In the paraphrased words of Sisqo, “All the scandalous babies in the house show your thong th thong thong thong.” What possible justification is there for a thong diaper? Does less plastic mean they are environmentally friendly? Are they to help adults who can’t control their bowels feel sexy? Unfortunately for us, in a design patent no explanation is needed.

patent #: D539422

class: 0

subclass: 0

patent issued on: 2007-03-27

There are many ways to obtain a slimmer figure: exercise, dieting, amphetamines. But sometimes, even popping pills is just too much work. Sometimes a lady just wants to create a “false or deceptive visual impression,” without the hassle. There’s nothing wrong with manipulating someone’s cognitive processes, is there? It’s the oldest trick in the book! Think of it as beer goggles without the drinking.

patent #: 7107621

class: 2

subclass: 69

patent issued on: 2006-09-19

You might not have known such standards existed, but this somewhat awkwardly titled patent sets “a new standard for internal personal prevention worn in the female vagina.” It is an anti-rape device, quite admirable in its thoroughness:

This invention is inserted into the vagina of afemale wearing it in the same way as a tampon length wise and pushing it into the vaginal cavity. Upon placement in the vagina, the invention blocks the entrance to the vagina, and exposes a resilient hollow receptacle tip covering a sharp circular projectile disk with adimensional center hole covering the specimen cavity. The sharp projectiles will inflict a sharp non-lethal pain to head of the penis attempting to penetrate the vagina, and the dimensional center hole is designed to collect specimens when the head of the penis makes contact with the sharp circular projectile disk.

It slices! It dices! And it takes evidence!

Rape? Sharp projectiles piercing penises? How is this a Patently Silly invention? Because, as the inventor acknowledges:

Men considering rape, after this invention becomes known, will hopefully not attempt it, with the dread that any women [sic] could be wearing this.

Just the idea of it is enough—it doesn’t even need to become a product to be effective. So help me spread the word!

patent #: 7131444

class:

subclass:

patent issued on: 2006-11-07

I can’t decide which is odder, doing hip hop aerobics with a robotic doll or incorporating VHS tapes into a 21st century technology.

As the video plays this doll gets jiggy to the soundtrack. Overweight American children will presumably be inspired to shake their bloated, candy-fed behinds along with this Caucasian-looking, hip hop-dancing automaton. According to the inventor, this groovy golem “will promote better health in the youth,” “significantly reduce medical costs associated with overweight people,” and, thankfully, “be made available with designer clothing.”

patent #: 7128691

class:

subclass:

patent issued on: 2006-10-31

While doing the Cat’s Cradle has proved to be a bonding experience for young girls across generations, let’s face it… some girls just don’t have friends. Be they gossips, backstabbers, sluts, or just plain new in town, someday you may find yourself a girl down on your luck with no one willing to convey taut pieces of string from their hands to yours and vice versa.

Or, maybe you do have friends, but they lack the dexterity to accomplish complicated twine transferals, or maybe they simply don’t have fingers.

And sometimes isn’t it just more rewarding to transpose loops of cord into the rubbery digits of an animatronic companion? There’s something reassuring about little girls and robots cooperating in the intimate task of strategically transmitting yarn designs, isn’t there?

patent #: 7104865

class: 446

subclass: 331

patent issued on: 2006-09-12

Patents have so much to teach us… like a new word for butt crack!–“gluteal cleft”

Doesn’t that have a nice ring to it? “Excuse me, sir, but your cloven gluteas is scaring the children.”

Yes, this crotch drier blows hot air right in the spot where it usually makes an exit.

Reading through the patent, I couldn’t help wondering if this line was intentional. The bottom is designed “to distribute weight forces and minimize the development of small cracks in the base.” But hey if they develop, we’ll dry ‘em!

patent #: 7117611

class: 34

subclass: 90

patent issued on: 2006-10-10

It is said that Thomas Edison’s laboratory went through over a hundred thousand failed prototypes for each successful invention. One can only hope that in the quest for his perfect liner, Wesley K. Johnson went through that many lap dances.

I don’t think this invention needs much explanation, but one sentence in this patent surprised me. The inventor points out that the pouch “captures fluids released prior to, and during the lap dance act.” Prior to? Now that’s excitable!

The segment was based on commentary I wrote on the Jumpsuit for a Woman and Method of Use. I refer to the woman in the patent illustration as a “butch” lesbian. This is not a derogatory term, nor an offensive sexual stereotype. In fact, this is the term that many lesbians in the United States use to self-identify. I don’t know why Graham changed “butch” to “strange”. Perhaps the word “butch” doesn’t have the same connotations in the UK. As Bruce Willis in Pulp Fiction put it, Butch is an American name and “American names don’t mean s#*t.”

And a big part of being butch is how you look! Ask any lesbian what a “butch” looks like and I’m sure they will mention short hair. For goodness sake, it’s step #5 in this article on How to Be a Butch Lesbian.

And check out her confident stare as she squats half-naked before the patent examiner. Excellent form! Take that bureaucrat!

The producers of The Graham Norton Show found a good segueway into Patently Silly when Oscar-nominated actor Greg Kinnear came on to promote his movie Flash of Genius (about the inventor of the intermittent windshield wiper). Hilarity ensued.