If Lindsay Lohan Mentored Amanda Bynes: The (Imaginary) Intervention

Hallelujah! It's a miracle!Lindsay Lohan once was lost, but now she's found! Or at least she's found something sort of constructive to do, in theory. Yes, the formerly troubled starlet has apparently offered to share her newfound wisdom with a certain contemporary, another ex-child star who appears to be going down the same rocky road LiLo traveled for so very long. Think you can guess who that wayward celeb might be?

Nope, not Rihanna -- I said ex-child star, remember? I'm talking about Amanda Bynes!! Of course. The concept of Lohan as mentor to Bynes makes an infinite amount of sense. Lindsay's been through everything Amanda is going through right now: The DUI, the less-than-flattering mug shot, the constant challenge of fending off paparazzi while totally wasted. Plus Lindsay's done a bunch of stuff Amanda hasn't (yet). LiLo has SO much knowledge to share!

Just imagine how much Bynes could learn from her very first mentoring session with Lohan ...

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Lindsay Lohan: Hey, sweetie, it's so good to see you! (kisses Bynes on both cheeks) You look ah-mazing. Seriously. Your hair is awesome, you know those bitchy bloggers are just jealous.

LL: Tell me about it! I swear, police department lighting sucks. And it's not like there's a hair and makeup person, you know? They just take the picture. I couldn't believe it when I got my first one and they said, "No retouching."

AB: They make you feel like ... like a criminal. Like you broke some law or something.

LL: I know, it's such BS. (rolls her eyes) God, wait 'til you see what it's like in court. (pauses awkwardly) Not that you're gonna, like, go to jail or anything. Because I'm totally gonna help you. Okay? So you're definitely not going to jail. Okay? Don't freak out. Are you freaking out?

AB: Well ... I am now, sort of. Before I was just worried about rehab. Because I so DON'T need to go to rehab. Why would anybody even think that??

LL: I know, it's such BS. But you know, rehab is not that big of a deal if you DO go. Because you don't, like, actually have to stop doing anything you're used to doing. You just have to hang out and talk about your screwed-up parents and pretend to listen when the other people talk about their problems. And usually there's at least one hot guy there, for when you get bored.

AB: Really?

LL: Totally! I still hook up with this one guy from the last time I went to rehab. And he turned out to have an amazing dealer, so I made a really great connection, too.

AB: I guess that doesn't sound so bad. I still don't want to go, though. How do I get everybody to leave me alone?

LL: Okay, so basically? I figured out like, three rules for making it look like you're being "good." But don't tell anybody, cause I'm maybe gonna write a book about them and try to like, help people. (looks earnest and sincere)

AB: Uh ... sure.

LL: Awesome. So here goes -- number 1, make sure you don't accidentally steal anything. Especially jewelry. You know like when you're stoned and you forget that you're at a store and not looking through your closet?

AB: Yeah, totally.

LL: You'd think people would be understanding, but they're not. So anyway, rule number 2: See if you can get hired cleaning toilets at a morgue.

AB: What?!

LL: I know, it's super gross and they MADE me do it but people thought it like, taught me a lesson. Anyway, you just have to make like you're gonna do it and then slip one of the people who actually works there a couple hundred bucks to clean for you.

LL: I know, it sucks, it really does. But just for a little while, cause right now everybody's all expecting you to crash into another cop car or something. Anyway, don't even worry about it because guess what? I will totally be your new driver!