How to Get Dracula to Stop Texting You Without Being Mean

Five tips for undoing the mistake that was giving Dracula your number.

We’ve all been there: you’re at Jack Skellington’s big Halloween bash, trying to make out with either the Creature from the Black Lagoon or the shark from Jaws. You’re having a great time, but just then, none other than the biggest chatterbox—living, dead, or the living dead—approaches you to strike up a conversation.

You stand there and endure it, giving answers like, “Yeah, well it is what it is,” or “Ah that’s too bad,” but Dracula just can’t take the hint and keeps droning on. Then comes that awful moment when you’re about to leave, but he says the most dreaded words Dracula could possibly utter: “So, can I get your number?”

And you don’t want to be a dick, so you give it to him. But now, just as you feared, he’s texting you non-stop.

The following tips to get Dracula to stop texting you will ensure that the only thing you have to fear is his fangs tearing your neck open, not hurting his feelings.

1. Invite Dracula to something you know he’d never attend.

This is a great way to stop a text conversation in its tracks. “Hey dude, I’d love to hear more about how you miss your deceased wife, but I’m about to go to a garlic party where we’re going to rub crucifixes on our foreheads, wanna join?”

Obviously, Dracula isn’t going to want to go to that, and you’ll also have an excuse to stop responding to his texts since he’ll think you’re at this party.

2. Only text him back during the day.

Everyone knows Dracula can’t go out during the day since the sun burns his bitch ass little skin, so he’s only going to be texting you at night. This can be a great advantage if you respond to him as the sun rises. “Ah sorry, just saw this—I was sleeping. You around now to talk?”

Obviously he won’t be, since he’ll be sleeping in his upright coffin. He’ll probably text you as soon as he wakes up, and then you can just pretend to be sleeping again, text back during the day, and continue the cycle. It is this very method that allowed me to end my marriage of twelve years without any confrontation.

3. Catfish Dracula.

One of the fundamental tenants of Dracula’s personality is how horny he is for his dead wife, Elisabeta, who killed herself after hearing a false report of his death. He’s lonely and horny (a most frightful combination) and it doesn’t help that he’s not one of those sexy vampires, but instead, more like a 600-year-old creep who just happens to have fangs.

That’s why you should create a Facebook profile of a woman claiming to be the reincarnation of Elisabeta. Once Dracula starts talking to this fake Facebook account, he won’t have to whine and complain to you anymore about his love life. Sexting Dracula once every week or so is undoubtedly more manageable than getting texts from him every single day.

4. Tell Dracula the truth.

Count Dracula may be a malicious being that rose from the dead with all the powers of darkness to feed on blood after the death of his wife caused him to go mad with grief, but it’s important to remember he was once a person, just like you or I.

Talk to him and explain that he’s not giving you enough space. Be considerate and kind, and he’ll probably understand that he’s coming on a bit strong.

However, if that doesn’t work…

5. Kill Dracula.

This may violate the stipulation I set that this list would resolve the problem “without being mean,” but all of the above tips are temporary solutions that may not necessarily get Dracula to permanently stop texting you. As long as he pays his AT&T bill, the threat of Dracula text blowing up your phone is ever present (and the idea of Dracula not paying his bill is ludicrous because he prides himself on his excellent credit score).

There’s only one way to make sure that the texts stop for good, and that’s by getting off your lazy ass and driving a wooden stake through that vampire’s heart. Van Helsing has been talking about killing him for such a long time, but if he were going to do it, he would have done it by now.

A word of warning: if you mess up and Dracula realizes you tried and failed to kill him, he is going to be PISSED. Before he murders you by draining you of all your blood, you better believe he is going to give you a long speech about what a bad friend you are for trying to murder him (which is so annoying because he’s actually the one being a bad friend by never asking you about your day and only texting you to complain about his stuff, but whatever).

Even if you mess up and he kills you, at the very least, you’re guaranteed to never get a text from Dracula again.

Ryan Ciecwisz is a stand-up comedian/writer. He started doing stand-up at Ithaca College while studying there, and has since performed at Gotham Comedy Club and Broadway Comedy Club in New... View full profile »