Your Ultimate Guide To Having Sex In Public (Without Getting Caught!)

I hate admitting that I even have a bucket list in the first place, but I do and there are many things on it, and I hope to eventually cross all most of them off. While I know “Yoko-ing” a band and becoming the muse for the fashion designer Nicolas Ghesquière, à la Charlotte Gainsbourg, are likely impossible to achieve, there are still some things that I must do before I die – if only to kill the curiosity within and gain some bragging rights. One such item on the aforementioned list is having sex in public. Why? I don’t know. The thrill, maybe; the been there, done that, need to check it off my list, even more so.

Having just recently updated my bucket list to include a public romp (and running the Boston Marathon — haha, I can’t even run a half-mile!), my new husband and I ventured off on our honeymoon. Italy is a country of love, art, and pizza, so what better a place to have sex in public? It’s not like we’d be the first to take a roll in the grass of Boboli Gardens (where we made our first attempt), nor will we be the last to have sex in a dully-lit alleyway against some ancient ruin in Rome.

My husband, already having done the whole public sex thing, wasn’t as enthused as I was. “It’s different when you’re younger,” he said. But that didn’t deter me. After a couple of minor debacles, we pulled it off like champs, well, as close to champions we’re personally able to be, and I can proudly say that my bucket list is one item lighter. Does this make me a pro? Hell no! But from my experience and the experience of some others, I now present the ultimate how-to guide for having sex in public. It’s the summer, you guys; let’s get the most out of this warm weather, shall we?

1. Timing is everything. Central Park on a Saturday at noon? Are you kidding? While you may have a couple of places to where you can creep off to be, well, creepy, just think about that holy awkward moment when little Sally chases after her ball into the bushes and she gets an eyeful of another type of balls entirely. There’s nothing wrong with maybe giving someone a quick show of something that they didn’t expect to see on a Saturday afternoon, especially if you’re into a bit of exhibitionism, but consider the children. They are our future, after all.

2. Keep your colors low key. As my husband reached under my skirt in one of those lovely little out-of-the-way caves in the Boboli Gardens, I realized that even through the fully leaved trees, his red T-shirt was practically a neon sign, all but screaming for attention. Look at me! Look at me fucking my wife over here! Hey! I said look at me! He had two options: remove it swiftly and deal with whatever might follow should we be stumbled upon or, stop wearing red in public. Since the latter was already a no go, he removed his shirt so his pasty, winter skin could blend in better with nature. Which it did, until some tourists thought the cave was a pleasant place for a picnic.

3. Lose the underwear. Once spring rolls around I ditch my undies most days. In my mind, with Swamp Ass season just weeks away, it’s time to keep things airy and dry in there. No one wants a yeast infection during their July holiday. That being said, if you’re not already going sans underwear and there’s a moment before your public sex gets going that you can slip away and remove your panties first, then do so. The unfortunate thing about women’s underwear is it seriously interferes with what you’re trying to accomplish, and fumbling to take them off is a real time suck. It’s not that you’re on a tight schedule, per se, but anything you can do to prevent wasting time on technicalities beforehand is for the best.

4. Get a leg up. If you’re the type of person who only wants to lie down while fucking, then public sex might not be for you. Sure, if you’re going off into a Tuscan field as if you’re starring in “Room with a View” and there isn’t a soul around for miles, then fine, sprawl out. But if not, you need to stand, find a great support system for your back (building, bathroom stall, doorway, car hood, etc.), so you have leverage. You want to be able to tightly pull yourself into your partner with the same vigor you can when you have the floor as part of the equation, while keeping your balance. Depending on the height difference between you and your partner, balance can be tricky, but if you both work together to push your weight against whatever is supporting you, then you can happily avoid a tumble.

5. Skip the foreplay. Foreplay is great for when you’re at home — and nothing makes sex better than prolonged third base action — but if you want to seal the deal in public, you need to go immediately to home plate. This isn’t to suggest that some fondling beneath the clothes to get you and your partner’s body raring to go is completely off-limits, it’s just that you want to keep it brief. It would be nice if at least one of you, if not both of you, climax during this little public feat.

6. Shut the fuck up. I get it! You’re a moaner! One of those loud, screaming at the top of your lungs at the very instant of ecstasy type of moaners! Awesome! I’m so happy for you! But shut the fuck up! The last thing you need is to be moaning, even softly, and have some do-gooder come to your rescue because they think you’re an injured animal who needs some TLC stat. See? That’s the problem with do-gooders: they ruin the mood with their nosiness.

7. Don’t try to recreate a movie scene. I’m sure there’s not a single person who’s seen the train scene in “Risky Business” and hasn’t thought, “Wow. I want some of that.” Tom Cruise and Rebecca De Mornay make it look so easy, once they remove the gawking homeless man from their train car, of course, but that’s the funny thing about Hollywood: they make everything look so easy. Whether it’s some hot scene on a bar top with James Deen you’ve been fantasizing about or the pool scene in “Showgirls” you’ve been dying to recreate, hold off on such ambitions. Goals are great and everything, but you have enough on your plate with public sex alone, so don’t overload on your responsibilities.

8. Have an excuse. So, let’s just say you do happen to get caught – there’s always a chance the worst-case scenario is possible, right? This is your moment to let your inner actor shine, or at the very least, let your natural ability to lie and get away with it kick into gear. So, what’s your excuse? You were trying to get a bug out of her pubic hair with your cock? He was helping you find that ring that you swallowed that miraculously ended up in your vagina instead of your intestines? I mean, your excuses could be endless honestly, because at that point you’ve already been found out, so the ridiculousness that you come up with for your reason WHY is just some extra fun at that point.

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