‘Scream Queens’: Pack your baggage

So Nick Jonas is just out wandering around in public, albeit in a bad fake beard and wig, pretending to be a Joaquin Phoenix art project, and openly talking on the phone to the other Red Devil about their plan to kill Gigi. It’s always been about the two of them, he reminds whomever is on the other end of the phone — who is not Zayday, because he asks whomever it is he’s talking to if they’ve spoken to her lately. So scratch Zayday off your suspects list. (OR SHOULD YOU?)

When his beard falls off, for reasons, Chanel #3 just happens to be there to see him, and decides that he must be the ghost of Dead Nick Jonas back to kill her for not wanting him to be the gay Kappa. And Nick Jonas is like, “Sure, we’ll go with that.”

Oh, and also, we can strike Chanel #3 off our suspect list, too, I guess. (OR CAN WE?)

At the Kappa House, Chanel shows off the Native American costume she’s planning on wearing to Chad’s family’s Thanksgiving to the other Chanels, as Thanksgiving is obviously a costume holiday. She explains that Chad presented her with a silver wishbone necklace, the traditional Radwell invitation to the family dinner, and that every woman who receives one gets an engagement ring by Christmas. In flashback, Chad explains that there was this one girl who his father was dating whom he did not give a wishbone necklace, so she hung herself on the family property and now their house is super haunted. (OH IS IT?) Anyway, the point is, Chanel doesn’t even care of this is the last night of Kappa, because she successfully used the sorority for its express purpose: to marry rich. BYE SINGLE LOSERS.

Elsewhere in the house, Grace pouts about her stupid dad and stupid Gigi and how she’s going to spend stupid Thanksgiving investigating the stupid murders some more. Instead, Zayday invites her to come to Oakland with her so as to avoid being stabbed in the face by a team of serial killers.

Meanwhile, the Chanels pack Chanel’s things, which is when Chanel #3 blurts out that she saw the ghost of dead Nick Jonas. The other Chanels are like, “Pfft, whatever, ghosts aren’t real.” But Chanel #3 is insistent, so Officer Denise takes the Chanels over to the fireplace to tell them ghost stories because of some weird idea that the only way to become less scared is to become more scared?

Officer Denise begins by telling them a Japanese story about the “kappa,” a ghost that lives in the sewer and waits in toilets to grab girls by the vagina and drown them in raw sewage. When this freaks everyone out, Officer Denise then tells them another bathroom ghost story: this one called “The Red Cloak” in which a Japanese bathroom ghost forces a pee-er to choose between rolls of red toilet paper and blue toilet paper. If the user choses red, it slits the victim’s throat; if they choose blue, the Japanese bathroom ghost strangles them.

The Chanels — all but Neckbrace — squeal and run away, terrified of a dumb Japanese bathroom ghost story.

Over at the Dollar Scholar House, Chad is packing for the holiday when Ghost Nick Jonas shows up and is like, “Heeeeeey, I’m a ghost, don’t worry about the logistics. Say, can I borrow your date shirt, I want to take Zayday out for a nice dinner and stuff.” When Chad reminds Ghost Nick Jonas that he’s super gay, Ghost Nick Jonas explains that, yes, he is, but if he has sex with Zayday, he gets to stay here on Earth. Hasn’t he ever heard the term, ‘once you go black, you never go back?’

Chad and his mind at this moment.

Back at the Kappa house, Officer Denise is using the bathroom where she is presented with a roll of red toilet paper and a roll of blue toilet paper because the other Red Devil is obviously Neckbrace and she has no original ideas. Officer Denise contemplates her options when the Red Devil jumps into her stall with her. Fight fight struggle fight, and Officer Denise manages to escape.

So the first thing she does, obviously, is lock herself and the Chanels into Chanel’s room and demand that someone tell her a ghost story.

Neckbrace tells the old nugget wherein a young woman is driving alone at night when she hears a report that a meat-hooked lunatic has escaped the local mental institution. Just then a truck races up behind her, blaring its horn and flashing its brights. Terrified, she pulls into a gas station for help, and the truck driver follows, explaining he wasn’t trying to scare her, but there was someone in her backseat with a meat hook, and every time he honked and flashed his lights, it stopped him from attacking her. But when they check the backseat, it’s empty — the killer escaped.

Chanel #5 further freaks out and stomps out of the room.

Meanwhile, Zayday is assisted in her packing by Earl Grey, who reminds her that they haven’t actually kissed yet. So they finally make that happen, but before things go any further, Earl Grey stops the action to go back to his house to retrieve his robe, lotions, champagne and chocolate-covered strawberries. And that’s when Ghost Nick Jonas climbs through Zayday’s window and explains he wants to have ghost sex with Zayday. Zayday is like, “Yeah, but I don’t believe in ghosts, so I am guessing you faked your death.” That’s when Grace walks in and Zayday points out to her the fork scar on his hand from where she stabbed him the time he kidnapped her and held her in his torture basement. Grace and Zayday try to grab Ghost Nick Jonas, but he falls out the window before they can drag him … somewhere. However, when they look out the window — he’s gone. (OR IS HE?)

Earl Grey returns to Kappa house, berobed and belotioned, only to be stabbed in the back by the Red Devil, who reveals himself to be Nick Jonas. OH HAI! I CAN HAZ UR GIRLFRIEND?

R.I.P. Earl Grey. Guess you weren’t one of the Red Devils after all. (Sorry for suspecting you.)

Elsewhere, Chanel #5, having had perfectly enough of this nonsense, FINALLY packs her things and begins to drive home when suddenly there is a truck tailgating her, blaring its horn and flashing its brights. When she pulls over, the truck driver is like, “weren’t you listening to the ghost story, like five minutes ago? There’s someone in the back of your car with a machete..” but before they can do anything about this, the Red Devil pops up behind the truck driver and stabs him in the back with said machete, giving Chanel #5 enough time to get back into her car and drive back to campus.

R.I.P. Truck Driver. You were braver and smarter than literally anyone else on this dumb show.

Chad continues to pack, this time interrupted by Neckbrace who has been restored to her neckbrace (albeit, a bedazzled one), who demands to know why she’s not the one going home with him for Thanksgiving. Chad points out five obvious reasons:

She farted during sex.

Her neckbrace suggests she has bum genes.

Her breath smells like cheeseburgers.

She has a poo belly.

Chanel is loaded.

A DOY.

Neckbrace promises that they will just wait and see who he brings home for Thanksgiving, making Chad agree because the “arrow of time flows in one direction causing future events to flow inexorably towards us.” Chad needs his own show. I love him. I LOVE YOU, CHAD.

At the Kappa house, Zayday mourns Earl Grey for five seconds, while Chanel #5 whines that no one is paying attention to her amazing story about the murderer in her backseat. Grace comes to the obvious conclusion that Nick Jonas is one of the Red Devils, which sets Chanel #3 off about ghosts, and she demands a ghost story. And that’s when Neckbrace stomps in and announces that she has the scariest story of all. It’s about a girl who could never fit in, no matter how popular she became, so she screwed the popular girl’s boyfriend to wreak vengeance and NOW NECKBRACE IS PREGNANT WITH CHAD RADWELL, JR.

Chad is STILL packing when Chanel interrupts him to ask if it’s true that Neckbrace is pregnant, and he’s like, “Welp, probably. Now I guess I’m going to have to marry her even though she has cheeseburger breath.” Chanel, understandably unhappy at this turn of events, threatens that Chad will pay “the ultimate price,” prompting Chad to ask if she’s the killer. “Guess we’ll see.” Chanel promises before leaving.

Chanel returns to the Kappa house where she apologizes to Chanels #3 & #5 for taking their sisterhood for granted, which she now knows is the only thing a sorority is good for. Chanel #5 is not so quick to accept the apology, pointing out all the horrible pranks Chanel has played on her, like emailing her from her mother’s account to tell Chanel #5 she had fetal alcohol syndrome and an IQ in the 60s. But the other Chanels urge her to get over it, they’re still sisters. And now that’s settled, they have to come up with a way to kill Neckbrace. When Chanel #5 points out that this makes Chanel the killer, Chanel #3 explains that it makes Chanel “a” killer, not “the” killer. Chanel explains that Neckbrace has to die so that she can reclaim her spot at Chad’s Thanksgiving table and be back on track for the only thing that the sorority is good for: landing a wealthy husband.

Detective Incompetent comes to the Kappa house with Dean Munsch to explain they have a sketch artist working on a drawing of Nick Jonas — even though they have 50 photos of him — and in the meantime, he’s brought in a paranormal investigator to try to contact Earl Grey. At this, Zayday has had ENOUGH, and tells Dean Munsch that Earl Grey’s blood is on her hands for not doing anything sooner. As Grace and Zayday storm upstairs, Dean Munsch explains to Detective OutofHisDepth that she agrees with Zayday, before informing him that she’s having him removed from the case and his job and dismissing him altogether.

Dean Munsch then goes upstairs and half apologizes before revealing to Grace and Zayday what we already knew: that there were twins born in that bathtub, and they were taken away that night by the only girl in the Kappa house who had a shred of humanity.

So how did they end up in an institution with Gigi? Grace asks because she’s a moron. Literally, just the dumbest character ever.

At some swanky apartment? hotel room? I don’t know, Nick Jonas complains to the second Red Devil about Zayday rejecting his advances when Gigi arrives. She complains that between not killing Zayday, and now having an all-point bulletin out for his arrest, Nick Jonas is single-handedly ruining their 20-year revenge plan. But Nick Jonas isn’t having it, and explains that he has done all the heavy lifting on this plot, pretending to be gay, learning how to slow his breath and heart rate, infiltrating the Dollar Scholars, &c. And no matter how much she might pretend, Gigi is not their mother, and they are done taking orders from her. And that’s when the other Red Devil stabs Nick Jonas in the heart to his great surprise.

R.I.P. Nick Jonas. For reals this time.

Back at the Kappa house, Chanel generously opens her closet to Neckbrace and offers her a spread of sushi, unpasteurized cheese and tobacco champagne, all of which Neckbrace enthusiastically enjoys. When Chanel points out this suggests Neckbrace isn’t actually pregnant, Neckbrace shrugs that, in fact, she isn’t, but she is still going to Thanksgiving with Chad, where she will have ample opportunity to become pregnant. And with that, Neckbrace heads down the stairs.

Chanel follows, and at the top of the stairs, she tells Neckbrace she’s sorry she’s had to go through life as an outcast, drawing Neckbrace back up towards her. As Neckbrace gets closer, Chanel insists that she knew from the moment she walked into Kappa, Neckbrace would be the one to take everything from Chanel, which Neckbrace actually believes for a hot second. And that’s when Chanel shoves Neckbrace down the stairs to her death (OR WAS IT). With that, Chanel instructs the other Chanels to help her get Neckbrace into the meat locker.

SUSPECT LIST

Neckbrace: If the killers are the twin bathtub babies, it’s Hester, right? It has to be. That just makes sense. Of course she’s “dead” but we all know she’s not really dead. (I suspect her neckbrace will be the thing that saved her in the fall.) She’ll show up in the Hamptons to haunt Chanel and the Radwells like Mr. Radwell’s dead ex-girlfriend. The only point not in favor of her being the killer is that in the scene with Nick Jonas and Gigi, the second Red Devil seemed awfully tall and not a little brawny.

Pete: He wasn’t in this episode, so really the only reason I’m including him here is that physically he was the same build as the second Red Devil. But he doesn’t have the motive, so.

Zayday: Since Nick Jonas was talking about her to the Red Devil, the only way this works is if there is a third Red Devil running around independent of the other two. This is unlikely.

Chanel #3: Similarly, we know that Nick Jonas was on the phone with the second Red Devil when he ran into Chanel #3, so she’s probably not the other killer.

Chanel #5: I don’t think she is the killer, but I do find it incredibly suspicious that she managed to slip out of danger yet again.

Chad: He is not the killer.

Chanel: She is not the killer.

Earl Grey.

Oh, and Gigi is totally going to be the “dead” bathtub mother, you guys. I’m calling it.

Who do you think the murderer on Scream Queens is/are? (Choose up to 3)

SCREAM QUEENS: Pictured L-R: Billie Lourd as Chanel #3, Emma Roberts as Chanel Oberlin and Abigail Breslin as Chanel #5 in "Pilot," the first part of the special, two-hour series premiere of SCREAM QUEENS ... more