The Eclectic Blog

Translating Leviathanspeak

Yesterday at 3:45 in the morning, some juvenile-minded idiot on a bicycle placed a military surplus ammo box containing a small explosive device in front of the Armed Services Recruitment office at 43rd Street in Times Square. This exploded causing the glass door to the office to break. There was no other damage except to the door. No one was hurt, but the noise was loud enough to get people’s attention; one British tourist described it as “a loud bang.”

The response by the Government was predictably extreme. Immediately, officials closed Times Square to all traffic, vehicular and pedestrian. They also shut down all subway access to the Times Square Subway Station, a major hub station serving some 16 subway lines. This shutdown lasted some three hours, precisely the height of the morning rush hour, affecting hundreds of thousands of commuters.

The Government wasted no time to exploit this event, and explain their over-reaction. At 9:20 AM, Mayor Michael Bloomberg staged a demonstration of state power and competence. He had a press conference and brought out all the high brass: NYPD Commissioner Raymond Kelly and a phalanx of bureaucrats from the Governors office, the FBI, and Homeland Security – this last item for you Germans out there translates, roughly, into Geheime Staats Politzei.

Now, first let me disclaim strenuously the act of this moron. Even if he were motivated by an antiwar sentiment, with which I agree, his actions are unacceptable, and counterproductive to the cause of anti-violence. Using violence – even an innocuous home made device no more powerful than a cherry bomb or M-80 firecracker – endorses violence in order to make the political statement that the US Government is wrong to use military violence. This is a moral contradiction.

I denounce this as I denounce other stupid demonstrations such as: silly bumper stickers, retarded rhyming chants, and moronic placards. These techniques don’t educate, nor do they persuade people towards the protesters cause. Most likely they alienate potential converts. These methods are no substitution for rational argument.

However, given the poor state of learning and intellectual discourse in these United States, I understand the tendency to express oneself using mindless gimmicks. Therefore, in the spirit of the times, the Zeitgeist for you Germans, I offer my own little non-violent gimmick. I offer to translate Mayor Bloomberg’s press conference for the untutored. I offer to turn Leviathanspeak into ordinary English.

MAYOR BLOOMBERG: At approximately 3:45 this morning there was a small explosion outside the military recruiting station…here in Times Square, the Crossroads Of The World.

TRANSLATION:Some crank or college student – who opposes the US Government squandering trillions of dollars on war, causing anti-US hatred abroad and economic ruin within – used some black powder, or other commercially sold chemicals, or some fireworks to break the window of a high-profile military showcase installation in Times Sq.

NOTE: The use of the term “Crossroads Of The World” is gothamspeak for Times Square. This must be explained etymologically. Americans are a provincial people ignorant of the outside world. Its principal city is especially provincial; peopled by fauna who barely recognize the visible world outside their tiny archipelago save Hollywood, Connecticut, Washington DC or possibly Paris or London. Therefore they regard their largest city intersection as being the crossroads of the world, much like Easter Islanders regard themselves as being the Navel of the World.

MAYOR BLOOMBERG: The Fact that this appears deliberately directed at the recruiting station insults everyone of our brave men and women in uniform stationed around the world fighting to defend our freedoms that we hold so dear.

TRANSLATION:The men and women of our military have been euchred by their Government, and if they knew the truth they would be insulted. In order to prop up our post-1971 fiat dollar as a global reserve currency, and to further our massive debt-ridden false prosperity, we must enforce the sale of petroleum in US dollars. Therefore we must maintain, by force, US Global Hegemony, especially in the Persian Gulf and Caspian Sea regions. But this does not sound as good as defending our freedoms from terrorists. The fact that others in the world are justified in hating our projection of force, and hate our Government, might have a negative propaganda effect on the overworked young men and women of our armed forces in the over 800 military bases worldwide who bought into the Freedom & Liberty dogma and are starting to question it.

MAYOR BLOOMBERG: I want to direct this to those who are watching in this country and around the world. New York City is back and open for business!!! Traffic is flowing through Times Square…the subways and trains are running again!!!!!

TRANSLATION:To those who live in countries where real terrorist bombs explode, killing scores of people, we in New York have survived an M-80 attack and have fixed the glass door. We are not afraid. The subways, buses, and traffic that were never impacted by the minor blast are now running again, after a lengthy delay because the Government has decided that commerce may continue without obstruction.

MAYOR BLOOMBERG: Whoever the coward was that committed this disgraceful act on our city will be found and prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

TRANSLATION: We will use all our vast power to get this lousy stinking S.O.B for revealing the Mighty American State to be a paper tiger scared of lone guys on bicycles with small explosives. We don’t want the American people to guess that the State can’t protect them against real terrorists with real explosives.

MAYOR BLOOMBERG: We will not tolerate such attacks. Nor will we let them destroy our freedom to live safely in the greatest city in the world.

TRANSLATION:This is the greatest city in the world because we live here, and New Yorkers are better than other Americans. The fact that you think your country is better or your people freer, or that your city has cleaner streets, better transportation, more polite people is irrelevant. In order to keep our illusion of moral, intellectual, and economic superiority, we must have cops armed with stun guns and automatic weapons, we must have spot checks, we must search our citizens, with dogs if necessary. We do this because we believe in Liberty and Freedom.

March 8, 2008

A.D Lelong [send him mail] grew up in the NYC area. He started in radio in North Carolina as a reporter. In 1994 he moved back to New York City where he has been working as a producer and newsroom sound editor for a news-talk radio station. He currently lives in Queens and enjoys skeet and sporting clays shooting, bird hunting, and sailing.