Rage is my Superpower

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Rage can work in a vicious cycle, destroying you & wearing you down, or you can turn its strength inwards, creating a virtuous cycle. Allow me to explain….

My rage is a supernova, an illogical, overwhelming roar of emotion that burns outwards, searing anything logical or calm in its path. Fighting and scratching from my emotional corner, I feel like I have little control over it.

This then sucks itself inwards into a fiery ball of heat, to burn itself out gently.

However, understanding my triggers, and turning my ‘ball of fire’ into productive energy has a two-fold effect: getting a LOT of work done, and distracting me from the initial reaction, which calms me down. I’ll hold my hands up and admit that doing a root-cause analysis on the cause of my rage can (& does) send me into paroxysms of panic & anxiety, with a full-blown case of hives. I just don’t want to go there. The analysis will probably be best explored in stages, at some later date, because there’s no real reason to hyperventilate noxious fumes of rage because my hand baggage which should have been waiting at the foot of the gangway is now going round on a carousel in the terminal, potentially adding another five minutes to my journey time and throwing my careful plan to exit the airport in one piece to the winds, right? Doing my Rumpelstiltskin-after-the-queen-guesses-his-name dance was all part of the routine, folks. Nothing to see here. Move along.

Or I could just accept I have chronic anxiety. I am hyper-aware of the environment I’m in at any given point, treating every situation like a potentially hostile encounter. My husband once asked me what it was like to live without a filter, to feel, see & hear everything, to notice every detail. It is sensory overload. It is absolutely exhausting. It’s why something small can completely tip the fragile balance I establish every day.

But I still say I’m lucky & blessed. I have a husband and child who try to understand, and accept my fragility. Who respect my triggers. Who give me space when I need it. They let me cry. Storm around a bit doing the Rumpelstiltskin dance. And then gently remind me, in order of priority, it’s just a bag. And we have insurance.

For me, rage was a counterproductive and irrational emotion that I inherited from a family member. I was not able to channel mine, and so over many years (and with many slip ups) I learned to sense it coming and deflect it. It certainly does help to have understanding people in your inner circle! Great balls of fire- love that!

My husband will cheerfully remind me that our first year of being together was me shouting a lot. I think my rage came from feeling unheard. He convinced me he was listening, and that helped calm me. A lot. He still listens 🙂

Great post!
I love it!
How it feels to me? Like the burden of knowledge and worry is hanging around my neck like a noose! How pleasant it must be for others to go through life without noticing, fearing, worrying, predicting… But then, hyper-realization does have its perks. Like creation.

Support in your circle is so important. My husband has yet to understand a thing about my struggle with depression and just trying to not lose my mind completely. Mental health is just hard for some to understand. Especially those who chose to keep themselves uneducated about it.

This was my husband’s view as well. It took a lot of explaining to make him realise that my mental health has an impact on the whole family. And I needed his support. He still has strong opinions about medication but he wisely keeps them to himself. 🙂

Yes, mine thinks that I shouldn’t be taking any medication yet when I tried to wean myself off he noticed the effects shortly after. People who don’t understand will never get the fact that our mind is not under our control all the time. It’s not like I “wanted” to be like this.