Script

M'kay, kids, we have something very serious we need to discuss today, hm'kay? It appears that some kids in school are getting high by choking themselves. Some kids call it "The Choking Game", hm'kay but, but choking yourself is bad. Hm'kay? Don-, don't do that. Hm'kay?

Kyle:

You can get high from choking yourself? [Kenny feels for his neck through his hood, then squeezes once he finds it]

Mr. Mackey:

Schoolchildren are often experimenting with dangerous ways to get high, hm'kay, like sniffin' glue, guzzlin' cough medicine, huffin' paint, hm'kay? But they're all bad. M'kay?

Butters:

Mm-my cousin's in Florida, and said kids in their school get high off of cat pee.

Cartman:

Cat pee? [Kenny lets up and then tries to choke himself again]

Stan:

That's not true. You can't get high off of cat urine, can you?

Mr. Mackey:

Well, it's a it's not actually cat urine, but male cats, when they're marking their territory, uh spread concentrated urine to fend off other male cats and... a-and that could get you really high. M'kay? Re-really reeeally high. Okay? [Kenny is trying really hard to choke himself] Probably shou-shouldn't have told you that just now. Hm'kay? Tha, that was probably bad.

[Cartman's house, day. The original four boys are there, gathered around the coffee table on which stands a frame holding a cat in a harness. Cartman is almost done with the cat]

Cartman:

All right, this should keep my cat in place while he spreads the urine. [Mr. Kitty meows] Yesss, poor Mr. Kitty, are you just so upset right now? [Mr. Kitty meows]

Kyle:

You guys are wasting your time.

Stan:

Yeah, this is not gonna work.

Cartman:

Okay, ready Kenny?

Kenny:

(All set.)

Cartman:

All right, bring out...! The other male cat. [Kyle walks to a pet carrier, opens the door, pulls out a brown striped cat, and places it on the coffee table opposite Mr. Kitty. The two cats meow at each other first, then growl at each other. After a short while, Mr. Kitty shoots concentrated piss into Kenny's face]

Kenny:

(Ow.)

Kyle:

Whoa! [Kenny staggers backwards. The other guys gather round him]

Stan:

Do you feel anything?

Cartman:

Well, Kenny? Are you buzzed? [Kenny's not responding. His mind is elsewhere...]

[Kenny's eyes are unfocused as his mind goes into an altered state. He seems to be going through space, then an acid trip, then both. Kenny descends into a Thunderbird fitted with rocket boosters and takes the wheel. He heads towards a desert planet and lands with a thud. He quickly shifts gears and peels away. He drives through the desert landscape until a curvaceous woman steps into his path. He stops. She wears a stylized cowboy hat and skimpy clothes. Kenny motions over and lets her take the wheel. Kenny can't help but look at her breasts. They head towards a huge building with breast-shaped touches all overs. The woman steps out and walks towards the stairs, then enters the building. Kenny quickly follows suit. As they walk through the building a creature stabs another one through the skull, killing him]

Kenny:

(Hey cool! Check it out!)

Father:

I see that you're enticed by my daughter's awesome rocking tits.

Kenny:

(Yeahhh!)

Father:

Then bathe with my daughter in the fountain of Varnov. Appease the gods by lathering her boobs with soapy suds.

Kenny:

(Okay.) [follows her towards the fountain. At the fountain's edge, she undresses, then he begins to undress]

All over America, kids are getting high... on cat urine! [two women have their cats face off, and one of them gets concentrated urine on her face. She laughs] Huffing cat urine apparently causes a euphoric state [the affected woman moved her arms up and open, then freezes as her eyes get unfocused] and is also referred to as... cheesing. [Letters cut out into cheese shapes appear: "CHEESING". Cut to the front of J. Brown Elementary School, day.] Why "cheesing"? Because it's "fon to due". [the words appear onscreen. Cut to a girl's silhouette] This sixth grade girl said she's been snorting cat piss for several months.

Girl:

[in a deep, electronically-altered voice] We sometimes sneak out during recess and a friend named _________ goes and gets her cats, and we'll just cheese all day long.

Gerald:

Oh my God! Sheila! Come look at this!

Reporter:

So how can you tell if your child is cheesing? [some graphics begin to appear]

1. Your child seems distant, preoccupied.
2. Your child's face smells like cat urine.
3. When you see tigers at the zoo, your child starts grinding his or her teeth.

You might also notice by certain phrases your child says to school friends, such as "Hey, let's go cheese." or "Do you feel like cheesing, guys?" or "Dude, I'm cheesing my F-ing brains out right now."

Sheila:

[now standing next to Gerald] Kids are doing this?

Reporter:

Kids do it because it's legal. [a teen boy looks at the camera with a fierce face. A skull and crossbones appear over it] What can you do before it's too late? [a picture of a cat switches with its negative for a strobe effect a few times, then ends with the negative and an echoing meow]

Twenty percent of American students aged six to twelve say they have tried cheesing at least once. Kids also refer to it as "the cheese game", or "vitamin cheese", or "Mary Jane piss in your face fun time". Cheesing is spreading fast.

Sharon:

[stands up] All right, we're all sufficiently scared, Gerald, but what could we do?

Gerald:

I have written up a bill that would make having a cat illegal in the city of South Park.

Stephen:

[stands up] Gerald's right. We all have to face it. Cats are deadly animals! If you stick your nose up their crotch and snort their piss, they can kill you!

Gerald:

With my super lawyer powers, we can rid our town of cats, so that our kids can never get high again!

Randy:

[stands up again] Let's hear it for Gerald!

Stephen:

[stands up again] Hooray for Gerald! [the rest of the audience begins to cheer and argue]

[The neighborhood. Black vans arrive and DEA agents jump out of them. The agents enter people's houses and confiscate any cats found there. Some agents take away a small boy's cat. Bebe loses her cat Thumper to a pet carrier. Craig's Tucker's sister in her sandbox cries as an agent grabs her cat out of her hands]

Craig's sister

No! No!

Agent 1:

Oh wah wah! Get over it, druggie. [walks off with the cat] Jeez... [Two other agents leave another house with a cat]

Girl 2's Father:

Goodbye, Scrambles. [his daughter cries into his left pant leg] We'll miss you. [nearby, the cats are tossed into the DEA vans and taken away]

[Kenny's house, night. He's about to cheese when two agents break in and confiscate the two cats he has there]

Agent 2:

Got two here.

Kenny:

(Hey! What the hell are you doing?!)

Agent 1:

Sorry, these are illegal.

Kenny:

(What?! No! What are you doing?!) [the agents toss the cats into the van] (You fuckers!) [the van drives off.]

[Cartman's house. Three agents comb the living room]

Cartman:

Look, I told you, I had a cat. But I had it put to sleep 'cause it pissed me off. [the agents soon leave, and Cartman walks up to the dim attic with a small book] Shh. Mr. Kitty, you have to live in the attic for now. [drops the book in front of the cat] Here. Write a diary.

[South Park Elementary, day, hallway. Butters stands around while Cartman and Stan visit their lockers. Kyle walks up to them.]

Kyle:

Guys, have you seen Kenny?

Stan:

Nah, I think Kenny's out sick today.

Kyle:

Yeah, and he was out sick yesterday too. Guys... [Cartman and Stan turn to listen] I think Kenny isn't here because he's at home cheesing.

Butters:

Aww, come on. Kenny knows how dangerous cheesing is.

Stan:

Yeah, and where is he gonna find cats anyway? They've been outlawed.

Cartman:

Yeah, who has cats these days? [laughs nervously]

Kyle:

Pot's illegal too, but people still manage to find it. Ever since that first time Kenny cheesed, he hasn't been the same. You've all noticed the change in him. I'll bet Kenny's at home cheesing right now.

[Kenny's hallucination. He's back in the alternate world, this time riding a giant bird, but the landscape is the same - breast shapes are everywhere. Kenny sees the large-breasted woman from his first trip, but now she's strapped onto a rack and is being whipped by three burly men. These men are mutants with four breasts instead of two, and two more breasts on their shoulders. Kenny lands and hops off the bird, finds a metal spear nearby, and launches it. It strikes the middle mutant man through the neck and out the sternum, killing him. The other two run away. Kenny runs to the woman, and she smiles at him. They both ride on the giant bird, with the woman's boobs resting on Kenny's head]

[sits up] Mr. Kitty, shhh! [Mr. Kitty meows a 3rd time] Damn it! [gets up and leaves the bed. A small door to the attic opens and Cartman pops in with a candle. Mr. Kitty is nearby] Shhh, Mr. Kitty you have to be quiet, or else they're gonna find you. [Mr. Kitty goes to a window and meows. Cartman follows him to the window] What?! [looks out a half-moon window and sees a cat, it meows] It's the neighbor cat. He hasn't been caught yet. [Mr. Kitty meows] No- no, Mr. Kitty. I know you like Rufus, but he has to fend for himself. [Mr. Kitty meows] I can't hide anymore cats, Mr. Kitty. [crosses his arms] I'm in trouble enough as it is. [Mr. Kitty paws at Cartman] All right, all right, fine. [heads to the attic door and goes downstairs, closing the door behind him]

[Cartman's house, outside. Cartman appears around a corner dressed in overcoat and fedora]

Cartman:

[whispers and motions] All right. Come on, Rufus. Quietly. [two kittens walk up next to Rufus] Oh jeez, no, no, I can't hide you all. [they all look at him sadly, one of them meows] I'm sorry, you'll just have to find somewhere else to- [the cats lower their head further while focusing on Cartman, Cartman starts to have tears in his eyes] Well, I suppose I'll get in just as much trouble for four cats as for two. Come on. [turns and leaves]

[Kyle's house, day, Kyle's room. Sheila enters with folded clothes, walks to Kyle's dresser, and starts putting his clothes away. After putting away a pair of briefs she spots a cat hidden between his shirts and his briefs]

Then why did your mother find this [holds up a bag of contraband - the cat] in your dresser drawer?!

Kyle:

[holds his hands out in denial] All right, look, th-that isn't mine. I'm just holding it for a friend.

Sheila:

[pointing] Don't lie to us, Kyle!

Gerald:

How long have you been on the cheese?!

Kyle:

I'm not cheesing. I've never cheesed once in my life.

Gerald:

Get up to your room right now until your mother and I figure out how to deal with this!

Kyle:

Dad, will you just listen to me for a second?

Gerald:

Now, Kyle!

Kyle:

God! [goes upstairs]

Sheila:

Gerald, what are we gonna do? Our son is a cat pee addict!

Gerald:

First thing is we've gotta dispose of this!

Sheila:

What are you gonna do?

Gerald:

I'd better just... take it down to the basement for now, m-make sure Kyle can't find it. [heads off]

[The basement. The door opens and Gerald enters. He locks the door and goes down a few steps, then looks at the cat.]

Gerald:

[showing a weakness of some sort] No. No, what am I thinking? I shouldn't do this. [continues down the steps] I've been clean for ten... years. I haven't even been near a cat. [getting dramatic] But then that report said our kids were doing it too, and... and I knew Kyle would have the same sicknesses I used to have... Now a cat is in our home, and it's too tempting. [approaches a contraption similar to the one Cartman made, but this one has a movie projector and screen. He takes the cat out of the bag and straps it into the contraption] I... I'll just do it one more time. [ties the cat's tail to the roof of the contraption's frame so there's no obstruction] One. Last. Time. [unfurls the screen] Then I'll call the police; have them pick up the cat. [moves a large empty box aside] And then I'll never do it again. [kneels down at the table and grabs the projector's trigger] After this one... last... time... [click. The projector begins to roll and a cat appears onscreen. The cat in the harness gets excited and begins to snarl. It finally squirts and Gerald stumbles backward a bit. He walks backward and freezes, his eyes unfocused]

[Gerald's hallucination. He enters the same alternate universe Kenny has been in, but he's flying a B-17 bomber called Jewish Princess. He lands on the same desert planet Kenny landed on earlier. He gets off the plane and is greeted by the large-breasted woman]

I've already taken in the Andersons' cats, and the Willinskys'. There's simply nothinng else I can- [his weakness comes through as the cat gazes at him] Then again... perhaps I could find space for just this one more...

Woman:

[hands him Nishka, Cartman takes Nishka and pets her] Oh, you show such kindness in such darkest of times. [begins to sob. Cartman joins her]

[Cartman's attic, or secret annex. Cartman opens the door and is about to drop Nishka in when something catches his attention]

Cartman:

What the hell? [Kenny has somehow found the cats and is squeezing them to get cheesed. His face and parka are covered with concentrated piss. He grabs another cat and cheeses some more] Kenny, get out of here!

They're innocent victims in this, Kyle! They have to hide or they'll be put to death! Something you just can't understand! [crosses his arms and looks away. Stan opens his mouth in shock, Kyle looks angrily at Cartman]

Stan:

Come on, we've gotta find Kenny before he hurts himself.

Kyle:

I can't. My dad grounded me. Wait a minute, where is my dad?

[The huge Steamline building the large-breasted woman led Kenny into before. This time, she leads Gerald in.]

Gerald:

Hey everybody. Good to see you again. [Gerald and the woman head for the fountain. They both start undressing.]

Father:

Hold! You cannot yet caress my daughter's awesome boobage!

Gerald:

Huh... how come?

Father:

There is... another suitor. [Kenny walks into view]

Gerald:

What? [sees who it is] Get out of here, kid!

Kenny:

(No, fuck you! She's my girl!)

Gerald:

You're too young for this stuff!

Father:

This must be decided at the Breastriary in Nippopolis! [the woman hides her privates, her father's arm blocks a full view of her breasts]

[The Breastriary. It's built like the Colosseum in Rome, but each level has a different design... made of concrete breasts. The interior too is made of breast-shaped pieces, including a magnificent entrance made of ten massive breasts]

Father:

Now fight for the Loc-Nar trophy! [the camera pans down and left to reveal a golden trophy made of two female statuettes kneeling back to back and holding their arms out. The woman places her breasts on their hands so it looks like the actual trophy is her breasts.]

[The Breastriary floor. Kenny and Gerald face off in a joust on giant ostriches - who also have big breasts. Their lances have protective tips made of a giant breast for each lance. The rivals hold their lances up, bring them down, and charge at each other. They knock each other off the ostriches and the crowd roars. The father, emperor of this place, sits down to enjoy the match. Kenny grabs a sword with a hilt made of a pair of breasts. Gerald grabs a breast-shaped shield and a battle ax with a normal blade on one side and a pair of breasts on the other. They are evenly matched, as neither can gain an advantage over the other.]

[A sand box in a city park, day. Gerald and Kenny are fighting in it, oblivious to the crowd gathering around them. They grunt and punch each other. Kyle, Stan, and Cartman show up and Kyle spots Gerald]

Kyle:

Dad? Dad! What the hell are you doing?!

Jimbo:

They've been goin' at it for a good thirty minutes.

Gerald:

She's mine, you little asshole!

Kenny:

(Get the fuck off of me!)

Sheila:

[arriving] Gerald?!

[A news report. A Channel 4 news reporter stands by]

Reporter:

The key proponent of the cat ban has been charged with cheesing in a public park. Gerald Broflovski is prepared to give a public statement.

Gerald:

I would like to address a personal matter: I have let myself down. And I would first like to apologize to my lovely wife.

Sheila:

Don't touch me.

Gerald:

And to the people of South Park. [a shot of the town square and its citizens] I was wrong, and I can't let cats take the fall anymore. It's our fault. The people who use cats for their sweet urine. [Kenny looks down in shame] We have to learn that cheesing just isn't worth it. Sure, you get to fight in the Breastriary, and swim in the Fountains of Varnov with the Itty Titty Fairies of Mammary Mountain.

Stan:

[puzzled] What the hell is he talking about?

Kyle:

[eyes closed] I have no idea.

Gerald:

And then you fight the Boob Goblin in the Gazongas Cave, and then the girl may thank you for it. But she. Isn't. Real.

Randy:

And you never really get a good look at her naked boobs anyway. [Sharon glares at him.]

Gerald:

Problem is, the more you into that world, the more you need to go. Until you start blowing off all the real people who care about you. [Kenny looks down again]

Kenny:

(Yeah. I guess so.)

Gerald:

Cats aren't the problem. We made cats illegal and and then I cheesed for the first time in ten years. And kids are always gonna find a new way to get high. Like sniffing glue or licking toads, or fermenting feces or huffing paint. You can also look at-

The point is, I was wrong. Its time to legalize cats! [grins wide, then begins to cheer] Heh yeah! Hooray for Gerald! Hey, let's hear it for Gerald! [crowd remains silent]

[South Park, day. The camera drops down and focuses on Scrambles' house. The DEA agents return and gives Scrambles back to his family]

Girl 2's Father:

Scrambles! So good to have you back! You ain't sore at us, are ya? [Scrambles hisses, then scratches the father all over his head. His frightened wife and daughter leave him alone] Ahh! Get him off! [the boys, standing across the street, turn around]

Stan:

I'm sure glad that's over with. [the boys turn left and walk away]

Kenny:

(Me too.)

Cartman:

But you know, we've all learned something, you guys. We can never persecute living beings and force them into hiding. It's wrong. [Kyle stops]

Kyle:

[cross] And you don't see any parallel between that and anything else in history?

Cartman:

[strokes his chin] Mmmmmmmmmm nope. I have no idea what you're talking about, Kyle.

Stan:

You guys! Check it out. [smiles] It's Kenny. [Kenny has crossed the street to reach a flower patch. He picks one out and inhales deeply] Isn't that great? He's just getting high on life.

Kyle:

Yeah. [Kenny begins to grab more flowers with gusto to get more of their aroma. The other boys get worried] He's getting... really high on life. [Kenny begins to snort and grabs all the flowers he can, treating them just as he did the cats earlier.]

Cartman:

Dude, he's getting super-wasted on life.

Kyle:

[runs to Kenny] Kenny! [Stan and Cartman follow. Kenny falls in Kyle's arms, goes into spasms, and then freezes, his eyes unfocused]

Stan:

What the hell kind of flowers are those?

Kyle:

Kenny? Kenny?!

[Kenny is back in the world of his hallucination, back in the modified Thunderbird. He's flying through space with the large-breasted woman at the wheel. Every planet and moon looks like a breast or pair of breasts. The Thunderbird goes into warp and disappears.]