WASHINGTON, July 8, 2017 — If the media are to be believed, Agent Orange just had a very public meeting with his very secret Russian handler, Vladimir Putin.

It occurred before the assembled world press covering the G-20 economic summit in Hamburg, Germany. President Trump attending his first such confab since “winning” the U.S. presidency last November.

President Donald Trump at the G-20 summit in Hamburg, Germany.

The mainstream media had anticipated the summit with bated breath, hoping to propel the “nothing burger” of a fake-news story that says Trump (Agent Orange) colluded with Russia to deprive Americans the privilege of being ruled by Hillary Clinton.

And so, agents of the Fourth Estate studied every hand gesture, every glint of the eye, every possible meaning hidden in the dance-like micro-movements of the U.S. and Russian presidents while in close proximity to one another.

In short, their body language provided definitive evidence that Trump is Putin’s White House spy.

“Body language expert” Patti Wood told Time magazine,

“If you look at that handshake, Trump does something that is different than many other handshakes I’ve seen him do with other world leaders … more palm-up, more in supplication, which is again unusual.”

The Manchester Guardian’s John Crace observed,

“Donald was perched on the edge of his chair, trying to appear in control though just looking a bit needy. Vlad sat back in his, determined to make little or no eye contact. He wanted to make the American president sweat and he was succeeding. There was no doubt who was the boss now.”

The lone dissenter among the experts was Judi James, who scored the Trump/Putin meet-and-greet for the New York Post as if it were a prize fight, saying, “I would have awarded a points victory to Trump.” James assured those scoring at home that our pugilist president was “dominant.”

If all this sounds a bit absurd, that’s because it is.

The press has been taking a much-deserved beating lately over their laughably skewed coverage of the object of their cold disdain. But the president is clearly, to use a word he often employs, “winning.”

It has nothing to do with ideology. After all, Trump is America’s first post-partisan president, hated equally by leading congressional Democrats and Republicans as he is by Rosie O’Donnell and the editorial board of the New York Times.

The anger centers on Trump’s control of the nation’s narrative. And it is not because he uses social media. After all, President Obama also tweeted to undermine his less nimble GOP opponents.

Rather, it is Trump’s refusal to have his words and actions micromanaged by a press that continues to see itself as a kingmaker. If the media are consumed with visions of Putin pulling the strings of a Trump marionette, it’s because their sock puppet Hillary Clinton lost to a brash, politically incorrect blusterer who only cares what his voting supporters and not the press think.

When CNN’s White House correspondent Jim Acosta recently attempted to interrupt a press colleague’s question to presidential spokesman Sean Spicer, the latter reminded Acosta there was no need to grandstand.

CNN White House corespondent Jim Acosta.

“There’s no camera on, Jim,” said Spicer.

That sudden realization triggered in Acosta what was clearly a panic attack.

Spicer continued his attempt to address the other reporter’s question, “Jen, I’m sorry that you have to … Jen, go ahead.”

“Why don’t we turn the cameras on?” Acosta interrupted once again, his voice rising in volume and pitch. “Why not turn the cameras on, Sean? They’re in the room. The lights are on. Why are the cameras off, Sean? Why don’t you turn them on? Can you just give us an answer to that?” Can you tell us why you turned the cameras off? Why are they off, Sean?”

Jim Acosta is a living embodiment of old, blubbering media in the throes of a sad and deepening dementia. Like Acosta, they’re oblivious to how their antics repel more and more Americans, who tune them out whether the lights are on and the cameras are rolling.

You can read the desperation brought on by their growing irrelevance in the body language of their news anchors and correspondents, for the trifling few among you still watching.