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Guest post by Jason Levoy, AKA The Divorce Resource Guy

I'm sure I don't have to tell you that part of any divorce is the distribution of assets...marital assets.

In New Jersey, courts divide assets by a method called equitable distribution.When you get divorced, you are splitting a marital household/lifestyle into two single pieces. Each state is different. If you're in a community property jurisdiction, everything is considered joint.

All those marital assets you accumulated have to be divided and distributed as part of the dissolution process.It may be different in your state, so check to be sure.In an equitable distribution state, this means that the assets are divvied up in a manner that is equitable to both parties.

Up until the mid-20th century, marriages were, essentially, business arrangements, and in many cultures they still are. Families merged to increase power and land-holdings. If you ended up with an affinity for your spouse, that was a bonus, but it certainly wasn’t the impetus, and women had almost no choice in the matter whatsoever. Families had children, not because of a biological yearning, but because more hands were needed to support the family business, and indeed the family itself.

Single-family homes, while seen as early as the 15th and 16th centuries, really began to boom with the advent and proliferation of the automobile. With cars came greater freedom to commute, and housing spread into more rural areas, which led to greater and greater space between us. We left our family homes, found our partners, and moved into these new single-family dwellings, white picket fences and all.

I remember my first Valentine’s Day after my divorce. My ex had a girlfriend, and the guy I’d been seeing had dumped me a month before on a trip to Big Bear, hours before having to drive down the windy mountain in a rainstorm. We hadn’t had breakfast (because get me the fuck off this mountain), and I am really sensitive to altitude adjustments, so trust me when I tell you that I was SICK coming down those windy passes.

But I digress.

So I was freshly broken-hearted, licking my wounds, mostly in my bed with wine, and here comes Valentine's Day...

After our divorce, while we each dated other people, my ex and I still did holidays together, go to the theatre together, and have family dinners together. After all we’d been through we were now close, and as he began to date I took on the awkward yet esteemed role of First Wife.

I’d befriend his girlfriends. Partly because it all seemed easier; we could all just be a family, and it would be less complicated for our son. But the truth was that I couldn’t let go. I didn’t want to lose my spot as the primary woman in my ex’s life. We’d spent 10 years together, and I barely had an identity outside of him.

Ultimately it was a power-play based on my own insecurities. I was pissing on my territory, and my ex was my territory.

Every two weeks I answer anonymous questions to an exclusive segment of my list. This week's question, however, was important enough that I wanted to share the answer more widely. (If you'd like to be on this exclusive segment of my list, you can sign up here.)

An anonymous reader asked:

My son often asks for his daddy. I don't know what to say to him. It breaks my heart because I've done everything I can to bridge the gap and encourage his father to be a part of his life. But he's totally absent. Only visits maybe 20hrs a month sometimes less. Can you give me any advice on what to say to my son about where his father is? Why he isn't here etc?

First of all, let me say that these kinds of questions break my heart. According to Psychology today, "...24 million children live in biological father-absent homes— in the United States alone. And 1 in 3 children grow up without a father." What this means first and foremost is that you are not alone.

Many moms tell me that their ex simply won't collaborate with them. It breaks my heart to see people who are otherwise mentally stable, intelligent people refuse to put their own resentments aside in service of what might truly be best for their children.

{I also have a lot of women come to me who are divorcing malignant narcissists, and this letter absolutely doesn't apply to them.}

If your ex is a mentally stable person who's having a hard time letting go of resentment and blame and it's affecting your kids, I wrote this open letter for you to share in hopes that it might move the needle towards greater collaboration in service of your children.

When I became pregnant, I had just lost my job managing a successful fitness studio that was being financially mismanaged. I was also an actor, and while I still had to have a day-job (as most of us do), I’d been doing pretty well in theatre and television most of my life.

I started my acting career when I was about 3 years old, when I became one of the regular kids on Sesame Street.

Being raised by actors in New York City, I had access to some pretty insane opportunities. By the time I was 12, I had the kind of career most actors would kill for.

When I was 23, I had my picture in almost every newspaper and magazine across the country because of a highly controversial TV movie I starred in (we had the second lesbian kiss in TV history. In 1994 that was a BFD, even for HBO).

All this to say, I had a career, and not an insubstantial one.

Holidays in divorce can suck holy hell.

There's the loneliness factor, the confusion factor, the "Fuck-do-I-really-have-to-collaborate-with-the-one-person-who-stresses-me-out-the-most?" factor. There's the who's-traveling-when factor, the "But-will-I-still-get-to-see-my-in-laws" factor, the "Who-do-I-buy-presents-for-now?" factor. And the worst factor of all: Will I wake up alone on Christmas morning?

While I can't answer all of these questions for you specifically, there are a few ways you can make the holidays somewhat less hellish for yourself and your kids.

One of the most common reasons people stay together is for their children. Depending on your unique situation, this might be the best reason to stay together, or the worst.

We're told over and over again that we have to stay for our kids; that children from "broken homes" (I hate that term) do less well in school, are damaged, and grow up to have poor coping and relationship skills. So we try. And we try harder. We bend ourselves into pretzels trying to make this square peg fit in this round hole come hell or high water, because if we don't, our children will suffer, and we will have failed.

Whether your split is amicable or not, if you're separating from a mentally stable, otherwise reasonable person, there are steps you can take to keep it from going completely off the rails. Conversely, there are ways that the system is set up to be sure that it does... and all those ways benefit the system itself.

When I first split from my husband I consulted a divorce attorney—a litigator. I wanted to educate myself on my rights before going into the process. California is a no-fault state, so no matter who did what to whom, the laws are pretty clear: 50% of all assets or debts incurred during the marriage would be mine. The state even has a calculating program called the DissoMaster for figuring out support based on percentage of custody and the incomes of both parties.

Makes sense, right? My ex made more money than I did (I was a stay-at-home-mom, so he actually made all the money), so he would have to pay me child support and spousal support for a time.

Except then the litigator began to show me that if we slid the custody bar of the DissoMaster over, my support would increase. More custody for me meant more money from my ex. When I told the attorney that I wanted my son to see his father 50% of the time, that he was a great dad, and that I didn't want to take my child away from him, he scoffed.

This is my 4-step process for having a harmonious divorce. This is not magic, nor is it possible in all cases. It will require hard work, but if both parties are willing, this process can be collaborative, rather than combative.

Step 1 - Find a good coach or therapist

I once met a man who had been separated for about 2 years. He and his ex-wife had no children and one day she up and left him with no warning and no explanation. Two years later, when I asked why he thought she’d left, he said, "My best guess is that she had a psychotic break." I was dumbfounded. He hadn’t taken the two years after his separation to figure out what might have been missing in his marriage, to examine what it was he hadn’t seen. He'd simply decided that she had had a psychotic break.

Divorce is fertile ground for self-realization and growth, and while it may seem like you don’t have it in you to deal with your personal growth simultaneous to dealing with the actual divorce, believe me when I tell you, now is the time.

Let’s face it, co-parenting in divorce can be a bitch. I mean, you divorced this person, right? Which means that you likely had a really hard time communicating, sharing values, not scratching each other’s eyes out with a can opener at every disagreement…

And now?

You’ve finally found your escape and your freedom—or you’ve been left holding the bag and you’re pissed as hell—and now you’re supposed to spend the rest of your ever-loving life collaborating with this person?

Yes.

If you are lucky enough to be divorcing someone who is as dedicated as you are to your children, and who isn’t dangerous or mentally ill, then yes, you most certainly are.

I have spent a good portion of my career advocating for and working with Single Moms, but I have a few choice words to say in defense of dads, because I am sick and tired of watching them be disenfranchised—by our society, and worse by their exes.

(That’s us, mamas.)

I am sick and tired of dads being seen as half the parents their counterparts are.

I am sick and tired of dads being treated as if they’re stupid.

I am sick and tired of dads being treated as if their relationship with their kids isn’t just as important as a mom’s.

Sure, there are deadbeat dads out there, and to those, I give a giant “F*^k you”—as I give any parent, male or female, who doesn’t fully understand the weight and value of the job at hand.

But those aren’t the dads I’m defending. The dads I’m defending are all the rest—the majority, in fact: those who see their kids 50% of the time, or more. Those for whom every breath is taken so as to care for their children— who eat, sleep and breathe fatherhood.

Until it was right on top of me, I didn’t exactly think about how this would feel. It’s a birthday and I tend to like my birthday. I get a massage, take the day off, and indulge in… me! Plus there’s all that Facebook love! What’s not to like?

But this? This is a huge hump.

I’m now closer to 50 than to 40.

What the actual fuck?

Today, here’s how this whole birthday thing is looking and feeling (I’m premenstrual, so I admit this might be looking and feeling a little bleaker because of that. Cruel nature.):

On Tuesday, the day before my birthday, I am having a cervical biopsy because I had an abnormal pap. Regardless of the results, cervical biopsies SUCK. They hurt like hell. They’re invasive and send your body into trauma-shock for a while after. My body takes longer than the average person’s to heal from every trauma it’s ever experienced—major foot surgery, a c-section, and, yes, a cervical biopsy and LEEP procedure in my 20s. So, yay. This year on my birthday I’ll be recovering from someone taking a giant, un-anesthetized snip out of my cervix.

I’m single. I’m getting to that age where the guys I check out are more interested in the women in their 20s, and the guys who helicopter me at parties are pushing 60...

A few weeks ago I watched a video series by a business coach named Todd Herman. In one video, Todd talked about the difference between an “OW Mentality” and a “WOW Mentality,” and told the story of meeting two business owners, each of whom had a different mental outlook on their businesses. Todd said he could predict, just from their outlooks, which business would succeed and which would fail. Spoiler alert: Todd predicted that the one with the WOW Mentality was going to succeed, whereas the one with the OW Mentality would fail.

The business owner who looked up and saw only the mountain left to climb, how much further there was to go until his goals were accomplished, was destined to failure, while the one who turned around and looked at all she’d accomplished and felt the rush of her successes thus far pushing her up the rest of the mountain was going to succeed.

This is nothing more than a reframed conversation about the power of positive thinking, but sometimes a re-frame can be really powerful and hit you right where you need to be hit.

I’m not new to the whole positive thinking movement. After all, I’m a life coach and these are things I teach and sometimes often preach.

But it’s time for me to get super honest about this shit, because since watching Todd’s videos, I’ve been in a mental pickle about this whole OW to WOW Mentality thing...