What to put in your bug-out bag if Trump is elected.

Posted September 26th, 2016.

A bug-out bag is a backpack filled with the equipment you need to survive apocalyptic scenarios such as a total collapse of the economy or catastrophic superstorms. Typical items include emergency food and water, first-aid kit, camping gear, knives, and weapons. If you’ve seen Doomsday Preppers, you’re probably familiar with the debate about what to leave in and what to leave out.

A Donald Trump presidency is a special type of doomsday scenario. And one that may be only months away. As such, I’ve compiled a list of the items that you’ll need to survive:

A copy of “The Art of the Deal”.This is Trump’s second favorite book — second only to The Holy Bible. Prove your loyalty to the Dear Leader by carrying a copy at all times.

Whole Milk. As the police state intensifies, there’s an increasing chance you may get caught in the crossfire of some pepper spray. The active ingredient, capsaicin, doesn’t wash away with water. Keep some whole milk on hand to relieve the burning pain.

Padded bras. In the New Trump Order, a woman’s worth is entirely defined by her beauty. And it’s very hard for a flat-chested person to be a 10. Augment the appearance of your breasts if you don’t want to fall to the bottom rung of society.

Aluminum foil. In an unprecedented move from a presidential candidate, Trump urged Russian intelligence to break into the email accounts of his opponent. As president, he is unlikely to lead a government that will protect you from foreign cyber criminals. Aluminum foil can both serve as a makeshift Faraday cage for your wireless electronics and prove useful for some campfire cooking.