The SafeWise Report

You Might Have Redneck Security If…

Who doesn’t remember the classic “You might be a Redneck If…” jokes from funnyman Jeff Foxworthy? If you’ve been having some suspicions about the exact hue of your neck – or your neighbors’ – wonder no more. We’ve come up with some surefire ways to know just how red your neck might be, especially when it comes to home security.

If you’ve ever used any of the following five home security methods, you just might be featured in Mr. Foxworthy’s next round of jokes.

1. Beware of Dog

There’s no question that a well-trained guard dog can provide a level of security for your home and family. But dogs can be messy and demanding, so why not just plaster the place with “Beware of Dog” signs? You need at least one on the front gate or fence and another on the house itself. Throw in a few large, beat up dog bowls for good measure and don’t be afraid to add a spotlight to make sure your warning is visible under all conditions. To add to the authenticity, you can get a recording of your cousin’s dog barking and make sure it plays whenever undesirables try to get to your front door.

2. Proud Member of the National Rifle Association (NRA)

While dogs might spook some bad guys, others won’t stop for anything less than cold steel and lead. That’s where a strategically placed NRA decal comes in. Advertise your love of the gun with as much NRA propaganda as you can legally display. You can also pick up some signs featuring the friendly, “Trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again” message. Add some gun racks and maybe a box or two of ammo just casually placed on the porch and you’re sure to give those ne’er-do-wells the message that they picked the wrong house to mess with.

3. Bad Guy Booby Trap

If you thought all those cars up on blocks and outdoor sofas were just for decoration, then you’re missing the bigger picture. You can make the perfect bad guy booby trap in your front yard and it won’t cost a thing! Throw in some random toys, maybe a defunct birdbath and an array of yard tools like rakes and hoes. Those potential burglars won’t know what hit them as they stumble around stepping on hazardous trappings that might end with a rake handle to the face. If you need inspiration, check out Kevin’s antics in “Home Alone” and learn to create the perfect front yard obstacle course.

4. Skating Rink

Although this isn’t a year-round security system, during the frigid months there’s nothing better at keeping criminals away than a front walkway so slippery that no one’s getting to the front door, let alone the family jewels. When the temps start dipping below freezing all you have to do is give your sidewalk, driveway, front steps and porch a good spray-down with the garden hose and Mother Nature will take care of the rest. But you need to be diligent to keep this security method in place. Ice likes to melt, so be sure to keep that hose handy all winter long.

5. Recycled Alarm System

Put all those used beer cans to use, help the environment and protect your home all at the same time. Set up a field of beer can land mines along every entrance to your home and under ground-floor windows. The clank-clank of those empties will be loud enough to rouse you from any slumber and startle nefarious prowlers. If you’re lucky, the noise will also incite any neighborhood dogs to bark, adding new heights of security to this cost-effective, DIY alarm system.

While it’s fun to joke around, home security is no laughing matter. If you’re ready to upgrade from these homemade security systems, let SafeWise help you find the right system for your needs and budget. Use our handy security system finder and start protecting your home and family today.