Polar bears are drowning. Bumblebees are dropping dead. Bad things are very likely happening to spider monkeys at this very moment.

It’s tough to maximize your summer fun when, every time you start your engine, you guiltily realize that you’re somehow strangling the last few breaths of life out of the planet’s 17 (or so) remaining white rhinos.

It’s likewise tough when, though you couldn’t give a flying crap about flying squirrels and their mammalian ilk, soaring gas prices require a home-improvement loan just to fill up the minivan. (Not to mention the fact that oil is seriously messing with our stock markets, travel plans, and cost of food, as well as being the prime source for irritating and cliché “pain at the pump” promos from your local TV-news bureaus.)

Solution: pahk your damn cah in frickin’ Hahvard Yahd, or wherever the hell else you see fit. Stow your Honda in the garage, or walk your Jaguar (in neutral) over to one of those overly expensive South End–restaurant valets — and let them keep it.

Do not contribute to the further destruction of this third stone from the Sun by driving around when you could still make your summer all that in plenty of other ways — we offer 30 of ’em right here. Even if you could care less about being carbon neutral, you’ll save tons of dough in the process. And with the money you keep, you can guiltlessly blast your AC while cranking your iTunes and simultaneously using 32 other household appliances.

They shall not pass gas Lines upon learning that scientists have recently isolated methane-mitigating microbes in the intestinal lining of the kangaroo, and plan to replicate them in cattle to reduce the emission of “cow-created” greenhouse gas

It is the heat “Going green” may be an annoying trendy catch phrase, but there’s something to be said for turning down the global thermostat before we all drown in a pool of our own sweat.

You say 'bizarre' I stood in front of the Plain Mabel table for a full five minutes, gripping a super-soft zipper pouch fashioned out of fabric that featured a pink bunny rabbit hunting for lady bugs, deliberating.