Pages

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Dear Hollywood: Battleship

It has been over a month since this feature made its debut, so just for a refresher, check out the letters that circled J. Edgar. Basically, if you know those columns with the 'agony aunts' that go:
Dear Agony Aunt,
I'm always cold. What do I do?
From I. C. Colde.
...then you'll know what I'm on about here. But we're putting it in the context of a movie, and Hollywood will be replying to the sender. In the hotseat tonight we have Battleship.

Dear Hollywood,

It would seem that we have run out of ideas for movies. Someone has already adapted The Hunger Games, Twilight and Harry Potter, and to make it worse, they've split the last book into two films so they don't have the problemm of thinking up new ideas. Cheaters. The only thing that young cinema-goers love more than adaptations of their favourite books are explosions. Now, I think we've run out of superheroes to have running away from explosions. Unless we reboot the Batman franchise so we can release it a week after The Dark Knight Rises. We don't know where else we can get ideas from so we can have movies filled with explosions. I mean, where do you get inspiration for that kinda stuff from? Like, you need a story to go with the explosions to keep it interesting. Like in Transformers, there was a story about a guy with a stutter who ended up going out with a really hot girl. And there were lots of explosions. That turned out okay, didn't it?

Look around you, there is inspiration everywhere. Go to the supermarket - look at the fruit, and all the different ways it could explode, causing widespread harm to the world. Go to an antique store, and see how some non-descript clock could be bought by an unassuming nerd, when really it holds the key to the demise of the world. Go to Subway, and imagine how all the yeast in the bread could really come alive and attack us all. Just look at the way every day objects could see the demise of this world. That way you can never run out of ideas.

Hollywood.

Dear Hollywood,

So I was out at the mall today, and I got my calling: how about we adapt the board game Battleship for the screen? That way, we can have a whole lot of explosions, but AT SEA! I'm not sure how it would lead to the demise of the world, though.

Just throw in NASA and some fake experiment that they're doing and you'll trick people into think you're totally legit. And add some aliens. I know there weren't aliens in the original board game, but you can just add those in because I'm sure that no-one is really worried about the integrity in your adaptation. Plus, aliens will end the world for you. Just go have a chat to them at the End of the World Team Department at you incorporation.

Hollywood.

Dear Hollywood,

But what about a story? I don't think we can use another guy with a stutter, or Megan Fox for that matter, because Michael might get a bit angry.

Oh never mind, you can still have a hot chick in there. It is kind of the law in all explosion filled films. Maybe you could make it into an advertisement for joining the Navy? Since you're out at sea and all, that would make sense. You'll have to have an extra buff block of wood heading the film, and you might as well shove Alexander Skarsgard on the poster but kill him off in the first half an hour. He's hot enough to get bums on seats, but you won't need him there the whole time. He is probably too busy singing ABBA in Sweden with the rest of his Swedish chums, anyway. I guess since Taken 2 is out this year, you might want to cast Liam Neeson as a gruff, protective father. Oh, and how about casting Rihanna? People love it when singers try to act. And yeah, you have the makings of a cracker story. All you need is a bad script filled with bad jokes, some AC/DC wherever you can fit them and lots of slow motion. And then you'll have the perfect movie for teenage boys.

Hollywood.

Dear Hollywood,

Thank you - I think I succeeded with all of your advice, and it worked so well. What board game can I adapt next?

Dear Mr. Berg,
Hungry Hungry Hippos. There'll be one deadly explosive in amongst all the marbles, which turns it into a lethal game where no hippo is safe. And there'll be a hot girl and some buff guy being the hippo minders.

Actually George Clooney had already made a movie about fruits (or is it vegetables) causing widespread harm to the world.... its called "Return Of The Killer Tomatoes". Its only a matter of time Hollywood remakes that. Brace yourselves people!!