Science Says There’s The Perfect Age To Get Married And Everyone Else Will Die Alone

According to data taken from some nerds at the National Survey of Family Growth, there’s a very small window of time that we can get married that will decrease our chances of getting divorced. Basically, if you get married before you’re 25, you’re going to get divorced (or at least 50 percent of people will). Then, once you hit 25 and start paying your own bills and understanding what a 401(k) is, your chances go down. And they keep going down. Every year you wait to tie the knot after 25, the chances of you getting divorced decreases by 11 percent. Which is great! Wait forever. Never stop waiting.

Except don’t do that. Once you hit the dangerous age of 32 and your first wrinkle appears, guys start running away in herds. Once you’re out of your twenties and can no longer wear cat shirts ironically, your chances of getting divorced shoot back up. This is what the science-folk call your “last fuckable day” and it makes men no longer find us attractive. It’s like they can smell the impeding menopause.

So basically you have eight good years to fall in love, get him to propose, and plan the perfect Pinterest wedding to avoid arguing about who gets to keep your summer home in the Hamptons (dreaming big here).

What it all comes down to is don’t be in a rush to get engaged just so you can make all of your sisters jealous have a candle pass. Chances are those same sisters will have to help you move your paddle collection out of your ex’s house when he leaves you for his co-worker a few years down the road. But at the same time, don’t wait too long to tie a dick down. Otherwise they’ll all drift away to greener, younger, tighter pastures. Basically no matter what we do, we’re all going to die alone anyways. Whatever..

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Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.