My mother offered to pay my oldest son's college tuition, saying it would help me if I only had to pay for the second child. She also felt he needed a car, so she bought him a used one, and when the engine blew, she bought a new one. My son made some bad choices, and five years later still hasn't graduated. Last year, my mother took out a loan for his expenses and tuition in his name with a CD she owns tied to it. She now says she expected him to go to school and work enough to handle his expenses. I recently insisted that my son move back home and find a job; he can finish his degree at night. My mother now bad-mouths my son to family and friends. She's sent me a list of his expenses that have her name on them (the car, insurance, and his loan about $22,000) and insists they be paid off immediately. I plan to do that, using an equity line my husband and I have taken out. My mother says my son is worthless. How do I handle family relations from here before they get worse?
--G.B., 50, Atlanta

First things first: Do not simply write a big check to make it all go away. Part of this is your son's responsibility, and by swooping in and fixing it, you deprive him of the chance to help make things right.

I hope you haven't already drawn the money out on that equity line. It should not be used to pay your mother back unless there's absolutely no other option. The economy is falling down around our ears and there's every chance you'll need that equity line in years to come.

Now, to work through this mess, have a family sit-down in which you say simply and directly what needs to happen to restore financial order. You've told your son to get a job, and that's a great first step. As for your mom, tell her she'll have to be patient until this is sorted out. Explain that you're going to meet with an accountant and see what can be done to disentangle her from the debt. Have your son attend this meeting with you. Together, you'll find a way to help him out of this situation. The insurance can be canceled. Can the car be sold? Could the proceeds from that be paid to your mother?

Your son is not worthless, nor is he a bad guy, but he is an adult, and the way you reinforce this concept is to insist he take responsibility. You too are an adult, by the way, which means you don't need to put up with your mom's bullying. Keep that in mind the next time she starts dissing you or your son. A simple "Please, stop" works wonders.

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