Funny quotes from patients

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We have all taken care of patients whose sense of humor has made our day. I'll start this thread off with a story from my days in the ER. We were admitting a very very confused elderly man for evaluation of chest pain. As I was transferring him from the stretcher to the bed his gown rode up revealing his "goodies". This man who had previously been completely incoherent said," Ooo don't look at me down there." I answered, "Don't worry. You don't have anything that I haven't seen before." He replied, "You haven't seen THIS before! I got a beauty!!" It was the only lucid thing he said all night. I still laugh about it to this day.:chuckle

I remember caring for a very prim and proper lady from Yorkshire who was about 95 and very Victorian, right down to her lace up boots. One day she said to me "would you like me to tell you a "toast", but only as long as you don't tell anyone where you got it from?" Of course I agreed and it is one I use to this day!

"Here's to the blood of your health, here's to the health of your blood, if you've got good blood, you've got good health, so here's to your bloody good health!"

When I was in nursing school one of my first patients was a 91 year old LTC resident. As another student and I were seating him on the toilet, completly naked he smiled and said, "Ya Know more people have seen me naked since I've turned 90 than all the years before."

My first semester of school, I had a confused patient in her 90's who gave answers to questions that made it difficult for me to hold a straight face. To the orientation questions, "Can you tell me where you are?"
Her response: "The experimental data that you are experimenting on me with is not experimental enough to experiment with me on. Stop experimenting on me with the experimental data and I will stop experimenting on you."
(Okay, definately not oriented to place, how about time?)
Can you tell me what day it is?
Her response: "Today is not yesterday and it is not tomorrow. So today must be today and not tomorrow or yesterday."
(Okay, we seem to have a live one here.) She did answer her name correctly. How I kept a straight face while everyone was laughing outside the curtain I will never know.

Then I had three different patients in two different hospitals and two different nursing units give me the same answer when asked where they were. And that was they were in a chatue in the south of France. Hmmm, I would like to join them there.
I walked into a patients room who I refer to as the patient from h3ll after my two days with her. When I introduced myself as a student nurse, her response: "What, you're not a female?"

Had a patient on night duty once who kept on making sugestive comments just to get a blush out of me. He was about 55-60 yrs old. One morning, as I was doing medication rounds he walked up to me and said. Am wearing my white t-shirt today. White for a virgin...It's a very old t-shirt...I could not help laughing at him, and he stopped trying to make me blush after that

I walked into a patients room who I refer to as the patient from h3ll after my two days with her. When I introduced myself as a student nurse, her response: "What, you're not a female?"[/QUOTE]
My very first clinical patient in my first semester was a little 85 year old lady, as I walked in the room, (my teacher was right behind me), I introduced myself as her studnet nurse for the evening, she looked at me then at my teacher and says, "What? Did they run out of girls?" After what seemed like an eternity my teacher smiled and said "Yes". I won her over by the end of the shift.
One morning I was helping a CNA give a bath to to a hospice patient who has no testicles. She was washing his behind and he says, "Ohh, I haven't had a hard-on in six months but if you keep rubbing me there with that warm washcloth...". I fyou look up horn-dog in the dictionary, you will see his picture!

I had a good laugh last week. An elderly gentleman came in for his usual appt. He's 6 ft tall and down to 126 lbs. He's also very hearing impaired. (he's also 94) I told him that I was going to start calling him stringbean if he didn't gain some weight. He replied "No ma'am, the frost got all my beans this year". I was almost ROTFL!

I work in surgery. We had a 80 something little lady on our table for a local cystoscopy. I had prepped and draped her then the young good looking urologist sat between her legs which where in stirrups. Then she raised up on her elbows and told him, "You'er the cutest thing I've had between my legs in years." We all about died laughing while he turned beet red and sputtered "thank you."

I work in surgery. We had a 80 something little lady on our table for a local cystoscopy. I had prepped and draped her then the young good looking urologist sat between her legs which where in stirrups. Then she raised up on her elbows and told him, "You'er the cutest thing I've had between my legs in years." We all about died laughing while he turned beet red and sputtered "thank you."

I work in surgery. We had a 80 something little lady on our table for a local cystoscopy. I had prepped and draped her then the young good looking urologist sat between her legs which where in stirrups. Then she raised up on her elbows and told him, "You'er the cutest thing I've had between my legs in years." We all about died laughing while he turned beet red and sputtered "thank you."

I work in surgery. We had a 80 something little lady on our table for a local cystoscopy. I had prepped and draped her then the young good looking urologist sat between her legs which where in stirrups. Then she raised up on her elbows and told him, "You'er the cutest thing I've had between my legs in years." We all about died laughing while he turned beet red and sputtered "thank you."