CM Punk is sitting Indian style in the ring. We’re LIVE from Chicago. He cuts a promo about Randy Orton. He blames the New Nexus for their own misfortunes. They show Punk’s attack on Orton at Orton’s bus last week. He says he’ll close this chapter at Mania. Randy Orton limps out with his knee taped up. They brawl. Orton hits the DDT OF MURDER and humps the mat despite his injured knee. Orton goes for the punt, but his knee gives out and Punk escapes. He realizes that this would be a good time to take advantage of a wounded opponent and returns to the ring to taunt him, then kicks him in the injured knee. Punk delivers the Go 2 Sleep.

Tonight, The Undertaker and Triple H will face off! So will John Cena, The Miz, and The Rock.

Edge and Christian meet up backstage. Edge talks about the stupidity of Teddy Long saying he can’t touch Alberto Del Rio on Smackdown, but the iBooker says he can. Commercials.

WWE Rewind: Christian vs. Alberto Del Rio from Smackdown.

Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler, and Josh Matthews are the announcers. Justin Roberts is the ring announcer.

World Heavyweight Champion Edge & Christian vs. Alberto Del Rio & Brodus Clay. Del Rio & Clay are of course introduced by Ricardo Rodriguez. Edge and Clay start. Clay is awesome at beating and being beaten. Edge and Christian make quick tags and try to work Clay’s arm over. They bundle him out of the ring and Christian gos for a dive. Clay catches him, but Edge knocks him down with a baseball slide dropkick. Commercials. Del Rio works Christian’s arm, having gained the advantage during the break. Del Rio and Clay keep the heat going on Christian. Edge gets the hot tag and runs wild. Edge goes for the spear on Clay, but Del Rio trips him from the outside. Christian attacks Del Rio, who whips him into the barricade. Edge spears Clay for the pin in 8:15. The match was fine. Del Rio puts Christian in the cross armbreaker in the aisle. Edge chases Del Rio out of the building. Edge goes back to check on Christian. Del Rio attacks him from behind and puts him in the cross armbreaker.

Trish Stratus and Snooki are in a bar in New Jersey. Commercials.

Sin Cara vignette.

Chicago!

WWE Champion The Miz and Alex Riley are backstage with an upside down WWE logo.

The iBooker dings in. Lawler believes this will be a good chance to fuck with Cole, but Cole, who routinely leaves the Cole Mine, now stays securely inside and reads the e-mail from his iPad. Cole announcers Lawler vs. Jack Swagger for tonight.

WWE Tag Team Champion Justin Gabriel (w/ WWE Intercontinental Champion Wade Barrett, WWE Tag Team Champion Heath Slater, & Ezekiel Jackson) vs. Santino Marella (w/ The Big Show, Kane, Vladimir Kozlov, & Tamina). These guys will have an 8-man tag at Mania. They lock up and wrestle a bit. Slater distracts Santino. Gabriel lands a spin kick for 2. Gabriel cranks on Santino’s arm. Santino throws him off and makes his comeback. Santino frighters Slater with the Cobra. Kane decks Slater. Kozlov trips Gabriel behind the referee’s back. Show and Kane take out the rest of the Corre at ringside. Santino hits the Cobra for the pin in 1:52. There ya go. All of the babyfaces celebrate jovially.

Plug for WWE All Stars, a very silly looking game.

Triple H is headed our way! Commercials.

Keri Hilson will perform America The Beautiful at WrestleMania. Never heard of her.

The Undertaker comes out. So does Triple H. So does Shawn Michaels. Michaels apologizes for interrupting, then proceeds to hype up the match. Michaels is mad that Triple H thinks he can do what Michaels couldn’t. Triple H says Michaels has gone soft. He talks about Undertaker’s dedication and says that’s why he chose to pattern himself after Taker. Triple H has this really great bit about how he and Shawn made a pact to tell each other when it was time to leave, and now he’s telling Taker it’s time for him to leave out of respect. Taker says if he ever needed someone to put him down, he’d want it to be Triple H, but it’s not time for that yet. He says he and the streak will both survive Mania. Taker talks about how Michaels failed twice despite his greatness and that is now humbled. He sort of shoves Michaels. Michaels goes for the superkick. Undertaker catches it and goes for the chokeslam. Triple H breaks it up and stares down Taker. He tells Shawn to tell Taker why he will beat him at Mania. Shawn leaves instead. Triple H calls out to him. Shawn looks back and says “You can’t win.” Taker tips his hat to Triple H and leaves. Fucking great segment.

Tonight a face off between Cena, Rock, and Miz that won’t be in the same universe as the one we just saw. Commercials.

Jack Swagger (w/ Michael Cole) vs. Jerry “The King” Lawler. Lawler comes out to new music that sucks compared to the music he’s always used in WWE. Cole gets on the apron. Lawler lunges for him. Swagger jumps Cole and beats him up. Swagger sends Lawler outside and throws him over the barricade so he can pose uninterrupted. Lawler clocks Swagger with a chair to cause the DQ in 1:16, then several more times to boot. He goes after Cole, who hides in the Cole Mine, so Lawler hits the Cole Mine, then tries to climb into it. He’s held back by Cole’s security. Cole throws liquid on him, then talks shit from the safety of his box.

Tonight, Cena/Rock/Miz stuff. Commercials.

Slam of the Week: John Morrison & Trish Stratus vs. Dolph Ziggler, LayCool, & Vickie Guerrero from last week, where Morrison did the job for Vickie Guerrero. Yes. That happened.

Vickie Guerrero comes out to be obnoxious and do John Morrison poses. I fast forward through her screaming with her nails on a chalkboard voice.

WWE United States Champion Sheamus & Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero) vs. John Morrison & Daniel Bryan. Sheamus beats up Morrison. One of Morrison’s best roles is getting his ass kicked by Sheamus. Morrison decks Ziggler on the apron. Sheamus hits the Irish Curse for 2. Commercials. Morrison continues playing face in peril. Bryan tags in and locks Ziggler in the LeBell Lock. Sheamus kicks Bryan in the back of the head, then tags in and kills Bryan with a Polish Hammer. Morrison saves. Ziggler accosts Morrison and gets dropped with a Pele Kick. Sheamus sends Morrison outside. Bryan goes for the LeBell Lock. Sheamus counters, then avoids Bryan in the corner and hits the Razor’s Edge for the pin in 6:15. What the showed of it was pretty fun.

Earlier tonight, stuff went down between Randy Orton and CM Punk.

Randy Orton ices his injured knee backstage. Scott Stanford asks him if he’ll make it to Mania. He says he’ll make it there, but Punk won’t make it out.

The Rock comes out. He talks about how his first WrestleMania match was in this building. He goes on with his promo, the highlight of which is when he calls John Cena “a homeless Power Ranger.” Cena comes out and talks to Rock for a while. They get mad at each other and act like they’re gonna fight. WWE Champion The Miz and Alex Riley come out. Miz babbles for a while. Rock says it doesn’t matter what Miz thinks. Miz and Riley jump The Rock. Cena has disappeared. Rock makes his own comeback, knocks Riley out of the ring, and DDTs Miz and gives him the People’s Elbow, then throws him out of the ring. Cena comes back in and gives Rock the Attitude Adjustment.

World Heavyweight Champion Edge bitches to Teddy Long about the arm injury he suffered at the hands of Alberto Del Rio last week. Long has ruled that Edge and Del Rio can’t touch until WrestleMania. Edge is pissed that he has to wait 2 weeks for his revenge.

WrestleMania Rewind Match: Rey Mysterio Jr. vs. CM Punk. They show Punk’s attack on Randy Orton from Raw. They lock up. Punk backs Mysterio into the corner and cheap shots him instead of giving a clean break. Mysterio hits a flying headscissors and goes for the 619. Punk counters with a knee lift. Mysterio rolls through a cradle and kicks Punk in the head for 2. Punk avoids a springboard cross body and puts a beating on Mysterio. Punk applies an abdominal stretch. Mysterio rallies and sends Punk to the floor. Punk drops Mysterio across the barricade. Insta-commercials. Punk applies a body scissors. Mysterio fights out. He tried to slide under Punk, but Punk drops a knee on his back for 2. Punk hits a leg drop for 2. Punk hits a cross body block for 2. Punk goes up top and dives. Mysterio catches him with a dropkick. Mysterio kicks Punk in the legs, then sort of monkey flips him out of the ring and hits an Asai moonsault. Cody Rhodes appears and throws Mysterio into the post to cause the DQ (5:30 shown). Rhodes headbutts Mysterio in the face with his mask. Rhodes exposes a knee brace and knees Mysterio in the face with it. Why is Rhodes freaking out when he’s wearing a clear mask and everyone can see he looks exactly the same as he always has?

World Heavyweight Champion Edge is in his locker room. Christian comes in to chat with him. Edge says he’s going to prove he’s fine by having a match with Drew McIntyre tonight and being in Christian’s corner against Del Rio later.

Tonight, The Undertaker addresses Triple H.

WWE.com plug.

Non-Title: World Heavyweight Champion Edge vs. Drew McIntyre. Edge has like six pounds of tape on his arm. McIntyre, sensibly, goes right for it. Edge stomps him into the corner. McIntyre lands an elbow smash and goes to work on the arm. Edge makes a one armed comeback. McIntyre kicks him in the arm and goes for the Future Shock. Edge counters. McIntyre counters. Edge locks in the Edgeucator for the submission in 2:26. There ya go. Edge spears McIntyre after the match, just because he’s a fine, upstanding babyface.

Kelly Kelly & Rosa Mendez vs. Michelle McCool & Layla. LayCool are pretending to be Jersey obnoxious instead of their usual brand of obnoxious. They do the retard dance that wrestlers supposedly from the Jersey Shore are fond of. The face divas attack them. McCool kicks Layla with the loaded boot on the outside. In the ring, Rosa beats up Layla. McCool breaks a cover and dances. Layla hits the Lay Out for the pin in 1:09. Thank God this atrocious shit is over. Shit, it’s not. LayCool are obnoxious for a while afterwards.

The Undertaker comes out to the stage to talk about his match with Triple H at WrestleMania. He says at Mania, Triple H will just be #19.

Tonight, Christian vs. Del Rio.

Sin Cara vignette.

From Raw: Jack Swagger and Michael Cole attacking Jerry Lawler.

Jack Swagger vs. R-Truth. Cole spazzes out big time because he and Swagger are butt buddies. Swagger beats up Truth. Truthe makes is comeback and a lewd gesture, then low bridges Truth out of the ring and hits him with a dive. Swagger gets the jump on R-Truth coming back in, DDTs his leg, and locks in the ankle lock for the win in 2:53. There ya go. Cole leaves the utterly pointless Cole Mine to get in the ring and be an obnoxious little piece of shit. They prance around the ring like they’re at a gay pride parade.

Alberto Del Rio (w/ Brodus Clay) vs. Christian (w/ World Heavyweight Champion Edge). They lock up. Del Rio lands a knee and grabs a side headlock. Christian lands an elbow smash for 2. Del Rio stomps Christian down in the corner. Christian back body drops Del Rio to the floor and hits him with a dive from the top rope. Insta-commercials. Christian hits a diving sunset flip for 2. Christian clotheslines Del Rio to the floor. Del Rio sends Christian into the barricade. Back inside, Del Rio goes to work on Christian’s arm. Del Rio hits a diving senton for 2. Del Rio keeps the heat on Christian. Christian rallies and hits a tope rope Frankensteiner for 2. Christian makes his comeback. Del Rio avoids a diving cross body. Christian duckes an enzuigiri and hits an tornado DDT. Ricardo puts Del Rio’s foot on the rope. Edge frighters Ricardo. Clay Pearl Harbors Edge. Del Rio goes for the Minoru Special. Christian goes for the Killswitch. Del Rio lands an enzuigiri for 2. Del Rio locks in the cross armbreaker. Christian gets the ropes. Double clothesline spot. Edge spears Clay on the floor, then grabs a chair and beats him on the back with it. Del Rio kicks Christian in the arm. Christian hits the Killswitch for the pin (8:50 shown). Fine but overbooked match. Why does Del Rio keep losing going into a World title match at WrestleMania? Edge teases hitting Del Rio with the chair. Christian stops him and talks some sense into him, then wallops Del Rio with the chair himself. Edge yells at Del Rio.

Okay show, but I don’t understand burying your heel who’s getting the title shot at Mania. Then again, they’re burying the World Champion on Raw, so what do I know?

Justin Roberts introduces Jim Ross. Michael Cole comes out in a fat suit and a cowboy hat. I already hate this show. Cole throws the hat at Jerry Lawler and scampers into the Cole Mine for safety. Cole, Lawler, and Josh Matthews are the announcers.

Triple H comes out to cut a promo about his match with The Undertaker at WrestleMania. He asks Undertaker to show up on Raw next week. He talks more about how one of them is going to die at Mania. After the promo, Ted Dibiase Jr. comes out to talk about how far his star has fallen. He wants to take out Triple H so people will notice him. Triple H kicks his ass, throws him into stuff, and beats him with a chair. Pedigree through the announce table. This had absolutely no purpose besides burying Dibiase even further under the Earth.

Tonight, John Cena responds to the Miz live via satelitte. Are you fucking serious? Also, The Miz is “rewriting Miz-story.” Ugh. Commercials.

Non-Title: WWE United States Champion Sheamus vs. Evan Bourne. Sheamus is good and pissed off, probably because he got the jobber entrance, and beats up Bourne. Bourne avoids Sheamus in the corner, then kicks him in the face. Bourne goes for the Shooting Star press, but crashes and burns when Sheamus avoids it. Sheamus hits the brogue kick for the pin in 1:23. There ya go. Sheamus says he’s the United States Champion of America. Former United States Champion of America Daniel Bryan comes out and says he wants his rematch at WrestleMania. Sheamus throws him the belt and drops him with the brogue kick. So Bryan is getting buried too.

Non-Title: Maryse vs. WWE Divas Champion Eve Torres. Maryse prances around and poses. Eve facetiously claps. They get into a cat fight. Maryse rams Eve’s face into stuff. Eve avoids a charge and Maryse hits her leg on the rope. Michael Cole starts talking over the match again, calling for it to end. I actually agree with him, but feel sorry for the divas. Eve goes for a standing moonsault, but Maryse gets her knees up. Maryse goes for a neckbreaker, but Eve counters into her neckbreaker drop for the pin in 2:20. Terrible. Cole is happy it’s over, and so am I. Eve tries to get at Cole in the Cole Mine, but of course Cole has security there to protect him from women and old announcers. Eve manages to slap Cole’s arm. Cole talks shit while security takes her away.

Non-Title: WWE Tag Team Champions Justin Gabriel & Heath Slater of The Corre (w/ Wade Barrett & Ezekiel Jackson) vs. Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov (w/ Tamina). I’ve seen this match 700 times and it’s never been good. Santino and Gabriel do some shit. Santino threatens Slater with the Cobra. Gabriel drops Santino with a kick for 2. Slater tags in and works over Santino. Kozlov gets the tag and runs wild. Barrett distracts Kozlov. Slater hits a reverse DDT. Gabriel tags in and hits the 450 splash on Kozlov for the pin in 1:50. At least it’s over. Or not. The Corre beat down Santino & Kozlov. The Big Show and Kane make the save. Kane throws Gabriel into the barricade. Show gives Slater the KO punch. Kane and Show hit a double chokeslam on Jackson. Show shakes hands with Santino and Kozlov.

John Cena live via satellite next. Commercials.

The Rock will be here next week.

Pittsburgh!

Highlights of Cena vs. Alberto Del Rio last week. Cena was beaten down by Del Rio, Brodus Clay, and then The Miz who was dressed up as The Rock.

The announcers talk to John Cena via satellite.

Cole gets out of his cage to be obnoxious. He promises to be obnoxious more next. Commercials.

Michael Cole and Jack Swagger prance around the ring like fairies together. Swagger stands in front of the announce table. Cole talks shit about Lawler. They show Brian Christopher being a snot nosed little bastard to his dad last week. Cole says Christopher gave him the Lawler family photo album. They show pictures of Lawler’s family on the big screen while Cole makes fun of them. Lawler has finally had enough and gets up from the table. Swagger jumps him, but Lawler kicks ass and chases Cole around the ring. Swagger clotheslines Lawler and Cole scampers away into the Cole Mine for safety. Swagger pushes Lawler’s face into the cage while Cole talks shit. Swagger puts Lawler in the ankle lock. With Lawler safely down, Cole takes over. I can’t wait to see Lawler pound Cole’s face in at Mania.

WrestleMania Rewind Match: Randy Orton vs. Rey Mysterio Jr. Mysterio tries a go behind. Orton elbows him in the face. They go back and forth a bit. Orton lands a European uppercut from his knees, which looks to be about the right height to hit Mysterio. Orton slides Mysterio out of the ring and throws him back in, so that was pretty pointless. Cover gets 2. Orton continues the offensive with a rear chin lock. Mysterio hits the diving seated senton. Orton hits the powerslam and goes for the DDT OF MURDER. Mysterio counters and goes for the 619. Orton counters and hits the DDT OF MURDER. CM Punk appears on the screen. He’s at Orton’s bus. He says he’s going to go in and meet Orton’s wife. Orton runs to the back and presumable gets counted out. He makes it to the bus, where Punk hits him with a wrench. Orton’s wife screams, then looks oddly turned on by Punk, then calls for help. I guess the match is a no-contest in about 4 minutes. Shame.

Miz’s thing is next. Commercials.

Undertaker, Triple H, and The Rock will all be here next week.

Alex Riley is in the ring. He’s been rehired as Miz’s “Vice President of Corporate Communications.” He introduces WWE Champion The Miz, who comes out without the belt. He blathers for a while. He turns the WWE log upside down so it looks like Ms instead of Ws, because his name is Miz. He’s done the same with the belt. John Cena appears on the tron and makes fun of him. Geeks take away Cena’s “walls” to reveal he’s actually in the arena. That was really fucking stupid. Cena hits the ring to fight. Miz runs away. Cena puts Riley in the STF. Repeatedly.

WWE open, Superstars open, pyro and ballyhoo. Jack Korpela and Matt Striker are the first announcers. Tony Chimel is the first ring announcer.

JTG vs. Tyler Reks. They lock up. Reks shoves JTG around. JTG throws some punches. Reks charges him in the corner and misses. JTG lands a dropkick. Reks clings to the ropes for safety. Reks comes back and throws JTG out of the ring, then puts a hurting on him on the outside. Back inside, Reks hits a backbreaker for 2. JTG tries to fight back. Reks hits a Final Cut for 2. JTG avoids Reks in the corner again and gets a schoolboy for 2. Reks holds onto the ropes to avoid a reverse cradle. JTG gets it on the second try to for 2. JTG low bridges Reks out of the ring and hits a diving shoulder block off the apron. Back inside, JTG plants Reks with a DDT for 2. JTG comes off the top rope, but Reks ducks him and kicks him in the gut. Reks his his Burning Hammer for the pin in 5:48. They tried, but I couldn’t get into it.

Tonight, Raw replays featuring Snooki.

WWE.com plug.

From Raw: Vickie Guerrero beat Trish Stratus after Dolph Ziggler, John Morrison, and LayCool got involved. A brawl with Snooki happened and they booked a 6-person tag for Mania.

Santino & Kozlov in action next.

Scott Stanford and Josh Matthews are now the announcers. Justin Roberts is now the ring announcer.

Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov vs. Jimmy & Jey Uso. Ugh. Santino has a new singlet. I notice things like that. The announcers don’t know the trick to telling the Usos apart. Santino and Jey do some shit. For what it’s worth, Jey is the one with the cross tattoo on his right arm. Usos make quick tags and work over Santino. Usos pull the switcheroo, but it doesn’t work. Santino continues playing face in peril. Kozlov gets the hot tag and runs wild. Powerslam on Jey. Jimmy saves. Clusterfuck ensues. Santino back body drops Jimmy on the floor. Kozlov boots Jey and tags out. Santino hits the Cobra on Jey for the pin in 4:24. There ya go.

8-woman tag match tonight. Ugh.

Raw Rebound.

WrestleMania hype.

Divas tag match next. Ugh.

Melina, Alicia Fox, & The Bella Twins vs. WWE Divas Champion Eve Torres, Natalya, Gail Kim, & Tamina. Tamina beats up one of the Bellas. Fox beats up Tamina. Tamina beats up Fox. Fox beats up Gail. Gail hits a dropkick and a clothesline for 2. Natalya tags in. She and Gail give Fox a double suplex. Natalya goes for the Sharpshooter, but Fox makes it to the ropes before she can. One of the Bellas tags in. Natalya schoolgirls her for 2. The other Bella distracts Natalya to let the legal Bella get the advantage. The heel divas cut Natalya off and get the heat on her. Insta-commercials. Natalya continues to play face in peril. Natalya gets a cradle on Melina for 1. Melina applies a rear chin lock while chewing on her hair. Natalya escapes and goes for an enzuigiri. Melina ducks. One of the Bellas pulls Eve off the apron. Tamina drops both of the Bellas at ringside. Natalya clotheslines Melina and makes the tag to Eve. Natalya slams Melina. Eve’s first act of the match is to hit a moonsault press on Melina for the pin (5:55 shown). At least it’s over. Face divas celebrate.

I was not into this show at all. Not only was it not good, but I was also not in the right state of mind to get through this in a good humor.

The Rock appears on the screen pretending to talk to President Obama on the phone. John Cena’s music plays. A kid dressed like Cena appears in Rock’s office. Rock has a talk with “Cena,” makes him cry, and gives him some Fruity Pebbles. Rock then cuts a serious promo on The Miz.

Trish Stratus chats with Snooki backstage.

Michael Cole, Josh Matthews, and Jerry Lawler are the announcers. Cole is in a plexiglass box. Justin Roberts is the ring announcer.

WWE Champion The Miz comes out. They show his various recent attacks on John Cena. Miz cuts a promo on The Rock. iBooker dings in. Cole leaves the Cole Mine to read it, so what’s the point of the Cole Mine? Lawler punks him down and reads it himself. Tonight, there are to be 2 never before seen matches: Cena vs. Alberto Del Rio and Miz vs. Great Khali, the latter of which is next. Commercials

Non-Title: WWE Champion The Miz vs. Great Khali (w/ Ranjin Singh). Miz goes on the attack. Khali lightly shoves him down. Khali beats up Miz, who looks like a midget by comparison. Khali applies the head vice. Miz gets a rope break. Alex Riley appears and attacks Khali to cause the DQ in 1:10. Khali gives Riley the crown chop and the tree slam. Miz wears out Khali with a chair. So let me get this straight: THE WWE CHAMPION, 3 WEEKS BEFORE WRESTLEFREAKINGMANIA, COULDN”T BEAT THE GREAT FUCKING KHALI? It’s not like Khali has any fucking credibility anyway, since the last time he was on Raw he was doing the stupid kiss cam. Miz DDTs Khali on the chair.

WWE United States Championship: Daniel Bryan (c) (w/ Gail Kim) vs. Sheamus. Sheamus promised to quit if he lost, but he seems to be having second thoughts about that. They lock up and wrestle a bit. Sheamus hits a shoulder block for 0. Bryan back flips over Sheamus and hits a drop toe hold. He goes for the LeBell Lock, but Sheamus rolls to the apron. Bryan kicks him off and lands a tope suicida. Back inside, Bryan hits a missile dropkick for 2. Sheamus bails. Commercials. Sheamus has Bryan in a neck crank, having gained the advantage during the break. Sheamus beats on Bryan. Sheamus lands a knee lift for 2. Bryan catches an inside cradle for 2, then back body drops Sheamus to the floor. Sheamus sells a leg injury like he did last week. Sheamus makes it back in. The referre stands in Bryan’s way. Sheamus goes for the brogue kick, but Bryan ducks and locks in the LeBell Lock. Sheamus gets a rope break. Sheamus goes for the Razor’s Edge, but Bryan counters into a cradle for 2. They trade elbows. Bryan lands a flurry of kicks for 2. Bryan goes up top and dives. Sheamus kills him in midair with the brogue kick for the pin in 8:59 to win the title. Fun match, even if the Bryan mark in me is a little bummed he lost the title.

Slam of the Week: Last week, Michael Cole introduced JBL as his WrestleMania referee, but Stone Cold Steve Austin intervened and signed on for the job. Also, beer was poured on Michael Cole, which was awesome.

Michael Cole is obnoxious, then introduces his guest, Lawler’s son Brian Christopher. Christopher comes out dancing to the old Too Cool music and looking older than his dad. The crowd does not give a fuck. Christopher talks about what a shitty dad Lawler was. Lawler retorts about what a fuck up Christopher is. Christopher asks Lawler how he feels about Christopher competing at WrestleMania before him, then shoves and slaps his dad. He says he never used Lawler’s name because he’s ashamed of him. Cole starts to shit talk Lawler again. “Boomer Sooner” plays and Jim Ross comes out! Cole shit talks JR. They banter for a bit. Cole continues talking shit, then Ross acts like he wants to fight. Jack Swagger appears from somewhere and jumps Lawler, then beats up JR and puts him in the ankle lock. Lawler wakes up to make the save. Cole jumps on his back. Swagger knocks Lawler down and puts him in the ankle lock. Cole puts JR in the ankle lock.

Tonight, Cena vs. Del Rio! It could be a big money drawing match in 6 months to a year, so of course they’re giving it away free with no build! Orton vs. Ryan is next. Commercials.

Randy Orton vs. Mason Ryan (w/ CM Punk). Punk watches from the stage since he isn’t allowed at ringside. They lock up, then brawl. Ryan hits a backbreaker for 2. Ryan hits 2 more backbreakers for 2, so an extra backbreaker does not equal an extra count. Ryan applies a bear hug. Ryan hits a side Rock Bottom for 2. He goes for it again. Orton hits the RKO for the pin in 3:00. At least it’s over. Punk can’t have Nexus fight his battle for him at WrestleMania. Orton stares at Punk for a while, then returns to the ring and punts Ryan, then humps the mat while glaring at Punk. Punk backs away in fear.

Trish Stratus and Snooki are walking backstage. Zack Ryder hits on Snooki, who approves of his abs. Commercials.

Snooki comes out. She’s not nearly as obnoxious as that parody of her in TNA. She says Trish Stratus will shut up Vickie Guerrero. She leaves to sit at ringside. Vickie comes out and is obnoxious.

No DQ Match: Vickie Guerrero vs. Trish Stratus. Vickie does jumping jacks and football exercises. Trish schoolgirls her for 2. Dammit. Trish pie faces Vickie. Vickie bails and runs around the ring. Trish chases her back in. Vickie cackles and tries to use a shoe as a sword, then throws it. Who throws a shoe, honestly? Trish spanks Vickie with her own shoe. Dolph Ziggler runs in. John Morrison hits the ring and takes him out, then hits him with a dive. Michelle McCool and Layla appear and attack Trish. Michelle kicks Trish with the loaded boot. Vickie covers and gets the pin while LayCool sit on her back in 2:27. So Vickie has a job. Fuck. All of the obnoxious women are obnoxious together. McCool talks shit to Snooki, who is very short. McCool shoves Snooki. Snooki pulls her down face first into the apron, then attacks Layla in the ring. Trish stops McCool from making the save. Vickie throws a fit. The heels escape. Ugh. Vickie challenges Morrison, Trish, & Snooki to face Ziggler & LayCool at WrestleMania. Snooki agrees. Joy.

Alberto Del Rio (w/ Brodus Clay) vs. John Cena. They lock up. Del Rio takes Cena down with a side headlock. Del Rio hits a shoulder block. Cena makes a comeback. Cole insists that The Rock is here. Commercials 5 minutes into the overrun. Del Rio lands a dropkick for 2. Cena turns a headlock in a backdrop suplex. Double clothesline spot. They trade punches. Cena makes his standard comeback and goes for the Attitude Adjustment. Brodus Clay attacks Cena to cause the DQ in 7:19. The Rock’s music plays, but it’s The Miz wearing a very believable skin cap. Miz, Del Rio, and Clay beat down Cena. Miz hits the Rock Bottom. Okay, now I can see the outlines on the skin cap. Del Rio gives Cena an enzuigiri. Clay delivers a fall away slam. Miz does The Rock’s corner pose, then takes off the stupid skin cap and goes outside to ram Cena’s back into the post. Miz hits Cena with a microphone and talks shit to him. Miz suplexes Cena on the stage, then picks him up. Cena fights back and goes for the Attitude Adjustment. Miz counters and DDTs Cena on the stage, then throws him into the set, then gives him the Skull Crushing Finale.

WWE open, recap of last week’s happenings. Michael Cole and Josh Matthews are the announcers. Justin Roberts is the ring announcer.

The Undertaker comes to the ring and talks about his match with Triple H at WrestleMania. They show a very cool video package of the 2 Undertaker/Shawn Michaels WrestleMania match. He wants the match at Mania to be No Holds Barred, because apparently someone is going to die. He says Triple H will “rest in peace” at WrestleMania.

Randy Orton brawls with the three remaining members of the New Nexus backstage. Nexus get the better of it since it’s 3-on-1. Punk sends Orton’s head into a wall repeatedly, then delivers the Go 2 Sleep. Punk orders Otunga and Ryan to drag Orton to the ring. Commercials.

The New Nexus are beating down Randy Orton in the ring. Referees come out to break it up. Otunga wants his match with Orton. Orton drags himself up and agrees.

Randy Orton vs. David Otunga. Otunga beats on Orton. Otunga hits a fancy elbow drop for 2. Orton hits a body slam for 2. Otunga hits a spinebuster for 2. Orton hits the RKO out of nowhere for the pin 1:59. Otunga is banned from ringside at WrestleMania too. Mason Ryan attacks Orton and drops him with a big boot. He picks Orton up and gets dropped with an RKO. CM Punk tries to hit the ring, but Orton scares him away, then punts Otunga in the head, then humps the mat.

Tonight, Cole reveals his special guest referee for WrestleMania. Commercials.

Slam of the Week: John Cena overpowering The Miz to defeat Alex Riley in a Steel Cage Match last week, then getting dropped with the Skull Crushing Finale.

Dallas!

The Miz is apparently boycotting Raw tonight.

Christian and Alberto Del Rio (w/ Brodus Clay and introduced by Ricardo Rodriguez) come out for a match. I have know idea why this happening on Raw, since they’re both Smackdown guys. Del Rio sends his NXT rookie Brodus Clay to wrestle Christian instead.

Christian vs. Brodus Clay (w/ Alberto Del Rio). Clay is a big fat dude. He shoves Christian down and steps on his back. Clay blocks the Killswitch and drops Christian with a punch. Christian tries to fight back and gets dropped with a headbutt. Clay huts some elbow drops for 2. Clay cranks on Christian’s previously injured arm, then hits a fall away slam. Christian avoids a big splash and hits an ineffective missile dropkick. A second missile dropkick drops Clay. Cover gets 2. Clay hits a lariat for 2. Christian avoids a powerslam and hits a tornado DDT for the pin in 2:41. Good little match. I rather like this Brodus Clay fellow. Del Rio immediately attacks Christian. Christian fights back. Del Rio hits the Minoru Special.

Replay of The Rock’s live via satellite promo from last week. Cena responds tonight!

Also tonight, Stone Cold returns! Commercials.

Sin Cara vignette.

Newest Hall of Fame inductee is… Sunny!

Divas title match next. Commercials!

WWE Rewind: One of the Bellas won a Battle Royal last week.

WWE Divas Championship Match: Eve Torres (c) (w/ Gail Kim) vs. Nikki Bella (w/ Brie Bella). They lock up. Eve throws Nikki across the ring, then rams her face into the turnbuckle, then throws her around some more. Cover gets 2. Nikki beats up Eve and throws her around. Cover gets 2. Nikki works the hair, of course. Michael Cole shouts for them to get this over with, and for once I agree with the turd. Cole babbles on and on and says “I’m the main event” 7,000 times. Eve hits a flash kick. The Bellas pull the switcheroo. The referee catches them. Eve throws Nikki back in and hits a neckbreaker drop for the pin in 3:07 to mercifully end this. Cole reveals his referee next. Commercials.

Snooki from Jersey Shore will be here next week. UGH. WWE, if you’re going to rip off TNA, rip off SOMETHING THAT ISN’T COMPLETELY FUCKING HORRIBLE AND MAKES ME WANT TO PUT A BULLET IN MY FUCKING HEAD.

Last week, Jack Swagger fucked Lawler’s ankle up while Cole humped the mat in joy.

Michael Cole is in the ring being a cocksucker. He has a contract of the referee to sign. Cole spazzes out for a while, then talks about his referee. He fakes like it’s going to be Steve Austin, then introduces John Bradshaw Layfield! I fully expected something stupid like Alex Riley, but JBL is pretty cool. JBL shit talks the crowd, then puts over Cole. Stone Cold Steve Austin comes out. JBL and Cole bitch at him. Cole hides behind JBL, of course. Austin stuns JBL. Cole scampers out of the ring. Austin drinks beer. Cole all but cries on commentary. Austin pours beer on JBL, then signs the contract to become the referee for Lawler/Cole at Mania. By this point, I think Cole IS crying. Austin shakes Cole’s hand, then pours beer on him. Yay! Austin sarcastically wishes Cole good luck. JBL gets up. Austin gives him a beer, toasts him, then stuns him again. Yay again! Jack Swagger comes out to watch Cole throw a temper tantrum. This segment was awesome.

Jerry Lawler, having been missing all show for no apparent reason, comes out to join Matthews for commentary. They show Austin signing the contract and pouring beer on Cole again. That never gets old.

Non-Title: WWE United States Champion Daniel Bryan vs. King Sheamus. They show Sheamus getting beaten up by Triple H and losing to Evan Bourne last week. Sheamus attacks Bryan and stomps him down in the corner. Sheamus hits the Polish Hammer for 2. Bryan dropkicks Sheamus to the apron, then dropkicks him off the apron. Sheamus sells a leg injury and gets counted out in 1:12. Sheamus throws a fit. Well this was lame. Sheamus says he’ll end his losing streak next week. He challenges Bryan to put up the title against Sheamus’ job. Bryan accepts.

Up next, Shawn Michaels speaks SOME MORE about Undertaker/Triple H. Commercials.

CM Punk (w/ Mason Ryan) vs. R-Truth. Truth gets a schoolboy for 2. Punk throws Truth into 3 posts. Truth tries to fight back, but Punk stomps him down. Punk hits a snapmare for 2, then works Truth’s shoulder. Truth makes his comeback. Punk goes for the Go 2 Sleep, but Truth counters and hits a jumping kick for 2. Punk pulls Truth’s arm across the top rope, then takes him down, pounds the shoulder, and locks in the Anaconda Vice for the submission in 2:32. Ryan gives Truth a powerslam afer the match.

More video of Shawn Michaels talking about the Undertaker/Triple H WrestleMania match.

Vickie Guerrero comes out. Joy. Commercials.

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

Snooki next week. Kill me now.

Vickie Guerrero is in the ring being obnoxious. She introduces Dolph Ziggler, who has been signed to Raw.

Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero) vs. John Morrison. Vickie on commentary. Ugh. They lock up. Ziggler gets a headlock and a shoulder block. Morrison goes for a leap frog, but Ziggler dropkicks his knee. Commercials. Ziggler works a headlock. Morrison avoids Ziggler in the corner and makes his comeback. Morrison hits the Moonlight Drive for 2, as Ziggler gets a foot on the rope. Ziggler rakes Morrison’s face and hits the Zig Zag for the pin in 5:33. The less than half they showed of it was fine. Vickie gets in the ring to celebrate. iBooker dings in. Lawler reads that Ziggler has been hired, but Vickie hasn’t. Vickie will have to win her match next week against… Trish Stratus. Security comes out to take Vickie out. She’s pissed that Dolph doesn’t help her.

Another replay of Rock’s promo. Cena responds next. Commercials.

Dallas.

Yet another Rock reply.

John Cena comes out, talks for a bit, then raps about The Rock not actually showing up to do his shit talking. He reveals a parody of The Rock’s shirt that says “I bring it via satellite.” WWE Champion The Miz appears and clocks Cena with the title belt. Twice. Miz cuts a promo on Cena, then stares at the camera to talk shit to The Rock. Miz gives Cena the Skull Crushing Finale, then the People’s Elbow.

Besides the Christian match and the Austin segment, I pretty much hated this show.

WWE open. The 2/21/11 mystery will be revealed in one hour! Raw open, pryo and ballyhoo. We are LIVE from Fresno! Michael Cole and Josh Matthews are the announcers. Justin Roberts is the ring announcer.

John Cena comes out to cut a promo. He talks about going to WrestleMania, then addresses the comments made about him by The Rock last week. They show video of Rock making said comments. Cena says he still has a degree in Thuganomics, so he goes old school and does a freestyle! Fun stuff.

Slam of the Week: CM Punk spraying stuff into John Morrison’s eyes, then kicking him in the head 2 weeks ago.

John Morrison vs. CM Punk. Punk’s leg is cut up from a bump on the chamber floor last night. Morrison goes on the attack. Punk goes to work on Morrison’s knee and viciously tortures it. Morrison escapes a hold and makes his comeback. Morrison goes for the running knee, but Punk kicks him in the injured knee and hits the Go 2 Sleep for the pin in 2:51. It was fine while it lasted. After the match, Punk cuts a promo on Randy Orton. Orton comes in through the crowd and attacks Punk. Punk avoids the RKO and runs away. The New Nexus comes out to protect Punk. Commercials.

WWE bullshit fact of the night.

Justin Roberts introduces Ricardo Rodriguez to introduce Alberto Del Rio. Kofi Kingston jumps Del Rio in the aisle. Rodriguez gets involved, allowing Del Rio to get the jump on him. Del Rio beats the hell out of Kofi and attacks his injured arm. Del Rio locks in the cross armbreaker, and afterward sends the injured arm into the post again. That dick!

WWE Champion The Miz and Alex Riley are headed our way!

2/21/11 reveal in 23 minutes! Commercials.

WWE Champion The Miz and Alex Riley come out to the stage. Miz cuts a promo on The Rock. iBooker dings in. Cole reads that tonight, The Miz & John Cena will challenge for the tag titles.

The Bella Twins vs. WWE Divas Champion Eve Torres & Gail Kim. Gail and one of the Bella start. They do some shit. Everyone brawls outside. Gail beats up the Bella back in the ring. Gail hits a cross body for 2. The illegal Bella causes Gail to take a bump to the floor. Eve and the other Bella tag in. Eve runs wild. Eve hits a standing moonsault for 2. Eve gets a reverse cradle. Bellas pull the switcheroo and the other Bella pins Eve with an inside cradle in 2:28. This was crap.

2/21/11 reveal in 3 minutes! Commercials!

The clock counts down. The video reveals The Undertaker, who then comes out to the ring. Before he can speak, Triple H comes out. Fucking ugh. After H poses for a while, they look at each other and at the WrestleMania sign. Undertaker smiles, teases leaving, then turns back to give Triple H the throat slash. Triple H responds with the “Suck it.” Well, there ya go. Commercials.

WrestleMania is 41 days away!

Moments ago, The Undertaker and Triple H looked at each other.

King Sheamus vs. Mark Henry. Sheamus goes on the attack. Henry bear hugs him, then throws him out of the ring. Henry throws him back inside. Sheamus begs off, then cheap shots Henry. Sheamus hits the Polish Hammer for 2, then wails on Henry some more. Sheamus hits his slingshot shoulder block for 2. Henry sandwiches Sheamus into the corner and makes his comeback with clotheslines and headbutts. Sheamus avoids a big splash and kicks Henry in the head. Sheamus exposes a turnbuckle. Henry splashes him into it, then hits the World’s Strongest Slam for the pin in 3:49. Well that’s kind of an upset.

Michael Cole introduces Jerry “The King” Lawler. Cole taunts Lawler about losing to The Miz, then douches it up big time and talks about the death of Lawler’s mother. Lawler grabs Cole and threatens to kick his ass if he ever talks about his mother again. He challenges Cole to a match at WrestleMania! Cole says no. Lawler calls him a coward. Cole throws water in Lawler’s face, then runs out of the arena.

The Corre is headed our way! Commercials!

Moments ago, Michael Cole ran away like a little bitch.

Lawler has joined Matthews on commentary.

WWE Tag Team Championship Match: Justin Gabriel & Heath Slater (c) of The Corre (w/ Wade Barrett & Ezekiel Jackson) vs. WWE Champion The Miz (w/ Alex Riley) & John Cena. Miz and Slater lock up and wrestle a bit. Gabriel tags in and is met with a drop toe hold. Miz beats up Gabriel and tags in Cena. Cena runs wild on Gabriel for a bit. Miz requests the tag and Cena obliges. Miz hits the corner clothesline and the Skull Crushing Finale on Gabriel for the pin in 3:11. Miz & Cena win the tag titles! Miz celebrates as Cena looks on in surprise. Cena joins in on the celebration. Barrett says The Corre is invoking their rematch clause RIGHT NOW! iBooker dings in. Matthews reads that it’s on!

WWE Tag Team Championship Match: WWE Champion The Miz (w/ Alex Riley) & John Cena (c) vs. Justin Gabriel & Heath Slater of The Corre (w/ Wade Barrett & Ezekiel Jackson). Bell, commercials. Back to action as Miz works over Gabriel. This match is already longer than the first one and it’s been on commercials the whole time. Cena and Slater tag in and go at it. Cena hits a cross body block for 2. Miz tags in and beats up Slater. Zeke trips Miz from the outside, allowing Slater to gain the advantage. Slater sends Miz outside. Barrett and Zeke convince Riley to not get involved, but Gabriel gets in some cheap shots behind the referee’s back. Back inside, The Corre go to work on Miz. Barrett cheap shots Miz behind the referee’s back. Miz continues to play the de facto face in peril. Slater hits a neckbreaker for 2. Gabriel tags in and continues the beating. Miz hits the backbreaker/neckbreaker, but Slater tags in and cuts him off from making the tag. The Corre keep the heat going on Miz. Cena gets the hot tag and runs wild. He goes for the Attitude Adjustment on Slater, but Miz gives Cena the Skull Crushing Finale! Slater pins Miz 11:10 to regain the tag titles.