How Do You Grab Someone’s Attention?

When I did a somatic coaching course a few years ago, one of the exercises during the workshop consisted of literally grabbing someone else – by the arm – in order to get their attention.

“Whether we are acting in a designated leadership role, or simply taking the initiative in life, we need to get the attention of others throughout our day.”

As we worked on this, we were asked to pay attention to the question of how much is too much, and how little is too little. If I grab someone too hard, then I risk overwhelming them or putting them on the defensive, and if I don’t grab them hard enough, then I risk being ignored.

This question is a key territory for learning in the work I do with leaders. Whether we are acting in a designated leadership role, or simply taking the initiative in life, we need to get the attention of others throughout our day.

Listen to Me!

The exercise above focused primarily on the physical aspects of grabbing someone’s attention, but in our everyday life we grab others’ attention in all kinds of ways.

We make requests, for example, by speaking or by emails and gestures. We issue instructions or make interventions to make something happen or prevent something else from happening.

“The key aim is to get the other person to notice – to hear our request, for example, and to respond.”

This can be anything from asking our manager for a conversation, to calling out to stop a child from running out in front of a car, to bringing a staff member’s attention to some concern about their performance, or even when leading someone in tango.

Of course, the key aim is to get the other person to notice – to hear our request, for example, and to respond. This requires calibration.

Calibrating Your Technique

Make the grab too little and the other person might not even notice that we are trying to communicate with them – our requests go unnoticed; they don’t hear us; or, if they do hear us, they may not take us seriously. Make the grab too much, on the other hand, and we could alienate or overwhelm them or we might be dismissed as “too aggressive.”

We all tend to have a default style when it comes to trying to get someone else’s attention; we need to learn how to adapt to each situation in order to make the desired impact – there is no “one size fits all”.

Each situation, each conversation, requires a different approach.

“In any relationship, whether personal or professional, there is an ongoing need to calibrate, according to the situation, according to the context.”

How, for example, do you get the attention of your colleague to ask for their help on a project, or of your teenage child who’s ignoring your requests for help in the house, or of your team to address a crisis at work, or of someone you want to invite to a dinner date?

In each of those situations, it’s clear that there are different strengths of approaches needed. Not only that, but in any relationship, whether personal or professional, there is an ongoing need to calibrate, according to the situation, according to the context.

What worked today with your boss might not work tomorrow, for example. You might greet a friend with enthusiasm, only to notice her crest-fallen face, and need to adapt your approach.

Using Intuition to Dance

A way to look at this is to see each step in each conversation as an opportunity to calibrate, to be present to the question, “How little is too little, and how much is too much?”—not in a mechanical way, but more in the sense of being present to the conversation and to the other person, so that you are able to “dance” with them and “know” the right level of approach at an almost intuitive level.

Like anything else – like the tango, for example – at the beginning this may feel mechanical until we are more practiced in it.

Center Yourself, Find Your Balance

One of the ways to support this practice is by centering. When we come from a centered place, it’s much easier for calibrate and know how little or how much is needed, rather than just operating from our default style, or from our eagerness to get the point across or our concerns that we won’t be listened to.

Here are some reflections that might help you explore this for yourself:

What is your default tendency? What impact does this have on others – do you find people backing away? Not hearing you? Responding?

What conversations have you had recently where you might have been “too much” or “too little?” What was the cost to you or to the other person?

What conversations do you need to have this week? How can you make yourself more available for connection by centering and calibration?

There is nothing to “get right,” only consistent practice and learning about yourself and about how you show up in your business or personal relationships, consistently checking in whether you are being too little or too much in each interaction in the conversation.

“The vast majority of U.S. workers are not reaching their full potential.”

“The vast majority of U.S. workers are not reaching their full potential,” the report said.

The cost of our workplace frustration isn’t just measured in hours or days or weeks lost — we’re also the vitality of our self, the power of our dreams and the inspiration of fulfillment. We’re not reaching our full potential. We’re paying a heavy price, but we don’t have to.

Dream Big

Let’s image this week you found the magic key to having a fulfilling career. You’d have 2,800 hours every year to do something you’d love.

The statistics show you’d be more productive at work, you’d be more happy at home and you’d be more fulfilled in life.

If you don’t think it’s possible, Kathy Caprino knows how you feel. She spent 50,000 hours stuck in jobs in which she didn’t enjoy true fulfillment.

“Everyday I ask that question: How can I help? If I can help one other person a day, it’s a beautiful day.”

She decided to make a change. She went from disengaged to engaged, from joyless to joyful. She went from feeling helpless to wanting to help.

“Now as a speaker and a writer and a leadership trainer, my work is helping women step up to their highest potential,” Kathy said. “Everyday I ask that question: How can help? If I can help one other person a day, it’s a beautiful day.”

The Amazing Career Project

Your beautiful day is less than two days away.

This week Kathy launched the Amazing Career Project, a 16-week course through which will help you to break through to your most joyful life, and more success and reward than you thought possible.

Women who build rewarding, lucrative careers based on their authentic passions and talents, are happier at home, more successful at work, and more impactful in the world — that’s straight from Kathy’s Amazing Career workshop.

“Women who build rewarding, lucrative careers based on their authentic passions and talents, are happier at home, more successful at work, and more impactful in the world”

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Why Kathy Caprino?

Each phase of the Amazing Career Project gives you actionable, clear direction based on Kathy’s personal experiences as a woman working in corporate America for 18 years. She shares her own struggles with you as well as the steps she took to pull herself out of her unfulfilling career and find her new workplace bliss.

She’s now a successful women’s career coach and writer. Her wisdom and insight have appeared in USA Today, The Huffington Post, MSNBC and Forbes.

Kathy is also the author of “Breakdown, Breakthrough: The Professional Woman’s Guide to Claiming a Life of Passion, Power and Purpose.” The book helps women break through disempowerment and leads them to a meaningful, positive and productive work life.

Kathy Caprino is one of many coaches who’ve donated their time and expertise to Goaly’s free, step-by-step video strategies for personal development. Kathy is an expert in helping women achieve career success and bliss.

Today, Kathy is sharing with us a post she wrote for Forbes titled “7 Crippling Parenting Behaviors That Keep Children From Growing Into Leaders”. The article has been read around 7 million times ; it’s a must for any parent. Enjoy!

While I spend my professional time now as a career success coach, writer, and leadership trainer, I was a marriage and family therapist in my past, and worked for several years with couples, families, and children. Through that experience, I witnessed a very wide array of both functional and dysfunctional parenting behaviors.

As a parent myself, I’ve learned that all the wisdom and love in the world doesn’t necessarily protect you from parenting in ways that hold your children back from thriving, gaining independence and becoming the leaders they have the potential to be.

I was intrigued, then, to catch up with leadership expert Dr. Tim Elmore and learn more about how we as parents are failing our children today — coddling and crippling them — and keeping them from becoming leaders they are destined to be.

Tim had this to share about the 7 damaging parenting behaviors that keep children from becoming leaders – of their own lives and of the world’s enterprises:

1. We don’t let our children experience risk

We live in a world that warns us of danger at every turn. The “safety first” preoccupation enforces our fear of losing our kids, so we do everything we can to protect them. It’s our job after all, but we have insulated them from healthy risk-taking behavior and it’s had an adverse effect.

Psychologists in Europe have discovered that if a child doesn’t play outside and is never allowed to experience a skinned knee, they frequently have phobias as adults.

The “safety first” preoccupation enforces our fear of losing our kids, so we do everything we can to protect them.

Kids need to fall a few times to learn it’s normal; teens likely need to break up with a boyfriend or girlfriend to appreciate the emotional maturity that lasting relationships require. If parents remove risk from children’s lives, we will likely experience high arrogance and low self-esteem in our growing leaders.

2. We rescue too quickly

Today’s generation of young people has not developed some of the life skills kids did 30 years ago because adults swoop in and take care of problems for them. When we rescue too quickly and over-indulge our children with “assistance,” we remove the need for them to navigate hardships and solve problems on their own.

Today’s generation of young people has not developed some of the life skills kids did 30 years ago because adults swoop in and take care of problems for them.

It’s parenting for the short-term and it sorely misses the point of leadership—to equip our young people to do it without help. Sooner or later, kids get used to someone rescuing them: “If I fail or fall short, an adult will smooth things over and remove any consequences for my misconduct.”

When in reality, this isn’t even remotely close to how the world works, and therefore it disables our kids from becoming competent adults.

3. We rave too easily

The self-esteem movement has been around since Baby Boomers were kids, but it took root in our school systems in the 1980s. Attend a little league baseball game and you’ll see that everyone is a winner.

This “everyone-gets-a-trophy” mentality might make our kids feel special, but research is now indicating this method has unintended consequences. Kids eventually observe that Mom and Dad are the only ones who think they’re awesome when no one else is saying it. They begin to doubt the objectivity of their parents; it feels good in the moment, but it’s not connected to reality.

This “everyone-gets-a-trophy” mentality might make our kids feel special, but research is now indicating this method has unintended consequences.

When we rave too easily and disregard poor behavior, children eventually learn to cheat, exaggerate and lie and to avoid difficult reality. They have not been conditioned to face it.

4. We let guilt get in the way of leading well

Your child does not have to love you every minute. Your kids will get over the disappointment, but they won’t get over the effects of being spoiled. So tell them “no” or “not now,” and let them fight for what they really value and need.

As parents, we tend to give them what they want when rewarding our children, especially with multiple kids. When one does well in something, we feel it’s unfair to praise and reward that one and not the other. This is unrealistic and misses an opportunity to enforce the point to our kids that success is dependent upon our own actions and good deeds.

Be careful not to teach them a good grade is rewarded by a trip to the mall. If your relationship is based on material rewards, kids will experience neither intrinsic motivation nor unconditional love.

5. We don’t share our past mistakes

Healthy teens are going to want to spread their wings and they’ll need to try things on their own.

We as adults must let them, but that doesn’t mean we can’t help them navigate these waters. Share with them the relevant mistakes you made when you were their age in a way that helps them learn to make good choices. (Avoid negative “lessons learned” having to do with smoking, alcohol, illegal drugs, etc.)

Also, kids must prepare to encounter slip-ups and face the consequences of their decisions. Share how you felt when you faced a similar experience.

Also, kids must prepare to encounter slip-ups and face the consequences of their decisions. Share how you felt when you faced a similar experience, what drove your actions, and the resulting lessons learned. Because we’re not the only influence on our kids, we must be the best influence.

6. We mistake intelligence, giftedness and influence for maturity

Intelligence is often used as a measurement of a child’s maturity, and as a result parents assume an intelligent child is ready for the world. That’s not the case.

Some professional athletes and Hollywood starlets, for example, possess unimaginable talent, but still get caught in a public scandal.

Intelligence is often used as a measurement of a child’s maturity, and as a result parents assume an intelligent child is ready for the world. That’s not the case.

Just because giftedness is present in one aspect of a child’s life, don’t assume it pervades all areas.

There is no magic “age of responsibility” or a proven guide as to when a child should be given specific freedoms, but a good rule of thumb is to observe other children the same age as yours. If you notice that they are doing more themselves than your child does, you may be delaying your child’s independence.

7. We don’t practice what we preach

As parents, it is our responsibility to model the life we want our children to live. To help them lead a life of character and become dependable and accountable for their words and actions.

As the leaders of our homes, we can start by only speaking honest words – white lies will surface and slowly erode character.

As the leaders of our homes, we can start by only speaking honest words – white lies will surface and slowly erode character. Watch yourself in the little ethical choices that others might notice, because your kids will notice too. If you don’t cut corners, for example, they will know it’s not acceptable for them to either.

Show your kids what it means to give selflessly and joyfully by volunteering for a service project or with a community group. Leave people and places better than you found them, and your kids will take note and do the same.

Fear and Lack of Understanding

Why do parents engage in these behaviors (what are they afraid of if they don’t)? Do these behaviors come from fear or from poor understanding of what strong parenting (with good boundaries) is? Tim has some great answers for us:

“I think both fear and lack of understanding play a role here, but it leads with the fact that each generation of parents is usually compensating for something the previous generation did. The primary adults in kids’ lives today have focused on now rather thanlater. It’s about their happiness today not their readiness tomorrow. I suspect it’s a reaction.

The primary adults in kids’ lives today have focused onnow rather than later. It’s about their happiness today not their readiness tomorrow.

Many parents today had Moms and Dads who were all about getting ready for tomorrow: saving money, not spending it, and getting ready for retirement. In response, many of us bought into the message: embrace the moment. You deserve it. Enjoy today. And we did.

For many, it resulted in credit card debt and the inability to delay gratification. This may be the crux of our challenge. The truth is, parents who are able to focus on tomorrow, not just today, produce better results.”

How can parents move away from these negative behaviors (without having to hire a family therapist to help)?

Tim says: “It’s important for parents to become exceedingly self-aware of their words and actions when interacting with their children, or with others when their children are nearby. Care enough to train them, not merely treat them to a good life. Coach them, more than coddle. “

“Coaching can be an intimidating world for parents. Here’s a few tips on how to coach well:

1. Talk over the issues you wish you would’ve known about adulthood.

2. Allow them to attempt things that stretch them and even let them fail.

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