Ask Suzy

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Wednesday, August 15, 2018

Love & The Art Of Saying No: A journey out of co-dependence, people-pleasing, and over-commitment

And I'd really like to see it published. I truly believe there are a lot of people in the world who will benefit from reading this book. So I set up a campaign on Kickstarter to fund the publishing costs. You can click through to learn more about the book and how to pre-order it through Kickstarter here:

The campaign ends on September 5! If it is not 100% funded by September 5, this book will not be published for a very long time if ever.

I CAN'T DO THIS WITHOUT YOU!

Please check out the link and consider becoming a backer. There are several options where you can go in on a package together with your friends, so consider if you have anyone you'd like to split a package with to get a better deal!

And spread the word! Follow the book's page on Facebook to receive updates on the campaign and publishing timeline.

Sunday, May 13, 2018

"I don't like school, I'm too CREATIVE for regular college, I'm just going to go to culinary school; it's only 1 year and no boring stuff."

"We'll see..."

"Now that culinary school is over, I decided to just enroll in a class or two at the community college because I feel like I'm a little young to stop learning. I'm just gonna take classes that I find interesting though, I'm not actually like, going to college, cuz I'm not gonna do an actual degree program or anything."

"We'll see..."

"So it turns out I just need a few more classes to qualify for an associates' degree. I think I'm gonna go ahead and take them. Why not, you know? But I doubt I'll ever go for a whole bachelor's degree, I don't need it.""We'll see...""I think I want to change careers. That associate's degree automatically qualifies me to enroll in any state college. I'm going to enroll at TWU and get a psych education so I can become a counselor. I have to do grad school for that, not sure I'll make it that far, my grades have never been good enough for scholarships or anything...""We'll see..."Yesterday, I walked the stage to receive my Masters of Arts in Biblical Counseling from Dallas Theological Seminary. So much of my life, whenever I declare something about my future, my mom looks at me with this very specific, infuriating, all-knowing expression on her face of pure skepticism and exaggerated placating and says "We'll see...". I got my husband to catch that very look on camera yesterday when I told her I am DONE with school FOREVER! and I am NEVER GOING BACK!!!! So I could share it here:

I've learned to joke that I have to be careful what I say to her because every time she pops out with her "We'll see..." she makes a liar out of me. The magic of the "We'll see..." is as much in what it isn't as in what it is. What it isn't is an argumentative weight of expectation and pressure wrapped in a package of encouragement, responding to my rash declarations with "don't be silly, of course you will! You're brilliant, and _________ is the only way for you to be successful!""We'll see..." is not discrediting my own control over my future or my choices or my freedom to be correct, to stop right here and head down the path I say I intend to choose. It's not undermining my autonomy.What it also isn't is discouraging pessimism or criticism for either my lack of potential or my lack of ambition. My mom never hears my fears or my self-limitation and reacts with a knee-jerk band-aid of complements, nor salt-in-the-wound of criticism. She is a cornerstone of balance between realism and healthy, genuine belief in her children's capabilities.What "We'll see..." has always meant to me is "I trust you and I will not tell you what you should do, but I believe you can go further than you say you will if you choose to. If you never change your path, I will support you and be proud of you, but if you do I believe you can succeed."It's a subtle suggestion that perhaps I can do more than I think I can; perhaps it wouldn't hurt to try it anyway; and that even if I fail, I won't disappoint her.My parents play different roles in my life (obviously) but if I were a car, my dad would be the suspension and the body; holding me up when I am discouraged and heavy laden, and protecting me. My mom has always been the wheels and the fuel. She has equipped me with her "We'll see..." approach to parenting with the tools to move forward. She has found an impossible balance of encouraging me through truth. She doesn't flood me with nice, sweeping complements about how brilliant her baby is, she just actually, openly, believes I can, and I know she's a smart lady, so I think maybe she knows something I don't know and I start to believe I can, too.But the beauty of "We'll see..." most of all is that it has always told me that my mom believes both that I can and also that I don't have to. Whether I do or I don't has no bearing on her love, support, encouragement, or pride.I hope to some day be a "We'll see..." parent myself, and I wish everyone had the opportunity to be raised by parents with such genuine faith in their kids' capacity that they don't have to pressure them.So on a weekend when my most hard-fought achievement in my entire life fell the day before Mother's day, I think it only appropriate to say Thank You to the best mom ever, and at the moment I hope your "We'll see..." isn't always prophetic, because I REALLY don't feel up to a doctoral program, and you always make a liar out of me. I love you!

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

A couple weeks ago, my husband was paying the toll bill, and I apologized to him that it was much higher than usual because I had taken the toll road several times that month to make sure I wasn't late for class. We are financially fairly comfortable, but we have recently had several car issues, and our budget is pretty tight right now.

His response inspired me to write this.

"Love, it's a lot less expensive for you to take the toll road every day if you need to than for us to pay for you to have to re-take those classes. Especially with how hard that would be on you emotionally. Take it if you need to & we'll finish this semester."

So much wisdom for such a young man. His response to my apology was both rational and incredibly empathetic. I am just 50 days from my last day of graduate school, (I like to think my last day of school ever), and the added pressure of knowing how stressful and complicated it would be for me to drop or flunk a class this semester, pushing back my graduation and forcing me to pay twice for a class, has been extremely difficult.

I feel my husband had every right to be a bit annoyed with me, or to at least appreciate my apology, for spending money outside our budget on something that is technically optional. The degree of thought that had to go in to his response seems to me to have been happening along the way, so that in the moment, he was able to instantly consider my needs and the bigger picture, and just be incredibly understanding of what that expensive little shortcut meant to me.

So I just want to say this. A truly solid, positive relationship- any relationship, not just marriage- is a lot easier when your logic accounts for the less tangible needs of the other in the relationship. It's been 2 weeks and I can't get this interaction out of my head because I realized in that moment that I felt understood, taken care of, and completely safe to care for myself in this high pressure season of life.

If you are in a relationship, give yourself time and opportunity to think about what the other is going through in life outside your time with them. Take the time to empathize and think about how they may be feeling at the end of their workday, or when they haven't gotten to do that thing that makes them feel good in a long time. Just thinking about this stuff when you have a chance will give you the same wisdom in the instant you'll need it someday. And when it does come up, that person will feel so loved by you. 100% worth the effort.

(P.S. This conversation actually happened during the week of our 3rd anniversary, and I just gotta brag and say that my husband is clearly nailing it.)

Saturday, August 12, 2017

I'm aware my choice of title may come across as defensive, but it isn't.I am increasingly aware and deeply troubled by racism.I have witnessed, and been infuriated by, institutional racism, and I have seen white privilege at play. One example that I really hit close to home was in my 9 months counseling at the homeless shelter, I saw white men barely sober a few months given opportunity after opportunity, regarded as tragic stories of unfulfilled potential, while black men 10 years sober with proven work ethic were overlooked because they were treated as though their history was a reflection of their choices, and ultimately their character.I do not feel that those experiencing white privilege should lose those privileges, I feel that those privileges are a model for what should be available to everyone. Every person should be seen for the potential they have yet to fulfill.But as I awaken to the breadth and extent of racism that continues to be present in our culture, I am horrified to realize that the position I am in at this point is that of bystander.The role I have been playing in this conversation has been too close to those situations where a murder takes place on a street overlooked by dozens of windows, where nobody called the police, and nobody came to help.I am really sorry.We all hear stories of that sort of thing happening and think "if I had been there I would have helped!" But here so many of us are, watching through the window or drowning out the ruckus, thinking "Well, I'm not the one committing the crime, and I'm not the victim, so what could I possibly do about it? I'm sure someone else better qualified will come along and intervene."I do not want to be that. I am repulsed by the thought that I have done that. I am heartbroken for the harm racism is inflicting on my brothers and sisters, an I am horrified at my own apparent complacence about it. It is not enough for me to love you, and to respect you and your background and recognize that you are in no way less valuable than anyone else because of the color of your skin.But I realized, too, that I do not know how best to leverage my white voice to help you. I will not be so arrogant as to believe that I could possibly be in a position to offer a solution to a crime that does not threaten me.The best I can be is a tool or a megaphone in your hands, black friends. I know that some of my role is to speak on your behalf to those too racist to listen to you directly.But beyond that, and I know that there is a lot beyond that, I do not know what to do.So I pose the question to you, in a posture of genuine submission:How best can I back you up?What would you have me do?

Thursday, January 5, 2017

I've been noticing this growing, hard-to-pin-down frustration in myself and many of my friends over the last decade. We like to blame our phase of life for most of it, I think; being busy and over-committed is just a part of young adulthood, isn't it?Here's my take on it, though. The bulk of our frustration stems from one little bitty thing:

(The Maybe Button)

I remember when Facebook was new and events were starting to pick up popularity, we all thought this was such a great thing! It was this polite way to RSVP when we weren't sure if we'd be able to make it; rather than turning down something we wanted to do because we couldn't make a solid commitment, or saying "yes" to save our spot but looking like a flake when it didn't work out, we had this awesome way to show our intentions! The invitation, the event, and in turn its sender are important to us, we desire to attend, but we are also not flakes, and wouldn't dare insult you by committing only to stand you up.

In reality, how this option has played out over the last 10+ years is that we're simultaneously incapable of fully committing to ANYTHING and OVERcommitted!

To quote my brilliant husband, "It's weird how our sincere efforts to be as nice as possible result in a lot of frustration and exhaustion"

That's exactly what has happened. And it's not just those of us making these wishy-washy non-committments who are affected. It's exhausting to give or receive "Maybe."

There are jokes that maybe means no (except about 30% of the time when it really means maybe), and No is the new "Screw You."

So there's this new passive aggressive decibel of communication now where we worry about giving a sincere "no" without leaving a note to explain our reasons, and hoping the reasons we give sound valid enough without coming across as too defensive and therefore insincere, and we worry about giving a solid "yes" because we fear something better, more appealing, more interesting, or with people we like more popping up between the date of RSVP and the actual event. This is called FOMO- Fear Of Missing Out.

We didn't have FOMO nearly as much back when things either popped up spontaneously through word of mouth invitations at work or school, or long-in-advance mailed paper invitations with enough time to account for the post office both ways, and RSVP cards with only TWO options!

So because we are all both the initiators and the respondents to invitations in this generation, we find ourselves exhausted. We're overwhelmed with options, events, hundreds and thousands of "friends" at our fingertips, all making us feel like we should feel more connected with all these options, yet feeling just busy and unknown.

Then there's that other, really big part of the frustration. We constantly feel like everyone we are connected with also has FOMO, and we in turn feel as though we are endlessly fighting to win a contest against an unknown number of people and passions for our friends' time and energy.

This can make us wonderif that "maybe" is our friend hoping something better than us could still come along, if perhaps we are the backup plan, the last resort. It can also make us feel like we didn't "make the cut" whenever someone turns that maybe into a no for anything less than a funeral.

Then there's just matters of courtesy. That darn Maybe button has caused us to feel completely at ease to not decide WHAT we're going to do until the last moment, sometimes even after the event has started if it's acceptable to show up late. What a chaotic existence! We've been acculturated to believe that this is a LUXURY! We've learned the delusion that not having to know what we're doing next week, tomorrow, even later tonight is empowering us against our constant feelings of busy-ness and overcommitment.

Well I'm here to tell you that we are NOT empowering ourselves or anyone else when we say Maybe.

We aren't being kind, or polite, softening the blow of a rejection or making someone feel like they matter.

We're telling our friends they're on our list, but we haven't decided how high up yet.

We're leaving them in limbo, rejecting or "maybe-ing" their own friends who fall lower on their list than ourselves until we deign to give them a solid answer.

We're forcing them to pester us and risk annoying us to get a clear confirmation so that they don't figure out when half the day is gone that they've been blown off, and we're robbing them of being able to feel hurt or offended because we never actually committed in the first place.

We are reserving seats in our friends' lives over and over and over, and leaving them empty time after time, only to request another reservation to "make up for it".

...and we need to stop.

WE NEED TO STOP!

We are ALL guilty of participating in both sides of this sick, frustrating, flaky dance and it is ruining our relationships, and metastasizing into every other part of our lives.

So how can we fix this?

"But let your 'Yes' be 'Yes' and your 'No' be 'No'. For whatever is more than these is from the evil one."

I suspect Jesus may have anticipated this Millennial generation and our internet maybes when he said this in Matthew 5:37. And regardless of your religious affiliations or lack thereof, you can't deny that this little chunk of advice is WISDOM.

And as far as I can tell, that really is the answer; think about it- if we stop with the "maybes" and commit to a yes or a no in all things, we can still change our minds, but we will have a better grasp on LIFE!

If we start saying YES or NO, we will realize how many things we try to juggle, how we are becoming over-committed. When we say Maybe, we try to make it to several things just for a bit, and ultimately enjoy none of them- it's like the opening scene of 27 Dresses every dadgum weekend.

And for myself, I would rather receive a 5 solid "No"s in a row and one TRUE "Yes" than 6 "Maybes" and 6 times I can't count on anything.

Monday, July 11, 2016

It seems to me that with the rampant growth of Social Media activity, Slacktivism is also at an all time high. Prior to the upsurge of shared open letters and judgey memes, I think slacktivism was already common in the form of protest. Now stay with me please! I'll explain.

While there's nothing wrong with simply doing these things to make it known which side of a debate you personally identify with (that's why I do it from time to time), I feel like if changing one's profile photo in solidarity or clicking "share" on someone else's well stated opinions is say (generously) 0.5% effective in convincing others to consider alternative perspectives, then showing up for a protest in this decade* is maybe 1% effective, if that.

In this day and age, it's needlessly dangerous to gather large crowds of people representing a specific, often oppressed demographic into a single public space. The best case scenario is that the participants leave safely and feel like they were a part of something important. They haven't changed ANYTHING. They just got to take their opinions out of their computer chair and feel like they've done something.

The alternatives to this scenario are that it creates an opportunity for crazies/radicals/people who simply like to make trouble to turn what may have been intended and initially organized as a peaceful statement into a riot. I don't think protests are organized with the intent or expectation of riots, nor do I think the majority of participants intend to be rowdy, but it's like giving an open call to bring gasoline to a certain place and hoping no arsonists show up. The worst case is scenarios like the events in Dallas that inspired this post, that it's like gathering fish into a barrel with targets on their backs. We may not like to admit it, we may disagree on how to label it, but we live in a world where people senselessly take lives en masse, particularly when it will create a media frenzy.

And for what? So people watching will know a cause is important?

Frankly, we do have internet now. We can make our numbers felt through petitions etc with as much efficacy and none of the risk.

Even so, I believe that none of these measures will make much real difference to whatever the problem.

So what will?

DO.

The only way to fix a corrupt system is to do so from the INSIDE.

Do you believe that the United States Police forces are corrupt &/or full of racist people you don't trust to carry a gun?

Then BECOME A POLICE OFFICER and don't be racist, corrupt, or trigger happy. Too old? Encourage your children, or your grandchildren, or your nieces, nephews, friends' kids, to grow up to work in law enforcement, and not to be racist. Donate funds or organize classes for your city to educate current law enforcement in sociology and racial studies. Organize events that can encourage positive interactions and experiences between members of oppressed people groups and their oppressors, so that officers have an opportunity to genuinely rewrite the script in their minds by way of positive, genuine personal experience.

The only way we can fix a corrupted population of people is to flood it with good people.

Do you believe some of the tragic shooting incidents involving police were exacerbated by people refusing to listen or comply to orders given by an authority?

Then teach your children to respect authority figures. MODEL that respect by respecting them yourself. If you are of a demographic which is categorically socialized not to fear the law but to rely on it to protect you, then you better get out of your house, join a big brother/big sister program, and instill that respect into some kids who haven't had that opportunity. If nothing else, teach your children to comply when the person they're disagreeing with has a gun, and then educate them on how to pursue justice after the fact- there are dash cams and body cams, if you feel your rights are being unlawfully infringed upon, DON'T be mouthy and insolent and scream in their face, don't resist, and no matter how right you are, DON'T FIGHT SOMEONE WHO IS ARMED FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE! Get the organizations that would defend you in death to help you defend yourself IN COURT with your heart still beating.

And ALL of you- how about instead of waiting to give money to a fund for the family of someone who dies unjustly, you give money now to a fund for the legal defense team of someone unjustly accused of a crime based on their demographic status?

Are you Pro-Life?

Then put down the picket signs and go prepare your hearts and your homes to adopt kids that are products of rape, or unexpected teen pregnancy, or unwelcome adult pregnancy. Be ready to take in kiddos with birth defects & drug addictions. Make space in your homes or financially support organizations that provide housing for girls who are kicked out of their homes for being pregnant. Organize clinics and meetings where families can be counseled through the challenges of unexpected pregnancy and learn forgiveness, acceptance, and supporting their own.

The only way we can change our culture is to create a safe, welcoming place for the children of unwanted pregnancies.

Are you Pro-choice in part because you believe the foster system is so corrupt and full of greedy, neglectful people that you think it would be better in the long run to abort a child than to risk subjecting it to such a life?

Then get trained, open your homes, and become good foster parents. You're smart enough and good enough to identify a problem exists, so be smart enough and good enough to do something about it.

The only way to fix a corrupt system is to flood it with good people.

Are you sick of voting for the lesser of two evils, but you do it anyway because you feel your vote will be wasted if you don't vote for one of the front runners?

Then become a politician and don't be corrupt. Raise your children to have an interest and understanding of politics, and teach them not to be corrupt. Most of all, get involved at the lowest levels- those people running for higher office have been climbing the ladder for a long time. If you pay attention to mayoral and governor elections, local politics and congress, we could, hypothetically, begin to weed out the baddies before they ever start climbing.

The only way to bring about change is to stop doing things as they've always been done. If you think there's any other way than this, you are living the definition of insanity.

I could go on and on with examples such as homelessness, poverty, water poverty, drug addiction, etc- in fact some of these are my own personal pet causes, but you should get the idea by now.

The when a corruption is systemic, it's not just this giant crap factory that you can only either yell at pointlessly, burn down completely, or just accept.

The difference between that which is corrupt and that which is not is the proportion of non-corrupt individuals to those who are corrupt inside that system. It ultimately comes down to a tip of the scales. And the only way to change which way a scale tips is to add weight to the side you prefer.

So are you tired of the world as it is? Wishing for change? Discouraged? Then DO. You don't have to stop all the reposts and demonstrations, but back them up. And if you must demonstrate, please be wise, be safe, and don't be afraid to leave if it gets ugly.

*I am not denying the efficacy of protest as a real society changing tool at various times in history- I am saying we have outgrown its efficacy. It's not a good method for this generation.

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Dear Suzy,I love pumpkin flavored things, so of course this is my favorite season! Still, I find that after more years than I'll own of eating all the traditional fall desserts, I am sick of classic pumpkin pie! I know it's a terrible thing for a pumpkin lover such as myself to say, but I just think it could be... jazzed up a bit, don't you? I'd ask for a pumpkin cheesecake recipe, but cheesecake is so very heavy! What can I make this year to spice things up?

Pumpkin'd Out,

Mrs. Spratt

Dear Mrs. Spratt,

I have the perfect recipe for you! It's called "Chai Cheesecake Pumpkin Pie" and it's one of my original recipes.

This pie can be and has been multiplied to serve large groups.

This is a hotel pan serving about 40.

It has everything you love about pumpkin cheesecake without being quite so heavy. It does include both weight measurements and volume measurements, so a scale is useful. If you don't have a scale, there are some excellent weight-to-volume converters on google to help you convert it easily. I really like this one. I hope you enjoy! I encourage all of my readers who try this recipe to post photos of their results in the comments- I love to see them!

Instructions:- First combine sugar and corn starch in a sifter/strainer, sift into a mixer bowl and mix well
- Add soft cream cheese and mix at medium power.
- Scrape whole bowl and mix again
- Scrape whole bowl and mix again
- Scrape whole bowl and mix again (seriously all 3 times, it's super important- trust me!)
- Scrape bowl well and add sour cream
- Mix @ half power
- Scrape bowl well- Add chai spices and pumpkin puree and mix
- Scrape bowl completely and mix again
- Add eggs one at a time while mixing
- Add evaporated milk and vanilla while mixing
- Pulverize the crackers into crumbs
- Melt butter
- Pour sugar and butter into crumbs and mix well
- Smooth crust mix into two pie pans
- Par bake crusts for 5 minutes at 325
- Pour filling into crusts
- Place pans into a cookie sheet and place the cookie sheet into the oven (preheated at 325)
- Pour hot water from a pitcher or liquid measuring cup into cookie sheet so that shallow water covers the whole surface without splashing into the pies
- Bake pies until just barely jiggley in the center
- Pull out pies, leave cookie sheet
- When oven is cooled, remove pan of water
- Cool pies for about an hour, chill overnight.You may be wondering why on earth you need to scrape the bowl so many times. Simply, the biggest difference between a perfect cream cheese dessert (particularly cheesecake) and an... amateur one... is that a perfect cream cheese dessert has no spots, specks, chunks or blobs of white when you cut into it. The more you scrape and re-mix, the more likely you are to have it come out perfect. Especially with a pumpkin pie with orange filling, those white specks of cream cheese are nobody's friend.