I Don’t Want to be Your Mom Friend

My personal experience with motherhood is that the beginning of it can be incredibly isolating. I was a few months post partum and I had finally crawled just far enough out of the black hole that is infancy to realize that I was alone (but not actually ever alone, because of the baby human). I think it’s natural to temporarily disengage a bit from your pre-baby friends and it was hard coming to terms with the fact that I wanted to talk about things outside of parenthood, but didn’t necessarily know how. I was easing back into life and I thought one of the solutions would be finding a “mom tribe.” The word tribe is 3 years past its expiration date, but whatever you want to call it… I was out there looking for friends who also had dependents.

Which is harder than finding the baby-less friends of the past and not unlike modern dating in a way. I tried the Internet, I tried mom running groups (decided not running was much more important to me than having friends), I tried the library. I even exchanged numbers with a few moms – no callbacks. We just didn’t vibe.

Once you’re a mother, people assume that you will automatically be friends with anyone else that is a mother. They will tell you that they know someone else who also had a child and you guys should obviously be friends. And on some level, this is true. There is a certain understanding between people who have had to push a baby through their private parts. Or had one cut out of their stomach. Or are tending to the needs of another human. We come to be mothers in all sorts of ways (these days, sometimes moms are actually dads), but we all are a part of the same club.

But after we cover the regular bases, which include our significant others’ occupations, whether or not we work out of the home, and teething remedies, I’ll need to have more in common with you than wiping snot. If we are going to go the distance and be more than mom friends, we need to connect on a fundamental level. There is more to being a mom friend than just being a mom.

I want to make this abundantly clear so you know what you’re getting into, certainly not trying to cat fish you: I am not an Instagram mom. Don’t ask me about filters, you’re not going to see pictures of fresh flowers on my feed and I do not pose in front of brick walls (that much). Who I am as a person carried over into motherhood, my strengths and weaknesses are much the same. Here are a few highlights from my (mom)match.com profile:

The snacks I pull out of my coat pocket are not organic, on any given day they aren’t wrapped. Actually, if our kids are hanging out… it’s likely you’ll be providing the snacks. My neighbor can attest to this. I found 3 goldfish on the bottom of my purse and one half eaten animal cracker and I don’t mean to brag (I do) but my kid is full and perfect, so you do you, but so far so good on my end. McDonalds has a presence in my child’s life and her exposure isn’t via food documentaries. (Do you know how hard it is to eat fast food after you watch those?)

My daughter’s third word was, “Tiger.” As in Daniel Tiger. Hella screen time in this bitch. I hope you have Disney Channel queued up.

My child is 20 months old, this is no longer “baby weight” – this is just my body. I like to work out, I like to eat well, but I also like Bourbon and designer cupcakes. Take me as I am.

Which is a good segue into my biggest pet peeve, if you’re talking about “how amazing the human body is” and sharing post-partum pics of you in a size 2. I’d really just prefer if you would cut the shit and say, “you guys, I’m skinny again!” Because that’s what you want us to know, and I’m not blaming you. I am however skeptical of your newfound enchantment with the human body. These types of photos are what women who post selfies with meaningful quotes transition into after they have children. ~*~*beautifully broken*~*~ I need you to screen shot those to me and then make an unwavering pact to work out “at least 3 days a week” (never).

I’m not that concerned with things being clean. I eat things that fall on the floor and so does my child. Do you have things on the ground we can come over and snack on?

You might think I’m a dirt bag, but there is one perfect parenting pillar I hang my hat on, and that is: the schedule. If you suggest an activity during my kid’s naptime, you’re dead to me. And no, she can’t stay up a “little later.” We follow one rule in this house, and it was hard won.

That’s who I am as a mother; it’s part of who I am as a person. I won’t judge you if it’s a little different from me (even if you invite me to the zoo during naptime or take those post partum pics), so maybe we could hang out. I’m just trying to do the best I can. I think I’m doing ok. She knows she’s loved. I whisper it very creepily in her ear several times a day. So if you are barely getting by, overwhelmed by life and the love you have for your children that you’re unsure how not to screw up, come sit with me.

I want to talk to you about being more than a parent. I want to talk about politics. I want to complain about my husband. Most importantly, I want to tag you in memes. And I want to be your friend, but not your mom friend, your real friend.

Well these toons are so cool these days. I’ve seen many episodes just by myself. Have you seen Dora and Friends?! The one where shes grown up and no longer yelling at you in spanish? They’re adorable. Lol

Wow. So relatable.
One of our favorite mommy/daughter activities is eating things off the floor. And also, her newest word is “bear” as in little bear, because hella screen time is also on the agenda in our house daily. Did I mention that my kid is on an eating strike constantly, unless suckers, fruit snacks, or frosted animal crackers are on the menu? Creepily saying I love you to her? That’s been happening since the moment she was extracted from my womb.

Sarah Ruff I used to think I had a real great eater, now if it’s not covered in cheese she won’t touch it. I have dreams of a Bridgman summer home, so I’m hopeful for some in person friendship at some point. Even if it’s in 15 years ha.

I want to be mom friends with you. Finding someone who understands scheduling lol Priceless. And my parenting sounds like yours. PS my son is 8,healthy normal but eating off the floor…. Nope two dogs will beat you to it

Love it all, cept the nap schedule part.. We’ve never based our life and activities around my kid’s nap time. She sleeps in the car, the stroller, in my arms walking through the mall, she throws fits in public if she’s tired, somehow she still manages to get an avg of 10 hours sleep a night.
But yes, my toddler eats stuff off the floor, watches way too much tv & iPad (how the hell else can I cook dinner in peace?), and also, I’m obsessed with her ..to the point of craziness.

You are so lucky she will sleep anywhere! The schedule definitely can be a hassle, we visited family over the weekend in Chicago and weren’t able to do much because we had to work around it. Pros and cons for sure. I wish she had the temperament to be more laid back about where she sleeps. I’m so happy you’ve got something going that works for you 🙂 Thanks for reading Becca!

Oh my goodness!!! I LOVE YOUR POSTS!!!
Try this one on for size – you have 4 kids who are 25 years old, 22 years old, 16 years old and 8 years old!!! (Oh & you have a grandchild who is now 2 months old) Now which Mommy group would you fit in??? ADD to that you are a state away from 3/4 of your family!!! Yep – where’s the match.com for Mommies when you need it??? LOL!!!
Keep writing & I will keep reading 🙂

Oh girl . Not gonna lie totally cried during this one– also laughed my ass off as I’m remembering the suspicious animal cookie Holiday found as we both just sat there and watched her eat it (at least a couple days old) it has been a pleasure and an honor to watch those two goofy girls grow together and seriously those wine nights with you get me through life! I can only hope we can add some other cool moms into our fabulous Ferndale wolf pack

I wish Holiday were more flexible, it can be a real bummer missing out on things because her schedule is so rigid. So there are pros and cons, I try to remember this season will pass. So happy you liked it 💜

Wow 😳 you totally nailed exactly how I feel right now! I would love to find a rare mom friend like you! 🦄 Thank you for this post, it made me smile and more importantly gave me hope that there are other moms like me out there! ❤

They’re quite illusive. But I’m not sure why I thought finding my mom friends would be any easier than finding real friends, there was lots of trial and error there too haha… either way, when we find the mom ones #NeverLetGo. I’m sending good vibes out for the both of us 🙂 Thank you so much for reading Ashley!

The size 2 and instagram posts…i just gad my first baby and seeing the other women post on instagram how they are in their skinny jeans again makes me want to vomit. Good for them….not happening over here. Thanks for sharing!

FWIW, I think the mom friends come more easily the farther into motherhood you get. Or at least, it has for me. Perhaps there’s some pheromone that we put off once we really get into the swing of things that calls our mom tribe to us? I bet it smells like veggie straws and lunchables. (Don’t mess. You know you are eating the shit out of the residual veggie straws and strangely rounded lunch schmeats that your kid left behind.)

The best part is that there’s no such thing as “too many” mom friends. I started a new job in December and my husband routinely teases me that whatever additional income I am making in my new job has been entirely blown on additional lunch dates with my mom friends. (*Most* of my mom friends work too – so we have the added bonus of childfree lunch dates.) I love my children – and I love my husband, but I need my Mamatribe to keep from losing my mind and my shit.

Ah yes, you are probably right. Once I’m a little more seasoned and kick the “I’m worried my toddler is going to punch yours in the face at any moment, please don’t lose your shit” anxiety, I’m sure I’ll relax enough to actually connect with women. I’m going to try rubbing powdered cheese on my pulse points and see if anyone picks up my energy. I’m super envious of your lunch dates, I’m a mostly SAHM (with the exception of bartending a few nights), so child free time doesn’t happen nearly as often as is necessary to preserve my mental health. Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment Maggie, I appreciate it!

Great read! Thanks I can relate on so many levels. I’ve been thinking recently about joining a moms group but i keep flaking out. Maybe I need to just give it a shot. I just cant seem to bring myself to do the fake small talk, the one upping each other bullshit, the helicopter mom I just want trip as she is running after her kid at the playground. Because honestly i dont know if i even have the energy in me to deal. I have a three year old and a one year old and well three year olds are such assholes. He test me every chance he gets i feel like im constantly in battle. Im exhausted and i just dont know if i have it in me to deal with the fake petty bullshit. But at the same time I desperately need a tribe, an outlet, people that get it, but aren’t going to judge me when I say my kid is an asshole.