5/1/08

Drafting

Just a word of warning: This is an entry about the NFL draft. You might want to move on.

Ok, let’s get right to it.

Both of my brothers in law are from Chicago, which means they are huge Bears fans. I am from Texas, which makes me a Cowboys fan so naturally I hate them. I don’t hate them for our teams competing against each other, but I hate them because the Chicago Bears can’t get their shit together. I’m going to help them out and in doing so help out all Bears fans so you guys will shut the hell up.

I will try to make this as clear possible so that Bears fans will understand this:

Draft a quarterback for the love of almighty god.

Seriously, how fucking difficult is it? It’s your turn to pick. You bring up a card. On that card is the name of a quarterback, any quarterback. At this point, it doesn’t matter. You give the card to the person calling out the names—he’s the dude by the microphone. He reads the card and there you go, you have a quarterback.

How hard is that?? I ask you, seriously, explain this to me. HOW HARD IS IT FOR CHICAGO TO PICK A FUCKING QUARTERBACK!

It’s not rocket science for Christ’s sake! It doesn’t even require a lot of thought. You have a top 20 pick. Go down to Barnes and Nobles and get a football magazine. In that magazine it will tell you who the top 5 quarterbacks are. Pick which ever one is still left when it’s your turn.

I know that it may seem like I am passionate about this and that would be a correct assumption, I am. I am because every fucking year I hear the same god damn thing from Uncle Bricksalesman and Uncle Hippie. “Naw man, Rex Grossman is going to come on this year. Just give him some time. You know since he was hurt this is really his rookie year.”

I hear that until about game number 6. At which point they both lament on how terrible Rex Grossman is.

I’m tired of it. I can’t take it anymore. I’m done.

And don’t give me that bullshit about Grossman taking you to the Super Bowl. You got their IN SPITE of Grossman. And guess what happened? Crap city, that’s what happened. It was your first Super Bowl in 20 years and you had Grossman at the helm. What did you think was going to happen? The highlight of your game was a kickoff return. That’s not good when you rely solely on a fast dude returning kicks.

So seriously, Chicago, draft a fucking quarterback already! Don’t do it in the 5th round or the 6th round, do it right the fuck away. Why does this escape you guys so much? I don’t get it.

Just look at the obvious. Grossman looks like my daughter when she takes a crap. He flops around a lot and then drops the ball.

Look, I know that Cowboys fans can be a bunch of pricks that expects its team to go to the Super Bowl every year. You’re god damn right we do and maybe if you guys started taking that approach, you might get a serviceable QB. Staubach, White, Aikman and Romo. There you go, 4 QBs. You had McMann. Time to let go guys, time to let go.

Grossman sucks. Accept it. He is not the future. Draft a QB.

But what do you do at this year’s draft. You get some defense, throw a safety in there and yes, another running back. And what the hell, you also draft a wide receiver. How in gods name are you going to get the ball to him? This ain’t touch football boys, you gotta have a QB that doesn’t also play center when he doesn’t want to run anymore.

I can hear my brothers in law now: “The Bears had a great draft. We filled a lot of holes.”

Shut up you two. No, you didn’t have a great draft. You got a bunch of players that are going to flounder because the man controlling the ball is better at tickling taints than he is at passing.

“But what about the long ball? He can throw the long ball.”

Sure, he can throw the long ball on occasion. But if you give me a pair of Underoos I bet I could fit my fat ass in them. It’s not pretty, but I can do it. So do you get what I’m saying now?

Bite the bullet, trade every pick you got next years for the first draft pick. Then don’t get fancy. Go down to the local Starbucks and ask any male there who is the best QB in this year’s draft. Better yet, just pick that guy to do your draft. Then you guys go home and have a beer and watch Dancing with the Stars.

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The Inner Hoss

Let me explain it this way: I have a college degree and had a job. I quit it on purpose to teach my three minions how to be minions. After 8 years the kids have only broken 1/2 of what we've seen but the other half is on the list.