"Drunk Punch Love"

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What’s that old saying? It’s always darkest before the dawn? Well, at the Jersey Shore, that means Sammi punches Ron somewhere before dawn, and then makes up with Jenni at Karma the next night.

You guys, the good times are back! Well, they were back at the end of the show. Before that, it was nightmaresville. Jenni had to pick up her abandoned dogs and change the locks at her ex-home. Ryder showed up to hang out with Snooks and celebrate what looked to be at least her eighth 22nd birthday. Mike was literally forced to show his whale vagina abs to some girls at the club. It was horrible.

Things got even horribler, though, when wasted Sammi spied roided out Ron talking to some girl at Karma. Can you believe his nerve? A girl? At a bar? As it turns out, it was only “Mike’s girlfriend.” You know, “Mike with the baby.” Sammi was dubious, even when Ronni offered to bring her over and have her “show you her c-section.” Pure class, these people.

Anyway, Sammi was mega-drunk, which is, of course, super unusual in this house of professional drunks, but instead of getting arrested, she took the drinky drama home with her, getting in yet another mega-fight with Ron when they got home because, big surprise, she doesn’t trust him. He responded by breaking up with her, throwing all her clothes in the middle of their tiny room, and then crying a lot. A LOT, you guys. His eyes were as red as Vinny’s mom’s marinara. Sammi tried to make peace by bringing him a piece of pizza, but what he really wanted was a protein shake, and thus, their relationship imploded.

Jenni and Ronny make up while he’s bawling, and Mike (not the one with the baby) spills the dirt to Sammi while he’s looking for a condom, which Ron does not have (thus revealing information I would have preferred not to know about Ron and Sam). Sammi, duh, flips out because she hates Jenni for no great reason and goes on yet another rampage, ultimately punching Ron in the face as he sits, slumped on a picnic bench. It was actually sadder than it sounds, really.

Sammi decides to leave, and her mom agrees to come get her at 7 a.m. 6:36 rolls around and, ugh, Sammi and Ronny make up. She maybe literally forces herself back into his life, and it was all just one bad night, or something. Sammi calls her mom later, who appears to still be at home (was she really ever coming to get her, really? I doubt it) and tells her she’s decided to stay. Uh, duh. The money’s too good, Sam.

The next day, the whole gang gets together for some chow, and then it’s time for a classy double date between Jenni and Roger (“TAN HULK SMASH!”) and Deena and Dean. During this time, Vinny and Snooki go and buy a stripper pole.

Apparently, Deena and Dean hook up after or during their date because the next day at the barbershop, the barber tells the boys that Dean allegedly told him that Deena tried to lick Dean’s asshole, but Dean, ever the gentleman, declined. He considered it, though, because, “it was cleaned out by the Jacuzzi.” And I still don’t think Jersey Shore is ruining America, for the record.

Mike tells Deena, of course, because Mike loves drama more than ol’ Will Shakespeare, and Deena is scandalized. She threatens to tear Dean a new asshole (har har) at Karma later that night. Around this time, Jenni and Sammi make up and hug it out, mean girl style. Fin.

I’m not usually one for straight recaps because anyone reading this has seen the show, right? At the same time, I kind of felt like tonight’s episode warranted one, if for nothing else than to reiterate that, as I said in the podcast, I really don’t think Jersey Shore is ruining America. Nor do I think they’re the worst people in the world. These kids have a sense of humor about themselves and money to burn. Some of the things they do are both sad and funny. (For example: Snooki is worried her dad will see “stripper pole” on her credit card, indicating that not only does Snooki not understand how a credit card statement works but also that her dad reads her statements. This should come as no surprise, though, given this week’s revelation that she has no idea how to write a check.)

But the thing is that everything they do is totally okay. They’re not slinging gay slurs. They’re aware that getting drunk has consequences. They’re hopefully teaching kids what a bad relationship looks like, and that you should go to the gym a lot. Sure, it’s not awesome to teach kids about discriminating against grenades or that you can become reasonably famous just by being loud and a little funny, but unfortunately, that’s kind of life right now. As long as there are good lessons along with the bad, I’ll take the Jersey Shore for what it is, and defend it to the end. At least it’s not Next.

Stray observations:

The Jersey Shore does look pretty fun, especially if you are wearing really short shorts.

Um, was Jenni carrying a dog stroller when she was leaving her house? I thought I saw one. Fingers crossed!

“I’m Nicky Ducks.”

“You guys want to come to Ryder’s birthday? It’s upstairs in five minutes.”

Even for Sitch, those flaming pajama pants are ridiculous.

Did Jenni and Roger actually sleep together sleep together, or did they just sleep together? If it’s the former, you’re telling me MTV’s night vision cameras didn’t catch it?