Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Any Portage In A Storm: You Can't Go Home Again

Last yesterday in the United America of States we had an election to elect the President. I know I'm not supposed to put spoilers on this blog, but the Milt Romley guy lost and the Barclay O'Meara guy won. Romley's color is red and O'Meara's color is blue, and here's how Canada's spent fuel rod looked after the election:

If you're from some miscellaneous country that isn't America you may be wondering why the blue guy won when there's so much red on the map. Well, they don't teach us much about this stuff in school, but as far as I can tell it's sort of like the Tour de France. You know how Mark Cavendish can win like ten stages but then some scrawny guy has one good day in the mountains and suddenly he's wearing the yellow jersey on the Champs-Élysées? I think it's something like that.

Also, all the candidates are on performance-enhancing drugs, and according to the guy who was drunk in the deli yesterday at 3:30pm on a Tuesday they're "completely full of shit."

As it happens, this church is very close to where I grew up. Just west of the red dot where the water is there is a neighborhood called Bayswater. That is where I lived from toddlerhood up through what Erik Erikson calls the "competence" phase of psychosocial development:

Competence - Industry vs. Inferiority - School-age / 6-11. Child comparing self-worth to others (such as in a classroom environment). Child can recognize major disparities in personal abilities relative to other children. Erikson places some emphasis on the teacher, who should ensure that children do not feel inferior.

It was on the quiet streets of Bayswater that I became the meager cyclist I am today, and it was along the shore of Jamaica Bay that I learned to fire a BB gun with deadly accuracy (assuming you were a rusty soda can about ten feet away.)

About five blocks east of the red dot Queens ends and Nassau County begins, and you enter a neighborhood colloquially known as the "Five Towns," where I lived up through what Erik Ericson calls the "fidelity" phase of psychosocial development:

Fidelity - Identity vs. Role Confusion - Adolescent / 12 years till 20. Questioning of self. Who am I, how do I fit in? Where am I going in life? Erikson believes, that if the parents allow the child to explore, they will conclude their own identity. However, if the parents continually push him/her to conform to their views, the teen will face identity confusion.

Incidentally, if you're familiar with the movie "Goodfellas," you may recognize the Five Towns as the home of the "Jew broad" who is "prejudiced against Italians," and who ultimately winds up marrying Ray Liotta. As someone familiar with the area I can say Lorraine Bracco played the role very well, my only critique being that her accent and wardrobe were a bit too subtle. In males, the two extremes on the spectrum are iconoclastic people like Harvey Milk and Perry Farrell (both from the Five Towns) one one end, and the douchebags from "Entourage" (scripted by someone from the Five Towns) on the other. (Though nowadays much of the Rockaway/Five Towns area is becoming overwhelmingly orthodox Jewish.)

Anyway, to some extent it is the places we live that determine who we become, and I credit Far Rockaway for giving me what little humility I have because kids used to chase me for my bicycle, and the Five Towns for giving me the ability to whine constantly about nothing.

I realize this is more about me than you'd ever want to know, but I mention it all to put yesterday's ride in context. If I were completely unfamiliar with the area I'd have found the devastation in the Rockaways heartbreaking enough, and have felt inadequate for not doing more. However, as we made our way along Beach Channel Drive I remembered all those childhood trips to Rockaways' Playland, and I saw piles of debris and people lined up for supplies near all the familiar landmarks, and this intimacy made it doubly heartbreaking. Even worse, while I had been slightly self-conscious about carrying stuff by bike when I could have carried more in a car, as we made our way every so often someone would actually wave to us and say "Thank you." Thank you? For riding a bike? Please, I'm a smug cargo bike owner, I live for this crap:

(Yes, they even stuck me with the floor pump.)

In fact, this is the amount of stuff I carry on my Big Dummy even on a normal day, except the boxes are usually full of Cheetos instead of blankets.

All of this is to say that it was a pretty emotional day of which I was honored to be a part, which is why I was profoundly irritated to read this:

I saw this just as I was leaving for the ride yesterday morning. It's pretty rankling to be called a "dick" for supposedly dismissing the ride you're at that very moment preparing to embark upon, and I'm surprised that someone who's ever read my blog would actually think I was mocking the idea of Sandy relief--though I guess I shouldn't be, since we also live in a world where people do things like huff gas fumes and buy Budnitz bicycles, so clearly there are a lot of slow-witted people out there. Granted, I do tend to express myself sardonically, but this is because I know the three or four people who read this blog are pretty sharp and don't need someone to coddle them and hold their hands while they read. Clearly though David Schloss does require handholding while he reads, and unfortunately the only person holding it is this equally humorless Byron guy, and I guess together they're two babes in the woods.

I'd leave it at that, except that then I headed to Bicycle Habitat to load up, and they had the gate halfway open for the volunteers in that way that lets customers know they're not really open:

Well, despite myself, I couldn't help going back to that stupid Bike Hugger post and reading the comments on my phone. Needless to say, human beings haven't evolved to the point where we're smart enough to stop walking while using our phones (or at least this one hasn't), and as I was reading I opened the door, walked out without ducking, and hit the gate squarely on my sizable proboscis:

The photo of the reflection above shows you roughly where my nose was in relation to the gate, and I hit it right on the bony part, which is now even lumpier. So as far as I'm concerned, not only did Bike Hugger accuse me of mocking hurricane volunteers and victims in the very neighborhood I grew up in, but they also punched me in the nose. Sure, I could have withheld this bit of information so as not to give them the satisfaction, but because I have something called a sense of humor it's much more important to me to let people know that I walked straight into an iron gate while reading about myself on my smartphone. I'd even invite Bike Hugger to laugh at my pain and humiliation, but they're probably too busy either promoting products or being offended by charity ride plugs.

Speaking of charity ride plugs, Affinity Cycles in Brooklyn is also leading volunteer rides to Rockaway, and here's an email I received yesterday:

"We are going to be accepting donations all week long and going back out again on Saturday and Sunday. Clothing is not really something needed at this point. Batteries, cleaning supplies and food are the big ticket items. Meet at Affinity Cycles at 9, roll out at 9:30. The more folks we have for the ride and distribution efforts the bigger impact we can make. There is still so much to be done."Leaving from 616 Grand Street, Brooklyn to Rockaway Beach Surf Club at 302 Beach 87th St.

I'm such a dick. In any case, there was a tremendous turnout for the ride, especially considering it was a weekday, and thanks in particular to Aaron Stewart-Ahn for organizing the ride yesterday, and if you're itching to use your fancy portaging equipment for a good cause it's heartening to see so many great opportunities out there.

For some reason it's fashionable for cycling fans and pundits to be outraged and disgusted by this whole doping shitstorm, yet to dismiss purchasing a win with a cynical wave of the hand as charmingly "old school." I'm not sure why this is, and if you're going to be cynical about something it seems as though it should be the other way around. If you're watching a doping rider, what you're ostensibly watching is one rider who has an unfair physical advantage over his rivals. (Though in practice what you're most likely watching is a bunch of riders who are mostly on the same drugs.) Sure, it's wrong, but from a spectator's point of view at least there are still the elements of tactics, and luck, and preparation, and relative strength all factoring into the outcome.

However, if you're watching two riders and one of them simply pays the other to let him win, you're not watching a physical contest at all. What you're really watching is a rolling financial transaction. That seems like more of a betrayal, at least as far as the fans are concerned. I mean, if you find watching money change hands exciting then you might as well skip bike racing and stand around in the lobby of a bank.

Of course, none of this is to defend cheating in any form. It's merely to say that professional cycling is a complete sham not worthy of corporate sponsorship or individual attention.

Just back from the bank lobby, watching the people queued at the ATM form a pace line, then an echelon when the breeze picked up. Magnificent sight. Bought a Clif bar off the Bike Hugger guy. I think he marked it up. Are they really $6?

Anyway, you did a good thing. Sorry about your nose. Fuck Bike Hugger.

Why no outrage about the people homeless and killed in the the Caribbean? Seems a bit racist on ol' BikeHuggers part."Fuck 'em, they're poor and don't look like us."And, am I to understand that "David" is sitting in the cold rain without heat, water or electricity bitching about someone making light of a bike ride rather than doing something, like joining the bike ride? In all the comments against Snob, he calls him a "dick" but never says what he did to help.

Well done and thank you for the effort. Bike Hugger is a shitty punch line to his own personal joke. Soon enough he'll flip his stance as he always does and go back to trolling for other people to slander. Fuck him.

so... seriously dude. It is tough to not take critique like that to heart. But don't let it change the way you do business.

You were correct. We, your four readers, are smart enough to read between the lines. And if we can't, we can also make up our own minds. We don't follow what you say blindly. Your readers actually have brains.

As the ride organizer I'm going to try to respond to this in the mensch like fashion that Bikesnob carries when you meet him in person and be polite.

I had no qualms whatsoever about the way Snob posted the article. I welcomed it.

I know for a fact that several people joined the ride due to his post, and Snob's mensch-ness in person is of a very particular, self deprecating humility, so I intuit he wouldn't me to write this. But there were people who were excited he was there. One guy who likes Budnitz may have been offended, but he didn't say anything.

In fact, Snob even ended up leading the ride as a navigator to some extent because he knows the area so well.

He thinks this isn't the case because we projected as many transplanted NYC cyclists do an aura of false invincibility and pretending we knew what we were doing (one of the most important things about cycling in NYC is to pretend at all times you know everything about bicycles especially when you don't) but the fact is we were behind him most of the time.

Many of us use humor in life to get through difficulty. And in the past few days I've been down in the Rockaways I've talked to people in tilted, unmoored, demolished homes making jokes. Because it helps.

I bet a pick-up with a full tank of gas could have done more good, but then people wouldn't get a chance to display their giving (and gawk at the same time). Smug indeed. That being said, I live in Florida and have been on the receiving end of several hurricanes. All help is appreciated, but sometimes you just got to laugh so you don't cry.

We ended up having to bring down a few carloads of donations to the area - one was a trailer for cross country bicycle tours - in addition to the cyclists because we were overwhelmed at the shop by donations we sourced mostly from our customers and whoever got the word out.

Cannot stress enough though how bad the gas shortage here is which made bicycles viable. We were expecting about as much stuff for 15 cyclists to carry down. We ended up with 40 cyclists whose bags were full.

Here's a writeup of the ride at The Atlantic and I just realized there's two photos of Snob checking his phone.

Kudos to all of you who biked out with supplies. I rode out yesterday and volunteered at St Francis de Sales church on Beach 129th Street. I've never seen such devastation, there are a lot of people in need of help.

so you can't make comments on bikehugger, but over on their facebook they have posed the question: Who is the bigger dick, snobber or David?

Well, because the spell check said that Labias was not the proper spelling, i had to google to double check and found this awesome site dedicated to reassuring women that their large labia is indeed beautiful. Not exactly safe for work, but worth reading: http://beautifullabia.tumblr.com/page/2

spell check on facebook just didn't like me adding an S to the end - as in, the plural. so i was just double checking. I'm generally only familiar with labia in the singular - as in my own. which i have been reassured is beautiful as god made it.

I thought the photo looked like the blurry reflection of a flacid dick. Then I figured out the things that looked like 'nads were really nostrils. Much relieved, as I was beginning to question your manhood.

I thought the photo looked like the blurry reflection of a flacid dick. Then I figured out the things that looked like 'nads were really nostrils. Much relieved, as I was beginning to question your manhood.

Mr. Bike Snob. Hopefully in your short life span you've been called worse than "dick." And you have more than three or four readers. Babble, McFly, Grog, Recumbent Conspiracy Theorist, and Samh even send you pictures. And you can't ignore the person named "Anonymous" Annonymous always has lots to say.

Racing bicycle cycles has a long and well-known tradition of buying and selling races.

Here's a hint. When you see a team with no chance at a podium ride tempo at the front and destroy themselves to close a gap, it's probably bought.

Prior to race radios team leaders would visit the cars of competing teams and work out the terms and conditions. Mobile phones, Eurosport live coverage in-car and mobile phones make sure it is all off-camera.

Among the many offenses committed by Lancy-pants McArmstrong-whahhh-doodler is buying another team so they wouldn't chase him to win a U.S. trifecta.

Well, Snub, that wasn´t very nice of you, taking on those little pricky parrots, next time pick on someone your own size, you little smug bully. And, by the way, as we speak Big Bird is alive and well, taking a bubble bath on a pond full of Mitt´s crocodile tears.

Hey, I read every day but never comment. But I think you're in the right here. Those Hugger guys suck. I used to read that blog but quit because it was so boring and lame. Now I know for sure they're humorless dipshits as well.

" it was along the shore of Jamaica Bay that I learned to fire a BB gun with deadly accuracy "

My underlings happened to come across the above information while performing your weekly citizen electronic backround check. The above information has been noted and is now part in your 'Permanent Record' folder.

We have our eye on you mister.

I'm an Independent who was a Democrat and previous to that I was a Republican.

I love your blog. I love All Hail the Black Market. Hell I love Steve Tilfords. I got on BikeHugger. Super serious. I got the fuck out of there. With the quickness I was coming correct to the "X" button. Almost got some on me.

Good for you, Snob. Those of us in California can just commiserate and send [electronic] cash, but the on-site volunteers/workers are truly holding up their side of the wagon. I went to David "Tiny" Schlong's website, and even read his [backhanded & unrepentant] "update". Unimportant idiot.

Down here in the upside down country (australia) Americans are pretty poorly regarded in terms of capacity to detect sarcasm. Bike hugger has just shown us to be correct eh.....Do they come from one of the red bits of the map?

I used to be so damn in love with Lorraine Bracco in the early 90's. Then she went and let Tony Soprano spew his seedicini in her Bracco Taco and it was over between us. She had that halting way of talking that I liked.

We do not have sufficient funds to buy B. Wiggins another TdF victory. He and Vino are planning on storming the continent as a wrestling tag team/ventriloquist act* this winter. So we will have to take him out immediately. Put your best men on this cause we don't want any fook-oops. Sven

Those fookers didnt get me a fookin' blanket while I was laying on the ground the cunts! You get pretty fookin' cold laying on the ground in lancashire in November you know. And don't get me started on cunts with white vans. Cunts the lot of them. Hopefully these ribs will heal in time for me to support Froomey with his tour win next year. That is, if I can get this morphine out of my system in time for my next pee test.

Ah Byron. Corporate shill and utter douchebag. The same man who used a fellow cyclist's death as a springboard for a painfully long self aggrandising blog post about what a great advocate for cycling and cycling safety he was and how he was brilliant and better than all the other bloggers etc. Talk about a cheap shot. The man knows no shame. Fuck him. Fuck Bikehugger. Fuck them in their stupid arses.

Flaming douchebags like those Bike Wankers are the reason WCRM doesn't have to work very hard. They just provide him with low hanging fruit, for free. Thanks, douchebags. This blog wouldn't be as funny if WCRM had to work at it.

Great picture of your fully loaded big dummy. Would you be interested in smuggling oriental restaurant workers from Canada into the USofA? Great pay plus health insurance and an awesome bail bond program.

This constantly amazes me just how blog owners such as your self can find the time as well as the dedication to keep on crafting superb blog posts. Your website is good and one of my personal must read weblogs. I just had to thank you.

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!