Ten Green Policies That Never Made The Manifesto

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Long-Distance Trekking

Since prehistoric times family groups have trekked enormous distances across Great Britain and some of these ancient ‘Ways’ such as Ermine Street and the Pennine Way have passed into the collective consciousness. In the easier-paced bucolic life-style envisaged under the Greens there would be no need to rush to family gatherings at speed but groups would be encouraged to spend days trekking up and down the country using the modern equivalent of the ancient Ways – the hard shoulders of our extensive motorway system.

A family group could easily make the 215 mile trek from London to York, for example, in just five days, using the A1 and A1M and camping in neighbouring fields overnight.

Needless to say, zebra crossings would be provided at regular intervals to cover the cases where the destination town lay on the opposite side of the motorway.

Full Pet Licensing

Under Green proposals, all pets would need to be licensed, not just dogs as had been discussed previously.

Different classes of licence would be introduced to cover all possible pets, Canine, Feline, Equine, Piscine etc. These would be checked by Pet Inspectors on an annual basis and would help to stamp out cruel sports such as Goldfish Racing.

Proposals to extend Licensing to cover soft toys and pet rocks etc were considered but thought to be too difficult to enforce.

Pushchair Ban

Pushchairs are inherently unenvironmental. The metal and plastics used in their construction contribute to pollution, many are made in third-world countries by workers on meagre wages and there is no consistent end-of-life policy for these pirates of the pavement.

The Green alternative would be to replace pushchairs with pet saddles and it’s not hard to envisage a family having a range of pets from Jack Russell up to Great Dane, moving through the dwarf pony breeds and finishing with full-size ponies and horses as their children grow up.

Polygamous Marriages

Natalie Bennett has been reported in the press as saying that although the Green Party “at present” has no specific policy on legal partnerships involving more than two people, members could develop one and vote for it to be introduced.

“We have led the way on many issues related to the liberalisation of legal status in adult consenting relationships, and we are open to further conversation and consultation on this issue,” she added.

Mud Baths

People in this country have, with the advent of hot water, washing machines, indoor baths and worst of all, showers in most houses, actually become too clean. Mud encourages healthy micro-organisms in the dermis layers which actually benefit the general health of the host.

Weekly compulsory community mud-baths would be introduced and it’s envisaged that for the vast majority of villages, the village green would provide an ideal venue. For towns and cities, a corner of the local football team’s ground would suffice.

Morris Dancing

Competitive sports are divisive and promote tribalism. Many people are offended by the spectacle of professional football players kicking balls and cricketers wielding cricket bats as this level of physical ability implies that others are, in some way, less worthy as individuals.

Just as football was banned in medieval times as it interfered with long-bow practice so it should be banned now, along with other competitive sports and replaced by a healthy activity all can participate in regardless of their ability and level of fitness – Morris Dancing.

The Village Treadmill

A huge amount of time and also potential energy is wasted each evening as families collapse into their sofas and watch Emmerdale, Coronation Street and other such worthless soap operas.

This would be recovered by installing treadmills in the centre of each village and making it compulsory for each family unit to spend at least one hour per day on it. It’s been reliably calculated that the energy generated by this activity would meet half the energy budget of an average sized village and, as a bonus, would naturally contribute to the fitness levels of all villagers.

Of course, children under sixteen and adults over seventy would be excluded and would spend ‘Treadmill Hour’ unpicking old rope to make oakum for the village fishing corracles.

The Cowburnator

There are nearly 2 million cows in the UK and a large number of beef cattle too although it is envisaged that the latter number will decline as the population convert to vegetarianism and then veganism under Green doctrine.

One cow can produce up to 250 litres of methane per day. Excluding beef cattle, Britain’s cows are producing 182.5 billion litres of methane per year which under the Conservatives, goes to waste and contributes to global warming.

Compulsory fitting of the Cowburnator to all dairy and beef stock herds will allow this methane to be collected and fed into the village methane plant where it’s estimated that for average herds / villages, this will provide the other half of the village energy requirements making each village self-sufficient in energy terms.

Care will need to be taken to ensure that Conservative radical groups like the Campaign to Protect Rural England cannot get their hands on ‘fully-charged’ cows to use as suicide bombers and it’s proposed that each cow is fitted with a radio-controlled self-destruct device enabling them to be harmlessly detonated at a safe distance.

Compulsory Chickens

Under Green proposals chicken ownership would immediately become compulsory with families required to run a flock of at least five hens, couples, at least three and single people ‘owning’ co-operative hens on allotment land. Cockerel ownership would be limited to village elders who would thus control the size of the village hen population, servicing each flock as required. All hens and cockerels would be subject to licensing of course as per point two above and cockerels would be trained to omit the first part of their call and only ‘Doodle-doo’, as their traditional call, under the Conservatives, is clearly sexist and offends most women.

Ending Fashion Stress

Major fashion designers and the awful fashion shows have resulted in many people having feelings of inadequacy simply because they find themselves unable to afford the latest fashion.

Under Green proposals everyone will wear traditional smocks, warm in the winter, cool in the summer and hand-made from local materials.

Everyone will be issued with seven smocks, colour-coded to reflect their profession and clearly stamped with a letter indicating the day of the week on which they are to be worn. Our experts are working on ways to differentiate between T = Tuesday or Thursday and S = Saturday or Sunday smocks and an update is expected soon.

Village elders only, will be allowed to add a traditional floppy hat to their smock, in a colour of their choice, as an indication of their status whilst the village headman may also include either a stem of grass for chewing ruminatively or a smelly old pipe burning home grown tobacco substitutes.