Back to square one

We had a bit of a break this summer, and I really chilled out. My parents were mostly taking care of the kids most of the time and we were around a lot of people, which always makes my husband behave better. I've been worrying about what would happen once we got back to our normal life, just us and the kids, and needing to be on a schedule for school. Well, it's all fallen apart quickly. Since we've been home from my parents, he's been staying up until all hours, scheduling things he needs to do in the evenings, leaving me alone with the kids, not doing household chores on his list that we agreed to (like dishes), and this morning he totally bailed on the first day of school. He didn't get out of bed until ten minutes before we had to be out the door, then the little one fussed about her socks, and we were all off schedule. I have a back injury, and ended up straining something in the rush, and I can't really sit in the car without tremendous pain anyway, so the ride to school was horrendous for me. I was a little snarly, yes. Once we got the kids both off, we were alone in the car, he was saying that he would not bail tomorrow. And I expressed that I was worried because we seemed to be getting in back into the bad pattern of him being up late and not functioning in the morning. He then got mad at me. And when I said "shit" in the context of , "Let's stop at CVS and pick up what we need, I don't give a shit if takes an extra minute for me to get to work, I told them I wouldn't be in until 10am." He went ballistic, banged the gear shift into park, banged the steering whell, threw his glasses and started screaming at me. He doesn't like my cursing. So that was my big failure of the day. When he pulled up at the next stoplight and was still screaming. I got out of the car and walked home (painfully, slowly, miserably). When I got home, he started a monologue from the other room as he banged stuff around saying things like, "Well, if you thought it was bad before, you ain't seen nothing yet" and other miserable things. I just ignored him and signed on to work. He was just properly diagnosed with ADHD at the beginning of the summer, but is not yet taking any meds but Wellbutrin. I posted about that part of the process before. Now I'm just venting, because I had been trying to stay in a positive mood all summer, but now it's all fallen apart so quickly. I really don't want to get a divorce and split up because of the kids, and because I think he can get through this if he gets proper treatment and anger management help. And because I love the person he is underneath it all. But I can't live with that anger, and the level of mismanagement that comes with his ADHD.

These kinds of setbacks are a kick in the gut. When you get a glimpse of happiness and something resembling normalcy..hell, when you just manage to make it through a few days without a fight..it really hurts when it all comes apart again. It makes no sense. I am so sorry.

One thing I thought might be worth mentioning...my husband took Wellbutrin a few years ago. (he was misdiagnosed and took a few meds before getting properly diagnosed) and it made him very irritable and hostile. Was your DH like this before meds?

My husband was crabby and angry before meds. He has been off the rails for about a year now. It was manageable for me in the 7 or so years before that -- not fun, but I never thought about leaving. Turns out the last week was about him NOT taking the meds. He told me yesterday that he had flaked for a little bit, not taking the Wellbutrin or his diabetes medicine. So on top of being crabby, he didn't feel well because his blood sugar was wacko (which also makes him crabby). Wellbutrin is obviously not the right med for him, but he won't go back to the docs and try something new. He needs to get a stress test before he can take anything on the ADHD list, but he hasn't made any move about doing that since June. And every time I mention it, he barks at me. I decided over the summer that I need to let it go. It's his ADHD. His brain. He has to deal with it on his own. I can't do any of this for him, and it just makes it worse when I get involved in it. He gets angry at me for meddling, I get disappointed in the lack of follow-through and progress. But that doesn't leave us any place good. Because if I dont' get involved, nothing happens. So we are still in the same bad place. He has to decide to make changes and he won't. The only thing that's keeping us together is that I haven't worked up the will to leave yet. I'm not financially dependent on him, but I'm emotionally committed to the idea of our family. At some point, I will break.

You know, i just read your posting again and i'm in a "mood" from something my dh did. well, my dh used to go balistic if i cursed and say that the discussion was over blah, blah, blah.... It's just a way to spin, spin, spin and spin....! I told him when we returned from a horrid vacation this summer, thanks to him, that i was finished. He needed to do the work or we are done. This after 10 years of me going to counseling to better myself and work on my so called "intimacy" issues and family problems. Now, i totally believe it was all the terrible things he has said and done and NOT done to change his imature ways that has turned me off. Not my responsibility to take care of his needs anymore, i dont want to be labeled as "married" anymore. I am NOT his possession and I am done with letting go... Always letting it go... I cant stand to be around him when he drinks. He ruined our childs christmas eve when he said "santa should not come for you tonight because YOU ruined my christmas eve party!" the #+%!? wanted to stay and drink more! Our son cried and cried and cried. I sat with him until he fell asleep and had to tell him that "daddy is not the same when he drinks" and "i am so sorry to have this conversation with you, you are too young to know this, but it is not your fault, beer makes daddy mean" That night and at that very moment, i told him that i was taking the kids to alanon meetings and that he ruined christmas for our son FOREVER! Just thinking about it makes me mad all over again. So...., naturally you would think THIS would have stopped his drinking right in his tracks! Right? hell no! He doesnt do it as much - because i simply will not tolerate it and i will not allow it. I am so upset right now because of something he did last night and i cant stop thinking about it.... I know it may not be anything, but he has been trying so flippin hard for the last few months and he is away with his boss. He called to say good night to the kids early and then hung up with them. Then for no reason at all he called again at 10:30 to say good night to me.... I know to the bottom of my soul he was drinking.... I have told him over and over again if I know he is drinking, i dont want anything to do with him.... And i am all messed up over it. So, is all the work he has done for naught? Can it really go away just like that? I am sick to my stomach that he will be returning tomorrow. Ugh! Sick, sick, sick...

I spoke to him and he said he did not drink last night. I told him how i felt and where my thoughts went and he said he was sorry, that I (me) should have said something to save myself a day. I was afraid to piss him off. Instead i went to a very dark place. What amazes me, is how fast i went to that dark place. Sooo much work to do. Anyway, i am releasing it. Poof.

You might be doing something I spent years doing, but have been recently learning to "nip in the bud". It's called catastrophizing, living in the future, it's way more than just normal worry. It happens when you are in a situation where you don't have all the facts, and you put the worst possible face on them, then take them out to their "logical" (NOT!) conclusion, which is usually disastrous, and leads to an argument, or something even more horrible happening, and all this is happening only in the mind not in the world. Does this resonate with you? Is that the "dark place" you're talking about? Have you ever had conversations or arguments with your husband that never even happened? And they leave you feeling crappy? Let's say I'm driving home from work, and I think I've got to talk to my guy about the finances tonight, then I imagine what I'll say, then I imagine what he'll say, and it won't be good, then I'll imagine feeling hurt, then I'll imagine him not being sensitive to my being hurt, then I'll imagine me feeling more hurt, then I'm home and I'm walking in the door feeling hurt and withdrawn and we haven't even exchanged ONE WORD YET! Man I just realized I have totally confessed to being certifiable. Oh well. What the hell.

Anyway here's how I'm trying to break myself of the habit. When I feel blue or down, I ask my self "Right this minute, are you okay?" I don't mean feel okay, I mean actually okay. No one is hurting me, I'm not starving, not in jail, my lights are still turned on, I have a job, etc. So when your hubby called to say goodnight, and afterwards you were creating a horrible future which did not exist, you could say right this minute am I okay? Next I ask Is what I'm feeling based on something that is true, or which I just think might be true? There's enough actual crap in the world, we don't need to make up more. If I'm totally off base here, just enjoy feeling that at least you don't have this problem! :)

And for the naysayers - I've already been there, I've got you covered. You might think "well, I have enough experience with these "situations" (for example pjloops "knowing" her husband was drinking) that I can pretty well predict how well they will go." Sorry, I ain't buying it. There's time enough in the future for dealing with any crap that comes along. Don't be living it twice --first in your imagination, then in reality. Cause guess what? Your imagining it will make it more likely to happen. Promise.

Thanks gardner, i did do the exact thing you are talking about. The thing that scared me was how fast i was pulled back in! After thinking about it some more, i think i also re-live past experiences over and over and over. It's hard to stop when so much has happened in the past to bring me to this very spot. I usually dont catastrophize things, but, maybe the sense of dread is now the catastrophizing. I'm usually the one that goes minute by minute and then i am scratching my head an hour later wondering what the heck just happened to make me feel so bad. Then the replay happens and i play it over and over and i either let it go or decide to say something. I really need to think before I say stuff because he is quick on the draw! I better have my stuff in order or i will end up in our spin cycle only to still be upset later because i either forgot to say something else or i forgot what else happened. I just never stood up for myself as a kid and never had the opportunity to speak and be heard and i allowed it to happen here too. It was always easier to say "whatever" instead of dig in and prepare for the battle. There were ways for me to get my point heard and i would pop off little tiny things in short bursts to tell him matter of factly whats up and then get the heck out of there before he could defend, fight, or point the finger back at me..... I will see how i think about things for the next couple of days. I have done the "are you ok" too. That is how i managed to get through all these years. That was also a way to let things go, too. If i am fine, and living better than i did as a kid as well as some other people out there, then why should i be complaining. I see that on this site too. My situation has been terrible for a while, a very long, long while, but he see's it now, so I am almost ashamed to keep complaining. I really appreciate all your thoughts. You are always very helpful in every post of yours I read. : )