I bring this book up for a couple of reasons when breaking down the women of Conference USA, the Division I-A Independents (all the honeys, who makin’ money, throw your hands up at me) and the Mid-American Conference.

1. There is no proof that a girl from a C-USA* or MAC school has ever read a book. (*Girls at Rice probably have read a lot of books.)
2. The girls described in the book may “attend” Southern Methodist University, but the book’s less-than-flattering description of coeds fits females at Miami (Ohio). Or the ones that count. You know, Size 2’s or less.

I don’t know if Kultgen’s second book is called “The Lie” or “the lie” because the book’s black-and-white cover chooses not to employ capital letters. Or any primary colors. One in every three girls at a MAC school can name at least two of the three primary colors. They do got that going for ‘em.

This is pertinent because I follow one rule. Always judge a book by its cover.

No lie.

On to the cover rankings.

Conference USA

C-USA in one sentence: Best non-BCS conference that’s way ahead of the Big East and on par with the ACC and Big 10.

SEC caliber: Central Florida
A top 15 program nationally, UCF ranks second only to Florida State in the Sunshine State. A slightly-less attractive version of Arizona State girls.

Still bangin’ (alphabetical order): Southern Mississippi, Southern Methodist University, Tulane
Words of wisdom from my buddy and world traveler Wyoming Guy: “Dude, girls at Southern Miss are like way too stupid to get into any other school … in like Mississippi (!!) … and they just want to party.”

Definitely doable: East Carolina, Houston, Memphis, UAB

Not awful, just not top-tier: Marshall, Rice, Texas-El Paso, Tulsa

Division I-A Independents

Division I-A Independents in one sentence: The default, the bad, the ugly.

I’m not going to be the first ever non-pinko to say anything disparaging about the students in Annapolis or West Point.

Western Kentucky takes “top” honors here by default. The Hilltoppers’ other non-service academy competition is Notre Dame (the ugly). The Blue and Gold truly are in a league of their own when it comes to women.

NBC would not pay $10 million to pay for the rights to these women. Or 10 hay pennies.

Mid-American Conference

The MAC in one sentence: Girls most likely to name a Facebook album after an Asher Roth lyric. “You can take Kapowski, I’m a take Lark on my go-kart.”

Football practice at Miami (O.).

The clear-cut winner: Miami (Ohio)
One negative. Far too many chunky or slightly overweight blonde chicks go to Miami (Ohio) and think they’ll magically become hot. Nope. Can’t throw on a red MIAMI T-shirt with a sweater wrapped around your shoulders and become a looker.

For years, Miami (Ohio) thrived as the sleeper school of the Midwest. The word’s out now. No longer a sleeper, the school has the best looking girls in the Midwest. And it’s not even close.

I hang out with a Miami (Ohio) graduate (male) who mostly wears a North Face jacket and sandals. At the same time. So yes. Road trip.

Take a drive to Oxford, Ohio. Tell the girls you play lacrosse and/or are in a fraternity at some small private school (preferably in or around Colorado) and you’re set. It works. Trust me on this one.

Get ‘em quick though. Miami (Ohio) girls believe their faces will burn off if they are unmarried at age 25.