Tuesday, July 7, 2015

I came across a chapter the book The Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting
by Dr. Laurence Steinberg, called Help
Foster Your Child’s Independence. It immediately caught my eye because I
feel like growing up my father did just this, helped me to become an
independent thinker and woman. He points out many ways we can help our children
become independent adults but I will share what I have found to be the most
significant. As parents we can all agree that when we send our children into
the real world we will want them to be able to stand up for themselves, on
their own two feet, and make good choices.

Fathers
helping their children become independent people:

The
first suggestion Steinberg gives to parents, but specifically to dads is to
pick your battles. We all want our children to make good choices when we are
not around. Before a child can learn to do that, we must give them the tools to
do so. We need to give them the confidence that they can make choices on their
own while in the home. When we become parents we need to be okay with the
choices they choose that don’t have a lasting impact. An example would be which
movie to watch with his friends (within reason) or to leave the house in an
uncoordinated outfit, even wearing his hair longer than you would like. Things
like these will give our children the sense that they can make choices for
themselves. Hopefully by gaining this confidence they will be able to make the
right choice when it really matters. This is why we need to pick our battles
and not fight or argue with every detail that they decide for themselves.
Children gain a significant amount of their sense of independence from their
fathers so it’s important that dad’s don’t get on his children’s case about the
trivial things.

Another
reason why fathers are so important in children’s lives is because they can
help analytically think through a decision. Men, typically speaking, are
analytical thinkers and can help children see things through a less emotional
point of view. Although it is important that father’s don’t make all decisions
for his children, he can certainly help guide into a direction that is most
beneficial. An example of this would be helping his son or daughter decide
where to take a summer job, or where to apply to college. Yes, the decision is
ultimately up to the child, but a father can be persuasive and helpful.
Weighing out pros and cons, opportunity costs and providing a realistic sense
of reality. Consequences and what life will look like after decisions are made.

Steinberg
hones in on the importance of ones emotional development as a child through his
or her dad. It is important that our children truly understand that we are
there for them emotionally. This comes more naturally for mothers because
again, typically speaking, mothers are more nurturing and emotional. It is
important that daughters develop a sense of security that only a father can
provide through emotional security. The first relationship a girl ever has with
a man is with her father; this is where she will learn all the different temperaments
of a man. This is why it is it crucial for a father to be aware of his
daughters’ needs and emotions. Being able to get on her level, talk and relate
will set up a young girl for success when she is ready for various
relationships with men. It is equally as important for a father to teach his
son that men have emotions too, that as a man they are allowed to talk about
how they feel without degradation.

“Parents
are often unnecessarily directive when it comes to their children’s eating
habits, play preferences, friendships, and free time (Steinberg 119). The
author here is saying that we cannot micromanage our children. What difference
does it make if he eats his carrots before his chicken, or her and her friends
don’t follow all the rules to a game, or plays with the weird kid at school?
This goes back to choices; we must allow our children to make their own
decisions when they are relatively meaningless. Steinberg points out that this
is not only for the child sake but for the parents’ as well. Everyday tasks and
even recreation would become significantly less enjoyable if we were always
jumping down our children’s throats. He explains a rule of thumb, are you correcting
your child for your sake or the child’s? If we seriously consider this request
it would put an end to micromanaging, allowing children to explore their own
creativity more thoroughly.

The
last but certainly not the least important thing Steinberg suggests is to not
constantly tell your children “no”, for no good reason of course. He has a
checklist to consider when children ask permission on doing something. 1. Is
what my child wants to do dangerous? 2. Is what my child wants to do unhealthy?
3. Is what my child wants to do illegal or immoral? 4. Is what my child wants
to do likely to lead to trouble? And 5. If something goes wrong, are
irreparable or difficult to undo? If the answer to all these questions are no,
then he challenges us to say yes. We shouldn’t limit our children’s experiences
for no reason. It’s important that fathers allow their children to get out
there and face challenges, altercations and controversy. It may be in a
father’s instinct to protect his children from the world but without a wide
range of experiences and getting acquainted with combat they will never learn
to stick up for themselves, be who they are and voice their opinions.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

In my marriage class we are talking about the importance of non verbal communication in relationships. There can be many miscommunications due to the interpretations of cues that are not portrayed correctly. A few examples are tone of voice, sarcasm, body language and facial expressions. These things are sometimes are hard to control when emotions are running high. This is what makes getting to know someone else's family difficult. You're trying to decode all the underlying social cues and what is deemed acceptable in conversation. With how our generation is progressing technologically we communicate more often in non face to face ways. The biggest was is through texting and over social media. There is now an entire texting etiquette. With emoticons trying to mimic interpersonal relationships.

Thursday, June 11, 2015

With the widespread use of technology our modern world has become desensitized and normalized to different types of infidelity. There is no longer just a physical or sexual affair. There are multiple ways to be unfaithful in a relationship and marriage. Fantasy is the one I want to focus on today. The idea of fantasy infidelity can be extremely damaging. There is a significant double standard in the idea of fantasy. It is socially acceptable for woman to obsess over fictional characters such as twilight and Christian Gray of 50 Shades of Grey. Women spend time reading, talking and thinking about these men without second thought. When women get together it is perfectly okay to watch chick flicks and get all riled up when Channing Tatum or Ryan Gosling takes his shirt off.

If we as women were to walk into a room full of our brothers, fathers and uncles watching and having similar conversations about women, we would be appalled. But more importantly, hurt. We need to recognize these behaviors in ourselves. Our mental fantasies can withdraw us from our husbands and marriage by being preoccupied with men that our husbands can never compare to.

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

This week in class we've been talking about sexual health and nature, as well as the differences between men and women. We as young adults need to be educated on topics such as these to be able to be realistic as we prepare for marriage. Expectations need to be realistic about sex and intimacy within the boundaries in marriage.
The key to understanding your partner and being able to be sexually compatible is first and foremost, communication. We as Latter Day Saints don't engage in sexual activity until after we're married, so how do we know if we will have a sexually satisfying marriage? I think it's important to understand that a married couple has the rest of their lives to figure it out. Sure it will take effort, a few awkward conversations and maybe even tears. However if we preserve our bodies until after marriage it is then we are able to fully explore and understand our partners.

We've been talking a lot about dating this week and how relationships begin. The first factor we all jump to is physical attraction, and yes this is extremely important and more often than not the initial reason two people begin a relationship. But we must not overlook propinquity. Having access to the person you are interested in is a key component in getting to know someone. There is only so far an online relationship can and will go. You must spend time with this person. Other than just this, if you are in close proximity as someone you are more likely to have similarities. For example if you meet at a country dance club, odds are you both like country music. Or if you meet at a ski resort, or at a cooking class, we have common ground.
People say that times have changed and that one in five relationships today begin online and that this is a great way to begin a romantic relationship. I would have to disagree. There is a book called "How to avoid falling in love with a Jerk" by Van Epp. He says that Time is one of the three components that are crucial to getting to know someone. You have to spend adequate time together. He explains that three months is the minimum to get to know important things about one other. The other is Togetherness. That you need a wide range of activities to be able to see your partner in a number of circumstances and how they conduct themselves.

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

We've been talking a lot about dating this week and how relationships begin. The first factor we all jump to is physical attraction, and yes this is extremely important and more often than not the initial reason two people begin a relationship. But we must not overlook propinquity. Having access to the person you are interested in is a key component in getting to know someone. There is only so far an online relationship can and will go. You must spend time with this person. Other than just this, if you are in close proximity as someone you are more likely to have similarities. For example if you meet at a country dance club, odds are you both like country music. Or if you meet at a ski resort, or at a cooking class, we have common ground.
People say that times have changed and that one in five relationships today begin online and that this is a great way to begin a romantic relationship. I would have to disagree. There is a book called "How to avoid falling in love with a Jerk" by Van Epp. He says that Time is one of the three components that are crucial to getting to know someone. You have to spend adequate time together. He explains that three months is the minimum to get to know important things about one other. The other is Togetherness. That you need a wide range of activities to be able to see your partner in a number of circumstances and how they conduct themselves. The third is Talk. Both your partner and yourself must be willing to indulge in the same amount of information at the same rate. One partner that remains closed up while the other offers personal information it can cause an imbalance and leave the relationship feeling one sided.

Thursday, May 14, 2015

This week in class we have been talking about culture, values and judgement. It is important that we not pass judgement on other cultures. Without being in their shoes we have a hard time truly knowing what it would be like having to make the decisions they have to make.
A great example I can think of is female circumcision practiced in many parts of the world, but specifically in West Africa. Women in Africa are circumcised by their mothers, older sisters and grandmothers usually around the age of 12 or shortly before puberty and the menstrual cycle begin. Most of their genitalia is cut off and their vaginas sown up. This is to ensure virginity until marriage. Although I do not agree with female circumcision, and taking all sexual pleasure out of a woman's life, who am I, or who are we to say they need to stop this practice?
What if you were a mother of a young girl in Africa? Would you circumcise her? It is all too easy for us Westerners to quickly say no. But what if it meant your daughter would never be married if she wasn't? In most cultures in West Africa if a woman reaches marriage age and has not been circumcised they are viewed as dirty, unclean, a sexually deviant woman, but more hurtful, unmarriageable. If you knew you would never be able to marry off your daughter you may think twice about the traditions that are expected. A woman might even be upset with their mother for not making it a priority to follow the culture of the land.
This may be an extreme example but all I'm provoking is we not be so quick to judge when we hear about other countries, or even our own, that value different things from our own views.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

It isn't hard to argue that family is important. Most people grow up wanting kids, a spouse and the white picket fence. But what happens when behind those large red painted door, life isn't what it may seem. Well truth is, no one has a perfect family. The kids don't always go to bed on time and sometimes the in-laws have to move in. It isn't the problems, but rather how you handle them is what keeps families in tact.

Every member of the family plays a significant role. The more aware you are of all the roles we play in the family the better we can work around each other. When one family member isn't functioning properly it can throw off then entire family system. Like a car part in the engine, or a puzzle piece. To make sure your part is well greased and in well functioning order.

One way we can do this is through feedback. Positive feedback is intended to create more of a behavior. We can get this feedback through our family members. When someone validates your feelings you are more inclined to repeat your actions or comments. Between young adult children and parents this can be a useful tool in letting others know what is welcomed or enjoyed.

We need to pay closer attention to the impact we each have on the ever moving and changing family system. Together as a family we need to work with one another to make sure each of us is being the best self we are able to. If there are things to correct, like there most often are. We need to make things right. If this is through therapy or just breaking bad habits. Boundaries sometimes need to be set between parents and children. A family as a unit takes work but can become stronger.

Thursday, April 30, 2015

This week in class we have been talking a lot about patterns in world population. Many people believe that the worlds' resources are rapidly decreasing and that they are almost completely out. There is no evidence to support this. In the 1970's there were only 3 billion people on earth and now there is over 7. There was a widespread belief that people would start starving to death if there wasn't population control.

It all started with the baby bomb post World War II. Over 77 million babies were born in the United States shortly after men came home from the war. The largest increase in births the nation had ever seen. This partly had to do with the current economy years prior. Not only was the nation going through and recovering from a depression, but then we entered into the war and most of the men left the country. So naturally when they all returned and the economy was better, families formed and babies were born. After this baby boom, a lot of buzz was created about the myth of "overpopulation".

Just to give a real world example, you could give every person in the entire world an acre of land, and every last one of them would fit inside the state of Texas alone. Majority of the world is completely empty and undeveloped. This doesn't sound like overpopulation at all, does it? Many people are under the impression that they must have small families in order to support them. This is detrimental to the worlds population. There are simply not enough children being born in todays society all over the world. The problem this creates is there is an excess of elderly people needing financial support from the youth of the world. Social security is running out and this presents a major economic problem for all future generations.

Life expectancy in this world has also dramatically increased. It has been said that "it's not that people started matting like rabbits, but we stopped dropping like flies". This gives an explanation of why there are more people on this earth than we have seen before yet there is no balance or consistency.

Having five children has been compared to robbing a bank. Ethically wrong. That it is using up resources that could be used for another family by having more than one. That having multiple children is selfish. This is obscured. We know that the purpose of this life is to create families have those connections with people. I present you this. If we have parents only having one child, in four short generations these people would find themselves related to no one. No aunts and uncles, which means no cousins, and no brothers and sisters. Never having nieces and nephews. Once their parents die, they would literally have no family. How tragic would that be if we had people walking this earth without a support group. With no one to gather with on holidays and look after. No fun family vacations with all your cousins, or family reunions in Utah every summer with your crazy great aunts.

We need to educate people in the importance of repopulating the earth not only from an economic and survival point of view but more importantly from a point of view of family. Families are our Heavenly Father's greatest masterpiece and we owe it to him to bring his children onto this earth. We have been commanded to and agreed to do so long before we gained temporal bodies.