News finally came out that WNBA star Candace Parker eloped in November…in Lake Tahoe. She married NBA scrub Shelden Williams, whom I’m guessing was too busy averaging 3 points a game for the Kings to give her a proper ceremony…

“We just decided that with both of our schedules, it would be better to elope,” Williams said.

The newlyweds live in Sacramento with their three dogs.

Parker and Williams had been engaged since last May, which is pretty moronic, especially since Shelden has only now disqualified himself from that ever-tempting waterfall of NBA road snatch. Seriously, even if you look like this, it’s like a perpetual flood of poo-nanny wherever these guys go. Why do you think Kareem was in the league for 20 years? For the socks?