Sitting on the throne, but tightly coiled while in the grip of sweaty, white-knuckled intestinal distress.

Judd: How was your weekend?

Dirk: Oh dude, you don't wanna know. I went to a stag Friday night and I think the sausage in the sausage and peppers wasn't cooked all the way through. Spent most of the rest of the weekend in the fecal position.