Thursday, August 17, 2006

Hi, my name is David Addison. I’m Vice-President Cheney’s chief of staff and a Bush White House legal advisor. I’ve always considered myself to be a behind the scenes kind of guy. While you may not know me, I’m sure you’ve heard of my work. Unfettered presidential power? That was me. Gitmo? Yep, yours truly. And if the NSA is listening into your phone conversations without a court order, you have Dave Addison to thank!

So why on earth would a guy who likes to work in the shadows agree to do an infomercial? So I can tell you about this wonderful new product from the good folks at Tentacucorp, the Consti-2-Shun Document Shredder. It’s taken me years to develop an ability see the constitution as if it were one those hidden picture stereogram posters, enabling me to come up with bizarre interpretations that allow a president to ignore nearly all it’s mandates. But now, with the Consti-2-Shun shredder anyone can tear asunder all inalienable rights in less than a minute! It’s patented crosscut blades are guaranteed to make short work of any parchment upon which your nation was founded!

Gone is the fuss and muss of my signing statements, my fairy tale assessment of a president’s supernatural powers during wartime and the institutionalization of water boarding! Now with the click of a button, I can shred the constitution, the Bill of Rights and the Declaration of Independence before I finish my first cup of office coffee! The Consti-2-Shun shredder will not jam and leaves nothing but unreadable confetti for bleeding heart hippie liberals to cry over. In these troubled times we need tools like the Consti-2-Shun shredder to protect us from all documents which might grant basic rights to terrorists bent on destroying our way of life. Can your home be without it?

Order before midnight tonight and you’ll receive a copy of my book “So Your Boss Shot An Old Guy In Face” as well as a years supply of Consti-2-Shun shredder blade lube, all at no extra cost! Call now! NSA operators are standing by!

5 Comments:

No parent should be without one of these as a defense against pesky kids demanding rights like food, shelter, and clothing. Bosses should have them for employee rights like overtime and breaks. Brilliant!

In some states, criminals cannot profit from writing a book about their sordid experiences. But the criminals running the country today are certain to reap millions when they return to "private life." How's that for a comforting notion?

Heck of a job, Mr. Addison. You and your boss got rid of all the "red tape" we used to call the law of our land. How can we ever thank you? I tell you what, I'll take two if they will come with a recipe for lame duck.