Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Fashion can be lightly defined as a current popular style or practice, especially in clothing, foot wear, or accessories. So unless gray sweatpants have become a current popular style, then please, don’t wear them as if they are. In all honesty, I don’t think wearing them can ever be defined as any type of fashion statement. Its the persona of an athlete so to speak, to believe that they’re superior to others in the sense that they don’t have to dress unto a standard. Now, don’t get me wrong, I understand sweat pants in the house, at the gym and on lengthy roadtrips, but when one struts their stuff for the remainder of the day, that’s more or less pathetic. But but but, I just got done with practice; sorry, that’s not an excuse! What tickles my humor buds are those who feel accomplished by wearing a pair of jeans, congratulations, you’re like the rest of the world!

The following are reasons in which sweatpants are entirely unnecessary and why there shouldn’t be an exception for those who wear them:

Time: It takes just as long to put on a pair of jeans as it does to put on a pair of sweatpants. I don’t care if you bought your jeans too skinny or your donk makes it difficult to slide them on – that’s simply a personal purchasing issue.

Superiority: You’re no better than anyone else for wearing them. Just because your sweatpants say the sport in which you play doesn’t put you on a pedestal. From personal experience, as one who was once a Division I athlete, it not only makes you look lazy but it puts an image in individuals minds about how a specific sport carries themselves.

Yum: If you believe, even for a moment that you’re going to be picking up your barbie or ken while wearing sweatpants you better think again. Quoted by a classmate of an athlete when they finally wore a pair of jeans, “Wow, I didn’t even know you owned a pair of regular people clothing!” Yikes, really, is that who you want to be portrayed as, the athlete who dresses “down” everyday?

Hard-work: A common excuse, which consistently makes me laugh, is that athletes strongly believe they work harder than others. That based on their hours in the gym, on the court, on the field, etc. that they “deserve” to wear sweatpants. Well I’m sorry to bring it to your attention, but your lives aren’t harder than anyone else’s. For example, athletes practice an average of 20 hours per week based on NCAA rules. A large percentage of full-time students are working a minimum of 20 hours per week as well, for at least one employer. Oddly enough, these “non-athletes” still find time in their day to dress well, what a concept!

Cold: Yes, it’s cold outside, but what makes one believe that jeans or dress pants can’t solve this issue – if you’re really cold, put a pair of long johns underneath them.

Gym: Sweatpants, or an entire sweatsuit for that matter symbolize that you just got done working out. Is that what you want? People looking at you thinking “Did they just get done working out? Why are they still wearing their gym attire?” Some of the best advice I ever received was to always look professional, you never know who you’re going to see or meet.

That said, not every athlete dumbs down their everyday attire by wearing sweatpants, but a large percentage do and it’s like looking straight into the sun; it becomes uncomfortable, forcing some type of squinting behavior until its unbearable making one immediately look away. A pair of jeans, that’s all I ask, and hey, you might even receive a compliment based on the way you presented yourself that day (I highly doubt your sweatpants have received similar, positive compliments).

Many don’t know the history behind Halloween, whether this is of interest to you or not, let the History Channel throw an ounce of opinionated insight your way. While the history of Halloween is important to about 1% of the population and .001% of the college demographic, 99.999% humor annually over unique costumes or what one may call an outfit. For that reason, follow me on an adventure through the 21st century and how college students have redefined Halloween.

Whether you get excited to run up and down neighborhood’s for goodies because you’re in elementary school, dress up in a frisky catwoman outfit because you’re in college, or hand out candy to little kids as an adult, there are three common themes that outline Halloween:

Getting candy: It doesn’t seem to matter how old you are, everyone wants their sweets in one way of another. Little kids delight in the opportunity to get their yearly fix of candy, college students get their annual consumption by showing off their goodies, and adults enjoy this evening both by handing out candy and by going through past photos that epitomize their “glory days”.

Breaking away: As a child, parents rarely ever allowed you to eat candy on a regular basis. Halloween on the other hand allows the worst stomach aches to come to fruition through endless consumption of sweet sugar coated delights. Equally, as a child or young teenager, parents had strict guidelines as to what costume you wore for Halloween. Now, as an “adult” the ability to make your own choices has spawned the realization that one can dress however they desire. From the refrained outfits to the cleavage bearing costumes, Oct. 31st has become a “people watchers” paradise. And for parents, well, you can hold your younger children to a standard, but for your college children, you can merely hope their photo isn’t absurdly scandalous when it pops up on Facebook.

Passing out late: After hours and hours of door to door candy trips and pounds of candy creating a temporary sugar high, children and parents are finally falling asleep in the early morning hours. For college students, there’s a slightly different take to passing out. A regular night out or a house party has the potential for someone to drink far too much, pass out on the couch and wake up the following morning with a terrible hangover. But what makes Halloween SO much better are the morning afters. Yes, watching someone try to stay composed after 10 beers, 3 AMFs and 8 purple vikings can be quite humorous, but its the following morning that makes for priceless memories. Waking up, in the same skimpy outfit from the night prior is a hysterical sight (especially if you’re coherent the following morning) when your floor is covered by bodies that resemble pop stars, television actors and a plethora of other sleazy costumes. Something I’ve yet to see is a college student wake up last minute (especially with Halloween being on a Monday this year) fully outfitted and slightly hungover for class – now there’s something I would pay to see!

Halloween has taken a 180 degree turn since the 8th century. People continue to dress up (or dress down for that matter) to compete for the most outrageous costume, epitomizing scandalous behavior and naughty intentions. Yes, Halloween makes people a little crazy but it only happens for one night of the year. Therefore, enjoy your outfits and skewed personalities for one night, personally, I wouldn’t have it any other way!

A sublime, transcendent and pleasing feeling consumes me – I feel as if thousands of eyes are touching me from head to toe as I attempt to walk seamlessly. What are they thinking? I silently ask myself. Why would he be doing that…here…in front of everyone? With a confident mindset I continue, trying to recall if I’ve EVER seen anyone else do this. I feel new, unique and slightly scandalous about my behavior but now that I’ve began I simply cannot stop.

I’ve just returned from a 25 mile bike ride, Cartwright Loop as we like to call it, consumed fiercely by a handful of muscle aching climbs and exhilarating descents. I’m thirsty and dehydrated, in desperate need of what one may call the ideal “beverage,” after being torched by the 95 degree Boise rays for nearly two hours. After separating from my coworker and riding partner, I made my way to the college student’s saving grace in Winco.

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to do it, without locking it up? Well, on this day, I unclipped my pedals, jumped off my bike and attempted just that in front of hundreds of people! As I entered Winco my emotions were racing, everything from apprehensive to energized. There I was, going against what I previously believed, feeling slightly strange and on the verge of totally badass.

What was I attempting? Well, if you pictured me walking through Winco with my road bike because I didn’t have a bike lock, you’re absolutely right! Fully equipped in my bike gear, yes, delicious bike shorts and everything, I made my way past the impulse purchases, produce department and candy section relentlessly calling my name. Then I arrived, still utterly parched from the ride to the gorgeous, mouth-watering and delightful area that I like to call the “fridge of beer.”

Why would I do this, or better yet even care to write about such a subject you ask? Curiosity of course! I was wondering how a typical person in Boise would react to me walking my bike around the store decked out in cycling gear. Utterly shocked and pleased I came to realize three reactions and comments as I roamed the aisles. First, I had a couple guys and gals, probably mid 30’s ask “how was the ride?” with legitimate interest and curiosity. Second, 98% of people I walked by had absolutely no reaction at all – it was as if I was walking around with a shopping cart in a t-shirt, shorts and flip-flops on a warm summer evening. Third, I did get a couple laughs, but I attribute that to carrying a 22oz bottle of new Pyramid, Fall Red Ale through the store.

Not only were people completely content with what I was doing, they admired it. Boise, you’re awesome, the bike community here blows me away a little more everyday and I couldn’t be happier to be a part of it!

Picture yourself entering the gym, swiping your ID card, hesitantly saying hi to the overly welcoming host/hostess, preparing your walk, swag, or what one may call a gimp down the hall of glory. Turning the corner you approach the point of no return, the battle ground of sheer intimidation and the testosterone infested trenches that one can only hope to survive. Your mouth’s watering, heart’s beating and mind’s racing as hundreds if not thousands of thoughts go through your mind. And then you it consumes you -Guido type individuals, grunting, while unnecessarily throwing large weights to the ground for no apparent reason. No I’m not talking about your perceptions of the Jersey Shore (while it may relate), I’m talking about your everyday weight room!

Whether this is you to a “T” (I’m sorry for you) or you’re the one with these humorous thoughts, live vicariously through me as I express my thoughts toward these swole specimens that think they’re the cats pajamas in the gym. Don’t get me wrong, I love these individuals; they boost my self-esteem daily and allow me to feel that much better about myself. That said, sit back and enjoy!

Legs like toothpicks: I’m sorry guys, but this is NOT a good look! Do a little research on those funny looking things in the corner (squat racks) – you’ll benefit from it.

Grunting: I don’t know if you’re trying to impersonate a women’s tennis player or get your estrogen fix by listening to Katy Perry on your headphones, but it’s highly unneeded.

Throwing down weights: It’s almost like little man syndrome, compensating by driving a diesel F-350, if the weights are too heavy to set down while doing your “curls for the girls”, get lighter weight!

Apparel: Cut-offs, that’s ok, vans shoes, tolerable, and I can even deal with the bodybuilding.com t-shirts, but wearing a hat, is you’re future really that bright…inside? And then to take it to an entirely new level, wearing it backwards, I understand a bad hair day, but it’s the gym – nobody cares!

Swag: In regards to what I like to call “muscle man swag,” swaying back and forth with a pumped up chest and out of proportion arms, you simply look and operate like a robot with the inability to function outside of lifting large objects – congrats.

2 reps: Oh yes, what I like to call the “2-rep muscle man,” well done you just did two reps of more weight than you could handle – and you will not benefit at all from it.

Bro talk: “Hey bro, what’s up? Oh you know, livin’ the dream, getting my swole on” – I don’t know if it’s the creatine talking or the lack of masculinity you’re trying to make up for, but just because you’re at the gym doesn’t mean that your intelligence level needs to drop 10 fold.

You’re welcome. Now every time you enter the gym aka “muscle mans paradise” you’ll experience joyful remedies toward the absurd look and mentality of what some call “working out.”