Contemplation is a bitch. *Warning, some rant content. Language. etc.*

I have several problems that I'm trying to consider how to deal with at the moment. And, I'm not doing so well. It fucking bothers me like hell to actually admit that. I can't manage to control myself anymore. This all happening in the course of one, simple solitary day.

A while ago, I get a call. I'm asked to do something, I say no. I get threatened with being killed, I still say no. If I do it, I die anyway. If I lay low, I still die.

I feel inclined to ask: What the FUCK?

I can't do this much longer. I've even been offered the most methamphetamines that I've ever heard of. I'm so fucking tempted just to do it. Take it, succeed or fail, and die either way. Just to put the motherfucking cherry on the motherfucking sundae, my power supply on my good computer shot itself yesterday. I was left to think. I couldn't turn on the TV, couldn't call anyone. I've read all the books I have here a thousand times or more, so I just thought. And while thinking, I realized the severity of where I am, and how it's going at the present point in time.

It's not cool. At all. The mental blocks I've put on my entire past are coming down, letting it all out, and I can't stop them. I forced myself to stop dreaming a long time ago, and I'm getting dreams. Dreams I don't want to have. My death, my disdain and failure for life. How much I really want to die. Just end, and let it be. It's getting to me. I can't stop it for much longer, and anyone here who knows how I am, what kind of person I just so happen to be, knows that I have a very high threshold for all the bullshit that life can bring. I let it slide off of my shoulders and continue on with who and how I am. I can't do it anymore. I can't hack my mind like I can hack into a computer system. Not anymore, at least. The memories of my past are what's really getting to me. My dad, the way he was, how much I used to hate him. How much of an absolutely horrible child I was to my mother.. everything.

I'm not sure just how much longer I can survive, even though it hasn't been a terribly long time that this has been happening, I just can't bring myself up from it, and am seriously considering just taking the easy way off it all, letting myself go.. I can't though. I have a reason to live, I know I do. I just wish she were here..

hi and so sorry you feel so overwhelmed...take a breath and know that there are so many ppl here who you can count on supporting you...just wanted to let you know that I read your post and that I am a PM away...big hugs, J

Vega, I've talked with you many times, and I know how horrible the situation is right now. I can hope that somehow the situation will change and life will get better for you, or at least will stabilize in order for you to be able to cope and continue with your plans in life as they were before the situation occured. Take care.

I don't know you, but the desperation I read from you is unbearable. I don't mean to sound cliched, but I am so sorry you feel so badly. If I were your neighbor I would have you over for coffee and hugs and reassurance. I can't "do" anything for you, as it is, but I can still love you: a stranger to me, it doesn't matter, I still love you and feel your pain. Please PLEASE don't hurt yourself. Please don't let your light go out. You matter. You are part of our universe. I've felt that low and have managed to come back from that point of despair. It IS possible. I'm sorry I can't be of more help. I DO care. I wish I could do something 'real' for you.:sad: