I’ll admit it, I like Lady Gaga’s music. Her songs are catchy as shit and fun to belt out during a drunken night at the bar (not to mention they inspire a great deal of hilarious sorority girl behavior). However, there is one thing that separates Lady Gaga from the rest of her class of relatively talentless celebrities — the bitch is BUTT UGLY. I’m talking mistaken-for-homeless, frighten-small-children, dont-look-at-while-eating ugly. So, as an explainer of the unexplained, I take on my toughest question yet: How is Lady Gaga so famous when she looks like this?

As I sit on the Tokyo couch, sipping a delicious Sam Adams Irish Red and having a think, I realize that true thoughts of depth and meaning are completely absent from my wandering mind. Why said truth and wisdom wont gestate in the fertile mind of this accomplished thinker/blogger I cant quite put my finger on, until I assume one of the most classic positions of deep thought. As my hand finally reaches my chin it hits me — there’s no beard there! I was hopeless from the start.

Socrates - The original philosophy beard

The philosophy beard has long been the most valuable tool of the world’s most renowned thinkers and theorists. Anyone who has taken a philosophy class at the 200 level or higher knows what I’m talking about. The professors have it, the serious philosophy majors have it, that annoying kid who raises his hand every five minutes with some new thought you couldn’t care less about has been nursing his for a solid month now. Nobody can deny the power of the philosophy beard… the only question is where does this power come from?

As I tend to float around in the 5 o’clock shadow to 3 day scruff range, I can not even hope to actually discover the true meaning of the power of the philosophy beard, as such revelations would certainly require the use of the beard (naturally). However, I haven’t shaved in a few days, so I will feebly attempt to speculate.

Rene Descartes - A modern beard for the father of modern philosophy

Maybe the beard affects the electrical balance of the face, thus allowing the brain to function more freely and effectively. Or maybe the facial warmth the beard provides frees the thinker of the harsh distractions of cruel nature. Perhaps the beard traps ideas attempting to escape into the atmosphere? Or does the simple act of stroking one’s beard calm the body and nerves enough to allow for true free-flowing thought?

Once again, as a frequent shaver, I can only produce weak attempts at explaining this age old procurer of ruminations and revelations. My smooth-cheeked head can only determine one thing for sure — the philosophy beard is a mysterious and powerful thing, and its mystery is only exceeded by its power.