the world as I see it

ladies

I am writing this ‘letter’ to motivate all of you who are broken hearted, especially if you are 25 years old or older. Hopefully this will help you find yourself (a) happy ending(s).

First of all, let me tell you a story about me and my ex (for privacy purpose, let’s refer to him as A). We met when I was 23, very young and pure (I didn’t even drink beer back then), and he was 27. We worked at the same company, so you can say that we had cinlok (‘local’ love) at first. Then I went to Australia for Master’s, and we somehow managed to maintain the long distance relationship until I came back to Jakarta for good.

Long story short, we had always planned for a serious relationship, so it wasn’t very shocking when we finally discussed about marriage. Being a defensive kid to my parents, I still needed (and still do) their blessings for the big step of my life. When I brought up the topic to my mom, she only replied with a question: “Are you sure he’s the one?”, which I could not answer confidently. She’d then suggested me to rethink about it, and after a careful thought, I decided to break up with A. It wasn’t an easy decision; both A and I were badly heartbroken. I never really know what happened with A, but for all I know, he’s happily married now (which was another reason for my second broken heart with him).

It’s just natural that I spent several months despairing about our break up, and another 3 years looking for the best guy. I might be a strong girl that I didn’t think about committing suicide or depending myself on drugs that might kill me as well, but I did drink alcohol (which I never did before!) and thought about smoking (thank God I was surrounded by good friends who prevented me from doing so) during the desperate times. I became a different person to my family and friends, keeping a distance from them. Oh, and I cried a lot too. Time really heals any kind of wounds.

Soon after I made peace with myself (and family and friends), good things keep coming to me: I found myself happiness, made new friends, reached a career goal, achieved self actualization, and went to amazing places that I never thought I would visit. However, I was still single; I was happy being single at first, cleansing myself from all the downsides of being in a relationship until at one point, I felt that I needed a boyfriend, so I started looking. 🙂

The journey of finding the best guy was not an easy one, as I was looking for a life partner, not just a boyfriend for fun. Hence, 3 years were spent. I dated some guys and even tried online dating (which doesn’t work for me!), got my heart broken several times, and was involving myself in a drama (re: dating 2 guys at the same time) before I decided to settle with ‘the one’.

How to decide if someone’s ‘the one’:

Keep in mind that a perfect guy doesn’t exist (he only exists in fairy tales).

Keep yourself open for options before settling down.

Pay attention to yourself: if your heart beats faster every time you’re with the guy, then he’s not the one (and you should probably check yourself to the cardiologist :P). ‘The one’ will make you feel calm, comfortable, and at peace when you’re with him.

Pay attention to the surroundings: when you’re destined to be with someone (‘the one’), your surroundings will change too. This includes your family and friends support you, the universe seems to send you fortune and luck, and you just ‘click’ like you’ve known the person for your whole life, even though you just met him recently.

Ladies, I know that you might be totally heartbroken at the moment, or even decided that you don’t deserve to be happy with a significant other ever. Please feel free to think and feel the way you want to think and feel. When the time comes, all those feelings and thoughts will be over. Fill your days with meaningful things, smile a lot, and accomplish any dreams you have. It is when you’re happiest with yourself that you will find love.

Everything I write here will sound too dreamy for you, but it’s the truth – I went through it all. You have to believe that if I can, then you can too.

My sister, the best friend who knows me the best (and would frequently hate me for being me), has always labelled me as being the stingy big sister. Lately, however, she was quite shocked with my desire to purchase branded, pricey fashion items (she wasn’t so shocked when I decided to buy an iPhone since she knows well enough that I’m a geek). I’m still stingy, but I’m spendy. Lol. Not all items worth the high price, IMO.

Here are the items that I think worth buying at expensive price (and every woman at the age of over 25 should have):

1. Leather wallet that can hold up all your notes, coins, and cards (I know we girls like to keep discount and membership cards other than those credit cards 😉 ).

2. Leather pumps for work which you’re feeling comfortable to walk in. (I’m a girl who believes that it’s not worth to buy those fancy bling-bling pumps which you can only wear to a party or social events.)

Leather pumps for work that are comfortable for everyday wear(image source: coolspotters.com)

3. Branded tote bag that can hold all those things you take here and there without hurting your shoulder.

6. Basic beauty products that don’t cause your face to rash and pimpled: cleanser, toner, moisturizer, and foundation. This one is a bit tricky as every woman has her own suitable product that might not be suitable for others.

7. Gold earrings, necklace with beautiful pendant, bracelet, and ring that you can wear every time, everywhere. My tip for this one is to take some time to browse around the stores to find the one you feel most wearable before deciding to purchase. Oh, and don’t forget to get the certificate so you can re-sell them if you’d like.

Confession: I did something crazy last weekend – I spent the whole Saturday and Sunday going to Bandung with my 2 male best friends. (Don’t get me wrong here, they’re like brothers to me and they take care of me as much as brothers will do to their sister.) During the 2 days, we had 2 other girls joining us and both gasped with surprise when they heard that I studied electrical engineering with the 2 guys.

So how did I survive in a male-dominated field? (This will also answer some girls’ questions on how to survive there.)

Be some kind of a hybrid individual: be nice and polite when you’re with girls and be careless when you’re with guys. This will work perfectly, trust me. I’ve been doing this thing for the last 9 years. One thing to remember about this tip is to balance the two – you have to get close to girls as much as to guys, otherwise the girls will start talking about you behind your back. Nobody wants that. Ewh.

Be blunt when speaking. This is the easiest and the hardest part for me. I’ve always been a blunt one since I was in high school (all-girl high school, remember?) that sometimes I forget that I’m surrounded by normal, soft-hearted girls who can’t take blunt words easily. The thing is, guys don’t understand codes and signs girls normally make, so speaking things directly is always the best choice.

Understand guys’ ways of thinking: the key is to be logical most of the time. I know it’s hard for girls to do, even I fail sometimes (specifically during ‘that’ time of the month, doh), but this is the way to get guys to respect you. The easiest way to learn guys’ ways of thinking is by playing games with them – they will become themselves when playing games.

Be ambitious at work. Not to tackle people on your way to success – that’s not ambitious, that’s mean, but to know what you’re actually doing (this also means: never mix up personal and professional matters), where you’re going, and where you want yourself to be next. Pssst.. they will also be very happy and proud if you ask them for career advice. Don’t be too much in this, though..

Keep yourself up to date with politics and economic news. Because those are the topics they will most likely discuss with you during coffee breaks. They like to keep topics about ladies and sports to themselves, but they will discuss about politics and economic with you. Don’t forget office politics as well. 😉 I know it’s hard for you ladies to keep your mouth from talking about everything you know, but it’s better to be able to control your mouth when speaking about others. Guys like gossip, but not too much.

Be able to make decisions without hurting their ego. I often find girls answering “up to you” when guys ask them about where to go or what to do now. Don’t do that so often. To survive male-dominated world, you should be able to make your own decisions, with note of not hurting their ego. They’re still guys, so say your decision and ask their opinion about it. They like to feel superior and let them be, without making ourselves inferior.

Hope this helps. I will continue the list if I have something more in mind. 🙂

I read this somewhere on twitter earlier last week: You should be proud when someone’s telling you that you’re beautiful, because beautiful comes from both inside and outside, while pretty comes only from the outside.

The quotes (not exactly said like that) somehow inspired me a lot. The more I grow up and meet people from different backgrounds, I see that most girls are not confident with how they look, regardless how pretty they actually are. Maybe that’s just how it works with girls: we’re never satisfied with our looks. Sometimes I even meet girls who are mad when someone tells them that they’re fat.

Here’s a bit of advice I always tell girls: we are all beautiful if and only if we think we are. Beauty comes from the inside, so no matter how fat you are or how ugly your face is, as long as you feel good, do good to others and smile, you are a beauty.

Regarding the physical appearance (and I’m not saying this to the girls only, but especially to guys), please be aware that girls are special because we have different body shapes. As much as I’m aware of, there are 4 big groups of girls’ body shapes: apple, whose torso is bigger than the bottom part of the body (this body type would normally look the biggest among all), pear, whose hip and lower body parts are bigger than the torso (and their thighs would get fat earlier than the other body parts), hourglass, whose hip and shoulders are of the same width (this is the dream body shape of a woman, often being referred to as “Spanish guitar” body), and banana, whose all body parts are of more or less the same size (this sometimes is referred to be “boyish” body shape). Given this fact, a girl cannot compare, for example, her thigh size with another girl, because different body shapes will have different reference. Of course an apple body would have a significantly smaller thigh compared to a pear body.

As for the inner beauty, I would say that sufficient confidence and attitude are the most important factor. Even a pretty-faced would not be pretty if she’s over-confident or under-confident, and/or has a very bad attitude towards others.

Remember, ladies, beauty comes from both inside and outside, and you should not feel ugly just because others tell you that you are. We are all beautiful just the way we are. 🙂