I used to think I was tough. I hiked the Inca Trail to Machu Picchu with way too many pounds of gear on my back. I once went four years without eating sugar or white flour (long story). One semester in college, I worked 30 to 40 hours a week on the school paper and still passed my classes. In short, I had done some fairly difficult stuff without making a lot of fuss.

And then I had my second child, and it almost broke me. Going from one to two kids was the most challenging experience of my life. So when I recently got this e-mail from a friend, I had to respond.

To: (large group of folks with two or more kids)
Subject: 2 versus 1

How much harder is having 2 kids rather than 1? (No, I’m not pregnant!) On your exhaustion level, marriage, “me” time, patience, money, social life, etc. Seriously. Be honest!

I replied:

To be totally honest, it is just hellishly hard for the first year. Or at least, was for me. Exponentially harder. Think of all those breaks you get with a baby where you’re like “oh thank God, she’s sleeping” — and then imagine that there will be another child to care for during those times. And there will be many, many moments when they are both screaming, crying, and needing things. Sleep deprivation is harder the second time around. Your older child will be more needy, just when you need her to understand that Mommy’s busy nursing the baby.

I know my health, sanity, looks, friendships, and relationship took a huge hit. Finances, too. But I can say now that Lulu is almost 1.5 that I am SO glad we did it. We love Lulu just as much as P, and they love each other. More love in general, and what wouldn’t we all give for that?

xoxoxox M

I’m not sure whether I overdid it and scared her socks off, or didn’t paint an honest-enough picture. I haven’t gotten a response. What do you think?

P.S. I just heard back from my friend. She says: Thanks so much for your insight. I think the responses I’ve gotten are what I sort of knew already but it’s great to get affirmation.

57 Responses to Having another baby almost broke me

Well, we’re getting ready to try for our second one and you succeded in scaring the socks off me! The love bit at the end did help though and I kind of came to that conclusion myself anyway, so no worries

Annasays:

February 15, 2011 at 8:19 am

For me, the second one was way easier especially before the baby started walking, but maybe because my kids are almost 6 years apart. In terms of overdoing it, well, your friend did want an honest response. This is as honest as it gets:) It is tougher with two though.

Sarasays:

February 15, 2011 at 8:26 am

And THIS is why we are one and done. We know our limits!

Marcella Gatessays:

February 15, 2011 at 2:30 pm

I recently heard a saying I love: Having limits is not a character defect! In other words, there’s nothing wrong with knowing your limits and sticking to them.

Katiesays:

February 15, 2011 at 8:34 am

ok, I’m 20 weeks with number 2, and the first almost did me in. Now you’ve got me scared for what is now inevitable… I can only hope that I’m better prepared mentally this time (got some good councilling to deal with some prebaby problems).

Marcella Gatessays:

February 15, 2011 at 2:28 pm

Don’t be too scared! If I could do it over, I would want more realistic expectations about how hard it would be, and I would have been easier on myself. I really expected to still be able to do it all — and do it all well. That just isn’t possible these days.

Chrissays:

February 15, 2011 at 8:35 am

I think it is an accurate description of the harder stuff. But you also laugh twice as much, cuddle twice as much and everything in between. My second was so tough. I swear she came out screaming – and didn’t stop for the first six months unless she was nursing(she REFUSED a bottle)or asleep. But here I am almost three years later and we are trying for our third anyway. I think the timing matters. Our first two are closer in age, just under 2 years apart. So they were both kind of babies together in some ways. Now they will both be fairly independent when I (hopefully soon) have a baby to nurse and diaper again.

Jennifersays:

February 15, 2011 at 8:46 am

What’s the age difference between your children, Marcella?

Marcella Gatessays:

February 15, 2011 at 2:25 pm

They are 2 and 3/4 years apart (so almost 3 years). I wanted them to be close enough to play together, but any closer together may have killed me.

Sarahsays:

February 15, 2011 at 8:48 am

Although I agree with a lot of what you said–I could never get through to my son that some of the things he did to get my attention acutally made it more difficult for me to give him my attention, some things were easier for me with the second baby. I was a much more confident mom and didn’t worry so much about little things. I felt like I knew what I was doing. We also had our son in part-time daycare while I was off work to maintain some of the same schedule with our older child–which I know everyone can’t do–but that helped a lot in the first few weeks. Also, I had a lot of trouble initially nursing my first and was able to do it more easily with my second. In fact, I learned how to do it while playing with my first. It does get much easier once they are older and can play together though.

beth2009says:

February 15, 2011 at 8:48 am

I agree Sara. One and done here too! One extremely challenging baby was enough for me. I barely survived our first year with just one.

Elizabeth Holdensays:

February 15, 2011 at 8:48 am

I think that spacing influences how hard it is. Mine are four years apart and I thought that the second was easier than the first. I was more relaxed and knew what to expect and my oldest was ready to be more independent and was actually able to help.

Nataliesays:

February 15, 2011 at 8:52 am

When we brought our baby home 8 months ago, all of a sudden it hit me, how do people have more than one?!?!? Doing the newborn thing with a baby or toddler around, I just can’t imagine how you handle. My husband and I have always wanted 2, and we still plan on having another, but we know that now is definitely not the time. Birth control has become infinitely more important now than it ever was before.

Katrinasays:

February 15, 2011 at 9:12 am

My two boys are 20 months apart, and I couldn’t agree more. The first year was so so hard. Now they are 4 & 5-1/2, the bickering and fighting is the worst part, but it’s more than made up for with the laughter and love.

Cindysays:

February 15, 2011 at 9:12 am

I had three boys, three and a half years between each, by the time the youngest was reaching his 3rd b-day, I had spent 10 consecutive years without sleep, and changing diapers. They were also the best years of my life! All of the extra hugs, bed time stories, smiles, “I Love you Mommy” it was great and VERY easy compared to when they get older and they all need rides at different times to different places. I miss it so much that I am now 13 weeks along with my fourth!!!

Billie K.says:

February 15, 2011 at 9:17 am

We have started working on our second. My first is so high-maintenace and active, I figured what are the odds of another like that!?!? We are crazy about our daughter but she is a handful, so I’m looking at the positive: experience and future playmates. Not ever having a sister I would love my daughter to have that experience, so the only way is having another one…and the maybe having another and another…family is great! You can’t have just one as hard is it may be. They grow so fast…

I would want the same degree of honesty if I were seeking opinions. You are a good friend for putting it out there!

Carolyn Robertsonsays:

February 15, 2011 at 9:25 am

I’m also in the middle of this right now – #2 is 9 months old. Holy hell it’s hard. Part of it is probably that we were in a good groove with the one we had – sleeping again, socializing again, getting that work/life balance down. Now all of that’s out the window. I think it’s been hardest on my relationships – with my husband, with my friends (I hope they’re still my friends when I emerge from this baby haze!).

But last night Amelia was busy crawling after Mads in circles around the kitchen, both of them shrieking and laughing. At those moments it’s not so terrible.

For me the reality of two creeped up, slowly, then pounced. I was actually patting myself on the back, before my second daughter could crawl, for how seamlessly we seemed to be handling two. “We’re going this,” I thought. “No problem.”
Then, from the moment that kid learned she didn’t have to stay where I put her, my perspective, and my life, changed, irreversibly.

Tarasays:

February 15, 2011 at 9:59 am

My first 2 are two years and 4 months apart, and it would not have been too bad had I not been working nights (worked 6-11, but by the time I got home and unwound I was getting to bed around 2 am and getting up around 7. Having baby #3 just 2 years after that was much more demanding. It did not help that my middle one is special needs and was closer to a year old developmentally when #3 was born, but even now that they are 8, 6, and 4, certain things are difficult (like shuffling them all to church and getting them to their appropriate classes on my own.)

My two are 18-months-apart and it was, indeed, exponentially more difficult. Now that they’re 6 and 7, it’s beyond wonderful. When people ask me about having two, or more specifically, having two closely-spaced I always tell them, “There are times that’s it’s really really really hard, but the older they get, the easier it is.” If I had to do it all over again, I would have had a third (and maybe fourth) in the same spacing. At the time I didn’t think I was tough enough. Now I realize the really gritty times were short-lived.

Jessicasays:

February 15, 2011 at 10:25 am

Well, as someone who is 35 weeks along with number 6, I can say that once you figure out number 3, the rest are smooth sailing! It’s hard work having two, and it’s even harder adding number 3. You have to get used to the fact that you don’t have enough hands to hold them all when they’re crying at the same time, or when you go to the grocery store. You no longer fit at a normal restaurant table (the world is designed for a 4 person family!) And you also face the overwhelming reality that you really are outnumbered in the kid to parent ratio. But once you get used to those things, the next kid(s) are quite simple. You just add them in to the daily schedule and routine.

And, yes, the love in return is totally worth it! We are looking at upgrading to a 12 passenger van to give everyone a little space and to have room to pack luggage when we travel. Bedrooms are getting more and more shared (as is my closet which currently contains a crib and a 16 month old!) And we wouldn’t trade this life for anything!

Jennifersays:

February 15, 2011 at 10:40 am

When I got pregnant with #2, I expected things to be harder for the reasons you mentioned. How do I deal with 2 kids who need my attention at the same time?! Surprisingly, it’s relatively easy for me though. DD just fit right in our routine (or our un-routine). It helps that DS is 4 years old and understands that mommy is nursing baby or baby needs a diaper. He even helps me with diapering, clothing, etc.
The hardest thing was the feelings I had when I was pregnant. Nothing prepared me for that. I wanted another baby SO, SO, SO bad! I was happy for one day after my BFP and then I got scared and started doubting our decision to have another baby. How in the world would baby fit in our family? I felt like DS, SO, and I had this secret club that everyone envied. It was the 3 of us and we were perfect. What was I thinking bringing in a complete stranger!!! Our secret little club would be ruined! I was so torn because I knew if something happened I would be devastated, but I also know I wouldn’t try for another baby again. Now that DD is here, I realize our secret club accomodates 4 just as nicely. DS LOVES DD and we couldn’t be happier.

MamaBearsays:

February 15, 2011 at 11:07 am

Ahhh the thought of two is so scary. Jennifer you hit the nail on the head with those “feelings”…and I’m not even pregnant. My husband and I want another child, especially now that we’re settled and the little one is five, and independent- BUT it’s scary

i love having 2 and definitely want a third! I think life changed, but like someone else said I felt more confident in what i was doing. i didn’t have problems breast feeding #2 like #1 and it was just easier. i think what made it easier was getting them onto the same sleep schedule. for the first few weeks when the little one was sleeping whenever and the older one was on a schedule it was hard. the days they slept at the same time was awesome! the extra love, cuddles, laughter, hugs, smiles, kisses…is totally worth it!! I love it! (my kids are 2 years apart)

EBGsays:

February 15, 2011 at 11:45 am

Sounds totally honest, and very familiar, to me. You’ve described my experience with #2 perfectly, without overstating it at all. The baby is 8.5 months now, and things have just started turning around for us since the holidays. At least we’re on the upswing now, and I know the hellish first months will have been worth it!

Erinnsays:

February 15, 2011 at 12:10 pm

When I was 8 weeks pregnant my husband and I found out we were expecting twins. Wow! As first time parents we didn’t know what to expect. Ruby and Jack are now 7 months old, and saying the first few months of life were difficult would be an understatement!! There are days where I feel like I am going to pass out due to frustration, but you push through it. It is hard…being a parent is hard whether you have one or more children. The love that they produce is irreplaceable. I would say accept the reality that it will be difficult. In the end, it is beyond worth it!

R.says:

February 15, 2011 at 12:17 pm

Having two children is about 10 times more difficult for me than having one. The work does not double. It increases exponentially. Having to divide myself is the hardest. My whole self is split now: physically, emotionally, psychologically. They say having a child is like having your heart walk around outside your chest. Now imagine having your heart and soul walking around. It’s just really, really hard. For me. Combine that with severe post partum depression, and the past year has been sheer hell. Thank God for good doctors and therapists.

Lydiasays:

February 15, 2011 at 12:42 pm

God, I can’t even read all the comments. I just don’t want to hear about how hard it’s going to be. I have a son who will be 2 1/2 when #2 AND #3 arrive. Yep, twins. And just having a #2 is enough to break one’s spirit. Sigh.

Kristinasays:

February 15, 2011 at 12:58 pm

Going from one to two kids is something I will never know about, seeing as I went from one to three! However, even in my case, there is something to be sad for having more confidence as a mom the second time around. I had such fears and self-doubt the first time that it would have certainly become full-fledged PPD if I’d had twins the first time instead of the second time.

Jenni D.says:

February 15, 2011 at 1:00 pm

Mine are 22 months apart. My 1st born a son was a dream baby, my 2nd born a daughter had colic for 6 months! I feel like we didn’t even get to learn who she really was until after her colic was gone and we could see her without her poor little belly hurting. So I totally agree that the 1st year was pretty hard, but now that they are 4 and 2 I LOVE having 2 kids. They are best friends, so silly, sometimes stressful but so totally worth it! But there’s no way I’ll intentionally have any more! hahaha

Heathersays:

February 15, 2011 at 1:11 pm

For me I actually think it was way easier to adjust to a second child than it was to adjust to having the first one. I agree with some of the other comments that said it may have to do with the spacing though. My two are 5 years apart. By the time my son was born my daughter was largely self sufficient, and actually a REALLY big help with the baby. As far as exhaustion level though, I’m just beat ALL the time! Some of it is because my son, now 2, is a terrible sleeper and has been since day 1. And then there’s the fact that me time is pretty much non-existent. Kids/family come first, so I make sure their needs are met, plus try to do some quality time with them both together and individually so they both know that they are important, then comes all of my other responsibilities, full time job, housework, meal planning, grocery shopping, etc., then “us” time, or marriage time, extended family (grandparent’s, etc.), and the thing that gets left out to make time for everything else is any sort of me time. But I’m okay with that, they grow so fast and before I know it they won’t want to spend any time with me and I’ll be wishing for my babies to be around to take up my time! I do feel that I do better on patience the second time around, I’ve just learned not to stress out so much over every little thing. I think your response was honest, which is exactly what your friend asked for. You did a good job putting it out there that it’s a lot of work, and that there are days that they are both crying and you just want to curl up in the corner and whimper…oh wait, is that just me? Anyway, you let her know that it can be exhausting, but that it’s all so totally worth it in the end.

Angiesays:

February 15, 2011 at 1:12 pm

I totally agree going from 1 to 2 is a hard transition – it’s hard going from focusing on only 1 child and pouring all your love and time into them to then dividing you time up on 2 children. I will say that going from 2 to 3 (and 15 months apart) was much easier! I don’t know if having them close together – my first 2 were 2 1/2 years apart made it easier or if already having multiples made it easier.

I will say this if you want more then one child – do it! There’s nothing worse then waking up one day regretting not having more.

And yes – no matter what the pro’s always out weight the con’s.

Jasminesays:

February 15, 2011 at 1:15 pm

I am 25 years of age and I am a mother of 3. my son turned 3 in January, my daughter is due to turn 2 in May and my baby boy is turning 1 in June and I got one due in July. Am I crazy, maybe a little. Yes you do get a lot of breaks with just the one. It’s a little harder with the second one. My first born sleeped the day away and when my daughter came along we were lucky if she sleeped twice a day for 20 mins. Then she started sleeping all night and it was great b4 we knew it we were pregnant again. ooh no. But the delivery was easy and the i was used to my chaos life and had gotten good at time management. When my youngest was sleeping all night and had developed a routine number 4 is on the way but like one comment posted, after number 3 the rest is easy. i’m used to chaos but as soon as 8:00 pm hits they’re in bed. routine is key. number 2 child and any after have to follow the routine of number 1 child. nap time and night time to regain any sanity. don’t worry about laundry or dishes, pick-up any thing off the floor and leave it to the next day and just breathe. take your breaks where you can, sleep, take a bath but i couldn’t have done any of this ( no pun intended) without my spouse. not just making the babies, LOL! but the help. my hubby can and will do all the stuff that i do because he wants a nice home for out kids just as much as I do, it’s like a tag team. Help each other out but don’t forget to make time just for the 2 of you, because remember that’s how it all started!

tinasays:

February 15, 2011 at 1:37 pm

gosh… having two kids is not that hard. just remember it is okay for one to cry while you tend to the other. there is enough love to go around. and two is easier than three… but after the third whose counting? take it from a mommy of four about to be a mommy of five…

Sarasays:

February 15, 2011 at 1:53 pm

That is a perfectly honest opinion, and a good one! Going from 1 to 2 is very hard!! And only after you have more than one child do oyu realize how easy one was It is not something you want to pull the wool over peoples eyes for. It is hard, it is frighening, it is crazy! But like you said, it is the best feeling ever! I also found after 2, #3 was easy, lol, especially since all 3 of mine were all born within 46 months of each other! My oldest is turning 6 in a month, and we are well into potty training #3…this summer we’ll have 3 kids, no diapers. I cannot wait!!!

Jennifersays:

February 15, 2011 at 2:17 pm

Wait, did I send that email out? I’ve been tempted to post the query on facebook but I know that would only buy me trouble. I cannot get clear about this myself and I’ll be 39 in two seconds. When I ask my partner if we should have a second he says, alternately, “No, my back couldn’t take it” and “Sure, there would just be that much more love to go around.” It’s the love part that gets me. But I still don’t know. And from your friend, your friendships didn’t take a hit. We’re all still here!! xo

Jakabooboosays:

February 15, 2011 at 2:42 pm

I think that you are absolutely right. My #2 is 18 months and she’s very, very demanding. She can be doing absolutely fine with her dad, but the second she hears my voice she starts crying for me. I spend every minute either holding her or trying to pry her off my leg as she cries. I hope she grows out of this soon…

GGsays:

February 15, 2011 at 2:45 pm

Thanks for the posts. R states it perfectly – you are emotionally, psychologically and physically spent. I completely agree. My daughters are 22 months apart, with the older one just having turned 3. But it is the most wonderful thing to watch the two of them giggle and play together, and I can’t imagine having it any other way.

montanaannasays:

February 15, 2011 at 3:10 pm

#1 – She always wanted to be held & I was living off of cold cuts and easy to make sandwiches because I was afraid to cook while holding her (terrified of accidently splashing something hot). Then she grew so fast & started dressing & pottying be herself. #2 came along – WHAT A CHANGE! Cooking was no longer an issue with the 2nd one – I was a much more confident mom & much more skilled doing EVERYTHING single-handed. I missed sleeping the most & quiet time (chatter is now non-stop). “You’ll just have to wait” I would frequently say to my oldest, forcing her to stay her impatient desires while I took care of baby brother. Now they are 5 and 3 & I love watching them interact. They have a bond that only siblings have. Bonus: #1 actively assists in the teaching and care of her younger brother (she loves to entice him to eat his veggies!)

Ashley Fsays:

February 15, 2011 at 3:45 pm

Thank you for this! My daughters are two and three months. I’m still sleep deprived constantly, but I think some of that is because of my low iron level that I can’t get back to normal. I don’t ave the patience I need to deal with a toddler full-time, yet I’m a stay-at-home mom that only has the time she’s asleep at night away from her. I’m just thankful that my baby is very calm most of the time (my first had horriible colic) but it’s still worse emotionally and physically than I originally thought. My toddler and I don’t get along very well (she tests me and I have no patience) but we all love each other very much. Things are calming down a little more and Daddy’s home more for now so I have some help. We were planning on waiting another year or two, but we had a wonderful little suprise. We wouldn’t change it for anything.

Mtpearsonsays:

February 15, 2011 at 4:58 pm

Well Steven n I have 5 plus one on the way. Everyone is such a joy. 9…7…6….5….3… And I’m 12 weeks prego. We both work full time. No support from the government. It’s hard at times but always worth it. I think were gonna stop at 6 though. We can’t afford a bigger house lol. I would have it any other way. The more the merrier!

My daughter was 4 when my twins were born. It was hard (twins aside) in that yes, there was a lot of sleep deprivation, as with any new born and the times when you would get to sleep, you so have the first to take care of. But, I agree, it’s the first year that was rough, then it got a lot easier.

My suggestion is lower your expectations in terms of what you expect from yourself – cleaning, cooking, showering (ha ha). If you don’t put so much pressure on yourself, it’s so much easier. Line up help for the first leg of the journey if you can. Cook and freeze meals ahead of time. Take time to enjoy your older child in all her “babyness” because once that newborn comes, your “baby” seems SO BIG. And remember to take care of yourself. A relaxed mom makes a happy family. (gee, sometimes I need to remind myself of that now). And also, you are a seasoned pro – you can do it. And as everyone else says, all that extra love from littles does cancel out the noise levels and rough times.

Momof4says:

February 15, 2011 at 6:56 pm

Personally I think going from 1 – 2 was the hardest. 2-3 & 3-4 was very easy… I think it is because we go from being selfish beings thinking only of our mate and ourselves, then we struggle to adjust to selfless life by adding another to the mix. We anticipate that struggle with so much anxiety that it isn’t until much later that we realize that it could have been a bit easier based on hindsight. You turn to an “old pro” when 3 or 4 or more come along, with 1 your lost, 2 your trying to make up mistakes from the first and well after that you just give up and go with the flow.

My husband and I want to wait a long time to have another baby. We had our first 8 months ago, and we would like to wait about another 4 years. We want to fully enjoy her, and do not want to have to be distracted and vice versa. Plus, she will almost be in school!

elteesays:

February 15, 2011 at 8:50 pm

Totally agree. First year was BRUTAL. But now at 4 and 5, when I’m making dinner and they’re off playing, I thank my lucky stars.

I have a 2 year old and due this summer. I’ve heard/read/been told the same thing-“two is so much harder” and I think I’m numb to it now. I think for the first year, I’ll be living on autopilot and leave it at that!

Also though, my aunt has five with the biggest age gap being four years between the second and third, but all essentially back to back, and I feel like I’d have little to complain about compared to what she must have went through.

Kristensays:

February 17, 2011 at 7:31 am

We have a 10 week old and a three year old, and it can be very challenging at times. The hardest part for me is bedtime for my oldest. The baby is always awake during that time, so I’m juggling a baby while trying to deal with pj’s, toothbrush, bath, etc. And I can hold the baby and a bedtime book, but can’t snuggle with my oldest well or turn the pages. I love the nights my hubby doesn’t work late – we fight now over who gets to put the oldest to bed! But we are starting to emerge from the newborn haze and in some ways it is much easier this time around. No colic, better sleeping, knowing exactly what to expect… Like anything else, there is good and bad in it. You just have to set your expectations accordingly ahead of time.

Kristina Sauerweinsays:

February 17, 2011 at 12:03 pm

I felt like my second almost broke me too. He’s 2.5 yrs old and I still feel that way sometimes. He had colic and he knows no danger and is all boy and all of that just stresses me out. But my god, do I LOVE him. So worth it.

Jasminesays:

February 17, 2011 at 5:58 pm

I have a 2.5year old and a 2month old and some things aren’t difficult at all with 2, and some things are a lot more difficult. ike with one when they nap you get a little break, but with 2 if you can’t get them to nap at the same time then you get no breaks except the little sleep you get at night. I love my girls so much and feel sl blessed everyday, but I wish dh was home more to help.

Jen2says:

February 18, 2011 at 2:18 pm

For me, the first three months of having two kids (my oldest was 17 months when my 2nd was born) made me wish I’d had my tubes tied after #2 had come out. But I was also living with my parents during those first three months while my husband was away on Army stuff, and I’ve wondered if having both my parents helping me wasn’t what was making it so hard. Things got easier once I was back in my own place, even if I was completely alone with the kids all week, every week. And as the months went on it just kept getting easier.

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