CRISTIANO RONALDO CUCKOLDS MILLIONAIRE

Manchester United star Cristiano Ronaldo has a new girlfriend, and if you had “25-year-old Ukrainian face of a Russian mail-order bride website who happens to be married to a 50-year-old millionaire” in the Ronaldo pool, collect your money. Although Alyona Haynes is separated from geezer husband John, he blames Ronaldo’s interference for breaking up their marriage after he found text messages on her phone:

“They looked like they had been written by a seven-year-old… it was dreadful English and they mentioned Portugal. They were very coyly written. There were things like ‘Do you miss me baby? I miss you’. I just assumed she was playing around with a waiter who had just arrived from Portugal. I had no idea it was him.

“He’s not intelligent in the slightest. Alyona is a very intelligent woman so I can’t imagine what they talk about when they sit down together. I just can’t get my head around it.”

Yeah, that’s a real noggin-scratcher. “I just don’t understand why my wife would rather be with the handsome world-famous athlete who’s richer than I am and not twice her age.” Best leave that one alone. Some mysteries aren’t meant to be solved.