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WS is suppose to be out tonight with his employees, before we leave for a month back to US. It was suppose to be drinks and cocktails. He texts me at 9pm and says they have been bar hopping and now will be getting some food.

This really bothers me. Before DD I would feel jealous because he could get out of the house and since I am a SAHM- I never get a "day off". Sometimes he'd call right before going out, oh the guys and I are grabbing drinks. Very last minute. I look back and see that this was a big boundary issue. No respect for me and my time.

Well since DD, I can't but help think that he should not be going out for cocktails, let alone bar hopping. Any advice on "restrictions"?

I WILL NOT drink the Kool Aid.

The grass is greener on the other side. But they put chemicals on theirs.

Posts: 60 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: USA

joeboo♂ 31089Member # 31089

Posted: 9:31 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013

I think it depends on the person, but with my fww, the bar scene was often a prelude to a ONS or just bad behavior in general. We had an agreement for several years before d-day that neither of us would ever go to a bar without the other. I kept my end of the deal, but she slowly crept back into stopping regular with the "girls".

After d-day I made it easy on her and made it a deal-breaker. She complained a few times and I told her life is all about choices and she is just as free to make hers as I am to make mine.

Good luck. If he enjoys it so much, he shouldn't have a problem taking you along. And if he does take you along, you should enjoy it too.

Posts: 1247 | Registered: Feb 2011

sisoon♂ 31240Member # 31240

Posted: 9:57 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013

It also depends on the culture of the job. In this case, your H probably owes his staff a couple of drinks and snacks. He may also owe them a night on the town.

IMO, he should be part of the drinks, but a really good boss would bow out early, deputing an employee to pay the bill and put in for reimbursement. Employees generally don't want their bosses around when they let their hair down.... Your H needs to understand he's not one of the boys anymore, and that's entirely separate from his A. You could ask him why he doesn't realize this....

Sounds like your H ought to make at least a few more attitude adjustments.

fBH (me) - 70+, fWW, Married 45+, together 45+, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and pretty much R'ed
I share my own experience because it's all I know.

Posts: 14394 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois

musiclovingmom♀ 38207Member # 38207

Posted: 11:28 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013

As close as you are to DDay, I can understand your anger. Have you talked with your H about how this behavior makes you feel. A wise poster reminded me a while back that I can't expect my H to read my mind. The restrictions you set should be whatever you need to feel comfortable, but, *gently* you can't expect him to know what those are unless you let him know.

Posts: 1539 | Registered: Jan 2013

Blameitontherain♀ 37476Member # 37476

Posted: 2:55 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013

WH has given up bars or bar hopping voluntarily. Does he sometimes get pissy when he feels left out cause all the guys are going? You bet. But I never, not once before dday cared about any of that. I remind him that he is the one who abused and destroyed my trust in him. If going to a bar means more than our family, there's the door. Go.

WH did not have his affair via bars. But when dday came around, he revealed that women flirt with him despite having his ring on. Uhhh ok, your point? He can't control what they do. Ok but you can control flirting back and leading them on which is what he did. His reasoning: I liked seeing I could still do it. I liked that attention and ego stroking . I turned it around and said oh ok. So by your logic it would be ok with you if I go and flirt, accept drinks, make innuendos, etc just make sure I don't sleep with them? He looked horrified and said no. I screamed back then why the hell was it ok for you to do it? Sorry for the thought jam. My wayward has a lot of double standards.

Posts: 273 | Registered: Nov 2012

Naivete123♀ 38715Member # 38715

Posted: 2:11 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013

Thank you all for you insight. I needed to get advice before I voiced my concerns with WH. Which I did do. He was actually very receptive. He even told me he knows it is his "fault" that I feel this way.

This is why I need SI. It helps so much to be able to vent before talking things over with WS. That way I don't seem so co-dependent.

I WILL NOT drink the Kool Aid.

The grass is greener on the other side. But they put chemicals on theirs.