FRANCISCO
Come.Let us impart what we have
seen tonight
to young Prince
Hamlet.

Exeunt.

**********************************************************

Scene
II

Scene
II takes place in a room in Elsinore Castle.Flourish.Enter the KING, the QUEEN, HAMLET (who has his back
to the audience), POLONIUS, LAERTES, and OPHELIA.The
King is a slightly overweight man with a beard and a middle-European
accent.His name is Claudius.Gertrude, the
Queen, is a stately dowager-type.Polonius
is a foolish
old man.Ophelia is an attractive
blonde who is very
clever and very ambitious.Laertes
is a young man, excitable,
but not very bright.In the
original production
of this play, he was played in a style resembling
Daffy Duck (including the lisp), and it worked.

KING

Though
yet of Hamlet our dear brother's
death
the memory be green,
and it befitted us to
bear
our hearts in grief, and our
whole kingdom
to be contracted
in one brow of woe, it's
time
we faced the fact the old
king's dead, and I must
run the
kingdom.I thank you all for
your
condolences on the death
of my brother, the
late King,
as I thank you for your good
wishes
on my marriage to his
widow, the Queen.Now then,
on
to our royal business.Young
Fortinbras
has demanded that we surrender
the lands lost by his father.I have sent word
to the aged
king of Norway, ordering him
to
bring young Fortinbras into
line!Not one
patch of land
shall we give up!

The
King looks around the room.Everyone
except Hamlet looks
pleased.The King looks at Laertes.

KING
Now,
good Laertes, did you have something
you
wished to ask of me?

LAERTES
Yes,
Sire, your leave and favor to
return to
France.

KING
Ahh,
France, eh?I'm told that France
is a
lovely country, and I
hear they make most
excellent wines
there.Go.Enjoy yourself.And be sure to send some
postcards.Now, my nephew
Hamlet,
my son, how
is it the clouds
still hang on you?

Hamlet
turns to face the audience, and we see his face for the
first time.Hamlet has a big, black
mustache that looks
as if it might have been painted on, and he smokes a cigar.

HAMLET
Nay,
I am too much in the sun!Get
it? That's a
joke.My real father
just died, and now I've got
you for a father, so I'm too much
in the sun!Boy,
that Shakespeare
sure could write.I'd
like to see
Francis Bacon pull
off a joke like that.

KING
Hmmmmm.Come, Hamlet, my son, how
is it the
clouds still hang on
you?

HAMLET
I
don't know.Maybe it's because
you're reigning.

QUEEN
Good
Hamlet, I know full well the
love you bore
your father.But
cast thy nighted color off!If
he
were here today, do you think
your father would
want us to
mourn on and on, wearing the same
customary suit of solemn black,
day in and day out?

HAMLET
Well,
he'd probably ask you to change
your socks.

QUEEN
Hamlet,
. . .

HAMLET
In
fact, that's still a pretty good
idea.And while
you're at it,
change your husband.

HAMLET
Of
course not!No other dame ever
had a chance,
not with you watching
him like a hawk.And a
fat
lot of good it did him,... poor
old Dad.

KING
Hamlet,
it's unfortunate that your
father died, but
fathers have
a way of doing that.My father
died,
and his father died before
him, and his father
died...

HAMLET
Yeah,
but uncles go on forever.Don't
you?

KING
Hamlet,
why don't you try to think
of me as
your father?

HAMLET
OK,
bury yourself six feet underground,
and I'll
give it a shot.

KING
Gertrude,
we must do something about
this son of
yours.

Exeunt
all but Hamlet.

HAMLET
Oh
that this too, too solid flesh
would melt, or at
least that
they would turn up the heat a
little.To
think that it should
come to this!My father but
two months dead, and my mother
married to this
satyr. I recall
the day they wed.It was a
satyr-day.Heaven and Earth,
must
I remember?My mother
has married
my uncle, and turned me into
my own
cousin.Frailty, thy
name is woman.And woman,
thy
name is Frailty.My name is Hamlet,
and I'm
ashamed to meet the
both of you.

Enter
Horatio, Francisco and Bernardo.Horatio
consults with
his friends.

HORATIO
Hey,
is that him?

HAMLET
Horatio,
-- or I do forget myself!

HORATIO
Well,
I don't know.Who do you think
you are?

HAMLET
I'm
Hamlet, Prince of Denmark.

HORATIO
Then
you don't forget yourself...
not unless you're
the
man who comes to fix the sink.Then you got
a problem.

HAMLET
This
can't be anyone but Horatio.Don't you
remember me?We
went to school together!

HORATIO
Sure,
I know you!You're Hamlet!

HAMLET
And
you're Horatio!But I thought
you were still
going to school
in Wittenberg.

HORATIO
No,
I left there a long time ago.I was too smart for
them.

HAMLET
Oh
really?

HORATIO
Yeah.All the professors said they'd
never be able
to teach me anything.

HAMLET
Horatio,
something is rotten in the
state of Denmark,
and I think
it's you.

HORATIO
That
reminds me.I think I saw your
father's ghost
last night!

HAMLET
What?Are you sure it was him?Did
you speak
to him?

HORATIO
We
spoke.But he wouldn't answer.

HAMLET

That
sounds like Dad, all right.Listen,
boys, this is
something I'm
going to have to see for myself.Let's
meet at the top of
the castle tonight.

Exeunt.

**********************************************************

Scene
III

Scene
III takes place in a room in Polonius' house.Enter Laertes and Ophelia.

LAERTESMy
necessaries are embarked.Farewell.And
sister, do be wary
of the affections of Prince
Hamlet.Perhaps he
does love you now, but he is subject to
his birth, and therefore he must
choose a royal bride.

OPHELIALaertes,
don't be such an ass!Use
your brain for once!Do you think
for one minute that Claudius is going to
let Hamlet marry a princess?

LAERTESHuh?

OPHELIAListen!Hamlet has a better claim
to the throne
than his uncle Claudius does, right?If
Hamlet
marries into another royal family, he'll gain
powerful allies to help him win the crown.You think
Claudius wants
that?All I have to do is convince the
King that Hamlet's

been toying
with my affections, and I guarantee you we'll be
married before Hamlet knows what's hit him.Then I'll figure
out some way to get rid of
Claudius, and I'll be Queen of Denmark!

LAERTESSister,
you're brilliant!But look,
here comes
our father!

Enter
Polonius.

POLONIUSYet here,
Laertes?My blessings with
thee!And take these few precepts
in thy memory:Be thou familiar,
but by no means vulgar.

Enter
Horatio.

HORATIOWhat's he
gonna do in France if he can't be vulgar?How's he gonna
fit in?

POLONIUSHoratio,
you're not supposed to be here, are you?

HORATIONo, but I got
two more hours before I'm supposed
to go to a secret meeting with Hamlet at the top of
the castle, so I got lots of time to kill.

I can't.Right after he gave me the
money, I put it
down, and then I lost it.

POLONIUSYou put it
down and lost it???

HORATIOYeah, I put
it down on a horse.

POLONIUS

This is
terrible.

HORATIOYeah, now
your son, he's a lender, and what are we
gonna do?Hey, I got a great idea!You
loan me ten
gold kroner, and then I'll pay Laertes back, and then
he won't be a lender anymore.

POLONIUSBut if I lend
you the money, then I'll be a lender, and
you'll still be a borrower.

HORATIO

OK, I got a
better idea.You don't
be a lender, I don't
be a borrower.You just give me the
money.How's
that?

POLONIUS

I don't know about this.

HORATIOYou want your
son to stay a lender all his life?

Polonius
reaches into his money bag and takes out a gold

coin.

POLONIUS

But all I've
got is this twenty-kroner piece.Have
you got change for that?

HORATIONo, but I'll
take it, just the same.

Horatio
pockets the twenty-kroner piece.

POLONIUS
At least you can now pay back to Laertes the
ten kroner you owe him.

HORATIOLaertes, you
got change for twenty kroner?

LAERTESNo, I'm
afraid not.

Horatio
turns to Polonius.

HORATIONow we got
another problem.I can't
give this
coin to him.If I
give him the coin, he'll owe
me money.If he owes me money, then
he'll be
a borrower.He can't
be a borrower if you just
told him not to be a borrower!

POLONIUSBut...

HORATIOHey, I just
got another great idea.Laertes,
why
don't you just say you gave me the ten gold
kroner?Then you
won't be a
lender!You won't
be a borrower!You'll just be a
nice guy,
like
your father!

LAERTES

Sounds okay to me.

Ophelia,
the only really smart one in the family, is

furious with Horatio.She scolds
him, while Polonius and Laertes
try to figure out what's been going on.

OPHELIAHoratio,
you're nothing but a cheap, conniving
crook!

HORATIOYeah, that's
me.

OPHELIAHow can you
be so dishonest?

HORATIOOne time I
tried to be honest, but then I said to
myself, "Horatio, to thine own self be true."So if mine own self is a crook,
that's what I gotta
do. Good-bye!

Horatio
walks out with his twenty-kroner piece.Ophelia
glares at him.Laertes and Polonius
are still trying to puzzle
out what happened to their money.Exeunt
Ophelia, Laertes and Polonius.

**********************************************************

Scene
IV

Scene
IV takes place back on the platform in front of Elsinore
Castle, where Scene I took place.Enter
Hamlet, Horatio,
Bernardo and Francisco.

HAMLET
The
air bites shrewdly; it is very
cold.Say, are
you fellows sure
this is where dear old Dad
is
going to show up?

BERNARDO
The
ghost has appeared at this very
spot three
nights past, my lord,
then vanished before the sun
came up.

We
hear the distant pounding of a kettledrum, and a flourish
of trumpets.

FRANCISCO

What
does this mean, my lord?

HAMLET

That's
the King.He has the musicians
play while
he drinks.He
doesn't like to drink alone, so
he

has them play eight to the
bar.You see, the King
likes to take
a drink before he goes to bed
at night. Then he likes to take
a drink when he's in bed,
especially if the Queen is still awake.Then the
Queen throws him
out of bed, so he has to take
another drink.Then he's ready
to throw the Queen
out of bed,
which calls for another drink.
Every
time he takes a drink,
he has the musicians bang
the
kettledrum.As soon as the King
is as tight
as the drum, he knows
it's time to fall asleep.

HORATIO
Hey,
that sounds like a pretty good
job.You
think I could be a
king?

HAMLET
Well,
would you be willing to marry
your brother's
wife?Do you
think you could do that?

Horatio
thinks this over.

HORATIO
I
don't know.

HAMLET
Well,
come on.Do you want to be
king, or don't
you?

HORATIO
If
I marry the wife, do I get his
mistress too?

HAMLET
That's
not strictly required.It's
not really part of
the job.But
I'm sure we could work something
out.

HORATIO
Is
she pretty?

HAMLET
The
wife or the mistress?

HORATIO
Yes!

HAMLET
You'll
have to take that up with your
brother.

HORATIO
Hey,
I just remembered!I haven't
got a brother!

HAMLET
Then
you'll have to take that up with
your parents.You do have
parents,
don't you?Otherwise, you'll
just have to take it up with
your grandparents.

HORATIO
I've
got a great idea!Why don't
I just take your
wife?

HAMLET
My
wife?I'm not even married!

HORATIO
That's
all right.I can wait.

BERNARDO
Look
my lord, it comes!

The
Ghost enters, and is overjoyed to see Hamlet.The Ghost
claps his hands and runs to embrace his son.

HAMLET
Dad!

As
the Ghost embraces Hamlet, the Ghost sticks his hands into
the pockets of Hamlet's coat, pulls out an apple, and starts
to eat it.

Scene
V takes place on another part of the platform.Enter
the Ghost and Hamlet.

HAMLET
Where
wilt thou lead me?I'll go
no further.

The
Ghost shrugs, and stops.

HAMLET
So,
Dad, what's new?

The
Ghost points to the apple core, grins, and gestures that
he'd like something else to eat.

HAMLET
I'm
sorry, I don't have any more apples.

The
Ghost makes a horrible disgusted face and turns away from
Hamlet.

HAMLET
Gee,
if I'd only known, I...

The
Ghost makes a disparaging wave of his arms at Hamlet, and
makes another horrible face.

HAMLET
Dad,
isn't there something you wanted
to tell me?

The
Ghost suddenly remembers! He claps his hands and sits Hamlet
down, and indicates that Hamlet should watch him.

HAMLET
Oh.OK.You're going to tell me
a story.

The
Ghost nods his head happily.Then
he reaches into his coat
and pulls out a little pillow.He
puts the pillow down
on the floor and mimes going to sleep with his head on
the pillow.Hamlet waits for a
minute, watching the Ghost
sleep.

HAMLET
Say,
I thought Ghost stories were
supposed to
keep you awake.

The
Ghost puts his fingers to his lips to indicate that Hamlet
should be quiet, while he's sleeping.

HAMLET
OK,
you're sleeping.Where are you
sleeping?

The
Ghost, still pretending to be asleep, holds up his hand,
with the back of his hand facing the audience.Then he
pushes up the apple core to the top of his fingers, and mimes
plucking an apple.

The
Ghost stands up, takes the pillow and puts it under his
shirt.He pretends to be fat.Then he pulls at an imaginary
beard.

HAMLET
A
fat man...a fat man with a beard...

The
Ghost makes an ugly face and mimes yelling and being angry.

HAMLET
A
fat, nasty man with a beard!Your
brother
Claudius!

The
Ghost nods "yes."Then he
goes back to putting on the nasty,
evil face of Claudius.He stomps
around the stage, pulling
on his beard.

HAMLET
What
does he do?

The
Ghost, pretending to be Claudius, notices the apple core
lying on the stage.He picks it up,
sees that it's been
eaten, and brutishly throws it away.He
looks around the
stage, and then looks in surprise at the spot where the
Ghost was sleeping. The Ghost whips out the pillow, and
resumes sleeping at that spot.

HAMLET
OK,
Claudius found you sleeping.What
happened next?

The
Ghost jumps up, puts the pillow back in under his shirt,
and pretends to be Claudius.He
reaches into his coat,
and pulls out a bottle of poison.Then
he reaches into
his coat with his other hand and pulls out a funnel.He
walks over to where the Ghost has been sleeping, and mimes
putting the funnel into the sleeping man's ear, and he
pours the contents of the bottle into the funnel.Then the
Ghost whips out the pillow and becomes himself sleeping,
with the funnel in his ear, and the poison being poured
into it.The Ghost wakes up and
dies horribly.

Oh
horrible!Oh, horrible, most horrible!...Well, what do
you
want me to do about it?

The
Ghost mimes hitting, kicking, choking, and jumping up and
down on someone.

HAMLET

You
want me to take revenge on Claudius?

The
Ghost nods "yes."

HAMLET
Well,
that sounds fair enough.What
about Mom?

The
Ghost shakes his head "no."He
reaches into his coat and
takes out a poster-sized picture of the Queen.He kisses
the picture and looks coy.

HAMLET
Not
Mom.You still love Mom.Aww,
that's
sweet.It's crazy,
but
it's sweet.Maybe you
should
have your head examined, or
at least
your eyes.

The
Ghost clutches the picture of the Queen to his chest, and
looks threateningly at Hamlet.

HAMLET
OK!Don't worry.I won't hurt Mom.Just Claudius.

The
Ghost shakes Hamlet's hand and pats him on the back.Then
the Ghost proceeds to put the picture, the pillow, the
bottle and the funnel back into his coat.

HAMLET
You
have to go so soon?

The
Ghost points to the horizon.

HAMLET

Oh,
I see.The dawn is coming up.OK,
Dad. It
was nice seeing you again.I'll get your revenge
for
you.You can count on me.

The
Ghost waves good-bye and exits.

HAMLET

Hmmmm.Now what am I going to do?I
can't just go downstairs and
kill Claudius.This is only
Act
I, and we've still got a
whole
play to fill up.I know!I'll
pretend I've
gone crazy.That
won't help me get revenge,
but
it should take up a few hours,
and it may
liven things up
around here.

Enter
Horatio, Bernardo, and Francisco.

BERNARDO

Lord
Hamlet!

FRANCISCO

What
news, my lord?

HAMLET

Listen,
boys, I don't want any of
you to ever say
a word about seeing
that ghost, all right?

OPHELIA
Have you noticed anything peculiar about Prince
Hamlet recently?

POLONIUSHamlet?He's always been peculiar,
... but now
that you mention it, he has been acting very
strangely late.Why do you
ask?

OPHELIAHe came to my
room just now.He took
me by
the wrist and held me hard, then he fell to such
perusal of my face as if he would draw it, and then
he raised a sigh so piteous and profound, ...I
think he loves me.

POLONIUSThis sounds
like the very ecstasy of love!Have
you
given him any hard words of late?

OPHELIAI've been
refusing to see him, as you told me I must.You ordered
me to stay away from him because he
would never be permitted to marry someone of my
lowly station.

POLONIUS

I was wrong!He truly loves you,
and your rejection
has driven him mad!In the morning e
must go to the
King.

Polonius
exits.Ophelia watches him go off.

OPHELIAMy poor
foolish father.How easy
it is to lead you
from the truth.If the King as
readily believes
these
lies of Hamlet's love, then soon shall I shall be
Queen of Denmark!

Ophelia
exits after Polonius.Enter
Horatio with the Ghost
of Hamlet's father.They have been
listening to the preceding
scene.

HORATIOHey Ghost,
did you hear that?It's
a good thing we
decided to spy.That lady's gonna
make trouble
for
Hamlet.I got to remember
to warn him!

The
Ghost nods in agreement.Exeunt
Horatio and the Ghost.

*********************************************************

Scene
II

Scene
II takes place in a room in the Castle.This
room

has an arras (a tapestry wall hanging.)Enter
the King and
Queen, followed by ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN. Rosencrantz is a portly fellow with a tiny mustache, who
affects very polished manners.Guildenstern
is thin and speaks
with an English accent.

KING
Welcome, dear Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
Moreover, that we much did long to see you, the
need we have to use you did provoke our hasty
sending.

ROSENCRANTZ
Your Majesties!

Rosencrantz
makes a very deep bow.Guildenstern
taps

Rosencrantz on the shoulder and points to Claudius.

GUILDENSTERN

Who's he?

ROSENCRANTZThat's the
King!

GUILDENSTERNI thought you
said the King was dead.

ROSENCRANTZThe old King
is dead.This is the
new King!

Guildenstern
looks at the King very carefully.

GUILDENSTERNHe doesn't
look very new to me.

Rosencrantz
speaks to the King.

ROSENCRANTZPlease
forgive my friend, your Majesty.We've
had a very long trip, and he's tired.

GUILDENSTERN

No I'm not.We had a nap after lunch...

Rosencrantz
glares at Guildenstern, silencing him.

KING
I trust that you have heard

something of Prince
Hamlet's transformation.I don't
know what
may have caused this sudden change in him.You are two of his
oldest and dearest friends.Perhaps
you can tell us what is the
matter.

QUEEN
Good gentlemen, Hamlet has often talked of you.
I'm sure there aren't two men living of whom he
is more fond.Please stay with us
awhile, and we
will see that you are well rewarded.

ROSENCRANTZ
It will be our pleasure to obey your every command,
your Majesties.

GUILDENSTERN
That's right!After all, you are
the King, even if you're
not dead yet, so if there's anything we can do to make
your job any

easier, just call on us.

ROSENCRANTZHe means
we're ready to do whatever you tell us.The
most difficult task won't be too difficult for us to attempt!Isn't that right, Guildenstern?

GUILDENSTERN

Yes, and the
simplest task won't be simple enough for us
to do either.What is it you want
us to do,
anyway?

KINGTell us what
is wrong with Prince Hamlet!!!

Rosencrantz
and Guildenstern confer privately in whispers,

then Guildenstern speaks.

GUILDENSTERN

We heard he's
gone screwy.

KINGWe know that!Find out why he's gone screwy!!!

ROSENCRANTZWe'll do our
best, your Majesty.

QUEEN
Go, and find Prince Hamlet!

Exeunt
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.Enter
Polonius.

POLONIUSMy good lord,
the ambassador from Norway has
returned!

KING
I trust he brings good news.

POLONIUSThat reminds
me, I think I have discovered the cause
of Hamlet's lunacy.

KINGOh?That is something I long to hear!

POLONIUS

First listen
to the ambassador.My
news shall be the
fruit to that great feast.

KINGGo then, and
bring in the ambassador.

Polonius
exits.The King turns to the Queen.

KINGDid you hear
that?Polonius thinks
he has discovered
the source of your son's strange behavior.

QUEEN

I don't think it is anything but his father's death, and our
o'er hasty marriage, but we shall

see.

Re-enter
Polonius with VOLTIMAND, the ambassador from

Norway.

KINGWell, what
news from the King of Norway?

VOLTIMANDThe King was
very surprised by your letter.He
thought young Fortinbras was preparing to invade
Poland, but when he found that Fortinbras actually
meant to attack Denmark, he rebuked him most
severely.Young Fortinbras then
promised the King
he would never invade Denmark, but asked if he
might invade Poland instead.He
would like your permission to
bring his army through Denmark, on
his way to attack the Poles.

KINGWell, that
sounds like a reasonable request.Go
back
to Norway, and give young Fortinbras my permission
|
to bring his army through Denmark.

Exit
Voltimand.The King turns to
Polonius.

KING

Now, Polonius, tell us your

news!

POLONIUS
I have a daughter.She has told

me that Hamlet has
been sending her love letters.I
said to her,
"Lord
Hamlet is a prince, and above thy station!Avoid him!"She has avoided him, and since
that time, he
has gone mad!

KING
Could this be true?

QUEEN
It may be.

POLONIUSMy daughter
has given me an idea.Prince
Hamlet often walks alone
here in this part of the castle.Tomorrow my daughter will
wait to meet him here.
We shall hide behind this arras, and see what happens
then.

KING
We will try it.

Enter
Hamlet, reading a book.

QUEEN

Look, how
sadly the poor wretch comes reading.

POLONIUS
Leave me to
talk with him alone.

Exeunt
the King and Queen.

POLONIUSHow does my
lord Hamlet?

HAMLET
Booga-booga-booga!

POLONIUSDo you know
me, my lord?

HAMLET
Let's see, ...Aren't you Abie the
Fishman?

POLONIUS

Not I, my
lord.

HAMLET
No, I guess that was another play.It's
too bad.There were a
lot more laughs in that show.So,
who are you, anyway?No, wait!Let me guess!Have you got
a daughter?

POLONIUS
I have, my lord.

HAMLETTell me, ...
does your daughter fool around?

POLONIUSNever!

HAMLETGood, because
you know what fooling around can
lead to, don't you?Grandchildren!And

grandchildren
can lead to great-

grandchildren!You know,

there'd
be a lot less fooling around here in Denmark if you
old people would just stop having grandchildren!And at your
age too!!!You should be ashamed
of yourself!

POLONIUSMy daughter
is a modest, virtuous maiden.She
will make some man a fine wife.

HAMLETGood, have
her make one for me.In
fact, I'll take
half a dozen.No,
make it a dozen.Christmas is coming up,
and I need some

gifts for my friends.

POLONIUS

What do you read, my lord?

HAMLETWords, words,
words.I can never
remember this
scene, so I keep a copy of the script in

here.

POLONIUSThough this
be madness, yet there is method in it.

Enter
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.

POLONIUSFare you
well, my lord.

Polonius
goes over to speak to Rosencrantz and

Guildenstern.

POLONIUSYou go to
seek Prince Hamlet.There
he is.

ROSENCRANTZ
(to Polonius)
God save you, sir!

Exit
Polonius.

ROSENCRANTZ

My most dear lord!

HAMLETEh?

ROSENCRANTZ

Don't you
remember us?I am Rosencrantz,
and
this is my good friend, Guildenstern!

HAMLETMy most
excellent good friends!How
do you
both?

ROSENCRANTZ
Not badly.Not badly at all!

HAMLETOh, really?

GUILDENSTERN

Yes, we get a
big reward if we can find out why
you're screwy.

Rosencrantz
takes Guildenstern aside.

ROSENCRANTZ

You weren't
supposed to tell him

that!That was
supposed to be a secret!

GUILDENSTERN
But he's our friend.If we

can't trust him, who can wetrust?

ROSENCRANTZ

We can't
trust anyone!Now whatever you do,
don't tell
him the King and Queen sent for us.

GUILDENSTERN
You can count on me!

Rosencrantz
and Guildenstern go back over to Hamlet.

HAMLETTell me, why
did you two come to

Elsinore?

ROSENCRANTZWhy, to visit
you, my lord.No other reason.

HAMLET
You weren't sent for?

GUILDENSTERN

Yes,
we weren't.

HAMLETI'm glad to
hear it.Who didn't send for you?

GUILDENSTERNThe King and
Queen.

HAMLET
That's funny, because I've been dying to tell someone
why I've been acting so crazy, but I wouldn't want
to tell anyone who

wasn't sent for by the King and
Queen.

Rosencrantz
takes Guildenstern aside.

ROSENCRANTZWhat do we
say now?

GUILDENSTERN

Let's tell
him we were sent for.

ROSENCRANTZ
That's a good idea.

They
go back over to Hamlet.

GUILDENSTERN

My lord, we
were sent for.

ROSENCRANTZNow tell us
what's the matter with you.

HAMLETI have of
late, but wherefore I know not, lost all my
mirth.Well,
maybe not all my mirth, but
I certainly
haven't been having a very good time lately, especially
since you boys showed up!

ROSENCRANTZ

I understand
perfectly!You're depressed!

GUILDENSTERN

Does that
mean we can collect

the reward now?

ROSENCRANTZ

Certainly
not!Hamlet's our friend!What kind of
friends would we be if we didn't do something to
cheer him up?

GUILDENSTERN
Well, if we got the reward, we could go out and buy
him a vanilla ice cream cone.That always
cheers me
up when I'm decompressed.

ROSENCRANTZHamlet's
problems are psychological!He
needs to
talk about them, and get them out into the open.

Rosencrantz
turns back to Hamlet.

ROSENCRANTZWhy don't you
tell us more about how you feel?

HAMLET
Very well.I didn't want to tell
you, but you forced
it out of me.Oh, I'm so ashamed.I just found out ...I just found out
my two best friends are a couple of
morons.

ROSENCRANTZNo wonder
you're depressed!I'd be
depressed too
if I found out my best friends were morons.Wouldn't
you, Guildenstern?

GUILDENSTERN

I certainly
would, Rosencrantz, but I'd still be your
friend anyway, in spite of it!

Rosencrantz
suddenly suspects that Hamlet has insulted

them.

ROSENCRANTZ

Wait just a
minute!I thought we were your
best
friends.

HAMLET
I hate to break it to you boys, but I don't think either
one of you could pass the aptitude test to become
court fools.

GUILDENSTERNWe could too!

ROSENCRANTZCome,
Guildenstern.We don't have to stay
here to
be insulted.

HAMLETNo, you
probably don't.But wait!Don't go!I'm
sorry.It's just that I've been so insane
lately.What a piece of work is a man!How
noble in reason. How
infinite in faculties!In form
and
moving how express and admirable!In
action
how
like an angel! In apprehension how like a god!

There, if that doesn't convince you
I'm crazy,
nothing will! Take
a look around this castle

if you
want to see what a piece of work is a man!God's
just lucky he
didn't give out warranties!Oh, I'm
so depressed.

ROSENCRANTZ

We have some
news that may cheer you up, my lord.On our way into
Elsinore, we passed a gentleman
who said he was going to bring back some players to

perform for you tomorrow night!

HAMLETThat's funny.I was just saying to
Horatio how much
I'd like to see a really good play.

Hamlet
addresses the audience directly on the next line.

HAMLET(to audience)
And I bet you folks feel the same way.

Enter
Horatio.

HORATIO

Hey, Hamlet, have I got a deal for you!!!

HAMLET
Why is it that suddenly suicide seems like a good
idea?

HORATIO
You say you want to see a play, so I go out and I
find the finest players in the land, just for you!

HAMLETReally?When can I see them?

HORATIONot so fast.First you got to talk to their manager.

HAMLET
Who's their manager, as if I couldn't guess?

HORATIOIt's funny
you should ask.When

I found these
players, they're the finest players in the land,
but guess what?They haven't got
a manager!So what can I do?My friend Prince Hamlet wants to see
a play, but how's he going to hire
these players without a manager?Then
I get a wonderful
idea!!!I'll be their manager!

GUILDENSTERN

Gee, isn't he
a swell guy?

ROSENCRANTZ

He certainly
is!

HAMLET
How much are you going to charge

me to see these
players?

HORATIO

Twenty kroner.

HAMLETTwenty
kroner?That's not bad.

HORATIOThat's just
to see them.Now if you want them
to
put on a play, that's another fifty kroner.

HAMLET
What kind of play will they put on for this ... total
of seventy kroner?

HORATIOWell, there's
two kinds of

plays.There's good
plays and bad plays.If you want a
good play, it's
an extra fifty kroner.

HAMLETWell
then, have them put on a bad play.

HORATIOI'm sorry,
they don't do bad plays.They've got
a
reputation to hold up.

HAMLETA hundred and
twenty kroner sounds right for a
hold-up.Is that
the entire cost?

HORATIO

Sure, that's
the whole price.One
hundred and
twenty kroner for a real good play.Oh, I almost forgot to ask, you don't want them to learn their
lines, do you?

HAMLET

No, I
wouldn't think of it.

HORATIO
Cause
if you did, that would be another
thirty
kroner.

HAMLET
Just
have them read the lines.

HORATIO
They can't read.

.
HAMLET
On
second thought, why be stingy?Let them
learn their lines!We've got a deal then!One
hundred and fifty kroner.

Hamlet
pays the money to Horatio.Enter
Polonius.

POLONIUS
My
lord, there are some men at the
castle gate,
who claim to be players
....

HAMLET
Then
let them in!Let them in!

Polonius
goes to get the players.

HAMLET
I'm
really looking forward to this.It's about time
we had some
good sophisticated adult drama
around here.

Polonius
comes back in with the three players:the
FIRST PLAYER
is a grumpy, bossy man with a Prince Valiant-type haircut,
the SECOND PLAYER has very frizzy hair, and the THIRD
PLAYER is a fat, bald idiot.

HAMLET
So
these are the finest players in
the land?

HORATIO
They
must be.No one else can get
these prices!

HAMLET

Well,
let's see what they can do.Give me a sample.I want
to
hear something old and classical.

Hamlet
turns to the First Player.

HAMLET
Do
you know "The Death of Priam"?

FIRST
PLAYER
I
didn't even know he was sick!

HAMLET
Well,
that's old, but it isn't classical.That's one of
the oldest
jokes I've ever heard.How
is it that you
don't know the
famous speech about the death
of
King Priam?All great actors
know that speech!Your
manager
here said that you were the
finest
players in the land!

THIRD
PLAYER
We
are!We get fined in every town
we play in!

The
Third Player laughs.The First
Player slaps the Third Player
on the forehead, and the Third Player squeals.

SECOND
PLAYER

Listen,
we're very good at what we
do!

HAMLET
And
what is it you do?

SECOND
PLAYER
Mostly
we call each other names, make
funny noises,
hit each other,
and poke each other in the
eye.

HAMLET

Is
there much of an audience for that?

THIRD
PLAYER
Certainly!!!

POLONIUS
I
have heard of these players, my
lord.They are
very successful.

HAMLET
I
repeat:What a piece of work is
a man!How noble
in reason!

FIRST
PLAYER
You
still want a sample?Watch what
we can do!

HAMLET
Are
you going to hit the fat guy again?

FIRST
PLAYER

Sure,
if that's what you want.

HAMLET
Only
if you keep it up until you kill
him. Actually,
I was hoping
for something a little more
refined.

THIRD
PLAYER
We're
very refined.Whenever we go
into a town,
right after we get
fined once, we always get
re-fined.

The
Third Player laughs.The First
Player slaps him on the forehead,
and he squeals.

HAMLET
This
could quickly become monotonous.

The
First Player hits the Second Player on the forehead.

SECOND
PLAYER

Ow!!!What did you hit me for?

FIRST
PLAYER
Variety!

HAMLET

Couldn't
you do something poetic,
with lots of
conflict, a tragedy
about man's inhumanity to
man?

HORATIO

Why
didn't you say that's what you
wanted?These guys
specialize
in that!

PLAYERS
We
do?

HORATIO

Sure!Do the show I taught you this
afternoon.You remember,
the
one with poetry and conflict.

HAMLET
What's
this show called?

HORATIO
"Simple
Simon," by Mother Goose.

ROSENCRANTZ
Say,
I think I know that one.

FIRST
PLAYER
Watch
this!

The
First Player and the Third Player run off opposite sides
of the stage.The Second Player
steps to center stage
and clears his throat.

SECOND
PLAYER
This
afternoon, we bring you a classic
tale of hunger
and greed,
that famous poem known the
world over....
"Simple Simon."

There
is a long pause.

HAMLET

Well?

SECOND
PLAYER

I
forgot how it starts.

The
First Player runs on.He wears a
chef's hat and apron.He slaps the Second Player on the forehead.

FIRST
PLAYER
"Simple
Simon met a pie-man..."

The
First Player runs back off-stage.

SECOND
PLAYER
Oh
yes!(Ahem.)

Simple
Simon
Met
a pie-man
Going
to the faire!

The
First Player, dressed as a pie-man, and carrying a big cream
pie, enters from one side of the stage.The
Third Player,
singing stupidly, enters from the other side.

THIRD
PLAYER
La-la-lee-la-la!

SECOND
PLAYER

Said
Simple Simon,

To
the pie-man,

THIRD
PLAYER

Let
me taste your ware!

SECOND
PLAYER
Said
the pie-man,

To
Simple Simon,

FIRST
PLAYER

Show
me first your penny!

SECOND
PLAYER
Said
Simple Simon,
To
the pie-man,

THIRD
PLAYER
In
truth, I haven't any!

FIRST
PLAYER

Oh,
a deadbeat!

The
First Player hits the Third Player in the face with the
pie.

THIRD
PLAYER
Oh!Vanilla custard!My favorite!

The
Third Player laughs.The First
Player slaps the Third Player
on top of his head, and the Third Player squeals.All
three Players bow, banging their heads together.Horatio, Polonius, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern all applaud
enthusiastically.Horatio turns to
Hamlet.

HORATIO
Pretty
good stuff, eh?

HAMLET
Boys,
I think you've captured the
essence of human
existence, and
now that you've captured it, I
hope
you'll never let it out again.No, on second thought,
I want
you to perform for Claudius tomorrow
night.He deserves to
see
this.Polonius, show these men
to their rooms.

Polonius
leads out the Second and Third Players.Hamlet
grabs
the First Player by the arm to speak with him privately.

HAMLET
Wait
a second, I want to talk to you.Can you play
"The Murder of
Gonzago"?

FIRST
PLAYER
Sorry,
I never heard of it.

HAMLET
All
right, can you play "The Queen
of Hearts"?It's by
the same
author as "Simple Simon."You
remember,
"The Queen of Hearts,
she made some tarts..."

FIRST
PLAYER
Yes,
my lord, we know that one.

HAMLET

I
figured you would.We'll have it
tomorrow night.But I've got
a
few special changes I want you to
put in.I'll come by and give
them to you later.Now go
to
your room!

The
First Player exits.

ROSENCRANTZ

That
certainly was a fine performance,
wasn't it?

GUILDENSTERN

I'll
say!

ROSENCRANTZ
Didn't
you think the roles were particularly
well cast?

GUILDENSTERN

I
thought the pie was well cast.Were
there rolls in it
too?I didn't
see the rolls.

HAMLET

Go
to your rooms!!!

ROSENCRANTZ

Good-bye,
my lord.

GUILDENSTERN

So
long!

Exeunt
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, bowing to Hamlet.

HAMLET
Oh,
what a rogue and peasant slave
am I!Is it
not monstrous that
these players here can slap
each
other around like that, and I
can't even lay a
finger on Claudius?They hit each other, hurt
each
other, and all I can come
up with is clever banter!
I'm
nothing but a coward, a Noel Coward!Well,
maybe not such an ol'
coward, more of a young
coward.And after all, I have no
real proof that
Claudius killed
my father.All I've got is
the word
of a ghost who can't even
talk!I know what I'll
do.I'll
have these players perform something
like
the murder of my father.If Claudius looks guilty,
I'll know he did it!The
play's the thing, wherein
I'll
catch the conscience of the King!

Exit
Hamlet.

*********************************************************

ACT
III

Scene
I

Scene
I takes place in a room in the castle.This
is the same
room as in Act II, Scene II.Enter
the King, Queen, Polonius,
Ophelia, Rosencrantz, and Guildenstern.

KING
And can you, by no drift of circumstance, get
from him why he puts on this confusion, grating so
harshly all his days of quiet with turbulent and
dangerous lunacy?

Rosencrantz
and Guildenstern consult with each other in whispers.

GUILDENSTERNWould you
mind rephrasing the question?

KING
Have you found out yet why Hamlet's gone
screwy?

ROSENCRANTZ

We're making progress, your majesty, but he
hasn't told us the whole story yet.

QUEEN
Well, what has he told you?

GUILDENSTERN

He's oppressed because man is a piece of work,
who fills out forms with infinite reasons... and
moves like an admiral on an express, and...and
is apprehensive of god,.... and his two best friends
are a couple
of morons!

ROSENCRANTZ
But we do have some good news, your majesties!Some traveling players
have arrived at the castle,
and your son is going to have them put on a play!

KINGHmmmm, maybe
this play will take his mind off of
whatever it is that is troubling him so much.The next time you
see Hamlet, do your
best to keep
him in a good mood!

Exit
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.

KINGNow Gertrude,
I would like you to leave us alone
for awhile, while I try to discover what is the matter
with your son.I have sent for him,
and Polonius and I will
hide and watch while he meets Ophelia.We should be able to tell from his reactions if
it is
really love that is causing him to act so strangely.

QUEEN

Very well.Ophelia, I hope you can
do something
about all this.I
do not understand what has gotten
into that boy!

Exit
Queen.

POLONIUS
Ophelia, you stand here and wait for Hamlet.The
King and I

shall hide behind this arras.

The
King and Polonius exit behind the arras.Enter

Hamlet.

HAMLETTo be, or not
to be; that is the question.

Hamlet
starts speaking directly to the audience.

HAMLETIf you can
answer the question, you win fifty dollars,
which you'll have to split among the lot of you.To
be, or not to be? Does anyone have
the

answer?

Hamlet
points to a member of the audience.

HAMLET
You?I'm sorry, anything you have
is obviously no
good.Including
your date.

Hamlet
suddenly turns somber.

HAMLET

Oh, why don't I just kill myself now, and let you
folks go home early?Better yet,
why don't you
folks kill yourselves now, and let me go home early?You can
take my word for it, you've seen the best
part of the show.It's
all downhill from here.So what do you
say to a little mass suicide?Just
think
of it, I wouldn't even have to take a curtain call,
and you folks could make theater history.Well,
come on!What are you waiting
for?You're not
afraid of a little death, are you?Are you?But then,
maybe you should be afraid.Who knows what
would happen to you if you did kill yourselves?In your
next life, you
might have to watch this play
rewritten for Abbott and Costello!

Ophelia,
tired of waiting for Hamlet to notice her, calls to
him.

OPHELIA
Hamlet!

HAMLET
What's
this?The fair Ophelia!

Suddenly
Horatio rushes on stage, grabs Hamlet, and pulls him
over to one side of the stage, away from Ophelia.Horatio
speaks privately to Hamlet.

HORATIO
Hey,
Hamlet, I just remembered.You
gotta watch
out for Ophelia.She
wants to marry you so she
can
be Queen!

HAMLET

Oh
yeah?We'll just see about that!

Exit
Horatio.

OPHELIA

Good
day, my lord.

HAMLET

Says
you!

OPHELIA
It's
been many days since I've seen
your honor.

HAMLET
Let's
keep my honor out of this.You'd
like to see
my honor, wouldn't
you?Well, that's too bad,
because it's private, see?My
honor's not for sale.Not at
reasonable
prices, anyway.But for
an
unreasonable price, maybe we
could make a deal.How much
honor
did you have in mind?

OPHELIA
My
lord, I have some love letters
to return to you.

HAMLET
I'm
sorry, you'll have to come up
with cash on the
line, or it's
no deal.Letters!!!

OPHELIA
You
told me you loved me once, and
I did believe
you.

HAMLET
What?You expect me to believe that
you believed me?Isn't
that
just like a woman!Well, I don't
believe you
believed me,

so
there!Now, do you believe I don't
believe that you believed me?That's a better question
than
"to be or not to be?".

HAMLET
I
think you'd make a mother superior,
so why don't
you get thee
to a nunnery?

OPHELIA
But...

HAMLET
Go!

Ophelia
speaks loudly so that the King and Polonius can hear
her.

OPHELIA
Oh,
what a noble mind is here o'erthrown!

She
turns to Hamlet and hisses a threat at him.

OPHELIA
I'll
get you for this!

Hamlet
shrugs and exits.Enter the King
and Polonius.

KING
That
did not sound like love to me!I don't trust
that fellow one
bit.I'd feel safer if he were
far
from Denmark,... say in England.

POLONIUS
I
still think he has gone mad from
love for my
daughter.After
the play tomorrow night, why
don't we have his mother speak
to him privately,
and I will
hide and listen to what they
say.Then,
if you still think
he is dangerous, you can send
him
to England, or confine him
where you think best.

KING

It
shall be so.Madness in great
ones must not
unwatched go.

Exeunt.

*********************************************************

Scene
II

Scene
II takes place in a hall in the castle.Enter
Hamlet
and the Players.

HAMLET
Speak the speech, I pray you, as I pronounced it to
you!

FIRST PLAYERDon't worry,
your princeship, we'll do everything
just like you said.

HAMLETAnd no
melodramatic gestures!Don't
saw the air
with your hands.

THIRD PLAYER

Relax!I never saw the air with my
hands!I saw the
air with my eyes!

The
Third Player laughs, the First Player slaps him on the forehead, and
the Third Player squeals.

FIRST PLAYERThat's not
what he means!He means
don't do this!

The
First Player saws the air upward with his hand, as the other
Players watch him, and then he suddenly jerks his hand down, giving the other
Players whiplash.

Enter
the Third Player, singing and carrying a table.On the
table are a number of small cream pies, and at least one
large cream pie.

THIRD
PLAYER
La
la lee la la.

Suddenly
the Third Player spots the Second Player, and puts
down the table.

THIRD
PLAYER
Hey!You!What are you doing here?

SECOND
PLAYER

I
came to taste your tarts, my dear!

THIRD
PLAYER

Have
you got rocks inside your head?
If
the King finds us here, we're dead!

SECOND
PLAYER

You
think I'm frightened of that bum?
That
stupid fool!That twerp!That
crumb!
Hey!I'll tell you what I'll do,
I'll
kill the King and marry you!

As
the Second Player continues telling his plans, the real King,
seated in the audience, becomes visibly upset.

SECOND
PLAYER
I'll
wait until he's fast asleep
Out
in his orchard.There I'll creep.
I'll
bring a jar of poison, dear,
And
I will pour it in his ear!

The
King stands, horrified.At this
point, the First Player
enters, unnoticed by the Second Player or the Third Player.

SECOND
PLAYER

As
soon as that poor slob is dead,
I'll
arrange that we'll be wed!
And
you will bake the pies I crave,
While
he is rotting in his grave.

The
Second Player picks up a small cream pie.

KING
Stop
the play!

The
Players are so intent on their play that they ignore the
King.Suddenly, the Third Player
(still in his role as
the Queen of Hearts) spots the First Player.

THIRD
PLAYER
I
think it's high time that I went!

The
Third Player starts to walk off stage.The
First Player
grabs the Second Player and spins him around.The Second
Player accidentally hits the First Player in the face
with the pie.

SECOND
PLAYER
I
didn't mean it!It was an accident!

FIRST
PLAYER

Why,
you...

KING
Stop
the play!

The
First Player picks up a pie, and throws it at the Second
Player.The Second Player ducks,
and the pie hits the
Third Player.The King walks over
to the Players to stop
the play.

KING
Stop
the play!

The
Third Player picks up a large cream pie and starts to smash
it into the face of the First Player.

KING
Give
me some light!!!

The
First Player ducks and the Third Player hits the real King
in the face with the pie.The real
King rushes off stage.The Queen, Polonius, Ophelia, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
follow the King.

FIRST
PLAYER

I think we'd better beat it, boys.

The
Players exit.Only Hamlet and
Horatio are left on stage.

HAMLET
Did
you see that?Did you?Did you
see what the
King did?

HORATIO
Yeah,
he got the pie I wanted.

HAMLET
And
he stopped the play before the
best part!Right before the
big
musical number!

Re-enter
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.They
walk hesitantly
up to Hamlet.

GUILDENSTERN
We
have a message for you from your
mother.

HAMLET

Yes?

ROSENCRANTZ
She
wants to speak to you in her room
before
you go to bed.

HAMLET
All
right.

He
looks at Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, who obviously have
something else on their minds, but who are reluctant to
speak up.

HAMLET
Do
you boys have anything else on
your minds?

Rosencrantz
and Guildenstern remain silent.

HAMLET
Do
you have anything on your minds?Do you
have minds?

Rosencrantz
and Guildenstern look at each other, and then Guildenstern
summons up the courage to speak to Hamlet.

GUILDENSTERN

We
still don't know why you're screwy.

At
this point the Players walk in playing recorders.They do
not play very well.

FIRST
PLAYER
Since
the King didn't seem to

like our play, we
thought he might
enjoy some music.Where
is
the King?

HAMLET

Let
me see that.

Hamlet
snatches one of the recorders.He
looks at it, then
hands it to Guildenstern.

HAMLET
Here.Play upon this pipe.

GUILDENSTERN
My
lord, I cannot.

HAMLET
I
pray you.

GUILDENSTERN

Believe
me, I cannot.

HAMLET
Please.I beseech you.

Suddenly
Hamlet's voice turns threatening.

HAMLET
Play
it!!!

Guildenstern
is near tears.

GUILDENSTERN

I
don't know how to play the pipe.

HAMLET
You
don't, eh?Then you must think
I'm simpler
than this pipe!You think you can get all my
secrets out of me just by asking,
but you can't get
anything
out of this pipe!You're
willing to play on
me, aren't
you?You think it's easier
to play on me
than this pipe!You thought you could play
me, so
surely you can play a
simple pipe!Go ahead!Play it!!!

GUILDENSTERN

(weeping)
But
I don't ... I . . .

HAMLET
Play
it!

Guildenstern
tearfully tries to play the pipe.To
his surprise,
beautiful music comes out.Guildenstern
takes the
pipe away from his lips to examine it.He
can't

figure
out how he managed to play it.He
gives up trying to
figure it out, shrugs his shoulders, and happily begins to
play again.Guildenstern continues
to play very complicated,
rich, classical music.He plays
like an expert,
even though he doesn't know how.Guildenstern
stops
playing and smiles happily at Hamlet.

HAMLET
Excuse
me, I think I hear my mother
calling.

Exit
Hamlet.Exeunt all.

*********************************************************

Scene
III

Scene
III takes place in a room in the castle.Enter
the King,
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.

KING
I like him not, nor stands it safe with us to let his
madness range.Therefore prepare
you.I
shall
execute a commission for you
to take him with
you to England.Go!Get ready!

Rosencrantz
and Guildenstern bow and exit.Enter
Polonius.

POLONIUS
My
lord, he's going to his mother's
room.I'll get there first
and hide behind the arras and listen to what they say.
I'll
tell you everything.

KING
Thank
you, my good friend.

Exit
Polonius.

KING
Oh
my offense is rank, it smells to
heaven.I have murdered my
own
brother.Prince
Hamlet knows
what I have done; I'm sure
of
it.He puts on a mask of madness,
while
he plots against me,
and I deserve to be
plotted against.I've killed my brother!I
should pray for forgiveness,
but how can I?I
still
have my crown and my queen,
and I
will not give them up.I will not show
repentance.Alas,
there can be no
forgiveness
without repentance, can
there?

The
King kneels, sorrowfully, as if in prayer.Enter Hamlet.He is startled to see the King.Hamlet
muses to himself.The King is unaware of Hamlet's presence.

HAMLET
What's
this?The King! I could kill
him now,
while he's alone.It
would be easy.I could
run him
through while he's praying and
send
him straight to heaven, which
is better than
he deserves ...
much better.He's praying,
which
means if I killed him now, he'd
go
straight to heaven, ... and
I'd be left down
here in Denmark.He'd like that, I'll bet!I can just see him up there,
laughing at me!Why
shouldn't
he laugh?He gets heavenly
bliss, and I'm stuck here
with Rosencrantz
and Guildenstern!He'd think that

was
pretty
funny, the lout!Well,
I'll show him.

Hamlet
strides over to the King.

HAMLET
I
wouldn't kill you now if you begged
me!So
there!

Exit
Hamlet.The King is bewildered.

KING
Maybe
he really is crazy after all.

Exit
the King.

*********************************************************

Scene
IV

Scene
IV takes place in the Queen's bedroom.Enter
the Queen
and Polonius.

HAMLET
Go,
go, you question with a wicked
tongue.And thou hast my
father
much offended!

QUEEN
Have
you forgotten who I am?

HAMLET
No!You are the Queen, your husband's
brother's wife; and -- would
it were not so --
you are my
mother!And thou hast my father
much offended!Let's see you
top that!

QUEEN
I
don't understand a word you're saying.

HAMLET
No,
you wouldn't, would you?All
you did was
marry your own brother-in-law,
my uncle.
That's
all you did, relatively speaking.Did you
ever stop to think
where we'd be if everyone
married
my uncle?Why, we'd be up
to our ears
in aunts, for one thing,
and that's no picnic.

QUEEN
I
give up!I can't talk to you.

The
Queen starts to stand.Hamlet
pushes her back down into
her chair.

HAMLET
Oh
no, you're going to take a good
hard look at
yourself and face
the ugly truth.

The
Queen panics.

QUEEN
What
are you going to do?You won't
murder me?Help!Help me!

POLONIUS
(behind
the arras)
What?Help!Help!

HAMLET
How
now!A rat!

Hamlet
stabs Polonius through the arras.

POLONIUS
(behind
the arras)
Oh,
I am slain!

Polonius
falls and dies, still behind the arras.

HAMLET
Is
that the King?

Hamlet
pulls aside the arras and discovers Polonius.

HAMLET
Oops.Well, I guess the joke's on
me.I just
killed the wrong man!I'll tell you what, Mom,
you
keep quiet about this to Claudius,
and I won't
tell him about
the strange man hiding in your
bedroom.

QUEEN
Oh
what a rash and bloody deed is
this!

HAMLET
Oh,
so now you're going to blame all
this on me!Some mother you
are!If you hadn't married my
uncle,
none of this would have happened,
and we
could all be performing
"The Merry Wives of
Windsor"
somewhere.Why couldn't
you have
stayed married to
my father?My father!Now
there's
an ideal husband!

QUEEN
But
your father is dead.

HAMLET
That's
what I mean.He's quiet, undemanding,
and
you don't have to
cook for him.But you preferred
to marry a pig like Claudius
and make him the new
Danish
King.Claudius!He's the
cheesiest Danish
I've ever seen.Aren't you ashamed?

QUEEN

Stop!I refuse to listen to another
word!

Enter
the Ghost.

HAMLET
Now
here's a King who knows how to
rule!

The
Ghost takes out a yardstick and starts measuring things.

HAMLET
Hey,
this is "Hamlet," not "Measure
For Measure!"

QUEEN
Hamlet,
what are you talking about?

HAMLET
I'm
talking to him!Don't you see
him?

QUEEN
Who?

HAMLET
She
can't see you!

The
Ghost delights in the fact that the Queen can't see him.He goes over to her and makes a horrible face right in
front of her.He's having a great
time.

HAMLET
Yeah,
you might as well enjoy yourself.

QUEEN
I'm
not enjoying this one bit!

The
Ghost mimes an imitation of the Queen.

HAMLET
What
a couple you two make!

QUEEN
What
couple?There's only one of
me.

HAMLET
Yeah,
but you're shaped like a pear.

The
Ghost suddenly notices the corpse of Polonius.The Ghost
is shocked.He turns to Hamlet for
an explanation.

ROSENCRANTZ
Pardon
us, your lordship, but we happened
to
overhear a certain rumor
that a slight accident
might
have befallen Polonius, and
we thought
perhaps we might offer
you our humble assistance
to
help you dispose of the ...earthly
remains.If
you have no objections,
of course.

HAMLET
Sorry,
boys, the body stays hidden.

GUILDENSTERN
Why
don't you tell us where you hid
it, so we can
make sure we don't
look for it there?

HAMLET
Bring
me to the King.

Exeunt.

********************************************************

Scene
III

Scene
III takes place in a room in the castle.Enter
the King
with ATTENDANTS.

KING
I have sent to seek him and to find the body.
How dangerous is it that this man goes loose!

Enter
Rosencrantz.

KING
Well?Did you find the body?

ROSENCRANTZ

No, your majesty.He wouldn't tell
us where it is.

KING

Then where is Hamlet?

ROSENCRANTZ

Guildenstern!Bring in Hamlet.

Enter
Guildenstern and Hamlet.

KING
Now, Hamlet, where's Polonius?

HAMLET
At supper.

KING
Supper?Where?

HAMLET
Not where he eats, but where he is eaten.By
maggots.Do you e\realize that we
fatten chickens
and cows to fatten ourselves, and we fatten
ourselves to fatten maggots.But
who do the
maggots fatten?It's time the
maggots learned that
there's no free lunch.So here's
your bill for
Polonius.Oh, I'm sorry, I thought
you were a
maggot.

KING
Hamlet!!!Where is Polonius?

HAMLET
In heaven.You can send a messenger
to find him.If he's not there, seek him in the other place
yourself.If you don't find him in
a month, you
should

be able to nose him out as you

go up the
stairs into the lobby.

KING
(to the Attendants)
Go seek him there.

HAMLET
He will stay till you come.

Exeunt
the Attendants.

KING
Hamlet, I've arranged for you to go to England.
I want you to leave at once!

HAMLET
Anything you say.To England!
Farewell,
Mother.

KING
I'm your uncle, Hamlet, and your step-father.

HAMLET
Well, why not take another step and be a mother.After all, father and mother are man and wife;
man and wife are one flesh.You are
one flesh aren't
you?You look more like a flush.A royal flush, if
you prefer.

Hamlet
turns to Rosencrantz and Guildenstern and gestures

for them to follow him.

HAMLET

Come, for England!

Exit
Hamlet.

KING
Follow him!And do not forget the
commission I
gave you!Deliver it to the English
King!

CAPTAIN and several SOLDIERS from Fortinbras's army.Enter Hamlet, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.

HAMLET
Good sir, whose powers are these?

CAPTAIN
They are of Norway, sir, led by young Fortinbras.We await

permission from the Danish King for
our army to pass through his lands on the way to
Poland.

HAMLET
What's in Poland?

CAPTAIN
The King of Norway would not

permit young
Fortinbras to attack Denmark, so we are
attacking Poland instead.

HAMLET
What for?

CAPTAIN

Young Fortinbras hopes to gain a little patch of
ground, that has no worth for farming or any

other value, save as an excuse

for the shedding of
blood.

HAMLET
I see.

CAPTAIN
God be with you, sir.

Exeunt
the Captain and soldiers.

ROSENCRANTZ

Will you come, my lord?We have
almost
reached the harbor from whence we sail to
England.

HAMLET
I'll be with you in a minute.I
feel another
soliloquy coming

on.

Exeunt
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.

HAMLET
Twenty thousand men march to their graves for a
worthless plot of land.Why can't I
do anything
that violent, or that funny?Everyone
thinks young
Fortinbras is a great prince

because he's going
to kill all those people, and all I've killed is old
Polonius.Some leader I am!Of course,
Young Fortinbras has an advantage --

he's got
an entire army to sacrifice for a useless cause.Whose lives have I got to throw away?

Re-enter
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.

ROSENCRANTZ
The boat awaits you, my lord.

HAMLET
Tell me, boys, how would you two like to serve
your country?

Exeunt.

*********************************************************

Scene
V

Scene
V takes place in a room in the castle at Elsinore.

Enter the King, the Queen and Horatio.

QUEEN
I will not see her.

HORATIO
I don't blame you.She's crazy.

All she does is sing
crazy songs all the time, and she's always telling
everyone about her father's death, and how it's all
your fault.

KING

What?You mean she is sewing
discord among
the people?

HORATIO

What cord?

KING
Discord!

HORATIO
What cord?

KING
Discord!

HORATIO
You keep saying, "dis cord," but I don't see any
cord.

KINGI said she
sews discord.

HORATIO
No, she doesn't sew any cords,

but she plays
some chords when she sings her crazy songs.She keeps acting crazy all the time.I've never
seen anyone act so crazy.

QUEEN
Let her come in.We had better find
out if she is
stirring up trouble among the rabble.

Horatio
exits, and comes back with Ophelia, who seems to

be doing an imitation of Hamlet, loping across the stage with a cigar in her
mouth.She carries a lute, or a
banjo, or some other stringed instrument.

OPHELIA

Where's the beauteous Queen of Denmark?There,
if that doesn't convince you I'm crazy, nothing
will!

QUEEN

Ophelia!

OPHELIA

Oh, feel - yaself!What kind of a
name is Ophelia,
anyway??Is it any wonder the boys
all think I'm
easy?Oh well, easy come, easy go.

She
starts to strum on the musical instrument she carries.

OPHELIA
My first number is, "He Is Dead And Gone."

She
sings:

OPHELIA
He is dead and gone, lady,
He is dead and gone.
We did not want him dead and here,

So he is dead and gone.

KING
She is distracted by her father's death.

OPHELIA
Let's not talk about that!My
second number is
called "Saint

Valentine's Day."

She
sings:

OPHELIA
Tomorrow is Saint Valentine's Day,
And as the sun did shine,

I came, a maid, at your window,
To be your valentine.
Then up he rose, and donned his clothes,
And opened wide the door,

Let in the maid, and made the maid,
So she was a maiden no more.

By gosh, and by Saint Charity,
Alack, and cry for shame!

Young men will do it, if they can do it.
By cock, they are to blame!

Quoth she, "Before you tumbled

me,
You promised me to wed."
He answers:
"So would I have done, by yonder sun,
If thou hadst not come to my bed."

QUEEN
Oh, poor Ophelia.

OPHELIA
I'm not finished yet!

Ophelia
continues her song:

OPHELIA
Quoth she, "That is hypocrisy,
For you begged me into your bed!
So marry me quick, or I'll cut off thy wick-

Ed tongue!"And so they
were wed!

HORATIO
Say, does she remind you of the man who
comes to fix the sink?

KING

How long has she been like this?

OPHELIA
Tell me, do you think it's all

right for a girl to
marry a guy who's killed her father, or is
that considered a breach of

social etiquette?The guy who did it is a real son of a breach.I don't think my brother is going to like this.Maybe you should do something to

make
it up to him, like name him as your heir.
Heir today, and gone tomorrow!

Exit
Ophelia.The King orders Horatio to
follow her.

KING
Guard her closely!Keep a careful
watch, I
pray you.Her grief has driven her
mad.

HORATIO
Don't worry.I'll guard her.

Exit
Horatio.

KING
This is all Hamlet's fault!First he went
mad
and spurned her love; then he killed her

father; and now we have had to bury Polonius
quietly and without ceremony.Worst
of all,
I have heard that Laertes has secretly returned
from France, and the people have fed him
vicious rumors about his father's death!

Loud
noises come from off stage.

QUEEN
What is this noise?

Enter
a MESSENGER.

KING
What's the matter?

MESSENGER
Laertes has returned.The people
have welcomed
him and they cry that they choose him for their
king!I fear they will break down
the doors!

A
crash of doors being broken open is heard off stage.

Enter Laertes.

LAERTES
What has happened to my father?

QUEEN
Calm down, good Laertes!

LAERTES
First tell me what has happened to my father!If he was murdered, I must be revenged!That is my duty as his son!

KING

Believe me, Laertes, I am guiltless of thy father's
death, And I grieve for him.When I
tell you the
whole story, you will see that you have no cause
to blame me.

Enter
Ophelia, still doing a mad impersonation of Hamlet.This time, in addition to her musical instrument, she carries several
large bunches of flowers.

LAERTES
Ophelia!!!Have you gone mad?

Ophelia
sings.

OPHELIA
And will he not come again?
And will he not come again?
They laid him deep in his grave,
'Cause his flesh was decayed,
So he'd better not come again!

She
hits the King and Queen in their faces with flowers.

OPHELIA
Here, have some flowers!You too!Well, aren't you going to put them in water?Do you want

them to rot, like my father?Go put them in water!

The
King and Queen exit with their flowers.Ophelia
drops

her feigned madness, and speaks quickly to her startled brother.

OPHELIA
Hush!I'm only feigning

madness, and while I
pretend, I stir up the angry populace, and
prepare your path to the throne of Denmark!

LAERTES
My path??? But, Hamlet. . .

OPHELIA
Hamlet doesn't stand a chance anymore!It
would surprise me if Claudius hasn't already
arranged for his death.My only
chance for
power is to have you crowned King.

LAERTES
What are you going to do?

OPHELIA
I have arranged with my handmaidens to fake
my own death.I will appear to have
drowned,
and the people will be so angered, and Claudius
will feel so guilty, he must name you as heir to the
throne.Once that is done, and they
lay me in
the ground for burial, you must leap into my grave
and pray for me.I will revive as
if it were

by a
miracle.

LAERTES
It may work!

OPHELIA
It is bound to work, if you play your part.Just
make certain you claim my body as soon as you
hear that I have drowned, and

don't let anyone
examine me too closely.

The
King re-enters, and Ophelia immediately goes back into

her act of madness.

OPHELIA
I thought I'd marry Hamlet and be a Queen
someday, but then my father died and he left
me a poor orphaned waif.I was
hoping he'd
leave me some money.

KING
Laertes, you must come with me, and I will explain
to you everything about your father's death, and
when I am done you will understand it was no
fault of mine.I pray you, come
with me.

Exeunt.

*********************************************************

Scene
VI

Scene
VI takes place in another room in the castle.Enter

Horatio.A SAILOR follows him in.

HORATIO
What?

The
SAILOR hands a letter to Horatio.

SAILOR
Good Horatio, I have a letter for you from
Prince Hamlet.

Horatio
takes the letter, and studies it intently without

saying a word.Then he hands it
back to the sailor.

HORATIO
What's it say?

SAILOR
Can't you read?I thought you were
a great
scholar at the university at Wittenberg.

HORATIO
Sure, at Wittenberg, but this is Denmark!

SAILOR
All right, the letter says, "Dear Horatio,It's great
to be

in England.Unfortunately, I'm in
Denmark.Two days out at sea, we were savagely attacked
by a band of pirates, freebooters, and a dozen

Shakespearean scholars.The
fighting was fierce,
and we were badly outnumbered, so I drew my

sword and joined the other side.Before I knew it,
the boats had

split up again, and I was stuck
with the scholars.After making me
promise never
to perform "King Lear," they let me off on the
shore of Denmark.Please have this
sailor bring
you to me.I have much to tell you,

including the
fates of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern and
King Lear.No, just kidding.Nothing about
King Lear.Your

friend,Hamlet."

HORATIO
OK, take me to Hamlet.

Exeunt.

*********************************************************

Scene
VII

Scene
VII takes place in another room in the castle.Enter the King and Laertes.

KING

Now must your conscience my acquaintance
seal, and you must put me in your heart as
friend.

LAERTES

But why haven't you done

anything to Hamlet?

KING

I have, Laertes, but craftily, so that I will not be
blamed for his death by the Queen, or by the
Danish people, who for some

reason unknown
to me, like the Prince.But set
your mind to
rest; even as we speak, Hamlet has surely
met his death, executed by the King of
England.

Enter
a MESSENGER.

KING
How now?What news?

MESSENGER

A sailor has brought a letter to you from
Hamlet.

KING
What????

The
King takes the letter from the Messenger and reads it.

KING
He's back in Denmark, I know not how!

LAERTES
Then is he to go unpunished, and someday
follow you to the throne?

KING
Laertes, how would you like to follow me?
Help me to be rid of Hamlet, and the succession
is thine.

LAERTES
Say on, good King.

KING
We must plan his death carefully.I
know
that Hamlet is most jealous of your skill as a
swordsman.You shall have a
sporting match
with him.We will arrange that
Hamlet's sword
shall be blunted, as befits a friendly duel, but
your sword shall be unbated so that you may,
as if it were by accident, run him through.

LAERTES
I'll do it.And what is more, to
make certain his
death, I'll anoint my sword with a deadly

poison, so that even if I do but scratch him, he
must die.

KING
And I'll prepare a chalice of poisoned wine for him
to drink, so that if he should escape your envenomed
blade, our purpose will hold.

LAERTES
And should that fail, I will arrange a chandelier to
fall upon him!

KING
And I will build a trap door above a pit of hungry
crocodiles so that...No, on second

thought,
let's just stick with the envenomed sword and
the poisoned wine.That should be
sufficient
to ensure his death.There's no
point in overdoing
it.

They
shake hands.Enter the Queen.She is very upset.

KING

How now, sweet Queen!

QUEEN
Your sister's drowned, Laertes!

LAERTES
Drowned!

QUEEN
There is a willow which grows beside a brook.Ophelia went there to pick flowers.She was
holding onto a branch which broke, and sent
her tumbling into the brook.In her
madness
she did not even try to save herself, but sang
snatches of old tunes as she sank beneath
the surface of the brook.When her
handmaidens
pulled her out, they said she was dead.

Laertes
pretends to be overcome with grief.

LAERTES
Drowned!

Abruptly,
Laertes ends his act and says good-bye to the

King.

LAERTES
Adieu, my lord.

Exit
Laertes.

KING
Let's follow, Gertrude!How much I
had to
do to calm his rage!Now fear I
this will give it
start again; therefore let's

Elsinore.There is a deep grave
which is almost completed.Enter a GRAVEDIGGER who starts to finish digging the grave.Enter Hamlet and Horatio.

HAMLETI will speak
to this fellow.

Whose grave's this,
sirrah?

GRAVEDIGGER
Mine, sir.

HAMLETI think it be
thine indeed, for thou liest in it.

Hamlet
turns and speaks to the audience.

HAMLETWell, what do
you want from a joke that's over
400 years old?

Actually,
Shakespeare's Hamlet was probably written in 1601. So until the
year 2002, Hamlet's line about should be "Well, what do you want from a
joke that's almost 400 years old?" Then in 2002, the line should be
"Well, what do you want from a joke that's over 400 years old."

GRAVEDIGGER
I don't lie.I have dug the grave,
and so therefore
it is mine.

HAMLETWhat man do
you dig it for?

GRAVEDIGGER

For no man, sir.

HAMLET

What woman
then?

GRAVEDIGGER

For none
neither.

HAMLETThen who is
to be buried in it?

GRAVEDIGGER

One
that was a woman, sir; but rest
her soul,
she's dead.

HAMLET
I
think you'd better dig some graves
for these
jokes.How long
have you been a gravedigger?

GRAVEDIGGER
I
started this occupation the day
our late King
Hamlet overcame
old Fortinbras.That was
the
day Prince Hamlet was born.

The
Gravedigger continues digging the grave.He
comes upon
a skull, and tosses it out of the grave.

GRAVEDIGGER
This
graveyard's getting crowded.This skull has
been in the
earth a long time.

HAMLET
Whose
was it?

GRAVEDIGGER

That
was Yorick's skull, the King's
jester.

Hamlet
picks up the skull and looks at it sadly.He
speaks
somberly.In fact, this is the only
time in the entire
play when Hamlet is completely and genuinely serious.

HAMLET
Alas,
poor Yorick!I knew him, Horatio.A
funny little man with
a derby hat and a bamboo
cane.He wore a jacket that was too
small and
shoes that were too
large.He used to walk a
splayfooted
walk, all the while twirling
his cane.And he had a
tiny
little mustache which he used
to twitch back and forth when
he was upset.He was a
funny
little man.And the last time
I saw him, he was a pink-faced,
white-haired
old man who kept
patting my hand and saying,
"Keep
warm.Keep warm."It doesn't
seem
fair that the comedians
should have to die,
just
like everyone else.

Suddenly
Hamlet is no longer serious.

HAMLET
Oh
well.

He
casually tosses the skull over his shoulder and kicks it
away (just as Yorick would have done).Hamlet
hears people
approaching from off stage.

HAMLET
But
soft!Here comes the King, the
Queen, and
the courtiers.Let's
hide and see what's going on.

Hamlet
and Horatio hide behind some gravestones.Enter
the
King, Queen, Laertes and COURTIERS.They
carry the body
of Ophelia wrapped in a shroud.The
body remains covered
by the shroud throughout the entire scene, so we never
actually see the body of Ophelia.

LAERTES
Lay
my sister's body in the earth,
and from her
fair and unpolluted
flesh may violets spring!

The
body of Ophelia is gently placed in the grave.

HAMLET
What?Is that Ophelia?

QUEEN
Farewell,
Ophelia.I had hoped

you
would have
been my Hamlet's bride.I thought to have
decked your
bridal bed with flowers, instead
of
thy grave.

LAERTES
Speak
not the hated name of Hamlet!His wicked
deed has caused
her death!

The
Gravedigger prepares to shovel dirt into the grave.

LAERTES
Wait!Hold off the earth awhile,
till I have caught
her once
more in my arms.

Laertes
climbs down into the grave.

LAERTES
Oh
heaven, I would give up my newly-granted
claim of succession
to the throne, to be buried
with her now.

Hamlet
springs up from his hiding place.

HAMLET

Hey!Get out of that grave!If anyone
has a right
to give up the
throne to be buried with

her,
it is I,
Hamlet the Dane!

Hamlet
leaps into the grave.There is a
horrible crunching
sound as he lands, and perhaps a moan from Ophelia.

LAERTES
Get
off my sister!You just jumped
onto my sister!

Laertes
pushes Hamlet off of the body of Ophelia.

LAERTES
Ophelia!

Laertes
grabs the body.Hamlet tries to
pull it away, banging
the body against the sides of the grave.There
are
faint muffled cries coming from the shroud, but no one notices
them.

HAMLET
Give
her back!

Laertes
and Hamlet have a vicious tug-of-war with the body.Suddenly, Hamlet lets go, and the body slams into the
side of the grave with a sickening thud.

HAMLET
OK!OK, I can tell when I'm not welcome.

Hamlet
climbs out of the grave and exits.Laertes
peeks

inside
the shroud and shudders.He angrily
turns to the gravedigger.

LAERTES
You
might as well go ahead and bury
her now!She's dead.

Laertes
exits sadly.

KING
Gertrude,
we must set some watch over
your
son!

Exeunt.

*********************************************************

Scene
II

Scene
II takes place in a hall in the castle.Enter

Hamlet
and Horatio.

HAMLET
So
much for this.You do

remember
all the
circumstance?

HORATIO
Sure.Your father, he's a ghost,
so you go crazy.Then
you
put on a play, but your

uncle
doesn't like
it, so you kill Polonius.His daughter
Ophelia
wants to marry you, but you
go to England with

Rosencrantz
and Guildenstern, so she
drowns
herself.

HAMLET
Is
that what's been happening?I
certainly am lucky
to have you around
to explain these things

to
me.Anyway, let me tell you

what
happened to me on
the voyage
to England.The first night
on the ship
I couldn't sleep,
so I decided to get something
to
read.What I

decided
to get was the commission
which Claudius had given
to Rosencrantz and

Guildenstern.I snuck into their
cabin and took
the commission.It wasn't very interesting
until
I got to the part
that said that for the good of
England and of Denmark, and for
the peace
that stands between
them, without delay, Prince
Hamlet's head should be cut
off!!!

HORATIO
Was
that the most interesting part?

HAMLET
I
thought so.Didn't you think it
was interesting?

Horatio
is undecided.

HORATIO
Well
...

HAMLET
I
know the writing was a little flat,
so I decided to
make a few

revisions.I rewrote the commission
so that it said that for
the good of England and
of Denmark,
and for the peace that stands
between
them, without delay,
Hamlet should be given

lots
of money and beautiful naked
women.

Hamlet
smiles proudly at Horatio.

HAMLET
Don't
you think that's better?

HORATIO
Why
didn't you say Horatio should
get the money
and women?Then
you'd have something!

HAMLET
You
mean you'd have something!I
put the commission
back in Rosencrantz's
and Guildenstern's cabin.Unfortunately, the next day
we were attacked by
pirates,

and
I never got to England.Oh, I
almost
forgot, ...I did make one
other small change in the
commission,
it's hardly worth mentioning,
really.

HORATIO
What
was that?

HAMLET
I
told the English King to have Rosencrantz
and
Guildenstern put to
death.

Horatio
looks accusingly at Hamlet, who looks a little embarrassed.

HAMLET
Well,
they deserved it, spying on
me for Claudius!Anyway,
this
kind of thing suits them.

I
can just
imagine their reaction
when they find out what the
commission says.I can see them
in my mind's
eye....

OSRIC
Your
lordship is welcome back to Denmark.I bring word from the King.He proposes to
place a wager
on a friendly, sporting duel
between yourself and young

Laertes.The
King shall wager that
in a dozen passes of the
sword,
Laertes shall not exceed you
by three
hits.

HORATIO
Hey,
that's good!That sounds like
fun.

HAMLET
You
think so?All right, tell the
King I'll do it, any
time he's
ready.

OSRIC
I
shall tell him, my lord.

Exit
Osric.Horatio also exits, and
Hamlet calls out

after
him.

HAMLET
Hey,
where are you going?

HORATIO
To
place a bet against you.

Exit
Horatio.

HAMLET
It's
nice to have the confidence of
your friends.There's
something
that bothers me about this
duel.My stepfather, who's

already
tried to kill
me once, has
set up a fencing match with Laertes,
who also hates me.But

Horatio
seems to think
the match is
a good idea, which means I must
be crazy to agree to it!But
what will come will
come.The
readiness is all.And I don't
think
I'm ready yet!!!

Enter
the King, Queen, Laertes, Osric and various other

Courtiers
and Attendants.A moment later
Horatio enters, having
placed his bet.

KING
Come,
Hamlet, come and take this hand
from
me.

The
King gives Laertes' hand to Hamlet.They
shake hands.

HAMLET
Laertes,
I want you to know that I'm
sorry I
killed your father and
caused the death of your
sister,
but I'll forgive and forget
if you will.

LAERTES
(coldly)
I
am satisfied.

HAMLET
Then
let's play the match.Give us
the foils.

KING

Give
them the foils, young Osric.

Osric
brings Hamlet and Laertes two identical, bated

fencing
foils.Laertes and Hamlet each take
one.

LAERTES
This
is too heavy for me.Let me
see another.

Osric
takes Laertes' foil, and goes off stage to get

another
one.

HAMLET
This
one seems OK.

Osric
re-enters with a huge unbated sword for Laertes.It

is
much larger than Hamlet's sword.Laertes
takes the giant,
deadly sword and takes a practice lunge.

LAERTES
Yes,
that's better.

HAMLET
Say,
are these weapons all of the
same length?

OSRIC
Of
course, my lord.

HAMLET
I
just wanted to make sure mine wasn't
longer.I'd hate to have
an
unfair advantage.

KING
Very
well.Let the match begin!

Hamlet
and Laertes fence.Hamlet is fairly
fast and

agile,
and his footwork is unique.He
manages to avoid being
hit by Laertes' sword.

HAMLET
You
know, Laertes, you should play
Horatio
sometime.He's an

expert
on fencing.He'll fence
anything
he can get his hands

on.

Hamlet
manages to hit Laertes.

HAMLET
One!

LAERTES
No.

HAMLET
Judgment?

OSRIC
A
hit, a very palpable hit.

The
King offers Hamlet the poisoned chalice of wine.

KING
Congratulations,
Hamlet.Here is
a chalice
of wine for your refreshment.

HAMLET
Nice
try, Claudius, but it won't work.

KING
What
do you mean, Hamlet?

HAMLET

I
know what you're up to, trying to
get me
drunk!I'm staying sober
for this match!

Hamlet
and Laertes fence.Hamlet scores
another hit.

HAMLET
Another
hit!What say you?

LAERTES
A
touch, a touch, I do confess it.

The
Queen takes the poisoned chalice.

QUEEN
I
drink to thy good fortune, Hamlet.

KING
Gertrude,
do not drink!

QUEEN

I
will, my lord; I pray you pardon
me.

She
drinks.The King speaks quietly to
himself.

KING
It
is the poisoned cup; it is too
late.

HAMLET
Come, Laertes.

They
fence for a while, but no one is hit.They
pause.

OSRIC
Nothing
either way.

LAERTES
Have
at you now!

Suddenly,
Laertes stabs at Hamlet before the match has

started
again.Hamlet is scratched by the
envenomed sword.

HAMLET
That
was an unthrustworthy attack!

They
start to fence again in earnest.Laertes
drops his sword.Hamlet exchanges swords with him.Hamlet
wounds Laertes.Suddenly, the Queen falls.

OSRIC
Look
to the Queen!

KING
She
swoons to see them bleed.

QUEEN
No,
no, the drink, the drink, --

Oh,
my dear
Hamlet, -- the drink,
the drink --

Hamlet
picks up the chalice and offers it to her.

HAMLET
You
want a drink?

QUEEN
I
am poisoned!

She
dies.

HAMLET
What???

Laertes
falls.

LAERTES
Hamlet,
thou art slain.

HAMLET
Don't
be ridiculous!This is a comedy!

LAERTES
Thou
art slain!The treacherous instrument
is in
thy hand,

unbated
and envenomed.Thy mother's
poisoned.The King, the
King's to blame!

Hamlet
is furious.He turns to face
Claudius.

HAMLET
Thou
incestuous, murderous, damned
Dane,
I'll kill you now!!!

However,
before Hamlet can act, he starts thinking again.

HAMLET
But
which shall I use, the envenomed
sword
or the poisoned drink?The sword would be
more bloody
and more certain, but it would
seem too like an honorable soldier's
death.The poison is
a
more ignominious end, but
there
is little left, and how can
I be sure he'd
drink it down.On the other hand, maybe
I
shouldn't kill him at all, now that
his treachery
is known to all,
but let him live on in disgrace,
until the people do....

Everyone
who is still alive yells at Hamlet.

ALL
Kill
him already!Make up your mind
and kill
him!!!

HAMLET

Oh,
what the hell!

Hamlet
stabs Claudius with the envenomed sword, and at the same
time pours the poisoned drink down his throat.

Claudius
dies.

LAERTES
He
is justly served.Exchange forgiveness
with me,
noble Hamlet!I blame you not for mine
and my
father's death.Blame
me not for thine!

Laertes
dies.Hamlet collapses, and Horatio
goes to him.

HAMLET
I
am dying, Horatio.I'd hoped
the ending would
be funnier
than this.

HORATIO
You
want me to tell some jokes?

HAMLET
I
didn't think I'd die, as long as
I kept this a comedy.Maybe
killing
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
wasn't
such a funny idea
after all.Horatio, how is it
that
you're the only major character
to survive?The
only one
in the entire play?

HORATIO
It's
funny you should ask.I didn't
think I was gonna
live.In
fact, I was so sure I was gonna
die, I bet
this guy named Will
Shakespeare 200 kroner that
I'd
die before the play was over,
and what do you
think happens?I lose the bet!Just my
luck, huh?

HAMLET
The
rest is silence.

Hamlet
dies.The sound of military drums
comes from off

stage.

HORATIO
Hey,
what's that noise?

Osric
runs off stage to find out.He
returns.

OSRIC
Young Fortinbras, with conquest comes
from
Poland.

Enter
YOUNG FORTINBRAS and some of his soldiers.Young

Fortinbras
has a ski-slope shaped nose, and speaks with rapid-fire
delivery.

FORTINBRAS

Hi,
this is Young "Happy To Be

Back
In Denmark"
Fortinbras, and I
gotta tell you, I thought I'd seen
bloodshed in Poland, but this
is ridiculous.I was
going to
give the Danish court a

twenty-one
gun
salute, but it looks
like someone beat me to

it.You know, a funny thing happened
on the way
to the castle.I ran into the English Ambassador,
and he told me that Rosencrantz
and Guildenstern
are dead.I said, "Who isn't?"But
I
love Elsinore,
it's gotta be the
only place on Earth where

they
built a moat to protect the people
outside from the
violence inside
the castle.But seriously,
folks,
such a sight as
this becomes the field, but here
shows much amiss.Go bid the
soldiers shoot.

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