1.
If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any
way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down,
it
automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.

HOW
DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME:

1.
Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both fart shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats.

HOW
DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN:

1.
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you-except fetch (and they
never
laugh at how you throw.)
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

TOP
TEN REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN:

10.
A dog's parents will never visit you.
9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
7. A dog never expects you to telephone.
6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog
3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
1. A dog does not shop.

LIFE
LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG:

1.
If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get
what
you want.
2. Don't go out without ID.
3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you
feel by
piddling on their shoes.
4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use
it.
5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in
the
crotch is most effective.
7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility
(as
soon as you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed).
8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.

Dog
Commandments

Thou
shalt not act half starved whenever thou watches me eat.
Thou shalt not lift thy leg to water the Christmas tree.
Thou shalt not roll in any smelly stuff thy finds in the
yard.
Thou shalt not lie down next to me and commence making licking
and
popping noises. (I know what thou art doing!)
Thou shalt not dig up my favorite rose bush.
Thou shalt not treat my shoes as if they were thy chew toy.
Thou shalt not drink out of the toilet.
Thou shalt keep thy nose out of the cat's litter box.
Thou shalt not WATCH the cat while she is in her litterbox.
(she
likes her privacy)
Thou shalt not pass gas in my presence, and then walk away
as if thou
has been offended by me.
Thou shalt not run away from home in pursuit of a good time.
(thou
has been neutered)
Thou shalt refrain from coughing and gagging while we have
company.
Thou shall not hide thy bones under my pillow.
Thou shalt not sniff the crotch of everyone thy encounters.
Thou shalt not harmonize with the cat at 2a.m.
Thou shalt not sneak up on me and lick me in the mouth while
I am
sleeping.
Thou shalt refrain from becoming overly affectionate with
my
mother-in-law's leg.