There was a time when I so envied lesbians who have known who they loved and what they wanted from an early age.

A time when I would sit back and daydream on how different my life would be if I had stopped and assessed what those early crushes and longings meant… and what it would mean for my future if I ignored them. What new doors would have been opened if I had resisted the habit of denying who I was in favor of who everyone else thought I should be? If I had just said, Fuck it!, and dove head-first into the arms of a woman.

The freedomI would have had!

The joyof living an authentic, unhindered life!

The women I could have loved!

The happinessI may have uncovered!

Did I mention the women I could have loved?

It’s easy to look back at my life and think, “If only I had…” but we know that’s pointless. A very smart lady (who has been a truly wise coach on this journey of mine) once said to me, “We are exactly where we should be, when we need to be.”

Embracing all that I have done up to this point (giving birth to two amazing children, writing and publishing a book, making a career out of what I love to do…) and accepting that everything happens for a reason is part of the journey. Finding kindred spirits along the way is another amazing part.

I am far from alone in this.

Hundreds…perhaps thousand of beautifully brave and honest women have taken these same steps before me. Finding them is not easy, but the help and resources are there if we look hard enough. Coach Brent, who I mentioned above, is one amazing resource. Seriously, check her out.

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About Felix Jay

I am Felix Jay, and I am gay as hell. Unfortunately, embracing this reality came after a 23-year relationship with a man, which included 12 years of marriage, and two children. This blog follows my journey to live my truth for the first time in my life, without devastating my family and losing my sanity in the process. Fully honest...completely authentic...and finally Felix.