Monday, February 7, 2011

67kg

'67.1 kg.' she read out loud to me.'Ugh.' I said climbing down from the cold glass scales.'What are you ugh-ing about? Just 7 more kilograms!' she said excitedly. 'That was your goal right?'Truth is I never had a goal. Four months ago, I got on the scales and I didn't like what I saw. I couldn't believe it. I was 88kg. The highest I'd ever been in my life. I was never skinny but I was ok with that. I liked being curvy. But I wasn't curvy anymore like I was in High School. I was fat. The only reason it didn't show that much was because of my height.'You're 5 foot 10! You're not fat! Just big.' she said to me constantly. And some days I believed it. But other days... not so much. But I couldn't let anyone know. I'm confident. I exude confidence. How could I let anyone know that I felt fat sometimes? The thought of people knowing was scarier than attempting to lose weight.And then there was the pressure.

"You should exercise.""You'll keel over and die."

Blah blah blah. On and on and on. I knew it was all true. But exercising meant agreeing that I felt fat sometimes. And I was not willing to admit it.

Four months later, here I am. I've lost 21kilograms. 46 pounds. And I did it all by myself. Me. No one motivated me. No one made me. No one forced me. And I did it for me. Me.

I still have 7 more kilograms to lose. But if I don't I'm happy where I am. I look at myself a lot now and think 'Damn, is that really me? I look just like I did in High School.'So what's the problem?I can't get over it. And then there's the fear that comes when I eat too much. The fear that I'll wake up the next morning and be 88kg again. Or that I'll stop exercising and I'll just be fat again.I can't get over how much everyone tells me how much weight I've lost. I feel like I was a big elephant before. Sometimes they walk past me and when I say hi they say they didn't recognize me. Hmm.