hello.. my name is Aaron, i am 30 years old... i am new here to the ehealth.... i have recently engaged into a relationship and my girlfriend has pretty severe depression and anxiety. she told me her story and issues before we started to date, no surprises... beyond the current issues she is a wonderful person.

i guess what brought me here to ehealth was to maybe find some answers and/or suggestions on how to help this person and not be a over bearing person or try to help too much and push her away... her depression and anxiety stems from lots of past history of a non loving relationship with her mom and leading to a bad fall out all together. i have already been pushed away once, i tried to be there...tried to fix things right away and learned quickly that i was not doing the right thing. i dont wanna sound bad, but i dont have any major issues...nothing to compare, my life is pretty good...my girls life is in a major low and i want to make things better.. she is very independent.. i got myself into alot...ehhh

All you can do for now is listen, talk, and be there. I know it sounds like naff advice, but it's what she needs. She clearly has many unresolved issues, some of which relate to a non caring, negative relationship with her mum. By listening to her opening up about this relationship, she will gain trust in your relationship, and eventually you may be in a position to help her. Her independance may be what causes her to push you away. She might feel as if you're trying to sort things for her, and while this- to you- seems like the best thing to do to make her hurt go away, to her it is most likely seen as weakness on her part, an inability to take care of herself. It sounds strange, but when you try and see it from her point of view...
Anyway, you clearly seem devoted to her, and seem to love her lots. Make sure she doesn't forget that.
Hope I helped,
Lauren.

lauren...thankyou for that advice...i kind of needed to hear that from someone else.... i know thats what i need to do but its no my nature...im a giver..a helper..so hard to give space and not be able to fix things...

she had a melt down last sunday...told me she didnt want to drag me into her problems nor did she want anyone to "care" about her... it was hard to let her have her space and deal with her issues...today she sent me a text...id rather a call..but ill take what i get... and she was missing me ...i told her sunday i didnt want to be a hero...although id love to do what you said i cant...and thats make her better and make the hurt go away...

It's ok , and I understand how hard it must be to be in this position given your nature.
You are doing the best that you can, and you shouldn't forget that. The fact she said that she was missing you indicates that she loves you, and wants you there. So something that you were doing must be working.
I think it's really good that you gave her her space.
You don't have to answer this if you don't want to, but does she see anyone else, like a doctor or counsellor? It's just that if you are supporting her alone, that must be an incredible worry for you, and whilst its brilliant that you do care enough to be her emotional support, some of that weight could be taken off of your shoulders.
But aside from that, you are doing an incredible job already, honestly. Keep it up!
Lauren.

Hi-Welcome to the forum..
I understand where your girlfriend is at..Before my mom became terminal we really didn't get along well..She had a habit of hurting people verbally..I too kinda drew into myself with her and it's something I had to deal with..You can talk with someone but it is so personal a thing when you and your mom have such a horrible relationship..This is the woman who bore you and gave birth to you..My mom and I also had something happen between us very personal that it is not something I would discuss with anyone.. I had to work out within me pray over and finally forgive mom..I had to forgive myself as well and then mom..I forgave myself becsue you have all this ugliness that swells within..You end up saying and doing things you hate and it makes you feel ugly inside..Everytime the thought or anger came into my mind I went through the forgivenss process..It was a little over a year but finally I was free of that pain and able to be with her and help her when she was terminal..I didn't forget-I chose to forgive..When something eats at you so bad you have to do something to move forward..Pain is like a cancer an it eats away at you until there is nothing but these ugly sores..

I just wanted to say that I know it must be really hard for you to deal with, but you are an amazing person for being there for her. I myself, deal with anxiety (OCD, mostly). I do not know how my boyfriend has been there for me every step of the way. Sometimes I can be pretty rude to him. For no reason. Just know....its is so hard to deal with and from the girlfriend side, we hate to put our loved ones through it as well. Hence, the pulling away. But the BEST thing you can do is just be there for her. I know its tough....continue to be strong and just let her know how much you love her. I would not be where I am today without the love of my boyfriend. Also another tip-try not to take things personal, i know thats hard too, but most of the things she may say in frustration to you or at you, she probably doesn't mean. We are so lucky to have men like you in our lives. I send you two my best.

crazy ...i seriously thought i was a lost cause in this situation ... this has helped me continue to be there for her...its been a ruff past few weeks..thank you to all.. all the info is helping me learn a better way to help and how to deal with the issues...

I'm really glad. It takes a strong person to live with someone with a mental disorder. Every time it gets rough just remember how much you are helping her. As I read your post I instantly understood what was going on. I know exactly what she is doing. It kind of helps me too I think, knowing I'm not the only one dealing with something like this. I myself have told my boyfriend that we should break up because he shouldn't have to go through this. But he basically tells me he is going no where and for that I am so happy. I have dealt with anxiety for years and recently I had a fall back BUT ONE THING I know for sure is that there will be a time when she finds peace. I remember everybody telling me one day it would get better and I remember thinking to myself, yea right. But it does. And it makes you stronger. So if you have any questions , feel free to ask and take care if yourself.

Hey man i am feeling like im in the same boat. A girl thats been through stuffi couldnt imagine. I have issues, im a recovering addict about 2 months clean off of a 4 month relapse after 4 years of sobriety. But girl i met i have known since childhood, but im struggling to maintain focus amidst her confusing signals of love and distance. Please give me some guidance or some relavance if you can. Thanks. ya'll.

Your a good person! There is a lot you can do.they have some anxiety ranch in the mid-west I think Linda bassett or basins idk.. owns it..I forgot the name.it's a very cool little vacation you guys can take.it will teach you both how to relax and ...or if your schedules are too busy there is springforest qigong courses you can go online and search it and that's about 150.00.it is good because it really teaches hiw to calm your body down.this is a hard climb for a person with anxiety and I think it's amazing you are trying to help her.A complimentary md (both alternative with a md degree) can also really help a lot..you can search a c a m on the net for one near you. Good luck to you both.

Hey aaron242
One of the few things that kept my relationship togather when I was dating someone with severe anxiety issues was having firm ground rules for resolving problems. One of them was a hard and fast rule that I wouldn't acknowledge a break-up that didn't happen face to face and I wouldn't act on it for 72 hours afterwards. About once every 3 months she'd do something to sabotage the relationship but usually the anxiety that was causing her to sabotage would prevent her from facing me. If she did have a reaction so strong that she could confront me she usually realized it was a mistake within a day or so and we'd put things back togather. In the end I didn't have the strength to deal with her but your girlfriend sounds a lot better off than mine was. Don't hesitate to make her get help if things start to get out of hand for you. Anxiety can be a catalyst for other issues that you're not equipped to deal with.
Good luck

I am so happy to have found this forum b/c I feel so alone right now. My gf and I truly loved one another. The best 3 months of our lives. We would occasionally have problems, but they were always things that seemed so small to me--like how we're, according to her, so different. Which we are somewhat different, but that doesn't matter to me. Things that I saw as little but she saw as greater, which was my first mistake. But we always worked through it, and that's another reason I love her. Then it suddently ended out of the blue. She kept telling me she didn't know why she felt unsure about us; she couldn't put a finger on it, and that really frustrated me. Never would I yell at her, but I would pry. She hates prying. After 6 days of this, she thought it's best for us to take a break b/c she's not happy with life in general and has to get herself happy. That it's unfair to put me through this. I kept telling her that I'll work her through it, that I understand and can deal w/ her confusion, but she kept saying that nobody can help her but herself. That I am the best guy she's ever met, but love isn't good enough right now for her. Is this breakup real is what I want to know...permanent? Or is it something we can work through? I've read so many similar posts on here. It really helps. But now I've screwed up bc. I confided in my mom about this and told her what my ex is dealing with. I had no one to talk to, and when I told my ex that I spoke to my mom and that both she and I were there for her, to help her through all of this because how she is feeling is not her fault, she really got upset. More upset than I've ever seen her (she is always so good to me--never nasty). On one hand, I understand why, mainly bc. of the posts I'm reading. Don't tell, listen--I struggle w/ that. I am just trying to help, though, and I keep telling her that I will ALWAYS be here for her, waiting to lend a hand, and I will love her unconditionally no matter what. But is there anything else I can do to get her to forgive me? Do I have to give her space? That's so hard, but if so, how long? I just want answers to a situation that has none. Anyone...? So far, this has been a huge help.

Everyone seems to be giving great advice. I agree that anyone that is under severe stress, also feels weak. They don''t want to be in whatever situation makes them feel that way. And most often then not, they believe there is no way out, and that somehow, it will make you hate them in the long run. So some people push the ones they love the most, far away. Hoping they can fix everything on their own. I''m not sure if this is the right advice, but I say if you love this person, you convince them that you do, and inform them that you understand they are stressed or depressed, and that with 2 people working on a problems, things go by so much smoother. Everyone needs to feel loved, no matter how they view the attention, or define love. Anyone that''s depressed and stressed shouldnt be allowed to cut themselves off from everyone, because things usually get worse at that point. Believe in each other; this is when love shows itself the most.

My boyfriend has been suffering from severe social anxiety as well as anxiety for a year and a bit now. He developed it when we started dating, but he did not tell me until 9 months into our relationship. It's really hard to deal with it, i still don't know how i am doing this. He's tried to explain to me so many times what it's like and how hard it is for him to go places with me. I never really understood that and for that i feel guilty that i can't help him and can't understand what it's like. He means the world to me and i want to be here for him. So i absolutely understand where your coming from. The hardest thing is knowing that you can't take it away and that they are suffering and missing out on all of the wanders and joy life brings. But being there, talking and listening and giving them all the support they need and trying your hardest to understand them is vital. Hopefully when or if it ever goes away they will know that you were there and never gave up on them.
I hope you get through it just like me, im still going through it and i hope to God one day it is completely erased from him and his memory, if it was my only wish it would be that.
All the best x

I'm so happy to have found this forum as well. It seems to have gone on for a while. I'm in a relationship with someone with extreme anxiety. I'm also a 'fixer' and a 'giver' like the original guy that posted. When my girlfriend cries its an instinct for me to comfort her but she just wants to be alone. Its so hard for me to just leave her alone but when I push to hold her, it just upsets her even more. Most of the time she winds up shouting mean things at me and then cries even more. Many times we will just be watching tv and she'll burst into tears for no apparent reason. She has many past issues with family abuse and neglect from her mother and grandmother and has been in unhealthy relationships. She has finally decided to see a therapist but as she starts therapy it seems to be getting worse before it gets better. Her therapist assures me the outbursts of anger are not at me but its hard not to take them to heart. She also says that being in a loving relationship with me might have brought all this anxiety to the surface. I feel horriable that I cause this and it seems like everything I do makes her anxiety worse when all I really want to do is take all this pain and anger away from her. I love this woman and hope to marry her one day but sometimes its so hard to deal with the anxiety attacks. When things get tough I really have to focus on the fact that this isn't her fault and she's trying to get better. But I fear this situation is going to get worse as therapy goes along before it gets better and I'm worried I'm going to loose her in the process. Please give some advice and positive ways to help her.

hello my name is zach and i am 19 years old.... two nights ago my girlfriend who i dated for 7 months broke up with me. She has really bad depression/anxiety, and she sees a doctor. Her doctor has tried many medications with her but none seem to work. The 7 months we were together there were a few times that we almost broke up because of her depression, and she was just so stressed out. I was her first real relationship, and she didnt know how to handle her stress to well in the relationship. She said she felt trapped. She couldnt stop worrying about the future either and was afraid of commitment. She loves me and cares about me so much even though we just broke up. After a while she told me the reason she came back those few times when we almost broke up. She would feel so guilty seeing me upset and want to stay. I feel that may not be the only reason but maybe because she loved and cared about me a lot. All those times we were talking in person, but a few nights ago she wanted to do it over phone so she wouldnt feel as guilty and want to come back. She said she couldnt keep sacrificing her mental stability for being in this relationship and it wasnt fair to me or her. It hurts me so much right now. I want to talk to her so badly and be there to support her through her depression. I miss her so much. She stills wants to talk and see me but not right now, maybe in a few days she said. I feel like she was the one for me, and i wanted us to stay together through our college years. But she just didnt see me being with her if she gets married. I dont know if that is her anxiety saying that or not. I really need some support or advice. I know this is a lot to read but it is the only way i could condense it.