After church, Palin’s family posed for this picture, on the Alaskan coastline. Palin would later identify Libya in the background.

After two months of arduous campaigning–the My-Fair-Lady-coaching, the six-figure wardrobing, the Katie-Couric-catfight-to-end-all-catfights, etc.–Sarah Palin finally joined John McCain in conceding their party’s nomination to President Elect Barack Obama.

Returning to her office in Anchorage with several McC-aides, the state governor stood in front of a bay window that offered a breathtaking view of the shores of Tripoli, then sighed. “Y’know, I think this may be a historic moment for the North African Free Trade Agreement.” (An aide tried to correct her, but she roguely slapped him across the face). “Their country has never appointed a President, so we should welcome Obama to this continent with open arms.”

Palin’s comments puzzled reporters, who sought to broach the topic of foreign relations with her. She stood on the other side of her governor’s desk, flipping through a magazine. There were eight children in the room, some crawling, others drooling. One was named after a snowmobile company.

A reporter politely asked her what she was reading, and, unable to muster a reply, she started to cry. “If Todd were here” (her husband was out seal-clubbing) “he would tell you what a strain this has been on our family…not to mention our nation. Between Russia rearing its head in our airspace and Africa popping up on our border, foreign relations have become impossible around here.” Noticing the stunned look on reporters’ faces, Gov. Palin pulled down a screen-map of the Bering Strait. “Now do you see? Africa has moved into our sea space!” she cried, her voice reaching a frantic pitch. She began to babble, then speak in tongues.

Fearing the demise of her own species, Sarah Palin (seen here on a baby-seal-clubbing expedition) opposes evolutionism.

She has swept simian beauty pageants. Hitchhiked without using a (pre-hensile) thumb. Coupled with her life-long (running) mate in the Alaska wildlife refuge. And her banana peeling skills are said to be legendary.

She is Sarah Palin, the presumptive Republican vice presidential candidate for the 2008 Election.

She is a beauty contest winner, an expert sharpshooter, an obedient wife, and a proud mother. Every Sunday at her Pentecostal church, she can be found thumping her chest and swinging from the rafters, railing against the evils of evolution…for obvious reasons. Many members of her Alaskan cabinet of Intelligent Design have supported her views, though they lack the ability to hear, see, or speak about the complexities of the real world outside of their insulated habitat:

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil…

However, one survivor has seen, first-hand, the negative, global impact of this governor’s environmental policies…

WASHINGTON STATE: Feb. 9: On Saturday night, Senator Barack Obama became the first African American to win the Washington primary/State Powerball election. “I am so ecstatic right now,” Obama raved to a crowd of 35,000 Washingtonians, many of whom resented the Illinois State senator for choosing the winning number. “I know what you’re thinking: he’s got my lucky number. But in these past few weeks, I’ve noticed something about Americans all across this great land…

I’ve heard from seniors in Seattle who bet their pensions on weekly lotteries, including Elroy Berdahl, who spent over $58,000 only to pull a number 4 in the last election.

I’ve heard from Maytag workers, competing with Walmart employees, who had to mortgage their 2nd homes on lucky 8…” (etc.)

Since 1938, Washington State has insisted on holding caucuses that involve no voting machines, no ballots, and no direct public participation. Instead, this exceptional caucus relies upon an elaborate contraption called the LottoCycle, a patented wheel-and-shooter system powered by several hundred hamsters trained to stop at the precise moment when the balls of Fate must descend into the hands of the winner.

The LottoCycle offers voters the consolation of knowing, with absolute certainty, that their vote really IS left up to chance…

Borgia (left) first took possession of Coulter (right) in 1984 during a Delta Gamma meeting at Cornell University…and has spewn bile at her imaginary enemies ever since.

In the past two decades, conservative political commentator Ann Coulter has earned a stunning reputation as a pundit for the far right: a distinct American niche comprised of rabidly patriotic citizens, pseudo-literates, and pig-humpers.

The roots of her peculiar ability to galvanize this demographic have been traced to her sheltered, privileged childhood in New Canaan, Connecticut. However, in recent weeks, these roots have been traced back much farther…to a 15th century Italian femme fatale, Lucrezia Borgia, who allegedly took possession of Coulter’s body some twenty years ago.

In 1983, while participating in a Delta Gamma “Feed the Rich” fundraiser, Coulter collapsed in the student union center. She began to convulse and writhe, expelling vomit and racial epithets. Her sorority sisters tried to approach her to help, but were so repulsed by the thick stream of pea soup covering her body that they left the building.

“It was hard to make out what she was saying,” Missy Stapleton III (former sorority sister) said, “but between the chunks of pork, she mentioned something about ‘a plot to overthrow her’ and ‘poisoning the wells of the infidels.’ It was all very disgusting, but also very catchy. Like a bad song with a good jingle, I just couldn’t get it out of my head.”

Cultural critics and scholars have identified this speech as originating from Lucrezia Borgia, one of the most diabolic individuals who ever lived. During her lifetime, Borgia cloaked her true intentions under a thick veil of religious piety, murdering dozens of her arch-rivals and surviving on malice alone.

For much of the 1990’s, Coulter’s “inner Borgia” had remained dormant; she would often attend Republican rallies, making eye contact with others and even smiling. But after the 1998 Lewinsky affair, her Lucrezia succubus reemerged in an interview with Time magazine: “Clinton is a rapist! Kill the beast! Spill his blood!” Within weeks, these words became a popular rallying cry for the case against the former president; Coulter fans began chanting them, often in remote locations where Dionysian bonfires had been erected.

Since 2001, Some 2,000 “Coulter cults” have sprung up in remote regions of the United States. These often involve elaborate ritualistic sacrifices of marshmallows (a popular treat among liberal terrorists).

After 911, Lucretia manifested herself again, this time taking full possession of Coulter’s faculties, towers of intellect vulnerable to unexpected attacks.

“A dagger is more important than a book.”

“Tuscany has become trouble recently.”

“Then there are the 300,000 Milanese supported by papal charities. And of course there are the 200,000 greedy town elders. Both would make a pretty big meal for the Venetians. Ergo, we should eat them.” ––Lucrezia Borgia

“A cruise missile is more important than a head start.”

“Canada has become trouble recently.”

“Then there are the 22 million Americans on food stamps. And of course there are the 39 million greedy geezers collecting Social Security. The greatest generation rewarded itself with a pretty big meal.”–Ann Coulter

Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney, flanked by one of dozens of aspiring First Ladies.

SALT LAKE CITY: Mitt Romney has been dogged by reporters and media pundits, all of whom excoriate the 2008 Presidential candidate for his checkered polygamous past. In order to dispel these rumors, Romney delivered a press conference on the steps of the Salt Lake City courthouse. Flanked by half a dozen wives on his left and half a dozen on his right, Romney defended himself against charges of immoral conduct:”I did not have sexual relations with that woman,” Romney said, cocking his thumb over his shoulder, “at least not outside of wedlock. Or that woman…or that one…or that one, either.”

Having lost track of the names of his various wives, Romney has recently started to number them.

When pressured to respond to how he intended to become elected to the White House with multiple first ladies, Romney replied graciously, “I will built a new First Ladies Wing, and provide all spouses with room and board, three square meals a day, and the occasional conjugal visit.”

Romney has made great strides with the Christian Coalition, building common ground with leaders like Pat Robertson and Ralph Reed. “We all agree that when it comes to divorce, our nation has reached a point of critical mass. Which is why banning divorce altogether and promoting abstinence in its place is the best solution…and, barring that, endorsing multiple unions in patriarchal families is the second best solution.”

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