Thursday, May 16, 2013

This Just In: Close This Window FAST Unless You Want To See An Interview With Me!

Firstly, at 3:30pm today (that's my time, the time it is in New York City, and you can use that to extrapolate the equivalent time in whichever hick town you inhabit) Fat Cyclist is going to interview me:

I have zero confidence in my own computing abilities, but supposedly (or "supposably" as BSDN might say) the interview will appear in the magic box above. If it doesn't, or if it's all cut off or something, then just go watch it on Fat Cyclist's site instead. This whole thing is his brain child. Well, his brain and my publisher's brain.

Their brains like totally "did it" and this is what came out.

Also, by way of an apology, I follow a general rule of thumb of keeping this blog free from my visage, but sometimes I have to violate it because you have to do this sort of stuff when you have a book out. (Not that I don't like talking to Fat Cyclist--I do, very much--it's just that I don't like making people look at me.) Anyway, sorry.

Be there or be someplace else you'd rather be--though I guarantee it will be a thousand times more exciting than that graphic.

So let's see, what's going on in the world of velocipeding? Well, there's a Tour of California:

Yeah, I'm not following that, despite the incredulity expressed by commenters like this:

Blond, California Beach Blond said...Snob not following the Tour of California??? At the end of each stage two super fox California surfer chicks give the Ass Monkey of the day a kiss. What's not to like?May 16, 2013 at 9:51 AM
So wait, I'm supposed to sit through some stupid bike race just to watch a couple of women give some Fred-for-pay a kiss? You know, if you like to watch two "super foxes" double-team some mimbo they have this thing on the Internet called porn. Really, watching bike racing for the sex is like eating ten pounds of this just because you like the olives:

(I'm forming a band called Olive Loaf. Who wants to join? Our first gig is opening for the Flaming Douches at the Great GoogaMooga face-stuffing douchefest in Brooklyn, OR.)

I am, however, interested in the local human interest stories surrounding the Tour of California. For example, yesterday a reader sent me this notice, which was posted at Joe Mama's Coffee in Avila Beach:

I don't know what an "ass bike race" is, but I suppose I'd be pretty annoyed if one came to my town, too--though I'm not sure closing your store the day it is swamped with "rich people" is a particularly shrewd business decision.

I think the owner of Joe Mama may be the sort of person who eats an entire ham just for the olives.

Meanwhile, here in New York City, tomorrow is Bike To Work Day! Here's the official banner:

Though I'd have gone with this:

At first glance, you might think he's sweaty because he biked to work. Actually, though, what's happening is that his sexy co-worker promised him a "blowie" if he rode to work, and now he's cashing in.

My ideas are far too edgy for the stodgy world of bike advocacy.

Oh, here's the sexy co-worker:

See what I mean? Edgy.

Anyway, the do-gooders at Transportation Alternatives are turning themselves inside out to please you this year, at least according to the email I received:

One of those fueling stations (TA won't reveal which) will also feature a desk, where you can sit down on a swivel chair, put your hands behind your head, and enjoy your congratulatory Bike To Work Day "blowie."

Of course, those of you who don't get a "blowie" still need to be congratulated for the simple act of riding your bicycle to work, so there's also a party for you--in Brooklyn, naturally, because only people in Brooklyn ride bikes:

On Friday night, put your party shoes on for an after work bicycling celebration. You can find the big biking bash in DUMBO, under the archway of the Manhattan Bridge, starting at 6:30 pm. Here’s just some of the exciting line-up of activities at the Bike Home from Work Party, presented by Giro:

Pop-up shops, like Giro’s “New Road” apparel line and the Shinola bicycle collection

Rural 1st!I read it evenTop something.Tiller effect!I just helped 2 people go from bikeless to wanting to ride as much as possible / lent them racks / got them the right sized frame etc etc. Is there anything more satisfying? Well. yes.

So I was at the starbucks in Ipanema yesterday afternoon and told the coffee-lady my name was Mike Hunt, but she pronounced it as Maicon (which is a name here in Brasil), so I gave her a quick pronunciation lesson, she was a quick learner and needless to say the results were hilarious!

Blondie, I would be delighted to hand out the podium kisses at ToC, especially if the ass grabber himself podio'ed. Speaking of I don't understand why those girls never cop a feel while they're at it. Fuck me, I would!

I thought of your ultra magnificence as I read The God Delusion yesterday. The Great Lobs on high are called Esmerelda and Keith, two giant green lobsters who formed the earth with their might pincers. This is proof positive the great Lob on high is real!

I thought of your awesomeness yesterday as I read a book. forgive me for not cyclisting or reading your book at the time. But I must profess my devotion to Esmerelda and Keith the great green lobsters on high who formed the earth in their might pincers. It must be true because the great biologist/author Richard Dawkins mentioned them in his book. All butter the great lobs on high!!

First off, can I say that I've been nervous since BSNY moved to somewhere near my area (I live in Washington Heights)? When he was in BK, I didn't have to worry but now I worry about doing something ridiculous and seeing my back on this page. I never ride against traffic and don't shoal, but I inherited my mother's road rage even though I never learned how to drive a car. I'm a terrible jerk. I curse out people who ride on the sidewalk. I curse out cars. I coldly tell salmon to not even look me in the face. Sometimes, when I see old dudes on $3000 bikes I cut them off, because f--k 'em. So, BSNY, if you cross my path let me just say now that I'm sorry. About Bike to Work day. If they have the same people providing the free coffee as last year, color me psyched. I started cold brewing my own coffee thanks to their inspiration.

now that the weather is warm in flyover country, there are bunch of new folks trying out bike commuting. Most of them appear to be Serious Freds (there's a band name for you WCRM) and/or try-athletes trying to get in some training.

Cat 6 racing is rampant, and the increasing numbers recreational bikers, hikers, and joggers are making it dangerous on the road.

"I don't understand how geometry can be outdated. Even bicycle geometry. It's not like humans or mountains evolved any in the last ten years. I kind of want CJ reviews of my bikes' set up. He'd choke to death on his own vomit."

Do you understand that technology is constantly progressing; that humans are always trying to make stuff work better?

I imagine you can look at a Penny Farthing and a modern bike and see that "geometry" has evolved a shitload in 100 years despite mountains and people not changing.

Bicycle riders are inherently kooks: either married to tradition or experimental Graeme Obree types. In order for a new idea to take off you need some combination of:

someone that is smrt mechanically

AND

someone that knows how to ride bikes real good and make people swing from their nuts.

These two traits are usually at odds with one another.

Once you have a good idea, then you need:UCI fucktards to keep their euro noses out of it.Anacronyms and bold graphics.-cult of personality.

Better tires, suspension, brakes, wider bars, shorter stems, slacker head angles have dramatically changed the average rider's riding style, as well as the types of trails they ride. And within the last few, this has influence how riders are building and maintaining trail. The specialized stumpjumper is a good window into MTB evolution. Look at a 2013 SJ fsr EVO vs. a 2008 vs. 2003 vs. 98 vs 93 vs 88 vs 83 and the evolutionary trends are obvious.

It is obvious to anyone with a brain, that all of these CURRENT MTB improvements come directly from motorcycles. The shockers, the brakes, the tires, the wide bars, counter steering, yaw all the rest. And that the trends of the 90's: steep ass 71/73 bikes, long boner stems, narrow bars, seat much higher than bars, pinner tires all came from the technologically inbred world of ROADIES.

I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about. In conclusion, everyone hates roadies.

Overall, I like this bike. This bike says "I AM A FRED (in the traditional Fred sense), and I AM PROUD!

What's wrong with it:-bottle cage should be on down tube.

-needs fenders.

-bar bag AND a basket? Is the bike just too quiet with the fixed drivetrain and you wanted rattles?

-bars are fucked. Needs Grant Peterson Nitto Noodles and a polished quill stem. Plus decent cork or leather tape. I do not understand the appeal of creative handlebars. Don't you have other ways to express you individuality other than forcing yourself to ride with a limp wristed, knock elbowed passive passenger style?-chainring-needs salmon eagle ii's in the front.-You own bowling shoes. Are you a serious bowler? Or do you sport them ironically? THERE IS NO RIGHT ANSWER.-there's a bunch of little aesthetic details, but it's clear you don't care about stuff like that.

mikeweb,I'm no CJ, but I have to point out a couple of things that are just wrong with your bike. First, it's perpendicular. Bikes are supposed to be horizontal. You can't ride it that way, all the blood will rush to the back of your head and cause confusion. Plus, if you get any traction, you'll leave skid marks on the wall. I don't know about your wife, but mine would disapprove. Second, that American flag decal on the top tube looks permanent. Aren't you supposed to furl those things after dark?

Ok, first off, this bike can never be cool, as it is a Trek with a fancy paintjob. You would be better off with a trek painted trek, than this fakenger.That said, the paint job is cool, trek made a nice tig welded 4130 frame, and if you paid less than $400 for it, I approve.

I would put a Trek sticker on it, so other people know that you are aware that it's not a real bontrager.

I will start with what is right about the bike:-the suntour bar end shifters, if they were on a different bike.

What's wrong with the bike:

-obviously the bars and stem. I like that you have painted the stem, though. OWN THAT!

-drop bars / suspension fork / full knobs is a confused set up. Lose the fork, run a semi-slick in the back, it would be somewhat better.

-pedals. Why do you have decent offroad pedals on the Sheldon Brown bike but these crappy things on here?

DB, best of luck to you and yours. If you've got a few hours to spare, stop by Tonic Times Square sports bar, where I'm watching the Tour of Cali and enjoying a pint of Guiness.http://www.tonicbarnyc.com/index

No way am I riding to work tomorrow! I'm looking into my crystal ball, and I see way too many bowling ball commuter helments, hands-free smirkers, weeble-wobblers, and people who think they're fast who've never ridden more than 10 miles at a time but worry about what other people wear/ride. Plus, I am totally getting drunk after work.

I shall take the mountaineering bike to the "work", on the morrow. I shall be quite fancy, in my jeans of blue, and boots with toes of steel.But no helment. No. Never with a helment! Though I shall be taunted by freds of every stripe, resplendent in tight pants, upon crabon steeds, messenger baglets with laptops slung on their backs, as they speed past and hail me kudos for riding my bike on this auspicious day. i ride every day, bitches. But good for you.

Not on topic re: this post, but thought you might like to scrutinize the City of Moreland's latest bike rack solution here in Brunswick, Melbourne AUS. I suspect a David Byrne-esque number may have been a rather more prudent option https://www.dropbox.com/s/dvxi5s1xy5ccjhc/IMAG0672.jpg

With the proceeds from your new book, I propose you buy the video that is allegedly available of the Robs Fords smoking crack.The .gif you could make out of this alone would drive enough traffic back to your site to double your investment.

Thanks, CJ, I can only infer from you stopping after 2 bikes is because one of the other ones killed you.

Every single geometry change you mention actually dates from the 80s. True, we have bikes that can bomb rock gardens faster. If that's not the riding one does, then there's no point to buying that kind of bike.

OX Platinum is 4130? Chris King makes crap hubs? Good to know. I like flared drops. Replacing the Bontrager-specific fork would be a huge pain for no gain. The knobs are for traction on dirt trails. Anyone who cares knows that the obnoxious orange and blue Privateer was made in Madison. No one is being fooled. KB likes my bike.

Fenders came off the green bike because I live in California again. Bag and a basket - try it. No rattling, and you can carry a 12 pack. The bike came with Noodles. I didn't like them, especially off road. This stem and bar combo is never coming off this bike. PetersEn. I don't like the bowling shoes ironically; I like them for real.

Babble@1224: "Yeah, sure. Rub it in. If I HAD a job, you know damned well I would be riding to it." But with all the extra time for more cycling your great legs must be getting even greater tone wise. Plus, that extra morning time provides for getting in a romp with the man, provided he doesn't have to be out of the house at some ungodly hour.

Frilly@1249: Frilly if you and Nina would apply a Ménage à kiss I would push my ass to the top of the podium. Why don't podium foxes cop a feel? Because women are so shy I guess. Two weeks ago I was in a coffee shop and a woman I very casually know from group rides came over and said hi, etc, etc. She concluded our conversation by saying "So, are you going to fuck me or not?" I told her "your a great looking woman, but that can't happen"(I'm married; and yes, I do wear a ring). Her parting remark was "to bad for you, I give great head". I love the way women are so shy nowadays.

Beach Blond,I was on a group ride in the back and I told a girl I am a world class wheel sucker. She dropped back and I did too and she says, "If there is one thing I love to do its suck, and I am really, really good at it. YOU could not pry me off."

I am watching the ATOC and The Giro simultaneously because I have half a day off and it's raining. Tea Jay RapeVan Gardener is going for glory and turning himself inside out and pouring himself into the pedals and digging deep into his makeup bag full of excuses etc.

Yes, I am enjoying my morning hill climbs now that I get to ride the Cooper daily instead of the Amsterdam, and yes, even though the man does leave at an unGodly hour, there is more time for hanky panky. There are perks, and even without that position, I love my life. I'm just trying to figure out how to make this new lifestyle pay for itself.

And I would be happy to provide all of those less-than-shy girls out there tips on the ole deep throat, since there seems to be a resurgence of interest in the subject.

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!