Why dating for the sake of dating is a bad idea!

I know so many people who date just to date.

It doesn't have to be someone you're really into. It doesn't have to be someone you love. There doesn't need to be chemistry nor attraction. That person just happens to be there; they're just Mr or Mrs "Good Enough". We've all heard this term before.

Why is it so difficult to be alone?

Why is everyone so afraid of it?

You know that you can't control the future, right?

You never know if someone will leave you, or if you will leave someone else. Or if someone will die before you do. So what is with all this fear of being alone? I am not saying this to scare people, but I'm saying this to open everyone's eyes and realize that you are not in control of whether you will be alone or not. It's only a false control. You can't control things like this. I know people who are divorced who never thought it would ever happen.

So why not, instead of panicking, become comfortable with being by yourself? That way you won't waste your time with the wrong person. You know what ends up happening if you do waste your time with the wrong person? You end up settling for that person because the longer you stay together, the harder it is to get out. Especially when you get older and people move in together quicker than when you're younger.

Here are REAL LIFE scenarios I have seen happen with my friends. I know how they feel because they tell me.

Scenario 1

Male in his late 20's - gets hurt by ex-girlfriend who everyone knew was a slut to begin with. Instead of realizing his choice in females is what puts him in these situations to get hurt, he decides that all females are the same and decides he doesn't want to date someone he loves or cares about anymore.

He meets a girl through a friend, we'll call her Miss Dunce, who nobody likes mind you, and she stalks him and follows him everywhere. He starts sleeping with her, because he'll have sex with everyone, and she continues to show up at his door. He continues to sleep with other girls and Miss Dunce continues to show up every weekend. After a year they eventually become a couple because she just won't go away. He continues to cheat on her. He tries to break up with her but every time he does, she sits in the corner of his condo and cries like a child. He feels bad, decides to keep her around, but continues to cheat on her. He meets a woman who is his total equal... they hit it off from the get-go. There's sparks, mutual attraction, everything is perfect. While he is trying to figure out how to breakup with his current girlfriend, the new girl finds out he is in a relationship, makes up her mind that he was just a fake a-hole, and cuts him off. Man decides that he was right all along, all women are bitches, and decides to settle for Miss Dunce because she's the only one who stuck around. I know he's not an a-hole, I know and understand why he got himself in this situation, I know deep down inside that he is a great guy, but guess what? That new girl you meet, she doesn't know. She'll NEVER know because she has only known you for a short while, she too has been hurt in her past, and she can only judge you by what you present to her. Fast forward a few years (to his early 30's), he marries Miss Dunce and she now becomes Mrs Dunce because he feels bad that he dragged this relationship on for so long and he feels stuck. But he is miserable, but it's okay because Mrs Dunce is happy.

Scenario 2

The female serial dater.

She's a girl in her mid 20's who just came out a 7 year relationship she didn't want to be in. She stayed in it because it was convenient and she sort of liked him, but she didn't like him enough to commit to him. He gave her an ultimatum, and she decided to end the relationship. Unable to be alone, she dates a different guy every month. As soon as it doesn't work out, she dates the next guy who will give her attention. It might last 1 month, it might last 3 months. But guess what? This doesn't look good to anyone else. Although deep down she's a good person and she wants to find her true soulmate, this makes her look like a slut to everyone else. Especially when you are constantly posting photos of yourself with a guy, every time you get a new guy, to make the last one jealous. Eventually she does meet a good guy, and after going through her facebook and instagram, he makes the assumption that she's just a slut and desperate for a relationship. He tells her he's looking for the real thing and not someone who's desperate, and she insists she's not desperate and that she actually likes him, but like the girl above in Scenario 1, he doesn't believe her because he barely knows her. She realizes she really screwed up, deletes all the photos, and tries to get him back, but he told her he doesn't want to waste time, he has to trust his instincts and he blocks and deletes her from everything. She is now a wreck realizing she screwed up big time.

Scenario 3

The guy and girl who decided to wait.

He doesn't bother dating girls if it's not someone he really wants to be with. He was single from 32 to 39, but he did sleep with the random girl, and befriended girls he didn't want to be in a relationship with. There was a girl that he fell in love with during that time, but the feelings weren't mutual. So after chasing her for a while he gave up on her. But he didn't assume all women are cruel, he kept an open mind. Although he admittedly was depressed that he couldn't meet the right girl, he decided to just enjoy his life as best he can by traveling, playing sports, focusing on his career, hanging out with all of his friends, etc. At 40 years old he met a girl through an acquantaince and she was the best thing that ever happened to him. She is the same age as him and she was just as crazy about him as he was about her. She takes care of herself and looks great for her age. She has never been married and has no children because, just like him, she chose to be single than to settle for Mr Good Enough. They've been together for a year now and are engaged and planning their wedding for September 2016. When I spoke to him, he told me he is so happy he never gave in like everyone else, and that he never just settled for anyone, because if he did he would have never met the love of his life, who feels exactly the same as he does.

Cheesy image.. but GAG wants me to use images LOL. Actually it's kind of cute.. but still cheesy...

The couple in Scenario 3 were not afraid to be alone. Although they were both sad about it, and wished so much to find someone, they never caved. But to go down this path you have to accept that you might never find someone, so if you KNOW that you can't handle this, then maybe you should just settle. But don't go cheating if you do ever find the perfect person.

I don't really have much else to say but, maybe it's important to actually sit and think about why you're really with someone. Do you really want to be with that person, or are you only afraid that you will never find the right person? That you will never get another chance?

I too have been guilty of these feelings. I'm struggling with this now. I met a guy and I have very strong feelings for him, but I am struggling to determine if it's him I really like so much, or if it's that I feel I will never find someone. It's very hard to figure this out, but it's easy to know when you're around this person. How do they make you feel? Are you content? Are you thinking about other people, or secretly wishing your life were different?

I won't ever know how I feel about this person because he lives far away from me and we can't see eachother (his decision, not mine). But my situation is different and rare. Most people fall for people nearby so it should be easier to figure out how you feel.

Most Helpful Guy

Title is misleading for the sake of making it sound like punchy Taboola clickbait. What you're actually saying is 'being in a relationship for its own sake is a bad idea' and I agree with that.

However, you should keep *dating* (as in, going on dates with new people) as otherwise you might not ever end up like the happy couple in scenario 3! When I was single I would go on dates whenever I found someone to date. However, I ended things with a number of girls because I realised it just wasn't going to go anywhere worthwhile. The rest of the time, I enjoyed my life on my own. And that's when I stumbled across my own Scenario 3 girl, and it's been six months of awesome so far.

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Most Helpful Girl

It is something I considered, but he doesn't want to. So now I have to move on somehow. I don't see what the big deal is but I'm not going to try to convince someone to do something they don't want to do.

What Guys Said 9

Simple answer sister Aamina. It's because of this sctewed up tag that people attach to you that if you are single, so wthing must be wrong with you. You are considered some kind of a failure if you are not dating.

Yeah I never understood the purpose of dating otherwise... and I'm realizing people who date to "kill time" end up marrying the one they're killing time with because it keeps them from finding the right person.

You're so judgmental and it's disgusting that you think like that... she's actually really cute and looks better than some 20 year olds... and she was always a good girl so I doubt she's "used up" in any way.

i have no problem getting women. you dont need to insult me just because marrying 40 year old cooch is a looser thing to do. also in my life I've only date one non college educated women. being college educated myself and a professional scientist it does give me a bit of pull.

in not a student im a practicing professional. im not insulting 40 year old women im just saying why would any man marry a 40 year old. you're supposed to marry a girl when she's young not when she's middle aged.

I believe a lot of marriages and relationships fail due to "settling down" and it does overlap with what you saying BUT for me it's not as simple as "dating for sakes of dating". Some people can't get dates or s/o's and it goes beyond lonely to "I'm not worthy of love". From a guys point of view, if the guy doesn't date a lot he won't know how to attract the girl he likes to begin with anyway. So it's imperative a guy dates a lot. That's why pick up artists go out there way to date and get numbers without actually following through. Dick move but well they become great with women at the end of it. And lastly... how is a guy supposed to get sex if he is alone? Prostitutes only go so far and your wallet gets a hammering.

Well we're talking about different things. What I wrote has nothing to do with casual dating/sex. But you can be clear about what you want. You can meet a girl and date her, you can let her know you are just "getting to know each other". If she decides to have sex with you during this time that is on her and it's her choice. If you decide you are not compatible and she isn't someone you want to be with, you shouldn't lead her on and be with someone you don't want to be with.

Meeting girls, going on dates, casual sex are different than getting into a serious relationship, leading someone on, bringing them out to family gatherings, vacationing together. Letting someone think or believe you have a future together when you know that isn't the right person for you. That is what I'm talking about. And I've seen people do this with people they don't want to be with, and then get stuck because they obviously care for the person - how can you not after spending so much time together?

I'm glad you brought this up though because I realize some people might have thought the same thing as you, and it's definitely not what I am trying to convey. Dating is extremely important, as you wrote, to get to know the opposite sex, figure out what you want, like/dislike, what you can and can not tolerate.

I get what you saying, but I wasn't clear enough, let me elaborate (the sex thing I kinda threw in at the end) What my argument is, men have to date for date sakes. Whether it be for long term or casual, men have to practice. Why do you think most of us guys call it "getting lucky". I would love to date and choose and find etc but some of us guys don't have any choice. Beggars can't be choosers. It's like a poor man wanting a mansion but works his way up and gets a mediocre house. It's out of his control but he gets a house. Being an attractive guy who has control over who he dates or not is a privelage denied to many men. I'm a perfect example. I want a naughty girl but my nice guy demeanour only attracts nice girls. So I have never had my naughty girl, in fact I would honestly believe that women don't like sex and have no libido if it were not for all the stories I read to prove otherwise. But rather a nice companion than nothing (and that is a long term thing).

Hmm.. I see what you're saying. That some people just don't have choices, or they feel that they do not, so they settle for whoever they think is in their (and I hate using this word) "league".

I guess that can be true for a lot of people. Someone might specifically want a certain person, but they can't.

In all honesty I have never been in a situation where there was mutual love/attraction between me and a guy. It was always either I was in love/infatuated, or they were in love/infatuated. But I can't be with someone I don't really want to be with so I spend most of my time single. I meet a lot of guys but most of them only want to have sex with me. But I'd rather be single than settle. I do hope that I'll someday meet someone and we'll have a mutual love/respect/attraction for each other but I'm not so certain it will happen for me. But for some reason I think it's more likely to happen to others.

"likely to happen to others?" I think you, me and a lot of us are in the same boat. men have this plus no sex (hence the prostitution and pick up artist industry is massive lol) so be thankful there. I have succumbed to the fact that there is no "perfect" fit. all I want is a girl with a fun mind and keeps in shape (like me;)

I'm not looking for the perfect fit either, but at least someone who I'm excited to see and be around. If I'm not happy with someone, they won't be happy either, because I won't treat someone well if I don't want to be with them, and that's not fair for anyone.

It's hard to agree or disagree with you or anyone. In one way, yeah it's great to find the person that you love, but the person that I loved left me for someone else. We were living together for 3 years, together for 7 years in total and we were supposed to get married in April of this year. She broke up with me last year and canceled the wedding around Christmas and it's really hard for me to think about getting into a relationship with someone else that I feel that way about. It's easier for me to just date someone I don't care about that much just to have someone around and to have someone to come home to. My apartment is empty now, all my friends are engaged, married or living with their girlfriends so it's hard time to be single right now

Darling, don't loose hope, you are still very young... first, you r in an emotional wreck (I can't even imagine how u feel) and best to cure yourself before thinking of somebody else is, learn to be with yourself. If u date who u don't care about you'll never find a special girl to marry. Dating for the sake of dating is escapism and a dark black hole difficult to get out from (I know, a bit dramatic but I've been there cause I was scared of love for many many years) I've also been in a relationship for far too long for the wrong reasons, now I'm almost 39 and my flat is empty as I've been running away for many years. I rather have an empty bed than an empty heart thou. I hope you find the one... have faith and let go of past

I agree. I guess you could say I've lowered my standards and dated girls who liked me that I wasn't really into just because they'd say yes no matter what and to prove to people that I'm capable of still getting women. I ended it because I felt like I was unintentionally leading them on and I got no excitement from it. It's like if I'm not happy about it, who gives a shit about what others think?

The shitty thing is, usually the ones that I had the least interest in wanted to keep seeing me and vice versa. I mean not to sound entitled, but dating shouldn't be like that.

Yeah and that's the tough part about people I'm interested in which is finding the balance of not coming off too interested and not being too distant even when the girl shows a lot of interest early on.

I'd also like to add that it's important to realize the difference between nobody wanting you and just the ones you want not wanting you because it can really damage your self esteem if you just see it as nobody wants you. Finding mutual interest is a challenge.

You don't need to get so upset about it. If you're the type to get into a relationship because you prefer it over being single, that's great for you, but to people who care about being with the right person, it's better to wait. If this article wasn't for you, that's fine you don't need to agree with it. Everyone is allowed their own opinion.

It's very childish for you to assume anything about my dating life. Don't blame me because you are in your 30s , single and bitter. I do care about finding the right person and the truth is judging by your attitude no wonder why men do not want to be around you.

you doing need a reason or excuse to date and dating does not have to be a perfect experience. its not a commitment ours a tasting. dating means you can break up whenever you want. even relationship means you can break up. marriage is slightly more complicated but you can still break up.

you can't be afraid to have negative outcomes... if we dont allow possibility of bad experiences we won't learn what to do with good ones.

that guy didn't get in trouble because he was dating someone he didn't like,. he got in trouble because he was a coward and didn't break out off. by the way she's not a stalker iff he's actually spending time with her... you've got issues with women. clearly.