87% of 9 year olds think ‘fucking caravan’ is correct expression

A survey of children who had been on long journeys in the family car over the half term break has revealed that 87% of nine year olds think ‘fucking caravan’ is the correct technical expression.

Over 80% also believed that ‘typical man’ and ‘useless woman’ were correct, although there was disagreement over whether taxi drivers or cyclists thought they owned the bleeding road.

While most respondents neither knew nor cared about the origin of the caravan description, a significant minority remembered being woken up by their parents’ activities while on caravan holidays when younger and attributed it to that.

The question about whom their father had the biggest argument with over half term yielded an unexpected result, with the answer ‘mother’ coming only third. The runner up was last year’s winner, the sat nav, with the self service checkout taking first place and some well-aimed kicks. Seventeen different men have all claimed first use of ‘unexpected boot in the scanning area’.

The F word turned up again when kids were asked the names of radio DJs, with Steve Fucking Wright coming top for the second year running, followed by Too Fucking Right, which was the answer apparently given most often to the question: ‘Would you like to listen to something else then?’ The most common follow up to this answer was: ‘But not Michael Effing Bublé,’ which gave ‘effing’ its highest placing in the survey. ‘Gordon Bennett’ had its worst showing in the survey's history.

When one researcher attempted to follow up the findings by telephoning representative kids, her first call was met with: ‘I’ll have you know I’m no ordinary kid; you can tell whose side of the family I take after. I’ll be with you in a minute; I just need to close down this arsing bollocking heap of junk computer for my senile twat dad before he throws it out of the window.’

Master Moptop, forced to keep a holiday diary at the age of seven (previous summers demonstrated that during the school hols he completely forgot how to read or write) asked how to spell the word 'Hello.'

'H.E.L.L."

The young chap screamed. "Argh! I've got a swear in my holiday diary!"

Brilliant - I said it on the other caravan story, but surely this can outdo the BMW drivers? Oh - my neighbours once explained to their 6-year-old and his brother why swearing was wrong after hearing him utter a torrent of abuse. Patiently and carefully they discussed the matter with him, giving him the respect of listening to his views and calmly underlining their own suggestions... then they praised him for listening so well and sent him and his brother off to play again. "Shall we play football?", said the brother. The 6-year-old replied: "Go and get fucked."