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STANIEL CAY, BAHAMAS – Guys, if you ask your girl what she covets for Valentine’s Day, don’t be surprised if she gets a faraway look and utters something like: “maybe a tropical getaway with Johnny Depp. . . ”

(And you were hoping for: “a good burger.” Drat.)

But her fantasy isn’t as far-fetched as you think. Star-crossed Romeo’s who stop at nothing to please their Juliets need look no further than Staniel Cay Yacht Club in The Bahamas. It’s tropical. It’s romantic. And Johnny Depp is there . . . sorta.

I visited Staniel Cay last month with a small group of journalists (granted, that part wasn’t romantic) to gauge your potential for points with the lady.

Staniel Cay is located in the Exumas, a posse of about 365 little cays and islands that begin 56 kilometres southeast of Nassau.

If she only calls you captain when you microwave fish sticks, forget the sailboat and fly in from Fort Lauderdale or Nassau. The view — itty bitty islands bathing in dazzling turquoise waters — is one of the loveliest on earth. Second only to her spellbinding eyes, of course (feel free to rip that off).

When she sees that the taxi service at the airstrip consists of a golf cart, she’ll know that this ain’t no typical resort. With just 90 inhabitants, Staniel Cay is a mere crumb in the Caribbean, rejected by tourists who demand daily access to Senor Frog’s.

Most impressive about the Yacht Club, which has been operating since 1956, is that it’s not trying to impress.

There you are in surroundings that scream “billionaire’s playground!” and the accommodations consist of nine simple, colourful cottages. The waterfront units range from just $145 to $245 U.S. per night, which seems reasonable for something this special.

Since there are only three restaurants on Staniel Cay, chances are you’ll be spending a fair amount of time at the Yacht Club’s nautical-themed bar, a laid-back space that serves seafood plucked from right outside your cottage — delicacies like Bahamian cracked conch and local lobster.

You can rent an unsinkable Boston Whaler from the Yacht Club, which is the obvious choice if you want to try the clichéd roll in the sand on a secluded beach.

Otherwise, you can hire Captain Wayde Nixon and his vessel. His muscles are probably bigger than yours. Consider yourself warned.

Nixon knows all the cool spots for snorkeling, picnicking and gawking. He’ll even swing by Johnny Depp’s cay, where you’ll feel like an icky stalker as you eyeball Jack Sparrow’s private beach.

Don’t forget that, as a cool and collected Canadian, you are forbidden from shouting: “ahoy matey, loved you in Cry Baby!” if you actually spot him sunbathing.

Now, between Nixon’s biceps and Depp’s inestimable fortune, you may experience a sudden bout of inadequacy.

That’s when James Bond swoops in (psst: you are James Bond in this scenario, so stop slouching!).

Thunderball Grotto, where some of the 1965 Bond film was shot, is just around the corner. Don your ultrasexy snorkeling mask and escort your babe into a dazzling cave swarming with tropical fish. Overhead, beams of Bahamian sunshine filter through a natural skylight.

You also have the option to go spear fishing, a sport I assumed would consist of standing in ankle-deep water and brandishing a javelin.

Instead, I could only watch in awe as an expert dove down 20 metres and, more or less executing an underwater headstand, poked around in a rock formation, fired his fearsome spear launcher and emerged with a wriggling lobster. Wow.

Swimming with pigs is much more attainable for the half-assed Bond.

During the Gulf War, Nixon put five pigs on a deserted island as an emergency food supply.

“We knew if America went to war, there would be an embargo. Nothing could go and nothing could come in,” he says, adding: “And people like pork.”

Today there are 40 pigs on the island, and they swim out to greet visiting boats in the hopes of stuffing their snouts with scraps.

Nixon encourages tourists to hop in and swim with the swine — although it should be mentioned that a male National Post reporter did so and got kicked in a sensitive area.

If that happens to you, Bond, you’ll have to redeem yourself by swimming with sharks at Compass Cay Marina while your lady looks on, pale-faced and screaming.

Just don’t tell her they’re tame nurse sharks, or let on that their names are Herman, Squirt and Chunky.

Reb Stevenson is a Toronto-based writer. She can be reached through her website at www.rebstevenson.com. Her trip was subsidized by The Bahamas Ministry of Tourism.

JUST THE FACTS

WHERE TO STAY: Staniel Cay Yacht Club has one, two and three bedroom cottages for rent. Nightly rates range from $145 to $335 U.S. For more information, visit www.stanielcay.com or call 954-467-8920.

WHAT TO DO: A snorkelling excursion with Wayde Nixon costs $400 (half day) or $600 (full day) for up to five people. Call 242-355-2049.

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