this is what happens when you dump everything out and start over

Monthly Archives: May 2013

I bought a new pair of sunglasses, awesome, sort of a dark brown frame, simple, not too big, wouldn’t get caught in my hair, I have lost them. I also have a naturopath remedy for anti anxiety, just a chapstick size vial of pellets, which took some effort to get into, how does that work… an anti anxiety that makes you anxious trying to open it… Anyhow, I outsmarted it, and got into the thing, but have now lost 2. I am not focused and organized like I usually am.
I have managed to sleep in, nearly on a daily basis, actually causing me more anxiety. However… a small victory, I had new lashes done and have not cried in 48 hours. It’s been close… super close, tears filling my lower lids and brimming, nose starting to sniffle… but somehow I MIRACULOUSLY held it together.
I had a lunch meeting, and was offered a new opportunity. A great guy, previous coworker, doing something that I have no experience doing. Scary… and another thing causing some anxiety. What the heck am I going to do with my life? We chatted a bit, and he said no pressure, it’s something I should thing about, and It’s obviously I’m going thru some “stuff” We talked about the amount of pressure that is on people in their early 30’s. External and internal. Like we should know better, have a plan, shit… crying now… I know what I want, but is it really what I want? Honestly… and you can judge if you would like to, I know this does not sound healthy… I want to be needed and loved. Vanessa sent me a personality test, I don’t feel I need to divulge all the details, But there were veins of truth in this exercise.

Type 2 – Helper
At my best, I am warm, enthusiastic and energetic, and I am generous with my time and material goods. I empathise easily with other people’s feelings and needs and I have the ability to show aspects of myself that will be most appealing to them (I’m quite proud of that). In ‘one to one’ relationships I can be romantic and expressive.

Unfortunately, I can become too giving and get trapped by being indispensable to too many people. I unconsciously manipulate in order to get people to respond to me ( I give and expect to get back ) and I get highly emotional and accusatory if I feel neglected – there is often a confusion in my own mind about what my own needs really are.

I long to be free of all this doing and hate being controlled by others needs or feeling dependent on them.

Good relationships are important to me and I work hard to make them happen.”

So what does this all mean, and where does one start to address fundamental personality traits? The entire process is completely overwhelming. In addition to missing Goldylocks like crazy, considering a career change, and likely with that a move, and all the changes that will come with that… It feels like my last 2 years has been a stop-gap. An exercise in just getting thru, and I am desperate for some concrete. Someone or something that wants to stay. And again I’m headed straight to an external source… I have to make myself feel better. On my own. Improve my physical and mental health. One of the websites had the following suggestions for personal growth;

“Personal Growth Recommendations
for Enneagram Type Twos

First and foremost, remember that if you are not addressing your own needs, it is highly unlikely that you will be able to meet anyone else’s needs without problems, underlying resentments, and continual frustration. Further, you will be less able to respond to people in a balanced way if you have not gotten adequate rest, and taken care of yourself properly. It is not selfish to make sure that you are okay before attending to others’ needs—it is simply common sense.
Try to become more conscious of your own motives when you decide to help someone. While doing good things for people is certainly an admirable trait, when you do so because you expect the other person to appreciate you or do something nice for you in return, you are setting yourself up for disappointments. Your type has a real danger of falling into unconscious codependent patterns with loved ones, and they almost never bring you what you really want.
While there are many things you might want to do for people, it is often better to ask them what they really need first. You are gifted at accurately intuiting others’ feelings and needs, but that does not necessarily mean that they want those needs remedied by you in the way you have in mind. Communicate your intentions, and be willing to accept a “no thank you.” Someone deciding that they do not want your particular offer of help does not mean that they dislike you or are rejecting you.
Resist the temptation to call attention to yourself and your good works. After you have done something for others, do not remind them about it. Let it be: either they will remember your kindness themselves and thank you in their own way or they will not. Your calling attention to what you have done for them only puts people on the spot and makes them feel uneasy. It will not satisfy anyone or improve your relationships.
Do not always be “doing” for people and above all do not try to get people to love you by giving them either gifts or undeserved praise. On the other hand, do not pointedly withdraw your service when others do not respond to you as you would like. Do not make what you do for others depend on how they respond to you. Help others when they ask for it, especially helping them to become more capable of functioning on their own.”

These are all blanket statements, and are not tailored to my specific results, I need to shop for a therapist, and organize myself, losing things constantly is frustrating. I can’t claim to be taking care of myself if I’m doing a poor job of meeting even basic physical needs, eating, cleaning etc.
Seems like an insurmountable task… To quote Vanessa this self work, and anxiety is “Hard as fuck my love, I’m not gonna lie. Hard as fuck” Well said V.

Currently, I feel better. I am cozy at starbucks with a half sweet, decaf hazelnut machiatto. I just spent a little over 2 hours at the gym. Likely not the best option for sustainable mental health…
But exercise is definitely mood elevating. So are cake pops.
I awoke early this morning, feeling anxious, but stayed in bed, I don’t want to cook, or fold laundry, or do the dishes, all these tasks seem futile. I am depressed. I stepped on a scale this morning, 182, so I should be happy as it’s another loss, but I still feel anxious, and I realize I’m running late for my naturopath appt. Shit… I throw on some clothes and drive down, it worked out as they were a little late opening up. I cried, before 9am, and for my 10 min B-12 shot appointment. It’s kinda my go to move, crying… mad? sad? happy? touched? tuesday? Might as well cry. I found a box of tissue in my car, so I needlessly used my gym socks last week. The box is now sitting smugly on the passenger seat for easy access. My naturopath said the anxiety goes with depression like peanut butter and chocolate. She gave me some green tea extract tablets, and a couple counsellor cards. I was crying, she told me to take my adrenal stimulators, maybe less if they make me anxious, but to take them to elevate my mood. She also laughed at me, and gave me a big hug. She said it is more difficult to help someone access their emotions, and cry, then deal with problems, my incessant crying is healthy. I will feel better. I have a real appointment next week, and there’s a distinct possibility I will cry… haha…I’m a sure thing…
The candicin (sp?) I’ve been taking has helped I don’t crave sugar or bread, actually, I need to get my starbys half sweet or less, there is no way I could make it thru a tall frappacino. I feel more like I’m in my own body, losing the 3 inches off my belly that I was packing around. Thank goodness… I just can’t get a grip on this emotional roller coaster. I need to remember I have a hormone imbalance, and some un-delt with issues.
I was feeling sorry for myself sitting in the office today, I hate sitting in the office by myself, but I was in there today using my daily kleenex quota. One of my reps came in sat down and stated, “you aren’t yourself…” I started to cry, and surprisingly stayed settled in his chair looking at me, waiting for an explanation. I spilled the beans, goldy, the naturopath, general depressed feeling. He was surprisingly sympathetic, understanding even, he has had issues with his thyroid. He says to me, you will feel crazy, for a few weeks at least, cut yourself a break. And you should go talk to someone, it’ll make you feel better. So there you have it. Unanimous decision…Therapy.
I have an amazing support group, Mrs D sending me some incredible texts, insightful and thoughtful, you are sunshine, and I appreciate you. Other texts, and calls reminding my I am loved, I even had a surprise package in the mail, chocolate, smelly felts and a new CD! I will not be a morose mother f**ker for long… I am excited and scared for some therapy. I need to take better care of myself, thinking today at the gym, maybe it’s time to re-introduce myself to 30 minutes of time, daily, just for me. And I need to consciously eat well. Not doing the diet this week, honestly I can’t tell you what I have eaten, I am embarrassed. I will say that I have felt empty, and likely because I was. Contributes to being tired, sad and crazy. I need to feed my body. There is no logical reason for me to punish myself. Apathy is not a good enough reason to not eat. Skinny and sad is not hot.

I cannot shake this… anxiety. I think I am depressed. Maybe it’s a hormone swing. I put a great deal of value on my personal relationships. I feel like I am so “take take” right now. Needy. I am going to seek out a therapist. My darling friend Mrs D is a therapist, texting today she stated that anxiety and depression are the best of friends, often traveling together. She forwarded an informative website and encouraged my decision to seek a therapist. She also recommended Bipolar screening, just to rule it out. Both Cherise and Vanessa had also suggested it could give me the tools to feel better. I have been focusing on my physical health, and my emotional health was being sweetened with Goldys affection, but I need to build a stronger foundation for myself. I cannot depend on another person for my feelings of satisfaction, fulfillment or love. My emotional health is dependant on my psychological well being. I need help with that, but I don’t want to constantly burden my friends and family. I did get someone to agree to a worry outsource experiment. I would take on one of her worries, and she would take on one of mine. I asked her to take on my worry that I would be alone, for a long time, and to worry that there were no single men in my age group that weren’t completely scarred and damaged. So now when I start to fret about it, I take a deep breath and instead dedicate my worry to her problem. If I can’t stop on my own… we have agreed to text one another so we can take over our respective worries. So far today I have worried for her 3 separate times. I wonder if it will help. Support in anxiety does help ease it some.
I did a poor job of dealing with the end of my long term relationship. I am placing all sorts of details and feelings onto this latest break up. My ex told me he would regret leaving, and so did Goldy. But Goldy needs to dedicate his time and energy to work, his kids and family. My ex dedicated his time to sports, and his friends. I was feeling so down, asking Cherise why these men would choose regret over working on things with me. She pointed out that Goldy had no choice, but my ex did, transference. I had cool girl syndrome for years, don’t want to invite me? It’s cool, I’m busy anyways… Now I need to stand up for myself, I need more, I’m not cool. And I deserve better. Life is better with me, on your side, in your corner. I need someone to recognize and match what I can put into a relationship. A partnership, I want one so desperately. I like to be needed, I have extra love to give, maybe because I haven’t been giving it to myself. My ex still texts me, on occasion, once or twice a month. It’s rarely earth shattering, small talk at best, and it leaves me feeling a mix of relief and irritation. It’s odd that I helped a man cope with a break up… with me, but I didn’t help myself. What does he want from me? I am not willing to give at my own expense anymore. I am angry, I’m angry Goldy only let me into a portion of his life, I feel like I wasn’t given a fair shot, of course I couldn’t give him a “feeling” Does a toy that takes 3 AA batteries work when you only put in one cell? No… it needs all 3 to give you the whirling flashing and buzzing. I know the majority of this anger is transference… I am angry my ex didn’t let me in his life, in 10 years I got maybe 2 batteries in the toy, it still wouldn’t work. He wouldn’t go to counselling, he wouldn’t adapt to keep me, he gave up on us, but still had the perk of having me a text away. And I let him… text me about how to cook salmon, how to fix the dent in his floor, reading his resume and cover letters while he was on a job search. Still putting him first, without reciprocation. I could blame him, but ultimately I let it happen.
After some thought, maybe I haven’t put all of the batteries in either, letting these men into all parts of my life. Really showing off my sparkle and shine, especially if depressed, or the listening to the negative self chatter that plays in the background.
I need to put myself first. Really, and look at my overall health, physical is just one aspect. Emotional and psychological are next on the list…

I am suffering. I feel insecure, and teary, rejected. It is all in my head, unfortunately that’s the only place it matters. I have shed 10 lbs in the last 2 weeks. Feel like I took off my middle fat suit. My body doesn’t feel like mine with that middle weight, and I am SO self conscious of it. I have always had an hourglass figure, tits and hips, my legs are shapely, I like my legs. Just this spare tire, and my back up chin… they have to go, and after that the upper arm wings… the grandma wings. Those make the list too. I hope the week of eating fast food and takeout doesn’t undo the gym time and meal portions. I have been especially mindful of getting extra veggies and watching portions. After eating healthy, I want to continue, it feels better. Not sure I’ll weigh my food when I get home, but regular meals, vegetable, protein with limited carbs, dairy and sugar. Little or no processed food. This may well be my eating disorder peeking thru the curtains, I will have to monitor the mania… and re evaluate, once I am super hotter… kidding, mostly.
I can’t help but feel like Goldy broke up with me, because I wasn’t in top form. CRAZZZYYYYYY. And insecure, this is not me. I felt like my ex and I broke up because I wasn’t enough… Or there was another girl… or I wasn’t hot enough. Transference and my own shit.
Yesterday my Dad and I went to the mall, I needed a jacket, and I think he was supporting my retail therapy, such a good dad! Wearing leggings and my favourite “Mr. Rodgers” sweater. I haven’t brushed my hair in a couple weeks, I’ve cried off most of my eyelashes, and I am not wearing a stitch of makeup. Boys were looking at me… Must be the boobs. But then I was standing outside the washroom waiting for my pops. A woman with a baby came over and stood beside me. The baby was a beautiful kid, big eyes, a dimple on the right and lots of long dark hair, maybe 7 or 8 months old. The baby watched me, smiled, the woman walked around to stand on the other side and the baby turned to keep her eyes on me. Still smiling. The woman looked down at her child, flirting with me and said “who’s that? Are you looking at the pretty girl?” It took everything I had not to give this complete stranger and her child a hug, That woman said I was pretty… and I held back tears. I found a jacket, and appreciated my Dads opinion about what looked good, we had a lovely tea, and watched the throngs of parents with children trudging thru the mall on a rainy thursday.
I packed hot shoes for this trip, and really should make it out for some adult time, I have neglected my friends every time I am in town, I just cant shake this sad. I could have gone on a date…
I have one Guy who has been e-mailing me since last fall. Well, periodically. It’s actually a little creepy how his timing has worked out. This man is tall dark and handsome, he is one of the few men I e-mailed first, and just because I thought he was pretty. I was trying to plow thru 40 dates, I could meet him for a drink on one of my visits… We e-mailed back and forth for a couple weeks, exchanged phone numbers, but I hadn’t texted, then I accidentally deleted his profile, our conversation, and his contact info. Dammit. Not terribly concerned about it, it was around the same time as #13. I came out for a visit a few weeks after #13 and this guy texted me out of the blue. When I was in town, and single. We couldn’t make our schedules work but we texted for a couple months, once or twice a week. He was planning a ski trip and we talked about meeting somewhere on my side of the rockies. Then I met Goldy, my day was filled with morning and night texts, I completely forgot about this other guy. I didn’t hear from him again until last sunday. A short and simple “sorry I’ve been so busy, work is crazy, how are things?” OK, so if he had texted me at any point while I was swooning over Goldy, I would have told him to beat it. His timing is remarkable. Not that I am done swooning over Goldy… I do really like him. I have so much to deal with, hormone dives and swoops, and so many other things that have been a long time coming to confront and clear… I’d probably cry on a date. I am simply not ready. If the roles were reversed, at this point I would be hurt. I need to work on me. But this guy has amazing timing, very serendipity… or maybe I have a cyber stalker…

After 3/4 of a box of tissue, an entire day lost and careful consideration, my melt down was a while coming. It was not a surprise to anyone who knows and loves me. I am suffering some transference. I need to resolve my issues with past relationships, instead of stuffing them down to make room for some new ones. Otherwise, when the new relationship fizzles or fails that rotten base erupts, and it stinks… I thought the year I spent single was me working on myself, but in actual fact I was numb and searching distraction.
I suffer from cool girl syndrome (thanks Karma, I love this expression). Well, no more. I should have stood up for myself with my Ex, MrNRN for sure, and #13 I should have been honest about the red flags. It will be a challenge finding the balance between being assertive and compassionate, I’m sure there is a way. Compassion is one of my finest qualities. It’s not something I want to ignore in myself.
I don’t want to start dating again… it’s just another distraction. I need to marinate in the loneliness. It is frustrating because I think I was built to be a wife. I thrive in long relationships, and I want to be pair bonded. I want kids around. I am tired of waiting. Although Goldy has repeatedly told me this isn’t a lack in me, or my qualities, I’m taking on some insecurities. This is another area I’m getting transference. Realistically, we spent 2 months together 3 months long distance and only allowed one another into a small portion of our whole lives. I am disappointed because I feel like I wasn’t given a fair shot, like the game was fixed. There is nothing I can do to change it, dissecting every moment, text message and conversation to try to figure out where I went wrong will do me absolutely NO good…
Insecurities… right, I went on a tangent… So a part of me wants to date again for the positive male attention. I want boys to tell me I’m pretty and smart and funny. So un-feminist of me. I need to find these things on my own, for myself.
I am glad I am headed to calgary, I’m going to spend a week with a man that loves me completely, (my nephew) and the rest of my amazing family. I am going to take a break from this crazy diet, I’ll make an effort to eat well, but I’m not packing my scale… and I’m going to eat some damn cheese. It’s hard to eat that much protein, and one gets tired of the chewing. It was effective, losing nearly 10lbs in 12 days, feeling stronger and firmer.
The progesterone and B-12 has helped me sleep, I bet today I could have even slept in! I had to peel myself out of bed for work. But I got my period a week early, (post meltdown) and with a vengeance. Heavy cramping and flo… like you needed to know. Hormone therapy may have contributed to the complete melt down…
I have to have faith that everything will unfold as it should… and remain realistic, yet positive. I appreciate the support from everyone, even Goldy sends me texts to check up on me… I know he cares for me… This made me smile… Thanks to my friend K, he sends me some great stuff!

I am in the middle of a full blown melt down. I just used a pair of gym sock to blow my nose. Actually I saturated a pair with tears and snot. I was struggling with my starbucks card, and the darling girl at the drive thru just game me my coffee. I had plans today… this was not in my plan…
This has been building for a while. P.S. hard to type while crying…
Ok starts with stress, work, and a shattering hormone panel, it peaks with Goldylocks. From what I understand, he likes me… but is just so stretched in his life, he has nothing left to give. I thought I could be cool with taking a step back, so we could both work on ourselves. I really like him, he is the most amazing stand up guy, and I don’t want to lose him…I want to fight for him, he makes me happy. Unless he’s too busy to send me texts in the morning, and at night… then I feel shattered… empty. That is giving someone else a lot of power in your life. It’s not healthy. He doesn’t need the pressure. He came over to chat the other night, and I sat across the table from him and bold faced lied. Said I could be good with whatever we had, “it is what it is” I was lying to myself. For the last 5 months he has been my every morning and night. Having a love affair with the sweet cheep of my text tone, smiling at my phone like someone with a brain injury. Unfortunately, I don’t give him that “feeling”, I know rationally that has nothing to do with me, but emotionally I am again shattered, shattered upon shattered, I’m feeling like a fine dust.
I worry that I am attracted to men that are unavailable. Emotionally, financially, physically. I tout how I enjoy my independence, but which came first? The desire to be alone and with friends? Or did I take comfort in those thing because I was so alone? A coping mechanism? I repeatedly said “I LIKE him” but I couldn’t say that I loved him. Had I stubbornly decided that because I liked him a relationship would work? With his daily texting I got more time and attention from him via my cell phone than I got from my ex when we lived together. Sometimes better still isn’t good enough? I want to be the one, Give and have that feeling. that rush of love, dopamine. I thought I might have found that, and I feel foolish now. Like I rushed into this, based on like. I really like him… But I’m going around in circles, soggy hurt circles.
The melt down started last night, I didn’t hear from him… thought I’m being silly, I need to just relax. I hit the shower, smeared on some makeup and went out

I clean up ok, felt a little funny heading out with no pants on. We went to the bar, with my clean eating, I was drinking water. It was some good people watching.
I came home, and climbed into bed, but didn’t sleep. Fretting about Goldy, and wondering if I just wan’t listening to what he was saying. He did mention it took a few weeks to get out of his last relationship because he didn’t want to hurt her feelings, was that happening here?
I woke up to go to the gym at 10 with Karma. At this point I have managed about 2 hours of sleep scattered between mind racing and sweating. This is not good for me.
There is no crying at the gym. But I am on the brink. She asked how the bar was, I started in on the 20 something boy that hit on me at the bar. She gave me some tough love. I joke how these “kids” hit on me, and I feel matronly. I am minimizing my attractiveness. Selling myself short. Karma said, “Stop making this a negative. A young man thinks you are attractive, you may never go there, but just take the compliment and leave it at that.” She also told me that if I was stuffing my emotions I wasn’t going to be able to exert myself with the work out. I was asking my body to take opposite actions simultaneously. Stuff and hold back emotionally, while exerting physically. I was an unfocused workout partner today. She was absolutely right. I held myself together, barely, making it thru the workout. I got to my car and exploded.
I messaged Goldy, facebook messaged him, as awful as that sounds, I was vulnerable and honest, It was heartbreaking, and so very hard. I am letting go. I can’t be cool. I want more than he is willing or able to give. At this point I feel so deflated. I drown the mini box of tissues in my car. I have plans to Starbucks blog and wander the market, I park my car and gather myself up to face the public. Unfortunately my volcano of emotion has blown and there is no hope of composure. I walk the block, and back, get back into my car and sob. Breath catching, deep sobs. No hope of breathing thru my nose, I have no kleenex left in my car, but I do have a pair of green and white socks sitting on the passenger seat. I am doing it, they were only worn for an hour… and snot is pouring out of my face. I use one sock, return some texts cancelling my plans and try to psyche myself up to drive home. I am going to make it to my half a couch and use up a box of tissue. I drive thru starbucks, sobbing heaving, starting in on my second sock. The regular starbucks girl is at the window, looks at me and says, “Can I make sure you are OK?” I am fumbling with my rewards card, and she simply says “screw that, please just take this” I sobbed out a thank you and blotted the tears with my sock so I could drive. By the time I was home, Goldy had messaged me back. I hope he finds what he is searching for, I am sorry it’s not me. At least not right now.
I need to deal with my hurt, over this, really over every other relationship I’ve had. I always remain friends, is that the best thing for me? I need to fill this empty feeling myself, with myself. I have a long hard road ahead,with a red chapped nose…

Oh sweet sweet dairy… this is my first latte in a week. short, skinny and sugarless. I didn't even go decaf! It is spectacular… regular latte with cinnamon sprinkled on top.
Ok, weighed this morning, and although feeling a little more svelte in the middle, I was skeptical about loss. 2 lbs was what I was hoping for… 186. I lost 6lbs last week. Wednesday to wednesday. Measurements, down an inch in the waist, half an inch on the hip. everything else was the same. 7 days of clean eating. No dairy, no sugar, limited wheat, I did eat 3 slices of bread in the morning over the week, I had to use it up… oh and greek yogurt the first 2 days, also to use it up. This latte is my second cheat, I had strawberries on day 5. I am tired of chewing, and I seem to be a bit of a pit. I no sooner finish eating my meal, and I could eat again. This is good, means I'm burning fat, and my metabolism is working. Also means the last 4 days I will incorporate a little more fruit. The naturopath said the B-12, because I was so low, likely won't feel for a another week or two of shots, and daily sublinguals. Same with the progesterone, I am sleeping more soundly, but I doubt I'll see the effects until I've made it thru a whole cycle. I have adapted to take my cortrex in the afternoon, about an hour before I head to the gym, and then I don't feel anxious.
Has the last 8 days been fun? Nope. Hard as hell, I wanted a drink a couple days ago, and my milk craving has been silly out of control. It's time consuming to prep 7 meals per day, and the chewing… I actually contemplated, and this will be disgusting… throwing the peppercorn pork tenderloin in my bullet along with some carrot juice in order to just pound it back without having to masticate it. Barf… I miss oatmeal in the morning, and fruit… but I can start bringing small portions back in. I could eat oatmeal…its just hard to cook such a small amount, and I refuse to eat instant oatmeal unless I am in dire need. Weighing your food, makes you feel a little psycho,,, but after a while you get a good feel for portion size. I haven't had an upset stomach, gas, or felt bloated in 4 or 5 days. I strongly suggest to anyone having issues, get a book on clean eating and give it a try.
Physically I'm feeling stronger, and leaner. Like my machine has been tuned up.

Emotionally, been a bit of a wreck. Over thinking, rethinking, fretting and spinning. Maybe because I have more energy… I should spend it on something awesome. I'm making self discoveries though, and working thru my crap. Pulling everything out of my "closet" and throwing out the junk that isn't mine. I'm working on reading a stress and relaxation work book that my dad gave me years ago, I just have been too stressed to put aside the time to read it… Irony!! Maybe all these tears are the hormones…? Hahahaha! Eventually I'll be unable to use that excuse. Vanessa… you have been my rock. I love love love your self awareness, and your kindness. The patience you have had listening to me circle issues and being supportive, administering tough love, and calling me on my bullshit too… I am grateful everyday for your love. Heaps of other texts, from many other loved ones, I am a lucky lucky girl. You are sunshine. Karma, immeasurably supportive with meal ideas, support to keep me focused and on track, and there is no crying at the gym… you are more emotionally supportive than you take credit for!
"Friends can help each other. A true friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself-and especially to feel. Or, not to feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at the moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to-letting a person be what he really is.
-Jim Morrison

I want greek yogurt, and earlier this afternoon I would have taken a bitch out for a latte. Not a flavoured latte, just for the milk. I cheated and ate 3 glorious strawberries with my 3rd meal, only supposed to have fruit on day 4, but I had a little less carb to make up for it. I eat all day, I can’t say I’m starving, every 2 hours a meal. I am tired of chewing… my last meal was 3.25 oz of turkey breast and 4 oz carrot juice, which I did in shots, simply because I don’t feel like chewing…
My knee is a little swollen so my fasting cardio was just a walk instead of an interval run. Karma and I had a good, very sweaty gym session and I topped it of with 25 min of easy cardio. I have one more meal to eat, but I don’t think I’ll get thru it. I have to take my progesterone on an empty stomach, 2 hours after my last meal.
I slept soundly for 10 hours last night. For the first time in months. It is likely a byproduct of the oral progesterone. And today I don’t feel as anxious. If I take my cortrex before the gym, it’s better. I had some interesting dreams, surprisingly about my ex. I guess drudging up feelings in order to deal with them has crept into my subconscious. I was telling off people, all over the place. My ex, the crazy girl that caused a pile of trouble when we first started seeing each other. I told them I was angry, that I didn’t deserve to treated like they treated me. I don’t know that I’ve ever written down what ended my 10 year relationship. Now is the time. I didn’t want to paint him the villain, he is a good man, and we have remained friends. I am a masochist. I did my best to help him thru the break up. It’s not normal, I didn’t move thru all the stages of grief. Why do I feel like we needed to remain friends? To prove to the world I am unique, forgiving? A higher plain of compassion? Perhaps it’s a lifetime of anger being an unacceptable emotion? Maybe it was a way of coping with the searing pain and rejection. Covering it up with a band-aid. Maybe my a-type self needs some result or product after 10 years of relationship? My mother said I learned and grew immeasurably. This is true, and as much as it hurt, him calling and texting, needing my advice and support post break up was strangely comforting. Ultimately bad for me…
So what happened? We led parallel lives. rarely did our paths intersect. He liked to keep his life compartmentalized. Family, friends, work and home all had separate circles. We didn’t do anything together, no mutual friends, He was marginally accepting of my family, and more often would make himself scarce. Last year was the first time in years I had a date for my birthday, he always had something else to do. I felt like I wasn’t good enough to be invited, was I an embarrassment? Was I no fun? Was I not hot enough? I took on issues that were clearly his, and disguised them as insecurities. With no shared activities, there was no intimacy, adding to my insecurities, and I went off birth control, gaining 20 glorious pounds… Which added another scoop to my feeling shitty sundae. He was home, watching TV, I would make dinner, go to yoga and then watch TV in the other room. I had a wedding to go to one saturday afternoon. Someone he knew, and I asked if he would come with me to make an appearance. One hour, I could drop off the card I had bought them, say some hellos and sneak out the side door. He refused.
I started a fight. We were on separate ends of the room, but we could have been on different planets. It seems like just yesterday… We argued, I cried, I think he muted the baseball game on TV but he didn’t shut it off. I asked “Are you happy???!!!” The answer was “No”.
We had spent the last few months living together, but we didn’t talk, I couldn’t even say that I had looked at him in days. We had become roommates. Our fight that night was cut short because I had a wedding to attend…We had no resolve. But we did agree that things weren’t working the way they were going. I suggested we consider couples counselling. I called a couple therapists, but they weren’t taking new couples. I asked him to pick out someone he would be comfortable with. We both had extended medical coverage and I asked him to look into it.
I was in the middle of changing jobs, and spending extra hours at work getting staffing and inventory sorted out, as well as trying to impress a new boss. Our intimacy improved slightly… we would hold hands at night when he came to bed.
Honestly, I was withdrawn, I poured myself into work. I would fantasize about throwing all of his stuff out on the lawn, I swung madly between despair and elation. While I was at work, He was out shopping. He came home one afternoon right after work and said we needed to talk. He had been out looking at apartments, and town houses. He had put an offer in on one, and it had been accepted. Accepted and he would have possession in 2 weeks. I wanted to throw up. I sat on our soon to be split sectional… and started to sob. He had to go to soccer so again we had no resolve. It was the second and last time I had or would ever see him cry…
We tossed around the idea of living together in the 600 sq foot apartment he had purchased. Living separately for a year and dating. I didn’t like the idea of going backwards, he didn’t like the idea of me moving into his new house. On top of it all, we had broken up before and spent a year apart. Seemed like we had a 4 year shelf life and we would end up in the same spot. I helped him move his stuff out of our house into his. He paid rent for an extra month and kept the bills in his name so I wouldn’t have to pay extra fees and deposits. We texted daily, and spent more time together than we had in months… but I couldn’t afford to stay in the 3 bedroom 2 bath apartment that we had shared. My moving would mean we were done. Finally finished. We still hadn’t gone to counselling, or addressed our issues. I was a mess. I stayed in that half empty apartment for 3 more months… It echoed. The first week he was gone I slept on the recently halved couch because I couldn’t lay in the bed. I cut off the cable, I couldn’t afford it, watching 30 rock online episode after episode. I was offered another job, in another town, and I needed a fresh start. So I gave my notice at a job I had landed just a few months earlier and started training at another one. I would work an 8 hour shift, get in the car, and cry for 45 min till I got to my other job, and then work another 6-8 hours. Every day. Truly was a catastrophe. Shattered. I felt betrayed. I felt like I wasn’t enough. I felt like a failure. I wish I could have been angry instead of sad.

Goldy asked me this a few weeks ago but I didn’t give him a concise answer… There are a few things I can think of off the top of my head, and those unfortunately do not translate into past relationships.
Typically I have dated tall dark and handsome men. A-type men, athletic, achievers, responsible. However, the physical size of shape of a can has absolutely no bearing on what is inside it. You could fall in love with the way a can is shaped, and how it feels in your hand, only to open in up to find sour mushy peas. No thanks…
I have now been on dozens of dates, talking to men of all shapes sizes, and walks of life. I know what I am looking for, and I’m going to try expressing it in black and white. That’s the premise of “the secret”, correct? Visualizing, or something…
I like Men. Not all women do. I like men who are clean, organized, I have no desire to pick up after a man like a child, or have to search thru a pile of tools to find a screw driver. A-Types, maybe because I am, and the need for order and cleanliness is a boarder line compulsion. OCD is going too far, and a little mess here and there is ok, but short term, not long term heaps and piles.
I like men who are independant and busy. I enjoy alone time, and girl time, I don’t want to feel guilty for going to the gym or for a girls weekend because they have nothing going on and need to me to entertain them. On the other side, I think it’s important to have some shared activities, intimacy develops with time together. But constant… it’s not for me. I think I would feel the constant attention, or being joined at the hip suffocating.
I like men who are driven, good at their jobs. I don’t think money is important, but making good financial decisions is attractive. I don’t want a man that spends all his money at the beerstore or the pub. I am not a big drinker, and I’m looking for the same. No smoking, I’m no doctor, but I’ve heard cigarettes are bad for you. The occasional cigar here and there is fine, but every day? No thanks, that is also not a good financial decision. No hard drugs, steroids, cocaine, party drugs, I have no problem if people want to do them, It’s just not for me, and with a-types, it can quickly deteriorate into addiction.
I am looking for a man that is compassionate, kind to animals, but not making out and tongue kissing his dog. Someone who is good with all animals, cats, dogs, whatever…I like animals, I just have no need for a pet, at this point.
I need a man that’s OK with crying. I cry, sometimes for no reason. Maybe that will improve once my hormones are balanced, maybe not. I cry during movies, I feel feelings, and I need someone who won’t shut down or avoid me. Hand me a tissue and rub my arm, It’s a go to thing for me to express my emotions, and I’m not a pretty crier, blotchy heaving sobs are normal. And then the puffy eyelids. Awesome.
I must have a man who likes kids. Wants or has kids. A man who would embrace raising a child as their own regardless of the genetic matter. This is more important to me this week than it was a few months ago. Not every person is able to raise someone else’s kid as their own without favouritism, I’ve seen people treat step kids differently, and I think it is disgusting. This is more important to me now because I may not be able to conceive (a whole other blog post, one that I won’t tackle until I’m ready to use up a box of kleenex)
Now… this puts me in a bit of a pickle… a man that has kids will have less time. I have had a few heated conversations with friends about how I DESERVE to be put first. Well, my parents put us kids first. unquestionably. I was supported, loved and showered with attention, no reasonable need, or even want was ignored. I believe that a good man will put his kids first. And that is where they should be, top of the list. That selfless demonstration is so appealing. If you are dating and you need to come first, date someone without children. It is important to me that I don’t rush into meeting the kids, because I like a man that is thoughtful and protective of his loved ones, and I get attached… quickly, I like kids, and when you break up with a man that has kids, you are also breaking up with the kids, which can be so very hard on them, and the family unit. I put myself first, (at least I should be) I don’t need or want someone else to. It’s not healthy, I think a top 3 or even 5 is reasonable for my needs. You may not agree… that’s fine, everyone has different needs.
I would prefer a man with varied musical tastes, a guy who likes to go out on occasion, maybe some live music, or fun events. Willing to try new things, and share their passions with me. I like movies, and sometimes just chilling, not a sit on the couch every night type but a night in, cozy in house pants. I don’t want to babysit a man at social events, while he gets drunk, starts an argument, talks over other people, or will only speak to others in his demographic.
I like someone who is strong, but I tend to prefer men who are lean, Puffy chest and arms, don’t generally do it for me, I like the lines, not the bulk. A guy who takes care of himself, but isn’t entirely vapid and shallow. Someone who knows that things are just that, objects. Work out, brush your teeth, trim your beard, but please don’t spend 2 hours in the mirror every morning, I’ll sneak out and leave you alone, with yourself, and you probably won’t even notice I’m gone…
I like to cook, I like to bake, I like to grocery shop. I know, odd. I need a man who likes to eat. And with a varied pallet. I think eating healthy is important, vegetables, fruits, lean protein, but please please, eat cookies! I enjoy baking them. Eating fast food, sometimes ok, but someone with a steady McDicks diet? Not good. Again, variety and balance.
It’s important a man is close to his family, loves his mother, and his father, no one always gets along with their siblings & spouses, but for the most part, a man who is close to his family. I am close to mine, I think they are important. I have a varied friend base that has become family, I like to see that in another person, a few friends that they’ve had for years, decades even, and a few new friends too.
I like a man who is at least tolerant if not accepting of other peoples life styles. Someone who see’s people for what they have to say instead of what they look like. My mother wears coveralls, they work for her, and she, as a grown up, (although sometimes you’d never believe it) can wear whatever she damn well pleases. A man who would sneer at or judge my mother for her fashion choices is not for me. That shallowness tied to the car someone drives or what they wear isn’t going to be helpful when the zombie apocalypse comes. I think it also shows an insecurity.
I need someone genuine, helpful and funny. I must have someone smart. I have no desire to explain things to someone again and again, and if I can outsmart someone I will manipulate, perhaps not intentionally… maybe intentionally… I would take advantage…
I need someone with a moral compass. Ethically aware of right and wrong, and leans towards the right. Integrity. I want a real stand-up type.
Easy going, but not a pushover. Someone who can roll with the punches but wont take crap. I want someone to call me on my bullshit. Intuitive would be amazing, someone with emotional intelligence.
Someone who will do thoughtful things, remember what I was doing, or who I was seeing and ask about them. I enjoy being thoughtful of others, it makes me who I am. I’ll remember to send a text on your anniversary, or ask how your grandmas Dr. appt went. And I don’t remember these things to keep score or win favours, but because I care, and I like to help. I would appreciate some reciprocity with that.
I want someone who finds me attractive, sexy, unbrushed hair, no make up and all. I don’t want to have to put on a show, hair make up costume in order to get some action. I want to get some action regularly. Healthy sex drive, because sex is essential for pair bonding…
Wow… I don’t ask for much do I?

More specifically a cup of fruit. That is what I was allowed, spread out over my 7 meals. I think I may have turned the corner… I made it thru all the meals yesterday. Today I woke up, ate, and an hour and a half later, was hungry again. I did a little work at home, and then went to ironman 3. Karma suggested I pack a meal. Brilliant because half way thru I was hungry again. Scrambled eggs, spinach, tomato and half of a glorious avocado. I LOVE avocado. Today is the only day of 4 we can eat them. Finished with 1/4 cup blueberries. Felt a little odd eating with a plastic fork out of a container smuggled in my purse while at the movies, but it was delicious. I am now 1/3 of the way done my “cleanse” I would love to have some dairy, Cheese, yogurt. Sugar is still a craving, but I just drank some carrot juice, and it seemed really sweet. Amazing. It was hard to drink the 3oz.
My emotional state is not so great. I’m tearful. I want to cry, I feel anxious. In addition today is a rest day. The way I have dealt with anxiety, was to exercise, go for a run, go to hot yoga, or work out. Physical stress to replace emotional. Today I’m stuck. I need to wallow in it. I have to be angry, sad, anxious and cope with feeling that way and healing, instead of distraction.
I feel like I’ve been playing the same video game for the last 2 years, and I keep getting to the same point, but I can’t defeat the bad guy to move to the next level. It is frustrating.
I want to go to the next level. I felt like I went backwards, and now I have nothing. This is absolutely untrue. I rationally know I have my fabulous self, amazing friends, a decent job, and a place to live, food to eat etc. But today I feel empty. Maybe it’s the hormones. I bought more kleenex, I may embrace the crying, have a hot bath, put on the notebook and plow thru a fresh box. Pity party table of one.