Astroclimatologists meeting in Helsinki have proposed a new, combined strategy for addressing the seemingly unrelated issues of global warming and so-called killer asteroids. "We are just going to ignore the asteroids and hope that one of the big ones slams into Siberia," explains Aleksei Flavitsky, leader of the Russian delegation. "The whole idea of trying to change the path of a significantly large asteroid is not only technically unfeasible, it is counterproductive."

Asked to explain, Flavitsky continued, "We are currently experiencing a period of global warming compounded by a refusal of those in power to do anything about. Some of them honestly do not believe the planet is getting warmer, but even those who understand the problem are refusing to do anything. They say is is bad for business. If we can get an asteroid to hit Earth -- a really big one, or possibly a small comet -- we suddenly get gigatonnes of debris into the atmosphere. Less sunlight hits the ground and everything cools down for a few years." Analysts suggest that Flavitsky's hope that such an impact will occur in Siberia has less to do with a dislike for Siberia than it does for an interest in mining the rare metals that may come with an asteroid.

"I don't much care the for effect this will have on living organisms," interjects British scientist Oliver Skipsey, "but I must agree, it will cool things down a bit. It may, perhaps, lead to unprecedented mortality, especially in urban areas, but there will be pockets of humanity that will survive."

"My greatest fear," Skipsey admits, "is that we'll be left with a world consisting primarily of small rodents and preppers."