Mismatched libidos

Sexual health therapist

Limerence doesn't last - and sexually mismatched libidos are more common than many couples may realise.

If you feel bitter about your partner wanting less sex than he or she used to, you’re not alone. As a telephone relationship counsellor, I talk to many clients all over Australia who feel the same way.

They remember the days when they met their partners and became infatuated; when they could not keep their hands off each other. That period was the falling in love and lust stage, known as limerence, driven by the neurotransmitter phenylethylamine (PEA) which, combined with dopamine and norepinephrine, creates pleasingly positive feelings towards each other.

This “love molecule” can prompt euphoria, increased energy and increased sexual desire. It is responsible for the intense passion and the rose-coloured glasses we see our partners through, as if they can do no wrong.

I wish I could bottle it.

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Unfortunately, this period only lasts from about six months to two, or maybe three, years. This intensity is impossible to maintain and when the limerence period is over and the couple settles into their day-to-day routine, any difference in sex-drive the partners had before this time will be starting to show.

It is natural for our sex drives to go up and down and “mismatched libidos” is one of the most common problems sex therapists see. I had a client last month who called me when he was extremely upset.

He had been married for about three months after meeting his wife two years earlier; they were mad about each other and they always had great sex. However he noticed that very soon after he proposed and gave her an expensive engagement ring, their sex life started to deteriorate. Now, after being married, it had become worse. He still loved her but felt he had been “trapped” by her.

When I spoke to them as a couple, his wife explained that the wedding preparation was a very happy but stressful event for her and she had little time and energy left for sex. She didn't even notice a problem, but it all became obvious after the honeymoon when normality set in and her husband started to complain.

In our session, it became clear that his sex-drive was a lot higher than hers and this issue started affecting their relationship. Lovemaking is a sensitive area to discuss as there is a fear of hurting each other’s feelings. In dealing with the situation, I helped the couple make a plan to work together toward positive, effective communication to restore their intimacy.

This “desire discrepancy”, as it is often called, does not generally reflect a lack of love but can lead to questioning sexual compatibility as a couple. Often, the issue is about the frequency of sex: one person would like to have sex three times a week and the partner would be happy with once a week or fortnight. It is actually quite common for a couple to have a different level of desire. What are the chances that we meet somebody who satisfies all the requitements we want in a relationship and who also has the same sex drive?

Loss of libido is not a problem we usually associate with men, on the contrary, there is a belief that men can’t get enough sex and are always ready to go, while women may “have a headache” or pretend to be asleep. However, some of my colleagues agree that they are now seeing many more women who complain that their partners are not as interested in sex as much as they used to be.

When a couple has mismatched libidos, a vicious ‘pursuer-distancer’ cycle often begins. The partner with the higher sex drive becomes the pursuer, chasing the less-interested partner for sex. The pursuer keeps asking for sex, becomes irritated or angry when rejected and frequent arguments unfold.

The partner with the lower sex drive becomes the sexual distancer. They try to avoid sexual contact by going to bed early, are reluctant to hug or kiss as it may lead to sex, or pick a fight about something unimportant. The behaviour of the distancer provokes the pursuer to chase even more – and the distance becomes emotionally and sexually unavailable. They talk less, become less affectionate and the intimacy they used to have soon disappears.

A man’s sex drive can fluctuate for all the same reasons a woman’s can. He could be stressed, unhappy, tired because of having to work long hours. There can be lifestyle issues such as tobacco, alcohol consumption and the use of medication for depression, high cholesterol, diabetes, and so on. Men don’t always realise these issues can affect their sexual functioning. If they suddenly experience erectile problems, premature or delayed ejaculation, they can become very reluctant to have sex and can acquire “performance anxiety”. They are often too embarrassed to tell their partners and they then become the “distancers”.

Women often don’t realise erectile problems can be due to health rather than desire – and can take a partner’s avoidance of sex personally. They question whether they are attractive anymore or if someone else may be involved.

Limerence doesn't last. I keep telling my clients that good communication is the most important part of a healthy, happy relationship and they have to realise they can’t expect their partners to be mind-readers. But, if your relationship has reached the stage where communication between you and your partner has broken down and your sexual relationship is no longer fulfilling and loving, you may need the intervention of a relationship counsellor.

It’s my experience that couples often leave these issues unattended, or when they do finally decide to seek counselling, it may be too late. To save your relationship, you may need perspective, education, information and re-assurance from an outside source.

287 comments so far

Maybe the writer of this article needs to kick around some internet dating sites. The amount of married men on these sites claiming the are in a 'sex-less marriage' is unbelievable.

Sad, but true.

Commenter

Sexpert

Location

Australia

Date and time

December 19, 2012, 6:41AM

Personally I think that's code for "I want to sleep around but I want you to think I'm the victim".

Commenter

WHat

Date and time

December 19, 2012, 7:05AM

I agree with @What

Commenter

Average guy

Date and time

December 19, 2012, 7:42AM

We used to call it the jelly bean in the jar syndrome. One jelly bean in everytime before marriage, one out everytime after marriage. The jar will never empty

Commenter

Gaz

Location

Yarrawonga

Date and time

December 19, 2012, 8:29AM

I am sure there are sleazy men out there but....

I know two men that have had the decision made for them by their wives. No more sex. Ever. These guys are late 30s and have families. They love their kids and won't leave them but the growing resentment to their wives is so visible that it's not really a healthy scene for the kids any way.

I just don't get the wives... nothing .. nadda zip! they won't won't even land a hand and then they are surprised he doesn't want to cuddle on the couch.

As the author stated, when the sex stiops so do so many other things. It is the beginning of the death of intimacy.

Commenter

crazy

Location

town

Date and time

December 19, 2012, 8:36AM

women that have simply stated that there will be "no more sex, ever" have no right to complain about their husbands having sex elsewhere.

Commenter

metromale

Location

sydney

Date and time

December 19, 2012, 9:23AM

LOL @ Sexpert - if I knew my hubby was out and about on those sites, picking up and exposed to what-all VDs, I'd make bloody sure I had a sexless marriage as well!!

From the other viewpoint, I see a guy on a dating website who says 'sexless marriage' - I see that as code for 'dud root'.

Commenter

andilee

Location

Melbourne

Date and time

December 19, 2012, 9:28AM

Yeh plus the men who have wives who say they are single and go on gay hook up sites. The amount of guys that tell me that they are married disgust me. You know if you gotta family and kids then be honest to yourself first. Honestly the more and more our technology gets better with smart phones and what have you the more guys are turning to hook up with other guys as alternatives who are even straight. Many say it's easier to just do it then have problems with a woman. There are so many sites now that track your location to the nearest person who is looking for a random hook up via your geographic location. Exposer is important, if someone out there has any degree in this area, please write a article and publish it. People would be shocked to hear what else is booming in society. Every single city of this country has the same scenario, same guys who were, is married looking for no strings man fun. Terrible.

Commenter

Branco

Date and time

December 19, 2012, 10:04AM

@Crazy, don't fool yourself into thinking that this is a men only issue. I know of a couple of women whose husbands are exactly the same way. They decided that they were comfortable, married, had children and got all they needed to from the marriage, so imagine their wives and how they feel - used - most definitely. And sexpert, women are just as guilty of trawling the net looking for men because they're "bored" in their relationships or looking for a reason to cheat. I know because back in my single days, I was on various chat sites and saw the level of desperation in a lot of women. I honestly don't know why some people get married. There's always a lot of excitement at the beginning of a relationship but it doesn't mean it has to end there... no-one seems to want to work at it.