Several weeks ago the guy I'd been dating for about a year suddenly dumped
me. Now, I'm not completely heartbroken, but I am puzzled. From the limited
amount of information he gave me, I seem to be hearing that he dumped me
because I am more "together" than he is. Now, I have never been
interested in how much money someone makes -- I have my own career and have
managed to keep my life going between divorces. And while I was pretty
destroyed by my second one, I managed to survive a major depression and move
on. But this thing about being too together -- I mean, what do these guys want?
I hear endless griping about women who only want to date guys who will spend
megabucks on them. Wine them, dine them, etc. only to be dumped by them later
when someone richer, taller, sexier, etc. comes along. So I try to contribute
as much as I can when we are going out -- sometimes I pay both of our way,
other times he pays. Or, we will split a check -- I try to get a feel for how
much they want to spend and plan with that in mind. I'm a professional with a
decent job. The guy I was dating is a blue collar guy and finally just dumped
me because I "argued with him all the time." Huh? I don't ever recall
having an argument with him at all. It is true, we had differing views on some
things and he seemed just as convinced that his were right for him as much as I
thought mine were right for me. But we never argued about these things, I never
got past telling him that I had a different opinion about something. Then he
would change the subject.

The feeling that I'm left with is that his basic insecurities wouldn't let
him continue to date someone who had basically gotten her act together. I own
my own house, car, and make about $40,000 / year. I got here by going to
college and dedicating myself to my career in my 20's and 30's (I'm now 47). I
never had any children. So that is also one less drain on my income. He, on the
other hand, has a son with a woman who didn't actually get around to telling
him about him until he was 2 years old and she wanted child support. He
regularly blasts this woman for "trapping" him by having this
illegitimate kid and then tracking him down and getting money from him. I have
some sympathy for him in this -- once she decided she wanted his money he
demanded a paternity test before agreeing to pay. Then when it proved that he
was, in fact, the father, the court made him pay back child support. They also
assessed him for her delinquent hospital bill, since she was on welfare during
the time that the kid was born. He has never seen his son; all he ever sees is
hospital bills because she uses the emergency room as the family physician. One
time, when he was 2 1/2 he got a bill because his son had a broken leg. Broken
leg? 2 1/2 years old? When I talked with him about it we both agreed that it
sounded like child abuse. ANYWAY, I have listened to his long discourses on
this whole situation and others the entire time we were dating. He, on the
other hand, has little or no interest in my problems or my life.

So after much babbling, my question is this: Why do relationships have to be
a contest? Why can't I date someone who maybe doesn't make as much money as I
do? Why can't men just accept me (and my income) and have a good time? This
isn't a competition -- I was really crazy about this guy the entire time we
dated, but he just couldn't take it that I was better off economically.
Otherwise we had a lot in common -- maybe not enough?

And another thing: I'm an interior designer. My house looks like, well, a
magazine. Mind you -- I did almost all the work myself because I couldn't
afford to hire tradesmen. I learned plumbing, electrical, painting, paper
hanging -- you name it. Enough trips to the hardware store and I can eventually
get a project finished. And since this is something I like doing and have
training to do the results are wonderful. But these guys seem to be intimidated
by my interior design! What am I supposed to do -- have a garage sale,
"trade down" for new furniture, paint the walls white and bring my
house to "early tract shack" in order to find true love?
Puh-leze.

So what now? Do I need to try to date men who are more on an even keel with
me financially? Ones who aren't afraid of women who paint their living room
walls and ceilings chinese red? Seriously -- do I need some kind of quiz to
give them? I have figured out that they shouldn't see my house until we've gone
out a few times. I need to build up to that gradually. I don't really care what
their place looks like -- I mean they're guys, for crying out loud. I do expect
it to be reasonably clean just as I expect them to be employed. But I KNOW that
if their living place looked like mine that they would either be gay or too
rich for my tastes. I just really like men that are down to earth, secure with
themselves and who have a pretty positive approach to life, the universe and
everything. Know what I mean? Whaddya think? Is this hopeless?

-- Donna

Dear Donna,

With all due respect, you're not that rich. In no way
do I mean to belittle your clear sturdiness and success, not to mention the
material and spiritual satisfaction that they seem to bring you. But -- no
matter where you cost-of-living is calculated -- in the big objective economic
scheme of things, $40,000 is not that much. Or at least not so much as to be
the stuff of intimidating first dates involving helicopters, private islands,
too many forks, etc.

So I'm thinking that this "intimidation"
thing may be all in your head -- or, more usefully put, all in your actions and
attitudes, not to mention your curtains. First of all, Blue Collar never
actually said the thing about your being "more together" than he, did
he? And even though, well, it sounds like you are, I also think you are working
it. You are a do-it-yourselfer, Donna, which I totally admire. The Martha/Bob
Villa in me would love nothing more than to, you know, build a trellis and to
spackle, like, everything. And I bet understanding the skills and wires and
pipes and beams makes you a better designer.

But I wonder whether, in relationships or on dates,
you also work around the Tradesman in question. Whether he feels like -- even
when he pays all or half -- it's because you've already done the math, made the
suggestion. Whether, at the end of the day, he feels like there's not much left
for him to do around there. Someone might tell you that guys need to feel that
they are taking some degree of care, of charge, of charge cards. Maybe. But
everyone, male and female, needs to know and feel that they are needed, handy,
difference-making. Not just on a tour of someone else's fabulous together
showroom life. This may be what's missing for you and yours.

So no, you do not have to date men of equal
salary/stature/whatever. But if you do not want to wander your big red rooms
alone, then you also do not have to date hapless guys for whom you appear to be
a stabilizing force, and then saying "there he goes again" if they
wind up feeling smaller than your sofa. You also, bottom line, should not have
to define your own security by ta-da-ing it to others. That above all, is
something you do yourself.