Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Why It's Good To Be A Woman

1. We got off the Titanic first.2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.3. Taxis stop for us.4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.13. We will never regret piercing our ears.14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.

The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going up stairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!"

It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation, under God."

You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.

You still say "Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival."

You bow your head when someone prays.

You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.

You treat Viet Nam vets with great respect, and always have.

You've never burned an American flag.

You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.

You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.

You'd give your last dollar to a friend.

It is time to change from REDNECK humor to TRUEAMERICAN Humor! Only I don't see it as Humor, but the correct way to live your life! If you feel the same, pass this on to your True American friends. Ya'll know who ya' are.

Do you remember how embarrassed you were the last time you had company for dinner and when they dug several dog hairs from your best gourmet effort? This is because there is a right and a wrong way to cook with dog hairs.

First, we must remember each dish calls for a different variety. If you are unfortunate enough to own only one variety, I'm sure you can come up with a friend who will be willing to lend you the proper variety of hair or you could even order a rare variety, as they are light and easy to mail. There are many dishes that are basic to most menus and these can always be spiced up with the buff variety, which are especially useful when baking biscuits, pastries and yellow cakes. The black and tan hairs go well with fall dishes, Thanksgiving turkey, mince or pumpkin pies or even yams. Black, of course is for your roasts, steaks, ribs and hearty dishes, including stews, which carry black hairs well.

Naturally chocolate color hairs will go well with most desserts, unless you serve a very light Jell-O type dessert, in which case go back to the silver buff. If you are especially interested in foreign foods, most varieties can be used in Mexican, Japanese and Chinese cooking. In fact, any nationality food will accept most dog hairs without hurting the flavor.

A good rule of thumb to remember which dog hairs go with which dish is--use them as you would a good wine--white wine and light hair with the delicate dishes, dark wine and dark hair with the more robust, heartier dishes. For a special touch to finish your meal with a flourish, add the long-forgotten finger bowls with a few hairs of assorted colors floating in them. Your guests will be astounded, and so appreciative of your unexpected elegance!

Sunday, November 12, 2006

The Good Deed

A man appears before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers."Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'"