I wanted to share with you a letter I penned recently on the subject of Email.

Dear Mr Email,

I wanted to thank you for the excellent level of service you have been providing me with over the last few months. I have heard several of your customers complaining about unwanted or inappropriate emails arriving, but I must say, I have always been delighted with the quality and variety of the correspondence sent to me.

The offers I receive seem so well-suited to my situation. I perceive that you take great care in the selection of emails for me, and the time you must put into this endeavor is impressive, given that I often receive over one hundred emails in a day. I rarely have time to read more than the subject lines, as I find my life too busy to respond to your emails, but nonetheless, I am delighted to know that should time and energy allow, I have a formidable source of positive and enriching activities and items to select from.

So ignore the ungrateful complainants - I, for one, am a highly satisfied customer, and I wish you the best of success in your future business.

Yours sincerely,

Apollo, a happy customer, Mount Olympus

You see, these lovely people really have been sending me some splendid messages. The following are just a selection of today’s subject lines. As mentioned above, I don’t have time to read the content, but I file them all carefully – it’s nice to know that they’re there if I want to read them later.

“Watch your thing getting bigger day by day”
This is about my trust fund, I think.

“Some more inches for your enjoyment”
Well, this is going to be about rulers, of course. I actually have quite an interesting collection of rulers, as it happens. I’ve kept all of mine (mostly broken) from my school years.

“Your friends will envy your new male package”
They certainly will. I've just upgraded Outlook, and they're very impressed with its capabilities! I had to laugh at this one – do you see the typo? “male” instead of “mail”. Even Mr Email makes mistakes sometimes!

“All natural growth of your Willy”
Do you know, this one actually baffles me. I wondered if it was about my new puppy, who is certainly growing quite quickly, but her name is Delilah.

“Venture to become a super-lover in 2008”
This is great. I love to love. Love makes the world go round. I think there is a great deal of worthwhile information in these spiritual self-help publications.

“She will always be hungry for your new big sausage.”
Delilah again. She just loves that salami.

“Turn your soldier boy into a great General”
That shows more than superficial care, I think. They’re genuinely interested in my family’s careers and advancement. I appreciate that. I really do. I’ve never felt the urge personally to join the army, but it’s warming to know that if I did, there are people with information and support to help me progress to maximize my potential.

“Quality classic ti--"
Wait. This isn’t right. I don’t believe it!

Dear Mr Email,

I was horrified today to receive filth such as I have never imagined. You sent an email with a subject line offering a "quality classic timepiece" and I found this offensive object shortly after lunch while browsing my Inbox. I did not read the content. I did not need to. A piece with time? Quality? Classic? If you don't think I'm aware that this is some kind of flimsy euphemism for a high-class escort, you must believe me to be naive indeed. I deleted without reading, but I can only imagine the appalling pornography inevitably contained in the body of the email. After years of excellent service, you have let me down horribly. I feel sickened, dirty and cheated. To think that just recently I supported your hard work and integrity to naysayers. Sir, you have lost a previously loyal and satisfied customer. I will be canceling my subscription to your email service immediately. For the sake of your future customers, may I suggest that you restrict your email offerings to those that lie within the normal bounds of decency and wholesomeness. Kindly do not contact me again.

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