What Your Car Says About You

Nothing to Lose, the Later Years

There comes a time when guys begin checking the morning paper for their own obituary. That’s about the time they fall into this category. It’s characterized by a few dominant facts: A) They’re driving a big car; B) They can’t see over the dash — hell, they can’t see much at all for that matter; C) They can’t hear fellow drivers honking at them; and D) Even if they could, they wouldn’t give a damn and couldn't care less what they've done wrong. This is a momentous occasion. This marks the official entry into Nothing to Lose, the Later Years. Well, make that nothing to lose except the chance to get in on the Early Bird Special, which to the best of their recollection is why they’re driving in the first place. Godspeed, good eating and good luck is all we have to say. The rides: Buick Park Avenue, Cadillac DeVille, Lincoln Town Car, Ford Crown Victoria or the Mercury Grand Marquis.

Two Guys in a Subaru… Wait, Those Aren’t Guys

We’ll be very generous and allow the benefit of the doubt, but it seems like most of the Subarus we see driven by guys are WRXs. As for the Impreza, Outback and Forester wagons, well… sometimes we think we see guys in them, given the flannel and the mullets and whatnot. But then, closer inspection reveals we couldn’t be more wrong. Whoa, sorry, our mistake. Um, we males tend to do that, what with our proclivities toward failure. Ahem. We’ll just move on to the next category. Please don’t hurt us.

The rides: Any model of Subaru wagon or similar small crossover SUV.

Nugent’s Disciples

For these revelers of the life simplistic, The Nuge is god and Larry the Cable Guy is a kindred soul (even if he does get a little cerebral on ‘em every now and again). They have actually plead, "Git 'er done" in front of a judge. Like the Two Guys in a Subaru, the mullet is a timeless form of self-expression, although they’ll disagree with the other group on everything else. They also have little to no regard for wildlife, soap, forethought, orthodontics, peace and quiet, condoms, shirt sleeves, sustained sobriety, or climbing the corporate step stool. Their rides are bigger than the trailers they live in — and more expensive.

The rides: Any oversize, sky-high domestic 4x4 pickup that’s bigger, better-equipped and more expensive than the trailer next to it. Mandatory features are a gun rack, sketchy exhaust and any or all of the following stickers: favorite NASCAR driver number, "Fear This," confederate flag, Calvin peeing on something.

The Brisk and the Disgruntled

Despite their egotistical delusions and Gran Turismo skills, they fall a little short of being The Fast and the Furious. On a good day, they’re just The Brisk and the Disgruntled. If you’ve ever wondered about future Testosterossa generations, look no further. These are usually younger guys who are hardcore all the way — all the way until curfew, at least. It’s just as well, the drive-thru opens early for breakfast, and those Egg McMuffins aren’t going to grill themselves.

The rides: High-mileage Asian econo-boxes precariously held together with thick aftermarket body panels, a towering wing on the trunk and a cannon-sized tailpipe.

Mom Jeans on Wheels

Apparently, some couples abruptly conclude that breeding marked the zenith of their lives. Nothing to do now but throw on some mom jeans or pleated khakis, white sneakers, buy a neutral-toned anony-mobile and wait to die, like suburban salmon. If that’s you, we offer our condolences and a little advice: In keeping with your kind, make sure the spiffy new car has a DVD player so you can zombify your kids with yet another video, thus continuing to avoid real communication or discipline. If weekend trips to the outlet mall and a chain restaurant are all the enjoyable pizzazz you need to spice up your life, you may as well drive accordingly. When you set the cruise control a little under the speed limit just to be safe, just stay in the right lane, please; the rest of us are attempting to conduct lives, OK?

The rides: Dodge Caravan, Toyota Camry, Chevy Impala. As long as it’s anything that doesn’t make waves — that would be swell.

you are what you drive

Admittedly, this wholly unscientific evaluation is not 100% accurate. But then, just how far off is it, really? The day we see a Porcupine in a Corolla or a Nugent’s Disciple in a Saab, we’ll issue a retraction — we promise.