Shot In The Back - The Snipers Story - The Astonishing Conspiracy To Stop Ronaldo

We can exclusively reveal that a former football manager turned character assasin has broken ranks from the corrupt underbelly of football to tell his amazing story.

The hit-man who we only know as Alexi described how he was chosen from a group of elite football coaches behind the Iron Curtain and secretly planted in the English Premier League as part of a sleeper cell. He was selected for his shooting ability after his 57 year old youth coach Aryush Goodinuv remarked to a polit bureau member that: "He rifled a bullet of a shot right on target. Tremendous accuracy over distance for a lad his age".

He was immediately sent to a top secret training camp in Glasgow for the next 25 years where he was taught to use time as his weapon and live or die by the clock. To gain first team experience he was sent as a reserve to play with some partisans in Belgrade. He used the skills learned in Glasgow to great effect easily switching from Bells to Smirnoff and back again between rounds. He's says he does not remember how many rounds he got through in Belgrade. His comrades recall one thing, he didn't get through as many as they did. Such was his accuracy not his inability to prise his wallet from his boot, you understand.

Eventually he recieved his orders to learn to combine his shooting ability with the martial arts. He studied the "Way of the Prawn" a technique practiced by the Monks of the Prawn Wan Ton Monastary. He also received specialised instruction in the use of the LobStraw, a deadly blowpipe used for shooting trained prawns coated in a toxin similar to Marmite at the intended target. Once stuck to the target the prawn will secrete the toxin and gently slap at the skin near the side of your nose until you literally go mad from the irritating little prawn flapping away, rubbing your face in it.

Eventually under orders, Alexi, using his expert linguistic skills and talent for accents boarded a private Lear jet and headed for England where he was commisioned try to stop Ronaldo.

"I was the 2nd gunman by the Biffa bins in the matchday carpark. It was just like that film Day of the Mackerel and I was The Mackerel," Alexi reveals. "During the game I used a secret tunnel that brings you to the technical area beside the pitch. I had a clear shot at Ronaldo. Time stood still and I fired the LobStraw as Ronaldo sprinted past. The prawn hit him in the back and he fell. Amazingly he got up again. Again I fired, again and again, each time the projectile shrimp were finding their target and each time he fell he rose again. It turned out he'd been using Marmite on his hair and over time, his body had built up a tolerance to quite large doses of the yeast extract."

The mission was a complete failure.

Alexi was fired.

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