To write on cricket tha wants to watch it

A Good Feed

I wonder how James Taylor’s getting on in India. Let’s have a look at his Twitter feed-

Good to be back playing again! However 50 overs in the dirt felt a very long time! #heavylegs!Now off to the hard rock cafe for a good feed!

Hmm. I do wonder when these Bunter-ish tendencies began to set in, and I think – by studying the self-same Twitter, that we can begin to get to the root of the problem.

I believe we can trace it to the time that JT and his M8s recently spent occluded in the England Performance Centre in Loughborough (a place that we locals only speak of in hushed tones, in case we scare the children). Precisely what goes on there cannot be spoken of openly, but rumour has it that – amongst other horrors – the aspiring England players are buried up to their necks in ice (rather like the treacherous in the ninth circle of Dante’s Inferno) –

No I can’t send out for a curry

and force-fed MaxiMuscle by Andy Flower and his Grim Crew.

It’s only natural that – when they’ve made their escape – these young players should emerge craving sustenance. Twitter corroborates this. What is Taylor’s first thought before setting out for a night rescuing cats from trees with the Manchester Fire Brigade (just the thing, I’d say, to eliminate his vulnerability against late movement in the early overs of his innings) –

Out for a quick curry!! Then on call all night with manchester fire service! Wish us luck!

I also note that he has re-Tweeted a photograph taken by fellow inmate Jason Roy of the pair of them getting stuck into the Pic’n’Mix, under the rubric

But perhaps there is an alternative explanation – that this is an example of a player misunderstanding his own publicity. Yes, one feels like saying, you were described as “Lilliputian in stature but gargantuan in his appetite for runs” and as “A tiny man with an appetite for big hundreds”, but that was a metaphorical appetite, not a literal one.

Another tip to avoid this tour ending in tears – bearing in mind what transpired during the Rugby World Cup – would be to avoid any bar advertising a dwarf throwing contest.