Rap for Grandma

That's what they said about Glenn Miller! Probably not, but people rioted over Igor Stravinsky's "The Rite of Spring." My point here is that I've heard some old-people music, so you should trust me.

Try as hard as you can to ignore the heavy beats, bob your head to the Emily Dickinson-simple meters and hold on until the soothing musical chorus -- which was likely stolen from some old song you like.

If these nine songs don't work for you, try some that Amazon didn't have: "You Got Me" by The Roots and "Eye Know" by De La Soul. If they fail, there's always Shawn Brown's "Rappin' Duke," which is done in the character of John Wayne. It's awful, but it will make you happy by remembering the past.

Enjoy the music -- and the irony that most rappers are about as comfortable with gay people as you are.