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14 February 2016

I'm Starting a New Religion

Let me run a few ideas past you. Why don’t I start a new
Religion? How easy would it be? Would it help if I grew a beard and looked a
bit more imposing? OK – I’ve grown the beard. Now I’ve got to tell you about
the dream I had the other night when I was visited by an Angel who declared
himself to be a messenger; from God, no less. I bet you’ve never been visited
by an Angel, so listen up!

He told me that I was to be the Apostle of God and he would
be passing me messages about how we should all be running our lives. Right, now
you are listening, aren’t you?! I
mean, that’s impressive that I’m receiving messages from God the Creator. There
can be little doubt that you are going to be believe me and start listening to
what I have to say.

Apparently I don’t have to write any of these messages down;
I can dictate them to someone else, and they can be passed by word of mouth
from one generation to another, but it would be preferable if they could be
finalised by not later than, say, 2321 or thereabouts, by which time a number
of people will have had the time to expound some ideas on how they should be
interpreted, after which the messages (and interpretations and traditions
associated with them) will be committed to digital media, and accepted as the
final Word of God for all eternity.

That sounds OK doesn’t it?

Oh, by the way, I forgot to mention that I have a penchant
for small girls and I intend to see to it that some of God’s messages make it
clear that this is acceptable, even to the extent of marrying one and having
sexual intercourse with her. I’m sure this is something you can quickly skate
over in order to appreciate the greater good in everything else I have to say.
In fact, to make it easier for those of you who are men, I’m giving you
permission to have up to four wives, provided you accept that I can have as
many as I want (because God said I can). Moreover, you’ll be effectively in complete
charge of your wives, and if they misbehave, please feel free to beat them.

This seems a good time to mention that women, generally, are
inferior to men, and in case of any disputes or wrongdoing, a woman’s word is
worth only half that of a man.

In the unlikely event, gentlemen, that you are still feeling
sexually frustrated, you have special dispensation to have sex with female
slaves, or the wives of other nationalities you fight and conquer. I’m sorry, I
had forgotten to mention that it’s OK to own slaves, and on the question of
going to war against other people I’d also forgotten to mention that this is a
useful way of ensuring that everyone else in the world accepts everything I’m
being told by God.

I’m sorry this sounds a bit dictatorial, but I also insist
that if you speak not only against God, but against me as the receiver of His messages, this is Blasphemy in either or
both cases.

Some of you may be wondering about rape, but this shouldn’t
worry you unduly (unless you are a woman) since God gives you permission to
insist on sexual relations with your wife (or wives) so, inside marriage, rape
doesn’t really exist, does it? If she refuses you, she can consider herself
cursed.

This isn’t to say that rape doesn’t exist outside marriage,
because really you men are only entitled to sexual intercourse with however
many wives you have, your female slaves, and the wives of those you conquer.
Outside of those categories, however, you are in trouble, though not as much as
might at first be thought since the woman’s accusatory words are only half the
worth of your own words; so – enjoy!

One of God’s messages to me made it clear that there can be
no compulsion in the acceptance of this Religion I’m giving you, and I expect that
in the future a lot of people of other Faiths who achieve political power will
feel obliged to keep on repeating that the Religion I’m giving you is a “Religion
of Peace”, and it is a good idea for you to let them go on believing that. The
thing is, some of those politicians will have neglected to read a message that
appears much later on in the Series that states clearly you should fight all
the unbelievers until or unless they accept the truths that I’m giving you.

As everyone knows, you should always obey the latest
commandment, even if it contradicts an earlier one. This is called the Law of
Abrogation.

I think it would help you in your compulsory duty to spread
the word by force, to think of these unbelievers as pigs, dogs and apes.
However, it’s OK to appear friendly towards them before you slaughter them,
since much of war (and this is a holy war) is all about lies and deceit.

Finally I would instruct you to pray five times a day,
making sure you wash yourselves first especially (you men) if you have been in
contact with a woman (who is by definition unclean, especially during her menses). I admit these praying instructions don’t actually appear in the
messages given to me by God, but it’s generally a good idea, don’t you think?
So do it, but make sure you do not look upwards as you pray if you don’t want
your eyes to pop out.

All earlier laws and scriptures handed down to other
Faiths are hereby declared false, redundant or both.

- oOo –

APOLOGY: Soon after I
wrote this, I was visited by another angel who whispered in my ear that my
ideas are not new, and they had already been implemented about one and half
thousand years ago.