Posts Tagged ‘help’

Mother Hen has always advocated for good household management, especially when it comes to financial matters, which is why it is time for her to turn her attention to the world’s current economic woes. There are rules that govern the Coop Family’s budget that certain countries like Grease, Spam, Ironland , and even the good ol’ US of A could learn from.

Here we go!

Don’t count your chickens until they’re hatched.

Basically, if you ain’t got it yet, you ain’t got it. No guessing, no hoping, no borrowing the neighbors’ chicks to make it look good to Farmer Brown or anyone else. That’s how overpopulation happens, but that’s another kettle of fish. Sooner or later you have to give those chicks back, and then look how much feed it’s going to cost you!

Always keep a nest egg, and add to it every week.

Oh, it’s always tempting to have company for dinner and show off your best bib and tucker, but if you eat all your feed in the fall, what is going to keep you through the winter? Just one visit from Mr. & Mrs. Hogg may provide you with a hop up that social ladder, but expensive! Always keep some aside, just in case.

Or in other words, if you want to keep the wolf from the door, you’d better not entertain pigs!

The problem is that you still have to cover your butt, people. Nothing says poverty like a straggly-looking hen with gooseflesh hanging out. It gets mighty cold in the winter when your backside is bare!

Don’t be so busy struttin’ your stuff that you run out of stuffing to strut with!

Do more than just scratch out a living.

If you are just bringing in enough to get by, you aren’t bringing in enough to get by! Find ways to haul in more, for heaven’s sake! For instance, Father Rooster has a second job as the school alarm. Mother Hen thanks to her unique, specialized and remarkable abilities is a part-time writer, and that’s not just chickenfeed, folks. (Okay it is, but it shouldn’t be!)

All those You’reAPeein’ countries need to shake a tail feather and get their rears in gear! Even the Americans need to quite singing Yankee Doodle Dandee, stick a feather in their caps, and coop-erate, for heaven’s sake, before all their chickens come home to roost, since their rafters are full already!

Will Father Rooster get up in time to wake up the farm? Will Missy Hen quit flirting with all the young roosters long enough to graduate? Did Junior take off his football helmet before he went to bed?

Unlike most chickens, though, Mother Hen worries about the state of the world too.

Is climate change going to fry all the world’s chickens? Will the uncertainty of the global economy destroy Mother Hen’s nest egg? Will Republicans and Democrats quit playing “chicken” with the financial future of the United States?

If everyone simply listened to Mother Hen, this would be a better world.

“Oh, really?” you say, only because you are not yet fully acquainted with the depth and power of MH’s years of accumulated wisdom.

Yes, really.

Father Rooster needs to set his clock radio that Mother H. generously got him for his Hatching Day present.

Missy Hen should wear her glasses so she can use her eyes for something other than eyelash-batting.

Junior Rooster, let’s face it, needs to learn self-defense before he can ever dream of playing defense.

Now, the politicians would like to have you believe that saving the world is much, much harder than running a family coop. Poppycock!!!!

Mother Hen humbly contributes the following brilliant insights.

Build around trees, not over them. Fine for every viable tree cut down.

Give tax breaks to companies, small businesses and homes that use green energy to go off the grid, as well as companies that help everyone to produce clean energy.

Reduce insurance rates for people who regularly use public transportation.

Cut business taxes proportionally to number of new full-time hires.

Cut sales taxes on domestically produced merchandise.

Re-direct the military toward more peacekeeping and disaster assistance. Acts of aggression, towards any country or one’s own citizens, is to be met with pre-established UN protocols and discipline, including suspension of participation in international organizations.

Suspend or reduce salaries of congress and senate first if US government funding is cut off, with salary and bonuses tied to domestic prosperity indexes.

Personal taxes should be geared to income. If you have money and property, you contribute. If you don’t, you get a break. There are enough natural incentives to pursue financial success without penalizing the poor for being poor and rewarding the rich further for being rich. This is not communism, folks, for Pete’s sake! This is The Golden Rule. Mother Hen has spoken!

So, there are just a few kernels of wisdom from Mother Hen’s plentiful silo.

Mother Hen has always wondered why humans call their young baby goats. People are a puzzling species.

Naturally, Mother H. has a few things to say about the matter of parenting. After all, when you’ve raised 263 hatchlings to be responsible hens and roosters, like she has, you will be quite the authority as well.

Rule Number One:

Never tell a young’un more than twice, tops.

Tell them once because, well, how else are they supposed to know? Tell them twice only to give them the benefit of the doubt. After all, they might have fluff in their ears and not have heard you the first time.

Continuing to cackle simply teaches the little beggars that they only have to move their precious tail feathers once Mama starts to really squawk. By that time, Mother is about to have a conniption, which is bad for her mental health.

Rule Number Two

To every action there is an equal (but not necessarily opposite) reaction.

If a young’un does the right thing, fuss. Do everything short of throwing a party in her honor. Sing her praises. Give her a high five. Put a sticker her chart. When parents fuss more about the negative than they do about the positive, guess which kind of behavior a little chickie will choose more?

If a young’un does the wrong thing, don’t fuss. Calmly enforce pre-determined consequences that fit the crime. Time outs, complete with a little egg timer are Mother H’s favorite. The trick is that the whole time out must be spent quietly by the little delinquent or the time starts over again. If that naughty little rooster hops away before his time is done, pick him up and put him back. After a good time out served, offer a hug. Mama still loves her baby even when he messes up, now doesn’t she? (Hint: The correct answer is yes.)

For bigger offences, there must be bigger consequences. Say your little chicken crosses the road, a definite no-no. Well, there is one hatchling who is going to have her freedom curtailed for a while!

Rule Number Three

Don’t threaten. Have rules, have consequences, and that it is that. However if you do by any chance threaten, make sure it is something that you are willing to follow through on, Mama and Papa.

Typical family conversation as overheard by Mother Hen:

Mama: Stop that, Junior! Put your little sister down, right now!

Mama: I’m warning you Junior! I am going to count to three!

Papa: Listen to your mother, Junior. [His eyes are glued to the game on TV.]

Mama: One! Two! Three! I’m not going to tell you again! That’s it: a week in the coop for you!

Junior: Awww, Mom!

Papa: Isn’t that a bit harsh, dear?

Mama: Well, okay. Go sit in the nest for three minutes, Junior.

Junior: Just give me a sec.

Mother: One…

Junior learned his lesson all right. He learned that parents don’t mean what they say, and that any consequence is negotiable. Which lead us to:

Rule Number Four

Present a united front.If there is more than one parent, back each other up.

“Well, what if he’s wrong?” you say. Discuss it, later, away from the chicks. Remember, someday soon, you will want him to back you up!

Rule Number Five

Don’t lose it, and we all know what it is, don’t we? Our nasty bad tempers that’s what! When you lose it, you have lost, plain and simple. The little monsters have won. Need we say more? Mother Hen didn’t think so.

My five-year-old is driving me crazy! Her father says that he wants full custody, and I am seriously considering it. Let him and his skinny little girlfriend deal with her if they can!

I told her on Monday that she has until Friday to shape up or they can just keep her. Since then she hasn’t exactly been an angel, but she has cooperated some. This morning she brought me her dirty clothes, separated them, and put them in the washer without complaining – for once! She didn’t fold them right though.

She was supposed to dust the living room after lunch, but I found her playing with the cat instead, so she got a time out for goofing off. Next time I turned around she was gone out the door, and she hadn’t even done her whole time out! I had to haul her back from the neighbor’s in front of everyone. She got a spank on the bum for that one, you bet!

Since then she picked up her room okay, I guess, and didn’t make too much of a stink over her bath time. I almost fell over when she volunteered to go to bed early! Like that ever happens!

Thank goodness she goes to kindergarten every other day, or I swear I wouldn’t make it through the week. Watching her all the time is wearing me out! It is only Wednesday and I can’t wait for the weekend.

No man is ever going to look twice at me as long as I have a bratty little kid. Should I just let her dad have her and get on with my life?

Fed-Up Mom

Dear Fed-Up Mom,

Raising children takes a lot of energy and time. It is huge commitment, and a 24/7 responsibility. Putting the needs of your child first requires major sacrifice as a parent, and I sincerely question whether you are you are prepared to put your own preferences aside to focus on your daughter full-time.

I am very concerned about your statement, “…she has until Friday to shape up.”

Children need to know that they are loved unconditionally, not only if they do the right thing or have a good day, but when they make mistakes and have bad days. I am willing to bet that well before Friday, she is going to test you to see if you truly care for her or if you will disown her when she misbehaves. I think that you have already answered that question, and unfortunately, the answer is that she had better stay in line or else she is gone. That is not good enough.

Ask yourself, “Am I prepared to provide a secure, consistent and loving home on a daily basis, or would I be a better part-time mom, with time to prepare myself for her visits, and time to myself in between? If I were only required to supervise her some of the time, would I have more patience, and maybe even some fun, with my daughter?”

When children get positive attention, they don’t feel the same need to act out to get negative attention. Try playing with your little girl, so that your time together isn’t always so stressful. Blowing bubbles or going to the playground at the park together, for example, would be enjoyable and relaxing for both of you.

Catch her doing something well or trying hard, and then praise her like crazy. Give a hug or a high-five too! You will be surprised at how much of a difference little things like that can make in your relationship.

If your daughter’s father and his girlfriend are reasonable people who treat her well, and who truly want her in their home, then it may be best if they have primary custody of your little girl. It is important that she not see going to her dad’s place as a punishment though, so stop using that as a threat for bad behavior. Instead, tell her that Daddy wants to spend more time with her, and reassure her that you still want to be part of her life and will see her often. Make sure that you keep that promise, too, because someday when she has children of her own you will be so happy that you did!

I thought I had met the “one,” but he just broke up with me! This was my first love, and I thought we would spend the rest of our lives together. I even moved in with him just a couple of months ago, and now I am on my own again.

I am a mess. I can’t sleep, I’m late on assignments, and just looking at food makes me want to throw up! I burst out crying on the bus today, and everybody was looking at me.

I don’t know how I’m going to make it through the day most of the time.

My friends all say I’ll get over it, but I don’t think they understand how great the two of us were together. Sometimes I’m not sure that they ever liked him, because they try to tell me I am better off without him!

What am I going to do if he doesn’t come back?

Broken-Hearted Girl

Dear Broken-Hearted Girl,

Break-ups are tough, and when it is the first time you don’t even have the experience of knowing that you will get over it. All you know is the pain.
Is it possible that you are in love with the person that you thought he was and wished he was, more than the guy who he turned out to be? Could it have been infatuation, which is a passionate attraction, rather than real love, which is based on trust and respect? Over time you will see the differences more clearly, and see him more clearly as well.
You will grieve this loss, and that is only natural, so be kind to yourself while that process takes place. Treat yourself to non-food things and activities that comfort you (bubble baths, a new book, whatever works for you). Don’t spend too much time alone. Give yourself time to gain perspective, and in the meantime, simply put one foot in front of the other. It will get better. I promise.