What you're watching

I missed blogging last week's "The Bachelorette" due to some unforeseen circumstances, so let's make this week's double-the-awesome. First of all, I can't start this without a round of applause for Ali, who made Rated R look like a scared little girl as he limped away muttering pathetic excuses. She was obviously more angry than she was sad, as she should have been.

The best part was the voicemails played over Justin's whimpering exit. So not only did the love of his life call Ali to bust him, but she also turned over all of his private voicemails? Give up, Justin. Your dating life is so over.

Now on to this week's episode. Is there really any point to watching this? ABC pretty much gave away the entire season in last week's teaser. Thanks, ABC. I'm so glad I've been avoiding spoilers.

Tonight's episode is highly anticipated not because of any Ali drama, but because Jake and Vienna will make their return. Earlier today my mom texted me, "They have a visceral dislike for each other, and all I saw was a preview!"

Yes, my mom uses words like "visceral" in her text messages. Just to be thorough, her next two texts were "Ali is a dodo" and "Jake is a turd." Thanks Mom. You're famous now.

This week, the lovers are in Lisbon! It looks so beautiful I practically want to mute my TV and just watch all the gorgeous scenery… particularly when Ali starts spouting quotes like "Life may not be a fairy tale, but love can be!" I think she just wrote Taylor Swift's next hit single.

I'll admit, Roberto is quite romantic on their solo date, but I think he's romantic in sort of an obvious way. "Are we the only ones dancing in the street? I don't care!" doesn't sound new or original to me.

He renders her a bit speechless while they sip wine at the castle. "I thought Roberto was too good to be true, but I feel like he really is just that good," she says.

Next, Ali has a two-on-one with Frank and Ty, and her hair looks so much prettier than it did with Roberto, but I don't understand why she's wearing dorm pants and a cami to this particular date. Everyone is so awkward. Which genius decided to make the two-on-one date an intimate dinner? Couldn't they have gone hiking or climbed a glacier or performed in "The Lion King"?

I find Ty really endearing but he was raised with women filling traditional gender roles, and Ali has no plans to be barefoot, pregnant, and cooking dinner any time soon. She's worried about what Ty's family will think of that, which is a valid concern. Also a valid concern: Ty's man-jewelry.

When Ali steps outside with Frank, he mans up and tells her that he lives with his mommy and daddy. (OK, so he doesn't exactly use those words.) He gets so nervous about it that it's completely adorable! Ali seems to agree, which is a relief. She'd live in a tree with him. I probably would, too.

When it's Kirk's turn, Ali is still preoccupied. So am I, Ali. Can we get to the Jake/Vienna celebrity death match now, please? I'm so over watching Ali nod and smile through lunch and a horse-drawn carriage ride (with wine, of course). All Kirk can say is "Wow! There's horses! Wow! This is so…."

Finish your sentences, Kirk. All the cool kids are doing it.

The best part of Kirk's date is that Ali gets really honest and vulnerable with him. "I'm just worried that I won't be good enough one day," she says. Unfortunately, she's asking Kirk to make her a promise that no one can make. How do you know how you're going to feel in a year? You don't. Love is a leap of faith! Oh, god, the quote-speak is rubbing off on me.

I can't be the only person who noticed that when they stand in the palace listening to the music, Kirk doesn't ask Ali to dance. Roberto will dance with her without any music! What are you doing, Kirk?

Chris L. is my favorite, but I'm not sure if he's Ali's favorite. "I can't be the dude who kills the bachelorette! That's just not going to look good at all." He always seems so relaxed and happy, unlike my other favorite, Frank, who is always a gust of wind away from a panic attack.

Watching Chris talk about his mother melted me. MELTED. All capital letters. Though he's opening up and baring his soul, Ali seems much less enamored of him than she was of the other guys. She's not climbing all over him and constantly interrupting him with her tongue.

They go to a winery. "I feel like a winery is the perfect place to sort of let loose." No kidding, Ali. Why's that? I hope she gets wasted. I love drunk Ali; she's such a goof.

Chris gives Ali a bracelet made by a family friend, and I could just tell how important it was to him. He looked so nervous and emotional! If she sends him home after this, she's completely heartless. "You made me feel all warm inside," he says. "What does that mean?" Just give me a moment: awwwwwwwwwww. OK; I'm back just in time for the rose ceremony.

Thank God! She gives Chris the first rose. I honestly didn't see that coming. Rose No.2 goes to Frank. Now that my two faves are safe, I'm going to go pour myself a glass of wine. I can't imagine what made me think of wine… perhaps the 47 glasses Ali drank in the last hour and a half.

Roberto and Kirk get the next two roses. I guess Ty's "traditional family values" didn't sit very well with Ali's ambition. I genuinely feel sad for him though. He seemed to get along so well with the other guys, which is always a sign of a really genuine person on these shows.

This is the most dramatic goodbye yet. They stand in the rain, there are tears, there's wind. It's like a movie, except that in a movie, a director would never let Ali use her whiny baby Snooki voice. Waaaaah. Pickles.

Finally, it's time for:

Jake and Vienna: The Showdown!

Why is Chris calling this "the shocking break-up"? Nobody on the planet is shocked that Jake and Vienna are dunzo. I guess it's a little bit shocking that Jake is so horrible, but we all know he can't be as boring as he seemed on his show.

First of all, I have to ask. Do the Bachelors sign a contract saying that they have to do an "update" if they break up? Because this is just cruel and unusual. Chris keeps saying that he's sorry they're there, but… he can't be that sorry. To be honest, I find this really difficult to watch. No one should have to talk about their break-up on national television. I don't feel that Jake and Vienna owe the public an explanation at all.

Jake comes out playing the victim and insisting that he didn't do anything wrong. "I cannot even fathom her doing this to me," he says before Vienna joins them.

I really feel for her. She seems so lonely, and he seems so cold and dismissive of her feelings. At first, she does sort of appear to be making excuses for her own bad behavior - whether that bad behavior is allegedly cheating on him or going to the tabloids. But when Jake interrupts to snarl, "I'm so mad at you, I'm so disgusted with you," everything goes south.

He accuses her of text-message flirting with him after "selling [him] out to a magazine for payment" and then she throws back, "You're a fame whore, is what you are." Zing!

"My impression was that you were a pilot, and we were going to go back to Florida and Dallas, but all of a sudden, we're in L.A. and you're pursuing a new career in acting," she says.

Jake claims to still be a pilot and to have flown last weekend, but nothing about the weird smile on his face suggests he's telling the truth. Then Vienna says that when her dog was in the hospital attached to IVs, Jake told her, "I'm so sorry your dog's so spoiled she can only maintain one relationship at a time."

Uh… how many relationships are dogs supposed to maintain, exactly? Sorry her dog hated you, Jake. Dogs are good judges of character. And you're creepy.

Finally, we get to the subject of Gregory Michael, the star of "Greek" who Vienna has been accused of having a fling with while Jake was filming "Drop Dead Diva." The network bleeps Michael's last name. Why, I don't know. It's been all over the Web. Next, Jake insists that Vienna was with a "single guy" at her apartment on Saturday night. A single gay guy who brought her a dress. Scandalous.

It's also revealed that Vienna has given Jake her ring back twice. She says they were break-ups, he says they were "little temper tantrums." Way to invalidate her feelings entirely. What in the world did she keep going back to?

Vienna also blames "Dancing With the Stars" and Twitter for her feelings of loneliness. Love in the 21st century, ladies and gentlemen.

"Baby, be quiet while I'm talking," Jake interrupts her. Next, he's going to club her over the head and drag her back to his cave. He claims that her interrupting him undermines and emasculates him. He's emasculated by the GPS, too. He's also emasculated when she uses measuring tape. I'll refrain from commenting and just let that stand on its own.

Vienna says that his other excuses for not sleeping with her include that he wanted to wait for marriage or that he was fasting. Because as we all know, men can't have sex when they're hungry.

This was a pretty interesting "update." If you ask me, Vienna came out of this smelling like roses. What are your thoughts?

I'd tell you what my mom texted me after the show about Jake, but her language wasn't exactly Los Angeles Times appropriate. (For the record... I agree, Mom.)