Month: June 2006

I have to admit that I was wrong and I should never judge a book by its night vision sex tape.

I’ve made lots of fun of Paris Hilton, along with everyone else not named Paris Hilton, but I’m proud of her for trying to find her niche in the world. Sure no one really gave a rat’s ass about her until her infamous sex tape, but instead of letting that totally un-masturbationable video label her as the “Hotel Heiress Ho,” she’s gone out and tried to make something of herself.

The more that I think about it, the more I realize that Paris Hilton is just like me….Well, my college career at least.

I spent six years in college and during that time I switched my major about four times. First, it was Accounting, then Journalism, then Athletic Training, then American Studies, and then I finally ended up majoring in English. This is very similar to Paris Hilton’s life. First, she was a spoiled rich brat, then a “fashion model,” then an “actress,” then an “author,” and now she’s a “singer.”

Oh, but the similarities between Paris Hilton and my college career don’t end there. Paris failed horribly in the movie House of Wax and I failed horribly in Accounting 201, Math 100, Anatomy 301, Anatomy Lab 301, and Russian 101. Sure she won the 2005 Worst Supporting Actress Razzie for her role in the movie, but I won probation for my 1.5 GPA during my sophomore year.

Paris and I have also both been in relationships with people we totally regret being with. For her, it’s Rick Salomon, who stars in the sex tape with her. For me, it’s a girl I’m going to nickname “The Bass Mouth Kisser” because kissing her was much like French kissing a bass fish, except messier.

Since Paris and I seem to be kindred spirits, I had to pick up the first single from her debut album off of the iTunes Music Store. I also did it because I want to support her and her dream to be something other than that motionless short-haired blond chick in that sex tape.

Don’t believe I bought it? Check my iPod’s screen on the left.

So can Paris sing?

Well with today’s technology, Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and even tone deaf people like myself can sound good. This same technology made Paris sort of sound like Gwen Stefani in this song. As for the lyrics, I’m pretty sure she didn’t write them herself, because if you’ve read any of her books or the essay portion of her GED exam, you’ll know that writing isn’t her strong point.

Although, I have to admit that its beat kind of makes me want to shake my big booty. Actually, its reggae beat kind of makes me want to skank.

The reggae beat and lyrics make for an okay Paris Hilton song, but I think the same reggae beat and lyrics would make an awesome UB40 song.

(Editor’s Note: Congratulations to Helldog, Carrie, and CarbonNYC for being selected as the winners of The Impulsive Buy’s 300th Review Prize Drawing. They will each receive a $25 gift certificate to Threadless.com. Thank you to everyone who participated.)

Item: Paris Hilton – Stars Are BlindPrice: 99 centsPurchased at: iTunes Music StoreRating: 4 out of 10Pros: It has the structure of a song: verse one, chorus, verse two, chorus, verse three, chorus. Kind of makes me want to skank. Lyrics and reggae beat would make for an awesome UB40 song. Paris’ attempts to make her niche in the world.Cons: Money can buy you a record deal, or more specifically, a record label so that you can give yourself a record deal. Technology can make Paris sound like Gwen Stefani. Excessive use of a breathy voice, Paris Hilton’s un-masturbationable sex tape. My college career. “The Bass Mouth Kisser.”

Mmm, your waffle cone filled with vanilla ice cream, cookie dough swirls, and fudge chips not only fills the void in my soul with friendship, kindness, and sunshine, like my Care Bears would, but also fills it with 12 grams of saturated fat.

My heart may not like your extremely high amounts of saturated fat, but I adore you for it. That’s what’s great about our relationship, it’s unconditional.

I maybe homely, clumsy, dorky, geeky, and suck my thumb when I sleep, and you maybe smaller than a Drumstick, but it doesn’t matter. We like each other for who and what we are.

Without you, Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough The Cone, I would probably sit on the couch, eat a can of Pringles, watch Nickelodeon or Home and Garden Television, let my beard grow out, scratch myself, accumulate stray cats, and form a body mold on my couch.

But you can make a hot summer day feel cooler and despite you being filled with cold vanilla ice cream, you can warm my heart.

Although, that could also be the saturated fat.

If only I could live in the freezer with you and we can spend our time throwing frozen broccoli at each other or making ice cream castles with the half gallon of vanilla ice cream I used to eat as comfort food.

Unfortunately, due to size constraints, the limited amount of oxygen in the freezer, and my lack of warm clothing because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, I can’t.

Instead, to remind myself of our friendship, I keep your box outside with me because the picture on the box looks almost exactly like you do in real life, which is a rare thing with food products.

Do you know what the best part about you is?

Your waffle cone is surprisingly really crunchy and tasty, unlike other frozen cone treats I’ve had. Despite the harsh conditions and moisture your waffle cone has had to face, it stays strong, much like our friendship. Also, you don’t drip all over me like some of the other coned ice cream treats that I’ve been burned by, thanks to the chocolate coating inside of your waffle cone.

Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough The Cone, you’re so delicious that you’re like heaven in a cone and I think I would do something crazy without you, like read Dianetics or watch Larry the Cable Guy.

Item: Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough The ConePrice: $4.99Purchased at: SafewayRating: 5 out of 5Pros: Damn good. It looks almost exactly like it does on the box. Awesome comfort food. Surprisingly really crunchy waffle cone. No cone dripping. Three cones per box. A dear friend. Care Bears filling my soul with friendship, kindness, and sunshine.Cons: A little expensive, but what do you expect, it’s Ben & Jerry’s. Smaller than a Drumstick. One cone has 12g of saturated fat. Being lonely.

I don’t want to you to think that I don’t care about you, because I really do care about you. You’re very special to me and I cherish what little time we spend together. But you have to understand that I’ve been helping out many people, like Asians, vegetarians, hungry travelers, naked people, and skinny alcoholics. Because of this, I haven’t had the time or the energy to do the things we usually do with each other.

For example, I know I haven’t been massaging your back, shoulders, feet, arms, legs, head, and eyebrows like I usually do. I know you miss it, because it’s quality time spent together and I know that every time I massaged you, I would take you away, which was the reason why you gave me the nickname “The Human Calgon Bath.”

I also know that we haven’t been cuddling or talking much and you probably feel distant from me, but I don’t really know what to talk about when I’m with you.

I don’t think you’d be interested in hearing about how excited I am about the new Barenaked Ladies album or my wondering about how they’re going to have an X-Men 4 or what I find in my belly button every day.

I don’t even whisper sweet nothings into your ear anymore, like “My love is like a red rose,” “Your skin is soft like a flower petal,” “I love the way your armpit smells,” or “Pour some sugar on me, ooh, in the name of love.”

So to make up for the neglect, I’m going to review the Bath & Body Works Frozen Daiquiri 3-In-1 Body Wash, just for you.

I know that reviewing it probably won’t make up for the fact that I don’t say anything when you ask me if those jeans make your ass look fat or the blank stare I give you when you want me to vote for the least talented contestant on American Idol, but it’s the thought that counts and the Bath & Body Works Frozen Daiquiri 3-In-1 Body Wash just might be the remedy to bring us closer together again.

The Bath & Body Works Frozen Daiquiri 3-In-1 Body Wash is not only a body wash, it’s also a shampoo and a bubble bath. Its strawberry scent smelled good. It was like I was playing with my a Strawberry Shortcake doll, brushing its red hair with a small plastic brush, while having a tea party with Apple Dumplin’ and Huckleberry Pie. It’s also got conditioning Pro-Vitamin B5.

Its multiple uses makes me wish I had something like this during my Cool Water for Men scent wearing days, when I not only had the cologne, but I also had the deodorant, shower gel, and aftershave. I literally reeked of Cool Water.

As a shampoo, it takes quite a bit of it to make a good lather, but it would probably take a whole lot more if I washed your hair, like I usually did when I massaged your scalp. A lack of lather can also be said about its use as a body wash, which I would probably use if we showered together again, except for those 5 to 7 days out of the month when your “friend” comes over to visit. As a bubble bath, it does a decent job of creating a layer of bubbles for a soothing warm bubble bath, just like the ones we used to take together, surrounded by the glow of candles and soft classical music that ended with severely pruney fingers. Although the bubbles didn’t last as long as I would’ve liked them to.

See, ladies. Maybe this Bath & Body Works Frozen Daiquiri 3-In-1 Body Wash can bring us closer together and take us back to a time when I revolved around you.

Item: Bath & Body Works Frozen Daiquiri 3-In-1 Body WashPrice: $12.00Purchased at: Bath & Body WorksRating: 3 out of 5Pros: Smells good. Strawberry goodness. 3-in-1 body wash, shampoo, and bubble bath. Whispering sweet nothings in your ear. A tea party with Strawberry Shortcake. Not tested on animals.Cons: Expensive. Neglecting the ladies. Takes a lot to make a good lather. Bubble bath bubbles didn’t last as long as I would like. Not frozen. When your “friend” comes over to visit. Reeking of Cool Water. Pruney fingers.

Over the past few months, I’ve heard about the BK Veggie, but I’ve never seen one.

Every time I stepped into a Burger King, I would scan the bright yellow menu board looking for that elusive meatless sandwich, but just like the humor of Everyone Loves Raymond, I couldn’t see it.

I had a theory to the reason why I couldn’t find the BK Veggie. Perhaps being considered the black sheep of the menu kept it off, since it didn’t seem to provide the flame-broiled or deep-fried goodness that people expect when dining with The King.

Eventually, I considered the BK Veggie a myth, like Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, the Grafenberg spot, the Guns N’ Roses album Chinese Democracy, and Dr. Phil’s doctorate.

However, a few weeks ago my boss told me about her encounter with the BK Veggie.

“THE BK Veggie!!!” I said excitingly, like I was a spoiled, little 10-year-old boy getting a $300 iPod from his parents because it was the only way for them to shut him up about how everyone at school has an iPod except him, how he’s so uncool, and how he’ll probably die a virgin.

I had to clean my ears with Kenny G to make sure I heard her right. After she repeated herself, I couldn’t believe her, because during those months of searching for the BK Veggie, I taught myself to believe that it didn’t exist, like Santa Claus, true love, a beer that’s less filling and tastes great, and the duckbilled platypus.

Since she knew I had to see it to believe it, we went on a safari in her SUV to catch a glimpse of the elusive BK Veggie. We didn’t drive far before seeing possible signs of the meatless burger, like it being listed on the drive-thru menu for $2.99.

Fortunately, we were able to capture two of the BK Veggies. I thought we were going to just tag them and let them go back into the wild, but my boss said they were tasty. At the time, I was horrified by her comment, because I thought the BK Veggies were an endangered species. However, my boss ensured me that they weren’t, so I dug in.

I unwrapped the paper blanket that it was in and saw that it looked very much like its meat counterparts. It consisted of the typical sesame seed bun, green/white chopped lettuce, a tomato slice, mayonnaise, ketchup, and a Morningstar veggie patty.

After taking a bite of it, I began to understand why the BK Veggie wasn’t an endangered species. It wasn’t very good. Its taste was like the needles around a porcupine, keeping predators away. The combination of the Morningstar veggie patty, ketchup, and mayonnaise seemed to be much like the stinky spray that comes out of a skunk, preventing those higher on the food chain from attacking the BK Veggie.

I think another reason why the BK Veggie isn’t an endangered species is because it’s slimmer than other burgers, perhaps making it more agile, quick, and less filling. With 420 calories, 16 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 7 grams of dietary fiber, and 23 grams of protein, it’s somewhat healthier than the more common and easier to catch Whopper.

Item: BK VeggiePrice: $2.99Purchased at: Burger KingRating: 4 out of 10Pros: Veggie patty for veggie lovers. High in dietary fiber and protein. Low saturated fat. It’s not an endangered species. Komodo Dragons.Cons: A little pricey for the size of it. Just like Britney and K-Fed, ketchup and mayonnaise don’t make a good couple with this sandwich. More sodium than a Whopper. My excessive use of lists in this review. Watching, listening, or being around Dr. Phil. Dying a virgin.

I can’t believe The Impulsive Buy has reached this milestone. But what’s more impressive is the fact that I didn’t need illegal performance enhancing drugs to reach it. All it took was hard work and dedication.

Some of you might say, “Well isn’t caffeine a performance enhancing drug? We all know you’ve done a lot of caffeine.”

My response to that would be, “No, caffeine is a legal, unregulated substance, and according to the Food and Drug Administration it’s safe for consumption. Now leave me alone, before I get all Barry Bonds on your ass and starting whining and complaining about the media.”

To celebrate the 300th review, The Impulsive Buy will be holding a prize drawing.

Three lucky readers will each receive a $25 gift certificate to Threadless, which The Impulsive Buy reviewed several weeks ago. So if you’re naked because you lost your clothes at the club while the DJ was spinning Nelly’s Hot in Herre, this would be your opportunity to no longer be naked.

To enter the 300th review prize drawing, just leave a comment for THIS post with the words “I’m drug free, check my pee” in it and whatever else you would like to say. Don’t worry, you don’t have to mean it.

Please don’t forget to fill out the email field, because Iâ€™ll be emailing the gift certificates to the winners.

The Impulsive Buy will start accepting entries for the drawing on Wednesday, June 14, 2006 and stop accepting entries on Wednesday, June 21, 2006. Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is open to EVERYONE!!!

Good luck!

Fine Print: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you newsletters from Taiwan in Chinese. Bribes will not be accepted. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for expired gift certificates, lost gift certificate codes, or the extra facial hair or enlarged forehead caused by the use of illegal performance enhancing drugs.

(Editor’s Note: If you’re interested — or bored — please check out the new review blog I started up called Cereal Mashup.)