Rock boTTom – kNockeD dowN and kickeD aRound

I hate this story but it is a HUGE part of my life story and must be told at some point so why not now?

The most importantest: I have two daughters, Riley and Hope, now they are 12 and 7 respectively but at the time of the abduction by my ex Grayson (Hope’s dad, Riley’s stepdad) they were 9 and 4. I had spent nearly every moment of Hope’s life with her up until that day and Riley had gone on a couple vacations with Grandma but otherwise only left my side to go to school. These two are my whole world and always will be. I had made some choices that left us homeless after a caregiver live-in (for me and my girls too good to be true right…bed bugs!) position went awry and we were no longer able to stay there and my grandparents (where we had been staying prior to moving for the job) wouldn’t let me go back, only the girls could. And I did send them to stay there for a week while I got us set up in the motel and Riley’s transportation arrangements made for school got worked out. At that point it was the longest period I’d been away from Hope ever and I thought THAT was hard, little did I know what Grayson had in store.

If only I’d been there: Grayson came to our motel where he had picked the girls up and taken them for dinner two days prior while I was at the store and they were with their babysitter, Tiffeny. He told Tiffeny that he was taking them for dinner and they’d be back in an hour or two. Instead Grayson took the girls and left Tacoma and took them to where he’d been staying – with his new family he’d acquired while not visiting the girls for months – in Seattle. He knew I didn’t have a vehicle and had no means of getting anywhere near Seattle but he made sure that wouldn’t have mattered anyway. When I called him to see when they’d be back, as it had been more than a couple hours by then, he refused to tell me where they were or let me talk to them. And, of course, he refused to bring them back. I felt that I couldn’t do anything about it cause I didn’t even have a car or a real place for us to live so I didn’t think the police were going to help me. I couldn’t even tell them where they were and there wasn’t a parenting plan in place for Hope so he had as much “rights” to her as I did.

What I could have, would have, should have gotten him was on kidnapping Riley because he had NO parental ANYTHING to her and definitely didn’t have my or her father’s [Aiden’s] permission to take her. I realized this then, not right away but within the week at most, but had already spun myself out to forget.

I’ve always upheld that I wasn’t getting high around my kids and then Grayson took them SO I got high. It was also my excuse for having methamphetamine (thankfully, as it could have made matters worse for me, there was no heroin, how not is still a wonder to me) in an exorbitant amount in my hair follicle test – I had binged AFTER he’d taken my kids and refused to bring them back. The truth must be very obvious by now: I’d definitely gotten high while I was with (not in the same room ever nor in their view) my girls since I was getting high and I was a stay at home mom who was always with my girls and been around them while high more often in the years since my accident than not. I did a hardcore binge on meth and heroin after he took my babies and at the time left me with no hint at even what city they were in.

I use the word devastated for my experience being, at the very least, emotionally cheated on and finding out but the true definition of devastation is what I felt without my girls along with the awareness that NOTHING WOULD EVER BE THE SAME AGAIN. Not knowing that they were okay nearly killed me, they needed me they didn’t know anything but their mommy! And that he wouldn’t even let me talk to them to reassure them or just hear that they weren’t in any anguish, like I was, further compounded my genuine desire to die. The only thing that kept me going was that they still needed me and no matter what I couldn’t leave them behind on this Earth without their mom, not by my doing at least.

I’ve never experienced such loss before or since and the hole it tore through me was an indescribable combination of heartbreak and despair made even more intense by it being my babies, my life, my everything and having them ripped from me so abruptly and unexpectedly. I didn’t even get to hug or kiss them goodbye.

Because my emotions were so forceful and gut wrenching and after I gave up begging Grayson to let me talk to my girls and hung up on his holier-than-thou bash-Lyric-a-thon (I’ve used plenty of drugs with this guy and knew he was still using and drinking so I couldn’t be bothered with his dripping hypocrisy if I wasn’t going to talk to my kids), I dove straight into my stash and did up the entirety.

I didn’t care if I ODed, I actually would have preferred it. So I got blown (really really frikkin high) and just kept on going to forget I even existed. Even through my drug-induced haze of numbness the pain of being without my kids was the most sickeningly intense, excruciating emptiness. I thought I was, and welcomed, having a heart attack because I had shooting pains in my heart and a restriction in my chest crushing me into the little ball that I stayed rolled into for hours, geetered (really really frikkin high) and sobbing. I must have looked a mess and the depressed, crying girl in the corner is always to be avoided less you fall into their low. I lost a big part of my self, that I’ll never get back, when that went down.

And then I started my spiral, ran straight to the shit- which got me screwed on that hair follicle and with Grayson’s lies backed by my grandparents newfound knowledge of my lifestyle and the happenings within it being taken as God’s word by my GAL I was toast before I even knew I had an emergency hearing for my grandparents to take custody of Riley. I sobered up for that few hours and agreed that Riley would temporarily stay with my grandparents while I got back on my feet and into housing for us.

I got to see Hope being held by a stranger of a woman who tried to keep her from me and came to find out this was Grayson’s new family, her two sons Mikaela and Montgomery (yeah I don’t have any explanation to either) were in the truck. I realized she was purposefully flaunting my daughter to screw with me and went to find Grayson. I got about 10 minutes of time with Hope and agreed to them taking Riley camping and wrote a release note for picking her up at school. I figured I should be as amicable as I could fake so that I could get as much information as possible.

Grayson was there at the emergency hearing to see that his plan had gone as hoped – he had set everything in motion before he even knew where we were staying. After not having a vehicle or license the entire 6 years we were together his daddy came to visit and paid off his tickets, got him his license, and bought him a truck and insurance spending over $20,000 and with Grayson, as always, not having to take any responsibility or action on his own. He’d been talking to my grandparents and his lies (and I’d be honest if he was telling truths but these were fake and too ridiculous for a normal, rational and knowledgeable people to even begin to take seriously or anyone who had been around Grayson to buy into) worked like a charm in convincing my grandmother he’d been doing all the work with the girls and covering for my lack of involvement and he had been some upstanding “husband” and “father” the whole time we were together. In reality he couldn’t keep a job, leeched off of unemployment that I did the job searches and paperwork for him for, was only interested in his “band” and “making it” as a bassist, and when he wasn’t playing “music” he would sit and play hours and hours of video games. He also drank his rum and cokes nightly and was latched to his marijuana dabber pen/pipe thing (he couldn’t go an hour without multiple tokes. When he’d bailed on the girls for months while he enjoyed his other family instead of his responsibilities to Riley and Hope my dad set up a visit with him to see them when I was in California for my first rehab stint. After arriving late and not making it on the bus the full distance, causing my dad to have to go retrieve him, he chatted up my dad’s girlfriend about penis piercings and other inappropriate topics. When he was suppose to take the girls to the park, to get him to actually spend some time with them, he all of a sudden couldn’t find his pipe and had to search for and find it before taking it with him to smoke in front of the girls per usual. He neglected his responsibilities and then the one time in my life where I was completely down and out he came in to kick me while I was on the ground.

It should have been enough for all involved parties that Riley was safe and taken care of and that I was going back to drug and alcohol treatment to address this “binge” I’d had but this bitch of a not-involved party thought she’d latch on to the now steadily floating ship and light a gasoline fueled fire on the deck. We’ll meet my mother when the saga continues.

To be continued

He said, she said, bullshit that followedContradictory my dear: Grayson’s rendition of what he supposedly found at the motel are plentiful and all from his mouth negating each other. I have court documents where he says in one that there was a big bag of drugs on the bed and another where there were individually wrapped small bags and the other written version of events he claims there was only paraphernalia on the dresser.

Unbeknownst to him: There really were no drugs. OH THERE I GO LYING!! There weren’t any drugs in the front room but in the locked back room there was my heroin and meth stash hidden after being enclosed in this weird miniature boxy drawstring bag – this thing was black so I had to search for it in the dark upper corner of the closet knowing where it was. I can honestly say I have always made sure that there was no possibility of my kids getting into any drugs, accidentally or purposefully, and they were never in the same room as any drugs when they were with me (as for with their fathers I am not sure and since Grayson was getting high after he took my girls and while they were in his care as shown by a hair follicle found dirty with cocaine I am pretty positive with how I know he acts when getting high that they were in the same room as his drugs at least once and more so if you count marijuana [dabs mostly at this point in his life] and I don’t but am going to because the courts forbid his use eventually. Although they turned a blind eye to the cocaine which has always boggled my mind and really pissed me off). I’m not excusing my behavior I never should have had any drugs or ever been under the influence around my girls. I know I am in no way some innocent victim.

I knew he’d made up what he claimed to have seen as soon as the first version was available to me because it was my room and my girlfriend Tiffeny was watching the girls while I went to the store to get a fan and socks cause it was too hot to have the girls walk with me so I know there were no drugs in the main room of our motel room. If I had had drugs out there they wouldn’t have been laying out for anyone to see and these drugs were supposedly on the bed and in large quantities but that was where the girls were playing and getting their hair done. Truth be told, by Tiffeny, Grayson didn’t even go into the room but just stuck his head in the room to call the girls to come out. He barely looked up from what Tiffeny said he seemed intimidated by her (him).

Tiffeny is a transgender female (so born male but now female) who is an absolutely gorgeous, black, fit and muscular, woman but it was (haven’t seen her in years now) apparent from her body type and jawline that she had been Michael prior. For sure she could kick Grayson’s ninny ass without effort but him being fearful of her just shows what a pussy he is as she is a sweetheart and at the time he saw her she was braiding Hope’s hair. Grayson made it out to be a negative that I allowed the girls around Tiffeny and tried to bring it up in court as some form of child abuse on my part by exposing my girls to what they knew to be their female babysitter they had stay with them a couple times. It got nowhere that I ever heard about within the courts and Grayson has since apologize for trying to create an issue.

He also said there was no food or drinks and the entire table holding the TV was covered in cereal, snacks, fruit and gatorade (I got like 600$ in foodstamps back then so they weren’t hungry). That claim from him got me neglect in my case with Hope but it was only his word which for whatever reason the courts took as truth even with his inconsistent statements about there being drugs. His daddy paid out nearly $40,000 for an attorney to annihilate me and my reputation and parenting abilities in court. There is a lot not right with the case and how it worked out with the contradictory statements, some very obviously forged UAs, the drugs in his hair, and more in his favor when I had been the only parent for the year prior. That is what his daddy paid for and they won.

Rock bottom

This was my rock bottom and I numbed myself so completely and still felt the pain. I avoided dealing with any of it by continuing to numb myself and eventually I came to accept my situation. So technically I hit the lowest point possible but I was too far gone to experience it for real. There are a lot of moving parts and people working together behind my back to see to it that I would have to do exactly what my mother wanted which included being without my kids for at least a year and a half. And that is just a part of what she did. Family is suppose to help not hurt and I learned the hard way that that wasn’t the case in mine. More on all that to come.

I don’t feel much since then and in the one instance where I did I ran back to numbing myself. I am now back at square one again but my heart’s not in it. Maybe I need to hit rock bottom for real but I don’t think I could survive any more heart-wrenching devastation or loss any time soon and preferably never. So I’ll have to figure out how to get and stay sober without my life getting worse and I think I can be okay with that.

((There is a lot more to come, this is just the beginning of the end of my life as I’d known it. I’ll tell you what, though, I learned who my friends and family really were and that I didn’t really have any of either. Strangers, people new to my life and all of which I’d known less than a month are who kept me safe and on my feet. I’ll continue to share my experiences with all of that and more. I’ll be linking stories to the events timeline (unfinished but I’m working on it) so you can get a look at the happenings I’ll be writing about. I’ll write something for every occurrence listed eventually and the list isn’t done yet.))

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I am an addict and a fuck up with a few stripped screws but I’m a hell of a mom and a loving daughter, I think my boyfriend finds me alright too. And those are the 5 people who have to deal with me, you don’t, so don’t be mad that you don’t like my way of dealing with life – I’m not.