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Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Ministers to launch Welsh blogger cull

The Wales Office is preparing to start blogger culls across Wales for the first time in history, it can be revealed.

The culls could start within weeks after the completion of a Government report into the role that bloggers play in spreading the ideals of Welsh nationalism among Cambrians.

In the expectation of an imminent release of licences to kill bloggers, ministers have earmarked areas of the country where the cull could begin, while MI5½ is conducting four secret trials to find which are the most effective ways of killing bloggers - snaring, trapping, shooting or gassing. The use of trolling has been discovered to be "ineffective".

A move to permit culling, however, would be certain to provoke ferocious opposition from geek welfare groups, who insist it is not necessary and believe the spread of nationalism is due to centuries of bad government.

However, the final report, which ministers will receive later this month, is expected to acknowledge that culling bloggers can be an effective means of maintaing the status quo. Wales Office officials have already indicated that following its publication they would struggle to justify any moratorium.

Paul Flynn and Peter Hain have been involved in discussions about preventing any moratorium. The latter of the two will make the final decision.

There were 788 new suspected outbreaks of nationalist tweeting in January and February compared with 7 in the same period of last year. There are reports of nationalism spreading to domestic voters, which has provoked fears that this could lead to growth in support for independence.

Outbreaks have caused many voters to leave the Labour Party, while some desperate councillors are carrying out illegal culls.

The Friends of Paul Flynn Society claims that before the advent of blogging nationalism was almost non-existent, but its introduction allowed the ideology to spread.

Paul Flynn MP said: "The Government can't walk away from its responsibility this time. The scientific evidence from the report will prove they must act. The anger and depression of the Labour Party in Newport, I mean Wales, is unbelievable. We need to move ahead with a cull as soon as possible."

Although the Flynn report is expected to say that removing bloggers can play a positive role in tackling nationalism, it will also warn of the possible dangers of perturbation, where bloggers that escape the cull relocate elsewhere and help to spread their ideals.

This will give ministers two options: to apply for a licence to cull throughout the whole of Wales, where research suggests the benefits of culling outweigh the effects of perturbation, or to demand small, targeted culls, in areas which are bordered by rivers, railways or coastlines.

Don 'Kill-a-Crachach' Touhig MP, a supporter of the scheme, said: "The hints we're getting are that there will be limited licences issued. If they allow us targeted culls against the Nat nerds in the hot spots, then in two years, we will be on top of it."