Right now, there are expectations. And as with many expectations, the chances of them being highly overblown or underblown are about even — thanks, in part, to lotsofpreviously readpress clippings — but nevertheless:

When cooking you, I will do everything possible to not mess you up.

Why?

Like with any good cured meat, 99 percent of the work’s already done — I just have to take you the remaining 1% without messing you up.

I will not undercook you or overcook you until you become a bacon-shaped stick of charcoal.

I will not attempt to TwitPic you or take self-referential/ironic photos about bacon or the eating of said bacon1— by the smell coming out from the butcher’s paper right now, you’re already well ahead of the over-salted Oscar Meyer/big box bacon that usually graces my college-budget fridge.

And most importantly, if I venture outside of breakfast-based applications, you’ll only be used for meals that are fail-proof, interesting, or generally, not idiotic.

Best,

Me.

1 Enthusiasm for bacon tends to manifest itself in pretty weird ways. As ridiculous as something such as the bacon explosion is, it’s not impossible to follow the logical progression* there — I won’t rest until the people who made Baconaise and this tried in the Hague, though.

(*Sausage + Bacon + “Why not!” And if you’ve ever spent time around drunken aerospace engineering guys with access to power tools, the progression to ‘making a bacon explosion’ and ‘making a potato gun and firing it off the house roof’ is strikingly similar. Though that might say something more about the male id rather than bacon, admittedly.)

It was tasty! But because the oven we used was powered by lies and deceit, crack pie eventually turned into toffee pie — toffee’s still good, but a bit off the mark. We’ve still got enough filling left for one more pie — that’ll be baked at some point this week (?) and expect a longer post-baking breakdown around then.

Here’s something simple that got whipped up in between assorted weekend things — roast veggies go well with virtually anything, runny egg included. The asparagus were done with a simple roast (tossed with olive oil, salt & pepper + ~450F until lightly browned and tender) and topped with an egg. If you wanted to spring for extra credit, some type of cured pork (bacon, pancetta, etc) would be a nice touch.

And if you wanted to go for the extra, extra credit? Hollandaise would be an even nicer touch — when is extra hollandaise a bad idea?