Why Is Going the Distance Rated R? (And 24 Other Urgent Questions)

On-again, off-again sweethearts, Justin Long and Drew Barrymore, co-star in this weekend’s new romantic comedy, Going the Distance. This surprisingly raunchy film deserves its R rating, but is it actually funny? Should we waste 109 of our 4,320 Labor Day weekend minutes watching Going the Distance? As a service, we answer every question that you could possibly have about Going the Distance.

Q: Is Going the Distance the long-awaited biography of the 1990s alternative rock band Cake?

A: No. It’s a movie about a long-distance relationship between Erin (Drew Barrymore) and Garrett (Justin Long).Q: How did they meet?

A: As the movie opens, Garrett has just been dumped by his girlfriend. Later that night, at his local watering hole, Garrett places a quarter on a Centipede arcade game, thereby claiming the next game. Erin, who’s playing Centipede and is distracted by Garrett’s move, winds up losing her last life as she was going for the high score—a high score that she already owns.

Q: What is Erin’s high score?

A: 105,732.

Q: What is the world record for Centipede?

A: 16,389,547, according to Wikipedia.

Q: So they both live in New York City. How is this a movie about long-distance relationships? Does Erin live on the Upper West Side and Garrett in Cobble Hill, Brooklyn?

A: They both live in New York, at the start. But Erin is an intern for the New York Sentinel and is moving back to live with her sister (Christina Applegate) in San Francisco in six weeks to finish grad school.

Q: Erin’s an intern? How old is she?

A: She constantly complains about being a 31-year-old intern.

Q: Wait, didn’t the character Drew Barrymore played in Fever Pitch have the same problem?

A: Sort of. She complained about turning 30 all the time.

Q: What year did Fever Pitch come out?

A: 2005.

Q: Do Erin and Garrett hate each other at first?

A: Briefly. Garrett realizes his mistake and sways her opinion with the prospect of free booze in exchange for his error. Later, she comes back to his apartment and they make out to Berlin’s “Take My Breath Away.”

Q: Why do they start a relationship together if she’s leaving in six weeks?

A: At first, they agree to keep things casual and to not start a relationship. But, then, over the next few weeks, they fall in love.

Q: Do they fall in love during a montage sound-tracked by The Cure?

A: Yes.

Q: Once Erin moves back to San Francisco, does their relationship still work out?

A: For awhile. Unfortunately, flights from New York to San Francisco are really expensive, so they don’t get to see each other very often. Garrett works for a record label—a job he hates—and can’t find work in San Francisco.

Q: What are the odds that in a movie review of Going the Distance, the line “Going the Distance goes the distance!” will be used?

A: Even money.

Q: Did you enjoy Going the Distance?

A: Quite a bit, actually. Which surprised me because I expected it to be your typical, formulaic romantic comedy. A lot of people might not realize that Going the Distance is rated R.

Q: Why is Going the Distance rated R?

A: That’s easy: every scene involving Charlie Day or a mustachioed Jason Sudeikis.

Q: Why does Jason Sudeikis have a mustache?

A: To help him achieve his goal of having sex with a woman between the age of 45 and 60. The mustache, in his opinion, is irresistible to women of that age because it hearkens back to an era when the mustache was king.

Q: What’s the best part about Going the Distance?

A: Garrett and Erin act like real people. It also avoids the easy narrative line of an affair followed by the eventual (and predictable) fallout and reconciliation. The movie succeeds because the characters are realistic.

Q: What’s the most unrealistic thing in Going the Distance?

A: There’s a scene where Erin and Garret are at the San Francisco airport and Garrett is flying Southwest Airlines back to New York. Garrett looks at his ticket and complains about having a layover and having a middle seat. Southwest Airlines does not give seat assignments.

Q: What’s the second best part about Going the Distance?

A: References to Top Gun, The Accused, Jesus Jones and the Garden State Soundtrack.

Q: Does Garrett own the Top Gun Soundtrack? Do they make out to “Danger Zone” and “Playing with the Boys”?

A: To be fair, Garrett’s apartment has very thin walls. His roommate, Dan (Charlie Day), takes it upon himself to D.J. their make-out session. Dan also appears to own the soundtrack to Dirty Dancing.

Q: Who is the most underrated comedic actor working today who steals the one scene that he appears in Going the Distance?

A: Rob Riggle.

Q: What question from Going the Distance still haunts you in bed at night?

A: Why do you never see baby pigeons in New York City?

Q: Is this Justin Long’s best role to date?

A: Justin Long will never top his role as Warren Cheswick on Ed.

Q: The movie starring Matt LeBlanc and the monkey?

A: Not that Ed. The TV series. And I promise you that Going the Distance is a lot better than the movie starring Matt LeBlanc and that fucking monkey.

Q: If you’re going to be blurbed in this weekend’s television commercials for Going the Distance, what do you hope the blurb will say?

A: “Going the Distance is a lot better than the movie starring Matt LeBlanc and that fucking monkey” — Mike Ryan, *Vanity Fair.

Mike Ryan is a frequent contributor to vanityfair.com. For your complaints on his opinions about* Going the Distance, you can contact him directly on Twitter. http://twitter.com/michaelwryan