Day 24 Love vrs Lust...

I truly have never wanted for anything God hasn't provided to me and my family. Contentment is something that the Lord has blessed me with.

What I am learning though is that I am now obsessed and lusting after what was given to me, promised to me by God and now is uncertain.

I don't know these feelings that I have had since my husband first approached me that he wanted to leave me. Behaviors, insecurities, anger, grief, hopelessness, jealousy, have all infiltrated me and I didn't know how to deal with them.

I felt myself crying and wanting to scream at the top of my lounges "I WANT MY LIFE BACK!".

So this has been a journey as so many of these chapters I have never had to deal with within my heart or life until this tragic day when my husband came home and dropped a nuke in our lives.

If I had done the dare before this happened I would have never thought I could be capable of anger at God or bartering with him for my life back. Being angry at the one person who has loved me our whole lives.

It is getting back to the place where I don't want anything the Lord hasn't provided for me. even if that is not my family. This is a hard one to swallow. I haven't been able to say that I am not lusting for my husband or our life yet. I am much better then when I started this journey.

I can truly say Your will be done Lord, and then open one eye and say "But please let it be us healing and finishing the race together". :) work in progress...

I miss him a lot today, and he is right here with me. I miss being his and he being mine. Today is a sad day for me.

I think we all know the struggle. The need for a closure of sorts, God doesn't want to give a closure he wants us to just trust him in the moment, and as we trust him and look to him patiently in faith in this trail we "grow in patience, and our patience grows endurance and endurance produces hope and this hope does not put to shame (Romans 5)

I have been in the same place driving home the 2hr drive crying the whole way begging god for my life back, but since learning to give him all, he is faithful to give you the peace you need in that moment. you get only enough for the moment, then you have to learn it again.

The sooner you get to the place where you can let them go and focus on God alone the sooner you start loving them with a love that looks at them and sees their hurt and has unselfish compassion for them.

Your last sentences....Replace where you have he with He. And know He is right there with you. And long for Him knowing you are His and He is yours. and then today won't be such a sad day.

When we really come to the point of putting God first way above our spouse, not loving them less, and also realize God is truly our only source of comfort, because even the best spouse disappoints, the sad days become fewer or non existent, and peace and comfort are with us.

God gave me so much before this trial. I got used to it. Now I actually have to count my pennies. I didn't appreciate what I had. Maybe He needs to humble us. Just last night I prayed for my life back. I do that many times every day. God knows what I want but if He's going to give it back to me He has to prepare me and I admit I'm not ready. Are you?

Everyone who did evil in the Bible did so for God's purpose. It's strange to think that our spouses are being used by God for our benefit but that's what it is. I say I'm not ready back because even though I say I'm not lusting, when I sit back and look at the situation I have put my wife ahead of everything. Placed her as an idol. I have had a burning desire to have her back. That's what I see now and that's what I am working on getting rid of. We can't let our desire to get our spouses back interfere with God.

I'm very confident that God wants our families to continue. He hates divorce and intends us to be one flesh with our spouse for life. That's crystal clear. But in Exodus He hardened Pharaoh's heart multiple times in order to set up a moment in which He could show His power to the Egyptians and the Israelites. Our faith and obedience is what He really wants so one day He can show His power through us.