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Tuesday, November 29, 2011

feelings.

I have been thinking and writing and feeling a lot lately. I've been sitting with a couple of feelings that I haven't known whether to consider as helpful or unhelpful. But, that's what I needed to do with them. Just sit and feel. Think it through. Write out what I was feeling. It's made moving forward a lot easier.

I have found that when I feel something too intensely (which is often) I either try to distract myself from it, or I drown it in whatever is currently available - sugar, food, sometimes alcohol. Not very healthy. I have been much better over the past year or so, but I have replaced these 'drowning' behaviours with reading. I love reading, and it's definitely a good distraction to have, but it doesn't make the feeling go away. It just comes back later. Usually stronger than before.

I feel things intensely. I don't know if this is different from other people, but sometimes I feel like I'm sitting with an emotion that threatens to take me over. It's so powerful that I just don't have the capacity to feel anything else. And, as may be obvious, that's hard to handle.

That's why writing has become so important to me. Lately I'm even writing a journal. I take that feeling and I put it on paper -and then I feel a little bit of it be released, or worked into something more constructive. Or even a tiny sweet solution presents itself. And that gives me back some sense of control.

And these feelings I'm sitting with right now? They are beginning to resolve themselves. And some of them really just go back to my own feelings of being inadequate. Which I'm working on still. It's hard for me to believe that I would be useful to anyone in any form. But now that I'm getting healthier... maybe. Obviously needs more feeling, thinking, and writing! :)