Tag Archives: turning 30

But I’ll be honest, I’ve always hated my birthday. Why you ask, well, I’m forced to share it. My once size 6 mother blew up like a whale back in in late ’79/’80 and because of my idiotic father they moved into a slum so she got toxemia and I was delivered (via C-section) 1-1/2 months early (7/6 was the original due date. Mom’s 56 today and my brother will be 24 on 5/20 (correct due date).

But also my Godmother Sadie just died a few hours ago. A fat and happy lawyer living it up in Miami is dead at 52. I wasn’t close to the woman (and she moved out to Florida back in ’89 to attend law school, but she ruined her own health. She was fat, hypoglycemic (I had that), was prone to getting colitis (got a colostomy bag because of it), and uncontrollable hypertension (for the past 4 years). There was no need for this to happen. Then yesterday she got a (ischemic) stroke, the docs worked on her brain, and had she lived she would’ve ended up like another Terry Schiavo (and I’m in favor of euthanasia).

Her father is still here while her mom is in Miami with her brother Jack and his wife Janine. There’ll be a small service after the cremation and her ashes will be spread near her law school. More than likely grandma will push a card on Aunt Lorna (Sadie was mom’s first cousin) and I’ll sign it. But I’m not mourning, I can’t. She had everything: a great job, she went on vacation, a great condo, but she shitted it away because she couldn’t stop stuffing her face (her insurance was ending in June and she hadn’t worked in three years).

Like this:

Well I couldn’t help but quote one of my favorite comic characters for my first blog post, let’s hear it for Neil Pye of The Young Ones!

Well I started this aptly-titled blog for two reasons: #1 I’m 29. #2 My best friend has piss-poor ideas about age (she’s 27) and is insulting me in a backhanded sort of way. Now since we’ve never had a fight in the 11 years I’ve known the bitch (and like to keep it that way) she knows I’m fucking forthright in my opinions and am not shy. Hence, why I feel inclined to start this blog.

So you’re 30. Or, like me, turning 30. Or perhaps in your thirties. Say it with me: THIRTY! Was it that bad? Are you dead? Is there a horrific, pus-filled, nasty scar cleaving your face in half? No? Well, then you’ll be okay (even in this economy). I feel there’s nothing- REPEAT- nothing wrong with being 30. You are still you. The only thing different is the shape of your brain. That’s right, you’re not some dull-witted twenty-something who thinks that there are no tomorrows, and you’ll never be that daft old fart with turd balls rolling down his polyester trousers eating half-price at Denny’s.

News flash: you will be in another 40 years or so.

I myself haven’t given a thought to the 3-0, and only began to wonder why when my best friend Kaye (an alias) began to whine about no longer being a cute teeny-bopper. My perception of the whole issue has to do with her rapid weight gain and the fact that her boobs got too big for her (minimizing VS) bra due to her eating habits and the fact that she can’t take oral birth control anymore (her BF refuses to use rubbers- and this is the chick who has twins running in her family- and she without her CPA and he with only an AA living with her drunk mother). But that could just be me and my nasty habit of being a realist.

Look, I was always fat and ugly, so realism has been my closest companion. I’m bitchy, sarcastic, and like to fight with people. Being smart just makes the package complete. But at least I know I’ll somehow get my brownstone on Brooklyn’s Promenade one day. Thanks to Dad my credit might be in the toilet now, but after the bottom dropped out of the economy, I think in the future (after granny foots the legal bill to get us all out of debt) it can work out in my favor.

So being 29 and still in university is a good thing- especially if you’re a New Yorker. The economy was always in a downward spiral in this state considering we just can’t manage our money (despite being the cornerstone of the American economy).

So if you’re shitting yourself about turning or being 30, drop in at any time and I’ll write as much insight as I can to make you bastards feel a little bit better. Oh yeah, cursing, derogatory language, and controversy abound! All you super conservative or liberals who are PC obsessed can go fuck themselves. I’m not putting a gun to your head and forcing you to read my daily bitching. All comments are welcome. Flames and trolls will be snickered at.