Immigration Policy On The Fly

by L.J. Holman / July 6th, 2010

The following is an excerpt from minutes taken during a secret meeting of top management of the little-known Office of Undesirable Tenants (OUT), Department of the Interior. Names have been replaced by alphabetic indicators, to preserve anonymity of sources.

A: OK, the president wants a detailed plan to take to the congress on immigration…you all heard the speech, you know the outline of the Dream Act, and that damn Arizona thing is beating us to death, so let’s do some brainstorming. While Congress dithers—and we all know they WILL dither—we need something for the president to DO, to show he’s serious. So, the fence idea is on the table…again.

B: Fence? Yeah, we have a high tech fence…a part of one, anyway, and it’s a mess. It’s over budget and mostly what we’ve gotten is a lot of splattered insects, 200 or so fried lizards, and five border agents with laser burns. And the border is so damn long, it would take billions to finish it—money we could spend on more pressing problems, like saving the polar bears. I don’t see…

A: Well, everything we do is over budget—that’s capitalism…and we could put up “no trespassing” signs until the thing gets built…but, Ok, the fence is for down the road, after we work out the bugs…how about trucks?

B: Trucks are good. American trucks with Americans driving. We have lots of trucks in this mighty nation. We eliminate all that NAFTA traffic and we STILL have plenty…

D: But the president acknowledged that it’s logistically impossible to round them all up, so he wants a “path to citizenship.” I don’t know what that means. Anyone?

B: They get right with the law—that’s what he said. And learn English and pay a fine and…uh, go to the back of the line.

A: But how can any of that happen without FINDING them? I mean, if you were here illegally and you knew all that—especially the “back of the line” part, would YOU walk out of your house and flag down a cop and say, “here I am, I want to go to the back of the line!”

D: So…it looks like trucks. I mean, if CNN ever frees up a reporter from the Gulf and sees the government really DOING something about immigration…well, it’ll be great PR. Ok. So, how many trucks will it take?

B: Well (hesitates, consults notes), if there are 12 million criminals…uh, undocumented workers, then….

C: (an aide) That depends on how many will fit inside one truck. We figure that out and then we divide…

A: (Interrupting) Yes, yes, we know all that. So if it takes ten of ‘em to fill a truck, that’s…

B: Military trucks or ice cream trucks or moving vans or what?

B: Well, it’s gotta be military trucks, doesn’t it? I mean, if we use private companies, then we’re open to the charge of government intrusion into the private sector, and we’re already taking a beating on that. See how gentle we are with BP? We haven’t sent in the Marines because…

A: They’re all in Afghanistan, or going there or coming back so they can go again…

B; (gives A a dirty look) …Because we don’t want to look like Big Bad Government beating up on Private Enterprise. Fox would just eat that up. So, OK, ten to a truck…

B: Ten? They cram 15 into a VW Beetle! I say make it 20 to a truck. They like close quarters anyway. They won’t be cramped. And besides, it’s not gonna be a camping trip. It’s a criminal roundup!

A: Ok, 20. That makes it about a 600,00 trucks, give or take…

C: Of course we could use cargo planes. Lots of empty space inside; fits maybe 100 of ‘em, so we’ll only need…

B: (irritated) Cargo planes? And land where? In mall parking lots? Besides, the damn planes are all beat up from the War Against Terror.

A: Again I ask: how are we gonna round ‘em all up? I mean, they’re not wearing badges or anything. I mean, they ARE hiding…

B: Easy. We just get the ones that are illegal, and we’ll know that because they’re all brown, with black hair and speak Spanish.

A: OK, that’s easy enough, but there’s another problem: where are they all? I mean, we can’t just break down doors and say, “OK, all illegals, outside!”

B: Wal-Mart parking lots, mostly…sometimes Home Depot.

C: So we get the military—the National Guard; it’ll take all of them—to drive more than a half a million trucks into the states and pick up…

A: What if we need the Guard? I mean, for a disaster or something…earthquake, hurricane, maybe another huge oil spill somewhere?

B: Yeah, sure, and maybe terrorists will blow up the Malibu pier!

C: OK, then…National Guard trucks. We’ll need to get this written and polished up right away, so the president can do an Oval Office talk and put in his rhetorical flourishes and all.

A: Let’s work while we eat. The sooner we get this done, the safer our jobs will be. Is everyone agreed? (Everyone nods and A pushes a button on the intercom) OK, Lupita. Lonche, por favor!