This is the fourth of an eleven part series of a book I found at the Victory Fort Bookstore, which I am currently reading. So we will finish it together! =) I urge you to get a copy of your own*, since these summaries do not and cannot do justice to the book.

How to Build a Significant Purpose in Your Child

Children feel significant when they are regularly affirmed.

There is a cause-and-effect between encouragement and confidence. Kids who hear well-timed and well-placed affirmation from their parents are more easily convinced of the truth the Bible says about their intrinsic worth.

We must however be careful not to overly praise our children. For instead of building up their confidence, we run the risk of making our kids brittle and ready to break at the slightest gust of wind. The point being made by the author is that we should only praise when there is an actual, tangible accomplishment by our kids.

The book tells us to catch our children when they doing things right, to flash the light on the kinds of behavior you want to see more of.

Children feel significant when they know they have your attention.

What kind of attention do our children need? One that is informed.

We need to have a working knowledge of your of our children’s likes and dislikes, their friends in there the tractors, and the big things in the little things that matter most in their lives.

More often than not children are showered not with time not with attention but with material gifts. While there are certainly instances when gifts are warranted and should be given, a child needs more of your time and attention.

Your child will not be harmed in the long term (they may of course pout at the dinner table!) without the latest and greatest toy. But your child will be spiritually and emotionally starved (which will have a long term effect) without the proper guidance from and informed attention of their parents.

Children feel significant when they are gracefully admonished.

Kids with clear and responsible leadership in their lives are less susceptible to the call of the wild.

Kids need structure. I remember gasping when I saw my daughter in preschool walking to the toilet with (1) her hands clasped behind her back, and (2) walking in a straight line (well, as straight as a 4 year old can!)

I asked her teacher about why my kid had to do that, she replied with a smile, “For them to be able to follow rules and develop the ability to control their impulses.”

And the best thing was, my kid was happily humming to herself as she walked (in a straight line with her hands clasped behind her back).

* It’s available on Amazon, as an e-book and a physical book and at the Victory Fort Bookstore as a physical book.

I will be doing an eleven part book summary series of a book I am currently reading. So we will finish it together! =) I urge you to get a copy of your own*, since these summaries do not and cannot do justice to the book.

The book is divided into 11 Chapters, and I will do one blog entry per chapter:

Why Well Meaning Parenting Falls Short

The Truth Behind Grace

A Secure Love

A Significant Purpose

A Strong Hope

A Delivery System for Grace

The Freedom to Be Different

The Freedom to Be Vulnerable

The Freedom to Be Candid

The Freedom to Make Mistakes

Evening Grace

So let’s get to it shall we?

Why Well Meaning Parenting Falls Short

Dr. Kimmel tells us that how we view God partly determines how we parent our children. If you view God as a judgmental God, then you will most likely be a judgmental parent. If you view God as a one who wants you to follow rules, they you may become a legalistic parent.

Judgmental Parents

According to the book,judgmental parents are those parents of spend most of thief time making sure that their family is better than the ones around them. You would often hear from parents like these something along these lines “You may be bad, but you are better than so-and-so.”

Kids with judgmental parents often leave home with the a sense of spiritual elitism.

Legalistic Parents

One the other hand, legalistic parents are described in the book as those who spend most of their time trying to make sure that their family does everything right. You would often hear from parents like these something along these lines “You may be bad, but if you try harder, you can ultimately please God.”

Kids with judgmental parents often leave home feeling guilty.

Grace-based Parenting

The author tells us that there is a third way…being grace-based parents. Grace-based parenting is one where we transmit and share to our children the grace (defined as unmerited favor) God gives us. You would often hear from parents like these something along these lines, “You may struggle doing the right thing sometimes, but you’re forgiven.”

Grace-based parents are often keenly aware of their propensity toward sin, and this makes the grace and love they received from Christ that much more appreciated.

Kids with grace-based parents often leave home with the feeling that they know first hand what the genuine love of God looks like.

To be clear, Grace does not exclude obedience, respect, boundaries, or discipline but it does determine the climate under which these are carried out.

What are children’s inner needs?

A need for security

A need for significance

A need for strength

What should we, as parents, do in order to held our children meet these needs?

We need to give them love, purpose, and hope.

In summary, grace is not so much what we do as parents, but how we do what we do.

Would like to be a grace-based parent?

* It’s available on Amazon, as an e-book and a physical book and at the Victory Fort Bookstore as a physical book.

Charles Duhigg describes how habit can be formed and how it can be changed. He calls this the habit loop. It composed of the Cue —> Routine —> Reward.

He breaks it down like this:

Cue is some type of trigger that unfolds a set of behavior automatically. A cue can be a certain time ofday, a place, an emotion, or being with a certain group of people.

Routine is the set of behavior that is automatically unfolded because the cue happened. This can be a good routine, like walking up early and exercising, or a bad habit, like smoking when you feel stressed.

Reward is the most important part, because that is why habits exist.

If you can figure out how to change this loop, you can change your habit.

After a year and a half of not craving sweets, I had been eating cakes, cookies, ice cream and pastries.

Well, I have not been very disciplined about sleeping lately, since my daughter, E, is on a summer break. Which means I didn’t have to wake up at 5:30 am —>which means I didn’t have to be sleeping by 9:30 pm —> which means I can catch up on my Netflix and accept dinner meetings.

I purposely didn’t accept dinner meetings l when E had school because I wanted to have dinner her. But during the summer break, we had so much time together even after dinner plus her cousins was sleeping over = had non-stop playdates. I felt it was okay to get home a bit later than I normally did.

But the thing is, I still needed to wake up early for work the next day. So i have been sleep deprived for almost 2 months now, and my old habit of leaning on my mental power crutches – coffee and sugar – gave me comfort like a warm shawl when the air-conditioning is set at 17c. Based on this,

The Cue was feeling sluggish.

The Routine is eating a lot of cake and pastries to feed glucose to my tired brain.

The Reward is the feeling of alertness.

I definitely had to changethe cause of my cue — sleep deprivation. As they say in criminal law, the cause of the cause is cause of the evil caused

So I’m going to sleep now. This should remove my feeling of sluggishness, which erases the trigger for my routine of eating pastries and cake, and give me the feeling of alertness in the morning and for the whole day.