Archive for October, 2009

The Bizarreville Department of Labor is in the process of passing a Don’t Ask/Don’t Tell bill which would apply to job interviews of any kind. Originally intended to just apply to sexual orientation, the Labor Dept. said: why not go ahead and apply it to…well, everything? They did.

The Labor Dept has complained about getting barraged with charges against employers for various discrimination hiring practices. In response, business has spent millions of dollars to develop “fair” interview techniques and validated testing procedures to level the playing field…supposedly. But protected classes still complain that the very nature of the tests is unfair to one group or another. “For example, one question asks if you turn a boat rudder a certain way, which way will the boat turn? Now that question plainly discriminates against lower-income groups that have never owned a boat, have never been on a boat, may not know what a boat is. How on earth would they know how a freaking rudder works? I mean really!”

But the Department also feels the very nature of asking a job interviewee about his/her previous work experience is fraught with discrimination pitfalls. “Probing into their previous jobs?? Oh, please. Right there you’re blatantly discriminating against: (1) people who show up late to work just because they have cheap alarm clocks, (2) people with severe mental disabilities who screw-up at work through, truly, no fault of their own, (3) people who chronically get fired a lot because…well, just because of bad luck, (4) people with anxiety disorders who end up getting into fistfights with co-workers who make fun of them. It’s ridiculous how much discrimination goes on. And the point is: this kind of job misfortune should not be held against them.”

Representatives from the Labor Dept were asked if employers could at least ask about education background. “No. That clearly discriminates against people who hated going to school. You need educated people? Train on the job.”

So the Bizarreville Dept of Labor is instituting a new labor law which prevents asking really any questions about an applicant’s background. “We may allow questions about their Hobbies…that’s still under consideration at this point.” The department claims that the whole process will be much simpler. “There used to be a long list of things you could and could not ask interviewees…now just ask nothing. Simple.”

When asked by Business about how they can differentiate one candidate from another, the Labor Dept responds, “You really can’t anymore…just need to take what you get, and that’s it. My, my, why are you guys making such a big deal of this…you must be accustomed to doing a lot of discrimination in the past?”

Business owners claim that this fight is not over, and will appeal. It may be an uphill battle for them, however, since the Board of Appeal has many unsympathetic members who have previously been canned from their jobs.

Suddenly, its seem there is a nouveaux love affair with the bizarre teachings of Mao among some of the Port tack whacks. Mao? Killer of millions of his own people? That Mao? Huh?

Turns out, it was all a big mistake. They weren’t quoting that nutball Mao…they were quoting Delwood Mou, the old red-neck who lives down at Slobson Creek. Yeah, that guy. The one who once said: “Showers? Baths? Who needs ’em? What a waste of our precious water resource!” Or who said, “The only thing those f#&@*! deer understand comes from the barrel of a gun.” And…”When you put the power in people’s hands…well they’ll probably just fart if off.” And finally, “Class stuggle is a problem in society… because some people like to go to classes, and others like me like to ditch.” That Mou.

Mou is garnering more and more followers to his profound teachings. He wrote a book chock full of his favorite sayings, but he forgot and left the original manuscript in a public restroom at the bus station. Next morning: gone. He put out a $3 reward if anyone found it, but so far, not so good. But with all these Libs now quoting Mou, he thinks the manuscript may surface.

Mou got much of his material…the provocative sayings, philosophy, and pretzel logic…from his grandfather, Papa Hooma Mou, who was a deeply religious preacher and part-time bass singer in a funky country music quartet. Critics called the elder Mou “off key”. The elder Mou would often bellyache about large corporations and capitalism. They say that he was bitter, ever since being fired from Flummox Inc. for excessive absenteeism, sleeping on the job, general laziness, and using bad language. “No way did I ever use bad language,” Papa Hooma Mou replied. “I was flippin’ railroaded. And that’s the problem with big companies…they’re out to fire all their workers…constantly on the look-out for who can we fire next? They all need to be put in jail.”

When asked if he would prefer socialism, communism, marxism, or fascism as an alternate, old Mou would answer: “Sure.”

The Bizarreville Center for Disease Control reports that Hairy Reed syndrome is quickly reaching pandemic levels. All medical offices are on full alert. Of particular concern is the number of advanced cases where the thatches of hair follicle growth in throats/sinuses blocks oxygen flow, ultimately starving the brain.

The wards are filling up with babbling basketcases who, sadly, are numb above the neck. One afflicted patient was quoted saying “Glerf flerb gok gok gok kom blubb boodoo hoohoo shiff shoe kachungahunga gwax kax.” No one seems to be able to translate the nonsensical blabber, but it is believed to be streaming obscenities.

Another patient just sat in a corner and hummed in a continuous monotone drone. Several patients danced around the room swatting at bugs and flies, and eating little spiders. Another was trying to write his memoir, but all that was coming out were imbecilic scribbles and doodles. A pitiful sight.

“It’s sad to see what hairy reed has done to these fine folks. That lady there, the one with the fake eyelashes, is a famous Hollywood actress. But now, look at her…tsk, tsk…reduced to a blithering idiot. That fellow there is a billionaire…yet all his billions could not prevent him from turning into a lame brain. That chap there is a lawyer who wasn’t too smart to begin with, but now has deteriorated to full-vegetable status. A vegetable, for crying out loud.”

The Center is continuing its efforts to develop a hairy reed vaccine or antidote, but has had limited success. People with robust brain tissue seem to be able to resist infection, but those with softer brain tissue often succumb. The Center hopes and prays they can stop hairy reed before it goes too far in turning all our gray matter into gray jello.

In an effort to give people more choice in their lives, Bizarreville Legislators are rolling out Opt-In/Opt-Out provisions for certain programs. It is certain to be a winner with people plain tired of being told what to do.

Citizens will be able to Opt-In/Opt-Out of paying income tax. If Opt-In, they will pay tax as normal, but with a 1% surtax to cover the cost of new program elements. If Opt-Out, a citizen will be able to just Go to Jail directly and start doing his/her time without the bothersome hassle/delays of a jury trial…not having to put up with the stupid antics of lawyers fiddling about, a common complaint among cons. It’s an attractive convenience option for those who want to get on with it.

Citizens can Opt-In to government health care, or they can just Opt-Out. Fortunately the Opt-Out progam has 2 options: the “Gold” program which allows citizens to buy their own insurance for $5 thousand/month…or the “Brown” program which is totally free, and as a bonus, includes a free prayer book for the late night bedside vigils at home, and a 6-ounce package of fairy dust.

Bizarreville citizens can Opt-In or Opt-Out to obeying traffic signals, starting the 1st of next month. Polls suggest that the majority of people will Opt-In. But police officers warn that if you choose to Opt-In, you will be ticketed if you run a red light, Opt-outers will not…so think carefully before you make your annual selection.

There was much Opt-ing discussion on the subject of public urination. Both sides made good points. But no consensus could be drawn, so that particular item has been tabled.

Citizens can Opt-In or Opt-Out of considering Thanksgiving a national holiday. This came up after the Moms complained that they were sick and tired of cooking huge, fattening meals all day, while Dads watched the pathetic Lions play football…then everybody fell asleep from tryptophan poisoning before the dishes could be washed. Then the Bosses all wondered, “How did the Friday after Thanksgiving ever become a national holiday, anyway? What is it…National Shopaholic Day or something? We need to expunge that day for sure.” Others chimed in, “And Thanksgiving itself…what is it…giving thanks for a great harvest? Who harvests anymore? We just go to the Super Wal-Mart and fill up the basket. I guess we could be thankful that they now have those larger shopping baskets with better-aligned wheels, that don’t keep steering into the shelves. Yeah, that’s been good.” Legislators saw a King Solomon moment here, and decided to make Thanksgiving holiday an “Opt”.

If Opt-ing catches on, they’ve got more to consider in the future, such as carding in bars, allowing obscenities to be broadcast on TV, and offering free water in restaurants. Stay tuned.

Bizarreville medical authorities report that Mr. Ernie Muxford is indeed the first confirmed case of hairy reed syndrome in Bizarreville. “While this is a tragic development, particularly for the Muxford family, it is good that it was diagnosed early to prevent pandemic spreading.”

Hairy reed, as most know, is an acute condition where massive quantities of hair start growing out of literally every cavity of the body. Normally, hair initially starts wildly growing out of the ears. In no time, it prevents the victim from being able to hear correctly, particularly distorting the sound frequency range of the human voice. Soon afterward, hair growth starts plugging the lower cavities, causing major backup of waste products. This distorts the internal organs and begins poisoning the vital systems in its destructive trek through the body.

Finally, hairy reed does its most destructive damage. The follicle spread reaches the nose, sinus, and throat which begins to cut-off oxygen supply to the brain. The victim breathes harder and harder, but cannot pull in enough air to meet the brain’s need. The victim gets foggy and starts losing judgment. He may begin spouting-off angry raves of pure nonsense, and/or babbling meaningless drivel. Often the rants will be directed at things he cares most about, but in his advanced diseased state, simply knows not what he says. He may begin advocating destructive behavior. It is very, very sad.

Rarely fatal, hairy reed normally does leave its victim with permanent brain damage. There have been some rare cases of reversal, but this takes years, perhaps decades, of intense anti-reed therapy and thorough poison cleansing.

The Bizarreville Center for Disease Control warns all citizens to be aware of the signs, and particularly warns those portions of the population most susceptible. For some odd reason, college professors are quite susceptible…but, because of their environment, usually can do very little in terms of preventive measures. Students are warned to avoid these disease carriers when scheduling their classes…and if spotting a hairy reed-infected professor, inform authorities immediately so he/she can be hauled-off, and properly quarantined.

Bizarreville was fortunate to get its fair slice of the Economic Stimulus bill, and it will be put to good immediate use. The Bizarreville Unemployment Compensation building was tremendously undersized and needed help. Stimulus funds have been earmarked to expand the office capacity by a factor of 3, add 18 rows of new cattle gates, and install a high-tech number-taking system to handle the burgeoning flow of jobless applicants.

“We have jobless who are doing the carpentry work, saying it will now be much easier to collect their comp checks. Of course, we reminded them that they aren’t eligible anymore….got a pretty good laugh out of it…ha, ha, ha ha.”

“But seriously…it’s money well spent. It creates jobs on one hand, and truly builds for our future on the other. We will also be adding clerks and changing management practices to allow us to handle 4 or 5 times as many jobless as we could a few years ago. May be able to do even better once we get things rolling. I hate to say this, but we’re hoping the Algoofco aluminum factory down the street shuts its doors so we can really test our new systems here. My opinion: we’ll be ready.”

The new number-taking system actually stamps the number on the applicant’s left hand when he/she comes in the door. No more little tickets that people whine about: “Oh, I didn’t know I had to take a ticket,” or “Oh, I lost my ticket, but I’m really number 49.”

“That’s been frustrating, let me tell you, but now it will be: Let me see your dang hand, “49” or whatever your number is.”

They’re going to go ahead and spruce up the office restrooms while they’re doing the rehab work. There’s a large “Unidentified Miscellaneous” category in the funding package, and the current toilets have those old large flush tanks. “We’ll save water and help the environment,” claims the project manager. As a finishing touch, they plan to use some leftover cattle gates to make an organized waiting line for the women’s restroom. “If there’s another Stimulus bill, we may be able to add a baby-changing table in both restrooms…but we’ll just have to wait and see.”

Bizarreville economists have teamed with Research botanists to successfully create a new strain of mountain ash trees which produce money leaves. That is correct…cash, moola, hard currency blooming on the tree. This had been a long-term stealth research project for years which had struggled to achieve success. The original goal was to encourage more tree-planting, but later the team expanded goals to include trying to discover a renewable source of currency. But with hard work, determination, and genetic experimentation, success has arrived.

It takes about 10 years for the tree to mature before it produces full-size green twenties, and another 5 years before fifties will fruit. But once there, each tree can produce bushel-baskets full of fresh cash, ready for immediate spending.

It’s best to pick the cash before late autumn when bills start to shrivel, brown, fall off the trees, and rot. Harvesting in September/October also times perfectly with the beginning of the frantic Christmas shopping season…so you can pick and shop, pick some more, shop some more.

According the the Bizarreville Tree Czar, plans are to plant these trees initially in the ghettos and other areas of economic distress. This will allow underprivileged citizens to go out and pick some handfuls of fresh bills, then go buy nacho chips, TV’s, underwear, athletic shoes, beer, and video games…whatever needs they truly need to fill.

Eventually, the money trees will replace welfare and food stamps, and all the associated overhead with running these bloated bureaucracies. The trees will also displace the new “Handouts for Anything/Everything” program, the “Deadbeats Cash Assistance” program, and the “Tax Breaks for Non-taxpayers” program, with a much more efficient way to distribute money.

Economists remind us: “People who want to work a little harder and shake the tree or climb up on the branches can get a little more than those who just wait for the cash to fall off. It’s like an incentive program…which should sorta please ardent right-wingers who believe in rewards for hard work. But don’t worry, left-wingers, there’s really plenty for everyone. So enjoy!”

A consortium of Bizarreville Business owners and Corporate chieftains are lobbying hard for quick passage of the Health Care bill Public Option (PO). They are encouraging Legislators to ignore all the confusing/inconsistent polling numbers that bumble their way to gauge public opinion of the PO. “Don’t believe the goofy numbers…trust us. The PO will be a good thing. It’s something we need, and need now,” cried the business people.

Pundits were quite surprised that these pillars of industry were so vocally in favor of the PO. The talking heads asked them if they understood that they would still have the option to keep their current plans.

“Pffffft…yeah, right…you think we’re gonna hold onto our lousy high-cost cruddy program, when we have this other option? You think we’re gonna go to our Boards and tell them we’ve got two options: one, continue to pay out the ying-yang for this headache-inducing health plan we’ve got now, or two, punt, get out of the freaking health care business, dump the costs, and let the feds do it? Hmmmm…let me see, tough choice, let’s study it.

“We compete globally with Yoks whose employees are already covered by government programs, Mr. Homebones. We have had a major competitive disadvantage versus these subsidized twerps. Guess they’re a lot smarter than us numbskulls, cuz they figured this out decades ago.

“Seriously, if we could take Health care off our Balance Sheet, how many New York minutes do you think it would take for any of us to pull the lever on our programs? One? Two? Na na na na hey hey, kiss it good-bye. Take a photo of it quick and hang it on the wall for nostalgia.”

The Legislators were asked to respond to the Business’ strong support for the PO. But they said, “They just don’t understand. They can keep their current Health plans. The Public Option is just an option, one option, not the only option. From our standpoint, we would love to see them all keep their current plans intact.”

Bizarreville carmakers report that car thefts are down to a 20-year low, initially bringing about some excitement in Executive offices. But, after further review, it became clear that pathetic design, ugly styling, and general car boringness were the biggest contributing factors to the decline. Curiously, golf cart thefts have trended up in recent months.

The Car Thieves International Union (CTIU) agreed with the assessment. “Yeah, dem cars are so freaking ugly, I for one would not be caught dead pilfering one,” commented the CTIU president. The Union noted that even the stolen car parts were now harder to peddle, due to shoddy quality and lousy basic designs. This has caused Fences to have to return the stolen merchandise for full credit. There was even a recent case where a thief was clubbed over the head with a busted, defective tie rod from an unhappy Black Market customer who had frankly gotten fed up with poor quality goods. “It’s becoming epidemic. And it’s putting our entire f#&*!$ business at risk,” cited an underground paint shop proprietor.

The insurance companies are naturally thrilled by the theft trend, and have gone on record to encourage all the car companies to go even further in adopting mediocrity, especially in car styling. “Take that new model from Shanker Motors called the Thumb. That car is so ugly my grammaw wouldn’t get inside. It looks like a cross between a bratwurst and a…well…you-know-what. But it works most of the time, and just doesn’t get stolen. Would like to see more Thumbs out there, and other ‘Fingers’ for that matter.” Insurers point out that this reduction in thievery will also eventually save money on insurance premiums…or at the very least, reduce the amount of the annual premium increases to the car owner…which they say is basically the same thing.

Meanwhile the car companies are just plain perplexed…but that is really nothing particularly new. After all, they had thought they were making real cool cars, before they started realizing what was actually coming out the factory door. “Hey, if the market wants junk, we’ll give ’em junk. That’s something we know how to do (ha, ha),” an unnamed car exec said in jest.

Bizi Bank has been on hard times. Of course, it all started when they made all those bad loans…millions and millions in stupid, numbskull loans approved by the Loan Board that, sadly, had that bout with marijuana addictions… what were they calling it? Refer-pprovals, no waiting…how much do you need? Have any nacho chips with you?

But the Board has been through rehab now and been thoroughly cleansed with hypnosis therapy, yoga, and fleet enemas. They have been analyzed and evaluated by true loan specialists from the mob, who have given them a clean bill of health. And they have taken a pledge to tighten back their anuses to pre-crisis level.

The fact remains that Bizi was given a $3 gazillion government bailout, footed by taxpayers, some of whom were not too happy about bailing out these dope heads. They were especially angry when Bizi handed out honkin’ bonus checks to their fellow smoker-tokers, in a moment of “brilliant” political astuteness. Articles in the newspaper were cruel calling Bizi leadership “Blagojevichian” in its wisdom…ouch. Bizi fired back with an OpEd saying that the newspaper had one use, you could wipe with it…and even at that, there were a whole hell of a lot of better/softer wiping options. Touche.

Meanwhile…citizens, already pretty unhappy with Bizi, were even more turned-off by this banter and started pulling their savings out. Bizi had to move fast, but they knew what they had to do: Toasters…toasters, and lots of them. They offered a free toaster to each account who did not pull money out. Luckily, they had still had some unspent Bailout funds remaining to be able to quickly buy a few truckloads of toasters. Filled their whole vault with toasters where once there was cash.

It’s early to tell, but Bizi says toasters are moving fast. Some customers have complained that the toasters are just the 2-slice kind with narrow slots that don’t do bagels…but they grab them anyway. “We’ll give them as Christmas presents.”

The Geezer Club of Bizarreville was having its morning meeting and constitutional around the cracker barrel at the General Store, when the debate turned to troops in Afghanistan.

“I don’t think we should send any more of our fine young lads there. Those Talibans are pure whack jobs, almost as crazy as that Floop family who live down at the Mung Pond. Remember them? Remember when young Johnnie Floop…I think he was about 13 back then…allegedly dropped a deuce right in the City Hall fountain? That’s when they found out that the fountain was tied into the entire water system…had to shut it all down and disinfect it. Then some guy with a bag over his head, rumored to be his brother Dirk, streaked at that championship basketball game, tripped and fell on his you-know-what, and they had to bring out the Disinfectant team once again. Had to postpone the whole game. Those Floop kids just terrorized the town.”

“Yeah, I remember those days…pretty gross bunch, them Floops. Lucky we had that Disinfectant squad.”

“Remember? Bizarreville citizens got really flustered , and demanded action against those unadulterated dirt bags. But that Floop family was pretty clever at dodging and weaving, denying any wrong-doing, slithering away when things got hot, covering tracks. The authorities were puzzled until one clever citizen suggested a way to divert their jerk-ball energy into a nonsensical activity…the game of Roach Search & Destroy. It was a perfect game for the knucklehead set…crawling around in the dirt to root out the little critters, then beating/scrunching them to a pulp. Their household was a perfect setting for the game with crud and filth in literally every corner, attracting the game pieces by the thousands. They created an internal competition among family members…not just for highest roach count, but also bonus points for extraordinary acts of squishmanship. Mounted roach taxidermy on just about every wall.

“It worked. They spent all their energy on that stupid roach game, and quit terrorizing the citizens. Eventually had to dismantle the old Disinfectant SWAT squad due to lack of work. So…anyway… that’s how we ought to deal with the Taliban… surreptitiously get ’em a game going that would divert their attention. Maybe they could substitute goats or yaks or something for the roaches.”