15 People Share The Most Bizarre Thing They’ve Done To Get Out Of Sex

Share

AMC

Believe it or not, sometimes sex sounds like the worst idea in the world. In that moment you’re probably not going to be honest and say that, so you have to come up with some other random excuse to get out of there. A Reddit thread asked users to reveal the most bizarre or hilarious thing they’ve ever done to get out of sex. Here are some of our favorite responses.

1. A Legitimate Excuse

Girl I was dating in college wanted me to come over to her apartment. Told her I couldn’t because I was busy watching the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Movie with my roommates.

2. The Dryer

I was drunk, sitting up on top of a dryer in a friend’s laundry room. The creepy girl I had avoided all evening entered and had me cornered in the room. She pushes up on me, tries unbuckling my belt, and attempts to kiss me. My only method of evasion was to fall backwards behind the dryer and wait until backup arrived. Three friends heard her calling for help and sprung me from being trapped between the wall and the dryer. I left the room with them as my guardians.

3. Praise the Lord

I told her that Jesus wouldn’t approve of our having premarital sex (she stunk horrendously once I got down there).

When I would refuse, she’d literally throw a tantrum. Finally, after having enough, I told her she needed to leave. She proceeds to pout on the couch for a few minutes, puts in her iPhone headphones, then starts SCREAMING along to some songs.

FINALLY, she apologizes and I manage to get her calmed down. At this point she starts trying to get things dirty-dirty. I’m like, “Nope. Not going to happen.” But then came the big equalizer: She offers anal. I’ve never HAD anal, so I’m like – uhhhh, seriously? She says yeah. To the bedroom we head.

Even WITH the promise of said anal, I could NOT get over the overwhelming smell of zoo/farm animal that eviscerated the sanitation of the room the SECOND her shorts came off. I gagged. And that’s when I found Jesus.

4. The Limitless Wingman

Went to a bar with two buddies, one of whom was meeting a girl there he had a crush on. She was wasted when we arrived, and after introductions it became apparent she was interested in me–heavy flirting, obvious touching, etc. My friend with the crush took it in stride, sorta giving me a “c’est la vie” shrug, but I felt bad. I moved the conversation around till it was ripe to drop a white lie: I was gay. She didn’t believe me at first, so I improv-ed and wrapped my arm around my other friend, who was in the middle of wtf-ing after hearing me say that, and introduced him as my partner. She did a hip cock and asked us to prove it.

There are those moments when you catch the gaze of a friend and realize that what’s about to go down is something that you’ll laugh about later, or regale at each other’s wedding. It only lasts for a split second, but in those moments you can glimpse the depth of your friendship. We shared a moment like that before exchanging a slow, gentle, familiar kiss. She just stood there, then said “Wow, you guys don’t seem gay.”

Meanwhile my pal who was into her witnessed the whole thing, jaw dropped, and bought us two shots.

5. Good Point

I just say that I have diarrhea.

Nobody wants to have sex with someone who has diarrhea.

6. Nice Guy

Back in college I was a designated driver for a group of friends. We get to a party and my sober ass is bored. Then a very very drunk woman I knew from one of my classes started hitting on me, culminating with her telling me she’d fuck my brains out. Sober me thought this wasn’t kosher since she was hammered so I turned around for a moment and yanked a few hairs out of my nose. It made me eyes water and my nose run and I said, “I have a brutal cold you don’t want to catch. Why don’t you let me get better and then I’ll take you out.” I gave her my phone number and she though that was so sweet she passed out with her head in my lap. Three days later before class she came up to me, gave me a HUGE hug, and thanked me for not being a dick. We ended up dating and she’s still one of my best friends.

7. The Aroma

Went with this girl to some seedy love hotel (I’m Brazilian). She wants me to go down on her. Well, why the fuck not? Thing is, there’s a strange smell coming from down there. And it’s far from that normal, girly (and pleasing) smell. No, it’s not menstruation, it’s not poop, it isn’t anything caused by lack of hygiene either. It’s not even an yeast infection (I know these smells, trust me). It’s something akin to carrion, like there’s some necrotic tissue inside her parts. When I took her panties off I almost gagged.

So I did what any manly man would do — I immediately excused myself to the bathroom and escaped through the window.

8. That Got Creepy

I was with this one guy I was friends with, but didn’t like so much, and we ended up wrestling. He turned out to have chains on his bed… and he ended up handcuffing me to his bed. I dodged his kisses and had to fake a panic attack. Luckily, he was a nice enough guy to let me go… told him I was actually a lesbian and terrified of the dick.

9. Change of Plans

Last year I met a girl at a party, and we hit it off after getting a rather large number of beers inside of us. Eventually we moved into a bedroom and started making out pretty intensely. I was a virgin at this point, and I decided to get down to business for the very first time. As I turned aside to put my socks on (I like to be comfy), she slipped her hand down her skirt and ripped off a bloody tampon, thinking I wasn’t looking. At this point my drunken mind decided to go into overdrive to get me the fuck out of there, resulting in me saying the following words:
“Bluehhggh I need to bury my tequila.”

I jumped off the bed and ran off into the night like a mystic demon.

10. The Unwanted Surprise

I have never gotten credit for how smooth I was. I was younger, and doing some underpants grinding on the couch. Things were getting hot and heavy and I could feel how irresistibly hard he was getting, but something just didn’t feel right. I look down, and see a tiny dot of blood from mother nature’s shank on his plaid boxers. OH FUCK!! OH FUCK OH FUCK!! No way in HELL am I letting him see that!!! In order to save face, I did what any nervous lady could do. I as sexily as possible take off his boxers and start blowing him, but take his boxers and put them on myself. Talk about biting the bullet. Once he was sufficiently finished I dealt with the boxers, my business and everything while getting a drink for my now parched mouth. No need to finish me, thanks, I am too TIRED.

11. The Fort

While wingmanning a friend (who was having sex in another room of the house) I had to sleep in the same bed as the girl he was having sex with’s ugly friend. So she really wants to do the dirty but I’m not feeling it with her at all. So very drunk, I decide to make a “fort” on my half of the bed out of blankets and pillows and such and try to go to sleep. However, she is surprisingly aggressive, so for an hour I have to keep yelling at her, “NO GIRLS ALLOWED IN MY FORT!” She eventually got the message.

12. The Sprinter

I ran the fuck away. I was with a girl from a party out on the street going at it on top of a car hood in an alley. After a bit she tried to slip me in, because she was wearing a skirt and no panties this was easily attainable. She had a deathlock on my hips with her legs as I was standing there and I asked if she had any condoms. She told me “No,” and again with her deathlock on me started to steer me back into her. In my head I was thinking, “Fuck AIDS and shit, I don’t know her, she’s not even wearing panties.” Instead of telling her I didn’t want to, my drunk ass instead went, “Ohhhh!” and pointed out across the street. When she looked, I spun out of her grip and all in one motion grabbed my pants back up and went into a full sprint and jumped the fence into someone’s yard and took off down the street. About the time I hit the ground over the fence I heard her yell “Are you fucking kidding me!!!”

13. Self-Inflicted

The sex with my ex-girlfriend was so terrible (she’d lay there like a dead fish, basically) that when we would go out to bars, I’d purposely give myself whiskey dick.

14. The Escape

My friend was very drunk in college, and went home with a very unattractive girl. We had tried to stop him, but he didn’t listen. Shortly after arriving at her home, he said he regained clarity, and realized he needed to escape. She left the room for a moment to brush her teeth or some such task, and he jumped out her second story window. He forgot his hat, though, and had to climb back in said window. Then he jumped back out. It was a small school. We saw her on campus often.

15. The Ultimate Solution

I’ve never done anything to avoid having sex, it just keeps not happening all on its own.