I would call him the “hero” of the comic, but
heroes don’t often know the thread-count of their bed
sheets. Mitch has a relatively successful career, a decent
New York City apartment, great friends, a low APR, good cell
phone reception, and a closet full of ribbed sweaters from
Banana Republic. Yet he feels that something is still missing
from his life...a void that even E! Wild On and MTV’s
Spring Break haven’t been able to fill...

5 Year Plan: Undetermined, and easily Mitch’s
predominant source of stress. The only definite is that he’d
like to still have all the hair on his head, while minimizing
those weird, random, really long black mutant hairs on his
back.

Mitch’s
best friend from college and, along with Floyd, one of Mitch’s
roommates.

Some say Dave is an insensitive prickwad, but would an insensitive
prickwad consistently tear up when Goose dies? He thinks not.
Undeterred by the reality of “graduating,” Dave
has extended his college lifestyle well into his twenties.
Although a dedicated and ambitious investment banker, Dave
acknowledges that, in the end, money may not buy him happiness.
But it will buy Caribbean bungalows and hot Russian blondes
with broken English, and fuck it, that’s happy enough.

5 Year Plan: Formally documented as “wine,
women, and song” but “Belvedere vodka, unreciprocated
bjs, and a sweet home theater system” would be more
accurate.

Wendy is everything a guy could ever want in a girlfriend
– funny, smart, cute, and can suck the meat off a buffalo
wing in one fluid motion. Her only fault is her inability
to throw away shopping or plastic bags of any kind, which
she compulsively stores in a hall closet like a squirrel gathering
nuts for the winter.

5 Year Plan: Have a meaningful job that
she loves, be in a fairytale romance, start her own line of
children’s books, volunteer at an animal shelter, film
an award-winning documentary, fall asleep every night being
spooned, and successfully lobby Congress to make ugly bridesmaid
dress selection a criminal offense.

Wendy’s
roommate; spends an inordinate amount of time on Mitch’s
couch.

Sheila defines “career” as “that-thing-you-do-for-a-few-hours
-a-day-for-the-2-to-6-years-after-graduation-before-you-marry-a-rich-hottie.”
Sheila is on top of everything that is the latest and greatest
in New York, be it bars, restaurants, marriages or men. Pities
those women who go through life ignorant of their visible
panty-line shame. Haunted by the fear of spending an entire
date completely unaware of bits of broccoli stuck in her teeth.

5 year plan: In this order – Meet
rich guy, get “acceptable” engagement ring, celebrate
wedding at the Plaza, quit job the second she gets back from
honeymoon, throw out all of new husband’s “bachelor-tacky”
furniture while moving into new three-bedroom apartment, start
producing little bundles of future Ritalin users.

Floyd likes to keep his commitments and obligations to a
minimum, preferring to float through life like a leaf twisting
carelessly along the eddies of a forest stream, eagerly waiting
to see where each new day will take him. Alas, they usually
take him no farther than his ass dent on the couch, a side
effect of his budding addiction to pop culture. A philosopher
at heart, he's increasingly nauseated with himself over the
mental real estate occupied by Christina Aguilera's new leather
chaps in his daily ponderings.

5 Year Plan: Start the day with a half-skim
latte, peruse through the Post’s Page Six, run some
errands, make an appearance at "work," whip up some
quiche for him and the boys for dinner, get waaaay too emotionally
invested in the latest Real World, curse his roommates
upon finding an empty Brita filter, refill the Brita filter.
Repeat 1,825 times.

Nupe has the kind of “people-skills” usually
associated with short, chubby, balding, sexually-frustrated
tech department guys. As fate would have it, he also looks
just like one. An ex-dotcom CEO, Nupe is always finding new
and destructive ways to apply his innovative brilliance. His
pubescent years were scarred by recurring fantasies of a ménage
with Blanche and Dorothy from the Golden Girls, and, despite
years of therapy, Nupe never fully recovered.

5 Year Plan: Develop an algorithm to explain
the scientifically implausible success of Caroline Rhea, as
it may be the world's only hope to stop this excruciating
Wanda Sykes epidemic.