That's right, this shizz actually happens...

Monday, 1 November 2010

To the dissapointment of myself and several others there was no halloween party this year (that I was invited to) so I was stuck at home.....and this is where it starts to go downhill. To my detriment, I don't listen to much of what my parents tell me so you can imagine my surprise when I arose from my Jivamukti yoga routine to find 15 hyper 10-year-olds eating all the food in my fridge, popping ballons and chasing my cat with a polystyrene pole labelled 'demon stick' all looking like the cast of Fragle Rock. Turns out, it was a halloween party. So I thought I'd better make myself scarce, right after I treat myslef to some of mum's legendary tesco value sausage rolls.......famous last words. The kids were wrapping each other up in toilet paper, I was hoping this meant we were gonna ship them off, but it was another one of dad's ingenious party games. Along with melon bobbing and pin the leg on the centipede. So I was at the food table, contemplating a cheese-and-pinapple-on-a-stick with I heard this sinister looking, egg shaped headed child, who can only be described as a cross between Eric Pickles and Chucky, shout 'GET HIM!!'. I was cornered, and armed only with a slightly cheesey cocktail stick was left in a battle of wits against a swarm of toilet paper wielding kids, whilst most other 17 year olds were out getting shit faced...F.M.L

Tuesday, 26 October 2010

I was once bitten on the right nipple by a mosquito.......dirty little perv, I mean really, of all the places to suck up some of them good ol' juices, why the nipple? And this is what inspired me to start writing, I really want to delve deep into some of the yet un-fathemed mysteries that face us, well, me, on a day-to-day basis. to unfold the brown parchment paper package that is the truth, the one jammed in the letter box, covered in duct tape and bits of string that takes about half and hour to open, only to find, it's been sent to the wrong address. To peel the Clementine that is reality, squeeze out the citrusy self-righteous juices and slurp them up, pips and all, allowing them to tantalize my taste buds before slithering down my throat. And to suck long and hard at the lollipop that is life, until it's mostly all gone but there's still a little bit left so you just pull it off and crunch it. And it's when I'm sucking, peeling and unfolding that I feel truly.........happy............mid-suck, I feel invigorated.....it's my purpose, it's what I was meant to do. Take my hand and let's skip down the highway of enlightenment.......I won't touch you......I promise ;)