Dealing with your childhood

We do stuff as adults and say "Oh my god, I am just like my mom or dad." This can be good or bad. Dealing with these feeling can be overwhelming. How do we deal with the bad feelings?

Some of us have parents whether it be just a mom, dad or both. I grew up with both for a while. My parents fought a lot. They would get so loud and hit each other that my sister and I would lie in bed together scared out of our minds. But being the oldest I always took the role on as a second mom. I remember things my mom would do and say way better than my sister does from our childhood.

One time when my parents were separated and dad was supposed to come pick us up. My sister was in the window waiting but my mom was on the phone with him fighting in the kitchen about money. I heard her say "If you don't have it don't show up." She let my sister sit in that window all night waiting. Then she came up to her and said "See he just don't love us." My sister slept in my bed all night crying. See my mom is controlling and manipulating. She tells so many lies she doesn't know which lies she has told. She has told me I ruined her life when I was born. I will never be pretty. I once found a picture frame that said something about daughters and how nice they are. She said "I would buy you one but I hate you."

I was not a fat teen but I never felt like I was anybody. Then in my junior year I found power-lifting. I was running 5 miles a day and lifted weights every day. It gave me freedom and a release of stress that I needed. But then when it came to my first meet my mom showed up and said "That man-girl is my child" and laughed at me. I was 5'2" 135 lbs. She said "I looked like a guy and how could I embarrass her like this." I didn't think I looked like a guy but I stuck with it because it was the only way I knew how to deal with my home life.

When I graduated I left and fast. I look back at my mom and where things started a lot. Then I look at my grandmother and could see where it came from. It was worse. I can remember my grandmother beating my aunts. They where just four years older than I was. Right then and there I vowed I would not do that to my kids and I haven't. I tried confronting my mom about 3 years ago. She seemed responsive at first. Then two days later she called me back telling me that I was lying about my childhood and why would I do that. She was a good mom. I was a horrible child and a bad mom and so on. I stopped talking to her for months thinking I did something wrong.

I started remembered my training from nursing school. She wanted me to think this way. She wanted me to feel bad about myself so she had control over me. She wanted me to come running back saying how sorry I was to hurt her. But this time I stood my ground. When she called me I told her she would not dismiss me anymore. She will not talk to me like I am nothing. I told her that if she wants to talk to me she will not lie or yell. If she does. She don't need to call me. I told her that if anything sounds fishy I will call her on it. To this day when she starts yelling I hang up. I don't give her a chance to tear me down. I monitor everything she does when it comes to my kids period. She gives me advice about my kids and I stop her at the first word she mutters.

I run the relationship now. The first part of stepping out of the box was reclaiming my childhood. She may deny everything but I was there along with my sister and father. But to regain my self-confidence I had to start at the beginning. We don't get to choose our parents. Sometimes I think they need to give out a license to have a child. But I know I am a better mom for what I have gone through. I now know she will never change since I confronted her. So I deal with her in a totally different way. If I had not stepped out of my box that I closed myself in. I would have not done this ever. Taking charge has made me a better mom. I have shown my kids how to take control of a very bad situation. How to accept others for who they are. How to protect yourself as well. But this journey has also let me explore my sexual being which I never knew I had. I think our sexual being starts in childhood. We watch our parent. If we don't get the right praise or see loving relationships. Then how are we going to have a healthy relationship when we grow up?