Stuff they really should tell you about children.

But no one does.

Because let’s face it we learnt the hard way so why shouldn’t everyone else?

Basically children are like cakes – it’s all in the timing. (Does this analogy work? I have never baked a cake.)

Anyway timing. Before you have children you are seduced by idyllic scenes of family happiness. The type of thing you see in adverts:

Lazing in bed of a weekend reading papers whilst a cute boy in pristine White Company pyjamas gently doffs your head with a goose feather pillow.

Videoing your daughters amazed reactions at the zoo as she sees a giraffe for the first time.

Kicking through piles of leaves in your wellies in the autumn sun.

NONE OF THIS IS EVER GOING TO HAPPEN.

Wake up and smell the coffee.

Oh you can’t you ran out of coffee three weeks ago and still haven’t remembered to buy any more even though you have both been to at least one supermarket every single day buying nappies and wipes and strawberry yoghurt in the pink pots because your daughter refuses to eat the strawberry yoghurt in the yellow pots even though it is exactly the same bloody yoghurt.

Why is there still no coffee?

Anyway timing.

The family scenes you daydream about are all years down the line. For the first few years children are interested in everything and at the same time nothing at all.

So sit back and chill save your energy for when they will appreciate it.

I cannot tell you how many new parents I have seen waving tiny babies in front of animals at zoos and farms. The babies couldn’t give two shits about the rare albino wallaby they are being forced to admire they are more interested in an empty coke can someone has kindly left on the floor.

No wait it’s not empty.

Don’t pick that up….Quick get the baby wipes.

Your beautiful moment is ruined instead you have a baby covered in sticky old coke and a strangers mouth spit.

Try videoing the look of horror on your face as you bat away a swarm of wasps.

So having young children is just like baking a cake. Probably. Who knows? I certainly don’t.

Basically all that wonderful stuff you imagined doing is never going to actually occur.

But other stuff will happen, which will be just as wonderful but not quite as photogenic.

So here is some useful stuff I have learned the hard way:

Never get in a pillow fight with a small child:

My daughter hides books and wooden bricks in hers.

Er that’s it. Sorry you’re on your own.

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Oh, this is so true. With baby number one we were often found at the zoo walking round after paying an extortionate fee with him fast asleep in the pushchair. I’m not altogether sure that babies two and three have seen any animals other than dogs and cats…we can’t afford the entrance fee for five of us apart from anything else 😉 Advertising has an awful lot to answer for. Great post 🙂

Haha yep. Cotswold wildlife park with baby in carrier facing out so he could appreciate the animals- never looked beyond about a foot, he spent the whole day trying to lick the fences. Longleat aged 2. Let him sit in the front so he could see the lions etc and he spent the whole time re-tuning the car radio. Save your money and your sanity folks!

You only have a small window of years to take them…The first time my son went to the zoo at 1 year old he spent the whole day looking at the ducks walking around! He’s now 8 and he doesn’t want to go to the zoo coz they’re for babies!

All true. Like the deleted scenes from a Pampers advert – where the sleeping child awakes, reaches into it’s nappy and smears it’s cot with faeces, like a prison protest. Or is sat by the cat bowl eating the contents. Cue poor cat starving as it watches on.