tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-290886812018-03-06T04:51:11.761-05:00CERTAIN BLOGS(the bloggey king of nowhere)Blogadier Generalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00777761241015956718noreply@blogger.comBlogger173125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29088681.post-19470425457685470352010-10-04T20:18:00.003-04:002010-10-04T20:27:18.392-04:00Happy Belabor Day!You should call your mom <a href="http://certainblogs.blogspot.com/2009/09/not-quite-blogworthy-part-four.html">today</a>. And if you've already called your mom today, by all means, do it again.Blogadier Generalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05838436310801385224noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29088681.post-89322684800096908262010-06-14T20:57:00.003-04:002013-06-28T11:55:26.919-04:00Pretty, pretty, pretty ToneyIf you could only take advice from one person for the rest of your life, that person really ought to be Ghostface Killah. Some time ago, MTV2 had the good sense to give him his own advice forum, and the world has been an immeasurably better place ever since. Most of the videos aren't available on YouTube, but some enterprising youngsters have posted the audio clips over some other bullshit. Every one of these clips is crucial to living a fulfilling life, but there's one in particular I'd like to share:<br /><div><br /></div><object height="385" width="480"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/BOw2Q1MbcpE&amp;hl=en_US&amp;fs=1&amp;rel=0"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/BOw2Q1MbcpE&amp;hl=en_US&amp;fs=1&amp;rel=0" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object><br /><div><br /></div><br />In case you're one of those assholes who doesn't actually watch the clips I post, the gist of it is this: when you're in the shower, wash your face before you wash your balls. Most people wash their balls and then wash their face, and when you think about it, that shit is disgusting. (Trust me that Ghost makes this point far more convincingly than I do.) <br /><div><br /></div><div>So essentially, I've been walking out the door every morning with balls on my face. Now that I think about it, this probably explains quite a bit about me.</div>Blogadier Generalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05838436310801385224noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29088681.post-63494072072030126832010-04-05T18:08:00.016-04:002013-06-28T17:23:07.069-04:00The most interesting man in the worldWith the coming of spring, a young man's thoughts turn naturally to romance. Roughly two weeks later, they turn to baseball, where they remain for the next seven months. In honor of Major League Baseball's opening day, I thought I'd say a few words about Hall of Fame third baseman Wade Boggs. <br /><div><br /></div><div>The other day I made the case to my good friend Ms. Brick Johnson that Wade is the most interesting baseball player of all time. Ms. Johnson didn't believe me, but Ms. Johnson is wrong. How many things is Wade famous for? Let's see:<br /><div><br /></div><div>1) During every home game when Wade played for the Red Sox, a mysterious fan would yell "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaade" after the first pitch of his first at-bat.</div><div><div>2) Incidentally, Wade never swung at the first pitch of any at-bat.</div><div>3) In perhaps the funniest rumor of all time, Wade is said to have once consumed <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=75Gx8OmO9Rk">64 beers on a cross-country flight.</a></div></div><div><div>4) Wade reportedly kept a mistress in every major league city. (In fairness, he was probably not the only ballplayer to do this.)</div><div>5) Wade has never been photographed with The Most Interesting Man in the World. Why? Maybe because Wade <i>is </i>The Most Interesting Man in the World. You be the judge:</div><div><br /><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_D4sfwE3zPb0/S7qqTGECCBI/AAAAAAAAAEk/e6KNaWEXA3M/s1600/Most+Interesting+Man.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5456861143534536722" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_D4sfwE3zPb0/S7qqTGECCBI/AAAAAAAAAEk/e6KNaWEXA3M/s400/Most+Interesting+Man.jpg" style="cursor: pointer; display: block; height: 300px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 400px;" /></a><br /><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_D4sfwE3zPb0/S7qqlkbAfwI/AAAAAAAAAEs/8KwxwpgXAj8/s1600/Wade1.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5456861460921614082" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_D4sfwE3zPb0/S7qqlkbAfwI/AAAAAAAAAEs/8KwxwpgXAj8/s400/Wade1.jpg" style="cursor: pointer; display: block; height: 300px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 400px;" /></a><br /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'times new roman';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">"I don't always drink 64 beers on a cross-country flight. But when I do, I prefer Dos Equis."</span></span></span></div><div><br /></div><div>6)Wade famously ate chicken before every game. In fact, his only lasting nickname (who needs a nickname when your name is already Wade?) was Chicken Man. There's even a baseball card where Wade is holding a rubber chicken instead of a bat.</div><div>7) Wade's 3000th hit was a home run. No one else has ever done this.</div><div><br /></div><div>Wade Anthony Boggs, I think I love you.</div></div></div>Blogadier Generalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05838436310801385224noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29088681.post-70185175130148429602010-03-31T18:42:00.005-04:002010-03-31T21:51:05.666-04:00Bad AdviceCertain Blogs have been getting an awful lot of bad advice lately (and I don't just mean "keep writing").<div><br /></div><div>So I think it's time to set a few things straight. I humbly submit retorts to the following adages:<br /><br /><b>1. "Don't go to the grocery store hungry." <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">Bullshit. In what other walk of life would you hear something so ridiculous? Don't go to the dealership if you need a car? Don't go to the music store when you want to buy a CD? Don't go to the movies when you want to see a fucking movie? I mean, if there's a better place to go when you're hungry than A HUGE STORE FULL OF FOOD, I've yet to find it. </span></b><div><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></b><div><b>2. "Dogs' mouths are cleaner than humans'."</b> Seriously, have you ever met <i>one dog</i>?</div><div><br /></div><div><b>3. "Snakes are more afraid of you than you are of them." </b>This bothers me for two reasons. Number one: as a threshold matter, I don't like people telling me how afraid I am of things. The only way you could possibly know how afraid I am of snakes is if you heard me say, "I'm more afraid of snakes than anyone has ever been afraid of anything." </div><div><br /></div><div>Which brings me to number two: it is literally impossible for snakes to be more afraid of me than I am of them. The absolute best they could hope for is a tie. And frankly that'd have to be one timid fucking snake.</div><div><br /></div><div>Poppycock and bollocks, all of it. </div><div><br /></div></div></div>Blogadier Generalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05838436310801385224noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29088681.post-79416334828241011412010-03-16T21:38:00.003-04:002010-03-16T22:59:40.977-04:00Yet Another Example of the Porousness of Certain BlogsI haven't given up on this blog quite yet. I've been awfully busy the last few months moving to an old city and adjusting to a new job. But rest assured, I've got a few half-baked ideas in the hopper. Working titles: "Inside Jokes (I don't get them)", "Petty Complaints About Service Providers", and "[god dammit i forgot the only funny one]".<div><br /></div><div>But for now, I'm off to Vegas for my annual sports gambling vacation. I'll try my darnedest not to make <a href="http://certainblogs.blogspot.com/2007/03/las-vegas-2007-mistakes-were-made_21.html">these common mistakes</a>. </div><div><br /></div><div>Wish me luck.</div>Blogadier Generalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05838436310801385224noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29088681.post-86410765800624896072009-12-11T16:58:00.003-05:002009-12-11T22:30:41.894-05:00Otiose post<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_D4sfwE3zPb0/SyLCsFy9azI/AAAAAAAAADs/BIY8hZb7B6E/s1600-h/oatios.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 179px; height: 255px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_D4sfwE3zPb0/SyLCsFy9azI/AAAAAAAAADs/BIY8hZb7B6E/s400/oatios.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5414103764778707762" border="0" /></a><br />The late David Foster Wallace once wondered if the owners of the Super 8 motel chain might have named their business something else if they had any idea what "<a href="http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/suppurate">suppurate</a>" meant.<br /><br />I thought of this today at the grocery store, when I came across a Cheerios knock-off calling itself Oatios. Call me crazy, but I'm not sure anybody wants a health food that connotes <a href="http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/otiose"><span style="font-style: italic;">otiose</span></a>.Blogadier Generalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05838436310801385224noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29088681.post-80072164830802711472009-11-19T11:09:00.004-05:002013-06-28T17:32:52.077-04:00ok, samI'm notoriously hot-natured. Literally, not figuratively. (Figuratively I'm cool as a cucumber.) One time when I was 10 or so, I got heat exhaustion while I was playing first base in a little league game. As in, yes, I was just standing there. The heat index was in triple figures; Dad had arrived early and installed tarps over both teams' dugouts for shade. Back on the field, my vision started to blur and I could only see the batter intermittently. I yelled feebly to the umpire that I was sick, but he told me to wait for the next pitch, which I did. As soon as it crossed the plate, I crossed the first base line and puked into foul territory. (I especially like this detail about not desecrating the field of play.) <br /><br />The epilogue is I laid down on the bench and drank a bunch of gatorade while everyone looked on in horror. The umpires conferred and dictated that I still had to make an appearance at the plate, lest we violate LL's everybody-gets-to-bat rule. Dad told me not to swing, so of course the pitcher walked me. Except in those days, a coach would come in to pitch to you after a "walk", instead of you just taking first base like God intended. So on the coach's first pitch, I bunted. Which apparently no one in the history of LL had ever done before. I beat the throw to first. But the umps caucused again and decided you're not allowed to bunt when the coach is pitching. They allowed me one more pitch to hit. The coach's pitch was well over my head, but I managed to chop it into center field. I later came around to score.Blogadier Generalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05838436310801385224noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29088681.post-49318029318912825762009-11-16T01:55:00.007-05:002010-03-29T22:54:36.128-04:00another how-toHere's something I drunkenly submitted to my law school's weekly newspaper in 2005. The editors politely declined to run it:
<br />
<br /><meta equiv="CONTENT-TYPE" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><title></title><meta name="GENERATOR" content="OpenOffice.org 3.1 (Win32)"><style type="text/css"> <!-- @page { margin: 0.79in } P { margin-bottom: 0.08in } --> </style> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"></p><blockquote><p style="margin-bottom: 0in;">A lot of people around here are fond of comparing law school to high school. And they're right to do so. But the sad thing is, as Ferris Bueller aptly pointed out, high school is childish and stupid. So let’s all follow these simple steps towards eliminating our embarrassing predicament.</p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in;">STEP ONE: <i>Stop trying to sleep with everyone you know</i>. Cripes, man. There’s an unlimited number of undergrads out there, all of whom are younger, prettier, and dumber than we are. Remember: the only people who aren’t impressed that you’re a law student are other law students. </p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in;">STEP TWO: <i>Stop hanging out at the law school all day.</i> No one makes you hang out at school when you’re not in class. You’re not waiting on a bus. There’s no reason to spend $19 on a lettuce wrap at Bob Scott Commons when you own a car.</p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in;">STEP THREE: <i>Don’t get a locker.</i> What’s the point? Ever since Sir Isaac Newton invented the backpack, people have enjoyed a more convenient way to store their books. Honor him. </p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in;">STEP FOUR: <i>Learn to hold your liquor.</i> Wow. The youngest of you is, what, twenty-two? That means you’ve been drinking for at least five years. So act like you’ve been there before. A little bit of self-respect will go a long way in the outside world. The first time your promotion hinges on taking six boozebags from Lehman Brothers out for drinks, you’ll thank me. </p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in;">STEP FIVE: <i>Stop wearing so much Abercrombie and Fitch</i>. When Jody Kraus is making fun of you, it’s time to reevaluate.</p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in;">STEP SIX: <i>Don’t pose for a yearbook photo</i>. Actually, we’re doing pretty damn well on this one. Keep up the good work.</p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in;">STEP SEVEN: <i>Don’t join a journal</i>. I can’t emphasize this one enough. If law school is like high school, then stretch the analogy out a little further: in high school, everyone is concerned about doing as much pointless bullshit as possible because they think it will help them get into the best colleges. In law school, someone tricked you into thinking you have to do a bunch of pointless bullshit if you want to get hired by a good law firm. Spearheading your neighborhood’s recycling efforts didn’t get you into Harvard, and spending your entire second year cite-checking some blowhard from Vanderbilt isn’t going to impress any interviewers. Take it from someone too stupid to get elected to even the most frivolous journal: you’re going to get a job no matter what.</p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in;">STEP EIGHT: <i>Don’t watch The OC. </i>There’s a reason people compare it to <i>Beverly Hills 90210</i>: they both suck.</p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in;">STEP NINE: <i>Stop pretending you’re going to marry your current love interest.</i> I swear, if I have to hear “I have a boyfriend” (or--worse yet--“you have a girlfriend”) one more time, I’m going to start listening to Pearl Jam again. Let’s not sugarcoat things: as future lawyers, we all have at least two unhappy marriages in our future. The sooner we own up to this, the sooner we can get on with our miserable lives.</p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in;">STEP TEN: <i>Smoke cigarettes.</i> Hunton &amp; Williams encourages it. And I promise Principal Jeffries won’t give you detention.</p></blockquote><p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"></p>It's amazing how dated this already seems. Everyone gets a job? And what the hell are Lehman Brothers? What planet was this guy living on??
<br />Blogadier Generalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05838436310801385224noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29088681.post-53954939082400583112009-11-02T00:41:00.000-05:002009-11-02T03:03:28.728-05:00Audio/Visual BlogHere's a picture I took right across the street from my new apartment. I submitted it to one of those stupid failblog websites, but they chose not to run it (I'm not linking to them out of spite).<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_D4sfwE3zPb0/Su5L31dMJ3I/AAAAAAAAADg/Qd4_FJ1Nf3U/s1600-h/Destinction.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_D4sfwE3zPb0/Su5L31dMJ3I/AAAAAAAAADg/Qd4_FJ1Nf3U/s400/Destinction.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5399336425878202226" border="0" /></a><br /><br />Oddly enough, the misspelling could be of 'distinction' or 'destination'. I looked up the slogan and apparently the intended word was, as I'd hoped, 'distinction'. Irony doesn't get more delicious than this.<br /><br />In unrelated news, here's a video you may have already seen:<br /><br /><object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/7lhYEXh3dYM&amp;hl=en&amp;fs=1&amp;rel=0&amp;color1=0x006699&amp;color2=0x54abd6"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/7lhYEXh3dYM&amp;hl=en&amp;fs=1&amp;rel=0&amp;color1=0x006699&amp;color2=0x54abd6" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" height="344" width="425"></embed></object>Blogadier Generalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05838436310801385224noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29088681.post-68510154842759219472009-10-29T23:18:00.003-04:002009-10-29T23:22:50.223-04:009TH INNINGOn cue, Howard strikes out looking. Werth, looking like Prince Valiant, bloops out to second. <br /><br />Ibanez doubles to keep the game alive. Future World Series MVP Matt Stairs steps to the plate.<br /><br />If he fails, this will be my last entry.Blogadier Generalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05838436310801385224noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29088681.post-69395103269340316432009-10-29T23:13:00.004-04:002009-10-29T23:31:17.874-04:00PRE 9TH INNINGI have to say, blogging games that don't involve the Red Sox is difficult, boring work. Not sure this is going to happen again.<br /><br />The 9th sets up beautifully for the Yanks. With no one on base, they can pitch to Howard, who will almost certainly strike out. Werth is terrible. And Ibanez, former Mariner or no, probably won't tie the game by himself...Blogadier Generalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05838436310801385224noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29088681.post-7972769321536177112009-10-29T23:02:00.002-04:002009-10-29T23:13:48.806-04:00BOTTOM OF THE 8TH3-1 Yankees. Replay shows Utley was safe at 1st on the double play ball. Oh well; the Phils got the benefit of a shitty call in the last inning. <br /><br />Ryan Madson drills Teixeira in the kneecap on the first pitch. Hopefully this will bother Teixeira for the rest of the series. Another moral victory. Madson strikes out the side.<br /><br />I wonder if McCarver would've started the runners...Blogadier Generalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05838436310801385224noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29088681.post-25874135859508995622009-10-29T22:37:00.003-04:002009-10-29T23:00:25.001-04:00TOP OF THE 8THThe weirdest part about that double play was that Ryan Howard obviously thought he didn't catch the line drive. If he thought he had caught it in the air, he would have tagged first rather than thrown to second. Weird call by the umps. <br /><br />Final line on Pedro: <br /><br />6 innings, 6 hits, 2 walks, 3 earned runs, 8 strike outs. Definitely better than my prediction (5 1/3, 7 hits, 2 walks, 5 ER), but not that far off. <br /><br />Meanwhile, Rivera is in to protect a 2 run lead. The last time Girardi brought him in for a 2 inning save was<a href="http://mlb.mlb.com/mlb/gameday/index.jsp?gid=2009_10_25_anamlb_nyamlb_1#boxscore"> last Sunday against the Angels</a>, also with a 2 run lead. He gave up a run in the 8th, but the Yanks blew the game open in the bottom of the inning.<br /><br />Alright alright alright. Rollins works a one out walk and Victorino singles sharply to right. Future World Series MVP Chase Utley steps to the plate.<br /><br />McCarver: "Now if you're Charlie Manuel, you almost have to send the runners. It's almost an ideal situation. Well, you're down by two runs; that's not ideal."<br /><br />Amazingly enough, Manuel doesn't send the runners and Utley grounds into an inning-ending double play.Blogadier Generalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05838436310801385224noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29088681.post-19731127818463069782009-10-29T22:22:00.002-04:002009-10-29T22:44:20.477-04:00BOTTOM OF THE 7THBuck and McCarver tell us Rivera will pitch the 8th and 9th tonight. The only good news is the Phils will have the heart of the order up in the 9th. <br /><br />I should mention, for the record, that I really hate the Phillies. Yesterday was the first day I ever rooted for them. I'm still figuring out how it works. Are soul patches cool in Philadelphia?<br /><br />A well executed hit-and-run by Cabrera puts runners at 1st and 3rd with nobody out, and Posada is pinch-hitting for Molina. This is where things get ugly. Chan Ho Park enters the game for Pedro.<br /><br />Odd as this sounds, if Park allows the inherited runners to score, Pedro's final line will look a lot like my prediction. <br /><br />Hahahahaha. Jeter the Bitch just struck out trying to bunt with two strikes. A moral victory if ever there was one. Eyre in to pitch to Damon.<br /><br />Damon lines into a controversial double play. What does the peanut gallery think about that one?Blogadier Generalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05838436310801385224noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29088681.post-90218078783213420482009-10-29T22:15:00.002-04:002009-10-29T22:20:01.083-04:00TOP OF THE 7THBurnett shows no signs of slowing down, striking out Ibanez and Stairs. <br /><br />Does anyone else think Invictus, the new Clint Eastwood movie starring Morgan Freeman and Matt Damon, will be a glossy, overwrought piece of Oscar-baiting shit? <br /><br />Feliz grounds out to Jeter. Things aren't looking good for the Phillies. Mariano Rivera looms...Blogadier Generalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05838436310801385224noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29088681.post-25799405646200619852009-10-29T21:55:00.002-04:002009-10-29T22:12:56.290-04:006TH INNINGBig inning for the Phillies--Utley, Howard and Ibanez are due up, plus Burnett's pitch count is creeping towards 100. The sooner the Phils can get to the Yankees awful bullpen, the better.<br /><br />Phillies go down in order.<br />___<br /><br />Pedro whiffs Teixeira and A-Rod for his 7th and 8th strike outs. My prediction sure was dumb. I'll never doubt Pedro again. <br /><br />Aaaand we have our first comment of the night. Welcome, Cunado.<br /><br />Aaaaaaaaaaand Matsui homers to right. I'll always doubt Pedro again. <br /><br />Robinson Cano just flew out to left field, and boy are his arms tired.Blogadier Generalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05838436310801385224noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29088681.post-41549378012460074182009-10-29T21:36:00.002-04:002009-10-29T21:54:41.495-04:005TH INNINGAs any beer drinker knows, the inning after the beer inning is the nachos inning. <br /><br />The Phillies strand Carlos Ruiz at second. Burnett is mowing the Phillies down.<br />____<br /><br />Pedro records two quick outs, then Jeter doubles to left. He's still a bitch. Fortunately Damon pops out, ending the boringest yet of my many boring blogs.<br /><br />Blame the nachos.Blogadier Generalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05838436310801385224noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29088681.post-987884134996671782009-10-29T21:16:00.002-04:002009-10-29T21:36:23.376-04:004TH INNINGAs any baseball fan knows, the fourth inning is the beer inning. <br /><br />Jayson Werth [amazingly enough, not <span style="font-style: italic;">sic</span>] singles then gets picked off 1st base. Strike out, fly out. Solid inning for Burnett. <br />____<br /><br />After my last live blogging effort, longtime reader Cunado wrote, "Any [Blogadier General] live blogging event is not to be missed." Goes to show you can't trust a North Carolina pump salesman.<br /><br />While I'm complaining, Teixeira blasts a changeup over the right-center field wall to tie the game.<br /><br />Fox on-field commentator Ken Rosenthal just called Pedro's pregame press conference a "tour de force". Josh thinks "tour de force" is overused these days. I think Ken Rosenthal is overused these days.<br /><br />Hairston, Jr. strikes out to end the inning. 1-1 after 4 innings.Blogadier Generalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05838436310801385224noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29088681.post-64288215177039873702009-10-29T20:50:00.002-04:002009-10-29T21:16:24.803-04:003RD INNINGI'm fully expecting my roommate to make nachos for dinner, but right now he's asleep on the couch. This doesn't look good. <br /><br />The camera finds some jackass in the stands wearing a Halloween costume, leading to the following exchange: <br /><blockquote>Joe Buck: "it's that time of year" <br />McCarver: "tomorrow night!" </blockquote>Josh is awake and laughing his ass off. <br /><br />Meanwhile, with a runner on second, Burnett intentionally walk Chase Utley to pitch to Ryan Howard, who had 45 home runs and 141 RBI this season. A curious move, but it works: he strikes out to end the threat.<br />____<br /><br />Pedro issues a one-out walk to the #9 hitter, Miguel Cabrera, then strikes out Jeter for the second time. Have I mentioned that Jeter is a complete bitch? Damon flies out and the inning is over.Blogadier Generalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05838436310801385224noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29088681.post-36145198422391158162009-10-29T20:32:00.003-04:002009-10-29T21:10:55.875-04:00BOTTOM OF THE 2NDAs Buck and McCarver keep pointing out, the Yankee crowd is really quiet. Maybe Yankees fans are the new Red Sox fans, easily intimidated and expecting things to go wrong. Probably not.<br /><br />Pedro freezes A-Rod on a 72 mph yakker for his third strikeout. One of my favorite things about my new roommate is he laughs every time I say yakker instead of curveball. I've probably said it 50 times and it's still working. Matsui singles to right.<br /><br />Fox just showed a montage of famous Pedro outings against the Yankees. I'm delighted that they opened with Pedro's <a href="http://www.baseball-reference.com/boxes/NYA/NYA199909100.shtml">god-like performance in September 1999</a>: 17 strikeouts, 1 hit, 0 walks. How great was it? The Yankees hit exactly one ball into the field of play (a flyout to left) after the 4th inning.<br /><br />Ibanez makes an incredible diving catch in left-center for the second out. I just made a strange, animal noise that unfortunately could never be blogged. Jerry Hairston, Jr., filling in for Swisher, flies out to right to end the inning.Blogadier Generalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05838436310801385224noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29088681.post-32778106088966990762009-10-29T20:17:00.003-04:002009-10-29T20:30:26.663-04:00TOP OF THE 2NDThe most beguiling thing about this year's playoffs--besides the unprecedentedly shitty umpiring--has been Joe Buck and Tim McCarver's competent work in the booth. Buck has been unremarkable. And McCarver, bless his heart, has actually had a number of insightful things to say. I've kept my ears open for asinine commentary, but so far I haven't found anything worth ridiculing. <br /><br />Yankee starter AJ Burnett also looks sharp. When I point out that the movement on Burnett's pitches looks a lot like Pedro's, Josh wonders if Burnett might be the <span style="font-style: italic;">Yankees'</span> croupier. <br /><br />Ah. Ibanez hits a ground rule double that bounces off the left field foul line into the stands. McCarver aptly notes, "there are only seven players behind the pitcher, and they can't be everywhere." Thanks, Tim. <br /><br />Matt Stairs then grounds a sharp single past A-Rod, scoring Ibanez, who takes advantage of Damon's impossibly weak arm. 1-0 Phillies.Blogadier Generalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05838436310801385224noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29088681.post-60147719104671173162009-10-29T19:59:00.004-04:002009-10-29T20:49:56.244-04:001ST INNINGThe Phillies go down quietly in the 1st.<br /><br />Meanwhile, there's some mildly surprising news from the Yankees dugout. Regular starters Nick Swisher and Jorge Posada are on the bench tonight, Swisher because he sucks, and Posada because Burnett tends to pitch better to the backup catcher, Jose Molina. Some thought Yanks manager Joe Girardi would dispense with the personal catcher thing, since Posada is a good hitter and Molina couldn't hit water if he was in a fucking boat.<br /><br />Pedro's fastball is hovering around 86 mph. Fortunately his changeup and curveball arrive in the low-to-mid 70s. Jeter strikes out on a fastball, then Damon goes down on a changeup. <br /><br />Fox's Keys to the Game graphic just read, "Phillies are playing with house money. Pedro is the croupier." My roommate Josh eloquently addresses the elephant in the room: "Who comes up with this shit?"<br /><br />Teixeira pops out to end the inning. So far, Pedro looks great.Blogadier Generalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05838436310801385224noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29088681.post-78640864660539463592009-10-29T19:28:00.002-04:002009-10-29T19:58:36.467-04:00PREGAMEWelcome to the ridiculous live blog. 20 minutes until the first pitch, and all anyone can talk about, rightly enough, is Pedro Martinez's return to the Bronx. The consensus all week has been that pitching Martinez in Game 2, at Yankee Stadium, is a savvy move by the Phillies. <br /><br />With all due respect to Pedro--my favorite player of all time--this will not end well. <br /><br />Pedro's postseason record at Yankee Stadium is dubious at best: 0-1, with a 6.28 ERA in 14 1/3 innings. In his last showing, an inexplicable relief appearance in Game 7 of the 2004 ALCS, he immediately gave up 2 doubles and a single, threatening to let the Yankees back into the game. I missed the rest of the inning because my friends, as superstitious as I am, sent me out of the room until Pedro was out of the game. Looking back at the <a href="http://www.baseball-reference.com/boxes/NYA/NYA200410200.shtml">play-by-play</a>, it looks like Pedro settled down and finished the inning without any further damage. <br /><br />But Pedro was already on the decline in 2004. This is 5 years later, and he barely hits 90 mph on the radar gun these days. He was <a href="http://mlb.mlb.com/mlb/gameday/index.jsp?gid=2009_10_16_phimlb_lanmlb_1#boxscore">almost unhittable</a> last week against the Dodgers, but the Yankees are no Dodgers. I want to get my prediction out of the way before the game begins: Pedro goes 5 1/3 innings, 7 hits, 2 walks, 5 earned runs. <br /><br />I hope I'm wrong.Blogadier Generalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05838436310801385224noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29088681.post-34392971470925603312009-10-26T19:27:00.006-04:002009-10-27T00:53:44.518-04:00this, that, and the thirdTHIS: For part of his upcoming book, food author Michael Pollan has been asking readers to submit their personal "food rules", pithy nuggets of wisdom about what and how to eat. Reading over <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2009/10/11/magazine/20091011-foodrules.html">the ones Pollan posted online</a>, I tried to remember if I'd been raised with any such advice. Unfortunately my parents didn't cultivate much of a food culture; I once embarrassed my mom by declaring, at a school assembly in front of all my classmates' parents, that her best homemade meal was Rice-A-Roni.<br /><br />So instead of remembering any food rules, I remembered an embarrassing moment of my own from when I was in college. A friend was cleaning up after dinner, and I told her she didn't need to put the butter back in the fridge. She looked concerned, and noted tentatively that dairy products tend to go bad if they're not refrigerated. I told her that my family kept the butter out all the time, so it would be easier to spread, and it never went bad or made us sick.<br /><br />I can't remember how that incident ended, but later I double-checked my advice and learned, obviously, that I was wrong. The root of the problem was that my family saw no cause for distinguishing between butter and margarine; we called everything butter. Thus, when we took science's shitty advice and switched to margarine, we kept right on saying butter. I'm not sure I knew the difference until I was 19 years old.<br /><br />THAT: Have you ever noticed how people only say "that's not funny" after they hear an offensive joke? Like if you make fun of retards (or whatever), someone'll say "dude, that's not funny". But what about when something just isn't funny? Nobody ever says "that's not funny" in response to a shitty but inoffensive joke. Maybe this is why Dane Cook is still popular.<br /><br />THE THIRD: Game 2 of the World Series is this Thursday at 8:00 eastern, televised by Fox. Like it or not, I'm blogging it. If you're available to follow me in real time, I'd be flattered if you did.Blogadier Generalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05838436310801385224noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29088681.post-88861252546208419992009-10-26T00:42:00.004-04:002009-10-26T18:33:48.590-04:00Sunday againI've <a href="http://certainblogs.blogspot.com/2006/09/sunday-sets.html">written before</a> about how much I don't like Sunday nights. But a short while ago I was reading a Faulkner novel, <span style="font-style: italic;">Light in August</span>, and found this lovely passage:<br /><blockquote>Sunday evening prayer meeting. It has seemed to him always that at that hour man approaches nearest of all to God, nearer than at any other hour of all the seven days. Then alone, of all church gatherings, is there something of that peace which is the promise and the end of the Church. The mind and the heart purged then, if it is ever to be; the week and its whatever disasters finished and summed and expiated by the stern and formal fury of the morning service; the next week and its whatever disasters not yet born, the heart quiet now for a little while beneath the cool soft blowing of faith and hope.<br /></blockquote>My praise would sound trite. But I'll say this: "Whatever Disasters" would be an excellent name for a blog, or maybe even a novel.<br /><br />It's difficult to imagine stumbling upon a nicer message on a quiet Sunday evening in October, 2009.<br /><blockquote></blockquote><blockquote></blockquote><blockquote></blockquote>Blogadier Generalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05838436310801385224noreply@blogger.com1