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I
believe that there is a continuing revelation of truth in the world - that we
are always going to find new ways to be authentic. Our children's development
is a form of continuing revelation: they will grow and teach us who there are,
what they need, and how they will live in this world.

I also
believe that children - with the right nurture and the right environment -
naturally grow into goodness. That being said, life presents challenges, and
thus we need to talk about how we help our children - and ourselves - deal with setbacks - the concept of resilience.

Resilience is the
ability to bounce back from adversity with positive

outcomes and optimism. We all need it - but
how do we develop it? Here is a list of qualities that we can nurture in our
children to develop this "bounce back" skills:

·Learn how to have positive relationships.

·Cultivate a good sense of humor.

·Develop an "inner compass" and learn right from
wrong.

· Encourage
independence in age-appropriate ways.

· Model and
cultivate a love of learning.

·Model and develop flexibility

·Look for self-motivation in things they are
passionate about - baseball, painting, gymnastics, reading - even if these
passions would not be your first choice for them.

·Honor and applaud competence - self-esteem is
based upon competence, not self-praise...

· Make your
home a place of creativity.

·Model and nurture perseverance: learn a new
skill with your child.

·Recognize spirituality in yourself and your
child: how do you practice as a family respect and awe for the divine?

A major challenge to resilience that many
parents ask about is bullying.
Let's first talk about what bullying is:

1.
Bullying is aggressive behavior that involves unwanted, negative actions.
2. Bullying involves a pattern of behavior repeated over time.
3. Bullying involves an imbalance of power or strength.

It is also important to know that bullying is not teasing
(between friends with no power differential and with a goal of humor and not
aggression) or a random unkind act (which is regrettable but can be addressed
as a single incident).

So what can we do to stop bullying?

1)Teach children to use their words first and ask
for what they want.

2)Empower children to a) find common ground with
others; b) seek positive cohorts who can be allies in positive activities; c)
walk away from bullying situations toward friends and allies; d) remain calm
and confident, and e) (when all else fails) ask for adult help.

3)Avoid solving the situation for children when is
first arises - instead use Fay and Cline's Love and Logic formula
(respond with empathy...pause... "what can you do about this?"...pause... "I love you,
you are a competent child, I am sure you will figure this out"...walk away.

4)Letting us know at school if nothing has helped
and all three criteria for bullying (listed above) have been met.

Here is the text of a Good Housekeeping
"sidebar" on resilience (December 2010 issue, page 124) that staff
writer Jacqueline Nochisaki put together after interviewing me:

Four
simple moves that'll nurture a bounce-back kid from John Scardina, a school
psychologist and parent educator in City Island, NY:

 GIVE
YOUR CHILD THE REINS: When your child is talking about a tough situation, let
her finish, then say, "This must be really tough." Pause. "What
are you going to do about it?" The key here is to show you are tuned
in by acknowledging the pain she is feeling,

 CAST
A VOTE OF CONFIDENCE: As your child formulates a plan, give her a boost by
saying, "I see someone who is caring," or "...strong," or
"...good at x, y, z." Reflecting her assets back to the child helps
her realize she is capable of handling the situation, tough as it may be at
first. "Say, 'I know you can handle this, but if you need help let me
know.'"


CREATE A GRATITUDE LIST: Help a kid going through a tough phase count his
blessings and cultivate optimism: Have your family write up and post a
gratitude list of five to ten things to be grateful for. The message: These
good things in life are here to stay, regardless of challenging situations.
When your child is feeling low, remind him to check the list

 CALL
IN THE PROFESSIONALS: If your child has a rough patch and experiences sleep or
appetite disruption or lethargy, or if you notice a change in relationships
with family or friends, it may be time to have a therapist step in. Ask your
pediatrician, family practitioner, religious leader, or school guidance
counselor for references.

Growing up with Dick and Jane as my school reading book main characters - Dick usually building something and Jane watching with her hands clasped behind her back - gender modeling was pretty straightforward. Those who did not conform with the male and female stereotypes - and those were the only choices our culture seemed to offer - stayed out of sight if they wanted to avoid the pain of stigmatization and punishment.

We now understand that gender - a cultural construct that assigns roles to individuals - and sex - a biological trait based upon anatomy and physiology - are different. There is a continuum - a spectrum (like the rainbow, in fact!) - of gender possibilities, and our assigned gender (what was recorded on our birth certificates) need not be the same as our identified gender. Some of us - called "cisgender" - have our gender expression aligned with our sex. Some of us - called "transgender" - have a gender expression that is not the same as our sex. Can our culture be big enough to embrace both types of individuals?

Children can often be gender fluid, and our role as parents can be to provide the opportunity for exploration of many ways to be our authentic selves. How we dress, what toys we choose, what sports we pursue, and what arts inspire us can all be free of "one story" gender stereotypes. Some of us will also have children who have "girl brains" and "boy bodies" or "boy brains" and "girl bodies" - and thus we will need to find the tools and love and compassion to help these individuals find their own ways of being authentic.

In the end, all parents can treat all children in the following ways to help make our families gender-inclusive:

say "I love you" often;

learn as much as you can about gender issues;

work for equality and inclusion;

become a protector and an ally of all children;

listen;

document your child's awesomeness;

decorate their room as the child sees fit;

use gender-inclusive language that avoids binary gender-bias (like "children" instead of "boys and girls" and "friends" instead of "ladies and gentlemen").

Each of us strives for authenticity - to be our true selves and to do our best work with the gifts we have. All individuals deserve the chance to pursue their dreams and goals - you do, too!

There is a lot of
news these days from different political and cultural points of view about holidays,
statues, and the various ways in which national heroes and patriotic events can
be seen in a new light by having a new perspective. How do we really feel about
Thanksgiving, Robert E. Lee, the Declaration of Independence, or Christopher
Columbus?

We as parents want children who can
think critically - they will be making life-and-death decisions in their teen
years as they learn to drive, face the widespread use of drugs and alcohol, get
involved in intimate relationships, and vote. It is never too early to develop critical
thinking skills - and remember, a young person's brain doesn't fully develop
until age 24, so you can make a difference in their lives for quite a while.

We as a nation want young people
entering the work force who can take on multiple perspectives and make wise and
deliberate decisions. Letting young people lock into one ideology, one point of
view, or one idea about how life should be lived leads to fundamentalism and
intolerance. Our schools and our faith communities do best when we present multiple
points of view, looking at how we are connected rather than how we contradict
one another.

We as a planet need a global
perspective on how our actions affect everyone alive today as well as the
generations to come. Deciding to support the fossil fuel industry in the USA
while other industrialized nations are moving toward independence from fossil
fuels represents a different approach to meeting the needs of all people. Is
the already epidemic rise of childhood asthma in the USA related to the dangers
of unregulated emissions here at home?

SO - what can a parent do?

·Look for
ways to discuss holidays with your children that include multiple perspectives:
How did Thanksgiving turn out for the indigenous peoples of New England? How
can we look at the historical facts, face the difficult choices our ancestors
made, and still maintain the spirit of gratitude and family that we cherish
about this holiday?

·Look at
patriotic events with your children in wholistic terms: When the
Declaration of Independence says "all men are created equal" do we make sure
our children understand that this phrase only pertained to white men of
European descent who held property? How did women and people held in slavery
and indigenous people benefit from this document? (Hint: they didn't...) This was
an historic event to be sure - thus our July 4th fireworks! - but it
didn't change the world for many people living here.

·Find ways
to engage your children in your own process of political discernment: When
someone says "don't dump on the Bronx" but is in fact not talking about garbage
but human beings, we can point out how political rhetoric can be inflammatory
in ways we would not allow our children to speak? Encourage them to look at
candidates with you and practice the skill of making an informed choice when
voting. Your children may have a perspective about a candidate that can inform
your own voting patterns. They will be voting soon enough - and don't we hope
for an informed electorate?

If, as John Dewey
said, the goal of education is to build a new world, then we need to be
educators who open our children's minds and hearts to the multiple
possibilities our future world can embrace.

Friends - this is a revised version of the letter I wrote on 9/11/01. I certainly had hoped it wouldn't be needed so often, but that has not been the case. May we all find ways to develop alternatives to violence in ourselves, our families, our schools, our communities, and our nation.

Talking With Children About Difficult Events

·Remain available to talk about what is
happening. Accept all questions, even if they are repeated over (and over!)
again.

·Be honest. Give facts at an appropriate level
for your child's developmental level. Be willing to say "I don't
know" if that is indeed the case.

·Acknowledge feelings - your own and your
child's. Unsettling events bring up lots of emotions for us - fear, anger,
worry, despair, hope - and that is how it should be. Talking about feelings
helps everyone.

·Let your child know there are people who can
help out in difficult situations. Become people who can help. Find ways to help
those in more need than you. Helping others creates hope for all.

·Limit television viewing of news: vivid images
can be quite disturbing and can cause long-lasting discomfort.

· Use drawing as a way to get disturbing
images out of your child's mind: have them draw the image and then rip up the
picture. This works especially well with nightmares.

·Recognize that headaches, stomach aches, and
sleep disturbances all accompany anxiety and uncertainty. Let your child know
that these are natural reactions to stress and will pass soon.

·Let your children be kids: when they are ready
to just go out and play with their friends, let them do so. Help them - and yourselves - come to terms
with this "new normal" in our world.

We parents know that kids have "radar" - if there is turmoil
or tension in the home or in the community, children pick up on the
emotionality. All of us can have trouble articulating our lack of ease when
things are tough, and children have even more difficulty understanding where
these feelings come from.Instead we see
more stomach aches, more whiny behavior, and more fights between siblings.
(With adults we see road rage, blaming others, addictive behaviors, and general
acting out, right?)

Our world's tension - especially after events like the
Charlottesville violence or the Barcelona attack - has seeped into our psyches.
Some psychologists have said that, since 9/11, we have suffered from a
generalized anxiety disorder as a nation. Fear trumps love for most of us much
of the time, and "the other" - perhaps a person of a different color or race, a
person from a different socioeconomic class, or a person with a different
gender expression - can be greeted with suspicion rather than acceptance if we
are not careful to check in with our initial reactions. (Remember Malcolm
Gladwell's book Blink? Our first reactions are often not representative
of the person we want to be - or think that we already are...).

We are also seeing more depression and anxiety amongst our
children. This leads to general unhappiness, poor school performance, anger
issues, and a tendency to give up on those positive goals that are worth
working for.

So - since we parents create the emotional climate on our
homes, what can we do to provide a healthy home environment for our children
that allows them to go to school as healthy peacemakers rather than unhappy troublemakers?

1.Be clear
about your values as a family: For some of us with a faith tradition to
follow, this is easier: what does my church or temple or mosque say about love
and fear? For those of us who do not have a faith practice - which is a large
portion of the USA population these days - our lifestyle and home need to
project the values we choose and perhaps we need to be more explicit. In the
absence of the Bible or the Torah or the Koran in our daily lives, how explicit
are we with our children about what is important? So - a suggestion: have your family choose a precept or slogan each
month: "be patient with those who are different from us" or "practice random
kindnesses with strangers" or "make a new friend from a very different background
from our own"? (I have borrowed this from the book Wonder by R. J.
Palacio). Post the precept around the house and check in at dinner every day as
to how it is going. Change starts in small ways...

2.Learn to be a peacemaker yourself: Many
of us grew up in households where racism, sexism, classism, and ageism were
part of the normative culture (such as the 1950's in my case). We need to
unlearn some of these old attitudes - even as we profess new beliefs - and
understand that we all can be racist/sexist/classist/ageist at various times. So
- a suggestion: take a workshop like
the Alternatives to Violence Project or Undoing Racism to explore your own
beliefs and to learn how to promote tolerance and inclusion in your own life.

3.Be sure that your child's school is
teaching peacemaking skills: Ask about programs that promote upstander
behavior through bully prevention training
and healing circles through restorative justice practices. Did you know
that the NYC Department of Education is exploring restorative justice training
for all schools to reduce violence and suspensions? So - a suggestion: ask your child's teacher if they would like to know
more about such programs and have them contact me. I would be happy to be a
resource person as we strive to prepare the next generation to be more loving
and tolerant than we have been ourselves.

4.Do something about changing the world:
Volunteer with your kids - pick up the trash on your street - make a donation -
choose whatever irks you about "things as they are" and decide to make a
difference.

Let's have a good school year - and let's help our children
become the peacemakers we sorely need today.

Children's brain
development is a constant process - neurons don't know anything about summer
vacation. There has been much good research about the benefits of year-round
schooling (three months in school, one month off from school, repeat,
etc.) yet we as a culture seem to be
wedded to our present school calendar (which was started to help families in
farm families deal with planting and harvest times - go figure). So - ten weeks
off - how do we keep the learning process fresh and vital?

Here are some ideas
that might be helpful:

1)Read everyday: make frequent trips to the
library, have lots of books around, and make sure there is an equal amount of
reading time as there is screen time (or at least a healthy fraction...). Have a
family read-aloud book that everyone will enjoy, and sit together every evening
you can and read together. Be a good role model and read in front of the kids -
even if it's a magazine or a newspaper. Some families might pick the Bible to
read together, others might pick the Chronicles of Narnia series, still
others might pick Pretty Little Liars. The activity is more important
than the content - reading is a habit you want to nurture.

2)Do some everyday math: Pay your kids for
vacuuming the carpet by the square foot (and have them measure the whole house
while they're at it!). Have them weigh the recyclables every week and see if
you can improve your family efforts to be green. Cook with recipes that you can
double - or half - and teach fractions naturally. Help them learn money skills
when at the store.

3)Have you and your child pick one new
activity to try over the summer - playing the guitar, painting, jogging, sailing, birdwatching - and do it with them. There is good research
on the Suzuki method of music instruction (where a parent and child start
together as beginners playing the violin) that the learning rate improves when
learning a new skill with a parent.

4)Keep a journal of summer activities - be
transparent about how summer learning will help in school and use either a
journal for each child or a family calendar that tracks summer activities on a
daily basis. Journals can work with younger children, too - they can draw
pictures and use inventive spelling to make captions. Send the journal in to
school for show-and-tell in the fall - teachers will appreciate your efforts.

5)Realize that you, too, can be a lifelong
learner and a role model for a lifetime of exploration. What are you waiting
for?

Edward
Burrough, an early convert to Quakerism, described what Quakers are "for" in
1672, writing that:

"We [Quakers] are not for names, nor men, nor
titles of Government, nor are we for this party nor against the other but we are
for justice and mercy and truth and peace and true freedom, that these may be
exalted in our nation, and that goodness, righteousness, meekness, temperance,
peace and unity with God, and with one another, that these things may abound."These words seem especially relevant today as we
seek to educate our community to be informed skeptics of arbitrary power and
discerning judges of character and intention.

Who
are the people in our schools that we send out into the world on graduation day
as they "commence" the next stage of their lives? Do we produce graduates who
will only be successful in conventional ways (money,
achievement, power) or do we produce individuals who will be beacons in
troubled times, helping those around them to find comfort in truthfulness and
courage in doing "the next right thing" in their lives.

Once
you have joined a Quaker community, you will see that there is much to be
celebrated and many good people whose good works have been of value to all. Yet
we must remain vigilant in our application of the testimonies to our everyday
lives:

·Do I value the simplicity of straightforward speech and uncluttered perception so
that I can focus on what is really important?

·Do I seek true peace in my life, not just the absence of war but the presence of
compassion and non-violence?

·Do I maintain my integrity in all I say and do?

·Do I create community,
even with those of different faiths or political views?

·Do I practice equality in my acceptance of others, providing not just the same
gifts to each person but instead the specific gifts each person needs to have
equal access to the "good life"?

·Do I give back in service through an acknowledgement of my own privileged position in
the world, recognizing how my path has been made easier from day one by the
gifts of others?

·Do I practice stewardship in my care for others and for the planet, realizing
that "best practices" are not dictated by government regulations but instead by
individual choices of conscience?

In the words of George Fox, a founding member of the
Religious Society of Friends:

"Be patterns, be examples
in all countries, places, islands, nations wherever you come; that your
carriage and life may preach among all sorts of people, and to them; then you
will come to walk cheerfully over the world, answering that of God in everyone;
whereby in them you may be a blessing, and make the witness of God in them to
bless you."

The third week in February - in addition to our
children being off from school - was the winter Congressional recess. This is a
time when members of Congress return to their home constituencies and hold town
meetings. It is a favorite form of citizenship participation in government for
many of us - we can speak our mind to our representatives directly and in
person.

Why not consider having a "family meeting" - your
version of a "town meeting" - in your home? You can help you and your children
find your voice - a civil and appropriate voice that discusses issues in a calm
and respectful way - and develop important skills like listening,
self-expression, compromise, and problem-solving.

Family meetings can be used for many purposes:

·to solve family problems of living together (like who gets to
use the bathroom first in the morning or who leaves the empty milk carton in
the refrigerator and doesn't put milk on the shopping list);

·to propose new family rules (like "no electronics at the
dinner table" or "no skateboards in the house");

·to reinforce family values (like "everyone can speak their
mind if the tone is respectful and civil" or "this family gives to charity and
believes in community service");

·to check in with one another (you all might share your
schedule for the next period of time and adjust chores and activities if one
family member is especially stressed);

·to plan family activities (like the next vacation or a visit
to a museum);

·to enjoy one another's company!

Here
are some useful ideas for setting up regular family meetings in your home:

·Pick a regular time and stick to it (like the second Sunday
of the month for dinner).

·Rotate who's in charge of the meeting (and perhaps have that
person plan for a special dessert to share) - anyone five years old or up can
chair a meeting with some guidance and practice.

·Have a "family meeting agenda items" white board in the
kitchen so any family member can bring up something for discussion - that way,
if something comes up amongst the kids, you can say "put it on the agenda" and
you can discuss this next time.

·Begin each family meeting with a round of sharing: a simple
routine might be going around the table and sharing one thing that went well
today, one thing that didn't go well today, and one thing each person is
looking forward to tomorrow.

·Have simple rules for sharing: use a "talking stick" to
prevent interruptions, be vigilant about no put downs, give each person the
right to pass, and consider all ideas until you get to the feasible and
constructive ones.

·End each family meeting with a round of appreciations: each
person goes around the table and expresses one thing they appreciate in each
family member who participated in the meeting.

One important point: for me, families are not
"democracies" but hopefully more like "benevolent dictatorships" with Mom and
Dad having final say. Nonetheless, you will soon see the benefits of treating
your children as valued members of the family community and all of you will
become better creative problem-solvers.

Like any skill, having a successful family meeting
will take some time. Stick with it and all will be well - you will be helping
your children to develop important life skills.

This election season seems especially filled
with anxiety - how can we remain calm and civil when the issues are so
polarizing and the attacks so personal? Here are some tips for you - which you
can share with your children - to help us all find some serenity and sanctuary
amidst the daily cycles of election news
drama.

1)Realize that some anxiousness is necessary: evolutionary
biology tells us that our body needs to be put on alert to deal with a
situation that might be dangerous. (There are no more saber-toothed tigers, but
sometimes we react as if one is about to attack us!) I want my child to be
anxious about crossing City Island Avenue when there is a lot of traffic - that
heightened state of awareness is a good tool for keeping safe and vigilant.
Then, when we reach the other side, we can take a breath and resume our usual
level of awareness.

2)Anxiousness becomes a problem when everyday
situations begin to be perceived as dangerous, thus creating a "fight or flight
or freeze" response that doesn't need to be engaged. Take time for yourself to
sort out whether a situation - real or imagined or anticipated - warrants a
sense of danger and hypervigilance or just "keeping an eye" on things. Practice
thinking through a potential difficulty until the end when your child feels
anxious - "if I don't know whom to sit with at lunch, I will feel some stress,
but I can sit by myself and bring a book to read and see if anyone joins me...next
time I can plan ahead and invite a friend to sit with me at lunch..." Rarely do
our worst fears become realities - as Mark Twain said, "I've had a lot of
worries in my life, most of which have never happened."

3)Maintain the important family activities that
settle us down and relieve our stress and anxiousness: eat dinner as a family;
have family game nights; worship and play together; visit with relatives and
friends. The simple relationship-based comforts that families and friends can
provide are a powerful antidote to stress and anxiety.

4)Get physical exercise - for yourself and with
your children. Our bodies are primed to release "feel good" endorphins when we
exercise - take advantage of this simple way to relieve stress. We all have
access to nature - there is true healing available in watching a sunset, taking
a walk to the beach, and riding a bike through the woods.

5)Maintain an attitude of gratitude for what
you do have - be it health, family, a home, or a friend. Always focusing on
what you are missing will leave you miserable - and it will be your own fault!

SO - turn off the news, be with those you
love, practice the gift of democracy as an informed citizen and voter, and keep
that anxiety in check.