words wasted

So far it seems that my summer has been quite unproductive. I have moved home, reorganized my room about 5 times, made it about halfway through two books, allotted a good 20 hours of watching cspan2. This I don’t start work until Monday and it has been quite an interesting and irritating journey on that to this point, being at an impasse were I have no control of what happens, and have no sight on what could possibly happen… Its been frustrating but realizing that I don’t have control of my life; is something that has taken me the last 18 years (close to 19 now :D) to get into my thick skull that control is something I will never really have. Although I may long for it, and I may even believe I have it in my grasp at points I really don’t.

I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.
– Charles Swindoll

As much as I hate to admit it, this quote hits me hard… Because that really is how it goes, we are all in control of our own attitudes, the one thing in life that we can control, the one thing that we need to have a total and complete grasp on. Everything is a chain reaction one falling domino effects the rest in its path. If we allow our attitude to have an attitude of its own it causes the rest of those domino’s to fall, yet we cannot allow this pious event to happen. We must be in control of what we can… yet, with it being the one thing we are responsible for, why is it the one thing none of us want to have to control?

Sometimes I get to this point of denial, that my life means nothing in the greater effect of the world, a point where I take on this apathetic nature, allowing this “I am not in control of my own life, what I do changes nothing, why even try, no one is listening.” How do I let my mind fall into this trap? Like I am Pooh, trapped in the honey pot once again. Never really realizing that every step I take, every time I raise this little voice, it creates a chain reaction that could one day change the tides and make the mountains move. Maybe someday I will actually be able to see the difference I make in the world, maybe not, maybe the world wont hear my voice until long past my expiration date. But yet I need to continue this journey, this path that I don’t know where it leads, each day giving up my desire to be in control of something that I can not actually ever have. Maybe one of the traps is this site, it is the honey pot, I see the lack of comments and views and believe that these words are merely words that are wasted because they reach nearly no one… that my ability to change the world lays merely in the extent of my ability to use the verdana font…

This entry was posted on Saturday, June 17th, 2006 at 14:47and is filed under . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
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Ah, but it is funny that you should mention good ‘ole Verdana because I recently did somewhat of a change from Georgia to Trebuchet MS and right now I’m happy with Verdana. You do bring up good points, but I don’t think this blog should become a honey pot of sorts, but rather a place where such introspective and deep entries like this one can be saved for a time when you come to realize that all along you were riding a roller coaster and for the first 20 or so years of your life you were just going up the hill, ratchety ratchety rachety, inch by aching inch, but going up. Then the ride comes along and then you won’t have time to appreciate it all…

Golly has it already been a year since I first stumbled across your half-finished blog via BlogExplosion or whatever it was?

Ah, my summer has been very inproductive.

But God does have control, doesn’t He? I kinda like the fact that he knows what’s going to happen to each one of us but we have no idea and no control…