Like any socially conscious steward of Mother Earth, I have minimum standards when it comes to sex. I want my hookers sustainable, my porn carbon neutral, and my sex toys handcrafted from renewable resources.

I don’t care if you’re heterosexual or homosexual as long as you’re eco-sexual.

Sure, you might think the sex industry is inherently sustainable. But you probably don’t realize how many reasons there are to feel guilty about what you’re doing. No, I’m not talking about the porn ‘n’ hookers, silly! It’s the environmental and social impact of sex work that should have your certified organic panties in a bunch. Not to worry, though. Givers like Green Futures deputy editor Anna Simpson are working feverishly to ensure your eco-sexually correct future looks a lot like this (hat tip: Pirate’s Cove):

Feel like watching the latest Fair Trade-certified porn film? The actors all enjoy decent pay, health insurance, and pensions. The carbon impact of the set lighting and travel is offset through investment in clean, efficient cookstoves sold at affordable prices to women in rural Africa.

Perhaps you’d prefer a spot of ethical lap-dancing? You can be sure the performers are all willing and well-paid: It’s certified by Care and Consent, the highly reputable international certification body for ethical sex. You tip generously, knowing that 50 percent of the profits are promised to the local women’s community center.

Or, maybe best of all, you opt for an evening in with your sweetheart. You’ve got everything you need: condoms made from rubber tapped sustainably in Brazil, hand-carved FSC-certified sex toys, and delicious Fair Trade dark chocolate body paint.

Tempted? You’re not alone.

Yes, the Left has discovered yet another segment of society to, er, penetrate: the sex industry.