Disturbing the Placid Waters of Normativity

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Hello, darlings. As is my wont, I am here to share some thoughts on Grindr, that app that is at once so repugnant and yet so utterly compelling. In the spirit of my last musing on this subject, I want to offer a few words of advice on how to behave appropriately on Grindr. Here, then, are a few rules to keep in mind as you venture into the world of one of the most popular hookup apps.

Rule #1–Don’t be Needy. I get it; you’re probably on Grindr because you’re lonely and want to reach out to another human body. That’s totally okay. However, if someone doesn’t respond right away, or if they don’t agree to a date right away, DON’T CONTINUE TO HARASS THEM ABOUT IT. I understand the temptation, believe me I do, but it’s because I understand it that I can say without equivocation that it is the surest thing to drive other guys away. (By the way, this whole thing about being needy also applies if you happen to get into a relationship. Learn the boundaries that are acceptable. Your life will be a lot happier. Trust me).

Rule #2–Don’t be Desperate. This may seem like the same thing as Rule #1, but it’s slightly different. Again, if the presumed aim of being on Grindr is to get laid, or at least to attract someone, you definitely don’t want to appear desperate. You may be in the digital world, but that doesn’t mean that people can’t sense that desperation in the ways in which you comport yourself. Now, this doesn’t mean that you have to be an ice queen; it does, however, mean that you have to learn the balance between showing interest and not leaping at every guy that messages you. It’s a hard skill to master (and even I am still working on it), but it’s well worth mastering. I guarantee it will help you to be more desirable, and it will give you more confidence in yourself and your self-worth as well.

Rule #3–Don’t be a Nuisance. Again, this is somewhat similar to the preceding two rules, but there is a certain point at which your persistence becomes irritating. If someone doesn’t respond to you, even if you’ve been messaging for a while, be patient. And if they still don’t respond, then maybe you should take a hint. There’s something to be said for the long-lost arts of patience and subtlety, and I really do think that men respond much better to those than they do pestering and badgering. Remember that not everyone is glued to their phone 24/7 (I know that’s hard to believe), so be patient. Sometimes a good thing really is worth waiting for and even if that one guy you really like doesn’t respond, just remember that there are many other fish in the sea.

So, there you have it. More words of advice for Grindr. It’s a hard world out there (<<see what I did?), but if you really think about what you’re doing on Grindr (and other hookup apps), the experience can be genuinely pleasurable for all the parties.

Being on Grindr is, quite possibly, the most horrid experience most gay men can have. There are so many shallow, frankly awful people on there that it often makes me wonder why I (or anyone) bothers with it. And yet I keep returning to it, despite all the things I hate.

Chief among those hates are bad photos. Most of us aren’t professional photographers, but there are still a few things we can do (or don’t) that will help make our collective Grindr experience a little easier to bear.

Rule #1: Show more than your abs. Yes, we get it. You work out a lot. You have a great body. You clearly want us to fetishize your body and fall over ourselves praising you for going to the gym so often. But some of us often want to see a face, as well, so please, do us a favour and show it. (Oh, and while I’m at it, knock of the pictures of legs. That’s just plain ridiculous).

Rule #2: DON’T SHOOT A PHOTO FROM BELOW. Just don’t do it. NO ONE looks good shot from below. Even the finest, most chiseled jaw will look flabby and unappealing when shot with your head drawn in like a turtle (which is what almost inevitably happens). Always shoot from above, or have someone take it for you.

Rule #3: Don’t show scenery. Yes, scenery is great to look at, BUT NOT WHEN WE’RE LOOKING TO ACTUALLY MEET SOMEONE. If, as is usually the case, people are on Grindr to get laid, do you really think they want to see some bullshit picture of a waterfall? Of course not. What then happens is that we have to have this awkward exchange where I ask for your photo, so just cut out the middle part and post your damn face already.

Rule #4: Don’t make a goofy face. I don’t know about most people, but I like to have a clear and accurate view of the person I’m trying to hook up with/chat with/go on a date with. Besides, making a goofy face just makes you look like an ass.

Rule #5: TAKE A GOOD PHOTO. You’d think this would go without saying, but I see literally dozens of shitty photos anytime I pull up the app. People who are bowling, people who are standing so far away from the camera that you can’t see their face, people standing in dim lighting. It’s a selfie, people, not brain surgery. Get it together (or find someone to take the picture for you).

Love them or hate them (I don’t much care which), here are 5 fairly easy rules for making your Grindr photo a little better, both for yourself and those of us who have to look at it.

Happy grinding!

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