You Guys, The Whole Apocalypse Thing Might Be A Lie Even If ‘The Rapture Index’ Puts Us At An All Time High

One of the greatest things I’ve discovered is The Rapture Index. It’s amazing and helps to keep me abreast of how fucked our world is. I’d like to know exactly when things are going to end and under what circumstance so I can be prepared. I’m not prepared in any other aspect of my life, so I might as well make up for that in the end.

Although the actual Rapture Index is only updated every couple days, it does monitor — everyday — daily events that have taken place all over the world as proof that shit’s about to get scary. When I checked in this morning I saw that the index is at a record high at 187, but we’re still here despite the apocalypse that was supposed to come kill us all and take the Christians up to heaven. The lowest index can be found way back in 1993; you know, back when people were young and innocent and didn’t wreck havoc on the world because grunge was too important to separate ourselves from yet.

Ah, the good old days.

Each “tragedy” is given a number (anywhere from abortion to racism) and the total number equals just how close we are to the end. As I said, we’re sitting on the brink of losing it all. ALL OF IT,Â PEOPLE. So if we could all quit exercising our freedom for our right to choose, drinking, infidelity and others among the items on the list, you’ll save us all. For that, we’ll love you forever.

So what are your thoughts? Not just on the Rapture Index, but on why the end of the world didn’t happen yesterday. I’d really like to know, because I’ve been acting like an asshole for last two weeks just assuming that I was going to die, and now I’m just stuck with the guilt.