Bitch Media - sexhttp://bitchmagazine.org/taxonomy/term/9610/0
enIn "Magic Mike XXL," the Star of the Show is Women's Pleasurehttp://bitchmagazine.org/post/in-magic-mike-xxl-the-star-of-the-show-is-womens-pleasure
<p class="normal"><img src="http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/style-blog/files/2015/06/MMXXL-T1-01rC_image.jpg" alt="" width="670" height="300" /></p>
<p class="normal">I’m a movie-lover, and I especially enjoy going to movies in the theater with my girlfriends. In general, I am that person who side-eyes or even shushes anyone who dares utter even a little “<em>psst</em>” during a movie screening. But this past weekend, I joined the ranks of the most raucous theater-goers I’ve ever encountered. I attended a screening of <em>Magic Mike XXL</em>, which, I will tell you now in case you haven’t already heard, truly achieves magic for viewers. Grab a hand towel and cue up the Ginuwine, everyone.&nbsp;</p>
<p class="normal">I’d heard rumblings about this movie on Twitter from one of my favorite contemporary feminist writers, Roxane Gay, so I was thrilled to rush home after the movie to read Gay’s much-talked about recap of the film: <a href="http://the-toast.net/2015/07/01/magic-mike-xxl-recap/" target="_blank">I Wanted to Hug Him Every Part of Him With My Mouth</a>. Gay’s re-telling of the visuals and the plot are far better than I could ever hope to explain myself, so I’m not going to attempt to top her. In fact, the film has received<a href="http://www.thestranger.com/film/feature/2015/07/01/22482124/magic-mike-xxl-is-the-feminist-male-stripper-movie-youve-been-waiting-for"> </a><a href="http://www.thestranger.com/film/feature/2015/07/01/22482124/magic-mike-xxl-is-the-feminist-male-stripper-movie-youve-been-waiting-for">a lot of feminist acclaim</a>, and it’s well deserved. The sex-positivity, body-positivity, and OMG-kill-me-now hot hot <em>hot</em> (straight) female gaze of the film is… an experience. That’s what I want to talk about: the life-affirming, rowdy, and extremely pleasurable experience that is a theater viewing of <em>Magic Mike XXL</em>.</p>
<p class="normal">What thrilled me most about watching <em>XXL</em> was not necessarily what happened onscreen—it’s what happened in the audience. At the screening I attended, the theater was almost entirely women. That’s how the audience for the film has been across the country: Women account for<a href="http://www.forbes.com/sites/natalierobehmed/2015/07/06/magic-mike-xxl-and-the-female-future-of-r-rated-movies/"> </a><a href="http://www.forbes.com/sites/natalierobehmed/2015/07/06/magic-mike-xxl-and-the-female-future-of-r-rated-movies/">96 percent of people who bought tickets to </a><a href="http://www.forbes.com/sites/natalierobehmed/2015/07/06/magic-mike-xxl-and-the-female-future-of-r-rated-movies/"><em>Magic Mike XXL</em></a>. That is the most female-dominated audience for a blockbuster film ever (<em>Sex and the City</em>, as a point of comparison, had a 90 percent female audience). This is a film made with women in mind—and that’s a big deal. While women buy 52 percent of theater tickets annually, we’re routinely sidelined by the film industry in many, many ways. But <em>Magic Mike</em> is unabashedly going after straight female ticket-buyers. And they’re doing a very good job of it. Watching the film in a theater full of women made my experience at the movie so much better.</p>
<p class="normal"><img src="/sites/default/files/u2583/mmxxl-main.jpg" alt="" width="670" /></p>
<p class="normal">In general, a movie theater is a place where you’re expected to hush. More generally, as women, we’re often told to be quiet and demure and to take up as little space as possible. The <em>Magic Mike XXL</em> theater experience turned both of these expectations upside down, creating a sexy, joyful straight-lady freak out. There were shouts of “Amen!” and “Hallelujah!” There were sassy “<em>mmmmmhmm!”s, </em>giggles, guffaws, shouts, clapping, fanning, and shrieking. It was a gleeful and riotous celebration of what we find sexy. I went with one of my best friends, Leslie, whose shoulder I was nudging and slapping throughout the movie whenever something sexy happened. <em>Whack</em>! “Holy shit how much simulated oral sex are they going to show…? More! More!” <em>Whack!</em> “Do you see Channing Tatum humping that metal grinder?!” We kept looking at each other and cracking up. We were loud. We were giddy. And we weren’t alone. Throughout the movie, I kept glancing over at my fellow lady viewers. They were burying their faces in the collars of their shirts and hooting at the screen. Jaws dropped. Eyes widened. Together, we were unapologetically enjoying sexiness and our collective female gaze.&nbsp;</p>
<p class="normal">That kind of experience is all too rare. This public display of raw female sexuality was welcome counter-experience to watching many films, where misogyny is casually tossed around right and left and female sexual desire is not often acknowledged. My friends and I are usually much more likely to share an eye-roll at a stereotypical female character onscreen than have the chance to revel together over a deliciously sexy moment. So part of what made watching <em>Magic Mike XXL</em> magical was the pure shock factor; not just of the shiny, naked male bodies, but having it sink in that this movie is for <em>us</em>.&nbsp;</p>
<p class="normal">While this film has, of course, received so much praise from feminists for the very fact that it so thoroughly celebrates at least the female gaze, there's been pushback to the idea that <em>XXL</em> is progressive in any way. In the film, men’s bodies are clearly objectified. Does the movie display men's bodies for the pleasure of female viewers? Absolutely. Does this mean that the movie is not feminist? Definitely not. This film is a celebration of sexuality.&nbsp;</p>
<p class="normal">The manner in which male bodies are objectified in this film, I'd argue, is qualitatively different from the ways we see women's bodies portrayed in your run-of-the-mill flick. The men in this film are 100 percent in control of their image, they are empowered by displaying their naked bodies, and they really want to please women and have fun doing it. There's a scene in which the group of male entertainers encourages "Big Dick" Richie to dirty dance in a convenience store, specifically to make the woman working as the cashier laugh. Richie needed a confidence boost, and the way to do that was to bring delight to a woman who looked like she needed to be cheered up. These men <em>want </em>to be admired by onlookers. It's why they do what they do. Further, this film is all about consent, consent, consent for both women and men. All of the women who attend the strip shows want to be there. They want to be sexed up and entertained and treated like sexual goddesses. They want to participate in a fantasy, and they're apparently willing to spend several hundred $1 bills in a night to prove it (hello, enthusiastic "yes!").&nbsp;</p>
<p class="normal"><img src="/sites/default/files/u2583/magic-mike-xxl-jada-pinkett-smith-channing-tatum-600x400.jpg" alt="" width="670" height="420" /></p>
<p class="normal" style="padding-left: 90px;"><em>Jada Pinkett Smith and Channing Tatum share a moment in </em>Magic Mike XXL.</p>
<p class="normal">While the film is legitimately sexy, it certainly runs on the camp side. This is the nature of celebrating anything in a completely unmitigated fashion. What you want from the film is what you get: hot, naked guys. There is no teasing or subtlety. The movie is over-the-top in a pornographic sense. But this is also part of the "hell yes" feminist factor of the film. They're saying, "Straight women of the world: Take this and enjoy it." I don't want to apologize for finding men sexually attractive and going for it. I don't want to be embarrassed or shy about that. Sometimes I just want to scream it from the rooftops. <em>XXL </em>has given me and literally millions of other women the opportunity to do exactly that. Even better: We've had the opportunity to do it in the company of other women, affirming and validating our collective sexual desires and sensibilities <em>in public</em>. This isn’t something women are often really allowed to do. The experience of viewing this film in the theater can be read as a model for how sex can be celebrated publicly—not with gross catcalls and unwanted “flirtations” from men, but rather as a consensual celebration, where everyone is empowered and it's a damn good time.&nbsp;</p>
<p class="normal">While the main characters in film are all men, the star of the show really is women's pleasure. It's the focus and the underlying theme from which every scene plays out. It might be "about" a group of male strippers, but the message and intention of the film is clear: Women who like men should leave this film flushed, blushing, and perhaps most importantly, extremely happy to be women.&nbsp;</p>
<p class="normal">When the film ended, I actually stood up and clapped. I was riding a pleasure-high. Not only because there was devastatingly sexy dancing, strip-teasing, simulated sex and just oh so many abs, but because I got to share this sexually charged joy with so many other women, who were equally as thrilled. An experience like that is exceptionally hard to come by.</p>
<p class="normal">Or, you know, easy to come by.&nbsp;</p>
<p class="normal"><em>Related Reading: <a href="http://bitchmagazine.org/post/watching-feminist-porn-with-strangers-book" target="_blank">The Virtues of Watching Feminist Porn with Strangers</a></em></p>
<p><em>Elizabeth King is a freelance writer and non-profit coordinator living in Chicago, IL. Feel free to say hi on Twitter&nbsp;<a href="https://twitter.com/@ekingc" target="_blank">@ekingc</a>.</em></p>
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http://bitchmagazine.org/post/in-magic-mike-xxl-the-star-of-the-show-is-womens-pleasure#commentssexMoviesTue, 28 Jul 2015 23:21:00 +0000Elizabeth King32545 at http://bitchmagazine.orgAdult Industry Professionals Weigh in on "Hot Girls Wanted" http://bitchmagazine.org/post/adult-industry-professionals-weigh-in-on-hot-girls-wanted
<p dir="ltr"><img src="/sites/default/files/u2583/screen_shot_2015-06-29_at_1.03.23_pm.png" alt="" width="670" height="365" /></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>In the trailer for </em>Hot Girls Wanted<em>, a young, aspiring porn star peruses her options.&nbsp;</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em><a href="http://www.hotgirlswantedmovie.com/" target="_blank">Hot Girls Wanted</a> </em>is one of the most-talked-about documentaries of 2015, thanks in no small part to the star power of executive producer Rashida Jones and the film’s titillating tagline (“A Documentary about Porn, the Internet and the Girl Next Door”). Add a few glowing early reviews from <em><a href="http://variety.com/2015/film/reviews/sundance-film-review-hot-girls-wanted-1201416703/" target="_blank">Variety</a> </em>and <em><a href="http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/review/hot-girls-wanted-sundance-review-767210" target="_blank">The Hollywood Reporter</a></em> into the mix, and it’s no wonder Netflix nabbed the documentary shortly after its premiere at Sundance in January.</p>
<p dir="ltr">The film takes aim at the burgeoning amateur porn industry, which is expanding as online porn consumption grows. “It just felt like it was time to maybe investigate a little deeper into the industry,”<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?t=126&amp;v=lj5LnpHmw6E"> Jones told TODAY</a> during a recent media blitz in support of the film. “It’s a totally unregulated industry.”</p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>Hot Girls Wanted </em>chronicles a few months in the lives of a group of young women between the ages of 18 and 25 who believe they’ve found a source of reliable income and maybe even the promise of fame in the form of a dubious agent, Riley, and his Miami-based amateur talent company, Hussie Models. If there’s one place where the film truly succeeds, it’s in making Riley look like a total ass—the exploitative 23-year-old “manager” does little more than drive the girls to shoots and mess around on the Internet, but he takes a cut of their pay in addition to collecting rent. Using frequent shots of the actresses’ Twitter accounts and YouTube views, the film chronicles their rapid rise to relative stardom in the age of the Internet and the pitfalls of the industry in which they’ve chosen to work.</p>
<p dir="ltr">But despite its ostensibly do-gooder goals, the film has caused a bit of an uproar among the porn industry’s actresses, producers, and scholars. In fact, University of Nevada, Las Vegas Gender and Sexuality Studies Associate Professor Lynn Comella, who studies media, gender, and sexual politics, says the doc lost her at its opening montage. The film opens with a barrage of media images largely unconnected to porn, including everything from Miley Cyrus’s “Adore You” video to <em>50 Shades of Grey</em> to American Apparel ads to Belle Knox, “the Duke University porn star.”</p>
<p dir="ltr">“Are we supposed to see that pornography is pornifying our pop culture representations of women, and then those pornified images of women are feeding back into the desires of young women who then use pornography as a stepping stone?” Comella asks. “There wasn’t a context to interpret, and the slippage was confusing and conflating really different media forms.” The filmmakers don’t return to pop culture for the remainder of the documentary—it’s a setup for a connection that’s never fully formed.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Comella refers to the film as a reality-tv-style production rather than a fact-based documentary—she jokes that it could have justifiably been titled <em>The Real World: Amateur Porn Miami</em>.</p>
<p dir="ltr"><img src="/sites/default/files/u2583/porn654-body-image-1423080091.jpg" alt="hot girls wanted poster" width="670" height="410" /></p>
<p dir="ltr">That opening sequence is one of a number of choices in <em>Hot Girls Wanted</em> that porn scholars found irresponsible. According to its credits, the flick was researched by Debby Herbenick and Bryant Paul of the Kinsey Institute, but there are no “expert” voices in the film—no professors, no porn researchers. The only factual context to frame the girls’ experiences are black-and-white screens of text that present alarming statistics about the amateur porn industry. &nbsp;That’s intentional, say directors Jill Bauer and Ronna Gradus. They shot the documentary in a style similar to that of their first film, a 2012 documentary about porn, social media and pop culture called <em>Sexy Baby</em>. “We enjoy vérité storytelling, so we really just wanted to let the people in the film speak for themselves and not have talking heads,” says Gradus. “We personally just enjoy those [other] films less as viewers.”</p>
<p dir="ltr">But Comella points out that one of the facts presented onscreen is wrong. In one still, the text reads “California recently passed a law requiring the use of condoms in pornography,” which is not exactly right—Los Angeles County passed that law. (“That’s the kind of error that I wouldn’t even let an undergraduate student get away with in an undergraduate paper,” Comella says.) Another slide posits that “more people visit porn sites each month than Netflix, Amazon, and Twitter combined,” a claim that, when Googled, delivers&nbsp;<a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/05/03/internet-porn-stats_n_3187682.html">promotional materials from a porn site that no longer exists</a>, as Susan Elizabeth Shepard&nbsp;<a href="http://www.vice.com/read/porn-documentary-hot-girls-wanted-exploits-women-just-like-the-adult-industry-456">pointed out in a review for<em> Vice</em></a> earlier this year. And Rashida Jones’s claim that the industry is “totally unregulated” isn’t really right, either; While there are no federal regulations of the industry in the United States, porn shoots are still bound by state and local law.</p>
<p dir="ltr">“I feel like their agenda’s pretty clear. They gave the context they wanted to give, which is what documentary films do,” says Shepard, who is the cofounder of&nbsp;<a href="http://titsandsass.com/">Tits and Sass</a>, a news and culture site run by sex workers. She, too, found the fact slides questionable and wondered why the filmmakers didn’t make an effort to speak with experts in the field. “It’s not like there aren’t people out there studying pornography.&nbsp;<a href="http://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2014/03/why-its-time-for-the-journal-of-em-porn-studies-em/284576/">There’s a whole journal for it</a>.”</p>
<p dir="ltr">This is not to say the film is completely ineffective. The benefit of allowing the young women to speak for themselves is that the viewer identifies with them. In a particularly distressing scene, one of the aspiring actresses, Rachel, recounts a recent trip to shoot in California, where she was supposed to get $300 for a blowjob scene. When she arrived, she learned that the shoot was going to be a forced blowjob (aggressive fellatio performed with the intent of making the performer vomit). “I was scared. I was terrified,” she says. “I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know if I could tell him no.”</p>
<p dir="ltr">“The movie does present some issues—some serious issues—within the adult industry,” says porn actress Casey Calvert. She actually says she knows a handful of young women who have at one point or another been employed by Riley’s Hussie Models and confirms that their experiences reflected the experiences of these young women. “But, to me, the filmmakers presented those issues without presenting any other side of the story as a way to push a specific agenda.”</p>
<p dir="ltr">And that’s the central problem with telling these young women's stories without providing any sort of larger context.&nbsp;Even when the film does begin to touch upon some of the overarching issues that permeate the porn industry, it doesn't go into specifics of the larger problems. Instead, critics point out, it pursues a sensationalist message about how porn is seducing “thousands” of young women from all over the country each year with the promise of wealth and fame. (The slide that says thousands of young women enter amateur porn doesn’t give a more specific number—2,000? 10,000?—another omission with which Comella and others have found fault.) In another affecting scene, Rachel is on a shoot for a flick called <em>Virgin Manipulations</em>, which finds her being seduced by an actor playing a much older friend of the family. “That last part, I fucking hated,” she says to the documentary crew after shooting. That’s a feeling that many porn performers have certainly experienced.</p>
<p dir="ltr">“There’s an opportunity to talk about the actual bad days at work, the actual labor issues inherent to this kind of work,” Shepard explains. “That’s sort of glossed over in favor of this narrative of the young women of America being chewed up by porn companies in Miami.”</p>
<p><iframe width="670" height="377" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/qTkEIGsNXu4?rel=0&amp;controls=0&amp;showinfo=0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe></p>
<p dir="ltr">That has left many critics, from porn scholars like Comella to Mike Hale at&nbsp;<em><a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2015/05/28/arts/television/review-hot-girls-wanted-about-the-choices-actresses-in-pornography-make.html">The New York Times</a></em> to Jordan Hoffman at&nbsp;<em><a href="http://www.theguardian.com/film/2015/jan/28/sundance-2015-review-hot-girls-wanted-newsflash-porn-can-exploit">The Guardian</a>,</em> scratching their heads: What, exactly, is the point of the film? To Shine Louise Houston, founder and producer of&nbsp;<a href="http://shinelouisehouston.com/">Pink and White Productions</a>, it’s simple: This is an anti-porn propaganda piece. She points out that every few years, almost like clockwork, a new exposé on the evils of the porn industry rears its head to alarm pundits and critics of the industry. These documentaries, she says, are not taking larger societal problems into account, and they should be.</p>
<p dir="ltr">“I think it’s really, really easy for people to scapegoat the adult industry for being the problem for everything,” Houston says. “The questions of, like, why did these girls feel like they needed to run away from their families? What was going on there? Why weren’t these girls able to talk to their families about, like, ‘Hey, I want to do this'? There are more endemic problems with this society as far as valuing women. Why aren’t there as many economic opportunities for women? Why can’t women be sexual? Why can’t women take charge of their own bodies?”</p>
<p dir="ltr">When asked what she thinks the filmmakers were hoping to achieve, UNLV’s Comella says, “I think, more than anything, it’s a cautionary tale about the potential dangers and harms awaiting your daughters and their friends.” Adopting a faux-menacing tone, she adds: “Pop culture is influencing your daughter, Craigslist is recruiting and luring her in … this could potentially be the path that your daughter could find herself walking.” She may be right—at least a few reviews of the film have adopted a troubling, hide-your-daughters tone.&nbsp;<a href="http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/review/hot-girls-wanted-sundance-review-767210">Here’s the problematic lede</a> <em>The Hollywood Reporter</em> used in their review of <em>Hot Girls Wanted</em> back in January: “Parents be forewarned: After watching documentary <em>Hot Girls Wanted</em>, anyone with a daughter will feel an uncontrollable urge to prevent her from ever using the Internet again, or perhaps even leaving the house.”</p>
<p dir="ltr">Directors Gradus and Bauer are well aware of the criticism surrounding their film and say they’ve heard from plenty of critics who, like Houston, found the documentary to be firmly anti-porn. But they’ve also been told that their film actually wasn’t critical enough of the porn industry. “The fact that we have gotten reactions from all ends of the spectrum, to us, makes us feel like we accomplished what we wanted to, which was to really let the people in the film tell the story for themselves,” Gradus says. “If it can have that divisive of a response,” adds Bauer, “I feel like we probably got it close to right.”</p>
<p dir="ltr">The pair is firm in saying that their intent was not to make an anti-porn film but to tell a specific story about a few women in a subset of the industry who are being exploited. But the people who make a living in this business are concerned that casual viewers who aren’t well-versed in porn and don’t understand the nuances of the industry will take the documentary to mean that all porn is bad and that porn consumption in any capacity is inherently problematic.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Houston says this is exactly the reason she wishes filmmakers would try to give a more complete picture when telling stories about porn. “There are a lot of things that are questionable about the industry,” Houston admits. “We’re not all saints in this industry, and I’m not saying that there’s not room for improvement. But there needs to be a more comprehensive look at the industry—who’s in it, why they’re in it, and what the industry can do as a whole to support each other.”</p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>Related Reading: <a href="http://bitchmagazine.org/post/why-you-should-pay-for-porn-feminist-porn-report" target="_blank">Why You Should Pay for Porn — A Look at the Economics of Feminist Porn</a></em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>Emily Cassel is a Boston-based journalist, feminist, and cyclist.&nbsp;<a href="https://twitter.com/biketrouble" target="_blank">You can follow her on Twitter</a>.<br /></em></p>
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http://bitchmagazine.org/post/adult-industry-professionals-weigh-in-on-hot-girls-wanted#commentsdocumentarypornsexMoviesMon, 29 Jun 2015 21:58:46 +0000Emily Cassel32296 at http://bitchmagazine.orgOh Joy Sex Toy: OMG, It's HPVhttp://bitchmagazine.org/post/oh-joy-sex-toy-omg-its-hpv
<p><a href="http://www.ohjoysextoy.com/" target="_blank">Oh Joy Sex Toy</a>&nbsp;is a weekly comics series that graphically explores sex and sexuality. This week, Erika Moen explains the basics of HPV.&nbsp;</p>
<p><img src="https://farm1.staticflickr.com/451/18910130649_5ce19827f8_o.png" alt="" width="670" height="5622" /></p>
<p>Read more&nbsp;<a href="http://bitchmagazine.org/tag/oh-joy-sex-toy" target="_blank">Oh Joy Sex Toy</a>&nbsp;comics or&nbsp;<a href="http://bitchmagazine.org/support-feminist-media/oh-joy-sex-toy-signed" target="_blank">buy the&nbsp;<em>Oh Joy Sex Toy&nbsp;</em>book at Bitchmart</a>!&nbsp;</p>
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http://bitchmagazine.org/post/oh-joy-sex-toy-omg-its-hpv#commentshealthHPVOh Joy Sex ToysexSex and SexualityTue, 23 Jun 2015 21:30:34 +0000Erika Moen32245 at http://bitchmagazine.orgOh Joy Sex Toy: The New Magic Wandhttp://bitchmagazine.org/post/oh-joy-sex-toy-the-new-magic-wand
<p><a href="http://www.ohjoysextoy.com/" target="_blank">Oh Joy Sex Toy</a>&nbsp;is a weekly comics series that graphically explores sex &nbsp;and sexuality. This week, Erika Moen reviews the revamped Magic Wand vibrator.&nbsp;</p>
<p><img src="https://farm6.staticflickr.com/5324/18843606846_e938a1e9a1_o.png" alt="" width="670" height="5090" /></p>
<p>Read more&nbsp;<a href="http://bitchmagazine.org/tag/oh-joy-sex-toy" target="_blank">Oh Joy Sex Toy</a>&nbsp;comics or&nbsp;<a href="http://bitchmagazine.org/support-feminist-media/oh-joy-sex-toy-signed" target="_blank">buy the&nbsp;<em>Oh Joy Sex Toy&nbsp;</em>book at Bitchmart</a>!&nbsp;</p>
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http://bitchmagazine.org/post/oh-joy-sex-toy-the-new-magic-wand#commentsOh Joy Sex ToysexComicsTue, 16 Jun 2015 20:35:55 +0000Erika Moen32157 at http://bitchmagazine.orgJoumana Haddad Talks Erotica, Atheism, and Feminism in the Middle Easthttp://bitchmagazine.org/post/joumana-haddad-talks-erotica-atheism-and-feminism-in-the-middle-east
<p><img src="/sites/default/files/u2583/1-lars_krabbe.jpg" alt="joumana haddad" width="670" height="566" /></p>
<p>Joumana Haddad is an opinionated atheist and the <a href="http://www.jasadmag.com/en/index.asp" target="_blank">publisher of the only erotica magazine in Arabic.</a> She's also a poet, writer, activist, journalist, and speaks seven languages. How’s that for knocking down Western stereotypes of the passive Arab woman?&nbsp;</p>
<p>Haddad’s 2010 book <em><a href="http://www.ikilledscheherazade.com/" target="_blank">I Killed Scheherazade: Confessions of an Angry Arab Woman</a></em> broke down the idea that Arab woman are voiceless and compromising. Scheherazade, the storytelling harem beauty—who negotiated for her basic human rights for 1,001 nights—is now dead.&nbsp; Next Haddad tackled Clark Kent with some literary kryptonite with a 2012 book entitled <em><a href="http://www.saqibooks.co.uk/book/superman-is-an-arab/" target="_blank">Superman is an Arab</a><a href="http://www.saqibooks.co.uk/book/superman-is-an-arab/" target="_blank">:&nbsp;On God, Marriage, Macho Men, and Other Disastrous Inventions</a>.</em>&nbsp;Clearly, Haddad isn’t afraid to court controversy—it helps to get her message out to the world. Last year, she was named one of <a href="http://www.arabianbusiness.com/the-world-s-100-most-powerful-arab-women-541034.html?view=profile&amp;itemid=540965#.VV4lzpNViko" target="_blank">The World’s 100 Most Powerful Arab Women.</a>&nbsp;</p>
<p><img src="/sites/default/files/u2583/cover_issue_nb_7.jpg" alt="jasad" width="329" height="400" /><img src="/sites/default/files/u2583/unnamed_1_0.jpg" alt="" width="325" height="400" /></p>
<p><em>Two issues of Jasad, the Arabic-language erotica magazine Haddad founded in 2008.&nbsp;</em></p>
<p>But all the attention can cause problems, too. Haddad, who is Lebanese and lives in Beirut, <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/theguardian/2010/aug/21/joumana-haddad-interview" target="_blank">told the <em>Guardian</em></a>,&nbsp;“I grew up in a country that hates me.” Earlier this year, Haddad was denied an entry visa to Bahrain, where she had had been invited to host a banquet of poetry and music as part of a spring festival organized by the Bahrain Authority for Culture and Antiquities. The grounds for the denial: her open atheism. But Haddad sticks to her ideals. She was raised a Catholic but believes all three Abrahamic religions are misogynistic and do not recognize woman as complete. She hates the part in Genesis where Eve is formed from Adam’s rib. To celebrate International Woman’s Day this year, she tweeted “You are not a rib. YOU ARE NOT A RIB.”</p>
<p>In a region in which fine art nudes are rarely shown in public, even at established cultural institutions, Haddad started erotica magazine <em>Jasad</em> in 2008. Its representation of bodies and sexuality through art, literature, and culture remains heavily contentious. Haddad was quick to point out in our interview that there are billboards in Lebanon featurirng scantily clad women pushing home appliances, and that feminist erotica is far more respectful of women. Haddad stopped publishing the print magazine in 2011, but hopes to bring it back in December of this year.&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>DANNA LORCH: Contemporary Arabic uses metaphors for the body and sexuality rather than describing physical acts openly. Has that always been the case? &nbsp;</strong></p>
<p>JOUMANA HADDAD: The words for talking candidly about the body do exist, but the Arabic language has been violated by taboos, fears and prohibitions that have deprived it of part of its inherent erotic potential. If you go back to early literature like <em><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Perfumed_Garden" target="_blank">The Perfumed Garden</a></em> or even the uncensored version of <em><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/One_Thousand_and_One_Nights" target="_blank">One Thousand and One Nights</a></em>, you’ll find erotica. One reason I wanted to publish<em> Jasad</em> in Arabic rather than French or English was because Arabic is quite capable of conveying all those words, scenes, and ideas in a very beautiful and direct way with no need for metaphors.&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>You once said that you had to work your way up to writing erotica in Arabic by beginning first in French.</strong><strong>&nbsp;</strong></p>
<p>The violence that has been imposed on the language has also been imposed on the minds of Arab people. You grow up in a society where you are scared of words, scared of thoughts, scared of acts. So you take refuge in another language in order to be able to say what you don’t dare speak in your own. When I stopped writing erotica in French and began to write in Arabic, it was a declaration of war but also of love. I wanted to claim my language back and show my respect for it at the same time. Writing in French had been an act of cowardice.</p>
<p><strong>Is it possible to write erotically about the body without objectifying it?</strong><strong>&nbsp;</strong></p>
<p>Once you get past the sexist notion that the female body is an object, it is possible. <strong>&nbsp;</strong></p>
<p>You may be surprised to learn that I don’t support the FEMEN Movement even though I publish an erotica magazine. In the Arab world, when you demand, “Listen to me! In order for you to hear me I am showing you my bare breasts,” you are really going to the other extreme of sexism. It is still a patriarchal way of treating your body. This form of protest would be productive only in societies where women’s breasts are no longer charged with erotic significance.</p>
<p><strong>In <em>Superman</em> you write a lot about things that men are doing wrong in the Arab world. What are some practical things that women can do to change the status quo?</strong></p>
<p>It all starts with the mother who raises Superman by telling his sister to serve him, by treating him like a god. Secondly, women need to be financially independent. This is a major issue. You see many women calling for their rights and yet they wouldn’t lift their fingers to be responsible. It’s not about having three maids at home and the latest car. The third thing is for a woman to believe in herself. Stop being Scheherazade and compromising your basic rights. Don’t feel like bribing the man is the only way to get what you want. Have the guts to say no. The hell with being thought of as a good woman! Let other people insult you and point fingers. But believe me, if they do that they will also fear you. Transparency scares the assholes.</p>
<p><strong>In <em>Scheherazade</em> you write, “Being an Arab today means being a hypocrite.” One of the critical aspects of your books is how you unmask what you see as your own society’s duplicity. For example, you mention that Nabokov’s<em> Lolita</em> is banned in much of the region, yet child marriage is practically encouraged according to much of the Islamic legal framework.</strong></p>
<p>People inherit a huge suitcase when they are born. They carry it around without ever thinking about whether the contents fit them. Few people have the courage to unpack the suitcase. This is why there is so much hypocrisy—people don’t want to deal with their truth without defacing the fake status quo.</p>
<p><strong>Correct me if I’m wrong, but there is not a single country in the Arab League in which it is legal to be openly homosexual or transgender, right?</strong></p>
<p>You are completely right. In Beirut, I’m on the Board of Advisors of a [civil rights and anti-censorship] <a href="http://www.marchlebanon.org/en/About-Us" target="_blank">NGO called March</a>, and we were planning next year’s events. I wanted to do something to legalize civil marriage as it’s still not recognized in Lebanon. I suggested, “Next year let’s do an event for gay marriage,” and my colleagues all laughed their asses off because it’s impossible. I could imagine my two sons as old men and gay marriage would still not being legalized here.</p>
<p><strong>In<em> Superman</em>, you call attention to Samira Ibrahim, an Egyptian activist who after being arrested for participating in a 2011 protest in Tahrir Square, was the first woman to speak out publicly about the military practice of subjecting female protestors to virginity tests, as well as torture. Do you feel that the Arab Spring was a failure for women’s rights or did it never have anything to do with improving equality in the first place?</strong></p>
<p>I wouldn’t call it a spring at all. It’s just another winter. We watched many brave women fight on the frontlines during demonstrations, but unfortunately the extremists had been waiting for this opportunity for more than 40 years. They used women as pawns to say, “Look, we have young people, we have women.” Even in Lebanon, which people call the most open country and all that bullshit—we only have three women deputies.&nbsp;</p>
<p><em><a href="http://dannawrites.com">Danna Lorch</a> is a Dubai-based writer and blogger covering Middle Eastern art and pop culture, with a focus on gender. Her writing appears in </em>Bitch<em>, </em>ArtSlant<em>, </em>Vogue India<em> and elsewhere.&nbsp;</em></p>
<p><em>This article was updated to include information about </em>Jasad <em>going out of print and its potential return.&nbsp;</em></p>
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http://bitchmagazine.org/post/joumana-haddad-talks-erotica-atheism-and-feminism-in-the-middle-east#commentsIslamreligionsexPoliticsThu, 21 May 2015 20:07:27 +0000Danna Lorch31802 at http://bitchmagazine.orgWhat if We Thought of Virginity as a Punch Card? http://bitchmagazine.org/post/what-if-we-thought-of-virginity-as-a-punch-card
<p dir="ltr"><img src="/sites/default/files/u2583/download.png" alt="a billboard says &quot;still a virgin&quot;?" width="670" height="367" /></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>An ad seen in the documentary </em>How to Lose Your Virginity<em>. Photo by Therese Schechter.</em></p>
<p dir="ltr">In<em> <a href="http://www.virginitymovie.com/how-to-lose-your-virginity/" target="_blank">How To Lose Your Virginity</a></em>, director Therese Shechter explores some of life’s big questions. Like: Why all the hype around virginity? The documentary, which came out in 2013 but is <a href="http://watch.virginitymovie.com/" target="_blank">now available on DVD and online streaming</a>, discusses the cultural double-bind facing young women, who are expected to be sexy while not having sex. Along the way, Shechter, who directed 2005 film <em><a href="http://www.trixiefilms.com/teenfem/" target="_blank">I Was a Teenage Feminist</a></em>, examines her own sexual history and hears personal stories from sex educators, academics, pornography producers, and abstinence advocates, working to unravel this societal obsession. This film explores the myths and misogyny behind the concept that is on everyone’s mind, but few truly understand. <em>How to Lose Your Virginity</em> also has an interactive component: <a href="http://virginitymovie.herokuapp.com/search.html">V-Card Diaries</a>, a website where people submit short essays about their sexual experiences and allows readers to sort for stories by age, gender, and theme. The film’s website also offers real-life virginity punch cards, emblazoned with the phrase “Unlimited V-Card: Each new experience is a virginity to lose.”</p>
<p style="padding-left: 60px;" dir="ltr"><img src="/sites/default/files/u2583/yourreusablev-card.jpeg" alt="" width="500" height="290" /></p>
<p dir="ltr">I spoke with Therese Shechter about the film, a conversation that delved into the social construction of virginity, the filmmaking process, and the internet’s role in all this.</p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>SHADE SAMUELSON: Can you tell me a bit about the preparation and process of making the film?</strong></p>
<p dir="ltr">THERESE SHECHTER: When my producer Lisa Esselstein and I started thinking about this topic we were really interested in sex education and we were interested in the abstinence-until-marriage programs. We wanted to explore this idea of how women were shamed for being sexual and how our “sex education” system—and I have to use that in quotes—was perpetuating that. The longer I worked on the film and interviewed people, the more it became obvious to me that women were shamed whether they were sexual or not sexual, whether they were having sex or not having sex. So I thought it would be really interesting to also look at women who had decided to put off becoming sexual, and how that was working for them, and look at the media chatter going on about being a virgin and not being a virgin.</p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>The opening of the film is a shot of the basement where you had sex for the first time. Was it hard for you to put your own story of virginity and sexuality into the film? Or did you feel that it was vital to the accessibility of the film and the community you were trying to create?</strong></p>
<p dir="ltr">Well, both [laughs]. I’m a first-person filmmaker so a lot of my work at some point includes my own personal questioning, but it’s also a real art to find how much of me I really want to talk about because you don’t want it to be some giant confessional. I think it’s also important because I’m asking other people to talk about sex and their own personal relationship to becoming sexual. It’s important that I’m also willing to do some of that myself. I’m not just sort of standing off to the side and saying “Okay, spill.” I’m saying, “I know how hard it is because I’m also doing it.”</p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Were there any discoveries you made during the filming or the editing process that you were surprised by?</strong></p>
<p dir="ltr">I found it fascinating the different ways that we’ve defined this idea of virginity over time. It’s not a static concept at all, it’s used to wield power. Virginity is something that is defined and given meaning [based on] whatever society wants to make of it. And that meaning is going to change, depending on the society—who’s deciding what’s important, and who’s running the joint. One of the things I was delighted by was to be able to talk about the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vestal_Virgin" target="_blank">Vestal Virgins</a>. We don’t know much about the Vestal Virgins, but the fact that there were these ancient temple priestesses, and that virginity had nothing to do with purity at all, &nbsp;it had everything to do with autonomy and the fact that women who were with men had no freedom whatsoever, which we know is still happening today. Their freedom from men was what was important for them to do their job, that was really fascinating to me. And that’s my definition of virginity, so up to the moment I got married I could’ve called myself a virgin, because I wasn’t legally, officially, attached to [my husband].</p>
<p dir="ltr">Another thing that I started thinking about a lot was how the concept of virginity plays out in queer communities. It wasn’t something I had previously thought about in any real depth. I’m not queer, and the second I started talking to queer people about it, it suddenly opened up this whole new way of thinking. And I find that when I ask [people] what virginity means to them, I would say 99 percent of the time people say intercourse. So then I ask, “Then how do two lesbians lose their virginity?” This is when I’m talking to [male-identified folks] mostly, and the guys get this confused look on their face and I think it’s the first time they’ve ever had to think about this concept. They’re not having intercourse, but they are having sex. Does this mean they’re going to be virgins all their lives? It’s easy to blow peoples minds with the most basic things, because nobody ever talks about it, and watching mainstream media, queer stories around sexuality are so rare.</p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>How do you think that access to more information through social media and the internet has changed the conversation surrounding virginity?</strong></p>
<p dir="ltr">Well, I think it has changed the conversation around sexuality in general. I think it has in a very positive way, actually, broadened the conversation and given a lot of people access to support and access to other people’s experiences. Having the internet has been a huge blessing. Because you can find communities and you can find support and you can find that kind of reinforcement that your choices are valid and other people have made them. That’s why we do the V-Card Diaries, which is a collection of stories - we have over 400 of them now - and the V-Card Diaries is a way to show the diversity of experiences. However, media has also kind of been a piece of shit, in the way that it perpetuates a lot of stereotypes and allows people with very toxic attitudes and very toxic ideas to communicate them in that same public forum.</p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Will you tell me a little more about the switch from framing virginity as one magical moment to more of a mindset? Or what you described in the film as a “virginity punch card”?</strong></p>
<p dir="ltr">The reusable v-card? [laughs]. Well that came a lot from talking to people and asking people about important sexual milestones. Particularly with women, a lot of women didn’t have too much to say about the first time they had intercourse, if they had ever had intercourse or if that was something that they ever wanted to do. A lot of women would say that the first time they had an orgasm was way more important. Or, the first time they felt really comfortable with another person, being intimate with another person, that’s their most important memory. So, the idea is that we needed to get away from that magical “penis in vagina” moment, from telling people that that’s the most important thing, and really broaden it and ask people, “Well, what do you think was the most important thing?” Sex is this huge, huge thing. I didn’t want to get rid of the concept of virginity altogether because it seems to be pretty ingrained in our culture, but I wanted to redefine it. I wanted to define it by saying, “Well, you can define it by what’s important to you and if you want to have 10 different times when you’ve lost a virginity then that’s totally fine.” And the fact that becoming sexual is this really, really long process with a lot of first times and a lot of first experiences, to isolate it into this one tiny moment when a penis enters a vagina doesn’t make any sense at all.</p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>Watch the trailer for How to Lose Your Virginity:</em></p>
<p><iframe src="https://player.vimeo.com/video/34991900" width="670" height="330" frameborder="0" webkitallowfullscreen mozallowfullscreen allowfullscreen></iframe></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>If you’re in the Portland, Seattle, or San Francisco area be sure to check out&nbsp;</em>How To Lose Your Virginity<em>'s</em> <a href="http://www.virginitymovie.com/upcoming" target="_blank">upcoming screenings</a><em>, which Shechter herself attending to answer all your burning questions! <a href="http://www.virginitymovie.com/upcoming" target="_blank">RSVP to the screenings here</a>.</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>Shade Samuelson is a student, artist, community organizer, and avid concert-goer living in Portland, Oregon.</em></p>
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http://bitchmagazine.org/post/what-if-we-thought-of-virginity-as-a-punch-card#commentsdocumentarysexvirginityMoviesFri, 15 May 2015 22:28:06 +0000Shade Samuelson31720 at http://bitchmagazine.orgA Comic About One Woman's Pregnancyhttp://bitchmagazine.org/post/a-comic-about-one-womans-pregnancy
<p>Cartoonist Rebecca Roher drew this beautiful comic for the <a href="http://gutsmagazine.ca/issue4" target="_blank">Moms issue of Canadian feminist magazine <em>GUTS</em></a>. Enjoy.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 60px;"><img src="/sites/default/files/u2583/mom-body-cover-3-full-2.jpg" alt="" width="497" height="690" /></p>
<p style="padding-left: 60px;"><img src="/sites/default/files/u2583/mom-body-p1.jpg" alt="" width="472" height="690" /><img src="/sites/default/files/u2583/mom-body-p2.jpg" alt="" width="472" height="690" /></p>
<p style="padding-left: 60px;"><img src="/sites/default/files/u2583/mom-body-p3-1.jpg" alt="" width="472" height="690" /> <img src="/sites/default/files/u2583/mom-body-p4-1.jpg" alt="" width="472" height="690" /></p>
<p style="padding-left: 60px;"><img src="/sites/default/files/u2583/mom-body-p5.jpg" alt="" width="472" height="690" /><img src="/sites/default/files/u2583/mom-body-p6.jpg" alt="" width="472" height="690" /></p>
<p style="padding-left: 60px;">&nbsp;</p>
<p style="padding-left: 60px;"><img src="/sites/default/files/u2583/mom-body-p7.jpg" alt="" width="472" height="690" /><img src="/sites/default/files/u2583/mom-body-p8.jpg" alt="" width="472" height="690" /></p>
<p style="padding-left: 60px;"><img src="/sites/default/files/u2583/mom-body-p9.jpg" alt="" width="474" height="690" /></p>
<p style="padding-left: 60px;"><img src="/sites/default/files/u2583/mom-body-p10_0.jpg" alt="" width="488" height="690" /><img src="/sites/default/files/u2583/mom-body-p11.jpg" alt="" width="468" height="690" /></p>
<p style="padding-left: 60px;"><img src="/sites/default/files/u2583/mom-body-p12_0.jpg" alt="" width="459" height="690" /></p>
<p style="padding-left: 60px;"><img src="/sites/default/files/u2583/mom-body-p13.jpg" alt="" width="472" height="690" /></p>
<p style="padding-left: 60px;"><img src="/sites/default/files/u2583/mom-body-p14-1.jpg" alt="" width="460" height="690" /><img src="/sites/default/files/u2583/mom-body-p15.jpg" alt="" width="472" height="690" /><img src="/sites/default/files/u2583/mom-body-p16.jpg" alt="" width="473" height="690" /><img src="/sites/default/files/u2583/mom-body-p17.jpg" alt="" width="455" height="690" /><img src="/sites/default/files/u2583/mom-body-p18.jpg" alt="" width="468" height="690" /></p>
<p style="padding-left: 60px;"><img src="/sites/default/files/u2583/mom-body-p19.jpg" alt="" width="526" height="690" /> <img src="/sites/default/files/u2583/mom-body-p20.jpg" alt="" width="472" height="690" /><img src="/sites/default/files/u2583/mom-body-p21.jpg" alt="" width="472" height="690" /></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p style="padding-left: 60px;"><img src="/sites/default/files/u2583/mom-body-p22.jpg" alt="" width="472" height="690" /></p>
<p style="padding-left: 60px;"><img src="/sites/default/files/u2583/mom-body-p23.jpg" alt="" width="472" height="690" /></p>
<p style="padding-left: 90px;"><img src="/sites/default/files/u2583/mom-body-p24.jpg" alt="" width="436" height="663" /></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p><em>Related Reading: <a href="http://bitchmagazine.org/post/its-a-problem-when-laws-protect-fetuses%E2%80%94but-not-pregnant-women" target="_blank">It's a Problem When Laws Protect Fetuses, but Not Pregnant Women.</a></em></p>
<p><em>Rebecca Roher is a Canadian illustrator, cartoonist and educator.&nbsp;Her illustration and comics work can be found in publications such as&nbsp;The Nib,&nbsp;Maple Key Comics,&nbsp;Seven Days,&nbsp;The Dominion,&nbsp;and GUTS. She is currently based in White River Junction, Vermont at the Centre for Cartoon Studies.&nbsp;Find more of her work at&nbsp;<a href="http://www.rebeccaroher.com/" target="_blank">www.rebeccaroher.com</a>.</em></p>
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http://bitchmagazine.org/post/a-comic-about-one-womans-pregnancy#commentsmotherhoodpregnancysexComicsFri, 15 May 2015 19:55:10 +0000Rebecca Roher31716 at http://bitchmagazine.orgOh Joy Sex Toy: WTF are UTIs?http://bitchmagazine.org/post/oh-joy-sex-toy-wtf-are-utis
<p><a href="http://www.ohjoysextoy.com/" target="_blank">Oh Joy Sex Toy</a>&nbsp;is a weekly comics series that graphically explores sex &nbsp;and sexuality. This week, Erika Moen asks WTF is up with UTIs.&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p><img src="https://farm8.staticflickr.com/7704/17356497896_b323a55350_o.png" alt="" width="670" height="5658" /></p>
<p>Read more&nbsp;<a href="http://bitchmagazine.org/tag/oh-joy-sex-toy" target="_blank">Oh Joy Sex Toy</a>&nbsp;comics or&nbsp;<a href="http://bitchmagazine.org/support-feminist-media/oh-joy-sex-toy-signed" target="_blank">buy the <em>Oh Joy Sex Toy </em>book at Bitchmart</a>!&nbsp;</p>
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http://bitchmagazine.org/post/oh-joy-sex-toy-wtf-are-utis#commentshealthOh Joy Sex ToysexComicsTue, 05 May 2015 19:17:29 +0000Erika Moen31573 at http://bitchmagazine.orgDon't Conflate Cheating With Open Relationships, Pleasehttp://bitchmagazine.org/post/dont-conflate-cheating-with-open-relationships-please
<p dir="ltr"><img src="https://farm3.staticflickr.com/2117/2226398871_4b3649d608_b.jpg" alt="holding hands" width="670" height="420" /></p>
<p style="padding-left: 210px;" dir="ltr"><a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/23236076@N06/2226398871/in/photolist-4oJSPr-bqEr3-Hk7vP-63vuDh-75HgM4-6CToZN-5xh169-8SumjW-4ozZBM-5JjNEw-chpTUh-8u1KgK-j2mzUN-jLyxgR-5GozfR-fqKCXj-cNf6MY-99fk2m-7emQk5-SsTUQ-7SMTZw-5EW9MF-6F2AZJ-6izpvs-rT1W5-6MibyL-dWWfVX-6e2Aay-njW2GH-fnpy3z-npF2Mp-3PRiM1-8v2dBw-npF3kE-dN1ZGu-dKVu1R-56v6kG-a3Agpk-6dEihz-3kGsgL-5to1ij-8xYqpM-a6LEr2-6wr7ZX-itKgsy-d64gks-7cVi4n-fC2Ne-9UpBT1-2EyPM6" target="_blank"><em>Photo by Gem Fountain (Creative Commons).</em></a></p>
<p dir="ltr">Non-monogamy has been all over the news recently. In the past few years, <a href="http://bitchmagazine.org/post/mainstream-media-has-discovered-polyamorous-relationships" target="_blank">mainstream media has taken an interest in non-monogamous relationships</a>—numerous trend pieces on “ethical non-monogamy” have appeared everywhere from Slate, Salon, and <em>The Atlantic</em> to <em>Newsweek</em>, &nbsp;<em>Rolling Stone</em>, and <em>The New York Times</em>. On the whole, writing on this topic seems to be getting more nuanced: widely read media outlets have published pieces exploring everything from <a href="http://mic.com/articles/109616/there-s-a-big-problem-with-polyamory-that-nobody-s-talking-about" target="_blank">polyamory’s problem with inclusiveness</a> to the <a href="http://theweek.com/articles/538413/polyamorycan-teach-about-economics-family-life" target="_blank">economic impact of poly life</a>. While I’m excited to see the progressive move toward public discussion around the topic, writers still sometimes conflate polyamory, open marriages, and other consensually non-monogamous relationship with infidelity and adultery.</p>
<p dir="ltr">That’s the case with a <a href="http://mobile.nytimes.com/blogs/opinionator/2015/02/24/when-the-best-sex-is-extramarital/?referrer" target="_blank">moralistic opinion piece</a>, “When the Best Sex is Extramarital,” published two weeks ago in <em>The New York Times.</em></p>
<p dir="ltr">I admit that I first found this article via the clickbaity post, “A psychotherapist concludes that most people, even those who think they might want an ‘open marriage,’ are too insecure and jealous to make it work. Do you agree?” While I wouldn’t exactly disagree, I’m a firm believer that we are all able to work through jealousy. So I took the bait. &nbsp;</p>
<p>Guest columnist <a href="http://www.adelphi.edu/faculty/profiles/profile.php?PID=0049" target="_blank">Lawrence Josephs</a> introduces himself as an “infidelity expert”—which I noted as a red flag. Infidelity and open relationships often get falsely lumped together or even the terms used interchangeably. I was hoping for an open-minded look at extramarital sex, but using the framework of infidelity sets a judgmental tone and feels disconnected from the topic of openness. Josephs also mentions his participation in a <a href="http://www.visiontv.ca/shows/infidelity/" target="_blank">documentary about infidelity</a>, which I Googled and found was aired on Vision TV, a religiously-based Canadian network. So, there’s another red flag.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Josephs frames the editorial around his experience counseling a client who was engaged in an extramarital affair with a colleague who then unexpectedly died. She was seeking guidance through the mourning process. Josephs does initially describe her situation with empathy: she is a busy professional woman married to an equally busy guy, their marriage is a relatively platonic relationship. Between her work, the time and energy the two were spending parenting, she was feeling drained, and looking for something more. Under these circumstances, and without making a judgement either way, you can see how she ended up cheating on her husband. This is where the compassion ends. Josephs goes on to tell about how he shared his disdain for his client’s “selfish” and “womanizing” lover. Eventually, he leads her to seek marriage counseling with her husband.</p>
<p dir="ltr">After setting us up with that story, Josephs opines on the big picture concept of open relationships based on his limited treatment of a handful of clients who had tried this approach. He says he “tried to keep an open mind” about ethical nonmonogamy but that most people are too jealous and insecure to make open relationships work. &nbsp;Open relationships certainly do take work, but dismissing the possibility of non-monogamy for “most people” feels pedantic to me. &nbsp;Most people are jealous. But jealousy can be a way to talk about important issues: Why do we get jealous? Why are we insecure? How do our cultural ideas of what “successful” relationships look like contribute to our insecurities? Isn’t it a bit defeatist to say that someone is too jealous or insecure to make something work? It’s possible to reframe jealousy as a tool for self-understanding. There is a lot of <a href="http://openingup.net/2013/01/28/study-finds-poly-people-less-jealous-just-as-satisfied-as-monogamous-people/" target="_blank">writing on the subject of jealousy in relationships</a> in open and poly communities.</p>
<p dir="ltr">This editorial misses the point: the client wasn’t engaged in an open relationship, she was having an affair. The clunky transition from talking about his client’s infidelity to dismissing open relationships as a viable possibility for most people implies that these two are interchangeable. That’s a common misconception and I was sad to see it show up in the national news. &nbsp;It’s worth reading the dictionary definition of infidelity: “Infidelity is the subjective feeling that one's partner has violated a set of rules or relationship norms.” &nbsp;Cheating is the breaking of an agreement. Even people in open relationships can cheat by breaking their own agreements. Most people in polyamorous or open relationships have open, ongoing communication about the structure of their relationships and the agreements they want to have with each other. It is unlikely that a relationship with fundamental emotional or sexual incompatibilities, or high levels of dishonesty will improve by opening up. The openness becomes an additional strain on the relationship rather than the release of pressure it is intended to be.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Further along in the column, Joseph’s client describes a moment during which her husband confesses that he would understand, given their dismal sex life, if she had engaged in an affair. That doesn’t sound jealous or insecure at all. Those sound like the words of someone who is capable of an open-minded, compassionate approach to supporting his spouse. What about the learning/teaching moment that this could have provided?</p>
<p style="padding-left: 60px;" dir="ltr"><img src="http://media.tumblr.com/f73045af10a09144544bb54f35d845f1/tumblr_inline_n1wf7gfBoN1r62l1b.png" alt="quote: &quot;love who you want, how you want, as many as you want&quot;" width="500" height="508" /></p>
<p style="padding-left: 240px;" dir="ltr"><em>Illustration by Molly Schaeffer.</em></p>
<p dir="ltr">Acceptance of those who choose non-monogamy is <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/strictly-casual/201502/how-make-people-more-accepting-polyamory" target="_blank">growing most rapidly among younger, liberal, and LGBTQ communities</a>. However, recent studies also show that people in open relationships not only fear judgement and stigma when coming out to others, but they also harbor the same level of <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/strictly-casual/201407/who-s-more-stigmatized-swingers-or-polyamorists" target="_blank">negative feelings toward open relationships as those in monogamous relationships</a>. This is why it’s especially disappointing to read an opinion from a therapist that further stigmatizes open or other non-monogamous relationships.</p>
<p dir="ltr">There are more and more resources emerging to help therapists counseling clients who are in or desire to have open relationships. The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom published <a href="https://ncsfreedom.org/resources/kink-aware-professionals-directory/kap-directory-homepage.html?catid=14" target="_blank">directory of “kink aware professionals”</a> as well as a <a href="https://ncsfreedom.org/images/stories/PolyPaper/72548_NCSF_2012poly7.pdf" target="_blank">helpful set of guidelines and recommendations</a> for providing counseling for open and poly clients. The paper, “What Psychology Professionals Should Know About Polyamory,” calls for therapists to “deal with the ways in which [their] personal value systems” get in the way of their ability to help clients in a “neutral, supportive” way. Only then the author says, “can we facilitate the self-exploration, personal growth, and responsible decision-making of all who seek psychotherapy.”</p>
<p>It could be possible for the couple in Josephs’ story to remain together, and also find a way for Cynthia to have fulfillment by way of some agreement that works for both her and her husband. But the couple in the article, like many of us, (including the author most likely) are suffering from a failure to meet external, societal expectations for what our relationships should look like. Many people face feelings of jealousy or insecurity regardless of what relationship style they choose. However, I favor a more hopeful outlook than the author. Jealousy doesn’t have to be a given. With open, honest communication, mindfulness, and yes, a good therapist, a relationship of one’s own design—monogamous or not—can provide more satisfaction than a prescriptive one.</p>
<p><em>Related Listening:&nbsp;<a href="http://bitchmagazine.org/post/new-bitch-radio-popaganda-episode-monogamy" target="_blank">Our podcast on monogamy digs into the logistics of open relationships and the legal history of monogamy</a>.&nbsp;</em></p>
<p><iframe width="100%" height="166" scrolling="no" frameborder="no" src="https://w.soundcloud.com/player/?url=https%3A//api.soundcloud.com/tracks/141461867&amp;color=ff5500&amp;auto_play=false&amp;hide_related=false&amp;show_comments=true&amp;show_user=true&amp;show_reposts=false"></iframe></p>
<p><em><a href="http://www.ericamerylthomas.com/" target="_blank">Erica Thomas</a>&nbsp;is a former Bitch intern who is now an artist, writer, filmmaker, project manager, and feminist (among other things) based in Portland, OR.</em></p>
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http://bitchmagazine.org/post/dont-conflate-cheating-with-open-relationships-please#commentsmonogamypolyamorysexsexualityMediaWed, 11 Mar 2015 18:54:06 +0000Erica Thomas30905 at http://bitchmagazine.orgOh Joy Sex Toy: BDSM Safety Basicshttp://bitchmagazine.org/post/oh-joy-sex-toy-bdsm-safety-basics
<p><a href="http://www.ohjoysextoy.com/" target="_blank">Oh Joy Sex Toy</a>&nbsp;is a weekly comics series that graphically explores sex and sexuality. This week, guest artist Abby Howard gives us the rundown on some BDSM basics.&nbsp;</p>
<p><img src="https://farm9.staticflickr.com/8731/16749846206_70593fc515_o.png" alt="bdsm basics by abby howard" width="670" height="3564" /></p>
<p>Read a bunch more&nbsp;<a href="http://bitchmagazine.org/tag/oh-joy-sex-toy" target="_blank">Oh Joy Sex Toy comics</a>, including one about&nbsp;<a href="http://bitchmagazine.org/post/oh-joy-sex-toy-consent" target="_blank">consent</a>.&nbsp;</p>
<p>Want more from Erika Moen?&nbsp;<em>Oh Joy, Sex Toy: Volume One&nbsp;</em>is&nbsp;268 pages of sex tips, interviews, sex toy reviews, and more!&nbsp;<a href="http://bitchmagazine.org/support-feminist-media/oh-joy-sex-toy-signed" target="_blank">Get your copy at BitchMart.</a></p>
<p>Here is a text transcription of the comic to make it more accessible for people using screen readers. Transcription by Morgan Kelly. &nbsp;</p>
<blockquote><p>Erika introduces this comic excitedly, “My Dearest Perverts! As promised last week, today we have Abby Howard in to share the basics of BDSM safety! Enjoy! And be safe!”</p>
<p>Abby Howard begins, “Heya folks, I’m Abby Howard and I’m here to talk to you about BDSM SAFETY! With the help of my hot assistant, Fictional Vampire Boyfriend.” Fictional Vampire Boyfriend interrupts, “But Abby! I already have a safe word. Geez, what else do I even need?” Abby replies, “A lot, dingus!”</p>
<p>Abby and Fictional Vampire Boyfriend are seated at a café as she says, “Safety starts when you decide to meet with a potential partner – always meet them in a public place!! Even if you’ve been talking for months, or have met each other before, meet in a public place! Even if your fantasy is having a stranger break in and do kinky stuff to you, meet in a public plaaace. But don’t worry, once you’ve determined that the person is a-okay, you can schedule as many sexy break-ins as your loins desire!”</p>
<p>Abby continues, “When in public, you can ensure that an actual conversation can happen. This is when you talk about shared preferences and lay down your rules – definite yesses, definite no’s, and definite hmmm maybes. As a sub, I know there is a desire to do whatever the Dom wants – it’s a big part of the fun! But if something really turns you off or makes uncomfortable, YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO IT!”</p>
<p>Abby explains, “The Sub is really the person who has the power in a scene, and can stop it whenever they want by using a safe word! Now for a safe word you could use a silly word like “obfuscate” or “gorgosaurus,” but I tend to find the “red, yellow, green” safe words much more useful. Green means “Heck yes, go ahead with this sexy thing.” Yellow means, “Please ease up and stop this thing.” And red means “Stop everything right now!” I suggest trying out yellow or red early on in your first scene with a partner, to establish trust!”</p>
<p>Abby and Fictional Vampire Boyfriend are now at home and are undressed. Fictional Vampire Boyfriend holds a spatula and says, “Let’s see how this feels!” With a whap, Abby’s eyes get large and she says with a smile, “Green.”</p>
<p>Abby continues, “When the actual play begins, a Dom should check in sometimes to see if the Sub is still doing okay! As with any sexy thing, both partners should be enjoying themselves, and a Sub can sometimes panic and forget to use safe words… So every so often, ask and make sure they are still having a fun and sexy time!” Abby is now seated on the floor, Fictional Vampire Boyfriend asks her, “How you holdin’ up down there?” Abby says, “Honestly, my nips are ‘bout to fall off, I’m calling’ yellow!” They remove the clothespins from her nipples, “Is that better?” She replies, “Yes, my nips will live another day.”</p>
<p>Abby continues, “Safety tips for during play: Do not leave the Sub alone for an extended period of time! Especially if they are bound. Make sure that any bondage you use does not cut off circulation! Test by slipping two fingers between the bonds and the skin. If you have a more dangerous kink, like breath play or blood play, do your research to make sure you’re doing your freaky kinky stuff safely! FetLife has some kink-specific groups that could be of help to novices!”</p>
<p>Abby and Fictional Vampire Boyfriend are cuddled on a sofa, “When the playing is over, it’s time for some aftercare! Do not skip this. You have just put this human through heck, pat them on the head and hug them and give them a towel. Make sure you’re both hydrated. Aftercare helps both the Sub and Dom calm down and get back into a functional headspace! Also, it can be extremely intimate and romantic.”</p>
<p>Abby concludes this comic by saying, “So folks, I hope you learned something today, and keep in mind that this is a very basic guide! If you have further questions, check out FetLife groups, or your local kink community! Have fuuuunn!”</p>
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http://bitchmagazine.org/post/oh-joy-sex-toy-bdsm-safety-basics#commentsBDSMOh Joy Sex ToysexSex and SexualityTue, 10 Mar 2015 18:10:43 +0000Erika Moen30891 at http://bitchmagazine.org