How I Secretly Quit My Secret Habit of Secretly Drinking

Who Is UnPickled?

The first time I sat down at my computer and searched for information about addiction and recovery, I felt like the only person in the world to ever ask “how do I quit drinking?” Now I am reminded regularly that many people around the world do exactly that every day.

WordPress kindly provides a stats page to show the number of visits a blogger’s page receives, as well as the countries that viewers originate from, and some of the search terms that lead visitors to the page.

Please don’t panic – I have no way to see who you are or where you are live or what other pages you’ve looked at. Your privacy is not comprised. It is simply a snapshot of traffic on my blog – how many clicks on each blog post, and so on. There are hundreds of visits every day from origins around the globe totaling more than 100,000 and growing rapidly. If my little squeak of a blog reaches that many people, imagine the millions of seekers across all the other recovery blogs and websites out there. Ordinary folks just like you and me.

The most common search terms leading to UnPickled include “quit drinking”, “sober blogs for women”, and “sobriety blogs”. Many search “unpickled” and I’m guessing those are repeat visitors or possibly canning enthusiasts. Some searches give me a lump in my throat, such as “please god help me quit drinking” and “quit drinking and be a better mom”.

Every now and then the list of searches includes “who is the author of unpickled” and I hold my breath. Is someone onto me? If so, I pray it’s a kindred spirit like my clever friend in Busted and not one of my husband’s old girlfriends or someone I’ve had to fire at work.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the pros and cons of stepping out from the shadows and taking ownership of my identity as UnPickled.

PRO: Help break down the stigma of addiction by showing that I am a real, every day person.

CON: Once it’s out there I can’t take it back and there could be backlash.

PRO: Allow myself to feel proud of my strength in recovery and tell Mr. Shame to take a flying leap.

CON: I am still embarrassed that I was ever addicted.

PRO: Encourage others to open up and get help.

CON: Risk gossip in my community.

Okay now wait a minute – encourage and help others vs. risk gossip? Is there any question that helping others outweighs mild scandal by a long shot?

You see, it’s not a worry if the readers of UnPickled discover my identity as the author. I would love to share more of who I am with you, because even though I own a business you’ve never heard of and live in a city you likely couldn’t find on a map , I know we have a lot in common, you and me. We’ve shared our most private stories, and by doing so realized that all of us struggle and triumph in similar ways.

The hard part is knowing that if I reveal myself, the people of my community will eventually catch wind of this blog and come seeking juicy bits of water cooler chat.

“Or possibly they’d see that you are stronger than they ever knew. And more honest.”

To the readers of this blog who came looking for fellowship on their journey to recovery:

You will now see my picture on the About UnPickled page. I am scared shitless, but I believe you will see yourself in me. I am just one of many faces of recovery, and if you ever recognize me in an airport or maybe even in my own hometown I hope you’ll say hello, tell me how we’re connected, and give me a hug. We’re in this together.

To the readers of this blog who are here for pure interest because they know who I am:

Please tread lightly through these woods. Please read the hundreds and hundreds of comments from people around the world and respect that my story is their story. Resist the urge to be entertained and instead let yourself be moved. Something beautiful has been happening here. Maybe it’s time you knew.

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Published by UnPickled

I am learning to walk without the crutch of alcohol. As I begin I am 1 day sober. Gulp.
I drank in private and hope to quit just as privately. The purpose of this blog is to help make me accountable - just by following you will give me enormous support and encouragement.
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88 comments

I found this about two weeks ago. I drink still. I am working up the courage to stop. So many reasons too, but I still drink. Anyway, I am a 45 year old mom if 1. He and his dad, my sitter and mom, all make me want to improve yet they know nothing about my real struggle! Like you, I want to change before I hit “rock bottom”! So I am hoping that reading this and thinking more will help me. I am struggling now. I wZnt to be so much better!

Hi! I like your blog, I’m on day 8 myself (whoohoo! ) and I’m wondering if you can help me? All the blogs I find are from women, and as much as it’s good reading of like to find some I can relate to more as a man I’m his late 20s.

I do relate to your (and others) to a large degree, it’s actually surprising how similar feelings/thoughts are considering I’m from the opposite side of the world, younger, single, and male. I guess that addiction plays the same games with everyone.

I am a 45 year old single Mom of incredible 10 and 17 year old boys. I have always been full time employed and have for the past 20 or so years planned my every day excessive drinking around my work schedule. I relate in ways to all of the stories here. I am so tired of feeling ashamed, unaccomplished career-wise, hungover, exhausted, anxious, countless failed relationships, not being the best Mom I can be and so on. I too have had so many day 1 alcohol free and would love for this one to be my last. I make excuses every day and try to tell myself that I don’t have a problem and that I can do the moderate thing. I want to be around for my children’s children and fear that if I keep going in the direction I have been that I will end up killing myself. I don’t have any idea how to live sober but desperately want to do it….I cry about the struggle in my mind far too often. I am here for inspiration.

I hope you find inspiration here, as well as information, support, encouragement, hope, and anything you end to make this change. You are right – life will be so much better without booze, for you and your boys. Pleased through the resources I have linked at the side of the page and see if there is a pathway where you feel comfortable. The extra support might be just what you need.

Stevie,
Although my story is slightly different, I feel exactly the way you do. I hope you are on your path. I still need to start my own path. Thank you for sharing your story. It inspires me to be a better mother to my son.

Thank you for being such an inspiring, brave, compassionate advocate for sobriety. I think your decision to add your photo to this blog was amazing – I would have had exactly the same inner-argument with myself, had I been in the same position. All I can say is that your blog highlights what a beautiful soul you have – and your face is just as lovely. I am 100 days alcohol-free tomorrow – reading blogs like yours helps every single day, so from the bottom of my heart, Thank You, Jean x

Jean, I have read your entire blog and wish I could be sober like you. I can’t remember the last time I did not have too many glasses of white wine. I am so tired of this roller coaster.
Grandmother in GA

Hi Gma, I will become a grandma this summer and I’m very grateful to be sober for this important new role. Consider joining me. It’s a difficult transition but worth every bit of effort. You don’t have to do it alone. There are lots of ways to find support and the recovery community if full of people like you and me. I encourage you to give yourself and your family this beautiful gift. Honestly, you won’t regret it!

I too have become a grandmother. It is soooo good. My daughter loves having my full love and attention and my granddaughter will only know a “sober” grandma. I was always frightened about it when I drank thinking that I couldn’t be relied upon to get in the car any time day or night. I am so pleased that my sober timeline has coincided with grandmotherhood!

Maz, Good for you! Woo hoo! We have to keep plugging along enjoying that we are sober and not going to wake up with the dreaded feeling of a nasty hangover. I’m sure your teen enjoyed time spent with you that YOU will always remember.

I am an educated woman yet fuck up spectacularly when i binge drink i am full of self loathing shame and guilt after disappointing my kids all teenagers again by drinking after saying i wouldnt again and falling out with friends but youve inspired me thank u x

Maz, you are singing my song, girlfriend! Binge drinking is harder for me to wrap my head around because I don’t want to drink every day. I don’t fight with my brain about booze until that first sip and then it’s all down hill. Know that you are not alone.

Thanku its so nice to hear i am not alone last night i had a binge and felt shit all day today which is the usual story for me except i know that i need to stop the craziness or i will lose everything and everyone including the little self respect i have i know im not a bad person or the shit mother i feel like today but i do let myself down by being a druken mess and i worry about what my kids think of me i just dont wantanother sleepless nite worrying about what ive said who ive text and who ive upset which all seems to go hand amd hand with my binges

Trust me, you’re not alonFUCK ite. Day 9 here (again). I got tired of fighting the anxiety, guilt and despair every time I drank. Tired of trying to hide my secret from everyone, including my teenaged daughters.

I love the analogy of a ” fuck it button”. I’m not letting anyone it anything else push mine either!

Good day today but feeling anxious this eve as being off tomorrow id normally have a drink decided to have a dvd nite with hubby and my youngster daughter who is 14 instead didnt realise how much i thought about having a drink on the nights that i know im off the following day its a bit of an eye opener but im still on the train to sane town amd anxiety or not im not getting off even if it means growing roots out my arse to stay put lol xx

Stay strong.my friend u can do this you re worth much more than what the bottle has to offer so dont hit the fuck ut button to your own detriment instead hit the fuck off i neither need or want you button to the bottle and celebrate the concert in the knowledge that u will wake up sunday not having to say sorry for a thing you can do this keep in touch and stay strong youre not alone im on the train too xx

Day 4 and feeling better i have a family party at the wknd but ive volunteered to b the taxi so i dont have to battle with the temptation of that 1 fatal drink that turns into a bottle or two u guys all keep me going im so happy ive found this site xx

Me too unpickled is becoming a life line to me its gives all us guys boarding the sane train the support and knowledge that the destination ahead is much brighter than the blurrred streets of the past x take care and sure youre new shoes will feel just fine and dandy before u now it xx

Hello, Cass and welcome to UnPickled. You are already on your way, my friend. Here you are reading blogs, learning, searching for answers and you even found the courage to reach out and speak your truth. You are gearing up for the changes you know you need to make.

You will never regret leaving alcohol behind. You might miss it at times but you won’t regret it and you’ll know that you are being the best mom, best person you can be when you free yourself from this pattern.

What appeals most to you: surrounding yourself in a group for support, online meetings, or self managed recovery? Pick one and make a plan for today, just focus on getting through this one day. Be open to changing your method if the path you choose isn’t a good fit for you. Xo, UnP

[…] and not), who have recently come out from behind their anonymous avatars. In fact, I even said to one I admire greatly, (UnPickled), that I would do something similar. So when my friend, Victoria […]

Its is a great story,I have a problem with drinking,I don’t think I am an addict,I just know that when I drink I become a different person. I am looking to stop drinking completely. I don’t want to hurt or embarrass family anymore everytime I take a drink. Thank you for this great post. This helps me in my journey not to drink
thank you Jean.

I’m honoured to be with you as you begin this journey. Don’t worry about whether or not you are an alcoholic. Just know that you seek total freedom from alcohol and stay focused on your goal. Change is hard but let me tell you, life without booze is great. You will not regret leaving it behind. Xo, UnP

WOW! I haven’t been here for a while but heard thru someone else (yes, a lot of people read you….) that you had “come out”. All I can say is that is awesome. I always feel a special kinship with you, since we have the same sobriety date…..
I will still show as Mished up…but I am Michele and I am proud to now you

I am so impressed by you! Thank you for taking chances and “exposing” yourself. I see myself in your words, in the desire for privacy and the fear of exposure. Your words help de-stigmatize the whole incredibly personal and private journey for me. Thank you so much! Hope you post again soon. Look forward to reading more!

Hi desperatelyseekingsober, I have been a blogger on this site for over nine months and I am as sober as a judge now. I was exactly like you but I had to hit bottom before doing what I did and giving up alcohol. I was a master of deceit and while no one knew I had empty bottles hiding all over the house, it was facing up to my husband, and admitting that I had become an alcoholic which was the best cure for my problem. I spent last weekend cleaning out the china cabinet which was the cupboard I would sneak my fourth and fifth daily glass from. Nine months sober, confronting my past demons as I scrubbed off the shameful circles that the bottles left. There were two or three empties that I had missed and I proudly threw them in the bin.
I am so much better and at peace now. I have a new way of living and that is to work with who I am. Not with who the bottle turned me into. I see so many young professional women drinking to excess. I worry about their commitment to future motherhood. I had my family grown up and left the nest before my drinking became a problem. I am pleased to say it didn’t affect them however it did impact on my relationship with my husband. I am soon to become a grandmother and I want to be a loving caring sensible grandmother. If last January I hadn’t read this blog and hadn’t improved my ways I would be in a terrible state wondering how I would ever get ready for impending grandmotherhood. Now it is a piece of cake! A walk in the park. We are all here for you to cheer you on. Stay strong and have a focus.

Thank you so much, Coming Clean. I appreciate your kind and supportive words more than you will ever know. I am so glad I found this site to help me with my journey towards sobriety and a better, brighter future. Today is yet another “day one” for me. I feel more optimistic about it than I have in a long time due to stories like yours, Unpickled’s and many others I have been reading about. I am taking this day one moment at a time, carrying with me the knowledge that there are those out there who have been where I am and succeeded. Thanks!

This is my first post. I’ve been reading your blog for about a week now, appreciating so much its supportiveness, humor and amazing similarity to what I am going through. Thank you unpickled for your honesty. Every day seems to be my Day One lately. I have had so many Day Ones that it is ridiculous. I have realized for a long time that I have a drinking problem. It is not apparent to anyone but me. I am not going around slurring or falling down. I am perfectly functional. The problem is, I cannot seem to go ONE night without drinking. Even when there is a very good reason.

When did one glass of wine quit being enough, when did two glasses quit being enough? I can still remember a time when i would have one or two glasses of wine and that would be MORE than enough. What happened?! I could pinpoint particular stressors that I was going through when I started drinking more, but they are over now and I continue to have wine as a daily part of my evening. Even when I say, “I am not going to drink tonight!” It is to prove, at this point, to myself that I can do it. The problem is, I CAN’T! I have tried over and over again. Now I have been diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis… I MUST stop drinking due to the medication my Dr. has put me on. Drinking very much is a BIG no no. I always thought if I had a really good “reason,” I could easily do it. Well shit, it’s been three weeks since my diagnosis and beginning the medication and I can’t seem to go even one night without my 4-5 glasses of wine. Help! ONE night…I feel like such a loser! How did it get this way?! Today was going to be my Day One…again. I was so ready after reading a bunch of your posts. Then, around 4, I just thought, “No, I need to drink tonight.” It came into my head so quickly and I was unable to think myself out of my decision. Damn! Thanks so much for listening, this is my first time posting, please, anyone out there, a quick prayer for my sobriety would be great. Thanks for listening. It helps.

Oh dear friend! My heart goes out to you because I have been EXACTLY where you are. So have countless others before an after us – and I hope that comes as good news because much as you feel alone and misunderstood in so many ways, you are on a commonly tread path and YOU CAN FIX THIS. You can join a 12 step, you can hire a behavioral therapist, you can check out Self-managed recovery like SMART or Life Ring, or you can spend some more time puzzling together your own custom solution. There are many pathways to recovery and surely one will be just the right thing for you.

Today you reached out. Today you hit POST on your comment. Today you have that extra ounce if courage and self-love. What’s next?? Xoxo, UnP

Thanks so much for answering, it helps so much to know I am not alone. One thing I have been dealing with today, as well as other times in the past, is I am having an internal fight as to whether I really need to quit drinking. Certainly when I wake in the middle of the night worried or get up early in the morning not feeling so energetic, I am sure that I do. But very often there is this little rebellious voice in my head that says, ” you don’t have a problem, you just need to cut down, you don’t need to quit, you’re fine!” and the problem is, there are a lot of people who would agree with that little voice. My question, Unpickled, and anyone out there reading this, is did you also have a little voice telling you that “you’re really not that bad, etc…”? How does one fight that little voice? How did you overcome those thoughts of “you’re not that bad” without first hitting rock bottom? How do I keep from rationalizing myself out of quitting? Thanks so much for all the support…

Great question and a very common issue. I did the same dance – trying to quit day after day, only to decide at 4pm that “today is not the day to quit” and pour a glass of wine (or 5). No one else thought my drinking was not a problem because I was doing amazing things by day. But none of them knew I tried every day to quit and failed. Honestly, that kept me drinking a long long time after I knew in my heart that it was time to stop. And my addiction just lapped that up – the brain is hooked and wants its fix even when the heart has decided otherwise. Here’s the deal though, people who aren’t addicted don’t have any problem at all giving up booze. So if you think you’re not addicted, stop drinking. If you can’t just stop, it’s a problem. Some people say that you have to hit rock bottom but I am proof that it isn’t necessary. Addiction is progressive, so if you put off quitting you will likely see your obsession grow, your intake grow, and eventually it will be obvious to everyone around you that you are suffering. That’s an option – but I don’t think you sound like someone who needs to go there. Why wait?

And of course you are right. And of course I KNOW that you are right. Just the fact that I can’t stop means I need to stop. Sometimes we humans have to hear the same thing over and over again to get it to really sink in. I will re-read your above answer daily (hourly perhaps?! LOL) to keep reminding myself that I don’t need to wake up in a gutter or on my floor in vomit to know what I know to be true…I do not have control over this. Thanks so much for saying what I know to be true. I will ignore that little devil voice that tries constantly to convince me otherwise. Love this quote…”Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.'” -Mary Anne Radmacher Here’s to tomorrow. May it truly be DAY ONE for those of us who need it to be. XXOO

Atta girl. I’m crawling into bed now and I’ll whisper a prayer for you and everyone else out there bravely beginning the next wonderful adventure. Great things lie ahead. I promise. You’ll never regret being a stronger, better you. Xo

Jean, this is incredibly brave of you. I am an attorney and also have somewhat of a “public” face, and my fears of being “discovered” only feed into my difficulties with becoming comfortable with my own problem. It’s a huge statement, and it gives me strength. Thanks!

Hey Jean! Now we have a beautiful face to go with that beautiful voice. Hooray! I’ll be hitting my 1 year in just a few weeks and your kindness and honesty and humor really helped me when I was spiraling down that awful rabbit hole…knowing I had to stop but not knowing how I could possibly live life without booze. You bravely shared your story and it helped me. It helped me take those first scary steps, the ones I knew I HAD to take but had no idea how I would ever survive them. You showed it could be done. I thank you for putting it all out there. Rock on!

Just found your blog and am so glad I did. Also happy to see you taking the risk of putting yourself out there. I have done the same through my blog and have found it so important in my recovery and continued sobriety. Keep writing!

Thank you everyone for the beautiful messages of support regarding “Who Is UnPickled?” Let’s all shine our light and let people know that taking care of ourselves requires no apologies. Let’s be brave together and speak our truth where and when the right moments arise, so that our children (who by the way have our crappy genetic disposition for addiction) can live in a world that celebrates triumphs over ALL kinds of adversity. Much love and gratitude to you all. xo, UnPickled

Jean-you are amazing and beautiful. It’s been almost 3 weeks since my very last drink. It was your blog that has inspired me. I have some family functions coming up and there will be alcohol. I have wondering thoughts on having my excuses lined up for not drinking at these events to it’ll just be one night of drinking. I’m so scared. It’s like a constant mind battle. Tonight, reading “who is unpickled” gave me courage to stick with using an excuse. I realize drinking for one night is dangerous for me as it will set me up for going back to my old ways. I need to be sober, I have to be sober and I want to be sober. Thank you for helping me! I will continue seeking support and can not wait to feel more confident about being sober.

Thankyou Jean. I am forever grateful to you for giving me my life back. I am now eight months sober. I have found within me an enormous ability to conquer challenges and to bring about solutions with clarity of thought and enormous energy. I am going to become a grandmother soon and I look forward to being there for my grandchild. As a drinker it would have been so difficult as I am sure that the temptation to sneak a drink while babysitting would have been too powerful. I can now enjoy taking care of the baby and my family without any secret shame.

Your last paragraph had me in tears…both times I read it. Please tread lightly…something beautiful is happening here. So touching and so very true. This is amazing and you are an integral part of it. You and all of the other amazing sober bloggers inspire me to stay sober (59 days) every day. I would have never made it this far without all of you! Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I did the same and stepped out of the shadows recently. I also have a blog on stopping-drinking.com and did the pros and cons. It was a liberating feeling revealing my name and no longer writing under a pseudonym. For those who may gossip about you, tell them how much you’ve helped people and you’ve a blog that inspires others. A book I bought from the author Susan Jeffers, Feel the fear and do it anyway, also inspired me to reveal myself. Good luck Jean and don’t let others put you down.
James

Nice to meet you Jean!! And by the way – you are beautiful (inside and out) – I love your blue eyes and how happy you look! I can totally relate to your hesitation to share, but so happy you did because the good outweighs the bad as you so eloquently pointed out. I put a lot of info on mine and have not yet come out to be open to all about my blogs here, but to some I have.

This is an incredibly powerful post!! Thank you so much for sharing as you are the one who drew me into the sober blog world first.

I agree 100% what Julie said, I couldn’t have gotten this far without your blog or Belle’s voice in my head. Thanks, and thanks for remembering me on twitter, it’s nice to have someone check on me. I’m still really awkward and uncomfortable trying to tweet!
Sharon

Dear Unpickled – I love you since I met you 67 days ago. You will always be Unpickled in my heart. You are my muse. I can honestly say that your words are an integral part of my “moment of clarity” which happened on Friday 7-6-13 while reading your entire blog (the whole thing literally, took my 3 hours) and drinking what turned out to be my last bottle of red wine. I cried, cried and cried. Drank, drank and drank. I can never ever give you back what you’ve done for me, my marriage and my children. I love you from the bottom of my heart and I am grateful for you. Thank you, Julie xx

Thank you for sharing this, Julie. It is amazing to find out what happens after I hit “post” – it’s one thing to publish something online and have readers, and another thing to be able to dialogue with folks about how our experiences overlap. I am overjoyed to be part of YOUR story.

Thank you for your courage. I hope to reveal myself as well when I feel more rooted in my new sober life. Your blog inspired me to blog to be accountable just days after quitting drinking. Writing has really eased any discomfort in this process. Please remember that a healthy human has compassion and will be inspired by your journey and feel compassion for any suffering you have endured. If you are met with anything other than support, especially from those in your community, then it is just a reflection of insecurity, lack of self love on their part, or fear of their own vulnerabilities. All you can do is hope they find a way to connect to their highest self and realize it has nothing to do with you. Sending love and light to you Jean

Wow! Kudos to you. That’s a brave thing to do. Like several people here have said, your blog was the first place I found someone telling a real story about quitting that I could take in, and it helped me tremendously. Many (overdue) thanks to you for this. And it’s good to see the face behind the words. Plus it’s a beautiful picture!

Yours was one of the first blogs I found when I was contemplating getting sober–I actually googled the term ‘unpickled,’ oddly enough! I’m now on my 81st day and I couldn’t have done it without people like you. Thank you for that, and for putting a name and a lovely face to this thing that no one should have to be ashamed of.

You are beautiful Jean – inside and out! Yours was the first blog I found and I am now 93 days sober. One more week to the big 100 (Belle’s 100 day challenge). Thank you for your honesty and compassion!

Awesome, Jean. This was the first (and only) place I ever posted my story and it was a huge help to do so. I think this is a really smart and logical next step for you. I only discovered this blog in early August but I bet I’ve read almost all of the posts and I can tell this is a very organic evolution. You have come so far and are an inspiration to someone on day 32!

wow Jean. that is just so unbelievably wonderful. I came across your blog about a year ago- and you were my first genuine connection to someone I could relate to with a drinking problem. I related so much to you, your spirit, your drinking stories and your sobriety journey. I had been trying to find that in the rooms of AA and I just couldn’t. I have been sober since November 2012 and I am very active in the online community BFB. I got there after reaching out to Crying out Now and Ellie just took me in her internet arms!! (she loves your blog too!) Thank you ever so much. I saw myself in you and I was able to get sober. I have since been meeting other wonderful sober women and I am meeting some BFB friends at the screening of Anonymous next week in NYC. I have yet to come out in my small community where I tutor children with dyslexia and teach yoga… but I want to!! All the best to you and thank you ever so much!!

Thank you, Jean! I’m 60 days sober today, and starting to tell some of the people that I’m closest to that I am an alcoholic and that I’m in recovery. Seeing your beautiful photo reminds me to be proud – not ashamed – to be tackling this disease. Thank you thank you thank you!

Wow, that’s huge. I can’t say I’d do the same thing. One thing though I have learned over the years, and I mean this in a kind way, I mean if you could see me you’d laugh — no one cares. We aren’t as important as we think we are. That said, I totally get it, and think what you did takes serious guts. Bravo!