Posts Tagged ‘life’

I recently went to visit my old town for a weekend and got some quality time with my family, among other people. Right as my roommate and I were packing, she received a call from her mother with some news. A boy that we use to know had a mental breakdown of the sorts. I can’t go into detail because the details would be in question to what you believe. But a breakdown none the less. We decided we would pay him a visit before we left, so that’s exactly what we did.

We were greeted by his family that we haven’t seen in ages. It was nice to see their faces again, even under those circumstances. Then it was time; I walked in to see him on the couch, on some sort of drug, just passed out. We woke him up and his face did light up when he saw, we went to sit down and chatted.

At first I didn’t even recognize him, he had changed so much, not just from his appearance but his personality, I then realized that it was just the drugs and after they wore off he was still the same. Towards the end of our visit, it was like I had never left and no time had passed at all. I really do hope that he gets better and I want to visit and keep in contact, not because I feel sorry for him, but because I know he can get better.

But it’s odd, how much life changes when you grow up and what we go through. As kids fighting about who’s turn it is and picking which crayon to color with were most of our challenges. And now it’s medical debt, seeing your friends go through mental break downs, go to jail, people dying, being aware of the seriousness and evil in this world. And all you can do is try to be a good person and hope for the best.

“Why do I and everyone I love pick people who treat us like we’re nothing?”

“We accept the love we think we deserve”

That’s a quote from Perks of being a wallflower (good book as well as movie if you haven’t heard of it before!)

I start this post with this quote because it’s appropriate and relevant to the topic. I find myself wondering why people let the wrong people in, ya know? When you’re trying to be there for someone but they just…don’t let you.

I met a guy who I’ve admired for a number of years, we really hit if off and we started to talk and hang out when we could, since we live in different states. I’ll tell you, I was on cloud nine alright.

But my fantasy soon came to an end, he came to Seattle for a convention that we were both attending and we got to spend some time together but by then, the glamorous side of things were starting to wear off, he had been distant the last week before the convention, I thought it was odd since we were both excited to spend some time together, I didn’t give it much thought since he isn’t the best texter and is always in his own little world, I’m not one that needs a lot of attention so I was perfectly fine with us having space.

The convention date rolled around and it was time for us to see each other, now I’ll admit it, I was pretty excited to see him. And just between us, I had a countdown on my desk at work.

When we were finally able to have one on one time with each other, I had a little discussion with him and we left on good terms kind of, I took him to the airport a few days later and we discussed a couple of things again.

He hopped on his flight saying we’d discuss this again, who knew that was the last time I would see and properly speak to him again. And yet, he became good friends with people that only use him.

Which is why I mentioned that quote above, I recently watched Perks of being a wallflower again and that quote stood out to me. I had nothing but good intentions and wanted to be there for him, to support him in whatever he did. But he cut me off while the people he let stay are only using him, not supporting him nor being there for him. I can tell he feels alone and I wish I could do something, but you can’t help someone that doesn’t want to be helped.

Now, he did contact me after that day at the airport to apologize and tell me his reasons on why he became distant with me, saying that it’s hard for him to let people in and that he always pushes them away, apologized in general. Not exactly a happy ending but at least I know that I meant something to him. Even if things didn’t work out, I wish him the best in whatever he decides to do with his life. He was the most genuine person I had ever met in a while that actually cared about people as much as I do.

He doesn’t accept the love he deserves. but I hope that one day he does.

It’s been rough around maybe, five or six months now that I moved out on my own with my best friend, about 3 hours away from my old town. And I barely started to miss “home.” I guess I’m a bit conflicted cause what do I call that? When I moved out I didn’t have intentions of going back to live there. This city is my new home.

But I miss my family, my friends, my chihuahua. It’s so weird for me to say that, that I miss my family. My parents and I never met eye to eye, but I even miss them. I guess what gets to me the most is that my little brother’s birthday is in two weeks and this might be the first time that I miss his birthday in his whole life if I can’t get off work that day. I missed Thanksgiving and Christmas already cause of the snow. And now his birthday? I don’t want him or my little sister to think that I just left them. I know how hard it is to grow up like that. I just wish I could do something about it.

I also miss my friends, I talk to them all the time but I just…miss them. But distance isn’t going to break us apart, I know that. It does suck that I don’t get to see them as often but it hasn’t stopped us from being in constant contact even to this day. There’s very few people from that town that I consider a good friend, and the ones that I’ve kept in contact with, I know are not just good friends, but good people that I want to stay in my life.

When I first moved out, I wanted so desperately to have a new life, new surroundings, new experiences and new people. Now it finally hit me, wow, this is real. I did it, I moved to the other side of the mountains from my parents. Everything is different now. But I now realize that I have to mix in my old life to my new one. There’s really good people that came into my life and belong in it.

I was compared recently, by my mother to a cousin of mine, a not very nice cousin I should add.

Thinking about it more just gets to me, why do people think it’s okay to compare people. As if you need that in the back of your mind.

“Oh maybe if I was more like them, things would be better.” Like, NO. Be yourself, that’s what you have to do. Now I know when people are growing up, you don’t always know who you really are. But once you know, don’t ever let that go. Don’t let anyone tell you how to act, how to dress, what to say and don’t you dare let anyone tell you what to do with your life. Because it’s not theirs, even if those people are your own parents. Most of the time they may have the best interest for you. But they still don’t own you. That’s something I always struggled with growing up, I wasn’t what my parents wanted. My views on things and in life in general were very different to theirs. Every time I would try to please them, I wasn’t happy at all. I learned from a young age that I couldn’t be doing things that other people wanted me to do. Because that wasn’t me, that wasn’t who I was and wasn’t who I wanted to be. I’m still trying to figure out what I want for myself in the future but at least I know who I am. I know the things I like and don’t like, my past, my hopes and dreams. So being compared to someone else that is completely different than I am, irks me. What makes you think that I would ever want do anything that they have done? What makes you think that I even want to be like them?

I was actually enjoying my job very much, i was really good at it too. The only downside to it was that it was really far away and getting to it was always such a hassle. Thus I was late quite a few times. But even so, I was happy that I was finally working and there was once less worry on my life. But, like always, that didn’t last long. Me not having to worry about something. On Wednesday I purchased a chocolate bar and nibbled on it during my shift. Silly me, wasn’t aware that it was against policy to do that. It wasn’t until Friday that I was informed of this, after a set up to attempt to catch me being bad. After that failed and I didn’t fall for it, I was then brought into an office to inform me of the policy that I violated and to be suspended until further notice. Yesterday afternoon, I received a call that let me know that I had been fired and the seriousness of my crime. oh.

Guess that’s not the magic at macy’s.

Now I must find a job an we all know how hard that is. I have to pay rent and bills and I can’t fall back on anything cause this is the adult life I choose after moving out of my parents house. And I refuse to go back there just when things get hard. Wish me luck.

So, I was finally able to get a job, yay right? nope. it’s far away, but I’ve always wanted to work there, so I took the job. My first shift was supposed to be today, but yesterday as I was about to go home after 8 hours of training, the car wouldn’t start. Someone tried to jump start it and it wouldn’t budge after 93643463 times of tying. you see, my room mate and I share cars until my car is fixed and I can go get it from the city where we use to live. But now, this. To put matters into a worse state, my parents are being twats. I ask them one thing and they can’t even do that. This is why I’ve gotten so use to only relying on myself. I work tomorrow, and idk how on earth i’ll be able to pull this off but I gotta keep moving forward. I knew moving out and the adult life wouldn’t be easy so I can’t run away as soon as I was proven right.

side notes: I’m behind on NaNoWriMo, sad face. Also I made a video of my midlife crisis story, ya know, in case you’ve ever wanted to see a couple post in video form.

Oh hey there, I’ve been away these days, mostly because, oh you know, no big deal or anything. But I moved out of my parent’s house and that small town that lead to nowhere and moved to a city that I adore, with my best friend. The vibe here is perfect. I honestly feel at home here. But I wont sugar coat anything and I must say it was hard, very hard. I didn’t expect it to be easy, non the less. But damn, I worked at a warehouse from 6 in the afternoon until 4 in the morning. for ALL of summer. As proud as I am about all of this, this fight hasn’t stopped. I am currently in need of a job and have to work out things with my college. Because, when I did move, everything I had planned fell apart and now I’m stuck doing what I always have to, pick up the pieces.