Microsoft foils Russian political hack with 12-hour Windows update

Microsoft has foiled a hacking group simply by asking them to update Windows on their computers.

The hacking group Fancy Bear had planned to hack several US conservative websites in order to gather data on American citizens.

“That was the plan, many, many hours ago,” said hacker, Simon Williamski, staring at the screen while sporting a beard that wasn’t there when he first turned on his computer.

“I’ve been watching this screen that says ‘Please wait while Windows configures updates’ since breakfast. Right now, it’s still only on 47%. It’s taken seven hours to get this far.

“I keep hoping it will do that thing that computers do sometimes where the number suddenly very quickly goes up to 100% and then lets me get started with my work, but it just isn’t. If anything, I think it might be getting slower.

“How am I supposed to bring chaos to the United States with this kind of crappy operating system?

I keep telling Vladimir that we need MacBooks, but he’s just not willing to fork out the cash, the stingy twat. Apparently, a few of the sanctions are biting on his cash reserves.

“It wasn’t like this in the early 2000s. Things just worked. There was even a cute little paperclip that popped up that said ‘It looks like you’re trying to unfairly influence the democratic processes of the USA, would you like some help?’. I miss that little guy.”

A Microsoft spokesman told us, “See. You thought we were just making substandard software, completely unaware of our long game.