Tuesday, December 15, 2009

I need a giggle lately. I really do. So, as I've done before, I'm sending you over to Goldfish today. Because if you thought a Valium Salt Lick was a good idea, you're going to love her ideas for holiday gifties.

Also, I'm doing my first-ever giveaway on this site, in honor of the notion of Whimsical, Wacky, Whack-job Gifts.

Here's how you enter: Just leave a comment telling me a brilliant idea you have for a holiday gift--one that would make your life or your job or your day a little easier. In the spirit of the Valium Salt Lick, I will choose my favorite entry and that person will win......haha. I ain't a-gonna tell you yet.

I thought and thought and kept coming back to one idea: a delicious, no calories, no sugar, loaded with vitamins, shortbread cookie.

Why a shortbread cookie? I became addicted to them in the hospital after I gave birth to my newest one. I can't seem to get enough of them. Unfortunately for my pants (and heart), they are made with lard. Or something equally unhealthy.

So, if I could have a box (or how about a year supply?) of guilt-free shortbread cookies I would be in heaven.

I don't need a GPS or radar tracker or iPhone. What I need is a sensor alarm for my beautiful fancy high efficiency washer/dryer doors so when my husband leaves a pen in his chef pants or my daughter leaves an oil pastel in her jeans pocket the insides of my beautiful appliances don't end up covered with skid marks. And forget about what it does to the clothes.

Hmmm...what would make my life easier...What would I like? Being slushy...I'd say my boyfriend back fixed or a new one that is even better than him next year...but that is a bit lame...erm.....erm...my own kitchen/studio to be creative in would be great...or a pug...! xxx

I need a speech filter with multiple settings other than "brutal honesty" for dealing with students. Something that can take my offhanded remarks and rework them into something more socially acceptable at the touch of a button:

Oh there are a lot of good ideas here... I would like a magic wand, just for December, so that just by a tap of that wand, I could have all of my Christmas baking done, with another tap I would have all my Christmas cards done, including the crafts and wallhangings my mother wanted made. Tap and the stores are clear for me to shop at my leisure (with fully sticke shelves). Tap and my in-laws are busy with other things so they can't bother me. Tap and oh... am I asking too much?

I would like to "poof" find myself on a white sand beach sipping a tequila cosmo, miraculously tan and thin in a bikini, with a handsome islander giving me a foot massage. Oh and enough cash to stay there for at least two weeks!

For Christmas I would like invisible ear inserts that, when worn, would dub all the insensitive/annoying things in-laws say with a selection of custom-programmable replacement phrases. Should come stocked with suggestions for those who need some inspiration. For example, "Why, [insert name of wearer], how do you keep yourself in such fantastic shape, even at this time of year?" Dub function should immediately kick in whenever ear inserts detect the sound of in-laws' voices.

Hmmmmmmmm... what would I like. How about a blocking device that makes it so I can't hear these people at work who think I'm the copy girl just because I work in the same room as the copy machine. They throw off my concentration each time.

Awww man! I missed the deadline. Well, that's ok. I wouldn't be able to beat some of these really great gift ideas...remote for the in-laws, IV for Diet Coke (although make mine the real (hard) stuff), a change to get my 18 yr. old body back? (Heck, I'll take my 30 yr. old body back - I ain't picky)

I want a food theft device for home and work. My homemade breads (ok I cheat, bread machine made) are surely part of a county trafficking ring, and if I put so much as a morsel of a cookie on the counter, it's gone in 0.0002 sec. Leaving notes of ownership doesn't work. Leaving threats to break fingers doesn't work. My theft device has to do double duty: discourage theft and ruin the product if touched. If I can't eat it, no one can.

I want something as small as a price sticker to put ON the food that can only be removed with one handy dandy contraption that's kept in a secure secret location. Dept stores attach those ink thingies to coats and jeans to discourage theft, and the stores keep the removal thingy chained to the counters. My food theft device could have an expiration date from weeks ago or could have a diet "no calories!" label. Warnings of mold and styrofoam taste *should* keep unwelcome munchers 10 ft away, but if the food is touched without properly removing the device within 0.0002 sec, a lovely skunk smell wafts from the device, stinking up both the thief and my precious food (oh well, it was a goner anyway). The awful smell allows me to track the thief too, it's CSI: FoodTheft. jc

(I love Harker's filter. I lack a filter between mouth and brain. Because of that, I need an Easy Button for inserting foot in mouth.)

Missed the deadline, but oh well. I would like more hours in the day. About five more. So I could blog, write chapters, be a decent wife and mom, go to the gym, and party from time to time. Seriously, five more. Please. Pretty please.

Damn-missed the deadline. Here's mine. Remember that terrible show in the 80s about an alien girl that could stop time by putting her fingers together? That's what I want. The ability to stop time. So, I could capture beautiful moments with my kids, run around and get everything on my list completed, sleep... whatever may float my boat that day. Yeah, come on santa, I've been pretty good... what do you say?

Missed it too, hey I'm a couple hours ahead of you! You are getting my idea anyway :) Speaking of The Jetson's I would love to have Rosie the maid, as long as she could mix up an excellent Margarita along with her housecleaning and cooking (or at least decide what to have for dinner)

Ok, I know this is a shameless push for my site, but I already wrote what I wanted. I want a fucking restroom. How sad is that. Seriously, or some sort of stank blocker for the restroom at work. Help a brother out.