Monday, May 18, 2015

Endless Amounts of Everything

The last two years and four and a half months have all been leading up to this point right now; this time when I say, "I only have two weeks left here. I only have two weeks left doing this work." I think I'm in shock.

When I moved out to Andalucía (Southern Spain) at the very beginning of 2013, I probably knew I wasn't just going to stay for the five months I was coming over for/that remained in the school year. I could have guessed I'd reapply and try to stay at least another school year. And I could have guessed one thing would lead to another, and another, and another. Five months isn't really my ideal amount of time to spend in a place. I like to have a little more in order to feel assimilated and like I really am existing there. However, I'm almost certain I didn't expect myself to stay here for almost two and a half years. Ok, maybe, but I'd not have expected myself to stay in the same region/85 kilometer radius the whole time. I'm something of a nomad, and I like to migrate around. Although, I guess I did live two months in Mallora, and spend all the rest of my past summer months traveling. Hmm...

I don't think it's really hit me yet, that all this is "ending". Internally, I do sense and feel something. Something, the same thing, that I imagine Mary Poppins feels when her time somewhere is coming to an end. Kind of like, "My work here has been done, and it's time for me to move on. There are others out there that need my touch." This may seen egotistical and like I'm placing some great value on myself, and in a way, I actually am. I think we should. Our value on this planet is immeasurable, and I do believe that the love I feel towards people is pure and lovely, and meant to be shared and spread all around the world. So, you combine this desire to spread God's Love and Light, with my already seemingly-insatiable wanderlust, and you've got a gal who doesn't like to stay in one place for more than six-to-nine months. And yet, here I've been for 28+.

Simply beginning to think about where I was, where I am, and all that's happened in between brings tears to my eyes. Because while I don't necessarily feel I need or want more time here, I also am terribly sad to see it end. This chapter and portion of my life have been so important, so strong, and so major. The development I've experienced has been incredible, and to think of it all, is almost like I'm recalling some sort of distant dream. Which really, it all was just that at one point, a dream.

I've spent a lot of the last months living like it was never going to end, or perhaps too eager for it to finish. I have a tendency to be too-ready to get onto the next step, if I happen to know what it is. And now, I'm in the last two weeks of it all (Andalucía), thinking of all the moments that have passed, and all they've meant for my growth and life, unable to fully grasp this reality we've created, the one I've been living in. It's incredible.

When tears come to my eyes, they aren't so much from sadness as they are from gratitude. It has been such an honor to Be alive these last 28 months and experience all I have. My gratitude to God and all who've been involved knows absolutely no bounds. To think He has blessed me with the experience of living this life seems too much to comprehend. And to feel what I feel inside myself, especially about myself, still scares me, because it seems too good to be deserved. I've made so many destructive decisions over the years. I spent over a decade destroying myself and living like a wild child. I was so completely lost, so to think I've become the recipient of so many blessings is mind-blowing.

I am so grateful!!!!

These last years have meant everything to me, and I am so proud of everything I've done and become. I feel more ready than I could have imagined to step into the next chapter of my life, and so excited about the fact I'm finally allowing myself to accept, proclaim, and pursue some dreams I've been keeping buried beneath the surface. I have no fear of the future, no concern over what I'm going to do with my life remains, and all the mass of uncertainty that was controlling my every move before has dissolved away so much more than I could have asked it to. To some, this may seem like the adventure of a lifetime. The one you have, return "to reality" from, and then keep stashed away in the back box. The one you have that ends before you start to assimilate back into a societally-normal-ish life, and resume your place in the job-marriage-kids path we're all so accustomed to. But for me, it's only been the beginning. Of course it's been an adventure of a lifetime, but not THE adventure of my lifetime. I hope you're ready to join me on the adventure of my lifetime -- The Adventure of Fully Living Life All Over -- because that's where we're headed!

I've got two weeks left to mold some munchkin minds over here, then will be traveling for a month and a half before my short-term return to California. Then things are going to get really interesting, as I begin "planning" my open-ended adventure!

Thank you all so much, you who've supported me on this journey. From liking my Facebook posts and photos, to reading my blog, to sharing it's pages, to simply smiling when you think of or see me. It's all meant so much. Especially the prayers and encouragements. I ask that you continue to like, share, and spread this love I send out, and pray for me as I continue to realize my path in life and follow it. I've been working on my new website, so pretty soon we'll all have a new home, too! I love you all dearly, and pray that God be blessing you deeply!