5 Questions to Ask If You Never Get Asked Out

There’s no easy answer for why some people get asked out and others don’t. But as I’ve studied why some girls are asked out more often than others, I finally wrote the post I’ve been putting off for a very long time. I think there are some questions we need to ask when we don’t get asked out; questions I asked in my own single years.

But before I dive into these questions, let me say this: I know that many guys in today’s world don’t initiate. I’m also aware that godly men are rare, but there are just enough in the world for God to work with. I’m not addressing men in this post, but I acknowledge their part in the dating equation.

So why do some girls get asked more than others? Personally, I think it’s a combination of personality, location, and walk with the Lord. I also believe that this is an issue that is both under your control and in the hands of God. Like many decisions in life, God opens doors of opportunity – but if we choose to behave in such a way we miss that opportunity, that’s on us.

So if you’re the girl who never gets asked out, ask yourself the following five questions.

Am I Walking in the Revealed Will of God?

Relationships are not a carrot on a stick used by God to motivate obedience. But if you aren’t walking in step with God, following His Spirit and submitting to His leadership, your relationships will reflect this. Perhaps you’ve been waiting around for a relationship to determine God’s will for your life – when God’s will is already in front of you. The will of God has been revealed to you through His Word. But if you don’t immerse yourself in it, you’ll never know what His Will is.

If you’re not getting asked out, God may be calling you to a deeper relationship with Him. He might know that dating would distract you even more from His presence. Ask yourself: Am I walking in the will of God as revealed in Scripture? If you don’t know what that is, check out these verses:

“…be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” (1 Thess. 5:16-18)

“It is God’s will that you be sanctified; that you avoid sexual immorality.” (1 Thess. 4:13)

“Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny herself daily, take up her cross and follow Me.” (Luke 9:23)

“Therefore be careful how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise, making the most of your time, because the days are evil.So then do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.” (Eph. 5:15-16)

It is foolish to ignore God’s will when it has already been revealed to you. At the bare minimum, His Will is for you to be a daily follower of His person. This will manifest itself through your character. You’ll be joyful, you’ll pray continually, you’ll give thanks (even in singleness), you’ll avoid sexual sin, and you will walk with wisdom. The first step to meeting God’s kind of guys is aligning your will with God Himself. As you make this a priority, you’ll have the clarity and wisdom to make positive relationship decisions.

Am I Stewarding My Body Well?

In one of my interview sessions with a group of Christian men, I asked: “What role does appearance play in dating?” All of the men stated that while attraction was a factor, they were not quick to judge a woman by external appearance. However, they were much less likely to ask a woman out if her appearance reflected spiritual negligence.

Men are visual, and the first impression is important. This doesn’t mean guys only want girls who look like a models (a myth I debunked in this post). It means men are drawn to women who confidently and expertly steward their bodies to the glory of God. To the men I interviewed, a lack of physical discipline and decorum was a reflection of an inner, spiritual problem. They were also concerned about the long term effects: If a girl won’t discipline herself during her single years, how will she do it when she has three kids? This topic goes for BOTH genders (and the guys acknowledged this).

Not every girl grows up knowing how to take care of her body. Things like choosing clothes for your body type, picking colors that flatter your skin tone, applying natural makeup, styling hair, and honoring your body through fitness and food are all things you can learn! The world puts an overemphasis on these things, and the church overreacts by treating them like they don’t matter. Neither is right. Inner beauty is of utmost importance, but women were created with a desire to be beautiful. God Himself is the author of physical beauty, and we – the temples of His glory – should reflect that truth, but not idolize it.

Am I Passionate About Being Alive?

What makes you light up? Are you happy to be alive as you are, where you are?

Confidence and joy are two of the most attractive qualities in a person. A woman might not look like Barbie, but if she’s confident and full of life, guys are drawn to her. They want to be around her. They want to make her laugh.

A lot of girls would love guys to be drawn to them this way, but it doesn’t happen. That’s because you can’t force passion. When you’re in love with Christ and where He’s taking you, the excitement and potential in each day will just – spill out of you. Every day is life-giving, even when things are hard. Sound impossible? It probably is – apart from Christ.

If you’re a downer about life (particularly if you’re vocal about it) you might as well wear a sticky note that says “Don’t Date Me” on your forehead. Before even thinking about a relationship, the real issue needs to be addressed: Why don’t you have hope? Where is your purpose? Both of these things are available to you today in Christ Jesus! If you follow Christ, your life has incredible purpose.

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” (Rom. 8:28)

“I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills his purpose for me.” (Ps. 57:2)

Through Jesus, you are called according to God’s purpose. He will define that purpose for you as you seek Him and ask. And when you take hold of His intentions, you can’t help but overflow with passion for life!

Am I Putting Myself In a Position to Get Asked Out?

The Christian dating scene has failed women in two major ways. First, it perpetuates the absurd idea that men must do all the pursuing, including any show of interest. Second, it upholds the cultural idea that attraction is always necessary for a relationship to begin.

Men are wired to pursue, and relationships work best when men do the chasing. But unlike the flirtatious woman demonized in dating culture, Christian women have the reverse problem; they’re not “too available” – they’re too unavailable. Rather than give guys a sign of interest, engage with the opposite sex and put themselves in a position to meet godly men, girls wait for guys to show all the interest, take all the initiative, and do all the work. That’s a lot to expect of a man – even a great one!

Some men are naturally outgoing and driven, and for them the traditional model works well. But there are a lot of amazing, godly men who aren’t that bold (but may just be the kind you’d want to marry). They may want to talk to you, but are terrified to take that first step. That’s why it is in your best interest to engage with the opposite sex even when it’s uncomfortable. Yes – even if you’re an introvert.

Secondly, if you’re only willing to go out with guys you are immediately attracted to physically, you’re severely limiting yourself. Just as women don’t like to be judged by outward appearance, neither do men. And the amazing thing is this: Attraction grows with intimacy. As you know someone’s character, they become beautiful to you. This doesn’t mean you should marry someone you can’t stand. But it does mean you should be picky about things that actually matter, and maybe give a guy a chance to see if his character outweighs your first impression.

Do I See Singleness as a Burden or a Training Ground?

Finally, how do you see your singleness? Your attitude toward this season isn’t a secret. It is visible to everyone around you.

Singleness is like every other season of life; it has benefits and it has trials. We can look at each season through a lens of duty and despair, or we can acknowledge the powerful work God is doing here. As C.S. Lewis so wisely said:

“If you think of this world as a place simply intended for our happiness, you find it quite intolerable: think of it as a place for training and correction and it’s not so bad.”

Your single season isn’t just for your happiness. It’s a place of training for what’s coming next. It’s your time to embrace God’s will, to steward your Temple, to find passion and purpose. Trust God’s timing in this season and steward your character well. Prepare your heart for a “someday” date by bettering the person Christ made you to be. And when you get asked, that first date will be all the more rewarding!

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Reader Interactions

Comments

First, I love everything about this post! This is a topic I have been struggling with for some time now – finding my future spouse. We often first think ‘What is everyone doing wrong’ but this post helped me realize there are things I can change as well.

I’m in my early-twenties and just graduated college. I live in a small town where the guys I know at church, most I have known for years. I feel like after college when you are concentrating on just starting out your career it’s extremely hard to find places to meet people. Bars and clubs are the most popular places but not when you’re searching for a God-driven man. What are some suggestions you have for meeting Godly men?

Hey Rebecca! This is a very common problem, particularly in an age when people marry later and spend their twenties focusing on their careers (average age of marriage is 27 for women, 29 for men). I usually suggest looking for local clubs and groups, particularly outdoor/activity based groups like running, biking, fitness classes, etc. since those tend to attract a younger age range. I also suggest trying new churches or at least attending a different church’s college/career age group or bible study. Some people attend more than one study! And finally, I always suggest online dating as people grow into their later twenties, especially if they are in a small town. The nature of our culture reveals that most people in their twenties are focusing on their careers, and as you said, secular people use bars and clubs to meet people – but not Christians. That’s where online dating is a great way to bridge the gap. I know many successful couples who met online, and there shouldn’t be a stigma on it – it’s a great way to meet people.

Thanks for this post! I enjoy reading your blog. In reading this post, I somehow wished that one of these “questions” would somehow be the “answer” I needed-ha! I am almost 26, and serving the Lord in a large church weekly. I plan to attend our membership class soon and commit to the church as a single adult woman. There are Godly guys around, including ones that I would not mind the opportunity to get to know. But, I am rarely approached by these guys, or any guys really. It’s painful because in my heart I really have the desire to be married and have a family, but I do not see it happening. I am seeking the Lord and understanding His will for me is to be a teacher right now, and to minister to all the students I have, and truly show them the Lord of Christ, but I still feel like I am grieving a loss. I always thought I’d be a wife and mom by now.

I believe that I steward my body well, including dressing nicely, doing my hair (aka moussing my curls quickly) and light makeup, etc. (To give you a “picture”, I am petite with dark curly hair and I love to dress the “classy professional teacher” look!) Most people say I have a great personality.

I wish I could understand what to do differently- I have asked godly friends/siblings and Godly counselors/mentors in my life if I need to do something differently, and they always tell me “You’re fine!” and do not see anything wrong with me. Girls even say, “you are so pretty, how are you not married?” Or… “God gave you that desire for marriage!” or “When God brings that man to you…”

I know that it takes faith to keep hoping in Christ to bring me a husband, when really it is much easier to “give up” and just “decide” I don’t want to trust Him to bring one in His timing.

If you feel like you’re walking in God’s will and doing what’s necessary to meet the kind of men you’d like to get to know on a deeper level, I’d have a few additional ideas:

1) Evaluate your conversations honestly – do you seek these guys out to talk to them, get to know them, learn about them? That will often open a door a guy may have been too nervous to open himself.

2) Do you do things outside the church? This is an important one. Ministry is great, but you only get to know people so well in that setting. A better way to get to know people is by doing activities outside the church environment, or by volunteering in a different capacity within your community (outside the church).

3) It’s important to let go of the “I should be a wife by now” mentality. That’s where God’s sovereignty comes into play here. We all might think there’s an ideal age by which we’ll get married, but that’s not true. It’s different for everyone. It’s better to look at your life as a linear walk further into God’s purpose, and whenever you get married, that’s just an additional layer to a life already being lived well.

4) I always suggest online dating to those who struggle to make connections in real life (which can be a real problem in our twenties, because people are too busy with their work during the week to interact much). Online dating is not a cop out; it’s just another means to meet people who are busy.

Those would be my next suggestions. And of course, God’s hand is still at play in all of this!

Thanks so much for being willing to take time to answer my questions- and give solid Biblical advice that is also practical. I will consider how to implement these ideas, and pray for real-time opportunities to work on your suggestions.

This is a good list, Phylicia! It makes me somewhat sad, because I struggle with all of these to some degree. I have my good moments and my difficult ones, too. However, if I cling to His promises and trust Him every moment, I am sure to have an eternal impact regardless of my relationship status. In the end, I only want to become more like Jesus. Thank you for writing with clear and kind honesty, as always.

These are great questions to consider! I’ve been single for 3 years now (before that, I was married for 6 years), and it is a super awkward and exciting phase! When I was newly-again single, I really struggled with how to navigate the dating scene again, but when I started allowing myself to enjoy the singleness, life got a lot more fun! I’m almost 30 and don’t know hardly any single men my age, so I’m pretty sure that’s the reason for my not getting asked out. I’m a very social person, but single 30-something men just aren’t a part of them, I guess! I just have to believe that God will create those situations at just the right time…and in the meantime, I am loving being a bed-hog and controlling the remote (helloo, Gilmore Girls!)!

These all make sense to me. As a girl who did get asked out I can’t really tell you what the other side is like but I can give some tips as to what you said above!

1. Smile, a lot, without talking. It’s the “Make eye contact, smile with your eyes first and your mouth second (Which happens to be just the right amount of time) and then look away without talking to them”. First of all, it makes you mysterious and all men like to be intrigued and then it also relieves the tension off for you to initiate everything. You want a man who will take initiative but that’s like giving him the green light. The other good one is the “Smile quick, look down, look back and smile again, then shake your head back and forth a little like they’re funny”. They’re going to want to know if you’re laughing at them or if you’re interested and guaranteed they’ll want to be sure you’re interested, not laughing at them.

2. Smell amazing all the time.

3. Be you. You want someone who will love you for who you are.

4. Make a list of Godly qualities and pray for them to appear in your future mate but be prepared they may not come packaged as you expected them to! Occasionally, the qualities need to be coaxed out a bit. I don’t know a husband who hasn’t had to do some learning on how to be the best husband he can be (Same goes for us!).

5. Enjoy your singleness. I know it looks like everyone else is out there being married and having fulfilled lives but relationships don’t fulfill us, God does. Work on your career, buy yourself an awesome house or a nice car and go on a super awesome vacation that only a single person can do. There’s so much fun to be had in a life with no one else to distract you from your relationship with God! Being single can be a blessing too 🙂

“It is foolish to ignore God’s will when it has already been revealed to you. At the bare minimum, His Will is for you to be a daily follower of His person. This will manifest itself through your character.” – I love this whole post. But this line is so vital. If we know God’s will, if it has been revealed to us and we blatantly disobey, we are SO foolish! I have so many single friends who will benefit from reading this!

My friend and I have talked about how it’s hard to watch girls around us getting asked out and having boyfriends when no guys ever show interest in us. Her mom said to me, that maybe this is God protecting us. He knows our strengths and weaknesses and maybe He’s keeping a hand of protection over our lives while we are young and still growing spiritually and in maturity.

My mom added to this, that, along the lines of protection, maybe our being single and never asked out is an answer to some other mother’s prayer. My mom prays for my brothers’ future wives, so maybe there is a mom out there praying for me and the result in my life is that during this season, guys stay away.

Of course, these could be totally wrong, but I thought they were interesting ways of looking at the situation. I’d never really thought about it this way.

Excellent point Sarah, and very true! We never know what God is doing behind the scenes. He also knows how ready each person is for a relationship, and whether it would be in their best interest at the time.

These are really good things to remember! Thanks! My problem is I just don’t know any guys I’d like to date! Lots of nice guys around – but either already in a relationship or we’re just not interested in each other. Even if you don’t have to have initial attraction there at least has to be some interest! lol. So I just figure if there is a guy, he’ll show up eventually 🙂

Right! Girls with lots of guy friends tend to run into this problem frequently. But the good news is this: people move to new areas of the country all the time, and friends-of-friends get introduced as well. And I’m always a big supporter of online dating when a girl can’t meet anyone in her immediate circle – the nature of today’s society makes that a great way to meet people who are too busy with their careers and extracurriculars to meet people who share their priorities.

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Overcomers gather here. I'm Phylicia, and I believe in abundant life, practically. In singleness or marriage, work or home, we don't have to live in defeat! Join me to learn how to apply God's Word and preach the gospel with your life. View Full Profile

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