Growing pains

I have met a lot of people…but they are either coworkers or people who have a lot going on in their own lives.

As I have said I felt before…it seems like everyone is married or has kids and no one really has the time to start a friendship…and definitely not the kind of friendship I am needing right now. I need to be able to cry and to tell someone about the hard time I am going through in my mind. I want to be able to talk to someone, in person, who knows me and knows that I am not this crazy person like I currently feel I am or at least I feel like I would come across as quite crazy to someone who doesn’t know me very well. It would just be a lot to deal with.

Tonight I wanted to shoot hoops…but if i go shoot hoops at an outdoor court, I need someone with me (or at least…it makes it a lot better to have someone with me) because when the ball bounces off the court and into the grass…I can’t go get it while in my basketball wheelchair because the wheels will get stuck. I tried to make plans with the few people I knew to see if any of them might want to shoot hoops (three people) and none of them could do it tonight. I thought about asking a few other people if they might want to go shoot hoops…but as time went by I felt more and more alone and sad and I really don’t feel like I have the energy to be social in the way you should be with someone you are just hanging out with for the first time. And that thought alone makes me sad. It makes me sad that I am sad. And it makes me sad that I am letting all of these negative feelings once again take over me.

I didn’t go to the gym because I convinced myself that because I went yesterday, I should shoot hoops or do something outdoorsy and more recreational tonight to help me get further out of the funk that I have been in. But now…I just feel shitty about the fact that I didn’t go to the gym and I feel lonely about the fact that I really don’t know many people here nor do I have someone I can just be myself with and not feel like I will be left alone because of it.

But I know it is just a transition period and all of this is going to make me stronger and more independent in the long run. but for now, it kinda sucks.

is moving to a new place really that hard? It doesn’t seem like it should be hard. I don’t know what it would be like to do this without the added depression I already deal with…I know the depression skews my perspective and trumps my ability to handle the hard things in a healthier way.

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh I got this. It just takes time…and effort and strength and a positive attitude 😛