My Husband Doesn't Know What Or Who He Wants After His Affair

I recently heard from a wife who felt like her marriage and her life was falling apart. A few weeks ago, her husband had come home and confessed that he had been having an affair with a coworker. He insisted that he was sorry and did not want to lose his family. The wife agreed that, although she was devastated, she didn't want a divorce. After thinking about it for a while, she told her husband that she had decided that she wanted to work with him to save the marriage. Imagine her shock and disappointment when the husband told her that he needed "time and space" to decide where he wanted to go from here.

When the wife pressed him, he finally told her: "I'm just confused as to how I feel. I don't want to lose my family and I never stopped loving you. But, I have real feelings for her too. I don't know what's wrong with me because I just don't know what or who I want."

The wife was so frustrated and furious. Here she opened her heart and agreed to work things out with him even though he had cheated on her and had risked their family. But apparently that wasn't good enough because now the husband didn't know if he could let the other woman go. The wife asked me what she should do in this impossible situation. I've seen situations such as this playing out countless times. I'll share my opinion with you in the following article.

Allowing Your Husband To Have Relationships With You And Someone Else Will Likely Negatively Affect His Perception Of You: The wife was afraid to tell the husband that he had to chose between her and the other woman. Of course, she was scared to death that the husband would chose the other woman rather than choosing her. But, what she failed to consider was that if she allowed for this love triangle to go on, she was pretty much conceding that she wasn't valuable enough to have a committed husband.

If she didn't assert that she would not be anyone else's back up, then it was possible that the husband would see her as "less than" someone else. This was precisely what she did not want to happen, but she was afraid of giving her husband an ultimatum. I suggested a compromise. The wife might say something like: "I can't force you to make what I think is the right decision for our family. But, what I can tell you is that I can't maintain an active intimate relationship with you when there is another woman in the picture. That's not fair to any of the people involved and it is disrespectful to me. If you get to the point where you decide that you are committed enough to our marriage and our family that you are ready to completely end things with her, then you and I can discuss this further. Until then, it seems like what you really need to focus on is your own priorities while I will be focusing on our family."

This wasn't overtly cruel or mean. The wife was merely going to be stating her position and asking for a little respect. And I have to tell you that if a man has access to both women, then there is really no incentive for him to make a choice or to be in any hurry to do so. As a result, he continues to be confused and unsure as to what to do. But, when it becomes very clear to him that he could well lose his family as the result of his indecision, then he will usually make a decision much more quickly because there is more at stake.

Restoring Your Self Esteem And Your Self Worth For Your Sake As Well As For His: I knew from first hand experience that the wife was likely hurting very much. It was also likely that she was doubting herself and wondering where she went wrong. This is understandable, but it's so important that you don't dwell in this place. More than any other time, you need to be able to portray self respect and confidence. You need to be able to define and then ask for what you want. Your husband isn't going to respect you if you don't respect yourself.

So, it's vital that you use this time to restore your self esteem, reassure yourself that someone else's actions is in no way your fault, and to be very kind to yourself. Surround yourself with supportive people who love you rather than judgmental folks who bring you down. Almost overwhelmingly, I see that the wives whose husband's come back did not present themselves as second class citizens who just could not live without him. They made it very clear that although they didn't want to lose their family, they knew that they deserved a committed and faithful husband and were not going to accept anything less.

Sure, this situation was going to require work and time. No one is denying that. But, there is no way to put in this time and effort when the husband isn't sure which woman he wants a relationship with. Until he decides this, you are usually better off conducting yourself with grace and self respect. This will put you in a much better position when he wakes up and comes to his senses.

There was a time when I thought I would never get over my husband's affair and that we could never save our marriage. I truly had to learn to be assertive, set boundaries, and ask for what I want. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

My Husband Doesn't Know What Or Who He Wants After His Affair

But yesterday, he finally blurted out 'because I don't love you.' This hurts so much, but it also confuses me because, just three days ago, he was proclaiming his undying love for me and begging for my forgiveness. And, three months ago, we closed on a home that we are having built. Why would a man who doesn't love his wife make plans for the future? And why would a man who doesn't love his wife repeatedly tell her that he does while asking for her forgiveness? None of this makes any sense.

I very often get emails from wives who confide that their husband doesn't want them anymore. This can be a loaded phrase. Sometimes, what the wife means is that the husband no longer seems to be attracted to them physically. Other times, the wife means that the husband no longer wants to be married to them. And, sometimes the wives are describing other situations somewhere in between these two.

I recently heard from a wife who was very emotionally torn. She was trying very hard to deal with her husband's recent affair and, quite understandably, she was struggling. On top of all of this, her husband kept repeating that the huge mistake that he made (his affair) had made him suddenly realize how very much he loved her. He kept telling her that this whole thing had made him realize that he loved his wife today more than he ever had before.

Common comments are things like: "I can't decide whether to stay with him or not after the affair. Part of me doesn't want to see my marriage come to an end and the other part of me feels like I will always hold a grudge and hold this over his head because I'll never really get over it. And that's no way to have a marriage and is likely to make us both quite miserable. I don't know what the right call is at this point. How do I decide whether I should leave my husband or stay?"

I often hear from wives who are doubting their husband's sincerity after they've found out he had an affair. I often hear comments like: "how can I tell that he's sincere when he says he's sorry and will do anything to save the marriage? Because he was lying to me while he had an affair, so why should I believe him now?" Or "is there any way to tell if your husband truly wants to save the marriage marriage after his affair? How do you not know he's not just pretending just to prevent divorce?"

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: "I've been completely ignoring my husband since I found out about his affair. I just don't have any use for him. He's staying with his old college roommate and I do not even feel badly about that. He calls, I ignore him. He tries to come by the house, I don't answer the door. I block his texts and emails. The other day, he left a note in the mailbox that asked 'are you going to ignore me forever?'

I recently heard from a wife whose husband had told her that he didn't want her or love her anymore. Apparently, he wasn't yet sure if he wanted a separation or a divorce, but it was pretty clear that, in one way or another, he wanted out of the marriage. She asked me if there is anyway for a wife to save her marriage when the husband doesn't want that wife anymore. In my opinion, yes, there are ways to make him want you (and the marriage) again.

I hear this question so often. I hear it from wives and I hear it from mistresses. Many wives can not understand how their husbands could look them in the eye and claim to still love them when they have betrayed their marriage vows and cheated with someone else. And, mistresses almost always tend to believe husbands when they claim not to love their wives "in the way that a husband should." The mistresses believe these claims because they want to, while the wives tend not to believe this.

1. He Only Pretends Not to Listen. He heard what you said. He's just not interested in hearing it at the moment. Don't try to give your man instructions or talk about your feelings when he's watching TV (especially sports), eating, reading, or has just come home from work. He will only be half listening. His mind is on other things like: will his team win, his day at work, how hungry he is, etc.

She asked, in part: "do some men cheat because they want a divorce? I suspect that my husband is guilty of this. . A few months later, he cheated and didn't make much of an effort to hide it from me. It's almost as if he wanted to be caught. And since he knows that infidelity is unacceptable to me and grounds for divorce, I think that his cheating was part of a plan to end the marriage. The weird thing is, now that the affair is out in the open, I'm not sure if I want a divorce.