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Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Last week on The Fashion Show, Fashiontestant Calvin Tran introduced “Oh
here go hell come” into the lexicon of reality TV catch phrases. Which ranks
right up there with “She’s pooping fabric!” and “I have a culinary boner”.

On this week’s show, it’s morning in New York City – time for everyone to brush
their teeth and talk smack about Francine (who was sent home last time).
Hathead Mike complains about Cesar’s win – noting that the challenge was to
design something for African Queen Iman, and Cesar used a SNOW LEOPARD print
for his winning garment. Hathead notes that EVERYONE knows there are no snow
leopards in Africa. Maybe so, but there are
definitely douchebags on The Fashion Show – one of whom is wearing a hat. Also,
please remember that this is coming from the guy who wanted to put a noose
around Iman’s neck. Amirite?

A note is slipped under the Fashiontestant’s door of the
NotAtlas Apartments – telling them to hightail it down to the South Street
Seaport. The Seaport is one of those tourist traps that real New Yorkers don’t
go to, hence I’ve never been. However, that would change if they would simply
open an Arby’s there – adding some delicious roast beef “turf” to the Seaport’s
“surf”.

Anywhore, Iman greets the designers at Bodies: The Exhibition
– which consists of a bunch of gruesome bodies which look like they’ve been
skinned alive. Probably by Iman herself. Our African Queen tells the designer
that they must look “within” for inspiration – and will use the inner workings
of the human body as their muse. Here is what I would have done ...

The Fashiontestants wander around amidst the blood and guts,
taking pictures and getting nauseous inspired. Speaking of inspired, “Straight”
David mentions that he is inspired by female genitalia which has “lots of
folds”. Or so he’s been told. Then he adds with a nervous giggle - “I love the
vagina”. Oh honey, saying it doesn’t make it real. I wake up every morning and say “I have a 30-inch waist”, but that doesn’t change
reality.

Everyone returns to the workroom for sketching and “mood
boards”, which sounds like something depressed teens make from magazine
clippings and hang on their bedroom walls. Question: Why don’t they have mood
boards on that OTHER fashion reality show (which shall forever remain
nameless)?

Over at "Team Vanity Syx", Calvin is doing a free-association-gibberish
monologue about nuclear explosions and darkness. Tamara, sensibly, tries to ask
Calvin what in Jeebus’ name explosions have to do with the body? To which
Calvin angrily replies “LISTEN TO THE PICTURE!”, which is like asking someone
to look at a sound, but whatevs. By the time it’s all said and done, "Team
Emerald Psychos" are yelling and screaming at each other until Isaac walks in
with his usual “Hello Darlings!”.

Isaac consults with the House of Nami first – and he likes the “darkness”
of their ideas. Then he consults with the House of Screaming Banshees – and they
got nothin’. They inform Isaac that they can’t come together – so Isaac
suggests electing a Head Designer. Isaac also suggests they stop calling
themselves the House of Emerald Syx, since they are only five people and will
probably be only four after this challenge. Duh.

So the renamed “House of Emerald” decides that Jeffrey will
be their Head Designer – since he is “calm”, comes from a big family and offers
to “massage” his teammates. With full release. Or something.

On the way out the door, Isaac gives the designers a twist –
each look must have a reversible element, which must be revealed on the runway
catwalk.

The designers go to NotMood for fabric shopping, and return
to the workroom at NotParsons. Calvin informs his teammates that he is doing a
jacket which turns into a backpack – to which Head Designer Jeffrey gives the
side-eye. “You can’t chain my mind now – it done”, Calvin burps.

Day #1 ends, and Day #2 begins – and all of a sudden Tamara “feels
a connection” with Calvin. Homegirlsaywhat??? The same Calvin that yelled at
you to LISTEN TO THE PICTURE when you asked him a sensible question??? Maybe
Tamara meant to say she “feels a HATRED FROM DEEP INSIDE HER GUT” instead of “connection”.

Anywhore, CinNessa (I can’t figure out which one is Cindy
and which one is Golnessa – they’re basically the same person anyhow) hates on
Tamara’s simple dress. But Tamara ain’t having it, and her new BFF backs her
up. Calvin ends up yelling at CinNessa, to which she/they remind him who was on
the bottom last week. Head Designer Jeffrey wanders around chanting “Can’t We
All Just Get Along” almost as unconvincingly as David’s chants of “I Love
Vajayjay”. "Team CalJeffCinNessaEtc" has about as much chance of winning as David
does of convincing me he is straight.

This latest eruption of Mt.Calvin
ends with shouts of “Titanic” “Iceberg” “Undawata” and, my personal favorite, “I don’t
wanna be on a team wit losing all da time”. Wellalrightythen.

Over on Team Nami, the end of Day #2 is drawing near, and
Hathead is wandering around and not doing much work. In fact, he hasn’t done
ANY work – and doesn’t have anything to fit on his model until he quickly sews
a mini dress that ends up being too tight. Mike has spent most of his time channeling
Willow Smith - whipping some thread back and forth onto fabric – which he ends
up not using

Eduardo – he of the adorable accent – informs us that in
real life he designs men’s clothing for “DEEK-ease” (Dickies). BTW – I could
listen to Eduardo talk about his “Yob at DEEK-ease” for hours. In fact, they
should do a spin-off: The Fashion Show: Eduardo & His Ultimate DEEK-ease. I
would totally watch that … in private, of course.

Toward the end of the day, the House of Emerald inspects
their garments – which look like a police lineup of homemade red hooker dresses.
The House of Nami also lines up their dresses, which look phenomenal – except for
Hathead’s, who still doesn’t have anything. Mike seems to be quickly descending
into some kind of dementia and he wanders aimlessly around the workroom – conspicuously
NOT sewing. His teammates get nervous because if they don’t have six looks they
will loose – so Cesar basically tells Mike to STFU and sew.

That must have been the straw that broke the douchebag’s
back. Mike sashays over to his fabric – cuts it into pieces and throws it in the trash - then tips on
out the door. This is also known as “Pulling a Seth” in honor (?) of the Top
Chef: Just Desserts psychopath who lost his mind and had to leave mid-episode.

The "House of Cute Papis Plus That White Girl Minus The
MadHatter" realizes they must create a sixth look. So they spring into
action and come up with a last minute creation I like to call “Cesar & His
Amazing Technicolor Remnant Dress” – which actually doesn’t look too bad.

It’s Day #3 – runway CATWALK day. The House of Emerald is
STILL hating on Tamara’s dress, and since her best friend Calvin is agreeing
with them this time, Tamara agrees to add an odd little pleated square to the
front of her dress. This is supposedly going to make it look like the rest of
the collection {{insert sarcastic side-eye HERE}}. There is also a big fight
about wrapping tulle around the model’s heads – which Calvin doesn’t want to
do. Maybe Calvin thought they said “rap tools upside Calvin’s head” (which I’m
sure the others would LOVE to do). As always, everything dissolves into a
shouting match between Calvin and CinNessa, and Calvin vows to cut his finger
off. Or something.

The audience and judges enter the NotParson’s auditorium.
The guest judge this week is Douglas Friedman – fashion photographer and
pornstache wearer.

First up is the House of Emerald and their “Ode to Bloody
Ass”. The only look that gets any audience reaction (besides WTF? stares) is
Calvin’s Jacket/Backpack/Sleeping Bag/Throw Rug.

The House of Nami is next – but before the models walk,
Backstage Stefan has to yell at the designers to “Stop touching your models!”.
Yeah, I guess David is exploring his “heterosexuality” again. Although he might
actually be straight, because they flash back to a scene in the workroom where
David plays the Harmonica. And everyone knows that men who
expertly blow on mouth harps are always straight. Right??

The House of Nami’s models walk down the catwalk – and all
the looks seem great. David calls his Vajayjay dress “fierce”, which is NOT the
best way to convince America
that you are straight. FYI.

After the show, Isaac and Iman come backstage to talk to the
designers. Unsurprisingly, the House of Emerald loses – even though Calvin’s
Backback/Tent/Construction Tarp/Dress “had more tricks than a hooker”. My favorite
DEEK-ease designer, Eduardo, is the overall winner from the House of Nami with this look ...

The "House of Constant Bickering" goes in front of the judges.
Basically it boils down to this: Tamara’s dress was ASS, and Calvin’s
personality is ASS (how’s THAT for a recap?). In a shocking twist, the
teammates end up screaming at each other. I bet you didn’t see that one coming,
did you? But in the end, no one from the "House of STFU Already" goes home,
because MadHatter took care of this week’s elimination by walking out.

Finally, Isaac states that troublemaker Calvin will be moving to the
House of Nami, switching places with someone from that team. Cesar decides that
he will move to the House of Emerald. This is probably a really smart move,
because it makes Cesar seem like he stepped up to the plate, when in reality he
probably just didn’t want to deal with Calvin’s drama.

In closing, Cesar remarks that he hopes Calvin is able to
work with his old teammates. And, if not, Calvin is “just another dramatic
Asian queen” – which doesn’t make much sense, but provides me with a fabulous title
for this recap.

So, what did YOU think of last night’s episode. Please share
your thoughts in the Comments section.

8 comments:

LOLOLOLOL!! If Daughter and I drank we would have been smashed by pointing out the BUT I'M STRAIGHT lines of David. I wondered how they would handle the slow dismantling of Team Dysfunction. Loverly evil of them to take Calvin - You! Go! There! - and put him on Team Caesar. And Caesar - quick thinking, we kindof loves him here.

I loved your Vanity 6 reference! Too bad you can't use it anymore. Although, when you first mentioned 80s Prince groups, my memory was of Apollonia 6. I guess Vanity was a little before my time. (cough)

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