Skippy McShamrock was, undoubtedly, the world’s greatest leprechaun. He would, in a few short years, completely revolutionize his people’s way of life. No more cobbling, no more hiding pots of gold. Those were the old ways, for the old men, who still kept both their red beards and the old seasons, who waxed and waned with the year.

“This is a new age,” he would say, “and those traditions are dead. We need no longer wait, no longer hide. We are entrepreneurs in the world’s fastest-growing industry!” Everything about him screamed progress, future, success, technology. He kept a smartphone. He kept his wealth in banks. He didn’t feel the need to taunt and mock — this was the end of the mischievous leprechaun of old. No, all the old things have passed away.

No more the artisanal furnishings; in his office, McShamrock kept only the most modern decor by Euro Style. Everything, from his desk to his couch to the delicately engineered sculptures he kept by his window, was furiously modern. He liked to keep things minimalist; it made him feel like he was falling — no, racing — into the future. McShamrock had no truck with tradition. He was a revolution unto himself.

He poured himself a brandy into a stark and geometric glass — no more pink hearts, orange stars, and yellow moons for him, for this was fast becoming a changed world — and reflected on how he kept his home the same way. Enough of the old hobbit holes! His was a modernist poem in leather and glass. He kept it clean and undistracted, with his curved, single-piece glass console table, and his Valencia leather lounge chair. He was determined to make a strong fashion statement: this was the time for the new.

He looked out of his window, at the vast expanse of Leprechaun society below him, the bustling mess of horse carts and automobiles, the roughspun peasants and the burgeoning middle-class. They looked only to themselves. But Skippy McShamrock was a great man. He looked only forward.

Don’t let Skippy McShamrock think he’s better than you; all of the above items are available for sale at AppliancesConnection.com.

So. The ratings are low, ad revenue is down, and you need a hit on the cheap. Something we can explode out of the gate without needing a huge budget. Well, have I got an idea for you:

The Incompletes. He’s a down-on-his-luck ex-truck driver from the wrong side of the tracks who plays by his own rules. She’s a fast-talking expert statistician with a gambling addiction and nothing left to lose. Together, they’re taking down Jaros Zarka’s criminal syndicate — one bastard at a time. It’s 21 Jump Street meets CSI meets Hill Street Blues meets NYPD Blue. And the best part? Everybody in it is nine years old.

We can skimp on the sets by scaling everything down so that the kids look like adults. It’s genius. And I know just how to do it: Fun Furnishings. These are teeny-tiny, kid-sized furnishings perfect to help scale the set down. We can do sofas, chairs, and, um, beanbags. Nothing says “prime time vigilante drama” like a well-placed beanbag chair. It just screams action and drama. And even if it doesn’t — it’s not like we’re spending a lot of money on this.

They’re perfectly scaled, inexpensive, and made entirely out of lightweight, flame-retardant foam. And they have unmatched versatility — the sofas and chairs fold out into sleepers, so they can double as beds! All we have to do is get the foley guys or whoever to pick ’em up and move ’em to over to another part of the set, toss a blanket down, and boom! We got a bedroom! Perfect for our grizzled heroes to angst about how they’re gonna stop Zarka’s latest nefarious operation.

And there are so many different colors and patterns — our sets will never get boring even we stay under budget! The kids will be engaged in full-on pitched battles over colorful sofas in Zarka’s decadent office. Sure will look great in HD! And for more somber scenes? The Central Park Sleeper Sofa‘s got that covered, too.

I can see it already. Right where ER used to air, we put on The Incompletes — no, they won’t be able to tell they’re kids. Just stick fake goatees on ’em and nobody’ll be able to tell the difference.