Monday, September 30, 2013

From the ICP high-water pants/sleeveless combo, to his sweet old school visor-down Mace helmet, to the fact a guy named "Psycho" was riding a Norco model called "The Chaos," this video is perfect. That gem of a song is from rap rock band Hollywood Undead, today's torchbearer of the ICP flame, and it's only fitting that this dude's crew had some sort of music to set the tone for how heavy it was going to get when their main man dropped in on this 15-stair huck.

Hollywood Undead: everything that you loved about ICP, but more of it.

Psycho stomps that landing, and at the end of the day that $650 whip off craigslist just couldn't handle the totality of how awesome he was. It may have taken him 3 minutes and a whole city block to get up to speed, but once he lands the awesome is immediate. He just drops that shit and lets the world know how real he is. So real.

Editor's note: after watching this video for the 15th time I realized dudebro doesn't even clear the stairs. And the Norco Chaos he's on is from 2007. And when it was stock it looked like this:

Friday, September 27, 2013

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Because when you spend the best years of your twenties chasing perfection and pursuing a dream at mortal risk to your body, to celebrate your moment of ultimate triumph you'll want a trophy that looks like someone spraypainted an $8 water bottle. Oh, but it looks like textured spraypaint, so that somehow makes it better.

Why again is Camelbak the presenting sponsor of the Freeride Mountain Bike Tour? Literally no one on the entire tour is riding in a Camelbak, and maybe three of them will ever even consume water from a Camelbak waterbottle. I don't follow or watch the FMB because I don't care, but maybe, just maybe, best case scenario Camelbak corporate has hot chicks in Camelbak t-shirts handing out Camelbak-branded bottles of water to riders after the final drop or the finish line or whatever you call it in these second rate non-racing events.

But that's best case scenario, and I assume all those contests have an energy drink sponsor who's already done that and is light years ahead of Camelbak in terms of marketing. Again, I haven't watched so I don't know, but I'd be willing to guess that Monster already has hordes of nameless, faceless, bleach-blonde 10's hording the base of every slopestyle course in green bikini-tops and leather bondage miniskirts handing out drinks with backmounted sound systems blasting Awolnation while on fire and shooting green fireworks out of their 10-inch green LED stilettos. Just an educated guess.

And besides all that, it's written in all Camelbak contracts that no one can do a 360, or a backflip, or anything rad, in a Camelbak other than Kirt Voreis.

I'm not making this up either, this is official signed-and-sealed contract shit we're talking about here.

LAKE OSWEGO, Ore. – More than 60 underage kids were drinking and one girl was found passed out in the basement from alcohol consumption at a party in Lake Oswego, police said.Lake Oswego police responded to the report of a party at a rented house in the 13000 block of Knaus Road just before 10:30 p.m. Saturday, according to Sgt. Tom Hamann of the Lake Oswego Police Department. Sixty citations were issued for underage drinking, police said. According to Christie Scott, spokeswoman for the OLCC, some of those citations were issued to juveniles under the age of 18.Many of the partying teens were Lewis and Clark College students.

“From what I understand, these students had rented this house in Lake Oswego, seemingly far enough away from Lewis and Clark that if they were partying, campus safety couldn’t get them,” Scott said.

Just saw a helmet cam of the new Bachelor Bike Park from my teammate Carson Storch. He lives down in Bend, so he's a total loc. I recognize the grand opening of the Bike Park is more of a "soft launch," and that the park only has a few trails right now, but I'm 90% confident I could ride this thing down the entire mountain.

Here are some quick Bachelor Bike Park stats:

Total run time: 8 minutes.

Average grade: 3%.

Average speed: 7 mph.

In a word: pinned.

#bachelortrikepark

I drew up a quick diagram to show what I think Bachelor Bike Park needs more of going forward:

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

And if anyone points out that the eagle was in Chamonix/Mont Blanc, I will kill you. If that eagle is in France, than it follows that it is also shitting on France. A lot like Gwin will be doing next year.

I think enough time has passed that I finally feel safe talking about this. I still might be hung for saying this, but am I the only one that thought Steve Peat's bike at World Champs last year looked terrible?

I'm all about one-off World Champs paint jobs and kitting out your bike with color matched blingy parts for that one event, but there is a too far, right? White rims can look cool sometimes sometimes sometimes, but deep dish Enve rims in white? AND a white 40?

Deity was the first company to come out with a full kit of white components, and the bicycle industry learned very quickly that there was a "too much white." Everyone who rode in 2004 knew someone who attempted the all white bike via-Deity bar/stem/cranks, some Halo wheels, and whatever their selection de jour was of a white seat, grips, frame and fork. Not good. Toss in some white Halo Twin-Rails and you were looking at the only thing that looks weirder than an actual albino person. A little bit of white? Makes your bike pop. Everything white? Looks like a 14 year-old got the custom dream build he's been working on over at Universalcycles.com as a surprise Christmas present from mom and pop.

Besides, didn't we learn this lesson the first time? Right around the same time, back in 2003, the Wachowski brothers were learning the hard way that there's a "too much white" and that crossing that line strains credulity:

Seriously, what happened? The original Matrix had such features as: a plot, complex and interesting characters, and difficult unresolved questions. Reloaded and Revolutions were... different.

At the end of the day, white bike parts often look pretty tacky. And seriously, who runs a white 40? It's so tasteless and pedestrian.

Monday, September 16, 2013

There's sort of an unspoken rule in video world that whoever uses a song first in a video part claims it, and claimed songs are dead songs.

Iron Swan by The Sword? Dead. Chase HAWK in Fit Life.

Fast and Loose by Motorhead? Dead. Leogang 2010, Dirt TV.

Born to Run by Bruce Springsteen? Dead. Brian Yeagle in Anthem II.

When one of these video/song pairings comes along at the right time in the right place, it's truly timeless. It's one of those milestones we all remember and can discuss for years to come. At that point, the film maker has made their mark on our collective memory, and in doing so has put their stamp on that song forever. It gets to the point where you can't even hear the song without associating it with the riding segment. Remember the Deer Valley scene in "Stars and Bars" with Master of Puppets? Shit was so good.

Well, I have some good news for the mountain bike film community and fans of mountain bike video everywhere: Paranoid by Black Sabbath is still totally fair game. No one watches KHS videos.

If you haven't seen the photos or video of Lorenzo Suding tearing the headtube off his new GT yet, trust me, you will. It's bad.

And of course everyone and their brother is talking shit about GT. Of the nine comments on the Pinkbike video, 11.1% of them said "F#$% that, I'm selling my Fury right away." A couple of thoughts on this subject:

1. First of all, there's no way that guy's actually going to sell his Fury, that's just internet tough guy talk. All of us know that guy is probably 38 years old, a dentist, and is a lower midpack Cat 2 racer in the one or two races he enters every year, and he's going to rethink that idea oh, say, 15 minutes after he "contributes to the dialogue" on PB. $20 says he has a carbon one from 2010 anyway.

2. Have you seen that gap in person? It's the biggest scariest gap on the planet. It's no less than fifty feet, but my bet is it's closer to sixty, and the videos from there do it absolutely no justice at all. It's a straight bunnyhop. When we course hiked it last year the gap was a joke, the sort of line you throw out there as a "what if?" and don't seriously consider, and no one in the whole pro field even tried it until late in the pre-quali practice session. When they did try it last year, it was straight up super hero shit. Kirk McDowall was there this year, and not only did he qualify, a feat I have still never accomplished, he got 37th in finals. And he didn't hit the gap in his race run. You need to understand that this gap is not the long wooden lip at the end of Dirt Merchant. This is the gnarliest gap that the gnarliest rider you know would ever hit. Casing it is the most violent thing I can think of doing to a bike. I literally cannot think of anything I could do to a bike that would be more destructive, other than running directly into a tree. Realistically, you probably suck and will never put 1/10th the force into your bike that Lorenzo did when he cased the mega death gap.

3. Bikes break. I hate to say it, but bikes break. They just do. Sometimes the head tubes even rip off. There is a picture on Pinkbike right now of every major downhill bike that you've ever seen or ridden with the head tube ripped off. Giant Glories, V-10's, Konas of course because that's the classic and owners were downright proud to post their very own "Stinky with a head tube ripped off" photo, Demo 8's, Devinci's, Treks, Knolly's, whatever. At some point someone ripped the head tube off every bike model you've ever ridden. If ten more videos stream in of GT's breaking head tubes off, so be it. That would convince me there's a real epidemic. Until then, you people are stupid. This is akin to the "I didn't buy a Demo because Gwin couldn't win on it" argument. What Lorenzo and Gwin do is so far from your realm of existence that there are almost two separate sets of physics.

4. The list of what ifs is a mile long. We don't know if that was a production bike, and we don't know if the bike was already compromised and he rode it anyway (which, dirty little secret, happens all the time at races if you're not the top 20 in the world). For all we know aliens zapped it with a aluminum destructor cannon and GT corporate specifically told him not to run that bike and he did anyway because he's Italian and that's just how he rolls. What we do know is that he was the very last GT world cup talent to get the new one, so he's not exactly on their hot list of people to get bikes to. If it was compromised, who knows what the fix-it process looks like. Overnighting bikes to Scandanavia is not cheap, and Lord knows Atherton Racing's not going out of their way to give him one of Gee's bikes as a loner.

5. Lorenzo was fine. If you haven't seen the clip of Loris Vergier getting KTFO three turns up the hill at Hafjell, he *probably* ate shit because his front tire was 2 PSI too low. At the speeds they're going everything can kill you. Loris Vergier looked 100% clinically dead, and he got hurt going around a turn. Lorenzo snapped his head tube off on the scariest gap in the world and walked away. So, A) the scariest thing that could ever happen and your worst fear come to life = Lorenzo's totally fine, and B) the thing that these guys do every day and that could happen every single time you ride = Loris looked like he'd be relearning how to talk and how to color with crayons inside the lines again.

MOUNTAIN BIKING IS INHERENTLY DANGEROUS AND EQUIPMENT FAILS. IF YOU DON'T KNOW THIS ALREADY KILL YOURSELF OR QUIT AND PICK UP QUILTING.

I don't care about GT's sales. I don't care about Specialized sales. I don't care whether or not you buy those bikes. I just hate the idea that people are stupid enough to let one single event or person impact their opinions so negatively. You people are sheep.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

This doesn't even qualify as ETT. He's literally not turning, he's just stopping. Instead of taking his momentum and changing vectors, aka turning, he's taken all his momentum and plowed squarely into the top of this shitty made-for-photos dust-pile berm. This maneuver is less a form of turning, and is more akin to dumping the parachute on a drag car.

One of my favorite things about this photo is that you can tell no one even rides this berm. The whole face of the berm is pock-marked and has roots hanging out of it. Dollars to donuts, the only part of that berm that gets ridden by normal people (those not trying to shoot a bro-bra brownpow Dakine/Navajo Indian Quilt Collab photo) is the first 6 inches.

Possibility A: The turn is pretty much over after the stump, making this mother of all freeride-flicks the worst line ever. The smart money is to stay low where it's hard packed, and not get bogged down in the soft bullshit. If enough people ride this line, it will probably firm up and rut out, making it even faster. Another fun bonus: if the turn does end after the stump, whoever built this berm also sucks and did 10 times too much work.

Possibility B: Maybe I'm wrong, and this turn keeps going for another 90 degrees after the stump. Congratulations, this still qualifies as the worst line ever. He's going to be at a dead stop and then have 2/3 of the turn left. Also, if there's more turn than we can see in the photo, then the big tall berm is very necessary, and Mr. Sherrard just nuked the hot line for everyone else. Sweet.

Maybe that's just what you get when you build your trails out of a proprietary Kamloops-only blend of sawdust, flour, and pocket lint. We had moles at our trails that dug holes in the lips and landings, maybe in Kamloops you just have to deal with migratory freeriders that chainsaw your berms a couple times a season.

Freeriders hover near the top of the KILL LIST, not just for riding badly and doing Quazimodo "shoulder buzzers," but also for encouraging this sort of behavior. Whether it looks stupid or not, it *might* be cool for you to do this stuff on your own trails that you built, or maybe you're tight bros with the super chill homie who builds the berms you ruin, but that's not the case for 99% of the kids out there who grab Dad's Go-Pro and drive to someone else's spot so they can freeride flick their way to internet stardom.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

And apparently making fun of their German bike brands, culture, and affinity for Hasselhoff/Schley hurt their feelings. But don't listen to me, enjoy their thoughts, comments, and musings:

"Guy(s) behind this blog seem to be assholes.""At least in Germany there are still bike companies that actually design and produce their frame in Germany e.g. Nicolai.""I also recommend you to travel the world first before hiding behind stereotypes such as "Germans like David Hasselhoff" (which nobody there does really...)." "Where did you ride the rose-bike?"

"Favorite part of this entire post is where the Germans arrive and prove their humorless stereotype is true through this comment thread."

Boom.

The weirdest thing about this whole international incident is that the blog post in question was two weeks old when the Germans found it, and no one in the U.S. had even commented on it. No one here cared. Like everything I write, I thought the "Unrideable" post was hilarious, and after posting it I sat back and waited for the inevitable flood of congratulatory praise to come rolling in. I kept checking on the comments section to seek what little affirmation I could find in life and, day after day, I saw nothing. Eventually I gave up on the post, concluding that no one would ever care. The whole post was forgotten. It was deemed unimportant, irrelevant even.

Only after my post was long considered dead did the Germans find it. And once the Germans found it, that's when it became a true star:

You can read this and other stories in the upcoming TEAM ROBOT children's book "Richie Schley's Career, and 101 Other Reasons to Never Give Up Hope."