Thursday, 7 October 2010

Seems to me that there is a COOP, TOPS or, erm, OC every five minutes these days, dear Melted Felt readers. Not just the big events any more, regional / language OOPS, mini-TOPs and championships played at poker sites which have f-all players too.

Well, the thing is these events are getting dull, looking at the schedules used to be interesting – you could see what was different this time. Now the schedules are pretty much all the same, they have become a list of numbers.

So, dear readers, I pondered how we might make an online poker tournaments championship a little more interesting – and came up with the idea that it should mimic real-life better than the existing events. My COOP would be tailored to different player types, with special structures to suit different types of degenerates… my question is; will you be joining us for the MFCOOP?

Especially for players who love a bowl during their synchronized breaks, this event acknowledges that life is great when you are stoned, and that all those idiots who actually leave their homes to have social interactions, work and enjoy sporting events (for example) ‘just don’t get it, man’.

Entry requirements are that this is for players between 18 and 22 years of age (too few who still think smoking is cool after this). This is a super-deep stacked event, and as players get knocked out a sign will come up saying ‘Quit The Weed, Joined Rat Race - Sigh’. Just like in real life a big group will start the game, leaving one at a time until there is just one stoner alone in 3 years time wondering why they have no friends, no prospects, no qualifications and no money. First prize is a 6 month supply of the very best lung-cancer medication.

Event #2 – $109 Rigged Fixed Limit Holdem

Well, so many players think that poker is rigged that I thought the MFCOOP should go out of its way to prove them right. This event will feature river cards so horrible that a little bit of sick will involuntarily jump into the back of your throat. Straight-flushes will regularly hit, ruining flopped quads, aces will always appear when you hold kings – and the worst hand will somehow get there. Making it fixed-limit should ensure the maximum number of chat-box whiners as we will see a lot of rivers.

Event #3 - $530 Nits Pot-Limit Omaha

This one is specially designed for players who fold 95% of hands in PLO games, raising only aces and then refusing to fold them. Since this play alerts aware opponents to your hand while the bets are small, allowing them to call with any 4 cards to try and outdraw you, we needed to balance things out a little. To make things more interesting I thought we should add another 26 aces to the deck for this event, ensuring that players who think that an A-A-3-7 rainbow is good for calling a huge pot bet on the river of a 9-10-J-Q-Q board with flush possible can get full value for their money, or maybe not.