Her life was already caught in a downward spiral of divorce, the loss of her mother, health challenges and other changes when Deborah L. Greenslit won what she calls her pennies from hell.

Playing a penny slot machine, she took home a huge jackpot from Mohegan Sun casino. It was a big win, but it also turned out to be a big loss.

Her story is not about gambling, but gambling is part of the story. It is more about what she has come to realize about her life and ways to live a better life. She is nearing completion of a book titled “Living with a Loving Heart … Lessons Learned on Suffering and Pain,” and will be offering a presentation on the topic Feb. 9 in Sturbridge at the Sturbridge Host Hotel.

The quick evaporation of the money she won would be the worst part of anyone's life. For some it would come to define them, but Ms. Greenslit, 57, views it differently. She said the pennies from hell may have been the best thing that could have happened to her.

The loss of the money was humbling, she said, and she is sad in some ways because of what it could have meant for her. But it also got her to look more closely at herself and think more about what is really important in life. She said the lessons she gained, and now offers others, were lessons from heaven.

She learned that experiencing empathy and compassion for our struggles is when we can heal. She said that applies not only to her situation, but to many struggling in life.

Ms. Greenslit, of Rutland, is a psychotherapist and wellness specialist with two bachelor's and two master's degrees, a nursing degree and other educational accomplishments. She was also a runner who competed in 30 marathons, winning three. At one time she wrote a running column for the Telegram & Gazette.

On May 19, 2010, she visited the casino in Uncasville, Conn., planning to pick up a camera she had bought for her daughter's birthday. She was going to meet a friend there and was playing a penny slot machine when she hit what was called a progressive jackpot for $752,000.

It seemed at the time like a chance to reset her life. She had always been driven to achieve and this was a chance to be stable financially, but also to step back from the driven life and possibly buy a cottage on the beach that she and her late mother had always dreamed of. With all of the struggles she had been going through leading up to the jackpot, it seemed like her chance to dial back her life a little.

Instead, she found herself part of the casino's in-crowd. From the minute she won the jackpot, she had a hostess by her side, and a bottle of Dom Perignon champagne. After the jackpot was confirmed, she started enjoying the benefits of being a high roller at the casino. Soon she was back there gambling, and winning and bringing friends along for the ride. She did not just win, she kept winning.

“I won over $300,000 the first year,” she said.

It was the winning that hooked her in, but it couldn't last. From having won a total of well over $1 million, her fortunes eventually headed the other way. She did get a trip to New Orleans on a private jet, she had the best rooms at the casino, limousine service and tickets to the best shows, but eventually she found herself without the money, almost right back where she was before she won the jackpot.

She is better off in that she paid off some debt and was able to do some things for her family, but she did not get the life-changing experience people imagine they will get if they win a lottery or big jackpot.

It is going on three years, and she has found her way forward by focusing on what she always knew: that healing comes from awareness, understanding, learning, compassion and love. Judging, self-criticism, shaming or clinging to the past or catastrophic thoughts about the future do not work, she said.

“Humility is never fun, but I've been humbled by the difficult times into a personal growth that couldn't have been reached at this level without all the pain,” she said.

Ms. Greenslit said she was surprised that a disciplined person like herself, who could run marathons and achieved multiple degrees, could find herself sitting for hours at a slot machine. But the attraction of gambling, in part, is that it is not the discipline that ruled her life.

“Once I was there, it was hard to pull away,” she said.

She never did buy a cottage on the seacoast, though she does rent a place in Kennebunk, Maine.

By the beginning of last year the money was gone and her understanding was beginning to grow. She realized that her unhappiness may have been part of the reason she never spent the money on the cottage. Every place fell short of what she wanted, while, at the same time, the alluring glamour of the casinos kept draining the money.

“I often asked myself the question, 'Where did I go?', missing that self-assured, directed person that I had known,” she said. “I realized that I didn't go anyplace. I just had turned my head away from myself.”

Ms. Greenslit explains that mindfulness is about staying present from moment to moment, not being judgmental, but having compassion for ourselves and others. She said that being aware of oneself and one's pain, rather than finding distractions to avoid that focus, is the way toward living better. She said people need things outside of themselves.

“We need touch. We need relatedness. We need a sense of belonging and caring presence. It is important in our personal growth to challenge ourselves,” she said. “But if we are looking to deal with our pain and our suffering through distractions, it totally exacerbates it.”

Focusing on pain does not necessarily make you happy, but it helps you understand it and maybe find peace.

“Through understanding and compassion, I no longer allow my frailties to dictate who I am,” she said “My new mantra is, 'I matter.' ”

Contact George Barnes by email at gbarnes@telegram.com or on Twitter @georgebarnestg.

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