5 People Who Started Religions Just to Get Laid

#2. Jung Myung-Seok

For sheer lack of effort, it's going to be difficult to top Jung Myung-Seok, who started his own cult after breaking off from the Unification Church of Korea, otherwise know as the Moonies. The Moonies believe that their leader, Sun Myung Moon is the Messiah, and that when his son Heung Jin Nim died tragically in a car accident in the 80s, his spirit was reincarnated into the body of a middle aged Nigerian man, who became known as Black Heung Jin Nim.

It takes a messiah to rock that tie.

Having learned that people will believe any crazy shit you tell them, Jung Myung-Seok started his own church called Jesus Morning Star. Apparently, coming up with a Church name that had the same initials as him was enough hard work for Jung, because he basically stole his entire theology from the Moonies. Of course, there were three minor variations, each one more lazy and shameless than the last:

1. Jung Myung-Seok was the Messiah, not that Moon asshole.

2. Original sin, originated when Eve had sex with Satan, and could only be defeated by allowing the Savior into your heart and body.

3. The Savior was Jung Myung Seok's penis.

The face masks and hats are a regional thing, not a cult thing.

In fact, pretty much every aspect of the JMS theology ran through Jung Myung Seok's penis. He even instituted a "can't get yours till I get mine" policy in which couples wanting to marry had to recruit 3 new members, preferably tall and hot the way the Messiah liked them.

O, and thhey look like a soccer team. We're not sure if that makes it worse.

#1. The Family International

At first glance, hippies and Christians wouldn't seem to have much in common. History tends to remember the hippies as godless heathens, and Christianity has always objected to music and dancing, whether it's the kind in Footloose or the hippie kind where you can't really tell that they're trying to dance. But the one thing both seem to agree on is that sex should be made as unappealing as possible.

In fairness, even the smelliest drug-fuelled festival is more fun than Mass.

Enter the Family International, a Christian cult that arose from the hippie movement. Taking advantage of their access to the two most unappealing contexts in which sex has ever happened, giant bands of hippies wandered the country, attempting to convert followers with their genitals. The practice was called "flirty fishing"-flirty for obvious reasons, and fishing after the only activity less sexy than having sex with a hippy for Christ.

Typically, women would go out and try to lure men into the church by having sex with them. So basically it was like dating, only instead of trying to lure you into marriage, these women were trying to lure you into marrying Jesus. That's not our creepy metaphor either. According to a website run by former members of the cult, the TFI frequently compare sermons and prayer to receiving Jesus' semen, and encourage members to imagine that Jesus is having sex with them while they're actually having sex.

Whether or not it's necrophilia depends on whether or not Jesus counts as 'undead.'

And here's where we get to the cosmic payback for all the bullshit that women have had to put up with from men up to this point in the article. See, the male members of the cult are also supposed to imagine that they're having sex with Jesus. They just have to visualize themselves as women getting plowed by Jesus while they have sex with their wives to avoid this being gay. Because having gay sex with Jesus would be, y'know, creepy.

And stop by Linkstorm to learn which columnist also aided the Dutch Resistance during WWII.

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