see there is this old chick righther name is old bettywhich is appropriatebecause of how old she isI think I’m gonna name all my future kids Old because then it is GUARANTEED TO BE ACCURATE EVENTUALLYunless they get fucked to death in their teens by a bison or somethingbut i mean you can’t think of everything right?anyway Old Betty is supposed to be a super great conjurer or whateverlike she’s got all these potions and shitand like special herbs and other varieties of who-gives-a-shitshe sells all this shit in town and I have no idea who the fuck buys itbut anyway that’s not the pointthe point is she has a pet pig

who the fuck keeps a pig as a petpigs are good for two thingsbaconand crispy baconif I had a pig roaming around my house the temptation would just be TOO GREATbut apparently Old Betty is a vegetarian or some shitbecause she keeps this pig around for YEARSand gives him a shitty name:Raw Headwhat?LISTEN BITCHEVERYONE’S HEAD IS RAWBECAUSE PEOPLE DO NOT REGULARLY GET THEIR HEADS COOKED WHILE THEY ARE ALIVEWHY DIDN’T YOU JUST CALL HIMBREATHING LUNGSORPIG WITH OXYGENATED BLOODanyway the pig eats a bunch of her magic spellsbecause it’s an unruly pig that gets into fucking everythingand so he starts walking around and making wisecracks and shitwhich is even more reason to eat him but whatever

anyway one day Old Betty comes into town to sell her mystical bullshitbut HER PIG IS NOT WITH HERand everyone is used to seeing the crazy witch with the uglyass pig palso they’re like hey where the fuck is your pigand she’s like I DUNNObut PLOT TWISTOld Betty uses her crystal ball to figure out what happened to her pigturns out some shitty poacher just fucking KILLED THAT LITTLE FUCKERbecause apparently he is too much of a pussy to poach real shitlike rhinos and elephants and dragons so he just runs around murdering STRAY FARM ANIMALSanyway Old Betty gets pretty understandably pissedso she’s like OH I KNOWI WILL USE MAGICSso she conjures some mystical lightningwhile yelling about bloody bonesand basically the upshot of all this is that Raw Head’s head comes back to lifeand then animates his old bloody bonesand gets up on his hind legs and starts running after the shitty poacherand chases him down at his farm or house or whatever the fuck people live in in the ozarksand just pulls off some classic horror movie shitwhat with the standing in the shadows and breathing in a threatening mannerwhile the poacher stupidly assumes it is some neighborhood kid playing pranksand then eventually he gets murderedbecause guess whatIT IS STUPID TO IGNORE SKELETAL INTRUDERS ON YOUR FARMso yeah he diesand Old Betty is placated

and the moral of the story isif you wanna kill pigsbe a pig farmeryou get free bacon and you don’t get chased down by magic demon zombie hogsusually

Okay so quick disclaimerI know you all want to see my sweet new skulls and explosions hatbut some asshole stole it from me at a party in San FranciscoBUTone of my friends in Oakland GOT IT BACK FOR METHAT’LL TEACH YOU TO WEAR MY POSSESSIONS TO THE PARTIES YOU STOLE THEM FROMFUCKERand so it is in the mail right nowbut in the meantime you are going to have to deal with this hat:

So there’s this chick telethusawhich sounds like the name of some cthonian internet service providerand she is married to some asshole who got her knocked upand one day he calls her over like hey honeyummi hate to say thisbut if you squirt a girlchild out of your womb I am going to have to kill itgoddd this is soooo awkwardand Telethusa is like NO SHIT DICKWEEDbut actually she stops halfway through the sentence because of UNBEARABLE LABOR PAIN

cuz see here’s the problemTelethusa is pretty sure she is gonna have a girlso basically her husband just walked up to her like GONNA MURDER YOUR BABBY LOLbut it’s okbecause then she passes outand pretty much the ENTIRE EGYPTIAN PANTHEON shows upseriouslyOsiris is thereand Anubis alsonow i know what you’re thinkingWAAH I THOUGHT THIS WAS A GREEK MYTHshut up assholelook it’s fineIo is also thereand Harpocrateswho is basically just the stolen Greek version of Horusso that’s sort of a compromisebasically i have no idea what the fuck Ovid thinks he’s doing right nowbut anyway io is like hey Telethusachill outyour babby’s gonna be fineI guarantee itand then immediately the baby is like FUCK THIS I’M OUT OF HEREand Telethusa is like OW MY PELVISAND A BABBY IS BORN

so Telethusa’s husband comes in like hey is that a girl or a boy thererememberif it is a girl i am going to kill itso answer carefullyand Telethusa is like TOTALLY JUST GAVE BIRTH TO A MAN and her husband is like SWEETWON’T EVEN BOTHER TO CHECKguys this is like when i came across the border from Oregon into Californiaand they were like hey do you have any foreign fruits or vegetables or anythingand i was like nopeand they were like EXCELLENTWELCOME TO CALIFORNIAand then me and my mobile marijuana farm/killer bee hatchery rolled right across the border unmolestedTHAT IS WHAT THIS IS LIKEWHAT A SHITTY SYSTEM

anyway Telethusa has to commit to this lie pretty hardso she raises her little girl(who her husband names Iphis btw)as THE ULTIMATE MANand by the ultimate man i mean a little girl dressed up as a little boyanyway Iphis is pretty good looking or whateverand so this chick Ianthe totally falls in love with herthinking she is a dudeand the feelings are totally mutualexcept Iphis is totally aware of her pesky vaginaactively cockblocking all possible marital funtimesalthough i guess cockblocking is a wrong wordbecause there are no cocks involvedand in fact the acute cock deficit is the root of the problemmaybe cocklacking?i think i want to stop using the word cockblock altogetherin favor of meatdefeatbut that’s another issue entirely

anyway Iphis spends a lot of time bitching about how unnatural her love islike she actually has the proverbial balls to claimthat what she wants to do to Ianthe is worse than when that chick fucked that bulland then gave birth to a MAN-EATING WERECOWthen she briefly entertains the idea of contracting daedalus to make her a wax straponthen she’s like no that’s stupidhow about I whine to the gods about itOR HOW ABOUT YOU INVENT SCISSORING YOU DUMB BITCHbut anyway she’s like yeah hey egyptian gods and also Io and also some other greek god who is actually a stolen egyptian godremember how you told my mom you would totally hook me upwell now would be the time to do thatand BAMINSTANT DONGand then she (he?) goes and bangs the shit out of Ianthethus proving once and for allthat if god is actively hindering your same sex sexytimesyou are clearly praying to the wrong godsbecause real pantheons bestow PENISES

Irrationally exuberant gratitude
to world facepunch champion Ulric Hammers
for giving me monetary motivation to tell this myth about fire and idiots
also i will totally update the smorgasbord page on Sunday i am sorry i am so lazy
also i just woke up from a 3 day bender somewhere on the west coast
and found out people have given me INTERNET BILLIONS
to do a video retelling of PARADISE MOTHERFUCKING LOST
so that’s happening as soon as my hangover clears up
BUT FOR NOW HERE IS THE FIRE/IDIOTS FIASCO:

okay so there’s these birds right
one of them is called the Dziu
but actually it is just a cuckoo with a fancy name
and also SUPER fancy feathers
like this dude is the flava flav of having stupid amounts of radical plumage
and he is also a super helpful motherfucker
always first in line for all the retardedly dangerous missions
so one day Yuum Chaac
who is the god of water and agriculture and unnecessary vowels
is like holy shit
all of the crops are failing pretty much AS HARD AS POSSIBLE
we seriously can’t plant any more fucking crops this is ridiculous
how do we solve this
oh I know lemme pawn off my job on some BIRDS
HEY BIRDS

so the birds all show up like tweet tweet sup
and Yuum Chaac is like hey bros so here is what is going to happen
i am gonna get my buddy Kak to set EVERYTHING ON FIRE
and the birds are like wait
what
and Yuum Chaac is like trust me this is the best way to go about this
and the birds are like ok well what the fuck do we know we’re just some fucking birds
and Yuum Chaac is like damn right
so what i need you to do
is fly around and grab AS MANY SEEDS AS POSSIBLE
so we can plant crops in all the ashes everywhere once we’re done burning shit
and the Dziu
who is an overachieving little twatbird
is like OOH OOH ME FIRST
and shows up WAY FUCKING EARLY
and grabs more seeds than ANYONE ELSE
but then obviously gets tired
and is like hey gods can i get a rest right quick
and the gods are like sure dude no problem
and all the other birds are like wait why the fuck does he get to rest
we are going to rest EXACTLY AS HARD AS THAT DUDE RIGHT NOW
and then nobody is collecting seeds
which would be fine
except Kak went ahead and set everything on fire HOURS AGO
i guess cause he got bored?
and so now fire is coming from all sides and Yuum Chaac is like oh fuck
i guess maybe i should have made plans
but instead of using any water god powers or anything
he is like HEY CUCKOO BIRD FUCKING SAVE ALL THE CORNSEEDS
and that bird is like YESSIR
and just dives straight into the fire
horribly mutilating himself in the process
but getting a ton of seeds
and also probably some really shitty popcorn
and all his pimp-ass feathers are burned right the fuck off
and his eyes are all red
and everyone is like ewww what the fuck
and Yuum Chaac is like SHUT UP ALL OF YOU
FROM NOW ON YOU GUYS ALL HAVE TO RAISE THIS DUDE’S KIDS FOR HIM
and the birds are like whaaat
well shit i guess it’s better than having to dive into fire
but then it turns out that it is actually worse
because according to science
these uglyass birds have a habit of pushing ALL THE OTHER BABY BIRDS OUT THE NEST
so way to go birds
way to sacrifice all your future offspring to this mutilated piece of shit

so i guess the moral of the story
is try to dive into a lot of fires
because then your babies get to push other babies out of trees

alright so Sinbad has just gotten back from risking his life 3 timeshe has all this money and his financial security is more or less assuredso what time is it?BOOZE AND WHORES TIME OF COURSEand he wakes up some morning all covered in confetti with his legs wrapped around a transvestite orangutanand he is like oh shit where is all my moneyI GUESS I BETTER GO RISK MY LIFE AGAIN

so he gets some merchandise and he gets on a boatand there is a totally predictable stormand BAM now they are all washed up on some islandbut it is okay because here come some naked dudeswho invite them to have some really gross foodand sinbad is like ew this food is grossbut everyone else is like YUM YUM YUMand they just keep eating itand being really disgustingand getting fat and stupid like fat stupid cowsand then the naked dudes eat thembut when it becomes clear that Sinbad is not going to become a fat stupid coweveryone kind of forgets about himand he wanders offyou knowstarving to deathand some other dudes who are not naked or cannibals find himand they are like dude come chill with us in our sweet kingdomand the king is like holy shit your stories are AMAZINGlemme hook you up with some bitches and riches right quickand suddenly Sinbad is A RICH MARRIED MOTHERFUCKER

but oh shit what is thisapparently there is a custom here where if your spouse diesyou get buried alive with their corpseso you can starve to death and be sad AT THE SAME TIMEEFFICIENTand what do you knowSinbad’s wife diesso everyone is like get the fuck in the hole assholeand he is like i don’t wannaand they’re like tough tits sugarlumpsand they chuck him in the pitalong with 7 days worth of food and water for some reasonand he decides to make that shit last AS LONG AS POSSIBLEand then pretty soon some other poor chick gets lowered into the pitcaveto die of starvation with her dead husbandand she is like OH GOD PLEASE KILL MEand Sinbad is like SURE NO PROBLEMand beats her to death with a skeleton and steals her foodhe does this OVER AND OVER AGAINand people give him MONEY FOR DOING ITand that is how he survivesuntil eventually he finds a tunnel to the outside and a ship picks him upand they give him even more sweet treasure and he goes back to Baghdad

so he gets back to Baghdad and he is like hm shitevery time i do one of these voyages i have to endure horrible torturesand i almost die a lotmaybe i should stop doing voyagesOH WHOOPS LOOKS LIKE MY LOVE OF BOOZE AND WHORES OUTWEIGHS MY DESIRE TO KEEP LIVINGADVENTURE AHOYYYYYYYYYBUT WAITI’M NOT RISKING ENOUGH IN THIS ADVENTUREHOW ABOUT I BUY A SHIP THIS TIMESO THAT WHEN WE INEVITABLY ENCOUNTER A STORM I WILL LOSE EVEN MORE MONEYso that is what he doesand he gets a crewand they set offand pretty much immediately Sinbad’s crew starts fucking upbecause they stop on some island and they see another one of those huge rukh eggsand they are like well we are suicidally recklesshow about we throw rocks at this thing til it breaksthen kill the babythen steal its meatthis will surely not upset the GIANT BIRDPARENTSso they come back to sinbad like hey bro want some chickenand Sinbad is like YOU IDIOTSYOU UNAPOLOGETIC SACKS FULL OF FREEBASED STUPIDITYand then Rukhs show up and totally ruin the ship with rocks and nonsensebut Sinbad survives obviouslyand he wakes up on some islandand he dicks around for a while until he finds some old manand the old man is mute but he is basically like dude gimme a piggy back rideand Sinbad is like well shit what else am i gonna doso he picks this dude upand all of a sudden the dude is like YAHHH BITCHexcept he doesn’t say it with his wordshe says it with FURIOUS KICKS TO THE CHESTand this goes on for DAYSuntil finally sinbad is like fuck thisI’m going to hollow out some pumpkinsfill them with grapesand make WINEso i will still be miserablebut at least i will be SHITFACED AS WELLand he starts gettin tipsayand the old man is like what the fuck is thisand sinbad is like i have been drinking my friendwould you like some boozeand the dude is like YESSSSSSSand he has never had any drunksauce before so he gets WASTEDand eventually falls off Sinbad and sinbad chokes him to deathand then gets picked up by some dudes who are like whoayou just killed the old man of the seagood job

but waitSinbad can’t go home yethe hasn’t made his booze and whores allowance yetso they go to some island called the island of the apesbecause there are apes and everyone has to sleep on boats at nightotherwise the apes with fuck them to deathif it was me i would probably just use the boats to FIND A DIFFERENT ISLANDbut anyway Sinbad gets lost and everyone forgets about himand he’s like FUCK now i am strandedbut it’s okay because he is the ULTIMATE BUSINESSMANand he pretty much just makes a fortune selling coconutsand then another ship comes and they make a whole shitload of moneyand then he goes home and settles down for some sweet whoretimes

although actuallyi think he might have a family at this point?I don’t know when he had time to start a familywith all the boozing and whoringand i don’t know where he puts his family while he repeatedly disappears for yearsbut he’s got one and he’ll be damned if he’s going to leave againoh wait that’s a liehe totally leaves again

so he gets on some other boatwhich just immediately sinksand then he gets washed up on an island with a bunch of other dudesand there are all these other ships washed up therewith sweet mounds of cash piled up everywhereand also big barrels of beef jerkybut the beef jerky has gone bad apparentlybecause everyone gets fever and diesone by oneexcept sinbadwho instead of dying builds a raftcovers it with richesand sails down some river he findswhich leads him through a cave and into this really sweet kingdom

so he wakes up in this sweet kingdomand some dudes are like whoa where did you come fromand Sinbad tells them his storyand they are like WHOATHAT IS ONE BADASS STORYOUR KING HAS GOT TO HEAR THISmani wish we still lived in an erawhere someone might find me passed out on the sidewalkand then i might tell them a really sweet storyand then they might take me to see the presidentbut anyway the king is totally all about sinbadhe gives him tons of cash and whatnotbut finally sinbad is like i gots to get homeand the king is like well ok give this incredibly valuable goblet to your kingalong with a really nice letter i wroteand Sinbad is like that is really nice of youand then he goes home with a ton of money and NO FURTHER PROBLEMS

so then he’s at home for a whileand he is seriously prepared to not have to engage in any more bullshit EVERbut then the king of Baghdad or whatever calls him up like dudethat was a very pleasant letter you brought meI want to send a thankyou noteand YOU ARE JUST THE MAN FOR THE JOBand Sinbad is like well really dude I would rather notand the king is like FUCKING DO IT YOU PIECE OF SHITand Sinbad is like sure dude okso he takes a thankyou note to the other kingand everything is going greatuntil he is heading back home and OH GUESS WHAT SOME PIRATES ATTACKand then they sell sinbad into slaverybut his master is a pretty okay dudehe just has him clean up the house a little bitoh yeah and POACH ELEPHANTS WITH A GODDAMN BOW AND ARROWyeah Sinbad has to sit in a tree all day every dayshooting elephants in the head with arrowsuntil one day the elephants get sick of his shitand knock over the treeand drag him to a bigass pit full of elephant boneslike dudethere is so much ivory over herewhy you gotta keep murdering us manand then sinbad tells his master about thatand his master hooks him up with sweet bling of all sortsand sets him freeand he gets on a boat and he gets some pearls tooand probably just a whole deluge of unspeakable richesreally it doesn’t even matter at this pointthe idea i am getting is that sinbad could eat nothing but gold coins pure cocaine for the rest of timeand it would not be a problemseriously this dude is rich as fuckand the story ends with him inviting the dude he has been telling this story to(Sinbad the Landsman, remember?)to just come live in his palace foreverand be equally richbut without any of the requisite effort

so the moral of the story is pretty cleartry to have the same name as rich dudesthey will hook you up

and I am on my knees sacrificing goats in the honor of celebrity knife maniacJANE DOEfor giving me some of her tainted murder dollars to tell this mythHERE GOES

Alright so there’s this dude Sinbad right

Holy fucking shit this guy is simultaneously a huge idiot and an ultimate badassWhen our story begins he is super fucking wealthyAnd constantly having parties at his cribAnd this other dude named Sinbad shows upAnd Sinbad the sailor is like WHOA FUCK YOU HAVE THE SAME NAME AS MELEMME TELL YOU HOW I GOT SO RICHIT WILL TAKE 7 DAYSI HOPE YOU LIKE PARTIESAnd here is how the story goesBasically he’s the son of a wealthy merchantJUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE IN EVERY GODDAMN ARABIAN MYTHDID PEOPLE EVEN HAVE OTHER PROFESSIONS?Anyway his dad dies and he gets a huge inheritanceBut then he squanders it all on booze and whoresAnd wakes up one morning like fuckWhere is all my moneyWhat are all my booze and whores?ShitBetter make more moneyI KNOWI’LL BECOME A MERCHANTSo he gets some cloth and some other saleable shitAnd gets on a boatAnd they go stop on some islandAnd WHABAM STORM TIMEAnd everyone gets back on the shipBut Sinbad is TOOO FUCKING SLOWSo he gets left behindAnd he is all sad but at least the island has a ton of food and shitAnd then one day he runs into some dudes who are trying to catch seahorsesBut not the kind you are thinkingACTUAL HORSESFROM THE SEAAnd he tells these dudes his story And the dudes are like HOLY SHIT THAT’S A GREAT STORYYOU DESERVE A PROMINENT POSITION IN OUR GOVERNMENTSo Sinbad becomes the minister of tradeAnd then one day some dudes show up with a shipAnd they are like hey we would like to sell some goods belonging to our dead friendHis name was Sinbad the SailorAnd Sinbad is like HOLY SHIT THAT’S MY NAMEAnd they’re like BULLSHITAnd he’s like NO SERIOUSLYAnd they’re like OH SNAP DUDE LET’S GO MERCHANT THE FUCK OUT OF SHITAnd the king gives him a ton of gold as a parting giftAnd they go make a ton more goldAnd then eventually he goes back to Baghdad

So he IMMEDIATELY SPENDS ALL HIS MONEY ON BOOZE AND WHORES AGAINAnd plus he gets pretty bored not being in mortal peril all the timeSo he is like WELP BETTER GET ON ANOTHER FUCKING BOATAnd AWAY HE GOESSo they all find this really sweet islandAnd Sinbad likes it SOOOOO MUCHThat he totally forgets to get back on his boatAnd everybody leaves him behindso he starts wandering aroundand he finds this bigass eggand a bigass bird called a Rukh sitting on the eggand he’s like HOLY SHIT I JUST HAD A REALLY STUPID IDEAI’MA TAKE MY TURBAN AND TIE IT TO THAT RUKH’S LEGAND WHEN IT GOES OUT HUNTINGIT WILL CARRY ME SOMEWHERE AWESOMESo he does this incredibly dumb thingAnd the bird does in fact carry him to someplace elseBUT GUESS WHATIT’S A DESERTED PLATEAU WITH NO MEANS OF ESCAPEBUT GUESS WHATIT TURNS OUT THE GROUND IS COVERED IN DIAMONDSBUT GUESS WHATTHE DIAMONDS ARE COVERED IN SNAKESHOLY SHIT WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS STORYAnd then while Sinbad is staring at all these snakes and diamondsBAM a dead animal falls down in front of himAnd he remembers some stories about how some merchants try to use dead bodies to fish for diamonds down hereLike the diamonds stick to the corpsesAnd then birds carry the corpses up and the merchants scare them away and take the diamondsSo Sinbad fills his pockets with diamonds and grabs onto this dead animalAnd SHO NUFFHERE COMES A BIRD AND LIFTS HIM UPAnd then he sees some merchants and gives them diamonds and everyone is palsAnd they make a ton of cash and then he goes back to Baghdad

So he’s back in Baghdad!BOOZE AND WHORES TIMEOOP GUESS I GOTTA GO ON ANOTHER ADVENTURESo he gets on another boatAnd they are boating aroundWhen OH SHIT HERE COMES THE ISLAND OF THE APESIT IS LIKE THE PLANET OF THE APES BUT JUST AN ISLANDAND WHAT THE APES DO IS STEAL YOUR BOATSo now they have no boatSo they find a house that CLEARLY belongs to an ogreAnd they’re like welp better sleep hereAnd of course the ogre comes home and murders some of themAnd then they are like should we leave?NAHAnd stay there ANOTHER night and the ogre eats MORE of themAt which point they are like we should seriously leave huh?Maybe we should build some rafts?And then poke out his eyes?So they do thatAnd the ogre and his wife chase them but they escapeTo an island where they get eaten by SNAKESBut Sinbad escapes by tying himself to a tree with his turbanAnd then when that doesn’t work he just staples a bunch of logs to his body so he’s too big to eatand then he finds some boat dudes and they take him to some other boat dudeswho HAPPEN TO HAVE HIS FUCKING STUFFso that’s cooland then he makes a ton more money and goes back to Baghdad againand I’m gonna tell the rest on Tuesday cause this fucker is LONG

Awestruck shoutoutto Scandanavian sex icon Pjarl Torturetruckfor bathing me in a sea of dollars in an effort to get me to tell this myth from the Kalevala(National epic of FINLAND!)EFFORT SUCCESSFUL

So basically there’s this chick Ilmatar rightexcept in the original version you don’t find out what her name is until the LAST FUCKING LINE OF THE STORYthat my friendsis called bad storytellinganyway Ilmatar is like the daughter of Etherwhatever that meansi guess basically it means she hangs out in bumfuck airland nowheresvilleall the timeevery dayand so understandably she gets SUPER BOREDand she is like IMA GO SWIMMINGand the ocean is like HA HA BITCH I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS A LONG TIMEand proceeds to just conjure up EVERY AVAILABLE STORMin order to turn Ilmatar’s life into a living well of watery torturesexso not only does she get drowned for like SEVEN YEARSand super losteven though how can you ever get lostwhen your houseis AIRbut anyway she also gets PREGNANTand also the water won’t let her go above the surfaceall like nopenopeand she keeps swimming everywhere but it is NO USE AT ALLand she is like mannnni sure was bored in the etherbut being bored definitely trumps simultaneously drowning and being pregnantEVERY TIMEhey UkkoUKKOGOD OF ALL THINGSCAN YOU HOOK A SISTER UP WITH SOME ASSISTANCE PLEASE?and ukko doesn’t say shit but then a duck appearsit is not clear whether Ukko sent the duckmaybe it’s just some ducki dunno

anyway the duck is flying aroundbut see the problem is THERE IS NOWHERE TO LANDso it’s about to leavewhen Ilmatar is like shit shit shithold onand sticks her shoulder and one of her knees above the waterthe water that until nowhas ACTIVELY BEEN PREVENTING HER FROM BREAKING THE SURFACEi guess it figures it’s fine if she breaks the surface as long as she suffers a lot while doing itthe ocean is a DICKbut not an actual dickalthough wouldn’t it be funnyif astronauts went to spaceand sent back the first aerial photographs of the earthand it turns out that all the oceans were shaped like dicks?man that would be CLASSICanyway Ilmatar is in an incredibly painful and awkward positionhaving to hold her shoulders and knee upwhile simultaneously treading water with her asscheeks probablyand the duck is like OH SHIT LANDand goes down and builds a fucking nest on her kneeand then lays some eggsand then sits on thembut meanwhile Ilmatar is like FUCK HOW MUCH LONGER IS THIS GOING TO TAKEWHAT DOES THIS DUCK HAVE TO DO WITH ME NOT BEING IN WATER ANYMORENOW I AM IN WATER AND ALSO UNCOMFORTABLE AND THERE ARE EGGS ON MY KNEEoh yeah also?the eggs are made of goldand one of themis made of IRONNOT THE BEST THING TO HAVE TO BALANCE ON YOUR FUCKING KNEE FOR SEVERAL MONTHSand so predictably she failsshe starts shaking her knee aroundand the nest explodesand all the eggs fall off and break in the oceanBUT IT’S OKAYBECAUSE THEY TURN INTO LAND FOR SOME REASONALSO HEAVENPROBLEM SOLVEDTOTALLY SHOULD’VE STARTED SHAKING YOUR KNEE AROUND EARLIER HUH ILMATAR

so now there’s landawesomenow Ilmatar can finally get out of the fucking water right?WRONGshe swims around for another like TWENTY YEARSjust making shitlike islands and fishholes and the marianas trenchwhich begs the questionWHY DIDN’T SHE DO THIS EARLIERWHAT WAS IT ABOUT BROKEN METAL DUCK EGGS THAT SUDDENLY MADE ALL THINGS POSSIBLEbut anyway then there’s this dude Wainamoinenwhose name i am now going to be saying over and over again ALL DAYESPECIALLY WHEN I GO TO THE POST OFFICE AND PEOPLE ARE STARING AT MEand Wainamoinen is either still in Ilmatar’s coochbagor imprisoned underground or something?the text is not clearbut if he’s still not born yetthen that makes him THIRTY YEARS OLD AT THIS POINTwhich is just straight up creepyi mean why would Ilmatar wanna keep a baby in her that long?did she just forget?do people forget things like that?but no matter where he isWainamoinen is pretty pissed offabout not being able to move around and do shitso he’s like HEYSUNHEYMOONHEYBEAR OF HEAVENholy shit there’s a bear of heaven?okay that must be Ursa Majorbut i prefer to think of it as just some fucking bearthat is running around all over the sky massacring everything and answering prayersas long as they are prayers to get MASSACREDbut yeah Wainamoinen is asking all these celestial motherfuckers to let him outand they just straight up ignore himso he’s like you know what fuck thisand just busts out on his ownand then swims around the ocean for a bunch of years super lostbut finally he finds some landand he’s like whoa shit there are trees and whatnotand he starts walking aroundand has a whole bunch more adventures probably and it’s great

so the moral of the story isyou are alone in the universei meanthe gods are therebut they are either not listeningor they think the solution to your problem is to throw incompetent ducks at youso you’re just gonna have to figure shit out on your own

So i was reading the newspaper this morningafter making myself the ULTIMATE SANDWICHbecause it was lunchtime actuallybut i had just woken up so it was MORNING FOR ME ASSHOLESanyway in the newspaper they were talking about some ethics nonsenseand someone said something likeblah blah blah younger generations are left holding the bagwhat the fuck does “left holding the bag” mean what’s in the bag?is it poop?is there poop in the bag?because if sowhy did the younger generation agree to hold it to begin with?ANYWAY HERE IS A VIDEO

all i’m sayingis if someone is like here hold this bag of poopand you TAKE IT FROM THEMYOU DESERVE WHATEVER HAPPENS NEXT

Fearful supplication to socialite necromancer Diablo Von Wormfeederfor the money necessary to tell this myth about some idiots

okay so Percival righthe’s riding around looking for the holy grailor just fucking up knights and saving damsels or whateverhonestly all these dudes have fucking ADD(except king Pellenor but that’s a totally different story)because they will be riding along doing their sworn missionwhen all of a sudden OH LOOK A CASTLEor OH WHAT IS THIS A DRAGONor LOOK ANOTHER GUY ON A HORSETHIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR:INDISCRIMINATE VIOLENCE!but back to the story at hand

see Percival may be a real strong dudeand he may have some really sweet armor now cuz he stole it from a dude he killedbut he is still a huge idiotand in fact he will always be a huge idiotthis is a non-negotiable aspect of his characterbut lo and behold here comes some knight called Sir Gornamontwho just has to go trying to make Percival LESS STUPID SOMEHOWhe’s like DUDEDUUUUUUDEyou have some sweet armor and everythingbut everyone can tell almost immediatelythat you fell out of the moron tree while trying to pick stupidberriesfor a dumbfuck casserolehere let me train you in some knight shit

OKAY SO RULE 1:don’t kill dudes who are unarmed or tell you not to kill themRULE 2:be nice to damselsRULE 3:don’t ask so many fucking questionsquestions are stupid and you are stupid for asking themand percival is like ok sounds goodand OFF HE GOES LOOKING FOR MORE TROUBLE

and of course he finds troubleall over the fucking placetrouble is everywhere in arthurian timesbut eventually he gets pretty tired from all the trouble all the fuck everywhereand he is like fuck i better find someplace to restso he gets to this river rightand there are some dudes fishing in the riverand they are like oh man sorry dudethere is no bridge for like a LOOOOONG waysbut you can totally stay at my castleit’s over that way

so percival starts ridingand he’s riding and riding and ridingand he’s like where the fuck is this castlebut then SUPRISEHERE IT ISso Percival goes insideand WHOATHERE’S THE FISHERMANSITTING AT THE HEAD OF THIS BIGASS TABLEHE IS THE KINGwhat the fuck how did he get here so fastand why didn’t he give percival a liftclearly there was some magic involvedare you telling me there was NO MAGIC TO SPARE?BULLSHITOLDE ENGLAND HAS GOT MAGIC COMING OUT ITS FUCKING EARSWHAT THE FUCK FISHER KING WAY TO TIRE OUT AN INNOCENT GOD-FEARING HORSEbut anyway the king is all laid up on a couch like mannni’m super injured dudehave been for a whilebut yeah sit down have some foodand no sooner does Percival sit downwhen some dude walks in with a bigass lanceand BLOOD IS FUCKING COMING OUT OF ITand Percival is thinking what the fuck is this shitbut he doesn’t say it because he remembers that QUESTIONS ARE FOR IDIOTSand then some chick struts in with a fancy ass gobletand Percival is thinking DOUBLE WTF 2X MAX POINTS COMBObut he doesn’t say SHITcause QUESTIONS ARE FOR IDIOTSand these fuckers fancyswagger all across the room THREE FUCKING TIMESand every time they doALL THE PLATES AND CUPS ON THE BIGASS TABLE FILL UPAND EVERYONE EATS FOODand Percival is thinking THERE ARE SO MANY FUCKS THAT I WANT TO KNOW THE WHATS OFbut still he stays TOTALLY GRAVE-ASS SILENTbecause QUESTIONSARE FORIDIOTSand then they finish eating and the fisher king is like alright well feeling pretty shitty cause of my grievous injuriesgonna hit the sacknight dudeand percival is like yeah for sureand then he passes outand wakes up in the morningand EVERYONE IS GONEbut at least his armor has been cleaned so that’s goodand he gets on his horseand he leaves the castleand the drawbridge goes up behind himand then he sees some chick standing around with a headless dude in her armslike BOO HOO HOO THIS GUY IS DEAD CAN YOU TELLand percival is like I WILL HELPand the chick is like orlycan you reattach severed heads because that is basically the only solution hereand Percival is like well shitguess not thenand the chick is like PSyou are an assholeif you had asked even one question during that feastthe king would have been totally healedbecause that cup?THAT WAS THE HOLY GRAILand that lanceapparently stabbed christ in the nuts so WAY TO GO ASSHOLE WAY TO FIND THE GRAIL AND THEN JUST FUCKING FAIL ON ALL COUNTS

so percival goes back to Camelot all sad-likeand tells arthur about this shitand then some ugly bitch shows up like HEYPERCIVALIN CASE YOU FORGOT ALREADYYOU FUCKED UPWHY DIDN’T YOU ASK ANY FUCKING QUESTIONSand percival is like holy shit i get it okhow about i go back out and find the stupid grail againhow about thathow about i find it and then i’ll ask a FUCKTON of questionshow does that soundwill you fucking stop bothering me if I do that?and the old chick is like sure whateverand Percival does actually eventually find the grailbut i’m pretty sure he doesn’t ask any fucking questionsso there goes that promise

anyway the moral of the storyis if you see a bunch of weird shit going onand you have no idea what that shit isit’s probably the holy grailso fuck asking questionsjust take that shit