Its late; 1;00 in the morning! Ive been at this recovery process for a very long long time! Ive been floating in the water; in the ocean and the sea! For years; just floating on a raft of recovery work alone! Displaced; Like a ghost, Im alone! But things are different now! I came to shore a little while back and have been on shore for a while now! The ocean ride is over! Im no longer lost like before!

Im starting or have been working on success based thinking! Laws of attraction! Its been working for me! Im slowly making my way back to civilization!

When I first started recovery, my mind was filled with hate and revenge and pain and torture! All I wanted to do was kill! Now, my mind is filled with shoes; hiking shoes and boots, and SUV's and trucks and houses I want to live in! And mountain bikes and ski trips and telescope adventures! And its filled with practice rooms where I can create music! And girl friends! And I dream and visualize; give me more naked women in my bedroom please!

Im visualizing several women in my room at once! I would like a nice orgy of women! All naked! All swimming around in my bed with me! And it's helping me in the real world! Im much easier to approach!

The point is; Ive connected with self and grown! Im not 4 years old anymore, Im now more like 8 years old! Im starting to think in terms of success and growth!

Im not looking back like before; I don't have to because I don't need the people of the past like before! They will never come back! I am all alone!

I went through severe abuse! I was stolen from; thats what hurts the most! But all things will be forgiven! And I will forget the thieves that did this!

The goal is to get on with my life the way God intended! This happens through forgiveness! I am pardoning those who have persecuted me and letting them go! Of course, I don't want them coming back!

In order to keep others away, I must not like them! The problem is; Ive learned to like the wrong people; people that are not good for me! I have to re learn to not like them! Thats the problem!

Im finding evidence that the people that did not like me from the past could not help it! They were not who I thought they were! They never liked me or had my values in the first place! I was lonely and needed to be around people! Unfortunately, I found myself around the wrong people! I found the people in the family system I came from were bad bad people! Im so sorry! I never knew! But later I would know; from the damage they caused! But the psychopath cannot help but be a psychopath! They can do nothing about it! Ive seen them and been around them! Those with no conscious; what can they do about it; nothing! And they don't know anything is wrong! They don't know their criminal behavior is wrong! They feel nothing!

Can I associate with the above criminals I just mentioned in the previous paragraph; I think not!

I am alone then! And this is a terrible hardship!— One must forgive until all names are gone from my past! As I go deeper, a name will come up of someone that ripped me off! I will get in raged! !— Then I forgive them over n over n over because, I go a little deeper each time, and they disappear from my subconscious a little be at a time when I forgive!

The pay off for forgiveness; Im closer to God! Im right with God because Im forgiving everything from everyone! And Gods light shines on me and he is well pleased with me!

There are many names I must forgive; and I must remember why they knew me! In most cases; I spent time around them; not the other way around! I simply did not know better! I was innocent! And they took advantage of people under the age of 18! The goal is to see my role in it! And to see what kind of scum they were! And realize; I was exposed to scum, so who cares what they think! I had my time waisted by jokers! They were not my friends nor, on my side!

The present; PTSD is a big big issue! Half of what I write about is PTSD! Because Im always reliving it! One goal is to keep writing and gets power down! It takes along long time!

Its sucks! I write and write and write and get help; I finally work through one world, only to realize Ive been on another world the whole time being attacked by PTSD; but that world Im standing on is not this one; its another PTSD world buried deeper then the other! ITs like working through one layer of PTSD, to find myself stuck on another one! And another one! The goal is to work through them until Im back on real stable ground in front of me!

It's a mixture; the present and PTSD! =========================================

One goal; work through the hard bad names of the past and only remember the good stuff from those same event times! That seems to be happening! Processing the bad and ending up with the good!

Its like a soldier who remembers what happened in a battle field! He remembers the bad, works through it! Now all he sees is a field! Its part of his memories and history but the bad is gone !

Another area; I don't remember any school things; because I was not able to get invoked! I was pulled out of it before I could get involved!

When 6 years old; I began to decline! No one was taking care of me; meaning, they did not care ab out me or my schooling! My mother had me, only to please my father! My father did not want me! I was an object! Meaning, they used us for parties or social events or vacations to act out the family thing! But it's not like other families! I was truly a piece of office furniture being used! No one cared ab out me! It was convenience! When sociopaths get tired of you; they leave and they blame you for it! I was being blamed for their adult problems when I was about 6 years old; I was drown in it!

My goal is to get it all out and be able to start over! My goal is to get the bad name out and face the terror of it and the humiliation of it and the bulling of all of it! And what they did or how they treated me and get through it and move on! And trust God and pray!

PTSD plays a big part in everything! and the fact I was not wanted by anyone! I have to trust God and talk to God; Who are the people Im suppose to be around! I must keep working with God and learn to trust God and stop trying to find people; but let God bring the right people to me; this includes a girlfriend!

Ive had a zillion girls like me! Ive had the best looking girls like me in any group! always! Its different now; Im a bit older! but none of this has meant anything! I just wanted one person I could go do things with! The others I would have wanted to ###$! but basically, I just wanted to trust someone that would not turn out to be worthless; someone I could open up to and be friends with! I must keep this alive! this is the scariest thing and the hardest to trust again! ive made a million mistakes trusting the wrong people! who are the right people! where do I find them!

I am afraid and have been afraid to find the right people! Im afraid they will see Im not in their caste system level and reject me because of money issues! Im afraid of being hurt again!

I tried lower caste system girls! that did not work! they had no values! sweet girls, but so ###$ up, they cant have real relationships with anyone real! I tried! I guess I tried! I observed!

So, its up the scale again! I have to trust God! Im afraid! I don't want to be hurt again trusting God! I will have to take my case against God to God! and see what happens!

I do want so badly a girlfriend! A real one! someone that likes me and enjoys my company, but does not want anything from me but to be my friend! and someone thats decent that I can go do things with!