TL;DR:

A fast-acting self-tanner so good, I had to end my relationship with a professional. Here’s how I broke the news.

St. Tropez Self Tan Express Bronzing Mist Review

My dearest Audrey,

You have known me so well these past five years. You know my home, my bathroom, my shower walls. You have seen me in various stages of undress, but who are we kidding? Why dance around it? I’m almost always naked (except for the tiny little black underwear. You know the ones I’m talking about, right?). Audrey, I have to tell you something. You’re the best. You put the “Sweetheart” in Sweetheart Tan. You were always there! (Technically it was called a house call and you made them in Manhattan and Brooklyn but you always made me feel special.) There’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to say it: I can’t see you anymore.

This new spray-tan thing — St. Tropez Self Tan Express Bronzing Mist — is like you, only I can keep it on the bathroom shelf and use it anytime I want to. (I thought about doing that with you — I really did! — but it seemed so...illegal.) Anyway, this self-tanner has a nozzle thing that makes no sense but works right-side up, upside down, and sideways. And it basically means I can spray-tan myself wherever I damn well please. I leave it on for an hour to look glowy, two hours to look like I’ve been on vacation, and three hours to look, like, damn. Then I rinse it off in the shower and go to sleep in my baggy gray sweatshirt. Yeah, I know you know it. When I wake up, I look freaking good.

It also has a scent that was created by Givaudan — yes, exactly, the fragrance house — so it smells awesome!! OK, that’s not totally true. It smells nice. But the point is that it doesn’t smell like self-tanner, which is the cheesy, embarrassing, telltale price of looking good. Don’t be coy; I know you know what I’m talking about.

I’ve loved our years together. And I really want us to still be friends. I can come by your new place one of these days and you can even spray me! For old times' sake! I hope we can stay friends. And if we do see each other, I promise not to be tan. I’m not cruel.