Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Fantasy Golf: The Humana Challenge Preview

The Humana Favorites

A free FGR hat* to the first person whocan email me with the Elizabeth Hurley- Humana Challenge connection.

1. Patrick Reed - 12/12. Matt Kuchar - 18/13. Phil Mickelson - 22/14. Ryan Palmer - 22/15. Chris Kirk - 25/16. Zach Johnson - 28/17. Bill Haas - 28/18. Harris English - 28/19. Ryan Moore - 33/110. Keegan Bradley - 33/1
The Humana Top Five
1. Russell Knox2. Ryan Palmer3. Charley Hoffman4. Keegan Bradley5. Zach JohnsonOne and Done Pick: Russell Knox
This week we head back to the mainland for the Humana Challenge in Partnership with the Clinton Foundation. And since no one really has a clue who is going to win a birdie fest that features recent random champions like a then up and coming Patrick Reed (2014), a forgotten Brian Gay (2013), a pulse numbing Mark Wilson (2012) and a total unknown Jhonnattan Vegas (2011), the FGR is going semi-random with a player we've been touting for the better part of a year now in Russell Knox. The Knox pick is supported by (a) the Blutarski argument (why not?) and (b) the fact that he finished tied for 13th last week and tied for 13th in this tournament last year. Also consider that in 2013, Knox made his only cut in a major and shot a 59 in a Web.com Tour event. Ignore all of those 13's if you want but, like Richard Dreyfuss in Close Encounters of the Third Kind, I know this means something and I will prove it with a plate of mashed potatoes if necessary. Don't think I won't.
Enough about the golf (but you haven't really said anything yet).** What I really want to talk about this week is the purported charitable mission of this event which apparently is to improve global health and wellness. I'm assuming this has been part of the mission since they stopped calling it the Bob Hope Classic in 2012 and turned it into some kind of bizarre infomercial for fitness with celebrities like comedian Ron White who once said, "I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade and then try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka and have a party." So the mission already seemed a bit shaky but now I'm having an even harder time getting on board with it when just yesterday, the Journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics published an article on Energy and Nutrient Intake from Pizza which found that "[t]he adverse dietary effects of pizza consumption found in this study suggest that its consumption should be curbed and its nutrient content improved." In other words, eating too much pizza makes you fat. In more other words, duh duh duh duh duh duuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!
Are you f-cking kidding me? We've got a former president sitting in the booth at a golf tournament talking about the incredible health benefits of walking blah blah blah. Meanwhile, it took until 2015 for someone to formally reach the conclusion that feeding your kid four slices of deep dish pepperoni every night might not be in the best interest of his long term health. Here, let me save you some time on future studies by pointing out a few other popular foods you don't want your kids eating three or four servings of at a time: donuts, burritos, cheesesteaks, corn dogs, milkshakes, onion rings and menu items that include any of the following words in their name: fried, double, triple, pounder, whopper, king, monster, ultimate, deep, stuffed, full, plus, footlong and of course baconator.***Now don't get me wrong. I would literally eat pizza and cheeseburgers fourteen times a week along with breakfast burritos every morning if I wasn't trying to outlive the remaining members of the Allman Brothers because I do love me some salty ass junk food and I am sometimes even drawn to the sirens' call of a deep fried chicken sandwich at Wendy's**** so don't go all Fox News and accuse me of declaring a "War on Pizza." But shouldn't we really know when we're sandbagging our arteries without having some P.H.D. tell us and shouldn't we also know when to insert a salad or a few grapes into the rotation? To paraphrase Allen Iverson, "we're talking about pizza man. What are we talking about? Pizza? We're talking about pizza man." But all kidding aside . . . we're talking about pizza. It's basically salty cheese melted over sugar sauce on dense white bread and, until yesterday, there was apparently still some confusion as to whether or not kids should be eating it by the square yard. Mr. President, you and the fat cats at Humana can ditch the carts and take all the caddies you want but if we're still wrestling with the whole healthy v. unhealthy debate when it comes to pizza, your foundation is wandering around like the Haverkamps.

* FGR hats don't actually exist yet but the winner will get first dibs if they ever do.
** As always, if you want more thorough analysis, check-out Rob Bolton's work over at PGATour.com. Rob's picks are generally about as crappy as mine but at least with his you know there is more than five minutes of research and some half-baked numerology based hunch supporting them.*** If you want to feel bloated (and who doesn't?), just Google "least healthy restaurant foods" and scroll through the pictures. Caution: Do not do this on a full stomach. **** That actually happened today and now I feel like I swallowed a balloon full of paint. By the way Wendy's, please dispense with the shred of dilapidated lettuce and the albino tomato on that sandwich. Don't ruin the debaucherous experience by dressing my food up as a replica of what I actually should be eating.