College Ethics

Growing up we were all taught certain morals and ethics that we’re supposed to follow throughout our lives. Since college isn’t really real life, we sometimes seem to forget that we our parents taught us and participate in activities that would make Grandma Pearl roll over in her grave. I’d like to get us back in touch with our roots. In part as an effort to prepare for adulthood, but mainly to make ourselves feel better about our alcoholic and whore-like tendencies.

Treat others the way you want to be to be treated. You want people to smoke you out, give you free shots and hook you up with their hot friends, right? Then it should go without saying that you should reciprocate the favor. This is no different than kindergarten and sharing your toys on the play structure, except this time you’re sharing drugs and a sleeping bag to pass out on someone’s floor. Trust me, this is key to college happiness: support your friends in anything and everything they do, including any alcoholic direction they might be heading in. After all, you’d want them to do the same, right?

Love yourself and be confidant in who you are, regardless of how you look. This mainly goes for freshmen, but in theory could be directed towards anyone. In college, for the first time in your life, your mom isn’t doing your grocery shopping for you. You suddenly have unlimited access to beer, dorm food nacho bars, and late night McDonalds runs. If you’re participating in any or all of these activities on a fairly regularly basis you’re going up a jean size or three. Don’t worry though, so is every other fat ass freshmen on your floor, so people will barely notice. Just remember to wear black, suck it in, and remain lying horizontally as much as possible.

Work hard and don’t give up. I know college partying can seem exhausting, but it’s important that you stay dedicated and committed to the cause. This is only the beginning to a long journey ahead of you. Setting goals for yourself may help you stay motivated in your alcoholic career. For example, if you’re getting tired of taking the same six shots of some off-brand Smirnoff, try taking eight or nine. Or maybe try switching to shot-gunning beers or Edward Fortyhands-ing it. There is a plethora of opportunity out there, my friends. Don’t be quitters!

Sharing is caring. Slut it up. If you thought you got around in high school, welcome to the big leagues. People are significantly easier in college than in any other point in their lives, so don’t miss this prime opportunity. As Chelsea Handler has said, “sleeping around is a great way to get to know people.” Not only is this a guaranteed way to remain sexually active throughout college, but it’s also a fool-proof plan to make new friends. #twinning.

Get involved, and be a good sport. Don’t be that kid who sits in the couch corner all night, sipping on a Natty Ice and listening to that blacked out girl complain about her latest nose piercing mishap. Be proactive and get involved. Make the blacked out bitch at least be your beer pong partner, or get a game on quarters going. Hell, you could even start a dance-off if you’re really feeling inspired. Doesn’t matter what you do, just do something. That’s what college is all about! Also participate in everything. This means when someone passed out early, grab a Sharpie and do work.