CRIT&ED: tributes Sunny and Amanda

Welcome, welcome! The time has come — Okay, well we all know the Effie Trinket speech (mostly because I use it all. the. time), so I will cut the prologue and present to you our first two tributes! (Thanks for volunteering, Sunny and Amanda!)

Sunny from A Splash of InkCatherine slid into the booth. The sun-warmed pleather bench tingled against the back of her legs. She tapped her fingers, nails clicking in a steady rhythm on the plastic table top; she waited. [This sentence could be tighter. Like: “She clicked her nails against the plastic table top and waited.”] She watched the middle-aged chef that was stationed at the griddle, mindlessly flipping stacks of golden onions through the small window in the door. [Now, I think I know what you’re trying to say, but it comes out that the chef is tossing onions out the window. I hope he’s not. That would be messy. Try rewording this sentence. My suggestions? “Through the small window in the kitchen door, a middle aged chef flipped golden onions on the griddle.”]A whiff of the freshly cut onions drifted out and tickled Catherine’s nose every time the kitchen door swung open and shut. [Try starting the sentence with, “Every time the door opened…”] A waitress [comma after “waitress”] wearing a uniform that was a size too small[another comma] used her hip to push open the squeaky door, delivering a grease garnished meal, cutting off Catherine’s small source of entertainment. [Try, after “squeaking door” going: “open the squeaky door to deliver a grease garnished meal. Catherine’s small source of entertainment ended.”]The bell over the front door rang out over the sounds of clinking sliver ware [“Silverware” is one word, I believe]; the waitress glanced over. A girl wearing a striking blue hat nodded a greeting in the direction of the waitress. The door fell back into place with a quiet thump as she sat down opposite Catherine.“Sorry I’m late,” She placed her blue hat on the bench beside her. “I was going over last-minute details for tonight. Cap and gown, all that stuff, but most importantly the train ticket.” She gave Catherine a wicked smile. Catherine nodded. She signalled the waitress, so she’d have something to do with her hands. “Beth,” She started then stopped. [Skip the “she started” and just say “she stopped”. We know she started, because she said “Beth”, after all. So what we need to know is she stopped.]Beth leaned forward. “What is it? You look like Spence just caught you sneaking out of detention.” Mrs. Spencer was the headmistress of Her Lady of Grace School for Young Ladies. The school was made up of two types of “young ladies”: the ones with a future and the ones without. [Haha!] Mrs. Spencer enrolled one hundred charity cases each year to be interfiled with the girls from well-off families paying tuition. The charity cases knew that [cut the “that” and just use a comma] despite what the counselors told them, they truly had no future — other than one in the house with a baby strapped to each hip [You don’t really “strap” babies to your hip. Your back, yes. So maybe with a baby “perched” on each hip”?] or working a dead-end job till they stumbled into their graves- because they could never afford the post-secondary education that Her Lady of Grace School for Young Ladies prepared its students for. [As a reader, I got kind of lost with this sentence. It’s so long! I suggest cutting it up into a few smaller sentences.]

Everyone thinks homeschooling is weird, my big family is weird, and, most certainly, I’m weird. But that’s only one group of people’s opinion, and definitely does not count as fact. [I’m a touch confused with this second sentence. I’d suggest reworking it?] I’ll admit it–I’m different. Always have been, always will be. And I’m certainly pretty weird at times. But not in the way everyone thinks. [Nice opening!]It’s been like this a long time. [A bit of a vague sentence. What is the “it’s” referring to? Homeschooling? Maybe try “My life has been like this for a long time.”] I meet someone, and one of the first things they ask is where I go to school. [A suggested tweak to this sentence: “Strangers first question are: Where do you go to school?” I tell them [instead of “tell them”, try using “say”.] “I’m homeschooled” and suddenly, something changes in their mind. They ask about my family, and when I tell them I have eight younger siblings…something else changes. I see it. The polite ones [Try: “Polite people try to hide it…”] try to hide it, but their face changes anyway. The not-so-polite ones don’t bother hiding it. In a way, the first group’s response hurts the worst. It shows that even though they aren’t rude people, they still regard me differently when they hear those things about me [A way to tighten this sentence could be: “Even though they aren’t rude, they’ve still judged me.” . As if there’s something wrong with being different. What’s especially horrible is, everyone’s different in some way. Everyone. Including those who see me and others as “different.” And they don’t see that fact. Some decide they’re better than others because they’re “normal” and proclaim this loudly and frequently. The politer ones would never admit it, but they tend to avoid those that don’t seem to be their perfect match. Their twin. [Woah, crossing out this paragraph seems a bit extragavent, right? But someone’s given me this advice: Start your story with an event, not a reflection on life. I wouldn’t necessarily live off this rule. Have you heard of John Green? He’s a NYT bestselling author and his books usually start with a reflection on life. Like yours! But my suggestion is: trim your reflection and dive into the “day” sooner (you’ve alluded to it, and I’m hooked). Like I said, it’s been like this forever. And today is no different. [Ohh? What happens next?!]

THOUGHTS IN GIF FORM:

THOUGHTS THAT MAKE SENSE:

I like it! I was homeschooled so, er, yes, I think you’re spot on in your description! Like I said though, I think you need to move into the action sooner. (Action, in your case, doesn’t mean a gun-fire-battle. It means “what comes next”.) Your writing voice is great!

Thanks for volunteering! (I hope this critique is useful. Even just a little tiny bit.)

cait is a homeschooled graduate who is fond of fried onions. she has a tiny tiny GIF addiction. she is currently eating salted pistachios, reading code name verity and considering the deep questions of life. such as: why are all the best GIFs from disney?

Oh, wow, really?!! That is SO encouraging to hear! (Seriously, I'm bouncing across my room right now, humming Mulan's "Let's Get down to Business"… which is totally relevant, right?) Don't forget to enter the giveaway too! So you might win the full 10K. Hehe!!

Completely relevant! 😉 Now you've got me humming it too! 😛 Oh I forgot about that!! 🙂 Exciting! I did enter quite a lot of times. But I'm afraid I have little to no luck at all when it comes to chance things like that. Haha. I'm much better at asking and/or earning them. ;P I'll look forward to it though!

Really enjoyed the pieces. Still hate it has to be the first bit {yes, I'm complaining again, Cait. You're so mean. ~_*}. Nice job editing.I agree, Sunny's made me hungry! And, since I am also homeschooled, I *completely* relate with Amanda's!!! 😀