Joke of the day

Every man needs a go-to joke.

Monday

Joke
N°
1209

Top 20 Signs That You've1. Your dog leaves you.
2. You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.
3. You can read and follow all the names on the cast list that scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie.
4. People say, "If it weren't for your super reflexes in your eyes and fingers, you would have been classified as a vegetable!"
5. You dream in "text."
6. Being called a Newbie is a "major" insult.
7. There is absolutely no interesting chat in any room and you're really bored.
8. You don't want to leave the computer in case you miss something.
9. You double click your TV remote.
10. You can now type over 70 wpm.
11. You think about starting a 12-step recovery group for AOL junkies.
12. You are on the phone a minute and need to do something else, so you say "BRB" or "BBL."
13. You check your e-mail and forget you have real mail a.k.a. snail mail.
14. You go into withdrawal during dinner.
15. You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room.
16. You stop speaking in full sentences.
17. You have gone into an unstaffed tech support room and ended up "giving" tech support to other AOLers.
18. You have to be pried from your computer by the "Jaws of Life."
19. You know what a "snert" is.
20. You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to check your mail and while there you "just wanted to see who was online." Karin E.

Tuesday

Joke
N°
1210

Little Tommy
A stranger was seated next to little Tommy on a plane, when the stranger turned to Tommy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about politics? Should we keep Bush or elect Kerry?"
"Okay," said Little Tommy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff! Yet, a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well then," said Little Tommy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss who should run the country when you don't know crap?" Ian H.

Wednesday

Joke
N°
1211

Cajun Coaches
The high school coaches in Terrebonne Parish, Louisiana went to a coaches' retreat. To save money, they had to room together. No one wanted to room with Coach Boudreaux because he snores so badly. The coaches decided that it wouldn't be fair to make one of them to stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
Coach Fontenot slept with him and he came to breakfast the next morning, hair a mess, eyes all bloodshot. The coaches asked, "Man, what happened to you?"
He said, "Man, that Boudreaux snores so loud, I couldn't sleep all night."
The next night, it was coach Guidry's turn. In the morning, the same thing happened -- his hair was all messed up and his eyes were all bloodshot. The other coaches asked, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, no, that Boudreaux shook the roof. I couldn't sleep all night."
The third night, it was coach Breaux's turn. The following morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning, y'all!"
They couldn't believe it. They asked him, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we were getting ready for bed, so I went and tucked Boudreaux into bed and kissed him goodnight. He ended up watching me all night long." Michael O'Rourke

Thursday

Joke
N°
1212

Life's Reflections1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is: no pain, no pain.
3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
5. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
6. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
7. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
8. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are okay, then it must be you.
9. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
10. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too." Marco R.

Friday

Joke
N°
1213

How To Identify Where A Driver Is From

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago.

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York.

One hand on wheel, one finger and head out window, cursing, cutting across all lanes of traffic: Philly.

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston.

One hand on wheel, one hand on non-fat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, with gun in lap: L.A.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, and both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in backseat: Italy.

One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle.

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing a McDonald's bag out the window: Texas.

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with left blinker on: Florida.

One hand on wheel, the other holding a cell phone, driving 130 mph and four feet from your bumper, late for happy hour, while flashing headlights to tell you to get the hell out of the way: Washington, D.C., Beltway. Trevor R.

Saturday

Joke
N°
1214

For Women Only
A group of girlfriends go on vacation and they see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have five floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside."
So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are sensitive and kind." The friends laugh and without hesitation, move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads, "All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally treat women badly." This wasn't going to do, so the friends move up to the third floor, where the sign reads, "All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of women."
This was good, but there were still two more floors.
On the fourth floor, the sign was perfect. "All the men here have perfect builds, are sensitive and attentive to women, are perfect lovers, and are single, rich and straight."
The women seem pleased but they decide that they would rather see what the fifth floor has to offer before they settle for the fourth.
When they reach the fifth floor, there is a sign that reads, "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that it is impossible to please a woman." Alex R.

Sunday

Joke
N°
1215

Losin' It
A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm room bed after having sex. The guy lies on his side of the bed and rests. The girl rolls to her side of the bed and says to herself, I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin.
The guy overhears her talking to herself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"
"Well," the girl explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the man I love to lose my virginity."
Astounded, the guy replies, "So you really love me?"
"Oh God no!" the girl says, "I just got sick of waiting." Jerome F.