Saturday, June 2, 2012

Clearly, the Zombie Apocalypse is upon us. Everyone is freaking out over the dude in Miami who was all sorts of hopped up on bath salts and decided to eat a homeless person's face. Obviously, this is a frightening scene, but perhaps even more frightening is the widespread panic of an ensuing Zombie invasion, similar to the smash AMC show 'The Walking Dead'. It seems that over the past few years, America has been having flings with supernatural creastures. There was that whole terrible Vampire phase a few years back, mostly due to those terrible Twilight books and movies, and everyone's undying love for Count Chocula cereal, but now we have moved on. America as a whole have dumped Vampires and moved on to bigger and dead-er things: Zombies.

The first person I knew to be scared/obsessed with Zombies was my roommate Sean "DJ Party Shark" Mottola. I can remember freshmen year he was telling me the certainty of a Zombie invasion, and I also believe he informed me that it would be wise to look up samurai swords on eBay, just incase. As most of his friends know, Sean is a true dingus, and we all figured he was just being as weird as he always is, but maybe he is on to something now. In some sad way, I actually would want to follow Sean's lead in case of a Zombie attack. Many questions now linger about this Miami Zombie thing: why a homeless person? Since when do bath salts turn people into Zombies? What are bath salts anyways? How did this homeless guy survive a Zombie attack? The most important question, however, is will this victim also become a Zombie, and if so, are we doomed as a society?

Hopefully this was a one time thing with the whole face eating thing, but who knows what will happen next. There could easily be more Zombies out there. A-list actress Kristen Stewart looks like zombie. She has mastered the true pale, definitely on zonked out on drugs, DGAF attitude that would make for a good zombie, as does Robbie Pattinson. Joan Rivers has to be a Zombie, right? I'm not going to say which of my roommates it is, but we do call one of them "Zombie Rizz" when he gets drunk, due to his awkward walk and even weirder sounds that come from his mouth. This is a scary trend as perhaps there are more zombies out there than we first imagined. Another weird factor in this whole zombie thing, is that the homeless victim went to the prestigious Stuyvesant high school in New York City. You know who else went to Stuyvesant? Beastie Boy Adam "Ad-Rock" Horovitz, as you can see from the infamous t-shirt in the ever-classic music video for "Fight For Your Right" music video. This is an odd connection due to the fact that fellow Beastie Boy Adam "MCA" Yauch unfortunately passed away (really, God? You take away MCA but not Justin Bieber?). Is there some connection between MCA's passing that made this Miami Zombie choose a Stuyvesant grad to eat? I don't know. Do you know? I don't know.

The real question here is if we should brace ourselves for some problems. Should we try to keep away from graveyards, especially on rainy days? Perhaps. Would it be wise to be listen to Sean Mottola and stock up on samurai swords and start training as if we were The Bride from the Kill Bill movie series? Yeah probably. Should we stop worrying about the whole Zombie thing and stop listening to rumors about it being a Zombie and not just some weird dude who obviously had some serious problems and was on a boatload of drugs? Definitely. I knew things were getting bad when one of my friends told us at dinner that "a guy who looked like a zombie started eating this homeless guys face". No. This is getting out of hand. When I heard this I knew immediately that America was losing it's shit about this zombie stuff. Did this guy on bath salts act like a zombie? Sure. Did he look like a zombie? No. He looked like a guy on drugs who started eating a homeless guy's face. America as a whole needs to calm down on the zombie thing. I'll start worrying about zombies when there is more than one, and when bath salts are not involved. This being said, it would be wise if we all started practicing our swordplay. Wouldn't hurt...right?

On a final note, it has hit me that this is by far the weirdest blog I've ever written about. I really need to find a job. This post-college life is really weird. Really? A zombie blog? I'm losing it.