This story about stolen shrimp fried rice will keep you on the edge of your seat

Comedian Zak Toscani, like the vast majority of working comics, also has a day job, but that doesn’t mean that he leaves all the drama and the mystery of show business behind when he gets to work in the morning.

On Thursday, Toscani became embroiled in a tale so twisted it would have made Alfred Hitchcock proud. A tale of shrimp, lies, and video. A crime story where the criminal has been identified but remains unpunished, her motives completely unknown.

It started when a man’s lunch went missing from the communal work fridge.

Co-worker got his lunch stolen and they’ve agreed to let him watch the security camera tape. This is the most excited I’ve ever been at any job ever. Ever.

What?! Why? Was there a personal rivalry? Did she mistakenly think the food was old and needed to be thrown away? As of right now, no one knows, since the man who was deprived of his delicious shrimp fried rice decided to let the matter drop.

Her motives remain completely unknown. In lieu of what he saw on the tape he has decided to not to press the matter anymore. I can’t say I blame him. We don’t know what this women’s fully capable of

Points to clarify: he bought the shrimp fried rice around 11:30am (carry out) and put it in the fridge to chill until he takes lunch at noon. So she had exactly a 30min window of time to do what she did. There was no intention of microwaving the food

Update: Ok so when dude watched the video with HR they asked “what do you want to do about it?” he told them he was solely interested in who did it and that he didn’t want to be responsible for someone getting fired

This is when Toscani’s comedian side took over. While most people would be content to sit back and watch, he couldn’t help but get involved. Taking a page from Hamlet, he tried guilting the thief into a confession.

Unbeknownst to the guy and the woman, I just ordered 3 shrimp fried rice plates for lunch and will be hand delivering them

I wish I could close this up with a neat little bow, but, it appears that we may never know why she did it. Maybe she doesn’t know she did it. Either way I’m now forced to work 40hrs a week next to a cold blooded individual

“It’s an ongoing story in terms of that when I come back into work on Monday morning I fully expect co-workers to bring it up quietly.” Toscani told the Daily Dot via email. “I have no idea if the thief will see it or mention it to me.”

Of course, he had no way of knowing the story would get the viral attention it has. In addition to being retweeted and liked hundreds of thousands of times on Twitter, the story has also been picked up by every place from Buzzfeed to the BBC, and everyone is clamoring to know what will happen on Monday.

Omg that’s it?! Wtf!! I need to know why she threw his lunch away!! Why didn’t he get her fired? Did they date? Did he dump her?? What is the backstory?

With all the viral attention, it seems likely that the thief will end up having to explain herself, but Toscani, much like his co-worker, doesn’t want to see anyone lose their job.

“I feel like I would have acted in the same manner as the victim,” he said. “You wanna know who did it, but I (like he) aren’t interested in like getting someone fired.”

Clearly, Toscani has a knack for storytelling, and if you’re interested in hearing more from him you can check out “All Fantasy Everything,” a podcast where he’s a regular guest. Although no matter how fantastical that podcast gets, it will probably never compare to the strange goings-on at a typical office during the work week. Makes you wonder why no one has ever made a show about that.

David Britton is a writer and comedian based in Rhinebeck, New York who focuses on internet culture, memes, and viral news stories. He also writes for the Hard Times and is the creator of StoriesAboutWizards.com.