My abuse weaponized me against my body. Until my body won.

Bethany Brittain, a former board member of the CFFP, talks about how the physical and emotional abuse of her childhood affected her relationship with her body and, ultimately, her health.

When I was 13, I declared war on my body. It wasn’t hard to do. It was quite natural even. There were dysfunctional events and forces in my past that had groomed me for that moment. I had received physical discipline from the time I was 6 months old. My family had unhealthy standards for female “modesty.” Physical and emotional boundaries that were essential for mental health were nonexistent.

Meanwhile, outside of my household, I saw many visuals that defined for me what the “ideal” body looked like. Most transmitted a plastic look found in your average Barbie doll. My wobbles and bulges were proof that my body wasn’t anything near ideal.

It all got to be too much. And so I took the only option I thought I had: I decided my body was something to be despised and declared war.

Fast forward to 2014. At the age of 46, I came down with a chronic illness called Pemphigoid. It’s a disease in which the immune system rejects proteins in the skin. If left untreated, Pemphigoid is disfiguring.

I had painful blisters in my mouth that started small and became large and intrusive over time. A year later, I had blisters all over my body that itched insanely. I looked like I had rolled in poison oak. My life became centered around doctor appointments, oncology waiting rooms, and medications that come with a lengthy list of side effects.

The disease and the drugs were changing what my body could do. Activities like yoga and running were things I’d assumed I could always do. My yoga practice which I’d had for years was almost too painful to continue with. I was frustrated. I couldn’t do the poses very well. My arms and legs would contort with painful cramps and spasms. I kept trying hoping to get my body to do the yoga I loved. I had to stop running and start walking. Some days I talked myself off the couch, and other days there was no point. I felt too lethargic and my body was in too much pain. I was no where near the perfection I’d wanted at 13 years old.I was losing big time!

But there’s nothing like a moment of clenched teeth and shaking knees to help you find clarity about yourself and your life. A daily diet of prednisone does wonders for mind-bending clarity. (Prednisone is a drug that suppresses the immune system and inflammation and whose side effects include nausea, thinning skin, acne, and weight gain.) I was taking cancer drugs that caused nausea amongst other side effects. About a year into the disease, I began to worry about the risks these medications were posing to my body.

That’s when I realized that my body, which I had resigned to hate, was trying to tell me something. It was asking me to stop the war.

I was coming upon one of those choices about my body that many other women probably have had to, also. Whatever body I have, whatever shape it’s in, and whatever dozens of wobbly parts stick out, maybe it’s worth saving.

Yes, I turned. I began to care about body. I started making changes. I’ve become more patient with my body.

After doing this work, and receiving two infusions of the antibody Rituximab, the disease began showing signs of letting up. My body, my perceived enemy, even in its beleaguered state, had been fighting for me in ways I didn’t think possible.

Now during yoga, my legs bend into an Eagle pose, and I can almost fully plant my hands to the floor in a forward bend with straight knees. I’m still gentle as I slowly progress. Feeling my feet grounded into my yoga mat feels absolutely amazing. Hugging friends and loved ones—really feeling their bodies and mine—there are no words to convey that feeling. In my job, using my hands to bring stories to life as I design classroom training and curate collections of photography is worth getting up out of bed.

My body, having contracted a disease, made me stop and re-examine my body in ways I hadn’t wanted to. I feel disappointment at times, but more often, hope. I’m on a healthier path, a magical journey of knitting mind and body together as one. For that, I am grateful.

There are still those images of seemingly perfect women wearing things I’d like to wear and never will. I will never be mistaken for a swimsuit model. But I’m done with that battle. After 37 years of fighting, my focus is on progress, not defeat.

This is me.

There is always a clear bright day after every storm. A chance to look around without the mind-crushing side effects of Prednisone. The love and light that peak through the clouds beg the question, “How does it feel to be at peace?”

Wow. What a powerful story. Thank you so much for sharing this. I am so glad you listened to your body. And, I am so sorry you were subjected to so much trauma at such a young age, and also for so long.

There is a great book called: “The Body is Not an Apology” by Sonya Renee Taylor
#RadicalSelfLove

I do not wear clerical garb at all, because I see clericalism as one of the most prominent and important causes for this entire problem—the attitude that the clergy are somehow removed and above other Catholics and that we have to be protected at all costs.

—Rev. Thomas P. Doyle, canon lawyer and former papal ambassador

To love a child is to love life. To nurture a child is to express hope. Children do not exhaust our strength. They allow us to go beyond ourselves and to discover the power of our own creative talents. To be a mother or a father is more than a profession. It is more than a social calling. It is the fulfillment of one of our deepest needs—our need to touch the future and make it live.

—Rabbi Sherwin Wine

You are the people who permit your children and the children of your communities to go into these institutions of punishment. . . . .I wonder what God's judgment will be with reference to those who hold the deposit of faith and who fail in their God-given stewardship of little children."

—Father Edward Flanagan

Religious community leaders should support the elimination of harmful practices inflicted on children, including by publicly challenging problematic religious justifications for such practices whenever they occur. . . . While in many situations of violations the rights of the child and the rights of his or her parents may be affected in conjunction, it is not always the case. . . . The interests of parents and children are not necessarily identical, including in the area of freedom of religion or belief.

—Heiner Bielefeldt, Special Rapporteur, Special Procedures of the Human Rights Council, United Nations

I can only wonder how my life would have been different if there'd been a church around that had loved me for who God created me to be, instead of trying to change me from what it feared I represent.

—Benjamin, who wrote a journalist about his experiences being a a gay teen in his church