Monday, February 9, 2015

Everybody has their own past. Some past worth to be rewound while some felt like they should be deleted. Same goes with mine. Some past makes me really feel like deleting them from my memory while some past keeps rewinding in my head. Though there were good and bad memories, I have never regretted any of them. Why? Because they taught me lessons in life. I learned a lot from those bittersweet memories. Truthfully, I am not a person that regret easily. For me everything has its own purpose. They were there for reasons we might not be able to explain. I believe that in the end it will reveal its purpose for being right where it is. But not one thing. This very thing was the only thing that I have the most regret in life. Well, the only regret, I believe. That is; to walk away from my relationship with Yuan. I should have fought for us. I should have stayed.

I have tried my very best to put this behind me since the day we both decided to walk away from our relationship. Until last two nights - when I was asked, "will you be with him again if he asks you to be with him now?" Pheww! That was a killing question! What am I supposed to answer? How am I supposed to answer to that? Like, seriously. After the breakup, I was lost. Twice suicide attempt. Sat in front of the TV, cried all by myself. Drank beer alone. Stayed home. I even stupidly accepted a stranger's proposal. Because at that time, for me, my life has ended. That was it. Up until today, my heart still beats faster just by hearing his name. Or looking at his back. Or when I hear his voice. Though we only knew each other for five years and got together for just a couple of years, it was enough for a common girl like me. So what answer am I supposed to give to that question? Will I be with him again if he asks me to be with him now?

Today, I re-read his blog. The last post in his blog was last year July, a very brief post about a quote by a famous Malaysian Ustaz, "Berhati-hati memilih hati seseorang. Jangan sampai mencintai seseorang yang akhirnya akan melukai hati kita. (be careful in looking for somebody to love, do not love somebody that will one day hurt you.)". Maybe that was the moment he has finally moved on and found somebody to love. Reading his old posts hurts me a lot. I have hurt him so much that I will never get back together with him. He is a great man and he deserves someone who would not hurt him as much as I did. So do you have your answer now? You see, love is not all about having that someone. It means that you care about that person's happiness more than your own. If they are happier without you, why stay? Let them go.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

It's been long since I last blogged. Wow. And this is my first post in 2015. See, I rarely use my netbook if I am not in college studying or in school teaching. Without my ntbook, I won't be able to write any post. Using my iPhone is just not satisfying for me. Ahahaha

Anyway, last year, my life was just a total mess. Especially when my brother-in-law passed away. To be honest, he was the closest to me to compare to my other brother-in-laws. He made jokes a lot. He laughed a lot. He gave lots and lots of advice to me. It's like when I said I was going back, he will plan to party with our friends. We were friends even before he got to know my sister. So once he passed away, our whole family became lost. Such a huge impact. The loss was extremely difficult to be accepted. Imagine my sister. They were together since she was 15 and now she's 25. They were married for two years and their baby was just 3 months, the day he left - 30th of Nov 2014. Last Christmas was the first Christmas that all of us actually celebrated at home together. Trying our best to give support to each other, especially to my sister. I couldn't even handle a breakup. I just can't imagine if I was the one who were standing in her shoes at this very moment.

Too be honest, after my bro-in-law passed away, I somehow felt more alive than ever. It's like I'm living for the very first time in life. I appreciate life more and worry less (I don't know how long this will last) but everyday looks so beautiful now. Whatever I feel like doing, I'll just do it right at that moment. Why? Because there is no promise for tomorrow. I don't even know whether I'll be able to open my eyes tomorrow. Well every cloud has a silver lining, ey?