Stark raving mad

Holy God. The ultrasound isn’t until next Tuesday and I have almost chewed both my arms completely off. Well, not literally (yet), but it’s the next step. This is just never-ending levels of hard. D helpfully interjected that once we see the heartbeat all this stress will all go away like magic (bibbity-bobbity-f*ing-BOO) and I absolutely snarled at the man. We saw a perfectly healthy normal heartbeat last cycle too, SEVERAL times, and it still vanished like a fart in the wind – just in case he’d managed to forget that little tidbit of information.

And the conversation disintegrated from there, as you can imagine. There were raised voices (mine), lowered voices (his) and wary backing away with hands spread, lest the sudden motion cause me to attack, all bared teeth and insanity.

I have to peel my fingers away from a white-knuckled grip after the first ultrasound. If for no other reason than that I cannot go through an entire pregnancy this frightened. And if the results are bad, there’s not a damn thing I can do. You’d think I’d be used to that mantra by now. If I can get stuff done for my Wed meeting maybe I’ll just take the whole U/S day off. A mental health day is called for, I’m thinking…..

Okay. Thanks for letting me vent, I’ll get back to practicing deep breathing and not growling.

Been here, done it, got the D&C. I totally understand what you are feeling right now – I still cringe when I read about someone thinking they are home free because they heard a heartbeat. Um, no! Sometimes it doesn’t work that way!

Do whatever you need to do to keep yourself sane. And, I agree that a mental health day may be called for.

You will get through this – and you are absolutely right, that you have no control over how this turns out. But, that sure as shit doesn’t make it easier. I found mindless fiction to be one of the best distractors.

ps – thank you so much for posting those quotes from Tricycle. You are right, they are amazingly helpful. If I wasn’t an atheist (in other words, if I had to choose a religion), I would likely be a Buddhist.

You are doing everything right. This cycle is so different than your last one – you know a whole host of things about your body that you did not know then.

Once you hear the heartbeat the risks diminish exponentially, as long as things are “normal”. And with your preparation for this cycle, all the things you know now and have done to be ready – your body should behave in that “normal” manner.

I so know how you feel. Probably nothing anyone can say will make it easier. And it sucks not being able to enjoy even a little part of the pregnancy becuase of being jaded by loss. Just know that when you’re holding that munchkin in your arms, this will fade away like a memory you can only see through water- all wavy and indistinct. You will get there.