Can Excessive Social Networking Harm Marriages?

As a practicing psychologist, I’ve listened to more than one partner complain that his or her relationship went south after his or her partner got “hooked” on the Facebook or some other social-networking site. In my private thoughts, I've usually taken such complaints with a grain of skepticism: Maybe it wasn’t the internet that was causing the unhappiness, but that unhappy partners turned to the web for comfort or distraction.

Can the internet really hurt relationships?

Until now, the issue has pretty much remained a matter of debate. There have been studies that show that excessive Internet use is correlated with depression, stress, and loneliness. However, these studies leave us with a chicken-or-the-egg dilemma: Does Internet overuse or “addiction” cause unhappiness, or do unhappy people simply use the Internet more than happy people do?

In one study, researchers from Boston and Santiago, Chile, looked at the relationship between social networking and marital happiness, as well as trends linking social network availability and divorce rates. They focused on 1,160 married couples between the ages of 18 and 39 who were surveyed by the University of Texas at Austin’s Population Research Center. These couples were asked to rate their relationship on a 10-point scale based on statements such as:

We have a good relationship.

My relationship with my partner is very healthy.

The researchers also measured the extent to which partners in these relationships utilized social networking sites such as Facebook, Twitter, and MySpace. Here is what they reported: Increased use of social networking is correlated with poorer marital happiness and a higher likelihood of a troubled relationship, along with thoughts of divorce.

This still doesn’t answer the question of which comes first—an unhappy marriage or greater use of social networking? Aren’t those men and women who are unhappy just turning to social media as an outlet for their unhappiness? Maybe, but maybe not. Let’s look a little further.

Social Networking and Divorce

This same research team looked at how growth in the use of social networking might be related to divorce rates. To do this they determined the “penetration rates” of sites such as Facebook across the U.S. over time—specifically, from 2008 through 2010. What they discovered was something that family lawyers had been reporting anecdotally for some time: The greater penetration of social media from 2008 to 2010 was positively correlated with increases in divorce rates.

Taken together, the above results constitute evidence suggesting that excessive use of social networking and similar sites could indeed not just play a role in compensating for an unhappy relationship but may actually contribute to that unhappiness.

What is still missing is the “smoking gun”—evidence bearing on what comes first.

The Chicken/Egg Dilemma—Resolved

Another study helps us begin to gain some insight into the question of whether excessive internet use causes unhappiness (including marital unhappiness) or whether unhappiness drives people to the internet and social media. In this study, researchers from the Department of Social and Organizational Psychology at Amsterdam's VU University followed 398 married couples over a period of four years. Significantly, these were all newlywed couples at the outset of the study, and they were first surveyed with respect to both marital and personal happiness, as well as internet usage, just one month after getting married.

Participants were asked to gauge their internet use by responding on a 10-point scale to statements such as:

I find it difficult to stop using the internet once I am online.

I prefer to use the internet instead of spending time with others, including my partner.

The psychological variables that were assessed, using a similar technique, included:

Both Internet usage and the above measures of well-being were assessed a total of five times over four years. And what did the team find?

Increased use of the Internet over time was associated with decreased well-being.

Increased use of the Internet over time was found to be related to increases in depression, stress, and loneliness.

These results led the researchers to the following conclusion: Increased use of the internet over time lowers overall well-being.

Implications for Couples

So what do we advise couples and newlyweds to do with respect to social media and the Internet? Are they best off simply going off the grid if they want a happy relationship? Given the pervasiveness of the Internet and social media, I doubt many people would follow such advice. On the other hand, it appears that there may be a grain of truth in some of the complaints cited at the outset of this post. So maybe the least that individuals can do is to periodically pause to take stock.

The following final questions are offered here as food for thought:

Looking back over the past two years, has my daily usage of the internet, including social networking sites, increased? If so, by how much, on average, has it increased per day?

Has my partner (or someone else in my life) commented (or complained) on the increasing time I spend on the internet?

Am I as happy now as I was two years ago? Do I feel more stressed now than I did then? If I were to be honest, do I feel more lonely now than I did two years ago?

Your answers to the above just might prove to be a turning point. They could help you decide to make some changes for your own benefit as well as your partner's.

Here on Psychology Today the marital relationship is the be all and end all. The marriage MUST be preserved, honored and prioritized over everything else in life. If you spouse doesn't like your friends, you must give up your friends. If your spouse doesn't like your hobbies, your hobbies are over. If your spouse doesn't like your social media usage, guess what, your iPhone is going in the trash.

Is this what people want?

Marriage is all well and good, but people need to consider what they might have to give up before they do it. Many many studies have shown that marriage leads to personal isolation. If you marry you will be expected to focus and please your spouse, and that may come at a very very high cost.

It seems to me that perhaps that the problem is somehow not using Facebook mindfully. Like not monitoring the amount of time spent on Facebook and not really thinking about general Facebook usage introspectively. I have read different studies where people actually became more happy when they used Facebook as a tool for their relationship. When we do a lot of satisfying things in life, we do them with a goal in mind. Perhaps psychologist can work with people who have relationship problems to use Facebook as a mediator for their relationship. If used properly, computer mediated communication can lead to more introspection and disclosure. Communication can be an important part to the difficult world of romantic relationships.

I live alone, I went off facebook entirely, because I found the bombardment of how my life could always be better and bigger and happier, left me less happy! I can still keep updated with the issues that interests me, and still be sociable!

Sitting still, not using our bodies, like the body would, if it had a saying.
Spines hanging outside our backs? Vital organs squeezed.
Happiness is not restricted to the brain.:-)

You have merely more of the same -- no evidence or smoking gun of any kind that social media use CAUSES harm.

Divorce increasing from 2008 to 2011 -- declaring that's caused my social media is scientifically laughable. For instance, the 2007-9 economic crash have anything to do with it? (even if employed, the world felt like it'd shifted from positive to negative).

Even if external factors were ruled out, it may be social media empowered and enabled people to get out of non-working relationships.

I wouldn't be surprised to learn that social media addiction exists and causes harm to marriages and people(same as any addiction).... but this article does nothing to prove that. It still just mere correlation and speculation.