Parenting all about communication

Parents are no strangers to conflict resolution. Bedtime, chores and sibling spats are flash points in every home with young children.

It doesn't have to be that way, though, author Scott Brown says. By learning to apply some basic negotiating skills, you can quell the arguments - and teach your kids some valuable life skills in the process.

"If you teach your children to work through conflicts when they are young, it will pay off when they're older," said Brown, a founding member of the Harvard Negotiation Project, father of four and author of the just-published "How to Negotiate With Kids - Even When You Think You Shouldn't."

"It doesn't mean you shouldn't set limits," he said; rather, parents should take the time to discuss conflicts with their children and involve the kids in devising solutions. Old-fashioned autocratic parenting might work in the short term, he said, but can create undue stress for children and cause them to rebel in adolescence.

Recently Brown explained his strategy to a group of about 75 parents at the International School at Dundee in Riverside, Conn.:

n Start by keeping your emotions in check. "Negotiations are much more difficult with our children because our emotions are wrapped up in them."

n Next, calm your child. Brown recommends using touch to short-circuit a tantrum, or taking a break before discussing an issue.

n Listen to your child's perspective. "Kids really see things differently. You may hear something that will help you deal with the conflict."

n Explain your view. "Frame things in terms of what's important to them."

n Involve your kids in discussions about solutions to problems and the consequences of not complying with a rule. Brown said you might be surprised at how hard they can be on themselves.

n Discipline your child, don't punish him. "Discipline looks forward, punishment looks back." In his book, Brown wrote: "Good discipline, like all good teaching, changes the way children think. Punishment, on the other hand, focuses on behavior, not the motivation for that behavior. Changing behavior may end the conflict. But only changing the way your kids think will prevent future problems and conflicts." So instead of arbitrarily grounding your preteen for a particular offense, involve her in devising a consequence for her actions.

n Lastly, some things - health and safety issues, family morals and values - are nonnegotiable.

So how does Brown's approach work?

Say that during a morning trip to the grocery store, your child whines for a lollipop despite a long-standing family rule banning candy before lunch. Rather than blow your top, you should take a deep breath; head outside or to a different part of the store with your child (even sit on the floor, Brown says); change your tone of voice and touch your child - pull him into your lap, caress his arm; review your rule about eating candy; listen to your child's reason for demanding the sweet (maybe he really wants to buy it for later); and work with the child to devise an acceptable solution - maybe buying the lollipop and putting it away until after lunch.

Brown acknowledged that negotiating is time-consuming, but said the investment is worth it.

"I believe these ideas will help you build stronger relationships with your children, the kind that will keep you close for years to come," he wrote in the introduction to his book.