One Small Step

Having a 15-month-old baby in your house that can walk but not talk is kind of like having a really short, slightly-insane foreigner living with you.

One of the most annoying things about being a parent is the undeniable urge to teach your children to do things that will invariably make your life more difficult. You teach them to crawl, to walk, to talk, and to drive, and it’s all for their own good, but no parent goes, “Whoo hoo! My son finally knows how to drive! Now I can rest easy.”

Why do parents have the urge to teach our children things that will make our lives more difficult?

That’s what’s currently happening with our youngest son, Gedalyah. Gedalyah, who is fifteen months old, has just learned to walk, and he does so in that stumble that babies do that look like they had a little too much to drink. Now obviously, it’s great that he’s walking. My oldest daughter didn’t learn to walk until well after her brother was born. And she weighed twenty-five pounds. So whenever my wife wanted to leave our basement apartment when I wasn’t around, she would have to pick up both children, as well as any packages or baby supplies she would need, trudge up the stairs (which were outside the building), walk to wherever we parked the car, and figure out how to unlock the door with a baby under each arm.

But now that he’s mobile, Gedalyah is everywhere. For example, he likes to crawl under my desk while I’m working, usually to follow a dropped toy, and then, once he’s down three, he will decide to turn off the power strip. That the entire computer is plugged into. So I’m working, not bothering to save anything – I’m going to keep hitting save every ten seconds just in case? – and suddenly, everything goes black. I don’t know why they design those strips so that the “off” button glows when it’s on. That’s just a magnet for baby fingers.

One of the main incentives that got Gedalyah to start walking, I think, was the realization that he would finally be able to carry things. It used to be that if we gave him a lollypop, he’d crawl around with it and rub it on the floor, and it would get covered in dirt and occasionally a four-foot strand of hair, and he’s still be happily eating it. So now, when we give him a lolly, he licks it and walks around with it, and we cringe every time he comes near the sofa.

He has also discovered that he can carry things that are like five times his size. He comes over to me carrying an enormous plastic stepstool, puts it down right next to my desk and stands on it, staring at my monitor and watching letters magically appear on the screen.

Yes, that’s how my columns get written. The letters magically appear on the screen. I definitely have nothing to do with it, because I’m spending the whole time trying to get him to leave. And it doesn’t help that every time he gets on and off the stepstool he manages to hit the caPS LOCK BUTTON WITH His elbow. Sometimes he also tries to help me type. I guess he figures there’s a lot of buttons, and he should at least help me press some of them. He also spends a lot of time touching all of the stuff on my desk, such as my pad, my lunch, my paper clips, and my folders. Like he’s playing “Duck duck goose”.

“Hey! Why is everything sticky?”

“Why don’t you go play with your toys?” I keep asking him. And he looks at me as if to say, “Why don’t you go play with my toys? Obviously you think that what you’re doing is more interesting! Hey, is that article writing itself? Who’s typing “Q” over and over again?”

Another thing that he does, when he comes over to me while I’m working, is give me things to hold. That’s his main hobby, these days. He will not be happy until he has handed me everything in the entire house. I take what he gives me because I know that if I ignore him, he lets go anyway, and the item rolls under my desk. And the last thing I want is for him to go looking under my desk. And I can only put him in for so many naps.

So for example, right now, as I type this, I am holding a sippy cup, two cars, three Fisher Price Little People, a set of fake keys, a children’s snow shovel, and a pair of shoes that are neither his nor mine. (No, I don’t know how I’m typing this either.)

“Here,” he seems to be saying. “You hold my toys, and I’ll sit here and push all these buttons.”

It turns out that having a 15-month-old baby in your house that can walk but not talk is kind of like having a really short, slightly-insane foreigner living with you, who spends his days poking your food with his finger and handing you things. And he’s one of those foreigners that doesn’t seem to be aware that you’re not speaking the same language that he is. (I get phone calls from these people all the time. I pick up and say, “Hello?” and they go off into a whole long rant in some other language, and I’ll say, “I’m sorry sir, you’ve got the wrong number,” like it’s my fault that he can’t dial a phone. And then he goes on in his other language, like the fact that I told him it was a wrong number inEnglish wasn’t at least a clue that I don’t really know Spanish. And I’ll say, “Look, sir, I don’t speak Spanish. Even if you got the right number, there’s no way we can have a conversation like this. Why is the phone sticky?”)

And it’s the same with the little guy living in your house. You’re like, “Sir, go play with your toys. I don’t need you making tiny finger holes in my sandwich.” And he’ll say, “Gah! Oogah! Mah!” Like he thinks you’re going to say, “Well, in that case, keep making holes.”

I suspect that he does understand a lot of what I say, but based on our recent conversations, I’m not sure that he fully understands the word, “No”. I think the next thing we should concentrate on with him should be that word: “No”. It’s not one of those things we’ll regret teaching him, is it?

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About the Author

Mordechai Schmutter writes a weekly humor column for Hamodia, a monthly humorous advice column for The Jewish Press, and a comic strip for The 20s and 30s of Brooklyn. He is also the author of the books, Don’t Yell “Challah” in a Crowded Matzah Bakery, A Clever Title Goes Here, This Side Up, Cholent Mix, and What Is This - Some Kind of Joke? all published by Israel Book Shop. In his spare time, which doesn't exist, he attempts to teach Language Arts to a bunch of high school guys, most of whom are usually too upset that he showed up on any given day to even pay attention to his lessons. He is also available to do stand-up comedy. He lives in New Jersey, but no longer remembers why.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 8

(7)
Anonymous,
January 1, 2014 11:01 PM

thanks for the laugh

We're blessed with a rambunctious, delicious, and destructive 15-month -old as well. And I work from home. My husband and I just laughed so hard it hurt.

(6)
Alita,
December 30, 2013 8:55 PM

My treat

I schedule my LOL sessions-- they happen when Jewlarious arrives and I'm not even Jewish--I thank heavens your contributors are!.

(5)
Susan,
December 19, 2013 3:34 AM

Babies know exactly what's up

I love this article! Brought back wonderful memories of my 3 kids and the now 4 grand kids. The garbled language, the sticky stuff... I worked in a day care for 15 years. We were taught to say
"That's not okay" instead of no and immediately turn their attention elsewhere. We saved the word no for things that could of been harmful and needed them to stop instantly. Unless you might like to hear him say no 5,000 times a day... ;) but thank you for sharing this.

(4)
Anonymous,
December 18, 2013 2:45 PM

For Safety's Sake, etc.

Tape the surge protector to the back of the desk.Get Gedalya his own (not plugged in) surge protector. Babies love to manipulate things (as you know). Also, in spite of what the APA recommends, you could give him some computer or iPad time where he can play educational games. (I understand that this is a humor column). Lastly, his bringing things to you is a SKILL -- you should reward it. Want to make him happy? Give him some papers and teach him to throw them in the trash! You will have a helper for life...Just don't don't leave your unpaid bills, or checks within reach...(Just sayin'). Loved the column and the photo (Yes, I know it's not your kid and you don't care)...

(3)
PRISCILLA,
December 17, 2013 10:00 PM

No, No, Nooooo!

How do you think children learn one of their favorite words "NO"? You might regret it in the end.

(2)
Anonymous,
December 17, 2013 8:57 PM

children

we have a 19month old girl who sounds just like your son, thank you for making me feel better that we are not the only ones out their with sticky everything and a computer table full of things that don't belong to you.

(1)
ERA,
December 16, 2013 7:07 AM

I want to babysit for your kid!

I remember your other article about how nobody wants to babysit nowadays. Well, I only babysit for cute kids. Your baby sounds cute. I won't eat anything from your fridge or cabinet--yes, I have that rule--but I like babies! I can spare some time for him. :)

Mordechai Schmutter,
December 18, 2013 12:33 AM

Thanks!

Wow, thanks, stranger from the internet! I'd LOVE to have you watch my kid.

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!