These First Cut films (Channel 4) are excellent. Maybe they should get rid of all the tired old established film-makers and hand it all over to these new ones. David Brindley's charming little film is about what happens to loved ones after they're cremated. Quite a lot, as it happens. First the metal bits are picked out – artificial hips, head staples, all that stuff. Then they're put into something called a cremulator that makes what's left less like bones and more like ash – people prefer it that way. And then it's up to the families.

It's still not very ash-like, but then, as Helen Todd says, it's nicer to talk about ash than cremated human remains. Her Steve spends some time in a plastic take-away container, but then she has some of him turned into a diamond, and the rest loaded into 54 shotgun cartridges, to be blasted into the sky by Steve's pals at the Clacton Gun Club. Pull!

Chris, who died in a moped accident in Thailand, now hangs round his sister Charlie's neck, in a little glass vial on a silver chain. And Jill sends her husband George off, special delivery, to Sunderland, where an artist called Val paints him into a picture. It's the view from George and Jill's holiday apartment in Menorca, and George helps to give texture to the rocks and the sand.

Others are turned into teapots, teddy bears, paperweights, cuff links, fish food and egg timers. I'm beginning to feel bad for my dad, who was scattered around the trunk of his favourite quince tree. No, actually it's what he wanted – he wouldn't have liked to have been a teapot.

Bill, in True Blood (FX), died in 1865. Well, as a human, he did. But he wasn't cremated, he became a vampire. There are lots of them about – good ones, bad ones, some you're not so sure about. Sookie isn't a vampire, I don't think, but she does read minds. Sookie's gorgeous, so is Bill; everyone is. Alan Ball wrote it – not the sadly departed ginger hero of England's 1966 World Cup triumph, but the screenwriter who did Six Feet Under. And it's fabulous – creepy, funny, sexy. It looks beautiful, there's lots of blood, and a wonderful soundtrack. What more could you want?