A smile can be a genuine reflection of contentment and polite acknowledgement. For me, however, it is a protective barrier that keeps the world at an arm’s length--a neutral mask rarely revealing true turmoil. No one needs to know when I’m afraid, sad or having a tough time. Few know what it looks like when the mask is down. My battles are kept internal, never wanting to be the source of negative energy. This series results fromfear of what happens to someone who keeps everything inside.

Containment is a reflection of my hidden pessimism—an opportunity to see dashed dreams and waning hope peaking from behind a happy-go-lucky façade. A chance to see the self-inflicted war waged against myself while telling the world everything is okay.

This image was an attempt to start building and constructing for my final project. I feel like I am running out of time as far as my thesis goes so I wanted to use this project as another way to explore an idea I had. This image reflects the constructed element my thesis but adds in bottles of self portraits printed on transparency paper and submerged in oil. It still needs work though, which I hope I can work out during my final.

The first thing that comes to mind is how hard I am on myself. I put myself through the ringer when it is not required because I have the bar set extremely high. When I don’t reach it, I feel like a failure, no matter the situation.

I define a psychological portrait as one that forces the viewer to think more about the mental and emotional aspects of the image. For me, it is dark and definitely negative. Conceptually, it makes a statement about the state of mind of the artist.

My first idea was a reflection of myself while doing a long exposure. I wanted the blur of a long exposure to capture my emotional turmoil. My second idea was to use my proposal for my final project by photographing a tumultuous image of myself and place it in a bottle, then re-photograph it in a tough environment. My final idea is to do a multiple exposure where I’m fighting myself. That is the idea I essentially went with.

My image depicts how hard I am on myself. I am my own worst enemy. It is how I have been able to develop a thick skin; I beat myself up worse than anyone else ever could.

That last idea sparked an artist for me, Claude Cahun. I loved that image because she looked like she is judging herself.

I hate pretty much every part of my body but especially my belly, back fat and breasts. There is way too much of each and I pray for them to go away so I can feel fit and normal. So deciding which part to focus on was difficult. I immediately thought of my favorite photographer, Irving Penn, and his nudes of larger women. Those images remind me a lot of how I see myself. Therefore, I chose to photograph my breasts. So many girls say they would love to have them, but they don't realize how heavy they are. My back hurts, I have stretch marks, and it's really hard to buy tops of any sorts without looking like I'm wearing a tent. I've considered a breast reduction because even when I lose wight, they don't go anywhere. I shot them many different ways, but decided on a shot when I'm turning away, as well as a more abstract shot and out them together as a diptych. The images are beautiful to me and they reflect my style. I loved my breasts in my twenties when I was more superficial and skinnier. I just wanted to beautiful. Now, in my 30s, I don't really care. I just want to be happy.

I did this image based on the "Yellow Wallpaper" reading. For my image, I chose to shoot at my house with my face coming out of it. I hate my house. It's old, smelly, and falling apart. As a result of me hating it, it is where I feel trapped and often depressed. It is the worst place for me to be when I'm feeling down. That's why I shot the image. I considered doing other things: first, I wanted to go the literal route and do something with yellow and a wall or curtain. I immediately dismissed that idea as boring. Then, I wanted to do something where I blended into the wall of one of the rooms in my house. I definitely don't have the Photoshop skills for that. So I kept it simple with the house. I'm happy with how it turned out--it's subtle.

This week I worked on my benign images for my series "White Girl". I shot myself brushing my teeth and resting on the sofa. These are both things that can , in no possible way, have a cultural connotation but I have forced it. I have essentially tainted the sanctity of simple activities by forcing the words "white girl" onto my images. It is my way of pushing the ridiculousness of the statement.

For this "no face" assignment, I created an image as a part of my secondary project for another class. The project is called "Turmoil" and each image is in a square "confined" frame. I chose a very "Weston-like" pose that focused on body shape. I posed in a way that reflected a shielding position--trying to protect from all that is outside of the box. I'm very happy with the image. This was not my usual way of working. My process for making this image was to make myself appear to be naked, stripped bare to focus on the emotion. It was uncomfortable, at first, to try to express something so raw by using my body. I'm not comfortable with my body so this was quite an uncomfortable for me.

My first attempt at the "back of the head" image was me peering over a cliff edge, almost like I was about to jump. It didn't quite come out the way I wanted, so I decided to shoot something new.

I chose to shoot myself against a white wall while wearing a geometric short with my hair down. I wasn't quite sure if Connie just wanted to see the back of our heads, or if she wanted something a bit more creative. The second attempt is a more simple and clean image, which is my style; the shirt tells specifically what I like with out me having to actually say it.

At an early age I was exposed to a derogatory statement that would change how I viewed myself forever. It was through a family member that I became painfully aware that my skin color was supposed to dictate how I sounded when I spoke. Speaking properly disqualified me from being an African American because only “white people” were allowed to sound educated. This series is the result of years of trying to make sense of a statement and realizing that ignorance simply doesn’t make sense.

Does it make me a white girl because I like sushi and Starbucks lattes? Skin color is a result of DNA, so how does it get to dictate what music I am allowed to listen to or how I wear my hair. Each image in this series presents a very specific, everyday situation and asks: if one’s skin color determines their actions, where does it end?

The two images above were additional images that are still being worked on and will eventually become a part of the series.

So for this week, we were told to go to a chemical photo booth, take some images and then manipulate them somehow. Unfortunately, I went to the Mechanical Museum in a very poor mood. I had an insane headache and the pinging of the various games along with the screaming children did not make it any better. As I waited for the people in the booth to finish, I looked at the images on the side of it. They were of people making silly faces or making out and I was determined that I was going into that box to do something creative! I had even brought a shear piece of fabric to play with. As I prepared my fabric and my money, I just wanted to get out of there. Such negative energy! Perhaps that is why that strip (on the far right) was a little lackluster.

After that first strip, I got rid of the fabric, but still didn't know exactly what to do. So I did the standard "mug shot" strip (second from the left). That inspired me to do more with my hair, like cover my face and move around to get blur (third and forth from the left). The final strip (first on the left) was just me continuing my efforts to cover my face. After each strip, I realized I was having a blast (even texting Connie to tell her so...lol). I found myself just enjoying being in the booth and the anticipation of what was going to come out.

The first way to manipulate these were to put the hair images in the right order. I never really thought through the order when I shot them, so reordering allowed me to tell a better story.

The story symbolizes emerging from darkness and negativity.

For my next manipulation, I focused on the one image that stood out to me as super negative among the fun and positive ones. At first, I felt like I wanted to focus on the negativity. So I made three new versions of the same image. For the first image, I just added texture to match the emotion. For the second, I inverted it to give it a toxic look. For the final image, I just converted it to black and white and increased the contrast to make it even darker.

After those manipulations, I just felt like I didn't want to focus on the negativity because I ended up having a really positive experience. So my way of getting rid of it was to bottle it up...literally. In a small jar of oil with a cork, I placed the image, printed on OHP transparency paper. It turned out well. You definitely get the feeling of being trapped and/or submerged.

For the last strip I shot, I really wanted to produce something that flowed through each shot to make the strip one big image. I decided to lay back and move up every time the strobe went off. Then, I just turned the strip on its side. This is my favorite strip because of the movement.

After looking at it though, I realized I shot it in the wrong direction; I should have started at the top and worked my way down. So for the first manipulation, I rearranged the image.

For the final manipulation, I decided to take advantage of the movement by overlapping the images to creating a "ghosting" effect.

This was, by far, the most entertaining assignment. I had a blast and will continue to explore the photo booth for other things. The jar portion of this presentation has also inspired me to continue with that as far as my thesis is concerned. I really want to see if I can take the figure out of the construction physically but put it back in the actual jar. Can't wait to try it out.

I was inspired to do my first image based on the opposite of one of the homework questions: What environment do you feel most comfortable? Those who know me well know that I am not a fan of nature. Even getting past the silly things, like the bugs and the poison oak fears, the is a deep and intense fear of nature. I think it comes down to threats I can't see. So for the first image, I took advantage of the large shadows the sun was creating to express this fear.

This week we read an article and watched a Ted Talk on photographer, Miru Kim. She does nude photography in various underground abandoned facilities. After reading the article, I thought about where she photographs and what my comfort level is with abandoned places. Before these images, I had never been to one until I went to Treasure Island this week. I was pretty comfortable being there because I knew we had permission and a permit, but I still couldn't help but feel like I was doing something wrong. What helped was the fact that I wasn't alone. We weren't able to get into any of the structures, although we really wanted to. I felt adventurous to try though, but mainly because I had someone with me. I can't imagine doing what Miru Kim does because had I been alone, I probably wouldn't have gone where I did. And she's naked when she does her work, again, something I would never do.

So my final three images are my way of showing my comfort level with the particular building I found. Alone, I would never go beyond what I photographed because I wouldn't feel safe. I also was attracted to the lines of the building as well as the shadows and damage.

The topic for this week was "awareness". For this assignment, I wanted to focus on the fact that I'm more aware, in general, now. I wanted to show that, especially after recently having a birthday, that I am completely aware of what I do and don't want out of life. I decided to use this week to focus on a thesis image. In the image, I want to show me on a powerful journey, compared to my other work where the figure looks sad and pensive. I wanted this figure to look strong and sure of herself. I placed boxes all around her to show that I'm aware of potential confining situations, but that I cannot be boxed in and held down. I was inspired by two things: last week's thesis shoot and a surprise visit from my mom.

Last week I shot a construction with pins all round the figure to tell a personal story of pain--never ending pain. I created that construction because I had a moment of awareness in how I wanted to deal with that person in the future. It was freeing. Creating that construction inspired the new image with the boxes because I realized that I no longer want to be the person in the construction with the pins.

Last week I shot a construction with pins all round the figure to tell a personal story of pain--never ending pain. I created that construction because I had a moment of awareness in how I wanted to deal with a family member in the future. It was freeing. Creating that construction inspired the new image with the boxes because I realized that I no longer want to be the person in the construction with the pins. This was freeing. This, and the fact that my mom popped up and surprised me , inspired my piece with the boxes. My mom is so strong. She raised me to be just as strong and to not give people the power to inflict so much pain. I am definitely more aware through this week's image.

This week's assignment focused on role-playing. I came up with a ton of really silly characters I wanted to try, but none of that felt right. After reading the article, I decided to focus on a more serious issue. Something that has bothered me since my childhood.

Every since I was younger, certain members of my family have referred to me as a "white girl". It was something that bothered me for a while until I realized how ignorant it was. They felt that because I spoke properly, enjoyed school, had long hair, etc., that I thought I was white. It took me years to realize that they were essentially saying African American girls couldn't be smart. That comment has continued to bother me over the years and has been a part of my photography as well. So I decided to create a series.

The image below is the first of the series. I wanted a subtle image, something simple and clean. I wanted to be doing something that no one really would think twice about, but it was something that would be classified as a "white girl" thing to do, according to certain family members. In the image, and in each image in the series to come, I want the words "white girl" in there somewhere, but not necessarily obvious. In my first attempt here, the words are out of focus but still in the foreground and easy to see. I'm looking forward to continuing the project. I think a strong statement will be made with a collection of these images.

I love the idea that my "role" is one that was essentially given to me by others.

For this first assignment, I wanted to play with the idea of light vs dark in reference to happiness. I wanted to create an image that was hopeful. I decided to take it one step further and cut the image apart into little blocks and then rebuild it. I struggled with with whether or not that additional process was necessary or if it would add anything to the image. In the end, the process of doing that meant a lot to me. It was sort of my opportunity to destroy the negativity that has disturbed my happiness and positive thinking and literally rebuild it, focusing on the hope. It also helped to represent that I don't regret the negative as it will continue to inform my life. It's still there, lingering, but I'm trying not to focus on it.

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