Good morning Sonshine. I wanted to share something with you. One of your "fellow riders" wrote to me last night and said "If it makes you feel any better when we throw our legs over we know what a risk we are taking but couldnt live life happy without it. Im SURE he felt the same... just bad that this has to be a part of our sport" Oddly enough, it *did* make me feel a "little" better. I know you loved riding Jer and it was your biggest passion. You definitely died living, I know. Please forgive me for being sad but I am selfish and I miss you very much and I just wish such a dangerous sport hadn't been your passion. (What was so wrong with my wanting you to knit Sonshine!? Haha, funny Mahies.)I love you Jer.Mom

It goes without saying Sonshine that I can't stop thinking about you and today, well... pretty much sucked so far. We're trying to make the best of it but of course it's not easy.I love you Jer, Merry Christmas.

Sonshine, hi there. :* It's the end of a fairly decent week. I had lunch with Chuck yesterday (he is such an incredible person, he misses you dearly) and Pappy Vern, Poozers, Mac and I met Matty and Kaitlyn at Pier 39 tonight. We sat around eating dinner and telling wonderful stories about you. That's the way it is meant to be when someone as wonderful as you dies I guess... ? We must celebrate your life and honor your beautiful memory by sharing funny and inspiring stories. Nicki told her 21st birthday Lake Comanche story as well as the one with the three of us where you put the lights on top ofmy K-5 and made a siren noise like a park ranger. Damn you were a kick Son! How could anyone not smile and laugh when they were around you? It was impossible! So full of love and light. Matty told us about the new videos on his page and I was so excited to come home and see them. I am SO thankful that he took them and shared them. He is such a good person. We all seem to feel your energy so you just keep it up! I miss you Jer.

Hello precious Sonshine :* I got a Christmas card in the mail today from your friend Shelby. She wrote "Jeremy was such a dear person because of the wonderful family that raised him that way." Such beautiful and thoughtful words and they warmed my heart completely. I can't speak for Dad's because I've never been a Dad but speaking for Mom's - A good Mom's job is a tough one. It's almost like a recipe for the perfect dish... just the right amounts of guidance, discipline, independence, advice and then BIG HEALTHY doses of love, LOTS of hugs, kisses and affection and voila - the perfect Son and Daughter! That's what I have! I can't cook for shit (as you know, ha!) but I did A-OK with you and Nicki. Youtwo make me proud. I love you.

Good evening my amazing Sonshine :* I caught your scent today right outside my house. I don't know where it was coming from but it was very strong and it was the "fragrance" that you used to ask me for when I would ask what you wanted for Christmas. When I asked this year you said you changed and was wearing a different scent but by the same company. Funny thing, I bought it for you and was going to give it to you for Christmas. Strangely enough after you died I smelled it and since I hadn't actually smelled it *on* you, it just wasn't YOU to me so I tossed it. I went and bought the "old" fragrance and yes, it's you (to me.) I smell it every day before I go to bed and warm, loving memories just flood my heart and head. My Son - my beautiful, one of a kind, only Son - how I miss you.

Hello Sonshine :* Even as the days drag on (and boy do they drag!) it's still so clear how many lives you touch (still) and how many people you made happier by being in their lives. I pat you on the back Son. You are a treasure to all those who know you... (still.) Your memory lives on and on and on in so many people's hearts - it's apparent that you will never be forgotten. Have I mentioned what a proud Mom I am? I think I have but I mention it again because it's very important. :) Your Dad too. He doesn't *do* the online thing (as you know) but I talk to him every other day or so and he is so very proud of you and loves and misses you very much.

I love you Son. I'm guessing that you are the most handsome Angel that Heaven has seen... ever!

I miss you,Mom

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Saying goodnight on a Sunday night Current mood: sad

Hello Sonshine :* I've been working really hard on your video and website so I can't believe I haven't written to you in 3 days... bad Mahies! Did you make that song play in the Hallmark store yesterday!? Nicki's friend told her all about signs and I swear that your energy is everywhere and you keep sending them. This morning I woke up exactly at 4:20... hmmmmm, in-ter-rest-ting. ;* Man I miss you so much. As I work on these projects and stare and stare at your pictures (as a baby AND adult) I think, no way... he can not be gone from the Earth, it just can't be. I know it's true but I still shake my head. Pappy Vern cries with me every time I cry. It hurts him so much to see me in such pain and all the while, he's hurting too because he loves you and he misses you too. He didn't get to be a Dad to you for very long but I know it made him feel very loved and special that you got along so well. He said just the other day "You gave me a family." I know it saddens him deeply that 1/2 that family is not here anymore. He loves you and Nicki so very much. Gosh, don't we all, eh? You BOTH are so lovable and such wonderful people. The world is such a darker and sadder place without you here Jeremy. Keep sending me signs Sonshine... it makes me less afraid of things and more open to what really *could* be on the other side. I love you Sonshine and miss you bunches and bunches.

Your memorial website is coming along quite nicely. You would be proud of it and I wish I had started it when you were alive, I am sorry.

About all the 'blue' at your services, let me explain Sonshine - Nicki knew your fav color was red (just like your Mahies favorite color, I never knew it had become yours!) but I'm afraid red just wasn't an option for your services, I am so sorry.

Your Dad and I chose "babyboy" blue for your casket because you were and always will be, our babyboy. Your memorial ribbons were blue also (a very pretty blue) but that was because it was a last minute order and blue was the only color they had. The writing was silver though, you would have liked that. I believe you would have forgiven us for the blue but still it broke my heart just a little more to be told "Jeremy didn't like blue"... I mean seriously, did it really matter? (Figures that the sad face is blue.)

I am making absolute sure that your website has no blue. I however, will always and forever be blue.

Hi Sonshine :* I've been working on a project of a video compilation of you and your sis. Wow did I have a meltdown today. Watching and editing the videos of you from babyhood to double digits is very hard but I need to do this. I know many family members will be thrilled with their copy. (My cheapie but heartfelt gifts to them this year.) I miss you Jeremy. My Sonshine. I love you. Goodnight.Momxoxoxo

Hi Sonshine. Auntie Marcie and Miss Olivia came for a visit today - she said that if she had gotten up and talked at your service she would have said "I knew Babyboy when he was an egg!" ha! Funny Marcie :) Guess what? Right this very second Poozers is getting her memorial RIP Bear tattoo! I know she'll tell you all about it but I just wanted you to know that it's happening right now! (You probably are watching!)

I woke up this morning and wanted to sayI feel so alive and free from my painI have no more worries, I have no more fearsAnd everyone here is just as sincereWe laugh and we joke til it's time to lie downFor tomorrow is actually promised in this town

Though I still kind of wonder how all of you feelI know that my passing is very unrealBut if it's any comfort, I want you to knowI have a new home and a motorcycleI ride with the angels who look just like meso loving, so cool, that's me - Jeremy.

I didn't realize my time was so closeI would have made sure we had our last toastBut God had just told me that had I stayedI would have missed my spot in the shadeSo he quickly called on me so that I could seewhat it's like to be an angel, I'm home, I'm free.

Thanks for the memories that all of you madeBe nice to each other, I'll see you again.

Hey Sonshine! Your dad told your sis yesterday that no way will he celebrate xmas without you so he's going to Dland... and I thought, holey moley what a brilliant idea. I don't want to "celebrate" either and what better thing to do than leave town? I stole your dad's idea (he said it was actually Beth's idea!) and PappyVern, Nicki, Mike and I are all going to DLand on 12/25. No celebration of Christmas without you, not this year. Oh and you know, just maybe in your honor, we'll grab a bite to eat at "Goofy's Kitchen!" Man you ate a lot that trip! 25$ worth and then some. Nicki told that story just recently to a group of our loved ones and oh my goodness, how we laughed at the memory of you trying to get our $75.00 worth of food eaten in a short time. You were so damn cute and funny! Don't forget that you will *always* be a part of DLand because your picture with Rafiki is on the collage hanging in Main Street. I love you Jer, always and forever. :)

Sonshine, I found out yesterday that Lois (Caren's Mom) kept a journal when Caren died. Her description of what she wrote to Caren was very similar to what we do here - write to you and tell you how much we love and miss you. It's nice that people can come here and share their memories of you and share happy stories. All that makes people feel better and that may very well be a big part of the (LONG) healing process. I love reading what your friends say about you - they obviously admire and love you very much. I say again, I am one proud Mom. Thank you Jeremy. Sleep well Sonshine. I love you.Mom.xoxox

1 month today Sonshine. I miss you more each day. Would you believe that Poozers and I had dinner with Fana tonight!? She told us the great story of you two racing down the street on bikes and then she took a nasty fall and broke her arm. She said you were so worried and your eyes were tearing up and just trying to take care of her... you were only in 4th grade! That was you Jer - full of heart.

It's now December my precious Sonshine. I hope you're humming our favorite Raffi Christmas Carols wherever you are. How you loved to say "Watch this" to your friends and then you would hum a song and in a matter of minutes (usually seconds!) your ole Mom would be singing that song... you and your friends got such a kick out of that. I didn't even realize what was happening... what a joy you were to raise and love. You brought a lot more smiles to my face than you did tears, thank you Son. I miss you like mad.

Good evening Sonshine :* I had lunch with Chuck today. He is such a comforting presence and just one helluva great guy. He offered to have lunch with me once a week just like you and I tried to do... isn't that the sweetest thing? I thought that was a bit much for him to do for me so we'll try for once a month. :) I love you Jer. I really really miss you.Mom

Hey Son :* I'm missing you something terrible. The world as I knew it is all wrong and out of order now. I can't stress enough on how I am so puzzled and confused on why I am here and you are not. Mom's go first. I think I told you that rule time and time again... why did you break *that* rule of all rules? I am not much help to anyone else because my pain of your death is too deep. I hope that someday I will be the person I was or at least a partial part of that person. For now, I will take care of myself as your friend Lynn told me to do. She wrote me a beautiful letter today. You had so many admirers Jeremy, so many people loved your spirit and smile. But most of all, your Mom.You always said words are powerful so I hope my words are powerful enough to reach you wherever you may be.I love you.Mom

G'morning Sonshine. I think I'd make a deal with the devil to get your life back. Your death has caused so much pain and heartbreak in so many wonderful and caring people - I would give the devil my soul and anything else, just to put you back on this Earth. My pain of missing you is just so debilitating. A lady I talked to yesterday said this is like being hit with lightening - my body has taken an electrical jolt that is so powerful I'll never feel right again. I think what she said was brilliant and right on the money.I love you Jeremy.Momxoxoxoxoo

I missed you so much today. I feel so incomplete now that you're gone. The tippy most part of our triangle is missing and Poozer and I are connected by just one line now - it's just all wrong. :( The three of us have a bond that most would never understand Sonshine but we three did. Damn it - Forget it, I am just too sad, tired, drained etc etc etc... I will have to say goodnight now. I love you. xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Poozers and I had dinner with Sarah and her girls tonight, it was really really nice. The girls were fun and chatty and helped me take my mind off of the sadness. Poozers seemed quite better for the moment too. Sarah is very sad but I think with us all sticking together, she'll get through. I want you to know Jer that we will help her and won't abandon her so do not worry. Pappy Vern is already saying "our grandchild!" How 'bout that Pappy Vern, eh? I miss you Sonshine and I love you forever. Good night Son. :*xoxoxoxoxMom

Good morning Sonshine. :* I bought a domain, jeremyhaywood.com, in your honor. Nicki and I will be creating a memorial site for you and it will remain up until I am gone and who knows, maybe Poozers will take over? It's a WIP so don't get too disappointed that it's just a small page right now. ;) I wear your beautiful face around my neck and your memorial ribbon to honor your memory. Before I went to sleep last night I begged you to come to me in my dreams and you did, thank you! It was SO wonderful to be with you and even when I woke up and realized it wasn't real, I still felt a little warmer. I love you Sonshine, sleep tight Jer.Momxoxoxoxo

Well Sonshine, it's been two weeks since you died and my stomach still lurches every second that I think of you not being here. Nothing is the same - I will never have another son and my world is so dark and sad. I try to be brave and smile for your sister but inside I am broken and shattered. I miss you so much Jeremy. I keep forwarding your mail that you sent me so I have all the "I love you Mom" and "I love you Mahies" mail that I can save. I just read and re-read. I'm sure it's not the healthiest thing to do right now but damn it, taking you away at such a young age was so unfair and cruel. You had SO much life ahead of you... I would trade places in a minute. I had my joy in raising two beautiful children - that joy was taken away from you. I am so sad for you that you'll miss so much but I know that the short life you *did* have was full of love, friends and passion and that helps me feel a little better. I am also very sad for myself because truly, my sonshine will never rise again. I am sad for all your friends and the rest of our family who simply thought the world of you. It's so obvious in what they tell me and how they speak of you and cry that you're gone. You were (ARE) so loved Jeremy.My only son - I miss you... so so much. :..(Mom

Nov 17 2007

Nov 15 2007 11:59 PM

I am sad and weary today so I will simply say Goodnight Sonshine. I love you.

Momxoxooxox

Nov 14 2007 9:59 PM

Hello Precious Sonshine. Sarah and I held it together today and we were quite impressive, or so says the officer that was on the scene of your accident. Pooz doesn't like your favorite candies that I bought today so I guess they'll just sit here throughout the holidays for you. In case you forgot, your favorite is Christmas Mints by Palmers. ;) G'night Sonshine. I love you.Mahiesxoxoxoxo(Pooz is here behind me and says "I'm gonna hate tomorrow too.")xoxoxooox

Nov 14 2007 12:28 PM

Well Sonshine - what a mistake it was to come to work. It's so much harder to be away from home where we have all your pictures together and candles burning for you all day long. It was really helping me smile at our memories instead of cry. You know they won't let me burn candles in the computer room, imagine that meanieness of them, haha. Your sister called me today just at the exact hardest time, she's a miracle. By the time we hung up I was feeling better and not crying. We've all been taking care of each other but everyone is hurting so much. I think PappyVern has done an amazing job of putting his own pain aside and taking care of his (your) girls. I know he's hurting too; he loved you as well. I have to do something really really hard today. I have to go pick up your personal belongings and was told that they will only release them to your Mom. Sarah was wonderful, she offered to go with me. That was SO supportive and kind of her so we're going together; I know you would be happy to know that. She loves you and misses you but she's a strong lady and she'll find her way in time... lots of time. Some of us may not even HAVE enough time to feel the pain ease but... we're all doing our best. I miss you so much Jeremy and I thank the heavens that you knew how much I loved you. That helps me some... Poozer is just beside herself with missing you Jer. She's so afraid of her future without you, without you to help her through things that only YOU could. I'm just too old to give her another sibling to help her, you know? (smiling here)Until next time Sonshine, go with love.

Your Mahiesxoxoxoxox

Nov 13 2007 8:15 AM

Your Doopid Mahies forgot to blow your candles out last night! They burned all night long, sheesh... good thing I didn't catch the house on fire, doopid doopid Mahies!

Nov 13 2007 1:09 AM

Hey Sonshine :* It seems that in the wee hours of the night when all the world is asleep is when I need to come here and leave you a note. I bought a Christmas angel bell ornament today with your name on it. It will get top billing on the hutch. (The chopped hutch, ha) I think I forgot to tell you that Vern and Michael worked for hours on the back window of my van. It's a memorial for you and will stay there until I either total the van, sell it or put it out to pasture... whichever. They did a beautiful job - it says RIP My Sonshine - Jeremy Haywood 9.22.81 - 11.04.07. It's hard to believe that when I talk about you, you have a date of death. I should *never* have knowns your date of death - I say again Sonshine, I should have gone first. Leave it to you to change the proper order of things babyboy! I miss you :*Mahiesxoxoxoox

Nov 12 2007 1:36 AM

Rats! I forgot to tell you - the Mortuary director stopped counting the people at your service when he reached 580 people! He estimated at LEAST 700... damn you were quite a man.

Nov 12 2007 1:35 AM

Hey Sonshine - candles lit all day for you today. Kaitlyn and Mat said they'll come by for hugs on Thanksgiving. That makes me very happy. I know I'll have to go back to work soon, maybe Wednesday. All my neighbors have been bringing over tons of food (just what Mahies needs, eh? ;)) You need to be here to help eat it! I'm missing you terribly. Your Poozers is getting a tatoo in your honor, how about that?! She also PROMISED me that she would never ever sky dive while I was still alive. She knows I couldn't take losing another child. I miss you terribly - our lunch was supposed to be on the 6th but instead that was the day I spent making your arrangements. Your Dad was pretty amazing, I must give him credit. It doesn't make up for ALL the wrongs but at least he had this one chance to do THIS right and he did. I love you Sonshine - wait for me and when I get there, please have a car cuz I ain't riding on your bike!

Nov 11 2007 2:21 AM

Hello Sonshine. PappyVern, Nicki, Mac, Grammy, Kinch and I went out to dinner tonight to celebrate your life. We took a beautiful picture of you with us and a candle. We honored your life with food and a couple of margarita's, toasted to you, talked about you and simply expressed our love for you. Michael has been here since Thursday and he's been such a tremendous force in helping us cope. Like you Son, I have such good friends, I am beyond fortunate. I don't know if your dear friends will stay in touch with me but they know that I love them and will be here for them if they ever need anything - just like I was for you and vice versa, MAJOR. I will go to Quizno's once a week in your honor. I love you, miss you and am simply devastated at the loss of my Sonshine.

Nov 9 2007 7:21 AM

I know it was you Sonshine and no one can tell me differently. Thank you. God I miss you and today is going to be so hard but I will hang in to take care of your baby sis... she's so lost without you. I love you JeremySon.

MahiesxoxoxoxoxxoNov 8 2007 4:00 PM

I told my favorite story about you today Sonshine. We actually laughed at the memory because it's so funny and precious. I have only cried 5 times today, that's pretty good I think. I love you Sonshine

Sonshine Current mood: depressed

Nov 7 2007 4:03 AM

Oh how I hurt for you Sonshine. I am having such a hard time knowing I will never get another Jeremy hug, or an "I love you Mahie" text message or a call just to say "I love you Mom." How can I bear not to see you every week for lunch at Quizno's? Everyone is writing wonderful things about you Jeremy. I am so SO so damn proud of you and I am so glad I told you that many times. You KNEW how I felt about you, you KNEW I loved you and what an amazing man you turned out to be. You are the son that everyone wants but *I* have. Oh how life will never be the same without you walking the Earth with me.Your Mahie, with love and pride, always. I miss you Sonshine, so very very very much. I don't know how to get through this. :............(

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Shattered Heart Current mood: lonely

Without my son, my life will never be the same.

I look to the heavens and thank the Universe for my beautiful daughter and amazing husband... without the two of them right now, I would be a crumbled and hopeless soul. I love you both so very much. Together, we will find a way to cope with the death of our Jeremy.