SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

I made the decision to separate. I can't take the person I've become -- so angry and hostile all because of the A.

Now, that we're S I'm so unbearably sad and lonely. I know it get's better with time but it hurts so much. And he's hurting too. He calls me in tears. Tells me he loves me, he's sorry etc It's not an act but I feel so confused. I know I'm rambling but I thought through all our problems cheating wouldn't be one of them. Now that it is I can't let it go (the anger, confusion, hurt etc)

Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**

Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013

sunsetslost♂ 39885Member # 39885

Posted: 12:02 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014

(((Stronger)))

Take some time. Take care of yourself. It takes time.

Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 793 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.

one2ndchance♀ 14759Member # 14759

Posted: 12:12 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014

Our choices seem so limited, don't they. Angry and hostile or sad and lonely. I, too, chose sad and lonely. At least there was a sense of "cease fire."

Separation offers some distancing from the situation and gives you an idea of what divorce would feel like. It's also showing your WH that you won't live with a cheater. Should you decide to reconcile, your decision to S, makes this crystal clear.

I hear you, we also have a lot of problems, with our special needs kid and everything. But nothing, nothing justifies an A.

I was inconsolable for a little while after I moved out. But not seeing WW and having a space for healing has really helped. Anger, confusion, hurt - they're all still there, but they now fuel me to be a better person:

Anger - I work out a lot more.
Confusion - I read and try to understand my kids, myself, and the divorce process. I read about WW's possible conditions but I no longer obsess over it - I do it mostly to be able to predict her reactions nowadays.
Hurt - I talk to family and friends. I have found new and old friends I can rely on - including you all here in SI. it doesn't make the hurt itself any less (though time seems to), but I do feel better after I vent.

Please do strict NC. Don't answer the phone to him. When you get a voice mail with mixed sentimental crap and kid stuff, transcribe it to email, removing all the sentimental stuff and keeping the logistics, and send him a response. That has helped me tremendously because I can refer back to it without hearing her voice.

Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
XBH
Divorcing. If we can ever get a final conference.

Posts: 878 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California

strongerdaybyday♀ 40264Member # 40264

Posted: 12:30 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014

Thanks to all. Idk how I would have made through these last 8 months without SI

and I like this advice

When you get a voice mail with mixed sentimental crap and kid stuff, transcribe it to email, removing all the sentimental stuff and keeping the logistics, and send him a response.

When I hear his voice I want to forgive and then we hang up and I feel stupid all over again. Thanks again.

Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**

Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013

GotPlayed♂ 41294Member # 41294

Posted: 1:34 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014

When I hear his voice I want to forgive and then we hang up and I feel stupid all over again

That's exactly why I did it.

But after the lack of remorse and a few VMs that contained no "I love you, I'm sorry", but whiny "you never... you don't care about the kids, you don't care about me...", the reason to transcribe the VMs changed to simple detachment, because it was just making me angry that everything is about her and her feelings.

That way I won't answer to her angrily and have my answers end up on her lawyer's desk ("The man-eating b**ch from the XX area", as she proudly called her lawyer once).

Can't be too careful, need to protect myself from the narcissist monster.

Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
XBH
Divorcing. If we can ever get a final conference.