How to Stuff Your Face on the Road Responsibly

Six healthy food tips to get you out of town for the weekend without feeling crappy on Monday

When plummeting through the hulking wilderness of the far west of the Eastern time zone, without so much as a granola bar in the glove box, you can still find a $6 plate of bacon and eggs, announced like a burning electric leviathan rising from the tree line, at nearly every interstate exit. What you won't find—at least, probably not—is fine dining or even pretty-OK dining. So this isn't so much a guide to road trip eating as it is a guide to eating on the road—that is, when your goal isn't sight-seeing but getting from Point A to Point B, and when keeping your fast food intake to a minimum means a lot of truck stops (Ed. note: see below). Most of this guide will keep your stomach running smoothly. The rest is teaching you how to live on the Interstate.

1. First Thing's First

Protein should be your top priority. You're sitting in a bucket seat, not going for a jog, and your body can't handle a ton of garbage without the food pyramid it usually gets with regular meals. Instead of a bag of sour gummy worms, get a pack of almonds and a stick or two of cheese. Or better yet, Greek yogurt. You'd be astonished how much Chobani you can actually find at 5 a.m. outside Brinkley, Arkansas.

2. Fkin' Cracker Barrel

Learn to love this place. We don't have them in the West and they aren't prevalent in the East, either. But the closer you get to the center of the country, they begin popping up. First sporadically, then every other exit, as if there's a magnet somewhere around St. Louis that only attracts country cookin' and John Deere gift shops. Stop at the former whenever you can. It's cheap, it's a ton of food, and it's completely identical to the one you saw four states ago. Stay simple, and relish the opportunity to eat breakfast at 10pm.

3. Remember the Nutrients

Fruits and vegetables are harder to come by, so any time they're around, get something. California has a lot of roadside fruit stands. Most of the cleaner gas stations have carrot sticks and celery. A frequent travel companion of mine buys a Naked Juice "Blue Machine" whenever he finds it. Besides getting all your vitamins, your goal here is keeping your guts regular. Which, after a week of traveling, becomes more important than anyone would like to admit. Health food stores stock powdered greens, and passing through a major city's bound to yield a grocery store. Rule of thumb: pack daily vitamins of the B, C, and multi- variety.

4. And (De)Hydration

Drinking water might increase your total number of pit stops, but you need to suck it up. Along with keeping you running like a clock, you need water to fight sickness, keep your snacking down, reduce your road-borne stiffness and preemptively prevent a hangover (especially useful when stopping for the night in Wisconsin).

5. A Humble Word of Sense

If you don't want to eat fast food all the time, don't eat fast food all the time. There will inevitably come a time when the gas station doesn't have a convenience area but someone's still pushing patties across the street. All we're saying is, take it easy. An egg McMuffin in the morning isn't a damnable offense, but too many frozen pink frisbees, and that guttural feeling won't be easy to kick. Only you can prevent mechanically separated meat.

6. A Few Words on Truck Stops

These are the neon-licked oases and the Wal-Marts of the interstate. You can absolutely get a three-pack of National Lampoon movies for $5, but you can also find the widest variety of foods here. For breakfast, get a yogurt, a piece of fruit, and a granola bar with your coffee or water. Like the stationary world, eating a good, balanced breakfast is infinitely better for you than skipping it all together. From there, snack the rest of the day — jerky, fruit, and just about anything with Mr. Peanut on it. You've saved money, don't feel like death, and can justify a hot dog. Because it is, after all, still a road trip. And a greasy hot dog is just part of the voyage.

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