Month: April 2018

My kiddo saw a video of shrimp bacon kabobs somewhere, and begged me for several days to make them. Once I got to the store for skewers and shrimp (because we always have bacon, obviously), I went for it.

This recipe is so amazingly simple, it barely counts as a recipe. Since I’m obsessed with digestion-enhancing spices, I simply rubbed them with cumin, a bit of Braggs, salt, and pepper.

The Skinny

If you want to do it the old fashioned way for whatever reason (including your pride), try this:

Put three eggs in a blender.

Slowly pour in 3/4 cup oil and blend intermittently until smooth.

Add 1 tsp lemon juice and 1 tsp vinegar.

Then either remove and blend the basil before replacing the mayonnaise, or put the fresh basil in a food processor and add to the blender for one last mix.

Easy-peasy, lemon-squeezy, as my kiddo and I like to say.

This is an awesome quick-and-easy weeknight dinner we can have fun making together, and cleanup is super simple, too. We both love meals you don’t have to wait long for, don’t have to pre-meditate, and can dip in mayonnaise.

Now I keep some frozen shrimp on hand at all times so we can bust this out with no forethought. It’s a definite top 10.

Sometimes I complain. Sometimes I zoom in on the negative and forget about the bright side of life, especially when it comes to acknowledging the material abundance I actually experience in my life as middle class white American.

Then I started noticing my son doing it. That’s when I said nuh-uh. I’m not going to let that negative pattern get passed on to my kiddo.

Gamifying Gratitude

Sow how do you teach kids gratitude? A good way to start is by making it a game.

This solution came to me out of nowhere one day when my little guy spontaneously thanked me for the meal I made him. It was definitely one of those parenting win moments, and I had to do something about it, right then and there. The answer: two jars and a heck of a lot of coins.

The blue jar is the Gratitude Jar. Whenever anyone in the household displays spontaneous gratitude, appreciation, or recognition, a coin goes in the blue jar. Once the jar gets filled up, we use the money to do something together to celebrate, like getting ice cream or going to the museum.

The green jar is the Negativity Jar. Coins go in there when we complain, mope, forget to be cooperative, or use unkind words. When that jar is full, we donate the coins to a pre-selected charity to help those in need.

Having More Doesn’t Equal Happy

It’s not easy to teach kids gratitude in a world of entitlement, where they expect to have every desire met within moments of conceiving of it.

I have to admit that it took me living in Thailand for a few years for the true weight of just how privileged I am to sink in. As a US passport holder, I can go to virtually any country I want. My blonde hair and blue eyes automatically brands me as innocuous, whether at home or abroad.

My Bachelor’s Degree, earned at an American college and paid for by my parents, opens the door to a huge breadth of opportunities not available otherwise. And the mere fact that I speak English is not really a mere fact to the rest of the world. It’s a ticket to a very different life.

Privileged or not, wanting what you have and appreciating the positive in life has been shown on a chemical level to increase satisfaction and fulfillment. The logic is simple; when you focus on what you have rather than what you lack, the feelings of inadequacy, dissatisfaction, and longing dissipate.

Practicing What You Preach

I especially like the double jar method because not only does it encourage gratitude, it encourages cooperation as well. Double win! And it works well for my kiddo in particularbecause he loves visual, measurable ways to understand things.

Instead of my son being the only one held to the standard, everyone in the household is encompassed in the intention of being more grateful and less, well, complainy. And of course, kids learn best when they see behaviors modeled by the adults closest to them.

If the blue jar gets filled, we celebrate together. When the green jar gets filled, we all have the opportunity to contemplate generosity and what it means to appreciate what we have. It’s not a punishment, but a reminder of how lucky we are to have access to so much in our lives.

It often opens up conversation about all the little gifts we otherwise might not acknowledge, and it gives my little guy a chance to catch me when I’m forgetting myself and getting a little too down in the doldrums.

I was practically raised in a shopping mall, but I’ve come to find that spending time in a retail store really drains me. Between fluorescent lights, crowds, and too many choices, it’s one of the easiest ways for me to lose energy.

Interestingly, I find time in a thrift store doesn’t have the same effect. Typically, I’m going in with no objective in mind; I allow myself to meander and really take in what I find.

In a thrift store, you get what you see. There aren’t rows and rows of the same item, so you don’t find yourself deciding over this size, that color, which fit looks best. Everything is what it is. It keeps things simple.

Beyond that, is has its practical aspect as well. It’s an especially good way to find gently used kid’s clothes, toys, and baby items.

Taking It Out of the Mall and Into the Neighborhood

My kiddo and I did a bit of impromptu garage-sailing this weekend when there just so happened to be three en route to the farmer’s market. I couldn’t resist!

It’s a good thing, too, because we found several items that have been on my list for awhile, including a 100 piece set of cookie cutters for $1, an ice cream maker for $5, and an oil warmer for self massage for $1. The little guy found himself a die cast car for 50 cents. Can’t beat those prices!

Besides keeping it simple and saving a buck, there are a few more reasons I like skipping the mall and heading for a local shop or friendly neighborhood garage sale.

Sustainability

We’ve all heard the expression that one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. More than that, reusing what another person is ready to trash is a great way to keep usable items out of landfills. For those that aren’t usable, there are often ways they can be repurposed into something new, whether for utility or art.

I used the opportunity to explain to my kiddo that it takes a lot of resources to create the

products we see on store shelves, and that resource use is hard on the earth. I also explained that when we buy things without packaging, we are preventing a lot of plastic, cardboard, and paper from ending up in landfills.

According to the EPA, Americans generated 254 million tons of trash in 2013. About 55% of that trash gets buried in landfills, which tend to act as mummifiers–preserving rather than decomposing what’s inside. I’ll try to avoid giving an ecology lesson, suffice it to say there is lots of chemical leakage that happens from electronics and batteries, and it isn’t a very pretty picture for soil and water health.

People

Another common trope these days is that we vote with our dollars, and I stand by this idea when I’m making a purchase. It’s good to know that your money is going directly to a family or shop owner when you buy something, and in the case of thrift shops, that money often goes to charities as well.

In our town, several thrift shops are set up to support the local hospices, and I always feel good knowing that my dollar is going to help comfort someone who is soon to leave this world.

Manufactured goods are also produced by people, and not always in the most favorable conditions. Cheap labor often comes at a very high price, including environments that degrade workers’ health and require them to live far away from family.

In the more immediate, garage sales are a great way to meet the neighbors. I’ve had the opportunity to shake hands and get to know several people whom I likely wouldn’t have met had I not stopped by their sale.

Smart Spending

Obviously, buying used items is a much cheaper way to shop. Another way repurposing the old is easy on the wallet is that old stuff is more durable.

Gone are the days when products were designed to outlive their owners and be passed down through the generations. More and more, especially in the rapidly evolving world of tech, things are not built to last. In some cases, companies design their products specifically so consumers will have to purchase new ones within 1 to 5 years.

This is called “planned obsolescence”. It’s good for the bottom line, but that’s about it. Not only does it require that consumers spend their money at a faster rate; it utilizes more and more resources to keep up with demand. Logic dictates that when demand surpasses supply, we’ll run out of the materials we need to keep the manufacturing process going. Of course, this is a contentious point and I suppose only time will tell whether I’m accurate or not.

Another thing to consider is that the price of the item we’re being sold is often inflated far beyond the cost of production. For instance, a t-shirt made in Malaysia costs 10 cents to make. When we buy it for $30, that’s a 300 x inflation. That makes a great profit margin, but it also makes me feel a bit like a sucker. When I can get 5 shirts for the price of one, why wouldn’t I do that? Plus, when you consider the wages of the worker who made the shirt, it throws more nuance on the issue.

Taking a Break from the Mass Produced

My final reason for loving a good hunt through a thrift store is the story. I don’t even have to buy anything, I just enjoy perusing the aisles and wondering about the unique origins of what I find. Each item has a bit of history, a bit of humanity, and can be repurposed in a thousand different ways that may differ from the original use. That’s just not something you get from rows of identical packaged goods and the latest branded toys.

Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t sworn off retail shopping altogether. I love a good sale, and I still buy new stuff pretty often. And yes, my kid watches Disney movies. I just try to be mindful about what I get from where, and think about whether there might be alternatives that are more beneficial.

And I absolutely, totally splurge sometimes. I think treating yourself to something nice and new once in awhile can be an act of self care. For me, it’s also an antidote to perfectionism and the guilt I sometimes feel about being a consumer.

It’s all about balance and finding what’s right for you. Happy sailing!

That’s why I was thrilled when my son and I came across Shel Silverstein’s “The Missing Piece Meets the Big O” at the library. Not only was I pleasantly surprised to come across a book by Silverstein I hadn’t heard of–being a big fan since childhood–I was even more pleased with the profundity and value of the message therein. I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised; it is Shel Silverstein, after all.

“The Missing Piece Meets the Big O” is actually a sequel to “The Missing Piece,” and it begins with a lonely little “piece” sitting around waiting for “someone to come along and take it somewhere.”

The piece encounters plenty of companions who it hopes can make it into a whole. Unfortunately, it finds that some are too big, some are too small, some are too fragile.

Eventually, along comes The Big O. The missing piece asks if it can hitch a ride, and the Big O suggests perhaps the piece try moving on its own. It gets off to a bumpy start, but eventually the piece is happily rolling along on its own journey.

Whoah. I can relate.

Teaching Kids to Face Their Fears

Shel puts it in childlike, poetic terms that made my eyes well up at times, illustrating with deft simplicity the error of seeking wholeness and satisfaction outside of oneself, and the empowerment and fulfillment that comes from growth.

This stimulated a great discussion about overcoming fears and obstacles between my little guy and me. We talked about how we can’t really grow if we always rely on others to do things for us, and that in order to be strong and believe in ourselves, it takes effort, hard work, and sometimes suffering. In the end, of course, it’s worth it to become better than who we were before.

These are important lessons for a kid who catches on to most things quickly but is easily frustrated when a challenge rears its head (taking after mom). He’s certainly got the strength and intelligence, but our instant gratification society hasn’t helped him develop a sense of satisfaction in having to work for something. Quite frankly, it wasn’t until this American millennial became a mother that I–eventually and after great resistance–learned the value and gratification of hard work and reaping the fruits of my efforts.

And I haven’t got that on lock or anything.

I’m still working on my own patterns toward co-dependency that I didn’t become privy to until long after I became a mother. It’s a subtle, sticky thing, and it’s not something I want to instill in my son. Crossing my fingers.

Not to gush but thanks again, Shel, for another masterpiece that says so much with so few words. My hope is that it can stir similar conversations among other mamas, papas, or whoever gets the privilege of sharing story time with the children they love. After all, a child can never be told too much that they are perfect, capable, and whole, all on their own.

Finding a balance in parenting is hard. Knowing just the right amount of effort vs the right amount of letting go is almost impossible. It’s a constant back of forth between the rational and the emotional, but I find that the true sweet spot–as in all things–happens just beyond the two, when intuition kicks in.

There are plenty of days, today being one of them, that I find myself kind of overdoing it. Okay, not kind of. Like completely, utterly, neurotically overdoing it. You see your kid do one thing wrong, and it’s like an entire lifetime of maladaptive behavior and social ostracism flashes before your eyes.

These are the moments when I–or more often, someone in the vicinity who happens to be a little more connected to reality at that moment–remind myself to take a step back and let go of control.

When Your Mind Becomes Your Enemy

If you have these kind of thought-streams, as a parent or in general, you get what I mean. You can go from a perfect, tranquil day at the park to juvenile hall (in your head) when the latter has absolutely no bearing on the situation at all. Obviously, it’s not fun to experience this as a parent, but when it happens often enough, it’s extremely unfair to your kid.

I’ve unfortunately learned this the hard way as a person who has experienced anxiety on and off throughout her life. One negative thought can lead to another, and quickly a chain of these kinds of thoughts can become a full blown panic attack. This is why it’s so essential, especially when you have a quick, mercurial mind, to guard the gates and feed yourself positive mental food. Practices like meditation, yoga nidra, affirmations, and self-care, self-care, self-care are ESSENTIAL. In my life and on my journey to freedom from the tyranny of my own mind, they are NON-OPTIONAL.

When it comes to my kid, I’ve learned that he sees himself how I see him. And I mean this completely literally. If I’m jumping from watching him shove another rowdy boy at the park to visions of him being the school bully, he internalizes that perception, too. It’s not as if he’s reading my mind–yet in a sense, he is.

The Science Behind The Scenes

The reason for this lies in the science of mirror neurons, which are essentially the neurological key to social behavior. Mirror neurons fire when we observe another human being performing an action, and they fire the exact same way when we perform that action ourselves.

They are the literal version of monkey see, monkey do, and they are also the explanation for the phenomenon of “catching” a yawn. Watch one person yawn, and your mirror neurons will almost invariably cause you to yawn as well. Interestingly, defects in mirror neurons are found in those who have autism, which accounts for what is sometimes seen as atypical social behavior in those on the spectrum.

As a parent, mirror neurons provide evidence to support the idea that my perception becomes my kid’s reality. The thoughts and feelings that I have about him translate, both through his emotional receptivity as an extremely sensitive kid and via the mirror neuron connection.

When I step in and give him that look that says, “You’re being bad,” no matter how sensitive my words are, he internalizes that awful thought. For a kid, there is no difference between the “You’re being bad” look and one that says “You are a bad person”.

Taking Responsibility, Disowning Anxiety

When I realized how much the anxiety I was experiencing was affecting my son, I went on a long, arduous, and bumpy journey to figure out how to stop being such a nervous wreck all the time.

With the love, support, and no-bullshit approach of a few amazing teachers, I can say with confidence that I have all the tools I need to change my way of being from anxiety to positivity, and more than that, to presence.

Now, do I succeed at doing that all the time? Heeeeell no.

But I’m working on it. Every. Single. Day.

Changing your DNA is serious business. But it is possible. I have seen firsthand that when I am in a balanced, non-anxious state, my son feels secure, stable, loved, and heard. What this means for me is that anxiety is no longer an option. My son’s well-being is way too important to spend another day in fear.