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Topic: "You obviously don't have children." (Read 17374 times)

I have gotten this comment a lot over the years and I find it completely, unforgivably rude. In my experience, it's a PA dig at others stemming from the comment-maker's own insecurity and dissatisfaction. Unless it's part of an inside joke, for someone to make a comment like that on my wall would be grounds for an Automatic De-friending.

First, my hat's off to you, OP. You are really giving a lot and deserve every wink of sleep you can get! You're awesome!!

I agree with the PP who said you would perfectly in your rights to PM the offending "friend" and explain that he should think twice about his comments when he posts. I mean, what if he'd said that to an acquaintance who was enduring fertility issues, had a miscarriage, etc? Then it would go from thoughtless to just plain devastating.

I hate that kind of comment and really wish that people would think before they say things like that.

I am the parent of one son, (now a teen), and have also been a caretaker for two terminally ill people, one of them also elderly and with dementia. Parenting is a definite walk in the park compared to caring for the sick and or/elderly, in my opinion, but I don't think there is any need for comparison in the first place. It's not a contest. Parenting is tough, so are a lot of other things. I have also worked my job 19 hours a day, have had to travel for work when I had other stuff going on, etc. So, I am right there with you on the "obviously, you are not a parent" thing. It's rude and dismissive, and I don't know that I would want to be friends with someone who continually played the Kid Card from the bottom of the deck. On FB, I would just ignore comments like that. Not worth your time to respond to that nonsense.

A few years back our "book Study" at work was a guy that kept implying that parents were automatically better teachers because they understood the customer. I pointed out that the kids were our actual customers (parental support is fantastic, but if you don't have the kids' trust and attention you can't do anything) and that we had all been kids.

I hate "I have it worse" contests. Everyone's worse day is their worse day and it doesn't matter how it compares to your worse day.

Guess what? I had children. And they slept a long time at night--my first one slept 8 hours. EIGHT HOURS!

I think someone w/ an ill and perhaps querulous elderly parent is probably MORE exhausted than I EVER was.(OK, #2 was a preemie, and he slept only 3 hours, but while he was young, I was on leave, so I slept all day. And by the time I had to go to work, he was sleeping 6 or 7 hours.)

Actually, the whole, "oh, I have it worse than you!" thing is tiresome.

I think we should all start a Facebook movement to simply delete those sorts of posts whenever someone makes them on our walls or in response to our threads.

If he'd said, "I know what you mean--when my kids were little I thought I was a zombie!" you would probably not have been irritated. It's not even the parenting thing--it's the whole "can you top this!" tactic.

One of my co-workers did that to me, once. We were talking about a bonus we were supposed to get at work, but it didn't get approved. I made a comment about how that extra money would have been nice. Another co-worker said "yeah, well, you don't have kids to pay for, so it's not as big a deal to you to miss out on it" and another co-worker agreed with her. I told her "no, I just have a terminally ill mother who I am partially financially responsible for. Don't tell me I don't need the money like some of you do just because I don't have kids."

The "you don't have kids so you don't understand" line gets really, really old.

ooh. Yet another one of my pet peeves. While I'm single, have no kids, and am responsible for no one but myself, I have 2 jobs. 6 days/approx. 60 hours a week. the rest of my free time is spent cleaning my apt, running errands, laundry etc etc etc. so please don't patronize me by telling me I can't be tired since I don't have kids. i can't promise my response would be e-hell approved!

Interestingly all my close female friends are childless or childfree. Not like it's a requirement, just it's turned out that way is all. I'd never say this to any of them or in any way dream of implying that I'm better than them or have it harder cause I have kids, cause I know it's not true. If anything honestly I've probably got it the easiest.

Logged

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

I was gonna list all my causes of sleeplessness. But, no. Why bother? We've all got one or more of those reasons. The point, I agree, is that to say "You obviously have no children" is horribly dismissive, and life is too damned short to put up with people who think it's just fine to say things like that... Hide or block them, post haste! Don't give them brain space in your head, they aren't worth it.

I have silly reasons for not sleeping (the cats), I have serious reasons for not sleeping (mom, DH, minor pain) but really - who cares? I have to function in my day and in my job (once I get another one...) and my reasons for not being able to function, or for whining don't really matter to the people who will work with me - they need me to do my job properly, and to the fullest extent. End of story. Nobody really wants to listen to another person whine about Their Pitiful Life.

Yes, we get it, parents of young children often have their sleep interrupted. And we get that parenting is a huge amount of work. But do they get how tiresome the "You obviously don't have children" phrase is, whenever anyone without children mentions sleep, being tired, etc etc?

BG: I have been really exhausted lately. Looking after elderly parent (and yes, I am often woken up in the night with his needs). A million appointments, errands on his behalf, meals, haven't had a weekend to myself (or even a full day for that matter) in months, plus I'm trying to balance this with a new job and getting some of my own administrative needs attended to. I have also been waking up too early and never feel fully rested after a night's sleep.

So last night for some reason I got a REALLY good sleep, and posted something about it on Facebook. Immediately a parent (who doesn't know anything about my situation other than I don't have children) chimed in, "You obviously don't have children."

Now I really don't hold this against him as he didn't mean any harm and was perhaps just expressing envy that anyone can get a good night's sleep ever, but honestly, I've heard that one before, and it's getting old. The other one is when you mention being tired, and someone always chimes in that you can't possibly know what tired is until you've had children.

(By the way, my friend who is balancing children with several very elderly people plus a relative in a mental institution - I don't know how she does it - states that her children are a breeze compared to the demands of the old people).

Also, it's a good thing I'm not upset about not having children. A great many women my age are, and that kind of comment would be even more tiresome in that case.

Aren't non-parents allowed to be tired? And would it have been rude to reply with something like, "No, but just wait until your parents get old and dependent on you." ?

I'd be tempted to write: "You're right, John. I'm infertile. Thanks for reminding me." It might make him think first next time.

If I were you, I wouldn't bother justifying myself to this person or otherwise explaining why your tiredness is actually valid. I don't know why so many people must make a contest out of everything, or belittle what others go through because it is different than their own circumstances.

Some kids sleep well, some kids don't (and my 3 yo still wakes up at night). Some parents are tired, some aren't. Some people have kids, others don't... however, I assume people are capable of empathy which should give them the ability to somewhat put themselves in someone else's shoes!

Sure, this person doesn't know you well enough to know about the fact that you care for an elderly parent... but this just means the comment is that much more out of place! Even if you weren't caring for someone with ailing health, you would still be entitled to be tired and celebrate a rare night of good sleep!

In a similar vein, I'm a parent and I get upset when people get all "Oh, but you have kids so you must get *whatever perks*.". Yeah, I have successfully reproduced... I don't think it should entitle me to skip lines, arrive late at appointments, make messes at restaurants, etc.

I had been lucky enough, before having children, not to have any situation where I couldn't get enough rest, and a first baby who seemed to need about 15 minutes of sleep a day. (It definitely seemed like that at the time). I thought I was going completely mad with lack of sleep, and I completely understand now why sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture!

So I have occasionally made a comment that I had never understood tiredness until I had children, but I hope no-one has taken that to be a slight on them.

I had been lucky enough, before having children, not to have any situation where I couldn't get enough rest, and a first baby who seemed to need about 15 minutes of sleep a day. (It definitely seemed like that at the time). I thought I was going completely mad with lack of sleep, and I completely understand now why sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture!

So I have occasionally made a comment that I had never understood tiredness until I had children, but I hope no-one has taken that to be a slight on them.

As long as you made that comment on your wall and not someone else's I can't imagine anyone having a problem with it.