Posted tagged ‘memoir’

James wasn’t always the alpha male he would become. After an early growth spurt in elementary school, the rest of the school caught up to him, and by the eighth grade he was shorter than most of his classmates — including Little Petey, who was now going by the name Angry Pete aka Gorilla Man aka Wolf Murderson aka The White Gobstopper aka Hurt Bodiez. The evening of the eighth grade dinner dance, Angry Pete and his band of ne’er-do-wells accosted James and his date Young Susie outside of the gymnasium.

– AYO IT’S ME ANGRY PETE, Y’ALL!

– Hello Angry Pete, how do you do?

– NOT TOO GOOD, I GOT VIENNA SAUSAGES IN MY EARS AND NOSTRILS!

– I’m sorry, Angry Pete, I don’t see any …

– CALL ME HURT BODIEZ!

– Sorry, Hurt Bodies, I …

– WITH A Z, FOOL!

– Listen, Hurt Bodiez, I don’t …

– THAT’S BETTER! HA, HA!

– I don’t really know what you want from me.

– I WANT YOUR GIRL, JIMMY! YOUNG SUSIE IS GONNA BE MY DATE TONIGHT! YOU CAN HAVE THESE VIENNA SAUSAGES THO DAWG!

– What? Now, listen, I don’t think … that’s not something …

– You know what, James, it’s actually okay.

Young Susie took off her begonia corsage and gave it to James.

– I’d actually rather go with Hurt Bodiez. I thought it was pretty mean what you did to him back in elementary school, and I feel like you haven’t really grown up. And also your wiener is pretty small. I can tell.

– But, Young Susie! We were to be a spectacle upon the dance floor! I got my hat blocked!

– I’m sorry, James. Maybe if you hadn’t insisted on wearing those checked pants, things could have been different between us.

At that moment, James felt worse than he had ever felt before, except for the time when he was caught peeing in his fifth-grade teacher’s gas tank. He decided then that he would no longer let the Angry Petes of the world dictate his life to him. He decided then that one day the world would know his name and his deeds, courtesy of some crazy person’s blog. He decided then to become a professional bodybuilder

James began what was to become a lifelong love affair with coconut macaroons when he was seven years old, in the cafeteria of his grammar school, the Westinville Monster School. His classmate Little Petey approached him with a proposition: Little Petey would share his coconut macaroons with James in exchange for a portion of James’s Vienna sausages. James was (quite understandably) attached to his Vienna sausages, but also intrigued by the Little Petey’s pastries. Large for his age, James quickly sized up the aptly named Little Petey and acted boldly. He accepted Little Petey’s coconut macaroon offering, but when Little Petey reached for a Vienna sausage, James snatched them back and removed several pink weiners from the can. “Dost thou enjoy the Vienna sausages, scurvied goat? Perhaps thou wouldst enjoy them in thine ears!” He twisted a sausage into each of Little Petey’s ears. “And, if thou didst find those weiners pleasant in thy respective external auditory meatuses, perhaps thy nostrils might enjoy as well the slippery texture and pleasant aroma!” He twisted a sausage into each of Little Petey’s nostrils. “Ha, ha!”(more…)