"Things fall apart, the center cannot hold" -W. B. Yeats

Tag Archives: self-doubt

Hi everyone. Again, sorry about a nearly month-long hiatus. Soon after posting “Waking Up Happy”, I started dealing with some pretty bad depression (the worst I’ve had in a long time), actually skipping work because I felt so bad. Though I have been feeling better for about a week, I’ve been preparing for the so-called next chapter of my life: college.

Other than excuses, I have some pretty significant changes I’ve experienced in the past month or so. After over a year of enduring depression, my parents-well, mostly my mother-caved and agreed to take me to a psychiatrist before I go to college. I was exceedingly anxious prior to visiting the doctor, knowing that I usually cry when discussing this topic. And, of course, I did cry when he asked me to start describing how I had been feeling. We discussed the symptoms of depression, how depression affects the body, and how antidepressants can help.

I was relieved when he told me he certainly believed I had depression; I had been clobbered with self-doubt, wondering if maybe I wasn’t really depressed and was just going through a rough patch in my life. But depression is a real illness, which can be treated just like any other disease. When we started discussing antidepressants, my mom related her worries, and pointed out that, based on the symptoms he had described, most of the people she knew could be depressed.

He then related the most important symptom of depression: the disease affects one’s life and prevents one from functioning as they would without the depression. Though she claimed she did not see it interfering with my life, I reminded-or rather confessed-I had skipped work and school because of how I felt. The psychiatrist also stated I had been trying to solve the issue through other means, particularly therapy. Though I feel therapy helps me tremendously, I seem to have reached an impasse and can no longer progress forward in healing.

Soon after, I was prescribed some antidepressants, and have been taking them ever since. It’s been about a week now. In the past week I’ve had trouble sleeping, but I’ve started to fall back into my pattern, and last night got 7 whole hours of sleep.

I’m also looking forward to college more than I have thus far. Prior to this week, I’ve been terrified to embark on my college adventures, to the point where I was dreading my departure date. For some reason-maybe after talking with my roommate, feeling less depressed, rediscovering my love for biology, or a combination of the three-I’ve become obsessed with going to college. It’s one of the first things I think about when I wake up and the last thing on my mind before I fall asleep. I’m done with paint crew, my summer job, and just want to get back to academic work.

I’d like to share a couple songs that have helped me through times of doubt. Whenever I’m upset or stressed or afraid of failure, this songs help me to keep pushing forward.

This first song, “Determinate”, yes, is from the Disney channel movie “Lemonade Mouth”. Not a fan of the movie, but this song is one of my favorite songs to work out to. I think this year for soccer, when we do our timed 2 mile run, this is going to be my last song on my playlist, sort of as a “hurry up you’re almost out of time” warning. It just puts me in a good move, and I’ll probably be dancing to it as I run.

Second is “The Middle” by Jimmy Eat World. No lie my sister and I discovered this song playing guitar hero for the DS. But it makes me remember that, even if I’m not where I want to be now, work is in progress. It doesn’t matter what other people think or say as long as I’m working toward my goals and making myself happy.

Last is probably the most important song of the trio, “Drive” by Incubus. Again, funny story about how I discovered the song…I was watching Kendall Schmidt’s covers on YouTube and he did this song. This is especially imperative to overcoming my self-doubt and fear of failure. I could not be positive and optimistic without the aid of this song. I don’t know how else to express how beloved this song is to me.