Haha, just kidding. I know how hard it is to stay on task. This chapter is just as good as the others, however, the switch from past tense to present tense messed with my brain a little bit there. Yikes. But keep going! I'm in need of a little bit of plot advancement! I'm begging you!

Hey, sorry it's been a while since I've reviewed (and by the way, thanks for yours). Anyways...

This chapter is quite a bit shorter than the others, but it packs quite a punch, especially at the end. I'm kind of getting the idea that the city is somewhere in Italy, or somewhere a lot like Italy. I don't know. The simile at the very end was pretty funny, although I wouldn't know either from experience. Can't wait to read more!

Ahrar chapter 4 . 5/8/2006

of all, this is great. I really like this story, there's something about it that intrigues me. What really interests me is the woman; who she is, how she ended up with Eddie, etc. (If you weren't thinking of tying up that storyline, by the way, this is a not-so-subtle jab of me insisting that you *do* include said information. Hint, hint.)*Showers with money, cars, and women. Ahd reviews. (Just reviews, actually. Because... I don't have significant quantities of money, cars, or women.)*Unfortunately...I'm afraid you're going to have to edit it so that you don't change from past to present tense in the middle of the chapter, or I'll never be able to read it again without it making my head a , don't make Ahrar's head explode. Blood would probably get on his laptop, and that would be ya, dude._Ahrar

I'm really liking this story. You do a great job of creating the characters without seeming like you're just describing them. Your descriptive paragraphs actually make me want to read more, rather than cause me to skip over them. I also admire your skill at creating worlds that are somewhat like ours but with slight differences. The example that caught my fancy was your mention of "Inquisitors." You don't explain what these are, however, I get a feeling of malevolence...very cool.

Hey man, I like this new thing you're doing. The images you conjour fly straight at me like something out of Sin City...I'm even kinda picturing this black and white. The dialogue is cool, sometimes it seems a tad forced...same with the first person narrative...I like it, but sometimes it seems to be a little out of place. I dunno, maybe it just needs a little tweaking. Anyways, awesome stuff. I wish I had more time to write, but as for now I suppose I will have to do with reading your work. Like the characters so far. The setting seems forced, like the Inquisitors, and the Dukes and Kings and stuff. Like the part of "King Matthew" fell a little flat with me. First of all, who calls a king by his first name (or is that part of the storyline) and secondly, I felt like you shoulda built it up a little more you know? Like monochratic rulers always have tons of titles. So here you could have had Gordo sarcastically calling him "our most high lord, oversearer, and protector, King Whoever the twenty second"...seems to fit with his sarcastic attitude. I do love the characters tho. Jack seems like he's going to be badass cool, and have all sorts of dark part stuff coming back to haunt him, and as for Eddie, I like the whole junky thing...and Serenity, brilliant name. In the following chapters I'd like to learn a little bit more about him, something a little deeping. A past love perhaps, or some tragic incident that turned him to Serenity. I think the character needs some more moral basis...some humanity...something we can connect with as a reader, instead of just drug-hungry crook, which is cool, but it really doesn't make me create an emotional tie with him, like I want him to succeed, or I want him not to get caught...you know? Anywho, its only three chapters thus far, so I'm not saying you haven't thought about it, just adding ideas. If I don't have time to write myself I can at least offer my insight to the most constructive and faithful reviewer I ever had.

eh. the drugged-out thief/hitman line is a bit tired, not to mention the language isn't stellar. the personification of this drug is intriguing, however. keep it going. it has enough potential for interest.