Friday, April 29, 2011

Someone Talked About Writing

A shopping bag of mixed feelings. If I were putting together a recipe of some kind, I'd be an Italian-style pad-Thai with Belgian chocolate infusions. Yep. I am really excited to get to 'be an artist' this weekend and next week, but another part of me has been eaten up by job 'troubles,' ie feeling like the perfect scenario just won't come, and in being disappointed with what I am doing. Now that I have physically expressed that, I am ashamed to even have been thinking it. I KNOW that what I am doing is awesome and amazing, yet somehow it does not stop me from comparing myself. I don't think this is a 'just me' sort of thing, I think it is a human thing, but that does not put a wrench in how inevitably un-helpful and and pointless it is. Yet, we do it. Why? Shouldn't your best standard of comparison be your own dreams?

I think I am realizing that a part of this is that I may be letting the dreams of others stand in where I would put my own. I have a lot of things that interest me and I am ultimately very excited about the world, but I am not sure I have a good definition of some precise or even ballpark dreams. My wide array of interests and desires always keeps me from focusing in. Now, I know I am capable of going the exact opposite way and charting an exact, by-the-year pathway of what I am going to do and how I am going to do it (yes been there, done that), but I know now that doesn't work either. It is the extreme opposite end.

I think there must be a great deal of skill in knowing your achievable (yet still shooting-high) dreams and encouraging their development while letting the rest take care of itself. That is where the grey area is; up to what point can you encourage development before you are an obsessed meddler who cannot enjoy their own life? I think this also begs questions of 'what is enjoy?' I think a lot of people see enjoyment as 'free time,' or time away from what they are doing on a regular basis. I do not want my enjoyment to be 'time away.' What I enjoy most is usually related to my overall goals. But here; because these goals are 'serious,' is it then harder to release into plain enjoyment? Who knows.

I know a perfect balance won't just show up when you snap your fingers. In fact, it will never show up. That's the thing. This idea of perfection. This thought certainly isn't new (which ones are?), but just a reminder to myself and anyone else who may find it valuable that perfection is non-existent, and that it not sad, it's awesome. It keeps us striving for more. Yet, in order for that awesomeness to accepted, I think it needs to come along with a certain amount of ability to be content.

What I really cannot figure out is why what people around me are doing seems ok or even awesome to me when I am doing similar or even more, yet for me it's not enough? Maybe I see what they are doing as enough because they are content with where they are, and that really does come across. I want that contentment. What brings this contentment to the lives of my friends? Do they KNOW that they are doing everything that can to get to where they want, and are comfortable with letting progress happen as it does, are they hiding that they are not completely content? I cannot figure this out.

It seems that I am afraid that if I allow in contentment, I also allow in room for slowing down or stagnating. Maybe so. But how worth it is it really to barrel forward if you cannot enjoy what you accomplish along the way?

I feel like a write an iteration of this same post every three or four months. I just keep coming back to this. A good reminder that some stances do not figure themselves out over the course of a couple months?

I think a good place to leave this is that my awareness of the tendencies discussed above is a good place to start. General concept of psychology? Maybe. True and probably helpful? Yes.