Strong Coffee, Stronger Emotions

I’m feeling particularly thoughtful and not necessarily in the good way.

I feel anxious, on edge, insecure, and I wish I knew why.

I’m lying, I know why. I’ve been thinking about the friendship breakup again.

Whenever I find myself scrolling mindlessly through Facebook, I actively avoid looking through comments in case I see them there – commenting on a mutual’s status or something. It’s like spotting your bully or your ex across the hall and hysterically running in the opposite direction to avoid them before they see you. Except it’s online.

Am I sad that it happened? Definitely. Am I disappointed in how it ended? Of course. Am I afraid to admit that I feel so broken by something like this?

Yes, very much so.

I know there is no possible way for me to ever make up with them again. Not right now, anyway. I’ve come to terms with that. What I’m afraid to acknowledge is that I’ve been…traumatized by it. I don’t want to think of myself as a victim. It makes me feel weak and affected by something/someone who, ideally, shouldn’t have that much power over me anymore.

But isn’t that thought in itself acknowledgement enough?

I keep playing back the receipts that they brought out. It’s ridiculous that they kept those receipts. As early as 2009, they already felt resentment. I keep thinking about how they felt, how I made them feel, years ago. I feel guilty, even after I apologized. I keep thinking about how they reacted to my apology. Calling me “insincere” and calling my apology “generic”. But how should one apologize for things they weren’t entirely aware of?

I can hear them now: “YOU LIAR. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WEREN’T ENTIRELY AWARE OF? YOU KNEW WHAT YOU DID, YOU BITCH.”

I feel guilty for not being aware enough. Or for not being mature enough at 17. I’m sorry. I feel awful that they don’t feel that I’m sincere enough. Or that any of my efforts to resolve this aren’t enough.

I feel like I’m not enough.

Is this what emotional abuse feels like?

I don’t want to call this abuse. Or trauma. It shouldn’t be this big of a deal five months later. I should be able to move on from this. This isn’t worth all this stress and anxiety.