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Today’s Column

Cheating isn’t the answer

I’ve been dating this really sweet guy for 18 months. He doesn’t like sex, he’s happy only doing it once a month and he won't try different positions.

I like sex and love trying different ways. My ex of seven years ago is also in a sexless marriage.

We started hooking up just for sex and it’s awesome.

But part of me feels really guilty because I’ve always been against cheaters and now I’m doing it.

I do care for this guy but I also need good sex.

Which Choice?

Neither.

You and your ex have found a mutual solution but it won’t last.

It can’t because your boyfriend will be hurt/angry/mortified and end the relationship. You’ll then want more than someone else’s husband for occasional sex.

You’ll want a committed partner in more than sex.

The realistic choices:

Tell your guy you need a more frequent and adventuresome sex life.

If he’s interested in staying together, he should try boosting his libido (e.g. reading sex manuals together for arousal, seeing a sex therapist, etc.). Or accept that you’re not a long-term match.

If nothing changes, end both relationships. It’ll free you to meet someone suited to you… and not attached.

I’ve worked for 14 years, as law clerk, office manager, and administrator in a small firm owned by a senior lawyer.

There are also two female lawyers-in-training.

I’m mostly running the office as the owner’s often in court or teaching. He trusts me with money, accounts, and office issues.

It’s been the best work environment - until a new lawyer recently joined the firm.

He’s likeable in some ways, but professionally, I hate the kid.

My boss asked how I felt about his hiring him. I was very clear.

I don’t like that he’s so disorganized, papers flying around everywhere. Files are disorganized.

The boss felt it can all be fixed, but nothing’s changed.

He gets the wrong information, and he does his own paper work that’s mostly all wrong.

He spends hours on the phone speaking in his language. Recently, I ended up with the biggest headache for two days. I have hypertension, which is easily triggered.

When I tried to explain or clarify things, he doesn’t accept it. Whenever his mistakes come to light, the boss is pretty chill about it, as long as we can rectify the errors.

The other girls and I think that because he’s from the Middle East, he doesn’t have any respect for any of us ladies.

I’ve been thinking about looking for another job. But would I find as good a boss?

I now drag myself to work. But I don’t know if the pay elsewhere would be as good, if the people elsewhere are going to be honest, nice, and friendly, whether the boss would be cool.

Scared of Change

Most people fear job changes somewhat. But to stay in a work environment you find upsetting and where you see no chance of improvement, is self-defeating.

If you wait too long to leave, you’ll be job-seeking when less confident and energized for the move.

This new lawyer appears to bother you largely because he’s young, differs from your own office-style, and has a different cultural background with attitudes you presume, but don’t know for sure.

All these feelings take away from the work environment you once loved.

Meanwhile, your understanding boss is accepting this guy as competent and worth employing.

Exit with dignity before the situation gets unbearable and explosive.

FEEDBACK Regarding the young woman whose closest friend didn’t want her to attend a party (April 6):

Reader – “This is high school drama, and if you want to grow into adulthood with control over your own life, go on this birthday trip.

“You sound like you are ready to evolve past these kinds of drama. Friends are important, but when you allow their petty feelings to overshadow your choices, you are allowing yourself to be taken emotionally hostage in their personal problems.

“If there is backlash for your choice to go on the trip, address the issue with maturity and confidence.

“Otherwise, you will be facing this type of situation again and again.”

Ellie – I agree there’s too much drama here, but her close friend says the birthday guy was “abusive” to her partner. There are already too many interconnections between them all. Best to avoid the party and end this drama.

Tip of the day:

Cheating on a low-libido boyfriend for better sex with a now married ex is a solution bound to implode.