Dating again – and playing the numbers game

Our relationship expert Christine Webber helps a reader who is dating again after a divorce that happened ten months ago.

Question

I'm a divorced woman of 39. My husband and I split up ten months ago. This wasn't my choice and it's been a very difficult time. But I've had to be strong for my two daughters, who are only 5 and 9.

Various good friends have told me that it's time I got dating again. Do you think it is? Obviously, I don't want to be alone forever. But am I ready to find someone new? I am still emotionally raw about the break-up and often feel quite miserable.

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I absolutely cannot imagine feeling a magic spark for anyone. And I don't think I could cope if I did fall for someone, and then he let me down.

Can you help me?

Christine replies...

I am so sorry that your marriage has ended. This must have been an awful year for you.

On the plus side, it's clear that you have great friends: friends who want you to feel happy again and to have some fun.

But no matter how well-meaning they may well be, they can't really know what you are feeling inside. And though they may think that it's high time you got dating again, it's what you think that matters.

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When we are rejected, we feel grief-stricken. And grief is something that can hang over us for ages – causing many difficult and conflicting emotions. So, you may not feel like getting back into the dating scene for a while yet. And if you don't, you shouldn't force yourself.

At the moment, you can't imagine feeling a 'magic spark' for anyone. And you still feel vulnerable, and aware that you are not strong enough to deal with any further hurt or rejection. So, perhaps dating could be put on the back-burner for now.

However, what might well cheer you up is to work on extending your social circle, because it's probably shrunk in the last year.

Some mutual friends may have sided with your husband, even though he's the one who instigated the split. And you may also have found that some individuals you considered great mates have given you a wide berth in the past few months.

Unfortunately, many adults develop real anxiety about their own marriages when someone in their circle splits up. And this anxiety often leads to them keeping their distance. So, it could be that a few of the individuals you used to socialise with no longer seem to be 'there' for you. It's their loss! But this would be a good time to start replacing them.

Extending your circle of friends can actually be terrific fun. And the more people you know and like, the more possibilities there will be for romance at some point down the line. You'd be surprised at how often a new woman friend has a colleague or brother who might be your cup of tea!

So, how can you increase your number of contacts?

The best way is to have a think about what activities you'd like to do now you're single.

Are there hobbies or interests you never pursued while you were married because your husband didn't enjoy them? I bet there are.

Maybe you'd like to learn ballroom dancing, or ballet or tap? Perhaps you have a yen to learn a foreign language or musical instrument? What about politics? Often when we have to reshape our lives, we find that our difficult circumstances have made us more aware of injustice or social division. Getting involved in political parties, or organisations fighting for change, can be very rewarding.

Or what about amateur dramatics? Or singing in a choir?

Even if you prefer to just do something soothing with your hands, like needlework or knitting, you can still make new friends while you do it by joining a group like Knit and Natter or Stitch and Bitch. You can easily find one of their local branches via the internet.

Getting involved in new hobbies can be a recipe for huge joy and pleasure. And taking part in activities you really enjoy will help you make new friends – and may even lead to romance.

If it doesn't, I think you will know when you are ready to get up close and personal with someone new. And when that happens, you might well dabble in internet dating, which is very popular these days.

Till then, enjoy your single life. Have some fun. Grow into being the sort of person you want to be. And life will soon seem very much brighter.

The materials in this web site are in no way intended to replace the professional medical care, advice, diagnosis or treatment of a doctor. The web site does not have answers to all problems. Answers to specific problems may not apply to everyone. If you notice medical symptoms or feel ill, you should consult your doctor - for further information see our Terms and conditions.

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