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Why So Many People Just Can't Say No

One little syllable. Two tiny letters. Yet there are some people who would rather cross burning sand than utter that sound. Even for people who can say “no,” it doesn’t always come easily.

Our culture has given us memes and rituals that help us avoid having to utter that dreaded word. We have invented ways of suggesting that we might want to decline without having to look anyone in the eye and say “No.” If you stand back and watch it happen, you’ll be amazed at the number of socially acceptable, watered-down alternatives there are for that simple, one-syllable word. A friend of mine calls it “no-o-phobia.” It’s as if we think speaking those two letters is going to kill.

I’m in a Men’s Group. About a year ago we had some difficulty keeping our membership numbers at a satisfactory level so I asked a friend who works at a Social Service Agency whether she could recommend somebody. She had a colleague who she thought would be a good addition, so we invited him. He came to a sample meeting and the guys liked him. We invited him to join us but after two weeks there was no reply. So we asked him a second time, this time via phone message. Again, no response. The third invitation was sent by email. Again, nothing.

I asked my friend if she would talk to him at work and see what was going on. To her credit, she said “No.” She told me, “He’s already answered you. It’s a passive no. Don’t you remember what you taught me several years ago?”

Suddenly I remembered: She had come to me in a state of confusion. She had asked a friend for a favor but the woman didn’t say yes and wouldn’t say no. Despite repeated overtures, this woman just left my friend hanging. “Why is that?” she asked me in frustration. “Why won’t she give me an answer?”

At the time, I assumed the explanation was geographical. I suggested to my friend, “She already has given you a reply. It’s called a Canadian No.”

My friend looked puzzled. “What’s a Canadian No?,” she asked. And so I explained that Canadians don’t like to say “no.” That doesn’t make them more likely than Americans to say “yes.” It just means they are far less likely to look you in the eye and say “no.” It doesn’t seem to matter whether you’re face to face, talking to them on the phone, texting or emailing them—they are far more comfortable having your request die of old age than actually refusing it. They’ll leave it for you to figure out that whatever it was you wanted just ain’t gonna happen.

I’ve since learned I was wrong, in the sense that many Americans share this timidity as well. I have taken to calling it a “passive no” rather than limiting it to Canadians.

But the question remains why this passivity is so widespread. One benefit it provides is that everybody gets to save face and, most of all, everyone is saved from the dreaded “C word”—Conflict.

Some people–and I hope you’re one of them–find this whole business a bit puzzling, maybe even humorous. Why didn’t this woman just say “no” to my friend? Why didn’t this guy just say “no” to my group? What would it have taken for these people just to utter that dreaded syllable? What could have happened that would be so terrible? As Nancy Reagan and others have suggested (in an entirely different context), “Just Say No.”

But this is where you need to remind yourself that what’s terrifying for one person can be a walk in the park for somebody else. Admittedly, I have not quantified the effect. I have not examined, for example, whether this kind of passivity is more extreme in Canada vs. the States, or in my part of Ontario than in other regions. One of you can get some federal grant money and approach the topic systematically. But if you ask me to help you write the proposal, it’s a pretty safe bet I will smile, look you in the eyes, and give you a most un-passive, un-Canadian “No.”

Humor aside, the point is not to cast aspersions at an entire nation, but to cast aspersions at anyone from anywhere who chooses to remain passive when a bit of social honesty is called for – even if the expression of that honesty may lead to a few awkward moments. The easy way out is rarely the best way, and it is rarely something to be proud of. I’d go even further: When it becomes habitual, it is something to be ashamed of. And really, the problem transcends national or ethnic borders.

Few of us seek conflict, but it is hard to imagine a life without it. I disrespect the man who chose not to say “no” to our group. He avoided ruffling feathers, but at what cost? Personal integrity? Cowardice? Disrespect? Do those sound like admirable qualities? Sometimes “no” is the most honorable and respectful thing you can say to someone.

I'm female and I consider myself reasonably direct and honest. When I was younger I would date men, and after a first date I'd often get a request for a second date. Sometimes I would not want a second date. When I would politely turn down a request for a second date sometimes my dates would respond with anger, wrath and insults. I learned quickly to use the passive "no", by blocking emails, phone numbers or any other way of avoidance. Some of those male verbal responses were scary.

I have family members that will not take "no" for an answer. When one says "no" to them they simply repeat the same request using a different question. I can say "no" 20 times and they are still asking for the a favor and getting more upset in the process because they aren't getting the desired result.

So "no" isn't as easy as it looks. I much prefer using a direct verbal approach than any other method of refusal but when safety or sanity is at stake, other methods are acceptable.

Agreed! Not everyone is at the same level of emotional intelligence to handle hearing "no, thanks"

I've noticed a lot of people will agree to plans, then bail last minute by saying they are sick, tired, fell asleep, etc. All perfectly valid reasons to miss an event but when it happesn so often you have to wonder about people's real feelings towards you.

I would love to offer a polite and honest "Thank you for asking, but no" if I thought the response would be rational, but I have been burned hard enough times that I am more likely to go into self-protection mode. Charming, intelligent, scholarly people have let loose on me a few times with such venom and public humiliation over refusal to go along with some thing or other that I vowed I would NEVER leave myself open to that again. It's a tendency that I'll work on but for which I will not apologize, even if it is the work of the proverbial few bad apples. They were very, very bad apples. However, what I gave learned is that when I ask people for a favor or anything else, I always include an easy out for them should they wish to decline for any reason with the explicit understanding that there will be no harm, no foul, no hard feelings. If I want people to just say no, then I will make it easy for them, because there are a great number of people out there making it very hard. Thank you for a great article.

A subtle no would be responding to the e-mail or phone call with a phrase such as "I am kind of busy" or "maybe later". Not a direct no, instead an implied no due to excuse or putting off the request in hopes that the person will find someone else.

There are many cultures around the word who use indirect phrases to express concerns and many are more hesitant than Canadians. I know because I am a Canadian who has lived in many places around the world. Take the Japanese "Sumimasen, chotto..." whose literal translation means "excuse me, little" but within context means "excuse me, but your request is a little difficult" (aka. I can't/no).

No response is not being subtle, it is aggressive. The person is actively choosing to ignore the other person and worse than saying the two letters, it will undoubtedly result in negative feelings and future conflict. Isn't the point of a passive no, to prevent negativity and conflict?

You may consider a passive no to be rude. But others would consider excuse-making a lie. And to them even a "white lie" is far worse than a passive no could ever be. They'd much rather you just told them no outright.

It's all cultural, often dependent on what we're taught by our parents, and is very complex.

Several years ago, I had been dating a man for a couple of months when I asked a favor of him. My mother is disabled and needed my help moving some things. I asked him if he would help me, to which he said "sure" and got the address from me. When the day came to move my mother's things, he didn't show. I called him and he said he was caught in traffic just two exits from my mom's street. It was an early Saturday morning, so his excuse seemed unlikely, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. But when half an hour passed and he said he was still caught in traffic, I smelled a lie. I checked the traffic report and even drove to where he said the traffic jam was. Needless to say, there was no traffic jam. If he had just told me he couldn't help in the first place, I would have known to ask somebody else, and I wouldn't have been wasting my time calling and checking on him. I broke up with that lying game player. Nobody has time for that.

There could be many reasons for his not wanting to join your group. from boredom to not wanting exposure to others. he chose not to insult you and your group and save face with his coworker. sharing could equal losing his job perhaps?

The overuse of "sorry" as an introductory response is also weak. Most people are not sorry, they are just over-scheduled and self absorbed. With regard to the subject, volunteering one's time/energy is a function of what value the person or group doing the asking has to the person. It's human nature.

I had an acquaintance ask a huge favor of me recently. When I said no in the politest way possible, she became very upset. She called mutual friends and complained bitterly, claiming I'd only said no to be hurtful. She was able to get another woman, someone incapable of saying no, to do the favor for her and feel sorry for her at the same time. My trust in all of them has been shaken, and I wonder if I should just disappear from their little group entirely. I had no idea that saying No to an entirely unreasonable request opens you up to the judgments of others.

You have to be willing to pay the consequences of your NO. Whether it be on the job (could lead to job loss), or with unreasonable so called "friends" loss of relationships, to saying NO to spouses (could lead to loss of spouse).

On the other hand, going along to get along normally leave you stranded and also potentially resentful.

I would like to thank you for your response above. Yesterday I told someone no, but I didn't have the perfect phrase for why. What he was asking for was unreasonable, but I had not phrased it that way. I need to clarify with this person why his request was unreasonable and what would be reasonable. He's my boss's assistant, and it would have been a reasonable request if he had told me a day ahead of time. I now feel like I have the perfect term to capture my sentiment.

I believe that if the 'no' is a clear answer, why not? The article is talking about someone that didn't want to be part of a specific group AND didn't want to keep a relationship with any person in that group, which, imho, is fine. Not even Jesus made everyone 'follow his group', right?

I'm always saying no to people and using an argument like 'no, but let's keep talking so we can come up with something interesting' helps a lot... the person always feel like I'm not 'discarding' none of both: the person and the idea itself.

I think we basically do say no to each other all the time. It's just not a one answer "No.". It's a more watered down way to say no, so we don't hurt people's feelings. I don't see that as such a bad thing for the most part.

I'm totally honest with people I love and I'm close with. I'll tell them the real reason I don't want to do something. But when it comes to acquaintances, I don't think it's such a bad thing to give a watered down "no". What if my real reason for not wanting to hang out is quite personal and would be TMI to tell someone I just met, or what if the reason is because I like them but I don't like their friend who they've also invited. I think it'd be rude to tell them I don't like their friend. Now with a close friend I can explain why I don't feel like hanging out if so-in-so is there, and they'd probably understand.

It's much better to just say "It's not a good time for me right now, but please think of me next time!". And it would be true, I DO want to hang out with them next time. If I told them No, I like you but not your friend, I might never hear from them again because they'd get offended.

Just saying a one worded "No." is kind of weird. No one really does that except to young children. Like, Can I have a popsickle, daddy? "No."

But I do think the guy in the article who was invited to the male group could have gave an answer of "No, sorry I'm just too busy lately but thanks for the invite". Or "No thanks, I think it's a great group but just not for me".

Now if in the beginning before he ever went to the group he said "No thanks" that would be a perfectly good answer. No reason to give an explanation. But because he's already been to the group before, an explanation as to why he doesn't want to come back is a polite thing to do and is the norm in our culture.

I almost never say NO to anything. Most of all is because I don't want to get into a fight, or because I don't want the other person to feel mad or sad if I say no to a request.
Yes, there's the exception like if I'm in a unconfortable situation, I say no, or 'no, sorry....'

I believe I use the passive no a little to much, and I'm trying to change that.

This article concludes with a moral judgement that I don't find to be especially helpful.

Other reasons for avoiding NO could well be indecisiveness or confusion. We live in a complicated world and are inundated with information and well meaning but unrelenting taxes on our time. Most often, when I do the passive No described in the article (letting the request languish until dead) it is for this reason. Email is a great example of a communication system where it is easy to get in over your head and literally not have the time to respond properly. Often I don't reply because I would like to say yet but I don't think I can yet and I don't want to let the other party down saying yes and then flaking out. Instead I wait until I am sure, and say my answer. However, the queue of items in the "waiting to decide" basket means that some never get answered.

Now, you may say that I procrastinate. That is true. However, I think procrastination and avoiding NO is a commonplace annoyance of the modern world for a reason. The reason is not widespread moral degeneration, aka bad individuals. It is because we are all trying to cope with a lot of change, overwhelming interconnectedness and all of that.

I have known some people who are a lot better at navigating all this, who seem to be always clear in their answers, never procrastinating or ambivalent. But I don't find that that pattern corresponds with "good people." We all seem to have faults and weaknesses, and if it's not one thing it's often another.

That said, it would be nice if social standards and norms would emerge that would help us cope. Examples of how to say NO would be quite useful for those of us who end up being less direct than we might like to be.

Hi Hank,
I was disappointed in your article because it's titled "Why people dont say no" but you don't actually say why people dont say no, other than that they want to avoid conflict. I think they sometimes want recognition and approval and sometimes they suffer from F O M O (Fear of Missing Out) I was hoping to find more reasons why our complex psyche avoids the "no" word.

to Psychology
People don't say NO because they fear not just conflict, but rejection.

People wear a mask to protect them from their fear of rejection.
If they are rejected, It is the mask that gets rejected and not them.
They get to keep their false sense of security by not being rejected.
The problem with wearing a mask is that one can not be true to self.

Grandma's advice is to fear not and care enough about yourself to honor your word.