Stephen Colbert Opens the Emmys with Several Digs at Trump

Stephen Colbert kicked off his Emmys hosting gig with a musical number before diving into the stuff that truly matters in his opening monologue: thanking the first responders working tirelessly during Hurricanes Harvey and Irma, calling out Donald Trump, and congratulating Hollywood for patting itself on the back for its diversity efforts. In the final moments, Sean Spicer arrived on a podium to announced this show would have the biggest audience in Emmys history. Read the speech in full below.

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Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the 69th Emmy Awards, I'm your host, Stephen Colbert. Thank you very much. This is exciting. This is TV's highest honors. Us, celebrating us. Tonight we binge ourselves, can you feel it? This room is crackling with the collective energy of people who for the last 48 hours have consumed nothing but distilled water and Crest white strips. All the nominees look so beautiful this evening. So happy. So hopeful, just a reminder, if you do win, don't forget to thank everyone who helped you get up here, mainly Game of Thrones for not being eligible this year. Now personally, I have to take a moment here to thank CBS chairman Leslie Moonves, I literally have to thank him, it's in my contract.

Unfortunately, Les cannot be here tonight to receive my gratitude so I accept it on his behalf. We did it. But while we're thanking people, nobody deserves more thanks right now than our first responders. They have been working tirelessly. They have been working fire tirelessly following the disasters in Texas and Florida and we have to thank also the friends who showed up with the foods.

The neighbors with boats, the nuns with chainsaws, the complete strangers who stepped up to help rebuild. And if you haven't donated to hurricane relief yet, you still can by going to handinhand2017.com and giving generously. I believe Billy Eichner is still standing by to take your call. How is it going, Billy?

I apologize to all of you. Well, what a year it has been for television. I mean the industry is booming. There were over 450 original scripted shows made this year. Of course there is no way anyone could possibly watch that much TV other than the president, who seems to have a lot of time for that sort of thing. Hello, sir, thank you for joining us. Looking forward to the tweet. And there is never been more platforms to get your TV than right now. You have broadcast, you have cable, you have Amazon, you have YouTube, hulu, VuDu, Netflix, vit a mix, you have Vimeo, twich, crackle, cruncho, bumble, twerk, glorp. Flurp. Uber eyeball. And dintdy Moore stew.com. In the contract tomorrow, dintymoore has a 10-episode deal with Martin Scorsese, Liev Schreiber is playing a brooding chunk of meat. Yes, just like that but with carrots and potatoes around him.

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Of course these days everybody loves streaming video. Just ask Ted Cruz. But not first. You want to just walk in. Netflix alone raked in 92 Emmy nominations this year. Yes, sir. Why not. And may I remind you five years ago their hottest show was a scratch DVD of Finding Nemo. Now we've got amazing shows like Stranger Things. Millie Bobby Brown is here tonight.

She's amazing in that show. Proving once and for all that there are roles in Hollywood for women over 12. Of course. premium cable still has a ton of great shows. I'm sure HBO will take home a lot of Emmys tonight, which they'll have to melt down to pay for next year's hacker ransom. Too soon? Broadcast TV also had its triumph this year. Remember broadcast? The TV o.g. where it started? Broadcast TV is breaking new ground. In fact, this season CBS will have twice as many Sheldons as any other network in history. All the broadcast networks have put out great shows this past year. Like "This Is Us."Incredible. But seriously, Miles, are you going to die this season, right, give us a hint, do you slip in a bathtub, is it bad clams, are you mauled by a circus lion in a convenience store, what happens? I'm just saying, your fans want to see you dead. It's a compliment. And this has been a great area for diversity in television. In fact, for the third year in a row this is the most diverse group of nominees in Emmy history. That's impressive. I did not know you could applaud while patting yourself on the back at the same time. Well done. Lovely job. And there's so many talented African-American nominees, Jeffrey Wright, Viola Davis. Uzo Aduba. Anthony Anderson from ABC's "Black-ish." And of course Bill Maher.I assume he's black since he's so comfortable using the "N" word. I don't know. Good night, that's my time, everybody.

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There are so many stars here tonight. Oprah is in the front row right now. Yeah, Oprah was snubbed this year. What is wrong with you people? What in the Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks is wrong with you people? I'm so sorry, Oprah, I was really hoping this would be your breakout year. Hopefully next area you will have a better seat. I'm sorry. But if we're honest with ourselves, and as artists I think we have to be honest with ourselves, we know that the biggest TV star of the last year is Donald Trump. Yeah. No, you may not like it but he's the biggest star. You know, and Alec Baldwin, obviously, you know. You guys are neck and neck. And Alec, you're up against a lot of neck. However you feel about the president, and you do feel about the president, you can't deny that every show was influenced by Donald Trump in some way. All the late night shows, obviously. "House of Cards," the new season of "American Horror Story." And of course next year's Latin Grammys hosted by sheriff Joe Arpaio. Muy, caliente. And we all know the Emmys mean a lot to Donald Trump. Because he was nominated multiple times for "Celebrity Apprentice" but he never won. Why didn't you give him an Emmy? I tell you this, if he had won an Emmy, I bet he wouldn't have run for president. So in a way this is all your fault. I thought you people loved morally compromised antiheroes. You like Walter White. He's just Walter much-whiter. And he never foregave you and he never will. The president has complained repeatedly that the Emmys are rigged. He even went after the host a few years back tweeting, that "Seth Meyers is hosting the Emmy awards is a total joke. He is very awkward with almost no talent. Marbles in his mouth." Wow, marbles in his mouth. That's harsh. That's quite an accusation, any response, Seth?

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And even during the campaign Trump would not let it go. This actually happened. This exchange actually happened in the debate:

Hillary Clinton: There was even a time when he didn't get an Emmy for his TV program three years in a row and he started tweeting that the Emmys were rigged again.

Trump: Should have gotten it.

But he didn't. Because unlike the presidency, Emmys go to the winner of the popular vote. Where do I find the courage to tell that joke in this room? Of course what really matters to Donald Trump is ratings. You got to have the big numbers. And I certainly hope we achieved that tonight. Unfortunately at this point we have no way of knowing how big our audience is. I mean is there anyone who can say how big the audience is? Sean, do you know? [Sean Spicer enters on podium.]

This will be the largest audience to witness an Emmys, period. Both in person and around the world. Wow, that really soothes my fragile ego. I can understand why you would want one of these guys around. Melissa McCarthy, everybody. Give it up!

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