Mashonda Bares All, PART II (Pg. 2)

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You’ve mentioned in the past that Swizz repeatedly denied having an affair with Alicia. Did he ever fully come out and admit to it?My husband admitted to having his affair on Mothers Day 2008, six months after I found out. I didn’t sleep for a whole year. I had to take pills to sleep because I’d wake up in the middle of the night crying. I couldn’t even look at my son some days because I didn’t have the strength and I never wanted him to feel my bad energy. It was a battle. They are just now going public, but this has been going on for a very long time. I refused to really break it down for people to understand because there was no way I could go around not making [Swizz and Alicia] look extra crazy and I didn’t want to put that out there for my son. I didn’t want him to see his father as a monster. But the shit is deep.

What was the last thing you remember doing to keep the marriage in tact?I did everything I could do, but I knew there was no working it out when he admitted his affair to me… he was happy about it. After lying about it for so long and finally admitting it I was like ‘I can’t take it no more!’ In the back of my mind I was like, ‘I have to fight for my family, this is my son’s father. We were supposed to grow old together, we were supposed to raise this baby together, we were supposed to do all these things, I’m fighting for my fucking husband. I don’t care who he’s dating, I don’t care how much money she’s got, I’m fighting for my husband.’ And then I realized… I can’t fight for him… he doesn’t want to be with me. I’m not going to win this one.

How do you fight for a husband? I fought more for the family than I did for my husband. It wasn’t ‘I love you, don’t leave me.’ It was never that because that’s not even me. It was, ‘Let’s work it out for this baby. You can’t leave. I can’t be a single mom. Let’s go to counseling, we are a family.’

Did you ever get a response? None… none.

Were these conversations mainly over the phone? Phone. Person. He lived here for a long time after he left to go be with her. He was back and forth.

Did you guys sleep in the same bed? No, I put him in a different room. I know my worth. I don’t have to beg anybody to want to be with me. I wouldn’t torture myself with that.

When was the last time you spoke to him? We talk almost every day. We have a child so we have to.

Sounds a bit obligatory, are you guys trying to rebuild a friendship? We’re cool. I want to be the best we could be for our son. If my son wants us to hug, we’ll give each other a hug. Whatever makes him happy, you know kids like to see that. And I don’t hate [Swizz], there’s nothing anybody can do to me to really make me hate him. Hate is such a terrible word. It’s strong. I just don’t approve of what he did and how he did it.