X Factor 2011, Week 16: Can We Vote Louis Out?

IT’S SEMI-FINAL WEEK AT THE X FACTOR!! Under normal circumstances, watching a semi would get me quite excited but in this case, not so much. Last night I had the company of my best friend who kindly agreed to watch the show with me on the condition we got drunk, insulted the contestants and gorged on carbs. Unfortunately last night’s episode of the X Factor was as dull as dishwater and this resulted in us drinking more and making up ‘knock knock’ jokes. In hindsight this was almost as dull as the X Factor as the best we could come up with was:

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“Knock knock”

“Who’s there?”

“Louis”

“Louis who?”

“Exactly.”

That did lead us into a Louis rant and we both asked the question, ‘How the bloody hell is Louis Walsh still a judge?’ He says the same, ‘I want everyone one in [insert location] to vote for [insert name] you look like a young Christina-Britney-Kelly-Lenny-Henry’ spiel every week. I honestly don’t see what he brings to the show… he doesn’t have any contestants, Westlife have split up and he’s not even Irish. Ok, one part might be wrong but surely he should be voted off when his acts go out? New rules please. Louis is to the X Factor what Screech is to Saved By the Bell. He was never funny or important in the beginning and after 3283 seasons, he’s still not.

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Back to the show, if you get to the semi’s you’re pretty much guaranteed a record contract and an opportunity to star in at least one other reality TV based show next year. You’re also probably likely to do better than the winner, so it’s not all bad, just ask Matt Cardle how he feels about One Direction and Cher Lloyd. The theme this week is Motown and for the 2nd week in a row each contestant gets to sing 2 songs each, or in Amelia Lily’s case, shout for 5 minutes instead of 2 and a half. The judges were all looking dapper again, Kelly’s thighs looked like they could crack a coconut let along a walnut and her hair was so shiny it looked like the tummy of a wet penguin on Frozen Planet.

Following on from last week’s 3rd appearance in the bottom two, Misha B opened the show in style, if your style is a Blue-Peter-charity—shop-recycling-outfit-challenge. She rocked a dress that was made solely of vinyl records (my mother tells me these were used to play music? I’m yet to see any proof.) I would have given her a higher score for her outfit if her wig had also been made out of vinyl records but I guess the ITV budgets don’t stretch that far.

Kelly’s thighs looked like they could crack a coconut let along a walnut and her hair was so shiny it looked like the tummy of a wet penguin on Frozen Planet.

Misha B’s first song ‘Dancing in the street’ did lack in impact, but it’s a little hard to get any real impact from a song that is essentially one line repeated. Her second song was somewhat dull and the added affect of a smoke machine that looked like it was fixed to her arse didn’t bring anything to the performance. The judges still praised her and she clearly is very talented but I’m not sure she’s mainstream enough to make it through to next week.

The 2nd of the girls to perform was Amelia Lily. In her VT before her performance she is wearing some sort of fluffy ear thing on her head. I can’t work it out and my friend is quick to explain, ‘it’s a hair band, it’s fucking ridiculous and it makes her look like a c*nt.’ Agreed. If Avril Lavigne had been a singer in the 1960’s… that was the vibe Amelia was channeling as she sang shouted her way through ‘Ain’t no mountain high enough.’ Her second song wasn’t much better and she failed to make it sound any different from the original. They might as well have just played the tape.

I know she’s only 17 but Amelia’s styling was very questionable last night and I couldn’t really hear her performance over my friend’s cries of ‘LOOK AT HER STUPID FEET.’ I’m not sure if there is ever a reason to wear pink ankle socks if you’re over 6, but Amelia tried it anyway. I do like her and it’s not that I don’t appreciate how much Amelia tries to be and look like a girl but as soon she talks, if you close your eyes, you’d think she’d come round to check your drains. She’s definitely got a case of the Amy Winehouse-great-singing-voice-HUGE-manly-talking-voice going on.

It’s clear that Gary knows this too but as his mentor he stood up for Marcus saying he's, ‘authentic smooth and fantastic’ – alright Gaz, he’s not a fucking chocolate torte.

Little Mix got the biggest reaction from the crowd last night. Their first video showed them in a great light and they really do seem like genuine and humbled everyday girls. Even the one that looks like Carol Voderman’s love child hasn’t let the fame go to her (really wide) head. That’s not fair actually as I know she’s very self-conscious of the way she looks, the thing is, I’m not saying she looks like a pug… but every time I watch them I do have the urge to stroke one.

They all sang their own bits well but a few mistakes with the lyrics and pitchy notes on their first song meant they didn’t seem as on form as previous weeks. They did absolutely nail their second performance of, ‘If I were a boy’ and I think that was enough to get them through to the final. Gary made a valid point that Perrie, ‘the blonde one’ really is the best singer in the group and that she needs more of a focus. Kelly was quick to agree and stated that in every group there has to be lead singer. Surprisingly no one from the audience shouted out “Beyoncé” but we were all thinking it. Kelly also said that Little Mix will be the group to change the world, Kelly was clearly off her head.

Marcus delivered the only male performance last night and although I’d like to say what he sang it was so boring I can’t remember. I must have fallen asleep in my champagne instead. Marcus is cute but he really does have the capability to make even the catchiest songs a little ‘el blando.’ It’s clear that Gary knows this too but as his mentor he stood up for Marcus saying he's, ‘authentic smooth and fantastic’ – alright Gaz, he’s not a fucking chocolate torte. One of the main issues Marcus has is that he takes a while to warm up and when you only have a few minutes on stage you really need to be on fire from the first beat. The other issue Marcus has is his indecisiveness on his range and I constantly find myself shouting at the TV “for the love of Simon Cowell just pick a key!’

Tonight’s episode will sort the men from the boys and I think regardless of her talent, Misha B will not make it through to the final. Don’t hold me to it though, I think I’m still drunk.