Deputy Secretary of Defense Scott Turlock spoke from the Pentagon this week to announce news that portends even more paradigm challenges for the United States military forces.

“Well we don’t know how he got there either. Our plate’s pretty full right now just trying to make the new gay policy happen. We’ve asked Congress for money to buy bigger plates, but that’s stuck in conference right now, so we messed up. I know it’s an honored tradition in the military since World War Two, there are no ‘atheists in foxholes’ but turns out there is one.”

The briefing was briefly interrupted as FOX News’ Gretchen Carlson (1990 Stanford graduate cum laude) vigorously questioned whether the alleged ‘World War’ ever took place, and said she’d try to remember to Google it later, because the whole thing sounded kind of fishy.

“Well Gretchen, we’ll get people working right away on providing proof that World War Two actually happened, but about this ‘atheists in foxholes’ controversy? Our research has found Craig Gunderson. He’s in a forward firebase in Afghanistan, and he says he’s an Atheist.”

According to Turlock, Craig ‘Gunner’ Gunderson managed to evade normal military protocols about not sending atheists to foxholes via an unavoidable recruiting accident.

He explained to the Pentagon researcher who interviewed him during a battle with the Taliban in Kandahar Valley, that he listed religious affiliation as ‘Baptist’ because he attended that church with his parents during his upbringing. The recruiter just didn’t happen to ask Craig his personal opinions about Noah’s Ark or Jonah & the Whale.

We normally do that. But clearly, mistakes were made in one rare instance. This regrettable incident should in no way be construed as impugning the character of Corporal Gunderson. We’re taking every step to have him transferred back to state-side duty as soon as possible, to preserve our military’s time-honored tradition of having no atheists in foxholes.”

In an unrelated story, thirty-two percent of active duty military personnel this week confessed long-standing doubts about whether David killed Goliath with a slingshot.