This evening, it has emerged that the Prime Minister personally profited from an investment vehicle that his father, Ian, established to manage his cash in the Bahamas. Mr. Cameron has published a statement which we publish in full below. In doing so, we would like to make the caveat that what follows is entirely made up.

The Prime Minister of Iceland Sigmundur Gunnlaugsson has resigned after accusations of concealing millions of dollars worth of assets, and has been returned to the shop floor.

A spokesman for Iceland – a store known for its budget frozen foods and cheap and cheerful Christmas ads starring Jason Donovan – said “We haven’t had a crisis like this since Kerry Katona got caught with the magic fairy dust.

“Sigmundur hasn’t just let himself down; he’s let down all the mums who

Labour communications supremo Seumas Milne was reportedly “putting the finishing touches” to the party’s “week of action” on the abolition of the body that regulated wages for those in the agricultural sector, in the runup to Easter.

In a move likely to surprise commentators who might have expected the party to capitalise on the resignation of Iain Duncan Smith and open warfare in the Cabinet over Europe and cuts and disability benefits, Milne reportedly considers that there is “more long term traction” in a detailed dissection of the Government’s policies relating to the rural economy.

Mob bosses found the exhilarating game was a useful way to settle their differences without bloodshed

TMB’s regular feature devoted to improving the public’s historical knowledge, reminding our readers that the past clings to the weft and weave of the present like the stubborn chubnuts after a vindaloo…

It’s been revealed Samantha Cameron warned her husband earlier that “the ‘it’s beneath me to comment’ thing is really not going to fly at the dinner table tonight.”

Number 10 has worked hard today not to engage with allegations that the Prime Minister placed his member into the mouth of a decapitated pig’s head as a student, but Mrs Cameron told a friend that the allegations “would be coming up” and that there “would be repercussions” in the event of an unsatisfactory response.

The first PMQs between David Cameron and Jeremy Corbyn has substantially overrun, and according to sources “could last all week if not longer”, because of the huge sheaf of questions Corbyn is holding.

The session began well, with the two men making a pact that Prime Ministers Questions “should no longer be a screaming ‘Yo Mama’ match between middle-aged white men”. But interest in the chamber waned as the Labour leader began trawling through a list of 40,000 crowd-sourced questions.

Analysts confirmed this morning that the South East of England has not yet descended into apocalyptic destruction and horror, despite the fact that a few thousand poor bastards are still trying to get across from Calais.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough School of Reading Stuff, said “Even though the newspapers are saying that the Calais hopefuls have instigated the end times by climbing over a fence, we went and checked and Kent has completely failed to subside into the broiling maw of the sea, contra all expectations. In fact the