6 Weird Things About Me

I was tagged by that Suns-loving malcontent Laurie. Thanks. I really needed this on top of the still-stinging humiliation of that caning my beloved Mavs received the other night. But I’m a trooper, so here goes nothing.

6 Weird Things About Me

I don’t eat cheese. At all. Not because I’m allergic or lactose-intolerant – I just hate the stuff. But the weird part is, I eat pizza like it’s going out of style. But not calzones, even though it’s the EXACT same cheese. My cheese detector is so good, I can tell when any dish has cheese in it, no matter how small the amount. No one slips cheese by me.

I have a mild foot fetish. I love nicely pedicured feet. Summer is a good/bad time for me, because although there are more exposed feet to see, there are also more exposed rough, ashey, tore-up feet to see, and no one wants to see that.

I’m left-handed, but only for 4 tasks: eating, writing, shooting pool, and brushing teeth. Everything else I do right-handed, including…well, like I said, everything else.

I cut my own hair, because I have a thing about feeling a barber’s sausage on my shoulder while he’s leaning into me trying to reach the other side of my massive head. Plus, I had a barber who stuttered and watched basketball games while he was cutting hair. One day he sliced of a significant portion of my ‘fro because of something Julius Erving did on the court. He looked at it, half-smiled, and said “T-t-t-th-th-th-this one’s o-o-o-o-o-on the h-h-h-h-h-h-house, ok?”

I HAVE to have cookies in my cereal. And the cookies must be either chocolate chip or oreos, no exceptions. I place the cookie in the bottom of the bowl, cover it with a little milk, then add whatever cereal I’m eating for the day, then add the rest of the milk. Then I take a spoon, grind up the softened cookie, and try to scoop up spoonfuls of cookie with each bite of cereal. This is in lieu of adding about a half a cup of sugar to all cereals, even the ones pre-coated with sugar. Hello, diabetes!

I cannot take a dump if there’s anyone within a 40 foot radius of my location. If I’m in a public restroom, already going, I will STOP if anyone walks in, and I won’t start again until the restroom is completely empty. At summer camps when I was young, I wouldn’t crap for the entire week because it wasn’t private enough in the restrooms. Buses and planes? Forget it. I have to be SICK AS HELL to use those facilities. In college, coming home from a road trip to Maryland, I got a case of food poisoning, and was being a real trooper, trying to hold the floodgates closed until we got back to Clemson. But when we hit Charlotte, we hit traffic, and I hit the wall. I had to go, and go right that instant. So I did. In the tiny, windowless bus bathroom. With the non-flushing toilet. When I came out, the entire back half of the bus had moved to the front of the bus, and everyone was looking at me like “Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn!” And they weren’t joking. For the remaining 2 hours of the trip, I sat alone in the back of the bus. Good times.

There it is, 6 weird things about me. Now, who to tag, who to tag….Oh, I know.

April – and no, the leg doesn’t count. You’re weirder than that.Southern Canadian – ’cause you’re too cool for MENSA.

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10 comments

1) Freak. Mr. UnAmerican.2) French Pedi in DA HOUSE!!!3) Aren’t you special??4) I can SO see you with a high top fade like Kid n Play with a CHUNK out of it.5) Ok…You really need to reevaluate your dental plan because DAYUM!!! That is a lot of fucking sugar. Is it good though?6) I used to be a home pooper myself. Until I was in Lenox mall in Atlanta and I had a Carmel Macchiato and pooped a 14 incher. I took a pic too. Lemme know if ya wanna check it….

I will take a crap anywhere. It hurts not to, so I dont care. If someone walks in and it will be loud I try to at least wait until they are flushing but for the most part. Sorry you are going to get the stinker.

And I once held bowel movements for 11 days on an extended vacation and when I got home, drug myself across the floor by my fingers, sweating and near unconsciousness, to my bathroom where I stayed for 26 hours.

But feet? Damn that is some messed up shit. I even wear socks to the beach so I don’t have to see my own feet.

With regard to your cookie fetish in your cereal, I read it to the hotband. He’s the cereal MAN. He comes up with these crazy assed concoctions. Anyway, he said he truly admires your conviction and your passion with the cereal/cookie thang. But, he also adds that it is too much work for the morning, and you might want to consider eating Oreo Cookie cereal or at very least, some Coooooookie Crisp.