He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose. ~ Jim Elliot

Monday, February 13, 2012

Courage

This is where I am going this summer, Lord willing. We had a team from our church go to Haiti last year in June and Underdog went in August with another church. So the plan was for him to take Jennabear with him. I would go if the funds were there. That, well, um, changed. And I can only thank one of the coordinators for the team this year, Jason. (Ok, so maybe I should give more credit to the Holy Spirit but I am not yet happy about this change so I am holding back my thankfulness at this point. :)

Underdog was telling Jason that we may not be able to go this year because we're really trying to get some of our financial house in order. We're taking Financial Peace University right now. If you've ever taken this course, you know the upheaval it can have in your home. "Hard" is not enough of a word to even describe the adventure that Dave Ramsey will take you on. I highly recommend it.

Anyhoo. Jason mentioned that this might be a great opportunity for us to do some fund raising. Great idea!!! I have blocked part of this conversation out because I am still mad at Jason. (Ha!!) He mentioned at some point in this conversation that it might be a great idea for us to do the fund raising but that maybe I should just go by myself if the funds weren't there. I am sure it didn't go exactly like that but that was what I heard. As I mentioned, I blocked a good portion.

I was NOT HAPPY. In fact, my only emotion at the time was terrified. Underdog has always been my protector. I go everywhere with him. He even told me that he wanted to go to Haiti first and then take me back so that he could help me work through some of the things I was going to experience. He felt at the time it would be hard for my sensitive spirit. Although Jason was simply giving a suggestion, I knew where this was going. . .and Underdog was probably not going to be with me.

I was up very early this morning giving a child a breathing treatment. (We've got RSV. Oh goodie!!) After put her back to bed, I decided to stay up and pray. The Spirit is working in other areas of my heart regarding the idols that I have built up in there. I do have another post about that at another time. I realized, though, that over the years I had turned Underdog into an idol. I was horrible about this in the beginning of our relationship. Why he ever married me I will knew understand? I am so thankful for the grace that God has poured on me to change me. I am not the same woman I used to be in college and early marriage. But there are still areas where I am rely WAY too heavily on Underdog to lead me. He should lead me. He's my head. BUT, I must also learn that the Father is my comfort and Underdog is not. He is the One that walks me through the shadow of the valley of death and Underdog will not. He is the One that pulls me out of the pit and upholds me with His righteous right hand, not Underdog.

I am camped out in Isaiah right now in my Bible study and this verse is so fitting to the lesson that the Spirit is teaching me right now.

fear not, for I am with you;

be not dismayed, for I am your God;

I will strengthen you, I will help you,

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

(Isaiah 41:10 ESV)

The lessons I have been learning over the past several months are simply that I cannot pull myself out of the pit that my sin has led me to. I need a Savior even now. I needed Him the moment He first drew me to Him. And I need Him now. The gospel didn't end the moment I prayed that prayer. The gospel just moved to becoming central to my life. I cannot save myself. Period. I sin daily. I daily need the reminder of the sacrifice He made for me. It is He who saves me. And there must be brokenness involved in that realization. Until we are all broken, we will never know the Truth regardless of how "saved" we are. God can't work in people who aren't humble before Him. I don't want to be like that.

My trip to Haiti will be another level of experiencing this grace. It will be all about Him bringing me out of the pit and into living life FOR HIM. I am scared to death of going to Haiti by myself. Even more, my oldest daughter will be going with me if we can raise the funds. Dad might get to go. I suspect he's not going to work too hard to get there though. He knows as well as I do that God is in this plan. He knows that I have something to learn on this trip. But the learning starts now. I can already feel myself looking for excuses not to go. Like my newest one: Sunshine apparently has issues with mommy leaving for long periods of time. The next day after I am gone, she has accidents all day. The psycho-therapist in me has already boiled it down to the drastic cold turkey weaning I had to do with her when she was 10 mos old. I guess it's time to stop watching Dr. Phil.

I feel like I have just stepped on to a train. I am headed on a wild adventure. I don't leave for Haiti for 4 more months. But it's started. The wrestling has begun. I will lose this battle. I don't mind. I believe that it's going to grow me closer to my Savior. But apparently my sinful little heart isn't ready to go without a fight. Praise God for the grace to cover even that.