This is the week all Dan’s dreams come true: He takes the literary world by storm, gets more famous than his glittering circle of friends, and finally gets to tell one and all how superior he is to them. Naturally, it doesn’t go well. Never was the name “Lonely Boy” so apt. For the rise and fall of a literary wunderkind, read on.

Dan (Penn Badgley)’s book is here! He’s nervous — well, terrified — to tell his family and friends about it, so he summons everyone to the penthouse and basically goes “I wrote a book and it comes out today and you’re all in it and I made you look like jerks k thx bye,” and then bolts. He asks them all to read the book (on... a weekday? In the middle of the day? Does he think they don’t have anywhere to be?...OK, he’s probably right) before his party that night.

Blair (Leighton Meester) wisely declines to read Dan’s book at all, since she assumes it’s about how she bullied him relentlessly in high school and she’ll be portrayed as a villain. As usual, she’s got scandals enough of her own to deal with. An innocent picture of her and Chuck (Ed Westwick) hits Gossip Girl (Monkey made her trip and fall into Chuck’s arms, the scamp), piquing Louis’ suspicions. He and Blair plan to tell their parents about the incipient Prince or Princess Waldorf, but after Louis reads Dan’s book, he decides he’s had about enough of her secret ex-boyfriends and leaves. Seems Blair’s not a villain in Dan’s book — she’s the love interest. And unlike the real Blair, she succumbs to the Humphrey — sorry, the Hunter — charm.

Good ol’ Nate (Chace Crawford) is happy to read his buddy’s book. He’s not exactly skilled at literary analysis, though. Chuck points out that the Nate character, “Derek”, is actually a mix of Nate and Eric. Nate’s fine with being made gay. Being made a supporting character? Outrage. He skips the party.

Serena (Blake Lively), hilariously, assumes that the book is A. all about her and B. incredibly flattering. Well, given how Dan followed her around for a good two and a half years, she’s not unjustified. But in fact, “Sabrina” (jeez, Dan, you got real creative with those names) is a shallow, vain party girl. S’s new professional reputation is shot... because... of things she did in a book? Which are the same things she did in real life? We’re confused about this. Whatever. Serena’s pissed at Dan for accurately recording things she did in public, and he seems to agree that he’s the worst.

Chuck — um, “Charlie Trout” — is portrayed as a soulless drugged out loser who ends up alone and kills himself. Because he is Chuck Bass, he is fine with this. He probably knows it’ll just add to his legend and sell more hotel rooms. But by the end he is a little perturbed at the thought of the housekeeper one day tripping over his corpse. So he goes and pouts to Lily. She gives his shoulder some pats.

Everyone gathers at Dan’s book party to yell at him and then leave. In the end, his party concludes just like his novel does: Applause from a bunch of strangers, after his real friends have left. They’ll get over it, Dan. Remind them of the various lives they’ve destroyed. A little book is small potatoes. He does have a fairly shattering moment with Rufus though. Rufus smiles his way through the book party, only to tell Dan the next day that he broke his heart by portraying him as a has-been house husband who married for money. Well, maybe you should get a job then, Rufus.

Serena wants nothing to do with Dan’s book, but it follows her to work. Her boss claims that the gossip linking Serena to the book damages her boss’ reputation (again: What? This would be nothing but good for them) and demands that S make it up to her by obtaining the movie rights. Hold out for a piece of the back end, Dan!

Louis returns to Blair, promising to trust her. By the end, though, he’s doing that thing like “I am going to pretend to sleep beside you but actually I will stare worriedly out into space because I TOTALLY DO NOT TRUST YOU.” Oh please. Don’t even pretend you don’t love the drama, Louis.

While everyone else has been embroiled in rehashing old scandals, Ivy’s quietly developing a doozy of her own. When she learns from Nate that Diana has her phone, she talks her way into the Spectator’s office and filches it. This, of course, tells Diana that she’s Ivy. Smooth move, Ives. Diana doesn’t snitch on her, but she does demand that she come and work for her. How much do you wanna bet that her new intern living with the van der Woodsens will have duties that go beyond getting coffee and making copies?