Take good care of Sandra tomorrow and keep her little tootsies heading in the right direction.

Thankyou for your ongoing support. You are a wise lady with good insight and a heart of gold.

If you take the letters from S A N D R A move them around a bit and change a few it spells S U P E R B which is what you are. Take care and when you go to bed tuesday night be gamble free and proud of who you are...stephen x

It's very moving how compassion has poured out during this bad weather. In my part of the world, people have been getting supplies for the elderly in their 4x4s and nurses have slept overnight in the hospital so they can be there to care for their patients the next day. Beautiful!

Hi SB great post especially about your pet they are our babies aren’t they. I love Jazzy so very much maybe even more than my husband lol they gives us so much joy and unconditional love every facet of Jazzy character I adore. Wish you best in moving on from your job I can totally relate to feeling trapped. Change is good for us helps us grow and learn after all I believe that’s what we are here for to keep growing and learning. Bestest wishes SB x Lulu

I think stopping gambling has made me admit to myself that my work is one of the areas im not happy with too. I was just going along with a lot of things not even asking questions of anything in my life before i started to look at myself with regards to my addiction. I think recovery forces us to question almost everything of oursleves and the life we live/d.

I know what you say about not always trying new things but i think our lives actually do really change a lot over the years. Reminds me of the quote by C.S Lewis “Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different?”

Hopefully our futures are different in many positive ways as we continue our recoveries.

Just a few days late to celebrate my 5 years anniversary on these pages...second home as i call it. 5 years of joy, tears, lessons and magic this site has offered. Every single experience has been so worth it!..so thank you!

So where I am now? I can honestly say I am surrounded by light and peace. Something I didn't think was possible for this soul. So many avenues and roads threaded to find it and all I had to do is look inside myself and let universe do it's thing. Blessings keeps coming every day. ..and man, I am greatful for them!

Am just over 100 days of g free. That is a blessing itself ☺. I am healthy and have loving family around me. I seemed to live in denial for a long while...but, every sunrise keeps bringing acceptance along.

I live my dream life. In no way perfect but still magically awesome.

Beautiful house, Beautiful girl & amazing new start with my dream job which is already putting a right spin for my self growth. However most important thing in all this is inner peace, self love and self care. Why? Because it all starts from within.

Urges are extremelly low and far in between. My every spare minute is spent for mindfulness, meditation and connecting with the universe. Something higher than myself. It's not a cure but it works and so why I shouldn't do what is working?

I wish you all peace and love. The answers lies within...simple as, nobody else can open these door but you.

Last note before signing out. No matter how difficult you find the present, never ever give up hope and please know - the best is yet to come. It truly is as challenges in life are given for a reason. They are an opportunity to see the greater good. Go & get it. Ypu can overcome any hurdle in yoir way. You got it in you ❤

Hello San...Pleased to see that you are experiencing joy, peace and contentment in your life. I enjoyed reading your posts.

When I visit the art gallery I always enjoy a few minutes looking at a painting called "The Muckraker." An angel is offering him all the glory of the universe but he is only concerned with rummaging for trinkets and brightly coloured baubles. I think we are all a bit like that. Our lives may be full of opportunity, adventures and fun but we waste so much precious time hankering after things we don't really need.

I loved these words from your post of 31/5/18: "The answer lies within ...simple as, nobody can open these doors but you."

Very profound, thought provoking and most likely the truest words I shall ever read. It must be lovely to be at peace with one's self, to have understanding and know how to address inner conflict.

Why is that, when straightforward life looks complicated in your eyes? What do you see? How do yoi pereive your feelings? Sharing love but so so aftraid of rejection. How long will you be fearing it? When will you trust YOURSELF and accept that it all has been planned out for you already? Fear is vulnerability, a space you create yourself. You ARE loved, you are connected, you are universe...

You have made a massive step in changing your life. Your routine and overall perception of the world. Stick to it. It's scary and unfair sometimes but as always, darkness leaves the picture inviting light in. Take it - you're worth it!

What a amazing day for you today. I am very proud of you. Truly am. You keep moving to the direction you have chosen. You're creating your future. What else could be more motivating to greet another day with smile?

Love. What a tough stuff. Why tough? Why do you see it tough to open up and let it shine. Spread all over the world. You have too much to give. Is it time to let it all out? Can you balance tough studies creating your future with overwhelming feeling about the person you think of daily. Can you do both to the best of your ability? Of course you can. Its not even that complicated..Fear is in your way. Fear of failure and rejection. Why are you fearing love? It won't hurt if you be open and honest each and every day. If it's meant to be - it will...& you know already - all has been figured out for you. So many years of confusion unravelled in fashion of one soul. Just like that...when darkness starts moving away it also opens you to vulnerability. Your feelings, your emotions, your worth...your past. Love has only one language and everyone can understand it. No religion, age, sex, beliefs or race can stop it. All these goes out of the picture when this takes place...this is the beauty of life.

Don't fear it no more. You're here and now. ...and you can be so much more than that reflection in the mirror tells you sometimes. You can and you ARE.

Heart is racing and yoir being comes alive. This is what I call beautiful sense of being and being able to express yourself. Giving yoirself away for another human being & to the world accordingly. Your soul, heart and body. Accept it little one...accept tgat changes are happening in you and you are finally coming out of darkness of who you are. It is a sense of liberation...yoir freedom...dont fear it no more. It is happening...now!

Bought a computer the other day. No blocks on it. Relapse possible if you will fail to balance your emotions going forward. Actions will have to take place soon. Common sense, your goal and future will help you to make the right choice.

My lovely friend - once again, I couldn't be more prouder of your achievements. Let that heart smile, it goes perfectly in sync with your life now.

Another day another dollar huh. Interesting week so far but today was remarkable in a way. Had a presentation from the public huh..It was so touching! Recovering addict. Seen so much pain and hurt throughout her life...yet, still standing and keeping head high telling the story of her life..why? To share!..to tell the world that life can indeed be a better place with positive coping mechanisms in place and support alongside. Your heart cried didn't it...yes it did....and eyes sparkled with pride and encouragement..yes...why?...because the soul was speaking out to you..an addict in recovery to an addict in recovery...such a beautiful invisible bond to have, there and then...maybe meant to be, a reminder for you of how far you already come and how much further you can go...only if you're willing to!

Really educative day.

Back to love subject. So what you want to do? Your heart screams out for togetherness yet brain keeps slowing you down so you don't fall head over heels. Are you in love or is it a crush....smile...you know lol....you know...lol. Make the right decision for once, allow yourself happiness. Because simple as that - it will radiate all over the world. Even lil pond won't stop the force you have within...shine that energy & light, shade it freely!

First nice and steady breaths, calm that racing heart and mind down. It's done. You cannot change it. Better dig deeper to find the reason why you acted like you did. It's easy to blame stress..you have been so stressed from the beggining of this year and didn't give in..so what is it? Tiredness?..yes you have been tired over last month...overload? Yes, but it comes with your duties....it all has been your choice..eat yoir words now, act as you should..profesionally..

There are no excuses. If you look at it from other angle...you would see...its ADDICTION. no way you will run away from it, - ever.

The thing what worries me the most is...there is so much more to come. Can you handle it? Not look for escape? Can you? Can you do it by yourself?.

Somebody loves you deeply. Don't let the person down. Don't become a ****** you usualy are after these episodes. Someone gave their heart & soul to you..think about it..

No beating yourself up as you know thatbit escalates to beating the world. You're NOT that person anymore..

Great post San. Very thought provoking and I imagine the sentiments resonate with others beside myself.

Take care to be kind and considerate to yourself, the planet and all the sentient beings who call it home.

I hope the angels and holy beings shine down on you today and everyday. I try to imagine the Buddha Tara is there to guide me on this journey and I enjoy reciting the Buddhist Mantras silently in my mind when thoughts start to stray or if I feel threatened by unwanted thoughts and emotions. I particularly enjoy listening to Tina Turner on youtube chanting the Nam Myoho Renge Kyo mantra....stephen x

Just coming by. Once again to tell you how much I love you! I thought about the rucksack you carrying with you. Doesn't it feel nice when you drop those stones one by one on your journey? Feeling it getting lighter on your back, more comfortable, Not as pressing. If you look back - you could build a path out of them huh! Such a journey. I am absolutely astonished about your energy and strengh. You keep proving yourself that there is more to this spirit of yours!

Heart which just don't stop pumping that blood..pushing on...reaping the rewards.

It's like the sun you see emerging from the horizon each morning. Higher and brighter..the view you can't express in words..you have to feel it! Once upon a time you lived in darkness .what can you say about it now? ..yes, you may get up at the third ring of the alarm but when you rise - you rise for the world!..strong and confident, eager to see what the day has got for you ...ya see..i like that, I like that fire in you...that love you found for yourself and world around you. You are calm and free soul. Maybe old soul but that is just an asset huh ;-)

On Monday you felt so so tired and exhausted...on Tuesday you still rose for the day..in pain and agony..you still did it!! Wednesday has reached a peak huh..but you still rose ignoring aches and discomfort. Thursday was a D day...and you smashed it out of the court like no tomorrow! You simply surpassed your own expectations...you did it little one! How did it feel? Awesome huh...that feeling of accomplishment through broken body and a touch of broken confidence..you powered through. You are a machine! Lol

Ya know..i love you. I am proud of you and I respect you..all of you..mistakes and dark times, you just never give up. And that's what brings your personality out - the love for life!..love for the new found life..live it lil one, enjoy it, tackle it and accept it's weird ways of teaching you lessons. All in all, those are the most important in your journey.

Happy to hear that you are learning self love and acceptance. That is a big step. You are right words written or typed are not enough to convey the emotion and intent behind. I really hope you are getting some face to face support on your journey. Support and accountability are important!

My son ended up in a treatment center (after another rock-bottom) and we (his family) had taken away every other option (no money, no coming home to live, no more "loans" until payday). It was the best thing that has happened to him and us. He had also developed a drinking addiction over the last few years. The facility he went to was very 12 step based and he finally was ready to surrender. He came home and you can just see and feel the difference. He actually has chosen to attend AA meetings for now as he feels it is more structured. He has a sponsor and goes to 6 meetings a week.

I continue to go to Gam Anon and keep trying to improve myself. I don't know if that feeling of worrying about a relapse will ever disappear but it does seem to be taking up less and less space in my head so that is a definite improvement.

Please keep working on recovery Sandra. I know it's such a difficult road but you are so worth it.

What a messed up head recently huh. I still find it strange how you "feel" it coming and reaching momentum as a pressure cooker and you let it explode. Wondering about same old question " can a person change"?

So yesterday you dropped the ball..not only dropped it but run away from the court and hid like a little child not wanting to take responsibility. overthinking! Your main issue, always have been. When you make elephant issue out of ant circumstances.

Ok, so some highs usually follows the dip. Not even sure you should expect balance at this point, a lot of things are out of sync around you..just keep holding on.

Recap. Went to work. How did you feel at that time? Nervous? Yes. Why? There is not so much competition going on as each of us work individually on our goals so stop seing this as you need to be "perfect" or reach everyone's standards. We all learn in different time scale...maybe cause we are all different? Worth a thought huh.

Setting the mindset. Why you cut it sharply all the time? Why you manage to put yourself in the position where darkness takes over and you just block your view out?...not to bollo*ck you here because I do love you anyway, but your actions didn't help anyone yesterday. Not to you, not your Dad or colleagues.

A little stressful time and you're running away almost downloading applications for a new job! WTF was that about? You have come so far and to be fair, it's not that if you weren't told about challenges and " risks" this brings. You will fail and you will break at some point. So what it happened to be at this stage where it is only beggining? It happened and so accept it...maybe rather now than later when waiting for steam start coming through your ears?..or just maybe another 10 breakdowns awaits but again, you're you and a little change in your mindset is needed. More patience and calm head on...You CAN do this!

So speaking to your superiors. I may give you that. That's what you were told to begin with anyway. Showing vulnerability?..hmmmm..maybe or maybe not. Having 18hrs out of the 24 to stay behind computer screen or books is not walk in the park. Time management? Hmmm..you could manage it better but again, I understand that you want to fill your head with as much as you can. Must be careful tho..then there is no more space for knowledge, you just maybe need a good break from it.

I'm also a little torn about your decision to share it with your colleague. A risk taken for the whole building to start pitting you however I understand the need to share when you feel how you feel. After all, support came in all different angles...come in early to go through notes, stay behind to jug the memory and knowledge. If i were you, I would do that. Two heads are better than one and what you perceive as understanding may come out in different concept from the other. It can only do good to you and it's all about doing good stuff and taking care of yourself huh. Besides, your colleagues only show their concern and will to help. It's team effort...over and over again, you need to get used to this idea - you're not alone in this and you d9nt know how other's feels. Its two way street and I am sure all the parties can take a lot out of this.

Now, why you backed off from talking to the Netline advisor last night? It's not big deal if they want to ask your postcode..it's for helping them to help you better. So what that your file has probably 100 pages of same old same old on it. You are a individual who extremely struggled in the past and so you will still have these dips now and again..talk about them, dont shy away. The service has helped you to get where you are..take some more! Accept support!

Now all this baggage off your chest, How do you feel? ..still a little bahhh huh...well, you best pull your big girlie' s pants on because in a few hours you will be sitting in that room, you will be the centre of attention (you so hate) and you will have to do what you have to do. It's for your own good! It's a learning curve. Make mistakes, ..rather now than later..

For now..maybe gym huh? Good stuff it's open 24/7 but again,..not enough time huh..girlie stuff with washing hair, drying and probs straightening knowing you lol..too complicated? Well..only if you set your mind like that!

Just after 04:34, still dark outside so I guess walk in the forest is not the most wise option at this time. Maybe another coffee and meditation? You know it helps you to calm down. Do it, allow yourself thise 20mins of your day! Connect! Take peace in.

I dont need to tell you how great you're doing! You just need to calm down, look ahead, believe in yourself and tackle those obstacles one by one. You're not alone, you can do this and I am proud of you!

Bring that confidence back in you lil one, you got this - you truly do!

So 8hrs drive is worth peace this piece of heaven brings! You so so deserve a break and have your feet up!..you have the best man in the whole world with you who has been there for you since birth, a girl you love to pieces and family who loves you dearly.

I'm proud of you little one..you try my leave me with not much to say except - keep believing and keep showing love to you...you're changing and the world is changing with you!

Struggling recently huh...I really don't know how to help you but as always, i know you will push through this.

Cry if you feel like it. Get it all out. Let sorrows leave your mind step by step. Nothing bad is happening. You're here and now. Maybe a little stressed but you're doing really well...again, you surprised me today. You reached out for help when the only way forward was to step in into that gambling establishment at services. You made the right choice and that is worth smiling for.

Just another day little one...just another day so keep on pushing. You're never alone - I got you and the whole universe has you.

Life is full of ups and downs and as you learned today, urges will hit you hard. This is addiction, it has found place in you...it will not leave but as long as you keep common sense and make the right choice each hour of the day, you will be fine.

Over 5 years on this site letting peiple in and out of your life. Continued learning curves, smiles, laughs and tears. And now you come to this. ...so so much more comfortable in your own skin human being. More understanding and accepting.

Balance...Balance within yourself has always been a key you always to missed. You just couldn't figure it out. All or nothing. No matter how much you tried to convince yourself (& others) you just couldn't get it. Too little or too much, here I am and here i'm gone. Pushing people away and begging them to come back..cycle after cycle.

I cannot explain your behaviour nor back off your choices. It was complete madness not knowing what to do or say or direction to take. Always lost and always expecting something from ypurself and others.

Let me tell you - you always had what is missing. You had you and your life. You just was lost. You wasn't happy with your lot and automatically spread it around.

Not many souls stayed by your and not many believed in you for possibility of change or even wanting to change. Not many had the nerve which is very important and you must ask the question - did you? Did you have enough patience for yourself?

You didn't believe in yourself. You just dug deeper hole..one shovel out and two back in. ..learn, lapse, try something new, lapse. Where was the love/care for you? Crucial part in your recovery. You have never ever let the hurt go..never. you never admitted that you hurt deep down and that you don't see light ahead.

..but things took turn. Just like that. Yes, you had to get to that scary dark place where nothing else mattered, where deleting your life seemed to be the only way forward. Where hate and hurt towards yourself took over completely...where you reached the place when GC had to contact you personally to check on your wellbeing as duty of care. Just how bad things got then? Just how scared you were for yourself and made other's feel the same way?..just how crazy it all has been.

And yet..look at you now! How this happened? How did you manage to come the other side? What is going on? Why are you calm and content with yourself and why you show love to yourself? Is it a miracle? Is it temporary?..what is it???!!

I just hope you know how much I am proud of you. How much I forgive you for the mistakes you made, how peaceful I feel seing where you're now....living. ....just living the life you deserve..not perfect but calm and balanced out. You're almost walking the walk...on your own terms but as they say -you have to do what helps you.

Tomorrow is a miracle. One and only person to stick by you all this time (after pushes, silent treatments, pain and probably disappointment you inflicted) is here and still willing you on. Person you grown to call your sister...with no secrets and only honesty present.

How blessed you feel now? Just how amazing all this is!

Thank you GamCare for this opportunity at life, recovery and lessons little one has learned . Thank you for opportunity to meet so many lovely souls which will never be forgotten and ...THANK YOU for tomorrow...best day to come because the respect, care and love for the soul is the biggest imaginable in this world.

You're content and lead your life to the right direction..all little miracles are icing on the cake! You're blessed ...you truly are.

It shows how truly vulnerable you are when faced with set backs...and it's truly sad because I don't know how to help you.

It's not gambling or drink..it's the feeling. ..painful emotion of letting yourself down. It's not even overconfidence, you have never been confident but little sparks here and there kept you firing up for life and the possibilities it brings.

Where do you still go wrong?

Is it acceptance? Good bad and ugly? Challenges will continue to come your way and you're not a quitter...this sentence rips you apart huh because when you feel the feeling you do, it makes your blood boil, wanting to scream, shout and go a little mental with the world chucking your toys iut of pram...all the time knowing that you will still carry on...lol..you have to and you always do..you dont even see it as strenght, its just a natural course of life for you.

I wish it was easier for you but it isn't. You do need to realise that there is and will be ups and downs and how you deal with them will help you on a way ahead.

I don't want you to cry. It will not solve anything and only will give you puffy eyes in the morning. Gotta look after your looks huh lol...

Positives. Amazing amazing holiday! Best you ever had. So many memories created and beautiful time had. It is still within you...soul in awe of what an amazing feeling can simple every day life bring. ..no..it wasn't every day events...they were special - a miracle!

You can do anything you set your mind/ heart to...when will you realise that?

Ok..Failure is failure. You could of done more to prepare but you didn't. Dust yourself down and start again. You CAN do this! Not first time...so second. You hardly ever get things right from the word GO anyway so show yourself some kindness!

You have you S...and universe still weirdly holds you up and encourages you to carry on.

Life is life,take the good out of it and learn from the bad.

A lecture but lecture from deep love and care...because YOU are worth it.

See if you can pause for a moment to catch the thoughts ping ponging around in your mind. See if you can observe them for what they are, just stories you’ve told yourself a thousand times until you believed them. Negative thoughts or complaints come from the ego. Observe them, don’t attach yourself to them, and simply let them pass by. The stories in your mind become the story of your life. Observe them and make sure they’re in alignment with what you’re trying to create. You are not the voice inside your head. You are simply the one who is aware of it.

Only one thing from this weekend to reflect and be greatful for! LIFE!

I do think you're blessed and somebody up there wants you around.

Just reading the facts that head on collision at 60mph only gives 10% of survival.

Taking in consideraction that avoiding other 90% and still being able to breathe fresh air,walk, use limbs and fully function physically and mentally is a blessing! You may not have halo over your head but...little one..things happens for a reason so keep making the most out of life.

Just a quick one as time is pressing these days no matter how much you would love to slow it down.

There should always be time for self love and care. ..so I am here, to remind you that you're doing just well. You will be fine and there is million reasons why you started this and only handful of why you would even consider giving up..giving up is also not in your vocabulary.

" when times gets tough - remember why you started". Head held high my brave heart, go get em!

I know you still hurt hearing the news about your old work colleague passing yesterday. RIP dear N. ...such is life and such is it's rules. Remember good times you both spent chatting away, the encouragement and support you provided to each other which only strengthened the team all around... he is free of pain now and even if it's so so wrong to go at this age...he is free and resting in peace.

I would also encourage you to look at positives of yesterday. The feeling of calm..like a blanket your little girl brings over. Never forget how much love you have for her and vice versa. Together you find strenght, love, acceptance and kindness...she is your little angel and there is no doubt about it.

Much love lil one..you're Good enough and all this is happening for a reason. Embrace it. Universe got you.

Funny that...(nothing funny when woman says "funny that" as right tirade will follow), that when week of hell finishes, you keep you job and feeling a little pride in yourself...a rational side of the brain says " go and put tv on...chill", another busy piece of brain follows with " open that book and study some more" and there is that FOOKITALL one which whispers " go on, just a little flutter".

You sat here thinking about your options. ..blocks in place, in order for a "flutter" you need to get yourself out to bookies...that means leaving your angel behind, ...more stress on your shoulders and most definitely journey back with head down, empty pocket, embarrassment and sled beating for weeks to come....hmmmmmm...

Choices huh..

All I can say, no matter how you feel now, i want you to remember early this morning..drive to work...music on...volume going up steadily, heart beat quickening and that not so perfect pitch voice following the song you ...learned to love. ..remember this morning, the smile and silliness you wlfelt inside in case drivers sees you belting words out..remember the peace and happiness you felt, ..fulfilment with yourself..

Remember that, because this morning you had no care in a world. You had a beautiful state of mind of happiness and pride...and extra cash in your pocket as your hard grind all last month paid off eventually...remember that.

Honestly hope everyone is ok and would be lovely to catch up with you in a chat!!

Soiooo...you! Naughty girl huh. Gambled, almost died( not gambling related)..bounced back to life and now kicking 110% out of it. Very tough few weeks but you're here and enjoying your days to the best of your ability.

're tech issues. I am kind of proud of you for diving in head on trying to understand it all and eventually even your patience paid off. Keys handed back to second home! a bliss and a blessing!

Thank you all GC staff for listening to my rambles, taking feedback on and trying your best to solve the issues out and keep forum at peace to the best of your ability. Also thanks to CEO for informative and clear explanation about the situation and how organisation operates. Respect to you all.