How to help your lonely child

When Sara Dante’s* nine-year-old daughter first began complaining about feeling ‘left out’ at school towards the end of last year, Dante admits she didn’t pay much attention at first.

“I thought she was exaggerating or taking the odd bad day and turning it into something else entirely,” she says.

It was only after Dante attended a ‘meet the teacher’ night at school a few weeks ago that she realised the reality – and the extent of her daughter’s loneliness.

“There were student-led initiatives posted all over the walls where the students had voted each other to do various tasks,” she explains. “But my daughter’s name wasn’t to be found anywhere on the board – not once.”

After frank conversations with her daughter, her daughter’s teacher, the school principal and various parents in the playground, Dante quickly booked her daughter in to see a child psychologist.

“I feel so guilty that I didn’t listen when she first starting talking about how sad she felt that no one wanted to play with her,” Dante says. “I don’t know if it would have changed the outcome, but at least she would have felt that someone was listening from the get-go.”

The truth about loneliness and kids

It’s difficult to get any firm figures on how many children are affected by long-term loneliness, but Dr Karen Martin, Assistant Professor in the School of Population Health, University of Western Australia, says it’s far more common than we realise.

“Kids are still in that stage of life where they haven't yet built up resilience and with adolescents in particular, there’s a lot of catastrophising about social situations that goes through their minds,” she explains.

“This isn’t to say primary school kids aren’t affected by loneliness, they just mightn't know how to express their feelings or even that they’re feeling lonely.”

For example, they may see other kids sharing a connection, then realise they don't have that with anyone. “That’s when they start to ask what's wrong with me?” adds Dr Martin.

Extended periods of loneliness can lead to significant mental health issues as they grow, so Dr Martin says parents must listen carefully to their children and be ready to act quickly.

“Early intervention can make a significant difference to mental health so it really becomes a case of why wait until your child is depressed to see a child psychologist when you can take them to one and help prevent your lonely child from becoming depressed,” she says.

Making a difference at school

While it’s important for parents to teach their children resilience, speaking with your child’s school can be useful.

“Often [the school] may not see what’s going on right in front of them, but if you alert them to it, they’ll be able to keep an eye out for your child and work with you to find some helpful strategies,” Dr Martin says.

Some schoolyard strategies that can help include the introduction of ‘friendship benches’ as well as bean bags and games during recess and lunch.

“A friendship bench is where anyone feeling lonely can sit, sending a signal to other kids in the playground that they could do with a friend,” Dr Martin explains.

Bean bags and the use of games are a way of normalising solitude. “It can be a small section or spread out throughout the school, but it's a great way of helping those who don’t want to participate in group activity, not feel left out.”

Booking your child in for lunchtime clubs and activities such as garden bees can help, as can the odd afternoon at after-school care.

Fortifying the home front

Watching your child go through something like this isn’t easy, but Dr Martin recommends coaching your child on various strategies to work on together.

“It could be teaching your child how to start a conversation and it could be talking about what their plan will be the next time they feel left out in the schoolyard,” she says. “Having a plan of attack is always helpful.”

If your child isn’t being invited to other children’s homes, move heaven and earth to invite kids to your home, and seek connections outside of your child’s school.

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“Physical proximity is important however, so look at art groups or dance classes close to your home and work together to identify whether there are any possible future friends in any of those groups.”

And finally, remember that while it’s important parents speak openly with their children about their feelings of loneliness, explain that everyone feels lonely sometimes.