How should I begin / To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?

April 12, 2009

How to Win (and Lose) a Scorpio Woman

I've never met Jessica in person, but posts like this convince me that our approaches to inter-personal relationships are very similar. (I suppose that means that we would either really get along, or we really wouldn't.)

...I want to make an attempt at an answer to two questions that people often search for when they arrive at my blog: how does one seduce a Scorpio woman and how does one manage to keep her?

First, I would not recommend trying to seduce a Scorpio of either gender. It’s just probably not going to work. There are methods I’ll describe in a moment, but the first warning is: don’t. It’s not gonna happen. When a Scorpio wants you, you’ll know it, and she or he will go to any lengths to quietly, effectively, and absolutely seduce you. We’re a passionate and brave (even arrogant) people, and we’ll figure out what makes you tick and own it.

Ok, so let’s say you want a Scorpio and s/he is not paying attention to you. This doesn’t mean s/he is playing hard-to-get. Of the Scorpios I’ve known, I’ve never seen one play hard-to-get. We simply decide on you or don’t. So either s/he is simply not interested or s/he hasn’t noticed you yet. If s/he knows you and isn’t interested, it’s fairly hopeless for you, but there is a strategy (which I’ll discuss in a minute). If s/he doesn’t know you yet, be brave and introduce yourself.

Option 1: S/he’s not interested

Solution: Back off. Rethink this. Do you really, really want to be with this person? Obsessively? Devoutly? Are there any other options on the face of the earth for you? If you’re at all uncertain that this is who you want to be with, go somewhere else. Get out while you still can, because once you start something with a Scorpio, it’s going to be a wild ride. Think about this. Don’t think about it for a few days, think about it for months or years. When you’re absolutely certain that this Scorpio is Your Scorpio, tell them. Give it to them in its raw, uncoded, honest form (they’ll know if you’re lying). The only way to deal with a Scorp is to play on that final frontier where true risk takes place. Risk is your trump card.

Option 2: S/he hasn’t noticed you yet

Solution: Be brave. Find out about them and talk to them about themselves (this works for most signs, but surprisingly, not all!). Don’t be showy, aggressive, clingy, needy, or otherwise Too Strong or Too Fragile. Scorps can see straight through your bullshit, and they’re not interested in it. They want to engage with your deep dark soul. Tell them a secret.

If the Scorp is interested, you’ll know, and you’ll be claimed. If s/he’s not, refer to Option 1/Solution 1.

What a Scorp wants most is deep, undying loyalty. This makes relationships and friendships between Scorps undissolvable even when they treat each other badly. Scorps are likely to be a little evil, but it’s realistic: not everyone is good all the time. Can you handle a little evil? If you can’t, find yourself another sign. If you can, you’re our type. Now the only challenge is to hang on for dear life without seeming clingy.

Ok, so let’s say you have somehow been lucky enough to win yourself a Scorpio. Either you’ve attracted them and they’ve “decided on you” with that particular Scorp voracity, or you’ve slowly won them over, and now you have them. How do you get rid of them?

Like all dragons, Scorps have a soft spot, and this soft spot can be hit with Jealousy. Depending on the length of your relationship and the Scorp’s investment in it, you may need more or less Jealousy to hit the spot, but the arrow will eventually go in, and you will lose the Scorp, possibly amid draconian flames, forever.

I just want to warn you before you go about hurting a Scorp. Reread that entry on the Scorpio Woman. If we’re hurt and we take pity on you we might let you get away relatively unscathed, but don’t count on our pity. If you destroy us, we’ll destroy you, and we will heal, but you won’t.

Ok, so you’ve been warned, and you really are tired of your Scorp. Start an affair, fall in love with someone else, or otherwise cheat on them emotionally or physically with one or more people. Don’t tell them about this beforehand or involve them in the process. Do it, then tell them. This will get rid of your Scorpio. It may take multiple passes, but eventually you will kill them. (And then they will kill you. Which is why, if you didn’t want a Scorpio, you should never have gotten involved in the first place.)

Jaime, the assistant manager at the chocolate factory, has a plan for zodiac-themed chocolates. The Scorpio flavor is absinthe.