Woman Attacks Store Clerk ‘Vampire-Style’

Twilight’s Breaking Dawn opens in theaters November 18th. In celebration of this mediocre occasion ‘Twihards’ around the country are lining up for tickets weeks in advance, rubbing themselves down with their favorite Robert Pattison poster, and biting convenience store clerks violently on the neck. At least that’s what Denver police encountered on November 7th.

An unidentified woman entered a convenience store last Monday night to pick up some Fritos and bite some strangers. After groping and biting an unsuspecting customer, the woman then took out her vampire frustrations out on a defenseless store clerk. Mesmerized by the woman’s look and cheese puff stained fingertips, the clerk was helpless as the woman reached across the counter and bit into her…hoodie. She left a rather pesky black and blue mark. Quick tip for all aspiring vamps — the jugular needs to be fully exposed in order for you to bite THROUGH the skin. Don’t ask how we know.

Surprisingly enough, the Denver police are baffled by this case considering they have “no pattern of vampires in the area” unlike Transylvania and Bon Temps, Louisiana, which are hotbeds of vampire activity.

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