Good. After poncing about in the gardens of French chateaux, Monty Don's back at home in Gardeners' World(BBC2), doing what he should be doing: plunging his big strong hands into moist, dark compost [swoons]. And so I thought I would maybe do a bit of gardening this weekend. Perhaps I can get some inspiration and ideas.

Now is the perfect time to rearrange the borders, says Monty. Good plan, though isn't that what the Tories have been trying, unsuccessfully, to do for ages? It's also the right time to pot my dahlias (where are my dahlias?), force my rhubarb (sounds painful), plant (spring?) leeks and put in some bareroot hybrid teas, not forgetting to give them a jolly good drink of water first. I'm thinking maybe a Rosa Buxom Beauty for the hybrid teas, for a bit of brashness.

OK, so some of this stuff is a little advanced for me. But does it matter? You can watch Gardener's World knowing you'll never actually get around to any of it. I'm happy to marvel and to dream, and to let these enthusiastic experts – Monty, Carol Klein and Joe Swift – do all the work. Now Carol's on about Mahonias. I have got one of them, I know, though lord knows what type. Mahonia Lisa, is that one? A rather enigmatic variety? No, I think mine – like Monty's – is probably a Mahonia Media Charity, so-called because you can take cuttings and donate them to fellow journalists who have lost their jobs in these difficult times. Perhaps.

To work, then. So I'll force my rhubarb, spring my leeks and deal with my hybrid teas next weekend. Sweet peas, too, if there's time – if Monty can't imagine a garden without sweet peas, nor can I. And then I can start to think about adding what Joe calls punctuation and rhythm (I'm thinking maybe a reggae rhythm for my garden could be good, with red, gold and green rasta dahlias). For now, though, I'll probably just start by clearing up the fox poo and broken glass.