A man who admitted to magistrates that he exposed
himself in two Purley Laundromats three months ago, defended himself today
by claiming that his jealous ex-girlfriend assaulted him without warning

He went on to state that he got no sexual thrill
whatsoever from waving what one eyewitness described as 'ten inches
of hugely empurpled man-meat' in the faces of female customers, but
was simply trying to keep his genitalia away from his girlfriend who
had threatened to emasculate him with a pair of nail clippers in revenge
for him jilting her the previous week.

'Cock' Robin Thomas, a twenty-two-year-old unemployed builders' mate
from East Purley, was charged with two counts—or possibly several
shakes—of indecent exposure and one count of 'being in possession
of a biological weapon'—a new offence recently introduced by the
Home Secretary to stiffen up Britain's limp-wristed anti-terrorism laws.
The offences took place at the unfortunately named 'Willy Wash' on the
High Street and 'Lucky Ladies Launderette' in Fish Alley.

When asked to explain why his member was erect on both occasions, Mr
Thomas sheepishly replied that he'd had 'a bit of trouble down there'
ever since he'd started taking a course of anti-depressants prescribed
by his doctor. His claim that his ex-girlfriend, Sharon Gussett (32A-26-34),
had forcibly removed his trousers in order to injure him, was dismissed
when security camera footage was produced that showed him engaging in
repeated acts of gross indecency with the seventeen-year-old hairdresser
behind the tumble dryers at both premises shortly before the incidents
occurred. Ms Gussett then broke down and tearfully told the court that
she was three months pregnant with Thomas' child.

Although he was naked for less than a minute Thomas was quickly identified
in a Police line up by no less than twenty-seven women who all insisted
that his unusually well-developed physique 'made him stand out a mile.'
His guilt was further established when it was discovered that the drug
he had been prescribed was in fact Viagra, and that he had begged several
female customers to hold his penis to 'shake the stiffness out of it.'

Following an emotional and impassioned plea for clemency by the manageress
of the 'Willy Wash', who begged the court not to incarcerate the 'only
man who's ever been able to totally satisfy me as a woman', the magistrates
reduced the sentence from eighteen month's imprisonment to a community
service order. This was further reduced to six month's community service
after Thomas asked for sixty-nine similar offences to be taken into
consideration.

In a final irony, the court ordered that the man who had let his wet
willy hang out of his jeans is to serve out his sentence helping single
mothers hang out their wet jeans in the 'Willy Wash', under the eagle
eye of the proprietress—Mrs Gloria Ponsonby. The news was greeted
by audible sighs of relief by the sixty-nine single young mothers who
had packed the courtroom, and a torrent of obscenities by Thomas' ex-girlfriend,
who had to be physically restrained when she threatened to 'Bobbit the
cheating bastard.'
Thomas left the court clasped to the ample bosom of his new employer,
who vowed to make an 'upstanding citizen' out of him.