Walt Disney's new film called "Jet Black" (the non racist version of "Snow
White") has been put on hold. All of the 7 dwarfs : Dealer, Stealer,
Mugger, Car Jack, Drive By, Pimp and MoFo, have refused to sing "Hi Hoe".
They also say they have no frigen intention of "Going off to work".

The other night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in the hospital's Emergency Room with tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me and It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.

She looked at me deep & steady and I heard her slowly say: "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.
The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.
The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.
The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes.
The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.
But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's' teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender says "Hey pirate, is that a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?" The pirate says "Arrrg, it's driving me nuts."

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure, a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off.

When he is fully undressed, she instructs him to lie down on the table.

The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him.

Upon the completion of the act, the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vasectomy is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient, and quicker.

The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are going down the hall, the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating. Curious, the man asks, "What are they doing in there"?

The nurse responds, "They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross and they have Obama Care."

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Danny Zwick, a redneck former insurance industry executive and now part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Danny, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Danny was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Danny showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:

"First", Danny said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Fourth", Danny said, "I want all the children raised in my faith." Once again it was agreed.

"And last," Danny said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00.

This ******* looked ​ ​
at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a
few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of ​ ​
you."

When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really ​?​
" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."

When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so ​?​
"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

In a dark pub man sees three girls leaning over the bar with knees on the bar stoolsSo he yells, hey blonde, you - the one in the middle, there’s a rip in center of the seat of your pantsShe says how’d ya know? Never thought anyone’d see it being this darkHe tells her... no need seeing it... just follow my nose!

When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

One woman says to another... my, my you look pretty!Other women says to complimenter... you gotta be kidding, I just got upFirst woman points toward a man and says... ask him, you’ll seeMan looks em both up and down, then replies, you both look like sluts to me... wanna pull a three way!

When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

So a guy walks into a church and blows out all the candlesConstituent comes quickly over and loudly chastises him... now just why did you do that?He says quiet down bitch, dark enough now so I can take you just like yesterday on this same pewShe says, well sir, that certainly was not me... he says, who cares it’s you NOW!

I was driving through northern Illinois last night listening to a call-in program on WGN in Chicago.
People were calling in all upset about the goat's head sent to Cubs owner Tom Ricketts at Wrigley Field.
Some guy called in from Indiana and said, "Why are you all so upset because someone sent a goat's head to Wrigley Field?
Aren't you the guys that sent a horse's ass to the White House".

>THE BEAR REMOVER
>
>A man
>wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he
> looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear
>Removers."
>
>He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30
> minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's
>got a
> ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
>
>"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
>
>"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go
> up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
>When
> the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and
> not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him
>in
> the cage in the back of the van.."
>
>He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks
> the homeowner.
>
>"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"

As I assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.

He winked at my grandson and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my grandson asked.

"Cross my heart," the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing),

"Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My grandson stared at his ice cream for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman.

When I was young I decided to go to Medical School.At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS and form the name of an importanthuman body part which is most useful when erect.Those who answered spine are doctors today while the rest of us are posting and reading jokes on the internet.

__________________
You never really learn to swear until you become a boat owner!

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.
You sell them and retire on the income

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why
the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...