I got some things right in the preseason, and some things wrong, but one of the players I’m most happy about is Damian Lillard. In my rankings post, I wrote, “He dominated the summer league and is one of a number of rookies that people are eyeballing. Hell, I have two eyeballs on him. There’s just one thing, he’s a rookie in the big boy league. Still, I’m looking at these points projections…was I high when I came up with that? Well, he’s the starter and the kid’s got talent, so **** it, go for him. Projections: .408 fg/.882 ft/1.5 3pt/18.9 pts/3.7 rbd/5.9 ast/1.1 stl/0.1 blk/3.4 tov.” That’s me, from the past! Last night, Lillard went for 24 points (3-8 from beyond the perimeter) and 7 assists, forgetting to add to other statistical categories. However, on the season, he is averaging .418 fg/.856 ft/2.2 3pt/18.3 pts/3.2 rbd/6.5 ast/1.0 stl/0.3 blk/3.0 tov. I don’t want to say I nailed it, but my penis looks like a hammer right now. He has been an anchor on a few of my teams. “I anchored quite a few fantasies in my time. At least, before I died.” You’re not dead, Dolph Schayes, and I don’t know what your weird innuendo means. Anyway, here are some other looks at some of last night’s performances…

Jonas Valanciunas – He hit nearly 21 minutes but only took 2 shots for 7 points, had 8 rebounds, 1 assist and a block. A week ago, I wrote, “he earned 8 points, 8 rebounds, 2 assists and 2 blocks. The kid has a bright future, but I suspect this is what we get from him for the rest of this season.” So, yeah. Look at me, I should get a doctorate in fantasy basketball rookies.

Andrea Bargnani – He finished with 9 points, 4 boards, an assist, a steal and a block. There he goes, helping his trade value.

Bradley Beal – Returned to earn a team high 25 points (3-6 from deep), 4 rebounds, and an assist. Remember when you thought his value would drop when Wall came back? Oh, we were just kids then.

John Wall – Speaking of Wall, he bricked 11 of 12 shots (no three attempts, thankfully), but otherwise had 3 rebounds, 6 dimes, 3 steals and a juicy 2 blocks. Oops, he also had 7 turnovers. Last night’s game was like jerking off with soap; it felt good, but it’s also going to burn for a while.

Byron Mullens – Reached 20 points and 12 rebounds for the double double, then threw in an assist and a steal ’cause he’s cool like that. Well, at least as cool as someone named “Byron Mullens” can be.

Andrew Nicholson – If you like double doubles, then here’s another one! Nicholson finished with 13 points, 12 rebounds, 2 assists and a steal. Before the All-Star Break, he was averaging 12 points, 6 rebounds, 1 assist and a block per game in February.

Larry Sanders – His return saw 14 points, 8 rebounds (3 offensive), an assist and 6 blocks. It’s like he never left. Only he did. But now he’s back. Front and center.

Samuel Dalembert – With Garry Shandling in the starting lineup, Dalembert played 11 minutes for 3 points, 3 rebounds and a block. Well, that sucks. Yeah, he isn’t a superstar, but if you have a guy that can play well, let him keep playing! Oh, well, this Dalembert went back into hibernation.

Joe Johnson – He finished with 24 points, 5 rebounds, 5 assists and 0 turnovers. He also won the game for the Nets with another last second victory shot. If your league has “Buzzer Heroics” as a stat, Sockless Joe Johnson should be drafted first in every league.

Kris Humphries – There was some talk about whether the Hump should attend his trial regarding his annulment due to it being scheduled during the playoffs. I don’t know how things work in crazy California, but in my stomping ground of New Jersey, if a litigant failed to show up for Court, it will not go well.
Show up to Court, people! This goes double for Kris, who apparently did not show up for the basketball court, concluding the night with 8 points, 7 rebounds, and 2 assists. Imagine what Dalembert could do if he switched places with the Hump.

Charlie Villanueva – He was off last night, finishing with 2 points on 1-8 shooting, including 5 misses from downtown, plus 2 rebounds, 2 steals and 2 blocks. You could say he couldn’t get his shots to fall-icle.

Al-Farouq Aminu – A reasonable night for the terrorist, he accumulated 10 points, 7 rebounds, a dime, 3 steals and 2 blocks. Why yes, I would like to read his manifesto.

Greivis Vasquez – General Greivis missed 4 attempts for three point land, but he made up for it by going to Disneyland. Wait, is that true? Wait, why am I asking you? He finished with 11 points and 10 assists for the dub-dub, plus 2 rebounds. He hasn’t had less than 6 assists since January 16.

Jeff Green – Still isn’t starting, but he led the team with 20 points, plus he contributed 1 rebound, 3 assists, and a three pointer. He is averaging 16 points per game in February. Well, I’m saying that by eyeballing his February stat lines. I should probably just look up the number, but I won’t. Trust me, he’s scoring. With the ladies! Who own him on their fantasy teams.

Andre Iguodala – He missed all 7 shot attempts to wrap up his night with 1 point, 3 rebounds, 7 assists, 2 steals, and a block. Points aren’t everything, but it is usually the first stat I look at when breaking down or ranking players. AI’s points aren’t actually that bad, but his peripheral stats aren’t that good. He’s average, and he was supposed to be better than that. Above average, if you will.

Jarrett Jack – He posted a respectable 19 points, 2 rebounds and 9 assists. It’s his 3rd 19+ game in a row. By the way, isn’t it weird how Tegan and Sara are identical twins that are both lesbian? How often do you think that happens? Outside of porn, I mean. It must be pretty rare, right? How rare is it to get a
shooting guard who can actually shoot this late in the season? Well, JJ is still only 62% owned in Yahoo leagues.

Jamaal Tinsley – With 19 minutes under his belt, he reached 4 points, 3 rebounds, 5 assists, 3 steals and a block. Technically, it’s a better line than Iguodala’s, but I can’t get excited about either one of them right now.

Tim Duncan – He and Tony Parker just keep doing what they’ve been doing, despite no expectations. Duncan finished with a line of 9/14/2/2/4 while Parker threw in 30/4/11/3/0. Parker also had 7 turnovers, but shhhh, don’t ruin this.

Manu Ginobli – After a nice rest, he came out to 12 points, 7 rebounds, and 2 assists. To fend off any questions, I would still want him on my team.

Isaiah Thomas – Another 20+ point night, this time with 22 points (2-4 from behind the arc), 2 rebounds, and 4 assists. I wish he would flesh out his game a little more, but zombie hunger be damned, he’s been dropping some serious pointage games of late.

DeMarcus Cousins – He and I had big plans this year. He was going to do better than 11 points, 8 rebounds (4 offensive), 4 assists and 2 blocks, and I was going to finish that novel about a little boy who leaves his terrible stepfamily behind and goes to a boarding school for wiz…oh, son of a bitch, I see it now. I still like DeMarcus, but I’m not sure if I want to put my fingers inside my Cousins anymore.

Goran Dragic – The leader of the Hyrulian rock people finished with 16 points, 5 rebounds, 18 assists…yes, 18 assists…2 steals and a block. Someone just won his fantasy team assists for the week. Dragic is usually good for 6 assists per game, which is not tragic.

Me – Folks, I wanted to let you know that I have decided I cannot devote the proper amount of time to this basketball endeavor, so I am handing over the editor reins to JB. He will be picking things up on Friday. I will still be around as a part time contributor (including a DraftKings post about their mega contest later today), so if you want to ask me questions or berate me about my analysis (cough remember Lillard?), have no fear, I’ll still be near. If you want to throw some love my way in the comments, I’m a whore, but I’ll also give feedback on your trade proposals. I’m just that kind of guy.

There’re 4 weeks left, and I’ve been holding on to Andrew for so long that I’d take damn near anyone. The Amare team is having a firesale since he’s way out, but his team next year might be too good and I don’t want to fuck next season up either. He just traded John Wall for Rondo to the 3rd seed and I’m freaking out about playoffs now. Is a bootsy Amare better than the corpse of Andrew Bynum ROS?