Monday, June 06, 2005

Join Millions Around the Globe!! This is Jack Van Impe Presents!! (aired May 14)

In case you didn't know, Dr. Jack Van Impe (pronounced "Impey") and his wife Rexella have a weekly tv show where they discuss important relevant global issues and then tell you where in the bible it says that it's a sign that Jesus is coming. And that you're going to hell.

1:00 – Jack has lost 60 pounds!! No more Snickers, no more Lays. He was torn between two bible passages: Proverbs 23:2 which says, “Put a knife to throat if thou be a man given to appetite” and Proverbs 11:25 which says “the liberal soul shall be made fat.” I have an idea, why not use the passage that says, “don’t take what the bible says so literally, you fat piece of shit”??

Well regardless, Jack says that because Jesus is coming he wanted to lose the weight because he didn’t want old Jesus to have to carry him up with a crane. Ha! Take that all you fat people, Jesus isn’t a crane operator, so lay off the donuts!

We also find out that Jack and Rexella never procreated. Hmmm, why doesn't that surprise me?? If they did though, I imagine it would look a little something like this.

Anyways, the website is down, so I can’t watch the rest. You should watch though next week, it’s getting pretty close to Jesus time! He’s coming!