“I love you world.”

My son said that to me tonight. It wouldn’t make sense to anyone else, but I know exactly what he meant.

Every night Smiley is with me, before he goes to sleep, I whisper, “I love you more than anyone in the world loves you, and I love you more than I love anyone else in the world.”

I know he has a father who loves him dearly, but I grew that child inside my body, and I simply cannot imagine that his egocentric father loves him as much as I do.

Today we were eating dinner, and I told Smiley that I love him, and he said, “I love you world.” I know he’s just two years old and cannot know what exactly I mean when I say that, but my heart melted. And then in the next instant it broke when he said, “I cry for you, Mommy.”

Bedtime the first night he’s with me is always hard. He doesn’t want me to leave him alone in his room. “Mommy sit wif me.” I will acquiesce for a little bit, but when I get up, the crying starts. I feel awful leaving him. I try to explain that I’ll just be down the hall and I’ll see him in the morning, but, well, he’s two, and that doesn’t really get through.

“I cry for you in bed.”

What he doesn’t know is that I cry, too. I cry because his cries hurt me. I would love nothing more than to hold him closely until he falls asleep. I cry because he is not with me. He’s only two, and we can spend 5 or 6 days apart. It’s not right. But maybe that’s my punishment.