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Today Pastry and I began the great wedding venue search. Thus, we have added our own new third definitions to the x and y factors of yore.

X-Confusion Abounds.

X Factor

a variable in a given situation that could have the most significant impact on the outcome

a noteworthy special talent or quality

Any venue with the possibility of fireworks and a reasonable open bar cost which does not require the sale of a gently used kidney (Irony?)

Y Factor

a widely used technique measuring the gain and noise temperature of an amplifier

Showing you or someone else’s feelings by the amount of Ys at the end of a “hey” in a text message (via UrbanDictionary.com)

the “WHY WE SHOULD NOT GO WITH THIS VENUE” factor of wedding planning (via The Pastry/Cucumber Consortium for Nuptial Planning Excellence)

We went to two very different locales, a more traditional renovated home venue at which the Pastry’s older brother had been married circa fifteen years prior and an avant-garde, flexible gallery space in the middle of a major metropolitan city. One venue included an outdoor fireplace, overgrown gardens, twinkle lighting in all the pecan trees, and the possibility for fireworks. The other venue included a very large white space, a small art gallery with a total of four seats, and the possibility of seeing a drugged out person literally shitting in the middle of a public art display outside the gates.

Please take a moment to ponder which venue may have made the decision matrix cut.

Hint: It was not the venue featuring a piece of dried poop next to a massive mural of Krishna. It was dried, slightly aged poop, but it was still obviously human poop just hanging out in public, in the middle of an interactive art display, next to a park, in broad daylight, directly next to an expensive venue. While staring at said excrement, we paused to ponder whether Pastry’s nice Midwestern family would enjoy this locale and then decided my hardened, more urban family would probably just step over the leavings, jaunting across the street to get a food truck street taco while Instagraming said poop-display with the hashtag #PublicPoop.

Beyond all that, the whole fireworks thing at the first venue is pretty exciting. But, all you or we are going to really remember from this day is…poop.