While riding today 4/20/16 I was feeling pretty good! So I asked myself "What's keeping me sane" at this moment? Well, I started thinking! I enjoy the music I listen to: R&B old and new school! It just puts me in such a mood! A nice mood I can listen to it all day!!!!

It's always a peaceful ride when I do that but the only thing that saddens me is I am alone!!! Then there I go again me and my "imaginary friend" riding shotgun!!!! Smh!! Oh well

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

A bunch of stuff. I sit and wonder what my body is going thru. One day I'm fine and next I feel like taking a handful of sleeping pills....which I keep in my bag at all times.

There are days where I feel like I can take on the world then there are days where I just want to sit and cry all day!!!

I looked up chronic depression and wonder if that was it but then menopause have kinda the same symptoms. Need to see the doctor.

I find sad and scary at the same time when I am driving and wishing maybe even fantasizing someone is in the car with me, psychotic I know! We are riding and listening to music, usually have my R & B playing and my mind goes to town! Then I snap out of it thinking how sad that is! Sounds like I need a PentHouse at the psych ward! Trust me I've thought about it!

Thought about seeing a psychiatrist!

My mind is my worst enemy! I make up a world that don't exist! Maybe because I want it so bad!! Maybe even need it!!

These are the things that plague my mind daily. My feelings are all over the place! There are days when I am mad because I feel this way.

I wish I could start anew.

Make decisions with few, little regret!

Maybe I am in a midlife crisis

Maybe I have general anxiety

Maybe I am depress

In either case it can't go on like this

I was told, when I am ready for change it will happen! So why do I fear this particular change? Maybe because there are too many people involved!

Sometimes I think about just driving and not coming back but then I fear my family won't make it without me but then I say they are survivors, they will be just fine. But why put that burden on them, will that be selfish?-yes?

All I know is I don't wanna feel what I feel because it's not gonna change!

There are days when I want to cry but have no one to comfort me, no shoulder to lean on. So I hold it in! Not good I know but I need someone to understand and console me!

I need that hug that makes "everything go away" that hug that makes you endure a little longer, that hug that says it gonna be okay when you know it won't be, that hug that gives you hope for another day!

I feel so alone and lost! I feel as though I am just going thru the motions of life! What I use to enjoy I don't anymore! How do I bounce back! How do I find Michelle again!! How do I love Michelle the way she needs to be loved!! Everybody needs to be out of my life for that! Sometimes I just want to be alone that way less disappointments!!!! Just me, my cat and yarn!!!