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Murray, UT—The American International School of Utah (AISU) choral program came into this school year with an understandable sense of uncertainty. The legend that was Ms. Erica is gone; many of the most talented students transferred or graduated; and Kelly was fired, which brought general happiness levels to an all-time low throughout the school. Needless to say, the future didn’t seem too bright for the AISU choral program.

The only thing AISU choirs really got to look forward to this year was the new choir director, Ms. Houghton. Possibly even more overqualified than Ms. Erica was for this job, Ms. Houghton reportedly taught Ms. Erica everything she knows about choral directing—and that’s a lot. However, some experts have expressed a concern: Given Ms. Houghton’s amazingness, will the choirs still be able to get as much sucking out in rehearsals?

The AISU choirs’ well-known awesomeness has long been attributed to their ability to sound downright awful during rehearsals, so that by the time a performance came along, there was no suckiness left in the performers, leaving only pleasant sounds that impressed judges.

Would a talented director like Ms. Houghton be able to get her students to suck sufficiently during rehearsals to keep this tradition going? After almost four weeks of choir, this concern has been thoroughly settled, as choir members and spectators alike have been overwhelmed by the unexpected amount of sucking the choirs have been getting out already. One choir analyst reports, “The first week of choir, both choirs were sounding really nice. They had a great sound and blended well and seemed to be picking things up really quickly. So obviously, we were really concerned. Devastated, in fact. It crushed a lot of hopes that AISU would be able to compete again.” He continues, “Luckily, by the third week, both choirs had gotten back to it and are sucking at a much more acceptable rate! Based on how much they’re sucking, there’s a good chance they won’t have any sucking left by the time they compete at the upcoming Shakespeare Festival!”

A student from the tenor section added, “I can only speak for my section, but we’ve sucked so much already! Nobody can hold a part, we can’t stay in tune, and we couldn’t find our notes if our lives depended on it. In fact, we have so much trouble finding our notes that by the time we compete at Shakespeare next week, there won’t be any notes left besides the right ones! I’ve never been more optimistic about our progress. I think our section alone has gotten more sucking out over these first two weeks than probably any choir has at AISU so far.”

Ms. Houghton also commented, saying, “To be honest, I didn’t know the AISU choirs had this much sucking in them! Erica has told me stories and everything, of course, but I thought she was exaggerating!” She added, beaming, occasionally slipping into a Boston accent. “I’ve never heard a choir who has been able to get this much sucking out in rehearsals, and I’m very proud.”

Word of all this sucking has reached competition judges, who reportedly have responded by engraving “AISU” into all of their trophies and plaques, just to save time.

The Utah state charter board recently “strongly suggested” that the AISU board of directors add Dan Griffiths, a deceased Welsh rugby player, to the board, in order to help with finances (something that Dan Griffiths has helped other boards with, and something that the AISU school board is not supposed to have anything to do with). Read Dan Griffith’s full bio here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dan_Griffiths, and/or read a short summary below:

Dan Griffiths (1857-1946) was a Welsh rugby player and coal miner, who now helps school boards disobey their own bylaws from beyond the grave. He only ever played 2 international rugby games, both for Wales, and ended his career 1-1. He likely died from a combination of rugby injuries, lung problems from coal mining, trying to pronounce the name of the place he was born (Cwmduad), and angry time-travelling AISU students and parents who poisoned his food before giving him a chance to make things right by overthrowing the rest of the school board hunger games-style and reinstating the Farleys and Kelly. Staff members probably would have gone, too, if they weren’t afraid of getting fired. So now’s your chance, Dan. We’re watching you, one foot in the time machine.

Rugby: the only sport where men can wear short shorts and be tough at the same time.

This is a scrum. It is as intense as it looks. It might have also been a cause of Dan Griffith’s 1936 death.

Yes, old-timey basketball had short shorts, too, but it wasn’t tough enough. That’s why they don’t have short shorts anymore. Rugby’s short shorts remain, because they’re tough enough to make up for it.

Disclaimer: Dan Griffiths, Cwmduad-born deceased Welsh international rugby player and the new member of the AISU school board, is not to be confused with Daniel Griffiths, currently living Welsh rugby player, Coedcae School alumni. Dan played forward, Daniel plays fly-half/fullback. They’re very distinct, really.

Note: The AISU board is still looking for approximately 3 new members. If you are a caring parent or community member (or even student) who likes attending last-minute monthly meetings and making crucial decisions about AISU that you probably aren’t authorized to make, or if you know someone who has those qualities, apply to be a member of the school board by following this link: tinyurl.com/y8d2wjvm

Note, the sequel: if you get chosen when you sign up through the gravy, you are volunteering to take on the rest of the school board to a fight to the death hunger games-style, and/or go to all the meetings covering your ears and singing “Reinstate Mike Farley” at the top of your lungs the whole time.

Note, the trilogy: sign one of these petitions so that you don’t have to be on a board with the same people who break their own bylaws. That probably isn’t a positive environment to be in. Student Petition or if you’re a Parent or misc. community member Parent Petition

AISU—The American International School of Utah’s board of directors and some administration members held a community meeting on Tuesday to discuss subjects they had previously refused to comment on. In the meeting, they continued refusing to comment on these subjects. However, each attending member of the board (2 members) and members of school administration did have pieces of food in their teeth. This meant that while community members watched AISU metaphorically crumble to pieces, they also got to watch the school board and administration’s teeth do the same thing due to cavities and delayed dental checkups.

One of the subjects they refused to comment on was the removal of Mike Farley and if and when he will return. Many community members were frustrated by this, since Farley’s firing was their main concern and primary reason for attending the meeting. However, after the meeting, several people reported other things to be concerned about, including: When the last time Mark Smith has flossed was? If the number of success coaches is being cut in half, will the amount of success be cut in half as well? And was that a two-month-old cheeseburger in between Dr. Maxfield’s left canine and first premolar?

The board and administration also refused to tell some angry theater kids (who had attended the meeting in Shakespearian attire and asked every question using broken Victorian English with a British accent) who the new drama instructor will be. They did say that Mindy chose the replacement and is very excited about him, which worries theater students. Don Miller, the band instructor, is also being replaced, but administrators would not reveal the name of person replacing him, except to say he will be a “perfect fit,” which worries the band students. Mr. Justis’s right upper lateral incisor fell out and immediately disintegrated, which didn’t seem to faze any of the students at all.

The one piece of useful information that was given at this meeting was that Mike Farley was released for financial mismanagement, such as paying for fees the school owed out of his personal money. A piece of useful information that was not given was that the school board should not be involved in financial decisions, according to its own bylaws. The board and administration also said that their legal advisors had advised them not to release information concerning the termination of the entire Farley family, likely because the terminations were illegal, but it remains a possibility that they could not say any more because they were afraid that their teeth would shatter.

A helpful infographic for the school board and administration

At one point during the meeting, the school board engaged in a shouting match with a member of the audience, during which a board member claimed she didn’t know that minutes from board meetings were not being posted online. The audience responded that this was a lie, and furthermore, that the school board member had something green in her teeth. The board member responded very loudly to say that she didn’t have anything in her teeth, because she brushed her teeth right before this meeting (which was also determined to be a lie, according to the Daily GravyFact Checker).

The meeting adjourned with refreshments, which were cookies shaped like the Farleys’ heads and opened cans of soda filled with backwash, later discovered to be Mark Smith’s mouthwash.

If you want to make your voice be heard regarding the unjust termination of great people such as Mike Farley, Steve Farley, Greg Farley (Steve’s clone who worked as a lunch lady), and Kelly Casaday, you now have a great means to do so. Join your fellow students in voicing their disappointment in decisions made by the AISU board of directors in a cool and productive way.

If you are neither of these, but care about Mike and Steve and Greg and Kelly a great deal, sign either one. I don’t care. No matter who you are, though please do not sign both. We want this to be as honest and legal of a process as possible, as boring as that is. If you are a student AND a parent (we won’t judge), I guess you can sign both. Otherwise, stay honest please.

IMPORTANT UPDATE:

THERE WILL BE A TOWN HALL Q&A WITH MIKE FARLEY, WHO WILL, WITH A LEGAL INFORMANT, BE ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS THAT YOU, STUDENTS, PARENTS, OR UNCONNECTED COMMUNITY MEMBERS, MAY HAVE.

IT WILL BE AT 7:00 PM MOUNTAIN TIME, THURSDAY JULY 6, AT THE MURRAY LIBRARY (166 E. 5300 S., Murray UT, 84107).

OK CAN GOOD IMPORTANT CRUCIAL PEOPLE IN OUR LIVES AND AISU PLEASE STOP LEAVING ALREADY?!?!? Mr. Farley, you deserve your position. Everyone knows this. AISU is your school. Everything good we have accomplished is a direct result of your work and your mind. We hope everything gets worked out very soon and you can return, despite the situation being as it is right now. AISU owes you everything, from the beautiful building (we don’t blame you for the questionable carpeting choice), to the idealistic mindset of the school as a whole, to the hiring and organizing of the great administration and staff we have today. AISU is a direct result of your intelligence, your determination, your problem-solving skills, your creativity, your idealism, your selflessness, and your charity towards us. We know that you and your family have been more than open about all business dealings and that you would never do anything that you find immoral. We also know that AISU would be nothing without you, and that without you as a guiding force, we cannot continue to make the dream you had for us a reality.

Not to mention, with everyone who’s leaving, we seriously have nothing going for us as a school besides the largest outbreaks of whooping cough recently. We’re going to have to remarket ourselves as “The American International School of Pertussis” or something. Nobody wants that. “AISP” doesn’t sound good at all. It’s totally lame.

If what we hear turns out to be correct, and you have been permanently removed from your position, we will never stop relating you to Steve Jobs when he got fired from dumb Apple, so then he went made Pixar and stuff, and then Apple realized how freaking stupid they were, and hired him back. We hope it takes dumb AISU much less time to figure it out, though. We would also like to remind you that if you have spare time, guest articles for the Gravy will always be accepted (wink wink). (Also, please get back in there and stop them from doing early release Fridays. That’s just a really dumb thing.) (Oh, and get Steve back in here, please. Everybody misses him and he is very needed. And get rid of whoever’s got a problem with you guys. We’ll help. We can, like, call them names and stuff.)

AISU—As everyone outside of the North Korean prison camps and parts of Communist Cuba knows by now, The Erica Glenn will not be returning to teach choir or direct the performing arts at AISU next year. Ms. Erica has been chosen by Arizona State University (that’s ASU, or AISU without I) to receive the largest scholarship ASU has ever offered, take over the ASU women’s chorus, become a goddess, and pursue her education in choral conducting, all while ASU pays her to do it. Ms. Erica has somehow chosen this over her loving, procrastinating, get-all-the-sucking-out-in-rehearsals (but also sometimes in the performance) middle and high school students. The coin she flipped to make this decision was probably weighted somehow by those heckin ASU people.

Ms. Erica has always been incredibly overqualified for the job she held at AISU, but has used her overqualifications and otherworldly connections to make AISU what it is today: a school that, despite failing miserably at everything, somehow succeeds tremendously at the performing arts.

Because of Ms. Erica, AISU’s performing arts program has had the opportunity to perform with incredible musicians and influential figures such as Erica Glenn. Almost as valuable were opportunities to perform with Dallyn Bayles, Kurt Bestor, Aaron Kenny, That One Guy, and other amazing people, as well as some people who weren’t that amazing but are possibly sort of well-known-ish maybe. Ms. Erica led AISU’s performing arts to undeservingly win countless competitions and awards, from the Utah Shakespearean Festival to the Kurt Bestor Competition to State Music Festivals/Competitions and many more.

Ms. Erica has stuck with AISU’s choirs in times of trial and hardship, usually caused by AISU’s choirs, and helped the choirs get through the hard times and make something of it. From the first showcase for the school during week zero to the latest regional music competition, Ms. Erica didn’t give up on her students (and also probably bribed the judges at regions), and practiced them into being better and slightly more deserving of their accomplishments.

There was a time when AISUers asked hypothetically, almost with a chuckle, “What would AISU be without Ms. Erica?” Now the school must face the horrifying reality: “What will AISU be without Ms. Erica?” And no one is laughing. Truly the school will not be the same without Ms. Erica, who is arguably responsible for all successes and improvements AISU has ever had. In fact, it may well be that without Ms. Erica, AISU becomes, to most observers—including those in Communist Cuba—merely “that school that had the whooping cough outbreak.”

Many students and staff members are expecting AISU to completely shut down not long after Ms. Erica’s announcement. However, in what experts are calling a surprising and risky move, school officials recently announced that AISU will not go hide under a rock somewhere and cry itself to sleep. Instead, plans are to stagger along like a crippled dog and whimper occasionally. Bets on how many days or hours AISU will survive after Ms. Glenn leaves have been circulating throughout the school. Las Vegas has officially placed the over-under at one hour, with most people eagerly taking the under, while others optimistically insist it will last as many as 90 minutes. In anticipation, many staff members and students have already begun looking for greener pastures, such as the Utah Department of Corrections or Alcatraz.

However, some students have a more positive outlook, especially with the news we just received that Ms. Erica’s friend Ms. Sarah will be taking over in Ms. Erica’s place. Ms. Sarah has an impressive resume, and many AISU students hope that she is actually just Ms. Erica in disguise and this whole thing was an elaborate prank gone wrong.

Despite the sense of optimism about Ms. Sarah, Arizona State has reported record numbers of applicants in the past few days, including several AISU students who are nowhere close to graduating. Some students have speculated that this was ASU’s plan all along, and that the school has terminated the recruitment manager, unofficially giving that title to Ms. Erica. In related news, local surgical clinics have reported a sudden increase in men-to-women gender change operations, a trend that is striking similar to the recent increase in the number of audition requests for ASU’s women’s choir.

Ms. Erica has done more for AISU than anyone can ever repay her, and she’ll do the same for ASU. One day, when she is conducting the Mormon Tabernacle Choir or something bigger than that (which is hard to imagine, but then, we once thought the same about the AISU gig), as well as singing every part by herself, and taking whatever she does to unimaginable heights, the one consolation for her former AISU students will be that we can say, with a smile on our face and a song in our heart, “We heard it here first.”

Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away.Now it looks as though they’re here to stay.Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly I’m not half the man I used to be.There’s a shadow hanging over me.Oh, yesterday came suddenly.

Why she had to go, I don’t know, she didn’t say. [she did say, actually]I did something wrong [actually she says I didn’t do anything wrong, but she was offered a job that she isn’t super overqualified for, as well as full ride to ASU, but still], now I long for yesterday.

Yesterday life was such an easy game to play.Now I need a place to hide away.Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Why she had to go, I don’t know, she didn’t say. [except she did say]I did something wrong [actually she said we did great, but she got a great opportunity and it’s good for her, it’s just sad], now I long for yesterday.

Yesterday life was such an easy game to play.Now I need a place to hide away.Oh, I believe in yesterday.

After 2 years of AISU students failing to follow the school’s dress code, the administration chose to change the title of the “Dress to Learn” code to the “Learn to Dress” code, probably due to increased impatience.

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