Michele Bachmann Retires As President of Crazyland

Share

Michele Bachmann, who since 2009 2007 has faithfully represented the interests of Minnesota’s Sixth Congressional District and driven search-engine traffic across the country, announced today that she isretiring.

Bachmann faced a dire threat of losing reelection. But to think she was chased out of her job is an error born from thinking of Bachmann as merely another member of Congress. Bachmann is more than that: She is President of Crazyland, a title she has jostled for and maintained, in the face of unrelenting intraparty competition, since 2009. In that sense, Bachmann is walking away at the top of hergame.

Bachmann’s contributions as president were manifold. During her tenure, she alerted the residents of Crazyland to many threats, and thus, presumably prevented them from occurring. And so, here are Bachmann’s ten greatest insights as President ofCrazyland:

1. Barack Obama “may have anti-American views.” (Figures like Rush Limbaugh and Rand Paul have arrived at similar conclusions, but Bachmann beat them toit.)

“Little girls who have a negative reaction to this potentially dangerous drug don’t get a mulligan,” Bachmann proclaimed. “They don’t get a do-over. The parents don’t get ado-over.”

That is not the critique I would have thought to make of RickPerry.

4. God is sending natural disasters to warn us to cut domesticspending:

“I don’t know how much God has to do to get the attention of the politicians. We’ve had an earthquake; we’ve had a hurricane. He said, ‘Are you going to start listening to me here?’ Listen to the American people because the American people are roaring right now. They know government is on a morbid obesity diet and we’ve got to rein in thespending.”

Now ACORN has been named one of the national partners, which will be a recipient again of federal money,” Bachmann said. “And they will be in charge of going door-to-door and collecting data from the Americanpublic.

“It appears that there has been deep penetration in the halls of our United States government by the Muslim Brotherhood,” Bachmann told radio host Sandy Rios in June. “It appears that there are individuals who are associated with the Muslim Brotherhood who have positions, very sensitive positions, in our Department of Justice, our Department of Homeland Security, potentially even in the National IntelligenceAgency.”

Bachmann’s critics say she is making things up. But the truth perhaps is that she is identifying sinister threats to the United States and, as President of Crazyland, thwarting them. The nonexistence of these threats is not proof of Bachmann’s insanity. It is proof of her success. Who will protect us now from Census workers using Sharia law to kill us with homosexualObamacare?