react:

I was all het up about Cannes juror Nicole Kidman not being at this (or at that may other things), but it turns out she was, and just may not have done the red carpet. I’ve decided this is because she’s been holed up all day in a darkened room watching every Cannes movie and flossing popcorn out of her teeth.

react:

Cannes is long. Doesn’t it feel like it’s been going on forever? And some of these people — Diane Kruger, especially — have been there the whole time. I imagine them arriving all coolly fabulous, swanning into a room at the Majestic Barriere, or wherever, with a swingy travel coat and giant dark shades they rip off as uniformed bellmen scramble to unload all their posh trunks into an appropriate corner of the suite. That may be because I always imagine everyone is posher and more coordinated than I am, as my entrance would look a lot more like Janet The Soap Queen from Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, where she essentially trips into the hotel. Anyway. Let’s look at the latest stuff they unpacked.

react:

Mostly, I think I’d spend the entire night afraid that the wrong twist of the torso would result in my own beheading. Also, I can’t tell where shirt stops and blazer starts, and… why is the belt necessary, exactly? Also, what the hell is going on down south?

react:

The good: Janet’s looking good…you know, as like a human life-form. I am mesmerized by her cleavage. The bad: I don’t know that I need to see the underside of her boob.

The good: I like her shoes. The bad: the sleeves and glove all loaded down on one side of her body make me feel like this look is actually a black satin expression of the angst experienced by the Batman villain Two-Face, AKA one side is beautiful and the other is whacked out. The good: who’s Janet holding hands with? Does she have a new boyfriend? Because good gossip seriously makes everything okay.

react:

I wonder if I’ve ever written about Janet Jackson on this web site without making a “Miss Jackson if you’re nasty” joke. I don’t think I have. I can’t help it. That song is awesome. I love songs with spoken word segments right in the middle of them — “Candy,” by Mandy Moore, and of course, “Oops, I Did It Again,” which boasts possibly the most ridiculous spoken segment EVER — but “no, my first name ain’t ‘Baby.’ It’s Janet. MISS JACKSON, IF YOU’RE NASTY” is probably the one that’s the most fun to yell along with in the car. I mean, come on. That song rules. But what about Miss Jackson’s ensemble?