MONTREAL — I’ve just become the latest victim of our construction scandal. Call me Mr. 5.7 Per Cent — because that’s what my new tax hike is here in the Plateau area.

In Griffintown a friend is now Mr. 4.6 Per Cent, while the average Montrealer is Mr. 3.3 Per Cent. But unlike all the other “misters” who’ve been filling our scandalous news, we taxpayers don’t get paid our percentage — we pay it.

No one knows how much money was stolen from us taxpayers in lavish yacht trips, house renovations, Caribbean holidays, hockey tickets, fancy wine and missing asphalt in our highways. But with a total city infrastructure repair budget of about $700 million, we could be losing tens or even hundreds of millions a year.

I feel like Is-He-Still-The-Mayor Gérald Tremblay when he allegedly walked out of a meeting about illegal campaign contributions saying, “I don’t need to hear about this.”

Well, I don’t need to hear about it either — or pay the bill. Taxpayer anger is so high city hall may soon reduce our percentages — but either way our town is in a financial mess. We need bold new ideas for raising money, without raising taxes — but what?

It’s time to look elsewhere for inspiration. Maybe we should fire the Mafia and hire Big Advertising. That’s what other cities are doing.

In budget-crunched Philadelphia, bus passes now have McDonald’s ads on them, while Pattison subway station has been renamed AT&T station. Meanwhile, Baltimore is debating whether to paint corporate logos all over its fire engines, turning them into rolling billboards.

Why not do the same here? The sides of our buses are already filled with ads, so why not plaster our fire trucks too, with appropriate ads for fire alarms, fire extinguishers, or just Boxing Day fire sales?

For Montreal police cars I think Dunkin’ Donuts is the perfect fit. We could paint a jelly roll on every squad car with a slogan like: “I’m officer Robert Burns and I endorse this product.”

There are so many creative ways to save tax dollars. Cities in Indiana and Kentucky got KFC to pay for filling their potholes and replacing their fire hydrants — in exchange for putting the Colonel’s logo on manhole covers and hydrants. Maybe the Colonel would agree to repair Montreal’s battered roads too, if we put a chicken in every pothole.

Most U.S. states have Adopt-a-Highway systems that get big corporations to cover maintenance costs, in exchange for road signs with their names. Maybe we could fix the crumbling Metropolitan for good if we agreed to change its name to Metropolitan Life Insurance Blvd. The same for Décarie if we renamed it the Ford motorway, or the FedEx-pressway.

Would a big company help out with our $6-billion repair bill for the Turcot Interchange if we named it after the firm? I think Cott beverages would be a natural.

Once we’re at it, why not sell the names of all our streets, since many were originally named after businessmen like Charles Viau and (St.) Urbain Tessier? Who’d really notice if Rue Viau now became Rue Hydro? Or Laval became Lavalin?

Atwater St. could be worth a fortune if we promised to rename it Evian Water St. or Rue Perrier — depending who bid higher. As well, I’d be very happy to let Lionel Groulx métro change to Bureau En Gros — for free!

And these are just small possible tax savings. Imagine how much we’d rake in for the city’s big items — like the renamed Jacques “Cartier Watches” Bridge. Or the Louis Vuitton-Hippolyte-Lafontaine tunnel.

There are other valuable city landmarks that could be made even more valuable. How about changing the name of that 700-foot hill in the middle of our city to Mount Royal Lepage? Or renaming that stretch of Highway 40 that slashes through Montreal the Trans-Molson Canadian Highway?

Sure there’d be some resistance by purists — but really, would it hurt that much if Montreal Island were situated on the banks of the St. Ambrose River? Or if Montreal West was renamed Montreal Mae West?

Then there’s the biggest money-maker of all — our city’s most valuable advertising property. Given the lucky coincidence that Montreal starts with an M, the next move is obvious. Why not redesign that M with a pair of golden arches? I’m sure we’d get a fortune to become McMontreal.

If our city is for sale, let’s get money from the highest bidder instead of giving it to a gang of crooks. Someone might even agree to sponsor city hall and pay us — instead of us paying them. How about making it the Marriott Hotel de Ville?

In fact, we should let that hotel chain buy city hall outright. I’d rather Marriott own it than the mob.

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