Majority of this blog is about adoption loss. I am also the Mom to a 21 year old son and a 16 year old son. I am fresh out of adoption related topics so I will use this blog to write just about whatever is going on in my life and may throw in adoption and reunion in here when the urge hits me. I recently went thru a bad divorce. I know it was quick but I found love and that has brought me much needed happiness. I may write about my relationship at times.

Friday, September 30, 2011

For my retreat it says to bring a picture of your child or children to hang up. I don't know if they are thinking of just the child with special needs or all of our children. Do I bring one with all of mine or just my son who has special needs son. Also, it gets me thinking if they meant children as in Mom's with more than one child with special needs.. I wonder how they manage it.

I spend my morning buying some pj's and a sweatshirt for the late walks. Some shoes just in case mine get dirty. I am bringing some soda with me. I am basically all packed and ready to go.
I am a little nervous. I am 25 years of age and have never been anywhere without my family. I am so happy that my husband is driving me. I would hate to get lost.

I have done my five choices for tutoring and I hope I made the right choice. I keep second guessing myself. I hoping that it really helps him. I did get his a report on his grades and besides the D in math and the F in Health he has one A and the rest B's and C's. We are hoping since we used the IEP as a way to get a health book that we can keep at home that it will help his grade.

My husband and son are driving me tonight to the retreat center. It's a new adventure for me. I have never been away from my husband and kids at the same time. Unless, I count when I did live in care for the elderly as being away from home without them.

I am bringing my phone but I aim to keep it off. I am bringing a camera to get pictures. It's suppose to be on a beautiful land and hopefully I get some nice pictures.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

In my school district they have a system called No child left behind and basically it has failed. It might have worked if all the children were the same but the reality of it that they are all very different. What works or doesn't work for some children may not work for another child.

The schools focus a lot of testing and this takes up quite a bit of the learning time. Also, from what I understand teachers have been told what to teach and can't hang around a certain problem area longer if she felt like the students just wasn't getting it. They have to just push through to the next thing and hope it all connects.

My son has an IEP and I felt like we things were not moving in the right direction. So, we had a conference and basically I learned that at our meeting last year we were lied to. We were told that he would be taught math and reading at his grade level that he tests at but it's not being done. He is being educated on 6th grade math even though he has trouble with the multiplication facts.

Now, they are at least pulling him out for tutoring with reading at his level.

The good news about this system failing is that if your school isn't getting high scores then they get so many hours of free tutoring. We went to a local high school and they had tons of tutoring people there and we have to think about which ones to choose. We have to pick five and hopefully we get our first or second choice.

We are leaning towards one that is tutoring on Saturday and it's four hours broken up with lunch and they provide the ride. There are some options that come to his school but the ride home is the issue plus I don't want it to turn out to be help with homework. I want it to be more about getting the tests and going back to the basics and teaching him instead of paper pushing. The problem with the Saturday thing is that it would take away from his every other weekend with his Dad.

They have online tutoring and would even provide him with a little computer but I just think that's a bad idea and even though my husband and son hear the word "toy: when someone says computer.

Some of the programs will only allow math or reading and the one on Saturday will give 30 hours of both. All this tutoring won't even start until the winter time and I wondered why but then someone mentioned ISAT's and a light bulb when off in my head. They want to up their test scores. Last year, even though my son needed tutoring,... he couldn't have gotten this because he was at school that was scoring well. He did get some ISAT tutoring for about six weeks but I didn't see any overall improvement with that.

This whole middle school thing is just kicking our butt's. My son fights cause he doesn't want to do it but always does it and basically he doesn't get any free time during the week to be a kid. Oh except the fit throwing.

Sorry, I needed to vent. I didn't sleep last night cause I was fuming cause I felt like I was lied to and when wrote the counselor back who said we can talk to her too since the special needs counselor hasn't been the best with calls. I basically thanked her for her help and asked if they have paperwork on the meeting from last year and basically she told me to buzz off and I had to talk to the other counselor.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Three months until Christmas!! It brings back memories of last year of the raising of funds and also some of my own to buy presents for 12 MELD children. It gets me thinking about do I want to do something like that again for this Christmas? I really enjoyed it and know that several people helped make Christmas a little brighter for those 12 children.

Is there anyone who think they would or could contribute to help with Christmas this year? I am thinking maybe a much smaller scale of gifts this year because I just know that I can't afford to go all out like I did last year. Or, I don't think I can afford it. It's so hard to tell with my job.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

On August 28th, I was at 147 followers and I said for each new follower I would buy two dollars worth of baby stuff for MELD. I am at 151 so as of right now that is 8.00 that I will be spending for baby stuff. I am going to wait one more week so see if I can get that number to grow. Honestly, this gives me a little more time to focus on bills since we were having some bad times which is improving since I am working full time. My limit is 20 dollars total. So, if your a lurker, follow me and it will provide 2.00 worth of baby supplies. I know it doesn't seem like much but every bit helps. Plus, I have fun shopping.

If anyone would like to help spread the word around that by just following my blog that I will donate money to MELD feel free to do so.

After, I purchase the baby supplies, I will post a picture. I am thinking in the line of buying baby wipes, lotion, soaps ect. We have family dollar and general dollars in our neighborhood and 20.00 there can go quite far with some of the basic baby needs.

Friday, September 23, 2011

In June, I blogged about a retreat offer for Mom's of special needs children. It's next weekend and I am going. I already paid for it and of course arranged for the time off from work. My hours at my job went from 20 to 40 this past month so it's even more of a treat to have some time off and relaxation and basically have a weekend that's about me.

This is exciting but also scary for me. I probably won't know anyone. There could be a chance that some faces would seem familiar because we all ran our children to therapy's and often times seen the same parents coming and going. I am kind of hoping to make a new friendship or two. I really only have one good friend in town and having another one or two would be cool. Maybe, if I am lucky, I can find a buddy for my son who has his social issues.

My husband is taking this weekend with me being gone to go visit his Mom. Both of my sons will be with their Dad. I believe his daughter is going with him and at first I felt rejected cause why wait until we are not with him to go. But all in all it's the perfect chance for them to go see his Mom, her Grandma because if I was at home and working then I would have the car.

I plan on taking my phone and a borrow my sister's camera but I plan on to disconnect myself from the internet and the phones.

I am suppose to bring a book that and it would be exchanged with another Mom's book and something that I don't need anymore. I don't really know what I am bringing yet so I need to get working on it. I just don't want to bring just any book but rather it be one that I have read and enjoyed. However, the problem is that I get books from the library and don't buy them.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Tonight was my 7Th ten week session for volunteering for MELD. I had wrote them last week about the problems that I had mentioned. The email was taken well and I was assured that they had extra help coming and a plan to encourage the Mom's to bring in diaper bags and to make sure the babies are dry.

There was 7 volunteers for 9 children. It was way too many people. Most of the children were in good moods and played nicely except we have this baby that every time his Mom drops him off he cries and cries. It's not unusual for him to cry for the majority of the 90 minutes they are in group.

Two of the new volunteers kept trying to take the baby away from my sister or me and they just knew they could solve this problem. They just knew they could make the baby go to sleep but mostly it just pissed this baby off cause he wanted my sister.

I was grateful for some extra help but they just wouldn't accept our word for it that this is just what this baby does. That we have tried everything and he just wants his Mom. It really bothered me that what we were saying didn't matter.

Besides, the crying baby that won't stop there was enough children to go around for 7 volunteers and honestly at times I felt like I had nothing to do. My sister even mentioned that if that many continue to show up then she wouldn't volunteer her time where it wasn't needed because of school and work.

I like the idea of having about four volunteers so that if one would need a night off for whatever reason they wouldn't feel guilty for leaving the others to struggle without enough help.

My husband said that I should write again cause they took what I said seriously and mention that 7 is too many but I am thinking and hoping that a few of them will week themselves out like usual.

I love volunteering and don't really want to give it up and I love that my sister does it with me. After, volunteering on most nights we go to the Y to walk or swim or both. It's nice to hang with my sister doing something good and also taking care of our own needs outside the daily life responsibilities.

Monday, September 12, 2011

I have been on a creative block for my daughter's scrapbook and I think I finally realized what is keeping me from working on it.

When I started working on it a long time ago. It was an outlet for me to do something with my time while I was suffering from so much loss and the not known of how my daughter's life was going.

I never knew if I would have have a chance to give her the book so it was made with the realization that it may stay with me forever but the ideal plan was to give it to my daughter. However, my daughter wasn't a real person to me. It was almost as if she could have been an imaginary person cause she was in my life for such a short period of time.

Now, that I am in contact and slowly building a relationship with her she is very REAL. She isn't imaginary and she isn't a baby. She is a real person who may or may not treasure the book as much as I have done.

Now, if I can just get past this fear of the known fact that I am able to give the book to her and get working on it. It would be great. I think another fear is that handing off the scrapbook would be a final act and she be done with me. I guess that's the insecurity that adoption loss has carried.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

I had a dream a bunch of people were in one place as in a party for Izzy. It was her parents, my Dad, my brother and Izzy. I don't remember who else was there.At some point Izzy and I are on a couch and my Dad is teasing her or giving her a hard time and she get s upset. She has a huge I am pissed look on her face. Which in reality I have never seen what that looks like. Well, in my dream she says "I am at your house" So, I don't know if that would cause any reason to be upset in an adoptees life but it's what she said in my dream.

Then, somehow I don't remember how but she lays on my leg and I run my fingers through her hair. Just for a moment in my dream I was able to comfort my daughter like a Mother should.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

20 years ago tonight, I went to bed and that next day I would never be the same. My heart was broken and even with contact there is a part of me that has never healed and I don't expect it ever will. If only I was stronger.. if only I tried to speak up sooner but if's won't change the fact of my life.

Friday, September 9, 2011

I was at work and my client went to bed so I got to choose the tv channel. I got to dateline 20/20 and couldn't resist watching the show about 9/11. At first I watched it without getting emotional but then I started to tear up and actually cried. Even after ten years and all the reminders of it the memories, videos and pictures of the twin towers falling and all those lives lost to evil just still seems to unreal but it's real. I really am trying to handle the birthday and the 9/11 stuff and not let it get me down but tonight it was too much.

I will be honest with you all. I know they don't want to forget what if the terrorist decide to strike again cause America gives them so much attention. If they pick a day at all wouldn't it be a real win for them to get us again on September 11Th? Scary!

The good news is that my daughter did get the cards today and said it was what she needed after a bad day at work. So, with that it wasn't too bad of a day.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

The terrorists hijacked airplanes and flew them into the World Trade Centers, Pentagon and the one plane that crashed in the field cause the passengers took control. All that happened on.........

September 11Th 2001. It was morning of Izzy's 10TH birthday.

So, the ten year anniversary of the 9/11 attacks is Izzy's 20TH birthday or is Izzy's 20Th birthday the ten year mark of the 9/11 attacks?

I remember being home and up cause my oldest son had to go to school. I don't recall if he was in school at that time or not. I remember always being sad on Izzy's birthday but the birthdays were getting a little easier. Mostly, I would spend the time by myself, while my husband worked but it all just depended on how the day fell during the work week. I don't recall if I had started making a point not to work her birthdays or not at that point.

I writing this post to give you a little insight on how the attacks of 9/11 has effected my life even though I personally didn't lose any family members or friends and honestly didn't know anyone who did.

The truth is the 9/11 stole my daughter's birthday.

No longer did I think of her birthday as September 11th.

No longer did I start thinking about her birthday around my nieces birthday on or around August 12th. They were born 29 days apart. My sister managed to raise her daughter even though the two of us are only a year and half apart in age.

It made me incredibly sad a ten year girl grew up with her birthdays being shared with such a horrible day. She will be twenty now and she probably doesn't remember too many birthdays when she didn't share it with the events of 9/11. I think it's been a normal thing for her and that makes me very sad. I am not sad by anything she said but just the fact is that most of her memories are after ten years of age. I am going by what is pretty much the normal for kids. Although, we did have a brief discussion via electronic stuff that has lead me to believe that it's not a big deal to her. Not as in being dying but her birthday being on that day.

I think of most people the little reminders that may come up to remind them of their child's birthday wouldn't bring up sad feelings but for me as a birthmom I find the reminders of her birthday sad.

The 9/11 attacks even without the anniversary creeping up on us is often in newspapers and the news. There was a while where it seemed like every book I read no matter the topic had some reference to the 9/11 attacks.

When I am doing my daily life of working, being a Mom, being a wife and basically not thinking of my daughter or adoption the 9/11 attacks bring adoption loss right back to my thoughts.

I wish I could escape the 9/11 attacks clips but it's impossible. I wish I could hear the 9/11 stuff and not just think of my loss. I know a lot of people lost their lives and others lost their loved ones. Those attacks were such an evil event in our time and it's been a sore spot in my life that it happened on her birthday.

I know longer work on her birthday. It's a rule of mine. This year, I am breaking it a little bit because I am babysitting for the church cause I am already taking a Sunday off soon for my retreat and I didn't want to ask for two so close. I basically request that my husband take me on a road trip and my husband and I spend some quality time together.

Most birthdays once we are home for the day I drink and honestly it's just what I do to help ease the pain. Sometimes, it's the way the tears come because I don't like to cry and try to fight it.

I will never forget the day my first husband took me to the bar on her birthday against my desires. Not that I was forces just pressured. Well, a few drinks too many and I lost it in the parking lot of the bar. The whole thing came spilling out to people who didn't know me very well.

Since reunion, this will be the second birthday that we have been in contact. Being involved and connected to my daughter's life has helped quite a bit. It does give me a whole new set of problems which I will be glad to take on compared to being in the dark.

This week there has been an overload of stories about 9/11 cause of the ten year anniversary and mostly I just skim the stories cause it's just too painful. I really feel for those that lost loved ones and friends in that attack. It's such a cruel way to die. I shudder when I imagine the fear of those on the planes when they knew that their life was about to end. I can't imagine that fear. Also, the fear of those that ran from the buildings trying to escape death.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

This weekend, I emailed the worker at MELD that handles finding and the work involved in getting volunteers. I am sure he has other jobs that he does but that's the only one that comes to mind right now.

He emailed me back and basically said that he really appreciate me pointing that out and would have the one that runs the groups to address if before the start of of the next session. He said he really is thankful to have my sister and me as volunteers. He doesn't even question us if we will be back or not. I hope he knows that my heart is in the right place and I am not being judgmental of the Mom's. I seriously care for them and the babies and love watching them.

Monday, September 5, 2011

I had another dream. I was in Jr high in 9th grade. It's the year that I went into labor with Izzy. First, I remember being dressed very sloppy and I pretty much was cause I didn't have proper fitting clothes to fit me. I remember being with the teacher that home schooled me and she made me do math. The really weird part of the dream is I remember being in a science class and I am super clumsy can't seem to find a seat and settle down to do my school work. Baby clothes kept falling down all around me.I woke up and honestly my body wanted to sleep more but my mind didn't want to go back.

I guess this is just what's going to happen since Izzy is counting down her birthday.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

I had a dream that I was locked in a house with my grand daughter and whoever was holding us wanted to take her from me. I had my cell phone but I didn't have any numbers in it to call for help. Why I didn't call 911 in my dreams I just don't know. Maybe, it's the birthday memories sneaking up on me. Not that my grand daughter is my baby but it's still was so sad of a dream. Luckily, I woke up to my grand daughter bouncing on my bed so all is okay.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

My hours at my job have doubled because I got a new client. I got my first "huge" paycheck and while it stinks that we had to pay a huge bill to catch it up but glad I was able to do it. Tonight, finished off my second week of full time hours. I actually got almost 4 hours overtime because someone was sick and I was asked if I could come in early instead of having the three hours of in between client time.

So, I get to work and it's this one girl who I got along well enough to tell her about my daughter and my volunteering and donating stuff to MELD. She said, she had things to give them and as far as I know she did. It was nice to see her. With my job, we don't really get to really know our coworkers and this girl I just hit if off with. I think I blogged about it cause she has a friend who placed a daughter for adoption and I gave my number out to the girl but nothing came of it.

She told me today she had somethings for MELD and would I take them in. It's a big bag full of a mixture of summer clothes, winter clothes and even a couple light jackets and couple heavy jackets. It's all girl stuff cause she has a girl. I can't fault her there. :) There was also a ride on toy, a couple things for babies. I am going to keep the bouncy chair cause it might come in handy for when I volunteer for MELD. However, I did decide I am going to write them an email about the majority of the Mom's bringing the babies in super wet. I hope I can do it without sounding judgmental and come off in a way that leads them to knowing that my goal is to provide quality care and it's been hard with so many babies being soaked.

Any suggestions? Am I being overly bitchy? Anyone thinking I am asking too much or making too big of a deal of the wet babies? I did get pee'd on the last time cause a baby wet through his clothes.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

I lied. My idea of the best way to celebrate Izzy's birthday is to spend part of the day with her and shower her with gifts and hugs, but the likely hood of that happening for me is very slim. So, my second best idea is to do what we been doing for a while just taking a road trip and see where we end up. We asked my stepdaughter to take a day off from work because honestly I love using the time to just be with my husband. Basically, I don't want to be around children. I hope that doesn't sound bad, but I just want to be babied and don't want to be the strong Mom.

It's September 1st. Only 11 more days until my daughter's 20th Birthday. My husband and I will do our normal road and be alone. It's how I rather it be.

Only 11 more days before we are at the ten year mark for the 9/11 tragic events that went down on my daughter's 10Th birthday. Can I be honest? I fear for the safety of our country. Wouldn't the ten year mark be a good time for the terrorist to strike again?

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About Me

At the young age of 15 years old. I had a baby girl and was pushed to choose adoption. I was uneducated and uninformed on how there are different types of adoption. It has been a long lonely road as a birthmother and forever damaged the relationship I have with my Mom. I write two blogs. One I keep a little more private than the other.