‘Total Divas’ Recap: Natalya, Heel Thyself

Last time on Total Divas: Rusev and Lana did a Nashville photo shoot for their wedding invitations, because they are god’s most perfect creations. Also, everyone in the world is filming The Marine 5: Marine Layer, and Nikki Bella shocked the world by having a higher IQ than Brie.

Backstage, the various ladies are freaking out because they’re hearing rumors about the impending brand split and they’re not sure what it means for all of them after the draft. Nattie of all people asks John Laurinaitis if this means they’ll never see their friends again. She was one of the only women who was around during the first brand extension, so uh … no, Nattie.

Brie and Nikki are working out together. Nicole suggests that the two of them go to Napa while John Cena is on a film set. Nikki thinks they can get a lot of work done “by the pool.” Brie agrees to go on one condition: Napa remains a work-free space. She says Nikki tends to stress her out and kill her fertility.

Nattie makes her way into the building for a show and Mark Carrano marvels that she’s the only woman who ever knows how to find the building … and she’s the only woman who doesn’t have a riding partner. Carrano tells her to see creative. Nattie asks if she’s being killed off and ICE COLD MARK CARRANO says “Maybe,” because he’s just a shithead like that.

John and Nikki go out to dinner and Cena thinks her outfit might be a little bit revealing.

E!

Not seeing it John, you prude. Nikki is sad John is leaving on another shoot and she won’t get much time with him, but he assures her he’ll be home on Wednesdays.

E!

John Cena: genuine class (anagrams).

Nattie reveals that she’s been told she’s getting a heel turn. Or, as she puts it, “turning into a bad guy.” She doesn’t know how she’ll adapt, because she’s been a good guy for so long. Uh, trust me, Nattie, I think you’ll be fine. She says she’s been a good guy for five years. What, seriously? I guess it’s just … hard to tell? There’s probably a joke about WWE faces somewhere in here. Nattie is upset about her heel turn, because she gets cheered while turning on Becky Lynch. Probably not Nattie’s fault!

Brie and Nicole are in Napa and Nikki has a huge revelation: why don’t the Bellas have their own wine? They drink wine all the time! That probably qualifies them to have their own wine! Nikki’s been talking to someone about getting them their own wine. There’s probably just someone you can call about that. Probably in the yellow pages.

Brie and Nikki relax (with some wine) and Nikki talks about how she wants to retire to Napa someday. Brie says John would have to get used to a slow-paced life if that happens. Nikki says that’s never going to happen until John is old, so she’ll have to get used to spending time alone with her vibrator.

E!

Nattie, meanwhile, is freaking out (weird!) about how upset people are online about her heel turn, and she’s worried about losing thousands of fans and becoming destitute. Meanwhile, Paige is excited about finally getting back on television and working more. In a match on Raw, Paige takes a double suplex from Dana Brooke and Charlotte Flair and feels something pop in her shoulder. She says it’s the most painful experience of her life, and she thinks this would be the worst possible timing for her to get injured. In hindsight: yeah, probably.

Nattie’s heel turn continues apace, and she continues to get no reaction from her beatings-up of Becky Lynch. She’s worried what’ll happen if this turn fails, because she can’t go back to being a face, and she’s worried she’ll be fired.

Elsewhere, Eva Marie and Paige are spending the day together in San Antonio. They’ve made up and grown closer since all their early-seasons hatred of one another, so Eva Marie is excited to catch up and spend time. They spend the day at the snake farm, because Paige like weirding people out. Paige gets to wear a Burmese python and does her best Britney Spears impression.

E!

Nailed it.

Nattie checks in backstage with the hair and makeup people and sees if she can go full-tilt with the heel turn by wearing a black wig.

E!

Oh, honey. Rusev approves, though.

E!

Nattie feels ugly in the wig and agrees that it looks terrible. She thinks there must be another way to make the heel turn work. Yeah, a way other than wigs. Probably. Dolph looks decent in it, though.

E!

more like dolph wiggler am i right

Brie and Nikki are hanging out in Napa and arguing about how to spell “handkerchief.” Nikki’s first attempt: H-A-N-K-E-R-I-E-F. Reminder: she won the IQ test competition. Over dinner, Nikki brings up that she’s talking to people about a Bella brand wine. Brie rightfully points out that she doesn’t know anything about wine, but Nikki doesn’t think that matters. Brie wishes Nikki would just come to Napa to relax and not try to turn it into a business venture. She thinks Nikki is trying to keep up with John, and is just looking for things to fill her time while John is tied up with other things. Nikki hates that Brie is always trying to blame her aspirations on John.

Eva and Paige go on a river walk and Paige is so happy about being a “stepmom” to Alberto Del Rio’s kids, and for the first time she’s actually considering/looking forward to marrying someone. She also reveals that she got his name tattooed on her.

E!

Eva is like, “haha this is weird, she barely knows this guy” and Paige is like, “I’m really enjoying how much me and Eva are bonding.” Everything is going great.

Brie and Nikki go out in Napa and meet with some wine manufacturers, who show them some of their products. Brie says she wouldn’t be involved in the wine business, and the wine manufacturers try to convince her it’s not as much work as she might think. They offer to give them the crash course in the wine business over the next few days and the Bellas agree.

Eva and Paige are driving back home and Paige talks about how much her neck is bothering her, but doesn’t want anyone to know. Eva promises not to tell anyone, but buys a convenience store neck brace for Paige, because she’s a good friend.

E!

Backstage, Nattie catches up with ICE COLD MARK CARRANO and asks for permission to pitch some ideas to the powers that be. She says, “I think because I’ve been such a strong babyface over the past five years … ” and Carrano just says, “No,” but Nattie plows through without noticing, because NATTIEEEEE. Nattie asks to be paired with Eva Marie, because she feels that would be instant heat and she would be able to mentor Eva at the same time. Carrano immediately calls her out on the fact that her idea is set up to just steal Eva’s heat and doesn’t help Eva in any way. Nattie tries to protest, but Carrano just says, “Be a star on your own without stealing from other people” and walks away. ICE. COLD. MARK. CARRANO. Y’ALL.

E!

Brie and Nikki go out to a vineyard with their wine manufacturer friends. They learn about vine maintenance, soil, vineyard upkeep, and everything else. Brie gives Nikki credit, because she actually gets down in the dirt and starts moving rocks and things. She also burns herself on the muffler of an ATV. It isn’t ALL gravy.

And on WWE television, Nattie finally gets booed for beating up Becky! Third time’s the charm! Nattie gives one of her “If I’ve learned anything from this situation” spiels and I sort of just black out, because Nattie ain’t never gonna learn anything c’mon man.

Brie and Nikki lounge by the pool (with wine, of course), and Brie once again brings up the gaping void that consumes her whenever John is away from home. I’m paraphrasing, but only just. Nikki leaves in a huff. There was no time, or she would have left in a minute and a huff.

Brie calls Bryan to share a laugh about how Nikki thinks she’s going to be more successful than John. Bryan is like ” … Uh, that’s cool that she thinks that. Stop being an asshole to your sister.” He makes her go apologize, and makes sure she starts by saying “I was wrong.”

Backstage at a new WWE event, Mark Carrano corners Paige and asks about her neck. Paige says it’s fine, but Carrano says he already knows it’s not fine. She still tries to deny it and downplay it, but Carrano says she’ll be out until they get this fixed. Paige is furious, especially because she’s only told one person. She confronts Eva and calls her a piece of shit, and that she’s always going to be the same. Nattie reveals she’s the one who asked Carrano about Paige’s neck, because none of the women knew it was a secret that she was hurt.

Paige flips out on both of them and storms out. Eva Marie didn’t say a thing, but Nattie and everyone else could tell she was hurt because she was very visibly moving hurt for the past week. Nattie astutely (twice per season!) points out that Paige shouldn’t be the one who’s angry, because it’s stupid to work hurt. Yeah!

Brie goes to apologize to Nikki, who already has her defenses up. Brie finally gets a chance to apologize and tells her she admires her. Nikki accepts her apology and says she’s going to eventually teach her to be an entrepreneur herself. She says there’s only one more thing to do to seal the apology: rub her feet.

E!

Next week: Bryan gets a call from WWE, and Paige finds out her neck injury might be some serious business.