11. How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.

12. If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.

13. Nog (Quark's nephew on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

18. If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

19. If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard, "Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy."_________________Those who wish to appear wise among fools, among the wise seem foolish.

Things Found Only In America
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering._________________Those who wish to appear wise among fools, among the wise seem foolish.

Only in America ..... a child molester can go free ! That's Michael Jackson, for those of you who do not know whom am I referring to !_________________Bogdan Voicu
("Good judgement comes from experience but experience comes from a lot of (previous) bad judgements").

Occurance:
Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slighlty lower concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal fluctuations.

Physical Properties:
1) Surface usually covered with painted film.
2) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3) Melts if given special treatment.
4) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!
5) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

Chemical Properties:
1) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many of the Precious Stones.
2) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
4) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in alcohol to a certain point.
5) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.
6) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.

Uses:
Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
Can cool things down when it's too hot.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch, the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car!"

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, "Coldwater, go lie down!"_________________Those who wish to appear wise among fools, among the wise seem foolish.

The best break up letter ever! A soldier stationed in Iraq recently received
a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

"Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just
too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been
gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the
picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky.............."

The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any
snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends.
In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures
of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:

"Dear Becky, I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the f*** you are.
please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.