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raindrops_on_my_soul

Every once in awhile I feel like venting. I think today is one of those days for me. Lately I've been thinking about the choices I've made in my life. I became a mother at a very young age and I totally invested myself in the role as mom. I stayed home and never pursued a career or anything else because I felt like being there for them was the right thing for me to do. Now of course that they're grown and have been for quite some time ( they're both in their 30s ) I realize I should've made it less about them and more about me. At least that's how it feels. Perhaps if I had I wouldn't feel this emptiness that I now feel. My relationships with them have not turned out the way I hoped and expected they would. I don't expect a lot but I don't even get the bare minimum. My oldest son that lives out of state never has my two granddaughters to interact with me on any level. No calls, no photos. Simply nothing in spite of my requests for those things. I've asked so many times in the past with promises that he would make an effort to see that these things happen but they were just empty words. I gave up on that and never ask anymore because I got tired of it. My youngest son is nearby and I see him once every week or two but only because I make the effort. He rarely makes contact on his own and isn't much of a talker. I don't feel valued even though I sacrificed so much. I stayed married to their father for many years because even though he was a sorry excuse for a person I felt stuck and didn't want to have my kids deal with a broken family. I did finally divorce him when my youngest was a teenager and remarried my now husband a few years later. Now that I'm beginning to get a little older ( turned 50 this year ) I realize that all the investing I've done in other people has gotten me nowhere. My husband and I get along and love one another but he works nights and sleeps during the day. This makes planning and doing things really hard. My in laws are impossible people to deal with and I wrote them off and haven't had anything to do with them for over a year now because I got tired of enduring their rude comments and jabs that I overlooked for years. They hate my presence in my husbands life and I am now done with them. My parents are both deceased and I miss them a lot. I miss being able to go see them or just picking up the phone and talking to my mom. Life sure isn't the same. I think I just feel lonely and people are let downs and I don't feel anyone knows or cares about it. I just wish I had invested in more things that weren't people related and I'd be better off now. Maybe it's because I feel the best years are behind me even though they weren't that great. I just don't feel like the same person anymore, been through too much. Hopefully writing about it will be cathartic. Thank you for allowing me a place to vent.

Hi, r., Oh, I know the feeling. Have tripped over my 'garden variety' expectations many times. I do know that, for me, where I focus is my experience of life. For that reason, I refuse to give my thoughts 'equal time'.

Hi R! I think we all know about those visits to what I now call "the abyss" because once I let my mind take me there it sucks me right in and steals everything good from my life by filling me full of self pity. Of course I deserve better, of course I did everything I could for my DS, of course he should want to bring his children by to see me, of course he should remember me on Mother's Day and other special days but he didn't. For years I spent my time in the abyss, talked to everyone about how horribly my DS/DIL were treating me and everyone agreed. Everyone felt sorry for me. Eventually everyone wanted to avoid me because it was all I could talk about and think about and it made me into a wet rag (you know, a party killer). I couldn't blame them, heck I wanted to avoid me too!

Then one day from the bottom of the abyss I decided that I deserve better. I worked hard to get to where I am and I deserve to be happy so I looked around and found the things in my life that make me happy. I found my DH. I found my other DS. I found my sister. I found my hobbies (camping, canoeing, hiking, and recently I tried zip lining!). I started enjoying my life and every time my mind wandered toward the abyss I would force it away by thinking of something I enjoyed. I adopted sayings like "No news is good news" and "Not my circus, not my monkeys" and I said them to myself every time I thought about my DS's situation. It took a long time, but eventually I got strong enough to stay away from the abyss and eventually my DS figured out what I knew about my DIL. He had his own lessons to learn and he honestly could not learn them with me interfering because he blamed everything that happened on my interference. Once I was out of the picture he had to blame the proper person and since I wasn't there........well, you get the idea.

There does come a point in our children's lives when they have to take responsibility for themselves but they have blamed us for every thing bad that has happened to them. The only way we can get them to accept the blame is to step out of the picture. We are Moms, stepping out of the picture is very difficult for us. It is the last big lesson that we have to teach our children, like pushing them out of the nest. Some of us are lucky enough to have them come back, some of us are not. Our job now is to be happy. We finished parenting now we can live our lives for ourselves.

Good Luck!!!

Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seedsYou can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.Author unknown

Hi all. For some reason, it's a venting day for me, as well. Haven't been to this site for awhile because, actually, I've been feeling pretty strong lately. (It took 5 years of therapy but definitely coming along. I have the usual DS/DIL issue that many ladies on this site seem to have.) But despite making strides, every once in a while, I can't get my DS out of my mind. So, I know what you mean. I also always put myself last while raising DS. The only thing I can offer is that we can learn from that, and appreciate the life we have now. That's the only reality we have, and we have to make the best of it. Easier said than done, I know. We need to be kind to ourselves when we feel like venting, though, and not hold things inside. I know friends and family are burned out from listening to me talk about this, and I never feel like they really "get it". Thank goodness for this site and hope you're all having a better day today, Raindrops. This too shall pass.

Yes, for me it was years before I didn't have an occasional Venting Day. At first every day was one, then as I turned toward what I wanted to create for myself and spent less time experiencing what others attempted to create for me...I started to get 'breathers' from what Still Learning so aptly calls 'the abyss'. Now, it's a 'Once Upon a Time' story and I'm free! Love you guys...

i am glad i came into this"venting" thread. it is the opening of the school year where we live and all over social media i see pictures of kids on the first day. i called my son to talk to my grands and wish them a good first day - no answer. i emailed and texted and called again. i texted at the end of the school day to please let them know that we were thinking of them. no response. my heart is heavy again. it is so hard on these important days to be left out. there is no understanding and i am lost in my unworthiness thoughts again. i knew if i came here i would find others and suggestions.i will find something to occupy my day and try again to move on.

Ain't that the truth! It's "one step forward, 2 (or what feels like 2 miles) back" but hopefully as Luise rightly put it, the relapses will become less and we in turn can heal. Hugs to you and all (who like me) is having one of those backward moments 😥 Xx