Inflatable woman claims ‘I romped with Chelsea players’

In a statement released by her PR agent Max Clifford, an inflatable woman called Suzie (not her real name) claims to have ‘romped’ with the entire Chelsea squad. Suzie, also known as Bendy Wendy, was introduced by manager Carlo Ancelotti to assist in warm-down sessions after big games in an attempt to distract players from becoming involved in inappropriate Saturday night distractions.

At first the experiment appeared to be a resounding success, with Suzie being passed around the starting eleven (and up to three substitutes) in slick movements which would have delighted even the most demanding TV soccer pundit. However, after a few weeks cracks started to appear in team morale as players squabbled over possession.

A few snippets have already emerged prior to the book and serialised extracts, with club captain John Terry again at the centre of the action. Asked about reports that he had triggered the jealousy of his team-mates by claiming droit de seigneur or ius primae noctis, Terry said ‘Nah, I’m not into any of that kinky stuff. All I said was “After me, lads”.’

Events have now left the club in disarray. Ancelotti is unsure whether to sideline Suzie or order 30 more dolls. Supporters say the story has been blown out of all proportion. Suzie herself is reported to be feeling deflated.