This post has been edited, due to a missing link – the iceberg, see below.

The human baby/child must be mirrored back from its caretakers in order for it to grow into a separated being with a “me” identity separated from others. This idea – that humanity has unconsciously and collectively agreed upon, and therefore has anchored in our soul, is one of separation’s cornerstones: I am alone. I MUST be loved. Lets’ call it The Deal.

Some example of world-laws/separation laws:

Time exists and makes us grow old and die. Sickness is a nature law. Fear helps us be safe.

In non-duality and A Course in Miracles, we are trained to realize the truth that is eternal and non-changing – and therefore becoming able to see the two thought systems “love/fear, and choose which one we want to listen to.

It has been my strange and wonderful experience many times to change a fear thought underlying a sickness-symptom, and as a result, having that illness and symptoms disappear in a moment.

(My cancer disappeared in one such moment: see “When I am healed I am not healed alone.” Link below. *

Born into a body and separation, we are dependent on other bodies: – again unconsciously collectively agreed on by humanity * We need our caretakers to mirror us ,to see us, to give us names for all we see: tree. Hand. Milk. And later: now you are angry. You are afraid. Healthy upbringing: and it’s all OK that you feel what you feel: I am here for you. Destructive upbringing: You shouldn’t feel like that, it’s something wrong with you.1.example: LOVE. 2. example: FEAR

I know beyond all doubt that I have chosen my lives down to the most minute detail – and that without them, I could never be where I am now – seeing through my creations, being willing to be willing to drop my interest in their drama ( still a working project ;)) and allow myself to rest in my true identity as Christ/The Son of God – which I share with everybody.

Right now, the healing has focused on a corner-stone of the collective delusion of humanity: I am ALONE and I MUST have love from OTHERS. As I see it, it truly upholds the separation. Nothing wrong with others’ love – but that my sacred Self needs love from “others is false. Due to the Course and non-duality:” there are no “others” , only Love – disguised as many and separate, mirroring back to us what we need to see, accept and forgive.

I am not trying to convince you or save you – I am sharing a way of thinking that is healing my mind and bringing me more and more frequently into the Peace of God, and the Joy that is eternally available there.

So this is a place where I just share my wobblings 🙂

The latest theme is the underlying enormous urge to eat- to fill the perceived emptiness that we may have experienced when we first perceived ourselves as separate from Source. We sense the sucking void of the thought I have left Source, I am dependent on something other than me – and this thought we held to be an unavoidable sign of healthy upbringing: to be an autonomous ego/personality.

In this world that applies -and when this upbringing equals losing our faith in our spiritual being, we start taking fear’s hand and believe that it is safety.

So when I had the experience described in The Iceberg, I believed I was very close to death. I truly believe that if I had believed the thought “Now I will die” I would have allowed the heart attack in – but instead, my training into curiosity and wonder allowed me to choose to embrace the feelingexperienced asdying: I MUST be held and seen and LOVED if I shall survive. It shook me to the core,and all through it the fear of death was there – but the longer i stayed with it, the less i believed the fear.

We cannot let go of what we first haven’t accepted and allowed = forgiveness. Choosing to allow the feeling, I did not accept the threat of dying – I did not believe in the thought, giving my power to it. And I truly believe that it saved my body from dying.

What has been demonstrated lately, today in a Skype session with Kit, is the inner hunger that arises when the small child is born into a family whose parents have not themselves had parents who felt safe and loved : I AM A VOID THAT MUST BE FILLED.

Immediately after this primal urge comes, THIS MUST BE HIDDEN – the child can not live with that feeling when it is clear that it can NOT be filled – so our own denial, just like our parents’ denial, creates this HUGE urge: I AM HUNGRY.

I remember a time where a boyfriend, my daughter and I visited a Christian retreat center for a weekend. The rooms where we should sleep were clearly belonging to children. So I asked the son in the house if this was his room – he said yes with a blank, far-away -look. I asked, ‘is that really OK with you?’ ‘This is how it is’ he said -‘ we always give away our rooms for the guests.’

We had driven the whole day without eating more than a little snack, I was ravenous – but what I was truly feeling, without being aware of it ( this was about 30 years ago) was that I was really picking up the collective “ I MUST BE LOVED, I MUST BE NR.1 for my parents.” This belief at that center mirrored exactly mine( -and my boyfriend’s.)

So when the pizza came, I became nuts, and wolfed it in, knowing I must looked VERY ill behaved, but not being able to stop the primal feeling underlying in us all: I MUST FILL THIS VOID.

I was doubling the pizza pieces so I could eat them faster, since the underlying feeling of starvation was tremendous. All the time the thought: “I will die NOW if this need is not met.” I just did not see that this was not true NOW – it was an old feeling from a very early trauma.

The body does not know the difference: if it is triggered, it is triggered NOW

And underlying all my constant need to nibble and eat constantly lately,is that scream, wanting to be heard.

In the Skype sharing today Kit shared about her son behaving the way I did – to the degree of doubling the pizza and gulping it down. How wonderful to share that I had felt the same, and that his urge mirrors my urge and her urge – and I guess, everybody’s urge, as long as we haven’t fully awakened from the dream

My friend Coreen R.Walson allowed me to print her crystal clear teaching story about reality here. When you find yourself reacting with WHAT! please read to the end: reality is the upside-down of what it seems to be in this world.

And I couldn’t have read that if I had not experienced this upside-down perception myself – where the laws of Love were seen to be quite the opposite from the laws of “nature.”

Enjoy.

*

THE HALLWAY –

Imagine a long hallway, and you are at the beginning of it. And at the other end is a brilliant, white light, yet it is soft and warm, and inviting. And you know intuitively that it is your job to keep focused on this white light. While you are in this hallway, you experience perfect peace, complete satisfaction, a quiet sense of joy and a tremendous sense of gratitude, and a remembrance of your connection to and Oneness with the Creator floods your consciousness. And in this stillness you know that everything works together in perfect harmony, and all that you ever need is effortlessly supplied for you, because it is your Creator’s pleasure to provide all that it’s creation needs and desires. And you are in a state of awe before the grandeur of reality, the perfect balance, the rhythm of life, the perfection, the beauty and the Love the permeates you and your surroundings.

And as you begin walking down this hallway, you notice that this hallway is lined with doors. All of them look identical. Then all of the sudden, one of them swings open and there stands your best friend, with a panicked look on their face, motioning for you to come in and look! And because you love your friend, and you are concerned, you enter into the door, and find yourself in a room, where there are chairs lined up facing a movie projector, that is playing a movie called scarcity. And your friend is talking rapidly about how the economy has been hit very hard recently due to a crisis in the housing market, how prices for food and gasoline have gone up, how there is a shortage of food, and jobs are hard to find, and she can’t afford her rent . . . . and you watch your friend point to the movie playing, and you see how agitated she is, . . . and as your eyes become accustomed to the dark in the room, you see people sitting in the chairs, some with their eyes glued to the screen, some have fallen asleep in their chairs because they’ve been there so long. And then you receive a stirring within you, . . . . and a still, small voice reminds you of where you just came from, . . .that feeling . . . where was it . . . oh yes, back outside in the hallway, where all your needs are always provided for effortlessly, where you are safe and loved and cared for. And you try to take your friends arm and go back out the door, but your friend keeps staring at the movie screen, irritated that you aren’t seeing what is right before your eyes. “Look!”, she insists, “don’t you see what’s happening?” “don’t you care?” But as you try to explain what is on the other side of the door, the volume of the movie gets louder, and your friend goes back to the screen, mouth open and eyes full of fear. You realize that you cannot help her, that you must go back into the hallway alone.

As you enter into the hallway, the stillness and peace welcome you. You take a moment to allow yourself to readjust from the previous scenes of chaos and calamity to the knowing off the presence of God and His dominion over all. You exhale, and are so grateful to be back Home.

As you continue down the hallway further, another door opens and it’s a family member, crying and begging you to come into the room and see. You immediately head for the door to see what’s the matter, and just as you cross the threshold into the room, there was a still small voice that asked you whether that was a good idea, but this is family, and they are crying, and you dismiss the voice and you go into the room, and there on the movie screen are very disturbing and very real looking sick people and scenes of illness and disease, with narrators talking about symptoms and the seasons that people will most likely suffer from these unavoidable illnesses, how long they will last and what medications you can buy to help alleviate your inescapable suffering. You see the fear and horror in the eyes of your family member and you begin telling him that what they are looking at is only a movie being played out on a movie screen, that it isn’t real, . . you point out that there is, in reality, nothing going on except that he or she is mesmerized by what is playing out in front of them. There is nothing actually taking place, that all he or she needs to do is come out of the room where everyone experiences perfect health. But your family member looks at you like you’re absurd, argues on the side of the scenes of numbers showing high fevers, paled skin color, runny noses and difficult breathing. “Look at the pain these people are in! How can you deny this?! You obviously don’t care, either that or you are delusional.” And with defiance in their eyes, they turn away from you, and you see that he or she has returned to join the others, sitting in their seats, staring at the movie screen, fixated on the images of suffering sense, . . . and again, you feel the familiar tug to go out of this room, and you head back out into the hallway.

You continue on a bit further now, again a door opens wide, and your mother steps out, and she looks frail and scared. And she asks you to come into the room with her. And you don’t want to go, but it’s your mother, and your heart wants to reach out to her, and you go in and the movie of unavoidable death is playing. And your mother is wringing her hands, and you go to comfort her. And you want her to come out in the hallway with you, where Life is eternal and she listens to you for a bit. You tell her that her life is complete out in the hallway, that she is spiritual and eternal, you ask her to remember Who made her and that she is not a limited, physical body but a free and perfect spiritual Idea of the Divine Mind that created her. And you think she’s convinced, and she stands up with you, and as you head for the door, she takes another look at the movie screen, and looks back at you, and with great sadness tells you that death is inevitable and that she loves you. You stand there, looking at the screen, and tears well up inside you, but your hand is on the door to the hallway, and you shudder over this moment, as you are being called to remember the Truth of being, all the while being consumed with the sadness and grief on the screen in front of your physical eyes. Just then you hear the still small voice tell you that you are of no real help to anyone as long as you stay in the room. The only place you can help another is from the standpoint of perfection, back in the hallway. If you are in the room, you are accepting the reality of the movie being projected, and you are no longer awake to Truth and Reality. “Aha”, you exclaim as you remember once again the experience of the hallway and with this renewed strength you grab the door handle, and enter back into it.

A wave of joy, of gratitude, wash over you, you shed tears in Thanks to an All Mighty God and his infinite goodness as the former pictures are wiped away and you recall the Truth that sets us free.

As you continue your journey, new doors begin to open up, some people you recognize, some you don’t. And you acknowledge these people, and sometimes you might strain your neck to see what movie is playing in the room, but you don’t enter into the room. You begin talking to those in the room while standing in the hallway. Some of them slam the door on your face, others listen for a moment and then shake their head and close the door. But you begin to realize that the longer you stand in the hallway, the more certain you are about the truth of being, the more influence you begin to have over those who are in the rooms. They listen to you a bit longer, they notice that there is something different about you, . . a light perhaps, a certainty, a knowing . . something that they recognize in you . . . . . that makes them want to listen to you more, . . . .

And then one day, a woman opens a door, and pleads with you to come in to see the “help me my child is dying” movie. And there is not a single part of you that is in the least bit interested in going into that room. But you feel immense compassion for this woman. And you look back up at the light at the head of the hallway, and with this surge of Love and Power, you look her straight on in the face, and you declare to her that what she is standing aghast at is nothing! It is a movie on a movie screen, and nothing more. And that she has the power and authority and ability to walk out of that room any time she wants to! That her life and the life of her child are always perfect, safe and secure with God. That no power exists to end, alter or destroy Life. Life is of God, He is Life itself, Eternal Life, with no beginning and no ending. You share with her the story of your brother Jesus Christ, how he came to prove the nothingness of death, the Allness of Life, that he overcame the grave, and gave us the victory over the illusion of death. And you saw something click in this woman’s eyes, she remembered, . . . . she smiled and without looking back she entered into the hallway with you. She was transformed as she walked out to join you, beauty and holiness radiated from within her, she laughed as she threw her head back and faced the light, she was overjoyed to recall her birthright, and sang out in thanks because she was overcome with gratitude. And you felt something, as you looked down, her child had joined the both of you, and the child took your hand and his mother’s hand, and looked into your eyes, and said “thank you”.

And that’s when more Truth began dropping into place for you. Yes! My job here is to stand firmly in this hallway, where I receive all that I need to do the Father’s Will, and to beckon to those who are in these rooms, hypnotized by the pictures. And this desire sprang up, and compassion was in the driver’s seat, and you humbly asked for guidance on how to spring your beloveds out of these rooms. And you heard the following:

These rooms are like refrigerator doors. The light comes on inside them only when you open the door, and the light shuts off when you close the door. Like the refrigerator door, the movie in these rooms only start when the door opens and when the doors shut, the movie turns off. This is because the movies, which are only false beliefs being projected outwards, need a watcher, a witness, in order to be seen. A false belief requires a believer to have any influence or power. If there is no believer, there is nothing to the false belief. If there is no witness, there is no movie playing in the room.
So unless there is an observer in the movie room, the movie isn’t playing. And if there isn’t a believer, there is no false belief to mesmerize us. And then came the punch line, you hear in the most sweetest, kindest, most loving voice, “ and by the way, I never created a false believer”.

And you take a step back, . . . and you gasp, and the tears fall, and you begin laughing . . . laughing because you realize that you had still been mesmerized yourself while in the hallway, seeing doors with false believers past them, taken in and feeling responsible or concerned for others, . . . . when all along, there is no such thing as a false believer, a false belief, a scary picture, an illness, sickness or death, or a sufferer of an illness, sadness or of scarcity. You see with infinite clarity the perfection of what God is and what God created. The new understanding takes on a vastness, an expansion that goes beyond your physical senses and moves through you and out into everything that you see. You are transformed by the freedom that this Truth brings, and you can’t help but be so grateful that everything that you felt was so real before was nothing but a false concept that you left behind because you know that you have the mind of Christ, and therefore you are not a believer of false images and nobody else is either. What is true for you is true for everyone! And you claim this out loud, and you thank God for it. And then you hear voices from behind you, and as you turn around, there is your best friend, your Mother, your family members, and a host of others that you recollect from the dream, and they are smiling at you, and you are laughing and celebrating with one another, even poking fun at each other, playing like kids and enjoying the Presence of God, the Allness of good, and the absolute nothingness of its supposed opposite. You see the Truth in each other’s eyes, you recognize your Oneness in one another, and you are overcome with Love. There is nothing else. Nothing else matters, nothing else is real, nothing else is acknowledged.

And in a moment, you all stop, and look back towards the light, and the most beautiful music you’ve ever heard starts to play, and the walls to the hallway fall away, and you see colors you’ve never seen before above you, and every part of your being comes vibrantly alive and together you hear, “well done, my good and faithful servant” and you are welcomed Home.

What I share, I own. So I will share the dream that played out this early morning – that my daughter really would prefer me to be dead, except for Christmas…

This is MY perception of my daughter. Thank God it is not a true perception. It is the role I have projected on her – reflecting a false belief I have been clinging to as “me” :” It is dangerous to receive Love, I am not worthy.”

I woke up with this atomic strong urge – “YOU HAVE TO LOVE ME- YOU MUST LOVE ME’ “and it was easy to see that the very center of pain came from the lungs and the shield around the heart – with the chronic painful cough and the breath that is so constricted. The pain felt like a full-blown heart attack – a mammoth stepped on my chest, and I knew that if I succumbed to that feeling, believing I was this body, I would be dead within 10 seconds.

But all parts of me did not accept that this was true: I am not a body, there is no death in Christ. I recognized the agonized crushed feeling was just a replay of the tremendous fear during the attack in the wood,* where I certainly knew that I was close to death -and I had made it mean that I was guilty and sinful and deserved it, when my mother did not comfort me and listen to what I had experienced when I returned home from the wood. This is what the Holy Son of God believed at the perceived separation from God: I have sinned! I am guilty beyond any measure – and now He hates me – I am out of His favor and His love – for ever

Now, when the catastrophic feeling at last was allowed in its full measure, Life poured into the iron armor of holdings around the heart – seeping into those muscle tensions that were created, when I projected my unwillingness to love myself, on my family – and later have projected outside on “enemies” to attack me

And so it is, in this world: attack, or be attacked

I thank Jesus for his Course in Miracles that allowed me to gradually change my mind and perception with its 365 lessons

I believe that the one reason that heart attack did not kill me, is that I recognized it as coming from a false thought: I am not worthy of love. Parts of me believed that strong enough to project a dream where my main mother projection, my daughter, said what I have projected her to say – so I could recognize my error in perception when I woke up and allow the armor around the heart to melt.

There is One Mind, and we are all it

The pains can have no effect on me if I stop believing in the false stories of the ego. Right now, the energies are working through my body as sunrays shining on an iceberg. The frozen structure answers with sensations – and if I believed in the stories about a separated me and guilt, the pain would be atrocious – as the first experience of heart pain when I awoke from my dream. As just witnessing right now in gratitude and wonder, pain is seen as springtime: the buds may be afraid of opening, but they will anyway

Again and again I notice that I stop breathing – and again and again Spirit gently prompts me to breathe into these old holdings in the body mind, allowing Love to penetrate them gently. He reminds me of Shem – the Love within the breath, the Life that breathes everything. I cannot exist without that life force: when I believe it, I am dreaming my dream.

The ego does its best to convince me to demonstrate complete awakening here and now – oh, hilarious

The ego further wants me to believe that I must be completely pain free to prove that I am healed – but the ego IS the very thought system that things take time and “pains” should not be there.

Without the judgment, and the resistance it creates, I am just here – being lived with. And the parts of me that have believed in, and identified with those ego thoughts- those are the one coming up to the surface of the iceberg, asking to be gently looked at and released

Allowing healing is a choice – allowing the sun to melt it – is a choice. I choose to share this process because it is true and real, demonstrating what simply exists at the bottom of the iceberg -and allow it to be as it is*

(PS-I had to delete the photo of the Iceberg for copyright reasons. Here’s a link to its site: notice the proportions –

What is Real was always here and will never change. My body will respond to the in-pouring of Love, and every second of the healing process is precious.

I write this down for ME: I need to remember this place I am right now – when the spell of the ego seems to be stronger than truth, where I still prefer, as the collective unconscious, to dream up impossible dreams of separation.

Blue is playing ( long time ago)

Lesson today in A Course in Miracles: “I am not a body. I am free.”

In the evening, I am looking at “Joan of Arcadia” on TV. Joan’s class is performing a play. Their finale-song goes: “We are not flesh and blood. We are love!”

*This episode has a whole chapter in “When Fear Comes Home to Love – a chapter that also demonstrates that the Divine, in whatever form we can accept, is present always – and can be called upon later – like NOW – to transform the dark energies in the cell memory.

As I was prompted to by St.Germain, I will post some “Blue is playing” here – “When Fear Comes Home to Love” is full of them. I am absolutely certain that if they would not have happened to me, I would have died from seriousness and belief in a very scary God

Now I know better: S/he is utterly playful

Blue is playing: take my hand / 1999

It is Easter. I am going to the mountains to ski with my daughter. We are going by train. I am sitting in a seat at the aisle, and I am reading one of Emmanuel’s books. He writes “Am I here? Yes I am here. Reach out your hand, it will be taken.” [1]

Oh Emmanuel! Please take my hand. I am in dire need to feel that there is someone there for me. Please please take it!

I put my left hand with my palm upwards on the arm –rest, and close my eyes. Twenty seconds pass. Children come dancing down the aisle. They are playing with their hands: it looks like a kind of dance, turning them upwards downwards upwards downwards in rhythm with their steps. In a split second, I notice that the smallest girl is going to put her little hand exactly in my palm when she passes me, and I instinctively withdraw it. It’s not polite for strangers to touch hands.

When the children have passed, singing and dancing, I realize that someone just would have taken my hand – had I not snatched it away! A warmth rushes through me – of course, it was You – where else would You be, but here, as a playful child? And I realize that I was the one who withdrew and missed the opportunity!

Two days later, I lay in my hotel bed, napping after a long day of cross country skiing and sauna. I am alone in the room. I put out my hand again – may I trust that it will be taken?

Only ten seconds this time. The door opens, my daughter enters. She immediately sees my hand and puts a finger in my palm, like one does to a little baby. I close my hand around it.

I awake at 3:13 – feeling beyond bad. I tune in, and find that there is an innermost belief in mankind – subconsciously agreed upon – that we NEED to be punished, and that when we attack ourselves – in any way – we are safer towards God.

I sank deep within this belief, and found that at its center, I believed that fear was my friend: it was my whipper – my savior – from the fierce vengeful god-image we collectively and subconsciously have at our very core.

This seems to explain how the majority of us treats ourselves worse than we would treat an enemy – relentless in our demand of improvement – not recognizing that we ARE perfectly made in His image

What a relief it was to relax into that false idea and rest there in curiosity and wonder –

at first…

then the stories came up from the vast collective unconscious – the cornerstones to our world, based on fear, guilt and sin. A garbage dump with toxic waste.

I sat up in bed and turned on the light. I – the One Mind – had made this. So I owned that, did not judge it, and extended forgiveness to myself. The body felt like a transformer of atomic energy, scary, very scary. And electric! Then I sensed and saw The Christ Council around me, and St.Germain talked to me and said, “we did not know this place as you show it to us now. Thank you for your willingness and courage to go deep.”

I struggled like crazy hearing this – my ego switched from pumped up pride to crushed unworthiness – thank God I was aware that I am not that – that we are not that. Still, I asked him to give me a sign that what I heard here was not a delusion.

Nothing happened – and what a gift that was: I became acutely aware of how afraid I am that I am making these visions up, a sort of schizophrenic spell. Becoming aware of HOW afraid I was, was a gift – so I stayed with that energy and allowed it to pass through me.

The then thought of my book – “When Fear Comes Home to Love” came into my mind. I wrote it with Blue – or Jesus -as my guide, and self published it. St.Germain told me to post “Blue is playing”-episodes from the book here on my blog. These are playful synchronicities from the divine, helping me to move from fear to humor and play – a great way to transform darkness. The book is full of them. And here is the latest – from this morning:

This morning the night’s experiences had passed from my memory. I was standing beside a heap of my notebooks and picked up nr 18 and opened it, not knowing why.

It opened on this note, from June 2014:

St Germain says to me, in the night: “Don’t leave your truth, your heart, when you sense the fear. Appearances only.Breathe deeply into the energy. When you leave yourself,you have told yourself that fear is in YOU, and you have left your house – the Self -and then it is open to “thieves”J All are stories – they arise when you for a nanosecond believe that there CAN be a place where God is not – can you see how utterly laughable that is -“

Yes I can and I do 🙂

And now the memories from the night come back – and me asking for a sign from St.Germain in the night, that what I experienced him saying was not a fantasy from ego.

How grateful I am, that the work that we do, all contribute to the Christ Council. That deleted effectively ego’s insistence that the Christ Council is far far out of reach for “me”, and “above” me.

A deep wave of gratitude and safety flows through me – and the phone called:

A very polite and articulate man asked if it was OK to do a Gallup on how pleased I was with my alarm system –

oh the humor of Blue 🙂

I took this photo of my “Tree of Life” that I planted some months ago. I had started to give up on it – until this morning: on the same branch as the withered brown leafs, there is this shining red one

Like this:

I live in a little road with houses in a row on each side. We have flat roofs, and they need new roofing. We agree that if we hire a firm to do it for both our rows, that would be the cheapest.

This has awoken really bad nightmares in me. When my father almost lost his factory and livelihood the first time – and a second time, when it sank into quicksand – I remember his agony, the tremendous fear of my parents, and as a child of 9 I made a vow never to have to deal with houses and money myself, since it obviously led to disaster.

So now the mind immediately got fired with retelling these old stories, and telling myself that now I must make NO mistakes, or I would subject my neighbors to disaster. I knew it was an old thought and pattern, but it stuck intensely to my identity. Last night I started to fantasy- all the things that could happen and must NOT happen – and because I resisted them so vehemently, they for sure were going to happen – all in technicolor and surround sound.

So what happened this morning? My oldest neighbor rang my doorbell and told me that the neighbor next to me had had moving cleaners at her house – meaning that she must either be at an institution or hospital or dead. ( She really IS old and sick.) I recognized my fantasy from the night, and thought “see what you have made!” Guilt was what I had made. My old neighbor told me how scared he was that we might have to wait with doing that repair a whole year, until my closest neighbor house was sold – and I registered that he was just voicing my own fears – “but that does not mean that they are not true” said the warning voice. I saw how I saw that voice as my savior.

I talked to my other neighbors, and suggested we sign a paper where we all stated our cooperation and willingness to have new roofs and pay for them. They praised me for my wisdom :), we signed, I left them and I just took a peek inside my closest neighbor’s window – and there she was, her flat still fully furnished, watching TV. I rang her bell and she turned her head a little and shrugged and refused to move.

So I fetched the other old neighbor, he signed the paper too and was very embarrassed by his mistake – and we went to her window and banged it. She saw us and pretended to fall asleep. Now I had gotten really frantic – “open you old stubborn bitch you” ( no, not out loud) and she suddenly turned around and screamed.

So we went away.

I knew when I was alone again that I was caught in a paranoid pattern, I prayed deeply to see this differently, to get helped to disconnect from this old story. I called her son who never takes his phone – he is one of our country’s most popular artists – and he answered my first ring. I told him that his mother’s neighbors needed her to sign the paper – he told me that he was in fact going to visit her the same evening, and would see to it.

Still the fantasies were vicious and intense, I was certain she would refuse to sign just to spite me and punish me for banging. Still, I prayed and forgave and at the same time doubted my prayers.

Just some 15 minutes ago, a big bag of newspapers that I had put out to be fetched the following day was blowing away. I went out – and in exactly the same second, Mickey came out from his mothers house with the signed paper. To put in my mailbox.

We looked at each other and laughed – me in my pajamas. What a timing.

And what a superdetailed story I had made – and believed in – and STILL, what I had feared the most, DID NOT HAPPEN.

And now I am fully ready to go back to that time where my parents thought that all was lost – and the crazy energy that I picked up on. Listen to little Leelah, what she made that mean. And at last let it go.

How super clear I have witnessed how we create our world and life – and how willingness to doubt it create miracles

In the morning, there is strong kidney pains, as the last two mornings. I trace the infinity sign outside the kidneys, and instantly feel a release – but it feels like something more needs to happen.I ask Holy Spirit for help, and hear:

From now on, when you feel bodily pain or discomfort, at the same time, please be willing to see the healing energy surrounding it. It is there. It is in fact the truth about it: the pain is a projected image that some parts of the egoic mind ( that you insist is you)- think is real – but it is just a symbol of unconscious guilt. Or an image, if you will.

When you put your focus on the pain with the thought “this shouldn’t be here” you feed it – you think it is real, and not just an image you self have made.

Now – do not dwell with the pain. Do not indulge in it. Allow it to be – AND put your living awareness in the field that surrounds that pain, the love that embraces it. Trust that Love is taking care of it.

This is a miracle. So very subtle -thank God I am good at spotting those subtle changes in the enrgysystem, so I truly can take them in and digest them.

This is about control – and the relaxing about it -letting it go. With great amused curiosity do I this morning spot the places where the controlpatrtern used to pop up and claim its power over me . today, when it comes , I notice the silence around that old pattern instead: “I simply do not need to think like that anymore.” “It is not true that it is dangerous to let go of those thoughts.” There comes this habitually situation where I could have popped into the usual pattern – we are talking a whole life here, 70 years – but it simply has fallen away.

There still is the energysensations of the pattern – but the stories have fallen away: no beliefs in those And it’s Ok to BE with the energy – breathing into it, allowing the Light of Spirit to heal it, as Jeshua says in “The Jewel of the Christ Mind.”

And even that eternally repeate voice – “yes, but be prepared that it will come back” is met with – “maybe – and that it hads disappeared NOW means that it is possible for it to disappear agin, right? No worries.”

I notice how easy it would be for the old pattern to re-establish itself if I were not aware that this subtle change has happened. I notice that whenever <I write a type and those red squiggly lines appear underneath it, I do not have to immediatley have to correct thm – which was the earlier controlpattern. HAH. I’

(at this moment, the screen went whitish and I could not write a write a word more. I had just decided that I would let those typos stay) – and there must be a big belief in the mind that errors are NOT allowed! Oh thank you for showing me that one – yes, errors are allowed, says Jesus in the Course – we are living in an illusion where errors are projected everywhere, so we can condemn them on the outside and not notice this old program on the inside that is responsible for this old tired world, projecting it out from our mind.)

But we can also go inside and forgive ourselves for giving our belief to the thought that errors are DANGEROUS – and when that thought has been forgiven and released, I will be able to not judge the “errors” I seem to see outside of me, and ahuge amount of judging will have disappeared from this world.

Ah. Tht is nice. Yes. THT is so nice 🙂

Let me continue that sentence: HAH.I’ll let the errors stay, this time 🙂

Yesterday I was guided to a website called “Havening.” I went through the process – VERY simple one, which to me is a sign of autenticity – with an old trauma, and I did not feel any change there and then – a litlle relaxation maybe –

but today – now –

OH 🙂

Very nice simple videos on that site – you can follow them for free, yet another sign of autenticity and love

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I love when these kind of poems come to me in the best possible timing

Love After Love by Derek Walcott

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

Like this:

https://www.orindaben.com/pages/rooms/orin_meditation_room/
I remembered that I had all Orin’s books and read and practiced his meditations about 20 years ago. It faded out as A Course in Miracles came more in the foreground – and my spiritual ego – speego – judged ACIM to be more high-brow and Orin [I]so [/I]new-agey, so I let those books go

I hope the ones who have them now truly will benefit from them, as I at last have

Two meditations above all have been powerful: “Clearing blockages” and “Opening to your true identity”. I was able to hold the situation I wanted cleared and allow light to come into it – and it worked!The situations were “deep depressions and suicidal thoughts in the morning” and “disaster-thoughts” – meaning the Amygdala going overboard.

No depression this morning – no disaster thoughts – and a dream where what can be called “vulnerability” – the complete exposedness of private functions like peeing and pooping, was done in a dream room with men. They were completely neutral about it – this was obviously a public toilet room (with only one toilet) and all were cool about it – like it was the most natural in the world. Which it of course is – we all do it:)

The clou came when “my” toilet appeared to be clogged up and poop was everywhere – and another man came and fixed the drain.

Oh my god there was no “me” anywhere – just witnessing that the shit was taken care of by someone who knew the drill to make it disappear in the way it was supposed to – through drains that were not clogged up – nay, open

At no time, there were judgments about this – and no shame whatsoever
What a healing process I am in

Thanks to Rosie Maria who laid herself open recently in another thread -it was the way she described it that made the impact on me – the neutrality and shame-less-ness

In the meditations, we were asked to hold the situation we wanted healed in a certain way ( you gotta listen to the med. to see how that is :)) While it lasted, there were wild pains in the body, and so much tenderness and innocence around it all – I did them several times: most of them are short. And then came a biggy – so relevant for all of us here: the old memory of being abused and tricked by spiritual teachers. Oh yes that ugly one

– and oh yes, it is not entirely unthinkable that i have not been one of those teachers – I remembered being told in a reading that once I had used that position to have sex from the beautiful women who adored me –
oy vey

And then this thought quick as a lightening presented itself:
What about the teachers on the Jewel – promising to do the lessons and posting, like you all – DID THEY DO THAT, EH? EH? DID THEY? They did NOT, liars they are hhrrmpphhs

So I sat with that theme – that situation -allowing the full impacts of believing in the thought that I can be tricked,abused,attacked – embracing it in Love – and the visuals were just perfect for me. I sensed the whole of it being filled with light. And of course, in the middle of it it dawned on me – “Leelah – did you really go to their personal sites and look?”

Hm nooo…I thought I would get a message in my mail when they did – but – that will happen only with the threads I post in

Oh cringe

So I did go to Jayem and John Mark – and will go the others too
and I read and cried of reading their thought and experiences that were my own thoughts and experiences, and was restored to alignement

Healing Crisis:108 Ways to Turn Crises into Possibilities

When Fear Comes Home to Love

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