Why I Choose Love Over Motherhood

"You're going to hate me for saying this," says my good friend, a married mom of three, as we stand on the beach and look toward the ocean. "But you're never going to find a man. They're just not out there. No single woman I know can find a guy." She takes a breath and adds: "So you should have a baby. Do whatever it takes and have a baby. You should at least become a mother." I don't hate her for saying it. She is saying what so many others are thinking.

"I just don't want to see you alone the rest of your life," she adds softly to mitigate the harshness of her advice. The rest of my life, I think to myself as I look toward the horizon. It's too endless to imagine.

"But this is the rest of my life. Right here and right now, this is my life. I am alone. And I'm OK. It's not what I want. It's not what I expected. It's not where I want to be. But it's my reality," I say, more defiantly than usual. I'm running out of ways to show I'm not a victim to friends who wonder if I am.

When you're at the end of your fertility, at the end of the summer, at the other end of an argument you can't win, all you want to do is wait it out.

But your good friends want to know you're OK. And I feel the need to defend why I'm not a mother even though being a mother is all I ever wanted to be. "I don't want have to have a baby on my own," I argue. "I can't imagine how lonely being a single mother can potentially be. It's hard enough to meet a man, and it's even harder to meet a man who wants to be with a pregnant woman, or a new mother, or a harried single mother. Besides, I don't have any support. I don't have parents nearby or siblings who can help me. And honestly," I add tepidly, "I don't want to have a baby from the sperm of a man I don't know. I want to know where my son's clef chin came from. I want to know where my newborn daughter's long fingers came from. I want to look into my baby's eyes and see the love of my life."

I'm a hopeless romantic. When I fall in love, which happens very rarely, I fall deeply, madly, spiritually-on-a-whole-other-level in love. It's not a naïve love. I know there are problems—most often it's that he has no desire to be in a long-term committed relationship—but it's love. At least, that's how I remember it.

I look at the families on the beach. Little boys chasing little girls in the sand. A couple sharing a glance. A father and son running into the waves.... My friend sees it too and softens her tone even more: "I'm just saying you'd make an amazing mom, and it's just a shame that you'll never be a mother. It's sad that you'll never have a family."

I'm sad too, but I know I'm not the only one dealing with this. Just last week, a business colleague, a single woman in her mid-thirties, confessed that an article I wrote made her cry on the treadmill in the middle of her morning workout. "I saw myself in your writing," she said. Later that night, an acquaintance stole me away at a party, where the ratio was at best 80/20 women to men: "I never thought it would end up this way," the very pretty brunette told me. "I can't believe I'm turning 40 next month and this is my life."

"All the single women I know are fabulous," a 50-something divorced mom and business colleague said over the phone. "I was in a meeting yesterday and looked around the room. Each woman was in your shoes. It's a different time now than in my day. Maybe you have more financial freedom and social acceptance to wait for the right guy, but the right guys don't seem to be coming along."

"I have a friend who is 45, and she's involved with this guy, madly in love," said another business colleague, a married mom of two, later in the week. "But he doesn't want more children. And all she's talked about since I've known her is how badly she wants to be a mother. And we all know she'd make an extraordinary mom. How can she stay with him if he doesn't want kids? How can she give that up?"

"She's in love," I said. "She chose love. She knows what she's potentially giving up. But she's found love, let her have it." I realize I've stepped over the line, but those who have found love and have had children tend to be laissez-faire about their good fortune. "We just never thought she'd choose not to have children," she added. "She didn't choose not to have children, she chose to have children with a man she loves and when that didn't happen, she kept the love," I explained.

I'm burying my feet in the sand. "If you don't do something soon, you'll never be a mother," my friend warns. "I know," I reply with a sigh. "I am aware of my age and fertility. But I have grieved that I won't ever be a young mom. I've gotten over that I probably won't be an older first-time mom, either. I have made a choice not to have a baby on my own. Having a baby on my own is not something I ever imagined, dreamed of, desired, nor is it something I believe I am capable of. It doesn't mean it's not heartbreaking. It doesn't mean I don't still have hope I'll have a baby. It means I am holding out to have a baby with a man I love."

"But what if love never comes?" she adds. "What if Mr. Perfect never arrives?"

"I'm not waiting for Mr. Perfect. I'm not even waiting for Mr. Perfect-For-Me," I argue, digging my heels even deeper into the sand. "I am waiting for love. I am waiting for love with all its bumps and bruises and imperfections and hard times and good times and over-the-moon-times and laughter and intimacy and.... and I simply haven't found that love yet. Or I haven't found it when he was ready for it. But I know without a doubt that I deserve love. I deserve to have my heart skip a beat when I merely think of him. I deserve to be held like the world is standing still around us. I believe in love. I believe when I meet him he will make every lonely day I waited worth it.

"It hasn't happened on the timeline that I expected. And it's possible it will come too late for motherhood. And you're right, it may never come at all," I say, hoping it isn't true.

"However, I can say this," I add. "I've never been happier with who I am. I feel more 'me' than I've ever known me to be. I've never been more proud of my strengths or more self-aware of my weaknesses. I have made mistakes. Big mistakes. I have taken risks. Big risks. I have done things I never imagined I could do. I have met people I never imagined I'd ever meet. I have put everything on the line to live my life to its potential and I am living an extraordinary life. This is me. And I am the very best version of me I have ever been.

"I am ready for him. And when he meets me, he will know he's met the best of me. And together we will be the best of us. In the meantime, I am waiting. I am waiting. I am waiting for love."

The tide comes in and washes the sand off my feet and I'm reminded that it's only a matter of time.

----

I know many single moms by choice and I have the utmost respect for them. My choice not to try to have a baby on my own is not a reflection or judgment of any sort on their extraordinary choice to be mothers. I admire them to the utmost, truly. I only wish I had the courage they posses.

Wow, Melanie, I could not have written it better myself. I, too, wish nothing more to be a mother, but am in a similar position as you. I want love first. I don't want to do it on my own. I live in NYC, which is filled with wonderful, brilliant single women (tons of competition).

I've come to the quiet acceptance that "it" (motherhood) might not happen for me (I'm 37). In a few years, I will come to accept that it probably won't happen. And in the years after, if I am still single, I will accept that it most likely won't. It's a step-by-step acceptance that I'm learning to adapt to. But I will never give up on finding love. The motherhood (my biological own) part may never come to fruition and I accept that. I will not accept that I won't find love.

I love what you wrote. You have a real understanding, humility, and acceptance about who you are and what you want. All women should have such beautiful character traits. I'm an older woman who never married for the same reasons you have not married as yet. I tell younger women that love comes in all forms, and unmarried women are not "less than" women who are married and mothers. By the way, get yourself a new friend...the friend that you described is tactless and insensitive.

First off thank you for a great article!
I'm a well educated, well employed well put together single guy. I was married for 8 years but a blind divorce put me back in the dating pool at the worst time possible for a man who does not wish to have children.
Most of my dating has two predictable cycle.
The long one;
I meet a girl I like girl and girl likes me.
Eventually I invite girl over for dinner at my place.
She sees that I am "father material" and her ovaries go into overdrive over desert. She quickly start getting serious and starts talking about kids and wanting to have them quickly. I indicate that I was not kidding when I said I didn't want to have any and the relationship ends.

The short one;
Date 1 conversation 4...girl "I want to have children in 2 years." Me "I'm sorry I do not want to have children" date ends.

I'm still keeping my eyes open for a well put together well educated professional woman who would prefer to travel the world and live life than to have kids. Your article gave me hope. Thank you!

I divorced at 38 and just turned 40. Before I was too immature to mother anyone, now I'm thinking that I'm not sure if I want to put myself through that experience. I even woke up today from a dream where I explained it to someone with those exact words! :)

I hope the nuclear family model gives room to a larger view on families. Singles, divorced, single moms and dads, widows... there are so many of us! When we get closer to each other it isn't about genes. And I think that's where love comes into the picture.

I am 32. My picture of what my life would be like at this age is nowhere close to what is my reality. I am a single female with no prospects of love or family. However, while I yearn to be a mother, I truly and wholeheartedly believe in the love you describe! My guess is that this daily, if not hourly, internal debate that I am experiencing is exactly where I am suppose to be at this time in my life. I am riding the waves of despair and hope...waiting to see which way the current will go. Thank you for your perspective, Melanie.

I can understand your friend's sentiment but to have a baby just so you're not alone is a very lame reason. (And couples have babies for all kinds of lame reasons too.) I know that's not what you, the author, are saying. I'm a single woman in my late 30s. Trust me I get it. One option you didn't mention is egg freezing. That's what I am doing - not only to preserve my fertility BUT so I don't end up marrying the wrong man, just to have a child. I think your piece makes a good point too thought that at this age IF we do meet the ONE, he may not want to have children. Some would say that takes him out of the running of the ONE but I don't. Things do get more complicated as you get older. It all boils down to wanting LOVE in your life - of every kind. Good luck!

Oops, single guy. Reread your post. You point blank don't want to have kids so my question doesn't apply. I do know women my age who DO NOT want kids - they are out there. I do take a man seriously when he says he doesn't.

I'm sorry, but your friend needs to mind her own business. I do understand her "concern" for you, but why is her idea of a full life need to be yours? I think this is a wonderful article and it made me cry. You are a great writer.

Perhaps I am not entitled to participate in this discussion due to my gender - still I would like to comment.

Why do you think that you "deserve love" ? What is more I have the feeling that you are talking about the "instant package love". You meet the guy - BOOM LOVE and lots of it. Why not got for the other recepie - the slowly growing love.

The important thing ist not to love somebody when you meet him/her but to love this person after you have been togather for a while.
Why not try out that approach. At least in my case it proved very helpful. Throughout my life I have rarely met women who ignited my heart immideatly (perhaps I am just not the "I fall madly in love type"). On the other hand there were a lot of women who seemed to be "OK". And after a while this "OK" turned into "she is amazing" but only after we have been togather for a while.

There is so much to love about people and only a fraction of the "loveable" is obvious/decernable at the first glance (or even after a couple of months) - sometimes it only appears after one is already in the relationship.

Please excuse my grammar and my spelling - English is not my native tongue. Most of all this comment was not intended as vicious criticism but more as kind advice :)

Sometimes I wonder what bubble older single women live under. I for one have never had a problem finding a decent man. Maybe you people should move. Many times I think men and women who complain about not being able to find a man are either looking for mr perfect(which doesnt exist) or they really like being single, or a victim, or they cant see that they have characteristics that actually make a person who would want to settle down run in the opposite direction. If all you attract are jerks or the single at heart male/female, sometimes there is a reason for that. That reason is either the type of person that you are attracted to, or the type of person you yourself are attracting to you.

Life presents so many variations on this theme -- these are true stories:

Two single colleagues chose artifical insemination: one had a beautiful heathy girl; one did not and raised a handicapped child on her own.

One friend after a particularly abusive relationship met a wonderful man and married at age 40. Twenty years later, he is the best thing that ever happened to her and I shutter to think of what might have been if she settled for an earlier relationship. They do not have children but take joy in their nieces and nephews.

Also consider that love may come in a family package with the opportunity to be a mother to your spouse's children who may need your love and caring.

As soon as I read the article I posted it up on my face book page to share with my friends. Over the past two months I have been seeing this woman (28, MBA, good career, own home) and I was hoping to move from calling myself single and dating to exclusive with someone. Last night I get a text message from her reading "You know I really wish to have children in the next two years and I know you don't so I think we should talk?" I had to laugh, I just had to laugh. That's what I get for settling by accident in a very pedestrian part of the state just far enough from NYC in a sea of breeders.
And the search goes on.....
And it's going to be a long search. I am/ we are in a way fighting the unyielding forces of nature.

Melanie! Perhaps the man that will be fortunate to love you and deserve your love hasn't arrive yet, but same as certain women are struggling to find the man they dream, there is a man eager to love and worthy of your love, dreaming about somebody like you, waiting for you to get into his life.

Life is a wonderful journey full of surprises and people like you are very scarce. I'm convinced you will meet the man who is actually looking for you.