"Walking with humans" is no. 1 on dolphin "things to do before you die" list

An extensive worldwide survey conducted by YOLO (Dolphin and Porpoise) plc. has found that walking with humans is now no 1 on dolphin bucket lists, beating the previous winner, "dick about aimlessly in the water", into second place. In third place was the ever-popular, "eat fish" followed by "avoid sharks" and "shag other dolphins" rounding off the top five.

The survey did throw up a number of surprising results, however, including "Bungee jump off the Golden Gate Bridge" at number 26 and "Meet Christopher Walken" weighing in at number 33. There was also a suggestion of contaminated results from one particular pod of dolphins in the North Atlantic, as 100% of the large pod all said that the number one thing they wanted to do before they died was "escape from these tuna nets."

Although not biologically designed to survive out of water, dolphins now believe that spending periods of time on land with humans can provide significant medical and psychological benefits for them.

"Humans are so fat and idiotic that they make us feel better about ourselves," explained Mr. Flipple, a dolphin who regularly walks with captive humans on a very small desert island in the middle of the ocean. "They can be dangerous if you're with them in their natural habitat, though. I was walking behind one of them a few years ago and when she saw me she just totally freaked out for no reason and started hitting me with a bag."

However, Professor Risso Grampus, professor of anthropology at Mauna Kea University, believes that such dolphin activities are, at best, misguided. "They call it walking with humans but it's not really walking," he said. "They just sort of bounce and wriggle about on their stomachs for a few minutes before sliding back in the ocean. I'm not sure what good that does anybody."

Professor Grampus has also criticised attempts by certain dolphins to further interact with humans in their natural habitats and cities, attempts which have inevitably led to mass beachings and numerous fatalities in the dolphin community in the past.

"The dolphins who peddle this sort of rubbish to calves are a bunch of dangerous, irresponsible hippies" he said. "Quite frankly, if they think that they can circumvent a million years of evolution by bellyflopping their way down Oxford Street then they have another thing coming."

Rushed it a bit after the first two paragraphs. It was late at night and I'm always paranoid that someone else will put in a similar story so I just fired it in (couldn't believe something like this never appeared before).

Bit of a re-draft below:

An extensive worldwide survey conducted by YOLO (Dolphin and Porpoise) plc. has revealed that "Walking with humans" is now top of dolphin bucket lists, beating the previous winner, "Dick about aimlessly in the water", into second place. Third place was taken by the ever-popular "Eat fish", followed by "Avoid sharks" and "Shag other dolphins" rounding off the top five.

The practice of walking with humans has recently gained huge popularity amongst dolphins and has been hailed as one of the most therapeutic and life-affirming experiences the world can offer.

"It's amazing," said Australian dolphin, Fraser Peale, who regularly walks with humans. "Sometimes, you can almost think that these animals understand what's going on. You do have to be careful not to startle them, though, or they can get very aggressive. I was walking behind a female once and when she saw me she just totally freaked out for no reason and then started hitting me with a bag. It's worth those risks, though, because it's just such a fantastic experience."

However, some dolphin sceptics, including Professor Risso Grampus of University College Solent, condemn the practice, claiming that it has a long record of beachings and dolphin fatalities.

"I've seen these dolphins who claim to walk with humans," said Professor Grampus, "but all they do is bounce onto a beach and wriggle about on their stomach until they get washed back into the sea, if they're lucky. Quite frankly, if they think they can circumvent a million years of divergent evolution by bellyflopping around Southend on a Saturday night then they have another thing coming."

Despite these views, the results of the recent survey appear to show that dolphins are becoming increasingly interested in getting close to human activities, with "Bungee jump off the Golden Gate Bridge", coming in at number 26 on the list, while "Meet Christopher Walken" appears at number 33. However, some have cast doubt over whether the results of the survey are wholly accurate, as it appears to show an anomaly in that 100% of dolphins in a very large pod in the North Atlantic all said that the number one thing they wanted to do before they died was "Escape from this tuna net."

There's proper graft in this story. Well worth it. It's great. Just a suggestion, but it could maybe be a bit shorter. I think you could lose para 3 (of your redraft) without any adverse effects. Have a flipper load of stars.

Goddamn it! You think you've got a quality story and then pinxit totally outclasses it with another genius photograph like that. I now have a voice in my head of Christopher Walken making dolphin noises with his usual bizarre timing, finishing off with the word, "motherfucker" and then shooting a shark.

On the subject of shortening it, I wasn't sure about the 3rd paragraph but felt it worked better with it in. Looking at it again, it would probably be better with taking out para 3 and sticking an extra bit at the end of para 2 about "despite warnings of their aggression" or something like that, only less shit.