A Girl’s Guide To Passive Aggression

There are a lot of differences between boys and girls. Boys like to talk about farting, and girls are civilized humans. Boys think that beer is the main food group. Girls know it’s wine. And when boys fight, they get in each other’s face. Things get physical. The testosterone in the air is palpable. The dirty glares and shit talking is all anyone can focus on. Sure, they might have more sense than to throw down in the middle of a philanthropy event, but that doesn’t mean that they will act like everything is good. It just means they will let their brothers hold them back. Girls on the other hand, well, we’re sneaky as fuck. Why? Because if we do our fighting in secret, we can pretend we did nothing wrong. We can maintain our cool and collected rep if we don’t let our tempers get the best of us. And trust me, it’s so much bitchier this way.

When girls fight, it’s subtle. There’s too much risk associated with going crazy on some other girl. I’m not sure what would happen, because it’s never been done before, but I’m not going to be the first. And this weird, passive aggressive girl fighting? It’s a thrill. I thrive on coming up with the perfect dig that is so subtle that my nemesis can’t respond, but simultaneously so bitchy that she has to feel defeated. I know. It’s evil. But I’m really fucking good at it.

Maybe if we just screamed at each other, we’d have fewer issues. In fact, I’ve heard of girls in far-off lands whose lives aren’t roller coaster rides of “Wait. Is she being a bitch right now?” But in a lot of social circles, we’re forced to smirk, give tight hugs, and hit our frenemies with a “bless your heart.” It’s like a game of chess. It’s not one and done. It’s a calculated set of moves that never ends until one of the girls graduates. And it’s exhausting. And perhaps, it’s the reason that guys think we’re crazy.

Because they’re fucking oblivious to it. Have you ever tried to explain the “bitchy-sweet” tone to a guy? It’s like you’re speaking a different language. Guys are too upfront and honest about things to be able to read between the lines. They think girls are actually genuine in their compliments not realizing that 80% of them are backhanded. They think girls are so fake for talking shit on the girl they were just laughing with, when in reality, the entire thing was fake. Getting it now?

Girl fighting is the actual reason subtweeting exists. Girl A posts a picture of her new engagement ring and ten minutes later girl B posts something along the lines of “I would kill my boyfriend if my ring isn’t big enough to distract people from my unmanicured nails.” THAT IS THE SHIT WE LIVE FOR. There are essentially zero consequences because no one can actually prove that you were even talking shit. But then again everyone knows. I’m not trying to say that the drama is the sole energy force for girls everywhere, but I’m willing to bet that we might actually die without it.

Will girls ever grow the fuck up and start acting like adults? You know, like expressing their feelings and being honest with how they’re feeling? Or stopping a problem instead of letting it escalate for literal years? Honestly, probably not. So I’m just going to sit back, relax, and read the Twitter wars..

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Blondie excels at being an underachiever. She is currently trying to add an extra year onto her undergrad so she can continue to down $7 bottles of wine in an environment that encourages her erratic behavior. After graduation, she has big plans to flunk out of a prestigious law school. Email her compliments and Netflix suggestions at blue.eyed.blondie.tsm@gmail.com
EDIT** if you suggest Black Mirror she's already seen it. So stop suggesting it. Seriously. Please stop suggesting it.