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Friday, February 13, 2009

Over the last few years I have tried a million times to tell you how I feel about you but I have never had the strength nor the courage. It seems silly I know. After all we have been together since we were 17 years old. We married at 20 and had our baby girl at 21, and our miracle baby boy at 33. Here we are about to turn 39 and we have been together for nearly half of our lives. And I can't talk to you...

It's not what you think, sweet man.I am not going to tell you anything bad.The kids are OK, I am OK. Everything is fine.

I know the last 5 years have been difficult.This battle I am fighting with my health seems to be unending.I know you will not agree. You would never say I have made life hard for us.You are far too kind and selfless.That's why it has been hard for me to tell you how grateful I am to you.

Although we have never lived a life of luxuries or frivolities, I AM happy.I do not need fancy clothes, cars, or homes to know I am loved.I have you.

Although we have struggled at times to pay the bills, buy food, and keep a roof over our heads, I never wanted for anything.I KNOW I am safe and will never go hungry.I have you.

Although my health has steadily declined since Cameron was born 5 years ago, my life has had meaning and purpose.I have a GREAT life.Because I have you.

You and I have had a thousand conversations about why we always seem to have to fight harder than some couples do for the simple things in life. But I have come to realize that even though we have never lived an easy life, we have lived a life filled with true, honest, giving love. We have watched marriages fail all around us. The truth is the bones of our love story do not rest in the material things.They reside in the fact that we always knew the most valuable thing we have is each other.

As I have struggled to keep up my end of our relationship as my health has gotten and continues to get worse, you have not only become the sole income for our family but on many days, the dishwasher, cook, and housekeeper. I have cried myself to sleep many nights at the guilt of putting all of this additional weight upon your shoulders. I have fought self-hatred.

And yet every time I try to tell you, you shrug me off. Tell me not to worry or that I am being silly. But I know how hard it is on you. And yet you have never wavered. You have never let me feel bad. You have only picked up my heart and made me fight a little longer.

I do not know what I would ever do without you.You give me strength.You love me until my heart hurts.You work harder than any man I know.You make the kids and I your only priority.You are honest, caring, and devoted.

I love you.Deeply and from the core of my soul.You have made me a better person.You have given me the two greatest gifts of my life, our babies.I will proudly grow as old as I can with you.But when the day comes for us to part ways on this Earth I want you to know two things.

I have had a WONDERFUL life and I have NO regrets.And I will be waiting for you in Heaven.

Ah...life isn't easy but if your wise enough to cultivate love it doesn't make it bareable; as you know. I too have fibromyalia along with a host of illness due to LUPUS...I am curious have they DX you with a primary auto immune disease?

I have a blog where I post a lot of information for persons who have physical and emtional disabilities or disease if you will.

Go to www.peercounseling-gloria.blogspot.com or just click on my comment and go to my blog called Got Coffee?

I read your bio in your profile and you make me laugh and smile.......you and I are alike in the area of Tell it like it is!!!

I have a big heart and I too love heart but I will tell ya like it is.

I look forward to following your blog and if you ever need someone to talk to concerning your health problem in other words you would like to talk with someone who understands what your going through and need a listening ear or support feel free to email me at my personal email gaprater@yahoo.com

About

My name is Tammy.
I prefer Tam.
Married to one of the best men I have ever known in my life.
He rocks.
I am 39...A little too close to 40 for my taste.
My mind is so not 39. LOL!
I have 2 amazing kids.
Ash is 18 and graduates from high school in May!
Where the HELL did all that time go?
And then there is Cameron.
He is 6 &uber cool too.
He is going to be the first president/pilot/rock star/fire fighter in the oval office.
I still live with my family in the same little shit hole town I was born and raised in.
I curse like a trucker.
I am an awesome cook.
I love hard.
I can spot a lie from a mile away.
I hate cheaters.
I believe in God but commit a LOT of sin.
Guess that makes me a hypocrite. *sighs*
I make art.
I adore a fantastic photograph.
And incredible typography.
I like to get my hands dirty with paint, glue, and charcoals.
The smell of new books make me giddy!
I'm a speed reader. I used to struggle to read as a kid. Moral of the story: NEVER quit reading!
I am perfectly imperfect.
But I still strive for the elusive "perfection."
My family is my life.