Russia — you know, that country whose leader orchestrated a hack of Donald Trump’s political opponents and an aggressive propaganda/fake news campaign in an effort to install The Donald in the Oval Office — has finally spoken out about revelations that the President-elect was once busted paying Russian prostitutes to pee in front of him.

A Vladimir Putin spokesman said Wednesday that they have no “compromising materials” on Donald Trump at all — or Hillary Clinton, for that matter (which we already know, because it would have been released alongside everything else Wikileaks dumped if they did).

“No, the Kremlin has no compromising materials on Trump,” presidential spokesman Dmitry Peskov said in response to the reports, which claim that the Kremlin has been cultivating and working on compromising Trump for a number of years. “This is absolutely fake information, a fabrication and complete nonsense. The Kremlin does not engage in gathering compromising materials.”

“It is an obvious attempt to harm our bilateral relations. The quality of the public version of the previous report and this hoax is comparable. In English, it is called pulp fiction,” Peskov told Russian propaganda blog Sputnik. Sure, the manner of this denial completely ignores that collecting compromising information on individuals is kind of the Kremlin’s “thing” and has been since before kids were taught to hide underneath their desks to protect from a nuclear blast and sure, it would be stupid for Russia to reveal what they have on Trump while he is still useful, The Donald absolutely ate up this message of support from the same people who helped him win the election.

“Russia just said the unverified report paid for by political opponents is ‘A COMPLETE AND TOTAL FABRICATION, UTTER NONSENSE,’ Trump said in his traditional morning meltdown. “Very unfair!”

“Russia has never tried to use leverage over me,” said the guy who reportedly plans to lessen or eliminate sanctions against Russia in the early parts of his presidency and who has appointed people. “I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH RUSSIA – NO DEALS, NO LOANS, NO NOTHING!”

Russia has never tried to use leverage over me. I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH RUSSIA – NO DEALS, NO LOANS, NO NOTHING!

Deals or no deals, Trump spent the entire time running up to the election and after praising Vladimir Putin and Russia while attacking our President and our intelligence agencies — especially after more than a dozen of the latter confirmed that Russia orchestrated the election hack to assist Trump in winning. Almost every single person he appointed to important positions is confirmed to have ties — mostly business-related — to his BFF Putin’s country.

Though Trump barely won the election in terms of electoral votes with one of the worst margins in history and lost the popular vote, he reminded the Stupid Part of America that he won “easily” that that his “movement” (probably not the right term to use in light of the “golden showers” story) is “verified.”

I win an election easily, a great "movement" is verified, and crooked opponents try to belittle our victory with FAKE NEWS. A sorry state!

Then, the guy who actually plans to have a national Muslim registry, who has the almost full support of Nazis and white supremacists around the country, who wants to ban an entire religion from entering the United States, who spends time characterizing brown people to the south of us as rapists and murderers, who has offered to pay supporters’ legal fees if they beat up black people at his rallies, and whose “Make America Great Again” catchphrase was literally lifted from Adolf Hitler’s speeches, actually said this:

Intelligence agencies should never have allowed this fake news to "leak" into the public. One last shot at me.Are we living in Nazi Germany?

Trump didn’t explain how “fake news” can be “leaked” by intelligence agencies, but one thing is for certain — all these pee-ple are probably right that his administration will likely resemble a society under Adolf Hitler. Everything from the way he threatens the press to the way he encourages his fans to violently beat dissenters to his use of propaganda just screams “fourth reich.” In just over a week, our country is going to be a bigger mess than a certain bed in a certain hotel room in Moscow.

Author: John PragerJohn Prager is an unfortunate Liberal soul who lives uncomfortably in the middle of a Conservative hellscape.
Prager spends much of his time poking Trump's meth-addled, uneducated fans with a pointy stick and is currently writing a book of muskrat recipes (not really) as well as putting together a scrapbook of his favorite death threats. His life's aspiration is to rule the world with an iron fist, or find that sock he's been looking for.
Feel free to email him at [email protected] if you have any questions or comments -- or drop him a line on Twitter or Facebook.