Your Blogging Staff

Contributing to this blog:
- "Dave" is Dave Barry, who is a humor columnist and presidential contender.
- "judi" is Judi Smith, who is Dave's Research Department, as well as being interested in men.
- "Walter" is Walter, a bone from the penis of a walrus.

NO ONE EXPECTS CRIMINALS TO BE SMART

Key quote:"What was unsettling was that the fluid just kept coming," Stuart Claxton of the Guinness Book of World Records told the Daily News. "It was quite a lot of fluid. On a hot day like this, you have to move fast."

June 21, 2005

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

I'm going to be spending the next few days in a secret undisclosed location that rhymes with Palt Pisney Porld, where I will experience the magic and wonder of standing for hours with a 5-year-old in lines the length of the Canadian border. So I'm thinking that if you're bored – and let's be honest: if you're reading this blog, you're bored -- you might want to participate in our annual Poetry Project.

For some background on this concept, you can go here and read about the first Poetry Project, which we modestly believe produced some of the most memorable poems ever written in the English language containing the phrase "the dog ate mother's toes."

This year we will once again be submitting our poems to the fun-loving guys and gals at poetry.com, who, we are sure, truly enjoy being a part of this effort. Just click on "ENTER CONTEST" and write your poem. To identify yourself as a participant in the Poetry Project, you should enter a "nomme de plume" (literally, "hors d'oeuvre") that includes the name "Habte," followed by a hyphen. The only restriction concerning the content of your poem is that it should include some reference to a mullet hairstyle. For example:

THE PAIN OF LOVE

By Dave Habte-Barry

I love you, dear, with all my heart
And infinite desire
And so I cry each time you set
My mullet hair on fire

I'm sure you folks can do much better.

Update: I've been reading your poems, and I just want to say that I am very proud of all of you. I'm also hoping that none of you are operating heavy machinery.

ATTENTION, PARENTS

If you think your child's yearbook photo is unflattering, a really brilliant way to handle it is to make a big stink, so that instead of just appearing in a yearbook, the photo will appear on the Internet, where millions of people will see it.

HEY, DADS

June 18, 2005

ACTUAL VOICEMAIL RECEIVED TODAY BY THIS BLOG FROM LOS ANGELES

Hey Dave? My name's Craig. Craig Kilborn. And I'm being accosted here by Ted in the Farmet's Market, and he's a big fan. But anyway, he wants to know if he has a mullet or not, and it's a really tough call -- I've been staring at him for quite a while from the profile. And I'm going to go no mullet, because he has kinda curly hair, and you know, cool guys -- you don't remember Guillermo Vilas, the tennis player from Argentina -- but, similar hair. So I'm going say no mullet. And now I'm going to go back and take a nap. Thanks.

WHEN THEY RELEASE IT FROM CUSTODY, HE CAN HAVE IT FOR DINNER

AND THE WINNER IS...

We can no longer stand the sight of Ted's face. Our only comfort is in knowing that Ted will never again be able to get a job. Or a date, with or without a barf bag.

Someone did, of course, send in an unforgettable likeness of Ted as a barf bag. Also burned into our brains are images of Ted as Betty Grable, Peter Pan, Atticus Finch, a fetus, a mermaid, Phil Spector and Jesus. Is there enough beer in the world to make us forget tedchimp, outhouseted, and barrymanilowted? And we don't even want to think about the one of Dave with Ted's hair.

But choosing a winner was tough. There were too many wonderful, awful entries from all of you talented, completely unbalanced people, many of whom got away with creating these masterpieces at work. We congratulate you, and thank everyone for participating.

First runner up: Marvin the Paranoid Android's photo illustration of Ted ready for church

and the

Champion Mullet Manipulator: Atticus, creator of Tedbert

Congratulations! Please send in your snailmail addresses so we can mail you your valuable prizes: ShowerShock Soap and Octodog Frankfurter Converter for Atticus, and some other crap coveted gift guide items for Marvin.

AN OUTRAGE

This is ridiculous. Miami is number four? NUMBER FOUR?? Yes, Phoenix, Las Vegas and Tucson are hot. But -- as the residents of these cities are always pointing out -- it's a dry heat. Whereas Miami is a WET heat, which makes it a much sweatier city.