Sunday, March 18, 2012

Self-less-ness

Spent Friday evening and Saturday with my dad again.
As we were sitting after eating some soup that we made together, I realized that this time with my dad is when I am the least selfish.
I know I am a selfish person...working on it, but still not there, except, it seems, when I am at dad's.

When I am there I don't have any plans. I don't care what we watch on TV. I don't care how many times he tells me the same thing. I don't try to organize things or be in charge in anyway.

I am there.
I sit with him.
I listen if he wants to talk.

This time he told me a sweet story of the day I was born. He was still in college and had a speech to give in class that exact day.
He was at the hospital, got to say hello to me and then raced back to class. When the professor was explaining about who would be giving their speeches when, he finished by saying, that is how it was going to be unless someone had a VERY good reason for it to be different. Dad said he figured he should give it a shot, so he explained that his little girl had just been born and he wanted to get back to the hospital. The professor decided that was a VERY good reason. Dad went first and came back to hold me.

Self-less-ness.
It didn't even hurt.
My heart was full.

And I can't imagine doing any of this without my hero of a husband there beside me.

This is so sweet Donna and I don't believe for one second that you have a selfish ANYTHING in you.

I don't want my parents to get old. I can't imagine life here without them. When I see them lately, it seems they are aging faster and faster...... It's hard seeing the ones who have been strong and who have carried me for so many years getting fragile........ Sigh...... I don't like it one bit!

No. Not one thing to like about it at all.He did say one thing that was so sad. He said, "I used to be somebody, but I don't remember who." I wanted to tell him he was my dad...still...today and forever, but with the near deafness, by the time I could make him understand that, he would be wondering why I was telling him....

Breaks my heart...... and yet........ he'll always have these memories. They are buried maybe but he'll have these memories forever and when you both are on the other side he will appreciate and love you all the more for the time you are taking to visit him......

There's a lot here. I know what you mean - you step into that world, and you don't matter; you become a part of the stream and the tide and the breeze. What he said? About used to be someone? I resonate with that - not that I feel it myself over-all right now, but in little bits. Look back at what used to be so important, at humps I thought were hills to die on, and I just don't see them the same way anymore - I think that's part of it, when the pride and the drive and the acquisition all burn off. In the end, it's what you are that you are left with from minute to minute, and then even that gets changed as the systems shut down or morph to adapt. Weird.

It's kinda like I've felt in the few times I've gone in for surgery though - you know that something's happening to you, going to happen - but you can't do anything about it, so you open your hands and let go of your orientation and just have to float -

But it's kind of nice to float for a little in someone else's world, doing the simple work of accommodating them rather than managing. And slowing down isn't such a bad thing once in a while.

It is actually rather peaceful, the coming along side and accommodating rather than managing.And it doesn't bother me that he isn't exactly who he used to be as long as he is comfortable being who he is right now. Really, that is probably the most any of us can ask for...to be comfortable being who we are, well, in the midst of becoming who God knows us to be...in the final winnowing. Hmmm, then I wonder who we will be on the other side...God's picture of us or our picture of us....hmmm. Something else to think about.

Often the way we view ourselves and the way others view us don't jive. Your unselfish heart is one of the things I love about you Donna. I know that we are all self seeking and need to die to self but don't go thinking that your dad is the only one seeing this in you. You share it with me every time I visit!

A Peek...

I believe that God is a creator God and that because I am created in His image, I am also a creator. I am about to embark on a MAJOR creative endeavor-homebuilding! Me, my little husband, 1 big dog and 3 cats.
I am looking forward to joy in the journey...come and join me!