Monday, January 02, 2006

July --The Da Vinci Code movie, starring Tom Hanks, is released to great reviews. The controversial movie approaches many records at the box office. 132 million people claim that it's the best book they've ever read, while only 73 of those people actually read the book cover to cover.

Baseball hits its annual "Dog Days of Summer" time of the year when fatigue starts to set in for most players. The San Francisco Giants, who currently sit atop the National League West, feel the heat more than any team as the average age of its outfield is 40. Gatorade in the dugout is replaced with Metamucil. In related news, Congress blames Major League Baseball for the apparent rise of steroid use in American dogs.

During the All-Star game, FOX compiles a mid-year review of the 2006 season, which goes something like this: New York Yankees, Boston Red Sox. New York Yankees, Boston Red Sox. New York Yankees, Boston Red Sox. New York Yankees, Boston Red Sox. New York Yankees, Boston Red Sox. New York Yankees, Boston Red Sox.

August -- One, and only one, important thing happens this month. My wife, Lese, gives birth to our beautiful baby boy or girl. I can tell you two things: 1) If it's a boy, I have great plans for him as he has undoubtedly been listening to baseball via the headphones I put on my wife's belly beginning in April. In fact, he will probably come out of the womb swinging his umbilical cord like a fungo warmup bat. 2) If it's a girl, I very well could be the world's most hyper-protective parent. The "Take Your Eyes Off of My Daughter" look will be permanently planted on my face like the Rick Adelman "I'm at an Absolute Loss to Explain Anything that is Happening on the Court" face. I have great plans for her as well. However, since I have yet to figure out anything about the female psyche, I will have to get everything approved by my wife before putting anything in print.

September -- Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie officially announce they are married. Two days later, Pitt and Jolie officially announce they are divorced. Not a week after that, Pitt and Jolie officially announce they are attempting to work things out. Throughout the rest of the month, the country is carpet-bombed like Northern Vietnam with news of Pitt and Jolie. In fact, Access Hollywood is television's most watched show during the month. On a side note, the pace of the dumbing-down of our society escalates exponentially.

This is the picture that made Jennifer Aniston vomit uncontrollably in 2005.

The NFL season is fully underway. Houston Texan, Reggie Bush, is having a slow start to the season as Houston continues to produce the worst offensive line in football history. In fact, Steve Sabol of NFL Films is at the mid-way section of production for "Gaping Holes... for the defense," a biography of Houston's offensive linemen. It gets so bad, that David Carr loses his leg in week 2.

Pennant races heat up in the baseball world. Nightly versions of Baseball Tonight go something like this: Boston Red Sox, New York Yankees, Boston Red Sox, New York Yankees, Boston Red Sox, New York Yankees, Boston Red Sox, New York Yankees, Boston Red Sox, New York Yankees, Boston Red Sox, New York Yankees, Boston Red Sox, New York Yankees, Boston Red Sox, New York Yankees, Boston Red Sox, New York Yankees.

And finally, for a record 743rd time this season, a sportscaster talks about how Johnny Damon had to cut his hair and shave his beard to play for the Yankees.