Mari de Armas, in theory.

Wind beneath my broken wing

I’d like to introduce you to Cuddles the Pigeon. He wears t-shirts and hangs out on Washington Avenue and 7th Street.

He’s your typical Miami Beach pigeon: looking for love, sex and to leave his mark on a freshly waxed Maserati. He also avoids getting speared by the pointy pigeon repellents on the storefronts of Lincoln Road and he never pays for anything he samples at Whole Foods.

He has a weak spot for Brazilian women in spike heels, which is why he moved to the Beach in the first place. He’s never mustered the courage to speak to any of them. Partly because he’s shy. And mostly because of his horrid speech impediment.

Until last night.

When he saw the most beautiful Brazilian model/porn star he had ever seen. He took several double takes to let both his eyes capture her gorgeous body. And decided, right there, that it was time to make a move.

He descended from the top of the Sassy Assy sign and perched himself on the store window for a closer look. While watching her shop for a backless faux twinkle belt, he imagined their life together, their children and their first fight. But, his day-dream was abruptly cut short when Cuddles noticed the bombshell making her way toward the door.

This was his moment. All of his dreams were riding on this single instance.

As soon as she let herself out of the store and on to Washington Avenue, Cuddles flew right up to her. His heart racing and not sure if his sphincter could hold the left over Burger King fries he just scarfed, he floated above her head and said, “You are so fucking beautiful. You make me believe in love at first sight. Would you give me a chance to get to know you? Because I think we could be…”

Unfortunately, that’s all Cuddles was able to get out.

He never expected his Brazilian dream girl to be deathly afraid of birds. Out of her irrational fear and shock of hearing a pigeon speak better English than she, Super-porno-model swung at Cuddles with her Sassy Assy bag and knocked him to the ground.

With a broken heart and wing, Cuddles decided that there was nothing more to live for.

After watching the sunset, he walked right into the intersection, laid down his head onto the pavement and closed his eyes. A few minutes later, he felt himself be carried. Swearing he was dead, he opened expecting to be surrounded by white light, but found that he was being carried by another, super hot, Brazilian woman who held him very close to her chest. Once they reached the other side of the sidewalk, she kissed him and stroked his hair, and placed him carefully under a hedge.

As soon as she got far enough not to notice, he jumped out from the hedge, holding his broken wing, when another Brazilian woman dropped to her knees to see what was the matter. Lucky for Cuddles, she wasn’t wearing undies.

Realizing that this was the luckiest break he could ever have, Cuddles is currently walking up and down Washington Avenue getting continuous action from kind-hearted Brazilian women.

A word to the wise ladies, he does squirt, but at least he means well.

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