Sunday, June 17, 2007

Working in an Emergency Room and before that in a trauma ICU, I'm on a first name basis with Some Dude. Much like Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy, he's everywhere, at all times, but unlike these postive icons Some Dude seems to have a more nefarious agenda.

Let me give you a scenario.

Patient comes into the ER with three gunshot wounds and a pocket full of cash. Lots of cash. More cash than I'll be seeing this pay period.

ER Doc: What happened?

Patient: I don't (deleted) know what the (deleted) happened. I was just (deleted) hangin' with my (deleted) boys.

ER Doc: And...

Patient: And then Some Dude (deleted) shot me. Shot me in the (deleted) (fill in the blank). I wasn't doin' a (deleted) thing.

ER Doc: Why do you have all this money in your pockets?

Patient: What (deleted) money are you talkin' about? (deleted) Some Dude must've been tryin' to (deleted) set me up. Make me look bad to my (deleted) boys. Only thing I had in my (deleted) pocket before was my grandma's (deleted) bible and now it's (deleted) gone.

Here's another example...

Guy comes in with an alcohol level off the charts and he's just been jumped. Reeks to the heavens and belligerent to boot.

ER Nurse: What happened?

Belligerent guy: What the (deleted) are you talkin' about (deleted)? I was on my way to (deleted) prayer group and Some Dude jumped on me and kicked my (deleted) (deleted).

ER Nurse: Was it someone you know?

Belligerent guy: (deleted), I never saw the dude in my (deleted) life. He just came out of (deleted) nowhere and (deleted) me up. And you know what else he did? He (deleted) stole my brand new bottle of Vicodin I just (deleted) got filled. Guess you need to (deleted) give me a new one, (deleted).

Not only is Some Dude everywhere, but he has a big family, too. This Dude gets around, as does That Bitch. Often they travel as a gang to prey on the unsuspecting innocent walking to church at three in the morning with one pocket full of cash and the other full of crack, meth or ammunition. As in, "I was mindin' my own business when Some Dude kicked me in the head and then ThisDude took my money and then That Bitch drove off."

If you see any of these people I'd advise you to steer clear. Evidently, they're capable of anything. Whatever you do, protect your Bibles and your Vicodin.

4 comments:

RC, you made my husband bust a gut reading your post. I was laughing, but he almost fell out of the chair. I've heard of this nefarious gang, too. When I worked as a reporter, they were often cited by witnesses as being involved in crimes. Great post!

OK, I've stopped laughing enough to type. I honestly thought I was reading edited versions of what I transcribe daily. Now that you've introduced Some Dude and That Bitch to your readers, you will have to write about the Frequent Flyers who do not earn extra miles of goodwill with ER staff for their visits. I can hardly wait.