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I have given a look at your translation. Overall, it's pretty good! :)

However, I suggest you to have a proofreader check your text. There are not a few typos and a good proofreader will help you a lot to identify them and improve your text a lot! :)

As for accuracy and stuff, I think it's quite good, but I have a few suggestions:

Page 13panel 1It makes my stomach stand up when you say that!!/-> It's very annoying when you say that!!

Page 17panel 1Saruyama Genichi Will soar to the target!!/-> Doesn't look much like English. Perhaps "Saruyama Genichi is going for the hunt now! Target lock on!!"

Page 18panel 3No It not what you think. Rito was just saying something about breast being the romance of men.../WHAT!?-> "Rito was just saying something about breasts being the dreams of men", perhaps?