Good set up, what with getting the mood and all. I'm interested to see how you'll tie this in with Hero Factory, so I guess I'll stop by again if you start posting more chapters. Maybe it's kind of a waste to lose Caldo so early into this, but if he was a throw-away character, then so be it.

I'm already enjoying this enough to actually post here, and that in itself means something. The dialogue exchange was excellent, as well as the systematic breakdown of Mr. Caldo's pride (and his life) throughout the conversation. The mention of information on the "heroes", while indirect, was superbly effective in gathering my interest, and I look forward to witnessing what these heroes are like.

Haven't the greatest amount of time to go into detail with school breathing down my back again, but I'd like to say I like what I see so far. You've set the tone straight out the door and I'm very much interested in seeing how you carry it through the rest of the piece.

It'll be good to follow a well put-together piece of fan-fiction again. Don't disappoint me...or else.

The way it's looking to me, this is a story set at the very beginning of Hero Factory, as a prequel of sorts to the official storyline, in a time when there are still plenty of humans about rather than all robots... and that's fantastic.

If it's just a retelling of HF with the robots as people, then that's good too.

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On 10/20/13, at 9:07 PM, Voltex wrote:> I used to be a professional assassin> Until I tried to kill Santa Claus> But he caught me> I was fired and Santa Claus has been hunting me down ever since

The first few chapters are the hardest here because of the backstory I have to establish. I tried to get most of the important bits knocked out in Chapter Two but I feel as if the pacing and dialogue may have suffered because of it.

Don't worry, though. There's more dark and gritty stuff coming - I just had to get this out of the way so the later stuff all makes sense.

Now I know that these characters are in fact human, so this may seem a little redundant... but I like how human you've made them. Duncan's referring to Preston as "dude", for example.
I'm quite interested to see where this goes. Jessica Surge (?) might be an interesting character, though out of all the rookies we've not seen much of her yet.
You're also continuing to make me curious about Ralph. Not, by any chance, Ralph Von Ness?

Edited by Chro, Jan 15 2014 - 10:31 PM.

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On 10/20/13, at 9:07 PM, Voltex wrote:> I used to be a professional assassin> Until I tried to kill Santa Claus> But he caught me> I was fired and Santa Claus has been hunting me down ever since

It's interesting, but I do agree that the pacing feels a bit off. The whole training bit in the second chapter felt a bit rushed, and while some of the characters are getting fleshed out, not all of them are recieving the same treatment. But that's a minor complain; Preston and Makuro are well done anyway. It's also interesting seeing some of the character changes you've thrown around, and I'm interested to see how jessica and natalie do with the team. Already hate William's character; you just know he's gonna be the arogant newby.

I like how you're adapting this darker story to the "official" one, can't wait to read more of it.

-Jimmy – the one in black – shook his head slowly. “Police don’t have enough to go one.

Liking what I've read so far, though it probably would've been better if I hadn't accidentally read chapter 2 before chapter 1. In any case, you're doing well in introducing the characters, though I'm guessing Jessica is an OC? I don't recognize the name.

I'm gonna try my best to keep up with this, but with school in session time's gonna be tighter.

Very interesting. I've never seen a take on hero factory quite like this. This version provides much more character in my opinion, and that's something dearly lacking in the official HF. Very well done!

Can't wait until we meet some insane, chemical spraying baddies.

Now I know that these characters are in fact human, so this may seem a little redundant... but I like how human you've made them. Duncan's referring to Preston as "dude", for example.
I'm quite interested to see where this goes. Jessica Surge (?) might be an interesting character, though out of all the rookies we've not seen much of her yet.
You're also continuing to make me curious about Ralph. Not, by any chance, Ralph Von Ness?

Maybe it's because of the long time between chapter postings, but I felt that the mystery established in the Prologue (Mr. Caldo, etc) has been sidelined in favor of boring exposition. I like the character of Jessica though - she seems to have an unknown violent side that I hope gets explored more.

Epic writing so far! Changing the genre to a "hard" sci-fi superhero story worked very well, and the Bionicle references definitely put a smile on my face. My only concern is that most of the characters' personalities haven't really been developed yet.

Surel y I can't be the only one who noticed the obvious Bionicle Time Trap reference in chapter 4... or in this post...

Very good. Making a good HF rewrite is hard (and you can take my word for it; I tried several times with no success).

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On 9/29/2014, Greg Farshtey said:

"Just wanted to say a quick something --

A lot of you guys are BIONICLE fans, many from way back. It's no secret that you are some of the smartest, most loyal, and most dedicated fans out there. You, and you alone, have carried the torch for the line over the last four years. Hopefully, you will feel rewarded for your efforts by 2015 BIONICLE.

Regardless, I wanted to take this opportunity to say that I am really proud to be associated with you, and you should be really proud of yourselves"

This is really neat so far. I spent the whole time trying to figure out how this tied into LEGO until reading William's nickname. Heh, shows how much care I've invested in HF.

That actually made it especially cool for me though, not knowing it was HF until I was already enjoying the story. Great job.

Glad to see it works outside of the main HF universe - that was exactly what I was hoping for.

Epic writing so far! Changing the genre to a "hard" sci-fi superhero story worked very well, and the Bionicle references definitely put a smile on my face. My only concern is that most of the characters' personalities haven't really been developed yet.

I try to develop character where I can - forcing it often leads to writer's block for me. I have ideas for all of the characters but I'm afraid of really force-fitting it into a story.

Chapter five is now posted. I'd like to make this more than a monthly thing, but like I mentioned, I'm afraid of forcing it.