I am excited, tomorrow we are leaving on vacation. It is a trip I have wanted to take for a very long time. i love the Rocky Mountains on the West coast of Canada. The mountains are just awe-inspiring, humbling and enough to take your breath away with the sheer beauty of what is to be seen. We are going to drive, taking our time as we go. If we see something interesting along the way we will stop and check it out. When feeling tired will find a motel and just stop.

I have a lot of family, cousins in Alberta and will be visiting with them for a few days. unless we out wear our welcome before that. I received a very pleasant surprise last evening. My dear Aunt Isabel, cousin Carol with hubby Garry will also be making the long drive so we can all hock up in Red Deere. I can only imagine the crib boards will be out and cards flying all over the place.

From there it will be a nice relaxed drive though those beautiful mountains. I am going to enjoy every moment of it, taking in every breath-taking view. We will end up in Victoria BC spending some wonderful time with Vi’s children and grand kids. Then back to Vancouver were I will get to see my two little princesses. Billie and Rob I am looking forward to seeing you also. Then the drive home.

This trip was in my bucket list when I first filled it and I did make that trip years ago. I am blessed to have been given enough time to do it again.

I want to make firm mental images in my mind of all the wonders I will be seeing. It is different looking at something knowing you will very likely never see it again. You want to treasure the moment and hang on to it.

So, I will be gone for 3 weeks and enjoying every moment of it. Vi is a little nervous about it all. The fear of something happening while we are out on the highway possibly miles from a hospital. I am confident this won’t even be an issue. This trip really is important to me, something I really want to do.

While we are gone, I am going to put it all out of my mind but when we get back I will be doing some heavy thinking. I am starting to think it may be time to shut down the blog. Ah, we will see.

I was recently asked what I saw as being the focal point or purpose for my blog. As I think on it I realize how much my thoughts and feelings have changed over the years of writing. i have to smile when I use those words “years of writing”. It must be 6 or 7 years now that I have been cluttering up the internet with my ramblings. I think it was in Sept or Oct. that I started and at that point in time, I really questioned whether or not I would be seeing that next Christmas.Surprise I am still here, a fact for which I daily thank our Heavenly Father.

I think patience is one of the life lessons I am meant to learn here. Things happen in God’s time not my time. I am just not sure how that lesson applies here and how I am to use it. Now how to word this so it makes any sort of sense. I have always been the kind of person that doesn’t like having something hanging over my head. By that I mean if I have to face something or do something that I am not looking forward to, I would just as soon do it now, let’s get this over with. Example, if my doctors came to me and told me I definitely need open heart surgery. I could have it today, next week, next month or even next year. Now assuming there are no advantages or disadvantages involve with the timing. I would choose today. Let’s just get this done and over with, I don’t want to have to sit here fretting about it.

Now this whole dying thing is a pretty big mill stone to have hanging over your head. Here my thought process suddenly does a complete flip. Instead of wanting to deal with it and get it over and done with as soon as possible, I am all for putting it off for as long as possible!!!! This is a weight on my shoulders I am more than willing to carry for years and years if allowed to. I say allowed to as I do know it is our Heavenly Father that will determine the timing of that event.

The vast, vast majority of time I am able to deal with it. Not just deal with it but truly enjoy my life. I have a wonderful life, I realize that and I am so very appreciative.

I have been given this extra time, have lived it and loved it. Geesh, I think about it and realize this past few years could have been pretty miserable if I had not made the effort to come to terms with my situation. To have learned to love and appreciate the beauties, the wonders in life. The wonders and beauties of life are all around each of us. I have to wonder though, how many take the time to recognize and appreciate them. This world of ours is a wonderful place and I am grateful for every moment I am allowed to remain.

I have realized that often someone will leave a comment on a previous comment and for a very short time it will appear on the side bar of the screen and then disappears into the archives along with my original post. Gone just too quickly for many to see without going back through maybe even years of my ramblings.

There is just such a comment that I received yesterday from Carol. Her comment:

“Ceasing to exist is not an option that I believe is. I believe we wake up in a marvelous other reality that we had forgotten about when we left it last time. I know that there are a lot of scams built around this topic and I have learned to take what I need and pass on by the rest. The largest collection of NDE I have found is in this link. What really impresses me here is the sheer number of accounts! The evidence is just far too abundant to ignore.
I also believe our days are numbered and that we will not leave here 1 second before or after we are destined to and that God sends an angel to accompany us into the light of home.http://www.nderf.org/

Now I visited Carol’s site and the site she refers to. Both are just too good to let disappear.

Carol’s comment was left on one of the alternate pages to the blog. The “Other beliefs in Death” page. The pages are all listed across the top of the screen. I invite all to check out those extra pages I have added to the blog. Read of the beliefs of others on this topic of ours. Maybe join my very non exclusive club in the “Spirit within Us”. Please let me know what are you thoughts.

I know there are family and friends out there that are aware of the fact that when Aunt Isabel and I get together we play crib. We don’t just play crib we play for the Championship of the World. I think for the first time since our championship tournaments began. I am the Champion. Now if I was smart I would quit while I am ahead. I am notso sure how smart this is but we are heading into a rematch.

I think Aunt Isabel my have had a premonition about how things were going to go. Prior to the game she even had tears in her eyes. I am pretty sure it was because she knew she was heading for defeat and had nothing at all to do with the onions she was chopping at the time.

Great times around here for this next few days. My dear Aunt Isabel has arrived for a short visit.

Now as always when she visits the cards and crib board come out of storage. As we have in the past at some point “THE TOURNAMENT” will begin. It is not just any tournament it is the “Championship of the World”. We have played that every year now for 5 or 6 years and EACH and EVERY time she has taken the title home with her.

This year I am thinking maybe just maybe I should change one of the rules of the tournament. In the past it has been the best of 3 games wins. Now if that doesn’t work so well for me, I may at that time have to change it to the best of 5 games or 7 games or 9 what ever it takes.

We have great fun, the winning or loosing isn’t the issue at all. It is just the pleasure we get out of playing together. Though there is always a lot of smack talked back and forth. Please wish me luck I am going to need it.

Congratulations to Bernice and Dale Miller. We attended their wedding on May 24th and had a wonderful time

Seems like a long time since I sat down to write here on the blog. We attended the wedding as I said and as good a time as we had it seemed to really take a toll on me. It was hot and very humid. The air conditioner in the hotel had broken down. Heat, humidity and I do not mix. It seemed to just suck the energy right out of me. I am not as resilient as I once was and it takes a few days to get back to my norm.

Plus since we have been back, we have had some beautiful spring days. Overall the spring hasn’t been all that great with a lot of rain, cooler temps and very cloudy but still enough of those nice days that I am working on my 3rd. sunburn. My head seems to burn very easily as I have a slightly receding hair line. Well maybe it has receded more than slightly. OK, OK, you got me I am bald on top. I think I heard somewhere that bald is sexy or maybe I just made that up to make myself feel good.

With spring comes the work out in the yard hence the sun burn.

Over the past while I realize I have allowed myself to become lazy or maybe it is my thinking became misguided. I have quite a list of medical issues of which some are quite serious.Serious enough to be to the point some doctors have used the dying word. My heart is a little gimpy to the point I tire very easily and shortness of breath is a constant issue. This being the case I don’t think anyone would blame me if I just pretty much physically shut down. Walk up a single flight of stairs and I am huffing and puffing.. It would be easier to just sit around and leave all the physical endeavours to someone else. Now I accept my decreasing physical limitations rather grudgingly and seem to need a little time to adjust my thinking with each down ward slide, but I do get there.

I think my point is I have never totally given up on at least trying my best to do at least something. We can’t give up. For me anyway giving up would be giving in and a feeling of uselessness would over come me. I know that feeling, I have felt myself on that slippery slope but have been able to pull myself up and out of it before getting too far down.

I think if I got to the point of feeling totally useless, having no purpose life would become meaningless. In effect “I” would have died long before my physical body does. We fear or at least dread the though of physical death so why would we give up on living life before we have to?

Physical limitations place great restrictions on what we can or can’t do, believe me I know that. do these physical limitations prevent me from doing anything and everything?NO. I do what I can while respecting those limitations but not giving in to them. That is important to me.I am not useless my life still does have meaning.I am here and I matter.

I was asked to do a post about the importance of continuing to really life our lives, to never give up, to never give in to those feelings of uselessness. This is a topic near and dear to my heart and I know I have discussed it in the past.

To any and all that are affected by any sort of physical limitations.You are a person that matters,you are not defined by your limitations.We are never useless until we quit trying. It seems too often we live our lives thinking only things that are big and spectacular have any meaning. “There is nothing I could do that would have any meaning or be any sort of real contribution.” To that I say WRONG!!!

Over the past year or two, we have done a lot of work on the house,mostly cosmetic. There was a time when I would have tackle each task alone, never given it a thought or even broken a sweat.I can’t so that any more. I need help with it. The important thing for me is that while maybe I can’t do it all but I can still do some of it, I can still participate in and contribute to the job at hand. The size of the contribution isn’t as important as is the fact that we are there doing what we can.Never give up.

Not sure why that paragraph suddenly Change to the large almost unreadalbe style of print. Decided, what the heck, I will just leave it as it came out. But for easier reading I have retyped it as it had started: Over the past year or two, we have done a lot of work on the house,mostly cosmetic. There was a time when I would have tackle each task alone, never given it a thought or even broken a sweat.I can’t so that any more. I need help with it. The important thing for me is that while maybe I can’t do it all but I can still do some of it, I can still participate in and contribute to the job at hand. The size of the contribution isn’t as important as is the fact that we are there doing what we can.Never give up

While I am on this topic, I really do have to acknowledge my brother-in-law Henri. Henri is indeed a very special guy. He has provided us with hundreds of hours of labor for which he will take nothing. I thank you Henri. You are an Earth Angel

OOPS,I don’t know that happened. That one paragraph has such large print.Don’t know what I did or how to fix it, so, Oh well

Who am I?

I am a 61 year old male. At the age of 52 I was told by my doctor I am dying. For the past 4 years, I have done my best to deal with both congestive heart failure and a brain tumor, while knowing my days are indeed numbered. It is my hope that by sharing my experiences, I can encourage others faced with the same situation. I hope to also help the families of those individuals to have an understanding of the process and deal with the fear or dread of being around the dying.
I am not a doctor, not a man of the clergy, I am not a therapist. I am just me, Bill Howdle, I am merely sharing my thoughts and ideas. I write of death and dying, understand this is my personal prospective, based on what I am encountering.