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3D printer, deadly killer?

In the print edition this article has been condensed into a Public Service Announcement format, however, the full version can be seen online:

Followed by some boring conversation about the poor ventilation in the computer lab, meaning no 3D printer until further notice, the IT guys lugged it up there and shoved it in the worst ventilated section of the room. Scientific reports from freshman Biology began pouring out of every printer in the school: we’re ALL dying. Right now. As the 3D printer began printing out some awful robot, sophomore Devon Mann began chants of “welcome to hell”. Reporters intercepted Mann in the hallway, grabbing her roughly by the shoulders and shoving her in a spacious closet.

“Uh, what? I didn’t know we had reporters? Who are you? I have AP World. Oh my god. Get you hands off me. I’m a lawyer, basically. I won first place at a debate tournament,” stated Mann on the topic of the 3D printer. “By the way, the welcome to hell thing was a joke, or whatever.”

It’s apparent that the 3D printer is ruining lives—worse than anticipated. Thanks to Mann, we have clear information on the situation; demonstrating the clear horror the printer is spreading. Upon interviewing the Computer Applications class, who regularly works around the printer, we gained information on the general opinions of the public. “Uh, no negative effects here,” offered some kid. “I don’t really even notice it,” stated another. Wow. We simply can’t believe this. It’s honestly stunning. Please throw out your personal printer immediately.