How to tell people they (or their kids) are not invited to your wedding

Wasn’t it Jordin who said, love is like a battlefield? Well, go ahead and get your armor.

Good Lord. I can’t tell you how frustrating this is. It can come from seemingly nice people! Lisa in the cube next to you, Ricky who whips up your macchiato and small talks with you every morning, or even your absolute favorite cousin, who you grew up playing Barbie with, and although you don’t talk much anymore, you know the general gist of her life because Facebook.

Phase one: The first thing you should do in war

Phase one: The first thing you should do in war wedding planning is anticipate the enemy friends and family reaching out after you get engaged. I’m sure your notifications blew up with that ring photo, and that’s a good thing. People are genuinely happy for you, but it’s a good reminder that the internet is not a closed room, and you forgot how many friends you really have.

These friends are now part of your journey, and you’ve invited them there. So you may want to consider limiting your audience either by purging your friends list or limiting the number of posts you share on wedding planning because every click is an invitation for a comment on the matter.

You can also quiet down the crowds by sending save the dates, but for all that is holy do not add “and guest” to your envelopes. I see you, trying to be warm and accommodating, but that almost always comes back to haunt you, and it’s something that can be prevented. Send your save the dates to only the names of the people you are extending an invitation to. If you’re not sure, don’t add them to the list. Better safe than sorry, believe me.

Phase two: get real.

Okay, so now we’re past the time for save the dates, and your invitations are being designed. This is a critical time in setting the expectations of your guests. Invitations are there to communicate everything they’ll need to know about your wedding, and who is going to be invited is a key component.

On your envelopes, address the name of the guests invited. Don’t want your brother bringing a rando? Invite his boyfriend by name. Don’t want kids? Invite Mr. and Mrs. Smith. This is the first indication of who is invited to a wedding.

Images by Amber Robinson

You know they are going to open the invite in a flurry of excitement and now your envelope is on the floor. Phase two, tactic b. Your RSVP cards. Design them with space to write in the number of seats you are extending to this person, eg. ____ of ____ seat(s) have been reserved in your honor. We do this often to limit the number of cheeky guests that add a name to the M______ line. Before you mail them out, you’ll check your guest list and number each card by hand before sealing. If you’re not a fan of numbering each one by hand, let us know, and we’ll print the cards with the number of seats you need for each guest, or even design it with the guests’ names on each card!

Phase three: Invitations are about to go out the door. You’ve allowed at least 4 weeks for RSVP collection and think, “”this is it! I’m really in it now!”

People will start to text you/call you/email/ig/slide into your DMs with “Oh my god, these are the best invitations ever!” (or they will if you work with us at revelry + heart, 😉 ) and it’s only furthering your internet exposure. You’ll be smitten with your invitation reception because for once, you feel SOMEONE is just as excited as you about your wedding! You’ll want to show everyone and talk about how epic they are. People will say “these are the most badass invitations I’ve ever seen” You’ve got the whole sphere talking and in a good way.

And then one day, you hear the facebook message ding. Or it happens as your coffee crosses the counter “So, when am I getting my invite?”

There is a way to play this off and prevent a total meltdown.

Yes. It is absolutely R-U-D-E to ask for an invitation. But it doesn’t stop people from doing it. And mostly, it’s because, well, they like you, and want to be part of the cool kids club. They think your wedding is going to be epic, (and it is!) and they want to be part of it.

So–what can you say that will diffuse the situation without looking a. Like an asshole and b. Unprepared? Try this:

In a nonchalant humorous tone say, “Ha! As soon as I claim my lotto winnings, I can barely afford to invite myself!”

And they will laugh. And you will laugh. And then you’ll cry. And they’ll feel awkward and back off.

Because here’s a secret, they probably don’t realize how expensive it is for each guest that attends a wedding if they’re asking you this. If they did, they would know not to say boo. Hopefully they get the hint here, but if they don’t, you can default to your limitations. Are you waiting to hear how many people your parents invited? Are you near your cap with your venue? Are you having family only ceremony? Play those cards.

“I’d love to have you there, [obnoxiousperson], I’m waiting to see how [many people the venue will allow us to book over the max] [many people my parents would like to be there] [you post on my wall for my birthday] before I extend any additional invitations. If we can, you will be the first to know.”

And then, never have to talk to them again. Work remotely, get a keurig, shut down your instagram profile. Hell, #blockem.

You are more than gracious for providing them an answer and you are free to skirt the issue from now until the end of time. If they bring it up again, well (WTF) but, you have a pre-established explanation you can revisit.

Phase 4: When you thought all was going well, and you get a message that says–”Hey I got your invitations, they’re amazing! But I noticed that the kids weren’t part of the invite, does that mean they’re not invited”

“Not getting an invite literally means you are not invited.”

Okay, okay, you need a line here, I got you.

“While we believe children are a blessing and a joy, please take this night to enjoy yourselves. Our wedding is adults only”

BAM.

You can even include this on an insert card with your reception information if you want to prevent these outcries altogether. And if it’s included in the suite, and you still get the above message? Copy paste darling, copy paste.

I always find that ending it with a “we are so excited to see you and have you be part of our special day!” is a kind way to curtsy and GTFO.

I love being able to help couples kick ass during wedding planning and providing options that ease their stress. If you felt this information was useful and want to chat with me more, just say hi! I would love to create for you.