Upon noticing my depressed state shortly after my first real break up ever, my father said to me over a meal:

“The way I see it is this: It’s like you had a favorite mug. You used it and carried it with you all the time. One day it broke. What are you going to do? Are you going to hold onto the pieces? Are you going to cry about how it shattered? No, you go out there and find another f***ing mug to buy.”

Ooh boy just got objectified!

(Okay my dad didn’t really curse, but that would have been epic.)

ON AGING

One time when my dad came over to visit, my housemates and I were recounting how a female guest was so into our male resident that she knocked on his door at wee hours the night before. My dad laughed and exclaimed:

“Oh I was also handsome when young! I was so popular in school because I was charming and smart. Actually a girl literally kicked down my dorm room’s door once- that’s how much she liked me. But you see, now you’re young and good-looking, but when you’re old…*motions to balding head*…It’s all gone. I am still really funny though. And sharp.”

This is a picture of my dad when he was young. So fly with the aviators and curly hair.

Tru dat.

ON EXES

My second ex-boyfriend kept trying to be friends with me after we broke things off. I made polite attempts but he complained about my minimum correspondence.

Once I happened to receive a text message from said ex when I was hanging out with my dad. I let out a grunt so exasperated that Papa Lu demanded an explanation. I briefed him and this is what he responded with:

“Okay, it’s like this: You went to the supermarket and grabbed a big piece of chicken. You paid for it at the register. Now you’ve come home with it. Should you cut it in pieces? And how many pieces? Then, how should you cook it, hmm? Stir-fry it? Bake it?…. Guess what? It’s your f***ing chicken! You can do whatever you want with it. It’s up to you.”

My affinity for creating weird metaphors is definitely hereditary.

(I think I should clarify that I actually have never heard my dad swear in my entire life, although seriously sometimes it’s needed for emphasis.)

ON FIGHTS

“Never get into a physical fight with anyone in their own home. They would know where the knives are.”

And now you know.

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If you plan on taking any of these tips from my dad, PLEASE let me know in the comments section so I can tell him and make him super happy.