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Archive for October, 2006

Almost 5 years. Five years of what, you might ask? Five years of being part of a community that has come to mean so much to me. On February 1, 2002, we conceived our little Bekah Boo. I found out on February 27…my 32nd birthday. I was so excited, and the first thing I did was go onto Parents Place at iVillage and find the October 2002 Expecting Club and introduce myself.

The board was so full of drama I almost left a few times, but I stuck it out. You put a couple hundred pregnant, hormonal women together, and there’s bound to be SOME drama. Oh the times we had…

We went through a rough time with people leaving because they hated the new board format that iVillage switched to in March 2003. I hated it too but I stuck it out as long as I could. Finally, when I saw that there was no way we were going to be able to maintain our wonderful core group, I went to ezboard and created the board there, and we’ve been together on it ever since.

I’ve had disagreements with some of the members, and I’ve cried with some of the members. I’ve met a very few of them and treasured the meeting. I’ve talked with quite a few on the phone. I’ve agonized and sympathized. And I was stunned at the outpouring of love and support, not to mention the PRAYERS, that I was blessed with when I was in the hospital for 45 days and battling cancer and fighting for my life. Knowing I had so many people praying for me and supporting me meant the world to me and I KNOW it helped me make it through.

I find myself thinking back to a time before I was pregnant with Bekah, before I found this wonderful community of ladies, and it just stuns me. I feel like we’ve been together forever…my best friends are on this board, though I doubt they realize I look at them that way.

God blessed me when He gave Bekah to me…and He blessed me when He helped me find my board.

Last night was a good night…I gave in and took a darvocet. Then I felt nauseated and was trying not to throw up, so I took a phenergen. A couple hours later I took another darvocet (I can have 2 every 6 hours). Finally around 11p.m. I lay down to try to sleep, and I slept all night. I woke up hurting, but the pain was alleviated for most of the night, and that’s a good thing. My doctor’s nurse was adamant yesterday that I should take the pills when I’m hurting, so that’s one reason I gave in.

I had to turn the heat on this morning…fall is finally here. We had a cold front move through last night. Personally I don’t need the heat, but Bekah does. I don’t want my baby getting sick. I like the cooler weather though. Its always such a relief.

Justin and his dad are picking up the tin for our porch roof this morning. I’m SO excited about having a real roof up there instead of a tarp. He’ll probably be working all today on getting it installed, but that’s ok. My porch will officially be FINISHED!!!

Today my “baby” turns 4 years old. Technically it’s about 7 hours from now, but who wants to be technical! I’m thrilled that she’s such a big girl, but sad too because she’s my last child. Still, she was a miracle to begin with, and we’ve been so blessed to have her.

We had her birthday party last night. There was a strong Dora theme…all but one of her presents was Dora of some sort lol. She had a Dora cake, Dora cups, plates and napkins, and Dora is sleeping in her bed with her right now.

Happy birthday Rebekah Karan…know that you are greatly loved by us all 🙂

Pain that is…I was doing better today, although woozy a lot when I got up this morning so I went back to bed until around 10:30 and the wooziness wasn’t nearly as bad when I got up then. I’ve taken it easy today, trying to make sure I don’t overdo it. I fixed the chicken and rice (for supper) at 3:30 and covered it and left it on the stove to put in later (it takes an hour and a half total cook time). At 4:30 I got up, went in, put the dish in the oven, and was about to fry up the bacon for the green beans when the pain hit me with a vengeance. I doubled over and hollered “OH” before I could stop myself, and Jared dropped his book and came running. I hate that I did that in front of him. He’s my kid, not my doctor or my servant, and I hate worrying him. Long story a tad bit shorter, HE fried up the bacon for me. All I did was add the green beans and water.

Still…supper is in progress and its ok for me to take it easy right now. I’ll get up in about 20 minutes and make the biscuits and put those in to bake when I take the tin foil off the chicken and rice. Then the family will be taken care of and I can rest easier. Thank goodness I planned an easy supper tonight!

I’m afraid I’m in a rut with my health. I was doing and feeling so much better, and all of September and October I’ve been in and out of hospitals and doctors’ offices. I THINK I’m better, but you couldn’t tell it by my symptoms. The worst is this chronic pain. I’ve heard of people having chronic pain, but never thought it’d happen to me. I’m not even sure if this is what’s wrong with me…all I know is that I hurt all the time and its REALLY affecting my moods. Try being bipolar and dealing with those issues and then have constant, nagging pain thrown in on top of that!

I want to wrestle with my kids again. I want to jump on the trampoline with them again. I want to PLAY with them. This isn’t just robbing me, its robbing my children and that pisses me off more than anything else.

I’m sick and tired of hurting. August was great, I was in no pain for a while. Now the pain is back and no one can explain why. My surgeon back in March told me that you could do a hundred needle biopsies and have them all come back negative and completely miss the cancer, so I’m feeling a little down about that as well.

My guts are all in the wrong place, as are the rest of my organs. My liver regrew weird and its caused everything to be pushed around and I actually have a partially collapsed right lung because of all of it. I guess that explains the shortness of breath.

People have commented on my cheerful, positive attitude through all of this. I’m not feeling so cheerful or positive today. I’m tired of the doctors getting EXCITED when they review my case, and then they proclaim me to be a “unique” case. I can see them mentally rubbing their hands together in glee because they get to experiment with something new.

I’m disgusted by it all, and even more so by my attitude today. I don’t like being this way…I feel mean and petty and that pisses me off even more. UGH.

Wow…its been almost a month since I blogged. A lot has happened…and yet not much has changed. I’ve been in and out of the hospitals in Hattiesburg and New Orleans, and I feel pretty despondent about a lot of it.

Good news…I had another liver biopsy and it was negative. Cancer is gone for good I hope and pray, but there’s always the chance of a recurrence, so I have to be vigilant.

I think I’m addicted to IV drugs. I’m not sure but I think I am. In the hospital I could have as much as I wanted (with time restraints of course) and I got all that I could. I have the same drugs here at home and I never touch them, but it really disturbs me how I hit the drugs in the hospital. I don’t want to have an addiction, but I know I have an addictive personality. My paternal grandmother was addicted to every pain killer she could get her hands on. That’s one reason I’ve always been hesitant to use pain killers. However lately I find myself hitting them every time I’m in the hospital. Maybe its because I’ve been in so much pain so often lately…I pray that’s the reason. I have hope because I HAVEN’T touched the pain killers that I have here at home. I keep the bottles where I see them every day…its almost like a badge of honor for me to see them constantly but not use them.