For training purposes, and to provide documentation of your comical errors and frustrated outbursts, this may be recorded or monitored. So pay attention.

New readers, say "new." Current readers, go on Facebook and "like" the past three columns, whether you even read them or not.

Back? OK. To access your column account, please enter your 17-digit account number, the Greenwich Mean Time at the moment of your call, the last four digits of your and your next-door neighbor's Social Security number, and the initials of the person your spouse is currently cheating on you with.

Currently cheating on you with.

OK. Now, please read carefully and select from the following menu:If you know the number of the column you would like to read, please enter that now.

If you do not know the number, and would like a listing of the column directory, sing a few bars of your favorite Broadway show tune.No, not that tune. We don't like that one.

O.K., let's try again.

For a column about the euro crisis, and in-depth analysis and contextual critique of the crucial role of Cyprus, be the first to press 1.

For a column poking fun at Mississippi State and its graduates, press 2.

For columns about how Joe is still colorblind and still likes the Beatles, beer, "The Andy Griffith Show" and cats, press 3, 4, 5 or 6.

For a column revealing the ultimate meaning of life and the secret to eternal happiness, press F sharp.

If this is an emergency and you need immediate column assistance, press the panic button.

To return to the menu, press the pound button.

No, not the *. The #.

(Bad music.Bad music.Bad music.)

We're sorry, but we are experiencing particularly heavy column request volume, and all our columns are being read by other customers now. Please stay on the line, and a column will come to you as soon as one is available.

Be advised that the wait may be 15 to 30 seconds longer than the absolute maximum time you are willing to spend.

Meanwhile, did you know that you can increase your annoyance and further diminish your chances of reading anything of interest by visiting our Web site, at www-dot-fat-chance-dot-com?

(Bad music. Bad music. Bad music.)

Hello, this is someone you thought might be a helpful actual person, but isn't. This is just another recording. Have you tried our Web site?

(Really bad music.)

We know you are waiting, and your business is important to us. Please continue to wait, and a column will be with you as soon as you forget why you wanted one in the first place and start yelling at your children. Meanwhile, maybe you should go clean out the flowerbeds like you promised you would.

Or, to speak to a customer service representative, press the square root of 17.