The Secret Diary Of Roberto Martinez - 7/10/11

It's the international break this week, which gives everyone time to catch their breath after a poor run of results. Let`s see what has been going on behind closed doors at Wigan this week:

Monday: After Friday's antics from Charles N'Zogbia, the whole Aston Villa staff made us wait before we could leave so they could check the coach for any stowaways. There was nothing untoward, so we could finally leave. As we joined the M6 North though, we saw the strangest sight - a very large man with a big nose giving a short black guy a brown envelope that was bulging. As we got closer, we saw who it was - Mr Bruce, the Sunderland manager! And he was talking to Charles! What a coincidental meeting. You would have thought if they wanted a catch up they could have at least found a Starbucks.

Tuesday: Some of the lads brought the new FIFA game into training today. It's strange though, because some of the boys play the game very differently to how they play in real life. Gary never lets the ball leave the ground, Victor grinds out 1-0 results but Jordi is an absolute monster. I don't think he finished a game with eleven men on the pitch. He even made Old James cry when he hammered one of his players, breaking his leg according to the game. What made it worse was they were both playing as Wigan - and Jordi made the tackle on Old James's character in the game. We'll have to explain to Old James that it's only a game.

Wednesday: This Welsh fellow called Jason is still hanging about Christopher Park. We really should figure out who he is. He insists that he's a footballer, but we're not so sure. We've had this before at Wigan, that`s how Marcelo Moreno kept getting a game. He looks like he`s seen a few B&Q cafes though so we made him help David Jones to put some new decking up. Never mind whether they're footballers or not, they'd make an excellent Ground Force team.

Thursday: Victor is very upset that he hasn`t been called up to the Nigeria team this week. Things have got so bad that he`s refusing to walk anywhere, instead he just backflips everywhere. That's fine while he's out on the training pitch, but when he's trying it down the hallways in our offices there just isn't enough room. He just knocks all our inspirational messages off the walls, how are the lads supposed to know how to be in a good moment now?

Friday: Tonight I'll be watching the England game against Montenegro to try and put together a plan to beat Bolton next week. Basically so long as we do the complete opposite of England we should be alright. Their intensity is all wrong. If only they could learn how to be proud of their defeats, maybe they could move on from this and grow as footballers.

Sheikh_Mahand

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