COLUMBIA, S.C. (CAP) - In an exclusive interview with CAP News, embattled So. Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford has acknowledged that he never intended to go to Argentina but ended up there because he had no map. Sanford said his mistress actually lives in Alabama and he simply confused the two locations.

"This admission by Gov. Sanford shows us just how truly poor Americans are at geography," said CAP News political analyst Fuad Reveiz. "And not only that, but it also shows us that Miss South Carolina Teen USA Caitlin Upton was actually right all along."

Caitlin Upton garnered quite a bit of notoriety back in August, 2007 when her seemingly incoherent response to a Miss Teen USA pageant question became a viral Internet sensation. When asked by questioner Aimee Teegarden why 20 percent of Americans can't find the United States on a map, she responded that it was because "some people out there in our nation don't have maps."

"Wow, who's laughing now?" said former New York Times political columnist William Safire. "Well, that explains why you never see people from South Carolina traveling to other states: they have no way of figuring out how to get there."

As news of the governor's map situation begins to spread, calls for his resignation are toning down. The ACLU, which had been leading the charge for Sanford to step down, withdrew its protests upon learning that the whole situation was nothing more than a geographical mistake.

"There is never a need for a U.S. politician to leave the country to find a mistress - we have plenty right here in America," said ACLU spokesperson Margot Kent. "We're glad to hear Gov. Sanford at least meant to hook up with a down home cheatin' girl from Alabama, even if it didn't come to pass."

Sanford's accidental mistress, Buenos Aires resident Maria Chapur, said she and the South Carolina governor became involved after he stopped her on the street to ask "how far to Montgomery." When she explained where he was, she said a look of confusion crossed his face but quickly left when he grabbed her hand, said "Well, you'll do," and led her to a nearby motel.

"A man in heat isn't necessarily firing on all four cylinders," said noted relationship expert Seth Boyle. "There's pretty much just one cylinder firing, if you know what I mean."

Although Sanford's wife Jenny has publicly accepted his apology, rumors have surfaced that Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin recently resigned her post so she could move to South Carolina to become the governor's live-in mistress. Republicans are hopeful this gubernatorial match-making will bring some unity to the GOP that has been lacking since Obama won office.

SATIRE

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Experts say the best way to combat this is to make Aunt Midge sleep on the pullout sofa which will wreak havoc on her sciatica and eventually force her to seek a better night's sleep at a local hotel «» Critics say while the shake is indeed delicious, it's too soon after the Russian airline disaster to try to capitalize on it and note the company should "give it another month or so" «» Russian President Vladimir Putin sends President Obama map of the Middle East with Syria circled, suggests the U.S. "try bombing over here instead" «» Chinese President Xi Jinping storms off, condemns U.S. after President Obama refuses to share White House wifi password during dignitary's visit «» Pope Francis announces new line of All-Beef Vatican Hot Dogs with proceeds of Pope's Franks benefiting victims of clergy abuse «» White House switchboard lighting up with calls from other Middle Eastern nations looking for that "sweet nuclear deal" that Iran got «» Instead of just 40%, Walmart says it will now donate 65% of proceeds to the Syrian refugee crisis from the sale of its "I Fled Syria And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" t-shirts «» New survey finds most parents of young adult terrorists long for the days when kids were more apathetic and just played video games «» Experts say terrorists have been hording coupons for Bell's stuffing for months, forcing many Americans to either pay full price or go with bland, dry generic boxed stuffing «» The man credited with inventing the "Safety Is My Goal" and "How Is My Driving?" bumper stickers that spoke for a generation of livery drivers succumbed to injuries sustained after being rear-ended by a box truck «» The limited-time only beverage is available in Rancid or Sludge flavors mixed with one or two scoops of yesterday's coffee grounds and is served in a black cup only to those who verbally denounce all organized religions when ordering «» Inspired by their Missouri brethren, Wolverine players refuse to take the field and will "focus solely on their studies" until the University retains more attractive cheerleaders «» The newly revamped tourist attraction will feature a gift shop, a food court, and a stack of three-ring binders with pictures of fish that visitors can thumb through «» The ACLU is fighting the company's decision to pull the popular t-shirts from store shelves, saying it will unfairly force society's outcasts back to shopping at K-Mart for their apparel needs «» Instead, half a dozen moderators will take the stage and fire barbs at each of the candidates and then see who can provide the most sarcastic response in their absence «» Both Hewlett-Packard companies announce they're each splitting into five new companies to create a voicemail tree so complex that none of them will actually need any customer service reps to answer phones «» Jasmine V confirms she was knocked up by alien abductors, plans to keep the baby to help fight stereotypes of young Latina women who are pregnant with extraterrestrial offspring «» Federal government's plan to release thousands of non-violent prisoners contingent upon them to "remember what Uncle Barry did for you" and make sure they vote Democrat in the next election «» The Conservative Liberals In Transition Outreach Intervention Society announces its support of Hillary Clinton; CLITOrIS members say she brings "the right amount of vagina" to the table «» New Halloween app Treatr allows kids to tap pictures of neighborhood houses to trick or treat, saves "all that time walking" and increases candy acquisition rates by 72% «»