To quote from an online summary of "The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense"

Quote:

It's important to realize that what makes these examples attacks is not
the words they contain. For English, more than half of the information
is not in the words but in the body language, including the intonation
of the voice. To recognize a verbal attack, you have to pay attention
to the intonation - the melody of the voice - that goes _with_ the
words. Any time you hear a lot of extra stresses and emphasis on words
or parts of words, you should be on the alert. THERE IS NO MORE
IMPORTANT CUE TO RECOGNIZING VERBAL ATTACKS THAN ABNORMAL STRESS
PATTERNS. The sentence, "Why do you eat so much junk food?" may be very
rude and unkind, but it's not a verbal attack. The attack that goes
with those words sounds like this: "WHY do you eat SO MUCH JUNK food?"

In dealing with verbal attack patterns, you have three rules to follow:

RULE ONE: Ignore the bait.
RULE TWO: Respond directly to a presupposition.
RULE THREE: No matter what else you do, say something that transmits
this message: "You're wasting your time trying that with me. I won't
play that game

All of those 7 things meet that thing about stresses, they could be sincere comments or questions from a good friend if said one way, but are really attacks if emphasized another way. Most of them leave the presupposition unsaid (which is roughly 'to make up for the fact that you are fat').

The responses in the article are OK, in that they play the game well -- returning their serve with a spin so to speak, by taking the bait and turning it around to a positive. Or you could indicate that you don't want to play the game by responding to the supposition, asking in a level sort of way "Why is that you think he's different from any other guy, just choosing to date a woman he's attracted to?" It is apt to make the conversation awkward pretty quickly anytime you respond to the presupposition of an attack rather than the bait, but sometimes that is totally worthwhile.

__________________Criticism is so often nothing more than the eye garrulously denouncing the shape of the peephole that gives access to hidden treasure.

To quote from an online summary of "The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense"

All of those 7 things meet that thing about stresses, they could be sincere comments or questions from a good friend if said one way, but are really attacks if emphasized another way. Most of them leave the presupposition unsaid (which is roughly 'to make up for the fact that you are fat').

The responses in the article are OK, in that they play the game well -- returning their serve with a spin so to speak, by taking the bait and turning it around to a positive. Or you could indicate that you don't want to play the game by responding to the supposition, asking in a level sort of way "Why is that you think he's different from any other guy, just choosing to date a woman he's attracted to?" It is apt to make the conversation awkward pretty quickly anytime you respond to the presupposition of an attack rather than the bait, but sometimes that is totally worthwhile.

I don’t think any of them are meant as an attack. The pictures behind each quote kind of make it seem that way. It’s more like someone is thinking out loud rather than filtering what they should say. They are passive aggressive. It’s a complement with a backhand. Like saying, “I love how you just wear anything.”

Usually I have heard them from acquaintances, rather than friends. These sort of comments are usually either met with silence or an awkward “Thanks.”

Showed the article to my girlfriend. She hasn’t heard any of them. But thinks people are way to surprised to find out we are a couple. Or at least far more than they should.

__________________
“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence is therefore not an act, but a habit.” Aristotle

I skimmed through the article at work and may need to give it a second look. I've found with the fat girl/fit guy combo people tend to be either openly nasty, hide their contempt, or may actually be accepting. I haven't experienced the sort of cluelessness or passive aggressiveness the writer describes and as far as I know my wife hasn't either.

On the other side of this coin is the patronizing "compliment" I sometimes get when I share my preference for bigger girls: "You see what's inside as beautiful." While true, it's not like that's all there is to it. It's not like I'm some pure minded hero to fat girls everywhere who "looks past their appearance" and sees the beauty of their character. No, I'm a guy who is visually motivated like most guys are. And I happen to like the way fat girls look. I don't deserve any props for liking fat girls or having a fat wife. I'm a regular guy who, like any guy anywhere, wants to have a beautiful partner. In my case I do. It just happens she's above the mainstream ideal weight for a woman. Why do people assume I'm some great guy for being happy with a fat wife? Do they not understand that is to me what a Cowboys cheerleader may be to another man?

I skimmed through the article at work and may need to give it a second look. I've found with the fat girl/fit guy combo people tend to be either openly nasty, hide their contempt, or may actually be accepting. I haven't experienced the sort of cluelessness or passive aggressiveness the writer describes and as far as I know my wife hasn't either.

On the other side of this coin is the patronizing "compliment" I sometimes get when I share my preference for bigger girls: "You see what's inside as beautiful." While true, it's not like that's all there is to it. It's not like I'm some pure minded hero to fat girls everywhere who "looks past their appearance" and sees the beauty of their character. No, I'm a guy who is visually motivated like most guys are. And I happen to like the way fat girls look. I don't deserve any props for liking fat girls or having a fat wife. I'm a regular guy who, like any guy anywhere, wants to have a beautiful partner. In my case I do. It just happens she's above the mainstream ideal weight for a woman. Why do people assume I'm some great guy for being happy with a fat wife? Do they not understand that is to me what a Cowboys cheerleader may be to another man?

It’s not really much of an article. I haven’t overheard, "You must make him laugh every day." Or "I'm glad to see he's actually happy... with you." The rest of them I have. I don’t care much about being outed as a FA, but I hate it when fat women receive these comments.

I just took the article of an example of how clueless people can be. The line of thought, all guys want skinny girls. Sees a guy with a fat woman, and assumes he would rather be with a thin woman but found something else that made up for it within her. It almost like thinking fat women with boyfriends possess some sort of magic that thin women don’t have.

__________________
“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence is therefore not an act, but a habit.” Aristotle

Very sad. I wish somebody who's studied psychology could tell me why some women do this.

*leans over to the mic* Petty envy. *walks away*

To get more psychological about it, it's a unique sort of frustration when someone "inferior" to them succeeds where they haven't succeeded. It defies their concept of what they viewed as their superior traits... in this case, thinness. Metaphorically, it's like the hare being angry the tortoise won a race he "should've" won.