Wow, what you do to Emily. We credit you with the premature wrinkles, the gray hair (even though she clearly colors it), the indigestion, and that little twitch she occasionally gets over her left eye. Just today, you’ve been awfully busy, wreaking havoc on her inner psyche and her inner circle. We’ve admired all your handiwork. Why in just the six hours she’s been awake, you’ve been front and center. You must be tuckered out. Just look:

This morning, when she burned her hand on the skillet, because she forgot to use the oven mitt to carry that hot sucker over to the sink, the string of obscenities you assembled impressed us all. We don’t think we’ve heard that particular combination come from her lips, and she’s quite the curse-word aficionado. You scared the kids and the dogs and the cat, and word is, even the little hamster was shaking. Well played.

And then the fight with Robbie–classic! Of course he didn’t mean to use all the hot water, leaving her with an ice-cold shower. And though it isn’t really his fault that the rusted-out hot water heater barely holds two minutes of luke-warm water, it was still a great opportunity to spout off a list frustrations not in the least bit related to the situation at hand. Again, we were impressed with the accuracy of your memory; how you remembered that he forgot to get milk two weeks ago and how you weaved that into the fight this morning was pretty sneaky. Then again, sneaky is your middle name.

When she couldn’t find her hair brush this morning because Olivia borrowed it and didn’t return it, the way you snapped at Olivia gave us all goose bumps. We don’t really understand how taking her phone for a week is appropriate discipline, but we always defer to your judgment. Fitting the punishment to the crime is so cliche. Way to think way, way, WAY outside the box. All that matters is that she was wrong, and now, she will have to remember her indiscretion for the next week when she has no phone with which to call Emily for a ride. And she’ll have seriously tangled hair since you also hid the brush. You showed her!

And finally, remember on the way to work, when that car pulled out in front of her as she politely drove the speed limit? When you wailed on the horn and flashed the brights, I’ll bet that rude driver really thought twice about his misdeed. Yes, he might have also thought twice about kicking Emily’s ass, particularly when he gave her the finger. But hey, it’s the principle of the whole matter. So what if you occasionally cause trouble for the girl? You were in the right, and he needed to know it. You go, girl!

So we think you’ve had a busy day, and we’re sure you deserve a break. Take a nap, seriously. Reason and common sense say they’ll take over for the rest of the day. They’re not as exciting, but they’ll do in a pinch. Actually, if you’re ready for retirement, they’re itching for a chance to steer the ship. Of course, we wouldn’t want to stir you up, so you just let us know. You’re the boss.

Anyway, pat yourself on the back for a job well done. Emily has a guilty conscience and a pounding headache. A gold star for you. Now take a back seat.

Please.

Respectfully, The Rest of Emily

P.S. Be sure to say hi to the cousins, Impatience and Judgment! We’re sure we’ll see them soon, too!