Now Tiger Woods Owes Us, The Ghost Of His Father An Apology

Yuck, Nike.

Holding a press conference to publicly apologize for your sex life is gross for several reasons—it's wildly insincere; it implies that the public is part of your sex life; it encourages Dr. Drew to "analyze" the apology on CNN; etc.—but in the case of Tiger Woods it's also completely unnecessary. I don't want an apology from Tiger Woods for his sex life. I don't want to be involved in any way in Tiger Woods' sex life.

But after seeing this new Nike commercial, in which the voice of Tiger Woods' dead father admonishes the uber-repentant duh-face of his son, I do want an apology from Tiger Woods, Nike, the cameraman, the sound guy, the "creatives," and everyone else involved in making this repulsive attempt to sell swooshes.

Nike Ad Exec #1: We've got to find a way to use this whole Tiger cheating on his wife with dozens of women thing to our advantage. He's already apologized, but I think it's important that people think he's really, really sorry. You know, for the Nike brand.

Nike Ad Exec #2: Right. Nobody wants to buy golf polos from a guy who doesn't seem sorry for cheating on his wife.

Nike Ad Exec #1: You can say that again!

Nike Ad Exec #2: Well, he's already done the public apology...what about some form of public castigation? Like maybe Tiger in a dunk tank, and we can have average looking people throw pitches at him while shouting, "How could you?!?"

Nike Ad Exec #1: Too lighthearted. What if we just had Tiger standing there real serious-looking, in black and white, while the people yell at him? I think if we give the public the idea that Tiger is somehow being punished, we'll move a lot of swooshes.

Nike Ad Exec #2: I got it! What if we have the voice of his dead father admonish him for being an asshole?

Nike Ad Exec #1: I love it! The dead dad thing is genius. Not only will people see that Tiger is so sorry he let down his dead dad, but they'll remember that Tiger's dad is dead and maybe start to feel bad for Tiger! Then they'll buy thousands of Nike mesh shorts with dri-weave technology.