May 23, 2016

#KungAkoSiRody: Duterte and the Political Game of Thrones

It’s Monday, 23 May 2016, and I am presumptive President-elect Rodrigo “Roa” Duterte. A lot of people, especially my staunchest critics, are having a field day right now. But what these idiots still deny is the fact that I have always been at least one step ahead.

(In the #KungAkoSiRody article series, ThinkingPinoy attempts to “play the political Game of Thrones” by pretending to be President Rodrigo Duterte.)

1: Stop whining. I indeed am the Presumptive President-elect.

But first, let me clarify one thing to my over-eager supporters: I really am the Presumptive President-Elect, so please stop whining and focus on more important issues. Yes, “presumptive” sounds a lot like “presumptuous”. However, that string of words is the correct and most accurate term to describe my situation.

“Presumptive” means I am presumed to be the president-elect, which is correct because I am not even the president-elect yet. The PPCRV quick count is unofficial, and I officially become the president-elect only after congressional canvassing is over. People use the word “presumptive” because they also presume that the congressional canvassing will reflect PPCRV quick count results.

“President-elect” is also correct because even after Congress declares my victory in late May or early June, PNoy will stay in Malacañan until June 30th. That is, from the congressional declaration up to my June 30 oath-taking, I am not the president: I am just the president elect.

In short, “Presumptive president-elect Rodrigo Duterte” means “we assume Duterte to be the next president based on unofficial PPCRV results showing Duterte will be the person that Congress will declare the president-elect.”

So don’t get your panties in a bunch. Sorry, Republicans, Obama is right this time [JT].

2: I am shrewd. Extremely, undeniably, shrewd.

You call me a mayor of “a remote, dusty city”[ST], as if Mad Max was shot in Davao. However, this is the same mayor who, despite having no political machinery and a shoestring campaign budget, managed to rise from the bottom of the pit [Inq], blindside all of my rivals [Huff], and win by landslide [Inq] on May 9th. Don’t you even see that party PDP-Laban is Senator Pimentel and virtually no one else?

You idiots! This is NOT Davao City.

Even if you accuse me of economic idiocy [CNBC], I think that at this point, you should already take my political genius into account when interpreting my every move. The sooner you recognize this fact, the better for my political opponents who may have you on their payrolls.

So listen and learn.

Since May 10th, you wanted me to explain my every move. I usually tell you the “what”, but I seldom explain the “why” and the “how”.

Why would I do that? Kids, I am not an idiot. This is not a manga series.

Hindi ako si Naruto para ipaliwanag sa inyo ang bawat galaw ko.

Luckily for you, however, ThinkingPinoy was there to blow my cover. To my dismay, that imbecilic blabbermouth explained why I chose Villar for the DPWH post [TP]. After a million hits on that article, a bajillion Filipinos are suddenly awed by my ability to play the political Game of Thrones.

But did you seriously think that that’s it?

You already understand why I chose Villar, but just because you don’t understand my other cabinet choices doesn’t mean I am wrong: I just happen to be smarter than you. Nothing more, nothing less.

I have been an extremely successful politician for over two decades. Past presidents, including this one right now, have offered me national-level positions. I declined their offers time and time again, because I do not like fighting wars that I can never win, because I know how to play the game.

Kids, I was not born yesterday: I am 71 years old, so how in the world can you expect to read my mind when I surpass your wisdom by decades? Everybody thinks I am not a TraPo [Inq], so why are pundits like you evaluating my decisions as if I am a TraPo? Do yourself a favor by not insulting your education.

3: I am not beyond blackmail.

Yes, I have managed to avoid “Plan B” through Villar’s appointment, but what gave you the idea that I am stopping at just that?

Via the Villar appointment, I now know that the worst-case scenario in the near future is a congressional stalemate. Now that I have overcome the biggest obstacle (impeachment), it’s time to deal with the smaller ones. That is, traditional politicians who will attack me as soon as I start my crusade against corruption.

Haven't you watched my durian store interview a couple of days back? That should’ve already given you a clue. To refresh your memory, I said,“Kayo, you ask so many favors, even from me! I can show you the letters! Gusto niyong i-public ko ito? (You want me to show these letter to the public?)”

Here, you can see that I pretty much blackmailed the Catholic Church to force them to respect the Separation of Church and State. After doing that to the Roman Catholic Church itself, what made you think that I won’t do that to anybody else?

I have graciously received every turncoat politician who visits Matina Enclaves, not because I like them, but because interacting with them increases my political arsenal and provides me with more chess pieces, making it easier for me deal with them if and when they turn their backs on me.

The more TraPos visit Matina Enclaves, the fatter my blackmail war chest becomes. If one of those TraPos threaten me a year or so from now, I can simply remind them of what they told me last week. That should shut them up for good.

And no, I have not forgotten Quiboloy. He’s my friend, but I need to distance myself from him right now. How can I speak against the Catholic Church when I appear to coddle another denomination? Come on.

Now, let me tell you how that relates to the elephant in the room: my cabinet choices.

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