I went to the gym near my apartment today to check them out because they are running a beginning of the year special, and I wanted to see if I would be interested.

They weighed me. And took my BMI. I would not have gone if I had known how awkward and weird I would have felt afterward, all these trainers saying I was looking great... The fattest "Exercise Coordinator" I've ever seen telling me exercises I might want to try to achieve my goals.

The whole thing was totally uncomfortable.

And then the worst part.

My weight said 127 on their scale.

Mind you, this was before I had peed, had a BM or anything today AND fully clothed in pants and sleeves with shoes and all, but I was not taking any of this into consideration.

My mood plummeted. The lady is telling me all about the facility, what they offer, blah, blah, blah, and all I can think about it "One-twenty-SEVEN!? Are you JOKING!?" I didn't even listen.

In matters of my weight, logic fails me.

I didn't contemplate my clothes, shoes, BM, etc until I had gotten home and weighted myself on my own scale (it said 120 after I pottied). Then I jumped on Google, and realized that I probably weight about 122 right now (The BM, pee, clothes and shoes probably equaled 5lbs when I looked everything up.) which means my scale is about 2lbs off.

Not too terrible, but I'm still freaked... It made me realize that I need to get back on track. I keep getting close to my goal and then fucking it up and losing sight of what I want again... And that need to end before I really AM 127 again.

People just make me complacent... The fiance says I'm gorgeous, calls me skinny, says I can afford to eat junk food with him. Sandy says I look skinny, asks if everything is okay, says and it's scary how some girls lose too much weight. Cher asks me exactly how much weight I'm trying to loose for my wedding, comments I'm wasting away to nothing. And while I can never find the appropriate response to these moments, they make me feel amazing... People are noticing my body change right along with me... I'm getting thinner, and people notice.

But it's not thin enough.

I know what I want, and I need to go after it!

It's the 31st... My New Year's resolution was to eat 500 cals a day or less and work out 4 times a week minimum for at least 45 mins. This is possible, and my month of not resolving is over.

I had a shitty night... Got stoned, ate too much, cried, had nightmares when I fell asleep.

About the lost love of my life.

I don't know what is wrong with me, but I am getting SO depressed. I need to snap out of it. I need to get my life back on track.

I'm stressed.

Fucking dreams... I miss him. I miss our friendship and I hate that when we broke up he got SO much more of me than I got of him. I wonder about him and wish I could just call and talk to him. How hard is that?

Saturday, January 30, 2010

I went to work and binged and purged... It wasn't planned, and I'm not proud. There was just so much food around. Birthday cake, pasta, rice. I ate all of it and then purged it up and went back to work. I hadn't eaten anything at that point, and the food sat SO heavy and gross and the guilt was just too much.

Fucking work birthday parties.

Then to punish myself I didn't eat anything else until after my shift when I had a few bites of this and that and about 100 cals of popcorn.

Obviously it paid off though.

It's bad when mia rewards me.

I have to run ladies. The snow is SO bad that the fiance is bringing me into work early so I don't have to drive.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Thank you, anonymous. I'm totally looking into Claritin 24 ASAP! I DO have allergies, and my doctor is such a moron, I can get whatever I want.

I did GREAT yesterday, though the night before I got WASTED. 4 shots and a beer in 1.5 hours... I continued to get drunker and drunker for like an hour. I ate a bunch threw it up, brushed my teeth (amazed I had the frame of mind to do that!) and passed out.

It was a fun night though.

My weight as of yesterday morning had (miraculously) not changed an ounce. I don't know about today. I'm making myself wait until after 2 days of no bad eating.

SO if I continue to do well today, I can weight tomorrow morning.

AND the fiance bought me a new workout program (4 DVDs!) and I am going to try that out on Sunday for the first time. SO excited. I'll let you all know how it goes and what it is then.

I have to run ladies. I adore you all and I hope you're thinking thin!

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

I worked out like crazy this morning, and my period came so the food cravings are minimizing. I also went grocery shopping and go a bunch of stuff so I can eat some new foods.

I feel a little weak today, but I'll survive. I haven't binged which is normally what I do when I'm left alone to my own devices. And I didn't purge yesterday. I made myself keep it all down, which made me sick all day. Augh. No more binging for me. I can't binge without a purge, and since purging needs to be cut out of my habits, so does binging.

BUT today I did well. It's late and I still have 200 cals of food and a Bud Select 55 beer allotted for today to equal less than 500 which is what I burned at the gym once I do my ab video in a minute here.

SO nice.

I'm hoping to keep these habits for the next few weeks and that my hard work will pay off by my birthday trip Feb 25-28. My b-day is the 22nd, and we're going on a trip back home that weekend. We haven't been since September, and I want to look super thin and gorgeous when I see all of my friends. I bought hair bleach today so I can be super blonde (even though it's winter) and I'm planning on starting at a new tanning place closer to my house in a couple days...

The fiance is taking my shopping for my b-day since the shops back home are SO much nicer, and I want to be thin, thin, thin when I buy clothes there.

I've stayed at 120lbs for a couple days now, which is rare for me... Normally with the restricting I've been doing, the weight drops quicker.

Quicker than a couple DAYS, you ask? WTF? I know... But it does.

However, I was fucking RAVENOUS all day yesterday and I was talking to a co-worker and realized it's because today is my last BC pill which means period coming tomorrow.

Explains a LOT.

Like why my skin is a war zone and why I'm not showing a scale change, and why I consumed over 600 cals yesterday.

Honestly I'm okay with yesterday because while I had a teeny relapse, I still did pretty good. And man it was hard because I felt like all I wanted to do yesterday was EAT, so I'm satisfied with myself.

I'm hoping that the "not losing" quickly turns into losing some lbs once the first few days of my period are over.

In other news...

Lately I have been EXTREMELY paranoid about the fiance finding my blog... Like I have panic attacks. Especially if I know he's home alone or if I'm in the shower or down at the fitness center, whenever he could potentially be on the computer with me blissfully ignorant somewhere else.

I freak OUT.

My pulse sky-rockets, I start sweating, I have these thoughts that swim around and around how he would react, what it would do to our relationship, that he would make me stop, watch me like a hawk, etc.

I get SO freaked out that he'll find this and make me choose ana or him. And I would choose him, but I don't want to HAVE to choose. It's better if he doesn't know and I just continue to get thinner.

I just don't want him to know how much I've lied to him or how much I've hid from him. He asks me how long it's been since I've thrown up on purpose, and I always say something like, "I don't know, it's been a LONG time." When in reality it has NOT been a long time at ALL.

Sometimes it's been that day or the day before.

And part of me just wants to come out and tell him, confess my sins, but I CAN'T.

Dice the zucchini by cutting it into quarters lengthwise and then cutting into about 1 inch thick pieces. Toss them with some garlic salt and then sautee covered on medium heat in a non-stick pan about 15 minutes or until the zucchini is soft on the outside but still a little crisp inside.Cool completely.Finely dice the red pepper and cut the tomatoes into large chunks and add to the zucchini. Cut the stems off of the artichoke heart quarters and add them to the vegetables along with the salad dressing and feta cheese.For best results, let marinate at least an hour before eating.This recipe makes a huge amount though, so you may want to cut back the portions a bit.This recipe yields approximately 60 calories per cup, depending on product selection.

Spray a small casserole dish with 0cal non-stick spray.Mix the above ingredients in the dish and press them down to a uniform height, making sure everything is moist.Cover and bake about 15 minutes, until the apples are done when you poke with a fork and it's all slightly bubbly.Uncover and continue to bake until the top is slightly crispy, about an additional 5 minutes.

Cook all the vegetables before putting them in the egg. Saute the onions, microwave the broccoli, etc. Spray a casserole dish with non-stick spray. Whip 4 egg whites and add sauteed onions and tomatoes, broccoli and mushrooms and bake at 350 for about 40 mins. Serve with 2 TB salsa.

Bake the tortilla so that it is a little crispy. Microwave the refried beans and mix in some diced jalapenos. Spread on the tortilla and top with diced tomatoes. Cut into segments and enjoy!You can also serve this with minus the tomatoes and jalapenos and instead use some fat free sour cream or taco sauce. Lots of variations, few calories!

I haven't tried this one yet, and I'm sure you can make it with fewer cals... I'm going to be experimenting, but it looks like a nice 3 eggs halves for around 100 cals if you do it right.

Place eggs in a large saucepan. Cover with water to 1 inch above eggs; bring just to a boil. Remove from heat; cover and let stand 12 minutes. Drain and rinse with cold running water until cool.Peel eggs; slice in half lengthwise. Remove yolks; discard 4 yolks. Place remaining 4 yolks in a medium bowl. Add ham and next 7 ingredients (through pepper); stir until combined.Place bread in a food processor; pulse 10 times or until coarse crumbs measure 1 cup.Spoon about 1 teaspoon yolk mixture into each egg white half. Top each half with 1 tablespoon breadcrumbs. Coat breadcrumbs with cooking spray.Preheat broiler.Place eggs on a baking sheet; broil 1 minute or until breadcrumbs are toasted. Garnish with thyme leaves, if desired.

Haven't Tried these salad recipes either... I would use fat free yogurt in the first recipe for even lower cals, and maybe Truvia instead of honey in the second and no Olive Oil. I'm not sure what a serving is... It didn't say.

DirectionsCook the cauliflower. And let sit 30 minutes.Cut the parsley into small pieces.Put the tomatoes into a salad bowl. And add the parsley.Add the cauliflower.Mix the yogurt with lemon and prepare a salad sauce with them.Put the yogurt lemon mix in the bowl.

Chop cabbage (such as Napa or red cabbage), onion and red bell pepper to bite size pieces. Grate carrots. You could also use Yellow or Orange Bell Peppers.In a separate bowl, combine rice wine vinegar, salt, pepper, sriracha and honey.Mix well. Add the olive oil and mix again.Pour dressing over the vegetable mix. Allow to marinate in the refrigerator for at least an hour.When serving, top with fresh chopped basil.Note: you can top the salad with grilled chicken, tomatoes, corn, basil and many other options. This slaw lasts for several days in the refrigerator.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

I posted a couple posts I'd written down on notebook paper lately... It's hard to find privacy lately, so I've been writing elsewhere, and I'll post them in here when I get a chance.

I feel like absolute crap today. I think I overdid it with the laxs, but also the fiance has had a stomach bug so I might have that... Maybe just both.

Whatever it is, I have been sick all day and can't keep anything in my system.

I've eaten about 450 cals, and I'm not eating any more today. Namely because that's a good day, and I think I'll stop there, but also because it just goes straight through me... I've had (graphic, sorry) 5 BM's today and it's only 6pm. FIVE.

I'm supposed to go to dinner with some girls I work with, but I'm about to call Rach and tell her not only that I'll be late (I have to pick up the fiance from work early) but also that I won't be eating so they can order without me.

I took 2 laxatives to flush it all out. I know they're bad, but I need to start over. I need to get back on track. I need to get my head straight. I'm gaining because I've been binging. Sometimes purging, sometimes not. Constant nightly binging.

I'm loosing all control.

This cannot go on.

Mentally it's hurting me and physically it's no better. My teeth HURT lately. They're sensitive and constantly agitated. My stomach and intestines have no idea what's going on. Laxatives, throwing up, no food, tons of food... I have lost all sense of consistency and my body is objecting.

I thought it was just the weed that was enabling me to eat, but it's not.

My brain is all over the place. My actions are all over the place. My body is all over the place. In both senses of the statement.

For the first time, I feel really Fucked Up.

Like I'm realizing how deep this goes and how much of a problem I have and like I have to choose to either get better or worse.

But if I do... Well, then it becomes real. I have to admit it. Confess my sins. Find the reasons. Examine myself. If I admit it, there has to be a reason.

And that reason will, inevitably, be me.

I cause myself SO much misery. So much agony.

My actions will have to be delved into. My thoughts re-lived. My transgressions aired out and contemplated.

And while this seems like it would be beneficial... Healing even... I'm afraid I can't do it. My soul is too weary. My heart beating to the rhythm of disregard. I cannot continue to go over my errors again and again. Think about them until I have them figured out. I can no longer force myself into contemplation.

Suffice to say, I'm indecisive.

Part of me longs to burn myself at the stake for my sins against myself and the other half wished to bury my own head in the sand and shut my eyes and ears to myself. For now, I'm caught in a limbo. Tired of myself with no way to escape me and choosing to turn a blind eye to me.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

I don't know what is wrong with me, but I need to snap out of it before I make myself really, really sick.

I had a planned binge and purge today... And by planned, I mean, I was at the store shopping for a few necessary items, and next thing I knew I was buying cupcakes, battered chicken, and pasta salad from the deli.

Then I was speeding home with only one thing on my mind: Binge and purge.

I haven't done something like that in almost a year.

Augh, I just blew my nose and there were cupcake fragments in my nose from purging so hard. Repulsive.

I don't know how to stop it lately... It's like food has this sudden power over me, and the only way I can fight it is by throwing it back up...

I need to get back on track. I need to stop this before I get found out or fat... Purging doesn't fix eating it in the first place.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Worse than anorexie or whatever... It scares me to see what I'm capable of.

I threw up in the sink while the fiance was in the bathroom. I threw up 3 times that day and took a laxative, and so forth... I've been throwing up almost daily.

This seems like SUCH a HORRENDOUS thing to do, but it doesn't bother me when I'm in the moment. And after, it all seems so foggy, like I couldn't have possibly done it... That I don't even feel regret... I feel regret for eating the food in the first place, but not for throwing it back up.

I need to stop... I don't like how I feel when I feel bad, and I feel like I should feel bad, but when I don't it's even worse because I feel bad for feeling good.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

My weight is at 120, but I could easily gain if I keep on like I have been. Drinking, smoking, smoking, smoking, drinking. I need to step back and calm down. The holidays are over, and I need to act like it!

In other news, work has been EXTREMELY stressful lately... I was planning on going in early today, but now I don't think I'm going to... I'm tired and don't want to face it until I have to. It's been sucking, but I have a trainer project deadline on the 30th and it will all be over... Hopefully.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

I only post on bad days lately... When I've been terrible and eaten too much... The good days I seem to easily forget about and they never make it to the pages of my blog... I guess maybe because I have to sneak on here, and I get desperate to write and confess my sins when I've had a bad day.

But alas... On to another bad day.

Slumber party last night... I got too drunk to count calories, and didn't want to throw up because everyone would have KNOWN, so I have no idea what I consumed... It's all a blur of inside jokes and board games and unknown calories and "Just one more drink!."

I had a good time, but today I have to make up for whatever I might have eaten... There was a LOT of junk food brought into my house.

My weight still says 120lbs.

I can live with this, but not much longer... I need to shed the first 5lbs soon.

Today's goals:

#1) IGNORE the leftover pizza in the fridge... I cannot stand another purge, and that will be the inevitable end result.