Monthly Archives: December 2006

I drove to Leeds on the weekend, which meant travelling on the M1 for the first time. This wouldn’t have been a problem, except for the fact that Yorkshire drivers seem unwilling, nay unable to change lanes… ever. It’s as if they’re refusing to change their lifestyle, or move their house when those London types want to regenerate the area.

The bastards just stay in the outside lane, dawdling along at 70MPH, completely ignorant of the fact that you’re supposed to keep left. The inside two lanes were largely empty, meaning I kept getting stuck behind these thick as pig shit drivers just blocking the road. Naturally, undertaking was rife – and not just by me.

It seems as though they’re all content with undertaking, as though it were normal. Why on Earth couldn’t the sods just move over? When you have a car coming up behind you at around 90-110MPH, and you’re doing 70 in the outside lane, you move over. No decision to make, no change in lifestyle, just get out of the frickin’ way.

Not the Yorkshire drivers through Sheffield and Barnsley. They refuse to move, which is ignorant and dangerous.

Needless to say when I came home I took the M6 instead, which was used by the more metropolitan Mancunians and Brummies, who understand the concept of Motorway travel. I’m not using the M1 ever again, it’s full of morons.

Saturday was supposed to be the first home game for the Echo Cardiff Devils in their new, purpose-built, ice rink from Planet Ice in Cardiff Bay. Much delayed, and long anticipated the first home game, some 12 games into Cardiff’s season, and against Newcastle (or just Vipers as they’re now known) was going to be a classic. Everyone arrived OK, including the away fans from far oop North, only to be told that the game was off due to ‘unsafe ice’.

What a disaster!

This rink has taken ages to build, is well over due and then its grand opening delves into farce. Hopefully the rink will be ready for Wednesday’s home game against Manchester, and the Devils can finally get their new home, and their season, underway.

Can you believe I had an email from someone questioning my knowledge on SEO? They claimed that my remarks about how Keyword and Description META tags have no effect on your Google rankings were incorrect.

The bloody bare faced cheek of it! This muppet even challenged me to a contest to get our websites ranked for key phrases. Buddy, if you’re still in the META tag era please stay where you are and don’t come out to play with the big boys. I have far too much to do as it is, without trying to educate people as clueless as you.

The only search engine contest I have ever entered was the v7ndotcom elursrebmem one run by www.v7.com, the results of which are easy to find – look it up. I’m not about to waste my very expensive time pissing about with some moron who thinks META tags are effective.

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and an earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Swansea in the early hours of this morning with its epicentre in Townhill. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering “Faaackinell”. The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately 30 quids worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.

The Wave radio reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Townhill. One resident – Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, “It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning.” Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after – items most needed include: Fila or Burberry baseball caps, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers), Shell suits (female), White sport socks, Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark. Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include: Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.

Be aware that 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms; 2 pound buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9; 5 pound buys 20 B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

***Breaking News*** Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop. “Where are you bleeding from?” they asked, “Portmead” said the girl, “woss that gotta do wiv you?”

I didn’t mention this 2 weeks ago but I met the A-Team in Manchester. Well, when I say the A-Team, I mean Faceman and Murdock, or Dirk and Dwight as they’re otherwise known.

Mr T wasn’t there as he obviously wasn’t getting on no plane. Actually, T doesn’t have a fear of flying according to Dwight and Dirk, he just doesn’t come to these conventions. The boys were great, and they gave a talk about the show, and even did some impressions of George Peppard and Mr T.