Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Wicked Games

People sometimes wonder about my wife and I, what she's doing with me, what with her being so beautiful and me looking like a tanner version of the Philsbury Doughboy. The fact of the matter is, we get along so famously because we're incredibly childish and we do extremely silly things that can induce vomitting by people with weaker constitutions. I decided to list some of the games a while ago, but since I've had babies up to my neck, I haven't had the chance to do so. But here it is...

You Know What?

One of the oldest games in our history. For unknown reasons, it became a game even though it started off innocently enough. I would say, "You know what? I love you." Then it became that when I said, "You know what?" and she asked, "What?" I would say "I love you" and I would win. So, the trick was not to say "What?" when that question was asked. We became so aware of the game that we had to resort to trickery and layering of conversations to catch the other saying, "What." I would pretend to be injured to throw her off guard, I would do it in the middle of a fight, and once when I got her to say "What?", she actually pushed me into traffic. This game is pretty much non-existent now, because we just avoid using that phrase. But once in a while, we still get each other.

Vehicular Manslaughter

Probably not the safest game in the world, but my wife and I would physically abuse each other when we're driving. I'm usually driving, so I would pinch/smack/grope/molest/tickle/harass my wife, and she would get back at me by doing the same. Since she's to my right, and she exacts her revenge on my right foot, which is also my gas/brake foot, sometimes we flirt with death by playing around. Fun!

If I Had a Million Dollars...

We found this Barenaked Ladies song long after its initial release, and just fell in love with its sweetness and simplicity. So, we would emulate by switching lyrics like this...

Me: If I had a million dollars...
Wife: If I had a million dollars...Me: I would buy you a chicken...
Wife: A big fat juicy chicken, oh yeah...

Now the 3rd and 4th line are the fun lines, because we get to make up what we're going to buy each other. The receipient gets to glorify the gift some more by emphasizing the value or appearance of the gift like so...

Wife: I would buy you some crack...
Me: Some pure addictive snow-white co-caine!

Stuff like that. We would do this for far too long, and then not play it for a while.

Friends

This game was more fun when it was still on the air, but during the opening theme song, there would be clapping. The rules were similar to the "I love you" game, whereby we would have to get each other or the other would be a loser. We'd pretend to not notice, or run in from the other room, to slap each other on the thigh with the theme song.

"Well, no one told me it was going to be this way..."

Slap. Slap. Slap. Slap.

Noodle

Mostly my wife's sick game. She used to say that I was in a coma and try to revive me with an imaginary noodle. Then it became a true game when I would purse my lips to receive a noodle. But if my lips were normal, I didn't want a noodle. So she had to feed me the noodle at the right time. Most times she was just poking my lips because she did it so quickly.

Killer Koala

Watching an America's Funniest Home Videos clip, there was a koala at the zoo who was at one point nonchalant, looking at the camera and being Koala-ish. Then the little Aussie would bare his teeth and claws, and leapt towards the camera. So I would pretend to be the koala, just sitting around, scratching my face, chewing some curd... and then I would growl and leap at her without warning. It's actually kinda fun, even though you know it's coming.

Ghost Hand

Sometimes I would pretend that my hand's separated from myself, and it would hover, limply, as if possessed by a ghost, and it would drift towards my wife's face. This freaks her out. I laugh my evil laugh. Sometimes I get my comeuppance when she smacks me upside the head.