Tuesday, September 7, 2010

The Lord Convicts

SO the third week (I think) of school is beginning, and Lord, I have much to do. I have been kind of blindly doing things, taking things for granted, and getting caught up in the whirlwinds of life here on campus, that I almost forgot entirely the reason I was here! Oh, Lord, why do I cause you so much pain?

I'm entirely broke, now- it's pathetic to see how I used the few dollars I have left in my name after making that first payment, there were so many things I could have relied on God for instead of relying on my own strength and spending money to acquire. A computer, for one... it died a week and a half ago, and I prayed but did not trust that God would deliver me a computer... so I bought a used one for alot of money (it was cheaper than new, but more expensive than free) and then God miraculously fixed my computer, and now I have spent/wasted money.

LORD- I dont know what you want to do with me, your plan is opening up for me in front of my eyes.

If it's not the Lord's will that I get a student loan, then what is his will? If it is his will that I work my payments off, then how can I accomplish that? Lord, give me more faith!

I may sound like I'm struggling, and in reality, I am... but not in the extent that I should be. Sometimes I take for granted that whatever's going to happen is going to happen, and I do very little to change it. Maybe I should be more proactive in dictating what sort of life I want to pursue, what sort of person I want to become. Sitting and watching will turn me into a woman of procrastination, of hesitation... and I want to be a woman of determination, of faith- who shows it by stepping out and fighting for what she believes in. Lord, I have failed you in so many ways, these past few weeks... give me the strength to tune my ears to your voice, give me the will to want to obey you.