Sunday, June 09, 2013

Thank you, everyone, for the outpouring of support. It has been just wonderful and I am humbled by the generosity and love from all over the world. I am reminded once again what an amazing community I have around me, both near and far. I am one lucky person. I am trying to reply to everyone, but I apologize for being slow about it. Sometimes this is all just kind of ... a lot.

People are asking for details so here's what I know so far. It is adenocarcinoma of the lung. There are a few lymph nodes in my lung area that are affected, but there is no sign of cancer anywhere else. The treatment will include chemo and surgery, and possibly radiation. I have no idea what caused it, and it is unrelated to the cancer I had when I was 14 (osteogenic sarcoma - bone cancer - in my right humerus). I also have no idea what caused that either, by the way. I'm meeting with the oncologist on Tuesday to lay out the detailed plan, and chemo will most likely start right after that.

As for how I'm feeling, well, I'm all over the place.

I am ready to fight. I know I am strong, and I can make it through this. Hey, I did it once before, and I am a tougher person now than I was then.

I feel really, really sad that my family has to go through this mess. I hope the girls are too young to remember much of it. Poor Zander has taken me to the ER more times than anyone should have to experience.

I am totally dumbfounded that this is happening again, and I wish I could point to a cause. Did I get struck by lightening twice? Maybe I should buy a lottery ticket.

And there is a part of me, deep down, that is absolutely, completely, paralyzingly terrified. Terrified of possible outcomes that I don't even want to give voice to. Terrified of walking back into hell, but this time my eyes are wide open with the knowledge of just how dark this road can get.

Is it better to know?

A lot has changed in the 20+ years since I had chemo as a kid. I understand that adult chemo is quite different than childhood chemo, and that some adults continue to live fairly normal lives during treatment, so who knows how all this will play out.

I keep thinking about 14 year old me. Then, I was so upset to lose my hair. Now, that is such a minor concern it seems trivial. Then, I was so scared of hospitals and needle pokes that I thought I would rather die than go through that. Now, I will walk willingly into any fire, just let me live.

Saturday, June 01, 2013

I lead a pretty golden life. I have an amazing husband who balances out all my quirks perfectly, I have three wonderful and sweet kids, things in the school/career realm are coming along well with all sorts of exciting projects and positive response, my parents and siblings are each incredible individuals and make up a pretty stellar family. As I said to Jason, "I guess there had to be some yang to balance out all this yin."

"Yeah, but this is some pretty f&$!ed up yang!"

Like I said, we are a great match.

...............

So I have cancer. Again. Pretty mind boggling. And it is totally unrelated to the cancer I had as a kid. I keep thinking I'm being Punked.

But, so it goes. The doctors are working on a plan of attack. Running more tests. Gathering information.

Preparing for battle.

I feel like Buffy. Give me something pointy and tell me where the Big Bad is. I just never knew I would need to learn to plural of apocalypse.