Porndemic ...coming soon to a computer near you

With the recent revelation of SEC staffers downloading porn and the fact that porn sites are among the most visited sites on the Internet, I thought it might be helpful to share what I have heard over the years from men in high pressure jobs about what porn does for them.

“It always works. I don’t know of any other thing I can do that so quickly releases tension. The relief I feel is more than the embarrassment or shame I feel.”

“When I am feeling tense as if the world has laid into me, I am not in the mood for ‘making love.’ I want to ravage someone as I have been ravaged and that is not a suitable fantasy or activity to do with my wife who is the mother of my children.”

“The less traction, the less purpose, the less meaning, the less effectiveness I feel, the more I feel like I am spinning my wheels, the more tension I feel and the more difficult it is to concentrate. Porn and – let’s face it – the masturbation that goes along with it is the quickest way to release that tension and (sadly) temporarily enables me to set the meter back to ’start’ after which I can begin to get some work done.”

“It’s not only about the sexual images, but also about a sexy and beautiful woman smiling at me, desiring me and saying to me, ‘Do whatever you want or like’ or ‘Your wish is my command’ compared to my wife or girl friend who when I reach over to try to initiate sex can give me a dagger like look that says, ‘Don’t even think about it!’”

“Meet Jane my mistress! (the husband blurted out as he pointed to his right hand, shamefully admitting to his wife that he masturbates more now than he did as a teenager and feels pathetic about it)”

What’s the solution? One solution is what we tell our children and what we were told in kindergarten… “Use your words.” What that means is that we should have a person or person(s) in our lives that we can go to and not only vent about what went wrong today, i.e. “I can’t believe what that miserable &$% said to me today” “What a f%$#in a$#hole so and so is,” but how we feel underneath, i.e. “I’m scared that I can’t keep doing what I’m doing” “I felt so incompetent today” “I felt so trapped today.”

When you get past venting and get to emotionally exhaling* and feel cared about when you do, that’s the kind of relief that keeps on giving and makes pornography less of a compulsion and temptation.

* learning to listen to others in a way that enables them to emotionally exhale is the core theme in “Just Listen” (AMACOM, $24.95) which explains why as the subtitle says, “It’s the secret to getting through to absolutely anyone.”

For 5 years I struggled to understand why my boyfriend would rather watch porn and masterbate than touch me. I crucified myself for not being pretty enough-thin enough-smart enough....I tried talking about it calmly and lovingly putting my needs and feelings last because what I really wanted to know was why he was so boring, unimaginative and silent during sex considering how much porn he watches. Is he unattracted to me cuz I don't look like that? Our relationship has been ruined because, among a few other things, his need/obsession with porn. I recently found out to what lengths he'll go and the depth of his lies he'll tell to satisfy his needs. He chose internet porn over any consideration for me, my needs or my feelings. Do men know what that does to the woman they profess to love selfesteem, how little worth you put on her not only as your partner but as a woman?I still find it the height of hypocrasy when the vast majority of men admit to the veiw that they are turned onby and would f--- a porn star but wouldn't date/marry/have a serious relationship with a porn star! WTF! I can't speak for other women but to me I 'thought' my man hung the moon but I can promise you that if he ever came across one of the women he watches, fantasises about and pleasures himself to he wouldnt stand a chance of doing the real deed with. But if for some reason she did- I don't think he'd like the 'performance evaluation' she would give him. How sad....

"Not news about men's motivations so to me the SEC needs to make some serious changes. These guys were working on my tax dollars. They know it's wrong to watch porn at work. I don't care what they do on their own time but this is a serious breach of work policy and they all should be asked to repay for the time lost or fired. Let's not confuse the issue."