"Testing to see whether or not Bea Arthur is actually dead."--Jon Hotchkiss (similarly, but the body is Strom Thurmond, Tim Carvell, Chris Thomas, Bill Gamble, and Norman Oder; the body is generic, Charlie Smith; the body is late Wise Man Clark Clifford, Adam Bonin)

"Selecting Supreme Court justices."--David Rakoff

"Selecting the new Miss America."--Chris Thomas

"Selecting astronauts (John Glenn just made it under the old method)."--Jennifer Miller

"Making friendly with the natives in exotic ports of call, according to an outdated yet thoroughly enticing Carnival Cruise Lines travel brochure."--Deb Stavin

"Have An Adulterous Cigar, Paula?"--Scott Davis

"Determining whether interns are fresh and pert enough to serve in the West Wing."--Tim Carvell (similarly, John Snell and Charlie Glassenberg)

"Hiring Aged And Crotchety Prudes, the new federal guidelines for hiring interns."--Todd Kaderabek

"C'mon, this is too obvious. How do you NOT make a joke here about solving elliptic equations?"--Tim Rogers

"A secret signal used by members of the group Hatred At Ann Coulter's Posturing. The signal used to be a sharp poke in the ribs and an audible sniff whenever Coulter made a pretentious statement, but members became too easily identifiable by severely bruised ribs. (Of course, the new signal is a secret, so I can't reveal it ... wink, wink.)"--Judith Spencer

"Choosing altar boys."--Jennifer Miller

"Determining need for low-income housing."--Dennis Cass

"Keeping bad fish from hurting innocent people. Now, did you really want to say the Hazard Analysis Critical Control Point program over and over? The government is your friend. We just want to help. Trust us."--Kate Wing

"Method of breeding dogs. The new program features the latest advances in canine eugenics, using genetic engineering and artificial insemination."--Matt Sullivan (similarly dogged, Steven Bieber)

"Of assessing whether, in fact, there is life in Brian Benben's head."--Barbara Lippert

"Initiation night for freshmen members of the House Republican Caucus."--Doug Strauss

"Proofreading A.M. Rosenthal's "On My Mind" column. In the future, editors will do more than prod and smell Mr. Rosenthal to provoke minimal signs of lucidity; they will also spray him with friendly bacteria."--Jennifer Miller

"As a Drug Enforcement Agency agent, let me tell you that trying to find smuggled packets of cocaine via the old sniff-and-poke method got really old after that day's first dozen or so cavity searches. The new HACCP program is a lifesaver!"--Brad Evans

" 'My dog Buddy has been introducing himself this way for years,' explained the president, 'and it seemed like a great icebreaker. But after getting cold-cocked by the pope, I was back to the old firm handshake.' "--Joydip Kundu

"Harassing Old People: The HAACP (Harass Another Alte Cocker, Please) program, which supports punching out the geriatric set for its incessant demands and expectations, supersedes the previously less than committed sniff-and-poke approach."--David Finkle