Returning Old Symptoms : bouncing, playing with saliva from her mouth, some noise sensitivity

Significant Positive Behaviors: speech clarity, reading more on her own, singing with clarity on her own, expressing her true self, performing daily tasks on her own, coloring and drawing with concentration for longer periods of time

Lizzy has been doing well and she is showing more of her true self. She and her little sister Katie have had two mini fights today and Lizzy held her own. This is great news because Katie is a little woman who stands her ground. For instance, Lizzy was playing with some plastic jack o lanterns and Katie helped herself to them. Lizzy bounced around Katie in protest. I reminded Katie that Lizzy had them first. Katie gave Lizzy a dirty look and said, “Here, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.” Lizzy then proceeded to get a Halloween coloring book and said ” Look at this book” and handed it to Katie. Katie was not interested in the book but the situation was rectified. Good work Lizzy! Our baby girl is coming into focus. I look forward to the day when I can swap the current picture on her blog to one of more clarity. All in God’s time.

Lizzy 10 5 2011

We will be waiting until the end of the month until we give Lizzy a remedy or begin another CEASE clearing. As stated before we want this clearing to do as much work as possible. It has done some great stuff so far and it shows me with more certainty that the vaccines are a huge part of the equation. No matter what others might be saying, I am seeing the difference.

Now that we have a clear picture of what we are doing for Lizzy I have been trying to heal myself more. As stated in my last entry it is time to get rid of all the emotional junk that has built up. The grief, anger and sorrow I have been experiencing is with definite purpose. It is time to shed all of this stuff. My husband Todd aka “Toddo” has been wonderful about helping me through these hard times. His insistence has encouraged me to blog about this process in-depth. Todd told me “Buzz (my nickname) you must share what you are feeling. So many moms feel like you. It is crucial to the autism healing process. You have to do this! Not only for you but for them.” So here I go.

Todd on our wedding day

One night I was feeling very depressed. I asked Todd if he could hold down the fort while I took a bath. He agreed. Todd told all 9 of the kids to leave me alone and that all questions should be directed to him. Man, I love this guy! After starting the bath water, I added some lavender oil and Queen Anne’s Lace Oil I made and began to relax. A sudden knock on the door interrupted my thoughts and I said “Yes”. “It’s me Buzz. I brought you some candles and a glass of wine to help you relax.” I told Todd to come in and he asked if I wanted some company. I agreed.

He proceeded to inquire as to what was wrong. Not being sure, I just started to cry. As I sat and sobbed I shared with Todd what I was truly feeling. “I am the one that signed the authorization form for the shots, I am the one that held Lizzy as they gave her those shots. I am the one who told her, it’s okay these are going to help you.” Upon sharing my thoughts I sobbed even harder. Todd replies, “Buzz you were helping her but not in the way that you thought. Lizzy has been to a place that you and I will never fully understand. Her experience through all of this will help her. It is just not in the way that you thought. Lizzy is going to do wonderful things in her life because of her autism, and she will be able to help others because of it.”

After finishing his wise statement, I swung my head around and looked at him as if to say “What?! I sat and thought about his words. My emotions governed me instead of my logic. I was temporarily speechless. My internal rage swelled and I told Toddo. “You know what Todd I am not there right now. Do you remember the movie Aliens? I feel like the character Ripley when she finally met with the alien queen for the final showdown. She was protecting a little girl from this parasite and with the protection of a loader she tells the alien queen “Get away from her you @#$%&!! I want to tell autism, vaccines, inept doctors, lazy therapists, corporate greed and the whole smelly mess to get away from my precious baby. She is mine! You can not have her! Stay away from her!! As the last word rolled off my tongue I dropped my head into my hands.

Ripley from Aliens

After I hurled my feelings at Todd I proceeded to sob even harder. Todd nodded with understanding. Through my tears, I apologized for not being accepting right now. Todd reassured me by saying that I must get these feelings out. It is important and crucial for true healing and forgiveness to take place. After 30 minutes of catharsis I felt better.

Through the grace of God, I was able to eventually wrap my heart around Todd’s insightful words regarding Lizzy. He is absolutely right! Lizzy will do wondrous things because of her experience! I just needed to vent my feelings and finally speak the words that were hidden behind my focus of helping Lizzy heal. Welcome to real grief Amy.

Mom and some of the gang 2005

It is during the quiet times that grief is the most painful. Now that Lizzy has leveled off some, and her symptoms are less extreme I have more time to think. And think I have. I felt just as anxious as I did when we found out about Lizzy’s autism. (The causticum remedy brought it to the surface again.) The night progressed and I was on my way to true healing.

I called my mom the next day and shared my feelings of grief with her. She suggested that I try not to think about it too much. I shared the fact that I must get these feelings out in order to heal. As the conversation progressed, she shared with me how much she admires what we have done for Lizzy. “You do not give yourself nearly enough credit, Honey. Some people would not even care, and just leave it and accept it. You haven’t. You and your family have done everything you can for her. You need to remember that when you feel down.” I thanked mom for helping me feel better. Mom continued, “Now you remember what I said. Are you okay now?” I said that I felt better and ended the call. God blessed me with Mom’s words of comfort that day and it was just what I needed to keep the healing going. If not for Lizzy’s autism my mom and I would not be sharing our feelings to each other on this deep level. God will always give you what you need. That never stops amazing me! Thank you Lord!!

Stages of Grief

Grief is a process. It takes time. Various symptoms come in a variety of orders and one must let the process take place. It is very difficult, but all families dealing with autism must try to help themselves get through this. Let yourself grieve. Grief is a part of autism. Once you allow yourself the chance to go through the process the hold it has on you will be less powerful. The pain lessens more and more. In time it will get easier and through the grace of God we will all overcome.

Autism is a family affair. It effects everyone involved. I know with more certainty that God is turning this tragedy into His glory. One day I hope to see His full plan for Lizzy and the rest of our family. He has blessed me with a wonderful family and an outstanding husband. These are the things that I try to focus on lately. Though my pain has not disappeared I know what I am dealing with now. This always helps me. The unknown is so frightening. I am thankful to God for allowing this healing to take place. It is just a matter of time, till it is complete.

A Break in the Storm

At night I pray that God will guide me to do what He wants me to do tomorrow. I pray that He guides me to do His work and continue to heal my family and every family dealing with autism. These families are in my thoughts and prayers every day. Remember you are not alone in this battle. He is there to help us and open the hearts and mouths of others who will guide us. One day at a time we will see the true purpose of autism. It is just a matter of time. We just have to wait, wait, wait.

Lizzy continues to do well and we are still milking this MMR clearing as long as we can. We have not given her the Carcinocin yet and I am in no hurry. Staying up later is fine at this point. She is very content, just awake. The blowing of saliva bubbles is not a favorite of mine but I can tolerate that too if it means we can get a clearer indication of what direction we need to go next.

I on the other hand, have been feeling very down and depressed off and on. I took my causticum 200c on the 25th of September and it has helped some. Grief has been the most significant emotion at this point. I have been grieving Lizzy’s autism and the anger that goes with it. Examination of my current status leads me to believe that this will take quite some time to heal. I know that getting these emotions out is healthy, but honestly, it sucks. What difficult tasks don’t?

Gabriel and His Enzyme Cleaner

The kids and I have been “gutting” our basements and getting rid of old, useless junk. Living in the north-east means having to deal with mold, snow, moisture, etc. As we went through the numerous boxes of toys we have, some of the action figures were growing a sweater. Mold! Yuck!!! I could soak them in a bleach/water solution, but the odor is strong and I do not like to use bleach unless it is necessary. With all of the “Littles” picking up stuff and possibly placing them in their mouths I opted to use the lemon enzyme cleaner Gabriel and I made 3 months ago. ( check July 25th entry) This stuff is wonderful! The lemons, water and sugar cleaner fermented over the last 90 days and yielded a great product. Success!! We soaked the toys in the diluted solution and it took the mold and odor right out. I love this stuff! Like treats like. It takes a mold to kill another mold.

Basement 2011

We proceeded to downsize, organize and make the basement more lively and cheery. People who know me, see how organized I can be and what a “Geek” I am about labeling, sorting and classifying things. This is exactly what I am trying to do with my emotions. All of the old crap I have accumulated over the last 44 years is being looked at, removed or put into a different place. (perspective) It has helped, but it is not easy.

Hard work is usually not something I shy away from, but Lizzy’s autism is painful. The anger, despair, regret and sadness can not be removed as easily as the mold from the toys. It is going to take a long time and commitment to complete this emotional house cleaning. Autism has beat me down to my knees more times than I can remember. With God’s help, I keep getting back up. I must continue to heal myself and become the best I can for all of those that I love, including myself. Through the grace of God it will happen when the time is right. Without Him I would fall apart more often than I do.

Willy and Lizzy

Willy and Amelia are also grieving Lizzy’s autism at this time. Willy tearfully told me that he wants to help Lizzy and he does not know what to do for her. I shared with him how I feel the same way and we are doing everything we can for her. After talking, he felt better and asked for a hug. He is such a feeler this guy. Seeing an injured animal can bother him for months. He surly lives up to his name William. It means great protector, and that is our Willy. Lizzy is very blessed to have a bro like him and I am so blessed to have him as my son. You rock Willy!

I am truly thankful for the wonderful family that we have and how caring they are. Autism has provided so many beautiful chances for us to heal and help. I have not fallen in love with autism yet. I do not know if I ever could. Time will tell, and God will show me how. The day that we completely embrace autism will probably be the time of healing for all 11 of us.