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2/13/2012

My New Rehab: Opening Soon!

I used to think that there were only three foolproof jobs in the world: weatherman, umbrella salesman and pantyhose manufacturer. A "meteorologist" can be wrong much of the time and not get fired. The other two sell products whose planned obsolescence is so quick it almost precedes purchase. No one expects an apology or reimbursement or innovation. Repeat customers happily come back for more. Failure is its own reward. What could be better?

One word: rehab. Exhaustion, racism, anti-Semitism? Rehab! Relapse, overdose, suicide? What doesn't get blamed? Rehab! Dr. Drew Pinsky fails more than 75 percent of the time and he's got three shows. Catch him on CNN giving expert commentary on the death of Whitney Houston. I'm not kidding. If there's is a downside to the rehab business, I can't see it. Some say AA is a cult--if so, it's a lousy one, since it doesn't turn a profit. That's why I'm opening the Magick Sandwich Full Service Rehab and Grill, accepting applications now.

I'm sure some of the more pampered crackheads will be expecting entertainment and plush accommodations. High thread count sheets and bottled water will be provided. In the spirit of tough love, however, no equine therapy will be available, despite its popularity at many resort-habs. Hazelden, a pioneer in the "life is better when you're not drunk and/or stoned" industry, recommends it for clients who tend to over-intellectualize.

Many patients have avoided feeling emotions for so long that they don't know how to anymore. Through working with horses, feelings of fear, anger, resentment, sadness, loneliness, joy and peace are brought to surface.

How about anger and resentment that they're stars and they've paid good money to muck a stable...in Minnesota? And while these four-legged psychiatrists are great listeners, phone sessions with them tend to be one-sided. What is a celebrity who can't cart around his trusty steed in case of the odd jones to do?

At my new rehab, I've considered the practicalities. That's why I'm proud to introduce Goldfish-Assisted Therapy.™ "Horses are typically non-judgmental," according to one rehab, and "have no preconceived expectations or motives." Typically? I can say with certainty that every goldfish is non-judgmental, unbiased in every way. Plus they're portable. They can come along for moral support to parties where hooves are prohibited. They can be transported in the rectum or swallowed in case of cavity search, although this may result in premature fish death. Luckily, they're easy to replace. No one expects them to last.

You know, goldfish can be very violent. In point of fact, they've vicious, cold-blooded creatures who'd as soon eat their young as look at them. I wouldn't want to sound too "judgmental" or anything ... but I don't think you'll find the noble horse doing that.

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