Wednesday, December 28, 2005

I got a sweet new digital camera for x-mas, so now please expect pics from both Amanda and myself. My first collection will be a Christmas spectacular, starring a deep fried turkey, try not to pee yourself while trembling with anticipation.That's all for now.~Boulos

Ok, I thought that the Dunkin Donuts guy died like 10 years ago, (much like how the wife thought Robert Palmer died roughly 5 years before he did) but apparently he passed away this weekend, of complications from Diabetes. I'm sure that Dunkin Donuts isn't too happy that his cause of death was a disease so closely related to sugar.... ooops. Well, RIP Michael Vale, AKA "Fred the Baker", it was a sweet ride...

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

One of my 2 favorite NY1 anchors, Roger Clark (Pat is the third in my dream NY1 menage e trois, which I just spelled wrong) clearly cannot make it to work. Or, the cameramen cannot get to him in Queens. He is currently reporting by phone and they chose the worst still shot of him EVER to put on the television. I think I can hear NY1 interns laughing in the background. They probably had a competition on who could find his worst moment; he looks like he has marbles in his mouth. Oh, Roger!!!!! Such fallout from the strike so soon. It's sad.

Hahaha. I laugh in the face of MTA workers and their "strike," which means nothing to me because I am still unemployed, and all things that I require are available within walking distance. And, my metro card is pay per ride and not unlimited. HA!

Of course, really I should cry. I think the ultimate proof that my life has become pretty much void of meaning is here – I am sitting in front of NY1 at 3:30 am, waiting with bated breath for more news on the strike that doesn’t affect me at all, and drinking whiskey. The wife called me on Thursday (we’ve been undergoing a short trial separation but she returns home tomorrow) and asked, "what are you going to do if they strike?" Then we both laughed at the absurdity of that question. Me? I’ll sit home and email some resumes, watch a movie, get drunk and light things on fire to see what they smell like when burning. So I asked, um, what will YOU do? You have an actual job. In fact I asked this of a few people. Most people said, I don’t know. So the little bit of actual human interaction I have been experiencing lately = pointless conversation.

In an attempt to summarize my weekend, I’ll say: concentrated almost wholey on making sweet playlists, oh and also got way too drunk and made bad decisions. I woke up on Sunday, couldn’t remember half of Saturday night, took one look at the bottle of whiskey and knew why. Yes, MY bottle of whiskey – I settled on "alcoholic hermit" Saturday night after being a public idiot on Friday. I went Christmas shopping tonight – it was exciting because I haven’t ventured off my block since Friday, really – and, like the holiday asshole I am, I spent more money on myself than I did on others. I am really good at being on unemployment, and at self-control in general. But hey, I’m listening to the Stellastar album, one of my gifts to myself, and it’s pretty good.

Anyway, Happy Holidays, everyone! Merry Christmas specifically, as that is the holiday I personally celebrate. I can’t wait to go back to Chicago on Friday. I am looking forward to a much-needed interruption to my alcoholic, nocturnal, hermit-like ways as of late.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

As you may have noticed, we have not been posting for a couple weeks. As anyone who reads this blog probably already knows, Boulos's father passed away a little over a week ago. He was a really cool guy and we miss him a lot.

Just wanted to take some time to acknowledge this before returning to our regular posts of drunken antics and whatnot. Will have stories to share very very soon.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Alright... it is about time for the Thanksgiving roundup, Jersey style. It all started with the grand tradidion of BIG WEDNESDAY, a sort of homecoming of sorts that takes place on Thanksgiving Eve. The Jerz peeps and I set out to the lovely Sun Tavern, in Scotch Plains, NJ to imbibe some alcohol and run into roughly half of my 1998 graduating class. I went out with Alice, her boyf Dave, and her friend from college, Hilary. Dave and Hilary were new to the Big Wednesday tradition, and were quite entertained by the unofficial reunion that happens there annualy. Man, the place was more packed than I'd ever seen it! We ran into Jay, who's a big fan of the blog, apparently, that bitch hadn't even told me he was coming to Jerz!! It was good to see you Jay, I hope you're proud to have made it into the blog. At one point I ran into Lindy, who'd been my next-door locker neighbor all 4 years of high school. That girl was always kind of weird, but she has COMPLETELY lost it since. I don't know WTF kind of drugs she's on, but she was fried out of her mind. I mean, she was worse than people I've seen on acid. At one point I asked her if she still had the trampoline a bunch of us bought her for her sweet 16, and her repsponse was screaming "Trampoline, Trampoline!" while jumping up and down. Ok, somehow this girl is in grad school right now, but she could not conduct herself like a sane human for five minutes, how is that possible?? Well, as I was at the mercy of Alice, my designated driver, I got home by a little after 1am, which worked out I guess, b/c I had to get up pretty early for Thanksgiving!

Thursday was the day I'd been dreading most, as the boyf was coming over to spend an entire Holiday with me and my family. It went pretty well, although his choice of stories included lots of drunken firemen times, which are always highly amusing, but seem to be an odd choice to share with my parents. They seem to like him well enough though, and overall a good time was had by all. My mom once again did a kick ass job making us an excellent turkey dinner. After the turkey naps, we had some dessert, and then it was time for Andy to hit the road, since he decided he wanted to go hunting on Fri. It was sad to see him go, but the debauchery would go on!

Now, although Wed. was "big" nothing rocked harder than my Friday night in terms of drunkeness or RANDOMNESS. Seriously. I met up with some of my old school peeps, I'd been friends with since the SEVENTH GRADE!!!!! FOURTEEN YEARS MAN!!!!! Oh man, good times were had. We started out in Cranford at the Riverside Inn, a cute lil' bar that was pretty popular. I'd never been there, but it was cool. We went there first b/c Liz was kinda sick and didn't think she'd make it out late long enough to travel to Hoboken with us. So after a drink we were picked up by Michelle & Michelle, and we were off to the home of frat boys, yuppies, and mobsters, Hoboken, NJ. We started by heading to the apt. of a whole bunch of peeps I went to high school with, but never really talked to. THery were all perfectly nice, just completely random. The apt is 2 stories and 3 people live there, 2 Lauras and this guy Jay (different Jay from Wed). One of the Laura's apparently lied and said that my friend Mari had told her Jay was looking for a place, when in actuality, she just wanted him to live there. This was quite the 3's company situation, as the whole night leading up to Laura's confession involved Mari asking everyone why Jay thinks she got him the apt. It was really odd... I digress though.We ended up going to this bar 10th & Willow, where many drinks were drank, I danced w/Debbie, Mari, the Michelles, the Lauras, and Jay. I got mad drunk and proceeded to yell at randoms out the car window while on the way to the diner. Following the drunken nosh at UPD, best diner ever, I was dropped off at home @ 3:30am, just in time to accompany my Mom as she drove my Dad & bro to the airport. Nothing's better than being trashed and riding with your whole fam to the airport in the middle of the night, haha.

Sat was shopping w/ my Mom- she bought me fun stuff for my upcoming bday! Yay! Sun was chill, we made turkey soup, and then Andy came and picked me up to see him for a bit before it was time to return to the real world.

So, besides the fact that I woke up with a fever of 101, and basically feel like ass today here at work, I am happy to say that yet another Thanksgiving full of fun has gone by, and it really reminded me what crazy times I had with those high school girls! Those were some awesome Jersey Times, perhaps we'll have more fun times over Christmas!! Peace out, fools!~B

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Well, I'm back. It would seem that I've had all the time in the world these past couple weeks with which to update this, but sleeping late, watching tv, refusing to dress in anything more professional than a wifebeater, and... um, oh yeah, applying for unemployment while sending out resumes -- these things have really been taking up a lot of my time. As Boulos has already noted, I was unceremoniously fired from my 3-year stint at an evil reinsurance company that I will not name (except to say, you can figure it out by rearranging the letters of MTSR, LCL.). But it's not all bad news. As it turns out, unemployment is pretty generous. And I really did not want to die a claims examiner, anyway. Oh, and Ass Pirate was also fired (the alleged basis of our terminations, though I was not lucky enough to receive a personal explanation, was our emailing habits), so I have a friend with whom I can eat bonbons and watch soaps in my wifebeater. That is, if I wake up early enough to catch the soaps.

In any case, it is really much more important to go over the details of our Halloween. It seemed like Halloween should suck since it was on a Monday, but really that just meant an entire weekend of parties, followed by a Monday night out on the town. Originally I had taken a personal day on Tuesday so that I could avoid calling in sick (see: my St. Patrick's Day fiasco... hmm maybe I deserved my termination), but that was no longer really an issue.

We started off with Sarah's costume party on Friday night (the Waves). Here's a couple hot pictures from that:

I was a witch:

While Boulos was a dark angel:

Ironically, this was the first picture taken at the party, and Tania and Boulos are "pretending" to be drunk:

And eventually, the party became a drunken dance party (yes, this is what happens when a bunch of girls get drunk together -- but also notice that some of these are rack shots, since the one guy who stuck it out til the end got my camera for awhile):

And people were dancing on the table, too:

Saturday was our Halloween party, which was quiet fun and a bit wild. There was nipple-licking:

and the appearance of bare breasts (though I did not take pictures of that, as I am not this guy). I did, however, get pictures of guys staring at my breasts:

Catra was there, smoking like the slut she is:

And Brandon Flowers of the Killers made an appearance:

Well, ok, that's his doppleganger. Afterwards we headed over to Rudy's, where the wife pretended to lick me. Which may not be totally apparent in this picture, but she would kill me if I posted the one where it is more obvious.

We took Sunday night off, but Halloween was a blast. We skipped the parade and started out at a party in the east village, where we attempted dancing:

But the dj totally sucked -- he would play one song that would get the whole room on their feet, and follow it up with slow, strange nature sounds. No thanks, dude. So we left and went over to Barrow Street, which is kind of a Halloween tradition for us -- the west village is the place to go for good costumes. Unfortunately, I didn't manage to get any pictures of those. In fact, I didn't manage to get many pictures of actual Halloween. Whoops. Well, here's a crappy one of Boulos and myself, drunk at Barrow Street:

And that was Halloween. Which was followed by a relaxing week off, some drinking last weekend (despite a nasty cold that I developed), and more time off. Ass Pirate and I took advantage of the time off and went drinking Sunday night after a delicious feast at PJ and Archana's, but I find that drinking on Sunday nights is really more fun when you have to get up in the morning. Ah, well. Time for bed, as I actually have plans to do things tomorrow, things that involve getting out of bed before 3 pm. I have to fashion a robot costume for the weekly Waves party (robot theme), which I am way more excited about than I probably should be, as it represents a chance for me to leave the house and socialize with someone other than our bunny, or Boulos. YAY!

Monday, November 07, 2005

What up?? Many life altering changes have happened for us unicorns in the past week. Amanda has lost her job, but I will leave it to her to update all you cyber fools on that subject. Halloween came and went, and our party was fantastic. The unfortunate event of the party was my drunken stumble, which ended with me falling chin first onto bun's cage. Despite the blood, I am fine, and clearly have not learned any lessons about my relationship with alcohol... which brings me to the events of Saturday November 5, 2005.After spending a couple of nights in Jersey, Andy & I came in for a housewarming party for a friend of Amanda's. The girl, Mary, moved only a block away from us, so it seemed like it would be a fun and convenient night. Oh no... this was not to be. Andy decided to grab a beer for the road, and none of us thought twice about it, since the block between 9th & 10th is usually pretty dead at night. When we got to the the corner Amanda, Andy & Archana ran into the deli to get more beer to bring to the party. I stayed outside, holding Andy's beer, and, well, drinking it. I was already a little drunk, so it was kind of hard to cover up the beer bottle, being that it was a Miller High Life (the champagne of beers), it was pretty big to begin with. Some guys said something to me about drinking it, and I was quite brazen I suppose, but since our final destination was across the street, it didn't at all seem like a big deal. Oh man, I was wrong. When everyone exited the deli, I was immediately stopped by 2 cops. Unfortunately for me, they were under cover, and the one directly talking to me looked like he was about 14. So, when he pulled out his badge, I looked at it, said "Happy Halloween", and kept walking, however that wasn't a good idea. To summarize the rest- I got a damn summons for having an "open container", and spent most of my morning trying to figure out where to send the $25! According to this it happens all the time, and I could EASILY fight it, since they put the wrong court date on my ticket I would win, but who wants to take a day off of work to hang out in criminal court? Um, not me, thanks. So... if this ever happens to you, go here, and you will find all the forms you need.As for the party that night, it was cool, the best part is the wall they allowed everyone to write on. I wrote a lovely haiku about my criminal experience, but I can't really remember it. At least I didn't scratch every other word out like Amanda did, LOL. Andy fell asleep @ the party, and we left. Not the best of nights, but one that will certainly go down in my personal history! haha.As for Halloween pics, perhaps I'll get the wife to post some this week.Until then, stay outta jail!~Your fave jail bird

Friday, October 28, 2005

Last night, the wife & I took a little walk down to Gristedes to buy some pumpkins to carve for our party. They turned out AWESOME, as you will see in Halloween pics to be put up sometime next week. However, while in line at the 26th st. Gristedes, the neighboring cashier started asking our cashier some questions, starting with "How do pumpkins grow?" Perhaps being embarrased by her co-workers ignorance, or just playing deaf, the question went unanswered, until I volunteered, "On a vine." The next question is proof that at some point in life, even city kids good benefit from a field trip to a farm or something, or perhaps just to eat somewhere other than McDonald's. As I unloaded my pumpkin onto the counter she asked, "So, can you like eat them and stuff?" Oh Lord... trying to be nice, and hold back the laughter I responded w/ "Uh... yeah, like pumpkin pie, pumpkin seeds, etc". She was all "oh yeah!"Between that excahange, and Amanda knocking over a display of frosting in a spray can, that was quite possibly one of the funniest grocery store trips ever.Alright- uh, I guess I should do some work or something?? Will update more after the 3 upcoming Halloween parties, I can't wait!! Happy Halloween everyone!Love Ya!!-BOO-los mwahahaha

I meant to write about my weekend earlier this week, but neglected to, and now the memory is hazy… it’s like, um, drank a lot and had fun. Oh yeah, saw a bunch of people from college on Friday, flirted with a cute bartender (which is of NEWSFLASH status, I think), stuck a note in a table that we discovered was a desk (it read: “Dear You, You opened the drawer and I love you. Call me. Love, Amanda,” and had my phone number. I received 2 calls the next day). It was good times. On Saturday, Archana invited me, Tania and Sarah to this party in Tribeca… it was strange, in a huge apartment, with a dj and 2 kegs. You could hear the party from the street, but luckily they had invited the whole building. Very frat-like, but fun. This one guy was dancing like an insane monkey (in a really unappealing way) while wearing a sweater, and when I got in line for the bathroom he cut me, with stains on the back of his tshirt, claiming some girl had spilled water on him and he needed to use the bathroom immediately. Um, sweater guy? We all saw you dancing in that sweater. I am well aware that those are sweat stains. Our conversation went like:

“So, I’ll be quick, just let me go first” “Um, I think I can be faster than you. What are you planning to do about that anyway?” “Rinse out my shirt.” “Yeah, I can definitely be faster than you.”

And he proceeded to go in before me anyway. Chivalry is dead!

And this weekend – Halloween!!! Yay! The wife and I cleaned the apartment, carved pumpkins, and toasted pumpkin seeds last night in preparation for our spooky Halloween bash that is set for tomorrow. Tonight, however, we will pop our costumes’ cherries at Sarah’s party. Hopefully they don’t bleed all over the sheets. Then of course it is off to the bars on Monday, real Halloween. I have taken Tuesday off work, to avoid calling in sick at 12:30 a la last St. Patrick’s Day. As for the costumes; after being RocknRoll Unicorns last year – a concept we pretty much made up, with some inspiration from cable access and Lisa Frank – we are dressing more traditionally this year. I’ll be going as a spooky witch, while Boulos is a dark angel.

Pictures, etc to follow next week.

Spookily,amanda

p.s. I tried to include a picture of an adorable baby and a pumpkin, but the image thingy wasn't working :(

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

OMG Nick Cage is crazy. So we all heard how he named his won Kal-El, which is apparantly Superman's birth name (I am not nerdy enough to know this off the top of my head). But his statement on the name is just, well, retarded:

"Alice and I wanted to have a name that was exotic and American and which stood for something good, because our son is exotic and he's American and we both think he's good. But having said that, I always liked the sound of the name. It has kind of a magical ring to it: Abracadabra Kal-El Shazam!" (from imdb.com)

Oh, I am so glad to hear that they think their son is good. That's really heartwarming. My heart is also warm with thoughts of the abuse this child will suffer at the hands of bullies in the schoolyard.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Hello All!Another weekend has gone by. Mine was spent partially w/the fam out in good ole' Westfield, NJ, where I spent my formative years. The visit was punctuated with my boyfriend's first presence @ a family dinner. He had met my 'rents briefly in the past, but this was the longest time for all of them to spend together, and I think it went pretty well. I was also drinking heavily during this time to help get through any possible awkward silences, so perhaps my view of the entire evening is a bit skewed, but oh well. I unfortunately missed the sweet mini NYU reunion that the wife went to, and the open bar party on Sat, but I'm sure she'll be telling you all about those sometime soon.After arriving to work a little hungover, and completely exhausted on a Monday morning, I just wanted to pretend to get some stuff done, drink some coffee, and enjoy the TV in my office. Ellen, usually a trustworthy source of distraction and amusment, but yesterday seemed as though it were an early Halloween epidsode. The most horrifying, nauseating, dispicable display ocurred... AN INTERVIEW WITH BARBARA STREISAND! If you can't tell, the woman makes me want to die. I find her to be almost completely without talent (unless you consider somehow tricking an entire nation, and a sexy older dude that you are worth something a talent), utterly arrogant, and overall a complete an utter festival of crap. Contained in this interview were the following statements:

Upon being asked "what kind of music do you listen to?" her response was "Why would I listen to music? I don't listen to music!" in an entirely defiant manner...

When asked if she ever sings around the house, her response "Why would I do that? I NEVER EVER sing around the house!" Follow up of "not even in the shower?" She continued to act horrified esp. when discovering that millions of people all over the world are shower singers.

Although this list could go on forever, I will end it with this. Ellen asks, "What made you decide to do this record, and why did you choose to let me interview you?" Babs replies, "Pressure for my label, and you have high ratings" without an ounce of irony. WHAT IS THIS WOMAN'S DAMAGE???

Seriously, my boss and I nearly lost it. This woman needs serious help. I also really could have lived without the knowledge that she never wears a bra. If you want to see some of the interview, click here.

Friday, October 21, 2005

So a coworker has decided to organize a team to participate in this. I’m totally signing up, as we plan to combine scheming, strategy, scavenging, and booze.

God, I am soooo over work. For the past two days, I have been coming in at 10:30, insanely hung over. Needing water. So I have this bottle that I have been refilling from our water cooler for like a month, and today I confirmed what I have suspected for a couple days: the water is turning a slight brownish color. But I keep drinking anyway. Why is it brownish? I mean it’s just water. Which is what I keep telling myself as I drink this obviously disease-ridden stuff. If I have that avian flu next week, I think we will know why.

But this is not why I am over work. The fact is, I am useless. My brain is mush, my body aches, and I have no ability to concentrate. I think the drink is turning me into an ADD-ridden old lady. Last night was Sarah’s Cowboy & Indian –themed party, which was pretty entertaining. I think I drank 2 bottles of wine, and I went with the intention of only dabbling in alcohol. Whoops! The wife made it to this one, and some of the usual suspects were there, as were other random folk. After Pam, Sarah and I compared our versions of the architect party of the night previous, we listened to cowboy music and played some poker. This odd fellow we had not seen for years, who once molested my friend under a table, showed up. We made an effort not to sit next to him. Hoping to actually wake up in my own bed today, I left around 3 or so, but got sidetracked on the way home and wound up at our old college haunt, Barrow Street Ale House. I was good, though, and sent myself home after a beer and some chitchat with another fave bartender, Dr. Z.

Tonight I might get a chance to hang out with a college buddy I haven’t seen in at least a year. But for now, back to blankly staring at claims, and writing emails to friends so that I look like I’m working.

Amanda

p.s. Everyone must come to this! In costume, and that means you, Ass Pirate!

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Little-known fact: architects are drunken crazy party animals! Well, ok, I think maybe people pretending to be architects for free drinks are drunken crazy party animals, but man, those architects can dance.

Last night, Sarah D. invited Tania and myself to join her, her roommate Pam, and her fellow architect-types at some, um, architect function? I’m not really sure what the point of it was, though I do remember that the party was at some kind of swanky fabric place in Chelsea. Look, the important thing is: there was an open bar. Also, the invitation indicated that there was dancing “from 7:30 to ?” See? Architects are crazy. They will party until ? !!!! Which turned out to be like 10 or 11 pm, but still. Clearly they were thinking, dawn perhaps?

In any case, Tania and I did a very poor job of pretending to be architects – I mean basically we muttered things about blueprints to one another while waiting for Sarah, gave up on talking about anything related once we were in, and by the end of the night I was revealing my true identity: insurance claims woman.

The place was packed at first and it was really hard to get a drink. One particularly snobby architect-man was heard saying, “jesus, let’s just go get a drink at a bar. This is NOT my scene.” Um, hello! Free drinks = you wait a bit for them, but by the end of the night, feel like some kind of champion who has pulled one over on “the man” by getting shitfaced for free. Duh. However, a few hours after we got there, the party started to thin out (read: it was totally easy to get 2 glasses of wine and begin double-fisting within about 8.5 seconds of one’s approach to the bar). This is also when I looked over towards the dj (ridiculous) and exclaimed, “oh my god you guys – people are actually dancing.”

I was slightly horrified by this – I really don’t believe in dancing at work or networking type events – but I soon noticed that most people in our little group had begun dancing in a rather self-conscious and sarcastic manner. Since I had been double-fisting for a couple rounds by then, I was easily led to the “dance floor,” where my cohorts and I alternated between laughing at people in suits making asses of themselves, and making complete asses of OURselves. By the time the dj stopped playing “In the Club” and salsa music (which pretty much sums up his selection), we had made some new friends, if that is the right word for people you hang out with for a night with no intention of ever contacting again come daybreak. Sarah and Tania claimed fatigue and left, but Pam and I were in it for the long haul, and followed our new “friends” down the road to another bar. Which is were things become hazy. Generally, there was a lot of smoking, a bad decision to sing some karaoke (me: Bohemian Rhapsody with a boy I’d met 2 minutes earlier), I switched to water to avoid the bathroom floor, and some guy we were vaguely connected to was arrested for drunkenly berating the bouncer. Also, I misplaced my phone at some point, which put a damper on the night – but Pam saved my life by calling me at work this morning to inform me that she had somehow wound up with it. Yay Pam!

I stopped off at Tempest Bar on my way home to discover that my favorite English bartender, Martin, is back! He had left us to join the cast of the touring Spamalot, which sadly was cancelled. It is always fun to be reunited with a good bartender, though.

Tonight is Pam and Sarah’s crazy Cowboys and Indians party. Hopefully I will feel less nauseas, more conscious, and ready to fall off the wagon again by then.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

One of the benefits of working for a national TV network is the occasional brush w/celebrities. So, my boss and I just ran down to see country icon and drag queen idol, Dolly Parton perform live on the View. The entire experience was so surreal! Dolly sang a Janice Joplin cover, "Me & Bobby McGee", and did an amazing job! I ran into J there, a prominent tv big wig, in his own right (and he was doing a lot better than Friday night). He is quite the Dolly fan, so I was not surprised to see him there. It was so odd to be watching Dolly Parton between the heads of Merideth Viera and Star Jones... does it get more random??? Dolly Parton is SO TINY, and her boobs are out of control, for real. I am surprised that lil' lady doesn't fall over more often. The funniest thing is that my boss DID NOT KNOW THAT DOLLY'S BOOBS ARE FAKE!!! WHAT?!?!?!?? She thought they were real... that is ridiculous, but awesome.Alright, well, that's pretty much the most interesting thing to happen to me in the past couple o' days! Man, someone shoudl totally dress up like Dolly for our costume party! Perhaps I will rock that some day... till then, I'll leave it to the drag queens:)~Boulos

Monday, October 17, 2005

Oh, weekend. I had a very good Friday night, as Boulos has already indicated. I was able to get completely intoxicated in the company of about 15 close friends when the Man, who we will call Mr. Big (wait is that someone else’s alias already?), left behind his credit card and ordered us to celebrate Diana’s birthday on him. For a night, life was everything I’d ever dreamed it could be. The weird and creepy bartender -- who is also good-looking and thus fools all the ladies into wanting to hump him until they realize he is, um, weird and creepy -- makes very good martinis. I nearly fell in love with him purely based on the fact that he was the one handing me free drinks. And that is about all that can be said for him. Plans were to head over to the Lower East Side after leaving our afterwork bar, but everyone I work with crapped out, despite the fact that I was pointing to myself and yelling “WOKE UP ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR” to anyone who would listen.

They tiredly admitted that I was the champion that night, and Boulos and I headed over to Orchard Bar, where one of my favorite bloggers was djing. The music was great, and intoxication led to me dancing, led to me making out with a random guy on the dance floor (to clarify: he pretty much attacked me). Erika and Bonnie showed up, followed by a very drunk Jesse. He basically heckled a guy on the street into making out with me by repeatedly accusing him of being gay, and then daring him to kiss me and prove his heterosexuality (oh how quickly I forget the boys who kiss and run on the dance floor!). On my way out of the bar, I passed Carlos D going into the bar (newsflash: Interpol is kind of my obsession), and turned around to follow him in. I was met by a kind of “Really?” look from some guy at the bar, which forced me to confront the fact that I was now all alone, and had absolutely no way of interacting with Mr. D that didn’t involve slurring and stumbling around. So I turned back, and eventually found my way home, where I apparently complained incessantly of being too drunk before passing out on the couch.

Saturday evening I met Erika and Sandy for a quick dinner at Au Bon Pain, followed by a viewing of The Squid and the Whale. I would definitely recommend this movie. I didn’t expect a movie that basically chronicles the dissolution of a really, really dysfunctional marriage, particularly from the kids’ perspective, to be so funny. Often in a cringe-and-laugh way, but it’s definitely worth the $10. Jeff Daniels is kind of this year's Jeff Bridges (as in, A Door in the Floor) -- deserving of an Oscar I'm sure he won't get. Laura Linney is great too.

Saturday night was a bit of a letdown. While I enjoyed hanging out with Archana, PJ, and all of their chef friends, I paid $40 for 4 drinks that barely got me buzzed, and then stood on the corner and watched my after-hours bar get busted. So I went home and passed out on the couch, to Lifetime Movie Network, which resulted in a lot of waking up to Judith Light looking uglier than ever, and having nightmares about being molested by prison guards. It was strange. I also woke up with the worst hangover-cold (what is this? it only recently began happening to me) ever, so I basically slept and watched tv on Sunday. Which was much more difficult than it sounds, since our DVR has been going insane, and the cable itself is iffy right now.

At what point does anyone find it appropriate to incessantly giggle and loudly make out with their boyfriend on an 8am bus ride into the city? Ok, unless I am drunk, my boyfriend is drunk, or we're both drunk, we NEVER carry on in public like that, as it could possibly cause others to throw up directly on us. I mean, after this excellent weekend, I have to wake up to a morning of freezing weather, and this bullshit? Seriously, it ain't right, but onto the fun stuff...

Friday night consisted of being treated to hours of free drinks and appetizers courtesy of one of Amanda's bosses or something (some high up dude). I met the other KB who works with Amanda, and apparently she is the insurance company version of me, weird. Those insurance peeps know how to party, that is for sure, and I gotta go back to that bar, b/c the espresso martini was unreal. Following the fun times w/teammate, co-star, Amanda's cyberfriend, and all those insurance fools, we headed over to check out one of Amanda's fave bloggers who was spinning @ Orchard Bar. The hilarity that ensued at this bar was overwhelming. First of all, I don' t know who these retards were, but while outside for a cig we heard one dude on his phone, calling it "Orchid Bar", hi, learn to read, thanks. Then, this other moron appears and keeps yelling on his phone that the bar is on Rivington. He even goes so far to say "It's like Irvington, without the front letters"... um are you kidding. IT IS CALLED ORCHARD BAR BECAUSE IT IS ON ORCHARD STREET!!!!!!!! I don't know if these hipsters had overdosed on Sparks and fanny packs or what, but they were out of control. In the midst of this, I had some drunken convos w/the boyf, who was drunk enough to be convinced to come into the city, nice.So, upon leaving the bar, Amanda wandered out w/me to smoke, and J rolled up, and was quite trashed, in such a glamorous way. He appeared while on the phone w/a friend of his, telling the kid to "take shelter", it was hilarious. As I left the 2 trashed ones, I went to Rudy's to meet the boyf around 3. This is where I met some Roller Derby chicks who attempted to beat the boyf (it was a joke, but so fucking weird, I can't even deal).----I need to take a moment to interrupt myself to tell you all that SIMPLY RED is back, the dude is singing this song that could induce violent behavior, it's so bad. This is the problem with having a TV in your office, sometimes they just allow things on TV without proper warning, and it can be really traumatic.----Alright, so, after the misunderstanding w/the Roller Derby chicks, they introduced themselves. The first one was all "Hi, nice to meet you, my name is MALICIOUS", ok... the other one was Ginger, and she forced me to do the "secret girl handshake", uh, sure. After that, it was just drunken craziness. The boyf and I returned to Amanda drunkenly eating pizza on the couch. We all just acted crazy for a bit, and then we passed out around 5am or something.

Saturday night= drunk times w/boyf, making dinner, and then a serious WWF wrestling fight, which has led to some painful bruises and rug burn. The funniest was the appearance of his sister and her fiancee who think we're pretty insane b/c of this, but it was good times.

Sunday was such a Sunday, helping out w/the empty apt. in my boyf's house, making dinner for all us peeps, chilling w/his 16 month old niece, etc.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

The Black-Eyed Peas have lowered the tastefulness bar on pop music even further (and we thought that their low point was Fergie peeing herself onstage!). I may be a bit late on this, but I never listen to the radio. I was in Chicago a few weekends ago, however, and my sister and brother brought this song to my attention (you can find the lyrics to this masterpiece here). We had a good laugh over the question "Whatchu gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?" I see three options here: 1) nothing 2) shake it in some manner, and 3) liposuction. I don't see Fergie going with 1 or 3.

Anyway, I had no idea it was the Black-Eyed Peas until I drunkenly turned on VH1 this morning. Anyone who knows me can tell you that my moral standards are significantly lowered when I have been drinking; however, I was horrified. I mean, this song is basically about a woman who whores herself while referring to her body in the most disgusting ways imaginable -- "lovely lady lumps"?? "my humps"? If I ever refer to my body like this, it is time to take me out back and put me out of my misery.

I was vaguely hoping this song was some kind of attempt at satire. However satire would first of all imply that there are women out there more disgusting than Fergie (and Lil' Kim is about the only thing I can come up with there), and also it would mean the Black Eyed Peas are capable of such a thing. I think that they believe they have come up with something innovative here. Remember when Fergie was Stacy on Kids Incorporated? Oh god, Stacy! What would Renee say???

Friday, October 14, 2005

Clearly I think this is my daily log, which is to be kept up on an hourly basis. Well, the wife DOES need to know what I'm up to. Anyway, we're off drinking soon, and I have decided that the chances of me sleeping on the bathroom floor tonight are currently at 83%. Though they decrease in direct proportion to the amount of times I choose to throw a celebratory shot over my shoulder, rather than down my throat.

Also, the consensus in our office is that V shall henceforth be known as: Ass Pirate. So, that is his code name here from now on.

Alright, my compadre has already opened up the forum of this fair blog, but I feel it's my duty to add to it.

First of all, I would like to point out how my bro channeled my innebriated roomate last night. He is in a band, and somehow had the dumb luck to meet some girl who's mission is to get them signed within the year. Part of this girl's plan included having a limo full of beer pick up the band last night, take them to dinner, then get them into a club hosting a FORD MODEL AGENCY PARTY. What? He said it was VIP all the way, and he was downing Jager from the bottle. I guess you gotta act like a rock star to become a rock star. I wish that I was that ambitious! I thought my job buying spackle for the faces of aging daytime stars was kind of rock star, but perhaps I need to reexamine that.

So, as it turns out, my bro got himself good and plastered, got back to his practice studio and passed out on the floor, most likely w/ a drum stick in his mouth... He just called me @ 2:30pm to inform me he was taking part in the Pizza Hut 2nd pizza for a quarter special all by himself. WHAT A LIFE! Alright, I got a little plastered last night, but the only part of the evening I spent on the floor, was w/ an 18month old. Oh well, at least I was drunk when I was hanging w/ that kid.

In other news, our friend L had her baby on Tuesday, and that is one cute lil' chick! It's really surreal to have a friend w/ a baby, and we were all kind of blown away by it. Don't be surprised if Amanda is arrested for stealing babies, or more speficially buying this one from L, b/c apparently she really wants to. Alright fools, i suppose that concludes my intro to you.

I have been thinking of starting a blog for awhile now, and after my rockstar performance last night, I finally feel that I have the proper blog-starting story. A note: my roommate and I were planning to start this blog together, so you might see entries from her up here. Thus, I am signing this.

So I went to S’s weekly Thursday-night party, dubbed “the waves” (apartment is on Waverly st.). This party is fun because there is always a theme to dress to – last night: Varsity Sports – and also because her apartment is a 5th floor walk-up so you get to climb 4 flights of stairs, and enter all sweaty and out of breath, while being stared at due to the door’s location in the living/dining room.

The night started off innocently enough. I was chastised for my lack of varsity gear (too cold and rainy for the skirt I had planned on wearing), and I began drinking red wine. We decided to play poker, and I kept drinking. Switched to “milwaukee’s best,” a beer I am not familiar with despite having grown up an hour and a half away from that fine city. Perhaps the best was too good for my family. Anyway, about an hour into poker, it seems that everyone lost their mind. First an ex-mormon produced a giant bottle of jack daniels and suggested we take shots. Ok, fine – I mean what goes better with milwaukee’s best than a shot of whiskey (well, leaving out the fact that we had drunk an entire bottle of red wine ourselves)? But then, not more than 10 minutes later, someone who can only be described as a complete fucking moron, or perhaps the devil incarnate, or maybe my worst enemy is more apt here – regardless, he suddenly has a bottle of the most generic gin I have ever laid eyes upon. I believe the brand name was something like, “fuck yourself,” maybe. This bottle appeared magically in his hands, and before I knew it, I was taking a shot of gin. Who, you ask, takes shots of gin? Idiots. Total idiots.

Everything goes really foggy here. What I do know is, rather suddenly the 8-person game we had going was down to 3 people. Or, maybe I just passed out at the table for awhile. Then I was told that I had just bet, and lost, all my money (well, chips – no real money involved). This seemed like a lie to me – I mean I don’t remember saying I was all in – but then again, I can understand maybe wanting the drunkest girl you’ve ever seen to exit the game. Next thing I know, I awake on her bathroom floor at 7 am. I vaguely remember a gorgeous Jackson Pollack painting – or wait, was that red-wine vomit? Hmmm….

And now? after showing up to work at 10:30, I feel like absolute shit. Going out tonight for a friend’s birthday. Hey, that should be fun. Maybe we’ll do shots of gin!