Friday, January 30, 2015

Note: This is a reprint of a story that ran on AlterNet and Salon. If you think you've spotted some recycled jokes, it is completely your imagination.

Here it is, the dawn of 2015, and men
still don't have a sex toy
that can equal the instant and fiery love between woman and vibrator.* And while Modern Woman enjoys the spot-on ministrations of a
battery-operated lover, poor hetero men are stuck humping away at a
motley array of women-like disembodied body parts.

But damned if enterprising toy makers
don't keep trying. Behold some of the iffier contenders of
women-like things to have sex with that aren't actually women.

1. Portable Vagina

Vagina in a Can offered squishy pink
vaginal plastic, conveniently portioned in a can, like so many
french-style green beans. But Canned V never quite caught on, despite
the product's post-apocalyptic advantages (“Nobody panic! I've
stocked the fallout shelter with plenty of Canned Vagina!”). There
is little documentation
on reasons for the product's downfall, but perhaps it was due to the
recycling quandary of which bin to place unwanted freshly-canned
splooge.

Quickies
to Go eliminated the can entirely, opting for an open-ended
vaginal tube-like apparatus. Quickies to Go are disposable, which is
not only pretty wasteful, but could conceivably lead to a spate of
broken-hearted vaginal tubes sobbing at the curb on garbage day after
being used, then rejected. (And later, a dystopian future featuring
our Wall-E-esque descendants building shelter from huge piles of
poorly-degrading discarded tubes.)

Quickie to Go also comes in “Mouth”
and “Ass” versions and, if you look the products up on Amazon,
Amazon will helpfully also recommend “Crisco All-Vegetable
Shortening Sticks, 2 pack.”

Among Beauty Hole Ass Vagina With Egg
Vibrating's many mysteries is the fact that there is only 1 of these
vaginal assy things available for sale. Why only 1? Seems like if you
were taking the time to get out the Beauty Hole Ass Vagina-Making
Machine, you may as pop out a full run of 50 or, hell, even 100.

3. Blow-Up Sex Dolls

Blow-up dolls are semi-inexpensive, but
there's a reason we haven't all run off to live with our inflatable
lovers/cheap lays and that reason is seams. “I was sore
after one session from the beach ball openings,” wrote one
presumably chafed reviewer of the $44.95 Sexy
Flight Attendant. “I had to struggle with it just to get it to
'submit.' I did not expect this from a plastic lover,” wrote
another reviewer of the $19.43 Wraparound
Lover, who thus entered the infinitesimally small demographic of
people who have been spurned by blow-up doll.

Note: The holes on blow-up sex toys are
sealed with pull tab-like strips of plastic "for hygienic and
safety reasons." (Warning: removed tabs may alert the blow-up
doll's watchful friends that you two did more than just "go get
coffee.)

If aroma is important to you, maybe
spring for the special
onahole cleaner first. As one reviewer noted of his well-satiated
onahole: it “starts smelling after repeated use.” (He also noted
that it was “tight to the point where letting go will just launch
it right off of you.” Which is kind of funny--except no one's gonna
be laughing when someone's stinky old flying onahole puts someone's
eye out.)5. Extreme
Onahole

Extremes Onaholes enhance man/machine
love with an alarming array of moving mechanical parts. The A10
Cyclone "has a series of brushes that rotate back and
forth over the item in question. Think of it as a shoe cleaner for
you weenus," wrote John Biggs in TechCrunch,
who called the Cyclone "overwhelming" and, less
importantly, called his cock a "weenus." The Cyclone sounds
pretty hardcore, like the male equivalent to the jackhammer intensity
of the Magic
Wand, so use caution putting anything in there, including one's
weenus.

The top-of-the-line VORZE
A10 Cyclone costs $566, has 8 “simultaneous stimulations,”
seven customizable speeds/vibrations and can be hooked up to your
computer to sync with video. For women worried about being replaced
by machine, this may be the toy to fear. No matter how
delightful in bed we all are (which is plenty delightful. Plenty, I
say!), none of us are sportin' a series of varying-speed rotating
stimulators between our legs. Which is probably for the best.

6.
Love Doll Brothels

Love doll brothels offer disease-
and sex trafficking-free sex, plus a complimentary fresh replacement
hole for every new man. (I say “man” because the chance for
eerily quiet companionship and non-responsive, one-sided cunnilingus
tends not to appeal to Sapphic lovers.) Love doll brothels challenge
the natural tendency to anthropomorphize. The dolls wait pleasantly
seated in the lobby even though, really, stacking them in a pile in
the corner would work just as well. And when that creepy dude comes
in, it's hard not to feel at least a little bad for the doll he
chooses. If you plan on going: According to this
video (NSFW), be alert to the alarming possibility of the doll's
head falling off mid-coitus.

7. Sexbots

Even though it's been predicted that we
will be having sex with—and loving—sexbots by 2050, the
technology is so not there yet. Check out these sexbot
demonstration videos featuring Susie Software and her
counterpart Harry Harddrive demonstrating their indeed-quite-robotic
thrusting techniques near a really unstylish blue Pennsylvania Dutch
love seat. Especially good is the one where Harry is flipped on his
side, yet continues his grim air-thrusting, like a sexed-up fish
washed ashore. Real Dolls
look a whole lot better but lack as much movement. And ordering them
requires a certain level of comfort with facing options like “elf
ears,” “extra faces” and “labia repair kit.”

Most dauntingly, sexbots are still
crazy expensive. Susie and Harry range from the just-lyin'-there
version at $6000 to the remote-controlled, touch-activated model for
$11,299, and a high-end Real Doll can
run $51,000. If those prices are too steep, both Harry and Susie
are available for rent, which, well, let's just end on that.

xoxox

jill

*Have actually changed my opinion on that one. See forthcoming story!

PS Dr. Andrea is IN and taking your questions on health, sexuality and other embarrassing issues. Send it your shameful concern to jillhamilton001@gmail.com. You can be completely anonymous (except for me, and I'm not gonna tell anyone about your weird growth.)

Monday, January 19, 2015

20s vs. 30s and The Agony of Being Too Fucking Old to Recall the Difference: The delightful citizens of the IBWMW Facebook page have been, like, total geniuses responding to my desperate-ish post the other day: Problem!! A magazine just offered me decent money for a funny list on the difference
between dating in your 20s and your 30s. Except I am 40 fricking 9 and
have NO IDEA. Anyone have any insights??? Heeeeeeeelp!!!!!!

Hmm, now looking at it in the clear light of day, that sounds completely desperate and, it was, but less so now because of all the insanely great answers I'm getting there and via email. My favorite thus far is this one from Suzanne:

Dating in your 20s - YES! I got my period! I'm not pregnant! Dating in your 30s - WILL I EVER BE WITH CHILD!?

If you have any ideas/insights, send them on in, or just go see what other people put. And just ignore my cousin Brenda's (cousin IN-LAW, actually) comment, "Suzanne, you practically wrote the article! Watch for credit." Brenda put a smiley emoji at the end, but I know when someone's ratting me out. Men: Need Your Thoughts on Sex Toys for Guys!

Panic x 2. I am also working on an article on sex toys for men and my editor wants to know:"Why are sex toys for women more advanced and more popular, when women
are supposed to be more ashamed of sex/masturbation? Why is it that
vibrators are basically mainstream, while male sex toys -- real dollz,
blow up sheep or whatever -- are supposed to be the purview of losers or a joke?"

Do any of you guys use sex toy (on yourself)--why or why not? Have any thoughts on them one way or the other? Need you, man.

IBWMW Financial Upturn? The Evidence:

--We have a Monthly Subscriber, like NPR!
IBWMW, also known as one of the least catchy acronyms around, has its first Patron. Yes, I know! A guy named Robert, who I've never previously heard from, somehow figured out how to make automatic monthly payments to the blog via the Paypal link at right and he's really doing it! This completely blows my mind and floats my boat--though not simultaneously because that sounds dangerous. Yay Robert!

--This month also brought in two donations (!) which is approximately two more than usual.

"I tried to donate from the FB page, and I got a different page, and no
place to donate. Nevertheless, I really like your blog, Jill (or
whatever your name really is)" wrote distrustful new reader Mark. Mark found a way to donate anyway through sheer force of determination and full-on manliness. And Mark, my name is actually Jill as listed. Jill Hamilton, in fact, because when I was considering whether I should link my real name to a fuck-filled blog for the rest of my life, I thought "Eh...why not?"

"If a
new reader's donation makes you so happy, we seasoned readers should do
our part too! Thanks for making me and BF LOL on a regular basis!" wrote Yinna, who makes it sound like donating is some sort of pitching in/good deed sort of thing, like picking up litter. Which, for the record, I am "for."

--I got a surprise check for $250 and my dog Daisy's vet bill the next day was only $249. Important Love Is... Update:

"I just realized I have a pending crisis on my hands. I may soon be
sleeping with a new man who is uncircumcised. It JUST NOW occurred to
me, I have never had sex with a man who wasn't circumcised and I no idea
how this might change things.
Is there anything specific I should do or shouldn't do? Is oral any
different? How do I put a condom on that? I can't believe after almost
30 years of sexual activity, I am up against something entirely novel. Help me!"

DA and the uncut dude are already talking about his dick, so they are getting close! Get that help in right away! (And maybe DA will explain to us how they arrived at the topic of his penis and the uncircumcisedness thereof.)

The Pee Mystery"I read this article and remembered your post. It is pee :(" writes Gentle Reader A. The post A refers to (which A actually located and linked to for me! Go A!) is How to Make a Woman Come, Even if You Are That Woman in which I somehow got on a female ejaculation tangent, as one does, writing "scientists still don't know what the fuck women are squirting when they
ejaculate (it's 'not pee,' which just leaves...every non-pee substance.)"

In
the study, they gathered (only) 7 chicks who squirted copious amounts
(like a cup's worth) when coming. Then commenced science-style sexytime
with ultrasounds, "provoked sexual arousal" and "squirting events."
Reads the article: "Urine sampled after squirting revealed that the bladder had been emptied again, revealing the origin of the squirted liquid." Voila!
What blows my mind about all this is not that we--yawn--still have only
rudimentary knowledge of female sexual response, but that scientists
apparently can't identify fucking pee?! (Which, in this case, may actually be fucking pee.) Wouldn't you think pee-identification would be, like, high school chemistry set-level science?

Anyway, further investigation in Female Ejaculate Comes in Two Forms, Scientists Find revealed more insights:
--It took the women 25 to 60 minutes
to get close to an orgasm via self-stimulation or masturbation with a
partner. Since I don't think the women were trying to have some sort of
savored, extended Tantric love thing, I conclude from this that
"provoked sexual arousal" is about as arousing as it sounds. So yes, a
hour spent dutifully trying to come while antsy researchers
did...whatever it is you do when you really really want a woman to come,
but don't want to make it obvious that you're just waiting for her to
get it over with. I imagine some of you might be familiar with the
experience.
--A cup really is a fuck of lot of liquid so
maybe some of these more effusive women are peeing, while others are
emitting (maybe not the right word, sounds like a ray gun something)
what some researches consider "true" female ejaculation, a milky white
liquid with some similarities to male ejaculate. Or...maybe it's just
milk or Elmer's glue or the white stuff inside Cadbury Creme Eggs. Who
knows, really? Clearly not scientists.
--In other words,
"scientists still don't know what the fuck women are squirting when they
ejaculate." I will, however, expand the possibilities from all "non-pee
substances" to "could be anything."

"Cascading Wizard Sleeve" Leah's subject line for How Will You Keep Your Vagina Young in 2015?,
a Jezebel article mocking a wretched Shape article trying to make you
feel bad about a perfectly enjoyable body part. Go read it at once.
Including the comments.

Sorry to the writers I didn't get to today (esp. Christina G., Matthew, and Gail).

About Me

I write In Bed With Married Women, a blog about sex in all its boring, strange, funny, smokin' hot glory. My work has also appeared in Salon, AlterNet, Cosmopolitan, Rolling Stone, Entertainment Weekly, Jezebel, Mad, Games and the Los Angeles Times. I look grumpy in all pictures whether grumpy or just kinda neutral.