Sunday, 28 August 2011

She grew up here until she was 9 or 10 and then her parents moved back to the South of France where her mum is from. Her dad, my uncle, is quite a difficult man and had my cousin quite late in life. Over the first few years, the parental relationship broke down and then began the tug of war with my poor cousin in the middle. The result of which is an emotionally upset young woman with serious body issues, not to mention her worries about commitment. She desperately wanted to get away from them and come back to London. Her school grades were good enough that she has been accepted at a 6th form to complete her A'levels. She arrived a couple of days ago to move in with my aunt, who lives near the school. My concern for her is that the aunt is also a bit difficult, but also with this new freedom away from the constraints of her parents, will she run off the tracks? I'm hoping it will be the opposite and that this will give her some inner peace.

Saturday, 27 August 2011

I am obligated to take my child to her father for 30 days a year and while I appreciate that this isn't really a lot of time, it does require extensive travel twice a year. We split the time up into two trips. After all, who can stay anywhere that isn't home for a whole month?

I make these visits happen and to some degree, my ex appreciates this, but what he aware of is the difficult behaviour that comes after these trips. My daughter is full of attitude and is quite honestly, very rude. She pushes all the boundaries and then tells me she is sorry and is tired. But this is a repeated pattern and I don't know how to deal with it. I know that I am the grown-up in this relationship but this isn't in the "how to raise a child by yourself" manual. We are both tired with jet-lag and my calmness deserts me. I know that it has to do with having different house rules with each parent. Her step-mother allows for her to wear nail varnish, which I don't. That is only one example of where we differ and being different is ok, it is how my daughter and I react to these differences that decides the impact on our lives. Apart from the very early years, this dilemma occurs after every visit and I am still none the wiser about how work through the behaviour and help her settle back down into our normal home life.

I wonder if this will continue to be our pattern or if, as she matures and develops, it will improve or not with age. I love her dearly but feel like I sometimes let her down with my mothering skills.

Monday, 1 August 2011

I'm just closing the door to my child's room and my mum is getting ready to just go.

To leave, almost without saying goodbye, again.

I wanted to say to her, that she is running away, like I used to do when I was younger, but I didn't.

Instead, we started to talk about the stuff that had been building up.

She feels that I am always exasperated with her, that I'm rolling my eyes.

And I feel that she is always critical of how I do things.

She doesn't feel very welcome at the moment and feels that she is only around when needed as the babysitter. Which isn't true. She has a busy life and will tell me that she wants 'a day' to herself. Yes I do need her as a babysitter, but it's not just that, I also enjoy her company.

The problem is, is that I don't do things the way that she would and so she criticizes me for that, saying wouldn't it be better to do this or to that. She feels that I don't give my child enough time to wind down at the end of the day, that I expect to be ready when I am. But what she misses out on is seeing me tell my child that she has until the end of that programme, or she has 10 minutes, or that she has until the end of the chapter. After that, I do a countdown from 5.

Mum says that I don't have much patience with my child, which harks back to not being a good enough mother.

But tonight what hurt the most was when she said that she felt no warmth from me and that I had become harder.

I looked at her, amazed that she could say that and pointed out that it would be difficult for me not to have changed after some of the stuff that I had been through.

I can't expect her to be able to put herself in my shoes, but I would have hoped for a modicum of empathy. Her early life was no bed of roses, but she had a good marriage, 3 healthy children, a house, a career grandchildren who love her.

She is not living my life.

My life could be worse, but it is certainly, most definitely not a bed of roses.

Little bits and pieces of me and my life

Sometimes in life, making decisions can be a difficult task, especially when there are others who depend on you. This blog will bare witness to my journey through life as a mother, a friend, a student and a sometime lover of a variety of other things....