Positive thoughts on my life.

01/21/2017

a turnaround.....

This is my 3rd year working for the school as a classroom para....an aid? a helper? A personal assistant to those who need a little help? When I first applied for the position, I wanted a reason to get out of bed every morning and a place to go. I needed a purpose and I found one in in kindergarden. what a fun place to spend the day....but for me...you can only sing the alphabet so many times before well....um, I guess you're head feels like it might pop off. I could only take 2 years of that routine. I have a deep respect for teachers who teach young children the basics year after year. It's a gift that shouldn't be taken lightly. I decided to move on. It's a little scary to commit to a full time job with the same hours every day where you have to sit in the same spot and talk to the same people and do the same task only to get some decent health care.....especially for me as I have never had to do such a thing. Being self employed for so many years has sort of damaged my career options because I never learned to sit still. At the end of the school year, I had a strong resolve to move on from my measly little teacher assistant job that's pays very little and has no benefits other than personal satisfaction. I contacted a friend who has a career working in human resources and we created a resume. I invited her over and we discussed career options. I was excited about the possibilities of where I could go .....and then? I went to Texas. All I've ever thought about since leaving there is going back and a full time job with benefits and no vacation seemed like a horrible idea. I called my employer and was offered a job at the high school as a para which I accepted. I've had kids in the public school system in this district for 27 years. I know the teachers and staff well. I know most of the kids too. Walking into the school that day was a little overwhelming for me. Several people asked me, "What are you doing here?" and in legally blonde mode I would answer, "I work here." I'm not going to lie. It was a little awkward walking into a classroom and hearing kids tell Samuel....."Hey Sam! There's your mom!!" But I still walked in and sat down and took notes and spent more time trying not to acknowledge Sam than anything. The first part of the year was a little bit underwhelming and I spent quite a bit of time getting to know the kids and letting them get to know me but then something changed. I was put into an algebra class. It took me 3 attempts to pass college algebra. I hated high school. I didn't go and when I did, I didn't pay much attention...let alone learn math. During one of the initial classes, the teacher gave the kids time to work on an assignment. One kid asked me for help so I walked over and looked at his paper and I had to tell him that I did not have any idea how to help him with that problem. That was a humiliating moment and made me question what the hell I was even doing there. So this is what I did. I started learning how to actually do the work. I downloaded an app that teaches math and I started working problems and watching videos. I realized that I had forgotten how to do simple math like working with fractions. Luckily, the teacher is a first year graduate and he's kind of funny. I told him I had no idea how to help those kids because my math skills were so terrible....but I was going to learn. I went back and relearned math starting at the 5th grade on my app. I've relearned 6th grade and part of 7th. When the teacher hands out an assignment, I sit at my desk and do the work. Sometimes in class I am partnered up with another student and actually feel like I am helping and not a complete failure for not understanding how to manipulate the numbers. Sometimes, the teacher calls on me for a answer in class as if i were a student and I kind of adore that little game. I also get a sense of pride that I can answer a question because there was one day where I played a game with the kids during class and came in last place which all the kids found rather amusing. And you know what? I love that feeling! I feel a sense of pride that finally....I totally get algebra...at the basic level but still. It's rewarding to master a skill that has left me feeling a little pathetic my whole life and to actually be able to be of some service to the kids. Kids who like me....if only for the fact that I keep a jar of jolly ranchers on my desk and insist they be nice to me before I'll give them one. After successfully mastering the basic algebra class, I guess my boss realized he could just stick me anywhere and I wouldn't complain. I'm pretty sure I get the classes that nobody else wants and I just eat them up. I love it! Currently, I am in 3 math classes, british literature and mythology. This is my second semester in mythology. It's that class that has showed me how just how smart high school kids are. Their brains are like a sponge. I find it impressive when they memorize 40 greek gods and and can pass a test about them in the first two weeks of the class. I always sit there and am amazed at their brilliance. When I talk about my job, I have a friend who always asks me....."Soooo, are you there helping students or are you actually taking classes?" I guess the answer to that is both! I'm thankful that I am still teachable! Some of my co-workers that I worked with from the elementary school ask me, "how do you like your new position?" and I have to tell them I love it....except for the pay....and I feel like I could be doing more. Yesterday, a gal told me, "you are being underutilized. Maybe you should look into becoming a teacher or a social worker" My dad has told me for years that I should look into becoming a teacher. When I worked at the grade school, I felt like there was no way in hell I would commit to a lifetime of that stress. The teachers work their asses off, spend too much of their own money and have to take work home getting little time off. They are grossly underpaid.....but at the high school level? I can actually see myself doing that...and making a difference. So this week I am going to contact a university and seek out the options. All it took was that algebra class to make me feel like I can actually conquer the world! You know? I have a little scrapbook from when I was in college. A few years ago, I found it and looked through it. I was a really good college student. I applied myself. I helped people. I coordinated projects that were worthy endeavers and they were successful. I had such big dreams and somewhere along the way, I got lost.....maybe I didn't get lost but I definately took a different route. When I opened that book, I flipped through the pages and I actually cried....a deep purging belly cry.... and wondered what happened to that girl. and put it away. I haven't forgotten that day because it was such an overwhelming emotional day for me. For the first time in a long time, I can see that girl is still in there waiting to be released! It's great! The kids were assigned this book. When I read the first paragrah of the forward, the words touched my heart.....

Chronic remorse.....rolling in the muck is not the best way of getting clean. Ain't that the truth?? Anybody want to take a guess at what that book is? I had to read the first chapter 3 times to figure out what the hell the author was talking about. This weekend I will read chapter 2 and the reading assignment by Chaucer....and maybe finish the algebra homework. And maybe Monday I will make some phone calls....and pull myself out of the muck.....maybe today I will send an email. It's time to stop playing small....do better. I'm thankful that I listened to my heart and made a change. It's been life changing for me.....if for nothing else than realizing I still have it going on.....if only in my own mind....and really that's the only place that really matters! It's a good thing!

Comments

a turnaround.....

This is my 3rd year working for the school as a classroom para....an aid? a helper? A personal assistant to those who need a little help? When I first applied for the position, I wanted a reason to get out of bed every morning and a place to go. I needed a purpose and I found one in in kindergarden. what a fun place to spend the day....but for me...you can only sing the alphabet so many times before well....um, I guess you're head feels like it might pop off. I could only take 2 years of that routine. I have a deep respect for teachers who teach young children the basics year after year. It's a gift that shouldn't be taken lightly. I decided to move on. It's a little scary to commit to a full time job with the same hours every day where you have to sit in the same spot and talk to the same people and do the same task only to get some decent health care.....especially for me as I have never had to do such a thing. Being self employed for so many years has sort of damaged my career options because I never learned to sit still. At the end of the school year, I had a strong resolve to move on from my measly little teacher assistant job that's pays very little and has no benefits other than personal satisfaction. I contacted a friend who has a career working in human resources and we created a resume. I invited her over and we discussed career options. I was excited about the possibilities of where I could go .....and then? I went to Texas. All I've ever thought about since leaving there is going back and a full time job with benefits and no vacation seemed like a horrible idea. I called my employer and was offered a job at the high school as a para which I accepted. I've had kids in the public school system in this district for 27 years. I know the teachers and staff well. I know most of the kids too. Walking into the school that day was a little overwhelming for me. Several people asked me, "What are you doing here?" and in legally blonde mode I would answer, "I work here." I'm not going to lie. It was a little awkward walking into a classroom and hearing kids tell Samuel....."Hey Sam! There's your mom!!" But I still walked in and sat down and took notes and spent more time trying not to acknowledge Sam than anything. The first part of the year was a little bit underwhelming and I spent quite a bit of time getting to know the kids and letting them get to know me but then something changed. I was put into an algebra class. It took me 3 attempts to pass college algebra. I hated high school. I didn't go and when I did, I didn't pay much attention...let alone learn math. During one of the initial classes, the teacher gave the kids time to work on an assignment. One kid asked me for help so I walked over and looked at his paper and I had to tell him that I did not have any idea how to help him with that problem. That was a humiliating moment and made me question what the hell I was even doing there. So this is what I did. I started learning how to actually do the work. I downloaded an app that teaches math and I started working problems and watching videos. I realized that I had forgotten how to do simple math like working with fractions. Luckily, the teacher is a first year graduate and he's kind of funny. I told him I had no idea how to help those kids because my math skills were so terrible....but I was going to learn. I went back and relearned math starting at the 5th grade on my app. I've relearned 6th grade and part of 7th. When the teacher hands out an assignment, I sit at my desk and do the work. Sometimes in class I am partnered up with another student and actually feel like I am helping and not a complete failure for not understanding how to manipulate the numbers. Sometimes, the teacher calls on me for a answer in class as if i were a student and I kind of adore that little game. I also get a sense of pride that I can answer a question because there was one day where I played a game with the kids during class and came in last place which all the kids found rather amusing. And you know what? I love that feeling! I feel a sense of pride that finally....I totally get algebra...at the basic level but still. It's rewarding to master a skill that has left me feeling a little pathetic my whole life and to actually be able to be of some service to the kids. Kids who like me....if only for the fact that I keep a jar of jolly ranchers on my desk and insist they be nice to me before I'll give them one. After successfully mastering the basic algebra class, I guess my boss realized he could just stick me anywhere and I wouldn't complain. I'm pretty sure I get the classes that nobody else wants and I just eat them up. I love it! Currently, I am in 3 math classes, british literature and mythology. This is my second semester in mythology. It's that class that has showed me how just how smart high school kids are. Their brains are like a sponge. I find it impressive when they memorize 40 greek gods and and can pass a test about them in the first two weeks of the class. I always sit there and am amazed at their brilliance. When I talk about my job, I have a friend who always asks me....."Soooo, are you there helping students or are you actually taking classes?" I guess the answer to that is both! I'm thankful that I am still teachable! Some of my co-workers that I worked with from the elementary school ask me, "how do you like your new position?" and I have to tell them I love it....except for the pay....and I feel like I could be doing more. Yesterday, a gal told me, "you are being underutilized. Maybe you should look into becoming a teacher or a social worker" My dad has told me for years that I should look into becoming a teacher. When I worked at the grade school, I felt like there was no way in hell I would commit to a lifetime of that stress. The teachers work their asses off, spend too much of their own money and have to take work home getting little time off. They are grossly underpaid.....but at the high school level? I can actually see myself doing that...and making a difference. So this week I am going to contact a university and seek out the options. All it took was that algebra class to make me feel like I can actually conquer the world! You know? I have a little scrapbook from when I was in college. A few years ago, I found it and looked through it. I was a really good college student. I applied myself. I helped people. I coordinated projects that were worthy endeavers and they were successful. I had such big dreams and somewhere along the way, I got lost.....maybe I didn't get lost but I definately took a different route. When I opened that book, I flipped through the pages and I actually cried....a deep purging belly cry.... and wondered what happened to that girl. and put it away. I haven't forgotten that day because it was such an overwhelming emotional day for me. For the first time in a long time, I can see that girl is still in there waiting to be released! It's great! The kids were assigned this book. When I read the first paragrah of the forward, the words touched my heart.....

Chronic remorse.....rolling in the muck is not the best way of getting clean. Ain't that the truth?? Anybody want to take a guess at what that book is? I had to read the first chapter 3 times to figure out what the hell the author was talking about. This weekend I will read chapter 2 and the reading assignment by Chaucer....and maybe finish the algebra homework. And maybe Monday I will make some phone calls....and pull myself out of the muck.....maybe today I will send an email. It's time to stop playing small....do better. I'm thankful that I listened to my heart and made a change. It's been life changing for me.....if for nothing else than realizing I still have it going on.....if only in my own mind....and really that's the only place that really matters! It's a good thing!