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This past weekend the South By Southwest (SXSW) festival came to a close, capping off almost two weeks of presentations, music, film, comedy and exhibits for the tens of thousands of people attending, not to mention the hundreds of small and large companies participating.

I wasn’t there. And next year, I don’t think I’ll be there either.

Is it because this festival is mainly for lovers of music, film and comedy? Hey – I like that stuff too. In fact I just recently purchased a box set of all of Journey’s albums. And I love Jack Lemmon. And Joan Rivers. I’m down with all that, yo?

The conference has a huge business side to it, with hundreds of presentations on non-arts topics like marketing, social media and business ethics. That’s something up my alley. And there are tons of established companies that participate, from AT&T to Chevrolet that, like me, have customers in the arts industries. The SXSW trade show attracted more than 30,000 attendees to it. A hugely popular part of the conference is called “Interactive” where thousands of tech people gather to discuss all the new trends. Clearly, there’s a good reason for a technology firm like mine to participate in this event. So why won’t I participate next year?

Well, for one thing…I’m just not cool enough.

For example, we sell Microsoft products. I know...they were also a sponsor at SXSW. But who are we kidding? Those guys are so...yesterday. Today’s tech guys only seem to care about things with an Apple logo on it. And also...shouldn’t our products be steeped in cloud technology, integrate deeply with Google and be accessed from a tablet? Can you believe that we’re selling such boring applications like accounting systems and customer relationship databases? Is it possible that some of our products still get installed on an....ugh....server and that users must...double ugh...have to run their programs using a desktop application instead of through a browser? Yes, I realize that Microsoft has a 95% share of the office application market and its server and networking software is the most popular, secure and reliable out there. But those kids at SXSW are only used to seeing Macbooks and iPads on the TV shows and movies they watch. It’s just too embarrassing for me to show up at a conference like SXSW with a Dell laptop. I’ll be laughed out of town!

Oh, I also have a Blackberry. I know, I know...that is so 2005. How can I possibly show my face at SXSW with this kind of device? My phone doesn’t even have a touchscreen. I can’t video chat from it. I don’t have any really cool apps installed on it. It just does boring things like email, calendar and contact management in a very secure and fast way. Oh, it makes and receives phone calls too, functions which I realize are passé in this age of text messaging and tweeting. Tech firms like mine need to be on the cutting edge, right? We need to be using the latest, jazziest stuff out there to prove to the show’s large contingent of hipsters that we’re part of their world. I don’t have a cool tablet device or even an up to date smart phone. Let’s face it: a Blackberry is just not going to cut it at SXSW this year or next.

I’m way behind on social media too. To really fit in at SXSW you need to master the skill of walking, talking and using your smartphone all at the same time. You need to download the show’s custom mobile app (which, to my surprise, can be used on a Blackberry) to find events and keep up with the schedule. You need to have a Ph.D in Twitter to take advantage of all the free food and other promos offered throughout the conference. You’ve got to be connected to foursquare and Gowalla to find out where the really cool parties are. One blogger wrote about all the foursquare “flash mobs” that appeared throughout the time he was there. You’re kidding, right? A flash mob at a tech conference? Whatever happened to good ‘ol 411 directory assistance?

And there are other reasons why I just wouldn’t fit in at SXSW. For starters, I’m not impressed that Ashton Kutcher was seen walking the floor. I’m seemingly in the vast minority of people who think that those energy drinks may…just may…be unhealthy in the long run. (But don’t tell that to the two main sponsors of SXSW who make energy drinks). As noted before, my musical tastes range from Journey to Susan Boyle so I’m thinking I’m not going to appreciate many of the acts there. I’ve never seen an episode of “Vampire Diaries.”” I sometimes ride a bike, but never a skateboard. I wasn’t even smart enough to figure out that SXSW stood for “South By Southwest.” Someone had to explain that to me. And how obnoxious is it to schedule a conference in the middle of March? Don’t these people know that corporate taxes are due on the 15th?