We are just husband and wife

In the past week there were many Facebook updates about friends and classmates from the University days celebrating their wedding anniversaries ranging from 7-10 years. There was one thing common in the photographs in all the updates and that was Happy looking couples confessing their love for each other in written words for the world to inhale and exhale.

From my childhood memories, there were 2 photographs of my grandparents. One was of my Nana-Nani (maternal grandparents) and the other was of my Dada-Dadi (paternal grandparents). In both the photos, each one of them had stern and conscious looks on their faces. But that was a different era and it will go against my ‘sanskaari pravarti’ to even call them couples.

One will get the same looks as those in my grandparents’ photos if one was to click a photo of my in-laws together as a couple. None of them will even try to smile. They must have been married for 45 years.

My parents can still manage to get themselves clicked together in one frame slightly smiling, which I am sure is for the camera, in spite of being married for 37 years.

This makes me wonder what will make of me and Amit when we get old and what will our photos tell about us as a couple after 30 years of marriage.

Next year it will be our 10th wedding anniversary and it seems unbelievable. These 10 years seem to have passed in a blur with all the highs, lows and plateaus. Yes, there will be a Facebook update from my side, being the Facebook addict that I am , but minus any love confessions. Why if you ask so?

Then I am going to tell you a dialogue from a funny movie by the name ‘Flavors’. An elderly couple Mr & Mrs Gopalakrishnan visit their son in United States who is getting married there to an American girl. They meet the girl and the girl very sweetly mentions to them that they (the elderly couple) must be so much in love to have stayed together for so many years. At this Mrs Gopalakrishnan fumbles and tells her “Oh no no….we don’t talk about love back in India, we are just husband and wife.”

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33 comments

I just celebrated my 5 year wedding anniversary. So many people I know have gotten married in October that I saw a mushy-gushy anniversary post for, what seemed like, every day of the month!

I guess my husband and I have been going through a “low” lately, so I didn’t partake in the FB love confession that everyone else was doing. I love him, but it’s hard to come up with that stuff when I’m not at a high point. I hope that makes sense!? 🙂

It makes sense Emma, completely. It is not easy to deal with such things when one is feeling low about it. Let it pass on 🙂 Highs and lows are a part of life and includes married life too. And then there are plateaus too somewhere in between the highs and lows which keeps everybody moving on at a particular pace.

I don’t know where my husband and I are right now. We are parents to our son and companions – i.e. we live in the same house – but I don’t now that there’s much more left. Would it be strange to say I’m fine with that?

I think I can understand what you are trying to say. I have to tell you that you are not alone feeling this way. You know my both set of grandparents, my in-laws and my parents – all were (the dead ones) and are (the living ones) companions, same as living in the same house, being parents to their children and caring for them. And yes they were all fine, not really great but fine. To some extent even I feel the same for myself and then I divert my energies to writing and blogging to feel the satisfaction and to feel great.

Oh I know what you mean here! We were in Kerala earlier this year and saw a couple on their honeymoon at a sunset point. One can easily guess a Punjabi bride by the chooda! So, they kept taking pictures of each other and an occasional selfie. Hubby offered to click pictures of them and asked them to pose. Oh were the poses awkward… They would not even stand with shoulders touching while a few minutes back they had been joined at the hip! Something to do with the camera…!

cute post! i have not seen the movie you mention, but will check it out. i cannot say that i have come across married people with the mentality that you mention, but i can understand its existence here..

when obama visited india recently, i noted his and michelle’s constant hand holding.. i found it very sweet and decent. it is not something that you see in india, but me and my hubby hold hands a lot in public as well.. it made me wonder if that made us seem weird here?!!

The movie is hilarious and is available on you tube. You will definitely have a blast watching it. Holding hands in public places should not be deemed as weird though it is true it is not a common phenomenon with much married couples in India.

My husband and I not demonstrative in public nor do I believe in too much public mushy gushy stuff on social media (wasted on hubby, who refuses to get on FB, anyway! 😉 ). Honestly, love is a very private emotion and we demonstrate in the every day business of life – since we’re together almost 24/7, given the nature of our respective work! Believe me, when two people are as independent-minded and vocal as we are, it must be love that we manage to get on famously despite all the time we spend together.
PS: Take every loud show of love for parent, spouse and child on FB with large pinches of salt. 😉

Nice post, Anamika! Like you, I too have often wondered why some people proclaim their undying, all-encompassing love for their spouse so explicitly on social media, and, then,getting to know some of these people very closely, have found out that it is only because they hardly interact or spend time to talk to each other at home, (so much for love!) Real people fill each other’s cup but don’t necessarily drink from the same cup to ‘show’ their love!

Thank you Esha 🙂 I agree with all you have said. Obe theory questions – do
they do this for the sake of Facebook likes because higher number of likes is so very elevating and gives a boost? I also devised another theory that these couples have so much love in their lives that it spills out from their private spaces into the outside world. Nevertheless, it gave me a chance to analyse the real relationships around me as well as mine too.

Certainly, Anamika! I do think that exhibitionists do this on social media primarily to attract particular reactions more than the love they carry in their hearts for each other! Also, sometimes they need the affirmations from other people to know that they “look perfect together”or are “meant for each other”because the state of affairs might be otherwise! Whatever it is, there are those who “show” and there are those who don’t.To each his own 🙂

I haven’t seen the movie and I loved your post. VT is not at all expressive and I share a lot over my blog and otherwise as well. But it’s obviously love that has kept us going for the last 9.5 years. I feel we grew up with each other so we are comfortable in each other’s company. Now also when he is away, we are on skype most of the time after work. Just like 6 years back when we were managing a long distance love affair. The mushy part of love – is just not for us I guess 🙂

I like reading all the thoughts that you write and express about your relationship with VT, on your blog and otherwise, because they come across as the most genuine feelings emerging from the core of love.
Do watch the movie ‘Flavors’. It is an ultimate hilarious movie and is available on You tube. I first watched it in 2006 and ever since have been watching it once or twice every year 😀

nice one Anamika.. Even I observed this from elderly couples and I think, our generation is changing it 🙂
And these days I see people posting honeymoon photos and many intimate photos in facebook though I don’t like it much to that extent.
However, Happy anniversary and wish you many more happy years together Anamika 🙂

Aah the likes of honeymoon photos!! I think we have got old enough to appreciate that because I am not comfortable watching them either 😀
I wish we are able to keep our smiles intact when we get much much older 🙂
And thanks for the wishes.

It seems sad to me, that these long-term couples are not smiling. Hubby and I have been married for 42 years and together for 44 years. We are more in sync and happy now than we ever were in our younger days. As for social media, I do talk about him all the time (but not in a gushing way) and make yearly anniversary posts but he’s a complete technophobe and doesn’t even do email. I hope you have a wonderful 10th anniversary and celebrate in style!

I absolutely love the sight of older couples smiling and looking happier together in each other’s company. However, this is a rare sight and atleast I have not seen such people around me. I have my theories about this.
I feel happy for you that both you and your husband are in-sync and happy together even after 44 years and that’s the way it should be 🙂 – growing together and not growing apart.

Over the years of being on Facebook, there are some anniversaries (ours, like Emma’s, is in October) that I post a loving message, and some that it’s a simple picture. We just passed the 26 year mark, and our relationship (like so many others), ebbs and flows. Interesting the difference in attitudes across generations and cultures.

You know what Traci, I hate to admit it but traditionally the Indian culture just like any other culture lays huge emphasis on love in every relationship but almost de-recognised the feeling of love for the spouse and still majority of people consider love marriages against the cultural values, almost making it a taboo. This is changing with times though.
It is true that the longer you are married, the incidences of ebbs and flow increase. The important part is to consider that when we are flowing, are we flowing together or apart, irrespective of facebook? I am not sure if I made any sense with it or am I talking to myself here with this?

I’m not sure the incidences of ebbing and flowing have increased the longer we’ve been married, or if we’re just more comfortable with the ebbs, having learned to take it less personally. I completely agree that leaving Facebook, or anything that falls under the category, “What will people think if we don’t show a loving face to the world?” out of the equation is very important. Oh, and yes – you made perfect sense. 🙂

This made for an enjoyable read. I neither believe in proclaiming my love for my husband on social media nor do I blindly believe the mushy words and lovey-dovey pics shared by others. Taking it with a pinch of salt is my mantra. Best wishes to you and your husband on your anniversary and wishing you happiness and togetherness, always 🙂

Haven’t seen that movie. I loved the way you brought your point, Anamika. I don’t think I have done any love proclamations in Facebook yet, though many times I felt like it. Knowing my husband, that will be a vain proclamation. 🙂 I am okay with the anniversary love declarations, even though some are too much, but the love you jaans on every photo posted on facebook, regardless of how long you are married, it is way too creepy for me!

This is the third time in this space that I am recommending watching this movie. It is ultimately hilarious and available on You Tube 🙂 I agree with you on the creepy parts of those love proclamations that get irritating.

I am not a mushy online person either…while I take note of my anniversary on FB each year, I am not one to write a big long blurb about our love. I often find the people who have some of the worst marriages have the longest blurb about how amazing their marriage is…which equates, to me at least, that they are trying to seem happier than they are and that just makes me sad for them.

So I keep our love proclamations to a minimum because the people who care most about how much I love my husband (my husband himself, our families) know how strong our love is because they see it in our actions towards one another. I think actions speak a lot louder than words do any way.

I agree with both your points. If there is a strong bonding between 2 people in a relationship based upon love and understanding then it is much easier to let the other person know personally through action and words. There will absolutely be no need to shout from the rooftops especially on social media. And if one really needs to satisfy the writer’s urge of one’s personality, writing a handwritten letter will be so worth it ( off course if the other person can survive reading 😀 )