"Mommy, Daddy Looks at Boobies"

So my kid's dad and I aren't together anymore. He lives in an apartment with a roommate, but when she spends the night with him they usually go to his parents' house because there's more room and toys and she sees her cousins more frequently.

So the other day, my four year old said to me, "Mommy, Daddy was looking at boobies on the 'puter, but sshhhhhh because it's a secret." If I remember the layout of his parents' computer room correctly, the computer screen is turned away from the door, so anyone entering the room can't see it. Maybe they changed it, I don't know. She is very honest and intelligent, and I don't doubt what she's saying at all.

Sometimes when she and I are on the computer and looking at fashion slideshows, a boob will pop up on the screen, and I don't overreact about it (more about that). I can't in any way see him looking at some fashion article. I'm about 99.999 percent sure he was looking at porn and she caught him.

If he has to rub one out while she's there, whatever. I just really think he should do it in the shower or something. And if he is going to be looking at porn while she's there, he should really be quick enough to turn it off before she sees. This really upsets me that he's being so careless about what he's exposing her to.

He and I had a very bad break-up, so bad that his father acts as a go-between when he wants to see her: calling me, setting up pick-up times, relaying messages (and before anyone says it, yes it really was that bad of a break-up). If I bring this up to his father, it will only cause drama, so I'm planning on dropping it unless it happens again. He and I also used to indulge in adult movies/toys/magazines, so I almost feel like I'm the pot and he's the kettle, you know?

Am I over-reacting? Doing the right thing? Not doing enough? What do you think?

By signing up, I agree to the Terms and to receive emails from POPSUGAR.

4 years

I found this site looking for just how to deal with this sort of thing. We are separated, divorce not final yet, and separated husband has joint custody. Separated husband has a girlfriend up where he lives every OTHER week, north of here. On his child care weeks, son's father lives in a one-room open plan converted garage (and shares bed with my son) in "my" town with my son. When son is asleep, he surfs porn. Son, who 7 yrs old, wakes up in the middle of night, sees the stuff on screen, gets an eyeful, comes home and tells me that "dad is looking at horrible pictures of naked girls that aren't Maria (his girlfriend) - should I tell Maria", obviously I said no, don't tell Maria, from what I hear of her she wouldn't care anyway (*cough*!), but it's not okay to be wanking to pics of naked girls in the same room a child is sleeping - that is a different story. He says the minute his dad sees he is watching he switches the screen, but son can get an eyeful if he simply wakes up and lies in bed (it's just one room!) and looks over at dad's screen. Husband used to have a teen porn addiction problem (one reason I left him - being an IT guy though, he was good at hiding/moving the stuff). Not sure what to do, asked lawyer and waiting for answer, but don't want to persecute the father over an issue like that, it would just go against me in court...just write to husband and remind him to be more discreet and leave it at that? Should I mention it to the lawyer for child and see if it's something I even have a right to object to, or...

Thank you all very much for your comments. Maybe it would have helped if I had explained the situation between him and me a bit further: when I first got together with him, I knew he had a temper, but I am very easy going and got along well with him anyway. Over the three years we were together, his 'temper' turned into physical violence, and I left him. He stalked, threatened, and harassed me to the point where I had no choice but to press charges. He only spent three months in jail, which was not easy for me, because if I had presses all the charges I could, he would have been in prison. I now have a no-contact order (temporary restraining order) against him, and it expires a little over a year from now.
Thinking I was being 'mature,' I let him walk through it, and he spit it my face and called me a 'bad mommy' in front of our then 2 year old, and I again refused to talk to him. A few months later, she ended up in the hospital (over minor health concerns), and he and I talked there and (unwisely) I let him into my life again. The ex ended up getting my new (now ex) boyfriend's number- I think he stole it out of a mutual friend's phone- and stalked and harassed both me and the new (now ex) boyfriend, so I cut ties with him again. Though he has called and driven by my house a few times- with the little one in the car- the situation is a lot better, and I think I made the right decision NOT throwing him in prison.
There was a brief period after the ex and I broke up when I didn't trust him with her, not that he would hurt her, but maybe he would run off with her, and I only let him see her while his parents were supervising. He has been going to his shrink and AA meetings and taking his meds and has made INCREDIBLE progress and I am very happy for him. HOWEVER, he had his second and third chance and blew them both, and there's NO WAY IN HELL I'm putting myself in the position to be harassed again until this no-contact order ends.
Neveah, a co-parenting class is a WONDERFUL WONDERFUL WONDERFUL idea for us once we begin speaking again. I was planning on going out to lunch to talk with him, but that seems like a safe, professional, and controlled environment. Thank you.
We've exchanged letters in the past, and I think that's what I'm going to do now- not only about this, but about how I've been raising her and what my plans are for both her and me in the future. She'll be starting school soon and I'm planning on going back to school soon too, and those are things that he needs to be aware of.
As for him molesting her, that just seems impossible to me. He has a huge (religious and dramatic) family and loves kids. When it comes to any kids, he's as loving and protecting as he can be. I've always said, no matter how bad it got between him and me, he's always been good to her. I've never prevented her from seeing him, and never will.
I wish I could talk to him, but like I said, I tried (and tried and tried) and he blew it. There's no chance of us ever getting back together, but I do still care about him very much and I miss being friends with him. And if he still keeps up his crazy behavior, I'll have no choice but to get a permanent restraining order. I don't want the little one growing up with parents who don't get along (mine are divorced and I know how it feels), but I also don't want her to think that it's okay to treat someone bad, or to let someone treat you bad because you think you're doing the 'mature' thing.
Thank you all again for your comments!

5 years

So everyone seems to be on the same page here and I agree. Yes, he MAY just have gotten caught by your daughter and told her it's a secret to avoid problems, BUT it could also be a deeper issue. DON'T jump to conclusions or accuse him of molesting your daughter, but DO ask why he was looking at porn while she was awake and while other kids were up and around and why he told her to keep it a secret.
I like the idea of meeting with him AND his parents at the same time to discuss this. That way you can speak directly to him which you need to do, but also so his parents know and can keep an eye on him and your daughter. Maybe you can talk to his dad about setting up a time when you can all get together (instead of just showing up) and discuss this so everyone knows what happened and what was said between you. Maybe you should print off these responses so he can understand why you might be concerned.
Def. agree w/ anonymous #13 that you should have a talk with your daughter about secrets and let her know it was a good thing she came to you even though she was told it's a secret.
You say you're worried you are being a hypocrite. Well, when you and your ex indulged in this adult entertainment was it in the same room your daugheter was playing? If no, then you have nothing to worry about. It is NOT the same thing. You were two adults sexually involved in private, not where your daughter could see.
The conversation may be uncomfortable, but it'll be a heck of a lot worse if you find out something horrible is happening to your daughter down the line.
And please, please, try to make some headway in your relationship with your ex. My parents are divorced and it is hell when your parents are always fighting or refuse to have anything to do with each other. My parents have had ups and downs and life was always so much easier for us kids when they would put aside their problems so we could all get together for birthdays and holiday. They may not have been super friendly, but they called a truce and would never fight during those events. Most parents say they would die for their child. Then why is it so hard to at least pretend toget along with an ex for your child?

5 years

This is HIGHLY disturbing. The secret part alone should get you to face the father head on. Do not go through the Father in Law. I would go directly to her father over something this serious.

Anon 18: You still shouldn't jump to conclusions. The daughter will think she's being punished if the Mom cuts ties. It's not fair for the daughter or her father if nothing is going on. The child will feel guilt for telling on her father and that could break their bond. Until the issue gets straightened out, I would suggest only letting the father take her to public settings or make sure the guys Dad is always watching. I agree that he shouldn't be spending time looking at porn while he has limited time with his daughter, but maybe it was a 1 time thing. The poster said herself that the father usually takes the daughter over to his parents, but maybe this incident happened at his own place. Maybe the daughter was napping, woke up, and walked in on it. I agree with the "better safe than sorry" attitude, but cutting off ties isn't that.

This is very disturbing. It's bad enough to witness your father watching porn. But the fact that he told her "shh it's a secret" should be sounding of the alarms. He should not be looking at porn while he has his child, much less while she is awake.
I grew up with a dad who idolized porn. From when I was a little kid on, I used to catch my dad watching porn in the living room all the time. It's grossed me out and made me resentful. I can't look at my dad without thinking of the fact that he was always watching soft-core porn. Nip this in the bud before it becomes something your daughter remembers.

5 years

"if i were in ur situation i would not allow him any contact with ur daughter anymore. talk with ur daughter and ask more questions to make sure she was not harmed . im sure theres more to what she is talking about..how would she know that "daddy" is the one who sees boobies and not someone else??...her father should not have been looking at that in the first place especially when spending time with her. he has no excuse."
"I think that you are a mother and it's your JOB to protect your child from anything that might harm her. Porn is not ok for a child to view and it bothers me that he might be watching it while she was awake. Now that you know about this situation you are just as easy to blame if he is abusing her or exposing her to something perverted. "
yes i agree. safety first and better safe than sorry. i really hope you take this seriously. this is grounds for suspending custody and there is a reason for that.
if he only sees his daughter sometimes does he really need to spend that time looking at porn? he is either irresponsible, neglectful or worse, something bad. make sure he knows this is serious, even if it was just out of irresponsablity its a big deal and need to be addressed. and also tell him its innapropriate to ask her to keep secrets from you. dont worry about the pot kettle as what you do is not related to how you raise your kid what you expose her to and who you ask her to keep secrets from.
you are way too laid back about this.
also, don't go through his dad. suck up your pride and talk to him in front of his parents. maybe come over when shes at their place but asleep. record the conversation if possible (with a secret device) and write down the details of what she told you.predators do ease their prey into the game sometimes and this could be just the begining. dont assume anything or give the benefit of the doubt, put your daughters interests before everything. would it also be appropriate to let a child psychologist to question her before you further question her or let her father know that you know?
do the right thing, woman!

I would definitely mention it to his father or him directly if you can. It's not OK for your daughter to be exposed to porn and it's 100000% not OK for her to keep something like that a secret from you. He should be spending QT with her during the visit and not watching porn regardless if he didn't expect her to see it or if she was busy playing with her cousins.

Whoa, a little harsh, Glam, to cut off ties with her father based on an assumption. You're jumping to conclusions, it's possible she just walked in on him looking at porn. I'm sure the little girls Dad was just embarrassed and was afraid she would go off telling everyone, so he said to keep it a secret.
OP: Definitely discuss this with your ex's father. Talk about your concerns so he can keep an eye open for any unusual behavior and talk with his son.

i completely agree with "mix tape"when u wrote that she said "..but sshhhhhh because it's a secret"....this disturbed me immediately...obviously he told her this and shes repeating it. ( because children repeat everything) if the computer is facing away from the door...then my only other guess is he is showing her porn. if i were in ur situation i would not allow him any contact with ur daughter anymore. talk with ur daughter and ask more questions to make sure she was not harmed . im sure theres more to what she is talking about..how would she know that "daddy" is the one who sees boobies and not someone else??...her father should not have been looking at that in the first place especially when spending time with her. he has no excuse.

5 years

Even more disturbing than the image exposure is the fact that her father presumably asked your daughter to keep a secret from you. This is a very dangerous thing. I think that the most important reaction from you should be to have a talk with your daughter about secrets. Praise her for coming to you and telling you (which really is a very GOOD thing), you want to encourage her feeling that she can come to you with ANYTHING even if someone else (even her father) said not to. Emphasize that anything that makes her feel uncomfortable -- she should definitely tell you and you will help her.
As for the porn - the issue here is not judging him for looking at porn, it's whether a child should be exposed to this. And the answer is obviously she should NOT be. You need to be the parent for her and protect her. I would assume in this case it was an accident - he wasn't purposely showing her nude photos - but it still needs to be addressed. Go ahead and be non-judgemental (I'm sure it was an accident, I'm sure it won't happen again) but let him know unequivocally that this is not acceptable to you. It was suggested writing him a letter, that sounds like the most practical in this case (or maybe email).
I also can't help but think that another reason for confronting him is to prevent any possibility that this might have been on purpose - ie sexual abuse. If so, he knows you will call him on it and this is a deterrent.

Just discuss this matter with him like an adult. I'm sure everything will turn out fine as long as you don't nag about it and never give him a chance to speak.
Communication is best especially when you have a child between you.

Well by your tone it sounds like you understand each other pretty well then I saw your pot and kettle comment and said ahhh.
I would just be simple about it don't involve the father but right a note to him put it in an envelope for the dad to give to him. Basically just say hey I can give a $hit it you look at porn non of my business but our daughter just happened to mention to me that you were looking at boobs on the "puter" so just be a parent about it and makes sure she doesn't see. Thanks.

I would address this now because it could become more graphic next time. I would talk to the ex's father about initiating parental controls on the computer and say what your child said she had seen. When the ex asks his dad why are there are controls he can clue him in. I agree that's not something I would watch at my parents home with my child present no matter what hour. It's just too weird.

5 years

Just relay the message your child gave you.
Then let it go.
You shouldn't have to say anything else.

It kinda creeps me out how she said "but shh it's a secret." That's something that child molesters tell their victims. I don't think you're over reacting, I think that you are a mother and it's your JOB to protect your child from anything that might harm her. Porn is not ok for a child to view and it bothers me that he might be watching it while she was awake. Now that you know about this situation you are just as easy to blame if he is abusing her or exposing her to something perverted. I hope it was just an accident, but keep on top of it!

She's four years old.. why exactly can't he wait to watch that when she's already in bed? It IS a big deal for several reasons. I would mention it to his father if you can't bring yourselves to speak to each other. I can't judge not knowing why your break up was so bad, who knows what was involved, but i do agree that eventually the go between thing is going to become impossible. You're raising a child, eventually you will have to have many discussions on the choices and disciplines. She wont be an easy 4 year old forever and the teenage years are rough.
First - it doesnt sound like he really has her that often, which really means the time he gets with her should be spent with her, not online looking at porn.
Secondly - she's four years old and absolutely should not be exposed to porn. I'm really free and open with porn, but its an adult activity period. Boys will be boys is one of the biggest cop outs ever. He is an adult. He should be acting as a mature responsible father when he has his kid over.
Thirdly - Not to nitpick, but does he really have such a huge sex drive that he has to view porn and take care of things during normal hours while at his fathers house? A house that has other children running around? Why in the hell is he looking at porn during a time that children can catch him? That's kind of the thing you do at home, in your own time. I think it really has a lot to do with priorities.
Mention it, it's important. It may seem like an overreaction now, but things have a way of escalating.

You are not over reacting at all! When you have a child there are things that are not appropriate for the child, period! I also think that you need to let go of the break up and have a civil relationship with him, for your child's sake.

I don't know, I would let it go for now, but say something to his dad if it comes up again. It was probably an accident, and no use making things any worse in your relationship if it was just an accident. You might be just setting yourself up for the next time you do something inadvertent/ accidental around the child. It's just a boob, let it go unless it continues to be an actual problem.

I'm in the middle. Boys will be boys. Boys usually have to take care of that sort of thing.
He's not forcing your daughter into watching porn with him. As far as you know, he's not sexually abusing her.
As long as he's being discreet, I don't see a problem. The computer was turned away from the door, right? So she would have had to get pretty close to him to see. Just talk to his dad and ask if he'll talk to your ex about making better entertainment choices when your daughter's around and that maybe the porn should wait until after bed.

If you two cannot talk...I would mention it to his father. Let him figure out how to word it to his son. It doesn't need to be a big deal (yet anyway). But I think it would be good to let him know that you know and that your daughter understands what he is looking at.

You need to maturely speak to him about it when you two are alone with enough time to speak, with NO interruptions. Stay calm and don't go TOO overboard on him. Stay peaceful for your child's sake. They need to grow up with both good parents.