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Soft Pretzel Love

The good, bad and very fat and ugly

Seems like I’ve been out of virtual touch for ages. I’m happy to report, however, that my aged body seems to be healing, albeit slowly. I told my male coworkers I’d take them out today if they kept pestering me, and I wasn’t talking about a lunch date, so I suppose I’m getting back to my own personal version of normal.

Out there in that big bad ol’ world, thought… sheesh! WTF? Where to begin?

It’s like an early Christmas with an orgasm on top, followed by the news that your dog has just been run over and you’ve got to pay to repair the bumper that off’ed him…

Although it was good to see Emperor Miers scurry back to the Death Star a few weeks back, seems Alito is far worse. When NPR makes mention that his nicknames include Scalito and Machine Gun Sammy, you know every last one of our civil liberties is at stake.

Course, Dumbass Dubya is still out there, whining like the dry drunk ill-mannered smirking spoiled baby he is:

“While it’s perfectly legitimate to criticise my decision or the conduct of the war, it is deeply irresponsible to rewrite the history of how that war began,” President Bush told a largely military audience in Pennsylvania, in a speech to mark Veterans’ Day.

Interesting, considering the fact that his very administration seems hell bent on doing just that every chance they get, no matter how absurd and downright stupid it may be. Seems ol’ Scott-tissue McClellan got himself into a heap of trouble for responding, “That’s accurate” to a reporter who stated, “…We know that Karl Rove, based on what he and his lawyer have said, did have a conversation about somebody who Patrick Fitzgerald said was a covert officer of the Central Intelligence Agency. We know that Scooter Libby also had conversations.”

The White House propagandists, however, have directed two external transcription agencies, Congressional Quarterly and Federal News Service, to change the quote to, “No, that’s not accurate.”

Watch the video (the fun starts at about 5:30); he’d have to be a fucking ventriloquist to have spat that line out in the timeframe he’s seen speaking in.

I can imagine the conversation behind the regime’s curtain of secrecy post-mortem:

“Scott, you idiot! You told the truth! What were you thinking! You know the punishment.”

“No! Oh no! You don’t mean hauling away the dead carcasses of the everyday citizens Cheney’s sucked the life out of in his eternal, endless and, ultimately fruitless search for a soul?!!?”

“That’s right Scottie boy, but stop being such an optimist. He sold his soul long ago —it’s listed on the stock market just under KBR. It’s their life force. When the pacemakers stopped working, we had to find another way to keep Leader alive. Thanks to secret technology developed in an secure, undisclosed location years ago in Germany, we were able to fuse soft, innocent bunnies, poor minority fetuses, solid gold bars from his Haliburton payout and a few grams of coke from W’s stash and reanimate him. Unfortunately, he requires a constant source of humanity to keep his flesh from falling off and exposing him for the demonic zombie he is.”

“But, maybe we can tell them they just heard it wrong! We’ve spoon fed them for years, why wouldn’t they believe us now?”

“What a good idea! They haven’t tossed more than a few cotton balls at us in the past four-plus years. They’re like a press corps of Mikeys: they’ll believe anything!”

Unfortunately, as our man’s man and sexpert extraordinaire Steve Savage points out in this week’s Savage Love, this sort of behavior is hardly below Republicans. Thanks to modern medicine there is a readily-available vaccine that will prevent cervical cancer. As you may or may not know, it’s a sexually transmitted disease, and the more partners a woman has, the higher the chances she’ll get it. Pretty standard STD stuff, but there’s also the fact that, like many diseases, there’s no clear reason why one woman will get it, and another won’t. Either way, no one should have to die for having sex. Period.

But, that’s not the way the abstinence-only right sees it. According to Savage:

So what the right is saying is this: We’re willing to kill American women in order to avoid “sabotaging” our ineffectual abstinence-only message. Nice.

Unfortunately, it’s not just a bunch of experimental teens who are getting fucked in relation to this issue, as the Washington Post reports:

The jockeying reflects the growing influence that social conservatives, who had long felt overlooked by Washington, have gained on a broad spectrum of policy issues under the Bush administration. In this case, a former member of the conservative group Focus on the Family serves on the federal panel that is playing a pivotal role in deciding how the vaccine is used.

“What the Bush administration has done has taken this coterie of people and put them into very influential positions in Washington,” said James A. Morone Jr., a professor of political science at Brown University. “And it’s having an effect in debates like this.”