By now everyone has weighed in on tonight’s Grammy Awards, and everyone is probably already wrong. Instead of wasting time on predictions and trying to guess out who paid the most money to win will be honored with a golden sippy cup, as Jay Z recently put it, we’re gonna just pick sides and reveal who we want to win. Life’s not fair, so odds are none of the V’s home team will score any gramophones, but it makes this bloated shitshow all the more interesting. We do have our favorites, as our daily coverage suggests, and we need something to pass the time between certain train wreck performances by Madonna, AC/DC, and that Beatle.

So, here’s who we want to win in each Grammy category, and why. Follow along with us via twitter @vMichaelv and @Vanyaland617.

:: Song of the Year
“All About That Bass” / performed by Meghan Trainor
“Chandelier” / performed by Sia“Shake It Off” / performed by Taylor Swift
“Stay With Me (Darkchild Version) / performed by Sam Smith
“Take Me To Church” / performed by Hozier

V Verdict: Perhaps the weakest Song of the Year category in hiiiiiiiiistory, we’ll stick with Swift. And seriously we don’t know how Sia keeps getting included in this shit.

:: Best New Artist
Iggy Azalea
Bastille
Brandy Clark
HaimSam Smith

V Verdict: Fine, Sam Smith. He’s gotta win something, right, and we can’t let the modern Rick Astley take home gold for that one song of his.

V Verdict: We’ve been getting down to this… sick… beat… for months, and we aren’t changing our tune. Also WTF is up with the “live” versions showing up here? If we’re going to start featuring live performances then it’s time to bring Manowar into the conversation. Death to false industry circle-jerks.

V Verdict: We thought we’d be able to get on-board with “Fancy” here and show some love to our Song of the Summer (or was that “Boom Clap”?), but “Dark Horse” was the preferred jam of the Vanyaland 2014 road trip to Austin for SXSW and we believe wholeheartedly in that respected Super Bowl bump.

V Verdict: Another sad-ass category. Hard to give a shit here, but we’ll side with the Arctic Monkeys if only so Alex Turner can stumble through another speech about rock and roll like he did at last year’s BRIT Awards.

V Verdict: After years of campaigning, the Hockey Hall of Fame failed to induct three-time Staney Cup-winning coach Pat Burns before he died of cancer, and it was nothing short of a travesty. Let’s not pull that shit with Lemmy, who might not have much time left with us. And please for the love of God don’t let Tenacious D win.

:: Best Rock Song
“Ain’t It Fun” / performed by Paramore
“Blue Moon” / performed by Beck
“Fever” / performed by The Black Keys
“Gimme Something Good” / performed by Ryan Adams“Lazaretto” / performed by Jack White

:: Best Rap Song
“Anaconda” / performed by Nicki Minaj
“Bound 2” / performed by Kanye West & Charlie Wilson“I” / performed by Kendrick Lamar
“We Dem Boyz” / performed by Wiz Khalifa
“0 to 100/The Catch Up” / performed by Drake

V Verdict: Going with Iggy here just watch the world explode. It’s the first real Sunday without football, so we need some drama. Maybe we side with Wiz Khalifa after he suddenly became the second-most-famous Khalifa out there. Not even Johnny Sins saw that coming.

:: Best Country Song
“American Kids” / performed by Kenny Chesney
“Automatic” / performed by Miranda Lambert
“Give Me Back My Hometown” / performed by Eric Church“I’m Not Gonna Miss You” / performed by Glen Campbell
“Meanwhile Back At Mama’s” / Tim McGraw featuring Faith Hill

V Verdict: Not to be confused with the Best Rock Album category, this is Weird Al’s year, despite our local love for, and strong efforts from, Louis CK and Sarah Silverman.

:: Best Musical Theater AlbumAladdin / Original Broadway CastBeautiful: The Carole King Musical / Original Broadway CastA Gentleman’s Guide To Love & Murder / Original Broadway CastHedwig And The Angry Inch / Original Broadway CastWest Side Story / Cheyenne Jackson & Alexandra Silber With The San Francisco Symphony

V Verdict: When in doubt, go six inches forward and five inches back in the name of the mighty Hedwig.

:: Best Compilation Soundtrack For Visual MediaAmerican Hustle / Various ArtistsFrozen / Various ArtistsGet On Up: The James Brown Story / James BrownGuardians Of The Galaxy: Awesome Mix Vol. 1 / Various ArtistsThe Wolf Of Wall Street / Various Artists

:: Best Song Written For Visual Media“Everything is Awesome!!!” / Track from The Lego Movie / performed by Tegan and Sara featuring The Lonely Island
“I See Fire” / Track from The Hobbit: The Desolation Of Smaug / performed by Ed Sheeran
“I’m Not Gonna Miss You / Track from Glen Campbell…I’ll Be Me / performed by Glen Campbell
“Let It Go” / Track from Frozen / performed by Idina Menzel
“The Moon Song” / Track from Her / performed by Scarlett Johansson & Joaquin Phoenix

V Verdict: Now if it was the Northern Soul Girl version of the Happy video, we’d be willing to actually hear 15 seconds of that song again. But Arcade Fire’s video with Andrew Garfield in drag was pretty tight, and it make us think of Coachella, so rock out.