Saturday, January 4, 2014

Exclusive Fantasy Interview

J.T.Z.: Today we have with us a very special
guest: the Dragon Aurius! So good to have you with us today, Mr. Aurius.

Aurius: It’s good to be here, J.T.Z. The cave
gets a bit damp at times and becomes rather uncomfortable. Nice to get into a
dry place now and then.

J.T.Z.: I would imagine. Now, about that cave
you mentioned. When a Dragon is searching for a good home, what kind of habitat
would you suggest for them?

Aurius: Well, if a Dragon doesn’t mind the
damp, the seaside is usually a good place. Nice fresh air, lots of fish to eat
and of course the bonus that there might be a few sunken Galleons full of
treasure in the cove. I myself found a nice canyon, dry most of the time with a
bit of damp here and there, lots of shade if you need it but plenty of sunlight
up on the canyon ridge.

I hear that some favor the island habitat.
It’s a pretty good place to live, ‘sept there’s always the chance of eating a
poisonous root of some sort, or a mushroom with sinister properties. Just look
at what happened to that Dragon in that story book, ate a rabbit who’d just
gorged itself on Dragon’s Bane and died soon after, horrible end, long and
painful. What was the name of that story? Had a ship in it and? Some guy named
Casper? And another guy, useless I think he was called? Got himself turned into
a Dragon on an island? Then some lion turned up and gave him a bath and he
turned back to normal? Oh never mind, I’ll remember later.

Point is desert islands are more trouble than
they’re worth, life is too precious to pay it in return for fresh pineapple.

J.T.Z.: Inspiring words, Mr. Aurius and I’m
sure that many young Dragons out there have just got a few very valuable
pointers on a good place to find their home. Now, about food situations for a
Dragon. Tell me, do the knights get stuck in your teeth?

Aurius: AAAUUUH! You have no idea! The bones
just wiggle in between your teeth and when you can’t get them out; your breath
starts to smell like rotting human, never a good thing on a first date.
Fortunately, the bones are usually quite easy to remove as the knights usually
come equipped with toothpicks.

J.T.Z.: You mean, their swords and spears?

Aurius: Precisely. Also, I have found that
one’s breath can be improved greatly when you start gargling with brimstone.
The smell quite overlays that of a knight and is highly attractive to female
Dragons. Although I hear that some Dragons put on so much that Dragon hunters
can track them by following the smell. That is just a really stupid thing to
do. All you need is a little bit to make your breath smell good.

J.T.Z.: Interesting pointer on hygiene, I
hope you’re listening all your Dragons out there. Now, about the maiden
sacrifice thing. What is the point in it?

Aurius: Ah, now there is something that we
Dragons usually don’t tell. However, I suppose I must make an exception while
on the air.

J.T.Z.: Yes, you must!

Aurius: Don’t get pushy or I shan’t tell!

J.T.Z.: Okay, okay, I didn’t mean to get
pushy. Please tell us this secret of the Dragons.

Aurius: That’s more like it. Very well. Most
people think that we Dragons actually eat the girls we demand as sacrifice. We
do not in fact. We Dragons have been in the elopement aiding business for
centuries. Imagine this, there’s a girl in a little village who’s betrothed to
marry some slob, but she’s in love with this other boy. What does she do? Her
parents aren’t gonna let her marry this other guy. All seems lost! But then,
Dragon to the rescue! The girl comes to her local Dragon and tells him about
her problem. The Dragon and her concoct a plan and she goes back to the village
where she tells her boyfriend all about it. Few days later, dragon comes over
the horizon roaring and threatening mayhem unless he is given this girl as a
sacrifice. The parents agree and the girl is carted off to the dragon who
carries her off to his cave where she stays and waits for a day until her
boyfriend, apparently driven mad with grief over the death of the girl and goes
off to battle the dragon, tragically dying in the attempt supposedly. In
reality, the girl and her boyfriend are taken to another village by the Dragon
where they can get married in peace. A happy ending!

J.T.Z.: I assumed that this is not all done
for free?

Aurius: That would be a safe assumption to
make. Where do you think we get out hoards?

J.T.Z.:…Um…I don’t know, I always kind of
assumed you got it from the knights you killed or the castles you plundered.

Aurius: The knights?! Are you daft?! Yeah,
the knights are all gonna carry great big purses of gold when they go to fight
the Dragon. Yeah right. We don’t attack castles! What idiot would attack the
castles?! Those guys have mounted repeater crossbows and catapults that fire
barrels of water! Don’t laugh, that stuff will play havoc with your inner
fires. Stop laughing! I said STOP! Alright, I’m outa here. If you can’t behave
like an adult, I’m leaving.

J.T.Z.: Wait (snicker, snort) I wasn’t
laughing at you (hee, hee, hee) I was laughing with (chortle chuckle) with
(har, har, ho, ho) Oh never mind.