Ever notice how the people who thump their bibles the hardest are the ones having the most fun? If you, too, want to have lots of fun with no consequences, become an evangelical bible thumper. You know the type. They are the ones that stand before the pulpit - often on television - talking about sin, hellfire and damnation every Sunday while spending the rest of the week fornicating, committing adultery, doing drugs, hiring gay male prostitutes, embezzling money from the church, and so on.

If you are caught lying, cheating, or even having a gay affair while on crystal meth, all you have to do is squeeze out a few tears (courtesy of Vicks Vaporub), hold the bible up in front of you and tell everybody that you have been forgiven. It works like a charm. The best part is that people will send you loads of money when you tell them that they, too, can be forgiven - for a sizable donation. It works so well that I am truly surprised that there aren't more bible colleges opening up all across the land. It seems like the religious guilt business is a surefire bet in any economy.