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Home of The Saturday Evening PostTue, 03 Mar 2015 17:31:20 +0000en-UShourly1http://wordpress.org/?v=4.1.1The New American Super-Familyhttp://www.saturdayeveningpost.com/2012/07/05/in-the-magazine/trends-and-opinions/superfamily.html
http://www.saturdayeveningpost.com/2012/07/05/in-the-magazine/trends-and-opinions/superfamily.html#commentsThu, 05 Jul 2012 17:30:17 +0000http://www.saturdayeveningpost.com/?p=61753Thanks in large part to the economy, a record number of adult children are moving back home. So are their grandparents. And, guess what? It’s working!

Amanda Gentle and millions like her are proving Thomas Wolfe wrong. You can go home again.

Like so many other Americans, Gentle was hit hard as the financial dominoes fell in 2008. The value of her house dropped while property taxes soared. When she was laid off from her job as director of marketing and sales for a small publishing company, she could no longer keep up. The bank eventually foreclosed on her Indianapolis home.

So, at 35 years old, Gentle did what numerous other 20- and 30-somethings are doing: She moved back in with her parents.

“It was difficult,” Gentle readily admits. “I had a successful career, and I went from being on my own, in a good place, to basically starting over.”

Gentle is not alone. Adult children of boomers— famously overeducated and underemployed—have created a moving-back-home tsunami. The driving force behind this trend is financial pressure, particularly rising housing costs, health insurance premiums, and college debt. About 8.7 million young adults ages 25 to 34 became part of multigenerational households in 2009, an increase of 13 million over 2007. Now, more than one in five young adults lives in multigenerational households.

But it’s not just the young who are coming home to roost. Many elderly parents of boomers are moving in with their children as well. All told, the number of multi-gen households grew about 30 percent during the past decade, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. And a Pew Research Center report found that 51 million Americans lived in homes of two or more adult generations in 2009, compared with 42 million in 2000. That’s a 21 percent increase in less than a decade, but more importantly it reflects a turning back to what used to be, well, normal.

“We had a 50-year experiment of thinking of families as two parents and two kids,” says John Graham, co-author of Together Again: A Creative Guide to Successful Multigenerational Living. “What’s happening right now is that the 50-year nuclear family experiment is ending.”

So you want to live under one roof? To successfully blend multiple generations into one household, here’s a checklist from Nancy K. Schlossberg, a professor emeritus at the University of Maryland and author of Revitalizing Retirement: Reshaping Your Identity, Relationships, and Purpose.

Click image to enlarge checklist.

Not everyone is moving back home. Some never left. Dan, a 25-year-old healthcare consultant, lives with his parents on the northeast side of Philadelphia. While going to college, he stayed at home, and after graduating, Dan gave independence some thought, then decided to stick around. The primary reason is the money he’ll be saving. “When I move out, I’d like to be able to make a down payment on a decent place, not some hole in the wall,” Dan says. “The best way to save money is to spend wisely and right now, that means living at home.”

Dan, who requested that we not use his last name, considers the decision to stay put a no-brainer. Apartments in his neighborhood cost upward of $1,100 a month, and with a $15-an-hour job, his budget would have been stretched to the absolute limit. “I didn’t want to move out on a whim,” he says.

Whatever the circumstances, being an adult in your parents’ home is different from being a teen there. Before Gentle moved in with her parents this past January, the family sat down in the living room and discussed expectations, including chores, financial responsibilities, and how long she would stay. This phase of basically resetting her GPS could have turned into an ugly high school flashback. Instead, having new structure in her life was soothing. “After all the stress of being laid off and losing my house, it was very comforting to be with my family,” Gentle says. “I’m used to being very self-sufficient and independent, but it was nice to take a deep breath for a moment and get back on my feet.”

Gentle has found a job and plans to move out again soon, but author Graham sees multi-gen living as the wave of the future. “The boomerang kids’ experience is spring training for the long season of baby boomer retirement,” he says. “They’re learning how to live together. That’s vital, because in the next 10 years, boomers will start moving in with their children.”

He’s undoubtedly correct, but the trend of elderly parents rejoining their children has already begun. When Hurricane Irene raked the Eastern Seaboard this past summer, 79-year-old Lois Bechtel grew uneasy as the winds increased and the rain pounded her Stamford, Connecticut, home. Instead of weathering the storm alone, the retired executive secretary describes how she dashed a few steps into the adjoining house to be with her daughter’s family, safe and secure. “If I lived on my own, I’d be by myself in storms or other emergencies,” Bechtel says. “Now I know that if I get sick, they’re close by. It’s a comfort.”

Bechtel lives in an attached, “in-law” apartment that allows her privacy when she wishes. According to a 2010 Coldwell Banker trend survey, home builders are on the multi-gen bandwagon, increasingly incorporating in-law apartments and adding other features for extended family members, such as separate entries, multiple kitchens, and second master bedrooms.

]]>http://www.saturdayeveningpost.com/2012/07/05/in-the-magazine/trends-and-opinions/superfamily.html/feed0A Grandma’s Lovehttp://www.saturdayeveningpost.com/2009/03/16/in-the-magazine/living-well/grandmas-love.html
http://www.saturdayeveningpost.com/2009/03/16/in-the-magazine/living-well/grandmas-love.html#commentsMon, 16 Mar 2009 13:14:54 +0000http://72.3.135.59/wordpress/?p=1583Six hours into the 500-mile trek home from Chippewa Falls where we had expressed our condolences and support to relatives mourning the loss of their beloved grandfather, my cell phone rang. “It’s a boy!” exclaimed our daughter. She was also on her way home—but from an ultrasound exam of the newest member of our family, […]

]]>Six hours into the 500-mile trek home from Chippewa Falls where we had expressed our condolences and support to relatives mourning the loss of their beloved grandfather, my cell phone rang.

“It’s a boy!” exclaimed our daughter. She was also on her way home—but from an ultrasound exam of the newest member of our family, one with an expected birth date in late July.

We’ve been learning how to be grandparents for 2 ½ years now. For me, it’s a new kind of love with a different sense of responsibility. Not deeper, not better, but perhaps a more full-fledged one that seems to come from being older (for sure) and wiser (potentially, anyway).

Our first grandson will change our world in wonderful ways, just like his sister does. I’m eagerly anticipating the smell of his skin and the sight of his tiny fingers and toes.

But I need your help:

If you are a grandparent, I’d love to hear about the hopes and dreams you have for your grandchildren and the fun times you have together.

And if you’ve had a special grandparent or older adult in your life, tell me about it! What did you learn from him or her?

]]>http://www.saturdayeveningpost.com/2009/03/16/in-the-magazine/living-well/grandmas-love.html/feed3Autism: An Unexpected Lifehttp://www.saturdayeveningpost.com/2009/02/09/in-the-magazine/health-in-the-magazine/unexpected-life.html
http://www.saturdayeveningpost.com/2009/02/09/in-the-magazine/health-in-the-magazine/unexpected-life.html#commentsMon, 09 Feb 2009 18:28:08 +0000http://72.3.135.59/wordpress/?p=1465A long-anticipated European vacation celebrating retirement was put on hold and replaced with a never-ending journey called autism. My husband, Tom, placed three letters on the table. The first was a payoff notification from the bank. After 30 years of monthly payments, the house was finally ours. The second contained the finalization of Tom’s retirement […]

]]>A long-anticipated European vacation celebrating retirement was put on hold and replaced with a never-ending journey called autism.

My husband, Tom, placed three letters on the table. The first was a payoff notification from the bank. After 30 years of monthly payments, the house was finally ours. The second contained the finalization of Tom’s retirement package. No more Monday-through-Friday nine-to-five days. Every day would feel like Satur­day. However, the third note brought the biggest smile to our faces. It listed the itinerary for our recently booked European vacation. After years of being tied down to family, work, and home responsibilities, we would finally have the life and foreign adventure we’d dreamed about.

Tom’s excitement equaled mine. “I promised Thomas that Grandma and Grandpa would buy him something in every city we visit,” Tom said.

Sixteen-month-old Thomas was our only grandchild. He didn’t communicate, nor did he respond to the world around him like other children his age. His pe­diatrician labeled Thomas a late bloomer. Because we are members of a genera­tion who’d been raised to believe a doctor was never wrong, Tom and I accepted this. Our daughter, a single mother, did not. Her gut feeling said something wasn’t right with Thomas. Despite the pediatrician’s lack of concern, she insisted Thomas be referred to a doctor who specialized in developmental disorders.

During the past two weeks, Thomas had undergone a series of physical and psychological tests to answer the ques­tions our daughter had raised. The neurologist, who headed the testing team, asked us to meet him at his office the same day we took our suitcases from their attic storage. The diagnosis, a mere six letters, changed our lives forever.

“There are several degrees of autism. Some children remain trapped within the confines of their own worlds; others are able to progress into functioning adulthood. Only time will tell how severely Thomas is affected,” the neurologist explained.

I’m a writer, a lover of books. At his birth, my gift to Thomas was an entire set of classics in anticipation of the two of us exploring Sherlock Holmes’ eerie moors and sharing the intrigue of King Arthur’s court. Now the possibility existed that Thomas would never read nor develop the comprehension neces­sary to enjoy such tales.

Whenever a person says that his or her “heart broke,” it’s usually thought to be just an expression of speech. However, at this diagnosis, my heart did break—with an emotional pain so severe I almost fainted. Everything else the neurologist said that day about early intervention and specialized education didn’t register in my numb mind. My grandson, the light of my life, had been condemned to what I considered a living death.

My daughter and my husband, who are both “glass-half-full” optimists—in­stead of a “glass-half-empty” pessimist like me—accepted and adapted to the addition of autism into our lives. Tom canceled the trip he knew neither of us now had the heart to take, while our daughter investigated how best to get Thomas the help he needed.

I simply fell apart. I didn’t leave the house for a week. I cried; I worried; I questioned my faith each time I read a research summary that stated there is no cure for autism. I did things to­tally out of character. I took Thomas to a faith healer and probably would have participated in a curse-removal ceremony if I’d known somebody who practiced voodoo. I made bargains with God and the devil. My love for my grandson was so great that I would have gladly given up the remaining years of my life and burned in the fires of hell if my eternal suffering would cure this little boy.

I rarely slept more than an hour at a time. I lay awake in the dark and tor­tured myself with questions that never had an answer. How did this happen to us? Why? No members of our fam­ily tree have it, so it can’t be genetic. Was there something in the air? In the water? Did something go wrong dur­ing a pregnancy that had no notable problems? Was it, maybe, undercooked meat? How about the pesticides sprayed on fruit? Food additives?

One Sunday morning I had an altercation with a judgmental church member who announced in front of the entire congregation, “God punished your daughter with an autistic child because she had him without the ben­efit of marriage.” If not for the pastor’s intercession, we probably would have come to blows. I did not regret Thomas’ birth before the diagnosis, and I do not regret it now! It took several weeks, but I finally came to terms with the unex­pected life thrust upon us. Within the remnants of my broken heart, I deter­mined to stop grieving for the grandson I once dreamed Thomas would be and put all my energy into developing the person he was.

Our daughter did not ask us to change our chosen senior life path to provide home care for Thomas. We volunteered to stand by her side while she struggled to support the two of them and do what was in Thomas’ best interest. Our world-travel plans were put indefinitely on hold. Tom got a part-time job that allowed him the flex­ibility to spend many hours a day with Thomas. Our lives revolved around the schedules of the six early intervention therapists working daily with Thomas at our house.

Each morning after his 6 a.m. arrival, I cupped Thomas’ chin in my hand, looked deep into his eyes, and told him, “I know you’re in there, Thomas. Don’t you worry. I’m going to find a way to come in and get you. We will explore the world, maybe not the way I planned, but in another, better way.”

Thomas hugged me whenever I told him this, and I felt an understanding in the little arms wrapped around my neck. I stopped reading emotionally devastating case histories and listen­ing to the dire predictions of doctors. Instead, I developed a new hope in the intervention path we’d chosen to pur­sue with Thomas, along with the total family involvement that continued and supplemented the therapy.

The months spread into years. Life fell into a new routine where tears no longer had a place. We took weekend trips to the New Jersey shore where Thomas splashed in the ocean, went to restaurants, Thomas & Friends events, and the circus. We never avoided any family event because of Thomas’ autism.

Challenges? Many! Thomas went through a period where high-pitched sounds, such as those emitted by a house alarm, sent him into a panic. He’d bolt into traffic if he weren’t held onto tightly. This terror disappeared, only to be replaced by fear of a certain color of ice-cream truck. The sight of this truck would send him into a melt­down of sobbing and hiding in his bed. This reaction also left him as mysteri­ously as it came upon him. Thankfully, neither problem has resurfaced.

By age 4, Thomas proved to be high-functioning. He was toilet-trained, able to converse, and possessed a memory that was sometimes sharper than mine! However, despite his aging out of the early intervention services he’d received at home (and therapists’ recommenda­tions that he be put in a mainstream program with an aide), he was denied entrance into a universal pre-K.

Ignorance, unfortunately, exists in school systems. For her first excuse, the school administrator said, “We don’t have any autistic children in our school.” She also said, “We don’t allow aides into our pre-K classrooms.” However, if a child was in a wheelchair, or needed medical care, an aide would be permit­ted. Finally, I was callously informed, “There are schools for kids like this.” The administrator, who hadn’t taken the time to meet Thomas, handed me a list of schools she’d written out on a yellow sheet of paper; each school was for severely retarded kids. Thomas is not retarded —he simply learns in a different way than other children.

I was offended, and I vowed to fight back. Thomas has his quirks, but in a group of other boys his age, it would take a trained eye to realize he is autistic. He is not violent, he is very social, and he loves all the things other boys do—playground swings, slides, worms, fire engines, building snowmen. The only reason he has an aide is to help keep him on track when the class transitions from one task to another. He would much rather work on an art project than practice printing his letters!

Believe me, hell hath no fury like angry grandparents. Together, Tom and I declared war on the ignorant segment of society that doesn’t have a clue when it comes to autism. Vocal opposition, writing letters, public protesting with signs—we’ve become so visible at local rallies that we are affectionately known as Grandma and Grandpa Autism. We’re disgusted with the parents who don’t invite Thomas to their child’s party because they’re afraid he might act up. Put 10 4-year-olds in a room for any amount of time, and some will mis­behave —it’s the age, not the condition.

We’re angry about our major medi­cal plans. Our daughter must work a certain number of hours to maintain medical coverage. No plans cover the cost of all the specialists Thomas must see, and some specialists, knowing how desperate parents of autistic children are, do business on a cash basis only. The retirement savings Tom and I had put aside has been depleted to pay for services Thomas must have and his mom can’t afford.

We’re tired of always having to re­tain legal representation for Thomas to receive the services, school placement, and benefits he’s entitled to under law. And yes, he is now attending the pre-K we applied to and doing better than many of his classmates, but help was necessary to gain acceptance.

We’re disappointed in the behav­ior of former friends, some of whom have been part of our lives for decades. Rather than support us emotionally and accept that Thomas is who he is, they decided to ignore his existence. When confronted, a common defense was, “We don’t know what to say.” Not an acceptable excuse. A simple “How is Thomas?” would have done just fine.

Most of all, I’m concerned for my declining health. Conditions brought about by stress affect my life, yet I must hang on until the day when Thomas realizes —and he will —that he was born into a cruel world where people will always shun him because he has autism. I must be here so that I can instill in him that autism doesn’t matter to those who love him. Yes, he has a mother who is his greatest advo­cate, a grandfather who adores him, and two aunts ready to assist him in his life journey. Still, I believe there is no love more intense than a grandmother’s love. So I take my prescription medica­tions, diet, exercise, and pray a lot!

Thanks to intensive one-on-one early intervention therapy, a strong family support system, and his now-mainstream class, Thomas continues to make excellent strides in his devel­opment. He is a good boy and will become a good man, despite the tough future he faces. We believe the day will come when an adult Thomas, with some supervision, will have a job and be able to live independently.

This past summer, Thomas received his passport. He would like to visit the Caribbean because he wants to swim with the dolphins. If I can squeeze myself into the bathing suit purchased for the canceled retirement trip, I just might take that swim with him.

Occasionally, someone asks us if we regret not taking that European vaca­tion. Tom and I always laugh because we have been on a never-ending journey called autism. It’s our everyday foreign land. We don’t speak the language; we learn as we go; we get confused, lost, and exhausted. Still, we are not unhappy as we move forward with our senior lives. The addition of autism to our family made us stumble, but we did not fall. Together, with high hopes for the future, we go onward.

Advice for grandparents who have an autistic child

Let out your grief! Cry. Rant. Break some glasses. Throw rocks at the ocean. It won’t cure your grandchild’s autism, but you will feel better.

Accept that you are second in command. Although you may feel strongly about what should be done for your grandchild, the final decision ultimately belongs to the parents.

Do not compare your grandchild to other autistic children. Although each child shares some behaviors, they are all different.

Learn your grandchild’s legal rights! Find a lawyer who specializes in representing children with disabilities. Some offer a free consult, a senior-citizen discount, or base payment according to economic need. It is also a good idea to find the best way to legally protect your grandchild’s financial future after your death.

A pediatrician will be one of the most important persons in your grandchild’s life, so it’s imperative you help your son or daughter find someone with autism experience. A knowledgeable doctor will be able to care for your grandchild’s special physical needs, and he or she can also guide you to other beneficial services.

Network. Speak with others who have an autistic grandchild. It helps you mentally to know that you are not alone with your fear and your hope. With autism reaching epidemic proportions, it’s not hard to locate families who share your situation. Other families are also great sources of information when you need to locate activities such as an autism-friendly Cub Scout pack or a Little League geared to special-needs children.

Do not assume you must refinance your home to help pay for your grandchid’s care! Our neurologist referred us to an Early childhood Direction Center that, in the state of New York, is administered by the Office of Vocational and Educational Services for Individuals with Disabilities. They helped us secure services that Thomas required – free of charge. However, financial allowances for services for Individuals with Disabilities. They helped us secure services that Thomas required – free of charge. However, financial allowances for services, such as home-based early intervention, vary from state to state.

Take time for yourself. I like to sit in the silence of our local Barnes & Noble, browsing through books that have nothing to do with autism. Tom enjoys stretching out on the sofa and watching vintage television shows.

Spend quality time with each other. Tom and I take evening walks along a favorite oceanfront path. We also take advantage of early-bird specials and eat out once a week.

Finally, just love your grandchild for the special person he or she is.