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Almost a year ago we got a Pug called Trevor.

We made an informed decision about the type of dog that our family could accommodate, bearing in mind that we were already a chaotic family of five.

We didn’t know much about dogs. We thought that a dog would be a welcome addition to our family.

I researched breeds and thought that something like a Cockerpoo would be ideal as they don’t moult and are good with children.

No fucker would listen to me.

The three little shits wanted a Pug. They wanted a Pug because Pugs are cute.

Pugs are cute but they are so many other things too.

We didn’t get a family dog. We got Trevor or as Ted called him “Chever”. Trevor isn’t our family pet, he’s my dog. He won’t leave my side. He won’t sit on anyone else’s knee.

I met a lady on the pier yesterday who had a Pug with her. After speaking to her, I conceded that at least I hadn’t got it as bad as her. She owned eleven other dogs and had four children. The Pug was sat on her knee. Apparently she couldn’t leave her Pug as he would howl for her. She’s managed to leave eleven other dogs in the care of someone else but not the Pug. She told me that she couldn’t even go in a shop without the dog howling for her.

Some things that you need to know about Pugs.

They are loyal = They are needy. They won’t let you have a slash or a shower in peace.

Pugs don’t need much exercise = Pugs will happily run around for hours with other dogs playing chase but they will then decide that they need carrying Home from the park.

Pugs moult a bit = you will have the fucking hoover out twice a day.

Pugs don’t like getting wet = they will happily piss in the house if it’s raining outside as they don’t want to get their paws wet. Conversely, they will happily paddle in the sea or a lake if it’s warm. Upon arrival home, they will dry themselves on your favourite cushions and sofa.

Pugs stink.

Pugs are greedy but for really weird things like cake and expensive biscuits. Trevor can smell an unopened packet of expensive biscuits even when he is asleep.

Pugs can lose their eyes in strange accidents.

Pugs shouldn’t wear a collar because of this.

Trevor has now taken to howling and barking at random things like cars, bins, most men, all manner of wildlife but mainly birds and squirrels.

Pugs cost a lot of money at the vets.

Pugs, despite their diminutive stature, have no fear of Rottweilers, Staffies, Alsatians etcetera. If a dog barks or snaps at them, it’s an invitation to play.

Pugs will eat very weird things like snails but never feed them a large amount of ham. A large amount of ham made poor Trevor feel quite unwell.