IGN's Totally Unauthorized 2009 Game Awards

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The most important categories you never thought you cared about.

By David Clayman, Ryan Geddes

This week we're rolling out our coveted year-end awards for each gaming platform. This is the part where we talk about how prestigious they are and how important it is for you to pay careful attention to our choices. But seriously, who really cares? Don't we already know what all the best games were? "Blah, blah, blah, I'm Greg Miller and I love Uncharted 2." Yeah, thanks for the sweet info.

So while all those mindless console monkeys are falling all over themselves to see who can use the most superlatives in a sentence about Halo, we're taking a different route. We're going to hand out awards that really matter. Enough talk. Let's kick this s**t off.

Only the book and breafast cereal industries rely on box art to sell their products more than the videogame biz. If you don't have an awesome cover at retail, then you might as well forget about that lavish launch party. There were some great covers this year, but you've already seen them a thousand times already. Aren't your eyes sore from looking at that Modern Warfare 2 guy yet?

For every sweet box design there are 50 that are just plain stupid. We know, because we see them all. Now it's your turn.

Winner -- Imagine: Party Babyz You know what, Ubisoft? No. No, we will not imagine a world in which there are party babies. And I also refuse to spell them with a Z on the end. Look at the one on the right. He has clearly fallen down and is in danger of choking to death on confetti! These evil children are up to all sorts of shenanigans and no one is watching them. Also, blech. Bleeeeechhhhhh!

Borderlands Gearbox and 2K's Borderlands is one of our favorite games of 2009, but the box art is just plain silly. It looks like it started out as concept art on a talented designer's desk when it was unfortunately glimpsed by a marketing guy who was in town for his twice-monthly trips to tell everyone to make everything crappier. Yeah, we get it, this game is badass. You don't have to blow your brains out over it.

The Conduit First off, it's never a good idea to name your game after a piece of piping. Is this about an electrical contractor? And what's happening in this box art? Is he wearing Oakleys? How many holes does the muzzle of a gun need to be effective? This looks like the cover of a Robert Heinlein novel from the early 1960s but without all the busty alien chicks with nipples on the ends of their antennae. Do not want!

Mount and Blade Getting literal on us, are you, Paradox Interactive? So let's see if we can understand. This game is called Mount & Blade, right? You've pretty much taken care of that disclosure in the title. So why do you feel the need to show us both the mount and the blade in the box art? Cute horse though. Oh wait, I can't see its head. More blade, less mount please.

Neighborhood Games Developer Jet Black Games is based in Canada, which goes a long way toward explaining why they would put children playing in the street on the cover of their game. That's not how we do things here in America, alright? Sure, it's OK to play some wiffle ball in front of the house every once in a while, but there are more than 10 children roaming around here. And they are too distracted to see that a crop duster is about to spray deadly chemicals on their heads.

Stalin vs. Martians There's so much wrong with this, that nothing we say about the Stalin vs. Martians box could possibly cover all the bases. What's maybe most disturbing about it is how sweet and grandfatherly Stalin looks compared to the snarling green Martian. He looks like he's about to give the alien a roll of Werther's Originals or something. Also, what's with the stars? Is it a game show? So confused.

Star Trek DAC Never mind the fact that most people have no idea what a D.A.C. is. What the hell is going on in this picture? It looks like a ghost is trying to punch through some mosquito netting (if the bottom of the ship were the fist, see?). The Enterprise is one of the most iconic objects in sci-fi. Why distort it? Dumb.

Stormrise A storm is rising! Or something. See, here's the deal. Those blue guys want to kill those red guys. And there's a building that's blowing up because of the storm that's rising. But one thing's for sure. This conflict is going to be a bloodbath. Look how close they are standing to one another as they shoot. Awesome!

Raven Squad There are two things that ruin this cover. First, the glasses on the main character. They look ridiculous. Second, the raven in the logo. The problem is, ravens are not cool or badass. Maybe Eagle Squad was taken, but that's not our problem. That bird looks cheap and uncool. Without these two elements, the cover would look similar to FarCry Instinct. Oh, also, who stands like that?

WorldShift If all else fails, you can always put a sultry cyber-chick with a cyber-lance on the cover. Worldshift is an RTS with RPG elements, which is the nerdiest thing any of us could ever imagine. So it's understandable that the publisher went the cyber-chick route, we suppose. But where is she standing, exactly? Sweet cyber boots though.