Want Food Stamps? Become a Massive Corporation, Says Stephen Colbert

Posted on Jul 18, 2013

Stephen Colbert is clearly on to something. “The Colbert Report” host has figured out a solution to how poor Americans needing food stamps can get them back after the program was removed from the GOP-controlled House’s recently passed farm bill. His answer is simple really: Poor people just need to become massive corporations, and then Republicans will give them all the welfare they want!

Colbert based his solution on how the Republicans were able to get the most recent version of the farm bill through the House. He explains that the legislation, which generally provides subsidies for farmers while giving nutritional aid to those in need, had not passed in two years. Among the reasons a previous version didn’t pass earlier this year is because dozens of Republicans wanted deeper cuts to food stamps. So in order to get this one approved, the GOP “reached an historic compromise on food stamps by eliminating the food stamps.”

“Republicans showed that they can compromise by removing the part of the bill they refused to compromise on,” Colbert added. “It’s like a cardiologist who’s having trouble treating a patient’s heart. Rather than getting bogged down with complicated procedures, he simply removes the heart. Problem solved!”

But on Sunday’s “Face the Nation,” host Bob Schieffer called out Republicans for removing food stamps from the legislation. “You pass a farm bill in the House that gives billions of dollars, much of it to large corporations that own farms,” Schieffer told GOP Congressman Mike Kelly of Pennsylvania. “It’s almost like welfare for the wealthy. But you don’t include a dollar for hungry people for food stamps. What kind of message is that?”

“I’ll take that one, Bob,” Colbert interjected. “It is a principled conservative message based on the old adage, ‘Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Take away his food stamps, and he’ll found FishCo, a multinational food conglomerate that gets a massive subsidy in the next farm bill.’ ”