Can the government fix all men’s pants problems?

A sign on the door of Gunther’s Games, a game room in downtown Columbia, Mo. (Photo by Dwight Silverman/Chronicle)

Yet another tiny town has decided it “has a right to decency” and is telling young men to pull up their pants or get out. Your colorful underpants are not welcome here, unless they are covered up with larger, non-baggy, real pants.

But are baggy, saggy pants really the worst possible clothing option for men? I have a right to decency, too, and while I agree that men’s underwear should not be on display in public, there are plenty of other opportunities for government pants surveillance.

Skinny jeans, for instance, are OK for men (women, too) when they are only moderately skinny. But some men look like they can’t bend at the knees after putting on their pants. If overly baggy trousers are a cause for government concern, shouldn’t overly tight trousers incite alarm as well? Think of the children.

Here are a few major men’s pants issues I think the mayor of Wildwood, N.J. needs to look into right away.

Photo: PHOTO BY JORDAN STRAUSS/ASSOCIATED PRESS

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Apparently Pharrell's choice of pants made an impact in the fashion world. J. Crew and other online sites have started promoting the short suit look. Why? Who knows.

Apparently Pharrell's choice of pants made an impact in the fashion world. J. Crew and other online sites have started promoting the short suit look. Why? Who knows.

Photo: PHOTO BY JORDAN STRAUSS/ASSOCIATED PRESS

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Ahh...the traditional saggy pant, complete with colorful underwear. An abomination that certain politicians will devote their lives to eradicating. But where will they focus their energies after conquering this sartorial demon? less

Ahh...the traditional saggy pant, complete with colorful underwear. An abomination that certain politicians will devote their lives to eradicating. But where will they focus their energies after conquering ... more

Photo: Joe Raedle / Getty Images

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Even worse than the skinny jean is the man-pri, otherwise known as the cropped pant for men.

Even worse than the skinny jean is the man-pri, otherwise known as the cropped pant for men.

Photo: Danny Martindale / WireImage

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It's hard to tell whether Robert Downey, Jr. is being serious about these pants. But he's definitely flaunting them, and flaunting is serious, even if it's done jokingly.

It's hard to tell whether Robert Downey, Jr. is being serious about these pants. But he's definitely flaunting them, and flaunting is serious, even if it's done jokingly.

Photo: Lennart Preiss / WireImage

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Definitely serious, definitely flaunting.

Definitely serious, definitely flaunting.

Photo: Denise Truscello / WireImage

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It could never get worse than the man-pri, could it? Yes, it could. Thank you MC Hammer, and whoever was watching old MC Hammer videos and thought it would be good to bring back the men's harem pant.
The cute little socks on Jaden Smith are almost enough to distract us from the problems going on above-knee. less

It could never get worse than the man-pri, could it? Yes, it could. Thank you MC Hammer, and whoever was watching old MC Hammer videos and thought it would be good to bring back the men's harem pant.
The ... more

Photo: Ken Ishii / Getty Images

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It's a saggy pant. It's a cropped pant. It's well-ventilated. It's black-tie formal wear. One could say this is the Swiss Army Knife of pants.

It's a saggy pant. It's a cropped pant. It's well-ventilated. It's black-tie formal wear. One could say this is the Swiss Army Knife of pants.

Photo: Charley Gallay / WireImage

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Never has a woman said 'I love this man, but his kneecaps are just not big enough.'

Never has a woman said 'I love this man, but his kneecaps are just not big enough.'

Photo: Joe Scarnici / WireImage

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Cee-Lo Green compensates for his baggy pants with an extra-long t-shirt, which protects the world from underpants views but doesn't make him look any taller.

Cee-Lo Green compensates for his baggy pants with an extra-long t-shirt, which protects the world from underpants views but doesn't make him look any taller.

Photo: Maury Phillips

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Tucking your pants into your shoes will prevent them from escaping.

Tucking your pants into your shoes will prevent them from escaping.

Photo: Ed Rode / WireImage

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Here's one baggy-pants control option from back in the olden days, when they had to make pants baggy because...wait...they didn't have to; never mind.

Here's one baggy-pants control option from back in the olden days, when they had to make pants baggy because...wait...they didn't have to; never mind.

Photo: Andreas Rentz / Getty Images

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Hopefully these too-tight pants are super-stretchy.

Hopefully these too-tight pants are super-stretchy.

Photo: Araya Diaz / FilmMagic

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Matt of Matt & Kim might have trouble sitting down in these.

Matt of Matt & Kim might have trouble sitting down in these.

Photo: Cindy Ord / Getty Images

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Mick Jagger's allowed to wear skinny jeans, because he's Mick Jagger.

Mick Jagger's allowed to wear skinny jeans, because he's Mick Jagger.

Photo: Christopher Wahl

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These ultra-tight jeans must not provide much insulation in cold weather.

These ultra-tight jeans must not provide much insulation in cold weather.

Photo: Neil Mockford / FilmMagic

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The significant others of the world are becoming concerned about coming home to a man who has been going around all day without socks on.

The significant others of the world are becoming concerned about coming home to a man who has been going around all day without socks on.

Photo: Nick Harvey / WireImage

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Showing a little bit of ankle makes us imagine what the rest of the ankle looks like, and we don't want to have to imagine that.

Showing a little bit of ankle makes us imagine what the rest of the ankle looks like, and we don't want to have to imagine that.