Prior to today, I was giggling wickedly, because I always enjoy watching Darwinism in action, and nothing says "natural selection" quite so much as some idiot who didn't realize that

E-mail hacking is a felony,

Doing it across state lines makes it FBI jurisdiction, and

All Vice-Presidential candidates are protected by the Secret Fucking Service.

And then I found out it was some stupid college kid, and all my wrath went right out the window. I mean, look at this guy:

What is this strange feeling, deep within my cold, shriveled heart? Is it... sympathy? Incredible, I know, but yet this is not some criminal mastermind. This is an idiot teenager with a surfeit of brains and a deficit of common sense. For some reason, I can't countenance this child going to jail over this.

I remember when I was young, and stupid. I remember doing things far stupider than this (less illegal, though.) Believe me, if it had been an adult who did this, I'd be boiling the tar and plucking chickens for feathers. But a kid? A stupid kid? For some strange reason I can't countenance him going to jail for this, because at his age, jail time will ruin the rest of his life.

But he still needs to be punished for this, oh yes, and I believe I have just the thing. Another thing I remember from being that age was how damnably important it was for me to look cool in front of people, of how the opinions of strangers often mattered more than the feelings of my own family.

So what I suggest is that we punish this child with irony. We embarrass him into pieces. Some thoughts:

For the rest of 2008, require him to wear "McCain/Palin '08" t-shirts, buttons, etc whenever he is in public.

Have him do demeaning scutwork -- say, cleaning up after ever Republican rally.

He must wear his hair up, with Tina Fey glasses, until the inauguration.

Call me an old softie, but I think this will teach the boy a lesson without destroying his future. And who knows? Maybe he'll hook up with a cute Republican girl at college.

5 comments:

Well one of your punishments will not be able to come to pass, I pray to God with all my heart. Since it would require McCain to win the Presidency. Which, all joking aside, would be the worst thing that could happen for this country. The last thing the people of the United States need is a lobbyist-star-fucker like McCain in charge when the economy is complete shit after eight years of Bush-economics. And that is not even taking into account McCain's age, and the very real possibility of Palin becoming the President.

:-p Please. If this is hacking, I'm Bill Gates. The kid was savy enough to guess Sarah Palin's secret phrase on an email account she was using to illegally send and receive emails concerning government business.

So - Palin - who has violated state regulations and national security gets to send out the FBI to arrest some teenager with two braincells to rub together for violating Yahoo's terms of use agreement.

Makes sense to me!

Meanwhile, our government is drowning people to extract false confessions in a prison camp on a military base in Communist Cuba. :-p

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