Tuesday, March 27, 2007

After the previous title of my blog, “Am I ok?” I am still speechless… still have no ideas what have happen to me. So, I have no idea what to drop down here. I can only pray that tomorrow will be better than today, as I continue to endure and find my focus and direction back.

My heart is in pain, but not even one drop of tears can shed out from my eyes. Try to find a sad movie to watch in order for me to cry my heart out but I end up feeling nothing. I decided to watch comedy then, well… couldn’t really laugh out as well. Hmm…wondering, do I still have feeling? Can I still feel things around me? Where is my emotion? Where is Jenny Liau?

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

I have no idea. Everyday I wake up it’s like dragging a dead body walking around without direction, without purpose, without meaning… Am I still ok?

Every songs that I listened, seems doesn’t pleased to my ears. Every thing that I do seems never going to end. Things are still the way they are and I am still standing on the spot where I am standing. Am I still ok?

Out of the blue, I will have difficulties in breathing. It’s like a big stone pressing on my lungs that I can’t breathe well and I have to take a big breath in order for me to take another breathe. Am I still ok?

All of a sudden, tears will drop down from my cheek; my emotion will control the nights and tears will lead me to my rest. Am I still ok?

Laughter and smiling face are with me, but my heart is in pain and in confuse. What do I want? What do You want? Where am I heading? Could I just go? Am I alone? Am I thinking too much? What have gone into me? Am I still ok?

Thousands and thousands questions pondering around my heart… I wish to stop this feeling, stop these questions, stop this sadness… but I just couldn’t find my secure, couldn’t find my answer, and couldn’t find my peace and direction. Am I still ok?

I am so lost… so confuse… so heavy… so breathless… so clueless… so unhappy. Please bear with me if you are around me. I need support and encouragement.

Friday, March 02, 2007

Already two days I came back from Sabah… Terrible feeling, awful mood. I don’t feel like working, don’t feel like laughing, don’t feel like doing anything else. I only wish that I can stop this feeling and pray that God will take this away from me.

It’s torturing…. I don’t know why, and it’s suffering. I miss my family, I miss my parents, my little brother, my aunt, my home and I miss Grace, Ah Boy, Vui Vui, Shirley, Fui Ping, and others old friends that used to grew up together with me. I miss them badly. Only two weeks, but there are big changes that I have to get used to. One of my colleague no longer works together with me. I miss her…. We used to be very good friend. We came to work together, off together, went out for lunch together, laugh for nonsense, and share each other works. But now, only left me, alone.

Going back to an empty house, the lights are not on and this doesn’t help my mood to be any better. My dear housemate went to Kelantan for working purpose and leaving me alone with my sister only is even worst. Thank God I still have my sister with me. If you know me well, you will know that I don’t really like changes in my life. If can, I would like to keep everything the same and pray that it will never change. But I have no choices but to face changes in life in order for me to grow. This is painful.

Coming back to reality, get myself back to the rat race… Back to packed schedule and busy lifestyle. I hate this kind of feeling. Anyway, I know that tomorrow will be better because each day, I learn to get used to my surrounding in order for me to keep surviving. Learning to be a joyful and a better person each day, to love and treasure everything.

I thought going back to my hometown is for one purpose but I never thought that God want me to settle something else first. That is to settled my past.

Sandakan is the place I grown up. St Michael Church is where I belong, also a place where we meet each other. From stranger, we get to know each other and we further down our relationship. Going back to my church allow many memories came back to me because that is the place our love was built and that should be the place I settle my emotion and my past. Stepping every place that we used to go, walk by streets of memories…. Only left a smile in my heart to thank God for what I’ve been through. The past no longer haunted me, for I am free because Christ dies for me.