Tuesday, November 11, 2008

EXCLUSIVE NEWS HEADLINE: Maya Angelou Loses Bar Fight

Woodside, NYCelebrated poet Maya Angelou is in stable condition after engaging in an epic 17-minute bar fight Monday evening. The brawl, which began at PJ McSwaggerty’s Bar/Pub moved out into the street, and ended in a grocery store, nearly a quarter mile away.

Witness, Stan Martin says Angelou “had been mouthing off all night. You could tell she was drunk & looking for trouble.”

Ms Angelou found the trouble she was looking for in the form of retired firefighter Frank “The Punching Expert” Voltagio.

Martin recalls, “Angelou, goes up to Frank and basically starts cursing him out. Calling him ‘a faggot’ and whatnot. Frank says to her, ‘why don’t you sit down before you hurt yourself?’ I guess that really pissed her off, cuz she popped him one! You could hear everyone in the bar suck wind, like as if to say ‘oh no, we’re about to see celebrated poet Maya Angelou get VERY badly beaten here’.”

As it turns out, the patrons were justified in their fears. Vultagio, using his superior size, strength, speed, fighting experience, and unusually jagged knuckle structure, quickly dominated the fight. However, witnesses say Angelou refused to give up easily.

“You ever see the movie Cool Hand Luke?” asks witness Gordon Marsh. “How Wayne Newton [sic] refuses to give up, even though he’s getting punched in the face A LOT? It was like that, only even crazier.”

The rumble soon moved out into the street. At this point Voltagio managed to grab the celebrated poet by her ankles. He swung her around to build momentum, then let go, sending her flying into the brick façade of a Food Emporium.

The fight continued, through the automated doors, into the deli section of the grocery store. There it ended, as quickly as it had begun, when, staggering to her feet after being knocked down yet again, Angelou’s legs finally gave out and she collapsed into a pile of celebrated poet.

“I aint never seen an old lady take that kind of punishment for that long,” Said deli worker and witness Sam Ammedi. “Now I know why the caged bird sings…cuz it’s got serious fuckin balls!”

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