Album Reviews by Marshall Gu

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Rick Ross – God Forgives, I Don’t

Harry Fraud’s a good producer. You wouldn’t know from listening to this album because his only production credit is the intro track. Jake One’s a good producer. You wouldn’t know from listening to this album because Dr. Dre, Rick Ross and Jay-Z try to out-shit each other on “3 Kings” (Worst line on the album is Dr. Dre’s “I only love it when her hair long / You should listen to this beat through my headphones.” Second worst line on the album is Rick Ross’ “I’m just trying to be a billionaire / Come and suck a dick for a millionaire”). Pharrell’s a good producer. You wouldn’t know from listening to this album because his beat on “Presidential” sucks (check out his “Chasin’ Papers” on Curren$y’s The Stoned Immaculate that same year for a much better track powered by the same trick). Usher’s a good singer. You wouldn’t know from listening to this album because his chorus on the hilariously titled “Touch ‘N You” (“N” is shorthand for “and,” which makes this title literally mean “Touch And You,” which sounds like a bad sex-ed film made in the 80s), where he repeats “Fucking you,” is fucking terrible.

“Sixteen” has the best verse on the album, which is troubling because there’s nothing to it other than the novelty of hearing Andre 3000 rap for more than sixteen bars (also: “Ten Jesus Pieces” has an eerily similar beat). “Hold Me Back” has the best chorus on the album, which is troubling because there’s nothing to it other than the novelty of hearing Rick Ross pronounce “THESE” as “DEEZ.” “Diced Pineapples” has the best line (“Call me crazy, shit, at least you calling”) and the best beat (love that guitar) on the album. The more I think about it, the more I think Rick Ross is the black Rob Ford (or maybe Rob Ford is the white Rick Ross); they both lie, they both do drugs, they both feel the need broadcast the fact that they’ve eaten pussy and if both of them were shipped to the Moon without Oxygen, I don’t think anyone would be too sussed.