Sex & the Narcissist: Sadism (Pt 1)

[TRIGGER WARNING: Frank Sexual Content] Not normal. Not normal at all. There’s nothing loving nor normal about sex with a narcissist. At least that’s what my Facebook friends tell me. Most of them are survivors of one or more romantic and sexual relationships with narcissists. This is their story.

Two Flavors

The vanilla ones are withholders. They may appear to be asexual and/or über-righteous. They refuse to have sex with their partner. They forbid their partner from masturbating. Meanwhile, they are oftentimes closet porn addicts…and sadists.

Then there are the chocolate narcs. The sex addicts. You never give them enough sex. You’re never enthusiastic enough. The sex is never rough enough. Or kinky enough. It never quite fulfills their fantasies. And you can be sure they’re having dalliances on the side.

And I s’pose there are twist cones…a little of both.

For both flavors of narcs, sex is fraught with hidden agendas. It’s not about anything so plebeian as love or pleasure or bonding or babies. It’s imbued with their warped, twisted agendas and of course, control, control, control.

The Witholder

In this article, I’ll be using the pronoun “he.” This is merely because most of my friends who contributed to this article are female and wrote about an ex-partner who was male. But the same dynamics apply to female narcissists! Please feel free to replace “he” with “she” if your narcissist was female.

“Sex with a cerebral is the most mechanical, disgusting defilement of the body and soul. Used as an object and a sex toy. Fucking disgusting.” – Facebook

He may appear high-minded and righteous. He may appear cerebral, scorning the “less-evolved” horny members of his sex. He may appear asexual, even celibate.

It’s all bullshit. He’s gettin’ his yucks, just not in ways you’d expect.

Sadism

Sam Vaknin has stated that sometimes narcissists are sadistic. They enjoy inflicting pain on others. They get off on it. Seeing the pain of your sexually frustration is orgasmic to them.

“Narcissists are misogynists. They hold women in contempt, they loathe and fear them. They seek to torment and frustrate them (either by debasing them sexually – or by withholding sex from them). They harbor ambiguous feelings towards the sexual act.”
— Sam Vaknin

That’s why they withhold sex. Oh, they may say “yes” occasionally, but at the last moment they change their mind.

“What people think of me is none of my damn business!” Click pic to order this lovely white oak plaque! It was lovingly woodburned by the author.

Meanwhile, they’re going through your closet, your chest-of-drawers and peeking under your mattress convinced you’re compensating. They’re sure you have a dildo. They’re determined to find it. And when/if they do, prepare for the shaming of your life, you, you, you slut!

If he doesn’t give you an orgasm…you’re not allowed to have one. It’s his place to give you one. He’s the only source. It’s him…or nothing.

Meanwhile…

Pornography

“Masturbation is only ok for them. In fact, you might be being punished for lack of sex via cleaning up their mess…The worst part? They see absolutely no correlation between their horrific behavior and our low sex drive. None. They equate sex with love, yet don’t know how to love. Hence, sex.” – Facebook

For him, sex is a solitary thing. Just him, the girl getting pounded on the screen and his old friend, Rosy Palm. No emotions, no bonds, no relationships, no love.

The kinkier the sex, the better he likes it. The harder, the rougher, the more pain-inflicting, the greater his vicarious pleasure.

Busted!

And then comes the day when you catch him! Looking through his browser history, you’re horrified. He’s got porn comin’ outta his ears!

So you confront him. And he throws the Tantrum To End All Tantrums.

“They like to accuse others of being ‘whores’ and ‘perverts,’ but they are really talking about themselves.” — Facebook

“He’d try to body shame me or imply that I was not pretty enough.“ — Facebook

It’s YOUR FAULT he’s forced to turn to porn. You didn’t want sex. You weren’t enthusiastic enough. You didn’t want to participate in that threesome he’s always dreamed of having. You didn’t want to try S & M. You don’t love him because you won’t swallow. You’re having an affair, no! multiple affairs! You’re not hot enough. You’re not thin enough. You’re too busy with the children.

I could go on because the blame-game is endless. And all bullshit of course.

The Good News

The good news is that not all men are like that. There are guys who put your pleasure, ladies, ahead of their own. There are guys who are patient, kind, gentle and unselfish. There are guys for whom sex is simple and straightforward — not a weapon, a game or a tactic. In other words, there are guys who are normal. Fancy that!

“…my…wife [knew] almost nothing about sex and when we first made love she held me and cried for what seemed forever finally when the crying stopped she said she had not known it could be so wonderful and gentle. Almost made me cry too.” — Facebook

The Kids

Thankfully, it’s never been my misfortune to have sex with a narcissist. But narcissists also take a very odd attitude and approach to their children and sex ed.

The Virgin called “Whore”

“My mom, a narc, would fluctuate between calling me a whore and a prude when I was growing up. I was a virgin until I was 20…One day I was randomly a raging whore who was going to ‘go fuck around and get knocked up!’ The next I was ‘a stuck up prude!” — Facebook

Several of my friends confirmed that they too had experienced exactly what I experienced:

Narcissistic parents have a penchant for believing and calling their children are a whore, slut…or some version thereof.

And it always happens while their offspring is still a virgin. Imagine how crazy-making that is!

For me this happened at the tender age of fifteen. My mistake was introducing my parent to a boy I liked. Later that evening, I sensed something was terribly wrong, that I’d done something dreadful. But what!?

Sure enough, my parents filed somberly into my room. Staring condescendingly down at me in the dark, the verdict was pronounced. “You were glowing like a bride,” I was shamed. “You would obviously let him have his wicked way with you in a school stairwell. You will never look at, speak to or even think about him again.” Six months later, I was removed from school and isolated, emerging two years later institutionalized and traumatized.

It would be seventeen years before I dared to introduce them to another man, the man who became my husband. And I was terrified. He couldn’t keep his paws off me in front of them. I couldn’t stop him, but at least I was careful not to “glow like a bride.”

If I thought getting married would make it all better…that my parents would be pleased, proud and relieved…I was sadly mistaken.

Vibes Speak Louder than Words

Although narcissists may attempt to teach their kids about sex in a “normal” way, vibes speak louder than their words. It can’t be helped.

For me, Sex Ed was one of my worst growing-up experiences. I cried at age seven when I was first told about sex. I cried at every sex talk well into my teens. And despite the constant reiteration that, “Sex is a good thing in the right context,” sex and sexuality were always fraught with shame.

For the hours and hours my folks devoted to sex talks, most of the time was devoted to preaching on chastity, STDs, pregnancy and how men use women for sex. I knew Part A went in Part B. That much was clear. The rest was hazy.

Sex Ed Done Wrong

Until the ripe ol’ age of sixteen, it seemed that sex was mainly for men. Women allowed it to get love, get a boyfriend, whatever. But they got burned, because the love wasn’t real and the guy split after Part A went in Part B and something called an “ejaculation” happened. That’s about all I knew. I didn’t know women, as well as men, might actually desire sex until years and years later.

At sixteen, another detail was revealed. That day, I was closeted with my father while he detailed the minutae of the female orgasm. Not that he used that word. No, he just explained the physical phenomenon. This is one of the events that my therapist finds most disturbing.

Where was my mother at this most delicate of times? Ten feet away hiding in another room. It was much more important for her to gossip on the phone with Granny than to be there for her daughter. Naturally, this sex talk was terminated abruptly when I started to cry.

It would be another year before I heard the word “orgasm” for the first time. It was yelled at me by an angry parent, although I have no idea why or how it came up. Naturally, I waited for them to calm down before asking what “orgasm” meant. I’d never heard nor read that word before.

For the hours and hours they devoted to the topic, I now realize how badly my sex ed was done. I was told that the women “had better” get back into the mood if something distracts her during sex. I was told that only my future husband should be the source of orgasm. There was a vaguest allusion to “not pulling out all the way,” but somehow I completely missed the fact that movement is integral to sex. There was only the briefest mention of a non-missionary sexual position. And there was something about the gentleman holding back, but that too didn’t make much sense.

In my mid-teens, I decided that I’d be damned if I showed the slightest interest in sex, giving my parents any chance to shame me. This made their sex talks longer, more aggressive, more prone to end in anger because “you’re not interested and we can’t get through to you.” What teen is NOT curious about sex!?

Shame, Shame, Shame

Meanwhile, there was shame.

At six, my father was angry when I kissed a boy on the arm. At fourteen, my mother accused me of being seductive towards my father, of flaunting my femininity. At sixteen, I was removed from school. At eighteen, Dad kept initiating sex talks I neither started nor wanted. At twenty-three, accused of “having bad sexual genetics” and “buying sex” because I was taking ballroom dance lessons. I was also told that sex was a spiritual experience, unable to be understood and properly appreciated by young adults. At twenty-six, accused of hiding a “dirty book” under the bed and exposing my lily-pure mother to filth when she looked through it. At twenty-seven, forced to dump my date because he kissed me on the cheek. Forbidden from having sexy lingerie or as Mom snapped accusingly, “Why!? Who ya’ gonna show it to!?” At thirty-one, cross-examined and told, “We just don’t have the time to get you un-addicted from porn.” What porn!?! And until the day I moved out, they hovered, listening, outside my bedroom door. Putting away my clean laundry provided a natural excuse for searching my dresser drawers…for what!?!

This article is for informational and educational purposes only. Under no circumstances should it be considered therapy nor replace therapy and treatment. If you are feeling suicidal, thinking about hurting yourself, or are concerned that someone you know may be in danger of hurting himself or herself, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255). It is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and is staffed by certified crisis response professionals. The content of these blogs and all blogs written by Lenora Thompson are merely her opinion. If you are in need of help, please contact qualified mental health professionals.

About Lenora Thompson

Lenora Thompson is a syndicated Huffington Post and YourTango freelance writer and Pyrography Artist. Her readers call her the "Edward Snowden" and "Wikileaks" of narcissism because of her no-holds-barred-take-no-prisoners approach to writing about narcissism.
“Narcissism Meets Normalcy” is the real-life, ongoing story of her recent escape from being held “hostage” by a multi-generational, cult-like narcissistic family. It's gritty and real, bloody and bruised, humorous and sarcastic. Lenora Thompson considers herself a “whistleblower,” shining a spotlight on narcissistic abuse so others can also claim their freedom and experience healing.
To hire Mrs. Thompson for freelance writing or commission personalized pyrography artwork, please visit her website. To learn more about her, subscribe for weekly updates and view her art gallery, please visit www.lenorathompsonwriter.com.