Best: Good Guy Alberto Del Rio Might Go The Way Of The Miz, But For Now, I’m Going To Love Him

I think Big Show is the best WWE performer of the last year.

That’s a weird thing to type, but I think I mean it. Other people have had better matches, and better promos, and they’ve moved more merchandise or whatever, but I’m going to rank Show ahead of all of them, because he’s the guy who really seems to get how wrestling is supposed to work. Look at his feud with Cody Rhodes during WrestleMania. He allowed Cody to use actual, factual WWE history to mock and deride him and never felt the need to get the last word. If Cody had used old footage to make the Rock look stupid, Rock would’ve just said YEAH AND YOU’VE GOT A TOUCAN SAM ASSHOLE or whatever and everyone would’ve laughed, and Cody would’ve gotten Rock Bottomed. Show let the tensions build and allowed Cody to be SO UNBELIEVABLY DESERVING OF A PUNCH before punching him at Mania and ending the story.

Of course, that didn’t really end the story because wrestling stories NEVER end, but it worked. When he got into it with John Laurinaitis, he once again allowed himself to look weak and vulnerable, because it made sense. He knew Cody Rhodes was right about what a joke he’d been, and when he was humiliated and fired, he sold his soul to get his job back. That led through the Cena and Sheamus feuds, where Show knew he could be dominant (because he’s a f**king giant) but never forgot that humiliation and sadness were just around the corner, so he was all YEAH I’M GONNA KNOCK YOU OUT and “oh god, don’t let this happen again” simultaneously. How great is that? A complex, layered character who can be understood by the masses as “big guy who is strong and mean but also a coward.”

That’s where we join Show now. He lost the belt in a thrown-together match featuring non-wrestling situations (having a table turned over on him to keep him from getting up), and while a normal person might go “I want a rematch!” and just knock Del Rio out in a one-on-one (because Del Rio is TERRIBLE in the clutch), Show’s brain goes ALERT, ALERT, YOU’RE AN EMBARRASSMENT AGAIN. It’s like having an eating disorder. Even when you overcome it, you’re still gonna occasionally eat a big piece of cake and see the fattest person ever when you look in the mirror. Show goes to Vince in an attempt to right the wrong without the work (because he’s in panic mode), and both Vince and his opponents know the easiest way to take him off his game of being THE BIGGEST HARDEST TO BEAT TOUGHEST PUNCHING PERSON EVER is to childishly embarrass him.

So,

Best: Globetrotter’d

All Ricardo has to do is threaten to throw water on him and Show’s all, “no, no you’d better not” from all the way across the ring. It’s not that he’s scared of Ricardo, he’s just f**king terrified of whatever’s in that bucket, because it means his doubts are validated and his true, glorious run is over for real. Ricardo motions with the bucket and Show FULL-ON FLINCHES. It’s just confetti, because The Harlem Globetrotters and of course it is, but that makes it worse. They didn’t humiliate him, like they might’ve with water … they’re just f**king with him.

So yeah, Big Show is the best character on pro wrestling TV. I hope he gets his win back over Del Rio at Royal Rumble, but I also kinda hope he doesn’t. I also want to see him get back his belt only to lose it to Ziggler on a cash-in. You know, in the same way I want to watch Don Draper cheat on his wife.

Worst: Vince McMahon < Ricardo Rodriguez

ALBERTO DEL RIAAAA!!

I do not believe for one second that the guy who told Carlito to “spic it up” when he talked is excited for a Mexican Heavyweight Champion.

Best: Holy Shit, Wade Barrett Just Pinned Randy Orton Clean

Raise your hand if you saw that finish coming. If your hand is up, you’re a f**king liar.

I guess it says something for Randy Orton’s star power that every clean loss he takes shocks me. This one was clean as a whistle, too … Wade Barrett out-wrestled him, tossed him into the post and hit his terrible Bullhammer elbow to get the pin in the middle of the ring. My only complaint (other than the Bullhammer) is that the announcers didn’t spend 15 minutes replaying it and doing Owen Voices about it, because it deserved it. It also should’ve been for the Intercontinental Championship, because Wade needs his own “I’ve beaten X Y and Z” list for any future CM Punk-stye declarations of greatness.

Also, remember when Wade called the Bullhammer “The Souvenir,” because it leaves you with something to remember him? He should have dumb sentences like that to explain all of his moves. If he’s gonna keep using a signature elbow pad he should change the Bullhammer to the “Dog Boner,” because when he’s ready to f**k you, the red comes out.

Worst: More Jokes About Eve Being A Whore, Or

Best: Eve Slapping Teddy Long In The Face

I didn’t like Eve trying to get out of a match stipulation by seducing Booker T, and I liked his pretend interest in it and laughter even less, but I LOVED Eve’s last interaction with blood rival Teddy being a slap to his stupid face, and I will watch it on loop forever.

Last week Kofi Kingston got knocked out in hilarious fashion, so this week he gets to sit at home and tweet stuff like “@JohnCena sure is good! #Raw20.” I approve of this career trajectory and hope it continues. By February we can have him standing outside during Great Khali matches, clapping his ass off.

I have never been as annoyed as I was with the steel cage match. Ric Flair was dead when the NWO smashed his head in the cage door, but Cena hops up like a Mac dock icon and wins over a guy that did pretty much everything he could to put on a good show. It was upsetting.

And I’m fully behind on both the Diva’s match and the Foley/Amrbose thing.

Always enjoy reading this, even if I suck as a full participant all the time.

Your thoughts on the Big Show are on the money, he’s been the best written character on the show for the last year maybe because he’s been one of the most consistant and his motivations have always remained clear and understandable, even if they are loathsome.

Cena should watch what Randy Orton did in that match with Barrett. You CAN lose cleanly once in a while. Unfortunately, that goes against Cena’s belief that the best thing for business is for him to be perfect and indestructible at all times. Because who needs the burden of relatability, right?

Oh, fuck you Brandon. Your sentence about giving the Funkadactyls to Cesaro has given me a marvelous vision of Antonio agreeing to give Brodus a title shot despite having so handily beating him in the past if he puts Naomi and Cameron’s contracts on the line.

They have a tightly contested PPV opener and Cesaro wins when Brodus takes his eyes off the ball resulting in Cesaro forcing crying children to dance with the Funkadactyls to his un-danceable theme music after all his matches and Brodus finally develops some sort of mean streak.

If you don’t mind my asking, why do you rant about the Rock being disrespectful to women, homosexuals, and Jerry Lawler being racist, yet you don’t mention anything about the disrespectful comments/jokes about eating disorders last night? My girlfriend has battled anorexia for almost ten years, so when Michael Cole casually calls Cody Rhodes’ mustache an “anorexic catapillar,” it becomes uncomfortable for her. Then to have JBL say that maybe it needs to visit “Dr. Shelby because it has an eating disorder,” it only further causes a normally enjoyable experience into one that isn’t. I’m not calling you out or trying to start anything. I’m just generally curious as to why it wasn’t addressed.

I think part of it is that I was bulimic for most of my adult life, and I’ve already had so many wars about food in this column thanks to Daniel Bryan’s stint as a vegan that I didn’t let it stick in my brain, as a defense mechanism against having to write about it.

1. I love that Big E is doing a McKayla face in that screencap
2. It would really be galling if Miz starts using the figure-four when Ziggler is just DYING for a legit finisher and even had the bleached-blonde hair look

A minor worst: A lot of the Raw montages were reminders of why watching Raw can seem more like a task than entertainment. There has been some amazing moments on Raw, and all they could come up with is Max Moon, Naked Mideon, DX 3.0 and Bastion MF’ong Booger?

I cried with laughing at the Rock’s “Last week you said that facing you would be like boxing with God. Well – YOU’RE NOT GOD” and Punk and Heyman literally saying what I was saying – “It took him a WEEK to come up with that?” Dear me.

I seriously think Big Show is the biggest (pun) company man in the wwe today. He’ll seriously do anything if he feels it benefits his storyline. That interview he did a month or so ago where he said something like “I’ll lose every single match if it means the story is put over as it’s intended” made me respect the man considerably more.

Anyhow, excellent stuff, Brandon. I’d never seen that Maryse slap and oh my god was not ready for that. The Katilyn part got me thinking, she could so easily become the female Cena. Whether that’s a good thing is another matter, but it’d sure be beneficial to her. And it needs to be said again that Danielle is a wordular marvel. I’m sad for not discovering her sooner.

Question that you’re probably not going to answer, but I’m going to give it a shot anyway: You grew up in Southern Virginia; was it in the Hampton Roads area? And a bonus question if you did: Were you outside that Monday that DX rolled up to the Norfolk Scope? Every time they play that clip, I get a little excited because I’m IN that clip. I’d be more excited if I knew that one of the writers I respect the most was out there that night as well.

No, I was born in Danville. We moved to North Carolina at some point during middle school, then briefly back to Danville, and I settled in high school in Lynchburg. Went to college in Salem. I wasn’t at that Raw, but I WAS at the one where Austin drove his pick-up truck into the building and parked it in the crowd.

I was seriously considering buying the Rumble, but the Rock Concert is making me seriously consider pocketing the money. We got Rock-Punk, Punk is bringing he A-game, Rocky is bringing the waste byproducts of crap. If I spend $50 to watch Rocky win the title and Cena win the Rumble, wouldn’t that make ME a cheap prostitute?

I usually don’t agree with all the Rock bashing that goes on in here, but last night was brutal. I’m not sure why WWE and the Rock insist on making Rock Concerts into a thing. They’ve never been enjoyable.

Also, not sure why, but I think the best part of the show was the initial montage of all the horrible Raw themes over the years.

The thing about the Rock Concerts is that they were originally a heel schtick. It’s an inherently obnoxious thing that for whatever goofy reason, people enjoyed so much that Rocky’s doing them as a face. It just doesn’t translate well…

Great points about Big Show, it really feels like his current performance is based on his entire career path right now and it has been a great pay off. I felt the same way about Mark Henry’s ‘Hall of Pain” run before his injury.

I also really agree about Kaitlyn, hopefully AJ will eventually get to leave crazy-diva-ville one day and re-join her as a realistic female wrestling character everyone can root for.

And I was also really hoping for an Ambrose heavy promo on Foley as soon as the Shield’s music interrupted his HOF announcement. It could obviously still happen and be built into a storyline heading into Mania, if the group even makes it to Mania as a faction.

Man i miss two weeks of wrestling and almost nothing changes. I mean yeah adr won a major championship and a title change happened, but am i incorrect in that it feels like nothing happened?

On a side note, I think everyone is being too hard on cena and the rock and not putting the blame where it belongs: the booker. Rock hasn’t wrestled full time since 2002, i’ll give him a little slack if he’s regressed in his promo skills, reading from scripts will do that. Cena, on the other hand, has to know he shouldn’t be hogging so much of the show, but ultimately he answers to higher powers. Think of hogan and tripps, they had creative control and basically ruined thier credability.

Would it be sinking to Rock’s level to vocally remind everyone that Rocky had what was essentially breast reduction surgery during the Attitude Era and should under no circumstances be ridiculing anyone for having man bosoms, or would that be justified given Rock’s taunts to Heyman?

If they’re going to make Cena superhuman in the ring, it would really make his character better to have weaknesses outside of it. There’s an obvious one staring them right in the face, too: John Cena is bad with women. He’s divorced, he drove away A.J., he royally screwed up the Ryder and Eve relationship. It’s a flaw that makes him infinitely more relatable to adults, 10 year old boys think girls are disgusting anyway and won’t care if their hero is bad at relationships, and they don’t have to change his character in any way to make it a thing.

Also, no love for my recasting of The Great Gatsby with Eve and Alex? *sniffle* Now I don’t believe in nothing no more. I’m going to law school!

All the Alex* and Eve relationship comments were great, but I think the fact that they are mostly based on something dumb I wrote on a one page B&W of RAW, (live from Las Vegas), report I gave to Brandon a year ago AND NOT a comment based on the action going on in the ring, hurt its chances of being in the Top 10.

Brandon, I enjoyed the write up as always, but I was talking with a friend of mine about the show, and said “I loved the parts of the show I always love, and I hated the parts I always hate.” I realized that there is really never going to be a change in the way WWE is presented. There is always going to be part of it that we hate, and it won’t even go away when Vince finally retires. The culture of wrestling is similar to many sports cultures, we just see it more frequently in wrestling because men and women interact more often during wrestling than in most other sports. Companies like ACW and Chikara have done great things in the U.S. to promote gender equality in wrestling, but wrestling has always had a reflection of the current culture in it, and until the culture changes in general, wrestling won’t change.

I think all media is a reflection of the current culture, but media also has power over culture. It’s a two way relationship. We are shaped by media as much as we shape it. As you said yourself, Chikara and ACW are promoting gender equality, which helps to create a culture of gender equality among fans.

There’ll always be parts we hate, always someone getting buried and bad storytellling somewhere on the show, but I think the WWE’s problems with sexism, racism and general bullying can be changed by viewers, and if the WWE provides a good example in those areas, it’ll change other viewers opinions too.

Part of me ( most of me ) is glad last night didn’t turn into a Legends Reunion, a la Raw1000, but the idea of bringing in ‘Taker or SCSA holds weight and would’ve made sense, and most likely wouldn’t have been done so for lame comedic purposes. Even Raw1000, with all of its nostalgia spots, gave us the seed for an important story line (not to mention my favorite spot of 2012). It was goofy throughout, but ended in spectacular fashion.

This show? It had the feel that it was hastily produced, because someone backstage remembered 3 weeks ago that a milestone was on the horizon.

If no one minds a small tinge of negativity, the Miz is going to hit the Hard Camera Finale on Cesaro at Wrestlemania, isn’t he? And there’s going to be two months of xenophobia leading up to it, right? God I hope I’m wrong.

Miz will probably win the US title, but like I was saying at the start of his aborted feud with Ryback, that’s a good thing for Cesaro ultimately. The day he drops the title is the day his rise to the top begins. After Wrestlemania makes sense, since his ascension would get swallowed up by the bigger name feuds. But I’m calling him winning one of the Money in the Bank matches now.

I think you are right about that. I’d kill for a Cesaro/Barrett MitB sweep, assuming they keep doing two of them. I’m sure it’s just my dual hatred of Miz and blind patriotism making me completely irrational.

I’d like to combine both of your comments to say that I would like to give a vegan milkshake to Danielle.

I would also like to say that I have an awfully gross and out-of-line sense of humor and that what I’m really getting at is that Danielle’s physical attractiveness is only rivaled by her brain attractiveness and that she as a human being is providing a positive impact on this planet we call Earth. Bravo, D.

WWE Studios is proud to present its newest film, and its first Spanish-language release: Nueve Vidas Por Amor (Nine Lives For Love)

In this action-comedy, Alberto Del Rio stars as Alex*, the cat who’s got it all: a tie, his best amigo Shabbydude the wisecracking can of spaghettios with a novelty Fish Assholes label, (Ricardo Rodrigues) and the love of his life, the sexy senorita Eve Torres, as herself.

Now the only way for Alex* to win back his love is to embark on the adventure of a lifetime. Luckily, he’ll have help. Not just his amigo Shabbydude, but also his lucha libre senseii Juan Burrito, (George Lopez) and a special guest appearance by HHH, who inspires Alex* to know that while he’ll never be as cool, or smart, or funny, or tough as The Game himself, he’s still got what it takes to beat Malo.

It’s the movie you “gato si”! Coming soon to one theater in the middle of nowhere, and then WalMarts everywhere!

“…a few things stuck with me: I will probably always see myself as being more overweight than I actually am, being smarter than someone makes them feel uncomfortable, and boys who loved the Attitude Era kept me from coming back to wrestling for longer than I should have allowed them to.” Amen sister. I achieved my best body at 30, but you never stop seeing that overweight kid in the mirror. You act less smart than you actually are in order to fit in (because eww, who likes “a brain?”). I was a WCW fan at the inception of the Attitude Era so I missed a lot of the crap at that time, but all my guy friends were into WWE where Stone Cold was the man and The Rock was a god. Unfortunately that time has been wrapped up and snugly tucked into a nostalgia blanket so securely that most are remembering a time that never existed.

I called him Brendan, he called me Tony Randall. It was a thing we had.

And may I say that I always liked brains? The prime crush of my high school years was on the chess team.

Does it make me a strange wrestling fan that I didn’t start watching until I was 19 years old? I was curious about it as a kid, but my parents forbid me to watch it, because they thought it was stupid, and so I started basically as a “Haha you can’t tell me what to do anymore” kind of thing.

It was the summer of 2000, which was arguably the peak of WWF, (Lasting until WM 17) and I was hooked. I don’t really know why I watch anymore. There are moments of brilliance, like Punk’s promo last week, but if I ask myself if wrestling is something I’d want my daughter to watch when she’s older, (She’s 4) I’d say no.

The Rock is still in my nostalgia blanket, even though what he says is indefensible. I wrote a long comment last night about how we should at least appreciate his talents while he’s here, because only Punk is better at being a WWE main event superstar right now. His awfulness is a symptom, and not the cause of wrestling’s many problems with things like homophobia and misogyny. Could he help change it? Yes. Is it human instinct to take the easy way out? Also yes. So I can’t blame anyone for hating the Rock, but I also hope that the people who do understand that liking the Rock is not necessarily synonymous with supporting what the bad parts of his act represent.

Thanks, Heather. I really appreciate it! I feel like if more people understood what it was actually like for some people to go through the same kinds of things, they wouldn’t be so quick to dismiss it as reactionary feminist/pessimist wank.

Shabbydude, I don’t think it makes you weird that you didn’t start watching until you were 19. I watched since I was 5, stopped at 12-13, then picked it up again when ECW was on at 1:00 am (summer of 1995…I was 14). What really hooked me was Chris Benoit on Nitro in the Fall of 1995. I didn’t tune back into WWE until 1999 when he moved over. What’s weird is that I’m this encyclopedia of professional wrestling, but that goes over really well with my friends, which is why I love them.

Side note: I also learned to appreciate my intelligence, and met a wonderful guy (and wonderful friends) that appreciate that too :-) There is hope in this world!

I don’t hate The Rock. I believe him to be entertaining (and yes I laughed at “not the expensive kind”), although lately he’s a bit bland. I remember my friends talking about girls and wanting a slice of their “poontag pie”, or offer up their “strudel” or whatever. If a girl wasn’t interested in them “they could suck it.” Stone Cold was the ideal anti-authority figure (good luck giving your boss the middle finger in real life kids). Ugh, teenagers…

I realize I’m in the minority, but I was never a huge Stone Cold fan or Rock fan. I liked them, but I wasn’t buying their merchandise. I was a Benoit fan. I became a Batista fan in 2002 (hell, he’s good looking) but the next guy to really make me lose my collective sh*t was Bryan Danielson (and Wade Barrett, see comment below). I didn’t know about him until NXT, but the first night I saw that guy I hit up YouTube and found everything I could on him. He’s a treat EVERY TIME I see him in whatever manner he’s presented. I’m just happy he’s on my television.

While the IWC goes on and on about their hatred of John Cena and The Rock, if it really bothers me that much, I’ll just change the channel.

Sheamless is the type of lad you see hanging around Dublin, shouting drunk crap obnoxiously in the pub being a hindrance to all, talking in a clear “laying it on thick” accent and getting called up for his shit but TAKING OFFENSE and acting like a victim who needs to get retribution. I see it everyday. You have no idea how right you are Brandon about him being an asshole, even if its just a character. But hey “we’re Oirish, we’re great”.

In other mainstream crossover news: a New England Patriot german suplexed a tailback on the opposing team and the announcer said he’d make a good “wrestler”. That should have been frontpage WithLeather news!

I said “whole lot of handsome,” not all of the handsome in WWE. Barrett’s a good-lookin’ dude, along the lines of a larger Hugh Jackman. You’re spot on, though, with Cody taking the top spot, with one of Berto or the Zig-Zag man right behind him.

The beard is definitely a good look for Wade, but on the whole I find him too lupine to be handsome. Even without the beard, dude just kind of looks like a wolf. I’m sure that works for some people, though.

What about less obvious guys? Kofi Kingston looks pretty good in a suit with his dreads tied up. I’ve even thought Big Show has had his handsome moments.

There certainly was a “whole lot of handsome” going on there… but I was a Barrett fan from Season 1 NXT. I thought “wow, he’s good look… wait, HE’S ENGLISH TOO!” (I’m a sucker for an accent and automatically upgraded him, lol). I didn’t think I’d like the beard, but that lasted all of two seconds. I guess the wolf thing works for me, haha, too bad I never got into Twilight…

I would rank Del Rio just above Cody Rhodes, simply because of the swagger factor. Cody is handsome by genetic mistake, Del Rio has a cultivated look. I also think Brad Maddox is so freakin adorable and Ambrose is very handsome as well (again, a guy with oodles swagger).

Gahhh, please, everyone, stop defending Vickie Guerrero and plus Rhodsing comments like the one in best of. She cut weight, what, like four or five years after that asshole died? Also, those ribs aren’t meant for grown ass men like the commentators here. It’s for kids and there immature minds. She’s paid to be a gnarly, snaggletooth bitch, and she probably gives two wanks about people writing essays about how she’s treated in the company and slut shaming and all that jazz. Give it a rest. Yes, she’s fat. Probably medically obese. Certainly not the fattest, but that’s her gimmick. Get over it and watch the wrestling portion!

Great stuff. The Rock as a character is unfortunate because Dwayne Johnson the person is a very nice guy. I think he’s just so caught up in the pathos of what has worked for the WWE audience that he becomes part of the problem. This is not a defense, it’s a lamentation.

This is only my second time reading this blog and I am now convinced of one thing; the writer is apparently a racist. Why does he absolutely loathe anything that a person of color (black, in particular) does? Unless something embarrassing or bad happens to them (i.e. Kofi getting knocked out quickly by Big Show or Teddy Long getting slapped), their segments are the worst ever in his opinion. JUST STOP IT! I understand the Rock may not be your favorite, or you’re tired of his character, but how about some positives once in a while. It’s pretty sickening. Kofi has talent and is misused, whether you want to admit it or not. Teddy, no matter how much of a sellout he may appear to be, has paid his dues in the industry and deserves respect; as does Booker. I could go on, but for the sake of coming off similar to your weekly posts, I’ll stop. Hating is a curable disease.

No, actually..that’s what YOU just said. The verbiage I used was “appears to be”…*as JP gently puts his kettle back down*. And no…not helping at all. Just reaffirming. Know the true definition of an Uncle Tom before making your assertions and assumptions; not what liberal media portrays an Uncle Tom to be.

Great write-up for a mediocre anniversary episode at best. I felt like I was watch the season 2 finale of ST:TNG where Riker has a clip show while “dying.” And not because I totally watched that episode the day before RAW or anything.

I want to thank you (and Fembot!) for continuing to try to have a discussion about why homophobia, misogyny and fat-shaming (among other things) is not something we should just “put up with” because “it’s always been that way” and the only solution is to “stop watching” or “get over it because it’s never going to change.” That’s always preferable to having an articulate conversation about issues in society being mirrored in scripted shows on tv. It’s a good thing us women folk (among others) just put up with being considered second class citizens and didn’t voice our opinions over that pesky right to vote. I mean, that would have just been ridiculous.

Brandon, I don’t know if you watch WWE Main Event, but Antonio Cesaro has managed to come to the ring waving an American flag while wearing American flag trunks AND GET BOOED FOR IT. He is simply the best heel ever.