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The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house
called a family meeting.

Dad: People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use
of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the
office.

Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my
work telephone

Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my
company mobile

Maid: So what is the problem? We all use our work
telephones.

Actual call centre conversations !!!!!

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't
get through to enquiries, can you help?".

Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".

Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".

Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

Samsung Electronics

Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"

Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are
talking about".

Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly
states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall
socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give
me the number for Jack?"

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in
France ): "If I register my car in France , do I have to
change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"

Directory Enquiries

Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in
Cardiff
please".

Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling
correct?"

Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but
the 'B' fell off".

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in
Woven.

Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"

Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in
Scotland".

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from
a phone box told a worried operator:

"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write
the number on".

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".

Customer: "OK".

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".

Customer: "No".

Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up
menu?"

Customer: "No".

Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up
until this point?".

Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote
'click'".

Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen,
can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"

Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just
realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two
weeks will I have my file back again?".

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest
things in a long time. I think this guy should have been
promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word
Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording
monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the
Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently
suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without
Cause".

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support
employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"

Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

Operator: "What sort of trouble??"

Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden
the words went away."

Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks
like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when
it's on??"

Caller: "I don't know."

Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find
where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"

Caller: "Yes, I think so."

Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if
it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: "Yes, it is."

Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice
that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not
just one??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there
again and find the other cable."

Caller: "Okay, here it is."

Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged
securely into the back of your computer."

Caller: "I can't reach."

Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and
lean way over??"

Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -
it's because it's dark."

Operator: "Dark??"

Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I
have is coming in from the window."

Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."

Caller: "I can't."

Operator: "No? Why not??"

Caller: "Because there's a power failure."

Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've
got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
packing stuff your computer came in??"

Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack
it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to
the store you bought it from."

Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"

Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell
them??"

Operator: "Tell them you're too $*%ing stupid to own a
computer!!!!!"

Chinese speaking to a Chinese operator:

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?

Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Caller: I'm Sum Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's
urgent.

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to
anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother,
Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and
now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery
Wan is on his way to the hospital.

Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to
the hospital from the accident that isn't an urgent matter!
You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I'm Saw Lee.

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!

In A Minute Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close
enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. . .

"God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith then asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to
you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute".

Customer : Waiter, do you serve pigs

Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.

Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop

Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste

Customer : No, I can't.

Waiter : Then does it really matter

Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.

Waiter : Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.

Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.

Waiter : That's all right sir, he won't drink much.

Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.

Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.

Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.

Waiter : Funny But then why aren't you laughing

Lady : Is this my train

Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.

Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take This
train to New Delhi.

Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.

Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again

Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and
the game went into extra time.

Wife : Do you want dinner

Husband : Sure, what are my choices

Wife : Yes and no.

A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there
was a commotion in the gallery.

The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted,

"Order, order."

The drunkard immediately responded,

"Thank you, your honor, I'll have a scotch and soda."

Customer : If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi
in two days time.

Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will.

Customer : I bet you, it won't.

Post Master : Why not

Customer : It's addressed to Mumbai.

An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.

'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'

'How long has this been going on' asked the psychiatrist.

'How long has what been going on' said the man.

Girl : Do you love me

Boy : Yes Dear.

Girl : Would you die for me

Boy : No, mine is undying love.

1st thief : Oh The police is here. Quick Jump out of the
window

2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.

1st thief : Hurry this is no time for superstitions.

Man : How old is your father

Boy : As old as me.

Man : How can that be

Boy : He became a father only when I was born.

Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing
in the field"

Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field

Teacher : How

Student : Ladies first.

Teacher to Sardar: Make a sentence in which one word is
repeated twice.