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Topic: Asking a "Neighbor" about their primary place of residence (Read 13432 times)

We purchased a home in a very highly sought after school district. We chose to spend more on a house than paying the tuition of a private school. Due to the success between a prestigous Ivy league university and the local elementary school, there are not enough spots for all the district's kindergarten-aged students. As a result, parents line up outside the school prior to registration day. This past January, parents began lining up 4 days prior to registration.

It is come to my attention that a "neighbor" will be sending her kid to this kindergarten. However, she does not primarily reside in the school district. She lives elsewhere but uses a mail drop inside the school district. I know how to deal with this legally and through the school channels. Should I also ask the neighbor to stop it? I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who knows this information. Ultimately, I don't care if she knows I reported her to the district.

Is it relevant that her kid's enrollment does not affect my child at the moment? However, in 2 years when my child is ready for kindergarten, so will be her second child. She cannot afford to live in the neighborhood either now or in the foreseeable future, unless she wins the lottery.

Why do you need to contact her at all? If someone is breaking a regulation and you feel you need to report it, for whatever reason, do it. I don't think going to her as well does anything other than give you an "Aha! I caught you!" moment if you are planning on reporting her regardless of whether you tell her you know. It'd be another thing if you wanted to give her an opportunity to withdraw voluntarily so that her future chances wouldn't be affected, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

Why do you need to contact her at all? If someone is breaking a regulation and you feel you need to report it, for whatever reason, do it. I don't think going to her as well does anything other than give you an "Aha! I caught you!" moment if you are planning on reporting her regardless of whether you tell her you know. It'd be another thing if you wanted to give her an opportunity to withdraw voluntarily so that her future chances wouldn't be affected, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

POD to this. If you're willing and able to pursue it through legal/official channels, go ahead and do that. I don't see a reason to also confront her personally about it, especially as you say you don't care if she knows who reported her. (My answer might be different if you were concerned about her reaction to you personally if she found out.)

Why do you need to contact her at all? If someone is breaking a regulation and you feel you need to report it, for whatever reason, do it. I don't think going to her as well does anything other than give you an "Aha! I caught you!" moment if you are planning on reporting her regardless of whether you tell her you know. It'd be another thing if you wanted to give her an opportunity to withdraw voluntarily so that her future chances wouldn't be affected, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

Exactly - why do I need to contact her? (This is why I posed my question as "Should I *also* ask the neighbor to stop it?) Is there some sort of etiquette rule or common courtesy that requires me to tell her in addition to pursuing the other avenues? None come to mind but I could be wrong about this.

Why do you need to contact her at all? If someone is breaking a regulation and you feel you need to report it, for whatever reason, do it. I don't think going to her as well does anything other than give you an "Aha! I caught you!" moment if you are planning on reporting her regardless of whether you tell her you know. It'd be another thing if you wanted to give her an opportunity to withdraw voluntarily so that her future chances wouldn't be affected, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

Exactly - why do I need to contact her? (This is why I posed my question as "Should I *also* ask the neighbor to stop it?) Is there some sort of etiquette rule or common courtesy that requires me to tell her in addition to pursuing the other avenues? None come to mind but I could be wrong about this.

My response was to indicate that I couldn't think of any possible reason why you should contact her, unless you were giving her an opportunity to fix the situation herself - which you had already stated that you did not intend to do.

If you have a friendly relationship with someone, and know they are doing something wrong, and feel morally obligated to report them in order to stop them hurting someone (the example comes to mind of a cheating spouse with an std), I would think the best thing to do is to warn the offender, "I know what you are doing, so do other people, and if you don't rectify this in x time, I will tell on you."

I would only think that applies if you have some kind of friendship ties to the offender. If the offender is not someone you have been friends with, and you intend to report them regardless, I don't see any obligation to issue a warning. And in this case, since many people know and the offender seems not to care, it likely woudn't do any good anyway.

I agree that the swipe about the offenders socioeconomic status was unneccessary, and makes this sound more like a snobbery thing, than about protecting the interests of the children in the district.

She cannot afford to live in the neighborhood either now or in the foreseeable future, unless she wins the lottery.

I don't see how you would have any way of knowing this. Sounds to me like there is more to this, and imo something other than school zoning prompted this comment and your obvious dislike and resentment of the woman.

She cannot afford to live in the neighborhood either now or in the foreseeable future, unless she wins the lottery.

Was that last bit necessary? Her financial background really has no relevance on the issue right now. It also sounds stuck up.

It was said to avoid any speculation in this thread discussion that her finances may change in the future which would allow her to live in the area. just like my situation may change in the future requiring me to move out.

edited-and i do know her finances will not support the high price of housing and increasing rental rates. Prices keep increasing and her income has plateaued.

I agree, I think you have no obligation to contact her in this situation.

Again, if you wanted to give her the chance to fix it first; or you were concerned about her reaction to you and wanted to mitigate it or explain yourself somehow, that would be different.

I assume this isn't really someone you see/talk to a lot? I guess it might be a bit dodgy if, say, you saw her every morning and chatted pleasantly for several minutes, knowing all the while that you were reporting her for something, and she might find out you reported her, and you never mentioned that to her. Kind of like what EllenS said.

How did you find this out? If it's just a suspicion (hearsay or you made an inference), I'd leave it alone. I agree with NyaChan that trying to confront her will accomplish nothing good.

If you think a number of people know what she is doing, it makes little sense that none of them have reported it, especially in such an excellent (and full) school district. Are you absolutely sure about this?

If her older child gets a place at the school and then she 'moves' out of district, will her younger child get a place (possibly above an 'in district' child) due to the siblings rule? Some schools have a sibling at the school as a higher reason to get a place than where they live

edited-and i do know her finances will not support the high price of housing and increasing rental rates. Prices keep increasing and her income has plateaued.

See, this makes it sound like you know this person better than it first appeared. Obviously this is not a stranger.

In any event, if you are going to make some kind of formal complaint to the authorities for illegal or fraudulent behavior (and a woman in the Northeast recently got a jail sentence and lost her kids over this), it is incumbent on you to NOT pretend you are her friend or use a false face of friendship to get information on her. If you are reporting someone as a criminal, then they deserve the cut direct.

She cannot afford to live in the neighborhood either now or in the foreseeable future, unless she wins the lottery.

Was that last bit necessary? Her financial background really has no relevance on the issue right now. It also sounds stuck up.

It was said to avoid any speculation in this thread discussion that her finances may change in the future which would allow her to live in the area. just like my situation may change in the future requiring me to move out.

edited-and i do know her finances will not support the high price of housing and increasing rental rates. Prices keep increasing and her income has plateaued.

How do you know so much about this person's finances, or even that she is using this mail=drop scheme? Is this a personal relationshp that you have with her, or a professional one? (Do you have access to her finances through your job?)