Pages

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

DWTS: Week 3 - See Ya Margaret Cho Cho!

The obvious next co-host of The View

Margaret Cho had to see it coming. She was a lousy dancer, is a marginally funny comedian and did not break down and cry; the only foolproof way to ensure yourself another week on Dancing With The Stars (see Henderson, Florence).

But before we say goodbye to her, let's look at some of the other highlights from week 3:

Brooke Burke's breasts: I still can't tell whether or not Brooke Burke has fake titties. This is a testament to her ex-husband Garth Fisher, who also happens to be a plastic surgeon, leading me to the conclusion that typing this entire paragraph was a complete waste of my time and yours.

Brooke Burke before (nice fire-pit)

Speaking of titties, Rick Fox was flashing his B cups! Now I'm not here to knock Rick Fox, but this is certainly not the 26 year-old, chiseled Foxy who bedded Vanessa Williams and nicknamed his abs, "The Foxuation." I mean, the guy is 41 years old, which is a full 11 years after a man's eyebrows start to sprout ridiculously out of control. I know this because the last girl who cut my hair told me that a man's eyebrows go bonkers at 30. I also know that if some lady ripped my shirt off on Dancing With The Stars, I'm pretty sure that America's eyes would start bleeding.

Flo-Ho broke out the water works and ensured herself another week in the spotlight. A 74-year-old woman crying on DWTS is not surprising, but the fact that Flo-Ho played her dead husband card this early certainly was. I guess she was feeling desperate. Well, I bought it and even got goosebumps during her waltz with Corky (it was sort of romantic in that I'm 74 years old, my husband is dead and I'm dancing with a dude named Corky kind of way).

Corky meanwhile has perfected the 11 o'clock, planetarium neck-tilt, that all ballroom dancers seem to think looks good. I don't get this move! You're performing this lovely dance, gliding along the dance floor and instead of making Don Draper-like eye-contact, these guys are staring off at The Big Dipper! Makes no sense.

Brooke Burke after

"Movie-star, Jennifer Grey": This makes even less sense. Can't they just say, "from Dirty Dancing!" or "Ferris Bueller's older sister!"? Meanwhile, movie-star Jennifer Grey definitely wants to sleep with her partner. Did you notice how their little crush-for-older-teacher skit was HER idea? Although, I must admit that when she used her foot to lift up Derek's chin, this was undoubtedly the most erotic moment in ABC television history (narrowly beating out the time that Bruce Willis nailed Cybil Sheps on his desk on Moonlighting).

For the record, I have no idea if Bruce Willis ever actually had sex with Cybill Shepherd on Moonlighting; it seemed like they were always playing cat and mouse, a game that apparently Jennifer Grey has forgotten how to play with every Hollywood producer over the last twenty years.

Kurt Warner's tea party was absolutely adorable. And yes, I just used the word "adorable." Carrie Anne Anoblo!

I mean, there's no way that Bruce Willis did not have sex with Cybill Shepherd at some point, right?This Situation's partner is now calling him "Sitch": which can only mean that he's that much closer to going Bruce Willis on her.

Bristol Palin meanwhile danced like a zombie. Here are my wife's thoughts on Bristol the Pistol:

Bristol Palin's lack of emotion is sort of terrifying. I vacillate between thinking that she is cold and dead inside, and not capable of emotion - which I, of course, blame on her uber-republican upbringing - and feeling bad for her. Maybe she's just a normal person, as opposed to all these celebrity types who ARE actually cold and dead inside (excluding Margaret Cho who I love unconditionally), but can conjure up looks of pure rapture and passion on command. Maybe Bristol is a normal, human teenager, thrust into the public spotlight, trying to raise a child, a make her way out from under the stifling mantle that is her mother's fame/infamy. For now, I guess I hope she stays on DWTS so we can see her come into her own a bit.

Rick Fox at age 41

Personally, I'd like to see her get impregnated by Corky's son.

Maraget Cho was a snooze: I don't understand how my wife loves Margaret. She (along with the chubby, black, Nickelodeon kid star) were the two contestants who allowed me to get up and make a sandwich during the show. Cho Cho brought nothing to the table, never had a tea party with her children and had zero potential of ever getting it on with Louis. Bouncing her from the show just gave me eight more minutes of Monday Night Football watching every week.

Prediction for next week: I'm really not sure what else Flo-Ho can do to stay alive. Although, if The Pistol dances like a dead Patrick Swayze again next week, she could be packing her bags too. I'm guessing that next Monday we'll see The Pistol putting her baby into a car seat and cleaning up his barf, thus tugging at the heart strings of America and keeping her around. Flo-Ho's dead husband has no barf to clean up and so, she will be gone!