She was elusive. She was today. She was tomorrow.

Month: November 2015

1. Find a family, loving ones will do. Those who will see the good in you, stay with you for who you are. Always patient and unconditional, kind and accepting.
2. A stable income, good decent living filled with hope and meaning. Mostly, independence with morals.
3. Less expenses, more stars, dreams, beaches and long memories.
4. A heart consistent in doing good, being kind and forgiving.
5. Being around laughter and nature. More sun exposure and movement, ie. Traveling, creating, etc.
6. Taking full responsibility for my life. Letting go of what is not meant for me, smiling at past pains and present challenges.
7. Helping others who need kindness, hope and goodness. Sharing parts and pieces of me to new persons.
8. Surrounding myself to more art, humanity, productivity and humor.
9. Upholding whatever means the most in my life, setting priorities, finishing things.
10. Giving myself time, boundaries to grow and become better each day.
A

i went to the town of Jioufen in the mid-afternoon of november, climbed uphill into the steep steps and prayed to the temple close by.
an old Japanese man spoke to me as the guides kept warning about being careful, going down..
*** *** ***
such lovely, quaint town of birds and wildflowers, of bustling trade and crowded buyers- in the midst of narrow streets, bright-landscapes, teeming smells and noises;
I hear a soft tune of melody from one of the mystical stores
inside my heart it knows,_ of mountain peaks, ghost-led towns and winding paths11.21.2015
11.21.2015

I graduated 2014 from a good uni in PH, after two-and-a-half years in a Liberal Arts course. It took me ample time to finish what I started, yet the first year was a road of hell which involves workload beyond all-nighters. Literally, sleep took no mercy.

Then and there, I had several internships I missed due to revoked chances, or some haphazard situation like school schedules. I undid myself from those opportunities due to some serendipitous uncalled for, incidents.

That was around the years 2011 to 2012, some pretty turbulent happenings which involves me traveling abroad constantly, finishing my started course, receiving internships but missing them, and applying to more internships but getting declined.

So 2013 came and I found myself strangely uninhibited and free as blank paper. I enrolled in creative writing courses, for the sake of loving writing since high school. I got good feedback and grades to my surprise.

That year, I also lost twenty pounds from doing Muay Thai, swimming lagoons in El Nido, and constantly running at the gym on my spare time from classes.

It was a good year for me since I was blogging at my previous blog, going to indie movies alone, taking my time with my few classes, enjoying my last free year in school before heading to the real world.

As I was getting As, darkness had fallen into my home as my mum was constantly berating me for staying in school, not doing much work at home. Mostly she dislikes my free time not doing anything apart from my school work.

I went on anyways, the usual school routines and going to fashion week with my friend or having beer with her. I told myself I was going to enjoy school at 21 years old since it will be the last time I were to be a student.

Walking in our college campus, around trees and fresh air, participating actively in my classes were the few things a student may have taken for granted. The least I could do is to appreciate whatever the time was left for me to be a student.

By second semester, we had our graduation pics taken, and I did my second thesis in college for creative writing. Shifting from two other courses was not what I had planned from the start, thus my years in undergrad were fast yet arduous enough to have nights that were long. Yet never had I discovered so many things about myself.

Bittersweet it was to be in a sheltered home, in my case, that was school. I was dorming for two years ’til sophomore year, then taking the trains in my junior year since my mom told me to.

I literally had a huge fall in the run of October, where I missed a good wedding invite from my old tour friends in Taiwan. Thus, I had to continue with school work despite the broken pieces. Those times made me overlook myself, my friends and those around me.

Since tension increased at home with my mom and her emotional issues, I started to lock myself in my room unconsciously, leaning towards saving my sanity and peace. Missing family dinners and other things, I kept on with my school work in my tiny space called home.

Ambiguity rose when my so-called second parents, left me alone when I had the incident. Got broken in physical shape and mental state, I continued on with school work, as I was graduating the next year.

Christmas came and we went to have snow in Korea. It was beautiful and warm, I even waved hello to the soldiers as they waved back. We road a sled track which led us marvel the serene landscape mixed with ocean blue scenery. We also had ski times and thankfully, I got no accidents.

By March, graduation came. I happily screamed inside during the last day I finished school officially. One of my friends congratulated me even before the ceremony itself. The other of my friend told me to “never give up” on my job search.

My parents came to my grad, yet they have no emotions or congratulatory remarks whatsoever on me. The least I received was a letter from my family. After which, I immediately turned to work applications and going on interviews.

My first one came in April at a pranic healing institute, which told me to take yoga classes to further make the editorial work on front. Sadly, the manager on my second visit, told me I was too “creative” for the position. So, I left.

There was a sufficient amount of time of lazing around in between attending interviews in publishing, missing other job opportunities here and there, to actually doing nothing for months apart from getting side tracked with anime, room locking, head screaming and occasional meetups with college friends.

During those times, I felt the worst and further inaccomplished since I failed to attend the many offers that I should have attempted to go for interview.

Since my fall on October of the previous year, before supposedly graduating, and as promised, moving abroad, I got abandoned with my second parents. Thus, in hopes of still migrating, my parents decided to send me to Taiwan.

By the end of 2014, as worse the year already were with my boundless anxiety and worried state, I left the country. Spent Christmas in a cruise ship, went to Penang and came home. Left again for Taiwan, spent two months to job search, with me crying without money AF. Then came home.

I was accepted to two jobs, with me finishing only one, since despite liking the people at the other work, I fell ill and could not adapt to the faulty living conditions and 12 hour work scheme. It was more than any simple job requirement since you have to work even after work hours.

That said, despite falling ill and not getting used to their culture, such as food, I thanked my boss for her kindness and moved on to go back home last August.

As much as I dread going home after my five month adventure at a foreign country alone, I need to face my reality. I still wish I could find a family, as my two month job experience in Taiwan felt heartening with its kind people, treating me hospitably like family.

As I am not used to acclimatize or adapt very well in living to a foreign country, I just had to go back home to my roots. Living in a small town, I hardly go out due to introversion and lack of money.

Now, this November, I have to move fast and plan where I am going next.

This 2014 and 2015 years of postgrad is indeed pressuring and blissfully, terribly fast. It feels like you are on your own and being 22 and 23, there is not much to say but hope.

Like a beautiful tear drop, everything falls and disappears. Leaves, as something ephemeral and melancholy, change their colors by its season. Age makes one gracious and fair, more intelligent, full of wise counsel. Nothing earthly is assured, for all things have their timing.

I once read from this quote:

True happiness comes from a deep sense of confidence that your life is your own and that you can be happy without the need to comply with other people’s standards.

In so far, society has a pocketful of ideals and comparisons to lure the everyday person– from expectations of beauty, status, career, wealth, events and other worldly occupations. Many are left bewildered which product to choose, media to follow, advise to adhere on.

The inner self is often overlooked. The mass populace always gives illusions on whatever goes on outside in society. Few recognize their self-worth, looking to others for approval and distinction. Most attach themselves to people, thinking it will gain them more confidence.

What does it mean when you are lost? It means, you can only find values within yourself. It means, you are searching towards something. It means, you stand by your side and walk this path to your own living. In correspondence to your well-being, spirituality, emotional health and perhaps, financial independence.

Looking inwards is a difficult task. At one point in life one can find himself on a crossroad, where he has to make either the worst or the biggest decision of his life to carry on. Yes, he is alone. And yes, there will be many more trials in navigating what is to come. But as one looks on, travels the road and finds success while maintaining one’s values, one’s journey, then won’t it become an interesting, truly beautiful path?

In this world of pain and sorrow, it is difficult to uphold a certain form of discipline in one’s character, thoughts and actions. Many fight with the intention to uphold one’s pride. A number looks on, hoping to become respected.

As circumstances good or bad, come and go, leaves us in pieces or rather, change us, what matters in the end is how we react on our nature. Time has passed and left us with scars, more maturity, wisdom and integrity.

For all the bad, please look into the good. You are not your circumstances. Mostly, you are not where you are from, or where you are born. It doesn’t matter. As long as you have values, you will go far. Abandon the doubts and self-pity, walk this life with all strength and might. See how your character and the good you uphold each day will make you far. Do not lean on the past. Smile, live in the present and have faith in all good things yet to come.

As the year ends
Flood sorrows in diamonds
Seas roar and tumble.
Misery in gulfs and storms,
Peace waded under rocks
Skies eloquent and mine
Gray, limpid beds
Of turmoil, water flowers
Those kinds;
Many are left home ashore