Friday, November 25, 2011

Originally published in 1998 in issue 13 of Married Punks. Caution: Do not read if you are easily disturbed. You have been warned.

William of the Farm

I first came across William of the Farm when he sent me a copy of his publication, Wild Revue for me to review. While animals don't turn me on, and watching people screw animals doesn't qualify as erection making material for me, I was quite fascinated with the fact that some people do get off on sex with animals.

In his publication, there are women talking about their first time with dogs and classifieds from men looking for women with dolphin tanks. It's a bizarre world that is hidden from mainstream eyes, and maybe that is for the best.

This interview isn't here to say that I approve or disapprove of bestiality. It is done merely to educate. Learn on, young soldiers!

Married Punks: What is your name, age, and how did you first become interested in females who love animals?

William of the Farm: I prefer not to provide personal information. I got interested in female bestiality way back in the '50s when I was in high school. There was a girl named Marie in my school who it was said to have made it with a Cocker Spaniel. She was sort of the class punching bag, although I never had any association with her. I did know a girl who was her friend. This girl and Marie had a contest to see who could take the most broom handle and Marie won at eight and a half inches. I later saw the Linda Lovelace dog films in the early 1970s, and then I remembered the high school stories about Maria.

MP: There was a similar story in my hometown about a guy named Ron and a cat, which leads me to my next question. How widespread is this sort of thing? Does it stereotypically fit in with the farming and country community, or does it reach into all corners of life?

WOTF: I think almost all women have thought about it at least once in their life. The old Kinsey statistics were that about five percent had some kind of animal contact, about two percent had actually done it with an animal and about one percent continued to do it. The German Hafner report done in 1992 showed that two to three percent of women had tried dog sex, and eighty percent of those who did continued to do it. I would guess at least twice these numbers is the case today. First, you have a generation of women who are not inhibited about taking sexual pleasure like their mothers were. A high percentage of these women are divorced, turned off by relationships, but they still have sexual needs. To them, using a dog is noo different than a vibrator.

MP: At one time, bestiality movies and books were fairly easy to obtain. That's not the case anymore. What brought this change about? Are their still new movies being made? If so, are they all strictly foreign, or do some come from America?

WOTF: The availability of bestiality sex films varies with the enforcement climate. They were readily available in the early 1970s. It was easier to prove a bestial film was obscene than a straight sex film, so enforcement suppressed them and they became real scarce. Then, as the enforcement relaxed, they became available (US) in the mid '80s. For some reason they were more available in Pennsylvania than other places at that time. Then came another period of repression. Then, as enforcement concentrated on kiddie porn, they have become more available. They are sold openly in New York City, but that is the only place I know of in the US. A lot of porn shops in the big cities have them, but they are under the counter.

There is almost no kiddie porn in the US today, but in order to keep the government kiddie porn enforcement group in existence, they resorted to creating kiddie porn and mailing it to targets, hoping to find something incriminating when they search the target's home after he gets his shipment from them. I haven't heard of this much lately. What they are doing now is labeling material kiddie porn if the subjects are dressed to look like minors. This is, again, creating something to repress so they can show they are enforcing public morals, and justify their budget. I think most of the current attention is on the Internet.

Almost all commercial bestiality material is done overseas, Holland being the main center for it. Some Iron Curtain material has been coming in since the Berlin Wall came down, and there is a lot of (poorly done) material from South America. The only US material is amateur stuff. The old Linda Lovelace dog films are still about the best US material.

MP: Describe to us your publication, and tell me why you decided to do it.

WOTF: Wild Revue is an art review, with focus on women animal art. I had collected a lot of art as well as adult material, and decided in 1991 to see if there was any interest in the subject. It is impossible to treat the subject without covering the pornographic material. You see the same themes in a high class painting and a Danish porn film, it is just the degree of explict sex that separates them. There was one painting that won Royal Academy raves that was almost identical to an earlier pornographic work. In the porn work, three girls are leading a bull to pasture, one is holding the penis and the bull has garlands around his horns. In the painting, they left out the girl holding the penis, put the other girl along side the bull so you can't see the penis, and called it "Rite of Spring." The garlands were retained. It was highly regarded as a piece of fine art.

MP: How many readers do you have? More male than female?

WOTF: About 800 readers for a typical issue, more male than female, but with a surprising number of women and couples.

MP: How do you find people interested in this?

WOTF: I suspect a lot of the women find it erotically stimulating, even though they would have no intention of trying it. The Nancy Friday books, Forbidden Flowers and Women on Top, both have examples of female bestial fantasies.

MP: Have you run into any legal troubles? If so, what has happened? Is your publication within the bounds of the law?

WOTF: We keep the revue strictly within the legal bounds. It is what I consider "R" rated. We avoid explicit, graphical sex depictions, but allow nudity. When people tell of their experiences, these are pretty explicit, but the Constitution allows this. We police the ads and tone down any that are too explicit.

MP: Have you ever had an experience with an animal?

WOTF: No, other than as an observer.

MP: I imagine that you have seen some strange things, even by your standards, which appear to more open than most people's. What is the strangest thing you've seen when it comes to bestiality.

WOTF: The strangest thing was a lady who was only interested in harmless snakes over four inches in diameter. I will leave the rest to your imagination. It is surprising to me that snakes are sexy to some women. We did a centerfold in issue number six of an "Eve" and her snake. The snake belonged to the model, and I have since met a stripper who has a big snake and uses it sometimes in her act. Snakes have a phallic symbolism that is more apparent to women than men.

MP: How do you think that the entire concept can become more open and acceptable to the mainstream? Do you even want that, or would it be better for it to remain essentially underground?

WOTF: I don't see any near term relaxation of the taboos, if anything we are going into a more repressive period. The only bright spot is that women seem to be choosing things for themselves, and more are saying what they do with their bodies is their own business.

MP: Is bestiality growing in popularity? If so, why do you think that is?

WOTF: Yes, with the risk of AIDS, many swinging couples are going to the dogs, rather than risk disease through contact with an infected male. This still lets the male in the couple get to see his mate well taken care of without the risk of disease. The AIDS virus can't live in a dog's body more than a few minutes, so there is essentially no risk. The same goes for most other human diseases, except for a few common to humans and dogs, but these are not encountered in a healthy dog.

MP: How can someone contact you for information on your publication?

WOTF: For information on Wild Revue, send a business sized SASE to Farm News/ PO Box [xxxxxx]/Orlando, FL [xxxxx]. If you include $10.00 we will send a sample copy. [Note: I am not including the full address as I have no idea if the publication is still being published.]

William was also kind enough to send me a list of videos that can be obtained from what he called a "reliable" source. These titles include Dog Sensation, Lesbian Dog Orgy, Mustang Explosions, Eel Fucking Sluts, Donkey Love and Get Me Dog. I'm not going to reprint the address because the people did not send it to me directly. If you want to know more about it, contact William.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

This review, the CD of which was sent for that purpose by Disturbing Records, was originally published in 1998 in issue 13 of Married Punks.

The C*nts A Secret History of ...

This is a limited edition, "best of" sort of thing from a garage band that's been around since 1977, though I never heard anything by it until now. I've obviously been missing out.

The opening song, "Abstract Salamander Dilemma," rips right out of the speakers and kicks this CD off properly. Other treasures include "Brian's Got an Axe," "Chemicals in the Mail" and "Hey Little Girl." Of course, there's a few duds, but they don't detract from the overall listening experience.

I've listened to this four times in three days, which I never do. I did that because I'm getting tired of the pop punk I'm sent all too often. Bands like this make me glad I listen to punk instead of alternative or radio crap.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Originally published in issue 13 of Married Punks in 1998. Fearless Records sent this to me for review.

Bickley Pogo Au Go Go

What is this? Songs about a drunk girl wanting to get urinated on, a slut teen who had sex with her father, and "retarded hookers with filed down teeth" make up some sort of lyrical content on this release. The core readers of this 'zine will get this release just because of that. Those aren't even the best songs, though.

My favorites happen to be "Down the Hatch," and the cover of Jawbreaker's "Box Car." The songs, I must add, are definitely better than the band's name. (I rank it with Sleater-Kinney and Team Dresch as being one of the worst band names in punk.) Fearless did the world a great service by re-releasing this punk slab o' energy. (It was originally on Paper Doll Records.) It's not the best release of the year, but it's worth repeated listenings.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Originally published in Married Punks #13 in 1998. Enjoy. This was sent to me for review purposes by Xplor Media/Homegrown Video.

Colours de Kiva

Hustler gives this high marks, so you know it's going to be good. Not only that, there's great goth-like music playing throughout the video, which is unlike the normal Xplor fare. So what is this?

It's Kiva having real orgasms. No, these aren't the fake ones like your girlfriend does, these are screaming, body shaking orgasms that just rip your VCR to shreds with their power.

Kiva is featured in all the scenes, of course, mostly alone, but sometimes with a man eating her or jerking off in her face. There are so many scenes, too, some with special effects, some without. Some are done outdoors, some in costume (a favorite is where Kiva masturbates while looking like Poison Ivy from The Cramps). She uses her hand, the shower head, and men's tongues (who get their heads squeezed hard when that magic moment arrives).

This tape will leave you breathless. Kiva is the real deal. She was a professional model, who is now deeply in the sex scene, and she has a brain. And, get this, these videos will appeal to women, too! Finally, something that doesn't make females feel embarrassed and intellectual guys feel like lechers for liking this stuff. Kiva, you kick ass like nobody's business!

Monday, November 21, 2011

This review of a CD sent by Epitaph for that, was first published in 1998 in issue 13 of Married Punks.

All Mass Nerder

True punk rock confession time: I've never really listened to All. There's a good reason, too: the name. All sounds like a hardcore band's name, and I always knew All wasn't hardcore. It's pop punk, a Descendants spin-off. I've been missing out.

From the first song, "World's on Heroin," I knew this would be great, and I was richtig. Hey, Milo gets into the act, too, so you know it'll be good, and you know the songs will be about lost love (in an especially mature song called "Silence"), twisted friendships, philosophy, and reputations.

Now I have to go spend more fucking money to catch up on all I've missed from this band.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Originally published in 1998 in issue 13 of Married Punks, this CD was sent to me by Hopeless records to review.

Against All Authority All Fall Down

I was happy to get this. I've heard good reports on this political/social punk/ska band, and all the reports were accurate.

Against All Authority, a name chosen because it pissed off people in school, covers all the bases from the media ("At Our Expense") to child abuse ("Daddy's Little Girl"), and does it in an energetic style that's more punk than ska.

The ska sound is present with just the right amount of horns in all the right places. I imagine that the horn breaks are used so that during a live show the singer can catch his breath.

There's not a weak song on here, but that doesn't suprirse me. I read they lyrics before listening to this and just knew that it was going to fuck shit up.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Originally was published in #13 of Married Punks in 1998. This was about a nationally televised incident of police brutality in Humboldt County.

It's Us Versus Them

"Conflict may be open or latent; but it always exists since the government does not pay attention to discontent and popular resistance except when it is faced with the danger of insurrection." -- Enrico Malatesta

To understand the conflict or outrage, one must first understand the problem. The problem, one that has been aired nationally on CBS and NBC, not to mention covered by the Associated Press, is simple: Humboldt County has two warring factions, environmentalists (in this case it's Earth First!) and capitalists. The two often clash, mainly due to environmentalists' efforts to stop the destruction of the Headwaters, an ancient forest geared for destruction by the Maxxam corporation. The police, as one would guess, serve the capitalists, which is Maxxam and, in this case, Representative Frank Riggs, an ex-cop and decidedly wishy-washy politician.

For those who missed the news at the end of October 1997, the Eureka Police Department and the Humboldt County Sheriff's Department tortured a few environmentalists (part of Headwaters Forest Defense), at least one of which was a minor. This was done after the group, which did include a man in a ski mask, stormed Riggs' Eureka office, scattered sawdust on the floor and placed a stump in the middle of the floor to which four females chained themselves around via metal sleeve devices that make it hard for police to unchain the women from each other. After several demands for the women to remove themselves, the police took it upon themselves to use pepper spray. One officer shot the spray directly into a female's eyes from about an inch away, while the other officers decided to just rub it on the other women's eyelids with cotton swabs.

"We're not torturing you anymore." -- An officer to a female protester in Riggs' office.

Webster's defines the verb form of torture as "to punish or coerce by inflicting excruciating pain." In the noun form it is "the infliction of intense pain especially to punish or obtain a confession." Torture is the right word to use in describing what these officers did. These "men" shot and rubbed pepper spray, which doctors have found to be dangerous in the fact that it can stop the heart, into the eyes of subdued, peaceful protesters.

Sheriff Dennis Lewis admits that the methods used were "something new." What he fails to admit is that they were a violation of the National Law Enforcement Policy Center, which states that, while the directives to use the pepper spray are left up to individual departments, it shouldn't be used at a range closer than two feet from the eyes. He also failed to admit that the makers of the pepper spray spoke out against its usage that way. Running protesters over with a car would be "something new" also, but it wouldn't make it right.

The defense that Riggs and his workers have given is that the females who worked in Riggs' office were scared for their lives. Riggs also called the protesters "terrorists" due to the fact that there was a flier that portrayed Earth First! showing sympathy toward the Unabomber. Earth First! calls the flier a fake, and says that it is another attempt to discredit the group. Riggs, of course, refuses to believe that. It should be noted that Earth First! has had a non-violence policy in place for years.

If the office workers were in fear for their lives, they didn't act like it. At the time of the protest there were no charges filed for assault though the workers later claimed they were pushed and threatened. The workers are also shown trying to keep the protesters from leaving the office by barring the door. It is said that one office worker even took photographs of the protesters for a "scrapbook." Hardly the actions of people fearful for their lives. There wasn't even any mention made of the "assaults" on the news the night the protest took place. Perhaps the workers were dumbstruck with fear. Perhaps they are liars. Either way, a lawsuit has been filed by the demonstrators, so perhaps the truth will come out.

"I'm not going to lose a whole lot of sleep about who is suing me." -- Eureka Police Chief Arnie Millsap

Eureka Police Chief Arnie Millsap's attitude toward the entire lawsuit, his bitterness toward the press he claims he can't trust, and his belief that he is being vilified shows just what is wrong with the Eureka Police Department and Humboldt County Sheriff's Department. Both feel that they do not have to answer to anyone, let alone the people they serve. They brush off any lawsuit as a mere annoyance, and threat the press like they do the people -- as enemies. The "us versus them" mentality of the police has led to this entire pepper spray incident and the subsequent lawsuit and FBI investigation. The police fail to grasp just how important this truly is, just like they fail to grasp law enforcement. This is not a Banana Republic. Oddly enough, though, some people in Humboldt County feel that it should be.

"Someone said that they should've cleared all the workers out of the building and just burned it down with the protesters inside. A guy in training for the CHP (California Highway Patrol) agreed." -- Humboldt State University student talking about a class debate on the subject.

For the most part, the citizens of Humboldt County seem to have mixed feelings on the subject. Strangely enough, some of the most vocal critics of the police's actions are current and ex-members of law enforcement. Dennis Smith, a law enforcement officer, said, "They could've waited them out. They could've done something else -- there's so many different things." Many people agree with Smith, but it is the ones who don't that have been saying some very scary things.

One logger said, "They should be able to use force of law a lot harsher than they do. The hippies get away with a lot more than they should." Adelle Hawks says that the police have to do "whatever they have to do to make them follow the law." Miriam Alley, a medical dispatcher, of all things, said that the police were justified because she thinks that "the county's had it with these tree-huggers." As sickening as their thoughts are, there were some that were humorous, which exemplifies the lack of understanding many of these police sympathizers have with our legal and political system.

Pat Foster, a person who has very little understanding of the Constitution and the right to protest, wrote a very amusing letter to the Times-Standard, in which Foster wonders why protesters don't have to "post a bond for all demonstrations." Essentially, Foster only wants those with money to protest because he/she is sick of the county's taxpayers picking up the tab. What Foster fails to realize is that the lawsuits brought against the county and its police because of their own stupidity and reckless disregard for the policy and law, could end up costing the county more money than any protest would. Perhaps Foster would agree that the police officers should have to put money out of their own pockets up front before they hurt or torture any protesters. That way, in lieu of a lawsuit, the police, and not the county's taxpayers, would pay for their own mistakes.

No matter what the outcome of the lawsuit is; no matter what the FBI finds -- there is still a problem. Things won't change. As long as there are police, there will be police brutality. As long as there are police, there will be torture of undesirables (blacks, women, gays, Mexicans, homeless, hippies, punks, communists, anarchists). As long as there are police, there will be abuses of power. As long as there are police, anyone who isn't white, visibly well-to-do, heterosexual and male had better be aware. If a police officer pulls you over and you are the least bit different, you have to understand that you may be beaten, shot or killed. You may be tortured. You may be falsely arrested. You may be raped. You may never be seen again. It's happened more than once.

It happens because the police have the mentality that it's them versus us, so we must take the same stance. The police have the law and weapons on their side. We can have weapons, too. We also have a voice, a voice that is especially vital now in an era where respect for the police has dropped dramatically due to their own brutality and dishonesty. Nobody likes a goon watching over them, and it's time to act accordingly.

Police brutality and torture didn't start with Watts. It didn't start with Rodney King. It won't end in Humboldt County, either. The police that tortured these protesters need to be taught a severe lesson, though. They need to be jailed or released into the community that they violated. As for the others, people aren't ready to give up the "security" of law enforcement just yet, so there needs to be something else.

Jello Biafra suggested elections for the police, voted on by the people they serve. It's a good idea, and its a sure bet that the cops that tortured those girls, along with Millsap and Lewis, would be out of jobs. And while we're at it, why not toss Riggs out on his torture-loving, crying wolf ass, too? After all, if justice truly is served in this case, there will be a few openings in the law enforcement field here in Humboldt County and Riggs can have his old job back.

Epilogue: A judge in San Francisco ruled that the police had every right to do what they did. The civil trial is coming up. No more needs to be said.

The Today show, the Times-Standard newspaper, KIEM news and personal interviews are the sources for most of the quotes pertaining to the pepper spray incident in this article.

This interview originally appeared in 1998 in issue #13 of Married Punks.

Mike South: Southern Fried Pornmeister

Mike South is a true Southern visionary. His Southern Belle series is one worth watching to see real people having real sex. See my review of number nine of his hot series in the last issue to see what I mean.

While a lot of people in the adult industry skirt honesty and refuse to deal with the underground press (Bizarre Video, to name one, wants nothing to do with the underground), South embraces the truth and understands where the true fans are.

This interview was conducted via e-mail.

Married Punks: When did you first get into the adult entertainment industry?

Mike South: About three years ago.

MP: How did it happen?

MS: I attended the CES show in Las Vegas about ten years ago or so and was walking through the adult section. I was thinking, "I could do this," but nobody really wanted to talk to me. Finally, Rick Savage gave me some straight talk, and I took what I learned from Rick and I thought about it, then I started visiting video stores all over the country and I would ask anyone who would talk to me questions about the videos. What did they like? What did they dislike? What tapes rent best? What sells best? Why? Then I watched about a thousand tapes, the ones people loved, the one people hated and everything in between. Then when I thought I had it figured out, I bought a camera in a pawn shop and started practicing. A year later I actually shot my first vids.

MP: Why did you get into this?

MS: It looked like fun, and I had always had an easy time with girls, so it seemed like a good fit. Don't get me wrong, I'm an average looking guy, but I learned that attitude is way more important than looks. Girls like being around a guy who is having a good time, and I certainly am having fun.

MP: How would you describe your videos?

MS: Pro-Am, true Pro-Am. Most of the girls that I shoot are doing it for the thrill of it, very few want to be porn stars. They just want to do the video for the pure thrill of it. Many don't even care if they get paid and a few have asked me if they have to pay me to do it. Everyone gets paid, though, so for many they get that unexpected bonus.

MP: Who do you think your videos appeal to?

MS: My videos are designed to appeal to the broadest market without sacrificing my "core" audience. The "core audience" for anyone in porn are the guys who are really into porn and watch a lot of it, and there are more than you think. For these guys I always give them good, clean, well-lit close ups, anal if the girl is comfortable with it, and facial cum shots. For couples, the reality based angle is a turn-on, usually the girls have real orgasms; I'm very good at making them forget that the camera is there, that's partially due to my cameraman as well. He gets the shots without disturbing the action. I always make sure that the girl is into it. If she isn't, then I won't shoot her regardless of how pretty she is. I don't want girls who are only doing it for the money. I always keep their makeup fresh and the scene interesting.

MP: What has been your best experience with the video production?

MS: There have been several standouts. I recently shot Men's Magazine model Sana Fey in her first boy/girl. We shot live, hardcore, boy/girl sex at a rave party in Tampa, Florida with literally hundreds of people watching us. She loved it. But probably the all-time best was a recent shoot with a girl named Valerie. She is a college girl in Orlando, Florida and wanted to do it once for the fun of it. She was so excited, she was literally bouncing off the walls, and that really came through in the video.

MP: What has been your worst experience?

MS: Two years ago in August I did a shoot 40 miles outside of Las Vegas in the desert. It was 114 degrees at noon and we shot from noon until 4 pm. There was also about a 10 knot wind blowing, so it was like fucking in front of a giant blow dryer. That one was tough, but the location was awesome.

MP: Sounds sticky. How do you get people to appear in your videos?

MS: Ninety percent come to me as referrals from people I have shot in the past or from magazine editors or other people who know me. The other ten percent are usually dancers that I meet when I go into a strip club. I tell them what I do, but if they want to be in a video they have to ask me. I don't solicit them to do it. It has to be their idea.

MP: What are some of the awards you have won?

MS: I have been nominated for more than I can remember, but I have won an Adult Video News (AVN) award for best amateur video (the AVN award is our industry's version of an Oscar, and it means a lot). I have also won a few regional awards, including "Best Pro-Am Series" from The Rocky Mountain Oyster.

MP: What Southern state has the wildest women? Based on my experience with a girl named Baby, I would have to say Texas.

MS: Based on my experiences, I have to say Florida, but only because of the luck I have had shooting in Tampa. Tampa is an awesome town; the girls are pretty and wild. Maybe it's the nude lapdances they do there. Second place would be a tie between Georgia and Texas. Dallas and Houston are both great towns for hot, new girls.

MP: Baby was from right outside Houston. Okay, where do you see the adult industry in five years?

MS: From a technology standpoint, DVD is gonna rock and roll, though it will take a while for it to replace VHS. When HDTV standardizes and the DVD companies get their act together, DVD will kick ass. As for the business, there is a glut of porn out there right now, and the quality is all over the place. I mean, there will be twelve thousand new releases this year in the adult biz, most of it shitty stuff like the four and six hour compilations. Those will be the first to die out because people rent them, see the shitty quality that is characteristic of the extended play modes, and get wiser.

The problem is that for Vivid and other companies to put this shit out is self-defeating. For example, a guy turns eighteen and goes into his first adult section. He sees a lot of stuff, but is drawn to a Vivid six-hour compilation. Why? Because he figures he is getting more for his money. He takes it home and puts it in his VCR, the picture is washed out, it won't track properly and the audio sucks. He now has the impression that this company produces shit in a slick looking box. Hell, he may even think that is characteristic of the whole industry. He returns the vid and doesn't rent again. Now for the store angle, that store just rented one six hour video and lost a customer when he would have likely rented two two-hour tapes and been happy with the quality he saw. So the store rented one shitty tape instead of two good ones and probably lost a repeat customer in the process.

I expect a shake out will come and the people producing quality will survive. The rest will be kicked to the curb by a better educated market. An educated consumer is the adult video business' worst nightmare.

On another level, look for more Federal legislation like the "Child Protection Act," which honestly does nothing to children. With guys like Max Hardcore getting into some serious verbal and borderline physical abuse, the enemies of our business are going to use that to try to further their cause.

MP: Any last words, plugs or death threats?

MS: Nah, I'm a black belt, but I'm also a real pacifist when it comes to physical violence. I try to avoid it if possible. As far as last words, I only want to express my deepest appreciation to everyone who has bought and rented my tapes. If it weren't for you, I could not do this job that I enjoy so much. When you buy or rent my tapes, you are doing me a favor and I appreciate it, so I'm gonna give you my best effort. Thank you, and look for all Mike South's new releases under "Elegant Angel Video."

I don't know what prompted this piece, which ran in Married Punks #13, published in 1998. I don't think the situation has changed much, though.

Dissection: Automobile and Auto Dealership Commericals

They are as prevalent as bullying cops and Big Johnson shirts. Car commercials. You've seen them if you have watched any amount of television. They're quirky, factual, amusing and just plain annoying. These monsters, which average three per hour, are there to do one thing: entice you into buying a high-priced machine. They do it, as does all advertising, through either facts, fear, or by selling an attitude, sometimes combining all three. Below are a few commercials, the methods they use, and the stupidity behind them, apparent if one takes the time to look. Advertisers take note.

1. '98 Camry - A female architect, with the song "Everyday People" playing in the background, makes a little speech about the choices she makes every day. This ad has almost nothing about the car. Instead, it plays on professional, career women, and the women who want to be in that position. It does this by showing the female with a job typically reserved for males, yet creatively innovative, and through the use of a song commonly played on adult-oriented radio heard in offices throughout the country. Again: there is little factual information about the car in this ad. This style of advertising that is devoid of facts is usually geared toward males, but the tide is shifting, in turn causing females, who advertisers target the most, to become less educated as far as consumption goes.

2. Montgomery Ward Auto Liquidation - Roy's Auto Center and Mickey's Quality Cars, both local to Humboldt County, teamed up to bring this sales event to the Montgomery Ward parking lot. The autos were sold on a "first come first serve basis," and was for a "limited time" only. While the commercial seems factual, it really doesn't tell much. To start with, the sale that was for a "limited time" only was extended several times. Also, since when aren't cars sold on a first come, first serve basis? What this commercial tries to do is instill a sense of fear into the consumers that are thinking of buying a car. If they don't hurry, the car they want may be sold to someone else! And hurry they better, because the sale is only for a limited time. Apparently this tactic didn't work too well, or all the cars would have been sold and there would have been no need to extend the sale.

3. Ford Action Heroes Campaign - The Webster's Dictionary defines hero as a "mythical or legendary figure," an "illustrious warrior with great strength," and a person who "shows great courage" or is "admired for achievements and qualities." Ford defines heroes as people who bring home groceries; ranch hands; and all-terrain vehicle riders. Ford is not selling cars and trucks here, it is selling an attitude and image. It wants to make ordinary people doing what they have to do or like to do feel like heroes. A definite play on the ego. Ford is hoping that these would-be heroes would rather sit behind the wheel of a Ford instead of donning tights and fighting crime or rescuing children from a burning building.

4. Mitsubishi Montero Sport - A commerical that spotlights men putting on make-up. The catch: They're rodeo clowns! Mitsubishi is being entertaining here, and if you're entertained by this drivel, the company hopes you'll buy a Montero Sport. End result: Who cares about this vehicle?

5. Passat - The commercial for this car takes place in a diner. A man talks about trying new things, focusing mainly on food. Attitude is what's being sold once again. This ad reaches out to the person who likes to think that he or she is open to new things. It's also appealing to the common man/woman by taking place in a diner. The commercial shows that there really is no difference between deciding on which kind of pie to eat and deciding on a car to buy. Those of us in the real world know the difference all too well, and this commercial fails in its attempt to lure car buyers to the Passat.

6. Harper Ford - Humboldt County is known for its pot, but the makers of this commercial must have been using LSD. It depicts and old man in a backward baseball cap driving a pick-up truck with a dog in the back. All of this is set to some sort of hip-hop song with the line "cross over the bridge" sung repeatedly. "Cross over the bridge" is Harper Ford's catchphrase, and it's obviously playing on that. What the song and the old man have to do with Harper Ford's cars is beyond me. It's also beyond the woman who answered the phone at Harper Ford. She didn't want to tell me what the commercial meant, but did offer to connect me to her general manager who was in a meeting(?). I declined, afraid he might start singing the hypnotic song to me to come in and buy.

These commercials, and many others that are out there polluting the airwaves, are a boil on the already diseased face of television broadcasting. They are as numerous as bad sitcoms and just as unintelligent. They miserably fail in their attempts to cajole the consumer into wanting a new car. Even their feeble ploys to sell image and attitude miss the mark as often as the entertainment value does. The end result is a glut of ineffectual commericials that most people ignore or mock. And why are they so mocked? Because pointing out their faults is easier than showing how they succeed, especially when they don't.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Originally published in 1998 in issue number 13 of Married Punks, this CD was sent to me from Hopeless Records specifically for review.

Adhesive Sideburner

It's not just the accent that causes these Swedes to sound like Millencolin, it's the whole sound. I guess that's to be expected from bands weened on Bad Religion. Unfortunately, like most melodic punk bands, Adhesive doesn't follow Bad Religion's lead on lyrical content. Instead, the band focuses on a more personal side of things. (Though "Conscience" does get political.)

This isn't a slam on Adhesive. It's a talented band, but these types of bands are so commonplace these days that they fail to excite me.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Published in Married Punks #13 in 1998, this review is of a video that was sent to me by Xplor Media/Homegrown specifically for review purposes.

Banned in Japan Vol. 1

What happens when you mix Tokyo coeds, odd production values, even odder stories and sex? You get this video, which is, well, odd.

Yumi stars in the first segment as a flight attendant in an "airport lobby," which is really just someone's living room. The motorcycle sounds in the background and the walls sort of give it away. During the entire sex scene there is a guy "sleeping" nearby. It gets surreal when Yumi, who is being screwed doggie style, is groped by the man while he's still "sleeping." Downright bizarre.

The next piece features Mayumi, a nineteen-year-old "nurse" who is checking up on a patient. We've seen this a million times, but this scene is wooden and akin to watching a boring soap opera. Kudos goes to condom usage, though.

Emi, a twenty-one-year-old, steals the next scene. She gets down and dirty, using a cock as a microphone and ramming her finger up the cameraman's ass. She also does a standing sixty-nine in what is a spew drenched, hot-as-the-sun scene.

A twenty-year-old, proper Satomi, finishes the video by being filmed having sex. It's the first time she's ever had sex on film, and, by the look on her face, it looks like it might be her first time having sex. She looks like she's in pain, but then laughs a little later. Odd.

No English is spoken, so you can watch this with the sound down or make up your own dialogue. Quite honestly, it's worth renting just because it's kind of strange. I felt like some kind of perverted voyeur the whole time. Oh wait, I am some sort of perverted voyeur.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

I was recently summoned for jury duty, that all important obligation of every citizen over the age of eighteen. At first, I was kinda thrilled with the whole thing. I always wanted to experience a trial that I wasn't being tried on. On the other hand, though, I really couldn't afford to miss work, especially not for a measly five dollars and fifteen cents a day.

I went, though. I had the next two days off anyway, so what harm could there be? Chances are I would be dismissed. After all, I had a septum ring and a Metallica shirt on (I decided against my Religious As Fuck shirt). Who would want me on a jury? Not even the "liberals" of Humboldt County, I imagined.

After a lot of wasted time where I constantly cursed myself for not bringing a book or a gun, I was led up a few floors into a very nondescript courtroom. The case was something I was familiar with.

In January of 1997 a Native American, who was wanted by the five-o, was captured, but not without a fight. He got into some sort of altercation, which ended up with him facing charges of attempted murder of a police officer (too bad it just wasn't murder), assault of a police officer (that's better), attempted murder (not so hot in my book) and assault.

I was seated, along with a gaggle of other people, in the gallery, while others, who had been there since the day before, were seated in the jury box. Those were potential jurors. Where I sat was for people waiting for their chance to be called into the box via a lottery system. The only lottery I care about is one where I collect a big fat check, but that's a different story. I had to wait, minus a huge check, until my name was called.

Before any names were called, however, we were told that we were to decide this case, if chosen, based on law, evidence, common sense and experience. We were also told not to be biased. This was odd.

Biases are a form of opinions. Opinions are formed by a few different things. Two of which are common sense and experience. (Two others are religion and ignorance. Facts rarely play a part in forming opinions, unless those facts already conform to the established opinion. Otherwise, they are conveniently ignored. This isn't necessarily true of opinions that aren't very important to the holder, but it is true of the pertinent ones.) Now, how are jurors to judge a case based on common sense, which is an oxymoron when it comes to people, and experience, but not form or use any sort of bias? Impossible. Already I saw that the jury system is set up to bring forth not a jury of peers, but a jury of opinionless people, which almost automatically makes them dull, middle class and white, and without much education, but plenty of menial job experience. A jury of peers? I don't think so. It's more like a jury of soap opera fans and people highly entertained by whatever is on television between the hours of eight and ten at night.

With this in mind, I thought back to my experiences with the police. Not too many of them were favorable. I also thought back to a paper I wrote on political prisoners in America (maybe to see print in this 'zine someday). I know that authority sometimes made up evidence to get a conviction, and that charges such as "attempted murder of a police officer" were common, but not always truthful. A gun being fired anywhere near a cop could be considered that, regardless of the intent of the shooter.

I started to wonder how I was going to say this in front of a judge if I had the pleasure of being called forth to do my duty. So far, every person that had a bias was biased in favor of the police. Not a one said they didn't trust the cops. One even said, "If a cop says it, I tend to believe it."

Most of these people were dismissed.

I figured that was good. A blatant bias like that can't be good.

The day ended without a full jury being picked, so I had to come back the next day. Oh joy. Needless to say, the worry lingered on. What if I tainted the whole jury with what I had to say? That would really screw up the works. Normally, that would be appealing to me, but I knew that half of these people didn't want to be there either. I didn't want to be the cause of half a week of wasted time for them. The next day couldn't come fast enough.

When it did arrive, I found myself back in the gallery. This time wearing a Daredevil shirt. I figured, with the gallery dwindling down, my chances to be called into the juror section were fairly good, so I didn't want to seem too disrespectful.

The gallery got smaller, and I still wasn't picked. This was looking good. Less and less people were being dismissed. One guy, a lawyer who looked more like a pot farmer (this being Humboldt County, he could've been both) even expressed a distrust of police! Hurray! I wasn't the only one.

"Well," he said, "I know that the police have a job to do, so you have to take that into account."

He was dismissed, and the entire potential jury got to hear that. What I was going to say was going to be a little worse, though. No, a lot worse.

"Brunell," the clerk read.

I got up and sat in the front row, directly in front of the judge. I began to sweat. I was hoping for an earthquake, a power outage, armed men to come in shouting, "Viva la Anarchy," and shooting the judge. Anything.

It was my turn, and I answered the usual questions. Then the big one came.

"Mr. Brunell, is there anything that could possibly cause you to be biased if you were chosen for this case?"

Deep breath. "Actually, there is. In 1988, '89, I was accused of attempted manslaughter of a police officer."

Normally, when people answered these questions there were other potential jurors coughing or fidgeting. Not this time. Dead silence. I could feel every eye in the place on me, boring holes in the back of my head with laser-like precision. The judge was even silent. I knew it. I fucked up. I should've kept my mouth shut. Tight.

"I take it that your experience wasn't very good," the judge noted.

"It was pretty far from good. I didn't do it. It was a lie." For those who don't know the whole story, it involves and egg, a cop, a car chase, a high speed accident, inflated charges, lying, possible jail time and some heavy fines. It's not as bad as what the charges made it out to be, though.

"Was this brought to trial?" the judge asked.

"No. It was resolved that night. It was dropped to a disorderly conduct charge."

More silence while the judge contemplated having me killed.

"Based on that, do you think you could be unbiased in this case?"

Was he serious? "Well," I said, "if it were only that experience, yes, but I've had plenty of bad experiences with the police. And, from research for various articles, I know that police often make up charges against people. Not every police officer is a liar, but enough are that every one of them must be suspect."

Did I just say that? Was I looking for trouble? I promised to shoot myself in the head later. Now I had to finish this.

"Do you think Mr. X [my name for the man accused] would want you on the jury?" the judge asked.

Your damn right he would, your honor. After I get him off, he and I would compare notes. It would be a meeting of the newly formed Kop Killer Klub. Membership is one bloody badge. "I don't know what Mr. X is thinking," I said, "but I know that the D.A. wouldn't be too happy with me. I mean, when I heard the charges yesterday I thought, 'Yeah, right. And what did the cops do?'"

Again with the silence, and then, "I think Mr. Brunell, that I'll dismiss you. I think you would make a fine juror on a different case though. Please go down to the Jury Office to find out if they have something for you."

I got up, every eye still on me (maybe they thought I'd try to kill them on my way out), and went toward the door. As I approached it, it opened and there stood a law enforcement officer.

I just knew that the judge pressed some button on the underside of his desk. It was probably red and marked "Subversive." I was caught, but I prepared myself to run if he made a grab for me.

He didn't. He had to tell something to the bailiff, and I went downstairs unmolested.

Mr. X was found guilty on a few of the charges, but not attempted murder of a police officer (surprise). The trial lasted longer than the judge said it would, but I don't know if it was because they had to start over with the jury due to my little exposéon the cops.

I came out of the whole thing feeling pretty good, though. I stayed my ground, even in the face of a judge and a potential jury that seemed fairly pro-cop. I definitely was the minority there, and, if anyone has ever had that sort of experience, you know how hard it is to stay true to what you believe in when the situation is like that. It's easy to stick to your guns surrounded by friends and allies, but not too easy when you're surrounded by the enemy and its followers. But that's when it's most vital to do so. Strength in the face of adversity is true strength. I could've stayed silent, and probably still would've been dismissed. Instead, I laid a little truth on the justice system that day, and that's something it isn't used to.

This appeared in issue 13 of Married Punks, published in 1998. The CD was sent to me to review.

30 Foot Fall Divided We Stand

This, 30 Foot Fall's first album (re-released), kicks the ass of its last one (Acme-143), though that was good, too.

Divided We Stand is pure, raw punk that reminds me of gems from the late '80s. A little social and a little silly, this CD makes you wonder why the band took the more melodic approach that it has now. Hell, it even gets a little hardcore with "Everything is Gonna Stop." Also, not to be missed, is the cover of Billy Idol's masturbation epic, "Dancin' With Myself," that is great, but goes on too long. There's also a few swipes from other notables, including the (wannabe rockstars) Dead Milkmen.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

In 1998 my 'zine, Married Punks, was hitting its stride. The following piece was a parody ad I ran in lucky issue #13. It came after our local law enforcement was all over the national news for swabbing pepper spray in the eyes of protesters. The phone number for the police appeared in the original ad. I was never contacted by the department, so I don't know if it received calls. (It was also presented in such a way that someone could remove it from the 'zine and photocopy it as a flier for around. I did actually see a copy of it hanging by Ramone's in Old Town one day.)

MURDER FOR HIRE

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Monday, November 14, 2011

3/17/05. That's when Film Threat posted this "Excess Hollywood" column (read it here) which was an interview with Frank Mauceri, whose Smog Veil Records put out something of interest to all Herschell Gordon Lewis fans. I wanted to let the world know, and did so through my column.

Some of my friends gave me grief over this piece, which appeared on Film Threat 3/24/05, though I don't think the site got much mail on it. (You can read the offending piece on Stallone here.) At the time I wrote it, the new Rambo movie was still in the discussion phases, though the idea of there being yet another movie in the franchise bugged me for the reasons I wrote. Why were my friends upset? They thought I was taking unnecessary swipes at a beloved movie icon. (For the record, that's what the entire "Excess Hollywood" feature was about.) I was taking the "fun" out of a character that I thought really needed to be examined.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

4/7/05. That's when Film Threat published my "Excess Hollywood" love letter to Mickey Rourke. You can read it here. Times have changed, but I haven't changed how I feel about him. Ironically, my lines about Downey and Rourke have played out almost opposite what I wrote at the time. Almost ...

Saturday, November 12, 2011

This article, published 4/14/05 on Film Threat, was all about my anger over an American version of The Office. Do I still feel the same way? No. The American version of the show has come into its own, but it is still inferior to the original.