Where Stuff Gets Rated

Tag: toys

I know there’s a game here, and it seems to me it involved something called twosies, but mostly this is a thing where you steal the bouncy ball, because bouncy balls are awesome, and leave the jacks on the floor to mutilate someone’s foot. 2.7/5

If this had come out when I was a kid, it would have been my jam. When I was a kid, though, everything was so boring I had to go outside and play with bugs. Kids today can play Plants vs. Zombies on any of like thirty devices wherever they are, and so I can’t understand why these are even a thing. 2.4/5

This is a board game for kids, only it’s not actually a game. The winner is determined by the shuffle before the game even begins and you really just wait to see what happens. There’s a lesson there, but not one most parents are prepared for their kids to learn, I think. Anyway, I can tell you this, Queen Frostine is not nearly as sexy now as she was when I was a kid. What’s up with that, Hasbro? 1.1/5

This is a knock-off Lego Minifig of Protestant Revolutionary Martin Luther, two of his 95 theses, in the original archaic German, and a giant white feather, just out in honor of the five hundred anniversary of the beginning of the Protestant Reformation. It does not look like a very fun toy. 1.4/5

These were little rubber balls with about a million little rubber tentacles coming off of them. I don’t know what the point of them was, but they were satisfying in a way I can’t fully articulate. 4.0/5

If you know someone who has never turned one of these into a Samurai sword then you know someone who has live a life bereft of joy. These are better than almost every gift I have ever gotten. Getting to whallop someone you love right in their stupid face with one of these is miles better than any gift certificate. Even Amazon gift certificates. 4.9/5

These are like little vinyl reusable stickers. The box turns into a playset for them to stick to and they were pretty much the most fun a person could have until the invention of the internet. Protip, if you draw your own pictures and put saran wrap on the back of them, well, you’ve made your very own colorforms! Be sure to use this information if you’re trapped in the 80s and looking to really impress me as a child. 4.9/5