Dating Advice #33 - Overcoming Fears

Something's holding her back. Before she gets married, she'll have to get to the heart of the matter.

I am ambivalent, not scared, of dating. I don't seem to get asked out much and I am probably part of the problem. Anyhow, I know eventually I want to get married and have a child. I just fear that at 33 years old my chances of meeting a "mensch" are close to nothing.

How do I overcome my fear and persevere? Any thoughts?

Mindy

Dear Mindy,

It seems that you have two fears: you are afraid of dating, and you are afraid of never getting married. Each fear should be confronted separately.

When you say that "someday" you want to marry, somehow hoping that at some point in the future you'll be "ready" for a relationship, you're unconsciously pushing off dealing with whatever issues are keeping you from moving forward with your life. As uncomfortable as it may be to confront those issues now, they will be much harder to tackle in the future. We think that now is the time for you to examine why you are afraid of marriage, and work on conquering that fear, even though this may be difficult and painful.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself to understand the reasons why you are afraid:

Is there anything in your past dating experience that has made you afraid?

Did you grow up in a difficult home situation?

Has anyone ever betrayed your trust or confidence in a way that still haunts you?

Were you ever in a promising courtship that looked as it would lead to marriage and didn't?

Have you had limited dating experiences, or never been in a healthy long-term relationship?

The answers to these questions call for soul-searching and honesty. Beware of rationalizing, or you won't be able to see the picture clearly.

If you can identify the reason you are afraid, we suggest you use a variation of a process called "desensitization" to try to work through and overcome your fearful feelings. Let's say you're afraid because you've never had a courtship and are worried about what to expect. Visualize the first few dates with an imaginary suitor. As you imagine what you might experience on each date, identify each of those elements that make you afraid. Visualize the worst things that can happen in each situation, and then think of different ways you can deal with each possibility. Imagine how you would implement the solution. This process helps many people realize they can deal with extremely uncomfortable situations without the world crashing in on them -- and that they, can, in fact, "survive" and then move on past the anxiety-producing scenario.

Once again, we suggest that any other person who truly wants to get married "someday" to deal with any obstacles to healthy dating now, rather than later. These obstacles usually do not go away on their own. If anything, the longer you live with them, the more work you require to eliminate them. In addition, the longer most women and men delay their efforts to meet, date and marry a future spouse, the more difficulty they have developing a strong relationship, and the smaller the pool of potential suitors.

This brings us to your second fear -- of finding a suitable match. The encouraging news is that there is a big population of potentially "great" men (and, for the men, there are great women) in their 30's and 40's who, like you, haven't yet gotten around to marriage. Some are just getting the idea in their heads now, others have been trying but haven't developed the right formula yet. (Marriage-oriented individuals should not date people who aren't ready for marriage.)

We suggest that you think over your definition of a "mensch," narrow it down to a few basic qualities, and look for men who seem to have most of those characteristics. It's very important for anyone in their thirties to realize three truisms that may keep you from getting to know someone who could be great for you:

Most people are "diamonds in the rough," whose true characters and good qualities won't all be visible until you've taken two, three or four dates to get to know them better. Some of these people may need some superficial polishing for you to see what gems they really are.

Everyone you meet is going to have some flaws. Partners in a healthy, loving marriage aren't blind to each other's imperfections; each person's fine qualities simply eclipse the lesser qualities. If you're dating someone who makes a mistake or says something stupid, they're being human. Give them a chance to show you the bigger picture.

There's a strong chance that you won't feel the "fireworks" we all see in movies and romance novels. A great marriage takes time to build and grow. Those that start out with a flash often burn out quickly. And if they endure, it's not because the fireworks are still burning, but because the couple was lucky enough to develop an emotionally close relationship.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Questions for Rosie & Sherry can be sent to datingmaze@aish.com. Due to the large volume of questions received, they are unable to answer each one.

Rosie Einhorn (a psychotherapist) and Sherry Zimmerman (a psychotherapist and former family lawyer) are the authors of the newly-released book, Dating Smart – Navigating the Path to Marriage, published by Menucha Publishers. They are the founders of Sasson V'Simcha (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com), a non- profit organization that provides programs and services in North America, Israel, and Europe to help Jewish singles and the people who care about them.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 5

(5)
Jennifer,
October 20, 2003 12:00 AM

There is someone for everyone

The old saying, "there is someone for everyone" is very true. When you find that special person, there will be nothing major about them that you want to change. No, things will not be perfect, but it will be easy to treat them great and love them like there is no tomorrow. There is never an excuse for settling with someone....Settling is unfair to you and your mate. Make sure without a doubt in your mind that the other person is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with and that you will love them unconditionally!! Keep God #1 in the relationship and your chances of survival are very high!

(4)
jodie hall,
November 6, 2000 12:00 AM

thank you for your advice.

(3)
Linda Brand,
October 12, 2000 12:00 AM

wonderully true and helpful

This article is great. I will printit and pass it on to some of my single friends. After reading this,I realize I am definitely afraid and NEED to work through my problems. Thanks.

(2)
Anonymous,
October 12, 2000 12:00 AM

each must read this advice

Dear Rosie & Sherry,

Thank you so much for this advice. It's REAL DECENT advice for men and women.
Each one has to read and think about htese words:Most great relationships take time to build and grow. Those that start out with a flash often burn out quickly.
I'm a great believer in... GOOD ADVICE
must change your life in a good way.

(1)
Anonymous,
October 10, 2000 12:00 AM

Where?

Where are all of these wonderful 40ish single men? The only ones I know who don't live with their mothers are gay.
Please -- an address?

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I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!