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All aboard, bonsoir et boa noite, beautiful creatures, for the 2018 Eurovision Shouty I-Spy, coming to you this Saturday from Lisbon, where the organisers have had A YEAR to write jokes that are funny, and make travelogue inserts that don’t make their country look like a school trip to the cork factory. Sadly, this year at the semi-finals we’ve already lost Switzerland’s slutty White Stripes take-off, and the attempt by Belarus to introduce the new sport of rose archery, but there is still plenty of mentalism for the Eurovision-lover or Eurovision-hater to get into. Finland’s gone a little bit Third Reich, Italy’s sent Scott Pilgrim and a man with a sore throat, and Portugal are trying too hard not to win again. But it’s been officially declared too gay for the Chinese, so well done, everybody.

Step One: you will probably need to be quite drunk. Step Two: The following sights will be seen during this Saturday’s Eurovision Song Contest. Can you see them first? Remember to shout it out. Party hosts will need to keep score of who gets what first, or otherwise dish out the forfeits to those that aren’t quick enough. As ever, there is more than one key change, and plenty of orbital cleavage, but this year you have to be quick to catch the subtlest of bimbles. Keep your eyes (or ears) open for any of the following. And when you notice it, SHOUT IT OUT!

(*swaying one’s head from side to side in a snakey fashion)(**ostentatious cleavage sufficient to see from a satellite in orbit, which, according to Eurovision bra consultant Tom Clancy, requires a minimum of C-cup)

(***the dancers all pile behind the singer in a line and then fling their arms out, creating a multi-limbed oriental deity-look)

Apologies to American readers, who will have to just imagine what the world’s biggest, gayest song contest is like. Just imagine, for one day every year, Europe gets to behave the way that Japan does all the time.

This year’s Eurovision Song Contest is in Ukraine, land of some of the besteverEurovision mentalists. Sadly this year we’ve already lost Latvia’s disco-goth Sailor Moon and Montenegro’s ponytail whirling spacefarer, but there’s plenty of nutters left for Saturday..

This year is the year of the Man-Bun, with these monstrosities appearing on singers, dancers and band members. We also trial our new SHOW A LEG category, for any moment when someone has a single bare leg poking out their costume. This replaces our usual Mullet Dress category, since too many things that look like a mullet dress from a distance turn out to be miniskirts with bum veils. Yes, we have probably thought about this far too much.

Step One: you will probably need to be quite drunk. Step Two: The following sights will be seen during this Saturday’s Eurovision Song Contest. Can you see them first? Remember to shout it out. Party hosts will need to keep score of who gets what first, or otherwise dish out the forfeits to those that aren’t quick enough. As ever, there is more than one key change, and plenty of orbital cleavage, but this year you have to be quick to catch the subtlest of bimbles. Keep your eyes (or ears) open for any of the following. And when you notice it, SHOUT IT OUT!

In no particular order, in Saturday’s final you should look out for:

SHOW A LEG!
The Star Trek Away Team (science, command, security and… orange)
Tap that jug!
Hold my microphone for me
The one-legged hoppy dance
MAN-BUN!
Hands make a heart (several)
Singing in a boat
Conveyor belt dancing
It’s the man in the moon!
WINKING (a lot of winking this year)
COSTUME CHANGE
It’s the Eiffel Tower!
Suddenly shouts “SAMURAI!”
Yodelling
Mask made out of fairy lights
Bouquet throwing
KEY CHANGE! (every time you hear one)
Slapping a pond
Writing on people with chalk
DANCING GORILLA!
Walking on a line he just drew
Onstage cannons
Sign: “Feeling all alone and insecure.”
Big Giant Head
Girl standing in a kaleidoscope (you’ll see three of her)
Xena Warrior Princess voguing in the back (looky likee)
Fat man in half a leather jacket
Glitterboobs (Visible glitter on boobs)
FLAME ON! (every time there’s pyrotechnics)
Man with a horse’s head on top of a stepladder
Woman on a pedestal
Topless man/men
Mask made out of fairy lights
Brushes off imaginary dandruff (got to be quick with this one)
Bimbling*
ORBITAL CLEAVAGE**
Buddha Jazz Hands***

(*swaying one’s head from side to side in a snakey fashion)

(**ostentatious cleavage sufficient to see from a satellite in orbit, which, according to Eurovision bra consultant Tom Clancy, requires a minimum of C-cup)

(***the dancers all pile behind the singer in a line and then fling their arms out, creating a multi-limbed oriental deity-look)

Apologies to American readers, who will have to just imagine what the world’s biggest, gayest song contest is like. Just imagine, for one day every year, Europe gets to behave the way that Japan does all the time.

Godspeed, you funky Belgians! We’re back for the game of the year, the Eurovision Song Contest hosted in 2016 by Sweden, the country that never fails to be insufferably smug about winning all the time. And this year, it’s being broadcast in the USA: let’s see Trump put a wall around that.

We’ve already had to say goodbye to Bosnia-Hercegovina’s bacofoil cellist, Moldova’s break-dancing astronaut, Belarus’s naked wolf fondling, and Greece’s inexplicable claim to be the “land of the rising sun”. Categories still resting this year include readily identifiable mullet dresses, and our popular dubstep dance-off, although I am pleased to report that Buddha Jazz Hands is back.

Step One: you will probably need to be quite drunk. Step Two: The following sights will be seen during this Saturday’s Eurovision Song Contest. Can you see them first? Remember to shout it out. Party hosts will need to keep score of who gets what first, or otherwise dish out the forfeits to those that aren’t quick enough. As ever, there is more than one key change, and plenty of orbital cleavage, but this year you have to be quick to catch the subtlest of bimbles. Keep your eyes (or ears) open for any of the following. And when you notice it, SHOUT IT OUT!

In no particular order, in Saturday’s final you should look out for:

CAPE!

Princess Ardala and the Buck Rogers Backing Dancers

giant spinning twosome hoop

whistling chorus

Lyrics: “Your smell on me”

glow in the dark violin

standing on a giant clock

silver disco shorts

tuck your shirt in, you scruffy oik!

woman wearing a tent

glowing garters

Misheard lyrics: “massive balls weighing down the people all around”

Subtle Message: “WHAT COLOR IS YOUR LIFE?”

Lyrics: “I can feel my ship capsizing.”

pointless walk to a new microphone

holographic self-replicating clone backing dancers

POINTING!

sparkly fingerless Goth gloves

mid-air somersault

he’s got wings!

giant pink G

howling

sitting on a sparkly slab

Farah Fawcett hair (quite a few)

pointless time-wasting pause

Lyrics: “The monsters in my head.”

Winking

panda on her head

he’s fallen into his own vortex!

inadvisable bandy-legs dance

KEY CHANGE! (every time you hear one)

band in a cage

Bimbling*

ORBITAL CLEAVAGE**

pink ponytail

FLAME ON! (every time there’s pyrotechnics)

Lyrics: “Beep Beep Beep.”

he’s climbing the magic steps

Buddha Jazz Hands***

COSTUME CHANGE

(*swaying one’s head from side to side in a snakey fashion)

(**ostentatious cleavage sufficient to see from a satellite in orbit, which, according to Eurovision bra consultant Tom Clancy, requires a minimum of C-cup)

(***the dancers all pile behind the singer in a line and then fling their arms out, creating a multi-limbed oriental deity-look)

Apologies to American readers, who will have to just imagine what the world’s biggest, gayest song contest is like. Just imagine, for one day every year, Europe gets to behave the way that Japan does all the time.

It was the best of times, it was the Wurst of times. We’re back for the game of the year, the Eurovision Song Contest hosted in 2015 by Austria, the country that gave us The Sound of Music, Mozart, Falco and Hitler. It’s the Year of the Cloak, so dust off those shouting muscles.

We’ve already had to say goodbye to Moldova’s fetish cops and Finland’s awful punks. Categories still resting this year include readily identifiable mullet dresses, our popular dubstep dance-off, and the much-missed Buddha Jazz Hands. In what is one of the dullest Eurovisions in recent memory, your correspondent has a soft spot for Georgia, and is pleased to see Inga Arshakyan back for Armenia.

Step One: you will probably need to be quite drunk. Step Two: The following sights will be seen during this Saturday’s Eurovision Song Contest. Can you see them first? Remember to shout it out. Party hosts will need to keep score of who gets what first, or otherwise dish out the forfeits to those that aren’t quick enough. As ever, there is more than one key change, and plenty of orbital cleavage. Keep your eyes (or ears) open for any of the following. And when you notice it, SHOUT IT OUT!

In no particular order, in Saturday’s final you should look out for:

CLOAK!

Ridiculous shoulders

Onstage snogging

The Fat Lady Sings

Thigh boots

Doily on her head

Golden boots

Hands make a heart

POINTING!

Looks like she’s got a hairy chest

Lyrics: “We’re gonna rubpubpub tonight”

Farah Fawcett hair

Onstage selfie!

What’s she f###ing doing!? (only for Azerbaijan’s dancer)

Winking

Pointless cartoon character

Feathers

KEY CHANGE! (every time you hear one)

Imaginary violin

Bimbling*

ORBITAL CLEAVAGE**

She’s got a light-up dress!

Phantom of the Opera masks

FLAME ON! (every time there’s pyrotechnics)

Walking backwards

Accordion!

Fingerless gloves

Too many drummers!

COSTUME CHANGE

(*swaying one’s head from side to side in a snakey fashion.).
(**ostentatious cleavage sufficient to see from a satellite in orbit, which, according to Eurovision bra consultant Tom Clancy, requires a minimum of C-cup).

This year, Australia is sending an entry, although they have failed to send anything suitably Rolf Harris, Aboriginal or Mad Maxy. Poor show, Australia. You’re taking this far too seriously. If you’d sent a blind mutant rock guitarist on the back of a truck with a flamethrower, you might have been in with a chance.

Apologies to American readers, who will have to just imagine what the world’s biggest, gayest song contest is like. Just imagine, for one day every year, Europe gets to behave the way that Japan does all the time.

If you are using this I-Spy list this year, please do let me know in the comments so I can see how far it travels.

And we’re back for the game of the year. Prepare the booze, dust off those shouting muscles, and prepare for what the Russian right-wing have called the HOTBED OF SODOM. And that’s before Ukraine gets a massive sympathy vote for, you know, being invaded.

We’ve already had to say goodbye to Moldova’s Mother of Dragons and her prancing beige Unsullied, and Latvia name-dropping Raiders of the Lost Ark while singing a chorus that went “Tepteptep Google Google.” Categories that appear to be resting this year include readily identifiable mullet dresses, our popular dubstep dance-off, and the much-missed Buddha Jazz Hands. I’m not even sure there will be much bimbling this year, what with the Turks out of competition. Meanwhile, Armenia have sent a man dressed like a Death Star tech support officer and Poland have just sent… well, you’ll see.

Step One: you will probably need to be quite drunk. Step Two: The following sights will be seen during this Saturday’s Eurovision Song Contest. Can you see them first? Remember to shout it out. Party hosts will need to keep score of who gets what first, or otherwise dish out the forfeits to those that aren’t quick enough. As ever, there is more than one key change, and plenty of orbital cleavage. Keep your eyes (or ears) open for any of the following. And when you notice it, SHOUT IT OUT!

(*swaying one’s head from side to side in a snakey fashion.).
(**ostentatious cleavage sufficient to see from a satellite in orbit, which, according to Eurovision bra consultant Tom Clancy, requires a minimum of C-cup).

Apologies to American readers, who will have to just imagine what the world’s biggest, gayest song contest is like. Just imagine, for one day every year, Europe gets to behave the way that Japan does all the time.

Step One: you will probably need to be quite drunk. Step Two: The following sights will be seen during this Saturday’s Eurovision Song Contest. Can you see them first? Remember to shout it out. Party hosts will need to keep score of who gets what first, or otherwise dish out the forfeits to those that aren’t quick enough. As ever, there is more than one key change, and plenty of orbital cleavage. Keep your eyes (or ears) open for any of the following. And when you notice it, SHOUT IT OUT!

In no particular order, in Saturday’s final you should look out for:

Buddha Jazz Hands – a new category in which the dancers all pile behind the singer in a line and then fling their arms out, creating a multi-limbed oriental deity-look.

Winking

KEY CHANGE! (every time you hear one)

Backflips

DUBSTEP! (two points to the FIRST PERSON to shout DUBSTEP whenever it kicks in; and an extra point to everyone who jumps up and dances to it. That means you, Dad.)

Bimbling*

ORBITAL CLEAVAGE**

Fingers make a heart (Several times, but blink and you’ll miss them)

Men in skirts

The words: “His name is Jeremy”

Masks

Smallest bouzouki in the world

A sign that reads “FABULOUS DING DONG”

Glow-in-the-dark-trumpet

Ukulele

Wedding Dress

Mullet Dress (short at the front, long at the back)

Biggest mullet dress in the world

Rose petals in a perspex box

Teleporting bridesmaids

Snogging women

Ming the Merciless sings Il Divo

Me and my Shadow

Accordion!

Onstage drums

Giant, light-up balls

Chucking balls into the audience

Singer enters, carried by a giant.

Massive glitterball

Twenty-foot tall woman

Wolverine on Drums

COSTUME CHANGE.

————————————-

BONUS SCORING

5 points if the UK presenter refers to Bonnie Tyler by saying that we’re “holding out for a hero.”

5 points if the UK presenter refers to Bonnie Tyler’s inevitable defeat as a “total eclipse of the heart.”

1 point every time the UK presenter mispronounces Malmerrr as Malmo.

(*swaying one’s head from side to side in a snakey fashion.).
(**ostentatious cleavage sufficient to see from a satellite in orbit, which, according to Eurovision bra consultant Tom Clancy, requires a minimum of C-cup).

Apologies to American readers, who will have to just imagine what the world’s biggest, gayest song contest is like. Just imagine, for one day every year, Europe gets to behave the way that Japan does all the time.

Hello, Woki Mit Deim Popo, and welcome to the Eurovision Shouty I-Spy Game, back for the first-ever final to be held in the immensely gay-friendly town of Baku.

Step One: you will probably need to be quite drunk. Step Two: The following sights will be seen during this Saturday’s Eurovision Song Contest. Can you see them first? Remember to shout it out. Party hosts will need to keep score of who gets what first, or otherwise dish out the forfeits to those that aren’t quick enough. As ever, there is more than one key change, and plenty of orbital cleavage. Keep your eyes (or ears) open for any of the following. And when you notice it, SHOUT IT OUT!

With great disappointment we have had to say farewell in the semi-finals to Montenegro’s fat rapper and his onstage Trojan horse, as well as the fantastically named Trackshittaz from Austria, with their neon knickers and pole dancing. We shall also miss the chance to shout “SPLITTER!” every time the Finnish entry opens her mouth and sings in Swedish. But that still leaves us with the best/worst Eurovision in years, with a bunch of certified mentalists bringing you the trancey, oddly cyberpunky fun. Occasionally dressed as refugees from Assassin’s Creed.

In no particular order, in Saturday’s final you should look out for:

Winking

Is it snowing?

Sergeant Pepper’s Epaulettes

One glove (doesn’t make you cool)

Hammer Time (sideways footy shuffle)

ACCORDION!

Cloaks!

Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na

Onstage fountain

“SING WITH ME, MY CHILDREN!”

Rotating oven

La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la

Instant boat!

KEY CHANGE! (every time you hear one)

Backflips

Blindfold

Oh no! An Oboe!

Very very small xylophone

Dancing onscreen rubber gimps

Bimbling*

Onstage baking

ORBITAL CLEAVAGE**

Men in skirts playing trumpets!

Muffins for everybody!

Assassin’s Creed on Keyboards

Blacksmith’s Apron

Bagpipes

Synchronised Swimming (without water)

Bronze tights

Breakdancing on plinths

Fingers make a heart

Hair stuck to her chest

Moonwalk (have to be fast to catch this one)

DRUM-SITTER (she’s sitting on a drum!)

FLAME ON! (every time there’s pyrotechnics)

We include our traditional category of COSTUME CHANGE, just in case someone actually changes costumes, although nobody did in rehearsals.

(*swaying one’s head from side to side in a snakey fashion. This is particularly difficult to spot this year, so I’ll give you an extra clue: SHIPBOARD BIMBLING).
(**ostentatious cleavage sufficient to see from a satellite in orbit, which, according to Eurovision bra consultant Tom Clancy, requires a minimum of C-cup).

Bonus item: A LITTLE BIT OF POLITICS

A point every time the presenters claim that Azerbaijan is in Europe.

Special bonus points all round if one of the acts decides to self-destruct on the night and inject some sort of live protest. Look out for rainbow flags or badges at the very least.

Are Armenia voting…? If they are, you can be sure someone says something cutting…

Apologies to American readers, who will have to just imagine what the world’s biggest, gayest song contest is like. Just imagine, for one day every year, Europe gets to behave the way that Japan does all the time!