Monthly Archives: February 2015

Every time I move I end up in wonder at how much time I spent with people only to never hear from them again. How easily people toss out years of friendship because of change that makes things uncomfortable for them. Whether a marriage or a move these last few times have hurt the most.

I’ve been told that we never have nearly as many friends as we think we do and far more acquaintances than we think. I’m finding this to be more true as time goes on. Time always reveals the truth and the truth can hurt so much that you just want to give up. Get bitter rather than better. Believe the worst in everyone and not bother to learn from the past friendships and who they were with.

Before I got married I had friends that I had spent every available moment with. Weekends, weekdays, so much time. We laughed, cried, prayed, shared secrets, shared TMI haha! So much. When I got married suddenly I didn’t get calls, no one told me about when they were hanging out. I’d call them and they’d tell me that they were hanging out somewhere and then leave an awkward silence that left me feeling that I very much wasn’t invited.

My husband and I made new friends, married friends. We figured maybe it was that single people didn’t want to be friends with married people. Years spent with these people, weekends, weekdays, secrets, and TMI again. We all laughed and cried together and bonded over how we felt alone in so many things and realized that they were all dealing with the same things.

Looking back I realize we did easy friendships. Only hanging out with people who lived close and it was always at one person’s house cause it was central and easy to drive to. Sure we shared hard times but it was always easy. They were easy going friendships. Evidently too easy going because most of them have easily gone.

I feel like I’ve been tossed away so many times. Looking back and when we go back to visit the only thing we have to talk about with many of them is them wanting current gossip about us. My husband hasn’t heard anything from any of his “friends” he left behind that we hung out with so regularly and almost daily. Nothing. Not one single word. My mind is blown by this. How can someone spend that much time and we all put some effort into these friendships only to toss them out like garbage we don’t want to even smell again? I question my instincts in people.

When we visited last we discovered that some friendships that were a bit more difficult to create were the best ones and the ones we wanted to see the most. We spent hours relaxed and at peace hanging out and spending time with these people and wished we hadn’t wasted time with others.

I’m hoping to learn from these friendships. I’m hoping to get better and not bitter. I’m hoping this heart heals and doesn’t feel used anymore. Perhaps I need to pray for friendships that are only God ordained. Because although our previous friendships were all found through church I don’t see Christ tossing people away they way they have because something new and shiny came along. I don’t want to waste time with people who are going to toss me out like garbage. I don’t want them in my life at all, even superficially. But how do I go about removing them superficially?

It’s like a fake nail. You know those acrylics you always got for prom? If they popped off they removed most of your natural nail and left your finger so vulnerable to being hurt. They’ve already popped up and are just waiting to rip off more of my protective nail so I’m left raw and vulnerable.

Lord, guide me through this lonely time. Help me to make better choices and spend my time with quality people that won’t toss me or my husband away. Don’t let me waste my friendship on someone who only sees me as the newest shiny thing. In Jesus’ name, amen.

The other day, it was either at the memorial or the church service the following day- the weekend was a blur and my brain can’t keep it straight, we sang a song that had “I will not be shaken” sang repeatedly. I began to think about how this could be true. For me, it’s not. I have absolutely been shaken, stirred, turned upside down, emptied out, filled up, and started all over again.
Throughout my life my thoughts constantly get jumbled and too often demand to understand and want to know the whys of every single thing. Sometimes I get answers but when I feel I need them the most I get silence. The silence feels deafening and hurts so much and, unlike in Dr. Who, my heart and brain stores up these moments of silence and goes back to them all the time. I wish I’d only remember the times when I never got the silence!
Then this showed up in my newsfeed on fb; “If you’ve ever felt like God has abandoned you, remember: so did Jesus. Perhaps you are more alike than you realize…”. Talk about a shout after the silence. God is showing me how He can make great things happen from terrible tragedies. He can bring healing to wounds that we never even realized we’re still open. It’s been fourteen years and this broken heart is still broken after losing my mother in-law to cancer. But through the wise words of others and specifically an incredible Pastor (Pastor Matt Molt of New Vintage Church in the Tri Cities Washington, just in case you are ever there and want a great church to go to) my heart is being reshaped and put back together.
This very shaken heart that has questioned God far too often is being made whole again by the God who loves us all so very much.
He heals the brokenhearted And binds up their wounds. (‭Psalms‬ ‭147‬:‭3‬ NKJV)