I consider myself an ecologist, environmentalist, you know eco-conscious. I study to understand the ways of natural law, the interrelatedness of all things, and that the Earth is alive, Her force intricately woven into all in this sphere and beyond. I am a student of Life, Death, and ReBirth.

So, during this week, I got a major dose of what this actually is. A lot of times its mainly intellectual grasping of this mind boggling reality. Sometimes, I can really tap in and consciously enter into the filament of the earth~cosmos connection. I can really feel it. This time, I went even deeper, into a realm of union and great grief. I experienced this connectivity from a Mama’s point of view…you know from Mama to Mama.

I was truly having a “What the Fuck” kind of day. At home, with the kids, a huge to do list, and the feeling that my daunting task of the day was to figure out how to herd cats. Now, I like to consider myself a conscious and cool Mom, but this was definitely a Shadow Day. Great evolution comes on Shadow Days.

So, here’s the scene, mainly expressed through my loving children’s subconscious agreement to help me evolve. I take a step towards my goals and my daughter {whinning} needs her bum wiped. I accomplish that, then she {whining} needs some “ami”, so I fix this up. Meanwhile, her brother is asking me loads of questions which don’t, necessarily, relate to one another, in the most urgent of tones. For some reason the questions need to come with his body obstructing my every move.

Meanwhile, little sister is climbing the chair, which topples over and she naturally wails as I go to comfort her. I comfort, feed, answer, and now seize my moment to get to number 1 on my list. As, I sit down to make the phone call, my children begin screaming at each other “No mine, no mine!” I say the usual short term effectual words and take a breath. Now, just set this to repeat for hours and you’ll get the gist of what reality I was living into.

My temper reaches the apex of its crescendo and I lose it. Yelling and screaming, unleashing my deluge of frustration, I am completely enraged. Engrossed in anger, I am baffled at the level of disrespect from these two beings who squeezed through my yoni…for hours! Naturally, I may add.

So, with my temper way beyond comfortability, I am left with only one way through….surrender. I allow myself to cry, to feel what it is like to be sad, overwhelmed, and without answers. To feel completely baffled on how to parent in the midst of tremendous responsibility. To allow the waters pouring out of me to comfort me and release me into nothingness. I cannot move forward…this train is moving me and I not it.

This is not an unfamiliar experience. My Scorpio Moon moves me in these ways from time to time. This time, it moved me deeper, into a place of finding my Earth Mama. In the depths of these emotional waves, I found correlation and parallel…with GaiaMa.

This must be how she feels!

Continuously being needed, demanded for her time, resources, and energy. Never being asked if she needs anything in return, if she needs replenishing. Take, take, take{n} under seriously stressful times. Always feeling behind in the work of moving the healing forward. Her children pushed through her Yoni~Verse only to lose this memory. To lose the connection and default into disrespect. She too has a temper.

She unleashes her anger and fed~upness. She boils over, whips her breath, quakes her body, moves distant womb waters, and rages wildfires. Not for not. There is a time for this. Anger fermented in her bones does not serve these times. It must be expressed and fuel the change.

And, as it is, there is a time for the sweet, soft rain. The respite between evolutionary leaps. The surrenderous void that allows the change to solidify. The moment of grieving for what is, indeed, a lot to bear. The amount of pain inherently weighing on GaiaMa right now is astronomical. It deserves a Global Moment of Awe. What her children, what we have inflicted on her through our evolutionary fumblings, is one for the Guinness Book of Universe Records. So, I grieve with her, with no to do list, just surrendered tears and my heart’s compassion.

Deeply enveloped…I don’t feel alone. I feel connected to a global crisis. I feel like my profound sadness is felt in the many hearts feeling the heart of our Earth Mother. Somehow, this is comforting.

And then, this morning I awaken to a vision…a simple vision really. One of a tree with roots growing deep and drinking long of the endless tears GaiaMa sheds. It was so wet and nourishing! And branches, reaching far and wide, as if asking for help from the cosmic answers from beyond…just open.

I trust the Earth to know how to heal and teach us to heal. I trust myself a bit more now, knowing my process is as magnificent and profound as Hers. And knowing that the spark of evolution lives in the challenging fierceness as well as in the loving embrace of an innocent child.

Today, I longingly hugged my children and fell into the Earth’s loving embrace.

About the Author

Cristina Cabeza-Kinney is a Writer, Peace Ambassador, and Visionary raising a family, a community, and a culture from the middle of nowhere in Crestone, Colorado. Her latest innovative project “Tell Stories That Heal” is a collaborative book illuminating the field of Modern Day Initiations. Connect with her at www.AwakeningThePhoenix.comand on Facebook.

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