Are you expecting the unexpected? Does expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected? Either way, the Uzi Tactical Pen turns a mere pen into a life saving tool. The DNA Catcher on the crown of the pen is very sharp and can be used to deliver a very nasty jab to an attacker, causing extreme pain and giving you a sample of their DNA to use when you go to the police. Not expecting to get attacked? The crown also doubles as a glass breaker if you ever get trapped in your vehicle... If things get really bad, you can always rely on the hidden handcuff key inside the top of this pen. This badass writing utensil is made of high-grade aircraft aluminum and writes upside down or under water. If you can find a situation where you use all of this pen's features and live to tell the tale, we probably owe you some sort of prize.

I just bought one of these a couple weeks ago at our local army surplus to satisfy my fetish for heavy little objects.
It cost about 25 bucks, and feels properly nerdly in your hand while writing, and pretty “GRAAAARGHH” when clenched in your fist.

You could probably put it through someone’s organs or extremities if you were in steroidal 80s-Schwarzenegger shape, but you’d more likely just be giving them a respectably, intimidatingly nasty jab in whatever body part you aimed it at.

I’m wondering whether TSA will decide it’s dangerous if it’s just lined up alongside the other pens in my satchel when I get on the plane next week … uhhh, yeah. Check luggage.

Or a deep-seated fascination with elegantly overcrafted fiddly objects.

Incidentally, I’ve never much gone for the notion that there is a one-to-one correspondence between interests and motives. It’s led to a lot of snarky and uncharitable assumptions about fundamentally harmless things.

I’m sure that Rothco, who I believe manufactures it just, licensed the Uzi name from whoever currently holds the rights. Knife and gun makers seem to love to license out their names for all kinds of unrelated crap.

And I’m not sure why it’s being called “Think Geek’s Uzi Tactical Defender Pen.” They’re juts a reseller. It’s not Think Geek’s any more than it’s Amazon’s, which is where I bought mine.

The first thing I did when I was handcuffed was tuck my legs through my arms to be more uncomfortable with my hands on my lap. The cop got pretty annoyed and redid them behind my back the first time I did it. He got real fired up and threatened to tie me up even more the second time I did it.

Since you can stab someone with a run of the mill bic, it seems it would usually be a tactical error to carry around a pen that says “Hey, my owner is the kind of guy who’s really into stabbing folks with pens!”