(Closed) Sick of hearing DH complaining about his job. Am I a terrible wife?

I’m a regular poster but feel too embarrassed to post this under my real screen name because I feel like a terrible wife for even having these thoughts and don’t want them linked to me.

My husband and I both work in demanding yet very different fields. My job is very high paced with constant multi-tasking and juggling of tasks and people, lots of last minute assignments with short deadlines, etc. basically I work in a very high pressure environment. I almost never complaint about it unless something is particularly egregious because. I chose this job, it’s in my intended career field and it pays well so I really have no room to complain. My husband’s job on the other hand is more slow paced. He’s used to getting one or two assignments at a time with longer deadlines and finishing them off and then getting another assignment. Lately however he’s been “swamped” at work with more than two assignments at a time with deadlines that are only a few days. He complains to me constantly about how much he hates his job and how hard it is and how stressed it makes him. (His job is also in his chosen career at a really great company with great growth potential.) In the beginning I was sympathetic and would listen and try to empathize. But the longer this goes on with him mopping around and complaining about his job the less sympathetic I’m getting because frankly what he’s describing sounds like a regular Tuesday at my job!

I’m at the point where I just want to tell him to man up and just do his job and stop whining. We both have rough days here and there but I come home and put everything behind me while he comes home and just continues whining. But I obviously can’t tell him that. I’m just so frustrated and sick of listening to this because frankly I don’t think his job is all that hard or demanding, (especially compared to my job) and partly because I think it’s his own fault that he is so stressed out, (he needs to learn how to multi task and not stress so much.

I feel like a terrible wife for even having these thoughts and I would obviously never say anything to him. But I’m just so sick of hearing it I don’t know what to do. I try to tune it out when he complains but I’m sure he’ll soon say that I’m not being supportive enough.

Anyone been in this situation before? I would really appreciate some advice on this.

i don’t think being annoyed wit hthat makes you a bad wife 😉 We all get annoyed with our husbands and frankly I find that men complain about the little things way more than women do. They are also horrid multi taskers. UGH my husband cannot handle multi tasking to save his life. I also don’t think anything is wrong with just being like ok, I get that you don’t like it but complaining does not help. If you can’t change it change the way you look at it, and if you REALLY hate your job and its not just temporary, then maybe you should look for something more fullfilling.

You probably won’t get very far with telling him to man up, although I’d totally want to say something like that 😉

Similar, but not eaxctly the same. My Husband LOVES ot bitch about his job. He works a job that has hours long deadlines, requires a lot of skill and relys on other people for timing and whatnot. So it can be very exacting and stressful. All i hear is about how much this was so hard, or that really was nearly impossible. One day i just said, if you hate it so much, quit. He looked shocked and taken aback, and told me “why would i quit? I love my job!” My mind boggles. And so now i have to listen to him complain, and interject in the right spots with “that’s too bad, boo” or “well, it’l be easier next time” and like minded stuff, because all he wants is sympathy for all his hard work. It makes no sense to me, but perhaps your man is the same? And maybe not. If not, encourage him to consider the upsides and perhaps a different company?

As soon as these whiny men feel their woman is not on their side any more, they will probably get nasty or withdraw.

If I have any suggestion it would be to make it look like you’re still on his side. Ask him if there is anything you could do to make things better. Say when he’s in a bad mood, he makes you in a bad mood, and you really don’t want to be in a bad mood – so what can you do to help him. Say you can listen to him vent for a little but then you have to go do something happy to change your mood for yourself, and that you want to keep your home a place with positive vibes, so even though he hates his job, he home can be a place of comfort.

@TulleLove: Stop beating yourself up, you are NOT a bad wife because of this. I was in a very similar situation and I spoke to him about it. We agreed, he gets 30 minutes of “vent time” each night he comes home. After that, we call a moratorium on work talk. That said, you should talk to him and let him know that his constant pissing and moaning is bringing you down. Do not, however, bring up YOUR work unless it’s to point out how YOU manage to cope. Give him constructive advice. You’re both in this for the long haul. And you owe it to one another to be honest and supportive.

I’m the job-whiner in my relationship and I’m sure it drives my FI nuts sometimes. He’s super laid back though so he never really gets upset with me, but I try to keep it under control. All I can say is that I really appreciate that he’s always willing to listen and give me support, even if it’s just “wow, yeah that sucks.” I would encourage him to pursue a different job though, even if it’s with the same company. Maybe he can work toward a promotion that he would enjoy more?

I’ve definitely told him lately that if he hates it so much he either needs to do something to change the situation at his current job, look for another position in the company or look for another job. I think he can tell that I’m getting fed up because I usually just offer a sympathetic ear and now I’m offering solutions, (a very man thing to do).

@sienna76: “ Ask him if there is anything you could do to make things better. “

I think this is a good strategy to maybe highlight for him that his bitching and moaning won’t change anything without me actually having to say it. Thank you .

@TulleLove:I think he can tell that I’m getting fed up because I usually just offer a sympathetic ear and now I’m offering solutions

But why are you so tentative to just be honest? If I’m being a pain in the ass, I would hope my husband would say so. I’m not saying go in guns blazing… but simply being honest (tactfully, of course) about how you’re feeling, I don’t see an issue with that.

I’m in the exact same boat. Sometimes it’s gotten so bad that I’ve put the phone on speaker and done housework. I can never get a word in edgewise anyway, and I know he just needs to vent, so this way we both get what we need.

For the entire year of 2011, I was your husband. Only, my FI worked from home while I worked your job and complained about it. I knew it was only going to last a few months (they said 9, it was 12 1/2), but the pay was not good and the stress not worth it (or so I felt). I complained. Every. Day. My FI did tell me at one point that he couldn’t handle it anymore. We would fight about it and I would be upset because as my best friend and my partner, I needed him to listen to me vent. He didn’t want to hear about work because he thought I should leave it at home. I was very depressed and then the 12 1/2 months were over and thankfully he stuck by my side and I’m doing much, much better now. However, if there’s no end in sight for your DH, I suggest you set up time for him to vent and then that’s it. Tell him 30 mins a day when he gets home and then after that he has to do something positive or talk about something positive. A lot of times, FI and I would go for walks while I talked so we were doing something positive/productive for ourselves while I was venting and it reduced the stress. I suggest you help find him ways of coping with the stress while still being there to support him. Maybe this is how he gets things off his chest.

To answer your question though, no I don’t think you’re being a bad wife. It can take a toll on someone. And I probably would also tell him to man up lol. But, I think my advice might be better in the long run than telling him to be a man and deal with it 🙂

First of all, I think it’s unfair to make the judgment call that you don’t think his job is hard or demanding. You’re different people and what he can perhaps handle professionally and what you can handle professionally are most likely two very different things. Another thing to keep in mind is that what he deals with and has become accustomed to are very different than what you are accustomed to. The standard of what is expected is different and you really have no idea whether or not your husband can really handle the new pressures or not – maybe he can’t. I think you should try to be a bit more supportive in your actions and the choices you make in what to say and how to say it. You can’t fix the situation with his job, but your concern should be your relationship, and if he feels unsupported at home he most likely won’t stop complaining and it will just get worse.

Here’s my take on people’s different personalities and abilities. Everyone has different limits. His seems to be shorter than yours. That’s fine, but maybe he needs help figuring out how to multitask and that’s why he’s struggling so much. You could potentially help him here. Maybe you can explain to him how your normal workday is, and you’re having a hard time listing to how it’s so tough on him all the time, because you do it every day and you want to help him so that he can multitask better.

Your husband also needs a stress outlet that’s not always you. This is wearing on you and it will not get better unless something somewhere is changed. Maybe he can journal some of his feelings or doanything so he’s not always complaining to you every day.

@JemmaWRX: I’ve tried. He’s very sensetive and gets very hurt if I’m not being “supportive.”

@futuremrsk18: Thank you for offering insight from the other perspective. Of course I want to be there for him and I want him to be happy and to know that he can count on me but you’re absolutely right, it does take a toll after a while.

@star_dust: Herein lies the problem. I know and I hope that the man I married is strong enough to deal with some work pressures and some deadlines. He’s a very capable person in every respect so it just boggles my mind that a few extra assignments and deadlines have him in a tizzy this way. I have been supportive and have been his shoulder to lean on for a long time. I would say about 6 months now that he has been complaining non stop. I went from being supportive and understanding to being irritated because complaining is really not accomplishing anything. Either he has to get used to the work load and expectations, (it’s been 6 months!), or he has to do something about the situation, (which he is not). We’ve sat and brainstormed about what he can do but nothing has come of that.

@Peony007: “Your husband also needs a stress outlet that’s not always you” thank you for reminding me of this! I needed to hear that and to feel ok about not always wanting to be the go to for stress release. Also, he’s really sensetive to any offers of teaching him how to do something, (ie multitask). He sees it as critisism which he does not handle well at all due to long standing “issues.”

The thing that I always remind myself of is the fact that DH has me to come home to. I’m his safe place. I also think guys process differently than girls (in general) where we can vent to a host of friends and guys vent to one person – us.

And, yes, we may be completely sick of hearing them – but what I also realized is that they are looking for affirmation from the one person that can give it to them – us.

In those times when DH is down and out about his job – I put on my most encouraging face and try to make him feel like the most amazing man on earth. Why? because I know it’s the most important thing I can do for him.

Is it easy? HELLS NO!

ETA: The other thing I remind myself of is if I needed to vent about a recurring topic and DH told me he was tired of hearing it – I’d be pretty bummed out. That’s also what keeps me from saying “QUIT YOUR WHINING!” 😉