Kid Crossroads

I always wanted two kids, maaaaybe three if the first two were the same gender. They’d be evenly spaced – two years apart, close enough in age that they could play, but wouldn’t have the same classes at school. And we’d all live happily ever after.

After Madeline was born, I was afraid to have another child. Typical parent stuff – I didn’t know how I could possible love another child the way I loved her. Maddie had been through so much, she was so special, there was no way another child could be so special. Not to mention the trauma of her pregnancy. But, just like every other mom, I pushed the hard stuff to the back of my mind, and Mike and I were ready for another (possibly final) child.

And then everything changed.

Now, if my body could handle it (and Dr. Risky wouldn’t kill me) I would try for another child. And another. And another. My desire for lots and lots of children is overwhelming at times. I talk to my therapist about this a lot.

I just feel this…yearning, deep inside me, to be surrounded by my children. It’s almost desperation. And I keep telling my therapist that I think it’s because I am afraid to have another child die, afraid to be alone, and if I have a bunch of kids at least one of them will live an entire life. It’s complicated and messy and irrational.

I am never going to get my Maddie back. I am never going to be without the fear that I’ll lose another child. Somehow I am going to have to figure out how to live through this (that doesn’t involve exploding my uterus).

Luckily for my uterus, this child of mine has the energy of dozens and the attitude of thousands, so she does a good job of keep my reproductive urges to a minimum.

Although, her cuteness kind of makes me wonder what other ones would look like…

I feel the same way. I am closing in on 40, already have nine, and dream about twin girls all the time. I do love being pregnant and having tiny babies, then toddlers, and on and on. They are so, so lovely. Until the hit about 12, but they get lovely again around 17 or 18!
I don’t know what your medical situation is, Heather, it seemed complicated with both your girls, but I truly don’t think you’d be sorry about having lots of kids, whether by birth or adoption, but you are young, and very strong, I bet you could have several more with the proper care, and your children will always be glad for the siblings – they are the greatest gift you can give your child!

Terri says:

Heather I feel the same and I’ve never had something so horrible happen. I’ve lost by miscarriage and I also have the fear of being alone and being left without children. Its hard to explain. I’m glad you have a therapist to talk to. I’m not able to have another child or else I would be pregnant now and probably be like the Duggars. If I did ever get pregnant again, and somehow manage to carry the baby I’m almost sure I would still want another! You have beautiful girls, I hope you are able to have many more, safely, if that’s what you choose. I’m sure they will all be just as adorable as Maddie and Annie.

Mary Ann says:

The one thing in life that I was always sure of was that I wanted children. Even as a child I was obsessed with babies. I never understood how anyone wouldn’t want one. I never in a million years thought it wouldn’t happen but it did I…sigh … don’t have any. I have five wonderful neices and the best Godson on the planet, who I love to spoil and am surrounded by children all day as a teacher, but it’s not the same. I still have baby fever and probably will forever. Love that look in her eyes…

Rebecca says:

I’m so glad you wrote this – I have felt the same way. My fear is just from being in the NICU for 3.5 months and seeing how hard it was for my daughter to fight and become a “normal” child. I often worry about losing her still (2 years later) and sometimes yearn for at least 2 more because what if something still happens to her or another one? And then I feel crazy, because who plans to have a bunch of children thinking something will happen to them? The NICU definitely scarred me big time and I can only imagine the depth of your scars. I also have to think about me and at the same time I wonder, what if something happened to me in another pregnancy (I was pretty high risk). I can’t leave my daughter without a mother. It’s a whole messy conflict back and forth in my mind. If money wasn’t an issue, I would love to adopt in a few years..an older child so they’re close in age (what I always wanted too). Thank you, thank you for sharing what I often think about and don’t say.

heather – even though i have not lost a child I get this. out second was a hard hard baby he was sick a lot and many times I didnt think he would make it through the night, while we were going through that i thought i would never want another and yes now I do too! Good luck and maybe just maybe things will work out and you will have many more!

Our circumstances are different (our daughter has been under the care of Hospice for over a year) but this entry resonated with me. We had a plan similar to yours, two children, two years apart… There’s something about watching her die that makes me wish for a dozen more, hopeful that each of them would carry a small part of her, and that they could help carry me through the grief…

Oh girl! I’m right there with you! I just had my 2nd (he’ll be 1 next month) and I’m so at odds with the part of me that loves being pregnant and giving birth and wanting my life back, wanting to be able to sleep a whole night, wanting to be able to read for long periods of time.

I have written many blogs on the subject too, I just don’t know what to do with my urges to get pregnant again. The sad thing is that I love pregnancy and birth, not so fond of the infant stage.

I want “The Cosby Kids” and all of their personalities; I want the academic and studious one, the bohemian, artistic and flakey one, the anxiety ridden one, the clown and the baby. I want to stand back someday and say: “Wow, look how many KINDS of people I made….”

But, you have to get through all of those “first years” to get that family and I’m just not sure I’m willing to sacrifice what I need to do to have that and I’m not sure I have the patience and energy to do it.

michelle says:

Your comment just caught my attention. I’m a 30 year old mom with 4 kids. Not one of our children were planned (we only planned to NOT get pregnant, but nothing worked until I finally had my tubes tied after the birth of #4! lol) We started young (WAY too young) and there’s a 5 year gap between our first and second, but the little three are each 1 year apart. They are now 5, 6, and 7 (and 13) years old. The first few years with them all little were rough, but SO worth it. We have 2 girls and 2 boys, and they are all so amazingly unique it takes my breath away! That comment you made about “Look how many KINDS of people I made…” is so true. I love seeing how different each of my kids’ personalities are. It’s awesome! Plus, now that the littlest has turned 5, I really honestly miss those crazy baby/toddler/no sleep days ! It’s funny how that happens.

You are my hero! My SIL had her kids like that…they are 7, 5, 4 and 2. And now that they are all the ages they are, I’m so jealous! But, she put the work into them in their early years and she’s earned her newfound ability to sleep a whole night through. But, she also said she would have 6 if her husband would let her. She’s just that kind of person!

I just don’t know if I have what it takes to do so many “first years” over and over again. Plus, there is the money issue. So many things to think about!!!

Nikki says:

You’ve made some pretty amazing, beautiful loving children… we’d totally cheer you on if you wanted to add more Spohrs to the mix!! We’ll love the (potential) new baby just like we love Madeline and Annabel!!!

Dr. Risky is one heck of a doctor, I’m sure if it is possible for you to have another child she will make it happen. And, if you want more after that and can’t put your body through another pregnancy there is always adoption If having more children is important to you, you should do it, you deserve to be surround by children.

I definitely understand what you are saying, even if its for different reasons. We suffer/suffered through infertility and early miscarriages. After five long years, we adopted our beautiful, amazing son from Guatemala and I was smitten. However, just as I couldn’t fathom living with no children, I couldn’t fathom only having one. We were waiting to adopt again when I surprisingly became pregnant again. I had a horrible, horrible pregnancy. I was on bedrest, lived in the hospital for 30 days, threw up non-stop, they were worried I was going to hemorrhage and die. At 17 weeks gestation, my daughter was diagnosed with brain malformations, a club foot, and soft markers for CF. They couldn’t tell me if she was going to live or die, and if she lived, just how disabled she would be. She is sixteen months now and the first year was hard for sure but things have kinda stabilized. Now I cannot stop obsessing about having another baby and a “normal” experience (as if that would happen). However, I don’t even know if it is possible since I’m mostly infertile and my husband went through chemo for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma shortly after my daughter was born, so he may be sterile. I’d like to think that I could stop obsessing if I had a third child…..but I don’t know it that is the case.
I think you have two beautiful, gorgeous children and I’m also curious about the cuteness of a third one. So does Dr. Risky think it would be dangerous for you to have another child or does he just think you’ve had two troubled pregnancies, so why go through another?

QoB says:

A few centuries or even decades ago, that desire to have more children out of a fear that some wouldn’t make it wouldn’t have been at all irrational. It would have been entirely logical. (I find it highly morbid but also fascinating that parents would often name their next child(ren) after the one(s) they’d lost.) Which is my way of saying don’t beat yourself up too much about it, I suppose:) It’s a very natural way to feel, however irrational it might seem at this time and place.

As for the medical risks… get however many stats and opinions you need to be confident in either of your options. Don’t take one doctor’s word for it or you’ll always be wondering.

Mara says:

Speaking as an adopted person, adoption is a wonderful way to increase your family size. You and Mike have a lot of love to give, there is nothing easier than falling in love with a child, even if he or she is not biologically yours. Although adoption can be expensive, the are a lot of grants and scholarships out there to help. Any child would be lucky to be a part of your family, you guys seem so awesome.

I know exactly what you mean. We had our two girls close together and are so glad that we didn’t know about all the health issues our oldest had when our second child came. We are so thankful that we were given a healthy second child.

When my sister and her husband were trying to figure out if their second would be the caboose or not. I jokingly said to her. “It might be wise to have a third child, you know, in case something happens to one of them. It would be insurance that your children wouldn’t get the only child syndrome.” That argument has forever in our family been dubbed “the insurance child discussion.”

We joke about it now. Although, my sister has decided that her second child is the caboose. Our children are very close and they call themselves “sister-cousins” so that my Monica doesn’t feel like an only child.

I get what you’re saying, but I’m not sure if it makes a difference how many babies you have. My great-grandmother had 16(!) babies, and 3 of them died during childhood. She said that people would make comments to her about how she was lucky to have so many kids, because it must have made the loss of those 3 easier to bear. Her response was, “You have ten fingers. If someone cut one off, you’d miss it, wouldn’t you?” The number of other kids you have doesn’t alleviate that grief.

But. You’re a kick-ass mom, and if you decide to have a hundred babies, those will be the luckiest hundred babies on the planet.

I can’t imagine how it must feel to live with that Annabel…..the cuteness just oozes through the computer screen. I would want to multiply that, too. If I still had my uterus, I would be a surrogate for you. For free…….just babysitting rights.

While I have never lost a child, I also have a desire to be surrounded by children. I was an only child, and have abandonment issues so I won’t be happy till I have 6 children. And every time I see Annie’s adorable face I yearn to have another baby RIGHT NOW!!

Heather, she is seriously cute. Just like her sister. You and Mike make amazingly beautiful babies, but you could consider adoption. There are lots and lots of sad stories out there about babies without homes. You and Mike and Annie and the spirit of Maddie could totally make a happy home for orphans.

Veronika says:

I used to obsess about when to have another baby too. Who am I kidding? I still obsess about it! Making such big decisions never get easier. We have 4 babies now and I’m pretty useless during pg. Lots of nausea, although not nearly as bad as you had. We’re not done yet and desperately hope to adopt in the near future. Ahh, to be American and have such options… but we’re not and we don’t. Whatever you decide, I know that your kids will be loved to the moon and back.

Erin says:

I think I know a little bit of what that longing feels like, though certainly not the same. When I was diagnosed with cancer at 29 and told I was going undergo treatment that would take my fertility, I deeply mourned the fact that I wouldn’t have children again. In fact, it was the thing that was most upsetting to me — it pushed the rest of the fear about survival away. And I had already given birth to two beautiful girls and truly believed I was done with having any more.
I think when you are faced with horrific loss, the yearning and the urge to answer with LIFE, creating life, embracing life is natural and (for me) overwhelming.
Whatever you decide, I know you will be an amazing mommy to your children.

You may not realize it, but you are already surrounded by loads of kids whose parents wouldn’t be in their position were it not for your honest and forthright efforts. The knowledge and experience you have shared throughout your pregnancies and parenting continue to provide others with hope and information they need to expand their families. While you may not have the baseball team full of children you discuss, you have a stadium full of people willing to play on that team. Hope this makes sense.

Sarah says:

What you are feeling is not irrational at all! Studies (like as in research) shows that one of the reasons women in third world countries have many kids is that they want at least some of them to make it out of infancy. It was further been proved that when women see their children grow up, they have fewer kids.

D says:

I have 4 kids and wouldn’t trade them for all the world! My kids all a year apart and they keep each other entertained. It’s great!

Heather, I was looking through your pictures of Maddie and one thing stood out to me. Maddie looked so wonderfully happy. It’s clear that you and Mike are excellent parents. If you decide the have another baby or adopt, the child will be lucky to have the both of you as parents.

You are both wonderful parents and deserve to have more children if you so choose. I’d like to echo what a few people have said about adoption. I realize that it is often an expensive and difficult process, but it is a way to have a baby or child with no damage to your uterus- and you’d be helping out a child who needs a home. Just an idea. I know you guys will make a well-thought-out decision that’s best for your family. Keeping you in my thoughts.

TOTALLY get this. My dad died when I was 11 (he was 33). I have four kids now, and started early (24), in part for exactly this reason. (We’re done, though, for sure.) It’s really difficult to articulate, but it’s like I feel like everything is so uncertain, that the people I love could leave me at any minute. The more children I have, the more I have to love, no matter what happens. It’s not an explicit thing I THINK about, but I know this is part of where my desire for a larger family came from.

I also know it’s irrational, though, because I know that if any of my children died (holy shit), it’s not like the others would DISTRACT me or make it any less painful. The only difference would be that I couldn’t KILL myself because I’d have to stick around for the others. Ugh. Depressing.

Heather – Have you thought about adopting? It’s a completely different set of challenges, but given your clotting disorder it might be an easier path than another pregnancy. I can’t pretend to have any idea of all the considerations (both physical and emotional) that weigh into this decision for you. But I wish you peace with it. I’m confident that together you and Mike will choose what’s right for your family.

Wow, I am so glad to hear someone else say this. I feel exactly the same way. I want to have lots and lots of children to someone “insure” that I won’t be left a childless parent ever again. As if it would hurt less (yeah, right). On the flip side, I am also afraid of having more children because of the vulnerability it entails…sigh. It isn’t easy. But our beautiful little 8-month-olds sure do help, don’t they?

Tara. says:

I completely understand your frame of mind with this. I suffer from Bipolar and, at times, extreme depression where the thought of being alone makes my heart stop. I want to be surrounded by people and my children because I’m so afraid to go through life alone. Events from my childhood cause me to fear being abandoned. It is irrational, yes. But it’s real inside your heart and your mind. I’m so glad you’re in touch with why you feel this way and that you’re talking with your therapist about it. And know that you’re not alone-not at all.

As for another child, you will know when/if the time is right. Annie seems to keep you on your toes, so continue to enjoy her as much as you already do and don’t worry too much about if you want more. You and Mike do make such beautiful babies!

Dixie says:

As both an adoptive parent and a fosterparent, I know absolutely that there are a variety of ways to fill your home and your heart with children and the love they bring with them. Are we having children for them or for us? If it’s for them, there are many ways to achieve that goal. You and Mike obviously have a lot of love to give.

Tami says:

We endured so many problems while trying to have our first that after we had him I figured that was it. But when he turned one I had that yearning feeling for another. I was prepared for the possible miscarriages that might occur (and we 2). We need to eventually go through a fertility clinic to have her but even after Laila was born I felt deep down I wasn’t completely done yet so didn’t get my tubes tied then.

When she turned 1 we started the process again and got pregnant with our 3rd baby Sophie. When she was born I felt the combination of my age with the stress on my body we were done and got my tubes tied then. But honestly I still have that baby fever today and would love a 4th. I don’t think it ever goes away !

Amy Collen says:

Yup, this happened to me too. After my Frank was born (he being the third after the twins), I had the urge to populate the earth! I at first chalked it up to having more than one child (since my Noah passed away after 6 days, thus leaving Sam). However, now I am wondering too if it is partly because I am trying to fill the gap a bit from the loss of my precious Noah. I think mainly because some of us just absolutely adore children and all they have to offer. Why not have a whole bushelful :).
I was thinking the other day what true paradise for me would be. True paradise when I was younger was more materialistic (traveling, great house, good friends, etc.) Now, true paradise for me would simply be my boys coming to visit me often, sharing a cup of coffee (or whatever beverage that happens to be available), and having conversations that last all morning or all day. Also, filling my house with their wives and grandchildren :). I would just love that!

I have a toddler now who is into everything and won’t sit still for even half a second. But ever since she was about 6 months old, I’ve been yearning for another. Yep, I’m cuckoo for cocoa puffs! I would love to see more baby Spohrs. And just think of how many more awesome videos you can make.

I don’t think how you feel is irrational at all. I always wanted more then one child for the very same reason. I didn’t want to have something happen to one and not have any children to enjoy. I have two from my first marriage and my husband I are now working on a child together and we might have another after that.

Kirstin says:

I have two girls myself, one almost five and another only two months old. I also have a clotting disorder and during this most recent pregnancy, developed a condition called placenta accreta that nearly cost me my life 10 days post partum ( thank god for the generosity of blood donors). It would be dangerous and irresponsible ofme as a
Mother of two the actively seek out becomming pregnant again- I will not risk leaving my precious girls without a mommy- however, we sti want more ( that elusive boy). We have searched our hearts and have decided to adopt. I am as excited about the prospect as I was about becoming pregnant – so think on it. You can fill your house with babies that need your love!!

Awww, I think that urge to have lots of kids is totally understandable. I lost my only brother years ago, and even though I have 2 kids now and feel I am done, part of me has this urge to have one more – so if one dies, at least the other won’t be an only child. I tell myself you can’t live that way. You can’t live ruled by your fears. Easier said than done.

wow….you know what? you don’t know how many times I’ve had taht “well, if i have more, at least one will survive” thought. I think it’s more common than you think.

The rational side of your brain has to tell the irrational side that 94837285 babies could never replace Madeline, or Annie, or any other baby that you have.

It’s a scary place to be, feeling like at any time the other shoe could drop and you’re back at square one.

Good for you for admitting it. I have those thoughts alot. We have a 5 year old girl and a 3 year old boy and are getting ready for foster/adopt because we want more children and my uterus keeps killing babies (either that or my tubes explode, or the babies I do produce come out without butt holes).

Anyway, all that to say, you’re not alone. I really thought that having two would make me less “freaked out”. Not so. It’s just a fear you have to constantly fight.

Maddie’s eyes are still the prettiest eyes I’ve ever seen, and combined with Annie’s adorable fat rolls (and I say that in the kindest of ways, I’m one of those that thinks baby fat is so, so very cute, but I know some moms don’t like the term), I can see why you’d want more. Heck, it makes me want to have my first, even when I say I’ll wait five more years for that.

Annie sure has one heck of a guardian angel sister up in heaven. And you never know, she could grow up and give you 15 grand children some day – and then all you have to do is chock them full of sugar and send them on their way!

As a biological mom, a foster mom, an adoptive mom & a surrogate- I highly doubt there will ever be a point in my life when I won’t want another baby. We thought we were done at 2 (biological).. I was content for a time knowing that the hubby wanted no more. We did a surrogacy and I can honestly say that I had no problems giving that baby to her parents. I love her, sure I do but she’s theirs and it was a miracle to be able to help someone else with what came so easily. Then we got into foster care and started getting these newborns that needed someone.. We’ve adopted 2 & will finish up our family with our final 2 adoptions next month.. I tell everyone we are done.. 6 kids is more than I ever could have hoped for (I always wanted 10) and I love my life. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say that every time I hold a baby, every time I notice how big my own baby (2) is getting- it tears me apart just a tad inside because I want another one SO bad.

In your case, no another one would ever replace Maddie.. but you know that. I say go for it (not that my vote counts! lol). If Dr. Risky will ok it, get pg again.. Enjoy every minute of it.. If not, maybe surrogacy or adoption? Obviously having done both I think they are great ways to add to a family! Good luck!

giselle says:

IF Dr. Risky says it’s ok.. I CAN’T wait for you to have another baby!!!! Any baby would be SO LUCKY to have you and Mike as parents. And I do think adoption is a really good option – I have an adopted cousin and my husband is adopted.

monica says:

I come here daily for my dose of your girls’ cuteness. So, yes, in order to keep updating, you need to produce more. I have a boy and a girl and made the decision not to have more. But every now and then I wish I could have more. So go ahead, have more so I can continue to oooh and ahhhh over your adorable cherubs =)

Elizabeth says:

I think that if your heart is screaming for more children then you should have them, provided your doctor gives you the green light. Plans change constantly and your life has changed.

I remember my Grandmother holding hands with her children at my Grandfathers funeral. She needed her boys that day. You will need and want your children your whole life. Rational thought does not equate with the need for your children throughout your life.

charlene says:

WOMAN! I am SO angry at you! For some reason, when I read the title of the post in my dashboard, I immidiately got all giddy and excited – cause you know – Heather is pregnant! I felt like all the little butterflies of anticipation for a moment there!

And then I realized you are only talking about WANTING to maybe have another…and I was mad. And then you put in a photo of Miss Thang – and I forgave you. Instantly.

I have three beautiful children and am pregnant with the fourth (shhh!! I haven’t actually announced that yet). I have been pregnant once before and have been blessed twice by the joys of adopting. I don’t know if that is something you would consider but I have to say that it is an excellent way to grow a family. It has just as much joy and love as pregnancy and in our case we even got to travel to Guatemala and Ethiopia to pick up our children.

Both of your daughters are absolutely gorgeous and your family is in my prayers.

My youngest daughter turned 11 today. Her older is sister is 13. When they are young 2 years apart is good, they share, they play together, the youngest can wear hand-me-downs. When they get older they turn into dual Drama Tweens and they are no longer cute. There are days I want to sell them, and days I can’t give them away. Even if I advertise them as free live-in babysitters.
I would be lying if I said I never had the ache to feel a newborn in my arms again, But at 2:00 in the morning when I can roll over and go back to sleep, I don’t miss it.

Marsha says:

Hmmm Heather maybe you should outright ask Dr Risky if its a possibility….really if you want 1 more you just may be able to?
Annie is so darn cute and so was Maddie. I am curious what a baby boy would look like ;-p
Your feelings are normal….I have them to and I didn’t lose a child (Just a 13 week pregnancy so not the same at all)
All 3 of my kids were rough pregnancies with preterm labor and my earliest was almost 6 weeks early. But that didnt stop me from trying 1 more time….3rd time was the charm for me because I got my long dreamed about girl….makes having 2 boys easier lol shes a drama queen and only 7!
You will know in your heart what the right decision is for you and then make peace with it.

I’m not sure if advice is what you’re after. And I hope not, because honey, I don’t have it to give. But what I do have is admiration for all that you’ve come through already. And I believe this amazing life has given and taught you so much that it seems only natural that you’d want many to share it with. And no matter what you and Mike decide to soldier up for, you’ve got a handsome handful of supporters right alongside–near and far side–rah-rah-rahing you all the way to the endzone. Or whatever appropriate sports-y metaphor fits your fancy.

But for now, that Annie of yours…well, holy yearning uterus! How babyfever is breaking out like a massive reproductive epidemic all along the west coast I will never know.

Courtney says:

Heather, have you ever considered a surrogate? I know for some people it’s not an option, but I think it could be a good thing to look into. That way, you would still get a ridiculously adorable Spohr kid without putting your body through the stress. Just a thought!

Debi says:

Charlane says:

Oh I know what you mean but for totally different reasons. I have a super fantastic daughter who happens to be Autistic. I wanted a million kids until we got her diagnosis. Now what? Do I habe another baby (My uterus is nodding yes) even though I know we have a increased chance of having two disabled children, or do I stop at one (My ovaries cry no) and focus all of my energy and attention on her? Am I doing her a disservice by not giving her a sibling to love and play with and have for her life, or am I doing her future sibling a disservice by having her/him and expecting that they will always love and look after their sister? UGH is there an answer here? See same dilema different reasons. I tell you this because sometimes although I cannot relate to how you feel and your loss, other times I can. Good luck with your decision making…. and by the way with babies as beautiful as yours I would want a few hundred more too!

However you decide to make a family, whether you stick to two biological kids (seriously, your babies are the cutest) or have more or adopt or whatever, teh interwebs will be cheering the Spohrs on… multiplying or not.

I totally get this. I want one more so, so bad- I can almost smell the poopie diapers. My husband says we’re “done” and he really means it. But I can’t help but feel that the emptiness in my heart will never go away. And it probably won’t. But it’s not a longing for a baby I haven’t met, but one I did and wish I got to know longer.

Karessa says:

I lost a little boy who was born at 27 weeks due to complications of prematurity. He was 15 days old. That was 4 and a half years ago. Since then I’ve had a little girl who is now 3. I always try to explain to people that I literally CRAVE babies. I have always been aware that much of it stems from grief. Before Matthew, I always pictured two children maximum, but after Matthew….I can’t look at a baby in a grocery store without feeling my uterus clench up. Trying to plan how many children I actually should have while stuck in a cloud of baby withdrawal makes it difficult to see clearly. In a year, I will graduate from nursing school and I plan to work in the NICU–I’m hoping that takes the edge off until I can have another one:) You’re awesome Heather, and certainly not alone in your baby withdrawal!

momof2 says:

I have a boy and girl and should be content. Every once and a while though, I get a touch of the baby fever and all I have to do is think one word: BREASTFEEDING. It was horrible–painful, guilt-inducing, boring, breast deforming, you name it. And every time I remember that, the baby fever just disappears! Try it, maybe?

Jenn says:

Unfortunately, I fully understand your post today. It took us 4.5 years to have our 1st miracle baby after we lost 5 Angel babies. After my son was born, our other two kids came easily but I had difficult pregnancies with all and like my 1st baby, all were born early. I have ALWAYS wanted 4 kids….2 girls and 2 boys is my dream. As of now, I am short a girl.

We are foster parents and at one point had 3 boys and a girl. We were promised by our Social Worker our new son would be ours forever but 6 months after entering our home, hearts and souls, we were informed within 12 hours, the son we’ve fallen in love with would be removed from our custody and placed back with his abusive father. The decision and having to say goodbye to our boy SHATTERED us all and to this day made was unable to trust our Child Protection Agency.

After I became ill, it was obvious my body would not sustain a healthy pregnancy and it was even painfully questionable if I could even be well enough to fully care for a 4th baby. All of this broke my heart and 5 yrs later of still NOT becoming well, it still does.

Still, I’d be lying if I didn’t think about the baby who is missed and is missing from my arms, heart and soul. The baby who’s not in the bath for bath time and who little shoes are not waiting at the door to go out and have our many adventures with the rest of us. I have talked to my husband at length about this but to his day he still does NOT understand my deep desire or despair to have my 4th baby… either through birth or adoption.

So, like many of us, I also dream daily about my missing baby and pray one day this void I feel will be fulfilled. Until then, I must thank you b/c watching Annie grow up before my eyes ( and through her video’s and pictures) and having the honour of being able to look at Maddie’s pictures and watch her video’s have given me so much joy. Thank you Heather. Thank you for sharing your babies with us.

I will continue to think and pray for you and your uterus so sooner then later perhaps you can give us another precious baby to watch grow and fall in love with just like your other 2 beautiful babies. When that day come, just like when Maddie and Annie….The Angels will Dance and Celebrated….along with rest of us!

Vanessa says:

My husband and I narrowly escaped losing our third son in his early babyhood (after a rough pregnancy) and now our youngest, fourth son, is just a month younger than Annie.

After my second, then my third baby, I had a persistent voice in the back of my head telling me “we’re not all here yet”. And it wasn’t quiet until our fourth baby was born. I think we all intuitively know when our family is complete, however we want to rationalize it. At the end of our days, it would be a hard person indeed to say they regretted having any one of their children, though many had wished they had more.

My days are crazy and busy and loud and messy, but the laughter and love are palpable. Nearly losing one of my children has made me ever aware of the fragility and impermanence of life, but ever so much more appreciative of what I have.

I’m sure you and Mike will make the decision that’s right for you both and your family.

PS Thanks for sharing a little of your life with the world. Small footsteps can make big echos.

Tamela says:

Someone told me once that you start getting the “itch” for another one right around the 8-10 month mark. I was definitely one of them and surprise! We found out we were expecting #2 a few days after my oldest’s first birthday. Fast forward a few years, they’re now 4 and 6 and I still itch at times. I feel “life” has decided we’re done before I did-I’m not getting any younger, hubby’s laid off and now I worry we just plain waited too long. A crossroads for sure.

what your feeling sounds totally normal for what you have been through.

I felt the same way when the girls were a few months old, the yearning for more and more children. i wanted to get pg again right away, although i COULD NOT handle it. not in any way.
I just wanted a normal pregnancy, a normal birth. my therapist talked me off that ledge and i’m glad she did.

I love you and i know that you will have more children- at least 2 more. meanwhile, hug on my little annie.

Heather, I live in Utah, surrounded my Mormons who believe spirit babies are knocking on their doors, waiting to get born. Sometimes I think they might not be wrong, but I am not going to answer, just in case. If I were not 43, I’d do it in a minute. Your pregnancy with Annie was so much safer than with Maddie, I’m sure Dr. Risky will let you do it with careful monitoring. I hope you do, my darling, because your babies are lovely wee creatures.

Sara says:

I know exactly what you mean…. Our first were triplets who died from prematurity and since then I too, have always felt the need to have a lot of kids because I’m terrified of having another child die and leave my husband and I all alone. I am truly flabbergasted when I hear of parents only wanting one child – don’t they know bad stuff DOES happen and you could easily be left childless for the rest of your life???? Of course, I keep these comments to myself! And it IS exciting to see what combination you’ll make next! We do have 4 living children and they are all completely different and they each have something special that I love the most. We might have another down the road, but for now I think I’m okay with the four I have. Thanks for your post, I’ll glad I’m not the only one with the irrational thoughts!

Suzanne says:

We all have different motivations for wanting more children. So who’s to say that yours isn’t okay? I’ve never been through losing a child, but have often thought that if I lost one of my children I would be devastated. Just typing it makes me cry. But I’d have to get up and take care of the others no matter how badly I didn’t want to. And I can’t say that I wouldn’t desire another baby at that point. Babies and children have a way of healing us, whether by their smiles and laughter or the mere fact that they just selfishly need us to do for them all the time regardless of our state of mind. Your daughters are beautiful and your home is full of love. Whether you get the OK to give birth yourself or are blessed with an adopted child, that child would be so blessed!

Katherine says:

Wow… I got the impression from this post that Heather pretty much has been told she should NOT try to get pregnant again and is trying to come to terms with it. Instead, everyone piles on her to encourage her to have more kids (and yes… Adoption is a great option but not everyone wants to do it)

And as for the commenter who helpfully reminds us parents of one that the one kid could DIE, um, thanks, got the memo.

Sorry to be grouchy, and I know a lot of people are coming from a place of great loss, but not one of us can insulate ourselves from the possibility of devastating tragedy no matter how many kids we have. But some of us (like me) had a baby with the thought of having more, and then realized that as great as our child is, I (and our marriage) would probably collapse if we added any more to the mix. Yes, 20 years from now I’m sure things will look different but we have to do what we can live with NOW.

Katherine,
I was reading this reply and it resonates alot with what I am thinking.

I posted earlier about wanting more, but at the same time, I don’t think more children should ever be an “insurance policy” against loss. And you’re right, Mike and Heather also have to calculate the risk of another pregnancy on Heather’s health.

Children shouldn’t JUST be an insurance policy, but like I said to Katherine above, it’s not pretty but I want more kids not only for wanting them, but as an insurance policy. I’ve come home to an empty house. I don’t ever want that again. If you haven’t experienced it, it’s horrid.

actually no – I haven’t been told I should not get pregnant ever, just not RIGHT NOW. My body needs lots of time to heal and get back to neutral. But if it didn’t, I’d be trying right now.

And it’s not pretty, but yeah, like I said, I want more kids not only for wanting them, but as an insurance policy. I’ve come home to an empty house. I don’t ever want that again. It’s hard to explain the feeling but it is desperate and terrifying.

I think you’re brave for actually admitting that. Many, many women have the same thought but would never give it breath.

For me, after nearly dying from a ruptured ectopic pregnancy, a twin miscarriage, another baby with birth defects and her twin dead at 15 weeks, then another miscarriage, we knew enough was enough.

It is just SUCH a personal decision. And no one here can even pretend to know what it is like to come home to an empty house, to pack away toys and a bedroom that was full of life moments ago. All those horrible moments.

Katherine says:

I can only begin to imagine the tiniest bit and even that is terrifying. I totally understand the desire and the reasons for it – it makes snoot of sense after what you’ve been through – and I suspect it has biological, evolutionary roots in all of us as well!

I hope you and Mike are able to move in a direction that feels right for you and your family, whatever that is. Meanwhile, Annabelle is extremely cute despite the devil teeth!

Miriam says:

Heather,
If you decide to go forward, I know Dr. Risky will take good care of you. I always felt so much better when I was in her care, I almost cried when she discharged my six week pp check up (or it could have been hormones). My pregnancy wasn’t as..”taxing” as yours, but we were very concerned for my son and I credit Dr. Risky with my healthy twins. I get emotional just thinking about how her close eye on me helped us spot potential concerns early and address them immediately. But I’m babbling. I love your blog, on happy days and sad days, so just know your words touch lots and lots of people (and your tweets crack me up).

Whew! Thanks, Katherine. I was thinking some of the same things reading all the comments. Heather, your feelings sound perfectly normal to me. Not only do you and Mike make gorgeous babies, they’re ridiculously charming, too. Personally, I think a bigger age gap can be great. I’m very satisfied with one, but I have those “what if something happens” thoughts as well. If I were to have another, I think I’d go with the “one in diapers at a time” plan. Then again, some people think it’s better to get the diaper time over with at once. Ack, I guess what I’m trying to say it that you don’t need to decide this now. Keep processing and keep talking. The interwebz is listening.

As for the comments, I’m kind of offended for you. Commenters, do you really think Heather will respond to your suggestions about adoption by smacking herself in the forehead and saying “Doh, I never thought about adoption!”? Please, adoption isn’t some big secret that we need to be informed about. And, as Katherine said, it isn’t for everyone.

you really shouldn’t be offended. If I’d thought about it, I would have said that adoption IS an option for us down the line. But the point of this was exploring how my feelings have become so mixed up since Madeline died.

Ashley says:

Oh you make gorgeous babies, I’d be thrilled to read your blog and see your dozens of children, but I’m also just as pleased to see gorgeous Annie and beautiful Maddie on here if that’s all I’ll ever get.

Coming from a completely different angle on this- I am an only child and sometimes think about that when I consider how many kids I might someday have (currently young, unmarried & childless so this is all idle speculation). Not that I ever felt super deprived or ever really, desperately longed for a sibling but I have thought about what would happen to my parents if something to me- they’d be destroyed, and nobody would be around to take care of them when they age. I also think about how when they do age, I’ll be alone in caring for them, although seeing how my mother’s siblings acted when my grandmother was dying, I sometimes think that might better off (less crap to deal with), but I imagine it’s going to be so incredibly hard to be alone on that long (knock on wood) distant day when these things come to pass.

Whatever you do, it’ll be the right thing for you & Mike & Annie & Maddie. Much love xoxo.

Ah, I know how you feel. We have two and I worry constantly that something might happen to one of them, even when they are older and I’m terrified one of them will be left alone in the world. But then again, they are already nearly five and four, so I feel like we’ve waited too long. My advice? If you can have another, do it. Or adopt. Or do surrogate. I don’t think anyone regrets having more children, even the accidental ones are very loved! And you most certainly CAN regret not having more. I already do!

Anita says:

Heather,
I totally understand your feelings. After almost losing my life to severe preeclampsia and congestive heart failure, followed by my daughter’s birth at 28 weeks, I was horrified to get pregnant again. I couldn’t even think about another baby for about 2 1/2 years. Well, the amazing doctor who had diagnosed my heart condition during my pre-e also felt confident that he could successfully get me through another pregnancy and he was right. I spent much of my second pregnancy horrified that something would go wrong and looking for the slightest sign of trouble, but my doctor took great care of me, as I’m sure Dr. Risky does/would for you, and here we all are, 2 more healthy kids later (and healthy mom to boot!). Whatever decision you make — and you’re young, so take your time — will be the right one. But if Dr. Risky feels confident that she can get you successfully through another pregnancy, I’d say your fears should be put at least somewhat at bay.

Hi Heather- This post really touched me. The way you feel is, I think normal for what you went through. My grandmother had five daughters and three sons but lost three children at very young ages. Sometimes I think she had so many children because of the same reason. People in the rural villages of most countries have lots of babies for the reason that they are afraid of losing children. It’s a morbid thought but its understandable. Thinking of you.

People talk about knowing that their family is complete, and being done, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I will just never feel that way. I think it’s because there will always be someone missing from our family, no matter how many babies we have.

Given what you’ve been through, I don’t think it would be fair of us to judge you and your thoughts as being “irrational.” It sounds to me like you’re giving this a LOT of thought and trying very hard to work through your feelings. *hugs* You’re in my thoughts…

Jade says:

Not that you need another person saying the same thing, but here I go.
You’re feelings make complete sense.
I have wanted children since I was a child. I thought this was normal but have come to learn that not everyone feels that way. My husband gets a lovely look in his eyes when he sees me with our babies and had made a comment early on, something to the effect of wow, you really do love babies. I have had other men say this to me too since our family has continued to expand.
We agreed before we were married to try for three or four and as close together as worked. Our first two are a year apart. I put off having the third for a year because I was so tired, he came 2.5 years later. We had the third and I wanted another close or not at all. We set a deadline, when that came my husband said he was good with whatever decision I made, he is on call 24/7 and works out of town a lot. I decided to be done, I was stressed out, I wasn’t sure we should add to the expenses. I wasn’t sure I wanted another baby for the good of our family or just because I wanted to do it again. I felt okay with deciding to be done, but certainly didn’t know it in my heart. Fast forward a couple of years and we had a surprise pregnancy that ended in miscarriage. I then knew I wasn’t done, so we had another. She came 3.5 years after the third. Life felt much more complete. The table was full. A couple more would be great but our family did fill complete. When people asked if we were done, I could say yes. If we had started younger we might have a couple more, but that this was it.
While my husband was on the waiting list for a vasectomy, SURPRISE we are pregnant again. This pregnancy I think I can honestly say I am done, without a little voice at the back of my mind saying but one more would be so lovely. I am only just over nausea at 18 weeks and as I start to feel better I think that if I was younger, I am 38, we might have to have a sixth just to round things out. The kids are 8.5, 7.5, 5 and 1.5 with another due a moth before the littest’s 2nd birthday. This is a great amount, we are so lucky to be getting this surprise.
I have not gone through what you have gone through, and we are very blessed to have had the ease we have had, but as someone else mentioned, I thing the larger your family gets, the more you want.
When people ask me if I am crazy, I often have to wonder if they are not the crazy ones, because really, get beyond how much work it is, they are the best things in the world.