Day 9: On Being Deconstructed

On Wednesday, I scribble a grocery list, load up kiddos and purse and diaper bag, and make the trek to Costco. I walk the massive aisles with my kiddos, grab oatmeal and milk, half-n-half and coffee because I’m going through the latter two these days like they’re going out of style.

About halfway through my grocery list, I run into one of my dearest friends. She’s a refuge for my heart, and seeing her unplanned like this is a kiss from Jesus — a tangible reminder that I’m seen and cared for by the One who made me.

Who is continually making me.

These days, I spiral in ever-deepening circles around this mystery inside me – this never-ending forming of Christ in my innermost places.

What’re you doing now, Lord? On this day? Your Hand moves quiet inside me, shaping, carving, and I long to slow down enough to notice Your work. To gaze on it like one watches in awe while a great Artist slowly, precisely creates His masterpiece.

Archaeology of souls is an art, see? And He is the Expert Excavator.

First thing this morning as I pour my groggy thoughts into my morning pages, I sense the question He whispers from within: What do you want Me to do for you?

And I’m utterly lacking in eloquence as I ramble on to Him about how desperately I want His life and light and Kingship to expand inside me till I’m completely His, as I scrawl prayers about my desire to be a bearer of Life wherever I go.

A bearer of life.

I splay it wide before Him — my desperation to be centered, grounded in Him, so much so that my gaze penetrates the false exteriors around me, and I’m resourced with wisdom to quietly declare life, light, insight, awakening into the deepest hearts of those He puts before me.

That’s what I long for.

And in order to live this way, in order to stand as a midwife of hearts, as a witness to the coming out of true selves — I must first move slowly enough in my own life to notice and embrace the nuances of His movements in my depths.

His carving. His refining. His uncovering beauty and darkness alike.

And on this Day 9 of intentionally digging deep(er) here, taking time and investing energy to wrap words around my most authentic heart, I need to tell you that with each passing day, I see my insecurity more clearly.

Offering to you pieces of my heart in words, day after day, is one of the more vulnerable things I’ve done.

Like, ever.

I feel exposed. Undone. My limits strip me of my ability to write my best, to offer you — or Him, or myself — a polished picture of who I am.

But the sense of exposure, and seeing new levels of my desire for approval — they are compelling me into His presence that covers, holds, and accepts my every part.

The further I press into my depths to each day bare before you places where soil is yet unturned, the more of my own strength slides off my shoulders, and I find myself weak, naked, poor, and in need.

And I’m drawn by Him to cease my efforts to cling to the fringes of that cloak, to pull it back over me — invited instead to be still in the discomfort of this acute, gaping awareness of my weakness.

So it’s out of my need that I write again today. Out of this heap of all my deconstructed scaffolds and props.

And I pray that somehow, somewhere between all these mixed metaphors, you’ll witness His strength being made perfect, His beauty filling in my multitude of gaps.

Because I believe in my gut it’s His purpose and desire to make His heart known, to me and to you, in all this deconstructing, all this stripping down.

He must increase; I must decrease. And it’s in the decreasing that I’ll fully live.

15 Responses to Day 9: On Being Deconstructed

Amen. “And it’s in the decreasing that I’m fully alive.” Beautiful truth you’ve shared this morning, my friend. May God be with you on your journey and as you pour your heart out to help others think.Anita Ojeda recently posted…Miserable Comfort

Beautiful friend, yes yes, let it be so! I understand this people-pleasing/longing for affirmation journey and so to lay out our mess…oh goodness, yes, it is vulnerable. But it is not just for vulnerability sake, is it? Because we know the one who takes broken pieces and makes beauty, who takes our Spirit-led laying open and makes it an offering for others’ benefit and for HIS glory.
This especially resonated: “So it’s out of my need that I write again today. Out of this heap of all my deconstructed scaffolds and props.” – to make much of Jesus. What a hard, yet good, place to be. Only in our true awareness of need can we make room for the better life, those things that would replace all the rubbish of unnecessary scaffolds and props. Jesus is making new foundations, new strengths that need not be stripped away. He is continually remaking you and doing such good things in and through you.
I am so proud of you, my friend and am cheering you on as you journey these 31 days!Ashley Larkin @ Draw Near recently posted…Following my own advice: Laying down “31 Days of Doing What I Say” before it begins

Ashley, just catching up on some old comments here… and realized I never responded to this one. Oh goodness, I could just read this again and again and again…. thank you for giving me further language to His work inside me. Thank you for seeing me. I’m so thankful for the ways our paths are similar and for the places our hearts intersect. I love you, my friend.

Ah, friend! I love reading what God is doing in your heart, so thank you for your faithfulness in sharing it. I especially love the “He must increase; I must decrease” concept. He won’t receive much glory when we are stuck making much of ourselves!
So grateful for you and your beautiful, authentic words!Becky Daye recently posted…Get to Know Your Pastor and His Family~ Way 9

Wow! I was actually thinking of this verse a couple of days ago, and your words brought it to mind again.

“He must increase; I must decrease. And it’s in the decreasing that I’ll fully live.”

Reading your words reminded of the song “Something Heavenly” by Sanctus Real.

[Chorus]
Whatever you’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there’s peace
It’s hard to surrender to what I can’t see
but I’m giving in to something heavenly

I have realized how much I have held myself back by fighting His work in me. I don’t want to be that way anymore. I want to live a life fully poured out before Him, surrendering all to Jesus, so that He can make something beautiful of the mess and chaos for His glory. He must increase; I must decrease. Thank you again for sharing your heart Dana!Jolene recently posted…Resting in Scriptural promises Proverbs 3:5-6

It is really hard some days to slow down and notice God’s work in me. But it is oh so refreshing and full of hope when I do. Need to give this daily intention.
And being still in my discomfort and weaknesses just makes my heart pound. I know that I need to face them and lay them at Yeshua’s feet. And yet, I just want to avoid them and hope they go away. I know God is making me into his masterpiece and so I need to go with it as he works that out. I need to allow myself to be undone and exposed so he can reach the depths of my heart. And yet… it is hard. really hard. thank you for encouraging me in this over and over.