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PREACH IT! Heidi Montag has no friends, hence all gossip about her is false

May 25, 2010 | 3:56
pm

We love celebrity logic. It’s a bit like string theory: When objects reach a certain size, they simply stop making sense. In physics, the nonsensical behavior occurs among quantum particles, which are very small. In Hollywood, it’s the opposite; where giant egos walk the Earth, bizarro thinking follows. But whatever. Admit it: The analogy we just made is way awesome. It has both stars AND physics, without actually veering into astrophysics.

Today’s example of rabbit-hole celebrity thinking: Heidi Montag. In a fresh series of Tweets, she declares two things, neither of which are exaggerated or taken out of context. The first is that she’s never been happier. Really. The whole new-rubber-face thing? Working out great.

The second thing is that she has no friends.

Take it away, Heidi (unedited, in no particular order of Tweet):

“I have never felt sexier, happier, or more amazing in my own skin. I truly look the way I have always dreamed, I love America and freedom!”

(Editor’s note: I know, right?!)

“My last surgery was the BEST decision of my life! Anything else anyone says (family members who are trying to make money off of me) is a lie!”

“You will get to know the true me and my REAL life VERY soon, under all my plastic haha! Not the Superficial ‘me’ you read about and watch!!!”

“PS I HAVE NO FRIENDS, the ones who are pretending to be ‘friends’ or ‘family’, are crazy, angry, broke, and bitter this is why they haven't been in my life for years! LIARS!”

As of this second, Montag hasn’t written anything else. But there’s one thing we can assume about her current status nonetheless: She is NOT out having lunch with or talking to ANY FRIENDS!!!!! Maybe Heidi is, like, having dinner with her husband, Spencer Pratt, or shooting some test shots for an ad campaign in Uzbekistan or something, but none of those people on the set are BUDDIES!!!! At most they are FRIENDLY ACQUAINTANCES!!

Get it? No. Well too bad for you, you little, unfamous person with un-enhanced breasts. It all makes sense to her -- in her own little subatomic bubble of fame.

--Leslie Gornstein

Photo: Heidi Montag, back in 2009, when she did have friends. Credit: Dan Steinberg / AP