Ugh, Your Mom Made You Lug All Those Shitty Gifts Back to Gainesville?? Here’s What You Can Do

Another winter break has come and gone in Gainesville, meaning another disappointing Christmas is in the books. Students are streaming back to the Swamp ready to try to survive another semester laden down with all the garbage “gifts” that their friends and family got them this year. Aunt Karen got you an FSU sweatshirt that you then had to lug back to your dorm, but she’s old and senile you couldn’t break her heart. What do you do with it now? We’ve got a few ideas:

5.) Throw them from DNA Bridge at FSU slugs driving back to Tally:All those arrogant soflo kids who thought it would be “cool” to miss the first day of class are headed back to school right now. What would make for a better welcome to Gator Country for them than some cheesecake splattered all over their windshield that your cousin made you? (The woman knows you’re lactose intolerant, but insists you love her graham cracker crust.) This may not be, strictly speaking, “safe” or “legal”, but oh well. Just make sure your aim is good and you have a good getaway driver.

4.) Light em’ up. There’s nothing warmer than a dumpster fire:What the dirty worn-down houses and apartments around campus lack in curb appeal, they make up for in lack of insulation. It got cold as shit in Gainesville over break, and winter is just starting so be prepared for icicles in your nose and frosted eyelashes. Lucky for you, that that itchy, wool sweater Granny knitted for you just so happens to be flammable (woohoo!). A little lighter fluid and a match and you’ll be able to feel your toes again.

3.) Use them as an offering to the football gods:Lay all the gifts you have no use for in the middle of the field. Draw a pentagram around them with the chalk Uncle Mike bought you. (Chalk, Mike? Really??) Then, perform a ritual offering to the football gods to make the 2018 season better than this last one. It’s a straight forward process. Plus, there’s no way Dan Mullen won’t love a pile of kids’ toys and clothes that were cool in 2008.

2.) Offer them to your professors as bribes:That one uncle you don’t even know the name of got you something weird again. Now you may know better, but your professors (who you also don’t know the name of) may not, and that presents an opportunity. Stop by office hours and just casually slip your professor a gift or two. Just mention that it’s a late Christmas present and you’ll be golden for the semester.

1.) Pawn them off on a freshman who still has no idea what’s going on:Don’t kid yourself; money was what you really wanted for Christmas anyway. By selling the stuff you didn’t want, you’re just helping those people that tried and failed to get you what you wanted. You’re thoughtful, not cheap, duh.

Worse comes to worst, just throw it all away. It’s 2017 junk anyway, so just forget about it. We in 2018 now boyyyy.