About Me

I am a happy and honest person and generally like to live by my rules. Sometimes though I tend to go into bouts of manic depression and then I have to bank on the phoenix within me to help me out.... I thought to create this blog for everyone who needs a phoenix now and then, as a place to rejuvenate, or as Holden Caulfield would say, as a 'Catcher in the Rye'. I want it to be a small portal for people like me who are also on the path of self-discovery. All are welcome here to share their experiences and views. Thanks.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

The Phoenix Within

by Phoenix Within

The End:Phoenix lay on the hospital bed, her eyes closed. As her fever mounted she felt she was losing control of her being. She tried to regain control of herself mentally and to do so she thought about the life she had led and the people she had cared for. She had been a good wife, a caring mother. She had bourn a son as well as a daughter for her family, looked after her children well, watching them grow up, get married and settle down. Now, in her advanced years, the only thing she wanted to do was to relax and enjoy her retirement with things she loved doing – visiting friends, cooking, sewing, and watching television. Then the disease struck her. At first it was confusing. She would just fall down and could not get up. Within a few weeks she lost total control of her left side and was confined to her bed. The hospital visit, doctors, MRI, and then the biopsy followed. It confused her even more. This was not at all how she had planned to spent the rest of her life, straddled to a bed, a burden to her loved ones. She asked her daughter, the person she trusted most, mum, will I get well? And her daughter would always put her arms around her and tell her, you’ll be ok soon mum! She always believed her. She tried to move her left hand and to her enormous surprise, it moved. She got up. She was feeling light and much better. This is good, she thought. It was dark, but she felt as if she was walking in, no, she was in space. She was within space, and again, she was the space. The stars and planets her long lost friends were all there welcoming her back with laughter in their shine. As she floated towards them, she felt happy, happy, as happy as she had never ever felt before in her entire life.

The Burning:As the funeral pyre burned and the flames leaped up towards the sky, Phoenix shuddered. She thought about the brain tumor, astrocytoma grade 4, that her mother had. There had been no headaches, no warning. Nothing except the mood swings and temper tantrums, which they always looked upon as part of her mother’s character and adjusted their lives around it, never a symptom of a disease. The diagnosis had been shattering and she had never been able to tell her mother what the doctors told her.

The Transformation:Phoenix was hungry. She looked at her dad, as he cradled his one year old on his knees. She pulled at the hairs on his chest and touched his nipples with her tiny fingers. Her dad laughed, and his handsome face lit up as he admired his beautiful daughter. You want your mum, don’t you mum? Mummy da da, she said anxiously. Dad was nice and comfortable but she was thirsty and sleepy.

The Hope Within:Much, much later, Phoenix could at last look up at her husband inquiringly and he smiled. She is asleep now. She was looking for you. She went to the bedroom with tired steps. Within the covers slept her little daughter, her face peaceful and doll-like. Her mother, the only one she had left now. She sat down on the bed and lovingly touched her little one’s chest.

My phoenix, she prayed, my mother, please God, some day may you soar..