The Inquisitive Blogger 30/31: Why Can't We Be Friends?

Like the song says, sometimes we just need a little help from our friends, in our games or outside of them. The video-gaming world can be a big and lonely one. What makes it better than a few friends to help along the way. They can make our day with a good word, a friendly smile, or lending a helpful ear. I’ve had the pleasure of doing a great joint blog with a few GI friends lately and find this fact truer than ever. (You can check it out here. Everyone’s made it pretty ridiculously fun, if I do say so.) Some rainbow colored equines claim that friendship is magic, so why not spread that magic to our game worlds?

We all have our favorite heroes, but what if they're games crossed over? Forget about licensing, corporate red tape, and a blatant disrespect for series canon. These game characters need our help. It's my pleasure to take up the mantle of match-maker for this 2nd to last entry of the Inquisitive Blogger and at last unite the cast of heroes who matter most to us gamers. Let's be friends everybody!

Link (Windwaker) and War (Darksiders)

Yes, at first glance, these two fine gentlemen share zero in common. Once you look closer beneath the green tights and dark-cloaked muscle-mass, there's a heart and soul that share more than you'd know. War is a violent horsemen of the Apocalypse driven to destruction and resourceful Link is the Hero of the Winds, chose to overthrow Ganon, a guy that kinda is as sadistic as War. Both these dudes, however are following their destinies and share the same, tragic future. Link and War are both doomed to be celibate: Link can't even talk to a girl and War's not the kind of profile you want to have on any mortal dating site. Plus they both kick-ass across dungeons and terrific boss fights galore. Why wouldn't it be more advantageous for these awesome figures to be taking out kings of evil of either realms side by side? They both seek balance in their worlds and War could be a great stepping stool for stool-sized Link to use as a boost, with Link at least putting a smile on 'ole War's face. Wait--you mean to tell me that Link and Tetra apparently descendants in the Windwaker universe? Well, screw War then Link. Be happy with Tetra. My bad. :{

Epona (Ocarina of Time) and Agro (Shadow of the Colossuss)

Agro and Epona seem to sure share a lot in common. They're both sturdy, dependable steeds with owners that pretty much ditch them without a second's notice. Stranded out in a desert or field or mountain pass, they know about desertion. Whazzah, you're gonna leave me out here in the heat/cold to go climb a Colossus for half-an-hour? What?! You're making me spring back at 300 miles an hour because you summersaulted your way over to that ravine to break pots?! These horses need to give up on the sad homosapiens that play this game of horse-ditching like it was a kid's games. Like the glorious Disney film of Spirit, Epona and Agro can run off into the wild together. . . free as Free Willy. Surviving the wilderness with only your lush mane and fine hooves beneath your feet could be the perfect survival game. Until Sonic and Mario start riding you in a mistaken Olympics game. Ouch.

Ethan Mars (Heavy Rain) and Baby Mario and Luigi

Ethan Mars is not a man about child-rearing. He is, however, a man about child finding. Mario and Luigi seem to get lost as easily as Yoshi produces eggs and they need a guardian to look after them. Let's say that, theoretically, Ethan's happy, married to Madison, proudly watches Shawn graduate from Harvard, and started his own child investigation agency at the end of Heavy Rain. Mario and Luigi have been kidnapped by a (*insert name*) Koopa person. Ethan Mars is on the job as the world's best baby snatcher foiler. Wandering the malls and bus stations of the Mushroom Kingdom, Ethan panders slowly around bathroom stalls and very slowly analyzes footprints and origami super shrooms. "Mario?" "Mario!" Maaaaaaarrrrrrriiiiiiooooo!!!!" Luuuuuuiiiiigggggiiii!!!" He then proceeds to frantically and spontaneously follow bizarre clues that lead him to infiltrate Bowser's dance clubs as a human bar-tender and toad taxidermists's homes only to discover that the fiend behind the baby's disappearances is none other than: David Cage! (*gasp*) "I only wanted a story, an emotion, a feeling to be behind Super Mario Bros" Cage states. Now that I have these two babies, I--I can set the future of Nintendo in motion, give Mario and Luigi the melo-drama they deserved! Ethan wrestles the gun away from Cage, turns him over to the Mushroom Kingdom PD, and delivers the two future plumbers on the doorstep of their parents' in swaddling clothes before anyone sees a realistically rendered man on the Nintendo streets. Meanwhile Yoshi is just waking up from a nap. The lazy bum.

Booker DeWitt and Elizabeth (Bioshock Infinite) and Lee and Clementine (The Walking Dead)

and Joel and Ellie (The Last of Us)

The apocalpyse can be hard on everyone, especially the young'ins. A family picnic is in order, as everyone who survives together through mutant or otherwise extremist, right-wing conservatives with machine guns worlds are like family, right? In a shockingly family friendly atmosphere akin to the Wii's Carnival games, Lee and Clementine stumble onto an abandoned fair grounds filled with mutants being played with by Joel and Ellie. The latter two have discovered that hugs and friendship were the ultimate weakness of the infection, and being a good buddy was all the horrible Naughty Dog monsters ever wanted. The four proceed to join the approaching Booker DeWitt and Elizabeth in a father-daughter/surrogate daughter bout of fun. They play pin the tail on the mechanical founding father, do a three-legged race with the three-legged mutants, see who wins the Comstock Lode cornhusking contest, and even go fishing down by the watering hole. It's a sight to see as the world then rebuilds itself shortly before the Umbrella corporation proceeds to create another virus that mutates all of them into CW, brooding twenty-somethings with terrible voice-acting. But that's on the far horizon as the make-shift family of survivors do sing-alongs by the campfire with smores. Ah, the good life.