Sunday, March 20, 2011

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

So I have been talking for awhile now . . . I just haven't had the energy to blog until now :)My mouth has healed up. Yay! Now I just need to keep all my food down - and I'll be doing good! And that part is getting better too.

Through the past few weeks I have found the following especially helpful:

1. Listening to beautiful music2. Drinking fresh air3. Making a bed on the porch and staying there all afternoon until twilight wakes the owls.4. Jennie's cooking5. Silk DHA omega-3 soymilk - the only food I can always get down :)6. Hugs!7. Listening to sermons by Pastor Shane8. Counting blessings!9. Reading books by Helen Hoover (The Gift of the Deer is my favorite)10. Encouragement of family and friends

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

One of the common side effects of chemo is mouth soreness. It is currently my only lingering symptom from the second round of chemo. Gratefully, both my roommate and sister know me so well that most of my grunts, facial expressions, and improvised sign language are generally understood. Even brief phone conversations with them consisting on my part of only mms... and hmms tweaked with a variety of tonalities have been successful!

However, after several days of not talking I've been really missing the simple ability of verbal communication. Just to speak a complete sentence again without pain will be wonderful! I've taken to pulling up a blank word document and typing my half of the conversation in it for any conversational needs of length.

It surprised me how half of a conversation could so quickly fill several pages. It can take on a nonsensical appearance quickly - especially if talking to two people at once.

All these words in our lives. The river of daily chatter. Most of it not worthy of archiving yet important for relationships and necessary for getting anything accomplished together.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

"What do you think I am - an invalid?" Thrusting my feet down I forced the wheelchair to an abrupt halt, "I can walk just fine. My blood pressure would have to be lower than 88/60 for me to pass out. Trust me!"

"Caitlin! The nurse said you have to!"

"I'm going to walk." I snapped, gathering up my water bottle, purse, and orders for IV fluids. I stepped to the side and headed for the entrance. Shaila in a puddle of exasperation.

"Are you done with that wheelchair?" I heard a grandmotherly woman sweetly ask. Shaila nodded resignedly and turned to follow me.

"You're just like Papa!" She fumed, referring to my grandfathers' legendary obstinacy, "And I don't mean that to be a compliment!"

Ignoring her comment I trudge to the low wall outside the drop off for the cancer center and sit down, suddenly cold from the wind and weaker then I would admit. I knew I needed to budget energy for walking into the infusion center on the other side of the hospital.

"You can just pick me up when you drive by."

And I shivered grace-less. Sick. Stubborn. Rude... Again.

And I sat on cold stone and spat truth at myself. Each time I journey into grace to learn His footsteps I circle back to the same spot of ungratefulness. Hurting those I love the most and barricading myself with pretended self sufficiency.

Forgive me, for I know what I am doing. It is not what I want - nor His wish either.

But this I still seek: to "grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." 2 Peter 3:18

Welcome - I'm glad you're here!

Surviving Cancer

I was diagnosed with adenocarcinoma of the esophagus in January 2011. A exceedingly rare occurrence for someone of my age and health. God has already worked miracles for me to still be here. I trust God - life or death - I love Him!

Update: August 2012 a PET/CT scan showed metastasis to bilateral lungs and multiple lymph nodes. The oncologist said 6-12 months. I have chosen to pursue natural / alternative therapy options instead of more chemo.

Thank you for your prayers and support!

Wisteria

A flowering vine with heavenly scented flowers. This what I want the music of my life to sound like.