Category: Technology

The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

(I work at a battery store, and one of the most popular items we have are reconditioned car batteries. I’m gladly closing up the store. I have my arm in a sling since I had dislocated my shoulder a few days before. Some customers roll up:)

Customer: “We want a reconditioned battery.”

(By the boss’s instruction, I was to keep the shop open and take care of customers when they came in. So, I get them rung up.)

Customer: “And we want you to install it.”

(This is a problem, because it is a Dodge Stratus, which means you have to take the wheel off the car to get to the battery.)

Me: “Okay, but the surcharge will be [total].”

Customer: “What! That is ridiculous. I won’t pay that much!”

Me: “Then I can’t do it.”

Customer: “Fine! But hurry up!”

Me: “It will take a little longer because my arm is in a sling.”

(After more arguing, I finally got started installing the battery. They all walked down the street to a convenience store. An hour and a half after closing, I got the job done, while they stood there and complained that I had taken so long.)

(I work for a large, nationwide cellphone retailer in their customer service call center. I’m trying to assist a customer with troubleshooting her smartphone which is doing a number of odd things.)

Customer: “The screen freezes, applications crash, it’s going slow, and calls drop. Once the screen goes into sleep mode on a call I can’t get it to come back up, but then I can’t get it to automatically go into sleep mode otherwise. Someone else has to hang up otherwise the phone will just keep going on the call. On top of all that, the camera. OH, THE CAMERA! It will randomly take pictures! I don’t even have to have the camera up! The flash will go off and a picture appears on the screen!”

Me: “Wow… sounds like you need a priest, not a technician.”

Customer:*without skipping a beat* “THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS THEE! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS THEE! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS THEE!”

(I work for a security company that installs alarms into residences. I have received an alarm indicating the customer’s alarm system has a low battery so I’m calling to notify them.)

Me: “This is your alarm company calling. May I speak to Mr. [Name]?”

Customer: “What the h*** do you want?”

Me: “Your alarm system sent us a low battery signal.”

Customer: “Low battery? What the h*** does that even mean? Is someone trying to break in?”

Me: “No, sir. It means the backup battery is low and needs to be changed.”

Customer: “The alarm system is plugged in; there is no battery. Send the police. I think someone is tampering with the system.”

Me: “I’d be happy to do that for you but—”

Customer: “JUST SENT THE D*** COPS!”

Me: “Okay, sir. Will do.”

(I explained the situation to the police department, and they weren’t too happy about having to respond to a low battery signal. They intended to make sure the customer learned the difference between an emergency signal and a low battery!)