Sex Advice From Los Campesinos!

The adorable indie-pop band tackles our problems.

U.K.-based indie-pop heroes Los Campesinos! recently asked us to contribute to their new zine, Heat Rash, a quarterly fanzine and music bundle, including exclusive writing, artwork, music, and more besides. We're fans, so we engineered a trade. Check out Heat Rash while you wait for Los Campesinos!'s third album, scheduled to arrive later this year.

Rob Campesinos!, 27

I'm a fan of a musician, and I want to sleep with him after a show. What can I do to make that happen?
Try approaching the sound guy at the rear of the venue during the gig. Best-case scenario, he might be able to give you a backstage pass, and if all else fails you could just cop off with him while the band's loading out. He probably earns more money anyway.

I play guitar in a band, and the girl I am dating absolutely hates our music — she won't listen to our recordings and always gets to our concerts after we're done playing. Is this okay, or should I dump her?
I make a point of only dating women who despise my music, so that I know they're in it for me, "the guy," rather than me, "the globetrotting indie A-lister." The truth is, unless you're Jeff Buckley or O-Town, women aren't ever going to like your music, so my suggestion is just live with it. At least she turns up to your shows. Maybe she just keeps turning up late because she's an idiot. Did you ever think of that?

On the song "Who Fell Asleep In," you describe having sex behind the back row of pews in a church. Would you recommend the church as a venue for sex?
I wouldn't recommend it, especially during a service such as a christening, where the action happens at the rear. If you really want to spice things up, try somewhere like onstage at the London Palladium, or during a house fire.

My current boyfriend and his ex-girlfriend post YouTube videos on each other's Facebook walls constantly — and not just funny cat videos, but music videos, some of them even for love songs. How worried should I be?
You need to get that guy in a headlock and repeatedly ram his stupid mullet through the cheap dividing walls in his nasty little duplex. Nobody likes the searing emotional pain of severing ties with an ex — this guy probably gets a warm fuzzy feeling from posting vids of Harry Nilsson warbling his guts out — but it's not fair on you. Is he in a relationship with you or his ex? Or Harry Nilsson? You probably need to ditch the douche.

My girlfriend has a journal of private poetry that she refuses to show me, but it would be pretty easy for me to read it without her knowing. Should I do it, and feel guilty, or stay oblivious and feel anxious?
Whatever you do, do not open that journal, my friend. First, journals are sacred testing grounds for ideas, and no one should have to censor themselves for fear of someone reading it. Second, you're almost guaranteed to read something horrible that you'll never be able to eradicate from your memory. Third, and most importantly, your girlfriend's poetry is terrible. How will you ever look her in the eye after reading her inept attempt at an erotic villanelle about Zach Braff? Stay away.

How long do I have to date a guy before I make him shave off his terrible beard?
He's probably laboring under the misapprehension that all women totally dig facial hair. Probably comes from the time in high school when he was dumped for a thirty-two-year-old mechanic with a mustache, wrongly identifying the hallowed lip brow as the catalyst, rather than that fucker's access to his parents' Nissan and mind-altering hallucinogenics. So just tell him he looks more handsome sans-beard, and pray that he's not covering up a birthmark.

In "Plan A" you sing that "Every girl I ever kissed I was thinking of a pro footballer." Is it okay to fantasize about celebrities during sex, or is it a sign that it's time to break things off?
It's just symptomatic of the times we live in. We live in a celebrity-obsessed universe. I often think of myself when I'm having sex. It's totally fine.

Your last LP was a "breakup album." What's the best way to get over a difficult breakup?
Step one: make a record about it. Step two: get drunk for a year. Step three: eventually get back together with your ex, only this time both filled with hate and suspicion. Step four: Break up again, but this time it'll seem easier and more logical — a relief, even. Mission accomplished.

Ellen Campesinos!, 26

Your last album was called Romance is Boring. Why is romance boring?
Well, it's boring if it's motivated by too many teen dramas and too much self-interest — someone doing what they think they ought to be doing — but when it's carried out with sincerity it makes the world feel very small and wonderful.

Your first EP starts, "When you play pass the parcel/ With human body parts/ Yeah, someone might get head/ But someone will get hurt." Let's say you're playing pass the parcel and someone gets hurt. What is proper etiquette if you injure your partner's member during a hookup?First, check for visible wounds or gushing blood, and then apologize profusely, and if they're still whining, quip that now they know what childbirth feels like. If they point out that you don't even know what childbirth feels like, offer to make them a cup of tea.

I'm a fan of a musician and I want to sleep with her after a show. What can I do to make that happen?Be neither a try-hard creep nor a smarmy so-and-so. Just be yourself, and don't under any circumstances use the chat-up line "I play [your instrument] too!" I don't care. Unless you're really hot.

I play guitar in a band, and the girl I am dating absolutely hates our music — she won't listen to our recordings and always gets to our concerts after we're done playing. Is this okay, or should I dump her?
I would question her lack of support for something you're passionate about. You would support her. Or maybe you wouldn't. I don't know you. You could be a dick and your music could be awful.

On the song "Who Fell Asleep In," you describe having sex behind the back row of pews in a church. Would you recommend the church as a venue for sex?
I went to an all-girls Catholic school, so having sex at the back of a church would be a truly awesome double-whammy for me. I would be rebelling against God and my childhood. I would recommend it, but only during a less busy service. Maybe just under-the-Bible fondling.

In "Plan A" you sing that "Every girl I ever kissed I was thinking of a pro footballer." Is it okay to fantasize about celebrities during sex, or is it a sign that it's time to break things off?
I think it's fine to let your mind wander to celebrities during the parts of sex where you can't see the other person clearly — for example, oral — but during the main act, if you find yourself constantly thinking of Michael Fassbender to reach climax, you are definitely in trouble.

What is the ideal balance of post-coital and post-rock?Listening to Mogwai whilst having a cigarette in bed.

Your last LP was a "breakup album." What's the best way to get over a difficult breakup?
I am the last person you should be asking this. I spent the first month after a breakup telling everyone how totally fine I was. It was ridiculous. I just wanted to hear how well I seemed to be doing so I could tell myself that I wasn't completely devastated. I tried to avoid the people who would question my "I am totally fine" act, and I ended up feeling very sad and alone. I would therefore recommend doing the opposite of that. Talk about it, be honest, and let people know you need distractions and love and attention and pity sex until you're back on your feet.

The track list for Romance Is Boring contained references to Oklahoma and Missouri, and you've toured all over the States. What's the most romantic place in America for a young couple in love to go visit?
I think Marfa, Texas is quite romantic, mainly because it's a great place to go star-watching. If you wanted to surprise your lover, you could always buy them a star before the trip and then point it out under the moonlight… but then they would point out how lame you are and that you stole the idea from an episode of Party of Five. I would also recommend the Mutter Museum in Philadelphia — not so much romantic, but really cool. They have John Wilkes Booth's thorax.

Gareth Campesinos!, 25

Why is romance boring?
It's not. It's boring in the same way I say iPads are shit — because I want an iPad but can't afford one.

I'm a fan of a musician, and I want to sleep with him after a show. What can I do to make that happen?
Now, this is a toughie. I'm a big fan of super-hot babes, but a massive turn-off is seeing a super-hot babe enjoy the music I make. Keep your distance during the show, try not to be seen, and make your approach once the rock concert is over. Don't talk about the band. Ideally you should make the band member think you're thinking, "Sure, it's great that you've written some songs that I like, but the main reason I want to fuck you is because you're extremely handsome and seem like a wonderful person and a great lover." And that's how you can fuck me.

I play guitar in a band, and the girl I am dating absolutely hates our music — she won't listen to our recordings and always gets to our concerts after we're done playing. Is this okay, or should I dump her?
Nah, that's fine. I mean, obviously, it'd be great if she appreciated what you do, and she should feign an interest, just like you do when she talks about her periods and shit, but she's not obliged to actually like it.

On the song "Who Fell Asleep In," you describe having sex behind the back row of pews in a church. Would you recommend the church as a venue for sex?
Yeah. For a red-hot atheist like myself, the feeling of flesh against flesh while being smited by hellfire and brimstone and securing your eternal damnation is a massive turn-on.

My current boyfriend and his ex-girlfriend post YouTube videos on each other's Facebook walls constantly — and not just funny cat videos, but music videos, some of them even for love songs. How worried should I be?
Your main worry should be that your boyfriend's the kind of person that communicates with people through Facebook wall posts. I guess this could be a front for all the illicit, sexy DMs they share, but if he's the sort of fellow that likes funny cat videos, he's probably not got the balls for that sort of stuff. Babe, call me?

My girlfriend has a journal of private poetry that she refuses to show me, but it would be pretty easy for me to read it without her knowing. Should I do it, and feel guilty, or stay oblivious and feel anxious?
There's a reason it's private. This could be that it's full of all her deepest feelings and darkest secrets and she uses it as a kind of therapy and emotional cleansing. More likely, it's private because she knows it's not very good. I don't reckon you should read it. I mean, do you really want to know about the sub-Daria prose that your girlfriend cries out of her fingertips?

The track list for Romance Is Boring contained references to Oklahoma and Missouri, and you've toured all over the States. What's the most romantic place in America for a young couple in love to go visit?
Sadly, although we've been all over the States, we get to see very little beyond its highways and venues. Having said that, The Bottletree Cafe in Birmington, Alabama has a caravan out back with a mattress in it and a lock on the door. Fairly certain it has a TV and a Super Nintendo in it too, so you could do worse than take your honey there.

How long do I have to date a guy before I make him shave off his terrible beard?
I don't have a beard. Call me.