Lisa: You'll practice me...what does that mean? Is it supposed to be some sort of a threat?

Lisa: Look Bart, I have to practice my saxophone, and you can't stop me!

Bart: Oh yeah? My dear Lisa, you are eight, and I am ten. And in my two extra years on this planet, I've learned a few tricks. [thinks for a moment] Gimme that sax!

Lisa: No!

Bart: I said gimme it!

Lisa: I said NO!

Bart: Gimme it!

Lisa: No!

[Bart yanks the sax from Lisa's hands, and Lisa watches in slow-motion terror as it flies out her window and into the street. It lands with a clatter, and is immediately crushed by car, a truck driven by Hans Moleman, and a few jumps from Nelson, who says, "Ha, ha!". The tricycle-riding man from "Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In" falling down on it.]

Homer: It all happened in 1990! Back then, "The Artist Formerly Known As Prince" was currently known as "Prince". Tracey Ullman was entertaining America with songs, sketches, and crudely drawn filler material. And Bart was eagerly awaiting his first day of school.

Homer: Now son, on your first day of school, I'd like to pass along the words of advice my father gave me.

Grampa: (from Homer's memory) Homer, you're dumb as a mule and twice as ugly, if a strange man offers you a ride, I say take it!

Marge: Look, I knew private school would be expensive, but I was hoping we could get a scholarship of some sort.

Headmaster: Sorry. I don't have anything to offer you unless you're a member of a minority group.

Homer: [in a Mexican accent] Excellente! Muchos gracias seniorata!

Headmaster: Sorry.

Homer: [in a Chinese accent] Ah-so...

Homer: Our family was suffering through its worst crisis ever. Bart was miserable at school, and Lisa's gifts were going to waste.

Bart: Uh, Homer? It's five years later, and I'm still miserable at school.

Lisa: And my gifts are still going to waste!

Marge: And sometimes I feel so smothered by this family I just want to scream until my lungs explode!! [The rest of the family stares at Marge for a moment. She regains her composure after a deep breath.] I'll go start dinner now. [goes into the kitchen]

Homer: You do that.

[When Grampa comes over]

Homer: Dad, what are you doing here?

Grampa: Looking for my teeth! [Santa's Little Helper has Grampa's false teeth in his mouth.] Gimme those! [takes the teeth] Better wash these off. Aw, the hell with it.[puts them in his mouth anyway]

Grampa: Oh, I know this story! The year was nineteen-ought-six. The President is the divine Miss Sarah Burnheart. And all over America, people were doin' a dance called the "Funky Grandpa"! [sings] Oh... I'm...the...[falls asleep standing up]

[During Springfield's unseasonable heat wave; Homer is watching TV while in his underwear]

Kent Brockman: [on TV] And so Springfield's heat wave continues, with today's temperature exceeding the record for this date, set way back four billion years ago, when the earth was just a ball of molten lava!

Homer: Oh... so hot...

Marge: Homer, have you seen the frozen peas?

[Homer wipes his face with a frozen dinner and pulls the peas out from underneath him.]

Marge: Ahh, you keep 'em. Now listen, if we can't afford private school, maybe there's some other way to encourage Lisa. Eh, an art class! Ballet lessons! They have some fun things you can do at the museum on Saturday!

Homer: Uh-uh. Forget it, Marge. There is no way I am spending my Saturdays at a museum. Unless...museums don't have Foosball, do they?

[Homer daydreams about himself at the museum, playing Foosball with a statue.]

Homer: You lose, Michelangelo's "David"! Who's next?

Edward Munch's "The Scream" Painting: Meeeeeee!

[end of Homer's daydream]

Marge: Mmm, it doesn't matter. All these things cost money and we don't have it. Unless...

Homer: Unless...what?

Marge: Well, there is that $200 we've been saving for the new air conditioner.

Homer: Oh, Marge, but we've needed a new air conditioner for years! And our stop-gap solution is getting cranky! [The "stop-gap solution" is a white cat with a fan on its tail, blowing air onto a block of ice, who lets out an angry meow]

Marge: I cannot believe this! I'm trying to give our daughter a head start in life, and you aren't helping a bit!

Homer: Marge, name one successful person in life who ever lived without air conditioning.

Marge: Balzac!

Homer: No need for potty mouth just because you can't think of one.

Marge: But Balzac is the name!

Homer: [interrupts] "If if's and but's were candy and nuts..." eh, how does the rest of that go?

[Homer steals Flanders' air conditioner]

Ned: Uh, Homer?

Homer: What, Flanders?

Ned: [polite tone] Well sir, I hate to be a suspicious-allouicious on you, [switches to angry tone] but did you steal my air conditioner?!

[Scene shows Flanders' house with a hole torn out of the side in the window where his air conditioner used to be which leads to a fence that's been knocked over along with footprints in the dirt, leading to Homer's window where his air conditioner is]

Homer: Well, I admit it looks bad, Flanders, but haven't you heard of "let he who is without sin cast the first stone"? [gets hit on the head with a rock].

Todd: Got him, dad!

Marge: So, just when things looked their worst…

Grampa: I realized I could make money selling my medication to deadheads!

Marge: Grampa, what are you talking about?

Grampa: Uhhh … nothing.

[Bart meets Milhouse in kindergarten]

Milhouse: Uh, hi.

Bart: Hi.

Milhouse: I have soy milk. The doctor says the real kind could kill me.

Bart: I wish I was interesting like you.

[Bart is standing on a bench in front of a bunch of kids]

Bart: [fart noise] Doodie! [fart noise] Booger!

[the kids laugh]

Jimbo: That is killer material!

Bart: Skinner is a nut, he has a rubber butt!

Principal Skinner: Young man, I can assure you my posterior is nothing more than flesh, bone, and that metal plate i got in 'Nam. Now I want you to knock off that potty talk right now.

Bart: The principal said potty!

Principal Skinner: You listen to me, son. You've just started school, and the path you choose now may be the one you follow for the rest of your life. Now, what do you say?