IGN Voting Guide 2004

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We won't be your monkey.

By Tom McNamara

I think we can all agree that while the election is quite spiffy, the candidates aren't the most interesting people you could think of--interesting to us, at least. Without getting into any details about why a given candidate either puts us to sleep or enrages us enough to throw our pet cat through the window (it was open, okay?), let's just move right along and make our own Dream List of potential presidential candidates. Our gaming gods and goddesses, of course.

Me, I would just go with Morgan Freeman, but then this would be a pretty short article. Okay, Jon Stewart would probably also make the short list. And while we're at it, tack on Maynard James Keenan. Well, I suppose I could make Freeman the Prez and have Stewart and Keenan do things like Secretary of Defense, head of the secret police, that sort of thing. Hey, this is kinda fun! We could have Keith Richards run the DEA and Jenna Jameson in charge of the CDC. Things gonna change around heah!

As I was saying, imagine if you could pick one game industry luminary to run the country. Would it be CliffyB in a bunny suit and chewing on a stalk of wheat? Or perhaps you'd care for a guy in chainmail--no not that kind of chainmail, people--storming into a turgid House subcommittee with a frigging claymore high over his head, shouting Celtic curses.

But before you can vote in the poll found at the bottom of this page, you have to have a run down of the illustrious few that have made it past the primaries and into the final vote. Here are your candidates, in no particular order, mostly because we're too lazy to bother...

Roberta WilliamsThis photo is not of Roberta Williams, but it came up in the GIS (Google Image Search) and I found it rather amusing, so there. Ms. Williams has a few titles under her belt you may have heard of, like the entire King's Quest series, and the epic 6-CD Phantasmagoria. What does Roberta bring to the political table? Unimpeachable knowledge of medieval society, my friends, and you can't hit that with a bat. When she gets the Renaissance Faire bloc on her side, there's no stopping her. Huzzah!

CliffyBHe's a relative newcomer but brings some cool things to the table, like the Unreal series, which he took from a promising start to a Madden-like cottage industry in the space of five years. He also knows how to get his hair just right, which I find fascinating.

John RomeroLove him or hate him, John Romero is a gaming culture force to be reckoned with. Multi-million dollar pentnouse offices, a girlfriend posing for Playboy, shiny sports cars, and an infamous mane. Is he Latin? Italian? Chinese? I don't know. But the man taught us how to talk trash, and that's what matters.

Richard GarriottThis MMO guru also knows his way around a set of medieval armor and also happens to be a supremely polite and energetic guy. He also doesn't try to fake a British accent, which allows us to continue to suppress our memories of the live-action role playing we did in high school. Shut up. I don't want to hear about the lightning bolt.

Gabe NewellMake all the Krispy Kreme jokes you want, but Gabe Newell and Co. are about to unleash the most highly anticipated computer game ever, and he will be able to make a house made of pure money--and then burn it down, cackling in the night. Make all the claims you want about the delay of Half-Life 2, because you know you want it and you know it doesn't care about you, just like the last one. Where was I again?

John CarmackHe has been described as an unerringly professional and courteous gentleman, but he's also very busy and had to send in a hell knight for his photo shoot. He's commonly listed as a game designer, but what Carmack really does is summon whole graphics engines from the rectum of Hell using only the power of his mind. He'll be sitting there eating corn flakes one morning, then his eyelid twitches a little and a CD materializes on the table. He's that good.

Warren SpectorThis man is another unfailingly friendly individual, so of course he must be up to something. Every photo we have of him shows him beaming like a Dad whose son just got into the Haas School of Business, and you picture a sunny family barbecue picnic or amusement park in the background. He also never appears to shave his beard. You always wonder what people would look like if they shaved their facial hair, and then they shave it and you invariably decide that it looked better before. What's up with that?

Derek SmartAt the risk of being inundated with an avalanche of litigation, we feel compelled to add the infamous Derek Smart to this list. His games may be as approachable as Fortress Europe, but we're sure that he's just a misunderstood genius who will triumph over adversity and get the girl in the end, as long as there isn't a crash to the desktop. We love you, Derek!

Sid MeierAnd who can forget the inimitable Sid Meier, who wowed us with Pirates! and looks like he'll be wowing us again with the remake. He's come full-circle and put out things like, oh, Civilization, Gettysburg!, the F-15 Strike Eagle series, and Alpha Centauri with Brian Reynolds in the meantime. Not a bad curriculum vitae, captain.

Will WrightIt's hard to believe that Will Wright actually had to shop around Sims 2 before EA deigned to pick it up. Now he's responsible for the highest-selling PC game ever made, ever. Whatever he touches at this point is bound to turn into gold, as long as it isn't my hands, which I need to type and hold a can of beer.

So there you have it. Now that you have these candidates (each chosen through a rigorous five minute selection process including a dart board, several coin flips, and a straw hat) you should be able to make an informed decision on the future of our nation. Whether it's the strategic mind of Sid Meier or the space bound forward thinking of John Carmack, each possible candidate has something to bring to the table, even if it's a box of Krispy Kremes. Now just click on the poll link to the right and make your choice, or send us your write-in vote.