Trish, There's a distinction that has to be made when referring to "hurt". (The nurse in me, "Pain Scale", etc.etc.etc.) If you, say, go into the hospital to have a baby and you end up with a c/section. It's going to hurt. They will give you medication, but, even so, the experience will not be "pain-free." Therapy, same thing. There are things that will come up that are going to be uncomfortable, and even hurt. Healing, MOST of the time, involves a certain amount of pain. Avoiding it, in my experience, is the wrong decision for the individual AND the couple.Just my opinion.Liv

What you say is true, Live. However, if a woman goes into the hospital to have a c-section, no one is going to punch her in the belly before she goes in to have the procedure (hopefully). There is going to be pain, but punching her in the stomach is the wrong kind of pain and can hopefully be avoided.

Dealing with abuse is similar in this regard as well. Yes, there will be pain. Yes, there is supposed to be pain. However, taking a survivor's disclosure from him before he or she is ready is the wrong kind of pain, and it can have the most aweful consequences imaginable.

There are a couple of people I work with, one being my sister's best friends, with whom I would have been absolutely mortified had they found out what I was going through early on in my recovery. The result for me would have likely been suicide. Hell, had I found out about my father's disclosure of my disclosure a couple of months before I had, it would have ended badly.

I will concede that a partner of a survivor needs someone to talk to who can lend some sanity to the situation. However, I must stress that this is something that should be talked about in depth, partner-to-partner. Survivors are hyper-sensitive to trust, and this type of disclosure without proper communication has the potential to completely destroy a relationship (or worse).

Bryan

_________________________Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs nowIs some new words of wisdomLike la la la la la la la la la.-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Liv, I 100% agree that there are distinctions between hurt. It was a generic word I used for lack of a better one. I was only talking about telling someone else, someone who is not as "in the know" about csa, about our survivor's past when he is simply not ready to deal with it.

Trish, I can understand that. It's a very foriegn concept to me, because having been with him for so many years prior to the disclosure, ALL our friends were mutual. I told no one. I have a small family and one that I've never been emotionally close to. So family was out too. Before this site, there were a few therapists, but no one else. Because of our situation, and what effects plagued him, I was always the one left to "make excuses" and "doing the explaining" when he weirded out, or booked without saying anything. He and I argued over this many times, because I felt it put me in an uncomfortable situation with friends. He didn't care. Maybe I'm wrong, but there have been many a time I've faked a headache and said my goodbye's when I couldn't deal for whatever reason. I expected the same from him. Pressure, I know, but as an adult, make your own excuses. My second son is named after him, his mother asked him if he was the father. His mother also demanded to know if I did "something" to make him "gay". His brother wanted to know how much sex we were having because he didn't want him to "miss out" (whatever THAT means!) Yeah, I'm great at being "vague", otherwise, I don't think we would have lasted as long as we did. Having his name tattooed across my back hasn't hurt his facade any either. He's got a few different personas going, I know "ground zero". This was, our demise. It came to a point where the ONLY time he ever came around was with an issue, a negative, something he expected me to have an answer for. And all I ever did, was "refer". I referred him to qualified people who weren't close to him, and could help him. NOT what he wanted. The choices I've made over the years were my own, but not the best. Because of his situation, I alienated myself from alot of people. It made him more comfortable. It made me more lonely. He hasn't been "there" for me, in a really long time. I think I've earned the right to expect more than an occasional text message every few months. If that makes me seem selfish to some, then, okay. I'm entitled to want things too.Always,Livhttp://youtube.com/watch?v=eartomK47xw

With all due respect, Liv, your relationship sounds like a classic case of co-dependency. It also sounds like his family is quite unhealthy. Those questions that were asked by his mother and his brother were entirely inappropriate. At some point, you have to draw a boundary and say, "look...this topic is not up for discussion."

Another thing I'd like to mention, and I certainly mean no disrespect by saying this, but it sounds like your husband hasn't really plunged into the whole recovery business with both feet. It sounds like he's still a victim, and it also sounds like he's not getting the help he needs. It hurts, I know, but at some point, I believe a partner has to draw an ultimatum and say, "I can't cover up for you anymore, so I'm leaving until you get help."

Just my two cents.

Bryan

_________________________Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs nowIs some new words of wisdomLike la la la la la la la la la.-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Bryan, Thanks, but he's not my husband. We grew up together, parted ways, I married someone else and terminated the marraige after 7 years. My SO and I "re-connected" at our high school reunion. The disclosure started that night actually, and continued over the following month. His mother, I'd rather not talk about, his brother, I believe was abused as well by the 1st of my SO's abusers. That whole family is a mess. Mine is too, for different reasons, but those I have always kept "public". I think my SO and I argued as much as we did because I hid nothing about myself from anyone. He HATED that. I've lived my own life from a position that NO ONE could EVER hold ANYTHING over my head about myself. His stuff, yes, I kept the secret. It wasn't mine to tell, it was told to me in confidence and had nothing to do with who I am. But I did resent him for it. I resented being the only one who knew. Wrong? Maybe. But I knew from the start that I couldn't help him. Don't worry, I've given nothing up to his mother or brother. My SO IS still a victim, he knows who and where the help is, but he won't say when.

Thanks for your "two cents", I know I probably sound like a bitch these days but everyone has their limit. I have a really long fuse, too.Always,Liv

dear Liv, you have more than earned your right to a life, and to have alot of happiness in it. I am behind you 100%. Also by being the only person all these years to know,and his unwillingness to get any help, really put you in a precarious position. By him dumping all this on you, it made you a victim.You have spent 29 yrs carrying and shouldering all of his pain and confusion.

NOW YOU BOTH WERE CARRYING AROUND THIS PAIN. This must have been awful for you. You spent years covering and making excuses for him. You were living pretty much the same life as him, except you weren't the one abused, he was.

like you I am a very open person. To not have someone to confide in all these years must have been so hard for you. Plus when you start making up excuses and lying, you have to devote alot of time remembering who you told what to. I definitely would have wound up with an ulcer.

Liv, I want only good things for you, you deserve it.i know that love is a very complicated thing, and feelings cannot just be shut off, but I hope with time, you wil open yourself up to the possibility that someone is out there waiting to love you, COMPLETELY,the way you deserve to be.

I certainly don't think you sound like a bitch. In fact, I think your husband asks too much of you. I have a tremendous amount of respect for you because you have respected his confidence.

NYDaisy is absolutely right, as well. I made a post elsewhere stating that the day that a person takes action to avoid perpetuating his or her abuse onto others, even if that perpetuation is unintentional, is the day that a person progresses from victim to survivor. Your SO is trying to make you a victim, even though it is probably unintentional. I understand why you are bitter, but it also sounds like you are making a conscious attempt to keep from perpetuating that bitterness.

But if you are still in this relationship, it sounds dangerously codependent. I urge you to seek a therapist of your own if you haven't already. Perhaps there are some things you can learn to help ease this burden.

I wish you the best of luck.

Bryan

_________________________Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs nowIs some new words of wisdomLike la la la la la la la la la.-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

I
agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and
chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole
discretion of MaleSurvivor. I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor
resources are AT-WILL,
and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for
any reason by MaleSurvivor.