The Hour Is Nigh: Here Are Pies’ Vast, Velvety And Dangerously Volatile Predictions For 2018 World Cup

With a week to go until the big kick-off, Pies thought we’d wade into the mire armed solely with 10 fully-primed predictions for the 2018 World Cup.

Here you go, see what you make of this rabble…

Winners

We’re tempted by France but despite their obvious talents, Les Bleus are always likely to be hampered by their resolutely negative manager.

The boring pick is one from Brazil, Germany or Spain – and we fancy La Roja to hustle their way to the end, powered solely by Andres Iniesta’s farewell narrative and Sergio Ramos being an absolute cad from minute one.

Uruguay haven’t had the most intensive of warm-ups (one friendly against Uzbekistan) but they’ll almost certainly win Group A at a canter and go from there… up until the semi-finals, maybe…

England’s chances

Valiant second round defeat against Poland or Portugal or the like. Maybe even the quarters if we get lucky – which we won’t.

Probably get cheated out of an important decision, leaving everybody to decry our upright national team’s unwillingness to resort to gamesmanship to get results over the line while Gareth Southgate gets pilloried for being “too nice”.

Lionel Messi always gets hung, drawn and quartered if Argentina bomb and that means there’s real potential for a petulant international retirement if they’re properly woeful.

Also, Paul Pogba is on the verge of a worldwide lambasting after a somewhat indifferent season.

Best dressed

Nigeria’s kit has garnered a lot of praise for being unusually chaotic in an age of international blandness, but every true scholar knows that the nattiest threads belong to Germany, particularly that drop-dead köstlich away kit of theirs.

Peru will be this summer’s Iceland

Yes, Iceland will be there too, but Los Incas are poised to become the folk heroes of the 2018 World Cup as the Nordic invaders were at Euro 2016.

Indeed, almost 20,000 Peruvian fans turned out for their recent friendly against Iceland in Switzerland, which gives you an indication of just how fervently they will be supported in Russia.

The last 4 – if they avoid each other on the way – will be Germany, Brazil, Spain and France. With the reigning champions retaining their crown. The football will be largely two-dimensional as it has increasingly become over the last half dozen or so major international tournaments. Never before has the whiff of indifference been as strong before a World Cup…