Spoof news stories from Wednesday 15 October 2008

The resting place of Palestinian 'funny-man' Yasser Arafat, was swamped with billions of fan letters destined for his twin brother Ringo Starr today.
Ringo Starr told fans to "go forth and multiply with a spiky rusty iron rod", in a shocking inter...

A team of scientists led by the French archaeologist Franck Goddio recently announced that they have found a cup, dating to between the late 2nd century B.C. and the early 1st century A.D., that is engraved with what they believe could be the world's...

Thierry Henry, the unsettled French footballer currently plying his trade in Spain at Barcelona, is in line for a January transfer to Manchester City.
Henry, who previously played in England for Arsenal, has become disillusioned with life at the N...

In the hopes of doubling revenue, a pharmaceuticals company is now offering an at-home male pregnancy test.
Typically, the test rarely detects actual pregnancy in males. However, it is amazingly accurate in detecting males whose partners (typical...

The Pork Apple Valley company, famous for its Smoked and Polish Sausage products, has announced a new sausage casing and line of sausage products to be secretly marketed towards gay and lesbian communities.
Named "Break Free" sausage by Pork Ap...

Spanish golfing legend Seve Ballesteros is tonight said to be in a stable condition after undergoing an operation on his brain tumour.
Many of our readers in the UK and the US may consider it strange to have a man who has just been through such a...

Halloween is coming up so I thought I'd send this in. The friendly "greeter" in my local supermarket mispronounced "Beers, wines and spirits" whilst on mic. It got me thinking and I wrote this:
Beerswines and Spirits by Rob Barratt
When the supermarket's quiet at the end of the day
The beerswines and spirits all come out to play
The swines drink their beer from a can with a widget
Th...

Patented by Dr. Buster Hymens, a bio-chemist from Spit City, Nevada, a new coating that bonds itself to cotton fibers prevents even the worst protein stains from setting. Applied to towels and bedding in the initial wash cycle, the coating still al...

Winter is at hand, and given the cost of heating fuel and electricity, The Spoof offers these valuable tips to save money this energy season.
1. Sharing body heat conserves energy. Delay the birth of any infants as long as possible.
2. Much body heat is lost through the head. Keep a smoldering fire in your hair during the winter months.
3. Shivering creates body warmth. Try to go through hero...

PARAMUS, New Jersey - The bad state of the United States economy is causing many companies and corporations to relocate overseas. Even the world of sports has now been affected. The weekly sports publication 'Balls, Balls, & Pucks' is reporting t...

Burnley - 18/10/08 20:02PM BST - Straight off the wires - an ex friend of Arthur Pewty's, Mr Jimmy Bacon of Stoops Estate Burnley alleges that Arthur Pewty took home the fiancee of a mutual friend and indulged in some perverted hanky panky with her.

Vice presidential hopeful Sara Palin now has a gift shop on her website with campaign related products designed to appeal to her most avid supporters.
"Every cent will go toward the McCain/Palin ticket," said the staff member overseeing the endeav...

London, England - Poptart Madonna and husband/director Guy Ritchie have confirmed they are to divorce. Rumour mongers in Hollywood, London and New York have speculated the celebrity marriage was on the rocks for the past several months.
According...

Clara Meadmore the "105 year old virgin" has been exposed as Eva Braun, the former lover of all round Nazi fruit loop Adolf Hitler.
In an exclusive we can reveal today that Meadmore who has actually resided in the UK since late 1945 after the stag...

A Manchester man, Gary (Gazza) Grimshaw (No relation to Eileen off Coronation Street) today claimed that there had been some violence somewhere in Africa and that people were being shot with guns and mashed up with machetes, and that Arthur Pewty was...

What can only be described as a media feeding frenzy descended on the flat of Neasden crime boss Arthur Pewty just minutes ago as reports emerged of a possible health scare.
The rumour mill went into overdrive with reports that Beryl Pewty had tel...

Much-loved, incredibly gifted author (of note) Jesus Budda has announced his return to writing shit mediocre comedy, for TheSpoof.com.
Speaking from someone else garden, Budda said he was forced into the move to prevent his slipping out of the top...

A study conducted by Vogue magazine has discovered the secret sexual desires of nuns.
Usually believed to be repressed lesbians, nuns have in fact a depraved sexual appetite that must be sated with lots of 'naughty touching' and oftentimes much, mu...

A group of fat bastards have been told by their doctors that they must stat losing weight immediately or risk ending up dying of fatness.
A spokesperson of the 'Friends of Fat Folk" organization which represents a lot of fat fucks said that they w...

A new government initiative aims to redress the issue of fatherless children. The "Fathers for Bastards" campaign is hoped to give the little bastards a chance at 'normal' family life by appointing surrogate father figures to the children who are cla...

Finnish explorer, Jan Waslosten, was lost in the frozen Arctic tundra for more than 40 days while rescue teams from Finland and Norway partnered in the search. It was assumed that Waslosten's homing beacon had died out sometime during the first wee...

Washington, DC - Vice President Dick Cheney was rushed to hospital today when it was feared that he suffered a heart attack.
According to unofficial reports, Cheney stopped to donate a dime to a homeless person camped outside his White House offi...

Infamous Neasden hard-man, gangster and underworld kingpin Arthur Pewty today came under fire from a childhood friend who claims that Pewty is a fake.
Jimmy Bacon,53, of Stoops Estate Burnley Lancashire, a lecturer in anti-terrorism techniques at...

England football team vice captain, Rio Ferdinand, rather honestly told journalist that under the previous two regimes the team had a circus feel about it.
He was commenting on some of the off field aspects between games not when they were on pitc...

As poll numbers for the McCain/Palin Republican Presidential ticket head south faster than college kids on Spring Break, self-proclaimed hockey mom, Sarah Palin, has begun to reach out to other mothers in the hopes of bolstering support.
"The d...

Guy Ritchie and Madonna announced they are to divorce blaming the global credit crunch for creating irreconcilable differences between them.
A spokesperson for the couple said "Like many financial institutions they have found staying afloat very d...

A professional pigeon scarer from Ardwick, Manchester, had a nightmare start to his working day when he discovered that his car, which had been street parked overnight, had been scratched all down one side leaving him with a hefty repair bill and a n...

Scientist have claimed that recent studies into "Anthropomorphic Obesity" have shown that in most cases its the body shape that determines whether a person is classified as obese and not, as previously thought, the amount of chips they eat.
In a s...

Trouble was narrowly averted early yesterday morning in a Neasden 24 hour garage. The incident began at shortly after six am, when a scruffy looking woman who looked like she'd never clapped eyes on a bar of soap in her life started to dither at the...

Webb City, Missouri - In a predatory takeover bid, spiders have bundled up 83 per cent of the world's web design market. Tarantula Inc, a global conglomerate of spiders world-wide, sealed the deal with their recent hostile acquisition of a competitor...

In an unprecedented move earlier today an MI6 Public Relations Officer released a statement, admitting that Neasden hard-man and crime kingpin Arthur Pewty is under close surveillance.
'MI6 can confirm this morning that Mr Arthur Pewty of Neasden...

Hillary Clinton has wangled her way into the debate audience tonight, to be held in Hemphead, New York.
Getting a taste for looming in the background, she claims she'll stay at the back of the room and merely observe, while she uses Betsy Ross' or...

A startling discovery that is sure to shake the world was revealed this last week from an unlikely source. Washington DC resident Mary Littlegirl has come forward and told TheSpoof.com reporters how at fifteen years of age she had a "fling" with then...

FORTH WORTH, Texas - Dallas Cowboys Head Coach Wade Phillips told ESPN that he has talked to Cowboys owner Jerry Jones and that they have decided that it would be best to cancel next Sunday's game against the St. Louis Rams.
Phillips said that th...

Black Motha' News - Sources within the Baltimore, Maryland headquarters of the NAACP have been informed by concerned sources within the Democratic Party/Presidential-Vice Presidential Team that on October 31 in the midst of Halloween distractions, th...

ON THE HIT SHOW ENTOURAGE, Kevin Connolly plays a nice guy who swaps coasts, hits it big in Hollywood, and dates drop-dead-gorgeous women. In his real life, things aren't all that different. By Allison Winn Scotch
KEVIN CONNOLLY is celebrating a special anniversary with me.
"It's funny that we're doing this interview today," he says when he calls from the set of Entourage, now in its fifth s...

Football referees are to be given increased powers to sanction the ever-dwindling number of professional players committing fouls and cheating.
From next Tuesday, in addition to traditional finger-wagging, FIFA will grant refs the power of reaso...

Washington, DC/ Supreme Court Brief - Legal pundits are abuzz with the latest DEM strategy to control the country without winning the Presidential election! The Demonic plan inadvertently slipped out during Ambassador Jesse Jackson's recent good wi...

Jerome Corsi was arrested in Nairobi last week just as he was about to address a news conference to launch one of his best selling books - The Obama Nation: Leftist Politics and the Cult of Personality" which has been heavily criticized worldwide for...

Sun City, Arizona - In a desperate bid to prop up his ailing presidential campaign, Senator John McCain has changed his name to McCane. The name change follows a similar one by the Obama camp to remove Hussein as his middle name.
According to Ral...

Madonna reportedly dumps another man on her way to the "Cougar" Hall of Fame. Director and producer Guy Ritchie who braved the marital waters with Madonna for five years, was one of the most successful holdouts in Madonna dating history.
While...

During testimony to the Senate Banking Committee regarding the 800 Bn USD bailout package, a covertly placed parabolic microphone and recorder have finally been accessed.
The shocking transcript of the recording, although somewhat damaged by the...

Supermodel Gisele Bundchen has teamed up with her ex-boyfriend Leonardo DiCaprio's best friends to shoot a new music video. Entourage cutie Kevin Connolly directed the beauty in a video for blackcowboy's new song "Come On" late last week on the stre...

It's official - Madonna and Guy Richie are headed for divorce court. And, it is not Alex Rodriquez that is coming between this power couple, the cause of this celeb breakup is none other than Lance Armstrong.
Armstrong and Madonna have secretly...

Professor Hugh Jarse was left red faced when it was revealed that the recent experiments using the Large Hadron Collider were responsible for the global financial crisis.
The top British boffin explained "When we started the experiment we, as pred...

Madonna has this morning announced that she is to divorce her English husband Guy Ritchie after nearly 8 years of marriage, and will, instead, marry Liverpool boss Rafa Benitez.
That Benitez is already married, is of little consequence to the pop...

In a statement issued earlier today, the Secretary of State for Education, Ed T'es Tecles has actually admitted why the SATS tests for 14-year old schoolchildren have been abandoned.
The Minister had to admit that they weren't abandoned because ev...

It was revealed today that Barack Obama has a white penis. A Democrat spokesperson claimed that it was an extremely rare medical condition known as 'pendulus niveus' which was found exclusively among the noblemen of an ancient African tribe in the 14...

In an unprecedented rant on the popular video site for sheep, Ewe Tube, Ringo Starr, 68, has announced that he will be signing no more autographs, or reading any more fan mail.
The Liverpudlian, famous for being the voice of Thomas the Tank Engine...

Paul McCartney, 66-year-old founding member of the Beatles, is reportedly proud of being referring to in the media as a 'former Beatle' and has no objection to the press continuing to do so.
When asked by reporters for a reaction to Ringo's much-...

The Time Lord from Gallifry, decried the lack of comprehensive health care for many of the citizens of this planet.
Dr Who has traveled much of the known universe, rarely has seen such a poor delivery system of health care, then here on planet E...

Pythoner John Cleese has apologetically informed Michael Palin that he is no longer the funniest Palin.
The rise of Sarah Palin has prompted comedy producers and directors to compete for the comic prowess of the Alaskan Ice Princess.
Cleese...

Runner-up beauty queen, Sarah Palin appeared on the arm of Vlad the Impaler Putin at the Northern Lights energy Promenade, or the GazProm, named after Russia's government favored energy conglomerate.
Palin explained that Putin just reared his hea...

A prisoner in a Federal penitentiary near Boston, William Horton, was granted a furlough by the US prison authorities. Mr Horton then went on a violent crime spree of horrendous proportions.
Democratic Governor Dukakis of Massachusetts who had no...

John McCain and Sarah Palin claim to have reduced their rabble rousing of the Republican racist refuse. That is until their appearance in the White House Portico today axe handles in hand.
In a frightening flashback to the days of southern opposi...

Parsing the linguistic gobbeldy gook that VPILF Palin sprays, like oil from an Alaska gusher, would be impossible if not for many years of practice trying to discern the inarticulate W. Still even after transliteration the letters and deciphering the...

London - Advertising executive and fitness buff Brock Bifford was suprised this week when he managed to outpace his shadow while running up his usual seventeen flights of stairs to work.
"Well usually its pretty well neck-and-neck you know. I reck...

Last night's debate between Presidential candidates, Barrack Obama and John McCain, heavily focused on their vision for helping the nation out of economic trouble.
Barrack Obama pledged to only raise taxes for those Americans making more than $...

Satanic worshipers have been protesting outside Tampa Bay Ray's baseball games for dropping the "Devil" out of the team name.
From the start, the franchise repeatedly had the worst season of any Major Leagues team when in 2007, the franchise, kn...

According to celebrity spiritualist medium Eddie Cosmos, the late Yootha Joyce, alcoholic star of TV sitcoms George And Mildred and Man About The House allegedly claimed that Neasden hard man and hard core gangsta Arthur Pewty groped her arse during...

Britain went into meltdown yesterday teatime following news that 53 year old ne'er do well Arthur Pewty was rumoured to be going out for a pint.
RAF Fighter Command was put on standby, the SAS were recalled from leave, Gordon Brown convened an eme...