Saturday, January 04, 2014

Twenty four years ago

That's a long, long time.

Today is the day that my mom drove away. Tomorrow morning is the day that they showed up on our doorstep to tell us that she was gone.

Many years I'm blessed with ignorance....I remember the day before, maybe the day after, but not on the day (or two days) of. Not this year. Hmm, not sure really what that's a sign of...perhaps nothing.

There is still a little looming darkness leading up to Christmas holidays. It's supposed to be a happy time, and it is...but superimposed over that there is a little bit of dread. I think it actually starts in November...or whenever the first Christmas music and decorating starts to pop up... the tiny dread comes with it.

Anyways, I'm not woefully blue, or wallowing in depression, but there really is an underlying sadness today. Perhaps a bit of an oversensitive fuse if you will. There are a lot of memories. Good and bad. A lot of wondering what ifs.

I always thought it would get easier, and it did....but in some ways it's actually harder now that I have kids. Watching them makes me miss her, and wish I could ask so many questions....it also makes me wonder how engulfing my despair would have to be to make me leave them. (totally a Princess Bride pit of despair clip running through my head right now). I can't even leave them for a week! I can't imagine thinking that they're going to be fine without me. Then it hit me. As I was standing in my kitchen making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and pondering the whole thing once again. She probably didn't think that we'd be fine without her....she probably thought that we'd be better off without her. That thought just hit me like a brick and my heart broke all over again. She probably really thought we were better off without her. Depression is an evil bitch. (sorry for the swear..but hoping you'll cut me some slack just this once)