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Thank You Online Reviews For Ruining….Well…..EVERYTHING…..

“Opinions are like assholes”…. used to be a valid point…. Ironically those that throw that saying around simply forget it’s importance when they decide that their opinion matters and they sit down to write a review….

How can I put this lightly….. I fucking hate online review sites…. I really do…. Ok….Let me retract what I just said…. I don’t hate online review sites…. I hate the people that write on online review sites…. As if their opinions matter….. These self important assholes have the ability to affect one’s business…. and…. more times than not…. their idiotic interpretation of what is actually going on vs. what should be going on…..prevails and hurts people that actually work for a living…..

I don’t write reviews… Never have…. I do…however…read reviews from time to time…..but not because I’m looking for someone’s opinion of what my permanent roommate and I should do that weekend…or where we should eat…or what we should buy….. but because people are fucking idiots and I enjoy watching them without having to look at them….. For me it’s easy to picture their thin lips puckered …. their brows furrowed… as they hastily type the review that EVERYONE wants to see… I like to picture this…I don’t want to actually witness this……

They rant and they rave …

I don’t like positive reviews… They are very boring…. If there’s the option… I’ll skip to the lowest reviews possible… That’s where the idiocracy of the entitled class shines….

For those of you who may write reviews or will possibly write a review one day…. here are the dos and don’ts of review writing….

Please keep in mind that writing a review should pertain to the product if the review is written on the site that makes said product…. I hate when some jack off writes a review and gives the item a single star because it took five days to arrive at their house…. You fucking idiot….!! What does shipping time have to do with the actual review of manufactured item that is currently in your possession…??… Does the damn thing work…???.. That’s all anyone really wants to know…..

Same applies to items that arrive unassembled….. I gave this item one star because it was blah blah blah to put together….???… Are you kidding me..??… Once your dumb ass finally figures out how to put the lid on the new thermos you bought….will you let everyone know if it will keep their coffee hot ..??… Or that shed you built…..The company sending only 2438 screws for your shed when you needed 2440 is irrelevant….. Quit whining… Go buy some screws…. Put your damn shed up….. Spray the roof with a hose for twenty minutes…. Check for leaks and let the good people know if getting the same shed is something one should consider…. This is how product reviews should work….

Restaurant reviews are ridiculous in my opinion…. First off…. everyone has different tastes… Secondly…picky eaters are picky eaters…. and they bitch about anything and everything….Third…. Unless you have worked in the service industry ( I truly believe everyone should be required to spend six months of servingtudebefore they are allowed to make most life decisions) don’t say a fucking word about the service… You have no idea what that poor soul is going through…. You’d probably do an even shittier job if put in that situation…. Most importantly though…Please keep in mind that you are NOT a foodie… ( I hate that term)….Chances are…. most people that write reviews on food are incapable of listing the three things you need to make a box of mac and cheese…( four if you add salt) therefore they cannot be looked upon as having any authority when it comes to reviewing something that someone else made… that they couldn’t make for themselves without a recipe… If it was good and you just have to tell somebody…. say it was good….. If it was bad… you’d better be able to describe in detail what was actually wrong with it… If you are a picky eater… you MUST admit that you are a picky eater…. that way people know not to take you seriously…..

The one that pisses me off the most is book reviews…. If you don’t like a book…. and you give it a low rating… that’s fine….but… if you didn’t understand the book… don’t give it a low rating…. If there are a lot of grammatical errors… get over it and yourself…. Unless you are an editor…….keep your self proclaimed editing super powers to yourself… In fact ….even if you are an editor the same applies to you….. I hate reading reviews on books that talk about misspelling and grammatical errors…. Is that all you got out of the book…??.. Do your editing super powers inhibit your ability to comprehend shit…??…Seriously… Who gives a damn if a few words were misspelled…. or there were a few commas out of place….or sentence structure didn’t make sense to you… Only review the book….the story…. nothing more….

Nowadays you can review pretty much anything… What I listed are only a few examples…there are millions of things to review….. I’m not saying that reviews are irrelevant….but they are irrelevant…. Make up your own mind… Don’t waste time reading reviews so others can influence whether or not you’ll enjoy something….. If you’re not reading reviews simply for amusement … please try not to take them very seriously….

For those of you like that write reviews… and really think that what you say matters…… why not instead of ruining another persons livelihood….you do what the rest of us self important assholes do…..

BLOG…..

On a quick side note…. If you are ever bored ….or drunk…. and want to read some funny reviews… I recommend haribro gummy bears on amazon.com…..