A Hun’s Guide to Being a Ride

12 November 2015

A Hun’s Guide to Being a Ride

Jaysus, lookin this f*cking good is hard work. No joke but I’d say 2/3’s of my wages go on keeping meself looking well. I know my tan lady better than I know my own gal pals. Like, I am not vain, it’s just I’d look like a total wreck without my tan, make-up, nails, hair, waxing, facial and eyelashes done. I’d be fucking invisible otherwise! Could you image walking down the street and not getting the eye by a least one lad??? Be the worst, is what it would be. Must be how nuns feel. Or us after The Victoria Secret fashion show.

I have seen total BOBFOC’s go from unrideable to totally desirable with just one layer of Sally. So don’t think you’re above putting on a bit of lippy. Taking personal pride in your appearance is evolution for god’s sake. Survival of the fittest (bird)- just look at Khloe Kardashian! She’s made do with what she’s got and then added the miracle of f*cking science to ‘enhance’ her beauty. Nothing wrong with using all the damn help there is. Being a ride is more than how you look, gals. It’s a lifestyle.

Start with the body- Eff going to the gym or dieting cos I am a lazy bitch. Shove your fanny into some spanx and watch those rolls magically hide. I always buy clothes two sizes too small – keeps you sucked in and if you ever leave them behind in fella’s place, he will think you’re an extra small.

Make sure to show off either legs or tits. If you’re going to do the double whammy you better have a decent tan. Sally is my go to but when I am heading out or going to something big I go for an ole spray. Then I top it up with some sun shimmer. I’d rather be orange than fat. Do you know what is not a good look? Cellulite. I dunno what to be telling you if your pale? Must be sh*te!

Your hair is your crown and if it is not long and thick then by someone else’s hair and sow it in. Limp hair is like most limp things…nobody wants that. Back comb and use hair spray. A T-bar won’t break the bank so stop with the roots. Unless you’ve beleage, but let’s be honest Ombre hair is for dickheads stuck in 2010. If you’re over 23 – put the granny rinse down and get a side fringe like a nice old lady. If you wear your hair up, you know the rule, double the makeup.

F**k the natural look, the bags under my eyes could take ten Penneys binges and then some. If I don’t have nice eyebrows then my day is ruined. The most natural thing about my face is the face cream I slap on each day. ‘Contouring for whoring’ – get the shovel ready, bitches!

If your nails are not polished you should wear gloves or something. Like how hard is it to get the nails did? At the very worst you can do it. Just cover those plain stubs! Then for good measure you need to bathe in perfume. Cover the smell of B.O. and fanny with a nice scent. Lancôme Miracle is potent as is anything from Jean Paul Gaultier- the aim of the game is for your smell to linger like a good fart.

If in doubt Hun, just think will I regret this in ten years? If the answer is yes, then fire away. Trends make us all 110% ridier. Jelly shoes- full circle moment!