As you know, I have acquired the habit of reading Usenet and web page
message boards an unprecedented 13 hours of every day--that leaves a
mere ten hours for sleep and one hour to take a short break to write
another page of my screenplay and dine on Ding Dongs. My commitment
to my fans has never been more amazing.

As a result, Episode 2 will feature major appearances by Boba Fett,
Will Smith, "Jive" Kenobi (Ben's hipper, blacker nephew), Darth Maul,
Mara Jade, and the Riddler of "Batman" fame. Because it is a romance,
Natalie Portman will be involved in a tangled love web with several of
these characters (I wrote part of the Boba-Amidala love scene today).
I have cast myself in the role of Ben Kenobi's friend from Jedi
College.

In addition, the Jedi Council will be expanded to include the
following: Yuk Nuk (Eskimo), Juarelda (Hispanic), Schlebstein
(Jewish), Big Mama Jedette (African-American), Poolfar Jackson
(African-American), Rizzo-Razzo (Italian), Blee-blee (Jamaican),
Al-Ahabastan (Muslim), Barbulla ("Large"), Jeffrey and Melvin (Gay),
and Yodeeni (Muppet, voice supplied by sampled grinding from can
opener so that it has no human analogue). Russian President Boris
Yeltsin has been cast as Anakin's real father. All will have special
action figures made for them, which will then glut the market.

My commitment to diversity is strong, stronger than it has ever been.
As a result, in two weeks all further communication from me will be
filtered through a committee of gender- and race-aware university
professors of non-white or non-male extraction, not less than five of
which will be sexless and/or other-abled persons.

With that as my initial defense (and leaving room for further massive
concessions to those who seek them), I humbly submit to your trial,
Dr. Stephen J. Krune III. Judge me, and judge me well.

May the Force Be With You Always, Regardless of Race, Creed, Sexual
Orientation, Sexual Organs, Religious Affiliation, Height to Weight
Ratio, Language of Choice, Marital Status, Presence or Absence of
Limbs, Adherence to Cultural Standards of Physical Beauty, Body Odor,
Social Life, Use of Inhalants, or Bladder Control.