My Anchor… Please Keep Me Close

Have you ever had that moment where you feel hopeless, lost, worthless, and no desire to try anymore? Try.. it’s such a simple word with so much complexity to it. It’s always paired with something that is supposed to make the word sound so positive such as.. try harder, try your best, try to be this.. try to be that. But what people don’t realize is that trying could be the hardest thing for you to do in your life.

Trying requires effort and energy.. something we don’t have a lot of. I’m trying to tell the voices in my head to shut it.. or I’m trying my best to do all that I can.. I’m trying not to let things bother me… all that trying.. doesn’t it make things sound so much better? But when you’re in a dark place, trying is the last thing on your mind.

Sometimes, trying your best is not enough. You put everything on the line to accomplish what you need to accomplish: all your thoughts, your knowledge, your energy.. only to find out that your efforts are wasted. You get discouraged, you get upset, your ego is hurt. You may not be consciously aware that you’re hurt.. but later on when you get a firmer grasp on the situation, you are able to feel how disappointed you are with yourself. After that, your energy is expended, you don’t want to try anymore.

Why try when you know the outcome would be failure? Why be positive when you know the outcome won’t go as you planned? Why set yourself up for disappointment just to be hurt? What human being would want their ego and pride to be stomped on over and over again?

You find an anchor. Something that will help you pull through when things get rough. But during times where you are in your darkest place, you don’t think of that anchor… you’re so self-centered, self-absorbed, that you forget that the anchor even existed through these troubling times.

The anchor gets exhausted.. emotionally, physically, and mentally, as much as you. During those dark moments, you don’t see what your anchor is doing for you. I’ll call my anchor Ivan for now. I didn’t realize what Ivan was sacrificing for me.. to save what little soul I had left. He was there to hug me when I was hopeless, cradle me when I was panicking and stopping me from spiraling out of control.

When I was sucked deeply into my own despair, I would think the worst of everyone, that they had intentions to hurt me, even Ivan. No matter how mentally capable or healthy your anchor is.. they only can handle so much that you throw at them. I would pick fights with Ivan, I would plan things so that he would leave, so I could carry out my plan. When my darkness takes over, I become numb to feelings, pity, or empathy. I was falling apart and it hurt like hell. I was ruined, or at least it felt like it.

But somehow, I felt sorry for my anchor. Time after time I would see the toll that my mood swings, my yelling, screaming, my venom, my toxic energy, and the hatred of myself, had affected him. He never had ill intentions, whatsoever, but in that moment, I felt like he did. I used various methods to try to push him away, to try to make him miserable. Not only did it hurt Ivan, it cut me deeper than any wound could.

Ivan didn’t want to force me to come out of my darkness, he just wanted to hold my hand in the dark and sit beside me until I was ready to come out of the dark with him. He wanted to stand by my side so that we can try to walk out of the darkness together. I didn’t see that. I only saw my own misery. But at the same time, I was secretly calling for help. Is anyone out there? Can you lead me to the light? It hurts so much. It’s so hard for me to breathe. I have lost the will to fight. Can someone help me?

Little did I realize, that someone was Ivan, beside me all this time, but I failed to see that. I affected him in a way where he absorbed some of my toxic energy so that I could get better and in return, he began to fall into a pit of darkness of his own. I saw the hurt and sadness in his eyes. I felt his tears fall on my face at night while I was sleeping. He would whisper, “I love you. I will carry you out of the darkness and I will always protect you,”

He didn’t see what I was seeing. I was slowly pulling myself out of the darkness.. and I saw him falling further and further into the darkness. Not only am I in pain, but I inflicted pain on him, too. To me, that hurt more than life itself. I was clinging for my life. I did not have any hope, but because of my anchor, it pushed me to believe that I will get better. I will get through this. I will fix myself out of this helpless state.

Will he keep me close, would he love me most? At that time I didn’t feel it, but as I slowly walked towards the light, I could see it. Ivan showed me that there is hope. That he won’t hurt me like the others, he will protect me, he promised. Because I believed those words, I slowly took another step towards the light. I held his hand tight and took baby steps. Sometimes, there are setbacks, of course there was, that’s what we call life.

During the setbacks when I couldn’t walk, all I did was lay on the bathroom floor and cry. During those times, I was at my weakest, the darkest, at the edge of choosing to live or deciding to go, to end all this pain. Ivan would find me.. pick me up and carry me to bed. He would embrace me, stroke my hair, and cry with me. The more I saw how my pain affected him, the more guilty I felt.

I had to find a way to release my pain and all the anger for feeling the pain. I resorted to hurting myself. It was such a release for me, I started to feel better. It was so addicting. Every time I slashed my stomach, I would release all my emotions, the physical pain felt so much better than the pain within me. But it only masked it temporarily. I had to keep doing it over and over of else I would feel the pain again.

Ivan found out. Not only did he watch me like a hawk night and day, he lost sleep because he was afraid if he slipped into sleep, I would eventually kill myself. He hid all sharp objects, any medications that had the capability for me to overdose, he wouldn’t allow me to go anywhere alone, like if I had to use the bathroom, I had to keep the door open. Every day he would constantly remind me that I was not alone. Even though I felt like it, he promised that I wasn’t.

I felt like a bird without the wings to fly. I forgot what happiness meant. I forgot how to smile. I slipped back into the deep dark abyss, but this time, Ivan jumped in with me, and carried me out. He is my anchor. I accepted the fact that I will always be in the darkness, now, I am less afraid of going alone, because I know Ivan will carry me out if need be. I hope that one day I don’t have to have Ivan to pull myself out of the abyss slowly.

I know in life, we all need someone to hold, to be there for us, fighting with us, to remind us that it’s going to be us against the world. We all need that someone to stay. To love us, to be there for us through thick and thin. To not abandon us. We all need an anchor. It so happened that I stumbled upon mine. Once you have found your anchor, make sure you love them with everything you have, even if you only have a little to give. Your anchor would understand that what little you do have to give, is enough for them. That is an anchor. My anchor. Your anchor. Our anchor. Find your anchor…