Once upon a time there was a woman who was poor as shit. She was so poor she snacked exclusively on diner-ganked saltine crackers smothered in grape jelly. She accepted date invites so she could do fun things like eat food. Despite her destitute she thrived. Except replace “thrived” with “didn’t die”. And now she wants to help you also not die and live the rest of your dumb life as a not-dead-person.

Some people might tell you it’s a good idea to buy cheap clothing. Fuck those people. They’ve obviously been deeply hurt and want to pass that hurt on. Don’t fall victim.

Instead subscribe to the “Your Thing” method. Start by picking “your thing”. Is it shoes? Jeans? Satin flight suits? Whatever it is, don’t cheap on it. Treat it as if you birthed it, fed it with your nipples and let it live rent free well into its twenties. Do this and you’ll end up saving money as demonstrated by the maths below.

Basic Fucking Economics

Forever 21 Purse You Convince Yourself You Love ($28)/ Number of Times Used (2) = $14 per wear

Louis Vuitton Purse You Actually Love ($1,400) / Number of Times Used (Infinite) = Basically Free

Now here’s the caveat, if you’re super broke you only get ONE thing. If you’re kinda broke you get TWO. For all other articles of clothing, I’m sorry child, but cuts must be made: sale, consignment or not at all. Avoid pitfalls by never shopping with the feels.Retail therapy is a rich people sport. Broke-asses must find validation elsewhere.

Other things you should never cheap on: plastic surgery, lawyers, tattoo artists.

Next topic…

Fun-Size Your Space

You don’t need half the shit you think you do. Clear out your closet. SELL! SELL! SELL! It’s a bitch. It’s time consuming. But you can make a seriously average amount of cash. And if you are paying out money every month to keep an offsite storage unit full of shit you don’t use. Think about that for a second. Yes, I agree with you. You’re being a butt-plug*. Get rid of it. All of it.

The good news is that you are not Gwyneth Paltrow. The bad news is that you don’t get to hydrate like her. You don’t get to buy water bottles infused with locally sourced dandelions, humanely raised lemon peels and third-world tears. No bottled water. No, not even when you are in a foreign country. Embrace the diarrhea.

And do not under any circumstances drink Fiji water. Never, ever, ever. Fiji water is the anti-Christ. Read up on it here – FIJI WATER IS THE ANTI-CHRIST

Fuck Your FOMO, Embrace the FOGO

When your bank account reaches Sad Keanu status the best plan is no plan. Stay in and watch the money pile up. Agoraphobia is so hot right now. Yes, your Instagram account will suffer, but who knows? This whole experience could really turn you on to a hangover free lifestyle.

Ask and You Shall Receive

If you think you should be making more money, ask for it. There’s a good chance you’ll get it. If not, be better at your job.

Other General Broke-Ass Rules

Never pay someone to do something you can do yourself. Convenience is a luxury you can’t afford.

Valet? Nope, you’re walking.

Dry cleaning? Welcome to your grunge phase.

Unsubscribe from any emails tempting you to buy junk you don’t need.

Automatic payments: make sure you are actually using the services you are getting charged for. Note: Amazon Prime – totally worth it.

Repeat after me: Uber over cabs. Airbnb before hotels. Trader Joe’s for life.

Karma is Real

Give back where you can. If you can’t donate money, donate your time. You’ll be surprised what the world gives you in return.

Closing Thoughts

This is the price you pay to get your shit together. But, trust, if you follow this advice you’ll be pissing money out your pee-hole (metaphorically speaking). And when that happens, make sure you don’t backslide. Don’t spend your hard-saved money like a dummy. Spend your money where it counts. Invest in your goals.

Also, be a good person, hi-five strangers, save the pandas. Good luck out there!

Cheers,

The Oprah of Broke

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http://inspirationlush.com/2015/06/21/a-crash-course-on-saving-bank-when-youre-a-broke-ass/feed/1jmetonnerGMGMtumblr_md7a07q8jU1qfgngfo1_500tumblr_lom7ixZydO1qeft5ho1_500tumblr_nokoh60Bgr1ry0gfbo1_500Cara-Delevingne-14tumblr_miy743cTq41rhbfzqo1_1280tumblr_nkw36cxK8T1s8t4dvo1_500A Lady’s Guide to Getting Free Drinkshttp://inspirationlush.com/2014/09/09/a-ladys-guide-to-getting-free-drinks/
http://inspirationlush.com/2014/09/09/a-ladys-guide-to-getting-free-drinks/#commentsTue, 09 Sep 2014 14:44:49 +0000http://inspirationlush.com/?p=15411]]>I am a feminist. I support any and all efforts to create a society where the social, political and economic rights of women are equal to that of men. The reason I start with that declaration is because I could see how a woman expecting a man to purchase the first round of beverages could be interpreted as a bit sexist. And in a way it is, but in another way I don’t give a shit.

Also, I think it’s important to recognize feminism can come in many different forms, which is why I promise to revisit my stance on this subject once the 30% pay gap is closed.

Some men may be hesitant to buy a lady a drink. Maybe they think thirsty bitches (their words not mine) will take them for everything they got, one pinot grigio at a time. Usually these are the same men who use a woman’s every move as an excuse to talk to her. Call me old fashioned, but I’d be much more likely to talk to a fella who bought me a drink. Call me old fashioned, but I’d judge the fuck out of one who didn’t. Maybe that’s just me?

Anywho let’s get started:

#1 Googly Eyes

Googly eyes is when you hold the gaze of your selected dude a moment longer than the socially accepted standard. I’m sure the majority of you are now eye rolling like you’re stuck in gif purgatory. Well, duh right? It seems like a total no-brainer but, like a lot of things in life, timing is key. To demonstrate the perfect amount of time I’m going to use a visual metaphor, because that’s how my mind works, like an illiterate child’s.

Imagine you are hiking, and you approach a field of wildflowers. There in the close distance you spot the most beautiful creature you’ve ever seen, a young fawn. It senses your presence. Its head pops up. Its eyes focus on yours, long enough for one exhale, long enough for your souls to merge. You blink and you’re back in the bar. Your fawn is now a girl. She smiles. She turns back to her friends.*

#1 Section 2 – The Bar is a Safe Place

What if you gave him the perfect amount of googly eyes and he’s still not approaching? Well there may be a few variables working against you. Are you in a co-ed group? Are there any girls with resting bitch face? If your male of choice is introverted, these factors may give him room for pause. Which means you’re going to have to lure him to the bar. The bar is a safe place. In order to do this you must slam your drink, separate yourself from the group and head to the bar, and while en route you give him a look.

And now we wait…

Ninety-eight percent of the time your selected dude will just happen to also need a refill and will just happen to saddle up right next to you at the bar. Oh hai, fancy meeting you here.

The two percent that don’t respond to this move are either not interested in females or taken. And it doesn’t matter if that’s true or not as long as you believe it. That’s the beauty of delusion.

#2 Fake Bachelorette Party

Give a group of women the license to ‘let loose’ and you will get a drunken tidal wave of the horniest, sloppiest, screechiest girls imaginable. But you don’t have to wait for an actual bachelorette party to enjoy a penis-themed night of semi-questionable decisions.

How to throw a fake bachelorette party:

You’ll need a group of girls, a boa and/or tiara, and of course some penis-shaped items. Then choose your bachelorette. I suggest switching off. Because here’s a fun fact – guys want what they can’t have (what?? groundbreaking isn’t it??!) which means the “bachelorette” will get hit on ten times more than everyone else. Regardless of who is playing the part. I’ve seen it with my own eyes, people.

Now all other party participants choose an alias and make up an awesome backstory. You can be whoever you want. Why? Cause bullshitting strangers is fun! Although I’d avoid accents. Once you get drunk it’s hard to maintain consistency.

Pros: no lines for you, lots of free shots, role playing awesomeness

Cons: too many free shots

#3 Let’s Make a Deal

You’re at the bar. The bartender is busy. Everyone impatiently tries to get his/her attention. You and the dude next to you share a ‘god-this-is-so annoying’ look. You say, ‘Hey dude, let’s make a deal. You get his attention first, put in an order for me. If I get his attention I’ll put in your order.” Now you simply avoid eye contact with the bartender. Dude orders for you. You offer dude money. Dude says no cause his mama raised him right. Awww, that is so nice and totally unexpected. Thanks dude friend.

#4 I’ve Never Had That

You overhear a dude’s order. It sounds delicious. You say, ‘Is that good? I’ve never had that.’ Dude can’t believe you’ve never had (drink you’ve totally had). Dude insist he get you one. Dude says, ‘bartender make it two’. Awww, that is so nice and totally unexpected. Thanks dude friend.

#5 Game on bitch

Challenge him. Guys are competitive by nature. If there is a game nearby, most likely it’ll be darts. Approach him and say, “Hey, you up for a game? Loser buys drinks.” Then you just have to win. I kid, I kid, you don’t have to win. 90% of dudes are chivalrous enough to insist on purchasing the round regardless of the outcome. The other 10% are too short sighted to see the big picture win.

#6 Seem Really Bored

Guys love to swoop in and rescue a bored lil’ lady.

#7 Have Fun

Guys love to swoop in on a super fun lady.

#8 You Approach Him

I know, I know. Guys love a chase. Guys love girls who never give them the satisfaction of knowing they’ve been caught. I know that shit works but I also know it’s exhausting.

Which is why I’m a much bigger fan of the approach him method. There is a special power in not giving a shit. In walking straight up to a dude, tapping him on the shoulder and saying, ‘excuse me sir but I really like your face and well…buy me a drink or lose me forever.’

99.9983% of the time, that works every time. I picked up my dude in this very fashion which is why whenever he says something along the lines of ‘you are a crazy person,’ I retort with, ‘AH-DOYYY, pretty sure you knew that when you met me.’

But if that’s not your style then here are some more subtle approaches:

Ask for his expert opinion: Cheesy and transparent when guys use this approach but roles reversed, extremely effective. Guys are natural problem solvers, it plays to their ego. Start in with something like, ‘I’m sorry, this is so dumb, but my friend and I are having an argument and you look like someone who might know something about (insert anything this dude could have an opinion about).

Compliment him: Girls are constantly on the defense about compliments because they are used to getting hit on. Guys on the other hand are usually genuinely flattered. ‘Hi. You are very handsome.’ Thatsssss it.

Fall for him: Or rather into him. This is a total grade school move, but by god if it doesn’t work. Your friend pushes you, you trip, you accidentally hit him with your purse, any of those things. And then you’re like, ‘oh no, I’m so sorry. Are you ok? Did I spill on you? Bee-tee-dubs I’m Jamie.‘

Drop something: Yup, I said it. Go ahead and pull the most classic and utterly offensive of all female tropes – the damsel in distress. “Whoopsies, I dropped my purse. Oh no, it spilt everywhere. What’s a girl to do?” I’m sorry, but I wouldn’t put this out there in the world if it weren’t so astonishingly effective.

Say pretty much anything: Unless you say something horrifyingly creepy, what you say upon approaching really doesn’t matter that much. You have a vagina, remember? Here’s an example, ‘Excuse me, do you have a cat?‘ No, why? ‘Cause I’m allergic to cats so that would be a deal breaker. Hi, I’m Jamie.”

End of Lesson One

In all honesty, I feel real shitty about writing this post. Not only do I feel like I just set feminism back fifty years but these games we play with the opposite sex, although very very fun, they’re kind of assholey. But in my defense I never said I was a good person…

I Regret Nothing:

* I’m not comparing women to underage animals. It’s just a metaphor. Don’t ruin it with your logic.