Just a little something i've been working on its about 1/2 to 3/4 done. Any good? should i finish this one out?

She called last night, looking for an answer.
But you never get what you want,
you never get what you desire, yeah.

She said that she wants us back,
and all those days that we mislaid.
Now that I am the one you need
where were you when i was
broken, beaten, on bleeding knees?
If you stabbed me in th back,
i'd mail the knife back to you
and turn around again
giving you another opportunity too.

You can call me till your fingures are blue
till ever inch of you is nothing more than useless
You can call me till your fingures are blue
till ever inch of you is nothing more than useless

lord of darkness

10-20-2004, 06:43 PM

She said that she wants us back,
and all those days that we mislaid.
Now that I am the one you need
where were you when i was
broken, beaten, on bleeding knees?
If you stabbed me in th back,
i'd mail the knife back to you
and turn around again
giving you another opportunity too.

this is the good part, I would get rid of the other verses and I would make it a little longer

You can call me till your fingures are blue
till ever inch of you is nothing more than useless
You can call me till your fingures are blue
till ever inch of you is nothing more than useless

the repetition here is killing the verse itself I think, maybe change the sentences instead of using them twice or just put the two first sentences without repetition

MetallicShineX

10-20-2004, 07:16 PM

She called last night, looking for an answer.
But you never get what you want,
you never get what you desire, yeah.

Nice verse, gets the feeling there. But maybe subsitute some words for bit more depth? I'm not sure if you want it to turn out to be in your face or not, but I guess a little mystery isn't bad in this situation.

She said that she wants us back,
and all those days that we mislaid.
Now that I am the one you need
where were you when i was
broken, beaten, on bleeding knees?
If you stabbed me in th back,
i'd mail the knife back to you
and turn around again
giving you another opportunity too.

This part is a bit generic, but I like the idea. As I said its good for the simplistic style, but maybe add something special to it, like add some flavor... For example, the broken, beaten, on bleeding knees part is nice, but you could increase the effect by exaggerating even more by adding amputated or some other word for the feeling.

You can call me till your fingures are blue
till ever inch of you is nothing more than useless
You can call me till your fingures are blue
till ever inch of you is nothing more than useless

This would do as a break down or building up verse that explodes. I can see it as either.

7/10 to be honest. It's not my interest but you did good for the style.

A_Perfect_Sonnet

10-20-2004, 08:29 PM

i didnt like it... scratch it

-=Hopesfall=-

10-20-2004, 11:09 PM

ahhhh "fingers" not "fingures" or unless it something that I'm just not aware of. "every" not "ever". other than that I would say its half bad.

BMM

10-21-2004, 04:03 PM

If you stabbed me in th back,
i'd mail the knife back to you
and turn around again
giving you another opportunity too.
[B]

i like this part but the rest didnt really appeal to me. not a bad job though