"Comedy Nation This Week" - Premiere Episode - January 13, 2012

We have to change the way campaigns are financed. Too many
rich people are running vanity campaigns with unlimited self-financing. Contributors want bang for their buck. When these kinds of
candidates get into office they’re going to owe themselves favors, which I think is a sin in the Catholic Church.

Are these the kind of representatives we want in Washington? Are these the kinds of representatives we still want in Washington?

Massachusetts Governor himself for a total of
$6,150,570. And what did he get for his six million dollars?

The office of Governor of the state of Massachusetts. He’s no Oscar Goldman.

When he ran for Governor in a liberal state, he ran as a
liberal Republican. When he decided to run for President in 2008, some of his
liberal positions did not mesh with the far right Republican base he needed to
win in the primaries. But he was the Six Million Dollar Man. “We can rebuild
him. We can make him more conservative than he was.”

But his campaign needed more money--- more of Mitt’s money.
Romney’s campaign for President raised $88.5 million in 2007, according to opensecrets.org, but $35.4 million of that was contributed by the candidate, which
turned out to be a bad investment. He was no Steve Austin. Even “The Bionic Woman” ran for three years, although I didn’t really watch the remake…but what you’re listening to has digressed.

In this election cycle, Romney has his own Pac of Pacs and Super Pacs and mediocre Pacs which can contribute to his campaign. Is it fair for one man to have so many Pacs when I don’t
even have one? I say, “No.” And it wouldn’t surprise me if the Mrs. had a Pac, man! What a horrible bump in a monologue that seemed to be
leading somewhere.

Jon Huntsman has self-financed 50% of his campaign according
to opensecrets.org, contributing $2,249,481 through September 30, 2011.

Governor Rick Perry contributed no money to his own
campaign, so he’s not as dumb as he may seem.

Herman Cain contributed 13% of the total cost of his
campaign through September 30, 2011 or $675,000. That’s a lot of pizza dough and an offer a lot of people refused.

Newt Gingrich so far has not contributed to his own
campaign. I guess they wouldn’t let him charge it.

“Well, I’d contribute to my campaign, if I could just set up
some kind of revolving credit plan…” This makes him more of a George W. Bush Republican than a
Reagan Republican. He’ll take you to war, but only if he doesn’t have to pay
for it until much later---like when he’s out of office.

Even Rick Santorum is spending his own money on his
campaign, approximately $45,199, representing 4% of his budget, when what he
really ought to be doing is putting that money in the basket on Sunday. Can I get an "Amen?"

Fred Karger, the first openly gay man to seek the Republican
nomination, confirming the fact that he’s more confused than even he realizes,
contributed $300,924 to his run which represented 84% of his campaign budget
through September 30.

Former Governor Buddy Roemer, the only Presidential
candidate talking about campaign finance reform spent $45,100 of his own money
just to be excluded from the debates for not having enough money. Roemer made a
pledge not to accept any Pac money or pledges greater than $100, so we won’t be
hearing any more about him.

If I run for president, I pledge not to accept any campaign
contributions, especially from myself.

It’s one thing to throw my vote away, but my money? Maybe my campaign can get a bailout from the government. It
really doesn’t matter which one.