Into the Arms of My Lover…..Sweet, Sweet Porn

Who do you turn to when you fight with your partner?

I was having a very intimate conversation with my friend, Kevin, the other day when the topic turned to porn:

“She says it is like having an emotional affair.” he said, almost incredulous that his wife could feel that way.

“Well, let me ask you. When you are upset at her or you guys are fighting do you go to the porn instead of her?” I asked hoping I might be able to help him explore this issue without feeling attacked or judged.

“Well….yeah.”

“And, when you feel rejected or abandoned by her do you go to the porn?”

“Well…yeah. And she told me to stop watching it because she said it was like me cheating on her so I said I would stop. ”

“And you didn’t, right?”

“Right. Who is she to tell me what to do?”

“Okay, so that becomes an excuse for you to lie to her in your marriage? And you wonder how she could say it is like having an emotional affair?”

♦◊♦

Imagine you are a man like Kevin and you have just had a fight with your partner (male or female.) Your feelings are hurt. It hits a wound inside of you from the past. You may or may not realize this. Regardless, you run to your lover. You go into the basement and turn on your computer. Or you pull the magazines out from your newest hiding spot. Maybe you run down to the local adult video store. With the wound still hurting you run straight into the arms of your lover. Porn will never turn you away. Porn does not demand your vulnerability or accountability for your behavior. Or for you to simply communicate. Or to stop and listen to acknowledge the other being who is part of the relationship. Porn is always there for you and does not demand any risk or intimacy.

Maybe you are a man who finds it difficult to talk about sex with his partner. You do not know how to ask for what you want. Or you simply don’t feel comfortable talking about it. Porn doesn’t care. Porn will give you whatever you want and you don’t have to ask for it. Just put close to the content you are looking for into Google or Google video and, as if your lover is covering you in kisses, hundreds of sites appear from which you can choose.

There are many other scenarios I could describe. Newly sober and don’t know how to talk to women or men. Wounded as a child sexually and never been able to be open about your sex or sexuality with another. You’re simply curious. Or looking for something to enhance your sex life. Or your partner doesn’t want to have sex as much as you do. Regardless of the scenarios, one thing I can say with confidence is if porn is a secret in your relationship it is a problem.

If we, men, could be honest with each other the kinds of conversations described above would be happening every day all over the world. But it seems hard for men to talk openly and honestly about sex without the bravado and the sixth-grade humor. You may find some benefits to the use of porn, perhaps as a way to enhance your relationship with your partner. Ultimately, if you have concerns about your porn use only you can make that determination as to whether it is a serious problem for you – with the help of others, such as sites like Feed the Right Wolf. The rest is your journey to explore for yourself.

About Dan Griffin

Dan Griffin, M.A., has worked in the mental health and addictions field for over sixteen years. He lives in Minnesota with his beautiful wife and two-year old daughter and has been in recovery for 17 years. He wrote A Man’s Way Through the Twelve Steps (Hazelden) and co-authored Helping Men Recover. Do you want to read more of Dan’s writing and learn more about his work? You can go to: www.dangriffin.com.

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What is a guy supposed to do when there is no love or desire for intimacy in his marriage. Because she became disabled (well after the love was gone) divorce is not possible. Prostitution would be better but that happens to be illegal and very expensive in Nevada. So for some of us porn is all we have.

Wow Traveler4444 – i would have never thought of such a scenario. That is a very interesting question. I think whatever comes out of the conversation with your partner – it sounds like couples counseling good be of some help. Of course, I am biased as I believe it can almost always help if you have a good counselor. Not sure what to do but I do believe that anything is possible through communication.

Hi Erin( et al) – Erin – sounds like you could write a great article (if you haven’t already. If you have please send me the link.) I really appreciate your responses. I know there is no clear answer and these guys are trying to make sense of this the best they can as well. There is a lot of hurt around these issues. Hopefully people heard the compassion I have for the men who find themselves in this situation. It is not easy. A lot of men act like victims around this topic – a lot of men I… Read more »

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7 years ago

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elissa

Putting aside the use of porn/masturbation as a relationship detachment activity, there is an order of magnitude increase in perceived depravity for imagining men masturbating to young women in their fantasy versus film. It’s just more added evidence for the belief that male sexuality is depraved – a real life slippery slope. Masturbating to fantasies or film of you and your partner would probably be viewed as romantic, by the sexually jealous otherwise. I think the best label for this is sexual jealousy. “Not that there is anything wrong with that….” (Seinfeld reference).

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7 years ago

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Budmin

I’m going out on a lim here to state the obvious, porn shouldn’t share the same level of importance as family or companionship. What I’m seeing from this article however is the desire to cure the symptom of a bad relationship: “Stop watching porn” rather then solving the real problem: “Woman Give Me Back My Balls”

The gentleman in this article seems to be using porn to punish his wife for being so domineering. To this I say Dude find a lawyer because I sure she already has.

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7 years ago

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Erin

The question for me is that if the problem is who has a man’s balls if it’s not the man, is it really women that have them or is porn that does, Budmin.

great comments everyone – thanks for engaging in the idea. If you read this as anti-porn that is your own stuff because it was not.

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7 years ago

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wellokaythen

Help me label this situation: let’s say I have an argument with my wife, she shuts down the conversation, I feel tense about it, and later I masturbate without porn, using only my imagination. In that case, am I emotionally cheating on her with myself?

I ask in part because I think our society’s view of porn is entangled with our society’s view of masturbation in general. An unhealthy attitude towards one usually comes with an unhealthy attitude towards the other.

My answer would be to ask you (the general you): does this tension relieving activity happen every time there is tension with your wife? Or tension in your life? Are you more eager to destress and disconnect from a loved one, or are you more eager to stay connected through the conflict?
The activity could be anything-running, drinking, smoking etc. Is it causing a disconnect from the spouse and new loyalty to the activity or is it a “sometimes” kind of deal that helps until you can reconnect.

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7 years ago

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Erin

That’s a really stellar question Julie. I would be curious how that question would be answered by guys!

Wow, Erin. Great comment. I am not sure a lot of men empathize to the degree that you describe here. Not because they are inconsiderate or assholes. Or can’t. They just don’t tend to think about what it would be like. It could be a helpful exercise. I imagine men’s responses would run the gamut just as women’s do but I do think it’d bring out a lot of insecurities that men have around their sexual relationships. I am pretty sure it would for me, at least.

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7 years ago

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Erin

Thanks for the honest and direct response Dan! And thanks for explaining why men may not be able to empathize to the degree I described. I have thrown that comment out before and I usually found it ignored and it always made me feel a little deflated that it got ignored.

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7 years ago

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Archy

If you have an argument with your wife/husband, would sex be the first thing on your mind to destress? There would be times I’d be too annoyed to want to be with a partner, but I’d still use masturbation to destress. One aspect could be the seeking solitude, running to the mancave behaviour that is put upon men stereotypically, so a method of coping and destressing would be to seek solitude in that mancave and masturbate, or watch tv, play games, etc. This is something I use a lot, infact one of the very best methods of lowering my anxiety… Read more »

That is an interesting question. I am not sure, quite honestly. I think the points that several people are making – that porn is not the only thing that can cause problems with intimacy and a relationship – are important. I can only say for myself it is not a problem or concern about masturbation or even using porn, per se, but how it affects my relationship. If I was not using porn and still sitting in the basement masturbating and avoiding my partner for whatever reason that could become a problem. One time does not necessarily constitute a problem… Read more »

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7 years ago

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Transhuman

Porn is an easily available stimulation substitute for sex with a person; in that sense it is valuable. I believe there is opposition to porn because it is easily obtainable. Consider, when a partner withholds sex as a tactic during a dispute, porn nullifies the tactic. When a partner doesn’t want sex because of waning interest, porn provides an alternative. When a partner wants to use sex as a reward, porn nullifies the importance of the reward. Essentially, porn “devalues” sex with another person when sex is used by that person as a commodity. I believe there are direct parallels… Read more »

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7 years ago

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Aya

I don’t really think that’s it, Tanshuman…Although I’m pro-porn, I do have fears over it. My biggest fear, if a little irrational, is that my man would watch so much porn that he’s not be able to get an erection or orgasm from sex with me because a real woman wouldn’t be enough stimulation. That’s what terrifies me, not some weird commodity thing. At that point though, I’d feel more than justified for cheating or exiting the relationship. Regular sex and feeling desirable are extremely important to me in a relationship. The other part of it is the communication thing… Read more »

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7 years ago

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Jon D

” If a man has porn, he might get lazy and not make his sexual needs known to me, which will lead to bitterness and a poor sex life. Or get so engrossed in one thing that I’ll never be able to provide it..” This is a reasonable concern and one that I have identified within myself. I have made an effort to scale back on my porn consumption because I began to notice changes in my arousal, in my sexual relationship with my wife, and it was because of exactly what you outline here. I had been focusing on… Read more »

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7 years ago

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Copyleft

I wonder if it’s worth exploring the concept of porn an alternative sexuality all its own–“pornosexual,” perhaps. One who prefers images to physical contact.

Because I know several guys who are emphatic about preferring porn over the hassle of relationships, and I’m hesitant to lazily label that some sort of sickness when it might simply be a preference.

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7 years ago

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wellokaythen

Just label porn as a “sex toy” and it’s all good. Sex toys are presumed to be supplements to one’s sex life and symbols of independence and self-actualization. Furthermore, with sex toys a jealous partner is simply insecure to feel jealous of a little toy like that. To deny one’s partner the solo use of a sex toy is to be an insensitive sexual dictator. (Which is great if you consent to be dictated to, but bad if you don’t.)

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7 years ago

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who knows?

Good points!

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7 years ago

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jrd

I wonder what percentage of the women who do not like their partners viewing porn use sex toys.

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7 years ago

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Amanda

This seems like a very reasonable thing that men (society?) could consider moving forward. With porn’s prevalence getting higher and higher, we may find that, frankly, there are more men who prefer a fantasy-style, non-real relationship to a real one. Lest this sound like a blanket admonishment of porn, it’s not. But if the porn is preferred over real sex (when there is a willing and sexual female/partner present) then really, that person has a very different sexual preference than what is the norm in a relationship. I used to feel morally righteous about this–like somehow, a man preferring the… Read more »

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7 years ago

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assman

“But if the porn is preferred over real sex (when there is a willing and sexual female/partner present) then really, that person has a very different sexual preference than what is the norm in a relationship.” There aren’t men who prefer porn to a woman. Actually it makes me kind of angry to hear this. It would be like telling a poor person that they are poor because they just like the lifestyle. There are men who can’t get women. In that case porn is their only alternative. I know many men who consume porn and even prostitutes. All of… Read more »

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7 years ago

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married man

What’s a “non-real relationship”? I’d argue that many men consider many women’s idea of an ideal relationship to be non-real. Or also primarily based in fantasyland. I think there are plenty of us who resort to porn because our spouses are either not willing, or not very sexual. I know I get so sick of it that sometimes even when she’s willing, I just think “Fuck it, this has gone on so long. What’s the point? I don’t feel like pretending this is working tonight.” I’d very much prefer a real lover over porn. But someone who gets turned on… Read more »

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7 years ago

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Erin

Thta’s interesting thaty ou said that married man. Because when I know my partner is looking at porn, I think the same thing, “Fuck it, nothing I do is ever going to make him stop being interested in porn. What is even the point of trying to make our sex life interesting. Whatever I do, the result wil lbe the same. He will, at some point, go back to his fantasy world that is about 10 times more exciting then anything I could ever be fore him.” So I found myself putting less effort and not wanting to feel as… Read more »

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7 years ago

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Archy

Well Erin, I presume quite a few women already are masturbating with the images of the “perfect male” in their mind. I see things a bit differently though, if they want to fantasize about that, go ahead, but if they come back to me and want to spend time with me then that is the special part. Fantasy doesn’t have to be about reality, I fantasize about things I wouldn’t want to do in reality, my partner can fantasize about others if she wishes as long as it doesn’t interfere with our relationship. It’s important for couples to draw up… Read more »

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7 years ago

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jrd

Archy says: “I fantasize about things I wouldn’t want to do in reality”

I have seen similar comments given for why women should not be concerned when their partners use porn, that just because a man is fantasizing about another woman does not mean he wants to be with her. I don’t understand because I fantasize only about what I am unable to have and wish that I could.

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7 years ago

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Archy

Ever heard of a popular fantasy where women fantasize about being raped? Sometimes, some people just fantasize about various subjects without actually wanting them. I fantasize about being James Bond, living a life on the edge with beautiful women but no way do I want that because that means living a life where my partners will probably die, my life is at risk and I couldn’t settle n feel safe anywhere. There are hetero men who fantasize about homosexual acts, doesn’t mean they want to have sex with men, sometimes just the IDEA of something can turn a person on,… Read more »

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7 years ago

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Erin

Archy, I am sure there are plenty of women masturbating with the images of the perfect male. But I am not one of them and I don’t date other women that do. If you are fine with your partner fantasizing about anything they want and they are on the same page as you regarding this, then you don’t have an issue. It is however an issue I struggle with concerning personal relationships. Sorry, if I see my guy looking at breast implanted 18 year olds, a part of me is going to naturally conclude that at least a part of… Read more »

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7 years ago

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Archy

The quick answer would be that men all vary in what they want, hence the importance of asking your partner. I’ll try answer some of your points but my mind is in la la land atm from medication. I’m not trying to ignore your comments to married man, I tried to address some but I am doing so with a mind that is extremely tired so I am obviously missing parts of the conversation. At the moment large paragraphs are quite scary as I am getting about 4 sentences in before it becomes a large struggle to understand. But I… Read more »

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7 years ago

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Erin

Right well, I wish you a healthy recovery from your surgery but this conversation simply isn’t going anywhere. And frankly, I am tired of being told how much more imiportant men’s sexual needs are over everything else.

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7 years ago

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Archy

Thanks, it’s healing up nicely. I think the important thing is for couples to decide where the boundaries lay, and to be mindful of each others needs. I myself am not dating atm so my porn viewing atm may change when I do date, I’d have to talk about it with my future partner to see if it bothers her but I’d probably rather just have sex with her than look at porn, or possibly make some our eyes only porn for fun. I’m not sure who is saying men’s needs are more or less important, it all needs to… Read more »

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7 years ago

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Aya

Even with sex toys, if a woman uses them while excluding her partner from her sex life, that’s grounds for a re-evaluation of the relationship. It’s one thing to use them when your man can’t be there or use them together for extra stimulation and variety–it’s another to deny sex in favor of using your toy. Or to make a man feel inadequate because his penis doesn’t vibrate the way that a toy does. Or isn’t the correct size/shape/color. As for the ‘pornosexual’ thing. That’s not a bad call. The important thing is to be honest and not to enter… Read more »

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7 years ago

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tcb

I wonder if people are noticing the porn thing is more of an issue in long term vs short term relationships? Who’s going to leave their new game and willing girl friend to head off for some alone time? Few, I’d guess.

I’d also guess that it’s less a matter of needing anything in particular than just needing variety and stimulation. In that sense, I think it’s always a possibility.

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7 years ago

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who knows?

I wouldn’t say porn “nullifies” any of those things. But it can sometimes take the edge off a bit.

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7 years ago

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Jon D

I do understand why some women hate porn and dislike it when their men admit to watching it and masturbating to it. In this situation, a man should not choose the path of least resistance, that is, saying he won’t watch it then hiding it later and lying about it hoping not to get caught, just to keep things smooth. Men should talk about it openly and if they intend to continue watching porn despite their partner’s objections, that should be made clear so that it doesn’t shift the focus of the issue from the porn over to the lying… Read more »

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7 years ago

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Copyleft

That’s a sensible solution, but it will never work. It doesn’t feed into the “men shouldn’t want that” theme, which is the real point of the anti-porn crusaders.

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7 years ago

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Jon D

A man who watches porn and does not want to enter into a relationship with a woman who is staunchly against it and wishes to forbid her partner to watch it, should be honest about what he wants and it doesn’t matter if she believes “men shouldn’t want that” . That man does want that, and he is free to watch it so he is free to choose not to be in a relationship with a woman who disagrees. People shouldn’t want to smoke cigarettes either but they do. If I am staunchly anti-smoking and I meet a woman who… Read more »

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7 years ago

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who knows?

Is watching porn really a “big ticket item” in most relationships?

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7 years ago

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Jon D

I would say not in most relationships. But in the cases where it is, when one person has a major problem with it, lying about it to avoid discussing it will only serve to kick the can down the road and eventually those issues around it will return, just more intense because he lied about it.

I think it is bigger than we think. A lot of men feel shame around it and it is a secret. Pull 100 men randomly into a room and make it safe enough for them to talk about their use or porn and the numbers would be high. I have no idea how high. I think it occurs on a continuum as well – for some it is watching porn and it is relatively harmless while for others it is a problem in their relationship/s while for still others it is a serious problem.

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7 years ago

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Laura

You are so right – the secretiveness is the issue – not the porn itself. My husband and i are very open with his need to utilise porn. If I’m ‘out of action’ for whatever reason, and i am at home, he just says to me “Honey, I’m just going to TCB (Take Care of Business)” and i’m fine with that I don’t have an issue because i recognise that it is a conduit to a physical need (provided its on sanctioned websites that are virus free – boy was i unimpressed when his old porn sites required me to… Read more »

Thanks Laura – yes, that is the thrust of my point. I am not anti-porn. Nor do I think porn is the only thing that can get in the way of relationship. I do believe that Kevin and many other men, including me at one point, do a great disservice to our relationships if we are not mature enough to talk about our use of porn with our partners.

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7 years ago

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Random_Stranger

Is this really specific to porn though? Couldn’t golf, reading or staying late at the office also count -if indulged with the unspoken intent to separate one from his/her partner? I’m troubled with the focus on porn as uniquely culpable to the decline of relationships (and society at large as some might argue) as porn is a highly gendered indulgence. Vastly more men than women consume porn and with greatly frequency; it simply appeals to us in a way that accesses the hard wiring deep in the recesses of the id. When we talk about porn as a destructive force… Read more »

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7 years ago

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GMP Moderator

Couple of reminders to everyone: We do not have full time moderators. Sometimes a comment will be held in moderation for a long time, not because there is a problem, but because there just aren’t any moderators on to look at it. Second, as the commenting policy explains, there are certain words and phrases that trigger a comment to be held in moderation via an automatic process. If your comment is put into moderation, that does not necessarily indicate there is a problem with it. It merely indicates that you used a potentially problematic word, is extremely long, or used… Read more »

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7 years ago

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Archy

So they have a fight and he uses a common stress reliever with the aid of porn, yeah….she might want to ask herself why he’s looking at it. The reality of why men or women look at porn is probably much better than what some of their partners assume, sometimes people just wanna look at sex and get off. Does she ever retreat into fantasy-mediums, romance novels or romantic movies, fantasizing about relationships with others?

What’s with all the hostility towards porn on this site anyway, are good men those who refrain from porn?

If you read my post as anti-porn or hostile toward porn you projected onto it something that is not there or certainly not what I wanted to communicate. My point is that porn can become an easy substitute and avoidance – and even that is a person’s prerogative – but if you can’t have an open and honest conversation with your partner about it then it would be hard to say that does not hurt the relationship.

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7 years ago

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Sarah

Is it common for men to have trouble asking for what they want sexually? because honestly, most men I’ve been with in my life have been quite assertive (in a good way) or in some cases pushy (in a bad way) about asking for what they want, whether it ‘s more frequent sex or more blow jobs or trying anal sex or asking me to do whatever particular thing turns them on. Feeling pressured to do things I don’t want has been an issue in some relationships, never the opposite, that I can think of.

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7 years ago

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From the other side

I’m one of those pushy (I hope in a good way) guys and I’ve got to agree with you. I don’t think the asking is the problem, at least for some of us. I think this is the key point: “Porn is always there for you…” I mean, it’s easy, when you need easy. Most days, I’m going to be horny, whatever else may be going on in my relationship. Just like I’m going to be hungry, or thirsty, or need to deal with any other bodily functions. And if we had a big fight and I’m starving I’m not… Read more »

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7 years ago

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Jon D

I think a lot of it has to with a woman’s overall receptiveness to sex and her attitude, her approach, and expression of her sexuality. It is much easier for a man to express his desires with a woman who is open and sexual, whereas some women who are more reserved may make a man feel afraid to open up for fear of offending or shocking their partner. And running the risk of putting her off, making her confidence even more non-existent, and making sex even less free from the burden of shame.

I agree Jon but for me, bottomline it is about communication and compromise. If it dos not work to sort through it on your own then a couples counselor. I think a lot of men use the difference ideas and/or sexual needs as an excuse to look at porn.

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7 years ago

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Danny

If we, men, could be honest with each other the kinds of conversations described above would be happening every day all over the world. But it seems hard for men to talk openly and honestly about sex without the bravado and the sixth-grade humor. Then let’s talk about why that bravado and sixth grade humor is there in the first place. As men we are raised to believe that its an essential part male sexuality. And its being reinforceded on nearly every side. I know I’m skating what is commonly known as Nice Guy territory but there is truth to… Read more »

Hi Terence – obviously the post hit a nerve with you. I didn’t write about women. I didn’t say how they do or do not talk about sex and frankly, I don’t care. It wasn’t the point. I am focused on men and men’s experiences. For whatever reason you read a lot into it that wasn’t there. Thanks for the comment, nonetheless.

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7 years ago

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Copyleft

You’ve sold me, Dan. Porn is definitely superior to relationships. I never saw anyone spell out the benefits and advantages so clearly before!

Assuming you were not being serious and attempting to get a laugh, I have to say I laughed out loud at your response.

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7 years ago

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Terence Manuel

“If we, men, could be honest with each other the kinds of conversations described above would be happening every day all over the world. But it seems hard for men to talk openly and honestly about sex without the bravado and the sixth-grade humor.” And women can? You must be nuts! Seriously! How often do you read of women complaining about being unable to speak up about what they want in bed? A lot. There are so many non-orgasmic women because they just refuse to speak up. They think the man should read their minds! So we men get blamed… Read more »