Tag Archives: Teen Nick

Letty: Welcome back to the exciting drama filled world of Degrassi! When we left off some awkward looking Canadian preteens were doing some things and saying some stuff and being slightly annoying. Sorry guys, I can’t EVEN focus on the past right now when we are so close to ~CRAIG~. Anyways, this episode starts with that Canadian hunk of a man Tracker quizzing Sean for his upcoming Media Immersion test. Sean keeps getting the answers wrong and he is getting mad pissed. He is so worked up he can’t even help his brother fix motorcycles properly. Between questions, Tracker mentions to Sean that their mom called, and wants to talk to Sean about moving back to disgusting Wasaga Beach. Sean it NOT having it, he flips out and starts knocking shit over. Now, I looked Wasaga Beach up on Wikipedia, and it looks like a really nice place. I don’t know what Sean is so mad about. But, this young man has quite the temper! He tells Tracker, “You are not my social worker, okay!”, but Tracker, ever the good big bro, has some decent advice for Sean, “Keep your nose clean, get good grades, and everything will be okay.” Tracker, man, what a dream boat.

More like, DREAM Tracker, amirite? What?

So, it is the day of the Media Immersion test. JT and Toby are stressing out about it when Liberty and Emma stroll up. The credits aren’t even finished and Liberty is already being annoying. She is wearing a floor length denim skirt, HELLO. Even Snake is annoyed by her. She pulls out a pocket calculator to calculate how high her grade has to be to get an A+ in Media Immersion and Snake fakes hearing Mr. Radditch calling him to avoid speaking to her. UGH FUCKING LIBERTY.

I FEEL YOUR PAIN.

Emma and Sean are at his locker when Jimmy walks by and says some smart ass remark, which really isn’t that big of deal, but Sean gets all butthurt. If y’all don’t remember, Jimmy and Sean have some bad blood between them that you can read about here. Down the hall Spinner, simple, simple Spinner is trying to impress Paige and waste time. He yells at Paige to “Check this out!”, then just starts dribbling a basketball in a circle around her. He looks like a St. Bernard puppy or like he would make an excellent Lennie in the Degrassi production of John Steinbeck’s “Of Mice and Men”. Spinner’s impressive moves make him and Paige late for class, and who does he walk right into? Mrs. Kwan! HUWHAT?

It turns out her husband has finished his chemo, so she has come back to teach. Just in time to give a test! Oscar that weird extra kid who we don’t know anything about raises his hand and says he doesn’t feel well. It turns out he has the flu, and that gives Spinner an idea! Simple Spinner, do you really think playing sick is going to get you out of a test? We cut to Emma and Sean walking up to his house. They are going to study but Sean doesn’t want to study at his house because he is embarrassed. He doesn’t even want Emma to COME in the house and makes her wait outside. My theory, Tracker leaves a lot of porn laying around. Speaking of dreamboats, Tracker pulls up and starts talking shit to Emma, because he is still mad about her editorial in the school newspaper. This episode sure has a lot of callbacks to other episodes. He is yelling at her and is all like, “You think you’re a good influence on him? CAUSE YOU ARE.” WHOA! HE TWISTED IT ALL AROUND! HE ACTED LIKE HE WAS YELLING AT HER, BUT THEN COMPLIMENTED HER INSTEAD. It turns out that Sean hasn’t gotten in trouble since he’s been hanging out with Emma. Probably because Emma is exceptionally boring and her idea of trouble is writing a controversial newspaper article. Emma wants to know more about this “trouble” because she is a nosy bitch, but Tracker tells her not to worry about it.

Sean and Emma are studying at her house. She is trying to teach him some stupid pneumonic device to help him with the test. Sean tells her that, “she is such a Liberty” which is a HUGE insult. In response Emma tosses a dish rag right into Sean’s face. He playfully tosses it back, and she throws it back in his face, it’s all quite riveting. In a playful tone Sean says, “You wanna mess with me? I’ll mess you up, I’m big trouble.” and Emma being the giant buzzkill that she is replies, “Yeah, I heard. Tracker said you got into trouble once”. FOR GOD’S SAKE EMMA, just fucking be cool for once in your life. It turns out that when Sean was living in Wasaga Beach he got into a fight with some kid and permanently deafened him one ear. Sean isn’t proud of what he did, he just can’t control his temper, but he claims to be working on it. During this entire scene Sean’s earring is distractingly prominent. Emma seems pretty cool with all this actually, only because the incident happened a year ago. OH YES, like that is so long ago.

It is the day of test. Sean is hella nervous. The entire test is online, something that Snake seems especially smug about. The students only have 45 minutes to complete the exam, after that they are SOL. Elsewhere on campus, Spinner and Paige are in class. Spinner is yammering on about how he plans to get sick on purpose and Paige says she doesn’t care about his stupid plan. For once I agree with Paige, I hate this subplot. Terri comes in sneezing, so Spinner gets all up in her business trying to catch her germs. Spinner volunteers to throw away Terri’s coffee cup then runs his finger around the brim and licks it. ~tres declasse~

I don’t know what I’m most turned off by, this disgusting act or the tribal flames on his shirt.

Meanwhile, Sean is struggling with his media immersion test. He is in the middle of naming two file extensions, when the screen flashes that time is up. Sean didn’t finish! To make matters worse, Liberty pops in like a fucking goddamn annoying popup ad, and screeches “45 minutes remember, timed!”

MUST PUNCH

Sean is understandably pissed, he thinks he fails at everything he’s ever tried. Exacerbating the situation is Emma who keeps whining at him until Sean finally snaps at her and says, “Emma, don’t talk to me okay, just leave me alone.” then sulks away. RUROH, Sean’s anger is starting to get the better of him, as evident in him punching his poor defenseless locker. Jimmy, with very poor timing, walks by and starts joking around with Sean. Sean gets all butthurt AGAIN, and is all aggressive towards Jimmy. After an extremely heated exchange ::rolls eyes:: in which Jimmy calls Sean a FREAK (ice burn!) they start shoving each other around ineffectively. Coach Armstrong breaks them up, but it’s ON. Sean yells after Jimmy, “I’LL SEE YOU AFTER SCHOOL.” I hope it’s a fight to the death.

Violence against Drake is always acceptable.

It’s time for Mrs. Kwan’s test, and Spinner running back and forth down hallway, try to get his temperature up. It works! Mrs. Kwan feels his forehead and sends him to the nurse. Over in Media Immersion class everyone is gossiping about Sean and Jimmy’s fight after school. Why are they in Media Immersion class AGAIN? Do they only have one class? Sean strolls in late, and Snake gives him lunch time detention. Is that even allowed? Does Sean not get to eat? DOESN’T SNAKE CARE ABOUT SEAN’S BLOOD SUGAR?! Over in the nurse’s office the nurse takes Spinner’s temperature. The nurse is a man, which I think is very progressive. It turns out that Spinner has a normal temperature. Spinner claims that the thermometer is faulty, and the nurse says he has a tried and true method, and pulls out a giant thermometer and covers it in Vasoline. Spinner exclaims, “I don’t want that gunk in mouth”, and in the creepiest line in Degrassi history the nurse says, “It’s not going in your mouth”. Spinner runs out and the nurse starts laughing, then presumably starts jacking off. Back in class Mrs. Kwan tells Spinner to stop pulling all this dumb shit, and to channel the energy he expended making up schemes into school work. Mrs. Kwan is one sage bitch.

Well, Spinner passed the test. YAY, who cares? IT’S TIME FOR THE FIGHT! Sean goes to fetch Jimmy to give him a world class ass whooping. Jimmy protests, saying “We don’t have to do this, it’s stupid”, and Sean retorts “No wonder Armstrong cut you from the team.” DANG THEMS FIGHTING WORDS.Everyone in the entire school is mad pumped up for the fight as they follow Jimmy and Sean into some alley. Emma is there being annoying and whining at Sean to stop. Jimmy and Sean go right at it. They start pushing each other, as most lame middle school fights begin. Sean actually connects a couple of punches. Everyone is chanting “FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!” like they are at a hockey game or something. The boys are wrassling, when stupid Emma grabs at Sean. In the heat of the moment he yells,”Emma get out of here!” (my sentiment exactly) and pushes her to the ground. She is mad upset and runs away with tears in her eyes. Sean calls after her, doing the worst James Dean impression ever. Man, at this point I accidentally rewinded too far and had to watch the whole stupid fight over again. UGH.

It’s the next day, Jimmy is walking with his friends going over the fight, “Then the coward walks away after picking a fight and throwing his girlfriend to the ground.” Ashley is still pissed and gives him the cold shoulder. Spinner is in high spirits from passing all his tests, and that it’s the weekend, but UH OH he starts sneezing. Looks like his plan to contract the flu actually worked. SPINNER SHENANIGANS. Sean also passed his test with a B-. He tries to tell Emma his good news but she just walks by and ignores him. He pleads for her to stop, and we are treated with a very brief Manny appearance! He apologizes, saying “I should have listened to you, and I’m sorry.” Emma stone faces him and says “Yeah, so am I.” DAMMMMMMMN, that’s cold Em. END EPISODE.

DRAMA. God, what an uneventful episode. This was really a chore guys, that’s why it took me like two months to write this. But it all leads up to the EXCITING SEASON FINALE, and then IT’S ~CRAIG MANNING~ TIME.

Kolleen: Hey y’all! Sorry we stink and haven’t been updating. TIMES ARE BUSY/ TOUGH/ etc. But luckily, Degrassi is ALWAYS there for us. So I’m gonna tell you what you want, what you really really want: I am going to review this Spice Girls’ homage of an episode, Wannabe, just for you.

We open with Liberty interviewing Hazel and Paige about their new school sanctioned club! How EXCITING! It’s a cheerleading club (or team or whatever). Libs wants to know what they would say to someone who thinks cheerleading is ‘sexist’ (is this ‘someone’ YOU, Liberty?) and Hazel only has one thing to say: GET OVER IT! Also interviewed is some kid we have never seen before who looks kind of like a bizarro version of my friend Ryan.

Who are you, exactly?

When the interview is over– and before anyone can breathe a relaxing, cleansing sigh of relief that Liberty is gone– Manny shows up wanting in on this cheerleading gig. Paige asks her what she can do, and Manny does an impressive double cartwheel. I could never cartwheel so I am instantly jelly. You hear some off- screen voice say “Wow, look what she can do!” so this is obviously the most exciting thing to ever happen in Degrassi’s hallways. Emma feels like cheerleading is a step backwards for the young feminists of Degrassi, She says she doubts that the men on the squad will be wearing tight shirts and short skirts (to which Manny gasps, “I hope not!” Not cool Manny. Not cool). Manny insists cheerleading is fun and Emma almost throws up all over her. She says she’s “SURPRISED”. Has she been paying attention to Manny at all, ever? She’s a quintessential cheerleader!

Meanwhile, in the cafeteria, Toby and JT are mowing down on Pringles (or some brand that is supposed to be Pringles. I can’t catch the brand name). They are trying to win a contest, as evidenced from this picture:

I love Pringles. I wish I had some.

They’re trying to win some ~*krunk financialz*~ and to do that they need the Ace of Spades and Ace of Clubs but they’re in search for the Clubs, dammit! So they harass Liberty for her “chip” can, and she calls them pathetic. For once, I agree with her. This is lame. Of course Liberty’s can has the Ace of Clubs printed inside, and of COURSE Toby does a terrible job of concealing this. So now they have to share the wealth. Toby, you fool!

Emma and Manny are trying to find a seat when Paige interrupts asking Manny to do the cartwheel again. Of course you hear that same disembodied voice: “Wow! She’s still amazing!” No shit! She didn’t forget how to cartwheel in half an afternoon. Emma is disgusted. Just disgusted. She’s the only one who hates cheerleading and she wants everyone to conform to her stupid opinion. Manny just wants the subject dropped.

Liberty is working hard to convince JT and Toby that they need her, so they’ll have to split the pot 50/50– or as Spinner interjects, 45/45 (which doesn’t even make sense!). See, Spinner has been eavesdropping! Oh but wait, he only wants 10%– for “protection”. They for some reason all agree this is a good idea. They’re rich! 1 million smackers!

Outside, Paige and Hazel ask Manny what’s wrong, and like a girl desperate to fit in, she throws Emma right under the feminism bus! Some friend. In an obvious attempt to sway Manny from Emma’s grasp, they ask her if she wants some “girl time” and they all walk away arm in arm, three horribly dressed wenches.

Manny’s pants literally go up to right below her boobs.

At Manny’s they all dish on who’s hot and who’s not. Just as they start making fun of Emma, she calls, like some stalker with a sixth sense. Manny gives her the ole “I’m sick, please don’t embarrass my new friends with your feminist rhetoric” spiel. Of course Paige opens her big mouth and Emma figures out that Manny has ditched her for cooler chicks.

Oh yeah, and JT can’t find that Pringles container. Idiot.

At cheerleading practice the next day, Hazel demonstrates a terrible toe- touch and Paige says she bets Manny can do it better, which she does, of course, then adds a split for extra gusto. Hazel is not happy. In the hall, Emma looks on, dejected and sad. And a little creepy. And if I know Emma, she is going to go back on her promise not to write about how sexist cheerleading is, all because she feels rejected by her friend.

What a creep

And BAM. Faster than you can say “sore loser” Emma is in Lib’s office, asking her if she can submit a last minute article for the Grapevine. WHAT A BITCH. Of course Liberty is all aboard the anti- cheer campaign, probably because cheering requires perfect posture, and as you can see from this picture, Liberty is lacking in that department:

Ole pretzel- posture van Zandt

Emma’s piece is all about how cheerleaders are bimbos, by the way. It’s insanely slut- shaming and misogynistic so I suggest she take a Feminist Theory course. Liberty is ok with how harsh it is, but is a little confused as to why Emma is suddenly attacking Manny in a totally passive- aggressive way. Emma calls Manny a phony, then they talk about Liberty’s ugly red cowgirl boots for a bit.

If Craig doesn’t show up soon, I’m going to punch myself in the face.

This episode is so boring. Emma runs into ManPaiZel (my portmanteau for Manny, Paige, and Hazel– feel free to use it) in the hall where a string of not so cutting insults are exchanged: “Shouldn’t you be testing your makeup on ANIMALS?” “Shouldn’t you be hugging a TREE?” I mean listen, ladies, you’ll never make it in the real world if you can’t come up with some unprintable words to call each other. Manny reads Emma’s article and storms off in tears. Emma follows her into the bathroom and they have a fight about how Paige may or may not be using Manny. Emma calls Paige a WANNABE. I don’t know what she wants to be, but she’s a wannabe, dammit. Manny tells Emma that she’s so boring, she wants to scream. Butthurtedness commences.

JT has to admit to Toby that he lost the Ace of Spades can, and Toby FREAKS. They try desperately to retrace JTs steps. Spinner is even ready to beat him up! This is serious. He threatens to stuff JT in his locker– LIGHTBULB! It’s probably in his disease- ridden, hoarded to the hilt locker. He finds the can and guess what– THEY’RE BOTH ACE OF CLUBS. Locker stuffing ensues, and with good cause.

In the hall, Manny sees Paige and Hazel stealing all the copies of the Grapevine. They go to task ripping the op-ed out of each issue. Manny is obviously conflicted but she needs to make this squad, dammit! The peer pressure is so high, it’s borderline hazing. So Manny joins in on the vandalism. Of course it is not long before Emma finds out, and Mr. Simpson has to confront the girls. Paige denies it vehemently (and poorly). Manny’s guilt is overwhelming. She is just about to confess when Paige throws Hazel under the bus!!! OMG. Simpson warns them that more incidents like this will result in activities being cancelled. Manny is so disgusted by Paige’s backstabbing, and she threatens to blame it all on Manny if she spills the beans. She even says “What is your damage?” which is a great insult that I may adopt into my everyday conversations. They have WORDS in the hall in front of everyone! Paige storms away in a huff– I don’t think Manny will be cheering this year.

Emma and Manny tenderly make up. Emma apologizes and Manny says she just wanted to have fun. You know what? She really DID just want to have fun, and because Emma is a childish weirdo she had to make things complicated. I mean it doesn’t help that Paige is such a two- faced jerk, but really, Emma started this chain of events by being really annoying about her ideologies. THERE IS A TIME AND A PLACE EMMA. Somehow I don’t think she’s learned her lesson.

Whew. What a hard episode to cover, mostly because I know Craig is so close yet he seems so far. See you soon, everyone, and don’t forget to vote in our poll!

Letty: Jeez, with friends like this, who needs enemies? AMIRITE. I’m glad we have each other Kolleen. We can just sup on Arbor Mist and hold hands and be merry. Everyone look for my article in the Grapevine about how poetry is for losers. SIKE.

P.S. Can I just say how excited I am that we are back and that we are ONE STEP CLOSER TO CRAIG. I can almost taste him.

Kolleen: Hey guys! It’s Jimmy’s birthday!!! This is appropriate because it’s going to be Letty’s son’s birthday and today is my friend Jon’s birthday, so it’s like birthday central over here. I have a head cold and slept until 3pm today, but I will try to be somewhat entertaining.

Jimmy is all about being a man now that he’s turning 14. He invites Ashley over to his house for a birthday feast! She scoffs at the idea of ordering another pizza at the Jimster’s, but he promises his mom is making lobster for everyone. Ashley is shocked. I feel like Jimmy’s parent’s may be a wee bit absentee. Jimmy kisses Ashley goodbye and she smiles like he just molested her dog and then as he leaves she rolls her eyes like he just farted in her face. She is SICK of him, guys. He’s had dinner at her house every night for the past 8 nights! This totally means he’s being a huge pest and isn’t at all lonely or something.

Dinner? Again? What a pain in the ass!

Ashley feels so suffocated that she lies to Jimmy and says she and Terri are having a girl’s night so please don’t bother coming over.

Meanwhile in Media, Sean has found this cool new website that tells your future based on stars and your birthday and stuff. He’s stumbled onto MissCleo.com! Emma rolls her eyes because Sean is too poor to know what astrology is. Manny wants to know all about her future, and Emma is totally pissed off because they all have an astronomy test in 15 minutes and no one wants to study how many moons Jupiter has (13). Come test time Emma feels like she’s failed and lashes out at Manny. Why is she being such a crab-apple?

At home, Terri and Ashley are all about their girls’ night until she sees Jimmy shooting hoops with Toby. He says to pretend like he’s not there. YEAH RIGHT. She complains to her mom about how she’s so sick of him and her mom reminds her that Jimmy is always alone and has really crappy parents. Ashley is so selfish.

At Emma’s, a horrible soap opera plays: “We are born alone, we die alone, we shouldn’t live our lives alone”. First of all, we are NOT born alone. To be born, one must come out of one’s mother– so that’s instantly “not alone”. Plus there are usually doctors and stuff around. This guys is way off the mark. But Emma is legit SOBBING over it, and into a bag of chips.

;___;

She talks to her mom about how humans are just little specks in the universe, and her mom tells her she totally understands and takes her out for some “retail therapy”. Everything is going well– Emma gets a new sweater!– until this creep ruins everything:

“I’d like a lick of your cone”

He makes a sexual innuendo regarding their ice cream cones and Spike is not happy. She says she knows what he was referring to and guess what, you can’t talk to young women that way! He says he was kidding and she reminds him about rape culture. She tells Emma not to ever let a guy make her feel bad for being a female.

Ashley yells at Toby for having Jimmy over for dinner, and tells Terri she feels so suffocated that she should just break up with him. Toby immediately drops a plate. Now’s your chance, Tobes!

The next day at school Emma is wearing her new sweater with her white skirt. Wait a minute– bitchy attitude, roller- coaster emotions, white skirt… I get what’s happening here. In the halls Jimmy gets bombarded with calls of “Happy Birthday!” and doused with Silly String. Tobes makes some weird analogy to not suffocating the basketball being like not suffocating girls and Jimmy is like “IS THAT HOW ASHLEY FEELS?”. Way to go, Toby, you’re ruining the one good thing Degrassi has.

Sean approaches Emma outside to apologize for looking up interesting things when he should have been helping her learn which planets have rings. She says it’s her fault for acting like a psychopath and asks him to read her horoscope before class. She stands to leave and Manny quickly pulls her down and tells her that it looks like Emma has sat on a severed pig’s head. Emma gets all frazzled and shoos Sean away. Will she be stuck on that bench forever?

Jimmy tells Ashley not to bother coming to LobsterFest tonight, and she’s like, “BUT ITS YOUR BIRTHHHHDAY”. He rolls his eyes at her. How does it feel, Ash? Getting a taste of your own eye- rolling medicine? Meanwhile Emma and Manny are shuffling off to the bathroom with Manny holding a notebook over Emma’s period- stain. She says they should celebrate because Emma is a woman now and can get pregnant. Oh Manny, you are a delight.

Not getting that notebook back.

So now Emma and Manny are trying desperately to figure out how to hide this monstrosity of an event, since it’s basically summer and they have no jackets, and both of their gym shorts are at home being washed. Manny leaves to figure it out and Emma is horrified. They have a big book report to present! Look, here’s some real talk: the same thing happened to me when I was in 8th grade (it wasn’t my first period, but it was a nightmarish one) and I just had someone take me home. Screw the book report, Ems! You’re a woman now, go home and eat some ice cream!

Ashley tells Toby to let the fam know that she’ll be at Jimmy’s for dinner, and he asks her why she’s even bothering when she’s just going to dump Jimmy. He reminds her that it’s totally rude to bring people into your life just to ditch them. I feel like he’s talking more about him mom than anyone here, you know? Poor kid.

Emma is still in the ladies’ room, missing class like a cool kid, when in waltzes PAIGE. Oh god, what bs is Paige going to pull with poor Emma? Shockingly, nothing… she’s actually helpful, handing her a pad (with wings! Always a lifesaver) and telling her how awesome it is be a woman with boobs. Emma says she doesn’t want to turn out like whorish Paige and Paige is like YOU WISH. Manny comes bursting into the bathroom with gym shorts that are at least a size 13XXX. What a help, this girl is. They bust in late to Mrs. Quan’s class, Emma struggling to keep those shorts on. JT and Toby start cracking jokes and ask her if she peed her pants and she tells the whole class that she just got her period for the first time! What bravery!

Jimmy and Ashley show up at his house and no one is there. It’s so sad. He’s so excited and they just totally ditched him. ON HIS BIRTHDAY. He checks his messages and his parents are working late again. Ashley invites him to her house for wings and he says Toby told him she was feeling suffocated and asks if she wants to break up. They have a fight… this is obviously projection. She leaves and he calls the pizza place, and they know him by name! “Yup, the usual, medium pepperoni.” Full circle.

The next day Emma tells Manny that she doesn’t feel any different, but her mom’s rant at that potential rapist inspired her to write up a petition to have a tampon machine put into the girl’s bathroom. I’m pretty sure she could just ASK Mr. Radish but of course everything has to be some weird campaign. Paige signs it, then asks Sean if he wants to sign too (to embarrass Emma, of course). He does, saying if Emma came up with it, it must be good! SWOON.

Jimmy and Ashley meet up at the lockers. She says she doesn’t want to break up and he’s overreacting. He hugs her and tells her he loves her. And once again the episode just ends. This episode tricked me. I thought it would be mostly about Jimmy “coming of age” because it was his birthday, but it was just about Emma’s ruined white skirt. Oh Degrassi, I never know what I’ll get with you!

Letty: Emma is a strong, independent woman who don’t need no man to take care of her.

Kolleen: Oh wow! Another goddamned Ashley episode. They should just rename this show ASHLEY: THE NEXT GENERATION. Ashley’s parents are obviously divorced, since we know her mom lives with Toby’s dad. So it’s shocking to see Ashley getting a ride home from her bio dad after a delcious brunch! He is a reporter or something and is going to speak at her school. He’s also pretty hunky. He’s back from a short stint living in London.

As Ashely walks into the house, her mom and sorta- step- dad are fighting over how he never remembers to rinse vinegar through the dishwater. Like an idiot, he never considers HARD WATER. Who does really? Shut it, Kate. Kate also seems verrrry interested in what her ex had to say while at brunch. Is she rethinking her divorce? Maybe she wants to rekindle the romance?

In class, Terri and Ash gush over a locket that used to belong to Terri’s dead mom. Kind of creepy. It has no context to the show other than to shoehorn in the fact that Terri’s mom is dead. Then Mrs. Quan comes in and reminds them all about their test on Lord of the Flies (still? Man, what a rough semester). And she is holding the coolest goddamned poster in the history of posters:

Woah.

Ashley tells Terri about how her mom was asking all about her dad and thinks something is up. Meanwhile in Media Immersion, Toby is basically teaching the class and Emma is grilling Sean about whether or not he wrote a haiku that’s due for Mrs. Quan’s class. Are there only two teachers in this school? Sean doesn’t care at all about haikus, but of course Emma has to recite hers NOW instead of just waiting for class to start.

“Ancient waves so pure/ Lapping on the shores of time/ Early death our fault”

Sean is obviously so bored with Emma. She says the haiku is about our polluted oceans and he says “mmhmm”. I could end the review right there– he’s won at Degrassi. Just tune her out, Sean, and hope that she’ll give it up for you at some point so you can never talk to her again. Luckily before she can go on about holes in the ozone layer JT throws a paper airplane, breaking the magical spell. Mr. Snake is PISSED until Liberty takes the blame. WHATTTTTTT? JT wonders why she would do such a thing and Emma points out that Libs is totes crushing on him. It’s so ~obvious~. This is the same Emma that didn’t realize Toby was renting endangered turtle DVDs to woo her a week ago. Liberty asks if she can interview JT for some reason and JT agrees even though it seems like he’d rather be stabbing himself in the eyes with rusty nails.

I am a poetry student and I think this is the greatest thing that has ever been written, in my honest opinion. Mrs. Quan LOVES it. Next Libs is up. She recites some awful thing about how JT is cute, but without using his name. Then she makes the googliest of faces at him and he gets super uncomfortable. If I were JT, I would file a complaint with someone.

Shut up Liberty.

Ash’s dad is in Media Immersion talking about how in Kosovo he got shot at and still has shrapnel in his butt. Everyone is all gooshy over him. Man, the hormones are running buck- wild at Degrassi! I’m surprised no one is pregnant yet. Paige wants to bang him and is so confused as to why Ashley’s parents split. Ashley says they just didn’t get along. I’m sure that’s the whole story and he isn’t harboring some deep secret or anything.

JT hides from Liberty in his locker but she still finds him, and he tells her off, using the excuse that he has dance lessons with Toby. She doesn’t buy it, because she’s obviously a homophobe.

Ashley’s dad drives her home and they run into her mom. She wants to catch up with Ashley’s dad and they send her off so they can obviously talk about how shitty her eyebrows are. When he leaves, her mom goes on and on about how handsome and charming he is. Ashley suggests they get back together because they’re all secrety and weird lately, and her mom gets that look moms get when they are about to tell you they slept with your boyfriend. Ash senses something’s up and demands answers. She’s like, “What’s, he like, gay?!” and her mom is like, “YES YOU DUMB BITCH.”

CORE: ROCKED

The next day at school, JT and Toby are discussing with great curiosity how men could make love to other men, because men are gross. Tobes’ sage wisdom: “Some people are just gay, I guess.” Brilliant words from a brilliant man. Terri totally knows something is up with Ashley because she’s sitting alone all dejected like someone told her to fix her eyebrows or something, and wants to know if she can help. Of course PAIGE has to butt in and asks if she can talk. She seems like her normal bitchy self and asks if she thinks Ashley’s stylish dad could maybe be gay. However the grand irony is Paige isn’t being a bitch– she really is trying to help because her older brother is gay! But since Ashley has to be all sensey- defensey, she throws her chocolate milk at Paige, which is of course hilarious.

MILKED’D~~~

Liberty asks Emma if she has a chance with JT. JT is annoyed because she won’t take the hint that he would rather make love to a shag rug then ever touch Liberty. So he comes up with a fool- proof plan to pretend he’s gay so that she’ll leave him alone. Like that will work with no social repercussions at all. He tells her and she thinks he’s joking, but then is super supportive and denies liking him. At least we know Liberty isn’t a homophobe. I hate homophobes. To prove he’s all about men, he later saunters into class like an extra on RuPaul’s Drag Race. She doesn’t buy it.

“Hey, Liberty, girlfriend!”

Ash and her dad have a heart to heart about how her parents wanted to wait til she was older to know that he liked bros, not hos. He had to find himself, even if it meant hurting everyone he’s built a life with. That’s kind of low, but at least he hates himself for hurting them. She seems okay with it. But then she asks if he’s ever banged another dude and he says mostly just his partner Christopher. She realizes he left her family for CHRISTOPHER. He said he fell in love, and that’s all he can say about it. She is DISGUSTED. Maybe it’s just the thought of blonde, mustachioed Christopher, but she yells at her dad for lying to her and runs off.

The next day Liberty is sporting a rainbow ribbon in her hair– she’s really a supportive gal– and suggests that JT come out in the next issue of the Grapevine to be an inspiration for others. He admits he’s not gay and she is sort of pissed that he didn’t just say that he wasn’t interested. In his defense, he DID hide in a closet to get away from her, and she didn’t seem to bat an eyelash. Drastic measures.

Terri tells Ash to get over her dad being gay because Terri’s mom is DEAD and that is WAY WORSE. Then, once more, the episode just ends with Ashley looking all morose and introspective. Man, I can’t wait til Craig shows up. These episodes are killing me. For what it’s worth, this was Jeff (my husband)’s favorite episode to date (he is forced to watch it with me as I review).

Kolleen: HOLD UP. Is “Basketball Diaries” even a song? I don’t think it is (I could be wrong, feel free to correct me). I know it’s a MOVIE (and a not very good one at that). Dammit DGN, get your crap together!

This is a Jimmy- centric episode, which we DEFINITELY need. We need as much footage of Jimmy walking and running as possible. We open with basketball try-outs. Coach Armstrong says they’re playing Earl Grey soon, and he needs to make 3 cuts. Who will make the team? Jimmy is obviously a shoe-in. I can’t wait for them to play Rooibos Chai later in the season. Jimmy has doubts and skips homeroom to practice more, even though Spinner insists he is “burning up the floor out there”, which I’m pretty sure is a felony, but whatever.

As Jimmy saunters into English, Miss Quan (I think I spelled her name wrong in previous posts– oh well) asks him for his English assignment that she ALREADY gave him an extension on. He is really amped on making the team and is slacking in her class big time, but he says he’s on top of his reading. I’ll bet you a fiver he isn’t.

Liberty is rushing to get the morning announcements to Ashley. She gets in right before the bell and Ashley gives her the bitchiest look in Degrassi history.

Doesn’t even GAF about the cute joke Libs included at the end

Of course the joke is HILARIOUS (“If you see the Earl Grey team holding lighters, it’s because they always lose their matches”– excuse me while I compose myself) and a huge hit with the kids. Everyone tells Liberty that she should be mad because she does all the work and gets none of the mad swag that comes with doing the morning announcements. Sean tells her not to bother because extracurricular activities are for chumps. Toby points out that he’s going out for b-ball, but Sean says his social worker is making him and he couldn’t give a rat’s a—-

OH! Mr. Snake pops in and cuts off Sean’s swearing. Good thing, he probably would have landed back in juvie or whatever. Liberty says she gets mad that people think Ash is so clever when she’s just reading Liberty’s words, and Manny says “Yeah, a monkey could do that.” WAIT A MINUTE. Was that a racist shot at Liberty? I think it was. Manny is so rude.

Miss Quan opens up the class to a discussion about chapter 8 of Lord of the Flies, which I had to read twice in grade school because I was so gifted. She asks Jimmy about his thoughts and he says “It’s great”. Oh Jimmy COME ON. Do they not have Cliffs Notes in Canada? She asks what character he relates to and he says “the main one. The Lord of the Flies.” She informs him that the LOTF is a severed pig’s head resting on a stake (because of course British kids can’t keep a handle on things for more than 10 minutes while left alone).

“But I really DO feel like a severed head!”

It’s a sad day when SPINNER is telling Jimmy to get a handle on his academics. As they discuss, Spinner’s alarm goes off and he downs a pill. It’s Ritalin, and it makes him a complete zombie, but without it he’s a maniac– it’s why they call him Spinner!

Liberty tells Ashley she wants to read the announcements and Ashley scoffs at her. Remember when your whole life was this chaotic? When you fought about such things as who would read morning announcements at school? Now I stress about paying my car insurance. Oh to be young and stupid. Liberty tells Ashley she is going to go on strike if she doesn’t give her some face time. Liberty says Ashley can do all the research, it only takes like “an hour a day, IF you’re fast”. Remember the school is running on dial- up so it must be hard to look up whatever the hell they’re talking about. What the hell research do you need to do for morning announcements? At my school it was all “Today’s lunch will be turkey slop. Thank you” (I’m not kidding, every third Thursday was Turkey Slop, and it was the best). Ashley relents because she knows Liberty is going to make a fool of herself.

In the locker room, Jimmy is still stressing about making the team and Spinner is busy reassuring him while touching the same three basketballs on a shelf over and over. I can’t tell if this is a subtle nod to his Ritalin making him ULTRA focused or if he’s just killing time method acting. As Spinner takes yet another pill, Jimmy says he wishes there were a pill he could take to “boost [him] up” since he has to pull an all- nighter for Mrs. Quan’s class. Jimmy, stop being coy and just ask Spinner for a Ritalin already. I hate when people do that “oooh I don’t know what I need to help me but you might know” thing. If you want to steal your friend’s medicine because you can’t handle basketball and Lord of the Flies then at least be a man about it.

Drugs are bad, mmmmkay?

Jimmy finishes his assignment (handwritten on loose leaf– an automatic F in my book) but now he’s dead on his feet. He FINALLY gets the nerve to ask Spinner for his Ritalin. Just this once. Riiiiiiight. “It’s not illegal,” he says. Um, I don’t know about Canada, but in AMERICA swapping pills is most definitely frowned upon. Spinner relents anyway. Have you ever taken a Ritalin pill? It’s not fun. This is not going to end well.

Liberty’s time to shine has arrived! She is ready for the morning announcements. Will she be the next Connie Chung?

The answer is “no”.

We are subjected to 9 minutes of Liberty pretending her face is a glob of silly putty before she realizes she’s on air. Then she reads from the cue cards like she’s Burgess Meredith in “Time Enough At Last”. Ashley feels so bad. So bad. Everyone in school is making fun of Liberty and she’s running away with her hand over her mouth every two seconds. She does the typical high school girl thing and cries in the bathroom. I never used the bathrooms at my high school. They were disgusting and some of them even had missing doors. In the event I had to use the facilities, I used the nurse’s office, every time. So I really can’t relate to this “having a heart to heart in the bathroom” thing. Ashley finds her there and gives her these comforting words: “You weren’t great, but you weren’t horrible”. Well, at least we know Ash is truthful if nothing else.

Meanwhile that Ritalin has kicked in and Jimmy is acting like any old addict on Intervention, stopping short of picking the invisible bugs off his skin. Of course because he missed a pill, Spinner is ~spinning~ out of control, and at halftime does this awful dance and moons the whole gymnasium. Mr. Radditch (I want to call him Mr. Radish. Can I?) is NOT impressed. Meanwhile Coach A is telling them all to play like a team and Jimmy is just flying off the rails like he’s an extra in that movie Spun.

Shake that groove thang!

Mr. Radish tells Spinner he can’t participate in any after school activities until the end of the semester, and tells him that he’ll have to take his pills in front of the secretary from now on. Sounds rad to me, he gets to get out of class 3 times a day!

On the court, Jimmy is being a ball hog and Coach A is not pleased. Sean gets the ball and Jimmy fouls him on purpose to score some points and win the game. Everyone thinks Jimmy is the man and no one seems to care that Sean is crippled on the floor because he basically tore an ACL or whatever.

Sean is moments away from a season on the bench.

Degrassi won 39-37! But Emma wants to know why Jimmy was acting like a total dick. Liberty shows up on the announcements, calm cool and sure of herself like Ashley taught her, but then she is reminded that she’ll have to wait til next year to do them on the reg, since this is Ashley’s world and Liberty is just lucky enough to be living in it.

After the game Coach A lists of Jimmy’s infractions. They are:

-Showboating-Ball- hogging-Blowing plays-Not being a team player-Hurting Sean and not caring

Coach A has a zero tolerance policy for violence, and he can’t take a chance on Jimmy’s wildcard behavior. He cuts him from the team, and hopefully Jimmy has learned that drugs are never the answer. I’m really bummed that I didn’t have a Coach Armstrong in my life when I was a teenager, but then again, I hated basketball.

God, I’m glad this episode is over. Where is an episode just about Paige? Or Manny? When will Hazel show up? WHERE IS CRAIG? Since there are only 15 episodes this season, I hope these questions are answered soon!

Letty: Oh Liberty. Liberty, Liberty, Bliberty. It’s a shame that Spinner wasn’t on Adderall instead of Ritalin, because that is a much better recreational drug (DON’T DO DRUGS, KIDS) BZZZT, IMPORTANT ALERT: My friend Margaret informed me that she once saw Sean on the subway in New York and he was as moody and smoldering in person as he is on television.

Letty: Kolleen is busy playing at the beach so I am going to tackle this episode of DNG. It’s been a while since I’ve watched these old episodes so I am mega pumped revisit them and be steeped in awkwardness.

Well, Parents’ Day is approaching at Degrassi and Toby and JT are NOT looking forward to it. Toby’s parents are divorced and it turns out his bat shit crazy mom is planning on coming to Parents’ Day. As it is now, Tobes spends every other weekend with his mom and the rest of the time with his dad. When his parents are together it’s ALL OUT WAR (which in Canada could very well mean just a minor spat). JT doesn’t want his parents to come to Parents’ Night and find out about the ‘D’ he received on his last math test. To be fair, The ‘D’ should come as no surprise to his parents as it is apparent JT has some sort of learning disability based on the fact that he is wearing orange rave pants to school. Class starts and instead of Ashley’s normal morning announcements the class watches NAK, News About Kids. Emma rolls her eyes and seems put out by having to watch NAK because of their blatant product placement, but is soon drawn in by their gripping report on “squeegee kids”, homeless kids who survive by cleaning car windows.

Concerned or constipated?

Emma is quite the opinionated young woman and takes offense to NAK’s claims that the squeegee kids use their bum money for drugs and tattoos and protests that they are just trying to make a living. Since idealististic Emma isn’t one to just let shit lie, you know that we are going to have to hear more about this whether we want to or not. ::yawwwn::

Meanwhile, Paige and Terri walk in on Ashley pouting in the bathroom mirror. Ashley is morose because according to bitchy Paige, Ashley goes “all manic depressive” when she doesn’t get to give the morning announcements. It’s a good thing Emma wasn’t in the bathroom because then she would probably lecture Paige about stereotyping people with psychiatric disorders or something boring like that. Terri agrees with Paige’s assertion that Ashley is a sad sack bitch when she doesn’t get to give the announcements, but thinks that Ashley is a better reporter than those NAK kids and should get an agent. OF COURSE. I mean ~~Heather Sinclair~~has an agent, why not Ashley?!? It turns out that Tobe’s mom is a casting agent and with Ashley’s radiant beauty, over plucked eyebrows, and on-air experience, Terri knows that Ashley will definitely be signed. Terri and Ashley leave the bathroom tittering like inane chickens while bitchy Paige stares at the two thin greasy strands of hair hanging in her face in the mirror and seethes with jealousy.

Girl, Imma gonna take some scissors to those hair strings.

Outside at lunch, Emma is ranting and raving about how NAK is for chumps and that the news show is trying to buy the students’ “brand loyalty” and discourage creative thinking or some bullshit like that. She storms off to take action and her friends seem relieved that she is leaving. JT quips, “Imagine being her for a day.” Yes, imagine having a million sticks up your ass. Emma has a ballsy meeting with the principal, Mr. Radditch, who explains that in exchange for showing NAK’s crappy biased newscasts, the school received 18 new computers. Emma screeches about bribery and Mr. Radditch shoots her down by telling her that the parents voted for it and that not every kid has a computer at home. Probably just to get her the hell out of his office, he tells her to write an editorial about it that has to be in by 4 pm THAT AFTERNOON. Determined as always, Emma sets her jaw and gets to work.

Under a bridge somewhere, trolly insecure Paige is worried that Ashley is prettier than her and Spinner’s claims that he could TOTALLY see Ashley on television does nothing to make her feel better. On a unrelated topic, Paige is like supposed to be the HBIC at Degrassi and the best dude she could snag is Spinner, a guy she stole from her chubby friend? What’s the deal with that? There aren’t any cuter available guys in the ENTIRE school? Anyway, Paige makes it clear to Ashley that she is going to have some competition in getting Toby’s mom’s attention.

While Paige is busy being crappy, Emma is hard at work with Manny on her editorial in the computer lab. Manny is such a good friend, she puts up with all of Emma’s sanctimonious shit and actually seems interested in what Emma is trying to write. Super bad boy, Sean is also in computer lab and has all of his personal belongings in a chair so Manny has to stand. He scoffs at Emma’s editorial pursuits and leaves in a huff when the girls ask if he could move all his crap so Manny could sit down. That boy, he sure has a chip on his shoulder. Meanwhile, across the lab, Toby has come up with the master plan of forging a letter from Mr. Simpson stating that because of Toby’s “exemplery purformance in all of his scholastic pursuits” his parents don’t need to attend Parents’ Day. Solid plan Tobes, no need to spell check, carry on.

Emma hauls ass down the hall (she really does move with the grace and charm of a young Audrey Hepburn) to turn in her editorial and then unfortunately we are treated to a super irritating scene between Liberty and Emma in which Liberty acts like some sort of hardass newspaper editor from the 1920’s. She says things like, “I’m trying to run a professional operation here.” and the entire time the only thing I could focus on were Liberty’s weird pre-boobies, because I am some sort of pervert or something. How did Liberty get to be editor of the school newspaper anyway? She is only a 7th grader.

UGH.

Toby gives his fake spelling mistake ladened letter to his dad and immediately his dad wants to know what is up. Tobes confesses that his mom wants to come to Parents’ Night and that he would rather get caught watching porn with JT again, than have his two parents in a room together because he knows they are going to bicker. His dad promises to be on his best behavior.

BZZT! It’s Parents’ Night! Let the ~~drama~~ begin! Ashley, dressed like a beatnik poet in a black turtleneck, is primping in the bathroom. She is so nervous she is shaking and can’t apply her eyeliner properly. She asks Terri to help, and Terri with all the grace of a chimpanzee learning to use a fork, nearly pokes Ashley’s eye out. Ashley says some bitchy things to Terri (I’m glad Terri has such good friends!), when Paige busts out of the bathroom stall wearing a slinky, gold snakeskin top that bares her belly. Her shirt reminds me of a pair of snakeskin pants I bought a Gadzooks when I was 16. I wore them once and I still feel embarrassed by it. It dawns on Ashley that Paige is trying to show off for Toby’s mom, but when his mom finally shows up, she just brushes both of those dumb broads off.

Things start off normal at the meeting between Mr. Simpson and Toby’s parents but then they start blaming each other for Toby’s educational failings. Things are escalating and just when I think that Toby’s dad is going to yell at his mom for being a frigid bitch in bed, Toby stands up for himself and makes them stop arguing. Just like that Tobes sprouted his very first pubic hair.

Out in the hallway Emma and her mom, Spike, walk past a bulletin board featuring Emma’s editorial about NAK. At the same time bad boy Sean and his even more bad boy older brother,TRACKER, are walking out of a classroom discussing the editorial. Tracker says the writer of the editorial is a idiot and Emma, never being one to just shut the hell up, runs her mouth off and says that he is the idiot because he didn’t get the point. Tracker tells her they can’t afford a computer at home and without the free computers at school Sean would be falling behind at school. He then crumbles up her article and calls it garbage. I have never been so aroused in my life.

After a successful meeting with Mr. Simpson, Toby and his parents are leaving when they are bombarded by Ashley and Paige. Paige tries to be all sickly sweet and awkwardly gives his mom a polaroid of herself “to remember her by”. Again, both Ashley and Paige are given the brush off. But wait! Toby’s mom notices plain ‘ole Terri (who I actually think is very pretty, but has an extremely unfortunate gait.) by the door and hands her a business card and tells her to call if she’s ever interested in acting. Take that bitchy friends!

How could you resist those perfectly plucked brows?

With that, Parents’ Day is over. The next day at school Emma and Sean are sitting next to each other in the computer lab. Emma keeps shooting Sean these weird guilty looks and finally she gets up the nerve to send him an instant message apologizing for being a bitch to his brother. Sean tells her that her article wasn’t garbage and a super creepy closed mouth smile spreads across Emma’s face, a smile that will surely haunt my dreams.

::shudder::

After that, the episode is finally over. Well, not before Mr. Simpson punishes Toby for his shitty forgery job and makes him write a 10-page essay on why it’s wrong to falsify documents. Dude, really a 10-page essay? That’s harsh, bro.

Hopefully the next episode of Degrassi will feature something more scandalous than editorials and bickering parents–BOOOOOORING. I am ready for some real ~drama~. I hope you had fun at the beach Kolleen! ❤

Kolleen: You bet your sweet bippy I had fun at the beach! Sun, sand, surf, German fries… Then I took a nap and went to see the Helmet/Toadies concert at the Paradise in Boston. It’s been a LONG day.

Letty, I’m glad you tackled this episode. I thought it was so dull. I mean I guess seeing Terri get that comeuppance I was alluding to earlier was good, but I really thought this episode was a snoozefest. And can we talk about Tracker for a minute? Hillbilly name aside, he was the best thing this episode had going for him. I would make sweet love to him in a janitorial closet any day.

I’ll be back with more DGN tomorrow (technically today), and tune in Sunday when I tackle the pilot episode of My So Called Life!

Hey y’all. Look, I’m just going to shorten Degrassi: The Next Generation to DNG. It’s easier. Obviously S is for Season and Ep is for Episode. And lucky for us (or whatever) DNG starts off with a TWO- PARTER. When I was younger I hated multiple episode arcs. Remember when Punky Brewster had to live with those rich people? That took up 5 episodes. It was awful. (Side note to Letty: let’s review Punky Brewster).

There is a LOT going on in these introductory episodes. I almost felt as though I should have watched the original series and DJH (figure it out) for background, but let’s face it, we can figure out who is who as we go. Our story opens with Emma (Miriam McDonald, with terrible buckteeth and atrocious hair) and her biffle Manny (Cassie Steele, who will go on to become quite the character), gushing over the worst email graphics I have ever seen. Apparently our Emma is online- dating an older boy (16!) named Jordan who is doing things to save the rain forest or some shit teenagers don’t do. She has been trying to figure out how to meet Jordan IRL without her mom (Spike! from the original Degrassi!) finding out about it. Spike is distracted by her upcoming 10 year Degrassi reunion (meaning of course that she was– gasp– an unwed teenage mother!) to notice her daughter is falling under the alluring spell of an online predator.

We are introduced to a bunch of old Degrassi characters from the original series– Snake (now a teacher), Joey (a car dealer whose wife is dead), Lucy (was in an accident, has a cane), and Caitlin Ryan (environmental journalist with douchebag fiance). Is there a love connection between any of these people? We’ll find out in upcoming episodes, obv.

We meet the adorkable JT (Ryan Cooley), who meets up with his old camp buddy Toby (Jake Goldsby) in front of the computer lab which has new state of the art computers that run on….HIGH SPEED TELEPHONE ACCESS! Whooooooo! The four kids hang out, talking about this Jordan who wants to meet at a hotel TOMORROW. JT seems to know all about stranger danger but the other kids are just whatever about it.

Finally it’s the night of the reunion. Emma tells Manny she doesn’t want company because there’s this new show on environmental whatever the hell– she’s really going to see Jordan. Spike and Snake are snuggling on the dance floor, Luke is watching Caitlin’s fiance try to bang some slut, everyone complains about almost turning 30– OH CRY ME A RIVER.

Meanwhile Emma is a moment away from losing her innocence and naivety. Luckily for her, Manny figures it out, JT and Toby break into her email and realize “Jordan” has been doing the same thing– and this exchange occurs:

“What’s her mom’s favorite band?”

“The Pogues? Who are the Pogues?”

UGH.

So they go warn Spike that her daughter is about to become a statistic, Spike and Snake take off to the hotel. Spike calls the police: “My daughter is with someone she met on the internet, please hurry!” And hangs up. So helpful. Meanwhile “Jordan” is really some 40 year old who has Emma locked in a hotel room, about to tape some bad business.

Lucky for stupid Emma, her friends (and her shitty computer security skills) saved her damned life. Snake threatens to kick the dude’s ass, the cops arrest him and confiscate Emma’s computer (and totally victim- blame her in the process), and Spike tells Emma she’s too smart to be so stupid.

Teenage idiocy is my favorite thing. Reliving DNG will be fun. But how long does it take to get to Craig?

Letty: Never fear Kolleen, Craig is coming. CRAIG IS COMING. This is so much fun! I love reminiscing about the DNGs of yore. Everyone was so young and innocent, and they have so much to learn! They are like delicate Canadian flowers just waiting to bloom.