Thursday, July 6, 2006

Shit and Spit...

... and sleep. Remember sleep? I used to loooove sleep. That sweet, sweet feeling of sinking into bed, into a nest of blankets, into your own body, wrapping your arms around a cool soft pillow and letting yourself drift quietly away on a magic blankie ride to the land of Nod.

You can still have that when you're a new mother, you know. You can sink into those blankets, drift away on that sweet ride.

It's just that odds are it's going to be a very short trip.I was going to do a sweet little post about WonderBaby today. One of those lovely 'letters to my baby' posts that serve to both celebrate and record all that is amazing about the loves of our lives. Apropos of nothing at all - no birthday, no significant date - I was going to talk about how I love that she loves avocadoes, how I love that she smears them across her face and hoots for more. About how she reserves her turbo-crawling for really important projects like cat-hunting and climbing slides, and how she devotes most of her physical energies to standing and trying to walk. About how her crawling calls to mind the movements of a miniature gorilla on crack. About how she is more amazing to me than any creature that can be found in a zoo or in the wild or in any imagination, cracked-up or otherwise. About how much I love her.

But despite all her crazy turbo-charged jacked-up-on-avocado adorableness, all that I can think about is how little she is sleeping these days, and how much she is - once again - kicking my ass.

She's got a cold, and she's cutting her first teeth. And she's working on standing and walking 24-7 (in her sleep, people. In her sleep. Nothing weirder than checking on your baby middle of the night - 'cause, you know, if she's been crying every hour on the hour any protracted silence becomes unnerving - and finding her fully upright and slumped against the bars of her nocturnal jail.) What we are currently living through (barely) is, I think, the mother of all sleep regressions.

I have, during a few of these nights, resorted to desperate measures: I have pulled WonderBaby into bed with me and suffered the Wild Kingdom sleep that is sleep with a rabid badger disguised as a baby. I wrote about that sweet torture for this month's blog exchange, and don't particularly feel like revisiting it. I will say only this: I know that someday I will look back on those nights and miss, keenly, the experience of laying awake while she kicks me in the boob with her tiny velvet feet. But for now, that experience gets filed under desperate measures.And that, my friends, is a file that is getting pretty thick. Because when we aren't bringing WonderBaby into bed with us, we are Crying It Out.

I know. I'm combining two entirely incompatible approaches to getting baby to sleep. It's a recipe for disaster, if the quote-unquote experts are to be believed. Ferber and Sears are, both of them, spontaneously combusting as we speak.

But we're doing what we have to do. We're living under extreme conditions here, people.

To be clear - and to ward off any Sleep Training Nazis that might come goose-stepping at me with dog-eared copies of Mein Kampf der Kinder Schlaf (My Baby Sleep Struggle, by Dr. Ferber S. Weissbluth) and yelling about the One Right Way and Correct Sleep Solutions - we're not crying it out and co-sleeping at the same time. We're just doing what works in any given moment. I know WonderBaby's cries. I understand her language. I bring her into bed with me when her cries are frantic, when I know that her crying is going escalate. We've had a few nights like this, nights during which she wakes up a few hours after going down and begins crying inconsolably. Really crying. Such that no amount of soothing and nursing settles her enough for her to go back into her crib without shrieking. Those nights, I send the Husband to the couch (so that he can get enough rest before rising at dawn to shoot all those Swiffer and Budweiser commercials that the world is so sorely lacking) and pull WonderBaby into bed to nurse and cuddle to sleep. The rest of that story, you know.

The other nights, we cry it out. WonderBaby no longer likes going to bed. WonderBaby protests bedtime. WonderBaby pulls herself up to standing the moment she hits the crib mattress and rattles her cage. She refuses. She will not have it. She will fight the good fight, she will resist, she will shout out against the tyranny of The Mom, she will... yawn... say it loud... hmm... shout... Ma Ma Ma Ma... zzz... (slump... thud.)

The Cry of Protest and the Chortle of Sleepiness are very different from the Distress Call, the Keening of Discomfort and the Warble of the Very Sad. The latter cannot be ignored (or, at least, I cannot ignore them.) The former, however, fall best upon deaf ears.

Once upon a time - not too long ago - I was convinced that I would never, ever be able to tolerate hearing my baby cry and not responding. The slightest whimper from her was like a dagger to my heart and I could not help but obey the impulse of my body to leap to her and clutch her to me and do anything, anything, to dry her tears. Now, not so much. Oh, my heart still clenches when I hear any variety of distress call, and I will sometimes wake to find myself leaping out of bed towards the nursery in response to those calls. But my tired body sags a little when a certain kind of crying starts, and a little voice inside my head murmurs oh sweetie I'm sorry as I shut the door of the nursery and wait for the cries to run their course.

I walk away from the door and let her put herself to sleep, or back to sleep. She usually does. I'm happy about that. But I'm still a little sad that we've turned this corner - this first corner of independence, this first of many such corners, where I insist that she do something on her own.

And a little conflicted. Because it's hard to let go of the idea that a Good Mother clutches her child to her chest and never lets go, that she becomes a little wild at the sound of her baby's cry. That only a Bad Mother ignores the pounding of her heart as she shuts the door on her crying baby and walks away. That only the heart of a Bad Mother calms itself easily as the crying fades behind that door.

50 Comments:

This shit is soooo hard but you are doing the right thing. A mom who hasn't had an ass kicking at night is better prepared for the ass kicking that is sure to happen during the day. We did CIO on and off because I was too much of a wimp to go hardcore and I wish I had because once I did, after many months of little sleep, everything changed for the better. HANG IN THERE!

1) Dear God how I fear and dread the 8-month sleep regression. The 4-month wasn't so bad, but we're doing a 6-month growth spurt which translates into nursing every two hours all. night. long. Just a taste of the misery that is to come, I know.

2) As moms, we have to do what we have to do. If that means a Sears/Ferber hybrid sleep training/survival tactic, then so be it, and to hell with the self-righteous tards who might criticize. You're doing better than I am with that certain fussy cry. Instead of "sweetie I'm sorry," I've been known to mumble "oh, dry it up," because I know what that cry means. And the bottom line is, we do know what our babies need.

You are doing the right thing. Whatever is it that you and WonderBaby need to do to make it through is the Right Thing.

Yeah, sleep regression sucks. Don't worry though. It usually doesn't last more than a week. And things do get easier after awhile. Good luck!

By the way, "the Cry of Protest and the Chortle of Sleepiness are very different from the Distress Call, the Keening of Discomfort and the Warble of the Very Sad" is my favorite sentence of the week. I love your way with words.

I have no words of wisdom, only hugs and sympathy. We're still battling with He Who Will Not Sleep in His Own Bed. We were going good there for a couple weeks. Then took a vacation and it all went to shee-it. Hang in there. I raise my coffee mug to you.

Poor you. Sleep deprivation sucks. We combined Ferber and Sears too. For us it was let him cry it out for a bit (it killed me - and it also depended on the kind of crying) and then he'd sleep for like a couple hours then I'd go to bed and bring him with me so that when he woke up to nurse he would fall back to sleep. I know - weird. But, it worked for awhile - and if it meant some sort of sleep I did it. One time we went for a drive and when he fell asleep I parked in the garage (with the car off) locked the doors and slept for an hour. Because I just needed that rest - who cares ...You do what works. But it's so hard. But it does get better. I promise. Matt turned the corner at 1. I know it's a long way off, but really it got better then.And, you know what, though. I don't think you will really miss being kicked all night. I don't! I do miss the snuggling sometimes, but really, it's so much nicer to have him in a seperate bed.

I am there in those sleepless trenches with you. It is hard. Indeed it is.

I had one night where I was completely indifferent to the frantic cries. Indifferent. It was like the cries were unattached to any emotion.

A few days later every little whimper sent me into a soothing maniac.

Probably the hardest thing is picking one approach and sticking with it, because your emotions about it will vary. Whether the approach is to cry it out, or co-sleep, you're always going to question yourself.

I've resigned myself to that. I can't commit to either approach, and that's that.

I've done it twice... going on to the third time... IT. DOES. GET. BETTER. ... by then you will seem to think that having another little angel is a good idea =) Chortling with a few sleep deprived snorts... sorry. I've found around each major accomplishment (milestone, damn that word) sleep becomes a thing of little use. Like their little neurons are firing too quickly to be bothered with sleep! You are doing what thousands of other sleep deprived moms are doing.... surviving! Welcome to the club!

Oh HBM, I feel your pain. I too felt that I could never let my baby cry it out, that I would be a "bad mother" for doing so. But the reality is that if I don't let little guy cry it out once in a while, I will be worse for it in the morning. So, he cries it out now and then. And all is really OK. And it will be OK for you and Wonderbaby too.

yeah, we combined so many things in so many ways while going through that part, but it worked out okay, because we, like you, were doing what our intuition as parents said was right for us and our child.

To move her from our bed to hers, we started out rocking/singing/dancing her to sleep and putting her down asleep in her own crib. The more she woke up there safe and we let her spend a bit of time there before we got her, she got used to being in there, and eventually we would put her down in her bed for the evening, adn then just bring her to ours at 2 am, and then eventually started putting her in her own all the time. and she got accustomed to her bed, and one day, it was fine to put her down awak but groggy. and then awake and not even so groggy. And now, we put her in and she may talk to herself for a while, but unless she is seriously upset, we can ignore her.

All that is to say - you'll get there. Keep pushing the edges a tiny bit at a time. It tries the patience at times - a few times I was ready to CIO against my own feelings on it, but ultimately, what we did was good for us and everybody's happy now.

AND OH MY GOD I DID NOT KNOW THAT YOU WERE GOING TO BLOGHER, NOT THAT I WOULD GET TO MEET THE FAMOUS (OR INFAMOUS), SWEET, THOUGHT-PROVOKING, WONDERFUL, TALENTED, HUMOROUS HER ROYAL HER BAD MOTHER IN PERSON. I'M SO THRILLED!!

Amen! This shit is sooooo hard. My daughter didn't sleep through the night until she was 14 months old, right about the time she started to walk. It was torture. I feel for you!!! Can you get a babysitter or someone to come over so you can get some rest?

Now you worry about her sleeping in her room, in a coupe of years you need to turn off TV and computer and make her go to sleep. After that, it is the cerfew. She wants to stay out with friends, etc!!! What a world!

God bless you all Good Mothers.

I am just curious. I asked my mom about this and she said when I was a baby, I slept through the night and I didn't mind being in a separate room, playing or sleeping by myself. Are babies different? Can someone explain why that is?

You are a brave, brave lady to use the dreaded acronym in so public a forum! Except really you aren't because look at all the support (so far - we'll see if any tardage hits the fan). It sounds like you're doing very much what we did with the Pie. As others have said, it really is a good, good thing you're doing - life is better for everyone when there is more sleep.

It is absolutelt sleep regression. Before babies make milestones - especially walking/crawling types they stop sleeping. The sleep they do get? They are doing the activity IN THEIR SLEEP. I can't tell you how many infants I have watched do this over and over and over. Makes adults crazy, but to the baby brain? Perfect wiring sense. Those neurons and synapses are a-firing away.

Dawn, I was thinking Promethean, since wonderbaby brings so much light to us all and everything... *eye roll at myself*

HBM - I forgot to say, Mein Kampf der Kinder Schlaf has got to be one of the more hilarious things I've read in a while. I love it! God, how funny/smart woudl you be if you were sleeping? Scary to contemplate.

It is hard, but I swear it gets better. Well, and then it gets worse again, but then it gets better again.

At first I felt awful about letting Cordy cry in her crib. But like you, I could tell the difference between cries of protest and cries of true need. What we've done so far has helped her - now at bedtime we simply place her in her crib, and she either rolls over and goes to sleep or sits up and plays with her stuffed animals a little bit before going to bed. No protests.

Somehow I think we'll be facing far more difficult moments of letting go in the future. The only difference is that they they'll be the ones telling us, "Aw, mom, would you just let go?"

As you well know, I'm with you all the way here. I think whatever "technique" you follow--or make your own as you go along--we're all just trying to do the best we can.

I have to say though, the Weissbluth is working like a charm. As much as I found parts of his book pious and judgmental, it's working. I can also say that a Good Mother sometimes knows that letting go is the best possible thing you can do.

We are taking a nearly idetical approach with our babe. I can tell which type of cries need immediate mommy snuggles and which ones a finger sucking session will soothe. Some folks will disagree, but as with everything, what works best for you and your baby is what's beast for you and your baby. Good luck!

The independence - I dread that too. But you know that you've got to get used to it fast; Wonderbaby is such a determined little girl, there is likely no limit to what she will want to do and be able to do without - gasp - anyone's help. It is the flip side to having adventurous children perhaps.

As for the sleeping arrangements/strategies, I'm glad I don't read those books. All the smart mommies seem to say the same thing: whatever works for you. I know for a fact that not only are you a great mother but that Wonderbaby is a happy, flourishing baby (despite her current discomfort). She is all the evidence anyone would need to know that you are clearly doing things right.

Ok WonderBaby, you can just cut it out. In addition to torturing your poor mother, you've SOMEHOW (through international telepathy, baby mind-meld or elsewise) managed to get my otherwise happily night-sleeping gal to wake up in the middle of last night and now to refuse to fall asleep tonight. Whatever you are doing, just stop it.

Once again, same baby model here too. She's got the first two teeth but I think she's working on the next bunch, she has a miserable cold so she's waking herself up coughing, crawling & sitting up. If she was in the crib she'd be pulling herself up to stand. She was liking the crib but is now also going through the mother of all separation anxieties & she knows she'll be alone in there so as soon as she sees it she starts to cry. Must not be out of baby's sight. Ever. Am exhausted & stressed about what to do but like you & from the sounds of it, everyone else, am just going with what works at any given moment. You do what you can man. Must go sleep....

What you feel is right for her is right. But it's true, this shit is hard and I have to remind myself of what I just said all the time. We go back and forth every week in my house, saying "that's it - we're letting him cry from now on!" but then he throws in that real cry, the one that is scared and frantic, and the plan goes out the window. And then usually by morning he's back in our bed.

It's amazing how we can function for so long on so little sleep, huh?

I've been lurking around here for a while - sorry. I'll try and start commenting. Love your blog.

I have yet to meet a mother who has ever said this part was easy. And I laugh too about the teething. It lasts forever. I mean it. FOREVER! Whenever the dictator cried hysterically, I'd bend and get her. And, you know what? She's fine now sleeping alone. So, I say, do what feels right...(Just don't blame me if she's still sleeping with you when she's 14...ha ha)

Oh I feel your pain. We went through this. Exactly this. And there is no ONE right way. And desparate times call for desparate measures.

I think the most insightful thing that you said was that you knew her language. You know how to read her and instictively how to respond. I remember those distress calls as if they were only yesterday. I felt them in my uterus. And in my heart.

I know this isn't remotely helpful in your sleep deprived state but as one who had done the time and lived to tell about it ... this will pass. It will. I promise.

In the meantime, is there someone that can watch her for an hour or two so you can get a nap. Mama needs some sleep even if Wonderbaby doesn't.

And that, I believe, is exactly what it takes to survive! Sometimes I wonder if the folks so caught up in the so-called Mommy Wars are really parents... and if so, where are they finding all the time and energy it takes to take up and bear arms? I'm strugglin' over here to just get up and cover asses in an appropriate time frame!

So, hugs, sympathy, and support from our corner of the blogosphere... we're cheering (quietly!) for you!

I so lvoe that you stated that you are just doing what feels right at any given time. That is how I did the sleep thing with our daughter and now she says "night" and "sleep" pulls the covers up and goes to sleep for the night. She has nights that suck but they are rare.

I chalk it all up to the fact she feels secure because we did answer her and do what we thought was best when she was a baby. At almost two she is in a big bed (has been since 15 months) and has no sleep issues!

it's soul-crushing. I've never felt so dispirited by any one thing before. the silver lining: there is one. usually, the dispiriting subjects are all gross, no yang. but with this, oh, hell. I don't need to 'splain. you've got wonderbaby to munch on while you read this.

It is sooo hard, but you are doing the right thing...you are following your heart. Because when it comes right down to it, you know your daughter best.

I have read every single sleep book on the planet (printed in English)and none of them provided me with that "magic bullet" that helped my child(ren) to sleep. Time and love and patience were the only things that really worked. Even if it means sleeping with a little badger (ours were trouts) on occasion.

Our motto: What ever gets ya' through the night.

My favorite sleep book: Sleeping Through the Night by Jodi Mindell. Not because it actually helped me get my then 5 month old to sleep for longer then 1 hour, but because of her excellent research on childrens and teenagers sleep patterns and requirements. A must read.

i almost cried reading your post. props to you for allowing yourself to know your baby so so well and to respond to her needs, when she needs you.

that said, i absolutely hate ferber and sleep training, because i think it is dangerous to teach a mother not to trust herself and respond to her baby the way she feels she needs to. glad to read that you are not going to be bullied by a 'method.'

it's been almost 14 months since i've had a full-night's sleep, but i'm not sure i could ever do 'it.' i guess we'll see.

It's great that you know that you WILL look fondly on those sleepless nights some day, but omigod that does NOT make them any less aggravating at the time!

I did all kinds of different things with my kids and they both sleep through the night most nights now. There is no right way to do it. Whatever keeps you from throwing her out the window or throwing yourself off a cliff is the right thing to do!

Finally I can finish reading your post... I had to restart this one over and over because someone was crying. No not husband, Bumper was having one of "those" evenings.

I too cannot ignore the "Warble of the Very Sad" (excellent descriptions btw). You are a fantastic mother because you understand WonderBaby, you know what she is saying in her crys. Isn't that the most amazing thing?! And now you have that new strength. Husband is amazed everytime I can identify a "cry it out" versus a "get me now!".

Good luck with this and I say this far too much but listen to your instincts, they're almost always right. If this regression drives you insane, you can always come cry to me. I understand. Oh I really do understand.

I'm glad I'm not alone.It's amazing how you can really tell the difference between cries. we have been going through the "pain" cries all week.so we end up letting lulu come into bed with us.which is not fun. (your description of sleeping with a rabid badger is pretty accurate)up until recently she was a 10-12 hr a night sleepy head.oh how I miss those nights.lets hope this phase will pass soon and we can once again enjoy a nice long trip to the land of nod.

The first five months of the Impling's life were just packed with sleepless, collicky goodness. 1 & 1/2 to 2 hours of sleep at a time every night. Every day. Actually, days were more like 1/2 hour to 2 hours.

I know about sleep deprivation.

And like lots of other mothers I read Ferber and Sears, took what I wanted from each, ignored what looked ridiculous, and made up my own routine with a little input and encouragement from our fabulous pediatrician.

Impling sleeps through the night now. 11 to 12 hours worth. And it is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo GOOD.

We're in the same boat - doing whatever works at the moment is how we've gotten through till now. We tried CIO and failed - us not Ashtabula - we just couldn't do it. She's a determined little booger and cried for 8 hours - 8 HOURS! We comforted every 20 minutes and this went on for a week. So now, we still snuggle her to sleep and she still wakes up 6-7 hours later (which is nice!) but she can't self-soothe herself to sleep...so if you find the magic trick that makes babies sleep - please reveal all...I'll wait here with my 2-liter of soda and bars of chocolate

At around 8mos of age I had my sleepy dwarf go sideways on me . Only thing that saved me after 8 weeks of uncertainty was delegation. Some serious call to the reinforcements, er understudy... AKA husband was required.

Think about it.. sometimes Fresh Horses can help.

Then 2 things... 1. Yep, crying is communicating and you got the phrase book etc. -- 2. Independence regrets, what are you doing.? Who's girl is more destined than yours?? Pace yourself.

I agree with the great parenting expert, Ralph Waldo Emerson, on this one:

"A foolish consistency is the hobgobblin of little minds..."

(Ignore the dot dot dot.)

I'm going to write a book called "Seat Of The Pants Parenting" in which it is proven that, really, nobody turns out okay but that it has nothing to do with parenting choices and everything to do with junior high.

Hang in there. This too shall pass - then come back around - then pass again.