Hi everybody! This is my first Fanfic so please don't be too hard on me. This is a story I came up with myself, it's not really based off of any exsisting things, (that I know of ). Yes, it may contain some violence so I think i should rate it PG-13. I've only written fully the Prolouge, which I will post now, but I'm halfway through the first chapter. So here it is, enjoy! I hope : (

Prolouge

This story takes place in a world very different from yours and mine. In this world when children turn 13 years of age they are take, by their mother and father, to the Den of the Guardians to find their own Guardian who will be a companion to them and will protect them all of their life. As you grow, emotionally and physically, your Guardian grows as well, and what you feel your Guardian feels. You have no idea what your Guardian will be, only the Diety knows and only the Diety decides which Guardian is yours. Now we go to Timothy, who is about to recieve his Guardian. But young Timothy has no idea of the unexpected adventure and anguish soon to befall him.

End of Prolouge

P.S. I don't mean for the Diety to be in any way, shape or form a religious matter so please don't bring it up.

EDIT: I finished Chapter 1 so here it is.

Chapter One: The Beginning

The Den of the Guardians was a magnificent place. It was a huge cave with a small, wide staircase leading up to a platform with a glorious blue light shining down on it. There were many gold pillars throughout the Den, and on the pillars there where all sorts of animals and any creature you could imagine. Timothy was shaking all over, he was nervous, he was sweating, and worst of all his parents were watching him. “Now Tim, it’s okay if you’re nervous. When my mom brought me here I could hardly bear it,” said the comforting voice of his mother. “But as soon as my Guardian was here it all just melted away.” She said as if she were finished. “Yeah, I am pretty magnificent aren’t I?” a brawny voice spoke. Timothy recognized it as his mother’s Guardian Tucker, a white Bengal tiger. “Oh shush now Tucker you’re so full of yourself.” sassed Timothy’s mother. Timothy’s dad then spoke. “Okay Son it looks like the Deity’s ready for you now.” Timothy looked up at the platform the light had changed colors from blue to white. Timothy said nothing but slowly began to walk up the steps. Then a deep voice spoke, “Timothy Turner Blake are you prepared to meet your Guardian?” “I-I think I am.” Timothy stuttered. “Then come forth…Rire (Ry-ray).” A blinding flash fell over the Den of Guardians. Soon Timothy could see again, and what he saw amazed him. Right in front of him was his Guardian, a sleek and beautiful snow leopard. “Wow,” said Timothy almost inaudibly “Hello my name’s Timothy.” He then said to the leopard. “Hello Timothy my name’s Rire.” The leopard spoke back to him in a female voice. You see most people’s Guardians are the opposite gender as the person. This snow leopard wasn’t fully grown yet and it wasn’t a kitten. Timothy walked down the steps back to his parents and Rire followed. “Oh she’s just wonderful!” said Timothy’s mom joyously. “It looks like you got a mix of your mother’s Guardian and my Guardian.” Timothy’s dad then said. Timothy’s dad’s Guardian was a normal spotted leopard. “Umm not to be rude Tom,” began Timothy’s dad’s Guardian “But I think we’d best be going. I think the Deity is getting restless.” “Yes, let’s all be going then.” said Timothy’s mom’s Guardian. All of them quickly scurried out of the cave Tom and Martha, Tucker and Lily, and Timothy and Rire.

Welcome to the Library, I'm happy to say you're not on my i"nstant irritant" list (i.e. you actually use proper grammar). I just barely skimmed it, don't be offended it's what I typically do, but it doesn't look like there are many (if any) style issues which are what I focus on when critiquing. There are a few bad things to go over...

One, you clearly didn't read the rules. If you had, you would have known you're not supposed to start a new story until you've written three chapters. Granted, if you know, for sure, you're not going to drop the story then we're a little bit more forgiving. The real purpose of that rule is to encourage people to stick to their stories.

Second, you've done what shouldn't be done (as told by many proffessional writers and avid fantasy/sci fi readers). You've made the setting prologue. Basically, they're bad and kill a story before it starts...my advice is to not do it in the future. If you don't want to take my word for it, read How to Write Science Fiction and Fantasy by Orson Scott Card.

_________________

Link changed to my library.

Fri Dec 14, 2007 2:43 pm

Thunder_dude7

Pokemon Ranger

Joined: Mon Aug 20, 2007 7:17 amPosts: 508

hehe...I remember when Crimson reccomended that exact book to me when I made a prolouge like that. Remember, you have to explain these things through dialog. You also should know that you should begin a new paragraph when a person speaks. Like this:

Quote:

Sara cheerfully skipped through the field, smiling at its beuty.

"Sara! Look at that hawk!" Jenny said, running up to her.

There are a multitude of grammatical mistakes as well (no offense)

Most of them involve commas. One is the direct address comma. Look:

Quote:

Timothy Turner Blake are you prepared to meet your Guardian?

Another small issue:

Quote:

Then come forth…Rire (Ry-ray)

Putting the pronounciation next to the name is a big no-no.

It should look like this:

Quote:

Timothy Turner Blake, are you prepared to meet your Guardian?

You repeat that mistake many times. There are also times when a sentence should be two sentences.

Joined: Sat May 26, 2007 10:00 amPosts: 189Location: I'm not telling you! Why do you want to know anyways?...Are you a stalker?!

It's alright, a few grammatical mistakes and like somebody previously mentioned you should always start a new paragraph when somebody new speaks. Overall I would say continue but,I have a strange feeling of deja-vu. I could have sworn that I read something like this a while ago,thought I can't remember what it was called. *goes to search* AH! here it is His Dark Materials, that series is a very close resemblence to what you have written. I'm sure you aren't intentionaly copying someone else's work but be careful anyways.

Sorry about the rant,continue.

_________________People ask me why I do all these wierd things.I tell them I have a heart of a little boy, which I keep in my desk.

Once there was a man who ate a poisonous grapefruit and died.The moral of the story:DON'T EAT POISON GRAPEFRUIT!!

I reject your reality and substitute my own.

Sun Dec 16, 2007 2:06 pm

The Obsidian Wolf

Pokemon Master

Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2006 12:03 amPosts: 1559Location: Dragon's Den

Hm, this is ever so like His Dark Materials. The fact that it's a snow leopard just seems to accentuate this idea..

The fact that you have a deity that's 'not-meant-to-be-but-really-is' is parallel to 'The Authority' of His Dark Materials. I've not finished the third book yet, but it does bare a very close resemblace to what you're writing about. The fact it's a guardian, and the focus on the opposite gender idea...

It's good, but it needs a plot. Not really much here that grabs the reader's attention, other than the obscure idea that's sadly already been done.

His Dark Materials huh? I've never heard of it. Anyway sorry for the delay
and the unintentional similarity. It's getting closer to Christmas as we speak so less and less time to work on the story. So here's Chapter 2 (where the story starts to pick up a little)

Chapter 2: Panic

The morning after Timothy had received his Guardian, Timothy ran down the steps from his bedroom, fully dressed, into the kitchen. He saw a bowl of cereal in front of the chair which he usually sat in for breakfast. Then he pulled out the chair and inhaled the cereal faster than you could say Bob’s your uncle and Becky’s your aunt. Timothy was very excited, for today was his swordsmanship class with Master Aaron and his first swordsmanship class with Rire. Timothy then put on a small overcoat and began to open the door.

“Honey, aren’t you forgetting something?” Martha asked. Who was standing at the sink doing dishes.

“Oh right.” Timothy walked back to the table and drank his glass of orange juice.

“No Tim, I mean Rire.” Said Martha

“Oh,” said Timothy in a relived voice “Rire! Come on down, it’s time for swordsmanship class with Master Aaron!” shouted Timothy. Rire took her time coming down the steps.

She mumbled something like, “Can’t a cat get two minutes rest ‘round here?”

“Don’t worry Rire, you’ll like Master Aaron. He was a High Knight in the Great War,” Timothy said encouragingly “Bye mum, bye dad, bye Tucker, bye Lily. I’ll see you all in one hour.”

Timothy ran out the door, Rire close behind him.

“Tim, not to be a bother, but where does this Master Aaron live?” Rire asked

“Just up the road a bit, in the castle. He serves the king; he was a High Knight in the Great War. Did I mention that already?” Timothy seemed to be blubbering

Rire just shrugged. Timothy and Rire where now only just outside the castle. They walked up some steps to two large wooden doors, with large golden knockers. Timothy opened the door, without knocking, and proceeded inside. The main area where the two stood was a spacious, circular, room with suits of armor around the circumference. There where many doors, one could very easily get lost. Timothy walked quickly over to door with a statue of an eagle above it, he knew it lead to the training grounds in the back. He went outside and breathed the fresh clean air. In the middle of a circle ring stood a tall man with black hair much like Timothy’s, he had a stern face, Timothy didn’t know his exact age but guessed he was in his 40s. It was Master Aaron. Next to him, on four legs, was a black bear, this was his Guardian, Urious.

“Well this calls for a change of plans, today we’ll be working on fighting alongside your Guardian,” said Master Aaron. “Now, what’s her name?”

“Rire.” Timothy replied

“Timothy, do you know how far you have progressed in the past few years?” asked Master Aaron

“No, I don’t.” replied Timothy

“You’ve progressed far, and now that you have a Guardian you’re only a few steps away from your Knighting ceremony.” Said Master Aaron

“Really!? I know I’ve been taking classes for about three or four years, and I know how too handle bows, lances, and swords, but I thought I had much longer too go!” Timothy exclaimed excitedly.

“Yes, but with great honor comes great responsibility. Okay then, Rire and Timothy, today you’ll be fighting against me and Urious. But! Before you retort, I’ll let you choose your weapon. I hope you’ll make the correct decision.” said Master Aaron

“Okay, I think I know what to take… a lance.” said Timothy unsurely.

“Alright then.” said Master Aaron picking up a sword. He then threw a lance to Timothy.

“Wait a moment; aren’t we going too wear armor?” Timothy asked

“No, of course not. You’ve got to be prepared for anything Timothy.” said Master Aaron rather seriously.

He then jabbed at Timothy with his sword. Timothy jumped to his left, knocking over Rire.

“Hey!” Rire yelled

“Well, don’t just sit there. Do something!” Timothy yelled back.

Apparently, Rire listened she jumped toward Urious with her teeth bared. Urious roared at Rire and got up on her hind legs. Meanwhile, Timothy and Master Aaron where head to head. Slashing and rolling and jumping all around.

“You’re missing the point here, Timothy. Work together!” Master Aaron said

Timothy charged at Urious lance tip forward, when suddenly he stumbled and fell, face first, to the ground. As quick as a flash Master Aaron’s sword tip was in Timothy’s face and Urious’ paws lay pressed against Rire.

“I’m very disappointed in you, Timothy…” Master Aaron kept talking but Timothy’s attention was not focused on Master Aaron but at the sky. The sky was an extremely dark purple and dark figures seemed to be falling from the sky.

“Sir, I mean no disrespect but what’s happening to the sky?” asked Timothy as he pointed toward the sky.

Well, it's certainly picked up the pace, and it's nicely written. Ending on a cliff hanger is neat too, I'm looking forward to the next one.

Just one point;

Quote:

“Yes, but with great honor comes great responsibility.

That seems mega familiar. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you copied it, I just want to know what I'm remembering it from. It's either a book or a film....argh, it's tearing me up inside!!!

Oh, and why the hell am I imagining Luxray instead of a snow leopard?

That's a point, another thing:

Quote:

“Honey, aren’t you forgetting something?” Martha asked. Who was standing at the sink doing dishes.

“Oh right.” Timothy walked back to the table and drank his glass of orange juice.

“No Tim, I mean Rire.” Said Martha

I understand the idea of it is all rather new and stuff, but I just thought that it would have been a novelty enough to make him so hyper about it that he wouldn't have forgotten it at all, know what I mean?

Oh, and lances, ftw. Good choice.

(My name's Timothy too, funnily enough. Funny old world. )

_________________

"Play with fire and expect to be burned."

Wed Dec 19, 2007 2:05 pm

Diamond55000

Dragon Tamer

Joined: Sat May 26, 2007 10:00 amPosts: 189Location: I'm not telling you! Why do you want to know anyways?...Are you a stalker?!

Not bad at all, it's starting to get intresting. You seem to forget periods at the end of sentences thought, and your first sentence should have a period at the end of Gaurdian otherwise it looks like a run on.

Quote:
“Yes, but with great honor comes great responsibility.
I believe that is from Spiderman,and you should take it out. The phrase doesn't really fit in, it looks far too awkward to me.

Master Aaron kept talking but Timothy’s attention was not focused on Master Aaron but at the sky. The sky was an extremely dark purple and dark figures seemed to be falling from the sky
You used "the sky" way too much in this one sentence. A feeling of awkwardness was present again, perhaps you could reword it?

Oh,and continue,as always.

_________________People ask me why I do all these wierd things.I tell them I have a heart of a little boy, which I keep in my desk.

Once there was a man who ate a poisonous grapefruit and died.The moral of the story:DON'T EAT POISON GRAPEFRUIT!!

I'm so, so, sorry it took so long, you know I just haven't had much time too work on it what with Christmas and New Years already. But since those are done already hopefully I'll have more time too work on the story. Without further ado here is chapter three.

Chapter 3: Axrathor

“Urious, come we must go and alert the king immediately!” shouted Master Aaron

“Sir, could you please take a moment to explain what’s going on here?” Timothy asked

“No, Timothy, I sorry I don’t have the time right now. Urious and I must go see King Adlebren.” He said as he began to walk away.

“At least let me come with you!” Timothy shouted at Master Aaron, for he was at the door that led into the king’s throne room. Master Aaron, obviously, didn’t hear him. So he decided to tag along anyway, just secretly. Timothy walked out of the ring, and a few feet past the door to the circular room that lead to many other rooms. Timothy then quietly tiptoed through the door that Master Aaron had walked through. This room wasn’t too large, there where several, silver pillars placed horizontally only the sides of the room opposite to the king’s throne. Timothy and Rire took no time hiding behind a few of them. They could just barely hear the king and Master Aaron talking.

“…as we have feared my Lord she’s sent her armies to attempt to wipe us out, just like her mother did fifteen years ago,” Said Master Aaron “and this time it seems much worse.” He was down on one knee with his head bowed.

“Why would Amethyst do such a thing? I know her mother was quite the rotten apple but we destroyed her and her armies in the Great War,” said King Adlebren worriedly. “We aren’t prepared for another war. This is horrible just horrible.”

Just then the door straight ahead of the king opened, and Urious came in, and whisper something in Master Aaron’s ear. She then sat, sadly next to Master Aaron.

“I’m afraid I have terrible news, my King,” said Master Aaron “It seems as though someone has stolen the dark crystal which gave Queen Renoir the power to nearly destroy us in the Great War.”

“What how could this happen?! I thought we had powerful mages on guard down there.” The King was angry, yet also very, very afraid.

“Well it seems the young girl apprentice who was down there last night was kidnapped and the other mages went looking for her. That must have been when it was stolen.” said Master Aaron

“Well, someone is going to have to get the crystal back and have to find this girl.” said the King

“But, your highness, what will we do about the chaos here and now? The whole city is in a panic. Queen Amethyst’s forces are raining down from the sky as we speak!” Master Aaron said.

“Send all the women and young children into the mountain shelter on the south end of town, and have every able man and boy in armor and swords and ready to fight. Then send a small party of some of the best men to look for the other Sage Crystals, they’re our last hope.” said King Adlebren.

“Yes, my lord.” Master Aaron said. He and Urious then exited out the door where Urious had entered.

“Rire!” Timothy whispered to Rire “I’m not prepared to fight in a war, I’m only 13!”

“Well then, what do you propose we do?” Rire asked

“I think…we should flee into the forests to the north and take mum and dad with us.” said Timothy.

He quietly tiptoed back out to the training area. He looked up at the sky; it was still purple and black figures falling down from it. Timothy and Rire headed back to the circular ring.

“I don’t think Master Aaron would mind if I ‘borrowed’ his sword temporarily.” Timothy said as he walked into the weapons shack.

The shack was not too big but there where swords, and lances, and bows all over. But in a glass case there lay a glorious sword Master Aaron said to be crafted by the Sages themselves. It was engraved with markings only interpreters could ever read there where several diamonds incrusted into the hand guard and from the bottom of the blade to the tip it was a shining pale blue. Timothy opened the case and took the sword out and put it in his sheath on his belt. Then he grabbed a lance “Just in case I need it.” he thought and walked out of the shack. Outside it was now extremely fogy, Timothy could barely see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly there was a terrible snake-like shriek.

“Look out!” shouted an unknown male voice.

Timothy fell to the ground. Someone had pushed him. The fog was so thick he couldn’t tell what had knocked him down. He tried to get back up but the voice spoke to him again.

“No, stay down! I’ll handle this.” said the voice

Several noises filled Timothy’s ears slashes, growls, tackles, it sounded as if a fight was going on. Timothy could see nothing. Quite suddenly, there was another shriek followed by silence. Two small, yellow lights appeared in front of Timothy. They grew brighter and brighter revealing the silhouette of a dragon no larger than Rire. Timothy saw that these lights where penetrating the fog slowly but surely. Timothy could see the dragon more clearly now, he was a sapphire blue, a golden horn atop his head, the scales running along his back also gold, and a broad tan underside. As the fog began to clear more Timothy saw a creature, sprawled on the ground, which looked like what could only be described as a snake woman. Blood spattered on a dark green cloak that she wore, cuts all along her body. It didn’t take an expert too know she was dead.

“Did you kill that thing?” Timothy asked the dragon shakily.

“Yes, I did. But if I hadn’t she’d have killed you and your Guardian.” The dragon replied

“Who are you? What are you doing here? What is that thing? How do you know about Rire? W-What? Who? How?” Timothy kept asking questions

“I’ll answer one of your questions now but the rest must wait. My name is Axrathor.” He said

“Axrathor? That sounds like a Guardian’s name. Not to mention you’re a dragon. So who’s your master?” Timothy asked

“You will meet my mistress in time, and your other questions will be answered as well. My mistress is very wise, you see,” Axrathor said “She sent me out to find food, instead I found you. Now we must report back to her, I think you may be the ones Sage’s Prophecy speaks of. My mistress is temporarily living in a small clearing in the woods north of here.”

They walked for several minutes passing through the dark, gloomy forest. The ground was very wet and muddy. Finally they came to a clearing. It was surprisingly much dryer here than any where else. Above them they no longer saw treetops but the same purple sky. A girl, who looked older than Timothy, sat around a fire, reading an old dusty book. She wore a sky blue magician’s hat and a matching color cape. She also wore red boots and gloves, a staff lay on the ground behind her, a tent also pitched behind her. She looked up examined Timothy and Rire.

“Oh my, it’s you!” the girl said with much excitement “I’m so glad you found them Ax!”

“I’m sorry, I don’t quite understand. How do know you us?” Timothy asked as politely as he could.

“You, and me,” she pointed to Timothy, Rire, and herself “are the ones prophesied in this,” she indicated the dusty book. Timothy now noticed that there where five circular crystals of varying colors on the cover of it. “The Sage’s Prophecy.” she said “Let me just read you it.” she cleared her throat.

“In a time of kings and queens, of wizards and warriors, there will arise a boy with lance in hand and sword in sheath who will change our world as we know it. Adventure and anguish await him on his dangerous road. Though he will not go it alone, on the day the sky gives way he will meet a wizard garbed in blue and a dragon in blue too. Together they must recover the Sage Crystals, but beware young warriors for it will be no easy task.”

“But I’ve drawn a blank. There are several more pages, but they’re all blank. Now you see though, don’t you? You, me, your Guardian, and my Guardian must recover the seven Sage Crystals so we can save the world from this terrible fate.” She said

“Okay…that makes things…a bit clearer. But I still have a few more questions. One, why is the sky all dark and raining black? Two, who are you? And three, where are these Sage Crystals and what do they do?” asked Timothy

“Okay, I can answer those questions. The sky is dark and black because Queen Amethyst of the South is sending her minions to destroy our humble town and all others. I am Trixie, master beast tamer mage…in training. The Crystals are…scattered all over, they could be anywhere and legend has it that the last time the crystals where brought together, that was during the Great War, we destroyed the previous ruler of the South, The Queen of Shadows,” Said Trixie “May I take a look at your sword?”

“Sure.” Timothy said he handed it to her.

“Thank you kindly.” Trixie said.

As she was looking it over Timothy now noticed something he hadn’t seen before, there was an empty space in the back of the hand guard on the sword.

“Just as I thought,” said Trixie “This is the sword crafted by the Sages. It also has a name, Mezza Luna. Do you see this space on the back of the hand guard? I’m pretty sure if you put a Sage Crystal in here it will do…err something. My memory’s been a little strange since the kidnapping incident. You see, I was on my very first guard duty down in the Dark Crystal den, and the two men came in and stole…well…me. When the other mages went looking for I guess they came back and took the Crystal.” Trixie handed Timothy the sword back.

“Did you have any idea who they where?” asked Timothy.

“Not entirely, no. But I’m guessing they work for Queen Amethyst. That’s what started all this chaos.” Trixie said.

“How did you get away?” Timothy asked.

“I called for Ax, and he came and helped me,” She said, sadness in her voice “Now…if you don’t mind I’d rather like to settle down for the night.”

“It is getting late,” Timothy agreed “I’ll just sleep out here.”

So as Trixie proceeded into her tent, Timothy and Rire sat around the fire pondering what they had just learned.

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