Your Anxiety’s Fall TV Lineup

“CSI: Her?”

An undeserving fraud (played by you) somehow keeps getting career opportunities and tricking people into being nice to her. To restore karmic justice to the city, a pair of hardboiled detectives must learn to work as a team and arrest the perp (you) while never fully acknowledging the not-insignificant sexual tension between them. Your character, meanwhile, experiences sexual tension with nobody.

“Extreme Home Jealousy”

Each week, one of your friends wins a cash prize for decorating her apartment in a style that is effortlessly cool and reflective of her unique personality. You host the show, which requires you to convincingly act happy for your friends and not just get frustrated and pepper them with questions like “Where do I even buy ‘art’?”; “How do you pick colors that complement one another without making it look like the walls and the furniture have been dipped in an enormous vat of teal paint?”; and “Why are throw pillows so expensive?”

“Saturday Night at Home”

A ninety-minute variety program showcasing the many ways a person can feel bad about having no plans on a Saturday night. Features such classic recurring characters as Your Friend Who Would Probably Love to Hear from You if You Could Stop Being a Coward and Just Text Her, and The Roommate You Hide from so She Doesn’t Think You’re a Loser for Being Home, Even Though That Makes No Sense Because She Is Also Home. You’ve been watching this show faithfully since high school.

“Hole in the Wall”

An American adaptation of a popular Japanese game show, in which the contestant (always you) must contort not only her body but also her personality into the exact shape that she perceives another person desires in any given interaction. Potential shapes range from the relatively simple (being cheerful enough in the elevator that your co-workers don’t think you hate them) to, in later rounds, the more complex (subtly downplaying your achievements around your extended family so that no one feels envious).

“Not Nearly Enough Sex and the City”

Four fabulous N.Y.C. gals meet up for brunch and to ruthlessly belittle you for sometimes not being in the mood for sex. The mimosas are as bottomless as the pointed suggestions that you’ll never be able to satisfy a mate long-term. The only thing these ladies love more than finding the perfect pair of heels on sale is encouraging you to freak out about the inconsistency of your libido, despite your rational understanding that no one you’d ever want to date would expect you to be some kind of perpetually charged-up sex robot, and that you’re allowed to have fluctuating desires, so it’s not worth getting as upset about as you are right now!

“Emotional Survivor”

You are stranded on an island with no water, no shelter, and no meaningful friendships that can withstand your fear of intimacy. You must remain exposed on a wooden plinth for hours in the hot sun and come down only to go to restaurants that your boyfriend chooses and that you secretly don’t like very much. If you ask for any of your physical or emotional needs to be met, you are weak and you will be eliminated. ♦