Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Guest Piece: Napoleon- The Hottest (not so short) Military Dictator

This hilarious and totally accurate bio is by Andy Roblee. I agree with all of his assessments on Napoleon. Truly, a titanic history hottie.

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It is my pleasure to guest author a very special installment of History’s Hotties. It is special in a few different ways. First of all it is special because I am authoring it. Second of all it will be the first HH written by a member of the “bescrotumed community.” This is now the correct nomenclature. Third of all it is about one of Anglocentric history’s most misrepresented and unfairly portrayed sexual beings. Napoleon Bonaparte.

Yo England and Russia! Y'ALL BE HATERSSS!

Napoleon, as some know, was born in Corsica, an island ruled by France, but in every possible way Italian. Aww yeah, that’s a spicy meatball!!! Napoleon came from a family of provincial nobles, essentially nobodies. Through his own dynamite looks and pile driving ass he was able to earn a spot at the French military academy, where he excelled in all of his studies. His best subjects were physics and math, foreshadowing his future brilliance as an artillery officer. All those brains and a baby face with pouty lips? Even I’m getting a “nerd boner!”

This is Kate putting in another hot picture of Napoleon, because hey, why not?

After becoming a Brigadier General at the age of 26 and bringing the post-terror violence in France to an end, Napoleon then decided that the half dozen other countries at war with France should get their asses spanked. Again and again they tried to bring him down. Again and again he shook out his wild hair and penetrated hard and deep into the enemy lines.

This belt was actually the world's first "fanny pack"

I’ll skip all the sweet details of how amazing Napoleon was, but I will take a second to clear up a long standing misconceptions perpetrated by the British/American cultural discourse on him. Napoleon was not short. He was 5’8”, actually tall for his time and place. The Coalition powers called him an ogre or “small” because he wasn’t royalty. He rose to greatness b virtue of his own merit and Italian sexual gravitas.

In 1804 the citizens of France let old “Boney” know just how fine they thought he was by voting in favor of his Emperorship in two separate plebiscites. That’s when natural beauty met the world of imperial fashion. The meeting of these two forces exploded all over the canvas, as you can see!

Somebody grab me a towel...

In the end baby face Napoleon bit off more than he could chew and tried to invade Russia from the west. Everyone knows that you have to come from the other direction if you want to beat Russia (see: Mongols, Japan). He was exiled to Elba to serve as “Emperor” there. He tried to make a comeback and gave everyone a little trickle of fear in their pants before finally being sent off to little St Helena to die. In English speaking countries everywhere he is portrayed as a fat little angry man who wanted to control the entire world. In other places like France, Poland, and Italy, he is remembered correctly, as a liberator and a reformer with piercing blue eyes and sheer mammalian sexual energy.