It was a solid concrete mass of a highway that got you there. Straight on Highway 412, a right onto Holly Street and then a slight left on West University Avenue. On the left across from the cathedral is a graveyard. Concrete tombstones dotted the green field, there were trees and a gravel path that wove between the plots. You went there to run and to think, brown and red leaves crunching under your feet in the autumn and frozen air burning up your lungs in the winter. It was a quiet place for your thoughts. No one would know about the fear, the anxieties, the despair. The graveyard was almost always empty.

University started when you were 19, a Sri Lankan missionary kid from the Philippines. Your mother hugged you goodbye on the concrete pavement in front of the women’s dorm, and you walked inside, into an American life on a small, Christian campus. There were daily classes, the all-you-can drink soda machines in the cafeteria, shopping at Wal-Mart and chapel services twice a week.

It has taken us 12 years since graduation to begin unraveling the space between the days.

Your life was going to be a mistake-free, dead straight road, heading in one direction. Jesus, heaven, peace. Was that the destination? There were visible off ramps and some detour signs, but you couldn’t possibly take a break from the straight road. If you did, you were lost with no way back. Your certainty was your security.

I see your fears, the ones that keep you inside the four walls of your dorm room. You’re afraid of making a mistake, of failing, you’re afraid of sin. Earning your way into belonging and love is the only way to satisfy your fears, but you can’t cope with the work it involves. So you wait through it. There is an unknown world of culture and calling right outside the door, and you don’t know how to navigate it. You think that by living less, by limiting your decisions, by staying safe you will keep yourself away from the unknown towns on the side of the highway.

One day you get off the straight Arkansas road, fly to the far side of the sea, travel around the world. You get married, you have children, and as the days tick over, you fight to live.

But I need you to know that there are so many mistakes, so many failures, and sin that so easily entangles, and I’m sorry, but this is life.

It is full of darkness.

You learned to fear the things that seemed big, so you stayed away from a second drink and didn’t date, but no one told you that selfishness breeds loneliness and pride only leads to destruction and your years can waste away in bitterness. You have no idea how much you will struggle to be truly honest with the man you love, how easy it is to lie about the small things, how easy it will be to not keep your word. You will not always be honest with friends, you will play a role you were not supposed to fill, and when you can’t take it anymore, you will run away from expectations you cannot meet. You will fail so many people.

Darkness will wrestle with you. It will not win, but it will be there. It has to be there. You cannot know the light until you’ve sat in the darkness.

There is a life waiting outside the highway. It will often look like a wilderness, but someone else is there. Did God grab hold of you? Did you grab hold of him? Theologians spend centuries debating how it works, and all you know is that you don’t know, but you are not in the wilderness alone.

His love and his truth remake you away from the straight road, in your mistakes and failures and sins, he is working.

It looks like asking for forgiveness. Often. You will have to learn how to belong to friends, community, husband and family, and learning how to belong to people when you make mistakes is a painful, beautiful lesson in grace. You learn that you don’t have to trust everyone, that building a friendship takes time. Endings become comfortable, you know now that not all things, not all people, not all relationships last forever.

I need you to know that the mistakes and failures lead to redemption and hope – this is the long road of wisdom and experience that you cannot see in a fall and spring semester. But when you turn around and look at the decades, you see the dead things made new, the ashes turning into beauty. It takes time for the spirit of despair to become a garment of praise.

So go ahead and live. Take the back roads and the tree-lined boulevards. Skip on gravel paths, fly down the autobahn, you cannot get lost because you don’t travel alone. He is leading you home.

Fun giveaway time!! I’ve got two copies of English Lessons to giveaway to anyone living in the US, and one copy for someone in Australia (apologies to those in Europe and Asia!). The giveaway is open until Friday, June 9.

To enter: Just leave a comment on this post and tell me, what’s one thing you would go back and say to your younger self? Please also indicate if you are in the US or Australia.

Update: The giveaway is closed, and the winners have been notified. Thanks!

7 Responses to "when doing everything right is no longer…right"

I can so relate to your post. If I could tell myself one thing, it would be enjoy the moment. dont live for perfection, it’s an illusion. It only leads to pride. Embrace your mess. Let God do the rest.
-April (from the u.s.)

There is so much you do not know. About life. About faith. About family. about who you are.
you cannot imagine the twists and turns that lay ahead but you are right to throw yourself on God. so right to waste time in your youth pondering who you are in christ. gazing at jesus. nothing else lasts.
you cannot see it now but you really are a child of god.

Be brave. be bold. Be confident. You can do it. Jesus is with you every step of the way. In fact, he’s holding your hand and guiding you through the jungle of life. All you need to do is trust him as you take his hand and rest in the peace and assurance that he knows the path ahead…every obstacle, every challenge…he will guide you through it or around it. Never will he let you go. Keep turning to him and talk with him. enjoy the journey (oh dear! That sounds like I haven’t been enjoying it! I have! I promise!!)

What a great post! If I were to go back and tell myself something it would be: it is ok to make a mistake. Speak up, make a decision and if you choose the wrong thing, that’s ok! I spent most of my younger years worried I would choose wrong when making a decision around other people so I let them dictate where to eat, what to do and so on. I missed out on many things because I was too worried about others to speak up for myself. Still a work in progress.

Love this post so much!
If I could tell my younger self anything – it would be to be present and appreciate the here and now. Be you and don’t change to impress others, and know that not all thoughts that come into your mind are from God.

What would I say? be brave, be fun- be careful whose voice you let inside your head. those adventures you’re so afraid to take? That’s where fear ends and life begins- go for it! Do the work, step, or leap with faith. you’ve got this!
thanks for sharing! maria, in australia

Beautiful post, and beautiful (yet tough!) question. I would tell myself that the nightmares will lose their power and so will the fear/control of man. you will get better at understanding which relationships are worth holding onto and investing in…enjoy your time in this season.