Oksana Grigorieva

If The Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger woke up last night out of a dead sleep drenched in cold sweat, now we know why: Mel Gibson is about to be single and…well, he was always ready to mingle, wasn’t he? According to TMZ, Mel Gibson’s divorce from wife Robyn Gibson will allegedly be finalized today; Robyn filed for divorce in April 2009. That’s right! In case you had forgotten that one pesky detail, Mel was in fact still married during every part of his public meltdown: the anti-Semitic rant, the relationship and child with mistress Oksana Grigorieva, and, perhaps worst of all, The Beaver.

Gibson’s ongoing legal battle with Grigorieva aside, we’re assuming his divorce took so long because the couple married in 1980 without a pre-nup; as such, the mother of seven of Mel’s eight children stands to earn a sizable chunk of well-earned change. So…anyone willing to deal with Mel Gibson as your girlfriend’s crazy-eyed ex? Gentlemen? Hmmm?

We hope you didn’t think that just because you hadn’t heard about Mel Gibson’s lawsuits in a while that they had all disappeared into the annals of time. Mel’s legal trouble is like gravity: you can’t see it with your eyes, but the world would be a virtually unrecognizable place without it.

According to TMZ, Mel Gibson paid Oksana Grigorieva’s son Alexander Dalton $100,000 as part of a new settlement, which would allegedly guarantee the 14-year-old will not sue Gibson over “trauma” he sustain as a witness to Mel’s domestic disputes with Oksana. Grigorieva initially asked for $500,000, in addition to alleging Gibson pushed Alexander into a table, before taking the reduced sum. So, in retrospect, we guess Mel is like gravity, if gravity was something that made you deeply, deeply depressed about the state of the world as it is today.

Does this mean we can go see The Beaverand not feel like horrible people? Don’t get us wrong, we’ll still be people with horrible, horrible taste, but seeing as how Oksana Grigorieva dropped her Mel Gibson domestic abuse charge in court today, maybe the slow, grim nightmare of Gibson’s court room drama is finally drawing to a close? And we love movies with puppets in them!

TMZ reported earlier today that Griorieva also asked to have the protective order against Gibson dropped as well, possibly as a sign that she is willing to settle their custody case over daughter Lucia. Regardless of the outcome of their current legal battle, Gibson plead “no contest” to a misdemeanor battery charge back in March. So we’ll hold off on getting tickets to The Beaver for now…at least until they invent a time machine capable of taking us back before this tawdry saga ever took place.

Mel Gibson hasn’t spoken publicly about his vicious verbal attacks and angry phone calls with his ex Oksana Grigorieva until now. In an interview with Deadline.com, Gibson broke his silence and talked about everything he’s been through in the past year, from his career, to his celebrity friends, to those “edited” tapes that leaked. Here are a few of the choicest quotes from the interview:

On the leaked tapes released by Grigorieva: “Who anticipates being recorded? Who anticipates that? Who could anticipate such a personal betrayal? … I’ve never treated anyone badly or in a discriminatory way based on their gender, race, religion or sexuality—period. I don’t blame some people for thinking that though, from the garbage they heard on those leaked tapes, which have been edited.”

On how the bad publicity has affected his career: “I don’t care if I don’t act anymore.”

On his most vocal celebrity supporter: “I knew Whoopi before she was Whoopi. And, as she’s great and I always liked her and loved her. I like her even more now because she got it.”

And those supporters who chose not to speak up: “Why would anyone want to speak publicly and drag themselves through this crap? It seems to add fuel to the fire. Very many people are supportive, of course, but you find out who your friends are. I have many friends and they’ve been great.”

On his friend-love for Jodie Foster: “I’d give her a pedicure every day of the week if I could.”

Check out the entire (long!) interview with Gibson, who tried to redeem himself and honestly discuss his difficult personal issues as best he can. Sure, it won’t make you forget that he knocked Grigorieva’s teeth out, but he does seem to show remorse for some of the stuff he’s done.

Remember that ex-bodyguard of Oksana Grigorieva who accused her of faking Mel Gibson‘s taped rants and practicing “sexual sorcery” on him? Well, hey may not just been lying about the erotic witchcraft. While Kristian Herzog is promoting Storm Surge, a tell-all about his alleged affair with the singer, her lawyers claim he was never actually hired as her bodyguard. “This man is a convicted felon and an impostor…he insinuated himself into her life in order to attempt to destroy her reputation which he continues to do with this ‘book’ filled with outrageous lies,” said her rep, pointing out that Herzog wouldn’t give a deposition to Mel’s lawyers when asked, and that the other stars he claims to have worked for (Jack Nicholson, Jon Voight) merely posed for pictures with him.

Not that we needed this evidence to suggest Herzog’s tale is more than questionable. His description of his “affair” with Grigorieva reads like bad slash fiction. “[She] played my instrument like a cheap instrument, her soft warm inviting mouth and sorceress tongue controlled me…The Bodyguard becomes the Lover, making love to Oksana. If lips were ships, her lips were the S.S. Titanic, dragging men down deep.” “[These] sleazy sexual references, they are too absurd for words,” said Grigorieva’s rep. Maybe Herzog should stick to posting his stories on web forums.

Mel’s report stated him to be 55 years old and weighing 190 pounds at 5-feet-ten inches. Hopefully, he won’t get mad and take a swing at someone for revealing his weight. This is Hollywood, guys. The angry actor’s been sentenced to complete 16 hours of community service and he’s also on three years probation. Mel also has to attend one year of domestic violence counseling. We still think he got off easy considering he was charged with battery (so he won’t see any jail time). Now all we have to do is wait for the mugshot to emerge. Charlie Sheen has the rest of the cray-cray covered.

We’re sorry, Mel Gibson. Charlie Sheen has been taking up so much of our time, we almost forgot about the original celebrity nut bar. Finally, one million years after the fact, Mel Gibson was charged with simple misdemeanor battery, TMZ reports. Earlier this week they found out that Gibson took a plea deal, which knocked the charge down from felony domestic violence in exchange for his plea of no contest. The charge is based on allegations that Gibson slapped Oksana Grigorieva during a heated argument. Hmm, an A-lister acts erratically, hits his domestic partner, and accused of anti-Semitism. It’s like we’re in the middle of watching the sequel to the worst movie in the world!

No matter how he justifies it, taking a plea might not be a bad idea—the sooner he gets past his legal battles with Grigorieva, the sooner he can stop embarrassing the producers of his unreleased films like The Beaver and How I Spent My Summer Vacation. Considering the damage he’s already inflicted on his family, we wonder if its Hollywood he’s worried about scandalizing any further.

UPDATE: TMZ says Mel Gibson has indeed struck a plea deal, which will keep him from seeing any jail time. “Mel’s priority throughout all of this has been that the best interests of his young daughter Lucia and the rest of his children be put first in any decisions made,” said his lawyer. “It is with only that in mind that he asked me to approach the District Attorney with a proposal that would bring all of this to an immediate end.” Way to plead innocent and guilty at the same time, guys.

You won’t have Kristian Herzog to bewitch anymore, Oksana Grigorieva! Calling Mel Gibson‘s babymama a “sexual sorceress,” her former bodyguard told TMZ that she admitted the actor never punched her—let alone beat Oksana during sex. Contradicting what she told police, Herzog says Oksana told him Mel’s only physical violence towards her was the slapping incident he already confessed to (Mel says she was shaking the baby at the time).

Claiming he had an affair with Oksana, Herzog also says she taped Mel’s violent rants in order to extort money from him, though he doesn’t deny that Mel said all the disgusting, racist stuff she recorded. Oksana’s lawyers refused to comment, though she denies having slept with this champ. As disgusting as we find this whole thing, we must confess we’re just a little curious what qualifies as sexual sorcery. Maybe the hot tub Mel got so worked up about was her cauldron.