Gosh, so much turmoil in such a short life. Iím really sorry. Where were your parents during this time? How is your relationship with them?

I ask because he wouldnít have gotten in to begin with had you learned a healthy sense of self, you sound fully aware what he did was abuse yet you accepted it and begged for his love, that goes very deep, so where did all this start?

The blame canít be places completely on him because even if you take him out the equation somethings not connecting emotionally.

Iím sorry you went through that and it may not seem like it but he did you a huge favor, you are so so much better off.

You now have to learn what healthy looks like because as of now it sounds like healthy is not appealing to you.

I have a good relationship with my parents now.. I didnt back then. As I said, they knew something was going on but never spoke to me about it or ask if I was okay. My younger brother told me when he used to hear me crying my parents would tell him to leave me to it and things like that. I believe if they had said something to me about it, then I wouldve felt in an stronger position to leave but I guess they didnt care enough.
My parents aren't very loving but I know they do love me, I guess that's probably why I'm not a very loving person either.
I agree with you, I dont find healthy relationships attractive.. I feel as though I crave the 'passion' that was in my abusive relationship and I realised how messed up that sounds but I guess that's why i need to seek help.
Thanks for your advice it means a lot