If I were a boy

What It Feels Like For a Girl and If I Were a Boy…

Too many times to count I’ve thought to myself “I wonder what it would be like to have a penisfor a day. No, a week. Make that a week. How much damage could I cause in a week if only Ihad a penis?” Hi, I’m Emma and I’m a thinker.

But, really. If I had a dime for every time I heard a dude say, “If I had boobs, I’d play with themall day,” I’d be FILTHY rich and boys need to know we think the same thing, except abouthaving a weiner. It’s so bizarre to think that I will never know what it’s like to have that unless Ipull a Chaz Bono on myself, but I think I’ve given my mom enough mental heart attacks that shedoesn’t need any more surprises from me. Family first, y’all.

Besides the physical differences between men and women, I have also seriously pondered thevast distinctions between the sexes when it comes to how we process things, how we operate ona day-to-day basis and our overall attitude about life. I’ve had a legitimate Beyonce moment andwondered….

If I were a boy, would life be better?

And I’m not talking “better” in the sense of being promoted or gaining more respect in theworkforce - I’m talking emotionality-wise. How would it feel not to cry at the ruffling of paperfor an entire week every month? How would it feel to be able to tell your friends to fuck off ifthey were being assholes and not get in a 5-day standoff about it? How would it feel to be able tothrow on a sports jersey and jeans and be ready for a night out?

Let’s break it down, shall we?

Being “bigger” doesn’t matter. How many big boys do you see with hot pieces of tailon their arm? When a dude has a jolly belly, it’s overlooked for their personality andprobably some fuggin’ great facial hair. Being spooned by a protruding beer belly andwrapped up in gargantuan thighs makes a gal all warm and tingly inside – not to mentionmakes her feel like a regular 00 supermodel. I actually PREFER when dudes havemeat on their bones so I know my jiggle-party is not a depressing party of one. Jigglingtogether is better than jiggling alone.

Boys can eat whatever the hell they want and don’t want to off themselves when theyrealize what they’ve devoured. This goes hand-in-hand with the whole notion of boysbeing “allowed” to be bigger specimen. This is also why girlfriends end up gainingweight the deeper and deeper they crawl into the relationship hole. “Oh, he wants toorder pizza? I mean, I don’t want to deny him of his wants. I guess I’ll have to eat some,too.” “Wings and beer on Sundays is like our ritual, you guys. It’s our cute little traditionthat makes me less cuter naked.” “We’re a couple and we breathe so we might as wellmake some pasta.” Yes, I eat queso and sit around with my pants undone but in private.With good friends. Out of the public light. Boys? Nah. Boys grab their weenuses and eatqueso like beasts for everyone to see and are PROUD.

Pimples or odd skin issues in general? NO PROBLEM. Ya know why? Cause thereisn’t much they can do about it anyway. Boys aren’t expected to have complexions thatresemble a hairless Asian’s butt. Their whiteheads often go unnoticed or are writtenoff with the understanding that “they can’t help it.” Ladies, on the other hand, shall nothave ONE blemish on their face otherwise they might as well hole up in their apartmentand wait for the inevitable spinsterhood they’re life is headed toward. How DARE youoverlook that microscopic zit right below your chin line that no one else can see but you!Leave! Leave now and don’t come back until you’re perfect! I should also point out thatunibrows, random patches of hair growth, unkempt fingernails and toenails – all of thesethings are overlooked on men whereas women have to devote literal DAYS to grooming.The amount of hours, money and last glimpses of sanity that go into making sure not onehair is out of place is enough to drive us over the edge. And it does. Why do you thinkwe’re all insane?

Boys can pee ANYWHERE. This is probably the biggest point of jealousy I havetoward men. What I wouldn’t give to have a stick for a peeing device that I can just whipout wherever and relieve myself. This seemingly small advantage is one of the majorreasons I’ve written off music festival forever. When you spend half of My MorningJacket’s set waiting in line for a port-a-potty with shit-smeared walls and spot boys juststanding in corners of grass inconspicuously, IT’S NOT FAIR. And, yes, girls can popa squat if we REALLY need to but I’m not sure having pee-soaked inner thighs for theremainder of the night is really worth the risk.

Fights don’t exist unless it’s over a girl and even then, they blow over in 30 secondsflat. You know why men and women will never fully understand each other? Becausewomen have to rehearse exactly how they’re going to confront their friend and re-readthe email or text 12 times before sending it to be sure they didn’t use the wrong adjectiveor maybe say something that could be misconstrued to be a dig at their friend’s lateaunt who worked at that small boutique in Maryland who she never had that close of arelationship with but had a weird connection to and is super sensitive about that wholething. We read it out loud. We make our mom read it. We make our sister read it. Weget 107 opinions on how it ‘comes across’ before we send it and then we sit in a poolof our anxiety poop until she responds. When men have an issue with another man, theresolution is so simple. They either fist fight, say “Hey. Dude. Stop being an asshole” or,my favorite, NOTHING. SILENCE. An understood temporary break from one anotherthat isn’t discussed or analyzed. Distance to control their natural rage and then resolution,nonverbally with a pat on the back. Unless you’re dealing with gay men – that’s a wholeother screaming, crying, backstabbing ball game that terrifies me.

Boys can turn their minds off which I’m almost certain is impossible for girls to do.The way men can so easily compartmentalize their lives makes me wanna puke in jealousdisgust. If the two of you are in a fight, he can go to work and act completely normal,completing some of the best work of his career while you’re in your cube, barely focused,trembling and listening to Beach House while salty tears roll down your mascara-stainedface. Long has it been a debate that women cannot reach the levels of success men canbecause our emotions get in the way and to that I say – YOU DON’T KNOW ME.DON’T TRY TO TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CAN’T DO! ::sobbing::

Having said all of this and listing what I think to be incredibly valid points about theupsides of being a dude, I have concluded that…

I just love shopping and dressing up too much to ever really wish for a man’s life. Thankthe lard it’s not up to me to make the first move when it comes to dating and that societyfinds it completely acceptable and almost EXPECTS us to cry all the time, without anywarning. No – I enjoy being a girl too much. But, boys – I still like you. A lot. And don’tblame you for being the way you are. I would be too if I were you. But I’m not. So withthat, I say:

“When I have a brand new hairdoWith my eyelashes all in curl,I float as the clouds on air do,I enjoy being a girl!”

emma

Emma is funny and you can find more of her at her amazing fantastic blog, Emma's Things, which you would be a crazy person not to check out and/or read in its entirety.