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Being OK with Singleness

Becoming single again continues to be an evolutionary process. For me, the “again” part was about 35 years ago. So now at age 60, my experience as a single adult never did have a chance to mature. And since I’m only going into month number 3 of separation, I realize that I’m still at the very beginning of a phase that I never really experienced.

What I have experienced is the yearning to have a partner to go through life with; I’ve experienced the hopefulness of finding someone willing to say “I do” – three times. I’ve experienced the heartbreak and pain of having that hopefulness dashed, and having three someones say “I don’t anymore”.

Each time had a wonderfully exciting beginning, an oppressively declining middle period, and a traumatic ending with varying versions of post traumatic after-effects for a very long time afterward.

I guess you could say that it’s been a life-long search for happiness. I’m beginning to realize that the searching should have started from within, and that without that foundation of personal understanding, happiness from without just ain’t gonna happen.

I had a phone conversation with my most recent ex the other day on various financial “bidniz” matters, and at the end she threw in the obligatory how-are-you-doing-although-I-don’t-really-care comment. I told her I had the intention to change my will after the divorce was completed, and that I wanted her to know that if she heard I was getting married again, to please buy a big handgun like the one she owned when we lived out on the land in Alaska and shoot me. My will would state that it was not murder, but rather an act of assisted suicide.

I thought I heard her chuckle. Or maybe it was a gasp. At any rate, the conversation ended shortly thereafter.

Getting to be truly OK and well-adjusted as a single person is gonna take some time. But I’m in the perfect situation to work on it now.