Do we Incur “Debt” Through our Childhood?

Many of us, at one time or another in our lives, have had some debt we had to repay. Along the way, we (ideally) try to eliminate it as quickly as possible. Some of us even take the step of using a debt snowball. Whether it takes the form of student loans, car loans, or a mortgage – we independently make decisions to allow debt can into our lives at different stages of adulthood.

What about debt incurred during childhood?

At first glance, that sounds awful. But think about it: when you were born, you needed nourishment and shelter just like anybody else. Beyond that, you needed far more time and attention than even child just a bit older. You just weren’t able to take care of yourself and provide for your own needs. You needed help; without it, survival would be a moot point.

As an older kid, when you could function independently, you didn’t survive independently. Whether it was both of your parents, just one of your parents, or another guardian – someone was there to make sure that you had food to eat, and a roof over your head.

Even as a young adult, you still might be getting help from your parents. Maybe they let you move in with them at some point, or helped you with short term loan. Or, perhaps they helped defray some costs for your education or wedding. Maybe they just give you timely advice and nothing else at all. Either way, while you don’t need them the same way as you did when you were a kid, they might provide help to you in some way.

Hopefully, along each of these stages, there was a strong level of love and emotional support accompanying the caretaking.

Many people might say that these actions are the obligations of a parent. I would agree. Certainly, before the age of 18, they are unquestionably the obligations of parents. We all must take care of our kids and make sure they are provided for. Not excessively spoiled (as I witnessed recently), but taken care of. It’s a parent’s job. Hopefully it’s a parent’s pleasure as well.

Regardless of this parental duty, the reality is that for many of us, there was a ton of time, effort, and emotion in raising us. Probably at least some hard-earned money as well. A lot of sacrifices were made for our benefit.

The way I view it, if we receive such care, then we’re indebted to our parents.

What does this “debt” mean? Well, it could mean helping them as they get older. Perhaps ensuring that they can be driven to the doctor if need be. Or, maybe it’s physically caring for them if they need help. Maybe it’s allowing them to spend quality time spoiling their grandkids.

Or, perhaps, it’s a just matter of picking up the phone to talk. Tell them what’s going on in your life, and ask them about theirs.

Not everybody was fortunate enough to grow up with 2 parents, or even one parent, to help them. Even those with parents or a single parent might not have been given a loving childhood. For those folks, it’s hard for any of us to judge your thoughts about owing anybody anything at all. Lives can be complicated, and not everyone has had a good experience. Maybe you feel like you’re owed something and missed out.

That said, however, many of us have in fact been lucky. Parents who have invested so much of their heart and soul – not to mention time and money –into their kids deserve to be “paid” back in some way. It doesn’t have to be monetary, obviously, but they’re owed some time, attention, and support as they get older.

Now, to be sure, many parents don’t want to burden their kids, and don’t want kids to be obligated. That’s very honorable, of course.

But voluntarily repaying them through caring about them and appreciating all they did might make them feel good.

Comments

I can certainly appreciate what you are getting at here. I think we should always reverence what our parent(s)/guardians have done for us. That means different things for different people. Some of my Eastern friends have a vastly different cultural expectation than those of us here in the West.

Roshawn – you’re on to something here. Cultural expections can vary wildly, depending on one’s backround. In some cultures, for example, it’s flat out expected that a son will take care of his parents. Here in the U.S., we have many folks that are told to hit the road and never come back when they’re 18…which makes it less likely that they’ll bring those same parents into their home later in life.

On a very basic level, I don’t believe that kids “owe” anything because the parents chose to have them and because the parents did their basic duty. Kids are an investment and a personal choice, and it is most certainly your duty to nurture and care for them. Your reward is that your genes live on, and hopefully, they take on some of the values that you cherish.

I grew up in a very dysfunctional home with divorces etc… and I did not have much support, even in terms of emotional support or advice, so I am probably going to disagree with you on “children owe their parents” simply out of personal bias.

However, my girlfriend has the polar opposite experience of my own. Her parents are AMAZING. They do not spoil their kids (too much) with money, but they give them a great deal of love, care, and amazing advice and emotional support. She doesn’t feel obligated to them simply because they had her, but she feels that she owes them a great deal of gratitude because they deserve it. I agree completely with her, as they are great.

In my own experience my grandmother was the strongest rock of the family, and I owe a great deal to her as well. We all do, but many of the others don’t acknowledge it.

So in the end, although I don’t think you owe your parents anything just because they did their duty, I do think that if you have good, deserving parents, then you probably do owe them some gratitude and appreciation in return. I think it will come naturally in that case.

I can see how each of our individual experiences can shape our viewpoints and perspectives. I guess I have my view because I was actually fortunate to have parents that were (and are, even in old age) absolutely supportive and wonderful. I want to be there for them and bring them joy in their later years. They’re actually very enjoyable to be around, even for extended periods of time. I realize that many others have opposite views, perhaps based on opposite or at least different views.

By the way, it’s great that your girlfriend has amazing parents. That’s cool, and she’s very lucky indeed.

I totally agree with you Squirrelers. Obviously, there are some justified cases where the child does not want to help the parent. But for the most part, I think most parents do the best they can, but nobody is perfect.

I think just about anybody could go through their childhood and find things that weren’t ideal. However, instead of blaming circumstances on whatever happened in childhood, people should look at the good parts of growing up. (I am not talking about abusive situations or anything like that.)

I know I am indebted to my parents, but if they start in on guilt trips or yelling, I do refuse to have anything to do with them…I think family is about balance and accepting imperfections, but sometimes your own sanity has to come first.

I believe that life is a circle and the care given by parents to their children should be returned to their parents when they are older whenever possible. The extended family is a wonderful thing when dysfunction is minimized. The biggest debt involved is not money, it is love and gratitude.

Treat your children like you would have liked to be treated and you would have planted the seed for receiving the same treatment once you are older. Life is giving and receiving, you might end up regretting how you treated your parents when you grow old when your children end up giving you the same treatment.

Beating the Index – That’s a great way to put it, and it just makes sense. Treat them as you would want to be treated. This is the exact principle I told a friend of mine about a year ago, regarding one of his parents. He’s a good friend, and I liked his Dad. My take was to treat him well first of all because it’s the decent thing to do, but also because his own kids might be taking mental notes about this, even subconcsiously.

A bible verse seems to apply here: “Owe nothing to anyone—except for your obligation to love one another. If you love your neighbor, you will fulfill the requirements of God’s law.” My parents were far from perfect, so keeping score (I will be as good to them in their old age as they were to me in my youth) doesn’t really work. It would be a simple thing to justify NOT caring for them because of their parenting mistakes. Easy or not, we should honor our parents, not because of how well they parented, but simply because they are our parents.

I was blessed with awesome parents. Despite a divorce and some tough times, they always put us first. They weren’t perfect. But, they sure set an incredible example of what it means to be a parent.

My opinion is that I can never pay them back, nor would they want me to. I pay it forward to my own kids and carry the example for them. I can tell already my kids are going to be great parents. They have a strong sense of family that has been passed along for generations.

Well, since I had one of each type of parent…the supportive wonderful giving one, and the horrible one, I’ll tell you that it really depends. I feel a great sense of duty to care for my mother and will work extra if I need to so that she can have a comfortable life in her golden years. If my dad were still alive, he’d get nothing.

I also have relatives that never outgrew that phase 1. They relied on their parents til they died and never really grew out of that needy phase. They will also get minimum support for me. I imagine when the money runs out, they will look to me for help, and will get none…except maybe some basic advice like “I can help you work on your resume” so that you can get a job. Sometimes supporting a family member does more harm than good so it can’t just be unconditional giving.

I totally agree with you..for me, parents is like always “give more than take…” I even be a mother, a single parent now…and my mother is still always there for me..she never ask..but I promise my self to take care of her when she is getting older..and I know I will do the same thing to my kid..”give all my energy for my daughter”…but also have to prepare my self if she leave me later…Kahlil Gibran said “your children is not your children..”

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