From the Far Hash: The Training Camp Drinking Game

Disclaimer: this is meant as a joke. I do not endorse the use of alcohol. Only drink responsibly and legally. I am not responsible for any injury or death due to drinking, reading this article, or playing this game. In fact, this is not really a drinking game at all. It’s a satire about sports reporters repeating their same story lines. Enjoy responsibly with a glass of milk. Pocket Doppler is not responsible for what you do in your life.

Training camp is a mere ten days away. We can smell it in the air and almost taste it. Right now, hope floats eternal because everyone is undefeated and team rosters are full of new, promising faces. Yes, this is one of my favorite times of year. It’s like Christmas in July, sans eggnog.

This is also the time of year when we hear the same story lines ad nauseum . It seems some sports writers grasp on to the same story and tell it over and over, as if it’s the first time we’ve ever heard it. The same stories appear in all the papers and on all the news broadcasts. Child, please. We are educated fans. We know our team. We want some fresh insight. We see your story and raise you a glass of our beverage of choice, which is obviously non-alcoholic.

There are a few compelling stories in the upcoming Packers training camp. Those include the battle to start at right tackle, the competition to start at safety opposite Morgan Burnett, the development of Evan Dietrich-Smith, and the comeback of Johnny Jolly. Unfortunately, most of what we will read will just insult our intelligence. We’ve heard it all before at least a bamillion times. We know what we need to pay attention to. So, let’s make a game out of it. Get your 2% ready.

Every time a sports reporter writes, or a commentator says, any of the following, complete the associated task:

One Drink

The “new” and “improved” running game

The defense being ranked #11 overall in 2012

The defense being ranked #32 overall in 2011

Stopping Adrian Peterson running for a brazilian yards against the Packers

Anything about poor tackling

Aaron Rodgers’ new contract

Aaron Rodgers being ranked #6 on the NFL Top 100 List

Any ranking of Aaron Rodgers anywhere

Aaron Rodgers being sacked 51 times in 2012

Aaron Rodgers hanging on to the ball too long

Aaron Rodgers’ brain and concussions

Anything about Aaron Rodgers’ backup

Aaron Rodgers waiting in the green room for 18 days without food, water, or shelter during the draft

Any mention of Brett Favre

Two Drinks

Eddie Lacy’s toe

Tramon Williams’ nerve damage

Davon House’s shoulder

Derek Sherrod’s leg

Alex Green’s knee

James Starks being a glass joe

Clay Matthews’ hamstrings

Bryan Bulaga’s hip

Andrew Quarless’ knee

Terrell Manning’s parasite

DuJuan Harris’ lung cyst

Sean Richardson’s neck

Desmond Bishop’s hamstring now playing in Minneapolis

Seeing Brett Favre in a Vikings jersey

Three Drinks

Offensive line musical chairs

Not having a 100-yard rusher since Super Bowl II

Not having a 1000-yard rusher since 1919

Josh Sitton being “the leader” of the line

The looming Week 1 game against the 49ers

B.J. Raji’s “contract year”

Sam Shields’ “contract year”

Mason Crosby missing a field goal attempt from 30 or more yards

Taking Randall Cobb off of kick return duties

Ted Thompson’s “draft and develop” strategy

Ted Thompson’s personnel staff being raided each year

Winston Moss being a “hot” head coaching candidate yet again

Greg Jennings taking less money to play in Minnesota

Reading/hearing a Brett Favre interview

Four Drinks

How the defensive coaching staff went to Texas A&M to learn how to defend the zone read

How the defense is placing more emphasis on generating fumbles

Anything to do with Jermichael Finley’s mouth

Anything about “since Nick Collins”

Bryan Bulaga’s “short” arms, as if he’s T. rex or something

Mason Crosby missing a field goal attempt from less than 30 yards

Evan Dietrich-Smith getting stomped on by Ndamukong Suh

Clay Matthews playing with a broken leg, in the snow, up hill both ways, without shoes

Mike McCarthy changing his practice schedule yet once again

Anything to do with the average age of the Packers roster

Brett Favre saying something nice about the Packers

Chug

181

579

4th and 26

Hearing “pad level” mentioned yet again

Hearing “communication breakdown” mentioned yet again

Hearing “taking poor angles” mentioned yet again

“Fail Mary”

Mason Crosby missing an extra point attempt

Aaron Rodgers and Brett Favre “making up”

Any mention of jersey #4 being retired

Ok, now you can get through training camp a little more sane. And sober, of course. With a nice dose of calcium.

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