Today&#8217;s Daily Mail headline has summed up the mood of a nation, and this time there can&#8217;t be any doubt that it really is in big letters. The incident, hopefully involving Muslims, or at least girls about a millisecond over 16 in scanty togs, has already been condemned by Mail readers on all sides of the far right with reports of purple-headed simpletons expressing their utter outrage without bothering to learn to read.

Although even the most basic facts are as yet unknown people are already asking just how this very Britain in which we live, this land of green, could have become a haven for the disgusting behaviour they imagine bears any resemblance to the strangely vague and deceptive headline at the top of the page.

We asked the Palace for a statement, or at least a link to a Facebook site showing muff, but were met with &#8220;Jesus, just fuck off!&#8221; Meanwhile inside sources said the Queen was very unhappy. &#8220;I&#8217;m very unhappy,&#8221; said Jarrod.

Editorial: We&#8217;ve all seen the headline and puked, but who&#8217;s really to blame? Not me for a start. It&#8217;s those other people. Them over there, that&#8217;s who. Only the other day I had a Polish woman call and offer to blitz my house for 10 quid. The sick bitch.

"Breast cancer time bomb fear" is the headline I'm looking at. But, then again, I don't do drugs, apart from fags, booze and pussy.

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Now Im worried. If the womans breasts explode in a crowded area there could be untold damage! Someone, probably a hero, needs to diffuse her tits and save us all before the counter runs out. If he could be hunky and Mercan it would make a great fillum. If hes Britlish he could be given a Mercan accent.