Do you think children should be spanked because of bathroom accidents?

Emilie - posted on 04/02/2010
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My daughter is 3 1/2 years old. She has been potty trained for about 8 months now during the day. She still wets at night almost every night and still has ocasional accidents during the day, about once a week maybe. She is very scared when she wets. She will not tell me sometimes and I will go to check on her in her room or wherever she might be and her pants is wet. She will lie about it and say she didn't do it. When she wakes up in the morning and her pull up is wet she goes to the bathroom and takes it off her self then goes back to bed without telling me to get her another pull up. She always seems so scared. I am not mad at her, I just want to know so I can take care of her. I asked her father about how it is at his house and he says he spanks her when she wets in the day or at night. That makes me angry. He thinks If I spank her she will stop having accidents. I don't want him to spank her it is just making her scared. I told him not to spank her but he won't listen. We did spank out first child, but that was before I knew anything about parenting. The thing is, Is that my son did not wet the bed at her age and he was not having daytime accidents either, So my ex thinks that since it worked with our son that it will work with her also.

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Kitty - posted on 04/07/2010

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'Spanking' for whatever reason is wrong. No wonder she has accidents, the poor little thing is obviously terrified of her father. He needs to be reminded that this is assault. I can't believe in this day and age people still think violence is the way to get children to conform. She needs praise when she stays dry and comfort when she has an accident.

She doesn't haven't control over this at night time. Some kids go up to 12 or 13 years wetting the bed at night. THERE IS NOTHING ANYONE CAN DO. Their bodies mature, when they mature and not a minute sooner.

I wouldn't even let my husband yell at my son when he had this issue. He's 14 yrs old now, and even back then in the damn dark ages I KNEW BETTER.

If I had found out my husband was spanking him for those accidents I would have run him over with my car.

Your poor daughter! I read in one of the other mom's posts that if your daughter's father is spanking her for accidents and you have asked him to stop, that you should seek legal advice. I FULLY agree. If I found out that my daughter's father was spanking her for anything, let alone an accident, he would lose visitation so fast his head would spin. Like a lot of the other moms said, you two need to be consistent and on the same page. Children need consistency and with a split custody / visitation system in place, it can be difficult. My daughter was three in February so I totally know what you are going through with not always knowing what happens at daddy's place but she is old enough to tell you so just ask her! Let her tell you how she feels when it happens and go through it with her as often as you need to to let her know that you understand it is hard for her to remember to use the toilet sometimes but that no one will get mad at her for having an accident. If her father continues to spank her for something she cannot control, definitely this is abuse of a sort and needs to be dealt with a little more seriously than just you begging him to stop. Child Services can give you advice and help guide you through the process and then if that doesn't help, you can file a formal report. Do what you need to do to keep your daughter healthy mentally because right now, he is damaging her mentally by trying to "scare" her into doing the right thing with potty training.Be strong and firm with him. You have every right to take away his rights if he cannot stop doing this.

Absolutely not!! A 3 1/2 year old child cannot control her bladder and bowel fully yet. Your ex is going to cause great harm to her psychologically by doing such a thing. If you cannot get cooperation out of him, I would seek to have an order put in place in your custody agreement for supervised visits only. Spanking is harmful to children and does no good whatsoever. Please take action on this matter and do not let him get away with traumatizing your little ones.

deffinatly do not spank when she wets herself, its a accident when she does (shes probably very involved in what shes doing to realise that she need to go to the toilet).

i am toilet training my 37month old boy at the moment and it seems to be going great, but when he does have an accident i tell him "its not a big deal and that hes still learning when he really needs to use the toilet and i change his undies and pant straight away.

i think that you need to have a honest chat with your ex, coz whats hes doing by spanking her when she does wet its letting her know that hes angry/upset with her. another thing may be to have she stay at home with you untill shes fully toilet trained say no accidents for 2weeks and not go to her dads.

Spanking is not okay for that!! I have an early childhood degree and you can tell her father that he can be reported to DCFS for that type of discipline. That will only make her hide her accidents more which will mess up her potty training even more! One thing to try is to make her to the majority of clean up of her accidents as much as possible. It won't be fun for either of you but she may also get the point. I wish you the best of luck!

If I were you I would first before anything else consult with my childs doctor. There could be a medical reason for your daughter having accidents. Each child is diffrent so what worked for your son may not work with your daughter. Personally I don't think a child should be punished for an accident. I feel that could cause your child to feel anxious about telling an adult that she needs use the restroom, and afraid when she already has. I would first start with contacting your doctors office and making an appointment for your daughter.

I disagree with the way he's going about it, while she may be potty trained they're still going to have accidents until she gets the hang of it. Spanking them is not going to work and maybe she's also nervous b/c she's anticipating being spanked. Every child is different and maybe your son is more resilient and just got used to be spanked doesn't necessarily mean that it worked. I would have kicked my husband *** if I found out he was spanking our son b/c of a potty accident, just b/c he's the father doesn't excuse his behavior or as another poster said I would pursue it further if he continues to spank your daughter

She may have a bladder issue. I do not think that spanking will cause anything to be fixed except for her to be scared. Honesty and openess in parenting is important especially in todays world. I would highy reccomend taking her to the doctor because it is not real normal but it could be a nervous reaction as well. My daughter displays her emotions through using the bathroom, not accidents but going a lot. If he won't stop spanking her maybe you need to see what you can do about that because it sounds like an emotional mess for your poor little girl! God bless!

Spanking should not be a part of potty training. That is wny it is called training...no child if perfect out of the gate and we can't discipline for something they can't control. Her father is definatley making it worse by spanking her...continue to reassure her that it is an accident and you are not mad at her.

Never Spank your kid for something they cant help. All children are diffrent she may wet the bed until she is 12+ just use pullups and possitive reinforcment when she doesnt wet. In the U.S., about 5 to 7 million children aged 6 years or older suffer from primary nocturnal enuresis other wise know as night time wetting. Alan Greene, MD, an assistant clinical professor of pediatrics at Stanford University in Stanford, Calif, says: "Many parents feel like it's their fault or their kids fault or that their kid is lazy and children often feel very guilty and ashamed and what this leads to is punishment and that only makes bed-wetting worse".

Absolutely not! Accidents are just that. There are often reasons that they occur. My son had the same issues. Sometimes it's a sensory issue that they can't feel it right or not prominently enough. My son is 9 and still can't get through the night. He doesn't wake up. If I were to wake him up in the middle of the night he might stay dry, but then we are dealing with disturbed sleep for both you and them which causes other problems. They are humiliated and embarrassed just so. I don't think they do it on purpose. Why would they? So treat is as the immature development in that area. Their body just isn't ready. The less stink you make, the easier it is for them. Encourage them to try, but don't fuss when it happens. Have a place to put the wet stuff and have them help, and encourage them that it won't stay that way forever, that their body just isn't ready yet. You have late teeth, late talkers, late walkers, why not late potty trainers. My son did great on vacation when he was that age, but when home he couldn't. The question to ask, is the child potty trained or the parent. Most of the time it's the parent. The parent makes sure they go at different intervals, that helps with accidents. I don't believe there is any child that does it completely (never having to be told) by themselves until they are older. Hope this helps.

Also, you can try getting some informative pamphlets and give them to him; maybe his heart is int he right place (trying to be generous here) and his actions are based on ignorance rather than indiffrence. perhaps a little education is in order!

Absolutely not! My daughter is almost 8, has been potty trained since 3, and still wets the bed at night. she has NEVER had an accident while awake, and only wets at night, never a BM. spanking for bodily functions which they probably can't control just instills fear (why she won't tell you and lies about it). Every child is different. I know ppl who had to really push potty training just so the kid could go to kindergarten! Perhaps your daughter has an underdevoloped bladder, which I've learned many children do. My daughter is such a sound sleeper I can't even waker her up in the middle of the night to try putting her on the potty. If it's that much of a concern discuss it with your pediatrician the next time you are there; make Mr. Dad come along with you, so he can hear what the professionals have to say. My pediatrician said he had a patient who still wet the bed until he was 17, and 2 were 16, but most outgrow it way before that! good luck, hang in there, and keep stressing to your girl that it's ok, she's not n trouble with you, you understand, and most of all, you love her just the same!

I think the spanking is causing a problem. Being scared of making a mistake with the potty will most likley make her have more mistakes. i agree with the person who said to get him to try it your way..although i would add an extra couple months to it..not just 1 but liek 4...she'll need time to realize and understand that she won't be introuble for accidents.

My daughter is doing super well with her potty training. She's 15 months now. We do the reward system. we found a candy that we normally don't let her have and every time she goes pee she gets half of one and poop she gets a whole one and we go over ridiculous and look insane by twirling her around and clapping and getting excited for her. Also whenevre you can take her into teh bathroom with you and be weird and tell her that your a big girl and go potty on the toilet. (its pretty embaressing yes, but my daughter started really wnating to try after a few weks of taht and embaressingly enough claps her hands for me whenevri get out of teh restroom. -.-)

for accidents me and my husband will wrinkle our noses and tell her ew yucky and just clean it up while allowing ourselves to show that it smells bad.

Spanking works good on somethings, but positive reinforcement shows to help alot with potty training. For potty training a child needs to have the desire to wnat to try for good reasons. :) So do rewards. Wheather its stickers or candies or a chart where if they have so many sucesses they get the prize (the chart usaully done when your weening them off of gettinga treat everytime)

Make her excited for potty time. If you make it fun and exciting she should really get into it. and for bed time accidents don't make a big dela tehy happen for a while. just wrinkle your nose clean it up. maybe keep potty panst somehwere excessible to her. theres no need to force embaressment on her..she'll know she own't get a prize unless it goes inside the potty. To help with the nighttime accidents my mother said to limit juice and drink for a few hours before bed if you can. atleast 1 and then have them go potty right before bed and right after they wake up. if theres not alot to expel it'll be easier for them to hold it and notice the need to go at night. Also try giving extra prize for waking up dry....its a hard thing for thgem to do and they'll wanna do it more with extra encouragment.

Goodluck. I hope her daddy backs down on teh spankings. Children learn diffrently and its obvious that spanking isn't working for her,

having accidents is something she cant really control and spanking wont help either its actually going to hurt the progress because like you already pointed out shes afraid to come to you and tell you shes had an accident. Every child is different and you cant compare the two...thats what Ive have always been told. I know someone who has a 5 yr old and a 3 yr old both who still have accidents and they are scared to tell. They will hide their underwear under their bed or sit in wet pants and try to hide it because they are afraid of getting into trouble. Their situation got this way because of emotional issues with their parents getting divorced a year ago and it set them back. I think people tend to forget sometimes and kids have emotional upsets and stress and anxiety just the same as adults. I would sit down and have a nice talk with your daughter and ask her what makes her upset and happy and maybe there is a bigger issue beneath her accidents before it gets any worse. :)

I have a 4 year old, a 3.5 year old and a 11 month old. My oldest was very easy to potty train and was trained even at night by 2.5. My 3 year old boy however is another story. He is too busy to stop and go. We do spank him if he blatently has an accident. If he tried to make it, then we excuse the accident. If he stands in front of my couch and pees on the couch you better beleive i wop his rear-end. Today my father, who is on cancer pills, watched them and he had no accidents, When i came home i made him go and he was so proud he did both on the portty! He said "Mommy i get candy not spankings!" and he had no accidents the entire day.

That is so disgusting the poor child its totally wrong to spank children all it teaches them is fear, your child is a human being just like you and learns in a humane way not an inhumane way, each parent is different i get that i personally dont agree with hurting a child to make it learn something, if it can be done when your children why does it not happen when your an adult you dont see people in the streets hitting eachother because they have done something wrong no you dont because its thr wrong way to teach simple, you need to get advice from a lawyer to stop your husband from doing this.

I do not think spanking will fix the problem but making it worse. All babies have their own learning process. Patients and communication is the key to everything, babies do understand when spoken with big words and examples. Spanking = to physical abused.

I write this from my personnel experience ...fear or being scared, loud voice, being scared to sleep alone in her room are some of the causes for kids to wet their beds. the important factor here us to see is why does she do it what is upsetting her the most. sometimes excessive water drinking before going to bed can also effect bed wetting.use your motherly instincts and do not allow any one to spank the child they are very innocent and can never understand and remember what works for one child can never work for the other so pl talk to your child and tell her no harm will come to her and you love her very much. She needs you love, affection and assurance that all will be well

In my experience on potty training if you stop giving them something to drink an hour before bedtime they wake up dry. I don't think spanking is the answer for accidents don't get me wrong i believe kids need spankings sometimes but not potty training. I found having them wash there own underwear in the sink when they had an accident was very effeective for my children they didnt like it so it encouraged them to go potty so they didnt have to wash them

First and foremost, men don't know how to potty train children because the don't want to be bothered unless they're a single parent and don't have a choice. My two year old is potty trained 95% (will wet the bed if I don't control what he drinks before bedtime). Pull-ups are a waste of money I feel because it makes them lazy and they treat it as a pamper. I tried it with my son he he won't tell majority of the time when he wants to use the bathroom so I got him briefs and now he feels like a big kid like his nine year old and seven year old brothers. Two hours before bedtime he can't have anything to drink and I'll explain it's because he'll make the bed stinky and he'll laugh! With my girls, whenever I went to use the toilet I sat them on their potty in the bathroom with me and it worked. It's also easier to train kids when they have siblings of the same gender. With potty training it has to a fun time to make them confortable and want to do it on their own. With my son, we do a race to see who'll reach first (I let him win of course) or if I don't think he'll make it, I'll lift him like an airplane and run with the wind and come in for a landing in the bathroom (cracks him up everytime). Now he doesn't even want me in the bathroom with him, I have to wait outside the door (with door jared of course).

NO CHILD SHOULD BE SPANKED BECAUSE OF A POTTY ACCIDENT.POOR KIDS ARE TRYING.THEY ARE BOUND TO MESS UP A FEW TIMES IF NOT MORE.SOON THEY WILL GET IT ALL UNDER CONTROL.aND BESIDES IF THEY DO GET SPANKED..THAT WILL MAKE THEM FEEL AWFUL..

I really dont think spanking your child is the answer cos this is prob whats making her more scared if you let her get on with it she will soon learn how to use the potty every time she needs to go a toilet.. i think this is obvisously making her worse there are othere forms of discipline to use such as the naughty step or take away fav toy for 10 mins

i work in childcare and spanking your child is something you shouldnt do when it comes to toilet trainning. emcouragement is the key.special stamp always does the trick with us at work. just remember every child is different and will learn at their own pace, patience is the key. it will happen one day

Maybe try rewarding her for not wetting herself? Spanking never helps any situation and is not good for a child regardless of the circumstance. It only instills fear. She will continue to hide her accidents as long as she thinks she will get spanked for it. She may begin to hide other things if she thinks it will get her into trouble.

I'm not going through the potty training stage yet so I don't have much experience with it, but I don't think spanking will work at all and I agree, it's what's scaring her! I don't think spanking works with anything, really. My friend wakes her son up in the middle of the night and makes him go to the bathroom, it seems to work, sometimes she's too late, but more often it works! Maybe you can try that...but please don't spank your baby, I think it only teaches her to hit.

Spanking her isnt ganna work. At night give her something to drink15mins before bed make sure she uses the bathroom before shes put to bed. During the day time it out to see how long after she has a drink she wets. Its ganna take a few days. I hope this helps I did this with my boys and it worked.

That's mean that he spanks her. Of course she will be scared. My son has just turned 5 and only in the last month has he been dry at night. My son had accidents during the day this is only part of the process. Girls and Boys are different I think having 2 girls and a boy. he needs to stop spanking her otherwise you could be in for a lot of problems there with her. Its just a timing thing. Hope things improve with your ex, good luck.

Absolutely not...I did not spank any of mine for potty accidents...Instead I did the reward system...my boys wet the bed at night for YEARS .lol....or at least it seemed that way at the time...all kids are different and learn different...so try different methods and make sure you keep positive reinforcement handy. And tell your X to keep his hands to himself. Good luck and god bless

It's also important 2 let your toddler wash out his or her own soiled undies a time or 2 with assistance of course.....breaks 'em EVERY time.....work with a nephew of mine, and several others.....they have 2 be made 2 see the responsibility involved in growing up.....& seldom do people like to smell pee or poo, but cleaning it just isn't fun.....don't knock it til you've tried this......trust me....it really works......usually a few days....a entire wknd for some.....but it's positive & no one gets hurt. Suggestion: A small plastic was tub...i.e....baby baths; etc...just help them dump out their poo in the toilet and prepare the small tub & observe....assist, but don't do it for them.....they can do it, but it gets old.......FAST....they quickly want to go potty! LOL!

Spanking for toileting accidents only creates fear, causes nervousness, and sets up horrible emotional issues; frankly these type of method is ABUSE! Spanking isn't the answer....frustation leads to spanking, but patience & positivity & consistency leads to success with potty training success....coming from experience twice....my 1st born son was trained the wknd he turned 2.....w/some accidents off and on, but I never spanked him & he had fewer and fewer to zero accidents....my 2nd born daughter started showing signs by 15 months, & was successfully trained by 18 mos.....no accidents.....til this day....still no spanking! Being the caregiver of many....neices, nephews; etc....There's all sorts of reward methods: stickers, homemade coupons for extra privileges; etc......lots of love....hugs...but SPANKING isn't a good reward....EVER!!!! Give positive rewards to send positive messages!

No, spanking and getting angry for potty accidents just causes more stress on them and results in more accidents.You just tell them its okay thats why it's called an Accident. And, try to remind them to go potty more often and right before bed.. If it continues then there might be other things going on that are causing stress for them. but, your best bet is to reassure them that it is okay and mkove on. Making a big deal about them not having an accident ( praise and reward) will go further and achieve more than punishment

I think that they should not be spanked all kids learn at different rates my daughter took a while longer then my lil brother and they are a month apart ...My brother was 2 n a couple months n was able to go by himself n my daughter took a bit longer yea i got frustrated a times because she didnt tell me but then what i started doing was reminding her u go potty in the toilet n that really seem to work dont yell at them that just scares them even more just be calm and remind them every couple minutes that seem to work for my daughter now she is able to go all by her self shes 3 now but started at 2 yrs in a half around there but i still put pull ups on her when we go out just incase but i still remind her if she needs to go hope it helps good luck..oh yea u should make her pee before going to bed that help but i will still put a night pull up just incase she has an accident :)

well most the most part im not agenst spanking(that last psot i did i talked about it) but i do think when it comes to potty training it will not help. it puts even more stress on the child who cant always controle their blatter. most children dont have full controel of the ir blatter till they are over the age of 6 (becouse the blatter is still growing/diveliping)i remeber talking to a mother i usd to nanny for that her boy ffriend used to spank her sons to get his way(negitivly speaking) and it just made the kids scared and confused. and once when her son wet the bed he spanked him and latter her son told her that he doesnt think "daddy" loves him becouse of wetting him self. and that put a hudge wedge between the two of them(son and her boyfriend) to this day. even tho hes not her bf anymore he still sees him. doesnt spank anymore but there still it a wedge that doesnt seem to be healing at all.

Absolutley not! When my 3 year old still wasnt potty trianed it was beyond frustrating. I feel for you. BUt what I did was when she had an accident I did not say a word to her. Just "did you go poo poo", or "did you go pee pee". When she sadi yes i said "ok lets go change your pants". That was it. the entire time I changed her I did not say another word to her. Within days she stopped going in her pants. the rationale behind it is that they want attention (even negative). Thats what I though was so weird. Why would she want to get scolded or put in time out or get a lecture on why its yucky to poop in her pants. She wants that becasue even though it is negative, it is still attention. So try not giving her any attention when she has an accident.

Poor little kid. Yes, that is great that she is potty trained during the day. Praise her for that. Night is different my 11-yr old and my cousin were in pull ups until they were around 4-almost 5. Every child is different. Ask your ex if she can stay with you until she gets this potty thing down. He might not even want to mess with it. Or ask if she can spend the day with him and nights with you. Let her know it's okay to have accidents. Bedding, clothes, carpets, all can be washed. A child's self worth is much harder to attain when she is punished everytime there is an accident. She is normal 3 & half year old.You may want to schedule an appointment with your daughters doctor. Invite your ex. Your daughter may have bladder issues. (I have a friend that has a 16-year old daughter that still wets the bed due to bladder issues.) Also tell the doctor what are the consequneces are after she wets from both you and your ex. The doctor maybe quite upset about the spanking and tell your ex to stop it. Sometimes when the advice comes from a person with authority a man will snap to.

Hell no!! You do not spank for wetting the bed!!! First of all find the punishment that fits the crime always! Wetting the bed is not a crime!!! Every kid is different. What you need is patience and understanding! Some kids don't potty train till the age of 8 or 9, then what? Some are fine during the day but struggle at night. SOME have smaller bladders and can't hold through the night and SOME sleep so heavy they do not even know they did have an accident. My husband had his own frustration with our child because it took longer than the other to train so I made an appointment with our Pediatric doctor so he would explain it to my husband(the differences) and I am here to tell ya that when he heard it from a doctor his opinion changed. There are a lot of factors with bed wetting, every child is different. You will be surprised at how much info. is out there about bed wetting. This is coming from a mom that has had her own struggles. Worst punishment I gave my child is showing them how to do laundry, yes I had my child stripping the bed and washing their own sheets and one day it was all over and I forgot about the struggles. Stealing is a crime, killing is a crime bed wetting is not! I promise that her worst punishment is the mental disappoinment she has thinking she has let you down and that you won't praise her for having an accident. She wants to be accident free as much as you want her to be. Be Patient please:)

no thats terrible...there could be another reason why she's wetting the bed. i knew someone who's son had to be put on a special pill for bedwetting. his father used to spank him too but he couldnt help it. there was something wrong. it wasnt out of laziness. she's only 3 1/2....my 4 yr old nephew still wears pull ups to bed....their only little still

Some kids get so caught up in what they are doing, they forget to go to the restroom. You might want to start checking on her every few hours and remind her to go. I was a young mom, and I sometimes spanked my kids for that. It doesn't work. Your husband is obviously making her more scared and upset. Checking on her and reminding her. Using postive reward systems. Stopping her from drinking a few hours before she goes to sleep. Also if she is wetting herself at night you might want to consult with a doctor to make sure she isn't having a medical problem. If your husband doesn't want the mess, put her in pull ups, until she outgrows the accidents.

ABSOLUTELY NOT! I don't think that a child should be spanked for having an accident. That may be why she is scared to tell you that she had an accident. My oldest is 6 and once she was potty trained, that was pretty much it. My middle is 3 1/2 also and she still has accidents. She wears a pull up to bed. (We tell her that when she quits wetting the bed at night, then she can wear her "big girl panties" all the time.) When your ex says that your son didn't do it at her age, well of course. They're different people. Always keep in mind in ANY situation that the punishment (or even the reward) for each child is different because they ARE different people. What works for one isn't necessarily going to work for the other.