August 9, 2010

Experiencing His Love

The following testimony is written from a very dear senior of ours, Theng Theng. She desires that her story be told, because of the amazing grace and love of God she has experienced. And so, we are sharing this with you in hopes that you will be blessed by it…

Dear all,

I’m writing this to you, because I think it’s important for you to learn from my experience before you fly. And I believe this is what God wants me to tell you, my dear juniors :) I know it’s a bit long, but please make sure you read till the end ya? :p

I came to Melbourne in February this year. Unluckily, I fell down and twisted my left knee on the 3rd day of my arrival. That’s the reason I gave many people when they asked me why I was back in Malaysia for the past 3 months (May, June until mid of July). Yes, I actually deferred my studies for 1 semester and took a break in Malaysia. But to come back for knee treatment was only part of the reason I went back. I didn’t tell many the true story behind it because it’s hard for me to explain to them, and I myself was struggling to tell the truth.

To start the story, we would have to go back to my last semester in INTEC. Frankly speaking, that semester was an extremely tough and challenging one for me. Not only due to SAMSA exams, but I wasn’t really in good condition mentally. I had serious self-rejection issues until the point that it affected my social life. And because of past experiences of disappointment and rejection from others, I fell into a deep hole of depression which no one knows, except my mom.

This problem of mine brought forth many chain-reaction effects because it wasn’t handled properly. After a few weeks back home after AUSMAT, my mom probably thought I was fine again. But the fact is, if this issue is not seriously looked into and proper treatment isn’t provided at all, it would never disappear by itself. Soon, I started to have many conflicts with my family members. I became very bitter at heart. I thought of myself as a person who is worth totally nothing at all. And slowly, because I was over-protective of myself from any possible disappointments, hurts and rejections, I never opened myself up to anybody until the point that I started talking to myself.

I gave no serious thought about this and off I flew to Melbourne. After the fall, my life became even more miserable. I wasn’t able to listen to God’s word at all. To me the Word is just a collection of some repetitive letters I’ve been studying all the years. The love my parents showed to me after the injury was nothing but a burden. I even prayed to God so that they would stop loving me. I felt hopeless, helpless, guilty yet unable to react in any way. I went to lectures just to find that my concentration level had dropped to zero level. My mind was totally blank in lecture theatres and tutorials. I had panic attacks whenever I was surrounded by many people, even in church. I couldn’t socialise at all. In fact, I disliked everybody around me. I hated it when they laughed in front of me, when they smiled at me. It was this bitter, this ugly.

When I slowly found out that something was wrong with me, I consulted a mental health doctor in the university. She concluded that I’ve been showing symptoms of Anxiety Disorder. That was the true reason I deferred my studies. It was nonetheless a hard decision to make.

I went back to Malaysia with a heavy heart. I didn’t know what was ahead of me, how long would it take for me to be healthy again. But that’s the only leap of faith I took throughout my stay in Melbourne: to let go of everything and let Him take me to wherever He wants me to be.

Throughout the 3 months back home, my family has been a great support to me. Through their prayers, God brought me to the realisation that I’m a gift to my parents, someone they love and treasure very much; that the guilt I have for making them worry due to my injury and all wasn’t necessary at all, because their love for me is unconditional, just like His love for me. My pastor and elders in church showed me their concern by constantly keeping me in prayer and encouraging me with testimonies. I never felt so loved by so many people before. I found my sense of belonging at home, and in His home. I never knew that I would have such value in the eyes of those people I respect so much. He makes all things new for me. I spent time reading some books from my pastor. Only then I realised that all this while I was blindfolded by Satan’s deception, to make me feel that I’m not worthy of any love at all, holding me back from receiving blessings from Him. That 3 months, He opened up my eyes and ears to see and hear the truth. He showed me that, every pain I go through, He feels it himself.

If there’s one most important lesson that He’s taught me, that would be LOVE. God was telling me that His love can fulfill all my needs. The fear that I had in my heart, the only way to cast them out was to fill my heart with His love. Rejection, disappointment and hurt that’ve left so many scars in my heart, the only thing I needed to free myself from that pain, was His love that brings about true forgiveness. He, is LOVE. And because of that, He promised to give me a future, a plan to prosper me and not to harm me, without looking at my ugly past. He said, no matter how dark your past was, you’ll still shine like stars in the future, because He doesn’t care at all about your past. I just needed to know how MUCH He loves me. He sent Jesus down to take away all my sins even before I was born, there’s no greater love than this. And yes, you and I are this VALUABLE to Him.

I’m now back to Melbourne, and I’ve just started university. Everything that happens to me now is a sweet blessing from Him. I’m counting my blessings each day, and learning to love myself as well as everybody around me. I’m filled with His heavenly joy and peace that tears would just roll down my cheeks every night I give thanks to Him, looking back at what He’s done with my life. More is to come, He says.

My dear juniors, I’m writing these to tell you how BIG our Mighty Creator of Universe is. Now when I flip through the pages of my diary, I see a process, a process of how God is moulding a daughter of His for His great work on earth. From depression, to anxiety, and now to faith, hope and love, He’s the only one that can make this possible.
REMEMBER to guard your hearts and thoughts well, people. Never ever open any doors for Satan to stay in your mind and build his temple there. Fill your mind with positive thoughts, knowing that you’re VICTORIOUS and RIGHTEOUS in His name. I’ve wasted much time dwelling in my negative thoughts, undervaluing myself when I could actually do so much for His kingdom. Don’t follow my footsteps, but always dwell in His presence. Wherever you are, whichever country you’re headed to, remember that you’re there for a purpose. He CARES about every aspect of your life more than you actually do.

I love you all, and hope that you’ll be an ambassador of Christ even now. You guys are an awesome bunch of people I so dearly miss. :)

~*Colossians 1: 10-12*~

Love,
Theng Theng

If anyone is experiencing something similar to what Theng Theng went through, please let someone know. We are more than willing to help out or give advice and to pray for you. Remember, Jesus loves you and we love you too. :)