Don't expect any hugs of gratitude or warm, fuzzy thank-you notes for trying to help someone with an addiction. At least, not right away.

Getting treatment for a loved one or friend with a substance-abuse problem can be frustrating, infuriating and heartbreaking, since they often deny they even have a problem.

"Typical addicts will get defensive or come up with a very convincing explanation, often believing their own lies," says Bonnie Hanika, an addiction-treatment counselor at Sharp Vista Pacifica. "They may lash out at the loved one who suggests they need help. They're adept at redirecting the spotlight on the people and situations around them."

Trying to help an addict requires incredible strength, caring and patience. But the effort is usually worth it if there's a chance you can save the person and your relationship.

"Most people who are addicted to drugs or alcohol need an outside force to break through their denial," says Dr. Fred Berger, medical director of Scripps McDonald Center, a recovery and treatment facility. "Very few people ever decide to stop drinking or using drugs on their own."

Ultimately, however, people with substance-abuse problems are responsible for their own treatment and recovery. Loved ones must realize they cannot control the addict. They didn't cause the addiction, they can't cure it, and they can't force anyone to go into treatment.

Addiction treatment experts offer the following tips to guide you in helping someone who has a substance abuse problem.

Do your homework. Find out as much as you can about substance-abuse and treatment programs by searching the Internet, calling and requesting literature from addiction-treatment programs listed in the Yellow Pages, talking to your doctor and participating in support programs offered in the community.

Check out insurance coverage. See if
your insurance (if the addict is a family member) covers any portion of drug or
alcohol treatment.

Confront addicts only when they're straight and sober. "Approach them in a gentle way. You don't have to be angry or nasty or self-righteous about it. Just try to be helpful," Berger says. "Talk nonjudgmentally about your feelings about their drinking or drug abuse. Point out problems that their behavior has caused, but do it in a caring way."

Offer information about several treatment options. There are a variety of addiction-treatment programs available – from 28-day residential settings to day and evening outpatient programs to free group programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous.

Don't do anything that supports the continuation of the addiction problem. Don't "call in sick" for them if they're hung over. Don't pay their bills if they're delinquent. Don't make excuses for their erratic
behavior.

"It's time to let them face their responsibilities and face the consequences," Hanika says. "If you do everything for them, they have no consequences, so what's the motivation to change?"

If they deny or minimize their addiction problem, consider organizing an intervention. The meeting should combine family and friends who confront the addict with his or her behavior and how it affects each of them.

"One of the reasons intervention works is that it's not just one opinion. It's a group of people, and it's the impact of the masses," says Betty Ford Center chief Susan Ford Bales, who organized an intervention for her mother, former first lady Betty Ford, 26 years ago. "Confront them one-on-one and it's simply the alcoholic or drug addict versus the straight person."

Use a professional interventionist for the best possible outcome. You can find certified interventionists through most treatment programs.

"The advantage of using an interventionist is that they're like a director or a conductor. They know how to keep the the session on track," Bales says.

List specific consequences if the addict continues to drink or use drugs. Project how their behavior will affect the future. For example, if they continue to use alcohol or drugs in this manner, you will divorce them. Or you don't want them to call you. Or they can no longer live in your house. Or they will be fired from their job.

"Whatever you tell them can't be a bluff. You've got to be willing to stick by it," Berger says.

Seek support for yourself. Groups such as Al-Anon, Nar-Anon and private treatment-support programs offer the advice, understanding and encouragement you'll need to deal with your own feelings. Many support networks are open to anyone regardless of whether the addict is in recovery.