Friday, August 21, 2009

i'm not "gone" per se, but perhaps a bit conflicted. i did enjoy this blog while it was active... but now it's a bit too "public" to those in my life who might read this blog just to check up on me. and i don't mean that to offend, it's just that once i realized that this blog had to be more than just meal accountability, i got scared to tell the world, anonymous and not-so-anonymous, what i was really feeling underneath. blogs are tricky like that. and recovery is damn hard.

if any of you have dealt w/ a similar situation, let me know... i'd love to hear your thoughts.

my breakfast is in a bit of a rut these days, but i still love it. i recently discovered sunflower seed butter...

Monday, July 6, 2009

thanks, suzie, for asking about my weekend (seriously). my weekend was... less than stellar. there were just a bunch of disappointments, and i finally let them get the best of me yesterday. when life hands you lemons... yeah yeah yeah.

so i'm in a kind of blasé mood, and i just want someone to tell me things will get better, easier, happier, more natural. and i'm not just singling out the e.d. but just... life. wah wah wah pity party for rebecca =/.

i made a quick dinner that reminded me of childhood, but i just sort of ate it because it was after 7:30 and that means i should have dinner. it nourished me, and i guess that was the point, but i didn't care a whole lot about it.

cheese & potato pierogies, peas

at least it didn't bother me that i ate exactly TWO servings of pierogies-- although i'm sure a 3-piece serving is intended as more of a side rather than a main dish.

i finished a new project this weekend for a class i will be teaching in september-- a market bag for groceries. i think it turned out great, although my picture is dark, as per usual. there are actually 2 cds crocheted into the bottom of the bag as a base, which i thought was a clever idea, but who knows how sturdy that will be... anyway, i won't be using this until after the class is over, so i have a while to find out!

and now i'm still happy for some quiet time... off to crochet outside on my porch. and because it's so beautiful out , i'll let belle come out there with me (she loves to be outside but i rarely let her).

Thursday, July 2, 2009

i took the kitten back yesterday. it was sad but sweet. had belle not turned into a stressed-out ball of fur, i certainly wouldn't have returned the kitten... but having this all happen this way made me realize that i'm not ready to let an animal affect my day-to-day life, and now i am more appreciative of having belle. despite her loud meows whenever i am in distant! proximity to her food bowl, and despite her shedding everywhere, she's a good cat, never biting or scratching or getting into any of my stuff, and she loves affection. plus she's generally lazy, which is a good thing...

i stopped off at trader joe's yesterday because i literally passed it on my way home from the cat shelter (i rarely go because it's 20+ min away)-- and i really needed to pick up something quick for dinner, as it was already 6:30 by then. i bought some lovely sushi, a box of green tea MOCHI (2 of which pretty much made my evening yesterday), some fruit, and a 4-pack of blueberry-raspberry oat bran muffins.

it's going to be a busy/tiring day-- too much to do at work-- but it's almost the weekend (off tomorrow!) and i feel pretty good. all of this stress would have certainly led me to use my eating disorder in the past... but i've made it through, and that gives me confidence and hope. i'm sad that several of my friends will be away this weekend, but i'm looking forward to some self-time.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

i don't even know where my camera is... somewhere stashed away from my kitty. life has been chaotic these past few days due to the little rugrat, and sadly, the kitten is being RETURNED today. i feel soooooo guilty for returning an animal, but she has totally stressed my cat out, who has now had two peepee accidents, and frankly, after 3 weeks of trying to work things out, i'm not willing to risk any more. i've since locked the kitten up in the bathroom and have given lots of love to my cat, who has resumed her normal litterbox behavior (thank the lord!). the kitten is adorable, but i cannot wait until this afternoon when i can bring her back and give both my cat and me some well-needed peace.

despite the hot weather, i was craving oatbran this morning. so here i am in front of my oatbran/banana/pblarabar/raisin/maplesyrup/almondbutter concoction. i've been extra hungry for the past few days... maybe it's been anxiety?

i guess i'll head into work... i've been working since 6:30 this morning (watching over my cat to make sure she was OK) so at least i won't feel too guilty stepping out early...

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

i've calmed down quite a bit from last night. i woke up famished (despite my late dinner), and munched a granola bar before heading out in the... 65°! weather for a perfect run. i've been doing the treadmill thing lately, since it's been so darn hot, so this was wonderful. i really don't like the treadmill!

i'm relieved that i'm going to see my nutritionist this morning and then my therapist on thursday. i've made it through a lot of rough moments this week, and i'm ready for everything to slow down a notch. that being said, i think i've also grown stronger from surviving all the chaos.

Monday, June 29, 2009

today was one of the roughest days i've had in a long time. my day went from calm to stressed, and just when i thought i had everything down / anxiety back to a reasonably-stressed level, BAM, cat decides to pee in a box of important papers rather than her litterbox.

after some much needed coaching from my therapist, i decided that skipping dinner would not be the best way to deal with the chaos. so i sat down to this, which was waiting for me right before my cat decided to make my day just that much better...

after 10 years of trying to recover from anorexia & bulimia, i have quite a bit of knowledge about what i should be eating... but really, i have no clue. my hunger signals are so off i wish my body would come with an owner's manual.
i see a nutritionist weekly, and she helps me develop a plan, based on exchanges, so that i can figure out what my body needs. but really, if it were as easy as just following through with a plan, i would have recovered a long time ago. it's not easy, but i still believe it's possible. there will be good and bad days ahead, but i hope this blog will allow me to see my successes on days when i'm struggling.