Urinal video games at Coca-Cola Park are outrageously sexist

At center is a new video game urinal in a men’s rest room at Coca-Cola… (DONNA FISHER, THE MORNING…)

March 28, 2013|Paul Carpenter

Where are the contingency fee lawyers now that we really need them?

Where are all the sex discrimination lawsuits against Coca-Cola Park and the Lehigh Valley IronPigs? Where is the outrage over yet another case of an accommodation for men that completely ignores the needs of women?

The ballpark, it was reported in The Morning Call on Wednesday, will have special video games that incorporate urinals in some of the restrooms. While watching a console above the urinal, a player can aim at sensors in the urinal and get points for hitting a target.

An example of one game, the story said, was "virtual action" downhill skiing with penguins representing targets at various locations on the hill.

I must digress here to protest the degrading treatment of penguins, which are lovable creatures, even if the images are only animations. I once had a bad experience in Canada involving urination. Baboons at a drive-through animal park climbed on my Volkswagen and found an opening in the sunroof. If Coca-Cola Park had a game featuring baboon targets instead of penguins, I'd buy a ticket just to try that.

Anyhow, it was reported that Coca-Cola Park will be the first sports arena to feature the video game urinals, and fans (guy fans, that is) will get their first chance to try them during an exhibition game on Tuesday.

"These games are sure to make a huge splash," IronPigs General Manager Kurt Landes said in a press release.

Wednesday's story said the ballpark has a way to help fans make it all the way through a 55-second urinal video game. Cokes and beer are sold in 32-ounce containers. (Does New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg know about this?)

The games were created by a British company, and salesman Ed Gundrum said there may be a game for women someday. I had a little trouble trying to picture how that will work, but no matter. It's too late. Women have been discriminated against, and the only remedy is Cousin Vinny.

We also need new laws to punish men who engage in such insensitive conduct. The penalty: a night with Lorena Bobbitt.

I bet Hollywood will soon be coming to Allentown to make a movie about all this, starring Tom Hanks, who has been filmed in several urination scenes. They included his remarkable uretic performance in a baseball movie, "A League of Their Own," which was, by the way, about the exploitation of women during World War II.

I identify more with Hanks' urination scenes in "The Green Mile," which involved a urinary tract ailment. I am delighted to report that my problem along those lines was fixed by a Lehigh Valley urologist, not by a gigantic falsely-convicted killer.

That brings up another point. Wednesday's story said the Coca-Cola Park urinals will feature advertising from Lehigh Valley Urology Specialty Care (not the same clinic that helped me, but they're neighbors).

I do have a disturbing confession. I have said heartless things concerning gender disputes. For example, when arguing with my wife over her support of politicians like Hillary Clinton, I said it's time to consider repeal of the 19th amendment.

Even worse, I have dismissed such conflicts by callously stating the obvious: Women are just jealous because they cannot write their initials in the snow.

That stems from my childhood in the Snow Belt south of Buffalo, where a boy's status during sledding outings depended on his ability to mark his territory. "PC" was a snap, and once I managed all three initials. I'd like to see a woman try that.

I am now steeped in political correctness, however, so I'm offended by the male chauvinist pig implications of the urinals at the ballpark. Legal action should be forthcoming. (Hey, the video game urinals must be more actionable than asbestos, uneven sidewalks or even Lehigh University's cruel practice of giving some students grades that are lower than they wanted.)

Speaking of legal action, it appears that Punxsutawney Phil is off the hook.

Mike Gmoser, a prosecutor in Ohio, had announced he was indicting Phil for erroneously predicting nice warm weather when the rodent emerged from his burrow on our annual Groundhog Day (Feb. 2), and did not see his shadow.

That is supposed to guarantee an early spring, but the weather remained wintry (not by Snow Belt standards, I can assure you) and Gmoser took action.

That threatened to defile a key cultural component of Pennsylvania, where Punxsutawney Phil has been forecasting the weather on "Grundsaudaag" every February since 1887, even though groundhogs typically live only two or three years (up to 14 years in captivity).

Personally, if I was going to take legal action, it would be against the movie "Groundhog Day," which was fraudulently filmed in Illinois instead of Pennsylvania.

In any case, Gmoser decided this week to withdraw his indictment against our famous 125-year-old woodchuck.

"Now, it turns out, Punxsutawney Phil is little more than a scapegoat," Gmoser said, blaming the forecasting error on Phil's handler, Bill Deeley, who confessed that he had misinterpreted Phil's "groundhog-ese."

That, I feel, warrants replacing the urinal game penguins with images of Deeley.