One Year Ago! - 09/05/02

I think this update is more for me than anybody right now. It's been awhile since I've sat down and written out my heart and my thoughts. Some times it's just too painful to think about, so I tuck it away so I can just get through the days. But other times I know I have to face it, however painful it still feels. I know it helps me to write. I think tonight I find myself having a really hard time "keeping it together" knowing this month and the next couple of weeks specifically are probably going to be the hardest for me to face.

I sit here on my couch with big tears in my eyes and yet still holding out hope in my heart. I know hope still carries me through each day and each moment that passes by. My hope is in Christ alone! And I whisper to Jesus tonight, "I love your hope in me and I love the way you love me. Help me Jesus. Help me through this time!"

It feels like I just lost Trent yesterday. I want to cry out for him tonight still, just to talk to him, just to ask him to hold me, just to tell him how much I've missed him...so I ask Jesus to hold me right now...so I can feel His presence surround me and comfort me. There's so much I want to say and it often feels so trapped inside of me, and I don't know how to get it out. I've felt that alot in the last couple of months and I think it finally took it's toll on me. I woke up Wednesday morning with a huge ulcer fever blister on my lip. It hurts like crazy, but it will heal just like the rest of my life has been healing this past year. The day I married Trent I woke up with one on my lip, too! What timing this is now!

I have decided to fly back to Michigan on Monday the 9th of September to spend the day at Trent's resting place on the 10th. That will be my first time back there since I said goodbye to Trent. I plan to take a blanket, some of our favorite music and my bible and just talk to Jesus and Trent for awhile. I know it will be a very important piece of this puzzle...a big part of my healing...letting go some more and letting God a whole bunch! It's a big step for me to go back!

I will fly back home to Nashville on the 11th of September which is truly a symbolic day for me to be flying on a plane.

This past year has been filled with tears and sorrow, love and laughter, weakness and strength and my awesome family and friends....many new friends! I'm soooo blessed to have them in my life! My journey is beginning to flow out of me through songs for my new recording project. I think Trent would be sooo proud of me! (smile) He was always scheduling writing sessions for me to write with other people, and I was always canceling them because I didn't think I could do it. (smile) Now, I know I can do it and I owe it all to Trent and the way he encouraged me and believed in me and my gifts from the Lord.

This is one of my new songs:

LIFE HAS JUST BEGUN

Floating around to find my own ground Fell into You this is when I knew The flooding of rain it's what made the change Now I can see all the colors in me

Oh I love Your sun shinning on me I can feel your wind blowing softly Can you see my spirit blooming New life has just begun in me

Beauty will fall oh like nothing at all Standing in truth it will carry me through When Winter gives in then I will begin To Spring up and say what a beautiful day

Oh I love Your sun shinning on me I can feel your wind blowing softly Can you see my spirit blooming New life has just begun in me

Please keep me close to your heart and prayer list next week especially. I know your love and prayers has kept me fighting for the very thing I know to be true in life. And that is life itself after death. Heaven...Eternity...Seeing Trent again...Surrender...Grace...Mercy...Love... Forgiveness...Joy...Peace...Freedom........HOPE!!!!!!!!!!

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