Well-said, Ms. Angelou! But like everything in life, this adage has a proper context. It does, however, point to a certain truth. People reveal who they are (i.e. their character). This happens in many ways, across many planes. Sometimes it is evidenced in what they say. Other times in what they don’t say. Sometimes it manifests in what they do. . .and other times in what they do not do. You have to pay attention to both what is present AND what is not. Both are tremendously revealing.

Beware of two common mental traps that prevent us from "believing" what someone is showing us (I am guilty of both at time!): ​1. Projections.

When we observe a manifestation of absence, we naturally tend to fill in the void with our own assumptions based on the way WE approach life. We also do the same when we see active behaviors/words that are seemingly inconsistent with our previous assumptions. This projection of thought leads us to confusion when we encounter conflicting information.

If we could abstain from inserting our own ways and assumptions into the situation and objectively observe things, “believing them” the first time would be a much simpler task. Because this is tremenedously difficult (if not impossible) to do, it is sometimes helpful to get outside opinions from trusted sources who will have an easier time being objective from an outsider's vantage point.

Challenge yourself to consider a number of possible narratives regarding your interpretation apart from the one you immediately hold, even if you are skeptical about those other possible narratives. Later, those interpretations can either be accepted or dismissed based on additional observations and evidences.

2. MinimizationSecondly, when examining our own lives and the lives of others, we tend to treat both negative and positive traits/incidents as isolated-- to interpret them as exceptional and unimportant, rather than typical and relevant. But once you step back and view things broadly, a lot of clarity is gained. Most traits and behaviors (present or absent) are not exceptional. While some traits are more prominent than others, be assured that whatever is observed is a part of someone’s character, for good or bad.

Our natural desire is to believe that if something only surfaces 5% of the time, for example, that it is not true. However, it is more productive to accept that something observed IS true; but instead of stagnating there, observe to what degree. Keep in mind that even a minor tendency is still a tendency. And tendencies have to be monitored because they typically predict future behavior. It is helpful to know what our own tendencies are and what those of others may be, even if only in a particular set of circumstances.

When in doubt, look for a pattern. Patterns do not lie. But they also take time. Time to reveal themselves. And time to observe. Like a thread running through a seam of fabric, you may only see one piece of it, at any given moment; nonetheless, it is still woven through, even when barely visible.

As a therapist, I often look for patterns. Patterns of thought. Patterns of behavior. Patterns of engagement. Emotional patterns. It has been my experience that I am usually not left empty-handed in my quest.

Oftentimes, we come to concrete conclusions based on patterns and repetition. We do not tend to comprehend things the FIRST time we observe them. Perhaps then, it is more realistic to modify this adage, instead to say “The first time someone shows you who they are, OBSERVE them.” And keep observing them.

This is the question many clients voice after sharing their true, innermost experiences within the confines of a counseling office. People often come to therapy expecting to receive subtle or overt confirmation that what they are experiencing, thinking, doing, or feeling is, in fact, “crazy”. Instead, they often end up discovering that their current internal experiences are surprisingly understandable; furthermore, those things exist for perfectly logical reasons (once you unravel the thread).

Feelings, thoughts, behaviors, etc. serve as a means of communicating—they tell us something about ourselves, our circumstances, our relationships, our context, our patterns, our needs---often multiple things. If we begin to view those experiences and/or manifestations as symptomatic, rather than problematic, we are a step closer to their actual resolution. Mental energy is best spent in the form of curiosity regarding the meaning, purpose, and function of those things rather than endless wishing that they would just “go away”.

The self- talk that you “should not” think, do, feel, or believe as you do is never an agent of change, as it is portrays itself to be. Rather, it keeps one in an unproductive shame and guilt paralysis. Perhaps it may seem counter-intuitive, but why not embrace the reality for what it is? Afterall, wishing something was untrue makes it no less true. If you are unsure about this, ask yourself how many times telling yourself not to feel something actually yeilded the desired result.

Thoughts, feelings, and actions change as processing happens, as we come to new conclusions, have new experiences, and/or find more effective ways to approach things. So often, we want the end-product without the process in between. Perhaps this is due to an unspoken fear that if we give things permission to be the way they are that perhaps they will never change - - that in doing so, we have somehow welcomed them to stay forever in the degree and manner they currently exist.

Ironically, it is precisely the giving of permission for things to be as they are that oftentimes moves them to change. When we allow our feelings, thoughts, actions/reactions, and beliefs to become concrete by externalizing them ( i.e. written, verbal, or some other expression), we at least acknoledge what it is that we are facing. To the degreee that shame keeps us hiding or dismissing those realities, we stagnate and remain frustrated that change has not occurred. The original concern becomes clouded and complicated with feelings of inadequacy and despair at our inability to manufacture change. Sometimes, we think that if we could only push harder or be more determined, our internal experiences might be different. We blame ourselves for being "weak". Often, we end up resorting to short-term, counter-productive, temporary distractions or the all-too-familiar self-castigation method . Yet, things continue to resurface, albeit unwelcomed, until we are willing to take a much closer, non-critical, observatory look at them.

Let's discuss the idea of self-validation. Validation is to shift the focus from our judgments about things to our understanding of them. The emphasis is no longer on approval, but rather curiosity—which opens the door for change. We all crave validation, a place of kindness, patience, curiosity, and understanding in which we thrive. We need it from ourselves; we need it from others. We simply want to be understood.

Often confused with agreement, we frequently decline validation to ourselves and others. For emphasis, let us clarify again, that validation is not to excuse something, but rather to understand it. It is each person’s own responsbility to pursue self-understanding. Even if we find it in other places, we still have to offer it to ourselves first and foremost. It is our own responsibility to stand behind ourselves and take ownership of what we think, feel, and do-- which is not the same as to say that we always want to think, feel, and behave as we do.

​Here is an exercise for you to begin taking steps toward learning the skill and value of validation: Write down all the things you have never wanted to admit or say aloud. Every last thing--especially the ones that make you cringe particularly hard. Admit them to yourself. Just be honest. Reserve judgment. It’s simply about awareness. Then let’s see what happens from there.

It’s not the entire process, but it’s a good start.

​As you review your items, allow me to simply remind you, that WHATEVER you wrote— it’s not nearly as crazy as you might think!

Obsession. Obsession. Obsession. Obsession. Obsession. Okay, you get the point. Obsession can best be described as a mental fixation. It goes beyond mere interest or even passion; it’s more consuming and usually has a companion compulsion. The conscious or unconscious obsession (thought) drives the compulsion to act. The accompanying action (compulsion) is aimed at alleviating tension associated with the obsession itself. Obsessive-compulsiveness has an addictive, almost manic, quality to it as the individual experience a sense of lost control over the amount of resources (time, money, and mental/emotional energy) dedicated to the fixation. Both obsessions and/or compulsions can become consuming and tremendously intrusive in one’s life. Sadly, many relationships and opportunities are destroyed in their wake. Despite all the damage incurred, the allure of obsession is that is serves a beautiful function…until it no longer does. Think about it. Our psyches, like our bodies, are designed to protect themselves, not invite harm. If they did not initially offer a benefit, obsessions would not exist. No one simply decides to have an obsession. They develop in autopilot as a function of this self-protective feature. Like addictions, obsessive-compulsiveness can best be thought of as an escape mechanism. Ultimately, mental fixation offers distraction from a problem, until it becomes an additional problem itself. It serves the same function for the mind as blinders for a horse; obsession blocks out everything, except for a narrow window. While blinders on a horse do not remove the reality, they tremendously change the perception of that reality. Simply put, it simplifies things for the mind. When things feel overwhelming and unmanageable, what could be more comforting than something manageable upon which to focus (obsession)? When things seem out of control, exerting control over anything becomes extremely gratifying (compulsion). Obsessive-compulsion is a classic example of displacement: trying to address one thing by managing another. We apply this principle often and in many ways. If relationships, circumstances, and emotions feel unstable and deregulated, thinking about controlling numbers, the shape/size of one’s body, productivity, the safety of one’s perimeter, or amount of bacteria exposure, etc. reduces the flood of mental and emotional stimulation one consciously experiences. Temporarily. Meanwhile, the real problem still exists. Furthermore, a new problem exists as the law of diminishing returns takes effect; the obsession-compulsion escalates in effort to maintain its perceived benefits. Eventually, it becomes painfully obvious that neither the obsession nor the compulsion resolved the underlying anxiety. Ironically, distress is increased due to the inability to control the obsession/compulsion itself. The human brain tends to pair things and create stronger associations with repetition (the neuroscience behind this phenomenon is fascinating!). Consequently, the process of changing obsessive-compulsive tendencies is not always a quick one, but it can be done utilizing that same repetition coupled with some insight. Behavior modification is only a partial solution. If the underlying purpose/need is not addressed, the behavior will simply manifest itself in another form. A good therapist can help you identify the origins and development of the obsession/compulsion and assist you in the process of change. Because obsessive-compulsiveness falls under the broader category of anxiety disorders, it bears asking “What am I anxious about?” “What does this help me to escape/avoid/alleviate?” Another simple question that can help you get to its source is “What need does this meet for me?” The therapeutic process includes gaining understanding into the origins and development of the obsession (usually surrounding circumstances and painful life themes are good indicators), identifying the underlying need that the obsession/compulsion is aimed at gratifying, addressing that need in satisfying ways , and/or learning how to cope when that need remains unsatisfied. In efforts to help you begin the creation of new brain pairings to propel you on your journey to freedom, I leave you with these last words: Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Okay, you get the point.

Needs. Pesky Things! We all have them.Some are universal and others are context-specific. While we don’t get to choose them (otherwise we’d have a lot less!), we all make conscious and unconscious choices of how to respond to them. Pay close attention to someone talking for just 10 minutes and you may notice that the phrase “I need” is thrown around with the generosity of confetti at a birthday party.Those who chaff at this trend often compensate (Ah, the need for homeostasis!) by, in turn, under-diagnosing needs. Minimalists tend to reduce a need to something without which one cannot live, even as pertains to mental health. The idea that one needs very few things to stay alive is generalized to other areas. Yes, we can live without many things...but not well.A need can best be described as a necessity or requirement. However, this definition requires clarification. Necessity or requirement for what? In the realm of mental health, we define a need as what is necessary or required for proper functioning. While you can operate without certain things, you cannot function as intended without their presence. Take your limbs, for example. While you can technically live without them, your need for them has not disappeared; it has simply transferred. Without them you will need increased support from others to sustain life (even more so when consideration is given to quality of life). While your new need for outside assistance may be met, your functioning has been altered because the original need for limbs was not satisfied.Like our bodies, the human psyche is also comprised of overlapping systems. Parts of the psyche can compensate for the sake of survival, but not without impact elsewhere.Often clients blame themselves for having needs, as if they somehow have an infinitely unproportionate amount in comparison to others. They punish themselves not only for having them, but also for failure to successfully diminish them. They berate themselves for not being strong enough to remain unaffected by pain, disappointment, sadness, fear, hurt, etc. Ironically, people who feel this way, do not have more needs than the rest, they simply have more UNMET needs than others. Needs do not simply disappear. As previously mentioned, they transfer. They cannot be squashed out and any effort to do so is both frustrating and futile. They demand a response.Defense mechanisms (denial, projection, and rationalization to name a few) are indicative of this fact. They are often a natural response to unmet needs without the discomfort of ever acknowledging the stimulus or our response. We all have needs that were not and are not perfectly satisfied (and subsequently, we experience pain) in varying forms and degrees; consequently, we compensate. It is often to these compensatory responses that people point as proof of excessive neediness. It is not the mark of an emotionally healthy person to have fewer needs, but rather to simply experience unmet needs and respond accordingly when they occur. Part of the therapeutic process is learning what your needs are, deciphering which ones are unmet, satisfying as many as possible, and developing appropriate coping mechanisms (conscious choice) for the ones that remain unfulfilled. Once we have mastered this process, there is less occasion for defense mechanisms (unconscious choice) aimed at protecting ourselves from perceived threats of pain. I just happen to know a great therapist who can assist you with this...if you NEED!

Therapists don't fool themselves...we realize that a counseling session invokes approximately the same level of excitement as a trip to the dentist. By the time most people even entertain the idea of counseling, they've exhausted every other avenue and feel just plain desperate. I’ll save the discussion of counseling as prevention vs. maintenance vs. crisis intervention for another time. As it is, most people who walk into a therapist’s office are already resigned that if counseling doesn't solve their problems, nothing will (no pressure, right?). The difficulties they are experiencing have become so intrusive that their lives seem unbearable in one way or another. Heartbreaking stories of people who tried one counselor and walked away feeling even more hopeless abound.If I can accomplish one thing today, I'd like to help align your expectations to alleviate future disillusionment. The process of finding the right therapist is a bit more like dating than a marriage; it may take several tries before you find a good fit with whom you want to commit and share your journey.Your intuition is usually a reliable guide in this department, and it should not take more than a session or two for you to determine if the right “chemistry” is present for you to proceed together. Let's face it, no one likes pain. A therapist is going to invite you to lean into the pain, to inspect it until you discover where it comes from, why it’s there, and what to do with it. Therapy is not for the faint of heart! You will be asked to struggle through it, so it's integral that you find someone with whom you can feel comfortable being uncomfortable.First sessions are primarily about establishing a connection, clarifying goals, and gathering/dispensing information.Those who expect the entire narrative of their life to be transformed in one session will likely walk away disappointed. While perhaps not life-altering, initial sessions do have therapeutic value.The importance of being heard and validated should not be underestimated.Just the act of beginning a potentially life-altering process can offer great relief. Mere attendance is a victory in itself. Many times during a first session, clients feel nervous, uncertain, and self-aware. In this state, it is not uncommon to find oneself at a loss for words, to cry (no worries…we keep an ample supply of Kleenex!), and to speak at an accelerated rate/pitch.Many times clients comment “I know this sounds stupid” or ask “Am I crazy!?” The irony of these remarks is that there is something terribly sound-minded and healthy about getting help when you need it. Going to therapy is just the opposite of stupid or crazy. While it can be intimidating to make yourself vulnerable to someone else, many are surprised by how comfortable they feel by the close of the first session.

Every therapist has a different feel and their own unique approach.If your first attempt is not a success, it is a counselor’s ethical duty to provide you a good referral to someone else. So if you have something that's persistently bothering you, what’s the harm? …Let’s Talk!

Author

Melissa Richards began her private practice five years ago in Tampa, FL and has subsequently moved to Miami where she continues to offer private counseling for individuals, couples and families. Speaking, writing, and counseling are her passionate delights! She loves to watch others heal, grow, and see hope actualized.