Monday, February 11, 2013

A Different Kind of Valentine

As we approach Valentine’s Day this week, I’d like to take
the opportunity to celebrate something different. Friendship.

Friendship between men and women in particular.

This is something that came up recently on my favorite
podcast. Pop Culture Happy Hour consists of delightful quartet of NPR employees who
spend an hour each week geeking out over the vagaries and intricacies of
movies, television, theater, comic books, music, and books.

Linda Holmes and Stephen Thompson are two members of the PCHH crew who
clearly have a close relationship. They go to movies together, hang out
watching TV together, and clearly influence each other’s tastes and lives.
Words like besties and best pal come up, and Linda has been referred
to as “Aunt Linda” in relation to Stephen’s children.

So, of course, when the PCHH gang dedicated part of a recent show to answering Frequently Asked Questions once and for all, one that had to
be addressed was “When are Stephen and Linda going to get married?”

Part of me wanted to cry. Part of me wanted to laugh. Pretty
much all of me wanted to beat my head against the wall of social expectation
reflected in that question.

But what I actually did was cheer.

Because one friendship at a time, friends are making themselves known. Friendship between men and women doesn't feel as though it should be that big of a deal to those of us who enjoy it. Our friends are a natural part of our lives, and it feels odd that we should need to justify or defend that. But so often our society demands that we do just that. And it's weird to do. As Linda said in response to fan sentiment, "I have cousins it would feel less weird [to think about making out with]."

But the questions keep coming because, it would seem, for many (most?) people the idea of a woman and a man being friends without sex or romance in the picture is just hard to imagine. And social "science" doesn't help. Studies reveal the presence of attraction between men and women who are "just friends."

This was hardly news to me. I've had many male friends throughout my life, some of them quite close, and I've never not been attracted to one of them. There are all kinds of different things about them that have attracted me. There's a reason we're friends, a reason I wanted to spend time with them, to talk with them, to know them more. Attraction is always a part of friendship. It's just that when it comes to men and women, we are conditioned to associate any attraction at all with sexual interest.

And it's just not necessarily so. Sure, attraction can go there, but it doesn't have to. And grasping that, living into the reality of it, is the single biggest step I know of toward valuing people for who they are rather than what they can do for us. It's humanizing rather than objectifying.

"Now, I will make a confession: I have very
little patience for this debate under normal circumstances, because my male
friends include straight guys, gay guys, married guys, single guys, flirty
guys, not-at-all-flirty guys, and yes, even the odd guy I've dated here and
there. (Exes are a much more controversial question in my experience, and, I
admit, a trickier proposition, but it absolutely happens.) But I am always
willing to listen to research. If it turns out that I am not actually friends
with any of them, that would be sad, because I would have to return a lot of
dudes to the Friends 'R' Us store at once, and that would be very disruptive
socially. On the other hand, they're worth quite a lot, so I'm sure I'd get
good trade-in value."

I love her humor, but I love the reality that underlies it even more. The problem with the research is that it reflects what people think about themselves and their friends. And how we think about ourselves and those around us is largely shaped by cultural conditioning and social expectations (Freud anyone?).

Which is why I'm so happy Linda and Stephen are out there with their friendship, letting us get to know them a little. The more real friendships that we see in the culture, the more our imaginations can be open to the possibilities between men and women that aren't determined by sex.

Jen - I really like your honesty about being attracted to men in your friendships. It's only normal. It is also only normal to not turn every relationship to something sexual. It's a kind of deep respect for our partner and our friend to set those boundaries and to enjoy the very best of all of our relationships.

so fun, thanks, jennifer, and i look forward to seeing you in april. i too love that we are seeing friendships being modeled in all kinds of fun ways that inspire others to consider that freedom and healing and connection is possible!

Thank you for you wise reflections. And if we're honest - isn't attraction part of ALL our relationships? I'm attracted to my friend Susie's sense of humor, my friend Robi's incredible generosity, my friend Leslie's depth and wisdom, my friend Sam's integrity. That's why they're my friends: I'm attracted to them, for lots of reasons, none of which have to be interpreted sexually. But we live in a culture that assumes ALL attraction is headed one way - not just between men and women. Which is why strong male friendships are assumed to be sexual, why historic friendships have been rewritten as something other than friendship, and why faithfulness seems more and more impossible. I love your toasts - Happy Valentine's Day to you and your friends. May you have many more.

about me

I'm a Southern girl with roots in North Carolina, Tennessee, and Georgia who moved to Chicago-land in 2004. I spent weeks wanting to cry every time I walked into a local joint that said "BBQ" on the outside of the building, only to find they meant that they grilled their hamburgers and hot dogs.
Barbecue is about so much more than the meeting of meat and flames. It's about noticing the best that's around you...not over-complicating things...taking your time...getting it just right...and most of all, savoring every morsel.