yep that’s me–a beached whale

You know how we all daydream about being a bad, criminal fighting, kickboxing, super girl?

Wait, it that just me?

Well, I do daydream about it. Quite often. I loved Jennifer Garner in Alias, and James Patterson’s Lindsay Boxer is on my “if I were cool enough” list.

I love kickboxing, self defense, and I am my father’s daughter.

My dad….good ole dad. Gary, just Gary. No middle name.

Coincidentally, that’s him in the middle right there. Big guy, big heart.

I’m not quite sure how he became a worry-wart. I remember him being fairly carefree when we were little. I think my wreck (in college) didn’t help things. I just know that all of a sudden, he could spin a worst case scenario like Steven King can spin a sci-fi thriller.

Don’t get me wrong. I love him. Adore him, even.

So last week when I took the kids swimming at their place, and he called from the house, “Check those skimmers for snakes, k?”, I chuckled, and of course, I checked.

Both skimmers. Thoroughly.

The kids hopped right in, Gray playing and Ava immediately jumping into the water and kick-kick-kicking to Papa.

I love it when she kick-kick-kicks.

And being a child myself, I headed to the diving board to impress everyone. I’d like to think my dive-flip combo is entertaining, in the least.

I remember swimming under water for a while before coming up for air. Here’s where I digress….the summer I turned twelve, my family watched the movie, Jaws. You know where this is going.

I didn’t bathe for a year without worrying a shark would come through the drain and eat me alive.

And even now, as much as I love the water, I’m a bit paranoid. (didn’t help that we had to ski-daddle out of the ocean away from a shark when I was prego with Ava)

So I remember swimming around and thinking, “huh. wouldn’t it be terrible if there was a snake or something in here?”

Here’s where you’ve gotta put on your imagination goggles.

Imagine our family friend, Tiki, yelling, “SNAAAAKKKEEEE!!! GET OUT OF THE WATER…GET THE BABIES OUT OF THE WATER!”

Imagine me, cloaked in the spirit of Jennifer Garner (with less grace), grasping the side of the pool and hauling myself out so hard I scraped every single part of my front on the stucco pool surround.

Imagine me there, bleeding and idiotic, flopping up onto the side. Now imagine me spin around on said scraped belly, catapulting Gray out of the water.

Now imagine me limping as I usher him up next to the house.

Imagine me finally remember I have a daughter, scanning the water to see if she made it out. On her own? What was I thinking??

Ava’s good….crazy-paranoid-worrisome-RIGHT Dad has got her.

Imagine me (bleeding and skin stinging) standing up by the house while Tiki and Dad tag team to kill the snake.

Imagine me have a slight heart palpatation when Tiki screams as she’s hauling the snake to the woods. It wriggled. It was still dead.

False alarm.

We check the skimmers….again.

Imagine us slowly creep back into the pool, me worried about what creature will smell the blood in the water.

Imagine me watching over my shoulder the ENTIRE time we swim that afternoon.

Imagine me lose 17 years off of my life that day.

I’m sort of scared to take a bath again. Only this time I’ve got the scrapes to prove it.

*You can take your imagination goggles off now–please feel free to delete said imaginative images from your mind and share with no one. Here’s to a snake-free weekend.

26 Comments

OMG!! Shaunna that is hilarious!! Thank soo much for sharing – you made me laugh out loud! And yes it is creepy when you’re swimming with a snake in the water. I grew up swimming in the creek. There was definitely a snake from time to time. Eww, gives me the heebee-geebees (spelling?) just thinking about it!! Have a great day! : ) ~ Catie

Yikes! thanks for sharing but now I’ve got the heeby jeebies. Did I mention we once found a snake in our house? um, yep, in my son’s room (he was 3 at the time)! Thank goodness my hubby happened to walk in there first. And then lost the snake. I don’t think I slept for a week!

OMG !!A snake in the pool,, YIKES!, Those scrapes must just be so painful,, how terrifying,, what kind of snake?I think I’m traumatized as well,, This was a part funny part terrifying story,, mostly funny the way you told it,,please heal soon,, that parts not funny at all.

Your Dad is a sweetie!!!
Oh you’re funny and you know what?! I think “Jaws” affected alot of people. Seriously, my daughter and her cousin sound like you; looking around and checking and double-checking…and Im talking about the bath tub. Lol Just kidding..but they do think of it when swimming and are terrified of sharks.
Have a great day!! Hope those scratches mend quickly for you xo

OH how I love and miss you. I think you need to write a blog about our adventures as apartment roomates and the little critter we had to catch in there. Or the time we almost attacked Tell Shappley with a bat because we thought he was an intruder. We both watched way too much Alias and Buffy back then!! LOL.

Snakes are one of my worst fears though. I would have passed out and everyone would have had to drag me out too..lol. Just put your imagination goggles on for that one ;).

ok, so I just googled my name @facebook.com because my internet wasn’t working and I was trying to log on to Facebook and this link came up. haha. I am just curious as to when I was mistaken for some dangerous type of criminal? I’m sorry if at some point at Faulkner I caused anyone to be afraid to the point that they might attack me with a bat an/or a butcher knife (college = 40k a year at the time!) Hope everyone is well and enjoying life!

ok, I just realized I made two typos. First off, Faulkner wasn’t’ 40k a year at the time, though you wouldn’t know it based on our student loan payments! Second, I should of said “and/or” instead of “an/or.” Life is strange, to say the least…

Tell, you are CRACKING ME UP. What in the world….I do remember it. It was SOOO funny! Because I saw you coming in from the window….saw your shadow and was SURE you were a serial killer. Definitely walked through the house with a knife. Fun times.
🙂
shaunna

My Dad is the exact same and he’s also – a no middle name, just a letter – “w”. Maybe that’s why? Anyway, I frequently say he raised his daughters right/paranoid/hyper vigilant about all things – don’t get in your car without looking, always keep your key between your knuckles when walking alone as defense, check under you car, scan your surroundings before you walk into any place, watch where you park, etc. We also watched shark week with him from a young age and I was a competitive swimmer and days where I’d be in an empty pool, I would sometimes scare myself imagining there was a shark in there. The fact that there was actually a snake in with you is SCARY! I would have done the same! I’m glad no one was hurt.

i was 17 (1975) when Jaws came out.
before that movie, i body-surfed the pacific. often.
no fear. then Jaws came out.
and. changed. my. life.
tried body-surfing again… it doesn’t work so
well with one’s head whipping side to side,
ensuring no sharks are following.
i quit body-surfing. i hate hollywood for making Jaws.
hmpfh.

I would NEVER get back in a pool again. Of course I would have died the moment someone mentioned the snake in the water and I guess I wouldn’t have to worry about the next time I swam! hate snakes… Deb

Ha! I laughed and shivered at the same time! I HATE snakes. I rafted on the Chattahoochee and a snake fell in our raft. I lost a couple of heartbeats. Huh. HATE is not strong enough, and the babies…good grief. PTL ya’ll are ok.

Oh, Shaunna, you are so funny!! Although I do believe a snake anywhere calls for Jennifer Garner Alias super powers. :-). We have been gone so I have missed your blog for a bit (We were on vacation and then I have had my grandaughter this week). Anyway, I was just catching up on Ava’s party-so cool. I’m 50 something and I want to come!! You are a great mom with two adorable kiddos.

Shaunna…SERIOUSLY…YOU should write a book. Atleast a book of short stories!! I laughed so hard that I choked on my mid-afternoon-chocolate-pick-me-up(P-Nut M&M’s)and my cubicle neighbor ’bout killed himself trying to get out of his chair. He thought he was going to have to do the heimlich maneuver on me! Don’t worry…I’m OK…but I think my cube-neighbor has some of those scrapes that you were talking about…