Matt’s Monday Night RAW Recap – 1/26/2015

We
get clips from the Royal Rumble which oddly becomes an intense montage of several weather channels reporting #BLIZZARD2015 like it’s the fucking apocalypse. The mood is driven home with
rock guitar riffs and slow-mo shots of snow shooting down at cars and
trees. Vince is probably already trying to find out how he can book the
Blizzard in a Triple Threat Match.

And it’s a SNOW DAY(!!!) LIVE(!!!) from WWE Headquarters in Stamford, Connecticut!!!

Michael Cole, Booker T, and JBL are your hosts for whatever the hell this is supposed to be tonight.

TONIGHT:

Fuck you. We’re gonna see the Royal Rumble match in its entirety. Also, you’ll get to see the big title match in its entirety as well. So, this is a night of passive aggressive bliss.

Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman are here for an interview.

Cole
gives us a shot of WWE Headquarters and takes us to the roof where JBL
gives us a weather report: it’s really, really freezing goddamn balls
cold.
And, with that, we cut to the World Title Match. You’ve seen it already and I’m not recapping it. It was great. Let’s move on.

Cole plugs the Rumble Replay tonight.

TONIGHT:

Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins are interviewing.

THIS THURSDAY ON SMACKDOWN: Daniel Bryan vs. Kane (again) in a Casket Match. The Undertaker totally won’t make an appearance.

COLE INTERVIEWS SETH ROLLINS
Michael
Cole has an interview with Seth Rollins. Rollins says that his
performance speaks to the fact that he deserved to be in the match. Cole
shits on him further and reminds Rollins that nothing he did seemed to
stop Lesnar. Cole doubles down and says that he couldn’t even beat Cena
with his Corkscrew Splash (which Rollins calls “The Phoenix Splash”,
thank you very much) and Rollins says that he thought that was it, too.
Rollins says that he might have underestimated Lesnar but that goes both
ways. He still has the MITB contract and that’s Plan B. Cole tells
Rollins that Lesnar is next up. Rollins says he ain’t leaving.

COLE INTERVIEWS BROCK LESNAR & PAUL HEYMAN
After
a break, Lesnar shows up. He wants his chair. Rollins gets up, then
knocks the chair down. That’ll show ’em. Lesnar just laughs him off,
sits down and says that somebody seems upset. Cole asks about his
health. Lesnar says he’ll get through his injuries like he always has.
Heyman says that Lesnar will always be around to take care of business
as long as he’s paid what he’s worth. It doesn’t matter if that business
is Sting or the Undertaker. Cole reminds Lesnar that he was the guy who
ended The Undertaker’s “Streak”. Cole gives us clips of this to “remind
everyone”. Cole asks Lesnar how he overcame The Undertaker. Lesnar says
that’s what he does: overcomes. Just like John Ce–um, no,
wait…Heyman asks Cole why he’s surprised by what Lesnar was able to
do. Cole says he meant no disrespect. Cole says that Lesnar has to face
Roman Reigns now. Lesnar says he’s ready. He’s on a roll, baby. Heyman
says that Reigns can’t beat Lesnar. Cole says Reigns will be here later.
Lesnar: “Good…I have to meet this guy…”

And we are back LIVE at the WWE Snowday Slumber Party of Doom where the Men’s Wearhouse sits around, talking about boys.

Cole
would like to show us the ENTIRE RUMBLE MATCH…Tivo…do your
stuff…and I’m caught up on my DVR. Sitting through the last of this
thing, I’m impressed: WWE kept the original audio and didn’t dub in
cheering. I also like how Triple H appeared at the end like a Monday
Morning QB.

TONIGHT: Sad Daniel Bryan will be interviewed.

NEXT: Roman Reigns in an interview.

We’re back at WWE BlizzardPalooza Electric Boogaloo.INTERVIEW WITH ROMAN REIGNS
Reigns
isn’t good enough to get Michael Cole or intense lighting. Instead, he
gets a deep blue and Byron Saxton. He says he had to start at the deep
end. Reigns says you can boo or cheer him since that worked SO well for
Batista. Reigns says he was grateful to be helped by family last night.
He looks forward to meeting Lesnar.

NEXT: John Cena’s opponent at Not Elimination Chamber For Some Reason will be revealed.

LAST NIGHT: Cena and Rusev got into a shoving match following the Rumble,

AT FASTLANE: Cena faces Rusev. Yaaaay.

LAST MONDAY: THEVIGILANTESTING pointed at Seth Rollins, draining all his energy like an Ultra Combo in Killer Instinct.

AT FASTLANE: Triple H wants to talk to Sting. What’s the matter with the phone?

Back at the WWE SnowCenter, we learn about the Celeb Inductee into the 2015 WWE Hall of Fame:

Arnold
Schwarzenegger. This gives us a montage, leading up WWE Superstars
imitating him. Capped off by Ryback’s instant classic: I’ll be
back…RY-back.

Dean Ambrose has braved the Blizzard. And he’s at WWE HQ.

NEXT: Daniel Bryan interviewed.

When
we come back, Dean Ambrose is trying to raise the thermostat. WWE must
be out of their financial hole. Ambrose rants about how he made it
through the snow and sleet to get here. He did it to make a point: it’s
like the Road to WrestleMania.INTERVIEW WITH DANIEL BRYAN
Renee
Young has the honors. He says that he let down the fans when he was
stripped of the title. He says that he worked hard to return. Young gets
to the meat of this: Bryan was eliminated early and Bryan says he
didn’t take advantage of the situation like he should have. He says that
the Casket Match on Smackdown favors Kane but that he’ll be ready.NEXT: Roman Reigns meets Brock Lesnar on SMACKDOWN!!! According to Renee, that is. It’s on RAW. And it’s next.

BROCK AND REIGNS MEET
Heyman
congratulates Reigns before we begin the interview. He says he wants to
ask the questions. He says he’s known Reigns’ family long before Reigns
was born. He recounts all the amazing things his family has
accomplished. He says that The Rock faced reality when he faced Lesnar
and lost the title. That was it. Rock never faced Lesnar again. He says
that Reigns gets to fight Lesnar now. He wonders how Reigns will handle
disappointing his family when he loses to Lesnar. Heyman says he will
never beat Lesnar at all. Reigns says he’ll give his answer to Brock
Lesnar. Reigns tells Lesnar he knows who and what he is and he knows
what he signed up for. He says that Lesnar has no idea what he’s signed
up for. He’s gonna take his title at WrestleMania. If he can’t, he’s
gonna take a piece of Lesnar with him. Lesnar bolts up and gets into
Reigns’ face. He puts his hand out. Reigns shakes it. Lesnar says that,
unlike Heyman, he doesn’t respect Reigns. Reigns: “But you will.”
Cole, Booker and JBL are impressed. We get a shot of the blizzard as we go off the air.

OVERALL: Was what it was. It didn’t help that viewers had to sit through the entire Royal Rumble…WITH COMMERCIALS…but, I did like the Reigns/Lesnar
confrontation, which did a pretty good job selling a match that none of
us are impressed with.