Elusive Lyrics - Part 5: Dwindling (Page 4)

Page 4 of 9

..kiran..Groupbie

I must have inherited it from Daddy, that tight-lipped, furrow-browed resolve, except that he would never have allowed it to thus falter and flail to uncertain winds. Maybe it was all those years spent in the army that had moulded him in that way.

My fire, however, as ardent as it could be, burnt away too fast, reducing itself into ashes that were undecipherable, neither cold nor hot. The extremes at the end of our emotional spectrum have a strange beauty to them, a passion, a driving force. If I could not be extremely happy, I would have liked to be extremely sad, or extremely angry - and I was, initially. But before I could cry myself out of the pain, or vent it all out in fury, I had succumbed to bland melancholy and unfelt smiles.

So, when I came back from India for the second semester to find that Irene could only look at me with guilt in her eyes, I found myself smiling.

It had taken me some time to understand what had happened, naive as I was and also because Irene was one of my closest friends - she knew, had known... But the so-called 'click' came soon enough, the realisation that when Kabir and Irene had gone to Australia, where they both came from, she had become the next me, or perhaps more, or perhaps less. I never bothered to find out, and forgave her quickly, without allowing her to ever apologise or even speak of it. It was not her fault. There was nothing to say. He was easy to fall for, as so many girls would attest.

Somewhere, it hurt that Kabir did not seem to even consider me a friend anymore. It hurt to know that what we had once shared was so superficial, so frivolous... so ephemeral. It had been so easy for me to be reduced to a person who merely hung around the gang that he hardly ever talked to anymore.

But in my more cynical times, I could understand why he only had eyes for Irene now. She was exceedingly pretty with her sharp Goan features, and she was funny, stylish and confident, like a film star. I was the socially awkward but also prone to be annoyingly clingy, little girl. A part of me yearned to be, to somehow make myself, more attractive to him, but the stronger part won, easily.

So, when Irene and Kabir now openly flirted with each other (apparently playfully) in front of insignificant, invisible me, I smiled again. It was not really a sad smile. It was merely the way my lips had learnt to curve whenever I came face to face with the truth I had once been oblivious to.

It was deeply unnerving then, that I still felt for him, something too close to attraction. There was this thing about him that drew me towards him against my far better judgment. It was in that mischievous flicker of his eyes, in the way he laughed, in his quiet jokes, his pranks, his silences. It was an overall child-like innocence, a vulnerability that I could sense he was trying to mask by trying, and succeeding, to appear cool and trendy.

I could see that behind his masks, the branded clothes, the Australian accent, the L'Oreal gelled spikes, the delicious-smelling aftershave - he was only a boy, that boy I thought I saw in that inscrutable look he sometimes gave me. It could have been an apology, as though he regretted having allowed my delusions to flourish. Or it could well have been my evergreen imagination - the wishful thinking that had lured me into this shambolic labyrinth in the first place.

I tried to hate him. But he never allowed me to. So I hated the in-betweenness that I was stuck in - that feeling of neither here nor there, that I seemed to be hopelessly powerless against.

We were at a friend's flat. Kabir and Irene were dancing. I drifted away to the kitchen and fervantly began doing the dishes that we had used to make the nachos. They were all laughing. Nobody had noticed that I had left.

But there were soft footsteps behind me, somebody's reflection in the cold starless window in front of me. It was somebody tall with spikes in his hair and a dimple in his stubble. I made myself smile, and turned to look at Kabir. He took my picture on his cellphone. It was an odd thing to do. I shook my head at him good-humouredly and turned away. I probably looked uglier than I really was in that picture. Unnecessary confirmation that Irene was a better option than I could ever have been.

"Why did you come here?" he asked from behind me. (As though he knew?)

How did he care? Why didn't he just leave? Wouldn't Irene be missing her Kabbu? He was a horrible, horrible person, and he had no right to be nice to me. If he couldn't be bothered to even look at me anymore, let alone talk to me, why did he have to pretend to be nice from time to time? Why was he making it so hard for me to move on, whatever that meant?

"Oh," I responded, appropriately nonchalant, "I thought if I did the dishes, Pablo wouldn't have that much to clear tomorrow morning."

"Here, let me help you."

There. Again. One of his trademark gentlemanly gestures, that would previously have swept me off my feet. But of course nothing of it was, had ever been, sincere. For a horrible, horrible person he was. I would not fall for his charms, never in a million years. I would not even turn to look at him. Because I was stronger than that.

"Oh no no no, I'm done."

I was far from being done though. That night, to my great despair, I found myself reliving the few moments we had had together, with those bittersweet feelings that you'd associate with pangs of romantic longing. It was almost as though I was back in those days when I would be that silly lovesick teen. I was making up theories in my mind, theories where he was not such a horrible person, where I was not such an insignificant thing, where he actually kind of, sort of, liked me, missed me even. I was trying to orchestrate everything into a self-flattering fairytale again.

But he was no prince, and I was no princess. If at all he was being nice, it was most probably out of pity. And I wanted, needed nobody's pity.

I did manage to refute each one of my illusory hypotheses, but the questions wouldn't forsake me so easily. Why had he come my way in the first place? And if he had come, why did he have to leave? And if he had had to leave, couldn't he just leave completely? What was with the lingering?

--jiya--IF-Rockerz

owkay.. I think I am editing this after ages.. and I am really very sorry for that :( but.. you do know the reason.. :( :(

anyways, so where were we? hmm..

"Embers" - well, I do understand the love-lost broken-hearts who seem to be walking-on-fire with each step they take (aah.. poetry!! :P) and so I must say.. Impressive choice of titles*appaluds* and of course words :)

How did he care? Why didn't he just leave? Wouldn't Irene be missing her Kabbu? He was a horrible, horrible person, and he had no right to be nice to me. If he couldn't be bothered to even look at me anymore, let alone talk to me, why did he have to pretend to be nice from time to time?

I can totally understand her feelings here, and no, I am not talking about myself.

It was a.. beautiful, should I say.. maybe admirable is a better word, for the gift you have... Keep it up, Kiran..

splnIF-Sizzlerz

It's interesting - I have often thought - how the 'chase part' or the inbetweenness as your lady lead likes to think of it - is the most engaging part of the story. If I was going to rank the once upon a time, the in between gore, and the happily ever after, the happily ever after would probably rank last on being 'interesting'... and I realize how horribly, horribly Kabir-ish (read: sadistic) that sounds.

And I'm not trying to promote the genre of tragedy here - I'd still like for the leads to get their happy end - but just the angst plays a never failing grip. On that note btw - I am, as must be your intent - still very much in half minds over whether or not we have already been introduced to both the leads yet.

I can imagine the stance of forgiving Irene. She's not really the character to hate on - because what's been severed has not really been her doing. If not her, then someone else, or another, and another. The dispelling of illusion/delusion has been entirely between Kabir and her - and how unfortunately ironic for that to be the only exclusive thing they now share - this secret, forbidden to be mentioned or even believed existant, intangible but very much prevalant knowlege of altered dynamics.

I'm going to bid myself to not speculate. But if I was (just for a moment) my first line of thought would only be a debate between whether Kabir was truly the typical charming rogue, or too the too charming for his own good golden boy at heart... Of course- the exact debate that our dear lead has, except at this point she strongly refrains from candidly giving a chance to the second option - not that I blame her.

I'll leav it at that - thank you for the speedy update - and look eagerly forward to the next. Can I say for the nth time, how glad I am to have been on the limited stock PM list from the start?!

And the routine courtesy (which I sincerely do not out of sake of routine ofc) - hopefully, school is going well, eh?!

..kiran..Groupbie

It's interesting - I have often thought - how the 'chase part' or the inbetweenness as your lady lead likes to think of it - is the most engaging part of the story. If I was going to rank the once upon a time, the in between gore, and the happily ever after, the happily ever after would probably rank last on being 'interesting'... and I realize how horribly, horribly Kabir-ish (read: sadistic) that sounds.

Oh yes, it does sound pretty sadistic That said, I so get your point about angst being more interesting to read about. Which is most probably why, in so many Indian tv serials, once the lead pair have, after much dilly-dallying, gotten together, or worse, married each other, the writers scramble about for inane twists to keep the viewers watching

From a writer's point of view though, well, mine at least, pre-happily-ever-after blues can get quite boring, esp when you know what's next and can't wait to get to it

But I will try balance it out, for you. Yes I do feel noble right now

And I'm not trying to promote the genre of tragedy here - I'd still like for the leads to get their happy end - but just the angst plays a never failing grip. On that note btw - I am, as must be your intent - still very much in half minds over whether or not we have already been introduced to both the leads yet.

Behold, my enigmatic smile

I can imagine the stance of forgiving Irene. She's not really the character to hate on - because what's been severed has not really been her doing. If not her, then someone else, or another, and another.

Sigh, true! Although, I don't think she forgave Irene with that kind of understanding in mind at that point. In retrospect, yes. But just then, I'd say it was more of a lazy dodge of issues that could be depressing to face. Then again, who knows how her mind works!

The dispelling of illusion/delusion has been entirely between Kabir and her - and how unfortunately ironic for that to be the only exclusive thing they now share - this secret, forbidden to be mentioned or even believed existant, intangible but very much prevalant knowlege of altered dynamics.

Exactly! Couldn't have put it even half as well! So I'll shut up before I dampen your analysis with some hopelessly lame response

I'm going to bid myself to not speculate. But if I was (just for a moment) my first line of thought would only be a debate between whether Kabir was truly the typical charming rogue, or too the too charming for his own good golden boy at heart... Of course- the exact debate that our dear lead has, except at this point she strongly refrains from candidly giving a chance to the second option - not that I blame her.

Speculation tends to get one into tricky situations, hey, in matters of love and all..? Control freak as I am, I'd like to know know Anyway, that's probably why the lady lead (love the sound of that btw ) who finds it so hard to stop her imagination from running amok, would have decided to stick to the worst case scenario, so that she cannot be disappointed, only pleasantly surprised.

I'll leav it at that - thank you for the speedy update - and look eagerly forward to the next. Can I say for the nth time, how glad I am to have been on the limited stock PM list from the start?!

I am gladder, believe me!

I think there's a quaint charm to tea parties amongst a small close-knit group of friends, that is somewhat lacking in those 'happening' PR-type parties with impressive guestlists, and those few - or more - random people lurking in the corner wondering why they're there. Nobody talks, really.

Now that I know, I wouldn't have it any other way

And the routine courtesy (which I sincerely do not out of sake of routine ofc) - hopefully, school is going well, eh?!

As well as it can go, I guess. Sigh. Ok that just sounds way too melodramatic I generally like what I'm doing, so that definitely helps!

cheers,NJ

Thank you for commenting, NJ It always brings this inexplicable warmth to my heart to just read what you have to say! I just love, love, love that you're in my PM list!

a little faithGoldie

So the title threw me off a bit. I mean I understand the significance, those aftershocks of love that still remain even though our beloved does not, igniting feelings that are decreed no life beyond fizzling out. I meant in relation to your previous titles. I tried to follow the flow of the previous and find some kind of meaning, and being dim witted this is all the meaning I could muster. From the safety of ashore to those strong winds that remind you that no where is safe we find ourselves finding warmth in even the most barren, forsaken of resources, so that even if we don't get those fireworks we long yearned for, we can appreciate the glow of something that smoulders.

Also it reminded me of Bruce Lee's quote, Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the
beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only
light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our
love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable. So, in a manner, she has traversed all these points, that friendship slowly but surely ignited and now is burning itself out BUT with an intensity that can still scorch hearts. Sorry, I may have walked off the map on this one.

I liked the composition of the first lines, that statement of surety with a complimentary exemption. Nicely done.

bland melancholy and unfelt smilesExcellently penned description of numb. Many writers use the line 'I felt numb or nothing' but you eschew the hackneyed common place for something personal and create as you say a strange beauty. Beautifully done.

It had been so easy for me to be reduced to a person who merely hung around the gang that he hardly ever talked to anymore. OK, so this I did not really understand, and since I sometimes or rather most of the times miss the point, I would be obliged for an explanation. I mean why had he reduced her or demoted her to something less. I mean I as far as I am assuming, he did not have an idea of her feelings for him. Is it that upon some level he understood her feelings for him and so to avoid hurting her and his girlfriend's feelings, decided to set up a perimeter of safety from awkwardness? I mean hadn't he always considered her a friend at the very least? So why the sudden change in manner from his side?

I smiled again. Wonderfully penned, I love how you bring it back to this theme of unfelt smiles. You eloquently state your point, that no feelings of anger arose in her, but in a very subtle, discreet and dignified manner, as is the protagonist's style. Excellent. I really love, the contrast of my lips had learnt to curve against the truth for truth is normally perceived to upon the straight line, so in this way her curve is like a rebellion against that unbent line. Finely done!

Again, the phrasing of too close to attraction wonderful, using those nuances of closeness and nearness within attraction and playing them off the word itself. Genius!

So I hated the in-betweenness that I was stuck in Ah! Redemption and penance of the protagonist. She suffers for the having placed her heart in such a precarious position in the first place, but it is saved from ruin, from becoming hard and bitter by just hating its present location, not making it personal. However as they say love will find a way and to her beguile this is exactly what it does, I was trying to orchestrate everything into a self-flattering fairytale again. It is a lose lose situation, wonderfully composed by you, if she hates him then she loses her heart to bitterness AND if she doesn't hate him she loses her heart to delusions, distractions and in the end unfelt smiles.

I loved the repeat of horrible, in that way she is almost trying to convince herself, affirm a statement. However as they say, the lady does protest too much!

"Oh no no no, I'm done." I loved, just loved the manner you segued from the actual into the literal here. Skillfully done!

lingeringAh, that pit stop of the heartbroken AS WELL AS a excellent cliffhanger. It reminds me of one of my favourite songs by cranberries...if you, if you could return, don't let it burn, don't let it fade. Good chapter, well composed and keeping the reader very much engaged. WIth much love Sabah

..kiran..Groupbie

So the title threw me off a bit. I mean I understand the significance, those aftershocks of love that still remain even though our beloved does not, igniting feelings that are decreed no life beyond fizzling out. (Need to interrupt you there to say WOW! ) I meant in relation to your previous titles. I tried to follow the flow of the previous and find some kind of meaning, and being dim witted this is all the meaning I could muster.

Dimwitted who? Honestly, Sabah, I can't think of a more jarringly inappropriate adjective for you! I must confess I didn't intend for a flow in the titles really, but merely wrote the first thing that came to my mind as I put myself in the protagonist's situation. I intend for the story to be more of a stream of consciousness type thing, which is kind of lazy and also, I hope, realistic. Realistic, I think, because in life, there's always that odd something that is too random to fit into the general scheme, flow of things, that shakes you out of your previous conceptions.

From the safety of ashore to those strong winds that remind you that no where is safe we find ourselves finding warmth in even the most barren, forsaken of resources, so that even if we don't get those fireworks we long yearned for, we can appreciate the glow of something that smoulders.

Absolutely love your interpretation! So much so, that I am extremely tempted to pretend that was my intention all along.. but I can't because I already gave myself away above But your take on things is so beautifully profound!

Also it reminded me of Bruce Lee's quote, Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable. So, in a manner, she has traversed all these points, that friendship slowly but surely ignited and now is burning itself out BUT with an intensity that can still scorch hearts. Sorry, I may have walked off the map on this one.

No, I don't think you walked off the map at all. The fire that has now been reduced to embers could refer to several things. The love, most certainly yes. And also her anger, her resolutions.

She wants the fire of extreme emotions (positive or negative, love or hate, happiness or anger); she wants the certainty, the drive that their extreme hotness seem to give her. But instead, there's this weird in-betweenness of neither hot nor cold - the ashes, the embers. Bland melancholy...

I liked the composition of the first lines, that statement of surety with a complimentary exemption. Nicely done.

bland melancholy and unfelt smilesExcellently penned description of numb. Many writers use the line 'I felt numb or nothing' but you eschew the hackneyed common place for something personal and create as you say a strange beauty. Beautifully done.

It had been so easy for me to be reduced to a person who merely hung around the gang that he hardly ever talked to anymore. OK, so this I did not really understand, and since I sometimes or rather most of the times miss the point, I would be obliged for an explanation. I mean why had he reduced her or demoted her to something less. I mean I as far as I am assuming, he did not have an idea of her feelings for him. Is it that upon some level he understood her feelings for him and so to avoid hurting her and his girlfriend's feelings, decided to set up a perimeter of safety from awkwardness? I mean hadn't he always considered her a friend at the very least? So why the sudden change in manner from his side?

Oh, I completely understand your confusion! You didn't miss the point actually. I just haven't made it, yet. The story is partly true, and this part in particular, is almost entirely based on true events. Weird, inexplicable stuff does happen. Or maybe it wouldn't be so weird and inexplicable, if we knew both sides of the story, but then, how often does it really happen that others allow us into their inner worlds / that we stop our ego from creating a barrier between us and others? If it is any consolation, your confusion is shared by the protagonist at this point of her journey. Hopefully she would be able to dispel some of it in later parts, but I guess, until then, the clouds of uncertainty and disbelief would have to prevail.

I'm really sorry for being so deliberately cryptic. I'd be so, so annoyed if I were you!

I smiled again. Wonderfully penned, I love how you bring it back to this theme of unfelt smiles. You eloquently state your point, that no feelings of anger arose in her, but in a very subtle, discreet and dignified manner, as is the protagonist's style. Excellent. I really love, the contrast of my lips had learnt to curve against the truth for truth is normally perceived to upon the straight line, so in this way her curve is like a rebellion against that unbent line. Finely done!

Again, the phrasing of too close to attraction wonderful, using those nuances of closeness and nearness within attraction and playing them off the word itself. Genius!

Huuuge compliments, coming from you. Humbled, but also extremely thrilled

So I hated the in-betweenness that I was stuck in Ah! Redemption and penance of the protagonist. She suffers for the having placed her heart in such a precarious position in the first place, but it is saved from ruin, from becoming hard and bitter by just hating its present location, not making it personal. However as they say love will find a way and to her beguile this is exactly what it does, I was trying to orchestrate everything into a self-flattering fairytale again. It is a lose lose situation, wonderfully composed by you, if she hates him then she loses her heart to bitterness AND if she doesn't hate him she loses her heart to delusions, distractions and in the end unfelt smiles.

Exactly!

I loved the repeat of horrible, in that way she is almost trying to convince herself, affirm a statement. However as they say, the lady does protest too much!

Haha! She is a bit of a drama queen, isn't she?

"Oh no no no, I'm done." I loved, just loved the manner you segued from the actual into the literal here. Skillfully done!

lingering Ah, that pit stop of the heartbroken AS WELL AS a excellent cliffhanger. It reminds me of one of my favourite songs by cranberries...if you, if you could return, don't let it burn, don't let it fade. Good chapter, well composed and keeping the reader very much engaged. WIth much love Sabah

Absolutely adore that song!! Thanks for sharing!

Sabah, thank you so, so, so much for your detailed comment! I really, really appreciate it, much more than I am able to show! It is not only extremely encouraging, but it also helps me clarify the direction that the future parts would need to take. Thanks, in particular, for pointing out the bits you found unclear. I will do my best so that the next parts are not as disorientating. You are far too generous with your words of praise! But it's extremely flattering that you like my work, esp since you are yourself so much more eloquent! (Did I ever say, you need to write on IF too? ) Thank you again!

..kiran..Groupbie

owkay.. I think I am editing this after ages.. and I am really very sorry for that :( but.. you do know the reason.. :( :(

anyways, so where were we? hmm..

"Embers" - well, I do understand the love-lost broken-hearts who seem to be walking-on-fire with each step they take (aah.. poetry!! :P) and so I must say.. Impressive choice of titles*appaluds* and of course words :)

How did he care? Why didn't he just leave? Wouldn't Irene be missing her Kabbu? He was a horrible, horrible person, and he had no right to be nice to me. If he couldn't be bothered to even look at me anymore, let alone talk to me, why did he have to pretend to be nice from time to time?

I can totally understand her feelings here, and no, I am not talking about myself.

It was a.. beautiful, should I say.. maybe admirable is a better word, for the gift you have... Keep it up, Kiran..

Thanks so much for the very encouraging comment Really glad you liked it

I found it very interesting that your take on the title was different from that which I had intended, and that which Sabah had found. I technically shouldn't be taking credit for that but I do find it flattering that the titles have garnered such a wonderful, and diverse response. So thank you for sharing your interpretation, which I must say, I found really very beautiful. Absolutely loved the image

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