Wednesday, September 24, 2014

BREAKING NEWS: SYRIA EDITION

President Barack Obama made a public statement following the second wave of attacks against Islamic State forces in Syria.

Speaking from New York, where the President is delivering a speech to the United Nations General Assembly later today, Mr. Obama said, "I would like to thank the brave men and women of the United States armed forces for their part in helping destroy ISIL strongholds. But tribute must be made to Congress as well. In refusing to even debate the idea of attacking a country that we aren't at war with, just so they don't have to take a stand until after the midterm elections, our elected officials have once again shown what they're made of. Oh, and I'd also like to give a shout-out to the aid given by our Arab allies."

Moments later, Speaker of the House John Boehner and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid gave a joint statement via speakerphone from an undisclosed location. "I think I can speak for my friend John when I say that, when push comes to shove, we in Congress are happy to behave as cravenly as possible," Mr. Reid said. "As you know, many of us are running scared right now, and are doing whatever we can to cover our asses in order to get re-elected. And that means not taking a principled stand on something as important as dropping bombs and missiles on a country that we couldn't even spell if you spotted us the vowels."

Mr. Boehner then spoke up. "My friend Harry said it all. And I'd like to reassure the country that we Republicans, who could have gone on the record one way or another before the attack on Syria, will be happy to do so immediately after Election Day. We will condemn the President as 'misguided' and committing 'a blatant power-grab' if the mission goes kablooey. And we will very grudgingly give him credit if it seems to be going well, while still demanding to be kept in the loop we willingly stepped out of. The business of the American people continues!"