The Reasons Being Varied

I was am and continue to be intoxicated-ish as I write and post this, so I'm sorry if it's too whacked. A may regret posting this in the morning.

Again I find myself in the same position
bent over backwards
ass in the air
reaching for numbness.
Oh Blessed, boy!
Come to me lovey.
The drugs almost do it,
they get close
putting aside the metaphysical and literal itch
and the crying jags
and god baby I’m sensitive
but maybe if you rub it harder
it’ll rub the fuck off.
Someone
maybe not maybe baby
SOMEONE
something or something FUCKED me in the head.
And now I’m just a pile of shit
a pile of beautiful shit
who means well and might be a person
or something really beautiful
but just keeps breaking shit
and maybe is just is
secret sort of not good person inside.
And
I feel dirty
and roaringly sweetingly beautiful
And I want someone to fuck this fucking tear this shit apart
until it is raped
until it is raped of feeling
curtains/drapes torn down
and the couch ripped to cat shreds
And I want you the whoever to have it
because I just can’t anymore
and all these drugs did was try to give a voice
to what I was trying to lacerate.
I’m just it’s all
just overloading
raw until pain has no meaning or individual parts
numb is not a cessation
as defined but heretofore as found
numb is not desecration
but salvation
that can’t be found it’s been mislabeled
mislayed.
I want numb.
Do NOT overtake, overlay, overwhelm
misengage, disengage, disintegrative dissarray,
Having 50 million voices screaming in a limited nutshell
and not hearing the phone ring is not profound deafness
though it might lead to a dead on path for it
given some time.
The Reasons Being Varied.

ugh, i was right, I regretted this in the morning. I just had my wisdom teeth removed and they pumped me full of all sorts of drugs. The result was me, in pain, re-living old pain, and soooo not coherent. Sorry.