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I’VE already reviewed for you author Peter Golenbock‘s Lyons Press manu script. Supposedly a sort of bio of the late Mickey Mantle, it’s actually a creative writing job wherein Mickey speaks out from heaven about sex, filth, doing it to Marilyn Monroe plus whatever female not yet declared clinically dead. It’s really a novel. It’s out next month. I told you it’s disgusting. And I don’t lie.

Mickey’s son Danny asks me to say: “A celebrity family becomes accustomed to a certain amount of criticism. It’s a part of life.

“There will always be those in search of dark secrets of a man everyone wants to pretend they knew as a friend. Sometimes those who’ve only had a brief encounter with him delude themselves into believing their own stories.

“My dad was not perfect, but he was a caring man . . . The disrespect this has for him, his friends, colleagues and legacy cannot go unchallenged.”

There’s a lawyer and even a spokesman on this deal. The spokesman Elliot Mintz adds: “The language in this is so grotesque it redefines the word ‘obscene.’ However, more offensive than lengthy narratives of sexual indulgence is the fact that readers might forget they are not reading Mickey’s words.” About Mickey’s so-called conversation from heaven, he says: “The author’s a sportswriter, not a ‘medium.’ ”

SINGERS: Grandmaster Flash around flashing a yellow gold custom-made rock ‘n’ roll ring by Houman. He says it’s a limited edition. Yeah, for sure. . . . Ronnie Spector, former wife of former free man Phil Spector, got herself a portable speaker system because “I like to hang out in my Jacuzzi, so this way I can hook my iPod up to the iHome speaker and not have to move out of the tub.” Okayyyy . . . Kid Rock was to autograph a J&R gift bag for charity, but the only available spot without a signature was on the bottom. He joked: “Well, that’s where you’ll usually find me.”

LOTS of newcomers and first-timers showing at the Tribeca Film Festival. For instance, a documentary from the fledgling production company of Kayce Freed Jennings, Peter Jennings’ widow, and his longtime producer Tom Yellen. They’re bringing out “Steep,” a profile of extreme mountain skiers, one of whom died two weeks after the filming. This, their official launch, will screen end of April.

I DON’T know from borscht in terms of downtown’s scene, but the hoi polloi who know from everything south of 14th Street are in heat awaiting the opening of Eric Goode and Sean McPherson‘s Bowery Hotel. The back yard, so vast it’s like a meadow, will be summer’s “in” pit stop . . . My assistant Sheila Kane, a fine arts landscape photographer specializing in Central Park in all its seasons, is exhibiting this week at Joseph Fischl gallery. Her work’s breathtaking, and I’m not just saying that instead of giving her a raise . . . Enough with airlines cutting back. Telltale signs that your pilot may be a temp are: He’s got a brown uniform with “UPS” on the sleeve. And he announces on the intercom, “We’re now passing over the Grand Canyon . . . or the Panama Canal . . . one of those places.”

SUNDAY’s April first. On previous April Fools’ Days, Dennis Hopper has been known to sign his autograph “Dustin Hoffman” . . . Owen Wilson, in Dallas’ St. Mark’s High School, “stole the geometry teacher’s book, which had all the correct answers, and which I gave to all my classmates so everyone got A’s.” . . . Julia Stiles: “Freddie Prinze rigged a pail of water over my trailer door so that when I came out to do my first scene I got soaked.” . . . Geena Davis has “an elbow that bends the wrong way so I’ve done things like, when an elevator closes, I pretend my arm got caught and I scream, ‘Ow . . . ow . . . put it back!’ ” . . . George Clooney “put a bumper sticker on Brad Pitt‘s car that said, ‘I’m gay.’ ” To this Matt Damon adds, “As he drove through L.A., people honked at him and waved. Since he thought it’s because he’s Brad Pitt, he waved back.”

SO reader Claudia Allon‘s on the sub way. Three boys, aged 6 to 10, are guessing which U.S. president had been No. 3, which No. 39, etc. Asked about No. 43, the middle one said, “Everybody knows that’s George Bush.” The eldest replied, “If you’re so smart, who was the one before him?” Blurted out the youngest, “George Clooney.” There was a second’s pause, and then the 10-year-old piped up: “Naaah. Wasn’t him. I know George Clooney is some kind of leader, but I don’t think he was an actual president.”