Dating Maze #383: The Boondocks

He wants me to move out of town. Will I be able to adjust?

I am a 27-year-old professional. A few months ago I met a guy who has many of the qualities I am looking for. He is smart, successful, thinks the world of me, and we are on the same page in lifestyle choices.

He has made it clear that he is ready to get engaged, but I have hesitations.

He lives a few hours away in a very rural community and I’ve lived my whole life in the city. I have never lived so far “out of town” and I'm not sure I would enjoy it. I would also have to give up my job which I enjoy, and I would probably not find another one since his town has no work in my field.

Also, I am very close to my parents and family, and always imagined living near them. It would be hard for me to only see them once every few weeks or so.

Finally, I'm not sure if my feelings for this guy are what they’re supposed to be. We have a good connection and he feels like a very good friend, but I don't get particularly excited before I see him.

I've been surprised how difficult it is for me – a smart, pretty, successful woman – to get serious dates, let alone a courtship going. I'm worried that if I let this guy go, I might not find another good one. What should I do?

Melissa

Rosie and Sherry's Answer:

Dear Melissa,

We can understand your feeling a bit overwhelmed, wondering if this man is right for you, and whether you can safely make the major life changes that marrying him will entail. We applaud your honesty. Too often, daters mistakenly assume that because someone seems right "on paper," or because they “love each other,” all the doubts and dilemmas will get resolved after marriage. Experience has shown that it doesn't work that way, because many of these unresolved issues go to the core of whether the couple is really right for each other.

Let's first look at the issue of what you should be feeling at this stage. You believe that you should have a degree of affection for him before becoming engaged, and this is absolutely true. You're not there yet, but from what you describe, it sounds like you are in a good position right now – feeling connectivity and friendship, admiring his qualities, and respecting him as a person.

You will simply need to date him longer, to give your feelings time to grow.

You need to date longer, to give your feelings time to grow.

It’s important that you take that time, even though he says that he’s ready to get engaged. It's very common for one person to reach the “point of decision” faster than the other. That's because each of us has our own timetable and mode of developing an emotional connection, and of moving through all of the conscious and unconscious aspects of this process. In our experience, the man usually feels "ready" long before the woman, and he has to be patient for her to reach the same point, according to her own internal timetable.

It's also common for the one who “isn't there yet” to worry, "How long should this take?" and "What if we continue to date, and I never get to the same point as him?" There's no single answer to this, but in our experience many people can benefit from another 1-3 months of dating to enable their feelings to develop further, or conversely to realize that the emotional component is not properly growing and that it’s better to stop.

If a relationship has potential, you need to invest time and effort to see if it develops further. There are no guarantees that it will, but that’s a sensible risk. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Dating Diet

Sometimes, daters will decide, "We can speed up the process – we'll just see each other more often." They mistake "more time" for "more dates", not realizing this will be overwhelming and will interfere with the process they need to go through.

Pay attention to the experience of being together, and the range of emotions.

That’s why we suggest what’s called a "dating diet." For the next month, see each other not more than twice a week, and limit your phone conversations to 10 minutes or so a day. When you're together, try to stay "present" in the moment. Pay attention to the experience of being together – focus on the way you're interacting and the content of your conversation, and the range of emotions you experience over the course of your time together. What sounds do you hear? What simulates your sense of smell? What looks appealing? If you have something to eat, concentrate on how the food feels in your mouth and how it tastes. How do the things you touch feel against your fingers? Try to stay with the experience you're having.

Resist the pressure to analyze every date and phone conversation to see if your feelings have gotten stronger. Doing this actually blocks those feelings from developing. When the month is over, ask yourself one question, "What's changed between us?"

Don't look for "excitement" – some people feel it, while many others develop other positive feelings like contentment or happiness. You may say that you like him more, that you sometimes missed him, or wanted to see him or talk to him longer. You may say, "I feel good/ happy/ safe/ whole with him." Each of these are signs that your feelings are growing in a positive direction. If that's the case, the process may need to continue before the feelings are strong enough to decide about marriage.

Small Town Orientation

It's also possible that once you feel more comfortable about the other issues you're grappling with, you'll be able to relax a little so that your feelings can develop more freely. Marrying this man will involve a lot of changes – moving from the familiarity of a city to the different lifestyle of a small town, no longer seeing your parents every day, and giving up a job and career you enjoy.

It sounds like what concerns you more than these changes is how well you'd make the transition – how you'll reorient yourself to the slower pace and different worldview of small town living, how you'll define yourself after you give up your career, how you will manage being less emotionally dependent on your parents. Will you develop new friendships, build a new career, discover outlets for your interests and creativity, find your place in the community? And you'll be making the biggest transition of all – building a new life with your husband.

Transitions can be easier when people prepare by understanding what may be good about them, what may be difficult, and that there are resources and ways to ably address the challenges they may encounter. For example, we encourage all engaged and newlywed couples to take advantage of the growing number of marriage education programs (either in groups or one-on-one). These foster a more realistic expectation of marriage and the different ways to adjust to living as husband and wife. You will learn tools and skills to make these adjustments, and will have someone to turn to for more guidance. This will help ensure that you experience fewer major "bumps" in the road because you can anticipate them better and have tools to deal with them.

One key way to adjust to a major life transition is to think about what will be difficult about the change, then explore the resources and ideas to address this difficulty.

You'll be giving up the city life you've always known for life in a small, rural community. What will you miss about living in the city? The fast pace, the abundance of restaurants, stores, entertainment and public transportation?

The pace of small town life may be slower, but may also be relaxing.

The pace of small town life may be slower, but it also may be relaxing. Do a little research about the availability of the things you think you'll miss when you move. Ask where people who live in this community shop, the best places to go for haircuts and manicures, and the different venues for entertainment and intellectual stimulation. You'd be surprised that you can find most of what you enjoy – exercise classes, book clubs, Jewish education, craft classes, sports teams, libraries, local orchestras, and theater groups. Chances are you won't miss out on life by being in a small town.

Relocation also means finding new friends and building a connection with a new community. At the beginning, you might feel lonely at times. Let this man know that this is one of your concerns, so he can start the introduction process – couples he knows, friends' wives, neighbors, people from his synagogue. While it's tempting for newlyweds to want to stay in their own little bubble for a while, it will be helpful for you to start cultivating friendships from the start. Arrange to meet for coffee, and begin to participate in some community activities.

One of your biggest challenges may be giving up the job you like. You may have to use your skills and training to reinvent yourself in a new career or profession. People do this more often than you think, due to all sorts of societal and technological changes. Living in Israel, we see this firsthand every day, with new immigrants who had thriving professions make 90-degree turns into new fields, or arrange to telecommute to a job in their area of expertise.

While you're exploring career options in your new community, it will be a good idea to find a part-time, productive outlet for yourself. Think about community service, re-training, Jewish learning, or a way to explore your creativity. This is a healthy way to maintain your sense of who and how valuable you are. People who relocate and have free time on their hands sometimes lose this sense because they feel purposeless. In addition, when you feel productive and creative, you won't put an unrealistic burden on your husband by expecting him to be your only source of entertainment, empathy, companionship, friendship, validation, etc.

Family Ties

Your final big adjustment will be not seeing your beloved family as often as you do now. Yet marriage involves creating a certain amount of separation between yourself and your family, particularly your parents. You and your new husband will need to create your own bond, and that means spending more time with each other and less time with your parents and siblings.

This may seem difficult for you, if you haven't fully individuated or separated from your parents. You may still live with them, see them every day, turn to them for help with decisions, and depend on them to take care of certain things for you. If that's the case, it's a good idea to start becoming less dependent now for your day-to-day needs, such as handling finances, making appointments, doing laundry, and running errands. Ask them for advice less often by gathering the information you need on your own, and when you do seek their counsel, evaluate their suggestion and make your own decision. These steps will help you become more independent, both practically and emotionally, and will ease your transition to “married woman.”

Moving some distance away from your parents may actually help this process along. Most married couples, even ones who live in the same town as their parents, do not see them daily, or even weekly. A new husband and wife, no matter how much they care about each other, need to learn to confide in each other, ask and give advice, keep each other company, feel like close friends, turn to each other for emotional support, and do nice things for each other. A couple can't grow into marriage if one or both of them continue to do all this with their parents or siblings.

By realistically anticipating what you may experience if you relocate, and understanding the different ways you can adjust to these changes, you'll be less anxious about moving forward in the relationship with the man you're dating.

You also mentioned how hard it is to find a good man, and your fear that if you let this man go, someone else may not come along. That in itself is not a compelling reason to marry someone. You need to have a strong emotional connection with the man you marry. It sounds like this current relationship has good potential, so give yourself time to allow your feelings to grow.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Questions for Rosie & Sherry can be sent to datingmaze@aish.com. Due to the large volume of questions received, they are unable to answer each one.

Rosie Einhorn (a psychotherapist) and Sherry Zimmerman (a psychotherapist and former family lawyer) are the authors of the newly-released book, Dating Smart – Navigating the Path to Marriage, published by Menucha Publishers. They are the founders of Sasson V'Simcha (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com), a non- profit organization that provides programs and services in North America, Israel, and Europe to help Jewish singles and the people who care about them.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 29

(15)
Christoph,
August 9, 2013 4:43 PM

I'd suggest a compromise

I agree with Lisa, in that is sounds like, as things stand, I too "think she's giving up to much of herself." As far as living arrangements, I'd suggest a compromise.

She's from a city. He's from the country. Why not both of them move into a new house in a suburban setting? They'd be meeting each other half-way, in a way. She could possibly keep her job by commuting, and presumably, he could do the same, just in the opposite direction.

Lastly, I'd say to her what others said, and just to talk things out with him like she did by writing in to the column.

(14)
michaltastik,
July 29, 2013 7:51 AM

City to farm?

There's a huge difference between the two. This isn't suburban, even. I can't imagine living somewhere that it's a major hassle to get a snack or something. One of the colleges I went to was in the country, but I came from the suburbs at the time. I couldn't do it now.

(13)
Hpela,
July 21, 2013 2:35 PM

Mazel tov

Sweetheart, if you listen to all the old jaded fogies below, you'll never get married. Talk to him. Tell him just what you have told us. This guy is the real deal, and he knows you are the real deal too. Do not be afraid. This is a good match. You should go for it. Do not be afraid. Everything else can be worked on. But if your not a good match, nothing can be done to fix that. Your first paragraph, and the fact that he feels like a good friend says it all. You are very, very fortunate. Congratulations!

(12)
Anonymous,
July 19, 2013 4:43 PM

If it is meant to happen it will happen

Hi Melissa,I actually moved from NY to LA for my husband and I had the same fears as you before the move. We are approaching one year in our marriage and like you I am very close to my family, had a great job in NY and loved living in Manhattan. The most important part of my decision was picturing my life in the long term. Did I meet someone I can see myself having children with?, Someone who shared the same goals and views as me? I honestly believe that I did and although marriage can be extremely difficult (especially the first year) if you find a person you love and trust I really believe you can make it work. Life will not always be convenient. Believe me, I didn't picture moving out of NY and leaving everything behind but I found the right person and the love I have for him continues to grow everyday.

My only concern with your comment is how you say " I'm worried that if I let this guy go, I might not find another good one." There is a part of you that will know this guy is a good one. It does not involve falling head over heels or butterflies every single time. It is a lot more simple than that and I believe if you have a feeling inside that this guy is the one then go with your heart. Trust me, it will be really hard at first but it will be worth it in the end.

Lisa,
July 23, 2013 10:52 AM

East coast to west coast

NY to LA is still living in a city....this girl was talking about rural! Not going o be an easy adjustment !! I think she's giving up to much of herself.....

(11)
Anonymous,
July 19, 2013 1:19 PM

Giving up

I get the feeling you are beginning to think that you had better settle because you have been unable to find what you hoped for & you are getting older. This is a very bad reason to accept someone; "it's either this or nothing." Marriage is such a huge adjustment, losing your career, lifestyle, family & friends at the same time would be overwhelming.

Why can't he be the one to move? I feel very uneasy about this.

(10)
betty,
July 19, 2013 12:56 PM

Oh please DO NOT leave your present home and job. . If he really wants to take this up seriously, he should move. Stick to your own.

Anonymous,
July 21, 2013 1:37 AM

bad advice

Sorry to tell you Betty, but I believe your advice is bad and selfish. Marriage is forever, and your partner choice is more important than a job or place will ever be. Life goes around, and you never know where you will end. What if she leaves this guy and a year from now, G'd forbid the company she works for goes under and she losses her job and can't find another for a few years? Or say she marries this guy, lives in the city, have kids and then they decide that a rural area is better for the kids anyways??. Whichever it is, the most important decision in your life is your choice of spouse. the rest is secondary. My life dream was to live in Brasil. I declined 3 good American boys because I didn't want to leave in NYC. Guess what? I ended up marrying a Brazilian, lived in Brazil for only a year and then he got transferred. guess where?? to New York City!!!! where I must say, I lived very happy because I was living with the right person for me. It was hard to live without my family, but better with a good spouse away from your family than with the wrong one, next to them. Eventually, (20 yrs later) we moved back next to my parents. ..
nothing is permanent, specially for us Jews.

(9)
Anonymous,
July 19, 2013 10:05 AM

Talk to him

Darling, it is a wonder if you can think straight with the cacophony of advice. Talk to him, tell him how you feel. He loves you.

(8)
Hpela,
July 19, 2013 9:45 AM

You'll know....

Dear Melissa,
I just read some of the comments responding to your letter. Darling, talk to him. Be honest with him like you were with us. Don't be afraid. This is someone you are going to spend the rest of your life with.

betty,
July 20, 2013 9:36 PM

Not necessarily Hopela. Not if she has to give up on what she already has. Jobs, family, friends are for keeps. Men come and go, so why uproot yourself ?. Maybe after a few years it will all end and she will have given up everything for what ??

Hpela,
July 21, 2013 2:15 PM

Hi Betty

If you have ever married, certainly you must remember how it was, no? Your spouse becomes your world. Everything else is secondary and can be worked out. This man loves her. It is only natural for her to be afraid. And how many people in the past have married to marry, not knowing the person too well but having enough in common to give it a go. I think this one is a match. And before you get your drouthers up Betty, this is just my opinion, but I do believe this is a match and this young lady will be very happy. She will be opening up a nrw chapter in her life. Blank pages for her to write a new chapter with her husband. Smile, the young girl is trying to get married, don't you see?

(7)
Jethro,
July 18, 2013 5:04 PM

Why should she be the one to move?

I agree with Deena. The facts presented give no valid reason why she should be the one to move. Which one of them has a better job? What would his job prospects be in the city? Does he have some compelling reason (like aging and infirm parents) tying him to the small town? What kind of Jewish community exists in the small town? Do the people in the small town have political/ethical beliefs (e.g. Christian fundamentalist) which the young lady might find unacceptable? These kinds of practical questions should be explored BEFORE she spends more time on this relationship, BEFORE she becomes more emotionally involved, etc.

Anonymous,
July 19, 2013 6:31 AM

I agree with you totally

I think you should break it off. I don't think you could be happy with him....too many major differences which will only get worse after marriage. Be HONEST with yourself and have faith that the right on right one will come along. Sounds like you're over anxious due to pressure to marry from your family. NOT the reason to pretend major differences away.

Hpela,
July 19, 2013 9:57 AM

but...

"she loves him....and he loves her."

Anonymous,
July 21, 2013 2:53 PM

Woa, woa, woa...

Oy vey, we're not in a court room here. Why would any young girl writing to us for advice be looking for discouragement? Haven't you ever been in love before? Has it been that long that you don't remember the jitters? Would you really be looking for people to discourage you? No. No. No. Don't you get it? Sometimes people, and in this case a young bride to be, who would naturally be afraid, sometimes people just need shoring up, a little reassurance. Don't you get that? Or are you too jaded and hard hearted to see that? I think this guy's a gem, and she is a gem too, and knows it. The first words you should have typed should have been Mazel tov. So, if you have one ounce of heart left, how about a mazel tov to this young lady and her future husband.

(6)
Anonymous,
July 18, 2013 4:58 PM

Dear Melissa,
You will make a decision, one way or the other; either you will make conscious, purposeful decisions; or, through indecisiveness, let the decisions be made for you.
What I don't see written here is that you love him. I also don't see written here is what he is really offering to you if you give up everything that is meaningful to you, that helps you define yourself.
Let's say he wants to get engaged, get married, and have children (and I wouldn't assume this, I would ask him). You have to ask yourself is this what you want too; with him, and at the expense of potential giving up everything that is meaningful to you. And why would he want you to give all that up just for him; you won't be the same person.
My initial reaction when I read your letter is don't second guess your second guessing. Life is short, divorce is hurtful and expenive, and if there are children involved, it can be devastating to them. But that thinking is the easy way out.
Nice women like yourself do find it hard to find someone because they are nice because they are not into the current trends or "scenes" that some others will use to procure a husband. Marriage is surely an odd compromise: somethings decision making is 90 one persons way, 10 the other person; sometimes 50/50. It is not about who wins but about what works.
How about, while your engaged, living someplace equidistant? That way you, maybe, can keep your job, your friends, your family, and your interests? And hopefully, it will be close enough for him to do the same AND keep you too.

Anonymous,
July 19, 2013 10:21 AM

she's just afraid

She is just afraid.

(5)
TMay,
July 17, 2013 8:22 PM

suggestions

The woman appears to be overlooking the internet. Now people can live in rural areas and be "plugged-in". Often they can do work from home. Maybe she could discuss with her employer if there was a way she could work from her new home, further down the line when she anticipates getting married. She can check in with her employer in person as often as she is presently dating this man. Or she can work for herself as an entrepreneur, or online. My nephew Ryan Coonerty, and Jeremy Neuner, wrote a book called "The Rise of the Naked Economy : How to Benefit from the Changing Workplace" on the subject. She can also be plugged into the news and blogs, and her interests online, and stay intellectually interested and stimulated, and Facebook to keep up with girlfriends. I moved away from the city and appreciate the greater space, less fear of muggings, cleaner air, living in a house with a garden instead of an apartment. With the internet she can talk to her family over the computer with VOIP so that she is not talking long distance. She can use video on these calls. She can use Iheart radio online to keep listening to her favorite radio stations. The world is a much smaller world than it used to be.

Anonymous,
July 19, 2013 10:23 AM

that not what she's looking for...

...she's looking for you to tell her "It's a match!"

(4)
scott,
July 17, 2013 4:48 AM

Are you really trying?

Here's what I don't get...You say you're a smart pretty successful woman living in a big town yet the only guy you can find to marry lives in the boondocks? How does that work? When I wanted to get married I simply made it a priority and met my wife.

"Priority" means: more important than work. more important than vacations and spending time hanging out with friends. more important than tv or golf or my own pride. All of those things were nice, but I wanted a wife and children. I decided without that everything else as a waste of time. Do you really want to end up a vapid loser like a character on Seinfeld? I didn't.

First I made sure to ignore anyone who recommended "dating diets" or any other games. I was very direct with everyone-especially myself. I stopped working so much and taking vacations out of town. I started paying attention to women around me-I even placed a very honest ad on a online dating site. I told people I was in the market and accepted recommendations. Took about six months to find my wife. And I was an average looking, moderately successful guy with about six bucks in the bank...lots of potential. Married way up (just ask my wife-she'll tell you)

If finding a mate was important to you, you'd find one. It's really not hard. It involves some embarrassment as you communicate what you want to others and ask for help. It's sometimes boring as you endure getting to know people that aren't right for you. It's a little uncomfortable as it involves smiling at and making eye contact with strangers to tell people you're receptive to a conversation. It involves honesty and hard conversations as you ask people questions about themselves and answer the same and face potential rejection.

Have a problem getting excited about this guy? Either figure it out fast or dump him and move on. Seems like too much not working here to stay.

EH,
July 19, 2013 2:29 AM

really scott?

Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a good normal guy from a good normal family who shares the same values and want the same things from life?
Its not that she (or any woman) is not trying to get married, it more like its hard to find someone who wants the same things from life with the same religious values ect.
I agree with Rosie and Sherry that she needs more time to figure out the connection. Not to "figure it out fast"

hpela,
July 19, 2013 10:29 AM

well said EH

But it is also time for her to talk to him and tell him her concerns like she has told us. From what she has written, he believes she is the right one for him. She should talk to him; if he is the right one, he will understand and help her work through her concerns.

scott,
August 6, 2013 8:53 AM

Look around...there's lots of fish in the sea.

See I completely reject the premise of your argument. Look on j-date and frumster.com or even look for Jews on e-harmony. Then cruise the local shuls and JCF and JCC young adults meetings.
I did.
And what I noticed is everyone, man and woman, crying about how there was no one to date. Thousands of eligible Jews looking and no one could find anyone. Everyone standing alone in a room of a thousand people chatting with their "friends" that they won't date. Maybe if you're a Bresliner living in Omaha there might be a problem..but everyone else-they're just not looking the right way-or for the right things. BTW...I've never heard of a Bresliner not finding a spouse...I guess they're more serous about it.
I always go back to the personal ad I saw on craigslist. It was an Asian girl. all of 5'1" looking for a man over 6'. That's the real problem. She could have talked about values and whatnot...but she wanted 6'. Almost like a carnival attraction. That's her right, but is it really right for her. For anyone?
Ask this lady what shes really looking for-tall dark and handsome with a good income-maybe a dactah-or for a husband. Looks fade. Wrinkles happen. A good career today can become a disaster in five years. That 6' can become 3' on wheels when someone misses the change of a stoplight. What is she really looking for and is she really looking for it?
Every single is surrounded by people he or she discount for ridiculously superficial reasons. If you look at a guy and say he's "just a friend"...why wouldn't that be an awesome recommendation for a future husband? Married to someone you like...how terrible.
If this guy is too problematic...there are thousands more around her...if she was really serious.

(3)
Yehudith Shraga,
July 14, 2013 11:38 PM

A lot of intresting insights and many useful things to learn.

Thank you very much for your bit to bit explanation and showing us the optimal ways of thinking and decision making, very good pieces of advice and very helpful too.

(2)
deena,
July 14, 2013 6:52 PM

Why does she have to move

The issue over relocating seems glossed over. Why is he so adament (or is he? it's not clear) that she would have to move to his town? If she has a job in her current city and would not be able to find another one in his rural town, that could be a good reason to live closer to her job (unless his job is better). I don't see why the couple couldn't discuss other options like moving to a place halfway between.

(1)
Anonymous,
July 14, 2013 2:18 PM

this is not a small issue

This young lady has valid concerns. She does not mention if she is Orthodox or not, but what infrastructure is there? What is the community like? What are the schools like? Being concerned about her family does not make her too attached. What happens if her parents were to become ill and she is far away? These are not insignifcant concerns and if this guy cares about her he should be willing to consider living somewhere closer.

Alan S.,
July 15, 2013 10:26 AM

Your comment about the parents becoming ill is fair, but has to be put into perspective. This woman is 27 and likely has parents in their late 40s, early 50s. Let's hope they are healthy, and will live many decades in good health. How many years 'out' should the woman and her potential mate consider this in their factoring? Should she and he consider this as a factor? Other considerations arise, such as if she is a single child vs a child with many siblings?
These are questions that many men and women face on a daily basis. Both parties can not be rigid. Although no one can truly say how many potential marriages have been abandoned because of family concerns, you can be assured that the number is great. How often do you hear that "things were just not going to work out" ? I'll bet that concerns such as these were the cause.

Anonymous,
July 19, 2013 9:53 AM

Fiddler on the Roof

It took me a bit to perceive this folks, but she loves him, she's just afraid.

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!