There's a "letter" making the rounds lately on the internet--a supposed "apology" to Americans by a Canadian. It's unbelievably condescending and with a primary purpose of attacking us. Now, I know a number of Canadians of sense and good taste and I say that not just because I tend to agree with them. At the very least, they wouldn't stoop to such ugly tactics as to embed a snide attack in the veneer of humor. Now, the advent of this letter happens to coincide with a number of recent communications I've had with other friends from Canada that contained really cruel comments about Americans--somehow forgetting that, well, I am one. Well, I've had it with that crap so I crafted the following just because I can as a response in kind-sort-of-thing*.

Apologies to Canadians,

On behalf of Americans everywhere, I'd like to offer an apology to Canada. We haven't thought of you much lately, and we're sorry if you've been feeling neglected. It has been shocking the kind of vituperation you've had to resort to in order to get our attention and I guess we have been neglecting you lately.

I'm sorry we can't remember any of your political leaders. I keep looking for them on CNN or at the UN, but they seem to be forever "on break" or to have "stepped out" when world events are heating up or something.

I'm sorry that all you have to offer in trade for our stuff is a bunch of soft timber. I can see how you might be defensive if your most notorious export grows on its own in the wild. I'm sure we could relocate a computer firm, think-tank, or I don't know, religious cult or something to liven it up up there. And I have to give you props for all the artists you keep sending us. I mean, I could take or leave Celine Dion, Loverboy, or William Shatner but it's nice of you to let them come over here to entertain us all these years. And hey, good work on the X-files. Again, I'm sorry they all have to come here to "make it big"--I'm sure they enjoyed being small at home while growing up, though.

I'm sorry the RCMP got stuck with those funny stiff uniforms, though we have to admit that they do set them off from their horses (no mistaking one for the other--a leading design decision, I'm sure). We've tried to spare you having to pay for an actual military all these years to help make up for the embarrassment. Wasting the spare cash on socialized medicine isn't how we'd have spent the money, but there you go. And hey, we're still here for those surgeries that are too complicated or too urgent to bother going through all the paper work.

And I'm really sorry that you got talked into declaring French your national second language. We're all for multi-lingualism if you want it, but who'd have thought you'd pick a cheesy, whiney language like French? I guess it's the fault of all those Quebecoise. Really you should let them separate already and get it over with. Maybe you can throw in a free one-way trip to France and let them truly separate. You know we'd back you on that one.

And I know the metric system never really caught on down here but we all thought it was a joke! A measuring system invented by snooty Frenchmen using metres and litres (I mean, come on don't they have any imagination in frog-land) just had to be a put-on. Sure it made math easier, but scientists and mathematicians are supposed to be smart, ya'know?

And finally, on behalf of all Americans, I'm sorry we can't bother learning all those idiosyncrasies that make you oh-so interesting up there. Sew a zed on a tuch and ship it down on the next dogsled and we'll see if we can't put it in a museum with a plaque or something. We'll even put it in a theatre in a real town centre and won't even ask for a cheque if that'd make you happy.

Hey, don't worry about knocking us when we really need you. We liked being friends and all, but if you feel it's time to move on, well, you gotta do what you gotta do. You want to stand up on your own, please feel free to kick us in the teeth on your way. All the jealousy and feelings of inferiority need an outlet; that's understandable. Turning on our friends isn't how we'd do it, but then, we haven't had to listen to France in their native tongue all these years, either--I suppose it was bound to rub off eventually.

In the meantime, there's some work we've got to do and we can't rely on our friends to do the heavy lifting for us. We'll be a bit more preoccupied than usual and that's bound to exacerbate your need for attention. I'm sorry, can't be helped, there's some bad men trying to kill us and take away our freedoms and force their theocratic fascism on the rest of the world. You've stood with us against tyrants before; we understand if you don't feel up to it this time around...