Mourning for.....

This post is devoted to one of the best people I've ever known.

It's been a long time sice his tragic death. But now I can distinctly feel that it put its seal on my soul. No wonder it did. Though my father's friend, not mine, he was dear to me, I was taken by his good-humoured nature, his breeziness, flamboyance and attractive exuberance. He was always kind, generous, courageous, virile, rougish and a bit recless - I can count all the traits which mark a real Man and were so characteristic of him. The news of his death was terrible. It was like a poisonous liquid floating in my veins, circulating in my system, devastating, destroying me and all my naive illusions.

It's been a hard day's night (c).Well, what shall I say. It's been quite a disappointing day, too. The other day my dad was telling me something about his colleague and happened to be surprisingly laconic in describing him in just a single phrase: "He was so close to his dream that didn't completely realized how far he is from achieving it". Sounds ambiguous? Yea, it's clumsy. It's hard to render Oscar-Wildish aphorisms at almost 3 a.m.Too many words.I'm just on the blink. And now i seem to have ruined my chances — now that i look behind. It's high time i went on, but damn! No, for this sulky nerd of a me, that's impossible. Here i am, struggling through my era of decline.

How curious it is! this precious sensation of enlightment i get from our home reading classes while discussing micelaneous spiritual issues and all, is quickly vaporized out of me by the cruel and shallow routine. Hate these shuffles!What a "nice, buddhist" ending.

So many greetings from my dear folks. And not a single line from you, sweety. I appreciate my being "one of the right fellows", but damn it! It's not all about this only. I must've leaked to you a bit more than I should have.Ok then. If I got you right, it's no use waiting for you to make up your mind.It's always better not to expect more. I did not, and thus I'm spared bitter disillusionment at your indifference, dear lad. I'm so very much like you. God, at times it scares me out of my wits!

I just can't put up with this sham and pretence! I don't believe a single word he says. And the major question is WHY. Why not tell them the truth? Isn't it what they want to see in the article? It'll remain an unconceivable mystery forever why one should hush up and disguise the imperfections of our society in the face of our rivals? Silly arrogance, assumed patriotism and nothing more. If your system of education sucks, why not be honest.

George Orwel. “1984”

George Orwell’s controversial futuristic novel “1984” is generally seen as a deliberately exaggerated parody on any authoritarian rule. The scene is set in the twentieth century London in of Oceania, a superstate which came into existence after a full-blown nuclear war. The society is built on a hierarchy of the three social layers: the High, meaning the Inner Party which is omnipotent, all-knowing and oppressive, the Middle, representing the Outer Party whose members are merely figureheads and the most intimidated of the three, and the Low who are the proles (i.e. proletarians in Newspeak) – the most ignorant and neglected, living their life below the poverty line. The main object of love, worship and inspiration is Big Brother, leader of the party.

The protagonist, Winston Smith, belongs to the Outer Party, and works in the Ministry of Truth which is, actually, the place where mass falsifications of facts take place as long as they don’t satisfy the Rulling Party or contradict Big Brother’s proclamations.

Winston pretends to be an exemplary, obedient citizen, but he is nursing doubts on the righteousness of the Party. Though not an acute observer he compares the events, which he witnessed personally, to their press accounts, and notices contradictions. Seeking to revive the events of long-ago he breaks the tenets of the ideology – Ingsoc. He starts a diary, plunges into an illicit love affair with a girl, searches for the legendary Brotherhood, what finally leads up to his arrest and harsh questioning in the Ministry of Love. After months of torture and starvation he denies his rebellious ideas and betrays his feelings to Julia. When released, he becomes a shuttered creature devoid of emotions and his initial beliefs. The only thing he knows: he loves Big Brother.

Let's hope for the better...

Oh God, it's just terrible! This uncertainty wears me out, and I feel like crying out something outrageously profane and divinely humble at the same time. Don't know how long I'll endure . There's nothing worse than uncertainty and indifference.

Now that I'm reflecting on my life and life on the whole, as never before, it seems to be made up of disappointments. I must have crossed some transit point which divided my lifelong torture into two unequal portions. The second one is more painfull but less naive. Now everytime I set my mind on doing something tremendously important I realize It's all in vain. But it's better any way. Now I see there's no good building up castles in the air.Life's being sort of a wash-out for me.And there's another point. Hatred and malice seem to be floating in the air infecting me with exhaustion and despair. Damn it all. Damn you all.

Another day of my life

The whole day may be described as quite positive and cheerful despite the unpleasant waking up. Actually, it can't possibly be the other way round takin to account my staying up late.

The best thing about today is my great find! Finally, I came across I knew I was destined to several books indispensable for my report. Two of them entirely devoted to "gender" and "gender psychology". You may call me whatever you want, but I in some curious way feel that learning and teaching foreign languages are not the things to occupy my whole future. They will become, or at least I hope they will, a means to broaden my "horizon".

Is the everlasting chain of misfortunes finally over? Let's hope so. And meanwhile...

Time to love, time to hate,Time to live and to create.

Here, in the two simpliest lines are my Love, Hope and Joy. Warm summers are always followed by snowy winters and vice versa. So I shall be delighted to accept this changeable world as it is. For I'll always have an ample opportunity to quote the wretched Byron and his miserable "adieus".

Another turn

World is no longer the same, it alters faster than I become aware of the changes. I turn around to look at the "yesterday" and realize how much I passed within several hours. Every day's like a new life, very much alike the previous one, but in some way different.

Poor Valentine! Life is hard on her... As well as on me. But it took her down a peg or two to get the real picture of her prospects. Now she sees the only way to succeed is to work. I, rather relentlessly, promised her I'd drive her like a slave. The main thing for me is to see that my lessons do help.

OMG, what for?

Though petty may it seem to you, but it was a great blow for me, and I'm still eaten up with hatred. What on earth did I think of when I gave her my priceless notebook? I should have guessed long before what a deceitful blasted bitch thing she is. She must have felt not a single pang of remorse. She can deceive one all right - she can do it with a wet finger. I only wonder why I acted in such a flippant childish way.. Now she is practically equipped with the information she did not care to put down during last year. And me... Pressured to copy the whole thing again. Oh God, what for???Damn it all...