Bambi-Kohler: Christmas by the scores

No, I’m not ready for Christmas. Please stop asking, even if it’s only small talk. It’s not friendly, it’s threatening.

Sometimes, especially around this time of year, I think, “(Expletive deleted), I’m an adult.”

Christmas as a kid is wonderful. You sit back and it just happens. Holiday parties! Days off of school! Visit with Santa!

Christmas as an adult is (expletive deleted, insert whiny voice) hard. Meals to cook, presents to buy, and relatives visiting that you really don’t want to see.

I’m not bah-humbugging away the month of December. Now I am more focused on the religious aspect of the holiday and savoring the presence of family and friends instead of actual presents.

My mother set a ridiculously high standard of preparing the home for the holidays and I couldn’t have asked for better childhood Christmas times. She still dominates all aspects of Christmas and keeps humble about the whole process.

“I don’t like answering these questions,” she says when I press her about her Christmas preparation. “Studying the list, checking it twice, that’s done over time. It can’t all be done at the very end.

“I outdid myself with the penguin last year. I can’t duplicate that,” she says, referring to the penguin she adopted for me at the Philadelphia zoo.

That’s the spirit, Mom. Since she is in the mood for some good-natured holiday ribbing, let us compare.

Christmas ListsMom: Requires it to be due — in writing — a month before Christmas.

Me: Send it in an email and include links if at all possible.

Advantage: Mom. I was writing Christmas lists in crayon well into my 20s. And she saves each one of them that my brother and I have written over the years.

DecorationsMom: A Byers Choice caroler village. A tree that dictates the theme of the décor for the rest of the house. Arrangements of fresh flowers, tasteful Santas, large gold candle holders. She toes the line between Liberace and Martha Stewart.

Me: A tree with white lights, never the multicolored. This year I went with an all gold balls motif with two goblets filled with red balls as decoration.

Advantage: Mom. No contest.

Storage

Mom: An attic that I teasingly refer to as her own personal North Pole.

Me: Two large red totes marked “Xmas stuff.’

Advantage: Tie. With a nod to my father, who is charged with bringing the things down from the attic and then carrying back up.

BakingMom: Russian tea balls, oatmeal raison whoopee pies.

Me: My best friend and I go on an all-night cookie-baking binge which consists of at least five different varieties. A lot of caffeine and good humor is involved in this endeavor. The result? Requests for seconds and suggestions to open our own bakery.

Advantage: Me. I have to win one category, and baking factory-like proportions of cookies gets me the “W.”

MealsMom: Stuffed olives, antipasto, at least five of the seven fishes, and a surprise side dish that is always amazing.

Advantage: Me. How many times can you really watch Bing Crosby tap dance with Danny Kaye?

Whether you are celebrating with a Charlie Brown tree and couple of pigs in a blanket or a feast of roast beast, I wish you Happy Holidays.

Katie Bambi Kohler is a Norristown native and a current resident of King of Prussia. Visit her blog at www.cheesesteakprincess.blogspot.com. Email kkohler1129@gmail.com, Follow on Twitter @chzstkprincess.