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I'm going to be really honest with you all today. The thing is, these last few months have been quite difficult for me in regards to my music. Lately, it has felt a lot like going through the motions. I've been making music since I could talk, and never have I ever doubted (at least for any real length of time) that this is what I am meant to do, what I was created to do. While the random thoughts always crept in, lately it's been a lot harder to silence those thoughts. I think that is to be expected though, right? I am at a point in my life where I am figuring out a lot of things about myself. I'm a couple weeks away from being 20 years old, and maybe my quarter life crisis is just coming a little ahead of schedule. I always have been a little mature for my age. Hah! Anyway, these last weekend, I was in Chicago for CD Baby's first annual DIY Musician's Conference, and in a strange way, this conference answered a lot of questions I didn't know I was asking...Let me explain...

The second day of the conference, I was feeling pretty freaked out with myself. Here I am surrounded by all these musicians and all of them seem so passionate, so excited about their careers and the possibilities...and I don't feel that like I used to. I am not excited right now. That scared me a lot because the whole trajectory of my life has been to make a career in the music industry. Is this still where I am supposed to be? I just started a spiral of worry and then worrying that I'm worrying because no one else seems to be worried. And I sat down and prayed for a sign. I just wanted to know these last few months of disconnection have been a season that I will come out of. I just wanted to know that this is still where I am supposed to be. The last event going on that night was a showcase of a few musicians from the conference. I was pretty drained from the day, and the emotional roller coaster that comes with questioning your entire life...(and having to stay up until 2:00 in the morning the night before to write a paper for my women's history class in the hotel room)...needless to say, I wasn't all that thrilled to listen to live music...sleep was beckoning me, and I was ready to let it take me down. However, I was also interested in hearing this one particular artist who I heard speak earlier in the day. She ended up going on second, and it wasn't a moment too soon. This artist (Shannon Curtis) wrote an entire album titled "Connections" which is all about the human experience of connecting with each other. As she sang and told some stories about her songs...it was as if she was speaking straight from a script in my head...

"Don't you know that little voice that comes by every time something really great happens? That voice that says "Oh, it's not that big of a deal. Something will come a long soon enough that will ruin this awesome thing and then what are you going to do?"

She talked a lot about the trap of self-doubt and the struggle of simply existing sometimes, and it hit me hard. Her performance made me remember why I started writing music, why I started down this journey....it's all about the connections...

I started writing music so I could figure out how to connect.......with myself, because sometimes I lose sight of things and struggling with depression for a lot of my life makes connecting with myself a complicated mess....with other people, because music has always said the words I didn't think I could say myself, and writing songs gives me the power to say all of those things....with the world, because sharing bits of yourself with the world is a really humbling experience, and being vulnerable is a terrifying and challenging, and rewarding place to live.

The biggest thing that this trip taught me is that I'm not passionate about the same things I used to be, and that's okay. It's like these last few months I have been looking for my excitement for music and passion for what I'm doing in the same box I always kept it, and I'm realizing that I keep it in a different box now. It wears different a different face, and that is not a bad thing! The most moving moments for me during this conference were 1. The situation I just described above. Re-remembering that I desperately need connections. and 2. Going to a presentation on using ProTools and seeing a WOMAN AUDIO ENGINEER teaching the class!! That's what gets me excited! I love audio engineering! And I love the idea that I could be an example to other young women who think that audio is just for guys! The world of audio engineering is vast and opens up so many incredible opportunities for my music! I am so excited to self produce something for the first time. That's where my passion is right now! My passion is in connecting and in creating music in a new way through audio engineering. I think because audio was always supposed to be kind of a backup contingency plan that I wasn't expecting how much it would impact me and how much I would fall in love with it. But how incredible is it to be in love with your "backup" too?!

Another little added layer to this trip was my deep, intense, and somewhat melancholy adoration for cities. (Yes! I love cities so much that I get sad about it! I just get so overwhelmed with how much I love them that I just feel it deep in my bones.) This was my first time being in Chicago, and I kind of feel like through all of this self-discovery, Chicago now has custody of a piece of my heart! I feel a very intimate closeness to that city now. So, Thank you, Chicago, for letting me stay for awhile and learn in your arms. Until next time...