(A customer is wanting to look at rings, so I take a few out of the case.)

Customer: “This ring is too big. It’s a size seven.”

Me: “We offer free ring resizing.”

Customer: “That takes a few weeks. I don’t want to wait that long. Show me that ring.”

(I take another ring out of the case.)

Me: “This one is also a size seven.”

Customer: “That’s stupid. Show me that ring.”

(I take another ring out of the case and look at the tag.)

Me: “This one is also a size seven. I believe all the ladies’ rings in our case are a size seven.”

Customer: “That’s really stupid. Why would they do that? Show me that ring.”

(I get another ring out of the case. It is also a size seven. This repeats a few more times.)

Customer: “I have a question. The box says ‘diamond simulant,’ but the tag says ‘cubic zirconia.’ So which is it?”

Me: “Diamond simulant is a generic term that refers to any diamond substitute, while cubic zirconia is the specific kind.”

Customer: “No, they’re different. They’re made differently.”

(I try to explain again.)

Customer: “No, they’re different. So which is it?”

Me: “Diamond simulant is a generic term that refers to all diamond substitutes, while cubic zirconia is the specific type.”

Customer: “Ma’am, you’re not listening to me.”

Me: “YOU’RE not listening to ME!”

Customer: “Look, I don’t want to debate this.”

(At this point, I take a deep breath. I’ve recently been written up a few times, once more and I’m fired, so I’m trying to be on my best behavior.)

Me:*putting on my biggest smile, and my over-friendly voice* “Okay…”

Customer: “You’re wrong.”

(I finish up the rest of the transaction with my fake smile and overly friendly fake voice. I have a degree in geology, and have taken a few gemstone courses. I felt like asking her where she got her degree.)

(I work on the bar of a small restaurant that attracts a lot of upscale clientele. Our selection of wines is large for the size of the business, but we only have eight that we do by the glass (the house wines). A well-dressed gentleman aged around fifty approaches.)

Me: “Good evening, sir.”

Customer: “I’ll have a small glass of Pinot Grigio.”

Me: “I’m sorry; we don’t have a Pinot by the glass. We do have a dry Italian white that is similar, though.”

Customer:*as though I’d slapped him across the face* “What kind of place is this? I’ve never heard of a restaurant not having a house Pinot Grigio. What else do you have?”

Me: “We have the Italian white, which as I said is similar to a Pinot grape, as well as Sauvignon Blanc and Chardonnay.”

Customer: “But you do sell Pinot Grigio?”

Me: “By the bottle, yes. It’s £18.95.”

Customer: “Then I’ll have a small glass of that. How hard is that to understand?”

Me:*losing patience* “We do not sell that particular wine by the glass, sir. If I open the bottle, I am required to charge you for the entire bottle and not just one glass. What I can serve you by the glass is this particular dry white –” *picking up the bottle* “– which is the most similar to a Pinot Grigio we have.”

Customer:*sighs* “Fine, I’ll try that one.”

(I pour him a small glass of the Italian white. He proceeds to aerate the wine as though he is a professional wine taster, before smelling it, sipping it and smiling.)

Customer: “Yes, this is a lovely Pinot Grigio. I’ll take a bottle, please.”

(It’s midnight at the 24-hour-fast food place. A woman and her husband order via the drive thru, apparently unaware I can hear everything they say. I’ve also just cut more than eight inches off my hair, streaked my hair blue, and begun wearing contacts two days prior and not even my coworkers recognized me when I clocked in.)

Customer: “There’s no one here! We should come this late more often!”

Man: “I want cherry pies and last time the dumb b**** at the counter told me they were discontinued.”

Customer: “Well, I’ll just ask for some, then.” *into the speaker* “We want two cherry pies with the order.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but the cherry pies have been discontinued.”

Man: “GOD-D*** IT!”

(They pull around to my window to pay. The woman just grins at me.)

Customer: “Well, you know what they say about husbands! I can’t believe how empty it is right now. I’ve never been here past six or so before.”

Me: “Ha, yeah, it’s pretty dead around this time. Your total is [total].”

Customer: “Honestly, I don’t understand why you got rid of those pies. They were the best thing here.”

Me:*cheerfully* “They actually didn’t sell very well. We were throwing away more than we were selling, so corporate pulled them. Would you like to try our new strawberry pie? It’s pretty good.”

(Immediately, the woman stops smiling and scowls at me.)

Customer: “That attitude is exactly why I hate coming here. You know, I remember you from last time I was here and you had a nasty attitude then, too. This is why teenagers should learn some respect for their elders! Now give me my change. I want to recount it and make sure you didn’t pocket any of it.”

Me: “Well, first off, you can’t have remembered me since you said twice that it’s your first time here past dinner time and I only work third shift. Meaning I don’t come in until ten pm.”

Customer: “Well—”

Me: “Second: I’m twenty-two and have been nothing but polite to you this entire time even after I heard your husband call one of my coworkers a dumb b**** for no reason.”

Customer: “I—”

Me: “And finally, your total was [total], meaning your change is $2.37. One dollar, two dollars, twenty five, thirty five, six, and seven. Here you go, have a nice night, and try to remember to respect the people who handle your food.” *slams window shut*