A horrible recent tradition in the NFL off-season is the NFL’s yearly drawn-out release of its Top 100 Players list. I can’t necessarily blame the league for doing it, or even milking the list for all it’s worth. Though I will say the fact that NFL Network has a reaction show for its list reveals is probably overdoing it at least a little.

Nevertheless, the list is an effective way to keep people talking about football at a time when absolutely nothing is going on. If anything, the problem is it’s too effective. People taking it seriously turns it into a bigger headache than a pointless list has any right to be. Fans get pissed about rankings. Media members take pains to be know-it-all assholes who pronounce who should be where. Even players get worked up about it.

While we admire the content-producing potential, we would like to have something more amusing replace it. A worst-ever players list would be the obvious counter, but that would just as likely be a magnet for tedious argument. Not to mention that, if we’re being honest with ourselves, the worst players in NFL history are ones who never made a roster or even a practice squad. So it’s best to meet somewhere in the middle, to find players who had nice long careers while being perfectly pedestrian and unexceptional. Kyle Orton might be the near ideal embodiment of that in the current game.

The Gay Mafia has already come up with more of a few of our own. Of course, we have our limitations in this endeavor. We only possess accurate recall of the last 30 years of the NFL. That’s the thing about the truly average: unless you saw them play, you more than likely were never made aware of their existence. Even the extremely awful get to live on through infamy and ridicule. The average just kind of fade into the background.

Now we will do our best to bring them back. To claim that this is a scientific inquiry is to drop turds in our punchbowl. We’re mostly in this to come up with a bunch of obscure names of forgettable players from yesterday and today. It’s already been a joy to dredge up names like Bernie Parmalee, James Jett and O.J. Santiago.

If you would like to aide us in our quest, send us suggestions by e-mail at kissingsuzykolber@gmail.com. We’ll run our full list at some point next week.

Amp Lee, though he did sufficiently distinguish himself to be voted Team MVP of the 5-11 1997 Rams, so perhaps he’s known too much success to really be average. He’s also carved out a nice journeyman career as a runningbacks coach in Europe and the UFL, which I feel bolsters his case.

I’m sorry, LOLWUT, but White Boy Degree Of Difficulty is not calculated into our BCS-style average player formula. Otherwise we’d have to strike Joe Jurevicious from the list, and if anyone typifies average, it’s Average Joe.

@Brian Bearbacker: Marvin Lewis? He’s waaaaaaay more average than Lovie. At least Lovie does ZAAAAAAAAANY~! stuff to set himself apart from the pack. Aside from bad clock management and bad challenges*, Marvin has earned his nickname (Mediocre Marv).

The Steelers secondary. They coast by on the front seven’s run stopping and Troy Polamalu’s Tazmanian Devil imitation, but meanwhile they get lit up all the time — and get smoked out of the playoffs by Tim Tebow.

For a guy to truly be average, he has to hang around for ever, never make a ProBowl, and yet never risked being cut. He has to play yet never be mentioned on a broadcast unless he’s making a special teams tackle or being penalized for a ticky tack call. He has to be able to go to the mall and not be recognized. I submit to you: every NFL long snapper besides Trey Junkin.

Tony Banks, guy was given a chance to start on two NFL teams and lost his job to Trent Dilfer. Joey Harrington and Ken O’Brien also come to mind. I would say any Buffalo Bill not named Kelly, Reed, Smith Or Thomas but Chris Berman might yell at me. Honorable mention to Larry Brown and Russell Maryland who coaxed big free agent contracts out of the Raiders by simply being Dallas Cowboys.

Maurice Morris.
From his Wikipedia page:
“Morris was the Seattle Seahawks primary kickoff returner between 2002 and 2004. He was consistent though unspectacular…”

Which also defines his career as a RB. 10 NFL seasons, 2 teams. About 86 carries a season, 4.2 YPC, will catch a pass now and again. Despite never being more than a third running back, he has never been in danger of being cut from any team he has been on. Average in every way.