Faerieland: How Do I Get There?

Ah, Faerieland—that mystical pie-in-the-sky floating upon evaporated dewdrops! Of course, it’s not really a pie at all, but a city mysteriously hovering some odd miles above Neopia... but is this really the point? The answer is no, my friends. Focus. What we’re really concerned with is that whole “floating” bit I mentioned before. As hard as I have relentlessly attempted in the past, I cannot stretch my itty-bitty arms quite far enough to reach that distant world. And believe me, I’ve tried everywhere, but there are only so many high places one can try before defeat becomes obvious. I’ve climbed the tallest Terror Mountain peaks, the highest Meridell hills, and, yes!—even my neoneighbor’s garage. But I’ve been threatened too many times for doing so, so I decided that I needed some other options. To save yourself the trouble, I have listed these many ideas below. Go ahead and attempt them for yourself! (WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT FOR YOURSELF.)

1. TRAMPOLINES. I don’t know when you last perused the many fares available at the Neopian Garden Centre, but let me warn you—those carnivorous flytraps are evil. And I’m pretty sure as I ran in sheer terror, I broke a good dozen of those glass roses. All I’m saying here is be careful. But if you can successfully reach the cashier, kindly request a few trampolines. Available in many colors, these handy toys can propel even the heaviest of pets high into the air! You’ll reach Faerieland in no time! Just don’t use the Jelly Trampoline. (Easily punctured.) Or the Carnival of Terror Trampoline. (Scary.)

DIRECTIONS: Stick trampoline of your choice on highest known peak in Neopia. Launch Neopet of your choice onto trampoline. Watch to see if Neopet comes flying back towards the ground at uncontrollable velocity. If not, congratulations! You have successfully put your Neopet smack dab in the middle of Faerieland! (Or into orbit.) (These directions brought to you by the Neopian Garden Centre, the one-stop shopping destination for all your trampoline needs.)

2. CANNONS. Yes, it may seem dangerous. Yes, it may seem fool-hardy. But Petpets have been using this little-known secret for ages! (See: Petpet Cannonball.) It’s about time some Neopets took the plunge as well. Go to your nearest Battledome retailer and stock up on some Frost Cannons. These babies pack a powerful punch, so it is also advised to use appropriate armor in the process of firing oneself from said cannons. However, metal armor will only weigh your pet down. Instead, opt for marshmallows. Trust me.

DIRECTIONS: Place cannon on flat ground in open field. Shove reluctant Neopet directly down shaft. Add additional marshmallows as appropriate. Position cannon facing directly into the clouds. Fire away!

3. BALLOONS. Thought these were just party favors? Think again. FACT: Balloons were once used as air travel for the ancient people of the Lost Desert. (Not really.) In any case, I figure they’d work just as well in today’s modern Neopia. The Toy Shop has many a balloon up for sale in plenty of colors and shapes. You’ll need a lot of those seemingly worthless helium-on-strings to lift your Neopet off the ground, so go crazy! And as an added bonus, once you have reached Faerieland, you may offer your recently purchased balloons as gifts! You never know when the Rainbow Faerie will need some birthday supplies, till one day... BAM! She’s giving free fountain dips to anyone who so much as mentions confetti.

DIRECTIONS: Inform your Neopet that his/her birthday has come early! (Leap year or something. You know. Get creative.) Abruptly fasten in excess of four hundred balloons to his/her waist. Repeat on self. (WARNING: POP BALLOONS WHEN YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR DESTINATION. Otherwise you’ll keep floating. FOREVER.)

4. BOTTLED FAERIES. If for some reason you wish to spend gobs of money on a one-way trip to Faerieland, then you’re in luck! Bottled Faeries are hard to find, but perhaps you can convince the Shop Wizard to find you some at a reasonable price. If so, you must act quickly and snatch those sparkling critters before someone foolishly sets them free. After all, you’re not after their silly little blessings, right? RIGHT. You’re trying to spend exorbitant amounts of neopoints on air-travel! So before you haphazardly open the lid only to send our faeries fluttering away, read closely the following...

DIRECTIONS: Buy as many Bottled Faeries as you can possibly afford. Explicitly explain that the faeries’ freedom depends on their cooperation with your plans. Cut many pieces of string—attach some ends to you, your pets, and the rest to the faeries. MUSH! With your powers combined, you’ll reach Faerieland in no time! Just don’t expect any faerie quests after this.

5. SCORCHIOS, EYRIES, KORBATS, OH MY! Yes, this may seems obvious, but to achieve your great intentions you will need a ton of help from these trusty Neopets. Perhaps you already have some of these flying friends? In this case, enlist all their friends with wings to assist! Or, as I prefer, use more secretive methods to lure some winged creatures close. Pteris and Eyries particularly enjoy birdseed. Unis are attracted by mounds of combs and hair products. Skeiths will pretty much eat anything. I’ve found sofas and omelettes to work quite nicely. Just make sure that you are far away from their mouths as they come close. Skeiths are known to chew first and think later.

DIRECTIONS: Assemble army of flying Neopets. Offer more of their favorite treats if they “play taxi.” Tie numerous pieces of rope to your own Neopets and those who have somehow been convinced to transport you. Up, up, and away!

I have many more methods. Some include Buzzers; some include intricate diagrams of warping the space time continuum. But I am sure from this handful of suggestions, you will reach Faerieland in no time at all! From my Neopian family to yours, we wish you safe travels and happy adventures in the clouds! Perhaps one day, we will meet in that magical land and celebrate my innovative genius together. Surely you wouldn’t have gotten there without me. Right...? RIGHT?! Right.

(WARNING: THIS GUIDE DOES NOT ASSUME ANY RESPONSIBILITY FOR PHYSICAL INJURY, LOSS OF POSSESSIONS, DESTRUCTION OF NEOHOME BY HUNGRY SKEITHS, AMNESIA, CONFUSION, LOSS OF APPETITE, OR INABILITY TO RETURN TO THE GROUND WHILE OR AFTER REACHING FAERIELAND. I HAVE SEVENTEEN LAWYERS ON STAND BY READY TO DEFEND MY CASE. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.)