Happy Birthday! If you remember your birthday at all last year (If I recall you went on a pub crawl, so you may not) we celebrated your birthday on LTT with birthday greetings from the Cullens.

Well, they’re too busy this year impressing men with their ability to fight as opposed to letting us women peek in our their most intimate moments together, which is why we liked their story in the first place (no I didn’t just watch the Oprah Eclipse trailer for the first time & noooo I don’t think they’re pushing hard to capture a male audience. Why would you think that!?) so I thought I’d check in with some our favorite Twilight actors & LTT-characters for birthday wishes for you. Well, let me be clear- I have no interaction with these people… but if I did, I’m SURE this is what they’d say:

Jackson:

Moon for your birthday I promise to shower & look like my picture to the left for at least 24 hours. PLUS, I’ll even put down the guitar and come over and watch all my episodes from The OC with you. Then I’ll act out the baseball scene from Twilight. And show you what else I can do with my bat.

Rob:

I know that every time I’m photographed out and about some where in LA you lament, “UH why was he THERE? He needs ME to show him where to hang out in LA.” Well, for your birthday I’ll let you be my LA travel guide. We can start with brunch at the little cafe down the hill from your house where UC loves to get coffee (you know- the one across from the pot smoker’s coffee shop- if we wanna stop in there later, I know a girl who can score us some weed), and then we’ll hit the thrift shops that the paparazzi don’t know about, followed up by a trip to Amoeba Music to check out their record collection (Slightly obvious, but I figured you would’t HATE it if we happened to get photographed together). Then you can show me some of LA’s best, unknown beaches and after laying out in the sun Tyler & Ally style we’ll go back to your place for a little dance party- since I know you love those- but it’ll just be you and me. How does that sound? And I’d like to see your record collection so if you wanna lead me up to your bedroom and show me where you keep the music… well, then.. I wouldn’t mind lounging on your bed while you educate me with your fine music skills….and if you want to lounge on your bed also… I won’t mind. I’ll even pretend not to notice the Edward Cullen pillowcase starting up at me from the head of the bed… After the records are over I hope you don’t mind if I pick up the guitar in the corner by your closet. I wrote a little something with you in mind… I might mumble it while lounging on your bed, if that’s okay with you. It’s okay if you get emotional. It’s okay if you stare intently at me- I’ll be staring back. If you need me to hold you I’ll do that too, but I promise you… I have bigger plans in mind….I always treat my travel guides with the utmost care & respect. And after all, we both deserve a “happy ending” [Uh, is it getting hot in here? And did I just say that about a Moon/Rob fantasy?)

After the jump, find out if Moon gets her birthday wish- a Fake Lesbian story starring her, Nikki & Kristen! Continue reading →

I’ve been reminiscing. Reminiscing about a time before the drama of “Is David Slade or isn’t David Slade being replaced by a taller director?” and “Are Rob & Kristen really making love for hours on end in front of a fire on a bear skin rug or are they just banging quickly on a leopard printed one?” I was thinking back to YOUR time- when casting announcements were just being announced for the movies, a petition was being sent around to have Rob replaced in the films & Big Daddy hadn’t yet become a household name. Melissa Rosenberg hadn’t yet penned “How you likin’ da rain Arizona,” and Cathy Hardi was still hard at work coming up with a list of “terrible, awful, no good lines for Rob Pattinson to say when Kristen Stewart first climbs on his back.” Sigh… those were the good ol’ days.

Actually, I wasn’t around then but I would have been if I had known better. However, as I’ve read every page and seen every image the internet has to offer about the Twilight saga & its actors, I’ve discovered that things were different back then. Things were different before. Before the hype. Before the drama. Before there were promo photos, videos and interviews. Before anyone knew any better….. This stuff was made:

Back when Edward Cullen, the 21st century’s Romeo, was seen as a vampire with a mullet and loved a heroine who young enough to give Chris Hansen a MAJOR career booster.

Back when Pete Wentz was someone’s dream Edward Cullen

Back when a REAL Native American was expected to play Jacob

Back when Ronald McDonald fought a random Italian dude for Bella’s love

Back when no one was good enough for Rob Pattinson, so Ariel had to fill in

Was Ashlee Simpson someone’s dream Rosalie? Check it out after the jump!Continue reading →

In order to best understand today’s very random letter, think about a cheesy teen store that sold cheap prom dresses in the 90’s. Got one in mind? Okay, THAT’s who I’m writing to today…. ready…. set…READ:

Dear The Rave/The Deb/Mandee/Claire’s Jewelry and all The 90’s versions of Forever 21 and H&M,

I’ve missed you. When I was 13 and thought it was cool to wear over-sized men’s Adidas t-shirts, you were always there for me. And when I was given a $50 budget maximum for my dress to the winter semi-formal of December 1998, you were the perfect place to find a sparkley, pink, thick strapped evening gown that would satisfy my dad’s requirement of modesty AND still leave me with $4.99 to stop on over at After Thought’s for a crazy blinged out necklace/ring/bracelet combo that would lose a gem 5 minutes after I walked into the jr. high gym.

The 90's can kiss my sexy ass

The reason I’m writing is because I saw your recent ad campaign with Nikki Reed. Beautiful choice, going with a Twilight star. Verizon is doing it. Anti-smoking campaigns are doing it. Hot Topic did it and now you are using Twilight to further your marketing goals and sell your formal dresses so glitzy that Miley Cyrus even passed up carrying the line for Wal-mart.

I look forward to being able to participate in “one stop shopping” when I stop in some night after work to pick up a babydoll dress to pair with an over-sized blazer and chunky platform, square-toed shoes and ALSO pick up the latest Twilight merchandise. Will you have a ying yang necklace with Bella & Jacob’s pictures on the back?

Clicky for maximum LOLs

Great thinking putting Nikki in that dress. I’m not sure exactly the vibe I get but I know it’s somewhere between having a margarita made in your mouth at Senor Frogs in Cancun and losing your virginity in the back of Tommy Crestler’s ’93 camero on the night of senior prom. Good job with the styling! Are the shoes from Charlotte Russe’s 2 pair for $15 line? I love a good deal on a pair of shoes you can wear for and entire 4 hours before the heel snaps off.

In a world where Twilight stars like Ashley Greene are featured in ad campaigns for SOBE in Sports Illustrated, and Anna Kendrick is nominated for an Oscar and smiling on the pages of every major magazine on the shelves along with Kristen Stewart who is getting a solo Vogue cover, it’s nice to see Nikki Reed keeping it real in clothing us ‘little people’ could have afforded in 1997 can afford after getting a make over at the Clinique counter right before scrunching her hair with a little “LA Looks” mousse. If someone like Nikki can go from a (rumored) hook up with Rob Pattinson to doing ads for what I can only assume are discontinued stores from the 1990s, then there’s hope for all of us to go from our little unimportant lives to a future (rumored) hook up with Rob Pattinson.

Darling readers: I watched football (the American kind- not soccer) last night. AKA the sport that’s been proven to cause brain damage in its players. And therefore I believe it has caused brain damage to its watchers. (It’s the only explanation I can come up with for ANYONE thinking that “Coors Light” (the official beer of the NFL) is worth drinking) and as a result I cannot lead today’s Twilosophy discussion. But have no fear, we have a fan letter to act as your teacher today! XO, UC

Dear Hollywood Twilight,

I will open this letter by admitting one thing…you had already turned Twilight into a movie before I began reading the books. I knew you existed, but out of complete disinterest, I knew nothing about the movies or the actors within.

Then my curiosity began to grow over these books that my educated, married, adult girlfriends were enraptured with. I knew they were written for teenage girls, so why in the world would my coworkers be so enthralled? So I decided to give Twilight a shot. And I fell hard. I should not have, but I did. The book made me swoon. I wanted more. I needed more.

Let me pause and tell you that I fancy myself an educated woman. I have an advanced engineering degree in a very specialized field from one of the most prestigious engineering schools in the country. I have always been an avid reader. My personal favorites belonged mostly on an assigned reading list for a literature class rather than in the young adult section…even when I was a young adult. There was no reason I should like these books.

But I did. Oh, Hollywood Twilight, I loved those books.

The "real" Edward Cullen?

They resurrected someone in me with whom I had not spoken in a long time. The girl who dreamed that the perfect man existed. The man who was smart without being obnoxious, athletic without being prideful, attractive without the narcissism, gentle without being weak, and a gentleman without being corny. I had once imagine this perfect man existed. It was a happier time before the world introduced me to reality. I dreamed of Edward, although he never previously had a name. Now that I had read these books though, “Edward” would work. It seemed to fit.

I saw your movie adaptation of Twilight and was disappointed, appalled even. You know, Hollywood Twilight, it is your line of work that is supposed to bring stories to life. But you failed. You failed miserably. I was heartbroken that the Forks in my head was so much more realistic than the town you portrayed in that terrible excuse for cinematography. As an engineer, I should not be able to conjure up more desirable images in my head than you can on stage. But I did. And it made me throw up a little in my mouth.

But you know. I am a forgiving person. You didn’t have much of a budget. I can excuse that. You were born out of a cult following. I can get over it. The atrocity that was your movie didn’t stay with me long. It (the movie and the experience) was less than memorable.

Should've been Edward Cullen

As the release of New Moon approached, I became excited. I knew a bigger budget and a new director meant something good for this movie. I reread the series, including Midnight Sun and my Forks was alive once again. I began following blogs like LTT and LTR. I was so enthralled with what was to be. I began drowning in photos and trailers of actors and characters and sets, and all of their personal drama. It was very much like that teenage girl in me was flourishing again…following Hollywood drama liked I honestly cared.

And I was not disappointed this time. This movie was much more like what had played in my head originally. Sure there are discrepancies from the book, but I can handle a few of those. This one was more along the lines of my dream-scape.

But oh, Hollywood Twilight, it was not until last night that I realized the extent to which you have affected my life. I had no idea how far-reaching your ugly hand could reach. You see, last night I settled in for a nice long, bubble bath. I wanted–no needed–to escape the chaos of the day and the exhaustion that results from motherhood. So I grabbed Twilight off the bookshelf for the first time since last June. It would give me a dose of guilty-pleasure reading that I needed. An escape from reality.

As I got to that first cafeteria scene, I stopped dead in my tracks. I re-read it. I was mortified. I wanted badly to bang my head into the side of the bathtub to get the images out of my head, but thought that might cause great distress when my husband came running to find out what I was doing. You see, Hollywood Twilight, you have invaded my fantasies. The Edward that I had fallen in love with was no longer there in that book. It was Robert-freaking-Pattinson. WHY?!?! I read it about 3 times trying to get the imagine of him as Edward out of my head, but he just would not go away. Curse you, Hollywood Twilight. Curse you.

The Fan choice for Edward Cullen- TomStu

You see…I’m not a fan of Mr. Pattinson. I know there are others who will vehemently disagree with me, and I can respect their opinions. But he is not MY Edward. My Edward was very different. Not a bad acting, sullen, sparkly Edward who needs to find some tweezers for those brows, but my own personal reverie.

So now I wish you to know that while I will continue reading the series again, I am afraid that the saga is ruined for me. I will now probably take much more notice of the repetitive adjectives, the impracticality of this teenage girl’s interaction with other people including her father, the holes left in the plot by the over-fictionalization of vampire lore. I will probably notice much more that Jacob was so much better for Bella than Edward, and that from a psychologist’s point of view, Bella had some real dependency issues (and Edward was quite the stalker). That’s right, Hollywood Twilight. You’ve killed my dream.

With Kristen Stewart at Sundance finding herself a new fake lesbian life partner and Rob growing a beard and packing on the pounds before he starts filming Bel Ami, the rest of the Twilight cast is heaving a sigh of relief thinking their off LTT’s radar at the present moment.

Not so fast

Today we’re going to explore what the cast members of Twilight are doing with their time off. We’re going to provide you with all the information you’ve never wanted to know about where people like Justin Chon and Michael Welch spend their days when they’re not Twilight promo-ing it up.

What fake tan?

Where’s our favorite naked girl been, Ashley Greene? Not to be outdone by Kristen Stewart into “Welcome to the Rileys,” is she currently walking Santa Monica Ave looking for some real life prostitution experience? Has she been stripping at Jumbos Clown Room but donating her earnings to a Haitian relief fund? I don’t know. Maybe. Why don’t we hop on over to WhereIsAshleyGreene
GonnaBeNakedNext.com to find out. Oh look! Her latest spread (ahem) is in Savvy Magazine which a magazine no one has heard of. Well, their 300 twitter followers have heard of them.

Will she be showing up to the Grammys on Sunday with one Mr. Jared Followhill of Kings of Leon (her New Moon premiere date)? Did she pay off the 16 year old cleaning the booths at the Hollywood Tan with naked pictures of Rob (stolen from Nikki Reed’s private collection) in order to stay under the bulbs for 45 minutes longer than the legal limit?

Ashley wears short jorts

Is she starring in a remake of that famous 80’s Nair commercial “Who wears short shots” with the new improved lyrics: “Who wears short jorts. Nail wears short jorts?”

I think so.

What about Anna Kendrick? Oh yeah, she’s been winning the hearts of Hollywood and being nominated left and right for “Best Supporting Actress”. She’s also been busy practicing the look on her face for when she loses every award she’s up for to Mo’nique. She calls it her “frownsmile.” She’ll look sad enough to show she wanted to win badly, but happy enough to prove she’s a gracious loser.

Also she’s been talking about George Clooney and Rob Pattinson EVERYWHERE. And let’s be honest, that’s not a bad gig

Throughout this letter I’m going to use something called sarcasm. Unfamiliar? Read this. Many people hate Kristen Stewart because they are sadface that she is (apparently) with Robert Pattinson. I am one of them. I cannot judge Kristen Stewart fairly without thinking of her with Robert Pattinson. She does a commercial for cat litter and surrounds herself with 18 little white kittens? I hate it because all I can think about is how she gets to do Rob Pattinson after she gets to play with all those adorable kittens. In Adventureland she does a sex scene with a douche-bag married to a Woody Allen darling? She is an automatic awful fake movie sexer because she’s having the real sex with Rob Pattinson. Remember, Read this if you have any questions.

Dear Twilosophy Debate Class 101,

Today we’re going to have a healthy debate. Any questions?

Why are you opening THIS can of worms when we have had peace on LTT for awhile and Robsteners/Nonsteners/Swiftners/Non-Swiftnerers (Wait a second- WHO could be a Non-Swiftnerer? Seriously? Have you seen these two? So freakin’ adorable) have been getting along?

Well, I’ve been thinking a lot about this topic and when I think of stuff I like to share it with the LTT community. Also KStew411 tweeted this amazing video and I really needed a reason to post it

The beginning

Kristen and I had a rocky beginning. First of all she kissed Adam Brody in In the Land of Women, and that’s when I knew I would hate her for eternity. Plus that movie sucked and that pains me to say because I heart Adam Brody something fierce. I remember being very underwhelmed by all the performances in that movie, not just Kristen’s. I’ll have to break it out again to decide for sure what I think of her specifically, but I’d rather die than do that. So let’s just leave it at that.

Bitch! Seriously, I'll facepunch you so hard....

And then came Twilight. I walked away consumed with the desire to FACE PUNCH her except I didn’t know it was that desire since FACE PUNCH doesn’t get referenced until New Moon. “SHE gets to DO Rob Pattinson!?” I thought. (Except I didn’t think that since I didn’t think they were DOING it then since I was underwhelmed by their on-screen chemistry and knew nothing of the off screen rumors.) I was confused. I thought her casting was SPOT ON for the character of Bella. But her portrayal of Bella….? Well, it took me awhile to put it into words, but let’s just leave it at- I wasn’t so crazy about it. (Refer to the above video for many of the reasons why)

New Moon

I feared a Twilight repeat. I did. So much of that movie hinged on Kristen’s ability to make us believe in her pain. I came away from that midnight showing really happy with what I saw! I believed her! I felt her loss. I even shed a tear or two even though I knew that Edward would eventually come back and then they’d have some awesome make-out scenes complete with an EPIC Leg Hitch (Don’t do it and DIE, David Slade) and would eventually skinny-dip in the ocean after which they’d do it in probably the most talked about fade-to-black scene ever written, finally resulting in the birth of a half-human, half-vampire genius-child who would be imprinted upon by a werewolf. I cried even though I knew that would happen. (Actually, that’s probably why I cried. Couldn’t he just STAY and give her amazing birthday sex?) Also I didn’t cry until Lykke Li’s “Possibility” came on because I feel emotions through music. Plus, Kristen had my FAVORITE line in all of New Moon. Listen for it here in this clip, courtesy of Brookelockart’s pirated copy of the movie:

Click for awesomeness

So… why the sudden change of heart towards Kristen? Were my expectations SO low for the movie that surpassing them wasn’t that hard to do (That’s actually possible) Did she REALLY step it up a notch this movie? Was Chris Weitz a better director for her? Clearly I just forgot that she was banging Rob with his absence. Instead I thought about flowers, kittens and Swiftner. Or maybe Stewner- yes… that’s right! While watching the movie I invented, in my mind, a real relationship between Kristen & Taylor. She makes him homemade protein shakes while he improves his pectoral muscles. It’s a beautiful relationship. And an obvious one. How else would she know that Taylor carries around little baggies of meat patties? You know, I bet Kristen even bags Tay’s meat patties for him in NAME-BRAND baggies. She loves him that much. Best of all Rob is single & Taylor Swift writes an amazing break-up song that brings me to tears until the end when a wolf is mauled to death by a bear (because afterall, Kristen let us in on a little secret- “They’re Not Bears“) Continue reading →