Message Boards

Topic : 01/06 No More Excuses With Star Jones

Number of Replies: 64

New Messages This Week: 0

Last Reply On:

Created on : Wednesday, December 28, 2005, 12:07:25 pm

Author : DrPhilBoard1

Do you know someone who has every excuse in the book for why they can't get it together? Along with Star Jones Reynolds from The View, Dr. Phil challenges his guests to take charge of their lives. Marchelle says her life has been a rollercoaster ride for the last 18 years. She studies Dr. Phil's advice but can’t seem to get it quite right. Find out what Dr. Phil has in store for her. Then, Deann refuses to be in a relationship until she has zero debt. She says she has a lot of great qualities, but her finances are making her unattractive. Plus, Chris says her macho military look scares men away. Her daily attire is fit for the battlefield: baggy clothes, no makeup and she doesn’t do her hair. Dr. Phil uncovers what's really keeping her from dating. Talk about the show here.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

Problem or "On Purpose"?

While I staunchly beleive that some behaviours, become "habit", it is also my humble opinion that in most cases they do so by "choice" whether we realize it or not.&nbsp

&nbsp

I happen to have a tendency to bite my nails, which is a horrible habit and looks just as bad. I probably could stop, I've done it before, but I suppose I just don't try "hard" enough. Lets face it, we all curb certain habits or bad behaviours in public because we know them to be rude or socially unacceptable, and only seem to continue with those that society (and/or our families) have learned to accept.&nbsp

&nbsp

It is for this reason that I find it difficult to CONTINUE to show compassion for those who persist on perpetuating detrimental and questionable behaviours.&nbsp

&nbsp

This in fact has been a HUGE issue in our family where my in-laws are concerned. Hard-working people of more than modest means they have been limited in certain aspects of life, etiquette, and experiences. Trying to embrace them as part of my family, I have tried to BEFRIEND them and including them (much like I do my own family) in certain memorable (and cost-effective) experiences.&nbsp

&nbsp

My in-laws have VERY LITTLE fashion sense or savvy (always wore hand me downs) so, I've taken the liberty to ask them (at least MIL) to go shopping with me and revamp (both) our looks, have paid for upgrading her curtains, bedspread, etc. Have given her gift certificates to salons and spas (upon HER making mention of being envious of never having had the experience). I've even offered to "teach" her about certain recipes, to organize her closet, decorate her home, whatever would help her boost her self esteem, confidence etc. The answer is ALWAYS the same. That's okay, you don't have to (but I "want" to), but she insist that (at 67) she is too old to care for how she looks, how her home looks, or what she cooks for just her and her spouse, plus, it's too much work for too short of a period of time (such as decorating for the holidays, or dressing up just for dinner), and her kids love her regardless. THEN, just the other day she called "lamenting" that my husband and I spent or enjoyed spending more time with my family because my family went "all out" for the holidays (decoration, music and food wise...all home prepared) and because (according to MIL) my mother was a better cook. When DH suggested she could do it if she tried, even if she catered and simply concentrated on making the home look and feel warm and cozy, she DISMISSED him by saying it would be too much work, she would have to fuss too much, etc., etc., etc. People like this feel sorry for themselves and I believe want others to feel sorry for themselves. It's not that they CAN'T change it's that they DON'T WANT TO and WON'T because they feel others give them sympathy and fail to realize that others are actually annoyed with them and often critcising them behind their back, and it has nothing to do with sympathy or pity, but rather with how ingratiating they are and tend to be.&nbsp

No more Excuses

Dear Dr Phil,&nbsp

I recently wrote a letter to you... and your wife, in hopes one of you would take notice. A lot of the letter was in short "Did my childhood play an important role and an acceptable reason for where I am in life now? And what can I do to forgive, forget and move on?". I entitled the letter "My Time Machine" symbolizing ones parent/s. I'm curious as to if you will touch base on this subject or if the shows title "No more excuses" pertains to my situation at all. &nbsp

I'm 30 years old, 31 in a few days, I haven't the time to waste! *laughs* I'm the only 30 year old decent looking man with dreams and goals without children and a devorce record that I know. For the love of God man.. help me out! :D&nbsp

Only writing the letter to you and your wife yesterday, I've accomplished a few productive things in regards to my company. Presently relocating my business to the Chicago area. (relocating was already in progress) I've signed numorous contracts with several prospective affiliates. Probably more than I will be able to handle right off, but I'll deal with that when it becomes an issue needing attention. For someone lacking in traditionally accepted schooling / degrees, I know smart business and people... so not looking for advice there. However, this deal with my mother, or lack of rather... whatcha got for me Doc? :D Dont make me post it here to get your attention *laughs* You have my word I wont hold anything as legal advice or therapy, but only as an opinion from someone I find to be extremely well educated in the area speaking to me in a casual manor... there, you are fear-free of breaking your "terms of use/fine print". :D We all trust you, and you've made a possitive impression on far more that any one person should ever feel the need... yet you continue, and we commend you for this. Now continue here please! *grin* I will infest your boards with repeatitive visits an eventually become annoying with my begging!&nbsp

Just some inspiration

I recently wrote a letter to you... and your wife, in hopes one of you would take notice. A lot of the letter was in short "Did my childhood play an important role and an acceptable reason for where I am in life now? And what can I do to forgive, forget and move on?". I entitled the letter "My Time Machine" symbolizing ones parent/s. I'm curious as to if you will touch base on this subject or if the shows title "No more excuses" pertains to my situation at all. &nbsp

I'm 30 years old, 31 in a few days, I haven't the time to waste! *laughs* I'm the only 30 year old decent looking man with dreams and goals without children and a devorce record that I know. For the love of God man.. help me out! :D&nbsp

Only writing the letter to you and your wife yesterday, I've accomplished a few productive things in regards to my company. Presently relocating my business to the Chicago area. (relocating was already in progress) I've signed numorous contracts with several prospective affiliates. Probably more than I will be able to handle right off, but I'll deal with that when it becomes an issue needing attention. For someone lacking in traditionally accepted schooling / degrees, I know smart business and people... so not looking for advice there. However, this deal with my mother, or lack of rather... whatcha got for me Doc? :D Dont make me post it here to get your attention *laughs* You have my word I wont hold anything as legal advice or therapy, but only as an opinion from someone I find to be extremely well educated in the area speaking to me in a casual manor... there, you are fear-free of breaking your "terms of use/fine print". :D We all trust you, and you've made a possitive impression on far more that any one person should ever feel the need... yet you continue, and we commend you for this. Now continue here please! *grin* I will infest your boards with repeatitive visits an eventually become annoying with my begging!&nbsp

&nbsp

Intellectually Bankrupt&nbsp

Dear Intellectually Bankrupt,

I am just a 16 year old girl. I read your post and I was just going to say incase Dr. Phil doesn't reply to you I wanted to maybe give you some small advice that I have.

I don't know your whole story. I don't even know who you are or your problems, but what I do know is that you do have a story and you do have problems that you are struggling with. In the beginning of your post you mention your childhood and its affect on your life right now. Well, not to just talk about my troubles, I do have a hard life as well. I don't have a mother. She decided to treat me very cruel after my parents divorced and when I chose to live with my dad. But something that helps me through every day is just telling my self that my parents do not effect my life. Sometimes it makes it harder but I am in control of my life and so are you. You have your own mind and you can make your own choices. Don't let your past life run your future. Take whatever problems you might have had and turn them into something to learn from. For example not having a mother has shown me what I would like to have in a mother. I try to remember all the times when I wish my mom was there or I wish she would give me some wisdom. This way I will hopefully know when my kids want me and how important I know parents really are.

You are only 30 and have so much life left. Take each day one at a time and remember that this is your life and you have just one. Make every moment count. Its only one chance to have a great life and only you can make it a good life. No one else. I wish you all the luck in the world.

Am I being stupid?

okay, my boyfriend lives 3 miles away, and he's suppose to come and see me every weekend. He didn't come down last weekend, and now he's saying he doesn't know if he's coming down this weekend. And then he calls me tonight and says that he's going bar hopping... I'm not comfortable with him going out to bars! (Plus the fact that he's only 18 and has to use a fake to get in, so he has to use the extra effort). Do I have a reason to be upset, or am I just being stupid. I feel like you just go to the bars to try and hook up with someone...
Please help me...

decision time

okay, my boyfriend lives 3 miles away, and he's suppose to come and see me every weekend. He didn't come down last weekend, and now he's saying he doesn't know if he's coming down this weekend. And then he calls me tonight and says that he's going bar hopping... I'm not comfortable with him going out to bars! (Plus the fact that he's only 18 and has to use a fake to get in, so he has to use the extra effort). Do I have a reason to be upset, or am I just being stupid. I feel like you just go to the bars to try and hook up with someone...
Please help me...

You look like you are young and intelligent. Listen to what your brain and intuition are telling you. Maybe this boyfriend has different priorities than you do. Or maybe he is just not ready to commit to a relationship at this time. Don't be insecure that he wants to go out with some friends, even if it is to bars. He may be getting pressured from his friends. I am a 39 year old female, who has been married for almost 19 years. Believe me, if it is right you would know. If you are questioning his actions, then maybe he is not the right guy for you. I was only 14 yrs old when i met my husband, and we both knew we were going to be together forever. The best advice that i can give you: You have to accept him for the person that he is. You may be able to help him to mature, or commit, but you may not be able to change the habits that you despise. If you are confused now about your relationship, then you will always wonder....better to find someone who has the same goals, and has the same idea that you have about being a couple. I wish you all the best of happiness.

Wow

I am just a 16 year old girl. I read your post and I was just going to say incase Dr. Phil doesn't reply to you I wanted to maybe give you some small advice that I have.

I don't know your whole story. I don't even know who you are or your problems, but what I do know is that you do have a story and you do have problems that you are struggling with. In the beginning of your post you mention your childhood and its affect on your life right now. Well, not to just talk about my troubles, I do have a hard life as well. I don't have a mother. She decided to treat me very cruel after my parents divorced and when I chose to live with my dad. But something that helps me through every day is just telling my self that my parents do not effect my life. Sometimes it makes it harder but I am in control of my life and so are you. You have your own mind and you can make your own choices. Don't let your past life run your future. Take whatever problems you might have had and turn them into something to learn from. For example not having a mother has shown me what I would like to have in a mother. I try to remember all the times when I wish my mom was there or I wish she would give me some wisdom. This way I will hopefully know when my kids want me and how important I know parents really are.

You are only 30 and have so much life left. Take each day one at a time and remember that this is your life and you have just one. Make every moment count. Its only one chance to have a great life and only you can make it a good life. No one else. I wish you all the luck in the world.

I'm sorry if I bugged you and this letter only gets you frustrated,

*Arianna

Wow, are you sure that you are only 16???? You have a fantastic attitude, and with that, you will go far in your life goals. (maybe you will be the next "Dr Phil!!!) You have learned early in life to take responsibility for yourself. There is no sense in passing blame. Bravo to you!!!! I have a 16 yr old son, a 14 yr old daughter, and a 6 month old baby boy. I was thrilled to read your post, as you are a very intelligent, and have a definite sense of who you are. I am sure that your Father, (and yes, even your Mother) is sooooo proud of you! I see the everyday hardships that my teenage children endure. If you EVER need a shoulder, or just someone to listen, I would be honored and thrilled to be there for you.

As far as "Intellectually Bankrupt" is concerned, well, he needs to acknowlege (as the good Doc says) and get a grip!!!! Life is not a bowl of cherries, after all.

Arianna, you are wise beyond your years, and I am so proud of you!!!! I hope that you respond to my post, as you have completely blown me away.

Thank you kindly

Xtremeairy, &nbsp

&nbsp

It goes a bit deeper than that, but your reply was most appreciated and more than welcomed! I'm touched that someone would take the time to pay attention to something I said! I had a mother growing up, no father... not even a steady father figure. I wrote Dr Phil a letter that got into a fair amount of detail, or enough I would think it would spark an interest. We'll see.&nbsp

The thing is, is that she was more like an aquaintance than a mother. We saw more of the mail man than we did her. I'ld hate to think about it, but she may very well have seen the mail man more than us. Am I deliberately being disrespectful, no. Am I attempting to paint you a picture with as much of a realistic image as I am able so you can better see and understand my sincere concerns, yes.&nbsp

Imagine if you will... 3 young children not of legal age to be left alone, but were in fact alone while their mother pranced around town, had her fun, refused to accept any type of responsibility, enjoying life as much as she could, never telling her children where she would be, what she would be doing or who she would be with. Keep in mind, you are a young influencial child, and you see almost on a daily basis, a different adult male come in and out of your life and home sometimes never to be seen but maybe once or twice. Also envision this... as you ate your hotdogs, grilled cheese and powdered milk... yes, powdered milk! I dont ever suggest you try it, dear GOD that's some nasty stuff! Havent had it in years and I can still taste it!&nbsp

Okay, so I'm back from my visit with my trusty mouthwash, where was I? Oh yeah, hand-me-down clothes and 'momma knows best' haircuts. I can honestly say I have no pleasant memories as a child except with my grandparents. And if there was anything possitive, I cannot for the life of me remember. I realize I've blocked out at least 1 third of my life. I'm 30! That's a lot of life! :O As a child, try watching your mother dine out and bring home gifts and things. Nothing really fancy, but gifts none the less. Listen as she talks to her guy friends on the phone... wondering if she is ever going to mention you, pondering the thought of having a dad that will teach you about the birds and the bees and not accidentally show you as he and your mother do their thing on the kitchen counter where just 2 hours prior, you made a peanut butter and jelly snadwich! Not to mention you hear your mother on the phone with these numorous guys telling stories of this and that, and in her very next breath, answering the phone only to tell a completely differnet story. Now you are old enough to know that 2 different stories just dont make sense, bringing you to the conclusion that the one guy mom drove off with yesterday in the rusty 73 Mustang, wont be back to get to know you. I can be an optomist and say during this time in my life, I got to know the make and model of vehicles well! Hell, when friends and I, and I didnt have many, would cruise around when I was only 13, I was designated as the guy to watch for cop headlights from afar, I knew cars so well. &nbsp

I can be an optomist and say that by listrening to my mother deceive men, I knew how to talk to people and tell them what they wanted to hear to get what I wanted. But that is easily countered by half a brain and 5 minutes of spare time, so that wasn't going to make my entrepreneurial debut. Lets get back into character here. Ok. so now your mother has met and decided to keep one guy around for awhile. This guy from the very start doesnt like the fact your mother has children. Wow... what are you going to do about this? Nothing! You are a stupid, good for nothing, worthless setback in your mothers life, so you are going to lay low and pray this huge guy doesnt decide he wants to eat you instead of that steak on his dinner plate. Hmmm... something is missing from this picture I'm trying to paint for you. Ah ha! Got it! You are eating your hotdog and mac'n cheese while he and your mother have steaks. That's better, now we have us a picture! So time goes by and this guy is still around. Over this time, he has laid the law down, and degraded you and your mother to no end. So now all you see yourself as is a burden and basically a waste of perfectly good oxygen. I'll give you an example to better explain just how scared you are of your mothers main sqeeze. You fall asleep on the livingroom floor as you watch The Cosby Show on evening cable TV. You are woke up by a man screaming for you to get your lazy ass up and go to bed. But before you can comprehend what this man is saying, all you hear is his terrifying voice and begin to pick up your mess on the carpet only to find there is no mess. You are picking lint out of the crevesses of the carpet to make it look like you are doing something productive. I reread what I just wrote to see if we are getting a correct picture here and not even close. It's all I can think of to explain the fear we had as children of this man. I'll leave that subject with this... nothing you can type here will come close to explaining the emotion and panic my brothers and I felt when this man woke us up at any given time, because we were smart enough to know... if someone doesnt want to have anything to do with you, they arent about to wake you up unless they are going to b*tch at you for something.&nbsp

Lets throw some splashes of texture and color into this painting. Lets give it a little more character! Add mental and physical abuse on a regular basis. Throw in, working hard late into the night at his apartments buildings to make him look less like a slum-lord... and maybe those gorgeous girls jeans you had to wear 1 day a week in the 6th grade, that had the embroidered rose on the pocket. Lets not forget to give this painting some attitude! Your inability to allow anyone to get close to you, and the fact that you've had numorous relationships and known many women in your life, and still alone should fill the void in this painting well. We can add in the loss of one brother, a father of 2 and husband of one at age 20, to suicide and another brother institutionalized due to his lack of structure in life who also has numorous children at a young age. Are we missing any other key highlights in this painting? Sure! Your self destructive state of mind restricts you from succeeding with your business any further than you believe you can, and that's not saying much. I dont know about you, but this painting needs a little more possitve in it. it's just looking so gloomy! How about we paint some pride that you didnt make it a habbit to break the law and end up in trouble all the time and splash it with a little more pride in knowing you chose routes you were sure would lead you away from the gloomy areas of this painting so you would stick out and make a difference. Lets not fool ourselves. In all structure of life, whether it be this painting, the spirit of a child or even the structure of a poorly written forum post with misused words and horrid spelling, it requires a strong foundation. A foundation used to build something with meaning. You are a part of this painting. You may preceive yourself as the brighter side of the painting, but when the paint hardens, you become one with the it and there's nothing you can do about it. Good thing this is water based paint!!! Because I'm looking to Dr Phil to douse me with water and break some of this gloom up!&nbsp

I'm not sure if getting into any more detail is such a good idea being as how these forums are so public, but I'm bound to get Dr. Phils attention one way or another. However, before you get out of character, remember this.... what you've read,... what you've envisioned,... as you see' through my words of experience and place yourself into this childs shoes... know this; those are moments amongst many... a "chip off the old block", which is why I find myself here with sincere concern.&nbsp

&nbsp

P.S. Any correction by anyone pertaining to my spelling, punctuation, and/or misuse of wording / jumping from 3rd person to 1st, will completely destroy any hope I had of anyone understanding how this child became half the man he should be today. :P&nbsp

&nbsp

P.P.S. In Search Of: an editor / publisher willing to give this book a shot! Think it'll sell? *laughs* I have more!!!&nbsp

Not exactly what I was looking for...

Blondeb10,

Acknowledge and get a grip eh? I chose not to get into detail and still have only touched base on what someone endures going through life that has no one to turn to! You come fill my shoes and then tell me your options in life! For someone like me there were no options! We had no discipline! We had no possitive role models! We had what we made and there were no materials available! We were told if we discussed home life with anyone out side our emmediate family, we would be taken from our mother and never see our brothers again. And before you start talking how I should have spoke to someone secretive about this, point out where I would have learned trust. Again... I've only written a small percentage of what I could but choose to not burden you with too many details as to not disrupt your content life.

I mean 3 hours, not miles

You look like you are young and intelligent. Listen to what your brain and intuition are telling you. Maybe this boyfriend has different priorities than you do. Or maybe he is just not ready to commit to a relationship at this time. Don't be insecure that he wants to go out with some friends, even if it is to bars. He may be getting pressured from his friends. I am a 39 year old female, who has been married for almost 19 years. Believe me, if it is right you would know. If you are questioning his actions, then maybe he is not the right guy for you. I was only 14 yrs old when i met my husband, and we both knew we were going to be together forever. The best advice that i can give you: You have to accept him for the person that he is. You may be able to help him to mature, or commit, but you may not be able to change the habits that you despise. If you are confused now about your relationship, then you will always wonder....better to find someone who has the same goals, and has the same idea that you have about being a couple. I wish you all the best of happiness.

Chris the Helicopter Pilot

Thank you so much for showing her story. I am in a similar situation. I am active duty Air Force, I am an F-16 Crew Chief and work long hard hours in rough conditions in a mostly male environment. I love my job and I love my service to the country I respect and admire BUT it is really hard to maintain a feminine self image. My two best friends are both female crewchiefs. When I first met them I was the only female crewchief in our squadron. I was delighted to have my sisters in arms take me in hand and help me re-discover my feminine self. To Chris and all my sisters out there remember, we are tough people doing a tough job for something we believe in but we can do all that AND STILL FEEL GIRLIE :D Thank you again Dr. Phil for showing me and everyone else that just because you get dirty at work and don't date a whole lot doesn't mean you're gay or a man hater. I love men that's part of the reason I chose my job.