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Monday, January 14, 2013

Kim Jong Un's Thank-You Note to Google's Eric Schmidt (spoof)

Following the Google Chairman’s visit to North Korea, which concluded last Thursday.

Dearest Kindred Overlord,

Such a pleasure! Never in Righteous History was there a more considerate houseguest. (Americans do have a rep for being sorta rude, especially when indefinitely detained.)

I admit it. Before you arrived in Pyongyang, I was feeling kind of lonely. Like a member of Google Plus. But oh, Supreme Commander of the Search Monopoly, the minute you arrived I Felt Lucky. Granted, I was holding three royal flushes at the time. But truly you are like a Big Brother to me. Heck, you launch products; we launch rockets; but we both piss off governments. And hate Facebook.

And how similar our rational world views! Be sure to spread word of my 19 holes-in-one, as I will about the “Skype-crushing potential” of Google Hangout.

Alright, as with most houseguests, your visit started out a tad awkward. Really, I had planned to take down the Death-to-Sworn-Enemy-U.S.A. banners. But how kind you were to break the tension with your favorite joke. “Privacy.” A classic! (And my buddies are still reeling from “don’t be evil,” with your adorable air quotes gesture.)

Thanks for folding the hand towels. And for your guidance re: monitoring every act of millions of civilians, while building a global rep for anti-trust. But remind me: where/when can I get my paws on them cool Google glasses thingies?

Oh, before I forget, I’d like to place an order for two million self-driving cars. They’d be perfect for my fake city without people! (Related thought: what’s scarier, the DMZ or the DMV?)

And the Android house gift—love it! Still, I’m starting to think a mobile network might work better with multiple phones. Must be the wine talking. (Note to Committee: investigate what it’s saying.)

Only one gripe: now that you’ve shown me YouTube, I can’t get that damn song out of my head. “Da da da…Gangnam Style,” lolz. But c’mon, a Korean racking up a billion hits? I could just introduce you to my chief of secret police!

His name is Todd.

Finally, thanks for reassuring me I’m not too young to run a regime. I hadn’t realized the Glorious Founding Overlords of half the world’s technology are still in puberty.

And so I declare: from now on, all North Koreans shall have Internet! And forever they shall enjoy the same right as all Westerners, to obsessively Google themselves—or in this case, me. (Which is healthier?)

Oh, and don’t listen to the press, who call your visit a reckless stunt. We both know the truth: the press is dead. Only in your country, they’re dying a slower death.

Long Live Technology! Long Live the Doodle! Long Live the Cult of Personality!