R.I.P. Ratrophy - People Will Probably Notice That You Are Gone

Sat, 02/21/2009 - 05:38 — shardborn

It has come to the attention of those of us at the #JSD news desk that one of our own has departed this mortal coil for the Great Gloryhole in the Sky.

Hailing from the darkest corner of Missouri, William Jefferson "Ratrophy" Adams Washington Fillmore IV was born the son of Millard "Phil" Fillmore, a cabinet maker, and Nancy "Bonzo" Reagan, a French prostitute. Missouri was still developing in 1980, the year of his birth. Fully 98% of the state did not have indoor plumbing and it was perfectly acceptable to stick your penis into roving herds of cattle.

In his youth, William enjoyed the normal passions of boyhood in Missouri; torturing farm animals to death and having intercourse with his sister, Paula "Poundstone" Fillmore. Although Paula frequently became pregnant due to Ratrophy's superhuman semen, their mother Nancy had taken a correspondence course in back-alley abortions and always had her coat hanger at the ready.

As a teenager, William put all of his belongings in a backpack and ventured out from the farm to the fabled land of Carthage that his father had often spoken of. It was a journey that would change his life.

For there, in Carthage..... was Rex. Rex became like a surrogate father to young Ratrophy, teaching him all about life as a man. Misogyny, computer repair, the pleasures of sheep....

But William wanted to go beyond Carthage, and when he felt that he had learned all that he could from his mentor Rex, he decided that it was time to be all he could be.

Ratrophy joined the Army.

The US Army trained William in their most prestigious career field, Sewage Specialization Technician. Following his schooling, he was sent directly to the front lines of the war in Afghanistan. It was there that Ratrophy developed his love for alcohol, his sexual attraction to camels, and hepatitis. He was shipped back stateside where his liver made a full recovery.

It would not stay healthy for long, for Ratrophy had discovered his true purpose in the world. His niche was carved. He....would become a raving alcoholic.

For lo, it came to pass that William would consume massive quantities of booze and then proceed to spew forth the most insane, demented, and pointless statements that IRC had ever seen. His tirades became more and more outrageous, and it was soon impossible to determine whether or not Ratrophy had been drinking. The innocent citizens of #jesus_sucks_dick had no idea what to think, and decided that the best course of action was to hope that he would die a slow painful death from years of alcohol abuse.

And that, dear readers, is very similar to what he did.

Last night, after consuming several bottles of Boone's Farm and a whole case of Zima, William Jefferson "Ratrophy" Adams Washington Fillmore IV choked to death on his own penis after attempting inverted auto-fellatio whilst hanging from the server rack in his closet. He was found naked and covered in his own excrement by Rosa Lopez, Ratrophy's Mexican maid. Pictures of the incident taken by Ms. Lopez will soon be available on eBay.

So here's to you, Ratrophy. Sooner or later someone is bound to notice that you're dead.