Hero (Ying xiong)

(Reviewed
on 09/08/2004)

The Kind of Heroic
ROSSMAN

Jet Li is a little Asian god. Put him in a movie that takes the best parts of three other really good movies and you have an instant mega-Asian classic on your hands. Yes, I'm talking about the 2002 Chinese masterpiece, Hero. It is Asiantacular!. Sensasianal! Asian Cunt-Fuckinglicious! And no, "Fucking" is not a city in China. Ha ha ha! God I'm drunk. Too much Tsing Tao.

Anyway, Hero is for the most part one third Rashomon, one third Crouching Tiger, and one third The Emperor and the Assassin (with the ever glorious Gong Li... Hmmm, any relation?... Probably not. Aren't like 75% of Chinese people named Li or Lee? There's Jet Li, Gong Li, Stan Lee, Johnny Cage Lee, Rock Lee, Webster Li, and even JB and KG had a friend named Lee... He was apparently so good to them). Wait, what?

So Hero is all about some "Nameless" Jet Li guy who kills a bunch of attempted royal-assassins, and then gets invited over by the soon-to-be-emperor of all of China in order to have a few drinks, a few Pocky sticks, and talk about just how Nameless did what entire armies in the past could not... That would be killing the three bad ass assassins. I'm faced and I'm keeping up with this. Come on. So Nameless tells the King of Qi his story and the King listens.... That's the movie. Did you seriously think I'd ruin this shit for you? The whole point to movies like this is understanding the whole thing step by step as the director wants you to understand it. It's not my place to tell you that the twist is that Nameless is a transvestite, hermaphrodite, gay robot. That kind of thing is so much more shocking seeing the penis live on film than reading about it here.

I kid. There is no naked penis. Just gay robot sex.

Anyway, the production of the film is incredible! The use of colors to emphasize emotion and feeling (wait, isn't "feeling" emotion?) is inspiring. Speilburge should HOPE to have an eye as all seeing as the Chinese guy who shot Hero. The panoramic scenery puts even Crouching Tiger to shame (and I thought that THAT was one fine looking movie). The "Rain of Arrows" scenes (as first seen in the classic anime Giant Robo) are reeeeeeaaally cool to see in a live action film. The fights between Nameless and his prey, the three assassins, are interesting and fun, and lead well into the story being told to the King of Qi. You'll understand that last sentence after you see the movie. I think. Wait, it confuses me now. Drinky time.

I know some people who did not like Hero all that much for. They said it was just as bad as CTHD and that they'd rather suck Jet Li's cock and balls than see it again. BLASPHEMY! First of all, CTHD was a good movie. The middle dragged like a bitch with her stuffy dress caught in the door of her angry boyfriend's Firebird as it speeds away cause she wouldn't put out that night, even after he bought her a $50 meal! But the rest of it was okay. The thing that got me about CTHD was that the plot was basically "Here's a sword. Whoops! It's stolen! Nope, it's back. Wait, no, ummmmm, who's got it now?" Hero, on the other hand, is about a man on a mission,
and his deligence won't wait, and there are supersonic killers in the sky. His tale is the point of the movie. Think Rashomon. The WAY that the tale was told over and over was the point of it. Plus, did I mention that Jet Li is the man? He is. He can kick ass with a gun, sword, motorcycle, or even his bare hands. EVERY action movie should have him in it. Twice, if possible, like in The One. Man, that was a wicked awesome flick! Just, if you can, watch the unedited director's cut of Hero that comes in at about 15-20 minutes longer than Quentin Tarantino's retard version. They even mistranslate the most important philosophican line in the whole movie in the American version!!! "Our land" my ass! It's "All under Heaven" (or "Heaven and Earth")!!! Bastards!!!! Cat rapers...

What did I think of Jet Li's Hero? I dug it. It was pretty sweet. 4.5 out of 5.1 Ninja Punches in the Face. Fuck the naysayers! Fuck them up their ears! My only problem with it was no full-on Asian chick nudity. It desperately needed some. Although I think Disney's Mulan needed some too. Yay alcohol!!

The Zero KUNI

My God! This one is the great greater than I think that I have always testified. Li of the Jet strikes all the asses with the foot of stone to them! Bang! Pow! Wham! Kaboom! It finishes needing some more explosions really to work. Oh, and titties. It needed some more of those also.

I had taste of the shining colors. They reminded Kuni when the butterflies came to me after Kim Chi struck to me with the foot in the man sack after finding my webcam that I installed in its bathroom. Despite pains, Kuni is very happy still. I can still see the pretty butterflies if I concentrate myself hardly enough.

There wasn't all that much kung fu that fights though. That was sad. I wished to see peoples' heads blow up and fill up with blood and guts. That would have been really nice! Or it has a Jet Li Terminator returned in time and strikes all bad guys' asses as they were not the Terminators either... Although they would be because they became in time before Terminator Jet's and he did not know it. He would still kill to them though. Then he would Terminator piss on their robot pieces. Fuck you, evil Terminator fucks!

Kuni Thumbs Up! How could Kuni NOT like Jet? Even if Jet is a girl Kuni would still get erection at night.

The Googly Moogly
TAMMI WITH AN "I"

That Jet Li guy is jus' sooooooo dreamy! I think I caught me some yellow fever watchin' him fuck up all those special assassin types in this movie. It almost felt like he was killin' all them folks just for me. It made me remember my freshman year in high school when John Bob took it upon himself to impress lil' ol' me by stabbin' our homeroom teacher right in the back of the fucking head. Oh, you should have seen the look on Mr. Grizzlebee's face right before that screwdriver shot out between his eyes! Honestly, I truly think that was the coolest thing anybody'd ever done for me... Well, at least up until that point in my life. I do believe that Jimmy Billy Tanvers done showed JB up when he trained his dog to pull JB out of his car so that he could run the fuck over him a couple of dozen times in his '71 Mustang convertable. That was cool, but the only problem with that lil' stunt was I was banging the livin' shit out of JB in the back seat of his car when Jimmy Billy done had his pooch snatch his piddleywink right from my hoodilly. So I had to kick Jimmy Billy right in his slammawanks. Oh, and I shot that dog's nuts off too, jus' for good measure.