When you’re frustrated, upset, annoyed, bothered with the world, bothered with people, and wondering what the hell is wrong with everyone that you know…

…be love.

Hurt for others. Long for their restoration and change. Rejoice with them. Mourn with them. Make their good your joy. Make your goal their encouragement. Lookup from the fog of your own brain every once in a while, notice the others around you and love them. Be love to them. Bring them truth, bring them joy, bring them grace, bring them comfort, bring them mercy, bring them what they need.

Be full of grace, and truth…

…be Love.

When we love, God abides in us.

Be God to them, be Jesus to them…

…be Love.

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love. By this the love of God was manifested in us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world so that we might live through Him. In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has seen God at any time; if we love one another, God abides in us, and His love is perfected in us. By this we know that we abide in Him and He in us, because He has given us of His Spirit. We have seen and testify that the Father has sent the Son to be the Savior of the world.
— 1 John 4:7-14

When I was a young pianist, I was OBSESSED with flashy pieces. My whole piano life revolved around learning the next flashy, “difficult” and super-fast piece. I had visions in my head of practicing Rachmaninov’s 3rd piano concerto with the power and grace of a soaring eagle while every other piano major stood outside the practice room, swooning at my flawless technique and masterful precision.

When I got into the UofA I was ready to play all sorts of amazing pieces. I had just learned the most difficult Chopin ballade, a Liszt etude (flashy galore), and played Grieg’s piano concerto at my final recital at Pima Community College, to which I received a standing ovation!

These pathetic wastes of music?! These are for beginners who can’t play fast! These are for other people, not people as good as me! Where are the scales, where are the crazy octave things, where are the MASSIVE RUNNING CHORDS OF BRILLIANCE?!

…I don’t like this.

There were a good amount of pieces that I abandoned in school (those two above being included in that list), my expectations were for the fast, impressive, hard, and showy pieces. Not true advancement – everything was about showing people “how amazing I was.”

So, for 90% of my college career, I fought for pieces that “I actually like playing,”

Why?

I wanted the glory, the recognition, the prestige. I was so disillusioned by people’s praise, that I didn’t see how playing well was what mattered. If I wanted success (and I did) that wouldn’t come through people’s praises. My foundational motivation of piano was built on the sand (as Jesus would say).

So when the rains and floods rose….my house came crashing down on me.

Back to the University:

How I felt for 5.5 out of 6 semesters at the University of Arizona:

Overwhelmed

Like I missed the mark

Inferior

Like I should be better

Like I wasn’t worth anything

Like I was a terrible pianist

Like it didn’t matter what I did, that nothing was good enough

Like I was being held back

Like the pieces I was playing were “beneath” me

Like the world was conspiring against me, and I just wanted to run into a corner and hide.

At times like a failure

So, after fighting for flashy pieces I finally got one (I only had one flashy piece the whole of my time at the UofA, haha, well played Prof. Gibson).

anyway,

After going through all this pain, all this torment, all these feelings, and finally getting the “flashy piece” that I so wanted…do you think I suddenly became good?

Do you think everything worked out?

Do you think I left my lesson and came back the next week with the joy of a thousands sunrises beaming through my heart and my piece practiced to perfection?

HAHAHAHA…..

Of course not. =P

Because, despite my new found flashiness, I was still the insecure, unpracticed, immature pianist who had all those bad habits locked up inside of him, seeking the approval of other people around him more than his pianistic growth.

Even the flashy piece. The piece I so desired, fought for, and strived to get my teacher to let me play, wasn’t good enough. The problem was never with what piece I was playing, the problem was with me.

I’m going to repeat that…..the problem was with me.

The problem was never whether or not I liked the piece, whether or not my teacher praised me, how others saw me (I was one of the worst pianists at my school). All of those things can help, they can motivate and encourage, but in the end, I was the issue.

I had strong limiting beliefs that were preventing me from practicing, working, and becoming the pianist I should become. Every time they were brought out, rather than work through the piece….I just wanted to quit and get one I could hide in.

See, flashy pieces are easy to hide in. I could practice them moderately and then go out and show the world how impressive I was. I could hide all of my insecurities behind a wall of fast moving notes and epic scales. Anyone who wasn’t a trained pianist could hardly tell the difference.

Back in highshcool, I played Chopin’s Revolutionary Etude at a recital. It was a resounding success, people loved it, they cheered, complimented me afterward, roared to the heavens…

…but my teacher was un-impressed. She even came up to me afterward in disbelief at the reaction I got, saying, “That is the most impressive piece of faking I have ever seen.”

…so I get all the benefits of “playing well” (impressing others) without all the hard work associated.

I never wanted to play slow pieces, because slow pieces were for amateurs. With slow pieces; people wouldn’t see the work, and wouldn’t give me praise, if it’s a slow piece, no one is impressed by that….

“You can only play slow…bah! Look what I can do.”

…and at the end of the day, I needed to overcome my pride, my insecurities, and need to show-off, my need for other people’s approval, my need to be the best, my need to learn everything quickly, and just work.

And eventually I did.

It took me five and a half semesters (and subsequent nine years) of my life to learn that lesson.

…but I still fail.

When I started my own business after college, I was obsessed with speed. I wanted to see it all happen right now.

…so I would be afraid of working, because it not happening would mean I’m a failure.

When I moved to Phoenix I was obsessed with moving to Korea immediately!!!!……

…so I didn’t connect with anyone, or build a life because everyday I was “leaving in six months”

When I was kindling a close, intimate, real relationship I was obsessed with her growing “right now”

…so I drove her away.

When I first started teaching I was obsessed with my students getting and implementing everything I taught them “this moment!!!!!”

…so I made little kids cry.

When I re-kindled my relationship with the Lord, I wanted to see all of these “AMAZING HOLY AND AWESOME WORKS” come pouring out from Him.

…strangely He didn’t comply =P

…and I started to feel distant

And even this past month, I fell back into my spiral of “all business RIGHT NOW!”

…and so I had an incredibly scattered and unproductive month.

But I persevere.

I made it through college, I learned and grew. I am starting my own business, I’ve learned and grown. I’ve had wonderful, fulfilling relationships, become more kind, am a FAR better teacher, and have a CRAZY CLOSE relationship with the Lord I thought I would never have.

I’m still failing, and still messing things up, but God pulls me out, shows me what I need to change, and we move forward.

Everyday I’m saying “God, I want these things, I would love to have them, but ultimately whatever you want of me, I’d rather have that.”

Here’s the big thought from my prayer time today:

“I will pursue what I pursue, change that whenever you like. I will make my plans, but I hold them to you with an open hand. I ask that you bless them, but if it’s your will that they crash and burn, then let them crash and burn.”

That last line really spoke to me, “Then let them crash and burn.” I’m fine even if I fail miserably and…crash and burn.

…I do so love watching things crash and burn.

There’s growth in the failure, there’s growth in the success.

I’m fine with wherever the Lord takes me =)

Ultimately it’s eternity that matters:

“Do not lay up for yourself treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieve break in an steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven. Where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

Like, super good, fabulously good, amazingly good. I’m so good sometimes I don’t even know what to do with myself.

I’m a freakin amazing piano player

I’m a professional magician

I can memorize 15 Bible verses in under 20 minutes

I use to get A’s in classes even though I only studied a about an hour before each exam

I could probably double your productive output with a 20 minutes session

I could certainly double your practicing output (for you musicians out there)

I’ve written four books, published two of them…

I’ve even ranked in the top 2.5% of the millions of hearthstone players (so I’m REALLY good at that)

and, Heck, in the past 5 months I’ve even become a pretty good game designer =P (game’s coming out look look look)

All this to say, I’m pretty special.

But, I’ll let you in on a little secret…there’s something I’m better at than anything else…

Super-fabulous-amazing and pretty much God’s-gift-to-mankind-good at…

…this thing I do with such ease that I could do it all day long and endlessly “bless” every person that comes across my path.

Are you ready for this fabulousness?

Well here it is:

“Building a pedestal for myself and becoming a pompous ass.”

…Yep…one of my finer talents. =P

In all seriousness, there is a point to this shameless self-promotion.

…that is the realization that I can get caught in teenager behavior: running around thinking I’m God’s gift to [insert anything here] feeling like I can go it alone, do anything, and that I don’t need no help from anyone.

God reminded me in my journaling/time with Him that I need to be seeking humility. I’ve been thinking a lot about learning and growing, and a recurring trend has been humility.

Which is no surprise as it has been the greatest “growth trait” in my life to-date.

…and this has been prevalent in my game design.

I’m new to game design, but since I’ve spent a lot of time in the creative world; piano, composing, writing, performing, productivity, magic tricks, etc…, I’ve learned the skill of becoming good, I’ve advanced pretty quickly. I know what it takes to master something quickly, avoid the pitfalls, and get the most bang for my buck time wise.

But the problem is that I’ve done this mostly alone (my sister has been of great help).

But, in the end, there’s only so much growth even the two of us can make. I came to the conclusion today that there are other people in this community that I can learn from. That I can become a better designer by talking to, who can teach me lots of different and wonderful things about how games work.

Which spurred thinking about the greatest growth moments in my life…each one came as a result from humbling myself and submitting to others (usually a teacher).

They came from uttering those “most distressing” of phrases:

“You are right”

“Maybe I’m wrong.”

“Maybe you are right”

“I don’t need to be right.”

“I don’t need to be proven right”

(that last one has been particularly tough for me to accept)

When I have submitted myself to those more skilled, or even less skilled than me, entered each situation with “I don’t know everything, I’m here to learn, I here to share and serve, and I know you have lessons to teach me.”

…those have been my BIGGEST moments of growth:

Throwing aside what I thought was right and following exactly as my piano teacher told me (she may have know what she was talking about).

Heaving my pride away and asking for help on different projects in school

Letting go of my own ideas of leaving the country and letting God direct me where He wants me to go

Giving up the idea of being an “amazing teacher” and humbly coming before my students to servethem

…and so many more.

With each I was stuck in my own realm of what I wanted to do/who I was and that prevented me from listening to or opening up to what other people have to say and teach.

So maybe I’m not as skilled as I think…

…or maybe I am.

…maybe I think to much? =P

…or maybe,

…just one big fat maybe,

…one big fat huge large as the cosmos maybe, regardless of my skill, there is so much I can learn from the people around me: regardless of there skill.

God’s been reminding me to seek humility. Submit, listen, and learn.

It’s the point from which the greatest growth has, and always will, come.

When I was reading my bible today, this was the first passage I started on:

“He [the Lord] leads the humble in what is right, and teaches the humble his way. All the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness, for those who keep his covenant and his testimonies.”

-Psalm 4:10

Every so often I need to be reminded that there are other people out there smarter than me…. =P

It’s weird. I know this thought and feeling comes from the Lord. But I can’t think of it. I don’t know how to describe it. No word in the english language fits it and there’s never enough words I could tag onto it to fill it.

I know that hearing it would bring on the “Oh, that makes complete sense” response but, would be cause for endless contemplations.

“It fits here….It fits here…It fits here….”

It’s white, gray, green, dull, relaxing.

But on closer inspection it’s full of color, filled with the vibrancy of a sunset, washed in the beauty of the ocean, rugged and endearing like sand dunes.

This word encapsulates creation.

It summarizes creation.

It describes creation.

It describes wisdom.

It rejuvenates

It sharpens

It convicts

It motivates

It is.

Perfect isn’t enough to describe it.

“Perfect” doesn’t contain the right colors.

“Perfect” is a human construct of a word

“Perfect” is a symbol set to fill the void of what we can’t understand.

Humans don’t understand “perfect” it’s just a collection of lines and curves displayed in electrical impulses on a screen, or colored liquid on paper.

This word is out of my reach. Out of my mind. I feel like it’s on the tip of my tongue, like I can almost touch it, almost speak it, that if I kept striving it would be there, if I thought more I could find it, if I just searched through all the words in the english language it I would be hidden in a deep, forgotten archive.

I pray that God gives me this word but i don’t here it…

…Continue.

…Keep going.

…Strive.

…Seek.

…Build.

…Work.

They are the things I hear; “Move, seek me, I am.”

The “word” in my head points to Him. Always. Every Time. I feel like if I could just get rid of all the other words in my head, then this would remain. It would say anything that ever needed to be said, it would fill any void that needed filling, it would give me ultimate peace, it would give me the solutions to creating. It’s infinitely greater than any word anywhere. It contains the perfect pen-strokes, the perfect amount of letters, the right color evocations, the most beautiful sounds, the greatest thoughts and wisdom.

This word has ALWAYS been the guiding force of my creative work.

I strive for it.

I search for it.

I want to hear it.

I want to see it.

I want to feel it.

I want to speak it.

But I never reach it. I never find it. I’m always just short of it.

My creations are not perfect, they exhibit some feel, but it’s never enough.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the rave that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.”

-Hebrews 12:1-2

For the past 6-7 years of my life, I’ve wanted to build a passive income stream….and I’ve tried oh so many things…

…I made ONE video game which was on the app store for a month, then I abandoned it

…I written four non-fiction books, only one of which did I publish on Amazon, then I abandoned them

…I wrote three kids fiction books, published one, and abandoned the rest

…I started 4 different ecommerce stores, attempted to sell t-shirts, made random facebook pages, random websites that never did anything

…and the most serious thing I made, an online training course about magic tricks, got a few sales, but I was so caught up in the “quick sale, make money now” portion that I was never willing to put in the proper work towards having it consistently produce.

I wanted everything now…

I was trying to finish the race without running it, and was going nowhere.

But the past few months have been different:

I’ve been building a real video game business, and though I haven’t seen the monetary results (it has only been a few months) I know that I will see them. Because I’ve seen the people that have done it before me, their faith, and have my mind focused on the prize, a real stable, strong, and well rooted passive income stream that will last for years.

…and if the Lord wills (should he not call me to do something else) I will receive it.

I’m running the race now.

So what changed?

Burden dumping.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to run with weights on your legs?

Next time you hit the treadmill, grab some children (preferably your own, but that’s between you and their parents), feed them a candy bar, and tell them that if they hang on to your leg and don’t fall off you’ll give them $5…

…then go for a light jog.

Let’s just say that with a sugared up 40 lb. child dreaming of that picture of Abe Lincoln clinging to you, you ain’t getting nowhere fast.

Now try it with two kids =P

God does not call us to sit by. He calls us to RUN. Run by faith, with endurance to be focused on the prize, that is Jesus. The perfecter of our faith. But we can’t do that when we have two sugared up sin kids (sorry kids) clinging to our legs like a leech with drill bits for teeth.

We need to lift them off, put them down, and go, and go now.

Before I really got going with my game business, I had so many mindset burdens, so many “right times” I was waiting for…

…the perfect idea

…the best platform

…enough money

…moving to Korea

…a bag of perfectly salted chips

And until I got rid of them, I never started running.

“Let us also lay aside every weight and sin which clings so closely, and let us RUN.”

Lay aside your weight, and RUN, fixing your eyes of Jesus.

-Eric

p.s. My own weight that I needed to lay aside was this intense all consuming desire to run away and move out of the country. I dropped it and have never regretted it since. God is faithful, His grace is enough, whatever you need to remove you can.

We are dead to sin, (Romans 6) don’t let it cling to you, remove it and run.

I’ve gone through two mental breakdowns, am dealing with the emotional backlash of letting go something that I’ve defined myself by for years, played one of the worst concerts of my life (where my conductor asked me if I would be able to play for the choir anymore), and to top things off my Grandmother on my dad’s side, and my Grandfather on my mom’s side both passed away…

…oh, all in the past four weeks.

…This was me at the end of March.

I was driving down the freeway, heading to Bible study and had just reached my emotional limit, and had nothing left with which to fight. My feelings were raging and I needed some peace, some rest, if for a brief moment.

So I prayed.

I asked the Lord to give me peace, but…considering I was also in a spot where I wasn’t sure if God was present in my life, or if it was just some “power of the subconscious” principle that I had used over and over and over.

So in asking for peace, I also asked that the Lord give it to me in a way that I would know could only come from him…

…and I believed he could do it.

Now, I remember when I was praying, thinking about all of the ways God could send peace my way…

…my friends could randomly call me and just know how I’m feeling, talk to me, and invite me to hang out with them.

…I could win tickets to Korea that I never entered for.

…some girl could ask me out.

…I could get super powers (it would’ve been awesome).

But as soon as I finished praying, a wave of peace washed over me. In one of the most emotionally turbulent times in my life, I just felt at peace.

…all to be topped off with the longest all nighter of the year (according to legend, Santa actually slows down time on Christmas eve, so it’s like pulling multiple all nighters at once).

Just imagine the sheer amount of fatigue that man would have…

Well, I feel like Santa after Christmas, I’m dead tired….

…like super tired, back-aching, mind numbing, sustained only by the coffee I just drank tired.

I’m not about to collapse on to my keyboard and type “qwiohpauirefhsfdjea” or some other foreign word

But, I’m fatigued beyond everything.

…and the only reason I’m writing this right now is…

God.

I’ve spent the weekend with a bunch of groupies on my family’s cabin on Mt. Lemmon, and over the past three nights I’ve averaged about 4.5 hours of sleep. After finally admitting that I’ve been dropping the ball on these posts I started into writing, hit a wall, gave up from the massive fatigue, and decided to take a nap on the couch (it’s currently 8:30am and I’ve been awake for about 2 and a half hours).

Well, with the posts ever on my mind I sat down, started praying, and asked the Lord for help in writing this, and He has.

I immediately felt like I had reached a limit that I personally could not physically surpass, and that I needed him to push me through. I prayed for him to give me ideas, inspiration, thoughts, and words.

…and then I felt him telling me to GO, that despite the fatigue, he will sustain me, he will help me speak, and he will help me write. And my fingers have become an endless fountain of words (good bye blank screen blank stare).

It’s funny how despite my foolishness this weekend at not getting enough sleep, the Lord is now using it for good, so that this post can exist, and I can know and feel how he can sustain and help me even when I’m physically unable to think of anything myself.

Now, could this post just be a result of my brief break and meditation period which activated the subconscious of my brain and then allowed me, in a brief moment of inspiration to suddenly have a stroke of genius from the recesses of my noggin?

…it could…

…but I know it’s God. Not because of some irrational mumbo jumbo, hidden voodoo arts, or ancient tattoo on the eyelid hull-balloo that has no scientific basis to exist. But because I’ve felt this sustain from him before: