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October 21st 2013. Wow time passes fast, I remember staring my first essay during the summer around 4 months ago, and thinking that I wouldn’t be like the average procrastinating senior, that I would get things done. Yet, even now just about 8 days before the final application is due and I’m here writing a blog post rather than continuing my essays and adding activities and stuff sigh. Well, I’m here to say that now I can finally feel that everything will go well. There’s been many ups and downs and times where I just want to quit and just go to a community college. Talking about yourself and summarizing your life for an application is so unreal, it’s very daunting and sometimes I stop to do other things just to stay sane. Just to forget about who I am and what I do and just do nothing. Spend some time away, talk to random strangers. I hear that we, as humans, sleep to forget a bunch of the junk that we see during the day. It is obviously not important what the label on a pen that you are using (mine says smart investing @ the library), and during our sleep our brain stops firing so often, and really only the important things stick. Maybe procrastinating is just a way of doing this, why I don’t go to sleep instead I do not know. I’ve become more and more nocturnal, or just not sleeping much I guess. Its weird that I have so much energy in the day considering since the start of freshmen year I’ve lost about an hour of sleep every grade advance, and yet I am still spending a lot of time procrastinating rather than doing work ugh. I guess I want to say its normal, and don’t worry and everything will be fine, and sure hope that’s true, heck if I don’t even believe it how can it ever come true? Well ultimately, its starting to get to crunch time, time to tighten every essay and go HAM, just man-mode the essay and go full on productive 100%. And that’s where we as students thrive, its amazing how much work can be done in just a week, a day, or even sometimes in the magic of a mere hour.

Just a little short post on random thoughts before I go to sleep at night. Then again I always wrote these just before I sleep. Hmm, Its odd, I thought I had changed, but maybe not as much as I had thought. Doing stuff like hc boys dance is hard work, I can’t believe I could get sore from just dance practice wtf. I guess I’m still the same shy, reclusive guy shutting a lot of people out. I wonder how other people see me. if I could have any power I would want to be able to live other peoples lives, just for a day, or maybe even an hour and see how other people view things, and more importantly how others view me. I think too much, always pushing scenarios in my head and interpreting peoples actions in the wrong way, maybe this makes me act all weird and then cause them to actually act the way that I thought they would act. Darn I thought I was a lot more open to things, maybe I am, maybe I’m just being too critical on myself as always but iono life is confusing, I’ve never really had anything that I really wanted to do all my life, and nothing in my past seems to stand out for me as challenging or difficult. It just becomes the past, writing college essays, hmm if only I could remember things, or make simple things sound awesome. But I am actually a bit glad because of these college essays. Why else would I even try to start a blog to get my thoughts sorted out, or even reflect for hours and hours thinking of random prompts in my life to write about and analyze their significance?

Wow. I did not think that it would be so hard to blog every day, Even when I’m just writing very casually with no edits or any review. Heck, I ignore punctuation and grammar half the time just bsing it as I go along. I always think that doing something every day is simple. But when I think about it the only things that I really do every day are going to sleep, waking up, taking a shower (almost every day at least), brushing my teeth. Heck I don’t even put on my retainers or floss everyday. Even things that I bring out don’t always include the usual: keys, phones, wallets, and much more are often left at home forgotten. I really only bring my backpack and glasses out, if those even count because I consider them basically as part of my outfit like clothes are. What is consistent though I can say for certain are my shoes. I wear one type of shoes for everything, except for badminton, and until those shoes are so battered that the soles have more empty space then there is rubber, and my sock is sticking out do I put on that new pair of shoes.

inside my head, my mouth has stopped working, simply clamped by the weight of these words. Wow, having such caring parents can really be a pain in the rear. I feel like I can never make a mistake, never explore, never take a step for myself.

I always feel like I’m fighting inside I can almost hear a conversation between myself.

“You know your mom only cares about you right?”

“Yeah but why can’t she respect my own independence. It feels like I’m being treated like a kid all the time its so irritating, I feel like the only thing I can really do to let me grow up on my own is to block her out.”

“You can’t just shut your parents out of your lives you know?”

“What else can I do? I’m feel locked in a cell right now, I know I should just suck it up and let this go by because this is the last year I will be living here, but still I want to learn on my own, and stand by myself without the help of others.”

People always tell me to plan my future, or plan it for me. I know that this is important, but it is so hard for me to do this. Maybe my resistance is a result of some part of my childhood. My parents always tried to plan my day around with a schedule whenever they had to leave and left me and my brother home. It was so annoying and I often hated the restraints, but then I guess I was also to blame because on days where I was left home I would not get much work done. I guess this extends from my Productivity post. It is so weird because I know that i have many problems, and despite trying to fix it in my brain I never really have anything that I really do to combat it. I don’t like feeling constricted, but I notice that take life day to day is not always as interesting or productive as I hope it to be. But now, as I spiral off to college and while I am trying to plan out my life and my next four years, and my resistance to looking long-term only adds to the giant task of college applications.

I started this blog yesterday, but I had forgotten about it and accidentally went to sleep without saving it LOL. W.e I guess that sort of made my point. I am not very productive and I am VERY forgetful. Ugh I know I should be doing so many things and to do each one individually and not to multitask but I can never focus on something unless it is super urgent. I procrastinate so much since the time crunch allows me to focus and really without it no matter what happens I can not really focus 100% on anything. There is an exception to this and that is having me isolated from things like my computer and my phone. But even then, if the task is daunting enough I find myself doing simply nothing for the longest time.

I wish I found a more productive hobby than manga, youtubeing, 9gaging, LoL, fb, and etc. I always wonder why I can’t simply do things like coding or working or even just studying without being bored so fast. But then again even my hobbies eventually bore me. I guess I just want some change. I want something amazing to happen in my life that will change everything. Somehow I don’t mind that it will take up time, because I simply waste time anyways. But, whenever I come across something like that that are like random fluctuations in my life, I often talk myself out of it, not even reasoning or anything, but given enough time to think and make the decision I always opt out. I guess I was guided by others for so long not allowed to make my own choices that when time came for me to make even simple choices like what I wanted to eat, I was almost unable to come up with anything. I wish I had the room to make more choices and mistakes. I hate how everything has to be perfect the first time around for me, and although my parents are forgiving in regard to this, they continually bring the past back again and again, its so irritating. Some days I just feel like I’m done, or fed up with everything and I just want to sit down somewhere and quit. Take a break from life. I guess my own real escape is playing games because I can beat others at it. Its nice to know that you are good at what you do and games really help because they give nice feedback for every tiny little thing that you do. Its really encouraging, maybe that’s why so many asians are “addicted” to games and also why they are so good hmm food for thought.

Well, this is my first attempt at starting a blog. Don’t know what to expect. I’m currently a senior applying to colleges, and one book I read told me to just have an exercise in writing unrelated to anything without any regard to grammar, punctuation, or spelling. I guess getting this stuff right is still important to me. Putting periods where they should go, drilled into me in the many years of our education. But it is nice, to simply write just to write, and not for some silly grade that I will never care about again.

Part of this will be some sort of journal I guess, but I don’t want to go too personal. I kind of wanted this to mark a change in me, or a desire for change. Growing up, and leaving home, wow that is big bigger than I can ever imagine, but before I know it it’ll probably blow over and I’ll be some adult working in the massive world. I don’t ever plan on writing my name down or anything, people who know my tag should know who I am and what I do. Hopefully those people will never find out about this blog haha. Its interesting how easy it is to type words out on a screen instead of telling someone about it. I don’t know why I’ve always been attached to the computer. The safety of anonymity it gives me almost like a mask that I can wear to do what I want.

I know I’m rambling a lot but I guess this sort of reflects who I am. Sometimes I feel my brain works on its own and leaves me behind. My body can never keep up with the productivity. Maybe that’s why I’m lazy, I always kind of know what to do and what I should do but I never do it. I always end up doing whatever comes my way. Well, pretty much sums it up for today, its pretty late for my standards. I honestly do not know what I was thinking when I thought starting something like this would help, but we’ll see. We will see…