There are times when I love my job. I mean, think about it; it’s a pretty cool gig. I watch movies that I would have wanted to see anyway and rant about them for you sickos. Some would even venture to be a bit envious. It’s a good thing that every once in a while a film comes along that reminds you that any job out there, no matter how cool you think it could be, can indeed suck. Case in point — sitting through crap like Sea of Fear. Oh dear god. Let’s start at the beginning, shall we?

The first thing you’ll spy on the back of the box is a description that basically lets you know that some characters in the film will “ . . . end up dead — brutally slain in the most horrible ways they each could imagine”. Now that sounds promising, no? Scan a bit farther down, and you’ll see the next eye-catching tidbit: a PG13 rating. Hmmm. Brutal and PG13? Something is amiss. Or should I say misfire?

The story’s simple enough. We’re introduced to a few fresh-faced teens looking for a little vacation fun in the sun via sailboat. Of course things go horribly awry. Shortly after singing pirate songs (I shit you not) while sitting around a campfire, each interchangeable drone admits to what their worst fears are. Guess what?! They all involve dying in various ways. I bet you didn’t see that coming. Jesus, my head hurts.

*ahem*

Anyway, after several ludicrously bad music montages the body count starts mounting, and the aforementioned brutal slayings amount to nothing more than a slash here and a throw overboard there. All this leads up to a mid-way plot twist that I am going to spoil for you. If you don’t want to know what happens here, just skip to the rating. I assure you, you will not be missing much.

I know you’re wondering why I am choosing to give a spoiler here, but damnit, I have to get this off my chest. The twist here is that two of the kids involved end up being serial killers, and once they’re out of people to timidly dispose of, they square off. Mind you this occurs roughly an hour into the film, and there’s about a half hour left. Do we get action? Do we get even a little bit of gore? How about some suspense?

We get nothing.

The pair just kind of chase each other around a bit and engage in casual psycho conversation. “I’m a better killer!” “I have more issues!” Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it’s a veritable war of the poorly written words that lasts for about twenty minutes. How could I not mention that?!

The only good thing I can say about Sea of Fear is that there’s not a single bonus feature on the DVD. Thank the gods. I don’t think I could take any more.

Sea of Fear is lost in a sea of mediocrity. Leave it there on the shelf of your local video or electronics store. Better yet, hide it behind shit like Ghost Ship or something. This little sailboat journey into trite terror is nothing more than a cinematic Cleveland Steamer.