Wednesday, June 6, 2012

I really did not think I’d have to write this post. Trying
to avoid the super topical, I figured that the Bridget campaign would be pushed
off the bridge, apologized for, and swimming with the three eyed fishes of the
Halifax Harbour by now. Or maybe in a Mayor Quimby-esque scandal she’d flee the
country with Peter Kelly in October. She could also go to night school and get
that other degree she always thought she could! I don’t care. What matters is,
once again my faith that common sense would eventually prevail was wasted on an
event that happened in Halifax.

The debates have already been had & the names have been
called. Some of us are sexist pigs, while the rest of us are prudes who need to
get laid. One might claim I’m beating a dead horse with this, but oh no, this
eyeliner loving horse is still in great shape. Big Brother of the bridges, she
watches over us, hurling ‘sassy’ yet tollpayer appropriate insults that makes
her sound like a sixth grade girl who wears those terrible shirts that say “Attitude”
in glitter. As she extols the virtues of wearing a seatbelt (or else!), an
uncomfortable swell of voices asking “No, seriously, is this seriously serious?”
grows louder. They are serious, but I am too. The Bridget campaign is a detriment
to women’s progress, a blemish on our city, and not even an original concept,
which means my outrage can be conveniently recycled when someone rips it off of
us.

I have provided the following responses to common “insights”
about the campaign in an easy to reference list format. This is a definitive
guide to all the major sorry excuses that I’ve heard for Bridget, and why you
should defriend these people on Facebook, or at least put hair in their food
the next time you’re at their house.

“Bridget’s not that
sexist.”

I feel as though I’m cheating with the ol’ “not that”
arguement, as I’ve heard it so many times before, although usually referencing
race. I figured I would call in the experts for this one, and like anyone who
loves anecdotal evidence, I messaged the only black person I know who would
understand why I would ask which term was more offensive to her at 11 o’clock
at night. I mean, she’s also doing a thesis on apologetic culture in the 21st
century, but I have my priorities in order. What followed was laced with words
that probably should not appear on my blog.

“Hey Niki*,” my message read, “which would you rather be
called: a (expletive word that is not the n-word) or (the n word)?”

What makes her the best internet friend a girl could have is
that she promptly messaged back. “Girl you cray” but then insisted “(non n-word
expletive). Obviously. But they’re both as racist as (the f-word.)”

“Yea,” I devils advocate, which I am just now making a verb,
“but isn’t one kind of less racist?”

“Hell (yea, I’m not expleting that) no,” came the typed
reply. “I mean one is old crazy uncle at the family reunion racist and the
other is just you KNOW you shouldn’t say that so (the f-word) you racist, &
I’d rather be called one than the other, but to pretend that either isn’t
racist is embarrassing and apologetic. What’s this for, anyways?”

“A metaphor for sexism.”

“(Eight expletives in a row.) Are you serious? That’s even
worse. Racism sucks, and it’s sly, but at least when people rip on race it’s
considered offensive, whereas with sexism it’s touch and go. Sure, there are
exceptions, but people generally take it very, very seriously when I complain
about racism, but when I say something is sexist people get the impression it’s
less important? I’ve dealt with lots of crap for the colour of my skin, but I
am sexually harassed because I am a woman. Don’t tell me one’s more important. Where
do they get off?”

“Exactly.”

“Exactly.”

“K thx.”

Expert indeed.

“It’s empowering to
have a strong figure of authority. It’s the OPPOSITE OF SEXIST.”

Somewhere between when women everywhere got access to birth
control and Sex & the City became a thing, the myth of the slutty feminist
emerged. The slutty feminist exists mostly in the imaginations of people who
fantasize about Bridget everywhere, although there is a kernel of truth in
every urban legend. Described as both a man hating army like character who’s
unappealing but also lipsticky and do-able, the slutty feminist (or SF, if you
will), uses MEN FOR SEX. MEN. For sex! That’s sexist against men, right? Alas,
in reality, society finally recognized that ladies had a right to sleep with
who they please, and some pleased to sleep with many men. But that’s okay
because who cares? However, where this gets annoying is SF, our mythed up
heroine, gets her poor taken out of context self used by marketers are some
kind of empowerment figure. Like, go ladies! Reference genitals all you want
because you are SASSY but classy because you do it over brunch.
Men, it’s okay, that birth control she fought for means you’ll never have to
call her again. High five fellas! Am I right?

These stereotypes hurt everyone. Bridget is reduced to a
domintrix figure that may not be blatantly pornographic, but her overt
sexuality is hard to mistake. Once you accept this unarguable truth, this opens
the ability to make some pretty frank statements. Bridget is a figure of
authority because she is sexual. It’s okay for Bridget to be sexual because she
is attractive. Bridge safety is important. All of those are messages that this campaign
is sending out, but only one of them is relevant to my getting from point A to
point B, and it’s the only that involves the least amount of latex.

“Shocking ads are
what gets through. It’s tame compared to other ad campaigns right now.”

In the first year of a public relations degree, you learn
that the term for someone who actually believes the old adage “There’s no such
thing as bad publicity” is “a gullible idiot.” Sex certainly sells, but what?
Sex in advertising is the most painful way to admit that you pulled an all
nighter and had no better ideas. Using pure sexuality in a branding campaign
for a bridge is the best way to communicate you could not come up with anything
clever, or meaningful, or touching, or funny, or clear, or effective, or pretty
much anything that would be any good. Sex is boring already; if this campaign
is tame compared to others, that’s part of the problem. This is either a
potentially offensive and boring ad or just a boring ad, so why bother? There
are times when sex makes sense in advertising. These times are called condom
commercials, and sometimes maybe body wash. Do we get an inflatable Bridget at
cultural events, like that kind of creepy dancing Mac Pass? I don’t want to give them any ideas, but I’m
guessing not, because all Bridget is a picture and a sultry voice designed to
get you to slow down or something. I forget. I don’t remember what she’s actually
saying because she keeps trying to make it sound inappropriate in an
appropriate way. How effective.

Although Bridget certainly doesn’t hold a perfumed candle to
what’s happening in Guess, or Tommy Hilfiger, or Dolce & Gabbana in the
pages of teen magazines, at least there’s some logic there. These companies
want to prey on young women’s insecurities to familiarize them with the
product. Bridget wants you to drive safe on the bridge. How can one even
explain that to a young woman? The Bridge Commission is admitting that women’s
sexuality attracts attention, so they’re going to manipulate it for the “benefit”
of “society.” Who wants to grow up in a world where girls are considered so
worthless? In all the focus on target demographics, key points are forgotten. I
propose what I am dubbing the “Is this awkward?” test: if you can’t explain a
city wide ad campaign to an eleven year old girl without feeling like a
terrible person, and you really can’t here, then it shouldn’t get the go ahead.

“GRAHGHGHBN.”

I included that statement for all of the idiotic,
nonsensical babble that make you wonder when the standards for literary
comprehension got so low. Trust me, this is a required category. In it, I could
talk about how a perceived increase in public safety is not an excuse for
sexism. Or how we undermine men by assuming that an onslaught of potential
bridge breast is the only way to grab their attention. I could bring up that
when people are called sexist, they start to list off every woman they ever
knew. Or, just for you, we could even chat about how I’m just a wrinkly old
prude feminazi who never shaves her armpits (untrue) , but really, those are
your conversations to have. I may have corrected some repeat offenders here,
but a talk about how sexuality is represented in the media is frequently
unwelcome but always necessary. So while I may not take the bridge for a very
long time, and I don’t have a car to tailgate in anyways, Bridget has made an
impact on my life. Hopefully, I can make an impact on hers as well. I can only hope after this gig she goes on to speak about the importance of literacy, or of staying in school, or of any real human woman in a real position of power.