A journey through discovery of identity and purpose in Christ, in a crazy world

Get The Door: Ep2

This is part two of the three- part series. you can read part one here Get The Door: Ep1

The discontentment had not always been obvious. For the most part, it seemed like righteous anger at all the things that didn’t seem to be working. Why did I have to be the one with the terrible skin disease or the one constantly overweight no matter how much I ‘dieted’, why this or that? The questions were endless and though there were times I would casually wave them off, anytime there was another nasty look at the eczematous skin on my neck, arms or legs from someone or another rejection in whatever form or a set-back, I would go back to wondering, why me?

Not every one of these were overt, rather, a gradual build up had slowly laid brick on brick and led to a deep-seated discontentment that just had it’s own forms of expression. And with these came other emotions and attitudes; a labile mood, an impatience with self and others, a need to feel appreciated or liked by people, the desperate need to fit in and be like others or to have certain things and relationships because it felt like it was just time and I was growing ‘old’, along with the fear of being ‘left behind’ among other thoughts and emotions. ‘Maybe if I did this or that, then I would have this friend or that friend or maybe if I did this or that then I would have this or that’ were common thoughts. For a girl who was deeply loved by her parents and siblings, this seemed quite unusual but that was her reality.

The weight did come with some work and the skin improved but the people still came and went. ‘What more did I have to do to get them to stay’, I would think. Yet the more I did, the worse everything got and the worse I went on to think AND feel about myself. Nothing was working. Interestingly, this was not only damaging people’s view of me but my view of people as well, and in turn affecting my social interactions, my work, my family life and my faith in God. A vicious cycle had started and by myself I had no way of truly realizing what was happening or even beginning to realize how to stop it and turn it around or make it better, something only likened to falling down an abyss.