Thursday, June 27, 2013

Owner: Hey, you want to go for a ride?Dog: Sure! I love riding in the car! Where are we going?Owner: To the vet.Dog: I don't really like it there.Owner: I know, but it's for your benefit.Dog: If you say so. Is this another check-up?Owner: Not exactly.Dog: Then why are you taking me there?Owner: You're going to be neutered.Dog: I'm still learning vocabulary. What does that mean?Owner: Your testicles are going to be removed.Dog: What!? Why!?Owner: So you can't reproduce.Dog: But what if I want to reproduce? Don't I have a say in this?Owner: No. It's my decision.Dog: And who the arf are you?Owner: I am your owner and I've decided what's best for you.Dog: Well I'm me and I think you've decided what's easiest for you.Owner: Regardless, this is happening so you can be a good boy and get in the car or I will force you.Dog: Fine. Will this be a quick procedure?Owner: Yes, it is out-patient surgery.Dog: That's good. Are there side effects?Owner: You'll sleep a lot. When awake, you'll feel groggy and won't be able to keep your balance when you walk, nor will you want to eat normally.Dog: Sounds horrible.Owner: Oh, and you'll have to wear a cone around your neck for a week.Dog: Explain.Owner: It's a collar with a bowl coming out of it so you can't lick or bite the incision wound.Dog: A wound? Great! Now all the lady dogs will see it and think I'm tough. Then I can... oh wait.Owner: I know, but at least the urges will go away.Dog: Immediately?Owner: Nope. For a while, you'll still hump every animal you meet, along with people's legs, pillows, and whatever else is around the house.Dog: So, after getting my balls chopped off, I'll hungrily stumble around the house with a bowl around my head so I can't get at my new wound. Then I'll instinctively and uncontrollably hump legs and furniture and get frustrated when nothing happens. This is your plan for my benefit?Owner: I'll get you a new squeaky toy!Dog: OH MY DOG, I LOVE SQUEAKY TOYS!!!!

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

So
there I am, driving along like a grandma, when I’m immediately distracted. There’s
a sentence and I must read it in full. It’s about the president and I know I won’t
care but I have to know what it says. I read it. Horrible. Then I look up to
see the brazen red of brake lights. I can’t stop in time. Smash, boom, shatter,
crunch. Onomatopoeia.

This
tragic situation occurs all the time. Well, probably not and never to me, but I
suppose it could happen. And if it were to be, what would be at fault? Bumper
stickers. Why do these things still exist? I cannot think of anything more
useless than bumper stickers. And believe me, I’ve tried- yogurt, non-alcoholic
beer, various Kardashians. All somehow more useful. And did I just make a
reference to popular culture? I guess since I called it ‘popular culture’ I’ll
still be considered a caveman who’s way out of any loop.

Anyloop…
Rather, anyway- bumper stickers make me cringe. Each is more obnoxious than the
previous one and not one of them matters or changes anything. Some of the more
grotesque ones have even left the bumper to move north to the rear window.
Jimmy Stewart would not be happy. We’ll get to those later. First, a rant…

The
situation described in the first paragraph will demonstrate that I am
admittedly unable to not read bumper stickers. The point is that they are
distracting and dangerous. Especially the ones with sayings and full sentences
on them. ‘Global warming is untrue because winter is cold and blah blah blah
whatever.’ This is too long to read while maintaining a safe distance from the
car in front of me. No sentence is so important that it must be permanently
adhered to the back of your vehicle. And speaking of dangerous, these ‘Honk if
you…’ stickers are an absolute menace. The honking of the horn is for one and
only one of these purposes- to politely (except in New Jersey) alert the driver
in front of you that the traffic light has turned green OR to defensively make a
driver aware that his or her vehicle is getting too close to yours. Or, if you’re
listening to The Heart Of Rock And Roll by Huey Lewis & The News, you know
when to use the horn. That’s the only exception. Do not arbitrarily honk all over
the place because a sticker told you to because you like some band or know
someone with cancer or tongue-in-cheekily hate loud noises.

A
political sticker is probably the worst kind to put on your bumper. What if
your candidate loses? What if your candidate wins? Who cares? Vote and keep it
to yourself. Oh, you voted for some guy? Wonderful. Oh, you didn’t vote for
that guy so nothing his administration does is your fault? Splendid. Go honk
yourselves.

I
don’t care what mountain your car has climbed. I don’t care what you’d rather
be doing than driving. I don’t care which sports teams you like. I don’t care
how far you ran one time. And I really, REALLY, don’t care about your child’s
grades. In fact, here’s a George Carlin quote for that last one- “Here’s a
bumper sticker I’d like to see: We are the proud parents of a child whose
self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor
scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

And
what is the point of religious bumper stickers? Has anyone ever been driving
while thinking, ‘I just don’t know about that Jesus…’ and seen a car with JESUS
LOVES YOU plastered on its back side and converted immediately? No, that has
never happened. I’ve seen bumper stickers for other religions as well but
Catholics are so eager to advertise theirs and that’s why I targeted them
specifically.

Now
I must bring your attention above the bumper to two things that are each the
worst thing ever. 1) Baby On Board. Great. What am I supposed to do with this
information, not hit you? I was already trying to not hit you but somehow now
the idea is more tempting. Also, because I’m a little demented, I have looked
into vehicles with this placard in the window and not seen a baby. First annoying,
second lying. Do they really need a third strike? Yes- a bat to the forehead.

2)
These family member sticker things found on the rear window of most minivans. I’m
sure you all know what I mean, but humor my explanation- People put a sequence
of decals on their rear windows. The far left decal is a grown male stick
figure that’s holding a briefcase or bowling ball or some other stupid thing. Next
to that, a female stick figure baking a pie or just standing there in a dress. Next
to that, at least one stick figure representing a child with a piece of sports
equipment or flowers or jump rope and a really big weird unnatural Charlie
Brown smile. Next to that or them, a decal or decals of a dog and/or cat. These
are all supposed to represent the driver’s family. You know, because that sort
of thing interests complete strangers. Sometimes there are names under each
decal, denoting each specific family member. DADDY, MOMMY, BRYCE, SUZI, TREVOR,
SPOTS, and WHISKERS. It’s enough to cause immediate vomiting. These decals make
me angry for two reasons- 1) I’m not smart enough to think of something this
stupid to sell to the masses, and 2) They show how utterly lame white people
are. Neither you nor I has EVER seen a black or Hispanic or any of the rest of
them family driving with such abhorrent garbage on the back of their vehicle.

To
end on a happy note, I’ll give you a bumper sticker which I not only do not
mind, but think is good. ‘How’s My Driving?’ Almost every truck and commercial
vehicle has a sticker with this question and a phone number on its rear and I say
great. And yes, I have called, both when cut off by a maniac and after
following a courteous, careful driver. The operator gets very confused when you
call to praise the latter.