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UK Too Safe For Safety

LEXINGTON, KY-

In an effort to save funds after the governor strangled its funding like so many puppies, the University of Kentucky will be removing all blue safety towers on campus.

“This is truly for the students’ benefit,” reported UK officials, most notably U. Kay O’Fishal. “The money saved from the removal will prevent the University from having to raise tuition next year in order to maintain Coach Cal’s huge, underground vault of money.”

O’Fishal went on to elaborate: “Besides, UK is completely, undeniably safe. Absolutely nothing bad happens here. Nothing. Who told you bad things happen, huh? Who? WHO TOLD YOU?!?!” O’Fishal shouted, grabbing the collars of passing students and shaking them violently. Flecks of spittle covered the faces of the unfortunate undergrads staring into the swollen, red, Trump-esque face of the enraged official, whereupon our reporters quickly fled the scene, taking this as a cue that the official statement was over.

It is the humble opinion of this real and legitimate student reporter that UK does not need the blue towers. The UK students feel that this is the absolute safest campus in the country, which coincidentally happens to also be the exact view of UK officials trying to save money. Absolutely no sexual assaults occur on campus. Ever. No UK athletes have ever been punished for related incidents, because these gods among men never do anything wrong. And, of course, UK students are perfectly happy with the state of things on campus and absolutely do not think we require increased security of any kind.

“Also, there is no war in Ba Sing Sae,” the heavily-breathing O’Fishal concluded.