YELLING MYTHS AT THE INTERNET

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WHO WRITES THIS SHIT?!

Me
I am the guy who writes this shit
here are some facts about myself:

Height: tallest
Age: handsome
Weight: what
Favorite Drink: milk
Favorite Color: also milk
Likes: Myths, myths about myths, mythical myths, milk
Dislikes: birds. who the fuck do they think they are?
they are like pinatas but with no fucking strings
where am i supposed to hang my pinata if it doesn’t have a fucking string?
birds: nature’s answer to fun?
SERIOUSLY
I am not a big fan of any animal that can shit directly into my hair
I guess most animals can do it
but usually they have to like go out of their way to do it
birds? nope
they just fire away
also they make sounds and bring joy to children
I am sick to death of birds
When was the last time a bird made a house for YOU?
HUH?
RIDDLE ME THAT!
I DON’T EVEN HAVE A HOUSE
not to mention bird baths
HELLO BIRDS YOU DONT NEED TO TAKE BATHS YOU ARE FILTHY ANIMALS
HAVE YOU FUCKING SEEN WOODPECKERS?
TELL ME that shit isn’t sinister
i saw one of those things drill a hole in a baby’s head
lay a whole bunch of eggs in there
just like that
they’re in league with the trees
they talk to them using morse code
fucking trees man
don’t even get me STARTED on trees
they’re like the icebergs of the land
except like
if your boat hits an iceberg
that is like part of standard operating procedure for boats
whereas if your boat hits a tree
SHIT IS THOROUGHLY OUT OF CONTROL
that makes trees like SIX THOUSAND TIMES WORSE than ice bergs
and one of those fuckers sunk the titanic
you see what I’m getting at here?
basically
fuck birds

I am in complete agreement of this assumption, since first reading your story. Holy shitballs, uncanny as hell.

This is a compliment of course, as Dave Strider’s literary squirreling, like yours, is fresh as pesto, (the fresh kind of pesto, made by real chefs, not that older, yet still pretty tasty jarred pesto.) and twice as slick.

My doctorate is in Old Norse religion. I read your Norse creation story and your rendition of Hymiskvidha, and just about fell off my chair laughing. You’re brilliant! I am rationing further visits to this site to one a day, lest I implode and die from excessive laughter.

True, but not as tragic as the Hindenburg, when Otarr, the invisible (and quite lonely) Dragon, decided that after years of being bored as shit, “Fuck it, I’m lighting this bitch.” Truly a mournful day.

Awesome. Just when I thought I was going to read facts, I get stabbed in the funny bone. It happens every time I visit this gods-forsaken (Norse, Greek, Egyptian, you name it) site. They don’t want anything as funny as this, apparently. Except maybe Loki… or Hermes. Point is, you manage to be funny, even when writing about how much you hate something I love, congratulations

That’s really only one theory, based mostly on the whole hollow bones thing. It’s like saying that an elephant is the same as a wizard horse because they have the same genetic ancestry. Also most dinosaurs were big enough to lay their loads on the average human skull without any extra effort. So I guess my point is, don’t lose respect for a guy who doesn’t like your shitty relatives, especially when all you share in common is being really fragile and the ability to poop in inconvenient ways?

I also miss the icon of the guy who will do unspeakable things for money but I really miss the good old days at the Fly where me and this tall, goofy, no shoe wearing fool played with fire and knives and took the term “bullshitting” or “shootin da shit” to a wholenother level.
and fuck birds, all high and mighty, shitting on people and flying away because they can, knowing we cant chase them. That’s why we invented guns right? thought so.
I dont know about trees though. I think they could have destroyed us all a long time ago if they wanted to or did they just keep us around to fuck with us for their own sick pleasure. I bet they get all green(with envy) when they seeing us walking around cuz we have legs that enable mobility and such Sooooooooo HAHA leafy Bitches, I guess evolution likes us better.

I am an English teacher, and one of the classes I teach is World Mythology. Trying to convince college freshmen that mythology is a good idea and not just a class to sleep through blows. Could I please use a few of your re-tellings in class? I would have to edit out the shitty fucking damns. Is that okay? Of course, I would give you credit. Thanks.

I really wanted to read what you were saying. some of it was funny as hell, but your like of punctuation caused my eyes to bleed. I kept trying to read anyway since I could see this was good stuff, but when my hemorrhoids lead a mutiny and recruited my colon as their leader I decided I had to stop reading. Seriously, punctuation. I need commas, periods and paragraph structure. That is the only reason I stopped reading.

Ok, for the author:
I have read a lot of your works and I simply think they are awesome. So I’ve got an idea. I would like to make a tumblr blog in which I would translate your writings into spanish, my mother language. I will post a link in every text I translate to the original work, apart from a link in the blogs description to the home page, and you will be known inside the spanish community. So, what do you think?

I got your book, and i go to a military academy so it really lightes the mood man! Shit is funny as hell! I had the better part of my company (61 cadets) on the ground (not exaggerating) laughing with some of the lines. The best one was the one about blowing your dick off from pure wonderment. In all seriousness though, thanks a million for writing such a funny book. Neer have i read a book where i chuckle every page.