Monica Lewinsky Paid $12 Million To Write About Putting Bill Clinton’s Penis In Her Mouth. USA!

While on the surface, Monica Lewinsky’s story seems like just another example of years of evolution conditioning chubby chicks to make with the blowjays as quickly as possible so they can avoid harvesting leopard pelts by themselves which is fucking hard as shit. Except hers is unique in that it taught young Americans in the late ’90s to aspire to be president because that’s where all the mouth-wanging’s at. Or at least all of this is what I’m assuming went through the head of whatever publisher decided to pay Monica $12 million to write about a penis she saw 15 years ago that apparently to this day makes all of her boyfriends afraid to commit which I’m sure is the problem. RadarOnline reports:

“Monica has tried to move forward, but the nightmare of her affair with Bill still haunts her,” a close pal told The ENQUIRER. “She’s facing 40 without a man in her life, and seething about the way her reputation was destroyed as the whole world watched.”
For the first time ever, Mon­ica will also release steamy love letters she penned to the Cheater-in-Chief.
“Monica wrote the letters on her computer,” said another source. “In them, she opened her heart about her love for Bill and how much happier she could make him than Hillary. Some of what she wrote was so raw that she never sent them.”
Friends fear the blockbuster expose could finally torpedo the high-profile Clinton marriage, wreck Hillary’s future political career and trigger a potentially fatal health crisis for the 66-year-old politician.“With Bill’s history of heart problems, her book could be more than just revenge, it could kill him!”

And let’s stop right there. Clearly whoever wrote this article has never seen or heard of Bill Clinton before because if you click on the pic of Monica, you’ll be taken to a gallery from not even four months ago where he openly posed with porn stars at his own charity gala. So not only is Hillary not going to give a shit because these two have only been married in a strictly legal and technical sense for years now, but I doubt he’s going to have a heart attack reliving how awesome it was sticking cigars in interns’ vaginas when he was the president. In fact, he’ll probably write her a thank you letter which, hey, look at that, I already have a copy of:

Dear Maureen,

I had completely forgotten about all those times your mouth had made passionate love to my penis when I was president. (I want to ask, “Didn’t some sort of hearing happened because of that?,” but I’m the sort of man who doesn’t trouble himself with recollections unencumbered with the pursuit of easily accessed pussy-letage for such is my nature.) Your detailed notes took me back to a place where the world was my oyster, and that oyster ended up being an overweight intern with daddy issues so fortunately I like just any ol’ shellfish. Any will do. I’ll now cherish these memories fondly or proceed to forget them again as I lose myself in a Taiwanese brothel for an entire winter as is my wont.