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Shifting Roles in Abusive Relationships

Abusive relationships can be very difficult to understand. They cause so much
real pain and suffering to so many people. One way to get some perspective is to
think in terms of a psychology that combines three roles – abuser, victim, and
rescuer. The three roles are bound together in one powerful "dance."
When there is an "abuser," there is also a "victim" and a
"rescuer." "Victims" have "abusers," and they also
have "rescuers." "Rescuers" have to have "victims"
and "abusers."

To understand what is going on in an abusive situation, we need to ask –
who is the "abuser"? Who is the "victim"? Who is the
"rescuer"? We won’t have an effective understanding of the situation
until all three actors are identified.

Jane is the victim of Sam’s abuse. Her ex-boyfriend tries hard to get her
out of this abusive situation. His "rescuing," however, completes
the psychological triad of roles and, unknowingly, reinforces the
"dance."

It is important to recognize that these roles can also shift. Today’s
"rescuer" may have been yesterday’s "abuser." Yesterday’s
"victim" may today be a "rescuer." If you observe long
enough, you will see a person shift from one role to another. Although the roles
may change, the game stays the same.

Dave was seriously abused as a child. As an adult, he is very concerned
about helping victims of abuse, rescuing even stray animals. However, he has
moments when he gets very frustrated and experiences a disturbing impulse to
lash out. Sometimes, he can become very scared and flooded by a dreadful sense
of guilt, like a child who expects to be punished and even feels that he
deserves it.

In this way, abusive relationships can spread. "Abusers" create
"victims" and "rescuers"; "victims" recruit
"rescuers" and "abusers"; and "rescuers" find
"victims" and "abusers."

Dorothy promised herself that she would never be abusive to her children in
the way her mother was to her. However, she often feels that her children are
taking advantage of her and feels abused all over again. This angers her and
she can "lose it" with her children. Unknowingly, her children have
been recruited into Dorothy’s dance and have been given "parts" to
play, part which they learn well and begin to enact.

Ironically, each person involved in an abusive situation is somehow playing each
role. An "abuser" may also be a "victim" and a
"rescuer"; a "victim" may also be "abuser" and a
"rescuer"; and a "rescuer" may also be a "victim"
and an "abuser."

Some individuals may feel uncomfortable with this perspective. People may not
want to see that an "abuser" has also been a "victim" and
has tried to be a "rescuer," often of the very person whom he is
abusing, believing that this viewpoint lets the abuser "off the
hook." It may also be hard to acknowledge that a "victim" can
also be an "abuser," or that a "victim" may really be trying
to "rescue" his or her "abuser"; some may interpret this as
"blaming the victim." Another challenging notion is that
"rescuers" can also turn out to be "abusers" and
"victims." For instance, if a "rescuer" becomes frustrated
in his or her attempts to "rescue" a "victim," then it
becomes very easy for the "rescuer" to begin to feel like a victim and
then to "blame the victim" abusively.

Mark, who was sexually abused as a child, became a therapist to help abused
children. He is intent on ferreting out the "truth" and can become
very insistent that his child clients be truthful about being abused, even to
the point of threatening them with hospitalization to "break
through" their denial. He is a "rescuer," "abuser,"
and "victim," all rolled into one.

Often people want to claim one role and deny that they have played any of the
other roles. "I am a rescuer – not an abuser." "I refuse to be
a victim." "I am a victim – not an abuser." However, from our
psychological perspective, we can begin to see that, if a person claims one of
these roles and denies the others, then that person must find someone else to
play the denied roles, or at least proclaim that someone else is
"really" the "abuser" (or "victim" or
"rescuer").

Diane was shocked that her in-laws were demanding visitation with her
children. Sadly, her marriage to Jeffrey had broken up largely because of
Jeffrey’s own experience of abuse by his parents, which was repeated in his
marriage to Diane. But now Jeffrey’s parents were taking her to court and
"pretending" to be loving grandparents who were victimized by Diane
and possibly by the judge. Their steadfast denial has infuriated Diane, who is
having thoughts of revenge.

However controversial this perspective of shifting roles may be, it can help
answer some frustrating questions. For instance, people often get frustrated
trying to rescue victims. In these cases, the victim who is resisting being
rescued may not consider himself or herself to be a "victim." Instead,
they see themselves as a "rescuer" of their "abuser," whom they
see as the "victim." They may also feel that their "abuser"
is their only real "rescuer" and that their "victim"
behavior may be a way of transforming their "abuser" into being their
"rescuer." Some victims admire their abuser, who puts into action an
aggressiveness that they themselves have suppressed – "at least he knows
how to fight for what he wants."

Sue’s parents are very concerned about their daughter’s boyfriend, Tom.
He has a bad temper and they have just learned that he hits Sue. They are even
more upset that Sue defends Tom and resists their demands that she
break up with him. Sue sees Tom as a nice person who grew up in a horrible
family situation. She loves him and is trying to help him get his life
together. She believes that he loves her and won’t let anyone else hurt her.

It is not unusual for an abusive relationship to begin as a "rescue
relationship." If you are having problems dealing with someone in an
"abusive relationship," you could try shifting your perspective
slightly to see the relationship as a "rescue relationship" which has
developed problems. If you are not getting anywhere telling a "victim"
to leave their abuser or telling an "abuser" to stop brutalizing their
victim, you may have greater success by emphasizing your appreciation of how
they have tried to "rescue" each other, and how that rescuing is no
longer working out very well.

Mary came to counseling at the insistence of just about everybody in her
life. Her husband was abusing her. Noting that her family’s pleading and her
friend’s advise to leave "the abuser" had not worked, her
counselor asked her about when the relationship had been a "good
one." Mary seemed relieved and described how she had helped Frank get off
the street and off drugs. The counselor could see how much this had meant to
Mary and how scared Mary was now that Frank was rejecting her help. The
counselor gained her trust by observing that Frank must be "hurting
inside."

This leads to words of warning. If you get involved in trying to do
something about an abusive relationship, you yourself will, in all likelihood,
be pulled into this dance of abuser-victim-rescuer with its shifting roles. We
all have these roles in us, ready to be triggered. Be prepared to be cast
into each of the roles and to have each role connect with something in yourself.

So what hope is there? Do the "roles" always take over? Is
there any way out of this psychological trap? The first basis for hope and for
effective action is to be aware of this dance, to become more and more expert in
detecting its various manifestations in others and within yourself. Develop
"triple vision," the ability to see all three roles.

Secondly, it may help to try out the paradoxical idea that each of these
three roles has a deeper truth and usefulness that needs to be embraced to put
an end to the abuse. Sometimes we need to be "abusive" to forcefully
intervene. Sometimes, we need to appreciate the "victim’s" wisdom of
patiently tolerating suffering. Sometimes, we need to "rescue" or be
"rescued," even if it gets complicated or is unappreciated. We can
also explore whether the "deeper truths" of these three roles somehow
foster a judgment about suffering that can inform and support a renewed
willingness to take action.

Thirdly, we can develop a sympathetic regard for those persons involved, no
matter what roles they play. This does not mean justifying their
role-governed actions. People should be held morally and legally accountable for
the damage they do. However, sympathetic regard for the suffering that is at the
core of this dance may be a way of liberating others and ourselves from a
psychological trap to which we are all vulnerable.

Date published: 3/8/00 3:47:02 PM

Last reviewed:
By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on
9 Oct 2013
Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.

It is common sense to take a method and try it; if it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something. -- Franklin D. Roosevelt