Is masturbation a substitute for sex?

Asked Jul 31, 2009, 08:05 AM
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23 Answers

Here it goes... I have been w/ my fiancé for 2 1/2 yrs. We have been living together for a little over 1 yr. W/in the past yr (or so) we have been having, what I considered to be, sex problems. The biggest problem being his lack of interest. The passion that once existed is gone and sex has turned into somewhat of a boring routine - usually occurring when we are in bed, preparing to go to sleep. Without getting into details, my fiancé has a very active masturbation life - of course involving porn. So, here's the latest issue I'm having, which resulted in my writing on this board for opinions. We haven't had sex in 3 days. I totally understand that this doesn't mean anything major, as many couples probably go this long w/o sex. BUT, w/in these three days I would bet all the $ I have in the bank that he masturbated each of these days. I work 9-5 job and he's self employed, so this takes place while I'm out of the house at work and he has free time to himself. Is it normal that he can go 3 days w/o sex w/ me... yet masturbated each of those three days? He tells me that masturbation isn't a substitute for the real thing, but am I crazy for thinking that if he didn't "take care of himself" he would have more of a desire for the real thing w/ a real person and not internet porn? Feedback appreciated. Thanks!

I have discussed with him... many times... to the point that it just gets him very mad because it "makes him feel less like a man." What I find most problematic about the situation is not that we go 3 days w/o having sex (b/c he's tired or whatever the reason is), but that he masturbated each of those days. He says there's no connection, but I think there def is.

Personally, I am a BIG fan of self pleasure. But I also wouldn't debate the issue if someone called me an addict. I'd have sex three times in a day and still happily lay in bed next to my sleeping hubby and masturbate. For me, it doesn't replace the intimacy or the pleasure I have when I am with him. But I have never turned down sex with him either. We often can go 4-5 days without having sex, but that's his choice because he comes home tired.

So that's where I am coming from when I tell you this, passion doesn't always just happen. Especially if you are both falling into a routine when it comes to being intimate. I can certainly understand how this could not only bother you, but make you feel less secure sexually, but what are you guys doing to change the routine? There are ways of engaging him without talking about it first, many men are turned off by the idea of being confronted with their unsatisfied partner. Often it's much easier with men to just start with something little, like an advance toward them you haven't used in a while, and they jump right in.

Connection or not there are ways around him being a chronic masturbator if he won't stop.

Does this bother him enough to bring it up once in a while as well? Do you feel like you have to initiate every time you have sex? Do you feel more open to experimentation than him? There are a few different approaches you can take to this. It doesn't necessarily have to be stop masturbating because it's ruining our sex life. Mind you I said necessarily, that might wind up being the case. But if he works his own schedule and has the free time to do so, its likely that he would say he will stop and just keep right on doing it because he sees no harm in it.

Try approaching sex differently, then try talking to him about it tactfully, see what comes of it. Change can be great for sex.

There have been enough times in our past where I've initiated and he has turned me down, that at this point I don't even feel comfortable initiating because of the fear that he will turn me down again. With the situation I described above, I must admit that I was also somewhat tired. What bothers me most is not that we didn't have sex, but that I know we didn't for the past three days and I also know that he masturabted. As I described it, does it sound that he uses masturbation as a substitute for me? In your case (Chey), had you not had sex w/ your husband in 3 days, would have chosen to pleasure yourself instead of doing it w/ him - knowing that he is willing and happy to join in the act?

Would it make a difference to anyone out there that my fiancé is HIGHLY against vibrators, in the times I have mentioned wanting to get one given the difference in our sex drives? Although not as big of a deal, he's not entirely thrilled when he knows I will masturbate, in the evening when he's home, since he's not in the mood. Unlike him, I don't have the luxury of alone time throughout the day.

In your case (Chey), had you not had sex w/ your husband in 3 days, would have chosen to pleasure yourself instead of doing it w/ him - knowing that he is willing and happy to join in the act?

No way! I am way too motivated to jump him any time he would let me. We have our issues, that's one we work on sometimes.

It sounds like your issue is more that you feel rejected because he masturbates. It's an understandable worry. He may just be an addict, lots of people are. It's hard for us to link sex with our partner to masturbation because we view it differently. If he reacts like you say he does I am just assuming that he thinks about it like I do. The issue there is, it probably DOES effect him in regard to your sex life, and he just doesn't see it. One of the hardest things you will have to do is get him to contemplate that on his own. We can't make our men think like we do, and one thing I agree with the AA people about in almost any instance is that the first step to any situation that is a problem is admitting there is a problem.

You see the lack of sex as an issue, and he doesn't. I see the lack of exciting sex as a bigger issue in the long run. He needs to understand that you are starting to connect the two together and feel utterly rejected. He may laugh it off or make excuses, don't let him. Be kind but don't let him talk you down without him understanding where you are coming from and WHY you feel this way. You don't need to bring it up constantly, but if you seriously sit him down and express these feelings, and tell him flat out you expect him to listen and try to understand why you feel that way, it should start the beginning of SOMETHING helpful for the two of you.

A lot of people underestimate the value of a good sex life, be glad you aren't one of them.

Thanks for the feedback. I absolutely see the importance of a good sex life. What's bothersome is that I already see the negative affects it's having on our relationship (in general) and am worried that it will lead to bigger problems in the future. If this is what it is now, what's going to happen when we get married and have children? I just wanted some sort of reassurance that I'm not going crazy in my outlook of this situation. And as a side note, I totally think he's addicted. Unfortunately, nothing I say or do makes him realize this.

In reply to Justwantfair - he has a HUGE problem w/ vibrators. Almost like it's totally out of the question. As for the act in general, he doesn't hate that I do it, but isn't happy about it. He sulks a little, but then gets over it. As I explain to him, he has no right to get upset given his habits and his lack of desire when I want it. Sadly, though, when I do it on my own, it's not as enjoyable for me. The only time I do it (for the most part) is following a rejection by him. I'm an attractive girl and have NEVER had such a problem. This whole issue w/ him has pulled quiet a number on myself esteem.

I will probably get a lot of heat for this. But I personally do not feel that its your boyfriends business if you want to get yourself a vibrator. I didn't even know my husband had a sleeve until I accedently found it cleaning out his sock drawer. And likewise he didn't know about my toys.

You obviously get days off, watch porn together during the day ,instead of falling into bed at night.

Put something sexy on that makes you feel comfortable and relaxed, open a bottle of wine and enjoy some quality time together, let him see that you could be the person that turns him on in the porn movie, after all he is your husband.

It sounds like he's looking for something different in the sex department and maybe thinks you wouldn't partake, it's up to you to show him that your open to anything that he can imagine.

This does need to be sorted out as eventually it will drive a wedge between you.

I'm starting to feel as though I have a comeback for every suggestion (which I do appreciate), but in response to Orphan - my future hubby is a big fan of Howard Stern (whom I hate btw). If I walk into the room and there's an interview w/ a topless girl, or anything like that, he turns the channel immediately. Watching porn w/ me is out of the question - which I think I once suggested. It's as though I'm suppose to be this virginal creature.

I'm telling you right now his problem is not so much what you are asking but his problem is being SELFISH and only considering HIS OWN needs. The sex or lack thereof is only the result of his lame attitude.
You need to tell him what's good for the goose is good for the gander and if he can't satisfy you because he is SO into himself then too bad so sad.
Well not exactly in those words but stand up for yourself. You aren't allowed to make the ground rules but in essence he sure is.

What a repressed man you love. Get a vibrator and use it in front of him. He will probably get so freaked out and turned on he won't know what to do. Then tell him you'd rather have the real thing and see his jaw drop. I'm sorry but his reasons are full of it, he needs some kind of an eye opener to wake him up from his sexual slumber. Like a thump on the head.

You really only have one choice. Ultimatum. If this is a deal breaker for you (it should be) then you need to get ready to move out or toss his trash, depending on whose home it is. Everybody who's saying you should shock him and he's a selfish jerk is correct, but you need to prepare yourself in case the confrontation goes badly. If a vibrator doesn't get his attention, packed bags are certain to.

This is MY opinion, and I hope I don't offend you. He an a$$hole. He whacks off like a teenage monkey while you're at work, yet he gets upset when YOU do yourself because he's turned you down ( because he's spent for the day) .

And what do you mean :" vibrators are out of the question"? Does he tell you what you can, and can't do?

And it sounds like to me, that he is addicted to pornography. And this addiction will, like most do, get worse with time. When I first read this, I said three days? Three days is not a long time. Just wait until you've been married for five years. You'll be on here, talking about the same thing, saying " I haven't had sex in six months"...

Good luck to you. You really should seriously think about who you are going to marry. THIS guy has double standards.

In my opinion, he is being really selfish and he needs to get his act together soon. You have needs too and he should be saving his self for you... not his fingers. Maybe you could suggest to him that he should gets counseling with his addiction. If he refuses to try and make the change and seek help, then re-consider your relationship with him.