ARE YOU OVER-INTERPRETING “THE FACTS?”

Sandra Miller, MSW, LCSW,

Stopping to check the facts in the heat of the moment takes intentional and practiced effort. The more emotionally aroused we become, the more likely we over-interpret or misinterpret the facts of the situation. When we do this, we run the risk of making ourselves miserable and escalating conflicts with others.

WHAT IS A FACT?Facts are observed through the five senses, verifiable through other means or statements of feelings, needs or wants. “I see the moon” or “hear the loon” are facts known through the senses. They also are verifiable. “You talked on the phone for 19 minutes” is a fact verifiable by telephone records.We can also observe the behavior of others through our senses. For example, “I heard you say you want to go out tonight” or “I saw you take the last piece of cake” are observed through the senses. These are generally not verifiable observations so can easily come across as accusations if the behaviors observed are not-so-positive. We can soften the delivery of these observations by seeking verification, asking “did I hear you correctly when you said you didn’t want to go out tonight?”Observed behavior can be factual if it is narrowly constructed and includes precise words and definitions. “She walked out of the room” differs from “She stormed out of the room” or “He raised his voice” rather than “He screamed.” You are factual when you describe precisely what you see, hear or feel without distortion or deletion.Stated feelings, needs and wants are another type of fact. “I feel sad” or “I am confused … “I need …” or “I want ….” If I say “I feel sad” that is a fact. My feelings are my feelings and no one knows what they are but me and sometimes I don’t even know.Descriptions of observed facts often start with “I” statements — “I see …” “I feel …” “I noticed …” or “I hear …” are examples. Observed facts acknowledge they are time limited. Just because I feel angry now doesn’t mean I am an angry person. Notice too that facts tend to use active verbs with limited use of adjectives and adverbs that minimize or maximize what is. It’s one thing to state “I’m sad” as a fact. “I can’t face another day” overstates the fact.

THE “FACTS” ARE NOT ALWAYS FACTSMany statements we believe to be facts aren’t necessarily. If I say “You came home after dinner” that is a verifiable fact but if I say “You came home late for dinner” that may or may not be a fact. It depends on whether or not we agreed what time dinner would be served or what time we customarily eat dinner or whether I told you I’d be home later than usual before I left for work. If we assume, forget or leave out relevant information, then our facts are no longer facts.Much of what we believe to be factual is actually interpretation of facts. We humans interpret to give meaning to our lives. Interpretations are the stories we tell ourselves to make sense of the world. Healthy interpretation enriches our lives. Without interpretation, we would be like Star Trek’s Dr. Spock, devoid of emotion or meaning.The challenge arises when we over-interpret or misinterpret the facts with a negative bias. The facts tell me you came home after dinner. When I jump to the conclusion “you don’t love me” that’s an over-interpretation with a negative bias that causes problems in my relationship and makes me miserable.

WE INTERPRET THROUGH FIVE SENSESAs humans we have an urgent need to give meaning to information our senses gather. The instant our senses take in a fact, our brain begins to interpret it. We notice a ball of reds, oranges and yellows on the horizon and immediately label it a “beautiful sunset.” The instant I see you take the last piece of cake, my mind jumps to how that relates to me. It could be a judgment that’s good “now I won’t eat it” or that’s bad because I wanted it.It’s not surprising then that our instantaneous interpretations are subject to distortion because we are always trying to figure out “what does it mean for me?” We tend to hear what we expect to hear. We subconsciously change the facts we receive as they filter through five lenses: our emotions, beliefs, values, life experiences and unspoken rules about how things should be.

Emotions. Our emotions alter how we interpret. If we are afraid, we may think the messenger was aggressive. If we are confused, we believe the messenger was unclear. If information is missing, we more than likely fill the gaps with worst case scenarios.Beliefs. If we believe people are untrustworthy, then we interpret every fact that comes to us through that lens. When a spouse comes home late from work, it’s a sign he’s having an affair. When a homeless person approaches us, we see danger. When a co-worker points out an error, they are sabotaging our job.Values. If I value what the neighbors think, then that’s the lens through which I interpret what I see, hear and feel. If I cry, the neighbors will think I’m weak. If my garage is a mess, the neighbors will think I’m lazy. If I yell with the windows open, they will think I’m a bad mother.Life experiences. If I grew up in a family where expressing emotions was not acceptable, then I may judge myself as weak when I cry. If I grew up with alcoholic parents who fought all the time, that will affect how I take in information about relationships.Unspoken rules. We all have unspoken rules about how the world “should” work, how we “should” be in the world and how relationships “should” function. These unspoken “shoulds,” masquerading as facts, create misery within ourselves and in our relationships. If I judge every job I’m offered by the unspoken rule that I must earn $85,000 a year by my 30th birthday, I will likely be miserable. If I judge the quality of my marriage by the thrill I felt on our honeymoon, I will likely be miserable. If I have the unspoken rule that the dishes must be done immediately after dinner, I will more likely remember the one time I was too tired to clean up instead of the 100 times I did the dishes right away.

A NOTE ON NEGATIVE BIASWe humans have a tendency to interpret events with a negative bias. Just as the brain tends to remember negative events more easily than positive ones, it tends to fill in the gaps between facts with negative interpretations more readily than positive or neutral interpretations.Negative bias comes out in numerous ways. When we catastrophize, we assume the worst. “He’s late coming home from work. He must be having an affair” instead of “I wonder if he said he was working late when he left this morning and I missed it.” Over-generalizing can also fuel negative bias. “I made a mistake at work today. I can’t do anything right.” All-or-nothing thinking is another way negative bias comes out. “If I’m not perfect, then I’m worthless.”Mind-reading and fortunetelling are classic opportunities for negative bias. “I know you hate me!” or “I’m never going to find a job I like.” Negative bias also comes out when we confuse needs and wants or personalize things. Emotional reasoning is another significant source of negative bias. “I’m angry at her because she’s angry at me”. Labeling, another way we introduce negative bias, helps us avoid having to deal with problem behaviors. “You’re a liar. You said you’d pick me up at noon.”

IS IT FACT OR INTERPRETATION?​It’s difficult to see when we are misinterpreting or over-interpreting facts. Partly it’s an issue of pride but mostly it’s because it’s just plain hard. Here are questions to ask to figure out if your interpretation is reasonable. When you’re unsure (which will be frequent), give the benefit of the doubt to yourself or others involved.

What are the facts? How do I know?

What interpretation explains the facts?

What assumptions are you making?

What is the evidence to support your assumptions?

What facts support my interpretation?

What facts contradict my interpretation?

Would clarifying questions give me more information?

What are alternative plausible interpretations?

Could someone else reasonably interpret the facts differently?

If you answer “yes” to any of the following, you may be over-interpreting or misinterpreting the facts.

Is your emotional response to the situation more exaggerated than a reasonable person might expect given the facts of the situation?

Are you applying a negative bias or assuming the worst case outcomes?

Are your interpretations out of context?

Have you exaggerated the facts to support your interpretations? (If you are using adverbs and adjectives liberally, you probably are exaggerating)

Might others define broad encompassing words differently?

Are you ascribing emotions and desires to others?

Are you linking unrelated events together or past events to the present and labeling it a pattern?

Are you distorting the facts by taking them out of chronological order?

Are you constructing convoluted stories to support your explanations?

Are you assuming cause & effect?

Are you attributing intent or motive?

If you find yourself emotionally aroused, miserable or with escalating differences with loved ones, co-workers, friends and others, then your interpretations are likely a significant share of the problem. I hope you will stop, take a step back and rethink your interpretations when you are in a less emotionally aroused state. You’ll be glad you did.