According to the International Society of Aesthetic Plastic Surgery, the United States boast the most cosmetic surgery procedures in the world (3.3 million! Woooooooo!!!), because we are obviously the best at being #1. However, adjusted for population and Joan Rivers, it turns out that it's actually South Korea that features the most procedures per capita. Huh? America's not #1? THIS IS BULLSHIT.

Beauty is beheld differently in different countries, and this is reflected in the demands made on surgeons' scalpels. There are seven times more buttock operations in Brazil than the top-25 country average, and five times more vaginal rejuvenations. In Greece, penis enlargements are performed ten times more often than the average.

Ugh, America is waaaaaay behind. So come on, American ladies, we've got some catching up to do! Here, let me help (it is my patriotic duty):

- You're very very fat, you fat person! Get less fat using a terrifying vacuum-knife!
- Your boobs are too small and you should get bigger ones, unless they are too big, in which case you should have them ensmallened posthaste, you boob-monster!
- No one will marry you with round nose-holes!
- Your vagina is enormous. You are a sarlacc pit with legs. Timmy from Lassie fell in you and couldn't get out. Dogs never have to rescue their owners from Brazilian vaginas!
- Your mouth is too mouthy!
- Did you know that you would weigh 30-50 lbs less if you had only one leg? Think about it.
- You know who else had eyebrows made of hair? EVA BRAUN.
- Come on. Not being a centaur is so last season.