Monday, Dec 1 2008

Need to spend some time pouting. Well, I donít need to, technically. But Iím going to.

To recap a long, sordid, frustrating several weeks, our dream house is still an option, but a more complicated one. It turns out that we DO have to deal with the bank, not the home owners, which means more red tape and uncertainty. It also means frustratingly cryptic conversations between the real estate agent, Steve, and I. Its been a rough few weeks between Steve and I. For a variety of reasons, but this one isnít helping.

The financing looks good, which I need to remember to be thankful for.

I spent the week with my folks, as planned, in OKC. While they appreciated it, it was stressful. I am always prepared for the LAST stage Will was at when I travel, never the stage heís ACTUALLY in. He was very emotional, very needy, and fairly difficult most of the time. Ellen was dealing with teething and constipation, so she was very needy and clingy. There seems to always be stress when I see my parents Ė I wish I could find a way to make it more meaningful and less fraught with tension. I think part of is that I need to NOT travel with both kids for at least 1 year. I can and will travel with 1 of them, but not both. At least not by myself. Not to OKC. I get frustrated with my parentsí house Ė its noisy and not conducive to guests or children. They also didnít baby proof the house nearly enough. My dad spent the whole time grading exams, and my mom spent the whole time cooking for Thursday. (Or so it felt). I realize how hum-buggy this all sounds. I did take away some good lessons, so there was that. But in general, it made me both want to NEVER travel to see them again, and also resent that I felt that way. Shouldnít it be a joy to go see your family? They did express lots of appreciation for me making the trip, on the last day, when I think it finally hit home how much of an upheaval this had been for Will and Ellen, and how much work for me. I did appreciate that not once did they comment on Steveís non-presence (because I just wasnít in any frame of mind to defend or explain him). I just think it will be easier for everyone, and more enjoyable, if they come to visit us, instead of us going to see them.

I found myself incredibly envious of Steveís being home alone for 6 days. I canít even imagine the pure joy of being in my own space ALONE for 6 days.

There was some conflict in our house yesterday due in great measure to my intense mood swings. They are different from what I usually think of as my panic attacks Ė they are more like obsessions that produce anxiety and rage in almost equal measure. They happen about 1x per month, and almost always on Sundays. I hate Sundays. Always have. There was some legitimacy to my mood Ė but I handled it very poorly. I donít know if I want to try medication again, since it isnít a daily or weekly occurrence. On the other hand, I do NOT want Will or Ellen to see in those moods. And I just donít have the objectivity to get out of the house when they are coming on. Argh.

Yesterday at church, after the service and before the soup/bread dinner that Will and I always stay for, we went into the sanctuary so Will could see if there were any balloons. (There were balloons once and ever since then, he has to check). He didnít find balloons yesterday, but he did notice a bouquet of flowers that he asked to touch and smell. As we were look at them, a young-ish man came over and knelt down by us. He said, mainly to me, ďWhen I was a little boy Willís age, I loved beautiful things. But I wasnít really allowed to talk about them or enjoy them because it wasnít considered manly. It justÖheals my heart to see Will enjoying the beautiful flowers and you encouraging him to.Ē I do love my sensitive, flower-appreciating son.

If Iím lucky, Iíll get to work out 3 times this week. I donít like working out less than that, but I have 3 days of things scheduled over my lunch hour, which is when I usually work out. Its so critical to my peace of mind that I work out regularly. So, it needs to happen 3 times this week. I will make it so.

I resolve again to be a better person. To try harder. To just calm down, and take deep breaths. I want grace and serenity. I need to help create it for myself. And my household.

Comments

6 comments so far.

6.

9 years ago

FWLIW...and please take this in the gentle spirit that I'm writing it, be thankful that you have family to visit and stress you out. I buried my father nearly 20 years ago and my mother 15 years ago. I've learned to love family visits in all of their stressfulness. Be thankful that you have a job and a shot at your dream house at a time when many folks are losing both their job and their homes. Be thankful that you have two healthy children who will never go hungry and have to fend for themselves as so many children in the world do. And be thankful for Steve who, even though you have differences, loves his children and his wife and doesn't beat or ignore either. Lastly, remember that none of us is perfect, not a one of us, and advent is a time of forgiveness. // As for traveling with one child only, I think that's a bad idea since it sends a message to the child who didn't get to go that mommy favors the one who did. I know that isn't your intention but I'm speaking from experience here.

:hi: I am new to your blog, caught my eye because I am feeling a bit humbug myself. Traveling with small children is never easy, alone, near impossible. Take heart that it does in fact get easier. You've got a lot to deal with -- but I just wanted to say that I completely understand what you mean -- feeling edgy when you should be enjoying your family just makes it that much harder to bounce back in my opinion. Enjoy those workouts this week, good for the body & soul!

You are so hard on yourself, and that makes me sad. At the same time, you are so brutally honest about (and with) yourself that it makes me want to be a better person. I know how you feel about traveling alone with the kids; I do it about 4 times a year, each time wonder when I will learn that it's not that easy. i thought as they got older it would be easier, but it turns out I was wrong! And traveling alone to holiday functions always leaves me a stressed out basket case, because (as much as I really try not to), I can't help but resent Eric just a little for not being there. And so not only am I stressed because we're all in a different environment and the kids are hyped up from traveling, but I also have that feeling of resentfulness and then guilt because I wish he wanted to be there, too. /// Did ANY of that make sense? Anyway, I know how you feel. And yes, it is easier if they would come to you, and only fair since you have the young kids. :kiss:

You are not doing too badly when you consider the real estate stress on top of the holiday stress on top of the traveling-with-2-small-children stress! Be more forgiving of yourself, & I hope things get easier this week.

O...first of all :kiss: Had to get that in first. I'm sorry your trip was so stressful but glad you made it through and are back home now. What that guy said when Will was smelling the flowers choked me up a little. How sad that someone in his life felt the need to categorize what's "manly" or not to the extent that he felt he couldn't enjoy the beauty around him. I love your sensitive, flower-appreciating son too. And you! :heart1:

Oh Lynn...I'm sorry that you are going through a difficult time right now...lots of stressors around this time of year, and when you throw house stuff into the mix, it's no wonder you're feeling humbuggy. :kiss: