Threesome Rules

If You've Ever Fantasized About A Threesome, You Need To Read This

Ask any guy what's on his sex bucket list, and a threesome is likely the first bullet point. And if he's been lucky enough to already have one, the line item probably reads, "Have another threesome."

Why? Because what else could possibly be better than having not one, but two people in bed with you to get nasty with? I mean sure, there are some practicalities involved. For instance, you need to find a third willing partner that your partner is also down with. And of course, there's the art of making sure that no one feels too left out during the act. But when it's done correctly, there's pretty much nothing that tops a steamy, successful ménage à trois.

So how do you go about having one of your own? Thanks to dating sites and apps, finding a third has gone from just hoping that you meet a willing partner at the bar to having a whole pool of potential thirds to choose from. But once you find that special number three, what now? Do you invite her over to your place? What if you meet in person, and you decide it's not the right fit? (See what I did there?). To make sure all parties involved have the best threesome experience ever, we've put together a handy guide to help you get there. From how to facilitate one, things to always avoid, and even how to act after it's all over, here's everything you need to know about inviting a guest star into the sack with you.

Should You Do It?

Your body's saying let's go. And so is your partner. But under what circumstances (if any) should you avoid going through with it? According to relationship expert April Masini, don't do it unless you're OK with it meaning endgame for you and your partner. "If you’re going to have a threesome, its best had in a relationship that isn’t a serious one," she cautions. "If you’re dating someone long-term, a threesome can spell the end of the relationship — in invisible ink that you won’t see until well after the event. Threesomes tend to break up serious relationships so if you want to have one, make sure you’re not risking a valuable relationship by doing so."

So how can you evaluate the writing on the wall? In the Good in Bed Guide to 52 Weeks of Amazing Sex, authors discuss how to gauge whether or not this scenario is actually something that your partner is OK with. For example, can you two discuss other sexual topics openly and without embarrassment? If so, things are probably going to go a lot more smoothly. Start off by enjoying the concept of a threesome as a sexy secret fantasy between the two of you. Pretend you’re going to have one and choose celebrities or random people from a crowd that appeal to you both. Now gauge your partner’s reaction. Does she show a spark of interest in the real thing? Has this conversation come from the two of you genuinely being intrigued by trying something new in bed together? Or is it because the two of you are in a "rut?"

If you answered the latter, be aware that a threesome has more potential to hurt your relationship than it does to help it. "[Many] women have a tendency to try to leverage sex into love, so what may seem like an inspired idea to you, may seem to her like you’re deepening your commitment to her because she’s doing this threesome for you," says Masini. "Even if you spell it out ahead of time, it still happens. Understand that your girlfriend may see the threesome as a commitment sacrifice that she’s making in order to earn your love and further commitment to her."

Another thing to consider? Especially if you're in said relationship "rut," bringing a third person into the bedroom can mean that your partner ends up choosing that guest star over you. "You may have an incredibly hot sex life already, but know that sometimes your partner will prefer the third over you!" says Masini. "It happens. I’ve gotten questions from heartbroken guys on my relationship advice forum, asking for help after a threesome led a partner to seek out the third, on her own, privately. The math doesn’t always add up. Sometimes threesomes turn into twosomes, by subtracting one of you. Threesomes crack the door to opportunity."

That being said, if your relationship is in a healthy place and you're simply looking to experiment, then you should by all means move forward toward the threeway promised land. Here's how to do it:

1. Finding A Third

Obviously, whoever you ask to be your guest star is going to play a crucial role in whether or not this threesome is a solid experience. So with that being said, you and your partner will need to choose wisely. The first step? Get on the same page about what type of third you're looking for, and why.

Someone You Know

There are a few obvious pros and cons to inviting someone you or your partner (or both of you) are acquainted with. If it's a female friend of yours, be prepared for accusations to fly. Even the most chill woman will likely feel some type of way about you suggesting your supposed "platonic" lady friend to join in on your festivities. And if even if your lady is the one making the suggestion, it's likely a trap that you're walking right into. Basically, this one's a no-go. It's still a tricky situation if the third she's suggesting happens to be someone that she's friendly with. So you really want to use your best judgment here.

A few questions to ask yourself about the friend that she's volunteering for the role: Has she ever made an offhanded remark that would insinuate she'd be jealous of this potential third? For example, have you asked her how her girl's night out was, and her response was to tell you about how every guy at the bar hit on her friend? If so, that's probably a sign that you're going to be accused of liking that friend more than you should once this threesome is over – just like "all the other guys do." Sure, there are always exceptions, and it's completely possible that one of you has a friend who would make an ideal third, and everything would work out swimmingly – even after it's all over. But generally, a third that neither of you know is a safer bet here.

A Stranger

If you've decided to go the random route, you have two options: Either take your search out to the bar, or go online. The pros of scoping out a third the old fashioned way? You can tell whether or not the three of you have chemistry, and you and your partner can talk things out with each other before approaching the...err...target. Of course, whether or not the person you're approaching is up for it is a challenge that you wouldn't have to deal with if you were going the app route. But spending the night out with your partner scoping out someone you'd want to bring home is inherently sexy, and both of you are obviously going to go at it later even if you don't bring someone home. Not a bad deal.

If you're taking your search online, try 3nder, an app dedicated to facilitating threesomes between couples and singles who are down for a ménage à trois. It works the exact same way as Tinder does in terms of functionality – meaning you can search by distance, age and gender, and you're only matched if both parties have swiped right on each other. The only difference being, you and your lady share the same profile, and you're looking for a third together. Pro tip: Meet your potential guest star IRL before committing. Just as with online dating, someone can seem like a perfect match via text and photos, but a lot can be lacking when you meet up face to face – whether there's just no chemistry, or the pictures from their profile were a bit misleading. Plus, you'll probably want to vet this person before inviting them into your home.

Another Dude

I'm going to let you in on a little secret here: Women fantasize about having threesomes, too. With two dudes. Listen, we totally know that it's a tough ask. And seriously, you guys really don't even need to do anything to each other during it. As long as both of you are down to be naked in front of each other, and give us all of the attention until we finish, we're completely happy. But if your partner asks for this and you're not comfortable, don't force yourself into it. Seriously, she'll know, and that'll just ruin the whole thing. Not having a threesome is much better than having an unenthusiastic one. Plus, if you're the jealous type, watching some other guy with your partner is probably not for you.

2. Before The Threesome

So, you've found your third person. In order to make sure everything else goes off without a hitch, it's time to set some ground rules, and figure out a game plan. An easy first step should be to figure out where you're having it. If you and your partner are most comfortable having it happen at your place, talk about where in your home or apartment the action is going to go down. Maybe your partner would prefer that you guys keep it out of your personal room, and instead utilize the couch or spare room you have. Or maybe you want to start things off with a steamy group shower, and move from there. The more logistics you can nail down, the more seamless the whole thing will go.

Not sexy, but necessary: Ask that the person joining you get tested for STDs. In fact, it might not be a bad move for all of you to schedule a screening, just so that everyone involved feels good about moving forward. Now would also be an ideal time to talk about protection. Does your third have a condom preference? Maybe a latex allergy? Get clear on your course of action for protecting yourselves, and schedule that STD test immediately.

As for your game plan? Have an open discussion with your partner about what her expectations are for this experience. Points to include should be what she's comfortable doing with your third, and what she's comfortable with you doing to the guest as well. For example, is she OK with you penetrating the guest? With going down on the guest? What is she willing to do to your third, or have done to her by the third? Consider coming up with a safe word between the two of you – something that your guest wouldn't pick up on, but that you immediately understand to mean that your partner is uncomfortable with what you're doing, and wants you to stop — without her having to look like the one who's stopping the good time. Remember that you're walking more of a fine line whenever you experiment and try something new, so never push too far.

Most women want to be familiar with their partner before they'll try something very new. If this is her first threesome, that's already a big deal. You don't want to push her to go down on the other woman just because you'd like to see it. The same goes for sex toys, which might seem more taboo to some people than a threesome. You're going to have sex with two women and all three of you have your own rules and limits, so understanding and respecting one another's comfort levels should be a top priority when you're establishing your threesome rules. Make sure all three of you are clear on what's OK and what's off-limits before things get underway. Doing so will create a better experience all around, and limit the chance you'll have to stop things mid ménage à trois if someone becomes uncomfortable.

3. During The Threesome

You've done the research and the prep work, and now it's time to seal the deal. Here are a few best practices for a threesome that's hot and mind blowing — sans awkwardness.

There's an exception here: If both women are very shy, you might be waiting quite a while for them to make moves. But if it's possible, letting the women initiate things will make them feel more comfortable, because they'll feel in control of the situation. Plus, this method will likely go over better with your partner than if you were to jump into touching both of them off the bat. Let them get acquainted, and join once they pull you in.

Be As Giving As Possible

Although you may be hoping that the two women will give you 100% of their attention, the truth is that they're there to please each other just as much as they're there to please you. You may end up feeling ignored — and should do your best to get over it. The best way to approach this situation, and an important threesome rule to follow, is to forget your feelings for a moment and try to be as generous with your hands and mouth as you can. Pleasure in one-on-one sex goes back and forth, but in a threesome it's more of a cycle that moves from person to person. So be patient; focus on turning both women on and the attention will come back to you. Whatever pleasure you get in a threesome is a treat, so instead of expecting anything in particular (like both women going down on you at the same time), enjoy everything that comes your way.

But Don't Feel Like You Have To Constantly Please Each Woman

If you feel like you always have to be paying attention to both women, then neither will be satisfied. As you already know, a good, successful player is a good "giver." But remember that your duties in a threesome are different: When you double your pleasure, you double the tongues. That is, there is another person to help you out with jobs you'd normally take care of yourself. The main thing to keep in mind is that no one will ever be without something to do. Which brings us to the next point.

Keep Yourself Busy

Especially if this is your lady's first threesome, she'll likely need to do some warming up, and you should let her do her thing. If the two other participants are giving each other attention, find something to do. Give light attention to both parties, whether it's stroking their back, breasts, or thighs. Get your mouth and tongue involved. Kiss necks, tongue nipples. Don't be afraid to touch yourself while doing so, either. The attention will come back around to you momentarily.

Don't Favor One Over The Other

This might sound like a no brainer. But when you're in the heat of the moment (or you know, inside one of the women) it can be hard to make sure no one feels like they're getting the short-changed. Best case scenario, the women who you're not inside of picks up the slack and starts tending to you or the other woman. But even while you're in her, make sure you're also making an effort to connect with whoever isn't being penetrated. Kiss and touch the other woman, look her in the eye, and talk to her if the mood is appropriate.

Use Different Condoms For Each Partner

Do not, I repeat, do not double dip here. If you're switching from penetrating one woman to the other, you'll need to ditch the old one and put on a brand new condom. In an ideal world, one or both of the women will help make that change as seamless and sexy as possible. But if not, make sure you have condoms within arm's reach to make the swap quick and easy.

Keep Things Flowing

Just like with regular intercourse, you want the whole experience to have a fluidity to it. Sure, pauses may happen and even be necessary (as mentioned with the condom change above, or if one partner suddenly becomes uncomfortable or needs a break). Still, you want to keep things as smooth as if it were just one-on-one. If you're going to move from kissing one woman to kissing the other, for example, let your hands lead the way. Always strive to be as smooth as possible, even in this new situation.

Finish With Your Partner (Or In Neutral Territory)

Coming is powerful. Especially when you're doing it inside of someone — and even if you're wearing a condom. If it happens, it happens, but if you can help it at all, it would be in your best interest to finish inside your partner rather than in your guest star. Yes, you want both women to feel special and important here. But at the end of it all, you're going to say goodbye to one of them – and still be in a relationship with the other (fingers crossed). So you'll want to end things in a way that makes your partner feel like the MVP of this threesome.

4. After The Threesome

You came, you saw, you conquered. And now there are two exhausted, satisfied women lying in your bed — one of which is your partner. How do you wrap things up without making it weird? Sure, it's fine to have a quick cuddle and take a few minutes to regain composure. But really, you're going to want to send your guest star home shortly after things are done. It may seem like a great idea in the moment, but prolonging a threesome can be a recipe for total disaster.

After your third has left, make sure you take the time to reassure your partner that she's your primary concern. Tell her how hot it was for you to see her pleasured by another woman, and that there's no one out there for you but her –- even though you enjoyed the whole experience. Don't do it in an over the top way, as if you're trying to hide how turned on you were by the other woman. Be genuine, and make sure that your partner knows how important she is to you. Doing so will leave the door open for the two of you to have more threesomes in the (hopefully very near) future.