Put down your pens, the exam is over. Come on, hand it to me. Don't you think I can see you in the back there? Yes, you, trying to add a few last touches to your illustrated FML. Stop it right now, or I'll get you suspended from FML's School for Lost Causes. Yep, in many parts of the world right now, loads of students are taking exams and parts of their anatomies are sweating profusely from the pressure. Nice image. Here at FML, we managed to find one high school student who had the time to make us an illustration and send it to us in time for the weekend. So, let's have a look.

This week, it's yet another bloody kid. Sorry, a kid. Yes, I'm a grumpy old bastard. Calomiel is 16 and she lives near Paris in France. She's currently taking her end of the year exam in French language and literature. Next year will be her final year in high school. She made this illustrated FML for us, and it's mighty spiffing as a character that Hugh Grant might play in a movie would say.
Of course, she has a blog which contains all her work and the usual bloggy stuff. It's in French so you might want to grab hold of your neighbour who talks with an accent to help you out with the jokes. I don't know her real name, though. She won't tell us. "I never give my real name, just to keep a certain mystery going." I'm guessing she means in relation to her illustrations, not say if she were driving around on a motorbike with a hole in the exhaust and no crash-helmet and the police pulled her over and started shouting at her. Or maybe she would say that, because she's absolutely bonkers. Who knows with these artists?
So, Calomiel, or whatever your name is these days, tell us what is that you like about your life. "I like starting from scratch, a simple white sheet of paper, to create little by little a character that I give life to, or an imaginary world that allows us to dream... It's this idea of creating, that's the main thing I like about drawing." This is an idea that is often mentioned by the artists and illustrators that I get to talk to in this column. It requires a talent for drawing which certainly don't have, as well as a hefty dose of imagination. Being able to draw people isn't enough, you have to be able to put them into different contexts and conjure up scenarios. Calomiel also speaks about the of the freedom she has to "invent anything, according to what I'm feeling at the time". It's true that it must be nice to be able to create alter egos and make them do whatever you feel like. For example, another "us" who would do whatever we don't dare do in real life. Without going too far, of course. Imagine your cubicle co-worker finding your doodles of her being run over by a steamroller; you might be misconstrued as a sociopath, no matter how good your drawings are.

Her projects include travelling the world, but to be able to travel, you need money, and as she's really into procrastinating, she's a long way from getting on that plane. So, nothing really in the pipeline at the moment, she draws for herself, and that's good enough for us. She's always done drawings, and loved arts classes in middle school, "except my teacher in 6th grade who was horrible" (a big shout out to you Mr Horrible, then). "But a few years later I discovered the blog called Yatuu, and digital drawing, and I gave it a go. I haven't stopped since, and for the past year I've been practising realistic drawings, portraits, etc." And very good they are too.

Speaking of favourite artists, she mentions Diglee, Margaux Motin, Miss Holly, Télégrammes, Marie Crayon, Barty and ZLGM. Carrying on into the theme of tastes and stuff she likes: “I LOVED: The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. Superb. Magnificent. And then there's "The Fault in Our Stars" by John Green. It's the first time I almost cried while reading a book, which is saying something. I can't wait to see the movie.” For someone as bitter as me, I like seeing someone so enthusiastic about something. The only times I'm that enthused about something is when I realise there's some hummus left in the fridge when I thought I'd run out, or when two guys start a fist fight in the street below my apartment, and they're too drunk to actually hurt themselves, and so unsure as to why they're fighting in the first place that it becomes funny.

And to finish off the article, a personal FML maybe? “I was touching up some photos on my computer. Concentrated and inspired, I was doing things one after another, forgetting to regularly save my work. Photoshop crashed and my work disappeared. Of course, it didn't teach me a lesson because I've done the same thing several times since." A classic mistake that we can all empathise with.

I thank Calomiel for taking part, I love your illustrated FML. Next week we'll be on a helicopter, flying over a large city, telling everyone though a loudspeaker about big pharma and chem-trails and... No, only joking tinfoil-hat brigade. As if. Until next weekend, have fun, be excellent to each other and fight the power.

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to contact@fmylife.com but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

So, is it summer or what? Can we get on with it now? It is June after all. I've got my jorts out, let me strut my stuff down the street and get my t-shirt wet from a fire hydrant or something. Anyway, enough whining about the heat, let's concentrate on this week's jungle-themed illustration. It's plenty hot enough in the jungle. Yes, there's a tenous link in there somewhere and I'm going to go with that. Let's meet this week's bright young artist!

LÉNA'S ILLUSTRATED FML

"I don't really have a hero because I'm already basically perfect and I'm a princess."

Self-portrait, Léna by Léna

OK, I'll admit it: this week I was on holiday. Yes, sometimes I take short breaks. I need to take time to get away from the hustle and bustle of FML so I can recharge my batteries, find the true meaning of life, get in touch with the real me, all that horseshit. Anyway, I return after a few days away, and nothing has moved. The pens are all in the same place, the cat is still laying on the keyboard... So, let me pour a stiff drink and introduce this week's artist.

So, who are you? “My name is Léna, but I'm better known on social networks as Skyechu. I got this from the name Skye which I stole from a game, to which I added 'chu', it's an affectionate nickname that I decided to keep." So, that's that. She's quite young when compared to the illustrators I usually receive in this neck of the woods (she turned 17 on the 2nd of June, so a belated Happy Birthday to her) ans she lives in the Paris area in France. She's created a wild illustrated FML for us, and even created a fake magazine cover to go with it (in French, as all fashion magazines are). Nice work, and we appreciate her going that extra mile just for us. You can also check out other examples of her work here and there. When I was 17, I was only just learning how to badly play the guitar and annoy people (which I'm still good at I suppose), so seeing Léna so talented at such a young age is filling me with hope for her future, she probably won't end up like me, stuck in a small flat, with two cats, annoyed at the world, with bad B.O., no particular talents, certainly not a talent for writing blog articles, naked, addicted to Big Brother UK and... OK OK, I've said too much about my own life, it's become depressing now.

Speaking of life, what's Léna's like? “I'm in high-school, in the year before last, in a scientific-maths class. I'm an average student, and I'm trying my hardest to get into art school after I graduate, if I do graduate, huhu." Wait, what? "Average"? "If I do graduate, huhu"? Léna, do you REALLY want me to come round with my friends from the art school to boot you around the playground until you get your ass into gear? What sort of attitude is that? Nah, that won't do. Then again, who am I to judge? I used to sit in the middle row of the class and just coast, waiting for the bell to go. After graduation, Léna is going to go on an illustration upgrade course, then choose between either graphic design or illustration diplomas. So, she has projects then. And after that? She wants to "publish a series of childrens books" for 3 to 6 year olds, illustrated the same way as her FML, with animals. She's already done one to teach colors, and hopes to do one next year about the alphabet and the world.

As for her drawing style, she reckons she lacks maybe a few "details" and knowledge of "her" anatomy. These are usually essential to make a character life-like, but in her case it gives her drawings a certain naive charm, and this quaint appeal will no doubt grow once she masters the few kinks in her style. We should keep an eye on her work!

When asked which artists she likes, she mentions Charlène Tabary, alias Chane “who makes really nice watercolor illustrations”, and in general, her life revolves around her boyfriend (who she mentions a lot during the course of the interview, so he's a lucky guy), shortbread (the scottish biscuit things), a few video games (most notably MMOs and League of Legends), "animals and the color pink". Her passion: "drawing and maybe singing very badly". OK, but we'll avoid that last part though. She reckons that she has no flaws because she's a princess. Hey, so am I. YES I AM. She says she's arachnophobic, but most sane people are, aren't they? It's quite rational to see all spiders as being 3 feet tall. It's safer.

How about something you really liked recently to end the article? “I mostly watch animated movies and I must say that the latest thing I really enjoyed was a song from 'Frozen' (which I really didn't enjoyed by the way) called ‘Love is an Open Door” So, thanks to magic internet, we can share it with our internet friends so they can decide for themselves. We thank Léna for taking part, we liked your illustrated FML. The offer to come and boot your ass into gear, that was a joke of course. I mention that in case our friends from the NSA and the FBI are back on my case. They've already been in touch about my repeated requests to be sent Jack Daniel's stocks in exchange for mentioning them over and over (never worked, though). Next week it's another illustrator joining us for another illustrated FML. Until then, be excellent to each other, and remember to wish your Dad a happy Father's Day on sunday, he deserves it after having put up with your crap for so many years. Take care. Oh, and and maybe I'll mention the World Cup next week. Maybe.

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to contact@fmylife.com but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

Summer's here and the time is right for dancing in the streets. Or maybe not, depending on where you live. Here at FML Towers, the weather is weird. One minute the sun has got his hat on, hip hip hip hooray, and everyone and his dog is out and about in the streets in t-shirts and shades, the next it's raining cats and dogs like Wales in... any month of the year, really. At the moment, it's nice enough to break out the choc ices, so we're going to make the most of the warmth and talk illustrations and exotic birds. Let's start the engine as we set off for a quite chatty encounter.

VINSS'S ILLUSTRATED FML

"I smoke while I work, I drink Coke while I work, I use the empty cans as ashtrays... and sometimes I get them mixed up."

Self-portrait: Vinss by Vincent

This week we're welcoming Vincent, AKA Vinss. He was recommended by a friend of mine, and usually, friend recommendations regarding artists are a bit tricky, and go, "Yeah man, my friend Jason, he so good at drawing man, he designed the car from Knight Rider and shit!" Then you check out this guy Jason's work and it's a few stick men and a smudge or two, and before you know it you're headed for an awkward conversation with your friend about how you can't use Jason's work due to "time constraints" and "deadlines". Yeah, people lie. Everybody lies. In this case, no lies were required. Vincent is good. You just have to check out his blog and the illustrated FML he did for us to be convinced. See what I did there? Con-vinced? Vince convinced us. Fine, be like that.
Vincent is 37, he lives in Paris and he's an “illustrator, cartoonist, freelance graphic designer and sound engineer for live shows in a pub." A complete artist then. I can barely play the intro to "The Boy With The Thorn in His Side" on the recorder. So Vincent, Vinss, how do you approach creating things? "Each day is different, the progression is endless and the fact is that being one day 'really' happy of your drawings seems like some sort of utopia." A sentiment that seems to be shared by many talented people. It's never happened to me, if you see what I mean.

His currect projects include a comic book called "Graoo", and is in the middle of creating a website/comic book blog with some other illustrators "so we can publish our projects without having to go through, or need, editors." I like this independent spirit, a bit like Postcard Record or Creation. Not sure what I'm talking about? It's not important, but you're missing out on some great albums and tracks.

As all of of us here at FML, Vincent has a thing for Clint Eastwood, sort of a hero-worship. But who wouldn't? Dirty Harry, come on, coolest badass ever (along with Jason King). He also reckons that he'd like to "sleep for a month, draw and live on 'love and fresh water'", which sounds odd but it's a French expression. I'd just make do with the sleeping for a month part. He admits that he goes out "way too much" and has "a tendancy to party with my friends which is slightly overboard sometimes." Here at FML, we won't be the ones to cast the first stone, since we're so decadent.

As for his passions and things he likes, Vincent recommends the comic book “Battling Boy" by Paul Pope, the book “Le Déchronologue by Stéphane Beauverger, the TV show The Killing and for music Gruff Rhys. Hey, I was just talking about Wales. Small world. His favorite authors are Franquin, Frank Miller, Alan Moore, “and many more.” And what about the authors he checks out regularly? "No one in particular. I look around the Internet, in shops, and when I find something I like it becomes a compulsion." I get the same way with a certain kind of animal-shaped biscuits, Vinss likes them too but I won't mention them because I've tried getting big corporations to send me free stuff and they never do, so no free advertising. How'd you like them bananas, big pharma, huh? Made my point.

He says he was inspired to draw by his mother: "She would give me a piece of paper and a pencil whenever she wanted me to leave her alone. I've always drawn things."

To end the article, Vinss doesn't have a particular personal FML, except that sometimes, while working he'll confuse the Coca Cola can he's drinking with the one he's using as an ashtray. Yuck. Anyway, your work is excellent: this week's illustrated FML is perfect. I'm going to leave you with the song quoted at the very start of the article because it's a good song and everyone should put it on loud and dance around, any version will do (avoid the Bowie/Jagger video, though). Next week, the weather will be all over the place, a new illustrator will be with us and we'll see how that goes. Until then, be excellent to each other, and may the force of David Hassellhoff be with you.

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to contact@fmylife.com but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

Hai its FML hear, welcom to da show! Ass yall now, we post everay months FLMS... oh no, sorry. It's just that reading submissions can sometimes wear my reading and writing skills. I lose all notion of what actual grammar is. Isn't he the guy who used to star in Frasier and Boss? Anyway, enough about spelling, it's time once again to delve into the weirdest and frankly most distressing FML submissions we've had over the past few years. I'll stop talking for a little bit now. Here we go.

As I've said in past article, anyone can submit an FML, but not everyone can do it properly. It takes a certain sense of... What do you call it? Oh yeah, sense. Common sense, brains, coherence. Something like that. This article is all about the FMLs that we've received that contain none of that whatsoever. Things that could've been sent in by your neighbour who eats his own hair while listening to mp3s of gunshots. That sort of thing. Anyway, I'll stop interrupting, and let you get straight down to the nitty-gritty. Here's this month's selection of FMLs:

Replica

today i fucked a cat, turns out it wasnt a cat. it was my grandma. this isnt a lie fml

Child soldier

Today my mom called me a good for nothing son and a failure in life I’m 13 years old and I write Poetry in my spare time I’M A PRODOGY. FML

Power of persuasion

Ok so ya c dis bitch waz in mai w8 room class at skewl. and im liek all buff and shiznit. SO i was on a masheen and da bitch walked up and i sliped and punched da ho. MAI BAD

Sleep dealer

Yesterday, I got out of a felony speeding ticket doing 105 MPH on the freeway, but 20 minutes later at my grandma’s birthday, I reflexively jerked my hand away from a dog I was petting because it was too smooth and felt like a vagina, inducing flashbacks. FML

Up

Today i woke up and found my nipple was cut off and cut up into many pieces…i didnt know what to do so i got up and saw my boyfriend eating the rest of it.FML

Explain

Today, a repairman came to our house to fix our vacuum cleaner. He located the problem- the middle of the tube was blocked by high amounts of semen. For the past 4 months Ive been masturbating into it because it feels good and leaves no mess. Now my parents are sending me to therapy. FML

Andro

TODAY WHEN I WAS MASTURBAITING AND MY CAT SCRATCHED MY PENISE OFF..!! IT HURT SOO MUCH AND NOW I AM A TRANSBISEXUAL WOMAN…..

Submersible

as i ws wlkin in2 wrk i nticd sum1 had lockd ther dog in a car as i turnd 2 wlk into the building i c ths grl i usd to work w/ w/ hr bf so i go up to hr and say “dsnt tht piss u off? that prsn shld b shot!” they glare @ me n i cntinu to wlk insid, as i trn bac i notis thm gettin in2 th car w/ th dog

Pelham Island road

Today I went to Germanys air port and got felt up by a 60 year old man because the metal detector went off. I also recieved a 16 year coke and threw up within the next ten minutes. I later asked fora chocolate chip cookie. He gave me muffin so politely told him he was wrong, and he said no u are.FML

Stress waves

TODAY MY MOM BOUGHT ME AN ALL CAPS KEYBOARD. NOW I CAN’T TYPE IN LOWERCASE. FML

That's it for now. We'll be back next month, same place, same weirdoes. We hope you enjoyed reading these, we certainly enjoyed compiling them. FYI: these are all compiled from the beginning of the website, so to all you clever clogs who've tried sending in stuff aimed at this page: Don't. Until next time, be excellent to each other and stop farting in elevators.

Bonus not-really-hidden, probably made-up track:

Describing bodies

Today, at work, I was getting to know one of my co-workers who i hadnt really befriended in the 3 years I worked there. We decided we would just tell eachother one random fact each time we ran into each other for a while. I told him once my mom was dead. He told me he was a necrophiliac. FML

For many, the weekend means parties, fiestas and getting right royally ripped off your tits on booze with your mates. But beware, excessive drinking while only eating handfuls of peanuts can lead to embarrassing situations. We’re going to learn all about these easily-avoidable situations with our guest of the week.

EDDY MAURICE'S ILLUSTRATED FML

"My projects? To carry on drawing Tintins as my grand-father used to say."

Self portrait Eddy by Laurent

Eddy is from Rouen in France and he’s 38. He’s been a graphic designer for the past 17 years, a “creative job which require a lot of curiosity”. As most of the artists that we receive, he’s got a blog, which is quite excellent. He’s done an illustrated FML which is also quite excellent and reminds me of a few times that I wish I didn’t remember, due to the fact that it’s about the bad side of alcohol excesses and the black outs that can happen if you over-do it. If you’ve never known the joys of waking up after a party and though, “What did I do last night?”, good for you. It’s horrible. You then have to call round and ask, “What did do? What did I say?”, then the memories come flooding back, out of focus at first then more and more specific until the point where you want to hide under a tarpaulin at the bottom of the garden. Never again. Until the next time.

Eddy doesn’t admit to having many projects at the moment, besides “to carry on drawing Tintins as my grand-father used to say.” For those of you who don’t know, Tintin is a famous cartoon character from Belgium and is well known around the world. If you’ve never heard of Tintin, what are you doing on the illustrations page? It’s like going on a music page and never having once listened to Revolver by The Beatles (hint, do it now, especially “Tomorrow Never Knows”, the ace up the sleeve of any Beatles fan when confronted with anyone who says The Beatles just were a wishy-washy pop band).

Anyway, that’s enough about that, what does Eddy like? “I haven’t liked any movies recently, but I have been eating up a load of TV shows. The biggest slap in the face was True Detective, and before that was the last season of Breaking Bad. I like The Walking Dead a lot, Game of Thrones and Homeland.” A man of refined taste, then. Except that whole Game of Thrones thing, I just don’t get it. Everybody talks to me about it as if it’s the second coming of Knight Rider (ie. the best TV show ever), but I couldn’t make it past the first 15 minutes of the first episode. I’m not a hater, I can understand that people enjoy it, but when I tell people I didn’t like it, it’s like I’ve said I don’t like chocolate, children and kittens. Help!

And what about Eddy’s favourite artists and stuff? “I still like Vatine and I love US comics : Madureira, Humberto Ramos, Travis Charest, Olivier Coipel, Dave Mc Kean and especially MIKE MIGNOLA !” And what about your personal life? “Right now I’m really into Hearthstone, Blizzard’s online card game, it’s by the creators of Warcraft. I’m totally addicted. It’s all I do on my iPad. I’m also a huge science fiction fan. And another fan who’s disappointed by the movies that have been released these past few years. The last movie I wasn’t disappointed by was District 9.” I’ve written that one down on a Post-it note for a forthcoming movie night.

And to finish off the article, how about his personal FML? Do tell all. “A few years ago, early morning, I was shaving when someone rang the bell at the foot of my apartment building. I’m not the kind of guy who shaves every day, despite my extreme hairiness. I was halfway through when the guy rang the bell, and I don’t know how but whoever it was managed to jam the bell, so it was continually ringing. I couldn’t take it, so I went downstairs in a hurry to unjam it, one side of my face clean shaven, the other still covered in shaving foam. I leave my apartment in boxer shorts and a t-shirt, and I slam the door… A DOOR WITH NO HANDLE. So, there I was, stuck outside, having to go to a nearby friend’s place in my underwear and t-shirt to call a locksmith. FML”

Yep, we’ll call that an FML all right. Thanks Eddy for taking part, for your great illustrated FML and yadda yadda yadda. Don’t forget to check out his blog. Next week we’ll be checking out a mysterious illustrator, who comes from a mystical place. Know who it is yet? Oh really? I don’t. Well, I do, sort of. Until next time, take care and be excellent to each other.

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to contact@fmylife.com but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

Chiara's illustrated FML

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Hello all you crybabies, from Land's End to John o' Groats. Yes, I'm finally here my lovelies. Since last week, my inbox hasn't stopped humming with the noise of new mail dropping into it, letters full…