(Closed) Getting really frustrated and not sure what to do… [long]

Since Monday SO has been really short with me and not really engaging in conversations. He’s fine when we’re around other people though. I asked him what was wrong last night and he said nothing. Then barely spoke to me at all today, even though he knew I still had my migraine (2nd day now) he didn’t ask how I was or anything. It started on the weekend.

I’ll explain our weekend: Saturday, 10am we picked up my brother to go car shopping, my brother is a mechanic. I wanted a specific car, but both the boys were against it and kept trying to talk me into other cars while at the 2nd hand dealers. Anyway, we didn’t end up buying anything, because the cars were a bit dodgey. We dropped my brother home and went home ourselves, as I was starting to get a headache and it was now 6pm. We chilled for a little bit then went to the pub for one of his mates birthdays. He hadn’t seen this group of friends for a while, so there was a LOT of reminiscing, and a lot of talk about SO’s past sexual adventures. I tried to ignore it and have a fun night anyway, I wasn’t drinking, but everyone else was, so it was quite a rowdy crowd and a lot of shit talking, including one of his “mates” offering me up for a gang bang, charming right?! I shrugged this off as well, we went and played a game of pool, but I started to notice that whenever I tried to be affectionate, he’d back away or ignore me.

Anyway, on Sunday we went car shopping again. We did find a car we liked, but it was $1500 over of my budget and the dealer wouldn’t budge on price, so we walked away, it was honestly the best car we had seen all weekend. We tried to see a few cars from private sellers, but a lot of them weren’t responding, so I was a bit annoyed because ideally, I needed a car for the week because public transport adds another hour, minimum, to my travels. After speaking with my brother, SO decides that he’ll go back to the dealer the next day, Monday as it’s slow at work, where the nice car we both liked was and he’ll put in the extra money as he’s ahead on one of his loans. I told him only to do it if he’s sure it’s affordable. He said it was ok.

SO did this on Monday. I’m studying and was on work experience on Monday, so I had to wait until Tuesday to go get the car. SO was really late home on Monday, like 10pm+ and I went to bed on Monday with a killer headache, I still had it when I woke up on Tuesday but tried to get ready for work experience/to pick up the car anyway. Huge fail, I threw up everwhere. That’s when I realised it was a migraine and I had no hope. I called in sick to my work experience and told SO I’d go later in the afternoon to pick up the car. I got the car, but forgot to check the oil in the car, SO was pissed when he called to check later and told me to check it with him on the phone. I couldn’t open the oil cap anyway and said I had planned to go to the shops to try and get something for my migraine and something light to snack on. SO said “don’t dirve the car”, I said “ok”. I was still trying to open the oil cap and said “nah, I can’t get it to open.” He then said “well if you drive it, the engine might blow up. Is it worth it going to the shops?” I said “I already agreed with you and said I wouldn’t drive it… jeez…” he said he had to go, so I said “bye” and hung up. The whole conversation was on speak phone with his workmate in the truck with him btw and I really don’t appreciate the implication that I’m stupid and would drive a car that needs oil. He came home later, around 8pm put the oil in the car but said it need more. We went to go visit our puppy, as she’s at a friend’s place because she’s on heat and we have an entire male dog at our place too. We went to a servo on the way home because SO wanted to put more oil in the car. Went home, he seemed pissed so I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing and went to bed. I thought maybe he was just tired, so I left it alone.

Usually when I’m sick, especially when I have a migraine, he’ll msg to see if I’m ok. Nothing. This was when I knew something was up. After a few texts beack and forth, he finally says that he’s feel under appreciated because I didn’t say thank you for his help with the car financially, or with the oil, and because last week I had the flu and now I have a migraine, so I’m not really in a sexy-time mood. I said he doesn’t thank me for all the housework I do, or picking up the slack when his step-brother doesn’t help out with the housework, and a bunch of other examples, I just thought we were pass that bullshit. He claims he always thanks me for the housework, he doesn’t, I don’t care. So I said ok thanks for the help with the car, but you got attitude because you went on about me blowing up the engine when I had already agreed not to drive the car. And as for the sex, I’ve been trying to be affectionate but you keep pulling away, to which he denies, so I gave him some examples and he said it wouldn’t have been intentional. I just feel like anything I do is wrong. He was annoyed that I was sick last week and now seems annoyed that I’ve got a migraine too. It’s not my fault, I can’t help it.

Bees, I’m a loss. When you’re building a life together, living in the same house, sharing money, bills, etc… Do you really need to say “thank you” for every little thing that gets done by your partner? I’ve not really spoken to him tonight purely because I just don’t know what the hell to say. I feel like if I say anything it’s going to be wrong. Eh, thanks for letting me vent.

@krayzay87: My partner wouldn’t stand for his friends discussing his past sexual life in front of me (not that they would know any details anyway) nor would he EVER allow someone to suggest gang raping me. WHAT?! I can’t even believe this.

To answer your question, yes I say thank you to my partner and appreciate everything he does for me. When you start taking people for granted, they won’t want to help you and I don’t blame them. No one likes to feel used.

@krayzay87: I do not say thank you for every little thing, but I say it rather frequently.

More than saying thank you though, is the fact he seems to be keeping a running scorecard in his head (which may or may not be accurate). You’ll never be happy in a relationship, romantic or otherwise, if you’re keepign score. If this is very new behaviour for him, i would suspect there is something else on his mind, and the score card is simply an excuse.

We say thank you for most things (even small ones). If he cooks dinner, I will thank him, and likewise he will then thank me for cleaning the dishes. It makes me feel appreciated when he thanks me for doing mundane work, so I always thank him for doind similar household chores.

I think your issues go beyond not saying thank you to each other and seem to mostly be about bad communication between both of you.

I say thank-you and so does Darling Husband but if either of us forget or don’t no one cares. More often than not we thank each other for being in our lives or for making an extra effort. If I’m sick and he does extra for me and I’m too sick to thank him there and then he wouldnt hold it against me because he knows I do the same for him etc. Sounds like a stupid fight. I would just ignore him.

Darling Husband bought me a whole car when I first moved in (before he even proposed) because he lived a fair way out and didnt want to be taking me everywhere. It was a $2000 car and he bought it outright and I really appreciated it. It was also however not a massive deal as he has a 60’s-80’s Toyota fetish and owns about 10 in various states of disrepair so I knew it was kind of for him as much as it was for me.

For the first few weeks he really behaved badly and treated me like I should owe my very soul to him and do everything in the house, answer his every whim etc. Eventually I reminded him that buying me a car didnt mean buying me and that he could bloody well sell it if thats what he expected and he quickly realised what he was doing and stopped it right off.

Maybe your SO doesnt realise it but is acting in a similar way??? Just let him know what he is doing and just because he did you a favour it doesnt mean he can act like a jerk and treat you like rubbish.

@BrandNewBride: See we don’t do that. And it honestly doesn’t bother me when I don’t get thanked for every little thing I do, but apparently it annoys him.

@MrsPanda99:When you start taking people for granted, they won’t want to help you and I don’t blame them. No one likes to feel used.

He was referring to the car as “ours” not mine, so to me it was him working on his own car, as well as mine. I wouldn’t say I’m using him. He knows I’ve been struggling to get any work lately and bust my butt around the house to try to make up for not being able to contribute financially, which was why I said to him only to contribute to the car if it was affordable to do.

@SeaSalt: Don’t get me wrong, I appreaciate him, say thanks, give him cuddles and kisses as a sign of appreciation. But this instance where I don’t say it, it’s being held against me.

@MrsWe: If you don’t appreciate him or show him you appreciate him someone else will…ijs

Thanks for that comment and mental image. Don’t really think it was needed.

I think that was your queue to say thanks and acknowledge his feelings. If you have had issues with being appreciated in the past, you should have brought it up before then. Either way, sounds like a bit of miscommunication going on.

I say thank you frequently. Darling Husband doesn’t say it very often which does bother me so I can see where your SO is coming from. I don’t want him to say it for every little thing but for things that I go out of my way to do- I appreciate a thank you. I hate being taken for granted.

@deetroitwhat: Maybe you’re both right and it’s just a bad patch of communication. Because I litterally had a melt down last week about getting rejected for jobs, and thanked him for everything and we had a really nice talk.

@marzipanda: It could be. But I’m not really sure that’s how he would react. I guess I’ll see how he is tomorrow, although I won’t see him until later in the evening because I have class.

Yep… every time I bring my husband something from the kitchen, he says thank you. If it’s dinner or something I made, he always says “Thank you for this wonderful dinner.” I also always thank him for taking out the trash and washing the dishes.

Even though you share a life, you still need to show appreciation. You can’t take the little (or big) things for granted. Value each other. Maybe he values words more than you do– and that’s okay, but you have to figure out how to best make him feel loved. If that’s just saying thank you… it’s easy!

If I were you… I’d buy him his favorite beer or make his favorite dinner and say “Sweety, I’m really sorry that you feel like I don’t appreciate you. You’re just so good to me that sometimes I forget how lucky I am. I love you, and I’m sorry. Thank you for helping with car. I really appreciate it.”

@SeaSalt: I honestly think him “keeping score” comes from supporting his father since he was 16, and he dad had lived with him for 6yrs up until this April. His dad took advantage of him, I spotted the second I met his dad. I was extremely reluctant to move in with SO because I didn’t want it to feel like I’m replacing his “bludging” father, and I’m starting to feel like that’s how he is seeing me. (Even though just last week he said he didn’t.) Which is why I bust my butt around the house to try to make sure it’s kept nice because that was always something his dad promised, but never delivered. But yeh, I think he has issues about keeping score of things from the way his dad treated him.