‘The Voice’ Recap: Blind Auditions Pt. 4

Ready for more blind auditions on The Voice? To recap, everyone has some people on their team. Christina Aguilera still has her girls out. Blake Shelton has his Best Male Vocalist hardware. Adam Levine pulls up in a Porsche. CeeLo is still hoping to find America’s Next Top Model. To the sob stories!

Two toned hair, a Peter Pan collar and a big Madonna-esque tooth gap! Somehow this makes Melanie an ugly duckling. And also: she’s a photographer who prefers to shoot “conceptual portraiture.” She’ll be a superstar on Instagram any minute now. Let’s see whose heart her voice touches. Xtina manages to correctly identify the sound of a tambourine and we’re off to the races. Adam and Blake turn around at the same time to the unorthodox treatment of the song. Xtina clearly likes it, as this girl is the kind of weird that’s right up her Sia-loving alley, but still hates Britney. She makes some crazy faces while CeeLo turns around. During the whole thing Xtina manages not to make bitch face, a huge feat.Joins Team: Adam, to which Blake expresses his sentiments of being P.O.ed

Contestant: CupidSings: Cupid “Cupid Shuffle” Woah, this guy’s got animal magnetism and a million-selling song called “The Cupid Shuffle” that I’ve never heard of — although apparently 2 million people have. Is he a one-hit wonder? I say that’s misusing the word HIT. So, Cupid is here — in a vest and a hot pink shirt — to get his talent on. Amazingly, he’s going to sing a retooled version of his own song. This song is very Soul Train but sadly not much a vocal showcase and no chairs turn BUT CeeLo does immediately recognize him and wants to know what the hello kitty he’s doing on The Voice. CeeLo then calls him out for his dumb song choice and gives him a chance to sing something with some actual singing. He hits some Marvin Gaye that would have been a WAY better choice. Let’s consider this a sob-set up for when he inevitably comes back next season.Joins Team: one hit wonder

PS — Usher and Shakira are joining The Voice next season, official confirmed!

Sings: Stevie Wonder “Isn’t She Lovely?” Oooh single dad alert. They don’t play it up like a sob story though so that’s nice. Do not understand the open collar with a tie look though, that’s not hot. He’s got a strong blue-eyed soul voice, which is certainly a must when you take on a Stevie Wonder song. Adam’s way into it, full on chair dancing. He and Blake and CeeLo push their buttons all at once for the second three-way battle of the show. Adam likes it enough to give a standing ovation, even though this guy keeps spinning around and is a mortifying dad-dancer. Blake’s pitches are getting weaker. He needs to work harder at connecting with the contestants.Joins Team: Adam

Duos who didn’t make it package: um, we really wanted to see the “Work Out” girls. That looks amazingly awful. Not so much the “Disturbia” girls. Absolutely not on the “White Winged Dove” girls. Good grief.

Married couple who looked a LOT different 12 years ago when they met. Hey, he used to have a Christian rock band. Even though they only started doing this as a duo like five minutes ago, they’ve apparently given up a home, having a family, and that guy’s hair to do this. Xtina continues her Katy Perry obsession (this is the third addition to her team, if memory serves, who have impressed her with a Katy song) and pushes right away. Let’s see if being on The Voice leads them to get a divorce. Related: where the heck did that woman get her hands on a crimping iron? Thought we destroyed all of those after Reagan left office.Joins Team: Xtina because no one else was biting

This guy’s baseball dreams didn’t work out, so why not become a singer? Cue package of the National Anthem at Dodger Stadium in LA! OMG wait it’s a set up, thanks Carson (nice baseball cap)! Can’t imagine he saw that coming, what with The Voice camera crew following him around. He admits his singing style is more akin to karaoke than actual singing, so this should be amazing. He’s telling us about how high the stakes are for him, and yet he chose to wear a nylon vest. So…credibility bro. WOAH WOAH WOAH, you cannot make those faces while singing Usher. Don’t clown on a sexy song. Is The Voice’s after show going to follow Tyler around now that his dreams have been crushed?Joins Team: yeah no, that guy didn’t make the cut

Contestant: Liz DavisSings: Gretchen Wilson “Here For The Party” She fishes, she rides four wheelers, she’s got hair extensions and a Southern accent, y’all! She literally says to Carson, “I’m such a country girl and I love to honky tonk.” You might be over-selling it. She’s got a powerhouse voice though and gets Xtina and Adam to turn around — this may be Xtina’s first bid for a country artist EVAR. It took an extended note for Blake to push but just before time runs out he joins the party. But he decides he wants her badly enough to brandish his big shiny country music award and calls Adam & Xtina’s pitches a “barrage of crap.” Final note: her necklace is great.Joins Team:Blake

Contestant: JR AquinoSings:Bruno Mars “Just The Way You Are” And now for an Alaskan! And a YouTube sensation (allegedly)! Haha, he’s got more subscribers on YouTube than Coldplay. His mom is a little scary with the yelling but it’s all from love so cool. Xtina spends some time psyching Adam out and chair dancing but as soon as she pushes he’s on it. This guy is one of the few who don’t totally butcher Bruno Mars, although he doesn’t quite nail the high notes. CeeLo has an internal debate and pushes at the last second. DRAMZ! Best part: CeeLo asks if there are a lot of clubs in Anchorage. YEAH OBVS.Joins Team: CeeLo…wait what?

Ooh and now an exclusive look at Xtina’s new video for “Your Body.” She’s looking very Ke$ha mixed with a Bratz doll.

Contestant: Regina AlverezSings: Vicki Sue Robinson (or Gloria Estefan if you prefer) “Turn The Beat Around” Notice how Carson’s trips across the country to surprise contestants involve never leaving California? Toluca Lake is in Los Angeles people. TV magic! So Regina has had two record deals and released a Latin album. She lost her record deal, her dad lost his job, they lost their house — this may be the sobbiest sob story of the night. So she makes an odd song choice that seems to throw everyone (and wears Cher’s favorite outfit from the ’70s) and, while CeeLo debates pushing, no one does. Blake apologies and says they’re all stupidheads.Joins Team:sob story

Contestant: Nicholas DavidSings: Ben E. King “Stand By Me” This guy has a lot going on in the hair department. Full beard. Ponytail. He was in a country band and became a big drinker, which lead to a big weight gain. But then he found love in a hopeless place and now he’s got two kids and here we are on The Voice rocking a full beard and a jacket with elbow patches! And he sounds a heck of a lot like James Taylor (the judges say Aaron Neville). Blake is eating it up but CeeLo is the first to push. Xtina may be taking a nap. Srs tho, why didn’t Blake push? Joins Team: CeeLo, Lady Bird approved

Contestant: Alessandra GuercioSings:Miley Cyrus “The Climb” Here we have a kid from the Fame school, so her life is basically like Glee all the time right? How did she get out of school for this anyway! Adam turns around even though she’s singing a Miley Cyrus song. In fairness, her voice is beautiful. But seriously, isn’t she going to have to go to classes at some point? Because Adam’s picks are never just Adam, CeeLo also pushes just as she’s wrapping up. Not sure if CeeLo is stoned here or just freaked out by her being 17.Joins Team: Adam

Underaged kids package: for real, don’t these kids have to go to school? Isn’t it legally required? Each judge picks up a girl under 18.

He’s a DANCER, it’s in the family. Singing is the back up plan, but since Color Me Badd broke up and boy bands don’t dance anymore he decided to go for it. He’s got a stellar voice though, so Xtina, Adam and CeeLo spin around pretty quick. Blake gets in the mix too, although he doesn’t have a shred of a prayer, after Avery nails a note that can’t be denied. It’s a compliment fest from the judges — they don’t even get bitchy with each other, just on and on about his amazing talent. Accurate, ladies & gents this is tonight’s ringer.Joins Team: CeeLo