With the trifecta of my winning the trip to Antarctica (estimated retail value: $28,000), my receiving of the Segal AmeriCorps Education Reward ($4,725), and my selecting of the most incompetent accountant in town (who decided to inform me on April 18th that he wouldn’t, in fact, be able to file my taxes), the government has decided to stand firm in their position that I’m one wealthy, unpunctual son of a gun. But there’s no need to fret! The potential for forgiveness is high … so long as I immediately pay $7,500 …

And so, in the interest of me not starving to death, I have decided to free up a 1/16 of an inch in my desk drawer and part with my most ancient of gifts. To those of you who were so generous in my youth, xie xie. And to my middle school coin collection, you better watch your back.