Friday, November 30, 2007

Jim, Aberdeen, SDSubj: The greatest team of all timeHey Ryan, could the Harlem Globetrotters beat an NBA team?

Absolutely, Slim Jim. Although most observers dismiss the Globetrotters as being a bunch of oversized clowns, it’s important to remember that their roster has included basketball royalty like Wilt Chamberlain, Connie Hawkins and Meadowlark Lemon. While the Trotters have traditionally beaten up on patsies like the Washington Generals, they have also fared well against real competition like the world champion Minneapolis Lakers, whom they beat twice in two exhibition games in 1948 and 1949. Granted, they’d have their hands full against today’s Lakers, but you can never underestimate how a well-timed bucket of confetti can disrupt a team’s rhythm.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like NASCAR and feathered mullets. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about Gilbert Arenas' blog, Hank Aaron's early struggles and the best golfer in U.S. Presidential history. Read all about it at: http://msn.foxsports.com/other/story/7501428

Monday, November 26, 2007

Ricky Williams has put a book on his life story on hold. No surprise there. The Dolphins running back can’t even read a piece of paper without trying to roll it afterwards.

Tom Lasorda, Vin Scully and other Dodgers greats will ride on the team's first-ever float in the Rose Bowl Parade. The float will contain extra fuel since the Dodgers always seem to run out of gas right at the end.

Washington Wizards guard Gilbert Arenas underwent two different surgical procedures on his left knee and will miss about three months. Unfortunately for the NBA, his typing hand still appears to be in tiptop shape.

Alabama coach Nick Saban has been criticized for comparing the horror of Crimson Tide's loss against La.-Monroe to Pearl Harbor. In his defense, he was referring to the movie, not the historical event.

Rapper Lil' Romeo has signed a letter of intent to play basketball at USC. If it prevents him from making music we’re all for it.

The NBDL began its seventh season this week. No one is quite sure why.

Japan's Mizuki Noguchi will wear a pair of shoes made of rice husks in her bid to win a second straight Olympic marathon gold in Beijing. The 29-year-old hopes her footwear will help reduce the temperature of her feet while also remaining far fresher than the previous shoes she wore made out of veal cutlets.

LaDainian Tomlinson has become the 23rd player in NFL history with more than 10,000 yards rushing. Ironically he could have reached the milestone in half the time if he simply played against the Chargers rather than for them.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

You have a point, Robert. Given Bradley’s quiet demeanor, his picture is far more likely to appear on the back of a milk cartoon than on the front of a box of Wheaties. According to the Salt Lake Tribune, this former Dallas Maverick is currently working as a vice principal and counselor at Utah’s West Ridge Academy, a non-profit school that specializes in helping boys and girls with a variety of challenges. "Shawn has a great presence - due to his size - and has immediate credibility with the kids," says Ken Allen, the school’s executive director. "He is a great example of someone who has worked hard and been very successful.” Although “The Mormon Mantis” doesn’t have a teaching degree, his 12 years in the NBA have given him the perfect foundation for dealing with delinquents with ADHD, ADD and anger management issues.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like O.J. Simpson and legal fees. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about the last NHL goalie to play without a mask, the evolution of the football and Mel Blount's thriving second career. Read all about it at: http://msn.foxsports.com/other/story/7475480

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Feast your eyes on the latest illustration from my good friend and fellow collaborator Harrison Wheeler. Harrison is an accomplished cartoonist living in Hamilton, Ontario and his superb sports and entertainment-themed cartoons will be gracing this site regularly in the months to come. If you would like to see more of Harrison’s excellent work please visit his blog at: http://www.jesterinjapan.blogspot.com/

Monday, November 19, 2007

The New York Knicks received some good news and some bad news this week regarding combustible point guard Stephon Marbury. The good news is that Marbury is back with the team. The bad news is that Marbury is back with the team.

The University of Alabama is looking into acquiring a live elephant for its football game day festivities. Baring that, they’ll simply see if John Daly is available.

Dick Pound has announced he’s stepping down as president of the World Anti-Doping Agency. Although a replacement has yet to be found the organization is currently leaning towards either Lance Cox or Lexington Boner.

New York Knicks radio announcer Gus Johnson was recently criticized for clapping every time New York scored a basket in a game against the Clippers. We’re not sure what’s more shameful: the fact that he has no objectivity or the fact that he’s a Knicks fan.

Alex Rodriguez and the New York Yankees have agreed to the outline of a 10-year, $275 million contract. Although it may sound expensive, the Yankees were willing to do anything to avoid dealing with Scott Boras for a full decade.

Barry Bonds has been indicted for perjury and obstruction of justice and is scheduled to appear in court on December 7th. Now comes the fun part: seeing if his head can actually fit into a mug shot.

The Boston Red Sox have announced that ticket prices at Fenway Park will jump 9 percent next season. Unfortunately the ticket increase isn’t steep enough to prevent Ben Affleck from still attending games.

The NFL has sent the Jaguars a memo reminding them their team mascot Jaxson de Ville isn't supposed to be in the 6-foot white border surrounding the field. The memo officially squashes the team’s plans of using the giant plushy jaguar on third and long situations.

Hall of Fame pitchers Jim Palmer and Dennis Eckersley were spotted dining at a ritzy restaurant in North Palm Beach. The pair shared a 12-ounce sirloin steak, which Palmer began and Eckersley finished.

Redskins owner Dan Snyder was spotted with five security guards before a recent home game. You know you’re in for a long season when your owner receives better protection than your quarterback.

Former NFL coach Denny Green recently had an audience with Pope Benedict XVI at the Vatican in Rome. It’s fitting that the two men finally got to meet since they’ve spent most of their careers surrounded by cardinals.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Dwight, Frankfort, IndianaSubj: Put 'em upWhat is the longest boxing match in history and who was involved?

The world’s longest pugilistic contest took place April 6, 1893 in New Orleans between Andy Bowen and “Texas” Jack Burke. The two men took turns beating the snot out of each other for 7 hours and 19 minutes before the match was finally declared a “no contest” when both fighters were unable to emerge from their respective corners. Burke never fought again and Bowen died on December 14th of the following year after striking his head on the floor in a match against George "Kid" Lavigne. All things considered, it makes Mike Tyson’s ear chomp seem almost humane.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like Tom Brady and swooning women. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about the history of the rally cap, which sport has the world's most physically fit athletes and the identity of Verizon's omnipresent "Test Man." Read all about it at: http://msn.foxsports.com/other/story/7449884

Monday, November 12, 2007

Brett Favre admitted to being woozy, confused and disoriented after taking an elbow to the head in Green Bay’s 34-0 victory against Minnesota. Now he knows how Terry Bradshaw feels every day of his life.

A local real estate magnate remains poised to buy the Minnesota Timberwolves if they become available. He must really love amateur athletics.

The NFL plans to keep about 70% of U.S. households from being able to see the New England Patriot’s final match by restricting the broadcast to its own cable channel. Luckily for fans, Bill Belichick will be taping the game.

The Philadelphia Phillies acquired closer Brad Lidge and infielder Eric Bruntlett from the Astros for three players. The deal was completed so quickly that Scott Boras didn’t even have the chance to interrupt it with an announcement about Alex Rodriguez.

Dallas center Mike Modano broke Phil Housley's NHL record for career points by an American-born player. Sadly, being the best American hockey player is almost as worthless as having the best tan in a leper colony.

A new study has shown that NCAA football games are 3:21 longer than they were a year before. Notre Dame has offered to speed things up by simply punting on the first down.

A new study has shown that having an enlarged heart is the biggest cause of sudden death among young athletes. Luckily that shouldn’t affect anyone on the Miami Dolphins since they’ve repeatedly shown that they have no heart at all.

Baseball general managers have decided that first- and third-base coaches will wear some sort of head protection during games next season. Where was this rule when Don Zimmer really needed it?

Sam Hornish Jr. has announced he’ll be moving to NASCAR in 2008. The three-time Indy Car Series champ is expected to spend the next two months living in a trailer and dating his sister so he’ll truly be prepared for the experience.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

If you’re looking for a little good wood you’d be well advised to check out the Louisville Slugger Museum & Factory. Located on 800 West Main Street in Louisville, Kentucky, this baseball lover’s paradise is home to a 120-foot high steel behemoth that the company claims is an exact-scale replica of Babe Ruth's famous 34-inch bat. At 68,000 lbs. it’s the second heaviest thing in baseball next to Barry Bonds’ head!

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Hi Gang,Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like football and tailgating. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about baseball's most overpriced superstars, Reggie Jackson's first run-in with a professional scout and Bill Belichick's unrelenting drive to the Super Bowl. Read all about it at: http://msn.foxsports.com/other/story/7419684

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

I’m very pleased to introduce a new animated feature courtesy of my good friend and fellow collaborator Harrison Wheeler. Harrison is an accomplished cartoonist living in Hamilton, Ontario and his superb sports and entertainment-themed cartoons will be gracing this site regularly in the months to come. If you would like to see more of Harrison’s excellent work please visit his blog at: http://www.jesterinjapan.blogspot.com/

Monday, November 5, 2007

Actress Katie Holmes ran the New York City Marathon on Sunday in 5 hours, 29 minutes and 58 seconds. She likely could have posted a better time if Tom Cruise hadn’t forced her to hand out scientology pamphlets along the way.

Sammy Sosa wants to play in the Major Leagues next year, provided a team offers him a contract for at least $7 million. Apparently cork is more expensive than it looks.

Detroit quarterback Jon Kitna dressed up as a naked man for a teammate's Halloween party last week. It was an appropriate choice since he’s been exposing his shortcomings all season long.

The last ball from Boston's 2007 World Series victory has mysteriously gone missing. Sources close to Doug Mientkiewicz report that the veteran first baseman is already working on his alibi.

Boston knuckleballer Tim Wakefield expects to undergo an arthrogram on his right shoulder this week. On the positive side, Wakefield is probably the only pitcher in the league who could be confined to an iron lung and still make 35 starts.

Los Angeles forward Lamar Odom sustained a slight concussion in an automobile accident. The force of the crash was reportedly so severe that Odom is now convinced the Lakers have a shot at the championship.

NBA commissioner David Stern has said that the Knicks are "not a model of intelligent management." Isn’t that a little bit like saying “Michael Jackson is not a good babysitter”?

San Francisco 49ers kicker Joe Nedney has been fined $7,500 for giving the finger to a group of fans in New Orleans. You have to love a city where flashing your breasts will get you a handful of beads but flipping the bird will get you a massive fine.

A judge who sentenced Philadelphia Eagles coach Andy Reid's sons to jail likened the coach's home to "a drug emporium." In related news, former runningback Ricky Williams has asked if he can come over for the weekend.

Lakers owner Jerry Buss has been suspended two games and fined $25,000 by the NBA for his drunk driving charge. In his defense, paying Vladimir Radmanovic $5 million a season would drive anyone to drink.

Spanish researchers say that beer is better than water for re-hydrating after a hard workout. That certainly explains how John Daly managed to win the 1991 PGA Championship.

Yankees manager Joe Girardi has revealed that he will wear No. 27. The number has special significance since it represents the number of players on his roster who will be making more money than he is.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

Josh, Valparaiso, INSubj: Brian UrlacherWhy is it, year after year, Brian Urlacher is considered an over rated player? The guy is obviously a team leader, and is always on top of the ball. I just don't get it.

Neither does his coach, Brian. According to Lovie Smith, "He's one of the best players in the National Football League. I thought that before I got here; I'm totally convinced of it now that I am here. I'll challenge anybody who says anything different." Although I don’t want to get in a bout of fisticuffs with Poppa Bear, Urlacher’s problem could have to do with overexposure. Despite the fact that he’s a five-time Pro Bowler, this “Monster of the Midway” has built up an impossibly big profile due to his endorsements for McDonald’s, Sega, Domino’s Pizza and Campbell’s Chunky Soup. Nike hardly helped matters when they mythologized him in a series of over-the-top ads. Quite frankly, how can anyone live up to that kind of hype? Urlacher’s distracters also criticize him for struggling to elude bigger blockers and sometimes disappearing on the field. Of course, how any one 6’4” and 258 lbs. can disappear is beyond me.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Hi Gang,Welcome back for another edition of Ask Ryan, the column where sports and entertainment go together like champagne showers and swimming goggles. This week's mailbag is bursting at the seams with queries about the greatest quarterback of all time, the lost art of the drop kick and the wickedly warped wisdom of Yogi Berra. Read all about it at: http://msn.foxsports.com/other/story/7397364

About Me

Ryan Murphy's humorous articles and sports-themed jokes have appeared on more than 170 radio stations and 40 newspapers across the U.S. and Canada. He recognizes that life is hard and that's why he's here to help. Send in some questions and he'll offer some advice. On anything. Well, almost anything.