June 21, 2016

I hate this kind of depression. I'm not crying, but I have an incredible heaviness in my chest. Any happiness that appears on the outside is manufactured. A mask. I do not feel joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart. I feel an emptiness. I'm going to start my period any second so I'm assuming this is all hormonal. Still doesn't erase the fact that I'm feeling this way.

I'm going to Houston tomorrow to see my sister. It's a spur of the moment type thing. I've never taken a road trip with just me and the kids before. I'm hoping it all goes smoothly and we have a good time and I don't lose my shit on them when they start to whine and complain.

June 02, 2016

There is so much I should say. There are so many words stuck in my throat. I am afraid to talk to my husband about most things. I don't know what might piss him off, so I try to keep things light. I don't think he likes me much, although he says he does. When he is angry with me it seems his real feelings come to the surface and what he thinks of me is pretty negative. I feel like he is critical of me, even though nothing is said out loud. I feel like I can't do anything perfectly enough. I hate how I sound right now. I hate myself a lot lately. Yesterday, the thought "I should just fucking kill myself" seeped its way into my brain. I do not actually want to kill myself. I mean, come on. My kids. They deserve better than that! They deserve to have me here, present and engaged in their little lives. But for one brief moment, as I thought about the bills that are coming due, the things that need to be repaired in the house, the clothes that need to be purchased, the groceries that I need to buy, the business, I just thought I should fucking kill myself to escape this bullshit. And holy fuck, the goddamn business. The albatross around our necks. More my husbands neck than mine, since he is in the trenches day in and day out. With a never ending list of responsibilities. I hate that fucking business. I hate that it's taken my husband and my money and my sense of security. I hate it with a passion that I do not dare let come to the surface or I will RAGE RAGE RAGE at my dad for this mess. One might say this mess isn't inherited since we've owned the business for 3 years, but I swear to fucking god we are still un-doing the mess. We bought a sinking ship for 1.2 fucking million dollars. I hate it. I hate, hate, hate it.And I do not share my feelings with my husband because honestly, it seems counter productive. I try to be positive on the outside, look for bright spots and places to celebrate victories. But what I feel most of the time is fucking pissed.

I have a lot of responsibilities right now. I am expected to be on top of the house, the kids, the laundry, the bills, a small portion of the business and homeschooling. I often feel like I don't do any of them well. I do not want to work for the business anymore. I hate it. I hate everything about it. I don't want to work for my husband. I don't want to work WITH him for that matter. I just want him to deal with the business and I will deal with the house, kids and homeschooling.

July 13, 2013

I was gone for a while. We were involved in a lawsuit, and while we are still involved in a lawsuit, I feel less paranoid and exposed. Hopefully, I'll start writing again with some consistency. I have missed it.