A number of people, including Peter Preston in the Observer, wonder why the predicted chaos at UK ports and airports didn’t come to pass during last week’s public sector strike. Surprisingly Daisy May and Cameron have nothing to say on the matter. Why not? Well it’s simple. It was no last minute plan to have hundreds of police officers trained to operate the recently controversial computer equipment. It was no accident that a list of similarly trained civil servants existed. (True, none were competent in counter forgery and none will have had any knowledge of the immigration rules so many people not qualified to enter the country will have got in.) It was no accident and the plan had been tried out a few times over the last 18 months when some ports staff were engaged in a minor dispute with their managers. So who was the far-sighted person responsible for ensuring the security of the country’s borders and saving the Home Secretary’s skin? Brodie Clark, of course. He’ll get no thanks.

Another of Daisy May’s mistakes was trying to deport Katia Zatuliveter. The real villain of the piece (and security risk) was of course Michael Hancock but since he is a government MP she has to stick with him. (I noticed the other day that the Speaker repeatedly failed to notice Hancock when he kept trying to get called during a debate. Very wise.) Hancock has great enthusiasm for defence matters, trips to Russia and an apparent penchant for women. He appears to use his position as an MP to exploit gullible or impressionable women. (Like DSK’s policy of trying it on with every woman he meets on the basis that one in ten will bite, Hancock seems to go for those who are easily impressed.)

Obviously the Security Service spotted Hancock’s weakness and decided to do something about it. Their Special Branch friends started having words with Zatuliveter and asked her to keep an eye on Hancock. She declined knowing that, particularly for a Russian, getting involved with foreign security people isn’t a good idea and probably because she felt a laudable sense of loyalty to her employer. The spooks then start to lean on her. She needs Home Office permission to stay in the UK. They can make it difficult. She still refuses and, rather than be shown to be paper tigers, they concoct a story that she is the security risk and wind up the Home Office to deport her.

Fortunately the people at SIAC are not as easily deceived as the Home Secretary.

A full page advert on the back of my Guardian. Don’t get me wrong, I’m pleased that someone is willing to place advertising in the Guardian. I wish more businesses would do it. I also wish more shops would sell the paper. But, as usual, I digress.

“Did you really mean used carps?” The ad than goes on to tell us how wonderful their search engine is in ignoring what you’re searching for and taking you where it thinks you want to go. Recently, about the time of the presidential election there, I was looking up something on Kyrghizstan. Would Google let me? No! It was adamant that I really wanted Kurdistan. In the end the only way to get any sense out of the machine was to type the request in Russian.

So Google, mind your own business. If people want to find out about used carps (and there will be somebody out there who is really interested in them) just let them get on with it. People who want used cars will just have to take more care.

Igor Belanov (мужик!) reminds me of the value of hindsight and that it’s time to review my bets. I still think that it’ll be the Tories that takes us into both the Euro and Schengen. I’m happier about this since Michael Heseltine has suggested in the last week that the former should be the case and I’ve heard reports that Damian Green would like to offload some of our expensive and controversial border checks onto our European neighbours.

Bet number 3 is in the most danger. As Igor reminds me that I was sure that Dominique Strauss-Kahn was a shoe-in for the job of next French president. Did Sarkozy send him off to Washington to get him out of the way, or in order to give him enough rope to hang himself? Is Sarko that astute or did he just get lucky? Either way DSK looks unlikely to get a look in now. I hear he’s popped off for a break in Israel. (Someone check Tel-Aviv’s extradition policy, please) Figaro sugeests that his missus has asked him to repay her for all the cash she shelled out in the US for his defence and accommodation. They also say she’s been talking about seeing a divorce lawyer. Those who were quick to jump to their mate’s defence (Do you remember Manual Valls’ performance on TV, shouting down Angelique Chrysafis?) are keeping their heads down. Moscovici appears to figure in some of the SMS messages which were flying about, so he may be worried. DSK’s flat has been besieged by Ukrainian feminists wearing maid’s outfits. Perhaps the mood has changed but the only criminal matters that may come out of this (apart from a complicated charge on pimping) could be fraud relating to company funds used to finance the stag parties (I don’t know the English for this) DSK so much enjoyed. If no charge is forthcoming before the spring maybe he’ll just put it all down to his private life (which the French like to ignore in their politicians) and come bouncing back.