Sunday, September 26, 2004

You know, sometimes I wonder what exactly I'm being punished for in my own life. I'm aware of the wrongs I've done, I'm aware that whatever I may or may not have done I could quite possibly be doomed for, for the rest of my life.
Maybe I'm in hell and I just don't know it.
I've prayed over the last month, for peace of mind, for wisdom, for guidance, and for patience.
How is it that I can't feel my own self worth anymore.
I work for a family that just doesn't appreciate what I do. Spend my money like yesterdays news, pretend that I don't factor in to any equation.
Maybe I don't factor in. Maybe, because I've royally fucked up my life at an early age, I don't deserve to be happy. Ever. Everytime I think I'm happy, something goes terribly wrong, and I start to wonder why I'm even alive.
I wonder why I put myself in the situation to begin with, why I let happen the things that happen. I wonder every day what I'm doing so wrong to cause myself so much heartache.
I'm coming to believe that every wrong that's happened to me, I'm derserving.
Maybe it's making me humble, miserable, lousy, useless, worthless. Take your pick. Maybe it's going to make me a better person some day, but after living with such a lousy picture for so long, I'm wondering if someday will ever come. Will someday come when Darius is grown, and makes a good choice, or get married, or graduates? Will a good choice come when I leave Darius with someone more worthy?
There's not a day that goes by these days where I don't wonder if he truly would be better off with someone else who could do more for him in life.
I do a lot for him, in his name, and because of him. That makes me better, marginally. I'm never going to be a happy person, but I can be one sometimes, if only because of him.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Since I last updated. Hm...
Well then. Today I slept in until round 11 or so. I had stayed up late with Chance and played Star Wars Monopoly. I was doing pretty good, but in the end I forfeited because I was tired, and it was gonna take a bit to make a comeback and I didn't feel like sitting longer than the four hours I had already been.
I'm working hard on my budgeting for next month. I've almost got a plan worked out. S'about time.
Mmm...mushroom soup with crackers. Yum.

September is almost halfway through already...time is flying.
I need to start Chrsitmas shopping man.
An update on the last 2 weeks.
Ou rocmputer hasn't been working right, for a while I couldn't check email or post on my blog because it wouldn't let me. I noticed tonight that it's working fine. IN-teresting.
Lastnight went to see Resident Evil 2. Was awesome, and I screamed and jumped a lot. I took my friends' daughter with me, and had a girls night out. got home round 10:30 or so. Was bored, stayed up and watched some movies, then headed to bed round 12:30.
Didn't work last weekend because I knocked myself out. Literally.
Took Ni and D and Chance to Spacewalkers cause Ni was leaving the next day, and we were playing tag, and as I ran full tilt to try and catch Ni, I didn't duck low enough to get into a tunnel, and hit the top of my head on the edge of the darned thing. Heard all the boned in my neck pop, then hit the mat behind me, and blacked out for a few moments. Came to holding my head, and almost cursing before I remembered where I was. Had a hard time moving my head, and my back and shoulders hurt the next day, so i called in sick. I got her machine (it WAS 6:30 in the am). I left a message and curled up with D to finish Sesame Street.
She called me back at 8 and asked why I hadn't called her to tell her I wouldn't be in. I said I did, then she says oh yeah, I remember the phone ringing. Then she asks, why didn't you leave a message, I said I did, and I said to call me back so I could explain what happened. She said there was no message.
You would think that I would clue in...the last 2 times I've called in to say I couldn't make it, she never got the message from her machine. I should've called back again.
In any event, because I was a no show that day, she called someone else in for the rest of the weekend. So, I didn't work last weekend, or even until Wednesday where I only worked a half day. I'm working again this weekend, all better now.
Had an exciting week I spose. Time at home to heal up, and clean up since mom and Kimmie have been gone on vacation again.
Been hard pressed to keep those dishes clean...am pondering getting that dishwasher fixed as a X-mas gift.
Haven't been doing much really, trying to make life livable, and bearable. Keeping my focus on D.
He's such a joy. He says "excuse me" now, and am working to get him potty trained.
The daycare has expanded their Toddler program, and have made a new room which Darius gets to be in. Same person/persons taking care of him, except not as crowded. If it ever was.
He's happy with daycare again, and when I went to pick him up on Thursday, I spent a half an hour trying to coax him to leave. We were playing when I asked him for a kiss. He gave me my smoochie, and promptly said "Bye-bye" and turned around walked away, and continued playing.
Went grocery shopping this last week, and spent 98 dollars on just snacks and the like for Darius. Holy schmoley.
Got my bills paid, and am saving movey for gas this month. Doing pretty good budgeting myself, and am rather proud of it. I've gotten a lot accomplished over this last week and a half...

Sunday, September 05, 2004

Me.
I did myself a doozy while playing with Niamh in Planet Spacewalkers on Friday night.
I ran, full-long into a tunnel/tube thingy and hit right on the top of my head, knocking myself out.
I was only out for a couple of seconds, but still. I remember hearing ever bone in my neck crack, and then hitting the mat behind me, where I woke up clutching my head with tears in my eyes.
Yes...tis true, I won the fight! By a pile driver!
Whatever...
Saturday was Niamh's last day, and seeing as Sylvia was nice and payed me 2 days in advance, I decided to take her out with D and get some play time in at Spacewalkers. After I knocked myself out, I decided to only play with D in the toddler pits. About 20 minutes later I called it as time to go home. My neck was aching, and my head really hurt. All day yesterday I felt like I had a cone for a head, felt like it came to a point at the top of the bump on my head.
After we got rid of all the guys...yes, all of them. Chance, Art and Marty drove Niamh home in the truck, and Kimmie was asleep. Mom and I took D to a toonie matinee of Shrek 2, and then we went swimming at Johnson Bently. We were there for an hour and a half and when I went to get him out, he didn't want to leave. Usually we're only there for about 45 minutes, max before we both get tired. He had lots of fun.
We were trying to make it a fun day since mom would be gone for a week before he'd see her again.
Last time mom took her vacation, he clung to her and refused to let her go when she got back.
I'm rather happy to have Niamh gone now. Though she's very polite and well mannered, almost, she still has a lot of growing up to do. She farts at will, and aims it at times, and surprisingly, she puts Chance to shame. She doesn't turn the lights off behind herself, or pick up after herself unless she told to, and gets a new cup everytime she wants a glass of water. Pet peeves only because I had to start telling her to do these things. For the whole first week it was difficult to tell her to be quiet when running down the hall to the bathroom, and even in the living room. Definately trying on the soul. I won't even mention what a picky eater she is.
That above all drives me nuts, when someone buys you something to eat, or makes you something, whether you like it or not, you eat it out of respect. This is a Gramma teaching. She obviously didn't learn it.
So, because I knocked myself out, yesterday I woke up and had a hard time turning my head without a nice twinge in my neck and shoulders, I called in and told Sylvia that I wasn't able to make it. She put me off for the weekend. I can't even remember the last time that I had a long weekend off. So I don't hafta go to work now until next Friday.
Now that mom and Kimmie are gone, it's time to bust down on house cleaning once again. Laundry, sweepeing and washiong floors, vacuuming, wiping down cupboards, and was thinking about moving the fridge and stove out. Asked mom a while back when the last time was that she cleaned underneath her appliances, and she said she couldn't remember. I assume this means that she has never done so in the 7 years or so that she's lived here. No biggie.
So...a full week off...let's see how productive I can really be.

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Well, here we are into the first day of September. *sighs*
Where does the time go?
This year has been so bad I can hardly remember why it's gone so fast.
One thing is for sure, I'm definately going to have some wild stories to tell after 2004 is all over and done with.
Yesterday was a bad day. Again.
Since the arrival of Niahm, Chance has once again slipped into the "I want" mode. In which he doesn't do anything except what he wants to do, and leaves me and D to pick up the slack. Now, I'm no Frued, but I know as much to tell anyone who has put up with behavior like this that they don't need it.
After many a conversations with Chance, repeated attempts to just have the man I married become the man I know he can be, I've just finally decided to call it quits.
Yes, I've said this before, and maybe I don't really mean it this time.
I haven't worn my wedding bands in over a month and a half. I was quite amazed to see that my tan line was gone the other day.
My problem is that I'm too good of a person, and am fully willing to give a person another chance. A trait that I attribute to my mother.
Well, the problem with this is, that eventually you've given so many chance's for reform, that there's nothing left of you. You've spent so long trying to make someone more lovable in your own eyes, that you don't realize that you've changed yourself to conform, instead of them growing some to catch up with you.
Now, Chance and I have never really been on the same plane to begin with. He from well-to-do parents, and me from a life of responsibility. Combine both and you'd think that they would mesh quite well. Well, we do...up to a point.
There comes a time in every person's life where they think to themselves; "Self, I wonder if there's isn't room for improvement upon the person you are". The point where your personality shows a glimmer of the person you will be in the future.
What brought this on you say?
Well, like I said, Chance's "I want" mode, and a brilliant occurence yesterday morning as I tried to sleep in.
I was told that I was "Pathetic" because I wanted to sleep while Chance drove mom to work, and he had to take baby with him in order to do so. On top of this, I had a nice over-night-soppy diaper rubbed in my face while I was still half asleep.
All because I wanted to sleep in, and he didn't want to take the baby with him.
My reaction? I threw a pillow at him. It hit him in the face.
His reaction to that? He told me that if I ever hit him with anything else ever again he would take Darius and leave, and that all he had to do was tell the authorities that I was beating him.
Now, I mulled over this for the most of the day, and it occured to me that what he's doing to keep us together is blackmail.
The threat being that I may never see my son again if we break up. That's more than enough for any loving mother out there to deal with.
I personally would not want a nasty ending to my relationship, lord only knows that I've my fill for my lifetime, but what I also would not want is to have Darius growing up knowing one side of his family.
I grew up with only one set of grandparents. I thought that was normal. It blew my mind when I found out I was the one who led an abmornal life. I missed out, and I really wouldn't want that for Darius.
My point in posting this on here?
Well, this is my personal blog. Blog being a "Weblog", a place where I can post any personal thoughts, feelings, or just regular stuff that runs through my head.
Up until now this thought hasn't really bothered me. Until I read a response to one of my latest posts. Yes, this means you Rhonda. I understand that you don't want to read things like "that" but like I said, this is my blog, and I can put on it what I will. If you don't want to hear or read about it, this is up to you...because you are a mom after all. Reading my blog is a better way to get to know me because I would normally, never have these kind of conversations with you otherwise. A different side of me comes out when I know I'm not gonna get blasted in the face from my mother when I say, "She really frustrated me today". Cause we all know that when I say something like that in person, it never comes out that way. This is the real me, once I've had time to think about what I want to say...you're all better off, I must admit, when you read what I've been thinking once I've thought about how to say it.
Probly goes the same the world over.

About Me

Amber

I am a walking contradiction. I'm honest to a fault, but have learned to filter my thoughts to sting a little less. I'm growing at a glacial pace, and am inviting you to watch. It's about as much fun as watching paint dry, but at least you've got an invitation!