Sunday, May 23, 2010

In a strange turn of events, the prophet of the Islamic faith, Mohammed, has submitted a drawing of himself to the 'Everybody draw Mohammed' Facebook page and confused the hell out of protesters everywhere, AP reports. The drawing, copies of which were hand-delivered to the offices of major newspapers around the world, depicts the stick figure of a man holding a cup. Critics and scholars everywhere are divided over the meaning and implications of this drawing while protesters are standing around in confusion.

"We can't draw Mohammed, but can Mohammed draw himself?" asked leading protester Fazl ul Hasan. "I can't think for myself, I'm waiting for old, derelict fools to issue orders about whether or not this means we shouldn't protest. But it's a bit like that mountain-Mohammed thing, isn't it?"

"Except....it kind of isn't" concluded he, confused.

Protesters worldwide were stopped in their tracks as news broke of this queer phenomenon. In a statement later released to reporters, Mohammed revealed that the drawing was a self-portrait of himself drinking coffee in the morning. "I don't know, I just felt like drawing myself, you know, and putting an end to all this bullshit going on. I know it's no Rembrandt but it's a start."

Mohammed further clarified that there was no ban anywhere in the Quran on drawing pictures of him, that people had been drawing his pictures for ages now and that this was his method of protest against the strangling of free speech by 'wacky braindead conservatives' [sic]. "I mean, I admit that bomb-in-the-turban thing in Jyllands-Posten was a bit provocative. But there are democratic ways of protesting that stuff, not a blanket ban of drawing and killing film directors and setting things on fire. And claiming God said that about pictures! That would be a silly thing for Allah to say. 'If you kill one person, you kill all of humanity. And if you save one person, you save all of humanity. And screw crayons.' I'd blink twice at that" said the statement.

"The point is, He didn't say any such thing" continued the statement. Mohammed is also said to have 'Liked' the Facebook page and unjoined the community 'Pakistan.'

Stunned conservatives across the world have huddled together to decide on their next course of action while liberals have creamed their jeans in excitement. Meanwhile, NDTV interviewed it's token Muslim, Javed Akhtar, about this development, to which the poet and ace lyricist eloquently replied "I don't even fucking care! I'm an atheist." NDTV's Dr. Prannoy Roy then went on to put Akhtar in the dock for further issues related to Muslims and interrogated him for three hours, as though Akhtar were the only representative for the entire community, which Dr. Roy no doubt viewed as monolithic. Akhtar, Shah Rukh Khan, Irrfan Khan and other prominent Indian celebrities who happen to be Muslims have been reported to have been told to be on standby by NDTV for purposes of condemning any silly protest, violent outburst or terrorist attack that might ensue in the future and clarifying that Islam did not condone it, ignoring the fact that this implied that NDTV thought it did.

In the Middle-East, aged Wahhabi conservatives in the Saudi Arabian kingdom have issued a fatwa against everyone who draws pictures of the Prophet. When the ironic implication of this was pointed out to them, they reportedly also issued a fatwa against irony, sarcasm, deadpan and other forms of humour. Former Uttar Pradesh minister Haji Yaqoob Qureishi meanwhile announced a bounty on the head of all the people who had drawn pictures for the Facebook page. He also added "Bring me the head of Alfredo Garcia," stunning Sam Peckinpah fans.

At press time, the prophet Mohammed was reportedly turned away from a mosque in Mecca because he modestly refused to recite the kalma.