On The Occasion Of Mother’s Day Past… Dearest Ma

It will shatter those dreams and hopes in your eyes, and it will wipe that mesmerizing smile off your face for a long long time to come.

Dearest Ma,

I’ve been thinking for a while now, about what to give you this Mother’s Day, and I still can’t seem to find that perfect gift for you. You’ve done so much for me. We’ve been through so much together. We’ve loved each other as fiercely as we’ve hated each other. We’ve both had moments of complete and utter frustration toward each other. We’ve both had moments when all we’ve wanted to do is run away somewhere. We’ve guarded each other equally fearlessly. You can’t hear someone say a word against me as much I can’t hear one against you. I love you ma, I really do.

But, today you asked me to learn how to cook again. Because you’re worried about how I will fend for myself and my family after marriage. And that look in your eyes broke my heart again. I see all these hopes and dreams you have for me, and it kills me inside to think that there’ll be a day sooner than later when I’ll have to tell you that I’m gay. And it will crush you. It will shatter those dreams and hopes in your eyes, and it will wipe that mesmerizing smile off your face for a long long time to come.

The Section 377 verdict seems small in front of the turmoil I’ve faced every single day for the last 5 years. The guilt I’ve felt. Not because I’m gay. No. But because I will, very soon, be the reason for your deep pain. Because this one truth will make all your other problems seem inconsequential. And I can’t seem to bring myself to do that. Just yet.

So, my dearest ma, this Mother’s Day, I hope to give you one more day of peace and laughter and sound sleep. Because as open minded and trustworthy as you are, this one truth will change you completely. Forever. Because that smile of yours makes my day. And maybe, just for that, forever can wait for one more day.

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