Tomorrow will be one month since we said goodbye to Cadence. Its been such a painful time in our lives. Letting Cadence go was one of the most difficult things we have ever done. In our hearts we know we did the right thing, but that doesn’t make the loss any easier for us. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t have tears in my eyes. The pain is still so very raw for me. I try to keep busy but it is only a temporary distraction. At the end of the day, Cadence is still not here with us and there is nothing I can do to bring her back.

When I was having a bad day, Cadence would make it better. When I was having a good day, it was made even better because Cadence was around. Its so hard for me to put into words how much it hurts and how angry I am sometimes. I know that everyone that reads this knows the same pain. I feel pain because she is not here with us anymore, that she had to endure the bouts with cancer and she was cheated out of growing old gracefully. I’m angry because I don’t get to hold her, get to cuddle with her in bed and how little time we got with her after the amputation. I know that these are all part of the grieving process, so I’m trying to take it all in stride. I in no way regret the amputation or the chemo. If I had to do it all again, I would not even hesitate to do so. I just wish we were given more time with her. I am blessed that we did have almost 4 months. For that, I will always be thankful. A lot of great memories were made in those 4 months. Those are the memories that I reach for when I start to feel the overwhelming sense of loss come over me.

Cadence…I miss you so much. The other night Mommy came home late from work. I expected to hear you barking at the door when I tried sneaking in as to not wake you and Daddy when I came home late. You were not there. I miss having your hair all over the floor, you dribbling water all over the place when you drank and the way you would tilt your head when I would talk to you. I swear you always could understand what I was saying. I miss the way you would give me kisses on my lips and then nibble oh so gently on my bottom lip. I miss watching you with Daddy. I miss coming into the room and seeing you sitting by Daddy’s feet as he listened to music and sang. I miss sitting in the back yard as we soaked in the sun just being lazy and two girls hanging out. I could go on and on about what I miss. Mostly, I just miss you being here. The sense of comfort and love you brought into my life.

Cadence’s ashes came home to us a few weeks ago. Steve wanted to be the one to pick her up. It was very emotional for him. He misses her so much. Cadence is in our bedroom now, on the dresser drawer. We put her collar around it and placed her favorite puppy toy on it. Its hard for me to comprehend that she is in that box. We are going to spread some of her ashes around the places that she loved and we loved. That way, every time we go to those places she will be there still.

I will never forget Cadence. Cadence will always be a part of our lives. The imprint she made on my heart will be there until my heart stops beating. When it comes time for mine and Steve’s journey on this earth to end, Cadence will be there to greet us and show us the way. Until that day comes baby girl, we love you and we miss you. Love you forever………….

Other news……

Steve and I have decided that we are not going to wait to get a puppy. We have so much love to give and miss having a dog in the house. We are getting another American Bulldog and she will be coming from a breeder in Oklahoma. We should be getting her at the beginning of April. It will be good to have some joy come in to this house again. When looked at many dogs but still kept on coming back to the same one. I think Cadence was guiding us straight to her. Her name is Elsa (we are picking our own name when we finally get to see her) and she was born on January 28th . Elsa was born one day after us discovering mets in Cadence’s lungs. In my heart I think she was born just for us, when Cadence was embarking on her final journey. That is just like Cadence…still taking care of us from over the Bridge.

Sweet baby girl….Mommy and Daddy miss you so very much. The house is not the same without you following us around. The house is so quiet and lonely. Daddy went to drills this weekend and I’m here all by myself. I miss our time together when Daddy is away. We kept each other company and you made me feel so safe. Its been 10 days since you left our life. It sure feels like a lifetime to me. My heart still aches and the tears still come. I really do try to be strong, just like you were during your journey, but sometimes I am weak. You were the best dog that anyone could have ever asked for. You were fun loving, a great guard dog and you had a heart of gold. You made us feel so loved each and everyday. You brought sunshine into the house even when it was cold and grey outside. You will forever be in our hearts.

Last night I finally got around to cleaning the house. I haven’t cleaned since you went away. Yes I know, that is so unlike Mommy. I just couldn’t bear the thought of vacuuming. Your hair was still all over the floor and in my mind I thought, if your hair is still on the floor, you are still in the house. But last night, my neat freak side took over and I cleaned. I took out the vacuum cleaner, and waited for you to run from the room (cadence hated that darn thing), and away I went. I cried the whole time. After I finished, I looked around, and I could still see some of your hair. You shed so much all the time, I think I will be finding your hair in the house until the day I die. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Daddy has been having dreams about you at night. This makes him so very happy. I go to bed thinking about you, but so far no dreams. If you get a chance, and can pull yourself away from all the fun you are having, please come visit Mommy when she is sleeping. I miss seeing your sweet face.

I hope that life is treating you well. I hope you know that Mommy and Daddy will never forget you and you will always be in our life. You will always be our one and only baby girl, love bug, c-dawg and cadence.

The other night, Steve called the breeder that he got Cadence from. He wanted to see if she was still breeding American Bulldogs. The breeder remembered him and Steve told her all about Cadence and her cancer journey. We found out the Cadence’s mom is still alive and is 10 years old now. This next part just blew me away. Steve asked about the father, I want to say his name was Gator. Gator was also 10 years old. The breeder told Steve that Gator had gotten stomach cancer and that last Wednesday (2/20) they had to say goodbye to him. Gator’s journey ended the same day that we said goodbye to Cadence. I found some comfort in knowing that her Daddy was there to greet her when she went home.

I still miss Cadence everyday. I hate coming home from work now. There is no big goofy dog to greet me at the door when I get home. I stand at the door listening for the sound of her paw steps as she runs to the door when I open it. The house is very lonely without her here. I’m off the next 4 days from work and I am sort of dreading it. Steve is away at military drills, so I will be all alone. I’m not going to know what to do with myself. At least before, I had Cadence to keep me company. Cadence would take care of me when Steve was away. Cadence was a natural born guard dog. I knew there was no way anyone was going to come in the house when they heard her barking. Im going to miss that extra sense of security. I know she is still watching over me and from above she will be protecting me.

I still feel pain over losing Cadence. Each day that passes is a bit easier because I remind myself that she is no longer in pain and she is breathing freely again. I look at pictures and videos everyday and they make me smile. We gave Cadence a good life and in return she gave us unconditional love and friendship. I know she is surrounded by a loving group of Tripawds who are showing her the way. I picture Cadence and Bruno together being the best of friends.

Thanks to everyone again for all the love and support. It really does make this journey easier for me to deal with.

Cadence gave Steve a Valentine’s day card this year. In the card Cadence thanked her Daddy for giving her such a good life. Cadence knew this would probably be her last Valentine’s day card to him, so she made sure it was very special. In the card she told Steve that she would always be with him and that she would give him signs that would let him know she was all right and that she was there with him. Cadence said that every time we see a squirrel in the back yard, a humming bird at the kitchen window feeder and turkeys, that would be her sending us love.

The day after Cadence earned her wings, Steve and I were at the computer, when we looked out the window and into our backyard. There on the fence were two squirrels looking into our window. One of the squirrels was acting a little crazy running up and down the post, so we figured that one was Cadence. It brought tears to our eyes but also a smile to our face. She had come back to let us know she was all right. We decided to celebrate Cadence’s memory by taking a walk along the same trail we always went with her. She loved that walk and so did we. We walked along the trail and talked about Cadence and all the great times we had with her. It was hard to take that walk without her, but also very comforting sharing our memories of her. As we were walking back to the house, on city streets, out of no where, 15 turkeys flew over a fence, and into the street. They were crossing the street in one big line. Cars were having to stop, to let the turkeys cross. At first we couldn’t believe it. We haven’t seen the turkeys in the neighborhood since November. I looked at Steve and said, “That’s our baby girl telling us she is still with us.” The rest of the day we actually felt good. The pain was still there but Cadence came back to us 2 times that day. She was telling us we made the right decision and she just wanted us to know that. Even though she is no longer here with us, her spirit is still making sure that we are taken care of.

Sweet baby girl, your Daddy and I miss you so much. Thanks for sending us the signs. I hope you are in a grassy field with the sun shining down on you. The house is so empty and lonely without you here. You will forever be in our hearts. Sweet dreams…..

On February 20th, at 7:04 pm, we said goodbye to our sweet baby girl. The decision was gut wrenching but we had to do what was right for Cadence and not for us. In one days time, she started gasping for air, even while laying in bed. The coughing stopped due to the Tussigon, so we thought we were in the clear for a while. But the Tussigon does not help with breathing. Looking at Cadence made me think of that asthma commercial when they have a goldfish, out of its bowl, flopping around gasping for air. Not that it was that dramatic, but I felt that was how Cadence was probably feeling. We could not put her through that. We love her to much to watch as she struggled to breathe.

I was with Cadence all day and watched as it got worse and worse. She would not go to her bowl to eat breakfast so I brought it in the room and hand fed her. She still ate all her food but it was somewhat of a struggle between gasps. At one point she did get up to come outside with me and she used the bathroom. When she urinated I could tell she was dehydrated because her urine was bright yellow. I knew she was not getting enough water in her. Cadence loved drinking water all the time. Cadence just didn’t have the energy to get up and go to her water bowl to drink. It was to much for her to get up and move. When she did, she would be gasping for air. We knew we had to make the call.

I called the vet and made the appointment for Thursday, but as time went by that day, we changed it to that night. We wanted to have the night with her, but once again, it would have been for us and not her. Now I watched the clock dreading every time a minute went by. It was one more minute closer to the end. I even prayed for a power outage so the clocks would stop working. I sat with Cadence most of the day telling her how much I loved her. We listed to some music and I played my song for her and sang it to her. It was Ronnie Milsap’s ” I wouldn’t have missed it for the world”.

I wouldn’t have missed it for the world, wouldn’t have missed loving you girl, you made my whole life worth while with your smile. I wouldn’t trade one memory, cuz you mean to much to me, even though I lost you girl, I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.

I played that song over and over and she looked at me like I was crazy. If only she could have spoken, I’m sure she would have told me to shut up already.

We met Daddy at the door when he came home and that made him happy. We knew this would be the last time she would be at the door to greet him. Our neighbor Rose came over to say goodbye. Cadence loved Grandma Rose. Every Time we went on a walk, Cadence would stop at her garage to see if she would come out. Rose always had a smile and a treat for Cadence. Cadence gave Rose a big kiss goodbye.

We got the dreaded call from the vet saying he was on his way over. Twenty five minutes later, he was at the door with his assistant. Cadence jumped up when she heard his voice and went running over to him. We could tell by the look on his face that he was wondering why he was there. Cadence was running up to him and wagging her tail. For a second she did not look like she was dying. Then the gasping started. He listened to her and told us we were doing the right thing.

We got to choose where we wanted to do it. We chose the living room area. I pulled over one of her beds and told her to get into it. Cadence decided to choose her own bed and went into the other one with all her favorite blankets. She laid in the bed and they took her hind leg and shaved it. At this time I asked about a sedative for her, but he did not give her one. To be honest, I don’t even remember his reasoning behind it. The doctor then put the catheter in and I held her head in my hands and looked her in the eyes. Dr Atwater then administered the shot. We told her how much we loved her and how she was going to be free of pain. I kept on repeating to her how much we loved her and what a good girl she was. I felt like I was rambling. At one point she tried to get up during the injection. That bulldog was going to be stubborn even in death. Cadence has always been tenacious and that was not going to change now. I was watching her chest and I could tell her breathing was slowing down. I continued to look in her eyes so our faces would be the last thing she would see when she took her last breath. Then it was over. Then I cried. I fought back the tears during it, because I didn’t want her to be upset watching me cry. But there was no controlling the tears once it was all over. I was thankful her pain was gone. I was thankful that she would no longer be suffering. I was thankful that we got to say goodbye to her in our home where she was surrounded by us and the things that brought her comfort. I was thankful that Steve and I got to say goodbye to her together.

That night we both cried ourselves to sleep. Our lives will never be the same without Cadence. Cadence blessed our lives in so many ways. We thank her for sharing her life with us and her loving us so unconditionally. I know Cadence is watching over us and will always be in our hearts. Our hearts are aching and empty without her. but with time the pain will ease, and the happy memories and moments will fill our hearts once again. Instead of tears of sadness there will be tears from laughing so hard when we think about the goofy girl she was.

When Steve came home Sunday, he looked at Cadence and he thought this was it. Cadence would not stop coughing. She would be lying still in bed and she coughed. She would get up to use the potty or drink water, and she coughed. So Steve made a phone call to the vets office on Monday to see if what we were thinking was really going to have to happen. We talked to the vets assistant who told us she did not think it was time yet. This is the natural progression of the disease. The cough is coming from the mets that are in her lungs. I knew that, but I really didn’t think there would be this much coughing. Since Cadence is still eating, (like a horse), drinking and in general still has some energy, it was not time. I was so relieved, then I felt like an idiot for thinking she was on her death bed. The weekend was just a few bad days, that happen to roll together. There will be good days and bad days. I need to keep reminding myself of that. Its just that the bad days can be so overwhelming. Between all the worry and not sleeping, I am now sick. I sound as bad as Cadence. So yesterday we had a sick day and we both stayed in bed. She cuddled up to me and we napped throughout the day. ed

The vet prescribed us Tussigon, 5 mg tablets. We are giving Cadence 2 pills every 12 hours. Let me tell you, this has helped out her coughing immensely. She still coughs when she walks around at times but once she settles down, the coughing stops. Its like a magic pill. Cadence can finally get a good nights sleep in and so can we. The drug is a bit pricey. It think we paid about 58 dollars for 1 week worth of pills. At this point, I don’t care. It relaxes her and my stress level has dropped. It worth every penny. It does make her a bit more sleepy but not to the point where she is sleeping all day. She is still alert and gets up to see what Im doing. For now the pills are working so we will keep on using them.

I’m back to work tomorrow and Steve will be home with her until Tuesday. Cadence gets to spend some good quality time with her Daddy, which makes me happy.

Thanks to everyone for keeping us in their thoughts and for the words of encouragement. Its nice to be surrounded by people that understand and that are so kind.

The last couple of days have been horrible. The coughing is getting worse and I can now hear a “crackling” sound as Cadence is breathing. She still breathes through her nose and there is no heavy panting, but I can see her breathing is becoming more labored. She also continues to cough up blood, not a lot, but I know this is not a good sign. To me, her eyes look sad. She tries to get up and walk around, but the coughing is worse when she does this. I called in sick, and did not go to work today. I couldn’t bring myself to leave her side. I know our days are limited and I don’t want to waste a moment of it. Thankfully, I have a job where they know how much Cadence means to me. We have no children, so she is like a child to me. I would never leave my child home alone being this sick, so why would I do that to my dog.

Steve will be home tonight, thank God. It been so stressful dealing with this the last couple of days. He is going to take a look at her and see what he thinks. If he thinks it is time, we will call the vet and make arrangements to say goodbye on Tuesday. We are so afraid of saying goodbye to soon. Ive read a lot about signs to look for when its time to say goodbye. The thing that makes it hard is that she is still eating and drinking, and at times, had energy. Its just that damn cough.

I started giving her Tramadol last night. I was going to wait until Monday to call the vet, but I said screw it. It knocked her out for most of the night, though there were a few bouts of coughs, not nearly as many as the night before. I just wanted her to get a good nights sleep. Me on the other hand, didn’t get much sleep at all. I would just stare at her, checking on her breathing.

Tahoe is a no go tomorrow. There is no way we can risk it with the coughing being as bad as it is today. I wish I could afford a snow machine and fill the yard with snow, so she can play in it one last time. Instead, we will take her to her favorite park tomorrow and just hang out. I know in my gut, that the end is near. It is so hard to write those words, but every fiber in my being, tells me it is time.

Steve and I decided a while ago, that when the time comes, she will have a gourmet meal, as one of her last meals. Today, I went and got her a t-bone steak and sweet potatoes. I wanted to get her a piece of cake, but Steve said it would be to much. Instead, I think we will give her some whipped cream, straight out of the can.

I hate this part of the journey. When you get a dog, you don’t think about the day that will come when you have to say goodbye. You watch them grow up from being a puppy, and hope that old age is what takes them in the end. Cadence had years left in her. We took really good care of her. We always made sure she had the best food, exercised and made sure she was in good shape. I feel like we are being cheated, and there is nothing that I can do about it. Life is not fair. My poor sweet Cadence. My heart is breaking………

Mommy and Daddy went to work today, and for the first time in about a week, I had the house to myself. My mind was racing as to what I was going to do with all this alone time. We’ve had a lot of people at the house the last week. My grandparents came to visit from Ohio. I hadn’t seen them in such a long time. The last time I saw them was when Daddy took me on this thing called an airplane, which was not fun by the way, this was when I was a puppy. I was so happy to see them again. They loved on me the whole time and grandma would sneak me Pirate’s Booty. I do love my Pirate’s Booty. I was sad to see them leave, but they needed to get home to their two dogs.

Daddy fed me before he left for work today, so my belly was nice and full. I started my day off taking a nice long nap in the bedroom. I really didn’t feel like jumping on Mommy and Daddy’s bed, so I got comfy in mine. I slept and slept and slept. I love my Mommy to pieces, but ever since this cancer thing came back, she can be a bit of a pain in the butt. I really do mean that in a very loving way. Sometimes when I am sleeping, I wake up and have to cough a bit. Mommy will come running into the room and ask me a hundred times if I’m ok. It seems like now, even if I fart, Mommy is asking me if I’m ok. You see, Mommy is the worrier of the family. She worries a lot about me. I really wish she wouldn’t worry. They have done everything they could to protect me from this cancer thing. I try to tell Mommy, with my eyes, that everything will be ok. But, she still worries. Daddy on the other hand, is way more mellow than Mommy. I know he worries about me, but he doesn’t let it show. He still treats me the same. He rough houses with me and chases me around the house. I am very lucky to have them as my parents.

I’m like Mommy, and I lost track of what I was saying. Anyway……. I slept most of the day away but I did manage to go outside a bit to do my business. It rained some here today, and I am not a big fan of getting wet. I wasn’t able to lay on my lounge chair and work on my tan today. I wandered around the house a bit. I hit the kitchen to see if anyone had dropped food on the floor. I was wanting an afternoon snack, but no such luck. I got bored pretty quickly and went back to sleep. Then I was awoken by the best sound in the world. I heard a key in the door. Mommy was home. I was so happy to see her. The first question she asked me was, ” You ok, baby girl?” That question was music to my ears. I hate to admit it, but I was bored without Mommy or Daddy being here. I may sleep when they are here, but it is very comforting knowing that they are no to far away when I need them. Daddy came home a little later and now we are at the house, all together, and one happy family.

Cadence had another good day yesterday. The coughing was very minimal and she seemed to have a bit more energy. She still got in her naps but instead of just sleeping in our room, she followed me around the house. We sat in the yard for a bit and just enjoyed each other’s company. I left the house for a few hours to run errands, which makes me feel very guilty. I want to spend every minute with her. My mind starts racing when I am away from her. I worry that something will happen and I wont be there for her. When I got home she was waiting at the door, wagging her tail, and then let out a big yawn. She was just probably happy that she had some alone time and Mommy wasn’t smothering her. I did get her out for a small walk later on in the day. We have a greenbelt behind our house with lots of grass, which she enjoys. I wanted to keep the walk short as to not tire her out. She wanted to keep going. As I tried to turn around, the stubborn side of her came out. She just wouldn’t move. She had other plans at this point. I put my foot down and was able to get her to turn around. As we were getting close to the house, Steve was pulling into the driveway. I let go of the leash and she ran to Daddy. Cadence so loves her Daddy.

I have to go back to work tomorrow and Steve is also working. She will be alone the whole day. I’m also working through the weekend and Steve is away at military drills. We are having one of his friends come over over the weekend to check on her. I was also thinking about taking her into work on Sunday with me. I’m just not sure if that would be to much excitement for her. Its a long day but I know how much she loves coming to work with me. I’m still on the fence about it. I guess I will just wait and see how she does the next couple of days.

Last night, Steve and I attempted to do an art project involving Cadence. Steve and I are not artistically inclined, so I knew this would not be pretty. We wanted to make a stepping stone with Cadence’s paw print. I went and got the kit and a few other accessories to make it nice and pretty. We mixed up the mix, poured it and waited to take her print until it was ready. We thought we had a plan. Well, as we all know, plans don’t always work out the way we want them to. We bribed her with cheese and then attempted several times to take the print. Cadence wasn’t very cooperative and the paw print looked like the size of a chihuahua. Cadence is a 90 lb dog, it did not do her justice. We just could not get it right. We tried several times but it just didn’t look good. We decided that we would just leave the print and continue on with the project. We then attempted to use letter impressions to spell out her name. The first letters we did looked somewhat decent, but as Steve continued, the letters all kind of blurred together. So now we had a messed up paw print and you couldn’t even read her name. At this point we just gave up. I’m going to the pet store today to get one that even a two year old can do. I think the one with the molding clay is more our speed. The things we do for the love of our dogs.

Cadence and one of her favorite toys. She has had this since she was a puppy.

I decided that taking Cadence to the park yesterday was probably a good thing. Cadence seemed pretty worn out because she had slept all morning, so I wasn’t sure if she would be up for the adventure. I loaded up the car and came back into the house to get her. I grabbed the leash and she came running from the bedroom and into the kitchen. Her tail was wagging and she was ready to go. When we got to the park and out of the car, she had this renewed sense of energy. Her tail was wagging a mile a minute and she was smiling. We put the blanket down and then I put her on her extended lead. At first she didn’t know what to do. She stayed close by my side. The only time we put her on the long lead is when we are in Tahoe and she is swimming. She looked at me as if to say, ” Hey Mom, there is no water here, what the heck am I doing on this thing.” Well, she quickly learned. I sat on the blanket and she just wandered off smelling the grass and running around. She even got in a few rolls in the grass. Watching all of this just warmed my heart. My heart has been hurting so much this last week, that it was nice to have it feeling good again. Occasionally she would come over to the blanket to make sure I was ok and she would sit for a while. Cadence sat by me as I laid in the sun, with her chest puffed out protecting me. Always the protector even though she is now the one that needs protecting.

There is a creek that runs through the park that we take her. I wasn’t sure if there would be much water in there since it hasn’t been raining. We walked over to the area and I saw water. As much as Cadence loves us, I really do think she loves water more. I thought what the heck, we are going in. I tried to find the least complicated and safest way down. I was able to find a small hill that we needed to navigate. There was some brush and some small obstacles but we made our way down with no problems. At first she wasn’t sure what to do. Was mommy really going to let me go down in the water? I could tell that was what she was thinking in her head. Then she went for it. She was running around getting soaking wet. She even found a big twig in the water that she proudly held in her mouth. She was having the time of her life and so was I. We stayed in the water for about 10 minutes then it was time to leave. Going up the hill wasn’t as easy as going down. All I kept thinking is that Steve was going to kill me if she hurt herself. I let her go first and kind of scooted her butt up when her back leg wasn’t enough to get her up. Well, we made it up in one piece, so it all ended up good.

Last night I kept waiting for the fall out from an active day. There was none. There was no coughing. There was just a lot of snoring coming from a very happy American Bulldog who had the best day. This will be one of those memories that I keep close when things start to get rough and she is having a bad day. The picture of her with the stick in her mouth, wagging her tail and smiling, will forever be imprinted in my heart.