Friday, 11 January 2013

52Blogs: Voices and why I'm not really crazy

Quite often, when trying to explain my depression to people I use the phrase "my depression voice" or the "irrational voice" to describe the constant critic that lives in my head. Occasionally I wonder if people are going to take that to mean that I hear voices Beautiful Mind style or that I might start conducting a fight club with myself or talking to a giant rabbit. I can promise you that none of those thing are true, or are going to come true... well I might start talking to Frank but it's unlikely.

However the truth is that I do deal with a constant voice in my head. The depression voice is always there, sometimes whispering quietly, sometimes screaming at me until I break. The depression voice is that arsehole that is constantly telling me that I'm not capable, that I'm worthless, that people don't like me. It's the voice that stops me from leaving my house, its the voice that looks in the mirror and tells me how ugly and unlovable I am. It's good at finding cracks and working away at them to make me doubt myself, my friends, the people who love me. The depression voice is the one who has trouble trusting people, the one who is sure that everything is some elaborate rouse to trick me into making a fool of myself so everyone can sit around having a giggle at my expense. The force is strong with this one.

This year however I have made the decision to shut the depression voice out as much as possible. When I start to doubt myself I will remember that I AM a good person, that I DO make a difference in people's lives. I will not start to doubt my friends, I will remember that they love me. I will remember that, while not being perfect, I AM a good mother, wife, daughter, friend. I will remember that I AM capable, that I am good at what I do, that I have a lot to offer. I will remember that only crazy people listen to voices in their head ;)

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comments:

I'm proud of you, Tifness. It's the worst when that inner voice is so damn loud. Just gotta remember that just because it's the loudest, biggest bastard in there doesn't mean it's ever gonna be right. In fact, I know you so reading above what it says to you so frequently I can assure you it's not.