March 10, 2001

I'm home. I spent the last 14 hours in Robert Wood Johnson University Hospital, recovering from dining hall food.

I woke up at three in the morning with intense abdominal pain. I called Maggie in hysterical tears; she couldn't understand a word I was saying, but apparently enough filtered through that she implored me to hang up and call 911, which I did.

I hardly ever write anymore. For a period of time I was here everyday, all day, writing constantly. And when I was writing I thought, man this stuff sucks! Debbie, you can't write to save your life. Funny cos I used to think the same thing about my flute playing. And I used to think, man I am so fat I can't stand it, I cannot believe how fat I am! But every once in awhile I find an old tape I made of me playing the flute and I suddenly realize that I was really good. Was being the key word here, cos I don't play any more and I really miss it. And I log on and take a look at some of my old nodes and I read them and think, wow? I never had any idea that my thoughts and feelings came out so clearly and were so interesting! Again the past tense in that sentence being key, cos lately I can't seem to write anything. I'm just not feeling it, ya know? And wouldn't you know it, this morning I groaned as I thought to myself, man I wish I had appreciated the weight that I had been at just two months ago, I wasn't nearly as fat as I am now, I'd give just about anything to be down their on the scales! So you'd think that I would learn that you should appreciate what you have now but instead I think all I've learned is that life just sucks more as you get older!

Look, it is all too complicated for me. Come back in about an hour when I have finished this. If this is all you see here, I did not get to the ultimate meaning of life and everything, which is what I'm experiencing this moment.
Excuse me. Please come back when I have descended from the realm of the ethereal.

So, do you have that? Come back when this is worth reading, in just a moment I am about to get to the point that will scratch your most unreachable itch, but I am not there yet, so please go away and give me a moment to accomplish it.

Thank you. Nobody but you now, knows this: How much time is in a <p> tag but you and me, that moment there, as I went away, and you did your thing and then came back.

I just put in another <p> tag for you, because I was thinking about rivers, the same one never twice't, an' shit. You're there at this moment, reading this, and I'm telling you to pause, you who are hitting the refresh button as this tale continues at this hour, on this day, 10:49 ish PST March 9'th, and the rest of the time others who see this will say, "Yesterday" or even "Was'nt George Bush in office then? The one who was taken up in the Rapture, his heart being so pure, and leaving us in charge of the bastards we got now?"

Of course along with my deep love for you there is another reason I am using these <p>'s like railroad spikes to keep the sleepers down and pin this moment to this shadow.

I suffered a terrible loss a few days ago; I had again clearly expressed the secret of that moment's life in complex HTML and its cousin from the future, SYTML when something browserish and chilling happened, and it disappeared from the world of pixels and RAM. And my head was ringing so much from its departure, that I could not recapture it.

So...

Long bit of living in there. Did you follow a trail through the NodeNapse there?

Well, Fruan. There's the poet's crapout, "because it's mine, and I am inherently worthy, and anything of mine you don't like is nevertheless worth looking into until you do" but I won't even dignify that by mentioning it.
There's the appeal to oppressorguilt, "So you don't like it. And you have the power to remove it. The conjunction of these two facts alone is reason to pause and doubt your judgement", but I won't invoke that here.
The true answer is, the concept of The Unlinkable One came to me and I'm not quite sure how to flesh it out yet, but I needed to stake its little feet to the NodeNapse before it wandered off. I like the idea of a being which is frustrated because it wants to be unlinkable, but it is inevitably linked to. And I wished to play with the idea of an idea that is impossible because of its description, like "This phrase is not made of words" or "This entity cannot be linked to"
So: it should not die because it is at worst sophomoric, which has not traditionally been a nuking offense here at E2. At best, it is a linchpin in a system of nodes that I am modifying right now.
By the way, I notice that you mourn Dman in your home node. Hm?

It's now 5pm. I have just had a two hour nap. And before that I had woken up at 1pm, having slept for 10 hours (gone to bed at 3am). So all up, I have had 12 hours sleep in the last 14 hours. And I so need it!

I have been working on this project for work which links a website to a database and tracks all the servers that we look after. This may seem like a trivial task for all you web designers out there except for two things:

However, this is a rather open-ended project. First, the project is of my making - I designed a smaller version of the one proposed for my team - and it worked extremely well. So well that it came to the attention of management - and hence the decision to scale it up and role it out across the company ... with me in charge of the project.

So, the reason I am tired is that I have just finished an 84 hour week!! This is way off the scale for me. While I never found any of those 84 hours to be tedious or boring (quite the opposite in fact), the fact remains that my body objected to those hours resulting in me sleeping for most of today. I have been madly learning about mysql and php and putting it all together - and it has been going together very well. I already have Stage One complete and am well on the way to Stage 2 (or 3 stages). I have learnt so much and this is powering me on.

But I have decided today is definitely a rest day. I am off to see Moomba tonight (a Melbourne Arts festival) and tomorrow, I will continue coding in the hope that Stage 2 will be completed by Friday this week. Wish me luck! :)

I can't believe I got up at 7:30 and drove in to work. The California server tape drive still won't back up - it's been weeks - if my boss ever finds out, I'm in deepshit. so I came in to update the Domino server, which went fine, and now I'm trying to run a backup hoping I'll get the error message again so I can troubleshoot.

And I have my first Notes test on the 28th and it's the 10th, and if I don't start studying I will fail. I would like to pass it. So I'm going to do some studying today with my old course book. Just start over and review page by page and explore. Lots of boring rights and permissions stuff mostly.

Last night I got together with M. We kissed in the parking lot on Thursday after meeting - no matter what else is going on, his kisses make my knees weak, my body tremble, and my entire being take flight to somewhere out there. They just mesmerize me. I was inspired, as I didn't know I'd be able to do anything, so I suggested Friday night.

Things happened on Friday. I didn't get home from DC til 9; missed my train so had to wait another hour. So was a little weird at first cause he got there a few minutes after I did. We ended up laying down on my bed, just holding each other.

And something very unexpected happened. My people came out to say goodbye to him. Just one at a time, mostly wordless, but I felt them passing by. I am sad today, because I know they will integrate into me soon. And I have felt them merging into me slowly, gradually, for the past few months. Nothing Girl is gone. I tried to feel her and summon her, but she feels gone. She came out to say goodbye - but I had to say it for her - she can't talk anymore. And then she was gone. She's the second one to merge, I think. The babies were the first. Their scared, lonely, cold selves aren't crawling around on that ugly rug next to that awful sofa anymore, in the darkened room. I think the little girls and the bigger girls loved them and hugged them enough to feel better over the past few months. They always wanted to be with some one, and now they are, as long as I live.

I don't know about anybody else. Everything is in a constant state of processing and flux. I think my yoga and belly dancing classes are helping a lot, as I am getting used to being a person inside a human female body. It's so new - I feel like an alien.

Meanwhile, my boss complained that he felt worthless. Mind you, this man is a VP. Ugh. He complained that he didn't think I like him. I don't, but its nothing personal, it is just that he is incompetent. I guess I should not expect anything else, due to The Peter Principle. Strangely enough, he does take my advice when it comes to some technical matters, which is nice, but not others.

I had just collected my shopping trolley and put two newspapers into it when it happened. I turned the corner to walk up the short aisle between magazines and sandwiches and there was a really scruffy looking old bloke perusing some publication or other, while his trolley was completely blocking the aisle.

"Excuse me" I said, rather loudly as it was very busy and quite noisy.

"Excuse me but could you move your trolley" I said somewhat pointedly.

Still no response, either he was ignoring me or plain didn't hear me. So I push his trolley aside with mine and walk past.

"What the fuck are you doing?!?!?!??" Came out of the blokes mouth, in a very loud indignant manner.

I explained to him that I had asked twice to get past him but that he either didn't hear me or chose to ignore me. This was met with a reply even more terse than the last one. Something about me being the incosiderate one, and that I should have more courtesy towards elderly people.

I walked away from him, only to notice about two minutes later that he was right behind me, still banging on about how rude I was and beginning to really annoy me.

This carried on for about three aisles, up past the bread, down past the cheese and other dairy produce, past the various meats on display, on and on and on, as far as the frozen vegetables. By this point I had well and truly had enough...

"Will you just get the fuck away from me before I throw a bag of frozen parsnips at your head you complete freak" I screamed at him, standing there in the frozen produce aisle, other shoppers walking past, staring, sniggering.

I walked home today along the seafront, on the tops of the cliffs. The sea was murky and dark, and I was hurrying to get home in case it started raining again. Then, abruptly after I rounded a corner of this windy road, I saw a small crowd of around five people, huddled together staring at something which was obscured by their bodies.

As I gradually drew closer, I noticed that one of the figures was dressed in a police uniform, and the unobtrusive blue car I had previously ignored was in fact a recognisably undercover squad car, oxymoron though it may be. For an instant the figures shifted, and from afar I saw what looked like a pile of blue rags lying on the ground amidst the grass bank at the edge of the path. But when two of the group began to lift an unknown something upwards, I saw the pile clearly, and what was in it.

An old man lay perfectly still on the side of the road, with a wild-grown grey beard, wearing nothing but a blue bathrobe, the garment I'd previously mistaken for a rag. Though it was so dilapidated, it was virtually no mroe than a piece of rag; his skin was pale white and bloodless. It looked like a picture of a vampire's victim. As I passed, I saw him fully, clearly, for one instant. His body was revealed. His eyes were closed.

Last night I went to see the Vandals at Deep Ellum Live. It was a pretty good show and I got hit in the face in the mosh pit but I still have all my teeth, although they hurt when I bite into something. I was worried that my boyfriend would not let me go down there but somehow I was able to break away from the "Look we are at a show so I am going to hold you right up next to me because I own you and I don't want any other guy grabbing your ass" thing and had a good old time and lo and behold, he went to the pit as well.

My best friend and his wife showed up as well, they saw the Vandals set and then left, as did we. It was a pretty good night all in all. I felt like such a novice in the pit though, I went down twice. It has been almost two years since I have been in a mosh pit. God it felt good to get back to that.

The song Say Goodbye by DMB has been stuck in my head the last couple days. Musically, it's not complex at all. There are about two or three chords in the whole song, and the vocal line is flowing but not challenging to say the least. However, that song issexual tension set to music. I didn't think that it could be done, but in four minutes or so, you can hear the desperation and the longing for whoever he is singing about. He wants her. He's begging her to say yes. It is a fucking beautiful song. It makes me want to think of the whole "kept woman having a one night stand" thing in a better light.

But he fails to mention something. Something that we all must remember when we are faced with temptation.

The store was packed. It felt more like Christmas was sneaking up in two days rather than a March day. I couldn't understand it. It was a BEAUTIFUL sunny day out, yet all of these people were making the mad dash in the store jostling with each other, tempers flaring, trying to find the "best" deals. Yikes! Now if it was raining I would get it. People were clearly uncomfortable. I could see it in their faces. Why put yourself through that voluntarily?
I enjoyed the rush. I felt good when I could deflate a customer's temper. I managed to keep hold of my own (this time) when a woman let loose her tirade. I let it loose now though!! grrrrr!

(rant)
The woman comes up to the counter with her about 8 year old daughter in tow. She hands me a bag with clothing in it, a gift receipt, and asks to know how much it is because she wants to exchange it. "Is it too small or too big? Would you like to exchange it?" "No", she snorts,"Her father has hideous taste and I won't let her wear it. I want to find something better." The girl is watching her mother. I look up the amount and tell her. "WHAT!?", she yells. "Your father is a fucking cheap bastard! You should tell him that next time you see him if I don't. It was your birthday for Chrisakes! God damn cheap son of a bitch!"

The girl just nods her head looking at the outfit the mother is returning. I taste blood in my mouth, I'm biting my tongue so hard as I have a fake smile plastered on my face. She continues loudly proclaiming to all who are within earshot what a cheap bastard her daughter has for a father and the woman was good to be rid of him.

OK, see NOW I can let loose what I could not say in the store.
FIRST off........Do NOT, I repeat do NOT RETURN a GIFT that someone went to the trouble of picking out for you unless it is damaged or it is the WRONG SIZE!!! I don't care if it is the UGLIEST piece of clothing you have ever received. SOMEONE cared enough about you to GIVE you a GIFT. They CARED enough to spend the day in the store picking it out or in the workshop MAKING it for you. The operative word is GIFT. It is NOT an obligation. It is NOT a duty. It is NOT a way to rank how much you are worth to that person by the value. It is RUDE, in poor taste and in BAD FORM! You are showing that person that you have no respect for them. You dishonor them. (MY OPINION)

SECOND....DO NOT DISS your child's other parent in front of them!! It is BAD enough that his world has been turned upside down from a relationship gone awry. Do NOT make it WORSE by belittling the other parent in front of them!!! I have dealt with children for many years. You are SCREWING THEM UP when you can't get past your own anger. Do NOT make them choose sides! Kids love BOTH of their parents!! Nothing pisses me off more than seeing divorced parents do this,to make himself/herself seem like the good parent and the other the bad. Kids need BOTH of their parents to support them. I've SEEN the damage this causes first hand!!! THINK about the child and forget the other stuff. If you can't say something nice then SHUT UP ABOUT IT in front of the child!!! Do NOT put them in the position of choosing sides EVER! (/rant)

There was a BBQ on the docks at work today too for the employees to have a place to unwind from a stressful sales day.
I walked in....stayed all of TWO minutes, took in the dockside decor, the grumbling employees discussing stressed out customers, and beat it the heck out of there. I wandered into the food court briefly but it was elbow to elbow in people there too. A dull roar echoed through the rafters.

I went outside to an empty bench outside the mall. I just sat there with my head back soaking in the sun and the fresh air. mmmmm. When I looked up, it was to find a film camera trained on me. I hadn't noticed them before. The three man crew was set up trying to get a shot down the mainstreet. They moved the camera off of me once they saw I noticed them. I wonder what image they captured? I watched them circumspectly afterwards. They were capturing slices of life outside the mall. A group of girls were with nylons on their heads with a friend filming them with a handheld camera singing "bye, bye, bye". It made me laugh. Now THAT was amusing. The film crew caught a woman playing with her baby, a quartet of starkly black suited people hurrying by, a bunch of kids sheepishly jumping in front of the camera and waving, some kids holding the hands of the "statue family", a couple walking hand in hand. I'm not sure if they caught the merri-go-round filled with laughing kids. That was behind them. I found myself watching all of these groups trying to see what the videographer was trying to capture. Trying to see the slice of life. It was good. It was just what I needed to refresh myself. As they were packing up, one of them said to look for it this summer, the film they were doing. So who knows, I may be a star. ( or they were just focusing on the freckle on the bottom of my chin.)

After work I came home, danced to "Everybody Dance Now", and the "Hamster Dance". Yes, I know it's silly but hey, you de-stress your way, I'll de-stress mine. After that it was hot tub heaven watching the full moon rise (which must explain all the nutcases out shopping today).

My girlfriend is in the process of getting her green card. She flew from Minneapolis to New York to meet her family and get it taken care of. However, she called me very worried at midnight and told me her father was not at La Guardia to pick her up after her plane landed.

We talked for forty minutes, and still he did not come. Eventually, her pre-payed phone card was running low and she had to go. I have not heard from her since. I do hope she is okay.

I am really, really looking forward to catching up on the whole series. Time to go to Barnes and Noble.

Stevo

My friend Steve called and told me he was back in town. I went over for dinner. It was odd seeing him with a glass of wine in his hand. I never had imagined him with any sort of questionable substance in his hand. I was relieved to hear that since he had become twenty one that he had been drunk at least once.

His girlfriend seemed cold to me. That was odd. But then again, it really didn't help when I said, "gee, you really aren't doing that well tonight?" When I referenced her inability to guess correctly while we were playing Trivial Pursuit.

I was trying to be witty, but I let the meaning of some half-cooked smack talk leak out. I don't recommend that to anybody. I got a very cold look, and she went to bed that night without saying goodbye. Eeewww!

My friend Tom the playboy called me just as I was wrapping things up at Stevo's. I could hear the Ump-Aah Ump-Ahh of some club music as he screamed over the din, "Dude, motherfucking Prince is here at The Lounge. Dude, what do I say to him? I want to fucking talk to him!!"

As if I had the "secret phrase" that would allow you to talk to Prince. To Tom's, "What do I say to him," I replied, "you don't." However, Tom is the type of guy who could end up sleeping with Prince and half of his entourage. He really is that slippery.

I am eager to talk with him tomorrow and find out if he was even able to get within six feet of him. I have heard interesting stories from my parents.

Gave a pre-wedding present to my best friend and her fiance today. It was intended as a "feel good experience": getting their pearly whites cleaner and brighter! A free dental clean. SHE was happy and cheery, but HE was a bit apprehensive about the whole experience - even though he denied it. Of course, I was starting to feel bad that I was "making" him accept this "present".

Ultrasonic scaler was a bit whiny and the suction was a bit strong. Otherwise, they left feeling very happy that their teeth felt CLEAN! Ahhhhhh.... one of the rare "feel good" things in my occupation of dealing with apprehensive people.

I actually got a lot done today considering I had no plans. My brother is taking classes on mortuary science and he invited me to stop by one of his school labs this morning to see how it all works. I'm not really into that stuff, but my curiosity got the best of me. Well I seemed to be lucky becuase they had a special case today. Let's just say the smell was much worse than the appearance (and the appearance was not all that great). I really will *not* go into details here.

I got back home and took a nap for a couple of hours because I had only gotten six hours of sleep. I got up and wrote Sara a helloemail just to see what she's up to. I tried to decorate it with a few compliments more than I usually do. I hope we can get together again soon. I'm really looking forward to our trip to Orlando at the end of the month though. That will be awesome. I've never been on any serious rollercoasters, but I think I'm ready for it :)

I went by the mall today and picked up some clothes for the summer and a new pair of running shoes. I was using my old raggy shoes as an excuse not to go to the gym and do some running on the treadmill, so it was time for some new shoes. These new ones are much more comfortable even though they are brand new. I went to Old Navy for the first time today. TC recommended the place and said their prices are ok. I used to avoid the place becuase their commercials annoyed me so much, but since I'm not watching TV anymore, it's almost like the commercials don't even exist.

I picked up some chinese food for dinner. Now I think I'll go play around with worldcraft for a while while I wait for a response from Sara. I wish I knew what she's thinking sometimes. She's so nice but she doesn't want to get too close.

I'm finally up to level 6 here, though the best picture I could find for my homenode sort of sucks. I'll have to dig around for something better. I thought about putting up the picture of me and Sara together, but I don't know if she wants her picture posted somewhere she doesn't know about. And I'm not about to tell her about this website, or I'd probably have to go back and re-write all of my daylogs :) Not that I've said anything bad, but I'd be a bit embarrassed if she knew how I really felt about her. I'm just taking whatever companionship I can get from her, and I don't want to make her feel like she should spend more time with me if she doesn't really want that right now.