Let Go of the Spatula: Reconsidering Wedding Registries

My brother, my best friend, and my girlfriend’s sister are all getting married in the upcoming year, so I’ve heard a lot about wedding registries lately, and there seem to be many pros and cons. Personally, one of my least favorite things in life is going to Crate and Barrel, walking around with my scanner gun, and seeing that the only things that fit into my price range are wooden spatulas and the saucers to espresso cups (the cups already purchased). “Congrats on your everlasting love. Here’s a steamer basket.” I’ve always thought there has to be an alternative.

Here are two numbers I found interesting:

In 2010, 1.5 million engaged couples, or 88% of all couples with pending nuptials, set up a registry, according to the Knot Market Intelligence annual wedding registry survey.

According to research by the University of Denver, more than 70% of couples getting married are living together before the wedding.

Okay, so 70% of engaged couples are living together, and 88% of engaged couples are registering. According to the survey, more than 90% of registered items are bakeware and kitchen appliances. Here’s my question: Those couples that are living together, do they not have spatulas, steamer baskets, and toaster ovens yet? Is their apartment filled with mismatched plates and saucers and an uneven fork-to-spoon ratio? Do they not already blend their own smoothies?

The point I’m trying to make is that the majority of couples are living together, and I assume they have a functional household complete with everything they need. As for the couples who aren’t living together, it’s rare to have someone move out of their parents’ house and into the house of their betrothed. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the median marriage age in 2010 was 28.2 years old for men and 26.1 for women. In the 1960s, it was 22.8 years old for men and 20.3 for women. Compared with our parents’ generation, the 30% of currently engaged couples not living together have an extra six years to accumulate not one, but two sets of IKEA kitchen starter sets and warped cookie sheets.

Apparently, I’m somewhat alone in this thinking.

Things you wouldn’t buy yourself
My brother brought up that he would never buy a $500 blender, but it’d be nice to receive it as a gift. Perhaps then a registry is a collection of things you’d never buy yourself. I know that GRS readers are impossible to generalize, but I can’t help but think that if we’re itching for a Vitamix, most of us would forgo the $599 one from Crate and Barrel and substitute in the $499 one off Amazon listed “like new” (or better yet, chose a different Vitamix then the currently hip 500 professional series and get whatever Vitamix was hip last year, for half the price). We’re conscious about where our money goes, and I’d like to take into account my friends’ money, as well. (I don’t mean that literally…at least, I think I don’t.)

I’m not saying to throw caution to the wind and leave yourself open to getting a bunch of gifts that don’t fit your tastes, but if you’re looking for something that doesn’t come from Macy’s, there are other options for registries. In my continuing conversations about registries with those closest to me, I’ve come up with a list of a few fun suggestions:

The Honeymoon Registry. Okay, this one has been gaining a lot of steam in recent years. Websites like honeymoonwishes.com or honeyluna.com provide an easy way for guests to help a couple afford a honeymoon. What’s in it for the gift giver? Whether it’s chipping in for the hotel room or scuba equipment for a coral reef adventure, you can be assured that you’ll be investing in memorable experiences, as opposed to another turkey baster.

Big Ticket Items. My best friend and his fiancée were looking at their 500-square-foot Brooklyn apartment and couldn’t bring themselves to fill it with more Stuff. They decided to register for big-ticket items. I’ve seen couples register for anything from new cars to a new mattress, each attendee pitching in a portion. Sites like My Dream Home Registry make it easy.

Give to Charities. I’ve talked to couples that want friends and family to simply attend the wedding, not worry about buying the perfect gift. A good alternative is to pick favorite charities for your friends to make donations in your name. Justgive.org has a wedding registry section that’s easy to navigate and not only celebrates love, but generosity. (That’s their line, not mine.)

Do It All. I have to admit, I love this couple’s wedding site. Cheri and David were getting married and moving to France. The site had all the wedding info and R.S.V.P. forms, but it also had their registry. They decided their tastes didn’t fit into one store (and definitely not into a suitcase). They put together a list of things, some objects (everything from one-of-a-kind antiques to easy-to-find box store items), some services (such as Internet for their first three months in Paris or passes for Velib, Paris’ citywide bike rental system), and some high-ticket items (trip to Japan or a new dining room table.). You could choose to contribute to an item and that item would be marked off the list. What’s even more exciting is that Cheri and David’s idea was so popular that they started their own registry site, Merci Registry, and where couples can create their own blend of small boutique items, handmade artist goodies, and travel desires.

Weddings truly are big business and even creative couples who try to circumvent some of the higher costs of the big day itself often fall short in their creativity for registries. Couples can create registries that are personalized without relying on the mainstream box stores.

And to my brother, I love you bro, but when you move four times in the next five years, I know it’s going to be me carrying that Vitamix up four flights of stairs.

What are your ideas for creative wedding registries? If you’re married, what did you like about your registry process, and what would you do differently?

I’m probably stirring up a hornet’s nest, but that doesn’t bother me. That statistic of engaged couples living together at 70% is unreal. I’m a follower of Jesus Christ, and although I used to not live the most pure lifestyle, I have resolved to wait the rest of my days until I get married. Most engaged couples are having sexual relations and have been on trips together. So what makes your honeymoon different other than you’re spending more money on this particular trip and she has your last name? Completely unrelated to the topic, but felt like it should at least be brought to everyone’s attention, again.

When we got married, my husband and I both did not want gifts, because we really had everything we needed, and it felt weird to ask people for random stuff. We knew that people like to give something anyway, so we set up our own custom-made charity registry on our own website. We made sure to include a variety of charities so that our friends from all different political leanings could find something they were comfortable giving to, but that also were meaningful to us. I still feel moved when I think about everyone’s generosity and how we could share the day beyond our little world. I don’t think any kitchen appliance could give me that feeling.

Sorry if this is way OT, but is this the same Tim Sullivan that used to write for mgoblog? If so, I’m a long-time reader and looking forward to a different side of your expertise. If not, then… nice name.

We eloped and part of the reason was to avoid this whole debacle. I personally think that you should plan a wedding you can afford and shouldn’t expect gifts at all. The purpose at the end of the day is to be married to the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, not to milk your friends and family or get new stuff. If you were able to survive before with your hodgepodge stuff, you can continue to make do. Since we eloped, etiquette dictates a gift is not necessary. Some people asked what we wanted for gifts, and while the thought was sweet it wasn’t necessary. So we explained that we didn’t need anything, our mismatched dishes and towels work fine and we simply didn’t have room in our apartment to store fancy appliances. We are happy enough with what we have. But family and friends still sent us beautiful cards and some included checks. We graciously accepted their presents and sent thank you cards.

I generally do want to give a gift to loved ones when I attend these events, and registries do help me make an educated choice about their preferred style and needs. The downside is I feel like people are oftentimes guilted (not necessarily by the bride and groom but social norms) into purchasing gifts that are more expensive than they can comfortably afford.

I’ve never understood the appeal of a large “fairy tale” wedding. I also think I’m jaded after being a bridesmaid in a wedding where the bride was a total pain the butt. She didn’t seem to grasp that her family and friends shouldn’t be supplementing her dream wedding with their own cash so she could buy not one but two expensive wedding dresses (so she’d have something to change into for the after party)! I ended up having to flat out tell her I refused to throw her both a bridal shower and a jack and jill (similar to the stag and doe party mentioned in other comments – to raise money for the wedding) she needed to pick one. She was put out that I wouldn’t do both and I actually had to explain to her how unfair it was to basically ask her guests and wedding attendants to pay for her wedding and supply gifts at two events (the shower and the wedding). For the record, I purchased something off her registry for the shower (which was paid for by the bridemaids and included every woman invited to the wedding per the brides request) and I gave her cash and a handmade gift at the wedding. But the stress and financial issues really strained our relationship and we don’t really speak anymore. This horrible experience definitely colored the way I now look at weddings. An event that should have been happy, turned into a money grab. Registries can be good, but I fear too many people have had a similar, if less drastic experience and now associate consumerism and greed with weddings and registries.

I was one of the throw-backs to an earlier time who got married at age 22 (in 2001), moving from the dorms to my married apartment. My husband was 21 and also had the mish-mash of college household leftovers. I was happy to register for matching plates. At the time, my extended family thought I was wacko for avoiding registering at the biggest department store in town (I didn’t feel the need to ask for the most expensive stuff possible). I think it’s great that combined-store registries and Amazon lists are possible now. I think asking for money has always been rude and should continue to be but expecting someone to get you the $600 mixer is pretty bad too. I like the idea of suggesting charitable donations in lieu of household items for people who already have households established.

And it’s baffling to me why people don’t understand that it is rude to go around hat in hand to your friends and family as if your wedding was a street performance or a fundraiser. You’re getting married, not curing breast cancer.

If you don’t use a registry, people will just give you whatever they want to. One-way ticket to three blenders.

We merged two households with yes, lots of stuff already — but as budding cooks we had TONS of things we still wanted and needed. It was a chance to outgrow our $10 Ikea pots and pans and graduate to something we can make meals with for the rest of our lives.

These Honeyfund things are just a bogus sham to get cash. It’s stupid – they take a commission. And, you’re not obligated to go ahead and buy whatever it is the person picked for you. We did that once, and the scuba thing we bought – the couple never ended up doing. It was a let down to know that. Lame.

@Honeybee, Honeyfund does NOT take a commission, because the money is never deposited with them. Your guests download a certificate and write a check, which they give directly to you. I did a LOT of looking around for a website that worked this way, so I know the ones you are talking about, but this is not that.

Yes, officially you don’t have to spend it on what the couple says they’d like the money to go to – that’s where having honor comes in

I guess my fiancé and I are in a crazy small minority. Both of us are almost 30 and live with our parents still so we haven’t accumulated anything for a household. We aren’t getting married for another year but we decided that we are going to wait until then to live together. I’m still not registering though, it feels really tacky to tell people what to buy us.

Putting my anthropology hat on, I would say that there is good reason why wedding gifts are an emotive issue. Gift giving needs to be culturally appropriate and in a rapidly changing economy culture also changes rapidly. All barter and money exchange is gift giving and therefore implies the obligation to reciprocate.

In Australia, the Anglos think it’s tacky of the Greeks to pin money onto the bride’s dress. I suspect the Greeks think anglos are too damn stingy on all things to do with their children. I have never heard of “dollar dances” but I love it! That is so appropriate for the age and culture of the participants.

Potlucks are well known in Anthropology for how out of control they became as the tribes involved got more and more carried away with increasingly showing up the less fortunate tribes with each passing year. Gift giving is competitive for some people, and putting on a wedding is also a gift. $50 a plate? Try $150/plate!

For other groups, the spiritual inclusion in the ritual is the big ticket item, indicating status within the community, with the marrying couple, and with God. Higher status in the wedding party will reap more expensive presents, whereas in other groups it means a less expensive present because their labour as attendants has already been given + the cost of outfits they don’t necessary like.

IMHO nothing is free, but some people will still try to get the better end of the bargain or even try to freeload. There will always be young men who buy the couple a bottle opener, bitch about having to wear a suit, and then drink bar dry or do drugs in front of the bride’s mother.

The point is that people do like weddings for all sorts of reasons, and you can’t predict how people will see your wedding in a multicultural society. Just take it as it comes.

I lived with my husband before we got married so like your article points out, we had a lot of the required housewares before setting foot on the aisle. I went the traditional wedding registry route anyway, but I wish I’d done a bit more research about alternatives. For example, you can register for gift cards to various stores at CardAvenue.com, and have friends and family buy you cards to use toward whatever you want. The hardest thing during registering was determining what we really needed – no one can figure that out in one afternoon! Having gift cards to spend whenever is super convenient, plus we could have used them toward big purchases that we didn’t want to include on our registry (pay money to attend or wedding and oh, by the way, we could really use a couch!).

My fiance and I are working through this right now. We are moving aborad after the wedding and definitly do not want more stuff. We’ll likely do one of the honeymoon registreies, where we can pick events and travel adventures for guests to donate to if they like. We also will be having people travel for the wedding and their presence will be the best gift of all. Hoping we can spell that out in our wedding website and invites so no one feels obligated.

Chinese wedding gifts are commonly money. Cold hard cash in the red envelope. Use it to pay the mortgage, fix a leak, buy a nice dinner, etc. There’s usually a little box on a gift table that allows people to drop a card with the red envelope or they can choose to flag down the couple and hand it to them directly.

It is quite culturally accepted and a few of the gen Y Asian American weddings I’ve been to recently haven’t registered anywhere. Especially if they’re having a wedding where a majority of guests come from out of town (so guests don’t need to pack the gift or the wedding party doesn’t need to schlep it home).

Some interesting stats there and I love the spatula ref in your title! My wife and I still have our (unused) wooden spoons from our joyous day many moons ago.

I’m in the weddings business and I’ve noticed of late that instead of partaking in the registry quite a few guests are now doing things like shouting the wedding car hire for their friends or some other significant cost.

Must be these tough financial times! Practicalities become more important.

Advertiser Disclosure:
Many of the savings offers appearing on this site are from advertisers from which this website receives compensation for being listed here.
This compensation may impact how and where products appear on this site (including, for example, the order in which they appear). These offers do not represent all deposit accounts available.

Disclaimer: Rates / APY terms above are current as of the date indicated. These quotes are
from banks, credit unions and thrifts, some of which have paid for a link to
their website. Bank, thrift and credit union deposits are insured by the FDIC
or NCUA. Contact the bank for the terms and conditions that may apply to you.
Rates are subject to change without notice and may not be the same at all
branches.

Disclaimer:All information provided on this site is for informational purposes only. GetRichSlowly.org makes no representations as to the accuracy, completeness, suitability or validity of any information on this site and will not be liable for any errors or omissions in this information or any damages arising from its display or use.