Anger Management

Last night, while watching a documentary about the Army Rangers, my husband became horribly upset at the fact there was a woman psychologist present at the 2-week initial Ranger training program. I don’t know if it was because she was a woman or because she was a psychologist. Maybe both because he didn’t pick at the male psychologist also present, only the woman.

Anyhow, he commented on how she shouldn’t be there. She couldn’t go through the training so she couldn’t understand the mental state of the men who were.

I disagreed, saying that there are some things you don’t have to experience first hand in order to understand. Some things about the human mind are evident; it is okay to offer aid to someone even if you don’t know exactly what circumstance brought them to the trouble – especially if you’ve been trained to do so.

But Will wasn’t having any disagreement. He’s the one who works alongside Special Forces. He’s the one who … blah blah blah. I commented that using his logic, he and I “shouldn’t” be having this conversation. Neither one of us are trained in Special Forces, so we should both agree to disagree and move on.

Nope. Not happening. I started laughing at the ridiculousness of it to which Will responded, “What do we think is so funny here? Why are we laughing?”

Well, “we” weren’t laughing. I was. Now I was angry, and I’m angry still this morning.

I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about whether or not female psychologists are present at Special Forces training. What I am angry about is that he tried to shut down my opinion of the situation and force his opinion onto me.

I am pissed off about his tactics of manipulation and fuzzy logic (with rules apparent only to him and changeable only by him)! I am angry that “simple” conversations can take a turn for the worst at the drop of a hat. I am angry that he seeks to shut me down instead of let me be.

I want to be me. I want to be me without some heavy hand over my head ready to squash me into the floor because I am different from Will.

So, I need some anger management tips. It’s no fun to go to bed feeling angry, hoping the new day will relieve the feeling only to wake and find the anger went no where. It’s still here.

How do I get rid of the anger? I don’t want to ignore it, I only want to acknowledge it and decide what, if anything, to do about it. If I’m going to focus on the “happy moments” then I have to figure out how to healthfully move past these uncomfortable ones.

Kellie Jo Holly passionately advocates against domestic violence through her writing and mentoring service. She loves helping women cope with abuse while in the relationship and supporting them as they leave the relationship and begin to heal. You can also find Kellie on Google+, Facebook and Twitter. You can buy her books from Amazon.

Comments

In my own marriage I gave up trying to express my differing opinions. I started to walk away whenever something came up where I could foresee a disagreement.

In my own marriage I have learned that
He wants me to agree because he values my opinion. When I don’t see eye to eye he believes that if I don’t change my mind I have invalidated his opinion. It does not occur to him to validate his opinion for himself because, secretly, he does not value his own opinion.

It is twisted logic. In his mind it is easier to make me agree than to be OK with his opinion.

Of course I get angry because I want him to acknowledge my right to a different opinion. But I know he can’t do this. I think thats where the stereotypical phrase “whatever you say dear” comes from.

I just try to own my opinion for myself and let him wallow in whatever delusions he chooses.

Of course – I have decided to get out. That makes it easy to take the high road.

quietone, how did you become so wise? i see this too. Will doesn’t value himself, his own opinion. he looks outward for validation and finding difference, seeks to destroy it. that’s the only way to be “right” is if someone agrees with you after “discussion.”

in some ways, i look to others to validate me, too. not so much anymore, but it is something i wrestle with. instead of sticking by what i believe, i go on endless searches for why it may be wrong to believe that way. i believe this is open-mindedness at best, debilitating self-doubt at worst.