Thursday, 17 May 2012

Monster

"Damaged people are dangerous because they know they can survive."

Your silence over the years never came as a surprise to me. I always assumed that it was your way of coping with your mistake. I also assumed that your defense mechanisms had made you forget and pretend that you were right all-along. What I never considered was the possibility that it was deliberate lack-of-action. That you knew all along what you were doing. That your sinister smile was a real reflection of the twisted brain inside your head.

Perhaps, my excuses for you were a shield for my own feelings. After all, it is much easier to deal with someone who unintentionally messed up versus someone who connived to bring you down.

Today, I am not her. I am not that person who let go because there was no choice. I am not even that person who silently ignored your cruelty. And I am definitely not that person who innocently gave you the benefit of doubt.

Sometimes, I still feel the sudden pang of pain. Sometimes I still hate you with every last emotion left in me. Sometimes I still want to hurt you in the same never-ending way. Then, I let go - not to forgive you, but to transcend you.

Year after year, I always envisaged a moment of regret, of forgiveness, of closure.

Now I know better than to ask for it. I know that I don't have any forgiveness left to give. I know that there is nothing that can make your mistake okay. I know now that there is no magical way to make you more of a person.