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I would consider myself sex positive. I have been talking with men who seem to be very interested in having sex with me. I don't understand why as soon as I imply that I would be interested in having sex with them, they get turned off or become unavailable. Do they all like the chase better than the act? Are they scared of a woman who wants sex? I don't have time to play games. I'm sure these are random/generalized question but I'm seriously confused. Am I supposed to pretend that I am "hard to get" or play coy? I guess if that is what it takes to not scare anyone away... Am I asking the wrong questions?

Well usually women put up barriers and make it difficult to get to that level of intimacy quickly. When a woman is interested in sleeping with me immediately after I meet her, I am (1) flattered (2) terrified that she may do this with a lot of men, rather than just me, and therefore I'd be putting myself at greater risk of STI.

No, I'm not interested in sleeping with someone as soon as I meet them. Because I'm worried about people who don't exercise enough judgement to wait and get to know someone first. That's the whole point. Sex positive doesn't mean taking foolish risks.

As a man, you have to express interest. A lot of women are so used to sexual pressure from men that they cannot fathom a guy being interested in them if he's not making off-color remarks.

So all these "nice guys" are left sexually frustrated and wondering why the hot ones all date "jerks", but the "jerks" don't give a shit so they have no problem making sexual advances towards women. Hence, if you want to get laid, you've got to express sexual interest, even if you don't want to have sex with someone right away.

I don't think that this state of things is a positive thing, but it's the world we have to deal with.

There is such a huge amount of pressure for dudes to be into casual sex. To say "an attractive girl hit on me, and I didn't have sex with them" is actually really really awkward, and will generally lead to being chastised.

But what if dudes aren't actually into casual sex? what if they're really into meaningful relationships, but hide this vulnerability through the bravado of casual sex rhetoric?

I postulate that this could explain a situation of men having casual sex, but only with people they could imagine being in a long term relationship with.

Bottom line: Those dues were being immature, hopefully you just picked a bad sample of the population.

the question you really should ask at this point is, given their reaction, do you still want to have sex with them?

I'm sex positive. and for some people I'm sure they assume that's the main reason I talk to them (to get sex), I have gone through people who do what you are experiencing and honestly it's such a turn off i cannot count it as a loss.

There's a couple of possibilities you should consider (male here). First and foremost, the possibility that your prospective partner might consider your offer as only sex, but not more. You have to realize that while sexual desire is strong, the primary motivator for men to date is loneliness. A companion of an intimate sort is the ultimate dream of most guys.

The second possibility is that yes, they might be turned off by you skipping several steps and proposing sex before they're ready. In fact, the easiest way to get sex might be to simply allow them to lure you into potentially intimate situations - watching a movie together alone, or hanging out in the evening. Flirting is an important part of a guy's comfort zone, where he'll intimate something naughty, and you respond with willing innuendo or encouragement.

Another thing to consider is something that almost all women are susceptible to - going after the hottest guys. Some guys are simply fortunate and get more female attention than they know what to do with. They won't see your offer as the wonderful opportunity it is - instead, they would be turned off by it. They deal with such opportunities on a daily basis, and it becomes as tiresome to them as it might be to an extremely attractive woman who has to fend off guys.

Also I noticed that you mentioned "talking to" guys and intimating that you'd be interested in sex with them... sight unseen? Making the decision to have sex before actually meeting someone is extremely unusual and would probably raise red flags even for me (and believe me, I'm a sex positive guy. Sex is rare enough for me that I would certainly take you up on your offer - I just don't get out much ha).

So a personal meeting is customary before any proposition for intimacy. There might be ways around this, but it's something that would need some brainstorming.

These are men that I know. They actually have approached me first. They initiated the dirty talk. They have sent me a pic of their penis. One has even had a make out session with me. Neither is looking for a gf. I explained to them I wasn't available as I wasn't quite single yet. As soon as I told them I would be single soon...dead air.

Maybe this is some kind of bro-thing, where they feel they're doing some bro wrong by enabling someone's GF to cheat on the side? The anti-cheating thing is pretty strong in the general populace. You might consider not mentioning your relationship status at all and instead just present yourself as looking for sex but not interested in a deep relationship at this time.

I'm fine with doing fun things with a woman in a relationship because I believe that each individual is sovereign and can make their own choices. As an outside party, your relationship status is not my concern. But there is a strong streak of... patriarchialism, I guess? in the male dating populace where they believe that a woman's fidelity to her man is something that the entire society should enforce. Which is just fucking ludicrous, of course, but the attitude is there apparently.

Yeah, they all knew I was married when they approached me. They didn't know we were planning on splitting anyway. So once I told them I would be available soon and we could meet up... they got scared I guess. They probably just wanted a quick dirty romp, which I didn't oblige. I would rather wait until the actual separation. Ya know?

But there is a strong streak of... patriarchialism, I guess? in the male dating populace where they believe that a woman's fidelity to her man is something that the entire society should enforce. Which is just fucking ludicrous, of course, but the attitude is there apparently.

if the attitude is there i think it is breaking down, the idea of "mrs. robinson" and "milf" types are evidence that married women are being lusted after more often. i had an affair with a married woman for a few months who was "getting separated" and have hooked up with women i knew had boyfriends so i can say from experience that as a guy i don't really care if a women chooses to cheat, that's completely at her discretion. anyway i think with your situation the problem is twofold:
1. you're having your cake and eating it too. like women, guys don't want to feel like we're on your hook (so to speak) without at least getting something out of it to make it worth our while. you're kind of asking them to be your something-on-the-side without actually giving them anything, not usually a position anyone wants to be in.
2. while i respect your not wanting to be a cheater and to wait until the separation is finalized you've got to realize that if you're not going to be emotionally or sexually available you're just putting someone on hold.

Are they scared of a woman who wants sex? I don't have time to play games.
not trying to be critical but you could see how this comes off like you're playing games. guys are usually well aware that getting involved with a married woman incurs some measure of drama, which we may or may not be willing to put up with if there's sex to be had, but given that there isn't you could see why they aren't willing to take the risk.

i'm not going to say "fuck it, start cheating if you're going to separate anyway" but i AM going to say be consistent: don't come at a guy saying you want sex but then say make yourself unavailable (it gives the impression you're having second thoughts about the separation, and that's a bunch of baggage no one wants to carry).

the question comes to mind: why are you so fixated on having someone lined up to have sex with after you separate with your husband? if you have no problem finding guys who want to have sex with you then why put them off by coming at them right now that you aren't willing to put out rather than waiting until you are? it just seems like you're just setting yourself up for failure in going about it this way.

why are you so fixated on having someone lined up to have sex with after you separate with your husband?

Yeah, I wasn't trying to have someone lined up. They have all approached me, out of the blue. I have been available to talk, flirt, chat, but it just seems better to be separated before anything else happens. Maybe they are just respecting that I said, give me two weeks or whatever.

if you have no problem finding guys who want to have sex with you then why put them off by coming at them right now that you aren't willing to put out rather than waiting until you are? it just seems like you're just setting yourself up for failure in going about it this way.

I'm not so sure that I will have no problem as people are flaky and I'm not just wanting to sleep around. Obviously "just putting out" can be a turn off and I will be left feeling, IDK, loney and used.

perhaps i misread you or you misrepresented your position (somehow i got the impression you were just looking for sex)? if it's not just sex you're looking for then you are probably best off just going about it like any other dating relationship; if you find someone who you like and vice-versa sex will inevitably happen, and it wont scare them away if you let them know you want it. anyway good luck, hope things work out for you :)

I think I am more interested in friends with benefits. I'm not sure exactly what I want I guess. All I know is now the husband is gone and all my courtiers are absent. Now I don't want to look desperate. I'm sure a married woman is much more attractive than a divorcee so to speak.

A lot of guys turn into emotional children when confronted with a strong, liberated woman. They just don't know what to do; it doesn't fit into the role playing they learned in our patriarchal society.

What I do, as a guy with women, is first make the determination of how emotionally evolved and liberated the person is, and from those cues I'm able to determine how I should act in return. People roleplay in our society in their interactions, and once you understand the role they're playing, their social language so to speak, you're able to understand what role and language you need to speak back. With evolved people you can drop a lot of this, especially the traditional patriarchal roles, as well as the usual courting rituals, but with people who aren't comfortable communicating in such an open way, you must play the roles.

So with these guys you're having trouble with, they may still have a patriarchal mindset, the understanding of themselves, as a person, is within a context of patriarchy, social status, and gender roles. If you step outside that you confuse them. So play your role as a woman in a patriarchal society, allow them a little chase to get their blood flowing, be flirty and touchy, but keep them chasing after you to build their desire. At the same time make them feel special, that you want them over other men. Let them have their male ego; acting out their role makes them feel powerful and desired as a traditional man, which is an important part of their courtship ritual. Their courtship ritual is just as important in building their own desire as it is securing the interest of a woman. If you disrupt that, you've gone off script and they don't know what to do.

For the rest of us, be forward as you are; we love it. Nothing is hotter than an empowered woman. Nothing.

As a former Christian, I struggle against a couple of decades of sex-negative programming. Intellectually, I know that I was used and abused for religious propagation. However, emotionally, I have to fight to get over innuendo, guilt, hasty judgement, etc.

Ideas like these still pop into my thinking patterns, even as I intellectually reject them: Sex-positive women are sluts. Men who don't have sex frequently are pathetic. Young people shouldn't be sexually active. Men should always approach women, never vice-versa. Sex is often about a man defiling a woman's body and revoking her dignity. Having sex will make me feel dirty and worthless. And others...

I often get jealous, angry, or simply recoil when I observe sex-positive behavior. I get turned off by female interest the same way I always have. I get turned on by pure fantasy the same way I always have. The idea of a stranger converting into a sexual encounter terrifies me and I tend to do whatever it takes to avoid the possibility, just like I always have. Before it was for purity's sake, for God's sake, for Heaven's sake. But now, it's my comfort zone, my instinctive reaction, my old habit.

At this point, I know what women want and I know what they need and I can even deliver on most of those things up to a point, but something about just the possibility of sex creeps me out. I don't mean in my head... fantasies are great! But fantasies becoming realities really make my heart race in a bad way.

One big caveat: I'm now engaged to be married. This means my old training is marginally convenient for avoiding potential cheating situations. It's easy to stay in my old comfort zone when it benefits my relationship. I fear, though, that I may be weaker than other men if my natural (or unnatural) defenses were somehow bypassed. I also believe that if we were to ever officially separate, I could be nearly inept at getting sexual with other women.

My gist is this: It's possible that some of these men you're meeting would like to have sex positive responses and would like to be physically intimate with you, but simply cannot due to their negative sexual programming from their parents and larger community.