Contents

Transcript

{The Homestarrunner.com welcome screen is visible, but dim. On the left is "com on in", with the "e" in "come" having fallen down below the words. On the right is "watch intro"; the "a" has fallen a bit and has pushed aside some of the letters below it. Homestar Runner, though dim like the rest of the screen, appears as normal. The top-left corner of the screen is sagging slightly. Wind can be heard in the background. After a few seconds, a drop of water falls and Homestar sighs. The sagging corner falls a little over the next line, exposing some HTML behind it.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER:{aside, to himself} You got this, Homestar. This is nothin'. Just like fallin' off a web van.

{The lights come on.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh, hello, Debra! {turns to the side} Simone! {angrily leans into the camera} The internet! {leans back} I am what you might call Homestar Runner. {beat, then throws confetti. Out of the side of his mouth:} Yaaaay! Over the last several years of my dot com, peoples all the time be askin' me: "Hey Homestar! How come you stopped updating y—"

{Homestar stars coughing and sputtering.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Ahem! Sorry, got some {a piece of crab, with a drop of blood falling from it, appears from inside his mouth} crab shell stuck in my throat. {throws it aside} Continuing. "How come you stopped updating the best feature on your website?" And to that I answer: "You mean how come I stopped updating the Hairstyle Runner gallery back in the year 2000?" {holds up the Hairstyle Runner toy} I don't know! Let's go update it right now, Joshy!

{He winds up to run toward stage left.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Yup. You guessed it. {takes off} Peow!

{Another drop of water falls after he is gone. Cut to the "Hairstyle Gallery", as noted by a banner on the top of the screen. It is a museum entryway, entirely done in the style of the older toons. There is a statue of Homestar with a leaf over his crotch and olive branches on his head, holding a tablet that reads "PLVRBVS OVRBVS". In the lower-right corner are two banners reading "SEE THE GALLERY" and "SUBMIT YOUR OWN". Homestar, in his modern appearance, walks in and looks at the statue.}

{Colors appear from the right side of the screen with the blinking word "COLORARIZATION!" appearing. The colors are mostly pastel colors that don't fit the scene at all. Sickly Sam's legs become beefy human-looking legs covered in hair, but his main body doesn't change at all.}

SICKLY SAM:{very distorted} Am I up with the times?

THE HOMESTAR RUNNER: Sorry, Sickly Sam. You're an affront to God and man!

{He kicks the can into Sickly Sam, and both disappear with a "PAFH!" cloud and sound effect. The Homestar Runner kicks and opens his mouth as the scene cuts back to modern-day Homestar, with the leaf in his mouth.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh, man, these updates are great! Let's keep going! {swallows the leaf} Ooh, how's about some new words for the old Homestar Talker?

{The Homestar Talker appears. With different sound effects, "KITCHENETTE", "DRACONIAN", and "POINK" appear in the corners. A mouse cursor clicks the following words, and the Homestar in the Talker says them in his old voice:}

STRONG BAD:{singing} Ongggg, doodle-ing! Ding ding ding ding! Welcome to Windows 98. {jumps up from his chair and yells:} WHY ARE YOU STILL USING WINDOWS 98??! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??!! STOP BUYING COMPUTERS FROM THRIFT STORES, MAN!!

Easter eggs

At the end, click on "safe" to see a bust of the back of Homestar's head with eyes and a beak, labeled "OUR NATIONAL BOLD".

At the end, click on "turn off" to see an album with Homestar in his singer outfit and Strong Bad with dreadlocks and his "4EVA" teeth, labeled "The 2 Great Guys ON THIS STAGE TONITE", with "COMPY-DIRECTIONAL SOUND" written at the bottom.

At the end, click on "computer" to see a scene with Homestar and Strong Bad.

{The text at the end of the toon is actually painted on a giant cardboard rectangle that Homestar and Strong Bad are holding up.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: So what have you been up to, man? Haven't seen you in so long!

STRONG BAD: Ah, you know how it is. Doin' a lot of side projects, some consulting, maybe a little freelance.... Those are words that people say when they haven't actually been doing anything, right?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Yeah, yeah, cool! I've been kinda like living inside of a bag. Like a duffel bag.

STRONG BAD: Oh! That's... great?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Yeah, yeah, I know, it's- it's great! It's got, like, a zipper. And... some straps. Maybe some kind of fungus growing in it. So basically, you know, top of my game!

Real-World References

The "It's now safe to turn off your computer" screen is directly lifted from the screen that most Windows 95 computers would show after shutting down. A parody of this screen previously appeared in virus.