This is a daily account of my ups and downs, my experimentation on helping control my condition, and I hope that it helps put this problem into perspective. If you are bipolar, you are not crazy, and you are not alone. Currently I am not on prescription medicine because of the adverse side effects, so I am trying to change my lifestyle and habits, and hopefully one day I can effectively control my condition.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Please stop acting like I'm ok...

I think the most frustrating part of bipolar disorder is that unless you have it, you really can't understand what it's like. I'm sick of people saying to look on the bright side (no offense Monty Python)and to "count your blessings." My brain doesn't work in the same way, so it's impossible for me to put things into perspective in the same way. It is a mental illness that I cannot escape...ever. Many people end up committing suicide as a result of it.

There are things that I am thankful for...every day. My children, my physical health, my house, etc., but there is a time where I cannot focus on any of that. I am a slave to my thoughts and I cannot control my emotional or mental state.

However, it isn't bad all the time. I am lucky that I am not institutionalized. I am fortunate to have coping mechanisms, but they are things I have to work through alone. It is painful. I have taken enough medication to know that it is not right for me, and that rather than improve my symptoms, it makes them worse. I can't afford to play Russian Roulette with my brain...

Today is good! I am thankful for that, and when I feel good, I love to be treated like a normal person. It isn't sympathy, as much as not acknowledging there is a problem when there is. When I am depressed, I get ignored. I hate that.

I also hate when people tell me that bipolar disorder is over-diagnosed. What is that even suppose to mean to me? I know my problems aren't dietary or exclusively (although it does affect my mood) environmental. I know that I experience mania, anxiety, and depression, and that my brain can't focus when I want it too. I know that anti-depressants and anti-seizure medications cause me to be not only suicidal, but borderline homicidal as well, and that isn't normal. I know that I am bipolar and it really doesn't comfort me when someone tells me that it is over-diagnosed; in fact, it is irritating. I don't like to use it as an excuse, but at least I know the problem. I know there is a name for it. I know that when my plans fall apart and I can't manage to finish what I've set out to do, I'm not lazy, and I can forgive myself, because I can't control it. More than anything, I want to be this strong, independent, self-sufficient person, that can take on anything; that is my dream. I know I can't have it, in its entirety, but it's a good dream...

It's scary. I wish I would have known sooner, but I don't know if that would change anything. People joke about it, they ignore it...sometimes I think things will be ok, but I know the bipolar depression will resurface. It didn't end well for Virginia Woolf, Ernest Hemmingway, or Ian Curtis. Right now my idol is Stephen Fry. He's awesome!