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This past weekend my husband and I went to a gender reveal party for two expecting dads and it once again brought up the discussion of possibly expanding our family.

My husband has most been the reticent one. I don’t blame him. His fears have been grounded in reality and are expected. He was concerned that any life of our child would be met with hardships for having two dads, which is a good point. Me being the sporadic, situational optimist didn’t think there would be any issues because the child would have such a good base supporting them. And, quite possibly, public perception may have changed by the time they hit kindergarten.

My husband has slowly come around to the idea. Now the discussion comes to what route to take?

For whatever reason I want biological. If I have to guess, and I ponder it all the time, I figure it had to do with a fear I have that makes me think I wouldn’t have a strong bond with a child unless it was my own. Part of me. I also worry that by taking on a child that has issues I may not be readily as forgiving if it were my own blood. (God that sounds so medieval.)

Where I find hesitation with the biological, apart from the cost, is that there are already so many children in the system that DESERVE loving homes. My husband and I have that to offer. Yeah they won’t ever really be mine, biologically, but I would never-the-less try and raise them to be strong and independent persons of society.

Yet when I return to weighing the two I am truly torn. Both are equally fit for me. I just don’t know what route to travel and my husband is no help.

The reason I wanted to go to this party, in addition to it being a baby shower, is I wanted to ask questions. I had loads going into it, but what I realized (other than I’d be a shitty journalist) is that it would be inappropriate to have this type of conversation at a baby shower. Or it might have been the best time and I’m making excuses.

At the party there was another set of parents there with their two kids. They were definitely not as helicopter as I would be. There little boy got away with doing the most dangerous shit… at one point the kid held a sandwich spear in his hand and was walking around on not the steadiest of feet. I mean, come on guys. Just observing, I noticed they seemed to have a favoritism toward their youngest over their oldest and I was curious to why.

I am sure if I had approached them to ask questions they would have been quite polite and have answered anything I asked. I just didn’t want to interrupt their good time at the party with my quandaries.

The next choice we’re the hosts but they were busy speaking to each of their guests (you know, being good hosts) to answer my questions.

In the end they revealed they were having a boy and we left the party, me just as clueless as when I arrived.