A transsexual woman explains Kelly Osbourne's Twitter freak-out: Luke was in love with a woman with a penis. Rob Pattinson calls his own naked image "very pretty." Diddy hits the sauce. Monday gossip is full of surprises.

"REPORT: Kelly Osbourne's Ex Cheated On Her With Transsexual." Does this explain Kelly's hastily-deleted tweet accusing former fiance Luke Worrall of "fucking hundreds of girls as well as men behind my back"? Apparently a 21-year-old lass named Elle Schneider—who, a couple surgeries and intensive hormone treatments ago was a boy named Reynaldo Gonzalez—has come forward as one of Luke's mistresses, and is making mad cash on the British tabloid circuit. Elle currently has breasts and a penis: "I was open with Luke that I was born a boy. He didn't mind. In fact it turned him more. […] It was only when I took my clothes off he saw I had a penis. He wasn't fazed by it—he was very complimentary." Afterwards, Elle says she and Luke swapped sexy messages and Luke "said he loved me and wanted us to live together." Then Kelly and Elle got in touch (on Christmas day?) and it turned into a John Tucker Must Die situation, with both women concluding that Luke was a dog, and Kelly going on a Twitter rampage. A very thrilling, completely unverified story. Enjoy your 15 minutes, Elle. [Radar, Mirror, image via Pacific Coast News]

It's the morning after the Golden Globes, so you must be wondering: Was host Ricky Gervais too nasty? Hah! Just kidding! All you care about are red carpet nipple slips, but here's Popeater's answer to that question anyway: "Yes, Ricky Gervais Was Too Nasty at the Golden Globes." You're not supposed to call Tom Cruise gay to his face, only behind his back and on blogs. Even Robert Downey Jr. was pissed: "Aside from the fact that it's been hugely mean-spirited with mildly sinister undertones, I'd say the vibe of the show has been pretty good so far, wouldn't you?" ZING. Golden Globes 2011: The year famous people blogged, with their mouths. [Popeater]

Speaking of Golden Globes surprises, why, oh why, oh why did Sparkles McFangtooth Pattinson have red hair last night? "It's a different color in Twilight than it is in Water for Elephants so I had to do a kind of rush dye job on it," he explained. Quit ruining Wildmane McSexington's hair, Hollywood. He must be a vampire forever. [AH]

Speaking of Heartthrob McBloodbreath, here's the first still image from Twilight: Breaking Dawn, featuring Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart getting naked and making vampire babies. When Pasty McPantystealer saw the image, he said, "Very pretty." Knows his strengths, that one. [E!, AH]

Sandra Bullock says "Ryan Reynolds is not my lovah. He's an amazing friend for 10 years… but I don't get his loving after dark." Don't worry, all the world will insist on pitting her against Scarlett Johansson anyway, especially since they wore vaguely similar dresses last night. [People, Us]

Diddy requires his dressing rooms to be stocked with applesauce, probably so he can maintain his image by "hitting the sauce" without actually breaking out of his nightly routine of Scrabble and made-for-TV movies on the Lifetime network. [Gatecrasher]

A mid-divorce Eva Longoria channels her emotional turmoil on Twitter: "When you are at the end of your rope, tie a knot on the end and hang on! Much needed advice right now for me!!!" Not since Kelly Osbourne's anti-Luke Twitter rampage has an exclamation point contained such angst. [@EvaLongoria]