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December 10, 2008

Today, after long days and weeks of marital meltdown, I found myself losing all resolve, dignity and self respect and threatening to blow my partner's job wide open with exposure of his extra-marital affair with a co-worker. I am raw, frightened angry and upset. Anyone on the outside might see how hurt and desperate I am..all he sees is a vicious angry vindictive bitch. perhaps I am...I don't think so..I want this to stop but I can't. it is like a road crash in slow motion...what can I do. If this was a film I would be screaming at the screen...but I seem hlepless to do anything but destroy everything around me. Why why why can't you walk away from this piece of shit? therein lies the dilemma..how do you hate and love at the same time?

I think must love him still to feel so hurt and angry...there is no other explanation..every argument leaves me wishing that he would take me in his arms and tell me it has been a big mistake..but I know it won't happen so i hurt and scream some more.

Perhaps if he could walk away and leave it clean as well. but he doesn't he keeps coming back to rub my face in it..I don't understand...I really need to thinkabout this..what is the hidden agenda? Does he love me or hate me...who is screaming 'hate' and 'deluded' at the screen right now?