Email Me, Bro

The Formula to Get My Butt in Gear

Disclosure: I have partnered with Life of Dad and Boudreaux’s Butt Paste® for this campaign, but my opinions are my own.

A couple months ago I wrote an article where I asked the semi-rhetorical question “am I still a runner?” A friend of mine ignored the fact that I didn’t really want my question answered with an obvious “no you’re not a runner if you don’t run.” But I was running. Sort of. I mean, sometimes. Okay, not nearly enough. I just couldn’t get my butt in gear.

Since then, I’ve somehow managed to decrease my time on the road. And, by the way, I have not been making those miles up by pumping iron and getting huge. Whenever I go to the gym I have to double check that I still remember the combination to my lock. The guy at the front desk greets me like an old college pal, “long time no see, buddy!” I just don’t have the motivation to exercise. I can’t seem to get moving. I really just need someone or something to give me a nice hard kick in the butt.

Oh, hey! Speaking of butts–and silky smooth segues that will make you say “ahhhh”–I’m currently working with Boudreaux’s Butt Paste®! If you’re a parent, you know all about the Butt Paste. It’s thick, creamy and works like magic on poor little diaper-rashed tushes. Boudreaux’s® somehow made this beautiful goop even stronger, with a Maximum Strength formula that has twice the amount of Zinc Oxide (aka “the good stuff”) than the Original. That’s great and all, but it doesn’t really help me with my problem.

That is a butt load of Butt Paste®.

I want Boudreaux’s® to make ME stronger.

I want to be Maximum Strength Dave. Or, at least, Run a Few Miles Without Wheezing Dave. Maybe Run My Old Marathon Pace for Literally Any Distance Dave. At the gym, I’d like to be Able to Do Ten Real Pullups Dave. Anything would be an improvement on the current Dave formula, really.

I remember how well Butt Paste® worked for both of my children. Rashes–POOF–disappeared. I don’t know exactly why I’m not motivated these days. I need my lethargy to disappear. Wouldn’t it be great if I could apply a little to my feet to make me run faster and more often? Or I could put some on my arms to give me the strength and the will to lift weights. I could even smear some on my gut to get rid of my pony keg and replace it with a six pack. Back in the day, the relief on my babies’ bottoms was instantaneous. They would stop screaming and let out an audible “ahhh” as soon as I put that stuff on their tiny red bums. That’s the kind of change I want. Come on Boudreaux’s®, work your magic!

Unfortunately, physical fitness doesn’t come in a jar. You can’t just slather bottled motivation on your butt to get in gear. I have to actually get out there and DO. My hope is that this second article (it’s almost becoming a series!) about how I’m not doing enough will force me to hold myself accountable. It’s sort of like externally internal motivation. If I keep putting it out there, eventually I have to actually act on it. Right? That’s the theory, anyway.

As long as I’m talking about it, I think I’ll go for a run right now.

I’m just so tired. And there are things to do around the house…NO. I’m going to down a quick cup of coffee and take care of that other stuff later. I’m going to apply some proverbial Butt Paste® to this situation and make it better. I’m doing this.

Ahhh…that does feel better.

Sort of. I’m tired and in pain. I think I need some Butt Paste®.

If you’re ready to start #KickingRash and playing games follow @ButtPaste on Twitter.