Month: November 2015

I love travelling but I hate planes. I get so restless and antsy and bored and I would sleep if I could but you already know how uncomfortable it is to sleep in them economy seats. Aisle seats are awesome for washroom trips but terrible for sleeping.

Sidenote: I never actually have to use the washroom. I just make a few “washroom trips” so i can make eye contact with all da cute boys on my way to the washroom. At least that’s what I hope for but there are NEVER cute boys on planes. Just this:

#justcutemen

I tried to look up a picture to demonstrate just how uncomfortable it is but I couldn’t find what i was looking for. I wanted to find an image that captured that awful pain of having your head perpendicular to your neck but none existed.

Sidenote: I don’t know why but the first thing i searched when looking for a plane sleeping pic was “kanye sleeping” and holy f da results. So many sleepy kanyes.

Instead here is a drawing to illustrate the plane aisle sleep pains:

This picture is super accurate except for one thing: it is slightly censored. This is much more accurate:

Sidenote: Chill my hand is only there because it’s a warm spot and planes be cold af.

You would think that spending your flight fighting the development of osteoarthritis would be enough, but unfortunately some of the passengers on the plane sitting next to you know how to make it that much worse. The following are the 7 worst types of people you can find on a plane:

1. The recliner: This person is technically the worst person to sit behind. This is the person who doesn’t ask you if they can recline their seat and just does it abruptly while you’re doing one of these:

Once I was on a flight sitting next to a cute asian girl wearing a huge canada goose jacket. Everything was cool; she was quietly sitting in her hot jacket with her elbows on the food tray and her head in her hands and I was listening to some baby-making music on my ipod and every now and then I would look over at her and give her a sweet smile. All of a sudden, the man in front of her decided to recline his seat all the way back without asking her or giving her a heads up and because she was sitting far up in her seat and her jacket was so big she started getting crushed by the seat in front. The goose fur and the seat got all up in her lungs and all she could manage to say was “so….crose” and I was just watching with this confused look on my face because I thought she said gross but she said close.

I can’t remember how she was rescued but it wasn’t me because I was too busy staring in disbelief but also listening to d’angelo and feelin some type of way. I think The recliner somehow sensed he was crushing a small girl and released his chair and babygirl was left trying to catch her breath. I gave her one those “hmm…sucks that that just happened eh” looks and turned back to my seat. There was not much to say because if you are behind a recliner your only options are to sit there with a stupid look on your face and be uncomfortable meanwhile The recliner is in ergonomic paradise, or recline your own chair against your will and even though you felt like reading a book nope you’re now takin a nap babygirl.

2. The traveler: This is for when you get stuck in the aisle and there are 5 people sitting next to you who all depend on you to get up out of your seat to satisfy their tiny bladder needs. The courteous thing to do, if you are a middle or window seater, is to stay the fck seated unless you really need to get up. If you seriously gotta use the washroom or if the person sitting next to you is suspicious looking and you can hear a ticking sound coming from them and you need to inform someone; fine. Ask to be let out. Other then that…

3. The storyteller: This person makes it impossible to sleep or watch a movie or read a book because they have so much to share with you. It’s nice at first because they will usually break the ice as soon as you sit down asking about where you’re off to and if you’ve been there before. Just don’t get too chummy! The storyteller is always looking to share their life experiences with someone and does not care about what you want to do. Once on a flight I had finally mustered up the courage to tell the sweet older lady next to me that I was going to finally stop listening to her hitchhiking experiences as a teenager and nap(which were awesome but not for 12 hours). I was sleeping for about 15 minutes and I felt a poke and she said “Dinner is going to be served soon”. I looked around and there was no food cart in sight. UM define SOON LADY what is soon to you?? Soon to me is give me a 1 minute heads up before they get to our seat so I can have a few moments to decide on chicken or beef. She caught me in my confusion and said “I remember the time when my husband and I first met” and then we discussed relationships and marriage and love for the next 11 hours and I never got to nap or watch the new Wallace and Gromit movie.

4. The cinephile: The cinephile is a pleasant person when their headphones are out but once they are in..they get completely lost in the world of cinema and they are totally unaware of their surroundings. They are extremely obnoxious and don’t realize that just because they can’t hear us we can’t hear them. I hear you muhfcka. I once sat next to a sweet old lady, which seems to be a trend with me, although I always imagine coincidentally being seated next to a hunky man who I give my dinner rolls to but that’s never happened. She had a great sense of humour which obviously meant she loved watching comedies. Babygirl pressed play on this one Adam Sandler movie and all hell broke loose. She was laughing way too loud and at every damn scene while I was innocently sitting there trying to read a book on Islam. Her constant laughter which basically was triggered by nothing because Adam Sandler is not even that funny lasted a whole two hours. She laughed so loudly and would also make eye contact with me as if I were supposed to laugh with her but babygirl I is reading a book we are not sharing this experience. I wasn’t that upset about not being able to read because I found it pretty hilarious and also it gave me a reason not to read because let’s be honest I’m basically illiterate but the man next to her was hardly impressed and looked like this the entire flight:

Also babygirl watched not one movie, not two, but three muhfcking movies and they were all comedies. Babygirl choose a different genre like the girl behind us who has silent tears running down her face because i think she’s watching the fault in our stars. Because now you are just being selfish because everyone on the plane is trying to sleep while you are enjoying these movies as if these were your last hours on earth.

5. The sleeper: This is the worst person depending on how comfortable you are with strangers sleepin on you (not with you. This is very different). I don’t mind if someone is a lil sleepy and without realizing rests their head on my shoulder for a lil bit. We’ve all done it and we wake up all embarrassed and excuse ourselves. The sleeper though, gets too carried away and doesn’t just let their head fall on u for a few minutes. The sleeper basically spoons you and makes you their plane pillow and makes it impossible for you to get up to use the washroom or read your book. They also make it super awkward for you during any mealtime because you never know if The sleeper wants to be woken to eat or not because they’re always gotdamn sleeping when the flight attendant comes by.6. The drifter: This person does not belong anywhere!! They don’t have a ticket and if they do wallahi that seat doesn’t exist. When you finally find your seat on the plane, The drifter is always in your seat before you and you have to explain to them that they are actually sitting in your seat. You have to have this certain tone when you deal with The drifter that says you don’t care about assigned seating and you would sit anywhere if you could but that’s just how it is and it would just f up the system for someone else if you were to sit in their seat and so on. Before moving The drifter looks at your ticket, at their neighbour’s ticket, at the seat number and all around and always asks the same damn thing: “Well then what seat is mine?”. UM how am I supposed to know I am not TripCentral nor do i work for the airline just gtfo of my seat that is not my problem you know you probably have a middle seat waiting for you somewhere between 2 babies don’t play that game with me drifter. When you finally get to sit in your seat, you will always hear the same conversation replay somewhere behind you where the drifter is trying to take someone else’s seat.

7. The baby hater: Crazy crying babies, although most definitely are the worst, do not make the list. I can’t hate on babies on flights because chances are if a crying baby is bothering me, the parents of that baby feel it 10x more. It’s that muhfckin eye roller who can’t even try and tolerate a screaming baby that I hate. Babies are asses that’s what they do; don’t make their parents feel bad for deciding to bring baby Rajdeep along so that their relatives in India can finally see his crying ass for the first time. Chill the f out, put some earplugs in, and block the noise out. Or do what I do and embrace the situation by trying to make it worse by making faces like this at baby Rajdeep while his parents aren’t looking:

Boys are great and also great to hang out with. Albeit I don’t do it often; not because I’m pious and conservative or whatever. It’s because it takes so GOTDAM long to prepare.

Sidenote: Let’s be real: it’s not like there is a plethora of boys tryna hang out with me. 99% of my hangouts involve my girls, a depressing amount of food, and us sadly and regretfully eating it. Well actually, the sadness comes after. While it’s happening we all look like this:

But men do not understand the hardships we face before meeting up with them. DO NOT complain if we are 20 minutes late. UM do you know what I had to do to get here. Do u know what I had to endure in order to be sitting here in front of you, looking cute as shit?? Please read the following and be enlightened:

Sidenote: That happy kid eating is making me sew happy right now. I’m dancing and moving side to side along with him.

1. Da outfit: Even if 95% of the time I end up wearing the same jeans and shirt that I always do because it’s the only outfit I own, the mental stress we go through deciding what we will wear is unreal. If I know I am going to meet up with a dude at the end of the week, I will spend all my free minutes thinking of outfit combinations. For example, all my free shower thoughts will be spent on remembering all of my closet’s contents and calculating fcking permutations to figure out the most possible combinations of outfits. If I really dig the guy I’m about to see, u best believe im asking all da girls for ideas on what to wear because they know what you own. Also be checking good ol’ pinterest for “cute fall outfits” LOL.

2. Scheming: Holy f the scheming. The web of lies that must be told in order to meet up for just a 2 hour coffee. You need to make sure all your girls are on board with your plans for the night if they are your alibis so that you won’t later shit your pants when you get the text of death from one of them. “Your mom is calling me”. And if you are like me and super bad at lying, for some reason you cannot just tell a simple lie like “hey going to coffee with (insert a girl’s name here)”. No. Your lie has a freakin background story and a plot and a narrative and effing protagonists and antagonists and a climax and conflict and the solution is you friggen going to coffee for two hours with (insert a girl’s name here).

Ex:

me: mom just gonna go grab coffee with Fatima* (*Fatima is not a real person in my life but is a real person in someone else’s life, thus she is a real person).

mom: ok

Now this is where it ends. SIKE because I am lying out of my ass my nerves make me keep talking and saying shit that needn’t be said GOTDAMN.

me: she’s a friend from school you’ve never met her before but we study together all the time.

mom: ok

me: ya she’s just been feeling kind of down lately and I’m going to cheer her up.

mom: ok

(Thought it ended? nooope.)

me: ya i don’t know. she did really poorly on her exam and she thinks she might get kicked out of her program.

mom: ok

me: ya she usually does pretty well but i don’t know what happened. It’s probably because her grandma recently passed and she was unable to study because she was so upset.

mom: ok

me: ya she was really close to her. she practically raised her while she was growing up. she told me she thought she was her real mom at one point because of how close they were.

and then eventually you just get to a point where you make eye contact with your mom and you know she knows you know she know’s you’re full of shit but you’ve come this far and you can’t give up now and you just gotta quickly get the FCK outta there before she starts asking questions like where does Fatima live and why hasn’t she ever heard of her til now and why doesn’t she just come over for coffee instead of us going somewhere and spending money.

3. Showing face: For some reason “showing face” is a thing. It’s where you don’t just leave as soon as you’re ready like everyone on the planet does. Instead, when you’re ready, you have to spend weird quality time with your parents. They will most likely be watching the news in the family room, and you just have to literally sit there for 5-10 minutes making small talk and making comments about what they’re watching. You basically have to put your parents’ suspicions at ease and let them know this is not a hotel and you are not just using them for food and sleep.

4. The too cute for coffee outfit: If I’m just meeting up for coffee with Fatima, why on earth did I spend 3 hours getting ready and why do I smell so damn good and why’s my face on fleek and why am I wearing those heels. (Sike I never wear heels but I be smellin’ good.) Or, even worst, I look so cute but in order not to be bait I throw over a decoy outfit on top and because I’m in a rush the easiest thing to put on/take off in the car is a pair of sweatpants over my sexy pants. So now it looks like I spent hours getting ready to wear sweats. And now your parents looking at you like why’s she wearing sweatpants with heels and smellin good as shit.

5. Getting picked up: I generally prefer meeting up somewhere because the anxiety surrounding being picked up by a boy in front of my house is too muhfckin real. Sometimes they will insist or my car has been stolen by a member of my family and I have no choice. Timing is everything and you cannot leave your house until all factors have been taken care of. I can’t just leave as soon as I get the “I’m outside” text. My parents are always chillin somewhere in my house and it’s obviously always somewhere that’s in plain view of “Fatima’s” car. And don’t question why I asked you to park in front of the mailbox when I live 20 houses up the street from there. One of my girls told me that before she got married to her husband, in order to minimize the stress of being dropped off, he wouldn’t fully stop the car and she would pull one of these every time they got to her house:

So yeah, if we’re a lil late to meet up with you it’s not because we’re inconsiderate princesses that can’t keep track of time. Please appreciate the efforts outlined above that we put in to see you. ( I don’t know who my target audience is anymore. Who is my target audience doe????????)