27 February, 2008

Seriously Cheryl, when in history has talking about your problems ever solved anything? Everyone knows that the only way to get your life back on track is to sleep with a blog-writer (preferably an award winner). Anyway, this week Ms Tweedy has turned to a self-professed love doctor in a last gasp effort to save her sham of a marriage to Chelsea bench-warmer Ashley Cole, seeing the therapist twice-a-day to stay emotionally stable. The counsellor has suggested the couple attend some sessions together, and Cole must also meet a quack several times by himself to help understand why he is fundamentally such a twat. The ex-England defender is said to be mortified at the idea of talking not in football cliches, even cleverly joking with team-mates that the whole therapyidea is nothing but “mumbo jumbo.”

Since the story of his romantic vomiting adventure with Aimee Walton broke in the press, further harlots have come out of the woodwork claiming he had sex with them too. The illustrious list now reads as follows according to The Daily Star: hairdresser Aimee Walton, 23; model Brooke Healy, 23; and brunette Coralie Robinson, 26 (presumably being ‘brunette’ is considered a job these days). The latter two both claim that in the last few years Cole has had one night stands with them, only to bung them some cash in the morning to keep them quiet; £6,000 to Healy, but £10,000 to Robinson. STT wonders that even if you don’t actually ask for it up front, but still accept money the morning after sex, does that make you a whore?

Cheryl’s answer is to draw up a so-called marriage charter (insert your own Magna Carta pun here), and demand Ashley signs it before even considering letting him back near her honey pot. This includes stipulations that he makes at least one romantic gesture a week, ditches his boozy pals and spends more quality time with her. An unnamed gal pal helpfully added: “Without this Cheryl won’t consider rebuilding her marriage.”

In all seriousness, if they do agree to get back together, STT suggests Ashley ignore all of this emotional crap, and instead plan a quick-fix solution such as getting her knocked up. Not that we’d ever condone having a band-aid baby to keep a girl who you’re punching above your weight with, we have heard however that replacing contraceptive pills with peanut M&Ms is a certain Hollywood actor’s signature move…