Monday, September 6, 2010

Still A Struggle

I still feel like I am struggling. I am pretty sure this is my longest stint of sobriety since probably around 2001. I don't know if it's a time thing, or just that regular internal struggle. I understand how people always feel like alcoholics. The thought of drinking crosses my mind a lot but I don't have a strong desire to drink, just that ever nagging feeling. Like something is lurking around the corner ready to jump out at me. I had a conversation with one of my closest friends who now lives pretty far away. She texted me to tell me she was "on the wagon". I shared with her that I had been sober for over 77 days. We were drinking buddies when we lived close to each other. It was nice to talk to her though I don't think she is ready to stay sober forever. I think she is in the stage of thinking that some time she will be able to be in control of her drinking. I know that I don't have that capability. There are big changes on my horizon. I will be living solo during the week while working in the city and coming home on the weekends. My plan is to stay as busy as possible- maybe even get a second job. I am sad to have to be away from my husband who gives me strength. Though I have a feeling that being away from each other during the week will help us not to take each other for granted.

4 comments:

Congratulations on 77 days sober; you should be proud of your achievement. When thoughts of drinking arise it can be hard; I found mindfulness meditation techniques to be helpful with this because it makes it easier to dismiss these thoughts.

I once worried that life in recovery would mean always having to fight cravings to drink forever. I have found though it is not like that at all; months can go by without the thought of drink even entering my head and when they do come they can easily be dismissed. It takes people different lengths of time to reach the stage where they are mostly free of thoughts of drinking; I do believe that the day comes for all of us in recovery though. My life today has nothing to do with not drinking; it is about enjoying life. You are on an exciting path now and I hope it takes you to where you want to be; in fact I’m sure it will if you let it.

Paul, Thank you for your words of encouragement. The idea that I will think about alcohol everyday for the rest of my life is a genuine worry I have. I am glad to know that eventually the thoughts will dissipate.

I don't know whether you're doing anything else to support yourself, such as going to meetings or working any process of recovery. The only way the obsession was taken away from me was after I committed myself to a process of honest spiritual discipline. In line with what Paul says, you may be interested in the comments of a Buddhist monk that I ran on my blog the other day. He studies both Buddhism and the 12 steps, and he talks about how both disciplines require a high level of spiritual practice... Not to be achieved all at once, but a step at a time.

The obsession can lift surprisingly quickly after one commits oneself.