Credulous simpletons tricked into trawling through faeces

The report warns that you may feel some discomfort when passing larger bars

An American research group has managed to convince people unencumbered with weighty IQs that they should carefully sift their own poo, looking for particles of gold.

The US Geological Survey team produced a report pointing out the minute amounts of precious metals that are present in human crap, leading morons to start defecating into sieves.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, the author of the report, said “It’s hilarious. I keep getting all these letters from idiots complaining they ‘ve been trawling through their waste for days and not found one single golden nugget.

“I’d explain that the particles are too small and could only be chemically extracted, but these poorly-spelt letters are hysterical. They’re really just making me ROFLMAO.

“Apart from the ones that smell of shit.”

Billy-Bob Bushface said “I been a-pannin’ for gold in ma outhouse for two week now, and I ain’t yet foun’ a thang. I was all constimapated yesterday, and when I done me a shit it was real painful, so I thought ‘There’s gotta be a big ol’ lump of gold in that stool there!’ but I dint get nothin’ outta it.

“I ain’t gonna stop though. Not till I finds me enough gold to buy me a new trailer what has windows, instead of holes I made with a hammer.”

Professor McEyebrau said “The new paper we’re working on now is going to suggest that if you collect your own pee in cups and leave them uncovered in a warm room, the urine will break down into fairy dust.