John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

It's normal for dying people — and their caretakers — to get cranky from time to time. (Published 12/13/16)

Q:

My father died several months ago. He had been sick for about a year with dementia and heart disease. As his dementia progressed, he became more and more difficult. My mom, at times, was pretty nasty to him because she didn't understand what was happening and why he wouldn't bathe, or why he made messes in his pants and on the floor. For a year, she washed his wet sheets, cleaned up his messes and hounded him to bathe. She is now having a difficult time with the nasty words she said to him. How do I help her?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Linda,

Thanks for your note and question.

Although it might be obvious, people forget that dying people and/or people with difficult conditions, can be cranky and sometimes downright ornery; and the people who tend to them can react to those moods and deeds with strong emotions of their own.

That is not to say that we are excusing or condoning what your mom may have said or done in her frustration at his actions and attitudes, but more to say that her reactions at the time were well within the range of normal — in an abnormal situation.

For her to hold her own feet to the fire for being human in her reactions is patently unfair to her.

If I were to talk to her, I would probably ask her, “Did you ever consciously plan to harm him in any way?” And I’m pretty sure her answer would be “NO!”

If guilt implies intent to harm, your mom certainly wouldn’t be “guilty” of anything other than trying her best, under diabolical circumstances, to take care of the man who we assume had been her spouse for many, many years.

If he were alive, she could apologize. But since he has died, her apology would have to be indirect.

But apologies are only one piece of the puzzle. She also needs to forgive him (still indirectly) for the mayhem he caused – even though it really wasn’t him anymore.

It may be difficult for your mom to understand the idea of these apologies and forgiveness on their own. Please get her a copy ofThe Grief Recovery Handbook. We hope she’ll read the whole book and take the actions it outlines. If she’s not willing to do that, direct her to the sections on Apologies and Forgiveness from pages 136 to 140.

Oh, before you give her the book, read it yourself. We never recommend you give a book like ours if you haven’t read it, as it will seem to her that you’re saying she needs help. So after you the book, give it to her with this statement, “Mom, here’s a book that I’ve read and found to be very helpful for me. I thought you might really get some benefit from it also.”