MU Greek GPA’s Plummet Due to Adderall Shortage

Three things and three things alone dictate the survival of the residents in greek town; sex, adderall and beer.

With finals threatening to surface in a month, frequent trips to gas stations all around Columbia have become a must in order to stock up on Natural Light. Wall’s of shame have transformed into Excel spreadsheets, complete with scheduled hook-ups on or before finals week. However, since the beginning of the semester, adderall has been hard to come by. Greek GPA’s, as well as their day-to-day lives have suffered greatly since the drought.

“My room is a sty, it took me an entire week to beat Battlefield 3, I haven’t even started on Modern Warfare 3, and my trips to the [weight] room have decreased exponentially. I’ve been buying off this non-Greek for a month, and he’s even having a hard time keeping me stocked up. My life is a fucking mess bro!” sophomore Tad Dudeson said.

While distributing adderall isn’t as serious of an offense as alcohol or marijuana possession, it’s tough to say whether or not the shortage is caused by fear of police crackdowns. Some conspiracy theorists suggest the pills were actually sold by undercover university officials, in an attempt to raise the overall GPA of the university, thus making Mizzou more attractive to potential conference realignment scenarios.

“Thank God for weed, man. Like, the man’s been feeding us these pills under the table for years now. Sure I don’t get anything done anymore and I have a hard time staying with one train of thought. Choo choo man, choo choo. Ya know what I mean? It’s like the sandwich was talking to me, man. Freaky stuff.” sophomore stoner Ty Dye said.

Some have had better luck obtaining the medicine, which is usually prescribed for those diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder, or A.D.D.

“I used to date this non-Greek in high school. He was giving me pills for a few weeks. The break up was, like, super-awk. He’s still not over himself, so I’ve had to call my daddy. He still has the number of this hobo that he bought off of when he was at school. Sure he’s a smelly guy, but I’ve only had to show him my boobs once. He’s my main contact now.” junior Brittany S. Tripper said.

As the end of the semester approaches, all signs lead to a continued decrease in pill sales across campus. For now, GDI’s and Greek students alike will have to rely solely on caffeine and non-inebriated brain power to survive the upcoming exams.

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