The Kweendom of Abstraction

Month: October 2012

One of my biggest issues with my own kind (meaning people of color who also happen to be of the female persuasion) …is that natural hair shit.

I’ve been natural for about 2 1/2 yrs. I did put a texturizer in a few weeks ago, but it looks like nothing happened. My hair is quite disrespectful!! LOL

Either way, My reasoning behind being natural stemmed more from these following things, than a movement of African pride:

~ When I DID relax my hair…it was 2 times a year…tops. That’s not good because it can cause breakage.~ I hated getting scabs from the burning sensation. I’m QUITE tender-headed and couldn’t take it.~ I wanted to see if I could get a varied sense of styling options (even though, my hair has been hard to tame. I’ve taken to co-washing, but the truth is…my hair never held many styles…even while relaxed.) I wanted to see what my hair texture was capable of.~ I don’t know if I’m developing arthritis or carpal tunnel…but, I just know it’s getting increasingly hard to comb all of my hair. I lose at least 20 minutes in the morning on a bad day behind the frustration.

I don’t NEED anyone to tell me how relaxers affect the brain and blood (do research on why it is doctors suggest pregnant women don’t relax their hair during pregnancy.) I don’t need anyone to remind me of my heritage.

S/N: What the hell does that mean ANYWAY? I mean…if I chose my mom as my “hair model” rather than a white woman…my hair would still be “good” O_O because my mom is mixed. So…it’s ignorant to decide for the entire race that Black hair is assumed to be happily nappy. We have all kinds of genes swirling in our DNA pools and therefore, no one can determine what trait a child will come out with nor what grade of hair they’ll have.

Anyway…I’m tired of all of the harping on how one who decides to relax, straighten, etc…is “giving up” on her natural self. I don’t think the two are mutually exclusive. I know some loc’d and afro’ed folks who could take a lesson in our cultural history. I some “naturalistas” who don’t date within their own race and prefer to date non-black men. Wouldn’t someone who puts such stock in her natural hair and heritage want to marry and procreate with someone who shares her skin color and kinky hair? Right…go ahead, think on that…

How does someone feel they have a right to police my hair? Women get up in arms about anyone being up in their uterus! Don’t police my babies! Don’t police what violates my body! Don’t police my weight! Don’t police my skin color!! These are all of the things that women all over have a tendency to feel passionate about…yet, a lot of the same [Black] women feel the right to tell another sista about how natural she ISN’T, how Black she AIN’T, how weak she IS…just because she chooses to wear weaves, relax or flat-iron her hair…or GOD FORBID…shave it off.

btw…why ISN’T it as a big a deal to women to see a Black sista with a bald head or a low cut, yet they get up in arms about the processing of hair? Couldn’t someone assume that a person who never allows their own hair to grow past a certain length ..or at all…may have some kind of aversion to her own hair texture? Translation: Self-Hate/Hair Hate?

Right…think on that one, too. Get back to me when that makes sense. I hate to blog this shit again, but it’s just THAT much of a pain in my ass…quit it already.

In the meantime…if I decided to wear a fro or a bone-straight style…I’m still a beautiful woman of color. Proud of who she is…but, not allowing ANY one to define her.

Let me begin this by saying…I am a super-private person. I don’t like living my life’s ups and downs in front of a crowded stadium of the cyber-audience known as the Internet. I believe that your business is yours and you should be careful with whom you share your problems with. True enough, speaking on your issues can help someone else, but everything doesn’t have to be a wide open, spread-eagle, free-for-all of your most intimate moments. Having said that…I have to write this. If for no other reason, then to get through it and over it.

My father and I have struggled for years. I’m an immovable Capricorn and he’s a brash and bull-dozing Taurus. He and I, since the beginning of my adolescence…have had a back and forth, biting rapport. He had a tendency to say mean things…or at least I felt that way about it.

Though he is sober now…probably going on 16 or so years…he was an addict all of my childhood and adolescence. I know of the coke, the crack and the alcohol…I suspect heroine as well. I know that his relationship with my mother was tumultuous. I know a lot of things. Some…I wish I didn’t.

It doesn’t change the fact that now…even in his sober mind…he’s not changed a whole lot. I suppose with anything (including addictions), that learned behavior is hard to break. The longer you practice, the better at it you become. Well, my father was a selfish addict. Now…he’s just selfish.

My grandmother, his mother passed away in 2010. She was my heart. Loved that lady. With her gone…I see how she was the buffer. She was the go-between. I knew that…but, now I REALLY know that. Whenever I needed anything, I’d ask her and she’d ask him. Asking HIM was surely a way to have my needs forgotten. Constant reminding would become my job and eventually I’d get exasperated by the chase of him, rescinding my request. Surely, his plan…or at least his pleasure. Hell, I’m sure that a LOT of times my grandmother gave me money in his name so I wouldn’t feel some kinda way.

Either way…nothing has changed.

When my grandmother died, he of course became power of attorney for her affairs. In spite of the fact that my grandmother gave her policy to my aunt, it was my father who was able to cash it. All of a sudden my father needed to replace his 2 year old car with a new model and his not-THAT-old laptop as well. I don’t recall him asking my sister and I if there was anything we needed. He didn’t even offer my aunt anything, even though it was SHE my grandmother trusted to hold onto it. Luckily for him…I don’t feel the need to “profit” from my grandmother’s death. His forgetting us is just a reminder that in the thick of a time when we needed each other the most, he fell back into old habits and thought of no one but himself. That includes, making it very clear that his girlfriend (with her needy, manipulative ass) came first.

The GOOD thing here? I’ve never really asked him for much of anything. I surely don’t EXPECT him to do shit. I just observe the way he does family business and I’m confident that my stance is a smart one. Offering distant love.

In all of the years of his substance abuse, I’ve never taken jabs at him about what he didn’t do for me. I feel it’s futile to exhume past bones I buried in my 20’s. What gets me and at times makes the balls of my feet itch, is to have someone want father accolades and kudos with his chest stuck out proudly…when he’s done not a thing to garner that, except seed us. Half of what he DID do, he did seemingly, under duress of my grandmother’s influence and insistence.

The drugs, the alcohol, the streets, his friends and his girlfriends were always his priority. He even told a story at his one year sobriety anniversary about how he’d taken me on runs. A baby…barely 2…sitting in the back of a Buick Riviera, as he hit drug spots in Harlem. *that explained the deja vu I felt as a child riding through certain areas on my way to a class outing* I cringed at his confession…I cried. I felt abandoned, even though I was with him. Does that sound weird?

Anyway. Here we are…in 2012…and I refuse to go along for the ride anymore. I refuse to sit in the back and coo lovingly…blindly at a father who refuses to look back, see his child and stop his shit.

I suppose eventually…or at some point in the past…we’ve all had a hypocritical moment. You know what I’m saying. You say one thing or do another…or worse. You judge someone for something you’re doing or have done…with a straight face.

Hypocrisy is one of my biggest pet peeves next to lying…probably because it IS a form of lying, It’s unbecoming to present a face that has two sides…a tongue that is forked and a mind with dubious intentions.

Daily, folks present Christianity when most of what they say and do has nothing to do with God. I know folks who will go to church as long as the doors are open and yet still are rotten to the core. Folks who’ll treat their own family like shit and then turn around and be “charitable” to the church’s family. I thought it began at home?

…yet, those are the very ones who respect nothing. Love with convenience and condition. Support only themselves and whom support them. Embrace only those who benefit them. Tolerate nothing…give little. Yet…want to be heralded as a child of God and a friend and lover of people. Boo! Boo, I say!

How do parents form such resentment for children that have done nothing but be good children and have brought them very few if any sorrows? How do they feel that even in their child’s adult life, they have the rights to belittle them, undermine their lives, disrespect their choices and give guilt trips? I can’t ever and won’t ever understand how selfishness is lauded while generosity is punished. I can’t get how a person wants to be honored as the parent but has no consideration for the child. They speak to the world like loving parents and hiss at their progeny in private. Ugh.

Folks want you to, be accountable for your actions in hurting THEM, but have no memory of ever wronging YOU. Apologize, but no apology returned.

Check on me, see how I’m doing, give me love? Yet, where are your thoughts of kindness? Where’s your show of concern?

Blah…

I don’t like people right now. I can do without speaking to people for a LONG ass time. Reason being, I don’t have the patience anymore in my near 40 year old life to show people how to be. Some shit should be inherent…especially if you demand a certain level of behavior.

Take the words out of the corners of your mouth and speak forwardly and deliberately with a kind tongue and thoughtful mind. Stay true to yourself and be kind to yourself, but remember…self-love isn’t just about YOU. It’s about drawing to you the kind of people you desire to share your energy with. So being true to YOU…is ALSO…being true to others.

No punch, kick or slap hurts as much as feeling like nothing you do is good enough. Feeling like everything you do is wrong. Going from accountability for self to taking the blame for your abuser’s actions. Feeling like you DESERVE this treatment. Having someone tell you repeatedly with words, actions and coldness how it is YOU that is the problem and how lucky you are that they even love you. Feeling that this is all you’re ever going to get, because for some reason, when God made you…He skipped over you while doling out blessings.

Firstly, God’s will has always and will always supersede ours. We’re going where He’s taking us whether we get there in a straight line or a bundled scribble of deterred highways. What He’s given us…is free will. So, we’re in a situation sometimes longer than we need to be out of a number of reasons that stem from the biggest demon of them all…fear.

So, we need to remember that even though at times it feels like God has forgotten us…it is WE who have forgotten ourselves. We’ve forgotten that we’re born with the power to do many things and when we allow others to render us powerless it is by all means…a choice. Yes. Sounds harsh, maybe?

There are many times a day, while in a situation that we’re given an either/or. A yes/no. A live or die. I lived in an abusive relationship for almost 9 years…and I can recall SO many times when I had an opportunity to leave him. I had moments when I can remember making the better decision to be still and pray rather than argue and “prove” that I wasn’t weak to him. We hear those voices in our heads all of the time and sometimes they’re loud and sometimes they whisper, but they very rarely cease. The best that we can hope for is to be able to discern which voices are right and which ones are wrong. Normally, the voice telling you that you aren’t good enough…is a stone cold liar. Believe that voice and you might as well curl up and die, for you are no more earthly good when you’ve allowed anyone to convince you so cleverly that you’re nothing. What’s more? To convince you to convince YOURSELF, that you’re nothing.

WHY we endure these kinds of abusive relationships…whether it be friendships, familial, spousal/love or societal…has everything to do with us as much as the abuser. How we can release ourselves has everything to do with empowering ourselves with knowledge of what abuse is and understanding our own value and self-worth.

If you haven’t guessed it…(as predicted by some of my friends) …I’m back.

I WOULD start getting inspiration to blog as SOON as I decided to shut it down. *SMH* I didn’t think I’d get inspired so soon, but so much has been happening around me that I seriously kept thinking, “This is a blog…”

So, here I am. Perhaps if I get that feeling again, I’ll just leave it be.

Why is that though? Why is it that women PERIOD seem so easily pushed to turn on one another. It doesn’t take much at all. The moment a woman leaves the room, something negative is uttered. A woman sees a confident woman doing what makes HER happy…out comes the claws.

I’ve never seen such meanness. I see so much side-eyeing, side-swiping, side-talking on a daily basis. In my Facebook feed, my Twitter timeline, my tumblr dashboard, my office, the store, reality TV…GEEZ la-fuggin-WEEZ!

I can’t even say it’s all about men, either. I’ve seen chicks hate each other for simple looks. “She thinks she’s this…” …whether that be her thinking she’s cute, smart, sexy, whatever…I see it.

WHY can’t a woman just look at another woman who is doing her thing and quite possibly succeeding at it…and give her kudos? And MEAN it? Why is it so hard for women to be honest with each other?

Has society pitted us against each other with it’s views of beauty and worthiness? Have we been indoctrinated over the years with superficial peeves about each other? Hair, clothes, weight, skin color…MEN? Yes, SOME of the issues are about men and the attention level one may get over the other.

If I see a woman doing something productive, making her life count for something and being a positive force…I can’t hate her. I love her grind. I love her determination and if I’m not doing what I feel I should be doing, I pray that she’ll inspire me. No, everyone doesn’t have to be inspired Hell…if you seriously have a reason to dislike or hate…then do you, but why must that be the only thing you have to offer? If I don’t like someone, I just don’t deal. I don’t care if she’s the average Jane or if she’s a celebrity. I seriously don’t like much of Nicki Minaj’s works. Rather than [at any given opportunity] go in on how good she’s NOT…I just don’t listen to her music. I don’t entertain her interviews. There’s no need for me to hold a hate campaign against her. If anything…I respect her carving out a place in the industry for herself.

I refuse to succumb to the title of a “crab in a barrel” by hissing in her direction or any OTHER female I may not care for. It’s not to say you can’t have an opinion, Ladies…but, why does it HAVE to include a hateful lambasting of “that bitch” that you PROBABLY don’t even KNOW well enough to have an opinion on? How do you arrive at a conclusion about any person you’ve never held a conversation with? That to me is a problem and it’s a seemingly BIGGER problem among my very own people. Yes, Black women…I’ve seen some HATEFUL ass comments about each other online. No sense of respect, boundary or basic loyalty to a caste of people who severely need to be unified. Nope…just crazy, insane, nonsensical hate and bitterness toward one another.

This HAS to stop!!

…but, HOW? Where does it begin? Does it begin with saying nice things in lieu of judgments? Does it come with changing the way you speak to people (changing the attitude and being less offensive/defensive)? Where do we begin? How do we pass on love, respect, peace and a sense of community love in place of hate, disdain, envy and division?

I don’t know. For ME, it’s checking mySELF. I rarely have a catty thought anymore. I used to have one from time to time, but those are far and few between. Nowadays, if I find myself rolling my eyes at you…I’ve truly come to that feeling by way of observing you or getting to know you…and even THEN, I don’t feel strongly enough to talk badly about you or wish you ill. Even when people have left my circle…I still send love their way. Why do anything else? Does it benefit ME to be a bitch and be a self-proclaimed warning signal that says, “I’M A BAD BITCH…BEWARE!”? Sure doesn’t. I refuse to sully my overall energy with that kind of negative brashness.

Please ladies…PLEASE consider how you speak. How you perceive each other. How you treat each other. Women are beautiful in so many ways and we must celebrate that in each other daily. Anything else is a crime.

Yet, I sometimes feel reluctant to even place a comment on the page. So many people seem to make negative commenting and rabble-rousing a damn full-time job. It’s unbelievable the time people put into debunking celebrities lives, refuting others’ opinions and making an otherwise positive post a hot spot for hate and bitterness.

I can imagine folks posting up on blogs…hitting refresh WAITING with excited pleasure to see if someone has replied to their fuckery.

There’s something seriously wrong with a person/people, when they can’t have a positive discussion EVER and…AND…STAY ON TOPIC!

For instance, If there’s a post about single mothers who work…it’ll turn into an argument about hating men because they leave them single. Well, it may be relevant on a whole, but that doesn’t have anything to do with discussing single moms, their jobs and how they manage.

Another instance…Solange releases a new video. Here comes the folks saying how she’s better than Beyonce, which leads to how Beyonce has purposely tried to keep Solange down…to how Beyonce’s baby is Solange’s and finally…Blue Ivy is a doll. O_O

Chile…What’s WRONG with folks?

I just saw a post on Clutch, about the rate of young Black men graduating from college and some chick turned it into how women need to focus on themselves and forget about men because they don’t care about US. How we show concern for men on a women’s blog. The fact that the post was geared toward Black TEENS who are still being cared for by parents…NAMELY, WOMEN…mattered not. She continued to spew her ridiculous ideology until the comments were closed on that post.

It’s not that I don’t think people should voice their opinions. I just wish more of us did it with tact, respect and learned how to stop speaking when it’s no longer effective or respected. To continue on and on in an attempt to convince someone your opinion is fact, looks like the sign of a psycho. That’s not too far-fetched either, since the Internet is a hotbed for undercover unbalanced folk.

For the love of all that’s digital…please know when to log off. Everything thought doesn’t need articulating.