I hope I’m not surrounded by men

I was out to eat a week or so ago and at the table next to us sat a mother, father and two young boys. The mother was dressed nicely — hair coiffed, nice clothes, a gorgeous coat and the appropriate accessories. The father was dressed nicely in a button-down shirt and dressier jeans. The waitress came over to take their orders. As mom and dad explained the dad’s food restrictions to the waitress, I heard mom say “Yes, it does make going out to eat a challenge, which is why we really enjoy it when we do.” The two boys had pulled out their GameBoys, PSP’s or whatever it is kids come equipped with these days, and they proceeded to play. When the waitress left with the table’s orders (after a good 10 minutes, I kid you not), I figured the kids would be told to put their games away.

Nope.

Instead, dad joined in on the portable game system table party, even whipping out his own cell phone and showing his sons a game he just downloaded. This continued throughout their entire meal and not one of the boys payed much attention to her at all. I was absolutely intrigued by the dynamic at this table. The mother had ordered a pilsner and was silently sipping it while watching her family fall deeper into their trio of tech toys. She looked so lonely and I felt so sad for her — on a night she most likely looked forward to, even getting more dressed up because they don’t go out to dinner much — her disappointment and loneliness was almost palpable.

I couldn’t help but wonder what her home life was like. I mean, if this was in public, I just couldn’t fathom how comfortable they might feel ignoring her in the comfort of their own house. I have known a few families where the mother is outnumbered by a husband and sons with no daughters to break up the testosterone takeover. I’ve seen the boys grouping together and the mom feeling a little left out at times. While it might not always be intentional, it’s bound to happen. I’ve talked about how I would prefer a future boyfriend to not have a sisterbefore — but the more I thought about the moms of boyfriends past and MITR (mom in the restaurant) — I’ve decided this is a preference to toss in the garbage.

To be quite (perhaps irrationally) honest, if kids are in my future, I’m terrified to not have a daughter. I didn’t grow up with brothers and even though my cousin was like a brother…he was outnumbered by girls, poor kid. So, I have no idea what I would do if I have a houseful of boys.

49 Responses

Hhhmmmm…I’m wondering if you may have misread her signs. Are you sure she wasn’t enjoying the quiet time with her beer, people watching, while her three “boys” played quietly on their gadgets? Was she staring down at the table with a puss on her face or……. dreamily looking off into space, enjoying the fact that she didn’t hear “mommy!” 10 times in 10 seconds for a bit? As you know, I don’t have children, so I’m guessing here. But I wouldn’t be surprised if I was on the money!

I feel compelled to answer…My husband and I have 2 boys and even our dog is male–it has been great.

I feel bad for my husband who really wants a daughter. In my mind there is nothing like the father/daughter connection and the mother/son connection. My boys adore me–and I think that is really special. Plus, I am really looking forward to when they are older and they go on boys trips all weekend–it is years away but I can taste the freedom–48 hours of Lifetime movies!

Geez, this woman needs to establish some boundaries. My fiance is VERY much into Call of Duty, Halo, and any other extremely violent video games and I fully expect that if we have son(s) one day, there will be times when they are off in their own Xbox land killing zombie Nazis. However, bringing those games to the dinner table is downright rude and my future husband would certainly be in the dog house if this situation arose in a restaurant.

Currently, my fiance and my sister’s boyfriend play games over Xbox and since we live 500 miles away from each other, we text back and forth making fun of our significant others’ riduculous usage of the F word to imaginary video game charachters. It’s fun!

ick- the whole tech/gadget description of your post totally sickens me- hello, there was a time when these gadgets did not exist & I believe a restaurant is not a place for game playing unless your at Jillian’s or chucky cheese. That said, the mom should have put her foot down & the gadgets should have disappeared. do kids go out & play outside anymore???? Geesh, I remember when it was a treat to get to swim at night or play outside in the snow at night……

This woman wasn’t sad because she was surrounded by men. She was sad because she was surrounded by jerks. My wife grew up with 2 sisters and we have 2 boys. Our sons adore her and would never ignore her at the dinner table or anywhere else. I always tease her about having to live in a fraternity house now and having to learn to love sports and ESPN. But she has also taught our sons to love cooking, reading and music. She wouldn’t have it any other way.

I would have been nice for the husband to talk to the wife for at least part of the time, and let the kids play their games if thats what it takes to keep them behaving.

Not to excuse Dad, but even if he doesn’t get to spend that much time with his boys he still needs to balance his available time with his wife. It sets a good example to his sons on how to treat a woman and show respect to those you love.

Amanda, at any point during dinner did you pay attention to the people you were with? ha ha

‘ However, bringing those games to the dinner table is downright rude and my future husband would certainly be in the dog house if this situation arose in a restaurant.’ – Jaci, that’s not a bad place to be…I hear the doghouse as a Wii.

I do find it unfortunate that today’s parents seem to take the easy way out. Shouldn’t dining out be a learning experience for the child? Talking to the server, please, thank you, napkin, utensils, conversation, etc, etc? I was at applebees once, saw a mom, dad and son dining… son had a portable DVD player and watched a movie the entire meal. Sure it’s cheaper then a sitter but really? Involve your child.

Emily Lee — What they were wearing and the fact that I heard the mother say they enjoy the times they actually go out to eat tells me that this might be a special occasion — so they get a little more gussied up, even more reason for the children and father to put away their gadgets.

No, they weren’t disturbing me or other diners. That isn’t the point or focus of this post — this is just what I observed.

Boys, girls, kids, parents, dates,… this is irrelevant. I’m saddened that a family/couple/friends can’t have dinner together, whether it’s at home or out, without the accompaniment of an electronic device – cell phones included. Call me traditional, but in my small world, that would never be allowed. Of course they have nothing to say to each other, they probably rarely communicate with each other verbally.

Sounds like bad parents. You teach your kids how to act and unfortunately these parents have created two children with zero social skills. These children will have no issue texting or playing videogames during classes due to the lack of parenting. The mother is probably sitting there wondering to herself where she went wrong

I think the thing that strikes me most is that the parents aren’t talking. That is the most difficult balance about going out to eat with children. If the kids are occupied my husband and I are talking.
Secondly is that the games didn’t go away when the food came out. (At 2 my daughter knows that the toys and coloring books go away when the meal is served.)

Amanda, you may surprise yourself. I am a “girly girl” from a very female-dominated family and I ended up marrying a man from a big family with no sisters and very few female cousins. We only have sons and, as much as I always expected to and would have liked to have had a daughter, I really enjoy my boys. Boys really do love their moms. I also think that being their mom gives me a chance to help raise some kind, strong, principled men for the world.

All that said, it stinks to be in a male-dominated extended family- for a lot of reasons. I wouldn’t eliminate a guy on that basis but a man who has grown up around more women would get more points in my book. I didn’t think that way when I first met my husband but I do now. It may just be my in-laws, but I think most families would benefit from a more balanced perspective. 🙂

Similar to someone spending most of the night on their phone texting their friends. Unfortunately people can get too caught up in technology and forget to connect with others in the real world. One of my favorite lines:

No the post is about your using sweeping generalizations to form a diagnosis/prescription for a pity party for this random stranger you saw in hooters. Since you are a master at unsolicited advice, here’s a dose for you…many families are disconnected these days, you have no idea whether she was content and happy, or drowning in despair. Your observations and commentary are dangerous, I am losing interest in your blog because more and more your social commentary includes more opinions and judgements, than I and me statements. Save the head shrinking to people who went to school and have a clue regarding such matters.

When kids are young, I see no problem with bringing a small activity to keep them occupied. My son is 3 and we will sometimes let him bring something small and quiet but he really doesn’t even need that. As long as I have some pen and paper in my purse, he’s fine. Video games will NEVER be brought to the table.
I went to lunch one time with my mom and younger sister last year (she was 13) and she brought her Nintendo DS with her. I knew my mom was going to let her bring it in (she always does). As soon as we got out of the car, I told her to put it back. You should’ve seen the look she gave me…it was like I was depriving her of air. My mom tried to tell me it kept her occupied while waiting for the food to come. I told them I didn’t care. I said she needed to grow up and that it’s rude to bring video games to the table. I also told her if we weren’t good enough to talk to, she should’ve stayed home.

I don’t think Jonathan’s comment even warrants a response, since he appears to be drunk and/or reading the wrong blog.

Anyways, my mom always told us that she was very glad she had two boys and no girls… My brother and I werent exactly terrors growing up, but we got the normal bumps and bruises. But she would hear nightmares from her own brothers and sisters raising my female cousins though.

We were never allowed to use gameboys or play with anything when out to eat, other than the crayons and placemats at Ground Round. I can see why now little kids using the PSP or gameboys for a small period of time makes sense, to hold their attention before the food comes or something, but to use during the entire meal is extremely rude.

My son has a DS…and LOVES it. However – the boundry has been set that he is alotted a certain amount of time to play it each night (depending on the “color” of day that he had in school) and that it is at home. We go out to eat frequently (Hellooooo extracurricular activities 3 nights a week) and the DS does not even come in the car when we leave the house. I get to spend quality time with my kid, teach him how to act respectfully in public, and actually have *gasp* a conversation with him. And he’s 7. STOP THE PRESSES!!!

On the other side – my exhusband and his girlfriend let their children (she has a 7 year old boy too) bring their DS’s whereever they go to “keep them quiet”…they play against each other and are completely in their own little worlds…because my ex and his gf want to be able to “spend time together”. So wrong on so many levels.

I don’t see anything wrong with the gadgets at the table, the gaming at dinner. My family always watched TV together during dinner (I know some people are going to gasp at this). I do, however, feel sorry for mom. I think Amanda’s observation depicted someone who didn’t fit in with the company that she keeps: her family.

My family was pretty disconnected too. Most nights, it was me and my brother playing with my dad while my mom gabbed on the phone, smoking cigarettes. When video games came into the mix, my dad made the attempt to play with us (my brother and I were always better), but my mom didn’t make any attempt, which further pushed her away.

I really think that parents need to take an interest in the things that their kids are interested in. It brings the family closer while encouraging the children to explore things on their terms. Dinner mom should buy herself a portable gaming system…

Maybe she could bet with her kids on who will win… if she wins a game, the kids have to put their systems away for two hours during dinner.

I am the only male in my house,wife and two daughters. I am so glad we don’t have boys and so is my wife. My wife and I went out to eat sat. nite alone for the first time in maybe a year. It was nice to just order for ourselves and eat our own meals without the thats mine ,can I have some of that daddy,be careful you don’t spill that honey. We never let our 11 year old daughter bring any portable games out to dinner with us.
I did notice the table in fornt of us had 4 adults ,looked like maybe a set of parents and maybe there daughter or son with a boyfriend or girlfriend. The one girl in maybe her 20’s had her cell phone going the whole time. I saw her boyfriend try to close it, but she was having nothing to do with that.
For us it was a great night of people watching and no kids ,no cell phones.. Keep the tech stuff in your pocket and learn to communcate with words..

I really don’t think that the disconnection of families in the year 2010 is going to be solved by mom rockin’ her own baby pink, swarovski studded psp or ds.

I think this family needs to find something constructive as an alternative to constant gaming. Or breed boys who have little to no communication skills and a horrendous lack of respect for any woman who tries to set boundries with them.

‘I am losing interest in your blog because more and more your social commentary includes more opinions and judgements, than I and me statements.’ – I disagree, buddy. No one talks about herself more than Amanda Talar, NO ONE!

Let’s not forget the timeless classic, ‘I wonder who’s on a first date?’ – love that game.

We were out to dinner on Sat night and the couple near us were probably on thier second meeting. She was on glass of something number two and loudly said “I felt I’ve known you forever the first time we met” His response “Really?” (quietly) Thinking that might have been last date.

I don’t care who owns the kids, I would not sit at any table with kids playing video games. I would tell the kids and their parents that it’s rude. I would rather have kids playing with pizza dough at the table than watching video games rotten their brain. Call me old school whatever; when I was a kid at any dinner table we would play a game call round table. This is where each person talks about their day till the conversation goes around the table.

You start training the kids when they are little that there is NO electronics at the dinner table. I look at the news with my 16 year old son and we have intelligent conversations, and he CANNOT bring his cell phone to the dinner table!
I guess the trick here is having a spouse that agrees with you on enforcing the rules. There is so much evidence out there now that kids benefit from FAMILY DINNER time!

Oh Andrea, that game is FUN! I was at the Sports Grill in East Greenbush a few months ago with my mom and fiance and my mom and I definitely spotted a first date couple a few tables over. We made up a whole story about each person and how the two met, etc. My fiance thought we were nuts.

Your view on this is very insightful. I don’t particularly think she was enjoying the quiet of her beer, and I agree that she likely felt outnumbered and ignored. The games don’t help. Really, often one parent is cut out when the other is there, and it’s generally the mom, left to watch the boys go and do their boy fun. She was trying to look pretty for her dudes, and they ignored her and failed to see that the event was supposed to bring the family closer, and I expect the woman felt pretty sad in her heart. Mom’s are the rules keepers, Dads are fun fun. The reality of being a mom is harsh.

I had a friend text me that he was at Starbucks and was sitting near a couple that sounded like they were breaking up. I quickly changed plans and joined him. By the time I got there she was in full on tears and saying that she can change… I would not have been able to get see this if not for my friend using “gadgets” at the “table…”

Letting the kids play/watch vid is the easy way out…won’t say it’s never been done with the Crown Prince (but oh so rarely). He doesn’t have a lot of patience, but I discovered a game he really liked at Chili’s. We all got one of the Sam Adams coasters they leave out and “discovered” all the words that could be created out of chunks of the text. Kept him well occupied and engaged with us and it was something different.