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yup, we’re no longer virgins

We all remember that beautiful moment when we lovingly gave our virginity away to our soulmate. Oh wait, that’s not exactly what happened to you? Us neither.

The ultra fabulous and funny Jessica Bern and I decided to write about virginity this week. You’ll find her very entertaining post below. Leave a comment and then head on over to Bern This to find out how I lost my sweet innocence.

A Gift You Cannot Wrap

In October of my sophomore year of high school, I started dating Allen, captain of the hockey team. Tall, super skinny, sporting hair usually only found in the pubic region, he was every cheerleaders God and for reasons that still confound me, he was mine. After a month of dating, where he actually took me out alone a total of one time, he was already pressuring me to sleep with him. He had this mentality of, “I’m a virgin plus you’re a virgin” equals “We should have sex immediately.”

On Christmas day, I went to Allen’s house to exchange presents. For my gift he’d made a painting of a sticker he’d given me soon after we met. It was of a boy and girl on the same pair of skies with the words “love is doing things together” written across the top. The painting was an exact replica. I couldn’t stop smiling until it came time to open my gift to him. All I could afford was this flannel shirt I’d bought him with my babysitting money at Lord and Taylor. I was humiliated and his reaction after opening the box did zero to make me feel any better. “Yeah, okay,” was all he said and of course, I immediately started panicking and suddenly I’m telling him, “Wait, I have one more thing,” and boom next thing I know, I’m giving this guy my virginity as a CHRISTMAS present.

I remember Eric Clapton’s “Wonderful Tonight” playing on his turntable. I remember having to listen to him try and play it on his guitar for ten minutes before he would even touch me, something which became a very unfortunate part of our lovemaking process for the entire time we dated. I remember expecting him to hold me afterward and thank me for going against everything I ever believed in so that he, a Jew, could have a merry Christmas. Most of all, I remember each time we finished I’d run downstairs and eat whatever cake his mother, a professional baker, had left on the kitchen counter. Allen would have barely stopped moaning and I’d already be slipping on my clothes, asking him, “Would it be okay if I went and got some carrot cake?”

Day after day I would try and get Allen to go places with me but all he’d ever say was, “Let’s just go back to my place and hang for a while.” It didn’t take long for me to understand that “hang for a while,” in high school speak, means “f*@k.”

Two months later, at the end of yet another game, I watched Allen come out of the locker room carrying a dozen roses. Since we’d been dating SIXTY whole days and since I presumed he only slept with women he intended to marry, I knew the flowers were for me and yet, I could still barely breathe, I was so happy. Just then, Allen walked up to me but instead of handing me the roses just told me, “Yeah, I just don’t think this is going to work out anymore,” and then turned to Erin, short, bad skin, and, I suddenly realized, in possession of a very broken hymen, and handed her the flowers.

It seems I wasn’t his first nor was I his fiancé. I was devastated. Okay, perhaps I wasn’t Ms. America but at least I wasn’t a prime candidate for Accutane and yes, I was short but at least I could reach the SECOND shelf in the grocery aisle and yet none of that mattered. As they walked out of the arena together, arm in arm, I wanted to yell out, “Hey,Iwant my virginity back!” but even I knew how dumb that sounded.

It took me years to get over this guy and thankfully, I’m no longer that naïve, which I’m happy about but then again what are the chances that a guy my age is going to tell me he’s a virgin and on top of that, what are the chances that this time around I would consider that a GOOD thing?

However. I did learn one very important lesson from this whole experience and that is, there is no better way to cap off a night of lovemaking then with a nice big piece of German chocolate cake.

Oh, man. I lost it to a football captain. What a joke. The song was … (this is embarrassing, but true) “Wild Thing” by Ton Loc. He kept wanting to do it again…. But I dumped HIM shortly thereafter. He, then, took my best friend to prom.

Wow! Just wow! I so want to hug your 15 year old self. I very well could have been that person. My first time was a lot like that, the guy went on to find others, that was for sure, although not while we were together, thank goodness. The thing is, we got back together and ended up married. I still really identified with this though. Now, it’s my worst nightmare that my daughter ends up with a guy like that. Cross your fingers for me (her).

I had to laugh about last minute “gift.” It’s just SO high school girl logic. My first real boyfriend told me that he loved me after we had been dating for several months. Then two weeks later, he brought up sex and I said I’d think about it. A couple of weeks after that I told him I had decided that it would probably be best to wait until later in the year when we had been in college for a while (we had just graduated). Apparently I had 37 year old woman logic when I was in high school. But in the end I really was a high school girl – he broke up with me because his feelings for me had changed, and all I could think was “but why?”

a new twist on “the gift”! so funny! guys can be such creeps but thankfully these creeps help us get strong and find out what we DON’T want and get us to appreciating the sweet ones. here’s to the sweet ones! i’m soooo glad i’m not in highschool anymore though (or my 20s for that matter!)

You youngish ladies are hysterical. You can actually remember the music being played. I can’t even remember his name. It was ‘time to do it’ (18) and the place to do it (on vacation without parents; on a warm, sultry evening in Florida). A stranger on a motorcycle (cute & age appropriate) picked me up in some hotel bar and off we went. However, for those of you wanting to turn back time, you can become virgins again; read the back pages of New York Magazine; they’re sewing up hymens for a price.

great story from both of you ladies. My first was only because I hadn’t yet and I was entering college. I am a huge basketball nut so of course I scouted out the team. Within the first 3 days of freshman year I had one in mind. Too bad for this virgin he was 6’11 with a size 16 shoe. I didn’t really do the math nor did I have sex again for a year.

The roses episode, that’s a tough pill to swallow. I’m not so worried about my kids and sex, I’m worried about kids, sex and broken hearts. How to bubble wrap the genitals until age 25? That’s the question of the 21st century.

Nothing feels like a worse kick in the face than a jackass leaving you for somebody not quite as pretty as you are!! He deserved to have those roses stuffed in his face. This is a moment when magical powers would come in handy! Shazzam would shorten his penis and then he’d REALLY have to work on that guitar playing to get laid!!