House of Commons cafeteria runs out of knives

The House of Commons cafeteria has asked MPs if they’d mind returning the knives they currently have sticking out of their backs, as they’ve run out.

Saying there’s been ‘a bit of a rush’, catering workers are currently scouring the Houses of Parliament looking for MPs bodies from which they can retrieve their cutlery.

The cooling remains of dozens of Members of Parliament are currently draped over furniture, lying spreadeagled in corridors and slumped in neglected corners of the building, and hundreds of knives need to be retrieved before dinner time.

The carnage started yesterday when Michael Gove used a roughly-sharpened prison shiv to do over Boris Johnson, leading to a cascade of defenestrations and stabbings as the floodgates of years of pent up frustrations spilled out into open warfare.

Michael Gove himself is understood to be currently desperately fending off a steak-knife-wielding Theresa May with a sandwich platter in the Pugin bar.

Meanwhile, heating engineers at the House have asked if Jeremy Corbyn would mind returning the boiler plate he’s currently got stuffed down the back of his jacket as it’s playing gyp with the thermostat.

“It’s all very well them bumping each other off and warding off attacks with tea-trays and whatnot, but some of us have jobs to do,” said House Facilities Manager Simon Williams.

“There’s a trade delegation over from India, and MPs have been sticking each other with the cutlery we’re supposed to be giving them a nice reception with – ironically in order to get into the reception.

“And if anyone has seen the heavy glass paperweight that was in my office I’d like it back, as it was a present from my wife. I’m told John McDonnell has it, and he was last seen headed to Angela Eagle’s office.”

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