Life Skills 301

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Holy crap, another year has gone by. The planet slowly but surely completed one more revolution around the sun. We lived 365 more days on Earth. And in that astonishingly long yet unbelievably short time, somehow we wised up. We know things now that we didn’t know this time last year. We are smarter. More experienced. We made it! And that means: It’s time for another round of Life Skills. Advanced level. Here we go!

1. Entering and Exiting a Conversation (Politely)

Entering: You know how when people are talking at a social event they stand in a tight circle, and it looks intimidating? You know how it can sometimes feel weird to be alone at a party and want to be in the talking group but you don’t know anybody or have any idea how to join a conversation?

It’s OK, lemon drop! Everyone (EVERYONE) feels a little awkward in a situation like this, but we can handle it!

So you don’t know anyone. So what? You are an interesting and cool person, and other people, if they are not total jerks, will listen to what you have to say, or at least be willing to let you join their group. If you are alone at a social event and don’t know how to enter a conversation with people who are already talking, just get a little closer to their group and eavesdrop in a non-hover-y way. Find an excuse to stand near them—fiddle with a book on the bookshelf or get a beverage nearby. What are they talking about? If you hear someone mention something you like or know about, that’s your in. Maybe someone is showing someone a picture of their dog on their phone. You say, “Whoa, is that your dog? It’s so cute!” And, BOOM, you’re talking to someone in the group! Maybe you hear someone say, “Wait, you haven’t heard of the Breeders?” and the Breeders are your favorite band—jump in! Say something as simple as, “Aaaah, I love the Breeders!” and people, if they are not snotty, will move over and make some room for you.

The key, though—and this is real—to entering groups of already-talking people is to not apologize for yourself. No “Sorry, I couldn’t help overhearing you guys talking about the Breeders” or “Sorry, I don’t mean to interrupt, but…” Nuh-uh. It is natural for you to talk about shared interests with other human beings, so just act like it’s the most normal thing in the world for you to casually join a group of people already conversing, even if it is a big deal for you.

Exiting: Maybe a conversation has gone on…a little too long. Perhaps it’s just run its course, and there’s nothing left to talk about. Or maybe someone has cornered you and is boring you to tears about a subject you care nothing about; or they’re persistently hitting on you, and you’re completely uninterested. There are a million reasons why you might want to end a conversation, but it can often feel impossible to extricate yourself. You don’t want to be impolite or hurt anyone’s feelings, there’s no escape route that doesn’t seem super awkward, etc., so you’re stuck talking to this person, desperately scanning the room for anyone who might come and rescue you, blinking SOS signals at everyone who walks by.

You know what, though? You’re not stuck. You can leave this soul-sucking convo any time you want! Here are some of my favorite strategies:

There’s always “Excuse me, I have to go to the restroom.” So tried and true that it’s a cliché at this point. NO ONE can argue with your need to pee. This is my go-to for getting rid of people who are conversationally irritating me. And it’s not even a lie! I really do have to pee—practically all the time!You do not have to come back to the person, especially if you’re at a party or in another social setting. Clearly you meant to come back, but you were distracted by someone else. You’re a social butterfly, flitting airily about!

If that feels too abrupt, do what my friend Jen does and offer the person something. Say, “Hey, do you want some chips?” or “I’m getting a drink, you want one?” If the person says yes, go get it, cheerfully bring it back, and then wave goodbye and vanish into the crowd. You have now done them a favor. You are obvs not rude, and now you are freeeee.

If you’re dying to get out of a conversation with a person you know, you can try reminding the person of a future event. This maneuver involves trying to wrap up the conversation quickly by saying something like “Hey—Kara’s show next week! Are you going?” If the person says yes, say, “Awesome, I’ll see you then!” and smile while backing away.

However, this is a risky social move, as it may serve only to delay, but not prevent, further misery. This person may approach you again at Kara’s show—after all, you both just agreed to see each other there! But you do have all these new ways to politely avoid talking to them, so maybe it’s not such a big risk after all.

Anyway, remember: If someone has backed you into a corner, cutting you off from all other people, and is going on and on about something that does not interest you, they are being rude. It is not rude of you to make a prompt, polite, and effective exit.

I had decided that 2014 was the year that I’m going to go out and fearlessly ask cute guys and girls out and now I’ve found the key to doing it and I’m totally gonna use it now. Thank you so much for this Krista!

My humble opinion:
If it looks like you’d actually both have free time to talk more, maybe you could do that. If you’re feeling too nervous for a full-blown conversation or have somewhere to be (or feel like they’re too busy to talk, etc) – whip out a piece of paper/napkin + writing utensil and give them your name/number. While you do that, say “I’ve got to run, but I enjoyed meeting you and I’d love to talk again sometime.” If you’d like to stay, you could ask, “You seem like a really cool person; I’d love to get to know you better. [or “I’d love to talk to you more about X” or “I’d love to hear your opinions on Y”]. Do you have a few minutes to sit and talk?” If they seem at all hesitant, make your exit. :)

Since I am as awkward as they come I got used to neglecting social norms regarding social interaction. If you leave me alone with someone I don’t know I will just say the weirdest thing that comes into my mind. Nothing offensive of course. Instead of the usual “How are you doing?” I just jump into “Hi. You know, when I was little I slept with a doll because I thought that if I didn’t, she would kill me in my sleep. How about your favourite toys?”. Although a little strange I found that it makes people feel at ease…

Oh my gosh! The asking out a stranger will come in handy! I am sadly the person who sees a cute stranger, and hopes I catch them staring at me! (never happens) Another fantastic Rookie article that made my life better! <3

I NEEDED THIS!!! Especially the one about gmail. Ugggggh, I could’ve so used that tip yesterday (I sent my friend two of my design projects that I’m really embarrassed about now) but totally useful for future reference!! And I really want to use the last tip some day :))

What if the person is a creep and sends you gross/scary things via email? Or what if your email has your full name in it and they try to stalk you? I know that’s the chance you take with a lot of people, but when you haven’t even spoken a word to this person you have no idea how they could react. And maybe I’m in the minority, but I would be pretty weirded out if someone just handed me a note with their contact info letting me know they’ve been staring at me the whole time.

then you can just write your phone number and first name. if you have multiple emails, you can use the one without your full name in it. it would be safer i guess. or if you pass by a lot of cute people then you can create an entire email account about it haha. but i don’t think it’s necesarry. if you use an email that doesn’t include your full name, you can always block that person. most of the email provider-server-things (i don’t know what they’re called asdjhf.) have this ability. and in my country it’s available to block phone numbers, too. so i think it would be okay as long as you just give your first name.

and yeah, you may be weirded out (me too) but there’s a possibility that you may like that person. maybe they’re so cute and blushed when they were giving you that piece of paper, and you may like that etc. that’s why they’re giving you their info, if you are weirded out, you won’t call them. if you like them, you’ll call them. you won’t probably see this person ever again anyways.

YESSSS. Krista, I was SO hoping you’d write another life skills article. So much good advice, especially the first and last bits–I am usually terrible at going up and talking to people I don’t know, but these should help. :)

I love love love love LOVE this series. They are really working and these ones were specifically my problems. Especially the ones about small talking and being broke :( Seriously, this series are amazing. Can’t you guys make it more general? I love Krista of course, but if everyone shares their life skills we would be learning more of them :D like every month or something.

I actually have problems with the first situation(getting out of talking with people I dislike). If someone’s being rude to me, I don’t know what to do. Do I tell them off with the risk of making a scene, or do I just politely walk away without defending myself? If I walk away, then I have a fear that they’ll talk about me behind my back and say rude things about me. I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but I feel unconfident with either of the approaches I just mentioned. It’s something I have to work on :/

Once again, Krista, you have SAVED. MY. LIFE. I love reading and rereading Life Skills. Thank you for all these great tips! I was particularly impressed by, ahem, the Ask a Stranger Out segment. I’m absolutely and completely afraid of all boys, but this will really help! Thanks again! You’ve made my day.

Wow. Advice likes this makes me feel like I’ve spent my entire life making things so much more difficult than they could be! The last one is beautiful oh my. I see cute strangers all the time omg. Such fab life tips. Thanks so so much

i started homeschool in the sixth grade and ever since then i’ve become incredibly inadequate in the social interaction department.i’m gonna use the last one to maybe make friends.i cant ask people out,i’ve never done it,but i’m imagining bad bad things.

In all those girly whirly oh-my-gosh-people-can-be-so-self-obssessed magazines, the tutorials they write are no help. Zilch, nada (i.e. Q: How to prevent yourself from blushing in front of your crush A: Hold your breath, but still try and look cute. ‘Cause that’s really going to work.)

But THIS man, this was amazing. I’m so glad because these tips are ACTUALLY so new and helpful and wow.

Thanks wow! Great article. I think the Small Talk topic is very interesting, just because i’m so bad at it. I wish I could just follow a class for small talking, and this already helped me further!

I always like it when you’re in an awkward scene where you are SUPPOSED to small talk, but the other person is a socially awkward wallflower too, and you are both sunken in deep thoughts, and no one even cares about the missing small talk anymore!

I’ve just realised that I always ask “so, what did YOU do today?” in awkwardy small talk situations! I feel very accomplished now I know that it’s a Life Skill and I’m doin it riiight. I’m gonna challenge myself now to ask a stranger out ! :)

Kinda far out, but I think it would be cool if you took all of these Life Skills 101 articles and turned them into a mini book? Like one small enough to carry around in a purse, say the side of a crossword puzzle book! I know I would definitely buy a copy for myself, and ones for friends, too. :)

Unless you’re purely looking for sex, you should let the person you think might be asexual know that you they’re cute, too! Lots of ace folk are romantic want a romantic relationship!!! This is because sex and romance aren’t the same thing, and so a disinterest in participating in sex is not automatically a disinterest in romance!

Otherwise, this article is ACTUALLY THE BEST THE WRINKLE THING OH MY ??!?!

This is so great. I get so tired of teen magazines’ “asking him out” advice because it always hovers around weird scripted ABCfamily-show-like scenarios that don’t happen in real life. For some reason telling him he’s a “cutie” before “sexily tossing his hair”, eyeing his friend and kissing him on the cheek with *insert brand* lip stain never was my cup of tea. The cute vanishing is easy, though.