INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

BULLY FOR YOU NEWS: “I’m against bullying, but I’m getting damn tired of it being used as a mantra for everything, and the ills of the world. When all most people just have to grow a pair, and stick up for them damn selves.” So says the Juneor of Porterville, California, where, evidently, even the females are encouraged to sport male genitalia. Sounds like the Juneor needs to grow a brain.

EDUMACATIONAL NEWS: A Connecticut college dropout was arrested after admitting to calling in two bomb threats to keep her family from learning she had quit Quinnipiac University. She made the threats after arriving at the graduation ceremony in a cap and gown with her mother, who did not know she had dropped out. She “panicked” when relatives noticed her name was not on the list of graduates. One has to assume her major wasn’t criminology.

THE TORTOISE WITH NO HARE NEWS: When a gate to a home’s yard in Rio Rancho, New Mexico was left open, an 80-pound pet tortoise made a mad dash to freedom. Animal Control found Spike, the tortoise, a half-mile from home. Rumors were are Rio Rancho that Spike was in search of a hare to race. After all, it is car and horse racing season around the country. It’s also golf season, but everyone knows tortoises make terrible golfers, spending hours trying to climb out of the sand traps (bunkers to purists).

MORE EDUMACATIONAL NEWS: Barry Goldwater High School’s 2014 error-filled yearbook is getting some laughs from students but mostly criticism. Students had to order the yearbooks in advance at at cost of nearly $70. In years past, the yearbook staff from this school has received awards for its efforts. The Phoenix, Arizona school’s signature annual record contained misprints, incorrect dates, and capitalization errors. One senior’s photo was printed with a quote over her face. The cover was even printed with the wrong year and volume number. Education budget anyone?