It's ironic that the season of goodwill can also be the season of great strain, especially on relationships.

Apart from the pressure of having to be merry with people who may not inspire this emotion in you, there is the pressure of having to buy them all presents. And, as many of you know, this all too frantic festive foraging can intensify further when there are two of you doing it. It may not be possible to entirely avoid the anxieties of shared seasonal shopping, but you can to ease them.

The secret lies in matching, even melding, your approach. Our guide to doing just that draws on the knowledge of five experts. Christine Northam is a senior counsellor with Relate; Dr Dorothy Rowe is a clinical psychologist specialising in relationships; Ben Renshaw is author of the best-selling 100 Ways to a Great Relationship ; Ruth Whitehead is director of RWA, an independent financial advisory consultancy; and Nick Lord is head of money issues at the Citi zens Advice Bureau. Here is their collected wisdom.

1. See each other's take on money

Many couples never actually talk about their take on money. It is one of those conversations that can just seem too awkward, even more so as the years go by. But if one of you is indulgent and the other restrained, you are bound to clash. So find the time to discuss where you are both coming from financially. A useful opening line could be one that refers to this article. Try: 'I've just come across something about reducing the strain of getting Christmas gifts; can I tell you about it?' If the answer is a flat 'no', persist. 'It actually seems quite helpful; it just might be good for us. Let me show you.' Do your utmost to be inclusive and non-judgmental.

2. Seek a compromise

If, after your discussion, it becomes apparent that you do have different slants on spending money and, in this case, specifically Christmas money, seek a compromise. Raise the question of 'So, how shall we sort this out? I'm sure we can reach an agreement.' If you find your partner too extrava gant, suggest reining in on some gifts, being sure to emphasise that you too want to buy something really special, but at a price you feel you can afford. If you find your partner is not extravagant enough for your liking, suggest reducing your everyday expenditure in order to splurge on some gifts, this way they'll feel more confident with the perceived indulgence.

3. Identify and agree priorities

Once you have a settlement between yourselves, identify and agree your priorities. To get you going, use another opening suggestion. Try: 'Let's figure out what sort of budget we'll have and how we'll share it out.' Again, if necessary, find the common ground, with both of you giving a little. Maybe: 'I'd be happier to spend £X on your parents and mine if we were to spend somewhat less on the cousins.' Be conciliatory but also be specific.

4. Plan the task

At this point, to avoid the festive fall-out surrounding when you go shopping, and what you actually end up buying, plan the whole task. Try: 'Do you think we could come up with a date on when we head to the shops and roughly what we might want to get there?'. Having a time scale will avoid some of the organisational stress. Having a list, even if its just a guide - book for Mum, CD for Dad - will avoid some of the emotional stress. Either way, it's certainly easier to comfortably chat about these things at home on the sofa rather than in a shop surrounded by too many people and far too much Slade.

5. Resolve any disagreements

Even IF you follow these steps, there will probably still be disagreements - after all, we are dealing with the doubly volatile whammy of cash and Christmas - but all this can be resolved. First, try to understand your partner's reactions.

Bear in mind that you may not be arguing about a 'surface' problem. There could be something deeper going on. If, for instance, they say 'Just let me take care of the money, will you?', it may be that perhaps in their childhood their role model controlled all household affairs. Try to be sensitive. Next, take responsibility for your own emotions. Ask why you are so upset. Has something from your own past been stirred up by this latest row? If you do feel like you are about to lose control, take some time out. Regain your composure and your perspective and start again. Finally, be patient. Pat terns of behaviour and expectation do take time to change. So, this year's seasonal shopping may still be tense, but it will be less tense than last year,and less tense again the next.

Who knows, you may even come to enjoy, rather than endure, it. Now, if only something could be done about those queues and those carols and the fact that your father-in-law really is the most difficult man in the world to buy for...

Parental guidance

It's not just seasonal shopping with partners that can be hellish; it can be just as bad with children, not least when they nag for this, that and the other. Here are some tips on combating their yuletide pester power from Dorit Braun, chief executive of the advice site Parentlineplus.org.uk.

· Try to get out of the habit of buying something every time you go out. Pop a drink and a toy in your bag to distract younger children. For older children, explain that you don't have bottomless funds.

· Make clear that you are shopping for other people, not for them. Add that their time will come. Clarify that neither you, nor Santa, can afford everything they want.

· When you do say no, mean it, and get your partner to support you. If the item seems particularly important to them, say that you appreciate how they feel. Don't be flippant. To harden your resolve, bear in mind that this week's must-have can often be next week's has-been.

· Remember it's not a bad thing for children to learn the value of money and delayed gratification.