The 6 Biggest Dick Moves in the History of Science

#3. Curing the Gays... with SCIENCE!

In 1954, two scientists named James Olds and Peter Milner found the pleasure center of the brain, dubbing it "Engorgeopolis." [citation needed] They theorized that they could stimulate this area by administering an electric current, and tested their hypothesis by wiring up a rat's brain and providing the little guy with a lever to control the shocks. Soon the rat was banging on the lever up to 2,000 times an hour, missing work, skipping meals and losing its temper with the children.

In 1970, Robert Heath of Tulane University refined the Olds and Milner discovery to test his theory of reversing homosexual behavior through pleasure center stimulation. That's right, Heath wanted to zap the gay away. Unable to locate a readily available supply of gay rats for his experiment, Heath went ahead and found a homosexual male's brain to dig around in.

The subject, B-19, was hooked up just like the rat in the pleasure study. At first Heath administered controlled amounts of stimulation himself, but then handed the pleasure button off to B-19 and allowed the subject to be the lord of his own electric bonerjam.

And stimulate he did. In one three-hour session B-19 pressed the button 1500 times until. According to Heath, "he was experiencing an almost overwhelming euphoria and elation and had to be disconnected." At that point, we're amazed his dick hadn't burst into flames.

Heath's theory was that B-19's sex drive would be so jacked he'd have sex with anything, and for Jesus' sake, why not make it a girl? This being 1970, this was clearly the part of the experiment where you bring in the whore.

When introduced to the female prostitute, however, B-19 did nothing for an hour until the prostitute initiated a sexual encounter herself. Nevertheless, Heath called the experiment a success, having proven that with enough electric shocks directly to the brain, a gay man will have sex with a woman as long as he's locked in a room with her for an hour and can't leave.

And that's why there are no more homosexuals around today.

#2. The "Monster" Study

For a project so inhumane that fellow scientists dubbed it the "Monster" study, the story of this experiment starts off on an oddly inspirational note.

Wendell Johnson grew up with a horribly persistent stuttering problem, so bad that he usually didn't speak at all. However, Johnson turned his handicap into an aptitude for writing and humor which eventually earned him the class presidency and valedictorianship. Johnson went off to the University of Iowa and sought a degree in Psychology in order to commit his life to speech therapy and help children overcome the same adversity.

And by "overcome the same adversity" we mean "get seriously fucked in the mindhole."

"Just remember, if you stutter again, I'll just straight murder your mother. Right in front of you."

Johnson set up an experiment using orphans (the perfect test subjects), some that stuttered and some that just didn't have parents. He and his assistant told the kids they would receive speech therapy, but in reality, only half of them were. The lucky half.

The children in Group A received positive reinforcement, encouragement and in general were praised no matter what they did. The children in Group B were subjected to demoralization and verbal abuse, with staff raining down insults on the children every time they made even the slightest error in their speech--and sometimes when they didn't.

The orphans in Group B developed speech problems, even those who initially had no issues, and some eventually became mute altogether. Many developed learning disabilities, going on to damn the study decades later for "ruining their lives."

Strangely, Group A lost speech fluency as well, demonstrating beyond a shadow of a doubt that Johnson should not have been allowed anywhere near children.

#1. Beneficial Brainwashing

In the 50s, a Scottish-American doctor by the name of Dr. Ewen Cameron believed he had discovered the cure for schizophrenia. His technique involved reprogramming the brain to think in healthy ways by having patients wear headphones playing supportive audio messages such as, "People like you and need you," "You have confidence in yourself" and "You are the master of magnetism."

Sounds rather nice, except Dr. Cameron often put these patients into a sedative coma with a powerful tranquilizer for weeks at a time, locking them in a place nurses came to call the "Zombie Room."

During that comatose state Dr. Cameron would administer "beneficial" electro-shocks, which we assume are related to "therapeutic" hammer punches to the face. His technique also destroyed whole sections of his patients' memory, many of whom were not even schizophrenics.

Oh, did we mention none of this was done with any kind of consent? At this point in the article, you should probably take that as a given.

Word of Cameron's experiments reached the CIA, who took one look at what he was doing and said, "This man is an unethical prick, we must have him." The CIA fired t-shirt guns loaded with cash at Dr. Cameron and eventually folded him into their MK-ULTRA project--you know, the one in which the government experimented on unwilling citizens in an effort to create brainwashed assassins.