Married at 25: Freak of Nature or Fabulous Rarity

Am I a freak of nature because I’m married at 25? Or am I a rarity that should actually be more common in today’s society?

I had an epiphany last night. I’m the “married friend.” All of my friends (and associates for that matter) are single. I think the reason it’s so baffling is because all of these ladies are fantastic. They’re educated, attractive and lively young women. I know of 2 or 3 of them who want to get married and the same amount of them are in serious relationships. So why haven’t they taken the next step. All of the hubby’s closest friends (3 of them) are all married and another one of them will be walking down the aisle next month.

Why is marriage at 25 such a rare commodity?

My mom has always been a very blunt woman. At 22, I remember the very distinct advice she gave me: “If a man, dates you for 2 years and hasn’t put a ring on your finger, then it’s time to move on. He’s not serious about you. No matter what he said.” Naturally, I agree because she’s right. I’ve heard the arguments: “My standards are too high…He says we’ll get married next year…There’s no good men out there…” Does that make me a freak of nature because I did find a good man? Or did I hit some kind of “good guy” lottery that only few women have won?

I just can’t give myself that much credit.

I mean I didn’t do anything different. I didn’t cast a “marry me” spell. My mindset has always been that I will find someone who will want to be married and when the opportunity came to say what I wanted I put it all out there on the table. Marriage is not a game. So when the time came to say what I want, I didn’t play those “Oh, he should know…” games. I let it be known. So, maybe honesty is the only “spell” I used, but I hear women say they want to get married all the time.

Maybe I’m assuming every woman wants what I want. Maybe they don’t want to be married. Maybe the thought of being secure with someone for the rest of their life is alarming. Maybe the single life is really that great and fun! I don’t want to believe that either. I have yet to meet anyone who wants to be alone. It’s just not natural.

So what is it? I mean this without sarcasm and boasting. Why are so many young, dynamic women single? I mean it’s to the point where the blind are leading the blind. I just don’t understand why one single person would give another single advice on relationships – especially marriage. And why is it that because I’m married that I stick out like a sore thumb? Seriously. People are shocked in these times, at my age that I’m married. That shouldn’t be the case. I wish that we would all – men and women – have a more enlightening take on the situation.

But these are questions that need to be answered. Why are you single? Why hasn’t he put a ring on my finger? Does he even know how I feel about marriage? Are my standards unrealistic?

From what I’ve learned, seen & heard, these certain social statuses don’t make you marry-able:

*You’re pretty
*You’re “independent”
*You’ve got a degree and a good job
*You’ve got a child or children together
*You’ve been together for a while (years)

If that were the case, about 90% of women would be married. But as they say, to get everything you want is “99% Attitude, 1% Skill.” So maybe you don’t have to have certain “skills” or statuses to get married. Maybe if the attitude towards marriage was a positive one in general and during the “courtship” stage, it would be a more common thing.

Look, marriage isn’t everything, but it is A LOT. And contrary to belief, as you get older (ladies), it’s much harder to come by. So with all this being known, why am I – married at 25 – such a rarity?

17 Responses to Married at 25: Freak of Nature or Fabulous Rarity

You know I as myself the same question, what about being 21, or 22 or 23….for me I am 21 years of age and i have been dating my boyfriends for 6 years now, I am still in school and I Know that I am ready for marriage, but I tell myself you know you’re still in school and you need to finish and at least get a degree first, which I believe fully I am almost done. I believe that is the only thing holding me back from getting married. Its not that I am soo hot to be married but we have been dating 1st long distance for 6 years, we know each other very very well ( we know the next words to each other sentence), I havea lil experience of knowing what it would be to like to live with him, and we are both educated and have our future planned out.. so it it rare for me still in college, only 21 so want to be married, being that I have been with this wonderful man of God for 6 years???

MEG
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Marriage is a beautiful thing and shouldn’t be put in a box. There’s a lot of responsibility and work that comes a long with saying “I Do.” When you have 10+ years of experience as a wife under your belt, than I would love to read your take on marriage.

I think that women and men, especially in Atlanta, are so into clubbing and appearances that they don’t make time to even consider settling down. As soon as you figure out that the grass isn’t greener on the other side, the better you will be. Instead of investing precious time into trying to figure some “dude” out or trying to change him, invest that time into yourself and figure out who you are….focus on your career and make yourself a better person. I wouldn’t recommend anyone to just jump into a marriage. It is DAILY hard work and takes a lot of compromise. Make sure that the person you are considering spending your time with is someone that will add value to your life and that you can do the same. I’m 29 and have been married twice (currently with my 2nd husband). Just because it doesn’t work the first time doesn’t mean it won’t work at all.

I think for your situation it’s a little of both. I think you are a rarity in the sense of at a young age, you knew yourself well enough to know what you wanted. Many women don’t find themselves or have a clue as to what they want in their lives or what they want in a man until they are much older, although they claim they do. Some women decide to find it out through trial and error and get it right while others choose to wait it out until the “fairytale knight in shining armor” rides up on his noble steed. I also think it is a rarity that you found a man who was 100% ready for marriage and 0% bs. You are a freak of nature because you are proving to the world that you can have your cake and eat it too. You CAN have a successful career AND a loving husband. You CAN do what YOU want AND still be committed to your man. You CAN find the person of your dreams if you are honest with yourself and honest with him.

Every one has a story so its unfair to think that everyone’s story can or will be yours.

But what I will say is that you are someone that women in our age group should look up to.

I believe young black women hinder themselves by thinking you can’t get married young and you can’t be successful

Terrific work! This is the type of information that should be shared around the web. Shame on the search engines for not positioning this post higher!

Also Married at 25 (Male)
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Mattie,

I stumbled upon this article and decided to comment from my point of view. As a male who is also the only one of his friend that is married there are few reasons that we are the anomaly in society now:

1. College. Most of my peers are not actually starting their real lives until they are 22-23 and graduating college. As a result they aren’t ready to get marriage yet. Our materialistic society has placed the premium on getting a good job, a nice car, and THEN a lady to share it all with. Our parents were coming right out of high school entering the workforce, therefore they had a headstart on where we are today. Men feel they have to work first to get what THEY want before they are ready to settle down with a woman.

2. Scarcity of “good” men/the Denzel complex. Television and movies have led women to want a man who is college educated, handsome, intelligent, suave, not too sensitive, yet not too rough. Honestly, these men are far and few in between. In the black community, a significant amount of the men have criminal records and/or kids, aren’t college educated, and struggle to keep low end jobs. The “good” men know this just as much as you women do. As a result, they know they can basically have any woman they want. So, in their eyes, why settle down. They can have 3 or 4 women and many more just lining up for the chance, so why limit themselves to just one? The math doesn’t add up. It seems immature, but its real.

3. Lack of societal expectations. Some people just don’t want to be married yet. They look at marriage as a settling down period. As a 25 year old today, we want to “live life.” People think you just can’t live once you get married. You are no longer free to come and go as you please. I feel these thoughts aren’t gender specific. A lot of people place the blame on men, but i know of several women who feel the same way.

As you and I know, you can still have fun while married and it isn’t the end of the party life. I married because I was tired of that scene, I found the one person I wanted to be with for the rest of my life and knew it immediately. So yes, marriage at 25 does make you a “freak of nature” but it is still “fabulous in reality.”

I know this article created a bit of a ruckus..however I am 25 and single and not offended by this article….

Everyone has an opinion this is just Mattie’s opinion

I know what I want in a mate, I know what I expect from marriage, and I walk in to relationships with those things clearly on the table. However I have yet to find a man that was on the same page as I and I will not settle for less than I expect to be treated. However I don’t expect to walk into a relationship and be instantly ready for marriage because dating is about learning and growing and reaching that level together and everyone reaches that level at a different pace.

My brother met his current wife and told me 3 days after meeting her that she was going to be his wife and they married shortly there after. However my Uncle met and dated his wife for 10 years (college, grad school, and post grad school) before they got married and he absolutely adores and loves her but knew he was not ready for the commitment of marriage previous to them dating for 10 years.

By contrast to these two examples, it is when you realize that you two will never reach that level that you should re-evaluate the situation and that re-evaluation is completely different when there are children involved, major life occurrences involved so in my opinion a 2year time limit is a bit blanket because everyone’s interactions are different. But when you find yourself in the same space not moving it is time to be honest with yourself and your mate about the future of your relationship.

Finally, from what i understand marriage is not easy. So just because it may seem like someone has this great life because they are married isn’t always that case.And just because some got married at an early age doesn’t mean they stupidly jumped into something and will be divorced by 30. But also just because I’m single doesn’t automatically mean that i’m unhappy and dying to get married either. Things come in their due time and everyone’s plan is different so you can’t judge everyone’s experience based on your personal life because the only person walking in their shoes is them.

Sincerely, Serious :)

beautifulbuckeye
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I agree with you Shay, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Here is mine:

Personally, I’ve never considered you or any of my other friends/associates who married at a younger age a “freak of nature” – at most I’ve been nothing but supportive of your decision to begin your family, so I find it disheartening to read a post with such blanketed and unwarranted statements about single females.

Your observation on levels of commitment based on a specific time frame fit may fit certain situations, but personally, I think it’s naive to believe that relationships have a two year expiration date on them. You’re forgetting something very important – relationships vary, just like people.

You should consider yourself blessed that you found the right man for yourself, but continue to be humble and acknowledge that there are issues within our community that can’t be solved by “attitude.” When national news programs report on the alarming trend of unwed successful black women today, it becomes less about, “the thought of being secured with someone for the rest of their life is alarming” or “the single life is really that great and fun!” There are much deeper issues.

Ladies, don’t lower standards or feel like you need to compromise to become a, “fabulous rarity.” Be true to yourself and most importantly continue to support those around you who support you and give you sound advice – single or married. Don’t judge their situations to substantiate your personal decisions. I would never consider advice from my friends, “the blind leading the blind.” I feel as if everyone has a valid opinion and it’s up to me to decide if their words of advice are best for my situation. Keep in mind no more than two years ago Mattie, you were also, “the blind” and I’m sure your single friends provided you with good advice.

Meg you said it best, “When you have 10+ years of experience as a wife under your belt, than I would love to read your take on marriage.”

Lastly, may I suggest you consider your friends’ feelings when using them and their relationships as the bases of your blogs; some topics are best discussed amongst friends, especially those dealing with personal matters of the heart.

Man I don’t know about this post. This is my first time reading it after having read all the tweets about it. Had I read this first and none of the tweets, especially the one to the tune of “I don’t judge you for being single, don’t judge me for being married,” I don’t think I would have had an issue with it. I know you’re married and it doesn’t make you stick out to me. It’s not a goal I’m envious of, although this page makes me think envy is the response I’m supposed to experience. Life falls in different ways for different people. This post makes it seem like people sincerely put you down for being married, and then you took to this page to retaliate.

This graph started my issue:
“Maybe I’m assuming every woman wants what I want. Maybe they don’t want to be married. Maybe the thought of being secure with someone for the rest of their life is alarming. Maybe the single life is really that great and fun! I don’t want to believe that either. I have yet to meet anyone who wants to be alone. It’s just not natural.”

The first sentence is open and accepting, then the rest was sarcastic and condescending. I know you’re not that type, so really what’s the flame in this topic?

Could it be so alarming for a woman to not want to be married? Not particularly because being single is so fun, but because it works for them. I never believed being single to mean “being alone,” but there are so many other goals a woman can have for herself, and if being married isn’t one of the goals it doesn’t matter if you believe it’s natural or not. It works for her, and just this one graph passed as much judgement as you were trying to reject in your tweets.

Why isn’t it “natural” to be unmarried? Did we not come into the world alone? Will we not leave it alone? Or when we came into the world, didn’t we have friends and family to celebrate with us? When we leave, will people not mourn because we’re unmarried? When you say single, it sounds like you’re searching for a cure for a disease! Being single is not an epidemic. God puts things into people’s path with divine purpose, and if everyone were meant to be married, they would be at that state. But for some people I’d like to believe timing has other plans.

At the end of the day, you’re going to speak up for marriage because you’re happy where you are. This is your website, and to be where you want to be is a blessing no matter what, but let’s not make it sound like those who are married are living the life more ideal than those who are single. I never thought married women had these thoughts about singles before, and to be honest I just thought they were choices we all made to navigate our ways through life.

In conclusion I’ll be secure with myself, no matter if I do get married or not, and my life will be great and fun, married or single. No one wants to be alone, and single or married, no one has to be. Natural to me is doing what makes me happy, married or not, and I will continue to embrace my friends who make their own decision to do either or.

I always buy the friskiest wedding gifts. Call it the single girl in me. :)

JayJo
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Mattie,

Great post!!! It was a good read and I enjoyed reading it….. In 29 days I will be among the married bunch and will be married at 26 years old. Words cannot explain how excited I am to be marrying the man I wholeheartedly believe the creator made just for me. I understand not everyone regards marriage in the same light as me nor do all women/men want to be married. I don’t believe that me getting married at 26 is a rarity or can be measured on any scale of normalcy, it’s just the path I chose and I met and fell in love with someone that wanted to walk this path with me.

Before meeting my fiance I would be lying if I said I marriage was on my top ten priority list (it wasn’t even on my top twenty), but I met and fell in love with a man that made me not only believe in the possibility of marriage but also created a yearning for it. I was never the little girl who grew up planning her wedding or dreaming about my prince charming who would sweep me off my feet. Growing up I was never big on fairy tales, however 4.5 years ago I began dating a man that made me believe that happily ever after (the realistic hard work and perseverance version of it) could be achieved. It just so happen that this all occurred when I was in my early 20s, but whether I was in my 20s, 30s or 40s I believe the journey or lessons would still be the same. The age that I’m getting married holds no value and is irrelevant in my opinion. I am getting married when I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I was ready to be married and I was marrying the right man.

If I had spent my entire 20s and 30s single to meet him in my 40s, I would still be on cloud nine. I truly believe we meet the person that the creator intends for us when our mind and soul is in the right place to meet this person. I am a firm believer in the law of attraction so if marriage is truly what one desires (and not what you think you desire) then it will happen regardless if you are 25 or 65. You married your husband when you two knew the time was right for marriage. I am pretty sure it had nothing to do with your age, but more to do with the place you were in your life and the places you wanted to go. Some people are just not in that place and prefer to be single and there is nothing wrong with that. I respect people who know they want to be single and remain that way, instead of those who know they cherish being single yet still get in relationships or marriages. This is deception and no relationship/marriage can thrive with such a foundation.

I don’t necessarily think we judge each other for being single or married. In my opinions it’s more a state of ignorance than judgment. We can’t understand the other point of view because it’s not our current reality, therefore it puzzles us. Some singles maybe puzzled by the fact you are married at 25 and you maybe puzzled as to why they wouldn’t want to be. We all like to defend our convictions and marital status is definitely one of those convictions that people get sensitive about. No one wants to feel their way of life is wrong. We all like to believe the path(s) we chose is the correct one for us. This is one of those things that you really have to say “that may work for you, but it’s not for me”. I love being in a relationship and I love that I am getting married, however I understand that is not the path for all and I respect it without questions or objections. In this case the saying “Do you and let me do me” is very applicable. There is no right or wrong answer to this question, it’s whatever you believe works for you. For me, married at 26 makes me fabulous, but if I was single at 26 I would still be fabulous. I wasn’t and will never be defined by my marital status. I am currently happy with where I am and wish the same to all.

Well since everyone is commenting perhaps I’ll throw in my two cents. Matter of fact, they’ve already been thrown for me by beautifulbuckeye and Archel. Eloquently said ladies. Although and in fact because I consider you (Mattie) my very close friend I think it is important to consider what these two ladies have said in more detail and perhaps ask yourself some questions.
We might agree to disagree here but make sure to really listen and don’t be blinded by your own bias as I am hoping as an intelligent person to not be blinded by mine.

LatinMama
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Like you, I was married before all of my friends and only sometimes felt slightly out of place. However, no one made me “feel” like a freak of nature so I wonder how much of your own issues you may be projecting onto your group of friends. Just remember, someone has to be the first to be married, and you don’t mention how long you’ve been married so maybe you just have to wait…

Soon enough, most of mine and my husband’s friends got married and we enjoyed spending time with more and more couples. But, you’ll really feel more like a freak of nature when everyone around you starts to get divorced…I’ve been married 10 years now and many of our friends that have gotten married are now divorced. Let’s wait and see what life is like after you’ve had more years of experience before deciding why your friends aren’t married…

I just found your blog and I love it…I had to put my thoughts in on this topic. I got married at 24…2 years ago and my husband and I had a baby girl in May. If you think you lost friends when you got married just WAIT until you have a kid. Not one ‘friend’ at the baby shower…but marriage prepared me for that. Thank God my husband is my bff and I have great family. It’s life girl, roll with the punches. Definitely subscribing :-)

I find all of the comments interesting…my thoughts:
Marriage at any age has the potential to be amazingly great or devastatingly horrible. It depends on the two who are joined together. Research has proven that “good” marriages are good for the couple, family and the community.

Faith in the Him who marriage was designed by to help us understand Him.

I think the vision (mutually beneficial) of the marriage supersedes the individuals.

The ability to reconcile (even when your spouse is wrong and you’re right) is crucial for long term success.

When we married I was 26 and my wife was 24. We will soon celebrate 17 years. I love her more now then when we began (thankfully she tell other the same :)).

We’ve survived infidelity (not mine), and we are better for it. Wouldn’t have wished for it, but we are truly better as a result of that experience. Today, we and our children enjoy a level of joy and peace that is a direct result of the work we put in after that event.

FINAL THOUGHTS: Over time our families prove to be the greatest asset we will ever have, not looks, fame, money, careers, etc.- good marriages/families make those things worthwhile and better. AND choose wisely because before marriage it is all about YOU and your desires. Afterward, with each year of marriage and child you have, YOU “should” become we.