Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Who Will Be The Next PB?

Known to her friends as a Rainbow Warrior Rockstar and to her enemies as a Boy Bishop Harridan Witch, Katharine Jefferts Schori certainly provokes strong emotions. But not for long. Soon she will be passing on the baton of leading the Episcopal Church to someone else. So who will be the next Presiding Bishop of the fabulously wealthy but numbers-thin denomination?

There are several contenders for the post of top TEC pontiff.

Felix Dzerzhinsky

Felix Dzerzhinsky, scion of minor Polish nobility and feared head of the Soviet secret police, the infamous Cheka, is widely touted as a possible successor to Schori. "He keeps on mission," stated one pundit.

Anton LaVey

Anton LaVey, renowned Satanist and Dzerzhinsky look-alike, is also in the running. LaVey's "do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law" Crowleyism make him a good fit for the office of Presiding Bishop. LaVey is a serious contender to the pansexualist TEC throne.

Margaret Sanger

The Episcopal Church is an enthusiastic supporter of abortion and champions the right of women to "break through the stained glass ceiling." Margaret Sanger, founder of Planned Parenthood and proponent of Havelockian "sex magicke", is an obvious shoe-in for the position of Bishop-in-Charge of the Episcopal Church.

Gale Sondergaard

Speculation is also building that Gale Sondergaard has been invited to take on the role of "PB". However, it's rumored that Sondergaard is "reluctant to wear the disfiguring makeup," and fears "it could damage her career." Sondergaard could well drop out of the running for the coveted role of leading the moneyed but rapidly declining denomination.

What about a dark horse write-in? A reformer? I'm thinking of none other than Tomás de Torquemada, the Spanish Dominican friar and the first Grand Inquisitor in Spain's movement to restore Christianity among its populace in the late 15th century. He was one of the chief supporters of the Alhambra Decree, which expelled the Jews from Spain in 1492.

An "English Inquisition"? Why not? The first one employed a lot of people, gained valuable confessions, and those who were reluctant to confess met the rack, the iron maiden, the cat of nine tails or a molten hot iron bar up the rectum. Women had rats sewed up inside of them such that they gnawed their way out (in whatever direction) until the blood drowned the rodents.

Would this torments be any worse than having to listen to the witch rant?