Choose Your Own Adventure: Trial of the Tired

You arrive to find the ladies prepped and ready to watch the hit 90's rom-com "When Sleepless Met Seattle." You slide in between them and enjoy the film. It's one of your all time favorites, and it always manages to bring a joyful tear to your tender eyes.

Afterwards you and all the ladies have crazy wild animal sex for like an hour and half.

CONGRATULATIONS! YOUHAVESUCCESSFULLYSTAYEDAWAKE

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Choose Your Own Adventure: Trial of the Tired

By Caldwell Tanner

Choose Your Own Adventure: Trial of the Tired!
Page 1
Image: Tired Ted, our frazzled hero, stares at his phone. He looks confused.
It is thursday evening. You have just completed an arduous, two-and-a-half-blue-book-long exam for which you stayed up all night studying. Your breath reeks of stale coffee, your eyes are weighted by dark desolate rings, and your hair is a fucking mess.
But despite your exhaustion, you find you are still eager to celebrate the end of finals. Your phone buzzes and you find that you have two separate texts inviting you to partake in the choicest of hangs. Which will you choose?
- Movie Night with the Ladies. (p. 6)
- VideoGame tourney with the Boy(z). (p. 2)
- Forget friends, find food! (p. 8)
Page 2
Image: Ted faces off in a videogame challenge against, PWNL0RD6969 a chill shade-wearing bro. Ted's friends look on in amazement.
You arrive at game night, only to find it's been hijacked by the infamous gamer champion, PWNL0RD6969! He challenges you to a deathmatch in your favorite game, Sport of Duty IV: Blood Touchdown.
You accept, and the fight begins! After literally minutes of gruelling, battle-sport action, you are left with one, last-ditch chance to win the game. Which strategy do you choose?
- Shoot a bullet-ball at your team's endzone terrorist for a blood touchdown. (p. 3)
- Kick the bullet-ball with your gun-leg and try to destroy the Shield Goal. (p. 5)
- BattleFuse with Private Muscles to form the Perfect Warrior. (p. 4)
- Activate Scrumble Mode (p. 3)
Page 3
Image: Ted looks ashamed, PWNL0RD6969 is celebrating his victory by thrusting himself on Ted.
Your plan fails! At the last moment, PWNL0RD's Doombacker sacks your Quarterblaster into an early grave. As the GAME OVER screen flashes before your eyes, you suddenly realize how hungry you are.
What will you do?
- Ghost over to the kitchen and scare up some eats. (p. 8)
- Challenge PWNL0RD6969 to a rematch (p. 2)
- Head over to LadySquad Headquarters and watch a movie. (p. 6)
Page 4
Image: PWNL0RD looks defeated and bitter, Ted celebrates wildly.
Your plan succeeds! Your Perfect Warrior easily overwhelms PWNL0RD's Doombacker and detonates a sportball at the epicenter of the endzone, causing a massive touchdown reaction and scoring you a gigaton of point-coins.
As a reward for defeating him, PWNL0RD offers you a congratulatory energy drink from his private stash. You chug his vile dudefuel without a moment's hesitation. As you wipe your newly-energized lips, you suddenly realize how hungry you've become.
What will you do?
- Ghost over to the kitchen and scare up some eats. (p. 14)
- Head over to LadySquad Headquarters and watch a movie. (p. 7)
Page 5
Image: Ted and PWNL0RD shake hands
Your plan works! As PWNL0RD's Doombacker breaks through your line, you charge up your gun-leg and launch the bullet-ball directly into the Shield Goal, scoring you just enough point-coins to tie the match!
PWNL0RD is impressed with your skill, and as a show of good faith, decides to tell you a secret which he claims will one day be helpful. He leans in whispers "Punch the Left Buttcheek."
....
What.
...Well I guess you know...that now. So...What do you want to do?
- Get some food, I guess. (p. 8)
- Challenge PWNL0RD6969 to a rematch (p. 2)
- Head over to LadySquad Headquarters and watch a movie. (p. 6)
Page 6
Image: Ted is passed out next to several girls on a couch. They look disappointed.
You arrive to find the ladies 10 minutes into the hit 90's rom-com "9 Ways It's Gotta Give." As you slide into your seat, your body suddenly remembers that you haven't slept in what feels like 10 years, which causes your pupils to have a quick but sincere meet/cute with the inside of your eyelids. Shame, too. I'm pretty sure at least one of those ladies was hoping to make out with you during the movie's airport love confession scene.
YOU ARE ASLEEPED. CARE TO TRY AGAIN? (p 1.)
Page 7
Image: Ted and girls are all watching a movie, they look enraptured.
You arrive to find the ladies prepped and ready to watch the hit 90's rom-com "When Sleepless Met Seattle." You slide in between them and enjoy the film. It's one of your all time favorites, and it always manages to bring a joyful tear to your tender eyes.
Afterwards you and all the ladies have crazy wild animal sex for like an hour and half.
CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE SUCCESSFULLY STAYED AWAKE!
CARE TO PLAY AGAIN? (p 1.)
Page 8
Image: A greasy chill dude holding a slice of pizza holds up his hand, stopping Ted from grabbing a slice of pie.
You arrive in the kitchen to find a delicious pizza pie guarded by none other than PEPPER RON, THE PIZZA KING. He asks you how many slices you'd like.
- 2 Slices, please. (p. 9)
- ALL THE SLICES.
Page 9
Image: Ron looks on as Ted chows down on a slice of pizza.
Ron nods approvingly, and gives you two slices. You wolf them down and feel content as all hell. You rub your stomach gingerly as you contemplate what to do next?
What will you do?
- Head over to LadySquad Headquarters and watch a movie. (p. 6)
- Hit up Bro Mountain for some intense vidjagame action. ( p. 2)
- Fuck it, ask for more 'za. (p. 12)
Page 10
Image: Ted is passed out on the couch, PWNL0RD6969 and your friends look on, disappointed.
As soon as tush hits cush, you pass the FLIP out. The pizza has settled into your stomach, transforming you into a greasy gargoyle, doomed to sleep for an eternity, or at least until someone takes pity and wakes you up.
YOU ARE ASLEEPED. CARE TO TRY AGAIN? (p. 1)
Page 11
Image: Ron rears back his fist, Ted braces for impact.
The Pizza King is furious. His face turns a sauce red as he tells you that if you wish to feast upon his pizzapile, you'll have to defeat him in single combat. He rears back his fist, you've only got one chance to defeat before he kneads you like the doughy dummy you are.
How do you attack?
- Punch his stomach. (p. 12)
- Punch his left butt cheek. (p. 14)
- Punch his right butt cheek. (p. 12)
- Poke his knee. (p. 12)
Page 12
Image: Ted getting punched in the gut by Ron.
Your attack misses! The Pizza King slams into you with all his meaty might, dropping you like a sack of cheesy breadsticks. You instantly pass out. Several people laugh, several more people pull out their phones and instagram your lifeless body.
YOU ARE ASLEEPED. CARE TO TRY AGAIN? (p. 1)
Page 13
Image: Ron rears back his fist, Ted braces for impact.
The Pizza King is furious. His face turns a sauce red as he tells you that if you wish to feast upon his pizzapile, you'll have to defeat him in single combat. He rears back his fist, you've only got one chance to defeat before he kneads you like the doughy dummy you are. Your body tenses, the PWNL0RD's energy drink courses through your veins, and you prepare to strike.
How do you attack?
- Punch his stomach. (p. 12)
- Punch his left butt cheek. (p. 14)
Page 14
Image: Ron is passed out, Ted celebrates.
You pummel Ron's rump, which reopens a traumatic wound from an old sitting accident, and he collapses. You've won! In his back pocket you find a ziploc baggy full of adderall. You pop a few as a symbol of victory and are awash with a sensation of infinite possibility.
Suddenly you receive a text from the ladies, the movie is about to start!
- HEAD ON OVER! (p. 7)
Page 15
Image: A greasy chill dude holding a slice of pizza holds up his hand, stopping Ted from grabbing a slice of pie.
You arrive in the kitchen to find a delicious pizza pie guarded by none other than PEPPER RON, THE PIZZA KING. He asks you how many slices you'd like.
- 2 Slices, please. (p. 16)
- ALL THE SLICES. (p.13)
Page 16
Image: Ron looks on as Ted chows down on a slice of pizza.
Ron nods approvingly, and gives you two slices. You wolf them down and feel content as all hell. You rub your stomach gingerly as you contemplate what to do next?
What will you do?
- Head over to LadySquad Headquarters and watch a movie. (p. 7)
- Fuck it, ask for more 'za. (p. 13)