Monday, February 1, 2010

The lies we tell ourselves may be true

My old local RWA still has me on their e-mail list.

I left the Tucson at the end of September and before that I don't think I'd been to a meeting since March--suffice to say I'm not very involved in the chapter. But I am on their e-mail list, and I do get a lot of messages from them that I'm sure they don't even know they're sending me.

One of the things they've been going on about lately is the "false stories" we tell ourselves that get in the way of moving forward with our writing careers. I wasn't at the meeting where this was brought up (apparently to profound effect) so I have no clue about all the details. But I garner from the resulting online discussion that the group was challenged to think about all the things that keep them from writing / revising / submitting etc. and acknowledge in their heart of hearts how many of these things are real barriers and how many are mere excuses.

I did a 100 / 100 challenge last year at this time. I heard every excuse in the book from the participants. Do you know how little time it takes to write 100 words? Do you know how much energy it takes to actually talk yourself into giving over that time to writing instead of the forty-eight other things you could be doing? It doesn't compare. Still - I didn't make my 100 words per day on a regular basis. I gave in to the excuses, and I knew I was doing so as I did it. It was a lie I told myself, and I was prepared to believe so long as it got me out of doing that minuscule amount of work.

And now I'm thinking about these false stories that my old RWA is chattering about. I have read and heard almost every story of writing and publishing adversity out there. Most compelling to me is Sherrilyn Kenyon's. That woman persevered. Look it up yourself. I don't want to check facts on her story, because so long as I believe she walked uphill in the snow both to and from school for the sake of her art--and then succeeded--it's good enough for me. "Never let the truth get in the way of a good story."

I read a lot *points to the right side of the page* and some of what I get my hands on is DAMNED good. Some of it, of course, is damn rot too. Then there's everything in between. I know my writing is good. How do I know? The same way I know that I dance and sing well. People tell me. No one who's willing to pay me for it, mind you, but no one who was otherwise required to render an opinion either. I also know my writing is not as good as those "damned good" works I come across on a semi-weekly basis.

It is not, however, as bad as some of the damn rot that has been bound and published for my pleasure. I have a relatively healthy ego. Shocking, I know, but there nonetheless. I have long been detached enough from my writing to stand criticism. But that was before the prospect of publication. Now, I want my work to be good. Really, really good. Because, like the Internet, once in print, it's gonna be there forever.

So I don't write. I don't work on my work. I fear editing and revisions because, what if I never reach the pinnacle of "damned good"? What if I am destined to sit in fair-to-middlin land forever? What if my imagination isn't big enough? My plots not tight enough? My characters so shallow I can't even wet my toes in them? Aaaarrrrrrrggghhh!!!!!

This isn't one of the false stories. It's true. I'm not good enough to be great.

Yet.

Every book I pick up is a double-edged sword. (Triple-edged? Quadruple?) The first slice is an opportunity for me to learn. Learn what I like, what I don't, what works, what I believe, what comes off as insincere... The other side of the blade I take as a chance to castigate myself. The doubts creep in like mealworms, trying to ruin me ... I tell myself, "I like what she did there. I would never have thought of that." "Man that's a great idea. My brain doesn't work that way, I'd have fucked it up if I tried it." "Check out that plot twist. I'd have totally gone the other way."

The third edge of that sword reminds me that it's time to put the book down and pick the pen up, and then that fourth cut to the gut is all about "Yeah, but this author is better / luckier / smarter / more ambitious / etc than I am."

2 comments:

The fear and anxiety of just being an OK writer is particularly harrowing because of the gazillion reader blogs out there--where books are either praised to the heavens or cast into the pit on a daily basis--and because of the romance novels whose greatness never diminishes over the years for readers (and I want to write romances like that!).

I also feel a bit claustrophobic when I think about writing because everything is so immediate: blogs, twitter, facebook, etc. You can't get away from new sales, excellent reviews, promo, the market, etc. It's all at your fingertips and it makes it easier for me to beat myself up over my own writing when I see what everyone else is writing in real time. :/

I've "unplugged" from the internet a few times, but I realized that the change in outlook won't come from cutting myself off, or trying to ignore what others' are doing--it has to come from me, from within.

Books Read in 2011

January - April

1. Powerful Italian, Penniless Housekeeper by India Grey2. Servant: the Acceptance by L.L. Foster3. Scandal: His Majesty's Love Child by Annie West4. Truly, Madly, Viking by Sandra Hill5. All Over You by Sarah Mayberry6. Having The Doctor's Baby by Theresa Southwick7. Private Demon by Lynn Viehl8. Hot For Him by Sarah Mayberry9. Lion's Heat by Lora Leigh10. Stranger by Megan Hart11. No Mercy by Sherillyn Kenyon12. Saturday Mornings by Peggy Webb13. Dark Needs by Lynn Viehl14. Jacob by Jacquelyn Frank15. Beguiled by Lori Foster16. With a Stetson and a Smile by Vicki Lewis Thompson17. Shakespeare's Landlord by Charlaine Harris18. Branded By Fire by Nalini Singh19. Blaze of Memory by Nalini Singh20. Not in My Bed! by Kate Hoffman21. Shakespeare's Champion by Charlaine Harris22. Night Lost by Lynn Viehl23. I is For Innocent by Sue Grafton24. WIFE is a Four Letter Word by Stephanie Bond25. Silver Borne by Patricia Briggs26. Home is for the Holidays by Sarah Mayberry27. Purity In Death by J.D. Robb28. Shakespeare's Christmas by Charlaine Harris29. Leave It To Cleavage by Wendy Wax30. Beyond Forever by Debra Dier31. Strange Bedpersons by Jennifer Crusie32. Servant: The Kindred by L.L. Foster33. Desire Unchained by Larissa Ione34. Breakfast in Bed by Robin Kaye35. J is for Judgment by Sue Grafton36. Evermore by Lynn Viehl37. Twilight Fall by Lynn Viehl38. Stay the Night by Lynn Viehl39. Lover Mine by J.R. Ward

48. Wild Fire by Christine Feehan49. Heartquake by Diane Pershing50. Beyond the Night by Susan Squires51. Shakespeare's Counselor by Charlaine Harris52. With Extreme Pleasure by Alison Kent53. Game For Anything by Bella Andre54. The Doctor's Forever Family by Marie Ferrarella55. The Comeback Cowboy by Cathy McDavid56. Smokin' Seventeen by Janet Evanovich57. Passion Unleashed by Larissa Ione58. Angel's Blood by Nalini Singh59. Wicked Deeds on a Winter's Night by Kresley Cole60. Mountain Wild by Stacy Kane61. A Randall Hero by Judy Christenberry62. Shut Up & Kiss Me by Christie Craig63. Life of Pi by Yann Martel64. Mr Unforgettable by Karina Bliss65. Pillars of The Earth by Ken Follett66. Taken by Midnight by Lara Adrian67. Archangel's Kiss by Nalini Singh68. K is for Killer by Sue Grafton

75. Understood by Maya Banks76. Crazy Emma by Brandie Buckwine77. Cry Wolf by Patricia Briggs78. Maid for the Billionaire by Ruth Cardello79. Night of the Living Deed by EJ Copperman80. Down In Texas by Delilah Devlin81. Baby Bonanza by Maureen Child82. Too Much Temptation by Lori Foster83. Yours for the Taking by Robin Kaye84. Lover Unleashed by J. R. Ward85. Raine by Elizabeth Amber86. When You Dare by Lori Foster

Books Read in 2010

January

1. Wild Card by Lora Leigh2. Wolf Tales VI by Kate Douglas3. From Dead To Worse by Charlaine Harris4. Her Colorado Man by Cheryl St John5. Some Like It Hot-Buttered by Jeff Cohen6. Sins Of The Night by Sherrilyn Kenyon7. Blood Bound by Patricia Briggs8. Now & Then by Jacqueline Sheehan9. Loyalty In Death by J. D. Robb10. Undead and Unworthy by MaryJanice Davidson11. Sweet Discipline by Bonnie Hamre12. Break by Hannah Moskowitz13. Unleash the Night by Sherrilyn Kenyon

February

14. The Mistake She Made by Linda Style15. With Extreme Pleasure by Alison Kent16. Wolf Tales VII by Kate Douglas17. Dark Side of the Moon by Sherrilyn Kenyon18. Divorced, Desperate & Dating by Christie Craig19. The Dream-Hunter by Sherrilyn Kenyon20. Caitlyn's Prize by Linda Warren21. Healing Luke by Beth Cornelison22. The Groom Wore Tulle by Lynn Kurland23. Conyn's Bride by Ingrid Weaver24. The Screwed Up Life of Charlie The Second by Drew Ferguson25. Baby In Her Arms by Stella Mclean26. Perfect Chemistry by Simone Elkeles27. Witness in Death by JD Robb

March

27. Simon Says Mommy by Kay Stockham28. Devil May Cry by Sherrliyn Kenyon29. He Calls Her Doc by Mary Brady30. Her Best Bet by Pamela Ford31. Jude's Law by Lori Foster

April

32. G is For Gumshoe by Sue Grafton33. Six by Opal Carew34. Milk Bitch Trilogy by Frances Gaines Bennett35. Judgment in Death by JD Robb36. Dead and Gone by Charlaine Harris37. It Happened One Knife by Jeffrey Cohen

May

38. Iron-Kissed by Patricia Briggs39. She's Got It Bad by Sarah Mayberry40. The Desert King's Housekeeper Bride by Carol Marinelli41. Upon The Midnight Clear by Sherilynn Kenyon42. Only Pleasure by Lora Leigh43. Betrayal In Death by JD Robb

50. Divorced, Desperate and Deceived by Christie Craig51. Dead In the Family by Charlaine Harris52. Seduction in Death by JD Robb53. Love at First Flight by Marie Force54. Bone-Crossed by Patricia Briggs55. Playboy Boss, Live-In Mistress by Kelly Hunter56. Undead and Unwelcome by MaryJanice Davidson57. Flat-Out Sexy by Erin McCarthy

August- December

58. Lover Mine by J.D. Ward59. The Greek's Pregnant Love by Lucy Monroe60. A Piece of Heaven by Barbara Samuel61. Hard and Fast by Erin McCarthy62. Lightning that Lingers by Laura London63. Dream Chaser by Sherrilyn Kenyon64. Sizzling Sixteen by Janet Evanovich65. Wolf Tales VIII by Kate Douglas66. Ashes of Midnight by Lara Adrian67. Magnate's Mistress ... Accidentally Pregnant by Kimberly Lang68. Hot Finish by Erin McCarthy69. Reunion in Death by J.D. Robb70. Greek Tycoon, Waitress Wife by Julia James71. Dark Needs at Night's Edge by Kresley Cole72. Crazy For You by Jennifer Crusie73. Blade's Lady by Fiona Brand74. The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Society by Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows75. Marchese's Forgotten Bride by Michelle Reid76. Powerful Italian, Penniless Housekeeper by India Grey77. Servant: The Acceptance by L.L. Foster78. Scandal: His Majesty's Love Child by Annie West79. Maybe This Time by Jennifer Crusie80. Emily and the Notorious Prince by India Grey81. Naughty Nights at the Millionaire's Mansion by Robyn Grady82. Romeo, Romeo by Robin Kaye83. Demonfire by Kate Douglas84. Coulter's Woman by Maya Banks85. The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger86. Shades of Midnight by Lara Adrian87. If Angels Burn by Lynn Veihl88. Heart of the Wolf by Terry Spears89. Crave by J.R. Ward90. What the Librarian Did by Karina Bliss91. H is For Homicide by Sue Grafton92. Their One and Only by Trista Ann Michaels93. Take On Me by Sarah Mayberry94. The Undomestic Goddess by Sophie Kinsella

12. Dirty by Megan Hart
13. Playing Easy To Get by Sherrilyn Kenyon et al
14. Tell Me Lies by Jennifer Crusie
15. Menage by Emma Holly
16. Tale of Two Vikings by Sandra Hill
17. Dreams From My Father by Barak Obama
18. Tanner's Scheme by Lora Leigh
19. The Bride With No Name by Marie Ferrarella
20. Looking For Alaska by John Greene
21. Rapture In Death by J.D. Robb

76. C is For Corpse by Sue Grafton
77. Talk Me Down by Victoria Dahl
78. The Watson Brothers by Lori Foster
79. Wild Rain by Christine Feehan
80. Club Dead by Charlaine Harris
81. Rescued By the Sheik by Barbara McMahon
82. Fire & Ice by Anne Stuart
83. Gone With the Nerd by Vicki Lewis Thompson
84. Nauti Dreams by Lora Leigh
85. A Hunger Like No Other by Kresley Cole
86. Family Blessings by LaVyrle Spencer
87. Gotcha! by Christie Craig
88. Deeper by Megan Hart
89. Dead To The World by Charlaine Harris

July

90. A Weaver Wedding by Allison Leigh
91. The Family He Wanted by Karen Sandler
92. A Night At The Operation by Jeffrey Cohen
93. Naughty Little Secret by Shelley Bradley
94. Burning Wild by Christine Feehan
95. Undead and Unreturnable by MaryJanice Davidson
96. Vengeance In Death by J.D. Robb
97. This Pen For Hire by Laura Levine
98. The Bachelor's Stand-In Wife by Susan Crosby
99. Agnes and The Hitman by Jennifer Crusie & Bob Mayer
100. Smooth Talkin' Stranger by Lisa Kleypas

YAY! I've read one hundred books this year!

August

101. Tempting The Beast by Lora Leigh
102. D is for Deadbeat by Sue Grafton
103. Legend by Jude Devereaux
104. Dad in Disguise by Kate Little
105. No Rest For The Wicked by Kresley Cole
106. Mother In The Making by Lilian Darcy
107. Practice Makes Perfect by Julie James
108. The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman
109. Dead As A Doornail by Charlaine Harris
110. Finger Lickin' Fifteen by Janet Evanovich
111. Bet Me by Jennifer Crusie
112. Nice Girls Don't have Fangs by Molly Harper
113. A Not-So-Perfect-Past by Beth Andrews
114. Wolf Tales V by Kate Douglas
115. To Have And To Hold by Patricia Gaffney

That's it. 174 books read in 2009. Some were fantastic, some were average. A few were so bad they didn't even make the list because I couldn't finish them. I doubt I'll read as many in 2010. I plan on not having as much free time :-)