In honor of the season where people trot out the same “‘Baby, It’s Cold Outside’ is ‘rapey’ (important concept, stupid word) insights that we’ve been hearing for years (every version I’ve heard gives me much more of a coy/playing hard to get/reputation-concerned feeling), we bring you #TriggerWarningChristmasCarols

“‘Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer’ is about affirmative action. Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer – elder abuse. And ‘White Christmas is obviously racist.'”

“‘All I Want for Christmas is You’ – stalking.”
“Yeah, it feels like sexual harassment. Imagine how you’d feel if someone was saying that to you.”

“I’ve been trying to think of one for ‘Frosty the Snowman’.”
“It exposes children to the concept of death. Think about how traumatizing it was when Mr. Hooper died on ‘Sesame Street’. Or ‘Puff the Magic Dragon’, which isn’t about death, but you think it is.”
I thought it was about drugs.”

“Santa Baby – capitalism.”

“Deck the Halls should come with a trigger warning for people named Holly.”
“No. They’re special snowflakes, but they don’t get a trigger warning.”

“Santa Claus is coming to town is just about a guy who should be on the sex offender registry list.”