Discovering Asexuality

Surprisingly, having a lack of sexual attraction was never much of an issue for me, in fact I think most people I knew seemed to assume I was gay, and that didn’t really bother me at all. I just wanted an easy life, so I never spoke much about it, someone admitted to me once that they noticed I didn’t like talking about girls and took that as a sign that I was either interested in guys, or just not interested at all.

Hearing or reading about sex didn’t help, it formed a horrific image in my head of a situation Inever wanted to encounter, it actually pushed me to become sex repulsed. During a difficult part of my life, I escaped for a month to a really peaceful area a few hours north of my home town in New Zealand, and there I started to dissect and analyse myself. The lack of sexual attraction and no desire to form a bond with anyone got me curious, and it was then I started to look up online for others who might be experiencing this as well, that was when I found the term ‘asexual’! This wasn’t so much of a ‘hallelujah’ moment for me though, I already knew I was that way, I just didn’t know what to call it.

From then on in I happily identified as asexual and was open about it if anyone asked, there was only one time did I become extremely confused, and that was all thanks to Tasha. We had been friends for a while, and I knew I cared for Tasha, but I had never been in love before, so feeling it for the first time freaked me out! I was concerned for a few different reasons, firstly – I didn’t want to ruin our friendship, secondly – did Tasha feel the same way, and thirdly – sexy time…

Though we both identified as asexual, I was terrified that the possible pressure of sex might ruin the whole thing all together. I’d never even considered having a partner before, so I didn’t know how this would work out. It was thanks to Tasha and their understanding, patience and reassurance that sex wasn’t needed which helped me to feel confident enough that our relationship was worth a shot!

It had always been something I was worried about if I did end up in a relationship, considering that only 1% of the world population identifies as asexual, my chances of finding another person who felt the way I did seemed extremely low! Yet here we are, from opposites side of the world, yea…We are still in disbelief that we somehow managed it!

Tasha’s Story

I wish that my experience with sexuality had been as easy as it was with Shane, but unfortunately it had always been a confusing subject for me. When I reached puberty I found myself being left behind, I was physically a slow developer, so I was often teased for my lack of hips or breasts by the other girls, and mocked for not showing interest in the opposite gender. My self-confidence plummeted so much that I tried my hardest to imitate my female friends, from looks to language and how they seemed to experience sexual attraction, and this continued for well over a decade.

I was singled out for not having an interest in relationships and teased for being a virgin. I felt pressured into proving myself, to show that I could be an attractive young female, and that made me feel even more worthless. The real catch here was that I was happy being single, in fact I loved my own company, but it was others who tried setting me up with guys, or reminding me that I was the only single friend that added unwanted pressure to how I wasn’t like ‘everyone else’.

What confused me even more about all of this was that, even though I wasn’t sexually attracted to people, I have fallen for them. I’ve been in love, I’ve had squishes, and this wasn’t just for the opposite sex. I’ve really, REALLY fallen for girls and non-binaries, but at the time I thought I must just admire the heck out of them because I didn’t want to jump into bed with them. Now looking back knowing I’m asexual it makes so much more sense to me! I wish someone back then could have told me it was OK to be in a relationship without having sex because that would have saved me a lot of upset after being riddled with the thought that there was something wrong with me.

Being in this relationship with Shane, having the opportunity to explore what it is like to not feel the pressures to perform has been amazing, and something I will always value. I do feel upset that in the past I was made to feel broken and unlovable unless I changed who I was, but you can’t blame the naivety of people, only hope to educate them so that they don’t do the same to others.

Your Story

Everyone has different experiences of discovery, so why not share your own in the comments below! Or perhaps you have a link to someone else? Either way, we’d love to hear what you have to say!

Please keep in mind that this is not an opportunity to invalidate anyone’s identity, and any attempts to do so will simply be quashed.

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Discussion (7) ¬

When I was about 14 I was completely boy crazy, I would fantasize about some random guy coming to sweep me off my feet and we would live happily ever after, all that jazz. But at the same time, girls around me were starting to develop and I’d find myself becoming fascinated with them. I thought at first that I was just interested because I hadn’t gotten breast yet and was looking at what was coming my way. But in my heart of hearts, I knew that wasn’t right. So, I tested myself, I hadn’t experienced (and still haven’t) my first kiss. So, I closed my eyes and imagined it, first with a boy and then with a girl. And I realized, I didn’t mind either fantasy. Later on, I learned about trans individuals, and realized, I wouldn’t mind having one as a partner either, going form bi to pan. After dating a guy that had confessed to me, I uncovered another part of myself. I didn’t really know him and I didn’t really feel anything towards him, then in introspection, I realized I had only ever had actually crushes on people I knew as friends first, so I researched and added demiromantic to my arsenal. And now that I know these things about myself, I’m a lot more secure in who I am as a person and hope that one day I’ll find my Shane or Tasha.

DUDE THAT ENDING IS SO CUTE XD But we know what you mean, it’s crazy how much of a relief it is just knowing that about yourself, and finding out that there are many others who feel the same way. It’s always fascinating seeing how others travel through their journey of self-discovery and how it can differ so much from our own. Thank you so much for sharing your story, we loved reading it!

Although I don’t feel secure in any particular labels due to my general lack of life experience, I really appreciate you guys giving your story. Looking back, I’ve been following both of your comics way before learning the ways people express gender, romance, and sexuality outisde of cishet and the big LGBT. It can be a confusing experience and knowing that asexuality could be connected to real people and amazing relationships outside of theoreticals is indescribably helpful with regards to accepting whatever I end up as. I’ve had every kind of crush and every kind of uncertainty. It’s still somewhat difficult for me to distinguish romantic and platonic feelings. Sometimes it feels like the whole world runs on a different language from me, taking every person and relationship as identical. And puberty doesn’t help with any of this. So I’m still looking and researching. Well, this is the first time I’ve actually interacted with one of you guys’ posts on any platform and I hope you take pride in that fact that you contributed a bit to some kid now questioning their supposed “default” identity. I know my story doesn’t have a satisfying conclusion, but I hope it will someday!

I have been vaguely aware of my gender and sexuality “abnormalities” since I was all of about 13 or 14. However I did not know what to call them, nor did it seem in any way “normal”. People at school assumed I was gay because of my lack of interest, this lead them to try and “prove” it by doing delightful things like holding me down and pressing porn mags into my face and claiming it as evidence when I struggled to free myself.

Eventually I tried to “be normal” and pretend to be like other people, I was convinced I was just “broken” and undertook many attempts to “correct” myself. Sadly it has become easy to pretend to like people, or to tell lies to seem like all those other “normal” people, to act in ways that will leave “evidence” of my 90% normal “straight cis-gendered” life. It an easy sell, people always like to accept that others are like themselves.

I have doubts that I will ever reveal my gender and sexual identities to anyone I know IRL for fear of the consequences. You only get one family in life, and even if they are not perfect, it’s better than not having one at all.

First, love your username. Secondly, I hate when people are abused or afraid to be themselves because of their environment, and while an apology from a stranger probably helps nothing, I’m sorry that happened to you. Third, what you fell are your “normal” and pretending is just that, pretend. You are still you and if pretending to be someone else helps with the bullying, that’s fine, but never be ashamed of who you are. Hopefully you can find a day when you feel comfortable enough to come out to someone IRL, even if it’s just to get the weight off of your shoulders.

In 2nd grade, all the girls were starting to date, so of course I wanted to date, so I did. All we ever did was hold hands and looking back, I never truly liked the guy. I liked the idea of liking the guy. It wasn’t like he was ugly, while I wasn’t attracted to him he was one of the good looking guy in my class, but I didn’t truly like him. Fast forward to sixth grade year, the thought of sex disturbed me. I didn’t want it anywhere near me and I was just told that I was just young and didn’t understand it. Again I got a boyfriend this year and while I liked him as a person as a couple it was just eh. We did kiss and it was just eh. So I figured that he wasn’t my soul mate. Flash forward a few more years and me and my best guy friend decide to date. This was honestly the best relationship I had. We kissed and all and it was fine, but again the thought of sex was just disgusting to me.
(Bit TMI) he would touch me, we never went farther, but honestly I didn’t like it. It was just an uncomfortable feeling. I wasn’t physically attracted to him either. I just liked being around him, playing video games and cuddling. (I’m a cuddlebug)
In this time I discovered asexuality. I felt like I could very well be ace. I did months of research before even deciding to call myself ace.