The year was 1692. About 20 miles north of Boston.

A reverend's two daughters started acting like a couple of dipshits. Then another little girl started doing the same thing. A local doctor couldn't diagnose the girls and, to save face, blamed the supernatural for their odd behavior. The reverend's slave (yes, Boston has a history of slavery) trolled the local magistrate, saying that the Devil was making moves on her. She and two other innocent women were arrested. And so it began that the idiots in Boston (the ancestors of the city's current residents) and surrounding suburbs started accusing random innocent women of being witches.

Subscribe to Puck Drunk Love

Woman after woman was accused of witchcraft and hung at the now infamous Gallows Hill. They were even allowing testimony involving dreams and visions to be admissible in court. There were 20 murders overall, with one innocent man being pressed to death with stones. Jesus. The killings finally stopped when the local judge's wife was accused of being a witch. He heard that shit and decided to stop all the arrests and trials for witchcraft, because he couldn't beat her if she was in jail or dead.

Then came the early 1960s…

The Boston residents hadn't gone on an offensive against their female residents for almost 300 years, which is a pretty long time for Boston, so they were due. Over the course of 19 months, 13 innocent women were raped and murdered in their apartments. It was thought that there was only man responsible for the rapes and murders, and his name was Albert DeSalvo. As time has gone on and smarter experts from outside of Boston started looking at the evidence, it's become clear that the murders and rapes were not the doings of one man; there were multiple Boston men raping and murdering innocent women.

WELP…

Boston residents like to play grab-ass with one another about the Boston Tea Party, but nobody outside of Boston even cares about it. They expose themselves to the Paul Revere statue, the guy who ran away from danger as fast as his horse could take him. They want to talk about Fenway Park, which is an embarrassing dump that's been falling apart for like 50 years. They want to talk about Bobby Orr, who retired because he couldn't stand them. They want to talk about steroids-aided Red Sox World Series championships. They want to talk about the Super Bowls the Patriots won before they were caught cheating. They want to talk about Matt Damon.

But it's all a smokeshow to divert your attention away from the two worst crimes ever perpetrated in Greater Boston: the Salem Witch Trials and the Boston Strangler murders.