04 April 2011

The European Tourist Trap Finals

In honor of tonight's NCAA men's basketball championship game, I present to you a different sort of bracket: the European Tourist Trap Finals, featuring head-to-head match-ups between the finest-slash-tawdriest the Old World has to offer. Click for the large version.

Here's a close-up of one of the regions:

Round-by-round recaps:

First round

Over in the Art (Or Something) Region,
two major favorites faced off in our very first match-up:
Michelangelo's David, always a solid contender, versus press darling Mona Lisa. All that recent attention must have gotten to Mona Lisa's
head, though, because she just couldn't stand up to the valiant war
hero, though it was a close match-up. Meanwhile, tabloid star
Manneken Pis had his way with oft-ridiculed Glockenspiel, making the
most of the crude-but-innovative form that got him here in the first
place.

Hofbrauhaus was the early favorite over
in Food & Booze, and it played the part in its first-round
challenge against Alt-Berliner Biersalon. This one was never
close—Hofbrauhaus just has a deeper bench and a huge advantage in
the intangibles: the tubas, the lederhosen, even the sports drinks.
Casa Botin also lived up to its reputation, stopping stuffy Parisian
comer Le Grand Colbert; this one turned pretty quickly into Death in
the Afternoon, as the Spaniard was unstoppable.

Among the Big Ol' Monuments, many
expected an impressive run from Checkpoint Charlie, on the strength
of having overcome so much adversity in recent years. The Colosseum
had other plans in mind, however, and showed off its gladiator spirit
in the win; it also seemed to be carrying the extra weight of an
entire city, as the Spanish Steps and Trevi Fountain both fell in
enormous upsets in earlier rounds. The Italians had less luck in the
other regional match-up, however, with Florence's Duomo falling to late French resistance
and the Eiffel Tower's deceptively intricate efforts.

Finally, in the Public Space Region,
Vienna's Prater couldn't take advantage of its towering star in
the middle—the rest of the team looked like a bunch of clowns and carnies,
to be honest—and fell hard to Montmartre. And in an intriguing
contest between two waterway-based public spaces, Amsterdam's Red Light
District made all kinds of questionable decisions, basically rolling
right over and submitting to Venice's Grand Canal.

Second Round

The action resumed with a classic
David-versus-Urinating-Toddler contest. Advantage: the Wee Whizzer, Manneken Pis, although he had continued foul trouble throughout. In a huge upset,
Casa Botin beat out Hofbrauhaus, which many had expected to go all
the way. Casa Botin credits its age and experience, as well as its
cuchinillos. The monument
showdown featured two of the biggest names out there, with the
Colosseum cracking quite a bit as time wore on but barely eking out
the victory over the Eiffel Tower, which too many times squandered
its height advantage by failing to elevate quickly. Montmartre
continued its strong run, and though its match-up with the Grand
Canal featured several highlight-reel shots,
the Parisians had the upper hand.

Semi-Finals

Man-oh-Manneken
Pis!! The “irreverent little chap” just kept surprising us with
his cheeky play and jaw-dropping creativity and ability to do
anything and everything—this kid seems to wear all kinds of hats,
and wear them well. Casa Botin superfan Ernest Hemingway had to be
escorted from the premises mid-way through the competition for
reasons unknown. Solid-but-not-flashy Montmartre kept doing well for
itself in the other semifinal, showing off its own spunk and standing
proud like a quiet but sacred city on a hill. A powerful showing.

FinalParisian stalwart Montmartre had the best stuff in the end, starting with a solid foundation, a great outlook, and overwhelming crowd support. Manneken Pis ran out of his supply of tricks, but returns a hero
nonetheless. He'll be back, no doubt, although someone really needs to help him fix his dribbling problems.

On that note, thank you all for being a part of this amazing competition, and we'll see you next time on the beaten path!

My first book was Europe on Five Wrong Turns a Day(Perigee Books/Penguin, 2012), a travel memoir about my attempt to tour Europe guided only by a 1963 copy of the guidebook Europe on Five Dollars a Day. This blog has its roots in that trip, and if you dig back to the 2009 archives, you'll find my posts from the road.

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