The Veuve Clicquot held its Second Annual Polo Classic in Los Angeles on Sunday, which begs the question: What exactly is a Polo Classic? Is it like the more elitist, West Coast version of the Kentucky Derby? Are you supposed to wear breezy lawn dresses and hats? We're going to assume not, seeing as most of the attendees wore unimpressive clothes and carried Chanel purses that, unfortunately, looked like plastic under the October sun.

Let's start with the good. Zoe Saldana's dress hits all of my fashion sweet spots: a wispy black dress that works for daytime, a print and silhouette that's both interesting and elegant, dainty ankle straps, blue nails, and hot pink lips. The teardrop earrings are a nice touch that pulls the whole look together.

Did you know that Jaime King has her own last name tattooed on her neck? Must be fun for her to pin her hair into a faux-bob (the WORST kind of bob) and walk around flashing "KING" at polo players! The pairing of something fuzzy on top with something sleek on the bottom is such a classic fashion pairing but it gives me Buster Bluth yawns. Also those gladiator stilettos are so FIERCE FIERCE FIERCE circa 2008 and look really off with a midi-length circle skirt.

Back when I lived in the Midwest, I used to shop at Mennonite thrift stores, and the dress Camilla Belle is wearing is the kind of dress that would stay on the rack for months, and that bracelet is the kind of bracelet they'd put up by the cash register to trick you into impulse buying. Her shoes are definitely something that I could have found at the Salvation Army on half-price Tuesdays even though I'm sure, in reality, they're half the price of my rent. Now, as a lover of thrift stores, I'm not knocking them. I just feel like if you're a celebrity wearing an outfit on the red carpet that looks like it came from the reject section of a Midwestern thrift store, you might want to consider having a brief talk with your stylist before the next event.

I love Ali Larter's new shorter do. (At first glance, I thought she was Naomi Watts, because they both have that wavy, 40's side part going on.) What I don't love is her denim romper (or is it a an awful halter vest with matching shorts?). It looks like someone glued kitty ears to her top, which normally would be super cute, but here it looks humorless and unintended. Those buttons are a travesty and there's a reason why dainty ankle straps look better than thick, medical gauze ankle straps. I can't articulate the reason, but just use your eyes and you'll figure it out. Also, I know Chanel chain-link purses are supposed to be totally classic and timeless, but doesn't Ali's beige purse look sort of tacky? Maybe it's the light. Or maybe, it's the color BEIGE.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, we just entered the portion of the slideshow where celebrities unimaginatively style their outfits with Chanel purses! This is an unusually slovenly look for Rachel Zoe, and even though she's essentially wearing an oversized white dress with an elastic waist, there's something slightly naughty about this get up, like the girl's game to flash some leg whenever the mood strikes her. The bug glasses and the obscene amount of jewelry she's wearing are so standard for Rachel Zoe that she looks like a parody of herself. Maybe if she sized down on the dress, took off at least five pieces of jewelry and ditched the weirdly uptight purse, this would be a good outfit. Also, what is up with these Chanel purses looking super cheap and ugly?

Lauren Conrad usually looks put together, completely mediocre, and never inspiring. Here she doesn't even look put together. Her black, quilted Chanel purse is too big, and those wedges have no place in this outfit. Her BFF, Lo Bosworth, looks like she tucked a Victoria's Secret chemise from the 90's into an American Apparel skirt, and her Chanel purse might be the ugliest of all the ugly Chanel purses on the red carpet yesterday.

Ew, Jeremy Piven looks like an asswipe with sloping shoulders and a dumb hat. I know it's not always the funnest thing in the world to get gussied up for an event after giving birth, but surely there was something cuter than that skirt in Selma Blair's closet? Sofia Vergara is marching to the beat of her own drums. Also, pet peeve time: it drives me nuts when someone's idea of casual dressing means tight ass jeans. If you're going to go casual, can't you at least wear something comfortable? And when I say comfortable, I mean something you're good to go in after round five at the buffet table.

Lois Driggs Cannon's glasses are my dream glasses, but I dislike everything else about her outfit. Why are there slits on the front of her pants? And more Chanel? C'MON. Hate the print on Sanaa Lathan's dress (good cleavage though.) Hate wrap dresses with a tulip silhouette, but at least Roxane Mesquida's shoes are cute. Guess I'm feeling a little salty today.

Vanessa Kay is apparently the co-host and President of the Veuve Clicquot Polo Club. I think she looks great in this slightly modernized flapper dress. My only quibble is that the dress looks more like an evening dress than a daytime dress, and I don't get why she's clutching that bit of green fabric in her hands. Stephane Baschiera is also the President of the Vueve Clicquot, and I don't have much to say about his suit except it proves that gray and lemon yellow are exquisite when paired together. Nacho Figueras is the star of this whole event, and I know he's supposed to be this gorgeous Argentine Polo player, but this outfit is BANANAS! A cream jacket with white pants tucked into riding boots and a scarf that is a different color from his pants, shirt, boots, and blazer? Don't tell me this is what all polo players wear....