A scientist who specialises in aquatic mammal research has discovered that 'prune-like' human fingers 'almost certainly evolved' to better provide hand relief to dolphins.

Dr Gert Schneider tested his theory on a wide-range of near-water animals, including a hippo, three otters and a lifeguard called Martin. Of all the creatures Schneider got to grips with, the dolphin 'appeared to be the most grateful'.

Schneider suggested his experiment explains the affinity between humans and the tuna-breathed show-offs, and why they always appear to be smiling. "The grip provided by a pruned fist is a natural match for a slick porpoise penis", insisted Schneider. "It's the perfect symbiosis, if you look at all the data I've collected. We developed wrinkly fingers, and in turn they evolved those saucy little blow holes."

I remember a court case about 20 years ago when a Mr Alan Cooper was cleared of molesting a dolphin , apparently he was just holding on to the penis as it was a handy appendage, I guess kind of like bestial water skiing.

For those looking for some fun off the North East coast, the Dolphins name was Freddie.