Since many white people either live in, plan to move to, or closely identify with San Francisco it is imperative that you know how best to deal with them.

The City of San Francisco has a very multicultural population that ranges from white to gay to Asian. Within white culture this known as “ideal diversity” for its provision of exotic restaurants while simultaneously preserving property values. The presence of gays and Asians is imperative as it two provides two of the key resources most necessary for white success and happiness.

However, it is important to be aware of the fact that regions outside of San Francisco feature many people who are not white, gay or Asian. They are greatly appreciated during the census, but white people are generally very happy that they stay in places like Oakland and Richmond. This enables white people to feel good about living near people of diverse backgrounds without having to directly deal with troublesome issues like income gaps or schooling.

Still, the presence of other minorities are welcomed by white people for so many more reasons than just statistics! Much in the way that white people in Brooklyn feel a strong and unfounded connection with The Notorious BIG, white people in San Francisco feel the need to identify with rappers from the East Bay. Interestingly enough, the further they venture from San Francisco, the stronger their need to represent their region.

“Oh man, I went to the Too Short show last night. So hyphy man, so hyphy. You should come by some time and we’ll ghost ride the Prius.”

When you are presented with statements like this, the best response is to say “Berkeley is close to Oakland,” and the white person will likely nod and throw up some sort of west side hand sign.

Though it is exceptionally easy to put someone from San Francisco in a good mood, there are some caveats. When talking to a white person who lives in San Francisco, it is best not to bring up New York City. Though they live in a world class city, San Franciscans have a crippling inferiority complex about New York and even hinting at that will make them very sad or very defensive.

Fortunately, there is a fool-proof method for quickly returning the conversation to a positive, trust-building tone. No matter how much you have offended someone from San Francisco, you can always make them feel better by asking them how they feel about Southern California. They will instantly talk of how it is filled with crime, pollution, hegemonic culture, and the wrong kind of white people: “I swear California is like two separate countries, and I am so thankful that I live in the cultural center of the West Coast.” This will allow them to reassert their superiority and leave the conversation with a positive feeling about themselves and about you.

Castro Photo by bkusler who has done an excellent photo essay on Stuff White People Like. Dancing Photo by amynugget.

In addition to accumulating sexual partners, binge drinking, drug use and learning, white people consider studying abroad to be one of the most important parts of a well rounded college education.

Study Abroad allows people to leave their current educational institution and spend a semester or a year in Europe or Australia. Though study abroad are offered to other places, these two are the overwhelming favorites.

By attending school in another country, white people are technically living in another country. This is important as it gives them the opportunity to insert that fact into any sentence they please. “When I used to live in [insert country], I would always ride the train to school. The people I’d see were inspiring.”

If you need to make up your own study abroad experience, they all pretty much work the same way. You arrived in Australia not knowing anybody, you went out to the bar the first night and made a lot of friends, you had a short relationship with someone from a foreign country, you didn’t learn anything, and you acquired a taste for something (local food, beer, fruit). This latter point is important because you will need to be able to tell everyone how it is unavailable in your current country.

It is also important that you understand the study abroad ranking system. Europe/Australia form the base level, then Asia, then South America, and finally the trump card of studying abroad in Tibet. Then there is the conversation killer of studying abroad in Africa. If you studied in Africa, it is usually a good idea to keep it quiet, it will remind white people that they were too scared to go and they will feel bad. Use this only in emergencies.

Though there is full white consensus on a number of white things, there is perhaps nothing that draws more universal white acclaim than the island nation of Japan. It should be noted, that some white people harbor SOME ill will toward Japan because of whaling, killing dolphins or Nanking. But those are generally considered isolated incidents that do not indict the entire nation.

White people love Japan for a number of reasons. Sushi is pretty much the biggest one, since white people have spent so much time Sushi restaurants, enjoying the food, learning about how to eat it, and how to be snobby about it. This natural curiousity fills them with a need to pay a visit to Tsukiji and taste the freshest Sushi possible.

But it goes beyond just food, all white people either have/will/or wished they had taught English in Japan. It is a dream for them to go over seas and actually live in Japan. This helps them not only because it fills their need to travel, it will enable them to gain important leverage over other white people at Sushi restaurants where they can say “this place is pretty good, but living in Japan really spoiled me. I’ve had such a hard time finding a really authentic place.”

White people also love Japan because of it’s tradition, futuristic cities, films, kawaii stuff, music, and writers. Many white nerds are into anime, so being too into this can be seen as a negative by white people. It’s best to have a passing familiarity for things like Hayao Miyazaki who is universally accepted by white people, or if they don’t know who is he, they will look him up and they won’t find weird violent or sexual cartoons.

If you find yourself in an awkward silence with white people, just mention how you want to go to Japan. They will immediately begin talking about how their trip to Japan, or their favorite stuff from Japan, but it will be entirely about them. This is useful as you no longer have to talk, and they will like you for letting them talk about themselves.

But like with anime, you have to be careful about how much you like Japan. If you know how to speak Japanese, you kind of ruin it for everyone else.

It is hardly a secret that all white people love being near water. And why wouldn’t they? It has so many of the activities that they love to do: swimming, kayaking, canoeing, sailing, and it’s a perfect place to read next to.

But before we move on, let’s not gloss over that last point. White people love to be near a body of water so they can read a book, while sitting nearby. The process of reading is somehow heightened through the process of doing it near some water. Extreme reading!

But when you think long term, it’s important to realize that all white people either own/wish to own/plan to own/will own some sort of property near a body of water. Rather than say all white people want to live on the ocean, it’s important to break it up and apply it across the regions.

On the west coast, all white people want to live as close to the beach as possible. One look at the demographics for Manhattan Beach, Santa Monica, Hermosa Beach, Newport Beach, and Laguna Beach will reveal this fact through tangible numbers.

On the East Coast, many white people dream of owning ocean front property in New England, where they can make their lives as close as possible to a J. Crew catalog.

And in the landlocked states, the dream of lakefront property is alive and well.

It is also worth noting that often times, white people will purchase second homes near water if they cannot accommodate the dream in their own city. Often times they want to buy within driving distance, but the need for life near water is so great that they will even consider buying in other countries.

To a white person, a view of water from your house is the greatest achievement in life. And you should remember this when discussing your hopes and dreams with white people. It is also important that you choose a water sport (swimming, fishing, kayaking, etc) that you pretend to like. That way, you can talk about how when you move to your waterfront property you can just wake up in the morning and [insert outdoor activity], right from your front door.

Mountain views are also acceptable, but generally seen as a poor substitute.

One of the best things someone can do to gain the respect and trust of a white person, is to attend a baseball game with them at Wrigley Field, the home of the Chicago Cubs. When most people think of the Chicago Cubs they think of tradition, ivy covered walls, Fergie Jenkins & Harry Caray. A more accurate representation would be khaki shorts, frat boys & rich white business men on their iphones. The 1980s television show Perfect Strangers best illustrates this point. In the opening credits, foreigner Balky Bartokomous is taken to Wrigley Field. This was more or less symbolic of what Balky had to do, to understand white America.

Ethnic person (third from left) gaining the trust of white people

Reasons why white people like Wrigley Field
1. Experiencing tradition at a high cost
2. Located on the North Side
3. Its Trendy
4. Comfortable Surroundings

1. Experiencing tradition at a high cost

The main reason why people flock to Wrigley Field each year is the fact that it is one of the few ballparks that is trapped in time. People come to experience baseball tradition (although the definition of tradition when it comes to baseball is sketchy, remember the sport did not integrate until 1947). However this tradition comes at a high cost, which white people don’t mind. On prime dates a ticket in the bleachers costs $45. But this does not deter rich white people from enjoying the “simpler things” in life. Wrigley is an old stadium where people still pee in troths, but white people love paying top dollar to do this. They also like being around “real baseball fans”, even though most of the people in the bleachers are drunk rich frat kids that aren’t from Chicago and have no idea who Ernie Banks is. Compare that to the left field pavilion in Dodger Stadium , where tickets are $11 and the people are much more fun and less irritating However the left field pavilion is generally the hispanic section which makes it less of a tourist attraction than the Wrigley bleachers (Unlike having black friends see post #14, it is not yet cool to have Hispanic friends)

2. Located on the North Side

Wrigley Field is located on the North Side of Chicago. The North side is basically the gentrified, trendy part of Chicago. Also many white people listen to Jim Croce (whom most think is black) and the perception of most non-Chicago people (the majority of Cubs fans) of the Windy city is through the song “Bad. bad, Leroy Brown”

Well the south side of chicago
Is the baddest part of town
And if you go down there
You better just beware
Of a man named leroy brown

This is one of the main reasons why people do not venture to watch the Chicago White Sox. They are located on the South Side which is viewed as the “baddest part of town” where of course black people named “Leroy” live.

3. Its Trendy

Liking the Cubs right now is trendy. They haven’t won a World Series since 1908, they are located on the North Side and celebrities like them. Bill Murray, John Cusak, and Hillary Clinton (although she flip flops between them and the Yankees) are all Cubs fans. One should keep up to date on things that are trendy in order to befriend more white people. ie) eating expensive Indian food, shopping Organic, or going on a wild rose detox. So for the upcoming season, try to know at least one player on the Chicago Cubs and defend Mark Prior at all costs

4. Comfortable Surroundings

Wrigley Field is known as the Friendly Confines and white people feel comfortable there because other than Ronnie Woo Woo, most Cubs fans are white (and we are not talking about the white people that go to White Sox games). Next to a Dave Matthews Band reunion concert, one can not find a bigger collection of khaki shorts and golf shirts than the Wrigley Bleachers. Also once a friend of mine was sitting in the bleachers next to a pretty girl with an LSU sweater. She was talking about Baton Rouge and said “I love it but I can’t stand all the n%#%%ers” TRUE STORY. What is most disturbing is the fact that she said this in such a nonchalant manner. Simply put, this individual from the south finally found a place in the North where she felt her views were acceptable. I sense that if she were sitting in the Left Field Pavallion at Dodger Stadium, she would not be so open about her true feelings.

So if you find it difficult to befriend white people, it doesn’t help to know a little something about the Cubs and to suggest a trip to Wrigley Field.

Often times if you ask a white person about where to travel, you will get a lot of responses. But if you ask them about New York, white people will go nuts. They love the city universally and all either live there, have lived there, will live there or want to live there.

White people like New York because it has artists, restaurants, a subway, history, diversity, plays, and other white people. It literally has everything white people need to thrive! The only thing it’s missing is nature, but Central Park is right there, and since you are walking all the time, you are outside!

If you are from New York, tell this to a white person. They will instantly be interested in you “what part of New York? and you are really from there?” When they inevitably tell you about your home town (“I know this great italian place…”) you should respond by saying “man, I thought place was only known to New Yorkers.”

Another secret fact about white people, if you are in group setting and the topic of New York City comes up, find the highest ranking white person and say “oh, are you from New York?”

To them, this means you are calling them cultured, cool, and urban. They will respond with something like “oh, well, I’ve spent a lot of time there,” or “I lived there for three years.” You will have instantly become more popular than all other people in the group.