Here’s the Secret Phrase to Turn Your Kid Into an Amazing Student

Inside: American parents like to tell their kids they’re smart. But that kind of praise works against kids. Make your child a better student with this magic phrase.

My 5-year-old Abby struggles when she makes mistakes.

Just a hunch, but I think it might have something to do with her mother being a perfectionist. Or maybe it’s just the nature of Abby’s own personality.

But watching my child be so incredibly hard on herself gives me a renewed sense of urgency to get a handle on my own perfectionist tendencies.

Abby will say things like:

“I’m never going to learn how to read.”

“Everyone else is better than me.”

“I’m the worst kid in the world.”

That last one is like an ice-cold knife sliding into my mama heart.

Download: Get these fun coloring posters for your child to teach them the power of hard work and sticking with a problem.

An Eye Opener

The other night as I was tucking Abby in, I asked: “What makes someone smart?”

“Their brain,” she said.

I laughed. “That’s a good point.”

Then I asked: “What about your baby sister? Is she smart?”

“No.”

I raised one eyebrow. “How will she get smart?”

“By learning things.”

“Yes,” I agreed. “And by making mistakes, right?”

She nodded.

We were both quiet for a few seconds. I thought of earlier in the day when she said she’d never learn to read. In response, I picked out an easy reader book and sat down with her. She read the whole thing, needing help on just a handful of words.

She pulled the covers up over her shoulders, snapping me out of the memory.

I asked: “What about you? Are you smart?”

A shy little smile. “Yes.”

“Are you as smart as you’ll ever be?”

“No.”

I smiled. “How will you get smarter?”

“I’m going to learn more things.”

“And make mistakes, right?”

She nodded.

One day, I know I’ll get an eye roll instead of a nod, but in the meantime I’ll gladly brainwash the perfectionism out of her.

There Are Two Kinds of People in the World

Our conversation that night sparked something for me.

A few years ago, I volunteered as a mentor to a small group of girls in a second-grade classroom.

Children who have a fixed mindset believe that you are as smart as you’ll ever be. You can’t change how smart you are, no matter how hard you try. And you can’t change your personality or how creative you are.

But children with a growth mindset believe that if you work hard, you can become smarter. These kids thrive on challenge. Whereas fixed-mindset kids see failure as evidence of not being smart, growth-mindset kids see failure as an opportunity for growing. In fact, they don’t even see it as failure. They see it as LEARNING.

Can you take a guess which kids are most successful in school and in their careers later in life? Which kids have the greatest capacity for happiness?

More than 20 years of research shows that the key to success in school and life is having a growth mindset. In other words, if you believe that trying hard will make you smarter, it will.

However, if you believe that nothing you do will change how smart you are, it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. What’s more, these fixed-mindset kids don’t enjoy the learning process. Their mindset even drives them to lie about their school performance in order to maintain the perception that they are smart. They simply can’t handle mistakes.

“In one world, effort is a bad thing. It, like failure, means you’re not smart or talented. If you were, you wouldn’t need effort.

“This growth mindset is based on the belief that your basic qualities are things you can cultivate through your efforts. Although people may differ in every which way – in their initial talents and aptitudes, interests, or temperaments – everyone can change and grow through application and experience.

Do people with this mindset believe that anyone can be anything, that anyone with proper motivation or education can become Einstein or Beethoven? No, but they believe that a person’s true potential is unknown (and unknowable); that it’s impossible to foresee what can be accomplished with years of passion, toil, and training.”

Well, duh. As a parent, OF COURSE you believe that if your child works hard, she can be anything she wants to be.

But the problem?

Our actions as parents don’t always support this important growth mindset.

Here’s What We’re Doing Wrong

Have you ever told your kid he’s smart? I sure have.

And we’re not alone. According to one survey, 85 percent of American parents think it’s important to tell their kids that they’re smart.

But we need to stop, and here’s why.

Telling your child “You’re smart” is playing right into the fixed mindset.

In just one of the many studies that shows what happens when you praise your child by saying she’s smart, the researchers studied fifth-grade students:

The researchers would take a single child out of the classroom for a nonverbal IQ test consisting of a series of puzzles – puzzles easy enough that all the children would do fairly well. Once the child finished the test, the researchers told each student his score, then gave him a single line of praise. Randomly divided into groups, some were praised for their intelligence. They were told, “You must be smart at this.” Other students were praised for their effort: “You must have worked really hard.”…

Then the students were given a choice of test for the second round. One choice was a test that would be more difficult than the first, but the researchers told the kids that they’d learn a lot from attempting the puzzles. The other choice…was an easy test, just like the first. Of those praised for their effort, 90 percent chose the harder set of puzzles. Of those praised for their intelligence, a majority chose the easy test. The “smart” kids took the cop-out.

But why?

“When we praise children for their intelligence,” [researcher Carol Dweck] wrote in her study summary, “we tell them that this is the name of the game: Look smart, don’t risk making mistakes.” And that’s what the fifth-graders had done: They’d chosen to look smart and avoid the risk of being embarrassed.

In a subsequent round, none of the fifth-graders had a choice. The test was difficult, designed for kids two years ahead of their grade level. Predictably, everyone failed. But again, the two groups of children, divided at random at the study’s start, responded differently. Those praised for their effort on the first test assumed they simply hadn’t focused hard enough on this test. “They got very involved, willing to try every solution to the puzzles,” Dweck recalled. “Many of them remarked, unprovoked, ‘This is my favorite test.’?” Not so for those praised for their smarts. They assumed their failure was evidence that they weren’t really smart at all. “Just watching them, you could see the strain. They were sweating and miserable.”

Having artificially induced a round of failure, Dweck’s researchers then gave all the fifth-graders a final round of tests that were engineered to be as easy as the first round. Those who had been praised for their effort significantly improved on their first score – by about 30 percent. Those who’d been told they were smart did worse than they had at the very beginning – by about 20 percent.

Telling your kid she’s smart stresses her out. It shifts her focus to getting and keeping that label of “smart.” She doesn’t learn as well, she doesn’t enjoy the learning process, and she actually does WORSE on her schoolwork because of it.

Print These Coloring Posters to Change Your Kid’s Mindset

I’ve tried countless parenting techniques to encourage a growth mindset in my kids – some of them total duds.

But I wish I’d created these special mindset posters much earlier because the results have been fast and impressive with my grade-schooler and my preschooler. (Even my toddler repeats the growth mindset mantras she hears from her older sisters!)

Thanks to these mindset posters, my kids have internalized powerful, positive mantras to remind them that hard work and sticking with a problem will help their brains grow – and will help them become the people they want to be. (Check out the science behind these growth mindset posters that makes them so powerful with kids.)

Download your own set of mindset posters here, and you’ll unlock your child’s true potential for working hard, not giving up, and learning from her mistakes.

Want More?

Your Turn

Which mindset do you have? What about your kids? Leave a comment to share!

Hi, I'm Kelly. I'm a mom of four, a recovering perfectionist, and the author of Happy You, Happy Family. Parenting is hard enough without all the guilt we heap on top of ourselves. So let's stop trying to be perfect parents and just be real ones. Sound good? Join my mailing list and as a bonus, you'll get 25+ incredibly helpful cheat sheets that will ease your parenting struggles.

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Great post! I am trying to be a mistake-making grower, but I am absolutely a safe on the sidelines kind of girl by nature! Thanks for sharing this at Big Hair and Books!

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Kelly

Rosemond, I’m glad you enjoyed this post! I’ve been using this phrase with Abby more and more – it’s definitely a process of re-training myself. But I can definitely tell a difference with her. She’s starting to take pride in things that are hard work for her brain!

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Marie

Loved your article! Thank you for writing that.

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Barb

Love the article! You must have worked hard on it. :-) The number of ads on your blog is distracting though.

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Katie

wow is THIS ever ‘right on’!!! I was a straight A student, well behaved kid, and I was always told how “smart” or “good” I was. (or how I was “too smart NOT to do this or that” THAT’s a bad one too :( ) Anyway, yesterday I ended up breaking down to my mom about how I felt that I was always pressured to be “good enough” and when I DIDN’T measure up to that said “ideal” I felt completely WORTHLESS. This is a good post. It applies to ALL of life eve, not just schooling! :)

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Nicole Schwarz, LMFT

Saying “you’re smart” is such a hard habit to break. I notice that my kids’ grandparents use this phrase all the time with my kids, and it makes me cringe. I’ll pass along this suggestion! Thank you for giving us a simple alternative.

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Carrie

I have always told my children that while they are naturally smart, I am most proud of them for their hard work. (and their loving hearts, kindness, etc)

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Kelsi S

Love this. Thank you. “Good job” is I think along the same vein and a phrase I think needs to pretty much be eliminated from our vocabulary as well. I have a 2.5 year old and appreciate articles that challenge us to communicate more effectively with her. I love your blog, and to be honest with you, I find most “mommy blogs” incredibly annoying. But I find yours refreshingly un-annoying. ;) So, good job! (…get it?)

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RonCade

Some things need to be as perfect as possible, some do not. Blessed is the person who can tell the difference.–Ron Cade

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nicole

Great article. Please help me with tits though. My second grade daughter is dyslexic and hates school. What do you say hen she constantly says, I’m so dumb. Everyone reads better than me. I’m so dumb at math. I’m in the lowest group……i have been counteracting her saying she’s dumb all the time with telling her she’s smart……please advise

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Erika Cedillo

Hi Nicole, I don’t know where you are now at in your journey, I see your post is over a year old. But still I wanted to share that I have a daughter with lots of challenges and one suggestion we received from psychologist was to help her to realize her path is different, but everyone learns differently and that she is learning and doing it at her pace. We recognize her effort and we tell her how proud we are of the effort she does at doing her work at school because we know it is hard for her.… Read more »

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Jodi

Similar to “The Nurtured Heart Approach” to parenting…which is all about being specific in regards to praise, and finding the greatness in every child. Thank you for writing and sharing this!

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Alan

That’s a very interesting approach… I’ve been told I’m smart and I grow up being lazy (I have to admit, honestly).
I hope to raise my kids eager enough to respect the hard work.

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Erika Cedillo

Great post and thank you for the printable! We’ve been working on the growth mindset and I think this is a great exercise to do with my girls. :)

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Kathryn

I love your one-stop phrases, Kelly. My daughter is a violinist. She is getting very good but really struggles with making mistakes. She would rather move on in a huff than spend the 2 minutes and 10 repetitions it would take to fix them. I’ll be printing this coloring page for her and stapling it to her violin. Just kidding about the stapling. But she will be getting this. :) Thanks!

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Melissa

Wow, Kelly. This is pure gold. Thank you so much for what you are doing with this blog. Not many other things that are as important as helping countless moms/dads with these very tricky but lasting aspects of parenting. I thank God for ‘your efforts’ ?? and pray He will bless you for it!

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Abigail

Hi Kelly, I’m wondering if there is an equivalent for building kindness in our children. My three year old is not showing a lot of kindness at the moment. I’ve been been saying “you’re kind” or “our family is kind” but it isn’t having much effect. When she shows kindness, I can say “you cared about that person”, but I don’t know what is helpful to say when she chooses not to be kind – what the equivalent of the high five and “you’re learning” in this article is. Any ideas?

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Penny Longhorn

This is not a place for me to post photos. But, my Jaw dropped. You would see why too. My grandson, Is the spitting image of the little guy in the photo, right down to the dejected head posture and the forehead grabbing.
Two out of my three grandsons have precisely the outlook described in this article.
Thank you, thank you for your insightful observations, and excellent coping strategy.
I can’t wait to try it out this tactic today after school during homework time. .

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Happy You, Happy Family™

Hi! I'm Kelly. I'm a mom of four, a recovering perfectionist, and author. I believe you can find happiness in the chaos of parenting life. Start here…