No, we are not goats in this family. So, let's stop acting like them. At least that's among Sara's wishes for the New Year. / FLORIDA TODAY file

Written by

Sara Paulson

FLORIDA TODAY

After a dead dog and a divorce in 2013, I was ready to sweep this not-so-great year under the rug. Granted, I'm pretty blessed in many ways. I get that. But I’m still entitled to a wish list of hopes and dreams for 2014, right?

So, the mom in me wishes for these things for the New Year. In 2014, I hope:

• That my children will learn to get their food in their mouths on the first try. Because there's nothing attractive about eating like a herd of wild goats and leaving the remnants of your meal on the countertops, chairs and floor. Well, unless you're a goat.

• That the dirty clothes on the floor will magically float into their respective hampers. Or any hampers. Also, beds will begin to make themselves.

• The dog will learn how to operate a can opener and begin feeding herself twice a day. She will also become capable of walking herself around the block and bagging up her own doggie business. And the gerbils will master the art of cleaning their own cages and changing out their bedding. Because despite pleas for pets and promises to "take care of them," threats of confiscated household electronics seem to be the only way to get some help around here.

• Nightly baths and bedtime will cease to be a test of how far my patience can be pushed. Showers will no longer be peppered with orders to stop drawing pictures on the steamed-up door for 15 minutes. A refusal to read — only followed up by, "Let's read some books" five minutes before lights out — will be a thing of the past. So will meandering into the kitchen 20 minutes past bedtime for a glass of water. Maybe the New Year's fairy will install water fountains in the kids' rooms.

• The family dinner menu will no longer be my meal and a separate one for the kids. They will embrace my chicken taco chili like it's a McDonald's Happy Meal. Even better — they'll make it themselves.

• Sinks will be self-cleaning so I never have to look at a glop of toothpaste five minutes after I scrubbed the thing.

• The toilet will learn to flush itself. And clean itself.

• Garbage will automatically jump into the bin.

• Next time the youngsters come across a trail of ants, they won't bother to mention it. They'll just exterminate them and clean up the mess.

• The words, "I'm bored" will be permanently erased from their vocabulary and replaced with, "Wow, I'm really fortunate to have enough toys to cover my bedroom floor. Let's donate some to Goodwill. I'll pack them up for you."

• If the kids are going to fight over who's "more annoying" or who's looking at who "the wrong way," they will have the decency to do so quietly. By going into a room, closing the door and whispering their insults to one another. And they will never speak a word of it to me.

It's a little lofty, I know. I better not get my hopes up. Maybe I'll just focus on finding a goal for myself that is a little more realistic. Such as following a diet plan that promises to make me drop 30 pounds in just two weeks.