Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Happy Birthday to Me

Yep, it's my 28th birthday today. I don't usually mention to people when it's my birthday. I don't like all the extra attention. Not at a restaurant. Not at church. Not anywhere. So, normally, I wouldn't even mention it on my blog (for fear of someone commenting a "Happy Birthday.") However, since this is MY blog, and therefore a bit of a journal for me, I will mention that it's my birthday.

Every year for the past 5 years, I have guaged my birthday on my accomplishments. Unfortunately, I would always forget that I have an amazing husband, I would forget about my great job, wonderful family and friends, and the fact that I live in America and am a member of our Church. There was really only one accomplishment I cared about, and that was being a mother. So, maybe that's why I never liked my birthday, because it was a cruel reminder that I couldn't have kids. And I hated that. Every year I would be sad for myself (if anyone threw me a party it would have been a Pity Party), and every year I would say, "Well, maybe I'll be a mom next year, or maybe I'll be pregnant next year, or maybe we'll have adopted by next year" It never was the case. The next year would come and I would be neither a mom nor pregnant. And it hurt.

I know it's not healthy to think that way, but when you're in misery you always find a way to be miserable.

Fast-forward to today. This morning, Megan greeted me with a huge smile, followed by a huge surprise in her diaper. I was happy. SO happy. This year when Jared asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I didn't have to say "a baby" like I've said every year in the past. This year the answer was "I don't want anything. I have everything I need." (but I must admit, I did ask for a new watch).

But, it's true. It is such a joy to be Megan's mother. If I never get any presents again from anyone at any time, that's fine with me. I already have the Best Gift.I love my little family, and my little happy family is really all I need. Megan is such a blessing and words cannot begin to express how much I love that little person. She is so precious and I treasure her more than anything, next to my husband. I used to shed a tear on my birthday for lack of motherhood; now I shed a tear of joy on my birthday in rejoicing of motherhood. It's everything I dreamed it would be and much, much more.

I do not take motherhood for granted. I cherish every moment, every cry, every smile, every diaper change. I'm not saying I'm perfect- because I'm far from it- however, if there is one thing I hope I am, it is that I am a good mother. It's all I ever wanted to be since I was a child, and now it is reality. I hope that Megan looks back on her life when she's an adult and knows how much her parents love her. I hope she knows how much energy and time and heartache and pain we went through to get her, and that we wanted her so badly. And that once we received her, she was worth it and it was love at first sight.

Megan is the the most gorgeous baby girl I have ever seen. She is so funny, so perfect, so sweet, so darling, so tiny, and so... mine.

I tend to forget that one's trial(s) comes easy for another. I remember when I found out I was pregnant how distraught I was. "How could this happen at THIS moment in time?" I suppose I never thanked my Father in Heaven for the pregnancy and healthy baby boy I was able to deliver. I hated every part of being pregnant. I hated that it was me when we weren't financially fit to take care of a little one. (That's the reason I was put up for adoption).

Not to say that I don't enjoy every smile, every giggle, every cry, or even changing explosive diapers. But, I do thank you for this post. I am SO glad you have Megan and a wonderful husband! (Jared is cool)!