“Orange is the New Black” recap (1.9): F*cksgiving

Nichols is here! (Hi, Nichols!) She’s dropped in to peel some carrots because Luschek never showed up for work in the electrical shop. Red tells her to get her ass off the counter and help with the real Thanksgiving factory reject turkey bits that are happening this year. Or, as Nichols points out, real turkey anuses. At least it’ll make nice gravy.

Sophia washes Chapman’s hair. Chapman tears up—being touched in a non-creepy way by another person is rare in here. While the Sister reads about wakeful rest, Chapman wonders aloud if she’d be OK if Larry wanted to transition. She thinks she could handle it, but notes that Larry wouldn’t be the most attractive lady.

A bigger oh, no—I think we’re watching some homemade abortion tea happen for Diaz. Those things do not have a reputation for being safe. Mendoza assures Diaz that the tea (and a pill) will take care of it just as Maria, who just had to give up her baby, walks in, gets into bed, and sinks into depression. This is going to be an intense episode, kids. Mendoza gets a couple of Snickers for her troubles.

Laundry!

Doggett is talking about praying for the souls of dead babies and hopes they’ll get into heaven. Her deep emotion snaps right off when she’s done dictating. Doggett’s blonde minion is getting it all down for Doggett’s correspondents. Yes, Doggett gets fan mail—and she wants her fans to know she’ll be out by 2015, before the Rapture. (Should it matter where you are when the Rapture happens? Is there a problem if the room is lead-lined or something?) Alex points out that we already had a Rapture whiff a couple of years ago, and Doggett says that was the Stage I spiritual half, and Rapture II, Physical Absorption of Souls Boogaloo is coming soon. And that Alex’s gay ass is not welcome on the Rapture bus.

Alex calls Doggett an Appalachian meth-head and Doggett announces she’s had it with rich bitches like her.

Dogget flashback!

Goddammit, show. It’s so like Orange Is the New Black to make me feel sympathy for an intolerant little squat like Doggett. I accept this human feeling the show is thrusting upon me, but I do so with deep resentment.

Anyway, a snotty kid who should have been raised better is snotting about Young Doggett’s sneakers because they’re from Payless. The Mean Girls make fun of her whole outfit and her mom’s multiple jobs and call her “Pigsty” when Mom Doggett comes to pick her up. Doggett throws her shoes out the car window. Mom Doggett is not leaving those. Mom Doggett says Doggett is better than any of them since she’s the daughter of a rock drummer. Oh, man. Mom Doggett says those college types are going to lead boring-ass lives and wish they were Doggett. She should maybe manage expectations a little more.

Rec room!

Mustache hangs an anti-suicide poster and yells at the inmates to not hang themselves after the going-away party. He doesn’t want any Thanksgiving suicides. So help me, show, if you make me feel sympathy for Mustache via flashback, there will be trouble.

Alex says Chapman’s new ‘do looks like JonBenet Ramsey. They hang Taystee’s (second-draft) banner together. And reminisce about drug-running world travel. Look how far they’ve come! (Psst! Chapman! Still a really bad idea to have a drug-runner girlfriend!)