Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead (2011)

Okay, I’ve only watched three and a half minutes of Noboru Iguchi’s Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead (the same man who brought us the fantastically awesome Machine Girl) and I’m already impressed. A puking zombie has already been showcased, as well as opening credits that wouldn’t seem out of place in Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine, but certainly seem out of place in a normal horror movie. The camera’s flying through a tunnel of kaleidoscopic colors while girls eating hot dogs dance in bubbles. This isn’t strict 50s T&A though, as the girls are wearing t-shirts that outline their digestive track, which glows in time to the beat which ends at the bowels. Which is where the girl bends over and shoots a beam of light out her ass.

You’re welcome.

And I thought my blog’s high-point would be chronicling the vagina beam.

Four scenes in and there’s already been three pukes and one simulated bowel movement. I would mention here that the copy I’m watching doesn’t have English subtitles, but I’m pretty confident that I’ll be able to follow this story. It’s speaking my language.

Imagine if the van full of teens in the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre took a wrong turn and ended up in (the original) Evil Dead. All filmed with Slither’s sensibility.

There’s the martial artist heroine, Megumi (Arisa Nakamura), dressed in a Sailor Moon schoolgirl outfit, the nerd guy who’s look just screams “I’m gonna die!,” the prissy/slutty girl (who eats worms, so I might be off here), another girl who’s pretty much devoid of character, and the van driver who’s sole purpose seems to be sexually assaulting everyone. And they’re just cool with it and him.

Well you can’t blame Iguchi for being disingenuous, nor accuse him of not knowing his audience. While claiming that dining on the worm will keep her thin, we know the real reason the sexpot eats it: so she’ll be the first one to get sick. And in this movie, getting sick means diarrhea. Complete with stomach grumblings and short fart bursts. (The man knows his loose stools!) Which, when acted out, means clutching one’s stomach while bent over and crying in distress.

All serving to make one wonder, are gratuitous cleavage shots so bad if they’re leading to an outhouse with a zombie resting beneath the waste? Or is it a clever way for Iguchi to say everything that needs to be said about his production’s past, present, and future vision in just five minutes of footage?

Oh damn, got caught up in (needless) critical theory, seven scenes in and we’ve seen four people puke, two crap, and one up the (schoolgirl) skirt shot. I can only hope Iguchi can keep this bodily fluid to screen time ratio up.

I can’t understand Japanese, but I’m guessing eating a worm you just found in the innards of the fish you were gutting isn’t a good idea…

This might be the only zombie movie where the man whose finger is chewed off by a zombie is actually the red herring. Since it’s diarrhea girl who awakens the horde. I am positive, however, that this is the first zombie movie to have its undead throw feces.

I’m almost positive this is the film everyone wanted Human Centipede to be. Our mad scientist here literally beats the shit out of his pet zombie so that it spits up the infecting worm. He then feeds the worm to his assistant/daughter. (I have no real way of knowing what, or who, she is or is supposed to be. In any case, she’s a badass.) Who is then injected with the antidote which causes her to eject the worm out her rear. It’s filth-based yet still amazingly amusing.

The zombies run slow, as zombies should, but the heroes can’t run fast, because their guts are in knots. It’s a brilliant work around a (otherwise) tired convention. That is, they walk slow until the group is whittled down and Megumi and nerd boy are left the sole survivors. Then the zombies all bend over backwards, have their worm parasite burst out of their asses, and give chase double time a laBenny Hill. Just when you thought the film had hit rock bottom for scatological ingenuity, it returns with something that seems to just compound the perversity.

The final battle taking place in the skies with Megumi flying around like Supergirl riding a cloud of her own flatulence while fighting a giant, winged, ass worm. If the previous post wasn’t proof enough, words can’t really describe this film. Hell, even the stills only give you a quick glimpse into what’s happening on-screen. Put the two together and you have 90 minutes of this insanity, rolling full steam ahead, non-stop. I don’t usually overtly recommend films, but if you’ve read this far, you pretty much owe it to yourself it sit though it now.