Player Comments

This was well....Interesting.To say the very least, If I’m being honest it was twisted as hell, I found the rhymes very compelling and that was the only reason I read this piece I guess, not a new way of telling a story, just not something people use a lot on this site.Not saying I’ll be making a stop at the Local graveyard.

I really think this is the darker side of this site, I mean insanebutvain EndMaster are masters at Dark writings(I really wanna say ‘Dark Arts’),but this wall a hella a lot darker my friend.I was just when you go into either or more of these writers worlds there’s a balance of dark and light.Essential to making a story a hit, a balance that makes the story interesting and readable.

You just threw us in there with this really twisted man who has really twisted thoughts about really twisted things.Im just gonna say you NEED TO BALANCE IT.Even stories about stuff like this have pages where your not actively doing weird stuff like this.
“Loved the rhyme, hated the crime’

Maybe make it so you have for example, more info on his banker life, maybe give a better reason for what he does, not just,’Oh I just had this really weird urge and didn’t struggle at all, no regrets or any second thoughts.’

Basically what I’m saying is focusing on too much stuff is bad for writing.I give you a fat 6/8 for the rhyming efforts and yeah(Keep up ‘the work’ I guess)

Had to give this a 7 for the sheer audacity and uniqueness of the plot. It was very entertaining, disturbing, and a lot of fun to read.

Constructive criticism:

On principle I couldn't give a poem an 8. Sorry, Jesus just won't allow me to do that. Also, there were a couple of moments of inconsistency in the metre and rhyming. Finally, this was pretty short as far as stories go, regardless of the particular method of story telling used.

Overall, the idea itself pulls this up to a 7 in my opinion. This is a unique poem, and it's well worth the read. In fact, this was one of the few instances where I really felt a need to go through every possible ending. Excellent work!

On a more productive note - Have you read it all out loud? It might just be a difference in accents and pronunciation, but some of the lines just don't quite flow as well as they could.
But saying that, I can't rhyme for shit.
5/8