Tuesday, June 23, 2015

I saw this quote posted by a friend of mine on Facebook and I loved it. It was a sledgehammer moment. It truly is the story of my life. I guess we all have to hit rock bottom before we begin to realize what matters most and what really doesn't. I had changed all of myself... seriously... all of myself to try to fit in. I changed the way I looked, starved myself, I compromised the way I dressed, and spoke in turn giving up my values. I also changed my laugh... yes my laugh. I behaved in a way that was contradictory to everything that I had been raised to know. I gave up everything that was important to me and everything that made me who I was, all in the name of fitting in. I was a lost little girl who got into a lot of trouble. I did not even recognize myself by the end. Where did that leave me? In the end, I was still alone, and forgotten. I was hurt, and I was confused. I was dying and I did not know how I was ever going to survive. That was the moment when I gave up. I had nothing left of me... I felt worth saving. It was then that I met my husband. My white knight. He loved me for who he saw behind the pain. Unfortunately, he had a lot of pain and baggage too. We loved each other deeply and dearly, but we struggled. Plus we had the challenges that were more trial than joy, but we made it, all the way to therapy, almost 24 years later. We've done a lot... I mean a lot... of hard work. We still are, but are getting there.

Our therapist recently told us... last week in fact... that we should not be here... as a couple. We should not have survived... together. Anyone else would have quit. We have come close. We have struggled to the point of near breaking. We have bent to the point of near bursting. However, we are still here. We are surviving. We are still learning. We are growing. We have good days and bad days, but we are doing it together. You know, it is easier to give up, and sometimes you should, there are lots of cases when you should, but it is easier to quit. I am not judging your situation... not for a second. You know what is best for you in your circumstances.

Think about it for a moment, does anyone ever want to admit that they screwed up? It is the hardest thing to do... to analyze yourself, what you are doing wrong, what you are doing right, what you can do better, what mistakes you made, and apologize for them. Try that... just once. Try to look at your mistakes, and NOT blame others for the situation you are in. It is hard. It is the hardest thing I ever had to do. I always tried to deflect blame onto someone else. It wasn't until I took responsibility for my own actions and reactions that I started to grow. But it is HARD.

You know the whole butterfly analogy. Well, we all have to go through the transformation. We have to be real and honest, and ready to do it. We have to make hard decisions. We have to remove those things and people in your life that are negative and toxic. You may have to say goodbye to someone who is not good for you. You may have to overcome addiction. You may even have to decide that it is better to be alone rather than do those things, behaviors, whatever that has compromised your values. You may even have to figure out what values are, or which ones you want to develop. It all begins with the first step. You have to be patient with yourself and forgiving of yourself. You may even have to forgive someone who wronged you. (I have written about that topic before). Forgiveness is NEVER for the one you are forgiving... you are letting go of pain and wrongs for yourself. To free your own soul. Pain and anger only destroy you. It is hard.

You also have to have a little faith in yourself. You have to try to believe that you are worth it. You have to give it everything you've got, and give in to the process. You can do it. I know you can. I am still doing it. But we all can do it. Just one step at a time, with a little help, a lot of prayer, and time. You can do it. Be patient with yourself and don't be afraid to get help... even if you think you can do it on your own. It does not mean that you are weak or a loser... it means that you are human. People get training for this... seriously...

Don't give up and know that I understand what you are going through... because I am doing it too, and I have to tell you... IT IS WORTH IT!

These are two documentaries that I have watched recently on Netflix. They are amazing stories. My Aunt and Uncle grew up during the war in Germany, and my mother was born there during that time. My grandparents left Germany when my mother was nine years old. I will not begin to speculate on their motives or anything of that manner, but I have always had a fascination with that time in our history. It was horrific and criminal, but learning about survivors and their stories inspires me. I love to learn about the lives of others. We have so much to learn from each other, if we are willing to listen. It is shocking to me what people can survive. We all have something to learn. I hate, "hate" and I just plain wish it did not exist. There are so many stupid reason that people hate each other. Underneath it all we are just the same. If you dissect us... we are all the same. Why do we get so hung up and mean over our differences such as skin color, appearance, religion, all of that? I just don't understand it. Maybe I'm weird that way, but I tend to judge people on how they behave more than what they look like... now I will not say that I am not shocked or do a double take every now and then, but I tend not to leave it at that. My next thought is usually... I wonder what they are like, and why they made that decision... etc. Now that is not to say that some people are just plain creepy, or scary... there are those in our society with deprivation, and malice in their hearts. I think we spot them "mostly" because it is our inner warning to avoid them.
My question is why do we love entertainers who are unique, out there, different, have a special sound, look, or attitude? Why do we love celebrities who have that something that makes them stand out if it is such a bad thing to be different? Why do we try so hard to be like everyone else? We are often so desperate to fit in, and I think that it is because we are terrified of being alone and forgotten. But does that make it our right to belittle others, persecute others, or make anyone feel bad about who they are?
Maybe that came from me having two special needs children. When you get to know people who have "different abilities", handicaps, or limitations you kind of have to get over how they look and look at their hearts. Special needs people are the last group of people to get any sort of respect, or acceptance, and unless you let yourself see into their hearts... you just won't get it. They are angels on earth. They are purer and more innocent than any of us, and yet I have heard the sorts of things that people say to them, "the bullies of the world" and often it is unbelievable what comes out of their mouths. I have seen hatred and intolerance. I have witnessed ugliness, and to me that is the worst sort of hatred.
The Holocaust moves me, and it saddens me to my core. It bewilders me (that it could have happened at all). It was a time in history that I worry we did not learn from. We are doing nothing to stop the horrors that are happening in this world even today. Why? Why? I don't understand. Why do we allow anyone to kill in the name of intolerance? When did this become acceptable? Why is it allowed?
We jump into the mob mentality so easily. If there is something or someone who is considered "not cool" or is socially mandatory in order for us to fit in we shoot it down. We make you feel bad and we persecute you. We have a way of just making your life generally miserable. Why?
If you think its nuts to be religious... you think it's okay to mock and declare that Jesus is an "imaginary friend". If you think the only way you can have fun is to be drunk or high, everyone else is stupid, lame, and a loser. I don't get it. We waste so much energy hating on so many level and for so many reasons. I just don't get it. If you want proof of that state anything in support of the unpopular on facebook and watch the claws and horrible, hate filled comments fly. I have witnessed great... spitting... venomous debates flair up on facebook over the most minor of opinions. It is crazy to me. It is as if people lay in wait for the words to be said so they can attack.
WHY DO WE DO IT?
My point of all of this is... life is too short, hate sucks, and there is just too much pain inflicted willingly in the world. If I think about it too much... well I just can't... it crumbles me inside, but it felt good to make my point. If you don't agree, or think I am lame... frankly... that is your problem, not mine. I have a voice and in our country we have defended the freedom of speech that allows me the opportunity (that I am glad and grateful to have) to say what I feel I should. So if you read this far, "Thank You." If you think I suck, I'm sorry you feel that way, but thank you never the less. I do appreciate your time. I just thought that someone had to start the conversation. I hope that I did.
Have a great day everyone.

Saturday, June 20, 2015

Okay... so I have been trying to catch up on all the YouTube channels that my kids watch and I have to be honest. I was a little leery about their absolute attention to some of those channels. I have kids who range from 7 to 20. I have to worry, it is my job, and I have to pry because I believe that is what a good parent does... I think that (at least to a point). I don't believe in reading diaries... unless you are concerned for their safety. I'm just putting that out there. I was one of those kids that if my parents had known more about me they might have been able to help me... but I kept them as in the dark as much as I could. I have learned better since then though. I have apologized for my past often... but I never miss the opportunity to do it again, to apologize I mean.
I've been checking these people out... and love a lot of them. However, I have to say that, I REALLY wish that people did not swear... at least less than they do... I am very impressed with a good majority of YouTubers. My kids have good taste. I have even found some that I myself have become hooked on. There are some crazy talented people out there!
The one thing that I want to celebrate about YouTube is that it has given a voice to so many creative, funny, smart, beautiful, talented, and charismatic people who might have not had a chance to live their dreams any other way. YA YOU!! Seriously... It has given nerds, geeks, all cultures, all races, all of us the ability to find our voice. How exciting is that? I know that not everyone gets to the heights that they dream of, but you have a voice and an opportunity to express yourself, share your talent, share your view, and for some of you, share your support for each other. I have heard from a lot of the tubers that I love do segments related to support for us as a public to feel confident, follow your dreams, don't let anyone say you are not good enough, and don't let anyone tell you that you can't... whatever that is to you. I love that. We have bullies in the world. We have haters and trolls in the world. We have others who quite simply... live to shoot others down because it makes them feel better about themselves. I hate that. I have been bullied, and I have to say that NO ONE deserves that. NO ONE! It does not have to be part of growing up... like some people who have obviously never been bullied... say. It is not okay. It is not fair. It is not acceptable. YouTube is giving those kids a chance to prove those people wrong... because they are!
Now, here's the rub... for as many great YouTubers out there... who really do great things, inspiring things, fun things, fascinating, and creative things... there are a lot of dopes, perverts, idiots, etc... too. I HATE things that are vulgar, pervie, and full of swearing. It makes me sad. I will also say right now that I AM NOT A PRUDE! I adore British humor that has PLENTY of language, naughty jokes... etc, and I absolutely love it! I shouldn't, but I do. It is just my weakness. I cannot pass up a good British sitcom (mystery or drama either to point a fact). But dirty jokes just for the shock value... I hate. Language bothers me, and frankly I've used it all (in my past). I don't like to admit that... but there it is. Now that I have children and am getting... sigh... older... I have just found that I hate it. It is ugly to me. I miss manners. I miss when people did not swear around children, just because it was not done. We did not swear around adults, or women. Just to be polite. I miss that. Okay.,, and before you say anything... I DO choose not to watch them... I don't subscribe to them. I KNOW that it is just that easy. I am just saying that I wish it wasn't part of reality.
Anyway... that is my tangent on that. My point is... I just wish it wasn't this way. There is so much talent out there. There is so much beauty out there. Does it have to be muddied? It's like someone once told me... it's like hiking up to a beautiful, sparkling, clear mountain stream, and you look up and someone is down stream peeing in it. That is what I think that it is like. There I said it.
I guess I want to say that I underestimated the importance, and power of YouTube. It can be used as a fantastic tool for all of us to bridge the gaps and express ourselves. I am impressed. Bravo YouTube for giving all of us little people a chance to follow our dreams. I am not a tuber, but our family has been considering it. I know that what the dedicated ones do is really hard work... even if they make it look easy, but they are impressive and they devote their lives to what they do. I wish them luck and so much success. I just ask that you think about how you are using social media... are you doing good with it, or are you just putting out crap? I'm just saying...
Anyway... bravo to those of you who are having fun, expressing yourselves, making a living for your families, doing amazing things, and just being awesome! I cannot wait to look up more of you. Good luck and I wish you success.

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Why I do this blog.

In this blog, I hope to convey my story, some hope, some reality, and some strength to who ever reads it. I want others who may be struggling to know that you are not alone. No one is perfect, and we are all here to learn, love and grow, together if we can.

These are my personal thoughts and opinions. I hope that I can help someone... somewhere... out there. Life is a struggle, but we don't have to face it alone.

About me and welcome...

Hi,

My name is Gail. Welcome to my blog.

I am a wife, mother and a writer/illustrator.

I am also a survivor. I hope to convey some of my thoughts, observations, etc, and tell you over time a little bit about me.

As I said, welcome and thanks for stopping by.

I also have one other blog:

fattoribookfan.blogspot.com (for my novel)

Have a peek and thanks for your support.

About Me

Hi,
I'm Gail. I am a fantasy/adventure writer.
I am writing a book series called, "The Dragon Prophecies"
It has been described as, "A fairy tale with sinister under tones." I love that.
Anyway, I hope that you will read the excerpt that I added. Comments are welcome.
Thanks,
Gail