"Olympian Only" Breathing Zones announced

In a frankly predictable move, LOCOG have identified that there will be specific breathing areas set aside in London's parks for Olympic Officials and competitors.

A spokesman said "It is risible that these fantastic athletes, and the crack force of selfless administrators supporting them, should be expected to perform at the highest level on ordinary London air. These enclosures will therefore have the benefit of the finest air available in the UK , transported at great cost and high speed through the Olympic only travel lanes, regardless of inconvenience and practicality"

Referred to as the O5 zones, these areas will be diligently and stringently policed - a first for these games. Straying into these areas will result in a £130 on-the-spot fine, accompanied by forceable removal of the purloined items.

LOCOG have also cast aspersions on the buoyancy, ordinariness and provenance of the water to be used for the swimming and diving events. Evian share values are reported to be up 200%