Friday, 31 January 2014

Remembering

Today I am exhausted and I can't take in any more! A friend once described it as your head being like a bucket with water in it and sometimes theres to much water and the water starts to flow over.

That's where I'm at I think and my bucket has had ten taps on full..... maybe theres not even a bucket or maybe I'm an exploded fire hydrant water uncontrollably everywhere?

So where am I? In bed trying to calm down and trying to cope with what I've heard, what I'm hearing and what I will hear .

My body is still but heavy. I'm stuck to my mattress made of concrete. I'm aware of what feels like bubbling under my skin and tingling. Every now and then a limb, or over a part of me, will experience a shot of fizzing (inside the bubbles) like Champagne being poured in a glass.

This is not an unpleasant thing I experience and I used to have it daily. It's a type of paralysis; a deep meditative place thats calm and safe.

Apart from ringing in my ears, it's quiet and my mind slows to just filtering suggestions and voices in a way thats singular rather that eight or nine. Eight or nine conversations I can't quite grapple with and one conversation with ringing is the safest quietest place I get.

I am however awake in my eyeballs but disconnected in my body and unable to move. I'm writing this because, as discussed in an earlier blog, I have had a thought that I'd like to write this down. My brain is still engaged to think and explain it for the first time and as normal without any prior decision or warning I wait to move. It is as if my body belongs to someone else in its heaviness suddenly, as it lunges of its back onto its side. I grabbed my phone to type; my eyes are open and I'm able to use my thumb to type.

I don't seem to have choices, again I wait to move, you have to wait for a time of its own choosing for my thumb to spring into life. A delayed reaction connection from my mind to my body along a short wire. When will there be enough electric running down the cable to get the flywheel turning?

I am now in this new position and for the first time I have an awake brain. I have thought I am still aware and I want to type.

At some point something happened to produce enough charge for the flywheel to gain momentum. Having moved and grabbed this phone and without it being a conscious choice I have started to type. My heart is pounding in my chest and I wonder distantly if this is excitement.

I watch my thumb move and I wait. I breath deeply as I am reconnected with the heavy fizzling bubbles running through my legs, the stiff rods that are my arms and I watch my thumb moving in delight.

I'm grateful and I experience joy. It's working so swiftly and my thumb is running around the face of my phone but it's not mine. Its like watching a thumb with its own little brain jumping around and I can feel the heaviness fizzing in the back of my head and neck. I know when it reaches from behind into to the front of my face then I will soon sleep another strange sleep that is not sleep at all (neither in this world or that).

This time I will sleep in that serial space with triumph, (I can feel a crack in my face and involuntary grin as I drift off) I have explained I won!!

I'm awake. Heaviness gone along with three and half hours. Wthout warning, I suddenly jump out of bed; light as a feather trembling all over with thirst for coffee and full of thought.

What's happening? I can remain in thought as my brain doesn't shut down.

The different sounding voices begin to fly in and mount, spiralling up like planes ready to land at Heathrow. Suggestion voices start demanding actions, along with the tune from the killers (Are we human or are we dancers?)

The voices shout...

'watch tv''

' wash '

'make coffee'

' no no no no I am more important'

' write me '

(are we human)

'clear up your room '

' take the dog out as that will solve everything'

'take the dog out theres sun, you are wasting sunlight'

Panic sets in 'you are responsible, you stayed in now and its your fault you didn't collect the vitamin D from the sun. Your skin will melt! '

' no no no I'm more important, she needs to clean up ' repeats the other voice from earlier

'she needs to wash' crys another in desperation

'no no, I'm more important - achieve me and I will make everything WELL!'... says a superior posh sounding plonker ...

they all laugh as he used the word WELL to sound snotty ha ha ha ha (ARE WE HUMAN OR ARE WE DANCERS? MY SIGNS A VITAL MY ...... IS COLD tune loops round again to try and find the missing words )

'You wish' shouts another 'liar, fake, I'm more important you posh git wanna be!!'.... its endless endless.... what to do??? i think mmmmmmm

I wade on, only having been awake five minutes. I haven't even made it to the kettle yet? I wade on and feel the urge to type as a moment of clarity fills me, growing in my mind...

Get a cup and add one full level spoon of powder plus a tit bit containing approximately thirty grains of coffee (most essential for perfection of the brew). Well done, your doing well... next.. one.. two.. three sweetners ... two thirds water with a third milk, thats right... is the temperature right? Well done!

'full fat milk you will get fat'

'leave her alone, she won't have lunch'

'yeah, the milk is her lunch'

ARE WE HUMAN OR ARE WE DANCERS? MY SIGNS ARE VITAL MY HANDS ARE COLD...yeeessss yes, you got it right... a full one a whole line of song. Now you must do the next one...AND IM ON MY KNEES....) and I focus on a wisp of a thought that seems to be connected to a feeling of worms in my belly. This worm feeling focuses me to finish making my coffee. Ignore all the others and type! I have more to say, back off people!!!!!

I have realised with being able to write these things down in the moment that they are happening is what creates a record evidence of there existence. Previously I would have forgotten each episode as I thought they hadn't existed. Now I am able to use these Blogs and other little note entries as bridges in time. They link and record the moments ( because I can think to write ), they are evidence of the journey through moments through the week.

I read them and, although I still don't own the experience as my own because I'm so disconnected, I see them from far off as part of me. There is a thread running from them to the present moment to who I am now.

I recognise other things I know are true facts. I can trust I know this is on my phone and recognise captured thoughts. They are how I think and there is a little catalogue of them getting stored up in date sequence on my phone.

It is in shock that then when I enter a similar situation, previously written about, comes realisation I have created a back log of information that can be used to process the present moment which is in my head!!!!

I cannot only remain thinking, I can now remember!!!!!! Feeling excited to have a connection with a previous me who explained what was happening. Its there a thread in my mind, like a luxurious library of information, and it is also written in hard back blog / note version (WITH A DATE!!!).

I want to reach back and shake my previous selfs hand, thank her for writing and promise her I won't give up "the gift u sent me, I will write a gift to send myself to the future, we will all meet up one day"......

"you bloody nancy writing that romantic shit' "leave her alone"

.....back off people I'm coming through......(they all grumble at the rejection).

I am connecting with excitement as this feels like a tremendous shift in coping and living. A life in the open explained and I think another FIRST may be happening. I may be able to trust my brain that what it's telling me is truth and that it's mine, not the suggestions or voices playing games and confusing me. This is my solid evidence based timeline of now from then (a gift of solidness)!

My brain now explodes all over the place with anticipation and hope. My feet feel as if they may be standing in solid ground!!! I will leave the typing now to go and confront and sort through all the others in my mind and decide what to do next so as to be the best productive with my day, but I won (or should it be, I one)?
....bloody hippy....lol.......