The cast of "Red Dawn" fight the North Koreans. These three wussies won't be much help, but luckily, in the real world, they would have a lot of backup. Click through to see our top 15 reasons this scenario will never ever happen ... (Photo: Ron Phillips/Film District/MCT)

15. THE UFC: If we're all going to die, die standing up ... or use your ground game. If I'm the "Red Dawn" commander, I'm dropping a few strategic nukes on the San Francisco Bay Area, Las Vegas, Albuquerque and other mixed martial arts hotbeds. Either that or appoint Dana White Minister of Information.

Photo: Kin Cheung, Associated Press

15. THE UFC: If we're all going to die, die standing up ... or use...

15. THE UFC: If we're all going to die, die standing up ...... Photo-3766514.52727 - SFGate

Image 3 of 18

14. CIVIL WAR REENACTORS: The first "Red Dawn" showed us what happens to people who register their recently purchased firearms. (Bad things ... and it's the Democrats' fault!) But that doesn't account for about 50,000 Civil War reeactors and the swords and muskets they've been passing down for six generations. (Brant Ward / The Chronicle)

13. THE MYTHBUSTERS: Nine years and a couple hundred episodes later, who knows how much of an arsenal these guys have stocked away. Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman pose here with a cannon that shoots frozen chickens. Put 10 or 12 of these near Fort Funston, and the West Coast should be secure. (Scott Sommerdorf / The Chronicle 2003)

Photo: SCOTT SOMMERDORF, SFC

13. THE MYTHBUSTERS: Nine years and a couple hundred episodes...

13. THE MYTHBUSTERS: Nine years and a couple hundred episodes... Photo-3766516.52727 - SFGate

Image 5 of 18

12. ROLLER DERBY GIRLS: When you take the time to build a league from scratch and give yourself names like Baron Von Punchhausen and Lethally Blonde, you're not going to give in easy to totalitarian rule. Avenge me, Richmond Wrecking Belles! Avenge me! (Mike Kepka / The Chronicle 2007)

Photo: Mike Kepka, SFC

12. ROLLER DERBY GIRLS: When you take the time to build a league...

12. ROLLER DERBY GIRLS: When you take the time to build a league... Photo-3766517.52727 - SFGate

Image 6 of 18

11. CRITICAL MASS:These bicyclists would welcome the invaders if they produced carbon credits to offset the emissions made by their aircraft and tanks. But the "Red Dawn" bombers are running on leaded fuel. So park your tank on the other side of Market Street and read your smart phone for 45 minutes like everyone else.

10. FOOTBALL FANS: This photo is actually a false stereotype. The fans in the Black Hole at Oakland games are among the nicest in football. But head to the cheap seats at a Raiders or 49ers game, and you'll find plenty of angry fans who don't like to take orders. Because one man's drunk tank is another man's militia.

Photo: Tony Avelar, Associated Press

10. FOOTBALL FANS: This photo is actually a false stereotype. The...

10. FOOTBALL FANS: This photo is actually a false stereotype.... Photo-3766519.52727 - SFGate

Image 8 of 18

9. CROSSING GUARDS: I once saw a guard stare down a driver so hard that her Acura SUV burst into flames. Next to the secret service, crossing guards are the most aggressively protective force in the country. No way an invasion gets near a school -- especially between the hours of 7:20 to 9 a.m. and 2:50 to 4 p.m.

Photo: Anna Vignet, The Chronicle

9. CROSSING GUARDS: I once saw a guard stare down a driver so hard...

9. CROSSING GUARDS: I once saw a guard stare down a driver so... Photo-3766520.52727 - SFGate

Image 9 of 18

8. TEAMSTERS: You should never even try to shorten a Teamster's lunch break by 10 minutes. Imagine if an outside force tried to parachute in take government control of all production. Because you can't take orders from an invading general who has been run over by a Safeway truck ... (Paul Chinn / The Chronicle)

Photo: PAUL CHINN, SFC

8. TEAMSTERS: You should never even try to shorten a Teamster's...

8. TEAMSTERS: You should never even try to shorten a... Photo-3766521.52727 - SFGate

Image 10 of 18

7. ANDRE WARD: This kid is like the Captain America of Oakland. Whether it's a foreign invasion, zombie attack or Kelly Pavlik. I'm going to Vegas and betting on Ward by TKO in the eighth.

Photo: Michael Macor, The Chronicle

7. ANDRE WARD: This kid is like the Captain America of Oakland....

7. ANDRE WARD: This kid is like the Captain America of Oakland.... Photo-3766522.52727 - SFGate

Image 11 of 18

6. LYNYRD SKYNYRD FANS: I could have also replaced this with "Auburn Tigers fans," "Talladega Superspeedway Patrons" or just The South. Can you imagine what would happen if a couple dozen foreign paratroopers dropped into a state fair during the middle of "Call Me the Breeze"? There will be no prisoners ... (James Nielsen / Houston Chronicle)

6. LYNYRD SKYNYRD FANS: I could have also replaced this with...

6. LYNYRD SKYNYRD FANS: I could have also replaced this with... Photo-3766523.52727 - SFGate

Image 12 of 18

5. THE MAFIA: I'm so scared of real the real mafia, I'm using this publicity photo from "On the Waterfront" instead of a photo of a real dude from La Cosa Nostra. (Associated Press photo)

4. THE WU-TANG CLAN: Pretty sure they already wrote something about a potential invasion. I quote the GZA: "War of the masses/The outcome, disastrous/Many of the victim family save they ashes/A million names on walls engraved in plaques/Those who went back, received penalties for their acts." (Laura Morton / The Chronicle 2006)

3. ED HOCHULI: Having National Football League ref Ed Hochuli on television every week may be our greatest deterrent to a foreign invasion. Would you invade a country where even the referees have bodies like Thor from "The Avengers"?

2. MOTORCYCLE CLUBS: Maybe I've been watching too much "Sons of Anarchy," but the combination of motorcycle club patriotism, access to contraband and old ladies who don't take any crap make any country with more than one chapter a poor target for invasion. Try Iceland next time ... (Michael Macor / The Chronicle)

1. GWAR: I can't tell if the guys in this band are 30 or 60. But if I'm invading the U.S. from outer space, and run into a Gwar show, I'd turn my flying saucer the hell around. Which would have been a much better plot for "Signs." (Gwar.net)

1. GWAR: I can't tell if the guys in this band are 30 or 60. But if...

1. GWAR: I can't tell if the guys in this band are 30 or... Photo-3766528.52727 - SFGate

Image 17 of 18

The 1984 "Red Dawn." Because all that hate's going to burn you up, kid ...

The 1984 "Red Dawn." Because all that hate's going to...

The 1984 &quot;Red Dawn.&quot; Because all that... Photo-3766529.52727 - SFGate