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The Baddest Bitch in Queens

Sometimes I write a blog post about someone who has touched my life in a meaningful way. I often refer to these people as heroes of mediocrity. But, there’s nothing mediocre about this bitch. In fact, there’s nothing mediocre about any of them. They’re my heroes of mediocrity because they live normal lives in extraordinary ways. One such gem is a good buddy of mine—a true friend and amazing person who has been here for me for more than a decade. Jess Mother-Fucking Coppinger.

L.L.J.C. (Ladies Love Jess Coppinger)

I believe the expletive in the middle of her name is necessary to emphasize her distinct level of awesomeness. She has real super powers; she can make you laugh until Jameson comes out of your nose. She can lift your spirits when shit gets real. If there were a lesbian mafia, Jess would be the godfather.

Jess was born and raised in Queens, New York. A New Yorker through and through, she has serious swag and a fancy accent. You can hear her lesbian keys jingling from a mile away, and her notorious pony tail is always perfectly intact. She knows what it means to keep her kicks clean, and she knows what it means to love me. She is invested. In fact, she once hit a guy over the head with a beer bottle for talking smack about my brother. I love her more than most people in my life…not just because she is literally amazing, but because she is good, and kind, and loyal. She can also play the fuck out of the guitar…. like master status. Everywhere we go, people love jess Coppinger. She once gave my mother a shirt that says, “Rock out with your cock out”, and she wore it. She wields a smart phone better than anyone I know, and I’m pretty sure she was watching the Walking Dead at my wedding.

No Caption Necessary, Seriously…

Jess, you really are the best. The shit that comes out of your mouth is genius–you witty little bitty. I would move heaven and earth for you, and I know you would do the same for me, because you already have. Many times. So, this is a real homage to one of my best friends and family member…to a woman who I would give an arm for…or maybe a thumb. Yea, let’s just stick with a thumb.

This Shit is Fixing to Get Good…

Jess keeps a running list of all the funny things her friends say to her. I’ve been part of that list for years. I asked her to compile some of her favorites so I could share them with you. Please keep in mind, I have been to rehab. So, I can’t be held accountable for everything that has ever come out of my mouth over the past 13 years:

“I didn’t realize I wanted to mop until I was naked” (Jess has had to withstand more nudity from me than any one person should have to endure.)

“If being a slut makes you awesome, then I am Ashton Kutcher.” (He is pretty awesome.)

“But Bruno hasn’t finished his mashed potatoes yet.” (I didn’t have an imaginary friend until I was an adult.)

“I just basically flagged you wonderfuck.” (The chick wasn’t getting the memo.)

Me: “Dude, I think I want a breast reduction one day.” Jess: “Don’t get rid of your breasts; they’re part of your outfit.” (Touché homey, touché.)

“You will have your revenge on the Conneticunts.” (We still haven’t gotten our revenge, but it’s coming.)

I understand that many of these are better in context, so I tried to give you some. Something about Jess brings out the happy in me. Something about her also brings out the wild in me. But, lord knows that isn’t hard to do. Last week she basically told me that to love me is to know that I need love and affection like most people need liquor and Ativan. Today I told her I would cut a bitch if anyone tried to steal her away from me. But, then I realized how crazy that shit sounded, so I followed it up with “just teasing”. To which she replied, “No you’re not. You’re fucking territorial.” And, I guess I am sometimes. I am territorial over my heroes of mediocrity. Because they’re mine. And Jess, like it or not boo…you are mine. Just kidding. Not really. I am a Leo, so blame the stars. Or blame my parent’s terrible timing. Whichever you prefer. But don’t ever blame me. And, she didn’t. She never really does.

“Dude don’t make me laugh with Jameson in my mouth…no seriously”

What’s amazing about Jess, in all honesty, is the great love she has for life. She would do anything to help someone in need—whether she knows them or not. She has her quirks—she hates being in a car; she won’t even consider leaving New York; she gets a lot of love from the ladies but plays it smoother than Kenny G on loop at a Chinese antique market; and she has the best laugh on this side of the continent. There’s nothing better than a kick-ass friend. And, if being a kick-ass friend makes you awesome, YOU—Jess Coppinger—truly are Ashton-fucking-Kutcher (insert expletive as required).

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