How To Maintain A Long-Term Relationship

How To Keep Her Happy When You're In It For The Long Haul

My family is very old school. Especially where gender roles are concerned. My mother and father have been married for almost 40 years. I’m guessing they’re generally happy (either one could have ended it years ago), but the majority of the time they are either fighting or making up.

This is actually leading to problems with my own dating life. Obviously I want my parents to like my girlfriend, but it feels like they always have a problem with whoever I date, and usually for the most ridiculous reasons: “She doesn’t cook, she spends too much time with her cell phone in her hand, she comes from a weird family, she’s not affectionate enough with other people, she’s always trying to run your life.” These are just some of the complaints my parents have filed against numerous girlfriends. At first, I listened to their opinion because they’re my parents and I value their judgment, but suddenly it feels like they’re going to have an issue with whoever I date.

My father is much worse than my mother because of his approach to women. He’s always saying how I should maintain the upper hand and that I can’t treat women too well because they’ll walk all over me. I sometimes see his point because I’ve been hurt in the past, but I read your website all of the time and know that this can’t be the best idea.

Thanks,

Confused Carl

Dear Carl,

There is one word you used to describe this situation that hit the nail on the head — old. This is a very old-fashioned way of thinking about gender roles in a relationship. Luckily, you were smart enough to realize this pattern of thinking isn’t going to land you in a healthy relationship.

First, let’s discuss your parents' relationship. Longevity doesn’t equal success. Just because they’ve been in a marriage lasting three decades doesn’t mean it’s been a strong, healthy companionship for all those years. Every marriage has bumpy moments, but the relationship your parents share doesn’t sound like it’s very solid. Many couples of older generations tend to stay together “just because” — often religious or personal beliefs against divorce — so you’re right in thinking your parents might not be the best example of a happy life.

But this isn’t an article about what’s wrong with your parents, it’s about the relationships in your past and in your future. While you can’t do anything about the past, you can change things in the future, and the only way to do that is to adopt a set of rules for how to treat every woman.

While there are countless ways to show a woman respect, there are three key ways that we want to focus on for our answer: