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Thursday, April 19, 2012

Laws don’t fucking apply to Bros. We do what we want, whenever the fuck we want to do it, and you better fucking believe we get away with that shit, too. Why? Because our Fathers will fucking sue the living pants off anyone that tries to give us any shit. While currently, the Bro Hater that is society has put laws against buying, selling or holding #70 weed, bros don’t give a fuck. I mean, what’s the worst that can happen? Throwing that shit out? Motherfucker please, that’s not gonna stop us. You see, with Weed, much like with everything else, Bros need a fucking challenge. We’re not like some loser, content to spend his meaningless life married to some fucking heffer, working some shitty job just so he can afford to feed his wife whatever the fuck fat bitches eat – probably goats lowered to them like the T-Rex’s feeding in “Jurassic Park.” Sure it’s fun to get high as shit and watch Adam Sandler movies before he decided to stop being funny, but where’s the fucking adventure in that? Bros need to experience life to it’s fullest, and that’s why we get fucking high as shit at inappropriate times.
There’s a big difference between Bros and Potheads. Bros don’t go around basically in a Weed-worshiping religious cult praising the magic herb for all the fucking wonders in the World. And Bros don’t smoke weed to “become one with nature” either. Fuck that. Oh, really? You’re a Rastafarian? Which side of Jamaica is fucking Fairfax, Virginia on? Bros smoke weed for one reason and one reason only: to get fucked up. While legislation has passed in support of groups that promote Terror on Bros for our Public Drunkenness, those fucking Fat Cats in Washington still can’t detect us getting high as shit. Here’s a couple fun places some might consider “inappropriate” to get high.

Class – There’s no place worse for a Bro to act like the fucking Bro he is than Class. I mean, what the fuck is the point of even going to Class? To get good grades and a job? Umm, I don’t know if you knew this, but we’re fucking rich as shit. I’m pretty confident we’re getting jobs. But still for some reason, we need a fucking diploma. I honestly can’t wait until all this shit is like “Gattaca” where they just place us in high paying jobs because of our perfect DNA. Unfortunately, in our current Pre-Bro Rights World, we have to actually show up for this shit. Getting drunk for Class is always fucking amazing, but honestly, when I’m drunk I don’t want to be listening to some tool ass professor drone on and on about bullshit like European History that I’ll NEVER FUCKING USE – I want to be grinding on some fucking pussy! Thank God there’s weed. Weed makes time fly the fuck by, not to mention it makes everything a shitload funnier. My favorite place to show up high in College was Women’s Studies class. (That’s right, I took a Women’s Studies class, mostly just to argue, but also because there were always a shitload of hot girls in it.) Anyways, that shit was better than The fucking Hangover! Every girl would try to make a case about how Women are equal to Men and I’d just fucking laugh hysterically. Yeah I got kicked out of class a couple times, but I didn’t give a fuck. At least I got credit for fucking showing up.

Around Family – You know what the worst time is? Fucking Family Time. I mean, let’s be honest, if Bros didn’t get a shitload of cash, presents, and inheritance from their parents, they probably wouldn’t even fucking call them. So, when they demand you come to dinner on a night where you won’t even be getting a fucking gift, you better believe we’ll smoke up for that shit. Honestly, your parents should feel fucking honored to be in your presence and it shouldn’t matter that your eyes are bloodshot and you don’t say a word as you try to shove your entire meal into your mouth at one time like you’re Christina Aguilera stuffing herself into an outfit from 2003. If they wanted you to actually be sociable, they should’ve probably thought about that before forcing you to come to dinner with them.
As we approach a day that symbolizes a “Fuck You” to the people who make the bullshit laws we’re forced to abide by, let’s all take a moment to just appreciate the fight we’re fighting. We’re Bros – we choose to smoke weed not because we’re fucking Potheads, but because it fucks us up. Sure they might have tools to tell how drunk we are, but I fucking DARE them to arrest me for eating an entire box of E.L. Fudge cookies in the Grocery Store aisle. I DARE them to kick me out of Easter Sunday Mass for laughing violently during the part where people pray for their dead family members. I fucking DARE them to tell me to stop being a Bro. Happy #115 420 Bros.

15 comments:

Great post, NYB, couldn't agree more. One Friday afternoon one of my bros and I were drinking as usual but got a little bored and decided to make a trip to Federal Center here in DC to smoke up in front of the bro-hater government buildings in broad daylight as people were leaving work. We got some great reactions from the employees and were gone by the time police showed up. Fuck the haters.

I went to high school graduation baked off my ass. Shook the principal's hand and gave him a shit eating grin as he handed me my diploma. The horrified look on his face was priceless - my eyes were redder than a used tampon and I smelled like the inside of Snoop Dogg's car. Bros don't give a fuck.

last week at my friends wedding, after dinner, they were having a break before some speaches and shit, so i went up to the room to hit some railz. pure columbian, real gangster shit bro. any fuckn ways, went up to the room, got racked, smoked a joint to bring me down a bit, spritzed some cologne, went back to reception, thank fucking god i just missed the slide show, but i sat back down thinking it was time to get wasted, but it was more speeches. i sat there for 30 minutes high as fuck, talk about inappropriate

Me and a few friends smoked a couple bags before our Fraternity's elections. One guy was running for the position of treasurer (against several far more qualified people) and he began his speech went like this, "I'm gonna keep this short because I'm high as fuck and have to take a massive shit. Elect me as treasurer and I'll do good things." You damn well better believe he won that