Monday, October 01, 2018

(an older picture of #TheWholeWad, but it will be a while before I can take another like it)

Some things I know, and some things I don't know.

I know I love my family.
I know family is important.
I know there are many shapes families take.
I know I love all my children with a fierceness I can't describe.

I don't know why my son passed away before he was born.
I don't know the complete degrees to which losing him affected me.
I know losing him wrecked me.
I know losing him made me stronger.

I don't know why people go through things that seem unbearable.
I don't know why sometimes people say we shouldn't grieve loss.
I know I'll see my son again.
I know things can be happy and sad at the same time.

I don't know what I'm doing with my life.
I don't know what value I bring or worth I have.
I know my kids have inherent value and infinite worth.
I know I should give myself the same pep talk I would give my kids.

I know I don't feel like I fit in, not where I live nor where I used to live.
I know I need friends.
I know I feel lost.
I know I'm trying my best.

I know I still guard my answer to, "How many kids do you have?"
I know some people think having one who passed away doesn't count.
I know they're wrong.
I know the instant, tragic camaraderie among those of us who have lost children.

I know during this week every year I need to be extra kind to myself.
I know I need protection.
I know I need comfort and support and love.
I know I need connection.

I know sometimes trying is the best there is.
I know I want my kids to know joy.
I know I want to be happy.
I know I want to be whole.

I know I love my husband more than I can describe.
I know he's exactly what I want and exactly what I need.
I don't know why we didn't come together until later.
I know there isn't a name for the shape our family takes.

I know Taylor is part of our family.
I know this connection looks different.
I know many things take a very long time to figure out.
I know there is room enough and love enough for all.

The most reliable way to get tickets is through ArtTix or ArtSaltLake. If you buy tickets second-hand, be smart: do you know the seller? Or is the connection to the seller reliable (friend-in-law)? So what if you trade an envelope of cash for an envelope of tickets in a McDonald’s parking lot? (I did that, and it worked out, so…) There’s no shame in doing it if you are smart about it. And while you’re being smart, also be safe.

Want to take a shot (shot! shot!) at winning tickets? Get ye the Hamilton App and go to the Lottery tab; choose your city of choice, and win a chance to buy up to two tickets for $10 each. Be sure to turn on your notifications for the app because if you win you've got a window of just hours to claim your tickets.2. It is NOT more expensive than seeing it in NYC

“Those tickets are so expensive! It would be cheaper to fly to New York City and see it on Broadway!” False.Last December I physically walked to the ticket booth at the Richard Rodgers Theatre (not from Salt Lake, from the hotel where we stayed in the city) and asked for the price of the least expensive ticket (I was on the hunt to take myself and six other people to see this show), and the answer was $425*. $425 also happens to be the price of the most expensive ticket if you buy directly from the Eccles via ArtTix. Now - unless you can get to NYC for free and stay there for free and eat and do all the other things one does on a trip sans cost, or if you have some special connections resulting in discounts, seeing Hamilton in NYC is NOT less expensive than seeing it here at home.

*I've also seen online tickets as low as $285; but taking into account all else required to get to NY (cost of time included)? You can see it for less locally.

When my then-boyfriend and I snuck into the #Hamilton Mixtape Concert,

1 December, 2016 (Thursday), NYC

3. Yes, the tickets are expensive.

With all due respect: get over it. If you don’t want to pay that much for tickets, don’t. And when someone does, maybe don’t make comments about it. I mean, you could, but...well, it can just be poor form to comment on how much money one spends on a thing, in my opinion.And, yes, people selling their tickets second-hand are jacking up prices to make a profit. I wish they wouldn’t. You know who else wishes they wouldn’t? Lin-Manuel Miranda. So there’s that.4. What to wear

You’re going to the theater. It’s a very nice theater. It’s a special event. To use the local vernacular: dress in Church Clothes, to be safe...but I’d say a range from business casual to formal would suit the occasion. I like dressing up. Be respectful of who you are and what you’re doing. Srsly, look nice and feel comfortable.

When my then-boyfriend and I went to see #Hamilton,

1 December, 2016 (Thursday), NYC

(he had purchased the tickets 25 January, 2016 [Monday],three days after our first date)

5. It’s cold in there

It’s chilly in the house of the Eccles Theatre. I wore a short-sleeved dress, and brought a wrap, thank goodness. I needed it. NOTE: if, when you put on or take off your wrap or coat or whathaveyou, you do so during the performance, please be mindful of those around you and how this action may block the view of those around you (this happened to me last week, and someone's coat blocked me from seeing a specific formation of choreography I was looking forward to seeing). 6. What to bring

You don’t want to bring a lot, because your personal space is limited in a theatre, and you want to be comfortable. But you could bring cash for a snack and a drink. I think you should. Speaking of cash, there is Official Hamilton merchandise for sale in the lobby. It’s the same stuff they sell in NY (though not as wide a selection), for the same prices. That grey hoodie? It’s so soft. Also, consider bringing cash to donate to Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS, a non-profit which helps support those living with HIV and AIDS, including locally.

When my husband and I saw #HamiltonSLC, 21 April, 2018 (Saturday)

7. DO NOT SING ALONG

Listen. I know you know all the words. I’m sure you can do Guns And Ships faster than Daveed himself, wtvr. I know your mom says you sing Burn better than the record (because your mom calls it a record). But everyone around you came to listen to NOT YOU perform. And they paid a lot of money for it. Respect yourself, the other audience members and the performers. 8. Turn off your damn phones.

Lady in front of me WAS TEXTING. WAS. TEXTING. DURING. HAMILTON. Guh. Just post, "Piss off, I'm watching this show now," on facebook, and everyone will know to leave you alone for three hours.9. Talk with your kids

Bringing kids? Cool. Me too. And I have been talking with them since the minute I surprised them with tickets about theatre-appropriate behavior (which they know, but about which I remind them often, and continue to), ESPECIALLY #7 above. And talk with them about the storyline so there’s not a lot of, “What happened?” during the show.

(We'll see the show together very soon,which will be an actual wish coming true)

Not sure if you should bring your kids? Let me say this: there is swearing (f-word, y’all) and (implied/discussed) sexual content. As for me and my house? This musical was the main, if not only, thing my 5 kids and I could all talk about together as we all worked to heal from a divorce, and so it has a special place in all our hearts as it brought us together in a critical way, listening to and discussing it for HOURS, swears and all. My youngest is 10 now; I’m bringing her, and she’s into it. Any younger than that? And not into it? I wouldn’t. (I mean...I'd want to enjoy, too, not be worried about keeping an eye out for behavior.) Also keep in mind: there are powerful moments of complete silence during the performance, so if you’ve got a kiddo prone to talking, even whispering, it could be a major distraction, especially during those parts.

...in a few days I'll share my favorite video from this surprise, which I can't watch without crying

10. Other details

Get to the theatre early. Give yourself time to park and walk to the venue, or take Trax (Blue or Green lines, Gallivan Plaza or City Center stations). Be there in time to get through security (standard for this show), take some pictures, look at merch, get a snack, use the facilities, and find your seat. And enjoy. Srsly. And let me know what you thought. I can, would, will happily, and have talk(ed) about this show for hours.

Thursday, December 21, 2017

I wrote a post for today's #LightTheWorld theme, For I was an hungered and ye gave me meat, and that post is here on This Week in Mormons.

I spelled it hungered, but they spelled it hungred, and I guess either is acceptable.

Feeding The Hungry is what it's all about, and SPOILER: The Hungry is my daughter.

It's a bit unconventional, but it's how I approached this theme.

And, it needs to be said (even though I say so in the post), the post was written with her support and contribution.

What I didn't mention in the post is this: while she was in treatment, she found and read my blog. Like, the whole thing. And she's asked if we, together, can write about her experience. She thinks doing so could help others. I agree, and do so with hope. So that's something which will be forthcoming.#LightTheWorld

Friday, October 20, 2017

John's daughter was married on Kauai October 10, in a botanical garden on a bluff overlooking the ocean. We all attended a luau the night before. The ceremony was beautiful and sweet, and the rain stopped just in time.

It was my first time on this island, John's second. Andrew (John's son) and Bonnie (John's mom) traveled with us, and we enjoyed exploring the island with the Shaka Guide driving tour app. John purchased three tours, and they were well worth it. Word of warning: the app uses GPS, which makes the tour accurate and fun, but it also sucks your phone battery, and quickly.

The trip was nice. It rained every day. Many beaches' undercurrents are dangerous and too strong for swimming, especially in the winter months. Did you know there are feral chickens on Kauai? It's true. They're everywhere. Don't feed them. Knowing this makes Heihei funnier.

Since we were looking for recommendations, and you might be, too, here's a list of some things.

To eat, we recommend:

Kauai Pasta - Great pasta, salads, and desserts. It's a sit-down, not a grab-and-go, so plan some time. In Kapaa, on the Kuhio highway; the parking lot is in front, so it's set back a bit from the road.

Sleeping Giant Grill- Recommended by a friend, I was skeptical when I walked inside to find a dog standing by the front door. Just the same, I ordered the Ahi Wrap, John ordered the Ono Tacos, and we couldn't have been happier with the food. This place used to be called Kilauea Fish Market, and was featured on Food Network for Best Thing I Ever Ate.

Kauai Juice Co - We actually just stopped here and I ran in, but looking back I wish we would have done this more than once. I bought a bottle of Pineapple Grapefruit Strawberry Lemonade and it was perfection. I will dream about that drink for a long time. I'd have loved to try more of what they offer. More than one location; we went to the one in Kapaa.

Beach House Restaurant - This is where you go when you want a nice dinner overlooking the ocean; I'd recommend it for a date, for sure. Get a reservation, and pay attention to what time the sun will set so you don't miss the view. The food is OUTSTANDING. It's in Poipu.

Uncle's Shave Ice - They have Shave Snow, which is shavings of sweetened condensed milk rather than ice, so if you're into creamy shave ice, there you go. But we totally recommend getting there early in the day before they sell out of the Honey Toast: it's toasted Japanese Sweet Toast with the center cut out and cubed; and that center is filled in with ice cream. Honey is drizzled all over the top. (Don't ask if it's Like French Toast -- they seem to not like that question.) A small order with macadamia nut ice cream is what we recommend, and yes, the small was enough for the two of us to share. We went to the location in Poipu.

Lappert's Hawaii - Get this ice cream. Just get it. Whatever you choose, it's the right choice. We went to the Hanapepe location, but look for it all over the island.

Ono Ono Shave Ice - John got this drink-thing called a Halo Halo (kind of a Filipino shaved ice sundae), which besides being tasty was also very pretty with purple taro ice cream on top.

McDonald's - Before you judge, just listen: you know the fried pies? They have one that's made with Taro. That's right, #PoiPie. Get one, just to say you did, and you're welcome.

Other recommendations:

Boat Tour of the Napali Coast - We took a sunset dinner cruise, so no swimming or snorkeling, but a buffet dinner was served, and we were impressed. We chose Holo Holo (there are other companies), and we liked it a lot. Our boat had a capacity of 49, and the crew srsly anticipates and attends to needs you didn't know you have until they offer. They're so great. You can only see the Napali Coast by boat or helicopter, and it's stunning. Take some motion sickness meds ahead of time, and dress in beach wear because you'll get wet.

I've been asked, "What was your favorite part of the trip?" and my answer is, "Being with John Dye." It's true. It's maybe too sappy for many people, but it's the truth: I love spending time with him wherever we are.

Tuesday, October 03, 2017

As I’ve been thinking about you this past week it occurs to me: in addition to being mother and son, we’ve got this kind of pen-pal relationship. I’ve always liked writing and getting letters, and maybe you do, too. Anyway, I’m rambling now about how I just feel like I need to give you an update because so very much is new.

I wish you were here to get to know John. We were married on 30 March of this year in the Provo City Center Temple. It was a beautiful day -- rainy, sunny, cloudy, snowy. All of it. A lot of happy, and a lot of sad (which seems like a weird thing to say about one’s wedding day, but it’s true), which is how life just...is. As my friend Tracy recently commented on one of my facebook posts: Life is sure a lot of things.

John is the best man I’ve ever met; together he and I have a lot to learn, and a lot upon which to improve. But here’s the thing: we want to work on it. Both of us. Together. It’s how life is supposed to be, I’m pretty sure. I love him a lot. And he loves me, too. As it is, today-- your birthday-- he’s supposed to be in Arizona on a trip for work, but because it’s your birthday, which he knows isn’t the easiest day for me, he arranged his schedule to be here to support me in missing and loving and honoring you.

Speaking of home...I’ve sold the house in Provo. It was built after you were born, but I thought you should know, as it was a part of our family’s life for 14 years. I almost lost it, but I worked so hard and refinanced it last year (ahead of schedule), and...know what? Never mind. You’re 17, you don’t care about this stuff.

Rae is 18. She graduated from high school and is All Growed Up. She lives with your dad & Betsy, goes to UVU, and works for the Auernigs (at Sodalicious in Springville, and watching their kids). She plans to go on a mission next spring. On Friday she’s having her wisdom teeth removed. (I just remembered, I had my wisdom teeth removed about a week or so after you were born…) I'm proud of her, and excited for her in this season of her life, and I wish I saw her more.

Emma just turned 16 a week ago. She told me the other day she considers you to be her best friend, though she hasn’t met you. In the past year she’s had some serious challenges...like, unreal. She was very, very sick. The good news is, she’s getting better all the time. She’s so kind-hearted, and brilliant as ever. She got a dog not long ago, and don’t tell her, but I think it’s kind of cute.

Clara is 13, and is into ballroom and choir at school, and making hilarious videos on her phone. She’s also got a kind-heart, to the point it sometimes worries me. She carries the weight of the worries of those she loves, and she loves...most everyone. I hope she sees her emotions as strengths, not weaknesses. She is a strong girl, to be sure.

Quinn will be 11 in one week, and he’s like a walking joke factory. Seriously, I don’t know how the kid remembers jokes. I can only remember, like, two jokes, on a good day. He loves dancing and has taken to reading. I think he has a crush on a girl in his class. His giggle is one of the sweetest sounds in our family. He seems to be into Scouts, which-- okay.

Syd is 9, and in the very best way just could not care less. In general. Although...she’s also very inquisitive. She loves to tell me she’s like a scientist because she asks so many questions, and that’s true. I worry she doesn’t have many close friends. Like, it breaks my heart. I still see her as a baby in so many ways (because she’s my youngest), and we still love to cuddle. We’re reading a book together, that’s fun.

You now have a step-sister (and she’s getting married next week), and two step-brothers. I think you’d really love Andrew. Your siblings are, straight up, his biggest fan club.

As for me, I’m just...I mean. I don’t know. Maybe this time of year isn’t the ideal check-in time. Let’s see...I drive a lot, still. I’m trying to finish organizing my things in the home I now share with John, a seemingly neverending task. I have many possibilities of What To Do Next: work options, go to school. For the first time in my life, I have some savings and zero debt (and also no property ownership, so…), which is surreal. John and I love to travel together. We’ve been to Montana, NYC, Italy, California (twice), and have plans to go a few other places soon.

So it’s been 17 years. As I’ve been writing this I’ve been texting with Carina. She asked me if it’s different this year. The truth is, I told her, it is different. Some crazy stuff has been going on in the world (man, if that doesn’t make me sound old), and this is horrible, but I actually had the thought that of all my kids, I don’t have to worry about you. You’re safe. Is that horrible? I feel awful that I even thought it.

But some things aren’t different. I miss you. I wonder if my missing you and talking with you like this (or in any other way) makes me appear, or actually, crazy. This week still hurts. This week I’ve still been extra on-edge, which is followed by extra sad. But I’m grateful Em’s bday is a week before yours, so we can celebrate, and I’m grateful Quinn’s bday is a week after yours so we can celebrate, and I’m grateful for you, though the time you had here was brief.

Speaking of birthdays, we’re going to celebrate yours and Quinn’s together this year. I hope you’re cool with that.