That's right, today I am campaigning for the next frontier in Reality TV entertainment. 16 Americans, marooned on a space station. Forced to compete with one another to win the million dollar cheque and a place on the shuttle back to Earth.

Every three days there will be a vote. But here, there will be no voting of people off the island. Here, there will be voting of people INTO ORBIT. Each cast off will be loaded into the cargo bay and ejected into the void of space. Well really it serves them right, they should have won immunity.

The survivors will be forced to scrounge for space food, pre packaged into tiny cubes because you cant have real food in space, otherwise it'll go everywhere. Challenges will be things like the inevitable "How long can you stand on a pole in zero gravity" and the "Hold your breath in space for the longest" extravaganza. And oh boy you had better outwit, outplay and outlast because the show's budget only covers one shuttle trip back to the space station, and the shuttle has only 3 seats, and one of those is for Jeff Probst, because someone needs to be the first to ask annoying and inappropriate questions in space.

Rewards for the reward challenges include such once in a lifetime experiences as a day's playing golf on the moon and your very own Moon Rover. However, be aware that in Survivor history no one who has won the Moon Rover has ever gone on to become the sole survivor!! Obviously the survivors will be divided into two tribes 'The Beta Reticulans' and 'The Arcturians'. Be on the lookout survivors, because hidden somewhere on the space station is hidden the all important Immunity Space Helmet!!

It's ratings gold I tell you. And I want a cut for coming up with the idea. Some may have to go to Dave as well.

Monday, July 19, 2010

My English student is doing a project where they write a profile of a person from an interview they conduct. God only knows why, but she chose me and so I thought I'd share the interview results. Enjoy ;)

1. What are you plans for the future?I want to get my Masters, and finish writing the books I am working on, and then hopefully get them published so the world at large can read my work, and hopefully they can make people think or feel something, then I could have an impact on people's lives. Having a positive impact on others lives is my main goal, above and beyond any career goals, career is not something that is important to me.

2. What are strengths and weaknesses?My main strengths are my intuition, generosity and loyalty, as well as my ability to use and understand the English language to a high degree. My weaknesses are probably my laziness... sometimes I just cant be bothered working hard or doing extra things that I don't have to. I also don't have a great deal of ambition in my career life, but instead I have a lot of ambition for my personal life and the way I interact with other people. I can also procrastinate too much when things need to be done!

3. What are your biggest achievements in life?Winning the Rowan Kelly Memorial Prize for first at Westlake in English in 2003, getting First Division Honours this year. Completing writing 2 books. Mostly my biggest achievements are my friendships and relationships I have cultivated.

4. Where have you travelled to?I have been to the following countries: New Zealand (both islands), Australia (Sydney, Gold Coast) , Fiji, New Caledonia, The United States (Los Angeles), England, Ireland, Germany, Czech Republic, Austria, Slovakia and Hungary.

5. How would you describe yourself to a person who didn't know you?I'm an introverted person who likes spending time alone and thinking about life, philosophy and people. I can be difficult to get to know, but once you do I am loyal and generous. I don't care about money or material possessions and having a high paying job. I was born in Auckland and have lived here all of my life, I think music is the greatest invention humanity has ever come up with and love spending time listening to all kinds of music that most people wouldn't even know existed! I take pride in being someone that other people can come to for help and support.

6. What is your motto(s)"Judge not lest ye be judged""I've never met a person on his death bed who told me that he wished he had spent more time at work"

7. Who is your inspiration and why?Mahatma Gandhi. A spiritual teacher as well as a leader of men who never once used violence and managed to better the lives of the Indian people. Also the poet John Milton, Shakespeare and the musicians Daniel Gildenlow, Devin Townsend and Steve Hogarth.

8. When did you get involved with English?When everybody else did I suppose, when they started teaching it to me in primary school! My Mum tells me that even back then, in Year 4 and 5 other students were always coming to me to have their spelling checked and for me to read their writing. I guess not much has changed in 17 years!

9. Do you prefer to work by yourself or with others?I prefer to work by myself generally. I draw the most energy from my alone time, and it allows me to focus better creatively and to work at my own pace without pressure.

10. What made you choose this career path?Well I didnt choose English because it would make me a lot of money!! I chose it because it would satisfy me as a person, and allow me to express myself in ways that other jobs wouldnt do.

11. What is your view on the future?I dont tend to focus on the future too much. When the future comes along, I'll think about it. Until then I'll focus on now. I believe in myself that I will always have the ability to support myself and have a decent job that is enough to get me by in the world. Beyond that I dont really care.

12. When you were young who did you think you would become is it different to what you think today?Oh it is HUGELY different!! When I was young I was obsessed with dinosaurs. I used to get out every last dinosaur book in every last library and memorise them off by heart. So of course, I was obsessed with becoming a paleontologist, so I could dig up dinosaur bones.

13. What do you do in your free time?I listen to music mostly, read and write. This answer isnt very interesting, but then again neither is what I do in my free time!

14. How did you become so successful in english?Oh dear lord, a question where I'm supposed to rant about how great I am. No thanks. I cant tell you how I became so successful at English because I honestly have no idea. For as long as I can remember I was just good at it, I understood how to express things that other people seemed to have to learn and practise. As the years went on I just seemed to flow through the levels without really having to put much aptitude into it. I know this isnt the best thing to say to my own English students, but it's true. I've never had to try hard to succeed in English, it comes naturally to me. Hopefully this means I can be an example to people who struggle and help them along. As for an explanation to why this is the case... all I can come up with is that maybe I was awesome at English in my past life and it has just carried over until now!

15. Do you believe in destiny/fate?Oh, I didnt know this question was coming! You've really gone and done it now, because asking this question gives me permission to go on for days about it. Do I believe in destiny or fate? Yes, but NOT to the extent that you probably mean. I do not believe that every little aspect of our lives has been mapped out and we are just like little robots following along the path the same way every time. I believe we all have choice, but that in the end time is an illusion and thus everything that has ever happened and will ever happen is happening right now in this moment. We are just choosing which path we will experience right now, this time around when in all reality, all of the paths and possibilities have already happened and we just don't know it yet!

16. Do you see yourself as an inspiration in education for others?Probably not. Because I can often be lackadaisical in my approach and I would not reccomend others try and copy what I have done, because although some can get away with it, some will fail and then they'll probably blame me. So work hard, and you can look up to my achievements if you must, but never copy my methods!!

17. What is your favourite country and why?Ohh my favourite country?? Tough. In the end I'm forced to say New Zealand. Because we are out of the way, small, not very important and people can get on with their lives without the hustle and bustle and craziness of somewhere like urban U.S or London. Living here lets you find yourself without the distractions of the world.

18. Do you plan on doing your masters?At this moment yes. If they accept my thesis proposal!

19. What motivated you to become who you are today?These questions really make it seem like I'm some sort of big deal. I was motivated by my own dislike of the world I see around me. It is too materialistic, uncaring, unthinking and rigid. Therefore it has motivated me to attempt to be more spiritual, caring, contemplative and non judgemental so that I can redress the imbalance.

20. What would you do if you weren't doing English?Probably History. Because it utilises similar skills to English and those are the skills I have. Not much else to say here.

21. What is the best present anyone has given you?Interesting. And also tough to answer. I'm going to take it a different direction and say that the best present anyone has ever given me is deeming me worthy of their care, friendship and time. People get too obsessed with expensive material crap and forget the person that is giving it to them. Therefore I think the most important thing is that the person cares about you enough to give you a present at all. What it is is totally irrelevant.

22. Describe a time where you made the wrong choice?Since this is personal I'm going to have to lie. But at least I'm honest about lying ;) A time when I made the wrong choice was speaking out loud nasty remarks about a teacher I didnt like, when that teacher happened to be standing right behind me. Ouch!

23. Who do you admire as a person?Probably too many people to name. My friends and family mostly.

24. What do you plan to achieve in the future?Absolutely nothing. Except for maybe a Masters and becoming a published author. Worldly achievements mean nothing to me ;)

25. Why English?Yeah, I get that a lot. lol. Mostly because English is the only subject in the school curriculum that lets you bring even a tiny amount of yourself into the subject. Maths and Science are all about shutting up and doing what you're told. History is better, but still it's a bit like "this is what happened, these are the good guys and these are the bad guys the end". In English, if you think and feel a certain way about a text or a Shakespeare play or whatever, you are allowed to express that and can even be rewarded for original thinking and clarity of expression. Bottom line is, I don't like being told what to do and how to think and English gives me freedom.

26. What is your favourite childhood memory?Probably my trip when I was 6 years old to England, Hawaii and L.A. I kept a diary about all the crazy stuff we did and reading it now is so funny because 6 year old me thinks about things far differently and in a hilarious way.

27.What challenges have you overcome in your life?Not all that many I suppose. My parents getting divorced, which never really bothered me all that much anyway. Also recently, my Crohn's Disease. But mostly I think my biggest challenge has been to be who I want to be in a world that doesn't accept individuality or outside the box thinking.

28.What advice would you give to people who want to pursue in the career of English?Make sure it's something that is in tune with who you are. Unless you are Stephanie Meyer or JK Rowling, English is most likely not going to lead to any huge financial rewards. Only do it if it gives you satisfaction and expresses who you are as a person, because those things are more important than money.

29.Why did you get into English?I believe you will find I have answered this question above. ;)

30. What is your passion besides English?Music. Music, music music. If I could have one talent bestowed upon me from God, I would ask for some form of musical ability. Music and literature to me are the height of human achievement in history and operate at a deeper level than the sciences or mathematics.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Well here we are again. Back by popular demand (yes I call two people commenting favorably on the last part 'popular demand'. You got a problem? Go get impaled on a clothes hanger.) Because these rants got stale about four parts ago I need a gimmick to fool you into thinking this is actually something different and not just the same old shit. But dont be fooled. At the end of the day it is still really the same old shit. I'm like a one trick pony. Only without the pony part. And the trick kinda sucks. But I digress, this being part seven, I will analyse and verbally denounce THE SEVEN BLUNDERS OF THE WORLD. The seven stupidest, most idiotic, piss brained things that the collective vomit bag that is humanity have ever invented in our long, tedious and pointless history. You may disagree with these selections, but as usual, if you disagree, you have just drunk the Kool Aid of WRONG. So lets get on with it shall we? Addressing you directly is making me ill.

The first blunder of the world: RINGTONES

Ugh. Just writing that word makes me feel sick to my very loins. My loins I tell you!! Whoever invented the first ringtone that was any different to the traditional 'brring brring' sound, thank you for being the most monumental trash bag douche ever recorded in the annals, or in your case the anals, of time. Ringtones are the most annoying, suicide inducing sounds the human ear can ever hear. And people PAY MONEY for this bullshit!! I'm sorry but if youre ever with me, and your phone goes off, and its anything other than 'brring brring' or 'beep' (even 'beep' is a fucking stretch) then I shall inflict pain on your hideous soul judged by the following levels. 1. If it is some comical horn sound, fart noise or cartoon sound effect I slap you in the face. 2. If its some quote from some movie I give you a colonoscopy with my boot and 3. If its pop music, or worse, I hear 'sexyback' then I murder you. With rusty meathooks. There is simply no excuse for that shit. "I want a ringtone that expresses my personality blah blah blah" I hear you moan. Well you've done a great job because your ringtone perfectly expresses the fact that you're an annoying repetitive unoriginal waste of everybody's time that I wouldn't pay $1.99 for. And I'll end on that because I cant top that last sentence. Brring Brring mother fuckers!!

The second blunder of the world: GOLF

If ringtones make me want to rip my ears off, watching golf makes me want to gouge my eyes out. I can only imagine what sensory carnage could ensue if golf was on tv and a ringtone went off. I cannot conceive who invented a game where a collection of oddly shaped sticks are used to hit a dimpled white sphere down a field into a tiny hole. All I'm sure of is that when it was invented, crack was involved. If you have ever sat through a full round of golf coverage then you seriously need to reconsider your life. Golf is the equivalent of a full frontal fuck off lobotomy. The player swings the stick at the ball. The ball flies through the air and lands on grass. The player spends fifteen minutes walking to the ball with a blank look on their face. Repeat for five hours. To add excitement, sometimes the ball lands on slightly longer grass, or in sand. Wow, feel the fucking electricity. And we pay these blank faced dullards millions of dollars... all the while children in 3rd world countries starve to death and earn pittance for slaving 14 hours in shoe factories. Good job civilised society. Good job.

The third blunder of the world: MCDONALDS

For one reason and one reason alone. If McDonalds never existed, nobody would have ever bought out Georgie Pie. And if Georgie Pie was still around I can only presume my last ten years would have been filled with far more ball pits and far less persistent depression. Oh, and McDonalds created the obesity epidemic in our younger generation. But thats more a good thing than a bad. More fatties to laugh at and feel socially superior to.

The fourth blunder of the world: THE UNITED NATIONS

Last week the United Nations security council debated for FOUR HOURS about whether to add the word 'concerning' to their description of the North Korean missile test launch. They eventually after FOUR HOURS could not come to an agreement. Fucking great work U.N. I have a suggestion to improve the U.N because right now its just an excuse for members of every nation to get together and talk uselessly about 'issues that could be issues or if they're leading to issues, but we've got to decide if they're issues or if they're leading to issues possibly related to other issues'. Replace every member with a monkey in a sash with that country's name printed on it. When one monkey throws faeces at another one, that means those countries will go to war. When one monkey grooms another monkey that means those two countries have come to terms on a free trade agreement. And if two monkeys start having sex, those are probably the monkeys marked 'United States' and 'Israel'. Wow this note is really on fire so far!!

The fifth blunder of the world: TWITTER

Okay so let me get this straight. You post single sentences of 140 characters or less telling people your thoughts, what you're doing or posting messages. Other people do the same. This is just wrong on so many levels. One, 140 characters is not enough for an articulate gentleman such as myself to adequately express the depth of my thoughts. Two, it creates the illusion that people actually give a fuck about you and your shitty mini updates on your pointless life. Three, its all the rage right now, so it must be shit. Everything popular is automatically crap according to rule 146 of the book of life. Twitter must be stopped before people start thinking that their opinions mean something. The real reason it only gives you 140 characters to express yourself is because Twitter knows whoever is dumb enough to sign up for it must be so shallow, pointless people that everything about them can be summed up in that many letters. Well you made a mistake Twitter. I only need 10 characters to describe everything about these people. Douchebags.

The Sixth blunder of the world: WINDOWS VISTA

1. Have you ever used Windows Vista? If yes, go to 3. If no, go to 2.2. Go and use Windows Vista. After you have done so, providing you have not killed yourself make your way to 3.3. You now know how god awful Windows Vista is and how it makes you feel the desire to go on a murderous rampage every time it loads up. Congratulations.

The Seventh Blunder of the World: MARRIAGE

Yes, we have saved the most abominable to last. Marriage. MARRIAGE! One third of the 'unholy trinity' of Work, Marriage and Religion. Work is a prison for your body, religion is a prison for your spirit and Marriage is a prison for your mind. Nothing mankind has ever invented has killed more people before their time than marriage. Allow me to methodically take you on a journey through marriage that is highly reminiscent of 'Dante's Inferno', because yes my friends, you will see hell.

Marriage is a concept that has no point or purpose. The only possible reason two people have to give away their precious freedom as free thinking individuals and subvert themselves to emotional prison for eternity is the need for security. And it doesn't even fucking do that. Congratulations, now you've got a ring and a government contract, is that going to stop him/her shacking up with anyone else? History says no. Marriages typically follow this timeline: Things go well for the first 6 months to a year, then things get boring/the partner suddenly changes/stresses come along/emotions die down/money gets tight and happiness wanes. You either soldier on through in spite of this or get a divorce. Soldiering on through creates resentment, unhappiness and the feeling of entrapment as both parties feel trapped by their obligations and vows. Divorce creates unhappiness and bitterness as well as possession division. Hooray. But why you ask?? Because marriage is predicated on an obligation that no human being can rationally make. Promising to feel the same way tomorrow is a lie to the universe let alone promising to feel the same way the rest of your life. It can't be done and no one seems to fucking figure that out. The truest form of love is waking up each morning and choosing again to be with the person you love without any obligation and the freedom to walk away at any time. In this sense a relationship is a higher form of love than marriage solely because of the lack of physical commitment; both parties are there because they want to be with nothing exterior holding them there. Anything else is just some counterfeit version and is deluding yourself. Successful marriages are the ones where both people do just what I have outlined and happen to make the same choice until they die. They could have done this exact same thing without the binding contract, ring or promises. SO WHATS THE POINT. Answer: there is none. And as an aside, on the gay marriage issue, gays should be allowed without question to marry. They should get the right to be as miserable as everybody else.

Phew, that turned out a little more serious than I had imagined. Ah well, fuck it. I hope everybody who reads this is offended in some way shape or form, because then I'm doing my job ;) Peace, and I await the endless onslaught of marriage defenders posting comments in 3...2....1....

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

The Hills. The grandest abomination that has ever vomitted forth into our unsuspecting world, corrupting all it touches with it's hideous vileness and all encompassing bile and burning calamity. Not only that, but it has reproduced, and formed two hideous offspring to carry on it's truly malevolent legacy; The City and Jersey Shore. Mired in pseudo reality we get a glimpse into the lives of the biggest asshats and douchebags that have ever been given extraordinary privilege and still saw fit to moan like fuck about it. So for all sane thinking people, here is a message to YOU, the cast of the Hills.

1. "No. You are NOT the shit."

Alright girls, the amount of cosmetic surgery you all have is probably keeping the entire industry in business at this point, but I regret to inform you that none of it makes any fucking difference whatsoever. Remarkably enough, before the boob job you were a shallow prissy stuck up human being and after the boob job, you're still a shallow prissy stuck up human being, now with silicone! How about some perspective girls, you are not God's gift to man solely because you are attractive... it doesn't matter how good you look, men still have to talk to you. And none really want to hear about your piddling little issues about how Whitney said something behind your back or how Spencer is starting rumors.

2. "WHO CARES?!"

Alright guys and girls of 'The Hills', I'd like to introduce you to my new invention. It's called the Problem-O-Scope. What you do, is you tell the machine your problems, and it comes out with a never fail 100% accurate representation of how serious your issues really are!! See, let's test it! I just brought in a displaced homeless man from the Gaza strip and he registered at 88 out of 100! Looks like his problems are real! Now, you try! Oh... your Mom doesn't like your new haircut?? Your sister living with you is proving a slight annoyance to your boyfriend?? Your ex is like TOTALLY snogging someone else even though he KNOWS you're in the club too?? Your private plane is in for repairs?? Okay Problem-O-Scope... what do you make of all this? Oh... hold on... I've never seen THIS reading before. Apparently the Problem-O-Scope has come out with -15 out of 100. As in, not only are these problems not real, they are an INSULT to real problems. Please people, stop talking. There's only so much oxygen to go around and I don't like what you're doing with your share.

3. "Your standards are imaginary. They have no objective reality outside of yourself. Stop being such a judgmental dickhead."

How many damn times on this show do we have to bear witness to someone describing one of their friends as "a total bitch" for doing something completely insignificant that they probably didn't even know was a real issue. And a second thing, how many damn times are you idiots going to rely on Chinese Whispers that has passed through like six different people as the honest truth of what's going on with your friends?! If the cast of The Hills set the standard for friendship in this world, boy I'd be on the next rocket ship to Mars. And when someone does something totally piddling to you, STOP BLOWING IT OUT OF PROPORTION. Seriously, you can cry about it when and if they do something like trying to kill you, or burn down your house. Saying to your boyfriend that they don't like your pants remarkably doesn't qualify as serious. Forgiveness people. Forgiveness. Oh but I forgot, forgiveness doesn't equal ratings, and we've got young minds to corrupt into thinking this is the way social interaction should work!!

4. "Choosing whether society should be exposed to Hitler, or The Hills is a fucking tough choice"

Seriously, people worship this show and it's hideous progeny. Young guys will start thinking acting like those muscle bound douche nozzles on Jersey Shore is the only way to get girls to pay attention to you. Young girls will think guys wont pay attention to them unless they disregard all personality and just focus exclusively on appearance. Seriously, can anybody think of any people you would want to have a conversation with LESS than the cast of Hills or the Jersey Shore?? In fact, if I ever saw them on the street, I would BOLT in the other direction. Congratulations cast of the Hills, you are promoting transitory materialism and crippling our youth from discovering the beauty of love and forgiveness.

The Hills is coming to an end?! Good, that's step one. Now break out the Men In Black memory washers so we can all go on as if it had never happened in the first place.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Ever since the global economic downturn begun, I've seen a gajillion of these stupid guides crop up in every publication and website under the sun. And they're all deceitful bullshit that totally misses the point. So I'm doing you all a massive favour. Here is the true be-all and end-all guide on HOW TO SURVIVE THE RECESSION.

1. Breathe oxygen.2. Eat food and drink water regularly. Starvation can lead to death.3. Do not bring electrical appliances with you whilst taking a bath.4. Do not put your hand into the insinkerator.5. Joining the military is a bad idea. Statistics show that if you are in the army you have less chance of survival than someone who is not in the army. It's just sense people.6. When skydiving, ensure parachute is equipped.7. On second thought, dont fucking skydive.8. If you are above the age of 85, your chances of surviving the entire recession become slim. Try to reduce your goals and expectations a bit. Maybe you can survive half the recession and that'll be something right?9. Active volcanoes may seem like fun places to travel to. But you're reading this guide for a reason, so dont even fucking think about it.10. Methylated spirits is not for drinking.11. Dont talk to other people. Your personality and viewpoints are surely gorssly offensive and may warrant murder. The only way to be safe is to disavow the entirety of humanity until the recession ends.12. Yes, even your family.13. ESPECIALLY your family.14. And stay away from animals.15. Yes, fucking ALL OF THEM.16. Travel by plane is generally thought to be safer than travel by automobile. So fly everywhere. Including to the store to get milk.17. On second thought, dont drink milk, you dont know where that cow has been.18. Following on from number 11... If you must talk to other people you must under no circumstances touch them. Recession STDs are rampant, especially Currency Clamydia and Stockmarket Siphyllis.19. Why are you on the internet?? Radiation from the computer monitor is harmful to your health. Get back to your underground bunker... I'll tell you when the recession's over.

And finally... the ultimate piece of advice to survive the recession.

20. Dont die between now and the end of the recession.

You can all thank me later for saving your ass in this difficult time.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

If you were stranded on a Desert Island and could only bring 5 possessions what would they be?

1. Ipod. I'm assuming desert islands have readily available power supplies so I can recharge it. Basically life without music is barely worth living.

2. Pen and Paper. You think the world is going to be spared from my expressive, mind boggling crap just because I happen to be marooned at the ass end of nowhere with only skinks and rats to keep me company? I DON'T THINK SO.

3. Hundreds of glass bottles. This goes along with number 2. Because otherwise only the people who crash land on the island and find my pieces of paper will be able to read my shit. This way I can set the fuckers loose on the sea and spread them to the four corners of the globe. That's right, China will end up with my message about how to best sautee rats. The West Coast of the U.S will end up with my rant about how island living is being ruined by modern consumerism. And Australia will end up with a copy of the treaty I signed with the natives entitled 'You fucking eat me and there'll be fucking hell to pay.'

4. Gun plus many bullets. Because basically I don't feel like hunting food with a knife. Too messy and it requires too much skill. This way, whenever I see a chicken, or a wild boar, or a rabbit or pretty much anything, I can lazily blow it to crap with my gun and then cook it for dinner.

5. Firestarters. Well duh. I refuse to rub sticks together. It's bad enough that I'm marooned on some stupid island with natives who want to eat me and no good looking girls in sight whom I could convince to restart the world's population. I am not lowering myself to rubbing sticks for hours on end with no fucking result. So I'm going for the matches, preferably one of those boxes where after it runs out of matches, new matches materialise from the spirit world.

There it is, my five items of choice. No doubt yours wont be nearly as awesome... but you can say tell me anyway.