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I’ve been thinking lately that my sneakers are too stupid. They don’t do anything, at least not anything video game related, which is where it matters. Adidas has recognized this problem and has announced a new “augmented reality” sneaker that you have to hold in front of your webcam in order to play special online games.

[Each shoe will come] printed with an AR code on the tongue. When you hold the code in front of your webcam, you’ll gain access to a virtual version of the adidas Originals Neighborhood. Each month between February and April, we’ll launch a new interactive game within the Neighborhood and your shoe will be the game controller.

I’d include the video, but it’s just a shot of a shoe spinning around all Transformers style over and over, meh.

I managed to talk with an anonymous source very close to the project, by which I mean someone imaginary, and he told me all about the Apple Tablet Adidas Original games that are in the works. Here are three concepts:

Scrape virtual dog poop off your shoe! Scrape faster! Another Adidas Original owner is sitting in front of his computer somewhere and he’s already got six pounds of poop scraped off!

Shake those spiders out of your shoe! You can see by the picture of the Sydney Opera House that you’re clearly in Australia, so those spiders can’t be good for you! Shake! Oh good lord look at all the spiders!

Not so much a game as a “fun” way to Skype. Hold your shoe up to your face and speak into the hole. You’re talking into a phone! No wait it’s a shoe! Now talking to your friends can smell like your feet! Crazy!

Sorry Adidas, I’m gonna have to pass on this one. If you ever invent augmented reality underwear, I’ll reconsider.