11 February 2010

Indicting Mother Nature

I've had all I canst stands. I canst stand no more. Time to exercise some of that prosecutorial power I'm supposed to possess.

INDICTMENT

VIRGINIA:

IN THE CIRCUIT COURT OF THE COUNTY OF PITCAIRN

THIRTY-FIFTH JUDICIAL CIRCUIT

11 FEBRUARY 2010

MOTHER NATURE

aka ASIAQ aka TAMAR aka MARIaka FREYR aka LUONNOTAR aka JULUNGGUL

Address: The Weather Channel

SSN: 000-00-0004DOB: Creation

THE GRAND JURY CHARGES THAT:

COUNT 1:

On or about December 2009, in the County of Pitcairn, MOTHER NATURE did unlawfully and feloniously commit Damage Public Utilities. To wit, Mother Nature purposefully damaged power cables, tranformers and poles in an amount valued at more than $200. Damaging Public Utilities is a Class 4 felony punished under Virginia Code section 18.2-162 and it is punishable by imprisonment in a state correctional facility for not less than two nor more than ten years. This act was done against the peace and dignity of the Commonwealth of Virginia.

COUNT 2:

On or about 10 February 2010, in the County of Pitcairn, MOTHER NATURE did commit Obstruction of Justice. To wit, Mother Nature did intentionally, willfully, and unlawfully dump tons of snow on the roads of Pitcairn County. The snow did obstruct the judge and several prosecutors from making it to the courthouse, therefore keeping them from the performance of their duties. This is a violation of Virginia Code section 18.2-460 and it is punishable by confinement in jail for a period not exceeding twelve months or a fine not more than $2,500, either or both. This act was done against the peace and dignity of the Commonwealth of Virginia.

COUNT 3:

On or about 11 February 2010, in the County of Pitcairn, MOTHER NATURE did unlawfully and feloniously commit Petit Larceny. To wit, Mother Nature did intentionally, willfully, and unlawfully cause the weather to be so bad that court was cancelled on the day that the victim, Ken Lammers, had already been approved for vacation, thus permanently depriving Mr. Lammers of his vacation day (valued at less than $200). This is a violation of Virginia Code section 18.2-96 and it is punishable by a term of imprisonment of not more than 12 months and a fine of not more than $2,500, either or both. This act was done against the peace and dignity of the Commonwealth of Virginia.

Disclaimer

In case anyone out there needs this warning: This ain't legal advice. Everything in the blog is off the cuff and no one goes back and reads all the cases and statutes before blogging. The law may have changed; cases misread and misunderstood two years ago can still lead to a clinging misperception. Courts in your county, city, or State probably don't operate as described herein. Feel free to be inspired, but YOU MUST ALWAYS DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH OR HIRE A COMPETENT ATTORNEY TO DO SO because I haven't.