Category: emotional eating

The other night I posted about not using food to manage emotions and how I was struggling to not do so. I didn’t succumb that night, but yesterday, I did. The difference these days, is I don’t just mindlessly swing into the McD’s drive through and order whatever I want and scarf it down. And then drive back through for a McFlurry. (Yes, that has happened a few times back in the day.) Now I put thought into it and announce to myself, “I am going to go off my plan right now because I want a snack and I want a snack that is yummy because I am stressed, exhausted & annoyed. I chose a little bag of combos and a little bag of peanut m&ms because I wanted to sit and eat them one-by-one and just escape for a little while. Now I KNOW this is “wrong.” Food is not an escape and I need to work on finding other ways to have ‘little escapes.’ But I also can’t help but notice that EVERYONE seems to do this. I spend many of my days in hospitals and college campuses watching people (ok that sounds creepy, but whatever). Even the skinniest, healthiest people use treats to manage stress. On the crazy days in the emergency department, a giant bag of candy ALWAYS suddenly appears in the nurse’s station. Practically everyone in the surgery and ED waiting rooms is munching on something!

If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it too?

Does this blog seem like incoherent rambling? Yes. Like making a big excuse for my behavior yesterday? No. I actually don’t even feel bad about yesterday which is part of what I am learning to do. Food regret and guilt leads us to saying things like, “Well fuck it, I messed this whole week up now, I may as well just start back at healthy tomorrow….. or Monday…. or next month.” And I don’t do that anymore. There is no “one last meal,” no, “I’ll start back up tomorrow;” there is just LIFE.

I’m sad and sulking. Lonnie is working the overnight shift tonight 7pm to 730am, and he did last night too. This is a VERY new thing that is going to take some serious getting used to. Pre Phit-n-phat, I would be at least 2 glasses of wine in, and I would have a bag of combos on one side of me and a bag of sour patch kids on the other. I would happily, mindlessly sip-n-snack the evening away. (side note: my mouth is LITERALLY watering right now.)

I didn’t put wine, or sour patch kids, or combos on my plan I wrote this morning. So I won’t have them. What WILL be going on my plan this weekend, and I WILL be having is COOKIES!! Something reminded me of Nestle ‘break and bake’ chocolate chip cookies that were filled with peanut butter they used to sell. I think they were discontinued years ago. They were SO. DAMN. GOOD. Ooey and gooey. Chewy and chocolately. Sweet and Salty. And let’s not forget peanutbuttery.

So I am trying to find a way to make them. Nicole suggested freezing a little block of peanut butter and wrapping the dough around. A solid idea, but I think the cold will slow the baking down and the cookies would dry out before the dough melted.

Then I found a recipe for chocolate peanut butter filled cookies. It suggests mixing the peanut butter with powdered sugar and rolling it into balls to wrap the dough around. Will it be too sweet?

You know what!? I’m going to try it both ways! And any other ways I stumble upon….

Last November I read a book called “Never Binge Again: Reprogram Yourself to Think Like a Permanently Thin Person” that turned out to be life-changing (however, not as immediately and dramatically as the author claims it to be). After reading the book I added some foods to my “never eat again” list. This went against the old, “everything in moderation,” idea we’ve always been taught.

I never ate Sour Patch Kids or Reduced Fat Cheezits again. Those 2 foods joined fountain diet Pepsi, and my ex-husband, in the Historical Museum of Bad Past Relationships.

HOWEVER…. for many months, I cheated. My Reduced Fat Cheezits became Goldfish crackers or Cheddar Combos and my Sour Patch Kids became Skittles. I quikly became so known for skittles, my coworkers brought me them as treats and came to expect and look forward to my “leftover (disgusting) greens.” It slowly dawned on me that I had not “quit” anything. I still was meeting my emotional needs with a cheesy crunchy snack and a sweet-sour chewy snack. So I stopped. I did so by proclaiming to myself, my coworkers (to turn down their generous candy gifts), and my family that I no longer ate skittles. There is literally NO GOOD REASON for me to ever eat Skittles. None. Think of one. I dare you (and “Cuz they’re gud” isn’t a reason. I’m sure cocaine is gud too).

So now Skittles have a cute little shelf in the museum.

Guess what!? I’m FINE! I miss NONE of the things I decided to stop eating.

I did make a choice not put Goldfish in the museum because, well, I don’t want to and I am the boss of my own self. Also because I have a propensity for motion-sickness when traveling and Goldfish are my cure. Sometimes I AM eating them for an emotional reason, usually work busy busy busy-ness. The key is to know what I am doing and why. I’m not just ‘cookie-monstering’ my way through life, gobbling up my emotions like snickerdoodles.

Results? YES! I ‘ve lot more than 20 pounds! BUT, I attribute the weight loss more to using Myfitnesspal (diet AND exercise). The REAL results of embracing the philosophy were changes in my MIND and ATTITUDE. I really thought I *NEEDED* those things. My life is better because I am not a slave to cravings. Being on the Myfitnesspal program has been a CINCH this time around, and I completely credit my embracing the spirit of that book for paving the way to have success this time around. My BODY is not the problem, it’s my MIND that needed tweaking.

If I can do it, YOU CAN DO IT. I have LITERALLY written blogs about my love of (and trying to quit ) fountain soda and how I felt like it helped identify me as a person LOL

If you are so inclined, you can read my blog post I wrote when I finished the book last year, by clicking here!

When I picture “Binge Eating Disorder,” I see a person sitting in the middle of a pile of junk food and empty wrappers in a frenzied, frantic state. I see a woman sneaking away from her family and shoving food down her throat really fast before someone comes into the room. I see someone digging through trash to find food they had tried to throw away to stop themselves from eating it. I see someone ordering a salad when out with friends, and then going home and eating their entire kitchen. Disgusting scenes. All of them.

That’s not me. So, of COURSE, I don’t have “Binge Eating Disorder,” right? Wrong. 40 years of denial has been fun though. LOL It’s embarrassing. Disgusting. It sounds so much nicer to say things like, “emotional eating,” or “overeating,” or joking about just loving food.

I don’t even remember what triggered the thought I may have this problem. I do remember that once it occurred to me, I pushed it down and didn’t research it like I usually would for a least a week. I didn’t want to see in print what my heart already knew.

When I did begin to research, I took some quizzes and read some scholarly journal articles, and had to face the facts.It’s been several weeks since I realized that I have a problem, and I am only now feeling like I can blog about it. But here I am blogging, because I just finished this book and it has been so different from other stuff I have read in my seemingly never-ending-quest-for-thinness. The book had me when he basically says, ‘you can’t love yourself thin…that’s stupid.‘

I have committed to some major changes since reading the book and have not waivered, so I think I am on to something here. So I share, even though I am embarrassed, in case there is even one person out there living the struggle that I can help. The book is freaking FREE (I have no idea why…..) on Amazon and is electronic so you can start immediately!!!

Today marks 1 month since Jessi flew the coop. Not-gonna-lie, that first week was ROUGH! There was a lot of crying, sulking, pouting, moping….. you get the idea. Since then, I have been ok, we text every day, and she is still including me in knowing stuff about her life. Less stuff. But stuff. This is what she needed, to get away from my influence, Maine, and whatever else, and to have a chance to figure out what she wants and who she is with no distractions.

So… during the day. I am fine. Yes, there are some songs that come on the radio or things I see that bring on that sting in the eyes…. but I recover quickly 😉 Being focused on house stuff, weekend adventures, and fitness, has been a huge help to avoid emotional eating or wallowing in my own self-pity.

The last goodbye tackle

During the day.

It’s the weirdo nighttime shit that is disconcerting. A few nights a week I have Jessi dreams where I am crying and sobbing hysterically. The other night I dreamt that she and I were driving her down to Richmond, so we stopped at the grocery store and I was buying ALL THE BAD FOOD for the road trip and sobbing as I wandered through the aisles filling my cart with Pirate’s Booty and Sour Patch Kids. . Which do I miss more? Jessi? or Junk food!? LOL

Being a mom is sadistic. You spend almost 20 years bonding and getting attached just to RIP EM OFF YA ::::insert velcro sound here:::::

The goal of these Facebook challenges is to have bettered yourself in some way by the end of the 21 days. It’s also based on the theory that it takes 21 days to make a habit. Every day you get 1 point for an exercise photo and 1 point for a healthy eating photo, and every point is an entry for a drawing and a t-shirt. I won a t-shirt last month!! WINNING!!

Last week was a break from the challenges for the holiday, but it wasn’t a break for me! Lonnie has finally jumped on board with me and we kissed sugar goodbye last Sunday. Honestly, for some reason it hasn’t even been that hard. And it is AMAZING the changes that happen so quickly when junk food and sugar aren’t in my system…

I feel thinner and lighter within a couple days.

My mental clarity and focus improve right away. Which was AWESOME because it allowed me to get COMPLETELY caught up in my coursework. Having that hanging over my head was really bothering me.

I actually FEEL LIKE exercising, so it’s not forced and annoying.

ENERGY— I HAS IT! We have made LOTS of progress around the house the past few days. LOTS of dump trips, sorting, AND we redid Sean’s room for him (He wanted to move into Jessi’s room) and it looks AWESOME!!

Having this to focus on has helped with the transition of Jessi moving away. Speaking of Jessi; she seems to be doing GREAT down in Richmond. It’s clear to me now that a big part of this move was to gain some independence from me, so while it’s weird and a little sad for me to not know her every move and feeling and not talk to her as much as I used to. It’s awesome that she is strong enough to take this step for herself! Whoa…. typing that brought on the tears a little. I thought I was done with those!! DAMNIT!!

Off to pick up Sean who is doing his Monday jog up at the “track.” (air quotes because this is Winterport and the term track is very. VERY. loose. It’s really just a worn down path around a soccer field.)

As I watch the second of our 2 cars being hauled off by a tow truck–both this morning, I thought myself, “WELL FUCK JULY SO FAR!” Then I remembered my mom saying in an email the other day, “Blog, girl, blog. It’s cheaper than psychotherapy “

So… July started with my baby moving 12 hours away, and not-at-all in the way we had planned. The plan was to load her and her friend up in a moving truck, and wave goodbye as they drove off into the horizon. Then her friend decided she couldn’t go for 2 more weeks, which threw Jessi (and the rest of us) in turmoil over whether or not to go or wait. From a place of strength and determination, and despite being terrified, Jessi decided just to go on her own. ….which was great except we had to figure out how to get her, and at least SOME of her stuff there. After lots of discussion, we ended up buying her a plane ticket from Boston. We would drive her down, stay one night down there with her, put her on the plane with 2 giant checked bags, and head home. We also used http://www.busfreighter.com to ship her a bunch of boxes through greyhound. Cheapest option by far; fingers crossed the boxes make it there.

Since I was dealing with all of Jessi’s stuff, and my emotions surrounding said ‘stuff,’ and was sick the whole beginning of the week with either the flu or Lyme, I totally flaked on my assignments due for school this week. I did just get one done, but it was late, so I will be marked down, and I still have one more to get done. I hate that shit. I am a bit of a perfectionist about grad school.

One last tackle

Add onto this that this house is a complete shambles. Since Jessi couldn’t take everything, she had to make choices about what she really wanted to keep and what she didn’t. Since there was no time for her to dispose of (Goodwill, trash, friends, etc.doritos), it’s all left here for me to deal with. Also, Sean is moving into her bedroom, and we are moving all of our clothes and stuff into his old room, so that is also a work-in-progress-disaster.Emotionally… well… I haven’t cried yet today-even while typing all this, so, just the fact that I consider that a triumph should hint to my recent emotional state. I miss that girl like crazy! My movie/shopping/cooking/roadtrip/hang out buddy is 12 hours away now 😦 …in a city all alone!

All I can picture is her when she looked like this, standing in the middle of Richmond, looking like this surrounded by her bags looking lost & confused —(Which is COMPLETELY not the case, BTW! She is killing it!)

Saturday when we got home from Boston, I allowed myself ONE NIGHT to wallow in Doritos, sour cream, and rum. Sunday morning we ALL, even Sean, got back to healthy eating and exercise. It feels good to be in control and mindful of the fact that I am going to want to eat junk because I am sad, but not giving in to that feeling! The exercise and running has helped me immensely– just like it did when I went through my divorce. Gives me something to focus on and also gets out the yucky energy!

Sean, Luna, and I out for an early run this morning… in between the cars breaking

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Me

I am a 40 something (yikers!) year old divorced, and then re-married, mom of two, Sean and Jessi. A lot of my blog is focused on my struggle with my weight. Another lot of my blog is focused on my journey to better myself in other aspects of my life. I spent the first half of my life angry and bitter, with big splashes of fun to hold it together. In this half, I've kept the fun and put in the work on myself to kiss the angry, bitter bitch goodbye!
I have been blogging since 2006ish on my on Porchrockers blogger blog. I love blogging and I loved that blog, but my life has changed so much that it just didn't fit me anymore so I created a shiny new blog to match my shiny new life!