Joke of the day

Every man needs a go-to joke.

Monday

Joke
N°
5063

Optimist vs. Pessimist
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly. "Why are you crying?" the father asked.
"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken," answered the pessimist.
Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure: "What are you so happy about?" he asked.
The optimist replied: "There has to be a pony in here somewhere!" Ryan Murphy

Tuesday

Joke
N°
5064

Redneck Logic
Two rednecks, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favorite bar drinking beer. Larry turns to Doug and says: “I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes.” Doug thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: math, English, history, and logic. “Logic,” Larry says: “What's that?”
The dean says: “I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?”
“Yeah,” Larry replies.
“Then, logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard,” the Dean explains.
“That's true, I do have a yard,” Larry says.
“I'm not done,” the Dean says: “Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.”
“Yes, I do have a house,” Larry says.
“And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family,” the Dean continues.
“Yes, I have a family,” Larry replies.
“I'm not done yet,” the Dean says: “Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.”
“I am a heterosexual!” Larry exclaims: “That's amazing. You were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.”
Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug that he signed up for math, English, history, and logic.
“Logic?” Doug says: “What's that?”
Larry says: “I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?”
“No,” Doug replies.
“Then you're a queer!” Ryan Murphy

Wednesday

Joke
N°
5065

Viagra
A woman goes to the drugstore and asks the pharmacist: "Can you tell me about Viagra?"
"What would you like to know," the pharmacist asks.
"What does it do?" the woman asks.
"Well, when I take it, it enhances my libido and prolongs my erection," the pharmacist says.
"Can you get it over the counter?" the woman asks.
"Yes," the pharmacist replies: "but I'd probably need two pills for that." Ryan Murphy

Thursday

Joke
N°
5066

Library Visit
A guy visits a library and approaches the desk.
“Excuse me,” he says: “Do you have the new self-help book for men with small dicks?”
The librarian replies: “No, it’s not in yet.”
“Yep, that’s the one,” says the man. Ryan Murphy

Friday

Joke
N°
5067

Psychic Hotline
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says: "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic: "Next semester, in her biology class." Ryan Murphy

Saturday

Joke
N°
5068

Shared Accommodations
A businessman comes into town and finds that the hotels are booked solid. Finally, one clerk says: "I have one room with two beds. I'm sure the other guy wouldn't mind splitting the bill."
The businessman says: "I'll take it!"
"Wait a minute," the clerk says: "This guy snores really loud. In fact, the other guests have complained about it."
The businessman says: "It doesn't matter. I'll take it."
The next morning, the clerk asks him how he slept. The businessman says: "I slept fine, the whole night through."
The clerk asks: "Didn't the snoring bother you?"
The businessman says: "No, when I walked into the room, the other guy was snoring, so I bent over and kissed him on the cheek, and said 'goodnight, beautiful.' Then he stayed up all night just watching me." Ryan Murphy