How Pornography Skews Your Perceptions About Marriage and Intimacy

While you may think that tawbah wipes away the sin of watching pornography, the imprints that pornography leaves on your mind have not been wiped away. In fact, these pornographic imprints will shape and distort your perceptions about marriage and intimacy.

Take Brother Mahmood who joined the Purify Your Gaze online program (now known as Breaking Free) after struggling with his addiction to pornography for decades. One of his main motivators for his recovery was to be able to get married.

But with every prospect that he met for marriage, he kept finding himself not feeling satisfied and frustrated. The problem? He did not feel physically attracted to any of the prospects he met.

In his eyes, they all looked “bland”.

“My biggest fear is, what if I marry one of the bland sisters and then am unhappy due to the unfulfillment of looking at someone who is pretty. As a result I start pursuing women out on the malls and streets, because thats what my heart desires. And also that’s what would suck me right back into porn. And this fear is even compounded by the fact that I do get attention from the non Muslim women. ” — Brother Mahmood

Brother Mahmood is 35 now, and all of his friends are getting married. He’s spoken to literally dozens of sisters in various cities, but he has still not found “the one” who is good enough for him.

His views on intimacy have become skewed and colored by the fantasy that has gotten a grip on his heart.

“My fears regarding the practicing Muslimas being prudes increases even more when I read blogs of the sisters where they mention how difficult it is for a modest practicing sister to open up sexually to a man after marriage…. for some sisters it took them over 2 months after marriage to be intimate with their husbands. These are situations where one puts so much emphasis on the looks of a sister. She better be drop dead gorgeous for me to put up with all this red tape.”

“It makes me wonder that while I am out there getting exposed to sex and sexuality from porn and interacting with non Muslim women, the sisters live in a little bubble where they keep themselves away from anything to do with sexuality other than the academic knowledge they get in school.”

What Brother Mahmood fails to realize is the impact pornography has had desensitizing him to natural beauty and being able to appreciate the natural courtship that takes place within a marriage.

What Brother Mahmood fails to realize is the impact pornography has had desensitizing him to natural beauty and being able to appreciate the natural courtship that takes place within a marriage.

The imprint fixed on his mind, that is looking for that perfection is based on a heavily edited and choreographed fantasy. He expects intimacy in real life to happen the same way it occurs in pornography, which cuts to the chase immediately. The basic storyline is: Man sees an attractive woman, woman sees a man, and the sexual act takes place.

“No matter how often you watch pornography, or how seldom, you are still vulnerable to these distortions that are internalized by your subconscious. Each fix is going to leave a lasting impression on your mind.”

Pornography feeds the fantasy that he is instantly desired, craved, and wanted at the drop of the hat, where the woman will drop everything she is doing and will come after him. This desensitization from what true beauty is, what true intimacy is, and what true sexuality is, has taken brother Mahmood to a place where nothing satiates him. He wants more and more, but he’s left feeling hungry.

And that is the basic premise of the sexual addiction: it never satiates. You never get that joy that comes from enjoying a healthy relationship with a spouse.

Pornography robs that satisfaction and joy that would come from a beautiful interaction with your spouse. There is nothing intimate about it. It just keeps digging a deeper and deeper hole in your heart and soul and bars you from the very love and mercy you want most from a relationship.

The damage is not just restricted to pornography; other unwanted sexual behaviours just as much shape your perceptions about marriage and intimacy.

No matter how often you watch pornography, or how seldom, you are still vulnerable to these distortions that are internalized by your subconscious. Each fix leaves a lasting impression on your mind.

Even though these are the consequences of watching pornography, recovering your healthy sexuality and what it means, is very much possible through recovery.

It’s through the healing process of recovery that you can begin to uncover and challenge your false perceptions around intimacy, marriage, and what beauty really is.

You can reclaim that part of yourself that has been damaged through the years.

Zeyad Ramadan

Zeyad Ramadan is the founder of Purify Your Gaze. Through his leadership, Purify Your Gaze has served as the personal recovery guide for thousands of Muslims coming from over 35 different countries around the world in the various stages of their healing journey and has provided support to its members through its addiction recovery tools, its workshops, and personal 1-1 coaching. Zeyad has successfully lead workshops and delivered talks dealing with sexual intimacy, addiction recovery, embracing true gender roles, and spirituality. He currently lives with his wife and four kids in Orange County, California. Connect with Zeyad on Facebook and Twitter.

Purify Your Gaze is the safe-place where Muslims struggling with pornography and sex addiction can find acceptance, guidance, and healing as they aspire towards a life of sexual purity and intimate connections, grounded in the deep surrender to God.
We aim to share ideas and thought-provoking content on a wide range of topics: including the effects of pornography and sexual addiction, healing from trauma, recovery principles for those seeking change, personal accounts of Muslims in recovery, and a new paradigm for healthy sexuality, relationships and intimacy as inspired by our Islamic traditions.