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Thursday, July 2, 2009

Every Sunday from 11am-2pm for the past 13 years, swing dance aficionados have been gathering in Golden Gate Park to lindy hop, socialize, and generally terrorize parkgoers. Officials have come to their senses and are finally cracking down on the lawlessness that is Lindy in the Park.

"Enough is enough," said one passerby who asked to remain anonymous. "The joy, the amusement, the toe-tapping music -- I can't take it anymore! I'm glad the city is putting the screws to these thugs once and for all."

In an impressive display of priority-setting and all-around competence, local agencies have reassigned 380 police officers to bolster the fight against swing dancing in the park. Although no timeline has been established, one source said that 90% of the city's law enforcement resources will be diverted to the swing-dancing clampdown for "as long as it takes."

"And if we have to raise taxes to get the job done," said a source close to the mayor, "then so be it. The bottom line is, we're taking our park back from these punks."

"I go to the park to get high, mug tourists, and sell weed to children," said a teenager dressed in black and wearing a ski mask. "I shouldn't have to witness this upbeat, adorable fun. And I most certainly should have to feel compelled to take advantage of their free dance lessons."

"This Sunday's surprise raid on the dancers won't be easy," said a local park ranger. "Those swingouts are fast. That music is distracting. You storm in to make an arrest, and suddenly you see this older couple doing the side-by-side Charleston and you can't help but get misty-eyed. Reminds you of your grandparents. You sort of want to boogie. But you've got to stick to the mission. Snap out of it, Johnson! Don't let them dancers get in your head like that."

By its own admission, Lindy in the Park is "open to dancers of all ages and levels." According to verbiage collected by forensic analysts from the group's web site, "There is space to sit, take a breather, chat with friends and strangers, dancers and tourists, and otherwise enjoy the fresh outdoor air."

These lawless lindy hoppers had better enjoy the "fresh outdoor air" as much as they can, because there's no fresh outdoor air in the joint, the slammer, the big house -- and by all accounts, that's where they're headed.

"I want to go to the museum, look at the art, go back to my hotel, and take a nap," said a man visiting San Francisco for the first time. "I want to see San Franciso the way God intended it, and God never intended for anyone to dance."