Tony

A guy in Manchester, England called the cops around 11:30 Tuesday night, when he noticed a guy setting up a LADDER outside his apartment, leading to one of his windows.

So he reported it as a possible burglary in progress. Then while he was on the phone, he thought of something…something to end the robbery. He simply opened the window, grabbed the ladder and quickly pulled it into the apartment. The robber then just stood there shocked before running off.

Kylie is in a little trouble because she just slapped the crap out of her 18 year-old daughter Ashley. And yes Ashley is the one who called the cops after she got the backhand from mommy dearest. But here is why…why Kylie lost her mind and smacked her daughter…it was because her little girl flushed her weed! You see, Kylie had been out buying some groceries and returned home to find that her gilggle grass was missing and so she flipped out. Her daughter Ashley then said, I flushed it down the toilet and “BAM” she took one across the choppers.

MY POINTS:

Wait…did I say the mother was the clown?...I can I change my mind! I kid…I kid! Kylie I fully understand having teenagers in your home makes you want to smoke your brains out, BUT let’s not resort to physical violence.

Kylie, take a lesson from our very own Tony Russell…just tell your kids you need it for THE GLAUCOMA!

OR Kylie you could just do what 98% of all parents do…TEACH YOUR KIDS TO SAY NO…AND THEN HIDE YOUR DANG WEED in the top of your closet!

A TV station in Youngstown sent a reporter to check out a fire that started in a garage and spread to two houses. The garage belonged to a woman named Heather who was willing to talk on camera. And the reporter asked her (on live TV) if she knew how the fire started, and that is when she said, “Oh yeah…my COUSIN did it.” The very nervous reporter then asked Why?

And Heather said this about her cousin, "He's mad because he can't get with me. I'm married to my husband . . . he already put him in the hospital once last month." COMMERICAL BREAK

Jayson Curtiss got pulled over back in April and the cops found a bag with about a pound of a leafy green substance in his SUV.

He told them, quote, "I'm a licensed dealer of that."
When they didn't buy that, he said, quote, "It's for aromatherapy."
When they didn't buy THAT, he said, quote, "It's my yard clippings."

So they said, "Which is it…your are licensed dealer, it’s aromatherapy, or yard clipping?" He then literally said, “I’m going to go with yard clippings.”

So they took it to a lab for testing, and it turns out it was a synthetic marijuana called "spice," which has been illegal in Florida for over two years. So Jayson was arrested and hit with a bunch of felony narcotics charges.

Ladies and gentlemen, here…here is why you should focus on getting fat and not fit when on vacations. A man who we know was in his 60s was working out in a hotel gym in Fort Lauderdale on Wednesday morning . . . he was getting pumped up for his day on “Geritol Beach.” And while he was on the chess press…well…he fell off. Yep, he just tipped over on one of the machines. He fell over & somehow got his HEAD stuck.

It took several minutes, but someone finally walked into the gym to find our poor dude just lying there on the floor with his head stuck in the fitness machine. The fire department had to come & use torches and saws to get him out. But thankfully our pumped up senior citizen is going to be just fine…the only thing damaged was his ego.

We don’t have a name so let’s call him…Smokey. And Smokey is our crown of clown today…and here is why:
Smokey was riding his mountain bike in the Boise foothills and nature called…he had to go to the bathroom, but of course there were no toilets. So he stopped his bicycle and dropped his pants, dropped a deuce, and then…then he wanted to be environmentally sensitive so he lit the toilet paper on fire and…well…he also lit up 73 acres! Yes, he burned down 73 acres. Smokey turned himself in and told authorities that he accidently caught the forest on fire while lighting the toilet paper.

My Points:

Smokey, I honestly feel sorry for you, because…well..your heart was in the right place, but your ass was not. It’s happened to the best of us, but we didn’t burn down half the state of Idaho.

Smokey, honesty is always…always…the best policy, UNLESS you just committed a major crime. At that point you need to listen to the words of my father Green Beret Bob who says, “Deny-Deny-Deny.”

Lastly, Listen to my words, because I’ve always said…Dance like no one is watching, and poop like no one is in the stall next to you. So God bless you.

Today’s Crown of Clowns goes to Todd Fassler of San Diego. Todd was walking on a trail when he looked down and saw a rattlesnake. So believe it or not, he picked it up to get a selfie for Facebook! And I know this is shocking, but that was not…not a good idea. The rattlesnake bit him, and the injuries to his arm were severe. So severe that he was quickly on death’s door. He is alive thanks to several anti-venom shots. In the end…his medical costs were $153,000!

My Points:

Todd, note to self, when a snake has A RATTLE…IT’S A RATTLE-SNAKE!!!

Toddie, read the Bible, who always played the snake? Could IT BE SAAAATAN?

Speaking of the good book, if you had gone to Bowie Baptist with me as a kid…you would have learned how to handle snakes. As Rev. Oddie always said, LET THE GOOD LORD LEAD…OR YOU WILL BLEED!

Today’s Crown of Clown goes to one Tim K. of Delaware. And here is why, Tim just placed an ad for his golf clubs on Craigslist, and they are a brand new set of clubs and he is only asking $500. AND here is what Tim says in his posting:

"I'm only selling them because I got married a year ago and my wife no longer lets me play golf. Actually she doesn't let me do anything fun. I'd like to sell them to a single guy who has no intention of ever getting married. As for the price, it's negotiable. Quote, "Looking to get $500, but realistically it doesn't matter how much they sell for since the money will go toward buying my wife more useless [crap]."

Once the ad started going viral yesterday, Tim deleted it . . . probably because he was afraid his wife would find out about it.

My Points:

1-First let this crown of clowns be a lesson for all of you thinking to get married! Anytime…anytime you are in a relationship and you begin using phrases like, “they don’t allow me to…” You should run…run like hell! Which brings me to point 2

2-Tim…you need to pull your boys out of your wife’s purse now. Tell her you need a lover not another mother! God gave you one momma and you don’t need another one.

3-Timbo, I would say more, but I have to go because my wife said I had to be home in 15 miuntes or I'm grounded!

Today’s Crown of Clowns goes to a man who has figured out how to lose millions and millions of dollars. His name is Curtis James Jackson, but you know him as 50 Cent! Yes 50 Cent has declared bankruptcy three days after being ordered to pay his Baby momma $5 million dollars. And he was ordered to pay that money because he leaked a “TAPE” without her permission. 50’s lawyers say he could owe up to $50 million bucks to creditors.

My Ironic Points:

A guy who had a huge hit called “Magic Stick” is about to lose 5 million dollars because of his…Magic Stick

50, everyone use to be able to find you in DA CLUB, but now you can’t even get IN da club

And finally, my last ironic point is… 50 Cent is now only worth…well…50 cents.

Marshay Frenard is in a little trouble due to his insane jealousy! In fact, he is now in jail because he assaulted his girlfriend's teddy bears!!!!

Marshay went to his girlfriend's home and grabbed one big ole teddy bear and stabbed it, and then...then he grabbed another one and put lighter fluid all over it and fired it up!

He then threw the stuffed fire ball into the fireplace and left, but not...not before leaving a note that he would return to burn the house down if she didn't take him back.

My Points:

1-Marshay - Marshay - Marshay, I can't believe you did that ... I can't believe you left a note. Never leave a note. Oh and it was a little...a little psychotic

2-I'm no relationship expert, but...uh...but I'm fairly sure Dr. Phil would tell you that if you want to get a woman to take you back, stabbing and burning her stuffed animals is not the first step to take. Try flowers next time.

3-Marshay you need to find another woman who is the same kind of crazy as you...so let me give you a website to check out...go to www.EllenTailor.com