English Story – Married but Unhappy

I got married when I was 23 years old, and for a while I was unhappy. I couldn’t break up our marriage cuz I had always believed divorce was not an option. So I tried to live one day at a time, not overthinking the future, hoping that things will get better some day.

The problem was, it was all me, my wife didn’t do anything to upset me and she’s genuinely innocent. I didn’t laugh when she was telling jokes, mainly because she can’t tell jokes and always mess up the punchline, it’s also because I didn’t love her anymore, but I tried to crack a smile as hard as it was.

I didn’t even notice when she wore something new or fixed herself for me. I was aware of my problem and that’s why I was going crazy, the fact that it’s all me. That being said, I have never hurt her or even said something unpleasant to her, I never acted on those feelings, I kept my shit to myself.

So I left, and took a road trip. Driving always helped me get better for the night. I drive alone and talk out loud and let it all out so I don’t burst up and explode during the day.

接着我开启了我的公路之旅，独自一人开夜车让我觉得好过些，我大声讲话，让情绪发泄，这样不至于在白天失控爆发。

Nothing happened during those silent days of driving, except that she called me twice everyday to check on me.

在那些安静开车的日子里什么都没有发生，除了她每天两通电话，看我是否安好。

She never missed a call, and suddenly I realized that I was waiting for her to forget to call me. I keep realizing how much of an asshole I am.One day while driving I had a moment of clarity, it was so beautiful that I smiled and cried at the same time.

My mind drew a picture for me and here it is.. My wife crying while i’m not there or I can’t see her, then she gathers herself and acts normal when im there, and tries to tell a joke just to get me to smile even though she knows she can’t tell jokes, and for some reason, she was wearing a white dress.

I was thinking about my own happiness so much that I forgot to think about how miserable i’m making her feel. I never hated myself more than I did at that moment.

我只顾自己的喜乐，却忘了顾及她的感受。在那一刻，我从未如此讨厌自己。

I turned the car around and drove home, and while i’m on the road, I kept imagining her in that white dress. It made me happy. And I recalled some of the jokes she had told me before, and I laughed about how she messed up the punchline every time.That was three years ago, we had two daughters since then and I can’t believe how lucky I am that I didn’t mess it up. I’m thankful that she didn’t leave me when she had every excuse to. I’m not exaggerating when I tell you that with every love song that I hear, I think of her.

So to the people who think they don’t love their partners anymore, dig a little deeper. There’s a scene in the movie Hachi: A Dog’s Tale, where the father asks his daughter’s boyfriend, “Do you love my daughter? Because that’s what you want to remember in the bad days.”