Like many of you, I spent the past couple of days wondering how a foul-mouthed serial philanderer was able to win the Republican primary in South Carolina, a state supposedly dominated by “Christian conservatives” and evangelicals.

I always figured you couldn’t worship God and mammon. I’d read that it was easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. I couldn’t reconcile much of what Trump said with what I’d read in the Bible. (Nor, for that matter, could Pope Francis.)

But today I have the answer. And I can reveal it here exclusively.

‘Storing up your treasures in Heaven is for losers, because a man’s life consisteth solely in the abundance of the things he possesseth.’
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And lo, the Lord hardened the heart of the Pharaoh, who said, “Send all the Hebrews back to their own country, wherever that is, and then build a wall so they can’t come back, and then send them the bill.” And it was done as he had said. And then the Egyptians found that there was nobody left to do all the really crappy jobs for very little pay, and so the streets went unswept and a head of lettuce suddenly cost fifty smackeroos, and there was sadness across the land.

And so the people of Babel came together and built a great Tower, and spared no expense, and they did sell off luxury condominiums, open a giant casino in the lobby and make it the world’s most exclusive resort. And when they ran out of money, they did cry out to the Lord and say, “Lord, Lord, help us!” And He did take pity on them and told them to open His Book and look in Chapter Eleven, and there they found the answer to their woes and it was good. And for evermore, every few years they returned to Chapter Eleven again and again, and they prospered mightily, excepting those who had actually paid for the tower.

And King Solomon built his great temple of marble and gold and ivory and the most expensive materials he could find, and all the world came to marvel, and he said, “This is nothing. One will come after me whose Italian garments I am not fit to touch. And he will use so much gold and marble that all who see it will fall to their knees, and begin to retch.”

And Isaac had two sons, Jacob and Esau. And Jacob was a real smart guy, a real winner, and he knew how to do deals, just amazing deals, and Esau was a total loser who spent all his time actually working in the field, and in the end Jacob totally took him to the cleaners, and there’s a lesson in that for everybody.

For it is written, “Thou shalt not hold out thine hand to the stranger that dwelleth among you, nor shalt thou love him as thyself, but Thou shalt smite him, and round him up, and put him on the first train south, and Thou shalt charge him for the ticket. Because once my people were strangers in Egypt. And now it’s their turn to get even.”

And it came to pass that Lot looked upon his two daughters, and said, “Hubba, hubba, hubba! If they weren’t my own children I would totally want to uncover their nakedness! Wowza!”

And Jesus spake unto the people, and He said, “I say unto you, it is forbidden for a man to divorce his wife, saving for the cause of fornication — so if you want to fornicate with someone else, it’s OK.”

“And thou shalt remember the Lord your God. It is He who is giving you power to make wealth. Therefore he who has made the most wealth is the most blessed. And verily, I say, take a look at my balance sheet.”

“For I say to you, it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a loser to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

And when the famine came to Egypt, Joseph spoke to the Pharaoh and said, “Put me in charge because I know how to make absolutely the most amazing deals you ever saw. It’s going to be huge and we’re going to win everything. For I know that the mass of the Egyptian people are losers and suckers, and it would be a sin to leave them with a single nickel.” And the Pharaoh did as he asked, and it was good, except for the people of Egypt.

And Jesus said, “Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself, excepting thy neighbor is Mexican, in which case Thou shalt hate thy neighbor and make him build a wall.”

And in the seventh year thou shalt declare a Jubilee, and just cancel any debts Thou may owe to the Moneylenders. But thy Tenants and Customers shall not enjoy the Jubilee and Thou shalt exact every penny of them, yea unto the Courts.

And Jesus said, “Storing up your treasures in Heaven is for losers, because a man’s life consisteth solely in the abundance of the things he possesseth.”

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