Fake News Flash (?)*

Face covered with a piece of Southern Heritage Klan Sheet™ to protect identity

According to an unnamed source in the White House someone from Donald Trump’s inner circle plans to murder him within the next year. The unnamed source declined to provide the name of the person planning to commit the murder but was certain that Donald Trump is just as clueless about the planned murder as he is about everything else. The source stated that the secret service was alerted but that they refused to investigate due to certain constitutional technicalities (?). We contacted a spokesperson for the secret service who declined to comment about the planned murder but who insisted that the secret service would do almost everything at its disposal to ensure a secure and seamless transition of power should the planned murder occur.

While we at Riot Felice don’t condone the murder of just about anyone, we are placing odds on who in Trump’s inner circle is most likely to murder him.

Hope Hicks (2000/1) – Trump’s favorite “daughter” to put his arms around in a creepy way. She couldn’t get a job anywhere else so she needs Trump to stay alive until she retires (in about 30 years). We don’t see her murdering Trump unless Ivanka becomes his favorite daughter to put his arms around in a creepy way and she murders Trump out of jealousy.

Jared Kushner (1000/1) – Mr. Clueless. Too dumb and cowardly to plan any type of murder and get away with it. He could pay someone to do it but too dumb to get away with paying someone to do it also. Just too dumb.

Eric Trump (1000/1) – No one knows what this kid looks like or sounds like. He and Kushner could be identical twins in every way except their dumb faces. Both too dumb.

Donald Trump Jr. (750/1) – Also too dumb (although not as dumb as Kushner and his dumber brother) but he has more access to daddy than Eric and Jared. He’s almost just as dumb as they are but his odds go up because he has better access and therefore better opportunity. The odds on junior go down though because thus far (like his dumb brother) he’s proven that he can only murder defenseless animals.

Ivanka Trump (500/1) – Trump’s second favorite daughter to put his arms around in a creepy way. Strangely doesn’t seem as dumb as her brothers (although she sounds just as dumb) but some of her husband’s dumbness has rubbed off on her so maybe she will pay someone to murder her husband after she pays someone to murder daddy so she can seem less dumb. We don’t see her doing it with her own hands. Odds are still against her murdering Trump though because she’s incompetent and she and her brothers couldn’t murder him without his help (like anything else they’ve ever done).

Stephen Miller (250/1) – Strange talking mouth man who everybody thinks collects Nazi memorabilia and dresses up in Eva Braun underwear in his basement. Would have to murder Trump face to face because Trump is scared of him and never turns his back on him. We at Riot Felice think that Miller could do it but we also think he would end up accidentally killing himself in the process. The crime scene would look too bizarre to make sense of. There would be rumours about Nazi sex games gone awry which would probably be true.

Kellyanne Conway (50/1) – Not sure what it is. If it ever got the chance to meet with Trump alone it could talk to him at which point he would happily murder himself or stroke out. For those looking to make money, place your bets here. However, it might be difficult to prove that it committed the murder even though it’s been reported that everybody who has ever listened to it speak wanted to slit their wrists.

Melania Trump (2/5) – The only kind of woman who would marry a man like Trump. While she no longer likes to be near him or talk to him or be seen with him we believe this woman could do anything based on the fact that she married Trump in the first place. This is a woman who could eat things that would make a billy goat puke, crawl on her hands and knees through a rat infested sewer to find her lost diamond earrings, cuddle up on a Sunday night with a pus-infested klansman to watch Birth of a Nation for the hundredth time, wade through a stable of horse shit to…well, you get it . She could do it.