A Scrapbook of Dumb Shit

Lizard Fuck Coat Tales #1

This is the beginning of a weekly Sunday incarnation of stories that are appropriately named Lizard Fuck Coat Tales. The above picture was a Google link that popped up when I typed in my title, so there it is–Dragontales. Be prepared for me to get increasingly deeper and twisted with each passing week, so close your inhibitions and open your mouth because this is LIZARD FUCK COAT TALES! (This was invented in the midst of a serious brainstorm on the back porch of Ranalli’s with me and Sean and from now on will take the world by storm.) P.S. The formatting from Word to this is fucking me over so don’t get on me about paragraph tabbing and shit because it is not of my own valediction.

Tale 1 – Into the Desert

One hollowed day, Fleeble and Scoop were driving up 15 North from Los Angeles towards Las Vegas. The engine reading had been impeding on the letter H, but due to the three blunts of the sweet sensi and three albums of Animal Collective, they failed to notice. Suddenly, smoke begins to funnel out of the hood across the windshield. Sensing this may have an impact on their journey, Scoop decides to pull over and investigate the situation. Scoop pops the hood and is immediately enveloped in smoke. He coughs and takes a few steps back while Fleeble kicks dirt and attempts to chase a gecko that is both more intelligent and nimble than he.

“What the hell are we supposed to do?” Fleeble questions after being thwarted by the gecko.

“Cool the engine down somehow you stupid bucket of pubes.”

“Sorrrry car expert, you are just as ripped as I am.”

“Yeah, but I wasn’t conceived at an orgy.”

“Well big fucking deal, a lot of people like a little fruit punch.”

“Nice attitude Fleeb, can you get me water?”

“What water? We needed to stop for some, and we drank our last Gatorades during the third blunt.”

“Well maybe we can piss on it.”

“Isn’t pee usually hot, and I don’t have to piss.”

“Shut up about hot because it is still under body temperature, and I don’t have to fucking piss either.”

“If you start jerking off and then stop won’t you have to pee?”

“I fucking hate you Fleeb.”

“I’m just sayin’, but I thought the last sign said gas station in two miles.”

“Yeah I think I see something up past that hill on the right, we could cut up the dirt a little.”

“Sounds good.”

They begin to cut across the dirt to where they believe is a gas station and suddenly come across a giant lizard moving towards the mountains on their right. They have never seen a lizard this large and decide to watch it move for a few moments. They begin to look in front of the lizard’s path and notice that it is moving toward a black jacket laying dormant and neglected in the dirt.

“Hey check out this jacket!” shouts Fleeble as he runs over to it.

“You want a dirty jacket?” sarcastically questions Scoop.

“Dude, it’s awesome. Check out this design on the back,” Fleeble says as he displays the jacket to Scoop with each shoulder pinched in between his respective fingers.

“It kind of looks like the Cobra logo from G.I. Joe.”

“Yeah, only it doesn’t look like a snake.”

“Who cares dude? Put it down and let’s keep walking,” Scoop says as he notices the lizard they were following is staring up at him with disdain.

“I’m wearing this shit man, I haven’t had a new jacket in three years.”

“I don’t think this lizard wants you to have this jacket.”

“Man fuck this lizard, it doesn’t fit him.”

Fleeble puts the jacket on, which coincidentally is a perfect fit, and they continue walking through the dirt towards mechanical help for their vehicle.

“Aren’t you hot in a heavy black jacket?”

“I feel perfect man, actually I feel like I know everything.”

“That jacket enlightened you?”

“More like it enlightened my cock, I feel the axiom of iguana truth flowing through my shaft.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Scoop interjects as he grabs Fleeble on his shoulder.

“Take your pants off my friend, and I will show you everything the world has forgotten.”

“Looks like three blunts is too many for you Fleeb, just take the jacket off and shut the fuck up.”

“I will penetrate you with the fury and spirit of the Komodo dragon!!!” Fleeble shouts as he jumps in front of Scoop.

“Dude, if you are pretending that is a magic fagot jacket, I will leave you in the desert.”

“You are the one that is pretending, now taste the truth with your rear palette!” Fleeble yells as he takes off his pants exposing his inappropriately erect penis.

“Holy fuck! This isn’t funny at all dude, these kind of jokes need girls around.”

“There is no boy or girl, only the scaled truth of rippled retribution!” Fleeble screams as he charges at Scoop with his manhood.

Fleeble continues walking toward the mountains and eventually spots a coyote. He approaches the coyote and it does not flee due to a rear left leg injury. Fleeble grasps the coyote by its hindquarters and begins to rape it without mercy. The coyote howls and howls, but cannot do anything to alleviate the spirit of the iguana that is currently penetrating his authentic mountain chasm. Scoop sees the bestiality in the distance, grabs a rock, and runs out to Fleeble and his furry victim.

“I’m only gonna say this once dude, stop raping that fucking coyote!”

“Silence you ignorant fool.”

“Fine, that’s it!” Scoop shouts as he smashes the rock into Fleeble’s skull, rendering him unconscious.

The coyote looks back at Scoop with a mixture of anguish and appreciation in his eyes, not knowing how he will ever explain this trauma to his coyote family. After the coyote limps away, Scoop grabs the jacket, leaving Fleeble in the dirt, and continues the last mile or so to the gas station. He arrives at the desolate station which is plastered with red and gray designs from times long gone, and heads into the main door.

“Can you help me tow my car that broke down a few miles down the road?” he asks the visibly intoxicated gas station clerk.