There’s just no way to adequately prepare you for what you’re about to watch. I suggest you call the person you hold nearest to your heart, tell them you love them, and then join me on a journey from which you will never fully recover. Welcome to the television enigma known as One Tree Hill.

For the uninitiated, One Tree Hill is a teen drama that ran for nine seasons on The WB/CW. Premiering in 2003, the emotional series possessed the three qualities I admire most in a TV show: hot people brooding, a medley of love triangles, and the music of singer/songwriter Gavin DeGraw. OTH centered on two quarreling half-brothers, Lucas and Nathan Scott (Chad Michael Murray and James Lafferty), who share a true-blue jerk of a father, Dan Scott, and a love of basketball. The first three seasons are genuinely entertaining, but the next six (SIX!) devolve into a mesmerizing surge of delirium highlighted by psychotic fake brothers, crazy nannies, Nick Lachey popping by to say hi, heaps of murder, and more kidnappings than you can shake a stick at.

But all that insanity pales in comparison to the most ludicrous moment in One Tree Hill history: A dog eating Dan Scott’s heart.

A handsomer version of me explaining this scene to a disinterested stranger at a dinner party.Photo: Netflix

Before we revisit this classic scene, here’s the relevant, unembellished backstory: Dan Scott was previously in prison for shooting his brother Keith. Everybody hates him, but they learn to somewhat tolerate the gruff murderer because at one point he rescued Nathan’s son from one of his weekly Tree Hill kidnappings. Dan has a terminal heart condition called HCM. He’s second on the donor list for a heart transplant and contemplates smothering the dude ahead of him with a pillow, but doesn’t. By not murdering this innocent stranger, Dan shows us, the OTH fandom, that he has changed and is now at the very least ambivalent to murder, which is the textbook definition of personal growth. Nevertheless, Lucas and Nathan refuse to forgive their father for killing their uncle, because I guess those two are PERFECT.

Dan is waiting in the hospital for his new heart. He’s pretty jazzed about it. Also present at the hospital: a drug dealer and a dog who we learn has just consumed three ounces of “nice Lebanese hash.”

Let’s do this.

Okay. Take a breath. A couple of things:

This is art.

Why didn’t anyone say anything? No one said a single WORD. No whoops, wow, or “Only in Tree Hill, am I right?”

In the dogs defense, it was high as f***ccccckkkk.

Hey, EMT guy. Maybe spend an extra $10 on a mobile transportation device not made of styrofoam? You’re not meeting Tom and Huck down at the ol’ pond to do some fishin’, ya hayseed! You’re transporting a human heart. Have a modicum of respect for your profession, the splendor of life, and, most importantly, lids. Also, apologize!

Why didn’t the owner go after his dog? The poor pup just consumed three ounces of hash and a human heart!

Question: What’s the proper way to react moments after your estranged father’s heart is gobbled up by a dog? Answer: With a cool, steely gaze that says, ‘Words? I’m way too handsome for words.”

Chad Michael Murray is the Michelangelo of squints and this scene is his Sistine Chapel.

My favorite thing about this episode of One Tree Hill, and maybe just life in general, is how this gonzo storyline isn’t the main plot of the episode. It’s not even in the TOP FIVE. Per the Netflix description: Lucas and Julian hit a setback with the film. Peyton and Haley help Mia with her new single. James Van Deer Beek appears as Adam.

First, how dare you. James Van Deer Beek is NOT a mere throw-in. He’s a bubble-adoring teen drama deity who commands respect. Second, this episode also includes the following: Haley getting fired, Skills coaching Jamie’s basketball team, a shoplifting plot, Brooke/Julian drama, and Deb dumping Skills. A dog noshing on Dan’s heart is like the sixth or seventh most important thing happening in Tree Hill this week. What a town. What a show. What a life.

The “dog eats heart” moment is notorious in OTH circles, but the follow-up scene is just as wacky. How does Dan react to his misfortune? I present the ballad of Dan Scott in a three-act play:

Act 1: Dan dramatically throws his pager into the ocean, but it’s 2009 so the pager was basically useless anyway.

I genuinely think about the “dog eats Dan’s heart” scene from One Tree Hill at least once a week. That’s more than I call my sisters! It’s as memorable a scene as I am a terrible brother. Showrunner Mark Schwahn and director Joe Davola (the namesake of the memorable Seinfeld character) deserve all the accolades for just saying f*ck it and putting the weird pedal to the even weirder metal and just going for it.

One Tree Hill didn’t wanna be anything other than what it was trying to be in its later seasons: immensely odd but definitely memorable. I know I gave you a lot to process, but if OTH has taught me anything, it’s that sometimes the only way to crack life’s vexing code is to solemnly stare at a basketball hoop until the answer eventually reveals itself.