Note: This is a seattlepi.com reader blog. It is not written or edited by the P-I. The authors are solely responsible for content. E-mail us at newmedia@seattlepi.com if you consider a post inappropriate..

Catching up with ‘The Real Housewives of New York City’: Accept it

Let me begin by telling you that this is not a recap of the reunion. If you were looking for a reunion recap, I’m sorry, I’m really very sorry, this is not that. See, I was already a week behind on the recaps when I went out of town for two weeks and then The Bachelorette had its stupid, slut-shaming finale and the next thing you know, I was behind by FOUR EPISODES of The Real Housewives of New York City. Oy. It’s enough to make me want to throw a fake leg at my own head. And so, here I am, struggling to catch up before the last chunk of reunion airs. Considering that we have two more weeks to go, I’m pretty sure I can make it. So if you’re not too angry with me for being so late, let’s travel all the way back in time to early July.

Back in New York, FINALLY, Kristen and Heather and their husbands (Awful and Jonathan, respectively) meet for dinner, but not before Kristen explains that while she’s forgiven Heather, she hasn’t forgotten that Heather got drunk that one time and didn’t want to go geocaching. And Kristen demonstrates her forgiveness by being passive aggressive towards a late-arriving Heather and then rehashing the whole “Is Heather Bossy?” debate. The group agrees that yes, Heather is bossy.

Heather and Kristen’s Awful Husband begin talking shop, exasperating Kristen who begins whinging to Heather and Jonathan about Her Awful Husband’s awful hours and awful refusal to spend time with their family. Heather, however, is unsympathetic, and begins condescending to Kristen: as a stay-at-home mom, Kristen simply doesn’t know what it’s like to be Very Important and to work Very Hard. Even when Kristen shares a terrible story about how Her Awful Husband up and announced that he had sold their Los Angeles house and they had to be out of it in 10 days WITHOUT DISCUSSING IT WITH HER FIRST, Heather merely shrugs. Important people are gonna do what important people are gonna do. Kristen might understand that if she had a real job. Good friends! Everyone is terrific!

Later, Kristen decides that she’s going to cook dinner for Her Awful Husband, despite not being a good cook and Her Awful Husband certainly not deserving the effort. After fussing in the kitchen over some boxed salad and deciding that she doesn’t beed to wash it …

… she calls Her Awful Husband who is now 30 minutes late for dinner. In response, Her Awful Husband screams at her that HE WAS ON A CONFERENCE CALL and he couldn’t be bothered to text her BECAUSE HE WAS DOING BUSINESS and THERE ARE MOVING PIECES and he was having to DEAL WITH 6 DIFFERENT PEOPLE. Kristen hangs up on Her Awful Husband on account of his awfulness.

Her Awful Husband finally arrives at home to find a sullen wife and some burnt potatoes. Kristen explains him that while she does understand that he was held up at work, she doesn’t understand why he couldn’t text her or have an assistant email her to let her know he would be running late. It’s called common courtesy. But Her Awful Husband, he’s nothing if he’s not awful! And he goes on to not answer her at all, but instead mock her dinner, announce that he’d rather eat out for dinner and then bristle when she asks him to set the table. For the dinner she cooked all day. In response to his complaining that he might come home more often if she had a hot meal on the table for him. HE IS THE BEST! THIS IS A GREAT MARRIAGE!

And so they sit down to the dinner she prepared — which looked nice, by the way, even if the salad was covered in e.coli — and Kristen again demands to know why he couldn’t just be bothered to give her a head up that he was running late, it’s not so much to ask. Kristen then points out that if he had a meeting with a client that conflicted with a conference call, he’d either end the call or he would let the client know that he was running late, BECAUSE THAT IS CALLED COMMON COURTESY. But Her Awful Husband, he’s pretty sure he doesn’t have to extend common courtesy to his wife, and she wouldn’t understand because she’s never had a real job before. Her Awful Husband then announces that they need a “mediator” because maybe having an outside party tell Kristen that she is an idiot who doesn’t understand how Very Important People are not obligated to be kind to or aware of their spouses, that’s just science, that might make her get off his back about being an inconsiderate jerkhole all the time. Kristen is thrilled at the idea of going to a marriage counselor, enthusiasm that she should probably be saving for visiting a divorce attorney. And in conclusion, Kristen’s Awful Husband is awful.

In other definitely happy, not spinning down the drain relationships, The Countess and peu petit ami français have some professional photographs of themselves and their dogs taken in the park, bicker.

Hope you weren’t wanting a lot of Her Serene Highness Princess Carole Radziwill this week, because she is on screen for all of three minutes. We meet Princess Carole’s new assistant Whatsherface, watch Her Sereness mail some book galleys and see her ordering her contractor to change something on a window in her apartment. Thus concludes This Week in Her Serene Highness Princess Carole Radziwill.

As for Sonja, after interviewing yet another new intern — one can never have too many interns, after all, Sonja Morgan simply can not be expected to read her own emails or hold her own pocketbooks — she plays hostess to Aviva, who presumably spent the week while everyone was in Montana shopping for nebulizer charms and having panic attacks. For reasons that are unclear, Sonja has invited Aviva over for the express purpose of telling her that the entire time they were in Montana, all the other ladies were talking about how Aviva was faking her asthma as an excuse to stay home with Reid, and specifically notes that Ramona was the worst offender. Aviva is OUTRAGED! and FURIOUS! SHE IS NOT FAKING HER ASTHMA! AND IF SHE WERE FAKING HER ASTHMA, WHICH SHE WAS NOT, IT WAS TO NOT BE SEPARATED FROM REID! SHE VISITS AMPUTEES ALL OVER THE COUNTRY BY HERSELF! HER LUNG CAPACITY IS UNDER 50%! SHE SHOULD BE HOSPITALIZED, HER ASTHMA IS SO TERRIBLE! MAYBE SHE IS ALSO LYING ABOUT HER PROSTHETIC LEG! MAYBE SHE CUT OFF HER OWN LEG JUST FOR THE ATTENTION!

tumblr.com

Accept it. ACCEPT IT.

And then Ramona and Sonja and Kristen go to the plastic surgeon’s office together where Kristen is forced to watch Ramona and Sonja receive some sort of laser-quackery on their mid-sections and be told that she needs an eye-lift. Fun times.

Sonja then has a picnic with Harry the Ex in Central Park. Nothing happens. I mean, Sonja tells him he smells good and they tell each other that they love one another, and Sonja explains that they broke up 25 years ago when Harry the Ex took some other lady out on New Year’s Eve, but other than that, nothing happens, not really.

Finally, Ramona explains to us that Mario is going to be “serenading” her at a Birdland open mic later in the week, along with The Countess and Heather for some reason, and I just don’t even know where to begin. So many questions:

Since when does Mario sing?

Why is he doing this?

What does Mario singing have to do with The Countess?

How did Heather get dragged into this?

Ramona’s “gay husband” is a songwriter?

Who is this “gay husband” guy again?

Does Mario know that whispering into a microphone is not the same thing as singing?

WHAT IS THIS THAT IS HAPPENING?

Alas, all we are left with are questions and no answers. No answers and some truly awful singing.

At Birdland, Heather helpfully explains that she was corralled into being The Countess’ backup singer because her dad was a jazz musician or something? Sure, makes sense. Upon arriving at Birdland, however, The Countess announces that she shall not be performing, a decision that Ramona attributes to the lack of autotune in live performances. And Ramona is most certainly correct about this!

NEVER FORGET.

Being Ramona, however, she can’t help but scream this revelation at everyone. She screams it at Mario who is trying to prepare for his big performance, which leads him to yell back at Ramona to “BE QUIET!” She screams it at Sonja who smirks Sonjaly. And she screams it at The Countess herself. Several times. The Countess attempts to laugh it off, and wave it off, but Ramona is nothing if not persistent (And annoying. Ramona is nothing if not persistent and annoying. And drunk.). Eventually, when Ramona yells something about the piano player (I don’t know, something about how The Countess claimed that he only played backup for her?) The Countess’s “good manners” are finally whittled to a nub and she is reduced to yelling THAT HE PLAYS FOR LIZA MINNELLI, SO SHUT YOUR FACE, YOU COW!

And then the band goes on and Mario whisper-sings the stupid “Effortless” song that Ramona’s “gay husband” wrote for him and it is just as terrible as it was when he was practicing it. Like, I had actually found myself hoping that during the practice he was just sorta walking through the song to learn it and that once on stage, he’d open up and have this big voice? But that’s not what happens. That is not what happens at all. He is not a good singer, you guys. He’s not a terrible singer — he’s no Simon van Lunchboxhead, for instance — but he’s not a good singer, either. He should change his name to Mario Mediocresinger. ZING! I GOT YOU, MARIO!

Finally, Heather goes on stage by herself and shouts her way through “Bill Bailey.” While Heather’s singing is not nearly as great as the rest of the ladies are making it out to be, she gives a vastly more entertaining performance than Mario’s weary washed-out whispering of “Effortless.” And my experience with Real Housewives tells me that we can expect Heather to autotune it and sell it on iTunes any second now.

And now I’m only three episodes behind! WE CAN DO THIS THING.

The Real Housewives of New York City airs Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on Bravo.

Therese is also watching 24, The Bachelorette, America’s Got Talent and The Real Housewives of New Jersey in theory. None of these entries will ever be done on time, obviously, because I have asthma. I can show you my doctor’s note.

Note: This is a seattlepi.com reader blog. It is not written or edited by the P-I. The authors are solely responsible for content. E-mail us at newmedia@seattlepi.com if you consider a post inappropriate..