woensdag 21 maart 2012

2012 - system-design of Belief - Love, Light, Depression

I belief that I am a soul.

Within the mind I know that this is not real, as I read ofcourse the desteni-material about the soulconstruct etc. BUT....I notice within myself that I am not letting go of the love I believe to feel for a boy that I didnot see for more than a year. Actually this is all that I ever believed that 'counts', the love I feel for a boy, most of times at distance, so not in reality but in the mind. I knew ofcourse in reality it will be different, there will be a lot of annoyance and at distance there is not, so I called that 'pure'. I believed that at distance the love could stay pure. And it was pure when there was some kind of soul-connection, which made it possible to keep the love alive at distance, because also at distance there is a connection between us. I can feel what the other person feel, I can feel his reactions on my sms-es. And I still don't know what this is, did I feel my own reactions? I believed that I could feel this because I am sensitive. Which means, I became my feelings and emotions.
So, let's take myself by the hand, as this is one of the largest veils that I want to hold on to (as far as I can see). Let's unveil it slowly but surely, not hard on myself but breath by breath, step by step walking it through.

Thought:
At distance the love can stay pure.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think "at distance the love can stay pure".

Trigger-point:
Living with m in the house.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect living with m in the house to the thought "at distance the love can stay pure".
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let exist living with m in the house as a trigger-point within me which triggers the thought "at distance the love can stay pure".

Type of thought:
Belief

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to belief that at distance the love can stay pure.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let exist belief in me by participating in the thought "at distance the love can stay pure".

Other components:Emotion:
Sadness

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect the thought "at distance the love can stay pure" to an emotion of sadness.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to participate in an emotion of sadness.

Feeling:
Blessedness

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect the thought "at distance the love can stay pure" to a feeling of blessedness.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to participate in a feeling of blessedness.

Why do I connect the thought "at distance the love can stay pure" to an emotional experience of sadness?
I experience sadness because I believe that I love a man who is at distance but we are not able to live together. I know that he 'loved me back'. I blame myself for starting to live with m in the house before I found out if the man who is at distance and I are able to live together. Actually I know that we are not able to live together, but...but I want a relationship at distance; I believe that I am able to live alone and him at distance, seeing each other 3-4 times a year and for the rest live our own life. I made this some kind of ideal, as if I am able to live like that I am standing alone. What are we doing that 3-4 times a year that we see each other? Having sex, which was actually an experience of heaven with him. I believe that I am able to have sex 3-4 times a year without having more contact as I have seen that he is not able to have more contact with me. So I believe that I am able to have sex 3-4 times a year without having anymore contact, living my own life and him living his own life.
I experience sadness because I believe that I was not strong enough to wait for him and live like this. I was afraid that he would walk away again and I could not handle that. So why do I believe that I can live alone, seeing the man 3-4 times a year, having sex as an experience of heaven, and having enough with this? Why do I believe that I can have sex with a man without being able to express myself with words towards him?
It's like I skip the words, so I skip myself as the living word, I pass over myself, which I see is a synonym of miss, so that's why I miss myself so much.
Within this I see directly why I experience missing him so much, as within this believe of being able to commit myself to a man for having 3-4 times a year an experience of heaven by sharing sex without being able to express myself in words, I pass over myself, I miss myself as the living word completely.
I believe that having sex with a man is enough for me; me within living words I can share with other people. I believe that I can share myself as an expression within sex, without being able to share myself as the living word. I pass over myself, I miss myself completely. Here I see where I loose myself in every relationship till now, as I pass over myself, so I feel passed over by the man and put 'being together with the man' on the first place. And because I am not yet able to express myself as the living word, and I do not want to live alone or loose the man, I have sex as the only expression that I am able to to the man, using this as glue/connection between the man and me. Which makes me dependent on having sex with the man so on the man (so on the mind).

(This is leading to the design of angryness, me being angry at m which is coming forward out of being angry at myself for not being self-honest; but where am I not self-honest as the starting-point of the living together with m was also not self-honest, so I believe that I am not honest because I started living with m while it was not clear between me and the man at distance which who'm I donot have communication in reality for a year; this believe keeps me prison in being angry if I do not see behind this; is this the self-honest point or is this an honest point in/as the mind? Wasn't the point already here before living with m, believing in the love with the man at distance, already self-dishonest, which gave a new start in dishonesty with m? Let's unveil the belief-system that I created and see what is possible.
It is also leading to the design of addiction as addiction to sex; which I mainly walked through last year when the man at distance stayed at distance so no sex; I started again with sex with m, same pattern. But in this situation I can direct myself as I see in myself that I do not want to have sex with m when I am angry at myself for not being self-honest; I am not forcing/seducing myself to have sex as a substitute of expression of words anymore).

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that the feelings I experience for another person are real as who I am.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not want to give up this feeling for another person.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to have difficulties with giving up an ideal of living
life in harmony with a man I (believe I) am 'supposed' to live with.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to just start another relationship after noticing that me and the man are probably not able to live together without getting to know m before living together.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to just step into this relationship with m, believing that I could step out anytime, instead of seeing that this stepping in as having sex does have consequenses.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not be able to getting to know m before living together as I felt so lonely that I was not able to stand alone in this.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not be able to come out of this experience with the other man without m.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am not able to come out of this experience with the other man without m.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to have difficulties with giving up my socalled life-purpose as living together with the man I love and who loves me as a match, and within this standing up as myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to miss myself by skipping myself with having sex as an expression of myself without being able to express myself in words as who I am, which makes sex a substitute for myself as the expression as the living word.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to make myself dependent on sex as a substitute of the expression of myself as the living word, which makes me dependent on the man I have (had) sex with.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I need sex, so that I need a man to have sex with, to be able to express myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that love at distance is pure, instead of seeing that I expreienced this as pure because it was only existing in my mind, so pure without intervention of influences from anything or anyone, which is actually me having a relation with my own mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that this relation with my own mind is pure.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that this pureness is real, instead of seeing that this is an experience of light as the white light, pure light, which is not really existing.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to protect this pure love within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that this pure love is enough for me to live with at distance.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not see that this pure love was the connection in/as the mind between me and the other or even me and myself as mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I can only live with someone that I experience this pure love for.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not know how to live with someone that I do not experience this pure love for, which actually means that I do not know how to live with someone that I do not have a connection with in/as the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not believe that I am able to stop believing this pure love is real.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not believe that I am able to live without the experience of this pure love, so I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not believe that I am able to live without the mind, without the white light.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to make myself dependant on the mind and on 'God' the white light.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to have difficulties with giving up on everything that I believed, which is actually forgiving myself for believing in this everything as existing as the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to want to hold on to this experience of pure love.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to want to hold on to the mind, and at the same time judging and rejecting myself for being and becoming a mindsystem as I see in my projections to other people.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to want to experience this pure love so that I do not have to experience the hate inside myself against me becoming a system, wanting to hold on to the seperation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to want to hold on to the seperation so that I can experience this pure love with a special person.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not believe that this experience of pure love is coming forward out of seperation, as this experinece of pure love 'feels like being one'.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that this feeling of being one is real, instead of seeing that this is the feeling of being one with/as the white light, which is suppressing myself as life completely.

Why do I connect the thought "at distance the love can stay pure" to a feeling of blessedness
When I feel this love at distance I feel blessed, as this experience of pure love as light feels like being blessed that I met someone who I feel this love for or even share it, although it is at distance.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am blessed with experiencing this feeling of pure love for a person, although it is at distance.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that this pure love is real as light as life, instead of seeing that this is keeping me enslaved in the experience of light as the mind as the purpose of my life, which is suppressing myself as life as breath being Here.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to become enslaved to the purpose of my life as a consciousness system.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience that if I am stopping this feeling of love, that I am breaking the rules, breaking the contract that I made with myself, as this is everything that I am holding on to during all the hard times in life.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel like I betray myself and the person at distance if I stop this feeling of love to the person.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am good at holding on to the purpose of my life, that I know what I have to do in life on earth, instead of seeing that with knowing this and being sure of this I keep myself enslaved to the mind-consciousness system.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not know if I am able to live without the mind consciousness system.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to worry about the world going down, and at the same time not believing that I am able to stand up as life, which is the reason that I worry about the world going down, as I worry about me going down, unable to stop the enslavement in/as the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to wnat to hide in a corner and live my life without doing all these things that I experience as so hard and difficult and scary, in a world that I experience as so hard and difficult and scary.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to hate the world we live in, which is the same as hating myself as how I live now.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to hate myself as the way I live now.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to want to experience this pure love as light to not experience my self-hate.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be angry at myself for stopping the possability to experience this pure love for teh man at distance or another person by living together with m.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not want to stop this experience or possability for this experience of pure love as light for another person.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to create and believe this illusion of pure love as light to survive in this world that I don't like to live in.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not like to live in this world.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not like other people, or most of other people because I am not able to speak as myself in the company of most of other people.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to create this experience of love and light because I notice a tendency of being depressed inside myself, being afraid that I will get stuck in a real depression, not coming out of this and being labled and threat as depressed.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear being labled as depressed and being suppressed by this lable, and for this hiding my periods of depression.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to hide the expression of me being depressed, which is suppressing an expression of myself, although it is as the mind.

Corrective statements:
When and as I see myself participating in an experience of 'pure love' at distance I stop, I breathe. I put my two hands together to bring myself Here in the physical.
I realize that I experience a feeling of being connected to 'the light' within/through the mind, which I define as pure. I realize that this is not being one and equal as myself as life, it's an experience of seperation in/as the mind. It will bring forward the opposite if I go into this, as it is created in polarity. The opposite I experience/define as depression, which I create myself by believing in love and light, and by believing that I am not part of life if I do not experience this pure love.
So I stop, I breathe. I do not need this feeling of pure love as it is an experience of the mind, keeping me enslaved in/as the mind.

noun
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.

verb (used with object)

15. to have love or affection for: All her pupils love her.
16. to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person).
17. to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in: to love music.
18. to need or require; benefit greatly from: Plants love sunlight.
19. to embrace and kiss (someone), as a lover.

Synonyms

1. tenderness, fondness, predilection, warmth, passion, adoration. 1, 2. Love, affection, devotion all mean a deep and enduring emotional regard, usually for another person. Love may apply to various kinds of regard: the charity of the Creator, reverent adoration toward God or toward a person, the relation of parent and child, the regard of friends for each other, romantic feelings for another person, etc. Affection is a fondness for others that is enduring and tender, but calm. Devotion is an intense love and steadfast, enduring loyalty to a person; it may also imply consecration to a cause. 2. liking, inclination, regard, friendliness. 15. like. 16. adore, adulate, worship.

Origin:

before 900; (noun) Middle English; Old English lufu, cognate with Old Frisian luve, Old High German luba, Gothic lubō; (v.) Middle English lov ( i ) en, Old English lufian; cognate with Old Frisian luvia, Old High German lubōn to love, Latin lubēre (later libēre ) to be pleasing; akin to lief
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In all these defenitions and synonyms it is about a feeling of affection.
With pure before love, this is a clear feeling of affection, free from anything of a different.

Positive/negative charge:
Positive - as a pure, light feeling, which I could only feel at distance; as soon as the person is here it is mixed with a lot of reactions, so not pure anymore, so actually I cannot feel love than anymore. Which shows that it is a feeling in/as the mind which can be easily disturbed, so not constant.
It is a feeling of 'everything will be alright' which I charged as positive, it gives me an experience of rest and peace.
Negative - as love of onother person who loves me within feelings, which gives me the experience of being stuck in the attention of that love, directed to me instead of directed to self.

New defenition:To forgive oneself all reactions in/as the mind, until there is no reaction, no judgement, no separation left from self as all life, which makes able to see self in all life around and stand equal to it.

(Pure is 'free from anything of a different' so pure love has the same defenition as love)

Over mij

On this blog, I am writing myself to freedom. I have to stop all I learned, all I have ever been as the mind, as a consciousness-system; to become one and equal as Self, as Breath, as Life, as the Living Word. Writing will support me with this proces. And the reading of the realizations of each other support each other to realize ourselves as Self. To change the world, I have to start within myself. "Within the whole thing of change understand that, as one change breath by breath, it also represents the simple realization that the world will change one by one. So it's one, plus one, plus one, plus one (...)" -Bernard Poolman- http://networkedblogs.com/mR7DW -
I am One Vote for World Equality.