My wrong approach with my painful past

As a normal human being, when things didn’t go my way, when my feelings were hurt, I shoved painful memories into the back of my mind. And I tried to forget about them in the hope that one day it would be totally forgotten.

But it is impossible.

I could never truly let go of my past if I never dared to face it.

I learned that lesson the hard way.

It was after hours and hours of meditation, keeping a gratitude journal and practicing mindfulness that my past came back from the grave and haunted me.

I thought I was calm and peaceful, but in fact, I still dwelled in the past. My nightmare was the obvious answer.

As I become more and more aware of my own feelings, I finally have the courage to face them.

Closure of my past memories

Stop pretending that everything is ok and you are cool with your past.

There is no right or wrong when it comes to feeling. Because the heart never justifies.

I am a logical person. I know my past hurts and there is nothing I can do today to alter my past. I tried to reason with myself. I know the many reasons to stop dwelling on the past.

All the reasons are very convincing and I shouldn’t even feel anything when it comes to painful memories.

But there is one problem with it. That’s not how the heart works.

I still remember. I still feel. I still hurt.

But instead of trying to ignore my feelings, I let myself free to feel this time. Feel whatever my mind wants to feel. Even if it brings me pain, even if it brings m chaos, it is the most crucial step to truly let go.

Acknowledge how past memories affect you

We are protective creatures. That’s how we are wired to survive. And because of it, we tend to react in a way that guarantees our safety.

But this backfires on us in most cases.

My feelings were hurt because of my dad. And I found myself withdrawing from any conversations that involved him. I tried to stay as far away as possible from him, and avoid talking to him to the most possible extent.

In fact, I am the one that creates the heavy atmosphere in my family without awareness. I am the one that keeps lingering in the conflict and never lets go. Because of it, I tend to catch everyone else’s action to convince myself that the tension in my family is still there.

Accept that you cannot change the past, but you can change how you view it

I wrote down on a piece of paper how much my painful past hurts me and how it negatively impacts my life. I don’t have the power to undo it, but I have the power to stop getting hurt because of it, and I can choose to let it go.

Affirm to yourself that you are able to forgive people and forgive yourself, and you are easing the scars your past has left you.

Engage with your past memories in a healthy way

Once you allow yourself to feel how you truly feel and recognize how you react, it’s time to engage with your past to slowly ease your pain. It means that you stop reacting the same way when it comes to something similar to your past.

I used to withdraw from places that involved my father, leaving the conflict hanging and even more noticable.

Now I tell myself that the awkward situation was my creation, and that I have full control to choose to keep engaging with my family without causing any conflict. I gradually started to believe myself and I stop running away from conversations and places that involve my father.

Here are two of the tools I use:

1. Meditation is the most powerful tool to connect with your inner-self and to realize your own emotions. It helps us to calm our chaos, open up our feelings and reduce negative self-talk.

I didn’t know I was still dwelling in the past until after hours and hours of meditation, after my connection with my inner-self reached to the higher level that she started to let me know how I truly felt.

2. Self-affirmation. This is the hard truth: there is no magic method that you can do to let go of your past. It can be done but it requires hard work, attention, and repetition. And you can make yourself believe in it through repetition.

I now affirm that I acknowledge my painful past and I am willing to let it go.