Is Fighting About Sex Ruining Your Marriage?

Balance the between space and get happy sexually.

THE BASICS

If sex were not a problem, would you be happy again in your marriage? Amherst, a 39-year-old mother of three, told me that her marriage would be a "10" if their conflict over frequency would go away. Daniel loved his wife and wasn't going to leave her; she was his best friend, fit and attractive, and a good mother to his children, but she was never going to understand what sex meant to him. Neither understood they were both contributing to the problem nor how to fix their intimate life.

Solving the problems of sex is about solving the way we manage the space between us. There is a magical "between" that when balanced makes us happy. Two human needs war within us and between us. On one side is autonomy and separateness—we all need to direct our own lives and be respected. On the other side is closeness—loving and being loved gives our separate endeavors meaning. We need both things but in marriage we often find ourselves arguing only for one side.

If you want more sex, you are arguing for closeness and connection; you are setting foot into that mythical space, which ironically pushes your partner away. Like a south-pole magnet, the more you ask, the more he/she refuses (either gender can want more sex, different sex, sex acts your partner doesn't want to do, etc.) If you want less sex, you are arguing for separateness and autonomy; and you are creating a vacuum that pulls your other toward you to nag further. You refuse and the pouting ruins the rest of your day. This push-pull wears out the patience of every New Year's resolver.

Should you just give up your desire for sex? Absolutely not! Sex heals, restores and connects two people in long-term commitment. Should you "just do it"? Please don't. The grit from your teeth will not serve as a good lubricant. So what should you do? Change the game.

For sexual pursuers:

#1 — STOP criticizing. When you make love, don't get up from the bed with a list of suggestions for next time. I know you're trying to be helpful but I'll bet your partner will say that whatever they do it's not enough. Don't pout if your partner doesn't want to do it again right away since "that was so great!" Try to understand that your hungers may be different. Accept that sometimes your partner makes love to you out of love for you not because they are particularly desirous themselves. They may (and probably will) get horny once the whole thing starts. When your partner says "no," take it as a one-time thing. Okay, pretend it's a one-time answer. Go on with your day. Believe that your partner has another agenda that is about their own life, not about hurting you or denying you. Why? Because you are balancing space. Every initiation is a step into the no man's land. Reduce your anger. Sulking sends energy into that space between you. You want to create a vacuum that draws the person toward you.

#2 — Contain your own anxiety. Pursuers tell themselves that if they don't get up to bat x many times then they will never get a home run. Don't let this drive your initiation. Initiate only when you want to make love to your partner. Take care of your sexual needs by yourself if they are about boredom, emotional upset, or a need to sleep. Those aren't wrong/bad/inappropriate reasons to have sex but if you crowd the between-space already with demands and requests, hold off on the ones that are more about yourself than about creating connection.

#3 — Be seductive. I know you've tried everything before and nothing worked. Try again. Put your time, energy and money into making your partner feel cherished. Listen to them with your whole attention. Put the phone down for the whole evening. Be vulnerable and tell them how beautiful or sexy you find them. Plan and be creative. "You want to do it?" isn't sexy anymore.

For sexual distancers:

#1 — Initiate. Yes, at some point you are going to have to do it. Moving toward your partner under your own direction allows you control of when, where and how. Do it on your best day. Do it after a long, lazy nap when you're languid and rested. Distancers are afraid of being drowned by their partner's needs—so offer up and feed them. The barking dog barks for two reasons: because they are mean and because they are hungry. I'll bet every New Year's resolution that your partner criticizes because they are starving. Feed them. Plan romantic times. Touch your partner several times a day. Feed them every week from your heart, from the love I know you have for them. You'll save thousands of dollars in therapy and there will be peace on earth.

#2 — Balance task-time with relationship-time. You like to get things done and get them done well. So, bump the time for intimacy to the top of your list, make it happen and make it happen with quality. Pour into the sexual encounter one-tenth of the creativity that you do your continuing education hours or decorating your home. Invest in learning how to make sex great: books, films or therapy. Don't let a week get away from you without setting aside a few hours that are just about intimate time. Couples often tell me they didn't have time for sex. I hear this refrain from hundreds of couples every year. Yet in each case, I can usually count several ways they could have saved time for each other. You exercise 10 hours a week? Save one hour for sex. Pay someone to do the laundry—there's one hour (more if you have as many kids as I do) and it's lots cheaper than divorce or therapy. You work 80 hours a week? Take one long lunch hour, book a hotel room, invite your spouse. (If you don't make enough money in 80 hours a week to do this, change careers.)

#3 — Respect your partner's differences. So many distancers say they are happy just the way they are and ask why they should change. We change to show our love for our partner. The golden rule says love your partner the way you would like to be loved. But the platinum rule says love them the way they want to be loved. You may not have the same needs. If your partner's requests are not immoral or hurtful to you, try them. Meeting their needs sexually will develop your erotic self. It will make you a better, more well-rounded person. You will have more spice, joy, pleasure and excitement in life too.

New Year's question—what do you struggle with in your sexual relationship?

Do pursuers love their partner more then distancers?
And why is it that people want something more if they have a hard time getting it wouldn’t it be better to want what you can easily get more? Otherwise how can a couple appreciate reciprocation such as similar libidos or a similar kind of love for each other?
I guess it’s unnatural for a couple not to have a pursuer and a distancer when it comes to sex intimacy talking etc.

My husband prefers 'air' over sex! Weve been married for years like 45+ years and my husband prefers a lot of air between us and not waste any on talking. We haven't really talked in I would guess 15 years hadn't slept together in all 45+ years. His life never included me, I'm just some one who takes up space and air in his world. We have a small ranch house and I live my life upstairs and he lives down stairs. I just stay for the pension and benefits.

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No pursuers don't love their partner more. They are often more aware of their need for closeness. In fact distancers would be mortally offended at the suggestion that their love is less.

I think in terms of reciprocation, pursuers often miss the small movements of the distancer toward them. I agree that couples almost always split into differing degrees of desire for closeness.

I do think pursuers need to diversify their non-sexual interests... take up painting, invest in your career, develop more friendships so that their basket of fulfillment is naturally more full. It takes the pressure off their spouse to be their everything in other ways and gives the pursuer more happiness in general.

Fantastic article - this is my partner and I exactly - I am the pursuer and she is the distancer. I can completely relate to the idea of the 'space between' and that of magnets repelling or pulling. It seems logical to stop pursuing to create that vaccuum so my partner will gravitate towards me, my only fear is that she's so wrapped up in her career and her personal development outside of work that if I were to distance myself from her she'd simply forget that I exist. I do wonder why distancer types get into relationships at all if they see their partner's attention as an irritation and treat their partner like a 'plan B' that's just there for that 'once-in-a-blue-moon' occasion when they've nothing important to do for a few minutes. Why not just stay single an avoid the aggro of having someone try to love you?

Fantastic article - this is my partner and I exactly - I am the pursuer and she is the distancer. I can completely relate to the idea of the 'space between' and that of magnets repelling or pulling. It seems logical to stop pursuing to create that vaccuum so my partner will gravitate towards me, my only fear is that she's so wrapped up in her career and her personal development outside of work that if I were to distance myself from her she'd simply forget that I exist. I do wonder why distancer types get into relationships at all if they see their partner's attention as an irritation and treat their partner like a 'plan B' that's just there for that 'once-in-a-blue-moon' occasion when they've nothing important to do for a few minutes. Why not just stay single an avoid the aggro of having someone try to love you?

I couldnt agree more!!! If you are a distancer and you have the attitude of "I guess I have to do it sometime" why get married? Its so incredibly unfair to the person you're married to because they feel rejected constantly. And My husband is a distancer but he hid that little tid bit until we got married. After about a year of marriage he started making up 'excuses' for not having sex. Its really hard to be married to a man who shows his lack of desire for you. Its not a lack of desire for sex that he has, he can get himself off any day. Its a lack of desire to connect, to have intimacy and to be vulnerable. He can masturbate and have success but if I touch him ....nothing. If he cant do it with me but he can walk into another room and do it himself what message does that send to me?

So like you I wonder- 'Why get married?' Its like having a pantry full of food but locking the door at dinner time because THEY aren't hungry- ever.They are on a perpetual diet, so no one eats....

Thank you for the article. I've struggled in this place with my wife for nearly ten years after we had our first child. It further deepened after our second child arrived. It is a painful and unsatisfying place to ask for sexual connection and for so long to be pathologized that my desire to be sexual is seen as predatory.

Sadly, my wife does have a history of sexual violation in her childhood and I grew up with a largely emotionally-absent mother. We both have trauma in our upbringing. Learning about and being aware of about my own issues, I feel like I have worked harder than any man I know to understand and take to heart my wife’s need to feel safe and connected emotionally. But it often feels like I can never do enough listening, parenting our children and all that entails, sharing of the household chores, and healthy sharing of my own emotions to create that environment to be not only connected emotionally, but also sexually.

After two years of couples therapy, and many more of personal therapy, if often feels like this is probably as good as it's ever going to get. I can make sense of the idea that our sexual connections in relationship can have ebbs and flows. Sex happens maybe 9-12 times a year at this point, which can have 2-5 months in between encounters and a small cluster of encounters when it does come to life. Those encounters are often sizzling when they do happen. But in our relationship where there is so much uncertainty around being sexual, I feel like I’m in a near constant state of hunger, and that can be a deepening hole from which to create closeness. Often if I muster up the courage to ask to be sexual, the “no” can be triggering to one or both of us as I’ll often be characterized of not being empathetic or appropriately aware of where she’s at or what she is processing. Or again, there will be the pathologizing that the meaning I make of the “no” is more about having past feelings of abandonment triggered. I can buy into that to an extent in that those past feelings contribute to a greater sting, but in itself, having no practical access to my partner sexually feels more like the actual problem than a lingering symptom of some past unmet need.

I don't consciously question my wife's love for me or mine for her. She is beautiful, warm, lovely and remarkable in so many ways. But with our largely empty sexual component, the relationship can come into question where I wonder if this is how I want to spend the rest of my life. Without our children, I suspect we would have ended the relationship long ago. Am I in a relationship that’s essentially dead, but I just haven’t consciously admitted that to myself yet? Or, am I an ungrateful selfish fool who needs to realize this is just how relationships are and that I should consider myself fortunate for other fruits of our relationship we DO have rather than this one piece we don’t have?

Am I in a relationship that’s essentially dead, but I just haven’t consciously admitted that to myself yet? Or, am I an ungrateful selfish fool who needs to realize this is just how relationships are and that I should consider myself fortunate for other fruits of our relationship we DO have rather than this one piece we don’t have?

I can totally relate to this. It's a very painful place to be.
Did you find an answer to your question or are you still muddling through ?

We still have our ups and downs, but I do feel like we are standing on higher ground overall. We seem better equipped to understand that each of our respective traumas can get triggered by each other and can communicate that experience rather than making our experience about the other doing something to harm. This is not a perfect science, but when we are able to communicate when we're triggered, often more connection results. And with more connection comes more possibility for our physical and sexual connection to emerge.

I think I've made the mistake of believing a lack of sex was the problem in our relationship. In some relationships it can be, but in our case, I'm more often in the mindset that the root of our challenges lies within our inability to find connection with each other, and our sexual connection is a symptom of that dynamic. It does get more challenging to remember that when we lose our connection for what feels like a longer period despite our best efforts to find it.

It has not gotten better by itself, but through hard work as we're both committed to each other, our relationship, and to our family. This has entailed a commitment to my own weekly personal psychotherapy as well as couples therapy following the Emotional Focused Therapy Model (Sue Johnson). I've learned more by reading/rereading EFT for Dummies which has helped my understanding of surprisingly common dynamics of how our connection breaks down where we fall into our dysfunctional cycle. I strongly recommend it for anyone willing to pick up a book. It's much more cost-effective than weekly therapy sessions, not to mention the cost of a failed marriage...

To answer your question, I sometimes can still feel like we're muddling through at times, but less so. The answer for me seems to lie with taking ownership of how I get triggered where I don't blame my wife for me being triggered. It also involves a focus on the state of our connection as the central issue. I tend to now see sex more as a result of being connected. When our sex life cools off, I more often view it as a symptom of a lack of connection with each other. I have to admit, it is not all this clean cut as I might make it appear. But, I can say that that now versus when I wrote my original post above, I live with the sense that we're succeeding as a couple.

What about if your partner has made sex and intimacy a stressful thing by name calling and jst hateful words? It is hard to want to set aside time for your spouse when they don't make sex a pleasure able experience unless you do it when they want and how they want. Everyone needs love and acceptance but you should not be forced and made to feel guilty if you don't have the same desires as the other person.

Forgive him for the past. Work on the future. Learn to love yourself, and ask him what he loves about you. Replace harsh feelings with positive. Guys aren't that hard to figure out. Just spice some things up a bit, don't be so critical of yourself. As long as you aren't being hurt, what is wrong with giving him what he wants. Be sure to get what u want as we'll. You will learn to trust each other and things will improve. I don't understand how sex can be stressful, sorry. If it is stressful though try to make it beautiful, sometimes dirty. Stop being so critical of yourself. You two are together for a reason. (Many reasons I am sure). Take the time to talk about sex, I can assure u that it is extremely important to the both of you. It keeps him interested, and can turn that tiger into a pussycat.

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Please please help me !!
We married in Feb this year and I am already wondering if I have made the biggest mistake of my life...
We met in early Nov 2011 had a whirl wind romance and I moved in with him by the end of December. We had an active and fullfilling sex life, lunch times, lazy afternoons, late into the night, quickies in a morning, lazy loving lie ins on a weekend, although with hindsight I can see that maybe 8 times out of 10 it was me that initiated it.
There were a lot of issues to deal with in our 1st year, a close family member of mine was suddenly taken seriously ill with cancer and sadly passed away after 8 months, I lost my job, we became homeless, we had ongoing troubles with his son, 16yrs (who lives with us, along with my daughter, 15yrs) getting in to trouble with the police.

Our sex life dwindled away to almost none existent, I still wanted it and made all the effort but he wasnt interested any more and would avoid the issue, make excuses or find more important things to do ... like watching something on tv !!
When I broached my concerns and my longing for our sex life to return to normal, he told me it's because I was grieving and he didnt feel right, I reassured him that making love is a huge comfort to me, the closeness and loving is what I needed. Then it was because I was stressed with my work situation (fighting my boss and then unfair dismissal) I again reassured that for me sex is a fantastic stress reliever. Then it was that me being so taken up with work issues, the stress made me unattractive to him.... So I made a huge effort not to show any upset or stress at home, to keep what I was going through at work to myself. Then it was that we were out of work and efectively homeless (living with friends) The kids could hear us, he was tired, he was cross witth me, he was anything at all that would avoid sex.
All the way through this my view point was that life is stressfull, times get hard, sex is comfort, fun, bonding and FREE ! it's the one thing that we can enjoy, that will strengthen our bond, support and soothe us, and we can afford to do it !
I was very frustrated but I accepted his point of view and consoled myself with knowing soon we would both be back to work, with a home, and no stress and sex would resume.
I first became very worried on honey moon. We had a month in Bali, in a private villa. No kids, no stress, no worries, financial or otherwise, and still no sex. In a whole month he initiated love making twice ! I felt "starved". This honey moon was the banquet I'd been waiting for, always waiting. We made love maybe ten times on our month long, stress free honey moon, and the majority of those times I had to cajole him into it. I felt absolutely heart broken, and asked why, what was the issue now, in this beautiful place, just the two of us. It was then that he stopped the excuses and just told me, for the first time ever, that "I just don't have a high sex drive" I felt cheated but what could I do, I had just married this man. In the airport on the way home I bought a book to help make our marriage work (how incredibly sad that that's how I was feeling on the way home from honeymoon) The 5 languages of love. I read it and found out what I knew really, my language is physical touch. It explained exactly how I felt, I asked my new hubby to read it so that he could find hiis language, understand mine, and we could work to a compromise .... "what would i want to read that for ?" I told him because it's important to me and it could save our marriage, he wouldn't even read it.
Back home, 8 months married, a lovely new house, both in good jobs, kids settled well at college and school and both have jobs too. Things should be rosy. I have tried everything. We have spoken about this, we have rowed about it. When I kick up enough fuss we will have a night where we will then make love, possibly even 2 nights, but it's like there you go, that's your ration and then its back to starvation for weeks on end. I have tried drawing away, but that didn't draw him to me, it just meant that everything stopped. He didn't reach out to cuddle on the sofa or take my hand, when I drew away it just made it so clear that all of the affection is initiated by me, and with out any affection I felt even more starved.
When I do try it on, he will say "ow" or "that's not nice" so I ask him what do you liike, tell me how you'd like to be touched. He just says "I don't know" He will give me nothing at all to work with. What undies do you liike "I don't know" What turns you on "I don't know"
When we do have sex it is only because I have gently initiated it and then his body language is like he's not interested. He doesn't ever want to take control it's like he's just going along with the motions. I end up feeling like I can't enjoy it because I know his hearts not in it. If we do get into it and it's good I end up so overwhelmed with emotion after wards that I cant help but cry.
It's now got to a point that I feel so low, I feel unattractive, my confidence is almost rock bottom, I am so frustrated. I feel resentful that he decides if we have a sex life or not. Sex is as important to me as food is to him. If I decided he could have a slap up meal once a montth if he begged me for it, but he should be happy with that and not eat again for the rest of the month I'm sure he'd see that as grounds for divorce !! I feel that the connection between us is damaged so badly now that I'm not sure how to repair it. I have asked him if he'll go to the doctor about his lack of libido (there are no otther issues, no PE or ED at all just a total disinterest) He did agree, months ago, but it is so far down his list of priorities that he still hasn't been, as he has work, he forgot, he was busy doing something else, watching tv etc
I love my husband very much and I really wannt our marriage to work but I am not willing to live a sexless life, I am only 37, he is 36. This is totally destroying me and destroying the bond between us. I try to keep it under wraps as much as I can manage so I'm not nagging at him but to be honest my frusration and resentment are spilling over now into our every day lives. I have spoken to him and told him how important this is to me, and that I'm worried for our marriage but I think he just expects I'll get over it. I can feel my love for him changing. If I stay with him in this sexless limbo I'm scared that I will end up just seeing him in a totally platonic way. I don't want to waste away precious years and wake up to a new sex life with a new partner in my 40's or 50's.
How long do I give it to change ? What can I try to tun things around ? How do I make him realise that I'm seriously worried about our marriage ending because of this issue, without it putting even more pressure on him oor seeemingg like an idle threat ?
Please help me, I'm drowning. Any advice or insight would be very much appreciated

I can relate to the pain you are feeling in your relationship. It sounds very lonely and agonizing. From my own experience, I would recommend if you haven't tried already to consult with a licensed couples therapist. I would look for one who practices Emotional Focused Therapy (EFT) as it appears to be the most successful couples therapy model in the last decade or so. If you are interested in looking for an EFT therapist, visit http://www.iceeft.com/index.php/find-a-therapist. They will be able to help you determine if there are underlying issues preventing your connection (sexual abuse or shameful experiences around sex, for examples), or they might recommend or refer you and your husband for individual therapy. If your husband is not willing to attend, explore, and/or believes you will "get over it", I would consider that information regarding the possibility of something different happening in your relationship, as painful as it may be to realize that.

I'm sorry you are having to carry this. It sounds very painful. I know how lonely and frustrating this can be, especially when one partner in the relationship appears unwilling to work to better the situation. I wish you well.

I have been with my husband 15 years, and at the seven-year mark we got married… And at that point, I had quite a lower sex drive than when we first got together. We had our son three years ago, and ever since then I really have an animal sex drive… Full-time care for our son, all cleaning and cooking and also sexually gratifying him makes me exhausted. By the end of the day I don't want to be touched, is this normal? I get stresses from him and constant sexual pressure, of which, I like the articles above, I tend to back away. Not sure what to do, I prefer not to have sex for a week at a time at least, but he wants it at least three times a week… It's a constant battle. Tips? advice? :(

Sorry, that should have read minimal sex drive, not an animal sex drive.

I would be happy not being intimate, although I definitely enjoy cuddling and being touched- but not when I know it's going to lead to sex. Or I feel like he can't touch me without it leading to him wanting sex, and then I have to shut him down because it's either inappropriate timing, or his family is literally around us, or he's always wanting to find a way to make it happen… But I absolutely do not. Or I literally do not have the time. ( doing five things at once already )
:(

If you don't like him why not leave? You are acting like he's your brother or a friend. He's not and if you hate it that much then why not leave? Bigger question is why he would stay with someone that obviously doesn't want more than a platonic relationship?

You are torturing him. His life is likely hell. Why? Isort he that much of a monster? Does he beat you?

He's not pressuring you to stick his penis in your vagina. He's not trying to create more work. For men sex is an expression of love. It's how we experience closeness. With someone. It's not the same for women who want more of an emotional connection. He likely thinks you hate him, find him unattractive and unappealing, etc. It eats away at his confidence and well being.

If you don't want to have sex and he does then let him get it elsewhere. Otherwise you are denying him a major part of a male life.

Is it fair he gets way less sex because you force it on him?

Leave him and get a roommate, learn to desire him again or let him mess around. Otherwise you are being mean. If he hasn't already he will absolutely withdraw the emotional attention you need as well. Then you just live in negativity. Why?

Nothing produces more dopamine than sex and nothing is better to relieve a hard day than dopamine.

Question is: why did you stop desiring him? Sex isn't a chore, it's what lovers do. Why not work on getting to a place where sex is fun? Change your view of the situation. It's a chore and obligation because you see it as one, not because it's bad or inappropriate.

He will leave you and if you won't change your view the sooner the better as there will be someone out there who does want him and for whom keeping up the desire is worth it.

Also how much do you do that exhausts you can you cut out? My wife does so much for the kids it's nuts. She goes out and they are awesome, do it all themselves, even going to bed (one is 4...). Happily. She's creating her own exhaustion and it has come close to taking us out as well (exact reason you're saying, too exhausted...).

Prioritize. The kids will leave you, he will not. Do you want him to as well because you didn't put him first? Spouse first, all other humans after.

We fit this relationship description well; I am the pursuer and my SO is the distancer. I feel that we both do a fairly good job acting in the way described in this article, but a work in progress of course. While I think my SO makes a point to initiate regularly (which I appreciate) I still find it leaves something missing in me. In my head I get the love shown by making the effort to initiate sex because this is something the pursuer partner and relationship needs. However, (and this is the important point) I still find myself craving a genuine enthusiastic response to my initiation of sex. This is somehow different than fitting in to the task-time/ relationship-time balance. I want to at least occasionally feel like my SO is as happy that I want them as I am when they want me. It makes you feel wanted and at the top of the list. Am I wrong or misguided to feel this way? Is it simply not a realistic expectation? Any advice would be appreciated

To Frustrated Pursuer and Anonymous who replied, I know it feels like you've been "tricked" but as a self-proclaimed Distancer I can tell you that I didn't know I was a Distancer until well into my relationship with my husband. The dynamic of every relationship is different, and while some people may always show the pattern of distancer or pursuer, I can promise you that is not the case with everyone. I developed distance as a subconscious defence as I felt less and less comfortable with what was being asked of me or felt like I was being bombarded. As we tried to work on our issues and felt more at odds with each other, he became more and more pursuing and I became more distancing because we both couldn't 100% commit to solving root issues (like his fear of rejection and my fear of being trapped and violated). I want to meet my husband's needs, desperately. But the problem as usual is that desires and reality dont match up because there are mental blockages and no relationship is ideal. I dont know how my husband and I are going to solve this single divisive issue in our home. All I know is that I don't want to distance him, and when our instincts take over (mine to run away and his to get more aggressive in pursuing what he wants), there seems to be no way forward. If I try to approach him, he gets more aggressive still, and if he tries to approach me, I take the exit being offered and run. Neither of us is having our needs met. And let me be clear pursuers, marrying another pursuer doesnt solve this problem as in my experience the dynamic usually ends up balancing out the same issue. You may even find yourself being the distancer next time. And vice versa! It's seems to be about commitment to meet each others needs and handle the discomfort of transition temporarily as you learn to get to the good place. Then repeating that cycle when old habits resurface until the good place becomes the new norm.

It's unconscious. Get to a psychodynamically oriented couple's therapist or individual therapist. The good thing about unconscious dynamics is that as they become conscious - we gain the power of choice over them.

Some people are asexual , demisexual , etc , or just have a low sex drive. There may be some who use those labels , who do have emotional connection issues. Or maybe they just express their emotions , or only need to receive love, in ways that aren't automatically sexual.

What if distances weren't always distances what if you went from a perfectly healthy sex life to nothing after years? You look up 10 articles and they say cheating because it's a change in Behavior and appetite so? Is it becoming a distance or or is there something more to it?

I HATE sex. It went from me never being aroused because of the medication I take, plus I was in a psycologically abusive relationship (before the medication), where even begging failed.

My current boyfriend wants sex SO much, and I want it 0% of the time. We have to schedule it so I can mentally prepare for the pain I'm about to be in -- I can only muster to just "lay there". I sometimes wonder if this is "consentual rape" -- sex kind of repulses me at this point.

Twice a week we have sex, and I'm sore (at various levels of pain; sometimes I'm sobbing before it ends).

What do I do? All of his advances make me think he's trying for sex, but I immediately shut him down because they never seem to be "just because" he wants to hug me or something.

The horomones of a fellow mid/late 20-something is ruining our otherwise fine relationship. I want emotional closeness, not just sex for closeness. I want to feel loved and romanced just a tiiiiiny bit, not like this is my responsibility.

And yes, I've told him all this. He seems to care, but doesn't know how to impliment or be thoughtful....

I don’t want a brother (I have a great one, already, thanks), I want an SO. Reading your reply shows your lack of understanding for the situation to the point where you sound like a man in his twenties, or someone who might not be emotionally mature/thinking frequent sex must be part of a relationship. Not wanting sex does NOT mean you don’t want an SO — the two things are not corelative, whatsoever, especially when, as I said, I am asexual. Our relationship is an intimate relationship in all other ways, just not sexual. As I said, sex is also PAINFUL — this is an actual medical condition that affects a large percentage of women (has nothing to do with the guy’s “size”). Please actually try to understand the situation using all info given, NOT just the parts you feel like.

I am the distancer in my marriage and I cant figure out why I don't initiate sex with my husband, it seems to have started after we had our daughter 3 years ago and seems to have depend when he cheated shortly after having our daughter. We argue all the time about me not initiating sex and not giving him oral sex.

He always wants an answer as to why I don't do this but I cant give an answer ……………..?
I always apologise and say I will change but after a week or so it goes back and we seem to be stuck in a revolving door?