There is No Timetable for Dealing with a Loss

As 2016 came to a close, I mentally made a checklist of all the things I had to accomplish before the clock struck midnight. The house was immaculate – except for the camping tent pitched in the corner of my living room, a Christmas present for my kiddo who refused to have it placed in her room. All the laundry was washed – the dryer is still humming in the background as I type but at least there isn’t a dirty article of clothing in the house.

I switched off from my usual crime-TV show to catch the countdown on Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve with Ryan Seacrest. It’s an annual tradition to watch the ball drop in Times Square.

The clock struck midnight and I reflected on 2016 and said a prayer for 2017. It was then that it caught my eye: my wedding ring.

It’s been 4 years and 10 months since the unexpected death of my husband. Five years and 10 months since we stood surrounded by friends and family as he placed the rings on my finger. We never saw death lurking around the corner, barely giving us a year as husband and wife.

For the past few months I’d been telling myself that the year would not end with the rings on my finger. It was time to remove them. I even asked other widows what they did with theirs. I heard everything from storing them in a jewelry box to melting the rings down to create a brand new piece.

As the days flew by, I kept thinking I was ready and it wouldn’t be a major emotional trigger. Heck, I’d started going out with someone while wearing my wedding ring so it wasn’t as if I hadn’t made peace with my hubby’s death.

Honestly, the ring on my finger served many purposes. I felt connected to my spouse in some way by continuing to wear it. Other days, it warded off the creepy guy who approached me to ask for my number. I flashed it and proudly announced I was happily married.

Other days, the ring was a burden. I would often see friends and family slowly gaze at my finger, perhaps wondering when I was going to remove it. That was always awkward. Then, there were times when people would look at it and ask how long I’d been married. That was always painful. But then there were times when I found myself locking eyes with a handsome stranger then seeing him look at my ring, smile politely and walk away. That was always disappointing.

I was determined to remove my rings before the clock struck midnight and ushered in 2017. It just seemed like a perfect time to make changes.

I figured I’d wear both our rings around my neck and Cozumel, my port of call on my December vacation, would be the perfect spot to snag a necklace.

I went into store after store and reached the same conclusion: nothing worked. The selections were too long, too short, too thin, too thick, too fancy, too plain…

I should have known then that there was nothing wrong with the necklaces. It was me. I didn’t want to find one that worked. I wasn’t ready. I kept telling myself otherwise though.

At 10:45 p.m. on New Year’s Eve, I thought that since I didn’t have a necklace, I’d simply move the rings to my right hand. It’s now 1:02 a.m. on Sunday, January 1 and the rings remain just where they were placed by my husband.

Yes, I failed to meet my deadline but so what? There is no timetable for grief. I will not for a second feel bad about not taking off my rings to meet some arbitrary deadline I gave myself. Part of healing is listening to yourself. You have to know what you’re mentally capable of handling.

Not quite ready to pack away your spouse’s clothing in the closet? That’s fine. Take your time. You’ll know when you’re emotionally okay to do so. Dreading going through his tools in the shed? No biggie. There’s no widowed guideline for this sort of thing. Many times we just have to wing it and do what works for us.

Try to remember not to compare your journey. Simone may have taken off her ring 3 months post-loss and Kathy might have packed away her husband’s clothing within six months of his death but that doesn’t have to be your timeframe. Move at your own pace and don’t allow anyone to rush you into decisions, yourself included.

I may decide to take off my ring when I wake up for church in a few hours or I may take them on the 5th anniversary of his death…I don’t know. I do know that it will happen when I’m 100% at peace with my decision.

Kerry Phillips’ world was forever changed in March 2012 when just one week after her first wedding anniversary she got the call that no one wants to hear: your husband has died. Determined to not allow grief to drag her under, Kerry chose to become an advocate for the widowed community, sharing her own journey and those of other young widows. She also realized there weren't support groups for widows and widowers wanting to venture back into the world of dating and started Young, Widowed & Dating. It provides a forum for those seeking a new love story to share their dating adventures and insights into life after loss. Her weekly blog covers topics ranging from relationships with in-laws to dating while raising children and everything in between.

She is the author of “The One Thing: 100 Widows Share Lessons on Love, Loss, and Life, a resource for new widows told from the vantage point of those who have lived it, and ”Writing & Widowing: Journaling the Journey", a series of journal prompts for the widowed community. Kerry is also a contributor to the book, "Widowed But Not Wounded: The Hustle & Flow of 13 Resilient Black Widowed Women".

When she’s not blogging, Kerry is busy raising a feisty kindergartener and power-walking her way through local 5K races.

Kerry Phillips’ world was forever changed in March 2012 when just one week after her first wedding anniversary she got the call that no one wants to hear: your husband has died. Determined to not allow grief to drag her under, Kerry chose to become an advocate for the widowed community, sharing her own journey and those of other young widows. She also realized there weren't support groups for widows and widowers wanting to venture back into the world of dating and started Young, Widowed & Dating. It provides a forum for those seeking a new love story to share their dating adventures and insights into life after loss. Her weekly blog covers topics ranging from relationships with in-laws to dating while raising children and everything in between. She is the author of “The One Thing: 100 Widows Share Lessons on Love, Loss, and Life, a resource for new widows told from the vantage point of those who have lived it, and ”Writing & Widowing: Journaling the Journey", a series of journal prompts for the widowed community. Kerry is also a contributor to the book, "Widowed But Not Wounded: The Hustle & Flow of 13 Resilient Black Widowed Women". When she’s not blogging, Kerry is busy raising a feisty kindergartener and power-walking her way through local 5K races.

19 Comments

I moved my wedding ring to my right hand within 6 months of David’s death and I was ok with that. It will stay there until or if I marry again. Then I’ll have it melted down and turned into something else.

I don’t know if I would say that I am putting it off. I know there are a few thermal shirts that I wear to sleep in when I need to feel his closeness. I can’t imagine that I will ever give them up. Thank you Kerry,you put in writing so eloquently what many of us feel in our hear of hearts/

The last two weeks my ring has fallen off several times and I was afraid I would lose it.One of our granddaughters had tried to remove his ring earlier the night he died.He was swollen and it looked painful to all of us.He jerked his hand back and said I don’t ever take this ring off so it never came off.While I was reading this blog I moved my ring to my middle finger.I hadn’t been able to that B4. But it certainly makes more sense than losing it.THANK YOU .TI am too HIS GROUP FEELS SO MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE THAN SOME OF THE OTHERS.i’M NOT READY TO BE POKED AND PRODDED AND FORCED TO MAKE COMMENTS AND TO PARTICIPATE IN QUESTION And ANSWER TIME WITH A DEADLINE.I’m not there either.Hoping I’ve found a home.

I’m happy you moved it before it was lost. I’ve met several widows who are absolutely devastated that they’ve lost their wedding band. Glad you could relate to my experience. Having others be able to relate makes me feel less alone 🙂

Do what ever you feel is best for you. To many Widow and Widowers get caught up with what will others think. I did at first and quickly learned opinions of me had already been determined. Some favorable and some not. Guess who I am still in contact with?

I so wish I had had the choice of when to remove my wedding ring but unfortunately just over a year after losing my beloved, I had lost so much weight that it slipped off my finger. That was early in 2015. I still haven’t found it and my heart breaks that much more when I look at my naked finger. Thank you for sharing this part of your journey.

I never even gave my ring a thought. After my husband died, i immediately took his ring and had it soldered to mine. it makes me feel that he is always here. I haven’t set a timeline to take them off. I may never take them ofF. This year, I am selling our house. We lived here together for almost 40 years. Going to get an apartment and start a new chapter in my life. Thank you Kerry for your sharing your experiences.

Thank you for this. I too have been struggling with my rings. I stopped wearing them before he died and now here I am almost three years later and I put them on in the middle of the night during a cry-fest right before Christmas. I’ve been worried if people with think its strange or that I’m seeking sympathy for it, but you’re right, grief just happens when and how it happens. There is no timetable

PLEASE NOTE: The information provided at Hope For Widows functions, on the website and or on the Facebook pages are not to be interpreted as professional advice. Hope for Widows provides peer to peer support, to widows by widows, at any stage of their widowhood regardless of age, religion, race, etc. None of the Hope for Widows support group facilitators, Officers or Board of Directors are professional therapists or counselors. All seminars, workshops, webinars, videos and meetings are intended for educational and informational purposes only. Any professionals that may attend and/or speak at our functions do so only to share their experiences. Hope for Widows is not liable for the misrepresentation of any material provided or discussed at any of our functions. Hope For Widows Foundation is formed, founded and operated solely in the United States. Hope for Widows has no other affiliated chapters outside of the United States. All information provided on this site is owned and agreed to be used by Hope For Widows Foundation. Hope for Widows accepts and encourages woman worldwide.