Sass & the City: Public restrooms have issues

That's what happens these days when you're trying to wash your hands in a public restroom.

Why do they have to make it so difficult? It's as if the people who design automated public restroom faucets and hand dryers are actually trying to mess with you.

Case in point: those stupid timer faucets. You know the ones. You push the button and you have like a nanosecond to wash and rinse your hands before the thing automatically shuts off.

Those things give up as much water as a team of trapped miners sharing a tenth of a bottle of Aquafina.

Another lame design is the faucet that requires you to wave your hand in front of it in order to turn it on. You practically have to play rock-paper-scissors in front of this faucet to get it to dribble a few drops of H20 on your hands.

That faucet must be a direct descendant of the automated paper towel dispenser, which also operates in response to hand motions. Sometimes.

You can't just casually wave your hands in front of this paper towel dispenser's sensors. You pretty much have to do the "Harlem Shuffle" to have even a prayer of getting a paltry scrap of paper out of it.

Then we have the two extremes of electric hand dryers.

First, there are the old ones that blow a weak stream of tepid air. They are so ineffective that you can practically dry your hands faster by taking a deep breath and blowing on them.

Only slightly less exasperating are the new-style dryers, which work with so much heat and velocity that they practically melt the French off your manicure.

And beware of the blowback if you put your face too close to the dryer nozzle.

I watched a woman take a blast of hot air to the face that was so strong that it blew a contact lens out of her eye and ricocheted it off the soap dispenser.

It would have been washed down the sink if the other patron had been able to get the motion-sensitive faucet to turn on.

Where's a moist towelette packet when you need one?

Follow Monica on Twitter at twitter.com/sassnthe city or e-mail her at lewis.427@hotmail.com.