At the very beginning, there was Ratopia. Then, there's ratology. In ratology, we observe whether psychotic and neurotic people could amount to something. Then, there came the spinal disc herniation and impingement, bringing forth the stage of physical disability. Could someone like me go anywhere or amount to anything is the question. After the official ending of the second psychotic episode lasted for 5 years, I am ready to move on to the next phase of Ratology- as the solutions unfold.

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Friday, February 6, 2009

Conversion disorder revisited

After what happened these two days with my mobility issue, on my way out to work today, I put my back brace on with the eating pad attached. I also spent that two dollars of bus fare to get to my workplace 10 Manhattan blocks away....

So, I got to work on time...

I arrived at work with not too much of them spasms...

At some point during the day, someone told me this funny story....

Someone saw two guys helping me into a car yesterday and they came asking him whether I was abducted.

Some funny side story there...

Yet, what happened yesterday was left to yesterday....

Today, I got myself well-prepared....

In addition to a pair of jumper under the jeans, three sweater and a heavy shirt plus the heavy winter coat... plus a pad heated for 20 seconds in the microwave...

I could move around with more elegance...

I actually made it home with negligent numbers of stops....

Since I was locked down inside by my body last night (instead of due to my head, once for a change), I went hanging out tonight, instead.... while, in my head, I couldn't figure it out... a logical reason for the drastic difference in my mobility over 1 day..

I could attribute it to the 3 hours plus exercise I did after I got home yesterday...

I could attribute it to the warming up of the weather...

I could make myself belief that all is logical and there is nothing more needed to be said...

Yet, it just doesn't make sense....

It absolutely doesn't make sense... the drastic differences in how I walked yesterday and how much more smoothly I am moving today...

This is crazier, actually, than my hearing voices and having delusional thoughts... the differences between how I am today and how I was yesterday...

Sort of traumatized by the perceivable inconsistency... I would say...

It makes no sense... and, to be honest, it is far more fxcked up and illogical than I could take and I was ever asked to take...

And, the term conversion disorder came up to my mind....

I thought to myself....

Why don't I just attribute the whole 9 yards to conversion disorder?

The labeling of conversion disorder makes the drastic differences so much legit and so much easier to accept... what is otherwise unexplainable.... and regardless what conversion disorder really means...

For the first time in my life, I find myself seeking comfort in a label I once tried so hard to evade....

Nice label... conversion disorder... so I thought and feel still... for... assuming myself to have conversion disorder... no longer is it my burden to figure out what exactly has taken place.... and, it makes me feel so sure.... because... it can't be real...

I don't know what it be like for you... to live through a day when both feet dropped while facing minor mobility problem for the second day... for me, somehow all of it just makes me feel so much more cognitively dissonant than I could take and it just can't be real... 8-O lol sigh