The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are of New York and consider themselves die hard New Yorkers; the city’s protectors. Unfortunately, human New Yorkers would scream and run for their lives if they glimpsed the sewer dwellers. Not so carefully treading the line between being behind the scenes vigilantes and flamboyant limelight seekers, the Ninja Turtles watch Knick games from inside the jumbotron, try and participate in the Halloween parade, and are growing restless hiding out of sight while those they protect enjoy the sunshine above. This frustration is just one theme of many swirling around in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows and is really the only one taken seriously. The rest of the film is stuffed full of bad jokes, mockery, and eye-rolling, gibberish dialogue.

I was one of the handful of movie reviewers who enjoyed 2014’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles franchise reboot. New computer wizardry made the turtles seem realistic, the 3D was in your face and oddly effective, and even the lame jokes were funny. Out of the Shadows is everything its predecessor was not. It is a loose remake of 1991’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze but it’s campy, not funny.

Shredder (Brian Tee, Jurassic World) escapes in a busy interstate sequence as the armored convoy transporting him between prisons is attacked. Accidentally teleported into another dimension ruled by the diabolically evil brain, Commander Krang (Brad Garrrett, The Incredible Burt Wonderstone), Shredder will gather pieces of an alien device to open a portal so Krang can come through with his planet destroying Death Star thing and take over the world. It is even worse than it sounds.

Aiding Shredder is evil scientist Baxter Stockman (Tyler Perry, Gone Girl), perhaps the worst actor in an entire cast of worst actors. He is so over the top and giddy about new gadgetry it goes beyond camp into the territory of Vanessa Bayer’s Saturday Night Live kid actor character. Megan Fox returns as reporter April O’Neill and the first time we get a look at her, she transforms from one disguise into a Catholic school girl porn star uniform. The camera was famous for ogling Fox in the first two Transformers films and Michael Bay, producing here, must use his influence to make it happen again. I’m sure the nine year olds in the audience ready to see some turtle action love the 30 year-old woman dressing up as statutory rape jailbait.

Shredder brings back Krang’s ooze and promptly transforms two buddy felons into his loyal henchmen, Bebop and Rocksteady (Gary Anthony Williams and Stephen “Sheamus” Farrelly). Imagine a duo whose baseline is to have a good time whether its breaking through a wall or someone’s head. Empty their heads of all thoughts, give them immense power, turn the dial to 11, and that is Bebop and Rocksteady. Over the top along with everyone else, these two made the audience crack a knowing smile as we all remember them from the original series.

Another sidekick character making his new appearance but memorable from the ‘90s is Casey Jones (Stephen Amell). TV’s Green Arrow himself is more of a vigilante in training where he begins as a Corrections Officer on Shredder’s prisoner convoy and then starts to morph into the hockey mask and stick sporting brawler. Give me Elias Koteas any day of the week as Casey Jones over Amell, but Amell is actually not the biggest casting surprise here. Hello three time Oscar-nominee Laura Linney as Chief Vincent, the no nonsense, disbelieving police higher-up who neither believes in turtles nor Casey’s fantastic stories about teleportation and mutants. What is she doing here?

Raphael and Leonardo continue to grumble at each other over leadership styles, there is the undercurrent about the ooze possibly making them human, and wait until you get a load of what Krang looks like; this guy is absolutely nauseating to see. I suppose that means the kids will love it and the visual effects department scores a win, but man this thing is revolting. The dazzling 3D is back but is almost useless because of the editing pace; action scenes are chopped up into such little bits it’s hard to keep track of anything. A centerpiece chase sequence just like 2014’s slide down the snowy mountainside wows us and this time it takes place in Brazil in some whitewater rapids and jumping between mid-air cargo aircraft. Please do not let these thimble full of complements persuade you into wasting time on Out of the Shadows; it is just as awful as the original it is remaking; there is even a token Vanilla Ice reference.