On my third driving test, I turned right out of the test centre, reached a pedestrian crossing, attempted to run over a little old lady, was prevented from doing so by the examiner grabbing the wheel, then proceeded straight back to the test centre.

The drive home was very, very quiet. I've never felt such a complete failure.

I've been trying heroically, but to no avail. it's tuesday (I think) and the answers are only going to go down hill from here....
(Vipros.clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 9 Jan 2007, 16:14,
Reply)

I also failed to
notice that the woman I was told to work alongside, in a factory job during my teens, was deaf (hearing aid concealed under long hair). I was trying to get things going a bit faster production-wise so that I could f*ck off early. She didn't respond to a single command I gave. This naturally wound me up and on the sixth attempt to ask for the allen key I looked up and roared at her "Are you f*cking deaf or what?" She can lip-read that's for sure.
(quedge, Tue 9 Jan 2007, 15:49,
Reply)

Market Barkers
..In Newcastle there used to be a Sunday market on the quayside and one week I set off there to buy some new jeans.

As I was wandering around my attention was attracted by some guy on a stage who was giving his spiel about the wondrous goods he was selling. As he seemed to have attracted a large crowd, I hung around on the edge and listened to him. And became spellbound.

Everything he was selling seemed like an amazing, too-good-to-be-true bargain. There were delicate pottery figurines that he assured us were selling for £200 in the big stores and he was *giving them away for a mere fiver. There were rare African carvings that he *guaranteed* could be found on the Antiques Roadshow for several hundred pounds and he was knocking them out for only a tenner.

The list of goodies he was selling at amazing prices just went on and on. And, he confidentially assured us, the reason he could sell at this price was that all of his stock *might* have fallen off the back of a lorry and he had to get rid of it as soon as possible. Or at least before the real owners realized it was missing.

I was sucked in. Mesmerized.

I eventually got home having failed to buy the jeans I needed but proudly clutching my bargains-of-a-lifetime. I was looking forward to my family's amazement at my bargaining prowess. I burst into the house and showed them my new goodies.

Driving test also
Was my 3rd time and I had to do it in a car that I hadn't practiced any manouvers in before. It was surprisingly easy and proved that an Astra Estate car has a much smaller turning circle than the new mini. Anyway... after what I considered to be a really good exam, bar the examiner swearing constantly because he thought it would "relax" me, I still got a fail!

I called him a "fat cunt" as he got out of the car, then wrote a letter of complaint and got a free retest.

Unfortunately I never got the retest and my theory has run out for the 2nd time! So I need to spend another load of money on that fucking thing too!

at the time of writing this
i have just discovered that i have been unceremoniously kicked out of my maths class due to failing my AS pure maths resit by 30% percent i needed 40% to pass but got 10% which is a whole 22% less than first time i tried. so now i'm armed with nail bombs and my mp9 bb gun and I'm going to show my ex tutor how to fail at life.
(branflakes, Tue 9 Jan 2007, 15:15,
Reply)

Having...
stayed awake for 42hrs due to various courseword deadlines, travelling from Scunthorpe to Kingston, and pub drinking (alot) the strangest place i feel asleep has got to Burnham Beeches in this pitch black at 11pm last night...i was so scared....

Flossie knocker-not her real name!
I'd just sold my house and flossie took ahold of me between sale & purchase....i failed to spot her alcoholism-even tho' she passed out at lunchtime on a spanish trip.bulimia-tho' I did find her toothbrush in her bag-when reaching for fagsher inability to not shag my mates-even tho' one kept calling me on a worknight to go for a beer-the bastids way of ensuring I was oput and he could shag the floss....her thieving-only little items like me cash.the lies, fibbing, distortions, what the f ever.mostly: I failed to spot this for over a year!

and I failed to keep my dignity when I ended it-she was a good shag-even if I was blubbing it was all over while vinegaring........
(mickturateif i could be arsed i'd be bored, Tue 9 Jan 2007, 15:06,
Reply)

being a grown up with a proper job
many of my friends did "vocationally useless" arts/social science degrees in the 1980s, thought about it for a bit then went back and retrained as teachers/lawyers/social workers etc ... what did i go back and do? magazine journalism (in london) ... then moved home to scotland which has no magazine industry to speak of ... my first job was with a corporate communications agency that wasn't making any money ... so less than 3 months after me joining it "merged" with another agency that struggled on for another 18 months, in turn, before it went tits up because of rank bad management (leaving all staff redundant) ... at that point (20/20 hindsight) i should have moved back to london but it didn't even occur as i was attempting to "forge a life" with my then partner in edinburgh (who dumped me a couple of years later) ... over the last decade i've been scrambling a living (sometimes good, sometimes woeful) in a fairly conservative economic environment (= scotland) and i think 2007 might be the year to get out ... although i'll probably stay ... and continue to fail at being a grown up with a proper job

EXAMS
Why o Why did you have to pick this week to talk about failure, dont you bastards know its exam time for all us uni students and A-levellers!! I have 7000 words to write for monday AND i have a new xbox...its just not going to happen!

I also once failed a year 9 music exam by getting 4%, go me!
(lithium, Tue 9 Jan 2007, 14:58,
Reply)

maths
i once got 0 in a maths test, i'd only just joined the school and hadn't covered the stuff the test was on in my previous school,but was oddly proud coz i'd never got 0 in a test before (or since).still hate maths tho.
(fuck_a_duck, Tue 9 Jan 2007, 14:46,
Reply)

Attacked by a horse
Well you certainly sound like a failure to me, Olga.Did I say how I failed a driving test because I was attacked by a horse?I was about to perform a reverse-around-a-corner, one of my best stunts, when a horse came galloping down the hill towards me:"I'm going to pause a moment because of this horse"."Drive to the conditions as you see fit"."OK well I really think I should stop"."Drive to the conditions as you see fit"."OK well I'll stop, look its rearing up on its back legs"."Drive to the conditions as you see fit"."It's ever so close, perhaps I should try and drive away?."Drive to the conditions as you see fit".When at the end of the test the examiner put on his sad face and said "I'm afraid you haen't passed this time" I said "did I not drive to the conditions as i saw fit?", he replied "you forgot to indicate when you came out of the test centre". Cosmic.
(browserstill relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Tue 9 Jan 2007, 14:29,
Reply)

at least i tried
I have failed the following:

to pass my a-levels in the standard two years (it took me three with a change of subjects).

to pass my degree in the standard three years (it too me 5 with two changes of course).

to hand in one of my final dissertations on time to obtain my 2:1 (which was necessary to regain some respect from my family), so I took home a desmond.

After graduating I did mannage to get a job, however after a year it all went a bit tits up and I had to drag myself back to my parents where I have failed to not be unemployed for over 4 months now.

I did pass my driving test, but failed to send off for my actual licence, so I guess I'm doing that again at some point.

I also fail to be supported my my mothers constant verbal abuse, as she spends the majority of any conversation she has with me telling me how I've failed as a daughter and human being.

I often fail to not cry myself to sleep as I am failing to see the point of it all.

I have failed to be not self-indulgent here, but it feels better getting all this off my chest.

First test - lets go down the M5 south
So many tests backed up at the driving centre they had to draft in help form other test centres and retrieve old examiners from retirement - I got a retiree from another area.He directed me toward the M5 south. Obviously I realised if I followed his direction I would be doing 70 surrounded by lorries so I didn't follow his directions. He failed me.
(SiouxfanI'm not staring at you, I am just short sighted, Tue 9 Jan 2007, 13:49,
Reply)

I failed my IT GCSE coursework
I got 3/100 for spelling my name right apparently.

2nd test stalled, trying to go up a steep hill in third gear, instead of first.

3rd, it was raining and some little kiddy decided to jump infront of the car, perfect emergency stop, but failed for venting my rage out the window at the cheeky scamp!

I still, to this day, do not know how I passed GCSE maths!
(42Loves Teh Funphenschnaffles, Tue 9 Jan 2007, 13:40,
Reply)

I recall
something about "try and find the little man in a canoe".

I spent so long by the canal that she'd pissed off home by the time I got back...
(Bicycle Repairman"you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 9 Jan 2007, 13:35,
Reply)

first fingerings
I failed to understand that the term 'fingering', which was bandied about during my adolescence, did not have the literal meaning I ascribed to it. So when I finally managed to get within striking distance of a lady's parts (aged 15, both of us) I attempted to pleasure her by inserting and then extracting my finger with all the digital dexterity and passion of picking my own nose. I presumed she was frigid when she didn't moan and writhe and beg to swallow my length. I was to be another six years after that before I even saw a clitoris and got on better terms with it. Even now I fail to see the immeasurable distinction between 'hard' and 'too hard'. I've got frickin' RSI trying to do it right.
(frankspencer, Tue 9 Jan 2007, 13:31,
Reply)

Utterly failed to keep my dignity
When my first proper g/f unceremoniously dumped me slap bang in the middle of the college smoking area, slap bang in the middle of my exams, I was instantly struck with a major case of "shrivelled ego" and the sense of utter perplexed incredulity which invaded my mind once the initial savagery of the blow that was her declared wish to be single again sank in. Dammit, it had been three months, which was practically a lifetime and although my sense of dignity demanded that I would respond with nonchalant contempt should she ever have a change of heart and attempt to worm her way back into my affections, I did yearn for the opportunity at least.

This opportunity actually presented itself quite soon after the dumping took place, as my pal had arranged a house party in his parents absence. He'd made the fatal mistake of posting flyers all over the college beforehand and naturally one of these fell into the posession of my teutonic ex.

"I'm not going if HE is going!" declared ex with a hint of clipped germanic tones in her voice.

"I'm not going if SHE is going!" declared I, with a shakiness to my voice which betrayed the unholy partnership of sorrow and longing which pierced my very soul upon overhearing the above.

Within sixty seconds of arriving at said party, I was shotgunning cans of lager in the back garden as the thought of bumping into my brand new ex fortified with some (royal) dutch courage in my veins was preferable to stammering a sentance sounding suspiciously like "meh" when I would inevitably bump into her. I mean, what could possibly go wrong? How could her heart not be melted by the very same boyish charms which got me her phone number in the first place?

Oh dear...

For starters, I was not only disgracefully drunk (and also a rank amateur at this new sport), but also overcompensating big time. I decided it would be funny to grab one of the imitation antique firearms from the living room wall, squeeze a stocking over my head and run into the kitchen shouting "this is a raid". Unfortunately, none of the partygoers had a stocking, so I used a condom instead. Not only that, but I had attempted to run through a set of patio doors... You can probably figure the rest out.

"This is a fu... gggghhhnn!"

Once the dizziness and buzzing noise in my head subsided I found myself on my backside with blood dribbling down my nose and bits of shredded latex all around me.

Instead of going home, which was the sensible thing to do, I carried on shotgunning beer (I was probably on my fourth can of 3.2% by now) and soon began to lose my sense of balance, falling down the stairs from the lavatory. Whos ankles break my fall? Yep.

I still recall that look of undisguised distaste with a wince and occasionally manage it myself when I step in something deeply unpleasant. Can't say I blame her really. I think I vaguely remember the somewhat terse use of the word "arsehole" as she damn near goose-stepped over my sprawled frame en route to the ladies powder room.

The irony? Despite my monumental lack of grace, I actually caught the eye of two different lady partygoers who were both being utterly blatant (they admitted as much the following day) but such a display of subtlety had flown clear over my head, which proves that even in the worst of situations, you can always find people with apalling judgement of character.

As for the ex... Well, we never spoke again during two years of college and she eventually emigrated to the fatherland, however eight years later I did run into her in a local bar when she was back for the weekend and she managed a polite smile and a "hello". Strangely, not long after then I bumped her younger brother after a night out who gave me a lift home and said the immortal words "my mum always said you were the nicest guy my sis ever brought home".

I should have stuck with "Meh"
(Bicycle Repairman"you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 9 Jan 2007, 13:27,
Reply)

Bugger Off Will You?!
I have consistently failed for weeks to tell the preaching religious twunts that have stood for weeks opposite my office shouting biblical ramblings at passers by to feck the hell off.
(NJ, Tue 9 Jan 2007, 13:20,
Reply)

er, not my own story, but worth it:
Mr P. Br*wn better known as Crasher, (obvious chemical imbalance reasons)an anarchist of the finest order, whilst at Portsmouth Poly decided to write on his political theory paper:'what right do you have to examine me'didn't get a firstnor a desmondbut got to redo his third yearfine man, now works there as a Tech. I believeCrash, I hope Lif is good for you!
(mickturateif i could be arsed i'd be bored, Tue 9 Jan 2007, 13:15,
Reply)

Got absolutely, pathetically
mediocre grades at GCSE level, Straight bastard C's, Oh, well, aside from the bloody dramatic failures in Electronics (Because I'm too cack handed to handle a file, A FILE! in Electronics! I ask you...) and History (I was frequently chucked out the bloody room for informing our hideous, gerbil-faced hiefer-arsed bitchcunt of a teacher that Dictating from a textbook and having us scribe our own "Handouts" for the whole hour was completely, straight up moronic)

having been accepted to CHS's prestigious 6th form, (My school was such a bag of wank it actually let me in with them grades) and quit Psychology in a huff, replacing it with a year of RE instruction at AS level, Pretty much to keep me on the books as a full time student.

I managed to grab an A in English at AS, which dropped to a B by A level, for Media Studies (Don't laugh) I got a D at AS, due to doing a newspapery type thing rather than one of the shite films my mates did, which was raised to a C at A level, pretty much soley due to achieving an absolutely fucking blinding victory in the exam by not having got any sleep the night before, and having read Niomi Klein's excellent "No Logo" hoping to pass out from boredom, but winding up engrossed.

First year of uni I got a five grand loan which I proceeded to spend on drink, fags and comics. (I was by this time, and remain, a social leper, So I spent quite a lot of time reading Hellblazer alone and pissed. Did I mention I live at home? I was offered a place in Colchester, but sacked it off to remain in Scouseland, because at the last moment my mate was close to tears at all of his other mates fucking off to far-flung (Well, as far flung as us residents of shitty Liverpudlian outlying scumholes (Bootle and Seaforth, respectively) can envisage, Meaning Newcastle or London, So I consoled him by taking my UCAS "Second Choice")

Course actually turned out to be awesome, We got to do trashy cyberpunk novels and Microserfs and stuff on western Magick, But of course I bollocksed it all up and now i'm repeating that same year, And doing equally shite due to being completely devoid of the ability to plan, or the will to move anymore. Loan all gone, Seem to be unemployable (Have applied for several shelf-stacking posts, only to be knocked back, Maybe I just have an aura of "Monumental Fuckup" about me)

So far I have "Dated" a girl who turned out to want to be a bloke, who right now remains my closest friend and confedante, despite our mutual antipathy for each other, A terminally ill woman older than my mother, (We sort of drifted apart as she and I realised my dating a terminally ill 43 year old married chick was a bit soft of me, really) And a circus midget (Not really, But it's all i'm missing)

So yes, in short I have no idea what the toss i'm going to do with my life, But it better require no qualifications and be open to lecherous, terminally lazy cunts of negligable talents, including social skills, who whine incessantly.

I guess what I want is a job sobbing, wanking, reading "The Bell Jar" and finally wanking some more.

Apololologies for length and shite,

PS. I don't find Jimmy Carr *That* intolerable, but then i'm seriously addicted to Panel shows. He's gotten a few lulz from me in the past I guess. I mean he's not the best "Comedian", if you can call him that, But there's plenty of cringe-inducing arses on TV, such as Jade fucking Goodie, My distaste for her probably stemming from her succeeding, accruing wealth, getting a book out and shite while basically being famous for being a vacuous, loud knobhead, to be honest, But no less valid for it's stemming from jealousy
(Slyph, Tue 9 Jan 2007, 12:54,
Reply)

Completely failing to pull
Completely failed at pulling a bloke I'd fancied for ages when I finally got an opportunity!My 18th birthday, out on the lash in Stockton (big up the downstairs of the Talbot - ah, memories!!). Half the pubs had some kind of power cut so not much draught beer/lager available - so we went on the barley wine as our aperitif. After consuming many many barley wines amongst other drinks in several pubs we ended up on 'The Boat' floating nightclub (I led a classy social life then!). I met a guy I'd fancied for ages but hadn't stood a chance with in the past … and he was talking to me … bliss, happy f'ing birthday, Norma!! However, the slight movement of the boat combined with mixing my drinks (well, I was young & stupid(er) in those days) meant an upward shift in my liquid consumption. I was homing in for a kiss when …. oh dear. I chucked up the lot - down his front. Not the most compelling or attractive way to pull! His shirt, jeans & shoes were covered, and there was even some floating in his pint glass!

I'm utterly failing...
...to concentrate on resolving a complex client query because I am distracted by some rather deliciously filthy emails from a lady, which bode well for a highly satisfactory weekend.
(Bicycle Repairman"you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 9 Jan 2007, 10:33,
Reply)

School exams and life generally
I failed virtually everything at school, in the days in the 70's where you were told what to learn rather than taught. I can't speak English, know anything about history or geography, they scrapped domestic science (how stupid is that - most women now in their 20's can't cook) failed Maths and took English 4 times to try and stay at college. Not to be. I can speak fluent french though and got A-levels in Music and Art. Ho hum....

Failed driving test first time. Instructor was so fat he hardly could sit in the passenger seat and the examiner was Hitler.

Failed to get full custody of my daughter through family interference.

Yes, I'm a failure
I fail to see anything funny about Jimmy wankstick Carr. Maybe if he put a tyre round his neck, filled it with petrol and set it alight I could laugh heartily and be a success once again.
(manky-frankieWhat I lack in skill, I also lack in intelligence., Tue 9 Jan 2007, 10:27,
Reply)

I failed to laugh at Little Britain
It's just the same jokes recycled every week and they weren't even funny the first time.
(lolwhites, Tue 9 Jan 2007, 10:21,
Reply)