Beyond the Fiscal Cliff

It’s not only the politicians who dig in their heels, unwilling to compromise.

I think most Americans are sick of politics and politicians. The country’s future is at stake and both sides (this is a nonpartisan piece; in fact it’s not really a political piece at all!) seem more focused on proving a point or adhering to their position than they are to finding a solution. Both sides seem to prefer digging in their heels over compromise. Being right seems more important than working together. In the process, they are driving this nation closer and closer to the Fiscal Cliff. We are teetering on the edge.

The rest of us are watching in horror. It is not democracy’s best moment. “How could they allow this to happen?” “How could they behave like this?” We shake our heads in disgust and dismay.

But perhaps this political stalemate is reflective of a deeper issue. Perhaps, instead of focusing outward on Barak Obama and John Boehner, we should turn the spotlight back on ourselves, on our relationships, and particularly on our marriages.

How many of them are also teetering on the edge because we dig in our heels, unwilling to compromise since “we’re right”?

Being right is a lonely place to be. It’s not worth the price of your friendship, your relationship with your children, your marriage.

It’s not just our politicians that need to learn the art of compromise; we need to study it as well. Many of us recognize the need for compromise in our workplace. We are skilled negotiators when it comes to closing deals and reaching settlements. Why do we park all those skills at the door when we arrive home? Why do we take a rigid stance in situations where the stakes are so much greater?

Our frustration with our politicians should teach us something. They are not a different species. Their behavior is something we are all prone to.

Have you ever gotten into an argument with your husband and refused to budge? Perhaps even stopped speaking to him? Whose needs does that serve? Certainly not yours. (There’s something perverse at play here – we’re mad about not communicating properly with the person we love, so we stop communicating all together?) Your goal is greater closeness and understanding. That certainly can’t be accomplished if you aren’t talking.

The arts of compromise and communication are the keys to a successful marriage and close relationships.

Have you ever gotten frustrated with your wife because she doesn’t agree with all your ideas? Do you go off to your easy chair to sulk? That is also an ineffective strategy.

Assuming the goal is marital harmony, you need to speak to each other. You need to actually listen to each other (let’s hope the politicians are reading this!) You need to let some things go; not everything is worth fighting over, not all issues are that important. You need to compromise – no one gets everything they want. You need to recognize that being right is not an end in and of itself; that the marital unit needs to be greater than its parts. You need to (dare I say it?) put your spouse’s needs first (fill in the “country” here, not the opposing party!).

If we can’t do this, our marriages (and friendships) will God forbid fall apart (I’m worried about our country too). Our marriages can’t wait until we’re on the edge of the cliff, until we’ve said too many harsh words, been “right” too many times, stalked off in stubborn silence until our partner gives in. The arts of compromise and communication are the keys to a successful marriage and close relationships. If our politicians can’t get it right, let’s work on teaching them a thing or two.

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 7

(7)
Tommy,
January 6, 2013 3:44 AM

So true .... A wonderful piece of wisdom!

Thank you Emuna!

(6)
Aliza,
January 3, 2013 12:14 AM

thank you

thanks for a great article, I appreciated the twist from fiscal cliff to marriage, because I an't change politicians but I can improve the way I treat my husband, i can learn to compromise more often.. thank you !

(5)
Katy,
January 2, 2013 1:08 PM

Well spoken...

In the aftermath of a lengthy debate, your words are Wisdom. In a couple of months when another deadline looms, we will have another chance to practice your advice. Maybe practice will make us better. Thank you.

(4)
Anonymous,
January 2, 2013 2:55 AM

Brilliant!

Thank you Emuna!

(3)
Yochanan,
January 1, 2013 6:48 PM

Good points but...

Very good points and I do agree our leaders reflect greater problems jn our nation. But... The fiscal cliff is a result of a previous agreement to raise the debt. Kind of like a husband or wife agreeing to cuts a few things in the future, but getting a bigger credit card, where the interest they pay is .46 cents of every dollar they earn. They own businesses and also agree to raise prices on all their goods. At the cliffs edge, they know this is going to hurt their customers and even worse - they need a bigger credit card and their debt keeps going up. Eventually they will no longer be able to raise their pricess enough to pay for their out of control spending habits. What does one do when their interest is 100% of what they take in? No more food or anything for them. Knowing they are facing this, even if they agree to go on like this, it is to certain doom.

(2)
MJ Heppe,
January 1, 2013 5:58 PM

Compromise comes with vulnerability

I agree with V.O.R. from Chicago about comprise. Yet, in relationships (as well as politics), the parties involved are best served by admitting
his or her vulnerability while entering the process of compromise. The power of vulnerability is astounding, as much as it sounds paradoxical. just like Lao Tzu wrote and taught many centuries ago about leadership, "To win is to lose."
In order to enter a process of compromise, it is perhaps best to relinquish one's own "powers" or "motives", although it's next to impossible sometimes to take off our suits of armor. I have discovered after 33 years of marriage that it always works to put down my shield and admit my vulnerability even before submitting to compromise.

(1)
Anonymous,
January 1, 2013 1:53 AM

Excellent Article

What is, "No big deal" to one is a deal breaker for the other. What is "Humor and creativity" to one, is utter mortification to the other (especially if done publicly). What is, "Constructive criticism" to one, is destructive to the other side's self-worth.
Close friends and spouses who have a history of warm feelings, investment of time and energy into each other, and working towards common goals have to take a step back from the cliff. Allow the benefits of having this "Golden Parachute" of an established relationship open. These feelings will awaken both parties to the importance of understanding where the other side is coming from. This will enable both sides to re-establish mutual respect and understanding of each other’s sensitivities.
V.O.R. Chicago

This year during Chanukah I will be on a wilderness survival trip, and it will be very difficult to properly celebrate the holiday. I certainty won't be able to bring along a Menorah.

So if I am going to celebrate only one day of Chanukah, which is the most significant?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

If a person can only celebrate one day of Chanukah, he should celebrate the first day.

This is similar to a case where a person is in prison, and the authorities agree to permit him to go to synagogue one day. The law is that he should go at the first opportunity, and not wait for a more important day like the High Holidays.

The reason is because one should not allow the opportunity of a mitzvah to pass. Moreover, it is quite conceivable that circumstances will later change and allow for additional observance. Therefore, we do not let the first chance pass. (Sources: Code of Jewish Law OC 90, Mishnah Berurah 28.)

As an important aside, Chanukah candles must be lit in (or at the entrance to) a home rather than out of doors. Thus, you should not light in actual "wilderness," but only after you've pitched your tent for the night.

There may be another reason why the first night is the one to focus on. Chanukah is celebrated for eight days to commemorate the one-day supply of oil that miraculously burned for eight days. But if you think about it, since there was enough oil to burn naturally for one night, nothing miraculous happened on that first night! So why shouldn't Chanukah be just seven days?!

There are many wonderful answers given to this question, highlighting the special aspect of the first day. Here are a few:

1) True, the miracle of the oil did not begin until the second day, and lasted for only seven days. But the Sages designated the first day of Chanukah in commemoration of the miraculous military victory.

2) Having returned to the Temple and found it in shambles, the Jews had no logical reason to think they would find any pure oil. The fact that the Maccabees didn't give up hope, and then actually found any pure oil at all, is in itself a miracle.

3) The Sages chose Chanukah, a festival that revolves around oil's ability to burn, as the time to teach the fundamental truth that even so-called "natural" events take place only because God wants them to.

The Talmudic Sage Rabbi Chanina Ben Dosa expressed this truth in explaining a miracle that occurred in his own home. Once, his daughter realized that she had lit the Shabbos candles with vinegar instead of oil. Rabbi Chanina calmed her, saying, "Why are you concerned! The One Who commanded oil to burn, can also command vinegar to burn!" The Talmud goes on to say that those Shabbos lights burned bright for many hours (Taanit 25a).

To drive this truth home, the Sages decreed that Chanukah be observed for eight days: The last seven to commemorate the miracle of the Menorah, and the first to remind us that even the “normal” burning of oil is only in obedience to God's wish.

In closing, I'm not sure what's stopping you from celebrating more than one day? At a minimum, you can light one candle sometime during the evening, and that fulfills the mitzvah of Chanukah - no “official Menorah” necessary. With so much joy to be had, why limit yourself to one night only?!

In 165 BCE, the Maccabees defeated the Greek army and rededicated the Holy Temple in Jerusalem. Finding only one jar of pure oil, they lit the Menorah, which miraculously burned for eight days. Also on this day -- 1,100 years earlier -- Moses and the Jewish people completed construction of the Tabernacle, the portable sanctuary that accompanied them during 40 years of wandering in the desert. The Tabernacle was not dedicated, however, for another three months; tradition says that the day of Kislev 25 was then "compensated" centuries later -- when the miracle of Chanukah occurred and the Temple was rededicated. Today, Jews around the world light a Chanukah menorah, to commemorate the miracle of the oil, and its message that continues to illuminate our lives today.

A person who utilizes suffering to arouse himself in spiritual matters will find consolation. He will recognize that even though the suffering was difficult for him, it nevertheless helped him for eternity.

When you see yourself growing spiritually through your suffering, you will even be able to feel joy because of that suffering.

They established these eight days of Chanukah to give thanks and praise to Your great Name(Siddur).

Jewish history is replete with miracles that transcend the miracle of the Menorah. Why is the latter so prominently celebrated while the others are relegated to relative obscurity?

Perhaps the reason is that most other miracles were Divinely initiated; i.e. God intervened to suspend the laws of nature in order to save His people from calamity.

The miracle of the Menorah was something different. Having defeated the Seleucid Greek invaders, the triumphant Jews entered the Sanctuary. There they found that they could light the Menorah for only one day, due to a lack of undefiled oil. Further, they had no chance of replenishing the supply for eight days. They did light the Menorah anyway, reasoning that it was best to do what was within their ability to do and to postpone worrying about the next day until such worry was appropriate. This decision elicited a Divine response and the Menorah stayed lit for that day and for seven more.

This miracle was thus initiated by the Jews themselves, and the incident was set down as a teaching for all future generations: concentrate your efforts on what you can do, and do it! Leave the rest to God.

While even our best and most sincere efforts do not necessarily bring about miracles, the teaching is nevertheless valid. Even the likelihood of failure in the future should not discourage us from any constructive action that we can take now.

Today I shall...

focus my attention on what it is that I can do now, and do it to the best of my ability.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...