The Last Laugh

By Uncle Bear

As I listened with rapt attention and childlike awe the North
Carolina Licensed Wildlife Rehabilitator shared the facts dealing with
the rescuing of a baby gray squirrel. At the conclusion, the
administering of prescription drugs along with vodka set me in
motion, causing uncontrolled laughter among all who heard my
attempt to be helpful and honest.

When she works on injured wild animals that need drugs, distilled
spirits (whiskey, vodka, brandy) are often employed. Alcohol does not
harm the animal but aids the absorption of medicine.

When the rehabilitator finished, she remarked that she had used
vodka rather than brandy. While brandy is a rehabber's spirit of
choice, (because of its smoothness), when only a small bottle of
Russia's favorite alcoholic beverage is available it will do.

This caused me to hatch a great idea. While it had been over a dozen
years since I had been in a liquor store, and then only to ask if they
had any Seagrams Crown Royal sacks, I thought I knew what I was
doing.

The following Saturday a friend took me to liquor store to make a
purchase. He felt it prudent to accompany me inside. Truthfully, I
was grateful, as mentally I felt like a bull in a china shop.

Addressing a clerk at the check out counter, I stated I wished to
purchase the smallest, least expensive bottle of brandy he sold.
Reaching to a shelf behind him, he set a one ounce bottle of amber
colored liquid on the counter, stating this was what I wanted. Asking
the price plus tax, I began fishing for a bill and the coins to complete
the transaction.

It was then I began to provide comedy without having any idea I
was doing so. As I handed the purchase price to the man, he asked if
the brandy was to be used for cooking.

"Why no," I replied wondering why he would ask such a foolish
question. "It's going to be used to help heal a baby squirrel with a
head injury." The clerk didn't reply but simply handed my purchase to
me. Saying, "Thanks," my friend and I departed.

As we walked toward his vehicle, my buddy began to chuckle and
then erupted in full blown laughter. Stopping him, I inquired what in
the world was so funny.

"Uncle Bear, reverse the situation. You work with the public and
you've heard almost every possible reason to purchase alcoholic
beverages under the sun. In walks an elderly gentleman desiring to
purchase a bottle of brandy, and appears not to know either sizes or
prices. As you hand him a one ounce bottle, you query the-old-timer if
the brandy might be used for cooking. 'No, no,' he replies. 'It's being
given to a squirrel, to help it mend.' Uncle Bear, trust me. You're
going to be his major topic of any conversation all weekend."

As we motored toward my home, I too began to laugh. Not from
what had just happened, but at a long ago conversation between my
daughter and a grocery clerk. When my child was asked if the small
jar of olives she was purchasing was for herself, she replied, "Uh-no,"
being surprised at such a silly question. Then, as an afterthought she
added, the olives would be given as treats to her cat.

Cat Treats?

Uncle Bear is a writer and researcher in North Carolina. He can be reached through: