A drinker’s guide to surviving beer shortage in Zimbabwe

THAT there is a beer shortage in Zimbabwe is now undeniable. I will leave you to debate what has caused the shortages; whether its panic buying, hoarding or Delta’s problem.

Or maybe imbibers are just so stressed at the state of the economy that they are increasingly resorting to the waters of wisdom for solace.

Here are a few tips on how to survive the beer shortages.

Beer shortages are real, so how do imbibers survive?

Drink beer not brandsThe late Dumisani Sibanda used to walk into a bar and would shout, “May I have a cold beer”.The next logical question would be “Which brand?”And he would bark back “Any cold one!” I used to laugh at this and advise him that he should be loyal to one brand. His quick answer would be: “You see, your problem is that you drink brands. I drink beer.”And with that he would take a massive swig from the bottle and the discussion was over.A time has come that you walk into a bar and order your favourite drink, by the time you order your third round that brand would have run out and you would have gone onto the next brand and if you are there for much longer, you would have drank several types of lagers.Let’s say you start off with Zambezi, two drinks later you will be forced to move to Pilsener, then all of a sudden you won’t mind Castle and then Lion and by the time the night is over, you would have had a few Black Label pints.Quick caveat here; there is no excuse whatsoever for drinking Eagle.Have friends that don’t drinkThe idea here is that most supermarkets and bottle stores have begun rationing beer to, maybe, three bottles per customer.So, with your friends that don’t drink, you start randomly visiting supermarkets and each of you get three beers. If all your friends drink, then you are out of luck, as there is a risk that they will crowd you out.Start a new circle of friends that is open to randomly driving or walking around town so they can help you stock up on your favourite brew.I can only hope that the friends you find are not SDA though, because the plan will simply not work.Befriend someone who works at DeltaI guess that Delta lot are the most popular these days.If they can’t get beer for you from their own stocks at factory shop prices, then the best that they can do is tell you which bottle store or supermarket will receive supplies shortlyYou then go and camp at that shop until the delivery comes in.I see some of you sneering at this advice; well if you can do it for cooking oil and fuel, you can do it for beer too.“Hold on,” I hear you say. “Beer is not a necessity.” But neither is cooking oil, you can use margarine (some say peanut butter) for cooking and with all these mshikashika and kombis, why should we be hustling for fuel?Quit beerI proffer this advice with a heavy heart. But if you can’t get beer, not even Eagle, what’s the point?But imagine the number of people at Delta who would lose their jobs if you quit beer. The driver who delivers beer would suddenly be out of a job. Oh dear, what of his poor family?The affable guy behind the till at the bottle store, the barman who always overcharges you because he thinks you are too drunk to notice. The bouncer at the pub, who lets you in even when you are wearing slippers and a tracksuit because you are now a regular.Imagine all these people losing jobs and it’s all because you quit beer.How selfish! – Twitter: @nqabamatshazi