A COOL MIND

Saturday, December 20, 2014

The day she was admitted, she became known for
her expression of a deer caught in headlights.I saw fear in her eyes, a fear of the
days to come as her disease was progressing.

I always related fear with the unknown, until I
saw her with the fear of the known. She was afraid, she was aware, and she
looked like a deer caught in headlights.

To some, their eyes are windows to
their souls; you can see in their eyes your own destiny.Others have eyes which remind us of windows with curtains, limitations of their bodies with their fears blinding them from living
in the present moment.

I knew her and her disease,
her diagnosis and the prognosis of what she had. She was suffering from a
drug and radiation resistant cancer. To see her suffering from a cancer which
was changing her to someone slowly drifting away from life as her systems were
shutting who was always in pain with no appetite, losing weight and hair, was
not easy. She was down, as if she was a computer with an infected hard drive. One
of the challenges we faced was her inquisitive nature. She wanted to live a
little bit more. She had many questions
about her disease, treatment options, and prognosis.The dilemma in caring for her was one of a kind; the knowing of
not knowing, the awareness of hopelessness and the certainty of failure
regardless of cutting edge technology with our best efforts. The feeling of not
being able to do much as a doctor while dealing with an aggressive cancer brought
paralyzing emotions of lost hopes and powerlessness; a sense of not being able
to do the job with grace.

To keep fighting with the armaments of modern day medicine with a
sense of going in circles hoping to prolong life when tomorrows become
uncertain, test the resilience of the soul in a dying body. But clearly there
is always a hope to die in dignity. The concept of end of life care, staying at
home surrounded by loved ones rather than an assigned room number, is probably
the safest bet to inject some sense of control and the possibility of a dignified death when medical
treatments have limitations of care and cure. I wonder what if I would have
told her sooner when I realized that there was no hope to prolong life, but
there was hope to pass on in dignity. Life is
not easy to live she knew; the pain of hanging on was severe but she wanted to
hang in there and to fight to live.

She was dying in the
hospital with her husband by her side, and he was there all the time as were we.
She was asked if there was anything that she wanted to have. She asked for a glass
of wine and her husband got it for her.

I remember that
afternoon, she had wine and we browsed through her photo-albums of world-wide cruises,
and pictures of waves and winds, rains and storms.She looked at me with a smile
and rather strangely said, “I am glad I met you at this time, I can't thank you
enough” and told me that “everything will be fine”, as her faith has guided her
throughout her last days.I felt tears
in my eyes; no words, no voice, our silence said it all.

I wonder how, while most lose hope, some take their gloves off and
raise their arms up while kneeling down believing in the teaching of ask, so it
shall be granted. This may be a holistic approach to gain some hope for
patients while they are contemplating the proposed medical treatments. The
scientific mind may argue about the variability of results of the power of
prayer, but those who know the science of it will keep doing what has always
worked and always will.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

I knew her, and her disease, diagnosis and the prognosis of
what she had. She was suffering from a drug
and radiation resistant cancer. Seeing her suffering from a cancer which was
slowly changing her to someone always in pain, without appetite, weight and
hair loss was not easy. She was slowly drifting away from life as her systems were shutting down, as it happens to an infected hard drive of a computer.

One of the challenges was her inquisitive nature of asking
questions, she had many questions about her disease, and she wanted to live a
little bit more. The dilemma in caring for her was one of its kind; the knowing
of not knowing, the awareness of hopelessness and the certainty of failure
regardless of our cutting edge technology with best efforts. My job as a doctor is not simple. The feeling of not able
to do much while dealing with an aggressive cancer or a septic shock is
one of the worst.

Some doctors keep fighting with the armament of modern day
medicine in circles. The plight of using experimental drugs with the notion of
poisons being used to kill bad cells while killing the rest of the body full of
good cells creating fake hopes for patients and their families. This we may call
as a routine protocol based practice.

I wonder what if we would have told that there is no hope to
prolong life, but there is hope to leave in dignity. The concepts of the end of life care, staying at
home and dying at the familiar places, surrounded by those who have known
people, rather than an assigned room number, is probably the safest bet to
inject some hope of control in a dying being.

I wonder while most lose hope, some take their gloves off, and
raise their arms up while kneeling down believing in the teaching of asking so
shall be granted. This may be a holistic
approach to gain some hope while contemplating . The scientific mind may argue about
the variability of results, but those who know the science of prayers will keep
doing what has always worked and will be always working.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

He was a nice and a caring man; he was like an angel. Those who claimed to know him were saying those words in past tense as he was not there anymore.That was not the fact. He was there among us then, but not there as we want people to be, present in our presence.

He was suffering from dementia, body movement disorder and variety of other health issues. He was just contained in himself with total dependence on others for his existence. I saw a gentlemen with a past history, a social history, a family history and a history of presenting illness, which we the doctors are trained to take down on a paper, knowing that history is also a story of a person in a reference point of time, and is made on the daily basis. I saw him as a man absent from his present and, who was unaware of something known as future.

The other side of the story was the history of real him, which is true for all of us. Even sometimes we as ourselves doubt as 'who am I" ; when a situation in our own life surprise ourselves when some hidden part of us were to reveal as a strength, we never knew was there in our DNA. No amount of truth or sharing of someones life will remove the burdens or blessings of ones own heart is also the other side of the often untold story. He was that person as I knew him, a person who was not able to explain why it happened to him or was that supposed to be happening anyway. I admired him as he deserved, a soul who raised himself by offering what is perishable anyway as who saves one life as he has saved all humanity. That's what the warriors of light do, I wonder.

Monday, July 14, 2014

Like me, you may have heard many times those words; he wants to die, she wants to live, he is not a quitter, he has lost hope. He is a fighter. And the question always was, what he was fighting with or fighting for. Why he was not looking for peace? Is death is the real enemy?

Life is a mystery as is the search for finding the truth. Life as such is an illusion so is the truth. Some may say that the journey of life matters a lot than life itself. As time change so do we; the beings as we called ourselves and the bodies those rock the world at some point of time in our own frame of references of places and persons lose connections. The body gets tired, breathing gets shallower, heart start sinking, mind getting burdened and the bladder gets weaker, and the race for fighting for life and more time getting cumbersome........

It is only then when some will raise but most will fall, as few has the capacity to say it out loudly;
'it is what it is'. No remorse, no guilt, just plain simple acceptance.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

He was old and rusty from outside but nice and shinny on the
inside. He had his mind, experience, money, family and relatively speaking his health, as he counted
his blessings. Then he sounded sad and told me that he had regrets of spending
too much sleepless nights on worldly matters; counting his successes and failures
while his was dying, nothing matters as such, he said.

The moment of truth is always at the hind side. The struggles
and the process of going through those during
our lifetimes literally blind us with temporary triumphs and setbacks. The
bigger triumphs we achieve, the greater the illusion of forever life we get
into.

He died of natural cause, we called old age that brought
culmination to the illusion that success matters and failures counts in this
life. To be honest life is a journey ,we all know but few remember, and don’t
forget to enjoy the journey while travelling the road of life as nothing matters
in the end except a clear conscious.Those were his last words before embarking into
a journey on the other side.

Sunday, April 6, 2014

He was living and ticking as some will say at his best at age 94. He was blessed in many ways but the best part he told me was that he was able to escape from doctors until age 74 when he got his knee surgery. I saw him sitting in a chair doing his taxes and murmuring about how much Uncle Sam can take from his hard earned money.

He was suffering then from a weak heart and a frail mind. Being living was a privilege for him , and able to breath on his own was a true blessing.

He reminded me that life is a losing battle for us living beings; whatever we do will end one day and, nothing matters as nothing last so as to speak.

He died peacefully as he made his choices to keep him comfortable when he expected to be the most uncomfortable near his end. We did keep our words.

To some, life is a road of moments; one moment lead to another with no return of the same moment ever. Time well spent is the mother of all blessings. But modern day struggles of mind and machine, life and careers, us and them, power and freedom. money and food, and the worst of all, living in an age of political correctness. Our planet is not a happy place any more sadly.

To others, they believe in here and now; no more mars or moon. They are the ones who wish to save our planet from our own mischief of wars and weapons by saying no to false promises.

We live once so lets live peacefully, eat healthy and live longer. Be happy and make others happy. I wish the secret of world peace was as simple like this.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

You may have heard this many times,but I will say it again. One day at a time, I told her.
She was recovering from her respiratory failure. She was being able to weaned then and was able to talk with a Passy Meuer valve. But that was not enough for her, and she was getting depressed with her pace of recovery.

She had a list of things she was not able to do like eating,drinking,walking,sleeping,eccetra, while able to talk with her speaking valve.

I reminded her of the day she was admitted after her life threatening illness on a ventilator. Then she just wanted to live, even never able to talk,walk,eat; even on the ventilator for the rest of her life. She just wanted to be there for her loved ones.

As she was recovering from her illness, she was losing sight of gains she had made. The dance of recovery: one step forward, two steps backwards,one step backward,two steps forwards was consuming her.

To some, understanding of the process of recovery keep them in sync. They move as their day swing,one day at a time.They do so like the magnificent trees standing while a storm pass by.They keep their ground, they stand to see the next good day of calm. They are the blessed one: thankful of what was left of them rather than what was not there, or may or may not come.

Others, suffer more while suffering from the initial illness. The dance of recovery continues till eternity for those; ungrateful of what was left of them, they struggle with demons of anxiety for what was not there, or may or may not come while time takes its course and fate reveals itself, as things were meant to be...........

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Everyone love life though for some living life is both an art and science. Some people love to live and others are living to die as everyone does. Then there are the life hoppers.

He was admitted again, as I saw his name on the chart. I knew him from his last admission and other admissions over the years. Every time it looked as that was his last time there in hospital but every time he made it back to life. He was just not ready to hopp off life..

What is that which makes some people like him to stay back despite of all odds. He had End stage renal disease and was on dialysis, heart blocks and got pacemaker, he got stomach bleed and it was managed, he got pneumonia and other infections, and he survived. He was an ordinary man but I saw his survival journey through medical and surgical interventions.He was a true life hopper as we called him.

Is it science of medicine which keeps people alive or there is some thing beyond that. A question with a potential answer which can trigger more questions. To some, we die as we live; life is all about an experience of dying from the beginning. The life hoppers are the ones who give us a sense of understanding of what is there, beyond and near to most of us:.A question of having a quantity life in years to count versus a life full of fervor- a qualified,dignified life of self preservation keeping private what is our privates.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Being in her body was not easy, but being in her head was the real challenge. She was suffering from respiratory failure with advanced emphysema, heart failure and borderline renal insufficiency. She was dependent on the ventilator to breath, and spontaneous breathing was a story of past.

She was a warrior, as her family described her, she want to get better and she will fight for it.

But we saw her as a worrier; everything was a trigger of anxiety for her.Certainly that was a disaster, if one can't breath too. I do consider shortness of breath a close cousin of anxiety, both goes hand in hand, one comes following the other

Why we struggle so much in trying to get better, telling every one that our loved ones are the fighters, though a wounded one, and why they become worriers instead. Those were the questions then, and those are questions now.

The power of acceptance and moving on with what we really know about our limitations is one way of dealing a worrier state of mind. Acceptance can be our armor and what we want from ourselves can guide us in the journey though the end of our earthly life. It may be a choice of a good quality of life over a leased life on artificial means.The answer is usually on our faces, it is that acceptance which can liberate oneself, and can turn a worrier into a warrior. Most people know that but few do apply.

Saturday, November 23, 2013

He was suffering from a multitude of health issues, and nothing was new for him and his wife. Their life was revolving in and out of hospitals, and waiting for the next doctor's office appointments.

When I met him, he was not doing well. His breathing was labored, his heart rhythm was irregular, his lungs were getting filled in with fluid and his kidneys were shutting down. Then he recovered. He was a man with nine lives as we get to know him.

Though his progress was slow but steady, his recovery was amazingly in right direction and his tests were showing signs of improvement.

One day his wife told me that she is frustrated with his condition, then she continued that she understood her husband's condition and not looking for a miracle.

To some, miracles never happen in their lives or surroundings. They may need to define a miracle differently. They may have to look at them selves, waking up every morning, walking on two feet with a balance, how it happened; they may need to ponder.

Others are the believers, and they live a life full of miracles. They know that each breath is a miracle in itself. How it happen,why it happen, no questions.Lets receive it and keep a miracle simple; that is their motto.

Just be happy to waking up every day to greet sun and moon, birds and sky, and be in love; we are surrounded by miracles. Feel it.

Who Am I

I was born sometime ago,lived in different timezones and still living to see what comes next.Just remember a saying "for every time zone that we are in,other than here,we drain our life energy"
All my stories are fictional,mind creations with no real character, time,place and person.