How do I Cope with Infertility?

My husband and I had been married about a year when we decided it was time to have a baby. It was all part of the plan I’d had had since I was a little girl. Imagine my surprise when the next step—the baby—didn’t come. Since I have ten brothers and sisters, the idea that having children might not happen, never crossed my mind. Years passed and it still didn’t happen. At first I was confused. Then frustrated. Then mad. Mad that I had kept my end of the bargain. I had been a ‘good’ teenager. I had participated in church my entire life. I had found a good man. Church is about family and I wanted to be a part of that. I wanted a family. Why would I be denied? It just didn’t make sense!

We spent five years searching for medical answers. At some point I hit sadness, depression even. I’m a woman. I had believed my whole life that my purpose was to be a mother. The thought I might not be able to be a mother, left me feeling worthless.

There were many days when it was just too much and I would cry my frustrations to my husband. He would tell me it would be okay and act strong for me but I knew not being a dad hurt his heart just as much as it hurt mine and knowing he was hurting made me feel worse. I felt like a failure as a wife and even told him he should divorce me and find someone who could give him children. He would roll his eyes and tell me not being able to have children was OUR problem, not MY problem and we would figure it out together.

“What is God Trying to Teach Me?”

I remember the day I decided I was done. I had just finished a very uncomfortable surgery and another round of fertility drugs when I found out I wasn’t pregnant—again. I sat staring at what seemed the millionth negative pregnancy test and I was done. I was tired of my body being monitored, timed, and charted. I was tired of bitter disappointment every month when I would discover all the tests and hormone drugs were for nothing. I was just tired. I had spent five years going to doctors for answers.

And then I suddenly realized the answers I needed couldn’t be found by my doctor. I had been asking the wrong questions. Instead of “Why can’t I have a baby”? it should be “How can we have a family”? That question was answered when my parents adopted my four youngest brothers and sisters. I suddenly realized adoption would provide me with a REAL family.

My next question “Why is God punishing me?” became, “What is God trying to teach me?” That was easy to answer. Growth always requires discomfort and sometimes pain. I knew five years of infertility had helped me grow. I could also see my husband and I had a much stronger marriage. We had learned to lean on each other when we were weak, and lift and encourage each other when we needed to. My husband had seen me at my worst and lowest point and he still loved me. Knowing he was committed to us ‘for better or worse’ strengthened our relationship.

Most of all, I realized my total belief in Jesus Christ and a loving Heavenly Father was solid and strong. I knew he had been aware of my heartache all along. Even when I thought I was alone, I realized now I was being carefully guided.

I sit here writing this as mother of three beautiful little boys who all joined our family through adoption. One afternoon as I was overwhelmed finishing birthday gifts, picking up my kids and my son’s soccer uniform, figuring out something for dinner and all of this with a one year old baby to keep track of, I had to stop and laugh. I had asked for the opportunity to raise kids and it was all around me. It didn’t come to me quite the way I had planned but hopefully what I have learned has helped me be a better mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend, and church member.

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7 thoughts on “How do I Cope with Infertility?”

Greetings. Thank you for sharing your story and for being honest about the emotional rollercoaster you faced. I am doing my thesis for my masters on infertility and would like to share your story. Would love your permission to do so! Thank you!

Your story gives me hope. On day 10 of my IVF medication, first cycle. Mom has stage IV lung and brain cancer. In a race to make her a grandma, and blogging about it here: http://megandewitt.blogspot.com/

I haven’t look at this article since it was published so I’m just seeing the comments. Thank you for your comment and I’m sorry about your mother. :-( I would definitely like to check out your blog. Blogging is what also helped me. It always made me feel better to get my feeling out and on virtual paper.

Thanks for your nice words. I’ve discovered over the last 15 years of infertility that it’s much more common that I ever imagined. I think that most women deal with SOME sort of ‘getting pregnant’ issues than those that have none. Good luck to you in your ‘journey’.