I’m FINE!

I have been struggling a lot lately. I have felt in limbo. Stuck, scared, stagnant…The past 3 years pressing down on me with unrelenting dominance and the future’s haunting unpredictability gnawing on my soul. Needing progress for answers but progress means closer to death. Quality over quantity. I get it, I really do, but I am frustrated!!!! I am tired! I am exhausted from trying to be stronger than I am! Feeling like shit from one degree to another on a daily basis. Nonstop life taxing treatments. Feeling buried under all the bullshit pink ribbons, feeling like my disease is ignored! De Novo at the age of 38. Angry that there is NO ESCAPE, except death, to fighting this disease everyday. Pissed off I lost my breast. Honestly, I wonder what the point is a lot of the time, fighting for life just for it to end!? This does not make sense in my brain! My children having too much knowledge about cancer for their ages and carrying around the burden of their sick mother. My husband having to deal with it all!! My sisters, family and friends…

Yeah yeah, we could all die tomorrow but here is the deal, I know how I am going to die! My death has hit me in the face and keeps backing up and charging forward again and again. It firmly reminds me everyday that I have no control and what will be will be.

I am going to be honest and admit to you all that I have been battling depression for the past while. I tried to ignore it. But it can not be ignored. I felt weak, weak that I was letting my disease take over. I hated how I felt. I had anxiety like crazy or the simplest things. I didn’t want to do anything and my anxiety would not let me. I was trapped and all I wanted to do was sleep and hide away from everything. I tried to hide it from my kids and husband, family and friends. Embarrassed by the fact that I was depressed. I did not want to admit it and I was terrified to say it out loud! But when I finally did, I cried and a tidal wave of emotion swept through my body and soul. That was the moment depression began to release it’s hold over me. Slowly I have started to feel better. Medication, of course was prescribed. But more than that I started to try and do things. A little yard work, grocery shopping on my own, a yoga session or 2. I started using my Valor essential oil again to help calm my mood and inspire me.

I am writing this post to let others know, it is OK. Don’t feel weak or defeated because you may have depression. Depression is serious and debilitating in so many ways. If you think you may be suffering, please please ask for help. I should not have denied and fought so long. I have missed out on living. You are not alone and help is here!! Talk with your doctor. Open up with communication and keep talking. Don’t let this rule your life any longer and begin living again! You are strong enough and you are loved!

5 thoughts on “I’m FINE!”

Fuck cancer and all the daily death reminders and everything we have to deal with – this sucks. I finally succumbed to depression myself as of this week. I am so sick and tired of this disease i do the “strength and wisdom” tango every day but if i hear one more person say “you look great though” I may start bringing water balloons in my purse and drenching then and saying wow you’re all wet but you look great though!

lol I would love to see that! Depression makes this disease harder, if that is even possible . Trying to focus on good things and finding the joy is so important, I am working hard to do that right now even with my new progression. I so agree, “You look great” and “just stay positive” can be almost a slap in the face to metsters. I have learned to take in a deep breath and say thanks! They are trying to come from a good place and I think of that also to help lessen the sting someone’s words can give. Hang tough Ilene!
Fuck cancer indeed!!! 😉 xo

The only way we can hang is tough. God my arms are tired from swinging on those vines every day. But all things being equal we get to meet virtually anyway, people who get what we deal with and when we desperately need another understanding living breathing soul – there you are.
And hey, you look great today! :)) lol I’m very sarcastic sorry.