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Monday, December 28, 2015

"This week, a study came
out confirming that narcissists are largely bred, not born. The study,
conducted by the University of Amsterdam and Ohio State University,
found that “narcissism in children is cultivated by parental
overvaluation: parents believing their child to be more special and more
entitled than others.” (That’s scientific-speak for Special Snowflake
Syndrome, and the researchers are talking about the other parents at
your youth league soccer practice.)
This is great news, because it means there are steps we can take to prevent unleashing more little egotists on the world.
And this is bad news, because these steps are actually pretty
common-sense; the study cited parental warmth, not praise, as a
counterbalance to the trend. It’s also kind of depressing that we’ve
even come to a point where narcissism — the increase of which
contributes to societal problems such as aggression and violence,
according to the research — has become so widespread that an entire
study was conducted in the first place. (Then again, selfie sticks are
now sold in drugstores for $24.95, so the mystery ends there.)
Anyone who’s spent time with a toddler recently does not need to be
told that narcissism is the status quo in children. Remember how Martin
Luther King Jr. once said that the moral arc of the universe is long,
but it bends toward justice? In kids, it bends toward narcissism.
After all, we are talking about a segment of the population that sees
nothing wrong in waking their parents up at 4 a.m. to demand pancakes
and episodes of “Dinosaur Train.”
And that’s why parents exist. It’s partly to keep their kids clothed
and fed and safe and loved, and partly to prevent them from becoming
Caligula.
The way to raise a narcissist is pretty evident: Tell your child they
are wonderful, the very best, the most special of the specials on the
sports field and the classroom and in the country and possibly on the
planet — and keep telling them that. Or, just be a narcissist yourself.
Done. Cool, we’ve settled that.Children need to accept that they’ll hear “no” in life — and it’s best for them to learn this early.Photo: Shutterstock.com
But what if you’d like to raise someone who’s confident, kind and aware of others?
Here are nine ways to make sure your child doesn’t become a narcissist.Say no. A recent school of thought seems to treat
“no” as a kind of ultimate buzzkill, a tamping down on childish
creativity and artistic self-expression. This is nuts. It’s fine to tell
your children no, especially when they’re trying to set something on
fire. In fact, a lot of life is being told no and then trying to come up
with alternative plans. They might as well learn this young, so it
doesn’t come as a shock five minutes into their first job.Teach them basic manners. A lack of manners is the
ultimate form of narcissism. Whether it’s someone who is rude to
waiters, has bad table manners or can’t be bothered to dress for the
occasion, lack of manners is signaling to the world that you have no
need to conform to any silly “social codes” or “basic ideas of decency,”
and that all that counts is your own comfort. But wait, you say. There
are plenty of well-mannered narcissists! Yes, but they’re a lot more
pleasant than the ones who sneeze into their dinner napkins or take food
off your plate without asking.Teach them how to manage frustration. Much has been written about
good old-fashioned grit, a person’s ability to confront failure and
learn from it. Studies have found it to be one of the best indicators of
later happiness in adults. Teach a kid how to overcome adversity, and
you’re also teaching him or her about disappointment, another invaluable
life lesson that’s cut off when parents attempt to cocoon their
children from anything unpleasant.Pull a Louie. There was a fantastic episode of
“Louie” a few seasons back where his daughter is enraged because her
sister got something that she didn’t.
“Listen,” he says. “You’re never gonna get the same things as other
people. It’s never gonna be equal. It’s not gonna happen ever in your
life, so you must learn that now, OK? The only time you should look in
your neighbor’s bowl is to make sure that they have enough. You don’t
look in your neighbor’s bowl to see if you have . . . as much as them.”
Pretty much everything Louis C.K. has to say about parenting is dead on,
so if you’re looking for more pointers and great life lessons, just cue
up your Netflix account.Be kind. To other people, not just your child. This
one might seem painfully obvious, but it’s worth remembering that your
kids don’t just notice how you treat them — they notice how you interact
with the world. You know how some of the most successful people are the
ones who are unfailingly lovely to everyone, from shoe shiners to CEOs?
People like that lead by example, creating wonderful environments to be
emulated. Parents who are rude to everyone but their children are
sending a message that there are people who matter (their kids!) and
people who don’t (everyone else!).Traveling
with your kids will reinforce that it is not acceptable to simply exist
in a bubble of people who reflect their own worldview.Photo: Shutterstock.comTravel with them. Take trips with your kids, whether
it’s to another country, another state or even a town nearby that’s
completely different from the one you live in. It doesn’t have to be
expensive. A change of scenery will be enough to reinforce to your kids
that not everyone lives the way they do: that life goes on differently
in other places, that people come from different races and nationalities
and economic situations, and that it is not acceptable to simply exist
in a bubble of people who reflect their own worldview.Love and approval are different. Loving your kids
unconditionally is one thing, but that love doesn’t need to translate
into constant, unconditional, 24/7 approval and praise of everything
they do. You can love someone while redirecting their behavior or being
disappointed by their actions. The two aren’t mutually exclusive.A recent study found that reading fiction helps people improve their empathy.Photo: Shutterstock.comRead to them. A recent study found
that reading fiction helps people improve their empathy, because it
encourages them to place themselves in others’ lives and understand
their actions. In that way, reading is like traveling — with your mind.Run errands with them. Not all of life can be
fascinating, interesting and wonderful, and no lesson reinforces that
better than bringing your kids along on some errands. While the recent
parenting emphasis on “quality time” is fine, boredom is its own
powerful life lesson. So is the message that you have to spend a portion
of each day doing things that are necessary, though not magical, and
that not every activity revolves around kids. It’s also a great time to
bond with your kids in a casual, low-pressure setting."

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

My daughter-in-law, Heather, was asked to give a talk in Church. I loved her talk so much, and think it applies to so many of us, that I asked her if I could publish it on my blog. Here it is:

The Birth and Ministry
of Christ

With this
assignment to speak, I’ve been reflecting as deeply as I could on the time of
Christ’s birth. Those were days of great turmoil, fear, and political unrest.
The laws and punishments were brutal and the nation of Israel was fractured by
oppressive Romans.

Lloyd Newell, the
host of Music and the Spoken Word brought to my attention that in the account
of the Savior’s birth, there are four separate occasions where an angel
appeared with the message “Fear not.”

When
the angel Gabriel appeared to Zacharias with news that his wife would bear a
son, the forerunner of the Messiah, he said, “Fear not, . . . for thy prayer is
heard.”

Later
the same angel visited “beautiful and fair” Mary to tell her that she
would be the mother of the Son of God, assuring her with similar words: “Fear
not, Mary: for thou hast found favour with God.”

Shortly
thereafter an angel appeared to Joseph the carpenter in a dream and said, “Fear
not to take unto thee Mary thy wife.”

And
then, on that holy night, as all eternity watched in reverent silence, the
angel came upon humble shepherds keeping watch over their flock. The shepherds,
who “were sore afraid,” heard the angel proclaim, “Fear not: for, behold,
I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.”

So much of what
happened during those pivotal moments in the nativity narrative depended upon
the courage of people like Zacharias, Mary, Joseph, and the shepherds. God had
a monumental task for each of them; their lives were about to change forever.
Imagine if they had let fear overcome them. What if they had pulled back,
doubted, and failed to do what God needed them to do?

Like Zacharias, who
feared that he would never have children, you may have fears about your family.
Or maybe your fear isn’t that you won’t have children but that you will have
children, whom you will have to raise in a toxic world increasingly hostile to
families. Like Mary, you may have an assignment or responsibility that seems
far beyond your abilities. Like Joseph, you may fear getting married—or that
you will never get married. Like the shepherds, you may be “sore afraid” when
your peaceful and simple life is disrupted because God has plans for you that
are bigger than what you have for yourself.

It wasn’t too long
ago when I had a strong desire to increase my faith. It felt like I had a
personal mountain to move and I knew if I just had enough faith, it would move.
As I knelt in prayer, the moment I began to pour out my heart for greater
faith, I was tempted with fear. I feared that if I prayed for faith, surely,
Heavenly Father would put into my path a tragedy or some great trial in order
for me to stretch myself and gain greater faith.When I thought this, my desire to pray for
faith diminished and I shrunk at the idea of praying for such a thing. I didn’t
want to bring trials or tragedies into my life.

Then I was taught by
the spirit. I saw this fear for what it was…a lie, a weak spot in my faith as
long as I heal onto this belief. From that point on, I’ve been able to discern
more clearly where my own doubts and fears. As I pray for these fears to
disperse, my faith has become strengthened.

The truth is, God
doesn’t give us stones when we ask for bread. I know this, yet, the moment I
give into fear or doubt, is the very moment my faith is weak or completely
absent.

Life presents endless
opportunities to fear.

We may fear we can
never truly overcome an addictive behavior or perhaps we fear for a loved one
who has strayed. We may fear we aren’t good enough. We may fear God is ashamed
of us…which is, in my opinion, the most darkest of lies.

For those of us who
fear, ask yourself, do I pray with the spirit of fear or do I pray in faith
that the Lord will provide a way and
cling to the hope that you are never so low, but that Christ has gone lower or
never so lost but that He will seek you out.

I don’t think the
message “Fear Not” was only intended for one difficult task or experience, I
believe this message was meant to be taken into our hearts and continually be
applied throughout our lives.

Mary had to not only
“Fear not”, while carrying a child, but also when there wasn’t room in the inn
to bare her child, and fleeing into Egypt to spare the life of her child, and
in feeling the weight of raising the Son of God, and most of all, Mary had to
“Fear Not” when her beloved son, her perfect son was to be lifted upon the
cross and take upon him the sins of the world.

The
Lord’s message to you today is the same message He sent through His angels so
long ago: “Fear not.” He can say that because He knows more than we do. He sees
what we cannot see. He knows what is coming, and, in the eternal scheme of
things, it is not as bad as we may think. He knows that we can handle it with
His help because He knows how to strengthen and succor us.

Most of all, He tells
us not to fear because He knows that fear will paralyze us. It will keep us
from knowing and doing His will; accepting His blessings, His love, and His
light; and fulfilling His purposes.

Satan wants us to
give in to fear. God wants us to hold on to hope.

I find the message of
FEAR NOT profound because I too have fears. I live in a world of great turmoil,
fear, and political unrest. Sometimes I
feel that my fears create blocks in my lines of inspiration and connection to
God.

President Howard W.
Hunter said:Fear . . . is a
principal weapon in the arsenal that Satan uses to make mankind unhappy. He who
fears loses strength for the combat of life in the fight against evil.
Therefore, the power of the evil one always tries to generate fear in human
hearts. . . .. . . A timid, fearing people cannot do their work well, and they
cannot do God’s work at all. Latter-day Saints have a divinely assigned mission
to fulfill… that simply must not be dissipated in fear and anxiety.

When
the Christ child was born into the world, I can only imagine the utmost feeling
of joy, of relief, feelings of being rescued.And why? Why these feelings?Because God is perfect. And he bought us for a profound price, even with
His blood. We are his sheep.We need not
fear. A shepherd tends to the needs of his flock. He gently guides them. He
feeds them. He guards them.

I’m
forever grateful for my Shepherd. And as I continually learn to be his sheep, I
need not want for anything.I can Fear
Not.

There’s a hymn, not
found in our hymnbook, but sung at the funeral of President Hinckley
called:My Shepherd, you supply my need

My Shepherd will supply my need:Jehovah is His Name;In pastures
fresh He makes me feed,Beside the living stream.He brings my wandering spirit backWhen I forsake His ways,And leads me, for His mercy's sake,In paths of truth and grace. When I walk through the
shades of death,Thy presence is my stay;A word of Thy supporting breathDrives all my fears away.Thy hand, in sight of all my foes,Doth still my table spread;My cup with blessings overflows,Thine oil anoints my head.The sure provisions of my GodAttend me all my days;O may Thy house be my abode,And
all my work be praise!There would I find
a settled rest,While others go and come;No more a stranger, nor a guest,But like a child at home.

God’s greatest gift to all mankind is His son.

If we earnestly appeal to God, He takes us as we are—and makes us more
than we ever imagined. Then, if we stay
in the fold, and be his sheep, we will be brought back to our Father in Heaven to
partake of all that the Father has.

often professed the strength or
weakness in faith of those around him. I noticed that when he found doubt or
fear, faith was either weak or absent.An example of this is found in Mark 4:37-40 as Christ and his apostles
were crossing the sea. And there arose a great storm of wind, and
the waves beat into the ship, so that it was now full. And he was in the hinder
part of the ship, asleep on a pillow: and they awake him, and say unto him,
Master, carest thou not that we perish? And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and
said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great
calm. And he said unto them, Why are ye so fearful? how is it that ye have no
faith?

When I read this I can
help but wonder…what would faith have looked like here? Their boat was filled
and the storm was raging.

Is it really possible
to have faith and internal peace in the midst of a storm? The answer is yes, an
absolute yes.

Quoting Elder Bednar:

Truly, one of the great blessings
of devoted discipleship is “the peace of God, which passeth all understanding”
(Philippians 4:7).

The peace Christ gives allows us
to view mortality through the precious perspective of eternity and supplies a
spiritual settledness (see Colossians 1:23) that helps us maintain a consistent focus on our heavenly destination.
Thus, we can be blessed to hush our fears because His doctrine provides purpose
and direction in all aspects of our lives. His ordinances and covenants fortify
and comfort in times both good and bad. And His priesthood authority gives
assurance that the things that matter most can endure both in time and in
eternity.

Heavenly Father’s gift to us was
the way home to him again through His son Jesus Christ. To show love to my
savior, I will strive to repent of my fears and choose to have faith in my
Lord, Savior Jesus Christ and partake of the Peace of God which passeth all
understanding.

We sing the
song “O Come All Ye Faithful,” but I wonder if we might not be able to expand
it.O Come, all ye faithful. O Come All
ye doubtful. Come, all ye sorrowful and shameful and prideful and sinful. Come
lay our burdens at His feet. Come take part of the condescension of Christ. You
are never so low, but that He has gone lower. You are never so lost but that He
will seek you out.

This
Christmas we worship the Christ child who wipes away our fears.

I Know that God lives and that Christ was born
into the world for us. He is the way. I testify that I know Christ lives today
and that we need not fear…we are His Sheep.In the name of Jesus Christ Amen.

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About Me

I'm a widow, mother of 7, grandmother of 20 (10 grandsons and 10 granddaughters!) and recently retired school music teacher. I'm a piano teacher, banjo student, and advocate for families. I want to share music with as many families as I can to help them enrich and fortify their homes.