Welcome to Drops of Jules! (Update on my Religion/Faith)

May 4, 2016

Today, we are taking a much-needed break to update on everything that’s been going on in my life with faith and religion. Plus, a blog change! They coincide so I thought it’d be best to talk about it all together.

If you have tried to access the site in a few days, but haven’t been able to, that’s because I changed URLs! I believe if you try to go to lord-still-loves-me.com, it should redirect to dropsofjules.com now. For many of you, the site will still show up as lord-still-loves-me.com. It takes awhile to make the technological change, but thankfully I have a great deal of resources to help me make the transition as seamlessly as possible. Tech support from my hosting company has been incredibly helpful over the week.

So, why make the change? It’s been on my heart for some time now, and over the weekend, I finally felt ready to make the jump.

Lord Still Loves Me was all about my recovery from anorexia. Drops of Jules still will be about my recovery, but it will also be about my life in general. I want to chat about dating and friends and my job and religion and mental health… and so much more. I want this little writing spot of mine to be the literal drops of me.

By the way, Drops of Jules is a play on words for my favorite song- Drops of Jupiter by Train! For kicks, let’s pause and take a listen.

Ahhhh, Patrick Monahan’s voice will never get old.

I realize I could have easily transitioned Lord Still Loves Me to what I hope to be my blog now, but there was something that felt off, and that is because my faith has drastically changed this year. I believe for the better, but some might disagree.

My faith is my faith, and in no way do I think what I believe is what everyone should believe. Everyone is in their own life path, and I’ve come to this perspective based on my own daily life and what I’ve learned. This post is not an attempt to condemn or convince anyone of religion, one way or another. This is me sharing my heart.

An Update on My Faith

So here is where I am at with religion: First, let’s start with a mini background to give it some context.

I was educated in elementary through high school in a private, conservative Christian school. It was a bubble. A small, tiny bubble, with an even more narrow perspective on Christianity. Though nondenominational, I’m now aware of where it aligned itself and that is on a very specific sect of Christianity. At home, I was raised relatively secularly, but at school, it was strict. My parents never mandated we had to go church, and they always wanted to ensure that my brother and I chose whatever spiritual path we wanted, which I am grateful for.

My high school experience influenced me greatly. Christian thought was my thought. I looked at the world through a staunch Christian mindset, but I didn’t know the first thing about Christianity. In the plainest of terms, I was ignorant. I’d say I believed in the stories dispersed throughout the Bible, but had I actually read them? I was claiming a lot of truths I didn’t even know.

Fast forward to spring of my first year here at San Diego State University (last year, this time). I took two Religious Studies classes (this was before I was a RELS minor): Exploring the Bible and Women in the Bible. Both of the classes were taught on a secular level, by the same professor, with the understanding that the professor was coming from a respectful perspective. Over the course of the semester, I became incredibly close to him, always bugging him during office hours and asking hundreds of questions. I love that guy and still email him/see him every week. He’s my mentor here, and I hope to continue contact with him for all my life, wherever our paths take us.

In his classes, just four hours out of every week for the two classes combined, I learned more about the faith I supposedly subscribed to than I had in my entire thirteen years of private Christian schooling.

Wait, what?

Yeah, I know. It made no sense to me.

I got angry.

I felt manipulated, and for a long time, I gave up trying to connect with this ethereal being that was my “Father.” I felt betrayed by every teacher I had had during primary and secondary schooling. I was annoyed that I spent all that time memorizing Bible verses instead of learning the actual history behind all of lyrics.

I ended my first year at college tired, flustered, frustrated, but most of all, I felt enriched.

I wrestled with these issues a lot, but on the surface, I still identified as a Christian. I kept on the persona of it in my personal life, purely because I was afraid to stray from the path. When I returned home, I was surrounded by my faithful friends who abided by the Scripture, and I didn’t want to disappoint them. My senior year of high school, teachers were on us about keeping up with our faith, and I swore up and down that I’d read my Bible every day. Looking back, I did read my Bible every day, but it was to look at it through a literary critical perspective.

I started to look at my life: I wasn’t being an anti-Christian, but I certainly was not being a Christian. I wasn’t praying. I wasn’t trying to connect to God. And when I did try to do those and participate, it felt disconnected and fake.

As I’m typing all of this, I’m terrified. Not because I worry I’ll be renounced by anyone out there who reads my blog as a Christian, but I’m terrified because it is hard to be honest with myself about these things. All my life, Christianity was me. For so long, I found my solace and comfort in God and Jesus Christ, but the more I take Religious Studies classes, the more I realize how dirty the faith is. It’s saying that everything I believed my entire life, was somehow wrong. And this isn’t to say it is wrong! But it was not the full picture. I intend to find out as much as I can now though. I didn’t even know what the Crusades were, and how horrid they were, until a few months ago in my Christianity class.

All religions have some dirt under their nails. All religions have similarities. All religions are absolutely interesting.

I’m not saying I’ll never return to Christianity. In fact, I very may well do so in the future! But if I take a hard, internal look at my being right now, I really cannot honestly say that I believe wholeheartedly in what the Christian faith says.

For one, there are over 30,000 differing sects of Christianity. Some believe in the Trinity. Some don’t. Some believe Jesus had children. Some believe he was celibate. Some believe he never died on the cross. Some believe he was never a physical being. Some believe that the God of the Old Testament is different than the God of New Testament. (<– If you’re into this stuff like I am, this is a wormhole you should Google.)

It just gets so confusing, and I don’t know enough about it to make a definite decision that I am content with. What I do know, is that I want to make the decision for myself. No more accepting what someone says at face value. If I have a question, I’m going to ask it. If a professor can’t give me an answer, I will work on it myself until I get one that satisfied me.

I think that’s what people mean when they say passion. I finally feel passion- an insatiable desire to know more, to feel more, to be more.

That’s why I declared a double major, and that’s why I hope to go on to get my doctorate in some area of Religious Studies. I find these rich and beautiful histories to be fascinating. it’s remarkable the myths, martyrs, traditions that have commenced as a result of one religion or another. It’s mesmerizing, and I cannot get enough.

I don’t have all of the answers, but that’s what I’m most excited about. I’ll never have all of the answers, but for the first time in my life, I’m taking responsibility for discovering what I believe for myself. That’s what I think is important.

Please note: this is NOT me condemning anyone else’s beliefs or ideals toward religion, whether they believe in it or not. This is all a personal journey for me as I come to a consensus on my spirituality. The last thing I want is to be that person who shoves my religion down another person’s throat. That just is not cool, and if this post comes off like that, than I’m really sorry.

Talking on a personal level about religion is so difficult. Seriously, you should see my hunched shoulders as I type this right now. That is why I’m going to decrease that immensely. It’s just not worth it right now, because I’ll inevitably put my foot in my mouth because I really don’t know enough to have any authority to write on it.

That is a very long-winded explanation for the change from Lord Still Loves Me to Drops of Jules. Many of the emails I get are asking how to merge faith into recovery, but right now, I really don’t have the first clue who to answer that. I still have a spiritual sense, in fact I think it is more heightened than ever, but it does not exist entirely for one religion.

I hope all of that makes sense! For now, we are sticking to Drops of Jules, which is perfect because that is my personal instagram name! I’m now going to merge that Instagram into being both personal and for this blog, so make sure to follow that over there. I’m also forwarding my Lord Still Loves Email to my brand new email, which is dropsofjules(at)gmail(dot)com. You can email me HERE. This also means that I’m changing all of my social media handles as well, so I figured while we are on the topic, I’ll post them here!

Nothing else really changes! I know I mentioned a few weeks back that Mental Health Monday will be a thing, and that is STILL the case. I’m going to start it once finals for the semester are over, because than I’ll have more time to regulate the guidelines and make sure the first few weeks run smoothly.

We will still talk about recovery here! You can always email me about recovery related topics as well. We are just going to add in more life posts. I want to keep this personal and include friends and dating and making my way through college and then eventually grad school. AHH!

Thank you for sticking with me and helping ease the transition! You all are the best. <3

I thought I’d end this post with my favorite Emily Dickinson’s poem, which pretty much sums up my thoughts on religion succinctly.

No questions today, but I’d love to hear any thoughts you might had while reading this post!

Comments

I understand, I hope you will feel at peace again soon.
I went through much the same, in the end we all have our own journeys and rough spots.
After all, He was not the one to give up on me, I was the one that doubted Him….

I am praying for you, I hope things can be cleared up soon for you. I know what that is like and it’s torture!

Oh Abbie! You’re very kind, but I don’t find this time torturous whatsoever! For the first time in my life, I feel empowered in my spiritual understanding, because it’s finally mine. I’m taking ownership of my beliefs, even if I’m not entirely sure what they are. Thank you for the support though. 🙂

I love this Jules! It’s so awesome that you’ve been open to new interpretations of and ideas on your faith. We are constantly evolving as people to it only makes sense that our views and opinions change too! Thank you for sharing this with us. <3Kaila@HealthyHelperBlog recently posted…Fresh n’ Fruity Sweet Potato Hash [paleo+vegan]

I love this Jules! It’s so awesome that you’ve been open to new interpretations of and ideas on your faith. We are constantly evolving as people to it only makes sense that our views and opinions change too! Thank you for sharing this with us.

Ahhh I need to study but I want to comment. Commenting wins right now.
1.) I love your rebrand. Drops of Jupiter is one of my FAVORITE songs, and the play on the title is adorable.
2.) I have so much respect for you, not only for posting this, but also for really taking the time to think about what you believe. I think it’s easy, or at least easier, to accept what you’ve grown up with… but it’s a lot more satisfying and authentic to develop your own belief system. I’ve watched a lot of my friends’ and family members’ beliefs evolve over time and have been gratified to get to engage with them in conversations about these meaningful aspects of life. If you ever want to chat about anything, definitely feel free to reach out.
Okay, back to studying. Have a lovely day!Ellen @ My Uncommon Everyday recently posted…Ehlers-Danlos Awareness: What I Didn’t Know

Ellen, I love you. We need to chat more. I’m sorry I’ve not been able to actively keep up with your blog as much as I want to. We both only have a few more weeks! Keeping you in my thoughts as we make that final push. Enjoy that studying (if that’s possible..)

I really respect you for sharing this deep personal struggle that you have wrestled with. I really think it’s so important that people make up their own minds about things instead of just believing blindly what their parents say. That’s why I need to be sure beyond a doubt what my beliefs are, regardless of what anyone else says.
You might find this annoying to hear, but I don’t believe God is done with you yet!
I’m looking forward to seeing your blog grow and change over the coming years.

GIRL! so excited to for where you’re headed, can’t wait to read more posts from you 🙂

I’ve been through a similar transition since coming to to college 4 years ago and think it’s so important that we continue to grow and seek out more knowledge, especially with things we once just accepted without questioning.

Oh girl, I LOVE this! I grew up going to church every week and my grandmother was always very religious. I didn’t even question whether I was a Christian or not until about halfway through college- when, similarly to you, I realized I didn’t know the FIRST thing about it. That was probably 3 or 4 years ago and the bottom line is: I don’t think my religious/spiritual beliefs fit neatly in one box. I am a spiritual person but there are so many different ideas out there and at this point in my life, I just don’t feel comfortable aligning strictly with one- and I thoroughly enjoy learning about them all! Sending thoughts your way as you continue your spiritual journey!

Meghan, first, I must thank you for sharing a bit of your own story. I agree- right now, my beliefs do not fit any one system, which is both frustrating and liberating. I’m thankful for your encouragement!

First, congrats on the change! I’m hoping to transition to a more “all-encompassing” URL soon, too. Growing and changing is what life’s about! 🙂
Second, I relate to your current thinking/confusion/insatiability for finding your own beliefs very well. Your story is much like my own, except my parents were (are) very conservative/religious and I went to church and Sunday school often.
I went to a private southern baptist grammar school that, yes, was a bubble. I received a good foundational education, but the school did NOT encourage “out of the box” thinking or have any diversity. In HS, even though I attended public school, it was much of the same.
I attended a Catholic (Jesuit) college, and it was by taking various religion and philosophy courses (and declaring a second major in philosophy) as well as immersing myself in volunteer work that I really began to “know” my own spirituality.
I’m so grateful my parents (even though we have different beliefs on a lot of things) raised me to have my own mind!
I get it. This is an exciting time for you. Doubt and knowledge are beautiful things, and I agree that the history of religion is so fascinating.
And just know that ten + years later (god I’m old!), you still won’t have things 100% figures out…and that’s more than ok.
And…even if you decide *not* to pursue a masters or doctorate and go down an unrelated path like I have (although you totally would succeed!), your knowledge will *always* benefit you.

YAY! For the transition of your blog. It was a HASSLE warning you now, but if you need any assistance, I am 100% here. I went in blind and it was a semi-disaster, but thankfully it seems all is well now. 🙂 Additionally, thank you so much for writing out your experiences. We seem to have very similar upbringings, and I appreciate everything you wrote. You are a delight, Catherine!

I had a very similar experience – attended Catholic schools throughout my educational career only to find that I struggled with my faith during my college years despite the fact that I attended a Jesuit college (and graduate school!). Furthermore, I grew up in an extremely secular household where the issue of religion was discussed only in the context of school or sociopolitical issues. In college, we were required to take two religion courses (minimum) and I opted for Introduction to Islam during one semester and Introduction to Judaism during another semester. I sincerely believe that learning about these religions opened my eyes so extensively that I could no longer accept my religion (Catholocism) as the right one. Fun fact: I am baptized Greek Orthodox even though I attended all Catholic schools. Overall, I can really relate and that being said, I admire your honesty and am glad to hear that you are happy with where you are spiritually right now 🙂

This is a great post. It’s so great that you are able to step out of your comfort zone and find out what you truly think for yourself instead of just believing what other people tell you straight off the bat. Cant wait to hear how you continue to learn and grow in this process! 🙂

As a youth pastors wife, we spend a lot of our time explaining to our youth that they don’t have to understand it all. It’s okay to have doubts and questions. We also tell them they can’t live off their parents’ faith- it has to be their own. I’ve had the same doubts and questions and honestly I think what held me anchored to God is that he is the only thing that feels 100% real to me. Everything changes, but he remains the same. I think as humans we like to make God human too, believing that He thinks like us, but in reality he is so much bigger than we could ever comprehend.
I love that you are discussing your faith and exploring it. I think the one thing I’ll tell my children is to never stop asking the questions or just settle for a life without spirituality.
Looooove drops of Jules because drops of Jupiter is one of my old time favs!

First off I have so much respect for you posting about this sensitive topic religion. It’s so important though to look deep into the thing we believe wether it’s religion, family, friends, or food. I food after recovering my body from anorexia I had to also stand beside my whole self and feel confident in all areas of my life religion was a big one to make peace with. I also went to a Christian school and grow up in the faith. After years of traveling and meeting my husband I finally made peace with the fact that I could not believe in “Christianity” or hold on to the guilt that came with it. I still believe in a higher power and believe church can be great for lots of people, support, hope and love but I don’t believe in religion and finally feel ok with that. Good luck on your journey and most importantly stay true to your heart and stand beside what you believe!

I absolutely love this. First of all I love the new blog name – also one of my favorite songs! Whenever I read your posts it makes me realize what a remarkable intelligent, and brave woman you are. Kudos to you for opening up about your faith. I will say that I was quite similar to you I think – I grew up in a very Christian house, and was very into my faith and the church. But the more I learned, the more I wasn’t happy with organized religion. At the place where I am now I feel that if there is an ultimate being out there, the concept of a God or whatever is so far beyond what we are able to comprehend as humans that I don’t even want to try and understand it. I think that’s why religion becomes a bit of a mess – we are trying to put human constructs around something that is not human at all. But anyway, I look forward to reading all that there is to come on your blog!

You sound so so similar to me, and I appreciate you reaching out about your own story! I completely completely completely agree with you about the inevitable failure that comes with the attempt at comprehending God. It’ll never be something that humans can actually conceptualize. That’s what makes it God! You have so much wisdom, and I value your friendship, Becky!

Drops of Jupiter was actually the first thing that popped into my head when I read the new name of your blog, so I love that I wasn’t way off on that one. And I really admire your honesty on a topic that’s definitely not that easy to talk about. I went through a really similar experience, and college definitely brought about a huge shift in my faith. Even being out of it for so many years, I still find myself questioning and wondering about a lot of things, but I guess that’s all part of the spiritual journey.

Oh Amanda! I always fan girl when you comment here. You’re one of the first blogs I ever read. To have you share about your own spiritual journey really means a lot to me. <3 Also, I'm looking into doctorate programs in Canada, so if that works out, I'll be needing to know all of the insider tips of living there!

I’m so proud of you Julia, not only for critically considering faith (human beings wouldn’t be capable of curiosity and skepticism if we weren’t meant to question and doubt!) and think for yourself, but having the courage to come forward publicly about it. Very refreshing, and very empowering indeed. This is where the true growth and education of self begins.

I love the title and domain switch, it definitely soots you and your personality. I LOVE Drops of Jupiter too, it has so much meaning to me, I always sing it at the top of my lungs! You beautifully expressed your thoughts in this post Julia, religion is hard to talk about on a personal level. I relate to this post a lot. I was raised in the Catholic Church, but like you my parents were always very supportive of us pursuing our own spiritual journeys and never forced anything on us. As I have grown older and experienced life more, I can’t say that I identity with the Church as much anymore. All the scandals surrounding the Catholic Church doesn’t help either, in fact it sickens me. I still have a strong faith in God, but in a more personal way. I don’t feel like I need the Church to have good spiritual health. I am still growing and developing spiritually and I think it will be a life long journey, but I think informing ourselves and coming to conclusions that fulfill us as individuals is so important when it comes to faith and spirituality.

Dear Julia, I am anonymous reader of your blog. I have been thinking about you since reading of your transformation. Today, I am reading the comments to yesterday’s post. It is interesting to note that “college” seems to be a time of transformation for many. Why do you think this might be?

Indeed it is right to “own” your beliefs. I am much older and prior to the Internet, I went to the library with books and books surrounding me on the floor and read and read in history and otherwise- unrelated to religion to see if what I was being told was a “bill of goods”. Just from a historic point of view, I knew, from my research it was truth. I was just not ready to embrace it wholeheartedly. Fortunate for me, I was raised in a church that dealt with much of the history of Christianity, both good and bad – so I was not shocked but recognized the natural tendencies of us as humans and later I recognized the amazing love of God to us.

In the end of this quest for truth, I found that the Bible, properly understood is truth. But how could I know? I didn’t just read the Bible but I studied it for hours on end. I did not take anyone’s word for it. I asked God to help and I dug in. Not my parents, my pastor, my friends who did not believe or my friends who did, my mentors – no one! I knew that I was too impressionable but I could know, at least enough so that I would not be confused (Of course there is much yet to learn).

My “motherly” counsel to you is to be careful to not jump from ditch to ditch- meaning just accepting what your teachers told you pre-college or in a more sophisticated way in-college. Study, don’t just read, or hear. Study deeply, find good corroborating evidence before believing. Our educational system lends to us hearing or reading and accepting as true the thoughts and opinions especially of those who supposedly have more knowledge. Well have you ever just looked at the trends in psychology since the 1950s to today? The “experts” said so many varying and opposing things that if we took them all in, well, we would have to see a “shrink” ; ) . Who or what is right ? Same with child rearing and I am certain your head has taken a swim from time to time with the varying “expert” advice for ED.

My young friend and to all that may read this – to be intellectually honest concerning God, study the book that claims to be from God not books and writing and other’s studies about God. I am willing to share tips that have worked for me to help with my studies if you are interested. Regardless, I wish great things for you on your journey through this life.

First, thank you for taking the time to write out all of your thoughts. I really appreciate the effort of responding to my own words. As for college being a transformative time in other’s lives, I know from person experience, this is a time of liberation for me. I’m able to finally step away from the bubble I was raised in (not at the fault of my parents whatsoever), and really take the time to rediscover the world. It’s a freeing experience, and one I’m taking seriously.

Your diligent study of the Bible is what I hope to do in these upcoming years of my life as well. Whether or not I will come to the same conclusion as you did, that I am unsure of this moment in time. But that is precisely why I need to set out and study for myself. I appreciate you taking the time to share your experience with biblical study! Actually all of my teachers so far are Christian, but they are teaching it from a secular perspective. That’s why I know for a fact I’m not jumping from ditch to ditch. If I were blindly following my professor’s words, I would still be a Christian, just a more skeptical one.

Again, thank you for sharing and for providing your insight in the matter!

Wow, thank you so much for sharing your wisdom. God has really been showing me that His WORD is truth, above any words of men, and it’s so humbling and comforting to know that there is one perfect standard, and that it is His Word. Your comment was a strong reminder of where my foundation is. THANK YOU!

Thank you for these thoughts Julia. I have went on this same journey (and am still on it!) because I grew up in a Christian home and church where the way things were , just sort of were. I hate how “religious people” use their views to force a selfish agenda and do not believe in half of the things that people claim are “in the Bible”. I think the Bible shows that people are sinners and have faults. It also shows that God has changed and will change (Old–>New Testament). What I hope you keep in mind is that Jesus is love. Never forget that in your heart, always love. You can never be steered wrong 🙂

This was a great read Julia. I think the change of blog-name suits you so well and I’m very proud of you for opening up and being honest about something that is not often easy to talk about. It’s wonderful that you’ve made the decision to continue to explore your own faith and what you believe as an individual. It’s difficult not to label yourself, but doing so can be incredibly freeing and I hope it is for you. Honestly, you can’t go far wrong by following your intuition and continuing to learn every day. I can’t wait to become a regular visitor at Drops of Jules and follow this new chapter in your life.

Julia, I came across your blog just a couple weeks ago, during a desperate search for recovery tips as I strive to recover from the anorexia that has ravaged my life and, yes, kept me from fully serving my Creator. I believe that he made me beautiful — in His image — and what the devil threw in my path to distract me, I will turn into a powerful story that I can use to bless others.

All that to say, I am both sorry and encouraged to read this post. Sorry that you’ve experienced such nominalism and “fakey” religion, but encouraged that there is SOMEONE else out there who loves to delve deep into theology and truly examine the truths that are portrayed, sometimes unwittingly or unwillingly, even. I’m only sixteen, but having lived the majority of my life overseas as an MK, and having attended private Christian International schools throughout my life, I’ve experienced a lot of variety and have been disgusted at the lack of passion that is so common — especially in the American church.

The problem is, just like the Israelites wandering in the desert, we focus on ourselves, our accomplishments, and what WE can do to earn our way to worthiness (believe me, I know — I almost killed myself trying to be beautiful, athletic, self-controlled, blah blah blah. You know the feeling, I’m sure.) What I’m trying to say, is this — whether you are finished with God or not, he’s not finished with you! He died on the cross for your sins, because he loves you and made you to enjoy abundant life in him! So whatever lies and discriminations disgust you about the church, all that matters is that he loves you and wants you to love him!

Anorexia threatened to strip me of that abundant life, and my faith has fluctuated more than I though possible. But just like the old name of you blog, the “Lord still loves you!” Who cares what bigoted, legalistic church members think or do? It’s just like what the ED doctors always say — don’t compare yourself (in that case what you eat) with everyone else, because “you just need the calories!” The Lord loves you like you can’t imagine, and he is delighted by you — and by your passion for Truth!

Oh, boy. I could go on about this forever. But I hope I portrayed what I meant! 🙂

Anna, I wish you all the best as you continue on in your recovery! How on earth are you 16 years old only? Your intelligence supersedes your youth, and that makes me excite to see how you will be in yeas to come!

Girl, thank you for sharing your heart. <3 Fakey religion is something that I was so convicted of this year, and I think the biggest thing was seeing how Jesus condemned the Pharisees for all their outward forms of religion. I realized that I ahdhad put so much emphasis on 'looking like a Christian' without realizing just how the life of Christ wasn't affecting my heart. Wow. That was the work of the Holy Spirit, and it's so humbling, because every day, I walk along, fall, and He, by His grace, picks us up again. It's so beautiful to know that Christianity is more than a religion and that it is a relationship. Like Julia said, it's so easy for it to be a 'system' that people subscribe to, but they don't know why, and I'm so thankful for God's grace in showing me that I couldn't ride on my parent's faith.

Hi Jules! I admire your honesty on religion because it is tremendously difficult to discuss in the public sphere. That’s cool you are interested in getting your doctorate in religious studies! Where are you looking? I have my Master’s in Historical Theology from the University of Dayton and almost got my PhD in History of Christianity until I discerned to focus on a career working more with people—academia as a career field has several problems right now. Email me if you have any questions about schools or the field!
Christianity is messy, because humanity is messy. Part of my conversion to Catholicism was getting comfortable with that messiness and humanness of faith. God of the OT is different than God of the NT not because God changes, but because human perception of God changes with the revelation of his Word in Christ. Religious studies is a messy field to study, because it pushes you to grow and because, well as you said, horrid things happened because humanity is involved.

Hey Laura! Thank you so much for writing in ESPECIALLY because your line of work is right up my alley! I’d love to connect with you more. I especially love your point about being comfortable with the messiness. I think that’s really important, and regardless of where I end up in my ideology, there is no line of thought that will ever have a bare slate. Thank you thank you thank you! I will definitely reach out! 🙂

We all reach a point where it is time to evolve. In our lives, in our “brands,” in our hair color. Life is dynamic and so are we! I think this rebrand is a great, positive move, and I think it will further empower you in your recovery but most importantly, in your life APART from recovery. Because you are so much more than that!

Love your update Julia and I can’t wait to read more of whatever you decide to put out!

Religion is messy and uncomfortable…and at the same time it’s not. I can definitely emphasize with you, coming from a very close knit church community in high school, being one of the worship leaders and mentors in my youth group, being oh so very sure and solid in my religion…and then having it all change in college – and the ironic thing is, I attend a Catholic university (though I’m Protestant, but all major religious faiths have strong presences on campus). And at least I it’s scary and unsettling to be so uncertain about faith when all aspects of your life are going at a million miles an hour in every which way, but at the same time I wouldn’t trade my new perspectives for anything else!

If you get a chance, I’d love to read more about the perspectives you’ve learned! The theology classes I’ve taken have all been science and healthcare centered (surprisingly Georgetown offers a good handful of them too), and I wish I had the time to take a few more humanity-centered ones.

Thank you for speaking about your experience! Sounds like your confident in your own personal beliefs, which is exactly what I want for myself! Also, you go to Georgetown?!?!? Such an incredible school!!

Julia! I am a longtime reader and let me just say that I am SO impressed by you. I’m blown away by how beyond your years you are…and your writing is such a pleasure to read. You’re going to go far in life, sister.

I think it’s very brave that you speak out about your religious insecurities. I am really not a religious person, but I do respect people who are more spiritual as I am, and I never felt like you were being preachy about your faith, which is something I really appreciate. I wish you the best of luck on your path to finding your spiritual identity!

Hey Jules! First (as many others have said) Drops of Jupiter is my JAM too. Super cute new name! 🙂 I wasn’t raised Christian but was radically saved when I was 17 (many moons ago LOL)! When I’ve experienced deep sorrow and have questioned God (or even been angry with Him), He has always been faithful to me.

Please use caution when considering “what some believe.” It’s what we believe that makes us who we are! Not all who claim Christ are His followers (Matthew 7:21-23).! Please dig deep into the Bible. I’ve found that every time I press on it and think it’s going to give way, it bounces back stronger than before. One of my favorite quotes is from Charles Spurgeon (it’s long I’m sorry)!

“The Word of God can take care of itself, and will do so if we preach it, and cease defending it. See you that lion. They have caged him for his preservation; shut him up behind iron bars to secure him from his foes! See how a band of armed men have gathered together to protect the lion. What a clatter they make with their swords and spears! These mighty men are intent upon defending a lion. O fools, and slow of heart! Open that door! Let the lord of the forest come forth free. Who will dare to encounter him? What does he want with your guardian care? Let the pure gospel go forth in all its lion-like majesty, and it will soon clear its own way and ease itself of its adversaries.”

I truly, genuinely, wholeheartedly believe that God is sovereign over all things, including your sweet loving heart. We all have a journey and if you truly desire truth you will truly find it! 🙂 <3

Thank you for leaving such a thorough and insightful comment! I completely agree with you in that piling all Christians into one tiny pocket of the world is unimaginable and prejudicial if I were to take a clear and concise look at my own faith. Christianity does not fit into a box, and I hope none of what I said led to that conclusion. Many people put on the persona of a Christian for the material benefits in this world, and that is where one of my thoughts of frustration lies. Regardless, I’m excited to continue to dive in and, as you say, dig deep into the Bible itself.

That quote from Charles Spurgeon is incredible! I’ve never seen it before, but I love it. Thank you for sharing that with me. In addition, thank you for taking the time to write all of that out and feeling comfortable enough to share your own faith with me!

Dear Julia, I know it must have been hard for you to open up and share that, and thank you for your 100% honesty. I understand the struggle, and I would never want to tell you that you ‘must’ put on Christianity like some sort of ‘Sunday bag.’ I’m praying that God would give you direction, that you might experience the nearness of His presence, and the love of Jesus Christ. <3 The Christian church has bad history, for sure, because there are so many sinners out there, and it's a struggle for me to look past all of the woes and see that God is good, even when I'm not. It's not cut and dry or merely intellectual, and I think people often reduce Christianity to that, or some sort of outward form, and I'm thankful that you are thinking about what you believe, sharing it, and not ashamed of your journey.

You are so brave for writing this and I am so glad you left a comment on my blog so I could find yours.

There are so many insightful comments on this post but I wanted to say just one thing. This is exactly why God hates religion – because religion is all about rules and not relationship. Too many people think Christians need to be these perfect goody goodies who follow all the rules and never do anything wrong but the truth is, Christians are just real people – the only difference is that they follow Jesus.

In fact, I think Christians openly admit that they actually kind of suck at being perfect because they realise their need for forgiveness – and understand that Jesus is the only one to live a perfect life.

If you ever need someone to chat to without judgement or fear of saying the wrong thing, please please get in touch with me. I’m a Christian (though I kind of hate that word too – I just love Jesus) from a non-Christian family with plenty of friends with different beliefs. I’m not someone who’s pushy but someone who loves – because I know that everyone needs to be loved (myself included!). <3

I think it’s wonderful that you are taking the time to question things and develop your own faith. I feel like one’s faith is probably the most personal thing anyone can have, so might as well take care in cultivating it right?

I think that Train song came out when I was in middle school haha…I remember all those school bus rides my bus driver would have the radio on and this would play EVERY day lol.

I don’t believe I’ve ever commented, but I’ve been reading your blog for about a year and have always been inspired by your strength and determination in recovery. As a former (…recovering?) anorexic, who daily battles the self-destructive voice that tells me to restrict and attacks what little confidence I possess, reading your words makes me want to try harder and not give in to the ED demon. You live vibrantly and you glow with happiness.

I was so thrilled to read this post, and I am thrilled that college has allowed you to break free of the religious bubble in which you grew. I also attended a private Christian school for most of my life, and when I started college I got sucked even deeper into Christianity by going on a two-month summer evangelism project. At the time I thought I had found freedom in my faith, when in reality I felt empty, inadequate, and like a complete failure of a Christian. It was a constant comparison battle between myself and my seemingly much stronger, God-loving, prayer warrior friends. I never measured up. It was a miserable internal war, and everything that I used to enjoy made me feel guilty because it wasn’t “holy” enough. When I left college, I left the faith. And it has been amazingly freeing, yes, but it has also left me feeling completely directionless and bitter. I don’t know what to believe, what I SHOULD believe; I haven’t prayed in so long, and when I try, it’s like talking to thin air. I wonder if I was simply delusional when I claimed to feel God’s presence so heavily in my life. I wonder how I could actually LOVE this entity that I’ve never seen, possibly never experienced in any real way… and I’m supposed to love Him more than anything else and serve Him and die to myself for Him? …Why?

I want to believe in something, but I don’t know what that something is. It would be *easier* to just slap a Christian label on myself and be done with it, but I would be wildly unhappy. I want to explore religion and, like you, come to my own understandings and conclusions. I think you are absolutely right that everyone’s faith journeys look different, and none of them are necessarily “wrong.” We’re all seeking truth. I’m sick of judgment, specifically that of the Christian community, on those who question and doubt. I don’t need to hear that I’ve “wandered” or “fallen” from God. It’s just that the faith I blindly subscribed to for so many years no longer feels right to me. And I’ve got to figure out something else.

Geez, sorry for the book. I got a bit carried away. Thank you again for this post. I’m so glad you are growing and evolving your beliefs. You continue to inspire and encourage me, and I just wanted you to know that.

Never apologize for long comments! I LOVE them, and I value your time in writing all of that out to me.

Your point about slapping the Christian label on yourself is something I’ve felt for a long time. It’s easy to fall into something already set out and explained for me. But when I find myself straying from that path… it feels distant and worrisome. Jordan, you have a friend in me, and I know that I’m a stranger, but our lives appear to be incredibly similar, and I hope you know you are always welcome to confide in me when you feel this frustration at a paramount moment. <3

Sorry for the month-late reply, but thank you so much, Julia. You’re a sweet soul. I continue to enjoy reading your journey, and it sounds like there will be some amazing experiences coming your way soon! <3

Sometimes questioning faith leads you to a stronger and more powerful relationship. I think soooo many people can relate to your struggles. It’s awesome that you can be so raw and share your story – very brave friend!

Julia, I’m always so inspired by your honesty and self-reflection. I was born and raised Catholic but never really felt a spiritual connection until high school, so I totally understand your questioning and desire to find your own path. Oh, and my all-time favorite college class was my religion class. I credit it all to an amazing professor but I learned so much!

Thank you so much for being so vulnerable in this post. Like you, I’ve grown up in a Christian home, and attended an Episcopalian school, with Chapel and all the rest. I never felt religion was “forced” upon me, but it was pretty much all I’d ever been exposed to. While my faith is very strong now, and I am dependent upon it for my recovery, I think it’s very admirable that you’re taking a step back to see what you really believe, instead of just following in the footsteps of everyone around you.

I hope you’re still getting comments on this post, since there are a few up since then. I just want to commend you on your honesty and for sharing with your readers something that might just as easily have been kept private. Also, I don’t know how anyone could be mad at you or disappointed in you for being true to yourself.

I do want to chime in with encouragement in continuing on this spiritual journey you have undertaken. As someone who’s been in a very similar situation to you (although it began a long time ago – I’m closer to your mother’s age than to yours! – it is ongoing, as I believe it should be), I wanted to share a few things I found *extremely* helpful and eye-opening in understanding the Judeo-Christian tradition in general. I don’t know what types of classes you will be taking in the next couple years of studies, but I have to say that I was extremely shocked (and honestly felt betrayed) when I discovered how heavy teaching about the Christian faith is on Western Christianity, post-schism and post-Reformation especially. A lot of people don’t realize that “sola scriptura”, for example, is a relatively new concept, and is nowhere to be found in scripture itself. It is enlightening to read about the early fathers of the church, how the canon for the New Testament was decided, why what was left out was left out, but that its being left out doesn’t render it invalid or untrue. Also fascinating is learning about early church heresies and the councils convened to address them. (You mention, for example, the idea that the God of the Old Testament and the god of the New Testament are different – this is not a new concept but actually has its roots in a heresy of a fellow named Marcion dating back to the second century. Fascinating stuff.)

I also found that a strong understanding of Judaism is essential to understand Christianity. Jewish history, tradition, and learning about the many mitzvos that religious Jews follow helped me immensely. Jewish apologetics is very good to read because it’s usually very logical. There is a fellow named Rabbi Jonathan Sacks that has written some really good stuff. He wrote a book called The Great Partnership about the relationship between science and religion that I highly recommend.

I will stop now because this comment is already a book! I wish you the best and hope there is a nugget of anything helpful in what I’ve written. I also want to thank you for all your recovery resources; I found your blog by happenstance about a year ago when I was on the verge of a relapse and I found a lot of what you’d written to be extremely helpful and instrumental in my continued recovery.

Okay one, I LOVED THIS COMMENT. Everything you wrote about is like bread and butter to me. So interesting and fascinating. I love how you mentioned that people are hyper focused on the recent history of Christianity, but in reality, all three Abrahamic faiths are incredibly similar due to their shared history. If my schedule and registration works out in my favor, I’ll be taking a class entirely on Abraham in the fall. It will focus on his covenant with God and the lingering affects it had on Judaism, Christianity, and Islam. When I go into my doctorate program, I actually want to focus on early Judaism and Christianity, rather than anything following the Great Schism of 1054 and later on. I’m much more fascinated by the aftermath of the Pax Romana and that time period. I just added Jonathan Sacks book to my GoodReads pile. Thank you for the suggest!

Additionally, I’m extremely pleased to here you’re coming out of that almost relapse. I’m always here for you, regardless of any arbitrary age gap. Suffering from eating disorders is such a unique issue that I find it difficult to relate to those who’ve never endured it. My inbox is always open if you need anything.

Hi Julia, I just stumbled across your blog and onto this post and I just wanted to comment and say how beautifully written it is and how much I can feel your passion through the post! I have explored my own spirituality over the years and I can understand where you are at (I am still wanting to know more and more ha). A burning desire to know more, more and more and have all of your questions answered and understand everything ha! I commend your bravery in sharing this as I imagine it wouldn’t have been easy for you. Each of our journeys are different and therefore our faith and spiritual path is different. I believe our faith and spirituality is constantly open for expansion and growth and therefore we don’t have to follow certain rules just because someone said we should. We have to follow what our hearts say are for us and stay open to learning more and growing. Keep being you, doing you and believing what you believe in your heart is right lovely!

Lauren, thank you so much for taking the time to leave such a sweet comment your first time on the blog! That means a great deal to me, and I appreciate you opening up about your own heart. I never want to remain stagnant in any area of my life, and that caters to my spirituality as well. Hope you have a beautiful day, Lauren!

Dear Julia, I am anonymous reader of your blog. I have been thinking about you since reading of this transformation. Today, I am reading the comments to yesterday’s post, it is interesting to note that “college” seems to be a time of transformation for many. Why do you think this might be?

Indeed it is right to “own” your beliefs. I am much older and prior to the Internet, I went to the library with books and books surrounding me on the floor and read and read in history and otherwise- unrelated to religion to see if what I was being told was a “bill of goods”. Just from a historic point of view, I knew, from my research it was truth. I was just not ready to embrace it wholeheartedly. Fortunate for me, I was raised in a church that dealt with much of the history of Christianity, both good and bad (from the very beginning when there was no such thing called “Christianity”) – so I was not shocked but recognized the natural tendencies of us as humans and later I recognized the amazing love of God to us.

In the end of this quest for truth, I found that the Bible properly understood is truth. But how could I know? I didn’t just read the Bible but I studied it for hours on end. I did not take anyone’s word for it. I asked God to help and I dug in. Not my parents, my pastor, my friends who did not believe or my friends who did believe, my mentors – no one! I knew that I was too impressionable but I could know.

My “motherly” counsel to you is to be careful to not jump from ditch to ditch- meaning accepting what your teachers told you pre-college or in a more sophisticated way in-college. Study, don’t just read, or hear. Study deeply find good corroborating evidence before believing. It is remarkable that 40 + writers over almost 2000 years have the same message – and then what about the prophecies such as in Daniel hundreds of years before they happen. How is that? Is that hogwash? To be intellectually honest, we must have a real answer. Believe me, it takes time. It is exciting that you are doing religious studies, eh? You do have some time. ; ).

The beautiful thing is that though some don’t think Christianity is an intellectual religion. God asks us to “reason” with Him. Our educational system lends to us hearing or reading and accepting especially those who supposedly have more knowledge. Well have you ever just looked at the trends in psychology since the 1950s to today? The “experts” said so many varying and opposing things that if we took them all in, well, we would have to see a “shrink” just over the plethora of information that we would have to sort ; ) . Who or what is right ? Same with child rearing and I am certain your head has taken a swim from time to time with the varying “expert” advice for ED.

I encourage you as you continue this path to be your own woman and continue to use that beautiful mind you have been blessed with to not stop until you are absolutely certain of that which is truth. Blessings and love!

Thank you so much for your honesty with both your readers and yourSELF. That is so important in finding the truth. I am definitely a cradle Catholic—I only ever remember growing up in a Catholic family who instilled and expected me to follow Catholic teaching. I swallowed it and accepted it all without really understanding why. It wasn’t until I messed up (or at least, realized I messed up) that I started seeking truth. Coming to college has also forced me to question my faith and look at it objectively. It’s so important to talk to others of different faiths (or lack thereof). It’s not a bad thing to have doubts or to be confused. The search is truly what makes finding truth all the more exciting and beautiful. Praying for you, girl. I love you so much, Julia. ♥︎ I am here for you always.

Alison, I was hoping you’d chime in with your thoughts here. I actually was super nervous about what you’d say because I admire you so much, but you’re so sweet. Thank you for your wonderful comment of support and encouragement. You are a big blessing in my life.

Julia! I’m so glad you posted this. It’s your blog, you should be comfortable expressing how you feel about religion! I had a very similar experience as you in that I was raised in a Christian (Catholic) home and I graduated from catholic elementary and high school. In college I took many religious courses (I minored in religious studies) and in those courses I found myself feeling completely inept in knowledge about my OWN religion (wtf!); it’s crazy how 14 years of a Catholic education taught me so little about the Christian Faith. In college I completely lost faith and identified as an agnostic, not really sure what to believe anymore. However, since graduating I realized that not only are there thousands of Christian sects, but that each INDIVIDUAL Christian is different- their God is personal to them & so are their belies. I realized I could be a Christian, believe in J.C. as my Savior, but still believe in and stand for things that my church does not (equal rights for same-sex couples, for example.. My church says it’s a sin but I say love is love). Anyway- I guess I posted this because, when I was in college, the history of Christianity greatly impacted my ability to identify myself with that religion, as it seems to have impacted you; a lot of things about the church were not, and are not, perfect. And the church is still persecuted, and persecutory, today.

But God is still God, and history proves that there really was a Jesus who was crucified on the cross. Whether or not you believe He died for our sins is up to you. I’m also not saying this to sway you! I think it’s important for people to take their own journeys and find out what religion (if any) works for them.

I would just advise you to go with your gut, your heart; forget about the history. Everything and everybody has a history, and most people have a history that they’re not proud of.. but that doesn’t mean you give up on them, or choose not to like them because of their past. 😃

Thank you Abbie! I appreciate you opening up about your personal evolution of faith. Right now I’m in the thick of discovering the history and what it means to yourself, but I really appreciate that final sentiment you shared about I myself having a past, but whether that defines me or not. As of right now, I still believe there is *something* out there, but I really can’t see it in the light that the church has set it out to be right now. But I’m open to any direction my heart takes me. 🙂

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Hi there! I am Julia: a 20-something gal starting over in a new city all by myself. Follow along as I make my way through San Diego, college, and life in general! Mental Health is the main priority here, but I also like to chat about fashion, running, and decadent food. Goats excite me; bananas satisfy me; books enrich me. I hope you stay for the ride as I battle my way through struggles and enjoy the pleasures of life provided for me by this uniquely complex world.

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