Real Feelings.

FAQ’d by Shaq: Jehovah’s Witnesses

FAQ’d by Shaq #7.The Nicessist’s resident expertShaq MacNeil answers the most frequently asked questions about a group of pious people who regular take the Lord’s name in vain: Jehovah’s Witnesses.

Shaq, who is Jehovah?

Great question.

“Jehovah” is the Latinization of the Hebrew “Yahweh”. Pardon the accent. My Hebrew is a bit gentile.

In the Hebrew Bible, “Yahweh” is the proper name for the God of Israel. You may know him/her better by his/her nickname “God”. However, if you want to be formal/blasphemous, you’d use Yahweh or Jehovah.

Shaq, who are Jehovah’s Witnesses?

Great question.

Jehovah’s witnesses are a millenarian restoration Christian sect.

The sect emerged in 1870 Pennsylvanian where founder Charles Taze Russell’s “Millennial Dawn Bible Study” disputed mainstream Christian beliefs such as the immortality of the soul, hellfire, predestination, Jesus coming back, etc. as they felt the church had been corrupted by power.

From the Bible Study, Russell would go on to write a series of books called “The Millennial Dawn”, providing much of the theology Jehovah’s Witnesses believe in today.

There’s a lot more to the story, but to answer your question in a concise fashion, a Jehovah’s Witness is anyone who subscribes to the teaching of Charles Taze Russell.

Shaq, what did Jehovah’s Witnesses witness?

Great question.

Hey dummy! It’s not literal! A witness is a person who proclaims views or truth of which he is convinced.

Therefore, “Jehovah’s Witnesses” is just a damn good name because it means that they proclaim the truth about God. Better luck next time, Episcopalians.

Shaq, do Jehovah’s Witnesses believe in Jesus?

Great question.

Of course they do! I mean, who in their right mind doesn’t believe in Jesus a little bit? As far as we’re concerned, water into wine is the greatest miracle ever accomplished and we desperately hope it really happened (and that it might happen again for this shitty glass of water we’re drinking as we write this).

Jehovah’s Witnesses have faith that Jesus came to Earth from Heaven and gave his perfect human life as a ransom sacrifice. It should be noted that they do not worship Jesus. Jesus said, “The Father is greater than I am,” and they took that to heart. But still, thank you Jesus for the ransom sacrifice.

Shaq, what does “ransom sacrifice” mean?

Great question.

“Ransom sacrifice” is a theological theory which claims Adam and Eve sold humanity over to Satan at the time of the Fall. To free humanity from the Devil’s clutches, God had to pay a ransom. God tricked the Devil into accepting Christ’s death a ransom, for the Devil did not realize that Christ could not be held in the bonds of death. Justice was satisfied with Christ’s death and humanity was freed from Satan’s grip.

Meanwhile, the Devil has been kicking himself in Hell ever since Jesus emerged from that cave alive on Easter Sunday. Should have challenged God to that fiddle contest, Satan. You would have taken him.

Shaq, why don’t Jehovah’s Witnesses celebrate birthdays?

Great question.

Because birthdays have pagan roots, you heathen.

Birthday celebrations originated from the belief that on a person’s birthday, “evil spirits and influences have the opportunity to attack the celebrants” and that “the presence of friends and the expression of good wishes help to protect the celebrant.” Keeping evil birthday spirits away, like the evil birthday spirit of feeling like you haven’t accomplished anything in an entire year, by surrounding yourself with loved ones is technically divination, something the Bible strictly forbids.

Shaq, why don’t Jehovah’s Witnesses accept blood transfusions?

Great question.

Both Testaments, Old and New, command disciples to abstain from blood. God views blood as the lifeblood of life. Avoiding taking blood that is not your own, blood that was not given to you by God, shows respect to the big man/woman as the Giver of Life.

But now that you mention it…blood transfusions were uncommon in Biblical times. Research into blood transfusions only began in the 17th century with William Harvey’s experiments with transfusion between animals.

How Biblical authors had the foresight to forbid medical procedures that wouldn’t exist for another 1660 years is anyone’s guess.

Shaq, why do Jehovah’s Witnesses go door to door?

Great question.

I had heard that the reason Jehovah’s Witnesses go door to door is because convincing someone to join is the best way to get your name on Heaven’s guest list. And with the amount of people dying every day, you better believe jumping that line would be so sick.

However after some research that can only be described as “perfunctory at best”, it appears that Jehovah’s Witnesses go door to door simply because they are following the example set by the first Christians, making disciples of people of all nations.