20 Things People in Toxic Relationships Refuse to Do

Every long-term relationship is a commitment that will be tested in the most vulnerable areas of the human spirit – a commitment that will force you to make some incredibly difficult choices. It’s a commitment that demands you deal with your lust, your envy, your greed, your pride, your past, your patience, your craving to control, your temper, and countless other temptations begging to be wedged between you and another.

Unfortunately, not everyone who’s in a long-term relationship accepts this level of commitment. So they cut corners. And their relationship pays the ultimate price – it gradually grows toxic.

Over the past decade, Marc and I have coached hundreds of course students who were suffering from various toxic relationship situations. Our extensive coaching in this area has given us keen insight into the corners people commonly cut in their relationships – the things they refuse to do – that ultimately creates toxicity. Below I have done my best to distill this insight into 20 simple bullet points.

This is a quick look at some of the most prevalent things people in toxic relationships refuse to do, and some good ideas on how to do things differently in your relationships:

They refuse to make time. – Mistreatment based on lack of attention damages relationships far more often than intentional abuse. There’s nothing more vital to the bond you share with someone than simply being present with them.

They refuse to uphold the truth. – Trust is the foundation of a relationship, and when trust is broken it takes time and a willingness on the part of both people involved to repair it and heal. All too often I’ll hear a course student say something like, “I didn’t tell her but I didn’t lie about it, either.” This statement is a contradiction, as omissions are lies. If you’re covering up your tracks in any way, it’s only a matter of time before the truth is revealed and trust in the relationship is broken. Speak the truth, no matter what the consequences. Being honest is the only way to be at peace with yourself and those you care about.

They refuse to stop condemning and attacking. – Complaints are fine. Disagreements are fine too. These are natural, focused reactions to a person’s decisions or behavior. But when complaints and disagreements snowball into global attacks on the person, and not on their decisions or behavior, this spells trouble. For example: “They didn’t call me when they said they would because they forgot, but because they’re a horrible, wretched human being.”

They refuse to take responsibility. – When you deny responsibility in every relationship dispute, all you’re really doing is blaming the other person. You’re saying, in effect, “The problem is never me, it’s always you.” This denial of responsibility just escalates the argument, because there’s a complete breakdown of communication.

They refuse to tame their assumptions. – Assumptions are the termites of healthy relationships. Period.

They refuse to abolish their hateful gestures. – Frequent name-calling, threats, eye-rolling, belittling, mockery, hostile teasing, etc… In whatever form, gestures like these are poisonous to a relationship because they convey hate. And it’s virtually impossible to resolve a relationship problem when the other person is constantly getting the message that you hate them. (Read Safe People.)

They refuse to stop giving the silent treatment. – The silent treat is the beginning of the end. Tuning out, ignoring, disengaging, refusing to acknowledge, etc… All variations of the silent treatment don’t just remove the other person from the argument you’re having with them, it ends up removing them, emotionally, from the relationship you have with them.

They refuse to keep their egos in check. – It’s perfectly OK to practice self-care as an individual, but whenever you say “I” and “my” too often, you lose the capacity to understand and respect the “we” and “our.” It’s about maintaining a healthy balance between the extremes.

They refuse to communicate effectively. – It’s hard work to communicate effectively and that’s why healthy relationships between people are often hard to find. Perhaps there’s something that really bothers you about your friend or lover. Why aren’t you saying something? Are you afraid they’ll get upset? Maybe they will and maybe they won’t. Either way you need to deal with it upfront, constructively, and avoid burying it until it worsens, festers and explodes out of you. Also, be sure to communicate more than just problems – communicate the good things too. Share what you love about your friend or lover. Share what’s going on in your mind and heart. Share your deepest thoughts, needs, wishes, hopes and dreams. (Marc and I build mindful communication rituals with our students in the “Love and Relationships” module of Getting Back to Happy.)

They refuse to apologize. – Making up after an argument is central to every healthy relationship. A simple, honest “I’m sorry” is usually the most important step. We all make mistakes, but our willingness to admit it doesn’t always come naturally. So remember, it doesn’t really matter who’s right – it’s what’s right that matters. If your relationship is important to you, an apology is always right.

They refuse to let go of the unchangeable past. – Sometimes health and happiness in a relationship amounts to making peace with something that can’t be fixed. Sometimes you let it go, and sometimes you hold it broken. It amounts to forgiveness in any case.

They refuse to grow beyond their vision of what others “should be.” – You don’t love and appreciate someone because they’re perfect, you do so in spite of the fact that they are not. “Perfection” is a tragic fantasy – something none of us will ever be. So beware of your tendency to “fix” someone when they’re NOT broken. Truthfully, the less you expect from someone, the happier your relationship with them will be. No one in your life will act exactly as you hope or expect them to, ever. They are not YOU – they will not love, give, understand or respond exactly like you do.

They refuse to accept that others can be weak sometimes too. – Sometimes people let us down because they can’t hold us up. “I can’t carry you” doesn’t mean, “I don’t love you.” It may simply mean, “I’m struggling too.”

They refuse to excuse people for their humanness. – Even the happiest relationships on Earth are still comprised of two human beings. And all human beings are imperfect. At times, the confident lose confidence, the patient misplace their patience, the generous act selfish, and the knowledgeable second guess what they know. It happens to the best of us. We make mistakes, we lose our tempers, and we get caught off guard. We stumble, we slip, and we spin out of control sometimes. But that’s the worst of it; we all have our moments. Most of the time we’re remarkable.

They refuse to be there when times get tough. – Be there through the good, bad, happy, and sad times. Be willing to provide a listening ear, a hug, and emotional support when you’re needed. In a healthy relationship, both people can trust that they can count on each other, and are willing to be available not only when it’s convenient, but when they need each other the most.

They refuse to find balance in the “give love, receive love” equation. – Sometimes the desire to love someone exceeds the desire to be loved by someone, and that’s precisely why we sometimes end up loving a person who doesn’t deserve our love. Give all you can, but just remember that you can’t always be agreeable – that’s how people take advantage of you. There’s a point where you have to set clear boundaries.

They refuse to embrace the person they are. – How would your life be different if you approached all your relationships with complete authenticity? Let today be the day you dedicate yourself to nurturing and building your relationships on the solid foundation of who YOU truly are.

They refuse to practice self-care as individuals. – Relationships don’t create joy, they reflect it. Joy comes from within. Relationships are simply mirrors of the combined joy that two people have as individuals. What you see in the mirror is what you see in your relationships. Your disappointments in your partner often reflect your disappointments in yourself. Your acceptance of your partner often reflects your acceptance of yourself. Thus, the first step to having a healthy relationship with someone else is to have a healthy relationship with yourself.

They refuse to let go of perpetually unhealthy relationships. – All details aside, there are certain people who aren’t meant to fit into your life in the long-term no matter how much you want them to. They pass through your life in a shorter time frame than you had initially hoped to teach you useful things you never would have learned otherwise. (Marc and I discuss this in more detail in the “Relationships” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

They refuse to find the positive lessons in relationships that have ended. – Although not all relationships are meant to be, there are no failed relationships, because every person in your life has a lesson to teach. And the lessons you learn make YOU that much stronger. So many people think relationships have to work to be worthwhile, because that’s what everyone tells you to want – that’s the Hollywood love story. Of course, it’s nice when relationships stay healthy and last, but that doesn’t mean your failed relationships aren’t equally as important. Some people you engage with will be like a mirror – people who show you things that are holding you back, people who show you the ways that don’t work, people who bring your insecurities and misjudgments to your own attention so you can change your life.

Your turn…

In your experience, what else do people in toxic relationships refuse to do for their relationships, and for themselves?

Comments

In my 52 years on Earth, I’ve had my fair share of toxic relationships. And gratefully, I’ve also had some amazing ones too. The points in this post are spot on in my experience. Excellent reminders for all of us.

Also, another related reminder I read either in your 1,000 Things book or in one of your emails awhile back that resonates with me:

“When times get tough, don’t be afraid to be the one who loves more (or to put it another way… love all you can and don’t keep score).”

I always seem to come across your work at just the right time in my life. Numbers 17 and 18 in this post resonate deeply. Years ago someone told me…

“You are guaranteed to wake up with yourself every single morning of your life. If you can’t love yourself, then you can’t give true love to anyone else you wake up next to.”

I thought it was “good” advice. Until I realized how much I really didn’t like myself and how this reality affected the people I attracted into my life.

I knew then that I had to find ways to change, and to begin the process of loving myself. Your blog’s emails and happiness course have both been instrumental in getting me back on track. Thank you so much.

Wonderful post, Angel. I’ve been in a toxic relationship for too long, and have been at the receiving end of each point you mentioned.

Another thing I noticed people in toxic relationships refuse to do is to respect the other person. They make mountains out of molehills when mistakes are committed, but refuse to acknowledge something good done, or be part of their partner’s happiness. I tried to ‘save’ the girl I was in a relationship with, to make her see the good things in life. But all I got in return was ridicule and humiliation. I bordered on nervous breakdown for quite some time. Thankfully, she found someone ‘better’ and decided to dump me. In hindsight, that was the best thing that happened to me. It taught me that nothing comes before my self esteem.

Thank you for this amazing post. Many people out there need to know that it’s time to get out of toxic relationships. Off to share this.

I so agree on that point! The person can run all by his rules and then if he falters at his own “rules”, then he just shrugs them off. If I overstep the line by accident, I get the “but I told you so/ you didn’t listen/ don’t you ever listen’ line. If tried several time to get out of this relationship, but came back every time because he promised me the world! The “abusive cycle”! Now , after 21 years, I am leaving for Canada for a complete New job and life. At last, I started loving myself!

Wow! Spot on article and great timing. I have just ended a toxic relationship and reading your article only reinforces my decision that it really was the best move I made despite the inital tears and pain. Every point in your article I was saying yes to. Having now removed this toxic relationship from my life, I now feel I can breathe again and a massive burden has been lifted from my shoulders. Thanks for your support.

My partner of 30 years has a huge ego, it’s always been about him and how superior he is to me, an unimportant nobody. Over the last year I have started doing things for me, now I get the silent treatment and the non communication. It’s all my fault, I’m stressed, I’m having the mid life crisis etc. no, how about I’ve had enough of been last and it’s time to walk away, to let go so we can both be happy, to start looking after myself, but it’s so hard to do after all this time. There is deep resentment and bitterness and it will take a long time to forgive and heal, but it’s time to start on that journey before it’s too late

I am in a 42 year old relationship to an newly dry alcoholic-addict. Underneath the addiction mindset is an amazing person, but that person HAS to be willing to do the work to recover from the self centered, destructive, abusive behaviors and mindset. I have so much empathy and compassion for you. If your man can not or will not ‘recover’, you are absolutely dong the right thing. Take care of YOU. Support groups for families of those addicted (even if they are ‘only’ addicted to themselves) can be hugely helpful to help you in your recovery to take care of the only person you can control–yourself. Blessings and healing!

Great tips! I’m new to this site and wish I discovered it earlier. So much good information you have here!
Toxic relationships is something I’m familiar with (but wish I wasn’t). I’m currently in one with someone I thought was my friend. I give her the silent treatment but not because I wanna change her but ’cause I can’t stand the sight of her anymore.
I don’t wanna say anything to her and just cut her off completely because she behaved abusively towards me.
Relationships are not easy especially when you get to the phase of having to work out through the problems you both have (this applies to friendships, also).

They refuse to be accountable for their behaviors. We all want to hold others accountable, but in a relationship, our best role is in being accountable. Accountability will lead to consistency that will lead to safety.

I’m in a toxic marriage with a husband in denial about his alcoholism. It will be 10 years this year and I don’t see much more future together.
I’m so so sad, every day. My friend told me everyone has noticed how unhappy I appear, and there I was thinking I’d been putting on a brave face.
Never thought it would happen to me.

I was married to an alcoholic/drug addict for 13 years. Going to Al Anon (went for seven years) was my salvation. I met wonderful people there who were dealing with the same problem. The meeting format was hard for me to get used to, but after a while I began to see that it allowed people to be heard. I recommend it highly.

Now I am attending again because of my alcoholic adult son who is living with me (hopefully) temporarily. I’m thankful that there will always be a meeting somewhere, and that I can depend on the understanding of those who attend. It gives me hope and perspective.

I am so so sorry you are suffering. Take care of yourself first. Al Anon– group of family members and friends who have been deeply effected by another’s drinking, –can be hugely helpful in gently guiding you toward self care and your own recovery.

I certainly relate to your experience. My husband of 48 years, has slowly become an alcoholic, for years I wanted to deny this fact. There was always some other crisis going on in our stressful lives. He has no other coping skills, so he drinks. I go to Al Anon and I’m slowly learning to take care of my self. It is a hard place to find yourself, after such a long time. As I look back, hind sight is always better, I wonder how I didn’t see it before.

Great work Angel! To add to your list, I’ve been in relationships that have been all about competition. My ex and I once developed an environment of who’s right, who’s wrong. We had a relationship of who made the most money, who had the more expensive clothes, who was smarter. You want to talk about toxic! I wasn’t in a relationship with my soul mate. That relationship was more like competing with my rival. Add to that immaturity and it’s no wonder that relationship never had a chance.

I am in a healthy relationship with my husband but at times it does seem toxic. I seem to be giving more than I should instead of allowing my husband to be empowered to do things for himself. I have decided to stop doing little things for him since he is not appreciative any way. I stress myself out trying to do every thing for everyone when I need to practice self-care. It is often difficult to love him in spite of how he chooses to treat me. I am my own person regardless of how he behaves and I am responsible for my own happiness. I will no longer receive the attacks on my life and marriage and I refuse to take responsibility for my husbands behaviors.

“I seem to be giving more than I should instead of allowing my husband to be empowered to do things for himself.” — they call that ‘enabling’–you do so out of love but it does not first take care of the most important person in your life–you! Bravo for coming to the realization your personal self respect and health is paramount 🙂

No wonder my marriage feels hollow and hopeless most of the time. I personally struggle with 3 of these points and I see/feel at least 6 of these behaviors in my partner. Almost all of the points have been brought up and discussed extensively between us with a paid counselor, but the old patterns continue to persist, especially when an uncomfortable or difficult situation presents itself. What does it mean when a person acknowledges the harmful behavior, agrees to fix it and does pretty good for about two weeks, but as time goes on, slips back into old patterns? But always apologizes and says they didn’t mean to hurt you? This has been the cycle for 10+ years.

Thank you for this powerful post. So very much truth, so much of it so difficult to absorb and put into place in one’s own life. But the first step in healing is awareness there are better ways to get one’s needs met and to love oneself.

You two and this blog are such a wonderful force for good and healing. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Keep up the loving excellence!

Not wanting to compromise, in all aspects of a relationship. I’ve often changed a few things in my behavior (that didn’t alter or destroy my personality), so my partner was happy. The little things. Like doing something they like. Or not cleaning in exactly the way i want. But unfortunately I don’t always feel these gestures are given to me. In some cases we might agree on something explicitly, but then I’m the only one actually sticking to the arrangement, and they might express feeling like it’s such a big thing that they have to do things differently. Like they “are who they are”.
I think this has always bugged me the most. When we try to solve an issue and maybe find a compromise, but then I’m the only one who actually does something different.

My Son left his toxic partner 7 month’s ago thank goodness. How ever having young children them being left behind with Mum who has moved in her new Man is extremely difficult for us Grand parents too. We are all supporting each other and seeing the children twice a week.
Taking them home to an angry selfish person who deflects and demonstrates negative behaviours is a constant challenge. It’s early days reading this websight and tips is helping us at this vulnerable time. Looking at the longer term we simply need to ride the storm quietly and positivity.
After 8 years of abuse and toxic behaviours out son is realising he would never make her happy. He is now starting to love himself ad we have always done.

I was an enabler for years and didn’t realize it. After over 30 years of marriage I now realize he’s narcissistic and has been using “gas lighting” to try and make me feel inferior. However I’ve always been grounded and know I’m a good person and smart, not a brainiac but certainly not a stupid idiot or an Alzheimer’s patient as he’d like me to believe.

It’s befuddling that I’m still around trying to find the good in him when clearly he does what he wants when he wants to and with whom he wants and clearly states he’s has to make himself happy. I get the “make yourself happy” part. What I don’t get is why he’s still comes home and why I’m still there taking it.

My story is so long and involved that it seems impossible to convey in this post without boring everyone. The bottom line is I feel that he’s worn me down enough that I’m ready to walk before losing myself completely. With no affection for years and starving for someone to put their arms around me and engage in a conversation and laugh, play, and share our thoughts good and bad I know it’s time to say goodbye. Letting go of a lifetime together with so much great history is most challenging. I believe I’ve been hanging on trying to help him cope because I feel he’s ill as do our children and those around him don’t understand him anymore. Everything about him is different. Maybe it’s a mid life crisis but such extreme behavior it’s shocking.

One can only wait so long for another to recover, especially when they feel they are perfectly sane. Unless of course they’ve pretended to be someone else all these years. Anything is possible.

I feel stronger and know I will be ok alone on my own now. I just never imagined being in this place at this time in my life.

Your posts have been eye opening and spot on many times. It’s comforting to know I’m not alone. There’s strength in numbers yet I feel for everyone else that is in my place too. I haven’t thrown in the towel yet clinging that there will be some miraculous change in behavior but I know I’m just keeping myself. The writing is on the wall. I’m almost there….I guess I still need to be stronger. I wonder what that will take?

Ann, 17 years ago, I agreed to go out with a man who appeared to be fundamentally just a nice guy. Two months later, I’m convinced I’ve found the kind of man I had come to believe didn’t exist. He seemed to know my needs and wants even before I did, thoughtful, considerate, generous. When I teased him about being a mind reader, his response was that it was because of the profound connection we shared, a gift straight from God only a few people will ever receive. He said this with such intensity and a sense of awe, it was almost like a religious experience and I still remember it with clarity.

Fast forward a few months and this connection he spoke of is starting to suffer intermittent disconnects. People around me, including a couple of his more recent friends, are trying to point out things that just aren’t adding up. It took awhile, but I started to see it myself. At first, when I questioned him, he patiently explained it all. No matter the scenario, he always had a complete explanation. TOO complete, too smooth. But I didn’t see that at first. Nor did I see how he acted like he was explaining to a child.

A year later, he refuses to answer my questions, vanishes for days at a time, can’t keep a job and helps himself to money I’ve earned. Please, he begs, don’t give up on him. It’s just a bad time. And I don’t because I love him.

My life is a series of one chaotic incident after another and he’s always the center of it all. In between those, he ignores my existence more and more. The woman he lived to serve is now as important as last night’s leftovers to him. There are clear patterns emerging: nothing is his fault, he’s the victim of an unfair world and he ALWAYS gets what he wants. When I don’t give in, he begins calling my family members, telling them I’ve grown into a cold, unfeeling person.He loves me so much, he tells them. He doesn’t know what to do. I sit and watch as he literally turns on the tears like one does a faucet. By the end of the phone call, he’s been showered with attention and is promised more money to get over this rough spot. What he does NOT tell them about is the lies, the rages that are escalating, the thousands he’s now stolen, the many different women I now know about.

Around and around it went. He had an uncanny ability to know when I was close to a limit. Suddenly, he would start behaving like the man I first met, the one I fell for. He’s never lacked charm, could light up a room. Once again, it was over the top fun. He could get a chuckle out of a coma victim.
And the self-recriminations would come: He knows he’s a bad person, why would I stay with him? He doesn’t deserve someone like me. And on and on… he knew the things I was passionate about and he played them all. He did it so well, I fell for it. Repeatedly. For awhile, it would all be good. But just for awhile.

One day, I meet an older aunt of his. Alone, we start to talk and she asks me exactly how things are between he and I. Something in her face tells me she’s got a reason for this. And so I tell her. And that’s when I learn he’s a diagnosed narcissist and that my experiences with him are just another chapter in a big book. I also learn he has a rap sheet. Click, I hear in my head as the pieces start to fit together.

But I don’t leave. Not yet. At first, I try to help him, thinking I can change this. I think that love must still be there somewhere after all. . And after depending on him for so long, I’m scared. Several months later, I’ve read all I can find, talked to others who’ve been where I am. I tried to change things, help him. I suggest various things. He laughs and calls me stupid. Narcissists don’t change, except to worsen with age. They’ve got data proving this, but I’ve got the scars. . I now realize there was never any real love there to begin with. He was just playing house. It was an act, designed to draw me in, make me think I was love and admired,, while he went about doing what he wanted, taking what he felt entitled to. And he did this from the start. He morphed himself into a person that can never exist. I fell in love with an illusion and it’s a crushing realization. Was any of it really real?

I know how it feels to be in a place where it’s just plain bad and yet, not feel like you can leave. I’ll share with you what I learned. There is never going to be perfect time to do this. The pieces will never fall into place all on their own. That uncanny ability they have to know when you’re ready to bolt? It goes into overdrive at this point and they go to extremes. Wicked ones. Why? Because nothing threatens their status like a person who just discovered their own mind. They just lost control. It’s like someone peed in their cheerios. Go ahead. Pee in his cheerios.

Ignore it all, keep your focus on your goal; a life you get to design. You can do it. You’re stronger than you think. Only strong people survive what you’ve lived through and you ARE a survivor.
It’s been 6 years since I walked out in the middle of the night. I left it all. All I took was my purse and checkbook, my financial portfolio and my car. I hadn’t planned this. It was a situation I’d been in hundreds of times. He had lied and stolen from me, I had proof which he responded to with anger, always escalating. It was like someone flipped a switch. In a flash, I got it. Right now, this is what it all is and always will be. I picked up the items above, grabbed my keys and walked out, in silence.

Shortly before, I had notified my banks he was restricted from all accounts. He was restricted from my car as well via my insurance company. I warned him of legal consequences, like he’s had before. It worked. I protected what was mine. But I realize now I was also preparing for what was to come without admitting to myself directly that this was all just done.

He assumed I would go back; after all, he was the one who crushed my self-esteem. And had those fears kicked in strong enough, who knows? BUT, I had an unparalleled experience that I still look back on with awe. At first, I drove around aimlessly, telling myself that yeah, that just happened. I really just did that and I’m shocked. I pull into an all night restaurant with coffee in mind. I turn off the engine and sit for a minute. And then I realize….I’M FREE. Relief sweeps through me and I feel like I’m breathing for the first time in forever because I am. Those toxic fumes are gone. Every inch of me knows I’m never going back, no matter what lies ahead. I wanted to get out and dance. It was like the dam broke. The possibilities are endless. I have ideas and I want to think out every one of them. I can’t remember the last time I got excited about the future. What I had was hope. Finally.

I’m a strong woman, a tenacious one too. I refused to give up on he and I. And sometimes that’s good. But thinking I could rewire a narcissist somehow when the best of the best have proven it’s impossible? I needed a reset on my logic button. I got it. Finally. Giving up or quitting were never options here. There’s only ever been one. Walk away.

There are people who live their entire lives like this, with complete disregard for everyone else. And they don’t lose a wink of sleep. I had no idea they existed until I met him. The damage they do is indescribable. And yes, it’s hard to repair anything when they don’t think anything’s broken. That’s what makes them so toxic.

While I fully understand this, all those family members he cried to were the people he used to attempt to pull me back in. Some are still convinced I’m the unstable one.He created a whole new persona of me, an ugly one. (Yes, their powers of persuasion are just that good) And I tell you this because you may get pressure from the most unexpected places. I learned these people are just as toxic. I had one sibling call me a quitter and she was immediately removed. If you find yourself constantly defending your choices, it’s time to stop that. Survivors of narcissism have already spent far too much time explaining themselves when others wouldn’t even consider it.

I lost 10 years of my life, my self-esteem, my confidence, precious relationships, faith, property, thousands upon thousands of dollars, irreplaceable jewelry and much more. He tried to engage me in a battle over what I left behind the night I left. I refused to go there. I left it all where it was with a smile. I had enough to start over if I kept it simple and I was free. It was all I needed.

I had this vague idea that life would be better. It wasn’t until I actually restarted my life that I saw what that could mean. I am far happier than I’ve ever been, than I thought I could be. I’m not the same person who walked out that night. I’m me again, only new and revised. 🙂 Life is full, I have good friends, my kids, a date now and then and a never ending list of new things to try. I’m very careful who I let into my circle. I know the red flags to look for and I keep my eyes open. While it was always the bigger the better with him, my life is full of the tiniest things that bring me contentment. I keep things uncomplicated. I wanted you to know the many possibilities to be had should you choose to walk away.

I know this is extremely long, but I wanted to share my story to let you know you’re not alone and yes, you can do this. You’re already a survivor. 🙂 Take care

I have discovered that sometimes both people in a relationship feel abused and that abuse sometimes happens unintentionally and unwittingly, without anyone but the offended party knowing that abuse has been done.

For perhaps the first time in my life, I felt that someone described me and my interactions or feelings accurately: when I read the book, How We Love.

We are all faulty but this book describes how some faulty types match up with greater or lesser likelihoods of one or another feeling abused. It also provides advice for minimizing the effects of one’s own and of one’s partner’s faulty styles.

I’m glad for your work and for that book. Please keep your work coming.

Helpful article, I would love to see a “mirror” image of it posted, reworded all to the positive, 20 things people do that keep relationships from being toxic, 1. they make time, 2. they uphold the truth etc. with discussion/examples tailored that way…:-)

Life is too short to be in a toxic relationship. My ex was one of the most selfish people I have ever had the displeasure of knowing. His pet phrase was “It’s all about me”. He never asked me how I was or how I was doing. He was always right. I didn’t even feature on his list of people that mattered. On the day we split he was banging on about how hard his life was, and how depressed he felt. I had just heard that a dear friend of mine had just been diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer. It didn’t even register with him. I quit that toxicity there and then and have never looked back.
Thank you for highlighting the behaviours – I ‘m sure that this will help others in moving forward and valuing themselves over a toxic partner.

The post is definitely a spot on article about toxic relationships and how to move on and take something positive from that toxic relationship. Throughout my life experiences, as time moved on and as I grew, it was highly important for me to take a look at what positive results may have arrived from that toxic relationship. We can all learn from bad experiences, provided one is willing to hold one’s head up and do a quick self analysis of the toxic situation, without dwelling too hard on the negative of what went wrong. Realize that that toxic situation may have happened to help us grow a bit and move on to the next level in our lives in a more positive manner. If one can measure the toxic situation from that standpoint, it can enable you to go forward a bit faster.

There is so much wisdom and truth to be found in your articles – I love it. Every time I read one I am drawn to share the wisdom with my friends.

I have the interesting situation where I have “re-met” my soulmate. We were together for 2 years, but it was toxic. Both of us were afraid to communicate properly. Problems grew and festered and became insurmountable. And I asked him to leave.

During the 3 months apart we both grew, and learned lessons that we needed to, and we decided to give it another chance.

6 months later and it’s a completely different story. We are open and honest and put each other first. I’ve truly “re-met” my best friend, and it’s wonderful ♥