CORAL SPRINGS, FL—Mike Oakland, 29, told reporters Monday he is not about to pay $100 to have his 5-month-old cat, Mowgli, neutered, because he has no expectations that the dull, paunchy tabby will ever get laid.

Mowgli

"For all he's going to use those balls, he might as well keep them," said Oakland, adding that he'd bet anyone any amount of money that the striped kitten will die a virgin. "He never leaves the house, and I've seen how the neighbor cat looks at him. Completely platonic." When reached for comment, a spokesperson from the Florida Humane Society reiterated that it's important to have all pets spayed or neutered, even ugly lame-o's who probably couldn't score in a roomful of calicos in heat.

"I don't have any idea if my dogs respect me or not, but they're greedy and I have their stuff." -- Patty Ruzzo

"Dogs don't want to control people. They want to control their own lives." --John Bradshaw