Thursday, May 29, 2008

When you're dreaming with a broken heartThe waking up is the hardest partYou roll outta bed and down on your kneesAnd for the moment you can hardly breatheWondering was he really here?Is he standing in my room?No he's not, 'cause he's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heartThe giving up is the hardest partHe takes you in with your crying eyesThen all at once you have to say goodbyeWondering could you stay my love?Will you wake up by my side?No he can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

Oooooooooohhhhhhhhh

Now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my handDo i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?Baby won't you get them if i did?No you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heartThe waking up is the hardest part

Friday, March 21, 2008

I know I haven't posted in a while (a year or so?) but I did want to share this experience. It is kind of long but worth reading imo.

Weekend 15/16 – Written Sunday night 11:30pm

So yet again it’s a Saturday and I’m not doing much. Priscilla called me around 12pm and I was still sleeping; she asked me to go have brunch with her and I, without knowledge of what time it was, told her “yeah let’s go at 3” and she goes “oh my god, at three!? I’m starving!”. So I was like… ok it must be early in the morning, lol. We settled for 1:30pm. I tried going back to sleep but I couldn’t so I just got up and went to take a shower. While I was on the way to the shower I saw Shannon coming back from hockey practice, she looked so tired; they must be working so hard to win that championship plus I heard if they win next Friday’s game they are finalists and if they win the second game they win the national championship. That would be division 3 national champions, something that has never been done at Mville. I’ve always kind of wanted something like that, so that I can brag about it hehehe.

Well, I went to brunch with Priscilla and met up with JFo there, she didn’t have a place to sit so I offered her a spot in our table. I wasn’t very hungry so I had two fried eggs and two toasts with grape juice. I guess that opened up my appetite and then I had a sandwich, bacon egg and cheese in a toasted bagel. And yes, more grape juice, I will be pissing my life off today by going to the bathroom so much.

I got a very interesting message today on a certain website. I usually don’t check this site as the quality of perverted/old men is at a high rate but for some reason I decided to login today. This very cute guy, gray/blue eyes, light thin hair and gorgeous smile messaged me. It says in his profile that he is from Belgium so he must be visiting NY either for business or pleasure. It also says that he is 32, so he must be either lying about his age or I’m a fool because he damn well looks 26-28 to me. Very good looking guy, but unfortunately he is only staying until Wednesday and I have this week full of things to do. I was working Sunday-Friday 4-7pm so it would’ve been hard for me to figure things out at the last minute to go and meet him. On the other hand this guy looks so good and he is definitely my type of guy. I’m so picky sometimes I get frustrated with myself, why do I have to have such high standards for men? I wonder if it’s like that too for heterosexuals, wouldn’t they just bang a vagina even if the girl is not good looking?

So I thought about it for I guess an hour or so, I told him I would’ve loved to meet with him but that I was working so it wasn’t possible for me to meet him. Luckily the guy is not an asshole and actually replied to that message which I was very well surprised. I think I was the asshole when I said to him “maybe” I can figure something out and go to the city tomorrow Monday afternoon. I say I’m an asshole because this is the way I thought about it: I would definitely like to meet this guy, but I’m working. I have class 9-11 and 1-3, and work 4-7 plus I had to hang up those flyers for my program Tuesday night. I can however pull some strings and get paid back for some favors a couple people owe me at work and they can cover Monday afternoon at work for me. I could catch up after I get back from the city instead of posting the flyers in the afternoon I will do that at night when I get back from NYC. So I said, well since I’m such a picky asshole I will talk to this guy and see if he’s not an asshole like me, I mean he has been nice enough to contact me and also answer my message even though I told him I can’t go to the city at all. Turns out the guy was so nice to me, I really liked his personality. Even though it does sound a little bit shady just because it’s all on the internet and you can’t really tell for sure… but anyway I said ok, let’s meet on Monday around 5:30pm, giving me enough time to leave after my 3pm class. I am sure we would be able to carry on a conversation and most likely end up having great sex at the hotel he was staying at. There is nothing better than having sex with someone that you like both physically and mentally, somebody that is there not just for sex, so if I like the guy when I meet him tomorrow and he is nice then I am sure the sex will be great. I’m such an asshole for thinking like this, but it’s true, lol. I can’t have sex with someone I don’t get along or someone that can only talk about sex. If you can’t carry on a conversation then you aren’t worth it.

He is staying at the hotel Royalton on 44street, I think I know where the hotel is because I looked it up on their website and I remember seeing that entrance. Shouldn’t have a problem anyway because I looked it up on mapquest and got the directions from Grand Central right away.

My brother messaged me just a little bit ago asking me about the checks they are making for my surgery. He is so stupid, both invoices say “make checks payable to”. I wish I could share my brain with him because sometimes I think that he lacks part of his, but I love him to death ehehehehe. I wouldn’t mind sharing my mind with him, and of course he is more knowledgeable in certain areas that I’m not so good at so I wouldn’t mind taking a piece of his! Tonight also the Mana MTV Unplugged 1999 album finished downloading. This is a great album with great music in it. It really reminds me when my dad bought his SUV because it had a CD player in it, which I might add that at the time was very, and I repeat very cutting edge, and we used to listen to this album over and over while riding along the coast and on the way to our mountain house.

So I was able to get Justin to cover for me at work, he said it’s no problem at all. I will be going to class 9-11 then 1-3, so right after that I will be taking the train to the city and should be getting to Grand Central around 5:10pm, then I will just walk to the hotel which is only about 3-4 blocks away. When I get back it should be before 12pm, so I will hang up the flyers and then go to bed early, get some rest. So I guess soon you will find out if it went really well or really bad! I’m kind of excited yet nervous.

Monday 17/18 – Written Wednesday 12:30am

Today I don’t even know where to start. It’s now 12:30am and I am so very exhausted. I have so much in my mind and I am feeling somewhat sad and pissed at life.

Monday morning the wind was blowing on my window pretty hard so I actually woke up before my alarm went off. I showered and went to Asian religions class where we talked about Confucius and his views on filial piety and education/learning. I think I can somehow identify myself with him, I was reading most of the analects and he has really high moral standards and strong ethics. We share the same principles I guess. After that I stayed in my room and went to eat until my 1pm class. The class went by pretty fast compared to every other day where it’s so slow I could die! After my class I quickly went and took my second shower of the day. I had to take the 3:55 bus to catch the 4:30 train so I had to hurry. Little did I know that such a great adventure awaited me back then...

I ended up getting to Grand Central around 5ish I think. Everything was converted to green; I had forgotten it was St. Patrick’s Day. It’s the day I like to joke where everyone thinks they are Irish. There were people drinking on the street and there were also people that were already drunk… already? It’s only 5pm people! I walked from 42 to 44 street where his hotel was. I must admit I was nervous, I hadn’t really though about it much. I was also carrying personal lubricant and condoms in my jacket, it has a lot of pockets but none of them close. Which actually brings me forward in time, I got back around 7:45pm and my lub wasn’t with me anymore… so either it fell out in the hotel where he hung my coat, or in the train… I really hope it’s the train because if it was the hotel he must’ve gotten a good laugh out of it, I don’t know. But anyway, I am getting ahead of myself here.

I found the hotel right away. Looked fancy from the outside, the butler opened the door for me and then two huge doors automatically opened for me. Nifty! The hotel was dark, it didn’t have a lot of light in it so my eyes were getting used to the lack of light. I couldn’t see people’s faces too well so of course that made me look very stupid and nervous. Right next to the entrance was a small sitting area where he was supposed to be waiting for me. There was only a couple business men sitting there so I went and sat opposite to them, even though I couldn’t see their faces very well I knew that it wasn’t him as they were all suited up and talking about… well business I guess. I unzipped my coat and took out my cell to call him. I got his voicemail so I guess he had no service inside the hotel. I decided to just stay there for a little while and see if he called me back once he sees the missed call. After all, I thought to myself, I never actually called/emailed him to confirm that I was coming. It was all Sunday, I think, when I said that yes I was coming on Monday but I never fully confirmed. Luckily this didn’t come back to haunt me, because he ringed me just a few minutes after and said he was just getting out of the shower and that he apologizes. How cute! He was coming down in a couple minutes which started getting me nervous again, and of course keep reminding myself: always remember to smile, don’t curse and don’t be too sarcastic at first. But what if he doesn’t like me, what if he doesn’t think I’m cute or I look different in pictures. Should my jacket by zipped all the way up or halfway? If it’s all the way up he will think that I’m cold and won’t ask to take my coat, but if it’s halfway down then it looks bad. Oh geez Luis don’t be so picky. It’s the battle between my mind and myself again, haha.

He came down, by then my eyes were already adjusted to the lack of light. My mouth dropped, he was absolutely gorgeous. I had to literally contain myself, I gave him a good hand shake and said something really stupid like “how are you?” or “very nice to meet you”. Luckily I wasn’t so nervous to say “whats up” or something my mother hasn’t taught me for when you meet new people! Well, even in the lack of light you could tell he had beautiful blue yes, makes my legs tremble. He had an European accent which I absolutely love, and his hair was light and thin. He smiled, what a keeper! A ten out of ten. Five stars. I should’ve kidnapped him, make him mine forever! I was going to do exactly that: kidnap him and make him mine, however I didn’t actually think beyond that… oh well. What is really nice is that from that moment I knew that he was such a nice guy, so gentle and thoughtful. Such a caring personality. Why can’t the world be full of people like him…

So Antti, very European name, invited me to a drink at the bar or to go up to the hotel room. We opted for the latest. I knew this wasn’t just going to be sex, I would like to talk to him first and get a better feeling of what his personality is like, get to know him better. I don’t regret it at all. We went up to his room on the eighth floor and started talking. He was such a gentleman; he took my coat and offered me something to drink. At this point I was hoping the lub wouldn’t fall off the coat, that would be so embarrassing. We shared pink lemonade Snapple. We talked for what seemed to be about an hour or so I guess. God I liked him so much, I wanted to kiss him so badly but I couldn’t be so obvious. I knew it wasn’t just a feeling of how hot he was, because he was very good looking, but it had more to do with a combination of that and the way he was, his personality and the way he expressed himself to me. It’s hard to find guys like him and honestly I don’t know if I will be lucky enough to meet two of him in one lifetime. Of course I was being all shy and wanted to rub his knee with my hand or his back and shoulders, but I didn’t, I’m too shy sometimes. I was being all shy and stayed well put while we talked. Sometimes I felt I was just going to jump at him while he was talking and kiss him. The more we talked the more I liked him. In several occasions he padded my shoulder or rubbed my knee. Ok, I’m not going to say that it made me hard but it definitely had a good effect on me, hehehe.

We talked about many things and after a while I, with what I think wasn’t controlling myself, just put my arm across his back and leaned over to kiss him. Wow, if I were able to express my feeling better in paper I could write a book on this. We kissed and moved to the bed. He was so romantic, which I love, so caring, so everything at the same time. What a great guy. We had great sex which I am of course, not going into detail. And then the test came up! Will he want me to leave right away or will he want me to stay for a bit longer. Of course he didn’t want me to leave, and neither did I. We laid there after sex, I surely fell asleep for a couple of minutes and so did he. What a perfect moment. We continued talking for a while and one of the things I joked about was how many guys he slept with in NY already. He said I was the first one in NY and of course I told him he was lying but I knew he wasn’t. It was something in his eyes that told me. Such a genuine guy, how privileged was I. As shy as I am, I think if I would’ve seen him at a club I would’ve asked him to dance with me.

We took a shower together which was really nice; the hotel had a good bathroom. We dressed and I asked him to come out for a bite with me. I took him to the dinner on 46 street, but it was closed so we went to a pizza restaurant close by. My mom always said that if I was out on a date with a girl (of course she didn’t know I was gay back then), if the girl had no matters or didn’t know how to hold a knife and fork I had two options. One, I could dump her or two, I could teach her manners so that she didn’t had to break her face when we all went out for dinner together. Of course, hypothethically speaking my mom always said she will love whoever I love and she will be happy as long as I’m happy. I’m not sure that has been the case in the past. But Antti had manners, and he did know how to hold a knife and fork. If I were to present him to my mom and go out for dinner is a whole new story. But we had dinner and we literally closed down the restaurant. He didn’t let me pay; he took the check away from me and wouldn’t let me see it. We then walked to Grand Central, he has never seen it before so I thought I could take him inside and show him the roof, etc. Of course, here I am thinking like a stupid retard: he’s European, he’s seen better places and the trains are much better in Europe, so like yeah… Here I was, at the moment thinking that it was going to be my last moments with him in New York. I took a picture of him on my cell, so that I could show Priscilla how hot he was. Well, he put money in my jacket and I wasn’t accepting it but he kept insisting that he pays for me. I don’t know why but I didn’t want him to pay my train ticket, he is too much of a nice guy, he is so thoughtful and caring. I accompanied him outside where I kissed him good bye. Immediately I got that feeling I hate: shallowness, something missing, envy. Something you want that you can’t have, no matter how bad you try. Loneliness.

While I was at Grand Central I got a call from Elizabeth, volleyball coach. I didn’t pick up as it was my last minutes with Antti, but I got a voicemail. They asked me if I could attend 6am practice the next morning. It was already 11:40pm andI called back; even though I knew I had to get back to the college and hang all the flyers around campus I said yes. At the same time with Antti stuck in my head, I was trying to figure out a way to get out of work Tuesday and come visit him again, I really wanted to and I was determined to do so: on my way back while on the train I called Jenna and asked her to cover my morning shift. I then called Peter and asked him to cover my afternoon shift. I then called Danielle and said I wasn’t going shopping with her in the afternoon. This is when I realized how much I like Antti, I’ve changed plans twice, two days in a row. Not gone to work two days in a row. I’m a structure person, I plan everything and I play by the rules. I usually would not do something like this.

I ended up going to bed around 2am. I woke up at 5am, and went to volleyball 6 to 8am. I went to the pub and got myself a bacon, egg and cheese bagel, then I called Antti and left a voicemail asking if he wanted me to come down again, I had made arrangements to go to the city and maybe we could do something together. I wanted to walk around the city with him, talk and simply spend time with him. I didn’t care if we didn’t have sex again, I just wanted to spend time with him. I went back to my room and showered, then lay on my bed. I had taken out the clothes I would wear if I ended up going to the city, so all I was waiting for was Antti’s call now. Luckily, and to my very much happiness, Antti called at 9:50 and said I was welcome to hang out with him, so I threw my clothes on and ran to the bus stop. The bus was leaving at 10:10am, Priscilla was already there as she leaves at that time to go to her internship. One of the comments she made was “wow you really like this guy that you’re going to skipping work twice just to see him”. Hell yeah I do. If I could take off work tomorrow morning I would take it off as well, just to spend one more morning with him.

So I got to the city around 11something, and I had breakfast with Priscilla. I then went to the hotel where I met Antti and he was having breakfast at the hotel lobby. So we sat and talked while he was having breakfast. He offered me breakfast but I had just eaten two bagels so I just had a glass of orange juice. We headed out and first went to International Center of Photography. Some of the exhibitions were really good, but let’s be honest: the best exhibition in there was Antti. He should’ve been a photograph in every corner. We also walked in the public library and took some photos at Bryant park. The library was really nice, I’ve never been in it and I liked it very much. Unfortunately, my legs were hurting from volleyball so I wasn’t very fond of the stairs. And let me tell you, this library had plenty of stairs. We also went to Chelsea and we walked all the way uptown looking for places to visit, but we actually just spend the whole time walking and talking cause we couldn’t find any of the so called museums on every corner. I had such a good time with him, he is such a good guy. He is the type of guy I would like to be involved in a relationship with. Maybe one day I will get lucky and the Gods will throw the dices in my favor! Oh if only…

We sat at Madison Square park, where I had really good memories of all my pets. There were a lot of dogs around the park and there was a husky. I really want a husky; I think they are the most beautiful dog breed. We passed the EmpireState building and took more pictures, then went to eat to the dinner. I wanted to buy him a souvenir but of course he wouldn’t let me, and of course I forgot to buy it behind his back. Time crunched on us at the end so that is part of the reason. We also passed 51 street where that crane fell off, it was really bad it hit two buildings and there was dead and missing people. Heading back to the hotel I felt so bad for him, he was really cold and I could tell he was uncomfortable. I wanted to hug him and make him warm. I was looking at him and was about to cross the street but cars were coming and he pulled me back. At least I knew he didn’t want me death ahhahaha. He saved me, lol. We got back to the hotel where I showed him my facebook pictures and laid back in bed with him. I pause and think about that moment, what a great time and what a true feeling. Unfortunately we didn’t have a lot of time, and I kept thinking in my head ways of staying longer with him. Wednesday wasn’t an option as I had volleyball 6-8, an 8:30 meeting, 9-11 class and work 4-7 which I for sure coulnd’t take off. He is leaving tomorrow night, so it just didn’t work out for me. I also thought of taking a later train and tell Priscilla to go without me, but I couldn’t. I had to go eat, then I had my program at 9pm and staff meeting at 10pm. I was ready to cry as I didn’t want to leave yet. My eyes did water a little bit, sometimes life is so unfair. Luckily he didn’t see that. I’m such a baby.

We got to Grand Central on time, and I presented him to Priscilla. I hugged and kissed him goodbye very quickly as I didn’t want to cry or be all sad. After all, all my feelings were of happiness with him, so he didn’t need to see me sad. A part of me wanted to simulate a scene of a romantic movie where you make out and the dramatic music plays. Another part of me knew I would be very lucky to ever see him again. He looked at me in the eye and said it was a pleasure for him to had meet me, and wished me a safe trip back home. I was stuttering and said something really embarrassing like “yeah you too”. I kissed him in both cheeks and against my will I parted, walking to towards the train and closing my eyes with that last view of those gorgeous eyes. Today that memory sits in my mind at a very special place and will not be forgotten easily.

So I got on the train just in time as it was leaving. Priscilla made some comments about Antti. She has never liked anybody I’ve been with, and well with JohnPaul she had too much. Priscilla said: “I think he is the first guy I actually like very much and I can tell you two were into each other; I could see it in his eyes and yours as well. He is your type for sure”. What a great friend Priscilla is. I love her to death and even though I’m such an ass to her sometimes she knows I love her and I would do anything in the world for her.

We got back and headed for dinner, on the train I wouldn’t stop talking about how nice Antti was and bitching about life. After dinner I headed over to my program and then to my staff meeting. Here I lay, 1:30am and I have to wake up at 5am again for volleyball. I’m still surprised I changed my routine twice just to meet with Antti. I don’t regret any of it, and if I could I would do it again tomorrow. So now you know why I am sad. Tomorrow in group I will share my experience with him. I’m afraid my eyes will get wet, lol.