Quotes: Puns, Part 2

(a form of word humor when people fiddle with words and laugh at the resultant loony tunes; considered by some to be the lowest form of humus, earthy wit, that we all dig and often respond to with groans and moans)

Quotations

What do you do if you see a spaceman? —Park your car in it, man.

A mushroom walked into a bar and announced: “The drinks are on me.”
The bartender asked, “Why are you buying everybody drinks?”
Because I’m a fungi,” it replied.

What’s white, light and sugary, and swings from trees?
A meringue-utan.

What happened to the survivors of a collision between a red ship and a blue ship?
They were marooned.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist’s Novocain during root canal work?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi.

What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.

A woman went into a bar with a newt perched on her shoulder. She ordered a drink for herself and one for the newt.
“What’s its name?” asked the bartender.
“Tiny,” replied the woman.
“Why Tiny?”
“Because he’s my newt.” [Get it? my newt = minute (very small)]

What is made of plastic and hangs around French cathedrals?
The lunchpack of Notre Dame.

What do you get if you buy crayons for your children?
A gift to make your kin scrawl.

What did the egg in the monastery say?
Ah, well, out of the frying pan and into the friar.

What does a Hindu?
Lays eggs.

What is a bigamist?
An Italian fog.

What did one eye say to the other eye?
Between you and me, there is something that smells.

What do you call a witch who verifies her incantations?
A spell checker.

What do you call Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye?
Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.