beliefs

In 1996 Daniel Goleman stunned the world in 1996 by popularizing Emotional Intelligence or EQ. or EI. Basically it means being able to identify and manage your own emotions. It’s been said the ability to understand and manage your own emotions is the real key to success. emotions. Whether we acknowledge it or not, we are driven by our emotions.

Researchers analyzed brain MRIs and personal information on 461 people. They found 200 brain regions associated with classically ‘positive” traits, such as strong memory, large vocabulary, high income and education. In the MRIs of people who had the positive traits, many of those brain regions activated simultaneously, suggesting strong connections between the varied regions.

The people who ranked high in negative traits–anger, rule-breaking, substance abuse, poor sleep quality–didn’t have these connections. But that doesn’t mean brains are hard-wired, the researchers say. Brains change. For example, improving skills like vocabulary can strengthen connections between related brain regions. Are you looking to change the wiring of your brain? Would you like to be happier?

I keep hearing the customer has changed how we cope with them. Think about it, we’re talking about ourselves. It’s been a slow transition, so slow that we really haven’t noticed. We are so stressed out thinking about what we have to learn about our customers, we forget how we’ve changed. If you examine your path , you won’t be so stressed about the customers.

Let’s start with your phone. What type of phone are you using? When did you finally give up your ‘flip phone?’ Several of my friends still have a flip phone and are adamant about not changing. It makes me think, am I that stubborn? It’s hard to give up something we’re used to; if you’re still using your flip phone, you might examine what you’re missing.

Do you prefer texting to talking on the phone? I find it less intrusive, and I can reply quickly. The same people with the flip phones think that texting is ‘impersonal.’ Texting gives an additional way to get in touch, and it’s often easier. Have you asked your customers what they prefer? Let’s not assume we know, let’s ask them. If they prefer a phone call, honor it. Again, it’s not because they’re old they don’t want to give up what makes them comfortable.

Do you still have a fax machine or do you scan and email? I had to return a document to a national company, and they asked me to fax it. I told them I got rid of my fax machine three years ago and scanning is easier. They were insistent I fax. They didn’t have a reason other than the fact: “That’s how we do it.” Are you still telling customers ‘that’s how we do it?’ Is it time for you to move forward and make some changes?

Are people asking why you’re texting the person next to you? Often texting to someone during a meeting is a smart thing to do. It’s better than interrupting the speaker and what you have to say is essential. Isn’t it great that you can actually communicate without interrupting the rest of the world?

Are you still using the same-old lines, can I help you? Today it’s more appropriate to ask the customer what they’ve seen online that they like. It’s a short cut to understanding how they shop. My experience is that salespeople still ask how they can help you when we know the whole world is online before going into a brick and mortar store. Help the customer cut their shopping time in half, find out what they already know.

Communication is the key to all of our transactions; nothing has changed. What has change is technology and how it is impacting our world? The more you learn about technology the less stressed you will be.

If you’ve been in sales for any length of time, you may have said, “If I don’t drop the price, I won’t get the sale.” I’ve probably said it myself; that was before I realized what I was doing. I kept telling myself that getting the sale was more important than getting my price. What I was doing was killing my confidence. Whenever someone asked me to drop a price, I wondered if they had spoken to my last customer. I also thought will I have to go lower to get this sale? I was on my downward spiral. I watched my sales people struggle with the same problem; how low should we go?

Inexperienced sales people will tell me they’re trying to show the customer they have fair prices. You don’t need low prices to show the customer you know what you’re doing. If you continue to do this, you collect ‘price conscious’ customers who will never pay a higher price.

Dropping a price is like telling a lie. You have to start telling more lies to cover up the other ones. Have you ever had an incident when a customer returned weeks later and you couldn’t remember the price you gave them? Telling lies can erode your confidence.

Cutting costs can put you out of business. Why would you want to do that?

“Most Sales reps who are most successful DON’T MESS WITH PRICE-BUYERS. There are times when you just don’t sell.” This is an old book but everything in it is right on!

Besides, my experience tells me that dropping the price doesn’t necessarily guarantee you’ll get the sale.Sometimes you’re being tested by the customer. Unless you’re really good at “the drop,” the customer often leaves and takes your lower price to your competition. I remember when I bought my appliances for my house 20 years ago. Those were the days with ‘price matching.’ I shopped until I dropped and finally said to one retailer, give me your lowest price so we don’t have to do this forever!

Let’s go back to why the customer doesn’t win either. If they pay less than your original ‘asking price,’ they wonder why the price was so high to begin with. Wasn’t the original price real? So now the price/value equation is lost.

If sales are your profession, you have to protect its integrity as well as your own. Great salespeople get pleasure out of servicing their customers, helping to solve problems and getting the best out of their situation. Price or investment is the byproduct of the solution and should not be the focus. Stores like the Dollar Store are definitely price focused. However, when I’m in the store, I always look for brand names that are discounted. Then I feel like I get my dollars’ worth.

Consider that the customer is also trying to get their dollars’ worth. They want to know that their purchase is worth more than the price they paid. This is where you come in. It’s your job to explain to the customer that your product, and your brand are worth the price. You do this by focusing on the problem and defining it so when you come up with the solution, the price seems more than fair.

Unless you’re the Dollar Store, price cutting will eventually lead you out of business. Isn’t that the first things businesses do when they’re going out of business?

Lisbeth Calandrino has been teaching salespeople the “price/value” equation for the past twenty years and how to sell at profitable prices. Lisbeth spent 14 years with 7 “liquidator furniture and carpet stores” in the Northeast. She has spent her life negotiating price. To have teach pricing strategies to your employees, reach her at 518.495.5380, EST or Lcalandrino@nycap.rr.com. Check out her website, lisbethcalandrino.com.

The question is how much pain do we have to endure to change a behavior? Even if the behavior is really destructive we have trouble changing.

My friend was given a gorgeous, glass dining room set ; it’s quite large with six chairs. It is actually too big for her kitchen but it was free. It is so large, that every time she has to get to the refrigerator; she hits her back end on the corner of the glass table. She actually has several large bruises from the dining room table. Why wouldn’t she want to lose that weight?

Let me give you the rest of the story. My friend is my height, 4’11” and weighs 155 pounds. Twenty years ago, she weighed 110, like me. The doctor told her that she was ‘obese,’ and said it was paramount that she lose weight. My friend continues to complain about why she can’t lose weight, but that’s another story.

Why don’t we change when it’s obviously in our best interest?

I know when I don’t go to the gym I feel lousy. Lousy because I say that physical fitness is the cornerstone of my life and I’m violating my standards. Regular exercise is how I live my life.

I also think about my health and the long term effects of not exercising. The other day someone said, “Have a piece of pizza.” To which I replied, “It’s not on my menu.” To this they replied, “It’s only one time, you don’t do it every day.”

If you’re not changing, and want to, you might look at the source of the pressure. Is it someone else telling you it would be a good idea if you changed? Is your doctor telling you to lose weight. Obviously health is not really a priority for her even though she works in the health field. She obviously, like so many of us, doesn’t think about the the outcome of long term obesity. Is it better to have diabetes and high blood pressure?

If change is on your horizon, but you can’t seem to get there, examine your motives and have a serious talk talk with yourself. Ask yourself, is your change part of your values or someone else’s?

If the values don’t belong to you, that’s why you’re not changing. If you still want to change, you have lots of work to do.
Lisbeth Calandrino has been helping businesses institute change for over 20 years. If there’s something you would like to change in your business or personal life, contact Lisbeth for a heart-to-heart chat.

Two days ago, I realized I had lost my favorite watch. The watch was sent to me from a friend after my best loved cousin passed away. I loved the watch; it was very expensive and she only wore it when we went to the theater or out to eat. I commented that it was so beautiful she should wear it more often. She laughed and said she sometimes forgot about it. I was amazed when I received it; until its loss, I considered it my very lucky charm. I retraced my steps, turned the house upside down, and it hasn’t appeared. There was no reason why it should have fallen off; it had a special safety bracelet.

For one day, I could barely function. It was embarrassing how lost I felt without the watch. I keep feeling my arm for my watch. I was out of sorts without my good-luck piece. I started thinking about what it meant.

It was a link to the past. It was a past filled with laughter, good times and some mystery. Part of the mystery was her unwillingness to go through chemotherapy to stop her leukemia. She had cancer ten years earlier, and came through it with flying colors. She used to tell me it was a breeze. When she finished her treatment, she coached me through my cancer which started the day after she finished her treatment! Believe me, it was an awful winter. We were planning a trip to Italy and more good times in her town of Boston. By the way, we had not seen each other for over twenty years until she tracked me down at a seminar I was doing in Maine one year! We never knew why our families stopped talking, but they had. We vowed it would never happen again, and we began a very close friendship for almost eight years.

The eight years were filled with more fun than ever had when we were kids. She was a couple of years older and, I thought, wiser than me.

The closer we got, the more I noticed how frightened she was. The nurse who ran eight operating rooms at Mass. General was willing to die than go through a bone marrow transplant. The one who told me not to worry about anything was undoubtedly worrying. I was there when the doctor told her if she didn’t continue treatment, she would be dead in a week. I heard her say, “I don’t care!” What had I missed?

I loved the watch but more than that I loved Rosalie. She was the grown-up sister I never had; the one who didn’t compare me to anyone else in my family. She was the one who loved me unconditionally. She approved of my finance and actually adored him; we spent many wonderful times together.

I tell myself; it’s just a watch. I really can’t afford to replace it because of the cost, and it wasn’t insured. I’m hoping someone found it, and they are wearing it. My arm feels so empty, but maybe it’s really my heart. I know Rosalie is gone but there was still a piece of her with me. The watch was the piece I really valued because I know how much it meant to her. How many other things am I holding that really don’t matter?

She is in my heart; more than ever. Her love and good wishes for me are very much alive. (She thought I was amazing and I felt the same way about her!) Our families came from very humble beginnings, there were Italian immigrants. We both spent our summers on the farm helping with chores. We both hoped to move on in our lives. I was the first to attend college in my family; she was the second in hers. We both knew we didn’t have much money but our families worked hard and assured us we would get through college.

I want the watch back, but more than that, I want Rosalie back. I’m mad that she made the decision to go away and leave me on my own. I am happy to have spent so much time with her and her most prized possession. The watch was just a symbol of my connection to my cousin; I know she is still in my heart.

I spent a couple of days with my friends in Long Island. There were lots of conversations about what others were doing and how our lives could be better. There was one common theme that kept repeating itself. There are many people whose lives are better because of what they have.)

So does money make us happy? The consensus was that money makes life easier which lessens the stress. Ultimately you will be happier. It seems simple doesn’t it?

To go along with this is the “I wish I had, why didn’t I and I should have” statements?

Today I had lunch with another friend, here’s what we decided.

“We are where we are because of the choices we’ve made in life.” Yes there are a few missed opportunities but basically we’ve made our own lives. We all have food, a place to live, a car to drive and mostly good health. The bit problem seems to be accepting where we are. Here’s why it’s important.

You don’t give yourself credit for what you’ve done. Miracles haven’t made your life what it so give yourself a pat on the back for what you’ve done.

You can’t change the choices you’ve made. It is an excellent idea to review your choices and decide which ones were good and which ones weren’t so hot.

You can’t grow or get better unless you accept who you are. We are only as smart as we give ourselves credit for. Why is it? We focus on things we haven’t done?

You can’t “pretend” your way through life, although many do. My friend is finishing college and is telling me how much she is going to make. With all due respect, her two-year degree is not that demanding, and I know she’s into a rude awakening. Better to deal with “what is” rather than “what you would like it to be.”

Work as hard as you can with what you have. Learn things daily, read, and find ways to get smarter. While coming from the gym I asked one of my “gym” friends, how he was feeling. He said he was annoyed that he wasn’t feeling better. I actually joined in with that I was also annoyed. Another friend chimed in with, “Hey we’re every working out; that’s better than most people our age!”

Accepting who you gives you the ability to live with yourself. There are so many people who beat themselves up daily, as well as others who love them, for not being more. We can only be what we are at this moment. If we want the next moments to be unusual, we will have to make different choices. Some of these choices are difficult because we don’t know what they will bring.

Nothing new has every changed by doing the same thing over again. Einstein called doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results was a form of insanity.

Fear gets into the way of everything. Think about it, we’re not fearful of the thing that causes the fear; we’re scared of the fear itself. It scares many to death; literally. We set up expectations about our life and how it should be and then are disappointed when it doesn’t turn out like we wanted it to. We seduce ourselves into believe in things that aren’t true and will never happen. We say we’ll do things when we get older, have more money, find a new love or get a new car. The truth is, it will never happen the way we wish it would.

I talk about wanting to move, at least for part of the year. I tell myself I hate the inconvenience caused by the snow. I actually had one opportunity that fit all my criteria. I could try it without relative risk; I liked the possibilities for work, and my dear friend was available to help me. When my friend died suddenly I felt like I had to start over gain. Like many, I like things easy, without complications and risks. Why has it taken me so long to take a risk? I tell myself it will be a great adventure, and I can make new friends but leaving the comfort of my home feels a little risky.

Every time you’re disappointed, check out the themes in your life. What fairy tales do you tell yourself about life? What do you want to but have no real plans in place? Living with reality may not be the best, but at least you know where you’re starting from. We all have patterns or themes in the way we do things. What are you constantly drawn to? What areas cause pain, what areas cause joy? You’ve heard it before, but push past the fear to live the life you deserve.

If you want to overcome fear, change your story. Give the store a happy ending instead one filled with doubt and anxiety. No matter what happens you can handle it, don’t let fear rule you!

Lisbeth has been working with people from all types of industries for over twenty years. If change is in your future and need some help, reach Lisbeth at Lcalandrino@nycap.rr.com.

I am in the midst of learning a script for a commercial video. I asked my acting coach to give me some pointers on what I had put together. It’s a bit daunting when you are performing for your coach. I kept thinking in my head, what makes this work, what brings this all together. I explained I wasn’t sure what was effective and how would I know. He suggested I perform the piece in my own way and not worry about what I thought they wanted.

“Remember, he said, they hired you because of who you are not what they want you to be.”

Suddenly, I had a thought; the person who hired me said he was watching videos that I had made. He also told me the parts he liked. In fact, he liked them so much he was watching them over and over. I’m thinking to myself, what did he like about what I said? I realized he didn’t talk about the script or what I knew, he was laughing about my stories and my “in your face” attitude.

It was me being myself. What do I believe about myself?

I realize when I’m me; I find what I’m doing to be more fun and more real. How often in life do we give people what we think they want rather than just being true to ourselves? He watched several of my promo videos before he called me, so he obviously knew what he was getting. That’s why videos are really cool. Someone either likes your style, or they don’t.

All we have is who we are. Actors bring their own style to the character. If the character is supposed to be feeling sad, they bring their brand of the emotion to the scene.

Where we go wrong is when we get out of character. For whatever reason, we believe we should do it another way. This has started me thinking, what makes me get out of character, why do I think I should be someone else? Maybe this sounds simple but for me; it’s actually profound. As I go through my days, how much of the time do I spend being myself and when do I decide to be someone different.

I would say that authenticity is the key to building solid relationships.

Now I understand what Kermit meant when he said; “Sometimes it’s hard being green.”

Thanks to Lyle Verbilion for the photo.

Lisbeth has been helping business and people get what they need out of life. For more information, reach her at www.lisbethcalandrino or Lcalandrino@nycap.rr.com.

Being a mom is complicated. When children are babies, the role is simple. They need to be taken care of and loved. As they get older, they need space to be able to become independent. Sometimes these roles are in conflict. It’s hard to see children as getting older; they always look like the tiny human that bought such joy to your life.

As my mom grew older, I realized she didn’t seem to cook or clean as much as she used to. When I offered to help cook or clean, she was very adamant with her “No.” My mom had always been very independent, going to work when it wasn’t fashionable. My dad thought people would think she was working because he couldn’t support her. She went to work so she would be able to buy her own car and eventually collect social security. She was just smart. By the way, I asked my mother about cooking and cleaning—she said she didn’t feel like it, and I shouldn’t worry.

When I was in the carpet business, we would roll out the red carpet on Mother’s Day and give away roses to all the moms that stopped in. Of course our mom was at the store, all dressed up and wearing her corsage. Everyone loved this event.

So often I hear about children who disapprove of their mom marrying again—how could she fall in love or want another relationship. Why worry? The worst thing that might happen is she enjoys the remaining years of her life.

Why did I care so much? Did I think my mother was getting old? If I cleaned and cooked for her would that mean she wasn’t aging? Was I trying to head off the inevitable or pretend it wouldn’t happen? If we asked, she still made the best eggplant and stuffed artichokes. She said she didn’t eat that much because she wasn’t interested in gaining weight.

As I age, I realize how important it is to be independent. I spend a lot of time at the gym; I know keeping physical fit is the key to many things. I also I realize at one point I won’t want to clean this big house. When people offer to help me clean my house, I’ll know it’s time to move on.

When I asked my mom what she wanted for Mother’s Day many years ago, she wanted a pair of Reebok bright, pink sneakers so she could continue to exercise. Today it makes me smile and I realize I’m not that much different than her.

I heard a survey today about what mom’s want the most for mother’s day—help around the house. They probably want the yard racked or putting the air conditioner in the window. Taking your mom out to dinner is also tops on the list. . You remember all the things you didn’t want to do when you lived at home. Smile.

Lisbeth has been teaching businesses how to improve their customer service and the customer experience for over 20 years. To schedule a consultation or have her speak at your business, reach her at Lcalandrino@nycap.rr.com. If she’s not in her office, she can often be found mornings at the YMCA in East Greenbush, New York.