MISFIT DOC: GRIMOIRE FOR TIMES OF DEMAGOGUES (2)

Break Out of a Demagogue-Induced Depression

Living under the thumb of a demagogue can affect your mental health. If you find that you’re struggling with depression and you can’t go to a therapist or psychiatrist because your demagogue is also a sociopathic tyrant and had them all jailed or slaughtered, try this:

Light sage incense. Draw a bath adding lavender-scented bubble soap. Make it as warm as you can tolerate because you’re probably going to be in there a while. As you soak in the bubbly water close your eyes and sing:

Why oh why oh why did this happen

Get these sad thoughts out of my noggin

Keep repeating and cry as hard as you can. A good, long, ugly cry. Don’t hold anything in. Run the fan if you’re worried that your neighbors might hear.

Don’t leave the tub until there’s not a single tear or sniffle left. If your eyes aren’t stinging and swelling shut, you haven’t cried long enough. Keep at it.

Once finished with your weeping, get out of the bath, dry off using a fresh towel and put on some soft, clean pajamas. Eat a muffin. Any flavor you like. Eat a second if you like.

If you still feel depressed, look on the black market and see if anyone is willing to part with their old Xanax.

Break Out of a Demagogue-Induced Rage

Living under the thumb of a demagogue can trigger anger issues. If you find that you’re having a tough time managing your anger even after casting several different Petty Retaliation spells, maybe it’s more you than your demagogue. Or alternatively, perhaps it’s just a totally hopeless situation. Maybe joining your local underground resistance movement might connect you with others who share your rage. Working with others planning to overthrow your demagogue can be a great stress relief.

Or, if you’re like me and hate the company of most humans, no matter how much you have in common with them, try this to funnel your rage:

Make a big pot of chamomile tea. In between each sip say:

Rage, rage, go away

Come again when you have something new to say

Absolutely no pee breaks. Continue drinking and chanting until you can no longer contain your urine and pee yourself a little. Then (and only then) run to the toilet (or nearby chamber pot) and as you pee scream:

I must, I must

I must become a rationalist

If you end up completely peeing yourself before you make it to the toilet or the chamber pot, that’s OK as long as you’re screaming while relieving yourself.

Don’t stop screaming until your bladder is completely emptied.

Feel the relief?

Rivka Deadpebble is the daughter of a famous demagogue and a lesser known banshee. She’s been fighting demagoguery her entire life and is gratified that you’re joining her cause. More of her demagogue-defying spells are available on Kindle.

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Recent comments

Sounds like fetishizing violence. I think what concerns me about that is not the lust for violence, which is the reading I had and I totally understand that impulse, but that the impulse to violence is concealed beneath mythology/ideology.

Sounds exactly like my day , but entirely different . I think I just missed the "malted"s era , but you seem to be there . Did the kindly girl wear a poodle skirt , perhaps ? And that bit about saving the napkin : thought I was the only one who stooped to such things ; but then , any port in a storm of snotty cayenne , I suppose .

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