I don’t know what “Deuces” means (I know it means “twos” and “poops,” but I think it’s supposed to mean something exclamatory as well), but R-Truth has been them lately. There’s a downside to the first wrestling match ending in zero seconds because of a pre-match attack, but Truth is justified here: he’s lost a connection with his friends and fans, and is so unbelievably pissed off because he’s SURE he’s in the right, and nobody will understand it. They just keep booing him and cheering what, and it’s driving him mad. I like that. I also like it when somebody shows up out of nowhere and murders John Morrison, especially when that goes on for more than several minutes.

And look at his face. R-Truth’s face is awesome. JR’s understated “R-Truth looks possessed!” was amazing, as were his desperate attempts to get the Paydirt over as a violent move. People shat on Paul Burchill’s C4 because the guy holding him had to back flip to make the move work, but Truth doesn’t hook a leg or anything, he just holds them there and jumps to the side, and the guy collapses onto his face helplessly as if guided by supernatural forces. And then sometimes they forget that it was supposed to hurt, as in the case of…

Worst: John Morrison Forgets How Necks Work

Morrison had me for a moment. He was lying on the ground with his arm python’d around his neck, trying to get up without the help of the trainers, EMTs, referees down. I was buying that Truth’s attack had severely hurt his neck, and the screaming kids in the first few rows agreed with me. Then, as if he was giving me the middle finger through my television set, Morrison flipped his hair back to get it out of his face, using only his neck. I felt like the manager from Slap Shot when this happened. “WHAT’RE YA DOOOOIN’?!”

So, to recap, here is a list of things John Morrison doesn’t understand:

1. How friends work
2. How girlfriends work
3. How pro wrestling works
4. How to speak without sounding like a fat 11-year old
5. How necks work

Join The Discussion

Pitbull? More like Shitbull, amirite? However, I did enjoy the Heat dancers.

05.03.11 at 12:47 pm

Lee

“Deuces” means goodbye or I’m out of here. A lot of people throw up the peace sign – 2 fingers (deuces) when leaving a room…at least I do

05.03.11 at 12:54 pm

Senor Chang!

The ref was supposedly looking for the title belt near the time keeper’s table and when he didn’t see it over there he made the logical assumption that the belt had been moved prior to the match concluding.

05.03.11 at 12:56 pm

Jade

I will admit, I giggled like hell to see Khali in the Tooth Fairy costume. The rest of it, meh.

It’s funny, in all the close-ups of Rock in the ring at the end of the show while all the streamers, confetti and balloons are flying, his eyes are darting all over the place and the expression on his face is that of someone expecting a possible run-in. I was hoping it would be Mick Foley with Socko, telling him that the past however-many years were just a dream, and bringing out that sad lady clown again.

05.03.11 at 12:57 pm

Dave

This is amazing, B. I haven’t watched the show in full yet and I’m unsure if I’m even going to because…yeah, this was really, really boring and stupid. And I’m a guy who likes Rock, and even likes a lot of stupid WWE comedy.

Full comments later but…

“I just wanted SOMETHING to happen…”

Yeah, I don’t know what it says about me but at the end of the show all I could think of was how much I would mark out if the Rock got interrupted by this – [www.youtube.com]

05.03.11 at 12:58 pm

JT

This was such an entertaining read. I’m surprised you didn’t touch on Pitbull at all. Dog was pitchy.

05.03.11 at 12:59 pm

Herb

But wasn’t it still the best Raw in a loooong time?

05.03.11 at 12:59 pm

85

Yeah, Ludacris did “deuces” at the end of his spiel when he threw up a peace sign, so for me anyway, Luda translated Truth from a week prior. Thank goodness.

Alright, B, I’m agreeing with you now. The Rock shit was too much. If the opening is half as long, it’s fun and it’s good. If something violent happens at the end (and it’s half as long), it’s fun and it’s good. But they’ve sort of painted themselves into a corner with him until Mania, and to a degree I understand the idea that if they have him for a night, they’re going to use the ever-loving shit out of him, but he can’t fight with Cena yet, and fighting with anyone else wouldn’t make much sense. I would’ve gladly settled for Altered Beast Bossman.

Cena-Miz was really good until the ending, when I had literally the exact same thought process you did. But that was the best Miz looked in the ring since he wrestled Bryan on Raw in February or something. Hopefully they’ll take this chance to rebuild him into a good heel character who can actually dish out a shitkicking or two now that the belt is off of him, and avoid another Sheamus ball-dropping.

05.03.11 at 1:01 pm

85

Oh and B, have you given any thought to resurrecting the Vintage Promo bit from Fanhouse? I’m running low on Jumpin’ Jeff Farmer.

05.03.11 at 1:08 pm

Herb

Oh, and how long did it take for Miz to get that turnbuckle pad off??? Sheesh.

05.03.11 at 1:13 pm

Rusty

This might be the best best worst of raw yet. Oh wow, if my co-workers didn’t consider me an annoying giggly asshole before, they definitely do now.

05.03.11 at 1:53 pm

Philip

You just know when they have to list off someone’s (in this case Mya) credentials that it is nobody important. Thank goodness JR was in for Cole because otherwise ADR on commentary wouldnt have been allowed to make it to “best” and also I would’ve turned the tv off.

Man, the WWE referees just can’t win. That ref makes the best call in pro wrestling history (actually using logic) and here’s Stroud, still ripping him for it. The refs must just gather at a pub after the show, all complaining about their lack of respect and/or the 46963 concussions each of them has suffered after being knocked cold by, like, a stray elbow.

05.03.11 at 1:56 pm

AudeSapere

“But wasn’t it still the best Raw in a loooong time?”

What? No. What?

have you heard my new band, shitty welsh side effect

Great to see such a bizarre and terrible episode deconstructed so thoroughly. a++ would read again

05.03.11 at 2:30 pm

MBF

Glad to see that Kaitlyn fans do exist. Thought I was the only one. Her ring skills have definitely improved too (FCW videos make the work day go faster), so hopefully she’ll get some time on Smackdown with Laycool out of the picture.

05.03.11 at 2:55 pm

Dave

My other comment is awaiting moderation (I linked to something) but like I said in that one, this is an amazing read. You are dead wrong about it not being a funny Best-Worst though, because from ‘a fat lady clown being inefficient’ onwards, this is great.

I particularly enjoyed the part about things John Morrison doesn’t understand (which I guess seems ironic with my avatar but again, I have NO idea why that is even there).

The only parts of Raw I’ve actually seen was the opening, the AWESOME Kharma skit and the ending, but I will probably track down the Cena/Miz match and the R-Truth stuff. It’s crazy how in a week or two Truth has gone from my least favourite part of the shows to one of my favourites.

05.03.11 at 3:20 pm

Brian G.

Yeah, R Truth is suddenly awesome. I suspected he might have had a personality when he was going around telling people his government name was Delicious, but I was skeptical.

The best part of the PPV (based on the one quickly-removed YouTube clip I watched) was obviously that quick cut to all of the Divas backstage, watching Kharma debut, Kelly Kelly blatantly placed in front. Kong’s quick-snap from her maniacal laughter to serious face is amazing.

05.03.11 at 3:51 pm

Illinois Smith

Fuck Cena vs Rock, they should announce Kong vs YOSHIHIKO for the next Wrestlemania.

05.03.11 at 3:56 pm

Jim

I would be really, really happy if we didn’t see Rocky again until 2012. Just don’t mention him until after the Rumble next year so that I can actually sit through an episode of Raw.

Next week I expect Cole to revert five or six years with a “Say Tazz, have you ever seen a wrestler as popular as Rob Van Dam?”, followed by JR and King being suddenly mad at each other and stubbornly claiming that Raw is better than Smackdown. Oh, sorry, that last part happened only a week ago.

05.03.11 at 6:21 pm

Dave

JR: If WISHES were FISHES, the world would be an ocean!

In what might be more embarrassing than my JoMo avatar, I actually quite like Kelly Kelly. I remember her being pretty decent at getting murdered by the Glamazon, so this thing with Kharma has me pretty interested.

05.03.11 at 6:24 pm

Paul

Holy crap, that was awesome! I saw this article linked to in xematt’s Twitter feed, and after so many self-satisfying, “wrestling is serious business” posts on 411mania, I’m so stoked that you exist. Can’t wait to read more.

05.03.11 at 6:37 pm

TH

I’ve disagreed with you on Rocky before, but here, I’m with you. That was fucking pointless.

Also, “gay Steiner Brother” is kinda redundant.

05.03.11 at 7:45 pm

John Chimpo

Another great article,especially considering the steaming load of bull crap Raw was last night. It’s like they’ve stopped caring altogether now that the Rock is back to jerk himself off for half an hour. Plus side…R Truth is fun to watch now. I used to like the hell out of John Morrison,now I just like watching him get his ass stomped in every week. And yes, more Kaitlyn would be awesome. I saw her live the night she won NXT, and she’s much hotter in person than I could stand. Boo-yah!!!