Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Bachelorette Recap Week Seven: Prague

At first glance I thought Ames was
back with us from Ashley Hebert’s season during the introduction and I almost
rejoiced. But then I realized it was just a really weird camera angle of Chris.
Devastating. The gang has arrived in Prague. Before we get to actually see
anybody we are treated to several camera angles of the same sun peeking around
statues and ancient buildings. And finally, there is Emily dragging that trusty
turquoise suitcase to her hotel. We still don't buy this you-have-muscles ploy,
Em. And, OHMYGAWD, stop everything! I just realized Emily is not a natural
blonde. Her roots are out to play. You are on national television, Maynard, get
that fixed while you get your horrible spray tan.

First date card arrives and Sean
reads it under the piercing glare of Chris willing Sean to say his name. No
such luck. Arie gets to "Czech out Prague" with Emily. Am I jealous?
With a pun like that? No. Emily arrives to pick up Arie and hugs every guy.
Arie wants to punch everyone who touches her but carries a tour book to
otherwise occupy his hands and accessorize his elbow-padded jacket that he
likely shares with Jef. They walk around Prague and kiss. Dangerous. She makes
a giant deal out of a relationship that Arie had with now-engaged producer
Cassie Lambert several years ago (which probably just means they passed check
yes or no notes in third grade). But, true to form, ABC plays up the drama as
much as possible. Emily sounds like a squeaky hamster wheel when she gets
upset, "I wouldn't care if he had just told me about it--he's a great
kisser!" Logic. What? How did we jump from trust issues to kissing? Great
kissing does not equal a great relationship. A great relationship is what leads
to excellent kisses. Learn the sequence. Chris Harrison finally puts the entire
matter to rest by explaining that Cassie, Arie, and Emily had a nice chat about
the past and held hands around a campfire whilst humming kumbaya in three-part
harmony.

Emily and Arie decide to forego
their five star meal and feast on each other's faces instead (Miami? Bath
salts? Too soon?). Arie then sets himself up for heartbreak by blurting out
that "I think I realized I loved you in Croatia...probably around the same
time I was pushing you up against a wall." It's been barely six weeks and
he's tossing around the L word? Scary. I don't see how you can spit out that
word when the relationship is nowhere near exclusive yet. He's setting himself
up to get hurt and that angers me. Don't be stupid. Guard your heart Arie;
she's not JUST yours, just yet.

John the data destruction
specialist gets the next date. He needs to use his destructions skills to destroy
his red/pink color collar combination. They go somewhere that I want to go to
SO BAD. It's a bridge with locks all over the edges that symbolize the eternal
love of various couples. I've wanted to venture there ever since I saw it on
Pinterest. It looks super romantic and cheesy. Which doubles as my middle name.
John and Emily eat dinner; kiss; go home. There are no fireworks; literal OR
metaphorical.

Sean wanders the streets of Prague
to find Emily, walking up and down random alleys calling her name. He finally
finds her walking alone (rape city?) and proceeds to make out with her against
a wall. I'm sure it was just too convenient of an opportunity to pass up.
Seriously, is he trying to BE Arie now? First by breaking the rules to go find
Emily and second by taking a cue from that previous wall philandering.

Group date: Sean, Doug, and Chris

They all fight to hold their
umbrella over Emily. She has her own. #independent #respect

Doug and Emily sit next to each
other in a castle turret but Doug just cannot get cuddly. Emily hates that and
sets speed to the break-up train. Oh, and during the break up speech he kisses
her. And it's midsentence. And she continues with her current train of thought
after that kiss. It clearly didn't do anything for her. He tells her to
"have a good one" after she finishes breaking up with him. And then
he bawls in the backseat of mini van on the way to airport. It breaks my heart
when people see their value in another person. He mentions that he is looking
for that person to make his family with his son complete. A relationship
shouldn't MAKE you, it should make you BETTER. You can be a perfectly whole,
complete person without a significant other. I hope he learns that before he
passes on his perceptions to his son.

Chris decides that confrontation is
the best policy. He's wrong, of course. PMSing is not attractive, Chris.
Jealousy has its place...to a point. He takes it too far. But somehow still
gets a couch make out sesh because Emily is apparently going for a
kiss-every-single-guy-here-in-one-episode rose. Sean gets the date rose and Chris
smiles maliciously. Sean should sleep with one eye open because Crazy Eyes is
on the blink.

Jef. If he could fix his name and
his hair I'd like him even more. They find the most amazing library I've
ever seen (except for maybe Bizzell cause that place is pretty cool too) and role-play
with puppets. It's kind of awkward. But really adorable at the same time. Jef
says his parents won't be there at the hometown date. Because "they are
committed to something for a few years". Sounds exceptionally sketchy. One
f hipster Jef is the product of a mafia style family? Curveball. I can't stop
smiling at their date. Even when they get horizontal on the library floor.
Those poor books can't unsee that.

Rose ceremony. Chris really needs
to lay off those 'roids. He's more emotional than me. Emily skips the pomp and
circumstance of the cocktail party (even though she's dressed for it in a
sequined stripper dress) and makes a speech. It's really long so I tune out and
text Tyler back. Jef gets a rose. Arie gets a rose. Suspenseful music
plays....aaaaand Chris makes a last desperate attempt in talking to Emily. If I
was John I'd be furious. And somehow, his ploy works. Chris gets the last rose.
I shout gibberish at the screen.

John leaves and is "a little
disappointed." I am so glad he took it slow with her. Because that means
he isn't completely crushed. He is so matter-of-fact that I know their
relationship never would have taken off. But I'm still upset that I don't get
to see his face on my TV every Monday night anymore.

DOES ANYONE ELSE SEE THAT EMILY AND
JESSICA SIMPSON COULD BE TWINSIES?!? Mind blown right now. Next week looks like
a lot of slow motion and a lot of crying. The season can only go up from there
right? Or am I just an optimistic Very Lucky Girl?