This is another one of my annoying self-pity posts, no need for anybody to reply to me, I just felt that I needed to share this experience with anybody who is willing to read this and forgive me that this is the forum that I have chosen to type this.

As many of you probably know already, I no longer have any friends; they all gave up on me when I was going through a rough time. This has been going on for more than a year and this lack of being surrounded by people my age is bothering me a lot, even more recently and you will see why. I am in serious need of interacting with people besides my own parents, and to compensate for that, all of my day-to-day conversations happen on forums, chat sites and webcam sites. My social life practically occurs on the internet and my parents see it as a bad thing, but I have no place else to go to have lasting conversations with people. If I'm lucky (which happens once in a blue moon), when I go out in public, it's usually small talk (we're talking 1 to 10 minutes) and then I never see these people again. I realized that it's even harder to make real-life friends when you are not in school/at work and right now, this feels impossible so I'm opting for the next best thing, thank god for the internet or else I would go insane. Anyways, a couple of days ago, I did something that I regret and I wish I never thought about doing in the first place because now my mind is filled with garbage and I feel more depressed than when I started.

When I feel extra lonely and feel like staring at a text is not enough to satisfy my social needs because it's like i'm talking to a robot, I go on webcam sites and meet all sorts of people who make me feel less cut from the world. With some exceptions, most of my webcam experiences have been quite enjoyable and it's refreshing to see people who don't give a fuck about what anybody thinks (I think it takes a lot of courage to reveal how you look to a couple of strangers). Usually my convos last up to an hour because we can't think of anything else to say to each other or have to return to our lives, but it was different with this one random guy, I felt a strong connection to him. I think we chatted for 4 hours straight and it was the happiest 4 hours of my entire break from school, heck make that of the last 3 years of my life. I have never felt so energized and so creative in my thinking, I forgot about everything that made me feel sadness because I was having so much fun in his company. Anyways I won't give an entire description of how amazing I thought he was because I know that nobody cares and this is besides the point that I am trying to make. I agreed with all your gurus that nobody is responsible for your own happiness but yourself but can I just say that he was a damn good DISTRACTION from my perpetual negative thinking. He liked my awkwardness, he thought it was adorable and I felt that I could tell him anything that popped up in my mind without being afraid of his reaction, I was so comfortable with him and I thought that this conversation will never end until my dad came downstairs to the basement where I was hiding myself at 5AM because I'm not allowed to stay up that late.

He came downstairs to get a drink and he saw that the lights were on (I usually keep them off but I was on my webcam) and I had earphones on and forgot all about trying to be sneaky while my parents are sleeping and he startled me when I heard his loud footsteps come downstairs and saw his angry expression, ready to lash at me. I was in a state of panic and I quickly reacted, I typed ''sry I g2g'' and I closed the website (because I certainly DID NOT want my dad to see what I was doing on the computer at 5AM), knowing that I will never see him again because the website chooses random people for you and we didn't ask to exchange emails (I think he would've asked for my email so we can keep in touch before I left) and that was it. One moment, I was in heaven with happiness bursting out of my being, then I quickly descended into hell. After the shock had dissipated, I wanted to break my dad's neck into two, I was extremely angry at him but I didn't show it. After he was done yelling to me, I went to bed and silently cried on my pillow.

I got a taste of it (whatever that was) and now I want more and I know it's not wise to want more. I felt like I had something wonderful going for me and then I let it slip away. I am never going to see him again and it kills me inside, I fucked up but I had no choice, I never have a choice with my dad, especially when he's angry at me. I am convincing myself to at least consider the possibility that this guy was a douche bag and a player who was picking up random girls from the internet. 4 hours is not enough to really know somebody and people lie on the internet all the time. I also took some print screen shots of us because I wanted to remember the first time (and only time) we met but every time I viewed the pictures, it brought conflicting feelings, mostly negative ones, so I deleted them all. Nothing seems to work out for me. I am also back to watching Mooji. Thanks for reading.

"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak

Are any of these options for you?1. Books, from the library, fiction-fantasy novels can be fun2. Preparation, for the next school year, pre-study-up on a topic3. Volunteerism, children's ward at hospital, summer care for kids of working parents4. Employment, pick up some cash, plenty if people there w simple social dynamic 5. Non-Fiction Books, there must be something or someplace that interests you, maybe even start foreign language of that place (again, library)6. Any elderly around you with dogs who need a walk (the dog, not the elderly)

All these examples have natural people interaction events that begin conversation in relaxed nonartificial flow

Your parents probably love you, 98.7% of parents doThey probably have no idea how to help you because they received minimal useful programming from their parents and because of the speed of generational culture and technology changesThey are probably correct that more electronics are not in your immediate best interest

Clouded, hey girl! I've been reading your posts for a what seems like a long time now and things don't seem like they are getting better, unfortunately. Do you think it's time to get back in to the world? I was a stay home home at one point for 12 yrs (from age 22-34) in the beginning it was okay, probably the first 5-8 yrs, but after that it was downhill and I had a very difficult time not seeing people on a regular basis, had a lot of depression issues, ect. You may not want to hear this, but maybe get a part time job, doing anything, it might improve your mood, self esteem and circumstances.

In my entire stay at home period, I think I've read a book per month, so that's 15 books already. It's relaxing and keeps the time passing, but it gets boring, like I'm not one of those bookworms who spends an entire day reading. I AM still searching for a job, the problem is that I'm not a good candidate because I do not have a lot of experience, but I NEED experience in order to gain experience, it's silly how job applications work. I know what I am capable of but they won't give me a chance and I don't blame them, they just want what's best for their company. I've been contacted by 3 jobs already, one sent me an email that didn't exist (I even tried emailing the sender twice and got the message that their email wasn't recognizable), the other was a subvention job and apparently I'm not eligible for it because I don't want to work there for more than a year and the last one was to go from door-to-door and ask residents to fill out a survey (and risk having them slam their doors in front of me). So yeah, not much luck there.

I realized that I'm a terrible company for myself; I can't always be lonely like that, it's detrimental for my mental health. After all, we ARE social creatures and I feel like I am denying myself an integral part of my species. I read somewhere that people who feel lonely are 3 times more likely to die earlier than those who don't and I have felt like that from quite some time. I feel like a hermit and that I am no longer a part of society (I don't know if that's a spiritually good thing or bad thing) and even when I go out to society and am surrounded by hundreds of people, I still feel as lonely as I feel when I am alone in my room because no one is interacting with me. In fact, I feel worse when I go out in public because I see people connecting with other people talking, laughing, touching and I feel like I am not there with them, like there's a glass wall separating us and I can see them but they can't see me. I wish I could talk to everyone who crosses my path in the street and be instant friends with everybody without it being socially creepy, but that ain't gonna happen, plus my social anxiety would be acting up like crazy.

The more time I spend alone, the more I have conversations with my mind and they're not very pleasant to listen to. The break from university was great in terms of abruptly getting rid of my academic performance anxiety, but my mood didn't improve by a lot, there seems to be much more going on in my mind. I am still feeling mostly sad and I think it is because I spend too much time by myself (I had no friends in university as well but it didn't bother me that much back then) and I need a little boost of positivity, a little help from at least one person whose company I enjoy who can distract me from my negative thoughts. When I am in the company of someone else, I zone out from my mind and pay attention to what they're saying; if I think they're funny, I will feel good; if I think they're being rude to me, I will feel bad. I need to surround myself with good people who don't trigger my pain body as much as my parents do. I don't interact that much with my dad since when he's at home, he usually watches the TV/browses the internet until he goes to sleep and doesn't like to be interrupted. I do some activities with my mom like cooking, swimming and bicycling but she's a worrywart and she always finds something to nag about and it gets really annoying because when she starts, she's hard to stop and she gets angry when I plug my ears with my fingers because she is giving me a migraine. I wish she would stop complaining to me about every little detail, she's not fun to hang out with when she does that and she does it everyday of my life. I don't get along with her because she is so pessimistic and wants to change everything, she doesn't accept things as they are.

She suggested to me that we could both go on a field trip to the beach but I denied because I knew that there will be young adults visiting in groups and I would feel awful seeing young adults getting together and having fun while I am there with my mom because I have no friends my age to join me. I would not be able to enjoy my time there, I'd probably meditate to Mooji's videos on my phone to accept the feelings of sadness and shame that I am experiencing and what fun is that when you are at the beach, you should enjoy the beach. I don't even feel like a young adult anymore, I feel like I should be in an retirement home, all these thoughts about what my afterlife will be like makes me feel like I am approaching death. All the fun and excitement has been taken out of me.

"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak

Clouded wrote: I AM still searching for a job, the problem is that I'm not a good candidate because I do not have a lot of experience, but I NEED experience in order to gain experience, it's silly how job applications work.

Oh, so sorry. I must have missed that on one of your posts. I know finding a job is difficult, finding friends can also be difficult, but you're the only one who has the power to change your situation, if you so choose. Sure it helps if the universe can put it in your lap, but usually it takes effort also. I wish there was something more I could do for you, but encouragement is about it where it comes to internet relationships. Plus, I'm 44, you would want to hang out with me anyways and I wouldn't blame you

Often times we make an imaginary scenario in our head of a happy future. You probably feel bad that you lost contact with this person but whether that is a good thing or a bad thing is only a thought. All you know is the present moment.

I always remember this story from Eckhart's book A New Earth everytime I feel that I messed up my chance for happiness. Believe me, I have lost similar to you, perhaps much greater, the only person. But that's just a story.

This is illustrated in the story of a wise man who won an expensive car in a lottery. His family and friends were very happy for him and came to celebrate. ‘Isn’t it great!’ they said. ‘You are so lucky.’ The man smiled and said, ‘Maybe.’

For a few weeks he enjoyed driving the car. Then one day a drunken driver smashed into his new car at an intersection and he ended up in the hospital, with multiple injuries. His family and friends came to see him and said, ‘That was really unfortunate.’ Again the man smiled and said, ‘Maybe.’

While he was still in the hospital, one night there was a landslide and his house fell into the sea. Again his friends came the next day and said, ‘Weren’t you lucky to have been here in hospital.’ Again he said, ‘Maybe.’”

Reading about your parents reminds me of a story I read in Mathiue Ricard's book Happiness.

It was about a monk who arrived in Tibet after spending 25 years in a Chinese labor camp. His torturers had brought him to the brink of deaeth several times and a lot of his friends died from hunger and exhausion and he was forced to build a useless dam. The Dalai Lama talked at length with the monk and was surprised to find that he was so serene and calm after so much suffering. He asked him if he head ever been afraid. The monk answered: "I was often afraid of hating my torturers, for in doing so I would have destroyed myself"

This monk, despite what he had been through, showed no clinical signs of PTSD.

Try to practice loving-kindness meditation towards even your torturers. Realize that they are the subject of their conditioning. Their conditioning is not who they are.

SJD, I know that it's for the best to unconditionally accept my parents conditioning, but the drive to get even with my torturers is so strong that I need to express it. To defend myself when I am feeling threatened comes naturally. Out of all the people that I have met in my life, I find it the easiest to hate on my parents. I also find it very hard to forgive them because they have taught me many things that are toxic to me and now I have to unlearn everything on my own which is a tough and long process.

I am over that guy. I even forgot how he looked like and sounded like. It was the ''what ifs'' that was bothering me, and you are right, nothing is certain.

"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak

Clouded wrote:SJD, I know that it's for the best to unconditionally accept my parents conditioning, but the drive to get even with my torturers is so strong that I need to express it. To defend myself when I am feeling threatened comes naturally. Out of all the people that I have met in my life, I find it the easiest to hate on my parents. I also find it very hard to forgive them because they have taught me many things that are toxic to me and now I have to unlearn everything on my own which is a tough and long process.

Don't get me wrong. I know this may go against many teachings but my own wisdom tells me that it is okay to be angry at certain times. Our anger must be within our control, however, using awareness. If we weren't able to get angry we would take all injustices in stride. Here is a quote I love to read:

Everybody can get angry, that's easy. But getting angry at the right person, with the right intensity, at the right time, for the right reason and in the right way that's hard. - Aristotle