Note: This is a seattlepi.com reader blog. It is not written or edited by the P-I. The authors are solely responsible for content. E-mail us at newmedia@seattlepi.com if you consider a post inappropriate..

True Blood: Raise the Stakes, Thin the Herd

Oh man, you guys, True Blood was not fooling around last night. I don’t want to gush too much before we cover what happened (and we have a lot of ground to cover) but this might be my favorite episode of the season. The body count is rising, secrets are quickly being revealed, and hope for the return of a taken-away-from-us-too-soon character has flourished. Before I give anything away, head to the jump so we can talk about what made “Hitting the Ground” so unbelievably fantastic.

First of all, can everyone get back to Bon Temps already? It pains me to see this town spin its wheels in the absence of more interesting characters. As I sat and watched Sam try to act as cool and tough as Taylor Lautner on a motorcycle, I could not stop rolling my eyes over how little I care about the Mickens. Yes, Sam turned into a pit bull and infiltrated the dog fights. Yes, he hit some “Cops are coming, scram!” alarm to divert people away from the fight involving his shape-shifted brother. Yes, he stood up to Ma and Pa Mickens and took Tommy away from them. And yet? And yet?I still don’t care about them, Sam. Seriously, come get me when one of them learns to speed text.

Jason has fallen butt-stupid in love with Crystal, emphasis on the stupid. He even tells Hoyt (while in his underwear for some reason?) that he doesn’t understand why he’s so crazy about her. Because you are so dumb, Jason Stackhouse. You are really dumb. For real. It’s one thing to show up at a girl’s house with flowers to woo her, it’s another thing to go down to county lock-up to interrogate her cousin and then agree to get that cousin crystal meth in exchange for information about the girl you like. I mean, really. And I’ll admit Hoyt suggesting Crystal was named after the stuff was hilarious, but only after he dumps his cheery new biscuit-baking girlfriend, Summer, and goes back to Jessica. You know he misses her.

Back in … Mississippi? Are we still there? Ah yes, because Sookie decided the best thing to do wasn’t to hightail it out of Vamp King’s house, she decided to save precious BEEEELL and get attacked by Lorena. Stackhouse siblings, are we making good choices? Somehow, Bill had enough strength left in him to pull Lorena down with his silver chains so Sookie ran and grabbed a broken pole, screaming “You wouldn’t know love if it kicked you in the face!” as she finally staked Lorena. Thank you, Sookie Stackhouse! I have been waiting for this day since season one!

Alcide and Tara come in to begrudgingly help load Bill into their escape delivery truck, with Tara saying she’s pretty sure Bill’s dead. Sookie says he isn’t because otherwise he’d be a puddle of goop like Lorena. Which is interesting because you know who didn’t turn into a puddle last week? That’s right, Franklin. I don’t want to count my chickens or anything but SQUEEEEE. My celebration’s cut short when Debbie Pelt comes staggering in all trashy and armed with a handgun. Through some quick distractions and tackles, Debbie drops the gun in the direction of Alcide. Suddenly her boyfriend Boot Scoot & Boogie or whatever his name is comes rushing in and Alcide shoots him in the head. It’s like everyone on the show is finally listening to me yell at them! Of course, I clearly jinxed myself when I started begging Alcide to just shoot Debbie Pelt already, gosh, because he decided to deadbolt the door with her inside. Maybe next week, Alcide? Hmm? Please?

Things take a seriously bad turn when Sookie locks herself in the back of the truck with Bill and tries to feed him her blood. He goes ravenously crazy and drinks way too much. Making a rest stop for Alcide, Tara goes back to check on Sookie and finds her unconscious. Bill acts all confused and innocent and “Ah deedn’t mean to, ah swayr” but Tara doesn’t buy it and tosses him out into the sunlight where he doesn’t burn.

At the hospital, it’s revealed Sookie doesn’t have a blood type, which is pretty much impossible, and that with her body rejecting the universal blood type there’s little the doctors can do. Jason, who Tara called and told to get there pronto, mentions that he does have a blood type, AB negative, and that not only has Sookie never been sick, she’s never been in a hospital before. She wasn’t even born in one. Maybe this is crazy talk, but is it possible they’re not actually brother and sister?

Somewhere in Sookie’s mind or maybe heaven or maybe that universal, non-denominational church in a flash-sideways, Sookie wanders into some form of Elysian Fields where a woman guides her around like a tripped-out godmother. The two dance about and drink glasses filled with light, but Sookie realizes she has to go back as darkness starts falling on the Fields. The lady telepathically tells Sookie not to fear water and that her parents didn’t die in a car accident and “don’t let him steal your light.” Sookie’s all “Excuse me?” as the lady and her fellow extras from Xena: Warrior Princess disappear into the water and Sookie passes out on the lawn like a sorority girl.

Up in the real world, Bill’s walked into the hospital room and after getting the OK from Jason, he’s siphoned his blood into Sookie’s IV drip. When Sookie comes to, she starts screaming at the sight of Bill’s ugly track suit face. Which is startling to Bill, but really dude what did you expect? You’re probably the guy Lucid Godmother warned Sookie about, but maybe not, because she was being super vague and could’ve been a figment of her imagination even though she clearly wasn’t. The point is, I have my eye on you, Bill Compton.

Before heading back to Louisiana, Eric tries to get more information about Sookie from Evan Rachel Wood. She refuses to say anything so he uses the girl from The Color Of Friendship Hadley against her. After biting into Hadley’s neck, Hadley reveals she’s Sookie’s cousin, which I completely forgot, and that she knows Sookie’s secret. Of course, she doesn’t tell us but she whispers it to Eric who is shocked and surprised. Gah! What are you, Sookie Stackhouse?

Once at Fangtasia, Eric shows up in time to save Pam from being mutilated with Tiffany earrings by the Magister. Evan Rachel Wood and the Vamp King saunter in and they spill everything about her selling the V. To save herself and pay off her IRS debts, she’s marrying Vamp King and the Magister has to perform the ceremony. The Magister’s all “Why would I do that?” and the Vamp King’s like “Because you’re tied up now, and Pam is not” and does that super speedy thing vampires do so well. He takes the Magister’s poky cane and starts jabbing him with it until he pronounces them husband and wife (unenthusiastic air kisses!). The group goes to leave but Vamp King can’t resist the urge and totally removes the Magister’s head with the cane!

Seriously, True Blood! More of this! If the body count keeps rising the way it is, Tara will go back to being the only insufferable character in town. What, Tara? You make two good choices in three seasons and you think you get to move up in the ranks? Hookeh, please.

Note: This is a seattlepi.com reader blog. It is not written or edited by the P-I. The authors are solely responsible for content. E-mail us at newmedia@seattlepi.com if you consider a post inappropriate..