2011 in Review

by A Guy Who’s Been in a Coma since 1989

Family, friends, gather round, it’s time for my annual tradition of listing off all that happened over the past year!

Or at least this WAS a tradition of mine, for many years, until in 1989 I got hit in the head with a cinder block. (Don’t feel TOO sorry for me, I was robbing a bank at the time)

But now, I’m back. And I’m here to remind you all about the things that went down in 2011. I hope it makes up for my 22-year absence, because 2011 was a good year, I think!

Please excuse me if I’m fuzzy with the details –cinder blocks do tend to have that effect. I barely had time to put this list together so I pretty much just skimmed a few other people’s lists or am learning these things by heresy.

Sincerely, your old pal, whatever my name is! Starts with a D – or an F? Maybe a Q? Narrowed it down to 14 possible letters, folks!

11. A man named Anthony Weiner accidentally “tweeted” (?) a picture of his penis to somebody. I’m laughing out loud! Rita Rudner, do a bit on this, please!

10. Princess Diana’s son got married – cute kid, but a little young...maybe?

9. Charlie Sheen, best known from “Major League”, got fired from the set of something something because he called his boss the J word and accused the studio of J-ing down his contract! I almost feel sorry for the poor kid, he must know he’s never going to live up to his brother’s legacy.

8. Don’t know much about the Kardashians – haven’t been keeping up – but Robert is a lawyer, right? And he’s best friends with O.J. Simpson. It must pay off to be friends with O.J.

7. 2011 was truly the year of the sequel! The biggest blockbusters included “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part II” , “The Hangover: Part II”, “Transformers 3”, “Sherlock Holmes 2”, “Mission Impossible 4”, “Kung Fu Panda 2”, “Pirates of the Caribbean 4” ... none of these movies make any sense to me whatsoever, not knowing the context. Harry Potter is the kid from “Troll”, though, right?

6. In further entertainment news – people are protesting “Wall Street”! C’mon, the movie’s not GREAT, but it’s not THAT BAD. What a year for poor Charlie Sheen.

5. Steve Jobs died – no idea who that is, or what he’s done.

4. A man named Herman Cain tried to run, unsuccessfully, to be the first black President of the United States.

3. Dunno who Justine Bieber is, either, but apparently a woman tried to sue her over making her pregnant? When I was out, they found a way to make two chicks have a baby? Cool.

2. A lot happened in the Middle East and Africa this year. Thumbing down the list of dictators who died in 2011, I don’t know who any of these people are. I don’t know EVERYTHING, okay? Last I checked, didn’t have the means to look them up on any global user-generated free databases, okay! But what I DO know is that after the progress we’ve made here, we gotta get Saddam out of there before we start we start a war in Iraq!

1. R.E.M. broke up. Oh, boo hoo. I for one am tired of these dinky little flash-in-the-pan boy bands making such a fuss about themselves just to get divorced two months later.