Recent Thoughts.. *Poss Trig(?)*

Well.. I'm not writting this nessicarily for advice.. I just wanted to write.. I've been having a lot going on in my head.. Been off meds a year now..

I feel like I'm selfish a lot of the time when I end up getting into rants because of certain subjects.. And I feel like when I'm ranting I'm in some kind of state where my anger takes control..

For New Years my ex gf was over.. and tbh I was so confused and it hurt me so much.. More then I really want to talk about here..

Recently my job changed locations until they re-locate to the new one.. And because I am on the bus system I can't get to work..

Same day I called my supervisor to tell her I couldn't work it.. (And she kinda yelled at me saying "Its not my reponsibility to get you to work," not that I was asking for that) I got a phone call from the place I was reffered to for my new therapist.. And the therapist apparently quit... so.. I have no refferal.. and my other therapist already closed me..

So now I am going to call my pcp for a visit and maybe a referal on monday..

We have to come up with rent next month.. And also look into moving either into an appartment or get a loan and into a house.. witch actually looks better because the loan payment for some we found was cheaper then a 2bd for rent..

And idk.. I origionally wanted to talk to a new therapist about my gender dysphoria.. But I've also been having some problems with my emotions..

When my ex gf was here I ended up SH-ing.. And since have continued thinking about it and wanting to again.. I Haven't SH-ed in a very long time..

And recently.. I have been going thru rapid changes in mood.. I try and be positive about life.. and then I get frusterated in bursts about the world and bs.. Usually short periods of time..

I feel like no one listens to me.. I feel like there are people on here who dislike me.. or have something against me..

I look back and regret so much I've said and am afraid to say anything for fear of regretting more..

I feel like chat here has become a playground and no one cares about anyone else much anymore.. And those who do are few..

I talk to people on other places.. and they are all dealing with things.. I don't want to put more burden on them.. but it feels like no one else will listen..

I talk to my roomies about my frustration too.. but they also are all dealing with their own issues.. It's stressful for us all..

I hide behind a facade of simply ok, or not talking at all.. When maybe I'm seriously hurting inside..

I feel like I'm in a world full of robot zombies.. none of them seeing what really is going on with this world..

I feel alone.. like I'm on a seperate level.. and no one cares.. And no one else can be on that level..

I do want those people to know they do help me a lot.. And you know who you are.. That talk to me almost daily..

I'm paranoid.. a bit.. about seeing a new therapist.. I'm afraid of telling them what I really feel and think right now because I don't want to be forced meds.. or locked up.. Or brainwashed..

But at the same time I'm not sure how far these bursts will go.. this frustration that bursts in and completely change my entire mood..

Hi sorry you feel people don't get you or understand hun I don't think anyone here is really against you that maybe your depression making you think that. I am glad you are able to vent some of the thoughts out. I hope you get a referral soon to a new therapist so you can get the help you need to keep you stable hugs You can vent here anytime hun okay noone will judge you hugs

Been fighting the SH thoughts again tonight.. ugh.. I really need to call my pcp tomarrow.. I need a referal.. My head is spinning in nothingness.. anger, frusteration.. I don't know why.. :/ my head just says fml.. I feel so lost in what to do with my life.. and what is the point.. I NEED something to be good at.. I NEED to be known.. I feel so alone in this trapped nothingness.. And don't really feel like many ppl care.. There are a few don't get me wrong.. Idk.. I just right now feel like a useless shell.. searching for what to do with my life and only finding frustration and broken fragments..

Still fighting SH.. Don't have enough money to cover next months rent total.. Even if sell stuff what would be point? would have to again come up with it.. so must give our 30 days by end of week.. And find a place to move to before we run out on time.. Otherwise we have no where to go..

See doctor Friday.. get a referal for a therapist I hope..

But for now we have looked into or are looking into all options.. Just very difficult right now.. and all we can do is hope we find a place open and willing to work with us..

I just dunno.. I don't want to care.. but my mind isn't like that.. I can't do anything but think of things unless they are resolved.. so my head will stay on this cycle until something is done.. fml.

Hi Shadow, I know how you're feeling as I've been going through and dealing with many similar things myself recently. I too routinely get the feeling that no one cares or listens or takes the effort to read between the lines. I joined many similar websites before this one and was always ignored completely. Here luckily has been somewhat different and several people have been welcoming(and most importantly a very special couple have been completely non-judging or done the usual "get help", "talk to a 'professional' " and have just listened an talked to me). I just found out my therapist had a death in the family and apparently won't be back for weeks so I'm without a therapist now too for awhile. Anyway I just wanted to say I know what it can be like(not saying I know exactly what you're going through as each person is different and personally I hate it when people say "I know how your feeling") and that if you want you can feel free to talk to me. I won't judge or push you to do something you don't want too, I'll just be here to be someone to talk to and connect with if you want too.