March 25, 2009

Today and Eighteen Years Ago Today

Eighteen years ago today, my younger sister died in a single vehicle auto accident. She was 20 weeks pregnant at the time.

That whole thing seems like a million years ago and yet sometime it is very real and very raw and very present. I remember the weather and how bright and sunny it was being Monday of Holy Week. The weather was unlike today which was rainy and gloomy. I remember the ride over to my parent's house before my mom told us of the news. I remember being pregnant with Big Sister and I remember that white/red striped shirt that I wore that day and oh, how I loved that shirt. Funny how we remember certain things isn't it? I remember the flowers blooming in Charlie's parent's front yard as we passed by and them how within 15 minutes my parent's emtpy yard was filled with over 20 cars of people who heard and came immediately. I remember how the new pastor at our church telling us that it was his very first day at work at our church and how he had just set his coffee cup down on his desk and prayed out loud, "Ok, Lord. What now?" and the phone rang to tell him of the death in our family.

I don't dwell on that day but every once in a while, I think on that day and many of the events and how they all were eventually connected and how everything fit together like the pieces of a puzzle. Oh - another thing that I just thought of was how the alter guild ladies during the funeral were worried to death about there being enough individual cups of wine for communion....and how the very last cup was served to the very last person that knelt at the rail. I don't remember much from that funeral but I do remember that church being packed and people standing 3 and 5 deep along the aisle and around the back and in the middle aisle. Hmmm...

I never would have wished an ordeal like that to happen but healing is a choice and we can move forward, feeling what we feel and taking one breath at a time until we can take one moment at a time and then we eventually graduate to one day at a time and keep on going - but it's all a choice. When we focus on those things that we can control and know somewhere in our hearts that there are brighter days to come - we can do it. We have to be willing to let go of the past and the grief. It doesn't mean we forget the person or lose sight of who they were, it just means that we live in the present and look forward to the future as opposed to being tied to and held hostage to the past.

Here's to letting go and making the most of what and who we can hold in our hands right now.

Big Brother had some surgery today. Everything went better than we ever expected - nothing serious. He spent the afternoon playing and taking it easy while he listened to Vivaldi and lots of various jazz. He should be able to go back to school tomorrow. He's most proud of the tiny, red hole in his hand where they "put that IV tube." I was reminded today of how much my business really impacts my life because clients and past hostesses who work at the hospital saw our name on the roster and we had people coming by to check on us and that was very humbling. The anesthesiologist was our new neighbor across the street. The scrub nurse is the husband of a spa hostess from last week. He came to use before and after the surgery to give us updates and confirmation that all was well. We felt so cared for and connected. I was thankful to have the friendships and relationships that I have and the medium with which I have those. I was also able to schedule a Spa Works Program with the surgeon for her staff in the next coming weeks.

We had every expectation that things would go well but there's nothing like the sweet relief when it's all over and done and any risk of danger has passed.

It's days like today and special events in my life and the lives of my children that I miss her most. I've shared before how I still wish after all these years that I could pick up the phone and tell her all about my kids, my life and listen to her share of hers. Interestingly enough, I have another sister alive that this kind of relationship just isn't a reality for various reasons. I've come to realize that I most likely would not have the kind of relationship that I've tucked in my mind for all these years if my sister were still alive. I still like to think of how it might be if she were and I could share things with her. Hell, I still think about what it might be like to share that with my living sister.

Today, I thought of the people that I've loved in my life and lost. Some of those memories were happy and some were sad and some just were. I'm thankful to have known every single one of them and blessed to have been taught lifelong lessons by all of them.

And I'm very thankful that today turned out well and that it's bedtime for me.