Presidential candidate and constant receiver/transmitter of static electricity Bernie Sanders recently gave a speech in Portland during which a tiny bird landed on his podium. This was a small, cute incident with no political significance.

The voter turnout rate for young adults is staggeringly low. It would appear that millennials would rather “turn up” than “turn out.” However, students who did cast their ballots reported to have their motivations split between performing their civic duty and wanting to feel morally superior to others.

Despite major losses on Super Tuesday and a general underperformance throughout the primary season thus far, one FSU student and member of the Progress Coalition has stated she believes Bernie can still win the primary.

On Saturday, February 20th, a Donald Trump victory in S.C. coupled with a single-digit performance led Jeb(!) Bush to suspend his campaign indefinitely. Governor Bush was able to maintain poise during his concession speech, but upon returning home to the Bush family residence, witnesses say Jeb(!) rushed to his room yelling that he did not want to discuss what had just occurred and then slammed his door before flopping onto his racecar bed with his head buried face-down in a pillow.

Following the death of Supreme Court Justice and world-renowned bigot Antonin Scalia, the American public awaits the appointment of a new judge who will take the vacant spot in the nation’s highest court.

As any true American knows, one of the finest features of the land of the free was demonstrated this morning, when early stages of this nation’s fate were decided. However, this year was slightly different. Millions of individuals from either side of the argument came together to determine the outcome of this crucial day in American history, and the decision came down to the wire.

In the wake of the tragic terrorist attacks in Paris, the French Red Cross is refuting the overwhelmingly popular consensus that putting filters on profile pictures or tweeting about how sad you are about the tragedy with the hashtag “#PrayForParis” actually helps support Parisians in need.

Despite overarching, seemingly obvious evidence that granting people more access to firearms increases the chance of being shot, as well as a less-than-year-old shooting on the FSU campus, the Florida Senate and House of Representatives are well on their way to voting in favor of HB 4001, more cutely known as campus carry.

Following his announcement that he will not be seeking the presidency in 2016, Could’ve-Been-Should’ve-Been President Joe Biden delivered an eloquent speech from the Rose Garden this afternoon about the importance of middle class-growth, LGBT rights, women’s rights, the abolishment of systematic racism and pretty much everything else you would want a presidential candidate to say.

Following CNN’s three-hour televised reminder that Hillary Clinton is running for president and is in fact a woman and that Bernie Sanders probably invented the phrase ‘fuhgeddaboudit,’ few questions were left unanswered. Among the few was one from most-improved-debate-participant Lincoln Chafee, who wondered, “Who invited Anderson 'Big Ol’ Bully' Cooper to the sleepover?”

Boston College started this week with a chip on their shoulder leading up to Friday’s game against Florida State, knowing that win or lose, the Jesuit college would still have the head of the Catholic Church on their side. Unfortunately for them, Pope Francis announced this morning that while he does believe in climate change, he does not believe in the Eagles’ ability to beat Florida State.

Jeremy Paisley Jr., CEO of the successful educational publishing company Paisley-Nill, started this week off with a real case of the Mondays; still hung over from partying it up with his old Dartmouth buddies in the Hampton’s at their annual pre-Labor Day “All White Everything” event.*

After last night’s bloody Game of Thrones finale, local alumni and currently unemployed person Jeremy Goldberg has found himself facing hardship matched perhaps only by the challenge of being a Stark or a woman in Westeros.