A blog written in the dead of night and delivered to you in a brown paper bag. It’s a cornucopia of tidbits, rants, and observations for the discerning eye. Good luck with all that. Now, for something completely different!

Welcome to another moment of I couldn’t get it right if I tried. In Fairfield, Conn. Police say they had ample warning of a bank robbery because the two suspects called the bank ahead of time and told an employee to get a bag of money ready. I suppose they wanted them to shove it out through the drive-up window too. Police arrested 27-year-old Albert Bailey and an unidentified 16-year-old boy on robbery and threatening charges Tuesday afternoon at a People’s United Bank branch in Fairfield. I’m just imagining how this conversation must have gone: “Hello, May I help you?” “Yes, we’ll be by in just a few minutes and my partner and I are going to pob your bank. Could you be so kind as to have the money ready when we arrive.” “Why sir that won’t be a problem at all. We’re looking forward to doing business with you.” Sgt. James Perez says the two Bridgeport residents showed up about 10 minutes after making the call and were met by police in the parking lot. There’s nothing like crooks phoning in their own tip. Perez told the Connecticut Post the suspects were “not too bright.” Well, it goes to show you that making reservations is good for some things, bank robbery, not so good. Lesson learned? You need to actually have an IQ to be a thief.

Give Me All of Your Money and Don’t tell My Mom.

In this little story more ineptitude abounds. A teen robber asked a clerk not to “tell my mom” what he’d done before fleeing from the scene of his attempted hold-up in a Salt Lake City store. I have to admit, after that, the first thing I would do is call his mom. If he’s more afraid of her than the cops. that’s saying something about mom. Police said the teenager went into a convenience store early last Saturday morning and approached the counter with numerous items. So far so good. As the clerk put his supposed purchases through the till, the would-be thief tried to sneak behind him and hold a knife to his neck. A knife? If you’re going to enter a life of crime, you need real weapons. But the quick-thinking clerk spun around with his hands up and hit the teenager in the face, knocking him to the floor. I’m betting this kid was a computer geek that ran out of munchies playing World of Warcraft and thought the magic knife he got from the Dwarven master would hold its own in the real world. Wrong. Just before he took off, the teen asked his victim not to call the police and added: “Don’t tell my mom.” That really worked. Now its all over the internet and everyone knows. I hope your mom takes your WOW account away from you.

Shaman Tells Blind Man LSD Laced Gherkins Are Cure

We’re just full of them today. A “mystic” has been jailed for eight months after claiming he could cure a blind man by feeding him gherkins laced with LSD. How do you convince someone of that? “Eat this pickle man, it’s magic. It’ll cure what ails you.” Jobless hairdresser Patrick Baecker, 35, posed as a mystic healer and told Axel Pfeffer he would make him see for £20,000. (approx 40,000 USD) Apparently it didn’t work. Imagine that. The court in Fehmarn, Germany, heard how the former motorcyclist had tried everything to restore his sight after losing it in a crash. Yes lawyers are good at putting that poor poor pitiful me spin on things. Quick reality check, dude you paid a lot of money to a hairdresser who told you he’d cure you with a pickle. I bet they weren’t even brand name pickles. Baecker fed him pickles laced with powerful mind-bending hallucinogenic drugs to induce visions. You’ll see alright, but we didn’t guarantee what. “You are a hairdresser, not a shaman,” Judge Markus Faerber told Baecker in court. He’s also not a very good con man. Jail time for you.

Drunk Man Tries to Revive Opossum

We now round out our collection of screw-ups and yo-yos with this tasty tidbit. Police say they charged a Pennsylvania man with public drunkenness after he was seen trying to resuscitate a dead opossum along a highway. I wonder if the opossum is playing ‘possum? Now the other question… CPR or Mouth to Mouth? State police in Punxsutawney say several witnesses saw 55-year-old Donald Wolfe, of Brookville, near the animal Thursday afternoon. Hey, isn’t that the place where they have the official groundhog for Groundhog’s Day? Isn’t his name Phil? Maybe the guy thought he was saving Phil’s life, a hero of the community and all that. No, I’m not buying it either. Police arrested him along the highway, Route 36, in Oliver Township, about 65 miles northeast of Pittsburgh. A state police news release did not specify how Wolfe was allegedly trying to revive the roadkill. And we thank them for that. That may have just been too much information.

I keep hoping this guy was just out LARPing and got seperated from his Dungeons and Dragons group. In Bainbridge Island, Wash., Police have detained a man who was found wielding a sword in a parking lot where he said he was “hunting werewolves and chuds.” Sounds like LARPing to me. For those that aren’t geeky enough, LARP stands for Live Action Role Playing. Now you’re all caught up and you can laugh the jokes. At approximately 1:45 p.m. Tuesday, police responded to reports of the man aggressively waving a sword around and stabbing objects in a parking lot. That’s the first place I’d look for werewolves. Officers found the shirtless man standing in front of the store with a large nanite sword in his hand. The man had several scrapes and cuts on his body, officers said. Forsooth it seems he’s engaged the foul beasts. When instructed to put down the knife, the 35-year-old man did so without incident. Officers also found on the man several throwing knives and other sharp weapons. He’s hunting werewolves, did you think he’d be unarmed? The man told investigators he was “hunting werewolves and chuds” who, in many cases, take the form of humans. Based on this information, the officers took the man to Harrison Memorial Hospital for an evaluation. Good decision. Officers said the man had also been spotted approaching customers and displaying his sword and knifes near Ace Hardware in the past. Ace Hardware, a front for a clan of Werewolves? Hmm, the guy in the power tool section did look a little…naw.

Vampire Attacks Cabbie During Robbery

Wow, more vampire stuff, all of a sudden they seem to be coming out of their coffins. New York police are hunting a “vampire” attacker who bit a taxi driver during an attempted robbery. The man attempted to rob the cab driver after allegedly pulling out a semi-automatic handgun. I think I might have handed over the cash. The sight of guns do that to me. When the driver refused to hand over any cash, the man proceeded to bite the driver on the neck. Bites were found on the drivers neck, arm and back. Sounds more like a mad dog than a vampire. I hope he got his rabies shots. The ‘vampire’ fled the scene of the attack shortly afterwards, after failing to steal anything from the cab. Another sucessful day in the world of inept crime. The attacker only began his attempt once he had arrived at his chosen destination near Bronx Community College. Get out the stakes, light the torches, his coffin must be nearby.

Duct Tape not acceptable for silencing the little woman

A Florida man was sentenced to 90 days in jail and a year probation for binding his girlfriend’s hands and taping her mouth shut “so she would listen.” OK, I admit, I’ve had these moment where, yes, I thought about it. But dude, you don’t actually do it. Kevin John Franco of Port St. Lucie pleaded no contest to felony false imprisonment, misdemeanor battery and tampering with a witness after the sleeping woman woke to find him binding her hands with heavy-duty plastic ties. I have to ask, what’s with this tampering with a witness charge? During the October 2008 incident, he also taped her mouth shut with duct tape, TC Palm reports. He apparently wanted her to listen real good. The victim was able to free herself as Franco ripped the phones out of the wall. Uh, Oh, I’m sensing a poorly done tie job here. She used a cell phone to call police. The 34-year-old man admitted to police that he tied her hands and taped her mouth “only so she would listen.” I wonder if the judge will listen. I bet he won’t be able to duct tape him.

Woman Calls Police to Get Her Out of Jail

Ever come across one of those people that just seems to have something missing? This would be one of those people. 29-year-old Carly Houston was arrested in Naperville, Illinois after she allegedly screamed and swore at a taxi driver when he asked for directions to her destination, and then refused to pay the fare when police showed up. Obviously she has issues. She was arrested and taken to the local police station, where she was offered the chance to make a call to a friend or family member. So far so good, but here’s where it all goes so wrong. Instead Houston used the call to dial 911, which connected her to Naperville police dispatchers, to whom she reported that she was “trapped inside the detention facility.” Ok, what brain process could have happened here that could remotely make this seem like it was a good idea? Unfortunately for her, the Naperville police department proved strangely reluctant to free her from the clutches of the Naperville police department. Imagine that. Instead, she was charged with “theft of labor or services,” criminal trespass, disorderly conduct and, for good measure, making a false 911 report. somehow I’m guessing, all that shouting she was doing at the cabbie somehow was carried over to the arrest and frankly, they’d heard enough.

Right now I’m laughing pretty hard. There just seems somthing so appropriate about a Vampire in politics. Maybe it’s all of the “sucking the country dry” jokes I’m currently thinking of. Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey wants to move to Washington, D.C., to become the nation’s first vampire president. Well, with that nickname, it ought to make for some interesting foreign policy. Sharkey, 45, spent Friday on a Greyhound bus with his new fiancee, Audrianna Foster, a 19-year-old girl from Ohio he met online. She too believes she is a vampire, or vampyre. Well, he should fit right in, he already has the arm candy wife. “The Impaler” claims he’s a direct descendent of Vlad II the Impaler, better known as Dracula. And people holler about Obama’s lineage, good luck finding the birth certificate on this one. He has scheduled a Monday press conference in Tampa to announce his plans to file paperwork to run for President of the United States in 2012. He recently switched his party affiliation from Independent to Republican so he can run with the G.O.P. He should fit right in with those bloodsuckers. He ran for Governor of Minnesota in 2006 and also had short-lived bids for U.S. Senate in 2000, U.S. President in 2004, and U.S. President in 2008. Hey maybe third time’s the charm. Anyway, let’s check out Sharkey’s record shall we? He’s accused of “brainwashing a 16-year-old in Minnesota. That should prepare him for politics. The two were engaged until last month. Her family now has a restraining order against Sharkey and claims his texts to her violate it. He reportedly admitted to harrassing another 16-year-old Minnesota girl online in 2009. I think I’m noticing a pattern here. Dude wake up, they’re not old enough to vote. He was arrested in Tennessee several years ago and is currently on probation from Indiana after he was found guilty in 2009 of intimidating a judge. I like that one. He’ll fit right in in Washington. He served six months in a Marion Co. jail before his release. Sources confirm the Secret Service has had to keep him on its radar, since he moves around the country. Well, they might as well get used to it. If he wins they’ll have to protect him…from Vampire Hunters. Is Buffy still 16?

Leprechaun Bank Robber in Nashville

It appears this Leprechaun had lost his pot of gold and wanted to replace it with bank notes. A man dressed in green and carrying a large-caliber gun held up a branch of the First State Bank in the Nashville, Tennessee, suburb of Gallatin on St. Patrick’s Day, said police spokesman Sergeant Bill Storment. The costumed man, wearing a green top hat, vest and shorts and a fake brown beard and wig, had previously gone into the Fifth Third Bank next door, according to its manager Sharon Riehemann, when the bank lobby was crowded with lunchtime customers. “He started to come in, then looked at his watch, then turned around and left,” she said. Apparently there wasn’t enough gold in that one. “He then walked toward the other bank, and a couple of minutes later he ran out of the bank with a blue bag in his hands,” Riehemann said. Police said two men were in the car that sped away, and that they fired at police during the chase, disabling one police car. Storment said the two ditched their vehicle and ran into a field near a subdivision. “They were killed while exchanging fire with officers,” he said. Isn’t it bad luck to shoot a Leprechaun. He apparently had run out of lucky charms as well. No officers were injured, and money was recovered from the suspects’ vehicle, he said. The robbers should have stuck with green beer.

The Crooked House Pub

Here’s a drunkard’s dream if I ever did see one. The appropriately named Crooked House has been labelled Britain’s drunkest inn, and for good reasons. Glasses regularly slide across tables at the Georgian pub and coins appear to roll up, rather than down, the bar. This would be so much fun. The tavern, which was built as a farmhouse in 1785, got its design fault through settling of the ground caused by mining during the 1800s. It means that one end of the Crooked House is 1.2m (4ft) lower than the other. So, if it feels like you’re walking uphill to get a brew, you are. The alehouse in the Staffordshire village of Himley has become a big tourist draw. “I look after 1,800 pubs for Marston’s and this is definitely the one that leans the most,” said Sonny Mann, property surveyor for the brewery. I wonder how much sampling of the local wares he does? “The pub’s quite safe though and hasn’t moved for ages. We use special ‘glass tails’ over cracks on the walls – if the glass breaks then we know it’s moving again.” It’s either that or another drunk has fallen off his stool, rolled downhill and collected in the corner. “Hey bartender, set me up again, would you?” I’m thinking, drinking here would be a perceptual challenge. After a few pints, aiming for the door might be a project.

Some guys are just really hard up. Love can take many forms. A Korean man has fallen in love with and married, a large pillow with a picture of a woman on it. I don’t even want to have to picture the honeymoon. Lee Jin-gyu fell for his ‘dakimakura’ – a kind of large, huggable pillow from Japan which has an image of Fate Testarossa, from the ‘magical girl’ anime series Mahou Shoujo Lyrical Nanoha. Talk about not getting out of the house. A little pillow talk anyone? Recently he wed the pillow in a special ceremony, after fitting it out with a wedding dress for the service in front of a local priest. I would have loved to see the look on the priest’s face when Lee approached him with this one. “I want to marry my pillow and I would like you to perform the service.” Personally, I think I might have put in a call to the local shrink. “He is completely obsessed with this pillow and takes it everywhere,” said one friend. I suppose that would make for a cheap date and you don’t have to worry if you’re going to get turned down about spending the night. “They go out to the park or the funfair where it will go on all the rides with him. Then when he goes out to eat he takes it with him and it gets its own seat and its own meal,” other friends commented. He has friends? I might be inclined to keep him at a distance… of several miles.

Don’t Buy Drugs with Money Printed by Parker Brothers

A Kansas man told police officers that he had been beaten and left with a head wound after he tried to buy drugs using Monopoly money. Right from the start that just sounds like a brilliant idea. If they would have killed him this would have been a Darwin Award. The unidentified 33-year-old was pulled over in a traffic stop in Wichita, Kansas last Thursday, and was found to be bleeding from the head. He told officers he had attempted to buy several hundred dollars worth of crack cocaine using money from the popular Parker Brothers Monopoly game. This guy just reeks with stupidity. No wonder they beat him. He uses fake money and tells the cops. To even think this would work proves the guy had to be on drugs. Police spokesman Gordon Bassham said: “The man from whom he had bought the drugs was upset and invited him over to his house and upon arrival struck him in the head several times with a handgun and other people jumped into the fray.” The man’s injuries were not serious, and he has now stopped cooperating with the police’s investigation. Authorities are still searching for his assailants. I bet they’re not searching for them over the assault though.

Breast Milk Cheese

OK, when my wife gave birth and was lactating, I did not think “Wow maybe we can make cheese out of this.” Silly me. Daniel Angerer, head chef at Klee Brasserie in New York, has created breast milk cheese for experimental customers from his wife’s excess breast milk. I guess I missed the boat on that one. After giving birth to their daughter, his wife produced so much breast milk the pair began to freeze the excess. This led to Daniel beginning to wonder if he could use the ingredient in his culinary creations. I thought there were health laws against these kinds of things. Are his wife’s boobs FDA approved? He took his concept to his kitchen, and has since created the special breast milk cheese. Matured for a fortnight, Daniel describes the taste as “Just like really sweet cow’s milk. It wasn’t like, ‘Hey, this is such an amazing cheese.’ It’s just like, ‘Can you use human milk? Yes, you absolutely can!'” I have to admit, that’s not much of an endorsement. Any customer at Daniel’s restaurant can order his breast milk cheese, obviously for a limited time only. Better hurry, he might soon run out of his mediocre tasting cheese. I’ll stick with cheddar.

I'm an Author, Journalist, Columnist, Photographer, Editor and Publisher and have been writing for about 30 years. For several years I published my own magazine about Michigan's Upper Peninsula. I live in Sault Sainte Marie, Michigan. Currently I've been blogging around the internet - MAKE SURE YOU CHECK OUT MY OTHER HUMOR BLOG "What Were They Thinking?" AT: http://mikelclassen.wordpress.comTo learn more about the writer behind the blog, go his website at www.mikelclassen.com Sign the guestbook while you're there.