I am writing a diary!! Well, that's fairly obvious, but this month I turned 13 and so, according to my synagogue at least, I am a woman. I can't actually drive yet, (which I couldn't really do anyway if I wanted to since my parents don't own a car), I'm still in seventh grade, I can't see R-Rated movies and I still have to go to bed at 10 PM, but I am 13 and I am celebrating my new maturity by writing a diary. Yeah!!

May is actually a rather hectic time for my family. Dad has said that he's actually kind of grateful that university ends in April for his students. But anyway, May starts with my half-brother Benjamin's birthday. He's actually the son of Dad's first marriage, but it turned out she was a lesbian. Anyway, he's seven years older than me and he's attending Columbia because faculty members get free tuition for their children. So there's no debate on where me and Petra are going to college. Shortly after Ben's birthday, it's my Mom's birthday. She turned 44 this year. Then there is my birthday, and of course there was my bat-mitzvah, and then there my parent's wedding anniversary. Today is their 16th wedding anniversary. It is all kind of fun, but it is a bit expensive so we have to cut costs everywhere (we eat a lot of macaroni in May because it's cheap and it's the one thing Mom knows how to cook. I love Mom, but she really can't cook to save our lives. Dad cooks better than her.)

The only other time that is so hectic is October. That's when Dad's birthday is (he turns 46 this year), it's also Petra's birthday (she turns 10 this year) and it is also the celebration of something my parents call "the Renewal of the Marital Vows." It seems odd that my parents should celebrate their wedding anniversary twice a year, but they do for some strange reason. The story is actually surprisingly simple. In 1999 my parents were visiting a friend in Las Vegas and they decided to get married on impulse. So impulsively in fact that they never got the time to take any pictures or have any momentos. Later on after I was born they decided that they needed some pictures so that I could remember them, so all the pictures that I've seen at them at my grandparent's temple is actually of their "Renewal of Marital Vows." I've seen some of the video that was made. You'd actually think they were really getting married!

Ross teaches at NYU not Columbia University.Ross teaches at NYU not Columbia University. Also besides Rachel, Ben and Emma's Birthday's May 15th is Monica & Chandler's anniversary and their twins Jack and Erica were born in May as well.

I forgot to add that this month is also the birthday of my twin cousins. These are the children of my dad's younger sister Monica and her husband Chandler. They live in the suburbs and my parents see them twice a month or so. Monica works as a fancy chef in a not so fancy restaurant and Chandler does something in advertising. He has a job of making bad movies seem entertaining enough to want to see. By doing so he's burned my parents at least four times. Erica and John (Jack) are my cousin's names, and they are two years younger than me. I have three other cousins. My mother has two sisters, both younger than her. Jill lives in Boston and is married, oddly enough, to a theologian and has two children, Vanessa and Nathan. Amy lives in Idaho and is married to one of the Republican senators there. They have a son named Jim. I do not like Aunt Amy at all. I'm sorry, but she never remembers my name, she criticizes the apartment where we live, she's unconsciously rude towards Dad, she's narrow-minded and treats me as if I were Petra's age, or more accurately as if I were Petra's age a few years ago.

Oddly enough, Monica and Chandler had a strange wedding. Well, actually it was a very normal wedding as far as I can tell. They were married Saturday, September 8, 2001. They left for their honeymoon on Monday, September 10, 2001. Oddly enough, that was the day Mom told Dad she was pregnant with me! Then the next day the World Trade Centre went boom. And that's about as close to history my family has ever been to.

I should proably say more about my cousins. Last year my parents suggested I use my allowance to get them something. So I got them "A Wrinkle in Time" and so far they haven't looked at it. This year I decided to get them "The Railway Children" and they will also probably not look at it.

One problem with my life is my sister Petra. No, that's a bit too harsh, but she is clearly Mom and Dad's favorite. They allow her to get away with all sorts of things. I mean, it's been that's way since the day she was born. Right away, when Aunt Monica came with the camcorder into the room where Mom and Dad were holding her after she was born. The thing that sticks out is when Dad says "I think everything is going to be all right." I was only three and a half when I heard that, but when I looked at the video a year ago I thought it might mean that Mom had a difficult pregnancy. But when I asked her she told me no, Petra was a very easy delivery. She only took an hour or so, unlike me who took a day or so to get out. So what was Dad referring to? That somehow after six years of marriage their marriage was still provisional? That my being born wasn't enough for them? Mom also has the habit of saying Petra was a wonderful anniversary gift. Well I was born three years after Mom and Dad were married. But they never call me an anniversary gift.

I'm probably reading too much into it. Still, I am somewhat annoyed at Petra. She has the most childish fears. Yes, she's a child, but come on, at nine and a half she shouldn't be cowering in her bed because of a thunderstorm. As I have been explaining to here since I was seven, thunder is not the sign of something bad happening, it is the loud noise that says we're all clear from the latest stroke of lightning. Of course, she's worried about being hit by lightning (in the apartment!). I tell her that New York City has 10 million people in it. There are lot of taller buildings to get all the lightning strikes. When was the last time anyone was hit by lightning? But Petra can't be reasoned with. Come to think of it, my family seems infected by all sorts of silly fears. Mom can't bear to put eyedrops in her eyes, and she seems to have an odd fear of swings. Dad is better, but he has a bit of a phobia about spiders. Thank God, I don't have any of those silly fears!

Today I met one of my parents' friends today. Actually she is so close we call her "Aunt Phoebe." Her name is Phoebe Buffay, and believe it or not she is the twin sister of the governor of New York! Actually I still can't believe Ursulla Buffay is the governor of New York. The New York Post says she's a brilliant, thoughtful populist who campaigns against the liberal elites. Well as her sister and my parents say, that's a crock. Anyway she is married to a man whom my father, sotto voce, has called the dullest man he ever met. She has one child, a son, who looks and acts very much like his father, and she two nieces and a nephew who hang around her a lot. Anyway I want to say she is a very nice person, if a little strange, because actually I was rather angry with her today. We had just entered the special Ice Cream salon that's been near my home for as long as I can remember, and Phoebe comes in bringing this HUGE DISGUSTING DOG. God Almighty, I despise Dogs. They're stupid, they're dirty, they defecate in public, and they start attacking people and making enormous barking sounds at the drop of a hat. And the dog COMES RIGHT ON MY LAP, even though I am making it very clear that I do not want the dog there in no uncertain terms. And Phoebe says why do I not like dogs, Petra likes them, well, obviously Petra has very poor critical judgement. Sometimes Dogs are so frightening, I just spend a few minutes trembling.

Ursula the Governer of New York ? I hated the ending of "Mad About You", it's fun and ironic that Paul & Jamie Buchman are oblivious to the fact that Ursula is pure evil. What would they say if they knew the things she's done ? Pornography useing her twins name as a psudonym , Lying , Smoking, selling Phoebe's birth certificate to a sweedish runaway. Ursula did NOT deserve to be in politics at the end of "Mad About You" the whole idea for that finalie was just stupid.

Well, it's June, and things are somewhat more calmed down than they were last month, although now I have to worry about my Grade 7 exams. Actually, the most interesting thing to happen involved yet another friend of my parents: Academy Award nominated Actor Joseph Tribianni, who was coming to visit New York in order to appear in a play. Yes, my parents almost know the most interesting people. They almost know the Governor of New York who, in contrast to what people might think from my previous entry, is not so much a horrible selfish person as someone who lives in her own little world, and forgets that other people are counting on her. She's got that "Chauncey Gardiner" thing. In the same way my parents almost know some of the hottest actors in Hollywood! But in fact, who they really know is an actor who was nominated because he was lucky to star in the only movie to get 13 acting nominations.

I've heard a lot of stories of "Joey" over the years, although he moved from New York when I was only two. Such as the story of how he got Aunt Monica's Turkey on his head, or how he was the striking captain of this glamorous yacht, and then he had to give it back because he totally couldn't afford it, or how he used to be a big Soap Opera star and would throw these really great parties to which he'd never invite mother because she would make a fool of herself, or how he married Aunt Monica and Uncle Chandler. I wonder if his memory is what it should be though. Today he told me that he used to know me very well when I was a baby. He even asked me if I still had that "Hugsy" Doll. Never heard of it. I mean it's silly for people to be so attatched to toys, though Petra STILL carries around that "Mr. Happy Puffin" doll with her everwhere. You're nine years old Petra, get over it. Anyway he then said he and Mom used to be roomates. "When was that?" "Let me see. Oh, yeah, it was in 2000 or so, a few months after Aunt Monica and Uncle Chandler had moved in together." "Um, uncle Joey, in 2000 my parents had already been married for several months." "Well, yeah, but then they got divorced almost immediately..." "What are you talking about?" And then Mom came in. And then Joey remembered, "Umm, no, I'm thinking about when Ross divorced Emily." "Who's Emily." I asked. And then Mom reminded Joey that he must have been thinking of when my father divorced his lesbian first wife. "Oh right. That must be it. What WAS I thinking?" Goodness, if I know.

Another strange thing happened today. I was looking through Mom's closet and I noticed some homemade videos, and I thought, Oh, these must be souvenirs and memories. They all went back to around the time when I was born or so. So, I decided to take to a closer look and I put in a video which showed me at about eleven months old walking in what must have been Central Park. And there was another one of me just fourteen months old where I was at my (paternal) grandma's, and I am talking. I am saying "cat". Just "cat", over and over again, because there was a kitten nearby. In the first video I was walking to Mom while I could overhear Dad who must have been holding the camera. In the second video, mom wasn't there, but there was this black woman who I vaguely recall was one of Dad's colleagues at the university.

Well, I'm not that intrinsically interesting a child and so I looked at the other video. As it turned out it consisted of nothing but Mom and Dad sealing envelopes for Aunt Monica's wedding. So it must have been around August 2001. The odd thing about it was that it wasn't in our apartment. I recognized from photos that it was actually in Uncle Joseph's apartment, across from Aunt Monica's. Meanwhile my parents had come home and were not paying particular attention to me. But then, this is where the real odd thing happened. I spoke to Mom, "There's something a bit odd about this video, Mom."

"How's that dear?"

"Well, it doesn't seem like you two are married, even though it's 2001. Now that I look closer at it, neither of you are wearing a wedding ring." [My parents always wear their wedding rings.] "And if I just heard it properly, neither of you have been sleeping with each other... Yick. Come to think of it, why are videotaping yourselves filling out invitations?"

And then I turned back to watch the video, and then for the next ten seconds nothing happened, until very abruptly both Mom and Dad leaped on me, grabbed the remote from me and ejected the tape.

"What did you do that for?" as Dad quckly put the video back in the case.

And both Mom and Dad stuttered and sputtered like they do when they are really in a crisis and don't know what to do. "Hello, why did you jump on me."

"We didn't jump on you."

"Uh, yeah you did. I was right there."

"Don't exaggerate, Emma. " said Dad. "Where did you get this video."

And I told him and Dad said that this was really one of Uncle Joseph's old tapes, and it was very odd, that it was here, and anyway Uncle Joseph did things on tapes that girls like me probably shouldn't be watching. Not that there might necessarily be anything on this tape, but it clearly was one of Uncle Joseph's tapes and it was here because we were on it, but it was clearly Joseph's because it was filmed in his apartment. STill didn't explain the conversation though.

lol...this is funny....what's next?lol...this is funny....what's next?_________________Rachel:Hello officer.Was I goin' a little too fast?
Ross:oh,dear lord.
Officer:licence please.
Rach:(to officer) oh,yeah,ok.you know,I had a dream I got stopped by an officer,and then he...well,you dont wanna hear the rest.
Ross:(to rach) He gave you a big...fat...ticket?