An odd and contradictory day began with my Saturday morning breakfast buddies. They were all so fractious! I ate a three cheese pizza with prosciutto. It was delicious.

The night before was spent chatting with the other who was drunk and emotional. Today I invited him to come with me to London but the ‘pressure’ was just too much. Apparently it is hard to just be friends when we are still awash with uncharted feelings.

The truth is I am just not as involved as I was. I am ACTIVELY seeking other men to fall in love with. An invitation is an invitation and that’s that. Whereas before I would find his indifference and hesitation devastating asking many times if he would change his mind-this time there will be no repeat invitation.

Jennie moved out of her apartment here in Hollywood and in with her west side boyfriend.

I received some bad, bad news yesterday whilst on my way home from Malibu and it took a whole 24 hours to process what to do next-waiting for the next intuitive thought. Bad news bottom line: the little dog and I will be making our way to London and Paris for longer than I expected. Perhaps for three months. Perhaps it means making my movie there rather than here. Perhaps it’s all for the best. Anyway, I can’t write the detail because the devil is in the detail.

Today, I attended two fundraisers and was asked on two dates. I declined-kindly declined.

I discovered that my heart was still taken by the attentions of folk who live elsewhere and even though I have no intention of rekindling any sort of relationship or entertaining the idea of a relationship ever again with the folk who live elsewhere (and even though I am actively searching to have a relationship with a man who might live on my very street) it would be unfair to anyone who is interested in me to get involved whilst there are unresolved and deeply held complex feelings.

Everyone is a little bit discombobulated at the moment. A li’l bit prone to rudeness. A fat red haired woman trod on the little dog with such force that he screamed and emptied his anal glands all over a very posh shop.

I had a lovely dinner with Jane in WeHo then wandered home, throngs of young people with big smiles on their faces weaving up Sunset Boulevard.

12 CommentsComments are closed.

Was worried for you. “Life-altering bad news” is a scary phrase. I am glad that you are bearing up. I am sorry for the fact that you may be gone from us here in the States for so long, but I’m betting that you’re UK & continental friends are gladdened that your visit may be extended. But you know what they say about the fat lady singing (Not the one in the posh shop. A pox on her for being so unconscious as to hurt ‘Lil Dog.

No… the one who sings at the end of the opera. 😉 When something threatening looms on my horizon, even if there’s a drop deadline, I always say “Has anything bad happened yet? In reality? God’s timing — being outside time — can be billions of years to a yoctosecond (that’s one septillionth of a second, folks, and you thought a measly nanosecond — at one billionth — was fast.) or even faster. Things can turn on the proverbial dime, so don’t pack for the long haul yet. You never know. And like you said. Maybe not shooting the film in the US is a good thing for you even though YOU WILL BE MISSED BY US.

I hope that little dog is feeling better. Tummy & all. Here’s a blessing from the webpage for St. Francis of Assisi, the patron saint of animals:

For a sick animal:

Heavenly Father,
you created all things for your glory
and made us stewards of this creature.
If it is your will, restore it to health and strength.
Blessed are you, Lord God,
and holy is your name for ever and ever. Amen.

For all animals:

Blessed are you, Lord God,
maker of all living creatures.
On the fifth and sixth days of creation,
you called forth fish in the sea,
birds in the air and animals on the land.
You inspired St. Francis to call all animals
his brothers and sisters.
We ask you to bless this animal.
By the power of your love,
enable it to live according to your plan.
May we always praise you
for all your beauty in creation.
Blessed are you, Lord our God, in all your creatures! Amen.

FYI: On the 4th of October every year, you can celebrate the feast of St. Francis of Assisi by getting your pet blessed. 🙂

I’m glad that you had a lovely dinner. I’m sorry for the residual heartache and the scary stuff that’s popped up. Just shorten your sails & batten down your hatches if needs be and your lovely sloop will sail on. Fair winds and following seas.

honestly duncan, you remind me so much of me its embarrassing. embarrassing because i can sagely suggest now what i was so blind to bck then.

i will tell you what i tell my pigeons (or sponsees or whatever you call them). at this stage of the game there are 3 relationships for you to focus on, and everything else is a step away from your (emotional, sexual) sobriety.

your relationship with yourself, your higher power, and your sponsor; not necessarily in that order. don’t trust the little font of bright ideas from inside your head, in all probability that is not god speaking but your addiction struggling for control. there is a REASON why the 4th step says admitted to god, myself AND ANOTHER HUMAN BEING, and that is because we have taken the art of deceiving ourselves to new heights. i propose that until such time as you GENUINELY love yourself, you cannot love another, and until your co-dependency is dealt with you will be unerringly attracted to the sickest fuck on the block (no matter how solid he seems to the naked eye.) if i’m lying, i’m dying.

Namaste. Couldn’t agree more. Isn’t there a rule that you’re supposed to — wait — at least a year before getting into a relationship or making some other big change unless it’s absolutely unavoidable? The first year’s kinda like the shakedown cruise where you get your sobriety sea legs under you.

Sadly, co-dependency issues are like wearing a t-shirt advertising “Masochism is it’s own reward”. In flashing neon visible to almost everyone but you. But then you get to rip the damned thing off and choose a new one with a healthy slogan.

yeppers Jack, your right, and those same sick fcks somehow seem to find you..like your waving a red cape, they just seem to know that your doomed to repeat the same mistake over and over till you fix whats broken.
And D, think about it, what kind of friend would want you to take a chance on your sobriety? perhaps you going back over the pond will put you in a better position to deal with your wee demons that seem to pop up. whenever I struggle, work is the answer. keeps the mind and body too occupied to wander off in the land of no return. have a quality Sunday. smooches and hugs to lil dog, not all people are so rude as to step on a dog and not realize it. oy.

My heart truly goes out to you! I know how devastating the loss of a pet is and that the pangs never go away. It is ok to take the time to mourn & grieve the loss of your beautiful big dog. I just lost my pet and it is overwhelming to think that after two weeks it is not getting easier. I read “The Art Of Racing In The Rain” (Stein) last Sunday and wonder if you’ve ever read this book?
Keep up and know that time will (eventually) lessen the pain. You are so strong to maintain your sobriety~ I am in awe! You get a gold star. peace

My gut tells me that your bad news may turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to you. God/the Universe/a Higher Power sometimes has to nudge a person (or push them) into the direction that best serves them. I truly hope this is the case for you.

And a big AMEN to Jack and his take on co-dependency: I completely relate to that statement and my wish for you is that you co-no-mo’

This is my fav blog, I feel I know you and the wonderful people here.
The replies are all bang on, what a fantastic group of people who have such amazing insightful offerings for you, Jack, you make sense, your observations are felt when you write.
Metal Rabbit, you make me smile inside.The prayers for animals are perfect.
I agree with Gabby, I believe that you are being sent in a new direction which will protect you. Set your sails and follow the stars, may you sail on a peaceful sea.
Poor little dog, how frightened she must have been, I hope the lady apologised.I am taking my little dog to the vet today, he has a pink lump on his eye, he is a rescue from a Amish puppy mill, was in a cage for 3 years, could hardly walk, they even cut his vocal cords so he could not bark, he is an English toy spaniel, with the help of my new puppy he is finally learning how to play. Oh the cruelty of man.

Thanks Robb, thats not what my husband said 2 weeks later after a protest rallt at said Amish hell hole, you see I came home with aged chocolate spaniel and flea ridden pug.
He stood on the porch arms crossed and said to his mate, ‘She’s dead’.
hee heh, of course he got over it and I found homes for the 2 angels so all was well. I have however, been banned from going anywhere near anything that has ‘amish’ and ‘Dog’ in the same sentance.