Hope through the dark places

Christmas Priorities

I’ve been thinking a lot about priorities this week, particularly since Christmas is right around the corner. I need to cut back on some of my activities to allow for its busyness.

Yesterday, as I put groceries in the trunk of my car after shopping, I saw a wreath there, that I’ve been meaning to put out by Bill’s grave. Surely this would be a #1 priority… So, on my way home, I stopped by the cemetary and placed it in front of his monument

But as I was working with it, trying to make it the most perfect wreath in the entire place, I realized Bill would be shaking his head at this. He wouldn’t care much about all of the hullabaloo of the Christmas season. Why would he? He’s with the Christ of Christmas. His top priority.

What’s your priority this Christmas?

Advertisements

Share this:

Like this:

Related

22 Responses

Merry Christmas to all! I am so grateful for this website and the many friends I have made on my journey with grief. It is hard to believe this is my 2nd Christmas without Sam. I know God lead me to this site and has blessed me with the friendship of fellow believers going through grief.
On the darkest of days when sadness is all I can see….God sends me a glimmer of light filled with hope and the promise he will never leave me.
Sandi, Zeina, and Robin you have all touched my life with words of comfort, hope and encouragement…thank you for the gift. Merry Christmas!!

I thought I was the only one going through these feelings. This will be my second without my Cliff and it is worse than last year. I have put up a small tree…bought required presents for family and employees and I could just care less…I just want it over – I want to sleep and I can’t…when I do I get up feeling as if I just cant put one foot n front of another but somehow I get dressed go to the office and do what I have to do. I sometimes think if I stop I will drop yet I have no energy to do a damn thing (pardon my language). I too have caught every single bug there is to be caught since Cliff died…I have not taken the time to grieve…..I think I have put a shield up towards my grief ….I am tired and angry and angry and tired…. This feeling is so bothering me so much. I feel horrible about my attitude. I am so tired of being sad yet I find nothing to be happy about – yes I have a career and a child and grandchildren….but I just want to be left alone and maybe one day not feel so emotionally drained………..I am comforted by this site where I will not be pitied or judged. I know in my brain that one day the pain will lessen but heart makes my brain second guess and the vicious cycle continues. Thanks for the space to write..

Linda, I am so sorry for your loss. This is also my second year. I agree it seems tougher. You will not be judged here for we are all grieving the loss of a loved one. I too get angry and struggle with the lack of energy on some days to put one foot in front of the other. Grief is exhausting and my life will never be the same. From all the wonderful people I have met here, I am assured that the pain will lessen and I will find joy in life again. Please write often and know you are in my prayers. This is one journey you do not have to travel alone. God will never leave you and we are all here for you.

Linda,
I am so sorry. You are going through a really rough time right now. It will get better, but while we are so drained and tired, it seems like it will go on forever. Your attitude is so normal. I went through those feelings too. And I also had a very difficult time getting my heart to accept what my brain told me. Grief is exhausting, but it WILL improve over time. I hope you will check in here and let me know how you’re doing.

Dear Linda,
Much like we suggested with Jenny, you need more time. Try to keep this in mind and give yourself permission to grieve slowly. I don’t want to sound insensitive but an expression I use so often for any number of things is also one I believe applies to grief, – “Slow and steady wins the race.” If we accept we’re not going to be ‘happy’ anytime soon after our loss, we’re more likely to accept what seems slow progress at times.

I find some of us are inclined to push through life after our loss, putting that “shield” up when we can so we do get things done. But we should know our limits. Save that shield for the public. Once home, what you do there should be your business, Linda. Sleep whenever you wish. After your obligations (work, bill paying, a bit of housekeeping) have been met, do whatever it is that feels right for you. And try not to worry about any particular ‘attitude’. This is one of those things that probably falls into the “own worst enemy” category, meaning there’s nothing wrong with your attitude so you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself.

I think we all tend to forget grieving, like parenting, doesn’t come with a handbook. It’s foreign to us. So we stumble through, learning as we go. If we’re lucky, we’ll have a great support system as we do, helping us find some measure of success, and then, ultimately, a different type of happiness. It takes time and practice. Each year gets better, easier.

Linda, I hope you’ll take this one day at a time. If you worry, try to worry only about today; plenty for any of us to put on our plates.

Wishing you well and praying each day you’ll find some small reason to give yourself a pat on the back.

Not sure if this will help but in my first months and year after our daughter’s death, a friend said she could always tell when I was tired. Only then did I tend to cry in front of friends. I’m a Type A personality so keeping busy was not new to me, nor was the desire to ‘hold it together’. But I failed to factor in the body’s need for additional rest during the process of grieving. Not one for taking naps, I wasn’t able to do but so much about this.

Jenny (any/all who visit here), be sure to allow time for extra rest. And do eat well!

Sandi, I see I missed your comment but clearly we’re both thinking the same thing. I may not have been very good about resting myself but I do know healing a heart is hard work and takes much CARE. We should be mindful to CARE for ourselves, especially if we happen to be the one caring for and leading others.

Robin and Sandi,
I agree with you on the rest and eating well. I got every virus that went around the first year of grief. In the past couple of days, I have come down with a bad cold….so only shows how weak our immune system gets when we are grieving, worrying and not listening to our bodies. I am trying to slow down now and rest. Thank you for the wonderful advice and most of all for being here.

It will get better.Just try to do whatever you feel comfortable doing. Before my husband died he told me that he didn’t want me hanging around the cemetery. “I won’t be there,” he said, “and you shouldn’t be either.” One day I even got mad and screamed at God. “Why did you take him away from me?” God spoke to me very clearly in my spirit and said, “I didn’t take him away from you, he wasn’t yours, he belongs to me.” That was so true and life goes on. We need to find joy, one day at a time, in the ones that are still in our life.

Wanda,
Thank you, I love what you said, particularly “We need to find joy, one day at a time, in the ones that are still in our life.” That is so true. I didn’t fully appreciate that til my husband died.

Sandi,
I didn’t know your Bill but if he was anything like mine, he would probably smile as you went on about adjusting your wreath until it met your high standards. In being YOU, with all your natural gifts and personality traits, your priorities are in order. “For we are His workmanship…” Ephesians 2:10 KJV

I was just thinking the other day that it’s been some time since we’ve been to the cemetery. I feel quite guilty, though I know our sweet girl’s gravesite is not at all about her, but is instead for us; a place to visit while we live out our days on earth. My mind can process this so logically but the heart of a mother says, “You should have made time for this. She so deserves to have her resting place adorned by beautiful blooms year round.” What would our sweet girl think of this? She’d likely suggest I do just as I have – whatever I must each day to pass the time and find any measure of joy. As you know, for us, this is all about the time we spend with our precious grandsons. How she would have lovethem, doted upon them just as we do, taking very seriously her role as their aunt. Of course, she’d probaby have a little one of her own by now.

Most of us tend to put unncecessary pressure on ourselves. Truth is, few probably care much at all what we do or don’t get done at Christmas, or any other time of year for that matter. As parents, we taught our children, “Just do the best you can.” I’ve been learning to make that my priority.

Robin,
I love your priority. What an ease of pressure it is to realize it doesn’t really matter much what we do and don’t get done at Christmas. So, why are we so hard on ourselves even when we know better?

Jenny,
You’re right, your feelings for this Christmas are so normal! Please don’t be hard on yourself for feeling this way. I hope you will give yourself the grace to do only the decorating or holiday preparations you really want to do. I still don’t do a lot.

Sandi,
Thank you for again letting me know I am “normal” in my grief. My entire life I have been harder on myself than anyone else and as I read your words…I heard my mom speaking to me…which is wonderful. Thank you again for this post and for always being here for all of us. I am grateful to God for leading me to this site.

Sandi,
Your post came in the nick of time! I do not know what my priority is this Christmas because I seem to be avoiding this holiday all together. It seems as if I avoid preparing, then the holiday will come and go quickly. This feeling is bothering me so much. I have done the minimum decorations, not mailed packages yet, putting off everything…and feeling horrible about my attitude. I am afraid to admit this to anyone for fear of a lecture on “feeling sorry” for myself or not doing enough for my boys. I want to feel better and I believe my feelings this Christmas are normal as this 2nd season without Sam and it is so much more real to me. I am comforted by this site where I will not be judged or lectured for continuing to grieve. Also knowing that one day the pain will lessen. My oldest son comes home in a week, so I keep hoping each day I will get the energy to decorate or finish my preparation for the holidays. I am so happy he is coming home, but my heart still hurts.

Jenny, please try not to beat yourself up over this. This isn’t about feeling ‘sorry for yourself’. Anyone who’d dare think that is seriously lacking in compassion. 2nd year of holidays? You’re still very early into your grief. It takes time to adjust. I can tell from your words you’re making progress. Take credit for the hard work you’ve done already, and the successes you’ve had. It all adds up, bit by bit. Eventually, you’ll look back and realize, “I’m doing pretty well!” It will happen. As I said last week, 10 years later and my husband and I could care less about a Christmas tree. It’s just no longer a need for us. That may change. It may not.

This year, ask yourself, “What’s the worst that will happen if cards don’t go out, decorations don’t go up, or packages are delayed? My guess is the answer will be “nothing!” I understand the concern about the boys but they’re not little, right? Have you considered a heart to heart with them? Talking about your challenges right now may allow them to open up about their own, should they have them. If not, surely they’ll appreciate your honesty.

I just remembered that a friend whose son died 5 years ago decided she should have special PJs for the times she wants to lounge around the house, unable to face the world. Ladies, I’m with her. Cute pajamas can be very therapeutic. Reasonably priced, Target has an assortment of holiday nightshirts and PJs – very brightly colored. Maybe you could use some funny slippers to add a little chuckle to your morning or evening routine. What about colorful dishes, champagne flutes or candy bowls? I’m already there. Yes! to all of the above.

Robin,
Thank you so much for your words of wisdom and comfort. I appreciate you understanding that I am making progress and trying my best to put one foot in front of the other. You are so right…I am making progress although at times I can’t see how far I have come for I can only see how far I have to go. I truly appreciate the reminder and your post brought me so much comfort. I love the idea of special PJs. A few years ago a one of my best friends gave me and another one of our friends these bright green fleece jackets…we call them our “house coats”. I have found on my gloomy days the jacket makes me feel warm and safe…also brings me a smile as I think of my girlfriends.
I also love what you said to Sandi and reminded me of what I always say to my boys, “just do the best you can”! Thank you so much for the reminder! I will graciously take your wonderful advice and talk to my boys (17 and 19 years old). With all my heart, thank you for being here to listen and offer words of comfort and wisdom.

Jenny,
Robin has such wisdom, doesn’t she? You ARE early in your grief. Please be kind to yourself and pay attention to what your body is telling you. Sometimes the body and the emotions don’t want to work together, but I’ve found (and I’m learning to listen to it!) that my body knows what I can and can’t handle. And it tells me.

Sandi,
I am learning to listen to you, Robin and Zeina with your words of wisdom. In turn I am sharing your words with some friends that are also struggling through this holiday season. I truly appreciate all of you. I am reading every post and taking all to heart. I am looking for some joy in each day for I know God shows himself to me each day. I am taking naps although I have a list of things to do….my body is so tired from grief. I never realized the toll that my emotions could take on my body! You are so right, listen to my body…as a runner I am aware of my body and the changes from lack of sleep or not eating right..but until Sam died I never realized how my emotions would suck the energy right out of my body. It certainly takes a lot of energy to put one foot in front of the other each day. To someone unfamiliar with grief that may sound lazy, but to a person living with grief….facing the day can be as tiring as runnning a marathon! This holiday time of year is my marathon and I am so grateful for my friends here that have given me words of comfort and strengthened me with their wonderful comments. All of you are a blessing and thank you!!

Jenny,
What a great comparison: the energy drain of grief with the energy drain of a marathon! I like this. I never ran a marathon, but my husband did and he sure came home beat! And add all the emotions of grief flying around too…might be even worse than a marathon!

"Words of wisdom from those who have had to walk through grief: be gracious/patient/forgiving when we forget appointments, change our minds at the last minute, don't return phone calls, act a lil' crazy."
Kelly Schleyer Powers

"You do not work through bereavement. It works through you."
Virginia Ironside,
'You'll Get Over It'-The Rage of Bereavement

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love."
Washington Irving

"I wish you would've told me," she said, "that losing you would be like losing my life."
...taken from author, Mary De Muth's novel, The Muir House.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."
Psalm 147:3

"In a world rocky with human failure, there is a land lush with divine mercy. Your Shepherd invites you there. He wants you to lie down. Nestle deeply until you are hidden, buried, in the tall shoots of his love, and there you will find rest."
...Max Lucado,Traveling Light