Messy roommates are a real headache. They can cause a lot of stress and tension in the house, and, if the problem isn't dealt with, feelings of resentment and annoyance are likely to bubble over, resulting in arguments and fights. The main thing to remember is that being on good terms with your roommate will make life a whole lot easier. Remember, blunt confrontation does not have a high success rate, but being tactful and considerate can achieve wonders.

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Steps

Method 1 of 3: Just How Messy is Your Roommate?

1

Ask yourself whether your roommate is genuinely messy. Untidiness could be a result of stress or unhappiness, in which case a confrontation will only worsen the situation. Try and find out if there is a reason behind your roommate's untidiness. Moreover, everyone has differing standards as to what is considered messy and what is just untidy. It is quite possible that your roommate had a different upbringing than you and might not even know that their standard of cleanliness bothers you.

Are you being reasonable or over-the-top about how much untidiness is acceptable in the room?

Ask a friend to drop by and give an honest, objective opinion when your roommate isn't about. This can help to either confirm your impression or give you something to reconsider.

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Method 2 of 3: Deciding How to Approach This Sticky Situation

1

Decide if you want to address the situation. You have three basic options:

Raise the issue politely,

Don't raise it and bite your tongue daily or

Avoid raising it while biding time until you can move out or trade rooms and bring in a "mess-lover". Which is likely to work best for you will depend on how entrenched you feel, whether exams/essay due dates are just around the corner or a whole term away and how well you and your roommate get along in other matters.

2

Raise the issue. Presuming you've decided to raise the matter, do so in as non-confrontational a manner as possible. After all, as already noted, your roommate might not even see the "mess".

Begin by explaining that you feel uncomfortable living with socks on the floor, half-eaten packaging lying about and unwashed piles of clothing. Without whining, state some simple facts about why you feel hemmed in by what you see as mess. Be calm and sincere. Express the fact that your problem is with the mess, not with the roommate. At this stage, it's best not to sugarcoat things, but at the same time remember that afterwards you will have to continue to live with the person.

As this is a very embarrassing topic, try to be as understanding as possible. Wait for a chance to talk when it is just the two of you, in a quiet, calm environment. Never blame the person outright for the mess, this will simply invoke hostility and anger. Instead, keep all statements as general as possible. For example, "I really wish we could all keep the house looking clean, don't you?", "I nearly tripped over that bag in the doorway. I wish everyone would just put their things away." By keeping it general, your roommate is less likely to feel under attack and is more likely to change his or her habits.

Explain what you perceive as drawbacks to living with mess. Talk about bugs in the room, bad odors, and unsightly areas that prevent you from asking people in for a visit or study session. Be careful though, as your roommate might feel slighted, as you're suggesting he or she is causing bug infestations. If your roommate feels criticized, there is a risk of things getting even dirtier out of retaliation, so stay factual and be charming.

3

Talk about how each of you needs to feel at home in the room. Explain that being comfortable is about compromising both ways, to ensure that you are each happy living in the same room together. Messy, dirty and unhygienic doesn't work for everyone, but a reasonable amount of cleanliness works for everyone involved.

Be prepared to distinguish between untidy and unhygienic messy. You may have to accept a certain amount of untidiness. However, you can push for tidiness for special occasions, such as a study hour with friends or for birthdays, etc.

4

If things get a little heated between the two of you, stay calm and keep focused on wanting a compromise that works for you both. You cannot expect a neat freak to win the day over a messy freak; both of you will need to see the limitations in each other's approach. Disputing where to draw the line may be unavoidable, but aim to keep things constructive, and avoid outright bickering.

Consider outlining what you're prepared to do if things don't change. If your roommate doesn't realize what will occur if they don't start picking up their end of the deal, then they will never be able to fix it and get better. For example, you will go and ask to be shifted or you will leave at term's end, etc. Your "consequences" depend on how well both of you get along. If your roommate doesn't realize what will occur if they don't start picking up their end of the deal, then they will never feel motivated to fix it and get better.

5

If you just want to wait instead of raising the issue, then you may have to adjust your attitude towards the situation to cope. While not a satisfactory way of fixing things, try just keeping your own areas of the place clean rather than trying to change your roommate as well. If it seems unbearable, consider moving out.

Method 3 of 3: Coming Up with Shared Solutions

1

Recognize that your roommate may want the room/apartment/house clean (almost) as much as you do, but it's just not as natural for them to clean it to your expected extent. This may be a case of re-education because they just don't have the knowledge or tools to know exactly what to clean or to what extent. Try to work out a system that works for both of you, and try to make it a team project as much as possible, not you against them.

If there seems to be no definite reason behind your roommate's messiness, suggest a cleaning rotation for the house or flat. Suggest it in an non-confrontational way. For example, "I'm just going to stick up a cleaning rota to remind myself to vacuum on Tuesdays" etc. Ask the messy roommate which tasks suit him or her to get them involved. This should hopefully send a clear message.

2

Find out what messes you both can handle cleaning. If your roommate cannot handle cleaning the kitchen, but doesn't mind cleaning the living areas, work out chores around this. Maybe you could handle the washing up, while your roommate does the sweeping and vacuums. Finding chores that both of you can do will make cleaning easier than giving them chores they don't know how to do or hate doing.

3

Split things that need to be done around the place in two. Clearly assign each of you the cleaning and tidying jobs. Without firm and definite jobs, messier people will often not realize (or care) that they were supposed to do something.

4

If you cannot get help cleaning the bathroom, try leaving the sink, toilet and bathtub full of cleanser. After multiple times your roommate might get the hint, especially if it is put directly on their mess, like toothpaste or other unsavory messes. If you can't get them to pitch in for such products, litter the counter tops with the receipts.

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Tips

If you are sick and tired of tidying up their stuff but don't want to look at it, buy a box to keep under the sink. Then simply put all their dirty dishes etc., in that box. It doesn't solve the problem in the long term but it's a great short term fix if you're having a busy day and haven't time to tidy for two. Make sure you let them know ahead of time if you are going to do this, and check that it is OK with them.

Try and remember to think of the roommate as a person rather than simply a problem. It's all too easy to let a problem like this get in the way of a friendship.

Distinguish between filth and mess. Dirty dishes left for months are unsanitary, but books and papers spread over the desk is just messy. Some people can't function or work in a non-messy space.

If you are living in wardened accommodation or if your landlord is often on call, consider telling them if your roommate refuses to clean. It is often part of the contract that tenants have to keep the accommodation tidy. This is, however, a last resort and you should try to work things out with your roommate first.

Consider having a time each week when you eat together for dinner, then clean the house. A relaxing meal together strengthens the good will between you and also serves as a cue to your roommate that it's time to clean now.

You'd be surprised how helpful people can be when you ask them outright for a hand. Sometimes all a messy roommate needs is for someone to say "I've had a very hard day today. Would you mind doing the dishwasher tonight?".

Warnings

When the rotating platter in the microwave is being used as a dish, you have a problem.

Cleaning up someone else's messy desk rarely works. Typically there's a system in place already, and moving stuff around usually results in items getting lost.

It is best not to hide people's stuff in an attempt to make them tidy. It usually simply results in heated arguments and not much getting done. For this reason, it is best you only ever start doing this if everything else has failed.

Don't be a hypocrite. Make sure that the roommate's mess isn't only marginally bigger than your own. It's easy to ignore our own faults in the process of seeing them in others.

Avoid nagging - it annoys people just as much to be criticized for being dirty as it annoys you to have things dirty.

Don't get angry, or shout, or make petty comments about the person behind their back. This will only make things worse.

Avoid passive-aggression, such as cleaning up after everyone but the messy person. Similarly avoid using passive-aggressive notes around the house. This can end up genuinely confusing and upsetting the roommate. Be sincere and keep the lines of communication open, if there's a problem, talk about it, don't rely on hints or notes.