Susan Boyle: beware they are coming

Lothian and Borders Police in Scotland are currently discussing contingency plans following reports from fansites that the Susan Boyle fanatics intend "to walk a lot."

Blackburn, West Lothian is now preparing for an invasion of multinational Susan Boyle fanatics.

Health Service chiefs await the fanatics becoming excited as their pent up emotions overflow and they lose all control. Tranquillisers and other medications are being stockpiled as the National Health Service trains up psychiatric nurses to treat the fanatics.

"We expect complete loss of motor functions" said one expert in the field of adult adulation and hero worship, "their senses will not cope with the realisation that they are in Scotland. Scotland, of course, has this effect on all tourists. They did not expect such an oasis of beauty and calm. Add to this the thought of seeing Miss Boyle and you have a classic case of sensory overload."

The Scottish Tourist Board has taken the unusual step of advertising Scotland, on all the networks in the USA, to prepare the fanatics for the sheer Nirvana that is Scotland.

"We know they have all seen hundreds of pictures and videos" said an STB official in New York, "but these self appointed experts in all things Scottish on fansites cannot give a true description of the country. It has to be seen and experienced."

Susan Boyle has been advised to stay hidden behind her curtains during the hours of daylight as the sight of her, in person, may cause fainting episode and a complete breakdown of many fanatics.

The fanatics still seem intent on walking those 500 miles in the hope of a personal audience with La Boyle. Should that be "Lady", no, she can't be one of them, we've told you so many times. Get real.

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