Comments

@bunnybunny: I tend to listen to extreme metal and extreme punk music a lot, because I find the dissonance, noise, and anger in the music to be helpful for working through my emotions and feelings of self-hatred. Like I transfer my emotions into the music, or something. It is hard to explain.

@kittehs
thanks. I most definitely appreciate them. I don’t feel like sobbing anymore, but I know that is a temporary relief until I can get stuff sorted. The whole, ‘I don’t have a job, nor any prospects,’ is pretty scary and is doing a major number on my mental health. But I was a contractor, so I don’t qualify for unemployment.

@BreakfastMan
I nth the suggestion for therapy. I’m in it now. Have been for a year. While it isn’t a cure-all, it does help. You do have to find a therapist you click with. Which is a bunch of work on its own, which can be too hard to tackle in the throws of depression. If you have a Team You, delegate some of the work to them.

Nothing in my wardrobe is suitable for an interview, and the shoes I have consist of a pair of flip-flops and a pair of tennis shoes that have a bunch of holes. On top of that, my hair is super unkempt due to it still being in the awkward stage, and I doubt any employer would be okay with that.

I have about $16 left in my bank account, so I don’t have enough to pay for new clothes, new shoes, and a salon visit. I can’t spend money on all three – it has to be one or the other. Granted, I have been getting some money, but that’s only because I’ve just been making donation posts on Tumblr, and of course it’s not a feasible long-term plan.

It doesn’t help that I’m still too anxious and depressed to go out searching for jobs. I’m afraid of encountering all kinds of abusive people in a work environment, since I have a history of experiencing such people all sorts of places (including in my last job – my dad was my boss). I can’t even write a decent resume because I’m too worried about coming off as pretentious, incompetent, unpleasant to be around, etc. It’s so fucking pathetic that this kind of thing stops me from doing something vital, but I have to live with it. I’m a horrible planner anyway so I guess I do deserve the situation I’m in. I should have planned things from the start, but instead I’ve just made a bunch of hasty decisions and hoped for the best.

I’m so sick of life. I want to just sleep all day and forget about everything.

TMI alert! Read no further if you don’t wish to hear about the sex life I wish I had.

I’m feeling super unattractive and horny. Ideally the fact I’ve just been dumped wouldn’t leave me feeling completely worthless but it has. The fact I want to get laid is an aside except that I believe I’ve found a means by which I can ease both troubles.

A nice gentleman introduced himself to me shortly after I’d been dumped, saying he’d like to cheer me up. He’s smart and successful and handsome and charming and kind. We’ve got a fair bit in common. There’s not magic between us, friendship or romance-wise, but I do like him and he is good company. There just aren’t fireworks when we’re together is all. Not a slight against either of us.

Then we got talking about sex and, yeah, that’s the level we connect on. He sends me a nude image. It’s very nice. We discuss having sex with one another or at least sucking toes and we’re both very interested. I’m too beat up to become emotionally invested in anyone or anything at this time which is why this is so perfect – we don’t really click emotionally. We like each other and there’s an intellectual connection to some degree but that’s the extent of it. Basically, I feel safe and excited pursuing a sexual relationship with this guy without fear of having my heart ripped out and my face shit on because, while sexually compatible, we’re not romantically a match. He seems very OK with that. Awesome!

We’ve been engaged in a casual back-and-forth for about ten days, discussing what we’d like to try, exchanging titillating imagery. He’s on holiday for three weeks so we have an extended period of foreplay to work with. We’ve both been loving it, shooting one another a few messages a day. The tension’s building. It’s a blast. It feels great to be wanted and attractive to someone and for having sex with a pleasant, attractive person to be realistic.

Then, two days ago, he stopped responding. I didn’t share anything novel or triggering. Just, mid-dialogue, he disengaged. I don’t get it. If he doesn’t want to pursue anything, that’s fine but I’d like to be told as much and some insight into why he had a change of heart, in case it was relevant to me and something I can learn from, would be really great. By the same token, I’m really just an acquaintance so I can’t demand he discuss the matter with me.

After forty-eight hours of silence from him I sent him this message: “So, what happened?”

I can’t make him respond and he may not be capable of responding for the time being but i cant help but assume the worst and feel a little perturbed. What the hell? I don’t want to smother or pry either though. Uhg. I guess I just leave it at that and pick up where we le off if he gets back to me and has an explanation?

Ally bobby pins may help with the hair! If you have no idea what to do with it atm, off the face, clean and brushed/neat is really all you need. Also cheap plastic headbands, while ridiculously uncomfortable, would look fairly professional & shouldn’t cost more than like a dollar at “junk” stores.

Ally: in NZ, there are NGOs that are set up to give people clothing for interviews and jobs. Is there an NGO like that near you?

marinerachel: that sounds rude. Although, people do lose their phone/get it stolen but I assume you have exchanged email addresses and losing both a phone and computer access simultaneously would be rare (except in something like a disaster, or a fire).

That’s where I’m at – it seems rude. If he doesn’t respond over the next forty-eight hours, I’ll send him a note saying, really, it’s cool if you don’t want to talk but it would have been nice if you’d communicated that to me and didn’t just GTFO. I’ll leave it at that.

Gotta give people a chance though. It seems unlikely but this may simply be an issue of lacking access to phone and email.

My sister said she’ll help me with making a good resume. She also gave me a decent amount of money for living expenses and is sending me a “birthday package” of some kind (my birthday is 3 days). I’m still really stressed out by job stuff but at least I can take care of more things now.

Meanwhile, I’m feeling really good about myself today because of hormones and because I managed to find a sleeveless top that suits me well. It might sound weird, but wearing a sleeveless top is a huge deal to me because I used to specifically avoid wearing them due to dysphoria and other body image issues. Now that the hormones are starting to have effects on my body, I feel so much better wearing one. (” rel=”nofollow”>pic)

Biopsy results came back: no cancer, yes hyperplasia, which means that my risk for all sorts of “fun” reproductive system cancers is significantly higher than normal. And since I can’t handle the usual hormonal treatments, I get the deluxe surgical package: uterus, ovaries and fallopian tubes in one go. By a robot. NephewB is gonna be SO jealous! This will be followed by several months of experimentation to find an estrogen dosage that will help avoid bone loss and/or breast cancer and won’t turn me into a raging pms monster. And probably mammograms.

I feel like I should be more upset about all of this, but mostly I’m relieved. Surgical menopause sounds so much better than the thought of another twenty years of cramps, wildly irregular cycles and occasional month long periods.

@Ally: that’s a great photo. Your hair looks really nice in those scarf things (sorry, not sure of name). They seem to be doing a good job of keeping most of the hair off your face while it’s in the annoying in-between stage of growth. I tried wearing them myself, but they just fall off my head.

@Argenti: my 2.5mm stretches went well, so well that I only peeled slightly at the front of my left earlobe. No redness or hot sensation this time. I should be 3mm before Xmas – yay 🙂 I have treated myself to some owl bone dangly earrings for 2.5mm as I haven’t been considering buying much until I get to 6.5mm as I thought it would be a waste of money. But I’m so bored just wearing the ?stud things that the piercer puts in at the end of the stretch.

Pallygirl — my lobes are currently at *converts to mm* 6.5mm (and staying there) and 2mm (staying there for another month or so, then I break out the tapers again!) — I’ve found that they go down to 4~5mm pretty easily, and then it gets annoying, but that could just be my ears. Also, it sounds like your piercer does your stretches, and I do my own, so that could be a factor too (idk which is better — professional, or being able to spend all day slowly twisting a taper through, maybe it evens out!)

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