What I don't understand is... when you owe a bookie a lot of money, and he, say, blows off one of your toes, you still owe him the money. Doesn't seem fair to me. Especially when he's gonna kill me in four days anyway.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Unnecessary Mock Draft I

After a long weekend of divisional playoffs, one might be focused on the happenings of NFL teams such as the Steelers, Broncos, Panthers, or Seahawks. These are the last teams standing after a long season of beating on each other. These are the fortunate teams who had the talent, character, coaching, and chemistry to make the NFL's verson of the Final Four. That's all well and good, but personally, I just can't stop wondering what will happen when the NFL's other teams face off at the NFL Draft (NYC, April 29-30). These are the teams who don't currently have head coaches, general managers, or quarterbacks. These are the teams that have so many problems that they are currently wondering whether or not Marcus Vick is the answer (freebie: he's not). So what do we do with these pathetic teams? We mock (draft) them unmercilessly. Here is my first unnecessary and under-achieving attempt at mocking these unfortunate teams.

1. Houston Texans - Reggie Bush (RB USC) – The most electrifying college player I have ever seen. This pick is a lock. The only other option for the Texans is trading down in the draft, perhaps with the Jets.

2. New Orleans Saints - Vince Young (QB, Texas) - Anyone who watched what Vince "I like 'em" Young did against Mgoblue.com in last year's Rose Bowl probably had a hunch about what was in store for USC this year. He delivered another absolutely legendary indivudual performance and his draft stock has risen accordingly. The Saints are desperate to establish a direction for their franchise and they will reach a bit for Vince here. I am not convinced he will be a great pro, but he will thankfully let the Big Easy forget that the Aaron Brooks Era ever existed.

3. Tennessee Titans - Matt Leinart (QB, USC) - Already a bona-fide celebrity, Leinart reunites with former coordinator Norm Chow and begins a stellar pro career. The change from LA to the Music City could result in a bit of culture shock, but McNair will teach him the ropes and Chow’s presence puts him in a great position to succeed.

4. New York Jets - D’Brickashaw Ferguson (OT, Virginia) - Best name and the first steal of the draft. No question that he would fit in with the J-E-T-S, Jets Jets Jets! If the Texans are at all tempted to trade the rights to Reggie Bush, they will target my man D’Brickashaw in an attempt to give David Carr enough time to find Andre “Ice Cold” Johnson down the field.

5. Green Bay Packers - A.J. Hawk (OLB, Ohio St.) - Finally some defense and Mr. Laura Quinn is far from being the next Andy Katzenmoyer in the pros. The man is an animal. The Packers have many, many needs so it is hard to predict which direction they will go here.

6. San Francisco 49ers* - Mario Williams (DE, NC St.) - Put up numbers (14.5 sacks) as big as his frame (6’7, 290). Let me be honest here: I have never seen this guy play.

7. Oakland Raiders* - DeMeco Ryans (OLB, Alabama) - Raiders need some passion and heart. They could also take a long look at QB Jay Cutler.

8. Buffalo Bills - Vernon Davis (TE, Maryland) – Davis is the perfect TE for the not-so-young Marv Levy to add to the young offensive core of J.P. Losman, Willis McGahee, and Lee Evans. Their offense was very limited in 2005 and Davis gives them a whole new dimension in the middle of the field.

9. Detroit Lions - Tamba Hali (DE, Penn St.) – Regardless of whether or not the Lions lose Kalimba Edwards to free agency, Hali makes a lot of sense for the Kitties, who have selected offense in the first round for 7 straight years. Cutler, OLB Chad Greenway and DBs Michael Huff and Jimmy Williams will also get consideration from Matt “Fire” Millen.

10. Arizona Cardinals - Michael Huff (DB, Texas) – Huff can play corner or safety and looked to be very athletic and smooth in the Rose Bowl. Cutler might intrigue Denny Green here too, as the eventual replacement to Kurt Warner.

*49ers and Raiders will flip a coin to determine which team will draft 6th and which will draft 7th. Should prove to be better entertainment than watching either Alex Smith or Kerry Collins.** Draft order yet to be determined by playoffs. Since the standings can not be completely projected, even halfway through the playoffs, the original standings are shown.

It is very fitting that "shithead baumbach" is on the front page of noobsports, drafted by the seahawks nonetheless. It doesn't take much to be considered a noob in my book, so obviously any Hope football player earns the title immediately.

A MLB from Hope in the first round, huh? I just can't remember ever hearing of a guy playing linebacker named "josh" either. Kinda brings forth images of your mullet girl below. The next article for you is to fill in the coach, not (Timmy Two Way Door) Couch. Maybe the saints should march their boob owner to salt lake...utah needs some of those beads hanging off their tabernacle to get their 3.2 beer up towards the molson brador range like michigan (state) men (7.8% by volume thank you very much, john molson...."an honest brew makes its own friends.") Ok, like your passion, just put more of the passion in the punch bowl, the girls on this site are Mac-listed!

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