Unfulfilled Wishes

Unfulfilled Wishes

I love the Rocky Mountains. I love Glacier National Park in Montana, and I love Estes Park west of Denver. There’s nothing like climbing in the mountains, smelling the fresh mountain air infused with pine trees, feeling at one with nature, and enjoying the view as you climb higher and higher.

I especially love the Rocky Mountains in Canada, including Banff, Lake Louise, and Jasper. If you’ve never driven along the Columbia Ice Fields Parkway which borders the glaciers in Alberta, you need to put it on your bucket list.

So when Andy and I got engaged to be married, it was natural that we would schedule our honeymoon in the Canadian Rockies. My husband-to-be also loved hiking and climbing, and we made reservations at the famous Fairmont Chateau on Lake Louise.

We purchased tickets to the Calgary rodeo. We had hiked and biked in the Smoky Mountains during our engagement, and we couldn’t wait to start our active married life together.

We had hiked and biked in the Smoky Mountains during our engagement, and we couldn’t wait to start our active married life together.

Both of us were 27, we both had started careers, and we seemed to have the world at our feet. The future possibilities seemed limitless. We dreamed of living and working in Colorado, spending active weekends hiking or biking in the mountains, and eventually having four children.

The future possibilities seemed limitless.

That’s not what happened. Through an unforeseen set of freak circumstances, I became permanently disabled by excruciating pain a week before we got married.

We barely got me through the wedding, and we had to cancel our honeymoon. As for physical intimacy, that was hugely altered from what we had hoped for. Andy wrestled with the fact that expressing love for me was actually dangerous for my well-being. Even though it wasn’t my fault, I felt guilty.

Even though it wasn’t my fault, I felt guilty.

That first year, as we look back, was traumatic for both of us. Indeed, we don’t remember a whole lot of it, other than a blur of doctor visits, multiple diagnostic tests, a failed attempt at returning to work, and overwhelming pain.

Not exactly newlywed bliss. Nothing that we’d experienced in our lives up until then really prepared us for it.

But we had each other.

That first year together, we clung to each other. In the midst of overwhelming questions and uncertainty, we became best friends. We thought we had been best friends when we were doing all the active things together, but we found an even deeper level of relying on each other when we were helpless and vulnerable together.

We found an even deeper level of relying on each other when we were helpless and vulnerable together.

And we had God … our faith in Him reminded us that He had a future figured out for me, for us, even when we didn’t have answers. We prayed more that first year than we ever had before.

23 years later, we haven’t realized our original dreams. We didn’t have four children, but I did have four major back surgeries. We don’t hike mountains or live an active lifestyle–I am still disabled by severe pain and largely homebound.

But we have found contentment together, and we laugh about things together, and we have managed to raise one amazing teenager together.

We prayed more that first year than we ever had before.

We are still best friends, because we’ve been through crazy levels of pain together, and God has shown us a way to thrive. We found adapted ways to express love through physical intimacy.

I’m not saying we’re always in harmony. Like every other married couple on the planet, we argue and let each other down at times. God helps us find a way to forgive each other and come back to love again.

I miss the mountains; I miss adventure; I don’t like being disabled. I’ve discovered that I don’t have to get everything I want to have a meaningful life and a fulfilling marriage. Thankfully, Andy agrees.

And if all we have is an afternoon in the back yard, hanging out together, talking, sharing life with each other, then that’s enough.

I’ve discovered that I don’t have to get everything I want to have a meaningful life and a fulfilling marriage.

After all, one of Andy’s favorite role models is Dietrich Bonhoeffer.

“Wishes to which we cling too tightly can easily rob us of some of what we can and indeed ought to be. By contrast, wishes we repeatedly overcome for the sake of our present tasks make us richer. One can have a fulfilled life despite numerous unfulfilled wishes.”

― Dietrich Bonhoeffer

——————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Through struggles and joys every marriage can use a weekend of renewal. Join us for Rock Your Marriage and strengthen your marriage this weekend. And look for more information on an upcoming class on marriage Sunday mornings.

Share This Story, Choose Your Platform!

Roxanne M. Smith is the author of Struck Down, but not Destroyed, an autobiography about living with disabling chronic pain for 23 years. She has also published a Bible study with Lutheran Women in Mission called Living with Pain: Strength and Survival. She is thankful to be married to Andy, her best friend and life partner, and they are proud parents of Jakob.
Check out more from Roxanne at
http://roxannesmith.org

10 Comments

Krissa Rumsey
February 7, 2014 at 9:19 am

Thanks for sharing this, Roxanne. And thanks for sharing the quote by Bonhoeffer. Having grown up out West in Utah and taking many family vacations to the mountains, including your Canadian Rockies, I always dreamt I would move my family back there and raise my children skiing and hiking in what to me is truly “God’s country.” I grieve my unfulfilled wishes all of the time, but as you expressed, our meaning and contentment come from our relationship with God and those He puts in our lives. I am always reminded ‘It’s not about me!” But it is about what God is doing with us and through us. I am thankful for knowing you and Andy and the example you provide!

Roxanne Smith
February 7, 2014 at 1:05 pm

Krissa, we are thankful to know you and Jim, as well. I’m guessing there are quite a few of us with unfulfilled wishes. Life has very real hardships and disappointments…but thanks to God’s work in our lives, that’s not all there is!

Debbie
February 8, 2014 at 12:35 am

Roxanne, if only I had adequate words to express how much I look up to you! I am awed by your attitude; it humbles me! I so much appreciate how you and Andy and Jakob live your life as an offering to the Lord! Your faithfulness encourages me and I am honored to call you my sister in Christ. I will continue to pray for you daily as you endure neverending pain and also pray that you might feel God’s overwhelming love for you.

Roxanne Smith
February 8, 2014 at 3:50 pm

Debbie, I hope that you and Dan can also see what Bonhoeffer was able to see…that we can have fulfilled lives (as well as marriages!) despite unfulfilled wishes. Our culture tells us something different, that we need to have personal fulfillment for life to be worth living. But God reassures us that in the midst of trials He loves us, He is with us, and He will bring good even out of our suffering. That gives us hope!

Beth DeMeritt
February 10, 2014 at 6:03 pm

We have b een blessed beyond measure by seeing more places then we ever could imagine including 2 summers ago all the places that you mentioned. Thanks to my Mom who was one of my heroes in faith and passed away on Feb. 29 10 years ago and left us just enough money to travel. You are in my prayers many times and I love your smile. Please keep me your prayer. I have a terrible cold, can hardly see and we are supposed to leave on a trip soon to celebrate 50 years of being engaged. Found out a few minutes ago a pastor and wives son 17 died today and while I was writing this found out my cousin that I grew up close to died on Sat. Also Carls brother 51 that we are guardian of had 3 seizures in 2 days and has pnemonia. Much praying to do! Love and blessings. Beth D.

Roxanne Smith
February 11, 2014 at 12:42 pm

Beth, your comment reminded me of a hymn my 92 year old Dad recently quoted to me:
“Death and change all around me I see;
Oh, Thou who changes not, abide with me.”

Marlys Hoover
February 11, 2014 at 12:11 pm

Your article wonderfully expressed the message of the sermon text last Sunday: “When we are weak, then we are strong”. In your constantly painful condition, you have encouraged, spoken loudly without words, and testified to the wonder of being God’s children in even the worst situations, likely in a far deeper way than if nothing had ever happened and you have lived the life you dreamed. Our lives, spoken as one who has lived over 75 years, are really never what we expect. People are disabled, chronically ill, impaired by accident or disease. People die far too soon and leave us with a huge hole in our hearts that never fills again. People let us down, break their promises, intentionally hurt us at times. Yet it is at these very times, just like you and Andy, when we run to our Father and desperately lay it all out before Him and He never fails to bring us the comfort and encouragement we need at the moment. He may not answer all our prayers the way we wish, but I guess if He did, we wouldn’t need faith and trust that He’s still God and has it all figured out in the end. All of the messy parts of life like this only enhance our hope that one day, there will be no more tears or pain or disappointment and I long for the day when I will never disappoint my dear heavenly Father again as well. You are prayed for and cared for, dear Roxanne and Andy, by many, like me, who just never getting around to telling you that. Thank you for this–it’s helped me today.

Roxanne Smith
February 11, 2014 at 12:48 pm

Thanks, Marlys, for sharing your perspective! I liked your line, “Our lives, spoken as one who has lived over 75 years, are really never what we expect.”

As you know, Paul talks in Romans 8 about the whole creation groaning:

“We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies.”

And I love your statement of faith: “All of the messy parts of life like this only enhance our hope that one day, there will be no more tears or pain or disappointment.”

Thanks to Jesus, we have a future hope, as well as strength and courage for right now!

Paul Mueller
February 15, 2014 at 3:19 pm

Thanks for seending this again. It is worth a second reading. Love, Dad

Roxanne Smith
February 17, 2014 at 1:03 pm

Thanks, Dad! I know you’ve had to give up mountain climbing, too, due to the effects of aging. The desire never fully leaves us, though, does it? It’s one of the things I look forward to doing again with you in heaven. Much love and gratitude to you for introducing me to the Rockies that I love.