The False Nature Of Romantic Love And How We've Fallen Into The Trap Of 'Amatonormativity'

I've spent a long time sitting on the concept of romantic love and all the social hierarchies that exist to defend and uphold the tyrannical grip this concept holds on individual beings. Thus you can imagine my relief when Sherronda J. Brown's article "Romance Is Not Universal, Nor Is It Necessary" mentioned a term that reconciled and validated my musings. The term 'amatonormativity,' which Brown says is coined by author Elizabeth Brake, "refers to the 'widespread assumption that everyone is better off in an exclusive, romantic, long-term coupled relationship, and that everyone is seeking such a relationship.'"

My heart blew a fuse as my brain processed the sentence, realizing that, as a professor once told me, if there's a term, it's a "thing." Apparently, the theory that romantic love is idealized, over-emphasized, and forced on individuals is, in fact, an academic concept. The theory suggests that both misogynistic and heteronormative ideals perpetuate romantic love, allowing its existence and function in society. The function is simple- to shame.

Contrary to what we've been made to believe, not everyone is seeking this long-term relationship that Brown speaks about. Not everyone is made for a relationship, not everyone craves one. Some people prefer short-term flings, casual dating, and even one-night stands. Some people refuse the idea of relationships in their youth and then find them more agreeable later on in life, all the while others romanticize the idea in their youth only to grow discontent and disenchanted with it as years pass. Attraction, affection, and preference are fluid; that's a statement that does not fit into the box that romantic love draws.

Romantic love is the tyrant, the boundary that keeps us in line with social convention. If social convention demands that all individuals are lonely and "not enough" without their romantic pair, we grow up knowing what is expected of us; dating, marriage, children, and love. What social convention forgets to mention is that the concept of love is broad, too broad to mean the things we've learned to connote with the word. It's an empty signifier, to borrow the term from Barthian myth.

We know it to mean a certain ineffable feeling that we will all at some point feel towards someone, yet since the feeling is ineffable, we don't bother to analyze it. What happens if someone never experiences that feeling? What happens if someone experiences that feeling towards someone who is toxic to them? What happens if someone is content without the feeling, and prefers love in relation to family or friends instead?

Brown touches upon the language that prevents us from seeing those relationships in the same emphasis and importance as romantic ones. Most obviously, we call our romantic partners "significant others," implying our priorities. Why are romantic partners the most "significant others," especially when not all other romantic involvements are build to last, especially when not all romantic involvements are good for our well-being? Why is it shameful to prioritize a friendship or a familial relationship over a romance? Why does that imply that you have not yet "met the one," or that you are lonely or less than or somehow undesirable?

The belief that you are always- of course, most obviously, unquestionable -seeking a romantic relationship to replace your other place-holder relationships keeps us believing that romantic relationships are always to be of the first priority and necessity; that no other relationship can amount to the feeling of a romantic love. This is true, in a sense, yet works vice versa as well. No friendship will give you the same love a romance will. Yet, on the other hand, no romance will be able to recreate the feeling a strong friendship can give you. Perhaps, the point is that these relationships are not interchangeable and that there is no clear priority arc, despite what the dictatorship of romantic love demands we believe. Perhaps, even more outrageously, these relationships can all exist within the same, fully-fleshed, complex individual at the same time.

But that's half the problem. The end-game of the line of thought governed by the concept of romantic love says that we are not, in fact, capable of being this individual on our own. The myth of the soulmate, the myth of "one true love," the linguistic intention behind "significant other"- these tools serve to remind us that we are incomplete on our own. We are forever stuck in the mindset that everyone has either found their true love, is looking, or is miserable without it. There is no agency, no "I'm happy being single" that sounds truthful enough to the indoctrinated ear.

In the loop of romantic love, we are always waiting, waiting for the go-ahead, the permission to be happy, to be complete, to be fulfilled. We are waiting on someone to define our priorities and emotions; waiting on someone to validate the space we occupy by existing; waiting for someone to say "yes, you've hit all the milestones, you've felt the right things, you've lived the right way."

I started listening to Ariana Grande's new album "Thank You, Next" the morning after it came out. Although I've been leery of her in the past, I do have to admit that she put out some major bops. One song's title REALLY concerned me, though. After listening to the song "break up with your girlfriend, i'm bored," I was even more disgusted.

Why is Grande pushing for the further destruction of today's dating scene?

Grande is basically singing about a guy she has a thing for and saying that he can "hit it" (ew, talk about classless) if he breaks up with his girlfriend. She even admits that it isn't right but she doesn't care. All because she's bored. Excuse me, WHAT?

This song just perpetuates everything that is wrong with dating and relationships in society today. People treat relationships like something they need to get out of the way instead of something to respect. Since when did a relationship become meaningless? If someone is in one, they are off limits regardless of your feelings. Period.

I can't tell you how many times I have heard conversations among both guys and girls talking about someone they like, mentioning they are in a relationship, then basically proceeding to do what they want anyway. That is the reason relationships today are 1. rare and 2. not working out like they used to. Sorry, but it's pathetic. You have no right to complain that you aren't in a relationship if that is the way you act toward other people's relationships.

People don't have boundaries these days. In my head, I always thought that if someone had a significant other, regardless of my feelings, that was endgame. I guess Ariana has different feelings? She needs to not perpetuate the BS attitude that millions of teenagers and adults already showcase. It only makes her look bad and makes others think that it is a common and appropriate mindset. Newsflash: It's not.

More like "break up with your girlfriend because I'm a whore." If that's the kind of attitude you have, stay away from me and my boyfriend because you're just a homewrecker. Sorry, not sorry.

I've Stopped Wearing My Purity Ring

When I was 14, my mom and I listened to an audio series on purity and the importance of God's design for sex to occur exclusively within marriage. She and I talked at length about how sex involves literally becoming one flesh with the other person (1 Corinthians 5:15-16), and how it is very emotionally painful to separate yourself from someone after this uniting of souls has occurred. I committed with my whole heart to God that I would live His way and wait until marriage to have sex.

When my mom and I had finished listening to the series, she gave me a pretty gold buckle ring, which had belonged to her for years, for me to wear on my left ring finger until I got an engagement ring someday.

It did look like a wedding ring and was a little bit too big, so a couple years later, I replaced it with a James Avery Heart Knot ring. I wore it for six years, including for the entirety of my relationship with the one serious boyfriend I've had.

When I was in high school, almost every other girl I knew had a ring like mine. Gradually, as we moved through college, some of them were replaced with engagement rings. Others were put aside because their owners no longer felt that the commitments these rings represented were an accurate reflection of where they were in life.

Then there's a third group, and if you haven't guessed yet, I am included. In God's providence and love, it is not because we are engaged or married; and by His grace alone, it is not because we have had sex. I still remain as committed as ever to the promise I made God when I was 14 to glorify Him with my body as much as is within my power. So why don't I like that cute little silver ring that looks like a pretzel anymore?

Most of us have seen this article floating around, "Men Prefer Debt-Free Virgins Without Tattoos."

I hate that article.

First of all, it's just plain wrong—you'll notice that being a debt-free virgin without tattoos hasn't stopped me from being as single as the Pope. God's will for bringing His children together is so much bigger than these three petty things. One of my friends of whom none of the above is true is in a beautiful and Christ-honoring marriage. It isn't her fault she didn't become a Christian until after she'd had sex or that her family couldn't pay for college.

Secondly, none of those things would be true of me were it not for the particular blessings of being from a financially well-off family, having been raised Christian, never having dated a guy who pressured me for sex, and then the personal preference of just not really wanting a tattoo. The fact that these qualities are either subjective or outside our control is troubling enough, but most troubling is this idea of virginity as a commodity, a bargaining chip, a resume item, a trophy.

Yes, sex before marriage is a sin. But there is no other sin that we wear a ring for not having committed. I don't have a "Haven't Stolen Anything" ring or a "Haven't Murdered Yet" ring. Why should I wear a "Haven't Had Premarital Sex" ring?

I have moreover become convinced that I don't deserve to wear my purity ring anymore, as I have broken my commitment to remain pure until marriage. In fact, I break it almost every time I see an attractive shirtless guy if we are being thoroughly transparent.

In the words of our Savior in Matthew 5:28,

"But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."

Jesus does care what we do with our bodies; there is no question of that. But He cares about our hearts too, and this is what the purity ring concept loses track of. Obedience includes things like not having sex until marriage, not stealing, and not murdering, to be sure, but it goes so much further than that. Lust, covetousness, and hatred are just as sinful as pre/extramarital sex, theft, and murder.

Thus, we all stand equally condemned, hopelessly wicked, and without excuse before the burning, holy wrath of Justice. Virgins are not better than people who have had sex. In God's perfect love, He has provided His sinless Son to take the punishment for the sins of His people, no matter what their past held, be it lust or premarital sex, covetousness or theft, hatred or murder, all of the above, or anything else. His blood is strong enough to wash all of it away. We were equal in our desperate wickedness before, and we are equal in His righteousness after.

So with all of this in mind, tell me why I should wear a symbol of one sin I haven't committed, even when I have committed so many others, when I was condemned to hell same as everybody else, when I was rescued by the blood of Jesus same as everybody else, when I am forgiven through Him same as everybody else, when I still sin and need my High Priest to plead my cause day and night, same as everybody else? If I haven't committed one sin, what meaning could that possibly have when I've committed thousands of others?

If I am on trial for murder, should the judge care that I've never gotten a speeding ticket? Would it not work against me that I'd even think that would count for something? If I brought up that I have never exceeded the speed limit while on trial for murder, would it do anything in the world besides emphasize that I don't understand the severity of my crime?

Says Isaiah 64:6,

"But we are all as an unclean thing, and all our righteousnesses are as filthy rags; and we all do fade as a leaf; and our iniquities, like the wind, have taken us away." (KJV)

I'm not trying to downplay the importance of waiting for marriage. The Bible is clear on it, and it brings great glory to God when His people joyfully submit to His commands. But if you have not had sex, and take pride in that and boast in it, then you don't yet understand how grave an offense your other sins are to a holy God; and if you have had sex and can't escape your guilt, then you don't yet understand what a powerful sin-soap the blood of Jesus is. If you are in Christ, your sin is nailed to the cross, dead, gone, cast as far from you as the east is from the west. As long as Jesus stands in heaven, no one can hold your past sins against you, least of all a judgmental and theologically weak woman on Facebook.

Someone asked me when I told them why I don't wear my purity ring anymore if I was worried guys (potential boyfriends, I presume) might think I'm not a virgin. No, I'm not concerned about that at all, and here's why. The kind of man I want won't care what specifically I have and haven't done in the past, no more than I care or have any right to ask which sins Jesus forgave him.

I don't care whether pornography is in his past, as long as it isn't in his present or future. I don't care if sex outside marriage is in his past, as long as it's not in his present or future. In a similar way, he will care much more whether or not Jesus Christ is the King of my life and whether I am actively being sanctified, building the Church, and learning more about Jesus daily. I try to make all those things true of myself, but the truth is, there are a lot of girls who have had sex in the past who are doing a lot better job than I am. Let them think I'm not a virgin, let them know that I am a more vile and wretched sinner than every girl I know who's had sex, as long as they see the power of the work wrought by Christ in me.

The concept behind the purity ring is dreadfully, unforgivably ignorant of the Gospel. I wouldn't question your salvation for wearing a purity ring, but I myself don't feel good about it in light of the above reasons. There are a lot of things we can do that are not necessarily wrong, but may be misleading or give others the wrong idea. These are a matter of individual conviction, and I feel that purity rings are among them. It is good to teach young people not to have sex before marriage, but it is imperative to teach them the rest of the story, lest they wander off into the weeds and think that's all there is to it, as I have been guilty of doing in the past. There are more dangers in purity culture than I have time to list, and loving simplicity as I do, I prefer to avoid all of it, rather than pawing through the bathwater in search of a baby.

"When Christians concentrate on the exterior – on things which can be redeemed, restored, and overcome – they present a version of Christianity that is both HOPELESS and POWERLESS. This article will cause a stir. But it will draw no oneto Jesus. If anything, it will depict Him as the unapproachable God so many already assume Him to be. I'm here to tell you: You can be a debt-free virgin without tattoos and far from the heart of Christ.Your appearance and bank account and sexual history do not earn you favor in God's eyes. By grace alone, we are saved, and that is GOOD NEWS for the debt-free virgin and the tattooed college graduate alike. Because with Jesus, there is always hope. There is always redemption. There is purity unearned, unmerited, yet freely given.

This is the scandal of grace: We come empty and inadequate, but He doesn't leave us there.

God is holy, and when you truly follow Him, you'll desire holiness and freedom, too. But you don't have to clean yourself up before you get there. God does that for you."