Clawing to escape the belly of the beast here in Hollywood. To commiserate, email my name assistantatlas at yahoo.

Monday, May 16, 2005

KROQ'in out: Episode 1.38

A "POOP ON RYAN SEACREST'S STAR CONTEST" UPDATE FOLLOWS THIS POST

As you may know, your faithful Atlas was recently invited to appear on KROQ’s Kevin & Bean show to discuss his "Poop on Ryan Seacrest's Star Contest". It was a great experience, I must say, and one worth describing. So here goes.

I arrived on time at 7:15 am [dear God that’s early for me] at the nondescript KROQ studios near Venice & Fairfax. Theoretically, there was supposed to be a guard in the parking lot waiting to show me to a parking space and notify the Kevin & Bean people that I’d arrived. Naturally, there wasn’t one, so I just parked and headed toward the building, hoping I was picking the right entrance. I passed the empty ‘guard shack’ and went in the first door I saw, taking me to the KROQ lobby.

The lobby was dark and empty, and kinda scary despite the sumptuous furnishings. And hey, did you know KROQ owns Jack FM? I didn’t either, but there’s a big-ass logo in the lobby for it right next to a sweet graffiti-mural KROQ logo. The blond girl with glasses [whose name I'm sorry to have forgotten] I'll meet later will tell me that they just bought Jack FM. I poked around the lobby a bit, trying to find someone– anyone. I got one of those “last man on earth” feelings, so I fled the lobby through the only unlocked door and made my way into the bowels of KROQ. Still, no one.

I wander past a break room, empty offices and into a back room with a set of old-school arcade games [not operational, sadly] until I couldn’t wander any more. So I re-traced my steps and managed to find an office with a sweet blond girl with glasses [there she is!] and a guy on the phone. Guy on the phone turns out to be Jay Tilles, an exec producer for the show and the guy who invited me on. So after a brief tour by Jay [of the places I hadn’t seen inside KROQ], we went into the studio adjacent to where the broadcast was actually taking place.

I watched/listened for a bit- the weird thing for me is that Bean apparently does the show from Seattle. Of course, if you listen to the show, you know that. They had a monitor in the studio so I could see him- grainy as heck, but there. And since Kev was out sick, it was just Ralph, their entertainment correspondent/engineer, and the chick whose name escapes me at the moment but that I'll add in later.

Next Jay and I were off to the studio where they had all the cool sound toys where a surprisingly young and friggin' buff engineer [aren't engineers supposed to be all pale and weak from playing with buttons and levers and stuff all day?] already had my Darth Vader voice ready. And let me just tell you, it was amazingly sweet hearing that digitally-altered voice through the headphones.

Jay and Buff Engineer [sorry I suck with names, dude] warned me that everyone's natural tendency was to slow down and deepen their voice to try to match the one coming over the headphones. Of course, during my test, I had done that very thing. Great. Now I was slightly nervous. Jay told me to relax and then the three of us got into a conversation about how little teenagers were now wearing super-tight jeans and feathered hair and how for every Motley Crue or Metallica, there's a White Snake waiting to jones their style and cheapen their music. Buff Engineer was pretty adamant about this, and I was inclined to agree. At any rate, we chatted right up until it was time for me to go on.

I slid on my headphones and we were off. To be honest with you, I remember only parts of the interview. Hopefully Jay will send me an mp3 of it soon and I can listen to [and post] it. I remember making them [my interviewers] laugh a few times and thinking-- good job, Atlas. I remember telling myself to stop speaking so slowly-- thankfully Jay and Buff Engineer adjusted the equipment as I went along to compensate because I think I slowed down toward the end of the interview. Oops.

But the whole thing was over before I knew it. Both Jay and Buff Engineer seemed to think the interview went well-- and it seemed like they were serious and not just being nice. But the real surprise came when I followed Jay back to his office [which kinda doubled as a green room], where Kathy Griffin was just chillin', noshin' on a bagel, hangin'. Kathy asks sweet blond girl if I'm the person that was just on [I know she was expecting Barry White] and when she gets a yes, Kathy waves me over.

So I go talk to Kathy Griffin. She starts right in telling me how much she loves the contest-- mocking Ryan Seacrest is something near and dear to her heart. Apparently, on her new Bravo special, there are essentially three sections-- one on the Oprah, one on Ryan Seacrest and a third on "Gaykin" as Kathy refers to Clay Aiken. She tells me I'm "doing God's work" and openly wonders "What we can do to get rid of him [Ryan Seacrest]?" Kathy wonders if I want a bagel, and I almost take one and sit for an extended conversation, but I don't. She asks me who else I make fun of-- of course, my answer is totally lame because I'm not exactly prepared for that question and I should be.

I answer "anyone overexposed like Paris Hilton 'n stuff" and then end lamely with some "you should read my blog and find out". But Kathy's a gamer and she quickly asks with a smile, "Maybe I should just have my assistant read it." I smile, "Yeah, totally. That's who it's for." A second later I wonder if Kathy Griffin has an assistant. I kinda doubt it-- at least, she didn't have anyone with her at the time. But maybe she's super-nice and didn't make her assistant come down to the KROQ interview with her. While we're on the subject, I would totally be Kathy Griffin's assistant. She's got a great energy in person and was very friendly with me. Of course, I did catch her checking out my package, so maybe that had something to do with it. Then again, she was sitting and I was standing, so it was directly in her eyeline. But I digress. . .

I continue chatting with Kathy for another minute or two, ask her a little about the Bravo special, give a guy who works there the name of my blog. Ralph comes in and shakes my hand [remember, we did the entire interview from three studios away!] and tells me great interview and that he loved the phrase "cosmic justice" and gives me a warm, genuine smile. I feel happy then realize I gotta jet. I tell Kathy that is was great to meet her and that I am a fan [which is true, by the way] and she smiles and shakes my hand and checks out my package again-- subtly, this time. After waving goodbye to all my new KROQ friends, I had to go to work.

But thanks for the memories, KROQers, it was fun. I'll put up the mp3 of the interview just as soon as I get it so all you non-LA kids [or you LA kids who weren't up at 8 am] can listen to the show. Until next time, have you hugged your assistant today?

28 Comments:

I heard that radio show this morning! Great job definitely! Its funny cause you refer to yourself as "Atlas" and I just happen to be reading a book right now called "Atlas Shrugged". Have you heard of it?

I totally agree with the whole "cosmic justice" concept, and I even argue for it (in quite a different plane however) in my own blog, Kill The Afterlife.

I really hope someone gets the poop action happening on the star soon! And I dont know if its possible, Atlas, but could you forward a copy of the pics to Mr. Seacrest himself? Or possibly one of his assistants? LOL!

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