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In
this era of coronavirus, we pause to remember those who are no longer with us.
These souls were all taken by the virus: all suffered horrible deaths, unable
to be visited even by their loved ones. Rest in peace!

Donald
J. Trump. The President of the United States—affectionately called “Ole 45” by
his legions of admirers—passed away last week, at his estate of Mar-a-Lago.
Trump, 73, was infected with COVID-19 by a porn star whom the Secret Service
had smuggled in to see him. The President first complained of a headache on
Wednesday, followed by a high fever and a wheezing cough. His condition rapidly
deteriorated until, alone except for a nurse, he uttered his last words,
“crooked Hillary,” and expired. At the announcement of his passing, an
estimated 200 million Americans, plus uncounted billions around the world, went
into the streets and sang, “Happy Days Are Here Again.” The Trump family has
started a Go-Fund-Me account. There will be no public services, but a
spokesperson for Melania Trump said the public could make contributions in the
President’s name to the American Nazi Party.

Michael Richard Pence. The Vice President slipped away at his Indiana home last Thursday, surrounded by crucifixes and Bibles. He had said as recently as two days ago that he was immune to COVID-19 because Jesus would protect him, but this proved to be, if not a lie, then wishful thinking. He apparently became infected after touring a hospital without a face mask despite repeated warnings from doctors. Pence became seriously ill during a Bible-reading session. He lost consciousness and never woke up. Jesus Christ made a statement: “Pence was a homophobic son-of-a-bitch. The closest he’ll ever get to Heaven is standing on his tiptoes in Hell.” In accordance with the Pence family’s wishes, Pence’s remains will be cut into little pieces and dumped into ta polluted river.

Devin
Nunes. The late Republican Congressman from California died from COVID-19 while
screaming about China investigating Hunter Biden. Nunes was in the process of
receiving a bribe from a nursing home owner when he grabbed his head, said “I
have a terrific headache,” and slumped over into the lap of his lover, a male
porn star. Nunes’ body will be covered with wax and exhibited in the
Bakersfield (CA) Museum of History’s Most Disgusting Sickos, alongside that of
Adolf Hitler, Kenneth Dahmer and former California Governor Pete Wilson.

Kellyanne
Conway. She was chief spokesperson for President Donald J. Trump. Two weeks
ago, she called the coronavirus pandemic “a Democrat hoax” and predicted her
boss, Trump, would be re-elected in a landslide, an impossibility now that he
is dead. Conway became infected after touching toilet seats at Washington’s
Union Station and then rubbing her eyes, the outcome of a bet she made with her
friend, Hope Hicks. Conway’s death was agonizing. At the end, she uttered, “The
horror! The horror,” as if seeing something terrible in her sick mind. The
family has announced she will be turned into mulch and sprinkled in the White
House turnip garden.

Hope
Hicks. Born 1988. Died Washington, D.C., April 30, 2020. A reigning beauty of
her day, Hicks was turned by the coronavirus into a wrinkled old hag, toothless
and covered with boils. Nobody claimed the body and nobody misses her.

Mitch McConnell. The 98-year old chinless pig from Kentucky was Senate Majority Leader. He had a “white marriage” with Elaine Chao, the Secretary of Transportation in the former Trump cabinet. McConnell was famous for not permitting the Democratic-controlled Senate of 2016 to vote on Judge Merrick Garland’s nomination by President Obama to the U.S. Supreme Court. Ironically, McConnell was infected when he tried to steal a garland of roses from a flower stand that had been spat upon by a sick white nationalist. The people of Kentucky were happy to learn of McConnell’s death. “Honestly, every time I saw that turtle face on T.V., I wanted to vomit. And I’m a conservative Republican,” said a voter. The State of Kentucky plans to name a toxic waste dump after him, “the Mitch McConnell Pit of Radioactive Garbage and Biohazardous Crap.”

Stephen Miller. Died watching pornographic films of Mexicans on X-Tube. The long-time immigrant hater particularly enjoyed young Latino women peeing on older men, the way his boss, President Trump, liked to get peed on by Russian ho’s. Miller’s body was found by his housekeeper, Rosita H., who castrated the body before calling 9-1-1. “I hated that gringo,” she told police. “He was the most evil bastard I’ve ever met.” Miller was denied burial in the cemetery of his fellow Jews. “We ex-communicated him three years ago when he went to work for Satan,” said Rabbi Yehudah Ferris.

Brett
Kavanaugh. The Supreme Court Associate Justice died on Thursday. His symptoms
of coronavirus included hallucinations and extreme sexual depravity. At the
height of his sickness, he sexually assaulted so many female nurses that his
hospital ordered only male nurses to attend to him. But he attempted to rape
them, too, so, in the end, he died alone and uncared for, his bed smeared with his
excrement. Chief Justice John Roberts issued a statement on behalf of the
court: “Nobody here liked him anyway. He even tried to grope Ruth Bader
Ginsburg. Let’s face it, Brett was an asshole, even compared to Clarence
Thomas, who is an asshole but not as much of an asshole as Kavanaugh was.”

Melania Trump. The former First Lady showed symptoms shortly after her husband, President Trump, was exposed to coronavirus from a porn star. Her symptoms included weight gain. At the time of her death, Mrs. Trump had ballooned to 235 pounds. All her hair fell out, and the silicone that had been injected into her breasts when she was a “paid escort” turned gangrenous. Her stepdaughter, Ivanka Trump, said that Mrs. Trump “will now rest beside her beloved husband, our father, Donald, next to the swimming pool restroom at Mar-a-Lago.” The family has requested that no flowers or donations be sent. None were expected, since Mrs. Trump was widely ridiculed by the American people as a gold-digging opportunist.

Jared
Kushner. The late President Trump’s son-in-law died from COVID-19 after
threatening a Mexican family who lived in one of his Brooklyn slums that had
been behind in their rent due to losing their jobs in the shelter-in-place
crisis. “He came in here screaming,” said Lourdes G., recalling the night
Kushner arrived unannounced. “My son was sick, and so maybe that’s how Mr.
Kushner was infected.” Kushner’s disease progressed rapidly; at the end, he
grew fangs and horns. Kushner’s widow, Ivanka Trump, said that while there was
no room at Mar-a-Lago for her husband’s grave, “We might plant him at the
Bedminster golf club, on the eighteenth hole.” Shortly before falling ill,
Kushner called his father-in-law’s efforts to end coronavirus “A great success
story.” Those wishing to celebrate Kushner’s death are asked to send comments
to his Twitter account, @JaredScumbag.

Sean
Hannity. He achieved fame and fortune by lying, spreading fear and propagating
white supremacist theocracy on the fox “news” channel, which was a wholly owned
subsidiary of the Trump Organization. Hannity became infected at a Nazi-KKK
rally he attended, when he forgot to bring his own white sheet, and had to
borrow one from a white trash friend who was infected. The disease impacted
Hannity’s mind, which was already unstable. It also caused uncontrollable
drooling, which was when fox “news” asked him to take a leave of absence since
so many viewers were sickened by watching him. Upon Hannity’s death, Satan
announced, on fox & friends, that there was a special place in Hell for him,
right beside the plot reserved for Rupert Murdoch, who is expected to die
shortly.

Rev. Franklin Graham. The Christian evangelist and son of the former T.V. huckster, Billy Graham, died on his vast estate in Asheville, North Carolina. His coronavirus symptoms were by far the most unusual of all known victims. Rev. Graham was stricken with all ten Biblical plagues in the last days of his life. “It was weird seeing him attacked by frogs, hail and locusts,” said one of his doctors. Graham, who was a leading opponent of same-sex marriage, went crazy in his last hours, and attempted to fornicate with his ventilator. His friend, the Rev. Jerry Falwell, Jr., said Graham had been “murdered by the homosexual Hillary Clinton,” although a more likely explanation was Graham’s association with a crack dealer who supplied him with needles. Funeral services will be held at the Graham family plot. Attendees are urged to ignore social distancing; masks will be prohibited. Buckets of bleach will be provided for worrywarts.

EPILOGUE

With the passing of Donald Trump and Mike Pence, the American presidency now passes to the Speaker of the House of Representatives, Nancy Pelosi.

[I was fortunate to get an interview yesterday with the Vice President, Mike Pence. It was via Zoom.]

Steve
Heimoff: Mr. Vice President, can you explain why you didn’t wear a face mask
when you visited the Mayo Clinic, even though they asked you to?

Michael
Pence: I don’t have to worry about getting infected by the chinavirus.

SH:
Why is that, sir?

MP:
Because Jesus protects me.

SH:
Jesus Christ?

MP:
Yes, of course.

SH:
Can you please explain?

MP:
Sure. You see, as a born again Christian, Jesus loves me. He would never allow
anything bad to happen to me.

SH:
So you’ll never get sick?

MP:
That’s right.

SH:
From anything?

MP:
Yes. Not until Jesus wants me to get sick.

SH:
How do you know he doesn’t want you to get sick now from coronavirus?

MP:
Chinavirus. Because He knows that my work isn’t yet completed.

SH:
What is that work?

MP:
To make America a Christian nation.

SH:
But I thought America is a secular nation. That’s what our Constitution says.

MP:
I don’t know how you interpret the Constitution, but my reading of it is that
America was founded to bring about the Second Coming of Jesus Christ. And in
order for that to happen, we need to be an official Christian nation.

SH:
Really? George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, James Madison, Thomas
Jefferson—they were Deists, but they insisted on a secular nation. That’s why the
wrote the First Amendment’s Establishment Clause prohibiting the creation of an
official state religion.

MP:
That’s a popular misconception, as President Trump has pointed out.

Dr. Schemelson was the former chairman of the Bakersfield (Kern County) Republican Central Committee. He was manager of Rep. Devin Nunes’ first Congressional campaign, and led Kern County For Trump in the 2016 Presidential election. Dr. Schemelson received his Ph.D in Divinity from Fresno State University and was chief usher of the Central Valley Apostolic Church of Christian Life. His most recent political activity had been to organize and lead the “Re-Open Kern County” demonstration, in which he questioned the reality of the coronavirus and said that stay-at-home orders were “a Democratic plot to hurt our great President Trump.” Dr. Schemelson was 66 years old.

Cause
of Death: COVID-19

Pastor
Cornelius “Sam” O’Connor

Pastor
O’Connor was the much-beloved pastor of the Central Valley Apostolic Church of Christian
Life, a post he held for more than 20 years. Pastor “Sam,” as he was known, was
active in Fresno County Republican circles, having led prayer sessions for Richard
Nixon, Ronald Reagan, George W. Bush, Mike Huckabee, Mitt Romney, David Duke
and Donald Trump. Pastor Sam’s last sermon, delivered before a mass
congregation on Easter Sunday that included Edwin Schemelson, was entitled “Why
the Lord Wants Us to Gather Together and Disbelieve This Lie from Satan About
the Fake Conoravirus.” Pastor Sam was 82 years old.

Cause
of Death: COVID-19

Emily
C. Wurtlinger

A
longtime ally of Phyllis Schlafly in opposing the Equal Rights Amendment and
women’s rights in general, Emily C. Wurtlinger was a fierce opponent of
abortion in her hometown of Lathrop (San Joaquin County). Mrs. Wurtlinger was
co-chair of Valley Conservative Moms for Trump; she was said to have baked
thousands of cookies for MAGA rallies. In March, Mrs. Wurtlinger came down with
serious symptoms of upper-respiratory illness. She refused medical treatment,
arguing that “If my Lord wants me, then I’m ready.” After five of her
grandchildren were stricken with coronavirus (one of whom died), Mrs.
Wurtlinger was placed under involuntary quarantine by San Joaquin County health
officials. She was in the process of suing them for violating her civil rights
when she died, at the age of 68.

Cause
of Death: COVID-19

Walter
C. “Wally” Kremly

Wally
was a fifth-generation rancher in the small Alpine County town of Markleeville.
A former Boy Scout troop leader, he was forced to step down after multiple
allegations of sexual abuse of boys, but never was prosecuted. He served one
term as Mayor of Markleeville (1983-1987) as a Republican. Wally’s politics
veered further and further to the right as he aged. He led a petition drive to
impeach former President Barack Obama for being “a Kenyan national and likely a
cutout for radical Islamic militants.” In 2016, Wally organized Markleeville
for Trump, and remained a staunch supporter of the President until the end.
Last year, Wally led an unsuccessful effort to declare Trump’s impeachment
“null and void.” Wally opposed Gov. Gavin Newsom’s stay-at-home order, which he
compared to “the Nazi persecution of Jews. This is our Holocaust.” Following
the pandemic’s outbreak, he organized “touch-ins” around the county in which
protestors hugged each other. He was 61 years old.

Cause
of Death: COVID-19

Rep.
Alberto Flores

Rep. Flores was the Republican congressman from California’s 4th district, in Elk Grove (Sacramento County). Elected during the 2010 Republican wave, he at first supported Texas Sen. Marco Rubio for the 2016 Presidential election, but wholeheartedly switched to Donald Trump. A member of the House Freedom Caucus, Rep. Flores was one of the most conservative members of Congress. He sponsored a bill to have Trump’s head carved into Mount Rushmore, demanded that a wall and moat be constructed along the entire 2,000-mile U.S.-Mexican border, and urged the expulsion of Dreamers as “criminal rapists and drug dealers.” When the coronavirus crisis struck, Rep. Flores called it “a Democrat-China-terrorist hoax” and said “If God had meant for America to have a pandemic, He would have done it during the Obama administration.” Rep. Flores was 49 years old.

Cause
of Death: COVID-19

Cory
R. Fleck

Cory
Fleck was a resident of Smith River (Del Norte County). He lived “off the
grid,” a firm believer in rural living who rejected government. Mr. Fleck had
no known source of income or family. He was known in Smith River as “Cory the
Republican” due to his fierce belief in President Donald J. Trump. For the last
three years of his life, Cory, a professed white nationalist, was never seen
without his MAGA hat and Glock G29, which he open-carried. He refused to comply
with Gov. Gavin Newson’s “shelter-in-place” order and continued panhandling the
streets and taking drugs with his homeless friends. Cory told the Smith River News-Journal
that nobody could take away his “God-given right to socialize,” which he
vowed to defend at the cost of his life. Cork Fleck was 29 years old.

Now
that the memoir is over—temporarily?—I can get back to business: doing
everything I can to make sure America has a Blue Wave election in November.

Like
you, I watch this so-called president become more sociopathic and dangerous
every day. His latest stunt—demanding the “liberation” of Democratic states—is obvious
enough. He’s riling up his evangelicals to come out in record numbers and vote.
Of course, the one thing he’s overlooking is that by supporting the early “re-opening”
of the country, which seems to be popular among rightwing church-goers, thousands
of evangelicals could die of COVID-19 between now and Election Day, because
they went to their mega-churches and refused to respect social distancing and
thus infected each other.

Speaking for myself, that wouldn’t be a tragedy. I mean, these evangelicals don’t even like life on earth. They see our planet as some sort of exile from their true home, which is heaven; and they long to go to heaven, where they’ll sit at the right hand of Jesus and play with dinosaurs, just like little Cain and Abel did in the Garden of Eden. So when I say I wouldn’t mind if millions of evangelicals die of coronavirus, that’s a sign of respect for them. Of course, I want them to be happy–I pray for it, every day–and if they’d be happier in heaven than here on earth, then let them die.

One
thing the evangelicals could do to hasten their trip to heaven is to cough and sneeze
on each other, and be coughed and sneezed upon in return. I could imagine a
huge Christian revival rally at one of those megachurches. Just set aside
twenty minutes for everybody to cough and sneeze, while the choir sings and the
organist pounds out “Nearer My God to Thee.” Let’s say you’re running a fever
and you have a sore throat and a lot of phlegm. You just go up to your neighbor
in church, say “God bless you” and sneeze in their face, spraying as much
spittle as you can. Your neighbor will then say “Thank you” and in turn go
cough and sneeze on someone else. At the end of the 20 minutes (I’ve done the
math), a congregation of 1,500 could easily infect themselves several times
over. Assuming it takes anywhere from a few days to two weeks to come down with
actual COVID-19 disease after exposure, I’d say that, if these evangelicals begin
their work this Sunday, around 60% of them will be dead by the first week of
June.

That means heaven is going to have to prepare for an influx of evangelicals. We don’t want heaven to be overwhelmed, the way our hospitals are overwhelmed, do we? So we have to begin preparing heaven for the huge invasion of dead evangelicals. Every newly-arrived Christian in heaven needs to be welcomed and guided by an angel (it’s in the Book of Revelations), but the problem is, there aren’t enough angels to welcome, say, ten million dead evangelicals. So the Church had better start getting ready now by having Christian volunteers commit suicide so they can get to heaven by April 26 and begin their training sessions to welcome the dead evangelicals.

Where
can we find all these volunteer trainers? One place to look for them is at MAGA
rallies! It all makes so much sense. Yes, at a typical MAGA “re-open America”
rally you’ll find thousands of eager Republican Christians. Granted, most of
them are obese, which makes them heavy and clumsy on earth, but the thing about
being an angel is that it doesn’t matter how fat you are, you can still flap
your wings and fly. So I propose to set up suicide tents at the MAGA rallies.
Explain to these good people that if they kill themselves they’re helping God
and Trump. And have Trump himself tweet the same message. I estimate that as
many as 50% of the people who go to MAGA rallies will kill themselves. If you
add that to the millions of evangelicals who will die of COVID-19, the sum
total approaches 5 million potential Trump voters in November. Now, just to
make sure that doesn’t cost Trump the election, an equal number, if not more,
of Democrats will have to be prevented from going to the polls. If all the Democrats
are allowed to vote (as Trump himself has pointed out), no Republican would
ever win an election again in America. So the Republicans have to begin now to
prevent voter registration, eliminate mail-in ballots, demand the payment of
poll taxes, require identity papers that many poor and rural people don’t have,
minimize the number of polling places in poor and rural communities, and engage
in similar acts of voter suppression.

But
it all ties together! It’s God’s plan. And the U.S. military has a role to play
in this, too. They should start getting the thermonuclear stockpile ready for
immediate use. When the time is ripe, they should launch the missiles on Iran,
on Russia, on China. That will result in immediate retaliation, of course, but
it’s all good, because the Rapture can’t happen until there’s global
thermonuclear war. How will we know when the time is ripe to launch the
attacks? Franklin Graham and Jerry Falwell, Jr. will tell us. They have a pipeline
to God—everybody knows it. They’ll tell Trump when to order the launch codes
activated, and then it happens!

How
beautiful it will be! Evangelical souls and MAGA people rushing upward to the
sky on their journey to heaven. Jesus welcoming them wearing his own hat, which
will say MAHA: MAKE HEAVEN GREAT AGAIN. The Earth will be a smoking heap of
rubble, but that’s okay, because the only people who loved the Earth were
liberal Democrats, and they won’t be there anymore, they’ll be down in hell,
having abominable sex, smoking pot, and taking the Lord’s name in vain. “Oh
my GOD that orgasm was fantastic!”

So
next time you hear about a megachurch preacher telling his congregants to
disregard social distancing and come to church, don’t send them nasty emails by
Googling the name of their church and using the “Contact” link. No, tell them
you hope their trip to heaven proceeds smoothly, and thank them for coughing
and sneezing on each other. After all, as the New Testament says, “Truly, I
say to you, as you sneezed on the least of these my brothers, you sneezed on
me.”

Steveheimoff.com is honored to publish this exclusive, one-on-one interview with President Trump. I spoke with him yesterday, in the Oval Office, with Gus.

Steve Heimoff: Thank you very much, Mister President.

President Trump: You’re welcome. What’s your dog’s name?

SH: Gus.

PT: I don’t like dogs.

SH: I know. I want to start by asking about your plan to lift the
shelter-in-place order on Easter, and re-open the country for business as
usual.

PT: Yeah, we have to get this economy going again, and those
stocks back up. That’s the most important thing for me to get re-elected.

SH: Is it always about you?

PT: What else is there? You? Lol.

SH: Many public health officials say the most important thing is
saving lives.

PT: We can walk and chew gum at the same time. We can re-open the
economy and still fight the China virus.

SH: You’re the only person who calls it the China virus. The rest
of the world calls it coronavirus.

PT: That’s where the virus comes from. China. It’s not from Corona. It’s the kung-flu virus.

SH: If the best way to fight the coronavirus—

PT: China virus.

SH: –is social distancing and staying home, as the scientists
say, then we can’t re-open the economy and let people mingle.

PT: That’s fake news. You should stop watching that horrid MSNBC. Besides, most of those so-called scientists are card-carrying members of the Democrat Party. Look at that Fauci. I call him Tiny Tony. A liberal. You can’t trust anything they say.

SH: Do you concede that if you re-open the economy, more people
will get sick and die?

PT: I’m not conceding anything. But let’s say for the sake of argument that there are a few more incidents of China virus. So what? It’s just a cold. You get the sniffles, then you get better. And besides, most of the people who are getting infected are Democrats.

SH: Really?

PT: Look at the map! New York, Seattle, San Francisco, Chicago,
New Orleans, Jersey. All Democrat hellholes. By contrast, if you look at the
places where there is no China virus, like Idaho, they’re Republican areas. So
this China virus knows what it’s doing. It’s seeking out Democrats. Even a
great American like Dinesh D’Souza says so.

SH: Sir, you’ve never attended church in your life. You once told Page Six in the New York Post you didn’t believe in God, you believed in money.

PT: Lies! Who told you that? Liddle Adam Schiff?

SH: Another question, sir. In the bailout, will Trump companies
get any money?

PT: You’re a terrible reporter. A Communist. Why don’t you go back
to Russia? It’s people like you who hate America and want to drag us down. I
bet you hang out with Obama and his terrorist pals. You better watch out. I
have the military and the gun owners on my side.

SH: I thought you were the president of all Americans.

PT: I am! All real Americans! Christian Americans, Republican
Americans, normal Americans. Now you’ll have to excuse me. I’m scheduled to be
on Fox & Friends. Here’s an official White House pen. No, I won’t shake
hands with you. You probably have the China virus. Now get the hell out of here,
loser! And tell your friend Hunter Biden we’re coming after him!