Blog

“At the innermost core
of all loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with one's lost
self.”

Brendan
Francis

Forming positive attachments to others
is regarded as a sign of psychological stability, health, and wellbeing. Being
in partnership, as a primary attachment, is often viewed as the guardian from
loneliness. When that attachment is severed through divorce or death of a
spouse or partner, this creates a tremendous void in our psyche that pulls us
into feelings of profound sadness. Not only is there loss, but a loneliness
that is non-specific, a focus on being alone, feeling abandoned, and an aching
for any kind of attachment. Even when
the most acute pain of the loss has subsided, loneliness may take its place as a
predominant form of suffering.

There is a stigma often attached to a
widow or divorcee that views her as a dangerous, lonely, predatory creature
that will devour people with her neediness or steal the spouses of her friends.
While this carries with it a modicum truth about the loneliness and neediness,
the notion of the widow’s/divorcee’s intentions to steal someone’s husband is
more about that person’s personal or marital insecurities than anything else.
However, this perception can be the source of a great deal of pain for you, the
one who has been left behind in the aftermath of the death of your spouse, or
divorce.

It is important, first of all, to confront
the reality of your loss and learn to cope successfully with it. This means
allowing yourself to experience your pain – the sense of loss, loneliness, fear,
anger, guilt, and sadness – to acknowledge your anguish and let out your
expressions of it, and to know that you won’t be overwhelmed by these feelings
and the process of expression.

Loneliness can be dealt with in many
ways, and the attitude you have towards yourself and the vulnerability that
this feeling produces has a lot to do with how much suffering you will assign
to it. What do I mean by that?

If you look up the word “loneliness” in
the dictionary, it means, “being alone, feeling alone, isolated, without
companionship or support.” So we take the first part, “being alone.” That seems
to be a fairly neutral statement of fact. It’s when we get into the “feeling
alone, isolated, without companionship or support,” where we start to go, “Oh,
this is the part of it that feels bad.” Not only that but, we go down the
rabbit hole of conjuring up even more fear-based thoughts along that theme.
“I’ll never find someone else to love,” “No one will want me,” and “I’m going
to be alone forever,” etc.

While loneliness may become a long-term
legacy of loss, it’s important to also clearly identify the feelings of
loneliness and not confuse them with simply “being alone.” Being alone can be
very constructive and healing. It’s important to recognize your need for some
protective social withdrawal, some solitude, time to get to know yourself again
and to reunite with your “lost self.” Taking a break from seeking attachments
to others and learning to form a strong attachment to yourself and/or to Spirit
can circumvent premature pressure from your family and friends to “get out
there and move on,” before you are ready to do so.

There are ways of coping with loneliness
that are meant to distract you from it, i.e. to “fix” it. These are very useful, and I usually do end
up suggesting them to my clients when they are seeking relief from feeling bad
about their state of aloneness. I will list some of the tried-and-true methods
for coping with loneliness below:

Social involvement: spend time with
friends, make new friends, and dating (yes, this may seem daunting, but you’ll
know when you are ready)

Involvement with others: through service/caregiving/
volunteering

The methods above represent an outside-in
approach to coping with loneliness. I also want to talk about a few strategies
for working with loneliness from the inside out. This is more about the “being
alone” part of the process. The word solitude seems to fit better, as it can
be a positive, uplifting, and self-affirming process, a vehicle for uniting or
merging with your “lost self.”

Journaling, writing: expressing yourself
freely and openly

Meditation, yoga, other spiritual
pursuits

Prayer, turning your feelings over to
God, attuning to Spirit’s guidance and loving support

Creative self-expression: creating
something in a manner that you love doing engrosses you in positive focus and
joyful inspiration

Reframing the relationship –
relationships really exist inside of us where we can still have contact with
our loved ones through inner conversations/dialogues of a healing and
completing nature

Immersion in a search for purpose, meaning,
and direction for your life’s next chapter is a powerful way to address the
issue of loneliness, of missing the attachment to your partner or spouse. It’s
a matter of perspective. It’s natural to feel lonely at a time when dealing
with loss. It’s also an opportunity to use this time of being alone to
incubate, to nourish, to love yourself whole again by using both the outside-in
and inside-out approaches in balance.

Loneliness is a universal human
experience. We are all lonely from time to time, sometimes even when we are
with people we know and care about. When we can see this as the “yearning for
union with the lost self,” and satisfy the yearning through being compassionate
and mindful with ourselves, we are able to lift out of the feelings of sadness
and see the blessings inherent in our experience. Yes, even in our grief, we
can experience being held and comforted by the angels, by Spirit, and by the
divinity within our selves.

Divorce is one of the most deeply painful experiences you can go through in your life. This is true if you were the one left behind or if you decided to end the marriage. Even if the end was a long time coming, and somewhat inevitable, what often surprises people is how heartbroken they feel when the end actually comes.

Divorce is a death – the death of your marriage and all the hopes and dreams you had of “happily ever after.” With the death of your marriage comes a whole host of secondary losses. Grief comes knocking at your door, insisting to be let in whether you want to or not.