Monday, February 09, 2009

Know what really sucks? Pandas. You may "ooh" and "aah" over their cuteness but if you think about it, they're really stupid animals.

First, there's the diet. 99% of what they eat is bamboo, which is so nutritionally inefficient that they have to eat 40 pounds of that stuff per day. Oh, also, the dumb bears are really lousy at actually digesting it, resulting in a whole lot of bamboopoo. Not so smart.

Next, let's talk about that adorable black and white fur. Pandas live in the mountains of China, not the pre-house dropping Kansas from Wizard of Oz. Maybe the fur makes them cute, but it's horrible camouflage. In addition, they're fat and slow so you'd think disguises would be a higher priority.

Also, they have violent hidden agendas. They lure you in with their adorableness and then THEY EAT YOUR FACE!!! One bear in China has attacked tourists three times. It's not the humans' fault, of course. They're helpless against the powers of the blood-thirsty bear.

And finally, let's talk about reproduction. Pandas are notoriously bad at sex. They're even worse than that guy from your freshman history class. Yeah, that bad. Captive pandas just have no interest in sex, leaving researchers showing them videos of panda-porn and sneaking Viagra in the males' bamboo.

As if all of that isn't enough, they live in China so you know they must be communist polluters plotting to take over the world and ruin life as we now know it.

So there you go. All the reasons that pandas totally suck. Come back tomorrow when I share all of the reasons that Queen is the worst rock band EVER.

Wow, I used to love pandas....but now I'm not going to. I wasn't fully aware of their viciousness. I wonder if I should also be suspect of koalas (hello, are you a bear or are you not!!) and kangaroos (dude, what do you have in your pouch!!) and lemurs (nothing should be able to hop like that!).Thanks for this highly important info!!!

About Me

It's a blog. I'll probably write stuff in it.
Me, I'm married, no kids, two cats, one boring job. My life isn't that exciting so I like to complicate things with overthinking, health issues, and anxiety attacks. I also enjoy reading, writing, travel (if I could control the anxiety attacks), wine, hockey, and music. And long walks on the beach. And a sugar daddy.