Coping with a $115.5 million shortfall in the next two years and
another raise in student tuition, UC regents this week adopted drastic
fund-raising and cost-cutting decisions that they say will help the
school system move toward a more fiscally stable future. Among the new
plans: University officials are now soliciting corporate sponsorships,
selling advertising space during lectures, and amending the renovation
plans for the UC president's mansion. So far, American Apparel has
signed on as UC Berkeley's official clothier.

Many female students are said to be really excited about the deal
with American Apparel. Starting this summer, they're all getting the
new ultra-micro-mini miniskirt. But in lieu of the "skirt lifter"
lurking around south campus, they'll also get a complimentary pair of
leggings, which are available in cotton/Lycra, latex, and spandex
fabrics. "I think this will really improve the school's style,"
enthused sophomore Amber Littleton, on her way to class in the rhetoric
department. As part of the deal, Fridays have been christened "Leotards
Are Clothing, Too" days. Any student wearing the one-piece will get a
voucher good for one free sock or a 5 percent discount on a pair of
oversized 1980s sunglasses. Male students will get very low-cut V-neck
T-shirts and a Members Only jacket emblazoned with the Cal logo.

American Apparel paid the university $15 million for the exclusive
right to outfit the students. Secretary to Chancellor Robert Birgeneau,
Elaine Pouffé, said the move wasn't entirely opportunistic; the
company's tri-blend fabric with polyester is warmer than 100-percent
cotton and will thereby cut down on heating costs. "This is a step
toward combating global warming," Pouffé said.

Not everyone on campus is thrilled with the official clothier,
however. About twelve students from the molecular and cell biology
department have staged a protest in the Valley Life Sciences Building.
"The polyester fibers could catch fire in the lab," noted senior Kevin
Lee, who was on day three of a Red Bull-only hunger strike. "I'm
sticking to the fleece pullover I got at the TED conference." However,
Lee added, he wouldn't mind getting one of American Apparel's new fanny
packs.

Some protesters have taken over an oak tree outside of Wheeler Hall,
where they've set up a makeshift tent, hung signs, and chanted slogans
during lunchtime. One protester, a Berkeley resident who is not a
student at the school and who wished to remain anonymous on account of
being spied on by the US government, said he was upset about the
university's decision because it contributes to the city's "visual
pollution." "Berkeley is home to the Free Speech Movement," he said.
"Forty years ago it was the war in Vietnam. Today, it's the war against
bad fashion."

Student athletes were also upset because the company's mandated
jerseys are cut entirely too small to allow free range of movement. "My
arms are bursting out of my sleeves," said football player Harry Power.
"I can't breathe."

In other sponsorship news, naming rights have been sold to the Haas
School of Business, which will be rebranded the Google Center of
Commerce. A new major, "How to Make YouTube Profitable," has also just
been created, and any student who figures it out will automatically
graduate, get a job with the company, and receive a complimentary
Volkswagen New Beetle.

The school has also started selling Google pop-up ads, which are
being inserted every five minutes in PowerPoint presentations. School
officials said they aren't yet clear on what effect this might have on
the learning process, but they're confident that a generation of
students weaned on video games will adjust.

Students and faculty aren't the only ones affected by the new
decisions. The new budget also shifts away funds from the $567 million
renovation project of the UC president's Berkeley Hills mansion, which
is seen as critical in luring top-notch faculty to the school. The
mansion was to include an Olympic-size infinity pool, outdoor grill,
and state-of-the-art solar-paneled teepee for the president's new
passion for Bikram Yoga, said a source close to the project. The
mansion will now have only a kiddie-size infinity pool, but the
president has said the infinity component is key to keeping faculty
members like Boalt law professor John Yoo happy. "He likes to practice
waterboarding on his students when they get anything less than a B+,"
said the source. "Plus, Stanford has a Slip-N-Slide."

Among the other cost-cutting moves: UC administrative compensation
packages will no longer exceed $500,000 or include lifetime memberships
to the Berkeley Tennis Club. Campus Segways will be replaced by golf
carts powered by BP. "These may be less efficient, but they're way less
dorky," admitted campus transportation manager Jim Butterworthy. The
university also has entered an exclusive contract with Food Not Bombs
to cater department luncheons.

Student groups, citing a lack of funds from the ASUC, are coming up
with their own fund-raising methods. Campus religious groups have
banded together to start a fee-based singles dating service called
MatchMadeInHeaven.berkeley.edu.
Students who protested Panda Express have written letters of apology
and are asking for the company to reconsider and please serve them
mediocre Chinese food. "That would be way rad," said freshmen Neil
Cooper.

UC officials have also signed on to a new reality show called Who
Wants a Degree? in which high school seniors compete for a slot in
the freshman class. Participants are required to have a 4.3 GPA and a
minimum 700 SAT average, and they must woo admissions officers with
lattes from Cafe Strada and valet parking. Finalists must endure riding
the 51 bus every weekday without going insane.

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