tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post803331226863339215..comments2020-06-06T19:19:26.044-04:00Comments on Fiction University: Real Life Diagnostics: Does This Scene Make You Want to Keep Reading?Janice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-76519320171430441122018-12-09T15:38:04.424-05:002018-12-09T15:38:04.424-05:00Thank you Maria, for your insightful critique!Thank you Maria, for your insightful critique!Pamelahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10641800481681697132noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-62974807404922395112018-12-09T15:37:17.788-05:002018-12-09T15:37:17.788-05:00Thank you, Ken. Your analysis is spot on, as alway...Thank you, Ken. Your analysis is spot on, as always. Pamelahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10641800481681697132noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-5069511058409455922018-12-08T11:29:27.312-05:002018-12-08T11:29:27.312-05:00I love a scene that puts the character right in a ...I love a scene that puts the character right in a crisis, and you&#39;re embracing the challenge. Like Maria said, some of the lines work better (all the hints that come with &quot;beach dress&quot;) than others (I think the first glimpse of light is just &quot;a flash&quot; instead of flash&quot;ing&quot;).<br /><br />There is some Telling here, and phrases that aren&#39;t as clean or strong as you may want. A moment like this needs a lot of intensity, so it&#39;s worth studying how seasoned pros do it, right down to sentence structure and word choice.<br /><br />The thing I&#39;d really like to see more of is Lei herself, especially if this is your first scene. We get a few bits about her walls and her dress over time, but what&#39;s the first thing we should latch onto about her-- and how does starting with this situation make that come up first? In non-action scenes I live by Kurt Vonnegut&#39;s &quot;Every character should want something on the first page, even if it&#39;s only a glass of water,&quot; and in action scenes that becomes showing what is specific about Lei&#39;s reaction. Yes anyone would be startled here, but how fast can you show us that Lei isn&#39;t just anyone?<br /><br />Show she&#39;s already exhausted from a late night of studying, or she&#39;s out of her element because she&#39;s a smart businesswoman who&#39;s not used to immediate threats, or she&#39;s got a temper that almost makes her charge straight at the danger. Who is THIS person we&#39;re about to spend a story with, and how fast and how firmly can you show that? And can you do it in passing, through her reactions and surroundings, without slowing the action down?<br /><br />That&#39;s actually a reason you might reconsider starting the story right here (if you are). Opening with action grabs the reader, but it also crowds the character into a situation where she has less room to show herself, and so her first impression is more broad-strokes and generic than a different scene might let her be. You might start this even tighter with the actual window breaking (if you&#39;re positive you can make her character distinct during the scramble that follows), or you might spend a few more lines with her being half-awake thinking specific Lei-ish thoughts about whether the lights mean something or not, or even have her already out of bed and doing things for several pages before the break-in (if you can build some tension without actual action). Be sure you&#39;ve found the best place to set the balance, that lets you do justice to both sides your way. Actually, &quot;waking up&quot; is considered a bit of a cliche opening, and waking up to a break-in doesn&#39;t completely erase that taint, so it&#39;s another reason to choose carefully.<br /><br />A lot of the elements here make me think you know Lei and her world very well. Just think, what do we need to know about her first, and how strongly and seamlessly can you focus all this on that?Ken Hugheshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02732164204232936705noreply@blogger.com