My husband does stick up for me. Repeatedly and frequently as this isn't the only issue we have, just the only one I've posted about. I think not wanting our visit to escalate into nastiness is a good thing, not a bad. My original post was to ask how to stop her politely and that's still what I'd like to do. I was asking for help, not venting.

My husband does stick up for me. Repeatedly and frequently as this isn't the only issue we have, just the only one I've posted about. I think not wanting our visit to escalate into nastiness is a good thing, not a bad. My original post was to ask how to stop her politely and that's still what I'd like to do. I was asking for help, not venting.

If you want to be polite, I still think you have to accept it and say thank you. Since she knows you are allergic and obviously doesn't care and doesn't want to put in the effort to choose something for you that you would like/be able to use, I think you just have to smile and suck it up if keeping the peace is the primary goal.

Can DH ask her just to give you a cash gift instead equivalent to what she spends on the chocolate? How hard could that be?

My husband does stick up for me. Repeatedly and frequently as this isn't the only issue we have, just the only one I've posted about. I think not wanting our visit to escalate into nastiness is a good thing, not a bad. My original post was to ask how to stop her politely and that's still what I'd like to do. I was asking for help, not venting.

If you want to be polite, I still think you have to accept it and say thank you. Since she knows you are allergic and obviously doesn't care and doesn't want to put in the effort to choose something for you that you would like/be able to use, I think you just have to smile and suck it up if keeping the peace is the primary goal.

Can DH ask her just to give you a cash gift instead equivalent to what she spends on the chocolate? How hard could that be?

I agree. Accept it, say thanks, and regift it/chuck it in the bin. There is really no other polite response. It's not going to kill you, because you're not going to eat it, so you're not in any actual danger. And there is just no point in letting her get to you any more.

I don't think you can politely ask her for the cash value of the chocolate, though.

My husband does stick up for me. Repeatedly and frequently as this isn't the only issue we have, just the only one I've posted about. I think not wanting our visit to escalate into nastiness is a good thing, not a bad. My original post was to ask how to stop her politely and that's still what I'd like to do. I was asking for help, not venting.

If you want to be polite, I still think you have to accept it and say thank you. Since she knows you are allergic and obviously doesn't care and doesn't want to put in the effort to choose something for you that you would like/be able to use, I think you just have to smile and suck it up if keeping the peace is the primary goal.

Can DH ask her just to give you a cash gift instead equivalent to what she spends on the chocolate? How hard could that be?

I agree. Accept it, say thanks, and regift it/chuck it in the bin. There is really no other polite response. It's not going to kill you, because you're not going to eat it, so you're not in any actual danger. And there is just no point in letting her get to you any more.

I don't think you can politely ask her for the cash value of the chocolate, though.

POD the bolded.

I don't think the OP could ask for the cash, but I don't see why her DH, in a pre-emptive conversation, couldn't do it. "Mom - remember that my wife is allergice to chocolate? I was thinking, to make things easier for everyone, you could just give her a cash gift instead?" DO you all think that would be rude?

I wouldn't feel comfortable asking anyone for money or asking someone else to ask for money for me. Money's an icky subject, pretty taboo for me

The whole story!MIL's presents are always the same, a bank note selotaped to chocolates. There's no effort involved in getting either part and that's what counts. To be honest, I think it's sad as I get such a lot of pleasure from giving presents and MIL gets very jealous of other people's presents. And she adores getting presents, she's like a little kid.

The good thing is that SIL was the same when we met 20 years ago, she thought having to get presents was a chore, but when she saw how much pleasure I got out of it, she slowly changed. Now she adores giving presents and puts a lot of thought into it and glows at present-giving time. I think that's lovely

Wow, quoting myself feels weird, lol. Posting that reminded me of how excited she gets and how much I enjoy seeing it. I really don't want to lose that. The chocolate really hurts me, I'd like it stop, but maybe if I concentrate on how much I enjoy seeing her excited, it will hurt less.

I wouldn't feel comfortable asking anyone for money or asking someone else to ask for money for me. Money's an icky subject, pretty taboo for me

The whole story!MIL's presents are always the same, a bank note selotaped to chocolates. There's no effort involved in getting either part and that's what counts. To be honest, I think it's sad as I get such a lot of pleasure from giving presents and MIL gets very jealous of other people's presents. And she adores getting presents, she's like a little kid.

The good thing is that SIL was the same when we met 20 years ago, she thought having to get presents was a chore, but when she saw how much pleasure I got out of it, she slowly changed. Now she adores giving presents and puts a lot of thought into it and glows at present-giving time. I think that's lovely

Just want to make sure I understand what the gift is - a bank note (is that like a check?) taped to a box of chocolates. Is this right? So she's basically giving you chocolate *and* a small sum of money?

Although a box of depends might be more age-appropriate. OP, your MIL is a mean, lazy, selfish and uncaring woman (and many more adjectives that would get me banned from E-hell). NOBODY with half a brain would give a gift that the recipient was allergic to even ONCE, much less repeatedly. It is definitely not you - it's HER.

You are very kind - and the bigger person - for still being willing to give her gifts she will enjoy. I'd love to see your DH and SIL both leap up as soon as you open the chocolate -- SIL can rip it out of your hands while DH escorts you off to scrub up. Upon your return, SIL fusses about you getting washed up in time and are you sure you're OK?... For the rest of the gift-opening, DH and SIL place themselves on either side of you, anxiously keeping watch.

OP, you've said that it is the possibility of nut contamination that makes you unable to eat the local chocolate, but that some imported chocolates are OK for you to eat.

Has MIL ever seen you eat any 'safe' chocolate? Is she perhaps thinking "I know she can eat chocolate! She's just being picky and wants the expensive imported stuff."

And to the PP that was confused by 'bank note' it means paper money.

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~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~Common sense is not a gift, but a curse. Because thenyou have to deal with all the people who don't have it. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

OP, you've said that it is the possibility of nut contamination that makes you unable to eat the local chocolate, but that some imported chocolates are OK for you to eat.

Has MIL ever seen you eat any 'safe' chocolate? Is she perhaps thinking "I know she can eat chocolate! She's just being picky and wants the expensive imported stuff."

And to the PP that was confused by 'bank note' it means paper money.

OK. I assumed that the chocolate was the only gift that was being given. If she is giving you money and the chocolate is the little "dress it up gift", then I vote you just say thank you and deal with the chocolate however you want after you get back home. Throw it away, give it away, whatever.

You know, I kind of like the idea of, upon getting the chocolate, perking up and asking, "Oh, did you find some chocolate that's completely nut-free and won't kill me?" in a hopeful tone. When she says she didn't, deflate a bit, say, "Oh, " in a disappointed tone, and then thank her for the money while passing the chocolates to someone else. Do this every time, and I bet it won't be long before other people are calling her on her rudeness.

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William wondered why he always disliked people who said "no offense meant." Maybe it was because they found it easier to say "no offense meant" than actually to refrain from giving offense.