Wow... That authors note was a little too serious for my mood right now. Anyway, I respect your opinion on not sporking it.(Goes back in hiding)

Author:

ArrowLawn [ Fri Dec 16, 2016 11:17 pm ]

Post subject:

Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

This guy has to be a troll... ignoring the grammar and lack of punctuation, there's also the fact that Maya gets replaced by Trucy when the trial begins. Did Phoenix sleep for 8 years?! And did the court wait for him?https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12275933/1 ... out-Escape

Hey guys, this is my first sporking. Feel free to bash on me, I'm kinda unsure of this one.But anyway, I present:Pheonix Wright Ace WarOne Sahwit: This fic is intentionally a trollfic, so that explains the nature of this fic. It doesn't make it any better, though.Author: IAmAWrighterOriginal fic:https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12277095/1/Phoenix-Wright-Ace-War

Franziska: (screen whip) The foolish fool who wrote this foolish fan fiction should be foolishly ashamed! Does this author not understand what they wrote?!

Edgeworth: It is most likely a mistake, but it certainly doesn't make it less offensive to some.

Quote:

he is the fat little child that is Barry Lawn

Franziska: Barry....Lawn?

Maya: Oh, I know! He's the one who wrote Larry's children's story!

Edgeworth: We don't need to remember that fanfiction.

Phoenix: Agreed.

Quote:

Barry jumped into the sky and flew away, because troll fic logic.

(Faint rumbling can be heard in the distance.)

Speakers: Oh no. Quick! Get the bricklayers!But sir, the fourth wall is due for a remake today....That doesn't matter! Fix it, quick!

All: ...

Edgeworth: It seems that even the author admits that this fanfiction is wasting our time.

Maya: Keep going, author! Maybe the management'll run out of money fixing the fourth wall so they can't torture us anymore!

Speakers: You wish. Sir, the situation is dire! I don't care, just fix it and leave me alone!

Quote:

"What why is he declaring war on us" said Maya

Maya: Good question.

Phoenix: Wasn't Barrylawn trying to murder us?

Edgeworth: It's both. It's simply because the author doesn't see the contradiction between the two sentences.

Franziska: (screen whip, looks confused)

Maya: Hey, no electric shock?

Phoenix: Maybe it's because the management needed more power to fix the fourth wall?

Franziska: (whips screen again, gets shocked) OW!

Speakers: Haha. Got you.

Franziska: (mutters angrily under her breath)

Quote:

"Hes a troll Maya, they are the dirt of the world, so they are doing it for rights, rights they do not deserve" said Phoenix stepping on the dirt so Barry knows his place (it's a metaphor)

Edgeworth: That is not a metaphor, author.

Franziska: (goes into a whipping frenzy) OWWWWWW!

Speakers: Any attempt to damage the sporking theater's screen will be punished, you should know this already.

Phoenix: (Ow. That looks pai- (whipcrack) Yeouch!

Franziska: I might not be able to whip the screen, but I can still whip you, Phoenix Wright!

Phoenix: What did I do?!

Quote:

===AT THE BARRY LAIR===(A/N I am SO sorry for that stupid Barrylawn reference)

(The rumbling in the background is still faint, but growing louder)

Speakers: I asked you to fix a simple wall and you failed?!No, sir, it's just that as soon as we fixed the wall it started falling apart again....That is not a excuse! Fix this immediately or you're fired!Yes, sir....

All: ...

Maya: ....So, since when did Barrylawn get a secret lair?

Edgeworth: It's best not to question it, Ms. Fey.

Quote:

Barry was sitting on his golden throne with wings drinking wine in the air

Phoenix: What? Wings can drink wine?

Maya: Maybe it's a person named Wings?

Edgeworth: I believe the fic is trying to say that Barrylawn was sitting on a golden throne with wings, drinking wine in the air.

Franziska: Thank you for pointing out something completely obvious to all of us. Here, have this whip. (whipcrack)

Edgeworth: Nghoooooh!

Quote:

"No, none would defend this worthless life" said Phoenix "Barry Lawn, I charge you with being a troll fic author and killing people, do you deny these charges""no" said Barry "WAIT I MEAN-"So as you can see Your Honor" said Phoenix and he turned a bit before pointing "Barry is the killer"

Edgeworth: This is not a war crimes trial, author. And all trials must have a defense attorney!

Maya: Nick, you're cruel.

Phoenix: Well, he IS a badfic writer, but I would still defend him.

Quote:

"NOOO U CANT PROVE I KILLED THE VICTIM IN TURNABOUT ESCAPE"

Phoenix: But you just said you did.

Quote:

"But you just said you did" said Phoenix

Maya: Echo! (whipcrack) Ow!

Franziska: Let's move on.

Quote:

"NOOOOO" screamed Barry "I-IM JUST STUPID" he was forced to admit

Edgeworth: At the very least, the caps lock abuse isn't as bad as the last one.

Franziska: That is not a excuse, Miles Edgeworth! (whipcrack)

Edgeworth: Nghoooooh!

Quote:

But the court arrested him anyway and he was carried away kicking screaming and crying

Maya: That's real mature.

Phoenix: (Says the person who begs me to buy her a burger every day.)

Quote:

"Thank you for saving us from that little scrub Phoenix" said everyone"Your all welcome" said Phoenix

Edgeworth: Then he saved everybody by illegal means by prosecuting a case with no defense attorney.

Quote:

The end

All: Yay!

(The lights turn back on as all of our sporkers except Franziska yawn)

Phoenix: What time is it anyway?

Edgeworth: I would say around 1:30 in the morning.

Franziska: Management! You have wasted my time and you WILL pay! (whipcrack)

Speakers: Go ahead and try.

Franziska: Grr.....

Maya: Nick, I'm hungry, buy me a burger.

Phoenix: Sigh.....

(And so, our sporkers leave the theater, ready for another day)

Speakers: Have you fixed that wall yet? Not yet.... Then hurry up! NOW! Yes, sir...

(I'm glad I don't have to help with that.)

Speakers: Narrator, you are still under our command. We will make you help repair the fourth wall if you say another word.

(I'll be good.)

Yay! You made it to the end! Have a Dahalia On second thought...... never mind.Tell me how I did.....Please?

Author:

Southern Corn [ Thu Dec 29, 2016 3:52 am ]

Post subject:

Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Good grief,they added an addendum in the fix saying that they aren't a troll. This is crazy,man.

ALSO DONT YOU DARE HURT BARRYLAWN

Oh yeah,the sporting itself was good. It had a few giggly moments.

Author:

Alicewright [ Thu Dec 29, 2016 3:59 am ]

Post subject:

Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Ahahaha yeah.Could you tell me if everybody was in character? I'm working on another one and I want it to be as good as possible.

Considering what defines Feenie's character as different from Phoenix... I think I know which fic is coming up.

Author:

DrOcsid [ Sat Jan 07, 2017 5:49 am ]

Post subject:

Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

It’s been a while, and there’s been four new chapters of Steven Universe: Human of Bad, the story which is, surprisingly, AA-related. Which means, of course, it’s time for the next part of this sporking. Oho boy, here we go.

Phoenix: Well, he was kind of a strange man. Evil, but strange as well. A little creepy. I’d believe it.

Quote:

~ MEANWHILE ~nick wright was in hi lab base plotting his plan"ok so now i gone finally figure out what my plan is" said he

Phoenix: Well, that’s one way I haven’t seen my name said.

Amethyst: He seriously hasn’t even figured out his plan yet?

Quote:

waite what you mean you havent figure it out yet?"yeah i stil need to think it up" say phoenixoh ok

Pearl: Wait, who’s talking here?

Garnet: It seems the author is talking to Phoenix.

Phoenix: That… goes against so many rules of writing, I think my head is starting to spin.

Quote:

"ok so i think i need what to do is to go home so i gotta fidn a way to get bakc home so i can enact my REAL plan, whic is so i can get to hell so i can hepl edgeghost break out of there cause satan trappd him there after i breaked out of hell"

Phoenix: Wait, what the hell? When did I end up in hell?

Maya: Yeah, I don’t remember any of this.

Management: Non-sporked fanfic, sorry! You guys might end up with it at some point.

Pearl: Just how many of these are there…?

Phoenix: Also, another point here. Wasn’t I supposed to be the bad guy in this? My plan seems more genuinely good than evil.

Steven: Well, you did try to shoot me.

Maya: Maybe it’s one of those “complex motives and means” sort of things.

Phoenix: I doubt this guy has the writing capabilities to do something like that.

Quote:

phoenix wernt onto his compurer and typed into google "how to get to japanifornia"

Phoenix: Hahaha, overused localization joke.

Quote:

"ok" said phoenic "it says here i gott build a teleporter that wil take me back to home, but i need 2 get sumthing that will power it"so he type in2 google "source of big power""ok it say here that i need to get a rare mysticality gem artifact that will pwower my portal to home"

Maya: Wow, Google’s really gotten good over the past few years.

Quote:

"wait a secon i was aLREADY looking for that in tha first place"so he ran out he door to start lookin for the arti fact

Phoenix: Wait, why was I looking for it if I didn’t know I needed it?

Pearl: Not only does this author lack grammar, he seems to lack basic logic as well.

Amethyst: You’re only getting that now?

Quote:

~ MEANWHILE ~"ok" say damongant and they wer at homeworld warpe "so dis is a place where u saw phoenix wright?""yes" say pearl "this is where he face"

"HAHAHA" said gatn "i just got u to say what youre looking for""wait what""o shit" said garnete "hes lookin for the gem of ultimate power? but that has all the big power in the wordl, wat could he possible want ti for?"

Pearl: Well, I could imagine there would be many uses for such a thing, if it existed.

Maya: I know, right? Not only does that thing have power, it has big power. I don’t know what the difference is, but it sounds cool.

Quote:

"to TAKE OVER THE WORLD" sayed gant

Pearl: Yes, I suppose that’s one application for it.

Quote:

"wait what" said wright "no i jus want it so i can sav my friedn-" BUT THE GREMS ATTACK HIM

Maya: Wow, rude. You interrupted him.

Pearl: ...Grems?

Steven: [Singing] We are the Crystal Grems… We’ll always save the day…

Quote:

garnet tryed to punch wrighte but he dodge and pulld out his gun and pointde it at all of them

"AHAHA the shoe is on the other HAND NOW" said wrighte

Amethyst: Pff, you can’t intimidate us that easily!

Phoenix: Shoe… on the other hand? What’s with this guy screwing up common sayings like that?

Maya: Are you telling me you don’t wear your shoes on your hands?

Quote:

"no said gant" said gant

Phoenix: Uh.

Maya: Gant, are you okay?

Amethyst: Jakkid, are you okay?

Quote:

and he grabbed a rock and throwed it at wright and it hit him in the nose"OW" said wrighte and he accidental fired the gun and the bulet bouncd off a tree and hit him in the foot

Phoenix: What the hell kind of angle did I fire that gun from?! And how did the bullet ricochet off wood?

Quote:

"AAAARGN" said wright "ARE U FUKKING HIDDING ME THAT HAPPENED AGAIN? I HATE GUNS GODAMIT" and he was jumpin arond holding his foot

Maya: You suck at using guns, Phoenix.

Phoenix: That would probably be because I’ve never used a gun before.

Quote:

"ok wright ur under arest" said gant and wright got arested"shit" said wright who was in jail "i gotta escapey"

Phoenix: Okay, so I was arrested for what I assume to be attempted murder. And already, I’m thinking of escaping. Let me guess, I’m going to succeed?

Management: There are three more chapters of this in total. We’ll let you decide for yourself.

Pearl: Has anyone noticed that this story’s focus seems to have shifted completely from Steven to Phoenix?

Rating: Absolute trash. This is the author's first time writing a trollfic,and it shows. They try to misspell every word on purpose,and it just leads to utter confusion. It's trying too hard,and that's it's main downfall. The only reasons it didn't get higher is because at least the author had the common sense to admit it's garbage,and the secret message hidden in it was alright. Still one of the worst fanfics I've had the displeasure of reading.

The Sporkers: - "We're back here again?" -"This place gives me bad memories,but at least the food here's nice!" -"Don't bother,Ms. Fey. This place does not deserve compliments."

Spoiler:

The Sporkers meet up in the theatre.

Maya:Hey guys! Wasn't expecting to be back here so soon,eh?

Edgeworth:I would rather like if we never had to come back here again.

Speakers:But Mr.Edgeworth,you're our very favourite Spork Bitch-

Edgeworth:Yes,yes,I know how. Please don't call me such names.

Phoenix:So what are we sporking today anyway?

Oh,it's a trollfic from som-

Speakers:Hey,hey,that's my job,narrator!

Oops. Sorry,boss.

Phoenix:(Huh?What was that all about?)

Speakers:Anyway,today you're sporking a trollfic by someone new to the business!

Edgeworth:Oh joy.

Speakers:Well,let's start up this bad boy,huh?

Quote:

Man oh man,you may have thought some of the earlier stuff was bad,but here's some more purposefully bad stuff.

Phoenix:Is this the author being...normal?

Maya:...Huh. Didn't expect to see that.

Edgeworth:I doubt it will compensate for the inevitable bad grammar in the actual story,though.

Quote:

It all started in the PW dreams thread where fellow user Brammimond described a dream they had:

Maya:So wait,this was made because of a dream?!

Phoenix:That's certainly strange. What was it about anyway?

Quote:

"Phoenix and Maya are kind of dating, but it's only casual. Then Maya suddenly turns to him one day and says, "You know, Nick, I like where our relationship is at, but I think we should take things to the next level.""

Phoenix: *blush*

Maya: *blush*

Edgeworth: *facepalm*

Quote:

"But Phoenix is rather slow to what she's getting at, so he just nods and says, "O-Oh, okay. So like seeing each other more and updating our relationship status on Facebook?""

Maya:Well,they got your obliviousness spot on at least,Nick.

Phoenix:Hey!

Edgeworth:Actually,I don't think we've even gotten to the fic yet. This is just a description of the dream.

Quote:

""Actually...I'm talking about this." And then she pulls out a rattlesnake. "We need to spice things up a little. Aw, don't worry. He won't bite.""

Maya:Woah! This got juicy quick!

Edgeworth:Just what are you planning to do with that rattlesnake,Ms.Fey?

Quote:

"I really don't know what they intend to do with the rattlesnake. But I woke up right then and I don't think Subby wants to know either."

Maya:Darn. I'll guess we'll never know.

Phoenix:I for one am glad we'll never get to know. Though I guess the fic is there to rectify that,I suppose.

Edgeworth:...'Subby'?

Speakers:Subconscious.

Edgeworth:Who comes up with this nonsense?

Phoenix:Trollfic authors.

Quote:

Which I then responded to with a joke post about the fan fictions that could arise from this. But then they asked me to write one,featuring some other characters.

Phoenix:So this was written because of peer pressure?

Maya:So that's why they taught us to stay in school!

Phoenix:Maya,you lived in Kurain. I doubt there are many public schools over there.

Maya:Oh,shush. You get the idea.

Quote:

So I present to you...

Mayo's rattelsnek advuntre

by toomuchbathroomcorn2009

Phoenix:...I'm not even going to comment on that username.

Maya: Mayo? So I'm a condiment in this story?

Edgeworth:The part that troubles me the most is 2009. For most people,they use their birth year in their username. So the author is...not even eight?!

Phoenix:Nah,they're joking. I haven't seen too many kids under eight type that well at the beginning.

Edgeworth: *penalty* Ngghoooh! (I must be more careful with my assumptions...)

Quote:

hey nick maya said

yeah what is it mayo said cnik

Phoenix:So far,the lack of quote marks is really bothering me.

Edgeworth:As well as the fact that they spelt both your names wrong in the second line.

Phoenix:Yeah,'cnik' isn't a very good nickname.

Maya:Wait,why is the t in 'it' bold?

Edgeworth:They probably did it on purpose. Don't think too hard about it.

Quote:

then yamo pulld out a rittlsnaek

phenix shuted oh noes yummy wut r u duing

Edgeworth:They're already running out of ways they can misspell your name,Ms.Fey.

Maya:Yeesh,I don't think the author likes me very much. And look! The h in 'then' is also bolded! I think I may be onto something!

Phoenix:Eh,suit yourself. I think it's just a coincidence.

Maya:Either way,I'm noting all of this down! Let's see....t....h....okay,moving on.

Quote:

burger girl said hey nick i wanna lick ur ratelsnek

Maya:*blush*

Phoenix: *blush*

Edgeworth: *puts hand over face* Fic-you is about as subtle as a sledgehammer.

Phoenix:Y-yeah...and look,they've given up on misspelling your name already! They've just resorted to calling you 'burger girl'!

Maya:S-Speaking of burger girl,the i is bolded! Let's add it on....i...done! Okay,where were we?

Quote:

but penix sad not and he ded

Phoenix:Y-you do mean metaphorically,right?

Edgeworth:No,Wright,I believe you just died because of how astoundingly subtle Ms.Fey's message to you was.

Edgeworth:Are they trying to rip off Damon Gant escapes from Prison with the terrible author's notes?

Phoenix:What is 'ygs' and who is this Jack?

Speakers:I believe they're referring to Jack Douglass,a YouTuber. One of his series is called Your Grammar Sucks,or YGS for short. It revolves around him reading badly written comments on the internet and making fun of them. It's gotten millions of views and now he's famous because of it.

Phoenix:So basically what we do,but he earns money off of it?

Speakers:Yep.

Edgeworth:Sounds a bit ironic,if you ask me.

Maya:Speaking of this YGS,the s is bolded! Let me jot that down....done!

Maya:Though to be fair,that is a hard name to spell. But since when was he a detective?

Speakers:I repeat,the Sporkers will refrain from spoiling Spirit of Justice.

Maya:Look,the i is also bolded! One more for the list!

Edgeworth:....I still don't know about this 'Autotune Jesus',but I suppose it isn't best to move on.

Quote:

DETECTIVE AUTOTUNE JESUS came and said NO UR TRU LOEV IS NOT WRGHTIO ITS THE SNEK

Phoenix:Wait-

Maya:WHAAAAAAAT?! I'm in love with a snake now?!

Edgeworth:*penalty* NGHOOH! (A third of my bar,gone in a split second...)

Phoenix:Well,erm...the S in snek is bolded!

Maya:Oh,good eye,Nick! I'll jot that down! Yeah...um,let's move,

Edgeworth:Yes,I suppose it is best to move on as fast as possible.

Quote:

AND MAYA WAS LIEK OMG AND SHE FRENCH KISSSD HIM BUT THE SNIKS POISNO KLILD HRE

Maya:Ew.

Phoenix:That's what you get for French kissing a venomous reptile,Maya.

Edgeworth:Can we move on from this as well?

Maya:Wait,there's another bold letter! *jots down*

Quote:

THEN DTCIVE EJSUS TOOK OFF HIS MASK AND IT WAS DOLAN TEUMP WHO WANTED TO MAKE AA GREAT AGAIN BUT BY KLING YAMA AND PENZIS CUS HE FELT THAT THEIR CHARACTERS WERE POINTLESS IN THE NEW YAMAZAKI GAMES SND THT DGS2 WAS THE WRIGHT (A/N git it u gyus) WAY TWO GO

Phoenix:Whoa,that's a lot of stuff in one paragraph.

Maya:And a lot of bold letters! Give me a minute. *jots down*

Speakers:I think for just this paragraph I'll let you break the fourth wall.

Edgeworth:Let me break this down. So this 'Detective Jesus' turns out to be Donald Trump,which is pointlessly political. But then his motivations are to make our series great again by killing Wright and Ms.Fey because he found your roles absolutely pointless in Dual Destinies and Spirit of Justice and that Dai Gyakuten Saiban's sequel was the correct path. I am extremely confused.

Phoenix:This trollfic is way more complex than you gave it credit for,Edgeworth.

Edgeworth:NGHOOOOOOOH! *penalty* (I only have a fifth of my bar left now...)

Maya:Okay,I'm done jotting the bolded letters down. Sheesh,I think the author's thoughts on the series is showing here.

Speakers:Alright,that's enough. We have to hire some more workers to fix the fourth wall. Moving right along...

Phoenix:I think the author's grasp on the English language is weakening. And did they call me a pony?

Maya:Ooh,three bold letters in a row! *jots down* Anyway,I think I can translate. 'But then-oh,sorry,my caps lock was on-anyway,the REAL Detective Jesus came and killed him and resurrected Phoenix and Maya.'

Phoenix:You're way too good at this.

Maya:Comes with years of experiencing bad fics.

Edgeworth:Is no one going to mention that the author forgot to remove caps lock?

Quote:

yummylicious apollogisd to phiny and sed she wasnt intristed

Maya:You bet I'm yummylicious!

Quote:

phony sed its ok im into edgeypoo anyway

Phoenix:*winces*

Maya:*grins*

Edgeworth:NGHGOOOOOOGHGOH! *penalty* (I still have a tenth of my bar left. I can do this...)

then the credits showd up (A/N not down) and it said DIRECTED BY SOME ASSHAT WHO THINKS HES IRONICALLY FUNNY CALLED toomuchbathroomcorn2009 AND THIS IS WHY U SHOLD STAY IN SCHOOL KIDZ

Phoenix:You said it best,credits guy.

Maya:That guy's my spirit animal.

Edgeworth:Even the author acknowledges this is garbage. Though that doesn't make it better by any means.

Quote:

and then i wuz all NO SHUT UP CREDITS GUY and i kiked him out

Maya:No,not credits guy!

Phoenix:We'll certainly miss him.

Quote:

then i wrote THE END

THE END (A/N lol get it guys its meta lol yum yum anyway have the goodest day and drive safe)

Edgeworth:Your meta humour fails to impress me,author.

Phoenix:I thought you were interested in the villain's motivations,though.

Edgeworth:That was different. It was actually somewhat well conceived,which is about the only thing I can give this fic.

Maya:Yum yum? The heck does that mean?

Quote:

....

Edgeworth:Yes,let us have a moment of silence for all those who endured this pile of-

Phoenix:Relax,we're almost there. You can vent afterwards.

Quote:

I hope to return to actually writing something of interest,so this should be the last of this [CENSORED] you'll see on this topic. Anyway,I deeply apologise to you,and remember to wear your seat belts or you CAN'T drive safe.

Edgeworth:Did he really have to say drive safe twice? Either way,I refuse to accept this halfhearted apology.

Phoenix:I'm glad we won't be seeing more of him in the future at least.

Quote:

And I did leave a not so secret hidden message here. Look for it if you must.

Maya:Oh right,the bold letters!

Phoenix:So do they spell out something,Maya?

Maya:Let's see...Oh,wow! It really was a secret message!

Phoenix:What does it say?

Maya:Well,I wrote it all in caps. It says,'THIS IS SHΙT SO SORRY TO EVERYONE'.

Phoenix:That's not exactly very secretive. Everyone who read this knows that.

Maya:I actually kinda enjoyed tracking down the secret message on that one. Otherwise though,it was trash.

Phoenix:This was one of the worst experiences of my life. No pros or cons. Very close to Phoenix Drive and Law Plus Chaos on the scale.

And thus our heroes go home-one of them unconscious. But is this the last we will see of them this month?!---

So that was that! Hope you enjoyed! Leave some constructive criticism if you can! I'd appreciate it.i really needed to vent on this one since i did not like writing this schiße

Author:

Alicewright [ Fri Jan 27, 2017 1:11 am ]

Post subject:

Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

I like it! It was funny at some parts and I was laughing the entire time.Though I do think that Miles Edgeworth should have been more harsh on the grammar.....but I digress.Keep up the good work!

Author:

Alicewright [ Fri Jan 27, 2017 1:42 am ]

Post subject:

Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

I am so sorry that this took so long, I kinda lost all my progress.....stupid blackout! Oh well, It gave me a chance to fix some of the jokes and reorganize everything. So without further ado, here it is!phoenix wright turnabout mathsThree Sahwits: The first part was...decent. I could at least understand and read it. The second half.....what the hell is going on?Author: Lord barrylawn.Original fic:https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12135949/1 ... bout-maths

And here are today's sporkers! Phoenix Wright!Today's management seems happy.... that's never a good sign.

Miles Edgeworth!Where are we?

Maya Fey!Come on guys, cheer up!

And a very special guest... Feenie!Where am I? And where's dollie?!

HUH?!

(We begin in our special theater, with everybody staring at Feenie in shock)

Edgeworth: Wright?!

Maya: Nick?!

Phoenix: Me?! What is going on?

Feenie: Ahh! Stop staring at me!

Speakers: Ahem. So, how do you like our surprise?

Phoenix: No! Get him out!

Maya: Why, Nick? He's not that bad...

Edgeworth: Ms. Fey, I have to agree with Wright here. He must go out or we will lose our sanity.

Feenie: Hey......you look just like Edgey! Did I end up in the future? And you look just like me! Are you future me, the person with the hair spikes?

Phoenix: Gee thanks.

Speakers: Feenie, you have indeed been teleported into the future for one purpose: to spork this fanfic.

Feenie: That sounds awesome! Can Dollie come too?

Speakers: No.

Feenie: Meanies!

Quote:

PHOENIX LITTLE

TURNABOUT MATHS

Edgeworth: And we already have Caps Lock abuse. *sighs*

Feenie: I wish Dollie was here!

Phoenix: .....Take this as advice from your future self: do not go out with Dahlia.

Maya: Yeah! She's a murderer!

Speakers: The management would like to remind Maya Fey to refrain from releasing spoilers to the future. Seriously, do you want to destroy the timeline?

Feenie: You're mean! Dollie isn't a murderer! We were meant to be! We're the Romeo and Juliet of the 20th century!

Phoenix: (The 20th century ended a long time ago, dude.)

Speakers: How many times must we remind you to not break the fourth wall?

Maya: I give up.

Quote:

BY BARRYLAWN

Maya: You promised we wouldn't spork his fanfics!

Speakers: We said maybe. It's wasn't definite.

Feenie: Barrylawn?

Quote:

one day little phenix was in his classroom in mats class with his teacher ron juicy who is teacher for everything

Edgeworth: I don't even know how to grammatically correct this atrocity.

Feenie: Our teacher isn't this "Ron" guy!

Phoenix: So Ron Delite is going to be our math teacher? Great.

Maya: No, Nick! He's your mats teacher! He teaches you how to write math problems on mats and then solve them!

Edgeworth: Am I the only one who read the last part?!

Phoenix and Feenie: *read the last part* Ohhhhh....

Edgeworth: *facepalm*

Quote:

"now 4 teh necks question" said juicyboi correcting teh homewreck "

Maya: Not the necks question!

Phoenix: Juicyboi? I thought our teacher was Ron.

Feenie: And it's "homework", not "homewreck"!

Edgeworth: No, it's "homewreck" due to your grades back then.

Maya: Ooh, burn!

Quote:

"ax - somethignkgntoinon"

All: .....

Maya: I got nothing.

Speakers: Hmm, even Feenie is at a loss for words.

Quote:

cause phenix wasnt payin attention so he dint let it in

Phoenix: Let what in?

Feenie: Duh, the math problem! Did you lose brain cells when growing up?

Phoenix: I think you should apply that to yourself.

Edgeworth: I wonder why the management didn't call in Franziska when there are this many gramatical errors.

Speakers: We have our reasons.

Quote:

however 3 seconds into teh question mr juice got STUCK

Maya: Oh no!

Feenie: Mr. Juice?

Phoenix: Wasn't Juicyboi or whoever that is talking?

Quote:

"UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" he sweated "gimme a second"

Phoenix: (Mr. Juicy....Juicyboi......Ron Juice...) AHH!

Maya: What? What?

Phoenix: I got it! This isn't Ron Delite, it's a fictional character that the author made called Ron Juice, and so "Juicyboi" and "Mr. Juice" must be him!

Feenie: Wow! Future me is a genius!

Edgeworth: 2 seconds ago you were asking if he lost brain cells.

Quote:

he went to desk to work out the question

Maya: Hello, desk, could you solve this problem for me?

Feenie: No, he went to his desk to solve the problem! Anybody could figure that out.

Speakers: That does not excuse this author from writing this atrocious piece of fanfiction! (whipcrack)

Feenie: Ahhh! You're scaring me!

Edgeworth: How long have you been here for?

Speakers: We only brought her in for the sake of fulfilling Phoenix's wish.

Phoenix: I didn't mean literally!

Speakers: What can we say? Be carefull of what you wish for.

Quote:

but juicy was still figuring out the question"ughhhhhh FINE ILL DO IT" phoenix stood up for his big turnabout "ILL SLOVE THIS MASTERFUL PUZZLE"

Phoenix: He's STILL figuring it out?

Feenie: Wow, this Ron guy must be really stupid.

Maya: Aren't turnabouts reserved for trials?

Quote:

"OBJECTION" shouted prosecutor juicy "no u cant"

Phoenix: So we just went from a classroom to a courtroom. Yay.

Maya: That's because "Ron" is a superhero!

Feenie: Who wears undies and flies at night!

Maya: And is also secretly a prosecutor!

Feenie: Who points his finger at everything and yells, "OBJECTION!"

Edgeworth: ......I don't even want to know how you two came up with that.

Maya: Well, you try to come up with a story off the top of your head!

Feenie: Yeah! It's harder than it looks!

Quote:

"no u bitch ive solved it ALL!" phoenix point accusingly "(actually no its just a bluff lol)"

Maya: Woah, Nick, language!

Phoenix: I don't swear like that. Also, why would I tell "Ron" or whoever he is that I was bluffing?

Edgeworth: You don't. Although you do bluff more than you think....

Phoenix: Come on! It isn't that bad....right?

Maya: ....

Edgeworth: ....

Feenie: .....I bluff? No way! There's no way I'd bluff to my dear Dollie! I'd rather be arguing about ladders and stepladders than bluff to Dollie!

Phoenix: ....How did you know about that?

Quote:

phenix went up to teh backboard"hmmmmm gotta solve this" he saidhe pondered this puzzle but THERE NO EVIDENNNNNNCE"CRAP" shouted phoenix

Maya: How about we just agree to keep silent for the rest of this fic?

Speakers: Don't you dare.

Maya: Oh yeah? What're you going to do about it, huh?

Speakers: We could permanently remove the snack bar.

Maya: No! I'll be good!

Quote:

"i still think its dressing gon" said miles

Phoenix: What does a dressing gown have to do with the answer?

Feenie: Maybe it IS the answer?

Edgeworth: In your drea-

Quote:

"THATS IT MILLS" shouted phenix and he slam the desk "the letters here stand for dg which is fist 2 letters of dgs but thats not localize so thats impossible so the only other thing they could mean... IS DRESING GOWN! BECAUSE THAT IS THE TRUE WORD, AND TEH ANSWER TO QUESTION"

Edgeworth: N-Nghoooooooooooooooooooooooooh! (bar explodes)

Phoenix: ....Yeah, we've hit rock bottom. How in the name of Sherlock and Iris Holmes is a dressing gown the answer to the question?!

Maya: Yeah, no matter how you look at it, the equation doesn't make sense in the first place!

Feenie: I told you! I TOLD YOU it was the answer!

Speakers: ....Any more attempts to sabotage the fourth wall will be punished.

Maya: Oh yeah? You're still sour over that last sporking are you, huh?

Feenie: Yeah! You're not the boss of us, Dollie is!

Speakers: We can easily erase you out of existence, so wise up and listen to us. And Maya Fey, references to past sporkings are forbidden.

Phoenix: ...As much as I want to rebel, I'll comply. We don't want to be deleted.

Edgeworth: (Nngh......half my truth bar.....gone in a instant.....)

Quote:

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" screamed team hosecrotch and they got expelled

Maya: Team hosecrotch.....?

Phoenix: I don't even want to think about what that's implying.

Quote:

THE END

All: Yay!

(The lights come on in the sporking theater as all our sporkers stand up and stretch their arms.)

Phoenix: That was....interesting.

Edgeworth: No. That was a mess and deserves to rot in the halls of this wretched theater.

Maya: Then let's go! I still have to get some snacks!

Phoenix: Didn't you just have some before we went?!

Maya: But Nick, that only filled up one of my stomachs! I need to fill up the others!

Phoenix: *sighs*

(The three leave. Only Feenie is left in the theater.)

Speakers: Feenie, let's go.

Feenie: That was fun! I can't wait to tell Dollie about this!

*zap*

Hurrah! We've arrived at the end of another powerfully stupid fic.

Tell me how I did! Feenie kinda wants to know t-

Speakers:

Management, no. I am in control and you have to listen to me.

Speakers: Grr......

You know what I mean. Us people in the second dimension get more power over this stuff. Afer all, we write the sporks.....

Speakers: Okay, okay, FINE!

And with that, see you guys later!

Toodles!

Author:

cuteyounggirlplus [ Fri Jan 27, 2017 2:06 am ]

Post subject:

Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

That was different than what I was expecting.

Author:

Alicewright [ Fri Jan 27, 2017 4:07 am ]

Post subject:

Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Was it okay? I'm kinda nervous that I made Feenie OOC....

Author:

Southern Corn [ Fri Jan 27, 2017 10:49 am ]

Post subject:

Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Other than the fact that he didn't even know the Steel Samurai until 1-3, you did a bit too well in his characterisation. I did overall enjoy it though. Team hosecrotch is #1.

And thanks for the criticism! Glad you enjoyed it. I'll take what you said into consideration for my next sporking.

I'll give it that its grammar is actually good,but the ship here looks like it was taken from the random pairings generator and the characters are all OOC. Even the descriptions have some weird details that make no sense. The ending especially makes no sense. At least this wasn't a trollfic.

Our Sporkers tonight are: -"Back in this place again. Great." -"If this keeps up I'll overdose on Snackoos. -"Now,now,fräulein,it'll be alright. How bad could it be?" -"Oh,this place again! This should be fun!"

Spoiler:

The Sporkers arrive at the theatre-some jaded and cynical,others joyous and optimistic.

“Brrr!” The cowboy shivered as he got inside, casting his coat off. “Krissi?” Neil called out. “Are ya here?” No response. He wandered into the living room and found a small note written in Kristoph Gavin’s perfect cursive handwriting.

Apollo:Wait,wha-

Klavier:WHAAAAAAAAAT?!

Ema:Wait,is this-

Speakers:Yep,this is a Neil/Kristoph fic.

Apollo:What the hell,author?! Did you pick two people randomly for this fic to ship? How do you come up with this?!

Klavier:I can't take this... *puts hand in face*

Speakers:All Sporkers are to pay attention to the fic at all times.

Apollo:You know what,Trucy? You can have my popcorn.

Trucy:But don't you want it?

Apollo:The only thing I want now is a barf bag.

Quote:

Neil- went to pick up some food from this little place on the coast. Be back around 10. –Kristoph.

The prosecutor smiled. That was his Krissi. Always trying to do something fancy when Neil was happy with cold pizza. Of course, that had made the last few months quite memorable. All the fancy restaurants and home cooked meals.

Apollo:I just can't picture Mr.Gavin going to get some food.

Ema:Scientifically,he should be in his early twenties here. Who knows what he was like back then?

Klavier:Oh,I don't know. His own BROTHER?!

Trucy:You seem on edge today already,Mr.Gavin.

Klavier:Sorry,fräulein,but the number of fan fictions that misrepresent mein brüder so angers me. Even if he is a murderer!

[Neil goes to Kristoph's miniature office (which is for some reason situated in Neil's house) and sees a strange entry on his journal.]

Quote:

It puzzled him. All of the previous entries were written in beautiful, flowing English. This… this was different. Sadly different. What he read hurt Neil to his core. It seemed almost like a child had written it.

Apollo:Let me guess,more character misrepresentation.

Quote:

“Mr. Hammond hit me today. I don’t know why. I was in the copy room when I accidentally bumped into him. He started saying mean things and I got scared. I turned to leave when I felt something hit me from behind. I fell down and passed out.”

Neil sat, speechless. “God….” He said quietly. He continued reading.

Apollo:To be fair,that would be my reaction if I saw Mr.Gavin type like an elementary school student.

Ema:Mr.Hammond? From the Edgeworth murder case?

Trucy:Edgeworth?! You mean Uncle Edgeworth got killed?!

Ema:No,but a few months before Mr.Wright defended my sister,Mr.Edgeworth was accused for murder. The victim was a D.A named Robert Hammond. Thankfully,your father defended him and got him off scott free.

Apollo:So this Hammond guy is now hazing Mr.Gavin? This isn't high school,it's a freaking law office! He does realise he's a lawyer and he can sue for assault,right?

Klavier:You're expecting too much of this fic,Herr Forehead.

Quote:

“I woke up in my office and my head and chest hurt. My right eye was black. I stayed until I was sure everyone had left.”

The last line caused the cowboy and veteran Prosecutor to bury his face in his hands and cry. It was simply the most horrible thing he’d ever read.

Apollo:It is pretty horrible,but for way different reasons.

Trucy:If he fell on his back,then how come he got a black eye? Did Mr.Hammond rotate his body and hit him some more?

Quote:

Neil closed the document and let his head droop. He had no idea things were that bad for Kristoph. He knew Krissi had been bullied, but not like that.

Not like that…..You just don’t do that to people, Neil thought to himself, especially people who had gone through as much as Kristoph. His life had been the exact opposite of Neil’s.

Ema:Oh,are we getting some backstory now? This should be great.

Klavier:This should be bad.

Quote:

Neil had grown-up with a loving family on a sprawling Texas ranch. Krissi had grown-up with abusive parents in Germany. Neil spent his younger days raising and riding horses. Krissi had raised his little brother Klavier after their parents abandoned them. Neil never had to leave anyone. Krissi had to leave Klavier with their aunt and uncle to attend Law School in the United States. Neil had lots of friends. Krissi had Neil.

Trucy:I thought Detective Skye said he wasn't from Texas.

Ema:I had a feeling that they'd make that mistake.

Apollo:Are we just going to ignore the elephant in the room?

Klavier:If we wish to preserve my sanity,we do.

Ema:So I think it's safe to say that this backstory is heavily inaccurate.

Klavier:*clenches fist* Very much so.

Apollo:(Whoa! He's seriously angry.)

Quote:

Neil’s mind tried to wrap around how this could have happened. Had Robert Hammond actually beaten the young man who was now his lover?

“The world…” Neil drawled. “…I hate it.” He said slowly, rising from the chair. “People like that need to be taught a lesson….” He said to himself. People like Hammond never stopped. Words just didn’t work.

But, fists did.

Ema:*throws snackoo at screen* Mr.Marshall would never assault anyone unless someone's life depended on it!

Apollo:You know what else works? Suing. Also,reporting him to his boss. And-

Klavier:Do stop,Herr Forehead,else we be here for eternity.

Trucy:So is Mr.Marshall becoming a psychopath now?

Apollo:The author is probably going to try and romanticise this inevitable assault on Mr.Hammond,won't they?

[Neil drives to the Grossberg Law Office,which is where Hammond works. He reminisces about when he first met Kristoph and when-]

Klavier:No need to elaborate any further,management. Do continue.

Speakers:Spoilsport.

Quote:

He cleared his throat as he pulled into the parking garage and hid his truck in the shadow of a large, dreary concrete pillar. He scanned the dimly lit area. He noticed Hammond’s car. He closed his eyes and exhaled slowly.

Apollo:How does he know what Hammond's car looks like?

Ema:He's probably been here before since the fop's brother apparently works here. The real question is,is he going to do what I think he's going to do?

Quote:

“Ok, Neil. Here we go.” He said to himself as he slowly exited the car and proceeded to rip the side mirrors off of Hammond’s obnoxiously large SUV. This brought him a measure of happiness, but he was still seeing red. How dare that old piece of [explicit] hurt his Krissi.

Ema:Yep,he did. *throws snackoo at screen*

Apollo:Wait,since when have we been censoring?

Speakers:Oh,Mr.Wright contacted us about that. Since his daughter is here today,he asked that we censor all cuss words to 'preserve her innocence'.

Trucy:Oh,daddy needs to learn I'm not a little girl anymore! I'll have to talk with him when we get home.

Klavier:How can Herr Marshall even tear off side mirrors with such ease? You'd have to drive into someone for those to come off like that.

Ema:Eh,fic-Marshall has been shown to be sadistic. I'm sure his rage limits are pretty high. Who knows his strength?

Quote:

His mind skipped around as he rode the elevator to the upper-floor offices. What he had for breakfast, Krissi’s suit size. Things like that. As he leaned against the rear of the chamber, he just couldn’t dispel that journal entry from his mind. It had burned itself in his head the minute he had read it. Neil resolved that after this was over, he and Krissi would get so drunk they wouldn’t even remember this night.

Ema:How mature. *throws snackoo at screen*

Speakers:The Management would like to request Ema Skye not to throw snackoos at the screen.

Ema:Fine then. *throws snackoo at Apollo*

Apollo:Ow! (...I just got snackoo'd.)

Quote:

“Huh.” Neil wondered aloud. By now, he was talking to himself in his mind. “I wonder why Krissi took a job here. I mean, I’ve met mailboxes with better personalities than the people who work here.” Marvin Grossberg was, for lack of a more erudite term, a fat [explicit]. Mia Fey’s brain was a good 25 pounds smaller than her [explicit].

Apollo:Ow! (Snackoo'd again.)

Ema:Mia Fey was my sister's best friend,and she was intellectually equal to her,thank you very much! The real Mr.Marshall should know better than to be so rude as well as sexist!

Trucy:Wait,isn't Mia Fey my daddy's mentor?

Ema:That's actually how I met your father. Funny story.

Apollo:Is he talking to himself or thinking to himself? I'm confused.

Quote:

Diego Armando, whom Neil had known for awhile, was a friend. Albeit a friend who was a cinch for the [explicit] hall of fame. Then, there was Robert Hammond, who was living proof that [explicit] can in fact pile up to astounding heights. It was amazing anyone would willingly want to work here. As he pondered, he smiled at the fact he had beaten every Defense Attorney who worked here at least 5 times in Court.

Ema:The only 'explicit' I see here is fic-Marshall!

Apollo:'Beaten at least five times in court'? Good to know the guy's humble as well as caring for the truth.

Ema:Yeah,he's worse than the fop!

Klavier:I'm right here,fräulein detective. I'm also not in a very good mood,so I would advise you to choose your words wisely.

Ema:*gulp*

Trucy:So far,I can't exactly see how Mr.Marshall's the good guy here.

Quote:

As the silver doors slid open, Neil grimaced at the stench of cheap aftershave. Neil figured these big shots could afford better stuff. As he weaved through the mess of cubicles and potted plants, his resolved strengthened. Someone had beaten the only man he truly loved. Neil punched a small hole in a cubicle wall. He wanted to set fire to the whole building, but managed to refrain from doing so. Barely. His normally soft blue eyes flamed as he approached the office.

Ema:Isn't Grossberg Law Offices supposed to be really posh looking?

Apollo:Yeah,I think I've seen a picture of it before. And do law offices really have cubicles?!

Klavier:What,don't you work in a law office? Oh,sorry,it's an 'Anything Agency'.

Trucy:Yes it is! But didn't you work at Gavin Law Offices before,Polly?

Apollo:I had my own office there. No cubicles for me. (Ah,the good old days...)

Ema:Anyway,it looks like it's going to get interesting here. Is he really going to assault Hammond?

Suddenly,the lights come back on.

Everyone:Huh?

Speakers:We have decided this is taking too long. So you're free to go now. We'll call you back within a couple of days for the next part though.

Klavier:Ah,danke,management. I needed this.

Apollo:Well,that was terrible so far. And we didn't even get to the interesting part!

Ema:The grammar was actually good,but it's kinda stacked against just the horrible pairing and blatant misrepresentation of character.

Trucy:I kinda had fun. I even finished both my bags of popcorn!

And thus,the Sporkers leave the theatre for now, but little do they now that they will be returning there faster than they think...

Once again,constructive criticism appreciated.

Part 2 coming soon!

Author:

cuteyounggirlplus [ Fri Jan 27, 2017 10:33 pm ]

Post subject:

Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

This spork made me laugh out loud. We usually don't censor swear words but it is in character for Phoenix to try to prevent Trucy from seeing the truly offensive fanfics. I'm not sure if I like how Management honored Phoenix's request without any strings attached.

That being said, I think this fic deserves an extra sahwit for that commentary on Mia alone.

Author:

Southern Corn [ Sat Jan 28, 2017 3:45 am ]

Post subject:

Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

How do you know there aren't any strings attached yet? ;)

And actually,I may have to up the rating a bit for the second half because that's where things get pretty [explicit].

Anyway,thanks for the criticism!

Author:

Southern Corn [ Sat Jan 28, 2017 9:15 am ]

Post subject:

Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

And here's part two of Cowboy Up! But this time,I'm increasing the rating to 4 . Why? Because this ending does so many things wrong to another degrees entirely that it's nearly impossible to ignore. It also doesn't help that Neil acts like an ass here.

The Sporkers are: -"Oh,great. This wonderful fic." -"I wonder what's going to happen now. Probably some more character destruction. -"Oh,cheer up,you guys! It's going to be alright from here. -"NEIN,fräulein! It shall only worsen!"And... -"Why am I here again?"

Spoiler:

Our Sporkers meet up again in the theatre,with a certain someone else with grape juice in hand.

Trucy:Daddy?! What are you doing here?

Phoenix:You know how last time I asked the Management to censor all cuss words? Well,that was a deal with the devil,and I had to pay it back by watching the rest of this fic with you.

Apollo:Oh,okay. Do you want me to fill you in,Mr.Wright?

Phoenix:Actually,the Management gave me a script of what's already been shown. To be honest,I'm partially amused yet mostly appalled.

Klavier:I wish I could even feel amused...

Phoenix:Honestly,the idea of Neil x Kristoph is laughable. But the way they handled the whole thing is terrible. Not to mention the very apparent sexism.

Ema:Oh,you mean the comment about Ms.Fey?

Phoenix:*grips his bottle tightly* Very much so.

Speakers:Anyway,let's continue from where we left off. Let's see..I think it was right......here!

Quote:

“Alright, you [explicit].Let’s dance.” Neil said as he barged in to an empty office.

Darn, that was a great entrance too…

Apollo:Yeah,real great.

Phoenix:Actually,is he going to beat up Hammond now?

Ema:That's what we think.

Trucy:Daddy,is it true that you defended Uncle Edgeworth for Mr.Hammond's murder?

Phoenix:Oh,yes. It was a long time ago. He was killed by one of his clients whom he had pleaded insanity for. That verdict had in turn ruined his life,and thus he was murdered. A sad story,but I don't think he was slimy or stupid enough to resort to hazing in a law office.

Klavier:Herr Wright,we already beat that dead horse to a pulp last time. Can we please move on?

Apollo:(Already Prosecutor Gavin is in a bad mood. This should be interesting.)

Quote:

Neil looked around. Hmmm, briefcase by the desk…. Tie and coat still on the rack…. Hammond was still here. Neil looked over the rather large office with disgust. It was typical. Everything was there to brag. He even had pictures of himself on his walls.

Apollo:So he's also a narcissist?

Trucy:Daddy,we should make our office look like this sometime!

Phoenix:Aw,but your props are such effective client magnets!

Quote:

“Now that’s tacky.” Neil remarked. This was a far cry from his at the Prosecutor’s Office. Even that kid with the frills didn’t have a place this garish. Where was that sack of [explicit].Neil stepped out and observed the rows and rows of large offices. His eyes drifted about. There it was. Sitting snug in a windowless corner was the miniature office Krissi worked in. Neil moved stealthily, still looking for Hammond, and inched inside.

Klavier:He...he really is about to do it,isn't he?

Phoenix:To be fair though,Edgeworth does have a garish office.

Quote:

It was almost cute. Despite the downright tiny size, it was immaculate. Everything was clean. Not an ink stain or pile of paper in sight. As he admired that pristine workspace, he sighed. Kristoph really deserve better than this. He also laughed when he noticed an iPod with the label “Country Music” on it. Nice to know I’ve influenced him some, Neil thought.

Ema:Who marks their iPod with the music on it?

Apollo:And where are all the papers? Does this guy get much business?

Trucy:He probably keeps them in the desk. That thing is huge!

Quote:

A sharp buzz.

Apollo:Uh oh.

Quote:

Neil pivoted and peered back into the cubicle area. There was his game. In the copy room. He hid behind the door as he waited for Hammond to return to his office. A fight in the copy room just didn’t seem to have that dramatic vibe that Neil wanted. No, Neil wanted to embarrass this man in his own disgusting office.

Klavier:Let's hope it stays as just an embarrassment,ja?

Phoenix:Why's he here so late?

Klavier:God knows,Herr Wright. God knows.

Quote:

With remarkable grace, Neil maneuvered himself back to Hammond’s office. Hiding in the large shadow cast by the door. As he heard the approaching man whistle, he grabbed the tie from the coat rack. He watched with sharp eyes as Hammond entered, he smiled as threw the tie up and wrapped it around Robert Hammond’s throat. He flailed immediately.

Ema:NO! *throws snackoo at screen*

Speakers:The management would like to request Ema Skye not to throw snackoos at the screen.

Ema:Fine then! *throws snackoo at Apollo*

Apollo:Ow! (Why me?)

Klavier:Why did it have to come to this?

Phoenix:Trucy,don't look! *covers Trucy's eyes*

Speakers:All Sporkers are requested to pay attention to the screen at all times.

Quote:

“Sorry.” Neil began, laughter in his voice. “Are office hours up?” He twisted the tie and pulled harder, enjoying his role as the aggressor.

“Tell me…” Neil started in an inquisitive drawl, loosening the tie enough so the kicking man could talk. “Didn’t you learn being a bully really doesn’t pay off?”

Apollo:The irony in that last line is mind boggling.

Ema:Well,it's not just an embarrassment anymore,fop. He's plain strangling him.

Phoenix:Hammond died a couple of years after Marshall,so it's safe to say that unless this is some sort of alternate universe,he'll live for a while. Which means he can identify his attacker.

Klavier:This is a fic which is promoting the shipping of Herr Marshall and mein brüder. I think it's safe to say this is an AU,ja? *sigh*

Quote:

“W….what?” Hammond wheezed, his face turning several odd shades of red and blue. He had just finished copying fliers for his book signing. Now, he was being strangled.

“July 15th.” Neil spat, punching Hammond in the side. “Remember?”

Hammond shook his head, still trying vainly to break free from Neil’s iron grasp. What the Heck was the Prosecutor talking about?

“What are you doing, Marshall?” Hammond gasped in a croaking tone that brought a smile to Neil’s face.

Phoenix:Now Marshall's a sadist too? Great.

Apollo:Book signing? He's an author too?

Trucy:He probably wrote one of those law books that Daddy owns but he never reads.

With a firm, nearly disabling punch to Hammond’s kidneys, Neil pulled off on the tie.

Apollo:Is this going to turn into the kink meme?

Phoenix:Ssh,Apollo! Trucy's here!

Apollo:Oh,sorry.

Trucy:Either way,I'm still disturbed.

Phoenix:Curse you,management!

Speakers:Hey,you never said to censor all the gore and violence.

Quote:

A black and blue bruise mark highly visible. Clearly, this was just getting good. As Hammond collapsed, Neil landed a few strong kicks to the ribs, each blow sounding a dull ‘thunk’. The cowboy grinned as Hammond tried to get to his desk. That little action earned him a boot to the neck.

Apollo:I'll say this is getting good,alright.

Phoenix:Place your bets,everyone! Will Hammond die or live?

Apollo:Pfft,die.

Klavier:I hope he dies just to make things faster.

Trucy:I don't think you can live through this.

Ema:Scientifically,it's possible,but you would never be able to live normally ever again. But it's scientifically more probable that he's dead.

Phoenix:And I guess I'm alone in this. Well,let's continue!

Quote:

“Why? Why do you think it’s okay?” Neil demanded, pulling the telephone off the desk, just in case.

Apollo:I agree with Mr.Hammond on this. There's no way he's stable. He clearly had a lot of time to think this true and actually sue Hammond for this. But no,do the 'noble','high-handed' route.The author is trying too hard to romanticise this trash.

Ema:Even if Hammond dies,Mr.Marshall will have left plenty of traces over this place. The tie,the car,the door...it's really irrefutable.

Klavier:Like they said,he's insane.

Quote:

“Don’t play dumb with me!” Neil roared. “You know damn well what I’m talking about! Kristoph Gavin! That name ringin’ any bells for ya?”

Phoenix:He works in the same office as you?

Quote:

Hammond winced. What did the little blonde rookie have to do with this? The last time he had even spoken to him was in the copy ro- Oh. [explicit].

Klavier:So he really did haze him. *facepalm*

Apollo:You know,the censorship kinda ruins scenes like this.

Phoenix:Eh,they were ruined to begin with.

Quote:

“Marshall, I… he fell… He’s clumsy and stupid.” Hammond pleaded.

Neil was not amused. “He’s only clumsy because he’s scared of pieces of [explicit] like you!” Neil practically screamed, moving closer. His fists clenched.

“It’s.. just hazing… Everyone goes through it!” Hammond pleaded.

Trucy:He's admitting it so easily?

Ema:I think that's supposed to be a commentary on hazing in government institutions,but the circumstances surrounding this are nonsensical.

Quote:

“Hazing?” Neil repeated, lifting the man by his over-gelled hair. “So, if he cries himself to sleep every night, that’s just how it goes? Huh?”

Hammond tried a different route. “He’s… a [explicit],Marshall!! He doesn’t have the guts to do this job! All he ever does is paperwork. And write about his boyfriend!”

Phoenix:Wait,how does Hammond know that last part? Did he steal Kristoph's journal?

Apollo:Sheesh,this really is more like high school than a law office.

Ema:All he does is paperwork? Yeah,like you don't do that.

Quote:

Oh, this is great, Neil thought. “Boyfriend? Well, Robert… who do you think is kicking your [explicit] right now?” The Cowboy taunted with near sadistic glee. “Surprise.”

Trucy:He knew that Mr.Gavin had a boyfriend by looking at his journal,but didn't figure out his identity? And this guy's supposed to be the top lawyer of the law office?

Klavier:Not a surprise. Everyone here is dumb.

Quote:

Hammond’s face broke into a look of horror. What? This was the boyfriend? Wow. That jumpy little blonde was dating one of the best Prosecutors in the city. Thinking Neil was distracted, Hammond shook free and bolted for the door.

Ema:Really? So he didn't figure it out? He is an idiot after all. Mr.Edgeworth surpassss him in the logic department by far.

Quote:

“Yeehaw!!” Neil hollered, quickly catching up with the fleeing man. He grabbed Hammond by the back of the neck, pulling him back. “Runnin’ from a fight? Who’s the [explicit] now?”

Apollo:It is a pretty one sided fight,though.

Ema:He hollered that? Now his voice has been captured by the security camera.

Phoenix:Actually,the cameras at Grossberg's office are the old school ones which don't capture voices. Still,a few witnesses have now been created. And yeah,he has been caught on camera now,huh?

Quote:

Hammond, his face twisted in fear and hatred, managed a riposte. “You’re no better, attacking me like this…”

Neil only grinned. “No, this is called defending Honor. Besides, I’ve wanted to do this for awhile.”

Apollo:Oh,so now Mr.Marshall is the honourable high handed one? This really is the worst kind of romanticism.

Phoenix:Yeah,even if he died fighting a criminal,it was because that criminal was about to take a girl hostage-

Ema:Please don't mention that. *throws snackoo at Apollo*

Apollo:Ow! I didn't even say anything about that!

Ema:You started it.

Quote:

Hammond threw himself up, trying to knock Neil off-balance. It was a surprise, but futile. Neil had been a bronco rider by age 12. Handling a 40-something Defense Attorney was a snap.

The two tumbled to the floor, with Neil clearly the victor. He landed several punches into Hammond’s back as he tried to immobilize the flailing coward; his smile easing into more of a serious frown.

Phoenix:You know,Neil died chasing down an insane serial killer. But here,he's pretty much the insane serial killer, except he lets his victims barely live. Which is actually even more twisted.

Ema:Please don't mention Mr.Marshall and 'serial killer' in the same sentence,Mr.Wright.

Phoenix:Oh,sorry. I forgot about that.

Quote:

“Do you think you can do that and get away with it?” Neil asked as he pulled Hammond over to a wall and pushed his chest against it. “Huh? Do ya?”

Hammond wheezed as he tried to futilely break free. His face was a mask of blood and hatred. It made Neil sick to look at it. It was all that was wrong with the world. Neil just wanted to break it. He placed his palm on the back of Hammond’s head. He sighed.

Trucy:So are we nearing the end of the fight?

Klavier:Thankfully,it seems so, but what is he-

Quote:

“Don’t you touch him again..” Neil whispered as he drove Hammond’s face into the wall repeatedly. Slowly, the bloodstain on the wall began to multiply in size. Neil sped up the pace, not caring that Hammond’s scream could be heard on the streets below.

Klavier:...Oh.

Ema:So he doesn't even care that he's created several witnesses? This is ineptitude on a whole other level.

Phoenix:Trucy! *covers her eyes*

Speakers:The management would like to remind Mr.Wright not to cover his daughter's eyes else we remove the censorship.

Phoenix:You monsters!

Quote:

The muffled crunch of the Defense Attorney’s nose rang in Neil’s ears. He threw the man to the floor with a scoff. He kneeled over the bleeding man with a grin.

“Now, if I find out you even messed with his tie, I’ll finish the chat we started here tonight. Got it?” He asked, standing up to leave.

That was for you,Krissi.

Klavier:STOP CALLING HIM KRISSI! YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE HIS NAME!

Phoenix:Er,um...I'll give it at the end of this,okay? (Can't let them know that I forgot my wallet...)

Quote:

As Kristoph set the table back at the house, he whistled. This dinner was going to be perfect All of the cowboys favorite foods. Mashed potatoes, corn bread dressing, Texas toast, butter cream gravy and finally, the chicken fried steaks that seemed the size of manhole covers. Oh, Neil was going to love this.

Klavier:Oh,I'm going to hate this.

Quote:

As the sound of the truck pulling into the driveway filled the kitchen. Neil exited the car slowly. He was totally normal, that same smile about his face. He casually opened the front door to the waiting arms of his young lover.

Trucy:I still can't get over the fact that this is a fic that ships Mr.Gavin and Mr.Marshall.

Klavier:Neither can I,fräulein.

Quote:

“Hey, Krissi.” Neil said softly. “Sorry I’m late. I just had to take care of something for ya.”

“Really?” Kristoph asked, leading Neil to the table. “Tell me all about it.”

Apollo:"Well,I beat up the guy who beat you up into a dead pulp,creating several witnesses in the process as well as destroying his car. So clearly I'm the better man here. You're welcome,Kristoph. Feel free to be as insane as me."

Klavier:Please don't say that,Herr Forehead. That hits a bit too close to home,ja?

Apollo:Oh,right. Sorry about that.

Quote:

“Maybe later.” Neil demurred, as he cast his gaze on the fully furnished table. This sure wasn’t a bad way to end the night.

Ema:Maybe for now,but in the morning you're going to be 100% arrested for your deed.

Quote:

As the two eased into their bed, Kristoph lazily grabbed the remote to the TV. He clicked it on.

Apollo:I can't wait to see his reaction to this.

Quote:

“Neil! Look, it’s… my work.” Kristoph said, shocked.

Neil looked up. “Huh. You’re right.” He said, trying to mask a smile.

Ema:The question is,what will he do now?

Quote:

The news was reporting something about Defense Attorney Robert Hammond being found “savagely” beaten in his office. Krissi seemed surprised, but clearly happy.

“Wow, someone beat up Mr. Hammond. Who would do that?” Kristoph asked aloud.

Neil Marshall smiled as he gave Krissi a peck on the cheek. “Whoever it was, I’m sure they had a good reason.”

Apollo:Well,whoever it is,I'm sure they totally weren't crazy or a serial killer.

Ema:That is sure one heck of a downplayed reaction.

Klavier:My bro always did like to downplay things.

Phoenix:Either way,this sure is a happy ending. At least until the next day where he's arrested for murder.

The lights come on.

Trucy:Wait,it's over now?!

Ema:That was probably the 'happiest' place to stop.

Klavier:That was absolutely terrible.

Apollo:Aside from the grammar,yeah. What a psychopath our hero is. Is this what really gets romanticised nowadays?

Phoenix:What a butchering of characters. Anyways,got to go. See you later!

Ema:Oh no you don't,Mr.Wright. I haven't forgotten. It's time to pay.

Apollo:Oh,yeah,you lost the bet that Mr.Hammond lived,didn't you,Mr.Wright?

Trucy:Oh,daddy,you're such a smooth criminal. But you can't get away now!

Klavier:Ja,Herr Wright. But there's no escape now. Pay up...if you have any money,that is.

Phoenix:Well,uh,really...should I...?

Apollo:Don't try any tricks on us,Mr.Wright.

Ema:Remember,you were in my presence,so I can testify as an officer against you if you can't pay up.

Trucy:*sigh* Okay,daddy. I'll make sure to side with you in the future.

Phoenix:That's a good girl. (Yes! The Turnabout Terror strikes back!)

Apollo:You don't have to raise your hands in the air,Mr.Wright. I already feel bad enough.

Phoenix:Heheh. Was I doing that? Anyway,thanks for the money,folks. I'm outta here!

And this all our Sporkers leave,with only one truly content after this fic.See you all next time!

Thanks for reading! As always,constructive criticism appreciated!

Author:

cuteyounggirlplus [ Sat Jan 28, 2017 1:21 pm ]

Post subject:

Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

This sporking was creative, fun and a nice break from all Jakkid fics and his ripoffs'. The ending with Phoenix was innovative. That being said, I liked to remind you that, as a rule, we try not to bully the author of the fic and we especially do not use death threats.

Author:

Southern Corn [ Sat Jan 28, 2017 2:28 pm ]

Post subject:

Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Thanks! And I can see why you interpreted it that way. I'll make sure not to do that. I've removed that joke just in case.

Author:

Alicewright [ Mon Jan 30, 2017 12:12 am ]

Post subject:

Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

When you said all Jakkid tics and his ripoffs...... do you mean me?

Author:

cuteyounggirlplus [ Mon Jan 30, 2017 12:20 am ]

Post subject:

Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

I wasn't trying to call out anybody. I'm sorry.

Author:

Alicewright [ Mon Jan 30, 2017 12:24 am ]

Post subject:

Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

cuteyounggirlplus wrote:

I wasn't trying to call out anybody. I'm sorry.

That's fine. Forgiven.

Author:

Southern Corn [ Mon Jan 30, 2017 2:32 am ]

Post subject:

Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

Wait,you're a Jakkid 'ripoff'?

Author:

DrOcsid [ Wed Feb 01, 2017 5:48 pm ]

Post subject:

Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!

It’s done. Finally, I am free of this wretched hell. You’ve been waiting a while, and I’ve finally delivered it. Here it is, the moment you’ve been waiting for, and by far the worst part of the entire game...

Edgeworth: No, no, I’m sure we can all do with more delaying of the inevitable.

Quote:

Phoenix: H-Hey,Hami…

Pearl: Y-Yes….Nick… ?

Phoenix: Read the scenario !!

Phoenix: P-Princess. Will you caress my penis…?

Maya: N-No! Pearly, don’t do it!

Phoenix: I don’t wanna play this anymore.

Management: Too bad. You have to keep going.

Quote:

Phoenix: My lewd meat...Please lick it with a mouth of Princess.

Maya: Lewd meat?

Phoenix: If nothing else, the bad translation brings a few mildly amusing phrases… but it’s kinda being overshadowed by the fact that that’s Pearl on the screen right there.

Quote:

Pearl: Ca...cannot help… I draw out cum with my mouth… !

Phoenix: T-Thank you…. !

Phoenix: (No...unbearable… !)

Edgeworth: Unbearable indeed!

Phoenix: Yeah, for once I agree with game-me. But I don’t think he means it in the same way.

Phoenix: AGH!

Maya: NO!

Edgeworth: NGOOOOOGH!

Phoenix: Damn it, this game is going to give me an aneurysm! Okay, guys, let’s just get through this as fast as we can!

Quote:

Phoenix: Ha...Hami…. ! Ohh...Ohh… !!

Pearl: AH,NNnn…. ! Very tasty… Ve..ry...cock...Nnn… !

Maya: I… I can’t laugh at anything here! I can’t make any jokes! This is just too hard to look at!

Phoenix: Yeah, I get what you mean… This must be even worse for you, with her being your cousin and all.

Edgeworth: I am so, very sorry that the two of you have to witness this.

Quote:

Phoenix: (S-Strong absorption… ! A,and…)

Phoenix: (huff-n-puff… ! There is her cunt before my eyes… !)

Phoenix: Hahaha, look, readers! It’s a weird sentence! Laugh at it!

Management: Breaking the fourth wall-

Phoenix: Oh, screw you!

Maya: Nick, you seem pretty agitated…

Quote:

(Most filler dialogue will be skipped over as it’s mostly unsporkable variations on stuff like “AAAnRRGH COCK MILK DICK SEMEN”)

Pearl: Ha,HAHHhhnn… ! co..cock.. I want COCK… !!

Edgeworth: She has the mind of an eight-year-old! How could she possibly want… well, you know!

Phoenix: Of all the things I expected to see in this theater… I can say, completely, unequovically, that an image of Pearl, magically aged up to an adult and covered in a completely disgusting amount of semen, is not one of them.

Quote:

Pearl: Ahh...Haa… ! This...this…. Very comfortable…. !

Phoenix: T-This cunt is different from Mia and Maya…. !

Edgeworth: That would be expected, considering you are effectively committing statutory rape at the moment.

Quote:

Phoenix: I get off… ! May I cum in your cunt… !?

Pearl: C..Cunt… ? Cum in my cunt… ! cock milk…. !!

Maya: Don’t tell me he’s going to…

Phoenix: Im...preg… Agh, I can’t say it!

Quote:

Phoenix: Y-Yes...I cum… ! In your cunt… !!

Phoenix: I ejaculate my cum in large quantities…! Ughh...Okey !?

Pearl: Ah,Ahh,Ahh… ! don’t understand it… ! understan…! but… !!

Phoenix: See?! You see?! There’s the problem! Pearl doesn’t even understand what’s happening here! This is one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever seen in this theater!