I lost my my best friend who happened to be my cousin and my God mother

I haven't had the best life growing up. I was never the girl that had many friends. I was never the popular girl in school. But I was me, and I was okay with that. I relied on family to pull me through the hard times. They grounded me when my life was collapsing around me. My cousin, Becky, always seemed to be the easiest to help me. She was divorced, had 2 kids whom I just adore and was a teacher, of which I am now going for in school as well. She understood me, and never judged me. I was home alone a lot my first year of college, and she helped me through the long days. There was a strong connection that ran thicker than just a cousin to cousin relationship. Although she could be a pain in the butt sometimes, I knew she loved me and was there for me no matter what. I told her things that no one else in my family did. In short, she was my best friend.
It was June 27, 2011 when my world seemed to collapse. You see, Becky was dating a guy, had been for a little less than a month. He seemed all right, nothing special about him but he seemed too clingy for my liking. After me and a few other family members brought this to Becky's attention, she realized this too so she broke it off with him. That's when it happened...
I was supposed to be picking up a friend to go down to Summerfest where we were going to later meet up with my mom and Becky. Just as I was headed down, I got a call from my mom saying that I had to come meet her at the mall. I was mad because plans were being changed, but I listened. I knew when I saw her that something was wrong. But what she told me didn't even register at the time. My cousin, my best friend, my godmother, had been murdered.
The guy she had been dating, came back a day after she had broken up with him and stabbed her to death in front of her 2 children. She died on scene, holding my little cousins hands. She was only 34 years old.
It all seems so factual as I type this out and see this on a screen. A day will pass and it seems like nothing over the summer even happened. I still expect her to call me and invite me over for dinner that usually tasted like rubber. I'm not sure why I chose to write this all out. Maybe to be told I'm not crazy....I have never felt this alone or this scared. Scared about trusting people, believing in people, that my life will get better again. In the last 4 months, there has barely been a day that has gone by where I have not cried. I've lost family before, 2 grandparents, an aunt, a close friend's dad, some others...but none have hit me this hard. I don't want to be sad anymore but I don't know how not to be. I'm also afraid that if I let my friends know how sad I am, that they will not stay my friend...no one wants to be around a "Debbie Downer." Is it unusual that I am still so upset by this? Everyone always talks about the steps in grieving but I feel i'm stuck in the crying stage...and im not sure how to fix it, or if i have to.

Shalom in Yeshua Gratzgrl, thank you for sharing the very sad story about Becky. I just wanted to tell you that you are very normal in the way you are grieving for her.

There is something quite disturbing in the passing of loved ones when they have been the subject of violence. It leaves those left behind angry towards those responsible, in that they have taken away someone so special. This is then added to the normal feelings, making it particularly hard. This is why it has hit you so hard and makes you feel so scarred.

You say that you don't want to tell your friends that you are so sad. Can you talk to your family? You need to share these feelings with others. This is the vital part of grieving. If you cannot do that then do it here. We have all been through the loss of loved ones, and we all want to help you through this.

You are not stuck, you are at stage one. The next stage is anger at the person responsible. You cant 'fix it' on your own, you need to share your feelings, forgive, trust and love again. All of which we can help you with.

I am so sorry about what happened to Becky. Let me tell you a similar story about a dear friend of mine in Africa. His name was Cornelius but i called him C. He was a fantastic artist and was making alot of money from selling his art. He had his own office and staff that worked for him as he ran his own gallery. One day i recieved a message from his family saying he had been murdered. His staff - in particular his secretary - had all been involved in trying to robb him and steal his paintings to sell and get the money. However they were busted and in return C was killed. The 5 stages of grief are no in order and there is no time limit to when the next part of the grief stage starts or ends. I am grieving for the loss of my grandmother who died last week and we have already had the funeral but i am still in the very beginning stages of the grief. Just ride the waves, let yourself cry and soon enough your heart will mend. There are always people on here, like i too have found, that you can talk to should you ever need an ear. Just remember the good times and the memories and know she is always watching over you.

I am so sorry for your loss. At the age of 40, I have lost several friends to suicide. A different kind of loss but one that is so senseless and unfair. I don't know as that you truly ever move forward but there are things you can do to help ease some of the grief. Again, so very sorry for your loss!