Thursday, May 29, 2008

In The Middle...

http://www.myspace.com/jonathandavidhelser

Listen to the song, "In The Middle" by Jonathan David Helsner.

Why? Because this song will rock your world just as it is mine.

I cannot help but listen to this beautiful song of truth, especially at such a trying and difficult time in my life. I love the lyrics because they minister to me God's love, His promises, and so so much more.

"....in the middle of my mess....You never leave..."

How amazing is that?!? I believe it is Isaiah 41:10 that talks about God's promise to never leave us nor forsake us. God cannot lie, and He cannot go back on His Word, according to the book of Hebrews, so we have to trust that when He says He will never leave us nor forsake us, well by golly, He won't!

This is such a hard lesson for me to learn right now, though. I have been fighting so many lies and horrible and plain old demonic mindsets about myself and especially about God, His love, and about others and how they see me. A couple of weeks ago, I even came to this horrible "conclusion" that I am unloveable. My heart has and continues to cry out in desperation to be loved, respected, and not hurt and rejected all of the time. I praise God that He alone can meet this need and desire with 100% perfection. Why? Because He is a perfect and amazing God, and He IS the definition of love.

I struggle so much with seeing myself as beautiful, loved, wanted, needed, desired. I am learning that once again tough lesson to not put my confidence in man, but in the Lord, as I believe it says in Psalm 118. I mean, let's face it, I have gone through alot of hell in my 26+ years of life, but one thing I can say about each time, God never left me. Despite the fact that it has seemed like I was all alone, and I will admit, that's how I feel many times right now, it's simply a lie.

Despite the painful, but very very good healing process that I have been going through for such a long time, I have been walking through other trials and tribulations in my life in which it seems like I cannot "see the light at the end of the tunnel," as many would say. Ever since I returned to Europe, I have been battling physical health problems, which is not like me. It has scared me these past few months because I haven't had these type of problems for years...mostly since I was a teenager. I have been undergoing new things, new "problems" in which I had never dealt with before, and that is painful....in many ways. However, in the midst, I had a good friend tell me the other night that God's Word is true. If His Word says that By His stripes, we are healed (which it does!!), then we need to claim it!

For me, it comes down to a faith issue. I have been blown away by people coming up to me throughout my almost 12 year-walk with the Lord, and they have said, "Jess, you are really a woman of faith." My stomach turns everytime I hear this because I am thinking, "Are you on crack? WHAT faith?" There is so much in this life that I will never understand, and one of those things is the greatness, awesomeness, and sovereignty of God. All I can tell you is that He IS great. He IS amazing. He IS sovereign.

This week specifically, I have been battling many issues with rejection and hurt, especially in the area of relationships. I look down the road, and I do not see "the solution" in sight. So, I have gone to my entrusted friends and loved ones, and each other has said, "Jess, it is time to trust God." Me? Trust God? From this, I had some thoughts about God, and how I look to Him....may times as surreal. Sure I can read the Bible, I can pray, and I can encourage others in their faith, but what do I really believe? In the end, things in my life DO seem to fall into place, many times not in the way that I expected or hoped (which wasn't as good as God's plan and design anyway), but I just get so overwhelmed that this "invisible" God has orchestrated all of this on my behalf.

A good friend told me the other day that if I cannot love my brother or sister, how can I love an "invisible" God? This question (and challenge) blew my mind. What does it mean to love? What does it mean to forgive? Am I doing both? Am I exercising them enough? Maybe...maybe not. Either way, God is speaking to my heart to love. Even when I am hurt and rejected and "thrown to the curb", still....love.

So, in the middle of it all, He never leaves. Why? Because He loves, and He IS love. God cares for us so much that He gave His only Son for us. I cannot imagine doing this. It's hard for me to sacrifice little things sometimes, and to think that this amazing and incredible God gave His only Son so we could have communion and fellowship with Him just blows my mind.

Today, I am challenging myself (and you) to allow God's love flow through your heart onto others. There may be people in your life, close or not so close, who you just find it SO difficult to love and accept them. That's okay. If you're allowing HIS love to flow through you, then you cannot go wrong. From experience, however, I have learned that when we try to love and to give all of ourselves with our own strength, we get overwhelmed, we give up, and we fail. It happens everytime.

Make a choice to love today. Make a choice to let yourself BE loved today. Read 1 Corinthians 13 again and again and meditate on what love really is. Ask God for new and fresh revelation of His love for you. Meditate also on 1 John 4. You can't go wrong when you do this because by His Spirit, He will meet you where you are, and He will prove His love to you again and again....He actually already has. Look to the cross, and you will never be the same again.