Dumb Question of the Day: At the Doctor’s Office

The perky nurse opened the waiting room door and quipped, “Hi! How are you today?!” I gave her my best glare but refrained from growling, “I’m at the doctor’s office, aren’t I? How do you think I’m doing? My head is pounding, I have the chills, I’m seeing two of you (and that’s before you ticked me off) I can’t swallow and I don’t remember driving here.

“I just spent 45 minutes stuck in a crowded waiting room with phlegm hacking folks and a fuzzy but loud TV stuck on the Jerry Springer Show. The best magazine was a 2008 Porsche Owner and I learned more details about some lady’s bathroom habits than I know about my own children’s. Other than that, I’m peachy.”

Even if I was at the doctor’s office for a well check, it’s not exactly my favorite way to spend my morning let alone wine funds. The magazine selection would still stink and I’d still have to step on the very public scale in the very public hallway where the nurse will very publicly announce my weight as she writes it down.

But before that, the perky nurse would still hold open the door and quip, “How are you today?” What am I supposed to say?

“Oh my gosh, um, (squint at name tag) Bitsy, I couldn’t be happier! I lost sleep last night in anticipation of the fun I’d have here today. Why, it’s not often I’m given my very own cup with my name written on it that no one else can use. I have children you know; so I have very few personalized items at home that are mine and mine alone. Rarely does anyone residing in my house inquire as to my well being, let alone how often I go to the bathroom, get headaches or eat polyunsaturated fats.

“Plus, at home, I’m constantly doing laundry. I mean, every hour of every day (except when I’m here with my monogrammed cup). If only I had these nice paper gowns and blankets at home—I could throw away all those bulky linens and save so much laundry time and effort. And this shade of blue is such a flattering color for my skintone; you always make me feel so special here. Really, the only thing that could make this visit any more fun is if I’m due not only for my flu shot but a tetanus booster to boot!

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