the persons involved feeling isolated, angry, disappointed, lonely
and bitter.

Little research has been done on domestic violence toward men
because few men are willing to admit that they have been beaten by
their partners. However, doctors, the police and mental health
professionals have been increasingly aware that the problem does
exist. It is estimated that from three to ten times the known number
of assaults are never reported to anyone. It is believed that the
single, most unreported crime occurring in this country is domestic
assault.

2. The Causes

Violence between partners can be triggered by the stress of life
changes such as a pregnancy or job loss. Frustration, alcoholism and
drug abuse can contribute to the problem. Attitudes also play a large
role in the underlying causes of domestic violence. Many of us have
grown up hearing these phrases: "He deserves it", "I'll
show him who wears the pants in this family", "I can't control my
rage". Common beliefs are that man somehow provoke the attacks,
deserve it for what he said, he can take it. These misconceptions are
frequently used to blame the man and to justify the physical and
verbal abuse.

Domestic violence is often viewed as a "family problem", and some
police, courts, hospitals and social service agencies hesitate to
intervene, especially on the husbands complaint. However, as part of
the growing concern of the level of violence in our culture, these
agencies and other community groups are beginning to look more
closely at the causes of violence within the home, and the part women
play.

3. The Victims

There is no typical domestic violence victim; in fact, anyone
could become a victim. Because they have seen themselves as being
able to handle anything, without resources and other options, men are
now taking a surprising level of abuse and violence. Young, old,
black, white, single, married, gay, straight, professional,
unemployed, rich, poor - all may be potential victims.

Children are also affected. When children witness violence between
their parents, they may learn violence as a way of life and may later
become involved in abusive relationships themselves. They may even
see violence as the only expression of love, if that has been their
experience. And, a new cycle of domestic assaults could begin.

4. The Assailant

There is no typical abuser. Like the victim, she comes from all
walks of life. To the public, she may seem to be a good person, a
warm and loving mother, and a law-abiding citizen. However, she
frequently has a low opinion of herself, and alcohol or drugs are
often present at the time of the assault. Usually she refuses to
accept responsibility for her abusive behavior: "I was
drunk" or "I didn't know what I was doing." She may,
in fact, believe the abuse is justified and the assaults
continue.

5. For Better or Worse

There are many reasons why a man stays in a violent relationship.
He often does not know that physical assault against a man is a
crime, even if the assailant is his wife or girlfriend. After all,
they see it almost daily on the popular television
shows like Melrose Place, Chicago Hope, even Suddenly Susan and 3rd
Rock from the Sun. Women slapping, hitting, punching men without
anyone saying a word. He often feels that it is up to him to make the
relationship work or that he is a failure as a husband and father if
he leaves. He may be ashamed or embarrassed to admit that he is being
beaten or that he chose his partner unwisely. When she's not beating
him, his partner can be a kind and caring person - he loves that side
of her and hopes she will change. He may firmly believe in his
marriage vows "for better or for worse, till death do us part". His
religion may not permit divorce, and his pastor or priest may, in
fact, encourage him to "stick it out." His partner may
have prevented him from keeping in touch with family and friends and
he feels he has no one to turn to for emotional support. After all,
that's been his training since a little boy. Handle it. Often, there
are several children to care for and he may feel incapable to
adequately caring for them. Violence could have been part of his
background and is now accepted as part of life. Perhaps he feels that
his children need a mother. He may have tried to leave before, only
to have his partner humiliate him in public, or at his work. His
partner may have threatened to kill him if he leaves, or charge him
with child abuse, even sexual abuse, and he believes that she can
carry out her threats. He may not know that help is available. The
list goes on and is different for each individual. But there is one
feeling that all men who are battered share: fear of leaving and fear
of staying and if children are involved, what would happen to the
children if he isn't there to intervene.

6. The Need for Change

For many men, the day finally comes when they can no longer take
the physical and verbal abuse. It may have been the first or fiftieth
assault. Perhaps one of the children was involved. The man could be
injured and in need of medical attention. He is often mentally and
physically exhausted. Perhaps he wants help for his partner or help
in understanding her. He sees that his children are being affected by
the violence. He feels angry, frightened, desperate and terribly
alone. Especially if he's tried to tell someone about it. The
response invariably comes back "What did you do to provoke it" like
it's all his fault. Or worse, "What kind of a man lets his wife hit
him." And, he doesn't dare tell his therapist because, in most
states, they are require to report the situation to authorities,
especially if children are involved. He feels trapped in the
situation and sees no way out. He may feel certain that the next
assault will kill him. These and other reasons can trigger a man to
think about change.

Every man has the right to be safe from beatings, threats and
ridicule. No woman, including your wife, has the right to batter you.
You have the right to protect yourself and your children and to get
the help you need to make your life more peaceful and stable.

This website contains some information about your legal rights,
how to assert those rights, and the problems you may encounter when
you ask the legal system for assistance. Some information on
how to
find help with other problems you might have is also available
elsewhere in this site. And, many books are listed under violence-general,
violence-domestic,and
violence-sexual
harassment.

You can use the legal system to help you make the changes you want
in your life. But it is important to realize that the help the legal
system offers is limited and often bias. There are many things the
legal system cannot do. It can only help you with legal problems, not
with medical or emotional problems or with the daily frustrations you
may face if you decide to change your life.

In addition, you should recognize that the legal system is not
accustomed to helping battered men. For a long time, many police
officers, prosecutors and judges have had the attitude that battered
men asked for the beatings or deserved what they got. Many of these
people have become more sympathetic to the problems of battered men
in the last few years. But it is likely that you will still encounter
the old attitudes as you ask the legal system for assistance. It's so
easy to presume the bigger person, the male, was the perpetrator.
Regardless of what the U.S. Justice Department findings are. (1998 -
over 1/3 of all domestic violence cases involved the woman as the
perpetrator. And, the woman was more likely to use a weapon.) Of the
reports of sexual abuse of children in a household, 2/3rds of the
3,000,000 cases brought to Child Protective Services were found not
to be verifiable. And, many of these cases were against the father in
a divorce/custody battle. So, there are risks.

Try not to be discouraged. Keep in mind what you are trying to
accomplish for yourself when you encounter delays, unexpected
expenses, and other frustrations. It will probably help you keep your
morale up if you talk to others about what you are going through.
Friends, relatives, and coworkers, as well as peer lead men's groups,
can give you moral support and practical help. And, the few programs
that are available for battered men. (See Code
86.) It is advisable to ask one of these people to accompany you
whenever you talk to the police or prosecutor or go to court. These
are times when you'll need the support of a sympathetic friend.

This html will probably not answer all your questions about your
basic legal rights. (Each states has its own laws, and its own
interpretations to those laws.) This is provided to give some basic
information and to answer the most frequently asked questions. The
following information is not meant to substitute for legal counsel,
nor are they complete. For more detailed information, you should
consult a lawyer, a crisis center, other community services center or
your district attorney. There are some battered women's shelters that
take in men (though not many) and even more that can provide support.
However, be very suspicious of any service that asks what you did to
provoke the violence.
NO ONE EVER HAS THE RIGHT TO HIT,
KICK, SLAP OR HUMILIATE ANOTHER PERSON,
EVER! Remember that.

If you are a battered man who is being beaten by another man (a
rare, though possible, occurrence), much of the information in this
booklet will not directly apply to our situation. However, you also
have the right to be free of physical abuse. Please call any of the
sources listed in the above paragraph to find out what you can
do.

II. How to use this Section

1. Read "What You Should Always Do if You Are Battered. This
section describes actions you should always take immediately after
you have been battered.

2. If you are not a U.S. citizen, read the section on "Immigration
Problems".

3. Read the titles of the other sections to decide which may help
you. This site is arrange in four (4) parts:

i). Preliminary Decisions, like what do you want to do (besides be
safe from another beating). For example, should you move out or not,
or can you defend yourself by hurting your attacker? Can you legally
restrain her from attacking without being charged with a felony?
Also, this section tells you what to do if you have children.

ii). Criminal Justice System, like involving the police who can
arrest your attacker and start the process that can lead to her
conviction of the crime of abuse.

iii). Civil Actions, like getting a divorce or separation (or a
property settlement if you are not married but are living together),
or going to court to get a "restraining order" which is a court order
telling the person abusing you to stay away and not bother you
anymore.

iv). Starting a New Life, like whether or not you will need
outside support to live and whether you should leave the area if you
decide that you do want to change your lifestyle.

4. Then, read the longer explanation of the sections that your
think might help you.

5. Take action. Most sections tell you who to go to for the next
step, but if you still aren't sure, or you have some more questions,
contact a lawyer, or a community service counselor. The names of some
of those people appear at the back of this section, or you might find
them through the people who told you about this website, or you can
call information (411) in your area. Or, possible, 911, if it is an
emergency, especially if children are involved.

6. Remember, you can decide to do more than one thing at a time.
For example, you can move out and file for divorce, or you can get a
restraining order and file for divorce. You can also try one option,
like calling the police, and it that doesn't work, try another like
getting a restraining order. And, while many district attorney's
offices offer booklets and information for women on how to get a
restraining order in your area, be persistent. Get that information.
Ask for help. Make it happen!

III. What You Should Always do if You Are
Battered

1. Make sure you and your children are safe from another
beating.

If your attacked has left the house but may come back, you should
leave or call a friend to come stay with you. If your attacked is
still in the house and you think she may batter you again, you should
leave. Go to a neighbor's house or call a friend or relative to come
pick you up. You can also ask the police to take you some safe place,
or, at least ask them to let you know if there is somewhere you can
go to get assistance. Whenever you feel you are in danger, either
leave or get someone you trust to stay with you. It is better to
leave your home than to be seriously injured during a beating, even
if you have to leave the house in in the middle of the night. You may
be embarrassed, but you will be safe and healthy.

This may be difficult if there are children in the house. If you
fear for their safety, you must protect them. If that means staying
in the house, you must stay in the house. If that means taking the
children with you, then take the children with you. You may be at
risk either way if she claims you were abusive. But, if you don't
protect your children, the results could easily be prison even if she
is accused of child abuse. And, chances are, you term will be longer
since you didn't do whatever was necessary to protect your children.
This includes not reporting the child abuse when it first happens.
The longer it goes on, the more you stand to lose. And, the longer
you may be separated from your children.

2. Get medical attention.

Always get the medical attention you need after a battering. Don't
try to patch yourself up You may be hurt much worse than you realize.
As soon as you can, see your private doctor or go to the emergency
room of a hospital. It is best to tell the doctor and nurses what
happened to you so they can note it in their records and you can use
the records for future evidence. They are not required to call the
police if you don't want them to, in most states. The most important
thing is to get the medical care you need. Note: That the
American Medical Association has printed a series of booklets on
Domestic Violence to teach those in emergency rooms how to recognize
and treat domestic violence only towards women. We only found one
reference in all of their literature to these doctors or nurses of a
male victim and female perpetrator. It reads "The terms spouse-abuse
and partner-abuse reflect an awareness that men also can be abused in
intimate relationships. The extent to which findings about battered
women can be applied to men who are abused by women...is not known.
In clinical practice, these issues also must be addressed in a
sensitive and nonjudgmental manner." Even the usage of the
word "batterer" in reference to men and "abuser" as a reference to
women shows bias. Hopefully, "abused" men seeking care in emergency
departments, ambulatory-care internal medicine clinics,
psychiatric-emergency service will be aware of the physical events of
abuse whether the story is about running into a door, slap boxing
with the guys, or the statement that their wife or lover battered
them.

3. Save all the evidence (proof) you can of what happened to
you.

As must as you are able to, you should save things which prove
that you were attacked and how badly you were injured. Later, after
your injuries have healed, you will need this evidence to get a court
to help you. You should save the evidence even if you think you will
never want to prove that this woman beat you. You may change your
mind later on and take her to court.

Try to get friends or someone to take color pictures of your
injuries as soon as possible after the beating. Do not use old-style
Polaroid film (the type that requires application of a liquid
"fixer") because the pictures will fade. You can also ask the police
to take you to the station to have pictures taken. Save any torn or
bloody clothing. See a doctor after the beating and get a copy of
your medical records. Ask the police for a copy of the report they
make. (Note: in some areas you will need the report number
before the police will release a copy, so be sure to get this
information from the police making the
report.) All of these things are your proof of
what happened to you. You may not think they are important now. But
violence always escalates. And the next one might be the last one,
but if there are no records of previous attacks, it won't hold the
same importance, regardless of how severe.

IV. Primary Considerations

You must decide whether you want to take action or whether you
want to stay in your present situation. For some men, battering is a
once-in-a-lifetime experience. For others, it becomes a pattern of
abuse. What you do depends on your situation. You ca either: move
out, kick her out, or stay where you are. You also can choose to
defend yourself. However, be sure of local laws since women are
allowed more aggressive defense, and merely restraining your spouses
arms might qualify you as a felon. Some women have even used a
premenstrual Syndrome defense for murdering their husbands and gotten
off scott free.

1) Moving out.

You do not have to stay with your wife or girlfriend. You can move
out. If you have children, you can take them with you. Read the
section below on taking your children it if applies to you.

i). Where to Go

If you can, stay with a man friend or with relatives. Do not stay
with a woman who lives alone, unless she is your sister, mother or
grandmother. Living with a woman you are not married to could hurt
your chances of getting custody of your children.

While there battered shelter's for men and children are almost
nonexistent, where they exist, you can go with your children for a
temporary stay. The staff can help you get legal, financial and
medical help. You will also have an opportunity to talk with others
who have been abused. And, while there are some different patterns of
abuse batterer women and men, many of the same things happen to both
sexes.

Most shelters are free or very low cost. You can find a shelter by
calling an emergency hotline in your community or a men's batterers
program, though most of them have little knowledge or support for men
as victims. (Some
resources.) You can also ask the police for direction. If you
take your children with you, try to give them as much stability as
possible. Moving around a lot may not only adversely affect your
children but may also affect your chances of getting custody. By the
way, while the children are often returned to the abusive mother, it
is currently being believed that they are not necessarily save in
that situation. Often when the father is the batterer, though there
is no evidence of child abuse, he is often not allowed to be with
them without observed visitation. While little attention has been
paid to women batterers in general, we will assume that women are no
less in control of their violence with children as they are with
adults. (If you doubt this, make an visit to the super market some
weekday afternoon to experience evidence enough of that
out-of-control nature.)

ii). What to take.

When you leave, try to take as many of the following items as you
can. You may not be able to go back for these things later:

If you're thinking about leaving, it would be a good idea to put
these things together in one place where you can get to them in a
hurry.

You may take anything that belongs to you alone and anything that
belongs to you and your wife together. You can withdraw money you
have in a joint bank account with your wife or girlfriend. You may
not take anything that belongs only to your wife and you may not
destroy property that belongs to both of you.

If you do not take these things when you leave, you can ask the
police to escort you back to your house at a later time and to wait
while you get your things. The police will wait only a few minutes
and will only let you take things that obviously belong to you or
your children, such as clothing. Or, you can wait until your wife or
girlfriend goes to work and then go into the house and get what you
need. However, if you do go back and your wife or girlfriend won't
let you in, the police probably cannot force her to let you in
without a court order.

iii). Once you move.

Once you move, you should be careful about who you give your new
address and phone number to. Your attacker may try to find you.
Consider renting a post office box for your mail or using the address
and phone number of a friend. Remember that hour wife or girlfriend
may try to get your new address or phone number from your children.
If you go to court, you can use a post office box or your lawyer's
address as your address. If you give the District Attorney your
address, s/he may give it to your attacker's attorney.

iv). Taking your children.

You can move out and take your children with you (unless their
mother has been given custody of them in a legal proceeding). If you
can, it is best to take your children with you. If you feel you are
in immediate physical danger and cannot take your children, leave
anyway. This does not mean you will lose your right to get custody of
your children. The question of permanent custody will be decided
later by a judge.

Whether of not you take the children, if you want them with you,
see a lawyer as soon as you can to get a temporary custody order.
This gives you the right to keep your children until a judge orders
differently in a divorce proceeding. Until one of you gets a
temporary custody order, you each have equal rights to the chidden.
It is important to get this temporary custody order before the
children's mother does.

Be careful who you leave your children with when you go our since
their mother may try to get them back. Try not to leave them in a
place where their mother can easily find them. To protect the
children, notify the children's school of the problem and request
that the children not be released to anyone except you. A temporary
custody order also means that if the mother does find and take your
children, you may ask the police to help you get them back.

When seeking a temporary custody order, stress anything about your
wife's conduct that would negatively affect the children's safety.
Examples are a history of child abuse, drunk driving, alcoholism, or
drug addiction.

If you do not have your children with you, it is very important to
get the temporary custody order soon after you leave. The longer your
children are with their mother, the less likely it is that a court
will give you custody.

If you have to leave without your children and you feel that they
are in danger, call your county's Children's Protective Service
Office (CPS) so that arrangements can be made for the removal of
the children from the home to safety. However, be aware that
regaining custody of the children through the court might involve
proof of your fitness as a parent and that it would be in the best
interests of the children to be returned to your custody.

2. Kicking Her Out

Legally, you do not lose your rights to your house or apartment if
you move out. A court is supposed to decide later who will be able to
live in the fairly home. In reality, you might not be able to get
back the home you shared with your wife or girlfriend once you've
left.

If, however, you can show you have nowhere else to go and your
wife has "income" (a job), and she controls the money, you may
be able to get a "kick out" order from a court (a restraining order
telling your attacked to move out.) This allows you to return to the
family home and get the police to kick the attacker out. If you get a
"kick out" order, change the locks as soon as possible to make sure
the batterer can't get back into the house unless you decide to let
her in. If she does return, you can get the police to arrest her for
violating the "kick out" order.

3. Staying in Your Home

You may stay in your house or apartment if you want to. If you
think you may be battered again, have someone stay with you. Some
women will not hit a man in front of another adult. Advise a neighbor
to call the police if the abuser bothers you at home.

If you own or rent your house or apartment with your attacked, you
may not refuse to let her in. The only way you can legally refuse to
let her in is to get a court order telling her she must stay out,
either a "kick out" order discussed above or a restraining order,
discussed earlier.

If your attacker does not own or rent your home with you, you may
ask her to leave, take her keys, or change the house locks. Make sure
you give her all her things - even if you must box them up and put
them outside of the house for her. If she refuses to leave or tries
to break in, you can call the police and ask to have her arrested for
trespassing. If she has been living with you, the police may be
reluctant to throw her out, and yo may have to get a court
restraining order. Once you throw her out, don't let her back in,
even if she seems calm. If you want to see her, meet her somewhere
else.

4. Defending Yourself

In some situations, you have the legal right to stop your attacker
from beating you. And, while women often have the right to fight back
with forces of their own. However, if you fight back or restraint
your wife, you may be seen as the abuser and so charged. The best
defense is to remove your self from the scene and if children are
involved, take the children with you, so take the abuse (which in
retrospect may produce bruises that can be used as evidence. This is
tricky. The law is usually seen different for women than men.

Women, if they feel they are in immediate danger of physical harm
to themselves at the time, she may "fight back." This means during a
beating or when you are threatening to beat her right away and she is
pretty sure you are serious. This does not mean after you have
finished beating her and are asleep or have calmed down. However,
this is seldom an alternative. Block and leave are the safest
alternatives so that you aren't seen as the attacker.

Helpful and practical self-defense techniques for you might
include learning to be alert to the threat of violence before it
happens and leaning how to stop an attacker just long enough to allow
you to escape. And, there are Model Mugging courses designed for men
which will give you some helpful information.

V. The Criminal Justice System

Calling the police sets in motion the criminal justice part of our
legal system. This can lead to the arrest, conviction, and
imprisonment of your attacker. However, as you will see, calling the
police will usually lead to far less than this.

1. Calling the Police

The police can help you in three ways:

i). They can protect you from the immediate danger and help you
get out of the house safely.

ii). They can serve as a mediator between you and your batterer.
(However, this approach is viewed by many to be an ineffective means
of resolving the problem...see below.)

iii). In certain circumstances, they ca arrest your attacker which
could lead to her conviction and even imprisonment.

The police generally view family disputes differently from other
crimes. Because of the nature of your relationship with the women,
many police officers are reluctant to interfere in what they consider
a "personal" problem, especially if it is the man that makes the call
or claims they were abused. However, there are certain things that
you can say and do that will encourage them to intervene in your
case.

2. When you call the police, tell them exactly what
happened.

The person you will talk to s the dispatcher. His or her job is to
decide whether to send a police car to your home, to classify your
situation (as an emergency, a minor disturbance, a crank call, etc.),
and to tell the police officers what to expect when they arrive.

Whenever you call the police, explain exactly what is happening to
you. For example, "My wife hit me. Now she's threatening me with a
knife." The dispatcher may ask you some questions. Answer
as clearly as you can, and in addition be sure to say if:

i). you have suffered any serious injuries
ii). your attacher is still there or has threatened to return
soon.
iii). there is a weapon involved.
iv). your attacker is drunk or on drugs
v) you have called the police before
vi). the women is on parole or probation
vii). you have a temporary restraining order against the women

The police will respond faster if any of these factors are
present, and they will be better prepared to help you when they
arrive. Call them as soon as you can - the longer you wait after a
battering to call, the less likely they are to tae you seriously and
to help you. If the police don't come within ten minutes, call them
again.

1. Protection from the immediate danger.

The police are anxious to assist people who are in a crisis - this
is their job. While they are at your home, they can give you
temporary physical protection from your attacker. They can help you
and your children get out of the house safely if you want to leave.
They can give you first aid if you are injured or drive you to a
hospital, friend's house or other safe place. If they are reluctant
to give you a ride, ask them at least to wait until you gather your
things, get ini your car, call a cab, or arrange to have a friend
pick you up.

2. Mediation between you and your attacker.

Although the police are not professional counselors, they are
trained to "defuse" domestic crisis situations by talking to people
and by helping them talk with each other. This generally involves
calming down you and your wife or girlfriend, talking to both of you
and trying to work out a compromise. They might suggest that one of
you (probably you) spend the night with a friend or that one or both
of you seek counseling. Although the police favor this approach, many
communities are discouraging this practice as not being an effective
solution in that it only serves to perpetuate the problem rather than
solve it.

The police do have information on a variety of social services
that may help you work out a long germ solution to your problem. For
example, if the woman is hurting you because she is drunk or taking
drugs, they can give you referrals to alcohol or drug treatment
centers. If you would like to see a family counselor, or if your wife
or girlfriend is willing to undergo psychiatric therapy, the police
can recommend counselors. If you feel trapped because you have no
money, they can tell you where to go to apply for welfare, AFDC, or
other emergency funds. Finally, may be able to refer you to a local
program. Unfortunately, even though there is such a high incidence of
women batterers, there are very few services for male victims and
female perpetrators. Remember, however, that while the police can
recommend these various services to you, you must arrange for help by
making the appointments, and you must urge the woman involved to
cooperate. The police generally do not do these things for you, nor
do they arrange to have the service groups contact you.

3. Arresting your batterer.

While the police will usually be able to arrest your wife or
girlfriend, they are extremely reluctant to do so. One reason for
this is that it has been their experience that many men who initially
ask to have their attackers arrested later change their minds and
decide to drop the chargers. A man might do this because:

i). He fears that she will claim that he was the abuse
ii). He fears that she will claim he abused their children.
iii). He fears what the woman might do to him for having her taken to
jail
iv). He is concerned that if the woman is arrested, their friends and
family will find out
v). He fears that if his woman goes to jail, she will lose her job
and be unable to help support the family and their children or
vi). He calms down, and as his wounds heal he forgets the terror of
the attack and decides to give his lover one more chance. Often,
after a beating, the man and his attacker "make up". She may promise
never to hit him again. They may tell each other they love each
other. Sometimes, a battered man is only beaten once, but more often,
unfortunately, despite the promises, his batterer will beat him
again.

Arrest is also only a short term solution, and in the end, it may
just make your situation worse. The woman will only be in custody for
a little while, and when she gets out, you may be hurt again. But,
arrest is a good alternative if you think it will make the woman
realize that what she has done is a serious crime, or if it appears
to be the only way to keep her away from you for awhile so you can
decide what you want to do next.

The police can always arrest your wife or girlfriend f they
actually see her hurt you. If they arrive after the battering is
over, whether they can arrest the attacker depends on what crime it
looks like she committed. If you are badly injured (bleeding or
broken bones), of if your attacker used a deadly weapon, the woman
has committed a felony (in most states) which is punishable by at
least one year in prison, and up to 15 years in some states (though
women seldom get the term length that men are given.) In many states,
spousal abuse or beating your husband, is always a felony. When a
woman you are not married to beats you but does not seriously injure
you, she has only committed a misdemeanor - a crime which is
punishable by less than one year in prison. Unfortunately, if the
police do not see you being beaten and you are not visibly injured,
they usually cannot arrest your attacker. (There is no "probable
cause" or visible evidence to confirm that an attack probably took
place). However, you may arrest her for them by making a "citizen's
arrest."

4. Citizen's Arrest.

The police may refuse to make an arrest either because they did
not see your attacker hurt you or because they don't think battering
is a very serious matter. Others believe that spouse abuse is wrong
but think that it is acceptable in some cultures.

Whatever their reasons for refusing to make an arrest, you are
always entitled to make a citizen's arrest. The law provides that
anyone can arrest another person who commits a crime in his presence.
When the woman attacked you or your children, disturbed the peace, or
refused to leave your house (only is she doesn't live with you),she
committed a crime. To make a citizen's arrest, you must ask the
police to give you the appropriate forms to sign. (Say to the police,
"I want to make a citizen's arrest under many state's Penal Code's.
Once you have told the police what happened to you and have signed
the papers, often times requires the police to take the woman into
custody. If they refuse to assist you, take their names and badge
numbers and call the station. Ask to have other officers sent out. Be
aware, however, that the law allows the police to release the woman
from custody if they think there is no real charge against her.

A citizen's arrest is most likely to be effective when the police
would like to arrest your attacker, but can't for lack of "probable
cause"/ It allows you to make the arrest for them.

5. Police Report

Whether or not the police arrest your attacker, make sure they
make a police report. The police report is the official record of
what happened to you. It contains the date, the names of the people
involved, what happened and how they dealt with the dispute. It is
important, even if you don't plan to press charges at the time,
because:

i). If you ever decide to press charges against your attacker, you
can use it to prove the truth of your story. You can't count on the
police to remember exactly what happened when they responded to your
call.
ii). If you are ever threatened again, the police (and prosecutor)
will be more likely to help you if they know you have been injured in
the past.
iii). If you want to get a temporary restraining order, a police
report will help convince the court to grant it.

Make sure the police report is complete and accurate. It is
important to show the officers your injuries. Give them a detailed
account of the battering: Did she use her
fists? Did she kick you? Did she threaten you
with a weapon? (This can be a gun, knife, stick, lamp, or
anything at all. The police won't include it in the report unless
they see it. If the woman has hidden the weapon, and the police tell
you that they cannot search for it without a warrant, you can find it
for them). Was the woman drunk or on drugs? Were there
witnesses? Was your house or furniture
damaged? Before you sign the report make sure all these
things have been included. Have the officers read t back to you,
and make sure it is correct. You can also write your own statement
and add it to the police report if you think the police report
doesn't give the whole story.

If your attacker leaves before the police arrive, you may still
have them take a report. You can use it later to get your wife or
girlfriend arrested if she slaps or beats you again, or you can use
it as evidence in court. You can also go to the police station
shortly after you are battered (it is best to go within 24 hours) and
file a report even if you didn't call the police to your house after
the attack.

In addition to preparing a report for you, the police can be of
help as witnesses in court. They have seen your injuries, the damage
to your home, and the way you have been treated. Remember to write
down the officers' names, badge numbers and the name of the precinct
they are from. Also make a note of the date and time. Ask the
officer who makes the call for the police report number. This
information will also make it easier for you to get a copy of the
police report later.

2. Deciding to Prosecute

After your wife or girlfriend has been arrested, the decision must
be made whether to begin criminal proceedings against her. The
decision will be made by the prosecutor (the district attorney), but
what you say or do may have a great deal of influence.

In the past, men who were battered have often refused to aid in
the criminal prosecution of their attackers. Though today more men
are willing to help convict the women who abuse them, they find,
unfortunately, that the police, the prosecutors and the whole system
can be more a problem than a help. Some of the people who work in the
system would rather spend time on cases where they are sure to get a
conviction than on husband or boyfriend beatings. This means that a
battered ma may have to show that he really wants his batterer
prosecuted and will be a good and cooperative witness before the
prosecutor will take his case. A man assaulted in a park by a
stranger, or a store owner whose shop is robbed, doesn't face the
same lack of trust from the prosecutor. It isn't really fair, but it
is often true

Some police, prosecutors, and judges are now aware that husband
beating is as much a crime to be prosecuted as any other. It is a
felony. But, if you want to prosecute, you should know that some
authorities may not want to help you. You must try to be strong and
convince them to do their job and take your case.

In a criminal case you are not actually a party (a plaintiff or a
defendant) to the proceeding. Instead, it is the State, with the
prosecutor acting on your behalf, against your batterer. Because you
are not a party, you do not need a lawyer. However, if you would like
to consult a lawyer and you either have the money or qualify for
legal aid, you may do so. Whether or not you get a lawyer, you should
always have a friend come with you - to court, to the prosecutor's
office, etc. Facing the legal authorities an be scary, and it is nice
to have support along with you.

The prosecutor - he or she may be the county district attorney, or
in some large cities, the city attorney - receives a report on the
battering from the police. If you have made a citizen's arrest,
though, you must file a citizen's complaint with the prosecutor's
office. Ask the police to direct you to the correct office.

If the police were unable to arrest your battered because she left
before they arrived, or because you filed the report later, you can
ask the prosecutor to give the police a warrant for your attacker's
arrest. This will permit the police to arrest her once they find her.
To request an arrest warrant, you should take a copy of the police
report to the prosecutor's office. You may have to wait awhile in the
police station for service when you go there to get a copy of the
police report, and it will probably cost you a small fee. Even after
all the waiting, the prosecutor can refuse to issue the warrant after
s/he see the copy of the police report. But the effort may be a
worthwhile chance to take if you want your batterer arrested.

After your batterer is arrested, call the prosecutor's office to
find out which attorney will be handling the case and ask to make an
appointment with him or her. Then, when you meet with the prosecutor,
you can both discuss why your batterer should be prosecuted, and you
can show the prosecutor that you will be a good witness against the
batterer when the case gets to trial.

Some of the things the prosecutor will take into account are:

i). Have there been any other police reports filed against your
batterer in the past?
ii). Has your batterer shown a pattern of beatings (perhaps after
repeated drug or alcohol abuse)?
iii). How seriously were you injured?
iv). Did you go to a hospital?
v). Was your batterer provoked in any way?
vi) Were there any other witnesses to the attack or any other
evidence of it of any sort?

If these or any other factors you think are important apply in
your case, mention them to the prosecutor.

The prosecutor, meanwhile, will be watching to see what kind of a
witness you would make if the woman were to be put on trial. It will
be important to the prosecutor that you are serious in your concern
that the woman be prosecuted. As evidence of that concern, you may be
asked if you have instituted divorce or separation proceedings
against your wife. The prosecutor may ask you to relate the events
about the battering over and over again, to see if you are sure about
the details or are confused. Your batterer will be able to be
prosecuted only once for this incident, so the prosecutor, who is
also concerned about wasting time and money, wants to make sure the
strongest possible case is built against the batterer. How calm,
clear and determined you are will make a big difference in the
prosecutor's decision.

Again, if the prosecutor decides to go ahead, the procedures that
follow may vary depending on where you live. Remember, all parts of
the criminal process are matters of public record. You can call the
court to find out what happened at any step from arraignment to
sentencing. Just give the woman's name to the court clerk and ask for
any information desired.

3. Arraignment

Within forty-eight hours of her arrest, your attacker (the
defendant) makes her first appearance in court at a hearing called an
"arraignment." She will be informed of the charges against her and
must plead guilty or not guilty. The judge will then decide whether
to hold her in jail until the next stage of the procedure or to
release her. Most defendants in husband beating charges are released
at this point. She can be released in two ways:

a. She may be required to post a certain amount of money (bond or
bail), or
b. She may be released on her own reputation (recognizance).

Either way, she is free to come or to go as she pleases until the
trial. There is a chance that the arraignment procedure will be
postponed if the woman wants to hire her own lawyer. Otherwise, a
public defender will be assigned to her at this time.

The judge will set a date for the "preliminary hearing" (if she
was charged with a "felony") or for the "trial" (if she was charged
with a "misdemeanor") at this time. There is a chance that this date
may later be postponed. Try not to get discouraged if this happens to
you.

You do not have to appear at the arraignment. However, it is at
this point that you ask ask the judge to give you an order which will
prohibit your attacker from annoying, harassing, or molesting you in
the event she is released. The judge can make this order a condition
of bail. Then, if your attacker bothers you, she can be put in jail
until her trial, or the amount of her bail can be raised. If you
decide to go to the arraignment to request this type of order, call
the prosecutor's office. They will tell you the time and place the
arraignment will take place and how to ask for this order.

4. Preliminary Hearing (Felony Charges Only)

About a week after the arraignment takes place, a "preliminary
hearing" is held at which the judge decides whether there is enough
evidence to have a full trial. You must appear. If you do not appear,
generally they will drop the charges. The prosecutor will ask you to
"take the stand" and testify. This means that s/he will ask you to
explain what happened (for more on testifying, see The Trial,
below).

If, at the end of the hearing, the judge decides that there is not
enough evidence against the defendant, the charges will be dropped.
The proceeding will be over, and the defendant will be free. If, on
the order hand, the judge decides that there is enough evidence, s/he
will "bind over" the case (hold it for trial) to the Superior Court
(the court that tries felony cases). This means that within a few
days there will be another arraignment before trial. Bail can be
changed at this time, and any court orders already in effect can be
continued.

5. Plea Bargaining

Often, before the trial, the defendant "plea
bargains." This means her lawyer makes an agreement with
the prosecutor that the defendant will plead guilty to a less severe
crime, like simple assault, which carries a shorter sentence, instead
of pleading not guilty and having a long trial. It may also mean that
the defendant will change her plea to guilty if the prosecutor will
recommend to the judge that the defendant get the lightest
sentence.

If the batterer's case ends up being "plea bargained." don't be
disappointed. Your action did prove that battering is wrong. "Plea
bargaining" is just a part of the system and is designed to cut down
the number of cases that go to trial.

If the defendant does not "plea bargain," there will be a trial,
though it might not be for several weeks or event months. Remember,
too, that if the defendant paid bail, she will be out in the
community the whole time.

6. The Trial and Sentencing

At the trial you will be called to testify. You will be asked by
the prosecutor to describe to the court the attack against you in
great detail.

Your batterer's attorney will then try to prove that your story is
untrue by asking you other questions. S/he may do this by trying to
show that you attacked your wife or girlfriend who then beat you in
self defense. Or, the defense attorney may try to get you so confused
that you contradict your own story and look like a liar. The defense
attorney will most likely try to do something to make you look silly,
stupid, confused, etc.

The trial can be a traumatic and humiliating experience because of
the questioning and because you will see your attacker in the
courtroom. You should prepare yourself for the trial by reviewing the
police report so that you have the facts firmly fixed in your mind.
When you are asked a question in court, you cannot refuse to answer.
You can, however, take a minute to think about what you want to say
and then speak slowly and carefully. You should arrange for friends
or relatives to be with you in the courtroom for moral support.

At the end of the trial, your batterer will be found guilty or not
guilty. If she is found guilty, the judge must decide what his
sentence will be. The judge doesn't have to put her in jail, however;
s/he may give her probation instead. IN REALITY,
WOMEN WHO ARE ARRESTED FOR BATTERING DO NOT
SPEND MUCH TIME IN JAIL EVEN IF THEY ARE CONVICTED OF A CRIME. This
is especially true if it is the first arrest for battering. In some
states, a first offender charged with a misdemeanor can receive
counseling instead of a jail term.

But you should keep in mind that the more detailed information you
can provide the court in your testimony, the better chance there is
she will be convicted and sentenced to jail. The system makes it a
long and difficult process for the abused man to have his batterer
prosecuted. But follow through with it if you are convinced your
batterer should be prosecuted and punished. It is important both to
you and to other battered men that you do so.

7. When Your Attacker is on Probation or Parole

If you are being hurt by a woman who is on probation or parole,
you can report her to her probation officer or parole agent. It is
important that you give these people copies of your police reports
and restraining orders.

Probation.

A person who is convicted of a crime may be put on "probation"
instead of being sent to jail. S/he will be ordered to report to the
court or to the Adult Probation department. If the person reports to
Adult Probation, s/he will have a probation officer. This is the
person you want to contact through the Probation Department in the
county where the person was sentenced. If your attacker reports to
the court, you will have to contact the prosecutor's office in that
county.

The probation officer may be willing to warn your wife or
girlfriend that she should leave you alone. In addition, the
information about the battering may be used if the woman's probation
order is reviewed. The reviewing judge can decide to modify your
attacker's probation or send her to jail. It may be particularly
useful for you to contact the probation officer if the woman is on
probation for the crime of attacking you.

Parole

A person who has been sent to prison may be released before the
end of the sentence. S/he then serves the rest of the sentence on
parole and is assigned to a parole agent. The parole can be revoked
if the person violates any terms of the parole: for example,
committing any criminal acts, using drugs, or violating a restraining
order. You can file a complaint with the parole agent who may be
willing to tell the woman to leave you alone. Your complaint can also
be used as proof that the woman violated the terms of her parole and
should be sent back to prison.

You can find out who your attacker's parole agent is by contacting
the Adult Authority. Look in the phone book under Corrections
Department - Adult Authority for the number in your city. Or contact
the Department of Corrections, Parole and Community Services in your
state's capitol.

If you're afraid of a woman who is in state prison, you can find
out when and where she'll be released by calling the Department of
Corrections in your state's capitol.

VI. Civil Actions: Asking a Court for
Help

Calling the police sets in motion the criminal justice system. You
set in motion the civil law part of the legal system by going to
court yourself and asking for help. You can go to court to get a
restraining order, to sue your attacker to recover money, to end your
marriage, or to divide the property between you and your girlfriend
if you were living together and now want to separate.

The next few pages explain about the different kinds of things a
court can do for you.

1. Restraining Orders (Note: The information in this section
may vary drastically by state.)

A restraining order tells your wife or girlfriend what she may not
do. For example, she may not strike, molest or harass you. She may
not come into your house. She may not take the children away from
you. She may not destroy or dispose of property you own together. She
may not bother you at work.

i). When a restraining order is useful.

A restraining order can be the most useful to you if it will scare
your wife or girlfriend and she voluntarily obeys the order. Before
requesting a restraining order, you should ask yourself the following
questions:

Will my wife or girlfriend be impressed and intimidated by a court
order? Is there a possibility that my taking legal action will make
her more hostile to me and increase the chances of her hurting me or
our children again?

Obviously, a restraining order is not effective unless it is
obeyed. Unfortunately, police enforcement of restraining orders is
not always as good as it should be. You should also keep in mind the
fact that most restraining orders are only temporary and that in
order to get one, you will have to tell your story to both the police
and the court. Also note that according to the U.S. Department of
Justice (1) Out of 8,000 men surveyed, 9.7% of male domestic
violence victims took out restraining orders, and (2) Out of 8,000
women surveyed, 68% violated restraining orders.

ii). Types of restraining orders.

a) Temporary restraining order (TRO) to prevent domestic
violence.

The first kind of restraining order is for a man who lives with
his attacker or who has lived with her recently, but is not married
to her. It is also for a man who is married to his attacker and who
does not want to divorce her. Under these provisions you can get an
order that your attacker not molest, harass, attack or disturb you;
that your attacker move from the residence; for temporary custody and
support of your children; for use or control of certain joint
property; for reimbursement of any expenses for medical care and
temporary housing, loss of earnings and out-of-pocket expenses; and
even an order that you participate in counseling if you both agree.
In all cases, there must be recent incidents of physical abuse and
evidence of physical injury, and the order is issued to prevent a
recurrence of domestic violence and to assure a period of separation
from the person involved. A temporary restraining order is good for
up to 90 days. The willful violation of this order is a misdemeanor,
punishable by a dollar fine and/or up to 6 months in jail.

b) Civil harassment restraining order.

The second kind of restraining order is for a man who is being
harassed by a woman he has never lived with or has not lived with
recently. Harassment includes all forms of abuse except physical
violence (for example, repeatedly bothering the man on the phone or
in person so that he is reluctant to answer the phone or walk on the
street.) The harassment must cause extreme emotional distress to the
man. Under these procedures you can obtain a temporary restraining
order (effective for not more than 15 days) and an injunction
(permanent restraining order) prohibiting harassment. If an
injunction is issued by the court, it can be effective for up to 3
years. The distinct advantage of a harassment order is that it can
last for up to 3 years. The procedure for obtaining this order is
similar to the procedure for obtaining a temporary restraining order
(discussed below). Like a temporary restraining order, the willful
violation of a harassment order is a misdemeanor, punishable by a
fine and/or 6 months in jail.

c) Restraining order accompanying a divorce.

The third kind of restraining order is available to men who are
filing for divorce or custody of their children. You ask for the
restraining order at the same time you file for divorce or custody.
The date the order expires will be included in the order. The order
can include restrictions on disposing and control of property,
restrictions on harassing, molesting, threatening, or disturbing you.
Orders can also be granted excluding your wife from the family house.
Temporary custody and support issues can also be determined. And the
willful violation of the order is a misdemeanor punishable by a fine
and/or 6 months in jail.

3. Obtaining a temporary restraining order.

If you want to get a temporary restraining order you must take
action as soon as possible after you are attacked (preferably within
two weeks). The longer you wait, the less serious the judge will
think you are about protecting yourself or your children.

You can probably apply for a temporary restraining order without
hiring a lawyer. Ask for the forms at the courthouse. If they have
services to help women fill them out, they should offer the same
services to you, though they may not. In some situations, a lawyer
may be necessary. For instance, when arguments exist over the
temporary custody of children or division of property, you should
consult a divorce lawyer. Part of filling the form out will be to
give a description of what happened to you when you were beaten. If
you called the police and have a police report, you should include a
copy.

When you apply for the order, you will have to pay a filling fee.
If you can demonstrate your inability to pay this fee, you can fill
out a "waiver" form and in many states, you won't have to pay the
fee. Again, ask the courthouse for one of these forms.

Your request for a temporary restraining order will be considered
right away by the court. You may be able to get the initial order the
same day you apply. Fifteen to twenty days after you get the initial
order, you and your wife or girlfriend will have to appear in court
at a hearing. At that time,. the judge will decide whether to
continue the order for the full period allowed by statute. If you
want the temporary restraining order to last longer than the allowed
period, you must reapply for another order or for an extension.

4. Enforcing the restraining order.

After the court grants you any kind of restraining order, make
sure your attacker gets a copy of it as soon as possible. She does
not have to obey an order she has not received. The law requires that
either you or your attorney insure that a copy is delivered to your
attacker. You must ask a friend or other person who is over 18 years
old to deliver it or arrange through an attorney or the sheriff's or
Marshall's office to have it delivered. The court will also order the
county clerk to mail a copy. Also make sure you give a copy to your
local police and keep a copy for yourself. If you live and work in
two different counties, give a copy of the restraining order to each
police station. If you are having trouble finding your wife or
girlfriend to give her a copy of the restraining order, ask the court
if you can have an extension on the order.

Your attacker may decide to ignore the restraining order. There
are three things you can do if this occurs:

First, you can call the police and ask them to arrest her. Tell
the officer on the phone about the order, and show it to the officers
when they arrive. Be sue to get the officer's name and badge number.
The law says that the police can only arrest a person who violates a
restraining order in their presence. Some officers, however, will
refuse to make the arrest when they see the women disobeying the
order. If this occurs, you should get their names and badge numbers
and report the officer to their precinct. Then ask for other officers
to be sent out.

Second, you can make a citizen's arrest. (See the discussion of
citizen's arrest earlier on this site.)

Third, you can go to court and ask the judge to hold your wife or
girlfriend in contempt of court for violating the order. The judge
may just give the woman a warning, charge her a fine, or may send her
to jail for up to 6 months.

2. Assault & Battery Suits

You can sue the woman who beat you to collect "damages", which is
money for your medical expenses, emotional distress, lost wages, etc.
This civil action requires that you have a lawyer or act as your own
lawyer. Bringing this type of suit is likely to be expensive, time
consuming and emotionally draining (it means you will once again have
to tell your story to strangers), although it should be pointed out
that some men have been successful with this type of lawsuit. It may
be easier to succeed with this type of suit if the woman has been
convicted in a criminal trial of beating you. Also, unless your
injuries and loss of wages were large, this sort of suit is probably
not worthwhile. It is rarely the first alternative a battered man
should try. Another way to get back the money you spend is under the
Victim Assistance Program which follows later on this site.

3. Ending Your Marriage

(Note: IF YOU ARE NOT A CITIZEN, READ THE SECTION ON
"IMMIGRATION PROBLEMS" FIRST.)

You will have to get a dissolution (divorce), legal separation, or
nullity (annulment) if you want to end your marriage. The
differences between these procedures follow:

i). Dissolution (Divorce)

In many states, divorce is called a "dissolution." You
can file for a dissolution of your marriage if:

a). you have been a resident of the state for six months;
b). you have been a resident of the county where you are filing for
divorce for three months; and,
c). you and your wife have "irreconcilable differences" (this means
you can't work out your problems and that there is no chance of you
and your wife getting back together).

You can obtain a divorce even if your wife does not want one. You
will not be charged with desertion if you left your wife. The
divorce, property settlement, and child custody will not be
affected.

To get a dissolution, you must file a request (petition) with the
court to end your marriage. Then the divorce papers must be "served
on" (given to) your wife. Service must be done by someone who is
over 18 years old, but not by you. Obviously, the best form of
service is "personal" service where the papers are delivered directly
to your wife, in person. But, often, personal service is difficult to
accomplish. If this is the case you should consult an attorney for
other ways to serve the papers, so that your dissolution will not be
delayed. One note of caution: unless the divorce papers have
been served personally, the court might not be able to decide matters
related to property or other monetary issues. Again, it is best to
discuss these matters with a divorce attorney.

After receiving the papers, your wife will have 30 days to file
with the court a response to your request for a dissolution. If she
files a response, the court will set a trial date. This could be
several months away. Once the trial begins, the orders you received
at the Order to Show Cause Hearing will end. All the questions raised
at that hearing can be raised again. For example, if your wife tried
to get custody of the children at the Order to Show Cause Hearing,
she can try to get custody at the trial. The judge will make final
decisions about all the things you and your wife have not already
agreed upon. Questions about the children and about the amounts for
support, however, can be brought back to court after the trial ends
(even years later), if circumstances change or the best interests of
the children require a change.

If your wife does not file a response to your request for a
dissolution within 30 days, you can ask the court for a default
divorce. You do this by asking the court for a default hearing and by
notifying your wife by mail that you are filing for a default
divorce. At the default hearing you will ask the court for what you
want in regard to the children, support, and property. The court will
grant your requests if they are fair and you can show that you
notified your wife properly.

A copy of the orders (known as the interlocutory judgment) from
the trial or default hearing must be given to your wife. Your
dissolution becomes final two months (60 days) from the date of the
interlocutory judgment or 6 months from the date you served your wife
with the original dissolution papers, whichever is later.

Protective Orders

At the time you file for divorce, the court can grant emergency
orders for your protection (Protective Orders). You may ask the court
for a restraining order and other orders such as temporary custody of
your children. If necessary, initiate an action for temporary support
for yourself. The requirements and the factors courts consider in
granting temporary support are much the same as those that are
discussed in the section on spousal support. These orders will last
for approximately 15 days, or until the Order to Show Cause Hearing
is held. About three weeks after you file for divorce, you may
request an Order to Show Cause Hearing.

This hearing will deal with the "protective orders" you may have
asked for at the time you filed for divorce. You may also request
additional protective orders. The judge will decide whether to
continue any protective orders s/he may have given you (such as
restraining orders, child custody, child support, visitation rights
and attorney's fees and costs), and whether to grant you any
additional ones. If your wife objects, she will have to prove to the
judge that you should not be given all of the things you asked
for.

An Order to Show Cause Hearing is a "mini-trial". You will
be asked to testify to support your requests. Your attorney will be
present and you may also want to bring along a friend for support. If
you and your wife can agree on the issues in advance, the judge will
make your decisions into orders and there will be no need to hold a
hearing. In either case, the orders will last only until the time of
the divorce trial.

Property Division

In many states, all property which is acquired by either spouse
during marriage is called community property and belongs to both
spouses equally. The exceptions to this rule are gifts and
inheritances acquired during the marriage and property acquired after
the couple "separates". (Note: Here "separation" does not mean
by a court order. It merely means that you and your wife no longer
live together as husband and wife.)

After divorce, all community property is divided equally. This
applies even to property you acquired with your wife while living in
another state. At the same time the judge will decide who must pay
off the debts you have with your wife.

If you have reason to believe your wife will "waste" the community
property (use up or spend all of it so that there is none left to
divide up), you should take possession and control immediately. You
may do the following: close all joint accounts and reopen
them under your own name; exchange all credit cards jointly held and
have them reissued to you individually; sell community-owned
securities; or borrow money using community property as security. It
should be remembered that you still owe a "duty of good faith
dealing" to your wife with regard to the community property. In other
words, you may not waste the property either, and you must "make an
accounting to" (tell) your wife of all your expenditures out of the
community funds. Get into the habit of keeping records of your
expenses, out of your separate property on behalf of the community
(these amounts will be returned to you).

You can help make sure you get a fair property settlement by
making a list of all the property you and your wife own. Make one
list of community property and another of all non community property
(whatever you had before you got married, plus gifts to you alone).
Don't forget to include your home, your wife's pension rights, bank
accounts, household furnishings, all vehicles, and any business
interests. Also, make a list of all debts. If there is any question
at all regarding the property to be listed, contact an attorney.

Child Custody:

When parents separate or divorce, the court must decide whether
both parents ("joint physical custody" which is different than "joint
custody" where one parent gets sole physical custody and usually
total control over the child's well-being and the noncustodial parent
obstensively gets an equal position in decision making towards the
child's interest) or just the mother or father will have custody of
the children. The law says the court must decide what is in the best
interests of each child. The court will consider the child's wishes
if s/he is over 13. There is no preference in many states for giving
custody to the mother although in many "joint custody" states, often
if one party objects to joint custody, it will not happen. And, in
most cases, the mother gets sole custody by habit.(We believe that
any mother who does not support joint physical custody where the
father wants it (except under extenuating circumstances) is not
working in the child's best interest.)

If the mother of your children has beaten you in front of the
children, you should tell this to the judge. You can also tell the
judge any other facts about the children's mother which show that she
should not have custody of them. For example, a judge should know if
the children's mother has a serious drinking problem, or is addicted
to drugs, or has a prior criminal record.

The mother of your children may try to keep you with her or get
you back by threatening to get custody of the children. Before you
make any decision about whether or not to stay with her, talk to a
divorce lawyer about the threat.

Child Support:

If you win custody, the court may order the mother to pay child
support if she has any income. The amount of child support will
depend on your needs and the mother's ability to pay. You may return
to court later and ask for larger child support payments if the
child's expenses go up or the mother's income rises, or your income
falls. Child support payments continue even if you remarry. Many
women, however, do not make their child support payments (one study
reports more "dead beat moms" of those required to pay child
support), and it can be difficult to force payment. If you want to
try and force payment, you should talk to a divorce lawyer. (Know
that many states are really getting tough in this area and remember,
that just because the noncustodial parent, in this case the mother,
is a woman, your children deserve financial support from their
mother. Taking it all on yourself, just because you are the man, is
not fair to your children.

Visitation Rights

A parent who does not have custody of the children normally has
the right to visit with them regularly. Visitation rights will not be
denied to the mother merely because she battered the father. (It is
believed that women who are violent with their husbands will
eventually turn that violence against their children. In addition,
women commit almost 2/3rds of all child abuse and are responsible for
almost 2/3rds of all child fatalities from abuse. MORE)
If you don't want her to see the children, you must prove
to the judge that she actually harmed the children or show other very
strong reasons for denying visitation; for example, the child is
afraid of the mother or the mother has kidnapped the child before.
(This is not unusual when the mother loses custody. Just check the
ratio of posters in the post office to see how many mothers kidnap
their children.)

You may ask for visitation rights to be very restricted or
specific; for example, "Alternating weekends from 9 am on Saturday to
6 pm on Sunday"; "The mother may not drink alcohol during the visit
or for 12 hours before the visit"; "The visit must take place within
this county," etc. Also, if you legitimately fear that she will be
violent with the children, or try to threaten them for speaking
against her, or merely because they are with the father, you can
request that the visitation is observed (someone assigned by the
court must be in the presence of the mother at all times when she is
with the children). Remember, it is your responsibility to insure
your children's safety and this is not the time to "give-in" or take
on the thinking "how could a mother be violent with her children."
("If you had to take care of the children, you might abuse them too"
is the excuse most often heard. However, remember that whether or not
your children are under your supervision, you must insure their
physical and emotional safety to the best of your ability. That's
what a father does.)

Attorney's Fees and Costs

In many states, the judge will order the person (you or your wife)
who can best afford it, to pay all attorney's fees and costs. If you
are that person, a revengeful wife may keep taking you to court on
frivolous claims, just to "make you pay". Hopefully, she will come to
understand that this is just not in the best interests of the child,
not only from the point of continuing the struggle around the
divorce, or keeping tension high between you and your wife, but
taking away time and money that could be directed to the children's
best interest.

Getting a Divorce Outside your State of Residence

If you are thinking of going to another state or country for a
divorce, you should talk to a divorce lawyer in your state of
residence first. There are problems you should know about. Some
divorces granted in other states or countries may not be considered
valid in your state of residence.

Legal Separation

A legal separation is similar to a divorce with one important
difference. After you obtain a divorce, your marriage is ended. After
you obtain a legal separation, you are still legally married to your
wife and may not remarry. All the questions about child custody,
support payments, etc., however, will be decided by a judge as if you
were getting a divorce.

Usually, people ask for a legal separation, instead of a divorce,
for religious reasons. The only other advantage to a separation is
that you do not have to have lived in your current state for as long
as six months before going to court. The other advantage is that it
sets custody, support payments, etc. while going through the often
long process of the actual divorce.

Annulment ("Nullity")

When you get a divorce, the law says that your marriage is ended.
When you get an annulment (called a "nullity" in some states), the
law says that your marriage never happened. But if you have children,
an annulment will not make your children illegitimate.

To get an annulment, you must prove that you or your wife is
legally married to someone else. Or, you must show that certain
conditions were present at the time of the marriage (force, fraud,
unsound mind, physical inability to have sex, or marriage of a minor
without consent of parent or guardian). However, if you have
willingly lived with the woman as her husband after discovering any
of the above problems, you may have ruined your chances for getting
an annulment. It is best to consult a divorce attorney if you wish to
annul your marriage.

3. Getting a Divorce Lawyer

You always have the right to act as your own divorce lawyer. The
question is when is it advisable for you to do so? It is
difficult for a non-lawyer to get what he wants from the legal system
unless he has a divorce lawyer to help him, at least to define his
legal rights and remedies. Especially for men. If you do it yourself
and don't get what you want, your chances are virtually nil that
taking it back to court with a lawyer. This usually only angers the
court and seldom changes anything.

Don't procrastinate on getting a divorce lawyer. If your wife has
already secured one, in most states you cannot retain a lawyer from
the same firm.

There are a number of ways to find a divorce lawyer, and note our
stressing of a "divorce" lawyer. "You can pay me now, or pay me a lot
more later." It is really advisable to get the expert who knows
divorce law, knows the judges, opposing lawyers, and social service
bias from the start. After all, many of them will tell you it's an
uphill battle for a man to get custody of his children, anyway. And,
you need someone with the experience, and the willingness to say it
can be done, and work hard to get it done, instead of following the
presumption that "men seldom win custody so don't fight it." And
"Don't waste your money." Or "Spending any money on this
kind of lawyer would surely be a waste."

i). Call someone for suggestions on how to obtain a divorce lawyer
who will be sensitive to men's problems. And, while we don't have an
inexhaustible list of services, we do list many family
organizations and directories
that can provide some of this information.

ii). Ask your friends or relatives for names of lawyers they know
and respect. Use these lawyers for recommendations for good divorce
lawyers.

iii). Call the Legal Assistance office in your area. (Look in the
phone book for the number.) Legal Assistance lawyers will
work for you for free. You must, however, be able to meet the
financial requirements of the office you visit. Under some
circumstances, your wife's income will not count when the Legal
Assistance office computes your income, especially if you are no
longer living together. Always call first and ask if this office
handles your kind of case.

iv). Call the Lawyer Referral Service of the bar association in
your area. (Look in the phone book for the number.) It may
be called the "Lawyer Referral Service" or "Attorney Reference
Service" or may be listed under the "Bar Association" of your city or
county. They will give you the name of a divorce lawyer who will see
you for a short time (perhaps one-half hour) for a small fee. This
will give you a chance to get some advice and see if you want to hire
this lawyer to represent you.

v). In some communities there are free or low cost legal clinics
run by law schools, community service centers, or other
organizations. Get over being afraid to be a "man asking for help".
This is not the time nor the situation to let your ego get in the
way. Guaranteed, this is a time you NEED help, and if you have
children, it is a time when your children need help also.

Finding the right divorce lawyer is important. You need a divorce
lawyer you can trust. Before you hire a divorce lawyer, have a talk
with him or her about your case. See how you feel about the divorce
lawyer. Does s/he treat you with respect? Does the divorce
lawyer explain the law to you in words you understand? Do
you feel that the divorce lawyer has experience with your kind of
legal problem? If you don't like the divorce lawyer, look
for another one.

Ask the divorce lawyer exactly what s/he will charge you. If you
decide to hire the divorce lawyer, ask to have the fee put in
writing. Make sure you know what services that fee covers.
(Negotiating sessions? Court
appearances? Enforcement of court orders and
judgments? Etc.)

Don't be afraid to comparison shop for a divorce lawyer or to ask
a divorce lawyer to put what s/he says in writing. Once you hire a
divorce lawyer, you're not stuck with him or her, but it becomes far
more difficult and costly to change divorce lawyers.

If you think an attorney has acted unethically, you may report him
or her to the State Bar. You may also ask the State Bar to arbitrate
a dispute over the fee you owe to a divorce lawyer.

5. If you are Not Married

Child custody, child support, and visitation matters will be
handled by the court as if you were married at the time that you
separated, assuming that there is no issue of paternity. If the
mother of the children claims that you are not the father, a separate
hearing will take place to settle this issue before the questions of
child custody and child support are heard. (See DNA for
ways to prove paternity.)

If you own a house or land together, the court will decide who
should get it by looking at the way the deed is written. Usually a
couple will buy land or a house as "joint tenants." This
gives each person an equally divided, shared ownership. The fact that
you are not married does not matter.

Division of other kinds of property of unmarried couples, and
questions of support, are areas of the law which are changing
rapidly. You'll either have to reach an agreement with your lover or
talk to a divorce lawyer about what you can do. If you have together
accumulated a lot of money or have lived together for many years, you
should talk to a divorce lawyer before making any agreement or to
determine if any enforceable agreement exists by which you can claim
a right to some or all of the property accrued while living
together.

VII. Immigration Problems

Men who are immigrants may have special problems when they try to
stop attacks against them. If you are not a U.S. Citizen, it is best
that you talk to a divorce lawyer who is experienced in the area of
immigration law before you take any action. Below you will find some
general information about the problems you may have when you apply
for welfare, try to get a divorce, or have your attacker
arrested.

Legal Immigrants ("Permanent Residents")

If you got your green card because your wife is a citizen or a
permanent resident alien, you should talk to a divorce lawyer if you
want to divorce your wife. Under some circumstances, you could lose
your green card if you get a divorce. If you do decide to end your
marriage, file for divorce, never for an annulment or legal
separation.

You may collect welfare without losing your green card only if
your reason for needing welfare began after you got your green card.
For example, if you got your green card and then lost your job, you
can collect welfare and keep your green card. But if you lost your
job before you go your green card, you can lose the card if you
collect welfare. Also, even if you are collecting welfare
legitimately, should you travel outside of the United States and
attempt to return, you might not be allowed reentry on the basis of
collecting welfare. Again, you should consult an immigration attorney
if there are any questions regarding welfare.

If your wife is not a citizen and she is convicted of beating you,
she might be deported. If you got your green card legitimately
because your wife had one, you will not lose it solely because your
wife is deported.

Undocumented Immigrants

If your welfare worker thinks you are here without immigration
documents, s/he can ask to see your green card. If you cannot show
one, you will be asked to sign a form in which you swear that you are
in this country legally. If you do not sign the form, you will be
denied welfare. If you do sign the form, the welfare worker will send
it to the Immigration and Naturalization Service which will check on
your immigration status.

If your attacker is not a citizen, calling the police and
involving the criminal justice system may lead to her deportation. It
is unlikely, however, that you will be deported if you call the
police or testify at a trial. The police cannot demand to see a green
card before helping you. Also, you do not have to prove you are a
citizen or permanent resident before you testify at a trial or make a
police report. However, once the immigration department becomes aware
of your involvement in the situation, it is possible that an
investigation could be commenced by the immigration department
regarding the validity of your status.

To be sure that your involvement in the case will not hurt your
immigration status, you should speak with an attorney experienced in
the area of immigration law. This will help you to be aware of and to
evaluate all the risks involved.

VIII. Starting a New Life: Other
Kinds of Help you Might Need

A. Emergency Help

If you need emergency assistance (a place to stay, food, etc.),
though over a third of all battered people in domestic relationships
are men, there are few services available, even from groups calling
themselves Family Services. In most cases, these organizations define
family as mother and child. However, there is beginning to be an
understanding of how grave the situation is and some shelters are
equipment to receive battered men and their children. Look in your
local phone book or see Family
Organizations or Alternatives
to Violence resources. You may get some assistance from a
crisis hotline near you or ask for help at the closest police
station.

You can also ask your county's Department of Social Services
(welfare department) for help. During evenings and weekends the
Department may have an emergency umber you can call. Look in the
phone book for the address nearest you and for an emergency phone
number.

B. Public Assistance

Some men stay with women who hurt them because they are
financially dependent on those women. More and more men are staying
at home as house husbands or are supported by wives to write, create
art, recover from a medical condition, are disabled, and for many
other reasons. The assumption that all men can find work would be
like assuming that all women can find work. However, the financial
burden usually assumes that women can't or don't need to find work
and men do, even if they have to take on several jobs to make ends
meet. A man may know that he would be safer and happier if he left
his batterer, but fears that he will be unable to both support
himself and take care of his children, if he leaves. If you have
thought about leaving but have stayed for this reason, or if you have
left and are now faced with the problem of supporting yourself, there
are some government programs you should know about.

If you do not have money or a job, and you can't get money from
your wife, or if you have some income but not enough to support
yourself and your children, you may be eligible to receive public
assistance. To get public assistance, you must go to the Social
Services offices in your county.

It is a good idea to call the County Department of Public Social
Services office nearest to you ahead of time and make sure you have
the right office. Tell the receptionist your address and what you
want to apply for. Ask what papers you should bring with you. If you
do not have the correct papers with you when you apply, you will be
turned away and asked to return again with the right papers.

When you go to the office, try to get there before it opens. Long
lines usually form early in the day. When you get to the
receptionist, make sure you tell him or her if you need emergency
assistance.

When you are asked about your income, include only your income if
you are living separately from your wife. You must, however, list
money your wife has agreed to give you (for example, child
support).

There are four public assistance programs you should know
about:

i). General Relief or General Assistance (GA) - This program
provides minimum emergency assistance to you and your children after
you have used up your available money.
ii). Aid to Families with Dependent Children (AFDC) - You will
receive money if you care for a child who is eligible. A child is
eligible if s/he is poor and one or both parents leave the child or
are unemployed.
iii). Food Stamps - You are eligible to receive food stamps if you
receive welfare or if you have a low income. Food stamps are vouchers
that you use in place of cash at the grocery store.
iv). Medi-Cal - You are eligible if you receive welfare or if you are
unable to pay for your medical care. You will have all or part of
your medical expenses paid by the state.

You should be able to receive emergency assistance immediately.
All other types of aid can take a few weeks to receive.

You will be asked to show proof of statements you make (ages of
children, place of residence, doctor's bills, etc.). Always give the
eligibility worker a copy of your documents or ask the worker to make
a copy and give you back the original documents. If you do not have
the document the worker wants to see, ask if you can substitute
another document (for example, school records for the birth
certificate of your children). Or, offer to submit an affidavit (a
sworn written statement) which supplies the necessary
information.

If you are told that you are not eligible to receive assistance
and you believe that you are eligible, ask to speak to a supervisor.
You always have the right to speak with a supervisor. You can also
ask to speak to other administrators or call the Case Complaint and
Review Section. If you still can't get help, contact your local
welfare rights organization or Legal Assistance office.

The welfare office will try to collect child support money from
your children's mother. The worker will ask you for information about
the mother and ask you to assign your rights to child support to the
state. You can be refused assistance if you refuse to cooperate,
unless you have good cause to refuse. You have good cause if you
believe you or your children will be physically or emotionally harmed
by the mother if she finds out where you are. In this instance, the
welfare office can promise to collect the money without involving you
or your children in the proceedings. Don't be afraid to tell the
worker that you do not want the mother to see you or your children or
find out where you are living.

For men who have fled from another area, even disclosing what
county they have moved to can be dangerous. These men should refuse
to cooperate, as the welfare department will obviously reveal the
county, if not the new address of the man.

C. Compensation for Victims of Violent Crimes

Many states will give money to victims of violent crimes. A victim
who lives with the person who injured him can still collect this
money. Money is given as reimbursement for medical expenses, lost
earnings, child care, and job retraining. The program usually pays
only a fraction of the expenses, takes almost six months to actually
pay, and rarely pays in "domestic" cases. Ask for an application form
at your local police station, or contact the office of the Attorney
General.

IX. Conclusions

If you are a battered man, the people who prepared this website
urge you to seek the assistance you need to make a better life for
yourself and your children. You have the right to receive help with
your legal problems and with whatever other problems you have. Often
times you need to fight harder for them, because many of these
agencies aren't used to thinking about the welfare of the father, or
believe that there are so few men who get battered, that they need to
concentrate on women. This thinking is changing, but the change is
slow. We hope you use this website to get started with the help you
need.

If you need help, look in the yellow pages of your telephone book
under the name of your city or county departments of family services,
social services, health and/or welfare can often help you or refer
you to someone who can. Also, check the white pages under the heading
"Crisis" or "Suicide Hotline". Many areas have crisis hotlines that
are answered 24-hours a day. And, you don't have to be suicidal to
talk or ask for help.

Remember that your local sheriff and police departments exist to
help you. You should always have their numbers handy for an emergency
situation. County hospitals (look under "Hospitals" in the yellow
pages) are designed to handle emergency problems. Other sources of
help and/or referral are the Salvation Army or your private physician
, therapist or attorney. Also, look in the yellow pages under
"Attorney Referral Service" or "Legal Assistance: or "Bar
Association" if you have a low income and need a divorce
lawyer.

And, while this is a little early to talk about it, after you get
your problems solved and you're back on track, consider volunteering
in one of the many organizations listed on this site, to be their for
others when they have problems to go through. Be a local resource and
let us know so we can list you as a source. One of the reasons there
are so many services for women is that the women organized and made
it happen. So many men return to business as usual after things have
settled down and haven't made an effort to make it a little easier
for the next man. So many really valuable services have closed down
because the few men like myself burned out and couldn't do it alone
anymore. Don't leave the next group of battered men in the same spot
you may be in, trying to find answers, resources, help. Use the
experience you gain to pave a little bit more of this dirt road. If
enough of you paved just a little bit, by the time our sons might
have to use these services, they'll be a freeway right to the help
them need. Know that freeway won't be there if you don't do your
part.

We hope you have found some information of value, and hopefully
have found a resource or two to help you through your current
situation. Stay focused, stay determined. Be safe and make this world
safe for your children.

Children and Domestic
Violence

Snippets

Approximately 50% of residents in battered women's shelters
are children. (Source: Arizona, Illinois, and New Jersey
Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 1997.) Almost 80% of women in
shelters are accompanied by one or more children. (There are few
such services for battered men and their children - except maybe
jail.)

Research findings to date underscore that domestic violence
occurs in large numbers of households with children.

SARP findings revealed that children were present in the
households of the domestic violence group at more than twice the
rate they were present in comparable households in the general
population.

To date, research on the effects of child exposure to domestic
violence indicates that this exposure has adverse impact across a
range of child functioning.

Limited funding places a premium on the research community's
ability to build capacity for high-quality research, and demands a
strategic research agenda that capitalizes on existing
resources.

Infants and toddlers who witness violence in their homes or
community show excessive irritability, immature behavior, sleep
disturbances, emotional distress, fears of being alone, and
regression in toileting and language.

The most important protective resource to enable a child to
cope with exposure to violence is a strong relationship with a
competent, caring, positive adult, most often a parent.

Schools and community centers can provide opportunities for
children to benefit from the support of peers, which has been
shown to be instrumental in reducing anxiety among children
exposed to violence.

It is crucial to recognize that when experiencing trauma, a
parent's ability to play a stable role in the children's life and,
therefore, support the child's resilience, may be
compromised.

Community supports can help children and families feel less
isolated and overwhelmed, and more able to cope with the chronic
violence in their lives.

More than half the states have laws requiring that domestic
violence be considered when courts make child custody and
visitation awards.

Several states have enacted presumptions that it is not in the
child's best interest to be in the custody of a domestic violence
perpetrator.

State child welfare laws give rise to troubling issues
regarding battered parents and their children, but also show some
promising innovations that seek to protect children without
penalizing nonperpatrating parents.

Some states are beginning to explore the integration of child
welfare services, community-based domestic violence services, and
improved enforcement of criminal laws against domestic violence,
to better protect children affected by domestic violence.

Because of the correlation between poverty and domestic
violence, antipoverty programs and federal and state laws
governing welfare programs have substantial bearing on children
affected by domestic violence.

Children in immigrant families may be harmed when battered
parents' efforts to escape from TV violence are hindered by
concerns about immigration status.

Supervised visitation is essential in many cases involving
domestic violence, to protect the battered parent from further
abuse and to protect the child from harm by the batterer.

Studies have documented the significant overlap between
domestic violence and child abuse, finding, for example, that
between 30 and 60% of men who batter their female partners also
abuse their children. (This should not cloud over the fact that
women make-up the over-all majority of
child abusers.)

Battered mothers and fathers frequently have their parental
rights terminated for failure to protect their children from
exposure to domestic violence, even when neither the mother or
father has physically abused the children. (However, father's who
do not act tend to get considerably longer sentences.)

There is a great need for mandatory education for judges and
other court personnel on domestic violence, its effects on
children, and recent legislative changes that impact court
decisions making in this area.

Thirty percent of mediation programs stated that their staff
received no training on domestic violence issues.

Law enforcement programs are also beginning to identify and
respond to the needs of children who witness domestic
violence.

The child welfare system and domestic violence programs in
several states and local communities have begun to work together
to address domestic violence and child maltreatment.

It is unlikely that CPS could handle the additional cases
that would result from defining all child exposure to domestic
violence as child abuse.

In situations in which the battered mother is not abusing the
children, perpetrators of domestic violence should be help
responsible for the violence in the household. (Would it not then
hold true that in situations in which the battered father is not
abusing the children, perpetrators of domestic violence should be
held responsible for the violence in the household.?)

Because the juvenile-dependency court plays such a key role in
the outcome of child protection cases, it is critical that court
personnel have access to domestic violence expertise.

If health care responses to parents and children in violent
households are to be integrated, future training efforts must
include pediatricians and other pediatric care providers.

When the child is the patient, but not the direct victim of
abuse, recognition of family violence by child health care
providers is the first step to intervention.

When children are brought to mental health professionals
because of problem behavior, screening for the presence of family
violence is not routine.

Stabilizing the child in a safe home situation is an important
component of successful therapy, as is forging a positive bond
between the child and the nonviolent caregiver.

Professionals in the mental health, health, and educational
fields must consider whether children who come to their attention
for psychological, learning, or developmental problems might be
responding to domestic violence exposure.

Statistics show that mothers lead in the area of child abuse.
(Source: Child Maltreatment
1997, US Department of Health and Human Services. Call 800.FYI.3366
for free copy). Abusive single moms, neglectful single moms, deadbeat
moms. Also, the percentage of women who owe children support and
don't pay is higher than the percentage of men who owe and don't pay.
Society doesn't want to hear about this so the attack on men
escalates. And innocent children are left to fend for themselves.
Furthermore, we leave these women without the help they need, simply
to support a system that forgets about the true safety of children to
uphold the false impression of the loving mother. The fact is that
there are many mothers who should be raising their children and many
fathers who shouldn't. There also are thousands of mothers who
shouldn't be raising anyone's children and thousands of fathers who
should.

There are thousands of women who physically abuse their children,
not to mention the psychological abuse and neglect. There are
thousands of women who are physically abusive to their spouses, and
this isn't just lesbian relationships, though most of the attention
on women's violence is directly toward women in lesbian
relationships. Where is the help and support for the other violent
women. Ignoring the fact that some women are violent doesn't make the
problem go away. And, it doesn't support these violent women to help
them relearn the behavior of hitting that they are passing on to
their children. Watch junior high and high school students. There's a
lot of hitting from girls to guys. An excuse that the guys must have
deserved it would never be tolerated it the boy was doing the
hitting. Excusing women's violence against children by showing
statistics that women spend more time with the children, almost says
that you would hit them too if you "had" to spend that much time with
children. That kind of permission for violence against children must
not be tolerated. All violence, regardless of who inflicts it or why
is wrong. If we really cared about women, we would get them the help
they need to break the chain of violence that they are passing on to
their children.

It's ironic. Most of the adult men who have been victims of a
physically abusive wife, that I have talked to, stay in the
relationship, not because they love their wives, but also to protect
their children. They are often the butt of the violence because they
stand between the wife and child. These men are caught in a double
bind. The courts tend to prosecute men for not reporting their wives
before they prosecute the abusive wives. And, if the men do report
their abusive wife, in more cases than not, all the wife does is
claim he was abusive to her and they lock him up on her word, leaving
the children with the abusive mother. And, if the man removes the
children from the violent home, they'll more often be charged with
kidnapping when little is done to the woman who removes the children
from the state. When we talk about it the police and press see us as
complainers and turn the guilty mother free to abuse again. What does
this say to the children? Is it best for the child to be placed back
in the home with the abusive mother? We've got to recognize the
magnitude of violence, regardless of where it comes from, and take
some drastic steps to make the world safe for children. Otherwise, it
won't be long before the world won't be safe for any of us. Think
about it.

The Missing Persons of Domestic
Violence: Male Victims

I met Alan and Faith nearly 25 years ago. I was in the process of
interviewing men and women on what were then both a taboo topic and
an issue that had been treated as an unmentionable personal
troubleviolence in the family. I was one of the first
researchers in the United States to attempt to study the extent,
patterns, and causes of what I then called "conjugal violence," and
what today advocates label "domestic violence." There was precious
little research or information to guide my studythe entire
scientific literature was two journal articles. With the exception of
the tabloids, the media and daytime talk shows had not yet discovered
the dark side of family relations. Both Alan and Faith discussed
their experiences with violence in their intimate relations and
marriages. The violence was sometimes severe, including a stabbing
and broken bones. And yet, Alan and Faith ended up as mere footnotes
in my initial book, The Violent Home (Sage Publications, 1974). I
admit now and knew then that I had overlooked the stories of Alan and
Faith. The reason why their stories were relegated to mere notes was
they did not fit the perceptual framework of my research. Although I
titled my study an examination of family or conjugal violence, my
main focus, the issue I hoped to raise consciousness about, was
violence toward women. Alan, as it turned out, had never hit his
wife. The broken bones and abrasions that occurred in his home were
inflicted by his wife. Faith was a victim of violence; her husband,
ex-husband, and boyfriends had struck her and abused her numerous
times. These events were dutifully counted and reported in my book
and subsequent articles. Faith's situation was the focus of my
article "Abused Wives: Why Do They Stay?" However, Faith's violence,
which included stabbing her husband while he read the morning paper,
was reported as a small quote in my book, with little analysis or
discussion. In my first study of family violence, I had overlooked
violence toward men. I would not, and could not, ever do that
again.

My recognition of the issue of violence toward men came about in a
strange way. Two years after my initial study of family violence, the
American Sociological Association included a session on "Family
Violence" as part of the association's annual meeting program. This
was the first time this scholarly association had devoted precious
meeting time and space to this topic. However, unlike most sessions,
which are open to anyone registered for the meeting, this session
required a reservation. I wrote the day I received my preliminary
program to request admission to the session, and was subsequently
informed that the session was "filled." I do not believe I stopped to
consider how or why a session could be completely filled as soon as
it was announced. I was desperate, however, to link up with others in
my field who were interested in the rarely studied topic of family
violence. So, uninvited, I went to the session anyway and sat in the
back of the room, hoping to hear what was going on, but avoiding
being labeled a "gate crasher."

The session was held in a small ballroom, and there were about 20
persons in attendance, all sitting in a circle. The room was far from
overflowing. The session was chaired by two sociologists from
Scotland who were about to publish their own book on family violence,
titled Violence against Wives: A Case against Patriarchy. Much of the
session focused on the application of feminist theory, or patriarchy
theory, to explaining the extent and patterns of violence towards
wives, both in contemporary society and over time and across
cultures. Much of the discussion was informative and useful. However,
eventually someone raised the question of whether men were victims of
domestic violence. The session leaders and many others in the group
stated, categorically, there were no male victims of domestic
violence. At this point, I raised may hand, risking being discovered
as a gate crasher, and explained that I had indeed interviewed men
and women who reported significant and sometimes severe violence
toward husbands. I was not quite shouted down, but it was explained
to me that I must certainly be wrong, and even if women did hit men,
it was always in self-defense and that women never used violence to
coerce and control their partners, as did men.

Alan and Faith were suddenly no longer footnotes, but I did not
fully appreciate the significance of this until two years later.

The research I conducted for The Violent Home was a small study,
based on 80 interviews conducted in New Hampshire. That research
pointed to the possibility that family violence was indeed widespread
and the probability that social factors, such as income and family
power, were causal factors. But the study was too small and too
exploratory to be more than suggestive. In order to build a more
solid knowledge base and understanding of family violence, my
colleagues Murray Straus and Suzanne Steinmetz and I conducted the
First National Family Violence Survey in 1976. The survey interviewed
a nationally representative sample of 2,143 individual family
members. The results were reported in a number of scholarly articles
and, finally, in the book Behind
Closed Doors: Violence in the American Family. What surprised
my colleagues and me the most was the high rates of violence towards
children, between siblings, toward parents and between partners that
were reported by those we interviewed. Up until this point, estimates
of child abuse and wife abuse were placed in the hundreds of
thousands and no higher than one million. But our study, based on
self-reports, placed the rates in the one to two million range.

The most controversial finding, as it would turn out, was that the
rate of adult female-to-adult male intimate violence was the same as
the rate of male-to-female violence. Not only that, but the rate of
abusive female-to-male violence was the same as the rate of abusive
male-to-female violence. When my colleague Murray Straus presented
these findings in 1977 at a conference on the subject of battered
women, he was nearly hooted and booed from the stage. When my
colleague Suzanne Steinmetz published a scholarly article, "The
battered husband syndrome," in 1978, the editor of the professional
journal published, in the same issue, a critique of Suzanne's
article.

The response to our finding that the rate of female-to-male family
violence was equal to the rate of male-to-female violence not only
produced heated scholarly criticism, but intense and long-lasting
personal attacks. All three of us received death threats. Bomb
threats were phoned in to conference centers and buildings where we
were scheduled to present. Suzanne received the brunt of the
attacksindividuals wrote and called her university urging that
she be denied tenure; calls were made and letters were written to
government agencies urging that her grant finding be rescinded. All
three of us became "non persons" among domestic violence advocates.
Invitations to conferences dwindled and dried up.

Advocacy literature and feminist writing would cite our research,
but not attribute it to use. Librarians publicly stated they would
not order or shelve our books.

The more sophisticated critiques were not personal, but
methodological. Those critiques focused on how we measured violence.
We had developed an instrument, "The Conflict Tactic Scales." The
measure met all the scientific standards for reliability and
validity, so the criticisms focused on content. First, the measure
assessed acts of violence and not outcomesso it did not capture
the consequence or injuries caused by violence. Second, the measure
focused on acts and not context or process, so it did not assess who
struck whom and whether the violence was in self-defense. These two
criticisms, that the measure did not assess context or consequence,
became a mantra-like critique that continued for the next two
decades.

While the drumbeat of criticism continued, Murray Straus and I
conducted the Second National Family Violence Survey in 1986. We
attempted to address the two methodological criticisms of the
Conflict Tactics Scales. In 1986 we interviewed a nationally
representative sample of 6,002 individual family members over the
telephone.

This time we asked about the outcomes of violence and the process
and contextwho started the conflict and how.

The findings again included surprises. First, contrary to advocacy
claims that there was an epidemic of child abuse and wife abuse, we
found that the reported rates of violence toward children and
violence toward women had declined. This made sense to us, as much
effort and money had been expended between 1976 and 1986 to prevent
and treat both child abuse and wife abuse. Female-to-male violence
showed no decline and still was about as frequent and severe as
male-to-female violence.

The examination of context and consequences also produced
surprises. First, as advocates expected and as data from crime
surveys bore out, women were much more likely to be injured by acts
of domestic violence then were men. Second, contrary to the claim
that women only hit in self-defense, we found that women were as
likely to initiate the violence as were men. In order to correct for
a possible bias in reporting, we re-examined our data looking only at
the self-reports of women. The women reported similar rates of
female-to-male violence compared to male-to-female, and women also
reported they were as likely to initiate the violence as were
men.

When we reported the results of the Second National Family
Violence Survey the personal attacks continued and the professional
critiques simply ignored methodological revisions to the measurement
instrument. This round of personal attacks was much more
insidiousin particular, it was alleged that Murray had abused
his wife.

This is a rather typical critique in the field of family
violencemen whose research results are contrary to political
correctness are labeled "perps."

Up until now I have focused only on our own research. However, it
is important to point out that our findings have been corroborated
numerous times, by many different researchers, using many different
methodological approaches. My colleague Murray Straus has found that
every study among more than 30 describing some type of sample that is
not self-selective (an example of self-selected samples are samples
of women in battered woman shelters or women responding to
advertisements recruiting research subjects; non-select selective
samples are community samples, samples of college students, or
representative samples) has found a rate of assault by women on male
partners that is about the same as the rate by men on female
partners. The only exception to this is the U.S. Justice Department's
Uniform Crime Statistics, the National Survey of Crime Victims, and
the U.S. Department of Justice National Survey of Violence against
Women.

The Uniform Crime Statistics report the rate of fatal partner
violence. While the rate and number for male and female victims was
about the same 25 years ago, today female victims of partner homicide
outnumber (and the rate is higher) than male victims. The National
Crime Victims Survey and National Survey of Violence against Women
both assess partner violence in the context of a crime survey. It is
reasonable to suppose both men and women underreport female-to-male
partner violence in a crime survey, as they do not conceptualize such
behavior as a crime.

It is worth repeating, however, that almost all studies of
domestic or partner violence, agree that women are the most likely to
be injured as a result of partner violence.

Two new studies add to our understanding of partner violence and
the extent of violence toward men. First, David Fontes conducted a
study of domestic violence perpetrated against heterosexual men in
relationships compared to domestic violence against heterosexual
women. The "Partner Conflict Survey" sample consisted of employees
from the California Department of Social Services. Altogether, 136
surveys were returned out of 200 surveys distributed to employees in
four locations (Sacramento, Roseville, Oakland, and Los Angeles). Not
only did men experience the same rate of domestic violence as did
women, but men reported the same rate of injury as did women.

More recently, a survey conducted by University of
Wisconsin-Madison Psychologist Terrie Moffit in New Zealand also
found roughly the same rate of violence toward men as toward women in
intimate relationships.

Most journalistic accounts of domestic violence toward women and
many scholarly examinations include descriptions of the horrors of
intimate violence. Reports of remarkable cruelty and sadism accompany
reports on domestic violence. Fatal injuries, disabling injuries, and
systematic physical and emotional brutality are noted in detail. I
have heard many of these accounts myself and reported them in my own
books, articles, and interviews.

The "horror" of intimate violence toward men is somewhat
different. There are, of course, hundreds of men killed each year by
their partners. At a minimum, one-fourth of the men killed have not
used violence towards their homicidal partners. Men have been shot,
stabbed, beaten with objects, and been subjected to verbal assaults
and humiliations. Nonetheless, I do not believe these are the
"horrors" of violence toward men. The real horror is the continued
status of battered men as the "missing persons" of the domestic
violence problem.

Male victims do not count and are not counted. The Federal
Violence against Women Act identified domestic violence as a gender
crime. None of the nearly billion dollars of funding from this act is
directed towards male victims. Some "Requests for Proposals" from the
U.S. Justice Department specifically state that research on male
victims or programs for male victims will not even be reviewed, let
alone funded. Federal funds typically pass to a state coalition
against domestic violence or to a branch of a state agency designated
to deal with violence against women.

Battered men face a tragic apathy. Their one option is to call the
police and hope that a jurisdiction will abide by a mandatory or
presumptive arrest statute. However, when the police do carry out an
arrest when a male has been beaten, they tend to engage in the
practice of "dual arrest" and arrest both parties.

Battered men who flee their attackers find that the act of fleeing
results in the men losing physical and even legal custody of their
children. Those men who stay are thought to be "wimps," at best and
"perps" at worst, since if they stay, it is believed they are the
true abusers in the home.

Thirty years ago battered women had no place to go and no place to
turn for help and assistance. Today, there are places to gomore
than 1,800 shelters, and many agencies to which to turn. For men,
there still is no place to go and no one to whom to turn. On occasion
a shelter for battered men is created, but it rarely lastsfirst
because it lacks on-going funding, and second because the shelter
probably does not meet the needs of male victims. Men, who retain
their children in order to try to protect them from abusive mothers,
often find themselves arrested for "child kidnapping."

The frustration men experience often bursts forth in rather
remarkable obstreperous behavior at conferences, meetings, and forums
on domestic violence. Such outbursts are almost immediately turned
against the men by explaining that this behavior proves the men are
not victims but are "perps."

Given the body of research on domestic violence that finds
continued unexpectedly high rates of violence toward men in intimate
relations, it is necessary to reframe domestic violence as something
other than a "gender crime" or example of "patriarchal coercive
control." Protecting only the female victim and punishing only the
male offender will not resolve the tragedy and costs of domestic
violence. While this is certainly not a politically correct position,
and is a position that will almost certainly ignite more personal
attacks against me and my colleagues, it remains clear to me that the
problem is violence between intimates not violence against women.
Policy and practice must address the needs of male victims if we are
to reduce the extent and toll of violence in the home.

For years, we have been told that domestic violence is a serious
problem: it must not be tolerated in any form and every victim must
be believed. Yet, countless victims of domestic violence are ignored
by the system, dismissed as liars, and even charged as abusers. These
victims have been hit, kicked, punched, bitten, choked, knifed, shot,
run over with cars, and even set on fire. They are men.

Male victim. It's sounds like an oxymoron. How can you be a male
and a victim. Is it because they don't hurt when they are hit? Is it
because they don't bleed when they are cut? No. It's because they
don't count, literally.

The recent Eastside Journal article about firefighter Mark Sundt
typifies the plight of the invisible male victim. Sundt was charged
with domestic violence against his girlfriend, yet the charges were
eventually dropped. He tried to get the prosecutor to file charges
against her, without success. Now he has filed a citizen's complaint
in Northeast District Court.

Over the years, intense lobbying by women's advocacy groups
resulted in enactment of the Federal Violence Against Women Act. The
act provides billions of dollars for domestic violence programs,
battered women's shelters, law enforcement and criminal prosecution.
To aid in passage of the bill and ensure a continued stream of
federal funding, these groups have deftly perpetuated myths that
nearly all victims of domestic violence are female. They claim "the
No. 1 reason women age 16 to 40 end up in the emergency room is
violence,'' and "95 percent of domestic violence is committed by
men.''

However, both government and academic studies repeatedly
contradict these ubiquitous factoids. A Centers for Disease Control
report (National Hospital Ambulatory Medical Care Survey: 1992
Emergency Department Summary) debunks the ER claim. The 1998 Justice
Department report "Intimate Partner Violence'' refutes the 95 percent
claim: of 1,830 domestic violence murders, 510, or almost one third,
were men. Another 1998 Justice Department report, "Violence Against
Women Survey,'' found that while 1,309,061 women experienced domestic
violence, 834,732 men were also abused -- 39 percent of all
victims.

Extensive research documents that men and women are almost equally
likely to initiate domestic violence. And, despite clear evidence
that both men and women suffer domestic violence, the federal act
remains blatantly gender-biased. The principle reason male victims
are ignored is that no violence against women money can be used for
male victims. Police and prosecutors who spend time on male victims
of female violence suffer a double whammy: they directly expend
scarce resources on the cases, and they lose additional funding
because for every such male victim there is one less female victim
for which federal money is exclusively earmarked.

If male victims even report a crime, they are usually victimized a
second time by the system: at best treated with indifference or
ridicule, at worst prosecuted as the "real'' abuser. Gender profiling
has become a prevalent practice in domestic violence cases. Like
racial profiling, gender profiling presumes guilt based on bias and
prejudice.

Recent cases I have seen include Eastside men who have been
punched, hit, choked, scratched, and threatened with weapons by
female perpetrators, none of whom have been charged with crimes.

Change is needed. If you are a victim, stand up and be counted.
Demand action, respect and equal rights. If you believe every victim
counts, regardless of gender, speak up. Call your elected officials,
police and prosecutors. Demand they stop sending male victims to the
back of the bus, stop gender profiling, and stop giving female
abusers a pass.

No victim can get real justice when only some victims are deemed
legitimate. Every victim counts, and every abuser must be held
accountable. Blaming only one gender for domestic violence in our
society needlessly polarizes men and women, when we should be working
together for better solutions.

Congress and the Judiciary declared a 5 BILLION
dollar War on men, fathers, and families with VAWA. Lisa Scott, a
Bellevue family law and divorce attorney - speaks out in "Gender
profiling prevalent in domestic violence."

For years, we have been told that domestic violence is a serious
problem: it must not be tolerated in any form and every victim must
be believed. Yet, countless victims of domestic violence are ignored
by the system, dismissed as liars, and even charged as abusers. These
victims have been hit, kicked, punched, bitten, choked, knifed, shot,
run over with cars, and even set on fire. They are men.

Male victim. It's sounds like an oxymoron. How can you be a male
and a victim. Is it because they don't hurt when they are hit? Is it
because they don't bleed when they are cut? No. It's because they
don't count, literally.

The recent Eastside Journal article about firefighter Mark
Sundt typifies the plight of the invisible male victim. Sundt was
charged with domestic violence against his girlfriend, yet the
charges were eventually dropped. He tried to get the prosecutor to
file charges against her, without success. Now he has filed a
citizen's complaint in Northeast District Court.

Over the years, intense lobbying by women's advocacy groups
resulted in enactment of the Federal Violence Against Women Act. The
act provides billions of dollars for domestic violence programs,
battered women's shelters, law enforcement and criminal prosecution.
To aid in passage of the bill and ensure a continued stream of
federal funding, these groups have deftly perpetuated myths that
nearly all victims of domestic violence are female. They claim "the
No. 1 reason women age 16 to 40 end up in the emergency room is
violence,'" and "95 percent of domestic violence is committed by
men.''

However, both government and academic studies repeatedly
contradict these ubiquitous factoids. A Centers for Disease Control
report (National Hospital Ambulatory Medical Care Survey: 1992
Emergency Department Summary) debunks the ER claim. The 1998 Justice
Department report "Intimate Partner Violence'' refutes the 95 percent
claim: of 1,830 domestic violence murders, 510, or almost one third,
were men. Another 1998 Justice Department report, "Violence Against
Women Survey,'' found that while 1,309,061 women experienced domestic
violence, 834,732 men were also abused -- 39 percent of all
victims.

Extensive research documents that men and women are almost equally
likely to initiate domestic violence. And, despite clear evidence
that both men and women suffer domestic violence, the federal act
remains blatantly gender-biased. The principle reason male victims
are ignored is that no violence against women money can be used for
male victims. Police and prosecutors who spend time on male victims
of female violence suffer a double whammy: they directly expend
scarce resources on the cases, and they lose additional funding
because for every such male victim there is one less female victim
for which federal money is exclusively earmarked.

If male victims even report a crime, they are usually victimized a
second time by the system: at best treated with indifference or
ridicule, at worst prosecuted as the "real'' abuser. Gender profiling
has become a prevalent practice in domestic violence cases. Like
racial profiling, gender profiling presumes guilt based on bias and
prejudice.

Recent cases I have seen include Eastside men who have been
punched, hit, choked, scratched, and threatened with weapons by
female perpetrators, none of whom have been charged with crimes.

Change is needed. If you are a victim, stand up and be counted.
Demand action, respect and equal rights. If you believe every victim
counts, regardless of gender, speak up. Call your elected officials,
police and prosecutors. Demand they stop sending male victims to the
back of the bus, stop gender profiling, and stop giving female
abusers a pass.

No victim can get real justice when only some victims are deemed
legitimate. Every victim counts, and every abuser must be held
accountable. Blaming only one gender for domestic violence in our
society needlessly polarizes men and women, when we should be working
together for better solutions.

This is the case involving the male firefighter that was the
subject of an article and follow-up Opinion piece by Lisa Scott in
the Eastside Journal, Bellevue, WA. at www.eastsidejournal.com/sited/story/html/44468
stating that gender profiling is prevalent in domestic violence
cases. The continuing saga of Mark Sundt is a case in point.

On 3/15/01 the 5th hearing took place in this case involving the
male victim of domestic violence. Remember that he was originally
arrested for this same offense and now he has turned the tables and
forced the issue that the facts clearly depict him as the true and
only victim.

The case has been continued for 5 more weeks at the request of the
defense so the probable cause hearing set for 3/23 has been
cancelled.

The defense has also been granted a private investigator now for
this case. Yes of course this will be at the State's expense. Our
victim, Mr. Sundt, objected quite eloquently to this appointment of a
private investigator at our expense. He spelled out that originally
when the female was the alleged victim she had a prosecutor and a
victim advocate working for her at the State's expense. Now that she
is the suspect she has two Prosecutor's in the courtroom working on
her case TO HELP HER DEFENSE, she has the original DV advocate still
by her side in court, and of course the new DV advocate assigned to
Northeast District Court had to jump in and is now also at her side,
the Public Defender which was assigned to her was done without even
determining if she qualified or not financially and now the female DV
suspect also has a private investigator.

Mr. Sundt did not add up the dollars spent by the State so far on
this case all for a female DV suspect but his point was made to
anyone who actually listened. Mr. Sundt also reminded the court that
he paid several thousand dollars to right a wrong while he was listed
as the suspect.

Mr. Sundt is facing this battle alone. Mr. Sundt is not an
attorney. Picture a teetor-totter with all of the State's paid
players sitting on one end and Mr. Sundt as high in the air as he can
go on the other end hoping that somebody will just look at the fact
that the female already signed a statement admitting to her acts of
assault against him.

Mr. Sundt later asked the court if he could be assigned an
attorney, at the State's expense, to protect his rights which he
states have been trounced upon and he fears further victimization by
the system. He of course was denied along with his request that a
victim advocate be assigned to him.

The Public Defender and the Prosecutor working against Mr. Sundt
have both attacked Mr. Sundt publicly in the court and in the
newspaper that Mr. Sundt is this 'bad man' and that they intend to
liberally apply the rules of evidence against Mr. Sundt even though
they know they will not be able to get most of that evidence later
into the trial.

Mr. Sundt is forced to evaluate whether he wants to pay for an
attorney to be present in the courtroom to protect his rights as a
victim and to shut down the intended liberal use of the rules of
evidence that the defense stated they will exploit against him.

Does anybody want to call that King County Prosecutor, Mr. Rogoff
was it, who spoke out about how fair his office is in treating all
victims of domestic violence. Maybe Mr. Rogoff could step into the
courtroom on Mr. Sundt's behalf and put his money where his mouth is.
Bill Wood at BillWood@legal-reform.com

Domestic Woes Not a One-Way
Street

For all the times I stood up and shouted "unfair, unfair," on behalf
on my own gender, it's now time for me to defend the other half of
the room. Men are getting a bad deal.

It was while helping a friend edit an independent study for her
social work degree this first came to my attention. I smiled politely
when she first told me she was writing about male partner abuse. (It
was sure to be a short report, I thought). Thus began my first
introduction to the notion that real sexual prejudice and gender
profiling exists for men, just as it does for women.

Although I am cautious to comment on families whose personal lives
I am not intimate with, the acquittal of Carline Vandenelsen was my
re-awakening to the topic.

While I'd likely be typing just as furiously in opposition were
Vandenelsen sitting in a jail cell right now, the fact that she was
completely acquitted by "reason of necessity" still astounds me.

By allowing Vandenelsen to break the law in such an obvious
manner, the judge's ruling clearly shows when it comes to children,
mothers trump fathers. I can't think of a better illustration that
there are beliefs held near and dear to people in our society (glass
ceiling and all) that unfairly disadvantage men while benefiting
women.

According to the male partner abuse independent study, much of
today's sexism against males is rooted in a shift of emphasis in
feminism from equity feminism to gender feminism.

No longer do we want equity for all human beings, but now many
feminists see men as the patriarchal oppressor, someone to take back
the night from, not someone who can fight injustice and violence
alongside them.

Society and laws that govern the family largely see women as
victims of men (who are inherently bad), empowered by a society that
oppresses women. Since we all know no man would have been acquitted
on those charges, society also believes mothers are inherently better
parents then fathers.

As a mother, I know that is not true. For all my "never send a man
to do a woman's job" rhetoric, I can be just as egocentric as the
next guy. I've witnessed my husband blossom with patience and
maternal -- I mean paternal -- instinct when I was at the end of my
rope, and visa versa.

I've also witnessed enough family breakdowns to know men don't
have a corner on the market for bad behavior. Mothers, not just
fathers, use their children for collateral, as mini private
investigators, and as weapons against their former partners. Even
Erin Pizzey, an incredible advocate for women and the founder of the
first modern women's shelter 30 years ago, came under fire from those
who insist all women are simply victims of male oppression for saying
some people actually choose violent relationships.

While I in no way wish to diminish the horrible reality of women
who are victimized by their male partners and their need for help and
support, being male does not make one immune to victimization or
violence. The independent study showed research conducted by the
Canadian and British governments found a significant number of men,
although usually physically stronger, are physically and emotionally
abused by women.

What is disturbing is society's reaction to men being abused by
women. Our first reaction is, I wonder what he did to drive his wife
to shoot him? Violent behavior by women is almost always perceived as
a pre-emptive strike or self- defence. While violent men are seen as
pure evil, women who harm or kill their male partners are assumed
mentally ill and are often pitied as victims who finally snapped
under all the strain.

If you doubt this, ever wonder why we don't have an annual Phil
Hartman march or rally for men, or why John Wayne Bobbit is in comedy
instead of therapy?

Around the world, at least one in every three women has been
beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused during her lifetime.
Most often, the abuser is a member of her own family.

Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to
womenmore than car accidents, muggings, and rapes
combined.

Studies suggest that up to 10 million children witness some
form of domestic violence annually.

Nearly 1 in 5 teenage girls who have been in a relationship
said a boyfriend threatened violence or self-harm if presented
with a breakup.

Everyday in the US, more than three women are murdered by
their husbands or boyfriends.

Ninety-two percent of women surveyed listed reducing domestic
violence and sexual assault as their top concern.

Domestic violence victims lose nearly 8 million days of paid
work per year in the US alonethe equivalent of 32,000
full-time jobs.

Based on reports from 10 countries, between 55 percent and 95
percent of women who had been physically abused by their partners
had never contacted non-governmental organizations, shelters, or
the police for help.

The costs of intimate partner violence in the US alone exceed
$5.8 billion per year: $4.1 billion are for direct medical and
health care services, while productivity losses account for nearly
$1.8 billion.

Men who as children witnessed their parents domestic
violence were twice as likely to abuse their own wives than sons
of nonviolent parents.

Evaluating Services for Survivors of Domestic Violence and Sexual
Assault is a valuable resource not only for researchers and
evaluators, but for service providers and funders as well. Written in
clear, straightforward language, it addresses many complex factors
that come in to play when conducting victim-service evaluations,
including issues of safety and confidentiality. A great tool for
anyone involved in the work to end violence against women.

If you're a grantwriter or researcher, this book is a MUST; as it
helps to explain the complexities of gathering meaningful information
on case numbers, case outcomes and compilation of statistics with
unique challenges due to issues of confidentiality, the transience of
the population, and the overlapping or repeat services unique to
these fields.

One of the most common requests we receive is from students
seeking statistics for their reports and from programs seeking
statistics to bolster their requests for grant money and other
funding. This page should point you in the right direction for
finding up-to-date information covering a variety of statistical
reporting on abuse issues, whether you are looking for frequently
cited resources or for statistics by state.

It must be noted however, that there always remains the "gray
element" in crime; that is, those incidents which occur but are never
reported or are classified in ways which make it difficult to
determine the true nature of the incident.

A prime example of this is domestic violence in same sex couples.
Whether it's because the officer taking the report didn't know,
didn't care or didn't want to "call it that", or because the parties
involved were reluctant to expose the nature of the relationship,
most domestic violence incidents between gays and lesbians end up
classified as "assault" or "battery" - seriously skewing the true
statistics and making it almost impossible to use the common
statistical reports for guidance or insight into the issue.

Another often problematic example occurs when trying to
extrapolate information from statistical reports where external
factors play an important role, yet aren't accounted for. Any amount
of research concerning victimization is bound to run into strange and
misleading numbers.

An obvious example of this concerns abuse in low vs. high income
families. While on the surface, it may appear that low levels of
income go hand-in-hand with higher levels of domestic violence, one
must keep in mind that available income has significant weight on the
options available to victims. While a low-income mother with three
small infants might appear on statistical reports when getting a
restraining order, when entering a domestic violence shelter, or when
applying for TANF services due to family violence, the white collar
mother with two in college might flee to a hotel for a few weeks,
file for divorce, and move back to the city where the bulk of her
family resides. In these scenarios, the low-income victim shows up
all over the place in various statistical reports (from the court,
from the shelter, and from the social services agency) while the
white collar victim only shows up on a hotel register, on a civil
court docket for divorce, and in the records of the local moving
business. In other words, violence against her and/or her children,
while every bit as dangerous and abusive, simply doesn't exist - on
anyone's offical paper.

Not to People Like Us: Hidden Abuse in
Upscale Marriages

As seen on "20/20," "48 Hours," "Sally Jesse Raphael," and in People
magazine: A startling exposé of domestic violence against
well-educated, well-to-do women, and a powerful indictment of the
social service system that fails to protect them. How is it possible
for a highly educated woman with a career and resources of her own to
stay in a marriage with an abusive husband? How can a man be
considered a pillar of his community and regularly give his wife a
black eye? The very nature of these questions proves how convinced we
are that domestic violence is restricted to the lower classes. Now
Susan Weitzman explores a heretofore overlooked population of
battered wives-the upper-educated and upper-income women who rarely
report abuse and remain trapped by their own silence

Suffice it to say that when researching or using statistics, it's
just as important to consider what the stats DON'T say, DON'T cover,
or DON'T take into consideration.

With that said, check the left menu column for some of the most
common sources for statistics. You'll note that with the exception of
the FBI Uniform Crime Reports (which are usually current to within 6
months), most of these reports run at least two years, usually more,
behind (the FBI UCR reports run on a more automated system and tracks
a relatively small scope of data, whereas info for the others needs
to be compiled). Also, special task forces are usually setup to
research numbers on a particicular topic or covering a certain group
and these may only run at 5 or even 10 year intervals due to the
scope and cost of such undertakings.

If you need in-depth statistics or are seeking research summaries
or reports, check under the topic areas above for research and
additional reports. You can usually find crime maps and stats from
your local sheriff's office.

Commonly Used Domestic Violence
Citations

From the U.S. Dept. of Justice Bureau of Justice Statistics,
"Violence against Women: A National Crime Victimization Survey
Report, January 1994"

Nearly 2 in 3 female victims of violence were related to or
knew their attacker. (p. iii)

Over two-thirds of violent victimizations against women were
committed by someone known to them: 31% of female victims reported
that the offender was a stranger. Approximately 28% were intimates
such as husbands or boyfriends, 35% were acquaintances, and the
remaining 5% were other relatives. (In contrast, victimizations by
intimates and other relatives accounted for only 5% of all violent
victimizations against men. Men were significantly more likely to
have been victimized by acquaintances (50%) or strangers (44%)
than by intimates or other relatives.) (p. 1)

Almost 6 times as many women victimized by intimates (18%) as
those victimized by strangers (3%) did not report their violent
victimization to police because they feared reprisal from the
offender. (p. 1)

Annually, compared to males, females experienced over 10 times
as many incidents of violence by an intimate. On average each
year, women experienced 572,032 violent victimizations at the
hands of an intimate, compared to 48,983 incidents committed
against men. (p. 6)

From: "Violence by Intimates: Analysis of Data on Crimes by
Current or Former Spouses, Boyfriends, and Girlfriends, U.S.
Department of Justice, March, 1998"

Estimates range from 960,000 incidents of violence against a
current or former spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend each year to 4
million women who are physically abused by their husbands or
live-in partners each year.

While women are less likely than men to be victims of violent
crimes overall, women are 5 to 8 times more likely than men to be
victimized by an intimate partner.

Violence by an intimate partner accounts for about 21% of
violent crime experienced by women and about 2 % of the violence
experienced by men.

31,260 women were murdered by an intimate from 1976-1996.

Females accounted for 39% of the hospital emergency department
visits for violence-related injuries in 1994 but 84% of the
persons treated for injuries inflicted by intimates.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline has received more than
700,000 calls for assistance since February 1996. Source: National
Domestic Violence Hotline, December 2001

It is estimated that 503,485 women are stalked by an intimate
partner each year in the United States. Source: National Institute of
Justice, July 2000

Studies show that child abuse occurs in 30-60% of family violence
cases that involve families with children. Source: "The overlap
between child maltreatment and woman battering." J.L. Edleson,
Violence Against Women, February, 1999

Nearly one-third of American women (31 percent) report being
physically or sexually abused by a husband or boyfriend at some point
in their lives. Source: Commonwealth Fund survey, 1998

About 75% of the calls to law enforcement for intervention and
assistance in domestic violence occur after separation from
batterers. One study revealed that half of the homicides of female
spouses and partners were committed by men after separation from
batterers (Barbara Hart, Remarks to the Task Force on Child Abuse and
Neglect, April 1992)

Every year, domestic violence results in almost 100,000 days of
hospitalizations, almost 30,000 emergency department visits, and
almost 40,000 visits to a physician. Source: American Medical
Association. 5 issues American Health. Chicago 1991.

Studies by the Surgeon General's office reveal that domestic
violence is the leading cause of injury to women between the ages of
15 and 44, more common than automobile accidents, muggings, and
cancer deaths combined. Other research has found that half of all
women will experience some form of violence from their partners
during marriage, and that more than one-third are battered repeatedly
every year. Source: Journal of American Medical Association,
1990.

Battered women seek medical attention for injuries sustained as a
consequence of domestic violence significantly more often after
separation than during cohabitation; about 75% of the visits to
emergency rooms by battered women occur after separation (Stark and
Flitcraft, 1988).

Women who leave their batterers are at 75% greater risk of severe
injury or death than those who stay. Source: Barbara Hart, National
Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 1988.

It is estimated that 25% of workplace problems such as
absenteeism, lower productivity, turnover and excessive use of
medical benefits are due to family violence. (Employee Assistance
Providers/MN)

In 92% of all domestic violence incidents, crimes are committed by
men against women. Source: "Violence Against Women", Bureau of
Justice Statistics, U.S. Department of Justice, January, 1994.

Of women who reported being raped and/or physically assaulted
since the age of 18, three quarters (76 percent) were victimized by a
current or former husband, cohabitating partner, date or boyfriend.
Source: "Prevalence Incidence, and Consequences of Violence Against
Women: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey",
U.S. Department of Justice, November, 1998.

In 1994, women separated from their spouses had a victimization
rate 1 1/2 times higher than separated men, divorced men, or divorced
women. Source: "Sex Differences in Violent Victimization", 1994, U.S.
Department of Justice, September, 1997.

In 2003, among all female murder victims in the U.S., 30% were
slain by their husbands or boyfriends. Source: Uniform Crime Reports
of the U.S. 1996, Federal Bureau of Investigation, 2003 (January -
June).

A child exposed to the father abusing the mother is at the
strongest risk for transmitting violent behavior from one generation
to the next. Source: "Report of the American Psychological
Association Presidential Task Force on Violence and the Family", APA,
1996

Forty percent of teenage girls age 14 to 17 report knowing someone
their age who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend. Source: Children
Now/Kaiser Permanente poll, December, 1995.

Husbands and boyfriends commit 13,000 acts of violence against
women in the workplace every year. Source: "Violence and Theft in the
Workplace", U.S. Department of Justice, July, 1994.

The majority of welfare recipients have experienced domestic abuse
in their adult lives and a high percentage are currently abused.
Source: Trapped by Poverty, Trapped by Abuse: New Evidence
Documenting the Relationship Between Domestic Violence and Welfare,
The Taylor Institute, April, 1997.

One in five female high school students reports being physically
or sexually abused by a dating partner. Source: Massachusetts Youth
Risk Behavior Survey (YRBS), August 2001.

More than 40% of domestic violence victims in
the UK are male, report reveals

Campaign group Parity claims assaults by wives and girlfriends are
often ignored by police and media

About two in five of all victims of domestic violence are men,
contradicting the widespread impression that it is almost always
women who are left battered and bruised, a new report claims.

Men assaulted by their partners are often ignored by police, see
their attacker go free and have far fewer refuges to flee to than
women, says a study by the men's rights campaign group Parity.

The charity's analysis of statistics on domestic violence shows
the number of men attacked by wives or girlfriends is much higher
than thought. Its report, Domestic Violence: The Male Perspective,
states: "Domestic violence is often seen as a female victim/male
perpetrator problem, but the evidence demonstrates that this is a
false picture."

Data from Home Office statistical bulletins and the British Crime
Survey show that men made up about 40% of domestic violence victims
each year between 2004-05 and 2008-09, the last year for which
figures are available. In 2006-07 men made up 43.4% of all those who
had suffered partner abuse in the previous year, which rose to 45.5%
in 2007-08 but fell to 37.7% in 2008-09.

Similar or slightly larger numbers of men were subjected to severe
force in an incident with their partner, according to the same
documents. The figure stood at 48.6% in 2006-07, 48.3% the next year
and 37.5% in 2008-09, Home Office statistics show.

The 2008-09 bulletin states: "More than one in four women (28%)
and around one in six men (16%) had experienced domestic abuse since
the age of 16. These figures are equivalent to an estimated 4.5
million female victims of domestic abuse and 2.6 million male
victims."

In addition, "6% of women and 4% of men reported having
experienced domestic abuse in the past year, equivalent to an
estimated one million female victims of domestic abuse and 600,000
male victims".

Campaigners claim that men are often treated as "second-class
victims" and that many police forces and councils do not take them
seriously. "Male victims are almost invisible to the authorities such
as the police, who rarely can be prevailed upon to take the man's
side," said John Mays of Parity. "Their plight is largely overlooked
by the media, in official reports and in government policy, for
example in the provision of refuge places  7,500 for females in
England and Wales but only 60 for men."

The official figures underestimate the true number of male
victims, Mays said. "Culturally it's difficult for men to bring these
incidents to the attention of the authorities. Men are reluctant to
say that they've been abused by women, because it's seen as unmanly
and weak."

The number of women prosecuted for domestic violence rose from
1,575 in 2004-05 to 4,266 in 2008-09. "Both men and women can be
victims and we know that men feel under immense pressure to keep up
the pretence that everything is OK," said Alex Neil, the housing and
communities minister in the Scottish parliament. "Domestic abuse
against a man is just as abhorrent as when a woman is the
victim."

'Male victims are almost invisible to the authorities,' says John
Mays of Parity. Photograph: Guardian Mark Brooks of the Mankind
Initiative, a helpline for victims, said: "It's a scandal that in
2010 all domestic violence victims are still not being treated
equally. We reject the gendered analysis that so many in the domestic
violence establishment still pursue, that the primary focus should be
female victims. Each victim should be seen as an individual and
helped accordingly."

CASE STUDY

Ian McNicholl, 47, has painful memories to remind him of the
terror he endured when he found himself a male victim of domestic
violence.

His then fiancee, Michelle Williamson, punched him in the face
several times, stubbed out cigarettes on his body, lashed him with a
vacuum cleaner tube, hit him with a metal bar and a hammer and even
poured boiling water on to his lap. That at 6ft he was almost a foot
taller than her made no difference. He still has burn marks on his
left shoulder from when she used steam from an iron on him.
Williamson, 35, is now serving a seven-year jail sentence for causing
both actual and grievous bodily harm.

During the trial last year McNicholl told the court that, during
more than a year of attacks and intimidation, he had lost his job,
home and self-respect. He had been too scared to go to the police and
had considered suicide. She was only arrested after two neighbours
saw her punch him.

Technology has become a quick and easy way for stalkers to monitor
and harass their victims. More than one in four stalking victims
reports that some form of cyberstalking was used against them, such
as email (83 percent of all cyberstalking victims) or instant
messaging (35 percent). - Electronic monitoring of some kind is used
to stalk one in 13 victims. Baum, Katrina, Catalano, Shannan, Rand,
Michael and Rose, Kristina. 2009. Stalking Victimization in the
United States. U.S. Department of Justice Bureau of Justice
Statistics Available at www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/pub/pdf/svus.pdf

One in five teen girls and one in ten younger teen girls (age 13
to 16) have electronically sent or posted nude or semi-nude photos or
videos of themselves. Even more teen girls, 37 percent, have sent or
posted sexually suggestive text, email or IM (instant messages).- The
National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy and
CosmoGirl.com. 2008. Sex and Tech: Results from a Survey of Teens and
Young Adults. Available at www.thenationalcampaign.org/sextech/PDF/SexTech_Summary.pdf

More than half of teen girls (51 percent) say pressure from a guy
is a reason girls send sexy messages or images, while only 18 percent
of teen boys say pressure from a girl is a reason. Twelve percent of
teen girls who have sent sexually suggestive messages or images say
they felt pressured to do so.

I used to beat people up. Truthfully, I used to beat people up a
lot. Many of you readers probably think I have been Mr. Goody
Two-Shoes my whole life, but honestly, I was a bully growing up. In
elementary and middle school, I threw kids against the wall. I rubbed
their heads in the dirt at recess. I bit them. I even knocked teeth
out.

I had a lot of anger that I didnt know what to do with.
Thankfully, I was saved by my faith when I was 14 years old, and was
able to start living for others instead of just myself. But if
youve ever been at the bottom of a pile with me, you know that
I still have a bit of that bully deep down insidejust ask
DeMarcus Wareand I work hard to keep it there.

As NFL players, we do not play a gentle game. But our hits, our
anger, our aggressive behaviors need to be regulated and confined to
the field. Recent incidents of domestic violence have forced The
League, its fans and the players to take a hard look into our
collective conscience. To be honest, many NFL players are reluctant
to address such a sensitive issue. How do you fix a problem so big
and complex? How do you speak about something so damaging and painful
to families?

What can we do to help? All I can do is my small part. And I
invite you to help me. Ive recently launched the Why Not
You Foundation where Ill be raising funds and awareness
for a number of worthy causes. Its a place where I plan to give
back, and for my first initiative, I want us to Pass the Peace to
support victims of domestic violence. The idea behind Pass the Peace
is simple: Its a promise. Im sharing my love for you. I
want to take care of you. I am here for you.

To be honest, many NFL players are reluctant to
address such a sensitive issue. How do you fix a problem so big
and complex?

Maybe in our cynical world, this seems too ambitious, or even
naive. Maybe this issue is too taboo, too toxic. Ive tended to
avoid controversial topics throughout my career, but in my first
piece for The Players Tribune, I wanted to be open and address
something thats important, timely and relevant. Ive been
silent on the issue for too long, falling back on the I
cant speak to someone elses personal life excuse.
But victims need physical, emotional and financial support and care,
and the resources to get away from their abusers. Abusers, you need
to get helpyou can change.

How many of you reading right now knew that October is Domestic
Violence Awareness month? I certainly didnt. I had to Google
it. And thats part of why I felt so inspired to do my part.
This initiative, this story, is about acknowledging something
difficult, something wed rather not see. When I look back at
beating kids up on the playground, I dont like that image. But
I moved past that place in my life, and Im proud of the man I
am now.

This issue is much bigger than NFL suspensions. Domestic violence
isnt going to disappear tomorrow or the next day. But the more
that we choose not to talk about it, the more we shy away from the
issue, the more we lose.

I cant fix the world. I cant fix the NFL. I cant
change the guys around me. The only person I can change is the one
in the mirror. Im not a perfect person by any means. Im
just a recovering bully. But if we start being honest about our pain,
our anger, and our shortcomings instead of pretending they dont
exist, then maybe well leave the world a better place than we
found it. For those of us in the NFL, theres no excuse for
violence off the field.Source:
www.theplayerstribune.com/lets-talk-about-it/

Domestic Violence: A Two-way Street One man
battered every 14 seconds

Domestic violence is a confusing and disturbing phenomena, perhaps
rooted in the frustrations and disappointments of a hectic society,
but it is not gender specific as many would have us believe. In what
has been called a "dance of mutual destructiveness, [1]
mainstream research indicates that men and women abuse each other
with almost equal frequency. For instance, the statistic that "one
women is battered every 15 seconds" is based on research by Strass
and Gelles which indicate assaults by husbands or boyfriends on 1.8
million women every year, but also found assaults by wives or
girlfriends on 2 million men every year. "One man is battered every
14 seconds"? Yes, but who cares? "That study also found that 54% of
all violence termed 'severe' was by women." [2] As cosponsors
of the American Medical Association's Conference on Family Violence
[3], we noted a certain reluctance on the part of some of the
participants to address the cycle of family violence. Until we as a
society decide to deal with both sides of the issue, we can never
hope to find an effective solution to the problem.

Since society does not define abuse of men by women as a problem,
official police data reflects a much more frequent response to abuse
of women by men than of men by women. Therefore, it is not surprising
to find over 90% of the calls to police or to hotlines coming from
women, not men [4]. If a man called, who would listen?

Without treatment, the cycle continues.

Society's failure to address abuse by women has some rather tragic
results:

The cycle of family violence will not end until we are willing
to treat not only men who initiate violent acts, but the women
also. No adequate treatment programs for abusive women exist.

The man, generally being larger than the woman, is more likely
to inflict physical injury when he responds in kind to abuse from
the woman, but the woman is more likely to overcome the size
advantage by using a weapon [5].

Children are at particular risk. A 125 lb. woman is just as
dangerous to a small child as is a 150 lb. man and the failure to
admit that women can be violent has resulted in an increasingly
tragic epidemic of child abuse. Shelters must be developed for
children and their fathers who live in abusive relationships.

Must arrest policies which are designed to "arrest the man"
too often leave the children with a dangerously violent woman.
Arrest policies should be redesigned to arrest the person who
initiated the violence.

Children, the tiniest victims.

Considering the failure of society to define violence by women as
a problem, the child abuse data is particularly disturbing. Data from
the states' protective service agencies indicate that children have
much more to fear from their mothers than from their fathers, with
mothers abusing their children at a rate approaching or exceeding
twice that of fathers. In New Jersey, for instance, 70% of the
confirmed parental child abuse is committed by mothers, not fathers,
66% in Alaska, 67% in Virginia, 68% in Texas, and 62% in Minnesota.
One study of inner-city child abuse found 49% of the total child
abuse being perpetrated by single parent mothers [6]. It was
at the National Conference on Family Violence that Surgeon General
Joycelyn Elders so clearly defined the family violence problem as a
cycle that will not be broken until abused women stop abusing their
children [7].

Intra-Lesbian Violence: Women in Danger.

Studies of intra-lesbian violence provide further evidence of the
potential for female initiated violence. A surprising 54% of lesbians
report having been physically abusive in their current relationship
while 14% of gay men report abuse in their current relationship.
Contrast this with 3% of women who report that they have suffered
abuse from their current heterosexual partner and 11% of heterosexual
men and women who report ever being involved in an abusive
relationship at any time, either at present or in the past
[8], [9], [10].

Defining domestic violence as the attempt of men to control women
makes it difficult to develop legal procedures and treatment methods
designed to treat intra-lesbian violence [11]. Programs
should be designed to provide treatment for all perpetrators of
domestic violence, not just those that happen to be male. Failing to
do so is unfair to both the male and female victims of domestic
violence initiated by women.

Finding solutions.

The solution is rather simple -- we must reevaluate how we address
violence in our society, even how we define it. And, we must learn to
be effective parents, spouses, and teachers without resorting to
violence to resolve disputes with our loved ones and with those we
are educating.

Most importantly, we as a society must begin to acknowledge that
women are no less than equal partners in the cycle of violence. And,
society must develop programs and law enforcement procedures to deal
with that violence and the male and child victims of those violent
acts.

Martin Fiebert, Dept of Psychology, CSU - Bibliogrpahy with 122
scholarly investigations which demonstrate that women are as
physically aggressive, or more aggressive, than men in their
relationships with their spouses or male partners. The aggregate
sample size in the reviewed studies exceeds 77,000 www.csulb.edu/~mfiebert/assault.htm