So if you haven’t heard yet, Derrick Rose went AWOL and did not even show up to the game on Monday against the Pelicans. Fair or not, it begs the question, is Derrick Rose a Russian spy? Think about it. Rose inexplicably goes missing on Monday , and on Tuesday Buzzfeed just so happens to release an unconfirmed report regarding the president elect’s sweet tooth for golden showers. I’m no Detective Stabler, but that timing is suspicious to say the least.

It’s obvious why the Russians would target Rose. He was easy. A fallen superstar, who just so happened to be in hot water with a sexual assault trial earlier this fall. Even though Rose had the money for a Jewish lawyer, do you really think he could beat that case on his own? Pfff.

He was desperate. Not to mention mentally fragile. Those two years away from the court in Chicago had made him easier to flip than Brody in Homeland. I’m not saying Putin contacted him directly, but I can definitively say he was propositioned and accepted a deal from the Russian government.

Well, it was finally time for Rose to scratch the Russian’s back. Enough time had passed since Rose’s verdict, no one would connect the dots. Well think again Russia. Not on my watch. I’ve seen enough episodes of the Americans to know Russian espionage when I see it.

Why do you think Rose didn’t contact the Knicks regarding his absence? Do you really think that Rose would be an immature, egotistical, and most importantly delusional point guard who would just ghost his team unannounced? Me neither.

The only possible explanation is that he was kidnapped by the Russians and threw into the back of an unmarked white van on his way to the Garden on Monday. There is no way he would throw a hissy fit because of a fourth quarter benching in the previous game. That’s not Derrick. I refuse to accept that narrative.