Pages

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

i kind of don't know how all you stay at home mom's do it. like how you actually clean the house, make all the meals, and do everything else you have to do at home.. all while waiting for the older kids to get out of school.

basically, i feel like i can't do anything during the day. i sit and stare at the clock counting down how many hours i have until blake gets out of school. and it just never seems like enough time to do anything, or go anywhere. before you know it, it's time to go pick him up and i'm sitting here like "where the fuck did the day go?!?!" and even if i do get the time to run a couple of errands or make a couple of phone calls, or heaven forbid actually look for jobs online, it's like it's already past noon and closing in on 1pm... and that phone will ring in an hour or two.. and it's not enough time to start another project, or do anything else!!!!!!! i feel like i am constantly battling against the clock all day long. no wonder people don't get shit done during the day. you're too busy staring at the clock the whole time thinking about how little time you have to do anything... so you don't do much of anything, because how can you?!?!?

clearly i have time issues.

it's freaking annoying.

*deep breath*

to contradict myself from the above thoughts, i will tell you that i have a super hard time just relaxing and doing nothing. i already cleaned and reorganized the cabinets in the kitchen. we all know i counted how many stupid plug sockets need to be swapped out downstairs. i look around at what i could organize and go through and throw away next. it's like i have to be doing SOMETHING, so that it's okay that i'm not working. at least i'm attempting to be productive right (all while staring at the clock)?

i so am not a relaxer. i can't chill. the guiiiiiiiiiiiiiiilt.

even though i know i have completely earned the right to do nothing for a month if i want too. i know that i need to decompress and destress from the hell that was my life for over the last year. i know i deserve it. i just don't know how to do it. and my mom? she called me on monday and sort of yelled at me for sleeping. (in all honesty i'm surprised i'm not in a freaking sleep coma. i seriously thought that the destressing would come in the form of me not being able to wake up for a week or something) she told me that i could relax next week when i was in LA and this week i should be doing shit around the house. i almost lost it. see, cause boyfriend had to give me a lecture on sunday night about how i could sleep all day if i wanted to on monday. that i didn't have to do a damn thing. that it was OK if i sat on the couch and turned into a lush. he had to CONVINCE me that it was alright to be lazy.

then my mom calls and fucks it all up. talking about lists. accomplish one thing a day. what the hell man?!?! i don't need to be motivated. i was a single mom for 7 years, i think i have the motivation thing covered. i'm not a lazy sack who doesn't work for a living. i enjoy working! i love getting out of the house and having a job and making money and kicking ass!! but clearly she didn't have to live with me the last 14 months, or she would have never said that stuff to me. (i know she didn't mean anything cruel or mean by it.. it's just that timing couldn't have been worse and i truly don't need to hear about what i should or shouldn't be doing with my days and time while i am currently unemployed. ya know? i'm sure she was trying to motivate me in her own way, but i don't need help in that department. i'm pretty self motivating and i'm trying to take a break. i think she's just scared i'll turn into this lazy sack who never works again or something.. ) there are days i don't know how i made it through without having an emotional or physical breakdown. it was, by far, the most challenging work experience i've ever had to deal with. i'm just glad it's over.

so here i sit.. at the computer.. typing this message and being fully aware that it's already 10:20 and i haven't done anything today.. and i'm still in my pajama's with no makeup on. and of course, all of those things are driving me crazy and i feel like a sack.

Monday, March 29, 2010

i didn't have to rush to get to work this morning and do everything i normally have to do for blake. between getting him to actually eat breakfast, brush his teeth, put on his damn shoes and me trying to get ready for work and out the door... it's normally chaos in the morning.

but this morning? this morning, i took my time. because i didn't have anywhere i needed to be.

i made him breakfast. like cooked him something. which i never do because we don't have time. (which clearly means we don't wake up early enough, but i don't wanna hear it). and then when he came downstairs, i sat with him and ate with him. which is also something we never do on the weekday mornings.

it was nice.

until i started looking around at the house and all the plug socket things that have been uncovered for the last 2 years and i started counting. and then i was annoyed that i couldn't replace them myself, cause if i could, i would just totally do that. but anyway, i looked around the kitchen and the game room and i got to 18.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

i'm still not freaking out. at least not in the way that it seems people expect me too. they all talk to me with this sympathetic tone of voice.. as if i just told them i was dying of some horrid disease or something. the tone of voice.. the sad look in their eyes.. it's driving me nuts!!

i'm just leaving a job, i'm not losing my life here people!!! *knocks on wood*

i just want people to stop talking and looking at me as though i'm dying tomorrow. i know they're sad. and i know they feel bad. and i do appreciate that, but it doesn't help anything. it doesn't change my situation. it is what it is.

you know, before i was officially let go, i was far more worried about what i was going to do with this job. i was completely stressed and frazzled about what to do.... how to fix things... how to make things better. do i quit? then what? what will i do? where would i go from here? how will my family be okay?

there were so many questions that were purely based and rooted in financial fear. but once i was finally let go.. and there was a firm resolution, everything was ok. i felt so much better. there are still tons of unanswered questions, but the difference is- i'm not worried about them.

i feel like my path here is over and it's time to start on something new. it's just that i'm not big on patience. so while i fully trust that something will open up for me when the time is right- it's hard to give up the control of the time part. it's like.. i'm ready for that new door to open up for me NOW! not tomorrow. not 2 months from now. but NOW. you know?

and it doesn't work like that.

and i know that.

but still..

i'm optimistic and hopeful for the future and what it will bring to me. i still don't know with 100% certainty what it is. i'm not quite sure the path i'm on right now.. or if i'm at a fork in the road. all i know is that i try to be a good person. and i try to follow my soul's desires so i can be fulfilled and truly happy. it's hard because i don't always know what that is. and that's where trust comes in. that it's all happening for a bigger purpose. a bigger reason. and it all happens the way it's supposed to.

Monday, March 22, 2010

alright, there might have been a whale. maybe 2 even. but all they did was blow water out of their blowhole thing and disappear back down into the ocean. WHERE WERE THE TRICKS?! the tail dive? the body slam?

that field trip was a total sham.

the false advertising that was this so called whale watching field trip started with a ridiculous mile or so hike to a cliff. a cliff that was blocked off by this here wooden border fence thing.whenever i would lean on that stupid fence, i imagined it breaking and my poor child watching me plummet to my death down some ridiculous cliff and into the elephant seals breeding grounds. then my horrified child would be forced to watch the seals play with my dead body like a rag doll. and he'd forever be scarred by the field trip that wasn't really about whales at all. but more about hiking and watching your mom die. where do i sign up?

we did get to see some elephant seals. but they weren't breeding. or probably even breathing.they were just lying there. like that. the whole time we were there. talk about being lazy. sheesh.we tried to hit that rock island with rocks. and by "we" i mean all the disrespectful little kids on the field trip who don't care about nature at all. okay fine, i tried to hit it too.it's a lot farther away then it looks. and i probably broke my arm trying to be awesome and hit the damn thing.

oh look, a flower.

on the way back from the hike from hell... and on our way to the stairs from hell.. we ran into a fat gopher.i wanted to name him and i kept calling him "allllllviiiiiiin" until i remembered that those stupid talking rodents were chipmunks, not gophers. but there was a part of me that half expected him to start talking or singing. clearly movies have not been a good influence on me.

ALRIGHT! we are now at the part of the story where the whales would come in. you know, flopping around, splashing, jumping through hoops and playing with beach balls.

instead, i got this.right after the whale blew water from his hole. exciting right? riveting! are you on the edge of your seat?!

i knew it.

after that life altering moment, we headed down to the lighthouse.did i mention that you had to walk down THREE HUNDRED AND EIGHT steps to get down to the house? (and for those of you not so bright readers of mine...that means we had to walk THREE HUNDRED AND EIGHT steps back up ... a cliff... )by this point, i was really questioning my taste in field trips. i honestly thought that we'd be on a boat whale watching. clearly, i'm an idiot.

but this guy? he loves me just the way i am. idiot or not.he even loves me when i smash his face into my shoulder for a picture.

after we got to the top of the stairs and didn't die (or see any more whales), i spotted a seal playing around in the rocks while the tide was coming in. lucky for me, he stopped to pose for a picture. i bet he's wondering how good i'd taste if i fell to my death and into the water for him.

then while we were walking back to the car, i almost ran into a deer. it literally ran AT me. i think it wanted to come home with me. it was probably thinking how good i'd taste for dinner. these animals are vicious!

and that's the end of my amazing whale watching field trip that really didn't have any whales, but all sorts of other animals. did i mention that i didn't realize how much hiking and stair climbing would be involved in this?! did i also mention that i wore BOOTS?

please imagine for one moment the pain my feet were in by the time we got home.

thank you for your sympathy.

this is my favorite picture of the day. the colors were incredible and i was constantly amazed that the water was that color in northern california. anyway, this pic rocks.

Friday, March 19, 2010

yeah i know it's in the desert. but i don't know that i've heard of sandstorms happening there so badly that no planes can land or leave.

can you tell what happened to me last night? my plane out of burbank to oakland was delayed because our aircraft was stuck in vegas. my last LA trip with my current job couldn't have gone smoothly.... noooo, that would be too easy...

when i got to the airport, i was told it was 2 hours delayed. within minutes that 2 hours turned to 3. and it would have been awesome if i could have high tailed it over to a hotel and crashed out because believe me when i tell you how flipping tired i was. but i couldn't do that. cause i promised blake i'd go on his field trip with him today. and i signed up for that trip at the beginning of the school year.

so i sat in the airport.

until 1 in the freaking morning.

all so i could be home today to go on the field trip from hell.

it sounded fun... whale watching and whatnot. but it was totally false advertising. it should have been called, drive 2 hours to a beach and then hike all day long. have fun!

hiking and sweating after no sleep isn't my idea of fun. hell, hiking after 12 hours of sleep isn't my idea of fun.

so now i'm home... with my eyes failing me as i type this... but i did get some pretty pics to share and i feel like i haven't taken pictures in a really long time.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

processing the fact that in almost 2 weeks i will no longer have a jay oh bee that pays me weekly paychecks to do my amazingly wonderful job in which i rock the socks off of.

processing the fact that at some point within these next 2 weeks, i should probably attempt to look for and find a new job.

processing the fact that buying the house when we did and where we did puts limits on me in ways i do not appreciate, and will not accept. i absolutely refuse to plan and make decisions for my life based around a house and its ridiculous mortgage payment (which could be way more ridiculous if we were stupid and listened to the dumb loan lady who gave us our loan.. good thing we were smarter than she was). i will break the chains that are trying to so desperately to drag me down and force me to stay in one place. this house will not be my life. or one day i'll burn the fucking thing to the ground. so there.

yes, i've lost my job. it sounds funny to say it that way. lost it. as if i'm not quite sure where it is. maybe i'll find it if i look under the couch cushions or on the bathroom floor? it's just hiding from me! ha

but it's okay and i don't want anyone to be sad... or write how sorry you are. cause i'm not. it's a good thing. it's the right thing. of course it sucks that it's happening, but ONLY because of the financial part of things. not for any other reason.

which is lame.

we spend way too much of our lives in the office. or at work. or working.

life is about living. and i wish there was an easy way to have that balance and still afford to do things like.. eat and feed your kids and stuff. it's annoying how much control money has in our lives. i guess it only has as much control as we allow it.. i know.. but still, it's a hard habit to break. and there are certain things i won't part with- cause let's face it, i like to do shit. and doing shit costs money. so there.

i'm not sure what my plans are.

i'm not sure quite where i'm headed.

but in all honesty? i'm so fucking excited to figure it all out.

it's weird once you don't have a job anymore. it's as if the entire world is open to you again. you can do anything! be anyone! work anywhere!! i mean, those options never truly go away, but when you're busting your ass in the daily grind day after day, you tend to forget that you have options. you forget that you could leave and do whatever you wanted!!!

because leaving is scary.

and don't think for one second that your workplace doesn't know you feel that way.

they freaking own you.

they owned me.

but soon i'll be free. and the next adventure in my life?

no clue where it's taking me... but can't freaking wait to get on board!!!!!

Friday, March 12, 2010

when i'm sick, i find that i want the same kinds of foods over and over again.

grilled mother f'n cheese

stouffers frozen mac n' cheese

that chicken broth soup that's all tiny skinny noodles...

yeah. those are it for me. i can't get enough grilled cheese. WHY?!?!?!

i'm so weird.

and freaking sick. i had an awesome fever on wednesday night with chills that would literally send waves of freezingness through my body from head to toe.

did i mention i had to fly to LA the next morning?!?!

it's a good thing my fever broke somewhere in the middle of the night. probably when i woke up completely drenched in sweat.

so i flew yesterday. i felt like shit. my plane flight home actually made me cry.

real tears.

my ears wouldn't pop. so i felt the sharpest pain all through my sinuses and into my head. i thought my brain was going to blow into a million pieces. it hurt so fucking bad.

hence the crying.

when we landed my ears still hadn't popped. but thank the goddess the pain was gone. i just couldn't hear.

about an hour after we had landed, my left ear popped.

and it was LOUD! and it hurt. for the love man, what the hell did i do to deserve this?!?!

my right ear popped too. loud again. and hurty. but it's still not completely popped.

which is annoying, but i kind of don't care because all i want to do is go home and sleep. but i'm at work. doing paperwork cause I AM A GOOD WORKER!!!!! but soon, after my paperwork is done. my bed is calling me.

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

do any of you watch undercover boss? i watched my first episode by accident this past weekend with the boys.

it was the CEO (joe depinto) of sevie (7-eleven) going undercover at his stores to see what the employees do, how things are handled, etc.

i freaking bawled my damn eyes out through half the flipping episode. this guy was so unbelievably awesome. he appreciated the employees who worked there.he wanted to get to know them as people. he wanted to hear their struggles, or why they worked there.. what else they were doing.. about their families.. their dreams, etc.he wanted to hear what they had to say about working for sevie... the good and the bad. and he wanted to make changes if what he heard wasn't okay with him. one of the employees told him that he felt there was no growth there for him. and the ceo didn't like that.... he wanted to foster an environment for growth. he was surprised at how hard everyone worked. or how hard and busy the work was from all aspects of the company. and he told the employees that they did a good job. that they worked hard.

and after he revealed himself as the CEO of the stores, he freaking rewarded some of them with amazing things like their own franchise... an opportunity to manage a chain of stores... a foundation in one of his employee's name!!! how awesome is that?!?! and who the hell does that kind of thing anymore?!?

THAT is the type of person who should be running large coporations. that freaking guy almost inspired me to want to work for seven fucking eleven. but really, i think that's what we all want as human beings. to be appreciated for the jobs we do.. and be treated well for doing them. we all have a story to tell. it's nice when your boss is the one who WANTS to do the listening.

i know a lot of people who could take a lesson (or 50) from joe depinto.

Sunday, March 07, 2010

a HUGE weight has been lifted off my shoulders. it's too bad that the weight had to be lifted off for me. i wish i would have had the strength and courage to lift it off myself.

but that doesn't really matter. it still happened and i couldn't be happier.

i firmly believe that things have a way of working out. events in your life lead to other events.. and sometimes things that seem bad from the outside, are truly blessings in disguise. it's funny what type of things completely freak out other people for you, when they don't freak you out.

i know i'm being vague. just know that my life is changing. for the better. and i feel so good. and so solid. and although i have no idea what is coming next or what the hell i'm going to do.....

i don't care.

i just know that this is the right thing. the best thing. and i can't wait for my next adventure!!!!

Friday, March 05, 2010

one of my closest friends in real life becky (who also happens to have a blog), sent me an email yesterday imploring me to read this post. she told me i HAD to read it. HAD TOO. MUST. that it was the best post she'd ever read, hands down. i would probably die a thousand deaths if i didn't read it. or at least get crabs or something.

when i saw the title of the post (nella-cordella-birth-story) in the link she sent me, i actually hesitated to click on it. i thought, "oh lord becky.. what the hell is going to so special about this post?!?!" cause you see, becky loves stuff like that. she's a nice girl. she loves mommy stuff. she loves reading other mom's super personal experiences like that. she'd probably read strangers birth stories all day if she could. but me? i'm not a super mushy girly girl who likes to read about other women's birth stories. especially if i don't know them. it's not that i don't care.... i'm just not into stuff like that. i don't know. i'd rather read about someone picking out their new puppy. i know, i know, i'm a heartless bitch.

after a little bit, i finally clicked on the link. right away i was captivated by the nella fantasia poem she posted. i loved it. so i kept reading. and she got my attention immediately with her first damn sentence. and i kept reading. all the way to the end. where i noticed that there were 1948 comments. good lord.

anyway, this post. becky was right. it was one of the best blog posts i've ever read in my life. it was honest. and we all know how much i appreciate honesty- even when it's not popular. even when you think people will judge you and look at you with horrified eyes for saying what we all most likely would be thinking and feeling. i appreciate it when someone says out loud the things people don't want to say.... or admit. and she did that. she was emotionally honest. and it was a beautiful thing to read.

and then there were her pictures!!!. i sat there looking at her thinking how stunning she looked. and then i thought to myself, "hell if i ever have another kid, i'm totally going to get my freaking makeup airbrushed for birth so i look perfect in all my pics." ha but really... i'd never read her blog before and i found myself just staring at her thinking of how gorgeous she truly was. and how inspiring her post was. and how she went through this transformation and she wrote it so well and shared it will all of us.... and how lucky we all were to be able to read it. so thank you becks, for sharing that link with me. because i definitely wouldn't have read it otherwise i don't think.

the other thing that stuck out at me, which i'm sure most people probably didn't even notice (or maybe they did). it's weird what stands out to me in other people's posts. the details. the little things. she briefly mentioned a book. a million miles in a thousand years by donald miller. she said she read it and was inspired.

i like being inspired.

i like reading things that inspire me.

so i think i'll get this book. and i think i'll grab a copy for my friends who are moving back to LA (lucky son's of bitches) and starting a new adventure.

has anyone else read it or heard of it?

and oh yeah, go read that birth story. you know, if you're into that sort of thing.

Thursday, March 04, 2010

the craziness from yesterday is all okay!!!!! my friend's future mother in law said she would have the party at her house. she is my saving freaking grace i tell you. saving.grace.

so now i don't have to worry about any ugly house debacles and i just have to worry about planning! which i really love to do and think is super fun, but also super hard when you have NO spare time (it feels like) to do anything. finding time to get shit done is hard.

anyone have any super cute (yet easy and non wallet breaking) clever ideas for bridal shower favors for the guests? i've seen millions and like a few.. but you guys always have creative ideas that you pulled from wherever the hell you pulled them from. and great website suggestions (like yesterday andie, thank you).

i have been working a lot behind the scenes on something i'm hoping will take off in the near future. i've also been watchingthis freaking video (i've been watching bits of it over the last 4 days and i'm still not finished- it's in 2 parts) about the mayan calendar. this guy breaks it down so simply, it's super interesting. i've really loved that he said that our mind is not who we are. our mind is a TOOL. and it's designed to protect itself and always be right. which is why our mind fights our soulful intuition so much.. our mind deals with reasons- and our intuition doesn't always have a reason, you know? it's hard to trust our gut and go with that feeling, because our mind will talk us out of it. it will put fear and doubt into us and make us question everything. i already believe all of this stuff, but it's still neat to hear it put in different ways that just make more and more sense to me.

it's hard to learn what part is intuition and then how to follow it. i guess it's a constant work in progress. i'm willing to work on it.... i want to follow what is the right path for me, in my soul.. not in my mind. cause i believe that my soul path will make me truly happy... and my mind doesn't know wtf is up. ha

okay.. enough scaring y'all for one day.

thanks for everything. seriously, you guys are the best and i really really appreciate each and every one of you for being so kick ass, supportive, and amazing. kisses. xoxo

Wednesday, March 03, 2010

i have to throw a bridal shower for my good friend who is getting married to one of boyfriend's best friends. with me so far?

that part is fine. the throwing of the bridal shower. but i immediately started freaking out because where the fuck was i supposed to have this shower at??? you see, the ugly house is... well.. it's ugly.

and i'm embarassed to have people over at my house when i'm not proud of how it looks. there's a reason we haven't had a housewarming party yet. yes, we've lived there 2 years already. shut it. i'm just not ready to entertain in it. the carpets are ruined. there is dog hair everywhere.. and on everything. the kitchen constantly looks awful because of the way the countertops are tiled. i could clean them with a freaking toothbrush and bleach and they'd still look dirty. it's just old. and it looks it. the fact that people are coming over in the daylight when they can see out of my windows and into my backyard almost makes me want to throw up.

but i don't have a choice. i have to throw this party for a bunch of people i don't know.. in my home. and i'm hating everything about that. have i mentioned the fact that some of the chicks coming are people that boyfriend went to high school with? and dated? and these fucking girls are going to be in my home?? my HOME. my PERSONAL space.

i pretty much hate everything about this entire situation.

we looked into renting a space somewhere, but i'm not paying $500 bucks to rent a location for a freaking bridal shower. that is ridiculous to me. plus i'm not in any sort of situation to spend that kind of money on something like that.

so at my house it is.

am i being a complete ridiculous bitch on this one?! or just ridiculous?