Beowulf

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Transcript of Beowulf

Beowulf- what really happened.I am Beowulf- hero of Geats. And I am here to prove the Anglo- Saxon tabloids wrong.Bow before me mortals,It is I, Grendel, the mostmonstrous monster of allmonstrosity. And here's my way of telling you that theAnglo-Saxon tabloids got it all wrong.Here's how it started. So there's me,just doing what monsters do, hoardingtreasure, mauling civilians. Walking the monster walk, doing the monster do. . .I'm just finishing cleaning off the bonesof my victims when one of my petty,unpaid servants comes and starts babbling on and on about this Beowulfguy. Let me tell you about him. Eugh.Okay, Beowulf. Description.Here we go. He's got longbrown hair that blows heroically in the wind, carries a BIG axe around,got HUGE muscles, wears two different boots,and has a five o' clock shadow. I don't knowwhy I'm making him seem so great. HE'S NOT!Now, for me. Description-MUCH BETTER THAN THATHOT SHOT, BEOWULF!Now, here's a pictureof ex- male model, Grendel.*wink,wink*Dashing, ain't I?!I did what any monster would do,I let it slide and went back to my bone-picking process.A few months later,I snapped. Okay, so I wasall tired out from wreaking havoc in a distant village so,I decided to take a power nap.After all, I am immensely powerful.I'm also not the typical jokester.So, I was dreaming about that singingcow-antelope when another one of mystill petty, still unpaid servants comes andwakes me from my slumber.After I threatened to murder him and eat his first-born child,You know who he was babbling about, AGAIN. This man who'sgot the strength of 10 men in one arm, mesmerizes women, andis NOWHERE as handsome as me.Another one of these pathetic "Beowulf"stories. Blah, blah, blah, blah, threatens to behead me, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.The thought of that fool makes mewant to vomit. Eugh.So that was the day our age-old rivalry was born.I'm quite artistic for an evil, ruthless, menacing, monster. *Thank you.*Do you like my drawing of Beowulf?I spent all week on it. Hey! Just becauseI'm evil doesn't mean monsters don't wantto have fun, go crazy . . .So a few hours after, I held mywild house party, this weirdo Beowulfloser comes in and crashes the wholepar-tay.So I'm all like: What the ham are you doing in myhootenanny house?! And that hot shot says : I'mhere to behead you! See, I've got baby wipes for theblood that's gonna be squirting out of your neck hole!Luckily, he also brought some diapers to put on my neckwhen I die. He better have brought Pampers 'cause if he came with Huggies I'm gonna FREAK OUT!See, COOL DIAPERS.Anyways, I totally accepted hischallenge after we both put onour moisturizer and started playingthe "Final Countdown" on my boombox. Yes, we both own moisturizerand love listening to Joey Tempest.Big deal.So yeah, after we did some Tempest karaoke,we got ready to kill each other. I sharpened myclaws while Beowulf pulled out the diapers and baby wipes from his man-purse. Or as he calls it" Special- Ops Utility Pack."And our duel to the death began.And we ran towards each other,screaming! He punched me upside the face,I countered with a slash of my claws,while Joey Tempest echoed through the room.He grabbed his axe and lunged at my arm,I pushed him out of the way, but I felt the bladesink in to my forearm. Normally, I'd fall to the ground crying, but I knew I couldn't let Joey down.He smacked me with a baby wipe,and I growled. I'd had enough. I screehedand pounced towards him. I truly regret that decision.He reached for his axe and stuck in my neck. Darn.As what I thought was flying,I saw Beowulf smiling a really creepy smile.Mwa ha ha.I looked down even more.I saw Beowulf wrapping diapersaround my neck. I lost. My life.So from monster heaven, I saw Beowulffighting my momma. I screamed "You leavemomma Grendel out of this!" But he did thesame to her as he did to me.And that kids,is the story ofhow a complete jerk killed me.THE END!Soon to be a major motion picture.Follow me on Twitter @discogurl.Here's my favourite one of my profile pics EVER!Even Beowulf sent me a few treats,wait, isn't it a bit insulting to saythat they were THAT old before theenglish language was even created?So yeah, BYE!GrendelsThe Golden Beowulfs is just stupid.Is there a such thingas Beowulf energy?This is proof that I'm better than Beowulfin every aspect.BYE!