Jeff Vrabel: Every second-grade sandlot baseball game ever played

(EXT: THE PARK. A GLORIOUS SUNDAY AFTERNOON, NOT A CLOUD IN THE RICH BLUE SKY.)

Boy With Glasses (to my son): "Hey, do you want to play baseball?"

My son: (Pausing to look up from the mound of dirt he's been playing in): "Sure!"

(5 MINUTES LATER)

Boy With Glasses: "OK, let's pick teams."

(49 MINUTES LATER)

Kid In Local Rec League Baseball T-Shirt: "OK, me, you, you and you. Let's go."

My son: (immediately joins wrong team, begins heading to first base)

Girl Who Is One Year Older Than Everyone Else And Has Thus Assumed Control Of The Situation: "NO! JACOB! YOU'RE ON OUR TEAM!"

Tall Kid With Black Hair: "I thought I was on your team?"

Older Girl: "WE GET THIS TALL KID TOO!"

(5 MINUTES LATER)

(Close play at second base)

Tall Kid: "You're out!"

Tall Kid's Brother Who Looks Exactly The Same But Is Three Years Younger And Probably Gets This Kind Of Crap All The Time: "I was not, you didn't touch me!"

Older Girl: "He doesn't have to touch you, the ball does!"

Kid In Baseball T-Shirt: "No, he has to touch you with the ball!"

Baseball Kid's Younger Sister: "No, he doesn't!"

My Son: "Can I pitch now?"

(1 MINUTE LATER)

(My son throws a pitch that sails 15 feet over the batter, careens off the backstop and drops like a dead pigeon onto the ground.)

My Son: "I don't want to pitch anymore."

(7 MINUTES LATER)

Kid With Glasses: (to me) "Did you see it? Was he safe or out?"

Me: "DO NOT DRAG ME INTO THIS. Also I was playing Words With Friends right there, sorry."

(4 MINUTES LATER)

Older Girl: (meanders off field without a word, never to return)

(3 MINUTES LATER)

Red-Haired Girl: "I want to pitch!"

My Son: "I want to pitch!"

Red-Haired Girl: "It's my turn, I haven't pitched yet!"

My Son: (Has already returned to making piles of infield dirt with his hands, then kicking them)

Red-Haired Girl: "OK I'm pitching!"

(First pitch sails 3 feet behind the batter, who swings anyway.)

Baseball Boy: (to me) "Can you pitch?"

Me: (measures iconic excitement of a game of sandlot baseball with slight annoyance at being taken away from iPhone Scrabble game). "Sure."

(My first pitch bounces in the dirt four feet in front of Baseball Boy.)

Me: "Sorry been a while since I've thrown the ol' tennis ball around."

(Second pitch is creamed by Baseball Boy into left-center field. Chaos ensues for 48 seconds, after which it is determined that Baseball Boy has hit a home run, and that most of the infielders would like very much to get a drink of water.)

(12 MINUTES LATER)

(All eight children on the diamond are staring at a model airplane being flown around by a guy who just showed up to the park.)

(4 MINUTES LATER)

Kid WIth Glasses: "It's 4-1!"

Younger Brother: "No, we scored 3! It's 3-2!"

Kid With Glasses: "OK it's 1-3!"

Older Brother: "I hit two home runs, so it's 2-3!"

My Son: "Is this a winning and a losing game?"

Jeff Vrabel ended up pitching for a hour, and gave up 25 runs. He can be reached at http://jeffvrabel.com and followed at http://twitter.com/jeffvrabel.

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