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Tell a joke and win a prize!

I decided to have this contest for a couple of selfish reasons.#1 - I am easily amused.#2 - I need some new jokes for here at work. It has gotten to the point when I ask anyone here if they want to hear a joke, they start walking in the opposite direction.

To enter the contest make a post with your joke or funny story.
One entry per joke.
If you know a lot of jokes, you get to have a lot of entries.

On July 31st I will use the random number generator to see who is the winner. Giving a bit of time like this for the drawing gives you plenty of time to seek out new funny jokes for the contest.

Winner gets this piece of stabilized redwood burl. I will pay for worldwide shipping as well.

It is 1&7/16" thick so it might even work for some of those weird looking octagon shaped handles you guys seem to like. (just teasing)
This is one of my last pieces from this burl. It has the tightest pattern of eyes I have ever seen. The only reason why I still have it is because I stashed a couple pieces and then forgot where I put them. I just found it yesterday when straightening up in my shop. There were 2 pieces. I am keeping one of them for myself.

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather who lived in a very rural (backwoods), area of Tennessee. His grandfather lived in a tiny shack, without electricity, with just his dog to keep him company.

John spent a great evening talking with the old man, and went to bed. The next morning, his grandfather prepared a breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

As he sat down to eat, John noticed a filmy coating on his plate and questioned his grandfather, asking him, "Are these plates clean?”

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get ‘em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal.”

For lunch John’s grandfather made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?”

Without looking up his grandfather said, “I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you worry, I don't want to hear another word about it!”

Later that day, John was about to leave and go home, but his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.

John called to his grandfather, “Your dog won't let me get to my car.”

1. Little Johnny was in kindergarten and had to a project. For this project Johnny had to bring something important to class and describe what it was.

Johnny had forgotten about the project and came up with something on the fly. He waited until the very end and when he was asked to present what he had he quietly went up to the chalk board, picked up the chalk and placed a dot on the board.
The teacher asked him what it was and he replied, it is a period.

The teacher asked why he had shared it, or why he thought it was important and he responded, “darned it I know, but when my sister said she missed hers, my mom passed out, my dad had a heart attack and the neighbor next door shot himself. So it must be important.”

2. A pirate walked into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his testicles. The bar tender looked at the pirate and asked, “are you aware you have a steering wheel attached to your testicles?” The pirate responded by saying, “Arrgghh, tis drivin me nuts!”

A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says, "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you." Her husband asks, "Is that you, or the wine talking?" She replies, "It's me...talking to the wine."

An elderly couple went into a McDonald’s. The man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, “That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them”.

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the woman hadn't eaten a bite. * She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the woman said “No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.”

Finally, as the man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the woman, who had yet to eat a single bite of food, and asked, “What is it you are waiting for?”

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “I think my friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy, Sir. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.