Tuesday, July 10, 2007

I just spent two solid hours trying to sign up to get my blood-pressure medicine through the mail. You have to register a million places, decline to accept their repeated offers of free newsletters and e-zines, and remember which company (because the medical insurance people don't do prescriptions, and the prescription plan doesn't mail prescriptions, and the actual drugstore is somebody else) I repeat, remember which company takes which member number and group ID number and user name and password, because they're all different.

One bunch of morons refused to accept my chosen password, insisting that it had to be a combination of letters and numbers. My password WAS a combination of letters and numbers, but all the letters came first and numbers second. These idiots wanted the numbers and letters to be mixed together, so that the password was something that you'd never in your life be able to remember and would have to write down somewhere, thereby defeating the security purpose of the whole damned system.

Then you have to wait.

I was ready to strangle someone by the time I was done--not good for the ol' blood pressure.

You know, I completely understand why older people get upset with these prescription plans. Their byzantine rules and impenetrable procedures, their incomprehensible policies and the total overwhelming sense of futility and aggravation that assails you when you try to do the simplest task would bring anyone to the inexorable conclusion that it's far, far easier to forget about the drugs and just die.

Monday, July 9, 2007

I've been reading Ask and It Is Given, which is about the Law of Attraction. Today's quote is about how you can't keep re-creating in your mind the way things are now, because you'll never change. You have to begin vibrating at a little different level to get things to change.

Well, I had a doctor's appointment today, and my blood pressure was down to a serene 110/76. I'd even lost four pounds from my last visit according to the doctor's evil scale, which always seems to weigh me 7 or 8 pounds more than any other scale in the Universe.

So here is me, a month later. I haven't actually changed in weight so much as had a flattering outfit on and DH did a good job on the photo (except for the thumb in the way, but hey, nobody's perfect).

Honestly, that top is mega-flattering, and it's really just a couple of scarves stitched together, with a line of stitches from hip to armpit to make the sleeves. I don't know why Lane Bryant didn't corner the market on those things. I get compliments all the time, and it's the illusion of the deep-V hem that makes all the difference.

And yet--I don't think I look that bad here. I can clearly see the curves under the padding. This picture helps me remember what I looked like in '92 when I was at my best fighting weight.

Friday, July 6, 2007

I had a revelation while commuting to work this morning: I'm not sure if I truly love and appreciate myself, and if I don't, that could be one reason why losing weight is such a struggle.

Do I love myself? (And what does that mean, exactly?) Do I love my body?

Well, I'll take that last question first since it is the only one that makes sense to me right now. I don't really like to look at my body these days, and I don't want anyone else to see it because it's not in very good shape. I look away from the mirror when I get out of the shower, and dress quickly to avoid the lumps and bumps and newly-sprouted varicose veins. I pretend not to see the double chin or the bags under my eyes.

But I appreciate my body because of all the things it does for me: Seeing, hearing, touching, smelling, and tasting: moving and bending and making and lifting and all the automatic processes that are working just the way they should. I admit that I haven't given my body much suppport or encouragement over the past 10 years. I don't exercise or feed it properly, or do all the important little things that need to be done for it to continue in peak form.

Really, after all I've put my body through, it deserves a medal: Long hours at the computer, unhealthy eating, too little sleep, no time to stretch, no fresh air to breathe. No time to just relax. If I had done it to someone else, it would be cruel and unusual. But because I've done it to myself, nobody says anything.

After all that, I'm lucky my body is doing well as it is. And I am extra-lucky that it is a forgiving and friendly body, and will repair itself with no hard feelings if I let it.

I'm going to have that time to relax and repair very soon, and I'll take advantage of it. I hope I won't get into this situation again, and I'll take better care of my body in the future.

Now that I know that everything in my life is what I have created for myself, I want to begin to create the things that are good for me and make me happy.

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

It's official. I have now been on the planet for 49 years. Of course, if it is true that all of our body's cells regenerate on a regular basis, and that after 7 years one actually has a completely new body, then maybe I'm only 7 years old. Or 7 bodies old.

So the plan is that this body will achieve and maintain a weight of 157 pounds. That's a good fighting weight for me--last time I was at that weight was in 1992, when I won two gold medals in the AAU National Tae Kwon Do tournament held in the Adirondack region.

Then I was a bridesmaid in my brother's wedding, and it wasn't until the rehearsal dinner that I realized that I could have easily been punched in the eye, or been given a split lip or something during the tournament, and I would have looked like hell for the wedding photos. But it honestly never crossed my mind.

I looked great, very fit and curvy. But it didn't last long, because I discovered that losing weight didn't lead to happiness--nobody I cared about fell in love with me. And truly, that was all I really wanted. I wanted to find a soul mate, a partner. Instead, I found a lot of guys who wanted one-night stands. So I figured that being attractive was not all that.

Then I met my husband, and even though I'd gained about 20 lbs. he still liked me. He seemed attracted to some essential part of me, and weight gain didn't make a difference to him. It was very liberating, but the new mind-set I'd acquired put me on the path to weight gain.

Then I decided to get pregnant, even though I was 39 years old. Pregnancy ruins your figure, I reasoned, so why bother struggling to lose weight? I'll be eating for two soon enough, so why not start now? Sheesh.

I love food, love to cook and create a meal and enjoy the fruits of my labors. I also love to eat snacks, and candy, and fast food and ethnic food and fresh food and ... you get the picture.

My son was born when I was 42, and then the weight really started to appear and stick around. I was up to 235, then gradually crept up to 242. I stabilized there until I started having thyroid problems at 46, and that's how I arrived at that dreaded 257.

For the past month, I've been reasonably good on my diet, but lately I've slipped. Stress, job changes, and turmoil have thrown me off track again.

So now I'm relying on The Secret: I want to attract my perfect weight. I am attracting perfect health and weight, and I can eat everything and still maintain my perfect weight.

Monday, July 2, 2007

That slow, steady hiss is the sound of my ego deflating. Usually I feel pumped up, buoyant, and smiley. Usually. But today I feel like I'm slowly collapsing, the big smile crumpling up into a puddle of anxieties and fears.

I'm going through a change in my career life and it's not easy to weather. I like to think I'm handling things in a mature and positive way, understanding that it's all for the best and it's not really anybody's fault. But it's not easy to feel strong and secure right now.

I know that in a short while I'll be over this and things will be better than ever. New doors will open for me, I'll be closer than ever to my bliss, and I'll be so thankful that this change came about. But that will be then, and this is now.

It's true that you have to let go of what you have, so you can open your hands to receive the abundance that is coming to you. It's true that everything is happening better than I could have expected. But here and now I'm going through a rough moment and there's no one who can hold my hand.

So from a high a few days ago, I am now in a low (exacerbated by PMS, just for an added bit of irony) and it's hard. Here it is, the official beginning of my 1-year weight loss project, and I'm a mess.

I hope I look back on this and feel kindness for the person I was, full of anxiety and discouragement. I hope I can say, "Wow, I was so worried, but it all worked out for the best, and here I am on a mountain top of joy and success."