India Is Becoming Pakistan~ Do you mean that India is only pretending to be a US ally and that portions of its intelligence service are actively working to thwart Western aims? Or did you just mean that it’s crowded and smelly? Because that’s not news.

Why I Married a Black Woman ~ It’s a pretty safe bet that anything we come up with will be countered with a swift and unequivocal “OH NO YOU DI’NT!”

21 Burned in Walk Over Hot Coals at Robbins Event ~ We have a modicum of sympathy for the first couple fire-walkers, but if you’re idiot #21, who’s just been asked to please step aside so the paramedics can get through, why not “go big” and just walk across the coals on your face?

By Smaktakula

The Old Days Sucked. The Only Two Pleasures In Og's Wretched Existence Were Warm Bearcat Stew And, Apparently, Humping A Bag Lady.

One of the universal cornerstones of adulthood is the opportunity to bitch vociferously among the members of one’s own generation about how easy kids have it today. That every generation since the dawn of history has engaged in comparing the young unfavorably to itself might be viewed simply as exaggerated flights of reminiscence into the misty days of an idealized youth. However, one has only to note the tremendous progress and scientific innovation of our species, which has pushed back the thick crust of suck that once covered the earth entirely, but is now puddled around the globe in places like Mexico, Somalia or Kentucky. Indoor plumbing, the internet and fake boobs, among other technological marvels, have made the lives of each subsequent generation better than that which preceded it When an older generation complains about how good the ‘kids today’ have it, they’re usually right.

Yeah, But For Most Of Us It's Gotten Better. You Hang In There!

Nowhere is this more true than in the realm of illicit drugs. Despite their official prohibition, drugs have become increasingly available since the 1960s. In the ensuing five decades, LSD has come and gone and come again several times and Quaaludes® have disappeared entirely, but the availability of intoxicants, bolstered by new or newly rediscovered drugs like ketamine, PCP and methamphetamine, has only increased. Moreover, several states have legalized marijuana.¹ And for those who, despite the pharmacopoeia readily available to the young and old alike, are somehow unable to find anything else, spice rack highs like nutmeg² are as close as your local Piggly Wiggly.

They Didn't Always Come Boxed Or In Flavors. Back In Our Day, Going To The Supermarket For Whippets Meant That Your Buddy Kept A Lookout While You Sucked Down Reddi-Wip Like Lindsay Lohan On A Coke-Flavored Dick.

¹Marijuana has been legalized in these states for medical patients only. You must have a valid medical condition, such as a tummy ache, before getting a prescription for the sweet, sweet cheeba. ∞ T.

²For reals–in sufficient quantities, nutmeg is an hallucinogen. Equally for reals–stay as far away from Lady Meg as you can, for she is wicked and cruel. Trust us on this one, kids. ∞ T.

One advantage methamphetamine has over other illegal drugs is that it can be made just about anywhere, using common household products. This ubiquity has caused meth, the little drug that could, to take off like a rocket across the United States.

Each Image Is Someone You Could Reasonably Imagine Encountering At Walmart.

It turns out, however, that there yet places where the manufacture of methamphetamine remains a poor idea, as Alisha Halfmoon discovered to her regret. The brain-addled crank enthusiast was arrested in a Tulsa, Oklahoma Walmart after spending six hours in the back of the store whipping up a batch of crystal.

But Maybe Not At Walmart.

But of course meth isn’t the only drug causing Americans to do stupid and degrading things. Crack, considered by many to be ‘yesterday’s scourge,’ is still ruining lives across the nation. Among those enslaved by the glass teat is one Ella Jo Price of South Carolina.

We're Not So Sure; It Inspired This Adorable Street Art, Didn't It? And It's 'Whack' By The Way.

Perhaps believing that it’s better to have something and not need it than to need something and not have it, Price had two crack pipes secreted on her person when police pulled her and another man over for speeding in early December. Although initially resistant to hand over the paraphernalia, when the police became insistent, Price produced the two crack pipes from the foul crannies in which she’d secreted them, her crotch and buttocks respectively.

By Smaktakula

He's Right To Look Dejected: The Man's A Fucking Idiot.

On June 10th, 2011, a perfect storm of stupidity caught luckless moron Shawn Smith in its pitiless grasp. Smith’s troubles began when his car nearly collided with a police car, leading to a traffic stop. The cataclysmically-retarded Floridian no doubt regrets the erratic driving caused in no small part by his failure to maintain control of his automobile while engaged in a spirited cell phone conversation and enjoying a delicious chicken dinner. He likely also regrets the pile of cocaine and the multiple handguns which the cop subsequently found in his vehicle.

By Smaktakula

Hot, Retarded And Completely Lacking Dignity?--Yes. Discrete? No.

According to his former floozy Izabella St. James, Hugh Hefner doesn’t just look, smell and act like an incontinent old man–he makes love like one as well. In her cleverly titled new book, Bunny Tales, St. James claims that the 84 year-old is a sexual ‘Dead Fish’ who simply lies on the bed while a nubile and semi-retarded teenager humps him furiously.

St. James’ revelations shatter more than just the popular image of Hef as a ladies’ man and all-around-stud. According to Hef’s former harlot, even the famed Playboy Mansion has seen its luster fade. The once-fabulous pleasure palace of 10,000 delights is now a shabby and echoing ruin, festooned with dogshit and reeking of urine.

The Playboy Mansion Has Seen Better Days

Hefner lost his virginity at the decidedly un-swinging age of 22, and has spent the next six decades attempting to account for this tardiness. During Playboy’s Watergate-era heyday, the Mansion would throb with orgiastic depravity while sill managing an air of class and swinging sophistication. And Hef–whether he was snorting lines off Cher’s ass or balls-deep in a group-grope with Sylvia Miles and Burt Bacharach–was right in the middle of it all.

Thanks To A Combination Of Dementia And Cataracts, This Is The Face Hef Sees In The Mirror Every Morning.

But forty years is a long time–a lifetime in third-world countries–and not even Hefner’s famed virility could withstand the implacable ravages of time. The miracles of modern science, most particularly Viagra, have allowed Hef to make a pretense of his old existence by breathing life into the old man’s withered dingus.

But science has no answer for the rest of Hef’s age-related ailments. And now, Hef uses his dwindling fortune to make a charade of the life which for one musk-drenched moment in time saw him on top of the world. He perpetuates this rather sad fantasy in the vain hope not to stave off time, but to help him forget that he’s a crumbling old man with the hearty, virile penis of a healthy sixty-five year old.

By Smaktakula

Former child star Lindsay Lohan revealed recently in an international statement that she was not currently in a relationship, declaring “I’m available.” Men and women between the ages of 16-65 who have yet to engage in casual, anonymous sex with a celebrity or semi-celebrity are encouraged to apply. Millions will enter, and potentially thousands will win.

There exists no accurate way to determine the duration of the opportunity window for just about anybody to bang the Flower of American Skankhood, but it will in all likelihood be extremely short-lived. Lohan will either stage a comeback, at which point she will return to sexual standards most likely precluding carnal relations with an unemployed Best Buy sales associate, or as is far more likely, she’ll be dead. Act now!

The Clock Is Ticking. For Quickest Results Bring Coke And Root Beer Schnapps. No, Not Coca-Cola.

By Smaktakula

Most young boys dream of growing up to do great things: being a starship captain, secret agent or superhero. In Mexico, one pubescent boy did more than just dream; laughing in the face of the naysayers, he did what the world thought impossible for a lad of his tender years. He became a hitman.

"Yo Tengo Mi Mente En Mi Dinero Y Mi Dinero En Mi Mente."

Edgar Jimenez Lugo claims to have participated in no fewer than four beheadings as a wetworks man for a Mexican cartel. Known until his arrest only as ‘El Ponchis,’ the hitboy is currently under extra security for his protection.

Lugo reportedly worked for Julio “El Negro” Padilla, a narco whom Lugo’s sister, Elizabeth Jimenez Lugo, was said to bang. Padilla, along with other rising narcos such as La Barbie, came to power in the vacuum created by the killing of Arturo Beltrán Leyva.

No Es Bueno: It Turns Out That Being A Narco's Lady Entails More Than Just Carats and Coke.

Lugo came to worldwide attention after he and several other youths were identified in a YouTube video claiming to be hired killers for the cartels. Despite an intensive search lasting several months, the boy was not apprehended until December, when Mexican soldiers arrested him along with Elizabeth Jimenez Lugo at the airport in Cuernavaca.

Authorities claim the pair were bound for Tijuana, where they planned to cross the border to see their mother (by some accounts stepmother), Yolanda Lugo Jiménez in San Diego. Thanks to the careless pair, Mrs. Jiménez and her husband are now in the process of being deported.

That's Right, Barbie: He's Younger, More Famous And Has A Better Nickname.

However, no such fate awaits the boy assassin–if anything, El Ponchis may be imported: he is American-born. Furthermore, the boy claims that his actions on behalf of the cartel were due to coercion, and that he had been drugged.

Whether Lugo is the maniacal beast that cable news would have us believe, or as is equally likely, if he’s just a big-talking kid who’s gotten in way over his head by giving the media a story it’s only too happy to digest without critical thought, he’s given young boys worldwide a benchmark toward which to aspire. For that reason, we hope young Edgar Jimenez Lugo is found Not Guilty For Reasons Of Badassery.

By Smaktakula

One of the great surprises in television this year was the write-in campaign for Betty White to host Saturday Night Live. As the last surviving Golden Girl, the honor was certainly due her, and although we didn’t see the episode, we understand it was a big hit.

Before SNL Existed To Tell Us What Was Cool, We Had To Make Those Judgments Based Solely On Merit.

As in any instance when an unexpected event proves a resounding hit with the fans, SNL’s producers will be tempted to continue with the formula. Fortunately, SNL has always kept itself away from the practice of abusing an amusing premise by wringing from it every last drop of funny and then casting it aside upon the dust heap of pop culture.

Party On, Wayne! And On.

But of course people will try. Typing “Dear SNL Please Let Host,” reveals two names most prominently–Ron Burgundy and Buddy the Elf–both characters made somewhat famous by turn-of-the-century funnyman Will Ferrell, himself an SNL alumnus. A cadre of jaded do-nothings is mounting a serious attempt to return Ferrell to television.

This is both dangerous and irresponsible. Whether motivated by pity or a sense of kitsch, keeping Ferrell’s career alive is a benefit to no one, least of all the former celebrity. Repeated studies have demonstrated that exposure to comedians like Ferrell or Larry the Cable Guy is arguably the greatest single factor in the unfunnying of America. Once the funniest country in the world, America ceded first place to Canada sometime in the mid-1980s. For posterity’s sake, and for Ferrell’s as well, let the man’s career die with a modicum of dignity.

Betty Has Never Gone Back.

Even fictional–although arguably more talented–characters are trying to launch their own write-in campaigns to appear on the comedy program. Sesame Street’s Cookie Monster has an SNL audition tape, and is reportedly very serious about seeking a hosting gig. Privately, industry insiders say that the monster has very little chance of success; a reputation for no-shows and erratic behavior have earned him the nickname “Cokie” Monster.

The great Betty White write-in campaign of 2010 brought a brief spontaneity to television, a medium noted for being anything but. But if we’ve learned anything from such travesties as the New Coke, Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace and World War II, it’s sometimes best just to leave the original as it is.

Don't Be Naive. You Really Think Betty Got The Job Through A Write-In Campaign?