I always "clean" my own mind.After school, after terrible things happened, after things didn't work like I want,I often did the "cleaning" again, and again.Just like a cycle,

I thought it's natural. As a human being, it's hard to always "stable" and being a "goog-guy Greg" every time.But I didn't want to be unstable like this time being.

I realized humans' life were not long.

Ya, really-really realized.Really-really realized that:

"People was born on earth to suffer"

Okay, then remember the promise:

I will live my life to the fullest. Never wasting my time again. I will be stronger.

I want to meet you when I can smile not with fake smile.

Okay, I should bear the challenges patiently and continue study, graduate with the best.

YEAH. I BELIEVE, I CAN, AND I WILL DO IT!!!

I always angry because I can accept and think "why did I???" "why did.....?" etc.

But yea, I'm on the right track.

It's my own decision. my decision to live like this. Perhaps my condition now is not my decision, but the beginning was chosen by "myself".

To be "happy", perhaps we should "unhappy" at first. And someday if I keep on this right track, I will be happy, in originality,

I kept this kind of life like...a half? or less?

Why I should waste my time that "not long" and keep protest in the life I chose by myself?

AND THE RULE IS TO SUFFER FIRST?

I kept hurt people in my past, and didn't realize even not directly I broke other dreams?Mom, bro, "sister"

Why?

Also, I damage part of my own life.Because I'm being stubborn. Because I didn't really believe with my chosen kind of life.I often frustrated and can't forgive myself. Bragging to many people. Damage further.But I should believe the past was about the me that can't understand more about "the concept of suffering". And the me now is different. I SHOULD BELIEVE.

I can't brag them anymore.I should keep the suffers alone and bear them.And do the thing I should continue,Be patience,Pray,Manage money, even I need that to relieved myself, andDon't brag others.

"only" that. And at least I continue my chosen kind of life. The right track. Original happiness.

Perhaps the suffer is the result of my own fault in the past.I should be gentle enough to face that.And life is about suffering at the first.

So I thought I couldn't hold any guilty feelin towards him, I asked him to meet and told him everything,He was seemed not interested at all and as cold as he might. The coldness also hurt me coz he didnt think any further to say sarcasm words to me.

And that's all.

But finally, at least, I can breath with more enjoyable. I can released "some bad feelings" like the "missing" feeling "unacceptable to lose" feelings and being the one that told "let's break-up". Yeah, it's true, he "comes and goes" as he wanted but yeah, I should be a strong woman to accept that. I have to still use my brain and logic to have a better life.

Thanks to the person once I had loved before, now I'm a stronger girl. Or as Tsukushi Makino's proverb, now I should live like "tough weed". I didn't feel any hard feeling like when I separated with him #1...The feeling I'm having now is the regretful and faulted feelings to others...why I should be stupid like that just to protect him #2 beside me, just not to lose him like I lose him #1!!! Why I didn't realize the separation with him #1 such a hard experience that made me a stronger woman!!!

I didn't want to regret my life like when I couldn't...at least, told the person "I had loved before", how much it's hurt losing him in my life, and how much, actually, I loved him,,,but after all, any choices he chose, I'll accept and "try" to be happy, as long as I can see he smiles :) (it's embarrassing but I'm writing this journal with tears for the person "I had loved before"), therefore I didn't regret to tell him #2 like I'm a "low person" - but I had no hard or heavy feeling at it, perhaps I know "it's true, but just in some way" (We were same, you faked me, I also. Because along this time I saved my feeling for him #1, but at least I try to accept you in my life, that's why I disappointed with you, him#2, because loving someone is how to accept all of her/his side, perfect, good, or bad side.).

Perhaps you may thought "why this girl is so sentimental?"

Just like him #2 said, "you couldn't move on from me because of you can't open yourself to others!!!"Yea, perhaps in some way it's true, but in some way, the truth is:I couldn't move on from him #1, not from him #2, and it's proved that although it's a man I chose to move on with, it didn't guarantee I can move on my feeling with him. But yeah, it's true, in some way, I could "erase" the dominance of him #1 in my life, and now,

I'm a brand new girl.

It's true, in my past it's happened, I'm being such an idiot, a stupid person.It's true, once I loved someone and put my loyalty into several next years,It's true, once I had relationship with a wrong person, wrong situation, and with a "wrong" mind of mine,

But now, Even yeah, it's true. Hard for me. Traumatic feeling for me, (I hope I can forget and forgive myself, but that's the risk and punishment for me to choose "dirt and itch way"), I tried to build a new life :))

Perhaps (again) my family and friends bored to hear that,But I know this experience will lead me to something better, if I can believe to myself to never waste my time and do something stupid again!! -Yeah I know until this time my soul still want to release all of this guilty feeling in instant way, I should try to put belief in myself-

I should be a responsible person and task this risk, bear the pain "alone" and save this truth "alone".

I should.

or

I have to.

And seems like the way to be a "better person" come, come, and come continuously to me.

Why I should waste the remaining chance for me?

Real Clothes is such a good drama to motivate me at work, that doesn't matter how difficult your life or your love life, you still have something you truly love enough, and should run to reach it.

Or as Watashi Ga Renai Dekinai Riyuu,

When love sucked you, focused on your work.

Or like I told him #2 #also from WGRDR; "I know why it's hard for me to be your *appropriate* girl. I want to fulfill my own dreams, not to fulfill your dreams, *Ryu*"

And he agreed, he said, "Because both of us stay at own places. "

I thought even relationship is to accept each other, doesn't mind I should release my right, and do things I didn't believe. I didn't want.

"In relationship is not only to accept someone but also how to make a better living to each other".

This journal is a proved that I'll truly put my mind, soul, and body to live better!!! And also, as usual, A RA SHI with me, As motivators and I believed to reach my dreams, cause I know "Believing is Everything" as the tagline of Nino, and Arashi, Of course Sakurai Sho as my study motivator.

And we're already have a deep relationship.What the kind of sorcery is this???

ARASHI. GOMEEEEEEN!!!!

To be honest, I'm busy with my "real-life" activities, for example, Thought about my relationship with him. Argh you can say my academic life is ... not so good.

OR MAYBE YOU CAN SAY IT'S THE WORST SPIRIT IN YOUR ACADEMIC SERIES.

I THOUGHT I SHOULD BACK TO FANDOM AS ONE OF MY ACTIVITIES EVERYDAY.

You can say my relationship with him is not accepted by many people.Rite now he is my boyfriend. It's actually our second turned back.

But day by day I know him...Okay I know he is different with others!!!I know that difference makes me love him more (I thought we were same)!!!But I don't know he has...so hard...difficulties..

Maybe I don't know many things about him (even I thought we were same)

But we're different.We have different principle in our life, rite now.And I can't give him the things that different with my principle he wants

I know it's so stupid to let go of him, not only thought about myself but also himself.I want to be a good girl Megu for him and of course, for myself.I thought about one thing;we have a sameness.We want to pass this way, this way to life in college and graduate happily, get the best result and in appropriate time.Try to give our best, Everyday.Maybe my problem was I thought about myself too much, I won't to be "betrayed" by him, I want to betray him. I want to win.But I know it's not a good mindset for me.

Revenge doesn't give you a good result.

Finally, today, we shared our thoughts, clearly.

A little bit I can understand his mindset, and I want him to know my mindset.

And I go to a conclusion.I'll try my best to be a stronger girl.Independent girl.Doesn't depend on anyone, even if he is my boyfriend, or she is my best friend, or etc.

Life goes on, everything comes and goes, every time. I have to ready to face that.

Truly. I'll try my best to get the best for me, him, and others.

I'm serious. SRSLY.

BEING CONSISTENT.

and Arashi as one of my mood-booster, as one of my power <3

GANBATTE NE, EVERY HARD THING WILL ELAPSE AT THE TIME AND WE'LL BE FREE!!!

I'VE TOLD YOU TO STUDY HARD, AS SERIOUS AS YOU CAN !!!!*I Imagined he told me that kind of sorcery, haahahahha*OF COURSE HE MAD IF YOU'RE ANNOYING WITH YOUR LESSONS!!!JUST BE SERIOUS AT STUDY TIME!!!

Pic credit : pelangidrama.net

*Get ready for tomorrow, a morning class. argh. But that's my first step to continue life as a person that (again) try to give her best :) :) :)*

ARASHI-WILD AT HEART IS SUCH A GOOD SONG FOR MY CONDITIONS!!! YEAH !!!

my true love that wait me along my time to go home.I keep going on patiently, one of the reasons :I'LL MEET ARASHI IN HOME!!!

Pic credit : kiilinside.blogspot.com

Sorry for the long post ----IT TOOK ME A LONG TIME TO TYPE AND POST THIS. AND YA KNOW THIS MORNING IS MY -SO EARLY CLASS- I MENTIONED YOU BEFORE !!!!

it's so stupid to fall for you, truly.you're annoying.I like that, but I don't like you annoyed another girl.maybe other girls thought you're annoying because you disturbed them but I thought you're annoying because ..I thought I was special for you, you did "your annoying acts" because you thought I was special.

I started to run under rain again---and I read diary that not belongs to me in 3 years ago.I throw that into my best friend and wanted to take that again when I can forget my ex-because that diary's contained many things about my ex,

Actually, I felt like trash.You're started everything and ended everything, as you wanted.The me, that have few courage to continue study at university because of many difficult things (especially because of my illness), more miserable because of this.

but after several thoughts and refresh my mind,

and watched dorama "First Kiss"

and heard "Kokoro" by Kazumasa Oda

Kokoro-Kazumasa Oda

I remembered my real courage about life and college..And I cried because of this dorama and this song.I like them, okay maybe the dorama is not really outstanding but somehow, I learned about illness and about life, and about people around you, especially family and true best friends that want you to live happily, and love you a lot.

You ran through the crowd of people so dazzlinglyThe pouring rain stopped, and the summer sky changed

I knew from the beginning that there was no substitute for youI'm not really sure of anything, but I know that I love you

I met the most important person to me in the worldIn my life up until now, and from now on

There isn't much that I can do for you, butI definitely won't lose my heart to anyone else

That summer, I met the most important person to me in the worldIn my life up until now, and from now on

We carve out the passing of time togetherAnd close to each other, touching one another, we live our lives now, in the moment

Hey, I was thinking that this is the first time in my lifeThat I've wanted to make someone happy like this

The street lights reach into the skyAnd one day, they'll become one with the evening stars, I love you

I met the most important person to me in the worldIn my life up until now, and from now on

We carve out the passing of time togetherAnd close to each other, touching one another, we live our lives now, in the moment

That summer, I met the most important person to me in the worldI definitely won't lose my heart to anyone else

You ran through the crowd of people so dazzlinglyThe pouring rain stopped, and the summer sky changed

credit: http://www.jpopasia.com/lyrics/7074/kazumasa-oda/kokoro.html

I remembered my real courage about life and college..And I cried because of this dorama and this song.I like them, okay maybe the dorama is not really outstanding but somehow,I learned about illness and about life, and about people around you, especially family and true best friends that want you to live happily, and love you a lot.

pic credit: d-addicts.com

Papa, I love you so much,I remembered you sacrifice many things for me...sacrifice your life...you did almost everything for me..but I hurt you...gomen papa...I want you to know in this hard situation actually I always want to support you, but somehow it's diffiicult to be a good daughter...gomenne papa..From now on, I want to give you my best love papa..I don't want to be late, before we're seperated..

pic credit: lautanindonesia.com

Many people support and love me, I love to live with them...live together

zdoramaagain.blogspot.com

I can be myself, do anything with them...people that truly love and support me...

zdoramaagain.blogspot.com

Why did? I always want to live with the person I loved (that already has a new life), but I didn't see my family and my best friends that truly support and love me? Why did I didn't try to be a good member in my family and being a good friend for my best friend? Why did I'm busy with my own desire and din't care with them and didn't try best to live as they wish-because their wishes are for my happiness.

GAAAGH.

From "First Kiss", I know I'm busy to cover myself from many things with my illness. I said "I couldn't" because I'm sick, yea perhaps it's true but the real problem for me is my own fears.

pic credit: wienykashiwabara.multiply.com

I wish I oould live happily until the end with all of the people I loved.

*Btw the guy (left) from "First Kiss" is melted me a lot. I like him, seriously, his looks and character are so charrrrrrrmmmmm and makes me feel warm-feel like a lover even only watched him from TV HAHAHAHA*

DAKEDO,

To reach my dreams, I must sacrifice many things, right ne?????I must be a stronger girl, beat MY FEARS, ONE OF THEM: my illness.and my short-time goal:I WANT TO BE A BACHELOR FROM MY UNIVERSITY, OKAAAAAY.

My bestie said to me:"Broken heart? Make that as your 'study booster'. Take revenge for him and show the you're a great girl and It's wrong to dump you."

HEAAAA, SEVERAL TIMES REJECTED THIS IDEA BECAUSE; "I'M SICK. I DON'T WANT TO PUSH MYSELF TOO MUCH AND SUFFER."

BUT IT'S WRONG. MY STUDY NOW IS HORRIBLE AND I KNOW I DIDN'T DO MY BEST AND STILL HAVE MANY POWERS YEA TO GIVE MY BEST . I BELIEVE, I CAN LIVE MY LIFE AS MY BELIEF, BECAUSE EVERTHING I DO, THERE'RE PEOPLE THAT ALWAYS BELIEVE IN ME.

You're good boy.But you're breaking my heart, truly.You're keeping me in your heart.Keeping me into your side,but for something that you called "best friend".Even I don't know is it right to be best friends like this?In relationship like THIS???

I don't understand why did I felt so guilty.More guilty than last week before I realized I was fallin.

and confused what the things to write but I want to write.

Finally, I made a decision.I'll live my life in college maybe with him, beside others--I'll face him like he is my best friend, not a boy or maybe a man.I have had boy best friend in my past but in reality, our friendship couldn't as deep as my friendship with my girl best friend.The deepest relationship with boys in my past is with my ex.

I'll see him not as a boy, man or anythingI'll see him like the way Ruka sees Takeru.Maybe it's hard, in reality I had ever loved himBut I'll try, coz you can say my love for him is forbidden.

I thought I can't leave him.I need him.I don't want to make another regrets beyond my relationship with people.I don't want to hurt people...I don't to lose someone important as long as I can stand things with her/him..

I don't really understand his mindset.He wants me to stay beside him.He wants me to be his important person, vice versa for me.But I understand he didn't has any intention beside let me his best friend.UNDERSTAND

Rumor spreads in my society that we have special relationship-we are lovers.I don't know about my reacts in front of others, but I tried to give my coolest pose.He asked me "Gomen, your friends were talking about us, sorry it's annoyed you.."And I answered "Hahaha, don't think about that, I'm not a serious person"LOL. LOL. SUPER LOLLLING.

I laughed in my heart. Loudly.

I'll try to do things like he did but it was ended awkwardly.

Okay, I'll try to give my best effort --->seeing him like a best friend (like my answer when he asked me 'what do you think about us? friend? or best friend? IT'S OBVIOUS, SUPER CLEAR THAT HE DOESN'T THINK ANYTHING MORE THAN BEST FRIEND ABOUT US.) NOT AS A BOY OR MAN. *repeat again and again

The days will be felt URESHI-ER right???

I'll enjoy this relationship. starting a new. I'll not make a distance with him as my best friend but I will make a distance with him as a boy. If he is my best friend, he'll accept everything as long as it's not bad things right?

I thought the characters in Watashi ga Renai Dekinai Yuu were --------------Why did they hurt their heart?I don't understand when I thought it with my logic.But when I saw myself, YEA, MY SITUATION WAS SAME.STRAPPED IN MY OWN FEELINGS AND COULDN'T THINK WITH LOGIC.

I like Karina and Yuriko(?)'s story, they inspired me a lot coz the plots are have several evenness with my story hahahaha. Loved your ex, best friend and strapped into forbidden love YEAAAAAAAAH LOOOOOL.

Karina thought that the boy will propose her so she made a makeover that exactly not her!!! but it was ended the boy introduced his fiancee. the fiancee was their friends. THIS.(I experienced almost something alike but different several days ago and yesterday)

Yesterday was my baka act, I spent my time only with him at the corner if my class and the rumor spreads.And the most important think i can't enjoy myself because i thought him as a boy not a best friend.Next time I'll give my best to act and thought as a best friend, so whatever the rumor the reality is we're best friends and there won't be any problems with my feelings.and the door for me to meet someone else is still opened right?As long as I can control myself and be independent although I have best friends.I won't depend on him.I'll build friendship but still being an independent girl.I'll try to believe in him but I'll be stringer because I'm independent.

My life is stil here and my most important goal now is not about him.Watashi ga Renai Dekinai Yuu inspired me about THIS.I like the ost- Sit!Stay!Wait!Down! by Nami Amuro---suppperrrrrbbbb

Actually my mozilla's view is so small because if I zoomed it, it became difficult to upload etc and I felt pain over my shoulders because I must typed my journal with hardwork (bow-bow-bow coz it's so smaaaaal,-fibros are not getting used with this "bowing" posture).