Cloud had absolutely no choice in the matter. Before he had time to do so much as blink, his surroundings warped into an insubstantial plane of green and there was a weight on his left shoulder. "Get off, Zack."

Cloud had made a mistake; he'd looked the man in the eye. Bad move, strategically speaking, especially when he had that mournful freshly-kicked puppy look on. "Zack… but… oh, alright…"

"Awesome!" Zack perked up again instantly and shoved Cloud down onto a sofa that he swore hadn't been there a second ago. An entire living room, complete with wide-screen television, had materialized around him, Cloud recognizing it vaguely as Zack's old apartment. "Come on, Seph, you can't possibly be late for this," Zack mumbled to himself as he fiddled with the DVD player.

"I am already here, Zackary."

Cloud glanced behind him listlessly, unsurprised to see the tall form of ShinRa's general standing behind the couch. He'd been dragged into the Lifestream (at least he assumed that was what had happened; with Zack in the game it was a bit hard to be sure) and was now being forced to watch a movie he apparently played some role in, though he sure as hell didn't remember filming it, so really, was it so impossible for Sephiroth to be wandering around the place, entirely sane?

Even if it wasn't, he didn't have the energy to protest.

"And here we go!" Zack cheered, bouncing over to the sofa and dragging Sephiroth down beside him; no other person would ever dare manhandle the poor guy like that. "Everybody shhhh! The movie's starting!"

"Who are those two children?" Sephiroth asked blandly, ignoring Zack's confusion. "Cloud, do you know them?"

A little unnerved at being spoken to by the man he'd killed just a year before, Cloud replied slowly, "Well, the girl… yeah, but the other one… well… he kind of looks familiar…"

"Hm." Sephiroth frowned. "What is wrong with them?"

"Shh! That's a major part of the plot!" Zack insisted.

"You've seen this before? Oh no." Cloud looked a little green at the thought of Zack making calls all through the movie.

"Nope!" the dark-haired man said happily. "I just read the blurb on the box!"

"…You can read?"

"Ouch, Spike…!"

…

"What's with the wolf?"

"Forget the wolf, Spike, what's with the sword?!" Zack howled. "Man, Angeal would kill us both if he saw that! You're so lucky I didn't bring him along! I was seriously considering it, too, but something inside me said 'No, Zack, that's a bad idea…'"

"A bad idea detector? I didn't think you had one of those."

"Shut up, Seph."

…

"Why aren't you answering your phone?"

Cloud shrugged. "I have a lot of friends, get called every fifteen minutes or so. And it's usually Barret asking 'and how's Marlene now?!' or Tifa asking 'where the hell are you?!', and contrary to popular belief, I do not live at home, do not watch Marlene like a hawk, and my deliveries across other continents do not take five seconds! So it's easier to just ignore it and take voice messages."

…

"Okay, what the fuck was that?"

"You're asking me?"

"Well it is you up there…"

"No it's not!"

"It certainly appears to be you."

"Well, I never filmed no movie."

"What, and that's proof?"

"It should be."

…

"That is a really cool motorbike, Spike."

"Is that the Jaws theme they're playing?"

…

"Who the hell are those guys THEY JUST KICKED THE SWORD!" Zack suddenly shrieked.

While he spazzed and cursed at the TV screen, Cloud leaned forward and said around him, "Does he know he just made a sexual innuendo there?"

Sephiroth shook his head slightly. "I do not believe so."

"…Sad, really."

"What sexual innue- ohhhh."

…

"Big brother?" Cloud asked blankly.

"My money's on Sephiroth!" Zack cheered.

"Sephiroth's dead," the blonde pointed out.

"So? They're obviously as crazy as he is."

A short pause.

"I thought you said he was sane," Cloud said cautiously.

"Yes, I was quite sure I was sane now," Sephiroth agreed mildly.

"I refuse to answer on grounds of digging myself deeper!"

…

"Who the hell are these guys?"

It was Cloud who answered; he'd scrounged up the disc case and the booklet from inside. "Apparently they're your clones, Sephiroth. They all represent different aspects of your personality." The grin he was wearing couldn't bode well. Sephiroth braced. "The one who's crying is your masculinity."

The silver-haired man dropped his head into his hands.

Zack howled with laughter.

…

"Okay, that was really dumb," Cloud remarked. "You just don't drive your bikes off a cliff, especially not that one. I tried it once and came away with three broken bones and a narrowly avoided broken neck."

"You did what?!"

"It was an emergency!"

…

"Did your motorbike just cough out swords?! Oh, awesome! I want one!"

…

"'Mother'? How the fuck would I know where your mother is? Or who she is, since we're on the topic?"

"'Brother'? What the hell? Why do they think I'm their big brother?" Cloud sputtered, appalled. "I neither have nor want any brothers!"

Zack pouted.

"Oh, come on, Zack, you know you don't count."

"I believe they are referring to the Jenova cells that we all contain," Sephiroth remarked. "Little brother."

"…" Cloud went pale and huddled into Zack. "Ick. Never say that ever again!"

…

"PHYSICS!" Cloud cried in frustration. "This makes no sense! How does he – I – whoever the hell that is – keep from falling off that thing!? High speed chase, spinning around on the bike, reversing your momentum and taking out monsters, that can't happen!"

"It's a magic bike! It spits out swords and does cool shit like this!"

"Fenrir's good, Zack, and she does spit out swords, but she can't pull that kind of stunt! I've tried, and it hurts!"

"You named your motorcycle?" Sephiroth said dubiously.

…

"THERE! The sparky thing again! What the heck is that?!"

"I though you said it was a big part of the plot…"

"No, that was the brown stuff."

"I believe it is symbolising pain, indicating that Cloud has injured his left arm."

"…"

"Show me your arm."

"Zack, I'm fi-"

"Seph, hold him down."

"No – what – ah! Give me back my shirt!"

…

"Well, bye-bye go the glasses," Cloud remarked distantly.

Zack was having a hysterical fit. "OHMIGOD HE JUST SHOT CLOUD IN THE HEAD DID YOU SEE THAT HE KILLED HIM I'M GONNA KILL HIM OHMIGOD HOW COULD YOU DO THAT –"

"Zack, sit down and leave the TV alone."

…

"Now where are they going?"

"He'sbleedinghe'sbleedinghe'sbleeding–"

"Zack, it's something you'd put a bandaid on."

"Where are my bandaids?!"

…

"See?!" Cloud yelped, as Barret's brash slang hit their ears. "I told you so! He just called me up to tell Marlene something! Why couldn't he just call the bar?"

"He can't call you Spiky! I'm the only one who gets to call you that!"

"Face it, Zack, who has Sephiroth managed to kill when he actually aimed to kill that person? I mean, he's slaughtered millions of helpless bystanders, sure, but only because he missed the one person he was really trying to kill. Think about it – he tried to kill us both in Nibelheim: failed; tried to kill me several times after you were done in by a grunt: failed; tried to kill several members of AVALANCHE: failed."

Zack grinned mischievously. "Hey, yeah!" he exclaimed. He turned to Sephiroth, who was feigning extreme interest in the movie and pretending not to hear the conversation. "Is there anyone you did manage to kill, Seph?"

Sephiroth considered, aware his dignity as a credible villain was riding on his answer. "I killed the flower girl," he said eventually. "What was her name – the one with the pink ribbon? Aerith?"

A deadly silent pause. Then Zack exploded.

"You killed my girlfriend?!"

"I was insane at the time!" Sephiroth defended.

Cloud was paralysed with laughter.

…

"Why do you dwell in a ruined place of worship?"

"It's that or live at home, okay? Which is exactly like being in the church, except I don't have the option of just ignoring my phone and taking a message, because people are talking to me. There are people there, and I have to see them and talk to them."

"…Dude, you have issues."

"Plus, Tifa makes me baby-sit."

"I instantly accept your argument."

…

"Why is she saying you're sick, Cloud?!"

"How the hell would I know?!"

…

"Please take a moment to realise the fact that Reno and Rude are on the floor writhing in pain."

"YES!" Zack cheered, pumping a fist in the air. "Those two get on my nerves, it's so cool that Seph's insanity personified can beat the crap out of those two losers!"

"They annoy you?" Cloud grumbled, crossing his arms.

"Personally, I'm shocked he knows the word 'personified', much less can use it in conversation," Sephiroth mused.

"Shocking, isn't it?"

"You guys are mean!"

…

"The cameraman has an unusual obsession with Kadaj's crotch," Cloud said, nose wrinkling his distaste.

"Spike, buddy – here's a little hint when dealing with priceless weapons: if a seven-year-old can find it by accident and access it in less than a second, you need to hide it better."

…

"…Okay, now they're abducting small children… This doesn't help your 'I'm not a paedophile' claim, Seph."

"I refuse to honour that statement with an answer."

"…"

…

"Okay, so I find Tifa, and then pass out because… I'm… degenerating?" Cloud guessed, frowning at the rather vague film. "Then the scenery changes to some with rather disturbing connotations… and why is the wolf there!?"

"He's considering eating you, clearly," Zack said matter-of-factly.

"But how did he get into Aerith's church?" Cloud argued.

"Spike, you left the bloody door wide open. This is just like 'why did my materia get stolen?' – because you were an idiot. That is all."

"Shut up."

…

"Why are you in bed with Tifa – oh, wait, no, it was just a perverted camera angle."

…

"Why are those Turks in Tifa's bedroom? Don't answer that."

…

"Wait, wait, wait!" Zack waved his hands back and forth in the air, symbolling to stop the world while he deliberated. "So you're telling me," he said slowly, "that Spike here is not only over-sensitive to mako-" he began to count on his fingers, "-chosen as the 'test to destruction' subject in Hojo's lab, spent a year catatonic, lost all his memories and absorbed mine, and then gets this creepy voodoo disease with no cure?!"

"Yes," Sephiroth confirmed helpfully. Zack threw his hands up in the air and spun, grabbing Cloud to hug him.

"Poor Spike. Your whole life is a lemon! You have the worst luck ever!"

"Gerroff me!"

…

"Dude, Cloud, angst much?"

"Why am I being condemned for stuff I haven't and may or may not do in the future?" Cloud demanded. Zack levelled a finger at him.

"Just stay away from the emo-cloud that hovers over your head all the time, capishe?"

…

"That is a lot of kids and a lot of creepiness."

"And a lot of propaganda."

Zack and Cloud both turned to look at Sephiroth, who bristled defensively.

"Honestly! This is worse than blaming Cloud for the things his caricature is doing!" he scolded. "It's not even a proverbial me up there: leave me be!"

"Seph, why is he drinking the water? Cloud, didn't you bury Aerith in that lake?"

A sweet, female voice began to speak on the television, and both Cloud and Zack began to cough.

"AERITH!" Zack half-shouted. "She's alive!"

"No, she just dragged me into the Lifestream to talk to her, apparently," Cloud grumbled. "I've been hearing voices lately, but I didn't think she'd do that. That's more your thing, Zack." Cue significant look around and raised eyebrow. Zack turned up the volume.

"Gasp! Brace yourself in horror for the attack of a scared little girl!"

"Shut up, Zack."

"Well, you and this Vincent dude jumped like chipmunks on a high with you heard her rustling! Then again, you are high at the moment, Spike – bad trip, or something?"

"Shut up."

"Aw, but now you're sounding so paternal and reassuring. It's so cute!"

"Zackary, please. If you must hug Cloud, do not do so quite so enthusiastically: I am not sure he can breathe."

"Mglrrfgh!"

…

"Uh-oh!" Zack sang. "Looks like a few people have caught on to your paedophile secret, Sephiroth!"

"I am not," the general began heatedly, but stopped and sighed. "Nothing I say here will make any difference, will it?"

"Not even remotely."

…

"As far as crowd-clearing goes, that whole 'summon man-eating monsters in their midst' was pretty effective. We should try it sometime."

"Zack, you're dead."

"…"

"…"

"…Activating kicked-puppy look."

…

"Excellent."

"Fuck."

"No fair! How come Sephiroth gets to come back to life and I don't?!"

"Have faith, Zack, it could just be the raving of a lunatic."

"Cloud, face it: your luck just ain't that good."

…

"…Do you think they're aware that Jenova isn't really alive? She's a freaking head in a jar."

"Do not insult Mother in that manner."

"Seph, you were the one who made her a head in a jar. Before you scalped her, she was in one piece and arguably alive, at least vaguely."

"…I was insane at the time."

…

"I find all these names they are calling me rather flattering, I must say." Zack raised both eyebrows in surprise.

"They're calling you 'the Nightmare'," he squeaked. Sephiroth nodded, as if waiting for Zack's point.

"It's flattering – despite every horrible thing that has happened in history, my one-year stint as the world's, excuse the term, 'bad guy' has earned me the title 'the Nightmare'."

"Well, you were a very good bad guy," Cloud pointed out. "Except for the way, you know, you failed to kill anyone important… and you didn't really achieve anything… and you talked way too much about Jenova…"

Sephiroth fixed him with a stern glare. "Hush. I am trying to watch the film," he ordered severely.

…

"I imagine all this talk of 'mother knows best, she'll decide what to do when she gets here' makes perfect sense to you, Sephiroth?"

"Yes."

"…Is that really all you're going to say to this?"

"Yes."

"You're not blushing, are you?"

"This is humiliating. Are you sure these are my clones?"

"The only successful ones."

Sephiroth buried his face in his hands.

…

"Okay, who the hell are all these people that just turned up?!" Zack shrieked. Cloud looked at him.

"Friends of mine," he said listlessly. Zack looked put out, as if he hadn't anticipated Cloud making friends after he died.

"You know Tifa and Denzel. The black guy is Marlene's dad, Barret, leader of AVALANCHE before I decided I wanted to be in charge. The red lion-dog is Nanaki, or Red XIII. Ignore the cat: I've never gotten that thing. The girl with the parachute is the Wutaian Princess Yuffie. She… actually turns up like this quite a bit – I think she spends her whole life cruising the Planet looking for battles to jump into. Vincent I've explained-"

"Not really," Sephiroth put in, almost hopefully. Cloud ignored him.

"The cussing blonde one is Cid, the pilot."

"Man, he has a mouth on him."

"Actually, this is toned down. A lot. And the big flying thing is Bahamut-Sin."

"Yes, we've met," Zack said tersely. Cloud smirked.

…

"Do you and your friends get together to fight like this often, Cloudy? It's just, you guys seem oddly good at kicking butt as a team."

"You have no idea."

…

"More disturbing connotations."

"Zack, mind out of gutter, brain connected to mouth. Please."

…

"This film doesn't set much stock in the way of continuity, does it?" Sephiroth observed mildly as Kadaj shot at the President approximately fifteen minutes after he pulled the trigger.

"Or gravity," Cloud said through gritted teeth as Zack adopted a 'now, boys' expression and on-screen the President and Kadaj began to fall to their presumed deaths. "Please pause the movie. I need to rant."

The film was obligingly stopped, and Cloud stood, taking a deep breath. "Gravity! Nine point eight metres per second per second does not change! No matter how bad-ass you are, you cannot fall faster or slower than that! Gah!"

Throwing his hands up into the air, he threw himself back onto the sofa, muttering mutinously. Zack started the movie again without comment.

…

"Fail aiming President ShinRa!"

"Seriously, he was right below him! How hard could it be – aim down, pull trigger. Easy."

…

"How the hell is that – that's not even physically possible!"

Zack shushed him. "Who cares? It looks damn cool!"

"Presumably that is what the directors wanted us to think," Sephiroth observed coolly.

…

"HE DROVE A MOTORCYCLE OVER THE FLOWERS!!!"

"Breathe, Zack. Are you okay?"

"NO, I'M NOT!"

…

"THEY BLEW UP THE FLOWERS!!!"

Zack looked like he was having a hysterical fit. The other two ignored him.

…

Zack came out of his fit to laugh as on-screen Yuffie said, "That Cloud's a royal pain in the ass. Just like always."

"Well, she's got you pinned," he teased his blonde friend.

"Oh, back with us, are you, instead of agonising over the imaginary demise of flowers?" Cloud replied bitingly.

"He's come back from the dead to kill me and you're happy about it?!" he demanded. Zack hesitated.

"Well," he stalled, "He's my friend, too, and it's a huge achievement to come back from the dead. Hey, what did he just say?"

"He said it was a pity Cloud's geostigma was gone," the off-screen Sephiroth reported, eyes fixed on his on-screen doppelganger. Zack grinned.

"Wootness for Aerith's happy-soap!" he cheered.

…

"Okay, Seph, you can't listen to that speech and not think 'nut job'!" Zack appealed to his friend, waving his hand at the posturing Sephiroth on-screen. Off-screen Sephiroth didn't reply, and Zack gaped at him. "You mean you can? Weirdo."

Cloud glanced at Sephiroth and replied for both of them. "Zack, shut up."

…

"You have a WING, Seph!?" Zack shrieked. Sephiroth looked from Zack to the version of himself hovering on his single wing on the television screen.

"Yes," he said.

…

"Urk." Zack made a sound like a bird that had been stepped on. Cloud instantly pressed hands over his ears, and Sephiroth wondered why. A second later, he found out.

Cloud pried a hand away from his ear. "Is it over?" he asked Sephiroth around Zack. The once-general shrugged.

"With Zackary, who knows?" he pointed out as Zack gathered Cloud into his arms, hauling him into his lap and seeming to attempt the act of zipping Cloud inside Zack's jacket alongside his friend.

Sephiroth idly wondered if he should intervene, but decided that the movie would be more interesting.

…

As the explosion rocked the on-screen world, Sephiroth turned to the more amusing spectacle that was a white-faced Zack clutching a squirming Cloud so tightly the smaller of the two couldn't breathe, move, or (more importantly) protest.