NEED ADVICE: How to forgive when it's deja vu

My SO has an acquaintance that is literally begging college “friends” to attend his wedding in October… We’ll call him D. No one he has invited lives within less than 4 hours away from the chosen location (Which is neither in his or the bride’s hometown) and it’s on a sunday. People are extremely opposed to attending not only of the distance, but they definitely do not find him worthy of using a vacation day and spending hotel/travel money.

Here is my “relationship” in particular with D. We didn’t get along, but once he graduated (a year before me) we laid everything out and decided to let bygones be bygones. Apparently while I thought it was done and over with, he used our apologies as a starting line to start talking even more! His “close friends” (who are actually MY close friends) were telling me everything he was saying about me. My SO, who was on an internship out of state for the summer, even called me a couple of times because the person was emailing him saying I was visiting the campus every week during the summer and ignoring all of my friends! I live 5 hours away from the campus and I had an internship going on, why the hell would I be going there weekly?! And the one time I actually did, I went out to dinner with my group of friends. So they even decided to call my SO to reassure him D was a lying sack of s***.

I could not believe any of this crap was going on, but I figured, okay, this guy graduated, he’s not worth my time since in 2 months he will finally have moved out of the apartment complex and he’ll be gone for good. Finally Fall semester comes along and everything was running smoothly. I start getting random texts from D, and it looked like he was trying to push everything aside and pretend I didn’t know a single thing that went on during the summer… That he was trying to turn my friends and even my boyfriend against me. I just deleted his messages w/o reading.

Flash foward 2 years to today, and people are talking about him kissing butt to get people to attend the wedding of his to a girl who matches his personality and hence, no one wants to attend it.

I need some good advice on how to have a conversation with this person. If anything, I only see myself accepting his apology if it means he will leave SO and me alone. I am extremely opposed to forgiving him because the last time I did, things got MUCH worse.

@NinjaWings: I don’t understand. Why don’t you simply decline the invitation and drop this person from your life? I don’t see any reason to waste any energy trying to come to any resolution or understanding with D. He has proven not to be a friend. What do you think you will accomplish?

I assume the only reason you’re even considering going is because your fiance wants to go. If this person really means a lot to him and he’s dead set on going, I’d say suck it up and go for his sake. You don’t need to be friends with D, you just have to put on a nice outfit, send a gift, smile and eat their food.

If your fiance isn’t the one that wants to go, and you just feel some vague guilt or obligation, then fill out the part on the card that says “must regretfully decline” and send a nice card. Delete the texts, emails and just let him exit your life.

@julies1949: I’m not trying to rekindle a friendship. It’s more for closure to reassure him that NO, we are not friends. I’m thinking my words would go something like this: “Okay, I accept your apology, everything is now done. If you decide to run a muck again, like you did the first time, it’s all on you.”

@MariContrary: There is some guilt/obligation in attending because it could be a big reunion among the people who actually were close to each other… it’s pretty much a “If you go, I’ll go” situation. That is why I’m on the fence when it comes to attending. Believe me when I say SO isn’t too fond of him either!

@NinjaWings: In that case, I’d organize something with your real friends and go out for drinks and have a mini-reunion! Whether or not it’s the same day depends on how nice you are. My thought is that you shouldn’t go to a wedding if you’re not truly happy for the couple. If your fiance was really good friends and you were being supportive for him, then that would be different. But D hasn’t acted like a friend to you at any point, and it seems like he’s actively tried to sabotage your relationship. You don’t owe him anything.

I think I forgot to mention another semi-critical part in this fiasco… our friends are hoping that when all is said and done, he’ll also realize that the people he ran to and bitched at really don’t give a rat’s ass about his life and that their loyalities do not lie with him. I know, they’re adults and they should be able to do this for themselves, but I guess they think that if all of it comes from me, the person he attacked the most, it would help kill 2 birds with 1 stone.

@MariContrary: Throwing a reunion on the same day would be ideal lol! But I’m not that cruel of a person. It’s still in the back of my mind though…

@NinjaWings: Um, none of you actually like the bride or groom. I think it’s pretty crappy to use the wedding of someone you don’t even like as an opportunity for some reunion. Do that on your own time/dollar. Just simply decline the invite. This all sounds so high school, except you are all supposed to be adults.

And, don’t use his wedding as the forum for a reunion of your friends, or as the forum to make a point to about D just how little you guys care about his life.

You might hate the guy, but he deserves to have people at his wedding who actually care about how, or at least don’t wish him ill-will.

If your friends (or you for that matter) still have a bone to pick later, do it at a more appropriate place. But at a certain point you & your friends are going to have to learn that adults shouldn’t let these petty things go on for ages.

+1 — don’t use this man’s wedding as an opportunity to have a reunion with your friends. Handle this like an adult, and just write this person out of your life. There’s no need for some big confrontation or drama.