The Daily News had “air expert” Bill Logan take readings in neighborhoods throughout the city, and the results are expectedly gross — spores, bacteria, miniscule shards of glass, carbon, diesel smoke, and tire remnants all abound.

They do, however, vary from neighborhood to neighborhood in telling ways — Chinatown has extra starch and fat in the air from all the cooking, the South Bronx, with its lack of filtering greenery, has extra diesel smoke and carbon. Williamsburg’s reading was particularly embarrassing.

Readings in the area indicated higher than normal levels of “blue jeans,” tire rubber, nail polish, pollen, and cotton, along with a single, floating silk thread. Logan dubbed this the “hipster sample.”

And really, is he wrong? Who enjoys denim, tires, manicures, and plants more than hipsters? “Nearly every city dweller in existence,” you say? No. Leave these fineries to the hipsters.