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GLENNON
DOYLE

Finally, the Right Job Description for Parenting

August 15, 2016

I think the warrior is one who has the right job description for parenting.

The warrior parent knows that it is not her job, nor her right, to protect her child from pain. Her job is to direct her child toward her own warrior path—to point to the pain and say: Do not be afraid. You are hardwired to not only survive that pain but to find your wholeness and purpose there. Let’s go, baby. We can do hard things. And then to walk her through her pain again and again—head held high, mind and heart and eyes wide open—so that when she’s gone, her baby can walk her path without her.

The warrior parent allows her child to be a warrior.

This is What Brave Means

Originally published September 2014

From my inbox:

Dear G,

Help. I can’t figure this out…..

Imagine a bunch of adults who adore their kids and grandkids are sitting in a boat while 2 nine-year-old cousins (boy and girl – 18 days apart in age) are on a cliff, contemplating jumping into the lake below. All the voices from the boat are yelling to the cousins, “You are so brave! Be brave! You can do this! Be brave!” They yell this again and again and over and over and louder and louder until the kids jump.

This does not sound like the same ‘brave’ that I couple with ‘kind’ and run my house by (thanks to you:). So what the hell is it???? What is this thing we keep calling ‘brave’ and what happens when you climb back down the cliff and swim to the boat??

Brave is not succumbing to scary crap, is it? Isn’t it also brave to simply consider the leap? WHAT IS BRAVE?

Seeking the ‘G spin’ to make it all make sense.

Love,
Courtney

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Dear Courtney,

I recently took my daughters to one of those mall pagodas to get their ears pierced. When it was our turn, my younger daughter took a deep breath, climbed into the chair, closed her eyes and said, “Okay! I’m ready!”

The piercer smiled and laughed and several onlookers said, “Look at her! So brave! That little one is so brave!” When her little sister hopped off the chair, my older daughter hung back, eyes wide, arm around my leg. Everyone looked at her expectantly and the piercer waved her over, but she stood still and said in a small voice, “I changed my mind. I’m not ready today.”

Before I could speak, the well-meaning piercer said, “Sure you are, sweetie! Be brave! Your little sister did it! It doesn’t hurt at all!” Tish’s grasp on my leg tightened and I flashed hot red inside. I knelt down to Tish and said, “Wow. That is SO BRAVE, honey. Even though all these people are here and want you to do this to your ears– you listened to yourself instead of to them. I am so proud of you. Trusting yourself to make decisions about your own body is so brave. You are BRAVE, Tish, in your way. Just like Amma is brave in her way. Let’s go. You’ll know when you’re ready. I trust you to know.”

We have to teach our children (and ourselves) that caution is often a sign of courage. That often NO is as brave an answer as YES. Because the little girl who says no in the face of pressure to pierce her ears or jump off a cliff might become a bigger girl who says no in the face of pressure to bong a beer or bully a peer. Whether her answer is YES OR NO- give me a little girl who goes against the grain, who pleases her own internal voice before pleasing others. Give me that girl so I can call her BRAVE loudly and proudly in front of the whole world. Give me a girl who has the wisdom to listen to her OWN voice and the courage to SPEAK IT OUT LOUD. Even if it disappoints others. Especially then.

As my little brave Tish said to me the other day in the car, “Mom, how come everyone says YOLO to try to get people to do dangerous stuff? How ‘bout be SAFE because YOLO???? You Only Live Once, so try not to get yourself dead so soon.” (Tao Of Tentative Tish right there, yes ma’am. BRAVE.)

I’m with you, Courtney. If we are going to tell our kids to be brave, we must also tell them what brave means. Over time I have come to believe that brave does not mean what we think it does. It does not mean “being afraid and doing it anyway.” Nope. Brave means listening to the still small voice inside and DOING AS IT SAYS. Regardless of what the rest of the world is saying. Brave implies WISDOM. Brave people are not simply those who JUMP every time. They do not necessarily “do it anyway.” Brave people block out all the yelling voices and listen to the deepest voice inside the quietest, stillest place in their heart. If that voice says JUMP, they jump. And if that voice says TURN AROUND – they turn around, and they hold their head high. Often the one who turns around shows GREAT BRAVERY, because she has been true to herself even in the face of pressure to ignore her still, small voice and perform for the crowd.

Brave is VERY SPECIFIC and EXTREMELY personal. It can’t be judged by people on the outside. Just can’t. Sometimes brave means letting everyone else think you’re a coward. Sometimes brave is letting everyone else down but yourself. Amma’s brave is often: loud and GO FOR IT and Tish’s brave is often: quiet and wait for it. They are both BRAVE GIRLS. Because each is true to herself.

Brave people only answer to ONE voice and that is the voice that arises within. Brave people are just people who trust themselves more than they trust the crowd.

Brave is: To Thine Own Self Be True. And Brave parents say: I trust you, little one – to Be Still and Know. I’ll back you up.

29 Comments

There is a difference between noise and pressure from those who don’t have our best interest at heart vs trusted advice from those we love (our mother telling us it’s ok to endure a few seconds of pain to have our ears pierced). While autonomy is important, it takes a wise mother to know when to push and when not to. Allowing a small child to turn away from fears (when we know as adults these fears aren’t as monumental as the child believes) can be damaging. One may view this as the parent reinforcing that she shouldn’t trust in your advice to recommend her ears be pierced by allowing her to bow out of a simple and quick procedure that would most certainly give her joy once she had her bright new earrings in. Food for thought. You brought her to this place. Now is she wondering if mom has it within her to put her in a dangerous position? We want our kids to develop the skills to dicipher which advice is worth trusting during tough decisions. And which is not—in this example trusting the shoplady or mom or myself. Yes, the shop lady is a Stranger, but mom is not. And both think I should have my ears pierced. . .. Sometimes our innermost voice just doesn’t have the answer and mom can be trusted and mom wouldn’t bring me to a dangerous place and have a stranger hurt me. Or would she?

I so want to nurture this kind of bravery in my three young children. I so want to nurture it in myself! Do you guys ever catch yourselves wanting to hush up their inner voice. I do. Sometimes my need to be polite and socially appropriate outweighs my ability to hear and encourage them to honor that inner voice. I’m aware of it and I’m getting better at it. The funny thing is the more I honor their inner voices, the more able I am to hear my own. Thanks for the good example Glennon. 🙂

Great points here! We named our son Leo because the lion is a symbol of courage and we want to raise him to be courageous in the true meaning of the word. Courageous comes from the word “coeur” which means “heart.” To be courageous literally means to follow your heart!

I remember reading this the first time, and I came across it in my inbox just now and wow does it apply!!

My 14yo son just broke up with his gf of 7+ months. DECADES in the teen world, right? We all worried what would happen as they were going off to two different high schools.

We have suspected she’s not always told him the truth about things. Well, he caught her in a lie when a friend showed him a pic online of her out with another guy.

Just as I taught his sister, I told him that he deserved to be treated with respect, just as he treated her. So, my sweet big hearted boy did such a BRAVE thing….and broke up with her.

I know that love in a young teen is different that what my husband and I have. But we honor it. And even though it hurt, he said he actually felt a little better after. And I told him, just as I did his sister when she broke up with her long term bf for not respecting her, that HE WAS BRAVE and how proud i was of him for respecting himself and expecting others to treat him the way he treats them.

I will say that sometimes, like those of us (ME!) who have anxiety disorder need to feel the fear and do it anyway. It’s made me braver 😉

Yes… being brave can sometimes be viewed as being disobedient and disrespectful. Growing up in a family in which you did as you were told , I struggled with this constantly because being brave and listening to my soul meant getting in trouble.
As I am now a parent of a 13 year old we talk always about listening to her insides first- that she will always show you the way.
Thanks for these words. Each and every day we are all closer to understanding our true selves and can you just imagine if we all lived by that voice inside us… how beautiful the world would be. <3

Love this. My 2 year old refuses to go on a swing, EVER… He’s been once as a baby and hasn’t touch one since.. something so small but big to him.. how brave of him. The fact that at such a young age he trusts himself and won’t let anyone push him into doing it makes me proud. We all need to find our own definition of bravery, even if it means just saying no to the swings!

I very much appreciate this post but still struggle to find the strength to support my brave boy. He is 4 1/2 and has been fighting Leukemia for the past year and he is very brave! Thankfully he is responding well to treatment, but since his hair has grown back and he has energy of any toddler boy – people don’t know he is sick and dealing with so much. He is so brave swallowing medicines day after day, allowing nurses to ‘access’ his port with a large needle for his chemo and lab work and just overall dealing with cancer at such a young age. I tend to loose the strength myself to continue to move forward when he doesn’t want to take his medicines and we bribe him with toys or watching tv. I don’t know what else to do…but thank you for sharing your girls brave moments so that we can all learn from each other. I work to be brave every day to keep up with my son Thank you!

You are incredible. He could do none of that without you! You are brave and you embody selfless love. It’s beyond admirable and every time you have to say “I’m doing this because I love you” as he resists, just know some of us are out here with our invisible hands holding you up! Xoxo

My daughter is heading into 8th grade next week, her final year of of middle school. These 3 years of school are not for the faint of heart and her ‘braveness’ has left me awestruck and inspired. Watching the way she carries herself in the face of bullies and girls trying to grow up too fast has shown me the power of the warrior inside of her. “Brave people are just people who trust themselves more than they trust the crowd” – such beautiful words. Thank you for your wisdom, just what I need to hear this morning!

The other day, my husband was commenting on how we are somehow the hippie parents of his office – homebirthing, cloth diapering, homeschooling, so therefore the hippies. I jokingly told him that my public school teaching mother unwittingly led me to this by teaching me three things: 1. Know all of my options. 2. Don’t do something just because everyone else does it. 3. Work really hard. But most importantly, I said that after spending my whole childhood trying to fit in and do things for the approval of others, I was too old to do things because of what other people might think instead of what was best for me and my family.

I was so grateful to you this morning on my way to work. My five-year old started kindergarten last week and she’s having a hard time. We slowed WAY down this morning and talked it through. I talked. She mostly listened. After years of following your blog and reading your book, I had the words to give her this morning- “You can do hard things. You are brave. You are strong.” I’m not sure that I would have had those words to give to her if you had not given them to me first. From my momma heart to yours, thank you.

G: My special needs baby is starting kindergarten in a few weeks. She is going to be teased and rejected by some. I’m so worried for her. But . . . I’m a warrior, and that means I can teach her how to be one too. I needed that reminder today.

We often talk about the difference between Brave and Stupid and how often we mix those two up. Brave requires you to also be smart about what you are doing. Stupid requires you to listen to others and take their words for it. Be brave, Be smart!

I want to give a shout out to my 14 year old self that did something VERY BRAVE despite huge familial pressure and was hugely punished (mostly with rejection and passive-aggressive snark for decades) for that bravery. I was called rebellious, spiteful and stubborn, but the truth is I was BRAVE, and saying this to you all right here right now is so healing!!! I’ve always been brave, I had it shamed out of me, but it’s coming back.

Wow, Laura W…you just gave me the words to describe some very painful experiences I’ve had; “I’ve always been brave, I had it shamed out of me”. Such an accurate and powerful sentence you wrote. From my heart to yours – THANK YOU! Rock on, sistah!