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June 28, 2015

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Hello, I'm John Cage, attorney at law.
Congratulations to all you gays on your marriage victory.
You fought for so long to get marriage, and the fighting is not
going to stop there. So I will make sure the person you love and
committed to gets absolutely nothing in the divorce.
You heard me. Nothing.
Bryan Safi: I thought gay marriage was something I really
wanted, but then I realized that sacred level of commitment just
filled me with soul sucking hatred. We fought over everything.
Amos Vernon: For instance, he was still buying almond milk
even though there's a drought.
And he was saying Rosamund Pike instead of Rosamund Pike.
It was awful.

> Thank God for John Cage. Now we're getting
divorced, and we just have to decide who gets the rescue pug.
I do!
I do!
Lauren Palmigiano: Once we got married our ice cream bill
was through the rough. My wife Fran was literally eating the
pay checks I bought home from the auto body shop that I work at,
and boy was I mad, but thanks to John she got husky, and now
I'm going on a Disney cruise with a woman I recognize from House Hunters.
Thanks John.

> Between 50 and...between 50 and 100% percent of couples get
divorced every year, and you trust me, you won't be any different than
any of those other couples, except you probably don't live in Orange County.
I even handle divorces for straight couples, who said
they'd wait to get married until everyone could.
Ben Sheehan: I can't believe it happened.
Katie Malia: It wasn't supposed to happen.

> So what are you waiting for? I'll work out every detail. I'll
handle everything, like who gets the WNBA tickets, the Lululemon
yoga mat, the Barefoot Contessa cookbook, the Barefoot in France
cookbook, the How Easy is That" cookbook, the Sound of Music Sing-a-Long
box seats, and the Living Social sweat lodge coupon, and the
signed Geena Davis still from A League of Their Own.
Yeah, that's the one where she's in the old age makeup.
So when the honeymoon is over, and joy turns to mind numbing sorrow
please call this number: 1-555-Go-2-Hell.
That's 1-555-Go-2-Hell.
And again, congratulations on your victory, and God bless equality for all.
John Cage...