Tuesday, June 27, 2006

I've been sitting on this one for a while, ironing all the details out and connecting the last few dots. That's right, after countless Q&A references by Dejan and the discussions that they blossom into on this blog, it's finally time for the Pittsburgh Pirates/Office Space comparison. I connected all the dots I could, if you guys can think up anything for the people that got left out, I'll tack it on to the bottom if I think it fits.

Dave Littlefield/Bill Lumbergh- They're both the bosses, they're both jackasses, they both terribly mistreat their employees, and they even look alike. Creepy.

Craig Wilson/Milton Waddams- The parallels are eerie. In the Pirates Q&A on June 7th, a reader asked Dejan if he had, by any chance, heard the following mutterings from the clubhouse:

And I said, I don't care if they trade me either, because I told, I told Dave that if they put me on the bench one more time, then, then I'm quitting, I'm going to quit. And, I told Jim, too, because they've changed my position three times now already and I used to be in right field, and I could see the pretty girls, and they were merry, but then they switched me to first base, but I kept my outfielders glove because it was easier to catch with, and it's not OK if they put me on the bench again, because if they take my outfielder's glove then I'll set the park on fire...

Jason Bay/Joanna- He hits home runs, plays good outfield, steals bases, and does just about anything you could ask of him. Still, there are whispers about his clutchness. She's hot, funny, and loves kung-fu movies. But she may have f*cked Lumbergh. The rumors probably aren't true, but the fact that they even exist are enough to make everyone involved uncomfortable. And that goddamned ugly All-Star patch on his uniform? That's a piece of flair, of course.

Ryan Doumit/ Lawrence- I'm almost postive that if Ryan Doumit had a million dollars, he'd do two chicks at the same time. You know, because chicks dig a dude with money, especially the kind that would double up on a dude like Ryan Doumit.

Ronnie Paulino/Peter Gibbons- Both very likeable, but both have been undeservedly promoted based on circumstantial evidence while those that work closely with them get royally screwed.

Ed Creech and Brian Graham/Bob Slydell and Bob Porter- It pains me to do this because Bob Slydell is such a great character and is likely the genesis of one of the best TV characters of all-time, Dr. Perry Cox, while I despise Creech and Graham. Still, Creech and Graham just go around doing Littlefield's bidding by screwing with everything they touch in the worst way possible. Kind of like the Bobs.

Salomon Torres, Roberto Hernandez, Joe Randa, and a number of other Pirates/Samir Nagheenanajar- "We're going to be getting rid of some people around here. First, Mr. Salomon Naga... Naga... Nagannaworkhereanymore anways."

Jeromy Burnitz/Tom Symkowski- Both get paid excessively to do nothing. Tom Symkowski got hit by a car. Jeromy Burnitz has no such excuse, but may be the final evidence we need to prove that Dave Littlefield makes all of his decisions with Tom's "Jump to Conclusions" mat.

Ryan Vogelsong/Steve, the magazine salesman- "Good evening sir, my name is Ryan. I come from the Pirates bullpen. I used to be a decent prospect but now I am not and I am not allowed near a baseball diamond, which is why I am selling magazines."

Zach Duke/Michael Bolton- Good at their jobs, but those little mundane details screw everything up. In Duke's case that mundane detail is usually getting the third out in the fourth or fifth inning.

Jim Tracy/Stan (Chotchkie's manager)- All around pricks that aren't half as important as they think.

Jose Hernandez/Brian (Chotchkie's waiter)- Neither does anything but annoy the piss out of everyone and make people wonder if he has an inappropriate relationship with his boss.

The rest of the team/All the people that eat Milton's cake- Just kind of milling about the office and doing their job. They just kind of ignore the elephant in the room and go on with their lives. Nothing is directly their fault, but maybe if they were better at their jobs, none of this would happen.