Mom Code: How Moms REALLY Want to Be Treated

Recently, I was at a coffee shop ordering my husband and myself some much needed fuel when one of my two year old twins took a bag of beans off the shelf and threw it on the ground. There was no mess, the gentleman behind me (clearly a dad) picked up the bag and put it back on the shelf, I thanked him and took said twin outside to wait with my husband while I finished ordering. After all was said and done and I was about to enjoy my much needed first sip, a woman approached me to tell me that I need to better supervise my children and that it was chaos in there. Now… I’m more than willing to play fair here IF my kids ARE out of control and I am not doing anything about it, but this was one of the most tame incidents in my career as a mom. Clearly, this woman was NOT a mother… as no mom would EVER break that kind of Mom Code! Furthermore, the dad in line behind me definitely understood Mom Code and should be applauded for his help and withholding of judgement. He GETS it! This got me thinking…now that I’m 9 1/2 years into motherhood, there are just certain things that go without saying… a mutual understanding… a Mom Code. Turning to other moms, Breezy Mama got some more MOM CODE tips… like my experience, I imagine most of these are aimed at the non-moms, but I can’t help but have a li’l sense of pride that in the sisterhood of moms, many of us abide by…

1. “If her eyes are dark and she smells like baby vomit, offer her a coffee … she probably hasn’t slept.” — Lynette, www.lynettelouise.com

3. “Admire the woman who proudly wears the cookie necklace and the toilet paper tiara. SHE is a true hero.” — Lynette, www.lynettelouise.com

4. “Always give a mom a warm smile, if the tables were turned you could be in her shoes.” — Deborah L. Mills, www.deborahjerome.com

5. “Never betray a mom’s trust when she has confided in you about issues with her children. Be that safe haven she can talk things out with.” –Tricia Meyer, Fishers, Indiana, www.helpingmomsconnect.com

6. “Never use your words to tear a mother down, she has enough on her plate without you adding to it.” — Deborah L. Mills, www.deborahjerome.com

7. “It’s okay [if she feels] like [she’d] like[her] kids to disappear for a few. Self care makes you a better mom and when you neglect your own needs and forget to nurture yourself, you are at danger of deeper levels of unhappiness.” — Vanessa Coppes, Marlboro, NJ, vcoppes.com

8.”Never ever assume you know what’s going on behind the scenes. Just because a mom is on her smartphone doesn’t mean she’s ignoring her child. Maybe she’s making funeral arrangements for a parent and she’s been stuck in the house for days trying to cope with losing someone and this is the first chance she’s had to get out of the house and take her child to the park.” — Natalie, www.APassionateParent.com

11. “Never tell a mom who is struggling with fertility, you can always adopt. Trust me, we know adoption is a great option. It’s very easy to say that, but until you are in the position of not being able to have a child of your own, you will never know the personal pain that can cause.” — Carly, moneycrashers.com

12. “Never ask a woman who clearly has twins if they are twins. What else would they be?” — Sandra, www.themediaconcierge.net

13. “Never give another mom unsolicited advice on how she should parent. Save it for your own kids.” — Sandra, www.themediaconcierge.net

14. “Just because she’s wearing comfy clothes and her hair is in a pony tail [do not assume] she hasn’t been working hard all day managing a business.” — Mandi Welbaum, www.momentswithmandi.com

15. “Never say never! Every time you say MY child will never be the child who is… (choose anything… going out with crazy/ tangled hair, using an iPad at a restaraunt, behaving that way at the grocery store…). As soon as you say that will never be me, chances are you will eat those words one day!” Megan, www.mamaseeds.com

19. “Never ask a breastfeeding woman to cover up or leave a public place (that would be against the law in 45 states and the District of Columbia).” –Anne, www.mamaseeds.com

20. “Never touch or kiss a stranger’s baby…especially if she is breastfeeding!” –Anne, www.mamaseeds.com

21. “Don’t judge another mom’s choices until you’ve chased her children for a mile in her shoes. Even then, maybe not.” –Anne, www.mamaseeds.com

22. “If a woman is obviously pregnant or has a baby, give her an enthusiastic congratulations! If it’s not obvious that she’s pregnant, don’t ask, it will save you both embarrassment.” — Aleisha, www.chocolateisnotbetterthansex.com

23. “Never judge another Mommy on her looks, if she looks rough, if she looks like she hasn’t showered, if she looks like she needs a Xanax….she probably does! Kids are rough and a Mom should automatically get a pass if she has marker on her pants or her hair is in a sloppy ponytail, she’s doing the best she can not to run away from home!” — Stephanie, www.bedrestconcierge.net

24. “Do not judge [when she] drops off the cookies that were clearly store bought, and not the extravagant cookies from the latest pin on Pinterest.” — Carrie, www.CincodeMami.com

25. “It’s okay to have a glass of wine. As moms, we can get stressed or so focused on everyone else. It’s okay to take a step back, pour yourself a glass of wine, and relax.” — Katie, www.abitofwine.com/

Comments

I think #8 resonated with me the most, and is generally true in life: “8.”Never ever assume you know what’s going on behind the scenes.” More often than not there’s a far tamer reason why someone behaved the way they did than might be obvious. End the judgment!!

I love all of these! #31 Really made me smile: ““If she cuts the meat for you in a public restaurant .. don’t point it out … just let her … sometimes its better to have habits than forethought.” – Lynette”

As a mom (all four of my boys are teenagers now!) I’ve learned to truly respect habits!! When we choose our habits intentionally, there’s room in our brains for more important stuff. If I cut your meat, it’s because my body’s on auto-pilot while my brain’s busy problem solving. Like wondering how to pay both the light bill AND order from the fundraiser!

I’d also like to add,”Always assume mom is doing the best she can, and feel free to offer assistance without feeling rejected if she says no. We mom’s don’t always know how to let others help us, but we always feel grateful when it’s offered with kindness!” ~Tsara