Equal Opportunity Soulsucking

I read an article once about how, as you get older, you mind fills up with all the useless knowledge you’ve accumulated over the course of your life. The idea behind it was, that as you age, you eventually get so full that you are not able to gain new information or ideas, and it starts to eat away at your short term memory. One of the many ways that we are able to tell that our Congress has grown far too old and feeble to actually be in charge of anything is how often they repeat the exact same arguments for slightly different situations.

Like, if we allow this, the next step is people marrying horses. In the 1950s, it was an argument used to try and oppose interracial marriage, now it’s used for the new hot button issue of the day is Homosexual Marriage.

It’s a terrifying topic to talk about, because it mixes two of the things that make the majority of Americans squeamish, the logistics of gay sex, and the soul shattering idea of marriage. It’s also a completely unreasonable argument pushed to the forefront by clever politicians to keep you from realizing exactly how much they are ass-raping you on a daily basis. You see any real person with the ability to think for themselves can see it’s a complete no brainer.

Abolish all marriage laws in existence entirely.

What, are you not following me right now? It seems pretty obvious to me that the only real solution to all of these problems is to get rid of the archaic idea of marriage in general. Marriage is an outdated religious imperative designed to force breeding in the masses so that their tribes would be able to produce more laborers and soldiers to fight off the other tribes. We sanction marriage, and provide it with amazing fiscal and legal benefits for basically the same reason. Our government wants people to breed so they have more people to screw over.

The thing is, the ceremony of marriage, outside of it’s legal benefits, is a completely religious institution. As such, individual religious organizations have the right to set whatever requirements they want for marriage within that organization. The Catholic church can then decide if it wants to allow gay marriage by a priest, instead of just pedophilic sodomy by a priest, and the Unitarian Church can make a completely different decision.

Right now, marriage has legal benefits. By being married, you gain power of attorney for your spouse and tax breaks inherently for signing a $35 dollar piece of paper. If Americans truly wish to believe that they are a free country, founded on the pursuit of happiness and the ideal that all men were created equal, then we have to allow legal marriage between any two citizens of legal age. However, to say that, we have to detract from the freedoms of the religious organizations that refuse to perform gay marriages, which also violates the spirit of freedom that our country was founded on.

I am proposing three possible solutions to this particular sticky wicket. They are the only three viable solutions also, as the fourth option is to say, “Screw you, gays,” and that’s not really a solution that going to happen. Sorry, Conservative Elitists, it’s just not in the cards for you to get your way for much longer.

Solution 1 – Complete Abolition of Marriage as a Legal Status in the United States

The first and best option is the least likely option. It creates immediate equality for everyone and completely eliminates the issue, but it does require us to rewrite over 1100 statutes in the US that refer to your legal marriage status. However, it is also the only option that actually solves all of the problems with the issue. Marriage goes back to being a purely social conviction, recognized by whoever wants to recognize them, and ignorable by those of us that understand that marriage, regardless of who is in it is a soul shattering plague on existence.

Solution 2 – Civil Unions for Everybody

The second, and most likely solution is to run the Search and Replace function on our entire government and replace “Marriage” with “Civil Union.” This would eliminate the entire religious argument from the table. The downside to this is that too many people on both sides of the issue have way too big a stick wedged in way too uncomfortable a hole to actual realize that compromise is the only way to get any of what you want.

If you want to have the legal benefits that marriage involves now, without forcing your religious or personal beliefs on another person, this is the way to go. It gives you the best of both worlds. You get the protection for your commitment for your partner that you really should be allowed to have, and the conservative minority gets to shut the fuck up about it.

So put down your signs that say, “I didn’t ask him to ‘Civil Union’ me,” and shut the fuck up and take what you get, because in this solution, straight couples are getting the same thing. You want to get married, convince your priest/rabbi/minister/doktor to perform the ceremony.

Solution 3 – We completely legalize all form of marriage between adult humans in the US.

This solution is the easiest, but not necessarily the best for everyone involved. Religious bigots do have the the right to not want gay marriage inside their religious society. I don’t personally understand why, since I have yet to find any form of proof in any religion I don’t think of as Tom Cruise Crazy that it’s God’s will not to let gays get married, but it’s not my place to point these things out.

Really, the only problem with this solution is that it impedes on the hard fought rights of all dickheads everywhere, and perpetuates archaic, obsolete ideas about social contracts and adult responsibility.

Why Marriage should be Abolished Completely

There is currently a divorce rate of 46% in the United States. 46% of Marriages end in divorce, creating a pretty big amount of wasted government spending on divorce hearings. If we eliminated all of the divorces in America, we would save about $175 BILLIONper YEAR. That’s a crazy huge amount of money.

The reason there is so much money spent on divorce is because we base everything on whether or not you’re married. We grant amazingly huge benefits to married couples, and then, make it super easy to get married. In Missouri, you spend $35 bucks on a marriage license and get 5 signatures, then boom, you’re married.

One final note about Gay Marriage and Divorce Rates

I want to compare the marriage to divorce rates of two countries. One is a country that prides itself on civil liberties and happiness, but denies marriage to same-sex couples, and one is a country that is known throughout the world as being a shithole, but does allow same-sex marriages.

In the first country, 4.95 of every 1000 people are divorced. It’s actually got the highest divorce rate on the planet. The second country, the one that allows same-sex marriages and recognizes them under the law, 0.33 of every 1000 people are divorced, it actually has the 3rd lowest divorce rate.

For the record, those are the divorce rates of the United States and Mexico respectively.

Published by M.A. Brotherton

M.A. Brotherton is a writer, blogger, artist, and fat-kid from the suburbs of Kansas City, Missouri. He’s tasted a little bit of everything the Midwest has to offer, ranging from meth-tweaking rednecks in massive underground cave complexes to those legendary amber waves of grain. When he’s not writing, he spends most of his time screwing around on the internet.