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Maybe you and your husband, and some other of her friends, could all chip in and send her to a Model Mugging course, so she can learn to deliver a knockout blow to an assailant. I attended only a graduation a long time ago and learned a lot just from that, taking a course would be a good investment. They even teach them how to deal with assailants who are under the influence of drugs or alcohol, which affects their responses. You say you took a self-defense class yourself, I would hope you found it useful - perhaps sending her to one would be a better investment of time and energy than guarding her every night (and the sex), especially if she is feeling disempowered by her ex's assholish treatment of her. It might really help her self-esteem in a more lasting way than getting it on with your hubs or anyone else would.

Yikes... $450 USD for the course and $800 airfare and probably $300 for accommodations (she doesn't live anywhere near any of those locations) plus passport and finding childcare for three days... I really wish that were an option, but we certainly don't have that kind of money lying around... and most of her friends are in the same situation she is, which is to say flat broke. But her parents have some money, and something like this is probably a good idea.

I will also suggest the local Wen-Do class. It's much more affordable and I know it certainly helped me feel more confident when I've needed to walk in places where people shouldn't walk alone. More than anything, it taught me TO fight back, which I think is the most important part. Technique is obviously important too, but even just screaming "NO!" in their face and making it obvious that you're not going to just lie down and take their shit goes a long way towards self-protection. That and walking like you're not afraid of anything

I haven't mentioned it, but her dad's actually a cop too. I'll tell her to ask him if they offer anything, since children of cops can sometimes be at risk of retaliation from the criminals they arrest.

__________________“As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.”—bisexualbaker

hmmm...
but it's not when i'm expecting it that i'm scxared...
i'm worries he'lkl break in when im asleep, or won't bring my kids home at the end of a visit, or that he'll pull a powell and murder them so i can't have them...
tho i have thought about the wen do before.
just a matter of childcare, my sister is no longer an option after saturday.

__________________“As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.”—bisexualbaker

I also just found out that she only got the letter that he's out of jail today... he's been out for over a week now. The only reason she knew earlier was because she'd called victim services and they flagged the file, and it was them who called her, not the police themselves.

WTF.

__________________“As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.”—bisexualbaker

I know. WTF, right? Welcome to the wonderful world of Child lack-of-protection Services. But if she tries to just say "no fucking way" then she's in breach of the custody arrangement, and they can take the kids for that. Their reasoning is that he has never hurt the children, and he wasn't in jail for anything "violent" per se... just for breaching the restraining order. He's even threatened to keep them for good, and the system still won't cut him off or even arrange supervised visits. It's a fucking joke.

She's speaking with a lawyer about going back to court to re-visit the custody arrangement, but these things take time. At least in the meantime, before his trial, there's a restraining order that includes the children, imposed by the police, so that takes precedence over CFS's decision and the custody agreement. But if the trial comes and goes and the restraining order is somehow lifted by the courts.........

__________________“As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.”—bisexualbaker

The more I read about this, the stronger I feel that friendly support is what she needs right now - she has SOOO many practical things that she needs to work on, and could probably use some help with and self-esteem and feeling desirable may have to come later...

__________________

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb

Agreed. That's why my husband and I have decided that sexing her up isn't the best thing right now. What she chooses to do with other guys, I have no control over... But I've told her how I feel about that, and that's really all I can do.

The last thing she needs right now is someone else telling her how she HAS TO live her life. She's had enough of that, and needs the chance to make her own decisions, consequences or not.

__________________“As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.”—bisexualbaker

Although i do not participate in the lifestyle discussed here, i am all for doing what makes you happy.I find it strange to see that this situation,being the issue of whether or not to agree to lend your husband to your best friend, requires so much discussion?I think that there is only ONE simple question to be answered here.This is how i see it ....Are you prepared to lend your most valuable treasure to anyone else, when there is even the slightest chance that they might not give it back ?????????I find it strange that your dearest friend would ask this of you , let alone your husband.I wouldnt care about how HELPFUL it might be for her damaged soul.She can go out and find her own husband when she is prepared to do that herself.Until then she can find her own FWB .No amount of planning and discussing what to do when they end up more connected after having a sexual relationship will make an ounce of difference when it has already happened.Even legal documents drawn up to protect us from misery, are not worth the paper they are written on when things go wrong!!!!I love my friends dearly too ,but i have learnt not to even lend them my books , let alone my husband!!!DONT lend things that you are not prepared to lose .......