Manage expectations before they manage you. Set realistic expectations and exceed them.

Leverage sweet spots.

Align your strength with their need, then trust yourself. Take coaching, for example. Curiosity is my sweet spot. Clients discover insights because I trust my curiosity. Do what you do best, most of the time.

Success is always about pleasing people. Healthy people-pleasers use knowledge of themselves and those they serve to build pleasing relationships and environments.

I would far rather be told a hard truth than what I want to hear- but is not so. This just isn’t one we can win right now- is a far more respectful response than – of course it will happen the way we want. Explaining to people how we can work toward our goals in realistic chunks- or what is win-able and why/how truly pleases in the long run because we can be trusted to tell the truth.
Thank you so much for this forum- very helpful Dan!

Thank you for your insights. There is so much good in “This just isn’t one we can win right now.” For example, it’s not a permanent, dead end. It leaves the door open. (assuming it should be left open)

Dear Dan,
I agree with you, however I believe that people pleaser succeed in short run and get many things that they want. This short term success turns into pleasing habit and they land up doing that throughout their career. I have seen people doing that and not getting out of that cycle. I agree with you that trying to please everything is pleasing none. And this is sure way to fail. When people pleasing becomes addictive habits, it becomes difficult to get out. I think, pleasing in healthy way is effective appreciation and pleasing without being felt pleased.
I believe occasional pleasing is a good exercise, as long as it does not affect belief, values and character. Pleasing is also good, as long as it does not harm anyone. But when it affects someone, when it creates repulsive environment, then it becomes potentially destructive. Leaders have great say in instiling such behaviours. I strongly believe that pleasing practices prevail because leaders want it, like it and believ it.

I had a very insecure leader who surrounded himself with flatterers. This did not create a dynamic work environment as everyone feared being in disagreement. Fear was a prevailing emotion and those who rose in the organization were yes people. We have a new leader and there is a major shake up afoot.

People pleasers need to surround themselves with other people pleasers. I think they feed off each other… I hadn’t thought of the fear culture that builds up around people pleasers but it’s true. In “top-down” cultures the need to please the boss often creates paralyzing fear in all the underlings.

My first thought of list of folks to be pleased from the thought fairy between my ears was shorter than yours: ALL!!!!

Now there is a lofty goal!!!! You give that much just imagine the return!!!

On a practical level I am much more a giver and when done it feels great!

I have discovered over time one thing more than any other…..the art of receiving.

It is actually a form of pleasing….allowing another person to contribute to you or what you are working on together.

I recently started emailing some of the folks I am getting business from. I am verbal and longwinded but I put almost nothing
In it from me. I do have one of my guys write in it each week so it is our email going out. Giving him a chance to give his part.

I have been so busy trying to cram what I want to give I ignore the person I am trying to give something to.

Cooperation always sweetens the pot. But it goes overboard when you stop making decisions that are yours and start making decisions based on what others think, or what you think others think.

Responsible leaders encourage input. And wisdom lies in the midst of many views. However, in the end, the responsibility of decisions lie with leaders. I want you to be pleased to work with me and pleased with your results. And my goals are to create a positive environment within which to work and thrive, for me, for everyone on my team. I cannot however be concerned with whether you are pleased with me (or what you project onto me) all the time or not.

The diffculty for me is not realizing that a people pleaser is actually practicing a form of manipulation (which I fall for). I now believe these people are not pleasers, but simply users. Just a thought.

Great stuff, Dan. Really like the one about “no” with clarity. I would add “focus on the business imperatives.” Often, I see people- pleasers lose their way because they aren’t passing the decisions they encounter every day through the ‘what are we here to do’ filter. Another way to say it is, “How is what I’m doing, or about to do, benefiting our clients and our organization?” That simple question can help add clarity and insure that more people ARE pleased.

For me it’s a battle of disappointing people, and the fact that I love helping others, and I’m not always comfortable with confrontation. This is something I continually see that I need work on, and something that I try continually to improve upon. No is very powerful word, but it doesn’t always come out. I’m trying to be disciplined with commitments.