NEW- third last theme

PART ONE: Lights up on toilet, with the grey screen standing in for a urinal. RED QUARK is standing at the Urinal. GALLBLADDER runs in, panicking.

GALLBLADDER: Oh, Jesus! Oh, Jesus! A toilet! Brilliant! No one ever gets killed in a toilet.

RED: Hi.

GALLBLADDER: (Not noticing he’s a Quark, stands at the urinal) Hi.

GALLBLADDER pauses, then dunks his head entirely into the urinal (a bucket of water behind the screen), comes up with his head soaking wet.

RED: What’s up with you mate? Look a little stressed.

GALLBLADDER: Huh? I’m sorry? Have you seen what’s going on out there?(Turns to point, accidentally sprays RED) The experiment escaped, the Quark! And now it’s loose, and it’s turning other people into Quarks too! We could all die!

RED: Oh. That’s not good, is it?

GALLBLADDER: I think I’ll just lie low until someone else solves the problem. Phew! This reminds me of that adventure film, you know, the one where everyone dies?

RED: Jurassic Park.

GALLBLADDER: No, not that one...

RED: Jurassic Park 2.

GALLBLADDER: No, not that one.

RED: Jurassic Park 3.

GALLBLADDER: That’s it! All the minor unimportant characters get killed off in the first 10 minutes! The key is, if your character has less than three dimensions, or an IQ below fifty, you're doomed from the start. (Beat) Yeah. So if you see anyone with antennae on top of their head, then... (Sees R’s deedlyboppers) oh, my god!

RED: You really should relax a bit more mate, you get all keyed up and then you can’t go.

Gallbladder babbles, scared, points at R’s deedlyboppers.

RED: What? (Looks up, can’t see anything because the deedlyboppers are attached to his head)

GALLBLADDER: You’ve got…

RED: (finally clicks) Oh, right. Yeah, those.

GALLBLADDER: You’re a Quark!

RED: Yeah, I know.

GALLBLADDER starts to run, another QUARK pops out.

GALLBLADDER: Get away from me, you freaks!

QUARK: Whoa! No need to get offensive, mate. I don’t want to start anything.

GALLBLADDER: Stay away! Don’t touch me!

RED: This slimy git doesn’t like our type.

QUARK: Really? Well, we don’t like your type either!

GALLBLADDER: Don’t touch me! If you kill me, I will sue the backsides off you!

QUARK 2: You threatening us?

QUARK 1: Maybe we need to take you outside for a little lesson in manners.

They lift Gallbladder and carry him away.

GALLBLADDER: No! Please! Don’t do this to me! Hang on! (stops to zip up flyand then goes back to being dragged away) No! I’m a main character!

PART TWO: Lights down and up on stage right. MALCOLM, BELINDA and EDDIE emerge from the wings, slowly walking downstage.

MALCOLM: I think it’s safe to say that we’re in a bad situation.

EDDIE: A very bad situation.

MALCOLM: Yes.

EDDIE: A Very, very bad situation.

MALCOLM: Thank you.

EDDIE: In fact, one might go so far as to say that this situation is worse than evil time-travelling alien raptor zombie ninjas with lasers attached to their heads!

MALCOLM: Shut up!

BELINDA: This really should not be happening to me! I pay my taxes for god’s sake! (Pause) Most of them!

MALCOLM: Calm down! Panicking will get us nowhere!

BELINDA: Actually if we add running to the panicking will get us somewhere very fast, so I vote for that.

MALCOLM: Look... (lights down on stage right)

PART THREE: Lights up on stage left. THE MAJOR, ANN and LISA are present.

Another noise like a giant footstep, lights flicker with each step. All freeze. And another, they all jump again. A few more, then they stop.

LISA: What’s going on? It... it’s too quiet!

Another footstep.

LISA: That’s better!

The footsteps get louder, until they are revealed to be JURASSIC QUARK coming on stage playing a big marching bass drum. He comes up level with the others, all the while playing his bass drum and them jumping at it. He stops, pauses, and hits his bass drum again. They all jump.

MALCOLM: Oh, for-

JURASSIC QUARK takes the drum off, puts it aside, then looks at them for a second.

JURASSIC QUARK: ... boo.

ALL: AHHH!!!

MAJOR: Back away, all of you! I fought in the Great War! I will subdue this fiend!