What’s up Portland! I’m back! I had some friends in town, you see. Things happened, the things, they got fucking out of control and I am doing like, a cleanse now. A detox. Mental, physical, emotional. I’m usually a real loner, you see. A lone wolf, howling at the mooooonnnnn!!!! So folks up in my grill for a week is tough on ol’ VK. We did it though. Success!

Me, after realizing I'd have visitors for a week in my tiny apartment. I'm a jerk.

We even saw The Queers at Geno’s on Saturday. Were you there? I had this amazing exchange with delightful human being and all-around great hair-haver Brittany, who works there:

Me: “Who even is this crowd? I don’t recognize a single person and they’re super mellow for a punk show.”

Brittany: “They’re old punks. They take care of themselves.”

They take care of themselves. I’ve never seen a crowd of persons that hammered acting that chill. It just goes to show you just never know, do you. You just never know.

Anyway, I’m excited to be back because this weekend is I guess going to be cool and fun, or something. Just because I’m a dried up prune of a human who is drinking green smoothies and apple cider vinegar for a week doesn’t mean I can’t have some fun too, eh. I mean what the SHIT, man, let’s DO SOME STUFF this weekend, Portland, I mean I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages! You never call anymore! Come on, let’s go!

Friday, October 2

Well so first, a little shameless self-promotion. Portlandiers, you may not know this about me, but I too am an artist. A sandwich artist at Subway! JOKES though I do know how to make a killer sandwich. Anyway, no for real though, I make tiny sculptures of body parts and demons and nature spirits and seafaring creatures and other types of little evil thingies out of polymer clay, which – in not entirely unrelated news - is the best clay to make things out of.

Let’s get personal for a minute. You see, just like you, I put my bra on one boob at a time, and also I was birthed from a ladyperson who was super cool and basically my bestie. She totally got me and she was funny and weird and tough as nails and compassionate and I relied on her for many things. In 2012, she died and it sucked balls so hard. OH MAN DID IT SUCK. It still sucks. Has your closest parent or parental figure died? Then you get it. I mean, it will happen to all of us, it was just my turn at bat, right, but I also feel like I was too young. Every time someone in their 50’s is like, “oh, just going off to spend the weekend with my parents, la dee da” I get this pang of jealously like HISSSSSSS WHY NOT ME. Anyway, prior to her death I was really running on the corporate hamster wheel. I made a ton of money and worked 70 hour weeks and spent zero time doing anything for myself and it was a job that didn’t just creep into my personal life, but sort of busted through the door into my personal life like Kramer from Seinfeld and it put its feet up on the couch and felt just fine rifling through my fridge for snacks and I was acting like a horrible person and it wasn’t me. I didn’t feel right.

"Good morning! It's 7am on your only day off in two weeks and your P&L was 3 cents off, get your ass up and get to work 30 minutes ago, JOY IS NOT FOR YOU.

So then she died and I watched it happen and it was super surreal like living in another dimension and then I went back to the job and had this very defining moment at the workplace which is a story I’ll tell you in person some time, but then after that moment I said fuck it and quit that job and got happy and poor. I took a bunch of time off and learned how to be broke and comfortable with that, and I decided that life is just too fucking short to waste it not doing the things you need to do to make yourself happy, and that living up to other people’s demands is exhausting. I had all these FEELINGS you see, and I needed a way to get them out of my head. When I was a young hippie I had enjoyed making those little hippie beads out of polymer clay so that I could be the most sartorially accomplished hippie with floor seats at MSG, so one day after spending a few weeks in bed I just got up and went to the art store, bought some polymer clay and started just making shit. At first they were demons because the acute phase of mourning is like being possessed. You look in the mirror and you’re like, who the fuck are you? What are you doing with yourself? It’s like someone else is in control.

But then other ideas came and then my first true love SeepeopleS psychically knew I needed a hand and called me up to the stage and their album inspired me in a different way to make different things and then I moved here to Portland and started going to the beach a lot and then seabeasts started happening so whatever, I’ve just been making things. I call those things, collectively, The Museum of Hideous Augury. It’s sort of a museum meets scientific specimen collection meets occult show, the whole thing is based out of a place of spooky magickal realism and I combine the sculptures with words and found objects and sigils and I’d really like for you to come and see it because it kind of completes the cycle of mourning. To just be like BLURGGHHHHHH HERE IT IS WORLD. I’ve set my little museum up in Geno’s Rock Club and the show officially “opens” this Friday at the artwalk, from 5-8pm. It’s up the whole month of October. If you're a sensitive person or have an interest in the occult or mythology this show might resonate with you. I don’t know why you’d find that interesting, but if you do, or even if you don’t, fuck it, it’s free, asshole. And there are snacks. I go to your shows all the time. What the shit.

Anyway, so here’s what you’re really going to do on Friday night, categorized by personality types so you fancy nimrods don’t get confused:

For the Thrifty Bitch:

Four bands! Three Bucks! Wow! is how The Nuclear Bootz, The Gamma Goochies, The Tsunamibots (from Vermont) and Thee Icepick describe their upcoming show at Mathew’s tonight. It’s too cold for the rooftop deck (is it?), so I’m guessing they’ll be playing inside downstairs. This show is basically Portland’s favorite genre (punk) at Portland’s oldest bar (Mathew’s) with Portland’s favorite ticket price (almost free at $3). Thee Icepicks wear on stage what appear to be either Mexican wrestling masks or ski masks or ski masks made to look like Mexican wrestling masks. That sounds fun but it also sounds like a recipe for face sweat. Men of Thee Icepick, do you sweat a lot from your face when you play shows? This and other mysteries to be unlocked at Mathew’s this Friday.

Naragansett, the beer that I don’t know how to spell (I copy/pasted that shit) but that I do enjoy drinking on occasion because I don’t feel like I ate an entire loaf of bread after drinking it is sponsoring a show that has the greatest show title for people who like both Highlander sequels and “emo” or “emotional” music - Emo Night II: The Saddening featuresThe Restless Atlantic (great band name) and Tickle me emo (punny but meh band name), as well as members ofDustin Saucier and The Sad Bastards andArms Against A Sea playing together as the titular band, The Saddening.

This time around, Emo Night will be all covers. ACT OF TERRORISM, you cry, shaking your fist at the starlit night sky! Sure, yes. We all know my policy. BUT… but. Fearless leader Dustin Saucier is planning on incorporating originals from the bands going forward, and the collaborative local spirit of the event feels nicer than, say, a touring Phish cover band or some shit. Plus, all of the local musicians playing will have their own original bands’ merch set up at the show, so if you hear something you like, you can try on their real stuff. AND they plan on having the house music that plays between sets be all local bands too. Sometimes, as they say, a spoonful of sugar, grumble grumble grumble you kids get off my lawn or whatever.

For the Cooler-Than-You Cat:

The Endless Jags are opening for Rough Francis at Space with some other touring acts. The Jags are sort of Portland’s premiere straight of-the-moment indie rock band and they have the mustaches and thick rimmed glasses to prove it, y’all. So, get your super trendy crocheted shorts on and let’s do this.

For the DJ Dudes:

Mosart212 and 32 French are at Thirsty Pig for First Friday. These two wildly talented DJs do shit that’s different, and that is as real as it gets. 5-7pm, free. Have a sausage salad or some shit while you’re there, woncha?

For the Detective Dames:

Empire has “TBA EVENT” listed for Friday night. Are they trolling us or… what is this? It’s not like Empire not to have a pristine calendar for the month so I don’t get it I mean why not just not have an event? Anyway, anyone brave enough to go and pay money for TBA EVENT to find out what it is and report back from the front lines? You will be rewarded handsomely with, uh… an email from me saying thank you? Still poor, I can’t do anything for you. Good luck, intrepid EVENT-goers! Also unclear: what is going on at Geno’s tonight. I mean after my art show/First Friday shit. It may be something. It may be nothing! We don’t know! I’m sure one of you will stumble in there and find out at some point. This is why we have a comment section.

Saturday, October 3

For the Practical Punk:

Pop Punk band Ray’s Occult is a part of Upstart Fest at Geno’s this Saturday night. If punk is your thing, you’ll probably be at this show, it’s mostly traveling acts but Ray’s plays near the beginning of the thing so go early if you want to go local. Incidentally, Ray’s Occult’s promo photo looks like a screen shot from the last two minutes of The Blair Witch Project. Yikes.

And once more off into dbasement we goooooooo!!! Butcher Boy is playing the sticky fluid-encrusted bowels of our favorite DIY space along with fellow Portlandiers All Night, who are ex-members of Conifer and Ocean. There are a handful of touring acts on this bill too. This is actually a pretty compelling bill and a neat show put together by Last Mercy Emissions. This is the experimental stuff, don’t take your bro boyfriend or your basic girlfriend to this show, they’ll run away crying and then break up with you and then who will bring you your pumpkin spice latte that you so secretly cherish? NOBODY THAT’S WHO YOU BIG DUM DUM.

For the Hungry Hippo:

Big Ass Rooster plays at Salvage with Spencer Albee as a guest. It says that they are returning. Where did they go, were they gone somewhere? I suspect they were right under our noses all along, just not making music. You know, like selfish jerks. But that’s all behind us now because apparently they’re back. So brush that chip off your shoulder and go eat some meat.

For the Mysterious Millenial:

Worried Well, Vaughn, Dixon Pendejo Trash and Tall Horse are playing a free show at Flask Lounge. I think this is a pretty neat lineup, as we all know I love Nicholas Rier’s voice (he’s in Vaughn) and Worried Well has some neat tunes, I reviewed their record “Great Appetite, Poor Taste” in Dispatch last month, did you read it? Tall Horse is indie folk and Dixon Pendejo Trash – whose name I love because it has the word trash in it and whose name I hate because unless one of them are South American or Spanish the word pendejo feels like the equivalent of me, a decidedly white person of Eastern European descent, getting kanji that means “love” or some shit tattooed on my lower back. Whatever, anyway, I like a show where you can just dip in and out for some different stuff, and this is that show. Holla.

You, at Flask later tonight.

For the Naughty Night Owl:

Having too good of a time dancing at the Snakehole Lounge and don't want to go home yet Community Center A Space for Grace is hosting an after hours party from 11pm to 3pm at their space on Marginal way. Featuring music from DJ's Jamie O' Sullivan, Slammin Salmon, Dave Bregol. They are calling it Fear and Loathing in Portland which just to me sort of sounds like it's a drug den of epic proportions, but I suspect it is nothing of the sort, given that this space hosts children's events and whatnot. Someone go to this and tell me about it, it's too late for me, I need my prune rest.

Ok fellow citizens, remember all the rules: be kind, tip your hospitality workers and never drink and drive. Let's kick off October, the spookiest of all the months, with a little bit of DRAAAAAMMMMAAAAA!!!!!