Will gay marriage destroy America as we know it?

With Michael Snell and Steven Bridges becoming the first same-sex couple to marry in Maine this past Friday night, it has become only more apparent that the nation’s traditional values are destined for extinction.

Indeed, across the nation, traditional families have been devastated by Obama-loving, amoral leftists imposing their anti-Judeo-Christian values via the ballot box. The damage has been clearly evidenced by the recent events of the past few weeks. Let’s walk through them.

And if that pregnancy math doesn’t make sense to you, in a family values kind of way, you’re obviously a liberal.

Mormon Republican family values Senator Mike Crapo Gets a DUI

Mike Crapo, a Mormon legislator from Idaho was arrested this month for drunk driving after downing vodka shots, clearly a ploy concocted by gay activists due to Crapo’s anti-gay views, including his opposition to the repeal of the now-dead “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, and his stance in favor of a constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriage across the land. A self-described social conservative and family values candidate, Crapo obviously mistook the vodka for the blood of Christ, shortly after mistaking himself for a Catholic.

Newt Gingrich Loves Big Gay Brother

Crapo isn’t the only brave conservative to be targeted by gay activists. Former Speaker of the House and failed 2012 presidential nominee Newt Gingrich has now shockingly suggested to the Huffington Post that gay marriage is, in his own words, “inevitable.” This is a drastic change from Gingrich’s long history as a moral authority, most clearly evident by his decision to marry his most recent mistress Callista in 2000.

“The momentum is clearly now in the direction in finding some way to accommodate and deal with reality,” the brainwashing victim added to the Huffington Post. “And the reality is going to be that in a number of American states — and it will be more after 2014 — gay relationships will be legal, period.”

Gingrich’s first, second, and third wives could not be reached for comment.

Assorted Violence

Finally, gays have been responsible for forcing Americans to commit random acts of violence across the nation. Republican House candidate Gary Smith was recently arrested for slashing the tires of multiple New Mexico residents, including his campaign manager (who claims to have lost almost 40 tires), the campaign manager’s spouse, a GOP party chair, and the primary opponent who defeated him. The Santa Fe Reporter added that Smith was caught on camera in at least one incident, and will be charged with a fourth degree felony. As of date, Smith has invoked his right to remain silent and has made no statement to police.

“I had a hunch it was him,” his GOP primary opponent told the paper. “People tried to tell me it was the work of Democrats, but I knew that wasn’t the case. This isn’t the normal kind of political retribution you might expect. This is scary. We need to get him off the street and get him some help.”

America will face even more challenging days ahead, as Illinois is all but guaranteed to usher in same-sex marriage in January. But who will step in to defend the heterosexually-superior marriage of Michele and Marcus Bachmann? Of Rick and Karen Santorum? Of the very heterosexual, gay-sex-obsessed Peter LaBarbera? What if Lindsey Graham decides to marry some day? Who will defend him from the gay?

Gabe Ortíz
Gabe Ortíz is a San Francisco-based writer. He has contributed to the Mission's bilingual newspaper "El Tecolote," and the political blogs AMERICAblog, AMERICAblog Gay, and Veracity Stew. He's also a Stevie Nicks lover and shameless catlady. Follow him on Twitter: @Tusk81.