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Wednesday, February 9, 2011

A Manual For Life.

I think this post will be a bit short because I'm absolutely exhausted tonight, and I feel I need my bed. And my stuffed toy elephant, Miyoko-chan.

A conversation with my Gentleman (Xin) today prompted me to think about how many people know about their walls. Now, I don't mean the walls in your home (that would be silly. I mean, all you need to do is to walk INTO a wall and you know it's there.), but the ones in yourself.

Have you ever been of the mood that SOMETHING is wrong, but you're not sure what it is? Honestly that's a very broad question, because the 'wrong' could be many things.. Hmm. Let me put it this way. Have you ever felt that you needed to distract yourself from something in your own mind or soul that you just don't feel you can deal with yet? And yet you're not sure what it is?

[yes I think that's a better explanation]

In my case I used to distract myself from feeling my depression. I would read, watch reruns of my favourite shows, sleep, ANYTHING to stop me from feeling and admitting to that deep abyss of nothing. I refused to acknowledge my wall, and it was just fine with that. It WANTED me to stay away. It didn't want me going in their and feeling everything that was so wrong. It was, in other words, trying to protect me from what was behind it.

The problem was that, eventually, the nothingness got so big that it swallowed the wall and me with it. And that's when I had to choose what I was going to do.

Now, I'm not saying that all walls need to be accounted for. If you encounter one in your own mind, you don't have to immediately go barging in their with a metaphorical machine gun. No. [In fact, please don't?] If you are comfortable with the wall being there, then that's okay. And when you feel ready to see what's behind that wall, do it with care. It might be something that hurts you.

As my Gentleman said, he's comfortable with his wall for the time being, since he doesn't feel he's ready to become acquainted with it. Like a distant neighbour that you always intended to get to know, but don't try until they're walking past your house one day as you leave for work, or some such. Do it at your own pace, and feel what you need to feel.