It’s all fun and games until Canada’s Prince Charming turns into a toad.

Bachelor Brad Smith, who has espoused the virtues of commitment and communication for weeks now, handed roses to the exact two girls he has identified as being emotionally closed off and perhaps not ready for a serious relationship: Whitney and Bianka.

Kara, my mascara streams down my cheeks with yours.

It’s safe to say most viewers went into this week’s episode expecting that after Whitney’s cold and calculating side was exposed during the home visits last week, she was going to be the one sent packing Wednesday night. (Well played, you crafty reality TV producers you, well played.) Exactly no one was going to miss her. That included, it seemed, Brad: “I can’t be with someone who’s emotionally repressed and that’s what I get from her.”

So I let my guard down. I watched “the most amazing fantasy dates ever” transpire in the Maritimes to Celtic music, secure in the knowledge that the only real heart that would break this episode would be New Brunswick’s. (There were three dates in three Atlantic provinces. You know which ones were chosen.)

But this episode took a turn for the weird, fast. I’m talking, of course, about the high-stakes overnight dates in “fantasy suites” that followed the regular one-on-one outings. All three girls said yes to Brad’s proposal, though well aware that the invitation was being extended to a different girl in a different province the next night. The Bachelor Canada: a little like a swingers party. A very one-sided swingers party.

Perhaps Aaron can tell us a bit about how the overnight dates play out on the American series. My key question: Has a bachelorette ever failed to receive a rose, then revealed that she’s pregnant? Would the show have you sign a waiver on that?

Part of the reason I’m feeling so sore over this episode is, of course, that I had both called Brad as being a nice guy and predicted he would ultimately choose Kara. Going forward, I just don’t know what to think, and what to make of Brad–is he secretly intimidated by the idea of a woman saying “yes” at the end of this? As it becomes more and more clear that Whitney just isn’t that into him, is he getting caught up in the thrill of the chase?

“I still believe that I could be the guy for her,” he told the cameras.

The only thing keeping me going at this point is the promise of a reappearance by Senator Larry Smith, Brad’s dad, when the two remaining girls meet his family later on.

Because Brad, man. You’ve changed.

From: AaronTo: Sonya, Colin

My favourite part of every Bachelor season is the arrival of the “fantasy suite” invitations, when the remaining contestants are presented with the opportunity to spend a night “as a couple” with the Bachelor or Bachelorette. Basically it’s like presenting a member of the opposite sex with a card that says “Would you like to have sex with me right now? Check yes or no.” In this case, it seemed Brad could barely contain his boyish glee as each of the ladies read their respective cards.

For the most part the sexy time is only alluded to: awkward giggles, rose pedals on the bed, then cut to exterior shot of the bedroom light going off. But this time Bianka—once again daring to challenge the show’s reality—confronted the weirdness, confessing that she was a bit uncomfortable spending the night with a gentleman who was about to spend the two subsequent nights with two other women. (In the ensuing debate, Brad somehow thought it would help to tell her that the other women were totally okay with it.) After a few uncomfortable moments during which it seemed he might cry, she came around and decided to spend the night. I think I’m supposed to high-five him here, but I don’t know the emoticon for that.

So far as I know, Sonya, no one’s ever ended up pregnant as a result of a night in the fantasy suite. I imagine there are producers and lawyers and signed agreements involved in ensuring all precautions are taken. In fact, I’m going to go ahead and assume there’s a producer in the bed with the couple the entire night to ensure all protocols are followed.

Presumably, one way or the other, Brad didn’t sleep much this week. Or he’s been hypnotized by Whitney’s eyebrows. Or he’s been hypnotized by Whitney’s boobs. Whatever the case, his decision to send Kara home seemed shockingly dumb. Not least because the producers had spent the previous hour trying to convince the viewer that Kara was obviously and resoundingly the girl for Brad. Maybe this was meant to make the end of this episode a surprise. Or maybe this was meant to make us think Brad is an idiot. I’m reminded of Brad’s comments about there being a difference between what’s going on and what we see. But this was a wholly weird ending: punctuated by Whitney’s post-rose interjection that she needed to talk to Brad. Though she privately confessed to not being sure that she and Brad were meant to be together, once she had an opportunity to talk to him, she didn’t seem to have anything to say. And, er, that was that.

So it’s all a bit of a mess at this point, I think. Which ss maybe as it is supposed to be.

From: ColinTo: Sonya, Aaron

A fine mess, indeed. But maybe this is what we should have expected after Brad started the whole week off with the lofty proclamation that “I hope the Maritimes help me find the person I’m going to be with for the rest of my life.” It’s up to you, Eastern Canada! No pressure. Oh wait, I meant ALL OF THE PRESSURE.

There was some pretty sage advice handed out near the end of this week’s episode by way of a cross-country telephone call. Whitney, who suddenly had cold feet about, well, everything, called her sister Camille in Calgary (it was unclear whether she talked to her dad) and fretted that should she be the one left standing after that evening’s rose ceremony, she might not be actually capable of going through with it. Camille replied it would probably be unfair to go on with things – unfair to Brad, unfair to herself. “Follow your heart, it might not be the easiest but it’s probably the best,” she said.

Yes, exactly. Isn’t that what this whole show is about, fundamentally?

I find it interesting that it’s becoming increasingly clear that the majority of those remaining in the final weeks are totally incapable of following that logic, even though it’s technically what they’re all here to do. Brad in particular is becoming an insufferable hypocrite, droning on and on about how he really just needs a gal who’ll, y’know, be open about her emotions and stuff because, like, that’s what he really needs after shutting himself down and all that. And yet, curiously, he has decided to keep the two girls who are least capable of showing off any of those attributes, even when he’s asked them to do so directly.

When it comes to Bianka, her reticence to commit to anything in the beginning initially seemed rather levelheaded. Why would she fall in love instantly with some guy she’d never met? Smart! I’m doubting this performance more and more each week. I suspect she’s a sham, constructed from the plastic reality she continues to throw herself into – just a vacuous expanse of “ums” and “I don’t knows”, all of it feigned reluctance disguising what seems like the true ulterior motive: fame. As for Whitney? “I just don’t know if I’m actually ready for — if this is actually what I really want,” she blubbered into her iPhone down the line to her sister. But how easy it seemed for her to wait until after actually getting a rose and assuring herself a spot in the final two before telling Brad any of it. Is her competitive streak that strong? Or is she just Queen Manipulator? Hard, stubborn, fake, and ultimately very boring – Whitney has a silicone personality to match everything else.

And yet, and yet, and yet…

Perhaps I’m being too harsh. Maybe, like I pointed out with Laura B, we’re all entitled to a bit of a breakdown of logic and the giving in to emotional (coastal) waves that blind us and override our sense of self, self-worth, or self-respect. Are these three any less forgivable for being immensely frustrating? Probably not. They’re human, after all. Maybe Brad is all talk and, as you suggest, Sonya, isn’t ready for anything other than the chase.

Or maybe, as you say, Aaron, Brad’s just an idiot. Maybe they’re all idiots.

To be fair to Brad, handling eight people—men or women—vying for your attention in a small champagne-soaked hotel room in New Orleans, only hours after each of them has given you a private burlesque performance would probably be a bit much for anyone to manage. And to his credit, under the circumstances, he seemed to deal with it fairly well—all episode, in fact. He even managed to deal with Melissa Marie P (for ‘Playboy,’ presumably)’s unstoppable barrage of impatient attempts at getting him into a very serious and heavy conversation about how much he, the Bachelor, does or does not want to love parenthood.

He also handled Laura B’s unexpected breakdown near the end, where she seemed to become suddenly enveloped in some seriously crushing self-doubt, to the point where she was worried Brad would eventually come to realize how boring she is. This struck me as an odd, if somewhat endearing, admission, considering how little we all know about Brad so far. To this point, he’s effectively a waxen figurine the producers cart around to North American vacation destinations so they have an excuse to get a bunch of girls drunk and competitive. That is to say, he’s not so compelling, either, as of yet. Dry your eyes, Laura B.

Anyway, what’s great about reality TV is how quickly we have to get to know—and distinguish between—characters. Whitney is clearly the villain, Gabrielle is the more likeable underdog villain-in-waiting, and Chantelle is obviously the girl from that My Little Pony commercial you saw in the ’80s. I think in the same way that anyone else might be on this show, Melissa Marie was trying to carve out an identity—one that’s perhaps closer to “Single Mom” than “Playboy Model.” But she failed in doing that. Why?

Because she was annoying, yes. But, oh, can’t it be because of something more?

There’s this Marshall McLuhan quote I think of when I see reality TV, where he was talking about how technology (read: TV) changes how people think about themselves. Show business, he said, “has become one way of establishing identity by just put-ons, and without the put-on you’re a nobody.” I don’t know what Melissa Marie’s put-on was, but I don’t think she had one and I think that was her ultimate undoing. I think she just misunderstood what this was all about. I’d also guess Michelle V (of the end-of-show I-just-want-someone-to-love-me confessional) didn’t either. Laura B has no idea who she is, let alone probably any idea of how to adopt yet another identity on top of the one she already has, but she hung in there, bless her. Ana? She’s like a Wedding Crashers persona: Haunted Past.

I find myself again coming back to Bianka, who is still perhaps the most interesting one of them all, in some ways. The dark horse, I think. Or Supervillain?

And what kind of guy is Brad, anyway? Do we have any idea? I was surprised that after so much apparent love (and many tongue-diving kisses) for Whitney, he chose Laura B and Chantelle for his roses. Does this mean he sees through it all?

I demand answers and postmodern one-liners.

From: Sonya To: Aaron, Colin

All right, Colin. Here you go. It’s Larry McCaffrey, musing about The Bachelor Canada‘s product placement, as far as I can tell: “This is the postmodern desert inhabited by people who are, in effect, consuming themselves in the form of images and abstractions through which their desires, sense of identity, and memories are replicated and then sold back to them as products.”

Squeezed between the Whitney vs. Gabi trash talk this week, we saw eight bachelorettes shave their legs with Schick Hydro Silk razors, Brad and Ana lounge on HBC blankets drinking Molson Canadian and Whitney throw a fit over the apparently significant brand names of the dress and necklace that Brad gives to Laura B.

Leg shaving. Jewel ogling. That dazed remark about how the long-stem rose lying on the table “actually has a really long stem.” This week’s episode of Survivor: Vancouver Island was no victory for womankind.

With one exception. The bachelorette I enjoyed most this week—and it seems I disagree with Colin here—was Melissa Marie. That bad attitude. That bitterness. She’s Canada’s own Kristen Stewart! This episode desperately needed Melissa, with her concerns about Brad’s suitability as a step-father, as a contrast to the bachelorette mentality that Brad is, undeniably, The One. At the end of each perfect, romantic date he had this episode, we’re hearing words like “meant to be.” Finally, of Melissa, he said: “This one is going downhill with no brakes.” That. That is a realistic dating experience. I am sad to see her go.

Looking ahead, I think the one to watch is The Vein in Whitney’s Head, most prominently seen in HD during the rose ceremony when Whitney’s archrival Gabi was given a rose before her. “I’m definitely a person who refuses to lose,” Whitney told the cameras earlier in the episode, while being handed the keys to a Ferrari and told that if she drives it the fastest, she’ll win a one-on-one date with Brad. (She succeeded.) We’ve established that Brad might not have been ready to become a step-dad to Melissa’s daughter. Is he ready to become guardian to The Vein?

For that matter, will we ever know anything about Brad?? I’ll turn that over to Aaron.

From: Aaron To: Sonya, Colin

Brad is but a mirror. In his large, straight and perfectly white teeth, these women see themselves and are made to confront who they really are.

To be honest, I kind of want to just skip ahead to the season finale when the producers will announce that they’ve already started shooting a Canadian version of The Bachelorette and that Chantelle is the star. I am completely and hopelessly in love with the idea of watching a reality TV show about this woman.

Let’s review the basics. Chantelle is a pastor from Alberta who giggles at everything and looks like Anna Faris‘ long lost twin. Also, she is a virgin. This last bit she confessed in this week’s episode to Melissa Marie, the Playboy model and single mother. Chantelle and Melissa Marie are friends who bonded in the first episode over Melissa Marie’s ability to identify fake breasts. I’m pretty sure, in addition to watching Chantelle as the bachelorette, I would also watch a buddy comedy starring Chantelle and Melissa Marie.

Chantelle is cute. This is the word Brad uses to describe her, repeatedly. Not “cute” like “I want to make out with you,” but “cute” as in “look at that adorable puppy.” I fear this means Chantelle won’t last much longer than a few more weeks, but I’m pretty sure these weeks are going to constitute an epic, giggly, morality play that begs us to consider deep questions about the human soul.

At the start of this week’s episode, Chantelle was one of eight women selected to accompany Brad to the “Big Easy.” (None of the women could figure out where the Big Easy was. Guesses included: a mountain, something to do with surfing and New York.) Once in New Orleans, the women were ordered to don skimpy outfits and perform a burlesque dance for Brad. Brad attempted to explain this as a test of character (something about going with the flow and being spontaneous). And this, of course, constituted a moral crisis for Chantelle. She was concerned about the kids in her youth group seeing this, but obviously torn. “‘i’m a woman of faith,” she explained, “but I’m also someone who wants to fall in love.” There is a lot going on in that sentence. The producers liked this line enough that they played it three times. What they cut out was the rest of the sentence. In full, it should read, “I’m a woman of faith, but I’m also someone who wants to fall in love, so I’m now going to dance provocatively on national television for a man I’ve barely met as part of a reality television show that has a very poor track record of leading people to lasting and enduring love.”

Let’s be serious for a moment: Can anyone rationally participate in something like this with any rational expectation of finding true love? You can maybe tell yourself that this is as good a way as any of finding your soulmate. But ultimately, somewhere deep inside, you have to know this is a lark. A silly thing that might be fun and, hey, who knows, you might fall in love and then you’ll have a hilarious story to tell your children someday (and the excruciating video to prove it). Anything above and beyond that is some kind of, as McLuhan might say, a put-on. That’s all this is, right?

But here’s the thing: Chantelle seems like the most sincerest person in the whole world. She is purity personified (and not just because of the whole not-having-had-the-sex thing). And now here she is in this fun house of mirrors. I fear for her. I cheer for her. I suspect this will all end badly and then she will be rewarded with her own TV contract. And then I will watch that show.