Feb 11 Punditry-Schmunditry

I had to turn down the sound on CNN while I watched the returns on Super Tuesday because I can't stand pundits. Mostly because they are annoying and dumb. The reason I know they are dumb is because I am REALLY smart. I rarely agree with anything pundits say, so ipso-facto, they are wrong.

And dumb.

They think they have this whole primary and election thing figured out, but they don't. I on the other hand, do. I will relay the following scenarios to you in the form of a list, thereby giving it the appearance of an authoritative source.

1. The winner of the State primaries (Let's call him "Barack Obama" for short), is affirmed by the Superdelegates and goes on to become the Democratic nominee. Given the wide appeal and popularity of this "Barack Obama", he is able to defeat the Republican nominee handily. While he is being sworn-in there is a huge commotion as a unicorn is seen jumping over a rainbow. Everyone lives happily ever after.

2. The Superdelegates are not confident that our fictional, "Barack Obama" can win in the general election against the Republican nominee. Despite him winning a majority in the State primaries, the Superdelegates think it wiser to put forward a more seasoned candidate, (Let's call her "Hillary Clinton"). The populous feels they have been disenfranchised and view this move as further, "politics as usual," Democratic voter turnout in the general election is low.

On the Republican side however, the party energizes and galvanize in an effort to oppose "Hillary Clinton". For whatever reason they despise her with the, red-heat of one thousand suns. The Republican nominee wins and very wealthy people live happily ever after.

3. The above scenario happens but "Hillary Clinton" manages to win the popular vote by a narrow margin. The Republicans find a secret cache of absentee ballots, stashed away in the back of a wardrobe for a precinct called "Narnia". The Republican nominee wins and again, very wealthy people live happily ever after. These proceedings appear suspicious and a small cadre of brave, lawyers attempts to sue the government. The Supreme Court refuses to hear the case and the lawyers end up in a far-off, fictional land called "Guantanamo".

4. Someone reads this list and it is forwarded all over the internets. I am invited to be a pundit on all of the major networks. I make one million dollars.

5. Nader wins.

So I guess people need ask themselves. Do they want brave, selfless lawyers to be tortured in Guantanamo? or do they want Unicorns and rainbows?