Author
Topic: Unwanted flirtations on facebook. (Read 2999 times)

I have a facebook friend who is a person I know from my city, but not well - I would call him an acquaintance. We met at a community arts group, and have interacted on facebook mostly having topic based discussions about topics we are mutually interested in - until now. Recently he has started commenting on my posts with humorous comments that have trended more and more towards innuendo and flirtation. He is a pretty witty person so these aren't really overt comments, more based around subtext, but I had a friend read them over and she confirmed that they are definitely flirty - stuff like joking about us running off together to start an orchid farm and stuff that would be funny if it was one of my female friends or some of my male friends who I have that type of relationship with, but he is more just some random dude. I am wondering what a polite way to say "hey buddy, I'm engaged, knock it off" is? He's been introduced to LordL, and I have mentioned him as my fiancée in conversation at least once and I'm listed as engaged on my profile, so he shouldn't be misunderstanding my relationship status for any reason. I don't want to make it awkward when we see each other at the arts group though. Another friend suggested saying "hey, your comment about the orchid farm was funny but my relatives might wonder why you're talking about us running off together considering that I'm engaged, do you mind toning it down a bit?" or something to that extent.

Is there a polite way to enforce a boundary here without making our arts group meetings unbearably awkward? This guy may be one of those people who flirts with everyone harmlessly or an evil homewrecker wannabee - I have no idea, that's part of the problem.

I have a facebook friend who is a person I know from my city, but not well - I would call him an acquaintance. We met at a community arts group, and have interacted on facebook mostly having topic based discussions about topics we are mutually interested in - until now. Recently he has started commenting on my posts with humorous comments that have trended more and more towards innuendo and flirtation. He is a pretty witty person so these aren't really overt comments, more based around subtext, but I had a friend read them over and she confirmed that they are definitely flirty - stuff like joking about us running off together to start an orchid farm and stuff that would be funny if it was one of my female friends or some of my male friends who I have that type of relationship with, but he is more just some random dude. I am wondering what a polite way to say "hey buddy, I'm engaged, knock it off" is? He's been introduced to LordL, and I have mentioned him as my fiancée in conversation at least once and I'm listed as engaged on my profile, so he shouldn't be misunderstanding my relationship status for any reason. I don't want to make it awkward when we see each other at the arts group though. Another friend suggested saying "hey, your comment about the orchid farm was funny but my relatives might wonder why you're talking about us running off together considering that I'm engaged, do you mind toning it down a bit?" or something to that extent.

Is there a polite way to enforce a boundary here without making our arts group meetings unbearably awkward? This guy may be one of those people who flirts with everyone harmlessly or an evil homewrecker wannabee - I have no idea, that's part of the problem.

I like the bolded, in PM form, soon after he posts; you can get his "take" on it and if he decided to be a jerk, unfriend him. If he says "Sorry, I always flirt with people like this" you can tell him if you are comfortable with it and move on from there.

Logged

“A real desire to believe all the good you can of others and to make others as comfortable as you can will solve most of the problems.” CS Lewis

If you prefer a less direct approach, you could try joking back and reinforcing your status. So when he posts "Let's run away and start an orchid farm, cutie!" you go "Sounds great! I'm gonna bring LordL, but don't worry, he's sleeping in my room "

I've had some friends over the years who seemed pretty flirty, but that's just the way they are; it had nothing to do with me. If you read into things like that all the time, you'll be losing friends and creating awkwardness everywhere you go. If you don't care for a behavior, speak up about it, but unless it becomes more overt, don't make it about him having feelings for you. Chances are he doesn't have any. Make it about your discomfort with the behavior, not that you think he's hitting on you. I also like VorpalBunny's idea of bringing your fiance into the conversation

If you prefer a less direct approach, you could try joking back and reinforcing your status. So when he posts "Let's run away and start an orchid farm, cutie!" you go "Sounds great! I'm gonna bring LordL, but don't worry, he's sleeping in my room "

Good advice. I have this issue with several people on facebook, and this is the approach I take. I take the stance of "of course they are not seriously flirting with me, they are just flirting for fun" - even if I know the motive is otherwise. I find flirting back while making it clear I have no intention of doing anything beyond that, in plain view of my SO, diffuses the situation.

So he's been perfectly nice in person and likes to make clever remarks. I'd say odds are pretty good that he's not so much hitting on you as making smart jokes. If it bugs you, either joke back like VorpalBunny suggested or PM him saying that it makes you uncomfortable. But I wouldn't comment about him hitting on you since it sounds like a good bet that he's just being as you put it "witty."