The title of the first episode of the third season of Steven Moffat's "Sherlock" will be "The Empty Hearse," a play on the The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes and the Empty House (via Collider). The episode should explain (spoiler)

HOW THE HELL SHERLOCK SURVIVED THAT FALL WHEN THERE WAS CLEARLY A DEAD AND CRUMPLED BODY ON THE GROUND. THERE'S NO WAY. THERE'S JUST NO WAY.

(end spoiler)

I feel like this is something that we've already mentioned, but I can find no sign of it, so you should all know that Christian Bale may soon exchange his bat cowl for ... whatever it is that Moses wore. Stone tablets and a robe? He's in talks to star in the film from director Ridley Scott. Steve Zaillian is reworking the script.

The long-gestating The Man from U.N.C.L.E., which once had Steven Soderbergh at the helm, but now has Guy Ritchie in the director's chair, is apparently eyeingTom Cruise for the lead because, er, people still like him in Europe. The film is based on a 1960's television series The original TV series starring h Robert Vaughan and David McCallum who played Napoleon Solo and Illya Kuryakin, two agents of the United Network Command for Law Enforcement. Way to stretch those acting muscles, Tom.

Warner Brothers has bought the rights to the forthcoming book Bunker Hill: A City, A Siege, A Revolution, a book by Nathaniel Philbrick. Because it is Boston-set, Ben Affleck's name has obviously become attached to the film about the Battle of Bunker Hill. Affleck may or may not be aware of this, but I'm sure Mark Wahlberg is pissed that he wasn't asked to star in it first. Come to think of it, given that they are the same age and from the same metro area, it is a little odd that Wahlberg and Affleck haven't worked together before, but maybe this explains it.

Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters was not a very good movie, and it only made $54 million in the United States, but because it made over $200 million internationally, Paramount has obviously seen fit to develop a sequel.

Speaking of bad ideas, Joel Silver has decided to reboot Escape from New York. I wouldn't worry too much about it,, though. I feel like this is probably the 10th time someone has decided to reboot or sequalize Escape from New York in the past five years, and so far, it has never materialized.

We have mentioned Seth MacFarlane's Western, A Million Days to Die in the West, which has already signed on Charlize Theron, Liam Neeson, Amanda Seyfried, and Giovanni Ribisi. Now Sarah Silverman has joined the cast as a prostitute who refuses to have sex with her fiance (Ribisi) until they are married because she's a good Christian and believes in that sort of thing. MacFarlane's film, according to THR, follows "a cowardly sheep farmer (MacFarlane) who chickens out of a gunfight and sees his girlfriend (Seyfried) leave him for another man. When a mysterious woman (Theron) rides into town, she helps him find his courage. But when her outlaw husband (Neeson) arrives seeking revenge, the farmer must put his newfound courage to the test."

Finally, the only reason in the world to own MTV is "Awkward," their splendid, hilarious, and brilliant coming-of-age show that will soon be entering its third season. Here's the trailer.

In what world is Charlize Theron in a Seth MacFarlane movie? She is light years out of his league.

Sara_Tonin00

It makes sense that one would not engage in a gunfight for Seyfried, but would for Theron.

What about the news about Amanda Peet and the Duplass Brothers HBO series?

Long_Pig_Tailorisnotloggedin

Sherlock killed the doppelganger Moriarty used to frame him for the kidnapping, then had Molly drop the corpse when he jumped (it's what he needed time from Moriarty for). Sherlock landed in the truck that pulled away immediately after the doppelganger hit the ground.

Moffat mentioned early theories missed Sherlock doing something out of character, of which there are two instances. He acted like he doubted himself with Molly, when in fact he was simply explaining how he was now a murderer and how that made him not what she thought he was. Second, he begged time from Moriarty for some kind of emotional moment, but really he was just buying time to text Molly to be ready to drop.

QED.

googergieger

Pshh. Wrong.

Clearly, Sherlock invented a clone machine and the real Sherlock is somewhere having sex with a bunch of hot dudes.

In this comic I drew...

Ian Fay

Agreed. The scene with the girl from the morgue where he asks her for help clearly implies that's a dead body being hucked off the roof, not Sherlock.

Long_Pig_Taolorisnotloggedin

Only not off the roof, from a floor below the vantage point of those likely watching. Sherlock jumps, disappears from their view, Molly drops the sec Sherlock falls past.

And strictly speaking, he may not be a murderer. Moriarty may have offed the impostor. But I lean towards Sherlock having done it.

mograph

Two words: "squash ball."

Long_Pig_Tailorisnotloggedin

Which isn't an explanation I have a problem with once we get a satisfactory method for taking the fall without dying or being obviously rigged with some safety mechanism. Personally, I think the ball is a red herring.

Long_Pig_Tailorisnotloggedin

The episode also notably spent time building up Sherlock's list of successes and, therefore, connections, making it believable that he could secretly hire a truck to be there to catch him, for example.

Long_Pi_Tailorisnotloggedin

And of course, he cyclist who hit John was also involved, so that John wouldn't arrive quickly or clear-headed enough to try and Sherlock the whole scene. It only becomes clever once the truck is safely away, after all.

Cazadora

A million "days" or a million "ways"? A sci fi plot description for "days" would probably be far more interesting than the one for "ways."

Fluffy Duvet

A million days would be almost 3000 years.

Also, it was (illogically) "United Network Command for Law *and* Enforcement"

kilmo

Uggh, Tamara is the worst, though I am glad she got rid of Ricky.

Actually, this show probably has the most realistic looking teens on tv. Also, Secrets of an American teenager and Teen Wolf. 2 of these shows are actually good.

So, Jenna did go on summer exchange? I thought she didn't go for Matty.

VonnegutSlut

Why don't we just go ahead and have Michael Bay remake "Big Trouble in Little China" while we are shitting all over Kurt Russell's classics?

Cue the righteous strokes.

Fabius_Maximus

Righteous strokes?

Nah, I'm waiting for TK to appear behind you in a puff of smoke, grab you, and make you disappear forever.

TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

Shia would make an excellent Jack. We could get Jaden Smith for Wang Chi due to his karate skillz and round the quad out with Selena Gomez as Gracie and Jackie Chan as Egg Shen.

Hmmm, who to play Lo Pan? I know! Tom motherfucking Cruise! He does Asian good. Don't tell me you haven't seen The Last Samurai.

VonnegutSlut

HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET A TRANSCRIPT OF BAY'S PRE-PRODUCTION MEETING?!?!?!?!

Green Lantern

OMG VS, how could you even JOKE about such a thing. HOW?

Laura

As long as no one tries to remake Overboard I will be OK.

VonnegutSlut

Too late: there's rumblings of an Overboard remake in the pipeline with anyone from Jennifer Lopez to the Rainbow Killer herself, Katherine Heigl, attached. Sorry to ruin your day.

P.S. I've also heard that Heigl is attached to the Romancing the Stone remake with her in the Kathleen Turner role & Gerard Butler playing Jack T. Colton. GAH! But then again, I've also heard that Butler was being kicked around to play Snake Plissken in one of the many Escape remake rumors.

So we've come full circle. I'm exhausted and terrified and angry. I'll just be in the corner tucked into the fetal position.

Escape from New York is the Highlander. There can be only one Escape from New York. If another one were to come along the original would slay it in its place immediately and erase it from historical record. And rightfully so. If it ain't got Isaac Hayes in it, it ain't Escape.