Thursday, February 15, 2007

- My roommate is getting married tomorrow.- My first driver's license expires in three months.- Every member of the Brother Apartment (my apartment last year had a very special relationship with this apartment, as in half of us dated half of them, some to the point of eternal union) is married or engaged with the exception of Superthug, who I was always the closest to, but he's dating someone now so I hardly see him anyway.- Grocery shopping and cooking for a crowd.- Asking for money for Christmas.- Breaking up.

Most of you know most of this story, some of you know some of this story, but none of you know all of this story. I'm going to write it down whether you read it or not, because of how "psychologically purging it may be."

I have a missionary, Elder M, who returns June 6th. Out of the 80some weeks that he's been gone, I've missed writing him twice, both on'accounta I filled up my writing time with Yellow time. Yellow and I have been in the middle of a funny little courtship since sometime over Christmas Break - the beginning was much more stressful than the end - and really, we didn't date for much time at all. But it was a dense couple of weeks, and I figured some things out.

I turned to Wise Coworker for advice when Yellow and I first started dating, and he and I came up with a plan. He helped me realize that there was a reason I told the missionary I wouldn't wait for him, and I was stomping all over that reason by refusing to open myself up while dating. In my head, there was a predetermined outcome; Elder M trumped all. So while I was "dating", really I was fasting without prayer, I was signing up for a corn-on-the-cob eating contest while I still had my braces, I was firing blanks, and other such metaphors for impotent, jumping-through-hoops kinds of acts. Coworker gave me the only advice I'd felt really good about - he said take a predetermined time period (two months, we decided) and use that time to pray and try to change my mind, to let Elder M go, to open myself up. So I did. I prayed quite a bit about it, because I've been hung up on Elder M for three years, and it would take some help to let him go.

Well, Coworker, I didn't need as much time as we thought. Our plan had the opposite effect. I felt more clarity about Elder M during this trial period than I had all semester - Yellow had shaken things up a bit in the beginning, there. The thought has crossed my mind that yeah, hey, we decided on two months, not two weeks. But I've never felt so clear-headed about something. As Yellow told me, "You gave me all the chance you had in you."

There's more to it than that. I really haven't been myself since Christmas break, and Yellow noticed, and I noticed, and neither of us thought it was fun. Our beginning had been rocky, what with all the girls that got screwed over in the process of us getting together and with me being in love with someone else. Really, we were both, to some degree or another, still hung up on our respective someones else.

(Hey Yellow - Remember when we talked about the superior shades of your color found in streetlights and road lines? How we preferred the golden-yellow of these to the washed-out, sickly yellow of the building across from Sinclair? Well I took another look at that building in the daylight this morning, and it must having been the lights, because it's really a beautiful kind of orange.)

Tuesday night was when things really ended. We'd had a conversation a few days prior that admitted that we were both just keeping things up, hoping something would change, but we both knew it wouldn't. The two of us had a hearty chuckle (mostly I laughed while he rolled his eyes) at the thought of being part of a Relationship Hydra. As in you cut off one head and two grow back in its place. Much to the rejoicing of the villagers. (That's me expressing so much happiness for some of you, you know who you are. And so does everyone else). Last night was Valentine's, and we decided to proceed with our plans, which mostly involved me giving him lame gifts and breaking rules, and we had such a conversation on my living room couch for hours, and I felt closer to him than I ever have. We're friends, Yellow and I.

As I've said more than once these past 20 months, "... but I'm still in love with Elder M."