Wednesday, October 15, 2014

If Yoda Had Trained Paul Blart, Mall Cop

As you know, J.J. Abrams is directing the first new Star Wars movie in nine years, heralding a renewed franchise that will not only continue the story of films IV through VI, but follow new and familiar Star Wars characters in a series of spin-offs. Naturally, with both Yoda and Obi-Wan Kenobi dead, and Luke busy with the Abrams film, a new mentor will have to be found for the next generation of Sith and Jedi.

I give you, D.W. Wilber of Townhall. According to his bio, "Wilber is a former Intelligence and Counterterrorism Officer, and the owner of Secur-Intel-Solutions" (Our slogan: "We're so secure, we didn't even tell the letter "e" we exist!") I checked their website, and it's charmingly home-made, with a logo that looks like his kid doodled it while playing World of Warcraft, and a motto that smacks of something Wilber scribbled on his PeeChee during Freshman Latin class. (As of press time, their sitemeter shows 883 visitors, although a couple of those are probably me, since I forgot to bookmark it the first time.)

Mr. Wilber's site would appreciate it if you'd mistake them for a sort of store brand Blackwater, and helps the illusion along with a picture of a riot copied from the Web, and a picture of a white guy in jeans standing in the middle of a road somewhere with some brown guys in camouflage and pointing at something off-camera. I feel more secure already.

But who pops up first in their list of clients? Malls. So rest easy, America. Secur-Intel-Solutions may skimp on vowels (probably 'cause they blew their budget on decorative dashes), but they spare no effort to ensure that there is a steely-eyed, cold-blooded killer between those rambunctious 12-year olds and Hotdog On a Stick.

In his spare time, Mr. Wilber would appreciate it if we'd preemptively bomb the restive minority neighborhoods in St. Louis County, Missouri.

Since August 9th when Michael Brown committed a strong arm robbery and was confronted by Ferguson Police Officer Darren Wilson, a confrontation which ultimately resulted in Wilson shooting and killing Brown...

Here's your first lesson, Future Mall Cops O' America: Juxtaposing unrelated events to create the illusion of causation; this skill comes in handy when writing up your report about why you tazed that kid who laughed at your "bike rack" when you bent over to tie your shoe, and who may have been the same kid who earlier stole a watermelon Jolly Rancher from Mr. Bulky's, although you didn't know anything about that at the time. If later challenged, perhaps by an attorney hired by the kid's parents to sue the mall, concede that you did not, in fact, witness the kid committing a crime, or witness a crime at all, or even know one happened, but you felt a disturbance in the Force, as though millions of Plumber's Cracks cried out at once, and were suddenly snickered at.

We now join Obi-Wilber's previous sentence, already in progress.

...Ferguson and the entire St. Louis metropolitan region has been gripped by a constant tug of war between the police trying to restore order and peace and allow the criminal justice system to follow its’ course, and a disparate group bent on continuing the protests and violence.

'These are not the violent, militarized police you're looking for." Here's your second lesson, Stalwart Guardians of Baby Gap: the Force can have a strong influence on the weak-minded. Which necessarily includes pretty much anyone who reads Townhall for the articles.

New Black Panther activists,

Oh, is that guy in town?

black Missouri state senators allied with the protestors and rioters,

Remember, Junior G-Men, to always specify the race of bystanders, e.g., "the black witness claimed he saw me shoot an unarmed black teenager," because it subtly highlights their conflict of interest, i.e., they are too melanin-rich to give an unbiased account of events. (A word of caution: this doesn't work as well when using the word "white" -- e.g., "the white Missouri state senator allied with the white prosecutors and the white police chief of the all-white police department who support the white officer who shot the unarmed black teenager." In this case, substitute "brave" or "courageous" for "white" and maybe end the sentence with "who lives in the house that Jack built" just to lighten things up.)

anarchists who show up anywhere that offers them an opportunity to destroy property,

Boy, I'll say. I worked in an auto dismantling yard in Azusa one summer, and the entire staff? All anarchists. Naturally, I was afraid it might be a closed shop situation, and I'd have to join their anarchists' union, but fortunately they destroy their own governing structures before they can sufficiently mature to organize a framework for collective bargaining.

and white useful idiots who have fallen for the old line of blacks being “oppressed”.

Uh...I didn't check the roll sheet today...None of you guys are black, right? If you're black, raise your hand. Huh...Okay, if you're black and feel you've ever been 'oppressed,' raise your hand, keeping in mind that this will count for half your grade..."

All drawn together for one purpose, to throw out the Constitution of the United States and demand Officer Wilson be arrested, prosecuted, jailed, and executed, regardless of what the evidence shows.

I see some of you who've watched Schoolhouse Rock are scratching your heads, but the Bill of Officer Wilson's Rights that allow white police officers to shoot 3/5s of a citizen before receiving a written warning is in really fine print at the bottom of the Constitution, and it doesn't show up that great on parchment so you probably just missed it.

Basically a modern day lynch mob.

Since Republicans concerned about the existence of voting voter fraud have reached back into the Jim Crow toolbox for a remedy, they should have expected that other fads from that era would be swept along on this wave of retro fashions. However, the fact that blacks (and white useful idiots [but not anarchists, because lynch mobs are too hierarchical for them]) are the ones bringing back lynching is unfair, and probably illegal. It's like those cyber-squatters who register corporate domain names before a company can, and then demand payment or they'll turn JoAnnsFabrics.com into an amputee porn hub. For blacks to lead lynch mobs -- however "high-tech" -- is a clearcut case of intellectual property theft.

Or better yet an insurgency determined to force society to acquiesce to their demands, or else.

Given how well the U.S. has historically done against insurgencies, I'm afraid there aren't enough mall cops in America (even in the Mall of America) to save you now, Obi-Wilber.

After all, what does an insurgency do but riot and destroy property, attack the authorities, in this case the police, and threaten to spread their ‘revolution’. As the Ferguson insurgency has done, threatening next time to “burn down the white areas”.

"Next time"? So white people get one free shooting (presumably with their choice of sides) and will only get burned out of their homes if they ask for seconds? Well, it's not much, but it's more of a warning than Rosewood or Tulsa got.

Once Officer Wilson is exonerated of any wrongdoing in the shooting death of Michael Brown (and he will be) the evidence will show Officer Wilson was justified and acted within the law.

Beyond what the evidence will show the State of Missouri also still has a ‘Fleeing Felon’ law on the books, allowing the police to use deadly force to affect the arrest of any felony suspect attempting to flee arrest.

(Raises hand) Sir? Even the not liberal RealClearPolitics thinks that isn't true, and hasn't been since Tennessee v. Garner in 1985.

This assumes facts not in evidence; but Officer Wilson is strong in the Force -- the Police Force anyway, which explains why they're all so desperately covering his ass -- and anyway, we're trying Mr. Brown in the media, so the rules of evidence don't apply. Say, while we're at it, we might as well clear up our backlog by pinning a few other things on him in order to justify his death: I have it on good authority he also ate all the Früsen Gladje, secretly switched our coffee with Folgers Crystals, and surreptitiously put the ram in the ramma lamma ding dong.

And he definitely was trying to flee. The Ferguson insurgency has threatened to murder police officers and white people in general to achieve “justice” if Officer Wilson doesn’t receive the “justice” they deem appropriate. If we take them at their word, not only will the City of Ferguson burn, but many of the surrounding communities in St. Louis County will also fall victim to the insurgency.

According to witnesses he was stopped and had his hands up. Still, black people are demanding that a white cop face justice, so they should be treated, not as citizens gathering to petition the government for a redress of grievances, but as an insurgency, and promptly bombed back to the Stone Age. On the bright side, they'll finally be in sync with the Ferguson P.D.'s grasp of civil rights.

One hope for stemming the expected violence is that weather prognosticators in the mid-west are correct in that this winter will be as bad or worse than last winter was in the St. Louis region. Perhaps the Grand Jury will release their findings when there’s a foot of snow on the ground in St. Louis and the temperature is fourteen below zero.

And thus endeth the lesson. So let's review: Protestors objecting to the summary execution of Michael Brown by a cop are the moral equivalent of ISIS. Fortunately, they're mostly Blacks, and Blacks don't like cold weather because they're from Africa, so we should play it safe, file a motion for a change of venue, and hold Officer Wilson's trial on Hoth.

13 comments:

Sheri
said...

Scott, I've been in Twitter too long today- I kept trying to favorite every sentence you wrote. Nice job deconstructing the meaning; I would have taken it as just an attempt to drum up rent-a-cop business among nitwits scared of black people. But the belief that police are allowed to use deadly force against somebody whom you later found out looks like somebody who grabbed $10 in merchandise makes this is a lot more scary - I hope Secur-R-Us isn't armed, or if they are, get only one bullet, a la Barney Fife.

I hope Secur-R-Us isn't armed, or if they are, get only one bullet, a la Barney Fife

Sheri, may this come to pass, and may Wilber be the guy who draws monthly inventory duty and has to walk up and down a line of guys in polyester blend uniforms and pat their breast pockets, using the power of his tactical training to distinguish bullet from man-boob.

D. W. Wilbur: the unspeakable (though eminently mockable) in full pursuit of the untenable.

That was completely brilliant, Scott.

It's so reassuring to know we can all sleep safe, dreaming our dreamy little dreams, so long as Dee-Dubya stands wide-legged atop the ramparts of Liberty, defending our freedoms -- Number One Priority: the Cinnabon franchise -- from the hordes of Mud People! Who're always eager to rampage over the least little thing.

This post is really lovely. Scott, I sure hope you archive your stuff somewhere permanent, because you've got the makings of a wonderful 21st C. American equivalent of the Anglo-Saxon Chronicles going here, which should eventually be preserved on parchment in the Smithsonian.

Our feline overlords can examine it in a millennium or so to answer any lingering questions they might have about how anthropoids imagined they were capable of managing the world's affairs.

Thank you Li"l. I'm honored to be the long dead and decayed scribe whose ephemeral writings make future cat anthropologists feel smug about their superior civilization, even though they sometimes pause to lick their butts while presenting a scientific paper.

And GM, I will now never not think of him as "Dee-Dubya" (and I bet President Bush is a little peeved that he didn't lock that up as his hip hop name).