Friday, June 16, 2017

Rev. Ron's Realities: Signs

Hello, everyone! It’s
been awhile since I’ve done an installment of Rev. Ron’s Realities but I’m here
with a new one. I gotta be honest,
inspiration hasn’t struck me in some time as I haven’t really noticed anything
in recent movies that was worth crafting an entire short story around. But first, I think I need to back up for a
second—for those who just stumbled upon my blog and are wondering what exactly “Rev. Ron Realities” are, these are short
stories I craft from movies I watch.
Sometimes a background extra captures my attention or minor plot details
exist that I think needs elaboration so I write a short story to further
develop these attention-getting background characters or moments. In the past I’ve wrote stories on Ghost Shark, San Andreas, and Jurassic World but today I’m digging into a hole that I
started a long time ago and making my way to a story that’s always been kicking
around in the back of my mind; one that was inspired by M. Night Shyamalan’s
Signs.

In case you aren’t aware, Signs was Shyamalan’s follow up to
Unbreakable and told the tale of Joaquin Phoenix and Mel Gibson being tormented
by visitors from space. The film
definitely has some great performances, an amazing build-up, and some genuinely
creepy moments but it’s harmed greatly by the director’s trademark desire for a
twist ending. If you haven’t seen this
2002 film yet, here’s your warning for Spoilers—this movie ends with the
discovery that the aliens’ weakness is water.
It literally burns their flesh.
That means these space travelers flew across the cosmos and came to
terrorize a world that is mostly water.
Needless to say, it was a dumb twist and one that is still mocked
today. Anyway, I always had an idea in
my head that revolved around a single alien that tries to warn the rest of them
that they are heading to a planet that is covered in the liquid that can kill
them…

Here we go!

(For the sake of clarity, the aliens’ language will be
translated.)

The mothership came to a resting orbit on the dark side of
the moon as collectives of the tall, dark-green skinned beings milled about as
they were getting their smaller transports ready. Some made adjustments to the mechanisms that
made the circles in the corn and others tweaked the projection field that
tormented small animals and made them angry.
Two prominent beings made final adjustments on the cloaking device on
their craft so that the primitive creatures on the surface of the planet they
just arrived at wouldn’t see them. They
were nearly finished when an exasperated third being came galloping up to them.

That's no moon--oh wait, yes it is.

“Xenos,” the being said out of breath,
“Calixfartugnargarle—”

“Please, Zan,” one of the two interrupted, “call me Diane.”

Zan flipped his fingers to show acknowledgment, “Apologies,
Diane, but I have to tell you both that we are making a huge mistake.”

Xenos made a burping sound to show his irritation, “This
again? You’ve been hassling us ever
since we arrived in this galaxy, lamenting us with your insane conspiracies.”

“But it’s not insane, Xenos,” Zan explained as he projected
a holographic display of the planet.
“This place—the one those pink, squishy things call E-air-th—is covered
in this strange liquid. My readouts from
the probe devices that went and tested the planet states that this place is
covered with stuff that—”

“Zan,” Diane said as he put his lanky arm around the being’s
shoulder, “I think you’ve been spending too much time on the flarf-net and
reading those crazy conspiracy sites.
Your findings mean nothing to us.”

“But Diane, 97% of all the other researchers agree that this
thing is real!”

“So that says that 3% don’t, right?” Xenos explained.

Zan looked confused, “Well, that’s technically correct.”

“And there ya have it,” Diane exclaimed excitedly. “So, Operation: Make Circles in Agricultural Locations, Show
Up at a Child’s Celebration of Their Birth and Remain Unseen until It’s
Important to the Plot will begin.”

In their language it reads "Xenos was here."

“READY THE SHIPS!” Xenos yelled and all the beings started
to gear up and prep their vehicles.

“Wait,” Zan called out and all the beings stopped in their
tracks. “At the very least can we wear
some sort of protective suit in case of unknown pathogens in the air or just
put on some daffin clothes for Gorp’s sake?
I mean, you realize we’re all naked, right?”

With that, the hanger in the mothership echoed with odd
grunting as all the beings laughed. “You
knew this was a nudist exposition when you signed on, Zan,” Diane said where he
caught his breath. “Now let’s go harass
some of the hoo-mans and make some of them question their faith!”

“Don’t forget, guys,” Xenos added, “make sure you’ve had
plenty of sustenance. We might have to
spray some of these creatures with our defensive spray that we shoot out of the
things that are definitely are our anuses.”

Yes, I made a fart joke.

And you know the rest of the story—the aliens leave once
they realize their weakness but one stays behind in our protagonists’ home and
is defeated through the deadly combination of a baseball bat and glasses of
water that have been left behind by the apparently future-seeing daughter. Hope you enjoyed this playful jab at an
otherwise very good movie (seriously, though, I really do like Signs) and keep
checking back here for future Rev. Ron Realities and, of course, more of my
reviews. Thanks!

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About Me

I'm a geek, an atheist (who is also an ordained reverend), a peanut butter and jelly enthusiast, a man who shares the same name with a popular character from "Parks & Rec" and feels he can't live up to the awesomeness of the fictional character, was proudly banned from Reddit, an occasional Shakespearean performer, and a stand up comic.
Have any questions, recommendations or wanna share any theories on various movies? Email me at RevRonMovies@gmail.com and I'll talk about them on my new Q&A segment!