Westminster to keep Scotland as a “f**k-buddy”

In the event of a “yes” vote for Scottish Independence, politicians south of the border would like to retain specific conjugal rites without any of those awkward commitment issues.

In particular Westminster would appreciate it if Scotland “would not change any of the locks” and agree to house the UK’s arsenal of nuclear submarines. Former armed forces minister, Sir Nick Harvey, proposes a "Cyprus-type arrangement", which could involve penetrative sex but no eye contact or kissing. Meanwhile the SNP have accused Westminster of trying to bully Scotland and “still trying to screw all its ex-colonies”.

“Breaks-ups don’t have to be messy,” said a Ministry of Defense spokesman. “We propose to turn the Faslane Trident base into no-strings-attached weapons dump. We’d also expect Scotland to continue to make us our favorite shortbread whenever we pop over, keep wearing those pretty tartan skirts and allow us a bit of ‘slap & tickle’ with Andy Murray whenever the mood takes us. While would respect the choice of Scottish independence, if they so much as look at another country we will take a Stanley knife to their face.”