People, people, people. You are getting older. Every second that passes is another second away from your birth and closer to your death and that's okay. This is happening to literally every person that you will ever meet. It's a communal experience that, while maybe a little bit scary, brings us together and forces us to appreciate our lovely, fleeting little lives. Aging doesn't have to be terrible — it can be exciting and full of discovery. It can make you strong. It can be graceful and dignified. Do you know what's not dignified? Paying a woman to repeatedly slap you in the face to beat the wrinkles out. Yes, this is a thing now.

Tata, a Thai massage therapist based in San Francisco, has begun charging clients a cool $350 (cash only) for her to give them a good face slapping. The procedure, which her website promises is "1 million percent safe," promises to "lessen wrinkles," "make your skin firmer" and make you "so beautiful that your beauty will charm everyone." While there are lots of "massage parlors" where you can pay a woman to slap you in the face, Tata is fairly legit — she is one of 10 people in the world trained as a licensed face slapper and is the only one operating in the Western Hemisphere. That said, there's no proof that this shit actually works.

Before you book your trip to San Francisco, consider this: Don't. Just don't. Don't pay someone to slap you in the face to feel younger. Don't go under the knife to get your skin stretched back. Don't pay a doctor to shoot chemicals in your face to get rid of thought lines. Thoughts are good! You want to look like you have thoughts. If you're still interested, give me $350 and I will be happy to slap some sense into you.