Everything you need to know

I just met this cute girl, but I don’t know anything about her. Do you have any tips on Facebook stalking?

Sincerely,
In pursuit

Dear IP,

True Facebook stalking is an art. It has everything — the thrill of the hunt, the joy of discovery, and the vindication of silently judging someone for what they do in their photos. First off, I’m going to have to assume you have this girl’s first name and the school she goes to. In both cases you want to search for her name and her school as the network.

Once you get to her page, everything depends on her privacy settings. Many people try to block most things from strangers, but there’s always something that slips through. For example, most people block their photos, but they forget to block photos other people have added.

Facebook has recently introduced a new tool that makes stalking even easier — “See Friendship.” Is some guy constantly writing on her wall? You can find out by simply clicking “See Friendship.” You can browse photos of the two of them together and see all of their wall posts, and mutual friends. You can see if he’s a competitor or just some creepy stalker.

Don’t send her creepy messages,

Patrick Hoskins

Dear Hoskins Brothers,

Jon Stewart is like unto a god. How can I convince him to father my child?

Sincerely,Daily Show girl

Dear DSG,

I see you just got back from the Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear. Congratulations: you are one of over 200,000 people in love with Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. Did you make a hilarious sign? I bet it was so funny Jon noticed it all the way from the stage. He’s sure to appreciate you going all the way to D.C. just to profess your love. That’s totally sane.

Sadly, Jon Stewart is happily married, so I don’t think he’ll be able to have your love-child. He may be in need of a mistress, but if he’s anything like some other famous New Yorkers, she’s going to be a prostitute. I can’t “technically” encourage you to be a prostitute because it’s “illegal” and “immoral” and “disgusting.” I’m just saying it wouldn’t hurt your chances. The key is to master the art of his native New Jersey seduction. Learn how to beat the beat and be willing to be punched in the face, à la Snookie. She knows where it’s at.