Whisper of Renaissance says to me … new beginnings. I am at a juncture in my life where I need to find new beginnings. I am a wife and mother of three; two beautiful girls, ages 19 and 26; one trying to “find herself’ in her new freedom as a high school graduate and the other about to take on a new role as a wife and an amazing son who lives out his dream in heaven … that of a Catholic priest! So with all my children “leaving the nest”, it is time I now find my life, my passions and my loves. It is also time that I face my fears … fears that I have held onto and who have held onto me. I need to take that risk of leaving my box of comfort. I need to again find, yet, I sometimes wonder if I ever had it, that desire to live life to its fullest. My greatest longing … to discover the little girl inside of me … unafraid of trying, of being different and so fearless! My little girl hid for fear of rejection, stayed quiet for fear of never being heard, and hid talents for fear of being criticized. I have been inspired by so many women I have discovered through these artistic and creative blogs, who have faced their fears and are achieving their life’s dreams. Soon, I will be one of you …

Friday, July 18, 2014

This is not an easy diet - at least not yet. I am so accustomed being able to just go in the kitchen and pick out a snack or something and this doe snot allow that. Craving those chips so badly, I can just taste them. But I am bound and determined to stick to this as they say after and during as well you get to a point and you feel so good, and that is what I am waiting for ... to physically feel better.

The yoga is going well. Still going and still realizing how tight my muscles are and how weak I am. I though with all of the years of lifting Erich I would have more muscle but maybe have lost them all over the past 8 years. Time to rebuild.

The weekend is coming so that makes it harder to be on a diet. I love to go to the movies and how can I go to a movie and not eat popcorn - it'll kill me :(. Maybe I can get some of that FIT Popcorn, that's actually pretty good as long as you don't get the olive oil one.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Well I started. Today is actually the first day. I got my box in the mail yesterday with my Isogenix - a new 30 health cleanse. I need this so bad. I feel so sluggish and I know it is because how poorly I have eaten over the many years and the unbelievable number of years I have been drinking diet coke - to an excess. Those 44 oz. Sonic Diet Cokes in Texas...everyday, maybe even twice in addition to having diet coke at home. And I keep reading how horrible these diet drinks are for you. I stopped those also today so will track if I feel better in giving them up. I better because I will surely miss my daily trecks to Sonic!

I began Yoga and oh my gosh. Talk about not having exercised in years - that's me. I had no idea there were those muscles in my body. I am so weak and so unbalanced. I should have started this practice years ago. I went to my first beginners class and loved it. Yes it was hard and I have a long way to go but am looking forward to the increased strength and flexibility. I have read where yoga is the best thing for a persons physical, mental and spiritual being. I so need this. Going again this morning. Will try to go 4 times per week.

Prior to today , I have been baking with the idea that I may want to start a business selling sweets; but I got on the scale this morning and had gained 5 pounds since doing this. I don't think this is the business for me. I taste test way too much. How are there ever thin bakers? How do you not taste it to determine if its good or not. I cannot rely just on others, so my mind is working overtime in what else I can do as a side business. Maybe after I get through this 30 day cleanse I will have more will power.

Part of my problem is that I eat when I am stressed, unhappy or just plain bored. I am not hugely overweight. I would say 20 pounds. But the way I relate to food is not healthy. It has been my crutch for so long. I must find another relief for stress. I am hoping yoga fulfills part of that, in addition to walking. My husband and I started o walk. I love being outdoors, especially in the evenings.

I take my measurements today as well - not looking forward to that. We are brought up thinking we have to be this certain size or look and that plays on girls and women's psyche - especially if you have body and eating issues already. I have to rid myself of what I "should" look like and just be happy and comfortable where I choose to be as long as it is a healthy weight for my body type. I always tell myself I want to be like when I was 35 and 120 pounds - yeh right. That will never see the light of day again! And it actually should not. I was almost anorexic looking at that weight. This whole body thing is an issue for me and has been as long as I can remember. With this cleanse and new healthy way of eating and with the help of a woman who provides workshops just for women on Living Well, I am on my way. It will be a struggle. It took me 59 years to get this way and I know it cannot happen overnight. The thought of that magic pill is not going to happen and I finally have to take responsibility for the way I am. I cannot do it for anyone else - it is for me.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

We have all heard the saying ... "today is the first day of the rest of your life" ... right? Today that saying is all mine. Today I start a healthy lifestyle, one that I have always wanted to do but have never done. I have always envied, and I know envy is not a good thing, all those women who have the commitment and what it takes to live healthy and practice healthy eating and physical activity. And then there are those of us - who think about it all the time, and yet never get our assess of the couch and do anything to change our life's. I read blog after blog, women just up and do it, and make it all sound so easy - well let me tell you, it is not that easy. It is probably one of the hardest things to do for yourself.

I, have never put myself first. In fact I will put a stranger first before I do anything for myself - why, I am not totally sure. But I have also heard, one does not need to know the whys of everything. And that is what has been striking me lately, that I want to see others happy, yet not myself. And that got me to thinking about me - finally. In two weeks I will be 59 years old - and although that is really not that old, in some places I am considered a senior citizen, which is another topic for another day! And at 59 years old, I can honestly say I have never put myself first and have never been happy. Oh sure I have been happy and there have been so many good times in my life, but that's not what I am talking about here. I am talking about inner happiness and contentment. That is what has eluded me my entire life. I have no idea what that even feels like - to be totally happy with me, as a human being, as a woman. And that is what I am starting today - that journey and search for inner happiness. Sounds silly to some, but I want to love myself as much as I love my son, two daughters and husband.

I will be blogging this journey every day. Some days may seem quite boring to most, but I think if I write about it - it becomes more real. I become accountable to myself. Wish me luck ...

Friday, June 28, 2013

Do you ever wonder how age just creeps up on a person? One day we wake up
and look in the mirror and wonder who is looking back at us. Sometimes it is
quite the surprise.

Where did those parenthesis lines come from; those lines around the lips -It
is the parenthesis lines and the lip lines that are the worst. Maybe I could
deal with everything else - well then, maybe not ... when the clothes come off
is when it is OMG! Gravity has sunk in. Where did those perky boobs go? And
that flat stomach? Let see how many kids contributed to that bulge down in
the tummy area!! Not a pleasant site to see … lol. But it is something we
have to get use to and own if we are going to get through the rest of this life
as happy campers!

I have to admit there are days I do struggle with it - mostly the face. The
body is mostly covered up -I am one of those women who do not wear lingerie to
bed but stick to the good ol flannels and even sweats if it’s real cold.
But the face, I see that every day. Give me a magnified mirror and it’s like I
am in a horror show! Where did those wrinkles and brown spots come
from???

I was purusing through a magazine last night and had just also reently gone shopping and one of my biggest pet
peeves ... the beautiful young models used for cosmetic lines. They are promoting the latest in wrkinkle creams - seriously??!! Look at the makeup section of department stores. We walk in with the hopes of finding that lotion, cream or even blush that will take ten years off and we are faced, plastered all over, with the beautiful faces of
models - - young models, with no wrinkles, no age spots who don’t
even need half the stuff these cosmetic lines sell. We all
want to look like them, even at 50+. So what do we do; we buy the
products - if they can look like that why can’t we? So the salesperson wraps our miracle products up and sends us home - on our way to a more youthful glow! We apply these miracle products night after night and day after day; and we wait, and we
look in the mirror and we wait some more, and look again. And this time - we
notice our lines are not so harsh, a little softer (I mean softer wrinkles are
better than hard wrinkles - right??) Could these products really be working, or
are we just hoping that we see a difference. Whatever the case, it’s made
us feel better and we are happier at the woman looking back at us! And we will keep using it and go back for the next miracle product!

Everyone handles aging differently. Some woman resort to plastic surgery, others
to injections and then there are those women who believe God has blessed
them with this beautiful face and it should not be tampered with. Those lines tell the story of your life. Yes some lines may be hard, but
some stuff in life is hard; and then you look at your laugh lines and remember
all the good times you’ve had, and it makes those lines perfect just the way
they are!

I do wish cosmetic lines would embrace the older models – there are some gorgeous
50+ women out in this world - and include them in their marketing. They need to
embrace that woman who has led a real life - with its ups and downs and her
face the better for it ... the face with character. Age is not a bad thing. We have lived this life and stood strong through all of its challenges and should be proud
of every minute, no regrets, no do-overs ... just the way you are ~ it is your life ~ love each of those lines – they got you where you are
today!

Thursday, June 27, 2013

I cannot believe it has been almost two years since I have blogged last.
Guess I kind of got out of the mood or was not sure what to write about - still
do not really, but thought I would try it again.

In looking at the blogs out there, or at least the ones I come across,
that so many of them are written by younger women - and lets just say I would
not count myself as one of the younger ones, although in spirit I see
myself there!! But I do not relate to them as they are blogging about their
kids and such, and there are a lot of us out here who are way beyond those
child bearing years and actually waiting to be a Granma! Maybe I am not looking
in the right places ... any suggestions out there????

I am 57 with a birthday coming up and still trying to find myself and what
inspires me. I read great stories and articles about how women follow their
dreams and just do it - but I am stuck, how does one just do it? And secondly
how do you know what your dream is and is it really worth pursuing? I have been
with the same company for 25 years, and although the pay is good and generally
I like the work, it is not my passion. It does not inspire me to be creative
and do more. I ask myself all of the time, what is my passion - how do you
determine that? I like doing crafts, I like decorating my house, yet that
does not do it for me. And I really do not know what does. Are any of you like
this, where you just feel stuck in your life and you do not know what to do or
how to get out of the rut?

Several years back I took writing classes at UCLA online and loved it. But
there are so many writers out there, I just say to myself, you are just wasting
your time; you will never get published. I have a son who died almost 8 years
ago now, of which I have either wanted to write a story about him or a children’s
story about disabled children and acceptance, but I don’t – and why don’t I?
Who the heck knows? That’s my frustration. Why can't I make myself do these
things?

And the funny thing about this is that although I am 57, my parents are
still alive and one of my biggest fears is that I will not have accomplished
anything worthwhile before they pass away. What kind of thinking is that?

I am afraid but of what I do not know, and everyone says I don't need to why;
I just need to do it. OK bloggers, how do I just do it? How do you go forward
with your dreams and how do you know what these dreams really are? I guess you
could say I need some help!!

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday of the year. I love the idea of giving thanks to what we have, to those in our lifes, and for all of Gods gifts that he bestows on me during the year. There are times when I am down when I think that I have nothing to be thankful for ... but thats not true. I have everything to be thankful for. Most importantly I am thankful for my loving family, my husband Jim, who puts up with my many moods, for my daughters Aarika and Lindsay who everyday make me laugh, and for my son-in-law Tony who treats my daughter like a princess. And I am so thankful for the most amazing 24 years with my son Erich. I have an amazing extended family here in Texas and am so thankful that they have "taken us in" and included us in their lifes.

And I am thankful for my mom and dad who are amazing, they are in their 80's and still drive cross country to visit family; my sister who I don't see much as she has become a world traveler, but who I know I can call up and bare my soul to; to my brother Jeff who endures so much pain yet always has something positive to say to me and to my brother Brian, who sees the best in life regardless of the situation. I love them all and am so grateful for each of them.

I forget sometimes how much I do have in my life and I need to remember this everyday not just around the holidays. Family is what's important.

Erich you have been gone for six years now and in some ways it seems that it was only yesterday that we were all sitting together in the lving room watching the USC/UCLA game and eating chips and dip, but in other ways it seems it has been an eternity since I have seen you, hugged you, heard your crazy laugh, listened to your quirky jokes and listened to you and Lindsay and Aarika go at it at dinner time! Remember, if you stop talking, its no longer your turn??!!

Life goes on Erich and so much has happened since you left us; I know you keep up with all that has haapened in all of our lifes, but its not the same. Its not the same that you are not here experiencing it with us. I miss you more than these words could ever type on this page or that I could ever express. My heart hurts for you but I know that you are happy where you are and you are without your wheelchair and any sort of pain. You are getting do to do all you were not able to do on this earth and that makes me so happy. I Will always carry you with me and keep you close to my heart.