Company Policy

Uploaded 05/15/2009

Dear Staff:

Please see the following regarding clarification of company policy:

PAY RAISES:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bad we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore do not need a raise.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

LUNCH BREAKS:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal sized people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average size. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offender” category.

SURGERY:
As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed will constitute a breach of employment.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, and input should be directed elsewhere.