Satisfying Your Gaming Addiction

The Most Important and Surprising Discovery in the History of Videogames Research.

We have entered a new, superior age of knowledge, wisdom, and, most likely, space travel.
Since the year Spacewar made its mark as father of the videogame era, there has been one question that all human beings have been asking. A singular question, one so philosophical, religious, and scientific, that debates on the subject are known to spark divisive debates, and even holy wars at some points in the history books; battles so horrific and bloody that the survivors are diagnosed with not just Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, but Super Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. This question, dear readers of Analog, reaches into the core of every human being, animal, plant, and inorganic compound in the universe, refusing to subscribe to a single explanation.

That is, until today.

According to strenuous and precisely reiterated studies conducted at both Concordia University and the Singapore-MIT GAMBIT Game Lab, they have found the holy grail of answers to the singularity center-point of all questions: Who plays sports games the most?
You may want to sit down before reading this. The answer, the one that people have spilt countless portions of blood over, is mid-20’s white guys who are also fans of sports.

“The overwhelming majority of sports gamers’ – 93.3 percent – self-identify as sports fans,” announced Professor of Communications at Concordia University Mia Consalvo to what I assume was an auditorium stuffed with the likes of Neil Degrasse-Tyson, Bill Nye, Michio Kaku, and Stephen Hawking, who presumably stood up for applause and cheer.

“Now we can rebuild. We have the technology.” I presume Hawking would have said.

Consalvo then went on to say that the next step is to figure out why there is so little diversity among fans of the genre, and why females “seem to be in the minority.” Which is a pursuit that actually seems somewhat worthwhile.

Seeing as this has completely averted the 2012 End of Times crisis, who else is ready for the games of 2013? Goddamned me, that’s who.

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This was lame. What a ploy to get article reads. I’m really not trying to be a troll; I like this site, but no one cares about sports game statistics. I know you guys want to be funny and get article views, but come on!