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Bum-shaking marvel Beyoncé… may have caused consternation in the US with her weight loss tips – she told reporters that she lost a stone in two weeks for a movie part by living on maple syrup and water – but she has other fish to fry. She is planning a £1.5million wedding to her considerably less attractive fiancé … Jay-Z. According to US gossip hounds, the ex-Destiny’s Child singer turned half-baked actress is getting hitched in the Caribbean in November and has ordered £1,500 of beluga caviar, will wear a wedding dress modelled on Princess Diana’s and has Oprah Winfrey and UN secretary general Kofi Annan on the guest list. Wow. Rumours that she’ll be shot up the aisle out of a cannon singing Survivor have yet to be confirmed…

Brandon RouthFrom one matrimonial milestone to the next. Plastic-looking Superman star Brandon Routh has shocked all 12 of his fans with his announcement that he’s got engaged to his girlfriend Courtney Ford. ‘Fancy that – I thought he was gay all along,’ remarked one fan. The pre-publicity for Superman Returns made the most of the film’s homoerotic elements, with stories about how the studio had to make a codpiece to go under Superman’s red pants to stop Routh’s bits and bobs from distracting the audience. ‘He’s very happy,’ says his publicist and so are we – at least the end of the Superman hype now means we won’t have to hear any more nonsense about the size of boring old Brandon’s willy.

Married hellKevin FederlineWeasel-faced love rat Kevin Federline, better known as Britney Spears’s chavvy husband,committed career suicide at the weekend with an excruciating rendition of his rap single Lose Control at the US Teen Choice awards. It was so bad that it’s already made it into YouTube.com’s most-watched clips. Kev swore his head off between delivering lyrics such as: ‘I’m a superstar, I’m married to a superstar.’ Hmm. No, Kev, you’re a love rat dancer who got a misguided millionairess up the spout. Celebs such as Mischa Barton, who’d been lined up to go to his after-show party, gave it a miss. Even kooky, part-time X Factor judge Paula Abdul quipped: ‘It’s Britney that I feel sorry for.’ Britney, it’s gone too far. Keep him locked up in the basement for your own good…

Paris HiltonShe’s always had a shifty demeanour – and we don’t just mean her wonky eye – but now Paris Hilton seems a lot less savoury than she pretends in her monosyllabic, empty-headed interviews. Wily Paris is said to have been plaguing her fellow spoilt party girl/arch-enemy Lindsay Lohan by monkeying with her mobile.

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Paris was barred from US service SpoofCard for ‘violating their terms of use’ and now Lohan claims Paris hacked into her phone and messed around with her messages. ‘This is in the hands of her lawyers,’ says Lohan’s rep while Paris’s PR stresses the company hasn’t yet directly linked Paris to Lohan’s telephonic traumas. Hmm.