Rose before Bros: The Final Rose, The Final Bros

This post contains spoilers. You’ve be warned. But if you don’t know who won The Bachelorette finale at this point, please lend me your doomsday bunker because I found out on snapchat before it even aired on the West Coast. Thanks, friends.

We’ve made it, kids. This week we saw the rollercoaster of The Bachelorette finale, even if it was somewhat predictable. I don’t know about you, but I feel like this season has legitimately dragged on for at least two years. But it started in May. That’s right. MAY. We’ve only been here NINE WEEKS. And yet, in those nine weeks, Jojo sifted through 25 guys, some genuine, some trying really hard to be genuine, some genuinely atrocious, and some who stuck around far too long. (If you want to turn this into a puzzle, match these names to those descriptions: Chad, Robby, James Taylor, Wells. Have fun.)

If you don’t watch The Bachelor(ette) and instead only read this recap for some reason, the finale episode is always aired “live,” which essentially means that the episode is intercut with shots of Chris Harrison sitting in a theater with a studio audience who react to the episode as it is aired. It’s kind of weird and outdated, just like the entire tradition of The Bachelor(ette). So this season, we open up with Chris Harrison in his studio, who reminds us that this episode will be emotional, and then we join Jojo, Robby, and Jordan in Thailand.

The episode begins with Jojo meeting up with her family, who are in Thailand to meet Robby and Jordan. Jojo’s family was by far the most entertaining part of hometown dates last season, when her brothers practically waterboarded Ben and her mom drank wine out of the bottle. This season, they are much more subdued. Jordan is the first to meet the family, and he brings them a bag full of silly hats. We find out that during their overnight date, Jojo and Jordan discussed how important it is to Jojo that her future husband asks her father for her hand in marriage. Yep. If you thought Jojo might be doing the proposing in this situation, boy how wrong you were. Jordan says that his intentions are to make sure that Jojo’s family knows how much he cares about her, but he doesn’t ask Jojo’s dad (who looks like B-list Dr. Phil) for permission to propose to Jojo. Jojo’s family expresses how much they liked him, and Jojo tells the camera that she’s “pretty sure” Jordan asked permission from her dad.

Robby meets the family next, and it’s clear from the get-go that her family is Team Robby. Jojo’s mom tells Robby that she’s giving him a princess, and he needs to make Jojo the queen of his heart. Robby asks both of Jojo’s parents for their permission to marry Jojo, which apparently checks all the boxes for them. When talking to her family, Jojo finds out that Jordan didn’t ask for her hand in marriage, and Jojo’s family says “we all like Jordan, but we all think Robby is ready for marriage.” Jojo is pretty shocked that Jordan didn’t ask for permission, and this is the premise for the rest of the episode. She says that if she married Robby, she’d always wonder what it would be like with Jordan, and if she married Jordan and things went to shit, she would wonder if Robby would be a better choice.

Jojo has one date left with each of the boys and Robby goes first this time. They go on a little bit of a hike and have a beach picnic. Jojo asks Robby how he pictures their future, and he describes a life where they burn meatloaf and have an HGTV style house with a “bonus room.” It’s half adorable and half super generic, to the point that it could literally be Ken and Barbie’s dream house and I don’t think Robby would know the difference. Robby seems ready to win The Bachelorette and get married, but doesn’t really seem to care who he gets married to. For the night time portion of the date, they meet up in Robby’s hotel room and he gives her some printed photos of their time together in the past nine weeks. Let’s not forget that everyone has been here for just NINE WEEKS. Jojo mentions that she was initially unimpressed with Robby on night one, but now she’s in love with him. They go their separate ways for the night.

Next is Jojo’s final date with Jordan. They go on a boat ride, just like their first one-on-one date, and Jordan tells the camera that this date is super important because he needs to make up for the fact that the didn’t ask for Jojo’s hand in marriage. They kayak to some caves and Jordan brings up the fact that he told her family how he felt, but didn’t ask her parents for permission even though he wanted to. He expresses concern that even though he’s in love with Jojo, she still basically has another guy on the side and he wanted to be sure that he was the one before he asks for her hand in marriage. Which is actually a totally valid concern, but Jojo doesn’t really understand what the big deal is. Jordan tells Jojo that if he doesn’t know how she feels about him in contrast to how she feels about Robby, he may not propose. In any other circumstance, Jordan would be the person who makes the most sense, but in Bachelorland, there are 25 one-sided relationships and the Bachelor(ette) isn’t supposed to tell the contestants how (s)he feels about them, leaving two people with the requirement to propose marriage without knowing whether or not the person they are proposing marriage to loves them back. And that seems kind of fucked up. And Jordan seems to realize that, but Jojo does not. This discussion occupies the rest of their daytime date and the entirety of the nighttime date.

The next day is the day of the proposals, and we find both Robby and Jordan writing handwritten letters to Jojo for her to read before they potentially propose. Before writing his letter, Jordan calls Jojo’s parents and asks for permission to propose to Jojo, and they give him the affirmative. The boys both meet up with Neil Lane, who gives them a selection of gaudy $100,000 engagement rings to choose from. Robby picks out the biggest ring he sees, and Jordan chooses the simplest of the bunch which is still worth $80,000 (which is more than I paid for college). If the Bachelorette and her suitor don’t stay together for two years after the finale, they have to return the ring, so there’s some pressure at this point that oh yeah this is a real marriage.

Jojo reads the letters written by the two boys. Jordan’s letter says that he’s sorry that he didn’t ask for permission, and that he has since talked to her parents and gotten their permission. He expresses his love and excitement, and Jojo begins to sob uncontrollably. Robby’s letter is sort of bland and full of statements like “today is your day,” and “today is a chapter.” Both boys are dressed in blue suits, though Robby has a tie as obnoxious as his confidence that he will win. The first limo pulls up and (drumroll please)…. Robby steps out. If you’re new to the Bachelor franchise, the loser is always the first person to give their “I love you” speech. Robby begins to give his spiel to Jojo, and she stops him before he can propose and tells him that she doesn’t want to take that moment away from him. Despite talking the entire season about how she didn’t want to tell two men that she loved them, she tells Robby that she still loves him but they don’t have the spark or the friendship that she has with Jordan. She tells him that she wishes it was him, and he says he just wants her to be happy. She walks him out, and there’s a disappointing lack of earth-shattering emotions from Robby. Not even a single tear.

The next limo pulls up and Jordan come out. He says that if Jojo doesn’t pick him, it will be the biggest let down of his entire life. He gives her a speech about how much he loves her, and how Jojo challenges him to be the best version of himself. Before he can propose, Jojo stops him and tells him that she loves him, and that she didn’t want him to propose without fully knowing how she felt about him. He gets on one knee and proposes, and she accepts. She takes the final rose from the table beside her and asks him to accept the rose, which he does. Jojo says that giving out the final rose was the easiest thing she’s had to do, and they hug and kiss for a while, and live happily ever after.

That’s all folks. For more hot garbage, try watching Bachelor in Paradise or Are You The One, which are both far more interesting reality dating shows than either The Bachelor or The Bachelorette. Unless there’s some mad twist of fate and Wells is the next Bachelor, I doubt I will put myself through the acrobatics of trying to watch The Bachelor without a cable account for another season. Peace out.