Bear-baiting was an odious entertainment, but remained legal in Britain until 1835, when it was banned by parliament. Now parliament has revived it, replacing the bear with the Tory chief whip. The point about the show at the bearpit was that the bear had to be kept alive. After all, what would the promoter do if it died? He couldn't pop along to the bear shop with a credit card. At the same time, the spectators wanted to see large chunks of the bear taken out, strips of flesh hanging down, scarlet teethmarks down its stomach. And if the bear managed to kill a few dogs, that added to the fun.

Andrew Mitchell, the whip, was – like the bear – stuck in one place, though not chained. He was at the end of the frontbench. The lead dog was Ed Miliband, who had been banging on about police numbers. These are down, but according to David Cameron, crime has decreased. Prime minister's questions demonstrates every week that you can prove anything, absolutely anything, with statistics.

The Labour leader started cruelly enough (in the bear-baiting days, cruelty was an important part of many public spectacles). He quoted Boris Johnson, the prime minister's "new best mate".

Heavy sarcasm. Boris had said that we needed to make it clear that if people swore at the police they would be arrested.

At this point the bear tried to swipe back with its paw. Mr Mitchell said something that sounded like "I didn't swear." It was the first time he has publicly uttered a hint about what he did or didn't say at the Downing Street gates. Mr Miliband went into a state of fake shock. "The chief whip says he didn't swear. Maybe he will tell us what he actually did say, which he has failed to do."

According to the police report, "a man claiming to be the chief whip" – pause for mocking laughter from the rabble (sorry, from Labour MPs) – "called the police 'plebs', told them they should know their place, and used other abusive language. Did the chief whip use those words?"

(I have no idea of what Mr Mitchell actually did say, but "know your place, you plebs!" does sound very antiquated terminology. It's the kind of thing you'd expect to hear from a socialist orator with a red scarf on a soap box at Speakers' Corner some time between the wars.)

The prime minister said that Mr Mitchell had apologised, and the police officer had accepted his apology. But the baiting wasn't over. "Just because a policeman has better manners than the chief whip, it does not mean he should keep his job. If a drunken yob in a city centre swears at the police, he spends the night in a cell, but it's a night in the Carlton Club for the chief whip. It's the clearest case of total double standards."

And, Mr Miliband added, Tories accused him of practising class warfare, "while they go about calling people plebs!" As for Mr Mitchell, in private his cabinet colleagues were saying that he was "toast".

Not quite yet. At lunchtime, the bear was still alive, even if chunks of matted fur were on the floor. Mr Miliband must have been relieved, because wounded bears don't come along very often.