Runner identity crisis

So last spring when I was all excited about running and racing, I signed up for a whole bunch of races this fall, and I was so excited to do all of them.

But then I struggled through my first round of training in the summer.

I did my best and wasn't planning to break any records at my first race of the fall -- a half marathon. I just wanted to have some fun with friends, which I did.

But then when I tried to bounce back and keep up my running for the rest of the races, my knee problems set in, and I found myself scratching race after race from my calendar.

Part of me is obviously sad and frustrated that I haven't been able to run, but a small part of me is also relieved to have an excuse to not run all these races.

My heart hasn't really been in running lately. I don't know why. I don't know if it's a phase, if it's running itself, or if it's just racing that I'm over. I used to live for distance running and registering for races and collecting an insane number of medals. But lately, I haven't been feeling it.

Sure there are a million ways I could "fix" this. Find friends to run with, mix things up, focus on shorter races, etc. etc.

But I don't know that it's a problem that needs fixing or if it's even something I want to fix.

I've been enjoying spin class and doing other things to get my fitness fix. But it's weird because running in many ways was and is such a huge part of my identity. (See, for example, the name of this blog.)

If I take running out of the equation, or step away from it for a little bit to focus on other things, then what?

Running used to bring me such joy. I loved it so much. But after a few years of battling injuries, a lot of that joy has slipped away. Now I just feel like I should be running because it's what I'm supposed to do. I mean after all, I'm that crazy runner girl who gets her kicks from amassing an insane number of miles. Right?

I haven't run a single mile in more than two weeks because of my knee, and honestly, I don't miss it that much. Or maybe it's that I don't miss being tied to a training plan or having some race looming over my head.

I'm not really sure. But I do know I like the feeling of not having to run all the time. I like doing other things right now, like spinning. But I don't think I want to step away from running for forever.

Maybe for now, I just need to let myself do the workouts I'm in the mood for, whether it be running or spin or yoga or whatever. And I definitely need to stop throwing money at race entry fees for races I end up not being able to run.

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About me

My name's Jess and I'm the writer/runner here at Jess Runs. This blog covers all aspects of running, health and fitness, including training, nutrition, motivation and making running fun. You can contact me at jess@jessruns.com.