Can I Haz Rankings? Oh Yesss!

Archive for September, 2011

Ever since we revealed existence of the portable internet in January 2010, web owners and so called SOE experts around the world have been struggling to try and understand the best ways of getting a number one in it. With more people now carrying a portable copy of the internet in their pocket or on their telephone than watching the internet on their television, portable SOE is now more important than ever.

During a recent conversation with a highly ranked member of the Google hierarchy at a top secret invitation only conference for level 12 SOE professionals, I came into some priceless informations that will blow the world of the portable internets wide open, and for the first time allow even ordinary webbers to get their own webbing onto people’s phones.

The portable Googler is getting more powerful at helping to get more webs onto miniature internets and is now thought to be able to include up to 6000 different pages on a normal hand held device:

The Portable Googler

These special techniques are immensely powerful, and can only be used safely by internet owners who have achieved a level 4 status or been ordained as a SOE ninja. Unless you have been authorised to use the metatype for this level of professional on your web, the techniques will be unfunctional:

<meta name=”soetype” content=”ninja” />

Shrinking Factor

To begin with, you must always remember that the screen on a portable internet is much smaller than on a proper one, so normal webs will not work properly. To be accepted for the portable internet, you will need to shrink your web pages. You can achieve this goal in a number of different ways, but the most easiest one is to add a meta line to your pages that tells the portable Googler to shrinkify the pages using the proper factor:

<meta name=”shrinkingfactor” content=”0.25” />

the 0.25 shrinking factor reduces the size of your webs to just 25% of their full size without interrupting the latent semantic flow of the page:

Shrinking Factors

Latent Semantic Structures

Although it is still people who will be reading your internet on go, they are different to the kind of person who uses the internets at home. All text on the portable internet requires a +4 modification to the caveatic vortex within the latent semantic eigenvector mapping structure in order to make sense. This has been written about extensively elsewhere and is a technique that all SOE professionals will be completely comfortable with applying.

Doppler Matrix Abandonment

The portable Googler uses a different polynomial distribution in its crawling subroutines to allow for the doppler matrix changes that come from it’s distributed code base. Essentially, although your portable edition contains all 6,000+ pages of the full internet, they are only updated to the latest version on a Tuesday at midnight, at which time the portable Googler will start to explore the new versions of pages and assign new ranking scores for them.

A normal web has a full matrix of informational sub structures inherent within the underlying codes, and these can be updated manually by the internet managers once an hour. Obviously this is not possible unless your portable internet is connected to the mains, and you need to reflect this in your server settings so that when the internet upload function is enabled, all pages get changed at the same time.

You can disable the standard doppler matrix of your web by setting the server permissions for your portable website to 888 rather than the normal settings. This will feed an abandonment subroutine via the main internet control room and reverse the polarity of the neutron flow instantly.

Linguistic Modification Allowances

The portable internet used on phones like the Apple or Blueberry is designed for people on the go and also people who either don’t want, or can’t afford a computer to use the internet as originally intended. Content published to the portable web needs to be passed through a mobilification process such as the Cassini-Huygens Semantic Alteration Algorithm to be legible to readers. This means changing ordinary written languages into a text friendly version, and usually requires the removal of all vowels and replacement of certain words with symbols or numeric constructs:

Content Differentiation for the portable Internet

Images

In order to make up for the linguistic modification allowances outlined above, it is important for professional webbers to add images to the portable version of their pages. The oft cited rule for images is that an image is worth a thousand words, and this is adhered to 100% by Google – with a slight modification based on their skyscraper algorithm.

The correct percentage ratio of images for a portable web page is shown in the following equation:

Portable image calculation

To calculate the correct number of images for your portable page, simply add the integer value of 7.5 times the difference in word count between your full page and your portable page divided by pi to the number of images used on your full page.

If you have exactly 200 words on your proper internet, and 50 words on your portable version, then the number of images required to make up the difference in the content differential value is 358%, which means you need 4 more images than you would normally.

For convenience on smaller devices, you should always shrink image size by the same 0.25 shrinking factor that you use for the page as a whole. this can be done using a professional image editing programme such as Microsoft Paint.

Summary

Getting your website ready for the portable internet age doesn’t need to be a challenge for SOE professionals, and can be achieved easily using the techniques above.

Pandas are the hottest trend in SOE right now, and pretty much every SOE expert has been looking at ways to get one for their sites. Sites that have been given a panda by Google are rumored to get a +5 bonus on their Pageranking, and a 0.5 addition to their relevancy score for all searches.

Google have been really secretive about how ordinary web owners can get their own panda bonus, but despite the rarity of a Google Panda, savvy webbers have managed to come up with some sure fire ways of getting one quickly.

Attracting a Panda

In the wild, pandas are said to be voracious eaters, spending up to 20 hours a day gorging on whatever snacks they can find, and Google’s robot pandas are thought to be very similar – except instead of swinging through the trees gobbling jungle chips like real pandas, they read up to 10 average size websites a minute eating words.

The Googler's Panda

Google’s pandas use a technology called a content vector to find interesting web pages. The more pages that they can find, the stronger the content vectors become, and the more the panda is attracted to the page. If you have enough pages in your web, you will be able to bait a panda and take full advantage.

Keeping a Panda

Real panda’s get bored fast, and are known as nature’s tarts because they spend so much of their time running around and getting into romantic scrapes. Google’s mechanical pandas are a bit like that, and if they get bored they have a tendency to run away and find someone else.

Once a Googling panda has arrived in your web, you need to keep it for as long as possible. The panda will only stay for as long as it has something to read, so it is really important to keep it interested. Some tests have suggested that a Googler Panda needs as much as 10,000 words a day or it gets bored and starts to cheat on you with a competitors website.

Keeping a Google Panda

Protip:

Pandas might be quite flighty creatures in real life, but according to rumours I’ve heard from deep inside the real Googleplex, each Google Panda uses military grade cognitive semantics and becomes exclusively fixated on a subject. The more similar you can make the pages in your web without making them exactly the same, the more easy it is to trap the panda inside your web and continue to get the benefit of him on your rankings.