Is it possible to heal from the hurt in an ADHD marriage and move on?

Ok, life with an ADHD spouse is a roller-coaster. I have been in every type of counseling for about a decade. My husband was diagnosed with ADHD, very severe about a year ago. In my opinion the ADHD lifestyle has been a very cruel way to live. There is so much hurt that I clearly remember and live with each day. most of it is very well explained in the ADHD book. Being ADHD, my husband seems to be able to move on very easily. I think he is working moderately-hard to learn from his ADHD. But I am positive that if an event occurs which requires him to support me, most likely he won't be able to provide the support I will need. It is a terrifying way to live and as I have stated in earlier posts, my ability to manage in this relationship is very limited.

Mainly, I am wondering if it is actually possible to move forward like the ADHD person does? And how do I do that?

Comments

I left my ADDer about 2 months ago now and I'm not even tempted to go back.

Here's how I did that -- I grieved while I was still married. Once I decided I wanted out, if I thought of something I would have normally "saved" to tell him about, I didn't tell him. (And he never even noticed the silence.) I stopped thinking of him as being my friend. I started thinking of a new support system and spent my time thinking about how to make a new life, rather than thinking about how I could "fix" this one. I still read this site daily so I don't forget the things my ex did. I wrote a "paper" to myself describing everything I could remember that was abusive. I read lots and lots about ADHD and the prognosis for change. I talked to therapists. The last one told me I needed to "disconnect" emotionally from him if I wanted to stay with him and still keep my sanity. I mulled over every word anyone had said that supported my position and my leaving him. When I came to the "last straw," I let my anger propel me through the loneliness. I surrounded myself with other women and reached out (in a friendly way) to everyone I could find who would even smile back at me.

I'm much much happier. I have more friends than I ever had, and I appreciate them. I'm involved in several really enjoyable activities. And I don't talk about him to other people. I don't want to see him, I don't want to talk to him, I don't care if he falls off the face of the earth -- not my problem anymore!

They ultimately are very abusive in their selfishness. Which is part of what I struggle with. If I didn't have 3 kids and no job I already would be gone. But I don't even have any support system anymore. I am horrified at how many bad memories I have. And I don't feel like I can move on in the relationship with all the baggage. Sometimes when I think I can repair the damaged relationship, a memory hits me and my stomach sinks really badly and it makes me sick.

I know without a shadow of a doubt that if I come down with cancer or some equally awful disease that my husband would ignore me for the TV show that he wanted to watch or the cycle trip that he wanted to take. He is generous with his money, and I am grateful for that, but being considerate of me is never even a thought. This forum at least let's me know that I am not totally alone.

In the situation you describe I sure think I could take care of my DW. I sure try to be there when she is sick or injured. How did you live with the disconnect so long? I am almost three years post diagnosis and I too struggle with this damn disconnect. It's like her shields won't come down. She gets annoyed if ADD is even spoken of. How do you fix something when what is broken is not acknowledged? My 2 daughters have ADD, one diagnosed (a surprise to me) and the younger is pretty obvious, but only 10. I am doing my best to help coach them, but again I can't discuss much of a plan without my DW getting annoyed with me. It is really like she liked the Un-Diagnosed me better.

I certainly hope your DH would do better in a dyer situation than you fear.

How did I live with the disconnect for so long? I am mortified to say this, but I stayed married by getting attention from other men in various forms. Less than a year after my wedding, my husband seemed to lose total interest in me. I made it 12 years before anything happened, and I honestly believe that, if I had not been intensely pursued by an older man, I would not have ended up on that path. I'm certainly not blaming it all on him, but I don't believe I would have made the first step. I am shaking my head as I type this, but even after he found out about the affair he didn't seem to care. It was like he just didn't want to hear about it. Just don't bring any of it into his world. We did eventually divorce after 18 years, but remarried three years later. My guilt over what I had done to my children and THE FAMILY was more than I could take. Amazingly, he never wanted the divorce in the first place. I knew what I was getting back into, but it had to be better than what I was living. Nothing has really changed except that he does acknowledge that our problems are mostly his fault. For any women reading this...an affair will make your situation SO MUCH worse. That is never the way out. I have suffered more because of the affair than the ADD. But...it is 6 years now since we remarried and he is worse. He actually lost his job last week because of the ADD. That is not a huge problem because he is old enough to retire, but he will have to get another job to make up about 15% of his previous salary that we will lose. Your wife cannot let her "shields" down because when she does and she starts to feel emotion for you, she is most likely cut off at the knees again. She hates that you "did it to her again" and decides that the only way to protect herself is to not allow you into her emotional realm again. It is as simple as that. She has been burned too many times. And it hurts just as bad as the first time. I finally moved my husband into the other side of the house. He has his own bedroom and bathroom. I go to the gym every single day to de-stress and just not be around the house. I can take him in very small doses. I do not believe that he will ever get better, or really even cares to. The only person on both sides of the family who realized what I was going through was my father, but he died 14 years ago. It's just me. I am 54 and in great shape. I miss having a man in my life, but divorce is not an option so I guess that will not happen for me. I honestly feel like I am with an emotionally retarded man. He embarrasses me in public because he has no social skills, but I prefer to be with other couples than alone. Actually...I pretty much insist on it. I see no light at the end of my tunnel.

The Affair is something that I've always known to be the ultimate deal ender for us... I bet the guilt was killer for you. I know when I had an "Emotional Affair" (what I was charged with) was me turning to a friend at work, trying to get some female perspective about my situation without making life hell for me by asking a family female close to me which would end up disliking my DW. This would make all family events bad for eternity. This was my pre-diagnosis ADD Logic... I was desperate and took a huge risk opening this Pandora's Box. There was Never anything between us, but after it all came out the trust was gone. We had family therapy, we agreed on a time-line to end my friendship and I beat the deadline by two months. I wanted the reset button pushed and my DW approved every word in the email End of Friendship Letter. That was 2.5 years ago and I wonder how long this sentence is? I asked and she gave her forgiveness for this, but if she cannot ever truly forgive me, then I need to know. My EA happened, I owned, took 100% of the blame (Which is not right, but I did) and have not repeated the situation and take steps to assure her where I am, who I'm with, why I stay late at work and I Never go out with friends without her, but We rarely go out either. So I don't "Think" I have kept any bad trust repeat cycles going.

Adding to the complication, I lost all my weight and keep it off (She liked it when I was over-weight because she knew nobody else would want me, her words...), I exercise (Walking), I read about my ADD and try to keep adjusting myself, but she will not give me an excuse by admitting ADD is real. At home, I don't disappear to my pc in the game room, I put away any phone/laptop when we are together and recently started staying off my electronics at night, so when she walks by I am Not on them. She really prefers to watch her shows in the bedroom as I watch mine in the living room. I've tried going to the bedroom to sit with her and watch whatever she is watching as well as asking if she wants to watch her shows in the living room with me. I go to church with her (She is religious, I'm not), but I'm glad to go with her. These things have really improved very little... Really, all the things I do differently annoy her, because it goes back to me working on my ADD. My room mate relationship can only last so long because I can't take the disconnect which is what lead to my ADD diagnosis in the first place. I feel Very alone and still have my mom and dad (Divorced, of course) and know it must be terrible for you to not have your dad. My walks totally de-stress me, like your workouts. When I get off track on my walking, my ADD is worse for sure. I've asked her to go back to family therapy, but she shows no interest. It is like she just wants Me to make the call. Everyone has been so helpful on this website, which is how I've gotten this far, but my DW refuses to acknowledge the Elephant in the Room that came with me unknowingly...

It sounds like there are other issues besides the ADD that are upsetting your wife. I have read your posts before and you seem to be doing everything right. I can't imagine why she would not want to "acknowledge" the ADD. That seriously baffles me. And I can tell you right now that if YOU have lost a significant amount of weight and she has not that THAT situation is a completely different deal. You also need to keep in mind that aging relationships can and do get very stale without the added ADD component. I can't remember how long you have been married, but after 10 years or so she might just like being left alone to do her own thing. When my husband found out that I was having an affair, HE started having an affair also. (This whole thing got so convoluted...) I'm not really sure why, but I was able to get over his affair much more easily than I did my own. He told me later that his was payback. I felt and feel like I deserved it so I guess that helped me to move forward. My husband does make an effort, although it seems to me to be a very small one. My anger ebbs and flows, but it never completely goes away because there is always something happening. The wound keeps being re-opened. If he was trying as hard as you indicate that you are, I would be very happy. If she won't go to therapy, go on your own to keep things in control. At least you will know that you are doing the right thing and making an effort. If she still isn't happy, you have a decision to make.

The weight loss Really made he mad. She is most mad the my condition has the side effect of weight loss AND the Easy Fix. She says she knows it's not fair, but just they way she feels. She says that now we don't have the common denominator of emotional eating and I just can't relate anymore because my "Speed" keeps me from being hungry. This is the very topic we need to go see her psychologist about, but she will not go. Regarding weight, I was WAY over-weight. 5'-11" @ 285 lbs, now I right at 185 lbs, hardly "Skinny". My DW has lost weight and looks great, but any compliments are immediately dismissed. As long as we stay in the day to day business mode, kids, home, work we do just fine. This easily takes up so much time that one on one is minimized... When does she have an angry spell? Usually early in the weekend... This usually eases just in time for the next work week... I Think I'm working hard but I'm at a loss for why things are just business like.

You lost a hundred pounds??? That is incredible! Good for you. :-) Most spouses of ADDers have a level of depression. Do you think this could be a possibility with your wife? YOU say that she looks great, but I wonder if SHE thinks that she does. Women can be very tough on themselves. And you mentioned the "common denominator of emotional eating". Maybe she liked things better the old way? She needs to open up and let you in on what is bothering her, but from what you say, it doesn't sound like that will be happening in the near future. If she is an emotional eater, there are problems there that cannot be "fixed" by YOU or your attempts at changing you bad ADD patterns. This may just be her problem. What an interesting twist. What sets her off when she has an "angry spell"?

Pretty much, the entire year before my diagnosis was a downward spiral, in spite of 2 great DD's, great new job (Big increase in $), married 13 years, but after 9 years of almost 0 relations with my DW, super stressed over the demands of the new job (12 years at the old job at my DW's company) and a major death in my family that occurred over months. I had been slowly ballooning for years and maxed out at 285 in October of 2008. As the anxiety attacks worsened, a stress diet began and I had already lost 40 pounds by my diagnosis in May 2009.

You have "HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD"

1 - "Most spouses of ADDers have a level of depression": She had been battling this for years, worrying about EVERYTHING, mostly her mom and brother's drama. Even her psych told her at one point, that she worries about Everyone other than her husband (Me). She says she didn't have to worry about me because I was laid back, consistent (had quirks that annoyed her) but basically all good.

She is beautiful and even when she is not at her ideal weight, I've never thought otherwise and Do compliment her. (More now, of course, post diagnosis)

2 - "Women can be very tough on themselves": I have told her a million times that she is WAY too hard on herself, self criticizing (Especially how she looks), but also her job as a wife/mother. She sees what others do and if anything is not as good as someone else, she is not happy with herself, which turn into "WE" are not doing good enough. My compliments (NO Credit) I am just saying it because I have to if I ever want S. If I explain that she is a great mom/wife, my standards are too low (WRONG). My attempts to comfort her anxieties/depression are useless, because she thinks if left to me Nothing would get done (Lazy/Too Laid Back), ummmmm... ADD, maybe affecting her???

3 - "Maybe she liked things better the old way?": THIS is key to the current situation. She has TOLD me this and says I just don't relate to her anymore now that I have the "Magic Pill". Let the anger begin, which she admits. She knows and has said she needs to see her psych, but won't do it. If I've learned anything, I know know that "I Cannot Fix Her", but was hoping if I remained consistent she would see that things ARE better and she could release some of the burdens/stress.

Going to dinner or lunch would be an easy place to "Set her off" for probably a year. Eventually our DD#1 was tired of the pattern and said something after a dinner one night. Meals are "Better". Of course if we ever go out together and have dinner and a drink (like 2 drinks) everything is good at first, but then can suddenly flip 180 degrees into a disaster.

The other "BIG Anger" source is any event where people have not seen me in a long time and they comment about my weight loss. This pushes the "Auto Anger Button", because everyone "Perceives" us as a couple with a Rock Solid foundation AND my DW projects extreme confidence to the outside world and only I know how the opposite is true. Male co-workers of hers saying in jest "He must have a girl friend" as the joke reason for my weight loss. I send them "Thank You Cards" for the Shit-Storm these comments cause.

Don't give me too much credit! Most women have the same issues. I am fortunate in the fact that I love to work-out which keeps my weight normal and my body in good shape. It sounds like her "male co-workers" are just jerks. I don't want to be the bearer of bad new here, but all of the things that you commented on are things that only SHE can fix. I think you will get to the point where the best you can do is take care of your daughters and yourself. She will either continue to stay in her bad place, or get sick of it and figure out a way to climb out of the hole. I have decided that, even though my husband and I ARE a couple, we are not attached at the hip, and I am going to have other interests. This weekend I am going to have a PLANT-FEST! I love to work in my flower beds in the spring. He will be out of town and I will be up to my elbows in dirt. HA. I will go running after that and then (with any luck) find a good movie on pay-per-view. Being married does not mean that you have to own HER issues. My mother told me when I was first married that I needed to do everything with my husband and always be interested in what HE wanted to do. Uhhh...NO! She is 78 and from the 50's generation. It worked for her because my dad was wonderful and most certainly not ADD. Actually, he was very OCD (don't you just love all the acronyms! HA). That is another problem that I have. I am OCD and my husband is ADD. Can you think of a worse combination? Marriage is not all about romance and sex. These days I think it is more about financial survival and family and companionship. I learned how to ride a motorcycle three years ago so that I could be with my husband doing his favorite thing. Fortunately for me, it is now MY favorite thing! I would rather ride my Harley than just about anything. Look for one thing that your wife really likes to do (hopefully it isn't going out to eat!) and do it with her at least once a month. I have come to believe that "loving disengagement" is the only way to live when these circumstances crop up. And you have only been married for 13 years? hahahaha. You have got a long way to go, but keeping your family together is more than worth it. And you be very PROUD of yourself for losing that weight! What an incredible accomplishment!

This April marks 20 years together and June is 17 years married. Marriage 1 (Like the Betamax) Epic Fail in 1 yr. 9 mo. So 17 is damn near family records (Parents Generation) on both of our sides.

I know she needs to work out her issues and has done well losing weight/exercising and eating better. My DW has always complained about having no hobbies and since she is so self critical, she feels like until "Everything" is done, it is selfish to do anything else. In the last couple of years she has started going to painting classes. These help her, but are rapidly decreasing in regularity. I was Totally supporting this hobby! She has gotten Really into church involvement (Organized religion is not my cup of tea), but we knew this in the beginning and I go with her on Sundays and support this for the kids. This was my biggest fear when she threw herself into the church and I did not want to be involved more than Sunday service. I support her involvement, but I did not need more myself. I can't finish "Everything" at my house As Is.

The business side of marriage we have working pretty well, but the other side (R&S) are just important, so it's got to improve. This disconnect is killing me... My DD's are the only thing that have kept this thing together. My DW has told me this too... Shortly after diagnosis, she says she almost left me and the girls were the only thing that stopped her.

I am very happy about my health! But since my DW discounts the whole thing, it does not give me much comfort. I know how hard I have to work to stay this way. The Adderall does not have the same powers over my appetite as the first few months. Like diet pills that work until your body adjusts to them, the Adderall is the same way. Eating less and exercise consistently "MAY" keep me is the best shape, by far, of my adult life.

you did not deserve to be cheated on if you "cheated",that's not the way it should be "either way",if you cheated then he should love you enough to either leave you alone, or stay and sort it out with you,he should not have done that,"nobody" should do that,I wouldn't do that if I was cheated on,but I am sorry things went down that way for you.Actually,, My DH did do something close enough and instead I stayed and sort it out rather than cheat.

My husband's ADHD (undiagnosed, but it's really obvious to me now that this is what he has), has really caused me a lot of pain. I experienced the loss of both of my parents a few years ago, unexpectedly. He was able to "hyper-focus" during the time of the funerals and funeral preparation, but the aftermath has been awful. I have no emotional support. His family is just as bad. I live two-three hours away from my hometown and the only people I had as support for grieving were my inlaws and my husband. But how can you share deep emotional thoughts with someone who is unable to listen? Even his family, when I tried to bring the subject up to them, they would hurriedly walk away or find something else to do-- all the while, asking me to do several things for them.

I finally had to push them all away from me and I isolate myself and read, and write, and do other things to try to nurture myself through the grief. It isn't the way I wanted to go through this, especially when I am always so willing to help and nurture others through difficulties. But I guess I have to travel to be near a good friend to get that support-- and take care of myself in the meantime.

Unfortunately, this has caused me to not give as much of myself and to close myself off from others. I don't really like doing this, but it's kind of like I have to, in order to maintain my sanity.

I am sorry about your losing your parents. That must have been very hard to lose them both. No matter how old you are or what kind of parents they are, the loss of one parent is sad and makes you want to reach out for someone else to be grounded for you. The loss of two parents unexpectedly must have been traumatic. I hope you are able to find some solace and connection with people who love you and care for you and can be strong for you.

I didn't realize most of what I had been experiencing with my wife until I snapped and did something very stupid. We became swingers mostly because I could not connect with her and was desperate for connection. It was the only (stupid) way I could see having moments of connection and not rip the family apart. I was in a dark place and would never make those choices again.

But what I learned changed everything for me. When I was with the other women, they would actually remember what I liked... and not just sexually. They would actually SEE ME.

As stupid as all of it was, for the first time in my life I had connected sex. It was amazing! A few years into the life style, I fell hard for one of the women I met. It was bound to fail being based on that life style, but I was aware now of how unable my wife was of knowing me and acting on it. How can a woman who has only had sex with me three times be infinitely more in tune to me than someone who has known me for 27 years? I realized that the other woman was more normal aside from being a swinger and my wife was simply incapable of experiencing ME.

Last night we had our 1 millionth argument about sex. I said the same words I had said every other time but much more eloquently now that I have had so much practice. It occurs to me that I am actually the damaged one. Anyone who stays in a relationship like this is the stupid one.

So, as of this morning, I have decided to leave. I'd like a few of the years I have left to have some peace and sanity. If I am lucky, I might be able to connect with someone for real again.

Lynnie, I am following your footsteps it seems. I am in that final blast of anger.... And while he is leaving me and my home, and we are waiting until our dog passes (he is old and very sick with a poor prognosis), I am still working very hard in exactly the steps you outlined.

I like the idea of a paper to myself too...it can be hard to remember everything emotionally abusive and bad that has happened because of all the work I have done to forgive him. But maybe I need to keep it handy for those times I remember the "real him" who appeared a few times... The him that I love, adore and miss. The him that wasn't really real after all.

its good to know you are finding solid footing and becoming happy after all this. Gives me hope. This is not how I wanted things to go, but I cannot tolerate how things have been.

Tonya - A couple months later, and you're post is hitting home with me. Years with my DP's unmanaged ADHD, and I'm sitting here wondering "What the heck did I do wrong?" It's a horrible place to be in, but I do have to admit that Al-Anon and Codependent No More has helped put a lot of things in perspective. I even remember days when I used to be incredibly articulate in my thoughts, but now just ramble hoping I can even get something to stick in my own head.

Putting myself first was, at first, a very uncomfortable lesson for me. Through the work I'm doing in Al-Anon and Codependent No More, I'm finding I completely lost myself. My experience is very much like living with an alcoholic - a very normal reaction to a very abnormal situation. Now that I'm armed with the knowledge about ADHD, I'm becoming much more aware of my role in things and what's ONLY my role. My DP has been seeking treatment for 1.5 years, but I'm not sure he's taking it seriously to the point that it will improve the relationship. He's actually turned into a kind of "prick" taking care of only himself. I had to move out. I wasn't strong enough to "detach" or stay & keep myself from emotionally responding to his behaviors and actions. His manipulation has gotten worse, as well. Very passive aggressive and silent. Abusive in many respects. Still I try to reach out to him to make sure our life we built (house, things, etc.) are sitll taken care of. No points for that. More manipulation and excuses - and that's when he decides he wants to return a message. :)

I read your post with a LOT of jealousy. As well as posts by XYZ and the rest of the ADHDers who are tackling their disorder the best way they know how. BRAVO! I get "leave me alone" instead of "I'm trying here." I'd even love for my DP to throw down literature or a book and say "Here - this might explain things in a way that you're stupid brain won't understand me saying." At least that would show me he's doing work, and, yes, I'd even read it! That would be progress at this stage. Instead, my DP has basically asked ME to read Melissa's book and tell him about it. Really? You want someone who's still INCREDIBLY ticked off to teach you something? Obviously, he's still not in his right mind. This won't go well.

I can't move on like my DPs ADHD allows him to. But, I've finally become comfortable enough with myself to know that I don't WANT to move on like that. I'm a very open, honest, sensitive, and caring person. Much the same way I saw my DP when we first got together. That person is still in there. A disorder is keeping him stuck. I can't hate him - I hate what the disorder and it's symptoms have done. Most importantly, *I* cannot save him, help him, or do it for him. He has to want to. Once that's established and obvious, I MIGHT reenter and see what the waters like. Until then, I have to stay focused on me and keep practicing.

You'll hear a lot about "detaching with love". Honestly, that didn't work for me. I detached in anger, resentment, hostility, and hurt. After I got through the better portion of that, I could see the disorder with clearer eyes. Makes loving the person much easier. Still no safer for me, but that's type of decision is up to the individual.

It also helps me to remember that nothing can be "fixed" right away, if it can be "fixed" at all, honestly. There's no white horse. There's no "happily ever after". We are always and constantly a work in progress. Alone, in a relationship, friendship, or whatever. Always a work in progress.

I loved Melissa's book. What an eye opener! My ADHD ex and I ordered the tape, listened to it together, and ordered the book. I felt so understood for once! But no changes came about, and when we split up, he got that book, waved it in my face and declared, "Here! This is in case you ever want to learn how to accept me as I am!" She talks so much about how much pain ADHD can cause to the non-spouse, but the only thing he heard was that i was going to have to learn how to accept him the way he was (which was unmedicated and unmediated). Sigh.....

I don't mean to chuckle, but I just flash-forward to cleaning out my house and finding all of the ADHD books that have been lost. glad I have Melissa's digitally. As proud as I am of my progress lately, I'm not sure I could have refrained myself if that were to happen to me.

I look at the connection/energy that WAS there and can't help but wonder how that same energy can't be used for good. :-/

I found this site and then got Melissa's books--a truly heaven-sent eye opener for me too! It let me know that I was not "crazy" about my husband's behavior pre- nor post-diagnosis. My husband and I also took Melissa's course and he bought the ebooks, but similar results as yours. Nothing('s) changed on his part and every time I asked for a copy of the ebooks, he always had an excuse for not producing them. Every time we argued, he'd only bring up what I needed to be doing to be supportive, starting either: "According to Melissa..." or "Remember what the course said how, what, or when you should be supporting me!" I was supposed to change immediately while he, with ADHD, needed breathing room and no expectations of responsibility.

I totally appreciated your sharing your "deliverance plan" as I'd call it at the beginning of this thread. After a recent fight, I am almost cold and definitely feeling detached on this, my second day of contemplating my own plan. I tend to get quiet and inward in an attempt to stabilize my emotions, sanity, and soul and this makes my husband anxious, and yet ready to resume battle at the littlest opening to appease his pride. Even though I've explained over again that I am not punishing him but rejuvenating me. Yet when I get ready to leave I can definitely see him finding those books and any/every thing to do with the course yelling the same declaration as your ex! BIG SIGH....

I don't know your exact situation, but hang in there. I have ADHD, causing much stress for my soon to be ex-spouse. I wish we received help for our issues much earlier.

I looked at some old pix of my soon to be ex-spouse the other day, and nearly doubled over with grief. My soon to be ex-spouse is the funniest and sexiest man I've ever met, our connection initially sprang from friendship and grew into an intense love. Yes, I have ADHD and I'm very scatterbrained and a terrible admin assistant. But I love to laugh and enjoy a deep conversation, as does my soon to be ex-spouse. The details of living got in the way.

For the past 2 years, we poked at all of our issues, pulled at all the strings. I pulled back from therapy too early, focusing on my bullshit job instead of my spouse.

My only advice to you is to try and remember the good times. Unless the situation is abusive or infidelity is involved, I'd recommend that you try to find a way to remember why you fell in love. If you can afford it, take a vacation together. If you can afford it, hire a housekeeper or personal organizer. Don't let the details of life ruin the relationship. Go to the beach. Go see a comedy. Try to see if there is a class or activity you can do together, I think shared hobbies really helps.

Now that we are going through divorce, I wish I went with him on that vacation to Italy when he asked. I wish I did all the little things he asked me to do. I wish we had sex more. But it's over now, so I can't... :(