November 29, 2010

SERVED: Can ANYONE come up with an original idea in Hollywood? Mere days after the announcement that Buffy the Vampire Slayer is being rebooted without any help of its creator, the next beat-a-franchise-to-death move is Mean Girls 2 (trailer here) where I guess the Plastics return and then a rival group forms and if I can guess, will become even meaner and realize they are no better than the Plastics. You know why I can guess it? Because this movie isn't new or creative, it's just piggy-backing off a fresh, exciting movie from years ago and trying to drain money from it. That's why this movie needs to be SERVED. Tina Fey might be swimming in 30 Rock money now, but I bet she's even realized this is destroying her creation. Please world, let's not see this movie in any capacity.

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November 26, 2010

The Amazing Race - The racers fly to Bangaladesh and learn immediately that there's DOUBLE U-Turn ahead. There's lots of airport scrambling but let's just say some teams book good flights and others just spend their time at the airport eating Dairy Queen.

Jill/Thomas arrive in Bangaldesh like 7 hours before the other teams, so they pick up clue #1 by drinking their sugar cane juice. Then there's a Detour: pick up and deliver meals to a boat or balance bricks on their head and transport them. As the other teams are boarding their final connection to Bangaldesh, Jill/Thomas already finished the Detour and arrive at the U-Turn (this Double U-Turn means 2 teams can U-Turn another team). Jill/Thomas U-Turn Brook/Claire since they're top contenders; so we're now one-step closer to an A-Hole Couple final 3. The next task is a Road Block where one teammate has to assemble a rickshaw. Jill bangs it out and they head to the Pit Stop, where they are Team #1 and win a $15,000 Discover gift card.

The other teams are finally arriving in Bangaldesh, hoping to get a minor lead to avoid that double U-Turn. Nick/Vicki were able to get in before the others and, for a brief moment, consider U-Turning Chad/Stephanie but then they don't. NOOOOO. The good news my Doctors are able to get to the U-Turn before getting screwed over and they get to U-Turn the newly engaged Chad and Stephanie. Everyone battles at the Road Block, with Chad trying to heckle the Doctors to distract them. The Doctors check in third and Chad/Stephanie/Brook/Claire race on foot to find the Pit Stop. Brook and Claire just barely beat Chad and Stephanie, and hooray, an a-hole couple is eliminated!

The Biggest Loser - It's come to the week everyone [read: my mom] has been waiting for again: makeovers. New hair, outfits and most importantly, removing those fat man beards. They also have a photoshoot for People magazine and a "fashion show" which we all know is code for bringing out loved ones to make them weep. Everyone gets some decent makeovers but Elizabeth is dressed like a moron with some weird pink veil belt. Seriously, I don't know but I guess it's pink for breast cancer? Also, Frado is dressed like a castmember from Grease. Backstage is, of course, their families.

The glitz and glamour of the fake fashion show end and the losers later meet up for a challenge: walk up 300ft worth of stairs or take a train to the top. The train is worth 1pt, walking is 5; first to 100pts wins a Ford Edge, which is completely surprising considering Alison is standing next to the stupid car. Just as Ada or Brendan are about to win, they stop at the top of the stairs and chillax because they'd rather give the car to someone who deserves it (Patrick). After harboring her physical strenth, Ada decides it's time to manage her mental demons with her family. In a surprise to no one, Elizabeth came in last in the challenge and didn't even finish; she cries. I don't.

Weigh-in. Good numbers for all, except Lisa who gets goose-eggs; that means 0, not that she ate goose-eggs, which would also be a logical reason why she didn't drop any weight. Frado falls below the yellow line with Lisa with a mere 4lbs. So now the question is keep your alliance or keep around that chick who keeps falling below the yellow line every week? Duh, keep the alliance: Lisa goes home.

November 22, 2010

Name: Phaedra Parks, Real Housewives of AtlantaSERVED: Last night, newest RHOA castmember Phaedra Parks gave birth to a bouncing baby boy. I bet you're thinking, childbirth is nothing to SERVE, Melissa. Well it is when you've lied about your due date to pretend you didn't have a shotgun wedding. Phaedra insisted that her baby was full growth at 7 months and they were inducing labor. Well they were inducing labor because she was 40 weeks- that's like 10 months, gurl! SERVED. I get that she didn't want her family to know this, but any person can do math. And when the baby was born, via C-section, and she got her first glimpse she said "Ew gross." Gross is for diapers and spit-up, not the first words to say to your baby. SERVED.

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The Amazing Race - The teams have to book flights to Muscat, Oman and all the teams end up at the same travel agency to book their flight, but Chad and Stephanie are mysteriously MIA. That's because they overslept! Suckerrrrs! The Doctors and Brook/Claire get an 8:55PM arrival, while other teams are stuck on a later flight arriving 2 hours later. At 4:30AM, 2 hours past their departure time, Chad and Stephanie leave their hotel as complete morons. Chad and Stephanie luck out and get a flight that arrives only 10 minutes after the 2nd flight. Boooo! No fun!

Upon arrival in Muscat, the teams retrieve some shiny silver stones with departure times for the next morning, so it's the who-gives-a-shit-if-you-got-a-good-flight blues. Chad and Stephanie, you know the couple who scream at each other all the time, get ENGAGED while waiting for their 7:45AM departure. Their relationship status gets updated on the screen, the teams swoon, and yeah good times. Back to the good stuff: the racers retrieve their clue to drive to Jebel Shams, the tallest mountain in Oman, and a driver will take them to the top. Gary and Mallory are the only team who don't seek help from locals, and their map gets them super lost. For the teams that actually get to Jebel Shams, there is a Road Block to repel down the mountain and search genie lamps for Aladdin's magic ring.

The teams make their way to a monument that's a big stack of books (neeeeerds!) and get their Detour. Teams can either pump water from a well into a truck and deliver it or make a traditional wedding soup. Everyone picks water- duh. The early leaders are Chad/Stephanie and Jill/Thomas, aka a-hole couples. While it seems like Pit Stop time, the couples now have to get some frankincense at the market and deliver it to Ali Baba to get another clue (finally for the Pit Stop). Jill/Thomas check in 1st but receive a 30 minute penalty for paying a cabbie to lead them to the Pit Stop (which the clue told them not to do). Chad and Stephanie instead get team #1 honors and win a trip to Belize- hellooo, honeymoon. Turns out the Doctors and Gary/Mallory are way behind the pack, so it looks like one of the 2 teams I actually like could be going home. Gary and Mallory, the spunky father/daughter team that I am 6 degrees of separation away from, are eliminated from the race. It's a bummer since I don't like 3 of the remaining 5 teams.

The Biggest Loser - The game switches back to individuals, probably so the women stand a chance. Bob is upset Jesse and Aaron get eliminated, as he was really personally invested in them. After some pep talks and work-outs, Bob and Jillian deliver some wonderful news to 7 people: videos from home! I say 7 because contestant #8, Ada, does not have her video. Apparently her family blames her for the death of 2 of her brothers; so yeah, downer. The losers want her to feel the love, so they make a video for her as her new family- awww. I barely watch the videos but essentially their fat loved ones are trying to the drop the weight at home too.

Because Ada is haunted enough by her family by not getting a video, the challenge takes place at a pool, so great week. They have to balance at different time increments, with a challenge another person aspect, and the winner gets a 1lb advantage at the weigh-in. Red shirt Mark wins the challenge which honestly lasts forever; so glad I DVR this show. Also, Lisa wins a $500 gift card for making a low-calorie sub. Weigh-in brings the announcement that next week is makeover week (I imagine my mom "wooo-ing!" from the couch). As the men inch closer to 100lb losses, the women struggle. Elizabeth and Jessica fall below the yellow line. Who is going home without a fancy new wardrobe and haircut? Jessica.

Survivor: Nicaragua - In blatant foreshadowing, Fabio talks about the need to keep the fire going all the time so they barricade the fire with wooden chests full of food, etc. Since the preview set-up Brenda and Sash running this game one of them is probably going home. The castaways begin to realize Brenda is running everything and a power play might need to be put in motion and it's Holly leading the rebellion. Even NaOnka, Brenda's pal, wants her out cause she didn't come out here to go home with nothing; Chase still thinks Benry should go first. Chase is Brenda's bitch.

The reward challenge is to cross planks with some barrels and rope without touching the ground (like the game you play at home @phil_robinson said on Twitter). The winning team (Chase, Jane, NaOnka, Fabio, Purple Kelly) gets to go slide down a volcano where there's also a feast of pizza, brownies, and soda. While that team is having the time of their lives, the Libertad camp is up in flames from the fire. It's like the Saved by the Bell: The New Class where Ryan left the Christmas tree lights on in The Max all night and burns The Max down. This should be more interesting but it's just like, "Good work dummies. Now you have no food."

So first thing Chase does is blab to Brenda about the plan to get her out. Ugh Chase- such a lil' bitch. Chase is trying so hard to get NaOnka back on their side, trying to get Benry out. Nay finally wakes up and decides to swap sides and align with the side that wants to take out power players, and they all get in some good Chase bashing because he's Brenda's lapdog. Jane wins immunity in a leaning/balance challenge, narrowly beating out Chase. Back at camp, Chase still doesn't trust Benry is hellbent on trying to get him out. NaOnka informs Sash of the plan to get Brenda out, leaving him a little puzzled what move to make and if perhaps he should give her the immunity idol. Chase also informs Brenda that Nay is the one who jumped ship, which pisses her off and makes her voting plan to blindside NaOnka.

At Tribal Council, Brenda calls out NaOnka jumping ship and Nay denies it, blames Chase. Purple Kelly finally speaks and she's as out of the loop in the game as we are of who she actually is. Brenda wants to stay in the game but refuses to scramble, because she sees it as a sign of weakness. Jeff brings out the urn of votes and when he asks the infamous immunity idol question, Sash does not give it to Brenda. It. is. AWESOME. Brenda is voted out of the game and I really thought people didn't see her running everything before but alas, I was wrong. I thought Brenda had the game in the bag but man, power plays rule!

Finale!Top Chef: Just Desserts - The chefs must create a progressive four course dessert tasting for their final challenge. At a special night occasion they find Johnny and his 50's soda jerk hair waiting for them with a cocktail in head and wisdom to share. Johnny brings out some desserts and he brings out the chefs who made them... and they're no ex-contestants! Now that's a twist! Their sous chefs for the final challenge are 3 top pastry chefs.

The feeling in the kitchen is "anyone but Morgan" who's always a tool and cranked up the AC while Yigit, sick with a cold, slept. His sous chefs? Also admits she hates him- to other judges! Listen, the dude's talented by a major tool. The tool is making this cake, which I can't spell, that resembles a tree. Danielle is making one dish an ice cream sampler and Yigit doesn't want to budge on what he's making. One day 2 of prep, the famous sous chefs are out and ex-contestant sous chefs are in. Offffff course. Morgan pulls Heather H and really believes she'd F him over. I honestly forget who these other sous chefs are they got picked; the unpicked get to dine at the tasting, so waaaay better. The tasting happens- makes me hungry.

Final judges' table time! Danielle's ice cream sampler is universally loved and her chocolate pudding cake is ugly but delicious. Yigit's sorbet and ice cream dish blow the mind. They liked his date metaphor and that it was cute but tasted so sophisticated. His made a pineapple coconut cake that I'm dying to try and even braised the pineapple 5 hours. Morgan's souffles crashed, though it was a good taste and contrast. His bahmkuken was well-done and eventhough he did a macaroon again, he nailed it. And the winner of the first ever Top Chef: Just Desserts is... YIGIT. Team Go Diva FTW.

November 15, 2010

SERVED: The men's team on this season's Apprentice hit a major downtown and with only 4 men remaining, project manager Anand was about to bring a victory to his team. 2 challenges later, shit hits the fan. Turns out while acting as PM, Anand texted a friend asking them to come to Trump Tower, bring $50, and take a petty cab ride from him or a teammate and act like he didn't know him. Scandal! More scandalous because he denied the accusations until Trump himself read the text message to the room. SERVED! Dude, if Donald Trump asks if you're lying, just admit it. Anand was fired for cheating and sent packing, but in a final SERVING, he had to walk home. No fancy cab ride for him!

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The Amazing Race -The teams remain in Russia for this leg and get their first clue instructing them to "join the circus." Task #1 is a Detour: learn a Russian folk song on the accordion or spin 10 plates on poles. The immediate first impression is to pick the plates, which I assume as well, but everyone sucks and begins to swap Detours again (except the Doctors and Gary/Mallory who picked accordions first). Brook/Claire are the ace of plates, probably because they sell a lot of plates on TV, and leave the Detour first, followed shortly after by the Doctors. They receive their next clue directing them to Bank Bridge, where they'll find their next clue between some statues that remind me of those laser-eyes statues from The Neverending Story.

At the bridge they receive a clue to go to some random building but the rules strictly forbids paying a taxi to lead them there; they can only receive help from locals. I'm sure this narration will have no impact whatsoever on the race Amazing Race wrong gong noise> They have to climb the tower and find some teeny statue sending them to a church. Exposition OVERLOAD. The Doctors and Nick/Vicki find their way first, teaming up to get ahead since the Doctors are awesome at everything. Bad news for the Kevin/Michael: they didn't read the directions and took a cab. D'oh. Nick and Kat (or Nat?) figure out the clue, then mislead the other teams. They walk to the church and find yet another clue, sending them Peter and Paul Fortress for another clue. This is a shitty recapping episode- am I right? Kevin/Michael are mad they were lied to, but I think they'll be madder when they realize they kept taking cabs and didn't read a clue right. Brook/Claire were smart enough to re-read the clue and go back and complete their walking portion. Final clue of the night is a Road Block: play a Russian version of bowling called "gorodki." They'll have to complete 3 formations, none of which involve knocking Phil Keoghan off the pins like the promo made it appear. Boo! We want contestant-on-host violence!Nat and Kat are awesome at gorodki and check into the Pit Stop first: they win $5,000 each. More and more teams arrive as Michael/Kevin lag behind since the dad, the weakest man on the race, has to do this physical challenge. Jill/Thomas and Michael/Kevin having grabby cabbies that want their money. Meanwhile, Stephanie finally knocks down the pins and Chad recommends they ditch the bags if they want to stand a chance at a footrace against Kevin/Michael. Chad/Stephanie get there first but learn they must pay the cab driver before checking in, so they go back. Kevin/Michael arrive to check-in but find out from Phil they received two 30 minute penalties for not following the rules; yup a whole hour. Chad/Stephanie run back, pay the cab, and walk back to the check-in but they also didn't follow the rules. Since their 30 minute penalty would lapse before Kevin/Michael's 1 hour, they are team #6 and Kevin/Michael are eliminated. Ahhh reading is power.The Biggest Loser - The losers return to the ranch to find Ali in the kitchen and she ain't hockin' Jennie-O turkey. After what, 3 weeks with teams, everyone will return to original colors however they are now competing as pairs. And a whole pair will go home this week. How will they pair up? After a hard work-out with Bob and Jillian, they set down to dinner with Alison at a fancy table and she announces dinner is a Temptation challenge: after a 3 course meal (which they get to select off a menu), whoever eats the most calories at dinner wins. Only Elizabeth, Aaron and Brendon are into this party, gorging themselves on calorie-rific food. Brendon makes a deal to let Aaron partner with Jesse to make him drop off. Lisa, who ate healthy all meal, indulges on dessert and is floored when she finds out she ate a 1,400 calorie dessert; she says she'd never do this at home, but Frado wisely points out, "But you're on The Biggest Loser." Duuuur. Brendon ate a total of 3,500 calories and wins the Temptation. Everyone is pretty satisfied with their partnerships, except Ada who wanted to be paired with a strong guy and didn't like Aaron getting paired with who he wanted. Waaaaaaah.Bob and Jillian don't care for the pairings, both as a concept overall and who is paired with who, and predicts 2 women will leave this week. Later there is a challenge to stack sugar cubes one at a time into a 5ft tower. Ada and Jessica at least display that the girls aren't completely useless in the game by winning the challenge. Then they address women and desserts with the new Extra Dessert gum and, for realsies, it's DELICIOUS. Mel Got Served APPROVED. Bob then gives Lisa a reminder and how much she needs to be on the ranch and not chowin' down on desserts that aren't product placement gum.At the weigh-in, Bob and Jillian flip out upon learning Lisa cooked Elizabeth's food all week. Aaron and Jesse proceed to lose only 20lbs together; but Aaron had a huge number last week, so the 4 makes sense. Lisa and Elizabeth both come up at 8lbs, but Elizabeth feels like crap since B&J berated her. They get into a passive aggressive argument with Lisa and Elizabeth and them not wanting to really be there, and Lisa says she's still in the game because she's "a placeholder" for Frado and Brendon to beat in the end; crying ensues. I like this term and will apply it to many shows- like Survivor: Nicaragua having like 6 placeholders still around. Brendon and Patrick demolish everyone, with Patrick losing 19lbs and Brendon 18. Ada and Jessica overcome the lady odds and stay above the Yellow line. So up for elimination are Aaron/Jesse and Lisa/Elizabeth. The votes are cast and the placeholders stay put, sending Aaron/Jesse home and crushing Aaron, who considers being votes off by Patrick a complete betrayal of friendship. Good news is in the live at-home reveal they're both skinny.Survivor: Nicaragua- The tribe isn't buying Marty's speech; Jane is now calling him Farty, so yeah, she's hysterical. Marty knows he's on the chopping block, so approaches some of his possible allies for a plan to pretend to vote for NaOnka but actually vote off Jane. Jane wants to whoop his ass in a wood shed.The Reward Challenge is an obstacle course, all to collect 3 keys to open locks; yes there is a wall of hay! In fact there's a hay wall, stick barricade, and a brick wall; wonder where they got that from- hmmmm. The teams were randomly drawn, but fate said, let's make it men vs. women so the women can not be able to break the stuff. The winning team, the men (sans Chase, who sat out but picked to side with the ladies), get a canopy tour, zipline ride, and of course food in the form of a BBQ. Purple Kelly, who I don't think has spoken all season, begins crying because she's so hungry and lost. Jeff gives a proposition that the men could give up their spot for a woman to eat and they decline. Hello, it's a BBQ and zipline. Of course, Marty thinks this is a great time to talk game with the guys and it's like, you idiot, why would you tell Sash? They also discuss the Brenda/Chase bond- sounds like my initial pick to win could be in hot water.Even Brenda knows Chase is kind of dumb: a puppy who follows around his lady pals. The women want Marty out, but Holly has some trepidation about Brenda and Sash's bond but Chase half trusts her, half doesn't. He tries to talk to her, ignoring Nay's advice to not ignore her; someone's becoming a liability. The Immunity Challenge is a memory challenge of turning blocks to display a pattern of symbols. Brenda beats out Marty for the necklace, which bums me out as I'd love to see Jane still try to cast a vote for an immune Marty. The guys are still planning to get NaOnka to flush out her idol and let Chase know their plans. Everyone is still hinging on the vote of Brenda, because these morons still can't realize how amazing of a player she is; she runs this shit, not Sash! Brenda and Sash convene and agree that it's a good idea to flush the idol and maybe to keep Marty around to have a thorn in the side to the women and Chase; they don't like the new Chase/Holly/Jane bond. Running the game, they are running the game and I love it!At Tribal, Jane's likability is the main topic of discussion because you don't bring the funny old lady to the end if you want to win. Jeff brings up Nay's food stealing and gets a little terse with him, admits she's human and she screws up, and doesn't like Marty at all. There's a lot of giggling from the Nay/Marty bickering- it sounds like a 4th grade classroom. Fabio expresses his irritation with Nay and the feeling is mutual. Jeff is speechless that NaOnka can talk so much shit and still be in the game; we all are Jeffrey, we all are. NaOnka does not play her immunity idol, so that point of the plan is moot. The votes are cast and Marty joins Alina to sit in the jury member bench. Looks like pleasing NaOnka is the route picked by Sash and Brenda.Top Chef: Just Desserts- Quickfire: The guest judge is Francois Payard, who used to be Moaning Morgan's boss. The remaining chefs need to tell their life story through a box of chocolates. Get it? Like that movie Forrest Gump from 16 years ago. They have to make 4 chocolates and one of the winning recipes will be distributed at Godiva stores. Morgan continues his streak of being a total dick by yelling about piping bags, then making a chocolate that represents this experience crushing his soul. Yigit didn't finish his 4th chocolate, so he doesn't get the full judging experience. Morgan wins- YAAAAAWN. For once I thought Danielle was the best- her chocolates sounded tasty and had better stories. His soul-crushing Top Chef truffle will be distributed at Godiva stores, so if you want to taste hell on reality TV, head to your local Godiva store!Elimination challenge: make a 61st anniversary for some old dude and his wife. Winner gets $15k too. Each chef gets some time to talk to the lovely couple, Ben and... Sylvia Weinstock, the cake lady who looks like the Old Navy lady with that dog Magic. TWIST ALERT! Definitely didn't see that coming. Morgan, to make a point that he's an asshole again keeps the piping bags from earlier for himself. The party stops and Morgan's cake is plain white buttercream, clean piping, and topped with a little piano with pink flowers. The piano is cool but the rest is a snore. Danielle makes a gray cake in honor of Cynthia's wedding dress and added piano keys and roses as decor. Zac's cake: kind of a wreck. The meeting at the beach theme is out of control; white chocolate sea foam, looks slanted, so gaudy. Yigit's cake is pretty: yellow buttercream, pink flowers, and some odes to the piano. Bad new is he can barely cut the cake- d'oh.Judges' Table. The judges liked Danielle's piano key steps and her chocolate cake was really moist. The gray color was considered unappetizing. Yigit's cake was over-complicated, but his flavored buttercream was delicious and appreciated. His pink chocolate flowers on the top were also well done. Morgan's simplicity was admired, but the panne cotta inside was meh and the chocolate was dry. Zac's cake itself was nice and moist, but the design was a bit childish and didn't represent them being old together. Zac brings up Morgan playing it safe with his boring cake and has no excitement when he wins things. The big question is who is heading to the final 3 and whose cake get sliced? Puns by Mel! Danielle wins the challenge and I'm happy for her- it was stylish and sounded like a flavor I'd like to eat. Zac's cake wreck is cut and it's Yigit and Moanin' Morgan advancing to next week.Photo Credits: BravoTV.com, BuddyTV.com, CBS.com, NBC.com, Survivor.com

November 8, 2010

SERVED: So it seems kind of obvious, but I guess if you're a public political commenter you probably shouldn't donation to campaign funds. Or at least if you didn't know, now you do, cause MSNBC's Keith Olbermann is indefinitely out of a job (in actuality, like a couple days cause he's back on the air tomorrow). Soo... kinda SERVED! He made political contributions to three democrats for the midterm elections, which isn't illegal but kind of unethical. So now Keith Olbermann is facing the consequences for I guess being a little too partisan. Think smarter next time, Keith! SERVED.

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The Amazing Race - In order to get to the airport to get to St. Petersburg, Russia, all the teams end up on the same train which allows some bonding time, sleeping, and smelly socks. They all end up on the same flight too, making a-hole Chad feel like a chump since he flipped out for nothing. Every flies to Russia to retrieve the next clue: a Detour teasing Classical Music or Classical Cinema. They can either listen to gramophones and identify those songs on pianos being played in another room or search through film clips to find a scene playing on the screen. Jill and Thomas take an early lead, finding the film quick quickly (because of Thomas' immense college education). Brooke/Claire and Kevin/Michael also do the film task and move on a lot sooner than the music teams. The music challenge is so loud, they all sound the same, and it's confusing, which makes most teams ditch it and head to the film strips (except Chad and Stephanie). Nick and Vicki suck at both tasks and go back to the music again; they eventually complete it.

After the Detour, teams retrieve their next clue which has them take a taxi to some neighborhood store in Alex-something-straya. One lucky teammate gets to participate in the Road Block of planting 50 potatoes rocking babushkas and fertilizing the ground with manure. Jill and Thomas are the first team to check in at St. Isaac's Cathedral, the Pit Stop. I wonder if he'll credit his college education to this victory. They win a trip to Sao Paolo, Brazil. Kevin doesn't listen to his dad about the Pit Stop being in the park, allowing Brooke and Claire to sneak in as team #2; Kevin/Michael come in 3rd. Nick chooses to do the Roadblock "drag race", not understanding the Roadblock clues are usually puns not literal, and ends up in ladies clothing and not in a race car. It's at least humorous to watch, and the locals love it to; they are the last team to check but aren't eliminated meaning their odd level of stupidity lives to race another day.

The Biggest Loser- This was the best episode of the show ever- know why? Because it was only an hour! Thank you elections! The true battle begins as this week is "all out war" when they get physically worn down by 2 Marine drill sergeants. Jillian looks like a saint now, huh? Immediately they put them in some gear, load 'em in a truck, and drive them off to Camp Pendleton for some serious training. Frado is psyched because when he wasn't a fatty he was a Marine; Aaron also can't wait to see what it's like to be in his military brother's shoes.

With their packs in tow, the losers board some big-ass helicopters and take to the sky to fly to their next location and "mission": the barracks. Dibs on top bunk! But the hike to get there is a bitch and the packs are heavy. Eventually they get there: they eat, sleep, exercise. Same shit as the ranch but outside and without getting Jenni-O turkey hocked to them. At least they get to complete in a nasty 3 mile obstacle course challenge, with the winning team getting phone calls from home. It's muddy, exhausting and loud; Blue team wins the phone calls.

The losers meet up with Bob and Jillian at the Camp Pendleton gym for a last chance work-out. Brendon reveals his new coif, or lack-thereof, since he shaved his head bald and got rid of his beard. As soon as the trainers come to campus, in comes a product placement for Fiber One. Eh, something new I suppose. The blue team has a terrible week, citing the lack of diet control - except Aaron who really helps his Blue team by dropping 14lbs. The Black team begins to catch up to Blue until Anna loses 2lbs, weak Elizabeth gains 1, and then Frado freaks out, apologizes for what he assumes will be a 6lb gain before weighing in, and then actually gaining 4lbs. The Black team has to eliminate a player again and eventhough Frado gained 4lbs, they eliminate Anna.

Survivor: Nicaragua- And then god said, "Let there be a merge!" La Flor moves into Espada's camp, which sucks because like 12 days ago they couldn't even catch fish from nasty water. Alina, a moron, proposes staying Espada strong and blindsiding Marty; no one is into it. The newly merged tribe, now named Libertad (which Marty names and explains means liberty or freedom, but I almost typed as LiberTARD), gets new red buffs because god forbid they think of a new color. NaOnka loves the feast so much she hoards nuts and farts on camera, then re-bonds with Brenda, both divulging everything. Chase, meanwhile, bonds with bumpkin Jane about being from North Carolina (raise up!) and all that southern stuff- fast friends!

NaOnka makes tortillas for the tribe but is livid she gets the crappiest portion, so she steals the flour and hides it in anger; Holly sees this happening though and is confused. Hurricane NaOnka continues her wrath by stealing food and cooking supplies and tosses them into the jungle too. As the tribe comes to the realization things are missing, Holly has the balls to confront Nay, who denies it all. Nay and Fabio get into a tiff, but she storms off. Alina feels guilty since she indulged in some stolen fruit during a bonding session, so she encourages Nay to come clean. NaOnka fesses up but massages the story to say was simply hiding it to ration it. She does but makes sure she beings Alina into the fold too. NaOnka's alliance decides to remain loyal to her, but Alina is left out in the cold. Marty's focus remains on Jane, but he approaches Brenda about this and you just want to yell, "Marty, you're an idiot!"

Immunity is given out to a man and a woman this week in an endurance challenge to use some contraption to hold a bar. Marty's dream to write Jane's name down on parchment will have to wait, as she wins immunity and still stays in the game to try and beat the remaining fellas. After Marty and Chase drop, Fabio wins immunity. Strategizing happens and the target is aimed at either Marty or Alina and since Jane is so hellbent on Marty, it's tough. Sash, who made a deal to return the idol to Marty this week if he was in danger, begs his alliance to not make him go back on his word. Brenda's there on the side and Alina's thrown into the mix, but Jane still refuses to write down any name but Marty. Lazy Dan lets Marty know that Chase mentioned Marty could be out tonight, so Marty goes right to Sash and Brenda to get the 411, then gets hostile with Holly. Alina, Jane, and I guess Holly try to sway the vote to get Marty out, and Fabio is their swing vote (and he wants NaOnka out). Alina says it's fine to vote NaOnka cause then Marty would have 6 votes, her 5, and Nay 1; he says that her scrambling and strategic gameplay is why they want her out.

Marty brings up his and Jane's beef at Tribal Council and again it's like, STFU idiot. Marty's the only person who seems to know she'd sweep the game at the end, going as far as saying if she made final 3 he'd even vote for her. Lazy Dan throws his hand up to defend his pal by throwing NaOnka and Alina into the ring for stealing from the tribe; NaOnka takes the blame, but Fabio points out she only returned it cause she got got. Alina defends her position, citing her swing vote status, even if she knew about some stolen goods; Benry calls her a "dirt squirrel" when he casts his vote which is officially my new favorite word. Dirt Squirrel gets pounded into the dirt, with her and Jane the only votes cast for Marty. The tribe has spoken and they said, STFU Alina and go eat an orange at Ponderosa.

Top Chef: Just Desserts - Quickfire: with guest judge Shinmin Li, renouned cake decorator that I've never seen on a Food Network Challenge, the baketestants must make an edible bouquet. Winner gets $5k. Yigit goes balls-to-the-wall and tries to pull sugar to make his own vase, but that MF'er Morgan bumps and breaks one. His other vase breaks while putting everything together so he throws together something last minute. Losers: Zac (sloppy chocolate work), Eric (who basically piped onto a cupcake), and Danielle (wasn't a 360 view). Favorites: Morgan (eventhough it looked like an urn for a funeral) and Yigit (sugarwork not there, but what he did make looked good). Morgan is named the winner- blaaah.

Challenge: create a dessert based on a famous contemporary celebrity duo of their choice for a tea party. Zac does Julie Andrew and her husband Blake Edwards; don't get me wrong, love me some Julie, but contemporary my ass. Morgan picks Reggie Bush and Kim Kardashian, which works since desserts give you a fatass- hey-o! Yigit does Madonna and Guy Richie- did he forget they're divorced? Eric does Oprah and Stedman- WIN! Danielle wins for creativity and chooses Conan and Andy Richter. But as they get ready for prep, Johnny comes in to alert them no chocolate is allowed this week. Only Eric seems to panic about this, causing him to make some busted teeny desserts. Yigit just get stressed about the chocolate too and comes out flustered, plates not finished, and covered in his turdish colored dulce de leche. But hey, Zac's Captain Von Trapp dessert contains Cap'n Crunch which is awesome.

Judges table: Morgan's sponge cake was delicious and well-adapted, but his macaroon stunk. Zac's desserts were refined and elegant, but also fun with his play on words and spot-on accuracy of his couple. Danielle's Conan cake was so red that you knew it was for him- her concept was delivered well and she makes the top 3. The winner is... Zac! I want the recipes cause they looked tasty. Yigit and Eric are the bottom 2, and their downer attitudes showed at the presentation. Eric's desserts were dull; 2 shortbread cookies? Snooze alert! Did his grandma send him the inspiration? Eric knows he messed up though. Yigit is still pretty down on himself, the chocolate threw him off. The dessert was jiggly, which they said is the opposite of toned Madonna (you say fit, I say leathery). Yigit gets the ultimate diss that his dessert tastes like the frozen stuff used on cruise ships. Ouch! Yigit at least embraced the challenge more with his Madonna/Guy Richie stuff, so he sticks around and Eric the baker gets the boot.

November 1, 2010

SERVED: Rumors have been circulating for weeks that the self-proclaimed voice of this generation used to send dick pics out on MySpace. Well now some photos leaked that supposedly prove Kanye was taking pictures of his junk and sending them out. The photos are down but I have to SERVE Kanye, and in fact any celebrity, taking and texting nudie pics. Are you people stupid?! Keep your privates private and stop sharing them with the random skanks of the world. You really think some stranger on MySpace who receives a naked picture of a celebrity is going to keep it secret? DUMB. SERVED.

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