As adults, an incredibly vague term in itself, most of us still fear darkness. It isn't the possibility of what may exist, even fleetingly, where we can discern formations. It isn't the projections of our imaginations, which are molded anyway by others' stories and suggestions. It's the absence, the lack of concrete comfort. We associate the unfamiliar to that which we recognize. No one wants to lack knowledge. Conversely, no one wants to seek knowledge. Professions and careers comprise those who who can memorize and repeat. We don't want to know what's not there. We never want to see zero or sense nothingness. Even as I sit and type this, it's in the confines of an office building, pretending I'm not doing what's expected. Why is it so impossible to accept what we don't know, or even the fact that we don't know? Every foreign concept forces us, by some compulsory panic to define it and identify it (evil, love, god). In doing so, in our panic, in attempting to create a language for the unknown and create a relatable and relayable notion, the rudiments of all communication, we continually limit ourselves. It's so easy to dismiss the unseen, to feign ignorance. All other animals do. (Again, this is an assumption on my behalf, based on inconclusive results of tests composed through humanized perception, not allowing for avenues of cognition yet undiscovered by us.) No animal knows about death, but continues to live daily. The excuse of animal instinct is employed, or at least implied, whenever convenient, but again in a panic, and again uniformly inaccurate. Our actions are committed out of fear, whether as a direct reaction or latent, simple or complex, physical or psychological.

Why is darkness viewed so unfavorably? We've instituted and tailored so many fables and legends to explain what we don't know. Just to push away the idea of nothingness. For all the glory attributed to science, so many attempted answers still elude us, because so much exists beyond what our feeble minds can comprehend. Miracles don't occur, just that which we have yet to acquire the ability to understand. Reach into the darkness, leap into the void. It cannot be accessed by experiencing a variation on humanity, a different culture or a new religion. It's all still within the same environment. I don't suggest even slightly that there's any substance there to be found or cultivated. There awaits no reward, eternal or ephemeral. Explore the discomfort, the thinness, the idea of self-negation. Once inside the darkness, darkness ceases to exist in your perception. Once you embrace the otherness, the insoluble calculation, it dissolves. Once standing inside the darkness, you no longer exist. Inside long enough, your perception disintegrates. Once the understanding of nothingness envelopes your senses, you will understand that any action is its own reward and that so much that we pursue or regard is mere distraction. You'll know you're there when you can no longer see

I have only heard of one of these Philosophy of a Knife. I am personally afraid of all of these, but you can't go through life being afraid of anything I suppose. Here is a list of the worst/goriest/grossest movies "off all time". I will try and watch a few of these periodically, and warn/review them for you.1. The Gateway Meat2. Ostermontag3. Face of Gore4. August Underground's Mordum5. Men Behind The Sun6. Philosophy of a Knife7. Girl Hell 19998. All Night Long collection9. Tumbling Doll of Flesh10. Suicide Dolls11. Women's Flesh My Red Guts12. Harakiri collection13. Eat The Schoolgirl14. Guinea Pig: Flower of Flesh and Blood15. Slaughtered Vomit Dolls16. Satan's Drive-in17. Visitor Q

Asian Shock has been a guilty pleasure of mine for a few months now. One thing I learned is that they are VERY hit and miss. Some are astoundingly violent, some are painfully bizarre, but the best ones are a little of both.

Hard Revenge Milly: Bloody Battle is a sequel to Hard Revenge Milly which I have not seen, but as you can imagine that it really didn't matter.

The story begins with a girl walking though post-apocalyptic Japan (the year 20xx) looking to hire Milly to find the assassin who killed her lover.

During this conversation a bunch of random gas mask guys come in and distrupt what's going on. This is definitely where these types of movies shine, with random battles with tons of the red stuff.

At one point Milly busts out nunchukus, that for whatever reason has the power to rip someone in half. She successfully murders the half dozen guys who intrude on her conversation, by using swords, guns, and shotguns installed in her knees.

When shit settles down she tells the strange girl that she doesn't kill because she likes to. But ... she just ... never mind. Eventually we find out Milly is a cyborg and that revenge has only made her an empty shell ... blah blah blah.

She teaches the random girl to fight with Tonfa machine guns which was pretty sweet, and they have another random encounter with the two main baddies of the movie. Both of them are brothers, and one of them seems awfully interested in converting his brother to homosexuality. They fight and the one gay super villain rips Milly's arm off and punches her machine chest KO'ing her.

Milly blacks out and the doctor who gave her robot parts (in the first movie?) originally makes her stronger with crazier weapons.

Eventually Milly, the strange girl, and the two villains meet again. They battle, and Milly uses a rocket propelled arm to obliterate the head off the main villain.

Movie over.

I think the simplicity, and the shortness of the film worked to it's advantage. The bizarre level of this movie was way turned down compared to other movies in the genre. The violence was OK but sparse. Yeah there were about 4 decapitations, and exploding heads, but this genre yields some of most silly/insane violence I have ever seen. It's OK to watch because it does not take up much time, and the story is very easy to follow. The cinematic aspect was way disproportionately good to what kind of fluff the plot contained.

"The Rocky Horror Picture Show was on TV when I got home drunk at the weekend. It was released 35 years ago now and as such parts of it are fist-gnawingly corny, but traces remain of its original, disorientating weirdness. Widower exist in that strange territory somewhere between frivolous disco and late-night rock music made for people who take themselves too seriously, and the result – the camp, prowling glide of “Exposure” – seems to disorientate in the same way as Dr. Frank-N-Furter’s pube-rimmed garters did. The fact it was made in 2010 rather than 1975 only makes me feel weirder about it than Tim Curry’s hair currently feels about his face.

I catch myself at critical moments, not important ones, but ones where I find my mind looping in spiteful and deflective monologues. Of course, the reasons are numerous--jealousy, insecurity, justified superiority--but they all manifest in a singular tension. Often, the tightened muscles and reserved gestures go unchecked, but when I become conscious of them, my attempt to understand my own behavior spirals into an array of deception, deprecation and defense.

Am I simply justifying spiteful behavior the way my parents have for their entire existence? Am I as hypocritical as they are, guilty of act and injustice they wantonly ascribe to others? I maintain a very concious process of discerning what it is about a particular perceived incident or observed behavior that I may find distasteful. "Is it just someone you don't understand? Is it a way you would normally act if given the leniency? Is this born of your own self-loathing?" And I don't believe I blindly presume others to be amoral or disgusting (except white people). It's usually a direct response to a specific happening that I objectively question. Of course the questions still come from my own reference, so how objective can they be?

The point is that I recognize exact annoyances and respond by asking if I'm not the one with the issue. But people really are, at their cores, horrible, with no desire to connect. Every action seems to be advanced out of selfishness or cowardice, two qualities for which I have no pateince. And so yesterday, while reviewing one such encounter with blatantl selfishness, I began to think about meanness and epithets and if most of the vile behavior I detest is actually another form of connection. Maybe connection doesn't occur in the supposedly pure and open forms we so constantly seek on a daily basis. It isn't in a smile, but in a Bronx cheer. So, unlike my parents, cowards on this point, I should reach into what I find the most offensive, assuming that all interactive behavior, including violence, is a way to express the human desire to bond with another human. So, yet again, I reach the conclusion, that I am wrong, that the world is right, and thet all this miserable, crude positioning is expression and yearning. I can accept it, but I may just take another step back.

What's the best prescribed action? Is it that which relies solely on long-standing, individually developed ideals, disregarding the current circumstances and possibly deluding oneself waiting for the results to align with the desired/assumed conclusion? Is it instead action which is executed in direct reaction to each new event and piece of new information, accepted one's current state as the truth and while risking instability, making full use of one's own capabilities in any given moment? Or is it simply to avoid situations where one's fundamental beliefs are called into question?

Predicitons can be accurate, when based on one of a few variations of human behavior (and there are only a few variations), but only for so far.

Yet again, we drift slowly into the Clemente household, to witness America's favorite holiday torn down to its most degrading form and systematically destroyed in front of your eyes. This is Paul and Ian of the "Revolution" bringing you the latest in emotional scarring and dysfunctional families.

Paul: I was awakened before my alarm after a nice warm sleep, the kind that causes you physical pain to wake from. Mom was dressed in her least hideous of outfits; I knew her intentions were to go out somewhere. It looked like the whole family was ready to go somewhere preferably, without me. She told me everyone was going to the hospital to see my sick Grandfather, and literally gave me no chance to go with them. I weakly said I had to be at work by 2 and fell back asleep. During my sleep I thought about how much I was looking forward to X-mas eve dinner, the shrimp alone made my mouth water. So I called my buddy J to work out arrangements where I could go into work late and get to eat dinner with my family. Next thing I know there was instant strife when I told my parents this, my mom said and I quote; "great we have to have dinner ready by 5 so he can eat with us I guess I can't lay down then!" So I deduced my mother is getting mad cause she has to prepare dinner and can't sleep? I don't get it. The I got the usual Dad rambling on how I always think about myself and can't go through living here being greedy and selfish. I blew him off and went straight to the "Revolution towers"

Ian: I woke up at 9:30 am to be dragged to the hospital.I did normal morning stuff. At 10:30 we were off fighting all the way to the hospital. We picked up grandma at her house at noon. She didn't seem to thrilled to see any of us. Oh, by the way. The entire car ride both ways, mom and dad wouldn't stop touching the radio and changing the stations. JEEZ! Anyway, we got to the hospital with dad telling Jill and me how matches eliminate fart stench. Grandpa looked okay and was happy to se everyone. Other than that I was completely ignored. We got home and there was a call from my workplace. I said "f*ck them". The message on the machine simply stated that I was not to go into work Sunday niter. Cool. I went upstairs to chill in my room. Minutes later I was ordered by Paul to come to the revolution he. There we comprised this article as Paul made a tape and I made stupid noises...

Predictions for X-mas....

Paul: Personally, the way the pattern is going right now, it's going to go allot like last year. X-mas morning is going to go real bad into the morning. I am going to be woke up in a rude fashion. Mom is going to be enraged about something, and inform everyone she is not going to participate in X-mas and scream to take all her presents back and to never buy her anything again. After we all join forces to calm her down and to sit quietly in the living room, Dad will mysteriously disappear into the kitchen to fiddle with something insignificant. This will enrage mom again, and it'll take even more time to subdue her aging. When everyone is calm and ready to do X-mas Jill will play the ringmaster and start handing out presents frantically, she will be yelled at immediately, to begin more strife. After a few of dad's "ouch for me...?" and mom's "this isn't my size you'll have to take it back" mas will be over just like the ones before and all theOnes to come.

Ian: though I agree with Paul on some points (Jill, and parents' comments), mom will not threaten to quit Christmas. She did hat earlier his week and got it out of her system. Mom and dad will get along with everyone. Paul will be awaken rudely. Mom will meekly fret over something and be a mouse the entire morning except for her mild strife less complaints, ie "[tsk] Bob, why are you doing that? That's dumb" etc. etc. everyone will make lame jokes except Paul and most likely me. Paul will be tired, low-key, and treat everyone like shit and indifferently accept his gifts. I will try to get along with Paul while trying not to crate strife with parents, which is relatively impossible. Dad will get real friendly and goofy when grandma and grandpa (his parents, also known as nana and pop pop) arrive. Mom will disapprove of everything they say and do but hide it all behind that plastic smile. When they are gone, she will complain about everything they did …

(editor's note: this was written on an old word processor in my old bedroom when I was a confused young adult. Apologies for the bad formatting, and bad style. All that is posted is true.)

Thanksgiving '99

The expose of the century! Finally the secrets of the Clemente Thanksgiving holiday revealed to the public. Learn the inner most workings of the Clemente family as they come together on this glorious occasion to ruin all the sanctity of the holiday season.

Paul:

It was around 10 am when I awoke from a particularly good night's sleep; I listened hard to be aware of any sounds or evidence that anyone was awake also. In my mind, everything was safe so I took a brief nap. Suddenly, I was snapped out of my morning haze to hear my mom semi-cordially say " I think you should wake up and do Thanksgiving with the family" I groaned and turned over and drifted back off to sleep.... I knew what kind of trouble awaited me. The like a thunderclap my dad bursts in the room when I decided to wake up " Wake up! Clean this room! Get down stairs so you can have breakfast so me can continue the dinner making process" I told him I knew I should wake up, but it was no use he made his point and he left triumphantly. I got up took a brief shower and shaved and I listened closely to hear of any fighting, there was some but I dot know what or with whom. I went downstairs and my dad told me Hurry up and eat the "kitchen" is closed" he said sarcastically. I wasn't too sure what he meant by that because we only had coffee cake for breakfast and there was no preparation involved. Confused I got a napkin to eat it and watch the Macy's day parade "Get a plate dammit!" my dad screamed so I wasted a plate on a measly piece of coffee cake. I finally went to sit down and watch the festivities on TV and my lovely father screamed again " That's my seat!!!" I got up to watch him only hover around the seat with a cup of coffee and go back into the kitchen. I went upstairs to go back asleep...11:54am...

Ian:
I was in a deep sleep when mom saying something to the effect rather politely awaked me, "I think you should get up and have some breakfast." Then she commented on my face looking weird and I told her "Of course it does I just got up." So, after she left I laid in bed for 10 minutes. I heard one interesting thing. In the midst of conversation dad interrupted himself "Don't take grapes from the fruit bowl!!!" Since he yelled at Jill, mom naturally had to shut him down and come to her baby's aid. "Is the fruit for eating or is it just decoration?" she said. I went downstairs and was instructed on what I was allowed to eat and how it should be prepared. Ignoring him I made some waffles and then went back upstairs. But before I left the kitchen, dad asked," Did you see your brother up yet?" "I didn't see him so I don't know." In a rampage he stormed upstairs. I ventured to my room to make my bed. Paul then came into my room and sort of just putzed around. He left and went back into his room and turned on some techno music or whatnot. As he heard dad's thunderous footsteps ascending the staircase, he decided it would be best to close his door and I would have done the same. Dad walked into his own room and after Paul shut his door dad remarked, "Yeah, you'd
At quarter after 1 the doorbell rung and it was grandma, aunt Susan, and sardine, this woke me from the nap I was taking, I listened to everyone cheesily greet each other, Paul and I went downstairs and cheesily greeted everyone ourselves, but not before Jill yelled at us to go downstairs. Today she has
Been on some sort of rampage or crusade is a better word to get us in trouble.... telling mom that "The boys were pounding!!!" Anyway, Aunt Susan and I decided to talk about Bowie and Iggy so that took up some time and then Paul and her started speaking of Pokemon, then Paul brought down said Pokeball. I decided to make myself comfy and sit in the recliner but as soon as I did, dad stopped me cos today it has been "his chair". I gave him an odd look and when I did, he realized that he had publicly relinquished the chair to the people. Then I decided to put the footstool up and lean back. I was brutally yelled at for this, "What are you doing? Fold it down!!" I had no idea what this meant so I just put the footstool down and that shut him up but good. Then he started being a pro at everything and interrupting me about 6 times as he must do every time there is company, disgusted Paul and I retreated to the Secret Revolution Laboratory were we are composing this article...2:16pm...