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DOYLE

Share This With All the Schools, Please

January 30, 2014

A few weeks ago, I went into Chase’s class for tutoring.

I’d emailed Chase’s teacher one evening and said, “Chase keeps telling me that this stuff you’re sending home is math – but I’m not sure I believe him. Help, please.” She emailed right back and said, “No problem! I can tutor Chase after school anytime.” And I said, “No, not him. Me. He gets it.Help me.” And that’s how I ended up standing at a chalkboard in an empty fifth grade classroom staring at rows of shapes that Chase’s teacher kept referring to as “numbers.”

I stood a little shakily at the chalkboard while Chase’s teacher sat behind me, perched on her desk, using a soothing voice to try to help me understand the “new way we teach long division.” Luckily for me, I didn’t have to unlearn much because I never really understood the “old way we taught long division.” It took me a solid hour to complete one problem, but l could tell that Chase’s teacher liked me anyway. She used to work with NASA, so obviously we have a whole lot in common.

Afterwards, we sat for a few minutes and talked about teaching children and what a sacred trust and responsibility it is. We agreed that subjects like math and reading are the least important things that are learned in a classroom. We talked about shaping little hearts to become contributors to a larger community – and we discussed our mutual dream that those communities might be made up of individuals who are Kind and Brave above all.

And then she told me this.

Every Friday afternoon Chase’s teacher asks her students to take out a piece of paper and write down the names of four children with whom they’d like to sit the following week. The children know that these requests may or may not be honored. She also asks the students to nominate one student whom they believe has been an exceptional classroom citizen that week. All ballots are privately submitted to her.

And every single Friday afternoon, after the students go home, Chase’s teacher takes out those slips of paper, places them in front of her and studies them. She looks for patterns.

Who is not getting requested by anyone else?

Who doesn’t even know who to request?

Who never gets noticed enough to be nominated?

Who had a million friends last week and none this week?

You see, Chase’s teacher is not looking for a new seating chart or “exceptional citizens.” Chase’s teacher is looking for lonely children. She’s looking for children who are struggling to connect with other children. She’s identifying the little ones who are falling through the cracks of the class’s social life. She is discovering whose gifts are going unnoticed by their peers. And she’s pinning down- right away- who’s being bullied and who is doing the bullying.

As a teacher, parent, and lover of all children – I think that this is the most brilliant Love Ninja strategy I have ever encountered. It’s like taking an X-ray of a classroom to see beneath the surface of things and into the hearts of students. It is like mining for gold – the gold being those little ones who need a little help – who need adults to step in and TEACH them how to make friends, how to ask others to play, how to join a group, or how to share their gifts with others. And it’s a bully deterrent because every teacher knows that bullying usually happens outside of her eyeshot – and that often kids being bullied are too intimidated to share. But as she said – the truth comes out on those safe, private, little sheets of paper.

As Chase’s teacher explained this simple, ingenious idea – I stared at her with my mouth hanging open. “How long have you been using this system?” I said.

Ever since Columbine, she said. Every single Friday afternoon since Columbine.

Good Lord.

This brilliant woman watched Columbine knowing that ALL VIOLENCE BEGINS WITH DISCONNECTION. All outward violence begins as inner loneliness. She watched that tragedy KNOWING that children who aren’t being noticed will eventually resort to being noticed by any means necessary.

And so she decided to start fighting violence early and often, and with the world within her reach. What Chase’s teacher is doing when she sits in her empty classroom studying those lists written with shaky 11 year old hands – is SAVING LIVES. I am convinced of it. She is saving lives.

And what this mathematician has learned while using this system is something she really already knew: that everything – even love, even belonging – has a pattern to it. And she finds those patterns through those lists – she breaks the codes of disconnection. And then she gets lonely kids the help they need. It’s math to her. It’s MATH.

All is love- even math. Amazing.

Chase’s teacher retires this year – after decades of saving lives. What a way to spend a life: looking for patterns of love and loneliness. Stepping in, every single day- and altering the trajectory of our world.

TEACH ON, WARRIORS. You are the first responders, the front line, the disconnection detectives, and the best and ONLY hope we’ve got for a better world. What you do in those classrooms when no one is watching- it’s our best hope.

Teachers- you’ve got a million parents behind you whispering together: “We don’t care about the damn standardized tests. We only care that you teach our children to be Brave and Kind. And we thank you. We thank you for saving lives.”

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You understand a whole lot itts almost hard to argue with you (not that I really will need to…HaHa).
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Wonderful website you have here but I was wondering if you knew of
any community forums that cover the same topics talked about in this
article? I’d really love to be a part of community where
I can get feedback from other experienced individuals that share the same interest.
If you have any suggestions, please let me know. Appreciate it!

I stumbled upon this by accident but OH MY GOODNESS it was no accident. I am a teacher in New Zealand and I am sitting at my desk in my empty classroom with tear streaked cheeks reading this, three years after it was written and yet so impacted. A reminder of why we teach and why WE NEED to teach. Our beautiful souls who sit in our classroom next someone to be their hero, their advocate in a world where they don’t always have a voice. Thank you for sharing.

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Every time I’m feeling like I begin to question being a teacher, I re-read this article. THANK you for verbalizing what I can only hope all of my families want for their children. People first; scholars second. <3

This is a touching but dangerous article. I know you mean well, but hearsay collected from children is not valid data to make good analysis.
Does the teacher have a degree in Child Psychology?
Have the questions been tested for valid responses?
How does the teacher eliminate bias fom the questions and answers? What happens when the students don’t play the game and give nonsense answers.
Has the system ever been validated for accuracy? Is it repeatable?
Does she take into account gender, racial and cultural differences?
I would believe a Mathematics teacher would rely on the statistics of the system and not make inferences from the responses without testing it out?
Based on what I read, it’s a nice story but it seems quite hazardous to use it.
Better to leave the child psychoanalysis to experts!

PAUL Kramer, so do you suggest leaving children to feel lonely, isolated, without a sense of belonging. Giving rise to low self esteem and confidence. Until eventually they are so disillusioned and disconnected that the require, extensive and expensive therapy, which the ones who can’t afford will be unable to access, resulting in another generation of troubled unhappy adults, perpetuating the cycle.? Surely this teacher is doing great work, picking up on possible issues that, recognised early can hopefully be addressed before they become critical ? This teachers approach is clearly done with the best intentions. I don’t feel your comments are at all supportive or in fact helpful. It is after all one persons heart felt attempt to help children, in any and all ways possible…. not just to teach reading, writing and math.

So what if she’s wrong sometimes or misinterprets the data? Worst case scenario is some kids get some extra loving that they otherwise wouldn’t have had. Not the end of the world. The cons are minimal compared to the pros when she’s right. At least she’s trying and I’d venture doing a wonderful job.

Paul Kramer; human beings have been caring for others from the beginning without any degrees. If humankind continues to exist, compassion and caring will continue not necessiarly hindered by rules and regulations. Come off your high horse and pay attention to basic human needs. Some parents are very concerned about the well being of their children and actively seek ways to support their children. Other parents feel kids will find their own way without much help. The kids learn from whatever their enviornment offers. It doesn’t take a PHD to know humans need to be loved, need a feeling of belonging to someone and someplace.
Isolation is observable by caring people not necessarily psychoanalysis paid to make high level assessments.
I promise you can put a smile on a child’s face and a sparkle in their eye just with a kind word, a bit of praise or attention. Hugs didn’t used to be so rigidly regulated. Touch is a valid communication of acceptance. If you are interested in people you see all these behaviors between parents and kids, kids and kids and adults and kids.

Sounds like you really know how to collect and analyze data. Awesome! With that knowledge, I bet you can also decipher that she is indeed a teacher and not a researcher that is about to publish a paper. PS-Most teachers do have to study child psychology and take so much of that into account.

Maybe you didn’t read the article thoroughly?
There are no questions being answered by the children.
The teacher asked the children to write the NAMES of 4 classmates they would like to be seated with and 1 nominee for “class citizen of the week.”
And from just the names being chosen she can clearly see who is NOT being chosen by the class.
Those not being chosen on a consistent basis are the ones the teacher can then helpnif necessary.

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I’ve used this idea before in my first grade classroom. I used the information to try to intermix groups where there was a particularly controlling, bossy leader. Often if I paired those strongest personalities in the group to be math lab partners or be reading buddies they got to experience “a dose of their own medicine” so to speak. My intent wasn’t to punish but give each child insight on how their actions affect others. Once being controlled or manipulated became their personal experience we could have lots of one on one conversations about having empathy and how it feels. The child with a strong personality is more apt to stick up for themselves so it’s a learning experience for both parties.
I also would hold a “lunch bunch” each week of 4-5 kids changing students each week so everyone got a turn. I would try to help the lonely kid(s) connect with others, much like the host at a dinner party who has invited a couple of friends that don’t already have connections. Starting up conversations about the topics they have in common would bridge that divide or sharing a fun game or magazine article. Once a child had been befriended by another child I would make a point of sharing the new friendship with parents in case they’d like to have a play date over the weekend. These are just two ways I would facilitate relations in the classroom, after gleaning insight from how children feel about others. And bullies don’t typically act in front of adults, so watching on the playground (which I also did regularly) doesn’t glean as much insight as anonymously checking in with students on a regular basis.
Maybe some parents would hear of this technique and view it as interfering or manipulating the group’s organic relationships. However, as an experienced teacher with three kids of my own I sincerely hope that my kids are lucky enough to get a teacher each year that does more than teach the academics. Our children will struggle both socially and academically if teachers choose to overlook this aspect of learning. Anyone who has studied group dynamics knows that confidence and comfort must happen before engagement.

I feel this is the next part of the story. I’ve read the original article a couple of times when it pops up on Facebook and today I ended up thinking, “then what”? I have a boy who is working by himself in his classroom 90% of the time by his teacher’s estimate. My heart is breaking for him. How does he become a part of the class community? Bless the teachers who are thinking about this and trying to help the lonely. They are certainly at great risk in our culture.

I have followed you for years and you never cease to amaze me. I always leave your blog feeling like a better person…with a bit more insight.. a lesson learned. Not to mention all the times I have laughed! 🙂 But THIS post left me with goosebumps…it is beautifully written and such a powerful message.

This is not an original concept. It has been a part of school counseling programs’ teaching for years. I learned it over ten years ago. It sounds like you are pawning it off as a new thing and crediting off of it.

Sarah, I don’t understand the point of your comment. If the practice is new to someone reading about it here, as it was to the writer, it is valuable to share. The writer doesn’t need to research its history to reflect on its value, and even the limited information she gave about the history of this teacher using it is consistent with your having learned about it 10 years ago. Your view of her “pawning it off” as new is inaccurate and your claim of her “crediting off of it” reflects a degree of cynicism that is worth reflecting on.

@Sarah Miller…Read the post again. Nowhere did Ms. Doyle claim this concept as her own. In FACT, she is telling it as it was told to her, by Chase’s teacher. Slow down and you won’t be so quick to judge.

I respectfully disagree. Foremost, Glennon was crediting Chase’s teacher; not taking credit herself. Additionally, sometimes teachers are working miracles behind closed doors and parents have no idea. I teach 1st grade and I don’t always explain the ways I care for each child’s heart and soul, but I do. The conversation Glennon had with Chase’s teacher was eye opening for her. This teacher had quietly been impacting children for years and not necessarily announcing her work to the world. Glennon is a trumpeter of love and kindness. The idea may not be a new one, but it is certainly worth noticing and celebrating.

why be a bat sayer! Does it really matter if it has been used before? I have been and educator for 43 years. During my tenure I have taken countless ideas from others and implemented them in my classroom. Some worked some didn’t but I kept trying. I really didn’t care where it came from, who takes credit, all I care about is if it will help me help my students!

what difference does it make as long as this concept is getting out there and being used?! this generation especially needs it with all the technology that makes it so easy to bully. i have personally experienced kids ignoring each other which robs them of the opportunity to make great friends. this concept, no matter how old or who birthed it, is genius. pay it forward to infinity!

As a sixth grade teacher, each week my students have a new pairing for “greeting partners.” I started this in the mid 80s when I noticed the isolation of some of my students. The students know that the expectation is eye-contact, and a genuine greeting. It starts as compliance, but magically the students begin to have conversations, and friendships bloom. NOBODY is invisible.

Same. In some ways this article loses power by not completing the circuit – she knows enough to ask, now how is it utilized?
Completing that circuit could really drive the point home.
Or the opposite, depending on the answer.

As a teacher, I’d love to see the full model to consider how I could adapt that within my own classroom.

Me, too. I would like to implement this in the coming year, but feel like I need to know the next steps. What else did she look for? How did she respond to the information? What did she conclude from these responses?

I too teach and see the children who are lost and lonely. I feel for them but…..What I need are strategies; once these children are identified, then what…. What did this teacher do after she saw who needs help?

You observe how they interact. You manage the image of the child who is falling behind and help them self-manage to improve what is authentically valuable about them. You do have to referee and regulate the more dominant children to become a little bit more aware of their own power and help direct them to not misuse (read: bully and steamroll) other children. You engage the kids who are being left out. You listen to them. If you need more advice consider talking to either the school counselor or psychologist/social worker, or the child study teams or to an educational psychologist.

Glennon, this post touched me in a very deep way – very few people know the depth of my misery so today I felt hope after reading this great idea and I shared it on my page with the following post:

My childhood was pretty perfect… until High School. I was bullied by the same boy Every. Single. Day. I was too shy to stand up for myself. The other kids laughed so he wouldn’t bully them. The teachers pretended not to hear him yelling out his special name for me in the hallway… While it shaped who I became, I cannot deny that it is painful. So I was particularly touched by this article – I ask you all to read it and especially teachers – what a simple way to make sure you are keeping track of the important things. And this idea…. I think it could even be better if done in a high school classroom!

Brought me to tears. The compassion for fellow human beings at such tender ages…the insight to pinpoint potentially damaging social behaviors…searching out the lonely and unseen in efforts to build them up and make them feel valued. That is love. I doubt Facebook was motivated by love in anything it does. We are talking about an unselfish expression of love that we all do well to imitate. Forget being analytical and picking apart the methods used. You are overthinking it. Use your heart and feel it. This teacher combined their intelligence with their feelings to try to help the needy. THANK YOU! We need more of you!

I teach at a school where many parents are not involved and don’t even care. I’m going to start this program this coming week. She is brilliant. I wish that all teachers were like her and cared to such an amazing extent. Love still exists….. Thank you for sharing.

Great idea for an elementary classroom. But to adapt for use in my high school classroom I’d make some changes, as I have 150+ students usually (this year 162 last I checked). That’s a lot of slips of paper to to sort through each Friday, so maybe I’d rotate and do 1 class/week. Also, the questions would have to be different–I can’t see older students taking it seriously if I asked them to choose someone for ‘exceptional classroom citizen’, and I frankly don’t want them sitting next to their friends–that’s what I use a seating chart to prevent. But I DO like the idea of gathering info from questions in this way, whatever the questions might actually be.

This was my thought, as well. I would love some ideas on how you think secondary teachers could incorporate such a great idea–especially considering how much bullying & disconnection occurs in high school. I’m on Facebook @The English Classroom if you’d like to brainstorm.

Depending on the school culture and the kids, you might already have some kids who would be open to be more thoughtful. For instance, i went to a really great public high school where the kids would have taken to thinking of the four people we don’t know and identify a few positive aspects of them, or what you would want to know more about. Something along the lines of building a link to them but with questions appropriate for your school’s culture and maturity of the class. Consider ice breakers and make it on the premise that how well do you know people you’ve been in school with for the past 10 years?

I am studying Secondary Education at a University and I am always looking to learn new and innovative techniques to implement into my future classroom! This is definitely something I could see myself using. It is a really unique method to gauge the dynamics in the classroom from the students’ perspective. Also, I think it is an incredible effort made by this teacher to take action in impacting the lives of these students. This teacher helped me recognize and remember that my role as a teacher is not only teaching my content, but developing the next generations.

So right. This is why I make my students take out the ear buds and cut off the Satanic digital feed. It disconnects them from the school community, withdraws them from the team they need and that needs them.

Thank you for this! So glad I’m not the only one beating that drum. Teaching is so much more than academics and I truly believe we must teach the “whole” child, not just academic skills. Thank you again.

I applaud this teacher’s methods. One of the the underlying problems is that schools are too big!!!! Classes are too big. Kids get lost. Trust me, I know. Some parents have wisely moved to smaller districts where their kids can get involved in a number of activities that they may not have been able to at a large school. They can be in a play, play football and basketball, and/or be a cheerleader. I know that is not always feasible, but I truly believe it is a major factor.

I love this idea a lot and could see my self using it! What I’m curious about is what she does with the information…. Sure she sees patterns and can maybe spot the children who are slipping through the cracks, but how does she use this information to make her classroom a better place?

I am wondering the same thing as what do you do with the patterns and information learned? I would love to share this information with teachers at my school but really need to give suggestions of how to make connections once the ones who need them are discovered.

An interesting variation on this can be used by middle or high school teams.who work with a common set of students. About a month or so into the year, lay out index cards with all the kids names on them. Ask each teacher to pick up cards for any kids they feel they have already started to develop a connection with. Once everyone has collected those cards, look closely at who is left. These are the “invisible kids” who are not getting noticed. As a team, split that group up so that each teacher has a few they will make a special effort to connect with and encourage.

This is a good time to about what is sociallying appropriate to share, vs the things that we don’t share outside of our homes. I am one to notice often that people, especially adults today, are socially ignorant, if not socially retarded, and lack these important skills! My mother always taught us that: “IF YOU DON’T WANT THE WHOLE WORLD TO KNOW IT — KEEP IT TO YOURSELF.” Boy, didn’t that come to pass in this electronic age!

I’m a Kindergarten teacher and I noticed that the cliques begin in the cafeteria and then flow into recess. I began implementing Wacky Wednesdays in the cafeteria. I randomnly place name cards at spots on our two tables to indicate where everyone should sit that day. Each child is given a question to ask the classmate next to them. Then, they need to share the answer with me or the class later in the day. It gets them talking to each other and discovering that they may have similar interests. A child’s social and emotional life is so much easier in Kindergarten than in later years, but it’s where compassion and acceptance of others become the foundation.

While the intentions are admirable, It’s a bit unethical though; if Facebook collected information and secretly used it for purposes other than what they stated, no matter their intent, we’d be up in arms, why is it ok to misrepresent to kids? Bad lesson.

Hello?! Facebook DOES do that! Facebook did a social experiment on millions of its users to determine whether if one saw predominantly negative or positive posts in their feed it would determine their mood and emotions. They did this by manipulating what millions of people saw posted in their news feed every day, and measured it by the emotional tone of the subjects personal posts. Some people they blocked positive posts from appearing, and others negative posts from appearing.That is some sick stuff! Yet here we all are, still using it all fine and dandy! This woman is doing nothing wrong, and nothing that will harm anyone. Facebook could have prompted and been ultimately responsible for subjects committing suicide due to the social media monster’s experimentally induced depression. One of these is not quite like the other…

Yes I know they did it, that’s my point… Generally people saw face books experiments distasteful… Is misrepresenting what you are doing ok if it’s for what you believe is an ok end goal? It’s just a bit of a slippery slope… what if your work asked you who you want to sit next too, then fired all the ppl no one liked to increase efficiency?

That comparison is not valid. This teacher has no intention of using the information she collects in any negative manner. People like you fight a false battle against non existent issues and use misleading comments like the one above to fuel your cause.

The fact that anyone would find a problem with a teacher trying to stop Columbine from happening again is ridiculous. Maybe you, Mark, were that bully in school everyone was scared of? Why would you have a problem with this at all? The teacher is only trying to keep kids from feeling alone and/or bullied. How often in school did you see someone sitting by themselves and feeling like an outcast to everyone else? The teacher is trying to prevent that. Just because a kid writes someone’s name down, doesn’t mean that kid gets in trouble. People are entitled to their opinions. Unfortunately in your case, the joke “what do opinions and assholes have in common?” Everyone has one, even those we wish could be silenced, like you.

Whoa, Emily. That seemed rather rash and like a bully. Mark noted that the intention was admirable. He just put the question out there as to whether it was ethical. Frankly, I was a bit shocked at first that she asked certain questions, only to use them to infer other things. I know this won’t be popular, but I am of the old fashioned idea that school would be a great place for kids to learn the three R’s! I also believe there are times when the teacher may be the only trusted adult in a student’s life, so I see that teachers have to be diligent in watching over their flock. How they do that might depend upon the age of the children and the struggles in that particular school. Either way, we as adults don’t need to go after each other and show kids what NOT to do.

“Mark”, Way to take a great initiative by a teacher to help children learn how to be a better friend and squash it. It is because of people like you that make it sometimes impossible to “teach” in the classroom. If you are going to complain and offer no other option or strategy then just don’t say anything at all. Hats off to all those in the education field that do not let this negativity impact your teaching. Keep up the great work!!!!!

Find out who bully is…the one who gets nominated every week 4 exceptional classroom citizen but no fucker wants to sit with next week….ones who get little notices every week do alright….the four who always want to sit next each every week but never get requested noticed they the bullets targets they r us further Eric n Dylan Columbine killers just (snap system overload)….then there’s one’s like me never noticed not every by bullies ???we smart clever we study watch learn,we do not Forgive## We do not Forget ##We are LegioN…¿¿¿¿¿

A “bad” teacher can scar a child for life, something we dealt with when our son was in a GATE class in the first grade. This teacher is exceptional and going to lengths untried to know her students and respond to issues ignored for literally centuries. I applaud her effort.

I’m not sure how exactly this finds out who is a bully or who is being bullied. If you don’t get nominated for being “an exceptional class room citizen” it doesn’t mean you are being bullied or a bully, it just means, in the eyes of your classmates, you aren’t an exceptional classroom citizen. In fact, you could be an exceptional classroom citizen and be nominated every single week and still be bullied. Also, aren’t you going to want to pick to sit beside your best friends every week? If you are not getting picked to be sat next to every single week in a classroom poll, isn’t that going to be a blow to your self-esteem as well as singling you out to be bullied ? I think Chase’s teacher would be better off gauging the dynamic in the classroom/playground rather than running potentially damaging popularity contests.

Whoa… I disagree. I was totally wondering the same things Paul has stated. Yes, waiting for people to scream at me now, too, because we are actually THINKING. No one in their right mind (that part is important) would question the heart behind this original teacher’s actions. I was just wondering how she was going to come to her conclusions based on her questions. I agree with Paul TOTALLY…. we find out a WHOLE LOT by watching the students at recess. I am frankly shocked that people are attacking others who just might question the method of this experiment. I do want to note I LOVE the heart this teacher showed by wanting to find a way to positively impact her class. Kudos.

Dear Paul, it is interesting how some people can project negatively (show,their own negative attitudes by how they judge others) no matter how brilliant an action is. You presume this is her only way of assessing and project a destructive outcome because someone has a brilliant way of helping kids adjust. There is an old saying, “Those who say it can’t be done should get out of the way of those doing it.” Your shallow assessment would be best out of the way. It is the equivalent of bullying. Was that your way in school?♡

This teacher had a good ideal in helping her students now and in the future. Sure she carried her plan through for the best of each and every student. To bad she is retiring. Maybe sharing this will encourage other teachers to do it also. The world would be a better place.

I am studying Primary Education at University, and this is definitely something I can see myself using. I plan to show this to anyone I can in my classes and try to get as many future educators as possible to do something like this when they are in the workforce.

I loved reading about this teacher’s method for targeting bullying. I am a teacher myself and love any new technique for making kids feel noticed and loved. Can you share with us HOW she helps the kids that she notices aren’t connecting? What types of things does she do?

I also loved reading about this teacher and her approach to identifying lonely or bullied children. I have a special fondness for elementary teachers mostly because my father was a beloved 5th grade teacher. I have the same questions raised by Becky and would very much like to know the answers.

I cannot say for sure, but I would think that she keeps a record of these responses, and looks for the pattern. The bullying targets would show up as those who are rarely picked as someone to sit beside by those outside of their group of friends, since others do not want to become targets themselves. Anyone who rarely shows up on those submissions would be getting ostracised by the other students or simply do not know how to interact with them properly. Those are the students who would need help. I am not sure how she would identify the bullies though

I really like this idea. In fact I love it. However, I would like to know how the teacher dealt with the information she got from the results of the questions? Did she mix the groups up? Did she talk to the isolated kids? How can one use this data to help the struggling child?