Who was your first LOLcow? -

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Notorious Bum Driller

In highschool there was a writer name Seanbaby who had a segment on his website devoted to making fun of video game nerds called "Dear Nintendo, My Life is Goddamn Mess." The poster child was this guy

an autistic virgin manbaby who was obsessed with Mario (sound familiar?) named Mark Discordia.

At one point Seanbaby ended up getting in contact with him and they exchanged emails. It was fucking hilarious. During the course of the exchange he kept inflating his salary as a plumber and claiming that every night he did tons of drugs and fucked countless hot chicks.

He made outrageous claims like how his already huge dick had grown several inches from so many women pulling on it and he sent Seanbaby a pic of a gay pornstar claiming it was him that one of his supermodel girlfriends took on his luxury yacht. He was one of the biggest losers in the world but his life just kept getting more and more fantastic.

When CWC's ED page went up he immediately reminded me of an interactive Mark Discordia.

I had to get away from those anuses for a while.

Back when LiveJournal was all the rage, sometime around 2002, I found my first cow. Dude who called himself Mediacrat became absolutely obsessed with another eljayer called Jameth, who trolled Medicrat into lulzy and gibbering antics until he had to be temporarily institutionalized.

It all began in the early oughts when Mediacrat, power word Joshua Williams, met a dude named Andrewpants and fell into a short-lived relationship. They broke up, and when Medicrat said something stupid about homeless people, Andrewpants began to troll him under an alt. Andrewpants was involved in LJ Drama, the precursor to ED, and mercilessly mocked Mediacrat on the site, as did most of the site's users. This harassment sent Mediacrat into a full meltdown that lasted a couple of years.

Mediacrat was beside himself. Lolsuits and restraining orders were threatened, media outlets were sent numerous requests for interviews about the trolling, schools where trolls attended were contacted, an IP trap was set up and the IPs published, but to no avail. There was nothing online Mediacrat could do to get Andrewpants to cease with all the mockery. With no other options than to ignore it or get off LJ, in May of 2004 Medicrat made the very excellent decision to travel to San Francsico to find and confront Andrewpants. While on this totally sane and not at all frightening meltdown, Mediacrat called Jameth and told him that he needed Jameth to dox Andrewpants and if he didn't Mediacrat would have him arrested.

Jameth put all of the phone messages online and Mediacrat was the Jessi Slaughter dad of his time, spouting inanities that were "dun goofed" precursors. Mediacrat's reaction redefined meltdown, descending to spergy depths never before seen in the early days of social media. Mediacrat's godless endeavor in San Francisco did bear fruit when he found Jameth at a gay steel mill, dancing merrily one presumes. Mediacrat began to disrobe to fight Jameth, who laughed and carried on not giving a shit as he stirred the pot.

What's the next best possible decision for Mediacrat to make? Why, to go to Portland where the then-LJ-owners resided to demand that Andrewpants and Jameth just stop already.

Online and IRL sperging continued until Mediacrat's friends, becoming more and more alarmed by his erratic behaviors and paranoid claims of a vast conspiracy out to get him, hosted an intervention to convince Medicrat to go into a psych ward immediately. He was inpatient for several days but the first thing he did when released was to call Jameth. He wanted Jameth to know he was organizing a class action lawsuit against everybody who had ever laughed at him or somesuch.

Jameth was a strong and hearty faggot but even he got bored and petitioned for a temporary restraining against Mediacrat, who seemed to calm down. But not much later he sprang forth from the ashes and then burned to ash again before he could take flight with his lawsuits and threats. Eventually he left LiveJournal. No one knows what happened to him.

Jameth went on to become a notorious pain in the ass but he was amusing so no one shot him, not even when he would spend hours and hours filling up friends' pages with shock images that they would have to scroll through to find genuine content from saner friends or just unfriend him.

Late Night Delight

My first lolcow was probably Zeriara. I mentioned her in another thread, but the long and short of it is this:

She was the prime example of an edgelord shitposter, who'd go into fandoms and fuck them up with her self-inserts. When she wasn't doing that, she was drawing "edgy" art of her personal characters and screwing over people left and right (both figuratively and literally). So prominent she was back in the day, she became this boogeyman in some circles, with the belief that if you said her name, she'd show up ala Beetlejuice. Very unpleasant personality, and also a habitual liar about, well, everything. She also had this undercurrent of pedophilia to her, as evidenced with some of her Gorillaz and Hanson (yes, THAT Hanson) material. And she was extremely petty, drawing violent hate art of people she didn't like. Mind you, she was in her early 20's at the time this was all going down.

Zeriara was also notorious for scamming people out of money for commissions, so much so, she got banned from FurAffinity and also banned on DeviantArt for unrelated reasons. She also got into with with 4chan back in the day, too. So she was pretty much one of the proto-examples of a lolcow. ED pretty much has her well documented at this point, so if you can stomach ED, go read up on her. It's some pretty weird and surreal shit.

She lost a lot of her notoriety once Tumblr really started to take off, and by that point, she was eclipsed by even bigger lolcows and fell into obscurity. The only notable thing in recent years was getting in a fight with Pitbullady over Randall Boggs from 'Monsters Inc', though I don't know how that all ended (and truthfully, Pitbullady is a lolcow in her own right). Nowadays, she just keeps to her Tumblr and posts about the MCU and The Force Awakens. Yet even at the age of 30, she still dresses and acts like the edgelord she was when she was 19-20. Some things never change.

Butthurt about Buddyloids

Way back in the day there was a guy who called himself CivGeneral. He was just dumb, loud and hated. Not sure what happened to him but I hope he's done with talking about being in love with Star Wars EU characters.

JDR is a fucking psychopath. Her site in regards to transgender/sexual issues has been known to be inaccurate and has caused far more harm than good: I've heard stories of people who took the "test" that was on there, got SRS/hormones, and later realized they didn't have genuine gender dysphoria at all and regretted it. It's well documented elsewhere, though.

The MLP conversion bureau fic crap is nuts and only goes to show just how reprehensible and irredeemable JDR is as a person. Frankly, I'm surprised she doesn't have a thread on here already, but I think she's like Zeriara and Snapesnogger in that her lolcow prime was years ago and she's basically an ED footnote in internet infamy. Especially in comparison to people like ADF or the collective Rat King.

I got in...

JDR is a fucking psychopath. Her site in regards to transgender/sexual issues has been known to be inaccurate and has caused far more harm than good: I've heard stories of people who took the "test" that was on there, got SRS/hormones, and later realized they didn't have genuine gender dysphoria at all and regretted it. It's well documented elsewhere, though.

The MLP conversion bureau fic crap is nuts and only goes to show just how reprehensible and irredeemable JDR is as a person. Frankly, I'm surprised she doesn't have a thread on here already, but I think she's like Zeriara and Snapesnogger in that her lolcow prime was years ago and she's basically an ED footnote in internet infamy. Especially in comparison to people like ADF or the collective Rat King.

zarel can't code for shit

renee's literally a fresh lolcow out of the womb ready to be milked, she overreacts and has this shitty stubborn mindset where she thinks she's perfect every time.

her deviantart's actually filled to the brim with edgy undertale aus that have her horrible art style, she doesn't thrive to improve and often acts like as if since she's an adult, she automatically has authority over everyone else younger than her. her livestreams are incredibly boring, without any real value to them since her art style never progressed.

since her popularity's huge, renee's obtained a hivemind of a fanbase that'll attack anyone that goes against her and/or disagrees.

whenever drama occurs also, like any other lolcow, renee makes a journal every time it happens to redirect said fanbase to a targeted person to attack them without solving it herself and without any reason to do so. she's practically a female manchild who doesn't know how to react to critique either.

actually, she's done a raptor scream in a livestream once because her mom asked her to go out and walk the dogs.

she has an encyclopedia dramatica, however, i totally want her to have her own thread.

1/6 Inch Mousedick

CWC.
i've known of chris chan for a long ass time. it's been since around 08. i was not physically or mentally prepared for him. my interest in him grew around the early 2010 months. "no man could fuck up this badly", i thought to myself as i read the cwcki. i was not ready to see him in drag, to get locked up over a beef with sonic the hedgehog, to burn his house down with a keurig, among other things. i was amazed.

Kitten Enthusiast

My first cow was ForeverKailyn, but I actually had seen the infamous Julie video without context years prior to becoming aware of CWC's existence through Kai's ED page. My husband liked to watch videos he found funny on e-fukt, and he was forever telling me I needed to watch a particular video because it was so funny. That video was one of them. So when I realized that the video I had seen of a man fornicating with a sex doll named Julie was CWC, I was like, hey, I know that guy! I think what I said, exactly, was "Hey, it's 'Julay!'"

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The Kiwi Farms is about eccentric individuals and communities on the Internet.
We call them lolcows because they can be milked for amusement or laughs.
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