Search Cracked

Advanced Placement

Advanced Placement classes are college level courses offered to High School students who have either given up hope on life or enjoy dark thoughts.

Just The Facts

Advanced Placement tests are administered by the College Board, a non-profit organization that hates students.

If by some miracle you survive the ass-raping that is an AP Test and pass, you get a college credit.

Wait, what the fuck? In college, you'd go and attend class and take a handful of tests. Instead, you take it in High School and don't get sleep?

The grading scale is also idiotic. It's like a point system and you can get a 1 to 5, and it all depends on how many people pass.

That's because the AP only wants a certain percentage of people to pass.

Those bastards.

The Classes

Biology - AP Bio is designed to teach students about how life works, but instead of a Rafiki talking about the magic Circle of Life, they learn that monkey's get their shit eaten if they go near lions, let alone hold one.

Calculus - Calculus is used for nothing. Seriously, calc is basically figuring out how to make charts and graphs and find their rates. One question studied, is to find out how much water would be left in a leaky bucket when it's at the top of a flag pole. Who gives a shit? Put some tape on that, and it won't leak.

Chemistry - Chem is used to combine science and calc. Nothing makes this shit fun. For the love of Albert Einstein, you have to grasp concepts that make no sense, except to him. Who cares whatsoever about how electrons and nuclei work? Mad scientists do.

[Insert Culture Here] Language and Culture - Whether you are taking Chinese, Japanese, German, Russian, French, Spanish, etc. Language and Culture, you learn the language and about its culture. So when you inevitably never go to any of those places you will be prepared. Otherwise, you'll forget how to say any of this crap in a year.

English Literature & Composition - Lit & Comp involves reading very large books in a short amount of time, thinking about them, and then writing very long essays about them. Jesus Christ, where is the fun in that? It'd be like reading a Cracked article, then trying to analyze why it's hilarious, then write a paper to be graded about that.

European/United States History - This is for the person that enjoys reading about dead white people and how they shaped the world to be better for more dead white people.

Macro/Microeconomics - Feel like busting out a calculator and doing some accounting? All this shit teaches you is how to do some economic work. On the plus side, maybe you'll fix the fucktarded economy. Probably not, because you're learning from the same idiots that kicked the economy in the balls in the first place.

Physics - Excuse me, why the fuck are you thinking about taking this? This is the bastard child of Calculus and Chemistry if they did the horizontal school subject tango and forgot to wear the condom that is "sanity." Seriously, don't take this shit. All you need to know is that this was basically the religion of Isaac Newton, and that he was fucking smart.

Psychology - This covers how our brain works and develops. Wonder why that girl became a lesbian after seeing you naked? Now you can figure that out. Or maybe you'd like to wonder just why the fuck you can't get off your lazy ass. This may be the one useful AP class.

Statistics - The word "equations" sums up this bitch of a class. Unless you want to become an extreme baseball nerd or an accountant again, don't do this. No one cares about statistics unless cool charts are involved.

Studio Art - Let's say you're a good artist and want to draw for College Credit. Well, fuck you. Because you turn in a large portfolio of your entire years work at the end of the year and you are graded on growth. So let's say you're the best damn artist ever and can't get any better, you get no credit. On the other hand, if you draw stick figures to cubes, good job!

World History - This is for the history buff that doesn't enjoy white people. You still talk about them, but far less and you learn about all the civilizations from Age of Empires. In fact, that game will probably teach your lazy ass better than this class.