Thursday, July 29, 2010

As if I was in Half-Life 2. Flying headcrabs, living tablefan, and.. uhm yeah, I even met JD (not Jack Daniel, but Jedidiah) Wong from that band Pop Shuvit, with three eyes. Three fucking eyes, scared the shit out of me. Why JD? I don't know. Even the trees and surroundings were exactly as the game was.

And the coolest part, I went to a drive-thru ATM machine. I never bump into any of them in KL or Malaysia so far (but a colleague of mine told me there's one Stan Chart drive-thru ATM somewhere Lebuh Ampang).

Shit, I am cool.

We need loadsa drive-thru ATMs here in Malaysia, especially in KL. Or in major towns. More.

Think about it. With those stations, we all can save time and perhaps parking space, too.

We have enough fast-food drive thrus all over the country, why can't we invest on something else? Something more useful and beneficial? I think we had enough of shopping malls. We need more ATMs. Car wash booths. And ooh yes, traffic lights. As in, WORKING traffic light.

Man, with these kind of dreams, I think I'll be a good mayor. Cool beans.

Oh yeah. Meanwhile, I got few friends buzzing me about my previous entry. They felt as if they were the SUBJECTS.

Well - as a disclaimer (I think I should post this as a header later) - THIS IS MY PANDORA. My Arcane Sanctuary. And I am the Pandemonium. Pande-MOE-nium, get it? The capital. My fucking world. I got to say what I got to say. I'm having my own stand up session here. And if it's not to your liking, go and kill yourself. Fly a kite. Spank a monkey. Go listen to your tweepop.

"Dude, what's a pandemonium?". Look it up. Or shall I say, Google it up.

I don't care. I iz what I iz.

"Siapa makan cili." Definitely. I got my own list, and if your name's not in it, it's not my baking fault. Blame yourself for being such a douche.

Yeah, I know, I'm not that old for some of you. Perhaps, it's just the beginning. Of what, I iz the don the very very sure.

When I was a kid, I used to think that magic is real. Tho I had never single-handedly experienced it till now, I was convinced by my own subliminal me, that it does exist. Someday, somehow.

Of course, at one point, you gave up. The walls starts to shrink you in. You're cornered. Trapped within your own square.

Fuck magic. Fuck happiness. Fuck life. Fuck love. Fuck everything.

GROW THE FUCK UP.

Well, yes. For some reason, epiphany is the only answer. The only salvation. The greatest gift from God, ever.

You waste your life for unforseen things. You waste your time and effort trying to convince a person of how much you love her. Where in the end, which is certain as death, that you'll end up nothing. You make mistakes. You REPEAT mistakes. You please others instead of yourself.

"Pukimakkkk. So what is left for me thennnnnnn??"

I've learnt thru pain and flames, that the true happiness comes from you yourself, within you, not from the others. The real magic, is actually you.

It does exist, people. Eureka.

And in time, you'll learn on how to shut yourself. To avoid things. To say "No thanks, go wipe yourself". To resist temptations. To be an asshole for once. To say "FUCK YOU" to the people who wants you to be their comfort pillow when they have no one at one point, pointing you as their main source of hope, you pick them up when eventually will leave you hanging and downgraded when they're all up and surrounded by everyone.

Ohh yess, I happened to bump into these people A LOT in my whole life.

And in time, you'll learn on how to appreciate people who actually deserve your attention.

Yes, appreciation. That's the only thing you need in life, man. And money. Lots of money.

Jon Foreman told me once, "Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell".

Ah well.

I am still standing today. I've emerged from failures. I'm yet to be successful, but I'm pretty sure that one day I will be.

Because I am fucking cool and awesome. And kind. Handful. A fucking tool for everyone. Very, very effective.

Told you, I am emo. Ha-fucking-ha.

This is yet to be the greatest birthday epiphany I ever had.

For those people out there who had their wishes on my walls, I fucking love you guys. With all my heart.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

To begin with, I am kinda sick of everything that involves emotion. I can cry this out synonymously with emotion sickness. Like Silverchair's. But I just can't help it.

That's uhm.. well..

Ok ok. Back to the story.

So, yesterday, a friend of mine called me while I was about to venture myself to Neverland.

Well, technically I asked her to call me back after she sent me a text, "I need a shoulder to cry on".

Kimak, wa takde credit sangat. So I replied. "Call me".

Then, on and on we talked. Of course, mainly about her new relationship with a guy, which also happened to be one of my great friends.

The thing about her, isn't actually that twisted. She just got confused. Or moreover, she confused herself. Wondering whether the guy's really fell for her. Etc. Etc.

"MoOOOooeeee.. I'm confuseddddddddd. Is he really sincereeeeeeeeeee. I dunno what to doooooooooo", she said.

Bah.

To tell you the truth, I don't fucking know hun. In fact, no one knows. Even his closest friends. How the fuck should I know?

Yep, that guy, as far as I knew, is the nicest guy ever. He even helped me thru my hard phases several times. And speaking from a guy's perspective, I shall say, he is, indeed a semi angel. But relationship-wise? I can't tell.

But judging from the efforts he made, and the way he expressed himself (yep, I was 'forced' to read few of their messages and shit), he is, at least, trying to be one. And he's doing his best at it. He made so much effort for this girl, so much, just to convince her that he does, indeed, fell for her.

And still, she got all confused. Or moreover, doubtful.

See, that's the thing I don't understand about girls. Well, not all of them, but mostly. I can browse thru my records, and trust me, it is.

They always fell on the wrong side of the grass. Always trying to look out for a greener plain. Glitters, blinding lights on the other side of the fence. And keep on wondering why they'll end up choosing the wrong guy that turns out to be a dickless prick.

I've been there. By there, I mean THE guy.

I would pull off anything just to make this one particular girl happy, with the fact that I know, in the end, that all my efforts worth nothing. I won't gain anything. I won't get anything out of it.

Same goes with this guy. He did quite a lot tho, for this girl.

Well, DO-ers always get this. Because they do not know how to say things, unlike the SAY-ers. They don't know how to explain things. They don't do sweet talks and shit. They don't say, they do. Because, they believe, that in the end, effort wins over empty talks.

And it takes one simple thing that can kill all those hard-ass efforts in one shot - DOUBT. As in, after all he has been through, you stab him with, "I'm not sure, I just can't see it". Niceeeeee.

Another thing that really, really annoys me is the keyword 'insecurity'. Like this minah.

She kept wondering what if the relationship will stumble. What if this. What if that. If so, you might as well pull off. Don't do it.

Life is all about taking risks. And to indulge the risks.

"Awwhhh.. what happen if we fail? What happen if we this, if we that, yada yada yada? What will happen next?"

I do know a couple that has been married for DECADES, and in the end, they failed. That shows how impermanent thing is. That includes what you called love. And if you're still dipping your toes, still wondering whether you'd drown before you jump into the pond, stop it. Fuck love. Fuck feelings. Fuck everything. Why bother trying when you know that in the end, you'll end up standing in the middle of nowhere?

But yet, we keep on trying, do we?

Or else we might just as well let love dies. Oh you know better when love and respect extinct. Humanity will cease. We shall bring forth the destruction towards this dying world even faster. We might as well start killing each other. Because you cannot trust anyone.

Okay, I'm going too far I guess.

But.. yeah.. my point is, get it sorted out or die trying. OR ELSE, stay the fuck out of it and don't even think about it. At all.

So, girls, please be careful. You might lose a possibly great guy. And end up being with a dickhead for the rest of your life.

OR ELSE, I repeat, stay the fuck out of it and don't even think about it.

What a lousy crying shoulder I am. And gee, that was fast. Aku lapar gila ni.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Either way, as long as I can get myself home early without too much hassle from the traffic, that would be fan-fucking-tastic, save the parking space issues, fuel consumption, and the lateness caused by the heavy traffic.

Unsure of the reason, I had insomnia for the past few days.

Man I fucking hate insomnia. At least for now. Even though I jam a song about it on almost every week with me bandmates.

Because insomnia eventually will lead me to drift myself in unwanted thoughts. Especially this particular week. I am trying my best not to succumb to it, and as far as I'm concerned, insomnia is a major jeopardy.

But yeah, 'twas pretty hard back then, while struggling with bills and rents and shit (aku hidup bujang wei, at least aku tak nyusahkan mak bapak). It was like a blessing, having a light shone upon you from the midst of the dark clouds. Pretty cool.

NNNnnnow, the same gist reappeared. Oooh, wonder what would it be. Or when.

And still, I have two pieces of currypuff left on this table.

Whatever.

Anyway, may you have a great weekend. And PLEEASSE pray for mine as well.

To come to think about it, I have never been on the safer side of life.

Sure, probably the least time I’ve been in the circle was during my schooldays.

My first major exam was UPSR – the interchange between Primary and Secondary of Malaysian educational stage. I scored straight A’s. Hell, I didn’t even study for that, as far as I can remember. And in between Form 3 and 4, I scored 7As and 2Bs for my PMR examination, likewise UPSR, I did not put too much effort on it.

And yes, I am truly a lucky ass to score 5As 4Bs and 4Cs for my SPM altogether, with no fails – without hitting the books too hard as hard as others. I guess I never took seriously on my studies, ever. Unfortunately I did not get any offer from the local Uni (forget about overseas, my dad’s not Donald Trump). Padan muka.

Only one sunny day, when finally I received a letter from KPTM Kuantan (a so called polytechnic college, subsidiary under MARA). My mum told me that it could be a blessing in disguise, so off I went.

There, I spent three years, discovering myself. I met whole lotta people from different backgrounds. Nerds, rempits, musicians, backstabber, good people, fucktards, and great friends like Izrul, one of the coolest motherfucker I ever met. The freedom of doing things on my own.

I had some pretty rough times there, as my dad could not afford to fund me. The only rope that I can cling to was MARA study loan which, of course, not as much as other scholarships. Or my 2nd sister, Yati. Nevertheless, there were also loads of cool times with friends who were really sincere of helping each other. I still remember there was once I survived few weeks with just biscuits and plain water, before my study loan was approved.

Biscuits and plain water, yaw.

How lucky I am, still, compared to the starving kids in Uganda.

I met Ika, happened to be the girl that I was totally into. It was like the 'first'-ahem-'true' love, went for like 6 – 7 months before she went away to a richer, better guy than a lame, fucked-up, miserable me who own nothing (at that time lah).

But I guess I owed her, really. Two years of getting over losses (or simply, her) really taught me on how to become the man I am today. Two fucking years, beat that.

The biggest step I took was probably when I decided to quit my studies and pursue my career with ROTTW mag in journalism. Without having much knowledge about journalism, I paved the road slowly. It was pretty hard, really. But I never look back. I never have been on the safe side, so I might as well get on with it.

I am indeed a fast learner; I can pick up things on the fly – the only quality that I can assure of. I learned on how to multitask things. Reviews, interviews, graphic designs, photography, dealing with people in the music industry like music labels and shit.. you name it.

Then I switched to a different company, different field – IT. Doing technical supports for IT related issues and stuff. And that, also, I did single-handedly without any related certificate. I learned from scratch, till now.

You see, I’ve never been on the safe side. I’m juggling risks, every fucking day. In almost anything. I just do it. Do it, or die trying, that’s it.

I am a “DO” person, rather than a “SAY” person. I’m not good at explaining things. In fact, I am worst at that. Say, if I love a person, I rather not to tell her that I love her. Well, okay, probably at some occasions, but not all the time. But I would do things, subtle things for her. Just a matter of time whether she’ll realize it or not.

Ooh yeah, undeniably Scott Stapp is the most gay wanker ever lived. But there's something about this song that makes me felt like I am a fucking Eddie Vedder. Oh how I wish Mr. Vedder was my REAL father.

I rockkkkkk therefore I ammmmmm! Err, no, I wont do a Faizal Tahir rock pose.

And somehow this friggin song is like a blessing. A beacon of hope. A Morse code. A message. No matter how tied and shackled I am to the ground, I need to stand strong. Stay put. I need to get myself together. I gotta make that tough face.

Monday, July 12, 2010

For the first time ever, I felt content with my condition despite Izrul's Paulie did encountered few minor problems. The trick was simple - relax.

One solution towards all problems in the world. Perhaps, the only answer.

A friend of mine, a good friend of mine, texted me somewhere when I was about to sail away to the Neverland last night. As always, the boarding ship was delayed. But yeah, what else can you offer a friend in need, other than yourself? And then I told him, I got less than 10 cent to reply his text, before he decided to call me. Aight, better.

So off we went into a deep conversation, mainly about his life. About his family. About his unrequited love. About his fucked up friends.

Most of the time, I kept myself quiet. I did shove a few points, 'and then's, 'how come's, et cetera.

I'm not a certified counselor, truth to be known. But I find most people (or friends) would look out for me in time they need someone to talk to. Well, karma works - the only, least creed code that I have faith in these very days.

I've tried not to storm him with cliches like "chill dude, you need to relax, take things one by one, slow down, this will get better soon".

But I came to a point that made him stopped for a while, when I shove him a question, "In between those efforts you made for other people to keep them happy, what effort did you pull to make YOURSELF happy?".

Wow, that's kinda two way bitchhhhslap in my fffhace. I think I chipped a tooth as well. Ouch.

Then we went to few lighter subjects before we ended the convo, and he thanked me. No sweat, pal. Anything for a friend.

It took me about an hour, probably more, to restore his faith in happiness. Although, I can assure this, that I am not, indeed, happy. But at least I am content with it. Yesssssss. Contentttttt.

"The happiest people don't worry too much about whether life is fair or not, they just get on with it"- Andrew Matthews, my all time favorite bestselling motivator.

Life IS a bitch. They won't play fair, at least that's what I've learnt throughout all these tormenting years. You just need to do better to overcome the cheating. You got backstabbed by someone, eventually you'll heal. You got your money stolen, you'll gain more soon. You love someone and put a neverending effort to make her happy, she'll come around her senses one day.

Things do come around. When or where - you don't need to give a fuck. It will.

I'm just doing my part, brother. You just need to relax and drink more coffee.

"Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened by that. Happiness never decreases by being shared"- Buddha.

Friday, July 9, 2010

The lift in Flora Damansara went smoothly without having any interruption, the traffic was plain sailing, and yep, I got myself in the office - ON TIME. Err, albeit my flu and slight cold.. but never mind that, for now.

Friday, July 2, 2010

The office is unusually quiet as I am the only dude left working (read: browsing) in between empty lines of cubicles. As we (or they) are having an grrrraaaand annual dinner tonight. Parties and shits.

Naah, not my thang. It's not like I'm totally antisocial or introverted person. Introvert, yeah, I don't like to be surrounded by people, especially those who are barely even say 'Hi' or nod-and-smile at me everytime we bumped into each other. Except for a moment when one doesn't have a lighter, and fidgety for a puff. They, are going to drain my energy off faster.

I would join them, if we we're ought to share biscuits and tea during break time. But no.

I am feeling content at this moment, though today is not a productive day for me. I am currently finishing up bits of my remaining tickets/issues in my work bucket. Fuck it, you won't understand the flow anyways.

Content, yeeeeeesss. Should say that with a glorious exhale.

Like the slight feeling I get after I got out from the mosque after prayer. Yes, I do pray, thank you, tho I can assure you that I am not pious.

It's like the post feeling of a redemption.

We search for God in time of despair, looking for salvation. We repent after we had the sudden realization that we are, indeed, fucked up. Not really an honest/total repent, but at least a slight regret over things you've done.

As Muslims, we believe that God, or Allah, is merciful.

Take a look at the very first sentence of every Surahs, the Bismillah. Translation: "in the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful".

We repent over sins we've done, and yet there's a probability that we will repeat the same shit anytime soon. And we'll regret as usual, again in the end. It goes round and round to the planet rock. Until the Hour.

Because we believe, that He is Merciful, forgiving. Whether He will or not, that's entirely up to Him.

And He won't get bored forgiving, because He, is not human. He's a God. I had experienced some myself before, few convinced me that He, no matter what kind of things we throw, will forgive. And He loves us all, still. I won't question further on that.

One cannot tell, that a guy who wears a turban will grant him a gold class ticket to Heaven, unless God says so, cuz that turban dude might get himself to Hell just for abusing a cat. Nor a prostitute that went to Heaven as she gave a thirsty dog a scoup of water with her shoe, as she was looking for redemption in a desert. You cannot tell.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Eclipse is coming. Not the moon-over-sun-phenomenon, nor the Les-Paul like ESP guitar, but the movie, the third of the Twilight saga.

And few of my colleagues already made a pact to watch the screening together, before asking me whether I am free to tag along with them.

Obviously, eheh-eheh, no.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not either anti-Twilight-because-its-so-gay dude, or trying-to-be-cool-by-defying-the-common-interest. I just don't feel like watching sequels. It's like, watching TV series. I think by far the only TV series I've followed were My Name Is Earl, or at least Heroes, before I stopped at the third season, BEFORE the third season. And some odd-funny-nonstressing Japs TV series. Yes, call me Mr. Lame.

I've learned that repeating the same formulae won't get any better - like mistakes. Especially movies. Take a look at Scary Movies for instance.. and then there came Date Movie, Disaster Movie, Meet The Spartans that aren't worthy at all. Yup, am not a fan of sequels. Except few, like Lord of The Rings.

Maybe it's because I'm not a patient guy. I can't wait for things to end. Like miseries.

Wow. Easy.

Anyway, I'm waiting for Hikayat Merong Mahawanga. Finally, something to be proud of, as a Malaysian. To be honest, KRU is one of the worst local band ever to me at least (by BAND, I mean after their nostalgic early-90's Malay rap image has been scrapped off, before they went pop-ish), but their visions and ideas never fail to amaze me, especially during this dying age of local entertainment industry.