Ask A Dude: This Guy Won’t Have Sex With Me, Am I Getting Ghosted, Should I Be Worried About My Man’s Ex, And More

I’ve been getting a healthy number of DMs on Twitter and Instagram asking me all sorts of questions that seem to be perplexing to you women. I’ve decided to answer the best of these DMs in a mailbag because it occurs to me that some of you probably want to ask the same questions but don’t know where to turn. Welp, allow me to answer anything and everything about the male psyche. DMs are open, in case you want to ask questions. I’ll give you the straight truth.

(Some of these questions are abbreviated for brevity and edited for proper grammar because that’s how I roll).

Hey Max, I keep messaging guys on Bumble and often I never get a reply back. I read your article on having good openers to stand out, and that makes sense to me. Sometimes I do just say “hey,” but other times I try and get creative with it and often I’m still not getting a reply. What’s up with that?

Congrats! You made it past step one, which is the initial swipe. But, step two is where he’s scrutinizing your profile, either due to your pics, something in your bio, or your intro line. Likely a combo of all three. Keep shooting your shot, make sure those intros are creative, and the right guy will message you back.

Random question: An ex-bf just reached out saying “hey can I get my Georgia Bulldogs hoodie back? I want it back in time for the National Championship game, and there’s no time for me to buy a new one.” Is this a psycho move? Do I have to reply? Have you ever heard of this before? Is he trying to see me again for a reason?

This is a looney tune move. The audacity of this is actually impressive. Not enough time to buy himself a new hoodie? That’s complete garbage. Either he’s the cheapest schmuck you’ll ever meet, or he’s just looking for an excuse to contact you again. I say ignore him and keep the hoodie, but just know that it’s likely he’s reaching out again because he’s probably trying to see you again.

Max maybe you can help me with this thing that’s been bugging me. I’ve been on a few dates with this kid and recently I noticed he hasn’t called me by my name yet once. What’s up with that?

I’m guessing you didn’t meet on an app, because then he’d hundo p at least know your name, so I’m assuming you met at a bar or a party or something. He probably forgot it and is too embarrassed to ask. Next time you hang out, tell him a story and refer to yourself in the third person (maybe twice), just to make sure he knows your name. If he keeps doing it, I’d say he’s probably seeing a few girls and is afraid of saying the wrong name and blowing up his spot.

Is it normal for my boyfriend to still be friends with his exes? Should I be worried?

Normal? No. Worried? Not necessarily. If he’s friends with all of them, I’d say that’s better than being friends with just one of them, though. If he’s only friends with just one, he’s trying to keep her around for a reason. If he’s friends with them all, that just tells me he’s friendly. If his relationship(s) with his ex(es) makes you uncomfortable, you have to be vocal about this. You have to be honest and tell him, because if you keep it to yourself, it’ll boil over at some point and cause a huge fight. I’m still friends with a few of my exes, one in particular, but there’s a strong chance I’m still in love with her and yeah, all future girlfriends of mine should hundo p be worried about her. I’ll probably say how we were such great friends before, and how we remained close for so long after we broke up, which is all true, but it’s also a bullshit workaround because the honest answer is I’d probably leave you for her if given the chance. BUT, I’m friends with some exes with whom I have zero interest in ever pursuing again. So every sitch is different and the only way you’ll ever find out is by being open and honest and communicate your apprehensions to him. Or you can ask his friends what the deal is.

I know this is weird but idk who to ask about this. I’ve been hooking up with this guy and every time I keep trying to have sex with him he keeps saying no. Not sure what’s going on but it’s driving me crazy! What’s going on here?

My first instinct is just to be like, “oh he’s gay,” but I’m being facetious. He’s probably straight. He could be a virgin or really inexperienced and is just slowly working up the courage to finally do it. Keep being aggressive and letting him know that you want to have sex and if this keeps happening, then flat out ask him what’s up. Some guys (read: most normal dudes) get anxiety about sex with someone new. There’s a level of comfortability and willingness to be vulnerable with someone new that causes most mortal men to have some sort of anxiety about the whole thing. Now, most guys will just bang you anyway, but maybe this guy needs a little extra push.

Let me get your take on this ghosting sitch: I’ve been on two great dates with a bumble guy. Slept together on the first so I know it’s not the sex, and have made plans for a third date to have him cancel twice now – first was because something came up at work which I understand is out of his hands. Rescheduled for this past Sunday to only have him be too hungover to go out. I get that too, but I had to be the one to text and ask if we were still on which I didn’t love (was he just not gonna say anything?)
Anyways, he’s apologized for not being “too reliable lately” and says we should do dinner this week and that’s how we’ve left it. Half of me thinks he seems interested in dating (he always says he’s excited for our plans, said he told his parents & sister he was going on dates etc) but it’s also not gonna be great for my ego to get cancelled on 3 times in a row, so not sure what my next move should be. As of now I’m thinking I just leave it alone and let him be the one to reach out – if he really wants to see me again he can make it happen

You’re over-thinking this but I wouldn’t say you shouldn’t be a bit concerned. Work stuff happens; I have to cancel dates or push them off because I travel a lot for work and sometimes it’s last minute shit. It happens. The hangover thing I mean, honestly could have been true, could have been some excuse also. But that fact that he apologized and asked you to dinner? That’s a good sign.

However, you say you didn’t like that he didn’t ask “if we were still on for the date.” I normally will do a day before check and most guys do it, too. I’ve actually been burned before for not doing it, and it does strike me as a move he’s pulling because maybe he’s losing a little bit of interest.

I’d say you’re better off letting him be the one to reach out for dinner this week. Guys like a little chase. You’re still in the game, but proceed with caution. He may just have wanted to smash and is being too nice to come out and say it and instead is trying to ghost you in a round about way.