Large Hadron Collider discovers 'Son of God' particle

Now operating at huge energies more powerful than you can possibly imagine the Large Hadron collider has made its first major discovery. 'It's not quite the God particle we've been looking for, 'said Professor Mann, head of the Atlas Project at CERN, 'it's slightly less omnipresent than that and really quite localised. But very persuasive nonetheless and we're all very excited. Between you and me, we all think it's a bloody miracle!'

The particle arose from a collision between a J and an M particle in a way which no-one thought possible and gave rise to a cluster of attendant Baas, Anti-Baas and several Moo-ons. Interestingly it also sucked in three K particles from a long way away although these didn't demonstrate the expected super-symmetry as they appear to only have come from the East.

The particle lasted for a fraction of a second but in that time it was seen, among other things, to dissipate energy in the form of 5 small particles and two larger ones which then spread themselves out in around 5000 fragments. It also persuaded scientists to put down their water and have a glass of wine instead.

However, some Italian scientists at the LHC have expressed concern that they don't know quite what the Son of God particle is capable of in the wider universe and have killed the experiment off before it causes any damage. But the professor brushed the concerns aside and was adamant that it would be resurrected by Sunday.

'Make no mistake there'll be lots and lots written about this by people who don't really understand it but who simply want to believe and that will become the standard textbook for how we conduct these experiments in the future - we hope it will lead to full understanding, harmony and peace among all men with sandals, scratchy beards, tank-tops, chalk and a blackboard.' added Professor Mann.

But early interpretation of the results suggests that this may be a one-off and that the particle will change form rapidly now that it's been spotted. 'We're worried it may just float away on the ether and never be seen again,' said the Professor, 'We just hope it'll come back again, one day, for our sins.'

Excitement at the news was heightened when it was revealed that, on the same day, a low-grade mechanical technician in the CERN canteen had opened up a marmite sandwich and discovered a pretty convincing image of Professor Peter Higgs.