Acee: Chargers offense just rank

I see the Chargers offense in a commercial, walking hand-in-hand with a handsome middle-aged woman, laughing and flirting as they prepare dinner together, then dancing playfully around the living room, and finally lying in a bath tub on the beach.

Ah, if only it were as easy as taking a little pill.

As it is now, there appears no effective treatment for the Chargers’ offensive woes.

I’m sorry. I really don’t mean to make light of the offense’s struggles with the passing game.

It’s shocking what has happened to one of history’s most virile offenses.

For a contrast between now and the days of vitality, we need look no further than the Chargers’ last game at Qualcomm Stadium against the Cincinnati Bengals, whose crashing pass rush will be here again this Sunday.

On that December day in 2009, the Chargers won 27-24 on a field goal kicked with three seconds remaining.

That final drive included something three of the five Chargers’ scoring drives that day included — a Vincent Jackson reception of 20 or more yards. In fact, Jackson scored two touchdowns — on receptions of 21 and 34 yards.

I’m not breaking any news here when I tell you that an offense that from 2007-11 scored more points than all but three teams is ranked 21st in offensive points this season.

But the sickening fall from stud to dud is worth a closer look.

The statistics are stunning.

In Norv Turner’s first five seasons as head coach (and calling offensive plays), no team in the NFL completed more passes of 20-plus yards than the Chargers. Just five teams had more 20-plus touchdown passes than the Chargers in that span.

There were times it seemed the Chargers moved the ball via the big play or not at all.

In this, Turner’s sixth season, the Chargers’ 33 passes of 20 or more yards are tied for 16th-most in the NFL, and their four such TD passes are tied for 22nd.

Conversely, the Bolts this season have already had 76 passes go for fewer than 6 yards. They had 78 all last year, 76 in 2010. Philip Rivers’ 10.71 yards per completion this season ranks 31st. His 12.74 yards per completion led the NFL from 2007-11.

“I don’t think it’s intentional,” Rivers said with his wry grin. “Some of the calls are the same.”

Yep. The Chargers just don’t have the ability to answer those calls.

But, thing is, some calls aren’t the same.

It turns out this offense wasn’t built for anything.

With Rivers struggling to find anyone to connect with long distance, often not having adequate time to do so, the Chargers have actually changed the way they’re doing things. Rivers has more often been getting rid of the ball quicker. But, even then, receivers don’t have the ability to consistently get open or catch the ball.

Why is a multifaceted conundrum that is not easily unraveled — maybe not for a couple years.

It starts, of course, with protection. It also has to do with the lack of a running game, which in turn is partly attributable to the lack of a downfield passing game. Mix in receivers who haven’t fought for or come back for the ball as well as this offense requires. Add a quarterback who for an extended period let it all sort of get to him.

Defenses, too, are having a much easier time defending a Vincent Jackson-less and Darren Sproles-less offense.

Sure, Rivers finds Malcom Floyd for a 21-yard touchdown pass in the second period last Sunday, but then the Ravens figure out how to take that away — in large part because Jackson is playing in Tampa Bay.

“It is different,” Rivers said. “But the people are different.”

Make no mistake, Rivers means no umbrage to his current teammates on offense. I’m the one saying this group is lacking.

But, offense meant or not, and even as he speaks of how defenses are playing them differently this season, Rivers cannot escape this conclusion:

“Those numbers (from previous seasons) … for the most part, those teams were very similar, composed of a lot of the same guys.”

Teams change, sure. But then the new guys have to be better.

Tom Brady is pretty good still, but he has long had Wes Welker and now has two wonderful tight ends and so often has a pocket as wide as the prairie to throw.

They’d like to believe this happens to everyone sometimes.

Rivers looked at the stats I showed him yesterday and expressed some optimism there are five games remaining to break out.