It’s the Opening Ceremony of Pyeongchang 2018, and there are many questions: what will the North and South do to show Korean unity? Who will light the Olympic cauldron? How many journalists would lose fingers while typing in the cold? Let’s recap the action from Pyeongchang Olympic Stadium (all times local):

7:15 p.m. It is cold. The Olympic Stadium is exposed to the elements, which might have seemed like a good idea at the time, but hoo boy does it make for a brisk event in the cold of a Korean night. Still, they gave everyone a seat cushion and those little hot pockets. Fancy! (Still cold.)

7:20 The pre-show action includes a demonstration from something called the unified taekwondo team. They are wearing nothing but taekwondo robes, the poor things. YOU’LL CATCH YOUR DEATH OUT THERE KIDS.

7:25 They do some demonstrations of kicks and whatnot. And then, no joke, break into a dance number. This thing is full of surprises already.

7:26 My nose is running. Kleenex break.

7:28 A different troupe comes out now. Seems more like karate. They are breaking wooden slats with their feet. As one does.

7:30 So much wood being kicked. These guys are working some things out.

7:35 K-Pop dance demonstration! The chief characteristic of K-Pop is that it is indistinguishable from a K-Pop parody.

7:45 Some instructions for when the show begins. Wave your torch and bang your drum on command, basically. Having been in Korea for a few days now, I suspect these folks will be keen to take part.

8 p.m. Showtime! Something is rising out of the middle of the stage. It is a drum. Or a bell. Like a gong? Maybe a drum. (Loud gong noise.) Let’s go with gong.

8:05 Now it’s the traditional part of an Olympic ceremony: Awkward Storytelling. They hand reporters some background info on what it all means, but it’s more fun to guess.

8:06 Um, some kids are playing with a light and they are in a cave or something. Unclear. Anyway, the five brightly dressed kids make the sky light up somehow and OH GOD BIG WHITE TIGER. Run, kids!

Look out, kids!Lars Baron /
Getty Images

8:07 Wait, the tiger is pretty chill. No mauling. And now there’s some other animals. A cow, a reindeer, some fish, maybe a dragon. A full-on menagerie, is what I’m saying.

8:10 The kids are in the middle of all the wildlife. They aren’t even spooked by the dragon. Tough kids.

8:11 That’s it for the opening number. Not entirely sure what it meant, but that’s usually how these things go.

8:12 Introduction of Important People. South Korean President Moon Jae-in, and IOC boss Thomas Bach. They always mention that he was an Olympic fencing champion. Show off.

8:14 Big ol’ dance number. Actually, mostly a drum number, with a side of dance.

8:15 The drum number finishes with the white-clad drummers turning either red or blue, like the yin and yang in the South Korean flag. Oohs and aahs all around.

This happened.Lars Baron /
Getty Images

8:20 That moves right into the presentation of the South Korean flag. Nice segue. It’s brought out by eight famous South Korean Olympians. Or at least famous in South Korea. I recognized golfer Se Ri Pak. She had serious game.

8:22 The flag presenters are wearing white robes and colourful hats in the I Dream of Jeannie style.

8:22 That’s a dated TV reference, kids. Related: I am old.

8:24 And after the South Korean national anthem, sung by a nice kids choir, it is time for the Parade of Athletes.

8:25 This will take a while. Feel free to go get a snack or something.

8:34 And we’re back! OK, so here’s the parade in sum: Each delegation is led out by a lady holding a tree branch. She’s like a winter fairy. Also a kid holding a lantern. And as the athletes walk a lap of the stadium, the inner part of the stage is ringed by dancers who are doing a perpetual K-Pop routine.

8:35 I mean, it’s just dance, dance, dance. They are K-Popping fools.

8:36 Occasionally there are two pink-clad dancer types who follow the athletes and basically shoo them to make sure they don’t lallygag. Genius move: sometimes the athletes are prone to wandering. This is a model of efficiency.

8:38 The music has changed to Gangnam Style. Apparently it is not Korea’s national shame, as perhaps it ought to be.

8:41 Bermuda! They are in shorts, the crazy bastards.

8:42 OOH, a frisson of CONTROVERSY as a Donald Trump impersonator and a Kim-Jong Un lookalike pop up down near the stage. THIS IS UNSANCTIONED. After much frenzied photo taking, they are escorted away.

8:44 The Trump guy did look a lot like Trump, I must say. The Kim guy wasn’t pudgy enough.

8:55 The Olympic Athletes from Russia come out. Someone near, or possibly in, the media seats holds up a Russian flag and a sign that says “No Russia, No Games.” Whatever, lady. Maybe don’t have a state-run doping program and we’ll talk.

9:05 Tonga! And the flag bearer is once again SHIRTLESS like in Rio two years ago. Pretty sure he is covered in Vaseline, too. STRONG MOVE, TONGA.

9:06 Mitten time!

9:12 And the parade wraps up with Korea. Athletes from the North and South marching under a single flag. The crowd digs it. This is a legitimately nice moment. Good job, everyone.

9:15 The kids from the opening number are back again. This time they are floating on a raft that is moving across the stage. And it’s, um, stormy? I think it’s stormy. First the animals, now this. These kids can’t catch a break.

9:20 Some fireworks end that segment. Storm over, I guess.

New phone, who dis?Sean M. Haffey /
Getty Images

9:21 People are wheeling some large lighted rectangles that are supposed to represent cellphones. This must be something about Korea’s future. Not entirely sure of the meaning (again), but very cool lighting effect.

9:31 Here comes Thomas Bach, fencing champ, again. Speech time. He’s with the head of the Pyeongchang organizing committee. Hopefully they have the good sense to keep this short. The hot pockets are wearing off.

9:35 Four minutes for the first guy. I’ll allow it.

9:36 Bach is up and already milking the ovations. BOO.

9:39 Bach says that only clean athletes can truly cherish their Olympic memories. He doesn’t stare daggers at the Olympic Athletes of Russia, but you can tell he is thinking it.

9:41 Bach finishes with a shoutout to the unified Korean team and Moon Jae-In steps in to declare the games open.

9:42 In the home stretch! The kids are back. What storybook tragedy will befall them now?

So many candles.Leah Hennel /
Postmedia Network

9:43 I’m not sure what happened to the kids, but now there’s a bunch of singers doing a multi-cultural rendition of John Lennon’s Imagine, as the stadium is lit by faux torch lights. Sweet? Cheesy? Yes and yes.

9:48 As the song wraps up, the kids are back. They release a dove. Seems fitting.

9:51 Another light show, and they bring out the Olympic flag. I really need them to light this cauldron, and hopefully it is hot enough to warm my feet.

10:03 Here comes the flame, with a last relay around the stadium by another bunch of Korean sporting heroes. They hand off to two members of the Korean women’s hockey team, one from each side of the DMZ, who carry the torch up a long staircase to the outer top of the stadium. They hand off again to figure skater Yuna Kim, who finally lights that thing up. It goes off without a hitch. (Sorry to bring up awkward memories, Vancouver.)

10:09 Fireworks! And now, the one time every two years when you can non-ironically say: Let the Games Begin.

Fireworks explode during the opening ceremony.David J. Phillip /
AP

10:10 Wait. Not done yet. I have to say, I don’t think anyone in this joint is all that desperate for more K-Pop.

10:15 K-Pop it is! And then all kinds of dancing with flaming torches and sparkles and fireworks shooting off all over the stage. It’s like a fireworks show at ground level! They must have very loose fire codes in Korea.

10:18 The grand finale is more fireworks. In the middle of the stadium. ALL THE FIREWORKS. I think I took some shrapnel.

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