And a darkness began to set in. And exhaustion, and no appetite and all sorts of things.

All the things that new moms deal with, so you don’t know any better when the symptoms pop up…

Until your milk nearly dries up and your amazing son is losing weight rather than gaining…

And everything gets overwhelming because when your thyroid is way off, something simple can feel stressful: so something stressful, can feel impossible.

It’s a bizarre and remote feeling:
a darkness setting in
when your entire life is dedicated to LIGHT.

I think you can probably relate. That is this time. We are all being pushed to the edge. To our extremes. Emotionally, physically, financially. We are being asked to be bigger. To rise.

I don’t think there’s anyone out there in this big, wide world that doesn’t look at the last 6 months and say: WHAT THE ACTUAL F IS HAPPENING?

And I’ve had to resort to the very simplest things of late. Because when you are sick, and tired and holding a baby whose life depends on you, and find it hard to find time to eat, much less practice any measure of real self-care, you go back to the very basics.

Why don’t we say Dude Boss? or Guy Boss? Oh. That’s right. Because the construct is so prevalent in our society, we don’t have to designate that it’s a man, because we already ASSUME it. (Obviously. Silly lady.)

I’m putting myself through all this— being a boss, and I can’t even be, just… Boss?

And in an instant, I know: I want my son to grow up in a world where he doesn’t ever see a difference between a dude boss, and a lady boss. Differences in execution, style? Of course. But in potential? Never.

And then even in exhaustion, I know I am doing the right thing. Because I can show him what Boss looks like.

Because even if I am brought to my knees.
I tried.

Even if we fail, we leapt.

Even if we lose everything, we expand for more.

ENERGY IS NEVER WASTED IN THIS UNIVERSE.

Every trial, tribulation is met with more on the other end of it.

IF we are willing to be present to it.

And sometimes that presence is quiet, tender, pain.

And sometimes it’s owning you’re a BOSS on a totally cheesy t-shirt.

One is not “better” than the other. One is more pleasant, obviously. But how could we even differentiate pleasure without the pain?