Emotional roller-coaster of love and lust

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The full moon draws a kind of a melancholic madness from my soul. I long for something that has no name.

Before, I would shy away from it. Pack it in a closet and try to lock the door. Now I embrace it and let it take me where it wants to.

Tonight I’m mesmerized by its beauty. A satellite in the sky…

I believe it has a lot to do with the amount of water in our bodies and maybe the water in our bodies are subjected to a mini tide…and when the moon is full, we are more vulnerable to the pull of the moon. Or maybe I’m just crazy…I’ve been told that before 🙂

I know 2017 has already started in some parts of the world, but for me it’s still 7 hours away. I’m not going out tonight, in fact I’ve started to enjoy my own company. I listen to my audio books, play games on my xbox (yes, I’m a gamer chick), watch a movie or go for long walks. I love walks enveloped by fog. Makes the world seem mysterious and exciting. Adventure waiting around every bend. It’s the things I don’t see coming, good or bad, that injects my life with surprises!

And off course, I love writing on my blog. It’s liberating to have a release. To put thoughts on paper and share them. The thoughts I tend to struggle with and that I want to pour out of me, are the negative ones. Hence why my blog can appear to be centered around hurt, pain, unhappiness.

Now, looking back at 2016 it’s almost too easy to get caught up in the negative happenings this year. I’m an optimist by nature, a glass half full kind of person. I’ve been called many bad things this year, by one person in particular, This one person was my lifeline at times, but also the biggest trigger that pushed me into a dark depression again; not once but twice this year.

As an only child, I’m extremely independent and also a bit of a perfectionist. I am my biggest critic. I have spent many hours trying to understand how I let the events of this year affect me in such a myriad of ways. How my emotions became so unstable, like a small little sailboat, in the middle of the ocean, with no way of fighting the storms and winds that hit me. Yes, the sun shone and there were peace at times, but the storm always returned.

Looking inside with the help of meditation and desperate to find answers, I looked at my timeline and realised that I was a ticking bomb that exploded in 2016.

1987 – 1992 high school. I was bullied and very much a loner. I was content though. I would much rather read than go out. I devoured books. Any topic, fiction, non-fiction. I had and still have such a wide range of interests. I had many dreams and decided to study medicine.

1993 – 1997 university. My dreams of becoming a doctor didn’t work out. I discovered freedom and the social joys of being a student. Far away from home where nobody knew me; I could be myself without any pre-existing opinions and judgments from my fellow students. I studied microbiology instead.

The turning point came when I was raped. A large part of my hopes and dreams of meeting a special man and having a happily married life and children, changed that day. I had only discovered boys shortly before I was raped. I had my first kiss when I was 19.

In 1996 I met my first husband, two years after my rape. I fell in love. It happened fast. So quick. I thought, this is it. I wanted to be loved and he definitely obliged. He was a gentle man. For a year or two everything was great. It was a long distance relationship.

1998 – 2004 My first husband proposed in 1999 when we finally started living in the same town. At this point I had started working already and was a manager with a lot of potential to climb even higher on the corporate ladder. I ended up in finance as work in microbiology was scarce at that point in time. My then fiance, was freshly out of university. We had grown at different speeds and in different ways. My intuition told me that we were no longer that perfect match I thought we were, but I kept ignoring it. My body must have tried to warn me too as I started having panic attacks. Pretty severe ones. For no apparent reason. I thought the rape was well behind me. I was embarking on a new life. I was doing very well career wise. What is causing this?

We were married in 2000 and divorced in 2001. I was on anti depressants. I had also met someone at work that I was very attracted to. So I went straight from a failed marriage into an affair. It was very physical. Not a lot of emotional ties there. Not a lot in common. I guess in hindsight, your typical rebound. I was having fun I thought.

2006 – 2015 baby years. In 2006 I fell pregnant and we decided to get married. I was three months pregnant when I said “I do” for the second time. High on pregnancy hormones and dreams of a little baby, I was happy. I never thought I could get pregnant. Then the birth. It was like being raped again. The way I was physically hurt, it hurt me in almost exactly the same way I was hurt before. Nothing could prepare me for this. How was I to know that childbirth would rewind my body back to the darkest period of my life.

It took about a month for my maternal instinct to kick in. I was too hurt and scared. But when it did, I was right as rain, I thought. The next 8 years was dedicated to my daughter. I gave her all my love, attention, time, energy. My husband did the same. We drifted apart. We hardly spent any time alone. We were exhausted. We lost each other. We couldn’t have sex. We had so little in common, apart from our daughter, that “conversations” were either disagreements or sitting next to each other on our phones.

At the end of 2015 I remembered that I was a person. I had needs. So many. I neglected my emotional needs to the point where I didn’t even know I had emotions or desires. I didn’t know who I was. All I knew was that I was more than just a mother

I can’t believe there are only three days left of 2016! Wow, it feels like just yesterday the world was getting ready for the turn of the century. I was at a beach party new years eve 1999. I’ll never forget that night. The excitement..the year 2000!

Have you ever noticed some of the references made in the past, be it music or movies, with regards to the future? For example the date that Marty McFly travels to in the future. Never has a date been photo shopped so many times. First it was 21 Oct 2012, then 2013, then 2014 , 2015 & 2016. The year was in fact 2015. And the things that he sees in the future? Self tying shoe laces & hoverboards. Flying cars…I wish.

How about 2001: A Space Odyssey. Wow they had a manned spacecraft travelling to Jupiter.

The song 2525 – we are a long way away from that date.

I wonder how long this earth will survive. There are probably a number of people that has already calculated this. What I know is that small things can have a huge impact. The honey bee for example. If it were to die out, it will have major implications on our world. That’s just one insect. Melting of polar caps, rising sea levels, pollution, over population, super viruses. And then there is the hate in the world. Hate can destroy. Even on a micro level it destroys friendships, families, people. On a macro scale there are countries with weapons of mass destruction, be it nuclear or biological. And we know there is hate between countries based on religion, culture, wealth. It’s so sad.

Hate is complicated. Love is simple. Compassion is becoming a commodity that few possess. Respect. Do we truly respect each other anymore?

It’s not easy taking responsibility for your actions. Especially when you know you acted out of anger or sadness. It’s not easy finding out that someone you love and care about, betrayed you in the worst way. I feel ashamed and embarrassed that I let someone treat me this way. Allowing it, because I didn’t think I deserved better. There is no excuse. No matter the lies and deceit, I don’t want to stoop to that level again.

Newness. There is always a new blank page ahead. Today, the present. The present IS a present! The one we get to open every morning when we wake up.

I realised today that living in the present is the only way. Experiencing the now, and finding the happiness in it. Mundane tasks like cleaning the house becomes a joy 🙂

There is always a way out. I felt trapped, but I always had a choice. It was just a hard one to make. When it comes to difficult decisions, I know I’m capable of making them. It’s time I start believing in myself again and forget about the self doubt and disrespect that was planted there by another over a period of time. I am not what others call me or think of me. I know who I am. I know my heart. I know my intentions.

This week I have lots planned. I’m excited and looking forward to exploring and discovering new places & faces. Life is a gift.

To all my friends reading my blog, thank you for being there for me the last two weeks. I reached out to you in my time of need and you didn’t let me down. My true friends stood by me. I’m so lucky to have you in my life. Love you.

You won’t live a victorious life if you’re always reliving what didn’t work out, who hurt you or the mistakes you’ve made. The reason it’s called the past is because it’s done, it’s over, it’s history. Now do your part and let it go

I received this quote this morning from a family member and I realised that once again I stand at a junction. One where I can choose to continue as I have been, or choose to let go and go another direction, leaving the road behind me, behind me. Letting it go.

It’s not an easy thing to do. Not by any means. But I guess this brings to mind another quote – “Change happens when the pain of staying the same, is greater than the pain of change”

I’m therefore grateful for this junction. It’s not a dead end. I have options. I am not stuck on a one way or a highway of desolation. I can change direction. I can choose another way.

Me…My name starts with an I. I am I. Unselfish, ever caring and understanding. Broken yes. By circumstances. By that which I can’t control. Maybe the secret is in my initial. I am the only one that can make I better. I run out of courage, but then I find it again. I lose hope, then I find it again. Up and down. I has a problem. Where do I start to fix it? Or maybe it’s not about fixing at all. Not about looking or hoping. Not about searching and questioning. I’ve come to know it’s not about any of these things. None of these things will make a difference. These are all on the outside.

Inside the fire is still burning. Inside the change will come. Inside the acceptance lies. Inside the hurt is. Inside the healing must be.