The iMan, due to be shipped starting November, are healthy, smart, charismatic, athletic and completely dreamy men whose primary goal in life is to please their ladies.

“It helps that the iMan models are also good-looking,” said Apple CEO Tim Cook at the launch, much to the delight of the mostly female audience. “Just like any other Apple product, we’ve made sure that the iMan is something you’d be proud parading around and displaying while you sip your lattes.”

The first-generation smart man joins the barrage of hyper-innovative smart phones, smart tablets and smart wearables that analysts say would not only satiate the hunger of Apple fans around the world who have been waiting for ‘the next big thing’, but also serve to boost the company’s performance after losing ground to rivals Samsung and new entries from China.

Pinching the pecs of one iMan on stage to display the absurdly handsome features of the shiny product, Cook said that each iMan was designed to the strict specifications of what women look for in the idea of a ‘perfect man’.

“Of course, what each woman want in men might be different, so we approached the iMan design with a mixture of top-of-the-line core features, plus unparalleled customisation.

“The iMan comes in the standard peak age-range of 25- to 40-years old, but you can have your iMan in white, black, beige, pale, brown or anything in between. You can pretty much custom-order your iMan to be of any ethnicity and skin colour. Heck, you can even order your smart-man to resemble almost any handsome celebrity — we’ve got a template of over 1,500 hot men from around the world,” said Cook, adding jokingly that he may be on the list too.

Other than being super smart, considerate and good natured as being standard, the iMan comes in three variants, the iMan ‘e’, ‘b’ and ‘m’.

“The ‘e’ stands for ’emo’,” said Cook. “This variant has high sensitivity and emotional intelligence quotient, so expect this iMan to understand your every feeling. We designed this model for women who seek an emotional equal. You can chat about virtually anything all night long and he won’t turn into a zombie like most regular guys do.

“The ‘b’ model is all about brains. Some women are stimulated by highly intelligent men, so this variant, while still being completely wonderful as a life partner, will thrill you with his genius mind. However, to avoid this iMan to turn into a total geek or smart aleck that might turn you off, you can adjust the iMan b’s intelligence setting, between ‘Top Student’ to ‘Stephen Hawking’.

“The ‘m’ model in the meantime, focuses on machismo,” Cook added, flexing his own arm muscles. “This iMan is all about brawn and strength, yet still retaining the sensitivity of your dream man.

“Think of it as your personal Hercules in touch with his feminine side.”

Cook said that the iMan, with prices starting at US$499, comes with 20 hours of battery life, depending on usage. “We’re working to extend the active time of each iMan of course, but if you think about it, the iMan is still better than a regular man who typically needs 8 hours of sleep every day. It’s an ongoing innovation process.

“Additionally, we’re working to add more features to future models, such as the ability to make money and be nice to in-laws. So while currently you’d have to pay for his meals and sustain his lifestyle, iMan 2 will be completely self-reliant, and may even support your household income.”

KUALA LUMPUR — The movie ‘Godzilla’, which opened early today was relaunched under a new title to comply with a new law requiring all creative, entertainment and cultural products to be more positive and heartwarming, as well as more sensitive and safer for the Malaysian audience.

The science-fiction action feature film, based on a Japanese TV series about a giant reptile running amuck in Tokyo, became the first creative product to be affected by the Harmonious and Positive Element in Entertainment (HAPEE) act, which falls under the purview of the Information Department of the Malaysian Information and Communication Ministry. The act, unanimously passed by Parliament in February, stipulates that any entertainment product, be it broadcast, printed, published online or performed live to the general Malaysian public, must not contain any element which are deemed negative, harmful to society or disrespectful to Malaysian values and sensitivities.

When contacted, Ministry spokesperson Pn. Laminah Gastono said that the movie was retitled ‘Go-zilla’ to “refocus the movie on the positive values such as being a ‘go-getter’ and reflects ‘constant improvement’ attitude”.

BEFORE & AFTER: The new, more positive and happier Go-zilla poster shows love, joy and intact buildings, compared to the depressing and violence-ridden original

“The relaunched movie retains much of the original content, with most of the action sequences and dialogues largely untouched,” said Laminah. “The HAPEE editing committee is very much aware that Malaysian viewers are mature and can form logical, sensible decisions based on educated opinions. As such, we only edited around 45 per cent of the film, which contains aggression, violence, swearing, sexual innuendos, judgmental connotations, insulting barbs or negative elements that may cause fear and provoke certain audience members to react adversely.

“Our concern is the mental wellbeing of the Malaysian audience. Heaven knows we’re already being bombarded by so much negativity in the media every day, with bad news making the headlines with gory pictures turning our stomachs. We look to entertainment products such as movies, TV shows and songs to feel better, so the job of regulators is to ensure that the entertainment is truly positive, heartwarming and provides harmonious good feeling.”

Laminah added that HAPEE is an improved version of the censorship policy it replaces, both in spirit and in the tools used.

“The censorship regulation used previously only covered certain aspects of entertainment and applied varying standards for different products. As a result, we saw many cases of inconsistencies: some movies ended up showing too much negativity, while some others got butchered unnecessarily. And we also saw different treatments received by TV shows, movies, concerts and such, thanks to different entities handling each product. HAPEE happily takes over the role for all creative entertainment and edu-tainment products.

“And as for tools, we are also a lot more creative in protecting the eyes and ears of the Malaysian audience,” added Laminah. “Thanks to a robust new technology developed in-house, we no longer have to rely only on cutting, blurring or pixellating sexy scenes and bleeping curse words. We can now replace offensive elements with wholesome, family-friendly ones automatically, and even rewrite the storyline to be more healthy,” she said, before demonstrating the new, always smiling Go-zilla trudging around New York while meowing and purring like a kitten, spreading love and well-wishes all around.

Laminah also stated that Godzilla was the perfect movie to be the pioneer HAPEE-certified product.

“First of all, we replace the first syllable with ‘Go’, because as you know, the word is a sensitive one in Malaysia. To remove any possibility of anyone being confused between a giant reptile and a religious term, we decided that it was better to change it altogether. And what better way than to change it to such a positive, forward-thinking and innovative word such as ‘Go’! Always moving, always improving!

“We’ve also made sure that upon watching this film, the audience will feel nothing but happiness, joy and benign sentiments. Even the soundtrack has been automatically edited — the fear- and suspense-inducing parts have been replaced with tunes from popular children’s nursery rhymes,” adding that the Incy Wincy Spider song was her personal favourite. “In the end, no city gets destroyed, nobody dies, no fear is felt and absolutely no guns were fired — nay, even appears — in Go-zilla. Everyone lives happily ever after.”

Laminah said that the HAPEE committee is already in the process of editing a few films, TV shows and performances slotted to be released in the coming weeks and months.

“The X-Men: Days of Future Past will have all its negativity removed and edited. We find that ‘X’ has negative connotations, implying a ‘No’, so we’re changing that to a ‘Yes’. And since our committee finds ‘Days of Future Past’ is rather confusing, we’re editing that too,” she said proudly, adding that thanks to the HAPEE committee’s efficiency and technology, ‘Yes-Men: Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow’ will open in theatres as scheduled on May 22. “So, without spoiling the plot, I say: do look forward to a positive, happy, conflict-less, non-mutated character-filled tale of love and remembrance of history.

“And while we’re talking about history, HAPEE will also revisit all the creative works already available in Malaysia, including those targeted to children,” added Laminah.

“Has anyone realised how violent children’s fairy tales and nursery rhymes are? In almost every one, somebody gets injured, maimed or brutally killed! Hansel & Gretel — death and cannibalism. Jack & Jill — horrific and bloody accident while climbing up the hill. Humpty Dumpty — broken limbs and certain death after falling off a wall. What insanity is all this? I suppose they are a reflection of the sad, angry old war-mongering days of our feudal ancestors.

KUALA LUMPUR — US President Barack Obama, on-route to the Philippines after completing a 3-day visit to Malaysia, was denied entry into the presidential plane Air Force One by the Secret Service after his durian-tainted breath triggered the aircraft’s hazardous gas sensors.

Mr Obama, who had just enjoyed a large serving of the thorny fruit known for its pungent, strong smell yet delicious taste, was stopped by his own security personnel at the aircraft door and asked to return to his armoured limousine and taken to a nearby airport VIP lounge where he could ‘decontaminate’ his mouth.

A Secret Service spokeswoman said that this drastic measure was unusual, but needed to be taken for the safety of the entire plane, as the Asian fruit’s overwhelming smell, quoted by some as ‘reeking of garbage stink’, could overcome the other personnel and endanger the flight.

STRONG STOMACH: Obama being escorted away from Air Force One

“We are truly sorry to do this to the Commander-in-Chief, but we have strict rules about toxic smells on our flights,” said the spokesperson who declined to be named. “Our job is to ensure the security of the president, but if he poses a danger to himself by consuming such thing, we have to make a stand.

“We can’t have our pilots or other staff suffocating just because Mr Obama says ‘Hi’ to them, unleashing the smell of hell unto them. Heck, I don’t think even our delicate electronic instruments could withstand such a rancid scent. A couple of his security details had to be taken to the emergency room just now when he flashed his grin at the crowd before we left the hotel,” she said.

“So, unless POTUS is willing to spend the entire flight to Manila wearing a biohazard suit, we simply cannot allow him on the plane. No way.”

NOT FOR EVERYONE: The ‘musang king’ durian

Met at the lounge, Mr Obama said that he could not resist having a go at the durians he saw by the side of the road as his entourage drove by, as ‘it brought back happy memories of his growing up years in Indonesia’.

“I was just enjoying the ride, Skyping to Michelle and the kids when I saw it — a huge, beautiful pile of Musang King durian being sold by an old Chinese fellow,” said Obama, in between chewing spearmint gum and gargling Listerine vigorously. “Suddenly my head was filled with all those sweet times I spent with my buddies in my mom’s village just outside Jakarta in 1967. Jumping into rivers buck naked and picking fresh mangoes and rambutans at Farmer Wak Djomo’s orchard. His durians were just divine. Golly, I LOVE Malaysia!

“I’m sorry if I caused a few hours of delay, but look, I’m the Chief. I just had to get me some.”

The entourage made the impromptu pit stop where the president spent about half an hour eating 3 durians before continuing on his journey. The flight to Manila is expected to resume in six hours, after getting clearance from Hazmat personnel.

The durian seller, Mr Denny Lim, 67, said that while he was initially surprised by the VIP visit to his fruit stall, he felt honoured and glad to see a durian lover rediscovering his roots.

“At first I thought I was in trouble with polis one,” said Mr Lim. “The big black cars passed by with polis bike and all, then they all stopped and reversed. These big, big white men came and surrounded me, and then this black man came, bought 2 durians, squatted beside me and started opening them. He looked like he hadn’t had durians for years, so I kesian and gave him one free. I think okay lor, we must treat tourist very nice-nice one. Visit Malaysia Year what.

“But he paid with US dollars, I said I got no change in US dollar, so he told me to keep the 100 dollars,” said Mr Lim smiling.

While Mr Lim is happy with the president’s durian indulgence, it is said that some others may not be as pleased. According to some other unverified sources, the order to quarantine the president came all the way from Washington DC — the First Lady herself.

“She was on video chat with him when he made the decision to make the durian pit stop,” said the source. “He didn’t tell her why he had to drop her call all of a sudden, but she saw his face, and she knew. She had seen it before when the First Couple visited an Asian store in Texas last year and chanced upon a pack of frozen durians.

“She made the call to the Secret Service with specific instructions to ‘not let POTUS in the plane until he gets rid of that wretched breath’, and between offending the president or pissing off his wife, we knew the better option.”

SHAH ALAM — The Selangor state government today announced the formation of more organisations that would look over water supply matters in the state, in an effort to counter the confusion amongst the people regarding the roles of the existing water authority bodies.

Speaking to reporters at his office, Mentri Besar Tan Sri Abdul Khalid Ibrahim said that the government realises that with the many different national and state agencies, firms, commissions, service departments and committees dealing with the water issue today, such as SYABAS (Syarikat Bekalan Air Selangor), PUAS (Perbadanan Urus Air Selangor), LUAS (Lembaga Urus Air Selangor), SPAN (Suruhanjaya Perkhidmatan Air Negara), Puncak Niaga, PUSPEL and perhaps several others, the rakyat may be rather confused about their functions and responsibilities.

“We admit, it’s hard to point the finger at the right organisation when facing problems such as the emergency water stoppage this weekend,” said a forlorn Khalid, cautiously and slowly sipping on a glass of water. “I mean, we in the administration also have problems trying to figure out who does what and who’s supposed to be taking care of which part of the water supply, what more the regular folks?

“And this confusion is further made worse by the tug-of-war between the Federal government and the State goverment … the different messages and propaganda you find in newspapers and portals on both sides are clouding the complicated situation even more!” said Khalid.

“As such, we’re taking the proactive measure of introducing more bodies to take care of the specific functions in the complex process. Hopefully this would simplify things and make the people happier.”

Asked to give the specific numbers and names of the new agencies, Khalid said that in total, there will be around 10 to 15 new bodies, plus minus 2 or 3 and depending on whom you ask at what time of the day and what day of the week.

“We’ll have the Kumpulan Eksesais & Latihan Air Selangor (KELAS) to train all the waterworks employees in the art of waterworking, Krew Enforsmen & Rondaan Air Selangor (KERAS) to handle all water supply and billing collection enforcement-related matters, Perbadanan Urusetia Laluan Air Selangor (PULAS) to take care of the turning on and off of water taps in the reservoirs and Team Percikan Air Selangor (TEMPIAS), who will smoothen the water pipes and canals to ensure that we don’t lose too much water from splashes and leakages.

“Of course, we’ll have our emergency response committee to deal with water disruptions, Committee for Emergency Management and Action for Selangor (CEMAS), and they will work closely with the Legal Management Affairs of Selangor (LEMAS), when things really get out of control,” said Khalid, confidently. “And we’ve also got the Pejabat Anti Negatif Air Selangor (PANAS) to handle the public and media relations, and they will be supported by the state-funded, pseudo-NGO Kumpulan Inspirasi Penduduk Awam Selangor (KIPAS), who will manage public perception.”

Khalid said that he was confident the new organisations will help the rakyat get a clear picture about the water supply issues in the state, and they would be happier with the improved service.

“The authorities I mentioned just now, along with a few others I can’t recall right now, plus some yet-to-be properly named ones, will work as one to ensure everyone gets some seriously quality water. Everyone has a job to do, and clear functions for the people to refer to.

“So no worries about hitting a brick wall or not getting any response when you need action — each of these organisations will be centrally managed by a committee that has the authority to take immediate and decisive action when needed, the Majlis Agensi-agensi & Lembaga-lembaga Air Selangor (MALAS).”

Speaking at a Press conference filled with journalists awed by his overwhelming awesomeness, Ibrahim said that his perfect, manly and chiseled figure, coupled with his stunning and flawless facial structure, made him the ideal candidate for the post.

OVERWHELMING AWESOMENESS: Ibrahim showing his hyper-awesome aura

“I don’t want to brag, but I am the obvious choice to head the ministry in charge of everything awesome in the country,” said Ibrahim confidently. “It’s natural selection.”

Oozing with greatness, the supreme leader continued, “No other leader exudes the level of perfection that I nonchalantly display. Try as they may, but they all pale in comparison. It’s not their fault, really. I’m just born this way.

“I mean, have you seen this?” he asked, flashing his ripped biceps to the pleasure of the ladies in the room and abject horror of the male reporters squirming in shame.

“Other people need to put in a lot of effort to be as outstanding, sexy and desirable but I, well, I just have to be me,” he added, his face glowing radiantly with love and magic.

Ibrahim also said that his appointment by the PM was not only due to his physical perfection, but his unparalleled substance too.

“I know it’s hard to believe, but the PM really looked past my good physical features in picking me for the job. He said to me, ‘Ibrahim, I want a cabinet that is more than skin deep, so please don’t get upset that I’m not looking at you directly when speaking to you. I don’t want to be swayed by your good looks.’

BIG RESPONSIBILITY: The new Ministry of Awesomeness

“I told him that I understood his need to have ministers with substance, and I fully respected that. Fortunately, I have unsurpassed intelligence and unchallenged moral compass, so that didn’t affect his decision to exclude physical beauty in his assessment,” said Ibrahim reflectively, as vapours eminated from his head due to his brain working beyond normal human capacity.

The handsome specimen of the perfect human being said that he would ensure that his ministry makes Malaysia more awesome.

“The target is clear, make Malaysia a High Awesomeness Nation by 2020,” he said. “The rakyat have spoken, and the message is clear: they want to live in an awesome country, where everyone can be a little awesome too. The PM had promised that we SHALL be awesome, so I will ensure this Janji gets Ditepati.

“As such, I will use my limitless super-sapien abilities and personal experience being awesome to initiate projects that will benefit everyone, regardless of race, religion, social- and economic standing as well as political affiliation,” he affirmed, tears of joy and commitment streaming down his smooth cheeks. “I will work tirelessly to ensure that we all will have perfect lives, with absolutely nothing to complain about.

KUALA LUMPUR — Phantoms, ghosts, demons and other Malaysian supernatural beings across the country today urged the government and the Election Commission to make voting easier for them this coming 13th General Elections.

Speaking at their headquarters during an awkwardly-timed Press conference past midnight, Minah Jelir, President of Persatuan Hantu Kebangsaan (PHAK), said that in light of the huge number of registered ‘pengundi hantu’, the authorities should be more sensitive to their unique needs.

“For the longest time, we feel neglected and marginalised despite the fact that we make up a good percentage of the 13 million registered voters in the country,” said Minah, an 83-year old pontianak (female vampire) dressed in a fashionably long torn white robe, with the odd blood and dirt stain or two. “But every single election season, my people find that the voting conditions are simply deplorable.”

Minah pointed how the voting period of 8am to 5pm does not consider the nocturnal nature of ghouls and demons.

“For goodness sake, which phantom in their right mind stays up in the middle of the day?” asked Minah angrily. “Our skin burns when exposed to sunlight. No amount of SPF100 sunblock can protect us while queueing for our turn to cast our votes!” she growled, before relating the unfortunate incident in 2008 in which 3 hantu rayas (a type of demon that acts as a double for a black magic practitioner) burst into flames in the hot sun in Kodiang, Kedah. “It’s no secret that the undead are only active at night, so please extend the voting hours for us. Stop being so living-centric!”

Eyes glowing with fury, Minah also raised the issue of having to bring along an identification card in order to be allowed into a voting centre.

“Look, some of us ghosts pre-date Identification Cards and Malaysian passports, okay? Hantu Galah (pole ghost) out there is over 6,000 years old,” said Minah, gesturing to a tall, thin demon hiding behind a huge tree in the HQ compound. “And like many ghosts, he’s the introvert type too scared and shy to go to the National Registration Department to get his IC made. But does that mean he doesn’t have the right to determine who governs this fair land on which we haunt?”

Minah however said the association agreed that the Malaysian general election is only for Malaysian citizens. “We at PHAK fully support the condition that only Malaysians — humans or ghouls — get to vote here, this is our country and we should have the exclusive right to pick who leads us. so Count Dracula and his expat ‘mat salleh’ minions don’t qualify, just like my Kuntilanak cousins from Indonesia. But please, find another way to identify us. Surely you have the technology to do that?”

“And what’s with the indelible ink?” asked the bloodsucker from Kuala Selangor, whose victim tally is reportedly in the hundreds. “Sure, it works on human fingers, but what about those with less-than-alive skin and brimstone-hardened talons? The silver nitrate content of the ink does not go well with our dead cells!” she said, taking a swipe at the table she was seated at, leaving a set of horrifying deep gashes on the teak wood that made several Press members faint in fear. “Frankly I don’t see the point of painting some red ink on our fingers when our entire hands are covered in blood.

JUSTICE FOR EVERY’BODY’: The Penanggalan vampire

NOT HANDS-ON: The tightly-shrouded Pocong

“Plus, you know what’s the toughest part about this indelible ink business? It totally disregards the phantom voters who can’t get their hands extended to be painted, such as the Pocong (ghost in death shroud). And where is the Penanggalan (floating vampire head) supposed to be painted with the ink? Her entrails?” said Minah, pointing towards the ghastly ghoul at the back of the room while telling her to stop feeding from the neck of a petrified Harian Metro journalist.

“The Election Commission also must address the age requirements for voters,” she added. “While the rules for the living may be clear, the EC should think about how the 21-and-above rule applies to my old-but-forever-young colleague, Toyol (child spirit used by black magic practitioners to steal). He may look like a typical 2-year old, but ladies and gentlemen, he’s been 2 for the last 150 years.”

The pontianak continued, “We want the government to introduce some comprehensive changes to enable ghosts and phantom voters to perform our civic duty in peace. We understand that you humans may not want to cast your votes amongst us — our horrid appearance may strike mortal fear in many of you, but believe me, some of us do not wish to be seen amongst the living too.

KID AT HEART: The Toyol

“So we urge EC to provide a separate venue and time for us soulless beings. A place where we can vote without causing mass hysteria or being jeered, or worse still — victimised by ghost hunters. A place where less-than-modest ghosts like Hantu Kopek (demon that suffocates her victims with her killer breasts) can do her deed without shame,” said Minah, her fangs glistening in the moonlight peering through the window.

Asked what would be the association’s hopes for the future of Malaysia, Miss Jelir said that she envisions a time where phantoms and humans can co-exist in peace and harmony.

“Yes, we may have many issues to iron out,” she said, eyes tearing from her emotions and raw exposed nerves. “Our kind may find difficulty finding alternative food sources — you living do taste good. But if we could just put all these petty issues behind us and focus on our future and the rakyat’s wellbeing, we can all be happy together.

“I’d like to see one of my kind in Parliament one day. Imagine that, a Yang Berpuaka debating on education or defence issues with a Yang Berhormat. That would be just inspiring!” said Minah, before letting out a banshee-like laughter and flying off into the cloudless night.

KUALA LUMPUR — With the general election date looming, Opposition leader Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim today said that Pakatan Rakyat’s drive to take over Putrajaya is in full swing. However, he stated that should that goal not be met, the coalition, comprising PKR, DAP and PAS, would be happy to capture Cyberjaya instead.

“We understand that with all the campaign money spent by the other side, it’s an uphill battle to wrestle Putrajaya from Barisan Nasional,” said Anwar at the campaign headquarters in Kelana Jaya to reporters. “What more with constituency demarcations and other naughty things that happen during the elections, we’ve certainly got the odds stacked against us.

“So our strategy is two-prong: should Putrajaya fail, our Plan B is to take its next-door neighbour, Cyberjaya,” he said confidently, as his lieutenants nodded in unison. “It may not be as glamorous as Putrajaya, but it has its charms.”

“Cyberjaya has some good-looking buildings and road designs. I think the Shell building, with its futuristic theme, looks awesome. And the MDeC office building — its homely atmosphere is absolutely a bliss,” he said, showing some A3-sized photos of iconic structures in the IT hub.

“Fine, Putrajaya has a big lake and a bunch of fancy bridges littering the city, but really, who needs a huge lake with bridges? And Alamanda mall? Cyberjaya’s got Street Mall, baby!” said Anwar, referring to the cluster of various stores comprising Hassan’s Cafe mamak shop, Gomez Polyclinic, Kyros Kebab, Penang Cafe and the odd sundry shop, telco distributor, art shop, print shop, laundry service and other eateries. “And with more shopping centres and office blocks coming up such as de’Pulze, Shaftsbury and Sky Park, it’s a thriving place to be seen at.”

Anwar also pointed out the difference between the Putrajaya population and the residents of Cyberjaya. “While Putrajaya may have the clean-cut family community, Cyberjaya is filled with young and energetic students, thanks to Limkokwing University of Creative Technology, Multimedia University and a few other colleges. This is not counting the young technocrats that make up the population. For goodness sake, Cyberjaya’s got TWO Starbucks within walking distance to each other!,” he enthused.

Answering a reporter’s question about what he’d do if Pakatan fails to capture even Cyberjaya, Anwar gave a firm answer, “Well, there’s always Petaling Jaya, Subang Jaya, TTDI Jaya or even Bertam Jaya, which was formerly known as Batang Berjuntai. So, there’s plenty of options for us. We’re very confident of capturing at least one of those.”