I sat numb, on the end of my bathtub. Next pay cheque is going to suck. I tell my husband I'm not ready yet. He sighs about our bills. It's always pay cheque to pay cheque for us. I assure him that my anxiety was back, if the panic attack last night didn't faze him.

I call my GP. Thank God, its the receptionist that likes me. He's long downstairs. I tell her, the giggling demeanor that she talks in is gone. I tell her I'm in crisis. She's able to book me in for 2pm.

I lay down in bed and write the previous entry. CH from work msgs me. She's my mentor at work. She's adamant that through the vagina hysterectomies are better.

12:00pm

"I made a doctors appointment, I couldn't wait until Monday."

He asks if I want him to come with me. I invite him along.

1:26pm

"If we get in early we'll see her earlier"

I doubt this as the was an urgent appointment.

We check in with my OHIP card.

Wait...

2:05pm

We have the same Doctor. He's so adamant about retaining my fertility. My weight, PCOS and this has stacked the deck against me. My doctors appointment is hijacked from me. I don't get pain meds because I could be still "healing" from my biopsy 15 days ago as my husband puts it. Great. Sore abdomen and legs for the next few days. I manage to get my clonazepam. They talk about preserving my capability to have a baby. From what I read this is a rabbit hole. I'm not going to let this fester. F*** this. She tells me I have an easy cancer, that I'm still young and I can have Babies!

Brain: WTF is easy cancer? I've so many people look at my vagina and tits this year I'm not even shy about starting to disrobe in front of a nurse. What painless and easy biopsies has she heard of.