The right way to tell someone you have an STI

It's not the most comfortable of conversations, but if you've been given a positive result from a sexual health check, you'll need to tell any sexual partners — past, present, and future, so they can go and get themselves tested. It's natural to feel worried, but ultimately it's a chat you need to have. Paul Casey, Head of Programmes and Training at the sexual health charity Family Planning Association's (FPA) shares his insights into making it go as smoothly as possible.

Step 1: Get on top of your own health

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If your STI tests come back positive, the first thing you should do is to get yourself treated. Luckily most STIs are treatable, and it's best that treatment is started ASAP. For those infections that stay in your body (HIV, genital warts), there is medication available to reduce the symptoms and help you manage the condition. Starting treatment will help you feel calmer and more in control of the situation, which will only help when you go to break the news.

Step 2: Be prepared to offer information

Before you tell someone that they might have an STI, inform yourself about the infection: know the symptoms, and how it is transmitted and any treatment options. The person is likely to press you for information and it's good to have some knowledge so you can reassure them, says Paul.

"If you're happy to say what clinic you went to and what your experience was like, give those details. But have ready some clinical testing details so the person knows they're not just left on their own with this news."

Step 3: Try to make it as personal as possible

Broadly speaking if you have a long-term partner it is good to tell them face-to-face. With someone who isn't a regular partner or someone you've had one-off contact with, Paul suggests that you telephone them because if you don't know them that well, you can't be sure how they will react. If things go a wrong, you'll be able to end the telephone conversation and keep yourself safe.

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"My personal view is that texting isn't a good idea because partly it's easier to gauge someone's reaction face-to-face. And also if you text someone they are highly likely to just call you anyway. I work at a sexual health clinic once a week, and when patients ask me, I tend to recommend a face-to-face option for a regular partner or a telephone conversation. Clearly if people can't do either of these, then texting is better than nothing."

Step 4: Pick the right moment

Choose a time to tell them when you're calm and feel in control. And try to tell them when they are likely to feel the same, says Paul.

"If know your partner and how they are, you'll be able to choose a good moment to do this."

Step 5: Be direct

It's understandable that the other person may automatically start blaming you, but try not to get into a blaming conversation about who gave whom the infection, partly because it's hard to know where the original infection came from, says Paul.

"It could actually be there person you're talking to who was the original source of the infection so better to concentrate on, 'The reason I'm telling you this is I want to make sure you're going to be okay and I want you to get tested and treated if that need be'."

Try and stay as calm as possible and focus on the main details of them getting tested.

Step 6: Follow up

If you have a relationship with the person or they're your regular partner, it's good to ask them if they went to get checked.

"It can be a bit tricky in a relationship when something like this happens, so just to maintain the relationship it's good to keep the conversation going."

For a casual partner, they may not want speak to you again. But as long as you've got the news through to them, you've done your part.

Step 7: If you can't do face-to-face, call or text…

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If, for whatever reason, you're reluctant to tell them yourself, many clinics have a sexual health advisor who can do it for you. There is an option for the clinic to do it anonymously without mentioning you.

"If that's what you want to do, the clinic will generally contact that person by phone or by text saying, 'We have information to say that you've been in contact with someone and you need to make an appointment to come and get a check up'."

The clinic won't give information about the infection, they just simply let the person know they need to come in and get checked out. Some clinics are signed up to a text or email-based partner notification whereby an anonymous text or email can be sent to that person. Paul says,

"You can log into a website and provide details of partners, then messages are sent anonymously by email or text."

Karen GordonKaren is a freelance journalist and covers everything from news, wellness, health, sex, relationships and nutrition on a daily basis.

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