As a joke, my brother used to
hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas.
He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What
they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because
every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings
were overflowed, his poor panty hose hung sadly empty and grew
increasingly threadbare.

One year I decided to make his
dream come true. I put on sun- glasses and a fake beard and
went in search of an inflatable love doll. Of course,
they don't sell those things at Walmart. I had to go to an adult
bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't
go. You'll only confuse your- self. I was there almost
three hours saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding
me!" "Who owns that?" "Do you have their phone number?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable
doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated
doll suitable for a night of romance that could also
substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool
lane during rush hour. I'm not sure what a complicated doll is.
Perhaps one that is subject to wild mood shifts and using a
French accent for no reason at all. (That also describes a few ex-girlfriends.)
Finding what I wanted was difficult.
Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according
to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book
on animal husbandry. I figured the "vibro-motion" was a feature
Jay could live without, so I settled for Lovable Louise.
She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise
a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help
of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law
was in on the plan and cleverly left the front door key hidden
under the mat. In the wee morn- ing hours, long after Santa
had come and gone, I snuck into the house and filled the dangling
panty hose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also
ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk
on a nearby tray. Then I let myself out, went home, and giggled
for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called
to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present
that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused.
He would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some
more. I suggested he purchase an inflatable Lassie to set Rover
straight. We also agreed that Louise should remain in her
panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came
over for the traditional Christmas dinner. It seemed
like a great idea, except that we forgot that Grandma and Grandpa
would be there.

My grandmother noticed Louise
the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she
asked.

My brother quickly explained.
"It's a doll."

"Who would play with something
like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind,
but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny
continued. I hadn't seen any in the box, but I kept this information
to myself. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay
said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny
was relentless.

"Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was
Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying,
"Hang on Granny, Hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful
old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said," Hey, who's
the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's
friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking
to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It
was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at
home.

The dinner went well. We
made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and
who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded
a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning.
The she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice,
and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed, I passed
cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room,
fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth
resuscitation. My brother wet his pants and Granny threw down
her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage,
we conducted a thorough examin- ation to decide the cause of
Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from
a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately,
thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect
health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party
movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get
out of the house.

This year's advert tells the
story of a little boy, Sam, and his best friend, Monty The
Penguin. This is a tale of friendship, love and giving
someone the gift they've been dreaming of this Christmas.
Click 'HERE' to see this very cute Christmas story.

The story goes that some time
ago, a man punished his 3-year old daughter for wasting
a roll of gold wrapping paper. Money was tight
and he became infuriated when the child tried to decorate
a box to put under the Christmas tree.
Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift to her father the next
morning and said, "This is for you, Daddy." He
was embarrassed by his earlier overreaction, but his anger
flared again when he found the box was empty. He
yelled at her, "Don't you know when you give someone a present,
there's supposed to be something inside it?"

The little girl looked up at
him with tears in her eyes and said, "Oh Daddy, it's not
empty. I blew kisses into the box. All for you,
Daddy." The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little
girl, and he begged for her forgiveness.

An accident took the life of
the child only a short time later and it is told that the
man kept that gold box by his bed for many years and whenever
he was discouraged, he would take out an imaginary
kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it
there.

In a very real sense, each of
us as humans, have been given a gold container filled
with unconditional love and kisses from our children,
friends, family and God. There is no more precious possession
anyone could hold.

On Christmas morning a cop on
horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him
is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to
the kid, Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year
tell Santa to put a tail- light on that bike." The
cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety
violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and
before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse
you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid says, "Well, next year
tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead
of on top."

In 1939, Robert May, a copywriter
for Montgomery Ward, was asked to write a Christmas poem
for the holiday season. May come up with one he called "Rollo
the Red-Nosed Reindeer." Executives of the company liked
the story, but didn't like the name Rollo. So May
renamed the reindeer Reginald - the only name he could think of
that preserved the poem's rhythm. Montgomery Ward rejected that
name, too. Try as he might, May couldn't come up with another
name that fit - until his four-year-old daughter suggested
Rudolph.

The poem was a huge success.
Montgomery Ward published a little book out of it and sold
some two and a half million copies that season. Ten years
later, the popular story about the misfit reindeer was set
to music by Robert May's brother- in-law, songwriter Johnny Marks.
When the song was recorded by singing cowboy Gene Autry,
"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" (betcha can hear it now) became
the second-best-selling Christmas single in history
- after "White Christmas."

But that's just the beginning
of the little reindeer's popularity. Most of us
have seen - on a yearly basis perhaps - the classic Animagic special,
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, which aired for the first time
in 1964 on the General Electric Fantasy Hour. In the show,
Yukon Cornelius, Hermey the Elf, and the misfit toys all help
Rudolph save Christmas. Narrated by Burl Ives, the TV special
has been watched by an estimated 100 million families over the
years. Today the show, and Rudolph, are permanently established
in the Christmas tradition.

Each December, I vowed to make
Christmas a calm and peaceful experience. I had cut
back on nonessential obligations - extensive card writing, endless
baking, decorating, and even overspending. Yet still,
I found myself exhausted, unable to appreciate the precious family
moments, and of course, the true meaning of Christmas.

My son, Nicholas, was in kindergarten
that year. It was an exciting season for a six year
old. For weeks, he'd been memorizing songs for his school's
"Winter Pageant." I did not have the heart to tell him
I'd be working the night of the production. Unwilling
to miss his shining moment, I spoke with his teacher.
She assured me there'd be a dress rehearsal the morning of the
presentation. All parents unable to attend that evening
were welcome to come then. Fortunately, Nicholas seemed
happy with the compromise.

So, the morning of the dress
rehearsal, I filed in ten minutes early, found a spot
on the cafeteria floor and sat down. Around the room,
I saw several other parents quietly scampering to their seats.
As I waited, the students were led into the room. Each
class, accompanied by their teacher, sat cross-legged on
the floor. Then, each group, one by one, rose to perform
their song. Because the public school system had long stopped
referring to the holiday as "Christmas," I didn't expect
anything other than fun, commercial entertainment - songs
of reindeer, Santa Claus, snowflakes and good cheer.

So, when my son's class rose
to sing, "Christmas Love," I was slightly taken aback by
its bold title. Nicholas was aglow, as were all of his classmates,
adorned in fuzzy mittens, red sweaters, and bright
snowcaps upon their heads. Those in the front row-
center stage - held up large letters, one by one, to
spell out the title of the song. As the class would sing
"C is for Christmas," a child would hold up the letter
C. Then, "H is for Happy," and on and on, until each child
holding up his portion had presented the complete message,
"Christmas Love."

The performance was going smoothly,
until suddenly, we noticed her; a small, quiet,
girl in the front row holding the letter "M" upside down -
totally unaware her letter "M" appeared as a "W".
The audience of 1st through 6th graders snickered at this little
one's mistake. But she had no idea they were laughing
at her, so she stood tall, proudly holding her "W".
Although many teachers tried to shush the children, the laughter
continued until the last letter was raised, and we all
saw it together. A hush came over the audience and eyes
began to widen. In that instant, we understood - the
reason we were there, why we celebrated the holiday in the
first place, why even in the chaos, there was a purpose for
our festivities. For when the last letter was held high,
the message read loud and clear:

As Christmas Day fast approaches,
we are entering that part of the annual rush called
"Guy Christmas" (aka "Christmas Eve"). It is
that portion of the shopping season in which Real Guys get
ready for the holiday.

This process has three phases:

Making lists: For Real Guys (and
you know who you are), the list-making process involves
waking up on Christmas Eve morning, mentally surveying
the number of people needing gifts, and being overcome by
the realization of just how much trouble they are going
to be in if they don't buy them today.

Buying gifts: At this point,
Guys get dressed and go to a store. Or possibly two
stores, but in that case, one of them always sells hardware.

If the Guy is buying for a significant
female, he will stop by the lingerie or perfume counters
and make a selection. However, he will never, ever
stop by the makeup counter. There are limits.

If he is buying for a child,
he will go to the toy department and buy something
he would like to play with himself.

Then he will go to the hardware
department and do the same thing.

Wrapping gifts: Now it is Crunch
Time. If our Guys have exercised a due amount of care
and judgment, it is still before 10 a.m. That means
they have all day to wrap them.

The wrapping process is composed
of two parts - Procras- tination and Desperation.
Part One involves leaving the presents in the trunk and watching
whatever games are on the tube today.

Part Two occurs when the last
game ends, and the "uh-oh" process commences. Our
Guy locates the wrapping paper, ribbon and tape by the simple
expedient of asking the nearest female where she keeps
them. Then he discards the ribbon, wraps the gifts using
no more than three times the amount of paper the female would
have used, and proudly places them under the tree.

At this point, if our Guy is
a father, the All-Night Complex- Toy Assembly Phase begins. But
that's another story.

It's a matter of my opinion that
Yule love the game we're about to play. In each
sentence below, fill in the blank or blanks with an expression
commonly used at Christmastide. Answers repose at the end of
this column.

1. On December 24, Adam's wife
was known as _____ _____.

2. In Charles Dickens's A Christmas
Carol, Scrooge was
visited by the ghost of _____ _____.

3. An opinion survey in Alaska
is called a _____ _____.

4. What does Santa Claus do
with his three gardens?
_____, _____, _____

5. What Christmas message is
conveyed by these letters?:
ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ. _____, _____

6. When the salt and the pepper
say "Hi!" to each other,
they are passing on _____ _____.

7. A holy man bereft of change
could be called _____ _____.

8. When you cross a sheep with
a cicada,
you get a _____ _____.

9. A quiet medieval armor-wearer
is a _____ _____.

10. A cat walking on the desert
is bound to get _____ _____.

11. People who tell jokes on
December 25 might
be called _____ _____.

12. An airplane disaster in Israel
is a _____.

13. Actor O'Connor and actress
Channing are known on
December 25 as _____ _____.

14. What do Spanish sheep says
when they wish each
other a Merry Christmas? _____ _____.

Meretricious
to all! And don't forget that There's No Plate
Like Chrome for the Hollandaise.