Friday, November 11, 2011

I hate taking my medication. I skip it a lot. I don't know why I am so resistant.
But I pay for it. My thoughts become disorganized, weird, scattered. I can't get out of bed til noon then at night I keep waking up from bad dreams. I get irritable, angry, easily provoked.
The manic thoughts begin to surface then assert themselves as perfectly reasonable. I feel like laughing, crying, screaming from one moment to the next. I get a little paranoid.
The drugs save me but they hurt me too. I have gained so much weight because of them. I have received grief from family for being overweight. It's not my fault. Some of the medications I've been on have been recalled or are still used but dangerous. They can cause a diabetes-like state. They can cause fatal liver damage. They can cause twitches that may not go away. Drooling.
But what can I do? The bipolar is getting worse. I am worse than I was five years ago. It is progressing.
I have to be on the medication. But I hate it. I should be grateful. I am somewhat grateful but fearful and angry too.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

So I haven't been on here in a long time. A lot has gone on. I returned to Christianity and now I find myself with doubts again. I don't think I will return to the atheist viewpoint again though. I did have a thought that regardless of whether I believe there is or isn't a God, there is or isn't a God. It has nothing to do with my beliefs. Either there is or there isn't. In a backwards kind of way, this gives me some peace. It is not up to me and my thoughts. I need not prove or disprove anything because things are as they should be.
I did rebuild from atheism or the belief that there is no higher being to the belief that there is. Where Jesus Christ fits in this precisely, I don't know. It is my right as a human being to pursue these lines of thought and it is my right to change my mind on things as I grow as a person. Mainly, I believe in love. Everything else flows from there.