Who Dey, Who Dey, Who Dey Think Gonna Make Me Go To The Store And Buy Gatorade

Houston cornerback Johnathan Joseph spent five years in Cincinnati before joining the Texans, and he’s willing to explain the differences between the organizations in detail. Here’s the short version: The Bengals are assholes about Gatorade.

“In Cincy, the team lives off money it earns from football. Houston’s owner has other business interests and he controls the money. Numerous things that go on such as the way Houston interacts with my family; we’re treated in a first-class way. They helped us when my wife lost our baby daughter in a miscarriage.

“But they help with anything you ask of them because they are a very caring organization with positive attitudes about its players. In Cincy, we’re told how much Gatorade we could take home. In Houston we get what we request. You get soap and deodorant at your request. You don’t have a roommate on road trips.” (via HeraldOnline.com)

I like how quickly it goes from “Houston helped us when my wife had a miscarriage” to “Cincinnati won’t let me take home all the Gatorade I want”. I also like that no matter how rich and famous you get, you’re still that guy working at the mall Chick-Fil-A who wants to take home the extra chicken sandwiches and gets pissed when your bitch manager won’t let you.

You’ve got $23.5 million of guaranteed money in Houston, right? Can’t you buy your own soap? I have a blogger’s salary and can keep my fridge stocked with Gatorade. It’s like $4.99 for an 8-pack. I know it’s a Moneyball vending machine situation where it’s less about having to pay a dollar for a Pepsi and more about being disrespected by an organization that barely cares about you, but c’mon, just hold out a Dixie cup the next time somebody gets a Gatorade bath.

This does not surprise this Bengal fan. The Bengals are holding a Pep Rally for the Season Ticket Holders to celebrate the first training camp that’s at home and not at a nearby college. They are getting a local band and fireworks…and it costs $10 per person.

That’s right. They are trying to bleed $10 out of people who are already paying them 2 grand a year.