One day, towards the end of her second week of reception class, I asked my four-year-old daughter what she had had for lunch. "Pasta," she said. "I have pasta every day." Why, I asked, didn't she try something else? There wasn't only pasta on the menu, surely? "Oh no," she said. "There are lots of things. But I always ask for pasta because I can't see the choices. I'm not tall enough to see over the counter, and I'm too scared to ask what they've got because you have to make your choice really quickly …"

The story sounds almost funny when I relate it now, but at the time it almost broke my heart. Here was my youngest daughter, thrown into the maelstrom of school life, too small even to be able to see the different lunch choices on offer. She was all on her own, needing help and (this was the worst of it, in a way) no one around her was even noticing that she needed help. It seemed to sum up all that a parent fears when a child heads off into the big, scary world of school life: they are on their own, they are part of a big crowd, and no one is looking out for them any more in the way that you have always looked out for them. It is independence; and inevitable and important though it might be, there are always going to be sad, difficult and even cruel moments in the process.

I have four children - all at school - and so far I have gone through four primary school starts, two secondary school starts and this September my eldest daughter moves to a new sixth form at a different school from the one she has been at since 11. In my experience, beginning at a new school is never easy - but sometimes, oddly enough, it is easier for the child than it is for the parent. I think it's important to realise that having your child start at a new school is a transition for you just as much as it's a transition for your child - and sometimes, a combination of your own anxieties about it and the anxieties you project onto your child about it, means you suffer even more than they do.

Unfazed

The reality is that kids are resilient, and adaptable. Not always, but very often, they find it relatively easy to cope with change. My friend Alice moved from London to the north–west with her three children, taking them out of their primary in the capital and putting them into a new school where they knew no one. "It was terrifying," she says candidly. "The day I drove them in I remember feeling as sick as a parrot. And they were all sitting there chatting away, not minding a bit. My youngest was only five and I agreed with the school that it would be better to break him in slowly, so I said I'd be back for him at lunchtime for the first few days. But when I arrived the first day he was enjoying it so much he sent me home without him! And it was all plain sailing from there."

As Alice found, starting at a new school - even when it's a start prompted by a move to a different part of the country, into an already-established class - doesn't have to be a drama. Preparation, though, is key: and that means psychological, as well as practical, advance planning. It's crucial to remember that children take their cues from us, their parents - so if we transmit worry and anxiety to them, that's what they'll pick up; their expectations will be worrisome and they'll be waiting for difficulties. If we transmit confidence and give the expectation that we expect the transition to happen smoothly, our children are far more likely to have every hope that will be the case - and, as is so often the way in life, there's a far greater chance that's how it will be.

But practical things do matter. Most schools, primary and secondary, offer "taster days" so children get an idea of what's going to happen in their new surroundings. Make sure you don't miss these sessions; and if your child is joining a new school outside the usual transition points, ask if he or she can have an opportunity to dip in before day one. Sometimes it's possible to have your children move to a new school at the end of the previous term, so they have a few days to get used to it before the holidays - opening up the possibility of finding friends before term starts again.

When it comes to the transition to secondary school, the emphasis is again on how you, as well as your son or daughter, choose to deal with it. Again there will be opportunities to acclimatise before the move; and again, doing all you can to encourage burgeoning friendships will pay dividends.

Secondary complications

Secondary school transition can be more complicated than primary transition, so be prepared. "For my daughter there was almost a honeymoon period - we'd been expecting it to be difficult, but when it happened it was all plain sailing at first," says my friend Sarah, whose daughter started secondary a year ago.

"We were lulled into a sense of false security, because the second half of the first term was a much rougher ride than the first - and in many ways I would say even now, a year on, she's still settling down."

I remember one of my daughters, too, finding life in year 7 and even the start of year 8 quite tough: in many ways it was only in the second half of year 8 that things started to get easier, although since then they have got better and better.

Whether it's primary or secondary school your child is headed for, as far as you can, clear your decks so that, in the early weeks, you have a bit more time in your own life to deal with the extra issues that crop up. A move to a new school is stressful, even for the most confident and carefree child. There will be moments when they will need to talk, or when they will need help with schoolwork, or when they will want you to hear about their new friendships or their difficult new journeys on the bus or train. Be there for them in those moments, it really will make all the difference.

About this article

The perils of starting school

This article was published on
the Guardian website
at 19.01 EDT on Thursday 21 August 2008.
It was last modified at 19.09 EDT on Thursday 21 August 2008.
It was first published at 19.08 EDT on Thursday 21 August 2008.