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Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Hide and Seek

So, Viva, our two-year-old, has a hilarious and also terrifying habit.

She has decided that there is very little in this world more entertaining than hiding from us.

The thing I don't get though is how sometimes she's so amazing at it, and other times her hiding spot consists of hiding her face under a bean bag in the middle of the living room with the entire rest of her body exposed.

I'm closing my eyes. They'll NEVER find me or my mess now.

This disparity is problematic. Clearly, she doesn't understand the difference between hiding her head like an ostrich, and then the next time wedging herself into a small crevice behind the washer for thirty minutes while we get more and more worried calling her name over and over and hoping she hasn't died.

Whenever we find her on the days she chooses a Houdini like hiding spot, we're totally frazzled and having visions of kidnappings and wells and car trunks and freezers, and she usually just looks up at us smiling a smile that says "why on earth did it take you guys so long to find me this time??? You found me immediately yesterday when I closed my eyes in the kitchen to hide from you."

Mark my words, there will be a day we call the police over to try to find her.

And then we will locate her in the middle of her bedroom floor almost fully exposed. And wife will look at me and say "I thought you looked in here!" and I will look down sheepishly and say "I... forgot" and she will say "What do you mean you FORGOT? It's what we've been doing for the last 30 minutes, and the only reason you came upstairs, and because you didn't do it, we just called the police" and I'll be like "Listen, on my way up the stairs it became imperative that I get online and check my old grad-school email account to make sure nobody had been trying to contact today. Can I help that something as important as that distracted me from looking into the bedroom for our child who went missing?"

And then Wife will punch me in the face. Except no she won't. But I might punch myself in the face for her.

I'm charitable like that.

And now, the Weed Wednesday Wrap Up:

It's been a while since I've wrapped up. Let's get rolling.

1. Remember this post where I gave a bunch of random tidbits of information about myself wondering if you could guess the lie? Well, I forgot (SHOCKER) to update with the answer, so I'll do that now. But first let me explain what the crap that was. It was an entry for a writing contest thingie where we all do a post with specific requirements and then people judge them and the last time I did it I won so I was excited to do it again but do you know what happened? I posted it one minute late. And then it wasn't accepted.

Whoops.

So now I have a really random post about weird stuff using odd obscure words. But that's pretty much what this blog is anyway as it turns out so it's all a wash.

If you're curious, the fact that was a lie was #2. I'm horrible at directions. I'm even worse at landmarks.

Also, I really do play the violin and even had a music scholarship in college. I know it might sound surprising coming from a man who just published perhaps the most graphic expose on pooping one's pants ever written. But it's true. What can I say? I'm multifaceted: music scholarships and incontinence. Wife totally got the full package.

I remember how I used to remark, in a voice dripping with sarcasm, on how terrible it was for parents to keep their children, like dogs, on leashes. Then I had children, and a heart attack, before I ran out and bought a leash.Parenting is probably your best bet for a good, comprehensive education. At least it's not any more expensive and there is no danger of "forgetting" what you learn.

1) My parents almost called the police to find me one time... as it turns out, I'd fallen asleep in our dog's crate. Naturally. My mom was picking up the phone to dial when my dad found me in there, completely unconscious. What can I say? I wanted to snuggle with my dog, and then I fell asleep and she ran off. Typical.

2) The lie being about directions? Totally wouldn't have guessed... though I suspected the others were true, too. It was a tough call. Good to know you are just as terrible at directions as me. Let's hope we never get lost together somewhere.

3) Those videos are fantastic. I'm so glad you found them and introduced them into my life. :)

Are you new here?

Oh hi.

I am Josh Weed.

I am a gay, Mormon man who is married to a woman. I have four daughters, one of whom is not featured in the photo on the header of this blog because she wasn't born yet. When she's old enough to realize this she's gonna be pissed, but as of now she can't talk yet, so I'm rolling with it.

I am a Marriage and Family Therapist who is licensed through AAMFT (the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists), a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist trained through IITAP (the International Institute of Trauma and Addiction Professionals), and was named the Best Father Ever from TAOITMKTSTOITATST (The Association of I Told My Kids To Say That Or I'd Take Away Their Screen Time).

This website is my personal blog. I write serious posts and humorous/satirical posts. You'll probably very easily tell the difference, but if you're ever wondering, just ask. Sometimes as I write this blog, I might talk about therapy concepts. I might mention things that I've learned in my grad studies. I might share thoughts I'm having around things I'm reading, or ideas I hope will be helpful. When that happens, please know that I am offering my thoughts as a fellow human writing on his personal blog, and not as your personal therapist, or even as a professional giving professional advice. Grain of salt, is what I'm saying. Always consult (and pay for!) a professional's opinion when making therapeutic changes in your own life.

So yeah. That's how things go around here. Some days you'll get a post on a serious topic I happen to be thinking about. Other days you'll get a post about me crapping my pants on a morning run.

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...The weed stood in the severed heart."What are you doing there?" I asked.It lifted its head all dripping wet(with my own thoughts?)and answered then: "I grow," it said,"but to divide your heart again."