SAN FRANCISCO—Placing the Facebook founder under arrest after he briefly attempted to flee, San Francisco police busted a filthy, unshaven Mark Zuckerberg in the early hours of the morning Tuesday for trying to sell his personal data on a street corner. “Here, if anyone wants my browsing data, my search history, my credit card number, anything—I’m selling it cheap. Anyone?” said Zuckerberg, who attempted to thrust USB drives with his personal data into the hands of passersby, disgusting San Franciscans with his ripped hoodie, crazed look, and foul odor before attracting the attention of law enforcement. “Please, God, I need money bad. Anyone want to buy a drive for five bucks? It’s got my Social Security number, my entire purchase history, and compromising pictures of me. Anybody? Who wants some of my content? It’s been all downhill for me since Onion Social launched. I’ve lost everything. Everything. I’m begging anyone, please—my personal data is all I have left.” At press time, Zuckerberg had been charged with solicitation and booked at SFPD headquarters.

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