iVillage.com: The Rules for Dating After Divorce

Keep the Kids on the Sidelines -- For Now

You don’t need to completely conceal your dating life from your kids, but they don’t need front row seats, either. Meeting a new man every Saturday night -- or discovering a different guy sacked out in Mom’s bed on Sunday mornings -- is confusing to young kids. They can’t make out how these guys fit into their lives, and it sends the wrong message about relationships and commitment to teens who are just starting to experiment with their own sexuality, says Honaman. “Even when I was dating my new husband, he didn’t meet my kids -- then 7 and 9 -- for months, because I only wanted them to meet someone who was important to me, not just the guy I was dating that week. When a man is going to be a steady presence in your life, then you can introduce him to your children as a `new friend,’ which is a concept kids can understand.”

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Dating sites Match.com and PlentyofFish give you access to most of the online dating population, says Eric Resnick, founder of the dating profile development service ProfileHelper.com. And you can try both for free. “It’s a good idea to window shop on both sites before you pay for more access or choose one site over the other,” he says. In addition, posting to smaller niche sites lets you refine your search if you’re looking for specific religious or cultural backgrounds (JDate, Christian Cafe, ArabLounge, BlackSingles) or guys with kids (SingleParentMatch). Regardless of where you post, don’t fudge your stats. “You don’t want a date to say, ‘You’re not who you said you are,’” advises Resnick. Also create an email account just for online dating that doesn't reveal your last name in the "sender" line. Until you're ready to give out your personal details, don't let your email do it for you.

When you’re dating, online relationships can develop at light-speed via email, instant messages and texts. It may feel like you’ve got yourself a boyfriend before you’ve even had your first date, says dating and relationship Vondie Lozano, Ph.D., M.F.T. And if the dreamy guy who captivated you with his witty emails and texts turns out to be a dud in real life, you’re in for some crushing disappointment, not to mention another “breakup.” Lozano recommends first exchanging enough emails -- three to six is ideal -- to find out if there’s any chemistry between you. Then you can take things offline and into the real world to see if your chemistry holds up when you’re actually face-to-face.

You’ll do yourself a huge favor by treating any new guy -- whether you met him online or at your best friend's dinner party -- as a stranger. Even if you’ve emailed, Skyped and traded tons of texts, you still don’t know him, so it’s wise to be cautious -- even if you think he’s nice and charming. Last spring, a Los Angeles TV executive was raped by a man she met on Match.com. To keep yourself safe, follow these basic rules:

Google your date. Plan your first few dates for busy, public places; meet him there so he doesn’t know where you live. Tell a friend where you are and when you’ll be home. Check in with her during the night. Take your bag, keys and phone with you any time you leave the table. Order a fresh drink if you leave yours unattended to prevent being drugged. After Googling her date-rapist, that LA TV executive discovered he had several convictions for sexual battery.

If a guy isn’t married, a felon, old enough to be your grandfather or young enough to be your son, why not give him a chance? After all, you already married the guy who met every must-have on your "Ideal Guy List" and look how well that turned out. Maybe it’s time to broaden your scope. “After your divorce, approach dating the way you would a tapas-style menu -- a chance to get to know many different men to find out what traits you like and don’t like now,” says Miami-based marriage and sex therapist Lisa Paz, Ph.D., L.M.F.T. “Then when you’re ready for your next serious relationship, you’ll have a better idea of what you’re really looking for.”

“If all your best girlfriends are married with kids, trying to dish about your latest date while they’re dashing off to PTA meetings or shuttling kids to preschool can leave you feeling disconnected or misunderstood,” says Paz. That’s why you need to make some new friends who are single, like you are now. “It’s helpful to have a girlfriend who’s in the same place as you are in life if you haven’t been dating for a while,” says Paz. She’ll get what you’re going through, because chances are, she’s gone through it too. Plus, she’s probably got more time to hit the town with you than your married friends.

You may be nervous about reaching out to let a guy know you’re into him but you need to get past that, says Resnick. “Dating is different than it was 10 or 15 years ago. It’s not a man’s world anymore. There are plenty of guys who want to date, but you can’t sit on your butt waiting for them to find you.” So be bold, make the first move. “A first move is nothing more than starting a conversation,” says Resnick. “It’s as simple as asking someone about the book he’s browsing at the bookstore or giving him an enthusiastic 'Hey' followed by 'I’m sorry, from over there you looked like an old friend of mine.' If you’re online, email a guy telling him what you liked about his profile. Really, it just comes down to saying hello to someone you’d like to know.”

It may have been a while since you last talked in depth about anything other than kids, homework or after-school activities, none of which makes for scintillating date night conversation. Even divorce talk, which seems to be an ideal way to bond if you’ve both got war stories to share, is really too heavy for the first few dates. Before your date think about things you can discuss other than your children, your ex and your divorce, says Los Angeles divorce recovery coach Jeanie Rule. Think about the activities you’re involved in; skim the headlines; catch up on your favorite blogs. This way, you’re more up to date on pop culture, news and ideas people are currently talking about. “If you have a broad range of topics to talk about, you’ll enjoy the evening more,” says Rule.

Imagining that your next date could be your new boyfriend/husband/step-father for your children is too much expectation to put into a get-to-know-you latte. So before you try on his last name for size or grill him about his views on attachment-style parenting, take a deep breath and a giant step back. “This is one date, a few hours max. Don’t go all Disney, like here’s Prince Charming,” cautions Rule. “Keep things in perspective and don’t over-analyze it. The date’s meant to be fun and give you a sense of whether you want to go out again.”

Learn to sail. Take dance lessons. Join a bowling team. Start doing things you’re interested in and you’ll naturally meet people who are doing them, too. This makes for the perfect dating situation, because you don’t have the pressure and pretense of an actual date. “You’re more relaxed, more natural, so guys get to meet the real you,” explains Monique Honaman, author of the post-divorce guide The High Road Has Less Traffic. She met her second husband at a high-school leadership event where they were both speakers. “Neither one of us was looking, but we connected because we both had a passion for this organization.”

Your ex has probably given you plenty of reasons to be angry and bitter. That’s totally valid and completely justifiable. Share your feelings with your therapist, friends or divorced women’s support group. Just don’t bring it out on your date. Rage is an instant mood killer. “A man asks you out because he wants the same things you do -- fun, companionship and great sex,” says Jacobs. “And he wouldn’t have asked you out if he didn’t want to be with you, so let your past history go and concentrate on getting to know this new man and letting him get to know you.”

If your habit has been to glide from one serious relationship to the next, dating a few men at once after your divorce can stop you from getting too attached to one man and falling headfirst into another potentially dead-end relationship. The way to make this work, says Paz, is to set some sexual boundaries. “Treat these guys like flirtatious friends you get together with for a drink, a movie, an afternoon of rollerblading as you figure out if you’re really compatible and attracted to each other. Maybe you hold hands, maybe there’s a kiss at the end of the date. But that’s it. Most women, once they have sex with a guy, get attached and then everyone else falls by the wayside. So setting physical boundaries in terms of how far you’ll go -- and how fast -- makes it easier for you to date several people casually.”

You don’t need to completely conceal your dating life from your kids, but they don’t need front row seats, either. Meeting a new man every Saturday night -- or discovering a different guy sacked out in Mom’s bed on Sunday mornings -- is confusing to young kids. They can’t make out how these guys fit into their lives, and it sends the wrong message about relationships and commitment to teens who are just starting to experiment with their own sexuality, says Honaman. “Even when I was dating my new husband, he didn’t meet my kids -- then 7 and 9 -- for months, because I only wanted them to meet someone who was important to me, not just the guy I was dating that week. When a man is going to be a steady presence in your life, then you can introduce him to your children as a `new friend,’ which is a concept kids can understand.”