No idea what to do :(
Watching Someone you love, fail you

Going to try and keep this as short as possible. I am common-law married (12 years) to an (otherwise) great girl. However some bit of an issue has come up and I am at a loss for what I should do.

She recently met someone (cool), and it appears that there is a mutual liking going on there. It doesn't matter too much because if asked I would agree to her having sex with him (kinda, some conditions apply).

That's not where I have a problem, see I met this guy for all of maybe a half hour. Not very long at all, but we had a good conversation talked about cars, games, and various other stuffs. Next thing I know he's comparing himself to me by saying

Quote

At least I'm not a douche bag

That got me thinking, how in 30 minutes of decent conversation did he deduce that I am a douche bag? Obviously she has talked with him far more than I have, so it appears that information came from her. It's kind of a deal breaker to find out my wife is calling me a douche bag (or describing me as such) to people, perhaps as justification to cheat.

It's one thing to cheat on someone, it's a completely other to lie about them to strangers to justify it for yourself. What would you do in my situation (any and all advice welcomed).

There's no real way of knowing she called you that unless one of them admits it. He could of said it because he views you as a competition for her. Guys do all sorts of stupid stuff like that when women are involved; sometimes far worse.

IMO, if you have any say in the matter, say no. Any guy that lacks that kind of respect deserves nothing at best.

The competition thing is a good insight. If he is calling you a douchebag in front of her, he is trying to devalue you in her eyes. If she is giving him that view of you then you have a serious conversation with her ahead of you.

There's no real way of knowing she called you that unless one of them admits it.

I'd agree with this, but it's not the first time I have found she has done this sort of thing. In the many previous times it was confirmed by both parties.

mr_curve, on Mon Apr 09, 2012 03:06 PM, said:

He could of said it because he views you as a competition for her. Guys do all sorts of stupid stuff like that when women are involved; sometimes far worse.

I agree with this assessment. In the conversation we had when we had met there was no disrespect shown by either of us. Yet his first response to my wife (via text message) was "Don't think your boyfriend likes me". So I'm very certain I am competition to him (as much as I shouldn't be) so to be honest I am unsure how far she or he has gone to set us apart.

Edit (to add): It's however a pretty specific vernacular that troubles me. It's very common for her to call someone a "douche bag", it's also the most common descriptor of me that I get from third parties who met her first. Of course I am not, quite the opposite in fact. The specific aspect of the use of "douche bag" is what troubles me the most. Under that flag a lot of attribute information would have to have been supplied, by her.

mr_curve, on Mon Apr 09, 2012 03:06 PM, said:

IMO, if you have any say in the matter, say no. Any guy that lacks that kind of respect deserves nothing at best.

I can't agree with this more. As I wiffle and waffle over the decision I find myself repeatedly coming back to a loud resounding no.

I thank you very much for your response. It has certainly helped me in my thought process. It just feels like a real deal breaker ya know. Not even sure how I should approach the topic.

The competition thing is a good insight. If he is calling you a douchebag in front of her, he is trying to devalue you in her eyes. If she is giving him that view of you then you have a serious conversation with her ahead of you.

Indeed, it was an aspect I hadn't thought of at all. Of course it would be well within his means to simply insult me out of no where to devalue me. However that's not entirely possible without some supplied information.

Gee Pelvis, I'm so sorry that this is happening to you... It's simply not right.

I think you have to have a serious conversation with K about the subject. I realize that sometimes we can say things that may come in the wrong way, but this shouldn't go to the extent of other people thinking that you are a 'douche bag'. I swear, sometimes I have the urge to utter a stream of words about my ex-husband, but I don't for two reasons: first, because I don't want my children to hear me expressing badly about their father; and second, because I want to preserve the tenuous yet civil relationship that I have with that man.

Now, as a woman, I can tell you that anyone who tells me "At least I'm not a douche bag" as a selling point, doesn't get to go near me unless there's a bullet proof glass in between. Sorry, you prove you're not a douche bag with your behaviour and with the way you express yourself, especially when you're talking about having sex. So no, major breach of respect. Jettison and try again.

BTW Pelvis, we've talked on chat every now and then, and never ever I thought of you as a douche bag. In fact, you're the kind of guy I'd have a beer with any time, but you know that, don't you?

my question is how did he complare himself to you? you said he said " atleast im not a doucebag" are you sure he was directing that comment at you? ( just asking ) maybe he was just describing what hes not and didnt mean it towards you. Now if he did its a horse of another color, not only is he being disrespectful to you hes tryin to degrade you infront of your wife which IMO is more immature and childish then being a so called doucebag let alone hes tryin to get with your wife , what he cant find a single woman on his own? My bigger problem if i was in your shoes would be my wife especially if she is bad mouthing me to other guys shes befriending, to me it sounds like if somethin isnt going on between them already they are both working on it hes tryin to make himself look better for her then you and shes tryin to make you sound bad to make him feel sorry for her. If i were you id talk to her and most likely end the marriage, someone i call my wife shouldnt be disrespecting me behind my back especially to other guys shes talking to and texting etc.

I would definitely tell her no to having sex with him, any person that is ready to devalue you to her for his own personal gain, would not have any problems with trying to not only take advantage but even possibly try coming in between the two of u.

So, from your description and back story the common denominator is that your chick tells everyone else that you're a douche. So, why do you want to maintain this relationship? If everyone I met said my wife called me a douche, I think I would be worried far more about what's going on with her and I than what's going on with her and others.

Permission to fuck this guy or not really isn't the core of this whole deal, is it? Sounds like you've got a serious issue in your relationship and you need to work out why she is so down on you to anyone she meets. Not knowing anything about your situation or your history with her, my first thought would be give her permission to fuck whoever she wants and ditch the bitch.

So, from your description and back story the common denominator is that your chick tells everyone else that you're a douche. So, why do you want to maintain this relationship? If everyone I met said my wife called me a douche, I think I would be worried far more about what's going on with her and I than what's going on with her and others.

Permission to fuck this guy or not really isn't the core of this whole deal, is it? Sounds like you've got a serious issue in your relationship and you need to work out why she is so down on you to anyone she meets. Not knowing anything about your situation or your history with her, my first thought would be give her permission to fuck whoever she wants and ditch the bitch.

I don't know you other than what you've said here but my gut reaction is maybe she is trying to goad you. It sounds like you are a very nice man, maybe too passive? I dont know, i'm only thinking but maybe she wants you to have a strong reaction or "fight for her". Have you tried being more dominant with her? If she's doing that alot (name calling) and openly admitting it then it does sound like some wierd mind game. when she admits it does she appologize? does she say there was somehting you did that pissed her off? I honestly think it sounds like she's either a bitch (sorry i know you care about her) or she's trying to rile you up.

If someone called me a douch bag to my face I'd not take it nearly as nice as you. You just dont make casual comments like that to someone. and really, i feel bad for anyone who'd say that to my husband if i was around. I'd never stand for that. and neither would he. How did your wife react, if she was there to hear it?

I wouldn't be bothered by it. You know men are always competing and seeking to assert control over one another; let it pass right over you and don't sweat it. If it occurs again, I'd confront him about it. "What has you so convinced I'm a douchebag?"

Be firm, stand your ground, and most importantly, don't let anything anyone says phase you. You're an adult, in a 12 year common-law marriage and this asshole is just a minor bump in the road. Pardon my language, but fuck him.

I'd like to agree with this, but it's pretty difficult to just walk away from 12 years, 3 kids and all the baggage that comes with. A long time ago I would have agreed, however no I need more reason than just "she called me bad names"

Olive, on Mon Apr 09, 2012 04:42 PM, said:

Gee Pelvis, I'm so sorry that this is happening to you... It's simply not right.

I think you have to have a serious conversation with K about the subject. I realize that sometimes we can say things that may come in the wrong way, but this shouldn't go to the extent of other people thinking that you are a 'douche bag'. I swear, sometimes I have the urge to utter a stream of words about my ex-husband, but I don't for two reasons: first, because I don't want my children to hear me expressing badly about their father; and second, because I want to preserve the tenuous yet civil relationship that I have with that man.

Now, as a woman, I can tell you that anyone who tells me "At least I'm not a douche bag" as a selling point, doesn't get to go near me unless there's a bullet proof glass in between. Sorry, you prove you're not a douche bag with your behaviour and with the way you express yourself, especially when you're talking about having sex. So no, major breach of respect. Jettison and try again.

BTW Pelvis, we've talked on chat every now and then, and never ever I thought of you as a douche bag. In fact, you're the kind of guy I'd have a beer with any time, but you know that, don't you?

I talked with her about it (to some degree) last night. Her response was, "well I need somewhere to vent". About what? Why can't you talk to me about things about me that bug you? I asked her specifically what she would be complaining about, and she couldn't come up with any examples. Which means she was either complaining about something easily forgettable, or it was entire fabricated when she was complaining and didn't want to tell me. To save my feelings I suppose (too late).

I do agree with everything else. Seems to me he has proven he is indeed a douche bag. Sadly I doubt she'll see it that way.

Drognen, on Mon Apr 09, 2012 07:54 PM, said:

my question is how did he complare himself to you? you said he said " atleast im not a doucebag" are you sure he was directing that comment at you? ( just asking ) maybe he was just describing what hes not and didnt mean it towards you. Now if he did its a horse of another color, not only is he being disrespectful to you hes tryin to degrade you infront of your wife which IMO is more immature and childish then being a so called doucebag let alone hes tryin to get with your wife , what he cant find a single woman on his own? My bigger problem if i was in your shoes would be my wife especially if she is bad mouthing me to other guys shes befriending, to me it sounds like if somethin isnt going on between them already they are both working on it hes tryin to make himself look better for her then you and shes tryin to make you sound bad to make him feel sorry for her. If i were you id talk to her and most likely end the marriage, someone i call my wife shouldnt be disrespecting me behind my back especially to other guys shes talking to and texting etc.

Yes. In text message the conversation is easy to follow. The first part of their conversation was about my apparent dislike for him (good guess now mate) followed by some random bitching from my wife, then onto "well at least I am not a douche bag".

The rest of this post is strikingly close to my own thoughts on the matter.

CurvesForMiles, on Mon Apr 09, 2012 08:43 PM, said:

I would definitely tell her no to having sex with him, any person that is ready to devalue you to her for his own personal gain, would not have any problems with trying to not only take advantage but even possibly try coming in between the two of u.

I agree, it's a flat out no now. I was waffling before this thread, now you guys have at least helped set me straight in that regard.

Robbieaussie, on Mon Apr 09, 2012 09:13 PM, said:

Sounds like you deserve better than that mate. I think its very harsh of her to refer to you as such and for him to repeat it to your face.

It wasn't to my face, it was in a text message. We share each others messages all the time (I didn't snoop) so it was kind of expected I would read them eventually. It doesn't change the fact that she is speaking negatively about me behind my back. Which is reasonably off putting.

Big T, on Mon Apr 09, 2012 09:22 PM, said:

So, from your description and back story the common denominator is that your chick tells everyone else that you're a douche. So, why do you want to maintain this relationship? If everyone I met said my wife called me a douche, I think I would be worried far more about what's going on with her and I than what's going on with her and others.

Permission to fuck this guy or not really isn't the core of this whole deal, is it? Sounds like you've got a serious issue in your relationship and you need to work out why she is so down on you to anyone she meets. Not knowing anything about your situation or your history with her, my first thought would be give her permission to fuck whoever she wants and ditch the bitch.

I want to maintain the relationship because 12 years is a lot of history you can't just throw away at the drop of a hat. I'd much rather work these things out and end up stronger in the end than to just walk away to what could potentially be much worse. The grass usually only appears greener on the other side of the fence from where you are. When you get there the grass is just as green as the grass you had, or worse.

What I am trying to say is that I am not at a point where walking away is an option. A straight out conversation doesn't seem like it will remedy the situation as we've had this discussion in the past to clearly no avail. While I agree at this point if a conversation or being the nice guy isn't going to do it, but I am really confused and hurt. Not enough yet to walk out, but getting there.

tiff and jon, on Mon Apr 09, 2012 10:52 PM, said:

I don't know you other than what you've said here but my gut reaction is maybe she is trying to goad you. It sounds like you are a very nice man, maybe too passive? I dont know, i'm only thinking but maybe she wants you to have a strong reaction or "fight for her". Have you tried being more dominant with her? If she's doing that alot (name calling) and openly admitting it then it does sound like some wierd mind game. when she admits it does she appologize? does she say there was somehting you did that pissed her off? I honestly think it sounds like she's either a bitch (sorry i know you care about her) or she's trying to rile you up.

If someone called me a douch bag to my face I'd not take it nearly as nice as you. You just dont make casual comments like that to someone. and really, i feel bad for anyone who'd say that to my husband if i was around. I'd never stand for that. and neither would he. How did your wife react, if she was there to hear it?

I hope things work out for you.
~Tiff

Too passive is for sure. When needed I am willing, able and have competed appropriately for her. I don't feel at this point in our relationship I should still need to do so.

For example, I have many girl friends (not "girl friends" mind you) a few of whome I have been somewhat involved in, in the past. I am definitely interested in several of them. However I am respectful enough of my marriage that my wife is fully aware of these feelings, whom and such. Only under rare circumstances do I connect with any of them without her knowledge. Much less is there anything I would say to them that I wouldn't to her. As a final example of my openness she does have an account on this here web-page. She is aware that I post here for insights or help. She has the ability to read this (though I seriously doubt she ever will) I have no intention of hiding it.

She appears to be the opposite of this and would rather hide (or pretend there exists any) problems than face them and fix them for the betterment of both of us.

stevebruce, on Mon Apr 09, 2012 11:44 PM, said:

I wouldn't be bothered by it. You know men are always competing and seeking to assert control over one another; let it pass right over you and don't sweat it. If it occurs again, I'd confront him about it. "What has you so convinced I'm a douchebag?"

Be firm, stand your ground, and most importantly, don't let anything anyone says phase you. You're an adult, in a 12 year common-law marriage and this asshole is just a minor bump in the road. Pardon my language, but fuck him.

I am at the moment in agreement with this. I think my current plan is to watch to see how things play out a bit longer and should things go in a direction I am not happy with, I will buff up so to speak, and stand what ground I can. I have done it in the past, there is nothing that will stop me from doing so now. With a caveat being at this point I am more willing to walk away than I have been in the past.

Should things go in a direction I am not pleased with, I will be standing my ground while preparing my exit, stage left.

Olive, on Mon Apr 09, 2012 11:56 PM, said:

Pelvis' girlfriend is not a bitch...

Generally no. She's a perfectly pleasant girl. Else I wouldn't have been with her nearly this long. She isn't perfect of course, no one is (including me). I don't feel I deserve this, and don't want to stand for it anymore.

Thank you everyone for your posts. I will keep this thread actively updated with anything that comes up. Hopefully this is all just some kind of weird over thinking, worst case scenario I have a couple of exits in the wings should the need arise.

There has to be some underlying issue to cause such belligerence that needs to be addressed since you're planning on staying with her. GL, and hope you two can make some progress that helps you both find more happiness.

There has to be some underlying issue to cause such belligerence that needs to be addressed since you're planning on staying with her. GL, and hope you two can make some progress that helps you both find more happiness.

I agree there has to be some underlying issue, though at the moment it escapes me.

We have a happy and exciting sex life.
We communicate a lot about issues, patiently and respectfully.
We have been through just about everything two people can go through, both good and bad.
When asked straight up if there are any unresolved issues, she denies any exist.
etc. etc.

I haven't been unfaithful to her. I am neither abusive nor mean. I have been incredibly patient while waiting for her to grow. Beyond all of that I have been supportive of her to the bitter ends, often to our mutual disappointment.

At this point I have a "game plan" if you will, with 24 - 48 hours I should know far more than I do now. Believe me when I say should this go the wrong way, plans are already in place to end the relationship and walk away. There won't be a discussion, or a question if I should do this or that. I know I will end this relationship at the drop of a hat if I think (reasonably enough) that she is / has / or will cheat (again).

Again Pelvis, I am so sorry that this is happening... For whatever is worth, you seem to be doing everything according to the book... I am just hoping now, that everything gets resolved in the best possible way.

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Posted Tue Apr 10, 2012 09:29 PM

Pelvis G. Rodman, on Mon Apr 09, 2012 01:06 PM, said:

Going to try and keep this as short as possible. I am common-law married (12 years) to an (otherwise) great girl. However some bit of an issue has come up and I am at a loss for what I should do.

She recently met someone (cool), and it appears that there is a mutual liking going on there. It doesn't matter too much because if asked I would agree to her having sex with him (kinda, some conditions apply).

That's not where I have a problem, see I met this guy for all of maybe a half hour. Not very long at all, but we had a good conversation talked about cars, games, and various other stuffs. Next thing I know he's comparing himself to me by saying

That got me thinking, how in 30 minutes of decent conversation did he deduce that I am a douche bag? Obviously she has talked with him far more than I have, so it appears that information came from her. It's kind of a deal breaker to find out my wife is calling me a douche bag (or describing me as such) to people, perhaps as justification to cheat.

It's one thing to cheat on someone, it's a completely other to lie about them to strangers to justify it for yourself. What would you do in my situation (any and all advice welcomed).

If you want an honest answer, inspite of being with her for twelve years, the fact that you haven't tied the knot and are "cool" with her seeing other guys, that fact alone might make him consider you to be a "douchbag". Maybe you would have drawn more respect if you had insisted he offer you his mother or his wife for a little bit of oral pleasure if he expects you to allow him to stomp around on your turf.