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I knew my husband and I were in big trouble when I heard about the ukulele.

A friend told me her husband had spent $500 on a ukulele and kept it hidden for two months. Money had become such a sore subject that they'd completely stopped talking about it, so he was afraid to tell her about his impulse buy. And when he finally fessed up, she flipped. Financial and relationship chaos ensued.

This story gave me a cramp in my conscience: With two full-time jobs and 3-year-old twins, my husband, Rich, and I have let our money talks slip for a while (okay, for three years). We've stopped tracking receipts and we don't even have a will. I've quietly started saving less for retirement, and he didn't check in with me before signing up for benefits at his new job. We're well on our way to a ukulele meltdown.

My husband and I are hardly alone in our failure to communicate about money matters: Only 23 percent of couples say they work together to plan their financial lives. And couples tend to give wildly differing answers on big money questions, such as when they expect to retire, about 30 percent of the time. No wonder Parade's 2008 survey on marriage found that money was the leading cause of marital fights.

But with the economy plagued by a deepening recession, it's more important than ever for couples to stay connected about cash. "Financial uncertainty creates anxiety, and that can lead to more arguments," says Mary Claire Allvine, coauthor of The Seven Most Important Money Decisions You'll Ever Make. "But you need to find ways to overcome the stress and work as a team to survive these tough times." She says the most important thing Rich and I can do — for our fiscal lives and our marriage — is to unite on six absolutely critical fronts. "Money doesn't have to drive you apart," Allvine says. "In fact, it can actually bring you closer together." Here's how.

When Christina Lim, 31, and Henry Wong, 39, of San Diego, got married two years ago, they immediately hammered out their long-term goals. First on the list: Buy a house. Next, save to start a family, and finally, sock away more for retirement. So they set an ambitious plan: Save 40 percent of their take-home income. "We'd both write a check toward the house fund every month," says Christina, a communications consultant. They bought their first home last year. Now they save about 20 percent of their income, directing half to retirement and half to building up their cash cushion.

Figuring out your financial goals may sound daunting, but it's nothing to dread: Sit down regularly to make a list — without consulting each other — of your money and life goals for three time periods: the short term (six months down the road), mid-term (six months to three years) and long term (over three years). "Each person should make a list of their goals, several times. Then bring those to your partner to compare and see which goals you both want to work toward together," says Olivia Mellan, author of Money Harmony. "Couples tend to think that money talks are frustrating and filled with angst, but this exercise is actually sort of romantic," adds Allvine. "After all, it's your shared dreams that brought you two together in the first place."

"I never liked talking about money," says Jane Fletcher, 29, a commercial real estate lender in Chicago. But her husband, Todd, 31, is a real estate investor who likes to discuss every angle of a financial decision — and make spreadsheets — before they act. "I think it goes back to our upbringings," she says. "I didn't have to worry about money and he did." It's important to talk about your parents' attitudes about money and to share your own feelings about finances with your partner — as well as to listen to your partner's thoughts. "By getting strong emotions off your chest, you'll both feel heard and validated and be less likely to blame each other for financial problems," says Mellan.

Over time, the Fletchers have learned to make their differences work for them. When they started shopping recently for their dream home, Jane kept pushing for the perfect house, even if it stretched them; Todd worked the numbers so they could understand the sacrifices. "Todd has taught me how important it is to be vocal and open about money," says Jane. "I used to just push money issues under the rug."

The best way to keep money fights at bay is to have regular pre-appointed money dates. "Get together no less than once a month to review your financial picture and reaffirm your goals and to-do lists," says Mellan. "Relating specific issues — like spending on clothes or gadgets — back to your big goals helps couples avoid fights because it reminds you that you're on the same page." During your money dates, make sure neither of you is stressed out or tired and that you don't have a big project (like filing your taxes) looming over you. And when you do hit points of conflict or contention, says Mellan, try to be empathetic: "Play back what the other person said, and then make sense of it from your perspective. You might say, 'I know you feel anxious about this, and I know this is important to you.'" That kind of empathy can suck the negative emotion right out of money talks.

"Brad has his own account, where he does things his way, and I have mine, where I do things my way. I don't have to talk every little thing over with him when I have money that I earned and expenses that I pay for."

Take account of your accounts.

Roughly 64 percent of all couples have joint accounts, according to a REDBOOK and SmartMoney survey, and a survey by REDBOOK and Lawyers.com found that those with joint accounts reported a slightly higher level of marital satisfaction. But when it comes to managing accounts — his? hers? ours? mine? — every couple has to find their own solution, which may take some time. The important thing is to take an honest look at both of your financial styles and set up a system that suits you, and also to be flexible and reassess it as your incomes and priorities evolve.

Mandi and Clint Davis of Chester, VA, for instance, pool all of their money simply because "it's much easier to keep track of when it's all together," says Mandi, 30, a teacher. Combining everything in a joint account, which she manages, also makes Mandi feel confident that they have a handle on their spending. "I never worry about whether a bill was taken care of or not," she says. Their system helps them work as a team and keeps the peace. "We just don't fight about spending," she says.

On the other hand, many couples prefer his-and-hers finances. Love Streams, 34, a management consultant from Los Angeles, and her husband, Michael, 36, a lawyer, tried a joint account when they first got married. "But keeping on top of each other's purchases and deposits seemed to make our finances more complex," says Love. They eventually ditched the joint account and went back to separate ones, with Michael paying the big, predictable expenses, such as the mortgage, and Love paying household bills and incidentals. "In a sense, we've each given up a certain amount of control in specific areas of our financial lives so that we can focus on other elements of our relationship," says Love.

Another option is meeting in the middle, with his-hers-and-ours accounts. Kate Washington, 36, a recipe developer, and her husband, Brad Buchanan, 38, a college professor, from Sacramento, CA, are financial opposites: She reconciles her checkbook to the penny; he never balances his accounts. Rather than combining everything and trying to marry their money habits, they compromised, adding a joint account for shared household expenses, which Kate manages, while also keeping their separate accounts for personal spending. "Brad has his own account, where he does things his way, and I have mine, where I do things my way," says Kate. They pay for their own personal expenses, such as clothes, from their personal accounts, which gives them both a sense of freedom. "I don't have to talk every little thing over with him," says Kate. Plus, she notes, this system makes gift giving more fun. Two years ago, Brad surprised Kate with an iPod. "I loved it. It was a total surprise, and, of course, if we only had one joint credit card, I would have known if there was a charge to the Apple store," she says.

"For either of us to spend more than $50 on any one item, we have to call the other person. That gets us to stop and think, Do I really need to buy this?"

Share the reins on cash flow.

Once you've agreed on the way you combine — or separate — your cash, the next step to keeping financial harmony is sharing the responsibilities and duties in managing it. Talk about which financial tasks you're each willing to do. One study found that happy couples split financial chores: One spouse will pay the bills, for example, while the other oversees savings and taxes. Whoever handles the bill paying can also easily track spending by using online banking, a money software program such as Quicken, or a budgeting application like Mvelopes. "You both need to know how much is coming in and going out in order to move toward your goals," says Allvine. So once a month, the couple's "CFO" should print out their statements and budget spreadsheets and discuss them with their partner. Are any categories, such as utilities or groceries, bigger or smaller than you expected? Are there areas where you can cut spending to better meet your goals?

"One way to keep your spending under control is to come up with a trigger number," says Susan Strasbaugh, a financial planner in Colorado Springs, CO — as in, you can each spend as much as you want up to the trigger without consulting your partner, but if you want to spend more, you need to clear it. When Vicki, 56, and Don Westapher, 64, of Colorado Springs, got married, they picked $50 as their threshold. "For either of us to spend more than that on any one item, we had to call the other person to discuss it," says Vicki. "That got us to stop and think, Do I really need to buy this?" Not only do guidelines like these limit impulse buys, says Strasbaugh, but they also create a habit of financial openness that makes any money talk go more smoothly.

"Just knowing that you have money saved is very powerful and comforting for a couple," says Jean Chatzky, money expert and author of Make Money, Not Excuses. "Money in the bank is security if something goes wrong, such as a job loss or health emergency." How much money? These days, experts like Chatzky are recommending that you have at least six months' worth of living expenses in the bank, which should cover the basics — mortgage, car payments, food, and utilities. "The easiest way to save is to pay yourself first," she says. "Set up an automatic transfer from your checking account to your savings account to occur each payday. This way, you won't even miss the money."

Most financial planners also recommend putting at least 10 percent of your pre-tax income toward retirement. And while it's tempting to stop investing in your 401(k) or IRA in this tough economy, now is not the time to lose your nerve. "If anything, you need to be saving more, since economic setbacks may have put your goals farther out of reach," says Allvine. Consider consulting with a financial planner to match your goals with the right investments. Many companies offer free financial advice through their 401(k) plans, or you can find a personal financial adviser at napfa.org.

Keep in mind that how much you save, and where you save it, should be determined by the goals and priorities you and your partner agreed on. For instance, if your top goals are to retire and build your emergency fund, you might put away 5 to 10 percent of your pre-tax income toward retirement and 5 to 10 percent toward your emergency fund until you reach six months' savings, then continue building up your retirement accounts, as well as saving toward other big goals (a renovation or college fund). If you can't save 20 percent or even 10 percent (and many couples can't), just put something away through automatic savings. Simply getting into the habit of saving automatically — even $50 or $100 a month — will boost your chances of reaching your most important goals.

Having a will is an absolute must for couples, say financial planners, especially if you have kids. I'm pretty sure the experts would frown on my default estate plan with Rich: "Live forever." The advantage of this plan is that we don't argue about whether his siblings or mine would make better guardians for our children. The disadvantages...well, you can imagine.

A better way to achieve peace of mind, I'm told, is to bite the bullet, confront your inevitable mortality, and get a will and a health-care power of attorney, which designates someone to make health-care decisions for you if you are too sick to be able to make them for yourself. If you have kids, you'll also need to name guardians in your will. You can write quick, affordable estate plans with Quicken WillMaker or at legalzoom.com. Invest in a fireproof safe or rent a safe deposit box to store your will, as well as old tax documents, passports, and other irreplaceables. Finally, be sure to keep a list of all Internet passwords, financial account numbers, and emergency contact numbers in a safe place.

Review your worst-case-scenario plans yearly. "We recommend having an annual contingency day — your birthday, January 1, or Independence Day. That's the day you sit down together and ask the big question, the what-if," says Candace Bahr, cofounder of the Women's Institute for Financial Education and a financial planner in San Diego. "If something happens, what will you do, whom do you trust, and where are your financial documents?"

If you have kids, you also need life insurance. "The rule of thumb is to insure yourself and your partner for 10 times your salaries," says Strasbaugh. In other words, if you're covered and earn $70,000 a year, your beneficiaries will receive $700,000 when you die. If one partner has no income, cover that person for the cost of any services the surviving partner would have to pay for — child care, housekeeping, etc. Experts estimate these services may cost up to $40,000 a year — so you might consider a $400,000 policy, but you should do the math to see what works for your family's needs. (For help, visit life-line.org.)

Recently, Rich and I spotted the flaw in our plan to live forever and bought life insurance to support our family if (oops, I mean when) we die. Along the way, we realized that reconnecting financially wasn't so hard. After all, if we could talk about our own deaths, we can surely talk about the best way to pay the bills. And we'd rather take the extra time to tune up our money lives than come unstringed by a ukulele meltdown.

Oh, and my friend with the hidden instrument problem? Her husband now reveals every purchase and, with my pal's full support, actually makes a profit buying and selling ukuleles.