Fitz

Today’s Crown of Clowns goes to…well…a clown. Seriously, a clown was recently sighted in a Chicago cemetery late at night. The clown apparently stood in front of the cemetery waiting to be illuminated by the headlights of a passing car. Once he was seen, the clown paused, waved slowly for maximum creepy effect — then scaled the 7-foot-tall gate and ran away. Officials investigated and found no vandalism in the cemetery!

My Points:

Well…this is kind of tougher than I thought it would be…Clown you are a clown, because…dang…because you are a clown. A really really creepy clown.

Mr. Cemetery Clown, you can scale a SEVEN FOOT TALL FENCE. How is it you are running around dressed as a clown at night and not…not in the circus or playing in the NBA?

In seriousness, If you show up when I’m going to visit my sweet Aunt Winnie or Momma Mae or Daddy Bob…I will knock your ass out.

Octavio got pulled over by coppers for a couple of reasons. One he darted cross three lanes and traffic and two…in the process he literally ran an officer off the road! Now with all that being said let’s forget he is also a convicted felon…and let’s forget about the fact that he had a gun in his car, because that isn’t even the stupidest part!

Because when the cop walked up to his car, they also noticed that Octavio's hands were shaking . . . and his nose and mouth were covered in COCAINE. But when he asked him about it, Octavio claimed it wasn't drugs . . . it was because he'd just eaten a powdered DONUT. Not surprisingly, the cop didn't buy it!

Officers pulled over Ray Woods over the weekend and noticed that he had quite the bulge in his pants. So they asked him to step out of the car to see if he was packing heat. Ray Woods was not packing heat…..but he was blessed. Blessed with a massive amount of heroin and cocaine.

Get this, he had 26 bags of heroin and 41 bags of cocaine in his crotch. Actually…it wasn’t just in his crotch he had the bags tied around his...well…testees. There you go, all in all…he had almost 70 bags of drugs…just in his pants.

My Points:

Ray --- A guy with the last name Wood…getting caught because he has a bulge in his pants is just precious. So Mr. Wood thank you for making this easy.

Ray --- Have you heard of something called a backpack, or maybe the old school brief case? Tying off 70 bags of the hooch to your pooch was not needed. Speaking of which…

Ray --- Most people are concerned about your obvious drug problem…me…I’m worried that you can tie at least 41 bags around…around your twig and berries. So first see a lawyer and THEN rush to a doctor!

Today’s Crown of Clowns goes to a South Carolina woman by the name of Helen Williams. Helen was arrested forstabbing her husband. She stabbed him not with a knife, but…ready for it…Helen stabbed him with a squirrel.Oh sure, it was a ceramic squirrel, but it was still a squirrel. Seriously, Helen hit him over the head with the squirrel, it broke, and then she stabbed him in the shoulder and chest. He is doing okay, but the reason she stabbed him with the squirrel is because he went to the store and returned without…without her Natural Light! My Points:

Helen, I get it, when you have a craving for the always refreshing Natty Light…nothing else will do, but is it worth going to jail for?

Helen, you do get creative points…I’ve heard of stabbing with a knife and even a samurai sword? You are truly nuttier than squirrel poop!

Lastly, I would like to recommend Coors Light…now being served in cans, glass bottles, and the all new aluminum bottles, and for a limited time you can get an 18 pack for only $15! Did I mention they’re a sponsor of the show?

We don’t have a name so let’s call him…Smokey. And Smokey is our crown of clown today…and here is why:
Smokey was riding his mountain bike in the Boise foothills and nature called…he had to go to the bathroom, but of course there were no toilets. So he stopped his bicycle and dropped his pants, dropped a deuce, and then…then he wanted to be environmentally sensitive so he lit the toilet paper on fire and…well…he also lit up 73 acres! Yes, he burned down 73 acres. Smokey turned himself in and told authorities that he accidently caught the forest on fire while lighting the toilet paper.

My Points:

Smokey, I honestly feel sorry for you, because…well..your heart was in the right place, but your ass was not. It’s happened to the best of us, but we didn’t burn down half the state of Idaho.

Smokey, honesty is always…always…the best policy, UNLESS you just committed a major crime. At that point you need to listen to the words of my father Green Beret Bob who says, “Deny-Deny-Deny.”

Lastly, Listen to my words, because I’ve always said…Dance like no one is watching, and poop like no one is in the stall next to you. So God bless you.

Today’s Crown of Clowns goes to Todd Fassler of San Diego. Todd was walking on a trail when he looked down and saw a rattlesnake. So believe it or not, he picked it up to get a selfie for Facebook! And I know this is shocking, but that was not…not a good idea. The rattlesnake bit him, and the injuries to his arm were severe. So severe that he was quickly on death’s door. He is alive thanks to several anti-venom shots. In the end…his medical costs were $153,000!

My Points:

Todd, note to self, when a snake has A RATTLE…IT’S A RATTLE-SNAKE!!!

Toddie, read the Bible, who always played the snake? Could IT BE SAAAATAN?

Speaking of the good book, if you had gone to Bowie Baptist with me as a kid…you would have learned how to handle snakes. As Rev. Oddie always said, LET THE GOOD LORD LEAD…OR YOU WILL BLEED!

Today’s Crown of Clowns may be offensive to some of you listening…in fact…some of you may be getting the crown of clowns today. I’m talking to anyone…anyone who puts ICE CUBES in their cereal!!!!

There is a new food trend…people are putting ICE CUBES in cereal. And like all terrible trends these days, it's spreading by all you crazy kids snapping pics and putting them on Instagram! But again, there is a group of people out there, and you know who you are…that are putting ice cubes in…in the cereal.

My Points:

1-Listen you ice dropping cereal clowns… The thought of an ice cube next to one of my cute little marshmallows almost makes me cry! Seriously, unless you are Dairy Queen …keep anything frozen away from my Captain Crunch!

2-OH…OH I have an idea…I will accept you making ice cubes with THE milk OR…OR how about this…use ice cream. THEN LET IT melt into the bowl and around the little fiber-sugar filled chunks of love. But again…some things you just shouldn’t mess with!

Let’s call this gentle Jimmy…Jimmy is a guy who was hiking a mountain in Wales last weekend when a thunderstorm suddenly hit. And apparently he took out his selfie stick to get a sweet picture of himself in the storm. Because let's face it . . . that's just what you do in 2015 when you're hiking during a thunderstorm.

But his selfie stick had some metal in it . . . so it was basically like he was holding up a lightning rod. And right on cue, a bolt of lightning hit the selfie stick . . . traveled through his body . . . and ... well…hello Jesus!

And there you have it . . . the world's first "death by selfie stick."

Points:

1-If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it 100 times…selfies kill! When are you people going to start listening. God hates selfies!

2-Speaking of which, I have to say…your chances of getting hit by lightning are like 1 in 7 ZILLION…so Jimmy, love ya but it was your time. Hell, more people die by having a vending machine fall on them. GOD WANTED YOU…IT WAS YOUR DAY!

3-Lastly, if using selfie stick can kill you……ELLEN…..we will miss you.

Gale Higley got into an argument with her son a few weeks ago…and it got ugly. How ugly you ask? Well it got physical…and the 65 year-old momma has a much different story than her son.

She says he argued with her over how to bake lasagna . . . he wanted her to make it in the oven, she wanted to use the microwave. Things escalated and she SLAPPED him.

He says…oh no…their argument was actually over how much money she'd just spent at Walmart . . . and she was so mad she STABBED him. She stabbed him right in the nipple! And then she slapped him…yes it was the dreaded nipple stab followed by a slap to the face. Either way, they both told the cops she attacked him, so she was arrested for battery.