The OS Model

Michael has always had a problem controlling how he talks to Jan on the phone while at work.

When he calls her, he’ll begin the conversation by saying “It’s me.”

Except it actually sounds like this: “Itch Schmee.” In the most gross out goo-goo ga-ga voice you’ve ever heard, which works it’s way into the entire conversation.

I’m not sure I can spell the cooing he’ll do when she tells him she’s having a rough day. But I’ll try.

“Awwwww-aaboochi-boochi-boobooboo.”

Say that out loud. Go ahead.

Now imagine having to hear your boss making that noise at his desk. And then having to take him seriously when he approaches you with an assignment five minutes later.

Now I’ve put up with that for years. Jim and I can’t even look at each other when Michael is on the phone with Jan because we’ll absolutely lose it.

He and Creed and I get a good laugh out of it later when Michael isn’t around. He knows we can hear him, right? Does he really not see a huge difference between how he talks to Jan and how we talk to our significant others?

But recently, he crossed the line.

A transcript (written in Michael Scott baby-talk dialect)

“Hewow”

“How are youuuu?”

“Did you get to wook it up?”

“Was it the gold wun?”

“Wazsh it the OS model?”

(in a loud nonwhisper whisper) “The oral sex model?”

“Yesh I know I’m soooo byaaaad. hehehehe”

…

OK. I’ve kept quiet as Michael asked Jan if she had a nappie and how her bubble bathy was.

But this was getting out of control. I was going to lose my mind if I had to endure this any longer.

(to be continued)

P.S. That night I figured out what Jan and Michael’s conversation was actually about. I’ll let you guys take a crack at it. What’s your best guess?

Happy April Fool’s Day, everyone! Not that this is a joke. I sooooo wish I were joking.