More than a day had passed since the Hyperion had escaped the nebula, and with the new crystals installed the warp core was purring like a tribble again thanks to the lovely work of his very capable engineers....he had decided to leave the Bridge to Rojer today, taking some time to reflect and work on his report on what had occurred in that gas cloud. Not that he had any idea, but his report was ready for Hill. Part of him wanted to throw it in her face, blaming her for putting his crew into danger but there was no way this was her doing no matter how much he wanted to pin this on her.

He had retired early today, deciding to use the food station in his quarters for once...he hadn't had a reason to use it for a long time. Usually he would have Chef prepare him a meal but tonight he wanted to be alone. And it dawned on him now that he sat in his living room, alone at the large table. Just how alone he was.

"Help me Jonathan"

He guided a piece of pan fried salmon into his mouth and chewed, barely registering the taste....he never realized how large his quarters were. Mostly because he didn't spend much time here. Most of his stuff was in storage with his parents after the loss of the Scimitar. He had never planned to take command of this ship, and it had all happened so fast that he had never gone back for his belongings. Never seen his parents after taking command of the Hyperion.

Not that they wanted much to do with him. Andreas' death had been a tragedy, and they didn't blame him. How could they? He was no where near his nephew but the loss was great. Starfleet had taken their grandson. Starfleet had taken much from this family.

He cut a piece of potato in two with his fork and dragged it over the hollandaise sauce slowly before biting into it. He used to love this course.

He had made it the last time Rojer and Jo had come over for dinner. When was that? Seven months ago....eight?

He reached for the bottle of beer and took a long sip. At least the beer tasted good.

He didn't blame Rojer. He had his husband. And Jo....Jo hadn't forgiven him for what happened on Sigma Rho. Or for placing her back on full tactical duty after her short stint as Second officer. Perhaps she never would.

"Jonathan please"

Maybe the real reason for not going back for his belongings on Earth was that there was a box there with Eva's stuff. And he couldn't open it alone.

Jonathan poured himself another glass of rum, the bottle now near empty as he slumped forward on his desk, one hand under his chin as he read from the monitor on his desk. Almost eleven thousand died that day at Wolf 359. He had just been a teenager when it had happened. He remembered the alarms, the armed officers flooding the streets as Earth was put on alert. No one knew what the Borg were then. Starfleet had sat on the information up to that point, hoping that this menace so far away from our part of the galaxy would never reach the Federation. They had been wrong.

For a long while the Borg had not been a large threat to the alpha and beta quadrants, not since the destruction of the transwarp hub and the suspected collapse of the hive. There had been sightings, lone scout ships. No major threat. Not that lives hadn't been lost. The Borg were always a threat, even in small numbers. But Starfleed has adapted. But the Federation would never forget.

The sight of them sent chills down your spine. Flooded your system with adrenaline. Made you run.

He had come across them once before. It was one of his worst days.

He emptied the glass and grabbed the bottle again, emptying its contents into his glass. Sara Sumner had been there to stop him.

He closed his eyes, thinking back to that day on the Scimitar. Ordering the Doctor to step away from that drone they had rescued and brought back to the ship. Grabbing the rifle and shooting the thing straight in the chest, burning a hole right through its torso. It had been human once, a Starfleet insignia visible under it's adaptive coating.

Sara had stepped in and stopped him from killing it. Grabbing the rifle from his grip and striking him across the face. It was a moment he was not proud of. They had managed to disable its subspace transponder and put it under. Delivered it to Starfleet medical.

He had never looked back, tried to find out what happened to that thing. He could not look back out of shame.

Because he feared them. And he would do it all over again.

He wasn't proud of it, he wasn't proud of much he had done in the line of duty. And maybe that's why he hated Hill. Because she reminded her of himself.

He emptied the glass again in a long sip, savoring the last of his rum from simpler days and headed for the ready room sofa. It was time to sleep.