Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Would You Read On? hosted by Diana Flegal

Welcome to Would You Read On?

This week's First Page is the opening to a Historical novel. We welcome your thoughts. Please comment below if you would continue reading on.

Nicodemus, Kansas

Spring, 1885

Some folks said he was crazy,
others saw him as plain evil but most folks just avoided Gideon McCoy and
understandably so. When he rode through a town it was hard to decide which held
your gaze more, the man or his horse. Each distinctly seized your attention and
together they made a remarkable spectacle.

In this small Kansas town it
was unusual to see a man so pristinely garbed wearing such an expensive white
shirt and black trousers under a long black overcoat. His fancy gun belt trimmed
in silver pulled your eyes to his pearl handle six shooter. More of an odd
occurrence was for the man to be a recognized gunman and a Negro. With
unashamed impudence he led his steed down the main street of the town.

The horse was a fine-looking
tannish blonde with a bleached colored mane and tail, equally eye-catching and
rare. The animal’s legs were outstanding, long and thick with hoofs uncommonly
sturdy. He was indeed a magnificent beast trotting with the same imposing dignity
his rider exhibited. The pair moved unhurriedly down the street taking in the
distant view of an endless blue sky and tall prairie grass swaying in the warm
breeze.

The extravagantly embellished
saddle was not only quality leather but had the rider’s name inscribed across
the back. There would be no mistaking he was the infamous Gideon McCoy credited
with walking away from over fifteen gunfights leaving his opponents sprawled
dead in the dirt.

13 comments:

I really like historical fiction, so I would be curious about what was going to happen. It would be good to take out the "you"s in there--they kind of trip up the reader by bringing us back into the present. And I'm not big on descriptions of horses, but that might be just me. =) Happy writing!Kimberly Raewww.stolenwoman.org

I agree about the "yous". It takes me out of the setting. The descriptions are nice, but I'm waiting on some sort of clue as to where the story is going. I would probably read on, though, to see the conflict being set up.

The voice of the narrator is sophisticated--"pristinely garbed" and "unashamed impudence" "imposing dignity" "extravagantly embellished" and I think you can keep that high-brow flavor and still cut the redundancies.

The writer tells us he's pristine then shows the white shirt. I thinks she could cut "pristinely" and speed things up. She could cut the other adverbs and adjectives above, too. Impudence implies unashamed, dignity implies imposing, and embellished implies extravagance. They are not synonymous, but they are close enough to feel redundant. They weigh this opening down.

Just the words "impudence" and "dignity" and "embellishment" are enough to show us the narrator is educated and thoughtful.

I think this is an intriguing opening with an interesting character and I want to read more. If the writer would read and apply Noah Lukeman's FIRST FIVE PAGES this opening would sing.

I think it makes for a nice opening, keeping the pace laid back like we want from a western. The one criticism I have is that there is too much closure at the end of the page. We see him ride into town and but at the end of the page we see his back. No one is afraid of a man's back, no matter how many gunfights he's been in. I say, cut the last paragraph and replace it with something that will show us the threat he is to these people. Make us fear.

I love it that he's a black gunfighter who wins, dresses like a king, and rides an expensive horse. But I'd like some dialogue, to give us a glimpse into his character. Even a sentence or two would help me want to read on.

I'd give it another two pages, then if it was more of the same kind of discription, I'd not read on. If it had some action and dialogue, I'd read further.

I love historical fiction, and yes, I would read on! I want to know what makes this pair so unique and why they are riding into town. I agree with a few of the other comments on techincal details, but I could see the story in my mind, and I liked what I saw.

Yes I'd read on. The first line hooks me and the first paragraph sets the hook. I realize how unique an educated and sophisticated black man would have been in this time frame and I want to know whats going to happen. My only criticism, since its just an exposure to the first page, is there is no hint at what's the story about other than the genre. But it looks like a good read to me! I didnt trip over "you's" had to go back and look for them when read comments. LOL!

MEET THE HARTLINE AGENTS

Joyce Hart, Owner and principal agent

Joyce Hart, owner and principal agent of Hartline Literary Agency has been a literary agent for more than a decade. She was formerly the vice president of marketing of an inspirational publishing company and as the president of Hartline Marketing has nearly thirty-two years of successful experience marketing and promoting books. Joyce has been a pioneer in selling high-quality fiction to the inspirational market and has built an excellent rapport with leading inspirational publishers. A member of ACFW, and the National Association of Professional Women, Joyce is a graduate of Open Bible College, Des Moines, IA now merged with Eugene Bible College in Eugene, Oregon. Joyce is based at Hartline Literary's Pittsburgh headquarters.

Diana Flegal, Agent

Diana currently lives in Asheville NC. A Bible College major in Missions and Anthropology, Diana has been a medical missionary to Haiti, a women's speaker and bible study leader. One of her life's highlights has been teaching apologetics to high school students as preparatory for college. Avid reader and intuitive editor, Diana's represents nonfiction and well written fiction. She has a passion for getting great writers published.

Jim Hart, Agent

Jim Hart is looking for authors who can write unique and engaging fictional suspense, romance, women’s fiction, historical fiction and some sci-fi. Jim is also interested in non-fiction regarding church growth, Christian living, and self-help. Keep in mind that non-fiction topics require a certain level of credentials, experience and expertise. The author will need an appropriate platform to present a non-fiction proposal.

Currently Jim is not looking at children’s, young adult or Biblical fiction proposals.

He holds a degree in Production Journalism and worked for twenty years in direct mail advertising before taking a job with an urban social services agency, where he worked for twelve years. All during his professional career, Jim has served with the local church doing youth ministry and music/worship ministry. He is a credentialed minister with the Assemblies of God, and serves part-time as Worship Pastor in his local church in Southwestern Pennsylvania.

Linda Glaz, Agent

Linda is an experienced editor, reviewer and writer, and for a couple of years was a final reader for Wild Rose Press, then for White Rose Publishing and she worked as an editorial assistant for Hartline Agent Terry Burns. She has judged for numerous contests including the Genesis for the American Christian Fiction Writers, as well as the Emily Award for the West Houston Chapter of the Romance Writers of America. She has been on the faculty for Faithwriters.com annual conference, Maranatha, and is slated for numerous others in 2013. Linda understands writers because she's a writer herself with 4 books releasing in 2013.linda@hartlineliterary.comhttp://lindaglaz.blogspot.com/

Andy Scheer, Agent

Andy has a wealth of experience as a publishing professional with over 18 years as the managing editor of Moody Magazine, 8 years as the managing editor for the Christian Writer’s Guild, and as a free-lance writer and editor. He is a frequent instructor at writing conferences around the country. A journalism graduate from Colorado State University, he also attended Denver Seminary. Andy is a consummate professional and will be a great addition to the Hartline team.