BREAKING: Trudeau Formally Acknowledges Students Not Real People

OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau confirmed the second tier citizen status of post-secondary students in a press briefing this afternoon.

“It has come to my attention that some Canadians are unsure of my stance on student citizenship.” Trudeau said. “I would like to be transparent right now, and to clarify that students are not full citizens and should not be treated as such.”

When asked to clarify his stance on the matter, Trudeau responded, “Think of them like the Maritimes; you only need to consider their opinions when you need them to vote for you.”

“As we all know, it’s very important to means test before you help people,” said MP Anthony Rota. “If you didn’t check to make sure that people were already desperately struggling before trying to help them, you might have done a good thing for no reason!”

“Means testing ensures that we’re only helping people worthy of our help,” added MP Mark Gerretsen. “You wouldn’t want a full $2000 of your tax dollars being used to help those degenerate students.”

The smaller benefit size is disappointing, but unsurprising to many students nationwide. Some students, however, are taking a more optimistic approach to the benefit.

“To be honest I’m kinda shocked they gave students a benefit at all,” said Helen Smith, ArtSci ’21. “It’s almost enough to make up for the OSAP cuts and rent increase that I had this past year.”

Other students were more outspoken about the double standard inherent to the benefit.

“It’s just absolute bullshit.” said Kyle Griffin, Sci ’22. “They’re giving a larger benefit to my degen cousin who’s living with his parents, and his only living expenses before the pandemic hit were shitty weed and Ed Hardy t-shirts.”

In light of the formal recognition of students as second class citizens, Trudeau has proposed potential electoral reforms that would have students count for 5/8ths of a vote in the next federal election.

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