This is to acknowledge your appearance on our show - Internet Love Affair Secrets Revealed. We are pleased that you wrote to us explaining your situation so eloquently. We do understand the time constraints, as you must deal with your situation prior to the many pre-nuptual showers planned in your honour. For this reason, your appearance on our show will take place on Saturday, Jan 19th on the Games Forum of the SICC. We know that you have Brandy and Aunti Holly to provide psychological support however our staff will be at your disposal for professional counselling as well.

We understand that you wish to make your own travel arrangements by private jet. A hotel reservation has been made for you. We will be contacting your fiance, Remington Seal very soon. Separate hotel reservations will be made for him at a five-star hotel.

We recognize that Remington Seal has an extraordinarily large Fan Club. Unfortunately we will be unable to accomodate all of his fans at the show. We are sending you 100 tickets to give out to your followers at the SICC. We suggest that you give them out to those who take a guess prior to the show as to the nature of your secret.

Please let Roxanne and Samson know that those wearing biker paraphenalia will not be admitted to the Cat Springer show. We have our own security staff to deal with behavioural issues. Any woodchippers found on the premise will be expediently confiscated.

If you have any questions, please feel free to contact the producer.

Purrily,
Cat SpringerCat Springer [sleazebag@springer.com]
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You don't have a kinky-tail do you? Meowmy never said so. We need three tickets because I have two brudders.
Timothy
P.S. Samson will wear his tie instead of his biker cap.Timothy [spraysalot@pisser.com]
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Eh? Does someone have designs on my Remy? Or is it a crush on moi? Did they miss something in his tutoring? This royal meezer's curiosity is aroused. Oui. We will attend your sordid program.

Pish posh! 100 tickets is not enough. I will fly all my furriends in on ze private jet. Those in la metro area can take the limos. Mon cheris, you are all welcome. Yes, you, too, flower girl Fiona.

Okay, Monsierrr Springer, *rolls big French blue eyes in wonder at all the fuss* just be sure you have my full rider of exotic water and fatty tuna on hand. And my bodyguard Roxanne meowst be available and I want Pendragon, too. Samson meowst be purrmitted to wear his biker cap, lest he scent the room with his special parfum. Ooh la la. Oh and make sure Remy has a supply of puffballs or he'll tear apart the Green Room.HRH Kiwi of Canada [Kiwi@HRH.com]
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Remington Seal put down the letter from the Cat Springer show and shook his elegant head.

"Much to do about nothing!" he sighed. "Some member of the paw-parozzi has just discovered that my purrincess lady love has crossed eyes. Ah, the perils of being so famous! We Universe Rulers are constantly in the limelight!"

"Puff ball, sir?" the meezer slave asked him wearily.

"Don't mind if I do!" Remington said gleefully, throwing the letter aside and running down the front foyer to begin yet another four-hour game of fetch.

"I must be in shape for my purrincess!" Remy purred.Remington Seal, Ruler of the Universe [UniverseRuler@cosmos.com]
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Surely your secret is not that your eyes are crossed....the public must be informed that this may appear to be true...but is an optical illusion...
I can assure you HRH is just intensely focused....

I believe this is a smoke screen to avoid the REAL secret....
The Tall Tail Tatler reported that our fair RH is rumoured to adore sipping drintles from the not so royal throne!
If we read it in the Tail Tatler, it must be true!
Journalist Misty Hiss put it all in black & white....wiff photos & everyfing...'cept there were little black rectangles blocking out the faces......Is it true your RH?
Did you & Remy have a wild night off the coast of Greece & drink from the throne on the Yacht?
.......if it's true can we have tickets???
Huh, huh....ken we?The Ladies in Waiting [girlsgalore@mystery.com]
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Fiona is taking her duties of flower girl most seriously! She is practicing by pulling the blooms off of meowmy's azalea and floating the petals in the 'throne' water.
Oh my could those rumors be true?Fiona [cookietoes@cuteness.com]
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Would it be that you be older than the age dat you told Remy? If you be older and Remy gets cold paws, I'd be interested in starting a relationship. I wouldn't be younger den you cuz I be at least 17 yrs old. Course, I don't travel in private jets but I be the best car traveller in da Walker household. I know where Meowmy keeps da keys to da Miata. Timothy could jump and knock dem down for me and we could take a spin. Wif Valentines day coming up, I could get real romantic and send you red coloured heart-shape chicken hearts.Sam PC [SamPC@purrfectcat.com]
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Crosse'd Eyebawws are an Official Sign of Royal Blood...
Queen Daphine Dontat
who better not catch Ioduin at such a redneck whitetrash tv show......HRH Queen Daphine [bossgirl@HRH.com]
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All of us in Ohio...would like tickets to *Secrets Revealed* show....is the secret, perhaps that Princess Kiwi has some moozer blood???A viewer from Ohio [ontoyoumaybe@guessing.com]
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Does the lovely Miss Kiwi perhaps have a small addiction to catnip? I hear the Canadian variety is much stronger.Random [chaos@universe.com]
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We hefff it on good aufurrity that HRH Princess Kiwi was seen SNOGGING wif the BUTLER at Sir Lester's Christmeowas Pawty. Could it heff been the irresistible odiferous squished tuna pie in his PANTS?

One ticket to the show purrlease..Sir Lester [lord@colorado.com]
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I hear on good authority dat da princess likes butt-flavored cat fuud. In fact, I hear she likes cat butts period.

Don't wowwy dawlin' I's will go with you to this Springew show. You may need my suppowt - you know how commonews act when they get awound us woyalty. Especially those Hollywood types! And don't you's wowwy none about what 'supwise' they may have in stowe. I can'ts imagine thewe bein' any skeletons in you's closet - some nice designew dwess yes but cewtainly no dusty ol' skeletons!

Of couse my brudders will be with me, actin' as my body guawds. I's have wesewved a woom adjacent to you's and I's look fowawd to seein' you's. Maybe we can get in some shoppin' for honeymoon clothes whiles we's in the city?!?Princess Pris [gorjuss@HRH.com]
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Purrincess Kiwi paced back and forth along the aisle of her private jet. On board were effuryone who had tickets, and some others who hoped to get them at the door.
Ioduin and Random were laughing it up at the on-board bar, while TaiTai, Baby and Zoe hung out with Pendragon and Roxanne, who were howling with laughter at the giant tv screen. An old Cat Springer episode was playing:

Guest 1: "You had a WOT?"

Guest 2: Yes, I had a species change. I am now a Pomeranian."

Audience: "OOOOOOHHHH! You in da dawghouse now!"

Pris comforted Purrincess Kiwi, saying that her crossed eyes didn't matter to Remington, and not to worry.

The pilot announced that they were about to land on the rooftop of the Cat Springer Studios building..... [Note: Kiwi's private jet is a Harrier-style aircraft that can both fly like a plane and hover like a helicopter.--Editor]HRH Kiwi of Canada [Kiwi@HRH.com]
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Timothy and Samson were camping at the door to be first to be allowed in. Samson couldn't decide whether to try to get past the security guard wearing his biker cap or to wear his tie. Would I look "too weird" if I put on my lei?" he asked Timothy. Timothy shook his head in disgust.

Samson looked at the lineup quickly developing at the door. " I got to go to the LB now", he stated. " What do you need a LB for? You don't always use one," stated Timothy will 100% accuracy. PC ducked but got kind of wet. " How dare you," PC yelled! The other's behind him were equally appalled. They all rallied to PC's side and helped clean him up. Then they all said in unison......

I hope HRH Kiwi isn't a Secret Sprayer!Timothy [spraysalot@pisser.com]
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Remington Seal stepped into the stretch limo that would take him, his personal puff ball slave Mommy, Baxter, Kanoa, Sheba and Sorrel from the Ritz Catton Hotel to the Cat Springer show. Roxanne was nowhere around. She had decided to head off to Toronto with Pendragon and fly with HRH Purrincess Kiwi from there.

"I still don't understand why Roxy had to go to Canada and couldn't come with us," Sorrel said quietly, hiding behind the limo seat. She was very shy.

"Makes sense," said Kanoa. "She is one of Kiwi's bodyguards."

"More like she just wanted to get drunk on the airplane with Pendragon," Sheba sighed. "What is this younger generation coming to?"

Remington Seal was quiet. He was troubled. Just before he had stepped into the limo, a stranger in a trench coat had handed him an envelope and begged him to read its contents.

"Psst! Read this, Mr. Seal. It will change your life! You're about to make a BIG mistake!" the orange tabby in the trench coat hissed.

Inside the limo, Remington opened the envelope and studied the note inside.

Made up of letters cut out from newspapers and magazines, the note looked like a 1940's B movie ransome note. Someone had pieced together the message: "You are tubular, and she is tubular."

Remington looked at the note again. Yes, there was no doubt about it. The first three letters of the second tubular were capitalized.

"What can it mean?" Remington sighed. Then, spotting his favorite puff ball, he had his sickly slave throw it the length of the limo and thus amused himself until the limo glided up to the doors of the Cat Springer studios.Remington Seal, Ruler of the Universe [UniverseRuler@cosmos.com]
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Roxanne and Pendragon, having drunk every single bottle of anything alcoholic aboard the Purrincess Kiwi's jet, couldn't wait to jump into the stretch limo and drink some more. Laughing and guffawing, they cleaned out every single bottle in the mini-bar and then beseeched the driver to stop at a liquor store. There weren't any liquor stores on the route, but the driver knew of a camping goods store that sold sterno.

"That'll do in a pinch," Pen muttered, but Roxanne pointed out that they'd be at the studio soon, and besides, sterno was poisonous. Kiwi did not want to be late for make-up, so the driver continued straight to the Cat Springer studios without any detours.

As soon as the limo came to a stop, Springer personnel opened the door for the Purrincess. Before Kiwi could step to the curb, Roxanne and Pendragon burst out of the car, knocking the Springer staff cats to the ground.

"Security!" the Springer cats shouted.

"We ARE security," Roxanne hissed. "The Purrincess has her own bodyguards. Your Highness, shake a leg. Let's move before these idiots figure out I'm in leather."

Quickly, Kiwi was bundled through the back door into the make-up room. Roxanne and Pendragon disappeared into the Green Room.

"Hot diggity, look at all this liquor!" Pen said.

"Bottles, thousands of bottles, on a bar with lots of glass mirrors. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Yep!" Pendragon growled, nodding his head with gleeful anticipation. "What a pity Incoming is in Israel and can't help us BREAK THIS BAR APART!"

"Yee hah!" Roxanne cried in joyous delight as she threw a chair into the mirror.

Pen smashed up a coffee table and threw it into a wall of white wines. "Stupid pansy drinks!" he shouted.

Roxanne took a fire extinguisher from the wall. After playfully squirting Pen with it, she raised it over her head and brought it crashing down onto the bar.

Pendragon went into the adjacent men's room and returned with two toilet tank tops. Handing one to Roxanne, he then smashed his into the shelves holding the glasses.

Roxanne caught sight of the television in the corner. It was on, of course tuned to Cat Springer.

"Oooh, Cat Springer looks thirsty," she decided. She grabbed a bottle of champagne, smashed it against the bar, and poured its contents into the television. The television immediately shorted out in a shower of sparks.

"Piece of crap doesn't work!" Roxanne growled. She took the remaining toilet tank top and smashed it through the screen.

"Let's rip up the couch with our stiletto claws!" Pen suggested.

"Consider it done!"

"You call this art?" Pen spat in contempt, looking at a Pic-Cat-so picture on the wall. He broke it over his own head, then smilingly mugged for Roxanne as she took his picture with her digital camera.

"Race you to the bar!" she breathed.

The two gleefully jumped on top of what was left of the bar, hurling bottles and glasses as fast as they could grab them. Roxanne was glad for the brass knuckles. She was able to smash through case after case of all the liquor she didn't like.

Pen and Rox shook up champagne bottles and gleefully sprayed each other with foam, then finally sank into the corner, each with a bottle of Sprayer's Mark bourbon in their paws.

"Do you think they have a cafeteria here? I'm hungry," Pendragon scowled.

"Sure. Let's go steal something to eat, start a food fight, and set fire to the cafeteria before the show!"Roxanne the Biker Feral [BikerChick@feral.com]
*****************************
Purrincess Kiwi and entourage had arrived. After a meal of Tuna Mousse Lite™, Kiwi sighed wearily "I want to have a nap. Come Miss SuShi, and let me use you as a pillow. Let the others enjoy the bar."

Miss Sushi thought about the terrible secret that would be revealed and how she was helpless to purrotect Kiwi. No amount of Tortie Magic dust could change the fate of true love, this she knew. But she had been able to make the woodchipper invisible as Roxanne slipped it past the guards.HRH Kiwi of Canada [Kiwi@HRH.com]
*****************************
Down in the cafeteria, Roxanne and Pendragon amused themselves mightily as they fed banana cream pies into the invisible woodchipper, covering the entire cafeteria and its staff with creamy goodness.

"This is better than a Three Stooges film!" Roxanne laughed as she poured the entire contents of the frozen yogurt machine into the woodchipper.Roxanne the Biker Feral [BikerChick@feral.com]
*****************************
A knock on the door woke Purrincess Kiwi with a start. She could smell cream pie in the air. Must have been a dream...

"Five minutes, HRH!"

The Cat Springer weiner dogs were gathering effuryone for the show. Kiwi took a deep breath and made her way to the stage area. Pris told her that Remington Seal was already in the sound proof booth.

Miss SuShi sighed... she couldn't believe that Kiwi was actually going through with this! "Morbid meezer curiosity, I suppose," she thought.HRH Kiwi of Canada [Kiwi@HRH.com]
*****************************
Samson was restless. He needed to go to the LB again. He couldn't risk another "spray". He was afraid to leave the room in case someone took his seat. Those official Springer body guards were not to be messed with. If only he had the right costume but meowmmy made him dress in a tie instead of his biker cap. How could he take the body guards on in a tie!Samson [mightycat@sprayers.com]
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Inside the sound-proof booth, Remington was thinking not of what might be revealed, but that the booth was too small to play puff ball in. Still, he clung to hope that he could get a game going at some point. The puff ball was firmly clenched in his mouth, hiding his elegant and noble visage which the make-up crew had deemed perfect and not needing any make-up at all.

Remington wondered if his owner would have Roxanne and Pendragon bailed out of jail in time for the show. It was one thing to smash the bar in the green room, then destroy the cafeteria with cream pies, but the authorities drew the line when Roxanne and Pendragon had thrown one-year-old rotten eggs from Georgia directly into the air intakes for the studio's air conditioning system, fouling the air so badly that a hazmat team had to be called.

"Five minutes, Mr. Seal," came a voice over the booth's intercom.

"Meerrrrrrrrrrptt," Remington replied, his mouth filled with puff ball.Remington Seal, Ruler of the Universe [UniverseRuler@cosmos.com]
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As soon as Roxanne's meowmy handed over $500 apiece in bail money, the guards let Roxanne and Pendragon out of jail for disorderly conduct and creating a biohazard. The miscreants headed back to the Cat Springer studios, but found themselves barred from the premises!

"Why? Just because we trashed the place?" Roxanne asked in wide-eyed innocence. "It's not like we set it on fire or opened an envelope of cat-thrax or anything."

Pendragon nudged his companion in the ribs. "Psst, around the corner," he gestured. Roxanne followed him to a spot behind a garbage dumpster full of banana cream pie remnants. They could hear a rustling and slurping from within the dumpster, but they paid it no mind.

"Look what I got," Pen said, pulling some of Miss Sushi's Tortalicious Magic Powder from his pocket.

"Where did you get it?" Roxanne asked.

"I pickpocketed her while we were on the plane. Thought it might come in handy. Here, take some. We'll make ourselves invisible and join our friends inside."

Just as the pair were about to use the dust to disappear, a giant burp erupted from the dumpster.

"Baxter?" Roxanne asked in amazement.

A big blue head popped over the edge. "All done!" he purred. "Got it all."

"We won't tell The Lola about this," Roxanne sighed, "that is, if you pay us $100."

Baxter sighed and handed over a banana-cream smeared $100 bill.

Pendragon nodded. "A pleasure doing extortion with you, sir. Come on, Rox, we have a show to do. Let's split!"

And with that, Roxanne and Pendragon covered themselves with Magic Torti Dust and disappeared.Roxanne the Biker Feral [BikerChick@feral.com]
*****************************
Baxter hauled himself out of the dumpster and realized that his blue leisure suit was ruined. It was smeared with banana cream pie and frozen yogurt.

"Oh, no, I don't have a change of clothes!" the chubby bluepoint sighed. Then he spotted salvation in the form of a discarded shower curtain lying in a nearby alley. It was floral and made of plastic, but it was, for the most part, still quite clean. Most importantly, there was enough of the curtain to clothe Baxter in a somewhat unusual and voluminous toga.

Baxter entered the studio. "Where do I go?" he asked one of the cat staffers.

"Oh, sir, you are mistaken about your date and time. This is Saturday, not Tuesday."

"But I'm supposed to be here."

"Sir, you are obviously one of the featured guests for the Tuesday show -- Overweight Meezers Forced to Wear Tents, Mu-Mus, and Tasteless Shower Curtains Because They Can't Stop Eating Cream Pies."

"Oh, would I get paid for my appearance? I could use the money!" Baxter said, thinking of the $100/day he'd be having to fork over to Roxanne and Pendragon for them to keep the secret of his dumpster diving from Lola.

Baxter sat down with a thud, and the chair immediately cracked in half, sending his big blue butt to the floor.

"I'm sorry!" he apologized. Everyone in the studio audience was laughing at him.

"Here, sit on this," a staffer said, bringing out a reinforced concrete block covered with a cushion.

"Oh, boy! I can't wait!" Baxter smiled happily. "Now, where can I get a snack around here?"Baxter [blubberbutt@fatcat.com]
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Please join me in welcoming HRH Purrincess Kiwi to the show!

There is great clapping of pawickies coming from the audience. The door opens and HRH Purrincess Kiwi squeezes through and takes her seat on center stage.

A loud gasp escapes from the audience. " She's huge!" each meezer tries to discreetly say to those beside them. Roxanne and Pendragon giggle so hard that the invisible magic powder shakes off their bodies leaving them exposed.

HRH Purrincess Kiwi, stressed by the audience yells the appropriate trash talk back. HRH Princess Kiwi's Tutor- PC shakes his head as she shrieks "Whatever" repeatedly back. " Where did she learn to talk like that" he mutters to himself.

HRH Princess Kiwi admits her secret. Since her post-spaying, she hasn't been able to control her appetite. And of course, she has to have white wine with her meals. "You wouldn't give plain water to a Purrincess would you?" she pleads for understanding.

"Are you sure you want to go ahead with this?" the smirking Cat Springer asks HRH Purrincess Kiwi. "Well, lets bring Remington Seal in," he announces.Cat Springer [sleazebag@springer.com]
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Purrincess Kiwi was freaked! Would Remykins leave her for gaining so much weight? Would the Tubular Belle become disEngaged? Was the Royal Wedding off?

Losing her decorum completely from the stress, she viciously attacked a control device that the weiner dog security flailed at her!

As this was going down, Remington came running in with puffball in his mouth.

A great cheer came from the audience! Remy was handsomer than ever! Ladies swooned! The weiner dogs crooned! And then Roxanne mooned the audience, much to Pendragon's delight.HRH Kiwi of Canada [Kiwi@HRH.com]
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Remington stopped short and dropped the puff ball, his jaw slack with amazement.

"Kiwi, you are so beautiful, and there is so much of you to love!" he stammered.Remington Seal, Ruler of the Universe [UniverseRuler@cosmos.com]
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Samson and Timothy could no longer contain themselves. They ran up on stage yelling - Not to worry Kiwi. RS knows you are worth your weight in gold! The security staff removed them to their seats with a stern warning.Samson and Timothy [Tagteam@sprayers.com]
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The puffball bounced in silence. Kiwi looked up at Remington Seal, her big, grateful crossed blue eyes shone, flitting back and forth just like a closeup before the fadeout on "As The Meezerworld Turns." She looked like actress Karen Black, only rounder and furry.

Yes, she was no scrawny twig of a meezette, but she could get healthy again. If only she had some guidance! Some help!

Baxter sniffed and boohoohooed from his seat, tears running down his plastic floral muumuu. This was an episode he could relate to.HRH Kiwi of Canada [Kiwi@HRH.com]
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Cat Springer calls for silence. We have something to help you Purrincess Kiwi. He presents her with an envelope as he gives his final thoughts -

It doesn't really matter what you look like. It's what you are inside. You are both two beautiful meezers. We know that if opposites attract, you will both have a very long and strong relationship. We wish you both well.

Kiwi opens the envelope and shares the contents with us all. [A year's membership at Jenny Cougar--Editor]Cat Springer [sleazebag@springer.com]
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Yay, yay, yay! I lub happy endingsh! HRH Kiwi ish a plump little dumpling, ishn't she! Don get between her and a shicken leg...Marley [smartass@interruptingusagain.com]
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Roxanne whispered to Pendragon, "Springer's toupee has to go. Lure him over here, I'll hook it with my sharp claws, and we can send it airborne. Whaddya think?"

Pendragon looked at Roxanne, then whispered, "I think Timothy can help us give Cat Springer a little surprise. Let's say this, when he's through, Springer will be pissed!!"

Cat Springer had just finished handing Purrincess Kiwi her Jenny Cougar card. The time to strike was now.

Roxanne ducked down and slunk behind the stage, while Pendragon stood up and made a ruckus.

"Yo, Springer!" Pendragon called belligerently. "What rat died on your head?" Before security could reach him, he sprinkled more torti dust on himself and disappeared!

Springer heard a loud noise. Someone had fired up a woodchipper right behind the stage! Security ran to find the source of the noise. Suddenly, chairs started falling off the stage and into the invisible woodchipper, with very visible fragments flying through the air. One such fragment winged the corner of Cat Springer's toupee, and it went airborne!

"Now!" the invisible Pendragon screamed at Timothy.

Timothy, startled by the noise and upset by the disturbance, sprayed the flying toupee and caused it to fall soaking wet to the floor.Roxanne the Biker Feral [BikerChick@feral.com]
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Cat Springer told his producer that "those celebrity types make too much mess of this place." Remind me to accept only "riff-raff" in the future. He picked up his phone to call Allcat's Insurance. He must arrange replacement of his cranial prothesis as soon as possible. The phone was dead. Roxanne and Pendragon could be heard in the background trying to get the remnants of the phone wire out of the woodchipper.Cat Springer [sleazebag@springer.com]
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Duncan was disgusted. Having been tricked by Pendragon to stay home, he had watched the whole sleezefest on TV. He didn't think Princess Kiwi was fat at all -- in fact, she was a most perfect size! Prince Sebastian called earlier to tell him of Pen and Roxy's incarceration; Duncan had put on his sombrero and started celebrating only to learn later than mom had posted bail and paid their fines.

Duncan rolled his ponderous weight to his left side and considered what would be appropriate punishment for the fluffy lynx. He was sure that mom's punish would not be enough. Secretly he admired Pen's free spirit and lack of responsibility but he would never admit this to himself. He also wouldn't admit that he had a good chuckle when Cat Springer's toupee went flying and Timothy sprayed it.

Duncan decided he needed help this and picked up the phone to call Mandy...The Mandynator to everyone else. He hesitated before going ahead and placing the call; he wasn't sure she was still speaking to him after Pendragon had revealed Duncan's shingleberry status. Last he heard, Mandy had been wailing and beating her paws on the bed.Duncan [dismayed@disgustedinGA.com]
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OH! OH! OH! Wot tew du? Wot tew du? I hab jus heawd about Baxie's tewwibwe behabiow at dat TB studio pwace. I jus can not bewiebe it! Eating fwm de gawbage and weawing showew cuwtains. Den Baxie be going on dat twashy Cat Spwingew show! How wiww I ebew get obew de embawwassment. I knowed I shouwd hab gone wit him but I hab tew wook out fow baby Fiona whiwe Wandom be on dat adventuwe in Abwica. Wot tew du? I jus can't mawwy anyone who shops fow dey cwothes at 'Bed, Bath and Beyond'The Lola [whatIwant@whatIget.com]
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Dear Kitty Lola,

The production staff have informed me of your situation with Baxter. We wish to invite you to appear on our upcoming partner Make-over shows. We have gotten your address from Baxter who will join you. He is very keen on the idea, as he would love to see what you would look like in a shower curtain. We would of course dress him up to your expectations as well.

Please let us know if this meets with your approval. We will then send out all the necessary ticket, hotel, financial renumeration and waiver information.

Purrily,
Cat SpringerCat Springer [sleazebag@springer.com]
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Oh, woe is me! My fiancee will have nothing to do with me because I eat banana cream pie remnants out of a dumpster and ended up having to wear a shower curtain.

I love Miss The Lola with all my heart, but I can't help myself. I am powerless over food, particularly fattening stuff.