Tommy Time

Monday, July 21, 2014

Maroon 5 front man Adam Levine has said many times that he will never go solo... But he sure doesn't miss an opportunity to lend his vocals in projects apart from the band. The latest example is Begin Again, a music-based drama film in which Adam has his big screen debut.

While I won't tolerate his acting career, Adam's contributions to the soundtrack are bona fide jams. Just listen to "No One Else Like You" and tell me you disagree. It will make you nostalgic for the pre-"Moves Like Jagger" Maroon 5 of yesteryear.

Saturday, July 19, 2014

If I even have to explain this to you, you can move on because no reader of mine dislikes French fries.

Thing I Hate #17: When People Like Their Own Instagrams

Nobody is immune to the crippling anxiety of waiting for your Instagram likes to turnover into a two-digit number, but that does not mean you should give yourself a boost by liking your own post. Obviously if you posted it, you like it. You do not need to actually heart it to prove the point.

Sunday, July 13, 2014

History always seems destined to repeat itself. After Britney Spears recovered from her infamous breakdown and returned to pop music prominence with 2008's Circus, the public had so much good will for her. You would think we would have learned from our mistakes and not revert back to the same microscopic judgment that helped push her over the edge in the first place.

But that isn't so. These days, the media and general public look for any reason to knock Britney down again. The latest incident is a leaked version of her track, "Alien", reportedly without any autotune. The track leaked on July 2 and the Britney fandom was all abuzz, but it took the media almost a week to pick up on it. I won't even bother discounting these "news sources" for being untimely as fuck.

But I will take the opportunity to explain why these so-called raw vocals aren't the proof that Britney sucks at singing that everybody thinks it is.

1. It's not the track without autotune

People assume that this track is the very take Britney recorded in the studio that was then digitally altered and put on her record. That isn't so. Britney, like every other artist, records multiple takes of the song. The one in question, according to producer William Orbit, is the warm-up take, one that "a generous singer will put something down the mic to help the engineer get their systems warmed up and at the right level."

In short, this "take" is Britney warming up her own vocals while helping the producer warm up his equipment. She sings it a cappella (the backing track you hear was added later by whoever leaked it). It's not meant to be used as a take, much less heard by the public. So this isn't the "Alien" you hear on Britney Jean without autotune. It's literally the very first time Britney is singing the song, for the sole sake of feeling it out.

2. It's not that bad

Given that the public can afford to be unforgiving, everybody is acting like these vocals are the worst things to have ever fallen on human ears. But if you really listen to it, especially if you keep in mind that it's a warm-up track with what Orbit calls "a multitude of vocalisations," you can surely hear for yourself that it's not even bad. Sure, it might make you yearn for the final product, but any singer's warm-up tracks aren't going to be something you'll want to write home about.

3. Britney's not a vocalist, she's a performer

Most people might excuse this point without giving it a chance, but here it goes. Britney does not claim, nor has she ever claimed, to be a vocalist. She never set out to be Whitney Houston, though she has always admired her. She is an entertainer and a performer, one whose talent exists not in powerhouse vocals but in her pure star power and ability to put on a show. That said, I can point you to countless examples of recordings and live performances that prove that Britney does have an unexpectedly decent singing voice.

4. If you don't like autotune, well...

If you're one of those music purists who reject any and all signs of digital enhancement, then you can pretty much count out any songs recorded after 2000. All singers, no matter their talent and no matter their genre, use autotune. It's the industry standard, and it's obviously used to varying degrees, but everybody needs help correcting the occasional pitch or smoothing out a vocal here and there. It's the equivalent of putting an Instagram filter on a photo.

After all this controversy, Billboard reported that sales and shares of "Alien" skyrocketed. So thank you, Britney bashers! We might get that third single after all!

Monday, July 7, 2014

Sam Smith is making quite the splash recently. He's featured on a gazillion songs, like Naughty Boy's "La La La" and Disclosure's "Latch", and his own song "Stay With Me" is blowing up the radio. Some are calling him the male Adele. In all honesty, his debut album feels monotonous and depressing.

BUT "Restart" is a fun little beacon of life. It has a groovy 70s disco vibe set to lyrics about hitting refresh after a breakup... So his fave theme of heartbreak transcends, but at least it's presented in a refreshing manner.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Mean Girls is based on the nonfiction book Queen Bees and Wannabes, which helps teenage girls navigate the clique-based high school hierarchy. Tina Fey primarily based the script on her own experiences; Janice Ian is Tina Fey. The character was named after the openly gay singer of the same name, whose song "At Seventeen" was one of the first Saturday Night Live performances and can be heard in the film.

Damian was named after Tina's close from, TV Guide writer Damian Holbrook, and Glen Coco was also named for a friend of Tina's.

The original name of the film was Homeschooled.

The script was originally extremely R-rated. Director Mark Waters remarked that Regina dropped "more F-bombs than Joe Pesci in Goodfellas."

Mark's brother is Daniel Waters, the screenwriter of Heathers, which is totally the darker, 80s version of Mean Girls. The brothers recently teamed up for Vampire Academy, which is like Mean Girls with vampires, but was apparently really shitty.

Lindsay Lohan was originally cast as Regina George, but after the success of Freaky Friday, Paramount worried her fans wouldn't accept her as the villain. Rachel McAdams, who originally read for Cady but was considered "too old," was then cast as Regina.

Amanda Seyfried read for the role of Regina, before being cast as Karen. Rajiv Surendra read for Damian before landing the role of mathlete Kevin G, which was originally written for an Asian actor.

James Franco was originally considered for the role of Aaron
Samuels. Jonathon Bennett was cast, partially because he could make
Lindsay blush on camera, and partially because Tina thought he looked
like her SNL costar Jimmy Fallon.

Lizzy Caplan was
cast as Janice because of her ability to show raw emotion. Tina
originally wanted a Kelly Osborne-esque actress to play the character,
and considered Lizzy too pretty.

Rumors of Scarlett Johansson auditioning for Karen were shot down by Mark.
Ashley Tisdale, however, did. She would later cite Rachel's
characterization of Regina as her inspiration for playing Sharpay in High School Musical.

Paramount dragged their feet in casting Amy Poehler and Tim Meadows as Regina's mom and Principal Duvall, respectively, as they did not want it to become a "Saturday Night Live movie."

Amy wrote Kevin G's rap.

Lindsay missed the first few days of filming because she had overdosed pink eye.

Because she was a minor, Lindsay could only film about 9 hours a day, and so Mark took as many shortcuts as possible. The four-way phone call scene was filmed at 48 frames per second (slow motion) with synced sound. The footage of whoever is talking in the scene is played at the standard 24 frames per second, while the other girls are discretely shown in slow motion.

Initially, the film was denied the rights to Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful" for Damian's talent show performance. Danial Franzese, who played the character, fought for the rights, because he wanted to recite the spoken lyric, "Don't look at me." Songwriter Linda Perry eventually relented and gave them the rights, as the character was gay, and that's the type of audience the song was written for.

Rachel wore a blonde wig for filming, which you can totally tell. Still, Regina's flawless.

The original script had Miss Norbury confiscating ecstasy from Kevin G and putting it in her desk, which gets her into even more trouble when the burn book accuses her of selling drugs.

The song Cady is excited to actually recognize at the end of the film is "Built This Way" by Samantha Ronson, Linday's future girlfriend.

Rachel prepared for her performance as Regina by listening to Courtney Love CDs and also drew inspiration from Alec Baldwin's role in Glengarry Glen Ross.

A Broadway musical based on the film is in the works. And if the Heathers musical is any indication, it won't be good.

Monday, June 30, 2014

Nicole Scherzinger is back! After much delay, the former Pussycat Doll has officially released the lead single from her upcoming second album. If her first album was any indication, it will pretty much be a strictly European thing, meaning you probably won't ever hear "My Love" except for her.

While there's really no such thing as a Nicole Scherzinger style, this song is the perfect fit for her. It's fun and catchy as hell, even if it makes little sense.

Friday, June 27, 2014

Did you know that the mayor of Talkeetna, Alaska is a cat? Well, it's true! The small town, which is technically considered a historical district and therefore does not have an actual mayor, elected Stubbs the cat as its mayor in July 1997 and he has been going strong ever since. As such, he's also the Bitch of the Week

Lauri Stec, a general store manager, found Stubbs and the rest of his litter in a box in the parking lot. She chose Stubbs because he had no tail. Eventually, he became so popular that people just accepted he was the mayor. I'm not kidding. It just happened. The town, which prides itself on its eccentricity, were just like, "Yeah, he's our mayor!"

Stubbs operates out of his office in the general store. (Also not kidding.) He attracts 30 to 40 tourists a day. Every afternoon, he frequents a local restaurant and drinks water out of a wineglass laden with catnip.

It hasn't been all games for Stubbs. He's often harassed by teenagers, which is fucking rude #leaveStubbsalone! In August 2013, he was attacked by a dog and suffered a punctured lung, a fractured sternum, and a deep wound in his side. A crowdsourcing page was set up to pay for his medical bills.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

ABC Family has never had much luck with comedies; aside from rarities like Melissa & Joey, most of them fail to garner a loyal audience and see cancellation within their first few episodes. That's why it's so bizarre that they keep trying the same shit, hoping that this time it will stick.

Well, in the case of Mystery Girls, it most certainly does not stick. The show focuses on Holly (Tori Spelling) and Charlie (Jennie Garth), two washed-up TV actresses who starred as detectives on the small screen 14 years ago. Sound familiar? You would only need one hand to count the noteworthy projects Tori and Jennie have taken on since their heydays on Beverly Hills, 90210 (1990-2000). Mystery Girls knows this, and everyone, including its two stars, is in on the joke.

They also seem to understand how ridiculous the plot is. You see, while Charlie has retired from the spotlight and settled into family life in suburbia, Holly does just about anything she can to stay relevant. The two reunite, however, when a murder witness refuses to give his statement to anyone except the actress' TV counterparts. And then the girls decide to go into the detective business for real, hiring the murder witness, the overly flamboyant Nick (Miguel Pinzon), as their assistant.

The fact that the show understands its own stupidity is one of its only redeeming qualities. Tori and Jennie aren't exactly comediennes, and while Jennie's four-year stint on What I Like About You gives her a bit of an upper leg, it's clear that they're not meant for slapstick comedy in front of a "live" audience. Instead, they take turns screaming their lines, begging for laughter. And don't get my started on Nick, who is stereotyped within an inch of his life (even screeching over Lady Gaga tickets), that you were watching something made 10 years ago.

At this point, it's worth noting that tonight's premiere episode was not the pilot. So all that plot information I just gave you? Forget about it. Instead, we were treated to episode 3, and we're expected to know what the hell is going on. Not that it's all that complicated. Tabloid rumors of Holly's death lead to the revelation of a sex tape, and the girls let the public continue thinking she's dead until they can locate the tape, which they do after a series of ridiculous hijinks.

The fact that ABC Family chose not to air the pilot, probably because it's not good, is not nearly as concerning as the fact that this episode is what they considered the strongest contender out of the gate.

All that said... I laughed quite a bit at the show. Not at the jokes themselves, but how ridiculous the entire show is. And there's something endearing about seeing lifelong friends Tori and Jennie onscreen together again. An official 90210 reunion seems to be out of the question, but I'll take this for now! And even though I sense cancellation in just a few short weeks, I look forward to seeing how many more "mysteries" and Shannen Doherty jokes these ladies have in them.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

A few months ago, I traveled out of the country and was disgusted to learn that some one of the most popular American programs on their televisions was Duck Dynasty. How fucking gross is it that a bunch of camouflaged, backward hicks are the ones reppin' America in other countries.

All of this would be forgivable if it wasn't for Phil Robertson. Never mind the fact that he is a professional hunter, which is disgusting in and of itself, but he has a nasty habit of being a cunt in the public eye. Lest we forget, late last year when Phil gave an interview in GQ. When asked what he considered sinful, Phil replied: "Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there.
Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that
woman and those men."

Okay, fine. He's homophobic and slut shaming. Whatever. He's not the first person to do so and he won't be the the last. (And honestly, what do people expect from this family? A pride parade?) But after facing public backlash, he took the comments a step further. "Jesus will take sins away," he said. "If you're a homosexual, he'll take it away.
If you're an adulterer, if you're a liar, what's the difference?"

There are definitely a few differences, but we won't get into it. A&E condemned Phil's comments and suspended him from the show, a decision I never fully agreed with. Nine days later, they lifted the ban, a decision I definitely didn't agree with. (Honorable mention for Cunt of the Week: A&E for having no backbone or conviction; who cares what your decision is, just stick with it!)

And then he did it again:

You say, 'why’d they get mad at you?’ Cuz instead
of acknowledging their sin, like you had better do, they railed against
me for giving them the truth about their sins. Don’t deceive
yourselves. 'Is homosexual behavior a sin?' the guy asked me. I said,
'do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God?
Don’t be deceived. Neither the sexually immoral, nor the idolators, nor
adulterers nor male prostitutes, nor homosexual offenders, nor thieves,
nor greedy, nor drunkards, nor slanderers, nor swindlers will inherit
the kingdom of God!

And again:

I'm actually a nice man. I'm trying to help those poor souls and turn them to Jesus.

And again:

Whatever you do, whatever you do, go register to
vote, especially on this next presidential election! Register to vote,
and you ought register for the House and the Senate too! Get your tail
down there and vote this ungodly bunch out of Washington, D.C.

And then there's nice commentary on the civil rights movement:

I never, with my eyes, saw the mistreatment of any black person. Not once. Where we lived was all farmers. The blacks worked for the farmers. I hoed cotton with them. I’m with the blacks, because we’re white trash. We’re going across the field … They’re singing and happy. I never heard one of them, one black person, say, ‘I tell you what: These doggone
white people’—not a word!… Pre-entitlement, pre-welfare, you say: Were they happy? They were godly; they were happy; no one was singing the blues.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Onetime friends and lifelong frenemies Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian have a lot of things in common. For one, they're both famous for being famous celebrated for just being themselves! Ever since Kim's family became reality royalty, she and Princess Paris have been constantly compared to one another. I've already touched upon their friendship while discussing the Cult of the Frenemy, but now it's time to decide just who's the better socialite.

Childhood (aka $$$)

Paris had a bitchin childhood, being carted around to various Hilton suites and boarding schools on both coasts. She was rolling in the dough and grew up with a bunch of friends who would eventually become famous as well. (Nicole Richie says hi!) Kim had a more traditional upbringing, and while she was not exactly slumming it in Calabasas, she wasn't as massively wealthy (we've all seen the house that family lived in at the beginning of the show!) as Paris and had few to no famous friends. This round goes to Paris!

Famous For...

I know what you're gonna say here. Both of these ladies are famous for their respective sex tapes. But did you know they had names for themselves before that?

Paris began modeling at charity events at age 19 before she was eventually signed to Donald Trump's modeling agency, because who knew that was a thing? She started appearing on fashion magazine covers, and soon after in gossip columns for her hard partying ways. Of course, it really was The Simple Life, her reality show co-starring Nicole Richie, that put her on the map. And why was the show so successful? Her sex tape, 1 Night in Paris, which was "never intended for release," just so happened to have leaked right before the show premiered.

While Kim's father made a name for himself (more on that later), she got most of her media exposure through her friendship with Paris. She was a personal shopper and stylist for several A-list stars, but it was Paris who decided to trot Kim out onto the red carpet. That was probably her biggest mistake, because when Kim's sex tape leaked in early 2007, everyone forgot she was Paris' friend. E! quickly offered her a reality show and the rest is history. Because Kim got to where she was by riding on Paris' coattails and having an "anything you can do, I can do better" attitude, this round goes to Kim!

Strength in Numbers

It's always best to have an army behind you when you're in the spotlight. We've already discussed how Paris had more famous friends than Kim, but what about their family? Paris has Nicky, but as we mentioned oh so long ago, she's the other sister, and that's never good enough.She also has two nameless brothers who don't get her anywhere. And I guess you can count her two "actress" aunts (aka washed-up Real Housewives stars), but I don't.

Kim, on the other hand, has a laundry list of famous kin. Her father is Robert Kardashian, OJ Simpson's lawyer (we'll just leave that one alone), and her stepfather is Olympian Bruce Jenner. Through their reality show, mother Kris, brother Rob, and sisters Kourtney and Khloé also became famous. Not to mention, Kim's stepbrother is The Hills star Brody Jenner. Clearly, Kim wins this round!

Reality Queens

Who has the better reality show? The Simple Life is obviously iconic, as it showcased Paris and Nicole trying to live like normal Americans, usually to unsuccessful but hilarious results. Keeping Up With the Kardashians is more of a ~*documentary*~ series that shows the daily lives of the fam. It's both funny and, at times, dramatic. Both shows are great, but the Kardashians get props for not making it so obvious that the show is scripted, as well as for their countless spin-offs. Paris has had a few reality shows after The Simple Life, but nobody remembers what they are. Take it home, Kim!

Other Ventures

Between clothing lines, perfumes, and attempted acting gigs, Paris and Kim kind of cancel each other out here. But what about music? Kim's "Jam" was the very first Jam of the Week on Tommy Time. But Paris managed to record an entire album that actually received mixed reviews (versus the universal pan that Kim's single received). This round goes to Paris!

Personal Lives

Being a professional socialite basically means that you're only as interesting as your personal life. Paris Hilton's dating life is full of a bunch of nobodies (literally don't know their names) and B-listers (Nick Carter). I've never agreed with Kim K's dating choices (Nick Cannon... Seriously?), and she did have that whole 72-day marriage thing, but she's happily married with a baby without the substance abuse rumors and arrests Paris has accumulated. As if I had to say it, this round goes to Kim!

So, it's clear Kim is the better socialite. And Paris can't even be mad, because she invented the game, and Kim just played it better. You go, girl!

Monday, June 23, 2014

If you've given up on JLo because of one too many Pitbull collaborations, it's time to get the fuck over it, because bitch is back and truly better than ever. Returning to her urban roots after a questionable dip in the dance genre, Jennifer Lopez's new album AKA is full of jams, the most JoW-worthy of which is "Expertease".

Obviously, it's a masterful play on words, so it's already super fun. But it has an insanely catchy hook ("Let me show my expertise, I'm an expert tease, and you know it.") Not only that, but the chorus is preceded by a pre-chorus that's amazing. So you're jamming, thinking you're at the chorus, and then it hollers into the actual chorus and you're just over the moon.

Friday, June 20, 2014

She been up all night, tryna get that rich, she been work-work-work-work-working on her shit. And it got her here, as Bitch of the Week! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you that I-G-G-Y, Miss Iggy Azalea.

If you've been living under a rock for the past six months and "Fancy" isn't your jam, let me tell you a lil something about Iggy Azalea. She's a musical genius; if Nicki Minaj and Kesha had a kid, it would be Iggy. She's been slaying us with jams for months now, but it turns out she's been bitching it up since day one.

Iggy was born in Australia, which explains why she's so hot. She's so scrumptious, in fact, that she infamously had to stop crowd surfing because errybody was trying to finger her!

As a teenager, she scrubbed floors. But Iggy knew she was destined for something far greater and hollered right on over to the US of A at age 16. She told her parents she was going on vacation (or, on "holiday," in her words) but just never came back. #aight

She made the rounds in the Miami rap scene and eventually got viral exposure for her song "Pu$$y", which is iconic and includes a tasteful vaginal Skittles analogy. Then, T.I. stepped in and made Iggy his protege.

Iggy continued slaying these hoes (trigga on the gun like), which unfortunately meant dealing with the occasional hate. Looking at you, Azealia Banks!

But Iggy is the one laughing at the end. "Fancy" is currently the #1 song in the country, and her debut album topped the rap charts, making her the first white person with a vagina to do so. Not only that, but she dresses as last Bitch of the Week Cher Horowitz in her music video for "Fancy". So, yeah.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

The reigning Cunt of the Week is none other than Farrah Abraham. If you're not familiar with her, you're at least familiar, or have heard of, the world she comes from. Farrah rose to prominence as a "star" of the reality TV series 16 and Pregnant and its subsequent spin-off Teen Mom.

At first, she was one of the more normal girls on the show. She seemed sweet, and her pregnancy seemed like an honest mistake; and not only did her abusive mother deny her an abortion, but her boyfriend and the father of her child died in a car accident eight months into her pregnancy. She even tried to do the right thing and go to culinary school. You couldn't help but feel sorry for her.

Then it all fell apart when her reality as a teen mom was overshadowed by her reality as, well, a reality star.

In August 2012, she released a memoir and a debut album, both titled My Teenage Dream Ended. What else ended? Teen Mom that same year. Girlfriend was in serious need of a new gig. That came in the form of a sex tape the following year.

Farrah tried to claim the tape was for personal use. The problem? Her partner on the tape was well-known porn star James Deen, who claimed that Farrah hired him to do the tape and even tried to convince him to pretend to date her. Farrah slammed James and called him a liar, but eventually admitted to having purposely leaked the tape. She said it was "[celebrating] your awesome body [and getting] your own sexy shots."

Mmhmm.

Two separate tapes were released by Vivid Entertainment. Farrah then went and made a career out of appearing at porn conventions and strip clubs, but later claimed that the sex tape ruined her life.

Um, yeah, and probably your daughter's!

Since then, she's gotten back into music, which is just a hobby, guys. She swears it's not a career move! She's also writing a trilogy of erotic novels because, why not? If her entire career thus far has proved anything, it's that she likes anything having to do with sex, no matter the consequences.

That's how she became the most-searched reality star of 2013. And any time you take out a Kardashian like that, you best believe you're ending up on the Cunt of the Week list.

Still need convincing? Here are some quotes from the teen mom:

On waxing her toddler daughter's eyebrows while she's sleeping: "I actually get a lot of fan mail from girls who were younger who did have unibrows and they only wished that their moms would have helped them out."

"This is a weird position. It's like how I gave birth to my daughter."

When confronted with the word elaborate: "A library?"

On being a feminist (I kid you not, this was her response to being asked if she was a feminist): "I’m pretty feminine. I think so…What does that mean, you’re a lesbian or something?"

On her DUI: "I was drinking throughout the night but I was just getting drinks from friends and I was not really trying to drink."

Also on her DUI: "I did not endanger anyone's life."

On sex tape co-star James Deen: "I don't need to talk negatively about someone because I have nothing
good to say. He should really just get out of the porn industry because
things have gotten to his head, he disrespects women, and his penis is
small. I haven't seen many but his definitely was not big."

On being a single mother but also a businesswoman: "I'm probably one of the best parents you're ever gonna meet. So I learn
how to balance this. I feel like if I can't show my true self, and if I
can't explore who I am, then it would be lying to myself and I would
stunt my growth. So if I feel like opening up a restaurant, opening up a
gentlemen's club, opening up a children's clothing store, and doing
songs, books, everything that I feel like doing, I'm going to do it. It
suits me well. That's who I am."

Also, if you're worried about Farrah's financials, feel free to buy her something from her Amazon wish list. She's asking all her fans to do so!

Monday, June 16, 2014

While it always goes without saying that whenever Maroon 5 is discussed, there is an obligatory but unspoken moment of grieving for the band that once was, it's important we try to appreciate their continued efforts to bring us new jams. "Maps" is an epic feat in that department.

"Maps", the lead single off their upcoming fifth album, is in the same vain as "Moves Like Jagger" and "One More Night" or anything off of Overexposed. It's poppy and made for the treadmill and dance floor. And that shouldn't come as a surprise. OneRepublic Ryan Tedder (who has written basically every smash song for artists like Beyoncé, Demi Lovato, and Kelly Clarkson) and Max Martin (a hit-maker for Britney Spears and Katy Perry) are both credited as songwriters.

The song explores the theme of searching for love, as Adam Levine sings, "All the roads you took came back to me / So I'm following the map that leads to you."