going through the motions, and then deciding not to go through the motions...

still not sad...

i keep waiting. and waiting.

and i'm just not sad.

i'm happy. i am relieved.

and the weather broke. and it is impossible not to be in love with spring.

i feel in some ways like i have nothing to do. and yet i've been too busy to write.

scratch that. rewind. i've been too busy to write this.

i've been incredibly focused on the novel. it's so nearly complete, it's kinda bothering me to write this instead of finishing it.

i did the final edit, start to finish. and now all that are left are the entries for each of the characters' dreams. they're all really short, and i have more than half of them written. i just have to type them in and edit before i send 1st drafts out to my closest friends for input/edits.

it's so exciting. i just want to finish, because there are so many things in this life that i start and do not finish. and this is not going to be one of them. i've been saying for a month that it is almost done, almost done. and it's true, but i just couldn't spend the time on it. until this past weekend. when i really did nearly finish the thing.

the story is done. just these stupid journal entries... in any case. it is my plan to send it out THIS VERY EVENING!! nate is demanding to be the first, since he inspired me initially, and he lets me edit his novels.

and then the rest will follow.

thanks in advance. (i think all of my editors are the only people who read this blog.) and... heads up!

yesterday was a crazy day for me. totally emotionally draining. i vented to poor kit, who joined in the fury and the bitchfest i'd started all on my own.

of course, it was because i had to go to the house and deal with ever. and there were shenanigans. fucker.

first, i must back up to get into it. you know, set the stage.

from the outset of our splitting, i had agreed to help him one day a week with the business. mondays.

he pissed me off initially because he called this weekend. he wanted to talk about some things, after flaking on plans to spend a bit of time at the house with him.

which, whatever. i had fun with alice and was better off not going to that dirty, sad house. he was switching his anti-anxiety meds and had asked that i come over, because he was worried about how he was going to do with the switch.

i felt bad for him, and worried for him, so i agreed to. then he canceled on me. and wanted to talk to me that day on the phone instead.

i went by to pick up some cash he 'owed' me, and a computer cable.

he wanted to make sure that we could talk later. (maybe three times he asked me?)

yes. yes. yes. i'll call you later.

so i hung with alice during the afternoon/early evening. and then was doing stuff online. and i got hungry. so i made a pizza and decided to call him then. it was 1030.

and one of the first things he says is 'are you eating?? i'll just talk to you later.'

i asked, 'is it BOTHERING you? i can stop. if you want to talk, let's just talk.'

i don't know. he wanted to get off on the right foot, i suppose. by being a douche from the start.

so i'm sitting on the phone, eating as quietly as i can. and i ask him what he wanted to talk about.

and he didn't say anything.

so i'm eating more.

nothing.

i finally said, 'you wanted to talk. what do you want to talk about?'

is he just trying to tie up my time? it wasn't making any sense.

so he wanted to talk about the house. fine. whatever. he wants me to explain how he can buy me out. or what other options might be. so i did. and he came to the same conclusion i did. none of those options work.

he had already told me by this conversation that he had roommates lined up. twice on thursday and again in that conversation.

so i was pretty confused about why he posted something about needing roommates online. because if he had roommates who were ready to pay first and last rent, why the hell would he need to publicize it? i asked him. he said there were two reasons. one was, a backup plan. two was, to see if he could get more money from someone else than the people who are moving in.

i don't know. it was after a long day of cleaning up after him, as far as bills are related. i split our cell phone family plan, starting taking him off of my accounts, and putting things in his name. i told him to handle his half. when i called the next day to check on mine, he still hadn't handled his.

so i did it for him.

i know i shouldn't have. but whatever.

he was stoned, as per the usual. and he just kept sitting on the phone not saying anything, asking me if i had anything to say. finally i told him that i was going to go, because i don't have anything to say to him.

so i did.

i started edward scissorhands, and worked on the novel.

and the next day, cried my eyes out to the second half of the movie (winona says 'hold me' and johnny says 'i can't' - fucking LOST it... and winona says 'i love you' and johnny's face lights up... gawd).

and worked on the novel.

made so much progress. it was great.

ok. so. back to yesterday.

so i go to the house straight from work, because that was the plan. and he and the intern weren't there. so i text him and say that i'm there and that i don't have a lot of time, because i had so much of my coffee work to do.

and he says, just leave then.

fucking BABY.

so i say, no. that wasn't the plan. how long until you are back?

so he says 30 minutes. so i wait.

and he walks in 30 minutes later.

and i don't remember how. but he starts talking shit.

in front of the intern. saying how i'm getting shitfaced all the time, and posting pictures of it on facebook.

just completely berating me in front of the intern. embarrassing.

and i stopped him.

i said that i've only been shitfaced once since i was 21. and that there weren't pics of it (not ENTIRELY true. december, anyone? most of those pics didn't get posted though)

he kept going on and on about who i am now, and that all i do is get shitfaced.

it was really unfair. and as soon as the intern left the room, i laid him out.

'i am NOT here for you to belittle in front of her. i am here to help you. and if you can't stop being a DICKHEAD, then i'm going to leave. and i'm not going to help you. the new and improved you sucks. and i don't have to sit here and take this. pull yourself together and treat me with respect.'

and he made a bunch of faces and whatever.

'and you are putting the intern in an awkward position by doing this in front of her. she probably wouldn't tell you. but this is between you and me. and not anyone else. so quit.'

and blank stares.

i just kept sorting through tax stuff and helping the intern with her work, which is what i was there to do.

so she finished her work, and i looked it over. and grabbed my bag to leave. by that point, i was really highly pissed. and i just wanted to leave.

and he asked if i'd come up for a cigarette before i left. i just looked at him like 'you can't be serious'.

but this is how he makes amends.

i don't know. he had this story about people sending him pictures of me drinking. or being what he called shitfaced.

and the one day in particular was this beer sampling day at a bar here. and i did get tipsy. it was the first time i remember drinking that early in the day (maybe 1 or 2 pm?). but i went home to hang with him after that. and obviously he didn't think i was shitfaced then, because he would've said something.

so that didn't make any sense. not to mention that he was saying 'they' sent him pictures and said 'look what she has become. you're better off.' or 'this is who she really is. you're not missing out.' something like that.

i don't know. i was getting so angry, because he wouldn't tell me who did it.

and i just kept telling him, 'if someone you thought was your friend was being a tool and talking shit about you behind your back, i'd tell you. at least, if nothing else, so you would know to watch what you say to that person. and i don't understand why you won't tell me.'

and all he could say was that he didn't need to say because it wouldn't happen again. he put an end to it, and told 'them' that 'they' shouldn't send him things like that anymore. because we're trying to work things out and it isn't helpful.

i'm just like, 'who is it? i want to not be their friend on fb anymore. i don't want them to have access. i don't need that drama in my life. i don't want to think that someone respects me who doesn't. i won't say anything.'

he kept telling me to stop yelling at him. my voice was raised, because i was fuming. but i wasn't yelling at him.

anyways, long story short. i left after a smoke without saying goodbye. and then the texting started. he was telling me that no one hates me. and that it's all in my head.

and i'm with kit. and it's not making sense. in explaining to her the earlier conversation, and then his texts, it just didn't gel.

and as i wrote him back a line, it fucking hit me.

over the head. like an iron skillet.

he was saying that two people that i love dearly, who i most worried about losing over this, were fine. and i said everyone else can fuck off if they're going to be so high school. drama and all. and that i was blocking all of them. and that i don't have the time or energy for any of the bullshit. and that i don't understand why he won't tell me who it is.

and he said that i'm being hypersensitive and that no one hates me. and that it's all in my head.

which wasn't making sense, because he'd already given me three examples of 'people' talking about me to him.

and as i was typing back, FRYING PAN OVER THE HEAD.

i was saying that i just couldn't figure out who would do that, and that i outgrew gossip in college. and that he cares more about not telling me who it is, that about its effect on me.

oh. my. god.

this is the exact same thing as the night of the 'i have to talk to you' conversation about having roommates that he can't tell me who they are, but that i have to be out of the house in two weeks.

same fucking thing. top to bottom.

he just went fishing and spying.

and he just flipped out.

and he just wanted me to think it was about other people. but it isn't. it's just him.

and that's why it's 'all in my head'. because he fucking put it there. and none of those people are doing anything to me.

'they' and 'them' is really he and him.

and i called him on it, and turned off my phone.

FUCK HIM. fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck him.

i said, 'wow. this is an awful lot like those imaginary roommates you had, that you couldn't tell me who they were. pretty fucking familiar.'

and what did he do?

changed the subject.

wanted to know if i had a prescription to pick up at rite aid.

FUCKING TWO YEAR OLD.

kid with his hand in the cookie jar. 'mommy, LOOK!'

she might look the first time. but she caught you anyways.

and she won't fall for it again.

and that is me.

and i'm STILL angry about it.

it took me five hours to figure it out.

not bad, for a learning curve.

thing is, i can't help but to feel completely unsettled. because if he is doing this so much right now, and i'm just now catching him in lies and calling him on it, how long has he been playing me this way?