I can't believe this happened to me.... *triggering*

When I was with my abuser, someone that I cared for deeply and loved... he kept insisting that we have anal sex... I kept telling him no but after months of him bugging me too I finally agreed to it. Not sure why and I feel so stupid that I agreed to it, but I ended up telling him that I'll try it with him. He promised that he would be gentle with me and he would stop if I told him that it starting to hurt. As it began it went very slow and it didn't hurt as badly, however after awhile the pace started picking up. I was really nervous but it kept on going, finally it started to turn really rough and it hurt, I told him that it was starting to hurt but he didn't listen. As I screamed from the pain that I was feeling, he covered my mouth with one of his hands, pinned me on the bed and kept going on..... the whole time I was screaming and just wanting it to end. Anytime I tried to move, I couldn't cause his weight completely held me down. When it finally ended, he rolled off of me and acted if nothing happened at all. Even I was in a state of shock and didn't say anything. Even if I wanted to say anything, I felt like I couldn't cause if I said anything to him about what just happened, I was afraid that he would yell at me or start abusing me. He was always verbal & emotionally abusive towards me and it scared me whenever he started.

Since this day, I still try to convince myself that it didn't happen or perhaps that it was my fault since I told him that it was okay... I feel horrible about myself and sometimes I hate even waking up in the morning. Today I woke up feeling very numb and I don't even feel alive, I keep dragging my feet, looking at the ground and not wanting to talk. Last night I was really angry and started ranting about things. After awhile I noticed how angry I felt inside. Believe that it's due to the rape but I'm not entirely sure. Finally came up the topic of when I was raped and my mother didn't say much other than how I simply need to go on with my life.....now I'm kinda hoping and wishing that I won't wake up anymore. Now I'm back to self blaming myself and feeling like the abuse was completely all my fault. Starting to feel like a total burden to everyone and how many people would probably wish that I'd stop coming around completely all together. I can't even make friends with people due to the self esteem I have and how I'm always so paranoid about people wanting to hurt me or abandon me. Not even sure why I'm posting this up but I figured I should just get this off of my chest before it eats me whole. Right now I feel so numb and lost in this world, I can't even remember the last time anything made me happy.... :blue:

Hi hun, none of this was your fault. Is there a rape crisis centre in your area? If, so that could ease and take away the immense pain and trauma you are going through. I'd suggest sitting down your mum and explaining in detail why you cannot move on from this and that you need her support. I'd highly recommend psychotherapy. I got it for something that traumatized me and now I'm over it and moving on with my life. My heart goes out to you pet. If you need a friend,I am here xoxox

I vehemently disagree, with all due respect. Talking to your mom/dad about an abusive (and graphic) experience takes a huge toll on you if emotionally unprepared. It would take months/years of work to be comfortable doing such things. Its like coming out of the closet, but 100x times more difficult) I think psychotherapy is the only step to take. Once therapy has taken its course, your doctor will help you disclose your past to loved ones.

It's not your fault. The other person was the perpetrator and he needs to be reported. You need to speak to someone straight away about this. The emotional turmoil is doing you no good and this will affect your well being. Please do not worry as I say you are not at fault.

Oh, dear.. This not a good relationship its not your fault at all! I don't understand people who can do such awfull act to other. He knew he was hurting you and kept on going. I really hope you get out this. It could tear you apart.
Big hug <3