DARK GLIMPSE...

My glimpses are from the shadows. I mull and remember. In heavy shade, secrets are hideous but safe. Hidden, I thunder and bellow. Shrouded, I whisper and whimper. Don't draw near, don't seek me and look upon my face. You don't need to know and hold me. Stand back from my shade. Just listen to me tell tale of her dark glimpses.

Monday, July 1, 2013

Streaks of sunlight on my eyes, I
waken. My world is different in the day. There is grim rest. Daylight gives me
hours to live and wander. Not sure what is. Though I eat, I taste no food.
Though I talk, I don’t hear me. I move, but I don’t know where I go. My
somewhere is nowhere. I think, but it doesn’t matter. I’m nothing, no-one. No
smile, no laugh. Worn and weary, I must be old. Most of the time, I don’t feel,
don’t care….til dark falls.

In the space of day, I do this, I do
that, I don’t remember what. Unnoticed, ignored, I go hide in my sister’s room.
Browsing through records, I take off and fly. Putting the headphones on, I turn
the music up. Loud and louder, the blare of songs belt and pound out beats that
throb my lips and drum on my soles. Tremors so loud that the room, the house,
and you disappear. The music heavy beats
hammer against bone and cheek as music swells and crashes, soaring me high
through the rush of air. The room around me swirls and falls away.

Unbarred, I
hurtle into bliss of lost and heaven, I swim towards the bright and float in
the sway and dance of breeze. Bobbing and drifting on seas and gushing rivers,
waves froth and break over me. Gliding down vales and valleys, I run and run through
sweet cool mist. Flying under the glow and gleam of crescent moons, I skim and
tumble through starry skies of balm. Warm waterfalls thunder, spraying solace
and singing hum.Rolling on the greenest
of grass, I trace the whitest of clouds scudding across the boldest of dazzle
blue. In this haven of pearly white peace, there’s no limit of space, no
hardening, no time, no you. This high up, the air smells clean and spins out never
ending dreams.

Brood and hate of muddy darkness nears,
it smirks at my beseeching and gloats at the smell of my fear. It yawns and
stretches lazily as it sucks dry the clay-grey of fast dimming light. Twilight rich
and dense, taunts and hovers. I ask twilight to stay. It twitches, circles and
teases. But haughty, she slinks away. Loom of lonely whispers in weaving a slicing
cold in me.The clock ticks on.

NIGHT

Dinner is done. Table is clear. Dishes
are washed. Talk is over. TV is blank. Beyond the ghostly room, evening bares
and sinks her fangs in deep ink black of mischief night. Faltering, I walk to
bed. Sleek darkness coils like a snake and winds around me, preening and
brimming with evil bode. I know her promise, she hurts. Goading, she nibbles at
me nightly, sliver by sliver till drunk and full. The clock stops.

Last night you promised you were going
to stop. You promised the night before and all those other nights.

Quiet hollers at me, daring me to
shout for help. But I am bound and veiled
in secret. Trapped, lonely for someone to save me. Like all nights, I wait. No
one stops it. There’s no hide, no safe, no home. Dreading you hurts. That dread
and baiting quiet picks away at my flesh.Close to the doorway of my eerie cage, I lay rigid, watching for
shifting shadows and the rustle of you entering, hunting and hawking. Like all
taut and mean nights, I wish I could stop breathing. Shadows lift. You come. It
begins. The dying of me.

The secret. I am bad and black. Soiled
and decaying. This secret has a fervid knowing. That knowing is part of the air
that I breathe and the sun that I look at. The knowing stirs me in the morning,
it walks in the rhythm of my steps, it stares back at me in the mirror and it
soaks my sleep. It melts in the water that laves me; it skulks behind my eyes
and roams my placid days and galling nights. I taste it all the time. My
knowing is if I break the silence, it will kill us all: Mommy, Daddy, sisters
and brothers. Somewhere deep in me, forever sifting and being, I simply know
that if I am silent, my family lives. If I cry out, they all die. They are mine
to guard, my family. They are all that I have.

Holding my breath, I curl and steel me
from you. From the edge of the bed, you slither up to me, unquenched and
craving. Rummaging for me, your hungry, stealthy creep is urgent. Heaving, you
claw at me. Trying not to make noise, you choke back grunting gasps. Oily,
moist breaths fan and sicken me.Brother, your want swallows and pummels me but I hold on. I guard our
family with stout heart as you part mourning me. I am too small to take you in.
Too small to break your grasp. Too small for your rank fever, your wreck, but
as always, I lay for you and hold fast the secret. Straining, you grind me
deeper into the abyss, nailing and stabbing me with the thick wet of unholy you.
Splaying my legs, vicious, keen shards of you wound me. With dank skin, hot and
coarse, your brutal rubbing sears and gags me. It goes on and on. I cling to
visions of petal-soft white, of summer day, the shimmer of cold dew and flying
higher up a bountiful, glinting sky. But, shooting, ripping icy pain blots out
my sky. You pour into me and I am greased with your hateful, dirty spew. In
silence, I thrash inside, lost, helpless and begging for hazy drift and dusty blur.
Shame bursts in me, haunting and battering. Loathing every bit and piece of me,
I want to spit and stomp on rotten me, shred and blacken me, crush the light out
of me. I hate me and want to sob and scoop out your muck from the depths of twisted
me. With bruised, raked thighs and scorched insides, I yearn to scream, to hurl
out massive, lurking and roaring rage. But I stifle me, my family must live.
Hush. They must not waken. Steadfast, I guard the secret. With fouled and
mangled body and fading sinew, I guard them. If I could only leave.Or if I could only die. Squeezing my eyes close,
I dream of slicing me…rich, beautiful rivulets of garnet blood, falling from
me, drowning and cresting over our awful, grave deed. Death calls, I want to go.
My dying would kill your seething and simmering. End the long moaning and crazed,
evil thrusting and licking.

Your familiar shudder finally subsides
and your pants slow. You unclench. Let go. You finish. Lying limp, pried and cleaved
open, I fight to live. In the moonlight gloom, our eyes lock. I see the dawn of
your horror. You tentatively reach for weak, wretched me, heat and hankering
gone. Tenderly, you wipe some of you off of me. Drawing me close, you stroke me
shakily. In the awkward cradle of your legs and arms, you rock what is left of
me. You comfort me? Your hands tremble sorrowfully for you see the small of me,
gashed and scarred. Grief swims and blisters in your eyes. Forlorn spreads in
you like disease with curse clanging and brawling in you. Regret drips and
bleeds from your face and core. Cowering and drooped, you are sad and sorry.
Sickened, you hate you too. Too late. I am smashed and vile. Gored, I fester in
your arms, crumpled, little, stained and sordid. I see you churn, ache and weep
at what you did… but tomorrow, you will steal and scrape into me again.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

I circle my brother. He watches me. His eyes
promise, I won’t hurt you. Believing him, I stop the wary pacing. Trust him. I
am a little girl and I want a nice brother. A white blanket lies on the floor.
It is bedtime. I ease under the blanket. His mouth slackens; he comes for me. Terror
grips me, I cower.

A looming path appears by me. Gaping, it
beckons. I flee down the path, soaring mightily. Running, my body hums and changes.
Growing into a woman, lean and strong.

Path ends... a startling, strange dark sea. A
vast melting chocolate sea. It gleams, tantalizes, drawing me. I ponder this
burnished sea, I listen. It sings of succor. It wants me. Gliding in, I bathe
and eat, feeding on waves. But, I am not pleased. I am not full, I want more, I
am angry, I am hungry…

***

Sea fades. Dream ends. I wake in a stifling room. Touching my neck, I sweat. Groping, I hope to find her, lean and strong. Bulging stomach in my palms. Thick arms sag. Swollen legs. My face crumples, tears burn hot. The old familiar voice snickers. You are ugly! It mocks. You are fat! Pathetic. It sneers in disgust. Despair pries at me and I hang my head. My husband lies next to me, I wish he would waken and hold me. Maybe he could scrape away my hate and my fat to find a small pretty woman.NO, don’t feel, don’t care. Pushing the voice out, I pull away. Uncurling out of bed, I head for the kitchen. Squatting at the refrigerator, I hunker close to food. Urgently I rummage. Panic swipes at me. Slamming bowls and bottles aside, I tangle and hunt. Cake. Grabbing the plate, I tear at it. Kneeling, breaking off chunks, I cram cake past lips. I swallow hard. Fast. Mouthful after mouthful I drive in. Insides clench. Churn. They clamor, greedy and grasping. Cake gone, I lick the plate. Undone, I seize whipped cream. Head tipped back, I fill my hands with the cool billow of cream and guzzle down white froth. I am not full, I want more, I am angry, I am hungry. Grabbing a bowl, I punch a hole through the wrap and dig out cold stiff mush. Frenzied clawing and gulping, I gasp for breath. Time passes. I finish. Numbness drapes over me, blowing cool the fever. Raspy breaths slow. Long fall ends. Stillness comes. Blessed, I am full. Drinking water, I watch the clock. Minutes go by. Clipping back tousled hair I walk to the sink. It must come out. All of it. Bending over, I push out raw, acid rage, it scalds my throat. I heave out the forlorn, the dim, the sorrow. I retch out the brother, muffled nights, my family. Spent and worn, I stop. Battered, I shake.Cold water on my face, I wash away sins. Rough towel rubs away my shame. Throbbing knuckles crimson raw with the scratch of my teeth and the searing hate of my belly. I soothe my hands with lotion; it smells of lemon. The clean, crisp perfume anoints me clean. My steadfast oath, this will never happen again. Be clean. Be good. The oath comforts. 3:18 am. I must sleep. Picking up a bowl of food, I clear my secret. In disbelief I watch a hand dig in. The wrath again, it bellows. Fierce, unforgiving, I ram food into me. Biting my hands, the pain scoffs at me. My hands are mauled, eyes swollen. My inside snarl, I snap. Picking up a fistful of cold pulp, I hurl it against the wall. Again and again. I grunt, short and vicious noises. Wrung out, I steady myself, choking down fury. I reign in. Weary, I stand in frays. Scraping walls, I clean up hideous secret. No one can know I am crazy, pitiful. Lying in bed, I am tattered and bruised. I rot. Begging to sleep, I drift into dreamy blur. Misty blissful slumber blankets me.

***

In scorching haze I look up and out. Sun
smoulders. It rides a strange dark sea. A sea of melting chocolate. Shimmering,
the enchanted sea waits. I ponder this burnished sea, I listen. It sings of
succor. It wants me. Creeping forward, I
look down at bare feet. Toes curl in creamy chocolate. Velvet liquid rises
slowly, hoarding me. Ooze reaches my thighs; thick and seductive it coats me
warm. Mesmerized, I yield. I stretch arms towards the sun. Languid, I sway and
dance. Entranced, I am thin and beautiful
flowing in the sea.

Plunging my arms into the kind and gracious
sea, I scoop the dense wet. Holding it high, chocolate silks down my arm. Arching back, chocolate snakes lazily across
my breasts, pooling into the hollow of my neck. Dizzy, I straighten. Craning
forward, licking the underside of my arm, I savor the sticky sap. My tongue
trails greedily up the wrist, across my palm and up to the tip of my finger. I
suck my finger clean. Sensous sweetness coax but I am not full, I want more, I
am angry, I am hungry.

All is forgiven. All is known. I slip into
where no sound rushes. No giving is taken from me. I hear a cry, it is me. I am
free. I lower into a sweet, wet grave with no hunger. No hiding. No sick
secrets. It is brother-less. No lamenting here. I am full. Engulfed. Tender,
reverent, I am sanctified…