<p>The former leader of the <em>Fundamentalist</em> Mormons just got convicted to life in prison for child sex abuse -- and a bunch of it. He had&nbsp;about 12&nbsp;wives, some as young as 14 (illegally married in Mexico). He was on the FBI's most wanted list for a long time before they&nbsp;captured him several years ago.</p>
<p>The <em>mainstream</em> Mormons outlawed polygamy (multiple wives) more than 100 years ago. Unlike other, even more conservative Christian groups, the still-slightly-nutty&nbsp;mainstream Mormons change with the times, so to speak. Bowing to external pressure, they officially began allowing black people to become full members in 1978. Mormon Jon Huntsman,&nbsp;former Utah governor and Ambassador to China, made Utah one of the first conservative states to recognize same-sex <em>civil partners</em> the same as married couples. He's actually a social moderate.</p>
<p>As for Warren Jeffs, the *extremist offshoot* Mormon leader, the most&nbsp;interesting part&nbsp;of the trial is the explicit nature of the evidence they had on him. They had audio tapes of&nbsp;encouraging group sex with underage girls, and committing so much really fucked up sexual abuse, I don't even want to repeat it here, so read the <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2011/CRIME/08/09/texas.polygamist.jeffs/index.html">CNN article yourself</a>. Seriously, I feel totally sick after reading that.</p>
<p>Anyway, that dude is going to prison forever, and I can't imagine it will be roses if they put him with general population. He's in Texas -- the regular Utah Mormons chased them away.&nbsp;This is why normal Mormons go NUTS if you identify them with the modern polygamists. They think this guy is a monster too. The Mormons got two guys in the Republican presidential race right now: Huntsman and Mitt Romney, both former state governors. Bill Clinton mentioned Huntsman if he had to choose from the GOP.</p>

Fundie Mormons ain't the only gross pervy cults in America. They're just the easiest to ridicule because the mainstream Protestants hate
all Mormons, and the mainstream Mormon Church of Latter Day Saints isn't as
SLAPP-happy as, say, the Church of Scientology. Whenever someone makes a joke about the Co$ or mentions L. Ron Hubbard, they'll file lawsuits they know they will never win, but it doesn't matter because you'll still be crushed by legal fees when you're
forced to lawyer up. That's why journalists don't report on Co$ bullshit.

Mormons, however, are fair game.

Children of God, or "The Family International" (TFI), is one of my personal favorite American cult organizations. They came out of the Jesus movement of the 1960s youth counterculture. Among the beliefs of these filthy hippies is an intimate yearning for
a close personal relationship with Jesus.

This is a term that TFI members use to describe their intimate, sexual relationship with
Jesus. TFI describes the "Loving Jesus" teachings as a radical form of
bridal theology. It is their understanding of the Bible that the followers of Christ are his bride, called to love and serve him with the fervor of a wife. They took bridal theology
further than mainstream Christians by encouraging members to imagine that Jesus is having sex with them during
sexual intercourse and
masturbation. Male members were encouraged to visualize themselves as women, in order to avoid a homosexual relationship with Jesus.

Oh. Hold on. Waitasec. My phone's ringing. Oh, nevermind. It was just an emissary of the Vatican telling me how to vote in the next election and reminding me that I cannot swear the pledge of allegiance.

To be fair, it's only the evangelical Catholics who really take the 'no condoms/contraceptives/abortion/family planning' nonsense seriously. The Vatican has always had problems reining in Catholics in the Americas. Consider liberation theology, syncreticism
(i.e. Santeria), and Mardi Gras. Catholicism in American history is actually quite liberal, if only because the WASPs in charge hated them so goddamned much. Too bad about having Emperor Palpatine for a Pope.

You're talking about Co$ "fair game" policy. Be a little more understanding. They're fighting to save your thetans from the evil space emperor Lord Xenu. The ends justify the means.

I was talking about evangelical Catholics. Regular old evangelical Protestants are bad enough, but evangelical Catholics are equally batshit crazy plus they've got a very old and very powerful organization backing them up.

Magic underpants can physically protect you? I thought they were for modesty.

I knew about the thing where Mormons get their own planets when they die, but I didn't know God lives on one called Kolob. I recognize Elohim as Hebrew, though. What happens when you say one of these names backwards?