Categories

Toasters

This is actually quite an hold posting so I have done a few updates to it. Still makes me laugh..I am sure everyone has an organisation they could add: Look for the CSC spin at the end…

The toaster analogy:

IBM Highly complex toaster; everyone buys one but doesnt know why except the feeling that it must be good because IBM make it. The latest Watson version will now predict when you want the toast before you even know you want it

Apple iToast – It just works with one button on the front – and now even the button isnt a button and you can drop it in water. If it breaks you take it to their special shop and they will fix it for you

Salesforce No toaster at all – you order it online and it is delivered within 5 minutes – “”on demand toast”””

VMWare Its a virtual toaster – which is actually a kettle that can also do toast

Porsche Actually a rebadged IBM Toaster with a Porsche emblem and then sold for 10x the price

Cray … They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.

Tandem … You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one

Sun … The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.

DEC Does DEC still make toasters?… They made good toasters in the ’80s, didn’t they?

EMC – Each component will have been sourced from different organisations and requres a qualified technician to switch it in

NSA If the NSA made toasters … Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.

Oracle … They’d claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you’d discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke

Xerox … You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.

Sony ToastMan – will toast one very small piece of bread

Microsoft … Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a new toaster. You wouldn’t have to take the toaster, but you’d still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster’95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

Amazon. It would be delivered by a drone within an hour of it being ordered but if it was wrong you would have to pay to post it back, and eventually get a refund

AWS. They would make them to their own specification which would change on a daily basis. The toaster would be owned by AWS and everyone would want one but no one was quite sure whether they owned the toast or who indeed had had a bite of it before it got made

And finally;

If CSC made a toaster … it would search the internet for a toaster blueprint, would modify the blueprint to better fit the consistent delivery model, would check the blueprint in to VCS. The Jenkins Service would pick up the blueprint, tell a robot to build it, would feedback any test challenges to the developer, who would modify, checkin and upon a green light, create the perfect toaster for the client… and all subsequent clients who wanted a toaster [using 3d printing].

And another spin…How to make a Toaster

UK

Although first invented in the UK, will be outdated and still

uses batteries

Germany

Absolute precision with a click when the toaster goes down just like in their cars

China

Will be identical to the German version, except built with cheaper materials and cost 10%

America

A very large and shiny toaster that will toast 8 pieces of the largest bread slices. It will also talk to you and order your next piece of bread

France

Has a wine warmer attached to it so Red Wine can be accompanies with the toast

Australian

Wind up version so it can be taken out on to the beach

Low Cost Centre

Will be very cheap but based on a 1960s Toaster that no one liked at the time