Humor: Sharon Stone Named Suspect in Cannes Jewel Heist

Satire: This content was not produced by Variety, but we find it very funny

French police have named actress Sharon Stone as their prime suspect in the daring heist, in which more than $1.4 million in jewels were stolen from a hotel room during the Cannes Film Festival. According to authorities, they zeroed in on the “Basic Instinct” star as their prime suspect after an IMDb search helped them realize the actress hasn’t been a movie star in almost a decade, which made her attendance at the Cannes Film Festival extremely suspicious, they noted.

“Sharon Stone’s last starring role in a major theatrical release was in 2006’s ‘Basic Instinct 2,’ which should have gone to straight-to-DVD anyway,” a spokesperson for the Nice police told Hollywood & Swine. “So what possible business does Sharon Stone have attending the 2013 Cannes Film Festival other than to steal expensive jewels? No one including Ms. Stone has been able to give us a good answer.”

When French detectives brought Stone in for questioning earlier today for her alleged involvement in the jewelry theft, she immediately began reciting popular lines from her infamous interrogation scene in 1992’s “Basic Instinct.” She then tried to intimidate detectives by uncrossing her legs, but officers explained to the Oscar-nommed actress that no one has wanted to see that since the ’90s.

Stone reportedly told detectives she was at the festival to see her former co-star Michael Douglas’ new Liberace biopic, “Behind the Candelabra.” Detectives quickly dismissed this as an unlikely motive for traveling across the globe to France, when like most of America, Stone could have waited until the film premiered on HBO. Detectives believe what may help them prove Stone is responsible for the jewel heist is the actress’s long and notorious history of theft. Detectives have numerous sworn affidavits by co-stars from her brief guest-starring stint on “Law & Order: SVU,” where Stone is accused of trying to steal every scene she was in by overacting.

Cant anybody write any facts anymore? Seriously its pretty bad when we have to Snopes half of the articles from major news sources. Oh and writer, whoever you are…please leave the comedy to the comedians. If you were in “stand up”, you would be booed off the stage for that lame attempt at humor.

This article has been copied and posted all over the net and no one realizes it has The Onion type satire joke all over it? Lmao read last line of article! Its a joke! Shows how lazy “authors” are. You can pay me to copy and not read “news” too! Lol

Sad when Variety is supporting silly journalism by including this stupid article to their web page. Its a insult to the actress and readers. If I wanted TMZ or Onion journalism I would have went to their website.

This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard in a long time! Clearly the writer isn’t a big fan which is fine but let’s not be crazy here. If my friend had a movie at Cannes even if I were retired from acting or just not getting booked, I would go and see him/her. She has the money to fly to Europe so why not go, and what will she gain by being a jewel thief?