Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

Important Question

My husband and I separated last summer for two months. He left me, told me to date whomever I wanted and he would do the same. He got a divorce lawyer and was bragging about divorcing me. I went out with a friend of 27 years. We had one brief encounter and have had a few phone conversations since that were nothing of a sexual nature. We had no intentions of a relationship with one another. My husband moved back in and now five months later he found out about our one time encounter. He also found out about a handful of short phone conversations that were soley support from a friend knowing our relationship was still strained. My husband now wants a divorce because he says he can't trust me. He says I cheated on him because we were still married, just separated. I do not feel like I cheated on him.

Sounds like your hubby set the ground rules and then we you took him up on it, he can't take it. The separation was with the understanding that both of you would date. I think he did that so HE could date and never believed that YOU would. Now he's not man enough to stand by the game he wanted to play. You didn't cheat. Did HE ever own up to having outside activities while you were separated? When someone tells me that we should date other people, that tells me that anything we do should not be considered cheating. Cheating is done OUTSIDE the boundaries of the relationship. I'm crying 'foul' on your husband. If he wants a divorce, it sounds like he's just looking for an out.

I understand what you are saying and understand that you do not feel like you cheated on him, however, you said your husband, &quot;found out&quot; about your one encounter. Did you tell him or did he find out through someone else? I understand you thought you were getting divorced, and needed some emotional support. There are no excuses for cheating and please understand I'm not saying you did cheat on him. I'm not one to judge by any means since I did cheat on my H once and regret ever doing it. The difference is at the time I didn't know where our relationship was, we had our issues but that was still no excuse for me doing what I did. I didn't tell him, he found out. I have been open with him about everything.

Your H feels betrayed now when you felt betrayed and lost then. He's mourning what happened, people say things out of anger and pain that they don't really mean. He may say he wants a divorce, but he also may not know what to do with the emotions he's having right now. You two got back together for a reason, sit down with him and evaluate those reasons, focus on them and explain what you want. Focus on him....that's what he really wants. Hug him and hold him, tell him you love him often. It may not seem like you're getting far, but in the end it will help. Then you know you've done everything in your power to try to save your marriage. He will reciprocate in the end. Be patient.

The one last thing I suggest to you is to break all communication with your friend. Your H has to learn to trust you again and the only way of doing that is to break all ties with the brief affair. Become transparent for him, meaning let him into your everyday life, emails, phone calls, passwords.

Thank you all for your support. I have felt guilty only because of the pain he has felt, but at the same time, I truly did not feel I cheated! We have gone through hell and I have been at rock bottom many times while we were married and living together and NEVER thought about cheating. I felt betrayed by his leaving me, and the reason he left. I was being put through hell at the time by him, his kids and his family.

He actually found out about it right after it happened, someone told him. So he has been tracking my cell phone calls and saw, again, a FEW phone calls every two or three weeks. I explained again, it was a friend of 27 years who does not even live in this country checking up on me to see how I am holding up with our relationship that remained strained even after he moved back in. I did not tell him as I did not feel I needed to. What he did at that time was his business and I did not want to know, and what I did was my business.

Hmm....am I to understand that it was HIS idea to leave you? and it was HIS idea to separate for a couple of months? and HIS idea that you BOTH should date other people? And now YOU are catching the flak? I admit I might be letting my imagination run wild a little...but did it occur to you that HE might have had an 'intrest' out there in the summer month or two that HE wanted to 'check' out? If he went 'fishing' I'd be concerned if he 'caught' anything and I wonder if she's still possibly on the hook? Either way...even if you DID indulge yourself as HE suggested that you do...what in the heck is WRONG with HIM that he's conveniently developed this sudden amnesia over the agreed upon contract between the two of you that HE wrote himself...? I don't get it? Of course, this is ALL beside the issue that you are MARRIED to each OTHER. Did HE think this would HELP the marriage? Forgive my demeanor...I just have never met many people who would try quite this approach to begin with but I would hope that you guys can do the kind of work on your marriage that will benefit EACH of you AND the marriage itself...But you certainly need to hold your head high as far as him treating you this way...and friend...don't take anymore such suggestions along these lines because what you may realize is that it ultimately causes self-image/esteem issues...you deserve to be a whole woman...God bless your heart...

I agree fully with needhelp; your husband is the one who told you he was going to date and you should do the same. He gave you permission, not that you needed it, and when you were vulnerable and leaned on another person, he went ballistic. It sounds to me like he was just testing you and he can't deal with what happened. I don't think you did any;thing wrong since he TOLD you to do it.

I'm sorry you're going through this. What are you planning to do? (((HUGS)))

I wish MY cheater had been honest enough to tell me that HE wanted to date instead of lying and sneaking behind my back. He didn't because he didn't want ME to date and have sex with someone else and didn't want to lose ME. Now he's busted and trying to win back what I had given to him freely. I would have been hurt for him to tell me this, but at least I would have known his intentions instead of haven been betrayed.

I had a boyfriend in high school who made it clear from the get-go of our &quot;relationship&quot; (it wasn't anything serious, so I hesitiate to even call it that), that it was open. We could date others as well. The two of us had a don't ask, don't tell policy and it worked great for actually a while. Until some friend of his told him that I had been seeing other people and he got jealous and flipped out. It's confusing when others set ground rules for a relationship and then switch them up suddenly. If he wasn't comfortable with you dating others while the two of you were seperated, he shouldn't have said it was alright.

I'm curious as to if your husband had any other dates/encounters/friends who were women while the two of you were seperated. If so, he is being a giant hypocrite.

Even if not, he still made it clear that the two of you could date around and that was okay while the two of you were seperated. I guess some guys think the idea of their wife/girfriend dating around is alright, but when it actually happens, they become too jealous and too bothered by the idea.

I dont see anything that you need to feel guilty about.. I am willing to bet if you did some snooping, you would find at least one encounter he had himself. Sounds like he is jealous, and he prob didnt think you would go through with dating, or even trying to date, anyone during the seperation.

I am also willing to bet that he already had a fish on the line when he suggested that you both see other people while trying to figure out what to do about your marriage. Don't let him make you feel like you did anything wrong for going with what HE suggested... he is the one in the wrong here, not you.

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