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No amount of Gossip Girl episodes, gushy Michael Buble songs, or Jane Fonda-esque cardio can heal you after a bad breakup. Of course, that hasn’t stopped me from living vicariously through Blair and Serena, listening to Softly as I Leave You most nights before bed, and getting fiercely aggressive during recent tennis matches. The breakup was my decision, yet it still stings. It’s not satisfying to end things with someone you still care about. It’s all too easy to remember happy moments and forget why the split was necessary. Yes, he was good-looking, funny, fun, smart, affectionate…but he was also unambitious, immature, careless, uncommunicative, and never wrong. I don’t have a “perfect guy” checklist. However, I’ve discovered what should be on a “high quality, worth potentially marrying” checklist. Because next time, I want a best boyfriend, not just a boyfriend. Single ladies, get selective. If he’s not willing to pursue you on your terms, he’s the problem and you don’t have time to fix him. Personally, I believe a best boyfriend should:

Be my friend first. If you aren’t interested in me outside of the romantic aspect of our relationship, we are doomed. When we are 97-year-old nursing home veterans, with three non-false teeth and six strands of hair between us, the friendship may be all that’s left. I want to be able to ask you to do anything with me, from sipping tea and playing Scrabble to re-constructing a life-sized battleship drinking game. I want to be your favorite person. It’s flattering to be adored, but I can’t rely on that. What if I gain 10 pounds, or become disfigured in a terrible car accident? We have to find each other’s personalities fascinating and compatible first, prior to adding on anything else.

Make plans. I don’t need to see you every day, but I would prefer to know when I will see you next. This wild notion I’m advocating, which some refer to as planning, both gives me something to look forward to and lets me know you are intentionally carving out time to spend with me. I won’t begrudge you when you hang out with your friends if I know you aren’t doing so at the expense of hanging out with me. But don’t change plans with me at the last minute, just because your best friend asks you to do something. That is selfish, lazy, uncaring, and unkind behavior.

Put his phone away. You can text your grandma later, right? After all, she probably dozed off after she sent you that titillating message. I can no longer tolerate a guy who constantly checks his phone. Is he afraid he is missing out on something? That his friends will replace him if he doesn’t respond to text messages at lightning speed? If your relationship with your phone is that high-maintenance, you likely don’t have time for a girlfriend, too.

Respect my time. I can’t fit my life into yours. In fact, why should I, when you make no efforts to return the favor? Don’t take it for granted that I spent an entire day with relatives of yours I’ve never met before. Thanks for the free food, but it wasn’t much fun sitting across from your conversationally-deficient uncle while your mom explained the weaving pattern she used to make the place settings, and you sat at a different table from me. It would have been pretty swell if you had made an effort to consistently go to church with me, in return, but apparently I was asking for too much. Any guy who expects you to jump on board with his schedule, but makes no effort to integrate himself into yours, would benefit from a flogging, and should be removed from your phone book.

Be thoughtful. Gentlemen, the woman you are dating is always thinking about ways to please you. She wants to bake your favorite dessert, write you a sweet note, surprise you with a small gift. Saying I love you is merely an insincere, misleading gesture if not supported by actions. True thoughtfulness isn’t generic, either. Hallmark cards, chocolates, and flowers will all be interpreted as ‘I don’t actually know you very well yet, but I do know that girls generally like these things, according to mainstream media sources.’ No thanks. If you want to win my affections, take care of and invest in me. Offer to take out my trash; help me pick out and plant flowers on my deck; play tennis with me. Every girl is different. Another girl may want you to go shopping with her, or take dance classes with her. It’s your responsibility to figure out what variety of thoughtfulness your special chica needs.

Sincerely mean ‘I’m sorry.’ Don’t say sorry because you know I’m upset, don’t understand why, and just want the relationship back on cruise control. I’m upset for a reason. You should care why, and you should feel really badly about hurting me. Because when I’m mean to you, I feel terrible afterwards. And when I say I’m sorry, it’s quite genuine.

Be a grown-up. I shouldn’t have to include this on my list. Some other things I shouldn’t have to do are: accept that you will never want to go back to school, drive you home because you drank too much, or try to hide emotions from you because I don’t want to come off as ‘annoying’. Grown men will not unnecessarily burden you, nor will they make you feel like a burden.

I still really miss the ex-boyfriend. I have irrational thoughts of banging on his door at midnight, in the rain, and us reuniting, realizing we should be together. But I also want him to see me doing wonderful without him, and make him hurt. When thinking clearly, I admit neither option is healthy. But the following salad recipe definitely is! I copy-catted Chick-fil-A’s Grilled Market Salad. But the chicken seasoning is all me.

HD’s GRILLED MARKET SALAD (Servings: 1)

INGREDIENTS:

–1/2 ‘Spring Mix’ salad bag

-10 leaves of Romaine lettuce, chopped

-6 to 8 strawberries, quartered

-1/4 cup blueberries

-1/4 apple, diced

– 1-1/2 Tbs. blue cheese

-3 oz. boneless, skinless chicken breast

-Chicken seasoning: salt, lemon juice, yellow mustard

-2 Tbs. Ken’s Light Honey Dijon dressing

DIRECTIONS:

Heat a small amount of water in a skillet. Place the chicken breast in the pan. Sprinkle with lemon juice and salt. After one minute, flip chicken breast and sprinkle other side with lemon juice and salt. Continue cooking chicken, adding mustard. Once outside is cooked, remove from skillet and cut into strips. Place strips back into skillet and cook until no longer pink. Add more salt, lemon juice, and mustard to taste.

2 Responses to “And so it Goes”

Are you active on Twitter? Twitter has one site, @ThoughtCatalog, that publishes a lot of these sort of self awareness essays. They are meant to be entertaining and sincere and informative (like, from the heart) and this one is as good or better than the ones that I have read. Something to keep in mind if you’re looking to expand your audience. I’m not qualified to offer you relationship advice so I won’t. But definitely keep writing. You have the gift of communication. Take care. (@Medium might be another Twitter site you could use.)

I do have a Twitter account, but I have not used it in a couple of years. Thank you for the suggestion! I will look into @ThoughtCatalog – I would love to get published elsewhere. And thanks, always, for reading my blog.