I recently shared with a friend that I am working on some relationship videos for my soon to launch Youtube channel, and she started reeling off names of relationship experts that she loved to watch online. So, in the name of research I watched a few. Just reading the video titles had me rolling my eyes. Ones like ‘what to say when he pulls away’, ‘5 texts to make a man fall in love with you’, and ‘how to make him sexually hooked on you’ to name a few.

I couldn’t believe the amount of views these videos got, don’t women realise that playing games, having a strategy, pretending to be someone you’re not is totally futile and bloody exhausting at the same time!? Then, I happened upon a video title, ‘how to make him miss you’. I was tempted to watch it, because at the time I missed someone like crazy, to the point where I felt like it physically hurt to not have that person in my life. How amazing would it be if I could put ‘5 simple steps’ into practise and suddenly he’d miss me right back and want to reconnect with me. But my newly acquired (and a tad fragile) sense of self worth helped me see reality.

If someone breaks-up with you, for whatever reason, it means that they don’t want to be with you. The mere fact that they walked away from you and cut you out of their life means that they don’t care enough about you. They will never miss you, the way you miss them and instead of focusing your energies on playing games and working strategies in an attempt to make them miss you, you should be working on yourself. Don’t be that girl that attempts to totally change themselves to get the guy, instead realise you’re worth more than being the person who pines over someone who has moved on.

If they decide that breaking up with you was a mistake, they will let you know. Then it’s worth thinking about whether you want to get back together with someone who had to leave you to realise how they felt about you. But, if that doesn’t happen, don’t misinterpret late night texts, flirty messages and proclamations of missing you as anything more than needing attention and validation from someone they know will give it to them when they want it.

So here’s my how to not care if someone misses you or not guide

New perspective…

I’m not one to advocate changing yourself in order to reel in your crush/ex etc. However, I do think making changes that will help you find and cultivate a relationship with the right person for you are worthwhile. In the past, when I’ve really liked someone, I’ve ended up staying in and even pursuing situations that weren’t really what I wanted. Subsequently I’d become unhappy, anxious, and my insecurities came to the fore. By wasting time and energy on the wrong one, I missed out on all the possible right ones I could have been going on dates with.

By the time it’s over with Mr wrong, I’m a shell of my former self and I’ve then had to pull myself together, lift myself out of the sadness and disappointment of it all (for me that takes time, of which I don’t have to waste) before I can move on. Recently it dawned on me that I don’t treat the men I like/love in the same way that I do my friends. Of course I’m giving, loyal, loving, supportive, generous etc, but, when it comes to my friendships I’m pretty black and white on certain issues. If I feel like a friend doesn’t appreciate me, treats me badly etc, I will make the effort to discuss this with them. I’m all for second chances and hearing other peoples side of the story. However, if a friend continually lets me down, or disrespects me I have no problem ending a friendship and moving on. Of course it’s disappointing when that happens but in these situations Ihave enough self love and respect to know what I will tolerate and what I won’t. When it comes to romantic relationships I’m the total opposite.

So, I’ve decided that the biggest change I’m going to make is to start treating love interests like I do my friends. That way the types of relationships that bring out my insecurities and flaws (which I am working on too) won’t be part of my future.

On the other hand, sometimes relationships just don’t work out or after a few dates someone you really like doesn’t end up feeling the same. That can be hard to swallow and If you don’t feel like you played a part in your recent heartache (by ignoring red flags or picking someone unavailable etc) there are still lessons to learn and new perspectives to be gained. Studies show that love can be as addictive as drugs, and when going through a break-up the same areas of the brain are activated as those in drug addicts going through withdrawal. So it stands to reason that you’d rather get a fix of your ex (by trying to make him miss you) than go through the separation process. Trust me I know it’s not easy (I’ve embarrassed myself countless times over the years) but think about what you deserve, alter your perspective and start making changes that will steer you into the kind of relationship you want and deserve.

Me time…

OK you’ve heard this one before right, and I give you full permission to roll your eyes at me. That’s what I used to do when people would say, just take some time for you. ‘Um I’m sick of me time, my whole life is me time, I’d like to be in a relationship spending time with someone other than just myself!’, is what I’d think when people would offer up that advice. However, being comfortable with being by yourself and doing things that interest you (rather than waiting to do them with a significant other) is actually really beneficial for two reasons. Firstly, in my experience a big part of wanting an ex to miss me or to get back in touch has been because being alone (at my age especially) sucks! But our fear of being alone is often what keeps us in relationships that just aren’t working and sees us give the wrong people more of a chance then they deserve. Don’t get me wrong, the first time I went and did something alone I felt like a total loser but the more I do it (a walk on Hampstead Heath, going to an exhibition, checking out a market I’ve never been to before) the more I feel empowered and content. Not to mention, the busier I become doing things that interest me the less time I have to think about the person I miss let alone wish they missed me.

Focus on the negatives…

This appeals to my pessimistic tendencies (another thing I’m working on), and was recommended to me by break-up and divorce coach Sara Davidson. It’s normal to put the person you miss up on a pedestal and focus only on the good times you had together, how amazing you think they are, how your life was better with them in it. But was it really? And are they really that great? I’d hazard a guess that the answer is no, otherwise you’d most likely still be together! So write down five things you don’t actually like about the person you wish missed you and I guarantee you’ll move on far quicker.