Help but don't help.

Friday 20th January 2012 is when i'd decided i'd had enough. I made an attempt on my life, a crap attempt but i tried. For me this is a sign that things are really bad again. I haven't made an attempt in just shy of two years. I look back on those two years and seriously wonder how i made it through them, because they were easy years.
Here i am 9 days later, in utter hell. My thought patterns are hurting me and others around me who are only trying to help. I push them away but I still want them to be there. I can't have both, its cruel to subject someone to my thought patterns.
My whole body aches, my head is a mess, it wants help, but doesn't, i crave help, but when offered i decline it.
My life is an egg timer, and i feel it getting close to the end.
I sat earlier and drew out a chart of methods to kill myself and which would be the best option. This isn't wanting to die, this is needing to die. This is having no other option, can't take the pain, make it stop now no other option.
When i was younger i used to try to believe in a god, and ask that god why i was hurting so much. I didn't understand what lay ahead of me.
I still don't understand how it's come to this, how people who have been through so much more than i have are okay and doing good, and i'm stuck in this limbo of hate and pain and confusion. For the first time in my whole life i actually feel like a child. I am 20 years old, and even when i was a child. I said " i have an older head on my shoulders". it's very confusing, for the first time in my life feeling like a child. accept im not kicking and screaming on the floor in person. It's all happening inside of my head. Where no one can hear and where i have no way of putting into actual words.
I was never allowed to have an opinion as a child or express how im feeling, that still sticks with me now.
How do i undo what has happened to me? Or at least make it hurt less.
How do i decide how and when im going to die? even that feels out of my control.
Im so confused, so so confused. I'm lost in a world that i thought i had sussed. Thats a slightly out of context, I dont know any people ever who had the world sussed. But that's the only way to describe it.
I refuse to take my medications anymore, they do not work.
I don't know where to turn to anymore, or what to say. No words are enough to describe what's going on in my head.
Will it ever get better? some how i don't think so.
I dont think im going to be here anymore soon.
I dont want to be here anymore, the sooner it's over the better.
I'm sorry.

there are many other doors you could open that will help you deal with all this confusion this pain. One is therapy that will guide you in controlling the emotions the sadness one that will helpyou to cope Meds for me are the answer but not for everyone You need to do whatever it takes to heal but to do so you have to stop pushing people away and accepting the help they offer. YOU CAN HEAL many have healed and move forward it can be done you just need to keep opening the doors instead of shuttingthem hun What ever help has been offered you take it you use what you can then you take more okay You do what is best for YOU only you know what that is h ugs