Candice Swanepoel

Hot girls often have hot friends. I feel like if I could just crack the code on the first part of that equation, I could inevitably surround myself with beautiful half-nekkid to fully-nekkid models and celebrities who think of me as a trusted friend they can change in front of. That is the dream.

Candice Swanepoel has some mightily attractive friends. Many of whom she hooked up with to film the Victoria’s Secret Swimwear Special. Just looking at the results, I can see several things that are quite special, starting with Our Lady of Swanepoel laying barely covered on the beach. I’ve always maintained the best way to sell a swimsuit is by having one outstandingly sextastic woman not wear that swimsuit in photos. The Emperor’s new clothes really is the ideal line for these incredibly alluring bodied women. If there’s one thing I know, it’s absent fashion. Enjoy.

Just because Valentine’s is over doesn’t mean Victoria’s Secret isn’t still churning at 110% in the pimping of tiny bits of clothing for women with stellar bodies. They’ve just now put out their crazy hot swim catalogue so that women everywhere can dream and men everywhere can dream even bigger.

Candice Swanepoel, Lily Aldridge, Lais Ribeiro, and Behati Prinsloo provide the wettest of sextastic bikini dreams in this smoking hot but highly moisturized catalogue of international female form goodness. You can’t see these pictures and not currently be booking your warm weather vacation. Or perhaps just considering perching outside the window of one of the Victoria’s Secret bedroom windows in a parka with a thermos full of schnapps prepared to dig in for the long winter. I choose both. Just to double my chances of winning. Enjoy.

It’s like a tidal wave of amazingly hot women in lingerie from our friends at Victoria’s Secret leading up to Valentine’s Day. A tsnumai of sextastic women in bras and panties, as if they are daring you to find the strength to resist. Somebody needs to file a complaint at the Hague or something about this kind of inhumane tantalizing of the male parts.

Candice Swanepoel was simply born to model lingerie. I don’t know what else she had planned as a young person, but I’m glad she figured out that those other career paths wouldn’t benefit her or mankind nearly as much as preening, bending, and posing in little bits of silken undergarments. This is her gift and she’s sharing it with the world. There’s no more beautiful human gesture to be made. Not ogling her outstanding body would be an insult of extraordinary proportions. Don’t be rude, stare. Enjoy.

If you thought Victoria’s Secret was giving up. Think again. With just eleven days to go until one of their biggest holidays o the year, they are turning on the sextastic after burners with the likes of uber-hotties Candice Swanepoel and Behati Prinsloo barely dressed in Valentine’s themed bras and panties, or no bras at all. Panties you may remove with your mind.

Let’s be honest, they’re not playing fair. But you need to maintain your resolve not to purchase lingerie for your wife, girlfriend, mistress, or office secret lust crush. Obviously, I don’t need to tell your mom or sister, that’s just wrong and you need help. Just blanket the idea with a no-go this holiday. Sure, you may find yourself at 50 Shades of Grey on Valentine’s, but you can always play God of War on low contrast and ask your date to nudge you when Dakota Johnson gets nekkid on screen. It’s worth a shot. Enjoy.

Oh, man, the final two week stretch before Valentine’s Day. Do not bow to the pressure. Look, but do not buy the lingerie. Though Victoria’s Secret has no desire to make this any easier on you. More and more angels like Candice Swanepoel and her girl friends in their bras and panties almost daily now. Pushing you to buy. Stay strong, brother.

I know this is a big time of year for the lingerie maker. If not the biggest. And I know these international models who wear their little bits of silk and lace are ridiculously hot. But stick to flowers. Maybe some dinner. A teddy bear. You buy her clothes and you will have failed. My next venture is going to be an advice book for guys. It’ll be mostly pictures, because let’s face it, that’s our language. Enjoy.

The lovely Candice Swanepoel used her considerable talents to do this denim-centric photo shoot. All the proceeds from the sale of her denim line go to fighting HIV, which is using your hotness powers for good. The first thing you notice in the pics with her in short shorts is her redonkulously hot legs. Seriously, those gams go on for miles, as a 1940′s private eye might say. Candice has one of those classic tall model bodies that makes life worth living. But let’s not forget about those ta-tas. In one pic she is only wearing a pair of jeans and you get a nice eyeball full of her sideboobage. Candice’s funbags are a work of art. They are the perfect median between too big to hold and the itty bitty titty committee. Are they, perhaps, the most perfect set of sweater hams under God’s heavens? They darn well could be.

I do like a girl in a pair of short cut-off denim shorts. Maybe it’s because I had my sexual awakening as a little boy in the early 80′s to Daisy Duke on the Dukes of Hazard.