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About brandonzequera

I'm Brandon Zequera, 23 years old, and I headline my own band: Brandon Zequera. I have two CDs released already and am pretty popular in Canada right now. Just got back from a few tours there. I'd be more popular, but my label totally screwed me over, and that's why I'm not huge in the US. And why I don't have a checking account yet. But I'll get big soon. Not that I care.

I’ve been on a few dating sites recently, and they are AWESOME! I used to be like you. I thought, “Online dating? Are you serious? That’s for losers, fatties, and people who own computers.” And we all know that only geeks own computers.

But one day while I was on tour performing at the Bikini Bar in Jefferson Town, I got bored, went to the internet café next door, and tried it out. Now I’m hooked. Now I can have girlfriends all over the country without the trouble of actually driving or flying anywhere.

But in order for it to work, I’ve discovered you’ve got to have the right profile picture. You could send out a hundred messages saying “Hey, ‘sup?” or something else clever like that and get completely ignored if your picture doesn’t catch her attention. In some cases, the wrong pic can even get your profile deleted.

So here are some tips on picking the best dating profile pic to help maximize your honey pot.

Guys Guide to taking the best dating profile picture

Wear a shirt, don’t go topless.
First off, dude, I know your first thought is, “I love it when ladies post pics with their shirts off, so I’ll just post a picture with my shirt off and let the ladies come to ME.” It makes total sense, but for some reason it doesn’t work. Keep your shirt on. Try flexing if you’re worried she won’t see how buff you are, but don’t make it look like you’re flexing. That’s trying too hard. Girls don’t want you to try hard.

This doesn’t count, either. Leave a little to the imagination, guys.

Don’t post a party pic
Party pics are bad, too. Even though you like the pic because it was the greatest night of your life that you can’t remember, it makes you look like a party animal. Girls would rather you stayed in to cuddle and watch Breaking Amish with them on TV, not party. So stay away from the party image.

This pic will not get you any action.

Pose with an animal
You want to do something that will melt her soft, overly-emotional female heart, so pose with a dog or other respectable manimal. No cats, birds, or gerbils. No snakes, either, that’s creepy. And always do it in moderation. One dog = caring gentleman. Half-dozen dogs = psycho person.

Aw! He’s loving and caring! Why not, I’ll reply to his message…

Pose Playing a Guitar
My go-to guaranteed-to-score pic is me playing the guitar. Girls can’t resist a man with a guitar, it’s a proven fact. It’s in their genes or something. Even if you don’t play, take a picture of you posing with a guitar. The beauty of online dating is that you can lie and she can’t call you out on it.

Trust me, you want to be that guy.

Show You’re a Take Charge Kinda Guy
If you’re the “I have a job” type, take a pic of yourself giving a lecture or speech, in a suit talking on your cell phone doing “business” things, or pointing in any direction while people look at what you’re pointing at. Girls like power and confidence.

Yup, that’ll work.

Look Off Into the Distance
Look away from the camera as if you’re deep in thought, Obama style. Another option is to look down as though you’ve been hurt by someone but don’t want to show it. That’s the “wounded” look that girls love.

Yea, that’s it. The wounded soul.

Location, Location, Location
A picture in a museum makes you look smart. One in an art gallery makes you look sophisticated. But be careful. A picture at a political rally makes it look like you take charge, but also makes you look like an opinionated a-hole who will talk for 30min about insurance reform or something gay like that.

I’m happy you care about stuff, but I’m not looking forward to listening to you whine about rich people, or having to post your bail. Stop crying.

The Right City
A picture in the right city can get you some instant inbox action. If the cities of the world were dudes, the dudes getting all the ladies would be Paris and New York. San Fran would be her Gay Best Friend, and Seattle would be her best guy friend who would do anything for her but she’ll never see you as anything more than a friend. So try to get pics in NY or Paris if you can.

But the coup de grace is a pic in a third world country helping poor African or middle eastern children. It makes you look adventurous, caring, motivated, socially conscious, and selfless yet tough, daring, and manly all at the same time. I had a friend Photoshop me into one and it has been paying off in spades.

This has gotten me a lot of girls. You can’t even tell it was photoshopped.

Pose with Other People
Ditch your ugly friends. Pose with a group of good-looking people. Photo bomb a bunch of models if you have to. It’s a scientific fact that surrounding yourself with attractive people makes you look more attractive. Just make sure you don’t pose with people who are WAY more attractive than you, or your ugliness will stand out and it will backfire. Example, if you’re a 6 on the scale, pose with your 8- or 9-level friends. If you’re a 2, pose with average looking friends. You’ll look less hideous.

The rules don’t apply when posing with girls, though. The hotter the group of girls you pose with, the better, even if you’re super ugly. Just make sure it’s more than one girl, or an interested chick might mistake her for your girlfriend. And you don’t want your girlfriend getting in the way of your online dating fun.

Well done, my attractive, desirable friend. I salute you.

Do Something Active

You don’t even want to know how much action this guy scored with this single picture.

‘Nuff said.

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And that’s it! Good luck, guys. Remember, online dating might seem geeky, but it’s the fastest and easiest way to lie your way into the bedroom of the picture of that girl you want to sleep with. Like shooting fish in a barrel of Jello.

What is going on?! Hot girls are supposed to dress slutty on Halloween, not wear clever, thought-out DIY costumes! What’s the deal?

I look forward to Halloween every year. It’s a grand tradition that allows straight guys to dress in drag, tolerant people to wear blackface, and classy girls to whore it up. What’s that, you’re a cat? Oh sorry, I wasn’t looking at your cat ears…

But this year, instead of watching a parade of slutty girls dressed in next to nothing pretending they’re only slutty on Halloween and not all the other days of the year, I saw way too many girls in “clever” or “ironic” costumes that weren’t sexy at all. And I’m pissed. Here are a few examples:

Some girls make me wish I had eight hands. This is not one of those girls.

Bacon and eggs? I’m looking for eye candy, not a Hot or Not reject and a dog that looks like it’s having a stroke.

Gum-underneath-a-shoe? Talk to me when you’re sexy gum-under-shoe.

Pinterest, really? That’s your costume? She’s probably a lesbian.

These Scooby Doo girls are trying to solve the mystery of their missing hotness. They may never solve it.

Go Go Gadget ugly!

I’d rather not do it.

Pixelated girl, how am I supposed to ogle you when you’re at a worse resolution than the pixelated strippers from the 90s Duke Nuken?

This was great until I realized she was dressing up like Lindsay Bluth and Tobias Funke from Arrested Development. Thanks for ruining the show for me.

Oh mighty Zoltar, can you please tell me where I can find a girl with a self worth based on getting attention from men and who has had one too many shots?

I can tell she used to be hot before she had that baby. And that costume isn’t doing you any favors.

Ah! Baby-hungry chick who says I’m the father! Now THIS is a scary Halloween costume.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a fantasy involving Flo from those Progressive commercials rolling around in a whole lot of insurance forms. But this costume ruined that fantasy forever.

So here’s to hoping this clever costume thing is just a fad and we can all go back to the grand old Halloween tradition of treating girls like our own personal pleasure parade. Anything else is just plain wrong.

Did anyone see the leaves yesterday?! I was like, “Whoa! These leaves are incredible!” I mean, normally in the fall the leaves fall and…oh [snap]*, that’s why they call it fall, huh?! My mind just got blown…anyways, normally when the leaves fall, they are and orange and yellow and pink and stuff, but this time things were, like, waaaaaay different. Here, I took pictures.

Huh, that’s weird, this one looks different than I remember. When I took this, I swear that out of the red and green blending colors there was a dragon head spitting fire at me and speaking a language I couldn’t understand, but now it just looks like a normal, boring leaf. I’m not sure what happened.

Ok, this is totally NOT the leaf I took a picture of. The leaf I remember had just fallen into a puddle, and when it did, it created these rolling waves of incredible colors, colors that I didn’t even know existed, that gradually turned from water into hot dog buns. It was so intense I wrote a song about it for my newest album and posted it to Facebook for all my fans to listen to.

Now I’m [super]* [not happy]*! When I picked this one up, it was a baby yellow dwarf magician leaf that was separated from his family, and he said if I helped him get back to his home in the sky, he would grant me a a single wish. I spent nearly an hour trying to climb that [darn]* tree for him, and now the magic wand I wished for isn’t even working. And the pic I took of his castle just looks like a cloud! I’m way confused.

Oh good, this pic looks normal. This is a leaf with a city of translucent minifish living on top of it. I’m glad that turned out and that I caught it before it changed into a toad and hopped away.

I’m [super]* pissed the rest didn’t turn out. This is like the chupacabra thing all over again.

So you know when you’re stuck at a crappy party. But you can’t just leave or you’ll insult the host or make things even more awkward. So as a follow-up to Ashleigh’s latest post, I thought I’d share some ideas on how to escape once you find yourself stuck in a crappy party.

Don’t use the grandpa/uncle/mom/etc had an emergency excuse. It’s played and people will know you’re lying. Try some of these instead:

10 Ways to get out of a bad party

Look up dramatically into an upper corner of the room. When asked what you’re doing, say, “Somewhere in the city, a crime is being committed.” Then leave out the window while beginning to unbutton your shirt.

Offer to show everyone your “hilarious” impression of someone going in rewind, and then reenact the party in reverse all the way out the door. Don’t return.

Take the last thing someone boring says in a conversation, and say, “That’s what my father told me…just before he died.” Let the awkward moment sit for a while, then excuse yourself and walk out the door.

While in a conversation, stare at someone behind your back intensely. When the people in the conversation ask what you’re looking at say, “We’re being followed,” then dart out of the room.

Feed the dog chocolate, then offer to rush it to the vet when it gets sick.

If you’re a chick, play the “Period” card.

If you’re a dude, play the “My Girlfriend’s on her Period” card.

If there’s an old guy at the party, talk to him alone for a few minutes. Doesn’t matter what it’s about. Then come back looking shaken and tell the group that you just talked to your future self, and he said you had to leave the party immediately or face “dire consequences for future us.”

At any point during a conversation, put your finger to your ear as though listening intently, then say, “Ten-four. The package is on the move. The badger wants his honey.” Then run out of the room while reaching into your jacket pocket for a “weapon.”

Show up in your underwear, then say, “Aw man, not this dream again!” Then exit.

Hope this helps. And here’s a bonus. Can’t leave the party? Have the party leave you instead.

Five Ways to Empty a Party

Respond with “That’s what she said” to everything any guests says to or around you.

Maybe my phone is just broken, because I know for SURE that February only has 28 days. I remember because it’s black history month and my friend made a totally smart joke that white people gave black people the shortest month of the year, and at first I laughed, but then it made me think, and then I wrote a song about racial injustice because I totally get it now, and am totally against the government being unfair to blacks and gays and school teachers and all that. And corporations suck.

I’m getting sidetracked. So anyways…February 29th? Not possible. Then I realized what was happening. I was being Inception’ed.

You know, like the movie with Leonardo DiCapro where he goes into peoples’ heads and makes them dream stuff and puts ideas into their head? That’s what’s going on. And they were very thorough in recreating my reality for this dream: my curtains, my sheets, the couch I stole from my ex-girlfriend’s boyfriend with the mystery stain on the side, they even knew the exact negative balance in my checking account and that I don’t actually own any underwear. Someone did their homework. But looks like they missed one obvious detail with the calendar.

I can’t fly, there are no girls in bikini’s with huge boobs feeding me things dipped in hummus, I don’t have X-Men Wolverine claws that play bad-a music when I stab people, and there are only 3 comments on my article about how to subtly tell your girlfriend she’s getting fat. Someone apparently is “subtly” telling me I suck through my dreams (see the word play I just did there? I’m smart than you think, dream invaders…). If I were controlling this dream, all of those things would definitely be present.

So, someone is trying to steal things from my mind. Probably my music and poems. Well, they are going to fail. I have a dream catcher above my bed, and I’m determined not to open any safes or learn anything new at all today.

I know I just posted and all, and don’t want to be one of those computer nerds who sit around playing World of Warcraft and trying to find naked girls on Chat Roulette all day, but I accidentally saw the news this morning and learned that that one Korean lesbian chick Kim Jong Il is dead, and I was like, whoa.

Kim Jong Il- Old Lesbian

Dude, this is big, right? Like, Kim wanted to blow up America because of how rich our country is and all the anti-gay stuff here but didn’t cuz she got old or whatever, and now her son Kim Jung Un (how do lesbos make kids?) is going to take over and he hates America even more and he’s young and has energy for some serious hating. Dude, I’m young, too, and if I had all that power and was raised with all that Anti-America I wouldn’t wait more than two seconds after being in power to push the “Nuke America” button.

Look, I’m not into communism or anything, but at least Kim wasn’t going to bomb us anytime soon, probably because women are more emotional and was probably going through menopause or something cuz she was old. Plus, she was a lesbian and they’re even MORE sensitive and emotional, right? Or is that just the gays?

Alright, dudes. I’ve been dating this girl lately, and she’s been getting a little fat (5 pounds in one month? Gross). Now all you guys out there know that this is a touchy subject for women, especially the fat ones, so I came up with a few ways to let her know subtly that she’s getting fat:

How to Subtly Tell Your Girlfriend She’s Getting Fat

1- After she orders anything, ask “You mean Diet, right?” even if she’s not ordering soda.
2- Hire someone to publicly call her fat in a really mean way, then comfort her when she comes crying to you, but do it without technically disagreeing with the assailant.
3- Buy her a subscription to a girl magazine: ANY girl magazine.
4- Groan like you’re carrying something really heavy anytime you pick up something she owns.
5- Pretend to suffocate a little when she gives you a hug.
6- Replace her normal mirror with one of those funhouse mirrors that will make her look REALLY fat.
7- Gradually decrease the width of the door frames in your home.
8- Hire a really skinny look-alike to be the “After” version of her.
9- Master the backhanded compliment: “You know honey, the girls in these magazines are skinny and beautiful, but I’d trade 4 or 5 of their waist-lines to be with you instead, any day. Gimme a kiss, baby.”
10- Pretend to suffocate a little when she kisses you.