I like to tell stories. I ride my bike a lot. I'm always hungry. I
can grow a beard in a week. I was a camp counselor for a million
summers. I play a made-up sport on Sunday afternoons in Prospect
Park. I really hate mayonnaise. I really love scary stories. I try
to make things good and make good things.

For balance, here are some things I'm bad at:
Talking on the phone, pretending to like things that I don't like,
juggling, riding my bike with no hands, getting to work when I
should be getting to work, singing.

The universe, "art", how did I get this subscription to Time Out
NY?, how will I get on The Amazing Race, scary stuff, fonts,
optimal laundry-doing times, HOW DID BRUCE WAYNE GET BACK TO
GOTHAM???, I wish I could sing really well, how much time it will
take to get to where I need to go, who is writing all the
Craigslist missed connections, WHERE IS ALL MY MONEY??, events from
my past, the last episode of Breaking Bad, Vietnamese sandwiches,
how to get my pillow to stay cold on one side always, "big art",
movies that have time travel in them, mumblecore, Louis Theroux,
autobiographical graphic novels, David Berman, rollercoasters, Neil
DeGrasse Tyson's twitter feed, should I eat in or order out?, how
cool and weird it is that we all exist, etc.

You want a cool, honest-to-goodness connection with another human
being. You're a goofball who can be serious. You enjoy a good fart
joke. You laugh easily, often, and out loud. You like sharing the
things you love with people you care about. You can teach me
something weird. You can teach me something useful. You can sing
the Eagles' fight song.

Bonus points if the idea of all-you-can-eat gourmet tacos doesn't
gross you out.