'All Stars' Ru-Cap: Daddy Issues

It's been a while since the first season of Ru Paul's Drag Race aired, but I'm pretty sure Tammie Brown wasn't THIS crazy four years ago. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't seem to remember TamTam doing things like: (a) inventing new words (see: "off-skelter"), (b) spanking other drag queens without warning, and (c) rhythmically waving her hands back and forth on the runway like a tragic, wasted mime. Also, does anyone understand what this queen is saying EVER? In addition to proclaiming that Nina Flowers' panties are made of grass, she vowed to "make your head spin round and round" and bragged that her drag act consists of her just standing there while people laugh.

Well, to be fair, I can actually sympathize with that last thing. My drag act also consists of me just standing there while people laugh, but that's only because the one time I ever put it on was in college, when my sleep-deprived self forgot to shave my legs or put on boobs or do anything womanly and respectable other than throw on a muumuu and pray to RuPaul that the people in the front row didn't notice I wasn't wearing panties. OHHHH, THE SHADE.

But I'll be completely honest. After watching the main episode, I was pretty convinced that Tammie had just dropped too much acid in her twenties, killed all her brain cells, and forgotten how to communicate with other humans.

But after watching Untucked and listening to her tell the other queens sublimely-crazy things like, "I can make the whole class cry," I firmly decided that her problem is not that she dropped too much acid in her twenties. It's that she's DROPPING ACID ALL THE TIME.

As soon as this queen starts to come down from a trip and begins to realize that the giant, moaning caterpillars around her are actually bitchy gay men in women's clothing, she digs through her purse, pulls out another tab, and ensures that for the next eight hours, every single thing she says will make perfect sense to not only her but also all the 50,000 drag queens who live inside her head. Case closed.

Poor Nina, though! She had a hard enough time understanding what the sane queens were saying, so she really had no chance with TamTam, did she? To be fair, though, I def wasn't feeling her whole La Lupe shtick. Or anyone else's shtick, for that matter. Was I the only one who spent the duration of "Gaff-in" throwing shade at the TV???

There were so many jokes crashing and burning that I actually had to assure my mother — whom I'm visiting — that this episode was not representative of the LGBT community's sense of humor. Or anyone's sense of humor. Or humor in general. Or life.

(P.S. Don't ever watch this show with your mother. I'm pretty sure a small part of my soul died when I had to explain what bottoming was. On the bright side, she did echo the entire gay community when she said Michelle Visage looked like a drag queen.)

Other notable things: Raven was sickening all episode, and Manila revealed that she once became suicidal after dating a girl. (You know you're gay when ... )

But forget all that. Everyone knows the REAL drama happens when the main episode ends and Untucked begins. That's when the queens drop their camera-friendly demeanor and throw DOWN. But wait! The producers decided to throw us a curve ball and aired a video message which Chad Michaels's dad — who has not spoken to Chad in 25 years — taped for him. Obviously, Chad broke down, so instead of a deliciously-bitchy half-hour of drag queens clawing each other's faces off, we got a half-hour of drag queens CRYING AND TALKING ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS.

WHAT.

Normally, if I were to walk in on a room full of drag queens balling their eyes out, I would assume it was because Victoria's Secret was going out of business. But this was just too much. I mean, yeah, it was sad of course — and I completely sympathized with all of them, especially Latrice — but the whole thing just felt out of step with the show. Also, could anyone understand what Yara Sofia was saying??? Girlfriend was so teary and incoherent that she could've been saying, "I don't actually have daddy issues, I just ate too many beans and I have really, really, REALLY bad gas" — and no one would ever know.

Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed the Ru-Cap — and if you're in the northeast, then stay safe! I feel like Hurricane Sandy watched playback vids of Irene from last year and promised herself that she'd top that mess in every way possible. She's basically the most overachieving jerk in the history of hurricanes! But legit, stay safe, and remember not to let yourself get off-skelter!