I was too knackered afterwards to write anything.I’d planned to, but I just couldn’t face
it.There’s been a circus over the last
week and I’m conscious that this piece’ll add an ineffectual plop of
vomit-covering sawdust to the stampeding media elephants filling your feeds and
various screens.I’m still going to say
it though.

The critics are right: this film’s a dog’s breakfast.Oddly enough, it's not totally Snyder's
fault. DC got the film they wanted, just
like Marvel did with their recent Fantastic Four reboot. Whether they’ll blame someone else for that, remains to
be seen.

This film is based almost
entirely on things DC’ve published; it's a
slavish, bleak, hagiographical dramatisation of the company’s more recent holy
texts. I tried to like it, I really did.There’s definitely an interesting film in there, unfortunately, it’s The Dark Knight.1Irons and Affleck are
fine, and so are Eisenberg and Cavill, ignore what you've heard, they do their best to glitter-roll their
roles.The script's an awful Fijian Mermaid and - as usual
- the bits that're lifted from comic panels work the best.

Man of Steel was an attempt to make a
Superman film that’d fit in the same universe as Christopher Nolan’s (rather
successful) Batman ones.It’s a loose,
loose adaptation of John Byrne’s Man of
Steel mini-series, itself a reboot of the character after Alan Moore had wrapped him up in Whatever Happened to the Man of
Tomorrow?, which remains the final word in Superman stories.So, let’s talk about Zod. I don’t buy the argument that Superman had no choice but to break Zod’s neck
for one moment, and that’s because I’m aware that screenplays are what
accountants sign off on.Writers allow characters to make decisions, but typists don’t.

The references in Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice Team America (that’s what it’s
called) to 1938 and how the world’s become more complicated don’t wash
either.Superman represents light and
Batman darkness.It’s not a particularly
profound observation, although the latest film obviously thinks it’s hit on something
nobody’s ever noticed.2

I’ve written at length about this before, so I’ll just reiterate that
Frank Miller’s The Dark Knight Returns
is the final Batman story.It’s not
a template.Having said that, The Dark Knight Returns still stands up
today, unlike the Doomsday storyline which crops up in the closing months of Batman v Superman.DC’s Doomsday storyline, which reached its
temporary conclusion in Superman 75, hasn’t aged well.It’s a fight scene that goes on and on and on
and on, culminating in an issue made up entirely of full-page panels.The film certainly feels faithful to that experience.

Coming back to death and superheroes, yes, it’s fair to say that the
characters’ve killed before in both comics and film.The Doomsday storyline features plenty of
civilian casualties – there’s even a visual quote from Watchmen that’s more accurate than Snyder’s yet managed – but there
remains a sense of play to it, these are stake-raising storybeats.A deconstructed comedy death is a hideous
thing, but it somewhat misses the point of why jeopardy can make escapism more
thrilling.The real problem is that,
despite featuring him, neither Man of
Steel or Batman v Superman are
really Superman films, being made with everything set to 'Batman'.Which is a shame, as the children of America
could do with a decent hero.

Snyder's all about image, but comics have words too. Christopher Nolan'd already made The Dark Knight, a film that featured
superheroes, rather than a superhero film. Snyder still doesn't understand the
difference, having proved this was a personal blindspot with Watchmen. Also, Neil Gaiman's already written American Gods, but I’m not sure that’s a
text that’s being referred to here, largely because it contains an element of
cultural criticism and sustained thematic arguments.

I've not been very impressed with America for a while now, and this is a film
made only for Americans. I can't see Suicide Squad being any more interesting
or pleasant. DC should let Snyder make his live-action Justice Team America. Or All Star Batman & Robin, the Boy Wonder.

Which, in many ways, he just has.3

Him: If it was called 'Manman v Superbat' I'd watch it.

1.Which
was a method of writing that used to work fine for Alan Moore’s Scottish
Tribute Act, right enough.I’m guessing
Snyder’s read Supergods as well as The Fountainhead.

2.The Excalibur/Arthurian guff
is hilarious.It’s closer to a
less-insightful version of Mad’s adaption of Boorman’s film or – Kal save us –
the execrable Camelot 3000.By the time Justice Team America’s out we’ll probably be able to solve the
energy crisis simply by hooking Thomas Malory up to a generator.Still, thanks to Zimmer and Junkie XL for the
musical quote.Knowing that one of them worked on Doctor in Distress and one of them with Rammstein, it’s fair to say
that while the score might not be taking the piss as such, it’s certainly
having a lot of fun.