Territorial Enterprise, December 10-31, 1865

[portion of San Francisco Letter]

A GRACEFUL COMPLIMENT

One would hardly expect to receive a neat, voluntary compliment from
so grave an institution as the United States Revenue Office, but such has
been my good fortune. I have not been so agreeably surprised in many a
day. The Revenue officers, in a communication addressed to me, fondle the
flattering fiction that I am a man of means, and have got "goods, chattels
and effects" - and even "real estate!" Gentlemen, you couldn't
have paid such a compliment as that to any man who would appreciate it higher,
or be more grateful for it than myself. We will drink together, if you
object not.

I am taxed on my income! This is perfectly gorgeous! I never felt so
important in my life before. To be treated in this splendid way, just like
another William B. Astor! Gentlemen, we must drink.

Yes, I am taxed on my income. And the printed paper which bears this
compliment - all slathered over with fierce-looking written figures - looks
as grand as a steamboat's manifest. It reads thus:

Now I consider that really handsome. I have got it framed beautifully,
and I take more pride in it than any of my other furniture. I trust it
will become an heirloom and serve to show many generations of my posterity
that I was a man of consequence in the land - that I was also the recipient
of compliments of the most extraordinary nature from high officers of the
national government.

On the other side of this complimentary document I find some happy blank
verse headed "Warrant," and signed by the poet "Frank Soule,
Collector of Internal Revenue." Some of the flights of fancy in this
Ode are really sublime, and show with what facility the poetic fire can
render beautiful the most unpromising subject. For instance: "You
are hereby commanded to distrain upon so much of the goods, chattels and
effects of the within named person, if any such can be found, etc."
However, that is not so much a flight of fancy as a flight of humor. It
is a fine flight, though, anyway. But this one is equal to anything in
Shakspeare: "But in case sufficient goods, chattels and effects cannot
be found, then you are hereby commanded to seize so much of the real estate
of said person as may be necessary to satisfy the tax." There's poetry
for you! They are going to commence on my real estate. This is very rough.
But then the officer is expressly instructed to find it first. That is
the saving clause for me. I will get them to take it all out in real estate.
And then I will give them all the time they want to find it in.

But I can tell them of a way whereby they can ultimately enrich the Government
of the United States by a judicious manipulation of this little bill against
me - a way in which even the enormous national debt may be eventually paid off!
Think of it! Imperishable fame will be the reward of the man who finds a way
to pay off the national debt without impoverishing the land; I offer to furnish
that method and crown these gentlemen with that fadeless glory. It is so simple
and plain that a child may understand it. It is thus: I perceive that by neglecting
to pay my income tax within ten days after it was due, I have brought upon myself
a "penalty" of three dollars and twelve cents extra tax for that ten
days. Don't you see? - let her run! Every ten days, $3.12; every month of 31
days, $10; every year, $120; every century, $12,000; at the end of a hundred
thousand years, $1,200,000,000 will be the interest that has accumulated....

[reprinted in
The Works of Mark Twain; Early Tales & Sketches, Vol. 2 1864-1865,
(Univ. of California Press, 1981), pp. 390-92.] Available
from amazon.com