Bruno

I'm bawling my eyes out, fearing Monday's prognosis that I waited too long to take him to the vet, and he's gone into kidney failure. I'm told I shouldn't beat myself up about it, but what was I thinking, letting him suffer an entire day and night, when I could see he could barely walk yesterday morning? So today I decided to take him in, and felt that previous care he received at Providence Vet Clinic in Alameda was ambivalent—I wasn't going back. I took him to Dr. Boado at Blue Cross Veterinary Clinic (for those of you in the East SF Bay) on 150th in San Leandro. He had great reviews on Yelp, and the place was hopping. Later I discovered he was a student of my father's and my mother's classmate (this is the 2nd occurrence of this nature, what're the chances?). My father assured me Bruno was in good hands and that everything that could be done for him would be.

I feel even more lame now, being the offspring of not one but two veterinarians, and having a catastrophic illness myself—how could I let my best friend and loved one suffer so? I must be not just blind and idiotic, but also self-centered and callous. Now the poor guy is hospitalized and I just want to meditate and pray hard enough to breach the other dimensions to communicate my love and ask him to fight for his life. He was so far gone, and I didn't head it off by seeking information or doing what most people would do, which is go in at the first sign of abnormal behavior. He'd snapped back so many times before, but this was new, and actually worse than anything I'd witnessed. How could I be so slow to act?

Those of you with cats, please check this site (www.felinecrf.com)(for some reason the link button isn't on the toolbar using Safari) out so you'll recognize the symptoms of renal failure before it's too late. It's pretty thorough and believe me, Bruno exhibited every listed symptom except one.

He's about 14, not sure when he was born. I rescued him when he was around a year old—long story which will be another post. I'm willing to give him subcutaneous hydration once a week and hand-feed him, if he would have a good quality of life for a little while longer. You may think I'm mad, and people have said when they die they want to be reincarnated as my cat, he's so spoiled. But Bruno predates everything in my present life. He was with me when I was crazy and single with just enough energy for one guy–him. He's made every move like a champ, accepted the right man when I found him, sniffed out many good and bad hotel rooms, and cheered me up in my darkest hour. He is my child, my constant companion, my never-ending source of unconditional love, affection, devotion and strength. It's possible, if renal failure isn't total, for them to continue living a good life for a few years longer (with proper care).

Ok, the tears are blinding me now. My tea grows cold with the room, darkness falls within and without. It is irony that I should make it to the New Year (at least I think I will) and he might not. I'd been thinking about it, what the impact might be if he went before me. It didn't seem likely. Now I harbor thoughts of having him cremated so our ashes can be scattered together when I go. I know, this sounds like the kind of thing people say about their spouses or soul mates or whatever, and indeed, Bruno IS my soul mate. I'm pretty sure we'd be married if he were human. No, I wouldn't mind his slightly crossed, pale blue eyes. Maybe I'm getting punchy from 2 nights without sleep. Just shoot me.

Sigh. And that's not the only thing that's cropped up this holiday season….