AIBU about this situation with the Ex-wife or is my friend?

Was chatting with a friend today about my weekend, how DP and I had taken his DC out for the day on Saturday, etc. Friend asked me what his Ex-w thinks about it, I said I haven't a clue as he's not told her about me.

Friend thinks that's terrible, that she'd want to know and that it's unfair on the Ex-w that he hasn't spoken to her about it. I don't think it's a big deal and don't think she really NEEDS to know, especially as they're not exactly on great terms.

I think on something as big as him introducing his children to you, he should have had the curtesy to let his exwife know, rather than hearing about it from the children on their return, hopefully the children took it well.

The DC are with him 3 days a week. I've been spending weekends, or parts of weekends anyway, with them for the last couple of months, basically from when we'd been together for 6 months (wanted to leave it that long so we both knew it was longterm).

DC are under 7. I don't know if they've said anything to their mum about me. She hasn't asked DP about me/us, so we don't think they have.

It's really only basic courtesy for one parent to ensure that the other is informed of certain things. A significant relationship with someone who is spending time with their child is something that ought to be shared. It's just polite.

I agree with your friend. It's a basic courtesy to your children's other parent when you're going to be taking a new partner out with your children, and it's disrespectful to both the children's and the mothers feelings not to tell them.

He has the right to choose not to tell her as it's up to him who he mixes with on his contact time, but I don't think it makes him a nice person to make that choice.

If they're not on great terms then there doesn't seem to be any point in creating more animosity for the sake of it.Presumably (given the shared care arrangement in place) his ex trusts him as a parent, as he does her?

In cases of shared care where parents are not amicable, the phrase "parallel parenting" is often used. It basically means that each parent allows the other to get on with the business of parenting without interference.Co-parenting is obviously better for everyone, but at least parallel parenting avoids conflict over things that are just disagreements over parenting style.

Like I said, they're not on great terms. He tried to be amicable with her initially for the sake of the DC but that didn't work out. Now there is very little communication between them, so it's not like he could casually mention it in conversation because they don't really have any kind of conversations.

You are creating a problem for yourselves if this is a long term relationship. If those children go home and mention you, which they will, of course they will, she is bound to ask what they have been up to, she is going to go ballistic. He needs to be honest and up front.

I would be worried about being in a relationship with someone who was so dishonest, does he say why they split up, do you believe him?

I'd have major concerns about seeing someone who has animosity in a relationship that saw them create children just a few years ago, and even more so because he thinks this animosity makes it ok for him to neglect to tell his co parent that his is doing something that could impact significantly on his children in the future.

I'm quite surprised by how many people take the view this is terrible.

I wonder how many of you are actually divorced/separated and for whatever reason don't have an amicable relationship with your Exh or Exp?

I suspect a lot of you may (like my friend) be viewing this from the fortunate position of being in happy marriages. It's nice to think that if you divorced everything would stay pally but that often isn't possible.

As to meeting her, I really have no interest in doing so, why would I?!