Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Days of Gloom and Sorrow

INT – OVAL OFFICE – DAYPRESIDENT OBAMA is slumped at his desk in the Oval Office, which is cluttered with papers, binders, empty cigarette cartons and discarded McDonalds’ wrappers. He appears exasperated, and rubs his brow feverishly. A pile of cigarette butts fills an ashtray on the desk. VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN enters, carrying a six-pack of beer.

BIDEN Hey, POTUS! What’s up? (beat) Man, you look really down!

OBAMAHave you seen these poll numbers? Our party is going to get chewed up this year! Republicans are predicted to get the House and maybe the Senate. My mandate is over, Joe. I’ve failed.

(Biden pops open a beer and deftly chugs it like a frat boy. He crushes the empty can against his forehead and emits a deafening belch. Biden pauses to gauge Obama’s stony reaction.)

Say, you are really worried! Look, Barry, you shouldn’t fret about this. Maybe we can go out and grab a few cheeseburgers after the election or something. I know how you like stuffing yourself with junk food.

OBAMASorry, Joe, but a Ray’s Hell Burger with mustard and brie isn’t going to cut it this time. I’m really in a funk. The American people just don’t understand that I’m trying to help them. I was handed this crappy economy and this war.

BIDENIt just ain’t fair, champ.

OBAMATell me about it! The rise of the Tea Party movement put the kibosh on my plans. They refer to me as an elitist, as if studying hard and moving up the social echelons are bad things. Having media whores like Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck calling me a socialist is one thing, but when an army of unwashed, angry Americans waving the flag and dressing like colonial soldiers does it, it’s an epidemic. Sure, they hate me because I’m an intelligent black man with power, but the socialist label really hurt.

BIDENWell, those negative labels stuck.

OBAMARight! How did that happen? Did they seriously want the auto industry to fail? Did they want massive unemployment? Now the independents are sick of me, and they’re the ones who put my over the top in 2008.

BIDENWhat a difference two years makes.

OBAMAI’ve got Democrats fighting each other and resisting me. I mean, the health care bill wasn’t perfect, but it was better than what we had.

BIDENSir, you tried doing too much too soon. Fixing health care right away? We should’ve gone after the economy. Gotten those pissed off people jobs. Worked better with the Republicans instead of blathering about bipartisanship. We also should’ve cut Pelosi and Reid loose. Gotten some new blood in there.

OBAMAI still can’t look at Pelosi without flinching.

BIDENYeah, that broad creeps me out, too.

(Obama lights another cigarette and inhales deeply. He puffs out smoke rings that hover over the Oval Office like a carcinogenic nimbus.)

OBAMAHear about the Democrat running for governor in Rhode Island? Frank Caprio? Told the press because I didn’t endorse him that I could shove it.

BIDENThat fucking ungrateful prick! Want me to go up there and rough him up? I’ll do it. Just tell me! I’ll nail him to a tree in Woonsocket.

OBAMAI don’t think that would be a good headline: “Vice President mauls gubernatorial candidate.” Besides, violence is what the other side does.

BIDENWith all due respect, sir, the other side is winning.

OBAMADon’t remind me. They depict me as some effete Ivy League intellectual who’s out of touch with their suffering. I mean, I play basketball! I eat cheeseburgers! I smoke! That’s not folksy enough for them? What should I do next, grow a mullet and ride a Harley?

BIDENThat would probably help…

OBAMAWhat?

BIDENThe people are pissed off, sir. They’re angry because the country is changing and they need someone to blame.

OBAMAIf I hear anyone else say they want to take their country back, I’m going to go all Samuel L. Jackson on their asses.

BIDENThe Tea Party activists don’t merely disagree with your policies. They hate you personally. This isn’t a land of clear-thinking, rational adults anymore. It’s a morass of 24-hour news stations, insane talk show hosts and superstitious religious fundamentalists who believe you’re literally the antichrist.

OBAMAI could deal with crazy. Logic always trumps hollow rhetoric.

BIDENNot this time, sir. This time, the crazies will take over the asylum. Democrats will be the new endangered species. Now people want hollow rhetoric. When they’re told what to think, they won’t bother questioning anything.

OBAMAI think I’ll have that beer, Joe.

(Biden gives Obama a beer. Obama pops the can and takes a few tentative sips, his face wincing.)

Domestic beer? Really, Joe?

BIDENSorry, sir, but we were all out of that expensive imported Dutch stuff you drink out of a solid gold stein.

OBAMAI guess this'll do. (beat) Am I really that out of touch and unlikable?

BIDENYour approval rating is at 37 percent. That’s not too shabby.

OBAMAThat’s abysmal!

BIDENOkay, it’s pretty awful. Sir, we might lose the Senate as well. There’s this goofy girl named Christine O’Donnell running for Senate in my home state. She’s a Tea Party Republican who doesn’t understand the First Amendment and believes God selected her to run for office.

OBAMAThat’s pretty funny. She doesn’t stand a chance!

BIDENSir, if she gets in, she’ll be Sarah Palin’s running mate in 2012. She’s got all the qualifications the Tea Party Republicans want.

(Dejected, Obama sips more beer.)

OBAMAI think I’ll have Zoloft for dinner tonight.

BIDENCome on, sir! Don’t be sad! Just look on the bright side!

OBAMAWhat bright side? My party is going to lose big and voters are turning against us in droves! We’re no closer to solving any of the problems I set out to conquer! Even worse than that, Michelle is withholding the goodies from me.

BIDENUh, goodies?

OBAMASex, Joe. She’s withholding sex. Today there's less sexual activity in the White House than since the time of James Buchanan.

BIDENOh, because he was a bachelor? Ha! Damn, sir! You are clever! See, this is the side of you America doesn’t see. They’re too busy seeing the intellectual, uptight and whiny side of you.

(Obama finishes the beer. He rubs out his cigarette.)

OBAMAGuess it’s time to face the music, Joe.

BIDENIf it makes you feel any better, a lot of one-term presidents have gone on to lead prosperous, healthy lives. Take Carter, for instance.

OBAMAI don’t think I'd be comfortable with a hardhat and a hammer building low-income housing. Nor would I care to negotiate peace agreements between the Palestinians and Israelis.

BIDENIf you don't make it in 2012, I mean, if the people really turn against you, what would you do?