How To Stay Motivated When You're Self-Employed

Ever since I was old enough to be gainfully employed, my goal has been to be gainfully self-employed. Now, that's not to say I'm lazy. I'd argue that I'm quite the opposite. But at the same time, I've never, not once in the 31 years I've been a human, wanted to go to work. And I've held countless jobs.

I've sold bicycles.

I've served frozen yogurt.

I've sold tacos and chimichangas.

I've helped people to their seats at Long Island's Rainforest Café.

I've bartended.

I've worked for major multimedia conglomerates.

And I'm fully aware that not everyone actively loves what they do for a living. Most don't. But some people possess a certain quality that makes it so they're able to give themselves to their place of employment to the point where they actually, truly care. I came close while bartending, but hindsight being 20/20, that's only because I was drunk and trying to make out with girls the majority of the time. And that fact alone means I was an awful, awful bartender. If you were even remotely hot, you drank for free.

No matter where I was "working," and I use that word loosely, what I really wanted to be doing was writing dick jokes. And now, well over a decade after I realized what I wanted, I got there. It's currently 12:09 p.m. on a Monday afternoon — my first Monday of bona fide self-employment.

I just started my work day.

True story: After this column is sent off, I'm going to start working on a screenplay that actually has the word "dick" in the title.

Now, my blatant and crippling immaturity aside, I have another problem on my hands. That problem: staying motivated while self-employed. My goal has always been to make a living doing something that I'd otherwise do for free. I believe it was either the great philosopher Confucius, or possibly Police Academy's Steven Guttenberg, who said, "Choose a job you love and you'll never work a day in your life again."

But the job I love comes with the most flexible schedule known to man. If my current schedule were a woman, I'd have sex with it. Most days, I don't have to be anywhere, anytime. So while that means I don't need to show up for a meeting every morning, it also means that I now enjoy the freedom to lie on my couch watching Boy Meets World reruns all morning. And when it comes to productivity, that freedom is dangerous.

And let me tell you, this guy loves him some Topanga.

So while self-employment is a dream come true, it comes with work. Because with freedom comes the tempting threat of laziness. But if you fall into that trap, you don't make money. And if you don't make money, the word "self-employment" disappears. There will be no reason to hyphenate that f*cker. There will, however, be a reason to start sending out your resume.

Just like every dream can be realized, it, too, can be squandered.

If any of you are in my boat, or plan to one day board it, remember — self-employment sure as sh*t isn't retirement. In most instances, unless you're Justin Bieber or Richard Branson, you'll actually now have to work even harder. So to avoid the all-too-inviting lazy way out, the self-employed/work-at-home types need to stay on their toes.

-First off, don't sleep late! You're working from home. You're not in college. You didn't just get sh*tfaced at nickel beer night. Get the hell out of bed, bozo.

-Also, yes, you don't have to sit in a boardroom every morning, but, as the kids say, don't get it twisted. Every night is not a weeknight. So to preserve that notion, and also to preserve your gainful self-employment, it would behoove you to reserve the lion's share of your partying for the weekends. If not, your weekends and weekdays start blurring together, and that's not a road you should go down.

-One of the perks of not having a daily commute is that you gain a few hours of your day back. Use the time wisely. Maybe start eating better. Hell, maybe even join a gym. Do something to better your life. Sadly, sitting on your couch watching reruns and eating Fritos does not qualify.