How to React when Your Partner Comes Out As Asexual

Asexuality is one of the most misunderstood sexualities, even by the LGBTQ+ community. People who don't have a sexual attraction to any sex or gender generally identify as asexual. Learning that your partner is asexual after you've been dating for a while will come to you as a shock. However, if you take a step back and think about how much you care for them, you can bring yourself to react with support and work with them to navigate your next steps as a couple.

Research what asexuality is. You can do this either through your partner or through other methods on your own time.

If your partner has come out to you as asexual, they clearly want you to understand them; there are lots of variations on the asexuality spectrum! For example, some asexuals are sex repulsed, some never experience sexual attraction, some rarely experience sexual attraction (grey-sexual), and some will experience sexual attraction only when they have a very close relationship with someone (demi-sexual).

AVEN has a great Q&A for people who know someone is asexual.

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Know the difference between asexuality and aromanticism. Many people don't know that sexuality and romanticism can be separate, meaning you can be sexually attracted to something and still be romantically attracted to something else. Because your partner is asexual, it means they don't experience sexual attraction. That doesn't mean that they don't love you or they don't want to date you.

Your partner most likely would have already told you if they were aromantic, as most aromantic people want a completely different kind of relationship as alloromantics (people who experience romantic attraction)!

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Don't assume that your partner is trying to break up with you! They are sharing an intimate detail about themselves that has most likely been ridiculed before. Lots of asexuals have had negative feedback after coming out, so it takes a lot of courage and trust- in you.

Don't assume that your partner just doesn't find you attractive.

Don't assume that it's "just a phase." Asexuals are often told that they "just haven't met the right person" or that they're simply prudes. Keep in mind that your partner may have received negative responses to coming out in the past.

Do not think that there is something wrong with your partner. They have never experienced anything different; this is how they are. Do not tell them to go to a doctor about their sexuality. They have most likely been told how there is something wrong with them enough!

Talk to your partner. They can explain what they want and what they don't want. While asexual people do not experience sexual attraction, this does not always mean they don't want to have sex! They may not want to have sex with you, or they will be willing to have sex because they like you to experience pleasure, even if it isn't their preferred activity.

Sit down and have a conversation and talk about what you both want. It's important that you know where each other's limits are, and that, as partners you understand each other.

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Decide if being with an asexual person will make you unhappy. This means accepting what is attractive to you, not breaking up due to being uncomfortable without sex.

This also means that even though you are thinking about what is attractive to you, that you are thinking about whether a relationship without sex (if that is how your partner has told you it will be) is really a relationship to you.

You need to ask yourself whether a romantic connection is less important than a sexual connection. This is the sort of thing you need to think about by yourself, and also talk other with your partner.

If you need time to think it over, you can ask for a break so that you can understand the situation more in depth. Although remember, asking for a break can come off as you wanting to break up with your partner!

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Avoid hating your partner for not desiring sex. Be gentle, coming out as asexual is coming out, nonetheless. It took a lot of courage for them to come out to you about something they knew would be compromising to your relationship. Commend them for their bravery and respect their sexuality and feelings.

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After examining the issue to the point where you feel comfortable making a decision, do one of the following:

Decide to continue the relationship, without sexual interactions.

Decide to continue the relationship, with sexual interactions with yourself, if it's comfortable with your partner.

Decide to continue the relationship, compromising with sexual interactions.

Decide to end the relationship.

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In the end, it's up to you. Whatever you do, do not make your partner feel bad for being asexual. Accept them and make them know that you love them still. If you break up, stay friends and support them. Being asexual, or even part of the LGBTQ+ community, can be difficult for anyone, and they need someone they can trust.

Accept who they are and explain that you still care for them.

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It is impossible to determine the reason based on your question alone; it would take a lot of talking about emotions and thoughts, experiences and feelings. Remember that everybody is the most important person in their own lives, so whatever changed, it is very likely to be a change in her and it probably has less to do with you. Feel free to ask her these things yourself. Let her know you have something you'd like to talk about, or bring it up gently.

Please keep in mind that there should be more important things in a relationship than sex. However, if sex is important to you, you should talk to your partner. Many asexual people are fine with their partners pursuing sex outside of the relationship.