Tuesday, February 21, 2012

It hurts.

Trying to stay positive. But it hurts.

The opthamologist saw Amelia this morning. We will be moving forward on a second eye muscle surgery in about 7 weeks.

My brain is at war with itself. A portion still thinks we did the right thing - her exotropia could have cause her headaches, reading problems, and plain old aggravation. She herself asked us to "make her eye stay still". That same portion of my brain knows that a second surgery is needed in 20% of patients; it is not unusual. But the emotional side wonders why we ever made this decision. Why did we do this to our child? What if she never had difficulties with her eyes the way they were? No one ever noticed that her eyes moved in the first place. What if we moved too quickly into medical intervention when she could have been fine just left alone?

If we had been told it was medically necessary, I think we'd be stronger right now. But we were told it was up to us. So we chose. (Why did we choose?!?)

My eyes well up with tears as the guilt presses down. I breathe and push it all away. I need to be strong. I need to be optimistic. I need to grasp onto some faith and find hope. This bump in the road could very well be a distant memory by summer. I cannot express how much I hope for that. Oh my God, if You can hear me... please know how much I hope for that.

So, say a prayer for us and wish us luck. Six more weeks of waiting, then we start this process all over again.

If I get through this, I may have to change my name to ToughMama.
Because this is absolutely the hardest thing I have ever done.