Just a journal. Go Me.

Entries tagged with life

First, sharing This. more for the 'look at the family and philanthropist stuff!' more than anything (this is why, after years of just going 'yeah, the band does good music', I've become a fan of the man himself).

Second...logged into RIFT a week or so ago to find out that they'd 1) more than halved their available servers (so I wound up logging into 'empty' test servers that I had to transfer my characters out of), and that they've allowed for only one active PvE/Rp server (and none for the PvP/RP players).

Which was both jarring and also caused me to start a new batch of characters on a strictly PvE server, because getting constantly DC'd and having to que to get into the game is not my idea of fun. Fortunately, I DID locate my guild, so the old characters still have a home, but that point might become moot if I continue to not want to log onto an overloaded server. The new server is still on the low end, and I actually kinda like it that way.

RP wise...I feel like I'm spinning my heels at this point, really. The game I'm in is mostly slice-of-life, which is fine, except I;m playing a character who 1) Needs something more than 'slice of life' to keep him from just pretty much going through the motions day in and day out (and therefor have nothing interesting to write about) and is 2) in a point from canon where, if he's going to feel attached to people, he needs something more out of them than 'oh hey, you're that guy that's great for being sane and a shoulder to cry on!'. He needs some shoulder himself. And stability. And...yeah.

Still love the game, love the players, but I'm just...feeling like I'm wasting time, if that makes sense. And I'll be honest; part of that feeling is coming from being on Plurk, trying to participate in memes and the like...and barely getting acknowledged. I'm not exactly the most social person in the world, and I have my own issues with thinking people actually don't want me around. Plurk? Does not help these feelings.

In real life: bah. No, seriously. I'm debt free now, but still (as ever,) struggling with just getting past the mind set of 'surviving' and getting into that 'living' thing. I feel like I wasted all my chances at something better than just tossing boxes and sharing a small place to live with the cats. I'm going between 'everything is okay (but not great)' and 'this is all life has for me, and it's not much' to 'god, you're fucking lame for whining about your life when you can barely keep it together enough to just do basic lifeskill things, and it's your own damned fault that it's like that'.

It just...never ends. And I'm really tired of it, and really tired of feeling like I'm whining over spilled milk. And then running in circles. Like...you know...now.

What I want (none of which I expect to get, either because I don't expect the universe to hand it to me, or because I understand that I undermine myself with thinking I can't get it done...):

Definitely to make more money than I do.Be a fucking pro writer (hahahahah...yeah, right. Good luck with that one, kid)Barring the wet dream above, get a job that I actually like and am not just doing because...those are the only skills I have to offer.For god's sake, I would just. like. to. have. that. one. special. person. in. my. life. Haven't I already done enough time on the bullshit end of love?A labotomization of all the crap in my head that hamstrings me at every turn. Words; they mean nothing. Action; like plowing through molasses in winter. I'd like my sense of self worth back, please. I haven't seen it since I was a kid.

Anyway, there's my 'holy shit, why am I still awake at this hour??' whine for the month.

Hugs would be appreciated, but not expected. Wisdom, too. Because the 'Imma gonna figure this one out on my own' button isn't working at the moment.

My past has been giving me wedgies lately. It's the only way to describe how I feel about stuff that's been cropping up.

My mom, which I haven't spoken to in years, sends me a Christmas card with money inside.

The ex that sized a ring and an apartment lease on me and then disappeared (only for me to be told by his mom two months later he was marrying a different girl), has tried twice now to get me to talk to him on Facebook.

And the ex? Yes, that ex.

...They just found her dead in her apartment this morning.

And I'm just...I've hit the shock button I think. Because I know there's a lot going on in that head of mine right now, but I'm just...so numb.

My boss sent me home. I've been doing my best to find some sort of info for people to use to get hold of her family...which...yeah, I have none. Can't even locate her old journals or Yahoo accounts. And although I know she was on Facebook...she isn't now. Or at least I can't find her.

I've been getting into Second life a little; it's kinda fun to wander around people's home made sims and see what they did with them. I did spend a little money on player made modifications, and decided to go ahead and model my avatar after my WoW hunter, and so here she is, all nice and gothic-ized and moderned out for the camera.

Hey...it's something to do, right?

In other news; I've set the wheel in motion to start (free) counsiling for my depression.My left heel is constantly hurting.My boss actually finally told me I HAVE to take two days off in a row in the next month (which is a huge change from all the times in the past year where I'd ask when I good time was and always get the 'not now' reply), so I'm aiming for next Monday and Tuesday, or the one after that.I've been feeling sick, exhausted, unloved and freaked out for about a month and a half now.

Oh, and yeah, I'm getting sent to collections by my hospital for the worker's comp bill from LAST JANUARY, even though I've repeatedly done everything my rep told me to do to keep that from happening (Because not only am I not supposed to be paying for it, but I should have never seen a bill at all...well, I've seen about six by now).

Between the depression and the sheer stress of YET AGAIN having my credit fucked up by outside sources, I've been spending a good portion of the night alternating between screaming at the heavens and crying.

And watching the second Crow movie and being annoyed that the guy who got the part won it out from under Bon Jovi (who, yes, did audition for it).

So, yeah, my life is fucking great, how about you?

(Sarcasm...it does not do well on text).

Anyway, enjoy the icon. I'm going to go make my sixth attempt at trying to go to bed without getting angry and waking myself up all over again.

Anyhow, yes, I'm okay. Work has been trying to kill me, depression was trying to tell me that curling up in a ball and never coming back out into the Big Scary World is a good idea, and...stuff.

I have been RPing on LJ on my favorite guy, although even that went kinda south for a bit while I convinced myself that I Was Doing It Wrong somehow, and Everyone Hated Me...that was an adventure. And my writing muse went right out the damn window and refuses to come back while I'm like this.

The good news? We got a new, extra guy to help at work these last two weeks, (although I'm still stressed enough to loathe my job at the moment, and it's making my shoulder act up again), I'm feeling better about my RP, and I'm actually starting to make headway in the "Let's Sock Back Some Money For That Apocolyptic Rainy Day" department. At least until the car finally blows up, or something. And I've started making maps and planning plot for an RP...that I actually will likely never get off the ground. >>

PS: I want a pony Winning the lottery would be nice right about now; it would make quitting my job and writing my ass off all day every day so much more feasible.

Um...anyway, yes I am alive. Thank you and *hugs* to those of you who came looking--I apologize for not responding at the time. I was honestly fucked up enough that it seemed...I dunno what it seemed like. I will however try and write you guys back this week with, you know, something resembling a real conversation (even my dad has only been getting 'I hate my life, I hate my job, god this sucks' for a few months now. :/).

Love and hugs and stuffs.

PPS: Still love you guys; just haven't been in the 'love zone' lately myself.