It's great how it is, but if you made it rhyme, it would be AWESOME!!!! It made me think of a metal being used to make something, and for some reason a rooster in the morning waking everybody up, the clock making loud noise at twelve 'o clock, along with the roar of a factory turning the metal and heating it up, to make a ship to fly on. WOW that was way longer than i thought i would make it!

It's great how it is, but if you made it rhyme, it would be AWESOME!!!!

I learnt some important lessons from my previous poetry: NEVER MAKE IT RHYME UNLESS YOU HAVE A DAMNED GOOD REASON TO.

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Fri Oct 12, 2007 10:36 am

The Obsidian Wolf

Pokemon Master

Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2006 12:03 amPosts: 1559Location: Dragon's Den

but teh peoms r spost 2 rime.

^lol

I think we should have a poetry thread. Perhaps if you changed the title, GQ, we could all submit our poetry in this thread, and people could rate it? And maybe it could get stickied?! Or am I just babbling, and none of this will get done or taken into consideration?

But yeah, I only ever rhyme if I need to.

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"Play with fire and expect to be burned."

Fri Oct 12, 2007 11:35 am

goldenquagsire

Art Commentator

Joined: Tue Apr 11, 2006 11:39 amPosts: 2467Location: London, UK

Naw, I don't know that many people here who poet (verb form of poetry?), 'sides, this is the Fan Writings forum so it doesn't need a sticky for fan writings.

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Fri Oct 12, 2007 1:59 pm

goldenquagsire

Art Commentator

Joined: Tue Apr 11, 2006 11:39 amPosts: 2467Location: London, UK

Ooh, another one. Wrote this while I was in Spain... I get the feeling it's not that great. But hey, I wouldn't improve if no-one told me what my faults were!

Symphony of War

Dawn skies, bathed in the morningstar’s glow;
Angels’ tears bless the new day.
They will soon be stained crimson,
And cleansed in hellfire.

High above the clouds, where neither bird nor wyrm flies
Two armadas ready themselves for zero hour.
A chorus of silent prayers,
But not every one will be fulfilled.

After the quiet comes the din:
“The enemy has been sighted!
Call to arms, man the guns!”
The overture to war.

Metal meets flesh and gives birth to flames.
Grapeshot, cannonfire and clashing sabres:
The percussion are in full swing,
Their performance is deafening.

The men stand fast; they will not fail.
They have rehearsed this day,
And they’ll not go down without a fight.
“For King and Country!”

As the flagship sinks to earth,
A crescendo rips the hull.
From its wounds pour the lifeblood of men.
Its death rattle pierces the very heart.

Come dusk, the battle is over.
For some, the curtain-fall.
For others, the encore.
The audience waits with bated breath.

Yup, more airship-obsession. Anyone who's played Final Fantasy XII will have a vague idea as to what the poem's about.

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Sun Oct 28, 2007 1:35 pm

The Obsidian Wolf

Pokemon Master

Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2006 12:03 amPosts: 1559Location: Dragon's Den

Wow, that's brilliant GQ. I love how you tied the themes of war together with musical ideas. It was once a homework I had to do for English, but I couldn't do it and ended up writing something completely different.

The first stanza's reference to 'Morningstar:' Is it an ingame thing of FF, or is it a genuine reference to the Devil?

I loved the ending too. Sort of leads on the suspense even after the poem has ended. Good job, *holds up a score card of 10*

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"Play with fire and expect to be burned."

Thu Nov 01, 2007 1:12 am

goldenquagsire

Art Commentator

Joined: Tue Apr 11, 2006 11:39 amPosts: 2467Location: London, UK

Thanks! When I was writing the poem, I don't think I really knew what a morningstar actually was; I intended it to be a poetic description of the Sun. I looked it up just now, and Venus is also called the Morning Star, so I guess it could be that as well. It's up to you what you want it to mean, but the Devil idea is quite interesting. Lucifer Morningstar... he's also one of the characters in the Sandman graphic novels. Great guy. :p

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Thu Nov 01, 2007 9:49 am

goldenquagsire

Art Commentator

Joined: Tue Apr 11, 2006 11:39 amPosts: 2467Location: London, UK

This is my entry for the school poetry competition under the themeof "America".

The Street SweeperI’m no cop,
No fireman nor soldier.
But I’m just like them,
I walk the beat.

With my humble broom,
My hat and my scarf
And my bright orange coat
I keep the peace of New York City.

I’ve seen men coming home,
From all corners of the world.
A smile on their face,
And a bagel in their hand.

I’ve been here many a year;
When we beat the Japs:
Parties in the street.
Dancing in the night.

Korea, ‘Nam, Iraq I and II:
No parties this time.
Just curses and stones.
“Baby-killers! Murderers!”

I was here when the Towers went up,
And when they fell down again.
In the dust and debris,
A new America was born.

You hear them all the time;
The politicos in Washington,
Talking about the “Threat to World Peace”
What does it matter to me?

I’m no cop,
No fireman nor soldier.
But I’m just like them,
I walk the beat.

With my humble broom,
My hat and my scarf
And my bright orange coat
I keep the peace of New York City.

This is my entry for the school poetry competition under the themeof "America".

You hear them all the time;
The politicos in Washington

How random to have an American themed poetry competition in the U.K.
What's a politico?

Anyway, if I'm honest, I didn't like your first poem because I didn't have a clue what it was about until I read it below the poem. But I like how descriptive you are in your poems and how meaningful you seem, especially about an Air Ship. I did enjoy your most recent poem, although that would have to be an old Street Sweeper, lol.

I love all three. The first was contained vivid description without ruining the rythem. The second was good in the way that it combined the chaos of war with the elegance of poetry. In that last one, I didn't realize he was a war veteran until you mentioned various wars. CharmedJoey, I'm pretty sure he isn't from the UK if the theme is America. Good luck in the competition!

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Sat Nov 03, 2007 6:46 pm

The Obsidian Wolf

Pokemon Master

Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2006 12:03 amPosts: 1559Location: Dragon's Den

Thunder_dude7 wrote:

I love all three. The first was contained vivid description without ruining the rythem. The second was good in the way that it combined the chaos of war with the elegance of poetry. In that last one, I didn't realize he was a war veteran until you mentioned various wars. CharmedJoey, I'm pretty sure he isn't from the UK if the theme is America. Good luck in the competition!

Uh, GQ is a Brit. Just because we don't live in America doesn't mean that we're too ignorant not to learn about it.

And I really liked your last poem, GQ. This stanza was just ZOMGish good:

Quote:

I was here when the Towers went up,
And when they fell down again.
In the dust and debris,
A new America was born.

Sort of conveys the importance of the man, and how that act has changed America. What I like about that though is the fact that it isn't too controversial, which I would have found difficult.

But classy, I liked it.

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"Play with fire and expect to be burned."

Sun Nov 04, 2007 12:02 am

The Obsidian Wolf

Pokemon Master

Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2006 12:03 amPosts: 1559Location: Dragon's Den

Thunder_dude7 wrote:

I love all three. The first was contained vivid description without ruining the rythem. The second was good in the way that it combined the chaos of war with the elegance of poetry. In that last one, I didn't realize he was a war veteran until you mentioned various wars. CharmedJoey, I'm pretty sure he isn't from the UK if the theme is America. Good luck in the competition!

Uh, GQ is a Brit. Just because we don't live in America doesn't mean that we're too ignorant not to learn about it.

And I really liked your last poem, GQ. This stanza was just ZOMGish good:

Quote:

I was here when the Towers went up,
And when they fell down again.
In the dust and debris,
A new America was born.

Sort of conveys the importance of the man, and how that act has changed America. What I like about that though is the fact that it isn't too controversial, which I would have found difficult.

But classy, I liked it.

_________________

"Play with fire and expect to be burned."

Sun Nov 04, 2007 12:03 am

goldenquagsire

Art Commentator

Joined: Tue Apr 11, 2006 11:39 amPosts: 2467Location: London, UK

Valentine wrote:

EXCUS ME BUT WHY DIDNT YOU TALK TO ME WHEN YOU WERE ON

WHEN WAS THAT? I SWEAR I WAS TALKING TO YOU THE LAST TIME I WAS ON.

CharmedJoey wrote:

How random to have an American themed poetry competition in the U.K.

Not really. It's a bit more inspired than something like "write a poem about your cat".

CharmedJoey wrote:

What's a politico?

Someone involved in politics - a politician, if you will.

CharmedJoey wrote:

Anyway, if I'm honest, I didn't like your first poem because I didn't have a clue what it was about until I read it below the poem.

Heh, I don't blame you. I'm not a huge fan of gasbag airships, so I was going for a completely different type that doesn't and can't exist in real life.

CharmedJoey wrote:

I did enjoy your most recent poem, although that would have to be an old Street Sweeper, lol.

Maybe I did overrexaggerate the age a bit... well, who says 70 year olds can't work?

Obs wrote:

Sort of conveys the importance of the man, and how that act has changed America. What I like about that though is the fact that it isn't too controversial, which I would have found difficult.

If I posted the alternative poem I wrote for the subject of "America", I would honestly get lynched.

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Last edited by goldenquagsire on Sun Nov 04, 2007 3:16 am, edited 1 time in total.

Sun Nov 04, 2007 12:41 am

The Obsidian Wolf

Pokemon Master

Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2006 12:03 amPosts: 1559Location: Dragon's Den

goldenquagsire wrote:

CharmedJoey wrote:

Sort of conveys the importance of the man, and how that act has changed America. What I like about that though is the fact that it isn't too controversial, which I would have found difficult.

If I posted the alternative poem I wrote for the subject of "America", I would honestly get lynched.

>:O <s>CharmedJoey</s> Obsidian!

Anyway, post it! It'd give us all a laugh, controversy or not.

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"Play with fire and expect to be burned."

Sun Nov 04, 2007 3:10 am

goldenquagsire

Art Commentator

Joined: Tue Apr 11, 2006 11:39 amPosts: 2467Location: London, UK

I checked my comp, and it ain't there. I wrote it on the laptop in Spain.

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