Month: May 2015

Defeated Labour party parliamentary candidate Chris Worsey has blamed leaflet drops to every door in the constituency for his defeat in the general election.

In the wake of the ballot box thrashing which saw incumbent MP Michael Fabricant re-elected with an increased majority on a reduced turn-out following five years of austerity imposed by the Conservative-led coalition government, Mr Worsey gave his in-depth analysis on Twitter, he said:

‘Labour needs to learn these lessons and fast – no more leaflet drops to every door in a constituency.’

Speaking from his home in Walsall, the Sandwell councillor for Great Barr elaborated:

‘It became clear to me, immediately after I failed to get elected and the number of Labour councillors on Lichfield District Council was reduced to four, that the weeks that I spent posting leaflets through Conservative voters’ doors in Yardley had been a complete waste of time.

‘Another key reason for the result was that the Tories spent £100,000 a month on Facebook. That’s ten times as much as Labour did.

‘I recall saying to my mate, paedophile-hunter Tom Watson whilst out canvassing with him in West Bromwich, that I should

The Hobbit MP

spend more time on Twitter. At the time he disagreed, saying that not everyone in Lichfield and Burntwood were Aston Villa fans. But I think he was wrong. Look at the runaway success of the Lichfield Hobbit MP who spent all of his “campaign” tweeting and twanking from Cafe Nero.

‘’Wherever that is?’

Recently appointed Leader of Lichfield District Council’s Sue Woodward was equally disappointed. She said:

‘We clearly failed to connect with our core voters. I understand Chris’ argument, what’s the point in pushing leaflets through the letter boxes of people who can’t read?

‘I will be launching a petition calling for all ballot papers to include photo’s of all of the candidates. Not only would it help identify me as the out-and-about nosey local councillor but it would also frighten away voters who may otherwise have inadvertently voted for LibDem Marion Bland.’

Defeated former Labour Group Leader agreed with his wife, Steve Woodward said:

‘I say Chris is a nice lad, a nice lad I say – I almost met him once. And I agree with his comments on social media – is it really just a coincidence that FiveSpiresLive twitter nonsense is frequently retweeted by Fabricant, ignored by me and Sue and blocked by failed LIbDem Poor Ray? The results speak for themselves.’

Lichfield and Burntwood MP Michael Fabricant made it abundantly clear to Prime Minister David Cameron that he did not want to be considered for a government job.

The full transcript of the telephone conversation has now been released.

MF to No.10 Switchboard operator

MF: Hi, could you put me through to Dave immediately please

SO: Dave who?

MF: The PM you foolish girl

SO: Who’s calling

MF: Mike Fabricant

SO: I’m sorry…

MF: It is I, Sir Michael Fabricant

SO: No, I mean I’m sorry I’ve instructions not to take any calls from Michael Fabricant

MF: (aside to Andy) The PM must be on the line to Obama.

Well one of his senior officials then my dear.

SO: I’m sorry…

MF: I said, can you put me through to one of the PM’s senior officials.

SO: No, I mean I’m sorry, I’ve instructions not to put Michael Fabricant through to anyone at all.

MF: Well, please get Mr Cameron to call me back when he’s finished with The President.

SO: No

MF: It’s imperative that I get a message to him before he finalises his new cabinet. Could you please impress upon him, in no uncertain terms, that it is, with the deepest regret, that I have to decline the generous offer of a senior cabinet post.

Having cast out District Council Labour Group leader, Butcher of Burntwood Steve Norman into the political wilderness, the electorate of Lichfield and Burntwood look forward to feasting on the fresh meat of the new cadre of young Tory councillors.

Ben Rayner, Olivia Shepherd and Beth Fisher were all elected to Lichfield District Council as the Tories secured 41 of the 47 available seats in Lichfield and Burntwood.

Ben Rayner secured the vote in Alrewas and Fradley. After checking his hair again in a pocket mirror Ben said:

‘I spend most of my time riding my bike around the village and sometimes popping into the Post Office for sweets on the way home. At weekends in the summer you’ll find me at Alrewas Cricket Club wasting literally days of my life playing the world’s most boring sport.

‘I had felt that something was missing from my life until I met up with our local Member and former circus performer Michael Fabricant. He suggested that I stand for the District Council where he told me I’d be able to waste many more hours than I am doing at the moment.’

Ben’s dad is a former police superintendent and his mum is a nurse. Mum Claire Rayner said:

‘We love him to bits but really do wish he’d get a proper job.’

Olivia Shepherd

Olivia Shepherd won the seat in Fazeley. Olivia is co-principal of Tamworth stage school Enact Academy. She has been treading the boards since a young age, and has been involved in many areas of performing arts for most of her life. Olivia is also an award winning script writer and actress, gaining recognition for her comedy character Philomena Cunk who makes regular appearances in Charlie Brooker’s TV Wipe.

Recently married Olivia said:

‘I love dressing up and telling fairy stories to groups of children, so I thought that would make me an ideal Conservative councillor. I really hope to become involved in the fairytale Friarsgate project as soon as possible.’

Beth Fisher, a 19-year-old trainee car mechanic was elected as councillor for Chasetown. She is the daughter of Conservative councillor Helen Fisher. Helen said:

Beth Fisher

‘Go away I’m not talking to you. In all this time you showed no interest in me and now my young daughter comes on the scene you’re suddenly interested in my opinions. We you can do one.

Beth apologied say that her mum had have a stressful day at the family business Karl Fisher Autos in Cannock. Beth side:

‘A customer complained that I hadn’t tightened his nuts properly or something and mum just lost it. I think she may have got the wrong end of the stick.’

Before deciding to retrain Beth had a short run of success starring in West End musicals after winning the TV talent contest ‘How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?’. Work dried up shortly afterwards. Beth explained:

‘I became disillusioned with the celebrity lifestyle so decided to come back and work in the family garage. No more of the bright lights for me, apart from headlights of course but I dont get onto them until later in the course.’

Asked how she thought she will cope with the high profile life as a district councillor Beth said;

‘I expect to do really well, I know how to deal with all sorts of old wrecks and the occasional car crash.’

As the nation decides and the voters of Lichfield (and half a dozen folks from Burntwood) anoint Michael Fabricant on his triumphant return to Cathedral Close for another term, what becomes of the other candidates?

Chris Worse-y (Labour) leaves Lichfield for the final time and returns to his real life as a Sandwell Councillor hoping to be nominated in a West Midlands constituency that he is actually interested in when he leaves college in five years time.

The LibDem candidate Poor Ray, having failed to be elected either as our new MP or as councillor for Chadsmead returns to his charismatic and ever popular day job as a banking lawyer. The only chance he has of being called “councillor” [sic] is if he transfers to the New York Bar.

Pub Landlord, “the Gu’vnor” Johnny Rackman returns to the Kings Head stunned by the fact that despite the height of his campaign being his faltering rendition of sections of the UKIP manifesto, he has actually come second. Hosting a “private” party in the pub into the early hours of Friday morning celebrating the life of the comedy script writer Roy Clarke, the ruddy faced drunks head off to Burntwood Leisure Centre for the count.

The Guv

On hearing the declaration he becomes giddy, not through an excess of Pedigree ale but rocked by the realisation of “what the fuck would I have done if I’d actually won”

Rob Pass of the Green Party impressed many during the campaign and benefited from the piss-poor performance of the

Tree

LibDems. When even the LibDems own campaign team say they’ll vote for another candidate you know it’s not going to end well. As a result the Greens keep their deposit and the passionate and earnest Pass returns to his beloved Tree house hoping that the coming years will involve more sex.

Andy Bennetts

Water-gypsy and angry T-shirt printer Andy Bennetts burst onto the Lichfield political scene as the Class War Party candidate. Class War is a party of shaven-headed banner-waving drunks, the Provisional Wing of the Labour Party, whose image prompted Michael Fabricant to call for police protection at the Cathedral hustings.

In reality Bennetts fought a refreshing, articulate and entertaining campaign and captured the nature of the constituency perfectly. My favourite moment was at Speakers Corner where a CND/Green lady urged the crowd to join a protest against Trident outside of Waterstones in Birmingham the following day. Bennetts responded:

‘I don’t think there are any nuclear weapons in Waterstones Birmingham, so if you’re serious about protesting get a train to Faslane.’

A Class Act yet he loses his deposit but having been out drinking all day he doesn’t give a toss, after all it wasn’t his fucking money anyway.

Stick Fabricant

The Stick was a late-comer but wowed the crowd with his appearance as Michael Fabricant’s alter-ego at the Speakers’ Corner hustings. He listened carefully to the debate, allowing the other candidates to put their case undaunted by the presence of the great parliamentarian himself. On international affairs Stick remained tight lipped about his travels far and wide around the globe, thereby avoiding the crowd’s heckle: “Pity you never managed to find Burntwood.”

Stick will now assist Michael Fabricant with his constituency work. Whilst Mr Fabricant is busy drinking with cronies in Cafe Nero or retweeting Twanks to his sycophantic Twitter followers, Stick will be holding the fort in Burntwood. Regular surgeries will be the order of the day, Stick will go along to the Leisure Centre twice a month and listen attentively to the health and welfare concerns of the Lost Tribe.

Stick will then say nothing and do nothing, just like Mr Fabricant himself.

Anyone who is concerned about the outcome of this election is advised to wait, another may well be on its way sooner than expected.