What India said

Sidin Vadukut has been writing extensively about cricket since he started writing this column for ESPNcricinfo. He comes from a family of footballers, who all nurture virulent hate for cricket in general and Basit Ali in particular. Vadukut is the author of the Dork trilogy of office-culture humour novels. By day he is a columnist and editor with business daily Mint. At night, depending on when he gets off work, he goes home or fights crime. His favourite cricketer is Saeed Anwar. By which he means Sachin Tendulkar. Jai Hind.

Exclusive: In an international first, renowned ESPNcricinfo columnist and well-known male model Sidin Vadukut employed an experienced lip reader to carefully monitor conversations between Indian players during their match against South Africa in the Super Eights of the World Twenty20, in the course of which India established their superiority over the cough, cough, racking cough from blocked air passage South Africans.

Shortly before the innings commencedBalaji: MS! If you want, I can open the innings with a burst of explosive bowlingDhoni and Raina and Yuvraj and Rohit and Gambhir: Ha ha ha ha ha haSehwag: Good idea, Balaji.Harsha: Rift in the team?Virat: *Expletive*

After third over, shortly before Pathan took Kallis' wicketVirat: Come on, boys! Come on, boys! We can do this! We can qualify for the semis *expletive*!Dhoni: Yes boys! Come on! Even if it looks highly unlikely that we will qualify, what with that rain during the Australia game that basically stole our chances away from us, we must still strive...

Immediately after Kallis' wicketSehwag: I think I have hurt my ankle and should leave the pitch now. I am going to go and take some physiotherapy in Chris Gayle's room.Ashwin: This is why I am always saying that it is best to not run unless absolutely necessary.

After seventh overRohit to Dhoni: MS, this might be the right time to let one of our young, talented part-time bowlers rattle the Saffers with a quick wicket through some talented bowling with high potentialDhoni: Yuvraj?Rohit: No.Dhoni: Virat?Rohit: No. Someone with talent and potential.Dhoni: You want to bowl?Rohit: If you insist

During the 13th overDhoni: Everyone stay back to prevent the boundaries.Ashwin: But we should be bringing in the field to prevent singles and keep the pressure onDhoni: Sorry, Ashwin, I didn't hear that clearly. You were saying that I should bring King in the field to cement singles andAshwin: Ha ha ha ha. Ayyo MS! Ha ha ha. I was saying that this field setting is perfect

Before the 15th overRohit: MS, if you ask me how I would use my talent and potential in this particular cricketing scenarioDhoni: Virat!Virat: *Expletive* Rohit *expletive*Dhoni: Thanks, Virat.

During the 17th over just after South Africa overtakes India's total of 121 runsTendulkar: This is very disappointingPathan:Who said that?Ashwin:But he is not here, then how is this possible??Balaji: He is everywhereVirat: *Expletive*

After fifth ball of 20th over, when Balaji bowled Morne MorkelBalaji:This is Spartaaaaaaaa Ashwin: *Expletive*Pathan: *Expletive*Gambhir: *Expletive*Rohit: *Expletive*Yuvraj: *Expletive*Raina: *Expletive*Virat: What a terribly disconsolate state of affairs this is...