Tabiness doesn't believe in the world being black and white.. For her, it's made up of greys!!! Somewhere in between, she has found the answer to balancing it all out.. Her joys, her sorrows, her questions, her answers... She writes when she feels like.. She writes bout wats close to her heart!!!

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Over 12 years ago, a bundle of joy was brought into our house. When dad and Tess carried her into the house in that shopping bag, little did we know that our life was about to change forever! For day one, we called her ‘Trina’ and she didn’t respond to the name. So we decided that it was time to change the name. ‘Trixie’, we decided it was; and believe it or not, she responded to the name from the moment she heard it for the first time. So TRIXIE it was to be.

Day 2 of her being in the house; and we were still not used to having a lil four legged baby running around in the house. When mom opened the door that morning to get in the milk; we heard a yelp. Trixie had also come running to the door to check who the ‘intruder’ was, her watchdog instincts in place ever since that day. Mumma hadn’t remembered to check for the lil one, and had accidentally opened the door onto her paw. We all checked her for any other signs of hurt, and noticed that her paw was bleeding. I still remember how much everyone had cried that day. Although in retrospect it may sound funny and silly, but we were genuinely upset that day.

Today, we all cried for her once again. Over 12 years later, we bade goodbye to the love of our life. Trixie was gone – forever this time. She will be sorely missed. I still can’t believe she won’t come running to the door to wag her tail till it threatens to separate from her body. I can’t believe she will never lick my nose again. I can’t believe she won’t scratch my leg when she wants to be touched. I can’t believe there will be no endless barks on the night when the other dogs of the area decide to sing in harmony. I can’t believe I won’t have to kick her off the bed coz she was taking up more place than I could ever do. I can’t believe I’ll never see her again. I’ll miss you, my love! I’ll miss you!

Thursday, April 14, 2011

When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.

The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho

There comes that time in your life when the whole universe begins to plot against you. It’s almost as if you’re forced to do things that you didn’t think it was the right time to do.

I find myself in just that spot today.

For the last couple of weeks/months, I have not even been thinking about my blog. Let’s rephrase that one. I’d almost forgotten I had one. A year seems to have gone by before I went through that mad ‘writing’ phase; where every night had to see one blog post or I would drop dead on the sidewalk next day. The possible cause of death would be pinned at ‘non-writing asphyxia’.

Fast forward to today. Almost one year into writing jobs, the writer in me had begun focusing her energies on other tasks at hand. There always seemed to be something or the other to be written about; or so claimed the men signing the dotted lines that led to your paycheck at the end of the month.

My creative self had become but a slave to the whims and fancies of men who wanted to abuse it for their personal and professional wellbeing. My creative self had turned into a whore!!!

The last few days gone by, however, brought with them a fresh wave of change. Suddenly I had the urge to pick up a book again. Just not pick it up; I wanted to read books again. I chose to look out of the bus window, observing life in its’ mundane self, rather than dial the first number I saw on my phone. All these observations and lines read have culminated in this post.

I would hereby like to call this post ‘The Freedom from Creative Whore-ness’. Yes, that’s what this is for me. It’s a start of me breaking the shackles that have held my mind captive for all these months.

Believe it or not, it took some convincing to even get started on this post. This was because, for all these months I had convinced myself that this part of me was dead.

(Ironically, in between writing this post, one of the ‘men’ mentioned above happened to call out to me. I shall channel my energies towards finishing the ‘job’ with him, and then get back to being my free creative self).

Now that I get back to being my free creative self, I feel throttled again. Such is the price you have to pay for turning your passion into your profession. It’s weird how mortifying the thought seems now. What if I will never be able to let the short stories jump off my keyboard anymore? What if those failed attempts at sonnets remain just that? What if I am never allowed to reach the full heights of my writing potential; if that sort of a peak exists!

I guess only time will tell whether I will complete the half-written story that precedes this post; or whether I will completely lose myself to the needs and wants of the never-satiated men that I work for. Only time will tell.

But for now, I shall celebrate the choice I have made to set out on this journey of re-finding the gypsy-writer within me. The one who didn’t shy away from topics that people hypocritically ignored; the one who didn’t care what people thought of her because she chose to shine the spotlight on taboos – that woman is who I am waiting to be, once again! This post shall not be edited before it is posted; because this is what I want to encapsulate within it – The Raw Me. The ‘me’ that I was used to being. The younger me, who didn’t care about grammatical errors; as long as the essence was flawless! That me shall be back someday, in her element. She will be back with a new fragrance so strong that the whore writer shall be overpowered.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

I woke up, all groggy headed. Weddings normally do that to me, I thought. I turned to the person sleeping next to me. I wouldn’t normally let anyone sleep in with me, but I’d made an exception this time.
“Good morning” I said, sleepily, stifling a yawn.
“Good morning” he replied.
“Did you sleep well?” he asked.
“Yeah. I did. Would you like some coffee?” I asked.
“Sure” he mumbled. His back was still facing me. He had shoved his head under the pillow.
I dragged myself out of bed and headed to the kitchen. I got down to making some coffee, and hunted everywhere for something to tie up my hair with. I hated my hair on my face while I was in the kitchen.
“Good morning” he said, once again, as he came and held me from behind.
“Sugar?” I asked him, as I moved towards the shelf to fetch out the container with the sugar in it.
“Two spoons, please!” he replied, walking towards the couch.
“Here” I said, placing the cup in his hand, while I sat down opposite him.
“Do you know you look pretty even without makeup on?” he said, as he got up and came and sat next to me. I smiled and looked at him. I should have blushed at a statement like this one, but I didn’t. I couldn’t.
“Thanks for letting me stay the night” he said, as he continued looking me in the eyes.
“Don’t mention it” I told him.
“What’s the matter, Lisa?” he asked me.
I looked up at him. “Nothing!” I replied, nonchalantly.
“Is something up? Do you like have a boyfriend or something?” he asked, all concerned.
“What would make you ask me that?” I shot him a questioning look.
“Well, for starters, I had to beg you to dance with me. I know you would have never asked me to stay back at yours’ had it not been for my flat tire. Plus, it’s not like I looked at any other woman at the wedding. It was obvious I had my eyes on you. I didn’t even make a move on you last night, in spite of sleeping in the same bed. What’s wrong with you? Why are you so cold towards me?” he asked.
“Alston, I have always been like this. Why do you think I’m still single?” I asked him.
He smiled. “Well, I thought you were single because you’d been waiting for the right one” he said, while pointing his thumbs towards himself.
I smiled, and playfully hit him on the hand.
“Oh damn, I didn’t realize the coffee was in your hand” I said, when I looked down at the shorts. They were covered with the coffee that spilled over thanks to my playful hitting.
“Well, technically, they are your shorts. So I don’t care!” he said.
“Bitch” I yelled, as I got up to fetch some tissue. “But I must admit, you look good in my clothes” I yelled from the kitchen.
I gasped when I turned around to run into the living room; because he had sneaked up on me in the kitchen. He was standing right in front of me, his face as close to mine as it could be.
“Lisa, I really think there’s some potential here. What do you think?” he asked.
“C’mon Alston” I choked, “You’ve hardly known me for 24 hours” I said, trying to move away from him, and succeeding. “Plus, you’ll be back in Nottingham before I say ‘Yugoslavia’.”
“Why Yugoslavia?” he asked, perplexed.
“Focus, Alston, focus!” I said, hand on hips.
“You’re right” he said, head hanging low. “But if you do change your mind about the UK, and decide to head there some time, promise me you’ll call me!”
“I promise you I will call you” I said, as I gave him one of my world-famous teddy bear hugs. People often told me that my hugs cheered them up. That was the last time I saw Alston.

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

“Ae kutti” Andrea yelled into the phone.
“Haan bol na, Kameeni” I replied. I loved talking to her. It always brightened my mood. Two years into her marriage and she was still the same person.
“I have some news for you”, she said, all excited.
“What’s happening?” I asked.
“Josh and I are flying down to Goa next month.”
“That’s great. Second honeymoon?” I asked.
“Nope! You’re coming with us too!” she said.
“Is that so?” I asked.
“Yup! And do you know why we’re going?” she asked.
“How would I know?” I replied.
“It’s your 29th birthday, you fool!” she said, all excited.
‘Damn! I’m old!’
“Wow, 29, eh? I sure am growing old” I said.
“Let’s do this. Please don’t say no!” she pleaded.
“Okay, okay!” I agreed. “Who else is involved in the plan?”
“We could call Prateeksha, if you’d like. She and Saurabh would be more than happy to come along. It’s your birthday, after all!” she said, referring to Prateeksha, my school friend and her husband Saurabh.
“Wow, do you want to call any more married couples and remind me of how single I am?” I asked.
“Well, I knew you would say this; and I was almost hoping you would. So then there’s alternative number 2” she said, the excitement evident in her voice.
“And what’s alternative number 2?” I asked.
“An all girls trip” Andrea squealed.
“I wish you could see my raised eyebrow right now” I told her over the phone.
“Prateeksha, Priya, Candice and Karen have already agreed” she said.
“So the whole couples’ thing was never on your mind, was it?” I asked her.
“Nah!” she replied.
“Let’s do this” I replied, enthusiastic.
I was turning 29. I was in a job that I loved, an apartment that was the envy of most women my age, and a lovely set of friends. But I was still single. However, the last time I’d been reminded of my singledom was perhaps about 2 years back, when I had gone to Andrea’s wedding date-less. I’d taken up a new job post the wedding; and work hadn’t left me any time to worry ever since then.
I turned around to stare at my laptop once again. The minimized window was a blinking orange. He’d sent a reply. Did I want to see his reply? I wasn’t sure. I just shut down the laptop without seeing what he’d said, and ran in for a shower. I was late for my lunch date.

Friday, January 21, 2011

I walked out of the hall; my clutch in hand. I couldn’t take it anymore. The music was getting to me. I walked up to the terrace; and looked around. I was alone. I opened my clutch, and removed the cigarette packet I’d managed to stuff inside at the last minute.

“Thank God for small mercies”, I heard a voice behind me say. I turned around. It was Alston. He was the best man, and I’d had the traditional dance with him, given the fact I was the maid of honor; but other than that, I didn’t know him at all. I flashed him a courteous smile, and said “You couldn’t be more right.”

“Can I rob you of one?” he asked, gesturing at the packet.

“Sure”, I said, as I offered him the lighter as well. He took the lighter and lit my cigarette first.

“So, Lisa, what do you do?” he asked, as he flicked his cigarette. “Well, I am in between jobs right now”, I replied, hoping to end this small talk as soon as possible. I’d come up to the terrace because I wanted to be alone. Plus, I wanted to finish the cigarette before any more audience joined us. I also knew that Andrea would want me back soon. I was her maid of honor, and it was my duty to be with her at all times. Thankfully Andrea knew that without a smoke break I wouldn’t have been able to function; and so she’d let me slip away when she was busy with Joshua.

“Well, and what were you doing before this?” he asked.

“I was copy editing for a company that is into educational books”, I replied, hardly interested in the conversation.

“That’s nice” he replied, an earnest smile on his face.

That was when I realized that I was being a complete bitch. Here was this cute guy being nice to me, and he was Joshua’s best friend; and Andrea was mine. The least I could do was have a real conversation with him.

“So Joshua, I hear you’re in Nottingham now!” I said.

“Oh yeah, which I wasn’t here to witness the whole Andy-Josh affair unfold” he said, while looking at me.

“Oh no no no!” I said, shooting him a worried look. “Don’t ever let her catch you calling her that. She hates being called ‘Andy’”

“Oh, is it?”

“Yeah, Andu is better; and even ‘Andre’ works, but definitely no Andy. She hates it” I said, with a serious tone.

“Noted, madame” he said, playfully. His smile was sort of cute.

“Shall we?” he said, as he gestured for me to take his hand.

“Alright”, I replied, while stubbing out the cigarette with my expensive pair of heels.

“That’s a lovely toe ring you have on” he replied.

‘He sure is observant’ I thought to myself, as I looked down at my orange toe ring and smiled. “Thanks” I said.

As we walked down the flight of stairs, he held onto my hand. I didn’t mind it though, because he didn’t have the grip that screamed ‘pervert’. It was a nice, firm grip; and it was helping, given the fact that I didn’t expect to be climbing up and down stairs in these new heels.

We entered the hall; and I shot a look at Andrea, and she smiled back. I excused myself and walked towards her. She looked resplendent.

“Congratulations, you!” I said, as I hugged her.

“Thank you, my love. By the way, I am going to throw the bouquet in your direction”, she winked at me.

“Puhleez!!! Spare me the trouble. Give it to someone else. Weddings are a headache” I joked.

“So, I see you and the best man have been bonding” she said, as she leaned in to smell me “Over a smoke, I suppose!”

“You know me all too well” I responded. “Yes, we’ve been talking and the talking was accompanied by the smoking; but no, no serious bonding or anything. You know me, don’t you, woman?”

“There you are” he said, as he walked up to me.

“The groom” I said, as I mockingly bowed down to him.

“You look stunning” he said, as he bent over and planted a kiss on my cheek”.

“You don’t look half as bad yourself, Josh” I replied, as I lightly punched him in the stomach. ‘He’s perfect for Andrea’ I thought to myself.

“You’ll get yourself one soon enough” Andrea whispered, almost like she’d heard my thoughts out loud. How did she always know what it was that I was thinking?

“May I have the pleasure of this dance with you?” I heard a voice behind me. It was Alston; he was back.

“Sure” I said, placing my hand in his. “Here, can you hold this for me, Priya” I motioned for one of the bridesmaids who took the clutch from my hand. I walked to the dance floor with Alston.

I may have not paid heed the first time I danced with him, but he sure could dance pretty well. The song playing was ‘Karma Chameleon’. The pace was good. He began doing the ‘East Coast Swing’ (or as the laymen called it ‘Jive’). I burst into an ear to ear smile. I loved dancing, it always made me smile.

Alston was cute, and he could dance. He was making me smile; but I still wasn’t attracted to him.

‘What’s wrong with you, Lisa?’ I thought to myself.

He, however, seemed to be doling out all his attention on me. He’d not asked any other girl to dance with him. ‘Enjoy the attention for now’ I said to myself, as we danced on.

I looked at Andrea; while I continued dancing. “In your direction” she said, as she gestured towards the bouquet, and she winked at me.