Degradation Play

Are You Embarrassed By Your Turn-Ons?

Loose Vagina?

Dear Doc Chaves,

I’m a girl, but I hope I can still write too. My boyfriend keeps saying I have a loose vagina and that’s why he can’t cum or sometimes not stay hard. Is that true? Is it me?

We love the female questions at AskMen too, and thanks for reaching out. Yes, there is such a thing as having a tighter or looser vagina. However, it could also be sexual anxiety and performance anxiety your boyfriend is experiencing. It's difficult to say unless a thorough sex history is taken. It's possible, and likely, that his delayed ejaculation and erection difficulties are associated with anxiety. Other contributing factors can be relationship problems, insecurities, condom use desensitization, and stress.

Far too often I've seen male clients have performance anxiety that skyrockets during penetration, affecting erection or inhibiting orgasm. Yet the same man is able to relax and enjoy orgasm with an erect penis during fellatio (oral), hand jobs or masturbation. My guess is the anxiety is the issue, not your vagina. But if you’d like to work on vaginal tightness, a natural way to do this is through Kegel exercises. I don't want to suggest or reinforce that you are the problem, but it's good for us to work on the things we have control over in relationships. Plus, Kegels are great for orgasm, incontinence and sexual health in general.

Humiliation Play

Dear Doc,

I have a small penis and have been self-conscious about it most of my life. It has affected me greatly with sex and dating. Recently, I got naked for the first time with a girl that I have been dating. I told her that I didn’t have a big penis right beforehand, I guess to prepare her, and she answered, “Well, let’s see if that little dick fits all the way down my throat.” It was so cool. I got so turned on, I immediately got hard. She noticed too and ever since then, I’ve been getting really excited and hard when she makes other comments about my penis size. The worse the comment is, the better. Why is this? I used to be so ashamed — but now I’m turned on.

SPH, or small penis humiliation, is a form of degradation play that uses eroticized shame for arousal. We often think of shame as a bad or negative feeling, but shame can have many different faces and elicit different responses within the body. For men, penis size is a touchy subject, and one filled with challenges to masculinity and confidence.

In your case, SPH appears to empower. In certain contexts, especially in trusted, safe, secure environments, humiliation play that uses eroticized feelings can be incredibly arousing. Some use erotic shame as a way to empower themselves and challenge feelings of inadequacy. Penis size is one of those male sexuality topics where many feel powerless and insecure. SPH is a way to psychologically turn the tables from fear and insecurity to power and control. For those who are able to eroticize shame in this manner, it can be a wonderful addition to their sexual psyche.

There is also an element of partner acceptance, which may add to your arousal. You told her something incredibly personal, filled with anxieties and fears of judgment or embarrassment. She learned one of your deepest, darkest secrets and she accepted you for who you are. When we think of inadequacy, it’s often rooted in lack of self-acceptance. My guess is her sexualization and eroticization of your penis has also helped you become more confident and accepting of your own body image and penis size. SPH may not be for everyone, but it sounds like it’s for you.