Power Play: Tim Cook Just Installed The Only iPhone 7 Headphone Jack Into His Abdomen

Many Apple fans were none too pleased to learn the company was removing the standard headphone jack from the upcoming iPhone 7, forcing users to either buy pricy wireless earbuds or carry around an extra adapter. Some say Apple went too far with the product shake-up, but its CEOs latest actions prove that the company is doubling down on the new design: Tim Cook just had the only iPhone 7 headphone jack surgically installed into his abdomen.

Wow. Talk about Apple totally laying down the law.

Tim Cook made the big announcement at the companys Cupertino headquarters early this morning. He walked on stage in front of assembled press and immediately lifted his shirt to reveal a 3.5 mm headphone jack carefully sutured into the flesh above his navel. After showing it wordlessly for several minutes, Cook made it absolutely clear that this was the last headphone jack the company would ever produce with a thundering invective.

To those who have issued pale complaints that the iPhone 7 will not have a headphone jack, I invite you to gaze upon this, said Cook as he slowly rubbed the fully functional headphone jack that had been inserted right below his rib cage. Here is your precious headphone jack. I have it. You want somewhere to put an auxiliary cable? You come to me. I am your father now.

Love or hate the fact that everyone seeking to use an iPhone headphone jack must now fly to the Bay Area and plug into Tim Cooks abdomen, this is undeniably Apple showing that it is still the power player of the tech world.

In a quickly changing industry, Apple just sent a crystal clear message to smartphone users everywhere: Get on board with wireless technology, or be prepared to plug your old-fashioned headphones right into Tim Cooks stomach. Your move, Samsung.