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Yesterday - 4 years ago

I was going to write this post last night, but I didn't feel like doing much of anything....except loving on my kids. That's all my heart wanted and needed yesterday....and every day.

4 years ago, yesterday, was the day our lives were changed forever. Sometimes, it feels like yesterday. Then, I find myself wondering if it actually happened...it seems like it happened so long ago. Then, that ache in my heart starts to grow and build and I find myself crippled once again. That's when I'm brought back to reality. It's a reality I would have never, ever chosen for myself. Who would? But, it's mine, and it's a part of every single day.

4 years later, and there is still not a day that goes by that I don't think of him. Just like Collen and Charlotte run through my mind all day long - Ayden does, too. As the years pass, I don't expect this to change.

I don't know where I thought I'd be 4 years later. The last 4 years have felt like a lot of unexpected. At 28, I had experienced more loss than many people don't see until much, much later in life. At 27, the grim reality of life hit me - the rest of my life will be filled with loss. That's a dim realization; but it's the truth. But it isn't a perspective I like to carry with me daily; that would be incredibly depressing. I can't say I don't dwell on that, though. It's hard. Very hard. At 28, I had buried a child and then had to bury my dad....two people I thought I had many, many more years with....gone. Two people I never expected to lose. Through those losses, though, over the last 4 years, I've been able to shift my perspective from what I've lost to what they have gained.....not to look at the loss, but the blessing. Do I mean it was a blessing that my child passed away? ABSOLUTELY NOT. But the blessing for him and for my dad....they are in glory. They are not living in this fallen world. They are whole. And best of all...they're waiting for me. For my family. There is no goodbye....the pain is only temporary....a separation for now that will be no more someday (soon, I hope!).

With that said, and with that perspective in mind, it doesn't mean I don't miss them any less. Somedays, it's unbearable, and just functioning to make it through the day is about the best I can do. As many who are on this journey with me have said, the anticipation of the anniversary of "the day" is usually worse than the day itself. This has always been true for me. Friday was a terrible day. All week I had noticed my mood changing. The heaviness was settling it, and no matter how I tried to fight it, it wasn't lifting. It's strange how that happens....subconsciously, your grief starts to take hold as the anniversary nears. All of the emotions from "that day" start flooding back. Memories come back....and I still remember every moment of that day. I can still see his face when I dropped him off. I can remember, nearly word-for-word, the words from the voice on the other end of the phone. It is all still so clear. So as the day approaches, it hits hard.

Yesterday wasn't that bad. It was busy. I actually went home to help sort through of my grandma's belongings, and the kids napped at my mom's so Jeremy could catch up on work for school. So, my mind was busy with a lot of things. But my heart was with Ayden all day. Today, not so good. The day after is typically worse for me. 4 years ago, yesterday, I saw him. I have happy memories from that morning even though the rest of the day was a nightmare. But the next day, August 26th, began the journey I never imagined I'd be on. August 26th was my first day without my child. That was the day I woke up to silence, an empty room, toys...diapers...bottles....all to go unused. That was the day I had to plan my infant son's funeral. I had never seen a casket that small. I had to pick out the clothes he would wear. I had to come to grips with the fact that I would never hold him again. That was the day my new reality hit me, and my heart hasn't beat the same since.

4 years later, I still have "why" moments. It still doesn't make sense to me. He was fine. He was healthy. He knew how to roll over and had good control of his head. How did he just....die? I've accepted that I will never have the answers to these questions, and I don't ask nearly as much as I used to, but I think it will always be there.

Despite all of this, I have seen healing. God is amazing...let me just throw that out there. God and I have had some hard talks. I've blamed...accused...questioned...doubted...all of the above and more. There were moments when I thought I'd have to walk away from my faith altogether because I wasn't sure I believed strongly enough anymore. But I held on. I let Him walk me through step by step....and He was patient with me. Being a Christian is easy when things are good. This was the ultimate test, and I'm so glad my faith won out. I can look at my life and still say God is good. He has brought renewal to our lives. I still have tough days when I say, "Ok, Lord....give me some grace today. Just bear with me." I've had to look at my faith and question "Do I really believe this? When I read these scriptures and sing this worship music, do I mean it? Do I believe it in my heart?" The answer is a resounding YES.

This will never be easy. 4 years later, and I am still brought to tears at the thought of "that day" and all that we are missing without him here. The weight of the grief is not as heavy, but I continue to miss him more every day. Every day, we become one day closer to seeing him again. That keeps me moving....along with his two beautiful siblings who fill my days with laughter, purpose, and joy. Thank you to all of you who sent messages, texts, comments....just saying you were thinking of us and praying for us...and most all, remembering Ayden. He touched our lives in a way we never expected, and he continues to touch the lives of others. We are so very proud of Ayden, and we love him more and more each day.

Here are some photos of Ayden that are not the "typical" ones I post. <3 nbsp="" p="">
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4 comments:

You are so right about the anticipation being almost worse than the actual day. I dread the entire month of October because it holds the day I lost someone very very close to me. this year it will be 10 years and I wish it was just November allready. Every year leading up to it I re live that day. Still feels like yesterday. Yet such a long time since I have heard him tell me that he loved me or hugged me.

Oh friend, my daughter just celebrated her 4th birthday with The King too. I have been celebrating kingdom birthdays for 13 years now, I agree, it does not get easier but it takes so many changing shapes and the tide always changes in my heart.... it is the ebbing and flowing of the waves of grief. Praying for you.

Yes, I still pop in from time to time to check on your blog and how things are going. I just celebrated my Ethan's 4th birthday not long ago, and I remember being so drawn to your story because our sons were so close in age. Thinking of you!