riots

According to reports from The Baltimore Gazette, anyone in Charlotte caught taking part in riots or looting will automatically lose their food stamp and welfare benefits for life.

“This is the only way that we can think to get people to calm down, take a breath, and stop stealing TVs,” said Charlotte Mayor George Higgins. “It’s only black people out there stealing, and it’s only black people that get welfare – well, you know, at least for the most part.”

Higgins went on to say that there have been several arrests made so far, all based around rioting and looting, and of the 20 or so people who have been taken in, 18 of them were on some form of welfare.

“Of course, the other 2 people who were arrested were not black,” said Higgins. “It’s astounding that the figures just work out so well.”

From The Baltimore Gazette:

According to multiple reports, city officials have announced new measures in an effort to curb the violence sweeping Charlotte since the shooting of Keith Lamont Scott. Any individuals caught rioting, looting, destroying property or otherwise reacting in a violent and unlawful manner will have their government benefits permanently revoked…

The announcement was made shortly after hundreds of national guardsmen and law enforcement officers took to the streets intent on restoring calm to the city. Whether or not the recent announcement had any impact on the chaos remains to be seen as the riots grind on into their tecond night. A curfew will be imposed and it is expected that citizens adhere to it or face steep consequences.

Repbulicans across the country have come together, at least on the internet, to blame the one person they say is the most likely candidate as the cause of the Baltimore riots – President Barack Obama.

“Obama is black, and this is all a black thing,” said young, white Republican Joe Goldsmith. “Obviously if we had a white president, there would be no monkeys rioting in Baltimore, stealing things and acting like animals, even if they are only a half-step up from apes in the first place.”

“Obama needs to pull his head out of his ass, and tell all his black brothers in Baltimore to get their shit together,” said old, bitter Republican Richard Brand. “Obviously Barack Hussein Obama is the reason that these blacks feel they can even get away with this. They know that in the end, if they get too far into the system, their black buddy in the oval office will just pardon away their crimes. It’s sick.”

According to several commenters on the internet, though, it’s the Republicans who are to blame.

“All you rich, white honkey bastards are to blame for this mess,” said Baltimore resident Jamal Carter. “If ya’ll whitebread mothers hadn’t installed white, racist cops into the police system, and if all you white cornbread bitches hadn’t built businesses in our city, selling your high-end TVs and laptops and cell phones, we wouldn’t have no reason to loot and steal. It’s clearly not Obama’s fault, it’s whitey’s fault.”

Obama, who could not be reached for comment, has only only 1 and a half years left in office, but has said previously he assumes that he has at least 4 to 5 more years of being blamed for every problem the country encounters.

Owners for the Baltimore Orioles say that having to play a game in a completely empty stadium is just par for the course, and that having no fans in the stadium is just ‘business as usual’ for the team.

“We don’t have a lot of fans as it is,” says Orioles owner Joe Goldsmith. “We’re not the Yankees or the Red Sox. We don’t have fans paying tons of money to see our players and our team lose over and over again. The fact that we had to play to an empty stadium? Well, that’s pretty normal for us.”

The Orioles were forced to play a game that, although televised, was played to a completely closed-down stadium due to riots and violence erupting on the streets of Baltimore.

“We’ve never had to close the stadium before and lock people out of seeing the game, but on any normal day, it’s pretty much empty, anyway,” said Goldsmith. “I only hope that the riots end before the next game scheduled at home. We did lose a couple bucks on concession and beer sales that day.”

As the city of Baltimore is slowly destroyed by looters, vandals, idiots, and thieves looking for a quick score, many people throughout the community of Ferguson, Missouri, say that they are just “extremely glad” that it’s not happening to them again.

“Everyone knows that the riots have nothing to do with this or that black kid getting killed by the cops,” said Joanne Reynolds, of Ferguson. “It’s about getting a free TV or that new weave. Racial injustice is the last thing on the mind of anyone who is out there grabbing a new Macbook as they burn down the Apple store.”

“Honestly, I’m just really glad that some other city is burning and it’s not happening to us again,” said Rick Hardon, also of Ferguson. “It was crazy that shit that happened here, but you know, we’re rebuilding our community. Baltimore will, too.”

Not everyone in Ferguson is happy that another city is slowly being destroyed, though.

“It’s an outrage, seriously, just insane!” said Jamal Clemens. “I really want there to be another death at the hands of police, because I only got me one TV and a PS4 last time we had them riots. But all my bros got the Xbox One, so I gotta get one of them. I ain’t got shit for money, though, so I gotta loot and shit. Freddie Grey was a loser and drug dealer and a plague on his community. Ain’t no one really giving a shit that he’s dead, are they? Hell no. They trying to get free stuff! We gotta have that happen again here in the Ferg.”

Chrysler announced today a new special edition Jeep model they are developing. The vehicle, which will be based on the Jeep Rubicon, is said to be specially designed to protect the occupants from riots and civil disturbances, as well as police and military actions.

The new Jeep, known as the ‘Inner-City Wrangler,’ begins its production run in January, and is already a hit with buyers, who have been putting down deposits in cities like Chicago, St. Louis, New York, Ferguson, and Los Angeles.

“We are very excited about the ‘Inner-City Wrangler’,” said CEO of Chrysler’s Jeep Division, Mitch Manley. “The ‘Inner-City Wrangler’, or the Inner-City Strangler, as we call like to joke, will come in both two- and four-door configurations, and is designed to keep you safe while driving through this country’s many lawless inner-cities. Protester in your way? Not a problem; large front bumpers will gently nudge those pesky protesters out of the way, but if they don’t move, over 15 inches of ground clearance will enable you to drive over them.”

“Bullet proof glass will keep you safe, while fire resistant paint will protect you from torches and molotov cocktails,” continued lead Jeep designer Harvey Myles. “Special run-flat tires will get you to work no matter what, while high-tech air filters will keep tear gas and smoke out of the cabin. Plus, dark, tinted windows will keep your race hidden from protesters. All of these great features will come standard on every model, keeping you safe from the jobless protesters looking for reasons to loot and riot.”

“I put my order in for one,” said Carmine Classi, a New York City retail employee. “I can’t afford to be late to work, and I’m tired of these protesters blocking the streets and bridges. I’ve been written up twice because of these people who stand right in the middle of intersections, holding their signs and being a general nuisance. When I get my new Jeep, I’ll just drive over the bastards!”

A young boy has died today because Ferguson protestors were blocking streets around the city, causing an ambulance to be stuck behind several miles of traffic. Joey Goldsmith, 5, needed an emergency appendectomy, and was being transported from his home to the hospital via ambulance.

“All these stupid people, they were out in the streets, wasting their time ‘protesting’ while my son died in the back of an ambulance,” said Maria Goldsmith, Joey’s mother. “If we could have gotten to the hospital, he would have been fine. Thousands of idiots out there, thinking they were changing a damn thing, and now I’ve lost my entire world.”

Throughout the entire country, protests based around the Michael Brown ruling have been popping up, with several arrests even being made in Boston, as well as New York during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. While the looting and riots in Ferguson have died down, the more “peaceful protests” are still going strong, but even those have been causing serious headaches throughout the city.

“I couldn’t get to work this morning because some group of do-gooders were out with their signs and megaphones, screaming and hollering. It wasn’t violent, but I’ll be damned if they didn’t hold up traffic. I was almost 2 hours late for work,” said Regina Myles, a nurse at a local hospital. “Look – it doesn’t matter which side of this cop shooting you fall on, lives are being interrupted by your ignorance. Get out of the damn streets, and do something worthwhile.”

“Well, not that anyone really cares how I feel at this point in time, but I was definitely annoyed at the amount of traffic there was,” said Officer Dylan Charles, of the Ferguson Police Department. “I mean, I’m certainly not going to say anything to these people directly, God knows what kind of shitstorm that could fire off. But really, calm down. Your protests are just dumb, and people need to be able to travel through the city without being held up. I mean for Christ’s sake, if I wanted to deal with fruitless protesting, I’d go to the Gaza Strip.”

Ferguson police say they are trying to work with the National Guard to keep protestors safe, and also keep traffic moving freely, so as not to kill anymore children or inconvenience anyone further.

Best Buy CEO Hubert Joly spoke to the press this morning about the company’s huge Black Friday numbers, and how 2014 turned out to be one of the best the company has seen in years.

“We had so many great deals this year,” said Joly, beginning his speech. “We had sales on all the hottest electronics, and we even had a 50″ TV with a better price than Wal-Mart had. It was just a wonderful day, and we are very thankful that our over 140,000 employees generously gave up their Thanksgiving holiday with families to come to work and shill for our items.”

Joly said that throughout the company’s almost 1200 stores, they were able to get almost everyone the product they were looking for, and at an unbeatable price.

“Thankfully, we had a pretty full warehouse leading into this season,” said Joly. “We had almost enough TVs, computers, and iPads for everyone. We only had 47 deaths this year, which is down from the 60-plus we’ve seen in previous years. All these people, all those crowds, all the trampling and fisticuffs, things are bound to happen sometimes.”

Generally speaking, there are fights, violence, and crowds so large that people are trampled, and often injured or killed, every year during Black Friday sales events. Joly says that it’s just ‘part of doing business,’ and one of the things that makes Black Friday exciting for the customers is the fact that they could not make it home.

“Places like Wal-Mart, they do a one-hour guarantee now, so you can be first in line or 2,000th in line, but if you’re there in the first hour, you’ll be getting your product. Maybe not right away, but you’ll get it at the sale price, and they’ll ship it,” said Joly. “We’re big, but we’re not Wal-Mart big, so stores like us, Target, K-Mart, Sears – we get to police our customers on our own. Just like the real police, though, we can’t always control the riots that ensue.”

Joly said that next year, they’re shooting to only have 20-30 deaths, and by 2020, they should be down to less than five.

“I don’t see it ever reaching zero deaths. I mean, even if the customers all behaved rationally and like normal people, we still expect at least 2 or 3 employees to die off from overwork,” said Joly. “Not that I ever have done it myself, but I imagine those 15-20 hour Black Friday shifts are horrible!”

In a breaking and developing story, the police officer who shot and killed Michael Brown of Ferguson, Missouri was approached by an angry mob and was shot twice upon exiting a 7-Eleven convenience store early this morning. Wilson is currently listed as in stable condition at Mercy Hospital in St. Louis, and is expected to survive.

A witness on the scene, Gloria Matthews, resident of St. Louis, told members of the Associated Press that she recognized the officer from television as she stood behind Wilson in line.

“Everyone in the store was whispering and pointing, it was really awkward,” Matthews said. “He paid for his items, which just happened to be a donuts, of course, and then I paid for my gas. As I walking out, I heard two loud pops that kinda sounded like firecrackers. I looked over and saw him lying on the ground.”

Other witnesses who were outside the store said they saw a group of caucasian men approaching Wilson as he exited the store. It was reported that the men were shouting obscenities at Wilson, and yelled at him blaming him for destroying their city. One witness, Rodney Kingston, said there was a brief exchange of words as Wilson proclaimed he just wanted to get home to his wife and watch television.

“He yelled back at the guys that he just wanted to get home and finish watching the sixth season of Law & Order: SVU on Netflix like a normal person. It was really weird and scary. The damnedest thing was that the guys who were giving him crap were all white, too.” Kingston said.

After Wilson was shot twice, reportedly once in the leg and once in the arm, he fell to ground, dropping both boxes of donuts. Kingston stated that the suspects who fired the shots ran away and jumped into a dark SUV, and then a flurry of looters “arrived out of nowhere” and scooped up all the donuts, lit fireworks, threw some bricks, and fled the scene just as quickly as they arrived. Kingston said he had never seen anything so bizarre in his life.

“Like four guys came from different directions, it was insane. They grabbed the donuts and they threw a couple of bricks at a nearby store, then they all took off,” said Kingston. “What the hell is the matter with this damn city, anyway?”

The group of men who shot Wilson fled the scene and remain at large. No other customers or witnesses were harmed in the incident.

Reportedly, at least two white women and 4 white men have died in the Ferguson Riots currently stemming from the Michael Brown ruling, but mainstream media – including FOX News, CNN, and MSNBC – are too afraid to report on these deaths, in fear of enticing white people to join in on the riots and looting and causing a possible race war.

Mildred Crocker was the first white woman to die in the midst of the riots. Her grandson, Dave Crocker, is outraged that his interview with local news station KKTY has not made it on any national, or even local, networks.

“My grandmother went out to get her prescriptions filled, oblivious to the chaos out here. Grams doesn’t have TV and doesn’t care about news. Anyway, she saw so many spooks at once she fell to the curb, clutching her heart. Then those damn black EMTs passed right by her, instead attending to some stupid gang-banger looking motherf—– with a gash in his head. Grams was 72. She could’ve lived to 102 if those jigaboos had gotten her in that ambulance right away.”

Cindy Vanthomme, 38, was trampled to death as the initial peaceful protests turned to riots. As she lay bleeding on the ground, other rioters reportedly trampled her, and stripped her of the nine Chanel and Gucci handbags s that she had been carrying, stolen earlier from a local pawn shop. According to her well-to-do white family, Vanthomme hadn’t personally stolen them, and had more than likely been intending to turn the handbags into police.

“We are trying our best to make sure that the current level of violence does not increase, so we’ve taken steps to make sure certain ‘stories’ stay within the area,” said Joseph Goldsmith, a National Guard spokesman on duty in Ferguson. “The local police have made sure to remove all white police officers active response duty, so if anyone gets shot looting, it’s going to be a black on black crime. The National Guard has taken similar precautions. As white people, we can’t take any chances, here.”

“We ain’t allowed to show white solidarity,” says a long-time Caucasian Ferguson resident, who asked not to be named for his own safety. “People are forgetting about the struggle of the poor white man. My cousin Jacob was shot dead in his trailer by a cop for pointing the remote control at the TV. When that happened, no one said, ‘hey that shit’s not right. How ’bout we bust into a store and get that new TV we been wantin?’ There were no riots when Jacob was killed. Maybe I shoulda done something, but I’m just so Goddamn lazy, you know?”

As the aftermath of the Michael Brown decision rages on, many people throughout the country are demanding more balanced coverage. Even obviously biased news sources like Fox News, who as the most stuffy, Republican channel on TV are often caught criticizing blacks and other minorities, continue to ignore the stories of white deaths. Sadly, it appears the deaths of Crocker and Vanthomme will pass by America unnoticed, while more and more violence continues in Missouri.

Comedian Bill Cosby has been the butt of many jokes and the talk of the media lately, as allegations of rape and sexual assault have sprung up from several women, including former model Janice Dickinson and Law & Order: SVU actress Michel Hurd.

Despite these horrendous stories overtaking his entire life and ruining a career most people assumed ended in 1992, Cosby has been relatively quiet about the allegations, only speaking once to deny any wrong-doing, and otherwise deflecting comments to his lawyers and agents.

Cosby had a new, planned series put on indefinite hiatus by NBC, a Netflix stand-up special cancelled, and even TV Land stopped showing old episodes of The Cosby Show – because obviously you aren’t allowed to be entertained by him anymore now that you know he’s an (alleged) rapist.

Because he’s prominent and black, Cosby was asked this morning about the horrors of the Ferguson, Missouri riots that are happening in the wake of the Michael Brown shooting verdict.

“Whatever keeps the news media off my ass is fine by me,” said Cosby. “My ass is old and tired, and doesn’t need this kind of abuse. Them Ferguson folks can loot, pillage, plunder, riot, murder – whatever they gotta do to make themselves happy. The longer it goes, the less people will be thinking about me. Instead of a 12-hour exposé on whether or not I raped a bunch of women, CNN can do one on race relations in Missouri. Now please – just let me enjoy my pudding pops in peace.”

If you’re feeling a bout of extreme pity or you have an unbreakable nostalgic urge for sweaters, you can catch Cosby on his national stand-up tour happening now through May, 2015.