I Wish The Acoustic Guitar Didn’t Exist

Why is the guitar considered such a cool instrument? It’s a hollowed-out piece of wood with some strings tied to it. By itself, it’s stupid. The guitar only becomes cool when you shove it full of wiring and jack it up on electricity. Then, the guitar is awesome. For further proof, listen to 2:52 through 3:56 of “Sweet Child O’Mine,” and then listen to anything ever made by Dave Matthews or his Band.

On the left, a real guitar player. On the right, an imposter.

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Furthermore, people who play non-electric guitar—what are you doing? Why do you even bother? You don’t see me walking around in sandals and capris with my recorder from third grade, do you? No, because I grew up and started playing the manly version of the recorder, also know as the oboe. Sure, you can woo airheaded women with your stupid dead tree plus dental floss, but I can summon snakes from baskets on command (thank you, Aladdin). “People” who play acoustic guitar are devoid of any positive impact on society (unless you count the hemp clothing they wear because it’s, like, totally biodegradable man). If I ever see Jack Johnson in person, I’m going to punch him in the face, then quickly hand him a notebook so he can write down how he feels.

So what is a cool instrument then? For one, electric guitar. Also, the oboe. And finally, the accordion. While those douchebag, sandal-wearing pansies attract a crowd because they play “Everlong” by Foo Fighters, there is real music being played by people like this kid. His take on…whatever that song is (I think I heard it in a Castlevania video game) is unreal. And notice the head movements—you can’t teach that. It’s au natural. I can promise you’ll see him at January’s Best of party.

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