Children, as well as parents, should be shook up at seeing the sweet face of eight-year-old Martin Richard of Dorchester, Mass., who was one of the three people killed in the Boston Marathon bombings. Dr. Wendy Middlemiss, associate professor of educational psychology in the University of North Texas’ College of Education, shares thoughts on how to talk about that as well as the shock of so many heroic first responders and others who died in the explosions in West, Texas.

Martin Richard

How can we help children cope with the death of eight-year-old Martin Richard in the Boston Marathon bombings?
Death of any sort is very difficult for children…and the death of a child is very difficult and painful to consider for parents. With that, when a child dies in such a tragic and senseless way, the pain and fear and anxiety are very much present. To help our children through this, and to help ourselves through this, it can be important to share that sadness that something so tragic has happened. It is important to know that there isn’t much sense that can be made out of such an event, nor is it possible to assure that such things will never happen again. So, it is important not to say that they will not; but that this is just a small piece, an important piece, but small piece, of the conversation. So, after we talk about how sad and frightening this is [best to ask our children how it makes them feel and if they can't answer, tell them how it makes us feel in easy words, sad, mad at the young men who caused this pain...]. remember that this is just one piece of the conversation. The other piece is to talk about more concrete and controllable parts of the tragedy. The family will miss the boy so much, they will have friends and family to talk about how many fun times they had. They can share time and stories as they feel stronger. Talk about how much the boy enjoyed life and how loved he was by his parents and how he will always be loved by his parents. Talk about how to keep people from making bad decisions. Talk about how important it is to love and be with family and share laughs and learn together. Focus on the present and moving forward. We are all frightened and anxious, but we need to help children see that there is still safety. Talk about how this events are very unusual. Talk about the helpers there to keep us safe. Talk about how the men that did this are not going to be able to harm anyone else–that the police worked so hard to find them and keep them from doing any more harm. Then share that fear and help bring comfort.

Dr. Wendy Middlemiss

How should we talk to children children about now captured 19-year-old Dzhokhar Tsarnaev — who seemed to many of his friends like any other teen — being one of the suspects?
This may be more difficult for adults than for children. For a child, focus on how it is important to learn how to make good decisions, how to resolve problems without hurting anyone. Talk about how you and your child learn to do that together and how that helps to make sure everyone can disagree and make things better. Talk about how it is never okay to hurt someone and that the boys made a terrible decision—one that has cost so much for so many people. Then talk about learning to make good decisions. Ask them how it makes them feel that it was a teenager. Ask what they do in school to learn to solve problems.

What should we say about the many people who died in West, including firefighters and first responders children and adults look up to as our protectors?

It is good to focus on how strong these protectors are and how brave are they in protecting our community. It is good to focus on how their efforts in West kept so many more safe and how they were willing to fight the fire to safe others. Talk about being brave. Yes, they were strong and the blast too big for anyone to stop—but their strength led others to be safer.

How can we help our children find ways to help? Could helping might make them feel a little better or more in control?
Ask children how to keep things safe in their home; how to help solve problems at school; how to help others who have lost their homes or loved ones. Do they want to draw a picture, send a card, write a story; if older, collect funds for helping.

There’s a Mr. Rogers quote going around about how his mother told him that in the face of tragedy it’s important to look for the helpers. How can we help kids do that?
There is an image of a first responder carrying a terrified boy to safety in Boston on a cover of Time magazine. It’s important to point out that the helper was there… helping to bring him to a safe place. Point out how parents are helping kids who have lost homes; how neighbors are inviting people in and giving them meals and clothes. The beautiful thing in all we are seeing is that outpouring of helpers. …be a helper for your child and talk about that… tell your child how they are a helper to you…helping you see the beauty in the world.