Saturday, February 12, 2011

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom makinglove to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried.'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of yourchildren! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I cantell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll bethe last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drivehome, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so downand out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into thecar.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. Shetold me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladasI made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you'reAfraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while shewas doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, soI threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that youHave had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are tootight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, whichyou don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that youdon't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought atthe expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pairthe same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so gratefulFor my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turnedto me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you haveanything else that your wife doesn't use?'

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy obeys and says,"99". The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99". Again, the old guy says, '99'."

The doctor said, “Very good”. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

Tuesday, February 08, 2011

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears. She answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.""Oh dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to the other ear?""The idiot called back!"

Sunday, February 06, 2011

A Scotsman moves to Canada , and attends his first baseball game.The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and then hits a double.Everyone is on their feet screaming 'RUN!!!'The next batter hits a single.The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers 'RUN!! RUN!!'The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans.The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by. The Umpire calls: 'Walk.'The batter starts his slow trot to first base. The Scot stands up and screams, 'RRun ye lazy bast** ard rrrrrrrrrrrun!'The people around him begin laughing.Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down. A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains, 'He can't run - he has four balls.'The Scotsman stands up and screams: 'Walk with PRIDE Laddie.'