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Thursday, March 10, 2011

Ever since I lost my babies I have been missing being pregnant. Usually I envy those women who are expecting at the moment, not because I am evil but because I desire to be a full time mom.

Today I saw myself in the mirror as I was getting ready for work and said "I am OK not being pregnant". I still want to be a mom to a third sunshine but only time will tell. Meanwhile I am living life as a mother of two angels that are serving a greater purpose that I can even image :)

Saturday, March 5, 2011

After loosing Hope and Luke I realized that loosing a child is one of the most painful loses anyone can experience. I thought that I had master the feeling of "fear" the fear of loosing someone or something you love. I figured that if I knew that I was loosing someone I love I would probably be OK with it and deal with it very well.

On Tuesday my two year old malti poo ended up at the vet because she had bloody diarrhea. I was told she had to stay overnight and I was ok with it. I knew I would miss her but I also knew she needed to get better. When I got home it really hit me that she wasn't running around like a wild horse, then fear hit me! the fear of not seeing her again and hearing her whine or bark at me because she is being ignored.

At that moment I realized that even tough I have experienced loosing Hope and Luke thatI am not excempted from the fear of loosing someone I love like my crazy chicken Noelle.

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It has always been difficult to describe myself, but I have always have been able to say thatI am a caring, sympathertic, loving person. After the rough end of 2009/2010 I can not describe myself because it seems like I no longer know me.