Author: Hi, I am Helena

Hi, I am Helena, I am 20, and I am an addict. But I am also a dancer, a writer, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a (bad) cook, a student, a linguist, a singer and a blogger. Let me take you on a journey...

It’s the first sentence of my post, and its painfully true. I left treatment on the Thursday, and by Saturday I was back on the gear. I feel shame, guilt, but at the heart of it I felt total fucking relief. Am I allowed to say that? Probably not. I used heroin after leaving treatment, mixed with a beautiful blend of vodka and 7up. It was messy and I facetimed the ever suffering lovely Harry, and he was amazing. He was supportive and non judgemental, just like he always is, (and never realises) and is a trooper.

You might have noticed that my argument or point for want of a better word is slightly straying from the point. There is a reason for this; at this very moment in time I am listening to Nirvana, and I am high and a little bit drunk. Spellcheck is my new best friend.

I believe in my higher power, I believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. But right now, in my clouded judgement I can’t hear or feel my higher power. It’s like it’s asleep and I can’t get through to it. Every song goes so quickly and I’m lost in between tracks. My mood changes with each song and I feel a wave of whatever emotion the song portrays.

Reader if you’re out there, listening to my sorry voice, all that I ask is that you spare a moment in your day to think about the addicts and alcoholics still suffering in and outside of treatment- me included- and pray for me.

I feel like I have let so many people down; my counsellors, my peers in treatment and my friends and family who are all routing for me. I have a tin, some pills and my wallet ready to make a line, and a bottle of mixed vodka ready to go and I feel so ashamed.

I will get through tonight. Higher power, if you are listening give me the strength to get through tonight. I would really appreciate comments with encouragement. I can do this.

God, grant me the serenity,
To accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

It can be scary thinking about the future, and what you want. It’s terrifying, believe me, I know.

Along your journey you might see escape routes, alternatives, easy callings for things you could settle for. But reader, don’t stop and settle for something that you know you could deal with and like, but never truly love.

If you want that Range Rover, keep grinding until you get it. Don’t settle for a mini if a Range Rover is what you want. You deserve to give yourself the life you are dreaming of, because anything less than that would be doing yourself such a disservice.

If you want that job, keep working and playing the game until it’s yours. Don’t sell yourself short, you are capable of such incredible things.

Think with me now…what is that life that would be living beyond your wildest dreams? Is it to be sober and clean? The CEO? Have a beautiful family with your dream crush? Don’t ever stop fighting for what you want.

Whoever you are, wherever you may be.

Don’t you dare cheat yourself of something that could have been infinitely amazing, because you were too scared of that small leap of faith.

Don’t you dare run and hide when it comes to making your mind up about what you want, because you were too indecisive about what you knew you wanted, versus what was right in front of you at the time.

Don’t you dare settle for anything shy of perfection, anything short of exactly what you want, and anything less than the best.

For some reason I woke up and decided that instead of going to the gym like I had planned I would go for a very brief run instead. I put on my running kit, which always makes me feel more motivated, opened my running app (that hadn’t been used in months), and started to jog.

It hurt and I was so out of breath, and the whole ordeal lasted 10 pathetic minutes, but I did it. I actually ran a mile. A mile is just under 1700m, and I ran just over that to be sure. It was horrendous and painful and embarrassing…but also actually kind of amazing.

I felt really, really good afterwards as well. Not sure if I can incorporate this into my regular routine given that I am not in a healthy place mentally or physically right now, but I think I am getting to the stage in my recovery where I can.

Its relief is not like having a cold drink of water on a hot dry day. The relief is colder.

Its satisfaction is not like having a warm, home cooked meal at the end of a journey. The satisfaction will always be more warm.

Its excitement is not like when you had Christmas as a child. That excitement is comparable to watching paint dry in its presence.

The energy is not like drinking 4 cans of red bull. Beside drugs, 4 red bulls are just water.

Its euphoria is nothing like finding out you’ve passed your degree. Next to drugs, that feeling is like being told water is wet.

Its ability to take away pain is not like an anaesthetic. It not only takes away pain, but it replaces it with something beautiful.

The love it gives to you is not like the love you have for your parents, or your siblings, your partner or your own children. The love it gives you is love for yourself, love you can be selfish with, love you can wallow in and feel nothing you don’t want and everything you do.

However, The withdrawals are not like missing somebody who has died, or left you behind. Drugs can come back and then leave you all over again.

The hate it gives you is not comparable to the hate you feel against someone who assaulted you, or someone who hurt your children. The hate gives the external world a grey filter, and the internal one no filter at all, it’s just you and the horrible unfiltered voices.

The despair not like having your heart broken. It is like everyone in the world’s heart has broken, all inside one chest.

Ultimately, its an abusive relationship. You love them, and they love you. Sometimes.

Some absolute rubbsish which has legitimately made me question whether I should continue to spend what little money I have on this stuff.

I knew I would get to this point eventually, and some days I wonder “is it worth it” more than others. But the main thing is, I do wonder “is it worth it, meaning that my mentality is changing.

It’s really tough battling against yourself, because when you make your mind up about something it suddenly feels really really easy, like it was never actually an issue to you. That is until you start having doubts on your decision and the bad thoughts start to kick in, trying to tempt you and drag you back down.

It’s the moments when you don’t get the right hit, or you take too much and put yourself in danger….moments like those which force you to take a step back for a second and just think to yourself “what the hell am I doing to myself?”.

You are either dying, or in recovery. And sometimes I know this, and other times I forget. But right now I am very aware of it and its scaring me a little bit. I’m fed up of constantly swinging between my two states of existence: a user who mopes about for days on a binge- and then the functioning addict who lives in a state of denial and ignorance about the state of her condition.

Everything is perfectly fine, until suddenly its not anymore. Gives you some food for thought.