Sunday Check-in; 5-1-16

Whoa, another week gone by, another check-in, another general lack of any progress in any area.

Yep.

No increase in exercise, and no weight loss and i didn’t do stuff i thought about doing that would have been fun and good for me. i did some binge eating and read two books from the Masters of The Castle series, which is a lot like candy for the brain.

i did some work stuff effectively, and dug myself out of an emotional pit that had captured me. i was not as productive as i would have liked. i blogged here every day, but no where else.

i felt a lot of sadness about my relationship with MP. It’s like living with a dear friend who’s not in good health. i love him, and don’t want to end our relationship, and i still want the things i thought we were going to have which proved elusive. He is not able to give me those things. A Gordian knot to untangle.

In other news – today is May 1, May Day, or Beltane.

“Beltane kicks off the merry month of May, and has a long history. This fire festival is celebrated on May 1 with bonfires, Maypoles, dancing, and lots of good old fashioned sexual energy. The Celts honored the fertility of the gods with gifts and offerings, sometimes including animal or human sacrifice”.

i found so many images to share:

And then i saw this – suggestions of how to create your own Beltane ritual. This is one with a focus on Honoring the Sacred Feminine with a Goddess Ritual. It starts with decorating your altar – and i have an altar, of sorts, i just haven’t used it in a long time, and it’s not set up at all anymore and MP’s dirty clothes baskets are taking up a lot of space around it. So i have some work to do just to get started.

In the ritual, i would start with a prayer to the Four Directions, which i have not done in a very long time. Then i would call on the goddesses – Isis and Ishtar and others who i don’t know, adding Hecate to the list they suggest. Hecate – goddess of journeys – is mine, the one that resonates with me, the one i follow.

The ritual goes on to name and honor the women in my life who have touched me, and that’s a long list. Finally, naming myself and honoring the mysterious and sacred feminine that flows through me – and through you too, even if you are male, because feminine energy is within all of us.

Just thinking about doing it feels good, and i need to figure out where in this house i can carve out some space just for myself. i have clutter and crap i need to get rid of, and MP has even more than i do. But today i need to not get overwhelmed with doing the whole house, i just need to find some sacred space for myself.

i celebrated Beltane by going to a workshop-movement for slaves. At the end, she encouraged us to move and then pause-right where we were, midmotion, and wait. Breathe. i did what seemed right for me, knelt and symbolically drew down the moon, like i was cradling the Goddess and the parts of me that long for a mother. i hope you found your way to making a ritual that feels right for you. One thing that helps me is when i remember to lay on my stomach and put my womb to the ground, because it seems an awful lot of times that is blocked in pain. Shame is held in our genitals too, so it makes sense to offer it all back to the earth, trusting it can be transformed into something else. i love you.

I was indeed thinking of you when I thought to symbolically draw down the moon. It is the motion of cradling and I wanted to offer up the longing-for both of us. 💙 I am very blessed that our souls crossed paths and our worlds have collided a few times over the years. You are one of two people that my life will feel incomplete without an embrace. One day. 💙

“The Road goes ever on and on Down from the door where it began. Now far ahead the Road has gone, And I must follow, if I can, Pursuing it with eager feet, Until it joins some larger way Where many paths and errands meet. And whither then? I cannot say” ~ J.R.R.Tolkien