12 Apps That Someone Smarter Than Me Needs to Create Immediately

1. An app that recognizes actor's voices in commercial voiceovers so that I can finally convince my boyfriend that he's wrong and that that is Julia Roberts!

2. An app that tells me where the closest place to get chocolate is at all times. Hot, cold, doesn't matter.

3. A GPS app that takes me on the prettiest route so that when my friends visit from out of town they think I live in paradise and not in just an average-looking place like them.

4. An app that only features pictures of baby elephants doing things like people because I'm PMSing pretty hard right now and that's the only thing that's going to make me feel better.

5. An app that pulls up pictures/videos of Ciara's super toned body every time I try to give up before my workout is done on the elliptical. I just want to be able to recreate her "Ride" music video, and that's going to take an additional 1000 wall-sits.

6. An app that intercepts all the emails I try to send my professors/employers when I'm drunk and sends them straight to the trash.

7. An app that tells me how to interact with kids ages 7-14 because the one I babysit won't stop asking me if he was hatched from an egg. Yes, and no?

8. An app that hears me pretending to know what a big word means and quickly pulls up its definition so that when I casually look at my phone like I'm checking it for texts I can read up and seem really smart.

9. An app that translates "I'm on my period," into different euphemisms that my boyfriend will understand.

10. An app that will warn me when Demi Lovato is playing on any radio station in my area. Because I can't, and I won't.

11. An app that pulls up pictures of teeth seriously stained by coffee every time that I try to drink a third cup.

12. An app that gives me a quick shock every time I start singing "Respect" by Aretha Franklin because it's been stuck in my head for like a month now and I'm starting to lose friends because of it.