This Week's Leaders in July 2014 Weddings

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Bridesmaid Quit

So one of my bridesmaids and the rest of the wedding party got into it for the second time this month,and she backed out of the wedding...again. The first time I spoke with everyone involved and she agreed to return. It didn't last long, a second incident ensued and now forcing everyone to get along for the next 10 months would end up being a weekly thing and take away from the happiness of planning the wedding. So I agreed to accept her resignation. Part of her reasoning for going now vs trying to stick it out was it provides me with plenty of time to identify and ask a someone else without it being last min. Having been asked twice to be part of the BP after someone was unable to fulfill the commitment of a BM. I see no problem with this. The rest of the wedding party is anxiously awaiting the arrival of the new BM even going as far as to provided suggestions. It wasn't till coming on this site and seeing the absolute disdain for brides who back-fill members of the wedding that i was confused. I guess I'm just trying to get some understanding as to why anyone who through their own wishes or actions would feel hurt about someone else being as to fulfill a requirement they couldn't, or why being asked as a "replacement" would make standing up for your friends or family any less special. It is any different then if she has said no from the beginning?

So one of my bridesmaids and the rest of the wedding party got into it for the second time this month,and she backed out of the wedding...again. The first time I spoke with everyone involved and she agreed to return. It didn't last long, a second incident ensued and now forcing everyone to get along for the next 10 months would end up being a weekly thing and take away from the happiness of planning the wedding. So I agreed to accept her resignation. Part of her reasoning for going now vs trying to stick it out was it provides me with plenty of time to identify and ask a someone else without it being last min. Having been asked twice to be part of the BP after someone was unable to fulfill the commitment of a BM. I see no problem with this. The rest of the wedding party is anxiously awaiting the arrival of the new BM even going as far as to provided suggestions. It wasn't till coming on this site and seeing the absolute disdain for brides who back-fill members of the wedding that i was confused. I guess I'm just trying to get some understanding as to why anyone who through their own wishes or actions would feel hurt about someone else being as to fulfill a requirement they couldn't, or why being asked as a "replacement" would make standing up for your friends or family any less special. It is any different then if she has said no from the beginning?

Your bridal party does not need to get along. They have to spend a few hours together on your wedding, and at the rehearsal if you choose to have one. They can be cordial for this amount of time.

So one of my bridesmaids and the rest of the wedding party got into it for the second time this month,and she backed out of the wedding...again. The first time I spoke with everyone involved and she agreed to return. It didn't last long, a second incident ensued and now forcing everyone to get along for the next 10 months would end up being a weekly thing and take away from the happiness of planning the wedding. So I agreed to accept her resignation. Part of her reasoning for going now vs trying to stick it out was it provides me with plenty of time to identify and ask a someone else without it being last min. Having been asked twice to be part of the BP after someone was unable to fulfill the commitment of a BM. I see no problem with this. The rest of the wedding party is anxiously awaiting the arrival of the new BM even going as far as to provided suggestions. It wasn't till coming on this site and seeing the absolute disdain for brides who back-fill members of the wedding that i was confused. I guess I'm just trying to get some understanding as to why anyone who through their own wishes or actions would feel hurt about someone else being as to fulfill a requirement they couldn't, or why being asked as a "replacement" would make standing up for your friends or family any less special. It is any different then if she has said no from the beginning?

It's more offensive to the "replacement" than to the person being replaced. I mean, presumably, if you have lost a bridesmaid, something serious has gone wrong, so the idea of offending them further would likely be moot. But can you imagine being asked to be a BM for someone and finding out that you were picked only because someone else left or was kicked out? Wouldn't you feel terrible? I mean, I would. That's basically being told that the bride likes you, just not enough to involve you in the first place, and is only asking you because she thinks she needs a certain specific number of bridesmaids. Super gross.

Also, I echo what PP said - they don't need to get along. What on earth is there drama about? I can't imagine why they talk to each other so much and so dramatically in the first place.

What the hell are you asking your WP to do that this is becoming a weekly problem? All they need to do is show up, on time, sober, and in the correct on the day of the wedding. Any planning or paying/decorating/DIY is on you and FI alone. People can volunteer to throw you a bachelorette or bridal shower, but you can't expect one, or get offended if one is not thrown for you. If certain BMs don't want to participate in those events, that's fine too. They are not obligated to pay or attend anything other than the wedding itself. You don't assign jobs.

And replacing someone tells the original person that 1) they were just a prop for photos, 2) that they obviously don't mean much if they're just going to be replaced, and it tells the replacement that they weren't "good enough" to make the first cut, and they're just a space filler. Not exactly the message you want to send to your nearest and dearest.

Holy primary school. Are you serious? One of your closest friends was in an epic fight with another close friend about your wedding and THIS is what you care about. The reason you don't replace people is exactly that: they're people! You replace light bulbs, you replace a broken vase. You don't "replace" someone in an honoured role because they will always know they were second choice. If bridesmaid 2.0 wasn't important enough to ask the first time, she isn't important enough now. I genuinely cannot believe how shallow, superficial and thoughtless you are being. Children aged 13 grasp this concept. How do you not?!

If your wp don't get along there is literally no reason why the HAVE to even see each other until maybe a shower/batchelorette (but both are optional), and the wedding day itself. What are you expecting from these women that they need to see each other weekly?

And yeah, I have serious disdain for people who 'replace' wp members. Like if someone was that important to you they would have been on the list in the first place. 'Its been done to me' is not a reason to perpetuate this shitty behaviour.

Ditto to PPs. You may not have been too upset at being a back-up bridesmaid, but I think I would feel pretty slighted.

I think a lot of brides pick their BMs and feel the need to "replace" lost members due to numbers. Don't. It's a gimmick. If you have more or less bridesmaids than your FI has groomsmen, it does not matter. I invited 6 ladies, FI has 5 guys. If any of them can't make it for whatever reason, then so be it. We picked them in the first place because they are our most honored friends and family. Even if they had declined immediately it would not have justified "replacing" them with another warm body to stand in their place. I recently found my grandmother's wedding photo and she had 3 BMs and my grandfather just had his best man. This idea that your WP is about friends, not numbers has been around a long time.

After what was said, im worried about seating them in the same venue just as guests much less making them play nice for a couple hours the day of as part of the BP.

As far as WHY... why wouldn't I? I would have asked someone else if she said no to start. How is it different? They had met before at past events but were friends more to do lack of contact then any sort of animosity before the incidents, but this all came out of left field as they were coordinating for the bachelorett party. Outside of the one the rest of the BP has become a group of good friends not just with us but bonding with each other, helping out with each others families and getting together on weekends. So I don't see them as excited for someone else to annoy just for someone else to join the group.

So one of my bridesmaids and the rest of the wedding party got into it for the second time this month,and she backed out of the wedding...again. The first time I spoke with everyone involved and she agreed to return. It didn't last long, a second incident ensued and now forcing everyone to get along for the next 10 months would end up being a weekly thing and take away from the happiness of planning the wedding. So I agreed to accept her resignation. Part of her reasoning for going now vs trying to stick it out was it provides me with plenty of time to identify and ask a someone else without it being last min. Having been asked twice to be part of the BP after someone was unable to fulfill the commitment of a BM. I see no problem with this. The rest of the wedding party is anxiously awaiting the arrival of the new BM even going as far as to provided suggestions. It wasn't till coming on this site and seeing the absolute disdain for brides who back-fill members of the wedding that i was confused. I guess I'm just trying to get some understanding as to why anyone who through their own wishes or actions would feel hurt about someone else being as to fulfill a requirement they couldn't, or why being asked as a "replacement" would make standing up for your friends or family any less special. It is any different then if she has said no from the beginning?

I was in a wedding with 3 people I would not count as friends and on several occasions "got into it" with. Guess what, we all sucked it up and walked down the aisle with our friend, took pictures and went our merry fucking way later.

Did I talk to these people again? nope. Was I cordial during the day? yep. For fuck's sake, how old are you? Grown ups can spend a couple of hours with people they don't like. Most of us work with at least one person we can't stand.

As for "back filling", seriously? Do you have a ready cache of ladies in waiting who are eager as hell to step up and fill in the discard pile of Bridesmaids?

I was a Maid of Honor in a friend's wedding. The rest of the bridal party knew each other and I did not know them. I definitely wouldn't say there was drama (I don't even really get what that means) but I know I didn't feel welcomed by the group in a lot of ways. We didn't have to spend much time together, and they weren't going to become my friends but it didn't matter because I was there for the bride. How I felt about her BMs or how we got along did not matter. Did I look forward to the time we all spent together - not really... but I was polite and it was over and the bride was happy that everyone who mattered to her was there and smiling for her.

After what was said, im worried about seating them in the same venue just as guests much less making them play nice for a couple hours the day of as part of the BP.

As far as WHY... why wouldn't I? I would have asked someone else if she said no to start. How is it different? They had met before at past events but were friends more to do lack of contact then any sort of animosity before the incidents, but this all came out of left field as they were coordinating for the bachelorett party. Outside of the one the rest of the BP has become a group of good friends not just with us but bonding with each other, helping out with each others families and getting together on weekends. So I don't see them as excited for someone else to annoy just for someone else to join the group.

SITB

So what you are saying is that you decided you needed x number of bridesmaids rather than thinking 'who do I actually want as my BM's?'. Number in your head is more important than honouring those closest to you, and you'll literally ask anyone to avoid having any less that your vision demands.

After what was said, im worried about seating them in the same venue just as guests much less making them play nice for a couple hours the day of as part of the BP.

As far as WHY... why wouldn't I? I would have asked someone else if she said no to start. How is it different? They had met before at past events but were friends more to do lack of contact then any sort of animosity before the incidents, but this all came out of left field as they were coordinating for the bachelorett party. Outside of the one the rest of the BP has become a group of good friends not just with us but bonding with each other, helping out with each others families and getting together on weekends. So I don't see them as excited for someone else to annoy just for someone else to join the group.

The point should should have asked her in the first place. Not as a backup.

For example, I asked my sister, BF, 2 SILs and 5 nieces. At no time did I think, well if BF says no I will now ask another friend. These are who I wanted and if they declined, I now have less BMs.

Since you already have a group of girls who are already bonded, why insert another one into the group? There simply is no need.

Well unless we are talking about financials and everyone wants a extra person to split costs with. Which is a poor excuse, since the BMs do not have to contribute to anything anyway.

What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests. Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated.

After what was said, im worried about seating them in the same venue just as guests much less making them play nice for a couple hours the day of as part of the BP.

As far as WHY... why wouldn't I? I would have asked someone else if she said no to start. How is it different? They had met before at past events but were friends more to do lack of contact then any sort of animosity before the incidents, but this all came out of left field as they were coordinating for the bachelorett party. Outside of the one the rest of the BP has become a group of good friends not just with us but bonding with each other, helping out with each others families and getting together on weekends. So I don't see them as excited for someone else to annoy just for someone else to join the group.

Seriously, why are you even getting involved? You have no idea what is really happening. I was the BM who didn't know anyone else once. I got into it with the MOH. I planned an entire bachelorette, as requested (from MOH herself, who was "too stressed to handle the planning") and then the MOH canceled it and didn't tell me. I had put deposits down and everything. Then, when I double checked with the bride that it was canceled after getting a group text about it two days later, the MOH tried to say I was "going behind her back," and that I "wasn't even really part of the WP anyways." So, back off of your BMs business and planning. You have no idea what is going on behind the scenes, and I honestly feel pretty bad for the BM you are so callously replacing.

And it's different because you make a list of your nearest and dearest, then you ask them. You don't keep going down a line of names until you hit a magic number (even sides aren't a thing, btw). I don't understand this bullshit about the WP being besties. It's so stupid. You have your friends, I have mine. I don't need your friends to become mine, but I will be polite when I see them. If a friendship blossoms, fantastic, if not, oh well. If they turn into a clique and give me attitude, that's on them, not me. Which is what happened in the WP I was in that I referenced. The rest of the WP hung out all the time. I was 1/2 close childhood friends who were asked to be in the WP. Totally fine. They all seemed like nice people...until they became awful people who went out of their way to treat me and my BFF (also in the WP as an old childhood BFF) poorly.

OP, people's feelings on this site about replacing bridesmaids stem from people's feelings on this site about the role of bridesmaids in general.

I believe that you ask someone to be a bridesmaid because they are your nearest and dearest and you want to honor them. I asked all the people I wanted to honor when I first decided on my bridal party, and if any of them had said no I would have seen no point in coming up with someone else to ask because I had already chosen what people I wanted to honor and asked them. My bridesmaids had virtually no interactions with each other through the whole wedding planning process, because again- they are not there to support or do anything for me, I've included them to honor them. They are also all mature adults, so even if they hadn't gotten along they would have been capable getting through a couple hours of being civil around one another.

I get the impression this is not what a bridesmaid is to you. I don't think you are right to feel that way, but that's clearly how you feel and nothing is probably going to make you change your mind. This probably just isn't the community for you.

After what was said, im worried about seating them in the same venue just as guests much less making them play nice for a couple hours the day of as part of the BP.

As far as WHY... why wouldn't I? I would have asked someone else if she said no to start. How is it different? They had met before at past events but were friends more to do lack of contact then any sort of animosity before the incidents, but this all came out of left field as they were coordinating for the bachelorett party. Outside of the one the rest of the BP has become a group of good friends not just with us but bonding with each other, helping out with each others families and getting together on weekends. So I don't see them as excited for someone else to annoy just for someone else to join the group.

Adults can be adults for one day without ripping each other to shreds just because they don't like each other. Or you can have security on hand to escort them out.

What do you mean by "Why wouldn't I?" Why WOULD you? Why do you need a certain number of bridesmaids? I have two people I want standing next to me when I get married. If one of them can't make it or doesn't want to stand up with me, I won't be asking a different person. Because this is a PERSON, NOT a fucking PROP!!! I want Eric and Liz to stand up next to me, not just any old person. Hell, if I wanted any old person, I'd hire professional models or actors and let my real friends just sit and enjoy themselves. In fact, isn't there a website where you can hire bridesmaids? I think they'll even help you address you invitations. You should definitely look into that for drama-free bridesmaids.

I just can't believe that getting along would be a "weekly" thing for the next 10 months. It's not that hard to plan a bachelorette party and if it IS hard, whoever's coordinating is doing a piss-poor job and that's their problem, not yours. A group of bridesmaids is not some super special clique either. They don't need to wait for someone else to join their super exclusive, super cool club.

We are trying to impress upon you that your BMs should be who are closest to YOU. It's not a play with casting decisions. It's not a job with responsibilities and role descriptions. These are people you care about.

After I flew to halfway across the country to be able to speak with her
in person and determined that 1 - she was ok, 2- if she and I were ok
and 3 - if she was in fact intent on backing out. So NO not just a prop.
But i cant force her to be in the wedding... so then I decided to
determine what to do next.

Since my service as a "replacement"
has actually resulted in better friendships with both brides to the fact
that one is now the MOH. Im not understanding I
should feel slighted for being asked after someone was forced to back
out. I was happy to be part of their celebration and if me standing up
there with them made any part of their day better, i would do it again.

The
Fi and I have asked for NO parties and I have adamantly refused a
shower. We made no requests of the BP other than to show up at the
wedding and be dressed in the attire that was picked for them. So no forced contact from myself or the FI was required of the BP. The
engagement party was a gift from our families. So their initial
communications, outside of a this is the wedding party email, were due it being a surprise until things went south. Did i think they would all become friends, no. At the same time I didnt expect this to happen.

I was very far outside of their business until I got a call to say it wasn't working.

After I flew to halfway across the country to be able to speak with her
in person and determined that 1 - she was ok, 2- if she and I were ok
and 3 - if she was in fact intent on backing out. So NO not just a prop.
But i cant force her to be in the wedding... so then I decided to
determine what to do next.

Since my service as a "replacement"
has actually resulted in better friendships with both brides to the fact
that one is now the MOH. Im not understanding I
should feel slighted for being asked after someone was forced to back
out. I was happy to be part of their celebration and if me standing up
there with them made any part of their day better, i would do it again.

The
Fi and I have asked for NO parties and I have adamantly refused a
shower. We made no requests of the BP other than to show up at the
wedding and be dressed in the attire that was picked for them. So no forced contact from myself or the FI was required of the BP. The
engagement party was a gift from our families. So their initial
communications, outside of a this is the wedding party email, were due it being a surprise until things went south. Did i think they would all become friends, no. At the same time I didnt expect this to happen.

I was very far outside of their business until I got a call to say it wasn't working.

Just so summarize .. You think the replacement thing is a good idea. You don't understand why we think it's tacky. We tell you why it's tacky / rude. You defend your position.

Is there a point here?

ETA : you said "Since my service as a "replacement" has actually resulted in...."

Maybe you are ok with being a backup, B-side friend when your mate has run out of her first choice options. But here in adult land, most people prefer to not waste their time with being a second choice. When you first met your fi, if he came up to you and your friend Susan in a pub and said "Susan, you're beautiful, would you go to dinner with me on Friday" and Susan said no, how happy would you be if he then turned to you and said "well, Susan said no, do you want to go to dinner"? If your answer is anything but "no thank you", you need a lot more self respect. Life is too short to waste time being someone's second choice.

Why wouldn't you? PPs have told you exactly why you shouldn't. Because your WP should be people that you care deeply about, not a task force to make sure you get exactly what you want for everything ever. They also don't have to be besties, or even just friends. Replacing one of your closest friends for the sake of numbers or a vision just seems...shallow and vapid.

After what was said, im worried about seating them in the same venue just as guests much less making them play nice for a couple hours the day of as part of the BP.

As far as WHY... why wouldn't I? I would have asked someone else if she said no to start. How is it different?

It's not different- you shouldn't do this either.

When picking your WP, you think to yourself, "who are my nearest and dearest friends? The ones I couldn't imagine not having stand beside me on my wedding day?"

Then you ask those people. There is no set number- you ask who you want. If this "replacement" friend is important enough for you to ask him/her to stand up for you, why didn't you ask this person in the first place?? That is my biggest point in all of this.

And if this friend wasn't important enough to be asked in the first place- well then clearly they are being called to stand in as a prop.

If your friend chose to remove herself from your WP, that's fine. That is her decision. But I don't understand WHY you need to replace her? Why do you need 5 vs. 4. vs. 3. vs. 2 BMs???? There is no number.

I asked 3 women to be in my WP, all around the same time, one of them declined (due to finances and travel). I did not "go down the list" and pick a new friend. I simply had 2 women stand on my side in my WP. I still got married. Still friends with the woman who declined, still friends with all my other friends who I didn't ask to be in WP. Some of whom helped host my bachelorette party.

I mean....good on you for asking WHY people are so against this. Better that than doing it anyway without input.

You were ok being a replacement. Many, many people are not, and they will not tell you that to your face, because they don't want you to feel bad, and they may or may not feel that the trappings of a wedding are more important than their feelings. (Those people are wrong.) Instead, they'll feel hurt, and the friendship may suffer.

Don't get offended or defensive about the advice here. It's good advice, and may save you a friendship.

After I flew to halfway across the country to be able to speak with her
in person and determined that 1 - she was ok, 2- if she and I were ok
and 3 - if she was in fact intent on backing out. So NO not just a prop.
But i cant force her to be in the wedding... so then I decided to
determine what to do next.

Since my service as a "replacement"
has actually resulted in better friendships with both brides to the fact
that one is now the MOH. Im not understanding I
should feel slighted for being asked after someone was forced to back
out. I was happy to be part of their celebration and if me standing up
there with them made any part of their day better, i would do it again.

The
Fi and I have asked for NO parties and I have adamantly refused a
shower. We made no requests of the BP other than to show up at the
wedding and be dressed in the attire that was picked for them. So no forced contact from myself or the FI was required of the BP. The
engagement party was a gift from our families. So their initial
communications, outside of a this is the wedding party email, were due it being a surprise until things went south. Did i think they would all become friends, no. At the same time I didnt expect this to happen.

I was very far outside of their business until I got a call to say it wasn't working.

If that were the case, then you could have easily told these BMs to just stop talking to each other.

But then, you think it's acceptable to have runner up BMs. No real human being would treat a friend that way. I think MUD.

After I flew to halfway across the country to be able to speak with her
in person and determined that 1 - she was ok, 2- if she and I were ok
and 3 - if she was in fact intent on backing out. So NO not just a prop.
But i cant force her to be in the wedding... so then I decided to
determine what to do next.

Since my service as a "replacement"
has actually resulted in better friendships with both brides to the fact
that one is now the MOH. Im not understanding I
should feel slighted for being asked after someone was forced to back
out. I was happy to be part of their celebration and if me standing up
there with them made any part of their day better, i would do it again.

The
Fi and I have asked for NO parties and I have adamantly refused a
shower. We made no requests of the BP other than to show up at the
wedding and be dressed in the attire that was picked for them. So no forced contact from myself or the FI was required of the BP. The
engagement party was a gift from our families. So their initial
communications, outside of a this is the wedding party email, were due it being a surprise until things went south. Did i think they would all become friends, no. At the same time I didnt expect this to happen.

I was very far outside of their business until I got a call to say it wasn't working.

OP I feel like you aren't listening to anything anyone is saying. It's great that you didn't feel offended, but I think the large group of people here telling you they would be very hurt to be a second-choice bridesmaid should indicate to you it would rub a lot of people the wrong way.

You asked why people here don't like it- people gave reasons why they don't like it emotionally, philosophically and logistically. As I said in my previous post, you don't agree, so I guess it just comes down to if you're sure no one in your life is going to agree with the vast majority of diverse posters here enough to risk doing something that so many would consider so rude.

Bottom line- we see asking someone to be a bridesmaid as a honor that you bestow on people you want to bestow it on, and it becomes no longer an honor when you ask someone you had no interest in honoring in the first place. Not sure what you don't get about this.