I just finish watch a Korean movie, Sin of a Family.
It’s a crime story, about murderer of an autistic child name Min Hwan.
At 1st, I watch it because it’s about child murderer & I think it’ll be a bad crime story.
In fact, it’s really bad, but in a sad way.
And yes, I cry at the end.
Because the one who killed this child is his own mother.
And it’s not because of his autism but because his mom is sick & gonna die & she afraid of what will happen to Min Hwan when she die.
It’s a tragedy & even I know it’s only a movie, but it’s really break my heart.

Today, I fly to Surabaya to reunion with my besties Vivien.
And I left Eba in Banjarmasin with my mom for 2 reason, 1 because he school & 2 because I just go 2 days & it’ll spend too much money if I should bring Eba & my mom or Made.
And this afternoon, my mom called & told me that Eba got a fever.
It’s bad 😦

And watching a sad crime story absolutely no help.
Wish Eba will be better tomorrow.
Sorry son, for being a selfish mommy.
Mommy wilk going home soon.
Please be good.
Mommy love you :((

Sometimes I feel “OMG, this little worm won’t let my nerve get rest”.
But then it feel “God, please don’t let him growing bigger too fast, I still want to hug him, kiss his baby breath, tickling his small hand & foot”.

I think this is the phase of being a mom.

To be pregnant, giving birth, raising a child.
There’s a lot of emotion & need a lot nerve to bend, big voice to scream, strong heart to scold, big arms to hug, a lot of smile, laugh & tears to show how much we love our children.

This also the process to learn.
To encourage our own heart to be brave, to love, to let go, to take care & then, to let go.

I was a hard child to my mom.
I once was a daughter who a dissident.
I try to hurt my mom as much as I feel hurt for everything she said.
Everything that she might said for my own good sake.

Well, I’m not proud of it.
But I learn a lot….
To care more, to love more, to hear more, to be more patient & it still growing.

And yes, I learn, there’s never too late to learn.

Back to Eba…
I really thank God for his 3 years & wish all the best for his years coming.
I know that I’m not a good mom, not as good as I wish for.
But, the years coming & I still have time to let him know, how much I love him, how big space I’ve in my heart for him, how much I will to release everything just to keep him safe & warm, happy & wealthy.
I also will teach him a lot of good thing and also bad things.
Teach him to be nice, humble, self concious & feel love.

And someday… I only wish that he’ll stand strong, face his own world, know that he can & he deserve to get the best, because he’s very special, not only for God, for me & his daddy, but also for the others.