Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Soccer Tiebreaker Solutions

As it stands right now, Soccer ties are broken in elimination games with a shootout, following 30 (excruciating) minutes of overtime. "Shootouts are awesome!" you say? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. It isn't the worst overtime system in place in a major sport, THAT'S for sure.

But because controversy is what we're all about today at Mind Grenades, here are some awesome alternatives we just thought up:

Flop Cards

Yes — flop cards. In addition to the red and yellow penalty cards issued over the course of a game, referees would award flop cards (Blue ones maybe? Primary colors and all…) to players blatantly faking injury. If the game is tied at the end of 120 minutes of play, the team with fewer flop penalties wins.

Boom.

This fixes everything. No more ties, no more wasting time at the end of a close game in hopes that you can pull out a shootout win, and far fewer national heroes rolling around on the ground as if they'd been shot in the kneecap.

Christiano Ronaldo? Never heard of her.

And what's more, teams still have something to play for if they draw several flop cards instead of holding off a superior team for two hours.

[Standby for the upcoming "Ways to fix NBA flopping" article.]

Extra Soccer Ball

90 minutes down and still no goals? No problem: extra time means an extra soccer ball. Now teams will have to run around like we all did in fifth grade trying to keep track of two different balls. If the first 15 minutes of extra time passes without a score or if the teams are still tied, add a third ball and play until the first goal — sudden death makes everything better.

Goalie Time

Everyone clears off the field except the goalies and a teammate of their choice. The teammate mans the goal. The ball is set at centerfield and the goalies race from opposite ends of the field in a battle of physical speed and mental chicken. Collisions at home plate will be nothing compared to the first time two headstrong goalies collide in the middle of the pitch. 2 on 2 soccer decides the game.

Dodgeball rules

When extra time begins, goalies must keep to dodgeball rules — if they swat a ball away, they're out. If it hits them in any way and they don't catch it, they're out. Open net. If they do catch the ball, the player who tried to score is out. This would add a thrilling new dynamic to extra time.

Losing team gets heads shaven

Games that go to extra time now have added stakes — the entire losing team must shave their heads directly after the game. In just a few years, longer hair in soccer would grow to become a sign of elite level dominance.