Anonymous Story: Weak

recently i’ve been hearing a lot
about rape and sexual assault
stories and poems telling a close male in someones life
forcing himself upon women who were too scared
too weak, i thought, to say no
“just tell him to stop”
“why were you not more assertive”
in the frowning upon of victim blaming
i guiltily shut these thoughts away in the back of my brain
but nevertheless these thoughts were formed
of victims being girls who could not stand up for themselves

now i like to think myself a woman of power
shamefully i insist i am strong, independent
always proud of being straight forward
not beating around the bush
if that were me i would have punched the dude
i can make myself be heard
i thought

but when one day your boyfriend is persistent
when you are simply not feeling it
but he does not understand
you think of saying no with a giggle
you don’t want to ruin the mood
but he does not give up
move after move
you think there’s something wrong with you
that you owe him the pleasure of pleasuring you
you think it’s sweet
romantic
there’s nothing wrong with that
and so you let him force himself upon you

it hurts, but pain is meant to compliment pleasure
you think
like in those movies
let him enjoy thinking you’re enjoying this
for him
you scream out in pain but he doesn’t hear it
he thinks its pleasure, inexperience
he doesn’t mean it
he doesn’t mean to

blood
you tell him no.
you tell him stop.
you yell and scream and say “seriously”
you use his full name
you assert your dominance, your alpha, your voice
he would listen to you
but he doesn’t because all you could actually muster is a weak, pathetic, “stop”..

just like in those poems
those stories
of the girls you condemned
the pity you lacked
the emptiness they described is something you now feel

i’m sorry for being so blind
to think that victims are at fault
to being so traditional when this movement of freedom, love and acceptance
is what we all should be embracing to some degree
not turning our backs on because of pride and ego
because that’s what we think is the stronger, bolder choice

i’m sorry

rape happens to people like you
people like me
not to weak people
people are weak, no matter how strong you think you are
flesh and bone are fragile
our minds are thin glass panes

and these poem and stories that are told
that i thought were obnoxious and glorifying and unnecessary
are so important
and i hear this over and over again
but now i see
because they remind us to teach our children that NO is NO
and to tell everyone that it IS OKAY to not be okay
to tell people how you feel
what is going on
that you are weak
and broken

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The When You're Ready Project is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories and have their voices heard, finding strength in one another. When you're ready to share your story, we will be here.