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Well since I spent about twelve hours posting a blog the other day, my first post is just gonna be a link to that! I spend way too much time online, so I might as well kill two birds with one stone here and utilize the web in this way. This particular post talks about my first half of the year as well as finding out I am pregnant. It's a lot of photos!

Total utter depression, Gender Rant and True Feelings that practically get political (please do not read if you are sensitive to such things- I am pretty harsh here)

Well here I sit, July 24th, on the morning of my new version of life.

All my life, at least the past 15 years, I couldn't help but picture my possible future sometimes. Before I met Art, before marriage, before everything I have now. And I always pictured a long-cheeked beautiful baby girl. I pictured me out with her in a stroller, how she would look unique, how her name would be something like Clementine or Josephine or Evangeline, one of the names ending in "ine". I never liked the thought of raising a girly flowerly girl, but a sensible, empowered, STRONG girl. A girl who could tell boys to "shove off". A girl who would be impossibly strong-willed and smart, kind of like Anne of Green Gables or something. It wasn't the typical girl dream that other women have, cause I don't care much about fancy hairdos or earrings or clothing or decorating a bedroom, it was just a smart-powerful little girl dream.

And now that dream is over. Or at least I am processing it to be. I don't have it in me to try for another and be the mom of possibly TWO boys at age 40.

After my gender reveal appointment yesterday I came home and played and replayed the DVD they gave me. Tho the potty shot they got was brief, to me it's clear as a bell. The lady told me 80-90% sure and I'm going back to confirm on the 13th, but I know what I see. It's a boy.

After the appointment I still felt semi-calm. A little disappointed, but semi-calm. Maybe it's because I was clinging to the 10% chance that it still could be a girl. But after four hours up on the computer, researching "turtle heads", "potty shots" and 15 week boy & girl ultrasound photos I realized my fate. I'm probably for sure having a boy.
Then I made it to my bed like a big lump and laid there. I stared at the wall for 15 minutes and my husband sat down near me. That's when the tears began.

When the tears began I could not get them to stop. So many words and images and dreams were falling out of my sobbing mouth I don't think even my husband was understanding all the sadnesses i was speaking of. I felt that this baby is no longer mine, now it will be his baby. His friends will all pat his back and some of his friends will wish that THEIR wife had given them a boy and think he is lucky. People KNOW I have wanted a girl, I have spoken of my gender wants for years and only since I got pregnant did I try to keep my mouth shut. But anyone who knows me knows I'm one of the my riled up people in the world about not wanting a boy. They know I like female empowerment, I am a feminist, I have spent my life writing music about overcoming patriarchy in the ways of the world, both literal and figurative, in reality and mythology. I grew up Mormon and was not fond of how women seemed to have the second say in everything, how the husband has to speak the woman's "secret name" and is the only one who can grant her permission into heaven. I am not fond of patriarchy or even SLIGHTLY controlling men. I have struggled with it all my life. And luckily I found an awesome husband who is not controlling in any way. Sure, he's grumpy in the mornings, but I bear with that when I have to despite it bugging the heck out of me.

And then the image of kicking my mom came into my head. So that I could beat her to her smirking face saying "I knew it! I told you so". I feel so much anger to her, for she's the reason I'm not that fond of boys in the first place. She's the reason I long so deeply for a mother daughter relationship that is healthy, because I've never had one. After telling me what a horrible newborn I was, how she wept and wept because I wasn't happy and lost weight after I was born, she has regaled me with her stories of being beaten up by her step father and how much she hated sex with my dad since I was tiny. I mean, she literally told me that at 9 years old, how sex was a chore and disgusting. She had a much worse childhood than I did. But she instilled in me a dislike for the opposite sex that borders on Valerie Solanas-esque.

None of these feelings were apparent to me pre-ultrasound. I didn't know I harbored this much distaste for men. For their slobbiness, their bad moods, the fact that they CONSTANTLY NEED a woman to harp on them in order to do anything decent in the world, the fact that they have little access to expressing their own emotions, for their inherent ability to do things the easy way and constantly try to short-cut past actual hard work that creates things that are long lasting. I only a know a FEW men in the world who aren't like this.

And yet in the midst of all my crazy sad tears and man-loathing all I wanted was to talk to my Dad. I feel like I need an actual psychologist. Suddenly all my goals for the next 6 months don't even matter. I wonder why I even got pregnant in the first place. I think about ALMOST EVERY SINGLE MOTIVATING PARENT OR FAMILY that prompted me to break my "childfree" spell and THEY ALL HAVE DAUGHTERS.

Men have always scared me. I have a problem with them, if that hasn't already been made extremely clear. And now I HAVE TO RAISE ONE???????????? Oh my God I am so out of my league what was I thinking? Why did I ONLY imagine a girl, have night-dreams of a girl, think the Shettles method would actually work? I mean it took us a long time, but I still clung to dumb methods like Shettles etc.

And the list of other concerns that wouldn't have happened if it had been a girl goes on and on. How can I let my child go to his in-laws when they are going to force him onto ATVs and dirtbikes when he is 4. I grew up in a geeky book-reading family and am sort of a raging liberal. Gas powered things are not my forté. If my child has some kind of attachment to gas powered vehicles at a very young age I MAY JUST walk out on my family. I not only would NOT LIKE IT at all, I wouldn't be able to handle it at all. And so I fear the in-laws helping babysit, buying him guns at christmas, encouraging him to do dirt bike tricks and jump into mud mounds with his (when he's 5 they'll be 12) wild "uncles".

Please don't take anything I am saying personally. I am just NOT prepared to have a boy. At least I adore hiking, nature, and tent camping. In alot of ways I am a girly tomboy, so that KIND OF helps. I like spiders, snakes, and building things and fixing things. I JUST DON'T LIKE DIRT BIKES or video games. When I was 8 my mom hit a motorcycle driver who was drunk and driving in the wrong lane and his leg had to get amputated. That's another story I never stopped hearing, tales of his screaming. My dad had a motorcycle before that and after her accident she made him sell it. We never missed it as a family.

(Karin-if you read this- I know you love motorcycles and actually I have always kind of wanted one for myself. I am much more fond of motorcycles for traveling, but just not for sport. Someday I plan on touring at least some of the US in one. I just don't want it to become my son's "culture" the way it is for my in-laws. It's what they do many days of the week, drive huge trucks with dirt bikes attached to races etc etc. I just don't want that in my life. I just don't like gasoline powered stuff for sport.)

Update: I have spoken with my sister and dad since writing this which has helped IMMENSELY. I thought my sis would be so mad at me, but she said the most kindest things to me and we actually cried on the phone together for love of my sweet little innocent one inside me. I know it's not his fault. I know I'm being a jerk. I just have to process these things big time. I know later I will probably constantly cry with love for him for ever having thought these rude things.

Yep, I'm reading this, and we love our motorcycles because they allow us to visit places in the country that we otherwise would not go. We use them to explore and see the country, and we look forward to our camping trip we take on them each year. So I totally get your point. 100% totally and completely.

As far as for everything else, I came into this with an open mind, and thinking, "well, I did major in Psychology and Sociology" and thought I might be able to use some of that in practice. Not so much.

What I can tell you is that you have already taken the first step in dealing with your feelings. You have WRITTEN THEM DOWN. Coherently, decisively, and fervently. You know how you feel, you are (beginning at least, if not all the way) learning to understand WHY you feel these things, and you are able to express them. That is farther than anyone I've ever counseled (as an intern) has come. So feel very good about that. Very, very good.

I can't comment on how you actually feel, as I don't share your feelings. But then again, nobody really does share anyone else's feelings, do they? We each have our own, and they are all rooted in our individual places in life. There is a big part of me that wants a girl also, and yet I know I am going to have a boy. I am already dealing with disappointment, but for no real reason that I have yet to determine. Right now for me, it's as shallow as that I've seen more cute girl clothes than boy clothes. I'm sure there's more to it, but I'm not allowing myself to go there just yet.

I can tell you that DH also wants a girl, but his reasons are deeper. He is afraid he is going to be a bad father. He is scared he isn't going to be the "right" kind of Dad, whatever that is. DH is an intellect, (albeit a tattooed, motorcycle riding one), he is uber-smart, and he has a real soft spot for women (i.e. me, his sister, his mom, etc.) So his reasoning comes from his fears about not being a "good enough" father. It comes from some very personal things with his relationship with his father. Nothing I will disclose here, but that's no matter. It's stemming from somewhere real, and personal. Closest I can come to relating to a deeply rooted reason for gender preference.

I am SO not helping you right now. But I wanted to share some of my thoughts, and let you know that I think everything you are feeling is perfectly normal for you. I don't think anyone's feelings CAN be "not normal", after all, they are our feelings, and ours alone. Nobody can tell us what is right, wrong, sideways, or upside down. This is your baby, your feelings, your situation, your life. Feel how you feel, but please, don't ever stop expressing it. Here, your blog, to your family, in a personal/private handwritten journal. These words that you write will be instrumental in how you continue to process these feelings.

I am very glad to know that you had conversations with your sister and your dad. You are right, it is not "his" fault. But it is OK to feel this way. You are so far ahead of the game by knowing and understanding that you are having feelings that are making you feel this way, and that you need to process them over time. Key word here is time. Things take time. It took me a LONG time to process the fact that it took us 3 1/2 years to get pregnant. It took me a long time to process the fact that we, very natural/organic people, would have to turn to science to "create" this miracle that should be created out of the love two people have for each other. But I did process it. OVER TIME. It didn't happen overnight, and it wasn't easy, but I did it. We did it. You will do it.

That's all for now...please keep writing, that's all I ask. I don't care if it's here, there, anywhere. But I think your expression of your feelings is the greatest gift you can give yourself right now. And to your LO...

Am I allowed to lol just a little bit about your rant on gas powered vehicles?? First off...I'm so sorry you're feeling disappointed and upset. No matter how other people raise their boys and no matter how their boys act....YOUR boy does not have to be like that. I for one LOVE boys and have always feared having a girl so I'm the opposite. I'm afraid of the drama and the bossiness that I see in most girls. But then I realized, my girl doesn't HAVE to be like that. I know I can't make her personality what I want it to be but I know I will love and adore her if I were to have a girl. Around here (and probably most places in the U.S. I assume) boys are expected to play baseball and/or football. Well guess what? My little boy is completely NOT interested in sports. He loves science. He loves swimming. He does love video games but it's completely within your control whether they become gamers or not. Just don't buy the crap! lol People are constantly trying to get us to put our son in sports and questioning why we don't. They look at us with sad eyes like we're depriving our son of something vital to all boys. Well I got news for them...all boys aren't meant to play sports and all girls are not meant to be cheerleaders. Anyway, I'm just saying, no matter what other people try to force on your boy...he may not even be interested in it. He may want to bake cookies with you. Mine LOVES to bake cookies, lay in the bed and watch AFV with us and learn to play the guitar with his daddy. You will fall head over heels in love with this baby boy. Boys are so sweet. I'm so sorry that your mom said such hurtful things to you as a child. That's awful. My mom wasn't mean or anything but she tried so hard to be "hands off" because her mom was so controlling. Unfortunately, it meant that she literally never fixed our hair or tried to show us how a little girl should dress. I grew up a very awkward tomboyish girl who got the nickname "Cousin It" because my hair was so out of control. So part of me wants to have a girl so I can take care of her (in that way) like my mom didn't. I want her to feel cute and pretty but not be a drama queen. Anyway....I'm rambling. I hope something I said helped! ((((HUGS))))

__________________
~ Ginger

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb...I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made...My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together...Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139: 13-16

Thank you. Thank you so much. I can tell you majored in those two subjects because every word you wrote seems so thoughtful and meaningful to my situation. I appreciate it so much.

My sister actually said a few of the same things to me. To not hide my feelings, that she understands, that she knew it might be hard on me if it was a boy. I am so grateful to that reaction, rather than people recoiling in judgement at my sadness and disappointment and anger.

And it's true I suppose, I didn't even know I felt this way before crying last night, so getting these hidden feelings out needed to happen. And writing helped alot.

My DH feels the same way as yours. We talked about it a few nights before the appointment. He feels he will have a harder time communicating with a son. He has a soft spot for women. Let's hope I can help with that

I think we would get along in real life fabulously. Wait.... this is real life

Well guess what? My little boy is completely NOT interested in sports. He loves science. He loves swimming. He does love video games but it's completely within your control whether they become gamers or not. Just don't buy the crap! lol People are constantly trying to get us to put our son in sports and questioning why we don't. They look at us with sad eyes like we're depriving our son of something vital to all boys. Well I got news for them...all boys aren't meant to play sports and all girls are not meant to be cheerleaders. Anyway, I'm just saying, no matter what other people try to force on your boy...he may not even be interested in it. He may want to bake cookies with you. Mine LOVES to bake cookies, lay in the bed and watch AFV with us and learn to play the guitar with his daddy. You will fall head over heels in love with this baby boy. Boys are so sweet.

Oh my gosh thank you. Right???? Luckily my husband never had an interest in sports and sadly I was always the last one chosen to be on a team, ANY team. I think we would be very poor examples of competitive sport parents. I guess if our boy leans towards liking a sport we will take it as it comes. I have three younger brothers whom all sound more like your sons, my siblings did drama, music, and theater, no sports. It just doesn't run in the blood. And believe me, I'd prefer video games to attempts at being a football mom ANY DAY.

You also just gave me the best vision of cooking and baking with my son.

Quote:

I grew up a very awkward tomboyish girl who got the nickname "Cousin It" because my hair was so out of control.

This made me crack up out loud. I bet you were so cute.
I totally relate to the mom-daughter relationship, longing to get a second chance at a good one at least.

I am very glad you wrote this and I had the chance to read it. You are an exceptionally smart woman and I just want you to know that not even knowing you I can tell you are going to be an amazing mother and that little one is very lucky. I applaud you for taking the time to actually think about what is going on in your head/heart and take consideration as to why you are feeling this way. While I don't have a right to say anything regarding those feelings...as Karin said, they are yours and obviously they are a key to you figuring out and discovering a part of yourself that has led you here, I do want to also add a few things. While not a religious person really, I have always believed that creating life is for a higher purpose. That being said, a child regardless is a blessingas I know you feel. While anyone can tell you it all comes down to the luck of the draw I have always kind of felt like maybe having a girl or boy, whichever it may be, is a calling. Maybe your calling is to raise a well rounded son, strong, good provider, respectful of anyone, especially the women in his life, to negate all those feelings and past beliefs that men were "bad". Just a thought.

I again just want to say that I have no judgements here. I just wanted you to know that there is always another way to look at any first reasoning and you are not alone, not here. I hope I speak for everyone here when I say that you are never "wrong" or a "bad person" for feeling a certain way. In fact, you're only human.

I again just want to say that I have no judgements here. I just wanted you to know that there is always another way to look at any first reasoning and you are not alone, not here. I hope I speak for everyone here when I say that you are never "wrong" or a "bad person" for feeling a certain way. In fact, you only human.

I can't tell you how grateful I am for this attitude, which I have received from you three responders and one of my best friends, my sister, and my father. I know that deep down I am NOT a horrible person and I totally agree that my tiny one is here to teach me a lesson (or twenty). As I said I didn't know I was sitting on this much aggression towards the opposite sex. Me and DH don't fight much and my 3 brothers (especially 1 of them) are stellar examples of strong, kindhearted, motivated men- so I rarely consider my disdain for men and the history of men anymore (it used to come up alot more in my 20's).

Kudos to you for sharing how you really feel. It's always better to let it out then to bottle it in. Also I agree that I love the image mama ginger created of baking cookies with a son. So sweet and so true. Boys can be delicate and gentle just like girls, it's all about how you raise them. Don't let society tell you what the Y chromosome entails and how you should raise your son. I completely agree that if I have a boy it's not going to be all ATV's and guns, I want him to experience a little of everything and decide for himself what he is interested, if he wants to take tap, fine, if he wants to play soccer, ok, if he wants me to paint his dang toes I'm doing it! Most importantly I would want my son to be a good person and have the same values that makes a decent person, male or female.

I don't know what I'm having yet, but also wish for a girl. Although more and more this post is making me realize that a boy would probably be just fine for me.

Maybe this post is
therapy for a lot of women

Either way stay strong, raise your baby to your standards not societies, and don't be afraid to talk to someone. Therapy can be extremely helpful to different people and there are many different kinds. Part of your mixed emotions probably stem from your own childhood and wanting to raise a daughter the way you weren't raised (just a thought). And maybe spend some time doing something fun that is boy related, look up names that are unique and strong just like your girl names

I don't think anyone here is going to judge you for your feelings. They don't have a right to, at least. You feel how you feel and that's all there is to it. Everyone has "skeletons" and everyone has things they feel that other people may not agree with, but they are still rightfully your feelings.

I think once you are able to process what is going on, you will fall head over heels in love with your boy. You do not have to have a rough and tumble boy. You can have a soft, gentle, caring boy who enjoys things like art, science, being with family, etc. And while your DH may not feel he can be a good dad, he CAN. I know I will not be my mother... I would never want that. I am a mother, I am myself... I do not have to repeat behaviors I witnessed as a child. You and your DH will be the parents you want to be, not the parents that you are afraid of being.

And on the lines of loving to bake... There is a little old man that comes into the office (a patient of ours) and last time he was in he kept talking about how much he LOVED to bake. He loves to bake pies; and he kept asking us girls what kind of pie we would like for him to bring. Because he loves to make people happy. It is the same little old man who remembers all of our birthdays and calls us on that day just to say happy birthday. Just wanted to give you an example of a good, kind-hearted, gentle man. And you can certainly raise your boy to be the same sort of man.

Oh, and for the record... My DF didn't participate in a single sport. He sang in choir. He sings to our daughter (she LOVES it!) He is an only child. The only sport he participates in now is skiing, which our daughter also loves. He did own a motorcycle at one point, but after having 2 friends get seriously injured he has realized his family is more important. His family is very important to him. I have seen him cry, and he's ok with that. In highschool he was the least "rough-and-tumble" person I could picture... and he does a great job at being a father.

Oh, and for the record... My DF didn't participate in a single sport. He sang in choir. He sings to our daughter (she LOVES it!) He is an only child. The only sport he participates in now is skiing, which our daughter also loves.

I loved reading this. I have said all along that if it IS a boy I want him to be a choir singer! I mean, there's only so much I can do to suggest that but I am most definitely trying for it. And thank you so much for the story of the old man that bakes. Honestly it so good to hear about all these nice sons and men that people are bringing up. I can feel my heart changing already.

I just sent this email (in part) earlier today to DH's mom....after DH spent the weekend alone while I was visiting my brother...

"Well, Pat made it through the weekend just fine! He played in the garage most of the weekend, ate leftovers and a take out meatball sub - not bad! The best part was that when I got home, I found the house super clean! He said he did all the dishes (including washing pots and pans, running/emptying the dishwasher), AND did a load of laundry (his dirty garage clothes) because he didn't want his wife to come home to a "bachelor house". I don't know what you did with him growing up, but whatever it was, it was RIGHT! He is such a doll!"

Boys are ok. Even the intellectual, nerdy, mathlete (yes he was a 'mathlete') ones like my husband.

I understand. I had envisioned my daughter for years... her curls, her cherub cheeks... and it looks like squiggle is a boy...Im having to shift into another gear to prepare for him.

You're lucky to have a great husband, who will be a great father and have a great influence on the man a son will become.

Tom is a nerdy guy...mathlete, avid reader, and all around good non-macho man. I was raised with rednecks on my dad side, and know my way around an engine, drove four wheelers at 4, and have my motorcycle license... Tom wouldn't have the slightest idea on how to even start an atv....

Tom had a great role model in his father, who reinforced his entire life that women are an equal, and are to be respected to the highest regard. (Tom's mom was in an abusive relationship before meeting hid dad, and his dad made it his mission to be sure his son knew how to treat women.) His dad told me that when Tom was born he had made a list, a list of values and life lessons he wanted to be sure he bestowed upon his son... I thought that was such a wonderful idea. I think it worked well, seeing the man that Tom is today.

Boys don't need to be macho and dirty and obnoxious... it's all in their environment and how they are raised...

I wish I could reach through this screen and give you a great big hug.

I saw your thread in the main area and popped in here to offer a little encouragement.

You sound like the kind of mom that lots of little boys would love to have - one that will encourage them to be well rounded, try lots of things (whether they're "boy" things or "girl" things, maybe they can just be "kid" things), and give them an opportunity to just be themselves rather than be what other people think a little boy should be.

I think it's a lot harder to raise a feminist boy than it is to raise a feminist girl, because there isn't a lot of social support for it. But you might just be the right family to do it. And it doesn't require a total ban on motor sports. One of my favorite feminist men goes four wheeling with his dad out west every year and they have a great time. He's still sensitive and caring, and not afraid to participate equally in his relationships. Even if your little one does take to the more rough and tumble parts of boyhood, he can still learn to respect all others, see women as equals, and consider Abigail Adams the most impressive of the Adamses. Maybe even knit!

(As for ATVs and guns at whatever age, you're his mother, and you get to say what is safe and acceptable, not just because he's a boy, but because he's your child and his safety is your main concern, and that's not just an issue of politics or persuasion, that's your parenting choice that they are going to have to learn to respect.)

I know you're disappointed. I'm more and more hoping for a little girl, and have to remind myself that we could rock this little boy thing, too, by doing some of the same things - making sure the child has lots of colors to choose from, tries lots of different activities, and has the language and confidence to make and defend their choices. And not let other parents or people essentialize their gender, ever.

You can totally do this. I hope you get the encouragement and support you need to raise the most adorable little feminist.

Well, since my last writing spell I have chilled out a lot (as far as gender goes). I am now not so fired up about having a boy, if indeed that is what my LO is. I am relieved actually that we get to go back and find out for sure because instead of telling people that we went at all in the first place (SO GLAD I KEPT IT A SECRET WHAT WITH MY AWFUL REACTION) I am just telling people we find out on the 13th, as tho it is our first attempt, and it feels much better cause I am now at total peace with my little "man". Monday! Woo hoo!!!

I am also a little bit into astrology and I am SO VERY RELIEVED that Mercury Retrograde ended yesterday. EVERY SINGLE July-AUGUST it effs up my life. If you want to know more about what Mercury Retrograde is (it's a planetary illusion thing that happens three times a year) check out this link How To Survive Mercury*Retrograde! www.galadarling.com

Anyhoo. So in the past few weeks of Mercury Retrograde I really have felt it. Like I haven't been getting anywhere, like expectations were crushed, some bad things happened, some things were delayed.

First was the heartbreak of my sister's traumatic C-section and the strange sadness that she couldn't deny accompanied the birth of my darling niece. I was with her all week and what should have been a joyous time felt a little sad, and strange. But also good because Lucinda (the baby) is so awesome. How I pray for a vaginal birth and that my placenta (which is low lying) lifts up soon.

Following that I had the most horrendous ligament pains for a week or so and I barely could do anything. I found out it was mostly trapped gas making the pressure worse and since then- TMI- Gas-X has become my BEST FRIEND.

Then last week my cat ate something toxic and it was absolutely terrifying for us. Our two cats are literally like our kids and when we have our baby we are going to call them the child's "brother and sister". We love them so much. So it was terrifying to see my baby girl throwing up repeatedly over the course of 48 hours and acting like she'd seen a ghost. Her behavior changed DRASTICALLY. She suddenly, one day after her outside ventures (which we monitor pretty closely cause we live in the country) became drenched in ABSOLUTE FEAR, terrified, of everything, but especially our bedroom. Especially the bed. The night that the fear began we had no idea what was going on. She seemed like a different cat. Perhaps even in pain of some kind, well she must have been because she began throwing up alot. Tho many of her quirks and personality have come back since then, she to this day enters our bedroom with absolute fear and only when she has to. I have to feed her all treats in there to try to shake the "bad thing" out of her mind and replace it with something better. I believe that this fear developed while she was hallucinating after eating a toxin and things on the bed (a couple stuffed animals, a throw blanket - which she is THE MOST SCARED OF NOW) turned into moving things that terrified her? I have no other way to explain why she suddenly, one evening, would develop a total deep fear of her old "safe spot", our bedroom. We took her to the vet and they confirmed it seemed very likely she had eaten something poisonous. She is SLOWLY overcoming it, it's been a week, but the fear is still there. At least her body is recovered, thank jesus, she is eating, sleeping, pooping and peeing in the litter box. But she will not lay on the bed. She continually swats at it. We have changed all the bedding, removed the most fearful items, etc... but she still is absolutely terrifed of the bed - oh and also our closet. Which is even weirder because that first night (when we didn't actually realize she'd eaten something toxic) she spent the night in utter fear in there. It used to be THE ONE spot she'd run to if a stranger came over. She's a sweetheart, but she's our shy, nervous cat, especially of men. So all I can conclude is while she spent that first poisoned night in there being terrified, she was experiencing some kind of visual trama from the toxin. We thing she may have carried a poisonous newt (they live right near us) in her mouth or eaten a silkworm. She doesn't really "try" plants out for flavor. I am so glad to watch her return to her normal totally adorable quirky self. I was so scared we were going to lose her, and I thought of how awful it would be if I remembered my pregnancy as the dark time that I lost my precious Owl. (that's her name)

Anyhow, on top of that, the past week I have been on the grossest antibiotic called Metronidazole. It has made me lazy, sick to my tummy, dry throated, with the most DISGUSTING taste constantly in my mouth. Today is my last day, and the horrible side effects went away yesterday THANK YOU GOD. I felt more lazy and awful than I Have my whole pregnancy the past week! Now I'm starting a SERIOUS pro-biotic regimen. I have to build up the good stuff in my body before a yeast infection sets in, which I'm prone to.

Also (total annoying whine sesh, sorry) a month ago our entire neighborhood received new trash & recycling receptacles that makes everyone's life WAY easier (96 gallons of PURE recycling space in a huge can versus those little green box-crates we always overflowed) but LO AND BEHOLD who didn't receive theirs? OUR HOUSE. JUST OUR HOUSE. So since then we've made like 5 phone calls to try to get them and on TOP OF THAT because they have new trucks that pick up the trash they stopped getting ours because they couldn't because they were in typical old style trash cans! I was furious! Anyhow, OUR NEW RECEPTACLES arrived this morning!!! I was overjoyed. Such a little thing but it was driving me crazy to have to make "special arrangements" each week to get our **** trash picked up!

So... end of a sluggish, annoying era and the beginning of a fulfilling very busy one!

Our roommate, my husbie's brother, is moving out!!!!!! WOOOOHOOOOOOOO! September 1st. I love the guy, but he smokes around the house (not inside) and has a new GF who literally practically lives here. I was SO FLEEPING annoyed the first trimester with it. They take OVER the kitchen, cooking who knows what, and the smells killed me then! Luckily the M/S is gone but it's still annoying. She stays 5 to 6 nights a week and uses the shower, bathroom etc. Lately I think she senses my fed-upness with it so she lays low when she is here, but it's still annoying. They are attached at the hip. He was the coolest, mellowest, ghost of a roommate before. He was often at bike races, in the garage working quietly on projects, Cooked quiet meals for himself- & always at the time we weren't using the kitchen- everything was in sync, copacetic. And then SHE came along. She's real nice, but now I can't get a gawl darn glass of water in my own kitchen without having to have a full conversation! And whenever I want to make a nice dinner I have to plan ahead to try to beat them to the dang kitchen. I LOATHE IT. On top of that he pays hardly any rent, my hub sports most of it himself! Ugggh. I hide out in my room most nights when they are here. Luckily I have days here at my home by myself.

I just realized that I posted my last rant in a "new topic" instead of in this thread. So I reposted it here in my actual journal!

Just walked into town in the 100 degree weather. Luckily it's nice and dry out. 12% humidity. I stopped at the Farmer's market and got some tomatoes and peaches. Then I got an iced espresso and had breakfast at my husband's work, a little cafe called South Pine. It was delicious!

I am so excited to confirm my gender on Monday. If it's not a boy I will be sooooo surprised and very curious as to what the heck the triangular shaped object was near the upper left thigh at my 15 week appt!

I read your last post...and all I can say is wow. You've certainly had a lot going on lately! I'm sorry your cat got so ill, and had such a dramatic reaction. That must have been very scary for you! I'm glad she is on the mend.

I'm glad to hear that Sept 1 is a set in stone day for the move-out! You will feel so freed to have that extra space again, and not have anyone in the house. Sometimes, you just need your own space, ya know?

Sorry this is so short, I'm swamped trying to catch up on 10 days of JM (on multiple boards, no less!), but I have read EVERYTHING I promise!
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