Sunday, December 13, 2009

Things that Chap My Ass About Christmas

Santa was never elected, he apparently just took over the whole process when nobody was looking.

He wears a red suit. Duh.

Claus sounds a lot like Claws. And a claw looks a lot like a sickle, which as everybody knows is the symbol of communism. He’s got the population under continuous surveillance, and he keeps lists of people based on some arbitrary socialist measure of good and bad. People stand in line to see him, in fact there are queues everywhere during the Christmas season – and standing in line is one of the defining pillars of socialism.

Then there’s the whole gift thing. He apparently sneaks into your house at night - without a warrant or probable cause or any kind of Constitutional controls, I mean you don’t need to be sent to a reeducation camp to see this do you? And he leaves presents for the “good” kids based on some kind of arcane request system – which to me sounds a heck of a lot like “From each according to his ability, to each according to his need” – and the presents are made in some kind of collective factory run by an oppressed ethnic workforce. And the “bad” kids? They get a lump of coal – the very symbol of the lumpenproletariat – it’s like he’s just rubbing your face in it, isn’t it?

Next there’s the whole green vehicle thing. Santa’s sleigh runs on hay and grain like something Ed Bagley Jr. would drive to his weekly party meetings at the Al Gore I Hate America Sustainable Headquarters. And reindeer? Where do they come from? Right, exactly, Russia!

And this entire political apparatus is propped up on the backs of the workers, who are expected to support the power structure with the fruits of their labor – i.e. they are forced to give up a portion of their grain and dairy production in the form of cookies and milk – in support of the entire society. What’s next, socialized healthcare? My God, before you know it, we’ll be living in Canada!

You have only to look around, shake off the shackles of oppression, to see it:

Music: Heroic music has long been a tool of the power elite. Designed to lull the masses into a malleable state of submission through endless repetition. Two months of Joan Jett’s Little Drummer Boy and Dogs Barking Jingle Bells will turn all but staunchest anarchist into a pudding-brained drone. People will band together in collectives and go door to door spreading the propaganda of socialism through the vehicle of “Christmas carols.” The more easily influenced will actually leave their homes and join the mob of carolers like Bolshevik peasants joining the October Revolution.

And speaking of the the Mob: Have you been in the stores during the holiday season? The shelves are stripped bare by crazed crowds driven to a frenzy by the sounds of Carol of the Bells blaring from every speaker in the nation. Let the rumor spread that Wal-Mart might have a new shipment in from the state factories and mile long lines form almost instantly. What is it? Zhu-Zhu Hamsters? Fisher-Price’s Elmo Live Encore? Toilet Paper? Shoes? Cabbages? We don’t care! Get in line! Wait, what’s that? black market Twilight Barbies sold from the back of a nondescript truck? I’ll take two, Comrade!

The Secret Police: If mind numbing music wasn’t enough, while you’re standing in line for hours on end you get to listen to the endless ringing of little bells. It’s the Salvation Army, Santa’s intelligence gathering arm. They’re everywhere, on every corner, in every store, always watching like the pervasive surveillance system they are. Shaking you down, demanding a cut, all in order to “redistributing the wealth.”

Socialist Art: The symbols of this Socialist Season are everywhere. Armies of giant inflatable Frosty The Snowmen and Santas dominate the landscape like those concrete statues of Marx and Lenin that once filled the squares of Moscow. Yesterday I saw a pickup truck that had its “Truck Nutz” replaced with two large red mirrored balls and a garland of tinsel – my friends, when the state comes for your testicles, you’re living under the jackbooted heel of communism.

Propaganda: The socialists are piping their message directly into the minds of our children. The airwaves are filled with TV specials like that one with the Island of Misfit toys, a not so subtle reference to Gulags and the fate of those who don’t fit in. Who can fail to see the subliminal message in the final climatic battle scene when the imperialists subvert The People’s Heroic Heat Miser into a decadent display of dancing? Or how about when that communist Charlie Brown attempts to convince the gang that his miserable substandard shrub is really a beautiful Christmas tree? For the love of the Almighty Dollar, people, open your eyes!

Fruitcake. Yes, I know, you were wondering where the hammer in the “hammer and sickle” was. Look no further than this abomination. When the revolution comes, it will be fruitcake that smashes the windows and staves in the head of the free man, mark my words.

And finally:

Coincidence? Not bloody likely, folks, not bloody likely.

Note: Sarah Palin is in town for a book signing and Jim is suffering a reaction to the excess Conservatism that is currently smothering the MatSu Valley like an oily gray oppressive blanket of stinking fog. Please be patient, things will return to normal shortly.

Jim, you left out the most nefarious part of Satan Claus (because that's what he really is): he distracts everybody from the real meaning of Christmas, which is Jesus, who invented Christmas when he was born.

Think of it: what does Santa/Satan really want? He wants millions of children praying to him for presents instead of praying to Jesus for presents. Atheism is also a hallmark, no, a synonym for communism, which puts the government in the place rightfully occupied by God.

Christmas has become an atheist holiday, set against proper Christian holidays like Easter, Thanksgiving, the Fourth Of July and Columbus Day. Stalinists (notice the similarity between "Stalin," "Satan" and "Santa") have failed to get May Day set up as an official holiday in the United States, so they've used Santa as a wedge to steal Jesus' own birthday from Him.

Instead of celebrating Santa/socialism by giving presents to other people and doing economically unsustainable things like staying in with your family and singing songs or whatever, you should do what Jesus would have wanted, which is to spend as much money as you possibly can in order to sustain the free market capitalist economy that Jesus taught about in the Bible. Remember the reason for the season!

Jim, as great as "The Motorcycle Song" is, Arlo's awesomest moments ever are a tossup between:

Obie looked at the seeing eye dog, and then at thetwenty seven eight-by-ten color glossy pictures with circles and arrowsand a paragraph on the back of each one, and looked at the seeing eye dog.And then at twenty seven eight-by-ten color glossy pictures with circlesand arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one and began to cry,'cause Obie came to the realization that it was a typical case of Americanblind justice....

...and:

I wanna kill.

Though my personal favorite Arlo moment is actually a cover: his version of Steve Goodman's "City Of New Orleans," quite possibly the best train song ever written.

well Jim you will be happy to know the Corps is doing its part to fight this threat, we have mobilized the 5th Marine Regiment and deployed 1st Combat Engineer Battalion to the north pole for operation SLEIGH no prisoners taken and no one will be sparred, i'll bring you aa reindeer antler as a war trophy but for now i'm off you halo drop into the hot LZ

I have only one firm belief about the American political system, and that is this: God is a Republican and Santa Claus is a Democrat.

God is an elderly or, at any rate, middle-aged male, a stern fellow, patriarchal rather than paternal and a great believer in rules and regulations. He holds men strictly accountable for their actions. He has little apparent concern for the material well-being of the disadvantaged. He is politically connected, socially powerful and holds the mortgage on literally everything in the world. God is difficult. God is unsentimental. It is very hard to get into God's heavenly country club.

Santa Claus is another matter. He's cute. He's nonthreatening. He's always cheerful. And he loves animals. He may know who's been naughty and who's been nice, but he never does anything about it. He gives everyone everything they want without thought of a quid pro quo. He works hard for charities, and he's famously generous to the poor. Santa Claus is preferable to God in every way but one: There is no such thing as Santa Claus.

(From P.J. O'Rourke's book Parliament of Whores)

On The Corps' Operation SLEIGH -- should Operation SLAY. That's a Marine name, right there. Just sayin'.

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Jim Wright is a retired US Navy Chief Warrant Officer and freelance writer. He lived longer in Alaska than anywhere else and misses it terribly. He recently moved to the fetid Panhandle of Florida and lives now in an ancient Cold War bunker of a house surrounded by alligators and rednecks. He's been called the Tool of Satan, but he prefers to think of himself as the Devil's Designated Driver. He is the mind behind Stonekettle Station. You can email him at jim@stonekettle.com. You can follow him on Twitter @stonekettle, or you can join the boisterous bunch he hosts on Facebook at Facebook/Stonekettle. Remember to bring brownies and mind the white cat, he bites. Hard.

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