For the Glory of God!

What's the essence of my existence?

I been asking myself with that question for so long but I never get an answer simply because my existence is not for me, there's no such thing as me but there is such thing as "What's the purpose of God in creating me?"

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Remembering my Dad

When I was a child I remember someone who is always there for me. Everytime I laugh, He was there for me, When I am crying He is there tapping my shoulder telling me that everything is okay and I have nothing to worry. Whe I fail in school He is just smiling at me, telling me that he will give me some chocolates if I will pass my grades in school. When I got my medal in grade school I am very proud of it but somebody is standing near the stage of the auditorium smiling and I can see in his eyes that he is prouder than me, and proudest among the audience watching me and my mom receiving my medal of honor in school. He is no other than my dad.

August 3, a day that I can’t forget since this is the day, the special day of my father. This is the day when the Lord brought to the earth the best man that I could have in my life. This is his birthday.

Let me tell you something about him, about being a father to me and a friend. When I was a child, when I commit mistakes, I don’t remember any instances that he spank me nor he pinch me but rather he talk to me straight in the eye telling me that I was wrong, that I commit mistakes. He will bring me upstairs and then he will let me realized the mistakes that I commited by talking to me straight from the heart, of which I feel guilt and ashamed rather than pain. And after that, upon seeing my teary eyes he will just hug me and he will tell me “I’m doing it because I love you and I care for you, that’s why I corrected you”. These are the words that always come from his mouth everytime I commit mistake. During my teenage life, I know it’s normal to confide to a friend than to parents, but he is always telling me that he is open and willing to listen to me to all my problems as a teenager. But I was ashamed with them to open up who really I am, because I was confused and I am afraid. But my father manage to understand me though it’s hard for him to understand. And nothing really change about the love he have showed to us.

I am enjoying my teenage life, he sent me to the best school in our place, he give everything just to please me, he give the life that only few people were enjoying, and that’s my life. They took a boarding house for me away from them for me to realized and give importance to what we so called “Independence” and true, for me that time it is my freedom being away from them. Not realizing that my father is investing too much sweat and blood just to give me the things I want in my life. And sad to say I abused it. I chose to walk in the different direction of my life, I chose not to follow them as my parents and I chose once in my life to deny them as my parents.

I never knew, that my father is coming back and forth to the hospital when I was in my second year in high school. He don’t want me to know about the real score because he don’t want my studies to be affected by the situation. I never knew that he is dying, I never knew that I will lost him. After several times of coming in and out from the hospital, September 30 of 1995, we lost him. My mom is calling me to be home immediately because of what happen to my dad. And that’s the time I was home, but it’s too late, I did not see him talking to me anymore, he can’t hear me anymore, no more hugs from him everytime tears will fall from my eyes, and no one will say that everything is okay while tapping my shoulder. I was not able to say that I love him, he did not hear it from me before he left us behind. It’s too late for me…

During the wake of my father, when I was sleeping in my room alone, I saw him in my dream and I ask him “Why you’re here?” and he replied “You don’t want to see me anymore, don’t you?” and without even knowing, the tears start to fall from my eyes and he get closer to me hugging and telling me “I’m here just to say good bye, I’m sorry if I did not wait you to be home before I left, just remember always that though I’m far away, you are always here with me (pointing his heart)” and he added “Just take care of your mom and your little siblings coz I have to go now…I will always love you”. Those were the words of my dad before he fades in my dreams. And those were tha last words I hear from him. And I have realized that even death can not stop him of telling us how much he loves us.

To my dad, wherever you are now, we did not see you for almost thirteen years, we been missing you so much, and though it’s too late to say that we love you, that we care for you, and though you are far away from us but you are always here in our heart for the rest of our lives. Thank you is not enough to give you back to all the things you’ve given to us.