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Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Insomniac with The Narrator: New Super Mario Bros. Wii

If you haven’t heard, I got a problem with sleeping in that I don’t do it. Seriously, you know how much sweet, sweet night time hours you people are wasting “resting peacefully.” Anyways, I can’t sleep so tonight, forget it, PS3… It’s Wii Town tonight. I’m popping in New Super Mario Bros. Wii.

First off, I like names that explain things. It is the NEW Super Mario game so of course they have to include NEW in the title. Unfortunately, games can’t be new forever, so I’m not sure how that name will age. Secondly, the title ends in Wii because it is for the Wii. Now the game is idiot proof. I’m sure that Dusky Panther was super excited to play this on his Sega Saturn. Well he will just have to deal with it. This game is for the Wii (it’s in the title).

Who is ready for some mad 2D action?

Here We Gooooooooooooooooo!

ESRB: E

This is like the oldest story in the books. Classic story. Italian plumber falls into giant pipe. Italian plumber falls in love with princess. Princess has hots for working class Italian. Giant (dragon looking) turtle named Bowser kidnaps princess (we videogame insiders call him King Koopa #humblebrag). Adventure is had by all.

What were the Mario brothers suppose to do? The Koopas had a solid plan:

1. Steal princess

2. ?????

3. PROFIT!

Taking control of the Italian brothers, I set out to return Princess Peach from Bowser, his Koopalings (Bowser Jr., Larry Koopa, etc…) and hoards of Koopa Troopas. In doing so, not only get Mario laid, but also save the entire Mushroom Kingdom. Shit just got real.

I don’t know a whole lot about killing turtles. However, I do know that even a man-sized turtle is instantly killed if you jump on its head. That’s easy enough to understand. I’m not an Italian plumber, but I’m pretty sure a stocky Italian jumping on your head is instant death. What’s the likelihood that these turtles will wise up and start wearing helmets anyways?

Furthermore, the Mario brothers have a few more flowers and magical mushrooms (I’m pretty sure they are just getting high) attached to their utility belts this time.

Have you ever wanted to be a penguin, but you didn’t want to listen to Morgan Freeman talk about your hardships? Well, how about using the penguin suit? Not only can you harness the awesome sliding skills of a penguin, you can also shoot snowballs.

I’ll see your pool of lava and raise you a propeller hat. Mario has gained the ability of flight without using that ridiculous raccoon suit. Raccoons can’t fly! A hat with a propeller on it makes much more sense for high flying adventures. Bravo Nintendo.

While not new, it is still awesome…Yoshi! Who doesn’t want to ride on the back of a colorful dinosaur that can eat turtles? If I have any complaint, it is that there isn’t enough Yoshi.