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I Am Tired of Living a Lie

As you are aware, I am resigning from my role as the president of Harvard University. On June 30, 2018, I will complete my 11th year of service, and the Harvard Campaign will reach its conclusion.

This was a difficult decision, but I think that it was the right one for one simple reason: I am actually also Apple CEO Tim Cook, and my entire life is a lie.

In the 2000s, I thought that I could do it all: work as a respected scholar of Southern antebellum and Civil War history and maintain my day job as Senior Vice President of Apple’s world operations. But then, in 2007, I was simultaneously named Harvard's president and was promoted at Apple. Talk about a whirlwind year!

Although I thought that I had the best of both worlds, being two people at once became quite difficult when Steve Jobs died. My duties to earn billions of dollars for the endowment of one of the largest research universities in the world while innovating bizarre new iPhone features rested solely on my shoulders, and no one could even tell.

You think Harvard's investment portfolio needs to rake in some more billions of dollars? You think the new iPhones have been a little lackluster lately? Me fucking too.

Let’s just take a minute to acknowledge the supreme prowess that it takes to be two people at once. I have stepped over Divest protesters, dealt with those fucking single-gender sanctions, and eliminated the headphone jack to get to where I am today. I was the first female president of Harvard and the first openly gay CEO of a Fortune 500 company.

It was fucking incredible, but I’m tired. I barely recognize myself when I look in the mirror. You'd think someone would have noticed—I even wore the same robes when I gave commencement speeches. But all of you are just mindless sheep, ready to give to Senior Gift when I've raised 7 BILLION DOLLARS since 2013 or buy a new white Apple brick every year.

As I depart this role, some congratulations and praise would be nice. After all, I have literally inhabited two bodies for decades, carving out two wildly successful lives, while you nitwits struggle to find a summer job. But never mind that, as I am ecstatic to see what my successor, the extraordinarily capably Larry Bacow, will accomplish. I am sure Bacow will achieve many great things, as he has the ultimate advantage: He is not also Apple CEO Tim Cook.