Trump demands to be “Showered in Gold” during UK visit

The spokesman explained that, during his visit in October, President Trump will be shown all the normal formalities accorded to a visiting US president.

These include a ride up the Mall in the golden state coach with the Queen and Prince Philip, “Droit de seigneur” with the royal corgis and a state banquet of roasted swans and pelicans, freshly caught in St James’s Park and ritually slaughtered with a sword used at the battle of Agincourt.

He explained that, in addition, President Trump will be accorded other honours normally reserved only the for “headliest” of heads of state.

“As befits his status as the most popular US president, with the biggest majority in the electoral college and the biggest ever crowd at his inauguration, we are preparing a special suit of clothes for him to wear during his ride in the royal carriage.” he said.

The cloth used for this suit, he explained, will be so fine that it will be invisible to those who are unfit for their positions, stupid, or incompetent.

“Their majesties and the government will be able to appreciate the exquisite weave of the fabric, whilst the proles will have the opportunity to marvel at the size of the President’s majority and the magnificence of his inauguration.” he explained.

The spokesman stated that, on arriving at the end of the Mall, Trump will be forded the unique honour of being “showered with gold” by the ladies of the royal bed chamber.

“The fabric of the suit is so fine as to be non-absorbent, so there will be no need for the President to unfurl his umbrella. Should he so choose, however, I’m sure one or more of the ladies will be happy to unfurl it and hold it up for him.” he said.

The spokesman added that Prime Minister Theresa May had inquired as to whether she may be able to play a role in this part of the proceedings but her offer had been declined as, having been elected by neither popular vote nor by the MPs of her own party, it had been impossible to define whether she was “a ten” or not.

Having been showered in gold President Trump will be escorted into the houses of parliament by Black Rod, where he will be invited to tell the assembled MPs just how little he thinks of them.

“He was initially suspicious of being escorted by someone with a “black rod” but after we explained that it was a wooden walking stick and would be shorter than his umbrella he acquiesced.” said the spokesman, adding that Trump had also been confused when told that he would not be addressing Nigel Farage and his UKIP chums.

“We had to explain that, despite seven attempts, Nigel has never actually been elected to parliament, and that his constant demands to be awarded a peerage have to date gone unheeded.” he said.

“It’s ‘I want, doesn’t get’ in this business sweetie! As with the showers of gold, one takes what the lady gives and one is grateful.” he said.