Hoping to calm a nation whose
nerves have been rattled by economic woes, President-elect Barack Obama
today delivered the first in a series of numbingly boring speeches
designed to put the nation to sleep.

Viewers who were able to remain awake for the entirety of his speech
could boil down Mr. Obama's economic plan to two points: stimulate the
American economy while tranquilizing the American people.

"The President-elect is well aware that Americans are having trouble
sleeping," said chief of staff designee Rahm Emanuel. "These speeches
are designed to fix that."

By that criterion, Mr. Obama's speech on economic matters today was
a huge success, with over half of his audience losing consciousness
five minutes in.

"That speech was a home run," Mr. Emanuel said. "If he gives more speeches like that, you can throw away your Ambien."

But even as Mr. Emanuel was touting his boss's sandman-like oratory,
Mr. Obama's Surgeon General nominee, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, offered
Americans the following warning: "If you are listening to one of
President-elect Obama's speeches on the radio, do not attempt to
operate heavy machinery."

Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com.