Monday, January 9, 2012

GAY Secrets?

I read this article last week, written by Brian Moylan of Gawker.com, and I did not think to post it until now. As for the validity of the article I think, yes and no.

Yes, they are stereotypes, but people forget that stereotypes are founded from real-life examples. So, for every man who says he is an exception, there is another 30 men who are splitting images of these stereotypes. What do you think?

The Secrets Gay Men Don’t Want Straight People to Know

Bottoming Is Fun

There, I said it. Bottoming is fucking great. Yes, it hurts every time. Yes it is sometimes messy (Santorum is just not a candidate in Iowa). But it is always fucking worth it. There are lots of guys who only like to bottom. There are lots of couples that are both bottoms and they take turns begrudingly topping. There are also lots of tops who only like to top. Topping is fun too. But if topping is like a merry-go-round, then bottoming is like the best fucking roller coaster you've ever been on in your life. The weird thing is "power bottom" isn't just some stupid straight boy insult, the gays use it too. There's some sort of shame about being a bottom, like it makes us less manly and that straight people won't take us seriously. That is probably true, but those feelings are wrapped in all this heteronormative, patriarchal bullshit that straight society has thrust upon us, and we hate you for making us feel bad about something that is better than chasing a million dragons. And, yes, straight guys, let your lady stick a finger up there sometime, and you'll know what I'm talking about. I promise not to make you feel like less of a man for it.

Poppers Are Awesome

For those who don't know, poppers are an inhalant that is rather easy to come by in most adult book stores or gay leather shops. It's amyl nitrite and it's sold as "room deodorizer" or "video head cleaner" or some other preposterous bullshit like that. Homosexuals love this stuff. Well, not all of them, but a lot of them. Especially bottoms! What it does is loosen up all the involuntary muscles (like in the throat and anus) so it's so much easier to get large objects pushed into them. They also make you kind of dizzy and crazy and make every cell in your body scream, "I want to fuck right now" at the same time. They're great. They also give me a headache and make me want to pass out. Whatever, that's the price you pay.

Cocksucker Is Not an Insult

See the discussion about "power bottom" above, except the difference is, 99.9% of gay men love to suck dick. Therefore, if you call us a cocksucker, it says something more about you than it does about us. We love our cocks, we love to have them sucked, and we love to be the one doing the sucking. If you say "cocksucker" like it's a bad thing, your punishment should be to never have your cock sucked again. But, yeah, go ahead and call us a cocksucker. That's sort of like calling Bill Gates "rich" and expecting him to get mad about it.

We Have Our Own Celebrities

Straight people think, "Oh, the gays love Madonna and Lady Gaga and Kathy Griffin." Yes, it's true, but there is a class of gay superstars you don't even know about. You think gay people love Gaga? You should hear when a Robyn song comes on at a gay bar. Then it is fucking over. Don't forget the Scissor Sisters, anyone who was ever on RuPaul's Drag Race, Ben Cohen, cabaret superstar Mx. Justin Vivian Bond, or all the women whose careers we are personally keeping alive like Cyndi Lauper, Margaret Cho, and Sandra Bernhard. You may think you know what we like, but you don't even know the half of it.

We Want to Fuck All the Hot Straight Boys

When homophobes always have a gay panic and say gay men "all want to have sex with me," someone will always tell them, "That's stupid. We don't want to have sex with you." That's true—because that guy is ugly. If he was hot, gay guys will want to have sex with him. I mean, that's just nature. Gay guys are attracted to hot guys, no matter of their orientation. And if they're in the locker room or at the beach or even walking down the street, we're totally going to be checking them out. Also, many gay guys think straight guys are even hotter because they're so naturally butch and hard to get. It's like straight guys' obsession with girl-on-girl action, but in reverse. Falling in love with a straight guy is a difficult and painful trap that many gay men fall into as well, but we're not talking about that. We're talking about just the lust. If they're hot, it's there—even for your boyfriend.

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Allegedly, every writer is supposed to have a specialty.
This stumped me from the start, because I became a writer to avoid settling down to a specialty and to avoid settling down all around.
This blog is meant to chronicle my journey to that specialty, and the good/bad relationships that come and go in between.
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