Mumbai's Forgotten Prayer

The power of Gavriel and Rivka Holtzberg's prayer.

by Miriam Alexander

So many of us were riveted to our television and computer screens, watching in horror as events unfolded on the burning streets of Mumbai. We held our breath as we witnessed the brave nanny, Sandra Samuel, running out of the Chabad House with Moshe, Gavriel and Rivka Holtzberg's two-year-old son, who was hanging on for dear life to the only familiar reminder left for him in a world suddenly gone mad.

Only the briefest mention was made of the Holtzbergs' two other children, and in each article I read, I searched for more information but it was always the same: "The Holtzbergs were no strangers to tragedy, having lost a child last year to a debilitating genetic disease." Most of the time, their second child, also suffering from the same disease -- Tay-Sachs -- but still alive, was not mentioned.

No one who hasn't been through it can understand what happens to a parent who is forced to sit by their child's bedside and watch them deteriorate until they die.

Every person approaches a situation from their own perspective: teachers judge by how educational it is, doctors by how healthy, lawyers by how legal. As a parent of children who suffered similarly, I viewed the Holtzbergs through those lenses. Our children suffered from a genetic disease similar to Tay-Sachs, but much less known and studied. Metabolic illnesses such as Tay-Sachs run a gamut, and I am always on the lookout for others who unwittingly found themselves standing in the unpredictable world of inborn errors of metabology. It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it. That's why it was this part of their story that caught my attention, as I desperately tried to make sense of their suffering.

No one who hasn't been through it can understand what happens to a parent who is forced to sit by their child's bedside and watch them deteriorate until they die. You can hold them, whisper to them words of prayer, even feed them up until a certain point, all the time knowing that there will be no medical miracles for you and that the end is inevitable. Anyone who has found themselves in this situation knows that, while it seems like they are just sitting there minding their own business, they are really undergoing a profound transformation, undetectable from the surface.

Once the shiva is over, the tears are dried up, and life somehow trudges on, the parents realize that they have been altered forever. Although the child was small, his soul was huge. Parents have been in hand to hand contact with this powerful force, without realizing the effect it was having on them.

I found myself unable to tolerate anything that was not essential, important, and true. The normal superficialities that cushion a life were gone, surgically removed without the benefit of anesthesia.

Although the Holtzbergs had so many things going for them -- supportive parents, loving families, excellent education, idealistic work -- it may have been this experience that sent them over the border from special to superhuman. Their laser sharp focus on doing for others defies logical explanation.

NO PRAYER IS LOST

A child, Moshe, was saved, miraculously so, even though he was not the one they were praying for.

And yet, despite the growth that parents who have lost a child undergo, an important question remains. I remember the months our babies dangled between life and death, we said hundreds of prayers for them, and many other people prayed for them as well. No doubt the Holtzbergs did the same. But if in the end the child died, where do all the prayers go?

A prayer is never lost. In the Holtzberg's case, I think we all merited to witness, with our own eyes, where those prayers went. A child, Moshe, was saved, miraculously so, even though he was not the one they were praying for.

As for Dov Ber, their other hospitalized child, I wonder who will sit and comfort him, sing to him, and remind him that his soul is a holy one? And who will pray for him and for an end to the terrible evil that made him an orphan -- if not we?

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 26

(25)
chaya b,
December 22, 2008 2:56 AM

very poignant article. the rock solid faith of the author forces the reader to grow further. i would love to see more of ms. anlexander at aish.com

(24)
lynn finson,
December 21, 2008 2:15 PM

let us dare not forget

The tragedy of the murders in Mumbai is so deep. I believe the Holtzbergs were like a re-incarnation of Avraham and Sarah. May their message of love and belief in G-d resound throughout the world as did the same message of Avraham and Sarah. And of course, may both their children somehow be strengthened and fill the world with renewed hope.

(23)
Anonymous,
December 19, 2008 6:41 PM

Another response to Sara

This article was emailed to all of us parents who are members of a Tay-Sachs organization. We all have children with Tay-Sachs disease. Most of us are not Jewish, so we had no idea we were carriers.
First of all, I want to say that I loved the article. Secondly I want to say that our children don't suffer. My daughter is blissfully unaware of her circumstances. She's comfortable and loved. In fact, she knows nothing but love and compassion. It is the rest of us who are suffering, not her. People often come over to my house and pray for my daughter's healing, and while I don't ever say it outloud, I always think in my head that my daughter is absolutely perfect just the way God made her. She has never sinned. It is the rest of us that need healing.

(22)
susannah garbutt,
December 19, 2008 10:30 AM

death of a child ? how do parents cope

I have often wondered how the African women shown often with their children dying of starvation in their arms manage this most horrendous of all sufferings that I can conceive of - I have no children,but I would fight to the death to defend any child I was caring for, I just cannot imagine a worse form of agony than what so many of these mothers go through, and it seems to happen somewhere in Africa every year just about. The most common response from parents everywhere, when their child is found to have a fatal affliction, or dies in an accident or whatever, is 'why can't it be me', and some of them die of broken hearts, or their lives stop - even though they are alive, their hearts are so broken, the pain is so profound, they cannot move forward, even though they may have other children (this happened to a family of a murdered daughter in my country). Others set up support groups for other victims of crime - I am aware of 3 of these here. Other families split up, others threaten to disintegrate - my heart goes out to anyone who is losing a child to disease, or has lost a child to violence or other forms of evil. My mother lost her youngest son, severely affected by schizophrenia, but also abusing cough medicine (for the codeine in it - led to addiction), plus mixing other medicines - the guess is an unknown combination of drugs available at a pharmacy is what killed him. He died in 1999 - he was 37. Jan 2 is his birthday - he would have been 47 this year. When another brother nearly died in 2003 and again 2007 (different causes), my mother was faced again with the nightmare prospect of losing yet another son (she had four children altogether - our father had left home in 1965, and all four of us developed severe forms of mental illness and substance abuse.)
With my youngest brother who died at 37, until she could get him into a flat of his own, he lived with her, and eventually, while I was interviewing her for a school assignment, she said that every morning when she woke up, she cried. Although Mum and I clash, she has literally gone through hell - and yet she does not go on about illnesses etc and trips to hospital in ambulances unless it slips out. She is the one in our family who is strong and has courage - true courage - she does what needs to be done and says what needs to be said. As I said before, we clash, but despite all the fights, I cannot help but admire her persistence, endurance and courage. It seems to go with being a mother - she is now finally getting a life of her own at 83yo (84 in Feb), in a retirement village. Mothers somehow have a toughness and resilience and devotion that others don't seem to. She has won the gold medal that she has well and truly earnt. Thus, I wish to all the other mothers in the world who are doing it tough - hang on, endure, accept the love and support from others, nurture yourself as you need it, weep and rage and scream when you need to, all of us in the human family are with you in spirit, even if we are living in another continent, or cannot give a donation. No woman is an island, entire to herself - therefore, do not ask for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee (a rough rendering of poet John Donne's verse)Blessings and strength. SuethXXXXXXX

(21)
Anonymous,
December 16, 2008 3:24 PM

The article was very moving and well expressed.
I usually do not take the libery to address other comments but in this case, an exception must be made.
This is directed to Sara, nmbr 11 - my first reaction when i heard that there were other children with Tay Sachs and that the Holzbergs continued to live their lives fully and beautifully was respect and admiration and tears. I reaped such strength from this information. The holiest people in the world are ones who live for Gd only and not for others. I read somewhere a quote that went somewhat like this - a sad thing it is to always be living in other people's perceptions and imaginations. Of course, that quote does not completely cover it but it's is part of how the Holzbergs and so many others live.
If people lived the way the person I am addressing and so many others expected of them, compassion and strength and keen understanding born of extreme suffering would not exist.
May i respectfully ask Sara if she has any children with special needs or has experienced the death of a child?
To use this article and the death of the Holzbergs as a slingshot to promote Tay Sachs testing is inappropriate. Testing is part of our world and has its merits, however, there is a time and a place for everything and this was not the time or the place.
The suffering that i have experienced and the paths that my husband and I have traveled under the warmth of G-d's protection may not necessarily have been our first choices. Yet, I sing when i see a leaf change color, when my autistic child pats my face, my tears are sweet, when my deaf daughter (BY CHOICE!!!!!AND YES IT IS GENETIC!!!!!!! AND I HAVE MORE THAN ONE! AND I HAVE LOTS AND LOTS OF HAPPY KIDS,SOME DISABLED, SOME NOT AND ALL BY CHOICE) sails across the stage in a dance, my heart soars. Life is tough. Life can be ugly. But there is no room for cold, calculated scientific comments in MY life.
The Holzbergs are a shining example of what it means to rise above the ugliness and weave through the fabric of suffering a home and children and love and yes, even the deaths and sicknesses become part of the fabric and made it all the more beautiful in its own way.
I am so grateful to the Holzbers because of what they were, they changed the perceptions of so many people. They have helped me realize that as much as i am capable of, i am capable of even more. So onward we will march ....
We are answerable ONLY to Gd.

(20)
abe,
December 16, 2008 2:32 PM

thanks

very moving & inspiring
thank u thank u.
i plan to share this with my students bs"d

(19)
Anonymous,
December 16, 2008 11:35 AM

Nanny's husband (Eliana)

I might be wrong, but I've read that the nany's husband passed away about 2 years ago and the Holtzberg covered all the funeral costs.

(18)
Eliana,
December 16, 2008 7:35 AM

What about the nanny?

The events in Mumbai were extremely tragic for so many people—including the nanny, who appears to miss the Holzbergs as much as their son. I understand that she has two children of her own. Are they in Israel with her now? What about her husband and other family members? They must be in extreme danger because of her bravery. I hope that some of the money that is being collected for Chabad is going towards the nanny’s care and for her family to join her in Israel or to migrate another country to avoid retaliation by the terrorists.

(17)
Gaelle,
December 15, 2008 9:43 PM

Amazing article!
Just to let everyone know that there is a jewish, religious organisation who deals with problems of fertility/genetic disorders. I am not sure of what they have to offer in the case of Tay-Sachs carrier parents in particular but I do know that they have a whole division on in vitro fertilisation under medical and rabbinical supervision in order to prevent the transmission of genetic disorders.
"PUAH Institute is comprised of individuals who are world-renowned experts in the field of fertility medicine and Jewish Law, working in tandem under the leadership of Rabbi Menachem Burstein. This dedicated group embodies a unique synthesis of rabbinical wisdom and specialized training in modern reproductive medicine."
I know they are based in Israel but they also have an office in NYC. I think we should spread the word in the community.
Their website is: www.puahonline.org

(16)
yael z.,
December 15, 2008 2:40 PM

Thank you

Your story was essential, important and true. Thank you for sharing something so personal and painful with us. I am so moved and hope that you are comforted. I daven that you and all suffering parents and children see your future prayers answered.

(15)
Adinah Rosen,
December 15, 2008 1:50 PM

A word on Tay-Sachs

I know of an older couple who had four healthy children(now healthy grandchildren and greatgrandchildren) who later discovered they were both Tay-Sachs carriers. There are some beautiful stories circulating of how Rivka and Gavriel worked together as an amazing team. Being carriers does not mean that a person is destined to have children with the disease. It means they have a higher risk. In these days we are learning what the sages have already told us in regards to neshemas coming into bodies with such things as autism and downs syndrome: these are very special souls that have come to help us or have very little tikun to do. We don't God forbid, blame a parent because their child has some genetic disease such as polysistic kidneys, or condemn a person to never have children if they are a carrier(don't need both parents to be carriers for many diseases). A couple that knows that they are carriers are forced to be very clear about how much they feel that they are true soul mates with important work to do together and they will receive what Hashem gives them, as we see that seems to be the case with Rivka and Gavriel who had an incredible sense of purpose, commitment and faith that all is for the good. Statistically, women having children over 40 are at greater risk of all sorts of things but we don't tell women in the Torah world to go on birth control once they turn 40 . Science/statistics can help us but should never control us. I hate to think of all the beautiful souls that came into the world through mothers over 40, not coming because of "what other people think and say" who make decisions according to statistics. My son born to us when I was 44 is one of the greatest gifts to our whole family.

(14)
Anonymous,
December 15, 2008 11:01 AM

This is in response to Sara.

You are right regarding the genetic testing available to the Ashkenazic public, however, where do you get the right to judge people's morality for "knowingly risk bring a Tay Sachs child...........etc. I am no Rabbi nor Gadol (I am a plain woman) but we learn that there are neshamos that have to come down to earth to suffer a tikun for past lives. We are not here to tell people how to live their lives - they have Rabbis, etc. for that.

(13)
Katherina,
December 15, 2008 3:31 AM

Thank you very much!I'm a mother of 6 sons, my youngest son Jordan is just 3. Everywhere I'm very sad to hear about children, who lost their parents, because I know very well, how much children need love.I would like to hug and kiss Moshe and Dov Ber!I'll pray for them to God to send them loving people, who would take care of them as a parents.

(12)
M Cohen,
December 14, 2008 5:57 PM

No prayer is gone lost.

Beautiful. These words have described in a meaningful way the confusion of feelings I have since I read the news and knew about the other 2 children. Our prayers are with them, with all of them, with the millions of children who suffer any disease, pain, hunger, war, fear, cold, abandonment, the ones who have been taken away from home... Every prayer counts and when the response comes is really loud and clear.

(11)
Anonymous,
December 14, 2008 2:10 PM

THANK YOU!

THIS QUESTION HAS BEEN ON MY MIND CONSTANTLY SINCE THIS TRAGEDY OCCURRED.
WHY IS NO MENTION EVER MADE ANYWHERE TO THE FACT THAT THERE IS ANOTHER O R P H A N LEFT BY THE HOLTZBERGS HY'D. HE MIGHT BE UNWELL BUT HE IS A HUMAN BEING AND NEEDS LOVE AND ATTENTION AS MUCH (or MORE) THAN ANY HEALTHY CHILD.
I AM A PARENT OF A NUMBER OF CHILDREN WITH DIFFERENT DEGREES OF MENTAL LIMITATIONS AND MY MOST FERVRENT WISH IS THAT PEOPLE WOULD LEARN TO RESPECT AND HONOR PEOPLE WITH LESSER INTELLIGIENCE MORE.

(10)
Sarah,
December 14, 2008 2:01 PM

Jewish Genetic testing

I hope that the Holtzberg tragedy highlights the need for every Jew of Ashkenazi background of child bearing intention to get the "Ashkenazi panel" of genetic testing, which tests for eleven different genetic diseases that are more prevalent in this population. I also question the morality of two people who find out that they are both carriers of Tay Sachs, knowingly risk bring a Tay Sachs child into the world to suffer the terrible death they suffer.

(9)
Anonymous,
December 14, 2008 11:35 AM

Where is Dov Ber? Who is caring for him?

As above.

(8)
Deena,
December 14, 2008 10:52 AM

touching

Wow. This is such a touching article. So sad. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us.

(7)
varda branfman,
December 14, 2008 10:34 AM

We cannot stop thinking about this tragedy. We replay it over and over in our minds, but now you've given us a way of seeing beyond the surface of this tragedy-- a veil that only you could penetrate because of your life's experiences. With your beautifully sensitive article, you've given us a precious understanding of the nature of prayer. Thank you.

(6)
Ruby G.,
December 14, 2008 10:22 AM

Praying for each other

BS"D
I read your story twice and cried both times. Your personal message touched me deeply. You painfully lost children to a genetic disease, yet, you're encouraging others to pray for Dov Ber (perhaps for mercy) and the world knowing that no prayer goes unanswered. The realization that the Holzberg's child Moshe may have been saved by his parents' prayers for his siblings was mind boggling especially coming from someone who has lost children to genetic disease. Although I don't know you, I send my love to you --one Jew to another. May we all continue to pray for each other and know that our Father in Heaven is listening.

(5)
charlene,
December 14, 2008 9:32 AM

The nanny, the child's only link to ' normal' lfe

I wish I knew that the nanny was able to stay with the children who survived this heinous crime - I wish I knew that the nanny, the last link to normal life for that little boy and perhaps the hospitalized child as well, was able to stay as the child's nanny wherever he was sent. C

(4)
Rita Goldstone,
December 14, 2008 9:20 AM

A Lesson On Prayer

Your very emotional and valuable insight on prayer, borne from your own unfathomable tragedy, taught a lesson on Prayer that will resonate for many people. Yes, what happens to those prayers--when they seem to go unanswered? You beautifully point out that each prayer is heard--even if we do not merit to always witness "where" the prayer went - as it did in the case of little Moshe Holtzberg's miraculous rescue.

(3)
ruth housman,
December 14, 2008 9:12 AM

wounds and blessings

Hi, like many, many others, I have trouble when people say, God saved this one, when the context of discussion is a terrible thing that happened "to the others". I have heard this said so many times as a kind of mantra, and yet there is a deep hole in logic here and I cannot accept this. If God saved the little boy, as surely the boy was saved, then we have to ask, why were these parents NOT saved? It's not for me to answer some of the deepest, most profound questions that come to us all, but it is, for me, to pose this and not to accept this as a blessing for one and not the others.
For all those saved in the terrible disaster of 911, this MUST be a question and it's a question any thinking person should recognize as extant. I get so many beautiful emails about blessings. I say, in all this, there has to be "another story".

Vlad Seder,
July 6, 2014 11:11 PM

HaShem gives, HaShem takes away, may HaShem's name be blessed.

No human being has an unalienable right for life - every life is a generous gift from HaShem. It's up to HaShem to decide who needs to continue to use this gift, and who had enough. Death is not a punishment - it's a final line. It's said that death of tzaddikim atone for the sins of their generation. It's also said that death of tzaddikim is dear to HaShem (yakar be'einei HaShem hamavtah la'hasidav). HaShem is not a sadist who enjoys killing tzaddikim, He just loves when one of His children reaches the final line as a champion, having used one's potential to the fullest, bringing his/her generation one step closer to final redemption.

(2)
Anonymous,
December 14, 2008 9:05 AM

Beautiful article. I agree with the author - "unanswered" prayers are merely stored to fill future lacks. But she also made me think. If the Holtzberg's lost one child and a second is baruch Hashem alive, but afflicted with Tay-Sachs, imagine the tear-filled prayers, from their broken-and-barely-mended-hearts, that they must have deperately prayed for this, their third child. And in all that carnage, their prayers - perhaps those that went unanswered for their other children joining unbreakable ranks with new prayers for Moshe - protected their baby against all odds. such is the power of a parents' prayer. it's humbling to still be learning from this amazing couple. may it be an aliya for them.

(1)
leah roberts,
December 14, 2008 8:33 AM

the perspective i prayed for

thank you for your willingness to share your courage and perspective with others.
of all the many different angles and chizuk offered on this tragedy, your words, yotz'im min halev, went directly to nichnasim...
while we often find it impossible to relate or emulate in a significant way to the "superhumans," you shared your very personal avoda in a way that inspires us to penetrate - especially difficulty - and absorb it at the neshama level. breathtaking.

I was born with a neuromuscular disease known as Spinal Muscular Atrophy and have been confined to a wheelchair my entire life. Unfortunately my sister and I were raised without any religious instruction or guidance. My father wasn't Jewish and although my mother is, she openly claims to be an atheist. The "good news" is that both my sister and myself - independent of each other and at different times in our lives - realized that we are Jewish and chose to live a Jewish life.

Because of my disability, I'm not always able to attend services on Shabbat, but I always light candles, pray from a Siddur and read the weekly Torah portion. I would like to know whether, considering my situation, if using a computer is allowed during the Sabbath? I found the complete Bible online and since my computer is voice-activated I don't have to struggle to turn pages or continuously ask for assistance.

Thank you to everyone at Aish.com for making it possible for myself and so many others to learn about being Jewish and grow in the most important part of our lives.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Thank you so much for your encouraging words and for sharing your inspiring story.

God gives each of us a set of challenges. To those more capable of conquering difficulties, He gave bigger challenges. A challenge from God is a sign that He cares about us and has confidence in our ability to become great.

It sounds like you're doing great!

As for using the computer on Shabbat, that is prohibited. A foundation of Judaism is that we need to respect God's wishes, even if we think that doing otherwise is "for a good reason." Consider this story:

A king calls in his trusted minister and says: "I have an important mission for you to perform. Go to the neighboring kingdom and meet in the palace with their leaders. But remember one thing - under no circumstances must you remove your shirt during this meeting. Now go and do as I say."

The minister sets off on his merry way and soon arrives at the neighboring kingdom. There he heads straight for the palace where he meets with the King. In the midst of their discussion, he sees some of the king's officers pointing and laughing at him.

"Why are you laughing?" asks the visiting minister.

"Because we've never seen someone with such a pronounced hunchback as yourself," they say.

"What are you talking about? I'm not a hunchback!"

"Of course you are!"

"No I'm not!"

"We'll bet you one million dollars that you are!"

"Fine - I'll gladly take your bet."

"Okay, so take off your shirt and prove it."

At which point the minister remembers the parting words of the king... "under no circumstances must you remove your shirt during the meeting." Yet, the minister reasons, a million dollars would certainly bring added wealth to the king's coffers. I know I'm not a hunchback, so I'll surely win the bet. Of course, under these circumstances the king would approve...

The minister removes his shirt and proudly displays his perfect posture. With pride in his achievement, he holds out his hand, into which is placed a check for one million dollars.

The minister can barely contain his excitement. He quickly ends the meeting and runs back to give the wonderful news to his king. "I earned you a million dollars!" exclaims the minister. "It was easy. I only had to remove my shirt to prove that I wasn't a hunchback."

"You did what?!" shouts the king. "But I told you specifically not to remove your shirt. I trusted that you'd follow instructions, and so I bet the other king $10 million dollars that he couldn't get you to remove your shirt!"

The Torah tells us "Do not add or subtract from the mitzvahs." (Deut. 4:2) Jewish law is a precise metaphysical science. Consider a great work of art. Would you consider adding a few notes to a Bach fugue, or some brushstrokes to a Rembrandt portrait?!

Perfection, by definition, cannot be improved upon. Altering Torah law is an unacceptable implication that God is lacking.

The verse in Psalms 19:8 declares: "Torat Hashem Temimah" - the Torah of God is complete. For just as adding one wire to a transistor radio means it no longer can pick up reception, so too we mustn't tinker with Jewish law. The mitzvahs of God are perfect.

May the Almighty give you strength to continue your growth in Judaism.

In 1315, King Louis X of France called back the Jews who had been expelled a few decades earlier by King Louis IX. This marked a theme in Jewish-French life: expulsions and subsequent invitations to return. The French monarchy was trying to establish their land as the "new Jerusalem," and to fulfill this mission attempted several crusades to Israel. In 1615, King Louis XIII ordered that Christians were forbidden to speak with Jews, upon penalty of death. Eventually, in 1683, King Louis XIV expelled the Jews from the colony of Martinique.

Focus on what you do want. Make your goal explicit. “My goal is to increase my moments of joy.” This way, every single moment of joy is a successful moment.

Celebrate each moment of joy. Be grateful every time you experience joy.

Having this goal will place your attention on joy. Instead of feeling bad when you are not joyful, you will experience positive feelings about experiencing more joy.

Each moment of joy in your entire life is experienced one moment at a time. You can’t have more than one moment of joy in any given moment, but you can increase the number of joyful moments. How? By focusing on it.

There is no person on earth so righteous, who does only good and does not sin (Ecclesiastes 7:20).

Reading the suggestions for ridding oneself of character defects, someone might say, "These are all very helpful for someone who has character defects, but I do not see anything about myself that is defective."

In the above-cited verse, Solomon states what we should all know: no one is perfect. People who cannot easily find imperfections within themselves must have a perception so grossly distorted that they may not even be aware of major defects. By analogy, if a person cannot hear anything, it is not that the whole world has become absolutely silent, but that he or she has lost all sense of hearing and may thus not be able to hear even the loudest thunder.

In his monumental work, Duties of the Heart, Rabbeinu Bachaye quotes a wise man who told his disciples, "If you do not find defects within yourself, I am afraid you have the greatest defect of all: vanity." In other words, people who see everything from an "I am great/right" perspective will of course believe that they do no wrong.

When people can see no faults in themselves, it is generally because they feel so inadequate that the awareness of any personal defects would be devastating. Ironically, vanity is a defense against low self-esteem. If we accept ourselves as fallible human beings and also have a sense of self-worth, we can become even better than we are.

Today I shall...

be aware that if I do not find things within myself to correct, it may be because I am threatened by such discoveries.

With stories and insights,
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