BITTER ARIES...

The Jittery Journeys of October 2004

Greetings, my little fleecy protuberant addlepates! It's time to tiptoe through the vile and bitter tulips in the fields of prognostication. Offensive October is the month in question, though each month is like every other to one who has known the epiphanies of sublime irritation. And that one, of course, is me! Asperitus, oracle of bitter truth!

Well, with that out of the way, I'd best begin before we both fall prey to unspeakable boredom and are clasped to the bosom of Morphia for an eternity or two. Marauding Mars clashes with idiot Uranus as the month begins and you are transfixed by a vision from the other world. Ghastly planets fart in the sign of the Scales and you stand in wonderment as the vision that beckoned you last month still stands beckoning now. 'Come and learn of sheep,' the splendid one exhorts you yet again and you wake from your trance and leap forward impulsively to deepen the relationship by attempting engage in the full frontal assault you laughingly describe as 'sex'. 'Nay,' says the vision, arresting your efforts with an upraised hand (an iron bar might be more efficacious). 'First, you must come to know the flock.'

Because your fires are running high, you mishear what is said and go through the farce of attempted amorous invasion once more. Again comes the upraised hand, this time with a gentle slap. Promising! But what's this! It's not foreplay but refusal! Great gods alive and dead, it's pre-coitus interruptus! How cruel!

But then vamping Venus enters anal Virgo and the vision turns you from these ejaculations of concupiscence, takes you by the hand and gestures hypnotically. Wide fields open before your astounded eyes. Fields lined with beautiful flowers and stately trees, and populated by fleecy frolicking ovines. 'These ones shall be like unto your family,' speaks the vision.

This exaggerated style of speech owes itself to the unseemly rutting of mischievous Mercury and the great Sol Invicti in the gutters of Heaven. 'You shall walk again in the ways of sheep but now learn the deepest mysteries of Ovinity,' intones the vision. 'You shall ascend the ovine staircase. First, shall you sit in silence with the Suffolk! Then shall you learn the discipline of the Drysdale! So shall you contemplate with the Coopworth and ponder with the Perendale. Then will you ascend to ruminate with the Romney and, at the last, will you reach the highest level of the Ovine Way as you meditate with the Merino.'

You are dumbstruck as this oration ends, little things of hideous horn. Like the cataleptic, the visionary and the drug-besotted loon, you fall again into a trance. A New Moon comes in fatuous Libra, bringing a Solar Eclipse to your house of partnership while mischievous Mercury clashes with lugubrious Saturn and the great Sol Invicti wrestles with cranky Chiron. It's as if your past and all the things you once knew are erased from your mind, tiny ram galoots! And, it's a mercifully brief process (emptying your mind), given there's so little ground to cover.

So there you are, my fleecy twerps! No shred of memory remains as to who you once have been or what you knew. It's sheep that fill the purview of your personal horizons now (due to miserable Saturn in nitwit Cancer). Mischievous Mercury enters grim Scorpio and you contemplate the fields and the flock, feeling that you see into the essence of the mysteries of life and death!

By my little brown bottle! It could be disappointing if you found there was no mystery at all, a thing I've long suspected myself.

Enough of that! Vamping Venus clashes with underworld Pluto and the visionary creature who has held you at arm's length and lectured you on the flock now seizes you and gives you a 'seeing to' of the sexual congress variety such as you have never had before. Great gods alive and dead! Ecstasy is yours as the great Sol Invicti enters Scorpio, mischievous Mercury clashes with nasty Neptune and marauding Mars wrestles with cranky Chiron.

Great Heavens, little galoots! This is almost too good to be true! You must proceed with alacrity. Thus, as the Full Moon brings a Lunar Eclipse to your solar second house, you use your savings to purchase this garden of earthly delights to which you have fortuitously come, and the entire flock of sheep as well. Thus you own the grassy knolls to which you throw yourself for further congress with your new love. The healing powers of Ovinity flood your body in continuous transports of orgasmic delight.

By my little brown bottle, ram type things! Your brain is purged, as are your loins. If you could fill your belly, life would be complete! And what's this! Vamping Venus enters odious Libra and beauteous naiads and dryads come to serve you with nectar, ambrosia and other heavenly foodstuffs of mythic renown. 'Shepherd,' cries your visionary love. 'Come, be conjoined with your flock!' What a happy Halloween this is turning out to be! Click here next time to see if any nasty spirits come to trick you out of your treats! Ta! Ta!