So Many Maybes

Have you ever gotten to the point of defeat? Start to question why you even attempted in the first place? Not only have I felt this way with my job (don’t even get me started there…), but I’ve been there with trying to become a mother as well. All I’ve wanted was to bring an innocent person into this world so they could grow up to experience the good things this world has to offer (even if right now it feels like there isn’t much of it left…). It sounds simple enough to everyone. So you think it would be…

Wrong. After time and time again of trying to conceive and then getting my period every single month, it starts to form this burden…chip… or feeling of exhaustion. This eventually turns into a feeling of defeat; wanting to give up. Then the thoughts of failure swarm in: Why even continue to try? Why set us up for the disappointment and failure we know we will receive in its place? If God doesn’t think we are fit to be parents then maybe we should stop trying. Why even try?

As much as I want this and have always wanted it, I some times want to just be a human being again who enjoys life and sex because it was fun, intimate and special. Not because it would supposedly give us our dream come true. Do you know how much pressure that puts on a person? How much it drains the fun out of it?

Knowing how much we want this, may bring the next thought as a shock to you. Sometimes I just think “Let’s just forget about becoming parents altogether. We’ll just travel. Explore the world. Adopt another dog. And do this until the day we die.” I’ve always wanted to travel. Maybe this is the sign God is giving us to do just that. Lord knows, it would be easier to accomplish at this rate. Maybe that is the reason for being on this planet. Maybe to care, love and nurture a human being was not one of them, and maybe we should cut the stress out and just take the ride that life wants to really offer us instead.

Once that thought leaves though, I start to feel guilty. So much pressure. So much failure. So much disappointment. So much guilt.

Do you ever feel that way? You keep trying to catch onto your dream to make it a reality, work really hard to make it happen? But then you just let it slip away because all of those negative feelings get a hold of you and start to weigh you down like a ton of bricks strapped to your ankles and all you want is to take a deep breath and just feel lighter and happier again? Maybe if I let go, I can feel light again. Maybe, for once, take the easy way? That’s what this journey has felt like to me a lot lately. Maybe I am not meant to be a mother. Maybe I was meant to take an easier route in life. Maybe I should give up and just enjoy our time together. Maybe that is what our life is meant to be. So many maybes.