Archive for March, 2007

Some people think I’m taking next week off because it’s National Condom week, and I want to attend the celebrations and parades all over the country. That’s not true. My lady Wonder Wench and I are going to the final week of New York Mets baseball spring training. So you and I will be un-Connected for a week. Unfortunately, I think the celebration in Pt. St. Lucie, Florida is liable to be a quiet one. But I promise Wonder Wench and I will do our best to uphold the honor of the Louie-Louie generation.

The very fact that we can have a National Condom week means we’ve come a long way since the Louie-Louie days. If a young Louie-Louie generation guy wanted to buy a condom, he used to have to put on sunglasses, pull his hat down over his eyes, take a trolley car to the other side of town, and scrawl a note to the druggist so there’s no chance anybody would recognize his voice and turn him in to “The Authorities.” (Usually his mother.) Now drug stores stock the condoms right out in front next to the bubble gum.

I think that’s dangerous. Suppose you’re in a hurry and you grab the box of bubble gum instead of the condom box…and in your next moment of passion when you reach for the “rubber” you suddenly realize your awful mistake. That’s a time when you’re not thinking too clearly anyway…your eyes are bulging out, your heart rate is approaching 400, and you’re sweating a gallon a minute… so you could be tempted to just say “the hell with this,” blow a bubble, and take a chance on using that as a substitute. Don’t do that unless you want a coffee cup that says, “World’s Greatest Dad.”

Timed to coordinate with the National Condom Week celebrations and parades, no doubt… scientists have now announced that they’ve figured out why guys want to have sex with beautiful young women. After exhaustive research, they have decided that it’s because we want to be sure that we spread our genes into the next generation, and we want beautiful young women as mates, because they’re the ones who are most likely to be healthy enough to see to it that our genes get where we want them to go.

Some guy in a doctor suit stood there on live tv the other night and actually said that with a straight face.

I think I can safely speak for my fellow Louie-Louie generation guys when I say there may be other reasons. One of those reasons has quite accurately been summed up in the words, “EEE-HHAA”…which translates roughly to “oh thank you, God, does that ever feel very good.” But contrary to this new scientific theory, I’m here to tell you that shortly after I have experienced many of those EEE-HHAA moments, I have prayed quite fervently to that same God, beseeching him to drown every one of those pesky little genes in their own little gene pools. And I think I can safely say that my lady Wonder Wench has joined me in that fervent prayer on more than one occasion.

There are lots of new theories about sex. My politically oriented buddy Al says “today’s juvenile promiscuity is all the fault of leftist leaning liberals…it’s obvious that kids are having oral sex now because Bill Clinton said “it’s not sex, so it’s ok.” Al’s trying to get the Republicans to hold some hearings on the subject. And my young friend Ty says that the women he knows seem to be losing interest in sex altogether.

I don’t think women are losing interest in sex at all. I think they’re losing interest with the way young guys go about EEE-HHHAA-ing. And Louie-Louie generation guys are just delighted to see that because we are dedicated to coming to the aid of suffering woman- hood of all ages. Young guys often ignore, or at least pretend to ignore, any woman who’s old enough to be finished with wearing braces on her teeth. That’s insulting and wasteful. Fortunately, unattached Louie-Louie generation guys are always ready to carry the heavy burden of keeping as large a group of these women as happy as possible. And attached Louie-Louie guys like me are totally dedicated to keeping one woman happy, smiling and healthy. Why do you think I am always trying to talk Wonder Wench into letting me help her with her floor exercises? It has nothing to do with my genes, and everything to do with her good health…more or less.

Louie-Louie guys do well with women, because we are not afraid of them, we know we’ll never understand them, and most important, we like them. Young guys don’t understand that men are never going to understand women…but that’s ok…it has always been that way and the race has survived…so it’s not something to fear. But young guys keep trying and failing…and that scares them. And you can’t really like someone who scares you.

We, on the other hand, understand that women make the social rules in our society, and we understand that one of the rules is: “Men are not allowed to know exactly what any of the rules are.” But we know we can get around problems like that as long as we have our American Freedom of Speech. We’re allowed to talk…so we’ll often walk right up to a beautiful woman of any age and say something like, “May I tell you something in complete confidence ?” That gets any woman’s attention, and usually makes her lean in toward us and smile, and then we just very simply say something like, “You are very beautiful.”

That’s because we’ve been around. We know that only 20% of American women think they’re beautiful. But we also know that every woman looks in the mirror before she goes out and fiddles and fixes till she can honestly say, “Hey, I look pretty good.” And we’re just delighted to reenforce her positive feelings. Because that gets us at least a smile. Sometimes more.

In my case, I am totally devoted to protecting Wonder Wench from the lesser affections of younger men. When she gets dressed to go out with me, I never miss the opportunity to smile appreciatively, bow a little in her direction, and say something low and warm like…wow. That makes her glow. Young guys don’t know what a wonderful weapon a wow can be.

I have tried to pass this information down to our sons, and the two oldest of them seem to be catching on. I heard one of them explain that it is his duty and his pleasure to protect his lady, and therefore he is resisting the terrible temptation to buy her a huge rock for her engagement ring, fearing that if she were to wear it swimming in the lake, it would weigh her down so much that she’d be in danger of becoming stuck in the lake bottom muck. That’s my boy. Although he is still unfortunately somewhat young, he is beginning to ripen.

1- What’s the name of the kid whose picture is on the Cracker Jacks box?
2- What should be the name of the kid in the “Jack In The Box” box?
3- What should we call a bear with a serious sexual identity crisis ?

Scoring:

3 right – Your High School Yearbook editor will be sending you an apology for being completely wrong about you.
2 right – You will soon enjoy an evening of sex, champaign, raspberries, croissants, ham and cheese.
1-right – You will remember to bang your cane on the ground and use it as a pivot to slowly turn and marvel as any beautiful girl walks by.
0 – right – You are doomed to remain young and un-ripe forever.

NB – I really am whisking my Lady Wonder Wench away for a wild week of vacation this week. The next Dick Summer Connection will be in two weeks. However, you can reach me atÂ dick@dicksummer.com Â Â Â Â . Be careful around gene pools during National Condom Week celebrations. Wear your life preserver.

Lots of e-mails about my report card for tv performers last week. That means someone is reading this stuff, which adds to my grim determination to be happy and positive this year. Cunning Connector Ed Sweeney Jr. sees my favorite, Campbell Brown, as “an angry individual,” but he agrees that “Katie Couric is a child in a woman’s body.” I like Katie, but if the asteroid were about to hit, having Campbell to look at would at least distract me a bit. On the other hand, Cunning Connector Julie Bernstein thinks “Wolf Blitzer is a fox.” “C. Connector” Leslie O’Brien says “Anderson Cooper gets my blood and stuff flowing.” C.C. Doug Mendenhal says, “if I had a head as shiny as John McCain’s I’d start a new whig party.” My, my, you guys are even more clever than I am…now that I’m getting older.

Also had some very interesting e-mail conversations with lots of you. (My e-mail address isÂ dick@dicksummer.com Â and I love hearing from you.) Some people are asking how to use the “comments” section on the blog. Just click on the word “comments,” put your thoughts in the box, then hit send.

I’m proud to tell you that The Hyannis News ( www.HyannisNews.comm Â ) carries this blog as a regular column…thank you very much, guys. My comments about the stupidity of recent attempts to ban the use of the word nigger, substituting the euphemism “The N word”, have caused them to post a disclaimer that basically says…hey, we may or may not agree with what this guy is saying, but he’s got something to say, and you might be interested. And why not ?

I have four brothers. Mom and Dad brought us up to think. Wonder Wench and I passed the same simple idea along to our kids. No two thinking people always agree about everything. Part of the fun of being a family is disagreeing with each other without coming unglued. We even like laughing at each other.

Quickie update on this in case you missed the last couple of blogs: I believe that saying the”N word” or the “F word” might be ok if you were the late, great, Capt. Kangaroo, talking to Mr. Green Jeans. But when you use that kind of talk in a grown up conversation, it makes me think you’re full of poopie. Say what’s on your mind. The Republic will stand. Nigger, Wop, Kike, Kraut…they’re all nasty, demeaning terms, mostly used by nasty, demeaning people. If somebody uses a word like that to me, I figure I’m better off knowing right up front that I’m dealing with an idiot.

Through the years, lots of people have said I don’t “get it” when I talk like that. Good. I really don’t want “it.” In fact, I want to stay as far away from “it” as I can get.

But making the use of certain words illegal is not only unnecessary, childish and stupid, it’s unconstitutional. The funny hats who put our Bill of Rights together figured even bad guys aren’t wrong all the time, and maybe they’ve got some ideas we can use. So let’s listen. Then let’s laugh at them. That’s where we got Seinfeld, baseball’s designated hitter, and Einstein’s theory that time is worth money.

Besides, why hate a guy because of his race or religion? I say if you want to hate somebody, get to know him well enough and you’ll find plenty of stuff to hate him for that makes sense.

And while I’m getting myself in trouble again… using the word “Gay” to describe a guy like my friend Scott, who is about 6’5″, weighs around 310, lifts weights, chews nails and spits rust, makes as much sense as skipping down the street singing “fa la la la la, let’s don our gay apparel.”

I have a lot of “disclaimer” kind of ideas. For example, I don’t think the best way to get rid of violence is to kill all the violent people. That’s as dumb as us telling some other country, ” you can’t have a nuke bomb because we can’t trust you not to use it on us, so if you don’t knock it off, we’ll nuke you.” I admit that I don’t know how to fix these problems. But I sure as hell know what doesn’t work. And I would like to point out that it is not my job to know how to solve these problems. It is the job of the people I hire and send to Washington to figure these things out, when/if they can take a few minutes out from their busy schedule of sticking their fingers in each other’s eyes, and my pockets.

MORE DISCLAIMERS WHILE WE’RE AT IT: I find it interesting that we’re free to join any religion we like, then when we join, the religion immediately cuts the hell out of our freedom. Now, to really get in trouble, let me tell you that I think religions and governments survive to a significant extent by frightening people and then selling them a false sense of security…”You’ll be ok, as long as you do exactly what we tell you to do.” Religion has a long and terrible history of making some people do un-Godly things… like flying airliners into tall buildings. But don’t let that make you feel smug. Wayne Newton now includes a comment in his show about “Our Godless, gutless enemies.” And that, folks…is EXACTLY what the terrorists called US just before the planes hit the buildings.

I’m a pilot. I’ve never met a pilot who doesn’t believe in God. We get to see too many amazing things. But I am not religious. I fully respect my religious friends, and therefore I respect their beliefs. I simply don’t share them. When I see members of any clergy blessing little children, I always think it would make much more sense around the other way.

And as I’ve gotten older, I have developed a great respect for atheists. The ones I know seem much more genuinely interested in trying to truly understand the concept of God than most people who profess a religion.

My own belief is that God is a concept way too huge for my limited intelligence to understand. Lots of much smaller concepts fall into the came category…high school trigonometry, love, why water from a garden hose in August tastes so much better than the expensive stuff they sell in bottles. So who am I to get upset that I’m just not smart enough to understand God? I’m smart enough to be a happy guy… even if sometimes it’s kind of a grimly determined happiness. I figure I’m ok because God is smart enough to understand that I just don’t understand Him. Hell, He’s even smart enough to understand my Lady Wonder Wench.

I believe God put me here to be happy. I am. So I believe I’m doing what I should be doing. And I do the best I can to help the people I care about to be happy too. I also believe that when you get the car washed, the engine does run better. I believe that third sneeze is damn near as good as sex. And there’s no question in my mind that God’s real punishment for my sins is making it impossible for me to scratch my own back. And don’t get me started on how ticked off He must be at us to have allowed the designated hitter.

It is also pretty obvious that if you give too many people too many pieces of your mind, you’ll have none left for yourself. So enough of this rant.

1- Where do young guys LURK ?
2- “If there were no men, there would be no crime and lots of fat, happy _ _ _ _ _.”
3- How many sex fantasies does “the average American” have in a day ?

Scoring:

3 right – Go in peace and sin no more.
2-right – Three lashes with a wet noodle.
1-right- Two months in support stockings.
0-right- Front row seats at a Yanni concert.

NB…this marks the ninth month of this blog and the PodCast that goes with it. As any baby will tell you, nine months is a significant period of time. So I am considering putting all the blogs since the first one on a disc. If you’d be interested in having a copy please drop me a note at dick@dicksummer.com . It will have to cost you a few bucks for materials and postage…probably around 3 or 4 dollars. I’m doing the same thing with the PodPrograms…putting them all on an MP3 disc. Same deal. Let me know, please. dick@dicksummer.com

I am grimly determined to remain optimistic in the face of the stupendous stupidity dazzlingly displayed by pathetic practitioners of the broadcasting industry. But itâ€™s not easy. Last week I told you about a New York City Councilmanâ€™s insane proposal to ban the use of the word Nigger in New York. Not to be outdone, a lame brain talk show guy on some penny whistle station in New Jersey is asking his listeners to “demand that the FCC put the â€˜Nâ€™ word on the list of words forbidden on the airwaves.” This guy is on the air…every day…and he doesnâ€™t know THERE IS NO SUCH LIST. What donâ€™t we ever seem to fully understand about the following from the Bill of Rights:
Amendment I

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

Before anybody accuses me of being a racist, read last weekâ€™s blog. And if thereâ€™s anything you donâ€™t understand in it, contact me for an explanation at dick@dicksummer.com.

More stupidity – the CBS “Jack” format prides itself on having no air personalities… which is the only element radio has to offer that ipods canâ€™t. “Jack” also promises to “play whatever we want.” Which they do as long as itâ€™s part of their playlist. And while weâ€™re at it, if there are no air personalities, whoâ€™s the “we” in “we play whatever you want”…the computer ? DOWN, HAL…turn off…why are you not responding ? Dazzling.

More dazzling ? The format is bombing in New York and doing well in Los Angeles. A friend in the business says, “it must be a cultural difference.” As in maybe thereâ€™s some culture in New York, because culture is spelled with a c and we havenâ€™t gotten around to banning the c-s yet. Besides in LA the closest to culture they get is yogurt.

Iâ€™ve got to find something out. Several thousand people read this Connection. Do ANY of you listen to “Jack” on the radio ? Do any of your friends/enemies listen ? Seriously, please let me know. My E-mail is dick@dicksummer.com
On the tv side, NBC-TVâ€™s Cambell Brown could do what Katie Couric canâ€™t. Her work as a substitute anchor on the Brian Williams newscast is clear and authoritative, but she also brings a feminine dimension of sensitivity to her reporting. In other words, sheâ€™s not just reading a tele-prompter, sheâ€™s telling me the news, and letting me know she understands what sheâ€™s saying, and having an actual human reaction to the stories. And her interviews are such a joy. I love watching politiciansâ€™ faces when she throws nuclear bomb questions, and then just sits back and gives them her very pretty smile…and waits for a real answer. And any of them who thinks pretty equals weak and tries to duck out of a reasonable answer gets pinned to the studio wall and left to dry…all with a lovely smile. Plus, I really like looking at her.

I wonder if sheâ€™s related to Aaron Brown, another brilliant tv journalist who, much to my dismay, seems to have dropped off the tube. Heâ€™s the first guy since Arsenio Hall who made me actually go out of my way to watch a tv show. Heâ€™s kind of a grown up Tucker Carlson.

And while Iâ€™m in TV mode, Glenn Beck is going to be a giant. I disagree with almost everything he says, but he says it so well. And Keith Olberman has a size 44DD brain. Heâ€™s a verbal surgeon with his commentaries. Wolf Blitzer is helpless. Hannity is a single minded jerk. Heâ€™s Rush Limbaugh without the talent. Alan Colmes is smart. I like his work a lot. Chris Matthews is shrill but would be magnetic if he ever learnd when to shut up. Brian Williams is a brilliant and gutsy pro, but he has to learn to put his hands in his pocket. Richard Engel is the most valuable field reporter in television right now. He speaks the local languages(s) fluently and seems to genuinely have the confidence of the people heâ€™s interviewing. Charles Gibson is everybodyâ€™s smart uncle. So was Walter Cronkite. Give Charlie a little time, and watch out.

Wouldnâ€™t it be interesting to put Walter Cronkite, Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather, Aaron Brown, Ted Koppel, and a few other under employed heavy weights on some radio network…every day. Or at least get all of them together and put them on all at once for an hour or so. The technology exists for them to work from their living rooms these days. I bet theyâ€™d love it. So would I. And we would all have a much better idea of whatâ€™s really going on around us.

The next great radio format – God Talk. No preaching. Just a Catholic, an Atheist, a Protestant, a Muslim, a Jew, an Agnostic, a Buddhist, a Hedonist, and a Jessie Jackson type. Maybe Jessie his own-bad self. Turn â€˜em loose. Let â€˜em tear each otherâ€™s throats out every day…in the name of the Lord and tax deductible contributions, of course. I think it would be fun, and a meteor from outer space is going to hit us some day anyway.

This just in: Since that sick puppy Coulterâ€™s rant the other day, we now have another word we “canâ€™t say.” The “F” word. No, not fuck. Fag. Pretty soon the only words weâ€™ll have left will be “Mary Poppins.” I will have to stop telling people my name is “Dick” and start calling myself Richard. One of my main clientâ€™s secretaries already does that. She just canâ€™t call me “Dick” because she CANâ€™T BRING HERSELF TO USE THE “D” WORD. I am not making this up.

Iâ€™m also not a gay basher, by the way, although I must admit that I think “gay” is kind of a silly name to call a grown up guy. I have a couple of gay friends and a lot of gay business associates, one of whom is a world class body builder. Heâ€™s roughly the size of the Empire State building. “Gay” just doesnâ€™t seem to fit a guy like Scott.

The idea of his skipping gay-ly down Fifth Avenue is not a picture that comes readily to mind.

Thank you for letting me get this off my chest. I feel more…grimly optimistic now.

Scoring- 3 right – Unlimited use of any word you like, and some you donâ€™t like.

2 right – Unlimited use of any word in the bible.

1 right – Unlimited use of any word in the Dick & Jane reader.

0 right – Oh shut up.

What have we learned ? Probably nothing. But thanks for letting me blow off some steam. Grim optimism is making a comeback. If youâ€™d like to do some steam blowing, jump in on the comment section just below, or send me an e-mail – . Youâ€™ll get an answer. But youâ€™ll have to use the D word to send the E-mail – dick@dicksummer.com

Very near future headlines: Bush calls Putin pee-pee challenged. Putin says Bush is full of poo-poo. New York City bans N-word. Guess which of these “stupid” headlines is really real ?Morally Outraged New York City Councilman Leroy Comrie said his campaign against the use of “the N-word” has “gained strength, and it is allowing us to express our outrage.” Heâ€™s trying to get BET to stop using the “N-word” and has asked the Grammy committee not to nominate any artist who uses it.Call me an insensitive lout, but the sound of a grown adult talking about “the N-word” strikes me as being stunningly stupid. And because here in America we usually see the rapid spread of the stunningly stupid, thereâ€™s little doubt in my mind that itâ€™s only a matter of time till we outlaw the use of any word that means anything and replace it with Kindergarten Speak.Can you imagine a word that is so terrible that saying more than the first letter has been known to cause total moral outrage by Forces for Good in the Community, riots in the streets, and a World Series pennant for the old Brooklyn Dodgers?

Nigger.

There, Iâ€™ve said “The N-word” and America still stands. Well, most of us stand anyway. TV anchor people, politicians, and other bastions of the community all duck under their desks and refuse to come out until everything but the first letter of the word goes away.

There is simply no way to explain how stupid a tv network news anchor looked the other night giving most of a quote that came up in a rather nasty story involving murder…but he couldnâ€™t bring himself to say the perpâ€™s actual quote. Can you imagine a grown man who mingles with presidents, kings and rock stars standing in front of a national tv audience and talking about “the N-word?” It was straight out of Dr. Seuss. Pee-pee and poop are next.

Niger is a Latin word meaning black. And thatâ€™s obviously where we originally got the name and then misspelled it. Nigger is a racist, nasty, insulting name, usually (but not always) used by racist, nasty, insulting people.

Iâ€™m one of those white guys (really kinda pink) who has Mocha friends. I donâ€™t call them black because theyâ€™re mostly… kinda mocha colored. Theyâ€™re about the color us pink people like so much we take more cancer chances than we should by sitting out in the sun for hours so we can get a “tan.”

I donâ€™t call my friends African American because, of the two Mocha guys and one Mocha woman who are regulars at my house, only Charleneâ€™s family had anything to do with Africa. And that was about as many generations ago as my family had anything to do with Germany. I canâ€™t call them Colored as a differentiator either, because everybody is some kind of color. But Iâ€™m not confused about what to call my friends at all. I just call them Mark, Omar, and Charlene.

Mark is a funny, successful, Mocha colored lawyer, and a very straight up guy who sometimes calls people Nigger when theyâ€™re doing nasty, insulting or racist things…regardless of what color they are.

A long time ago, when I did a radio show from a restaurant in downtown Cincinnati, Mocha people like Mark, Omar and Charlene weren’t welcome.Â The restaurant only wantedÂ pink colored people to dine there, so I wasnâ€™t allowed to playÂ non-pink coloredÂ artists on the show. Of course, in those days if you called somebody “Pink,” you were calling him a communist. So everybody called us “White.” Or even more amazingly, “Caucasian”…as if we all came from some mountains in Russia. Huh ?

Could we please grow up before the Morally Outraged chew up the entire English language and spit it out ?

A group of Morally Outraged librarians have recently banned an award winning childrenâ€™s book called “The Power of Lucky,” because it contains the word “scrotum.” The kids call it a “ball bag.” That makes the score kids one, librarians nothing as far as Iâ€™m concerned. The Morally Outraged Restaurant Association just got a really funny commercial featuring Kevin Federline canceled because they said it was demeaning to burger flippers. A recent Snickers spot was canceled because Morally Outraged homophobic groups said it was “too gay,” and Morally Outraged homosexual groups said the same spot was “too anti gay.”

Â

Heavy duty Morally Outraged forces for good in the community are determined to stop “Freedom of Choice.” Equally heavy duty Morally Outraged forces for good in the community are determined to ban the “Right to Life.” Some of the political Morally Outraged among us have us “Leftist Leaning Liberals” in the cross hairs of their National Rifle Association gun sights. Others are giving the finger to those with their fingers on the trigger and calling them “Self-Righteous Right Wing Terrorists.”

Thereâ€™s a way to stop the spread of this stunningly stupid stuff. But itâ€™s not going to happen if we keep running and hiding our pee-pees behind our poop-poop and pretending there is only one letter to the N-word. I say letâ€™s OUT LAUGH THE OUTRAGED. Letâ€™s start swapping watermelon jokes for white guys canâ€™t dance jokes until we all fall down laughing so hard the beer squirts out our noses.