Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Name : Mr. AngryAge : Twenty-twelveLocation : Not London, but close enough.Vocation : Space explorer. Or do you mean the one I ended up choosing?Philosophy : Every single day someone, somewhere, does something stupid, and it is always funny. The more days when I am not that person, the better.

Sum up what your blog is about.Well, it is a bit mixed. If I see or hear something that annoys me, I write about it, and use the cutting weapon of satire to show the people involved as the fools they are. I also try and make myself look cool to attract chicks and that.

Why are you doing your blog?You mean other than to attract chicks? I did not even know what a blog was until December 2005 ("A diary on the Interweb? Are you mental?"), but my friends were always telling me I should 'write that down' when I would rant on in the pub about the day to day things that annoyed me. After just over a year of writing the blog, the things that would previously just make me angry now give me material and make me chuckle, which can only be a good thing I guess?

What's the funniest entry on your site?That is difficult for me to say. This entry went into the Shaggy Blog Stories book for Comic Relief, but I am not sure my ritual humiliation is that funny. For some reason my stupid readers seem to prefer the posts where I am the butt of the joke, which is not the point at all (see previous point about attracting chicks etc). They do not seem to get the ones with insightful social commentary about the important issues of the day like Politics, Global Warming and Jade Goody.

What is your writing style?I have absolutely no idea. I haven't done English since my GSCE's. I try and write the posts as if I was telling the story to someone in the pub, or emailing a friend. Ask others what my style is and they will probably say something like, 'juvenile'.

What do people commonly say about your site?Fortunately people seem to like it. I put the nice things they say in the testimoanials. I am particularly proud of "Seems not bad".

What would you be doing if you weren't doing your blog?I would probably have a proper hobby, and I'd still regaling people with my stories in the pub, but with slightly higher blood pressure.

Why should someone visit your site?Because the other 100 million or so sites are rubbish. And generally speaking, if something has annoyed them, the chances are I've written about it at one point or another.

What did you learn from your first love?How to say my sister is fourteen and likes to play table football at the weekend (in French, I was not in remedial classes or anything). She was ace. I looked her up on Friends Reunited recently, and she had become fat. She could have had me if she had stayed fit, which is a shame, for her.

Are there any blogs, you enjoy reading?Lots of them. The ones listed on my sidebar are the ones I read regularly, most of which are funny, with some current affairs and personal ones thrown in as well. You have already interviewed a couple of my favourites in Richard Herring and JonnyB. Twenty Major is also very good indeed.

If you could invite anyone to a dinner party who would it be and why?Elizabeth Shue (from 1988, you need a why?), my first love (also from 1988, or actually a little bit older than she was in 1988 - I am not a pervert - but she must still be fit), Stephen Hawking (I like the idea of asking him lots of question, but then unplugging him when he gets tiresome. I would also like to install one of those comedy satellite navigation voices on his computer. He would sound good as Ozzie Osbourne), Steve Merchant (underrated as a comedic writer, and with a funny accent to boot), and Gandhi (because he looked like he needed a good feed).

How do you chill out after a stressful day?Chill out? What is that?What never fails to make you angry?People that fail to recognise their own stupidity, and continue to believe they are right, and behaving appropriately, even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

Tell us about a good deed you have done recently.This happened a couple of weeks ago. I think it counts as a 'good deed'. Sort of.

Tell us a random funny story that comes to mind.Esther Rantzen once called me a f*cking imbecile under her breath, I think. Err, I guess you had to be there.

What advice would you have given yourself 5 years ago?Remortgage the flat and put it all on Arsenal to win the FA Cup final 2-0 against Chelsea. And dump your girlfriend, she will cheat on you in 18 months if you don't. And don't go to Faliraki this summer, you will get the shits and it will be rubbish.

Any interesting travel stories?I got arrested in Rome about ten years ago, it was a misunderstanding, of course, but I think that it is a distinct possibility that I am still a fugitive from the Law in that country. Which is a shame, what with me liking Pizzas and Spaghetti Bolognese.

What's the most incredible thing that ever happened to you?I was on holiday in Dubai a few years ago and met Michael Vaughan in the hotel Reception area (he was/is England cricket Captain and was on his honeymoon), I was in the lift two minutes later with my then girlfriend waxing on about how much of a fan of his I was, and how he was one of my top three favourite sportspeople, along with Tiger Woods and Paul Gascoigne, when someone coughed behind me. It was Paul Gasgoigne. I looked skywards and corrected myself by saying, "My top four includes Anna Kournikova by the way". He was a very nice bloke actually, but much smaller than you'd imagine.

Now it's your turn! Ask me one question, anything you like.

I'm thinking of getting out of technology stocks and investing more in the emerging markets. Is this wise?

Joe Blogs : It's possibly the wisest thing I have heard today. Technology stocks are out, putting people in the stocks is in. Stocks and Cher's voice is in. Emerging markets are always good to invest in, just beware of boom and bust.

Check out Mr Angry's blog as you can see from this interview he is a funny guy.

What do people commonly say about your site?Well, I'm not really sure, but the funniest thing people say is: "I'll trade you a blue paperclip for your house!"

What would you be doing if you weren't doing your blog?I'd probably move to Northern Alberta and pull petroleum products from the earth to make as much money as possible and then spend it in the most outrageous ways imaginable.

Why should someone visit your site?It is nice. I also plan to pay every visitor a few dollars just to swing on by.

What did you learn from your first love?I learned to love Monster Ballads by 1980s hair bands such as White Lion, Europe, and The Underdog Project.

If you could invite anyone to a dinner party who would it be and why?Al Roker. I want to shake his hand. Again.

You traded up from a paperclip to a house, what are you currently trading?My time to answer a questionnaire.

Do you see yourself as a lucky person?Yes, but not nearly as lucky as this woman

Tell us about a good deed you have done recently.I gave this bloke 100 dollars, click here

Tell us a random funny story that comes to mind.Wow, tough question! But I think I have one. Well, this one time, after a long an arduous journey, I traveled to Quebec and surprisingly enough, bumped into the legendary Retired Movie Star Dave Leroux. After drinking copious amounts of wine, I finally garnered enough courage to approach RMSDL and managed to coax a few minutes out of his busy schedule! Amazingly, we sat together in a pine restaurant booth, and over a steaming plate of delicious poutine we discussed, among other things, fame, fortune, retirement, and our wild youth. It was so random! And really funny!

What advice would you have given yourself 5 years ago?In five years you will answer question from a man named Matt Clarke. Prepare for it. Or else.

Joe Blogs : I've been called many things but unfortunately not that. Yet. Who'd have thought stationary could be so lucrative. I think you'd make a great ruler. Check out Kyle's Blog for his incredible story.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Hi, I’ve had some great interviews since my last post. Including with Jeffrey Archer and Iain Dale. Here's some topical news for you.

The British military has launched a Skynet Satellite into space to help it send information more quickly, at a cost of £2.6bn. Allegedly the Greeks were set to launch a dish but they smashed it on the floor.

The residents of Branscombe beach in Devon have been asked to be volunteers in a clean up operation after the Napoli container ship grounded. Removing plastic from the beach, Pamela Anderson was reportedly towed away.

There was a fight that broke out at Liz Hurley’s wedding in India, between security and the following paparazzi. So plenty of hurleyburley then.

TV shows are awash with alcohol drinkers according to reports, and therefore encouraging teens to drink. Do teens need any encouraging? Shows like The OC are set to have their content changed and be called The OJ. What you need is smoothies drinking smoothies.

Author Jeanette Winterson left an unpublished novel on a tube train. Maybe she thought it could do with another line. If I found a unpublished Stephen King novel on a train, I know it’d be worth millions, but I’d have a quick read first. If Pamela Anderson left a novel on a train it would probably be Boob Tube.

A 52 year old female motorist in England, caused chaos on a train railway recently. She stopped at a train level crossing, her Sat Nav told her to turn left, and she drove onto a train track. Sometimes artificial intelligence can be very artificial. Maybe in the future Sat Nav systems will give relationship advice, move on with your life, take the road less travelled, don't forget to pick up guacamole etc.

A school kid wrote in to 10 Downing Street with suggestions on how to combat global warming. The government replied suggesting recycling and using both sides of a piece of paper was a good idea. They had sent a 2 page letter back. You could reply back but that's another bit of paper.

Quiz shows in the UK have come under the spotlight for claims of making up winners, keeping phone lines open when the competition is closed, and being downright boring. You just know the people who invented the quizzes used to cheat on Monopoly, laundering money, used a stair lift on Snakes And Ladders, spoke words in Charades, or played eye spy with my little night vision telescopic goggles.

A panda in China has lost it's limb and scientists are appealing for help on making an artificial one. My Homer Simpson soap on a rope has also lost a leg, any suggestions?

Here are some fascinating facts revealed under The Freedom Of Information Act.

The Thatcher government concocted a plan to find the Loch Ness monster using a bunch of dolphins. For what porpoise I’m not sure.

Tony Blair has spent £2000 of tax payers money on cosmetics in the last 6 years. That’s a lot of money but you could say he has many faces.

More than 300 weapons were seized from children in one year, including an improvised flame thrower. I was used to RPG(Role Play Games) when I was younger not Rocket Propelled Grenades.

And finally, the stupidest headline of the week has to be, ‘Subliminal messages do reach your brain, but you won’t know it.’

As a successful novel writer, where do the inspirations for your books come from?

This is the question I am most asked, and the one that I am simply unable to answer – I have no idea.

What lessons have you learned from working in the political arena?

I haven’t got an hour to answer this question.

If you could invite anyone to a dinner party who would it be and why?

Thomas Jefferson to talk to him about the forming of the American Constitution and the early days of the Washington Presidency; Nelson Mandela, to ask him how he was able to maintain such a dignified stance on leaving prison, and Annette Benning, who I’ve been mad about for longer than I care to admit.

What policy would you most like to action in government?

Getting rid of the clock change - only the Scots in Cabinet and government hold it up.

What advice would you have given yourself 5 years ago?

Keep fit.

Any interesting travel stories?

I hate travel, I hate planes, trains, cars – I view them only as a necessity.

What’s the most incredible thing that ever happened to you?

Going to prison.

Joe Blogs : The famous Lord Jeffrey Archer kindly answered my questions, and quite revealing they are too. He doesn't use a computer and dictates his blog, that's when you know you've made it Jeffrey!

Jeffrey has an impressive CV, being a very successful author and renowned former politician. Jeffrey has been published in 63 countries and more than 32 languages with international sales of more than 125 million copies, a couple of his famous books being, Kane And Abel, and The Fourth Estate, to name but two.

His political life has had many highs, and he is undoubtedly a great leader, he was a member of parliament for Louth for 5 years, a former Deputy Chairman of the Conservative party for 1 year, a Conservative Party Candidate for London Mayor, and was made a Life Peer by the Queen in 1992. Jeffrey was charged with perjury and conspiracy to pervert the course of justice in 2001, and was released in July 2003 having served 2 years in prison. He published 3 volumes of his prison diaries, Volume I Hell, Volume II Purgatory, and Volume III Heaven.

Oh and just a wonderful random fact to round off, in 1966 he ran 100 yards in 9.6 seconds for Great Britain!

So all in all a complex character with a very interesting life, and I have only touched the surface in my profile here. It is well worth checking out his blog, and literary works. And thanks again for taking part Jeffrey.

P.S. You mention your first love taught you a passion for art. I can relate because when in San Francisco I lost my 'art.

If you could invite anyone to a dinner party who would it be and why?Richard Nixon - a truly complicated, fascinating and misunderstood man.

What one website would you recommend and why?18 Doughty Street.com - it's where I appear live for three hours every night!

Tell us about a good deed you have done recently.I gave away my FA Cup Final ticket to a friend who has been following West Ham for 40 years but didn't get a ticket. I hated doing it, but I knew I had to. Everything came out right in the end as someone then gave me a ticket at the last minute.

As a former Conservative party candidate, how would you engage people in politics more?There's got to me more of a dialogue. Politicians tend to talk at people. They need to be on 'receive' as well as 'broadcast'. The internet is great in this regard and really helps politicians speak to bespoke groups.

What one policy would you most like to action in government?Establish an English Parliament.

Tell us a random funny story that comes to mind.Bill Clinton is on the beach at Martha's Vinyard and finds that an old bottle has washed ashore. When the Prez opens it, a very pale Genie snakes out.Genie : Hi Bill, I'm a very weak genie so I can only grant you one wish and it had better be easy if you want me to do it.Clinton : I pray for world peace, give me thatGenie : That's a little hard, give me something easier.Clinton : Make Hillary into the most beautiful woman in the world?Genie : World peace it is then.

Joe Blogs : Topical joke there Iain. Wow I never thought I'd get a former politician to answer one question, let alone the several I asked here! Iain Dale is the highest profile interview I have had in the British political arena. Iain stood in a general election for the Conservative party in Norfolk North in 2005, and acted as the chief of staff to Rt Hon David Davis MP, in the recent Conservative Party leadership campaign.

Currently Iain Dale works as a freelance broadcaster, and has many credits including being a regular newspaper reviewer on BBC News 24, and writer for publications. He is often invited on to programmes as a political pundit or analyst. So it's great that Iain was able to answer my questions, and maybe engage more people in politics. I'd recommend you look at his blog, which is by all accounts one of the best political blogs in the UK. It highlights current affairs, and the ins an outs of politics in the UK. This is all done with a dash of humour, and the odd exclusive!

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Hi, just an update, check out new interviews with Andrew Collins, famed BBC radio presenter and broadcaster, and writer of Blog, Never Knowingly Underwhelmed. Also check out my interview with Jennifer Jones author of Blog, How To Tell If A Guy Is A Jerk. As always you can check out the archive.

So, in the news, an 80 year old woman from Florida crashes into a driving test centre, on the day of her test. She accelerated too hard and went through a wall in the driving test waiting room, injuring 11 people. Well they say Florida is God’s waiting room, but I didn't know he was a driving examiner. Imagine if God was taking the test.

God : OK son, buckle up, and choose your path.Learner Driver : I'm not sure where to turn.God : Look for a sign.Learner Driver : Ah, I see it's a one way system straight ahead, who's that person making faces at me Lord, on the sidewalk there?.God : Don't pay any attention son, turn the other cheek...Aggggh, but keep your eyes on the road!Learner Driver : So hows my driving God? It's pretty awesome isn't it?(Bump)God : Oh My... You just hit that little old lady, I told you pride comes before a fall!Learner Driver : Ooops I'm sorry God, I'll make it up to you.God : OK now you just need to turn in here and park to complete the test. Not so fast!CRASH!God : What have you done?Learner Driver : God knows..well you told me to turn over a new jeep.

The Dutch have been working on innovative floating eco-homes, to combat floods and the rising sea level. So Waterworld could really be a reality with talk of floating city's. Where Australian Olympian Ian Thorpe will rule the world with his size 17 feet, and people will have genetically modified webbed feet. That's my prediction for the future.

Silicon has been found in petrol in the UK, so that's what they mean by inflating prices.

Here's a selection of my favourite pictures from the past week. Thanks to David over at his hilarious site The Spine, as featured in my interview.

Friday, March 02, 2007

Name :Choochoo (well, no. Not really)Age : 27.Location : Hellhole.Vocation : Student and writer (= broke) and professional complainer.Philosophy : Someone ought to give me money just for being me.

Sum up what your blog is about.Well, basically it’s a collection of all the strange stuff that is allowed to go on inside my mind when there's nobody there to stop me.

Why are you doing your blog?I'd like to say that it’s because it’s about all things important and that it's got all sorts of deep meanings, but that would be a blatant lie. Mostly it’s because of boredom.

What’s the funniest entry on your site?Oh, its all brilliant stuff, of course and I would highly recommend that everyone reads it all. But if I absolutely have to pick one, I'd choose the one from 22/02, about the guy who got shot by his dog. Basically, because I find the idea of being shot by a pet funny, but also because my long-term blogging memory sucks.

What is your writing style?Am I supposed to have style? Damn, I thought it was enough to just show up...

What do people commonly say about your site?The word "therapy" keeps coming up. I have no idea why. A friend once told me that if I had a wild, exciting life somewhere civilized, in stead of just blogging out of boredom, it would be the best blog ever. My ego just sucked that one right up and swelled like you wouldn't believe. And I liked it.

What would you be doing if you weren’t doing your blog?It would probably be a toss-up between watching TV or shovelling the driveway.

Why should someone visit your site?If nobody ever visited my site, there would be no point in blogging and then I'd have to shovel the driveway, which depresses the hell out of me. You wouldn't really want to be responsible for that, would you?

What did you learn from your first love?I had my first love when I was eight years old. It was Cary Grant, who was both gay and dead. Eventually I learned to not develop crushes on men unless they were alive, straight and in colour.

Are there any blogs, you enjoy reading?Sure. Too many. I have a whole link list on my site. See, there's another good reason to visit, right there.

If you could invite anyone to a dinner party who would it be and why?Cary Grant. Okay, so I'm not -completely- over it. So shoot me.

What one website would you recommend and why?I always check PostSecret every Sunday. It's fascinating.

Tell us about a good deed you have done recently.I made a donation when the National Organization Against Crib Death called not that long ago. That made me feel like a real grown-up. But then they started calling me almost every day, and I had all sorts of ugly thoughts about them, so I'm thinking that I might have blown whatever karma I racked up there...

What are the people like in Hickville?They drive tractors everywhere and they're very religious. Not normal religions, mind you. They have weird sect religions. They also wear overalls a lot.

Tell us a random funny story that comes to mind.A few years ago we rented a very nice cabin on a very nice island in a very nice forest. Around the cabin, there were sheep, some of which were nice and some weren't. I once went there with my uncle and my cousin. My uncle, being slightly odd, spent the evening playing heavy metal songs on a ukulele. This drove the sheep into what could only be described as a mad frenzy. They broke through the fence and crapped absolutely everywhere. That was funny. At least it was once we put some distance between ourselves and the huge piles of sheep-crap.

What advice would you have given yourself 5 years ago?Get over yourself, for crying out loud!

Any interesting travel stories?I once went to Bulgaria where I gave several lifeguards a fright (or many frights) by floating face-down in the water as if I'd drowned. In my defence, I wasn't very old. Old enough to know better, but young enough to ignore that fact.

What’s the most incredible thing that ever happened to you?That might be the thing with the sheep. I feel as if I really learned something about those woolly creatures that day.

Now it’s your turn! Ask me one question, anything you like.

What did you do on September 9th 1998?

Joe Blogs : Oh good question. This is like those what were you doing during JFK assassination or 911 questions. Okay so 9th September 1998, I'm not sure exactly what I was doing that day. I was 17 so probably not up too much good. I was enrolled at college doing A Levels in Media, Sociology, and English Literature. I was probably still getting over England's poor showing in the World Cup come to think of it.

So that's me, it begs the question what were you doing on that day Choochoo?

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Name : Jennifer JonesAge : I’m the perfect age!Location : VirginiaVocation : Therapist, yoga teacher, musicianPhilosophy : The universe is calling forth the goodness and creativity within each of us to further the unfolding our the story.

Sum up what your blog is about.How to Tell if a Guy is a Jerk, is my attempt to lightheartedly help women find great men, and to help great men be found!

Why are you doing your blog?I encounter many women who need some help in finding a great guy, and there are great men who need help to be found!

What is the funniest entry on your site?I posted about a device known as a “Jerk meter”… this is a real devise used by scientists to measure jerks. I’m not kidding. I randomly discovered there was such a thing and decided my blog is actually Jerk meter. The post may not really be that funny but for some reason, the idea of brilliant, scientists all sitting around studying jerks with their Jerk meter just made me laugh!

What is your writing style?For this blog, I write as if I am writing to all my girlfriends who have made some poor choices in finding a partner. On occasion however, I do find myself switching into counselor mode but mostly it is lighthearted and positive!

What do people commonly say about your site?Everyone (with one exception), who has commented on my site has praised it! What is surprising is how many men totally love this site! I think it validates them because they are really great guys! I’ve had tons of women tell me they wish they had found the site earlier!

What would you be doing if you weren’t doing your blog?My free time is my blogging time so if I didn’t blog I would be finishing up art projects, gardening, reading, or working on some research project!

Why should someone visit your site?Single women looking for a great guy should definitely read this blog to assist them in finding a really terrific man. I’ve also had lots of dad’s recommend this site to their daughters so parents that want their daughter to stop hooking out with not-so-great guys may find it helpful. I put a lot of effort into making this blog very positive toward men… it really celebrates their goodness and highlights the fact that women don’t need to settle for jerks. There are great men out there!

What did you learn from your first love?My current love is my first and only true love. I’ve learned about life, about myself, about relationships, about what it means to be partner, and what it means to truly love and be loved.

Are there any blogs, you enjoy reading?I have several. I really enjoy blogs that give me something to ponder, something that expands my mind and heart and experience of life, or something that enriches my soul!

If you could invite anyone to a dinner party who would it be and why?I have a very LONG list of people with whom I would like to chat…Mostly scientists, spiritual masters, and, enlightened thinkers… Stephen Hawking, Brian Swimme, Robert Wright, Ursula Goodenough, come immediately to mind.

What one website would you recommend and why?I have numerous great sites I would recommend, but Greg Laden’s “Evolution – it’s not just a theory anymore”, is really important and timely for our world.

Tell us about a good deed you have done recently.I decided to dedicate some of my blogging time to the individual needs of readers who contact me. Communicating with readers has been a big blessing in my life.

So can you summarize, how can you tell if a guy is a jerk?It comes down to two things…. Women need to live consciously and listen to their gut! So many women ignore important warning signs, and they ignore their own heart and mind. I am hoping to help women more clearly identify what is or is not a truly great man. The things that make a man great have more to do with integrity, decency, and respect than they do how much money they have, what kind of car they drive, or how powerful is their job!

On the flip side, how can you tell if a woman is not right for you?I think for both men and women, the secret to finding someone right for you is to really know yourself, and to know what is important to you. Being really clear about what you want in your life and in your relationship makes a big difference.

What advice would you have given yourself 5 years ago?As long as I can remember, I’ve needed the same advice… be true to yourself, listen to your heart, follow your dreams. I still need this! LOL!

Any interesting travel stories?I’ve had some amazing adventures… my most exotic travel experience was living in a very, VERY remote native Alaskan village for a summer. No, electricity, no phones, no cars…. It was wild!

What’s the most incredible thing that ever happened to you?I’ve had some amazing experiences but the two most profound are: Knowing and experiencing love, and giving birth.

Ask me one question, anything you like.What can we do to heal the world and bring goodness to our lives?

Joe Blogs : Brings to mind a Michael Jackson song. Um, I don't know, if we all treated each other as we would want to be treated is a good one. Quite a big question really. Charity begins at home I say, does that make me a jerk? Or the fact that I sometimes wear mismatching socks, and misuse apostrophes, how do I rate on the Jerk meter?

Joe Blogs

Welcome, I'm Mr Joe Blogs. On this site, I'll be taking a comedic look at world events, and interviewing interesting people & bloggers. Carrying on a fine family tradition, that goes back to Grandpa Blogs, as seen in the movie Blogs Of War, directed By Stephen Spielblog. Feel free to email me, or leave a comment :) matt_clarke1981@hotmail.com