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When People Go Too Far: 3 Ways to Draw the Lines

Your
relationship with your significant other, your finances, your personal
space—all of these are areas where people who are not welcomed may cross
over and offend you. Unfortunately, most people don't know they've
crossed the line until after they've done it. Few of us have the luxury
of laying out beforehand where the boundaries are, and it's not until
someone has breached that boundary that we have to say something.
Unfortunate still is that few of us will say anything because
we don't know how. It's an uncomfortable conversation to have. Even
though we're the ones that have been offended in the matter, we worry
about if we will offend the other person by telling them about it. We
ask ourselves: Am I being too sensitive? Am I making a big deal out of
nothing? Am I asking people to be too politically correct?

I acquiesce that some of us may be a bit too sensitive about certain
situations. We read far too much into the intentions behind the
actions. For example: A recent news story reported that a woman was
offended by gift wrap in a store because the design had swatikas in it.
She wanted it off the shelf. I have to admit, until I examined the
paper extra close, I saw no evidence of it. When I could finally make
it out, it did not strike me that there was some hidden message in the
design as an affront to Jews. (The woman was Jewish and was looking for
paper to wrap gifts during Hanukkah when she saw it.)

Nonetheless, when we feel someone has violated the boundaries we've set
for ourselves, we have to help them see where those boundaries are. If
I'm an extremely private person, and my friend decides to tell my
address to someone she knows but I perceive as a stranger, then I may
feel she's crossed a line. I have to let her know that I'd like to keep
where I live private. This may sound overly sensitive to the friend,
but it is my preference when it comes to what's personal to me. Others
need to respect that.

One of the most important areas where lines need to be defined is when
we communicate with each other. For some people, it's okay to have a
volley with another person using coarse language and crass jokes. But
for another, they may find the content and language offensive. They
have the right to let people know that that kind of conversation doesn't
work for them, especially in a work environment. If a manager gets
angry and pounds the table and yells at his team, some people may not
like it but think it's okay because they would do the same. Still,
there are others who may feel that as adults, they don't appreciate
being yelled at as if they are children. They expect the same respect
from their manager as they offer to him. The manager has crossed a
line. They may feel reluctant, however, to let him know because the
manager has created a culture of strained silence. Keeping quiet can
contribute to making their relationship insincere and shallow.

So how do we let people know when they've gone too far? Here are three ways to consider:

Call the person aside one-on-one and address the situation
immediately. Say: "I realize you may not know this about me, but I
take my religious beliefs very seriously. When you make jokes about my
faith, I find it offensive. I get it that you don't share the same
beliefs as I, but I would appreciate it if you considered that some
topics are too important to others to devalue. In the future, would you
refrain from joking about my religion in front of me?"

Acknowledge to them that you understand they meant no harm and may
not have been aware of your sensitivity to their action. Notice in the
prior example it states: "I realize you may not know this about me."
Everyone's intent is not malicious. They simply didn't know where the
line was.

Be direct and clear about what you expect from them when faced with
this situation in the future. In the above example you see: "In the
future, would you refrain from joking about my religion in front of me?"
Notice the speaker isn't saying the person can't joke about their
religion at all. The speaker isn't censoring the joker's freedom to
speak. The speaker is asking that the joker refrain from his or her
actions in the speaker's presence. It's a matter of respecting other
people's views in sensitive matters.

The tricky part of most of this is that there are numerous lines, and
different people draw them in different places. Sally may be a hugger,
but her coworker, Leesa, doesn't like people invading her personal space
which has a circumference of about a foot. Tiffany may not mind
sharing all of her marital business with the office, and Megan shares
hers in turn. But when Tiffany starts asking Jeremy questions about his
marriage, he may feel she's getting too personal. So how do you know
where all of the lines are?

The answer and others will be further discussed in a FREE 30-minute
webinar on February 10th at 10 a.m. EST. If you are interested in
participating, click here to register.
You will receive follow-up information on how to join the
conversation. Until then, give people permission to let you know where
their lines are. This will make communicating with them less stressful
because now you know where not to tread, and talking won't be like
walking through a minefield.

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About Me

Betty is an expert communicator with 25 years of speaking experience. She is a skilled trainer in leadership development. She has served her clients in a variety of ways--facilitator, trainer, coach, speaker, moderator, and panelist. She lends her talent and skills to corporations and individuals who desire to grow professionally and personally. See her in action at Sharper Development Solutions, Inc.