Stop pulling on the lead you little poo poo. Stop barking at birds, and why the gently caress don't you get along with other dogs you loving retard! Plus you have lovely fur that's all thin and weird and I can hear all those loving farts coming out when you walk!!!

'Hope' is the thing with feathers, that perches in the soul, and sings the tune, without the words, and never stops--at all.

Dusty, YOU DUMB loving DOG.

Also, stop catching and eating mice that you then yak up in the middle of the freakin' night all over my hallway carpet. You KNOW by now that they make you sick, dipshit. And our neighbor rides his horse down the street like once a week, QUIT PANIC ATTACK BARKING AT IT LIKE IT'S AN ALIEN FROM MARS THAT'S COME TO EAT YOUR FACE OFF.

And if you chase that stupid skunk one more time I'm gonna let you catch it and wear it for a week, I swear.

Stop pulling on the lead you little poo poo. Stop barking at birds, and why the gently caress don't you get along with other dogs you loving retard! Plus you have lovely fur that's all thin and weird and I can hear all those loving farts coming out when you walk!!!

I cannot believe I just spent thirty minutes searching for my missing needle across the entire house, positive that I was going to be driving you to the emergency vet, only to discover that you couldn't even loving swallow it properly and it had lined up against your back molars perfectly. You are loving welcome, you lovely dog, and you should be EXTREMELY loving thankful that you didn't need surgery while I am unemployed.

I cannot believe I just spent thirty minutes searching for my missing needle across the entire house, positive that I was going to be driving you to the emergency vet, only to discover that you couldn't even loving swallow it properly and it had lined up against your back molars perfectly. You are loving welcome, you lovely dog, and you should be EXTREMELY loving thankful that you didn't need surgery while I am unemployed.

I cannot believe I just spent thirty minutes searching for my missing needle across the entire house, positive that I was going to be driving you to the emergency vet, only to discover that you couldn't even loving swallow it properly and it had lined up against your back molars perfectly. You are loving welcome, you lovely dog, and you should be EXTREMELY loving thankful that you didn't need surgery while I am unemployed.

Hurley, you are a complete idiot. Why do you insist on eating any and all poo poo you find?

You go out, find cat poo poo somewhere, eat it, puke it up in the house during the night for me to find before work in the morning, I clean it like a retard and then put the bag outside so it doesn't stink the house up....only to see you grab the bag, drag it down to the grass and tear it open, eating it again. The gently caress, dog, the gently caress!!! You do this ALL THE TIME and each time you puke it up. For real, stop eating poo poo, you gigantic tool.

Also stop destroying everything. You don't know how close my girlfriend/your owner came to giving you away when you ATE HER TABLET and destroyed her bed and ate her favourite shoes and hats as well as the kennel. Not to mention that time she got an apple iTV and you tried to eat that too within hours of her getting it!! You are lucky you are cute ya loving bastard.

I do not regret getting your balls chopped off. Not even a little. Hah.

This little jerk is soft, beautiful, and always making ridiculously cute poses, but he assumes any touch is an attempt to annoy him 90% of the time. Just accept a little pat on the head once in a while, you rear end in a top hat cat!

There is nothing I want to be. There is nothing I want to do.
I don't even have an image of what I want to be. I have nothing. All that exists is zero.

Grimey Drawer

Everybody who sees you online loves you and thinks you're just an adorable old curmudgeon cat, but they don't have to deal with your yowling at 7 am or when I decide to take a nap in the evening because you require someone to pet you while you drink from my trickling bathroom sink faucet. You are the loudest non-Siamese cat in the world. You won't even climb onto the couch with me for head-scratches, you insist on lying on the floor at the exact spot where my hand falls down to emphasize how much you own me. You are a tremendous jerk-cat, Reggie.

We adopted an apparently smart dog who had been hit by a car and required surgery. This was a year ago. She in the last week or so has figured out how to get out of the backyard. When she does, she walks ten feet from the front door to the dead center of the road and lies down.

This loving dog has the run of an entire city and chooses to lay down in the place that caused the worst trauma of her life. She hasn't been withdrawn or sad lately, no talk of suicidal ideation so I don't think she's trying to kill herself .
I just think she's a dumb old dog.

We adopted an apparently smart dog who had been hit by a car and required surgery. This was a year ago. She in the last week or so has figured out how to get out of the backyard. When she does, she walks ten feet from the front door to the dead center of the road and lies down.

This loving dog has the run of an entire city and chooses to lay down in the place that caused the worst trauma of her life. She hasn't been withdrawn or sad lately, no talk of suicidal ideation so I don't think she's trying to kill herself .
I just think she's a dumb old dog.

Goliath, Mr. Malamute, Spud Bud. What's your obsession with stuff that has to do with ears? No matter where I try to hide my ear plugs, you manage to rip apart whatever container they're in to eat them. Remember that time you found the plastic container of 100 ear plugs and you chewed it open and ate all but a few? You were making GBS threads ear plugs for a week. That's gross. We have to keep the bathroom door closed because you go through the trash and eat Q-Tips too.

Speaking of keeping doors closed, Pikkukoira, you have managed to nearly destroy our house with your god damned scratching. Why don't you use the scratching posts we got you? Why do you have to scratch doors and table legs all the time? We keep your nails trimmed, why isn't that good enough? We have had to resort to using baby gates to prevent you from scratching the wood, and it's a pain in the rear end and looks stupid.

Raspurrtin, you drive me insane. When we first saw you at the shelter I thought your raspy meow was super cute, but I had no clue that you do not shut the hell up. Ever. I wish I could have just one night of uninterrupted sleep. You don't need to be fed every two hours, you're probably like 25 years old, it's amazing you're still alive. You're the reason I need to wear ear plugs in the first place. I mean, just listen to this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_ngFpisQGs