(UPDATE) Is my brother justified in is actions to our mom?

As you may remember, my brother was highly upset with the family because he said no one ever asks him to do anything like speak in front of crowds or give presentations when the occasion arises. A childhood friend of our past last week and my mom casually mentioned that if the family wanted someone to speak she was going to see if I could do it. I didn't have a problem doing it at all. He was a good friend of ours growing up. My brother went off on our mom for again, suggesting I do it instead of him. My brother has never spoken in front of a crowd before. Plus the fact that he had a slight stroke several years and he has a hard time putting his words together now.

Well, the family has asked me to speak at our friend's funeral and of course my brother is livid. Let me preface it with this. This was not our mother's decision to let me speak. The family specifically asked me to speak. My brother has been going off for about a week now saying that even if they asked him to speak he would turn them down. My brothers, sisters, and parents can't understand why he's so angry. He's never been a public speaker.

Several weeks ago we took a family vacation and every year we usually rent a big 15 passenger van to travel together. Our 82 year old dad has some mobility issues now and can't get up in to the van as easily as he use to. My brother was going todrive his SUV but he was having some issues with it. The check engine light was on or something so my mom asked if I'd drive mine so my dad can ride somewhat in comfort. Of course that infuriated my brother again. Now he's saying my parent's just didn't want to ride with him in his truck but opted to ride with me in mine.

Should I have turned down the speaking engagement to spare my brother's feelings or does he just need to grow up and accept things for the way they are?

@eWicked:
It has nothing to do with it but that was just fuel to his fire. I guess he's thinking my parents are favoring me over him. They should have still rode with him in a truck that was having issues to spare his feelings. Instead they opted to have me drive my SUV.

@wytchinghours:
It's not his occasion to just jump up and say anything. Most funerals don't have an open mic where anyone can just get up and speak. They designate a few people to say a few words. The funerals I've been to where they allow anyone to come up and speak there's usually a line of about 15 or 20 people who want to speak. Do you know how long it would take 15 people to all get up and speak?

@Flumoxed:
And honestly, I wasn't the keynote speaker either. The family had designated about 5 people who knew him throughout his life to get up and speak so we only spoke for a few minutes each. I didn't give a 30 minute speech. We were raised together as kids in the same neighborhood but as you say, people don't see my brother as a speaker because he's always shied away from those types of things. However, now that he's a deacon in his church he's never even spoke there. I guess the question is this, does he get mad at the pastor or other church members when they don't ask him to speak?

@mossgard:
That's the thing. He's not on any medication. He is going through his second divorce right not but the way he talks about his now estranged wife you would get the impression he's glad to be rid of her. I don't know what's going on with him. All I know is that he all of a sudden snapped when my mom made the comment. One of my other sisters spoke to him and she said he's just angry to be angry. What he's mad about isn't worth all this. Then he like to preface it with "I'm a deacon in my church" like that's suppose to mean he's gotta be asked first to speak at occasions like this. The title has gone to his head.

@Anonymous:
He may have had another mini-stroke that could be casuing his erratic behavior. He's stressed, he's angry, he's illogical claiming being a deacon has anything to do with anything..... his behavior is not normal for him.

Talk to his doctor. Strokes often casue problems similar to the grieving process... he could be angry about not being the man he was before the stroke. Talk to his doctor. That is your solution.

Your brother seems to be suffering both from low AND inflated self-esteem. That's not of your making and no matter what you do, he will be frustrated and angry with you.

Say he actually demands to speak at the wedding and is at a loss for words. Or everyone piles into his SUV, it breaks down on the road and everyone is miserable waiting for a tow truck and expensive repairs.

He'll blame his failings on you because you exist, basically. I don't think it would be at all beneficial to either of you for you to downgrade your own nature and being a good public speaker, etc. What's the point?

@Flumoxed:
The one thing about my family is this. We have always been a close family based on the actions of our parents. Yes, he had a small stroke several years ago but he has bounced back from that. No, he is typically not the one you think of when an occasion comes up and someone is asked to speak. He's never been an "out front" type of person. He's pulled that "deacon" card on several occasions in the past and we all have looked at him with "what does you being a deacon have to do with anything?" The title has gone to his head. We all have tried to talk to him but right now he's just angry. Angry for no reason. We didn't plan the funeral. We're just going on the wishes of the deceased family.

There are two things I would like to say that might help you and your family understand your brothers predicament and change better. He suffered a stroke even though it’s a minor one . His speech impediment indicates some brain damage from the stroke which is expected. Stroke often affect the frontal lobe which is the part in executive functioning. Look it up as it will help the family to understand your brother a lot better. In essence executive functioning controls our capacity for social interactions and the capacity to see other people’s perspective and of course many other things. I have not seen your brother so won’t know the full extent of his stroke but it is likely that his executive functioning has been impaired as part of the stroke. Which explains part of his behaviour and outburst towards the family. Further he may also suffer from depression as a result of a change in his functioning, life roles due to the stroke. Depression comes in many forms and anger towards others is one way how it manifests. If you want to help your brother be patient and perhaps not take it to heart what he’s doing. Show care and compassion letting him go off but take it lightly. Seek out to include him and maybe address his depression by getting him to see a counsellor or therapist.

I did not read Part 1 of the saga, and I am thrilled to have missed it. But based on the information above, your family must kinda bask in pettiness. This post is petty. Your insistence on not seeing why any of the pettiness would bother your brother is petty. Your mother stirring the pot of bitterness between her grown sons... you guessed it, PETTY! Because there would have been no way any of you superior minded family members could have reasoned a trip to the auto shop for a quick tune-up would have addressed the Check Engine light catastrophe.

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