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Exploited as a child, determined as an adult

A woman who used to work in the sex trade in Newfoundland and Labrador says that many clients call themselves 'Jeff' even though that's not their real name. (CBC )

By Tabatha Scott*

Editor's note: Tabatha Scott is the pseudonym of a woman who used to be involved in the sex trade in Newfoundland and Labrador. CBC has agreed to protect her identity. This is her letter to the clients who used to pay her for sex.

Dear Jeff,

I don't know why the johns always lie and say their name is Jeff, but they do. You do.

From the second you lock eyes with mine, I cringe and you crave. The fear of not knowing what will happen upstairs, of me not knowing what you're expecting of me.

I'd like to crawl out of my skin while you are trying to seduce your way in.

For you it is a quick fix, but for me it feels like eternity.

I force myself to give you a smile. It kills me. The connection is just not there and I feel more dead on the inside than I've ever felt.

Your wife thinks you will spend the day at the office. As you freshen up in the morning, you hit private search on your phone looking for the ads you've bookmarked. The thrill of being able to pick any woman you want.

A woman we're calling Tabatha Scott says clients commonly used private searches on their cellphones to decide which sex worker they'd book time with. (CBC)

Before I open my eyes in the morning, my face is wet. The weight of the day before. And I have to face another day.

The cocaine you supply is for fun but for me it is to forget.

Before I open my eyes in the morning, my face is wet.- Tabatha Scott

You are so intrigued by the attention I give you. I have become a pro at saying what you need to hear. Giving the same reassurance to you and to the Jeff before you that it's OK to have erectile dysfunction. It doesn't make you any less of a man.

Guilt and shame on both sides

You might be Jeff No. 1 out of seven tonight but I give you my attention as if you're the only one.

It's amazing how you can change once you have had your way with me. There's guilt and shame on both sides. Usually you throw the money at me and off you go.

You have someone at home waiting for you who knows nothing of the demon you have inside. I drag my feet home.

Scott says her face was wet with tears before she even opened her eyes in the morning, because of what she would have to face that day. (Shutterstock)

In the end we both lose because it's something we both take to the grave.

But don't you worry. Just as there is Viagra to help you perform, there is cocaine to to help me forget.

What happened under the deck

Jeff, if you were asked if you could pinpoint the moment in your life when you knew it was all going to fall apart, would you be able to?

Could you bring yourself right back to the month, day, year, place, time, the smell in the air, the music you hear and the clothes you were wearing?

For me, I was six years old. It was summer, with freshly cut grass. We were underneath the deck. I was wearing a white shirt and blue shorts. My hair was up in a ponytail. You were my friend. You were probably 14. I trusted you.

You said, 'I'll show you mine, you show me yours.' Then you placed my hand on your penis and made me do something.