(Note: If this is your first time you are stepping into my Elul Reflections 5777, please read the Introduction to this series at http://wp.me/pthnB-2NA)

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“What we don’t need in the midst of struggle is shame for being human.” ~ Brené Brown*

I love fiercely; I hurt deeply; I feel joy with every fiber of my body; I am what I am.

For the most part, the outside world sees me as reasonable and grounded. Maybe I am. AND I am also extraordinarily emotional that I have to remember to breathe into any emotion.

Loving life as I do comes at a cost. Intensity and passion run through my veins. This means that those that love me (including myself) have to navigate minefields as well as pure exhilaration. I feel with my entire being. And when I feel comfortable, I literally share my whole self.

The minefields are probably the hardest to navigate. Sometimes I wonder what the hell just exploded inside me. At the same time, I love that I can take a ‘time out’ to catch my breath and become more reasonable. While my outbursts tend to be quick, the furious nature of them aren’t easy to navigate.

When my spirit soars, it is really quite enchanting. The electrifying energy is so life affirming and contagious. I absolutely love when my positive energy touches those around me. Sometimes I wonder who feels better after these exchanges; I love that it seems to be mutual.

I don’t remember always being able to honor my feelings in this way, but I sure do feel blessed to feel comfortable enough inside of myself today.

As grateful as I am that I walk through the world as I do, I also struggle. Feeling with ever fiber of my being has a cost. Every morning, I open my eyes and have to remind myself to breathe deeply and trust in the universe. I also have to do everything I can to quiet my mind so that I can better move through the day. On most days, I do this with ease. I get up, I journal so that acknowledge the fullness of where I am, and then I embrace life with open arms and an excitement to see how my personal life will unfold.

This doesn’t mean I forget the world I live in. I never forget that Trump’s venom is sitting in the White House and Netanyahu’s government poisons Israel. I never forget that climate change may destroy our world and that human slavery is alive today. And every continent has horrific disasters that literally destroy life at every turn.

Life’s many moving parts are a reality. I will always be aware of them and do what I can to make a positive impact while also feeling as intensely as I do. I will also forever feel grateful to my sons who accept all of me (and mostly) accept how I wear my emotions. And I have a few dear friends that are totally present for how I show up. I love that I am (mostly) loved for who I am. That’s pretty awesome considering I can’t be anyone else. 🙂

As I was wrapping up this blog, I was notified by Facebook that I shared the following hope card* last year when I posted about My Morning Pages/Writings. I love how this card showed up now.

Accepting my own humanity as I try to navigate my many imperfections can be really daunting. I tend to be really hard on myself especially when anger or deep sadness pour from my soul. At the same time I am embracing the fullness of who I am. I am beautifully imperfect, I am what I am. I am me.

Note:

Quote was from audiobook by Brené Brown from Men, Women, and Worthiness: The Experience of Shame and the Power of Being Enough; 2012.

Courtesy of Bone Sigh Arts and Terri St. Cloud. These Hope Cards have been a gift. Find them: https://goo.gl/uVc1lc

While I am far from perfect, I tend to walk into almost any new environment with warmth and love in my heart. I can’t help but smile at babies or any child, seniors, and animals. Beauty always brings tears to my eyes and authenticity jazzes my soul.

With each step, I remember that my energy is what people meet first.

I love that people are drawn to my energy. My only hope is that I wish I could be healthier, more vibrant, and even more inspirational. And yet, I also love that even if I am not all of these things, I still have the ability to make strangers smile, dogs wag their tails, and children play with me.

On a good day, I make new friends wherever I go and sometimes, I am blessed to connect with a new soul friend with barely a word spoken.

Beauty surrounds me.

On a bad day, I can become hyper-focused and forget that regardless of what is happening, life is not all about me or what I need to accomplish. My hope is that when I get like this, I can turn it off quickly. Sometimes I am lucky enough to do just that.

A few years ago, I visited one of my congregants post surgery. As she laid surrounded by loved ones in ICU, I walked into the room. With tears in my eyes, I was instantly transformed. I remembered another time and place when I had no words for my own family who painfully and awkwardly stood vigil for one of our loved ones. But within moments, I asked the family if I could pray with one of the most beautiful souls I knew. And when they said yes, I found myself chanting and praying with an intensity that felt right for that moment. Fortunately, this horrific chapter had a happy ending; my congregant was able to not only live, but thrive again.

Pain and memories are part of life.

For some reason, the above hospital visit touched me deeply. Walking into this congregant’s hospital room nearly paralyzed me. And yet, I quickly realized that there was no time for self-absorption; this was a time for unconditional love. In fact nearly every time I walk into a new environment, I find myself propelled towards warmth and love.

Over time, connections evolve and become grounded in a beautiful reality. But it is always my hope that when you meet me, you will meet a sweet energy that makes you want to get to know who is walking through the door.

Last night, as I closed my eyes, my mind started to focus on the role of truth in our lives.

With that two Jewish teachings popped into my mind.

Teaching One

The world stands on three things:on justice, on truth, and on peace.Mishna, Avot 1:18

and

Teaching Two

Truth vs Falsehood אֱמֶת ושֶׁקֶר

“The Talmud (104a) finds great significance in the form and order of the Hebrew alphabet, devoting nearly a page to understanding the symbolism behind the order and design of the alphabet. The most famous of these passages is the analysis of the Hebrew words for truth and falsehood, emet and sheker. The base of the letters (aleph mem taav) of emet is solid, while the letters of sheker (shin kuf reish) are wobbly, having only one “leg” each. Furthermore, the letters of sheker are the 21st, 19th and 20th letters respectively; whereas emet has the first, last, and middle letters of the alphabet. While one may have to look for truth, truth is true everywhere; whereas lies, readily available, have to be constantly updated for each new situation.”
By Rabbi Jay Kelman in http://bit.ly/1ExqL1c

Both teachings focus on the significance of truth within our lives. Balance really is much easier to find when you focus on living a life a truth. I love that Judaism surrounds me with teachings that support the act of living consciously. And I am fortunate that in this moment it supports what I intuitively believe around truth vs falsehood….Jewish teachings don’t always work so easily. 🙂

Making Truth vs Falsehood Personal

Throughout my life I have experienced deception on so many levels both big and small. Sometimes it is as simple as navigating half-truths or silence; sometimes it is as complicated as denial or downright lies. But as I move into what could be the second half of my life, I realize that I want to live in a place of authenticity and grace regardless of where I stand.

In my life, I have, like many of us, been known for being silent or sharing only half truths and I have experienced the same realities from those in my life. As I move forward in my life, I crave people that inspire transparency and allow me the space to be transparent. Whether friend or lover, employer or employee, I want to be surrounded with people that don’t need to hide behind half-truths or downright lies. I also want to be the person that can hear both what is being said and what is not being said.

Trusting my heart to receive the truth and to share the truths will only happen as I develop a practice that is worthy of such a life. In order to make trust an integral part of my life, I need to first make practice a conscious one. I prefer to choose to live with integrity and surround myself with those that live in a place with a similar practice.

When considering Teaching One (see above), I find myself faced with a question. How can we have justice, truth, and peace with each interaction? We can’t – of course. Justice and truth do not always leave us with a sense of peace. Dealing with truth and sometimes justice can be hard. Our feelings are a huge variable in this journey. And what feels good to one isn’t necessarily good for others. Ugh!

Lately, I have been considering the role of true friends in my life. I am actively trying to find a way to navigate those that really see things in a way that I find, quite honestly, sick. How can they be close friends if their values or thought processes make me extremely uncomfortable. Recently, a childhood friend became furious with me because of an article I posted on Facebook. In truth, this person is sort of like family. I shouldn’t have been happy to have her out of my Facebook life, but I was thrilled! We all have own truths, our own ways of seeing things. And sometimes, I just don’t want to debate or to hear the other side. . . I have to, how else will I learn? Sigh. Balance. . .always working towards finding balance.

When you don’t like how someone thinks, it is really challenging to navigate a warm relationship in which peace can grow. There is no way that someone can convince me that that certain politics makes sense. PERIOD. I don’t understand how people shop at Walmart when they don’t need to. Why would anyone that understands slave labor purchase products that support such practices. And if I have to silence my passions, can I be in a place of truth within a friendship. In the same way that each of us have our own truths, each of us also have to choose how to live and to make decisions based on our values. Aren’t we all evolving?

I am struggling.

And since I am already a little cranky about how to connect with people when I dislike some of their values and belief systems, why not explore another challenging aspect of my struggle with truth.

I am learning; I am growing.

Not everyone feels the need to share their soul or raw energy as openly as I do – that has to be ok. I am blessed with so many different types of people in my world and not all of them walk in the world as I do. Just because someone chooses not to share the entire picture, doesn’t mean they are speaking a half-truth or falsehood. Does it?

Close relationships may be the perfect place to hold back just a little. Do we really need to fully express our feelings to those closest to us? As a mother, I wonder. Part of helping my sons to develop into secure adults is by allowing them the room to express themselves without me needing to influence them. With them, I am learning to say that I think it is best for me to refrain from sharing my thoughts at this time so that they can best figure out their thoughts for themselves. But what about a partner or a spouse, sometimes we feel like we need to know everything, but other times people need their space.

The key to all interactions is realizing your non-negotiables, what aren’t you willing to be flexible about. Finding balance is not as easy as always being in truthful place, but to me I keep seeking to find the best way to navigate with others; I need to cultivate the solid footing that comes with walking the path of אֱמֶת, truth. Perhaps what I need is to hold myself with transparency and grace, then I can hope to surround myself with those that do the same.

Relationships are so complicated.

“The Universe doesn’t like secrets. It conspires to reveal the truth, to lead you to it.” ― Lisa Unger, Beautiful Lies

Tonight we counted Day 42 of the Omer, which is 6 weeks of the counting. Day 42 is referred to as Malkhut sheh b’Yesod, Shekhinah within our Foundation. Shekhinah is a way of looking at Malkhut (meaning kingdom). When God or godliness dwells in one central location, you have a kingdom.

Bringing godliness into my essence or foundation comes from walking with my heart and soul wide open. The world isn’t always ready for my rhythm, but when I am truly open to being my authentic self I seem to touch people which in return warms my heart . Walking gently, being loving, valuing all life-forces, and living fully are ways for moving through life.

Many years ago, my heart was broken when my writing became a painful struggle. For a long period of time, I choose not to type or to write a word that was personal. I closed myself off from the written word. During this time, my youngest son Dovi knew something was wrong. Every day, for months, he would look deep into my eyes and ask me if today would be a writing day. When I finally returned to my writing, my entire being was once again being nourished with inner-peace/godliness. I felt the Shekhinah’s presence return to my life; I saw Dovi’s beautiful energy soar; he had his Imma (mother) back.

With each breath, I pray that my body, my mind and my soul are at one with the universe and all that she encompasses.

Last night we counted Day 32 of the Omer, which is 4 weeks and four days of the counting. Today is referred to as Netzach sheh b’Hod, Endurance within Expansiveness.

Did you look at the full moon last night? Amazing. . .truly amazing!!

Photo courtesy of Wicca Davidson

There is something about the moon that always touches me deeply; I love watching her cycle, feeling the guidance of her light, and feeling her soothing energy. Each and every time I see the moon in all of her expansiveness, my heart beats a little faster and peacefulness seeps into my heart.

The moon has always been my comfort, my confidant, and my constant. The moon is simply always there to nurture my spirit. When I struggle with life, I feel supported through all that I am navigating; the moon is soothing my spirit with her gentle light. When the moon is bright, her light joins me as I chant from my heart; when the tears start to flow, I don’t have to hide them. Quite simply the moon is with me every day of my life and always has been.

Life is full of gifts and challenges, light and dark times, beauty and ugliness. Reality isn’t always easy; reality isn’t always hard. Having the moon guide me through each and every night makes it possible for me to thrive as I do. Her light warms my soul and illuminates my core.

Tonight as you look at the moon, feel her essence illuminate yours.

helps me remain open to the possibilities that surround me. The muted light connects me to the world with a realistic light for

It’s official. . .I am certifiably nuts. . . Tonight I went out walking and I serenaded the moon. While Dovi, my 15 year old son, might not forgive me, I am thrilled to have decompressed in this way.

I am one of the most intense people I know. I rarely shut down and just chill, but tonight I did. Tonight I sang and created new lyrics to songs that usually have different words. I chanted chants that move me to a spiritual place. I laughed out loud and smiled broadly. I felt truly alive.

As someone who has yet to study the power of the full moon, I believe it had something to do with the full moon’s energy. Perhaps it also had to do with my need to relax and appreciate the rhythm of the earth and the rhythm of the sky. My entire body reverberated from the energy I was feeling and it still is.

Life’s biggest gifts come when you open your eyes a little wider than normal, breathe a little deeper than usual, and watch things unfold. Today that’s exactly what I did. I appreciated what was and appreciated the moments as they unveiled themselves.

A few days ago, a distant friend who feels like a soul friend, asked me if I was ok. With that one question, I was struck with the fact that I had not been managing my intensity as I should. And now, I feel blessed by both the question and the realization that came to me 24 hours later. While I embrace life and the emotional roller-coaster that comes with it, I really am feeling grounded and content. While I am actively engaged in life’s journeys, I am also conscious of each and every emotion. The bottom-line is I am an intense soul who constantly navigates the world and all of the inhabitants that I encounter.

I think, I feel, I dream, I vision, I seek, and I struggle. I hope, I believe, I soar, and I embrace life intensely. And yet when the day is done, when the moment ends, I am basically a content woman. I love life.

Tonight the moon called to me. She showed me her beautiful energy and she surrounded me too. With that realization, I became acutely aware that my heart was soaring and my soul was singing. And with each step under the moon and stars, I found my voice.