heart is torn!!! what would you do?

Bookmark Discussion

kyleegarcia2711 wrote:

My husband and I have been married nearly 9 years. Started dating in high school. Met at church. Basically, the longer we have been together the more our relationship has gone down hill. I blamed myself a lot because I have health issues, PKU a rare genetic disorder which I have to eat an extremely low protein diet (no meat or veggie meat, cheese, dairy, eggs, nuts, grains etc) basically only fruits and veggies. if I eat too much protein it causes brain damage and makes life really difficult for me. while pregnant with our second child in 2014, I caught him with a terrible porn addiction that tore me apart. I'm a very conservative Christian and this was a total slap in the face as he was not attracted to me while pregnant. He says he got better but to this day I still see the signs that he's still doing it. That's not even the real issue though, last year right before I found out I was pregnant with the baby I lost, I found out he has been extremely addicted to marijuana for a long time and even when I had my suspicions and tried to call him out he never admitted it. I just happened to find the evidence in his work van so there was no denying it this time. Initially he was sorry and wanted help, but then for some reason changed his mind and actually wanted to divorce me over it. of course he never deals with anything so it was up to me to file and after talking to the lawyer I refused to do it. this was after he actually admitted himself that he is absolutely addicted to it and very dependent on it but apparently now he thinks it's perfectly fine to continue using it . I don't even know how much money is actually spent on it . there were so many things that finally made sense once I figured all this out. the emotional and psychological abuse that I had been dealing with for several years wasn't just me being too critical of him. expecting him to come home from work and do normal husband things wasn't asking too much. and wondering why he never wanted to do anything with me and the kids always wanted to send us away so he could be by himself or why he was so emotionally withdrawn and never had anything to say to me. why he never seem to have a very much interest in spiritual things or church. I'm conflicted because I'm willing to do what it takes to save our marriage but he is not willing to work on the addiction. even when he says he's going to cut back I don't know how much he is actually. or if it's just more of the many many lies. I don't really believe in divorce as the best answer but in a case where someone is being abusive and neglectful, and doesn't have the desire to change I feel like it may be the only way to have a positive change in my life. things are okay if he's high all the time but it's very superficial. and there always ends up being a blowout at some point. I also can't help but feel like I deserve to have a stable person in my life since I already have struggles that most people don't have to deal with. I understand that everyone has different beliefs and perspectives but I married my husband thinking that we were on the same page and now we are definitely not. I feel tricked has he even admitted that I would not have stayed with him if I knew that he was smoking like that. I grew up with a pothead for a mother who has done so many drugs and never been there for me that this is a super sensitive issue for me. I'm not sure if anyone can relate and I'm sorry this is so long I am just very torn because I love my husband dearly but I cannot live like this for the rest of my life I don't feel like it's healthy for me or my kids but I'm honestly afraid that if I leave I won't find anyone else who would want to be with me. and of course being pregnant right now doesn't help the situation at all. I want this baby with my whole heart but I also fear doing this alone with our three other children. my kids have been so negatively affected by him just walking out and leaving and not calling for a week at a time when he gets mad about something. but every time he's gone I end up being stupid enough to ask him to come back because I feel like I need his physical support even if he is emotionally abusive and neglectful at times. the one thing that he does do is get high and clean the house for me which is nice but that shouldn't be the trade-off for the way he manipulates and acts so irresponsible. I've also felt extreme guilt for thinking about what life would be like with another man, there's actually been a few men who I have honestly seriously wished that I could just get remarried to after we are divorced. I know that is do wrong. I am ashamed to admit that. I think I am just emotionally exhausted. And sick of playing games and pretending. thanks for your responses.

This sounds like a very difficult situation, espcecially during such a happy time.When someone has an addiction, if they quit it, often times they find another addiction. He switched from porn to marijuana. My husband was an alcoholic and we worked through it and now he is addicted to sweets and working out, which is obviously healthier and better for us all.If he wont attend counseling sessions with you, then attend a counseling session alone. You need to sort out your feelings. Invest in a Christian Counselor who will be on the same page as you when it comes to your beliefs. I have hope that your marriage can be repaired and that you will once again be happy.i would recomend reading Power of A Praying Wife. It was very meaningful and taught me that despite when my husband was struggling, I still had God and my husband, even though he was resistant at first, needed me.

I have read that book, thanks for the suggestions. I am glad you and your hubby worked things out. The porn and marijuana have always gone together. he has been doing both since before we were married, I just didn't know it.

I’m sorry for the stress. It sounds like you and your husband have very different lifestyles and perspectives; it’s frustrating he hid his from you before you married him. I wish you the best in your decision. If you do decide to divorce him, I do think you will eventually find someone more aligned with your belief system.

It sounds like deep down you know the answer but you’re just afraid of the “what if’s”. Making big changes can be really hard, but staying in an abusive empty marriage just because you’re not sure you could find someone else just seems silly. What advice would you give if it was your child in your situation? I think you need to get yourself into individual counseling & try to talk your husband into couples counseling as well. If he refuses to meet you half way & attempt to work on your marriage then you have a big decision to make. You can’t be the only person working on a relationship. You need to take into consideration the long term affect on your children as well. Children pick up on more than we realize, do you want them to grow up watching you struggle to fake happiness & carry the burden all by yourself? It makes them that much more likely to do the same in their own marriages because they think that’s normal or ok. Being a single mom can be scary - I’ve been there. But it is worth every bit of struggle & heartache to know my son sees me in a happy healthy marriage now, instead of growing up watching me struggle to make things work with his father, someone who had no interest in our marriage or making it work either. He at least has his step father to give him an example of how a real man treats his wife & children. Making that decision is really difficult but in some situations it’s the best decision you can make.

I absolutely hated my husband and his addiction when he was addicted. We had many arguments over it. His addiction made him lie, took him away from us for hours or days at a time. And it happened, and then I just left one day. I hired a divorce lawyer. I knew though, losing me would make him stop. Now, some men don’t really care about losing their spouses over their addiction, and I’ve seen that too. My husband stopped and he is seeing the positive affects of it in our lives, and he is seeing that he had lost so much time, money and honorable personality over matter addiction and now he is ashamed of it.

I don’t have an advice for you, as I don’t know what kind of a person you are dealing with. But you sound very unhappy with him... you have three options, change him, accept him or leave him. And you are the only one who can make this decision. My only advice is that life is too short to live in anger and disappointment all the time.

you made some spot on remarks. yes I can see how ugly this can all turn out. I already see how my children are suffering from daddy's behavior and mine. And when he is gone it seems so incredibly unfair that I have to be the one to take care of everything while he goes off to play video games and watch movies and eat junk with his friends. he has always been an excellent provider with work, but there is not much left for us at home usually.

Have you spoken to a counselor at your church? (Not necessarily to save your marriage but to see if divorcing is a biblical option in this case, and possibly discuss alternatives.) I imagine it would be helpful to have a counselor go over what options you have, while trying maintain a biblical foundation to your actions. Many times it can be helpful to discuss it with someone who is trained both in the Bible and counseling. It’s a difficult situation for sure.

that's exactly how I feel too, I just hate my husband. I don't know what to believe about anything. I don't even think he could have been faithful to me through all these years after all the lies he has told me.

I know I’m going to get backlash from this, but here is my perspective. Cannabis is not addictive like, say, heroin is addictive. You can have mental tendencies towards smoking it, but there are not physical addictive components such as withdrawal (sweating, chills, vomiting, etc). Cannabis also has many proven medical benefits from pain relief to seizure control to helping with actual addictions. Everyone on this planet has an endocannabanoid system within their body, receptors specifically designed to interact with only substances found in cannabis, such as thc, cbd, and others.

My fiancé uses cannabis on a daily basis and I would not have it any other way. It is the best and safest mood stabilizer he has ever found for his bipolar, far superior to prescription drugs. It also helps with chronic pain in his knees and his struggle with actual addiction to opioids (which he is now clean from).

This all said, you obviously have your own opinions on it, and that is totally fine. But it appears as though he will not change and you will not change. You are at a crossroad.

I say give him a chance and look up some of the great research studies coming out of California, Colorado, Oregon, Washington, and the like. If you truly are not going to budge on your stance, and he truly will not budge on his, you have your answer.

Good luck and I hope you find peace with whatever comes of this situation.

I have actually and each time has not been that helpful to be honest. based on what I read in the Bible, I know I can leave this marriage with a clean conscious knowing that I did everything I could to make it work and support my husband. I could write a book about all the neglectful things he has done...and the fact that he thinks that smoking weed is perfectly fine and has no real interest in God is a huge barrier to healing in our marriage. I read a little book called untying the knot and it helped me understand under what circumstances divorce is ok, my husband has not been faithful to me or God and he has little desire to change. when I ask him about his beliefs he doesn't know if he believes in God anymore and doesnt think church is important. he goes with us now because I guilt tripped him into coming back for the kids. but when we do family worship every night he falls asleep. he still prays but only with the kids, never any other time. the extreme ups and downs are so hard. And sometimes he gets violent and throws things, swears, and just acts like the biggest jerk in the world throwing a tantrum about nothing. he must be smoking more this week because he is suddenly happier and nicer...he got an extra check this week and never deposited the extra money into our account like he said he would. hmmm.

I was with a man who I thought had the same values as me but I found out he didn’t. And I tried to change him for years and he would pretend to change and the whole thing was stressful and damaging and went nowhere. Interestingly enough as a pp mentioned, it was the same relationship my parents had. I unknowingly copied it. It was hard to leave. I broke the cycle and now I’m married to someone amazing who is a true partner in life and it is so wonderful and I feel so whole. I trust him completely. It’s so hard but you only get one life and you deserve someone amazing! Wishing you all the best

I'm sorry you're going through this 1. I also have PKU and know how stressful that can be while pregnant. 2. Have you guys talked about marriage counseling? Some people aren't into it, but if you both want to try to work things out then it's a thought. But If you don't have any desire to be with him anymore, then it's ok to move on

my husband admitted to me that he was severely addicted to it. And just like sugar and caffeine it does cause dependency . I don't care what the research says, if someone needs a drug to be nice to their family and function like a normal human being it is a problem!!! and you don't marry someone who tells you up front that their mom is a worthless pothead who has never been there for them and you will have nothing to do with marijuana and then smoke it for years and lie to them. I would hope that even though you you are obviously ok with it and I am obviously not you could understand why this is not ok with me regardless. every time he tries to tell me it's not the weed I have told him to stop acting like a jerk when he's not high then only to have the same vicious cycle repeat over and over again. he's gets high, he's happy, fun, loving, helpful, thoughtful,....high wears off he comes down hard, and flips out! angry at anyone and everyone for nothing! mean to our kids, throws things, breaks things, has no concern for anyone but himself, tells me I am a bad wife and that's why he's angry, not because of the drugs. I don't care what anyone says, weed is a drug. anything you smoke damages the body. that's just common sense .

Hi, prayers to you my friend. I am also a conservative Christian and found out last year that my husband was hiding an addiction from me as well. Nothing illegal, but simply not healthy for our marriage or himself. Anyways I found out because he told me, and I cried and left the house for a few hours. I thought about what I wanted to do. Our son was 2 at the time. When I came back I told him that I love him but that he doesn’t belong to me. I hold him loosely. I told him if he wants to continue with his addiction I accept that but he will lose me and our son. I told him it would be hard to trust him after he lied to me for two years to cover his addiction. I asked him to start meeting with a pastor at our church. He agreed and did that for awhile but found he needs more help. He started seeing a therapist who specializes in his addiction and the issues that go with it. My husband is a good man who worked hard to change and rebuild trust.

I know this is hard to hear but it sounds like your husband is not a good man. You say that he can be nice to you but he is only as nice as his meanest day. That’s the truth. I am unkind to my husband too sometimes, but never unbearably so and I always apologize. It’s the same with my husband. You say you don’t want to lose your husband but here’s the truth: you’ve already lost him. He has chosen pornography and pot over you and your children and God. That’s the truth. You might be able to get him back, but stop trying to “keep” him. You don’t have him. I know in our Christian culture divorce is considered wrong but under abuse you should never feel like you have to stay. You can choose that, of course, but it’s not an obligation. Without technically divorcing you, he has left you. It wouldn’t be wrong for you to accept that and make it official. I’m not a pastor or anything but a huge advocate for living an emotionally healthy life. I think Jesus wants that for us too. Sending you love as you navigate this difficult situation.

unfortunately, it was easy for me. He has a son from a previous marriage. When he was gone for hours or days, he was expecting me to take care of his child. And when I left him, I told him, I didn’t marry him to be a nanny to his son while he was destroying himself and our lives. That I did not want to be with a weak man. That matter owned him, and that I was not going to live another day of my life with that matter. So I left. I would have NEVER gone back if he didn’t try so very hard to make every effort to give up the addiction.