Back when I was at Uni, I had to write a dissertation. I say at Uni, I used to tell birds I was at Uni, so I had to write one to trick them into believing me.

Well obviously I can't just copy and paste my whole dissertation into here, I can't have all of my secrets being out in the open. So instead, I will give you a few excerpts and some comments about what modern Jary thinks about his past self.

May I present extracts of my magnum opus, the Dissertation of Shagging, or...

The Theory of Serial Polygamy and it's Place in the Modern Man

"I first discovered that men were not meant to be with just one woman while I was pretending to be studying quantum physics. I stumbled across a theory known as Schrodinger's pussy. Now I didn't completely understand it, or even completely read it but the basic gist of it is if I am in my bedroom cheating on you with another girl, technically I am neither cheating or being faithful until you open the door. So basically, by coming home early or on time or late and opening my bedroom door, or your bedroom door, you are causing me to cheat."

Image Credit: lisaleonardonline.com

Basically, this is a slice of genius. I started showing this to birds to trick them into thinking I had a degree, not only did they fall at my feet, I also used it as consent to cheat on them. Shagging two birds with one stone!

"The love to use Pavlov's dog as a way to woo the ladies. Everyone knows women love an animal lover. So I went round my mate's, Pavlov Mitroglu, and borrowed his dog. Went down the benefit office and before I knew it I had hundreds of women all wanting to suck my cock while after they bought me a Gregg's pastie with their nash money."

Image Credit: uniteddogs.s3.amazonaws.com

Now I tell you what, I can't believe I forgot about this, having a dog with you is a guaranteed pussy magnet. Back during freshers week, last year, I remember I had a guinea pig in my pocket, I just kept getting it out and stroking it. They threw me out in the end, if only I had stroked the guinea pig instead.

"The thing about blow jobs is, I can't cum off them. You can suck all day, and it just isn't happening. You may as well just get your pants off and ride me hard. No condoms though, I can't cum off them either."

Image Credit: moviefanatic.com

By this point I had just descended into being totally sledgehammer about what I do and don't like. I dropped the pseudo science bollocks and just told them women what to do to keep hold of big Jary. They still didn't though, I love cheating.

"In conclusion, if your computer is broken, I will come round to fix it. It is best to fix computers in your underwear, the cotton-polyester blend in my shirts creates a lot of static which can definitely make your monitor explode. Also, bras and female blouses create a lot of static too, it is best if you don't wear them"

Image Credit: themodernman.com

I have fixed a lot of computers in my time, this is all true. It is hard to fix computers in clothes, because when the shagging starts, you have to get undressed, and that is really shitty.

That's it for me this time, losers. Catch me next time when I will be back to answering your cock and pussy problems.