dad

This is my first update since being unemployed. Which is funny, in a way, because of the increased amount of time I’ve had. Part of it had to do with my trip to Boston and New York, part of it an accidental lack of inspiration. I wasn’t sure if this site was going to continue to be my breakdown of people’s emotions, or if it would be about an interest of mine – music, baseball, comedy – but I’m starting to get centered again. This site was getting good hits in its first two entries, so I hope to reignite the little light that was beginning to emerge.

Since I’ve been unemployed, I’ve been getting in touch with a side of me I’m familiar with – and my biggest fear – insecurity. I’m at an age where people are forming the rest of their lives, or the next chapter in it. Chapters where they need help lifting off, or doing what they want to, even if that just means emotional or mental support. Most people get that from their families. Family is what everyone rightfully puts first – blood runs deeper than anything. Family gets you through – in the end it’s correct to actually depend on one’s self only – but for most people I’ve come across in my lifetime, few have had to truly be that extreme and be solo.

I see parents who put their kids before anything they do, and would rather die than ever wrong them or endanger them, or hurt them. Parents who can support you with their wallet, or their home, or their friends, or at the very least, with their hearts and good will. Those people may not always realize how good they have it to have such supportive parents.

But when you don’t have that, it’s a hole that really never gets filled. Some say friends are family instead, family you can pick – and I agree with that, as I have many remarkable supportive friends that I’m grateful for every day – but the bond of blood will always have its unique strength that can only be self-filled. Money is never an issue for loving parents, if they can give it. If they turn their back on you, or let you down, it hits harder than if anyone else would. The bonds of friendship, the bonds of confidants, in the end, never truly fills the hole left by a parent who isn’t there for you.

As a result, you overcompensate – maybe appreciating or looking to your friends more than others – or you feel lonely quicker, or less secure. A lot of times you don’t even feel the hole – not at your busy job, or on a fun night out, and you may not on a plain old bad day either. But you’re always reminded of that hole when you tread a rockier road, when you need all the stability and support you can get. When they’re not there, when they can’t help or don’t care to help…it’s never something you really get over.

My mother and sister are amazing people. A few relatives I’ve drifted apart from incidentally are as well. Everyone else…leaves me with that gaping hole. I am that over-compensator. I am that of someone who needs stability in an unstable, darker world. I miss the father I thought I had, that ended up destroying so much, without looking back.

I’ve been scared to talk about myself so openly, and I debated with myself for weeks as to whether I want to get personal or not. But I decided to let go and say what I need to say. I don’t force anyone to know me, or understand me. But this door’s open for those who are interested. My blog will be about my thoughts, my ideas, my views, and as it seems, my history too. I have decided to let go and let you all in, fearlessly. I’m slowly stripping my walls, and letting this blog reflect the stories inside.

I write from the heart – and to be a good writer, I need to let go. So here I am.