Friday, November 10, 2006

Posting old crap has become a bit of a theme lately around here. Below the line is one of few instances I ever attempted to roleplay online. Back around the turn of the millenium I got into e-fedding, a.k.a. the online wrestling role-playing scene. I was most active in the first e-fed I joined, the LWA. If those three letters stood for anything I was never told.

E-feds are chock full of people interested in playing huge grunty, musclely guys. No surprise there. Most roleplaying posts by these people involve either showing off bling and bitches or establish that the character is the ultimate badass. So for my guy I decided to do something totally different. I played a comedy character called Kid Skull. He was basically a clueless fan with a skull mask and some pink trunks (he got them on sale). Kid Skull had no idea what he was getting himself into, but he could ignore a wide range of injuries based on sheer stupidity. His younger brother Stewart served as camera man for all of the Kid's utterly amateurish promo videos.

Kid Skull wrestled most of his matches in the Cruiserweight Division, where little high-flyers really came into their own. The promo below was written right before a big cruiserweight battle royal to determine the new Cruiserweight Champion. His two big threats were Leroy "Bad News" Brown, the villainous owner of the fed, and Nightwing, another rookie whose first promo was a total emo gothfest set in a ruined cathedral. Hence the themes and settings of the piece below.Oh my! That's scary!by Kid Skull

[Cut from static to another crappy home video. This time we are in an abandoned building of some sort. It's a dilapidated, rain-soaked mess. Vaguely boarded up windows allow moonlight to peer into the room. Broken, unidentifiable bits of furniture are scattered about. The wind howls as some rainwater drips from the ceiling into a large puddle on the cement floor. The lighting in here is rather poor and flickery.]

Boo!

[Kid Skull leaps into the field of vision, menacing the camera. He's wearing his ring gear: wrestling boots, pink trunks, and skull mask. To this he has also added a black cape, a cheap vinyl job like you can get with bad dracula costumes.]

Are you scared? Well, you should be! For you have found Kid Skull, scary goth vampire wrestling guy, in his Lair of Doom! Before I suck your souls and crush your blood--no wait. Before I suck your blood and crush your souls (Yeah, that's it.) I will enlighten you as to my dastardly master plan! Come with me!

[Kid Skull makes a beckoning gesture as he moves across the room, stumbling over some of the debris and possibly his cape. The camera pans amateurishly/ We come to a card table. On it are a dozen tiny colorful birthday cake candles and three of the larger ones each shaped like the number 6. These candles barely illuminate Kid Skull's spiral notebook, which is open to a section entitled 'Winning the Belt' with lots of stick figure sketches. Laying in the middle of the table is a checkerboard.]

From this dark crypt I plat my opponents' downfall! Here, watch the game of human checkers unfold! [He points to the single black checker on the board.] This piece represents the People's Corporate Champion, yours truly. These other pieces [motioning to the red checkers] are the other participants in the upcoming battle royal, while the board represents the ring. Behold, my master stragedy!

First I'll chokeslam King Gangster right out of the ring.

[Jumps one red piece and discards it.]

Then I'll slap a Dimaond Stunner on Scarface and hoist his fat mafioso butt over the top rope.

[Jumps another piece and flicks it off the board.]

Native uprising eats a jackass powerbomb to the floor!

[He continues his checkers game, taking another red piece off the board.]

I'm saving an Outsiderazor's Edge for you, Viper Armed.

[Another red checker gets jumped and tossed.]

Nightwing, ah, Nightwing. So you think you're superbad, eh? I haven't seen a decent fight out of you since you and the Batman split up! You spent your entire Teen Titans career being saved by run-ins from frickin' Wonder Girl, fer chrissake! You thin I fear you? [Jumps the checker.] I'm just gonna scoop you up [picks up red checker] and slam you into the crowd!

[Throws checker in the direction of the camera.]

Ow!

Oh, sorry Stewart. Anyway, that leaves just you and me, Mr. President Bad News, sir.

[Kid Skull looks down at the board, somewhat confused as he realizes that the two remaining pieces are nowher near each other.]

Uhhhh. Hmmmm. I guess we'll meet in the middle of the ring. [He quickly rearranges the pieces.] Two mighty titans on the world of professional wrestling sport entertainment industry. Unfortunately, only one of them can be Hardcore Intercontinental Heavycruiserweight Television Champion of the World! So then-

[Loud banging can be heard. Kid Skull looks off-camera.]

What are you kids doing in there?

Oh crap, Mark! I think it's the cops!

[Kid Skull looks around, panicked.]

Run!

[Kid Skull flees off camera. Cut to static.]Kid Skull was surprisingly successful, primarily because none of the other players were doing anything like I was. I held that cruiserweight strap for a while and got a couple David & Goliath victories off of some serious heavyweight heels. All in all I had a good run with this character. When I purchased Legends of Wrestling II for the X-box I was thrilled to discover that the character creator menus included both a skull mask and pink ballet tights. Nowadays Kid Skull holds the Legends Tag Team belts with this Chyna-like amazonian grappler.

"Man, is there anything Jeff CAN'T do when it comes to gaming? This guy is like a critical 20 every roll. Jeff can bite the heads offa five game geeks, including their sorry-ass DM, and spit 'em into a large duffel bag ONE AT A TIME!...that's just the kind of messed up bastard he is! You think yer a gamer, punk? Well..do ya? Jeff will depants your weasel-ass right in front of your grandma."