Tag Archives: vanity fair

Heard any good jokes lately? No. No you haven’t. Because it has been twenty years-ish (?) since Peewee Herman got busted bustin’ in that porn theater, and I got busted … well you know. I am the last time a joke happened. That was me.
Well, now I am back, to tell my story for money, because I have not been able to get a job in all that time except for the one time I designed purses, which everyone laughed at, because I’m such a big joke. I have been a global punchline since I was 22 years old probably, not sure, would have to look it up. I have been unemployable, undateable, and about 15 years early for the crusade against slut-shaming. That would have been nice.
Am I sorry that my sluttiness occurred on someone else’s husband’s dick? I assume so, probably, sure! But you just try to tell me you wouldn’t have been all up in the Big Dog’s crotch, and I will call you a liar to your face. It was exciting! He’s a charismatic fellow! And you have been jizzed on by so much worse. Read more on It Is Time For Us All To Stop Making Fun Of Monica Lewinsky, By Monica Lewinsky…

Oh hey there, hipsters, whatcha doin’? Drinking your artisanal organic kale lattes in your too-skinny jeans, cutting your hair into a mullet of irony, LOLing at some listicle of 37 People On The Internet Who Are On The Internet, and thinking George Dubya Bush is, like, cool? Some lady writer at Vanity Fair (who, ahem, used to be a lady writer at this, Yr Wonkette, so we are especially disappointed and are holding a meeting this very moment to decide whether to revoke her Wonk credentials) thinks so.
Lately, George W. Bush is a hipster icon, and the Internet, unofficial Fourth Estate of the youth of America, is totally buying it. […]
In Bush’s case, this transformation has been all the easier because the arbiters of Internet cool were tween in 2007 and are far more likely to have read a Buzzfeed listicle about Bush’s dog paintings than they are to have read, say, the John Yoo torture memos. But even those old enough to remember hating Bush are wise enough to recognize that they are no longer the deciders (as it were) of what’s hip.
Okay, arbiters of Internet cool, if this is what you really think — and Christ, we hope not, we hope this is just one journolady writing a thing on a slow news week — we have one word for you: CUTTHATSHITOUTRIGHTNOWGODDAMNIT! Read more on No, You Dumbass Hipster Dumbasses, George W. Bush Should Not Be Your New Hipster Icon…

When we were in high school we had a friend who claimed his family was really tight with Morgan Freeman’s, and he’d tell us all kinds of hilarious stories about the good times he’d had, just hanging out with Morgan Freeman and having all kinds of deep talks wherein Morgan would generously give him sage advice on how to handle the various challenges in his life. Except THEN it turned out that he had been lying the whole time and he was super embarrassed. See, this is why our friend from high school is a better person than Mitt Romney, who tells similarly ridiculous lies all the time and then doesn’t even pretend to be embarrassed. Like how he’s been running around saying that he was really good friends with Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyatu. But then Vanity Fair ASKED Binyamin Netanyahu about his good friend Mittens, and Bibi was all like “who? Oh THAT guy.”
Read more on Mitt Romney Lies About His BFF Bibi…

(Zurich) The train to DeGaulle Airport was so hot that the wine I drank the night before poured out of me like water from the Fontaine Saint-Michel. My shirt was soaked and my deodorant was failing, and soon I would be seated inches from another passenger on an hour-long Swiss Air flight to Zurich. I bought a bottle of cologne shaped like the Eiffel Tower from the duty free shop and doused my armpits in the men’s room. Everything was okay at first but soon my eyes began to water and I realized that I smelled like a walking urinal deodorizer.
My European journey began as an attempt to get to the bottom of the festering debt crisis, but now I was
taking a detour to Switzerland––hardly even considered a PART of Europe––to embark on an investigation of a purely domestic nature. I was on the trail of Mitt Romney’s money. Read more on Around The World With Lloyd Dangle: On The Trail Of Mitt’s Money…

It is going to take weeks to unpack all of this New Yorker-length Vanity Fair article “Portrait Of Obama As A Pretentious Young Man,” but we at Your Wonkette know your carnal and emotional needs, and that is to have regular updates on this, the greatest magazine journalism of its generation. Up now!
Read more on Important Vanity Fair Barack Obama Nerd Love Update: Young Obama Wore Brut…

Vanity Fair is out with the megahot megastory of the day: Barack Obama had girlfriends when he was a young man in New York City. Figures. And writer David Maraniss even contacted some of these ladies and got them to hand over the ol’ love letters and journals. (This was in the Ancient Times, before people showed their love by clicking buttons on computers.) It’s predictable Obama musings — wah wah I am conflicted between different things wah wah, and also I know a lot about poets and stuff, wah. Read more on Tales Of Youthful Barack Obama Nerd Love…

What better occasion than the nation’s first caucus/primary thing of 2012 to remember that Americans are mouth-breathing idiots. The new Vanity Fair/CBS survey of U.S. dumbness has been released, and it proves that two-thirds of this nation’s adults have no idea that the population of the USA is approximately 300 million people. You didn’t even need to be correct, just approximate! You could round off the entire population of New York City, or the whole L.A. metropolitan area, and still be “close enough” for the Vanity Fair pollsters. Anyway, 28% of Americans apparently believe there are a billion of us, while 23% believe there are 500 million of us, and 5% live under the happy delusion that there are only 100 million awful Americans on the planet. Read more on 66% of Americans Cannot Even Guess Approximate Population of USA…

Our favorite drink-soaked former Trotskyist popinjay passed away today after a well-publicized bout with esophageal cancer. Christopher Hitchens was 62 years old, which is kind of remarkable when you think about it. We will miss his haughty wit and clever writing as much as we’ll miss saying what a hopeless dupe he was, again and again, and especially after 9/11. But he was sincere about his convictions, which made him a complete rarity in Washington D.C. And in a town full of dullard “media professionals” who are mouth-breathing cretins, Hitchens got away with quite a lot simply because he was smart and charming.
Read more on Farewell, Hitch…

The new Vanity Fair/60 Minutes/Dadaist survey is out! What random assortment of inanities will the American People opine on, this time? They would like to vote for Obama over George W. Bush, for one, and they also would like to replace the National Animal, the Bald Eagle, with maybe a Grizzly Bear or a catfish. Things are looking up!
Read more on Americans Ready To Swap 1% Bald Eagle For … Grizzly Bear?…

America’s elected officials range from rat-eyed sheriff bullies who mercilessly persecute the various racial minorities to the president, who constantly murders people all over the world and shovels billions of dollars to Wall Street. And yet, a new survey proves that 62% of Americans “say their past would preclude them from running for public office.” Is the entire country made up of necrophiliac pedophiles? No, just 62%. But how do they feel about mail delivery, book readin’, William Henry Harrison, free wi-fi at the coffee shop and the preponderance of Neanderthal genes in modern humans? Thanks to the monthly inane treasure known as the Vanity Fair/CBS News survey of people dumb enough to answer the phone at dinnertime, we now have the answers to these important societal questions. Read more on 62% of Americans Morally Unfit For Amoral U.S. Politics…

It’s time for the greatest scientific barometer of America’s intellect, the Vanity Fair/CBS News poll of dingbat potpourri questions thrown at a representative sample of Americans who haven’t had their phone lines turned off by Verizon yet. What did our pollsters ask this time? To be weird, instead of asking a series of completely random questions, they focused on “Things Republicans Don’t Know.” For example, you’d think Republicans might know what “GOP” stands for, as they’ve all got those “GOProud” stickers on their repo’d Ford Expeditions. But they have no idea, and most probably pronounce it as a monosyllabic grunt, to ask for another microwaved styrofoam plate of CostCo “rib-meat bitelets.” This may be the best survey of America yet! Read more on Half of Republicans Don’t Know What ‘G.O.P.’ Means…

Vulgar idiot Donald Trump was born into a multi-million-dollar fortune and still went bankrupt, repeatedly, because he’s so dumb he can’t figure out how to make money off casinos and New York real estate. Is he actually retarded? No, he just talks that way! Donald Trump is actually a respected editor and American literary icon — remember his hilarious satirical novel, The Art of the Deal? If there’s anything funnier than a born-rich tool repeatedly going bankrupt because he’s so stupid, it’s actually titling the book TRUMP: The Art of the Deal. Anyway, now he’s just another half-senile racist jabbering to one of his Czech prostitutes or Fox News about how that shiftless Obama got himself born in Hawaii somehow just so he could collect welfare like the rest of the coloreds. Also, Donald Trump is not impressed with former Wonkette editor Juli Weiner. Read more on American Literary Icon Donald Trump Not Impressed With Juli Weiner…

Warnings of impending class revolt in America are showing up in the weirdest places these days — like Vanity Fair magazine, which just published this terse summary of the situation by Joseph E. Stiglitz. And Stiglitz isn’t talking about, say, the “Ron Paul Revolution,” where some deluded people send money to a wealthy libertarian congressman in Texas. Although that was lots of fun, what with the blimp and the hobbit videos and the web-children in some of the nation’s lesser known publicly funded universities making YouTube videos while wearing tricorns. Read more on Richest 1% Should Prepare For U.S. Revolution, Says … Vanity Fair…

The talent-pool demons at Vanity Fair stole away our Juli Weiner last year, and then they made her blog the same kind of stuff she blogged for Wonkette, but she had to work at the bottom of an elevator shaft beneath the Conde Nast cafeteria’s dumpster chute. It was terrible. Also, David Denby was always coming over from his “office at the New Yorker” (the neighboring garbage chute) to try to make her say bad things about Anthony Lane (never going to happen). Anyway, Juli’s in the print issue hitting newsstands this week!
Read more on Your Beloved Former Wonkette Editor Juli Weiner Is Now In Vanity Fair Magazine…

Look around. Do you see anyone who should be “proud of their life so far”? Of course not. The few people alive who could be proud of their lives are not proud people, so by definition those who claim to be proud of their lives should actually be deeply embarrassed and constantly ashamed of their shoddy, meaningless shuffle toward the assisted-care facility. What we mean, of course, is that the new dadaist poll of American Attitudes by CBS/Vanity Fair informs us that a whopping 92% of the people who take these polls are super proud of themselves, thus far. And why not?! They’re the dumbest humans in the industrialized world, they’re crippled by both debt and obesity, and they spend an average of 35 hours a week watching broadcast television and basic cable — leaving only 133 hours each week for watching Netflix and HBO and Showtime and Cinemax and updating their status (“eating something”) on Facebook and flipping through catalogs while sitting on the toilet and going through the drive-thru again for “fourthmeal” and opening up collection agency notices and reading about Charlie Sheen pooping on a hooker or whatever. Also: Americans don’t know what this “WikiLeaks” is all about. Did it get on Charlie Sheen’s hooker? Read more on Americans Have No Idea What ‘WikiLeaks’ Is, But Still Love Selves…

Once again, we are posting the results of a 60 Minutes/Vanity Fair poll, which sets up a bowl of suet and has Annie Leibovitz take a snapshot of the Americans around it while Andy Rooney complains about how we don’t use suet anymore. So what is the important lesson we have learned this time, besides what percentage of Americans knows what a quadrillion is? (Pay attention, Card Sharks contestants!) Why, it turns out, to balance the federal budget, most Americans say they would increase taxes on the wealthy as the “first step.” Don’t those ingrates know how much they owe the kind wealth-inheritors of this country? Though actually, the poll is flawed, as it makes Americans choose from things that would actually cut the deficit. Read more on Ungrateful Americans Want Congress To Tax Rich To Balance Budget…

The Weekly Standard pamphlet for common-sense Americans has obtained an EXCLUSIVE advanced copy of the paperback version of The Persecution of Sarah Palin by Matthew Continetti, who also just happens to be their personal property. The book, which tells the story of how the media wants Palin to cry all the time, has been endorsed by none other than the persecuted Palin herself. This means she is now at least two Biblical figures: Jesus, and “the new Esther.” But she might even be more than two, because she is many, many things. Read more on Sarah Palin Is Persecuted Jesus Plus Esther Plus Obama-Jesus…

A mysterious person called “Gina Loudon” who allegedly lies about everything also allegedly lied when she claimed to know the reporter who wrote the new Vanity Fair Sarah Palin story, which claims (for the first time, we’re sure!) that Sarah Palin is a paranoid fraud who savagely destroys anyone who crosses her. VF writer Michael Joseph Gross has a new article on the magazine’s website claiming this Gina Loudon just makes up stuff and then Ben Smith of the Politico just repeats it — and then, the zombie-slob army of Palin worshipers all say (in unison, on Facebook), “Librul lamestream media lies to kill Trig.” So what was actually untrue in this latest magazine article about how Palin is a monster? Read more on Vanity Fair’s Sarah Palin Story Is Totally True, Says Vanity Fair…
Read more on Vanity Fair’s Sarah Palin Story Is Totally True, Says Vanity Fair…

Trig Palin is a hot commodity, and when you say he’s at places he’s definitely not, you have to answer to Ben Smith! Ben Smith did not care for the Journalism in that Vanity Fair Sarah Palin piece, as we noted yesterday, but now he has done some digging and found out Trig wasn’t even at an event the piece said he was at. It turns out the Down Syndrome baby at that event was just some random Down Syndrome baby, and not Trig, who commands a hefty $100,000-a-pop speaking rate and won’t even step foot in Missouri and risk being compared to his political rival, Roy Blunt. Read more on Ben Smith Uncovers Vicious Smear Campaign Against Trig…

So yes, you know Vanity Fair has a long Sarah Palin profile in their October issue, and it has now gone up on the internets for the blogging and such, and it reveals things. Most importantly, of course, are the things about her underwear, so we had to get that to you right away. But there is a lot more in here: “anywhere you peel back the skin of Sarah Palin’s life, a sad and moldering strangeness lies beneath.” Yes, we basically knew that. But the banality of Piper’s evil dictatorship is not always banal, as there are plenty of fun nuggets of crazy in here. Oh, we will just tell you one: Sarah Palin probably doesn’t write those crazy tweets. THE INTERNET’S INNOCENCE IS RUINED! Read more on Long Sarah Palin Profile Long, Sarah Paliny…

Here’s how Lamestream Media magazine Vanity Fair describes the life of professional fraud and money-grubbing fame-beast Sarah Palin: “a sad and moldering strangeness lies beneath.” Gross! Also gross is Palin’s obsession with her “dirty undergarments,” which she presumably sells on Team SarahPAC to keep those checks from creepy old wingnut millionaires arriving in Wasilla. Let’s skip all the psychoanalysis — we sort of already knew she was a congenitally dishonest & delusional narcissistic paranoid creep — and get right to the part about her fouled underwear. Read more on Hands Off Sarah Palin’s Soiled Panties…