There are a lot of bloggers out there that post a weekly recap of their weekend. It usually involves going to a lot of cool places with their friends. I am not one of them. Mostly because you know I like to make shit up.

That and I don’t really go out partying it up on the town. We do a lot of stuff. We like to celebrate the things to do in Cleveland and there are a ton of things. There are slow days for us and then there are times where we go to a play, dinner, a concert and a movie in one day. If need be we just cram it all in.

That’s what she said.

This weekend was one of those times. Friday there was what the kids are calling these days a “tweetup”. It was called the east-side tweetup and was held at the Willoughby Brewing Company. We were invited and you know went and stuff.

Oh was that not good enough? See I’m bad at this. The Three Shillelaghs headed over to Willoughby Brewing Company. Hilarity sort of ensued. I was still sort of limping. The pain in my heel had mostly subsided by then. We parked and then started walking toward the restaurant. We didn’t even get across the street when the wifey’s (kat clearly) flip flop broke. The back part just fell right off. Just as she walked it fell off and as she marveled about it and tried to walk on the rest of the shoe died. We walked on discovered it was further than we thought went back and got the car. Drove to it found there was absolutely nowhere to park and ended up parking right by where we originally did. She had to basically walk with the shoe in her hand the whole way and then fake like it was on to get inside.

The night was cool and met some new peeps which always a good thing. I wasn’t that impressed with the menu (though did not have anything) and the apps were expensive. The jack and ginger was tall and that good. The waitress was pretty awesome even if she got sort of busy and there were a few times I sat there like this:

‘more jack daniels please”

But you know more desperate sounding. All in all a good time was had. After we left we stopped and got us some Chick-fil-A. Yum.

Saturday was such a full day that the wifey made an itinerary. I never actually saw it but I’ve heard it did exsist. The Three Shillelaghs packed the car and headed on down to Akron for the:
National Hamburger Festival

Yay.
It was so hot.
(how hot was it)

It was so hot that on the way there a minivan caught on fire. Okay so that probably isn’t true. A minivan was on fire on the opposite way as we drove to Akron though. It was hot as all get out while at the festival that consisted of a bunch of places to get hamburgers for a 2 block radius. I was sort of disappointed by it. I mean it was cool and all but it lacked stuff. The only merch were shirts and Jughead comic books. A vast majority of the events seemed to be taking place at night and we’d have to be gone way before then to keep our schedule. I was going to attempt to be in the bobbing for burgers contest but oh well.

There was this:

That’s right there was a Barney Fife look alike walking around the festival. How awesome is that? Also as we approached he yelled out:

“I’m Barney Fife bitches! What mofo wanna take a picture with me?”

Ok not really but I almost asked him if he would. Later he threatened to arrest us if we tried to sneak back in. The burgers were tasty and the one we got was from Steel Trolley Diner. Their banner said get your burger branded. I ordered the Marley Burger: A ½ pound burger topped with Jamaican jerk sauce and Orange chipotle mayo. It was tasty and they indeed did “brand” your burger. Unfortunate (or hilarious) they have std as their initials.

Yes my burger said STD on it and I still ate it.

We left there and went home to nap for a little bit. Then we hit up the Cleveland Cinematheque for Animal Crackers. After some Marx Brothers brilliance we ate some Aladdin’s and then hit up Parnell’s Pub for some x-mas in July. It was for Thirsty Dog’s 12 dogs of Christmas Ale. Tasty! Then I had one tall Jack and Ginger. From there we headed over to the Capitol Theatre to see the late shift showing of Memento. It had been a while since I’d seen it and I really looked forward to it. On the way there the wife tried to destroy the happiness that is the Marx Bros. by saying they were probably very unhappy. This discussion went up until the movie started and included several other people getting involved. Then I won tickets to see the late shift showing of Pulp Fiction.

Sunday was a more relaxed. The wifey headed over to her mom’s house to do laundry and thesis work. I stayed home wrote some and watched soccer for a bit. Then I watched George A. Romero’s Diary of the Dead. It was decent. I was preparing for Monday’s viewing of Survival of the Dead. Later that night we went to a new Indian Restaurant called Indian Flame. It was delish. A review with pictures will be written soon as we go a second time.

Monday we went to breakfast and then picked up Lindsay. We headed over to the zoo to enjoy free day. It was pretty sweet even if it was packed and my heel was hurting again.
The wife and I on the Australian adventure train:

It was fun but got weird when the driver said:
‘Oh my mate lookit the kangaroo ova there. Ain’t she a beaut? Why I’d like to stick me little dingaroo in her pouch. Boomerang bitches”

All that but you know with an Australian accent or you know probably not at all.

We encountered a lady wearing leggings that looked like jeans as jeans. It was not pretty and I wasn’t fast enough to snap a picture. Later on the wife and Lindsay marveled at the Rhino’s dong.
After that we went home for some resting and lunch. I almost set the apartment on fire. I forgot the package my Sammy was in had metal like shit inside and yeah it started to burn in the microwave. After a nap that did nothing for us we headed out to see Survival of the Dead which was pretty good.

If you search the dictionary for the word coworker you’ll see it defined as a douche bag Fellow worker; colleague. They can be average, smart, fun, boring, nice and or mean. You can like your coworkers. Coworkers can be friends, people to share in the horribleness that is whatever work you do—or they can really suck and add to the horribleness.

I’m mellow enough that I’m pretty much going to get along with everyone. I choose to rock the boat in my own creative ways, not in snippiness or fighting with coworkers. For the most part the people who work at the store are nice enough. That being said I wouldn’t consider a large majority of the people I work with acquaintances let alone friends. I guess that happens. I mean you can’t be friends with everyone. What troubles me is the high amount of people there that I simply out and out don’t like. Now don’t get me wrong I’m friendly (even when some of them rarely are) whenever I see them. It bothers me that I really don’t like a grand majority of them.

I tend to give people nicknames instead of calling them by their real names and work is no exception. The difference being for the most part you only get one for bad reasons.

There’s:

The Myspacer: Stalks me on myspace
Deli McYells-at-me-for-nothingerson: Deli worker who bitched me out one day while I was off the clock.
Eat-e McSkin-Skin: He likes to eat trash and well skin and stuff he picks out of his hair.
The GhostRider: He’s lame and rides a motorcycle.

We’ll focus on two specific cases of outright dislike of particular coworkers here:

Bitches:
Age: Old
Motto: Grumpy is as grumpy does.
Traits: Pee’s a lot. Drinks coffee and “meds” in the coat hallway. Throws groceries.
When she’ll talk to you:
To bitch at you.
She likes you (rare) and wants to bitch about someone else.
Wildcard: She may grunt at you as she passes runs into you on her way to the elevator.

Stitches:
Age: Old
Motto: Go to the bathroom every twenty minutes.
Traits: Yelling. Calling people stupid. Peeing. Snitching.
When she’ll talk to you:
If she wants to call you stupid or tell you that you’re doing something wrong.
She wants to narc on someone else.

There are a few exceptions. A great bunch of genuine people I enjoy talking with.
Things they have in common: Niceness, humor, nonjudgmental etc. Also they don’t (read: DON’T) try to have long bonding conversations with me in the bathroom.

Here we connect to the title—finally—and to another group of the coworkers.
Their names are the Bathroom Bonders! I’ve worked with my share of jerks and strange characters.
The young stalkers, the albino closet gay guy, home schoolers (seemingly never read a book—ever!), horn dogs, possible pedophiles, dude who eats trash it goes on and on. None of these creep me out more than the Bathroom Bonders. Lets clear something up I’m not speaking about people who nod and say “hey” or “what’s up?” or “how ya doing?”. Oh no they ask meaningful questions as we stand side by side in front of the urinal. They very creepily ask (as they shake their junk off) where you live.
These discussions are not limited to the sinks or the urinals. Oh no while I sit on the toilet, safely hidden by the stall walls (so I thought) they’ll gab away. One even went along these lines:

(I am sitting in a stall)Coworker: Jimi! You took my favorite stall!Jimi: oh uh…Coworker: I always use it….is it your favorite stall too?

What is this all about? These are people who will barely nod at me in the store but open up as we sit on the can? What gives? You need to talk? Call a sex hotline. You want to talk? Find me while in the store—I’ll do pretty much anything to hold off work for a few—but leave me be in the bathroom.

There are always situations that arise after the cloud of pretty words blows away and you realize that you are left standing exposed out in the light.

How did you not see it before?

Were your eyes really that heavy with sleep?

Did you choose not to see the inevitable or were you too content or misguided to even care?

Why didn’t anyone in your family TELL you that you were tone deaf BEFORE you tried out for American Idol and saved you humiliation in front of millions? Now you’ll NEVER get a recording contract… or a date.

Maybe we never lose that last shred of innocence that makes us happily believe all that we are told when we really, really want to hear it.

We could just be sadists and enjoy living that lie, you know, so Issue 3’s long awaited theme is…The Happiest Lie

When your ex said they would love you forever…but forever was instead measured in months, not eons.

How everyone said when you turned 18 you were an adult, yet you still had to take the garbage out for your dad.

How the back of those diet pills said your ass would melt away (just checked, it’s still there).

Maybe it was a moment when you felt caught up and moved, only to realize that wasn’t where you were supposed to be at all and you grabbed the wrong pair of pants in the process (hello awkward).

Perhaps all of the above examples are not necessarily bad things…Instead they could be masked motivation for you to see through the façade…Maybe we like being lied to.

We like fibs, tale tales, fables, and fabrication. Hell, maybe we thrive on it and need it to exist. Besides, if there were no happy lies, we’d all be a bunch of heavy, rude, cynical assholes…and who needs more of those? The world already has plenty.

We look forward to receiving your submissions for Issue 3. (We’re not lying). For more information on submission types, a quick refresher can be found on our website.Go to messymagazine. org and click on ‘submit’ for details!

Submissions for Issue 3, The Happiest Lie, are due Thursday, February 26, 2009 by MIDNIGHT.

DON’T FORGET: Be on the lookout for the messy magazine SPECIAL FILM ISSUE on February 27, 2009. We are a proud media sponsor of the 33rd Annual Cleveland International Film Festival March 19-29th at Tower City Cinemas.Check back at messymagazine. org for film fest ticket giveaways, blogs and more!

Many congrats again to Issue 2’s contest winners…..Stephanie Stonemetz was the winner of the C.L.E. Clothing t-shirt! Be sure to add C.L.E.Clothing on Facebook and Myspace! You can also shop at their website: http://www. cleclothing. bigcartel. com.

And congrats to Louis DiLullo the winner of The Bubble Process Prize Pack! This prize pack includes a hand printed Girl Talk poster and other Bubble Process goodies.Check The Bubble Process out at http://thebubbleprocess. com and myspace. com/thebubbleprocess for cool posters and other fun merchandise!

Confetti in the air for all!

A few extra notes….please be sure to title your work if it is not Untitled, it helps us ensure that proper credit is given to the creator.

And if you haven’t signed up for our mailing list PLEASE do so at messymagazine. org.And tell your friends! Thanks and hope you get extra messy with this one.

Lauren. Vanessa. Genna. Michael.

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Remember you do not need to live in Cleveland in order to submit. messy magazine and its founders call Cleveland home and enjoy the city, but that does not mean that you, out-of-towner, will have your work excluded. messy magazine is open to all.