I found you on the internet and you seem the only solution to my problem! I was at a crazy party and I threw up on a rental tuxedo. What do I do now? Many thanks!

I'm so glad you found me! You have definitely come to the right place—not only can I help you out, I'm going to do so with great gusto. And here's why: Back in August, I wrote a column about toilet cleaning in which I mentioned that I love a good barf story and encouraged you all to tell me about all the places you're throwing up. And you've obliged! Thank you kindly. Next time, include more details on these wild parties so we can all live vicariously through your good times.

The thing about cleaning up after you've upchucked is that the fact that it's so straightforward, which we'll get into shortly, doesn't mitigate the fact that it's, well, gross. I can't do much to help the grossness factor other than to suggest that you dive right into tackling the problem without dithering around about it. The longer you agonize over how gross it's going to be, the grosser it will get as you psych yourself out.

On the Nature of Vomit

Scientia potentia est being what it is, before we talk about removing barf stains, we first must endeavor to understand the nature of vomit. Vomit is a protein stain. In the past, we've talked about other common types of protein stains, like those yellow sweat stains that blight your white T-shirts and substances like urine, blood, and sexual fluids that often seep into our mattresses. One of the things that all of those protein stains have in common is that they all originate from the human body, which brings me to this old chestnut of mine: Generally speaking, if it comes out of you, it's a protein stain.

The reason why I'm going through this whole science lesson instead of just telling you what to do about this particular mess is that protein stains are super common and there are good ways to treat them and also very bad ways to treat them. The one big thing to avoid when dealing with any kind of protein stain is bleach. Not that our Letter Writer is likely to pour bleach on his rented tux, but it's worth mentioning as part of an overall primer on the handling of stain types.

If bleach is out, then what to use? Well, you can opt for an enzymatic stain removal product, provided it's safe for use on the garment in need of cleaning, or you can use either liquid laundry detergent or dish soap. There are nuances to how they're used, however, which most depend on the fabric in need of cleaning.

Treating Vomit Stains on Washable Fabrics

If you've done yourself the great favor of throwing up on clothes that you can chuck in the washing machine, great! Well, maybe not great but I suspect you know what I mean. The first thing to do is to remove any solids, either by using paper towels or a slightly damp rag to wipe away fresh vomit or by using a butter knife or the side of a spoon to scrape dried vomit from the fabric.

Once the solids have been discarded, treat remaining stains with an enzymatic stain remover like Zout and then launder the item as soon as possible. The longer stains linger, the harder it will be to get them out, so don't delay if at all possible. Laundering will take care of both the stains and the smells, but if either are sticking around post-washing, give the garment a second spin in the washing machine. Sometimes it just takes two times for bad stains to come out.

Removing Vomit Stains from Non-Launderable Fabrics

Of course, the mess that we're here to address today happened on a suit, so we can't rely on home appliances to wash those stains away.

When working with vomit on a wool suit or coat, you'll start by performing the same debris-removal steps outlined above. Then, once the solids have been removed, you can treat the stains using either liquid dish soap or liquid laundry detergent. The most important thing to know about this process is to be sparing in your use of the detergent, as well as in the introduction of water. This should be a low-suds, low-moisture operation.

Dilute a small amount of detergent in a small bowl of lukewarm water. Using a sponge or soft cloth dipped in the solution and wrung out very well, dab at the stain, working in the direction of the fibers to prevent pilling or felting, rinsing the cloth and repeating until the stain is gone. The hardest thing about this process is being patient, honestly. Just work slowly and avoid grinding at the fabric or using too much detergent.

When you're confident that you've gotten all the vomit up from the fabric, flush the area with cool water, either by holding it under gently running water or by dabbing at the area with a clean cloth dipped in water. To dry, press the wet area between a towel and then lay the garment flat to air dry.

That may be all that's needed, and I imagine that in the case of our Letter Writer, that will leave the suit in a state that's good enough to return it to the rental place without being dinged for extra cleaning charges. It is, however, a very good idea to check the terms of your agreement to determine if there are surcharges for cleaning and/or late fees. Depending on the contract, you may want to have the suit dry cleaned and pay a late fee rather than returning an imperfectly cleaned suit and risk getting dinged for higher cleaning fees.

For those of you who throw up on garments that you actually own, you should absolutely send suits, sport coats, overcoats, etc. to the dry cleaner after performing the initial at-home cleanup. You can, and should, point out the stains and come clean (har!) about what caused it. Dry cleaners see everything, so you shouldn't feel embarrassed to admit what happened. However, you should do your best to remove as much barf as you can before you hand the suit off to strangers for professional cleaning, because that's just being a good citizen.

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