BAELFIRE HAS THREE DADS NOW! RUMPELSTILTSKIN, MR. DARLING AND CAPTAIN HOOK! WHAT A LUCKY BOY!

HOW IS CAPTAIN HOOK EVEN A PIRATE? WE NEVER SEE HIM PILLAGING EVER. DOES THE EYELINER MAKE HIM A PIRATE?

THEY MENTION CURSED MERMAIDS A WHOLE BUNCH AND WE NEVER SEE THEM. I FEEL CHEATED.

MORTAL ENEMIES WORKING TOGETHER FOR THE COMMON GOOD!

THE SELF-DESTRUCT BUTTON FOR STORYBROOKE IS UNSTOPPABLE… NOT! IT ONLY NEEDS TWO MAGIC USERS TO STOP IT. EMMA HAS BARELY HAD ANY PRACTICE AT USING MAGIC AND THEY STILL STOPPED IT. ABSOLUTELY NO ONE DIED AND THE DESTRUCTION WAS MINIMAL. WEREN’T THEY ADVERTISING THAT THE SEASON FINALE WAS GOING TO BE DEVASTATING?

DON’T WORRY, HE’LL ANNOY THEM SO MUCH THEY’LL PAY TO GET RID OF HIM

SOMEHOW GREG AND TAMARA MANAGE TO BE COMPLETELY SILENT AND INVISIBLE TO KIDNAP HENRY WHEN HE WAS RIGHT BESIDE HIS MOMS AND HIS GRANDPARENTS. THEY ALSO GAIN A LARGE LEAD ON THEM DESPITE ONLY JOG-WALKING AWAY.

GREG AND TAMARA ARE, YET AGAIN, EXTREMELY VAGUE ABOUT WHO THEY ARE WORKING FOR AND WHAT EXACTLY THEIR CAUSE IS. I SERIOUSLY BELIEVE THAT THE WRITERS THEMSELVES DON’T KNOW AND THEY’RE USING VAGUENESS TO BUY THEMSELVES SOME TIME. THEY KEEP USING WORDS LIKE “HOLY” AND “SACRED”, SO I’M JUST GOING TO PRETEND THAT THEY’RE WORKING FOR THE POPE, UNTIL I’M TOLD OTHERWISE.

THEY’RE ON A BOAT!

EVERYBODY IS FRIENDS NOW! EMMA, REGINA, CAPTAIN HOOK, MARY MARGARET AND DAVID PUT ASIDE THEIR DIFFERENCES IN ORDER TO FORM AN ELITE TEAM AND GET HENRY BACK. THEY HATED EACHOTHER JUST FIVE MINUTES AGO, BUT WHO CARES? SHUT YOUR BUTT!

AAAAAANNNNDDDDDDD…IT LOOKS LIKE THE BIG BAD FOR NEXT SEASON IS GOING TO BE PETER PAN. THEY BETTER GET A MICHAEL JACKSON LOOKALIKE TO PLAY PETER PAN.

Young Baelfire emerges from the portal created by the magic bean a half-foot taller and with a deeper voice. He is in 19th century London, England. He promptly decides to become a moppet, or a ragamuffin, or a 19th century cockney bootblack… or something. Anyway, it’s a job that doesn’t pay the bills. He takes to breaking into people’s houses and stealing food to survive.

Anyhoo… One of the houses he decides to rob happens to be the home of Wendy Moira Angela Darling (of Peter Pan fame) and she decides to take pity on Baelfire, the poor street urchin, and keep him in her crawlspace and feed him table scraps. This is the first instance of a person being kept in a crawlspace while not also being tortured and/or murdered that I have ever seen. Wendy’s parents discover this strange arrangement and, instead of being angry, decide that the best course of action is for this peripubescent boy to move out of the crawlspace and stay in their peripubescent daughter’s bedroom instead. Incidentally, in the olden days, when you found a parentless child, instead of having to report them to the authorities, you could just decide to keep them.

It turns out that Bae’s would-be girlfriend, Wendy, has been being visited in the middle of the night by a magic shadow. The shadow looks evil and acts ominous but Wendy thinks it’s wonderful. That is, until the shadow takes her to Neverland, which turns out to be a horrible place where children miss their parents for eternity and the shadow wants to take one of her brothers there. Bae ends up sacrificing himself and going to Neverland instead and that’s the reason why Baelfire isn’t 130 years old in present day on the show.

One thing I noticed is that although they say “Neverland” a lot in this episode, they never actually mention Peter Pan. I wonder if they are trying to weasel their way out of having to pay royalties to the Great Ormand Street Hospital who own the rights to Peter Pan?

Some other stuff that happened:

Lacey and Mr. Gold beat up Dr. Whale, because it is fun and also to remind the audience that Dr. Whale exists. I assume Dr. Whale will play some sort of important part in this season’s finale because of this.

Lacey is still an alcoholic.

Greg and Tamara are trying to murder magic because it’s unholy or something.

Greg and Tamara keep alluding to some worldwide anti-magic organization that they belong to without ever naming it. I bet the writers haven’t actually come up with what the organization is yet.

David gives his gun to Emma, but then in the next scene he points his gun at Greg. CONTINUITY ERROR!

Tamara shoots Neal and throws a magic bean at him. He falls through a portal AGAIN.

WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME!?

Things that I think aren’t going to happen in the finale:

Sneezy getting his memory back

The big reveal of the secret organization that Tamara and Greg belong to

Dr. Frankentstein finding his brother

Finding out where Neal went when he fell through the portal this time around