Coworkers From Hell!

The Coworker from Hell--just about every company has one ... more if you're particularly unfortunate. They come in all shapes and sizes. The Diva. The Know-It-All. The Complainer. The Suck Up. The Bully. The Back Stabber. Whatever nightmarish shape your Coworker from Hell (CFH) may take (and sadly, some have more configurations than a Metamorphagus in the magical world of Harry Potter), they can wreak havoc not only on a workplace, but on your emotional and physical well-being by adding unnecessary stress to your life.

Unfortunately, I don't have a magic wand to give you that can transform these dreaded CFHs into pleasant, harmless, or wonderfully collaborative creatures. However, I can offer a few tricks you can keep up your sleeve that should help reduce your conflicts with these people and thereby reduce your stress in the workplace.

Trick #1 - Anticipate and be prepared.

If CFHs are anything, they're fairly predictable. Divas will be divas. Complainers will complain. Suck ups will ... well, you get the picture. Although you may not always be able to predict the exact details of each and every drama they'll create, you can probably predict the "theme." Use this to your advantage by anticipating the next conflict and being prepared with a response.

As Lifescript staff writer Jennifer Gruenemay writes about dealing with CFHs, "When you're unprepared, you're likely to react instinctively to your anger and annoyance with childish behavior that accomplishes nothing. This will only succeed in making a bad situation worse." Instead, Gruenemay suggests that you practice how you will respond before an inevitable encounter. You can do this by playing out the anticipated conflict in your mind, or by role-playing with a trusted friend. In fact, you should try out a few responses to see which one is most likely to effectively resolve the issue in the most efficient and rational manner possible.

Trick #2. Don't reinforce bad behavior.

CFHs are reinforced by the chaos they cause, and they're further fueled when you engage in it. Although it may be tempting to jump into the ring and throw a few of your own punches, resist. Not only will it bring you down to their level, the truth is that unless you're a CFH yourself, you're going to be badly outmatched in their kind of fighting anyway. Most CFHs can rise to heights that you would never dream of going--and shouldn't.

Instead, use psychological jujitsu. Don't react to the emotions CFHs bring to the situation or to the emotions they create in you. Doing so just gives them home court advantage. Instead, keep the interaction as short, as polite, and as rational as possible. If the conflict is over an opinion, don't get into a battle over who is right or wrong. Simply say something to the effect of "I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree," or if a decision must be made and there is a supervisor you can go to, you might want to say something like, "We can't seem to agree, so let's let Susan decide." When you bring a third party in, don't expect the decision to always come out in your favor, but whatever is decided, it will take you out of the line of fire (at least until the next drama arises).

Although it's hard to override the instinct to defend yourself when you're under attack, if you consistently respond succinctly and without emotion, the bad behavior will either get extinguished or the CFH will move on to someone who will play the game the way they like to play it.

Trick #3. Don't take it personally.

Sometimes, CFHs are the way they are because of unresolved personal issues, or because their social skills are underdeveloped, or because they're insecure and use provocation as a shield to protect themselves. This doesn't excuse the bad behavior, but it may explain it. So when CFHs begin to cause chaos, keep in mind that it's probably more about them than it is about you. Try not to take their actions personally, and whenever possible, try to find common ground, something that connects the two of you or helps you understand their motivations better. I'm not saying you should become best friends with your CFH; just try to find something that can help you civilly coexist in the workplace.

Let's practice.

Let's say your CFH has a habit of angrily or tearfully accusing you of being overly critical of her. Use this knowledge to practice how you will respond the next time this happens. Resist that immediate defensive reaction that makes you want to snap back with "That's not true!" or "You're crazy. I don't do that." Instead, in a soft, even tone, say something like, "I'm sorry you feel that way. What did I do to make you feel like I was being critical of you?"

What if the CFH responds by bringing up a long laundry list of perceived affronts from the past? Do everything you can to keep the conversation in the present. First, you can't change the past. And second, by letting the CFH go there, it will just prolong your contact without resolving anything. Instead, hold your CFH to the present by saying something like, "I can't change the past. But I'd like to know how you think I was critical just now, so that we can try to work this out and move on." Or "I've noticed that this same theme keeps coming up between us, so I'd like to just focus on the present and see if we can't figure out a way to work this out."

Asking for specific details does not mean you have to accept the claims as true or accurate (although there sometimes is a kernel of truth to a CFH's complaints - see "Before You Do Anything Drastic" on page 2 of this article). It simply puts the ball in her or his court to come up with specific instances rather than making wild and sweeping accusations, which is often their MO. The goal of communicating with a CFH is to get in and get out with as little drama and stress as possible.

What to avoid.

Although there isn't one "right" way to handle CFHs, there are some ways that are likely to make the situation worse rather than better. Here are a few tips to avoid escalation:

Avoid "you" statements ("You're not making any sense." "You are the one with the problem." "You need to suck it up and stop complaining about everything."). Instead, use "I" or "we" statements ("I don't understand what you're trying to say." "It seems like we have a problem." "How can we work this out?").

Avoid emotion. Keep your voice soft and your tone even. It's hard to maintain a high level of emotion when the person you're interacting with consistently maintains a calm, unemotional tone (although some of the best can do it - see discussion on page 2 about UCFHs).

Avoid sarcasm.

Avoid defensiveness.

Avoid engagement. If the anger, drama, or whatever craziness is going on doesn't subside, politely disengage. It's hard enough going against your instinct to not defend yourself when the attack first starts. The longer the attack lasts (especially when you're trying your best to diffuse it), the harder it will be to stay calm and unemotional. So if your best efforts don't diffuse the situation, say something like, "I'm having a hard time listening to [or understanding] what you're saying when you're [yelling, sobbing, glaring, etc.]. Maybe we can try to resolve this later when the emotions aren't so high." Then, walk away.

If these strategies aren't effective, try removing yourself from CFH situations as much as possible. For example, if you're involved in a discussion and your CFH walks up, politely excuse yourself. If coworkers are going to lunch and you find out the CFH is going, gracefully bow out. Whenever possible, choose assignments that the CFH is not involved in. And when you do have to interact, make it short and sweet. Remember, don't engage. Get in, get out, and move on. Save that energy for more productive challenges.

And then there are the Ultimate Coworkers from Hell ... If you get to a point where you've tried everything under the sun and the problem is not only not getting better, it's getting worse, you may be dealing with what I call the Ultimate Coworker from Hell. UCFHs often are personality disordered, which means they engage in dysfunctional and inflexible patterns of thoughts and behaviors that significantly interfere in their ability to maintain stable relationships both in and out of the workplace. These patterns are difficult to modify even with therapeutic intervention, which, for you, means that you're not likely to see any significant change in their behavior regardless of how you react or respond to it.

What to do in these kinds of extreme situations can be a tough call. The key, however, is to not let their dysfunction affect your quality of life. Ongoing and high levels of workplace stress can lead to a host of unpleasant consequences including burnout, depression, anxiety, and physical illness. So the question you need to ask yourself is if the day to day stress of having to deal with the UCFH is worth the stress and strain on your mind and body.

If the answer is no, consider your alternatives. Can you transfer to another department or location (or get the UCFH transferred)? If not, is there a boss or supervisor you can speak to frankly to let her or him respectfully know that it's either you or the UCFH, but someone has to go. Be prepared, however, if your boss says it's you. Stranger things have happened in workplace dramas. In fact, you may want to explore the job market and have something else lined up before you have this heart to heart with your boss, especially if you need a job to financially survive. You never know what kinds of deals with the devil some bosses get drawn into with these kinds of highly emotional and provocative workers.

But before you do anything drastic ... like quit or give your boss an ultimatum, you should first have a heart to heart with yourself and ask what's likely to be the toughest question of all, and that is, are you a completely innocent victim of a nightmare coworker, or are you contributing to the problem? Could you be presenting your own challenges in the workplace? High-achievers are usually superstar employees, but they can be particularly challenging to work with because of their own patterns and tendencies. For example, high-achievers are often perfectionists. They also tend to be a tad on the obsessive-compulsive side, they're often impatient, and they can be intolerant of mistakes (theirs and others). These aren't necessarily qualities that are easy to work with, so in CFH situations, it's important to ask yourself, "Am I doing anything that is contributing to the problem?"

If you want to have a little fun, here are two quizzes (completely unscientific, of course) developed to see how much of a CFH you are:

But if after all is said and done, you come to the realization that a CFH has been wreaking havoc on your health, happiness, and well-being, remember this: the only power that difficult, demanding, or even impossible coworkers have over you is the power you give them by your reaction to the pandemonium they create. You can take that power away by controlling how you react and respond to their workplace antics, and ultimately, in worse case scenarios, whether you are going to allow them to hijack your life (or at least the one you live 40 or more hours a week).

I really liked this advice because I've read other articles and books about "verbal self-defense" and dealing with bullies that seem to promote complicated verbal tactics and it just makes it more confusing. Your techniques are simple and can be used in most situations. Also, people tend to tell you to stand up for yourself all the time. But, that can often mean "fighting back." Which I never wanted to do. I was put down and bullied at 2 different jobs and subsequently had a nervous breakdown and couldn't work for over a year. What do you recommend when a co-worker is overtly aggressive and actually says rude things about how someone works and makes them feel totally incompetent? I would like to not engage, but from what Ive read, that can make things all the more worse with a bully situation.

Thank you for your comment. Workplace bullying can be challenging to effectively handle, but if bullied employees don't address it, it will likely continue. Unfortunately, that is the nature of a bully. Here are a few suggestions:

1) Keep a journal of each bullying incident with details of the time, place, comments that were made, witnesses, etc. This could be useful if/when you report the bullying to a supervisor, or if you or someone else at the company files a formal complaint or a lawsuit for a hostile work environment.

2) Speak to colleagues to see if they are being victimized by the same person. Bullies don't necessary target only one person; they target those who appear weak or vulnerable to them. A consistent and unified approach to the bullying may reduce or stop it from happening.

3) Find out if your company has policies and procedures in place that address workplace bullying and harrassment.

4) Although it may be hard for some people, have a direct conversation with the bully. Be calm, but firm. Tell him or her that you don't appreciate the way he or she has been treating you (be specific), that it makes you feel [fill in the blank], and that you want it to stop. This may cause the bullying to stop, but be aware that in some cases, it causes the bullying to escalate.

5) If the bullying escalates, continue to be firm and consistent each time the bullying occurs, and consider alternatives, such as reporting the bullying to a supervisor or filing a formal complaint. Use your journal as documentation of bullying incidents and ask any witnesses if they will corroborate what you're reporting.

Wonderful life tools as though to say , a life jacket , a inner tube to throw on when you need to put effort into what you want to work in your life . Be it with your Co-Workers, Family , and or Friends . At least it allows you time and steps to go forward and inside of just drowning in the obis that sometimes is around you . Often taking right down to the deepest part of where they might want or see life to be .Yet with this you have a way to stay afloat for a time to at least pause and do what you can for yourself and the other to find if you want to swim or even be in the same sea . Sometimes sharks are not always as mean as they look yet on the other hand they do have awfully big teeth. So be aware of what you need for yourself and then boundaries of how close you want this person less the shark to swim . It is to say , often we will meet or face those who will believe this world is for one rather for many . Sometimes all it may take , is for them to hear what you have to say or for you to just walk . You can not change a block or wood if it doesn't want to change into a book and be open to what this world is all about . You though have this in you to do for yourself .

There have been many books and articles that present strategies for dealing with difficult people. They all contain one flaw. You will never be able to change these difficult people.

You will not be able to get along, have better relations, etc., simply by having a few tricks.

If you are in a cage with a hungry tiger, what strategy shall you use?

There is one solution: If there is a jerk at work, send out resumes.

The usual response is, "Oh, wherever you go there will always be some jerk."

Wrong! I've worked at 18 companies and only three times ran into the manager / boss from hell.

I swear, I wish at 18 someone had just told me this: (1) Watch for the classic sign that you are working for a jerk, specifically, that at night you think about something they said and are upset, and think about "what you should have said," etc. If you go round and round, upset with the way you are treated, you are working for a jerk. (2) It's OK to give a person a second try, but if three different times you find yourself upset at home, thinking and thinking about the rude thing some boss said to you, THAT'S IT. So, (3) Get out now.

You will find that most places are reasonably pleasant as workplaces go, and most managers and bosses are reasonable people.

I regret working for one man for two and a half years. People came out of his office looking like they'd been bitten by a snake. As soon as i left, things were fine at the new job.

Psychology Today should not tolerate articles like this one, because they should be aware that the pop definition of a difficult boss is actually an attempt to describe the serious psychological impairment these people have.

There is NO dealing with these damaged people.

Hey, what about a wife with a husband who hits her? Should she stay and try to figure out how to deal with this difficult person?

Abuse is abuse, and that is the subject of this article. The strategies will not work because abusive people are damaged goods. They are sick.

Just get away fast. These people attempt to degrade you. The more worthless you feel, the more you think you cannot find a new job.

Sarah Palin is an idiot, but one of her phrases is apt here. Man Up. Whether you are a man or a woman, get some guts, send out resumes BEFORE you get fired, and find a new position.

If you live in a crime ridden neighborhood, don't be the fool who tries to get neighbors to start some sort of program. It's the neighborhood, stupid. Move.

If someone is abuse at work, realize they are not going for treatment to change, and you are not a mental health professional. Nothing is going to change, stupid.

I had a whole huge response somewhat detailing what I'm currently going through. I chose not to post it and just say this:

*I've learned that open bullying and irrational behavior is more widely accepted these days, than ever before. Sad, but true.

*There is defending oneself, but there is no changing certain behaviors with certain people. It's useless to try.

*Understanding what battles to fight (and what ones not to) is a fine art.

*One has to choose to come out of a bad situation being a better coworker, future supervisor, whatever. The experience will be defining and will not be all for not. It will have had a lasting effect and must only serve to make a person stronger and better. It has to. Sometimes it takes a bit to get to this mindset and that's OK.

*Seek your validation from nice people who treat you with respect, you deserve it.

*Don't let the bullies win by allowing them to get your head to a negative space for too long. Easier said than done, I realize.

* I can't heal the damaged people of the world, I can only own my own "stuff" and make sure I'm not mistreating other people.

*It's a tough journey to learn how to rise above. A lot is involved and it takes having a great support system outside of the situation to help weather it.

Just realize it doesn't have to be forever and, though it may take longer than desired, there is a way out.

real life isn't so ideal; get away. even in karate that's the goal, not prolonging the entanglement or making it easy to strike again. why feed the need to attack and put/keep yourself in a vulnerable, accessible position?

I agree with WRONG, July 20th post.
You can not reason with crazy. Currently dealing with a Ultimate Coworker From Hell. She has been crazy from the start. We have to email everything to her and cc: and ignore her completely. not even a smile or hello. If you are having a conversation with anyone in the office, make sure she is not around or can be heard; all this information will be twisted around and used against you. She is just an unhappy woman with no friends and a husband who ran out in the middle of night.
My advice is to ignore, email only, and don't show absolutely no emotions.

I've had a horrible situation at work today. There is a pregnant woman who works in a cubicle two seats down from me. She was talking to our team lead, who I might add, is her friend. Now, I'm okay with this; I'm happy they're friends, but when the pregnant coworker said how her husband or boyfriend was not wanting to decorate the baby room just yet, because apparently, there she is has a high risk pregancy, I accidentally said that I thought that they should plan on still decorating it, because, she is out of the first trimester, in which she stated that she was no longer at risk. She rudely, and I will state, rudely, said, "Excuse me, was I talking to you?". I was taken aback emotionally, and I stated, "Sorry, I thought you were talking to me." I was upset, because she kept going on and on so I went back to my seat and tried working. Now, my team lead did not say anything, which is fine, but this coworker has issues with her emotions. I'm not being cold, but I distanced myself, but I felt very embarrassed. I decided to leave work, and as of now, I probably don't have a job. In fact I started looking for one a week ago, because a lot of the people that tend to work with computers at this place, are a little too high-strung for me. I will probably be fired tomorrow for leaving, but I was upset because I felt she was in the wrong. I have never yelled at her, and I think she should apoligize. What sucks, in my opinion, is that no one stood up for me, so I guess I'm in the wrong. Whatever, I'm ready to move on. Oh, and by the way, when I was pregnant, I worked two jobs six days a week, with hardly any sleep, so, I just think she needs therapy. I'm not sorry for stating this, but I am not willing to work in a toxic environment.