The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn

Original Text

Modern Text

“Oh, yes, this is a wonderful govment, wonderful. Why, looky here. There
was a free nigger there from Ohio—a mulatter, most as white as a white man.
He had the whitest shirt on you ever see, too, and the shiniest hat; and
there ain’t a man in that town that’s got as fine clothes as what he had;
and he had a gold watch and chain, and a silver-headed cane—the awfulest old
gray-headed nabob in the State. And what do you think? They said he was a
p’fessor in a college, and could talk all kinds of languages, and knowed
everything. And that ain’t the wust. They said he could VOTE when he was at
home. Well, that let me out. Thinks I, what is the country a-coming to? It
was ’lection day, and I was just about to go and vote myself if I warn’t too
drunk to get there; but when they told me there was a State in this country
where they’d let that nigger vote, I drawed out. I says I’ll never vote
agin. Them’s the very words I said; they all heard me; and the country may
rot for all me—I’ll never vote agin as long as I live. And to see the cool
way of that nigger—why, he wouldn’t a give me the road if I hadn’t shoved
him out o’ the way. I says to the people, why ain’t this nigger put up at
auction and sold?—that’s what I want to know. And what do you reckon they
said? Why, they said he couldn’t be sold till he’d been in the State six
months, and he hadn’t been there that long yet. There, now—that’s a
specimen. They call that a govment that can’t sell a free nigger till he’s
been in the State six months. Here’s a govment that calls itself a govment,
and lets on to be a govment, and thinks it is a govment, and yet’s got to
set stock-still for six whole months before it can take a hold of a
prowling, thieving, infernal, white-shirted free nigger, and—”

“Oh yes, this government is wonderful, just wonderful. Just listen to
this: There was an elderly free n----- from Ohio who was the nicest looking
grey-haired man in the state. He was a mulatto who looked as white as any
white man. We wore the whitest shirt you’ve ever seen and the shiniest hat
too. He had a gold watch and chain and a silver-headed cane. There wasn’t a
man in town with clothes as fine as his. And do you know what they said
about him? They said he was a college professor, who could speak several
different languages and knew everything. But that isn’t the worst thing.
They said he could VOTE in his home state. Well that sure pissed me off.
What’s this country coming to, I asked myself. It was election day, and I
would have voted myself, if I hadn’t been too drunk to get to the polls. But
when they told me there was a state in this country where a n----- could
vote, I stopped dead in my tracks. I said I’d never vote again as long as I
live. Those are the very words I used—everyone heard it. The country can rot
for all I care. And to see the confident way that n----- acted! He wouldn’t
have even stepped aside had I shoved him out of my way. I asked everyone why
this n----- wasn’t being put up for auction and sold into slavery? And do
you know what they said? They said he could only be sold into slavery after
he’d been in the state for six months, and he hadn’t been here that long
yet. Can you believe it? That’s some kind of government that won’t even sell
a free n----- til he’s been in the state for six months. Here you’ve got a
government that calls itself a government and thinks it’s a government and
lets on like it’s a government, yet it refuses to act until six months have
passed before it can grab that sneaky, thieving, blasted white-shirted free
n-----—”

Pap was agoing on so he never noticed where his old limber legs was taking
him to, so he went head over heels over the tub of salt pork and barked both
shins, and the rest of his speech was all the hottest kind of
language—mostly hove at the nigger and the govment, though he give the tub
some, too, all along, here and there. He hopped around the cabin
considerable, first on one leg and then on the other, holding first one shin
and then the other one, and at last he let out with his left foot all of a
sudden and fetched the tub a rattling kick. But it warn’t good judgment,
because that was the boot that had a couple of his toes leaking out of the
front end of it; so now he raised a howl that fairly made a body’s hair
raise, and down he went in the dirt, and rolled there, and held his toes;
and the cussing he done then laid over anything he had ever done previous.
He said so his own self afterwards. He had heard old Sowberry Hagan in his
best days, and he said it laid over him, too; but I reckon that was sort of
piling it on, maybe.

Pap went on and on, paying no attention to where he was walking. Suddenly,
he fell head over heels over the tub of salted pork and scraped both shins.
Then he started cussing and swearing at n-----, the government, and a little
bit at the tub. He held his shins and hopped around the cabin, first on one
leg and then on the other, until he finally gave the tub a swift kick. But
that turned out to be a pretty dumb idea, because the foot he lashed out
with was the same one where his toes stuck out the front of the boot. He let
off a hair-raising howl, fell down in the dirt, and rolled around holding
his toes and cussing more ferociously than ever before. He even admitted it
later on. He said that he out-cussed even old Sowberry Hagan in his heydey.
But I imagine he was just exaggerating.

After supper pap took the jug, and said he had enough whisky there for two
drunks and one delirium tremens. That was always his word. I judged he would
be blind drunk in about an hour, and then I would steal the key, or saw
myself out, one or t’other. He drank and drank, and tumbled down on his
blankets by and by; but luck didn’t run my way. He didn’t go sound asleep,
but was uneasy. He groaned and moaned and thrashed around this way and that
for a long time. At last I got so sleepy I couldn’t keep my eyes open all I
could do, and so before I knowed what I was about I was sound asleep, and
the candle burning.

After supper pap took the jug of whisky and said he had enough to get
drunk twice and get the

delirium tremens once. That’s the word he always used. I figured in about an hour
he’d be so drunk he’d be blind. This would be my chance to either steal the
key or finish sawing the hole in the wall and crawl out. He drank and drank
and eventually tumbled down on to his blankets. But luck wasn’t with me,
since instead of falling sound asleep, he just rolled around uncomfortably.
He groaned and moaned and thrashed around for such a long time that I got
sleepy just waiting for him to sleep. Before I knew it, I’d fallen sound
asleep, and even left the candle burning.

I don’t know how long I was asleep, but all of a sudden there was an awful
scream and I was up. There was pap looking wild, and skipping around every
which way and yelling about snakes. He said they was crawling up his legs;
and then he would give a jump and scream, and say one had bit him on the
cheek—but I couldn’t see no snakes. He started and run round and round the
cabin, hollering “Take him off! take him off! he’s biting me on the neck!” I
never see a man look so wild in the eyes. Pretty soon he was all fagged out,
and fell down panting; then he rolled over and over wonderful fast, kicking
things every which way, and striking and grabbing at the air with his hands,
and screaming and saying there was devils a-hold of him. He wore out by and
by, and laid still a while, moaning. Then he laid stiller, and didn’t make a
sound. I could hear the owls and the wolves away off in the woods, and it
seemed terrible still. He was laying over by the corner. By and by he raised
up part way and listened, with his head to one side. He says, very
low:

I don’t know how long I slept, but I woke up when I suddenly heard this
awful scream. There was pap looking crazy, and jumping around everywhere. He
was yelling about snakes, saying they were crawling up his legs. He even
said one had bitten him on the cheek. I looked around, but I couldn’t see
any snakes. He ran around the cabin screaming, “Get him off! Get him off!
He’s biting me on the neck!” I never saw a man whose eyes looked so wild and
crazy. Pretty soon he’d exhausted himself and fell down panting. Then he
rolled around as fast as lightening, kicking things, punching, grabbing at
the air with his hands. He was screaming and saying that devils had gotten
ahold of him. Pretty soon he’d worn himself out, and lay still in the corner
of the cabin, moaning. Then he lay perfectly still and didn’t make a sound.
I could hear the owls and the wolves off in the distant woods, and
everything seemed incredibly still. Soon, though, he raised himself half way
up, cocked his head to one side as if listening, and said: