S4 E06 Yard Sale

10/31/12 | TV-PG | CC

STORY 1: 127 Minutes At the family yard sale, Phil discovers Jay's old motorcycle. Shortly after taking it for a spin, he takes a spill and finds himself pinned beneath the bike. For the next 127 minutes, Phil documents his harrowing experience.

Claire (on Phil's Street Strider): "You've finally found something less cool than those pants that rip off into shorts."Phil: "My shants. Which you've been gunning for since Day 1. Does it matter to any of you that this actually an extremely efficient cardiovascular workout that could prolong my life?Claire: "Hmmm, yeah, but what kind of life?"

Phil: "I'm terrified of motorcycles, but sometimes you have to do things to show the world you're still a man. Same reason I got that henna tattoo."

Phil (filming himself while trapped under the motorcycle): "If I had to make a playlist for being trapped under a motorcycle, it would be 'Stuck in the Middle,' 'Hit the Road, Jack,' anything by Heavy D... Ooh, Pointer Sisters' 'Neutron Dance.'"

Phil (filming himself while trapped under the motorcycle): "Oh my goodness! There are some DVDs in a shoebox in my closet that I was holding for... a buddy. Um, you can go ahead and just throw the whole box away."

Alex: "Yes, when Michael took me to prom, I questioned his sexuality. But then, we made out. A couple times. There was even a little under-the-shirt action. His chest is very smooth."

Claire: "I don't want her to get her heart broken. When it comes to boys, her self-esteem is low enough as it is."Cameron: "I don't know. Alex seems pretty darned tough."Claire: "She's just sarcastic on the outside. Inside, she's just a fragile little girl."Mitchell: "By all means, look right at me when you say that."

Cameron: "When I was young and straight, I left a trail of broken hearts like a rock star. I'm not proud of it."Mitchell: "You're kind of proud of it. You work it into a lot of conversations. He brought it up yesterday."Cameron: "OK, how am I supposed to walk into a dry cleaner and not mention my girlfriend Wendy Jo Martinizer?"

Mitchell: "At least with a gay kid, you know she's gonna get a great flower arrangement. You should've seen the one I made Annabelle. Arranged it myself. It was gorgeous... until she pulled it apart and spelled 'homo' on my porch."

STORY 3: Uncle GrumpyAt the yard sale, Luke and Manny uncover an old box of Gloria's. When she refuses to let them open it, they suspect the worst. But no one could've guessed what it really contains: a ventriloquist's dummy named Uncle Grumpy from Gloria's beauty pageant past.

Memorable Quotes:

Manny: "We're having a yard sale for our social studies class to raise money for UNICEF. The point is for us to learn about global altruism."Luke: "No, the point is for us to raise more money than Mrs. Cooper's class so we get a pizza and a pool party."Manny: "Your cynicism makes me sad for our world."Luke: "Ease up, Delgado. I've seen you eat pizza."

Luke (to Mitchell as he tries to stash away Cam's old fat pants): "Hey, this is for charity. You know that you're taking those jeans out of the hands of some needy, giant children."Mitchell: "You know they're not getting the actual jeans, right, Luke?"Luke: "Oh, right. Well, then how about a donation?"Mitchell: "Twenty bucks?"Luke: "A hundred."Mitchell: "Twenty."Luke: "Sure. What's it to you if some kid gets sick bathing in Poo River, Africa?"

Luke: "I know how to push buttons to get what I want. And what I want is to see a puppet show."

Gloria: "Uncle Grumpy, we're in public."Uncle Grumpy: "Aye, look at all those white faces. I see we made it... over the wall!"

Uncle Grumpy: "I just came from the movies. A whole day's pay to see Basic Instinct."Gloria: "Oh! And what do you think?"Uncle Grumpy: "Basically, it stinks!"

Uncle Grumpy: "I just met the girl of my dreams."Gloria: "That's such great news!"Uncle Grumpy: "No! She gave me the termites!"