You have my attention from the very beginning, young one, and I could definitely feel the intensity of the topic, even if it is your first time writing a non fan fic, which from my own point of view, is very rare to do considering your age.
Take no offense when I say this; I truly mean my statement in all honesty. In my opinion (and personal experience) a young writer such as yourself deserve such an honest critique, I'm surprised that you haven't had many reviews. :(
All I can tell you is to continue; My attention is open, and I anticipate more from you to continue this creation of yours :-)
- Sincerely,
T. Siarel

Hey! I really love your detailed writing. It's really refreshing compared to other writing styles (such as my own) which include more dialouge and less discription. I truly believe that you should continue on with this particular story, and I'm excited to see what other idea's you'll come up with! Keep writing! :)