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As the pilot of a recession white BMW, I think I’ll regurgitate the resolution I made when I bought the damn thing and clean it once in a wheel. Seems to have a particularly mucky arse at the moment. Disgusting.

….i am going to attempt to register a 2003 Mitsubishi Shogun Pinin, in France. I believe this resolution may actually take the whole of 2015, a lot of paper, some fist shaking, wine drinking and swearing.

Gotta make a diesel Accord last another year! 2005 model, and only 96k on the clock so should be ok but Feb’s gonna be expensive – 4*tyres, 4*discs and pads, MoT, and road tax. Ouch. Planning to acquire something else next year, something more exciting I think, and probably petrol-engined. Quite fancy a classic, but not sure I could cope with the loss of reliability!

Whenever the next version of a sports/super/hyper car is announced such as the GT3RS, next Ferrari/Lambo/etc, I’ll be the first to post “No manual? Not interested.” Or perhaps “More like autotragic,” or “Ferrari just cost themselves a sale.”

The other would be to replace my 2.5 Golf manual with a Golf R if I could afford to move out of my parents house.

To continue the charade (which so far has worked) I have going with my wife which has convinced her that replacing my diesel Jag XF with an E55 is actually saving us money, because it cost less to buy than I sold the Jag for and we use it less thanks to my new job.

This is a complete lie – I think the only way it would cost less would be if I only used it twice a year, but so far she hasn´t twigged. Unfortunately I may get rumbled soon, as fairly shortly it will require new brakes and tyres.

I may attempt to change my Passat brake discs myself in a vain attempt at saving money, which will instead probably be spent on Elastoplast, antiseptic cream and painkillers. I will also continue to curse the day I sold my Alfa 156.

On that note, I will also continue to curse the day I sold said Jag XF. The novelty aspect of a big V8 wore off pretty quickly and I now miss such sensible things as good ride quality, a modern stereo and sat nav, heated steering wheel and the ability to drive in the rain without slithering everywhere sideways regardless of whether I´m trying to or not. Just don´t tell my wife…

I will not slash the tires of that Land Rover that blocks my drive every day. I WILL NOT! And i definitely won’t key it either, no way. Nor will I beat all of the windows in with a cricket bat, nuh uh. And I DEFINITELY WILL NOT take a dump in the air filter.

If I make it to tomorrow without doing all of this I will be surprised

I will continue trying to convince every diesel car driver I meet that they’re mugs who’ve been taken in by the completely made-up eco-hype, their cars are awful and they should get one with a real engine. Morons.

I will also continue training to run away faster from shouting diesel drivers trying to kill me.

I should actually get around to replacing my Alfa 156 that I bought as a two month stop gap two and a half years ago…
It now has 150k on the clock, drives well, doesn’t use any oil, doesn’t eat tyres, pretty easy on the go juice, most electrics work and it isn’t rusty underneath – BUT it does seem to consume vast quantities of cash somehow; not sure why…
Think I’ll get a Skoda, that should cure me.

In the daytime: To deliberately collide with white/grey/silver cars driving in poor visibility without lights because “it saves the bulbs”.

In the nightime: To deliberately collide with any vehicle that has apparently strapped several supernovae in place of headlights, rendering me blind and sun-burned much like that nice Mr Dreyfuss in Close Encounters.

While in nick: Compile a Venn diagram that exposes drivers who fall into both of the above categories then plan to hunt them for sport when I get out.

Might actually spend some money on the 93 poverty edition – get an aux in, mudflaps, better alloys, a little bootlid spoiler perhaps. Might go full out and fit facelift rear lights too, if I can work out how to get a reflector in.