I’m going to show you a photo, and you won’t know what it is, except secretly you totally will and you won’t want to say anything in case you’re wrong, except you’re not. Here it is.

Ahem.

That, ladies and gentleman, is not only a woman’s personal massaging device, it is the oldest woman’s personal massaging device ever discovered. It was recently unearthed in Sweden, and is estimated to be between six and eight thousand years old. It is made of bone (giggle), specifically antler, which is kind of like horn (more giggle).