All posts tagged ‘transgender’

When planning our geeky-queer wedding, Andrew and I had to make up a lot of things along the way, while balancing some of the traditional aspects that we find appealing. Sometimes, creating a new guide for our circumstances has been a little difficult. Other times, it was as easy as figuring out what aspects we really do not like in traditional weddings, and simply eliminating them; sometimes replacing them with our own special touches. The reception is another one of those situations where the end result is due to a process of elimination and supplementation, balanced with a couple traditional elements.

Andrew and I are two extremely introverted individuals. As a result, there are many things in a traditional wedding reception that cause us to become extremely uncomfortable. Also, we are two individuals who don’t appreciate a lot of the social conventions found within traditional wedding receptions. Then, add that I’m a trans man and Andrew could be described as a pansexual yet cis male, for some, that in and of itself is enough reason to throw all tradition out the window, and build something unique.

Marriage is a time of celebrating the love and commitment of two individuals; a promise made in front of friends and family to spend a lifetime together. For some, it is also a matter of religion. If you strip all the window dressing away, at its very base, marriage is a civil legal contract between two individuals.

Because, in both Canada and the USA, marriage is, at its roots, a legal contract, I’ve come across a lot of people who just assume that the hows involved in marriage would be similar. The reality is that the legal and religious systems regarding marriage are vastly different between Canada and the United States, in some very important ways.

In this latest geeky-queer wedding post, we will explore the ceremony, including vows and legalities; the type of ceremony we will be having; and the process of going through a legal name change, and the reasons behind that need.

In Canada, it really doesn’t matter in what province, or territory, two individuals are wanting to marry, the laws are pretty much identical. This could probably be attributed to the fact that, in Canada, marriage is defined on a federal level.

In the United States, marriage is defined by the state. Because of this, and the fact there are 50 states, it is very difficult to use generalizations when talking about exactly what is required to make a marriage legal, and who is legally allowed to perform a marriage ceremony. I believe one of the few exceptions to this rule is when it comes to the rights of religious officials and their capacity to perform wedding ceremonies. It is also in the area of religion that there is a major difference between Canada and the United States.

In an attempt to keep things simple, with the exception of talking about the legal definition of marriage, I will talk about the regulations in British Columbia — where we are getting married — with a few broad generalizations about Canada, compared to the regulations in Virginia — the state in which Andrew grew up. Despite attempting the keep things simple, it will still require a bit of time to explain them.

When you are planning a wedding, tradition and etiquette will tell you there are many things you must do. You must select a wedding party. Traditionally, there are also rules about whom you should choose. Traditionally, the parents of the individuals getting married must assume certain responsibilities. The guests are also seen to have specific roles within the whole affair. But, what if both parties have already been once married and divorced? What if one of those individuals is a trans man? What if the people getting married have different cultural backgrounds? What if a geeky element is being added? These questions are only a small fraction of things Andrew and I had to sort out as we began to plan our geeky-queer wedding.

The short answer to how Andrew and I sorted these issues was the result of knowing what we didn’t want to have happen when we get married. As I said in a previous post, neither one of us thought we’d ever remarry. Because of this, there wasn’t much in the way of things we wanted to do, as we’ve never spent time mentally preparing for any sort of wedding. But, we definitely knew what we didn’t want to do; either because we didn’t enjoy it the first time we respectively got married, or because of some other personal reason.

Some of the things that fall into the, “We really do not want to go through this hassle,” category include the wedding party, family involvement, and the guest involvement.

The most difficult decision Andrew and I faced when planning our wedding was answering the question, “What are we going to wear?” After months of discussions, many of which were filled with me asking, “Why don’t we just elope?”, we finally came to a decision.

It is our hope that this decision will not only make us comfortable, and fill our day with an added element of fun, but will also be fun, and comfortable, for our guests. The journey reaching this decision needs to be told, before I can share this decision.

The journey was an extremely stressful and emotional one. It was also a frustrating one. As I wrote in my introduction to this series, one of the frustrations came as a result of friends asking, “So… have you started to look at dresses?”

There have been a number of people who honestly do not understand why I would find that question so frustrating. I expect strangers to ask that question. To them, I look like any other female, even if I am not overtly feminine. They have no idea that I’m a trans man. However, my friends are fully aware of this fact. So, in my mind, for them to ask me this question would be like if they asked that question of two gay men who are planning to get married, or if they were to ask an expectant cisgender groom if he had started to look for his wedding dress. Just like — right or wrong — I expect them to ask, “Who proposed to whom?”, I expect my friends to ask, “Have you started to think about what you are going to wear?”

The stress and emotion came from a completely different source. I honestly do not understand how people enjoy this aspect of planning a wedding.

For our first weddings, the ceremony part of it wasn’t really what we wanted. Had we had more say, our wedding ceremonies would have been different. It is because of our dissatisfaction with our first ceremonies, that we spent a lot of time discussing the pros and cons of having a ceremony, instead of just eloping — which, originally, was what I wanted to do — during the negotiation process of that phase in our relationship. At one point, discussing the attire put me in tears, causing me to plea, once more, in favor of eloping. When I wasn’t stating that we should elope, I was suggesting, in all seriousness, that we should have a Betazoid wedding, completely getting rid of any need to decide on something to wear. Yes, a Betazoid wedding would probably cull the wedding guests but, in my mind, that would have solved all sorts of problems.

Why was this part of the discussions so stressful and emotional for me?

Deciding to get married is a big step. There are many things both individuals need to consider and discuss before agreeing to enter a marriage contract. Add extra “complications” such as children from previous relationships, lupus, and one individual being a gay trans man, there are many extra things that must be discussed long before any agreement can be reached.

In my introduction to this series, I wrote that I found it fascinating when friends have asked, “So… how did he propose?” I can understand strangers asking this question, but only to a degree. I live in a society where more and more women are asking the man for his hand in marriage. However, the norm still seems to be the male asking the female. As I present as female, I don’t think too much of this question when strangers ask, even though I would have asked, “Who proposed to whom, and how?” I have a very different expectation from my friends, as they know I am a trans man. Right or wrong, I expect them to not assume it was my partner who did the proposing.

So, who did the proposing and how? The answer is no-one. In fact, had he proposed, automatically my answer would have been, “No.” You now may be wondering, “Wait, so how are you engaged?” You may also be curious as to why I would have said no, had he asked. The answer to these questions, and more, is very long and complicated.

The answer to the first question is our engagement was the result of many long discussions and negotiations.

The very first of these discussions and negotiations happened when I came to the realization that I cared deeply for Andrew, and I strongly suspected the feeling was mutual. At this point in our relationship, we were what I label “close pals.” Before I could consider him a friend and should we both agree to the terms of the new relationship label, I had to discuss with him what friendship meant to me, and what are our mutual responsibilities. Yes, I have relationship contracts. Yes, I make people sign them. In some situations, the contract comes into effect after many short conversations about expectations and responsibilities, or one long conversation. With Andrew, the friendship agreement was entered into after a very long conversation. The conversation was every bit as awkward as when Sheldon asked Amy to be his girlfriend, followed by the discussion on roles and responsibilities, before he was allowed to give me an answer.

Next year, on July 6, 2013, I am getting married. This will be the second time for the both of us. Having done this before, one would think we’d know what to expect, and for what to plan. However, this is not the case. Both my partner and I have been learning a number of things as we begin this next chapter in the journey that is our lives, and have begun planning our geeky-queer wedding.

As I am transgender, there are a number of “traditional” wedding elements that need adjusting if I am going to be comfortable on the day we celebrate our love with close friends and family. Then, when you add the extra layer of wanting to include some geeky elements into the ceremony and reception, while balancing that with the want to keep some “traditional” elements, things become even more complicated, requiring extra thought and planning.

To add to this, I’m Canadian and my partner is American. Being Canadian, I had a number of assumptions about how weddings work, both from a legal standpoint and social convention standpoint. Being American, my partner had his own set of assumptions. Going through this process, we have both learned a number of intriguing differences between our two cultures and the legalities of marriage; things we both assumed were the same across the border as, despite the differences between our two countries, there are also a number of similarities. A basic example of this are the wedding vows, and what must be said during the ceremony for it to be legal, and the options available for same-sex marriages, which can also be applied to our situation. We will be getting married in Canada, and, once we are married, residing in Canada, so it is important that he understands the legalities from a Canadian perspective. It is also important we make sure that any cultural expectations we both may have are met.

During this process, there have been a number of other things I’ve found fascinating. One of these things is when friends have asked, “So… how did he propose?” or, “Have you started to look at dresses?” I can understand strangers asking me those questions as, to a stranger, I present as female. It is fascinating when people who know I’m transgender ask those questions, forgetting that social norms do not apply in my relationship with Andrew. The other thing I’ve found fascinating is when I discuss the fact I have to legally change my name before we get married, many people have made the assumption that I’m talking about my last name.

You know the old saying “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”?

It’s one I try to live by and teach my daughter by example. Sometimes it may feel like speaking up is the right thing to do when it’s for a good cause. Last Tuesday I wrote a pointer about what looked like transphobia displayed in a footnote on Alpha Colony‘s Kickstarter page: “Dan Bunten was the creator of the original M.U.L.E. game in 1983 and the family would prefer that we refer to him as Dan instead of Dani.” Based on the information available publicly online, I set out to protect Dani’s right to choose her own identity, a good cause no doubt, but I failed to exercise caution.

I was later contacted by the project’s director and lead programmer, Christopher Williamson, who felt hurt and wrongly accused. I decided to listen, and found myself eating a big slice of humble pie. Here’s what he had to say in response to my questions.

GeekMom Ariane: Why did you want to make a game based on M.U.L.E. and Settlers of Catan?

Christopher Williamson: The M.U.L.E. part is easy, I loved playing the game with my family as a kid. I loved the re-playability and that I could play it together with my otherwise often socially-challenged family. After making several play prototypes extending the game mechanic over the last 10 years, I pitched a remake of the game to Electronic Arts back in 2008 for Xbox LiveArcade. E.A. liked the idea but, in the end, I guess they were more interested in their multi-million dollar sports franchises. Today, the vast majority of gamers have never heard of M.U.L.E.. It’s a piece of video game history that is worthy of a fresh generation of gamers playing it!

Settlers of Catan is probably my favorite board game (especially with the Cities and Knights expansion). Catan shares many similar components to M.U.L.E. and is also a ‘party’ game that is fun for family and friends to play together. Resource production, trading, robbing, and ‘handicap the leader so everyone can have fun’ mechanics are similar but it is more up to date for today’s game players. I hoped by mixing in some components from this popular board game we could modernize M.U.L.E. and bring in a whole new category of gamers.

GM: How hard was it to acquire the license rights from Dani’s family?

CW: It was a challenge as the game licensing was in legal limbo between E.A. and Dani’s family for many years (as I encountered in 2008). Getting in touch with and working with the family was also a challenge as Dani was previously married 3 times and had 3 children of varied ages and backgrounds.

GM: Have Dani’s family commented on why they’d prefer her to be referred to as Dan?

CW: This is the official statement from the family verbatim:

“We, the children of Dan Bunten, have struggled with how best to handle the legacy entrusted to us after the death of our father. After much reflection, and according to the wishes our father made known to us in his final months, we have decided to refer to him as Dan Bunten. He wished us to remember him as our father and, as such, we have no right or intent to disobey this request. We are also cognizant of the fact that it was Dan, not Dani, who created M.U.L.E. and founded Ozark Softscape. We do not intend to diminish the courage and strength it took to live the life Dan chose to live, but our father’s wishes are of the utmost importance to us. We hope this has made our decision-making process clear, and we ask for your understanding on this delicate topic.” – Melanie, Daniel and Nick. Ozark Softscape Legacy.

GM: What has been the reaction you’ve received from the community about this tribute game?

CW: We have gotten much positive interest in the game, both from M.U.L.E. fans and from new gamers curious about how a turn-based economic/strategy game might work with asynchronous game play. There are many gamer dads and moms out there looking for games to play with their kids and I believe Alpha Colony will be a great game for this audience.

Almost all of the few negative reactions we have gotten were that we are overly-ambitious (or perhaps even greedy). Much of this came from the board gaming community where Kickstarters are typically in the $20k-$30k range. Making a modern 3D video game for 6 platforms with cross-platform multiplayer play and social integration, paying the original license holders, and allowing enough time to properly playtest and balance the game is how I set our original goal of $50k. Greed seems almost laughable as I think my dedication and love for this game is clear. I have already put $50k of my own retirement money into it getting us this far. There are many more lucrative opportunities to make money, but I am not pursuing those. Alpha Colony will be a special game that I really want to give back to the world, both to fulfill Dani’s legacy and fulfill a lifelong dream of mine.

If our current Kickstarter does not succeed, we already have plans to relaunch a second Kickstarter in August with a scaled down project. With our existing fans, a better media and launch plan, and a less aggressive goal, I believe we will be successful. The best way to find out about this would be to pledge even a small amount on the current Kickstarter as we will reach out to all of our existing pledgers to notify them of the follow up Kickstarter.

GM: Why should the LGBT community support this project?

CW: I hope the LGBT community will see how passionate we are to create this game and will agree that we need more game titles that bring the family together. I think Dani said this best in an interview she had with Mpath before her death when she answered “What got you interested in writing games”:

“After years of therapy I think I know the answer to this – when I was a kid the only times my family spent together that weren’t totally dysfunctional were when we were playing games. Consequently, I believe games are a wonderful way to socialize.” – Dani Bunten Berry

In addition, as M.U.L.E. was the most famous video game developed by an inspirational transgender (Danielle) and that she publicly and privately expressed wishes to create a sequel, I believe I am helping fulfill her legacy in creating Alpha Colony: A Tribute to M.U.L.E. Dani was (and still is) my hero and mentor and I am sure she has also inspired many in the LGBT community.

Thank you, Christopher, for taking the time to set the record straight and share your story. I wish you the best of luck in your endeavor.

A recent article at Border House highlights the transgender issues of a current Kickstarter campaign for Alpha Colony. Meant as a tribute to the late Danielle Bunten Berry, a video game pioneer formely known as Dan Bunten, the new video game license granted by Dani’s family comes with the footnote “*Dan Bunten was the creator of the original M.U.L.E. game in 1983 and the family would prefer that we refer to him as Dan instead of Dani.”

As the article points out, Dani “suffered through being treated like a second class citizen, and even talked about how her family and old friends abandoned her as a result of her transition, making access to her children more difficult.” I am deeply saddened that Dani’s family could not accept their child’s true identity.

I have known people who didn’t like their first name and struggled for years to get their family and friends on board with using a new name more to their liking. While much more trivial in nature, it does depict how difficult it is to accept a person’s new identity. I can understand Dani’s family’s struggle over raising a son and burying a daughter, but that’s not an excuse disrespecting a person’s wishes after death.

Please note that the views of the family does not represent the views of the development team. This Kickstarter project is a lovely tribute to Danielle’s contribution to the video game industry and the developers are doing their best to build the game Danielle wished before her death.

This year, like so many others, I started my year with a New Year’s resolution to lose weight and eat healthier. This generally means tossing the sweets and indulging in the grocery produce aisles. Having been a Girl Scout all my life, I was raised on Thin Mints and Samoas (Carmel Delights) and I remember when they sold for $1.50 a box. I have vivid memories of standing outside in the frigid Colorado January asking folks if they would like to buy a box. Selling those cookies allowed me to attend two different space camps growing up and pay for countless camping trips.

This year I considered saving some money and calories and skipping my beloved cookies — that is, until I realized just how important it was for me to support such an amazing organization. Earlier this year I wrote about Bobby Montoya, a little girl in Colorado who just happens to be transgendered and wanted to join the Girl Scouts. After some confusion and hurt feelings Bobby was allowed to join, and the Girl Scouts clarified their stance that anyone who identified as a girl was welcome to become a Girl Scout.

This ruling was such a win in the LGBT community, as it was one of the first public recognitions of the emotional and physical struggle of transgendered individuals, including our own GeekMom Jules. Girl Scouts of Colorado says requests for support of transgender girls have grown and the organization has been working to support the girls, their families and the volunteers who serve them ever since.

This past week, however, it was made abundantly clear that while the Girl Scout organization has opened its arms wide, there are still numerous obstacles for transgendered youth these days. Fourteen-year old Taylor (no last name) from Ventura County, California created a YouTube video this week calling for the boycott of Girl Scout Cookie sales, claiming the organization uses the revenue earned to push a radical homosexual agenda at the expense of youth safety. Taylor has stated she is afraid of 12th grade boys posing as girls as an effort to take advantage of younger girls. Since the YouTube video has apparently gone private (no doubt due to public outcry), let me share some of her “words of wisdom.”

“The real question is, why is GSUSA willing to break their own safety rules and go against its own research institute findings to accommodate transgender boys? Unfortunately, I think it is because GSUSA cares more about promoting the desires of a small handful of people than it does for my safety and the safety of my friends and sister Girl Scouts, and they are doing it with money we earned for them from Girl Scout cookies.”

“Right now, GSUSA and councils are focusing on adult agendas that have nothing to do with helping girls. I ask all fellow Girl Scouts who want a true, all-girl experience not to sell any cookies until GSUSA addresses our concerns. I ask all parents of Girl Scouts who want their girls to be in a safe environment to tell their leaders why you will not allow your girls to make any more money for GSUSA.”

I. Mean. Really. Taylor, and those who agree with you, I have something to tell you all. All kids are different, all kids have their challenges. Some can’t read or write, some can’t talk, some can’t add or do division, some can’t see colors, some kids hate their freckles or acne — and the truth is that some kids hate that they can’t feel comfortable in their own skin. Some kids grow up in the wrong body; that doesn’t mean that they are evil or dangerous, it just means they are different. If a child solely identifies as a particular gender, is anyone going to have them drop their pants to make sure they have all the right sexual organs? Not in a million years. To a transgendered girl, she was simply born with a birth defect called a penis. Its not something they have any ability to control and it shouldn’t be anything they are judged by. Transgendered children are not homosexual, they are trapped in a body that doesn’t fit them.

The Girl Scouts of the USA’s stance that they are looking beyond the sexual organs of an individual and more specifically at the identity of the child in determining if they can join their inclusive organization, seems to fit the core beliefs that all Girl Scouts aspire to maintain. The Girl Scout mission statement states that Girl Scouting builds girls of courage, confidence, and character, who make the world a better place. Even the Girl Scout Law stresses respecting others, being considerate, fair, make the world a better place and be a sister to every Girl Scout. As a Girl Scout you agree to abide by that law; it doesn’t mean pick the Girl Scouts you like and discriminate against the rest. It means as a Girl Scout you are a sister to every Girl Scout, without reference to sexual orientation or any other physical or emotional difference that they might have.

As far as GSUSA pushing a radical homosexual agenda, I’d have to argue just the opposite. GSUSA openly states local, national, and global service and action are core elements of the Girl Scout experience. Girl Scouts of the USA stated in an October 1991 letter:

As a private organization, Girl Scouts of the U.S.A. respects the values and beliefs of each of its members and does not intrude into personal matters. Therefore, there are no membership policies on sexual preference. However, Girl Scouts of the U.S.A. has firm standards relating to the appropriate conduct of adult volunteers and staff. The Girl Scout organization does not condone or permit sexual displays of any sort by its members during Girl Scout activities, nor does it permit the advocacy or promotion of a personal lifestyle or sexual preference. These are private matters for girls and their families to address.

It seems to me that GSUSA has done nothing other than uphold their 20-year-old policies. GSUSA doesn’t advocate or promote ANY sexual orientation, including straight. They have only sought to include any and all girls in their organization, even if that means that the girl might be different. Sexual orientation is considered a private matter and is not considered in the membership of any Girl Scout. If you identify solely as a girl, you are welcome to join the Girl Scout organization. Period.

So, I’m sorry Taylor, I refuse to support your call to boycott Girl Scout cookie sales as your reasoning isn’t based on fact or based on anything other than discrimination and vitriol. In fact, this year, I’m going to buy a few extra boxes to support an organization that has made visible strides in making the world a better place for ALL girls despite their differences. I can only hope that others see your “call to boycott” under the same light as myself and go buy a few extra boxes themselves. For those of you that really want to maintain your New Year’s resolutions of good eating habits, GSUSA does take monetary donations just like any other non-profit organization.

When my sister and I were little, my sister would tell our peers that I was born with both male and female sex organs. She would tell people that our mum had to make a choice: Was she going to raise a daughter or was she going to raise a son? She would tell our peers that our mum made the wrong choice and had the doctors turn me into a girl. For as long as I can remember, I use to pray that this fairytale, created in the brain of my sister when she was younger than five, was the truth because I felt I was in the wrong body. However, it was just a story created by a child’s brain in an attempt to understand why I was so different than the rest of the girls, a story I wanted to believe. My mum, well she thought I was gay because all of my friends were male and I was not interested in girl things, no matter how hard she tried to force them on me.

Hi, my name is Jules. Sex: Female. Gender: Androgynous-Male.

Actually, my legal name is Julia, but I cringe anytime anyone calls me that. It is far too feminine and does not fit me. As a really small child, I was referred to as “my precious jewel.” As I became older, every one naturally started to called me Jules and I liked it. Before the name Jules became my familiar name, I wanted to change my name to my middle name, Christine, so that people would call me Chris. I just could not stomach being called by a feminine name. I needed something that was either gender neutral, or masculine, because that is what fit and felt right. It wasn’t until I became an adult and started to study Psychology that I began to really understand why. My gender identity does not match my biological sex.

The subject of sex and gender is what I would call one of my trigger topics. Any time someone uses the words sex and gender as if they are interchangeable, my brain goes into a blind rage. Out of all the issues today, I think that gender identity issues are the least talked about and most misunderstand. I do not think it helps that we are living in a society with ever changing gender expectations. While it is wonderful that women are no longer expected to be housewives and men are allowed to have and express feelings, at least that is one of the aims of the gender equality movements, it puts people like me in a very difficult, and often times lonely and isolated, position.

“Sex“ refers to the biological and physiological characteristics that define men and women.

“Gender“ refers to the socially constructed roles, behaviours, activities, and attributes that a given society considers appropriate for men and women.

To put it another way:

“Male” and “female” are sex categories, while “masculine” and “feminine” are gender categories.

Aspects of sex will not vary substantially between different human societies, while aspects of gender may vary greatly.
Some examples of sex characteristics:

Women menstruate while men do not

Men have testicles while women do not

Women have developed breasts that are usually capable of lactating, while men have not

Men generally have more massive bones than women

Some examples of gender characteristics :

In the United States (and most other countries), women earn significantly less money than men for similar work

In Viet Nam, many more men than women smoke, as female smoking has not traditionally been considered appropriate

In Saudi Arabia men are allowed to drive cars while women are not

In most of the world, women do more housework than men

So what happens when someone’s gender identity does not match with their biological sex? A lot of inner turmoil for one. There are feelings of inadequacy. There are feelings of being less of a person. There are feelings of being an abhorrent monster and a freak. And if you have any other issues that make you different than your peers, it can make growing up extremely rough, even if you’re someone like me who has never cared to fit in. Regardless of not caring if I fit in, I still yearned to have some place where I belonged, a place where it made sense that I was the person that I am. Not having that place, along with a far from ideal childhood, nearly killed me.

This simply cannot be the reality of gender identity issues. Even though my gender identity causes me psychological distress and I feel like I am trapped in the wrong body, because I have neutral feelings about my genitals, I did not fit the criteria. Then there was a proposed change to the diagnostic criteria and more people, like me, fall into the clinical criteria necessary to be recognised as having some sort of gender identity issue. (DSM-IV criteria . DSM V criteria.)

I’m not sure I could ever really explain what it is means to be a trans individual without writing a novel. It took years of study for me to even begin to grasp it, despite it being my reality. The Psychological community is still trying to grasp it. The only way I can even begin to explain it is that I’m just in the wrong body. I do not fit.

When I’m surrounded by other women, I feel like a fraud and an alien. I really do not get women. I do not understand their needs and desires. I do not understand how they communicate. I simply do not get them and I often find myself wanting to yell, “Why do you think I should get it?! I’M NOT A MIND READER!” I just feel that I don’t belong and that I am in the completely wrong place.

I get men. I understand the needs and desires of men. I really understand why men communicate the way they do. Men are not alien and foreign creatures to me. I belong with men. Because I am a man, even if, from time to time, an effeminate one. My sons have always just naturally said, without any sort of prompting or discussion, “My mum is a gay man trapped in a female’s body.” I find it fascinating how my boys just instinctively know I am different, just as, from the time we were wee children, my sister and I always knew.

Being me is difficult. I feel it is more difficult to be a trans male than it is to be a trans female. I could be very wrong. But this is what my personal experiences tell me. The reason why I feel this way is because if a male identifies as feminine, women are more accepting of it. Sure, that individual may have a harder time with men, but women seem to want to welcome them as one of their own.

I, however, get flack from both men and women. I’ve always been the token female in a group of men. Men treat me like one of their own. However, and this happens at least once a week, somewhere in the discussion, I am told, “You would not understand. It is a guy thing” and it is all I can do to not burst into tears, as I go from feeling visible and validated to invisible and dehumanised.

Women tell me that I’m a misogynist and am giving into some patriarchal thinking. Or I am questioned to death about how I have no desire for at least one female best friend, because even the most butch of girls, the most tom boy of tom boys, has the need for at least one female bff. And when I try to explain that I need my one closest friend to be a male, again I am told, in some form, that I am a traitor to women.

Normally, I can go through my day to day just being a person. I do not let my gender identity issues control me to the same extent that they once did. Then, without fail, I’ll see something like the Dr Pepper 10 commercial, and I’ll see how it isn’t only sexist to women but to men, express my gender equality point of view and be called a misogynist. Or a male will tell me it is a guy thing. Or I’ll read something about geek girls and am punched in the gut with the reminder that I am not a girl. Or I’ll hear women talking about men and complaining about the things women complain about, offer the other side of the coin because I get it from the male’s perspective and I’ll be, once again, called a misogynist, when my goal is to try and help all parties find mutual understanding. Or there will be some female only thing happening and I have to run for the hills, not being able to say why I just can’t join that activity, only to feel, yet again, like a fraud, wishing that I did in fact have a penis, so that both men and women would stop having certain expectations of me. Even in the trans community, I’ve been told I don’t belong because if I was truly trans, I’d be attracted to women.

I’m okay with being androgynous-masculine until intimate relationships occur. Sexual partners are okay with talking to me like one of the boys until they want things to be intimate and romantic. Then they will begin to communicate with me as if I’m feminine and I get turned off. That is when I have to have the talk. That is when they get weird because some of them thought it makes them gay to be attracted to me. My gender identity was such an issue for one partner that they could no longer perform oral sex because they couldn’t help but to imagine my clitoris was a penis. That is when, once again, I wish I had a penis because it would make things so much easier for every one involved.

But there are issues with having a penis as well. I like men. I mean, I really like men. That is where my sexual attraction is. I want to be attractive to men. I’m able to play the role of a softer female because I’m a bloody good actor. I don’t care if they are gay, straight or bisexual. However, my chances of attracting a gay man are extremely unlikely because my body is female. But because I’m still attractive to straight and bisexual men, I am okay with having a vagina. Never mind the fact I like the sexual pleasure given to me as a result of having a vagina.

Also, if a man was to leave me for another man, I would be devastated. I would feel that I was inadequate. I’ve had men leave me for other women, and I never felt inadequate as a result. This is not the result of some form of patriarchal brainwashing or misogyny, self or otherwise. This is a simple result of the person that I am and have been since birth, trapped inside a female body. I did not wake up one day and say, “Today, I think I’m going to be a man”, no more than people who are gay wake up and say, “Today, I’m going to be sexually attracted to my sex.” It is just something that is.

As I said, there is a lot of ignorance on this subject. Gender identity and sexual orientation are two different animals. And the first time I ever thought someone else actually understood that was when Chaz Bono was on Ellen. As a general rule, anytime I bring up my gender identity, regardless if it is with men or women, suddenly I am treated differently. People stop treating me as the person they once saw me as and get weird around me. For the first time, I felt like a valid human being.

Normally, I am happy to live in the closet and not discuss my gender identity. Normally, I am more than okay with having a vagina, because quite frankly, I am afforded certain privileges as a result. Also, my sexual orientation is such that it makes sense to remain biologically female. Then weeks filled with Dr Pepper 10, GeekGirlCon discussions and geek girl debates happen, and I want to completely disappear.

Unintentionally, and sometimes even intentionally, I am given messages that I am an abhorrent creature. I am given messages that if I do not identify with certain female characters or even care that they are in media, I am doing women a huge disservice. Even behind closed doors here at GeekMom, where they have been extremely supportive when I discuss my gender identity, things are said or done and I want to quit writing for GeekMom because I suddenly feel like a fraud and that I do not belong. I want to make it clear that it is nothing the GeekMoms are intentionally doing but is only as a result of my gender identity issues.

I don’t want to be treated as a male or female. I just wanted to be treated as a person. Then feminist issues come up and I feel as if I have to bite my tongue, because when I do speak up, there is always some backlash and I become afraid. In my experiences, and it is just that, my experiences, the hardest backlash comes from women. I am called names when all I want to achieve is some form of mutual understanding. In my experiences, men have always been more willing to listen. Perhaps that is a result of differences in male-female communication. I don’t know why it happens, I just know what my experiences are.

So why have I decided to come out of the closet now? Because some of you may have a child who is struggling with their gender identity and as a parent, you need to be aware of these issues. Because some of the readers may be struggling with their gender identity. Because, at some point in this last week, one person may have been made to feel completely invalid as a person and, as a result, they may have wished that they were snuffed from existence. Because people need to know that it does get better. Because the discussion needs to begin. People need to recognise that there is something more than being a tom boy. People need to recognise and accept that if one is trans, they are not embracing any gender stereotypes. They are just being the people that they are. This discussion needs to happen before we raise another generation filled with people who are afraid to be the people they were born to be.

While having this discussion, it may be a good idea to keep in mind that every one has unique and valid experiences. Maybe, before assuming that someone is being sexist or misogynistic or thinking they are giving into some patriarchal thinking, you may want to ask them, “Why do you think and feel that way? What are your experiences that have led you to this point of view?” Hopefully, by approaching it in such a fashion, we can finally begin to have a real dialogue and begin to understand those who do not fit in the norm. It is difficult to understand things that are considered outside of the norm. It is very difficult to understand issues of gender identity, especially if you live in a culture that is trying to break down gender barriers. However, we need to begin somewhere. So let’s start here.

Out of all the social issues of today, I personally feel issues of sex and gender to be the most misunderstood and least talked about. If you want to cause me to start a rant or spew out a lot of words, then use the terms “sex” and “gender” as if they are interchangeable. Among regular people, I try to not let it anger me. But when the media does it, a body who’s job is to inform, it really bothers me and hurts me to the core. The reason for this is because transgender issues are an extremely personal issue to me. One day, I will write about this and share my own personal story. However, I’m not ready to take that leap yet.

It is because I’m not ready to take that leap yet that I am so very thankful and grateful to Chaz Bono for having the courage to speak-out about gender issues and what it was like to be a man trapped in a female body. I also think he did an amazing job explaining something I’ve yet to find proper words for and that is what it means to have the gender of your brain not match up with the sex of your anatomy. I am also very thankful to Ellen DeGeneres for having Chaz on her show on September 14, 2011, in an effort to shine a light on such a misunderstood topic.

Below is a small part of her opening monologue. It caused me to cheer.

Also, if you are a trans individual or are the parent of a trans individual, please watch it and share it with your children. Knowing that one is not alone in these struggles can literally mean the difference between life and death. It can also mean the difference between being able to cope with being different and developing an unhealthy lifestyle as a result.

Until college, I can’t remember passing a day at home or school without being teased for being a brainiac and a tomboy. I was so used to being a pariah in my own life that I actually had a hard time adapting to living among friends. But my fellow grown-up nerds were patient. They all knew what it was like to be “the weird one” and that it was only a matter of time before I solved the funny little puzzle in my head.

When I was nineteen years old, nobody seemed surprised to hear me say the words, “I’m bisexual.” But in spite of the fact that my biggest secret was somehow common knowledge, my family had one demand: Stop telling people! In other words, “Get back in the closet, you freak.” But it was too late. I’d developed a taste for acceptance, and tormented adolescence was no match for hard-won adulthood. Yes, I was still a big geek, and queer to boot, but I was a geek among many. My smarts and my sexuality finally fit in somewhere, and I had something to be proud of: Me.

But I think it’s only a matter of time before people get wise about this, too. Scientists have examined some of the prevailing arguments against equality and found that the assumptions guiding anti-LGBT bias aren’t based in reality:

In fact, in another study, “…children in lesbian families scored significantly higher in their social, academic and general skills, and significantly lower with regard to aggressive behavior, violating rules and expressing problem behaviour.” Logically, the research indicates that this is more likely due to differences in parenting styles between lesbian and hetero parents than due to their sexual orientation.

But even science has a way to go with regard to overcoming hetero-normative bias. Much research assessing the outcomes of children of LGBT parents still falls into the trap of assuming that the emergence of queer youth in any family is a sign of parental failure, or an otherwise undesirable result.

There are no quick fixes for these problems. It’s clear from both anecdotal and scientific evidence that anti-LGBT bullying is epidemic in schools. Queer kids are bullied to death at a rate that astonishes newscasters, but the phenomenon probably surprises few adult geeks who survived adolescence before Bill Gates and Steve Jobs became household names.

But we geeks and LGBT adults can offer queer youth one assurance: It gets better. And while our kids are still growing up, we adults can make it even better by confronting the discriminatory policies that validate bullies and condemn their victims.