Rebel Pledge and WRiTE CLUB – Round 12

I need to take care of a little business before we get to WRiTE CLUB. A while ago I signed up to be a part of Sheri
Larsen's Rebel
Writers Pledge, which means today I need to list one of my writer goals for
2012. It may sound simplistic, but my
goal for this year is to determine which path I need to take to see my novel
published. Will my query letter prove
successful and land me agent so I can follow the traditional route? Will I pursue a publisher and see where that
leads me. Or will I simply e-publish? I WILL know the answer to that question by
December 31st...that's my pledge.

And now let's move on to the last chance for advancement to
the WRiTE-Off rounds. Today we christen
our eleventh winner and ready the ring for one final preliminary battle. It’s unfortunate that because of the number
of submissions we received, there are WRiTER’s
that will never get to take a turn in the ring.
I could save them to use for the next iteration of WRiTE CLUB, but frankly its future is tenuous. I consider WRiTE CLUB only a modest success and doubt that it will continue
beyond crowning a champion. To be fair,
I’m going to wait and see what the response is like during these next couple
weeks before I make a final determination.
So it’s in your hands. If you
would really like to see WRiTE CLUB
continue, then spread the word and get your friends to come out and vote.

Here’s a little reminder of what we have in store for the
next several weeks. Our twelve semi-finalists will be given the choice of
letting their original submission stand as is, or augment it by expanding it to
500 words, or submit a new 500 word writing sample altogether. Then the twelve of them will be paired up (by
random drawing) and a different bout will be held every day the week during February
6-11. On Sunday February 12th
the six winners will be announced and again paired off (using the same 500 word
writing sample) for bouts to be held every other day on starting on February 14th. Three winners will be chosen from those
matches, along with one wildcard selection who’ll be the WRiTER who scored the most points but didn’t win his/her bout. The winner with the most points will be
face-off against the wildcard selection, and the other two contestants will
duel it out. Those two matches will take
place on February 20th and 23rd. The final clash between the last two standing
will be on February 27th for all the marbles.

Before we get to any of that let’s first announce the winner
of round 11 and get the next round kicked off. The official score ended up:

ALNAIR - 8
votes LADY GRIMM - 17 votes

LADY GRIMM is now our eleventh semi-finalist! As always, you can check my WRiTE CLUB page
for a breakdown of all the winners along with links to all of the writing
samples.

We did receive a new submission last week, but I’m using my
authority as WRiTE CLUB manager to
suspend Rule #8 (If this is your first week at WRiTE CLUB, you HAVE to WRiTE),
because of what I mentioned earlier. There
are WRiTER’s that have been waiting
a long time for their chance in the spotlight and it’s a little unfair that a
newby would steal that opportunity at the last minute. So, both of this week’s contestants will come
from the open pool. Without further
ado....

Here are this week's randomly selected WRiTER's.

Standing in the far corner, weighing in at 251 words (we’ll
let that extra word slip), please welcome to the ring……..

EMMILOU
HAYRISS

Late
May, and it was already a million degrees outside. And wet. A veil of humidity
pasted the few escaped strands of my stringy blonde hair to my sweaty neck, and
I tried not to stir up dust as I walked.

It was
my last day working with Dr. Green, the only large-animal vet in Dabb Creek,
but it wasn’t much different from my first. Only that day it’d been storming,
and Doc said to meet him in Mrs. Blalock’s barn.

Jackson
and D’Lo had to tag along, of course. They didn’t think I’d go through with it.
I think even Dr. Green was skeptical, which is why he said I’d have to palpate
the widow’s best milking cow before he’d agree to make me his assistant.

Palpate.
I knew what that meant. Fancy word for sticking your hand up a cow’s backside
to see if she’s pregnant. They didn’t think I could do it because I was so
little. Years of stretching and drinking milk had only got me up to five-foot
tall, but I climbed up on that stool, set my jaw, and plunged right in.

“Make
your hand like a wedge, Prentiss…” Dr. Green stood close by holding up Elsie’s
tail. His man-sized plastic glove went all the way over my shoulder to my neck,
and it was slathered in lubricant. It kept me clean, but I was getting the full
experience of hot, smelly cow butt.

“Now
slowly reach all the way to your elbow,” he said

And in the other corner, weighing in at 249 words, let me
introduce to you ……..

I.M.
XTNQSHR

Some days
it’s enough that he breathes. The exchange of air grates on my psyche like the
high-pitched squeal of a six-year-old at the sight of a spider. And his endless
television shows, the intolerable stupidity followed by commercials selling
drugs with side effects more damning than the symptoms they claim to cure. It
all culminates into a farce.

Hands on
hips I look at the obstinate water softener spewing its juices over my walls.
Yesterday, I replaced the damn thing, the day before, the water heater.
Disgusted, I walk into the garage where the car lays in shambles begging me to
crawl beneath its underbelly hoping for an altered result.

None of it
comforts. Inside I stare into the family room. The black leather chair faces a
dark computer desk. I miss him. His stupid haircut. I could use his help as the
house crumbles around my feet. He’s off serving his country, proudly wearing
shades of green I associate with baby puke. Risking his life, our happiness, as
if I didn’t matter.

If here,
nothing would change, but his dulcet voice complaining about the ineptitude of
the cashier, a speeding car, the fashion styling’s of kids. Solace in the fact
that I can take care of myself I return to the pipes and with the twitch of a
finger, bring to life the flames from a torch wishing in the back of my
overtired mind I were Sigourney Weaver about to barbeque a bunch of freaking
aliens.

As always, anyone can vote so leave yours for the WRiTER that swayed you the most in the
comments below, along with any sort of critique you would like to offer. Please remind your friends to make a selection
as well. The voting will remain open
until noon Sunday. Remember, the amount of participation we see over the next
couple weeks will help decide if WRiTE
CLUB continues on.

Here in WRiTE CLUB,
it’s not about the last man/woman standing, it’s about who knocks the audience
out!

I'm voting for Emmilou Hayriss on this one. Her excerpt gave me a clear (and memorable) picture.

As for the second excerpt, I have a little feedback. I think it might have been better starting from the second paragraph. The first paragraph left me confused about who the narrator is talking about. "It's enough that he breathes." It sounds as if she's talking about someone who's present and very sick, but as the passage goes on, I believe she's referring to a husband serving overseas. Going back to the first paragraph, I couldn't make the connection between this one and the rest of the selection.

The second one shows promise, but tries to do too much. I get the impression the MC's caring for an ailing parent, missing her active duty son, lonely, disgusted, feeling sorry for herself, resigned. And because she's not telling us who's who, we're left trying to piece it together.

For me, I liked the clear-cut description of Emmilou Hayriss. The little dude intent on a career in big animal vet medicine. What a picture!

Im going with number 2. Perhaps, just adding ", but I miss him." to the end of the first paragraph would clear up the confusion. I dont think the first one flowed well. If you take out the cow butt line, would the voting be different?

#2 was good, but there was a lay/lie mistake and I just couldn't relate to the color green reminding anyone of baby puke. What has that baby been eating, anyway? And maybe you should stop feeding it to him. :)

Something had to sway me, right? Even the nit-picky details. Nice job to both contestants, though!

Perhaps it's because I've got girlfriend's who are wives of servicemen who've been away, wives who've had to figure out how to keep what two barely kept running when only one is there to keep shop afloat...well, that voice rang so true, so authentic to me that I have to pick #2.

No. 1 dragged on at the start with too much backstory, but picked right up at the mention of smelly cow behinds! As for no. 2, I can sense the loneliness and desperation the writer tried to convey, but it was too much description and I found myself skimming.

Wow, this is an intense contest... love the Fight Club spin-off. I think both have great voice, so this is hard. I'm going to have to go with the first because I wasn't exactly sure what was going on with the second one. She's angry with her husband... just because she doesn't like him, or because he left her to serve in the military? Not quite sure I was following.

Not feeling eloquent tonight; but I liked the first one best because it not only stated how inadequate the MC felt others saw him, it also showed how he determined to follow his own course and accomplish whatever he had to so he could feel proud of himself.

I felt a part of the setting, and could totally relate to the MC scene goals.

The writing of both was quite good, but the first one was much more effective at pulling me in. It was a legitimate scene, with events and dialogue that accented the drama and developed conflict and story questions.

The second one -- while engaging -- was mostly internal rumination. There was no solid scene, character, or immediate tension and drama I could really grab onto other than that someone's missing and the house is going to hell.

True, 250 words is a very short amount to judge -- it's HARD to get character, tension, drama, and intriguing story questions established in that few words.