7 Santas Who Are A-holes

Old Kris Kringle knows when you are sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good. He’s basically the NSA with reindeer.

Who the hell gave Santa the right to spy on the whole world? Why exactly is he watching us when we’re sleeping? If you ask us, it sounds kind of pervy. And who’s keeping an eye on him?

All of these questions should be discussed around the holiday season. Otherwise, we could end up with a power-drunk Santa like one of these guys.

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Santa: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Why He's an Asshole: Just seconds after Rudolph is born, Santa enters Donner's home, spots the red nose, tells Donner he better fix his kid "if he wants to make the sleigh-team someday,” sings a song at them and leaves. Later, during the reindeer games, Rudolph's prosthetic nose falls off and Santa tells Donner "you should be ashamed of yourself.” But then the blizzard comes, and Santa suddenly decides he loves the red-nosed freak now that he’s useful. How did we never notice as kids what an asshole this guy was?

Favorite Christmas Tradition: Criticizing the elves. Following the musical number "We are Santa's Elves," where the elves pledge their pride and loyalty to St. Nick, Santa gives his opinion on the song: "Hm, well, it needs work. I have to go.” And then he runs out of the room.

What He'd Leave You for Christmas: Useless misfit toys, like a train with square wheels and a squirt gun filled with jelly.

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Santa: Silent Night, Deadly Night

Why He's an Asshole: He's a psycho killer who dresses as Santa because he saw a man dressed as Santa kill his parents when he was young. You know, basically the same old classic Christmas fable.

Favorite Christmas Tradition: Murdering people, especially while they are having sex. You figure a guy who spends 364 days a year watching people would be cool with seeing some skin, but this Santa definitely wasn't.

What He'd Leave You for Christmas: Your own decapitated head, which he would cut off so nimble and quick.

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Santa: Jingle All the Way

Why He's an Asshole: He tried to rip-off Arnold Schwarzenegger, something only Jean Claude Van Damme has been able to get away with.

Favorite Christmas Tradition: Using an army of Santas to beat up the greatest action hero of all time. There’s even a three-foot ninja-Santa wielding nun-chucks who creams Arnold, easily Schwarzenegger's lowest moment (outside of that whole "being Governor" thing and that "illegitimate child with his maid" thing).

What He'd Leave You for Christmas: Broken, bootleg toys that speak another language. You know it's a bad knock-off toy when Schwarzenegger criticizes its English.

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Santa: Futurama

Why He's an Asshole: In the year 2801, the Friendly Robot Company builds the Santa Robot to determine who is naughty and who is nice, and then hands out gifts accordingly. But a programming error makes his standards way too high.

What He'd Leave You for Christmas: Death and destruction, and a very catchy little song with lyrics like “Oh, you'd better not breathe, you'd better not move/
You're better off dead, I'm telling you, dude!”

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Santa: A Christmas Story

Why He's an Asshole: This mall Santa’s “ho ho ho”-ing sounds more like a threat than a jolly greeting. And those eyes, holy Lord, he’s got a serious Charles Manson stare that would even freak out an adult. It doesn’t help that he only employs hostile, impatient elves who seem to sincerely hate children.

Favorite Christmas Tradition: Crushing the dreams of children who just want an air rifle that may or may not blind them.

What He'd Leave You For Christmas: A boot to the face, sending you spiraling down an icy slide of rejection and dashed Christmas hopes.

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Santa: Bad Santa

Why He's an Asshole: He drinks, he smokes, he steals, and he was caught having anal sex in a dressing room in the mall. There’s probably a Santa/chimney joke that goes here, but we won’t sink that low.

Favorite Christmas Tradition: Dating women with a Santa Claus fetish, which is apparently a real thing and puts Mrs. Claus in a whole new, disturbing light.

What He'd Leave You for Christmas: Most likely an STD, so steer clear of his lap at all costs.

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Santa: South Park

Why He's an Asshole: He has an ongoing feud with Jesus Christ about the meaning of Christmas. He’s also pretty lazy, having delegated much of his Christmas duties to a singing, dancing piece of shit known as Mr. Hankey.

Favorite Christmas Tradition: Drop-kicking the Son of God. On his birthday! Not cool, man. Not cool!

What He'd Leave You for Christmas: A fresh dump in your stocking. Which, to most people, would be a disappointing and troubling discovery. But in this crudely animated small town, it’s a source of genuine Christmas cheer.

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