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Dorothy: Blanche, tell us about your date last night.
Blanche: All I can tell you is Mr. Ted Tanner is quite a man...quite a man. He suites me to a....G.
Rose: (giggles) You mean 'to a T' .
Dorothy: No, I don't think so Rose.

R: I know, but Dorothy decided to go when Sophia and Blanche started to talking about whether or not Sophia should put up underwears.
They said it'd be fun to scare the hell out of the shoes salesman.
ONE OF GREATEST!! xD

D: Would anyone care for...?"
S: Get out! Get out! Get out!"

S: She has no right to run your life. She's only your sister
Marvin: She's not my sister, she's my wife
S: Dorothy, you can come in now
D: I thought that two of you would like some ice cool lemonade
S: Marvin is married to Sarah
D: You don't get any lemonade
M: I didn't mean to just plaid it out, but I can explain. And I know you and your daughter must have a lot of questions
S: You bet we do. And by the way, Dorothy's not my daughter, she's my lesbian lover.
D: MA!
S: See, Marvin. How you like it? Not a pretty picture, is it?
D: Marvin, what the hell is going on here?
S: Isn't it obvious? They put an ad in a magazine to lure unsuspecting cutie like me into their web of sex games. They want me to be their love slave.
*Doorbell*
Sarah: Hi! I come to pick up my brother
S: Well if isn't Mrs. Caligulia! Come on in and pull up a whip!!
D: You two have a lot of explaining to do
M: I'm sorry, Sarah. I told them we're married
Sa: Oh dear
D: Why did you lie to my mother?
Sa: I didn't want to lie. We were gonna tell the truth as soon as we were sure that Sophia was the one we want.
D: Then it is true! You wanted my mother for sex games. Oh God, this is so unbelievable.
S: It's not that unbelievable

S: I haven't seen that kind of face eating since Silence of The Lambs

S: I saw dorothy and miles kissing.... i said i saw dorothy, your friend, and miles, your fiancee, kissing....... hello?!...

S: and? and she's pregnant with his lovechild! what do you mean and?!

R: You'll have to excuse Sophia
S: Really? You heard that? I thought that I was safe backed up against these pillows.

Helper: Remember! steady steps, we're not gozilla attacking the city

D: What would you call a girl, who sleeps with a man after knowing him only one day?
B: A damn good sport!?

S: She has a special diet. I hate people like her. You turn your back for a minute, and "boom boom", the food is gone...

One of my favourites is the episode where Rose and Dorothy are installing a toilet.
The plumber delivers the toilet but refuses to bring it to the bathroom for the girls to install because he thinks it's a man's job. So he leaves the toilet in the middle of the living room floor.
Rose and Dorothy try to move it, but they can't, with Dorothy saying they should just forget it.
Rose: Now Dorothy, if the Egyptians built the pyramids we can move this toilet.
Dorothy: Fine, get me 20,000 Hebrews and I'll have it out of here in no time.

It's a bit politically incorrect (as well as historically wrong) but it sure was funny! That entire scene is great.

Blanche: "Dirk is a few years younger than I am."
Dorothy: "In what Blanche, dog years?"

***

Dorothy: What happened?
Blanche: She shot my vase.
Dorothy: What are you doing shooting, are you crazy?!
Rose: I heard a noise, I thought it was robbers.
Sophia: I lived eighty, eighty-one years, I survived two world wars, pneumonia, a stroke and two operations. One night I'll belch and Stable Mabel here will blow my head off!

***

Sophia: (from her bedroom) "I'm not in; leave a message after the beep, BEEP!"
Rose: (on the outside of the door) "Hi, this is Rose...."

***

Blanche: "We're afraid of the aliens"
Dorothy: "How many times do I have to tell you? They are the Chungs and they're very nice people"

***

Dorothy: “Okay, girls, which goes better,
the silver chain or the pearls?”
Rose: “The chain.”
Blanche: “An amateur’s mistake. Can’t you
see that the chain accentuates the many folds
of that turkey-like neck?”
Rose: “Well, that may be, but the pearls
draw attention to the non-existent bosom.”
Blanche: “Yes, but the chain leads the eye
even lower, to that huge spare tire jutting out
over those square, manly hips.”
Dorothy: “Why don’t I just wear a sign that
says ‘Too Ugly to Live’?”
Blanche: “Fine. But what are you going to
hang it from, the pearls or the chain?”
Dorothy: “Neither! I’m going to spray paint
it on my hump!"

***

Dorothy: Maybe it's a good idea to get, you know, protection.
Rose: An enema bag?
Dorothy: No, to the left.
Rose: A Nestle's Crunch?
Dorothy: Condoms, Rose. Condoms, condoms!!
Clerk at the register: Take it easy lady, you just get out of prison?

Dorothy: "You know what girls. I really like him and I think he likes me."
Sophia: "Just don't ruin it and sleep with him."
Dorothy: "Of course not, Ma. I only do that with men I plan to scar psychologically."

***

Blanche: I know - we could hitchhike! I could lift up my skirt, like in that Clark Gable movie, It Happened One Night. We'll have a ride in no time!
Sophia: Please! You lift up your skirt, and someone might mistake your thigh for the "On" ramp to the freeway!

***

Blanche: I never had to pay a penny in backtaxes. I have a way with auditors. The last time I was audited I even got money back from the government.
Sophia: Blanche, it's not a refund when the auditor leaves two twenties on your nightstand.

D: Rose, I am not in denial.
R: Yes, you are. You're just denying you're in denial.
D: I am not denying I'm in denial.
R: If you're not denying you're in denial, then you're in denial.
D: Look, fluffhead. Why should I deny being in denial? I never said I was in denial, you are the one who said I was in denial, and don't you deny it.

R: You'll have to excuse Sophia
S: Really? You heard that? I thought that I was safe backed up against these pillows.

S: Fasten your seat belt, slut puppy, this ain't gonna be no cakewalk

B: Wait! Is that my Cabana Club beach towel?”
R: You mean the one with the naked couple being swept up in the waves?
B: Yes! You can’t use this towel?
D: Please, Blanche, this is an emergency!
B: No, I have too many fond memories attached to this towel!
D: Blanche, I’m in no mood to hear about the endless parade of sexual
encounters you have experienced up and
down the Florida coastline, with nothing but
this towel between your hot flesh and the
cold, wet sand!
B: Dorothy, I brought my baby son Skippy home from the hospital in this
towel.
D: You’re lying, Blanche!
B: Damn, you’re good!

B: When Mel and I are together,...we laugh a lot!
S: Why wouldn't you? You're both naked!

Blanche: I cannot believe it, I have lost it haven't I?
Sophia: In more backseats than any woman I know.

Sophia: Oh, what's he gonna do? Come over and spank me?

Rose: Should I get Sophia a glass a water?
Dorothy: No Rose, you should sit here and watch her hack herself to death.

B: Girls, is this dress me?
S: It's too tight, it's too short and it shows too much cleavage for a woman your age
D: Yes, Blanche, it's you

S: Welcome to the George Bush era: Me, Me, Me!

S: My hiney's asleep...
D: Fine, we'll keep our voices down...

D: If it make you feel any better, I'll take you
S: Oh, Good. Now, while we're there, will you promise, to hold my hand entire time?
D: Oh, Ma. Are you really that scared?
S: No, I just wanna make sure you're not grabbing brochures behind my back!

R: A sex crazed psycho with a granny complex. Sorry Blanche, I gotta call them as I see'em

S: How many challenges do I have left in life? Seeing, if I can get more than half way across the street before the "dont walk" sign comes on. Trying to stay awake on the john. Hoping it is the john

B: He called me an olster... I called him a pig... We're having dinner on Saturday.

Dorothy: "Oh Rose, please! Spare me the endless, inane details of how Heidi Flugendoogel Gergenplatz successfully matched a bull with a duck."
"And how their daughter was a bull-duck who ran a small tattoo parlor..."

R: I would have died if I'd ever caught my parents having sex
D: You never walked in?
R: once, but they were only playing leap frog

B: Who wants to be a nun? I mean "nun", the word says it

D: I've just been thrown out from an unauthorized Elvis fan club. I try to pick up the pieces and go on with my life. There must be a support group for people like me

D: Rose, I am not in denial.
R: Yes, you are. You're just denying you're in denial.
D: I am not denying I'm in denial.
R: If you're not denying you're in denial, then you're in denial.
D: Look, fluffhead. Why should I deny being in denial? I never said I was in denial, you are the one who said I was in denial, and don't you deny it.

R: You'll have to excuse Sophia
S: Really? You heard that? I thought that I was safe backed up against these pillows.

S: Fasten your seat belt, slut puppy, this ain't gonna be no cakewalk

B: Wait! Is that my Cabana Club beach towel?”
R: You mean the one with the naked couple being swept up in the waves?
B: Yes! You can’t use this towel?
D: Please, Blanche, this is an emergency!
B: No, I have too many fond memories attached to this towel!
D: Blanche, I’m in no mood to hear about the endless parade of sexual
encounters you have experienced up and
down the Florida coastline, with nothing but
this towel between your hot flesh and the
cold, wet sand!
B: Dorothy, I brought my baby son Skippy home from the hospital in this
towel.
D: You’re lying, Blanche!
B: Damn, you’re good!

B: When Mel and I are together,...we laugh a lot!
S: Why wouldn't you? You're both naked!

Blanche: I cannot believe it, I have lost it haven't I?
Sophia: In more backseats than any woman I know.

Sophia: Oh, what's he gonna do? Come over and spank me?

Rose: Should I get Sophia a glass a water?
Dorothy: No Rose, you should sit here and watch her hack herself to death.

B: Girls, is this dress me?
S: It's too tight, it's too short and it shows too much cleavage for a woman your age
D: Yes, Blanche, it's you

S: Welcome to the George Bush era: Me, Me, Me!

S: My hiney's asleep...
D: Fine, we'll keep our voices down...

D: If it make you feel any better, I'll take you
S: Oh, Good. Now, while we're there, will you promise, to hold my hand entire time?
D: Oh, Ma. Are you really that scared?
S: No, I just wanna make sure you're not grabbing brochures behind my back!

R: A sex crazed psycho with a granny complex. Sorry Blanche, I gotta call them as I see'em

S: How many challenges do I have left in life? Seeing, if I can get more than half way across the street before the "dont walk" sign comes on. Trying to stay awake on the john. Hoping it is the john

B: He called me an olster... I called him a pig... We're having dinner on Saturday.

Dorothy: "Oh Rose, please! Spare me the endless, inane details of how Heidi Flugendoogel Gergenplatz successfully matched a bull with a duck."
"And how their daughter was a bull-duck who ran a small tattoo parlor..."

R: I would have died if I'd ever caught my parents having sex
D: You never walked in?
R: once, but they were only playing leap frog

B: Who wants to be a nun? I mean "nun", the word says it

D: I've just been thrown out from an unauthorized Elvis fan club. I try to pick up the pieces and go on with my life. There must be a support group for people like me

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