Thursday, July 30, 2009

Bicycle Marketing: Survival of the Beefiest

As you can see from the image above, the BSNYC/RTMS Fat Cyclist Knuckle Tattoo Tribute Contest has heated up and is yielding some stunning submissions. In fact, some of them have rendered me more slack-jawed than Martha Stewart after a 90-minute "hike" around Great Head. However, incredible imagery doesn't only come in the form of contest submissions. Here is a photograph that has absolutely nothing to do with the contest, but which is awe-inspiring nonetheless:

(Taking it lying down.)

The above photo was taken by a reader and comes from the wilds of Canada (actually, the area could be perfectly civilized for all I know, but I just think every part of Canada is "the wilds"--except for the French-speaking parts, which are "Les Sauvages") and as you can see it depicts an actual AYHSMB recumbent. While the AYHSMB rallying cry does have its origins in the fixed-gear "culture," it has subsequently been adopted by the recumbent community as well, since recumbent riders arguably receive more derision than fixed-gear freestylers, off-road unicyclists, freeriders, and men who don't bother to lift the toilet seat before urinating when they visit people's houses combined. Also, it's certainly more fitting, since the recumbent position is far more conducive to receiving testilingus from "haters" than perhaps any other style of cycling.

Speaking of rallying cries, I recently discovered a phrase that could serve as an appealing alternative to AYHSMB, which is "Do Not Put Anything In My Flower Box:"

First of all, unlike AYHSMB, this phrase can be used unironically by those without testicles. Secondly, whereas AYHSMB is confrontational and implies physical contact with your adversary, DNPAIMFB simply calls for your adversary to steer clear of you altogether. Lastly, while ball-sucking is completely lacking in subtlety, putting something in someone's flower box is about as gentle (and fragrant) a metaphor for coitus as any I've ever heard.

Honestly, is this really a selling point? Just how large does a downtube need to be? Can you mount twin water bottle cages side by side? Still, many riders will doubtless be seduced by the notion of having a huge downtube swinging back and forth between their legs when they're out of the saddle in that "town line sprint" they're always referring to in the bicycle reviews.

Of course, a great big swollen downtube is worthless if it's not jammed into a "beefy" bottom bracket, so Trek/Fisher have wisely leapfrogged "beefy" and gone right to "robust:"

While crabon fiber is certainly a good material for building race bikes, it also has a dangerous downside. No, I'm not talking about the fact that it can break--after all, steel can break too. I'm talking about something even more dangerous, which is its ability to be molded into all sorts of crazy shapes. This allows bike designers to make all their most engorged phallic visions into reality. If road bikes keep swelling up this way one day you're going to go to Interbike and see a big carbon fiber penis with wheels--though arguably that's what a faired recumbent is already. Maybe that's where all this is going. Once the big bike companies have us all riding bloated bikes, it probably won't be that hard for them to convince us to lie down on them too. It's a recumbent conspiracy, and its insidiousness is matched only by its dorkiness.

That said, The Great Trek Bicycle Making Company and Gary Fisher deserve credit for the "Race Utility" concept, since in addition to making a giant downtube and bottom bracket junction they also took advantage of the opportunity to build some tire clearance and fender mounts into the frame. It's good to see that it's not all about getting us to collectively mount their huge downtube; at least they're offering some practicality, too, and I was genuinely pleased to see it. Still, I think it is important to be wary of "beefy bottom bracket" marketing, since a pair of fender mounts or a few more millimeters of tire clearance will improve the quality of your ride far more than some extra downtube girth or bottom bracket robustitude. In fact, this is a perfect opportunity to try out a new phrase:

Not only that, but they pointed out pretty much the same thing I did, which is that if you're going to build a road bike that "does it all" you might as well include some versatility (or "Race Utility" in Trekspeak) too. Here's what Cyclingnews had to say:

We would have expected a bit more clearance for chubbier, sportive-friendly tyres (25s or maybe even 28s) and single mudguard eyelets also wouldn't hurt – performance is never compromised with slightly larger tyres, and the likelihood of a 566 Origin owner doing a wet brevet/grand fondo/sportive is high.

Of course, they also couched this criticism in the conclusion that the bike is "lively, quick and light for how its specced." (Saying something is "light for how its specced" is kind of like giving someone a discount by charging them 100 cents instead of a dollar; the bike weighs what it weighs, no more and no less.) Furthermore, the reviewer was somehow able to discern that the "squared and twisted chainstays stiffen the ride and soften the bumps." I'm not sure how you'd know that without trying another Look 566 with round and straight chainstays, but then again I'm not a real bike reviewer. Amazingly, though, this has not prevented someone else from sending me a road bike to evaluate, and I plan to "drop" a review in the not-too-distant future. Here's a preview of the bottom bracket shell, in case you're interested:

"Sutured" is the new "robust."

Meanwhile, fashionmonger Marc Jacobs is skipping over beefy bottom brackets and instead harnessing the awesome marketing power of p-fars. Here is the current window display at his store on Bleecker Street in Greenwich Village:

It would appear then that he is moving away from the knuckle tattoo, which I saw recently adorning the Marc Jacobs bag of one fixed-gear rider not too long ago:

Yes, in order to truly understand what's hip you've got to "take it to the streets." And one thing that's certainly not going out of style in New York City is expensive yet poorly-locked track bikes. A reader recently sent me this photo, which depicts a Vivalo that is simply an unbolted wheel away from becoming someone else's:

Basically, the owner is saying, "Help yourself to my bike, but just leave me the front wheel." I realize many people are drawn to track bikes for their air of "urban cool," but maybe they should acquire the street smarts first, then get the fixie.

Another thing that's "blowing up" right now is TWS, or "Texting While Salmoning:"

As well as the triple trends of "vintage" road bikes, skater helmets, and white tires, manifest here on a single bike:

Really "feeling" the tricoloreway. Here's another "vintage" bike, though this one's day-glo:

Uh, I think the texting salmon is actually looking for a song, definitely looks like she's got earbuds in. And seriously, how the hell does a woman that size beat up a Dyno Taboo Tiki that badly? The paint on that thing's got more chips than a casino! Sheesh.

Haysus, who did that welding? I've seen better beads on a WalMart BSO.

In other news, I need a ruling from the style gods in congress assembled. While riding yesterday I had not one, but two folks on scooters wave to me. Now, I normally ride in a rural area and I usually wave to other cyclists when I encounter them, but scooters? Do we acknowledge their existence?

Lately the weather has been nice and lots of weekend warriors have been out on their Harleys. They have started waving too. I always wave back to them because they most likely are armed.

Good call on the downtube envy. I'm not convinced about the utility of a wider fork and wider rear triangle on a _race bike_, however. Sure I might want to ride wider tires on my cross bike or commuter, but this is a $2k to $5k race set up. Isn't making the frame wider essentially the opposite of what every other frame designer (Cervelo, Felt, Ridley, etc) has been doing on their race setups for the last five years? Otherwise, cool looking. If it wasn't for its unnecessary girth, I'd say GF has a winner here.

I must admit I disagree with Snob's analysis that the ever-increasing size of frame tubes is a ploy for getting us all on recumbents. I predict that tube size will increase until some manufacturer comes up with innovative new "micro-precision-tubes," which will be simply regular sized frame tubes. At that point everyone will jump on the micro band-wagon until the pro-peloton is basically riding around on frames made of crabon spaghetti strands or possibly re-purposed R-Sys spokes. Then, of course, someone will have the idea to build with over-sized tubes, and the marketing cycle will begin anew.

Fast Eddie @ 1:33: the Bike Salmon (Salmonette?) actually appears to be using a BlackBerry, with the single earbud that comes with it so you can't hear people yelling at you to get off the crosswalk. While I blushingly admit I too have a BlackBerry, I only use it for trolling Craigslist in the hope of filling someone's flowerbox. Or Pistas, also.

When riding outside of the city and being passed by a motorcycle going the opposite direction, I wave. When they pass me going in the same direction, I yell "cheater". In the city, I do not wave at anything motorized.

What, no mention that "The Fisher Control Column (FCC) is the centerpiece of the new bikes"? Also what about the "outboard J-bend spokes" and new hub, which seems to require a wider fork, though the "FCC front wheel is 27 percent stiffer than the previous best fork and wheel combination they tested."

In case lack of front wheel stiffness was bothering you with conventional road bikes....

Pulerized Concepts: thank you--we learn something here at BikeSnob everyday. Of course, now it becomes obvious what a male salmon is called. Since bike salmon are usually singular and sexually dimorphic, Mr. Snob should name them for what they are.

yep, cheap helmets are looking like sk8er helmets. no way you can be snobbish about this. the cheaper the helmet (<$20) the fewer the holes. I have seen $180 helmets with $30 wind blocking covers to plug holes in the winter, now THAT is funny.

I saw a guy in a local grocery store in Charlevoix, MI, who had a large Ski-Doo tat on the back of his shaved head. Like a northern version of a Harley tat. So, I was trying to find a repro of said tat when I stumbled upon this Curious George riding bronco fashion bike tattoo on snowmobilefanatic.com:

Fat down tubes are ugLEE! As a lady cyclist, I like a more aggressive statement than DNPAIMFB: my current fave is "Suck it when it's sweaty, punk," usually yelled to nasty cars/SUVs. Real vintage bikes kick ass--no need for fake retro.

Once we've gone from "beefy" to "robust", there is no turning back. Future reviews will use terms like, "man-sausage down tube" and "schlongtacular bottom brackets", not to mention "clitoral" Campagnolo thumb shifters. I'm already "groping" my brakes and "molesting" the neighbors dog.

...& speaking of ironic selling points...it seems to be a revolving ad but right now the colorway-ed sidebar advertisement is for 'vimax pills' w/ various slogans like "want to be her hero in bed !!! - try vimax pills" & "want to add inches now ??? - suprise her w/ a bigger penis"...

...most ironically, nowhere does it suggest she give 'velosrevolusauvage' a call...

well ill tell you one thing bike snob aint married becos he posts pictures of porn and takes pictures of babes with his phone cam i mean if jolene cot me doing neither of them shed cut my balls off with a rusty knife and telling you she tried to do it onced or twiced

Um yeah, I'll take that awful Zunow out of your field of vision, Bikesnob. I'll hide that awful beast from innocent passersby and only take it out for commuting, funrides, coffee runs, some light touring, okay, and maybe some heavy touring.

So crabon fiber (or crabon fibre in Canada) can be used in innovative new ways to shape your downtube?

Maybe Fisher can design a downtube that can relax when you aren't using it but stiffen proportionately when you are really pounding. That would give the phrases "relaxed geometry" and "stiff bottom bracket" new meaning. And it would sell a lot of bikes.

I liked the joke about Canadian sex-- thank you and I plan to use it to piss off a few Canadians with it very soon. Not sure what a pissed off Canadian even looks like. An American?

...good lors, the fuck are yas talking about ???...that ain't no joke...nothin' funny about that shit...hockey is woven into the fabric of canadian culture...it's a way of life in canada & thusly watching hockey is a part of that way of life...

...why should sex get in the way of a couple enjoying a good hockey game when the two of 'em can be enjoyed together...

...& every canadian kid can tell ya what hockey game they were conceived during & what the final score was...

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hey! I would like to know the model of the tricolor Benotto vintage bike that you have on this post?. You have it?.Sorry if I write this wrong, but Im from another country and I'm not good with the english.

You know what? I am tired of using motorcycle vehicle! gosh. I was caught by the police last 2 days and I fined with a huge amount! stupid. now on I decided to use my bicycle. over the weekend I will repair my bmx bike that I can use to room around the city. stupid vehicle I just wasted a huge amount of money. I was saving it for christmas. :(

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!