Unless you’ve been living in some type of secluded cave, you know how Disney sells its movies: on its own terms and out of a “vault.” (I also like to think that these films, original tape and all, are sitting somewhere in a literal giant vault that does not have a mouse head for a door.) Where only certain films are available at any given time. It’s a concept that limits how many DVDs you can accumulate at once (that is unless you look to outside vendors like Amazon or eBay), while hypothetically ensuring Disney will sell more films during each of their efforts. It’s a method I think is a bunch of crap. Because You can pretty much get these movies anyway, so long as you’re willing to pay. The vault was started in 1944 – which makes it more than 60 years old. Time for a change, guys. […]

In just two short days, I will be turning a certain number of years old. And I’m pretty pumped about it. Because who doesn’t love birthdays, really? Sure it’s not fun to turn old(er), but as a wise lady named Dear Prudie once said, “You only feel old because it’s the oldest you’ve ever been.” But it IS fun to celebrate. Not because I think I’m a huge deal, but because I’m always looking for a good excuse. Especially when it’s to have fun. So what am I doing this year to celebrate? First off, thanks for asking. Second of all, all kinds of things. On the actual day, I’m wearing a fancy dress and being taken out by Bo. For his work event that just so happens to fall on my day of birth. Where I’ll get to be confused by how much silverware there is to use. Fill […]

In my 20-odd years, I’m grown a lot of hair. Like, tens of feet worth, probably. Maybe even hundreds. It just grows quickly. It’s also very thick; ponytails offer record-level headaches – that is, until the next trim and thin. (Believe me, balding dudes, if I could share it, I absolutely would.) With winter coming up, it’s kind of like a built-in scarf. And aside from the thousands I spend per year on hairspray and conditioner, I mostly like having it around. On top of my head that is, not so much for everywhere else it ends up. Like, everywhere; my sheets, the shower, and especially the floor. Vacuuming and sweeping calls for record amounts of clean up clean up. As in a cleaning of the devices you are using to clean. My office chair gets lint rolled every few months, calling for multiple sheets of paper. Even my car […]

Note: This is a collection of horror stories, but shouldn’t discount the fun that actually was had on each of these trips. In honor of my upcoming trip to see Hilde, who has up and moved herself to California, I thought it only appropriate to count down my least favorite traveling moments. So I might remember that, no matter how crowded an airport or how rude the TSA agent is, some day it will be funny. From vehicle breakdowns to “creams” that can’t be taken on planes, here are some of the worst days of my existence. 5. Estes Park Breakdown Sometime between 10 and 13 – the awkward years that just blur together – my family and I went to Colorado. And on the day we were to travel to Estes Park, which is accessible through about 500 mountains, our van broke down. At the top of the mountain, […]

Thanks, me. Last week it was my birthday. And to celebrate my aging yet further into oblivion, my parents took me to a ballet performance of Romeo and Juliet. Which was pretty much what you’d expect it to be – a story danced out with tights and way too much drama. The dancing itself was wonderful, but when it comes to throwing in a storyline, everything goes to crap. Or if you’d like it in math form: dancing alone = great, then + a plot and it’s a bunch of flamboyant hacks prancing around in pleather. If real-life sword fighting required that much jumping, no one would have the stamina to take on a single dual. They’d be winded after their first pass. Inigo Montoya wouldn’t have been able to stab anyone with all those leg flourishes getting in the way, let alone a guy with an extra finger.* Anyway, […]

“Braces are the worst.” – anyone who’s ever had them. In the seventh grade, I was fitted for my first set of braces. Because of a too-small mouth and teeth still needing a home, my at-the-time dentist thought it’d be best to rearrange. A restructuring of sorts to create more space where none existed before. Like if you’d bought a new couch and couldn’t quite make it fit in your living room. Then the deliverymen were coming any minute, and you had to kick it in gear to make the extra space on time. But overall, the short-term sacrifice was worthwhile – on account of how great your new couch looked. And if it’d worked out that way, life might’ve been swell and dandy. Sure I was in pain much of the time, sure my mouth was packed with wax to keep metal from digging into my bleeding gums. But […]

Since childhood, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory has been one of my favorite movies. It’s full of whimsy and hosts a super weird/awesome chocolate factory – pretty much every kid’s dream. Besides, after the 11th or so plot flaw, you just kind of move past it and enjoy the show for what it is. Like Gilligan’s Island or Santa Claus – sometimes if you want to believe in something, you just have to believe. No matter how evening gowns were packed for a single day trip. Despite the willingness to move on, however, there are some things that just can’t be forgotten.* One of which, still irks me to the core. While I won’t get started on the logistics of the factory itself – how doors suddenly change size, soda can make you fly, or how gum can create food-like tastes and textures. Or how a man who puts […]