John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

Sometimes the best way to help someone you love, is to help yourself. (Published 4/16/2013)

Q:

My Mom died about a month ago. She was my best friend and I miss her horribly. I seem to be dealing with it. I cry in the middle of the night sometimes, but I'm able to go on with my daily life. I'm worried about my Dad however. They were married 60 years and he's lost without her. He seems to go on with the daily mechanics of life, eating, bathing etc., but he's just a shell of himself and is starting to pull away from me and my children. If he comes over he doesn't stay long and if we go over there it's like he wants to rush us out. I've asked him about going to grief therapy but he refuses. He says he has to do it by himself. I'm afraid he will just retreat into himself and not want anyone around. He's just so sad and broken. What can I do to help him?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Patricia,

Thanks for your note and question.

There are so many elements in your story.

First and foremost is the missing of your mom-best friend, who was obviously so important in your life. We imagine that she was the person you would normally go to when your heart hurt, and now her absence is the cause of your pain.

Next is your concern for your dad and his well being—and we’d also guess, the impact that his pulling away has on your children—as well as you. Although we don’t know the ages of your children, we know that it’s still awkward for them to see him not being emotionally available, and him not letting you or them help him or be there for him.

The problem is that he’s probably pretty fixed in his ways, and one of his ways is to do it on his own. And, every attempt you make to either help him or suggest he get help, may push him further away.

The best thing you can to to help him, as strange as it may seem, is for you to help yourself. Go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. As you read it and take the actions it outlines, something will start to shift in you. As that happens, the way you talk about your feelings will change, and your dad will see that. It may – only may – encourage him to open up and talk about what he’s feeling.

The real key is for you to go first, not try to get him to go first. The same is true with your kids – regardless of their ages.