THOUGH HE USUALLY does most of his self-loathing from the comfort of his own bedroom, local sad case Evan Bellmonty had a change of scenery over the weekend.

His parents were growing uneasy with their son’s growing detachment from society. The St Clare’s College mid-winter Ball seemed like a great opportunity for young Evan to get out of his funk.

The mid-winter ball is the social event of the North Betoota high school, where everyone from the fly half of the district football team to the autistic finger-painters is expected to attend.

However, Evan didn’t feel obligated to go.

“When Ev told us that he wasn’t planning on going, we got a few concerns,” said his mother.

“I don’t think he’s gay. We had him tested for everything, he’s right in the head and all. But I don’t know why he doesn’t want to go?”

“That’s why we asked Macy to go with him. She’s such a nice girl.”

To make things worse, cousin Macy is a full two years older than Evan. She knows that it’s a big deal.

But things were about to get a whole lot darker.

Speaking out for the first time since the Saturday night nightmare, Evan said he can’t wait to finish his schooling and get the fuck out of Betoota, returning only for the odd Christmas and family deaths.

“Do you know how humiliating it is for a 17-year-old to tie a corsage around their cousin’s wrist? I do,” he said.

“Fuck man. I told my folks that I didn’t want to go, but they didn’t listen. I felt bad for Macy, too. It was just as awkward for her as it was for me,”

“As soon as I put my pen down on my last test, I am fucking out of this shit hole town. This place is like a Bruce Springsteen song, it makes me want to drink bourbon and slash my wrists at the same time.”