Wednesday, September 29, 2010

I got my first speeding ticket last month. First. Ever. I've never even been pulled over before. It's really demoralizing and I've been in a pissy mood for a long time because of it.

I was coming back from Astoria where I had been volunteering for the Hood to Coast relay race. My time slot was 1:15am-5:45am. It was awful. Especially because I drove up there with another volunteer who I had never met and will not be disappointed if I never see her again. My original plan was to sleep in my car immediately following the volunteering but volunteer buddy insisted we drive back because she had to do kid stuff. But not before running 20 miles which she kept talking about doing. So, way too sleep deprived for my own good, I drove home. She however slept just fine in the passenger seat. Fast forward through two very long, silent hours, I drop her off in Beaverton. Fast forward again through me inadvertently missing my freeway exit back to Portland, driving on a road I've never been on before, it's 8:30am and I'm eastbound driving directly into the sun, I can't see anything, it's like I'm driving straight into God's arms, and suddenly paparazzi lights are all around me and I realize I've just driven by a speeding van. It was a fucking mess of a morning. I should probably just be thankful I didn't fall asleep at the wheel and die all together but I'm not.

I have a letter all written up contesting the fine and it sounds really good but I think I'm going to man up, pay the fine and do driving school.

So suck it Beaverton. After all I've given you, this is how you return the favor.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

This one goes out to a coworker of mine. Everything it does makes me hate. The way it talks on the phone, the way it talks in general, the way it smells, drinks coffee, burps, eats. OH the eating habit. Every day with the nuts. A handful hastily thrown into a wide open mouth. It's the real reason I can't hear anymore. Because without my headphones drowning out the sound, I would go bitch-crazy and beat him to death with his bag of nuts. This is for you, squirrel boy.

Five years ago blogs were cool. Remember Homestarrunner and weff riddles? MMM, those were so good. Blogs were fresh, new, exciting. Not over saturated like they are today. I started this blog a few years ago as a way for my newly acquired dog to communicate his thoughts to the world but we've since become the two most unmotivated, lazy human beings in the house if not, at least on our street corner. Unfortunately, I've completely given up on Ozzy. As for me, well, there's still hope.