April 2008

I'm posting this list because this is a question I hear all the time, and people seem to want something they can print out and bring with them when they visit. And hey, who am I to say no? I have the info. If you already live here and don't care about this kind of thing, maybe you should go back and revisit some other hilarious lists, like the ever-popular Bad Halloween Candy post from 2006.

You’re planning a trip to Los Angeles—maybe for the weather (almost always nice), the food (plentiful and delicious), or the shopping (don’t even get me started). Thinking it might be nice to see some celebrities in their natural habitats, but don’t know where to go? Don’t bother with the Hollywood Walk of Fame, Mann’s Chinese Theater, or Star Tours, unless what you want is to see other tourists. Not that those places aren’t fun—they are! But they’re not the place to see Toby Maguire, if that’s what you’re after.

Here’s the deal—if you’re planning a trip to Los Angeles, you want to maximize your time hanging out in places where celebrities actually go.

First, though, a few rough guidelines:

1. Hide the camera. You want to actually see the celebrities, not have them run away from you. Having a camera around your neck will make them think you’re a paparazzo (or worse, a TOURIST!), which is the quickest method to get them to walk (or run) the other way.

2. Don’t acknowledge them. There is a little game we like to play in Los Angeles and New York—it’s called “ignore the celebrity.” You are too cool to talk to them, anyway! If you catch Mel Gibson’s eye, feel free to smile and nod, but definitely don’t ask for an autograph. That is the surest way to get booted out of a place like The Ivy.

3. Dress casually. Most of these places are “errand running” or “casual eating,” so if you’re wearing your finest attire, you’re probably going to stick out like a sore thumb. Also, you might be doing a lot of waiting and/ or walking, and you don’t want to have on uncomfortable shoes.

Now that we’ve done the rules, here’s the list of the best places in Los Angeles to see celebrities in their natural habitats. Hands and arms inside the vehicle at all times!

1. Your first stop should really be Robertson Boulevard, especially the 100 – 200 blocks (North and South). In a few short blocks, you can find stores like Kitson, Lisa Kline, Madison, Tory Burch, Ghost, Intermix, and Diavolina, and restaurants like The Ivy, Newsroom Café, and Michael Richard Patisserie. Oh, and about 100 paparazzi, and whoever they’re chasing at the moment. Spotted here (a mere sampling, not a complete list): Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Tori Spelling, Paris Hilton, Halle Berry, Lauren Conrad, Jessica Alba and many, many more. Make a day of it! If you must take celebrity photos, Robertson is probably the best place to do it, since they’re already being snapped by the paparazzi. What’s one more camera phone?

Slightly further up the road in West Hollywood (a key city for celeb-spotting), you’ll find eateries King’s Road Café and Toast, the next two on the list.

3. Toast Café, at 8221 W Third St. is also an excellent brunch choice, and is absolutely crawling with celebrities, especially at lunchtime on weekdays. Great salad and sandwiches, and they also make a really good cupcake (though don’t expect to catch any starlets eating one). Spotted: Eva Longoria and Tony Parker, Nicky Hilton, Katie Holmes, Kelis & Nas.

4. The Chateau Marmont, at 8221 Sunset Blvd, is probably the place where you’re most guaranteed to see at least one celebrity. Hang out on the patio (be sure to order something so you don’t look like you’re just there for the stars). Spotted: everyone!

5. Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf, at Sunset/ Fairfax Plaza. Celebrity blogger Perez Hilton made a name for himself sitting at this very location every day, and although he works from an undisclosed location now, he can still be seen here occasionally, as well as everyone else who’s “trying to avoid the paparazzi.” Spotted: Lindsay Lohan, Miley Cyrus, Paris Hilton, Carmen Electra, Vanessa Hudgens, too many others to list.

Note: if you're going to do all (or any) of these things, the hotels in that area that I would recommend are as follows: The London West Hollywood, The Four Seasons (if you're splurging), and Le Parc Suite. I am also a big fan of the Sofitel, which is right across from the Beverly Center and gives you good access to La Cienega in case you have to go right back to the aiport. Please try to stay away from hotels in Hollywood itself.

The quiet town of Santa Monica is also a good place to spot celebrities doing their thing. I love the Oceana Hotel, which is near the beach without being obnoxiously close to the pier or too touristy, and I actually really like the Best Western Gateway Hotel (make sure you ask for a room in the back, NOT on Santa Monica Blvd), or the LA Sky Boutique Hotel, which is not actually in Santa Monica, but gives you way better freeway access in case you are trying to do something in another part of town and don't want to have to drive all the way west every day. If you will take my advice (and I'm not trying to smack-talk anyone here, but I do want you to be safe when you travel), I would avoid any hotel or tourist destination south of Pico, because then you're in Venice, and Venice is one of those places that you need to know really well in order to stay safe and comfortable. Not that you can't GO to Venice-- I just wouldn't recommend booking a hotel there sight-unseen.

Back to Santa Monica! While you're there, here are some things you'll want to check out (in addition to the Santa Monica Pier, of course, but I would only recommend a short outing there).

6. Whole Foods. If you need groceries while you’re in Los Angeles, you might want to get them at the Whole Foods on Wilshire and 18th in Santa Monica. They have a great selection, and you can maybe also see Meg Ryan, Benjamin Bratt and Talisa Soto, and the guy from Napoleon Dynamite. I’m just saying.

7. The Viceroy Hotel, at 1819 Ocean Avenue, has a pool in the back where you can order a club sandwich and hang out. They also have a good bar and some amazing architecture and interior design. Remember the Viceroy from Christopher’s trip to Los Angeles on the Sopranos? Spotted: Kardashian family, Owen Wilson, Katherine McPhee, Orlando Bloom, Mila Kunis. Do I think you should spring for a room? Yes I do.

I would be remiss if I didn’t also mention Brentwood, where celebrities can also be seen doing “Stars Are Just Like Us!” things like shopping and getting coffee. If you want to go up in that direction, there is really no good hotel until you get to Westwood, so I think I would recommend just staying at the Oceana and driving (or taking a long, long walk) up San Vicente.

8. The Brentwood Country Mart, at 225 26th Street, is a group of family-friendly stores where moms like Jennifer Garner, Brooke Shields, Marcia Cross, Kate Beckinsale, and Naomi Watts can often be seen. Incidentally, the BCW also has a rotisserie chicken place called “Reddi Chic” that makes the best chicken and fries basket in the area.

9. Didn’t get enough celebs at the Brentwood Country Mart? Head up San Vicente to Bundy and sit at the Starbucks for awhile. Spotted: Diane Keaton, Reese Witherspoon, Owen Wilson, Naomi Watts, Jim Belushi, Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck, Fergie. If you're in that area, you can usually find a celebrity or two working out on or near the Santa Monica Stairs. The stairs are free and they are a kick-ass workout (literally).

If it’s Old Hollywood you’re after, head up the road a bit to Malibu, where you can almost always find a celebrity or two in one of the following places:

10. Malibu Country Mart, at 3835 Cross Creek Road, known as the “center of Malibu,” has hosted everyone from Steven Spielberg to Mel Gibson, Ali McGraw to Pamela Anderson, Courtney Cox and David Arquette to the entire Baldwin Family. If that’s not enough, they even have a Ben & Jerry’s.

11. Geoffrey's of Malibu, 27400 Pacific Coast Highway. I like Geoffrey's because they have good food, and because you will absolutely not believe the angle of the restaurant's driveway. Please linger a little longer in the valet line so you can observe the absolute ninja-like skills of the valet parking guys, who are parking Bentleys and Ferraris at crazy angles and not sweating it at all. I would recommend Geoffrey's over Gladstone's because it's less touristy, and because you can walk a little on the beach after brunch.

Note: Malibu is kind of a hike, and there is only PCH to get you in and out. If you love it and want to make a weekend out of just Malibu, I would recommend the Malibu Beach Inn. This is also a good place for you to stay if you are visiting Pepperdine University.

In case you don’t know this interesting tidbit about me, I use walking as my primary form of exercise and “thinking time,” to the tune of about 2 hours of walking per day (yes, per day). I’ve always done this, and I really count it as one of the most enjoyable parts of the day--- in addition to killing multiple birds with one stone (exercise, contemplation, walking the dog, running errands), I also listen to a lot of books on tape, AND I end up coming up with themes for this blog, like this one, which was compiled over a series of days in which I kept randomly looking up and noticing these hilariously-worded signs.

This first one I like because it’s so vehement, but in ways that are maybe only known to the person who made it. This hangs in the window of the ham store on Wilshire--- the ham store that has a line around the block on Easter and Christmas, but like, one or two people in it the rest of the year, so I always wonder exactly how they’re making their rent. Apparently it’s not by making specialty ham sandwiches, as evidenced by this gem of hand-made signage:

This sign was clearly made by someone who’d had ENOUGH of people asking for deals on roast beef sandwiches and turkey sandwiches at the ham store. They sell HAM, ok? Get it straight!

I also really like this one, which is less of an instructional sign and more of an existential consideration: you MAY park here, or you might not. It’s really up to you. You might also want to park in the E*Trade parking lot, because it has valet.

This one caught my eye as I walked by and watched a lady try to get in when the bank was closed, then stand there and stare at the sign for a full minute, as if the time-space continuum of the bank’s hours were lost on her. Or maybe she noticed that the bank is open the same hours Monday – Thursday, AND Friday, so maybe, like me, she was wondering why Friday needs its own separate line on the door.

I noticed this sign on Friday night while stopping by for a cheap hot fudge sundae (because I’m nine):

Now, granted, this sign appears in what we’ve termed the “Most Depressing and Hopeless McDonald’s in West L.A.” mostly because it’s almost all outdoors, and is filled with homeless people in various stages of losing their minds and/ or eating fried food. But, they have an outdoor service window and you can walk right up with the dog, so that’s why we do there. I do think it’s interesting, though, that this “No Panhandeling/ Loitering/ Trespassing” Sign is done up in “McDonald’s” branded typeface, and that it has the little McDonald’s M on it so you know where you are. You can almost hear the “I’m lovin’ it” themesong, only applied to each of these: “Da da da a DA…No trespassing!”

And finally, I really like this meta-sign, which is right next to a
sign advertising flan. You see, they have the flan sign out, but they
don't have the actual FLAN yet, so-- sorry! Or, are they sorry that
it's coming soon? We may never know. Logic would tell ME to just keep
the flan sign behind the counter until the actual flan is available,
but this works too.

***Because Stephan and I watch Jeopardy! every night (keep
your comments to yourself), I just noticed that our Tivo keeps suggesting
things like “Matlock” and “Perry Mason.” Does my Tivo think I’m 75 years old? Damn!

***After a blissful 11 day break, I got my editorial notes
for Hollywood Car Wash, so now I have to start rewriting again. If you
already read that book, watch out! There
is so much backstory coming in the new version, you’re not going to believe it!

You're certainly going to want to buy it again when it comes out next year.....

***On the continued subject of the “War Against Junk Mail,”
Rachel sent me this awesome site, and right now they’re totally getting me out
of catalog hell. www.greendimes.org. Who knew?

***The newest book has made it through SIX readers, and now
I’m just waiting to hear who is going to take the series. Yay! I’ll
have news on that soon.

***I’m working on a magazine article about disgruntled Stay
at Home Moms, so if you know any of those, send them my way, ok?

We're back from the lovely mountains of Big Bear-- actually we were back on Sunday, but then we were tired, and putting our notes together, so no bloggage yesterday, and today---PODCAST!

This week's podcast includes: our trip to Big Bear and how we turned into old people, Canterbury's Law with Julianna Marguiles, the World's Strongest Man competition, how Bringing Home Baby is the most frightening show on television, how Stephan read a piece of copy that called for a "Gilbert Godfried type," and how one celebrity allegedly has abnormally large testicles.

Today is New York City's annual "Poem in Your Pocket" Day, in which New Yorkers carry around a favorite poem to share with friends. Even Mayor Bloomberg wrote a poem! Unfortunately I'm not in New York at the moment, but I figured this blog was the rough equivalent of my pocket, and so I've created some haikus, just for the occasion.

Pocket full of wordsUnironic form of speechI will play along

This reminded me of grad school, when I used to sit in philosophy class and dream of ways to make the concepts more amusing. Sometimes I drew cartoons of, say, Noam Chomsky vs. Jacques Derrida in an epic battle of intentional obfuscation, and I can't BELIEVE that no one ever made trading cards out of these ideas. Sometimes, I wrote haikus, none of which I could find today, but this inspired me to re-visit the themes and write some new ones,. I think they're funny, but they're really only going to make three people who read this blog laugh. And if you're one of those three people, hold on to your hat!

Heidegger on lifeHermeneutics facticalHistoricity

Derrida's problemStructure has a genesisAlready structured

Structure sign and playChain of determinationWhere is the centre

Ah, I could amuse myself like this all day, which is probably why I only did the Master's degree and not the PhD. Also, this reminded me of one of my favorite sites, which is totally dedicated to Haikus about SPAM (the lunchmeat, not the unwanted email. The SPAM-ku archive lives here, and you can even submit one of your own. Please feel free to post your favorite poetry (or write some of your own) in the comments!

Remember when I started the war against junk mail, during the never-ending rewrite? Yeah, that's still going, and here's another reason why. My paper shredder, which usually looks like this:

Yikes! Part of the reason why it gets this full is my own fault; I feel it is my responsibility to shred every piece of paper that even remotely has my name on it, and I will keep putting paper in it long past the point where it makes that slow, grinding noise that indicates you should really, really stop.

There's also laziness-- the office is upstairs, the vaccuum is downstairs, blah blah, blah, and so I will seriously keep stuffing papers into it until smoke comes out, and suddenly it looks like it went to a paper shredder frat party and did one too many keg stands.

Oh boy. This requires a large Hefty bag and a once-over with the vaccuum. So, it's love and hate-- I looooove shredding, but hate cleaning it up. Also, I'm contributing to global warming (I think).

So, this is the reason I started calling up companies and asking them to stop soliciting me, but now I have a totally different conundrum-- if I don't get any junk mail at all, I will never again see hilarious attempts at marketing like this one, which arrived yesterday:

This is a fake "boarding pass" sent to Stephan by some company, to try to entice him to use their services. Notice how it says Destination: Somewhere Wonderful, and Departure: The Sooner the Better.

Really, I don't even know where to start with this. First of all, they're sending Stephan a ticket to "Somewhere Wonderful," but they're not putting him in First Class? Um, who sits in coach in a fantasy??? They're offering him a "Domestic Flight," meaning, of course, that he's not even allowed to CONSIDER Europe as a vacation spot, because they don't have a partner airline that goes to Europe? Also, I think it's hilarious that this "ticket" is so old school-- like, are they trying to entice him to go somewhere in the Seventies? Does their airline also travel back in time? Finally, why did they only send one? Did they think he was going to go "Somewhere Wonderful" by himself, and if so, why didn't they offer to get him a date? So wrong, and yet-- so funny.

OK, we were so busy this weekend, we just got to the podcast. But oh, it was well worth the wait, and now it's here to entertain you on tax day! Included in this week's edition-- why it's too hard to go green, how our dog is embarrassing us right now, how Stephan is trying to be more Zen in everyday life, marriage landmines, the aforementioned Brentwood Street Fair, pygmy goats and giraffes with messed-up necks, and much, much more!

Here are some photos, to entertain you while you listen.

Stephan demonstrates the "finger tazer," from his story about how his dad used to get really mad and point at him.

Here's a real photo of that giraffe with the bent neck at the Santa Barbara Zoo.

And here, once again, is the world's stupidest kangaroo, who can't figure out how to hop out of the pen with the open top.

Over the weekend I was in line in back of a guy in Starbucks, and I started eavesdropping on his conversation with the barista. Now, I say “guy” because I didn’t recognize him, or maybe I just wasn’t paying good enough attention. Did I mention I was in line buying coffee, and that without coffee, my brain can’t be held accountable?

My brain snapped to attention, though, when the guy said these words: “I need my latte to go…. I wrote a famous book, and now I can’t stand the attention.”

This is the part where I took my sunglasses off so I could see if he was serious. But, come on—the very statement “ I wrote a famous book” pretty much guarantees the fact that you did NOT write a famous book, right? And, besides, even if you wrote a famous book, are you really so recognizable that you can’t sit in Starbucks in Brentwood? Really? Because Usher can sit there, and so can Diane Keaton. Not that they wrote famous books, but you get my point.

Anyhow, Famous Book Guy wasn’t done, and now I’m starting to think he wrote a famous book—inside his own mind. You know what I mean?

“Usually my female fans are the most aggressive,” Famous Book Guy says. Barista Woman nods in a deadpan way. I’m sure she sees this kind of thing so much, SHE could write a famous book.

Ok, then Famous Book Guy got his decaf whatever latte, but instead of leaving like he said he said he’d need to because of the book-buying mob that was right around the corner, he SAT IN FRONT OF STARBUCKS, outside, where people could see him and such. Now I’m curious, only you know I’m not going to give him the satisfaction of approaching him and asking him what his deal is, thereby validating his “I wrote a famous book” fantasy.

Finally, the barista came out for a cigarette break while I was still sitting there, so I was like “hey, what book did that guy write?—the one who said he wrote a famous book?”

And she goes—

“Nah, girl, he crazy! He ain’t write no book. He’s crazy or something, but clean crazy, you know? Takes a shower and keeps the crazy under control, but comes in every day with a different story.”

Still not ruling out the fact that he actually did write a famous book, but I just think it’s funny that the Starbucks woman was so totally over him, no matter who he was.

Oh, also? That new Pike Place roast Starbucks introduces as their daily brew? Delicious!

Links Worth Liking

Chelsea Skin & LaserMy friend and dermatologist, Dr. Michael Eidelman. If you live in or around NYC, I highly recommend him!

http://getcreativeinc.comYep, it's my company. Go over there if you want to get some insights about websites / SEO, or if you need some ninja SEO services for yourself or your business. We have offices in NYC, LA, and Seattle.