Ya Gotta Love Qb Soap Opera

MIKE BERARDINO COMMENTARY

No, it doesn't take long to call roll for the All-Time Doghouse of Stage Fathers Who Have Publicly Challenged Steve Spurrier. But there's little doubt Dan Grossman is the newest, most prominent member.

That much became clear early Tuesday afternoon at the Radisson Deauville, where the University of Florida football coach found himself in the uncomfortable position of fending off questions about his starting quarterback's father.

Make that "former starting quarterback," since Rex Grossman's selfish decision to break curfew by 30 minutes last weekend dropped him behind Brock Berlin on the Gators' depth chart for tonight's Orange Bowl against Maryland.

What did the Evil Genius think about the elder Grossman's criticism of his disciplinary policies? Specifically, what did Spurrier think about Dan Grossman's charge that "the punishment doesn't fit the crime" and that the sophomore quarterback was treated more severely than others who committed the same sin this week?

"I don't even need to answer that," Spurrier began, shifting in his seat on the dais. "I'm comfortable where we are, and that's what we're going to do."

Had he spoken to Grossman's father since the allegations went public Tuesday morning? Yes, he had. Any apologies in either direction?

"No, no, no, no, no," Spurrier said. "Whatever I said to him or he said to me shouldn't be public knowledge. But we had a nice conversation."

Spurrier could have left it there. Most coaches in the ultra-political world of big-time college sports would have, but not the Evil Genius. He can't help himself. His tact chip was removed long ago.

So, after a pause, Spurrier volunteered a little more on l'affaire de Grossman. Just as he once did with the fathers of Terry Dean and Eric Kresser, Spurrier reminded everyone who's the meanest Gator in the swamp ... and it's not Dan Grossman.

"He's not involved in this," Spurrier said of the elder Grossman, an optometrist in Bloomington, Ind., and close personal friend of one Bob Knight. "You know, Brock Berlin's got a daddy, too. Did you know that?"

Indeed, Rick Berlin will be at Pro Player Stadium tonight, where he'll watch his son make his first career start in two frustrating seasons at Florida. He's also likely to leave with his head spinning after the latest twist in college football's best little soap opera.

See, this was supposed to be Brock Berlin's final game in orange and blue. Soon, he would announce his plans to transfer, with Miami and Texas Tech atop his list of potential destinations.

Berlin leaves. Berlin stays. Grossman turns pro. Grossman transfers. Or maybe they both say to heck with it, skip town and leave redshirt freshman Ingle Martin to start next season.

Everything is back on the table now that Florida football has turned into the most dysfunctional family this side of the Royal Tenenbaums.

"Everybody's worried about this guy's dad and mom and this guy's dad and mom," Spurrier said. "Whenever you take one player out and another player comes in, somebody's happy and somebody's sad. ... As a coach, you have to do what you think is fair and what's best for the team."

Here's a prediction: Don't be surprised if Berlin comes out and lights up the scoreboard while Grossman stews on the sideline for four quarters. Nor should you be surprised if Spurrier uses this turnabout to proclaim the quarterback position up for grabs once more, just like the old days.

What better way to keep Berlin from transferring to the hated Hurricanes? (Who, by the way, return to Florida's schedule next season.) What better way to knock Grossman and his meddling father down a peg or two?

Privately, behind the public indignation, you know Spurrier has to be loving this. For starters he gets to paint himself as a stern disciplinarian, the rare coach who puts a life lesson ahead of an on-field result.

Better still, this meaningless game could enable him to keep both quarterbacking prodigies under his control for another year when it looked virtually certain that depth would be cut in half.

"Brock and Rex, sometimes in practice you can't tell the difference who's out there," Spurrier said. "Brock Berlin has been to every offseason workout he's supposed to be [at] for two years, been on time to every meeting, been at practice every day. If there's any kid that deserves a chance to see what he can do, it's Brock Berlin."

Spurrier loves Berlin. Has ever since he landed him as the nation's top recruit out of Shreveport, La., where Berlin went 45-0 and broke all of Josh Booty's records at Evangel Christian High.

Berlin was supposed to be the rightful heir to the Gators' Heisman lineage, a family tree that ran from Spurrier in the '60s to Danny Wuerffel in the '90s. All three are preacher's sons, you know.

Grossman? He was never supposed to be this good, but the kid kept coming, wouldn't take no for an answer and eventually pushed both Jesse Palmer and Berlin aside. But all along, there have been warts just below the surface.

While Berlin is a Bible-toting teetotaler with a 3.5 GPA, Grossman is said to like the nightlife as much as he detests the classroom. Grossman, in fact, missed the first week of spring drills last year because of an academic suspension. He's a little too outspoken for his coach's taste as well.

Now Grossman has messed up again, his father's comments only compounded the error, and conspiracy theorists are having a field day.