Creator commentary is here! In this final part of the review, I attempt to defeat Final Fantasy VIII once and for all using all of my scientific knowledge to compress time. Witness as I bring about the end of an era in this explosive conclusion to my most epic and notorious review. Nothing will be…file continues…

To understand why Final Fantasy VIII sucks so hard, you need to take a trip back to the past– 2000 years into the past, to be exact. But will we be able to get back to the future with our sanity intact? April Fool’s Edit: Okay, in case the joke was over your head, it…file continues…

Disc 2 starts off inauspiciously as our heroes have been imprisoned by the nefarious Sorceress! What horrors await them at the not-so-tender mercies of Seifer and his electric bed? Is there any hope of rescue from this mobile, subterranean prison, or will its anti-magic field spell doom?

A character who uses a gun? This is a dream! It’s a tale of really awkward romance and a fat man throwing a harpoon at mushrooms. Will our heroes ever wake up and find out what in the hell their mission is? Is Quistis a fembot? And what horrible thing will I name Rinoa’s dog?

WARNING: Mature Content! It seems that FF8 has thrown me into a hallucinatory wonderland, where a parallel universe version of myself decided to ravage Final Fantasy SEVEN instead! Before everyone gets upset, I’m just fucking around so count to ten before you go declaring a blood-feud on my house.

It’s time to finally confront the game itself. No more mini-games, no more magic. Let’s take a look at the story and characters that make Final Fantasy VIII…shall we say, “special.” Oh, and there’s a giant mechanical spider and Robin Williams. Chicken-geek.