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Wednesday, February 6, 2013

I streamed a stream of consciousNESS

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Wednesday’sChildIsFullOfEverySha-La-La-LaEveryWhoa-Whoa-WoeKarenCarpenterIsStillDead,
February 6, 2013. (That there joke
operated on so many levels that it was frightening, wunnit? A sort of existential tone poem of a joke, if
you will, Buffalo Bill coupe de ville Anita Hill. The sort of joke a Buddhist monk might mime
to his yak. A yuk for yaks, as it
(subjunctively) were.)

We may be having a stroke. Oh, We can raise Our arms, and We can smile,
but when We tried to say a sentence, it came out as one of the sentences from
the preceding paragraph, so the jury is still out.

We are apparently becoming civic-minded in
Our dotage. That was Our second Public
Service Announcement in two days. Many
of you are no doubt still recovering from Our breast cancer PSA video from
yesterday. Speaking of strokes.

As a matter of fact, We’re feeling so
benignly benevolent and benevolently benign that We’re gonna replay that PSA
just pour vous, Nanette Fabray:

For those of YouPeople who have paused long
enough in your naked skimming to wonder just how We create such a bantery barrage
of bon motley badinage every day before breakfast, We are here to tell you,
Boris Badonov, it is almost entirely stream-of-consciousness. Stream-of-consciousness is, of course, a
literary technique perfected by noted American author William Faulkner. We are fairly certain We’ve never read an
actual word written by the illustrious Mister Faulkner, but, on multiple choice
tests in high school, if they said “William Faulkner”, we were trained to bark
out “stream-of-consciousness”, much like Pavlov’s dog.

Speaking of Our Sistah Ovella (is it just Us,
or is the stream of Our consciousness much like a circus elephant pissing on
your head and then telling you it’s raining? (Of course it isn’t, silly; circus
elephants can’t talk. (This is the same
reason why those Buddhist monks had to mime to their yaks. (Oh, look; We’ve come full circle! (To
everything (turd-turd-turd) there is a season (turd-turd-turd)…)))))

What the fuck were We talking about? Oh, yes, Our Sistah Ovella. To cheer Ourselves up here in the dead of
winter, she is coming over later and We’re gonna eat baguettes and watch French
people starve to death. That is, We’re
gonna look at Our SAG screener of Less
Miserable. If We’re lucky, maybe
long about the third hour, Jerry Lewis will sing a song.

As Marcel Marceau always says:

Here is a little Aquarius fillum, for Our
birthday Aquarians:

And here are the HorrorScopes:

Apparently, today is everybody’s birthday, from Axl Rose to
Zsa Zsa Gabor. (We have no idea what
that means, but We do enjoy the symmetry.)

You need to snap into action today (We’ve already had a stroke…isn’t that enough “snapping”
for one day?)

— so make sure that you’re not just spinning your wheels or
talking the big talk. (Also, what about Crackle? And Pop?)

Things should start to get more interesting (Well, they
certainly couldn’t get less.)

just as you’re in the thick of it all! (Is it just Us, or did the exclamation point
make that sound really dirty?)

Seek out someone who
you really respect or admire and find out how they do it. (WWWFD?)

(What Would William Faulkner Do? (Try to keep up. Jeebus.))

If you love how they handle themselves in a meeting, (Or if
you just love how they handle their love-handles.)

ask them for pointers on how to improve your verbal
communication. (It is also Eva Braun’s
birthday. We just thought We’d throw
that in there.)

If you admire the way they always get the party started,
find out how you can become more outgoing.
(What if We want to become more incoming? If you know what We mean. And We think you do.)

Whatever you want to learn today, the best way to get your
education is by asking someone who’s already doing it well. (Now We are
picturing Axl Rose and Zsa Zsa Gabor sharing birthday cake. Someone make it stop, please.)

They’ll be flattered (Or flattened.)

and will start seeing you in a more positive light. (How ‘bout a nice bastard amber?)

Exploring some new scenes and meeting some fresh characters
gives your heart the kick-start it’s desperately in need of. (Did We mention Our stroke? Kick-starting Our heart might not be the
wisest idea…)

Now for something, and maybe even someone, entirely
different! (Whatevs. We gotta go to the bakery for baguettes.)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.