Activist Neighbors

We’re now two and a half months into the End Times, and of course here I am, still writing “Living in a Righteous and Just Society” on my checks. As I’m sure you’re all aware, what’s brought about Imminent Rapture is the California Supreme Court ruling that the state’s ban on same-sex marriage was unconstitutional.

Of course, San Francisco made a big hoo-ha about it, trotting out their first married “couple” in an act of political showboating and promoting the gay agenda — nothing epitomizes the promiscuous homosexual lifestyle like two women in their late 80s.

But there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, in the form of a ballot initiative that will allow California residents to vote on the legality of these so-called “marriages.” And I say November can’t come soon enough. It’s not that I’ve got anything personal against these “couples;” I just think that the Supreme Court overstepped their bounds. If we have judges taking it upon themselves to interpret laws, what’s next? People having sex on the streets with dogs and shoe trees, that’s what. Last I checked, we live in a democracy. And who better to make life-altering decisions about individual couples than thousands of strangers living hundreds of miles away?

As a concerned citizen, I’m doing my part to get ready for the November vote. I’ve already decided on a bunch of “marriages” I’m going to vote against:

First is the Coens, who live in the condo behind my building. Nice enough people, but you know, Jewish. Marriage is a religious institution, after all, and that means Christian ceremonies where we have enough sense not to waste a perfectly good glass by stepping on it.

Then there’s that couple who just moved in down the street. They’re Pakistani or Iraqi or Indian or something with some name I can’t pronounce, and of course you know what that means. “One Nation Under Allah?” I don’t think so.

The McAllisters are a tough call, since they’re a really nice couple. Unfortunately, one or the other of them is infertile — I never could find out which. Marriage is about procreation and raising children, and it has been for millennia. We can’t go changing the basic definitions of words just because a couple of people claim to be “in love.”

Jessica Alba and that dude she married, because we all know she can do better, am I right, guys?

Then there’s the Brown “family.” Peter, Sarah, and their daughter Julie, but there’s a problem: it’s their first marriage. And we all know it wasn’t “Adam and Eve,” it was “Adam and Lillith, then Eve.” I just feel sorry for the children.

And that’s just to start. It’s not going to be easy to make decisions for millions of people, but it’s our duty as Americans to decide these things. Not to leave it up to the couples themselves, and definitely not to put it in the hands of some “judges” who were “trained” to “interpret” the “law” on a “rational basis.”

Update: I’ve just been informed over e-mail that the November ballot initiative won’t let us vote against all marriages, just same-sex marriages. That doesn’t seem fair at all! How am I supposed to make decisions about the lives of people who don’t share all of my personal beliefs?