How to Structure Your Days If You’re Depressed

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What with the process of tricking your hindbrain through repetitive micromanagement while you scramble around for the wherewithal to keep up, forming a routine isn’t easy. The tedium of doing chores may hit you when you least expect it, slump days will follow, and then you’ll find yourself in a low-level fugue wondering why. Why are you taking this on when you could just melt, flee, disappear, a memory soon forgotten?

Being functional is an excellent motivation, but it isn’t aspirational in the sense of glamor or prestige. And without aspiration, without dreams decked out in all their ridiculous pomp, the fugue beckons towards a vegetative stillness. There’s a reason aspiration sells the way it does, despite our collective agreement that it’s all smoke and mirrors anyway. Aspiration fuels our dreams, and dreams, even the least practical of the lot, pull you out of the fugue. You know the secret ambition you keep squirreled away and only scrape the dust off to examine and adore when no one’s watching? Make that your motivation, because it’s precious to you. It will seem laughably far off at first, and ridiculous for the longest time after that, but when you make that impossible dream your motivation, you begin to navigate the ponderous trail towards it. I grew up in a dysfunctional family so my dreams were always of home and love, yet I felt singularly ill equipped for them. How could I possibly care for another when I when I couldn’t even look after myself, a blundering, crashing and particularly grimy Wile E. Coyote of hygiene? I started small, with a daily shower at first, and then aided by micromanagement and Might As Well, went on to housework, social contact, blogging, learning a language, and finally, writing. I looked inwards to the microcosm as, unbeknownst to my faculties, it transformed into a reflection of the universe I’d only hoped for. I didn’t even realize as the changes stacked up and slotted in that the maps they plotted marked my dream of a home, family, and farm. I was just trying to be functional as I gazed at that distant constellation every night, and frankly, I’m still astonished.

After all that musing on the nature of aspiration, it’s a bit anticlimactic to have to come crashing down to the packed earth of time and energy management again, but these are the foundations that build up to our stars. A routine is of no use if it can’t help you efficiently manage your time and energy, and since your energy levels will vary to their inscrutable whims, your routine has to be flexible to your limitations and needs: All days aren’t made the same. Some days, you might feel full of energy. On others, it could be a serious task to just drag yourself out of bed. I always make the most of my high-energy days by fitting in more tasks than usual so that I’m not lost in a sea of deadlines and emails when I crash later on.

It’s crucially important to not be hard on yourself, even, or especially when, you can’t accomplish what you’d set out to do, or anything at all. If you, like me, have low self esteem, beating yourself up is the most immediate response to failure. It’s because of how your brain is wired, as any therapist would tell you: Self-flagellation has literally been wired into your neural pathways, and deliberately reminding yourself of this is the first step towards ceasing that internal violence. Rewiring brains is a long process, as is finding trust in yourself. I still beat myself up terribly, but I also try and give myself a chance to disprove that cruel voice inside. There’s only one me, and the one me just has one life. If I don’t give myself a chance to fix things, who will?

It might sound aphoristic to say that “tomorrow is another day,” but it’s the one motto that convinces me I’m not a lost cause when I’m buried under the covers in yesterday’s pajamas with takeout. Remind yourself that this structure you’re trying to create is absolutely novel to your brain and body, and that time and practice are key to developing any skill.

When I see things going well, I tend to pile on too much at once and then crash. Moving backwards a bit is helpful because it puts my brain back in a place it’s familiar and comfortable with, and then I can think of moving forward again. I don’t handle change very well, most people with anxiety don’t. The idea is to introduce everything gradually and take time familiarizing yourself with them. If you find that you’re skipping out on your goals several days in a row, take things down a notch. Go back to an earlier version of your routine that was easier to handle. I’m going to use a cringeworthy simile here, but you know how your computer tries to do a system restore after a disk failure? That’s exactly what you do after a routine failure.

A routine isn’t a set of commandments that you have to follow to the letter or be damned to perdition, so don’t be afraid of switching things up every so often. You might discover better systems of organization, find that you tend to work better in short bursts than longer stretches, or realize that your concentration is at peak levels in the middle of the night because background noise really gets to you. Remember the juggler who can juggle any number of things any which way because they are practiced, sure, and confident that they will not fail. Eventually, your routine will eventually have a core set of tasks that won’t need any fine-tuning. Use them as your anchor and launch yourself into newer, stranger, more exciting things: a new skill, unexplored branches of knowledge, fascinating new people! Your boring chores will be your safe space by then, the space where you sit back, dig your heels in, and unpick all the sights and sounds of the world as your autopilot quietly whirs on. And that, to me at least, is the greatest comfort.

A bit of patience, some kindness towards and trust in yourself go very far in sketching the bones of a structure you can fill in, embellish, upcycle, and renew until your routine reaches beyond the everyday and holds you up to face your dreams. If your dreams exist to give you a purpose, your daily routine is a microcosm of that purpose. And there is nothing quotidian about that. ♦

This is something I absolutely totally completely needed to read, at this moment. Lately [last 6 or so months] I’ve been coping with my mother’s terminal cancer diagnosis, and my sister’s current battle with cancer, along with the subsequent other trials a person can endure in their 20s. Money! Education! Networking! Although things are quiet now, and nothing is going downhill so fast, you can’t take breath. They are both doing really well as you can in those situations, and our families have been given a few months of rest.[My sister is in remission, mother has no progression of disease] I’m in a period of my life that’s filled more with waiting and worry than any sort of structure or will to place myself back into swing of things.
Reading this was nice, not only did I have a similar teenage experience of enduring something my younger friends couldn’t really comprehend or deal with also left me alone a lot during high school, and finding myself back in that kind of situation now [albeit with slightly more mature, understanding friends], anyway. I needed to get back to doing things. This is a good reminder.

agh thank you so much you guys are mind readers
I always get in a slump over winter break that ruins my spring semester, hopefully this can help me get back on track and also help me next year when i go to college! <3

This is so good, it’s probably the first thing I’ve read that I felt directly addressed my situation, and as luck would have it it’s written beautifully. You’ve managed to strike a lovely balance between accountability and forgiveness with regards to your own actions (and in some cases, a lack thereof), and that’s something I have difficulty with on a day-to-day basis.
I’m 20 and have had depression on and off (mainly on) with varying degrees of severity for about four years now, and it’s destroyed any semblance of the routine I once had. It’s embarrassing to admit, but self hygiene is my Achilles heel. Hilariously, my toenails have often been the butt of jokes from boyfriends (I get called raptor feet too!). My bedroom is appalling, but thankfully I live with my parents so I don’t have the means to mess up an entire house. I’m going away to uni in October and I’m bookmarking this article, because God knows I’ll need it soon. I’m terrified.

I’m working on becoming more introspective – the idea of re-wiring your brain is so interesting (and refreshingly optimistic). Like you, I’ve found that harnessing my productivity on “good days” can help to compensate for bad days when I might otherwise fall behind. I’m hoping this is a baby step towards figuring out what kind of things I need to do to get my sh%$ together.

I can’t thank you enough for this article. More than anything, it’s just so nice to know that I’m not alone. You’re amazing for what you’ve achieved.

Wow! I am on the ‘Might as well’ side of depression too – and i went through so many of these same issues. Congratulations – you are a very talented writer – look what was hiding under those dirty sheets and grimy hair. Keep up the good work.

It’s incredible how much I can relate to this article. I found myself nodding to several things. As my depression grew worse, I stopped caring and let everything accumulate – my clothes on the floor, an unmade bed everyday, I allowed my grades to slip, etc. My negativity took over and I felt as if life was never going to get better. (How dramatic I know) Recently, I’ve been trying to change my mindset to an optimistic and productive one but I didn’t know where to start. This is such great advice, Ragini! Especially for a graduating senior/incoming college freshman. I will definitely come back to this article when I need motivation. Thank you so much!

This really could not have come at a better time. Thank you so much for writing this. It really is too easy to slip into bad habits (having an extremely messy room, not doing my homework, staying in bed too long, etc) when you’re feeling depressed or hopeless, and those bad habits only serve to perpetuate the cycle and it’s just so overwhelming. This piece was not only helpful in a practical way, but also very comforting on a spiritual level.

“I looked inwards to the microcosm as, unbeknownst to my faculties, it transformed into a reflection of the universe I’d only hoped for. I didn’t even realize as the changes stacked up and slotted in that the maps they plotted marked my dream of a home, family, and farm.”

i needed to read this so bad. life sucks lately and i’m scared and lonely and angry and have no clue what to do.

I really needed this, thank you ♡ I’m in the very dark throes of my depression again, and barely get out of bed because it all seems like too much. I think I’ll just try to do the one thing a day starting tomorrow.

The whole time I was reading this, I just kept thinking, “wow, this person gets it.” Great piece. Thank you so much for sharing such an insightful article- undoubtedly the result of a wisdom born of trial-by-fire. You’re better because of everything you’ve been through. Genuine clarity is yours as a result!

This was amazing thank you so much. i didn’t consider myself depressed but i’ve been failing at life this semester & its hard to pull myself out of the cycle of failure and self hatred. The brilliance and kindness of this article (and UNFYH!! which i’ve never seen before) have given me hope

Ragini,
This is exactly what I needed right now. I have been sleeping 14 hours a day, and when I am awake, I have been doing absolutely nothing. My every joy seems to have been ripped from me. In fact, I hadn’t checked Rookie in a month. It appears to be a grand stroke of luck that I happened across your article today. I am really, really grateful for this as despite having googled “how to get your life in order” a lot, nothing ever took in the fact that there are some people who walk this earth for whom putting on socks is an effort. I have to say, my heartbeat did rise very fast when upon picturing myself writing down the things I like. It’s scary to me, especially because at school (it’s school holidays right now in SydAus) I’m seen as an achiever, a go-getter, when I get my 20/20s in a fit of caffeine influenced mania the night before a task is due.
My family is more dysfunctional than ever and I don’t think that even if I kept rambling about needing home and love (as you say it) or some sort of comfort besides repeats of the West Wing, I could express my gratitude towards you and Rookie.

You write well! One thing I would add about developing a routine from scratch is that you eventually realize how beneficial it is, and that by not following it, you wind up back in the pit you know so well.

Like you, my dwelling used to be highly unsanitary. Dishes were always in the sink. Years would go by between vacuuming, etc. After psychotherapy helped me get a handle on life, I started cleaning. Life flowed more smoothly, but since I had made many changes, I wasn’t sure which change had which effect. Then, in periods where I was buried in work, parts of my routine went by the wayside, and life became rougher. I gradually came to understand which elisions to my routine caused which form of fugue.

For example, while stressed, I sometimes decided I was too busy to clean. I noticed that visual clutter — miscellaneous crap strewn about my periphery — caused anxiety. So I remembered about cleaning, and did it. Then I felt better. This scenario repeated itself a half dozen times before my brain finally realized that visual clutter causes stress. Now, I clean habitually.

Similarly, I realized the necessity of exercise, nutrition, sleep, a morning ritual, organization, socializing, and exploring new activities. Once I got too busy and felt like I couldn’t do these things, life would start to become suboptimal in various ways. Then, in moments where I didn’t feel buried, I would re-incorporate them, notice how much better life was. Eventually the habits became permanent because I knew what the alternative was, and how much better life is with these changes.

This came at completely the right time for me, thank you so so much for this. It’s comforting too to see that other comments also say that this came at the right time, because it makes me remember myself and my situation in a bigger context.

I’m clearly late to the party on this, but like all the other commenters, I really needed to hear this. I’m still figuring out the extent that depression has been ruling my life after realizing that *shock* crying in bed for six hours a day is /not/ normal. It kind of came to a head when my best friend and housemate of two years was making sims of us and she asked what I “normally wear” because she couldn’t remember me wearing anything other than pajamas.

Looking online for writing about depression dredges up a lot of romantic melancholia, “I’m sadder than you” attempts at self-rationalization and embarrassed partial admissions to ‘laziness’. I cannot put in words how relieved I was to read about your issue with brushing your teeth because that’s exactly where I am. No one talks about just how grimy, dark, messy, unpleasant daily life can get. It’s so much more reassuring that there’s something beyond all this when “this” is believable first.