Life is Hard

Menu

#BeReal – Rose B Fischer

My father kicked me. Not often but often enough that my heart still hammers if I hear a man’s footsteps close behind me in the hallway.

My mother called me disgusting and berated me because my father “couldn’t stand me.” She accused me of trying to break up her marriage. I was 7. I didn’t even know it was possible to break up of marriage until she said it.

My younger brother was allowed to hit, punch, and kick my breasts because “he was just a little boy” and “if I wanted to play with boys, I had to take the hits.”

I was sexually assaulted by 3 different men between the ages of 8 and 13. It only stopped when I reported it to the police, but no one never went to trial. The police officer in charge of the case told me he didn’t believe me.

I got married at 19. My husband coerced me to have sex, refused to let me out of his sight, threatened suicide if I was gone for more than 15 minutes, and finally attacked me. Then he told a judge that I had abused him. He twisted me all up so that, twenty years later, I’m still untangling my real self from that damage.

I’m bisexual. I’ve spent my entire life hearing gay and straight people tell me to “make up my mind,” that “I am not welcome to speak about LGBT issues because I’m trying to pass.”

I live with several health problems, including chronic migraines and have a lot of food/dietary restrictions. Most non-meat sources of protein are off limits to me. I’m iron deficient and can’t eat supplements. Red meat is a staple food. Every week or so, I meet a welfare shaming asshole who’s pissed off that I, a person with a disability, can afford to buy better cuts of beef than they can. Those cuts need to last me a long time. I can’t afford them. I just NEED them.

I use a wheelchair. I’ve been living in an apartment without an accessible stove or bathtub for 4 years. My landlord recently threatened to charge me for repairs on the toilet because their plumbing wasn’t working. I can’t move because I rely on subsidized housing, and there are no better places to go in my city.

Last month, I had to turn down a paying job because if I took it I would lose my rental subsidy but not be able to afford the rent on my apartment.

Friends tell me they “have no idea how I live my life.” They “can’t imagine going through all that.” They tell me I’m “brave.” I smile and thank them.

Intellectually, I know I must be brave. I’ve lived in terror my whole life and found a way to function. That requires bravery in large doses. But I don’t feel brave.

I feel rage. I feel helpless. I want to scream every day.

Because I see so many people trapped in situations like mine, eating the toxic bullshit their abusers ram down their throats.

I see people who believe they “deserve” the lives they’re living. People who can’t get out from under because the factors keeping them there are so complex that one tug on the wrong piece will send their whole pile of problems tumbling down on them.

I battle with survivor’s guilt.

My brother is a heroin addict. I got out. What makes me so different?

I don’t have an answer. And please spare me the inspirational “you should give yourself more credit” comments. I give myself plenty of credit. But I’m NOT different from the thousands of people still trapped in abuse, fighting the rising tide of poverty. That’s the point.

I’m lucky I got out alive, and I’m still fighting quicksand.

I’m launching a site for abuse survivors called hardcorehope.com it’s a place for people to tell their stories, network, and find resources they need to pull themselves out of the pit. I’m actively seeking contributors, and I have open space on Sundays for survivors to tell their stories.

Rose B. Fischer is an avid fan of foxes, Stargate: SG-1, and Star Trek. She would rather be on the Enterprise right now.

Since she can’t be a Starfleet Officer, she became a speculative fiction author whose stories feature women who defy cultural stereotypes.

In her fictional worlds, gender is often fluid, sexuality exists on a spectrum, and “disability” does not define an individual. She publishes science fiction, science fantasy, horror, and biographical essays.

I’m so sorry you feel that you need to interact with people this way. It must be difficult for you and others. A life of drug abuse and living on the street is no easy road. Your second comment was confusing and seemed somewhat incoherent. Please be respectful of others and you’ll find you may not get booted from this site ! Just seemed very hostile and dishonest toward R.F who had the courage to write her story on b Real. Your responses (both of them) – creepy.

Hasty, you do have a talent for finding fascinating and brave people. Rose, your story is both heart breaking and inspiring, but, then great adversity often calls out great courage. I can’t help thinking of one of the touchstone stories in my life, Ursula K. LeGuin’s “The ones Who Walk Away From Omelas.” And the description of some of the themes of your fiction brought to mind “The Left Hand of Darkness.” I think I must look into your writings. Thanks to both for this. reblogging

Thank you for sharing your story. No one should have to go through the abuse you went through. And I understand the delicate way support such as rental subsidies work, often they are useless if for instance like you, they can take the subsidy away. I’m on disability so I can relate in a sense. You can’t get ahead, even though you want to. I’m happy you have writing as outlet and that you are starting up a sight to help those have been abused. Best of luck and prayers.

So sorry you went through that as a child and still struggle financially and emotionally, to survive that and then not have access to a stove or shower ? I hate your Landlord. I didn’t much care for your family either, the abuse – physical, emotional, and sexual – was clear, especially the lack of boundaries. Horrific. The shaming, the blaming, physical abuse, the denial and lack of love, respect, and kindness from parents whose job it was to love you.
Congratulations on leaving your abusive marriage, many women don’t have the courage to do that.
I liked the Foxes of Synn a great deal, I’m on the first book. I found your interview on Smashwords and was glad to read an opinion so real. The term FanGirl irks me and I was glad you didn’t use it ( I think, it’s late and I speed read many of those interviews ) FanWoman is more my style….
I’ve encountered oppressive hostility from Lesbiens for saying I was bi-curious or bi instead of a Lesbien. How nice of them. This was a long time ago, I think the scene has changed a lot since then or at least in the NorthEast. I don’t think labels work for anyone. Gender IS fluid. An aggressively flirtatious interaction with a woman can be just as much as a turn-off as with a man, the once over, the whistles, comments, or the ” brush.” In Kitchens I got that a lot. From both sexes. So I wonder who was trying to silence you and why was that their agenda ?

Hi Margaret! Thanks for your support. I’m glad you enjoy the foxes. I’ve had a lot of biphobic reactions. It would take a whole essay to talk about that, but maybe I will write one. (Sorry I missed this before.)