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Wednesday, July 31, 2013

I'm leaving... again.

I’m leaving again. It’s been over a course of seven years now that I’ve found myself leaving from what I know as comfortable and moving somewhere unfamiliar: a college that no one in my hometown had ever heard of or could even pronounce - New Zealand, the absolute furthest country I could go - and Ecuador, alone, not speaking the language.

I don’t really know why I do this myself. What is the continuous draw to the unfamiliar? It makes me sick inside remembering difficult times of loneliness so far from home, getting robbed, becoming poor, being sick, and craving familiarity.

But some little spark in my stomach stems out to make my legs restless. Telling me to get up and go. What will happen? What can I learn and how will I grow from it – the good and the bad.

I want a challenge. Everyday should be an adventure. I don’t want comfort to find ME in familiar food, a warm bed, my home. I want the comfort to come within. I need to be able to find comfort within myself and find familiarity in the unfamiliar.

I could embrace my idea of “normal.” I could get a proper job, an affordable apartment that I’d fill with DIY projects found on Pinterest. I could drive to work and eat my Tupperware quinoa salad at my desk. I could go to my weekly yoga class and come home just in time to spend the night on the couch watching Netflix. Waiting for the weekend.

I could. I easily could be content happy with the lifestyle. But first, I need just a little bit more.

I want to fuel my curiosity. I want to be confused. And challenged. And lost. I want to taste more foods that I love and discover more foods that I hate. I want to dance badly and sleep deeply. Hell, I want to sleep badly, too!

I want to be alone. I want to be lonely and still be okay. I want to find inspiration and as I write, the words just bleed from my fingertips. And better yet, somebody, somewhere will want to read these words and feel something. Anything.

But I’m leaving again. Off to Barcelona. My first trip to Europe! I may not have the best sense of direction this time. There may not be enough money in my bank account or experience under my belt. But I’ll be okay.