So even though things have been all kinds of confusing with Phoenix considering that I have feelings for him and he tends to “lose focus,” we hung out last week Tuesday for the second time.

Honestly, the moments/minutes leading up to the hang out were not very pleasant. I told him that I was free anytime in the afternoon, but we never really confirmed a time, he just told me he had to leave the hang out before 4. He told me that he would text me when he left the house. This was around 12 noon. I took a quick shower and anxiously asked my dad if I could go to the library with my friend (because that’s where we were meeting up). I was really surprised when my dad said yes because he didn’t ask about my friend (or the gender of my friend). Because my dad is Indian, and ya know if I told him I was hanging out with a guy… I would never hear the end of it. But he didn’t ask me so I was in the clear.

But 2 hours passed and now I’m not sure if Phoenix is gonna cancel on me again because he hasn’t told me if he left and he left my message on read. It made me stressed out and anxious. Not only because of him, but my dad needed me to scan a whole bunch of documents… and he asked me literally the minute before he had to leave for work. So I had to do that and then I decided to text him and ask, “Did you leave yet?” I wouldn’t have texted him first but I was really stressed and I didn’t care anymore so I just sent the text.

He texted back and told me that he did leave and I should leave the house too. So I was in a literal rush now. And also, I almost forgot this. I texted my friend telling her I needed help. I was going to ask her if wearing a skirt sent the wrong signal. Yes, I am a girl and I don’t need to send him anything yet because not even a few days ago this same boy pissed me off to no end with his excuse of why he canceled on me last week (which her didn’t give me until 3 days later. He left me clueless as to why we didn’t hang out). She texted me when I was trying to rush out of the house, scanning the last document… so that makes it 3 things that rushed me. She told me no skirts and I tried to reason with her that skirts are my casual style. But then she convinced me to wear shorts, and honestly (but don’t tell her this lol) I felt more comfortable in shorts.

So then I left the house and my mom dropped me off at the library. I remember that my heart was beating really fast and palpitating because I sent my friend a text that said, “My heart is doing trippy things.” My mom pulls up to the curb and I get out. I don’t know where he is but I know that he’s there. I walk up to the library (it’s a HUGE library) and the whole area is this downtown shopping area so there are stores and people all around. I don’t know why but I turn around, maybe to see if my mom left or to see if I could find him. I didn’t actually expect him to be walking up to me. Lol I would like to think that life owes me a favor where I could at least see him before he saw me. I think he saw me getting out of the car *facepalms* which is greaaatttt because I accidentally opened the car door too far and hit a mini grass hill.

So when I turned around for a second, he was coming down these stairs and he was smirking. I didn’t realize what was happening, that he was actually walking up to me and this was actually happening until 2 seconds later. Lol for those 2 seconds I was walking to who knows where. When the realization came I was like “Woah wait where are you going? He’s walking up to you Rebecca.” So I waited for him to meet me at the bottom of this little ramp thing that he was walking down. Ugh feelings, here I come.

*A very detailed, explanatory story follows ahead which is then followed by an analysis of my feelings and thoughts. Proceed with caution.*

As soon as he walked up to me, he smiled and my mind was like “This is actually happening.” He told me that he was going to take me to a park but we walked to an ATM to get some money first and he asked me to be his bodyguard lol. And I was like, “I should just let them rob you.” Then we walked through downtown for a bit because he had to go break some change. It was funny because we walked to a 7-11 and he asked them for change and they didn’t have any. I didn’t hear the conversation he had with the cashier but I thought the cashier was getting him money because he just stood there for a few seconds but then he said, “Let’s go.” And I was like, “Wait what happened?” He told me they didn’t have any change and then I questioned why he stood there for two extra seconds. He was like, “I was in shock, I couldn’t believe it” lol that was funny.

It was weird because I swear, as soon as I got out of the car these rain droplets started falling, but it was still pretty sunny. The last time we hung out it was raining, so we had to go to the library. Then last week he canceled on me because it was raining and he wanted to hang out outdoors. And I pointed this out to him and we joked about it. But hmm is that a sign?

We walked to the park. There were other teenagers there sitting on benches next to a playground. I guess they were from our school because he said he knew them from his class but he didn’t know them know them. He didn’t want to sit there and I didn’t want to sit there because ew teenagers lol (Yes, I am fully aware that I am a teenager lol, but these were supposedly teenagers from my school ew).

So we sat on these playground chairs in the middle of the playground. These were playground chairs, so they were cramped and there were two sets of these chairs. One was on the ground level (which I could reach), the other one was up higher and you had to get to it by climbing on the ground level set. He wanted to sit up there and I didn’t mind. But being a small person (and a PROUD one at that lol) he had to lift me up… Yeah… Honestly, I have to admit that the way he lifted me up was really weird. This chair consisted of two chairs connected to each other. So he laid down on the chairs, they were like u-shaped chillax chairs— they curved so you could lay down and like look at the clouds. But I sat next to him while he laid down (I was facing him) and we just talked about what we’ve been up to so far and how life’s been and other small stuff. Then a little girl wanted to sit on the chairs so we moved.

We moved to the benches (the other teens left) and talked some more. Someone called him and he talked in his native language and it was honestly so cool. Then we talked about the languages our families speak in. Which then made him ask me to say some words in my language, but I was embarrassed because I don’t talk in my parent’s native language, I just understand and listen to them because I only talk in English. So I was self-conscious of saying words wrong because I have no Indian accent whatsoever (it’s sad). But, he was literally so sweet. He was like “So what? I don’t even know if you’re saying it wrong so there’s nothing to worry or be freaked out about. I’m not going to judge you. I want to hear some words.” I told him what rain is (not considering the coincidental value this word already has). I don’t know how but we talked about going far away some day and he made us shake our hands (I know, was it a business deal? lol) as a deal to drive away from everything one day.

Then the benches got boring so we went back to the playground chairs. And this time… physical. Ok, you have to believe me when I said I TRIED. I really did. Because last time we hung out he was very touchy feely. I mean he’s a touchy feely person in general. But… ok the last time we hung out he tickled me (we were both sitting in chairs) and I don’t know I ended up on the floor and I ended up putting my head on his knee (TRUST ME, it isn’t as weird as it sounds) then we went on the bus and he tickled me again and I ended up putting my head on his shoulder and leaving it there and sometimes he put his head on my head. And he kept brushing strands of hair out of my face multiple times to “help me out.” So that was the last hang out and it kind of ruined me, so I mentally prepared myself for his touchy feeli-ness because I knew it would just ruin me later in the future.

But he was right there and my heart was just speaking for me. I mean you can convince yourself not to do something when you look back at it or if you’re away from the person, but being there in the moment with him, it was hard. We sat on the chairs again: he laid down and I sat upwards with my back to his knee like last time. I had my knees folded and sat and one of his hands opened out and I laid my folded knee in the direction of his stomach and he rested his hand on/around my knee. Then my leg cramped and I had to move and suddenly his arm rested near, some might even say around my waist (urgh).

And he kept playing with my life. I’m a small person compared to him and he took up half the chair space. He pretended to drop me and we were higher up, so it was scary, but not really because I knew he was just playing around. But my heart dropped the first time he did it because honestly, I wasn’t expecting it and the way he held me after he almost dropped me was fhjbjlumtdbt. He kept doing it and each time he did it he pulled me closer and I… came closer too buttttttttt I stopped myself. We also talked in between.

Then my foot was cramping so I had to lay down next to him. And he was like “Yeah, lay down, look at the clouds.” So I did and it was so nice. I pointed out a plane to him and felt like a little kid lol. But the reason I didn’t want to lay down next to him was that I thought he was going to do this one thing that I was scared of him doing: putting his arm around my shoulders. Because he is touchy feely and you can never tell. When I laid down he didn’t do anything for a few minutes. So you know how people put their arms behind their head in a sort of chillaxing way? He did that and this fool took up half my head space.. and he knew that he was doing that. I asked him to move but he just smirked- the nerve. So for the sake of my head and not wanting to fall off the chair, I had to put my head on his arm. And suddenly he moved his arm position and did exactly that: put his arm around my shoulder. I didn’t even realize when it was happening. Then, after a while, my neck started hurting, I don’t know there’s something wrong with my alignment I swear I have the back/neck of an old lady. So I told him and he tried fixing it by moving us higher but it didn’t help so I had to put my head into his chest area a little bit, but NOT on his chest, more into his arm if ya get what I mean. So yeah… there was that.

There were these small moments of silence, but it wasn’t awkward, it was like this calmness like one of those “I’m happy to be here with you” moments. That’s how I felt, I don’t know about him. Then while I was laying there I thought: Wow, it’s like we’re a casual couple hanging out at the park forgetting about the worries of the world. But wait one thing is missing: he doesn’t have feelings for me. So I felt complete (in my heart’s sense) but also heartbroken.

Also, he was supposed to leave at 5:30 to soccer practice and his friend called and he told them that he was on his way but he kept staying there with me because he made the point that he always practices soccer but he barely sees me. Of course, that didn’t help me. It made my heart go up but it also broke a little. Because he is insanely busy and he told me that next week he’s going out of state for a soccer thing and I don’t know why but my heart dropped but it’s not like I was going to see him next week or anything so I don’t know why I was feeling that.

We left the park at around 6 and I told him that my stomach was hurting because I hardly ate anything (there was no food at my house and my summer hunger is very weird) and we went to a store and he got me fries and he paid for me and I have no idea why he did that. That’s also a reason why I told him that it’s no bother that if we don’t get food because I knew he would be a gentleman and pay.

Then we had to go different directions and my heart dropped again. He told me the directions to the library, we side-hugged (which is something I kind of regret now because I wish I gave him a real hug but one hand was holding the bag of fries and the other held my phone). I told him that if I got kidnapped it would be his fault lol. Then I walked off and it took everything in me not to turn around and face him because if I did I would never want to leave. Of course, my resolve was not great. I did eventually turn back, but I turned when he was crossing the street.

Of course, I didn’t feel all that great after the hang out because I was thinking of something he said a few minutes before we left each other: he told me that if he saw me on a date whilst he was walking downtown (which was where we were) he would be like “Ooooh I see you, Rebecca.” And his reaction was so genuine and it’s something any of my other friends would say, there was no underlying meaning or pain in what he said we weren’t even talking about me and a date- he just brought it up.

I was feeling down because I’m so deep in the friendzone. I just feel like such a girl. Not even two seconds ago I was angry at him and now, I don’t even know.

And I called him like half an hour after we left each other because my mom wasn’t home and I needed a ride (my parents wouldn’t let me drive the van alone and honestly I’m scared to drive it… even though license I know, it’s just a huge car. Plus I would need to park it and there are parking meters and parking lots I have to consider, remember this is a shopping center). So I called to ask him how much the bus cost but he didn’t pick up, I think he was already at practice by then. Then he called me later when I was venting to my friend (about him) and I thought twice about not answering it but I didn’t know the outcomes of that so I just picked up. I told him why I called him and yeah… I just wanted to stay on the phone longer with him and yep I am ruined. Ugh, it also doesn’t help that he always says, “Stay safe” as often as he says hi or goodbye. Ugh ugh ugh.

It’s just so confusing for my heart because it’s as if there are two sides of him. There’s the real-life him. Who’s honestly so sweet and chill. Then there’s the texting side of him who’s a jerk and leaves me hanging some days. I don’t like the whole game, it has me pulling on my hairs and questioning my sanity.

And it doesn’t help that my friends keep telling me, “Oh, he wouldn’t do that if you two were ‘just friends’.” It’s all just a tangled mess of what do I do? Does he like me? Is he worth it considering all he’s done to me?

Feelings are a pool of “I don’t want this.” But just like I told one of my friends who’s also feeling overwhelming emotions: “It’s better to feel something than it is feeling nothing.”

Excuse me is there some time genie I could talk to about this? Because…

06.21.17

I GOT MY FRICKIN LICENSE!!!

Of course, I was so nervous and I blanked out when I had to start the car (fortunately they didn’t test me on that).

But my uncle knew I was nervous and he eased my nerves. Practicing with him has helped me a lot (I mean compared to my dad’s teaching yelling, yes, my uncle has helped me a lot). He prayed for me before the test and he kept me calm. And the moment I passed he gave me a side hug and told me that he knew I could do it.

So during the test, I was a shaky mess. But I kept under the speed limit and kept within the lines, and parked very nicely. The lady wasn’t mean, she was very calm. When she said the words, “You passed.” I couldn’t really believe it because she said like it was something casual and she like packed it in with the rest of what she said, so the “You passed” was packed in with everything else she said. But once I registered it, it was like “Wait, what? Did you just say I passed? I passed?!?” I was smiling so much, everyone in front of the motor vehicle place was staring at me like “Why is this girl smiling she’s literally walking into the place where time stands still (because it literally does)?”

Even though I was really happy, the place really killed my vibe. I waited until the place closed aka 2 hours later. I was cold and hungry. I really don’t know what happened. They never called my ticket number. By the time I went to the counter and the lady (who I have to say, was extremely nice) asked me “Are you excited to get your license?” I responded with excitement, or at least I tried to… the near-hypothermia might’ve messed up the excitement.

But on Monday, I got my license in the mail and I’m so so so happy.

06.28.17

I took my senior pictures!!

I had to go to school early for this college workshop at like 10 until 12 then I had to go for my pictures at 1:15. So what would I do for an hour and 15 minutes? I went to Macdonald’s. It was so nice. I just spent time with myself sipping a smoothie. But I didn’t feel lonely. It was so nice to just be in that moment with myself.

Lol then I had to do my makeup in a Macdonald’s bathroom. But can I just say that the one near my school, the one I went to, they play some really good music. Lol I felt so pumped and confident while I put my makeup on.

Then I went back to school to take the pictures. You know what they were playing when I walked in? A Fifth Harmony song. They were playing Fifth. Harmony. It’s like they knew I was coming lol. It turned out really good. The photographer was really nice and he actually showed me the pictures and I looked so grown up that I had to take a reality check and ask myself “Woah, wait, that’s really me?”

So yeah that’s been the growing up that I’ve done so far. Honestly, I’m not freaking out like “Nooooo, I don’t want to grow up!” I’m kind of finding myself easing into all of this day by day. Like I”m growing up, finally. I’m maturing. I’m becoming who I am.

I mean I had anxiety in both instances. Mostly in the second instance because no one was there with me. But I made it through. I made it through? Agh I did!

So I don’t know if anyone’s noticed if I’ve been gone or if anyone remembers who I am. I’ve been gone longer than I… planned? expected? I never really planned or expected to actually be “gone.” I think the term “taking a break” would fit better.

Like I said I never really expected or planned to be gone or to take a break. But days just turned into weeks and then weeks turned into a month.

During the time that I left, I was going through some crappy feelings and I felt like I needed to sort that out. Because I didn’t just want to keep posting about some guy… I felt like that was… dumb? I just felt like the content of my blog would be downgraded if I talked about the same subject (Phoenix). And I know it’s my blog I should feel free to talk about whatever I want but it didn’t feel like that during the time that I left. It just felt like my job was to please people.

So I needed to take time away from posting, from the likes, from the follows, from everything. I needed to talk to my friends about him. I needed to not make my situation into a blog post because it didn’t help.

(If you’re interested in what did help this situation then, please keep reading.)

Because blogging didn’t help I thought that maybe I should stop making blog posts… Yes, I actually considered it. Because as weeks went by I didn’t really find myself wanting to go back to writing blog posts and I don’t know why… One of the reasons why I made a blog is because I wanted to get my feelings and thoughts out there and it helped. But if it couldn’t help me with Phoenix and that whole damn thing could it ever help me again? What was the point if writing out my feelings couldn’t help me anymore?

But then I forgot the other reason that I started this blog. Because it’s been like my diary. I wanted a place I could go to where I could remember everything that has happened to me and all I’ve been through. So hopefully one day in the future I can be like “Wow, I made it through.”

Today, I was scrolling through my old blog posts because I needed to find some poems to enter into this scholarship program and I found myself looking at all these stories and all these emotions and feelings and it’s. all. there.

What?

Me. I’m here. I’m there. My feelings. My emotions. My thoughts. They’re all here. There are so many pieces of myself on this blog. Not only that but who I am is here in this blog. And I don’t think I can let hopelesslystrong go. I couldn’t give this up. I couldn’t let this go. I forgot how much I could say without feeling the need to hold back.

Plus I don’t think I would be able to make that goodbye post and say goodbye to those of you who have been there to always make me smile (I would probably ask you guys for another way of communication so we would be able to talk) But still it wouldn’t feel the same to say goodbye to hopelesslystrong.

So I’m trying this again. And hopefully, this will be a new beginning for hopelesslystrong. And I knowwww I feel like I should have a new theme or a new background or something. But I’m pretty happy with my background so no drastic changes to my site lol. Just a new start, mentally, for this blog. So… a lot has happened since I’ve been gone:

Hopelesslystrong turned 2 years old! I’m so proud of this blog and what it’s done, not only for me, but for what it has done for others (e.g. when people tell me that my posts teach them something new). Being gone has made me appreciate this blog more and I want to say thank you to every one of you who have kept me strong because I could never be here without you guys.

The whole Phoenix thing is resolved. We’re friends again. I had to let go of the “chapstick thing” No, trust me he’s a good guy. During that whole time, he wasn’t talking to me and I wasn’t talking to him I had a lot of doubts and the one question that bothered me so much was Did it even faze him that we weren’t talking? Well, he told me that when someone is quiet with him then he’s quiet too and loses focus… I know that might sound like some confusing shh-tuff (my attempt at trying not to curse) it was confusing to me too, but he’s a good friend. Yeah, friend. He’s not really a good person to fall for though. Even though my heart might beg to differ. I mean I don’t think you would want the person you’re falling for to say that they were losing focus over you and your friendship together. But other than that, we hung out together after school and it was honestly so nice. We went to this huge library and just talked. We talked about our lives, our pasts, our fears, anything and everything and it was so nice. We talked for maybe 4 or 5 hours. It was just nice to feel happy without overthinking about it. But trust me, I’m a football thrown into the friendzone.

I took the SAT!!!! And I survived it!!! I honestly don’t know how. I burned my brain the week beforehand studying and my eyebags has eyebags. I don’t know how I did but I feel okay about it. I did what I could and I’m okay with it. I’m just happy I survived (really thought I wouldn’t make it out alive… okay stop being overdramatic Rebecca… I’m sorry)

I have no idea about college applications. That sentence didn’t even make sense. All that sentence means is college apps = ew. That whole thing is on my shoulders and I’m trying to take a college credit class but I’m kind of on uneasy terms with my dad and he’s the one I have to talk to about taking the class. I asked him and he said he would think about it but he hasn’t told me anything. I’m on uneasy terms with him because he wants me to be a doctor but… no, thank you. I cannot be held responsible for someone else’s life and I hate being around sick people. I already have the worst immune system ever. I’m thinking of majoring in forensic science and having a minor in music because I can’t let go of my dream. I also have a bunch of anxiety thinking of asking my teachers for recommendation letters and going to my counselor to talk to him about this.

Andddd…. it’s the last week of school this week! And honestly, I’m really ecstatic and scared at the same time. Happy because yessssssss I very much want this stress to be over. Also, I might get my license over the summer but I’m so anxious to take the test. But scared because I don’t know how many of you read my posts during spring break but if you did you would know I had the worst spring break ever. I was so mentally broken down. Because I never got out of my house and I hated seeing these same four walls and I really don’t want that to be my summer. I don’t want to have a boring summer, that might seem like something overdramatic like who cares if you have a boring summer? It just mentally breaks me down being and doing the same thing over and over again. I’m also scared because of the friends I’ve made this year. I think you might know where this conversation is leading. Fake friends. I think I can pretty much tell the “friends” who are going to turn into fake friends. But actually being extremely close to the possibility that the people I’ve made as friends are going to leave me in the dust make it all so tiring.

I thought that if there was a possibility that this come-back post was, in fact, going to happen that I would be in a happy place. But I’m honestly not in a happy place. I’m stressed and tired and I want to just give up sometimes.

But then I remember the small amount of people who have always had my back. I remember all those other times I wanted to give up but didn’t and there’s a reason I didn’t. Because I’m curious. I’m curious as to what my future has in store for me. Yes, even though school is going to be over, college decision-making is still going to be on my back and that stresses me out to no end. But I’m taking it one day at a time. And I know that God won’t let me down. My faith isn’t something I want to doubt or let go of. I think I’ve done that too many times before in the past.

So that’s what’s been happening to me in the past month, how have all of you been? I honestly hope you’re doing good. I’ve missed you guys so much! Hopefully, with everything on my plate, I’ll still be able to make blog posts because nothing is better than the feeling of typing endlessly not having to hold back on anything.

These are the friends I made back in the day lol. These are the friends who knew me before I knew myself. The friends who were there before, during, and after puberty.

Best friends are people you can always go to, no matter what. No matter how long ago you’ve last talked to each other. They’re always there.

To give you a smile, to make you laugh, to talk about the little things, and to talk about the deep things.

The other day when I felt empty and felt like giving up I texted one of my best friends. I didn’t expect a reply or for her to care as much as she did. I texted her Saturday night and waited a few hours but no reply.

Saturday night turned into Sunday morning and the only person who texted me was my uncle wanting to take me on a driving lesson.

An important detail to the story: I like to keep my phone on silent because keeping it on sound gives me too much anxiety. If I’m waiting for a person to text me, I’ll be constantly on the prowl hoping/waiting for them to respond and I hate that feeling.

So while I was watching a TV series on my computer Sunday night my brother walks into my room telling me that my best friend’s mom was calling, telling me to call my best friend. I’m confused. So I check my silent phone and see a bunch of messages, a missed call, and a voicemail. My friend cared so much as to ask her mom to call my house to make sure that I was okay.

My friend cared so much as to ask her mom to call my house to make sure that I was okay. That’s the kind of person I needed, I need.

I had a wonderful conversation with my friend. She listened to everything I had to get off my chest while advising me and making me feel okay about what I’m feeling. Then we talked about the future and she said that my future doesn’t have to be more crap. My future will be whatever I want it to be, whatever I work hard for it to be.

Talking to her just made the emptiness I was feeling, less empty. I was so afraid of talking to this friend because I thought that I was bothering her, but she told me that I never bother her and she wanted to make sure that I know that.

And then the next day, Monday, I went to my other best friend’s house and we watched movies and played badminton. Today, I sat in the car while she drove and vice versa.

Whenever we spend time with each other laughing is like breathing to us. It’s such a weight off my shoulders to forget about all the stress, or remember the stress and laugh about it.

It’s just really nice to spend time with or talk to the people who have known you for all or life, or who know you for who you are. The people who aren’t fake and don’t have to question your friendship status. These are the people you should put in your life.

Because these are the people who will help you bring you out of the ashes and out of the darkness. These are the people who will give you happiness, even if it’s for a little bit- it’ll be genuine happiness.

Even if you’re not sure who your best friends are or if you can even consider someone your best friend, people who care enough to make sure you don’t give up are people worth keeping around.