An Ode to Dudes

When it comes to men and ice cream, I will sample pretty much any flavor. My feeling is, you don't know what you like until you try it, and mint mocha chip might not look that great, but maybe it gives amazing head.

As I've said before, I treat sex with a new man like buying one of those "grab bags" from a thrift store -- sure all I can see right now are some fabric strips and a broken barrette, but who knows what I'll find once I get it home and bust it open? There could be anything in there!

As a result, I have dated many different kinds of men -- within reason -- I still had to maintain the psychological possibility that they could conceivably be my father. Issues! But by far the most superior of man is the dude. (For dating, the best sex partners are married comedians who kind of hate themselves.)

A dude is just like, a guy, you know? Unlike the tempermental artists I was drawn to as a younger woman, dudes are in a good mood 95 percent of the time. Dudes can be creative, but they're not tortured. Andrew WK is a dude. Dudes can get along with lots of different kinds of people and are comfortable in social situations. Dudes are simple, but not dumb.

Dudes like eating stuff.

Dudes own cargo shorts and probably enjoy at least one sport. Dudes don't really talk on the phone. It takes a dude like 10 minutes to get ready to leave the house. Dudes aren't pretty or stylish. Dudes like to be comfortable.

Dudes don't get cranky. They let you be the crazy one in a relationship, then forget how crazy you just acted after like 5 minutes. Dudes make a joke in the middle of a fight and all of a sudden you're not fighting anymore. In fact, dudes make you laugh a lot when you're trying to be angry or sad or worried. Dudes are low-maintenance. Dudes are easygoing. Dudes don't really care what you're wearing or how you do your hair. Dudes know how to do a lot of stuff, and if they don't, they figure it out.

I asked a fellow dude-loving girlfriend what she likes about the species:

"I'm a dudes' biggest fan! The way they eat a lot a lot and very quickly, are straightforward and uncomplicated with their feeilngs, and say what they mean with few words, they way they love basic pleasures like sleeping, eating, simple contact sports and fucking...And how they are a stabilizing force by being the opposite of a neurotic emotional woman."

Dudes! They're the best.

Lest you think this is all about traditional gender roles, I should point out that a woman can totally be a dude. The dude is any partner in a relationship who serves as an emotional balancer and stabilizing force to a more high-maintenance partner. Dudes take things in stride.

I used to think that love was all about having a lot in common, ala a Nick Hornby record store nerd. It's not bad to have things in common, but loving all the same graphic novels and obscure B-sides won't do you any good if you can't get along on a day-to-day basis.

Which comes down to temperament. How do you approach life's challenges? What traits and experiences do you value? How do you react to conflict? How do you treat others and expect to be treated? Dudes don't sweat the small stuff, and they make life fun.

And for me, that's about as good as it gets. Are you down with a dude?