Friday, October 14, 2016

Daily Draw: Ace of Swords (R)

Guidance: Exercise wisdom when wielding power, approach the matter from your heart and not your head

Journaling

I feel like nothing I do matters for me. Everything I do helps other people, but there is nothing in it for me. We moved to Cleveland and the kids are getting settled, but I'm still stuck in Chicago every week. All I want is to find love and be happy. I have to be honest and say that I'm thinking about suicide a lot lately because my life doesn't seem to matter for me. I feel like just a vehicle for other people's happiness, but I'm not worthy of happiness myself.

Yes, I know all the bullshit about choosing to be happy, but that's hard when life sucks and you don't have the one thing that matters. I know that I have so much to be grateful for, but I want love and I want someone to share my life with. I take care of the kids, but who takes care of me? Who is my shoulder to lean on when things get rough? I need someone in my life who loves and cherishes me. I've fought so hard against needing someone, but I'm ready to admit that I do need someone who loves me.

Goddess, please guide me to my love.

May 24, 2018
I wish that I could say that in the time since I've written this that I never feel this way anymore, but that would be a lie and I've been working really hard not to lie to myself. There are still days when I feel like suicide because I am lonely. However, I've been working hard to love myself and manifest that love in concrete ways. That feels really uncomfortable some days because it feels like I am being selfish and I don't like to be selfish. However, I'm starting to realize that being selfish and taking time for myself is not a bad thing.

A big part of the reason, I'm able to start doing this is because I'm able to say F* you to my mother's voice in my head. I'm able to assert myself and say that I deserve nice things. I deserve a car of my own. I deserve to take time to be myself and do what is best for me. I deserve all those things and her F*ing voice that constantly asks how the kids feel or how John feels is her being a bitch. I no longer need nor want her in my life and I am so much better off and more calm without her.

It is odd that I wrote this original post on what was her 70th birthday. And of course, I was probably hearing her in my head telling me that I needed to find love in order to be a whole person and that my life is all about other people. That is all so much BS. I am a whole and complete person all by myself and I do not need anyone else to take care of me, to rescue me, or to protect me. I am capable of doing all of those things by myself. That doesn't mean I do not want someone to share my life with, but I am capable of standing on my own two feet.

The other striking thing about this post is that Cam told me I looked like my mother today and that kind of upset me. But what she added on actually made me feel good. She said I looked like my mother, but that what I was saying was absolutely not what that bitch would have said because I was being kind and understanding. That made me feel good