visions of america

‘Pole Dancing For Jesus’ Is New Texas Fad, According To Local News

Are you an ex-stripper trying to get it together by kicking the meth and oxycontin? Tired of your boyfriend you met at the strip club, that cop, always beating the shit out of you? Can’t afford enough tattoos to cover your bruises and track marks? Welcome to Texas! You know, where you were born and raised! It’s too bad you live in a country where being born poor nearly guarantees you’ll be a single mom and a high school dropout and that you’ll be forced into stripping at some grim honkytonk on the edge of town because it’s the only thing that pays better than WalMart.

But guess what America offers instead of good education and vocational training and child care and health coverage? Jesus! Not the real Jesus, mind you — what, exactly, does some semi-mythological Jewish radical and the gnostic religion founded in his name by disparate Greek communities during the mid-1st Century Roman Empire have to do with Today’s America? American Jesus, on the other hand, gives you the same banal corporate rock you used to listen to on Rock 106.5 or whatever, when you were high, but now you’re all cleaned up again and it’s all about Jesus.

According to this local newscast in Houston, a big trend (two raccoon-eyed ladies sloppin’ around a stripper pole in some mall dance studio) has developed, and it’s all about sliding your crotch up and down a pole while “contemporary Christian music” plays on a boombox. American Jesus loves this stuff — you can even see his cross-shaped boner pushing through his bathrobe.

ALSO: Big props to the guy newscaster, who introduces this important journalist report with, “At first it was Jesus Juice ….” Because that’s what dead pop star Michael Jackson infamously called the wine he made the little boys drink, before he fucked them in his house named after Peter Pan’s magic world of pirates and boy-on-boy torture, “Jesus Juice.” So, it’s basically an unbroken chain from, uhh, the anonymous authors of the Pauline epistles to Michael Jackson fucking little boys to these Texas gals grinding it for da Lord.

Have you even SEEN the Holy Ghost? That dude supports the Holy Trinity, if you know what I'm saying.

littlebigdaddy

I did actually read an article, would've had to be in the LA Times, about some actual porno actor who was also a "lay preacher" (hehe) and was trying to, somehow, combine his two callings. This is a fucked up country, for sure.

horsedreamer_1

Universal Life Church?

GOPCrusher

Bettie Page was reported to be a devout Xtian during her heyday, until becoming a "born-again" in 1959.
Erica Campbell retired from porn in 2008 to become a full time Xtian.

If churches had g-strings for collection plates I would go more often. A lot more often.

Sue4466

Jesus + strippers. Is it sweeps week already?

bagofmice

Jesus was down with the 'hos. The bastard.

chascates

I prefer the titty dancer with the boa constrictor.

bagofmice

That phrase makes me wonder what a boa expander would look like.

SorosBot

Brittney Spears?

horsedreamer_1

The violator of the 13th amendment? Why, the very same!

Lionel[redacted]Esq

So…. Mormonism?

magnetite

Zhora? Skinjob-lover! Hey we got ourselves a skinj-oh wait, hers was a python. As you were.

nounverb911

"Are you an ex-stripper trying to get it together by kicking the meth and oxycontin? Tired of your boyfriend you met at the strip club, that cop, always beating the shit out of you? "
When is Rush Limbaugh moving to Texas?

"I talk to god" she says. "God calls and is all like 'tell me about your panties, and can you make some gagging sounds like you are sucking a dick?' Yeah, I know god is all around me because I constantly hear his heavy breathing and fapping noise."

elviouslyqueer

Muscular Jesus is not amused, and also thinks that the "dancers'" purple nail polish and Lucite platform heels are tack-o-rama.

Oh I'm not so sure that Jebus wasn't with Priscilla on that the outback Greyhound.

LabRodent

I often here the word Jesus being shouted from the VIP room at my local strip club. Oooo that explains it.

DownFist Troll

Hookers for jesus > strippers for jesus

Hatrabbit

Jesus tipped.

Not_So_Much

Jesus tipped made it rain.

/fixed

V5¹6ª℠5½6³9•4°

May I say that telejournalist Kristin Kane already has a porn/stripper name, an admirable rack, appropriate flowing hair, and the right sort of extracurricular interests to qualify her very self as a Pole Dancer for Jeebus? Plus her little "Squee!" look at the end of the teaser is very fetching.

Do it, Kristin…do it live!

nounverb911

Is her sister named Kandy?

horsedreamer_1

She might be swimming in the same genepool as Kimberly Kane. (Don't Google that from work.)

V5¹6ª℠5½6³9•4°

Actually her Website has a beautifully designed (barely SFW) start page. Way too classy for a pornstar.

horsedreamer_1

I would expect nothing less from the tech-savvy star of The XXX Files (or whatever the parody of the Chris Carter sci-fi serial was).

Kane played the Scully role.

teebob2000

You're not the boss of me!

Oh, shit!!!

SorosBot

Can other religions get in on the act? Stripping for Shiva! Public masturbating for Mohamed! Bukkake for Buddha!

I love it when around 1:22 in the first clip the hot-lady correspondent tells the anchor that she's going to do a few pole moves herself. I've never seen a black dude turn red so fast. He smiled so hard his face nearly broke.

Texas — where Christian women, modestly dressed, in a room without men, listening to Christian music and who are required to produce a church program even to get into the class, can get in trouble with the morality police. You know, we could end the whole Libya conflict right now by letting Qaddafi become governor of Texas and letting Libya be a democracy — it would advance the relative level of civilization of both places by at least a century.

One things for sure, Jesus would be an extremely liberal tipper, though he would probably admonish us all from believing that there is ever sex in the Champagne Room.

el_donaldo

He could have just one dollar bill and somehow stuff several into twenty garters! Or more! It's a miracle!

Weenus299

I used to mess around with strippers in Texas. They could teach a thing or two to Christian Rock-y whippersnappers. Praise somebody. God. Damn.

V5¹6ª℠5½6³9•4°

"So, it’s basically an unbroken chain from, uhh, the anonymous authors of the Pauline epistles to Michael Jackson fucking little boys to these Texas gals grinding it for da Lord." With links at the Vatican, Dublin (in Jeebus' special little country!) Boston, LA, etc. Glad you realized that fucking little boys is not an unhappy by-product of Jeebus-loving, but rather its real purpose. Sorry, "Catholics," but whaddya gonna do?

nounverb911

Is the downfister going to change his name to "Pole Dancing For Jesus" now?

Naturally, this was a Fox news broadcast. As usual, the liberal media is nowhere to be seen.

metamarcisf

liberal media

El Pinche

But can you blame the ladies for their sexual frustration? .They just want to let loose. Their husbands are most likely repubican conservative christians who like to spend their extra time blogging on breibart sites and cornholing male escorts.

PublicLuxury

Kristin KANE. It is from the Bible. No doubt about it. The story of Caine and Able right there in Texas…

For on the night Jesus was to get laid he took the bread and he brake it, giving it to his strippers and saying "take this all of you, this is my body which is given for you. Do this in rememberance of me."

Poledancing: If you wouldn't do it for Jesus, who would you do it for?

littlebigdaddy

Yeah, but if you knew ANYTHING about the early church, i.e., had read Teh DaVinci Code, you'd know that the early Xtians were all Gnostic-like. And Mary M. was hawt.

johnnymeatworth

If only Elizabeth Taylor had lived to pole dance for Jesus….

Ducksworthy

And remind me again. The pole represents what, Shiva?

BlueStateLibel

I like the way these women are always named "Crystal"–it's a great way to date yourself as born in the early '80s when your single mom was a big fan of "Dynasty."

LeAlbatross

Or, that was what she was taking when she and daddy created you…

mumbly_ジョジョ

It’s too bad you live in a country where being born poor nearly guarantees you’ll be a single mom and a high school dropout and that you’ll be forced into stripping at some grim honkytonk on the edge of town because it’s the only thing that pays better than WalMart.

I thought Jesus was a Stoic. Then again, that is projecting, which is the main job of theology … as poor ol' Jeebus never wrote a word, and was probably illiterate.

But the Pauline epistles — the oldest surviving canonical texts of the NT — do seem gnostic in origin (Marcion, etc.). That is what I meant. But this is a post about Texas christian-hookers doing the pole for the lord, so I don't expect anyone to pay attention to my words, which are written only to amuse myself during the dull slog of "generating content" for a blog.

prommie

Paul's letters are a textbook on how to bamboozle rich, bored housewives, written by a cranky, closeted homersexual with a glaring inferiority complex and concommitent need to overcompensate. But I really don't know anything except what I learned from John Dominic Crossan's books, so I overcompensate, too. Noone is more sure than someone who only knows half the story. Or, to put it another way, a man with one watch knows what time it is, a man with two is never sure.

I thought Jebus was a Steptic, ya know that thingie that stops the bleeding when you cut yourself shaving.

prommie

Styptic, sir. Not to be cryptic.

BloviateMe

Seems much more innocuous than Catholicism's PEDARESTY FOR THE POPE program, all things considered.

Extemporanus

[Headline-related] TRUE FACT:

The sole strip joint in the city of Madison is named "Visions". Ironically, the dancers are not unionized.

Not sure what the place is like now, but back when a good friend of mine worked there (and I, um, picked her up all the time after work), you'd usually find moonlighting middle school teachers working the floor, and their ex-students working the "hospitality rooms" upstairs. Cocaine was accepted (expected?) as legal tender, as were rides back downtown from bumfuck outer East Wash.

Guppy06

"Upbeat contemporary Christian music?" None of those three adjectives have ever been used to describe good music, but all together?

Apparently, newscasters have to have shiny outfits out there

BornInATrailer

For the first time ever, being an atheist has given me a sad.

sportshort

See? Even Jeebus knows sex sells.

DashboardBuddha

I had the sound off 'cuz I'm at work…but I like the work that Tiffany "Toll" Booth does.

DashboardBuddha

All kidding aside…but what the hell happened to Zumba? What's wrong with just dancing?

MiniMencken

He is risen. And He has $500.00 in twenties that He is going to use to make it rain. Ask Him if He's a cop.

horsedreamer_1

That's only 25 bills.

At least have him raining fives.

MiniMencken

Jesus works miracles. Done. It's now $500.00 in fivers.

MiniMencken

I believe the Fox reporter didn't get all of the details. The ladies are dancing for Jesús Beltrán Uriarte, whose cartel owns the strip center they're in.

Zombie_Reagan

You know that tired line from every stripper: "I'm just working my way through Divinity School."

Damn, the downfister is out in force today, isn't he? Must be rough, not having a life . . .

DashboardBuddha

It must be because things are so slow at work. But, does anyone else wonder what it smells like there?

ttommyunger

Wonketeers who expressed some surprise at this revelation (pun intended) show a paucity of information about evangelical christians. As a Baptist PK (preacher's kid) I can tell you there is plenty of friggin in the riggin goin' on among churchfolk. Baptists are in the top ten; your more pentecostal gatherings have more hugging and groping going on during a service than a gaggle of blind faggots at a wienie roast. My mother used to fix me up every time I came home on leave, usually with one of the church girls. Got laid every fucking time, first date. My son called me during his first tour at Ft. Knox whining he couldn't get laid. I told him to start going to church….no more complaints. All true.

pinkocommi

I can never hear the phrase "pole-dancing for Jesus" enough. It just never gets old. Unlike strippers.

a_pink_poodle

Blowjobs for Jesus!

XOhioan

This is a battle between Good and Evil. I'm upfisting everyone to the Pearly Gates.
Insert joke about Pearly Necklace Gates.
Insert joke about "insert"

Negropolis

It seems you can do anything "for Jesus", these days. Are any of these women interested in "Fellatio for Jesus"?

Negropolis

Are you an ex-stripper trying to get it together by kicking the meth and oxycontin? Tired of your boyfriend you met at the strip club, that cop, always beating the shit out of you? Can’t afford enough tattoos to cover your bruises and track marks? Welcome to Texas!