Thank you very much for the kind words and support! And yea looking over it again I do plan on posting a better-edited version within the next few days. I noticed I have a bad habit of swapping past tense and current tense...

nice story I asked a friend of mine who write's stories to check this and it did make him sick to know what it was he said the way it was is good, good spaces and lines and full stops where they need to be but he said that maybe changing a font letter like after 5 lines you put a full stop and kept on writing more with out a space.

He thinks it is best to put in where the cap T is as a new type of font so the reader can tell where the next line is if there is 5 lines without a full stop so far.

However for me I liked it a lot and think more needs to happen for this 8D

Forgive me but i'm a little confused by what your friend was recommending:

"maybe changing a font letter like after 5 lines you put a full stop and kept on writing more with out a space.

He thinks it is best to put in where the cap T is as a new type of font so the reader can tell where the next line is if there is 5 lines without a full stop so far."

I'm not sure what he/you mean by this. Do you mean to ensure I insert paragraph breaks when my paragraph blocks get too large? Do you mean I am actually physically missing spaces between words? Perhaps a quick example of what your saying? Please help! :>

I'm glad you enjoyed it! Thank you for the words of encouragement, and I think I might continue this plot thread for a little while :)

this is what he told me to say, In a paragraph if you only put so far 1 full stop you can start with the next one letter like say this one from your story I will place a () on what I mean.

"A group of co-workers, who he figured worked at that meta-human outfitters store have made a little bundle towards the front of the train, complaining about some Naga who had a stomach orgy in the bathroom and they needed to escort off the premises due to the noise complaints. (T)wo cute girls, seniors he suspected, discussed the latest fashion trend, open belly dresses."

when I say change the font I refer to changing the letter to be bigger or bold or stand out so people can tell where they are. Most people like me get confused with where they left off at when they read a big bit of text and would need a type of mark to know where they may of got to.

I have a lot of thoughts so this might be a bit muddled but I'll give it a go.

First let me say that it's not bad. I'm a total sucker for cutesy romance so the plot is right up my alley, not much to say about that. It's definitely in need of some editing but it seems you've realized that, so that's a plus. That being said I can read it without stopping every five seconds to look away and ask myself, "What did I just read?" so you clearly have a competent grasp of the English language. Almost a rare trait among writers nowadays, sadly.

All right, so we're off to a good start! On to the negatives. I'd say the main one is that the flow feels off here and there. It's hard for me to pinpoint exactly why I feel that way but I think the best way I can describe it is like this:

First there are a number of sentences that are awkwardly arranged and try to use commas to make it work. Sometimes it's because there's too much the sentence is trying to say and it just keeps going, other times the order of the words just needs to be moved around and some of the commas removed. The instance of this that sticks out to me the most is the line in the first paragraph about the minotaurs. "Looking at" and "Browsing" a smart phone are more or less the same thing so that could be shortened, and I feel the "looking around the subway" doesn't fit with the subject of the sentence. It could have been used as part of the next sentence in order to help further convey Lawrence's nervousness about his lurid thoughts, however.

Second, I feel you've got a lot of periods where there should just be commas, or sentences that end just fine but where the next starts it feels like there should be something between them. This is kind of easier shown than told, so:

"They ripped away from one another, and began to wildly take off their clothes, only taking short rapturous moments to feverously touch each others bodies. The heat of sexual excitement too much for them to bear. Within seconds, they were naked. Each taking a moment to peek at each others bodies."

The first comma is unnecessary but the rest of the sentence is fine. Then the next sentence starts off well enough (though I think "feverously" should be "feverishly") but when I hit "excitement too much" my rhythm comes to a screeching halt. There needs to be a "was" between "excitement" and "too" or the whole sentence needs to be combined with the next using an "and". Or both. More or less illustrates both of my points so I'll leave it at that.

I might have other thoughts but those are the biggest things I noticed. I'm afraid I'm not experienced enough at actual editing to know if I'm pointing out legitimate problems or just nit picking. And as for improving it? All I can think to say is write more. Reread everything you write and ask yourself, "Does this sound right?" whenever you finish a sentence, then again whenever you finish a paragraph. Think very carefully about how you pause whenever you hit a comma and ask, "Should this stay, go, or should the sentence around it change?"

I might be talking out my ass by saying all that because I'm not nearly that intense with my own stories, at least not as I'm writing them. I've been proofreading some of them for literally years.

So, um, in conclusion... Don't give up? Follow your dreams? Hope you enjoyed an overly long comment that took me way too long to write because I think way too much about words that I type at other people?

TL;DR, decent first work. Problems here and there. Would be willing to read more.

Thank you very much for this long and detailed response, another rarity among most communities from what I can tell!

Erotica is definitely not my forte, as you can most certainly tell. However I really appreciate you going into specifics about what I did wrong. I'm starting to realize that to imitate a sense of fast pace, I start delving a bit into stream of conscience writing which doesn't seem to play very nicely from what you've pointed out. I'll be keeping these in mind when I do my second and third pass over the story.

I am a sucker for commas however. I really like your comment on "should this stay, go, or should the sentence around it change?". Really good proofreading question.

Anyways, Thanks again for the effort you put in critiquing this! I shall hopefully be finding more time to write more, as I just finished up the next story in the sequence in a feverish haze. Of course, I didn't read this before, but I did make sure to put it under "stuff that probably needs more work" (more or less), so I remember to go back over it again before I put it into the gallery proper!

I liked this alot! would say 9.5/10 for me on this one, the only thing that bothered me were a few lines which were a bit awkwardly phrased, and one or two spelling errors, nothing really bad tho! good job c: