Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Pay Up, Sucker: All That Speed's Not Gonna Buy Itself

In yesterday's post we took a trip back in time, all the way to the very dawn of the chain-driven symmetrical-wheeled bicycle:

Clearly we've come a long way in the last century and a quarter. I mean sure, they mostly had the whole bicycle thing figured out back then, but just imagine what a miserable experience cycling was without crucial innovations such as wheel counterbalance weights:

You know that lurching, heaving, out-of-control feeling you experience once you get your bike up to speed? Of course you don't. Nevertheless, you should add the unpredictable ride quality of improperly-balanced wheels to your list of imaginary stuff you can't feel, like the "beefiness" of your bottom bracket or the "carbon layup" of your plastic frame. Oh, also, without wheel counterbalances, you could be losing up to one (1) watt of power at 30mph:Silca claims that upgrading a pair of wheels with the SpeedBalance kit will save just over one watt at 30mph — slightly more savings than upgrading that same wheelset to ceramic bearings, the company claims.

This is ironic, because it's a scientific fact that the sorts of Freds who pay $36 for wheel counterbalance weights are wholly incapable of sustaining speeds anywhere close to 30mph unless they're traveling downhill.*

*[WARNING: Do not attempt to ride your bicycle downhill without using wheel counterbalance weights. Attempting to do so will result in speed wobble and death.]

By the way, can you imagine how insanely fast you'd be on a bike equipped with both a SpeedBalance kit and ceramic bearings?**

**[WARNING: Do not attempt to ride a bicycle equipped with both a SpeedBalance kit and ceramic bearings. Attempting to do so could turn your bicycle into a perpetual motion machine that continues to accelerate infinitely until you disappear into a black hole and emerge in another dimension.]

And if you're not convinced, just watch this video, where he spins a bike's wheel while it's on a stand:

I stopped watching at "tungsten slugs," but as far as I'm concerned the real takeaway here is that carbon wheels are fucking stupid.

If you really think about it though, the SpeedBalance kit is nothing short of genius, because while it's absurdly expensive for what it is (and what it is is nothing), Freds will still think it's a bargain because, you know, it's only $36. That's less than $40!!! How could you not buy it? That's why I'm pleased to announce the launch of my new wheel consultancy service.

Yes, for a mere $150 (that's per wheel) I'll perform a full balancing. Will it make any kind of difference to you out there on the road? Well, no, but when I put your bike on the stand you'll marvel at how the valve stems don't wind up at the bottom, which is exactly the sort of detail that screams "performance" to your fellow Freds when you're prepping your bike in the parking lot before the Fondo. Of course, that fee doesn't include the price of the weights, which of course I sell at a considerable mark-up. I also don't perform wheel truing, or flat repair, or hub overhauls, or really anything at all that requires any sort of expertise or that will make an actual difference to the function and performance of your wheels and bicycle. (For that, you'll have to go to something called a "bike shop," which is like a website with a front door.)

Not only that, but for an additional $50 per wheel I'll custom-curate your tire pressure based on your preferred terrain and body mass index. (Please note this service is subject to a $75 per wheel gravel upcharge. Please supply 500 grams of the gravel you'll be riding for expert analysis.)

I figure I can get away with this for a few years, at which point the wheel companies will get wise to the whole thing and start selling pre-balanced and pre-inflated wheelsets with proprietary valves, so when you need to air them up or change your pressure for a specific event you have to send them back to the factory.

But of course even the most perfectly-balanced and expertly-inflated wheelset won't yield optimum performance if you don't use it with the right equipment--especially on gravel, that magical road surface which has led the industry to a whole new world of marketing opportunity:

Watching the fork track over fine grit and gravel reveals just how much work the fork is doing — it feels like you’ve triple-wrapped your bars. The effect of this on longer rides is that hand fatigue is greatly reduced.

Oh, really? It feels like triple-wrapping your bars? Well here's a crazy idea:

Why not just skip the goofy fork and triple-wrap your bars???

There, I just saved you $790, not to mention looking like an idiot. Seriously, with that stupid thing on your bike even recumbent riders would be pointing and laughing.

S-Phyre SocksTo round out the footwear package, the S-Phyre RC9 and XC9 shoes are sold with color-matched socks. Shimano studied the shoe-sock interface (yes, it sounds a little crazy to us too!) to create a system that it says helps promote efficient pedaling through optimal ankle angles. An ankle guide is woven into the socks to ensure efficient pedaling rotation through the 360-degree pedal rotation and the socks have an anti-slip heel for better power transfer. We presume the socks are compatible with other types of shoes but not recommended for sandals.

Yeah, that's right Freds, it turns out you've been hemorrhaging watts at the ankles and heels.

Of course, for the ultimate in weight savings and power transfer, you should skip the footwear altogether and surgically attach the cleat right to your foot:

I'm going to start training right now to become the world's finest Fred farrier.

61 comments:

168. In the second place, one has to balance struggle and death against the loss of freedom and dignity. To many of us, freedom and dignity are more important than a long life or avoidance of physical pain. Besides, we all have to die some time, and it may be better to die fighting for survival, or for a cause, than to live a long but empty and purposeless life.

The idiots who pay $36 for Silca wheel weights are the same people who will pay $350 for a Silca Super Duper Track pump (which is the same as the Silca Track pump that you could buy for $29, 30 years ago.PS. Carbon tubular wheels aren't stupid, when you are racing. Carbon clincher wheels are stupid, all the time.

Oh man, can you imagine the embarrassment of losing a sprint because your sock game is too weak? The shame.

I went for a ride on Sunday wearing wool socks and ratty hiking shoes that I mow the lawn in. I could barely even turn the pedals on my bike. Also: boxers and cargo shorts. It's kind of a miracle I could even keep the bike upright.

If a Fred spends $36 for the Silca wheel weights and has his wheels balanced, will Fred Woo Hoo Hoo speed increase from 46 mph American to 64 (46+18) or 82 (46+36)? My personal Woo Hoo Hoo speed is well South of 40, I just asking.

Um, and I'm sorry, but why the fuck would any Fred worth his cred add any sort of WEIGHT to his bike?!? Add weights indeed. ReefuckingDICKulous.

Heh, best thing to prevent road wobble is to grip the bike with these here muscular thighs o'mine. Full. Stop. t's always always always smooth sailing no matter how close to Escape Velocity I fly, s'long as that top tube's held fast between my thighs. But youze guys already get it... :)

Full Disclosure: I cranked on a couple of extra wheel magnets on my carbon hoops six years ago because I was convinced, no, I was absolutely sure that even though my wheels are unsprung weight and I knew this, that there was proof in the pudding at 40+ mph. I can smugly say, as my rear wheel spins at speed on the bike stand: "Look Dude(s)(ettes)(et al)! perfectly balanced!, while others bounce and cavitate wildly. If Strava had bike-stand segments, I would rule them. Once in a Blue Moon, I remember to divert my attention away from the twisting descending road to "see" whether or not my wheels are vibrating or smooth. They are always smooth. In reality this has everything to do with the fact that they are perfectly TENSIONED. This makes an exponential difference as opposed to a difference you can't differentiate. "True" wheels are not by definition evenly tensioned. Most, probably 99% of wheels, are not perfectly tensioned; LBS: time/money/cheap customers, etc.) So while I'm absolutely positive that the placebo effect is making me faster on steep mountain descents I'm still in search of the pudding. I have found that they attract a fair amount of road grime which is no longer landing on my chain, slowing my drivetrain and loosing effective watts, so you could say that they ARE making me faster...

You want a fast bike that handles like a banshee? Find an Expert Wheelbuilder and pay his top rate PLUS a tip to tension your wheels. Take them back to him at least two more times in six months. From that point on your wheels should be bombproof, fast, and eternal. It doesn't matter if they are not top-shelf wheels. I'll take an $800 wheelset perfectly tensioned over $4000 chi-chi wheelset off the shelf 8 out of 7 days . They will last for many years if you keep them clean, nipples lubed, brake track scrubbed, etc.) AND they will be FAST, Quick-Turning, consistent on rough surfaces, etc. You will learn that it really is all about your wheels. Also, get The Best Tires you can afford. You want to be SMART as well as FAST.

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!