SUPER CALEY GO BALLISTIC, RANGERS ARE ATROCIOUS, IS THE HEADLINE WE'D DEFINITELY HAVE USED HAD THIS STORY BEEN ABOUT THE LEAGUE CUP IN SCOTLAND AND NOT THE CORRESPONDING TOURNAMENT SOUTH OF THE BORDER

On the face of it, last night wasn't a particularly good one for Liverpool. They had been in proud possession of Tin Pot, the shiny three-handled metal jug which the do-gooders of the Football League charitably loan out each year to the most desperate and needy in society, the idea being that everyone should get the chance to feel special at some point. Sort of like when it was Dribbling Dave's turn to look after the class gerbil at infant school. (He's now PM, proof positive this isn't just wishy-washy liberal nonsense.) But yesterday evening the Football League was forced to confiscate Tin Pot from Liverpool, because they simply hadn't been looking after it properly. Joe Cole had got his head stuck in it, and spent the entire time waddling around blindly, clanking into things in the style of a knock-kneed buffoon. A League mandarin eventually managed to prise Tin Pot off Cole's confused noggin, but not before it had been battered completely out of shape, and covered in drool to boot. Oh Joe! Oh Liverpool! You'll not be seeing Tin Pot again any time soon, we'll be bound!

Still, it wasn't all bad news for Liverpudlians, because at Stamford Bridge, secret agent Scott Wootton, with Anfield roots but subsequently planted at Old Trafford, ensured rivals Manchester United won't be in possession of Tin Pot this season either. For Wootton delivered a masterclass in humour, the sort of act that hasn't been caught on film since the imperial phase of Harold Lloyd, one which could only have been more slapstick had he been receiving therapy for motor-skills disorder from Dr J Cole. Wootton spent most of United's tie at Chelsea bowling people over for penalties, gifting possession to the opposition near his own goal, and hanging precariously off the face of a clock, a routine which single-handedly snatched defeat from the jaws of victory for United – and for which a thermonuclear Sir Alex Ferguson hilariously blamed Nani instead.

All good knockabout fun, quite literally in Wootton's case, but the evening was to leave a sour taste – it's almost as if Carling should still be the tournament sponsor – when some toolkit in the crowd was spotted supposedly acting like a toolkit. An image published on the internet appeared to show some loser throwing monkey shapes at one of United's players, while breathing heavily through his mouth, though that second bit may not have been a conscious part of the gesture. Chelsea are looking into the matter, as well as investigating a series of objects pelted on to the pitch from the away section. Given what also happened last weekend, it's just as well these two clubs won't be playing each other for a wee while. Chelsea in particular, with Refgate looming over them, really could do with some space to chill out and relax. So, what's next up for them, then? A trip to their old pals in Leeds for the first time in eight-and-a-half years, that's what. Oh Tin Pot! How could you!

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"This prize is important only if Zlatan wins it. This would prove it to be a fair and independent award. If he does not win it that would only reinforce the impression that it is a politically corrupt prize" – Zlatan Ibrahimovic's Mr 15%, Mino Raiola, lets it be known that this season's Ballon d'Or holds deep significance for the future of global politics.

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FIVER LETTERS

"Re: the ever-increasing number of accusations of racism (Fiver passim). Without wanting to cast apsersions on the veracity of the allegations, I'm reminded of the South Park episode, The Wacky Molestation Adventure, where the children realised they could make their parents go away by use of the magic word 'molestered' to the proper authorities. In the show, this led to a tribal dystopia where children sacrificed each other to a statue of John Elway; perhaps we will soon see a world without referees, and players ritually slaughtered before Fulham's Michael Jackson statue? At least it would probably Stop Football" – Keith Hennigan.

"Four days ago or so, I read in the Fiver that Henning Berg was quoting some statement from the Norwegian FA about something. 'Ah, Henning Berg!' yours truly said, 'haven't heard of him in years'. So I Wiki-ed him and saw that he was a pretty useless manager at two Norwegian clubs; fair enough, no more thought was wasted on him. Well, I wasn't the only person to be reminded of Berg obviously, as two days later he became the Blackeye Rovers manager. So, obviously Venky's read the Fiver, thus explaining their incompetence" – Ian Finney.

"When I read the squad lists of the Republic O'Ireland I get a small bit of pride seeing Darren O'Dea's name on the list (yesterday's bits and bobs). It is a nice momentary distraction from the crushing feelings of desperation and despair associated with supporting Toronto FC, a team that has been at the bottom of the league six years in a row. If only we had relegation to put us out of our misery, at least then we could batter lower division teams like FC Edmonton" – Bruce Cooper.

"If Stephen Miller each day completely ignores the guts of the Fiver and simply follows the links to the Knowledge, the betting site, and everyone's favourite, Guardian Soulmates (yesterday's letters), then how did he find out about Graham Haslam's sadly misguided claim that the Fiver has been an educational tool for the first time?" – Scott McGowan.

"Re: an update on DJ Jazz Salt and Bongo Starlet's wedding gig (yesterday's letters). The ceremony's not until 22 December but we've had two Saturday afternoons preparing, and with Belinda Carlisle and Mogwai on the set-list we think we've got all bases covered for a stonking good night" – Gary Brenner.

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BITS AND BOBS

Newcastle Jets striker Michael Bridges has backed new team-mate Mr Em for an England return. Yep. "He's become a hero over here very fast," cheered Bridges of the striker with four flamin' A-League goals in four games. "I feel [Mr Em] could certainly still offer something for his country again."

New Blackeye Rovers manager Henning Berg has spent the morning trying to forget that bit about saying he'd never manage the club. "I was looking at it from the outside," he said, getting on his bike and pedalling furiously backwards. "Now I have spoken to the people inside the club, I know what they're thinking, I know what their ambitions are, I know what they're planning."

Arsène Wenger wants to reach a conclusion to Theo Walcott's contract talks. "There is urgency, how much I don't know, but there is urgency," he said, tapping his Urgency-Ometer, which had broken after he dropped it in a puddle. "We want to sort it out before Christmas, one way or the other."

And Mick McCarthy has taken over his 398th quite big club with a decent history. This week it's Ipswich Town. "It's a fantastic football club, with a proud tradition and history and a terrific fanbase," tootled McCarthy. "I'll get them up next season, finish 15th with a respectable cup run before going down bravely a season or two later," he didn't add.

STILL WANT MORE?

An animated Diego Maradona and the dangers of celebrating too soon feature in this week's Classic YouTube, much as they do in most Classic YouTubes. Hell, it's no bad thing.

You have to go back 90 years to find an Arsenal side as freewheeling as this one, notes Scott Murray, unfortunately without the aid of a time machine.

Our Italian football correspondent Paolo Bandini actually lives in a small, college town in Missouri but that doesn't stop him from writing brilliant pieces such as this one, about how Paul Pogba (yep, that one) is taking Serie A by storm.

And Joe Cole flopped for Liverpool on Wednesday night but Samed Yesil still has time on his side, says a busy Paul Wilson.