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June 3, 2008

Welcome! Finding Hope, Help, and Healing

This is a place to share your story. A place to share challenges, frustrations, fears and your concerns about pornography and its affect on you, your relationships and those you love. Together we can make a difference. Together we can find the answers. Together we can find the strength to create change.

“If your partner remains involved in pornography, it does not have to destroy you or your children. Healthy handling of emotions and healthy boundaries can be learned… whether we move ahead or alone with our partner, we must move ahead. There is a place of peace waiting for us.” —Lili Anderson, PH.D, LCSW and Christian B. Anderson, LCSW

4 comments:

Diony - thanks so much for sharing that quote. I think one of the hardest things for people dealing with a pornography addiction (whether as the addict or the loved one of an addict) is the devastation and hopelessness that comes through in the stories they hear. It's true that pornography opens the door to destroyed marriages, families, and personal lives. But, that door can be closed. Pornography can be overcome. Relationships can be strengthened as you work through the addiction together.

In my experience - both personal and through the lives of people that I love - pornography was just one element that led to the end of a marriage. Typically, it's devastating affects were exacerbated by personality disorders, mental illness, etc. On the other hand, those who have overcome it - and I know many - have done so by being humble, turning to God, relying on those they love, being open and honest, and putting in real effort. Their lives are better now. They have greater love for each other, greater love and appreciation for the Savior, and greater joy. There is hope. Pornography doesn't have to destroy us. It can be and is overcome every day.

I recently found out my husband is involved with pornography. We have only been married a few years and it blew me away. It's so humiliating. I cen't ever look like those perfect women in the pictures. When I told him how I felt, he got angry and said I was making too big of a deal about it. How did it suddenly become my fault? Whenever I think about it I want to cry, but he keeps telling me I have the problem not him. He says he is being a "normal" guy? Does anyone lese feel like this?

Susan,I'm so sorry. I remember well how it feels to know your husband is looking at other women, even if they are only pictures. To me I felt like he was committing adultery with his eyes. From the research I did while writing my book I gained a lot of compassion for those addicted to pornography. They are victims as much as us, as wives, girlfriends, or family members, just in a different way. Don't blame yourself. I know beautiful women inside and out who work hard on their marriages, yet their husbands struggle with pornography, sometimes for years. I can't give you advice on what to do in your personal situation, but I hope you realize you are not alone.God was my strength and he is there for anyone who turns to him.

Susan -First, let me tell you how sorry I am that you are experiencing this in your life. I personally know of the pain and anguish and helplessness that comes with finding out that your partner is involved with pornography.

You need to know that this is not about you. This has nothing to do with how you look or the woman that you are. And, you aren't the one with the problem. Take some time to search your soul, to pray to God, and to find peace within yourself and knowledge of your own beauty and worth. You can't "fix" your husband. He has to do that. And, it seems that he's in the classic place where he's not accepting how serious the problem is. The only thing you can do at this point is decide how you are going to move forward with your life. If he isn't going to - at this point - work on giving up pornography, then you need to decide how to proceed. I chose to get a divorce after years of struggle, but I did everything I could to give my husband a chance to change and I spent a lot of time in prayer and fasting to ensure I was making the right choice. Divorce isn't always the answer. But, I know you can find peace and joy despite your husband's choices. Feel free to e-mail me if you have questions or would like someone to talk with.