Pee-Wee Herman Isn’t Helping

In the latest issue of Playboy,Paul Reubens – known 99.9% of the time as Pee-Wee Herman – finally speaks out about his 1991 arrest for allegedly masturbating in an adult theater. Turns out he sincerely believes his lawyers had a foolproof defense that would prove his innocence provided the judge never had a penis and a spirit of adventure. Via FOX 411:

“Had we gone to trial, we had ready an expert from the Masters and Johnson Institute who was going to testify that in 30 years of research on masturbation the institute had never found one person who masturbated with his or her non-dominant hand,” Reubens divulges in the latest issue of Playboy (which hits newsstands Friday). “I’m right-handed, and the police report said I was jerking off with my left hand. That would have been the end of the case right there, proof it couldn’t have been me.”

Adding insult to wrist injury, Pee-Wee was depressed to find his close friends relentlessly mocking him on TV because Hollywood is usually such a selfless community of people not looking out entirely for their own careers:

“I turned on the TV and saw people I mistakenly and naively thought were my friends making jokes about me. That was really painful. I knew Arsenio Hall, and his guests were Patti LaBelle and Luther Vandross, who were also my friends,” Reubens told the men’s magazine. “I was just sitting there going, ‘Oh, they’re making jokes about me.’ I turned the channel to Jay Leno, who was also saying some snarky things. I get that it’s their job, but I had already said the allegations weren’t true and felt I deserved the benefit of the doubt from them. Make a joke about me but also just say, ‘By the way, he’s been a friend of our show for many years.’ I was shocked people would kick me when I was down.”

While I genuinely feel sorry for Pee-Wee that his friends decided to take cheap shots at him, when I’m eventually caught for public masturbation I hope at least five of mine write a book about it and one of them titles it “Dick Pounder: Man of Destiny.” That said, was his entire legal strategy seriously a study that claims no one in the past 30 years has ever jerked off with their non-dominant hand? Because I broke my right hand once when I was 16 and can pretty much guarantee I would’ve been a surprise witness to Mr. Herman. “Your honor, the prosecution would like to call to the stand a remarkable young man who claims to have shattered the very foundations of science as we know it. I almost didn’t believe him myself until a team from NASA showed me classified studies they’ve attempted at request of the Pentagon. We’re truly stepping through the looking glass here.”