Thursday, October 15, 2009

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.There is a very long list toward the end of this post. How I wish I was reading all about these babies' milestones instead of how much pain their families are in.

Most of us in this little blog world, know this.I wish it would all stop. It sucks. Big time.I posted the Video from the Stillbirth Foundation on Facebook too. Not to make people feel bad or awkward but to get them to open their eyes to things that go on around them. That the world is not a perfect place, in fact it is one where many die and suffer every year. An equally large number of babies die every year as well as all the more common causes of death for adults etc. But how many recognise that?

This video is from the Stillbirth Foundation in Australia. It is hard to watch...I recognise the pain in many of those faces. If only it could have been so different for all of us.I couldn't figure out how to get the actual video in the post- I'm feeling way too frazzled and emotional to keep trying, but please follow the link and have a look. You may recognise Sally, from Tuesday's Hope...Hope's picture is labelled with her name. She is pictured with her Mummy and her Daddy.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Vuvm3uVT8E

I join with Sally and all of you other amazing women as tonight (at 7pm), we light a candle- or in our case 2- for our precious ones that are no longer with us. My heart is breaking today for all of us.

In honour and rememberance of my beautiful twin boys....you are always in our hearts. We miss you more than we can say. much love always, Mummy xx

All of the little baby friends Matthew and Joshua are playing with up in heaven...

And I know there a many more out there....I tried to include as many as I could remember from my wonderful blogging community and IRL also. If I have forgotten anyone, please, please add them to the list in a comment and I will edit my post. All of our babies are important and never, ever forgotten. I have added names to the top of the list that Sally started.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

I can't seem to write anything that makes sense..... I only have to read a sentence or two from some blog posts to feel like I am shaking and fighting back sobs.

I want to write. But nothing comes out right. Or it doesn't say what I want it to.

I am reading some of my regular blogs again but I guess my heart is not ready to contribute to the group ....yet. Bear with me.

I am still mad. Mad that MY boys had to get stupid TTTS, MAD that I didn't get to bring them home....alive, MAD that other people are having twins and they both survive, MAD ( and BARFING) at people that seem to be planning to be pregnant at the same time and will probably end up with healthy , beautiful babies, MAD that is now now waaaaay past SEPTEMBER and I am not overcome with tiredness and dealing with 3 under 3, MAD that my due date passed with not a whisper from ANYONE. That's right, ANYONE.MAD that I don't feel the same joy I use to when others announced their news. Instead I roll my eyes, or just ignore, or cry silently, or secretely dislike them a lot, or just indifferent. I feel jealous instead. What fun. Will I ever be the same person again who can squeal with delight at someone's news?

Don't get me wrong- I don't want to wish this pain on others. I just want MY TURN.I am MAD that I'm not naive, and that I know how many squillions of things that can go wrong with pregnancy and babies. I'm MAD that I won't feel completely relaxed about the next one- God willing- until they are safe- home in their crib. And even then.....I read in the paper on Sunday about an olympic swimmer who lost his 2 yr old son....just days before he was to turn 2??? I'm guessing it was SIDS, the paper didn't say. My DH tells me not to read these things, or watch things like that on TV....but there I was soaking up every detail of that article, trying to hold myself together. Why are their little lives threatened so???? Why can't they just be? Give me their suffering anyday. That children should suffer and die just smashes my crappy little broken heart to pieces, yet again.

I still just want it all to "go away". I want my twin boys to be wearing the cute, matching clothes I bought for them, or the wellington boots I found at a garage sale. What the heck do I do with them now??? Caleb wore one pair for a bit- but they are tight on his little feet now. Do I keep them?? Will God give us more babies or not?? are we to be forever a family of 3 alive and 3 in heaven???

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About Me

I'm Sarah.This is my journey, my place to share what's on my heart.I am a mother to 1 little boy here with me,1 little star in heaven along with 2 identical twin boys who are hanging out together in heaven.
Caleb is my first born son. He was born on 24th August 2007.
Matthew and Joshua, were my second and third sons, born sleeping on the 7th June 2008 as a result of TTTS . This blog is dedicated to them.