The Cumberland Post

My Backyard, Six Miles from the Cumberland River

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Candy Crudley and the Presidential Rasslin' Debate

The crowd is noisy and rambunctious, pushing and shoving as they try to get closer to the announcer and his guest, but the tight security ring of ex rasslers is more than up to the task of holding them back. The two big TV scoop lights suddenly light up and the jostling crowd cheers, knowing they're about to hear their favorite World Rasslin' Federation announcer do his thing.

Nelson: Hey out there in TV land, this is your favorite World Rasslin' Federation announcer, Twisted Half Nelson, reporting live from inside the Hufstra University arena where history was made tonight. Although Hufstra is another academic hive of progressivism and is located in one of the most Democratic states in the union, the arrangement committee did an excellent job in providing a neutral venue and objectively screening the audience.

This was the second match between the two contenders for the title and in the first one, Romney the Bain Bone Breaker came to fight and mopped the floor with the champ who looked tired, flat, and according to some observers a little hung over. But that fight is history now and so is tonight's second match which will go down in the books as one of the greatest.

As everyone who's anyone knows, tonight's battle royale featured the two main dudes of the fast growing Political Rasslin' category. First, the challenger who stood tall in the right corner...the Mr. Clean of the GOP...the Bain Bone Breaker...the take no prisoners Mormon Monster...Mitt "the man with the plan" Romney.

And in the left corner...media hero, the staunch defender of the 47 percent, the man who stopped the oceans in their tracks, the Solyndra Kid, the holder of the only 5th degree apology belt ever awarded, the chosen One, the magnificent O, the current US champeen, Barack "Mr. Food Stamp" Oooobaaaammmmaaa!

I'm here at ringside with Candy "Big Mama Prog" Crudley, former rassler extraordinaire herself in the heavyweight ladies circuit, and the referee in tonight's match. Candy, let me first congratulate you on a job well done. The questions you chose from the fans were very nicely masked setups for the champ.

Crudley: Thanks, Nelson, that means a lot coming from you.

Nelson: But, Candy, I gotta ask. What made you rip of your stripes and join in the fray? I mean one minute you were hiding your bias and playing that objective referee role to a "T" and the next minute you had torn off your striped referee shirt to reveal that very familiar Big Mama Prog golden bra and then you rushed into the ring yourself to flatten Romney with a full body dive. I mean what happened there?

Crudley: Well Nelson, I just couldn't stand by and watch O go down again. I mean the current champ's lost a lotta weight, he's lookin' a little scrawny even, and he just looked so pitiful in that first debate, and what with the pressures of bein' the champ weighin' on him and all, and then seein' him take that Benghazi shot to the jaw, seein' him stumble back, I just knew he was gonna go down. He's weak on defending that, we all know, I mean O and his team spent the two weeks after the attack blaming it on the movie and trying to discredit the idea it was a terror attack. And I dunno, Nelson, I think my long buried maternal instincts just kicked in. It was illegal I know and I was wrong but I had to step in and help the poor little thing.

The crowd cheers and begins to chant "Four more years..." over and over. Finally the security rasslers restore order.

Nelson: Candy, I guess you can tell the crowd is happy with your decision to intervene.

Crudley (smiling broadly): Oh yeah, I knew I'd have them with me.

Nelson: Do you think it helped turn the match in Obama's favor?

Crudley: Well, the media judges were gonna give it to Obama no matter what tonight but I think my action turned it into a sure thing. You know, when I hit Romney, I could tell how hard and muscled up this guy is. I usually can just run an opponent over with no resistance. But when I hit him, I stopped cold. Sure he went back a couple of steps, but he didn't go down. So, I'm very happy I did what I did. Hey, whatta ya say, the champ's back. I think he's gonna win this thing now.

Nelson: There you have it rasslin' fans. A history making match...Obama wins in a squeaker... thanks to a big chunk of Candy Crudley, the ref who made a difference.

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