I'm really very sorry.

August 28, 2016August 28, 2016

My apology for not correctly soaking the Chia seeds

Dearest friend, every time I apologise I feel like I can commit no more severe transgressions. That my failures in our friendship have reached their peak and I can do nothing more to fracture our relationship. Yet every time I am surprised my my own terrible behaviour. Like a small crouton rising grimly from the surface of a thick soup, I am guilty of constant, crunchy error.

I am sorry I did not correctly soak the Chia seeds. I know this is the simplest task you could have given me, and you only gave it to me because you trust me. With your life and your seeds. Trust me, I have the same unwavering faith in you. If I was of the type to regularly consume seeds I would put all the care and maintenance of those seeds in your strong hands. I would leave my seeds with you if I ever went to a fancy dinner party where one was not permitted to bring seeds or where they placed seeds in a different room to play with all the other seeds. You trusted me and I broke your trust, I am sorry.

The thing is that Chia seeds are simple and unassuming. They lie meekly on the counter, and ask for nothing. I walked past them and wondered what soaking Chia seeds would do? Does it cause them to germinate? Creating a Chia? What is a chia? A legendary unlock able character from the new street fighter video game, a WWE glamour wrestler? Or does it simply become a soppy soaking seed? All these questions plagued me and I rushed to write them in my notebook as you know I am wont to do.

I reached for my notebook and I considered the possibilities. Then I realised that I did not know this simple thing about Chia seeds that you so obviously did. I felt shame in my being. How could I walk around and pretend to be an adult when I did not know where to purchase Chia seeds, how to soak them, how to eat and most importantly why a person would do all those things. I collapsed on the floor, unable to cope with my environs. I must admit that I went through a whole whirlwind of emotions, my inward directed anger turned and gradually threw itself outward. I must admit I felt a small pulse of anger at you, for knowing about these seeds and their benefits and never telling me. For growing older and becoming responsible while leaving me behind. I was almost enraged.

You know when I am almost enraged I make large 6 foot by 6 foot charcoal portraits of my rage and slowly mop them up with a damp t-shirt. I spent the next couple of hours doing this. I tried not to get carried away but I suppose I was dancing around them, chanting in tongues I was not aware of. A gust of wind blew and knocked all my paintings to the floor. Rather than despair I looked around and saw what could not be a coincidence. There, plain as day was a message in all my paintings. A thick arrow of charcoal pointing straight to the bowl containing the Chia seeds.

I rushed to grab the bowl and place it on the floor. Terrible winds began to blow, howling and circling my apartment. I looked to see that the seeds had begun to glow red and pulsate. I tried to pick up the bowl but it was scalding to the touch and I felt like it weighed as much as a thick iron beam.

It is finally time.

I screamed as I heard the terrifying baritone. I could not locate the source of the sound, it seemed to come from everywhere. I staggered back against the wall and saw something growing from the bowl of Chia seeds. Something terrible, piece by piece it assembled itself and gazed at me with its terrible countenance.

A demon almost ten feet tall, its eyes blazing embers it held a staff with several tongues-human tongues-dangling from it. I fell to the floor crying, I did not want to die. Not in the least in this way that I couldn’t completely understand. That’s when I heard it say-

Master.

I opened my eyes to see the demon kneeling in front of me, it’s staff lowered to the floor. “Why do you call me that?” I asked it.

Because you are my master. I am the demon Borgoroth, servant from the seed. Here to do thy bidding.

I noticed a pentagram glowing bright and red on its head as I got to my feet. “But why? Why am I your master?”

Because you did not soak the seeds of my being. You allowed me to exist. Now Borgoroth is to do your bidding. To cut off a thousand heads and hack rivers of warm blood for thine sake my master.

“Umm..ok. So I don’t really need the head hacking or the rivers of blood…but could you find out what my girlfriend is doing right now?” I asked. I must admit it was not my proudest moment, but it is not every day that one has a demon to serve it and I had been feeling quite insecure lately. I’m not really the kind of guy who’ll act jealous or possessive so using a trans-dimensional demon to do my bidding seemed to be the only way out.

Borgoroth hesitated for a second.

Um. You don’t want a mountain of heads laid at your feet?

“No, just this would be super great.” I said.

Isn’t that is an invasion of privacy.

“You just offered to lay a mountain of heads at my feet” I told Borgoroth. I stood in the corner and sulked until Borogoroth agreed. He somehow rolled his ember red eyes and opened up a swirling chasm, a red mountain, a maelstrom, tearing the very fabric of reality to look into my girlfriend’s bedroom.

She’s sitting at home.

My friend I hope this is enough to convince you why I have not soaked your Chia seeds correctly. Did you know that if you don’t soak Chia seeds overnight, a demon God that will do your bidding emerges from them? Isn’t that crazy?

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