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Happy Jon Lester day, everybody! Sorry, just practicing. That’s right! The most Lesterish of all the lefties is primed to attack opening day.You’re watching, right? Because apparently Lester’s father won’t be. And that’s a shame, because Lester’s a special, special guy, and I’m sure he’s sorry about Soxplosion, 2011. I’m sure he’s sorry and that I’ll be getting my apology letter any day now.

I’m expecting one from you too, DOUBRONT. I hate to judge games I didn’t physically watch… but REALLY? REALLY, FELIX?

And I didn’t forget about YOU, Melancon. I’m just… I can’t… I WILL GET TO YOU LATER. What really frightens me about you, Melancon? Is that Bobby V doesn’t seem to think you are horrible.

“Melancon outing? I thought he backed up the bases pretty well. He had that down,” said Valentine when asked about the reliever…

It absolutely fills me with a cold, hollow, trapped-in-a-well kind of fear when the managers think Lackey-esque performances back up bases “pretty well.” We saw it with Francona and Lackey. We saw it with Francona and Timlin. Need I remind anyone of a man named Lugo? Nearsightedness is a part of the aging process, Bobby V. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Just recognize it now and get some cool specs by April, k? They make prescription sunglasses and you could probably even get a fake nose and mustache for them.

Bobby V says he’s going to “sit down” and have a serious conversation about pitching. Um. Okay. Sure. I mean, I would have had that sit down, serious conversation about pitching while forming my rotation. You know. DURING THE OFFSEASON. But sure, with what, TWO FRICKING WEEKS to go before Opening Day? Sure. Let’s all just SIT DOWN now. You sure you don’t want to wait two weeks? Maybe discuss it over CHICKEN?

I’m okay. I’m okay. Totally over September. TOTALLY OVER IT.

I have said it before. I shall say it again. Right. Now. Aceves for rotation. Do it, Bobby V. DO IT. It’s not like we can…

Wait… what… wh… oh my God you guys… Could it… is it… DON’T TOY WITH ME, BOBBY. I have been hurt before. What’s that? Shining in the distance?

This is exactly like that early 90s cult classic, “the X-Files,” available now on Netflix.

Allow me to explain.

See, for those of you who were like, seven when this came out with mean parents who didn’t let you watch the X-Files because of “graphic content” and nightmares and stuff (and you don’t have Netflix. Because, if you have Netflix, I’m sure you’re already a “believer”), the X-files is about these two FBI agents. There’s a skeptic. Her name is Scully. She’s not relevant to my rambly metaphor. But I like her hair. And then there’s Mulder. See, Mulder, really WANTS TO BELIEVE in things like extraterrestrials and scifi stuff and an afterlife, right, because it gives his life’s mission purpose. It means there’s something out there that means something, see? Oh, and that his sister isn’t dead. But you can get a full explanation on that sideplot from wikipedia.

“I want to believe that the dead are not lost to us…”

Ahem.

Dice-K, I WANT TO BELIEVE in you, because that gives the 80 katrillion dollars and 17 gallons of tears I have shed for you a purpose. But I need evidence.

Much in the same way that, in season 2 of X-Files, Mulder needs EVIDENCE to continue his quest.

Can you tell what I was doing before I made Raleigh friends?

So see, Dice-K. You’re the aliens. We want to believe in you. But you’ve got to stop abducting people and just have a nationally televised conversation. And. You know. Pitch.

What do you think, Soxies? Do you believe in Dice-K? Or do you think we’re alone in the universe?

—

In other news, the media is really sorry about all that chicken sh#$ (see what I did there?) they spread in September and they’re trying to apologize by over compensating Lavarnway style. I appreciate the attempt to keep my cries of “VARITEK! WHYYYYY” at a minimum. But, seriously, Boston Globe. You don’t have to pander to me. All I need is time.

Some encouraging words about Jose… I mean, we didn’t win. But, apparently, he caught a cool ball. So that’s nice.

Oh, and the media, so astute they are, have decided to tell us all that Bobby V is not Terry Francona. Thanks, Yahoo Sports. What would I do without you in my life? I get you mixed up too, media. Like, just the other day, I was like, Why, Hello, Anderson Cooper! What are YOU doing in the booth? And then I realized it was Jerry Remy. You make THAT much sense, Yahoo Sports.

In conclusion, today was a sucky Red Sox day. Except for the bit about Lesterness.

So, comment, nation. Comment away. Doubront, or not to Doubront? Dice-K, or not to Dice-K? Aliens, or no aliens? Scully or Mulder?

It is 5:23. Apparently, I’m not good at floor sleeping. Everything is packed. Everything is in a box. Or stacked. Or piled. Or something. And the movers will be here in three hours. I’m supposed to go to work (last day! last day!) in 3.5 hours. 12 hours from that, I’m supposed to go to the bar. 12 hours from that, I drive to Raleigh to sign a lease. Monday- stuff arrives. Tuesday- Work starts. I think it’s only appropriate that I leave this place as stressed out as when I got here just over two years ago…

I’d love to sleep for an hour. And nothing puts me to sleep like the 11-12 offseason! I mean, Roy Oswalt: The Indecision! It’s like narcolepsy inducer. So, here are some news briefs. They’re more for me than you.

Yay! Jon Lester news! Jon Lester is in Fort Myers being a badass. I’m glad the media can finally get past Soxsplosion and actually report on something positive for a… oh.

Red Sox fans likely will never forget their team’s epic collapse in 2011.

It was bad enough that Boston blew a nine-game lead on the Rays for the wild card in September, missing the playoffs. But there also were reports of pitchers Jon Lester, John Lackey and Josh Beckett drinking beer and eating fried chicken in the clubhouse during games. Terry Francona, the ultimate players’ manager, supposedly lost the team, and then his job. Wonder boy general manager Theo Epstein would leave town, too, off to the Cubs.

Seriously??? THAT is how you open a Mike Aviles article? Thanks for the reminder, champ. Thanks.

However, during the debacle, there was also a rebirth. For the first time in a long time, Red Sox infielder Mike Aviles, a 1999 Middletown graduate, felt wanted.

He’s not going to cry, is he?

“I think Boston did wonders for me in only a short period of time,” said Aviles, who will report next week to Boston’s spring training facility in Fort Myers, Fla. “I was grateful for the opportunity Kansas City gave me. I had to scratch and claw for every at-bat in Kansas City, and I had to in Boston, too. But in Boston, it just seemed like they wanted me to play when I did. That makes a person feel wanted.

“It got to a point in Kansas City that I did everything I could, but it wasn’t good enough. Coming to Boston was a blessing in disguise.”

This is supposed to be hush-hush and on the deep down-low, but you know us. It’s time to pop the bubbly becauseKevin Youkilisand Tom Brady‘s sis, Julie, are engaged!

The happy couple, who spent Super Bowl week together with the Brady clan in Indy, got engaged “recently” after dating for at least a year, we’re told from a few F.O.Ys.

My feelings can best be expressed through the following clip:

I will NEVER go to sleep now. DAMNIT, Youkie.

Don’t put me through this AGAIN.

Maybe… Maybe it’s not serious. I mean, she lives in California, right?

In fact, the future Mrs. Youk, a schoolteacher, and her daughter, Jordan, 5, will move to Florida from California when the third baseman reports to spring training later this month.

NOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Seriously, Youk. What’s with you and Tom Brady’s sisters? First reports of NANCY. Now reports of JULIE? If my brother cried and botched games, would you love me? Because it can be arranged, sir. IT CAN BE ARRANGED.

Who- as I’ve said before- we shouldn’t just write off- despite the imaginary walker.

Not sure it’s safe to assume that his tenure with Boston is over. Even if they don’t sign him right now, what prevents them from bringing him back in May or June or even after the All-Star break if they need a starter? He could always be one of those half-season veteran pitchers.

That’s what I see for Tim. Tim’s a utility guy and a hero. He’s not the guy you parade around the mound for a milestone. He can still serve a purpose.

And every time we write him out- he comes back as a weapon.

Well, you know. Except for that one time. Okay, that several times over the summer.

But that wasn’t his fault, see. It was the number.

Numbers are scary beasts.

—

So. Here’s the deal, folks. Benny C is playing it… safe? Is that even the word for this? He’s certainly playing it oppositeville. Maybe he was hanging out with Michael Hill… they were playing chess, see, when all of a sudden… the board, it got struck by lightning, right? And their hair frizzed up. Oh! And then, something magical happened like that one time on Gilligan’s Island. They switched brains!!!!!

Or, maybe Benny C doesn’t know we have money.

Maybe he doesn’t read all the disparaging comments people make about how we’re moneybaggers and buy our championships and have a bazillion dollars.

Can we unLackey ourselves or something? I mean, it’s not like he can play…

I am so confuzzled by our pseudo-poverty.

So, in other words- this could be as good as it gets- at least for now.

Provided we have Aceves in our rotation- how do we stack up- right now- as of Jan. 17? Because I’m not feeling the rotation strength. The real people we’ll be counting on- Lester, Beckett, Buccholz- they couldn’t pull us out of a Soxplosion. And now they’re starring in our comeback tour? I’m not feeling the pep today, folks.

—-

In other news- it always hurts when someone moves on. You know the relationship is over. You say you’re fine. But it’s like that Gavin DeGraw song-

So, I’m starting this in the 6th inning. The last time I started a game in the 6th inning was horrible. That was yesterday. Yesterday was horrible.

Jon Lester. Jon Lester is today. TODAY.

And, if the 4-0 score is any indication, today is a GOOD day. One out.

——

GOOD DAY. THREE OUTS. GOOD FRICKING DAY.

—-

4-0. Pedroia doing his I-know-how-to-play-baseball (he forgot yesterday) trek to first. AND Second. Man on first. Man on second. Triple sexy. Welcome back, Gonz. Thanks for running to first base this time. See how much better things progress when we run?

—

Weird. They keep doing these crowd closeups. And no one looks invested. Are you seeing this? Everybody’s just like, eh… it’s a game. There’s no anger. No fire. Really, no Chicago hats. Oh. There’s one. Weirdness. It’s like body snatchers or something. They’re soulless out there.

Youkie strikes out.

As we’ve been pitching (let’s say hurling) lately, a four run lead seems scant.

Scant, I say.

Thanks-be-to-Lester.

Papi at the plate.

By the way, did you see THIS? Jeb sent me the latest proof that the Onion hates us.

Facing the cruel prospect of winning 200 grueling games in his interminable 19-season career, 44-year-old Red Sox pitcher Tim Wakefield tried to get a line drive to hit him in the head Friday to finally put an end to it all. “I didn’t throw [White Sox hitters] any knuckleballs because I wanted to make sure the ball had enough speed coming off the bat to shatter my skull,” said Wakefield, who lunged face-first at everything batted toward him.

Andddddddd…. strike out. Whatev.

—–

That was a sexy Youk catch. Catch. Throw. Kazaam. Out. Bottom of the 7th. One out.

So, I met a strange person that gave me a very strange idea today. I met a girl who… Okay, Whatever. Scut looked safe in THAT replay. Whatever. Okay. Story. Right. So, I met this very strange person…. ohmygodithoughtthatwasahomerunbutitwasapopout. Right. Three outs. Okay. Very strange person. She watches tv. A lot of tv. And is, apparently, quite dissatisfied with just an hour-long episode. She writes fan fiction. See, I knew that people did this with Star Wars (I dated a guy… there was a Wookie incident… don’t worry about it) but I was unaware people did this with, say “Friends.”

Weird, right?

But it gave me this idea. What would happen if we wrote baseball fan fiction? I mean, besides scoring 50,000 runs, I keep thinking about things I would insert into games. Drama. Plots. Side characters. Clearly, there would be some elicit scandal.

Orioles cry off the field after 47-0 shutout. What a great title for my fan fiction. I’ll work on it.

—-

It is the bottom of the 8th. One out.

Kevin Youkilis would be the star of my fan fiction.

Oh, and that homerun… the one that just made the score 5-2? That wouldn’t have happened. I might, however, keep the lame fireworks.

—-

And the eighth inning ends. And the 9th inning begins. And I’m distracted thinking about my fictional game where Yamaico runs on the field for a goodbye anthem.

It’s really great.

Oh, we just got on a base. Just one base. Because I’m not writing this game. 9th.

—-

You know what? I like watching games on mute.

—

And Adrian Gonzalez gets a homerun. Oh, that one was real. And the score is 7-2. Top of the 9th. Zero outs. That means no outs.

—-

Okay. If you are not watching this, you’re going to think this is fan fiction too: Kevin Youkilis just got his 15th season homerun.

See, you know I didn’t make that up, because if I made it up, it would be like 211th home run. 8-2, top of the 9th with Papi at the plate.

Oh. Wikipedia says he is from Vancouver. Which means he’s probably a fan of Maxim Lapierre. Ew.

—–

Ew. Do you think he will spread Canuck (the hockey team, not the Canadian stereotype) germs all over OUR Fenway Park?

—-

Oh. Hah. I self-corrected, FDA. Totally just read your comments.

Well… we need a pitcher…

—-

Okay. Man on first. Really???? I think it’s cruel to draw it out so, Wheeler.

—-

Wow. I am at 979 comments now. I have to start planning my super-amazing piece of artwork. Commenter number 1,000, you see, will be treated to a special marker drawing. I should really get more markers.

—-

Dear White Sox,

The pinstripes are still a bit much for me.

Re-evaluate.

Thanks,

Lauren

—–

Oh, look. One on first. One on second. I’m sorry. One on second. One on third. Oh look.

I’d be concerned, really, I would. But it is 10-3. I’m just slightly bemused that you’re doing this to them, Dan. It’s like… beating a dead horse? Ew.

THIS article says Navarro was projected as a third baseman. Good. I’m glad he’s leaving then. GOOD. You heard me.

So much drama.

What are your thoughts on trades/Youkilis’ beard/the Pink Sox series? You know. The important things.

~L

PS- As indicated in the comments, TOOSOXY correspondent FDA will be at next Wednesday’s Wake-fest. 200. It’s going to happen.

SOOOOOOO The rest of this is pretty much in response to FDA comments. Which I’m sure you care about extensively. So I thought I’d let you know to increase your attention and focus.

All the comments! FDA, that’s why you were promoted to correspondent! Keep up!

Some Canadians play baseball. Um. Toronto. It’s very cold there.

No. I don’t pay people.

I like Canada. I really like Vancouver (as a place). They have orca whales. Did you know that, FDA? Orca whales. Which is great. And baseball is great. So. Um. Logically…

You never know, FDA. Maybe he can be converted. It happens. And maybe he’s not a Canucks fan. Maybe… um. Maybe he likes something totally random. Like the Ducks. For no reason. It could be a personality quirk. Sort of endearing in an awkward irrelevant way?

Well… at least twenty people were fans. There were fires, after all.

A baseball chat would be nice. We should do a dual blog. I wish I were smart enough to know how to do that.

Just got off work. Turn on browser just in time to see Scutaro kamakazi catch that. Sweetness. Like the ice cream I am going to indulge in. A treat after a long day. Is it really almost 10 p.m.? 9:58? I need a weekend already. Is it really only Monday?

So. The big news of the day. Of the week. Of the month. Of our LIFETIME. He’s BACK.

That’s right. The Lesternator. And this time, he’s going for blood. Now in High Definition. Prepare to be:

LESTERNATED.

Okay. So. Jon Lester. 0-0. Top of the second. Wait. Why do they have two on base? Why do they have two on base, Jon? 2 outs.

Okay. I get it. You were waiting for me. You didn’t want to start being a badass until I got here. Okay. Well, I’m here now, Jonny. You can stop scaring the good people of Boston. Thanks.

And an out.

Now that my new internet is working, I certainly am blogging a lot. You know what? Today brought my 900th comment. That was kind of neat. For comment 1,000 I should do something. I will. Um. Draw you a picture.

—

A walk to first by Ortiz and more annoying prattle by Jerry Remy. I am not going to be able to handle this whole game, am I?

—-

I really like Crawford. I really do. I like base stealers. He’s fun to watch. He breaks up the monotony of long games. And Reddick… a double as Crawford scores! 1-0. Nice.

Yes, Crawford. We will be friends. I will make you a friendship bracelet.

—-

May 19, 2008. Lester’s no hitter against the Royals. I remember that. That was the day I bought my car, Sweet Caroline. We watched the game at a Ham’s Restaurant near the car dealership. The food was terrible and the potatoes were cold. But Jonny, you were red hot.

—-

Now they’re talking about whether you can wear Royals gear at Fenway and not get mauled. I read a blog the other day saying that Sox fans throw nachos at people wearing other jerseys. Anyone ever experience this?

I bet if someone threw nachos at you, you did something to deserve it. Unless you were wearing a Joba jersey. That in itself is deserving of a major cheesing. You don’t have to do anything.

And now they are showing clips of Jonathan Papelbon throwing tomatoes.

Really, guys?

I don’t know. What are you thinking about Lester? I know they’re scoreless (so far) and he’s striking three of them out- but he just doesn’t seem to have his usual Lester snap. Am I just being paranoid? Evidently, because, as a speak, a cutter strikes out another Royal. And another strike out. Well, I feel better.

—-

Bottom of the third. 0-1. Jeb, the Pirate Princess, sent me a fantastic link that you should check out right now:

The Boston Red Sox have shaken off a woeful start to the season to take pole position in the American League and a near lock on a playoff spot. Unlike other recent great Red Sox teams, this year’s Boston club is doing it almost entirely with hitting.

~The Wall Street Journal

I think the current rate paid per win is approximately $4 million, so to have four different position players giving you over $16 million each of production at this point is pretty damn good.

~Jeb

For those of you who do not know Jeb, he is a kindred spirit. Just misled. He, like me, is stranded in North Carolina. Unlike me, he is Pirates fan. But in Boone, NC, you take what you can get.

And Pedroia extends his hit-streak to 22!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can someone explain this Muddy Chicken thing to me?

—-

Another message from Jeb:

“You’ll love/hate this. John Lackey’s total WAR is currently -1.1. I think replacement-level is an average AAA player. So if you had started the season with an average AAA pitcher in Lackey’s place, you’d be 63-36 instead of 62-37. Poor John Lackey :(“

I will not love this. Not. Not. Not. Blah.

John Lackey.

We can’t think of John Lackey today, Jeb. Jon Lester is back. And he must consume all of our brain cells. All of them, I say!

—

I do not like how we’re loading the bases up. First. Second. I do not like this one bit. One out. Okay. I’d like to see a Sox offensive pop here in a sec. I have a feeling we’re going to need it.

Salty makes a catch. Salty is looking kind of hot today. Does his hair always look like that?

Two outs.

Jonny, you’re freaking me out with the first and second. Let’s not do this again, okay? Brayan Pena. And Youk throws it to first and ends the inning. Okay. It’s 5 hits to our 2. Let’s put some snap in our step.

—-

Bottom of the fourth inning, Youkie at the plate. Do you think he gets his beard professionally trimmed each day? Because his cheeks have been looking smooth lately.

David Ortiz. Over the shift and into right field for a base hit. 4-game hitting streak.

Carl Crawford. My new best friend. He looks like he’d be a great best friend. Oh, the happy times we could have together. Like at the zoo. And the park and stuff. I could swing. And you could push the swing. Because, if you can wield a bat like that, you can totally push a swing. We could tell secrets and swap stories and roast marshmallows and have great adventures.

I am going to make a children’s book about us.

I am going to call it “Carl Crawford and me.”

Ohhhhhhh. David Ortiz out on a steal. Papi!

—-

Alcides Escobar. What a great name. I want to date someone with your name. But not you. Because you are a Royal. And just took a walk. No me for you.

Poooooooor Mariners. Swamped by the Stanks. I was really rooting for them. And not just because it’s the Yankees. Because I know how it feels when you just can’t get a break.

This is for you.

1-0, Boston. One on first. One out. Bottom of the 5th. Picked off… Gonz fires to second! Out! Out! Out! A fun moment in the midst of kind of a boring game…Or maybe I’m just tired from my fourteen hour work day…

And… strike out to end the inning.

—-

Salty’s on base. Salty has been on FIRE. Remember when those crazy bloggers (um, um…) kept saying he should go? Remember that? I am simply shocked and… um… appalled…

Okay. So I’m eating my words.

At least I know what to flavor them with.

Scutttttt. I always liked you better than Lowrie.

Full count. You can walk there. I don’t care how you get there. Just get there if you can. That’s a song.

See?

NICE. That’s exactly how I wanted to get you there. Single. Nice.

Salty takes third. Jacoby is out. But Salty took third.

First and third with two outs. Let’s see some offense dazzle. Or fine. Just strand yourselves and end the inning. Sure. Okay. WHATEVER, RED SOX.

Jon Lester. You know I love you. But 81 pitches might be enough. We need you, see. In October.

Billy Butler. 82 pitches. Billy Butler looks like a guy from our pressroom. Into the corner. And you let them score. It’s not your fault, Jon Lester. I blame YOU Curt Young. Look at you. Not making eye contact. Looking into your clipboard. I called this like a hundred words ago.

Tie game. CURT YOUNG.

—-

“I wouldn’t be surprised to see this is the last hitter for Lester,” Remy says.

Do you know what I like about Lester? He’s in the dugout with death eyes right now. Mad. You can see the anger. See, John Lackey how he gives a shit? Remember all those times when you sucked it up- a LOT worse than Lester, I might add- and do that shrug walk-off thing that irritates me to no end?

—-

Albers strikes ’em out. Nice.

—

Lester, I wish I could give you a hug. It’s going to be okay. I promise.

Ground ball up the middle. Pedroia tags. Out.

Bottom of the 6th. And I am fading fast…

Another night asleep at the keyboard. At least this time it’s baseball and not city council… ah… the life of a reporter.

—

Hi, Gonz. Could you slam one out of the park? I bet that would make Lester smile. Or just strike out. Sure. Okay. <- Sarcasm.

Hi, Youkie.

He got something in his eye. Poor dear. Okay. Now we’re ready to rumble, he says.

Yikes. That one was straight for him. He’s getting good at ducking those.

Ground. Up the middle. Out. Close. I’d like to see a replay, please. Youk made it back to that dugout in about two seconds. Yikes. Did you see that lunge? It looked painful. Youkie, stop hurting yourself! And Ortiz thrown out.

Well. That sucked.

—

1-1 game in the 7th. And I’m droopy. I may not make into the 8th. God forbid this go extra innings.

Seats are emptying out. That’s what happens when it’s this late on a Monday.

—

Pena out. Thanks to a snazzy throw by Pedroia.

This game is hurting my brain.

Full count. Close up of Tito sweat. Thanks, cameras.

Crawford makes the catch. Because he’s my best friend.

And there are two outs.

STRIKE THREE. Out. Despite a dramatic jump-away by a faker. Good job, Albers.

See, Lester? I told you there was nothing to worry about. It’s alllll going to be okay.

Oh. Right. It’s still tied…

—-

Tim Collins. Pitching at my BEST FRIEND. Hi, Carl. What is with Collins’ hair? It’s like a back mullet. It’s a new invention, clearly.

First out. It’s okay, Crawford. Let’s meet up for hopscotch later.

Hi, Josh Reddick. You are not having a good hair day either. Just saying. If I can’t tell you tehse things, Josh, who can?

In the air… Caught. Out.

This inning blows.

I could be watching “The Tudors” or “Wings” on Netflix. Or. Um. Sleeping.

Okay guys. Get serious. I am only half awake. I can’t do a 10th. So score for me, okay? And for Youkilis. Who had better not be broken.

—

Alright, Gonz. You have done NOTHING today. It is time.

We need to get the spark back. There is NO SPARK.

The K-Guys are holding the A-Gonz sign. That’s for YOU, A-Gonz. YOU.

And Gonzalez strikes out. An 0 for 4 night. Really.

—

Yamaico Navarro taking one for the Youk. With a base hit! Youkie is welling up with pride and-

OHMYGOD THE BUG. I will get you this time, bug. I see you and… OHMYGOD IT FLIES.

It’s like an ant. But with wings. It’s an ant thing. It’s like the Pegasus of ants!

OHMYGOD. It’s alive.

—

Speaking of holy terrors, David Ortiz staring down Crow.

And I could watch that if I didn’t suddenly feel ants all over me.

Paranoia. Delusion. It was just one ant thing.

Just one, after all. You’re fine.

It was like a dragon ant.

Ortiz hits it on the ground- it gets through! Navarro on third! Ortiz first! Somehow that ball got through. Looked routine. Went through second baseman. Went through shortstop. Gave us sweet, sweet hope.

Morales. And I am asleep. Please don’t let him screw it up… Going to sleep.

—

Damnit. We all know I’m lying. Come on, Morales. Get this DONE.

Josh Reddick. I love you. There have been some great dive catches tonight, no?

That was hot. No wonder my mother wants me to marry you, Josh.

Out one. And a pop out to Pedroia means out TWO. Okay. Alex Gordon. You are going to be out three. Right, Morales?

Pedroia. First. Out.

Hah.

One to one.

Damn.

Come on, offense. Now is your chance to help me sleep. DO THIS. This is painful.

—-

This is the song in my head right now. I do not know why.

Better than Jar of Hearts, at least… And I think it expresses my feelings about this game quite eloquently. I saw Joan Osborne sing this at MerleFest a few months ago.

OHCOMEONSCORENOW.

—-

Damnit, Salty! I specifically told you to score.

One out.

—

Fly ball. Caught. Scutaro, you are a jerk. Two outs.

—

Jacoby. You have grounded out, struck out, flown out and singled and OHMYGODTHEFLYINGANTISBACK.

It’s okay. I’m okay. I’m okay…

OHNOIT’SBACKAGAIN.

—

What if there’s more than one?!?!

—–

Ground chop to first.

Are we even trying???

11th.

—

Navarro!!!! Youk would have caught that. Cabrera singled. Damnit. And there’s a dragon ant trying to eat me. But other than that, I’m fiiiiiiiine. Crawford catches. First out. Two more. And please let that be it.

Eric Hosmer. You look familiar.

Throw to first! What?! That was out. That was completely OUT.

“That really was borderline,” Remy said.

That really was out. These calls are crap tonight.

Crap.

I do not know who is umping, but I would not be surprised if it was Angel Hernandez.

Crawford makes another catch. Two outs. Because he is my best friend.

Terry comes out. Dan Wheeler to come out.

—

Hi, Dan.

Please do not mess up. Thanks.

One on first. Two outs.

And his first pitch… a ball. Of course.

I get that you guys love baseball. That’s great. But please do not love 12 innings worth of baseball. Hear me, Sox offense?

Strike. Nice. Do that.

Do that again. Foul. Okay. Whatever.

YES. Cabrera does something stupid, runs and is tagged the frick out at the base.

Lauren: it is on mlb.tv. and scutaro… i can’t say it. i don’t want to talk about this. this game is dead to me. dead.

2 seconds ago · Like

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Seriously. I am making no sense. I need to go to sleep. Tell me who won?

facebook is evil. This game is evil. And Jeb, you are evil.

And Scutaro… I’ll deal with you tomorrow. I can’t even look at you.

TWO ON BASE????

Damnit. I have flying ants to deal with. I can’t do this on a Monday. Um. Tuesday. Um.

No sense. No sense do I make. Ground. Out.

Bottom of 13th. I cannnnnnnnnn’t do this. This is the longest rambliestnosensishmaking post in all the land and it is your fault, marco scutaro yourfault that i do not make sense because i am so tireddd…

and you, jeb. you. you facebook distracter. with your facebook and your distracting.

and you, bed. for not being comfortable enough.

and you, crazy flying demon gremlin ants. for making me afraid to sleep.

and you, scutaro.

you.

i hate you.

like hate.

John Lackey might pitch? John Lackey might pitch? We are destroyed.

Strike one Jacoby.

“Come on Jake, get on the base any way you can, kid,” Remy said.

I said that. I did.

like paragraphs ago.

it is 1:33. we are unhappy all we are.

Tito. Fix it. Fix it marvelously. two and two. that’s the balls and the strikes. That we don’t hit. But we will hit them soon. Foul. hurts ellsbury. hurts. hit him in shin. ouch it was. ouch. shutup remy and let us concentrate with the winning.

it is starting to rain in fenway. rainnnnnnnn.

maybe there will be another rain delay and i can sleep and then i could wake up and watch the rest while i get ready for work.

lackey is making his way to the pen. ohnos.

rain. ellsbury ball four. lead runner on. maybe three more will walk. and then we will win. for america. dustin pedroia. he is one for five tonight. sleep. dustin pedroia. do this. strike one. no. that is not this. a hit is this. Now Aceves is banging on things in the dugout. grounds foul into royals dugout. do that into the green monster, dustin, please. right field. caught. out. damn. gonzalez. please do. hit. it. to right field and it went off glove!!!! ellsbury to third!!!!!!!!!!! agonz is the hero! second hit. winning run at third? please. only one out. gonz at first. ells at third. jacoby is fast, he is. yes. pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease with the home. and the score. Navarro. You could win it all. You can buy our love. But you will never start at third. That is for Youkilis. chanting. let’s go red sox. chanting. ohnostress. come on. please. please. please. please. navarro. please. so long. 1:40. pops up. foul ground caught. damn. out. two outs. navarro. go sit with scut. go. ortiz. ortiz up. will they pitch? they should pitch. yes. they should. i don’t care. as long as we get to a base and not out. i do not care. papi. ortiz to second. out? out? out? no. no. out.

14. why?sleep. must gotosleep. nomore. no. more.

ohno. ohno. 14 is upon us. and randy williams is here. for 14. john lackey is in the pen. not warming up. But certainly looking at things. i am looking at things too and just as useful. eric hosmer. bah. i do not know you but we will never be friends. damn. fair ball. he gets to second. whyareyoudoingthistous? ohno. if you were going to lose, couldn’t you lose in a timely fashion? that is what the polite team would do, tito. francoer. another base hit. stop runner at third. stop him. yes. damn. first and third. nobody out. randy i will remember this. ohno. this will not be the end. no. switchemup. find a new pitcher. and check on youkilis. do we hae any more pitchers? make one. because this guy is a saboteur. afsjklaadfjkldfjklsadjkldfsajlkdfajlskdjafljkdfasljkdfsljkadfljkdflajkdfadfjklafjkls no.

no.

score. they lead us. they lead us alllll

ladfjkljdkfljadkdajkf

nooooooooo

whyareyoudoingthisrandy?isthisonpurpose?

afjlfadjkaljkflkjgjjlgk

ajkl

kf

k

blah. it is just a game. a game it is. no. another base hit. another base hit. because we can’t catch. scut, i know that was you. first and third. and failure for scut. and it is two to one, kansas. and we are angry, yes we are. but not angry enough, apparently. curt is talking to randy. and doing a jog. but not pulling him. pull him. no one cares about his feelings. i don’t care about his feelings. take him out. i am a hater of this.

1:50. that is in the am. and randy is still thinking he can pitchbuthecannot. alas. for the fails. ohno. yes boo them. boo them all. this is a terribleterriblenogoodickysmelly game. catch it, ellsbury. he does. no. 3-1. because of the fails. we’ve got a cruel case of the fails. we caught it from scutaro. no. out ends inning. but it is failed. three to one. and it is 14 and two in the morningandmakingnosense and with the publicness of the making the no of sense. it is scutaro’s fail to blame. scutaro. i am to sleep now.

—

Strike one to Crawford. Of course. Because he does not want to be my friend. My great love is not to be reciprocated. Strikes out. Of course he does. Of course. We were going to share secrets and stuff. But whatever. Scutaro. Josh Reddick. Hi. Could you score a homerun? Thank you.

How about just getting on a base. And staying there this time. No matter what Scut does. I liked Scut better than Lowrie. Remember that?

It’s a lot like Hamlet, this game.

Double for Reddick.

But they all die at the end of Hamlet anyway. Even when they score.

Tired. onefiftyseven is the time. Jarrod Saltalamacchiariffic is at the plate. Could you get a homerun? Thanks. I don’t care anymore. Yes I do. No I don’t. Failure. foul. bouncy foul.

the red sox are taking a bazillion hours of my life and adding a bazillion wrinkles to my eyes. strike out.

of course.

scutaro. damn it. i don’t want to see you.

i will close my eyes like this. you can’t see me but my eyes are closed. because i don’t want to see you, marco scutaro. one and one. redemption is a homerunandthatisit. two outs. scutaro. and a homerun might not be redemption because that would mean inning 15. strike three call. you strike out. and we lose in 14. and i am angry with you forever. willnotforgetthisday. hate.afdljkadfjksjlkdfajkadfs

Yeah. So there are some upgrades that could be made in right field. But as we are now- we’re a winning team. We’re solid. Peter is right. No need to stress. Now is the time for breathing. Deeply and calmly. For being very zen. For being so zen that Seattle freaks out and needs more coffee. You know what? I need more coffee to maintain my zenness. One sec.

“I think we could definitely win all the way to the end with this group of guys,” reliever Daniel Bard said. “I don’t think we need anyone. That doesn’t mean you couldn’t help by adding guys, but I don’t think we necessarily need anything.”

“I think it’s too early to get too cocky about it. But I can tell you that without the injuries and all the (stuff) that we’ve always got to go through, I’ll take my chances with this ballclub.” ~David Ortiz.

You know what? Me too.

Ah… coffee…

~L

————–

PS- More Johnny Damon press blabbing. He’s STILL talking about HOF uniforms. Like A) He’s getting in and B) he has an actual choice over what jersey he would wear and C) Boston actually wants him.

For such a humble guy (<-sarcasm), he sure does talk about this a lot…

PSS- Jon Lester has a blog. Am I the only person who didn’t know this? It is here.

I mean, we all know Curt Schilling has a blog. Who else has a blog? Seriously? Tell me Kevin Youkilis has a blog…

We get to leave Baltimore. Thanks be to Fisk. The whining, a shrill echo bouncing around in the migraines of our minds… might never fully go away. But for now, it’s a distant, distant memory. Onward toward the sound of a muuuucccccchhhhhh less whiny team: The Mariners.

See, I don’t think this is big news. I have ALWAYS said he’s got the speed… and when he gets the power, it’s going to be insane. Guess who got his power yesterday?

Jacoby reminds me a lot of early not-horrible-Damon. Remember him? The speed? How fun he was to watch? Then he started to get the power. And clearly his brain couldn’t handle it. And it turned to clumpy muck that exploded all over our hopes and dreams like a dynamite tumor of arrogance. I’m okay-I’m okay. It’s just hard sometimes. I need a minute. I have Youk now. I’m fine. I’m fine!

But Jacoby can do great things. I want him in a Sox jersey for the long haul. Think that can happen?

Daniel Bard is also streaking. So fast some of us hadn’t even noticed until the Boston Globe pointed it out. With Buchholz still on the mend and Lester not up to speed quite yet… it’s a good time for a streak.

Lance Armstrong is going to court. Lance Armstrong, who is a legend in the North Carolina High Country for saying Boone is one of his favorite places to bike, is denying any steroid use… but the questions have still been asked.