President Jim Ryan announces shocking new policy for finals

With the stressful finals season almost already upon us, President Jim Ryan has come straight out of left field and announced a new policy for the upcoming finals at U.Va. He has announced that if any student beats the current U.Va. president in a dead heat sprint across the Lawn, that student is then excused from all finals in all of their classes. This announcement came during a special interview held at the steps of the Rotunda at around 3:30 a.m., that I had the pleasure of attending since I was in the area attempting to steal bricks at the time.* Here is my run down of the event.

When I arrived at the Rotunda there was already a small crowd of shivering students asking questions. I came just in time to hear Ryan say, “These kids couldn’t beat me in their dreams!” He had apparently just announced the new policy and was responding to questions asked by a crowd of clearly intimidated reporters. “I have never met a man or women faster than me,” Ryan exclaimed while chugging an entire bottle of what appeared to be a dangerous mix of Gatorade and pre-workout powder. He then proceeded to contort his body into positions which closely resembled scenes from “The Exorcist.” When asked by the crowd why he just did that in a full suit, Ryan proceed to chuckle and responded, “Gotta warm up before I crush a new time.” He then attempted to tear off his suit in one singular motion but failed to do so. The reporters then watched helplessly as Jim undressed for a long, silent five minutes which could only be described as the definition of uncomfortable. It was revealed that under his suit he was wearing his running gear and an excessive number of sweatbands.

A reporter then asked what would happen if a student failed to beat Ryan in a race. He immediately corrected the reporter by replying simply, “When.” He then proceeded to say, “When they lose they will finally know the utter shame and embarrassment of defeat and that is punishment enough. Or maybe we will just make them the offensive coordinator of the football team.”

When asked if his new system could even be considered fair or ethical, Jim Ryan had an almost explosive response. With veins bulging from his forehead, Ryan began a very long-winded speech about how his passion for running had taught him the truth of life or some nonsense. This speech was very boring and cliché and sounded more like an inspirational vegan post you would see on Facebook. You know the kind. After his speech finally ended, most of the reporters had either left or had passed out on the spot. This left one final reporter with his first chance to ask a question. “There is no way I’m passing my chem fina —l can we race right now?”

Ryan eyed him up and down as if he were sizing him up. After a couple seconds a glint appeared in his eye. “Get ready to eat my dust.” I’ll exclude brutal details of the race but my God I have never before seen such raw speed. The race was over seconds after it started as Ryan seemed to fly across the Lawn, never once losing his footing or slowing down. The unfortunate reporter didn’t even make it halfway across the lawn before Ryan had already started his “victory lap.” To his credit, Ryan was graceful in his victory, restraining himself to only small boasts and a picture with his opponent for his “victory wall.” He then disappeared into the early morning darkness, leaving me and a hunched over, panting reporter. I hope this account serves as warning for those who think they can beat President Jim Ryan. You stand no chance. Just study — it will hurt less.

*It is important to note that Bannon has never actually stolen a brick and even if he did you wouldn’t be able to find it.

Bannon Luckert is a Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com.