My Son, the Procrastinator

Finding that delicate balance between love and discipline.

Our 11-year-old son has a wonderful personality and is very sensitive. However, we have a difficult time with nighttime and morning routines with him. He goes to sleep very late and naturally has a hard time getting up on time. I have repeatedly attempted to make charts, incentive plans, include him in brainstorming sessions on how we can implement a more effective routine. But now as he gets older, I am becoming increasingly frustrated with his behavior, to no avail. I am becoming that mother who raises her voice and gets shrill in order to see progress. This has become such an ingrained routine with him, that I fear we will have little chance at success.

My husband, who I turn to when I need help, does get involved, but also ends up being heavy handed and impatient with him. Our son seems to dawdle a lot and procrastinate. I feel that he is doing this to get negative attention. I must also tell you that this is a child who receives plenty of daily positive attention as he is a very beloved boy and is kindhearted, giving and very talented. Yet, I am really worried about how this is affecting our relationship with him since this is a daily occurrence. As he grows older, I also worry that his lack of zeal will become an awful habit, God forbid.

Any advice, suggestions, tips, or personal behavior modifications that I can implement would be greatly appreciated!

Sincerely,

KF

My dear reader,

For whatever comfort it provides, your situation is ubiquitous, causing many frustrated parents similar feelings of distress and helplessness. Arguably, even as these dilemmas appear to be similar, every youngster is different, and parents need to assess and respond in ways that are appropriate and suit their individual child.

Having said that, here are some general observations:

1) Every human being is driven by the basic need for self- worth. We all need to feel that we matter and have something to offer. When that feeling is eclipsed by poor performance in school, lack of acceptance by friends, unrealistic expectations (either too high or too low) on part of parents or teachers, or self perceived inadequacies, the individual will resort to almost anything to fill the black hole within themselves.

The pathological extreme would be a state of mind marked by a break with reality that would impart psychotic delusions of grandeur -- thinking of oneself as a ruler, king or the Messiah. The thinking of psychologists is that often times the origin of this unfortunate mental state is a desperate attempt, even at the cost of one’s sanity, to gain a sense of self-worth. One cannot exist or function when he feels worthless and that life has no use for him.

2) What follows on the heels of the first point is what the Baal Shem Tov, master of the Chassidic movement, advised a parent who sought his counsel about a wayward child. The Baal Shem Tov exhorted him to “love him more.” Ordinarily this would seem counterintuitive, but in light of the above, we don’t want to confirm a child’s bad opinion of himself, nor make him think that to us he is unredeemable or a lost cause. Therefore, we should eschew or at least not visibly manifest a sense of disappointment or despair in our interactions with a young one.

Creating a safe, nonjudgmental environment is the imperative goal.

3) Whatever we do, the objective to bear in mind should be to keep the lines of communication open. As painful as it might be to resist rebuking, the last thing we want is for our child to feel that home and parents are not a safe place to share what is going on in his life. Creating a safe, nonjudgmental environment is the imperative goal. Hence, open conversations should be welcome.

Consider David, whose mother brought him in to discuss her concerns over recent behaviors. In private David shared that he could not communicate with his parents because they talked at him, not to him. There was no listening taking place. They had their preconceived ideas and impressions of what was happening and did not allow for openness in a hospitable environment. He could not share his feelings with them. Additionally he felt marginalized. He commented that there was no acknowledgement on their part at any time of any of the things he was doing right. The current situation, it seemed to him, cancelled out any good in their eyes. They saw him, in his estimation, exclusively as a “negative piece of work.”

4) At the same time, we do want to register our disapproval about the unacceptable behaviors displayed. This should be done without heavy drama. The conversations should focus on a reality check on the practicalities of the situation. It should be an exploration of where these behaviors are likely to lead -- the consequences down the line and the inevitable self destruction and lost opportunities that will in all likelihood result from actions that are not well considered and thought out. A very delicate balance has to be maintained. We must take care that the affect created by our interaction is one that carries the message of “You are too good, your potential is too great, you have too much to offer to stoop to this type of behavior regardless of what anyone else is doing."

My father-in- law of blessed memory raised five exemplary sons. One of his sons was questioned as to what his father’s magic formula had been. He replied that his father never belittled his sons. When they did something inappropriate, he would summon them and reprimand them with the words, “Es Past Nisht” -- It is not becoming of you. Disapproval was registered, but their dignity was left intact. A vote of confidence is a very powerful tool in forging positive relationships. My father-in-law's estimation of his sons provided ample motivation for them to move through life and its many challenges in a way that would not betray or disappoint their father’s faith in them.

5) Be aware as well, my dear reader, that your son, as a teenager, is groping for his identity. The phenomenon of the teenage years is being in that difficult and almost untenable place of still being a child, connected and enmeshed with parents, while at the same time seeking desperately to separate out and find one’s own place in the sun. It may appear to you as though nothing you say makes an impression, given the rolling of the eyes and shrugging of the shoulders. Be assured however that the words you speak will inevitably sink in and be a part of the innate wisdom that shape your child’s future life. Hopefully, that will happen before too much damage is done.

The words you speak will inevitably sink in and be a part of the innate wisdom that shape your child’s future life.

Our Sages explicate the verse in the Torah that states “And these words (teachings of the Torah) shall be upon your heart.” They ask the obvious question of why it is that the verse did not say “in your heart” but says “upon your heart”? After all, the Almighty’s directives would seem to be for us to integrate and to assimilate into our heart and not upon our heart. The explanation given is that the human condition is such that there are times when we are not ready or are downright resistant to truth and guidance, no matter how compelling it may be. Under these circumstances the words cannot enter or penetrate into our hearts. It is advisable therefore to simply put them out there upon our hearts so that down the line our hearts will hopefully open up and the wisdom will be there, ready to seep and inform our lives.

Similarly, dear reader, do not despair. Your words of guidance, given in a context of love, caring and affirmation of worth will down the line, resonate with your son.

6) Our Sages advise in dealing with children that need discipline that “the left hand should push away and the right hand should draw close.” Again it is about balance. The left hand that disciplines should take the form of establishing boundaries. Again, each case is individual but parents are entitled and should have rules in their home. They might include such things as smoking will not take place on these premises, curfews, etc. Whatever you think you can enforce without driving your son away should be done. The overriding objective at all times however should be to remain connected.

7) Seek professional help to support you and help you interact effectively with the situation. It would certainly be beneficial if your son would be open to talking to an objective party, either a professional or a mentor whom he admires.

As parents you might also network. There are many organizations that specialize in addressing the issues of potential children at risk.

As in all the many challenges of life, prayer is most powerful. Pouring our hearts out to the Almighty and enlisting His assistance has a dual purpose. It will be therapeutic for yourself as it will help you realize and recognize that you are not alone. And that just as we all care for our children, and you care for your son, our Heavenly parent cares about all of us, His children. And secondly, He is the omnipotent being who can make anything and everything happen!

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About the Author

Rebbetzin Feige Twerski of Milwaukee, Wisconsin has devoted her life to Jewish education and Outreach, giving lectures worldwide on a myriad of Judaic subjects. She is a mother of 11 children, and many grandchildren whose number she refuses to divulge. She serves as the Rebbetzin along side her husband, Rabbi Michel Twerski, of Congregation Beth Jehudah of Milwaukee.

Visitor Comments: 11

(10)
Anonymous,
September 17, 2010 5:04 AM

My son is presently recovering from acute psychosis. When he was 14 we were told he was 'at risk' but noone told us at risk for what?(noone talks about psychosis-it is taboo).None of the professionals we had seen could put their finger on the problem . Two things stood out while reading this letter. one: mother and father do not see eye to eye on how to talk to their son-(this is of utmost importance and time must be spent discussing this) and two: it is of utmost importance to have faith in your son as well as faith in finding the right professional ---as long as it takes to get it right.. Hoping your son will not need this advice. Good luck!

(9)
Sharon,
May 31, 2010 6:53 AM

advice does not fit issue

The parents need to calm down. I know of many children who dawdle when preparing for bed, and while they might perform better in school with more sleep, this is far from a "terrible" problem. Parents need to prevent their relationship with their son from suffering. My ten year old goes to bed way too late and I am also often frustrated, but she is a wonderful child in most ways and she functions fairly well even with too little sleep. I let her read me a story if she is ready by a certain hour and that motivates her sometimes to be more efficient.
Dawdling is very common and maybe it serves some psychological function. When one matures, he becomes more responsible and uses his time for efficiently.

(8)
Rose,
May 25, 2010 10:21 PM

Frustrating article

This article did not address the points that the mother made. In fact, it seems like the mother anticipated every single one of R'Feige's points. This mother has done everything "right" and is still stuck. The only new suggestion in the article is to seek professional help which is usually a last resort and seems kind of overkill for typical pre-teen procrastination.

(7)
tobywil,
May 25, 2010 1:09 PM

thank you

Ess Past nisht, was one of my mother's (z"l) favorite expressions, thanx for reminding me, I haven't heard it in thirty years, great thoughtful and thought provoking parenting article, thank you,I am 77 years young, and I still procrastinate when I have something important to do , it's because I work best when under pressure just before a deadline. tobywil

(6)
Anonymous,
May 24, 2010 2:56 PM

maybe there is another problem

Maybe there is something more here. My 16 year old son fits your son's description when he was 11 years old. Does your son have trouble going to sleep and falling asleep?
If yes, there may be ADHD here. Not all kids with ADHD act up in class. My son is very bright and did well until 7 th grade. Nobody diagnosed his problem until the middle of 10th grade.
Good Luck!

Anonymous,
July 6, 2011 5:29 PM

teen newly diagnosed with ADD

Curious to see your comments, my son, 17, was recently diagnosed as ADD and started doing poorly in 8th grade... now, grade 11, he has dropped out of school. Like your son, mine is very bright - does very well on standardized tests... but hates school. Wondering how you and your son are coping. Thanks for writing your thoughts!

(5)
Rachel,
May 24, 2010 9:27 AM

big issues, little kids

when kids procrastinate, it's an immature way of dealing with a problem.
To teach him mature ways, model for him.
Say "I reached out for help to Rebetzen Twerski (may she live and be well) because I didn't know how to help you, and I love you, and I see you're suffering. This pattern isn't anyone's fault, but it's hurting all of us. I'd like if you reach out to me, or to someone else, to help sort out your part of it. Going to school or Minyan on time, is important, and I know you know that. Maybe some boys in school are doing the wrong thing, and that's upsetting you, or maybe you don't like Davening. These are things we can look for soulutions to, together. But if you just make an enemy out of me, I can't help you, and you can't even help yourself. I'm your friend. I love you. I'm always here for you."

(4)
Anonymous,
May 24, 2010 1:37 AM

we found a solution

we have a paper chocolate chip cookie for our 10 yr old son, with 10 chips. when he does something 'on time' a chip(s) is punched out with a hole puncher. he turns in fully punched out cookie for a priveledge such as 30 min of wii or staying up later, whatever. use as many cookies a day as you want to work with. works for us. good luck.

(3)
,
May 24, 2010 12:35 AM

Dear Mother,
I know with myself that often procrastination comes as a result of really dreading whatever it is that needs to be done. I find it a defense mechanism to deny in order to push off something unpleasant. Perhaps it is also worth trying to clarify with him whether there is something bothering him (such as school, friends) which causes him to procrastine so as to push off something he experiences as unpleasant for as long as possible in the morning?

I'm told that it's a mitzvah to become intoxicated on Purim. This puzzles me, because to my understanding, it is not considered a good thing to become intoxicated, period.

One of the characteristics of the at-risk youth is their use of drugs, including alcohol. In my experience, getting drunk doesn't reveal secrets. It makes people act stupid and irresponsible, doing things they would never do if they were sober. Also, I know a lot about the horrible health effects of abusing alcohol, because I work at a research center that focuses on addiction and substance abuse.

Also, I am an alcoholic, which means that if I drink, very bad things happen. I have not had a drink in 22 years, and I have no intention of starting now. Surely there must be instances where a person is excused from the obligation to drink. I don't see how Judaism could ever promote the idea of getting drunk. It just doesn't seem right.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Putting aside for a moment all the spiritual and philosophical reasons for getting drunk on Purim, this remains an issue of common sense. Of course, teenagers should be warned of the dangers of acute alcohol ingestion. Of course, nobody should drink and drive. Of course, nobody should become so drunk to the point of negligence in performing mitzvot. And of course, a recovering alcoholic should not partake of alcohol on Purim.

Indeed, the Code of Jewish Law explicitly says that if one suspects the drinking may affect him negatively, then he should NOT drink.

Getting drunk on Purim is actually one of the most difficult mitzvot to do correctly. A person should only drink if it will lead to positive spiritual results - e.g. under the loosening affect of the alcohol, greater awareness will surface of the love for God and Torah found deep in the heart. (Perhaps if we were on a higher spiritual level, we wouldn't need to get drunk!)

Yet the Talmud still speaks of an obligation on Purim of "not knowing the difference between Blessed is Mordechai and Cursed is Haman." How then should a person who doesn't drink get the point of “not knowing”? Simple - just go to sleep! (Rama - OC 695:2)

All this applies to individuals. But the question remains - does drinking on Purim adversely affect the collective social health of the Jewish community?

The aversion to alcoholism is engrained into Jewish consciousness from a number of Biblical and Talmudic sources. There are the rebuking words of prophets - Isaiah 28:1, Hosea 3:1 with Rashi, and Amos 6:6, and the Zohar says that "The wicked stray after wine" (Midrash Ne'alam Parshat Vayera).

It is well known that the rate of alcoholism among Jews has historically been very low. Numerous medical, psychological and sociological studies have confirmed this. The connection between Judaism and sobriety is so evident, that the following conversation is reported by Lawrence Kelemen in "Permission to Receive":

When Dr. Mark Keller, editor of the Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol, commented that "practically all Jews do drink, and yet all the world knows that Jews hardly ever become alcoholics," his colleague, Dr. Howard Haggard, director of Yale's Laboratory of Applied Physiology, jokingly proposed converting alcoholics to the Jewish religion in order to immerse them in a culture with healthy attitudes toward drinking!

Perhaps we could suggest that it is precisely because of the use of alcohol in traditional ceremonies (Kiddush, Bris, Purim, etc.), that Jews experience such low rates of alcoholism. This ceremonial usage may actually act like an inoculation - i.e. injecting a safe amount that keeps the disease away.

Of course, as we said earlier, all this needs to be monitored with good common sense. Yet in my personal experience - having been in the company of Torah scholars who were totally drunk on Purim - they acted with extreme gentleness and joy. Amid the Jewish songs and beautiful words of Torah, every year the event is, for me, very special.

Adar 12 marks the dedication of Herod's renovations on the second Holy Temple in Jerusalem in 11 BCE. Herod was king of Judea in the first century BCE who constructed grand projects like the fortresses at Masada and Herodium, the city of Caesarea, and fortifications around the old city of Jerusalem. The most ambitious of Herod's projects was the re-building of the Temple, which was in disrepair after standing over 300 years. Herod's renovations included a huge man-made platform that remains today the largest man-made platform in the world. It took 10,000 men 10 years just to build the retaining walls around the Temple Mount; the Western Wall that we know today is part of that retaining wall. The Temple itself was a phenomenal site, covered in gold and marble. As the Talmud says, "He who has not seen Herod's building, has never in his life seen a truly grand building."

Some people gauge the value of themselves by what they own. But in reality, the entire concept of ownership of possessions is based on an illusion. When you obtain a material object, it does not become part of you. Ownership is merely your right to use specific objects whenever you wish.

How unfortunate is the person who has an ambition to cleave to something impossible to cleave to! Such a person will not obtain what he desires and will experience suffering.

Fortunate is the person whose ambition it is to acquire personal growth that is independent of external factors. Such a person will lead a happy and rewarding life.

With exercising patience you could have saved yourself 400 zuzim (Berachos 20a).

This Talmudic proverb arose from a case where someone was fined 400 zuzim because he acted in undue haste and insulted some one.

I was once pulling into a parking lot. Since I was a bit late for an important appointment, I was terribly annoyed that the lead car in the procession was creeping at a snail's pace. The driver immediately in front of me was showing his impatience by sounding his horn. In my aggravation, I wanted to join him, but I saw no real purpose in adding to the cacophony.

When the lead driver finally pulled into a parking space, I saw a wheelchair symbol on his rear license plate. He was handicapped and was obviously in need of the nearest parking space. I felt bad that I had harbored such hostile feelings about him, but was gratified that I had not sounded my horn, because then I would really have felt guilty for my lack of consideration.

This incident has helped me to delay my reactions to other frustrating situations until I have more time to evaluate all the circumstances. My motives do not stem from lofty principles, but from my desire to avoid having to feel guilt and remorse for having been foolish or inconsiderate.

Today I shall...

try to withhold impulsive reaction, bearing in mind that a hasty act performed without full knowledge of all the circumstances may cause me much distress.

With stories and insights,
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