Monday, December 18, 2006

In his earlier days Mr. Haigh was quite the man about town, or rather he became one, after murdering serveral well to do socialites and dissolving their corpses in an industrial vat of acid, making sure he was benefactor to their fortunes. This scamp kept on fuelling his desire for cold hard cash with cold hard murder, making sure his wealth was accruing while his victims were dissolving.

But one can't keep on liquefying the upper echelons of society forever just to make a crust, no one can't. In one of his more lucid moments Haigh came up with a sterling idea: tennis! Yes, tennis. The sport of kings and queens, a sport that attracts very princely sums for tournament winners and a sport that attracts all manner of wealthy socialites. Just in case the day on the court dosen't go as planned theres always some candidates in the stands that can make sure Haigh gets paid.

Mr Haigh got his sums right on this one. The lucrative tennis tours take him around the world, while the acid does it's work at home on his victims sought in the off season. It's a winning combination that makes sure Johnny's kept in all the finery and affluence he's grown used to.

Serving up murder and aces in equal numbers. Do us proud Johnny!

But where does a burgeoning young tennis star and successful serial murderer go from here? Well, it's onto the pro tour and then on to knocking off some lower european royalty for our boy. Yes, he has his sights set on some blue blood to line his coffers (and his acid vats) in the near future as the tour wings its way around europe.

Keep up the good work John, and remember: all that backhand training will help no end next time you need to need knock some wealthy widow's skull right up the back corner of the court!

Mr Haigh's previous works in his field of excellence can be viewed here

Saturday, December 16, 2006

How does one of Russia's most notorious murderers spend his time when he isn't reducing the population one person at a time? Why he golfs, of course! Second only to killing the lowest rungs of society, Chikatilo enjoys nothing more than taking in a round of 18 holes after stabbing 18 holes into his latest victim.

Andrei Chikatilo has killed so many over the years, not even the police know exactly how many. Although this colourful zealot was convicted of 52 murders, only he himself really knows how many people he's actually finished off. Indeed, if he keeps track of his victims like he keeps track of his golf score no one will ever know!

This renaissance murderer likes nothing better than carving up the links after carving up some children. Always an endearing character on the fairway the only thing worse than his slice on the tee is when its disembowelling a prostitute after drinks on the 19th.

In a recent interview headstrong Andrei mentioned his passion for golf was only matched by his passion for murder, to quote: "If only we could get more kids enjoying the game and becoming members at our local clubs, I'd be able to halve my monthly petrol bill, and my handicap!" cackled an excited Andrei.

Teeing off on the Intermediate Course

So what lies ahead for Chikatilo in 2007? With his determination and incomparable focus, he intends on turning pro in the first quarter of 2007. "I know I can do it, when you are this passionate about what makes you happy you only need ask my last 52 victims to know how much I want this to happen... well, if they weren't stabbed to pieces in shallow graves they could tell you, that is."

We look forward to seeing Andrei tearing up the links and tearing up more innocent russians in the very near future.