Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Jersey Shore Recap

And when I say "I love you", I really mean "I still hate you": I totally believe you are friends Sammie and JWoww

Apparently we didn't learn our lesson: You forgot the protein shake again Sam?!?!?

Nothing like smooshing to the romantic sounds of your roommate puking: Ronnie got a little drunk at Karma, and most likely killed the Situations chances of getting laid (the first time in a long time that someone else killed his game)

Last night my dog tried to sleep in my laundry basket...: Speaking of something equally stupid, Snooki passed out on the floor in the dog pen. No one noticed until the next day...

Rectum? I nearly killed 'em (inset canned laughter): Ronnie wakes up pooping blood
I think I'd want a second opinion: After a thorough anal exam, the doctor tells Ronnie his bleeding was caused by drinking too much. As I mentioned last week, I'm no doctor, but those two things seem unrelated. Isn't that like blaming World War II on the invention of the slurpee?

Drinking 101: You know the bottle goes in your mouth, right Ron?

What Mexican medical school did you get your degree from doctor?: We've seen the people who hang out on the Jersey Shore. Would you really trust one of them to be your doctor?

I don't want to point any fingers (pun absolutely intended): Shouldn't we look in Deena's direction about Ronnie's backdoor issues? We know she has a fetish for that spot...

Time for SAT math: Deena threatened to "tear Dean a new asshole". Fake Ronnie looks like real Ronnie. Just saying...

Medical Mystery: So far we've had pink eye and a rectal issue, but no STD?

I think you're looking for Teen Mom 2: Hey Dora the Explorer, you're advertising on the wrong show. This is the one where people smoosh but don't have the kids

Yo guys, I totally was on TV, it was awesome!: Uh, yeah Jeff we saw you there. But you had to have sex with Snooki in order to be on the show. Getting across the bridge by banging the troll that lives under it isn't much of an accomplishment...

Yeah, but it's not like I was into her or anything. I just wanted to be on TV: Um, you hung out with her the whole next day and told her some really personal things like how you were once engaged. It's not surprising that she ended it right there, but we figured it was because you are a douche. Not because she thought you lied to her and were all into a relationship and kids.

Look guys, it was the only way I could check out the house and be on the show: So um, why did you call her later that night to apologize? And why did you call back after she told you to fuck yourself? And why did you call back again after Pauly D made you look like a dumbass. Face it Jeff, you like Snooki. Douche.

Dude, even God himself tried to intervene: She had her period, and you still tried to sleep with her!

"I'm not handing out Candy for free. You need a golden ticket to get into these drawers": Uh. Huh. Let's just call Dario Charlie Bucket then Deena.

Sometimes there is such a thing as bad publicity: Really Danielle? They literally spell out "the stalker" under your name. Please take a hint (actually, please don't take a hint. I'm secretly hoping you show up in Italy for the next season)

Danielle, you tried your best and failed miserably. The lesson is never try: Because sitting there for an hour as Vinny and Pauly D make fun of you can't be considered a "success" on your end.

A personal plea: Can we stop using Vinny and Pauly D as comic relief? What kind of bird delivers the baby? What did Jack climb up? Classic comedy! Hey MTV, less Ronnie and Sam, more MVP sans P.

Can you guys just make a decision, I'm starting to run out of jokes: Ronnie and Sam may actually have broken up. I seriously don't care.
Ronnie, you're starting to sound like your ass doctor: You didn't carry Sam through Miami, you caused that clusterfuck. You're seriously like the hemorrhoids ravaging your body. If only a cream could make you go away...