Thursday, December 18, 2008

Raising the Stakes: The Contest Continues

As I mentioned yesterday, I like when people pay attention to my blog. And when it comes to attention, there's nobody who pays more of it to my blog than the Opinionated Cyclist. Beloved by some, reviled by others, and ignored by all but a few, the OC is in a constant state of evolution. Having re-invented himself as a lip-sync act, he's no longer especially opinionated, nor does he really discuss cycling anymore. In that sense, he's outgrown his moniker, much in the way bands like Sonic Youth and Metallica have. (Sonic Youth haven't been "youthful" since the 80s, and Metallica haven't been "metal" since before Glenn Danzig autographed my ticket stub.) But this only makes the OC more compelling and enigmatic, as I'm sure you'll agree should you choose to watch this video, in which he performs Poison's "Unskinny Bop:"

It's worth pointing out that the OC's lack of celebrity is merely an accident of context and geography. If he were to relocate to Williamsburg, Brooklyn he'd become famous almost overnight. After all, he's slight of build, he makes lo-fi movies of himself, he rides an old crappy 10-speed, and he's obsessed with the worst cultural detritus of the 1980s. These are qualities that are highly prized among the hipsterim, and I have no doubt that he'd be hosting a monthly film festival, fronting a Britny Fox cover band, and on the cover New York Magazine within six months of signing the lease on his apartment in Bushwick East Williamsburg.

Moving on, I have some good news and some bad news with regard to The Great BSNYC/RTMS Fyxomatosis Photo Parody Contest (presented by the Gourmet Cheese of the Month Club). The bad news is that the Gourmet Cheese of the Month Club has withdrawn its support as a fictional presenting sponsor. As such, I've been forced to begin the hunt for new pretend support, and am currently in make-believe talks with Boston Whaler Boats--The Unsinkable Legend.

The good news is that the winner of The Great BSNYC/RTMS Fyxomatosis Photo Parody Contest (tentatively and fictionally presented by Boston Whaler Boats--The Unsinkable Legend) may receive yet another prize. That's right, in addition to:

Yep you read that right. (Or, if you can't read, whoever's reading this out loud to you read right.) The very bounty that Fyxomatosis put on my head can now be yours for parodying them! I don't know how it happened, but somehow this contest has collapsed under the weight of its own irony. All I do know is that Andy of Fyxomatosis is indeed serious. (He must like attention too.) I also know that the chainring is available in 130 and 144bcd (but not 135bcd, despite saying "brev" on it like a Campy ring does), that Andy is offering it completely of his own volition, and that it is perhaps the finest website-themed chainring money can buy--at least until I "drop" my own BSNYC/RTMS chainring, the "Vadrivetrain Dentata." (Ultra-rare 132bcd size only, choice of "raw" or "shaven" finish.)

At any rate, not only is this contest collapsing under the weight of its own irony, but I'm also collapsing under the stress of running a contest. (Frankly, I don't know how Fat Cyclist does it. And his contests are sincere to boot!) As such, I'm going to set a firm date for the contest's conclusion, and that date is very soon-ish. In the meantime, here are some more entries, which continue to come in from around the world:

This photo comes from none other than esteemed commenter Leroy, and is one in a touching series featuring a somewhat naive, Billy Mumphry-esque trainer making its way around New York City. Here we find it in Times Square. It's become very fashionable to speak negatively of the new Times Square, which since the Giuliani days has become "Disneyfied." Personally, I don't understand this. The only thing New York City lost when Times Square got cleaned up was yet another place to masturbate publicly, and there are still plenty of crappy areas in the five boroughs--trust me on that one. Then again, the old Times Square would have made an ideal backdrop for this photo, since it would have been easy to imagine the trainer getting pick-pocketed, or hustled by a con man, or being forced to spend the night in an X-rated movie theater due to lack of funds. Maybe the trainer would even be forced to turn tricks. I can see it taking a few bucks from a desperate roadie for some quick intervals in an alleyway or something. (In that case, the roadie would be more of a "Fred" than a "John.")

Speaking of hustling, here's another compelling shot from another reader. Note the secure locking job. This one's also part of a series:

As you can see, it's a series that goes horribly awry.

Moving from hams to gams, this photo is part of yet another sultry series called "Training to be a Fyxo Model:"

"Fresh Hot Cakes" indeed. Wisely, our model is training on a cyclocross bike before moving on to a track bike. Not only is this a smart bike choice for foul weather (it is winter after all), but the chainline shot is also a crucial one in track bike porn so it's a good idea to practice staring down one on a geared bike first. That way, you can vary the chainline to find your sexiest angle.

This photo, forwarded by a reader, isn't even a submission for the Fyxomatosis contest, but if it were it would certainly be a contender for the grand prize. Certainly it's not uncommon to see bicycles on which one component is worth more than the rest of the bike. However, this is something else entirely. I'd actually like a wider shot of the room; I'm guessing he may also be using a King headset for his threadless doorknob setup.

Or maybe it does get more perverse. Another reader has sent me this:

I'm not sure what's going on here, but it appears to be some sort of amphibious 70s porno sex recumbent. I think this may have been a "collabo" between PPV and Boston Whaler. I'm not sure what's under that fairing, but I'm guessing it's not wearing pants.

Last time I watched an OC video at home (just a rant, no singing, dancing or air drums)my 3-year-old daughter was looking on. After watching for about 30 seconds, she blurted out "Daddy, I HATE that guy. I wanna watch Hello Kitty".

About that time, I figured the video would be a good visual aid for the "Stranger Danger" lecture.

Agreed...in the right hipster neighborhood the OC would quickly become a celebrity and finally get the "fans" he has been longing for. Wesley Willis, Daniel Johnston, and Mikey Wild come to mind. I guess the OC just needs the right "handlers". Any volunteers?

That PPV was awesome, it was an acronym for the Playboy Porking Vehicle. The device was created at the height of the oil crisis in the 70s, when the prospect of public sex in a car was just too expensive, and gas lineups were a major turn off.

Coupled with Mr. Microphone, one could cruise for easy sex with skanks without fear of running out of gas.

Somehow, the text of that PPV ad got removed or lost:" hey baby, do you want to have free, uninhibited, no-strings, sex?"" sure man, and we don't need condoms,HIV won't be around for another 8 years."

It's become very fashionable to speak negatively of the new Times Square, which since the Giuliani days has become "Disneyfied."

Yeah, I miss the days where you could go to Times Square, catch a porno, get raped as you left the theater then get mugged and murdered as you tried to stagger away to the Hospital, while a couple demoralized, lackadaisical cops hung out smoking weed, chatting with hookers and taking action on exactly when you'd finish bleeding out. The new Times Square is so... clean and inauthentic.

I HATE YOU RUDY GIULIANI YOU BASTARD! YOU WRECKED TIMES SQUARE!!!!! JERK!!!!!

Is there some (ironic?) reason for that CX bike to have a double crank but no front derailleur? Is it a deliberate attempt to collapse under the combined ironic weight of V-brakes, rotorless centerlock splines and lumpy bar tape?

Hey BS, are you trying to lull unsuspecting readers into thinking they have an extra day to bone up for the inevitable Friday fun Quiz? The BLOG date suggests that today is Wednesday today... not a big deal, but I almost put on the wrong smock.

Is it ironic that Anonymous@2:19 PM misjudges samh's valid application of the term ironic while in the same breath properly criticizes Alanis Morrisette's misapplication of the term? Or is is just confusion?

Taking its name from the Greek eironeia (dissimulation), irony consists of purporting a meaning of an utterance or a situation that is different, often opposite, to the literal one.-Maike Oergel, Encyclopaedia Of German Literature

Irony is a state of affairs or an event that seems deliberately contrary to what one expects and is often amusing as a result.-The New Oxford English Dictionary

irony 2. fig. A condition of affairs or events of a character opposite to what was, or might naturally be, expected; a contradictory outcome of events as if in mockery of the promise and fitness of things.

no, to enter your own contest is not ironic, perhaps if he won his own chainring by winning snob's contest, but merely entering your own contest has absolutely nothing to do with irony

irony (easy definition): intended and actual outcome of an event are opposites.

So since the intention of entering a contest is to win it, losing is ironic. So most racers here are ironic riders, but folks who just get out to spin their wheels and have some fun are not, unless they have a non-fun bike experience.

unexpected does not equal ironic, missing a comic/absurdist element. george bush making a good decision is not ironic, and neither is rain on your wedding day or entering a contest people don't expect you to.

I think the london langster that was not locked very well is its own security device. I mean think about it, you saw it locked like that, stood there long enough to take a picture of it, then walked away with out taking it right? London edition langster, the unstealable bike!

@Anonymous 5:19 PM"Unexpected does not equal ironic...neither is...entering a contest people don't expect you to."

While I agree with all your points individually, you have misunderstood the source of irony in the hypothetical scenario wherein Fixomytosis enters Snob's contest. As you correctly point out, it is not ironic because it is unexpected. Rather, it is ironic because Snob's contest mocks the Fixomytosis aesthetic. Hence, if Fixomytosis were to submit its usual pictorial fare as an entry into the contest, it would not only be unexpected, but also absurd and incongruous, with a dash of cheekiness thrown in as well. That is to say 'ironic.'

Liked the OC more during his Kenny Rogers phase, more genuine, more heart felt, more soul and he really nailed the sentiment. But I think he needs his equivalent of Dolly Parton to complete him... I'd pay to watch that duo

Is it just me, or when the Fyxamatosis comp got "dropped", wasn´t rhe Rapha cravat the major prize, with the pie-plate just the cherry on top?This is shamefull double-dealing on the part of the Snob.Re-instate the Rapha neck wrappings in the prize pot or declare thyself a bounder and a liar!!!!

You can substitute cucumbers (the really long English hothouse ones), and still have room for alcohol wipes, lubricant, and absorbent cloth or small packet of baby wipes, and there's an internal pocket for a copy of Mayfair or Zipper or perhaps a sploshing special issue (or A4 pads).

The Bonk Bag has a condom pocket and silicone bananas (as shown) and is padded, and has a zippered outer pocket for Rohypnol and Viagra/Cialis.

What the HELL is up with that Opinionated Cyclist? Dude, (Bike Snob that is)... I think he's OBSESSED with you. I *tried* to watch that "Unskinny Bop" video, and it's like he has to mention your name 2-3 times in a sentence!! That is flat out scary!!

Did you hear about the obsessed fan of Paula Abdul who killed herself recently? This dude sounds exactly like that... OBSESSED with you, and if your identity ever gets exposed, he's gonna be showing up at your doorstep everyday. I hope you're familiar with filing restraining orders, cuz this dude is gonna be all ABOUT THAT.

Hey OP... don't wait until Bike Snob's identity gets exposed and then kill yourself on his doorstep. Just go ahead and do it now, cuz you are a damn FREAK. Get your own life, and leave Bike Snob alone. Jackass.

what's sadder - being an oblivious retard having a good time taking part some competition or being a normally functioning person who feels he has to make fun of the retards to make himself feel better/occupy his time.

antWerp, you're the only bumhead left defending your silly game - over and over. It's like you're waiting for someone to knock on your schtick, just so you can blab some teenage twaddle we all last heard on the playground.

I don't whine online, I defend myself against insults online, slight difference. On top of that, I try not to be too insulting (or use any teenage twaddle), I just respond to the attacks using a little logic, and sometimes a little humour. You refer to the podium race as a silly game, I agree on that point, it's a silly game some people like to play. How would you define the constant attacks against those of us who enjoy the silly game? Intelligent, fruitfull, original, non-whiny? Yeah, I've got a few bikes, what does that prove?

it is not absurd at all to enter (knowingly) a contest that mocks you. i think we all learned in middle school that the ability to laugh at yourself is the way to not get your ass kicked.

Where are you getting all these rules? Having a valid reason for doing something doesn't preclude irony: situations are multifaceted and at times paradoxical.

Some people can take a joke. But many people are irritated or offended by things that mock them. Hence some people find it surprising when a particular mockee can turn around and laugh at him/herself.

Just because you personally are not surprised by the situation in question doesn't nobody else is. Opinion is one thing, but making sweeping statements about subjective things (e.g. declaring forcefully that something is ironic or not) requires insight into other people's perceptions.

Otherwise it's like saying, "I don't find Seinfeld funny; therefore it is not a funny show."

so you do find that absurd, eh? look, i relented long ago and said i could be wrong about this, etc, etc. i don't think it is analagous to whether seinfeld is funny, which it is, and if you want irony, check out Kramer's Peterman pants story

i think it is missing a component to make it ironic. i think if you approached random people and said, 'yeah, so this guy is entering a contest that was started to mock him', most wouldn't find that ironic, it's purposeful, blah,blah...now if he were to win and his photo featured a pic of snobbie or something....

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!