CWC Update 18 January 2009

you should make a video telling those mean trolls you won't succumb to their awful attacks! Maybe that'll show them. You need to show them who's boss, put them in their place! You can't let them get away with this!

"CWC Update 18 January 2009" (officially "CWCUpdate01182009") is a video in which Chris issues a scathing statement concerning hackers who used his e-mail account to send messages to dozens of people saying he's come out of the closet. He denies this outrageous claim, and proves his heterosexuality by stomping on the vibrator he has owned for years. Taped to his foot is a message featuring a crudely drawn nude female torso to hammer home his point. According to Chris, it's his representation of him "stompin' on the Troll's Dicks."[2] Regardless, Christorians still remain hard at work determining which anime he copied this stupid idea from.

There is delicious irony in hearing Chris bellow "I'm straight, I'm straight, believe me!" while the camera shows four pink purses lined up on his wall behind him.

Transcript

[The first second of the video is corrupt.] O--lo--Janur--18, 2009.

Uh, this is another brief update. For those of you that have actu--who have actually received them--um...the e-mails that possibly came from my AOL account: troll--another troll has--hacked into my AOL account yesterday...and, uh, spammed the e-mails around. I had, uh, closed the account temporarily...and I am currently, uh, without the e-mail address.

So, therefore, uh...just--just to rem--just to let everybody in my fanbase and on the internet know: I'm sti--I am straight! I am straight! And no troll--no slanderous troll is gonna...alter me in such way! I'm straight. Straight! Believe me!

I have a subscription to Playboy. [sniffles] And look into my--and look in my eyes [looks away], in my face. I can't be more serious than how I am right now. Those damn slanderous trolls!

Damn them all to Hell.

Chris defends his sexuality.

[cut to Chris at a new angle] And another thing, ya slanderous trolls:

[cut to sole of Chris's shoe] You can kiss my foot!And you know what else else?!?!

[cut to a shot of his vibrator on the ground. Chris proceeds to loudly slam his foot down on top of it, and continually grinds his foot into it until it slips loose, rolling out of the picture. His foot turns to reveal a note that depicts a naked woman's torso and the message "CHRISTIAN WESTON CHANDLER IS STRAIGHT!!"] And don't you forget it! [nearly kicks camera over by sliding heel forward for an extreme close-up]

[cut back to Chris at original angle] Uh, but, the rest of y'all, the true, good citizens: peace, and have a good day.