​Saddleback Church's pastor Rick Warren made news over the holidays with his last-minute plea for $900,000 from his parishioners in two days, the most outlandish request for funds by a local pastor since Diocese of Orange Bishop Tod D. Brown began second collections to pay for his pedo-priests. I don't think Purpose-Driven® Rick will ever fully explain why one of the largest congregations in the United States suddenly hit financial hardship so quickly, but whatever: the man has to eat. A jar of my chica's pickled jalapeños/carrots/habaneros/onions to the first person who posts where Warren was recently spotted eating breakfast in South Orange County. One guess per comment, and the only clue I'll give right now is this place wasn't a chain!

Overheard at Pizzeria Ortica recently, when the chica and I were enjoying the high-end pie shop's new farmer's market-derived weekly menu:One person: You know [known person or persons of the Orange County culinary scene]?

To another: Oh, yeah--absolute nightmare. So damn cocky, but for what? Food sucks!

One of them, to someone passing by: Hey--[known person or persons]?

Passer-by: Yeah! Absolute assholes!

Laughs all around

Gentle readers: Who is this terror they were referring to? Only clue I'll give is the possibility of a plural. Winner gets a free jar of my chica's habanero jelly, her finest concoction yet (boils down the heat so you get a flash of its fire, but with all its citrus aftertaste intact). One guess per comment per person!

My chica, in her role as a master food preserver, is at the Hollywood Farmer's Market every so often to tell folks about how to preserve food. I went with her this past Sunday, and apparently was so immersed in a magazine that I cut in front of an Orange County celebrity, one that the paparazzi were trailing. Afterward, I saw the celebrity holding bags of produce, stopping at a booth where a guy was making balloon animals for kiddies and hipsters alike.

Gentle readers: who was this celebrity? The only hint I'll give at this point is that the celebrity no longer lives in Orange County but was born and raised here. First person to guess correctly wins a batch of my gal's plum-pluot preserve, which is perfectly precious and precise. One entry per guess.

​While recently eating wonderful baked beans at the Olde Ship, the following conversation happened with a nice chap:

Him: So I saw Kobe Bryant getting breakfast at [RESTAURANT].Me: Why would he drive so far? I thought he lived in Newport Coast.Him: It's not that far! Typical Anaheim guy: you get the coast all messed up!Me: Was he mobbed by a bunch of people?Him: No. It was early in the morning, and he had a bunch of bags filled with orders to go. I think he ordered pancakes.

Gentle readers: In what restaurant was Kobe Bryant spotted getting to-go breakfast? Read the clues closely--the only other one I'll give for the moment is that the restaurant wasn't a chain. Winner gets a jar of Hatch chile sauce prepared by mi chica. WARNING: It's addictive and packs a furtively sweet punch.

​Do I care if a famous actor likes the salmon teriyaki I'm tucking into? No, I couldn't give a toss, but if it helps to increase sales, then fine, go ahead, advertise the fact that Blake Lively always orders it when she comes here.

So there I was, at the fantastic Tri-Village the other night, deciding what to eat, when my eye was drawn to item No. 100, Beef Noodle Soup. Nothing special about that, you might think.

But then I read the line underneath it: 'Jackie Chan's favorite Beef Noodle Soup.'

Gotta head off to another find, so I'll leave ustedes with this: in what restaurant was our convicted, felonious ex-sheriff Mike Carona recently spotted? The hint: it's just a couple of miles away from where he smugly met the world after getting sentenced to five-and-a-half years in prison. First person to guess correctly doesn't win the above picture, but rather the infamous Weekly cover where Carona is between his little Debbies, wife Carona and mistress Hoffman. One guess per entry; Weekly employees NOT eligible.

Since no free photos of Vanessa exist, we'll use Taco Man as a reminder of her half-wabette ethnicity

I loathe Kobe Bryant, the wife-cheating, Shaq-insulting, pouting pendejo who happens to star on my favorite NBA team. I do feel bad for his wife, Vanessa Laine Bryant, but she ain't no long-suffering gal, either (remember that massive diamond Bryant bought her after he schtupped some hotel worker?). She was a classmate of my sister's at St. Boniface Catholic School in Anaheim, and...well, let's leave my sister's memories away from the legal sphere, shall we? But most media accounts paint an unflattering portrait of the woman--the best was a short Esquire profile on Kobe that painted Vanessa as little better than a cross between Madonna and Gloria Swanson, but without any shred of talent other than bitching out reporters.

I digress. For a copy of Orange County: A Personal History: in what restaurant was Vanessa Laine Bryant recently seen enjoying a meal with her children? The only hint at this time is the latter part of the blind item. One restaurant per guess; Weeklings and Lakers employees not eligible.