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Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Uneasiness

It's the night before Kol's MRI, and Kristen and I don't much feel like sleeping yet. I'm tired, yet full of nervous energy. Right now I'm dreading the thought of driving into the hospital parking lot. It's been two and a half months since the last time we were there, and I've suddenly noticed that it feels like hostile territory. This is a new feeling for me - there have been other times where I've felt uneasy about returning to the hospital, but there have always been feelings of familiarity to counteract it, often even feelings of almost homecoming. Now, as I think about tomorrow morning, all I want to do is run away, avoid it.

The last two and a half months have been good for us, and it's been easy to forget just what Kol (and all of us) have been through in the last sixteen months. When Kol was in treatment, I remember a feeling of shock and unfamiliarity when I saw a picture of Kol before he got sick, with a full head of hair. Now, I've noticed similar feelings when I see a picture of him without hair. It's like I've put this experience out of my mind, like a bad dream or something. Our life has felt much more "normal" lately - no doctor appointments, no big cancer fundraisers, no daily PICC line maintenance, no regular bloodwork, no quarantine times at home waiting for Kol's immune system to recover.

Maybe that's what is affecting me tonight. The reality of Kol's scan tomorrow is a blatant reminder of what we have been through. It can't be ignored, no matter how much I want to. And then we have to play the waiting game again - waiting to hear what the MRI shows, waiting to hear if our lives will get turned upside-down again, waiting to hear if our son will have to endure more hardship. My only hope and prayer is that the scan shows nothing of concern - no growth of whatever remains of the tumour, or finding that it has completely disappeared.

Your thoughts and prayers are welcome - for Kol's tests to come back with good news, and for our family to find peace of mind, peace of heart, and patience while waiting for the results. Thank you.