While there are many examples in people’s private’s lives and in the world at large of anger that is openly expressed and out of control, there is another dynamic that is often overlooked and this is because it is not as easy to recognise. This is when one should get angry and express how they feel, but instead of doing this they end up denying how they feel. It then becomes hidden from them and typically ends up being repressed.A Negative Emotion Although anger is widely seen as a negative or bad emotion, this is far from the truth. In situations when anger has become extreme and out of control, then of course it would be right to label it as negative. However, anger can be expressed in different ways; in ways that don’t have to lead to violence or drama taking place. Due to there being so many examples of anger in the world that have gone to the extreme, the benefits of anger are rarely given attention.Survival At its root, anger is there to ensure one’s own survival; nothing more nothing less. It is what enables one to know when their boundaries have been crossed and that some kind of action needs to be taken. This could be a minor compromise or something far worse. Through becoming angry, one is instantly notified that something is not right. And this anger then gives them the energy and therefore the power, to stand up for themselves in an assertive manner. So if one didn’t get angry, they could end up being taken advantage of on one end of the spectrum and being killed on the other. Without anger, one is nothing more than a door mat and is completely vulnerable to anything and everything. One might survive, but it is unlikely to be a life that is worth living.Two Sides So on one side there is the individual that has anger problems and is labelled as being out of control and bad. And on the other side is the person who appears to never get angry and is therefore labelled as being good. As human beings, we are not perfect and neither are we meant to be. This means there will be times that one becomes overly angry when it was not appropriate. And there will also be times when one was not angry when they should have been. But when this has become ones identity and the way they generally behave, it is going to cause problems. And just because hiding ones anger is seen as better than constantly expressing it; it is no more functional or healthy.Internalised Anger Just because one doesn’t express their anger in an assertive way or in a way that is aggressive or violent, it doesn’t mean that it will simply disappear. It will become internalised and so instead of someone feeling a sense of power through expressing it in some way; they can end up feeling disempowered. It is often said that depression is a consequence of repressed anger. And this is partly because one will have to carry the emotional weight around with them and this is going to be a burden. One will not be speaking their truth; they will be denying what is true for them. And when one doesn’t speak up for themselves and say what they need to say, it is inevitable that they will feel a loss of energy and power. It is also possible for one to become emotionally stuck and unable to change how they feel as a result of the internalised anger that has built up. This can then cause one to feel a sense of boredom and to be emotionally disconnected.Anxiety When anger has built up on the inside, it can be normal for one to feel incredibly anxious during certain moments or as a general life experience. Anxiety creates a state of being highly alert and aware and under this is usually some kind of fear. So where as the purpose of anger is to stop someone from being violated; anxiety is generally there to warn someone of an impending attack and that their survival is under threat. This means that anger and anxiety are very similar. In a way, anxiety could be described as what appears when one feels they are under threat and it is not safe for them to stand up for themselves And anger could be described as what happens when one feels under threat and feels safe enough to stand up for themselves. Anger would then be empowering and anxiety would be disempowering in this context.A Way Of Life To feel that it is not safe to stand up for one self will be something that everyone is likely to experience at one point or another in their life. And so anxiety will be normal in this type of situation. But when one feels that it is never safe for them to stand up for themselves and be assertive, then anxiety will be a constant state of being. So the natural need that one has to look after themselves is being sabotaged through one being overly anxious. One is then not working with themselves, they are working against themselves On the surface this can seem illogical and make no sense whatsoever. And yet something will have happened in this person’s life to make them this way. The perception they have is that it is not safe to be angry.Causes This could be due to what has happened during this persons adults years and what happened to them as a child. And the primary cause is often how their caregivers responded to them when they were younger. Here, one could have been brought up by caregivers who were emotionally numb or abusive. So in the case of them being emotionally numb, they would have denied all expression of anger, simply because they were not comfortable with it themselves. If ones caregivers were abusive, one could have been verbally, emotionally or physically abused whenever they showed any anger. And so they learnt at a very early age that it was not safe or acceptable to be angry. This also means that they were learning to feel comfortable with abuse in the process. By being out of touch with their anger, they would also lose their ability to recognise when they were being compromised or violated by another. Anxiety would be what they became used to and anger would be something they came to fear.Awareness Anger is a vital part of being able to survive on this planet and in being able to thrive. It is just another emotion that every human can experience. Emotions only become problematic when they are not allowed to be expressed. For someone who feels anxious at moments when they need to stand up for themselves, there could be a lot of repressed anger that has built up over the years. And as one learnt that being angry was not acceptable, guilt may also arise when one is angry. One will need to release this anger, anxiety and guilt and the fears that are hidden below these three emotions. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer who will allow one to face their emotions and feelings and release them. As this takes place, one will gradually experience a sense of balance within. And being assertive when they need to be will naturally take place. A feeling of being empowered can then follow.

If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.

Thank you for this article. I'm dealing with a friend who has this problem. She was in an abusive marriage for 13 years, raised by an abusive aunt and has sisters who have sided with her ex and treat her like a door mat. She has no zest for life and is depressed regularly. She doesn't seem to have any alarm bells in her head that scream danger! She was under investigation by the children's aid but didn't fight when she needed too, didn't clean when she needed too and has currently lost the children to her abusive ex. I don't know how to smack sense into her. She is a really good mother. Calm, patient, loving but she lacks the attack mode that protects you and your kids from becoming whack-a-moles. I've seen her tear up twice in 2 years. I've never seen her mad. And she should be mad...very very mad. She has logic and it works well, so as a friend I am trying to speak to her sense of logic to help her tackle the mounting problems in her life, but I am a mom of 3 and my time is limited, I cannot make a full time job of being an alarm bell for someone. I see that she has those feelings inside her somewhere because she comes to me to talk when she's upset, it doesn't show well but I've learned to recognize it in her over the last couple of years. There is hope, her anger is in there somewhere, but I don't know what to do. Without her fight skills the gov won't release the kids back to her. I've told her to get a lawyer, and to tell these things to her GP and seek therapy but those things all take time. The Children's aid doesn't realize the damage that can be done by her children being exposed to the ex and her family but I realize it's also not good for them to have a mama who can't fight. I'm in a #facepalm because all this is happening because someone hasn't taken a baseball bat to her ex's car! Its a bloody train wreck! If you have any advice for how I might be able to help her wake up it'd be appreciated. Her kids are great and I'm worried about them, terrified actually. Thanks for listening Vee~

im not sure if you could, but my suggestion would be to work with a therapist.

All the best,

Oliver

Harley russell

16/2/2015 10:22:56 pm

This was so awesome... Now I've figured out the source of all my problems I'm to nice my friend just told me that on my birthday he said I need to get angry at people im a door mat everyone walks on... My dad has mental problems and is a really bad diabetic and he can be very mean at times his anger has made a lot of problems for me as he is a very controlling concerned person so he usually embarrasses me by making scenes in stores when he doesnt get his way and getting mad at my friends and having me call him and tell him where and who i was with i did not have any privacy outside of the house because he would always get so mad and scream at you for not telling him your buisness and Ive always had to take care of him I have 2 older siblings and one younger one but he has pushed all them so far way with his anger but I just couldn't see leaving him with nothing... I wish I could go back and tell myself to stay with my mother but ive dug a hole and i just have to fill myself back to the top lately I can feel myself begging to turn 18 trying to make it through days my depression got so bad at one point I thought I was going to kill myself... But I know everything will be better when I move on with my own life and friends.. He has lost both his legs so I've dealt with his sicknesses and verbal abuse for 8 years Im not trying to make my life sound horrible because I've gone down that road and I'm way past that i dont feel sorry for myself i just feel so sickened that i let someone control my social life so bad that i have no one... I have two friends they mean the world and more to me.. They have been there for me since the beginning at my worst and best times no matter how embarassing i am they always seem to stick with me... And i honestly dont think i could ask for any more of a better family then them... Now ive had some life changing experiences that have made me see my mental problems and what they have done to me as a person and as a friend but now I have dedicated myself to my future slowly fixing my self I'm going to get a therapist after I buy a car.. the real world has hit me hard now I'm 17 and have a job making good money and I can see improvements small ones but its progress..I I don't bite on my fingers anymore and I'm working on my social skills I still have anxiety attacks at times though... But now I think all I have is built up emotions that I need to let out I'm trying to find my inner self and be who I want I know what I want in my life and not a lot of people can say that... But yes this was very useful

P.S. if the person reading this has the same problems as I have had then please take this advice and listen don't let ANYBODY tell you what you can and can't do it will come back to haunt you in your teenage years... I'm 17 only really have two friends and I'm unliked by just about everyone else I was bullied very badly as well from 5th to 8th grade I got expelled for hhaving marijuana and when I came back I think they were scared of me or something.... But I've learned I've realized and now its too late... But don't let someone make you feel this way its the worse feeling in life I'm miserable and I can't fix it its far to late but everyday I can fix myself and that is what I am doing please listen to me and this information this is not a joke parents don't realize how far there words sink in sometimes.....

thanks for getting in touch. I'm pleased this article has assisted you.

You have been through a lot. However, you have stayed strong and now you are moving forward.

Keep it up!

Oliver

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Matthew Zayeneh

21/3/2016 02:37:20 pm

I've been having this problem due to family and foolish older people. Are there ways I can get my anger back? It would mean a lot

Cindy

16/11/2015 03:23:44 am

This has actually made me understood a lot about myself. When I was younger I actually used to have anger issues, but hated hurting people, so over time I just either internalized it or repressed it. Now, I'm a thirteen year old freshman who basically lets anyone walk on me. I hate how it feels, but I can never get the courage to say no or take action. I thought it was just how I was, until I found out my friend was being abused, and where I thought I should feel angry, I felt numb, sad, and at a loss of what to do about it. I know I should change this, but I don't know how

After reading your comment, I thought you were a lot older. You certainly have more awareness than I did at that age.

You are aware of what is taking place, and that is great. My suggestion would be for you to find a therapist or a counselor to talk to.

If you need any more assistance, feel free to use the contact form.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply

Lamia Siddiqui

31/8/2017 12:02:27 am

I have the EXACT same problem

Reply

SJW

14/2/2016 07:56:56 pm

Hello Oliver

Your post was just what I was looking for. I am unable to become angry and have often wondered why. It is becoming a problem for me at work as I am feeling like a doormat and am in a state of anxiety the majority of the time as I feel unable to speak up for myself.

I have so much to be angry about; a lonely childhood spent in an austere British boarding school with no friends. Constant moving around the Country with my father's work and never setting down roots; consequently there has never been a sense of "home" for me or proper friendships until I was an adult.

My mother was a typical British upper class lady in the 1970's, treated like a servant by my father and kept my brother and I quiet until we were brought out to be paraded around then put away again

When I was at boarding school, 13/14 years of age there was a spate of theft in one of the dormitory, money was missing and other small items.
Another student reported to a teacher she had seen me in peoples' drawers taking things. The teachers wouldn't listen to me, no one would. I was branded a thief and made to live with the school nurse in her apartment. I had my studies with the other girls but ate alone. I was bullied by the other girls, they used to throw shoes at me, make personal remarks and no one would ever study with me or do sport. It was a horrible time. 3 months I endured it until the girl who had reported me was caught stealing and with the items missing in her possession. She was expelled and I was moved back to the dormitories again. The school never apologized to me. I couldn't relate to the other students after that and didn't trust anyone which is something I continue to struggle with 30 years later.
I think I have put up with what ever comes my way and internalized it since then.

thank you for reading my reply!

I have gone from one abusive relationship to another and lived in fear and tried, as you said, to be "good" and invisible. I suffer from social anxiety and low self esteem; I struggle when there are many people and excessive noise.
I have wished to speak up for myself but my thoughts tell me I am not worth it, no one will believe me, so why bother.
I am a sitting target to being taken advantage of as people know I dissolve into tears if they say boo to me.

My suggestion would be for you to work with a therapist and/or a support group.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply

anon

18/5/2016 11:32:44 am

This is like me and it provides a suggestion as to why I feel so bored and disconnected all the time - this is my main problem. It's not a severe depression it's more of a nagging emptiness and I feel distanced from everything.

More recently I have noticed that there is anger underneath. Sometimes when I write my thoughts down I notice they have an angry tone when I read them back; and other times especially in recent years, I've noticed that I do or say things that are more reckless than I usually would and that if I look behind that I see anger too. For instance, I went through a phase of wanting to go a 'pick up men' a lot - I liked the idea of using a parade of men for sex. When I got curious about why I was obsessed with that it seemed like it was about power - I liked the idea of overpowering men. A friend of mine listened to me one day as we talked about men and said that to hear me speak it was like my mission in life was to emasculate people, to take away any power they have. I particularly have these thoughts about social climbers. I'm a fairly attractive woman and I get a lot of attention and I know sometimes I use that to 'stand up' to men who take the 'leader' role in groups. I like it that they want me but they can't have me, because I'm in charge.

I don't really act like that most of the time, it's more of a psychological thing that I keep inside of me. But it does all seem to do with not letting anyone take any power away from me. I feel that if I was to give anyone anything of myself they would crush it.

Like others who have commented, I was outcast at school but I personally got through it by seeing myself as above the others. This was when I was a child, I'm not quite so arrogant anymore! I had the idea at school - and I guess this is true among kids - that were I to appear like I cared whether other people wanted me around, that would just double down the humiliation. It's ok to be rejected so long as it doesn't hurt you. So I just wasn't hurt by it. I didn't pretend not to be hurt, I really didn't care. But the only way I could do that was by devaluing everyone around me as people I wouldn't want to know anyway.

At home, if we showed emotion we would be laughed at and humiliated.

I think those two experiences together have probably stopped me from showing emotion because I fear that I will be trampled on if I do - things will get a lot worse for me, I always think, if I give anything away.

But I've swapped all of that out for emptiness.

I'm not totally sure how to reverse this - or whether I really want to. I think I would like to enjoy life, though.

If you do want to change what is taking place, my suggestion would be for you to work with a therapist.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply

Josh

12/7/2016 06:18:21 pm

Hi Oliver, I Googled "why don't I get angry" in an effort to find some content that will clarify my situation as I find it difficult to understand myself. Your article did exactly that, so many times I felt a sense of relativity so thank you for being so insightful. As a teen, I had pretty big anger issues. Fighting, arguing, playing up at school and had to attend regular counciling sessions for a couple of years. I'm not sure what happened over the past four or so years but I now find there is an absence of genuine anger/energy when I need it. Im glad i do not get unneccesarily angry anymore but when the line is being crossed and I need to assert myself - I no longer get the energy/buzz i need to confront the situation effectively. I actually sometimes get anxious out of fear it's 'unsafe' to do so which is making me feel rather pathetic and as you put it "like a door matt". I smoked weed for three years consecutively during college and I think it may have contributed to my inability to get angry/energetic (paranoia perhaps). Whatever it is, I need help restoring my natural ability to feel anger again... do you have any suggestions?

my advice would be for you to work with a therapist that understands what you are going through.

All the best,

Oliver

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Mizue

31/8/2016 12:53:22 pm

Thank you this helped me a lot Sometimes I feel things i should get angry but I just don't feel angry What to do if the person who always makes you hide your feelings and emotion and the person is your mom and when she gets really angry she can't calm down 5 hours ago she hit my MacBook and broke it, she also hit my legs and my arms and now it's purple I am not sure if I should say all this but I don't feel angry or emotional at all except the first part when she was hitting my computer and I cryed a little

I have struggled to express anger for years... As a result i have experienced a lot of depression and anxiety. I can relate to this piece. I've tried many ways to deal... My next move is to enter the boxing ring with no boxing experience... This is a huge! challenge... which will force me to overcome anxiety and get angry. A lot can happen in 6 minutes... I will experience physical and mental pain during the conflict.. But i hope for less mental pain in life as a result. I can give myself a pat on the back for finding the courage to fight back. I will try my best to win... But my main goal is to participate.
Thanks :)

Hello. I am interested in this sentence "It is also possible for one to become emotionally stuck and unable to change how they feel as a result of the internalised anger that has built up. This can then cause one to feel a sense of boredom and to be emotionally disconnected." because it's really a good description of myself right now, and I can't find any good research about this behaviour. Can you recommend me some of them? Thanks.

my suggestion would be for you to look through the articles I have written, as you may find what you are looking for. Alternatively, you could purchase one of the books that I have created.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply

Mina

13/10/2016 04:50:44 pm

I have completely detached myself from anger for years. When I was going through puberty I had serious anger management issues and would act out primarily on my little sister, uncontrollably, to the point my parents would not leave us alone in the house together. Since then I have compartmentalized and completely detached from any emotion approaching anger. Even in situations where I should be furious I am either apathetic or I cry. I don't know how to fix myself, but I couldn't handle the overbearing urge to always hurt my sister when I was angry. I am broken now but we have a good relationship and it is water under the bridge. I don't want to return to the uncontrollable anger I had before, but I want my emotions. I want to be able to feel anger again. I don't know how to fix myself.

A prompt reply! I am seeing a therapist currently for other reasons, I will bring this up during my next appointment. Thanks for this article and all the best to you as well.

Daniel

27/10/2016 11:25:37 pm

Hey Oliver, hope you're well. I've just seen this article after looking for any reasons why I can't get angry and often feel inferior to someone if debating or arguing or discussing something (even physically like I'm a foot tall, even though I'm 6 feet 3). Hopefully this might be the 1st step to talking with someone about this in more detail..just find it hard and embarrassing to open up. Thank you for the article it was so interesting and true.

I understand what you mean; it can be as if part of us is retracting or regressing.

Keep up the good work.

Oliver

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Maaela

2/12/2016 10:51:00 pm

This I think helped. I so rarely get angry. Do I get frustrated? Yeah I do. I usually just have a mental breakdown and cry though.When my cousin hit my car, she was freaking out and crying. I on the other hand just felt calm and cool. All I really feel was bitter. After she hit my car her dad took care of everything and she went bowling. I missed a movie I had been anticipating seeing with a cousin that was the only one available. I was visiting from two states over. The more I type the more I realize that "bitterness" is warping a bit to anger. But not to the point where I want to make a bit deal about it. I just got into an argument with my mother about insurance stuff. I eventually yelling and through my phone softly. Even when I get angry even when I have very little control I still havea little. My mother is ovoverbearing at times. Its like she's the only one allowed to have temper tantrums. She has had them too. Throwing stuff, yelling, saying I don't lover her and being depressed. However the second my voice changes to anger and I start getting irritated. She shuts me down. "I'm tired of this so we are going to stop talking about it" everytime its like stopping a wave or a tsunami of anger in my chest and then outwardly calming down and acting like everything is fine. I internalize the crap out of my anger. So when I do get a angry I think I feel it way more acutely than others do. The aftermath ID just me wallowing in self pity and I'm always the one to break first and apologize. My mother in fact can hold a grudge for a very long time. She held one against my uncle for 3 Years. Last time I yelled at her on the phone it was maybe 2 months before she spoke to me again. Every call I made to her to apologize for yelling was met with bitter resistance. Remember when I said I get so frustrated that I cry? Well it only happens every few months. The rest of the. Time I don't feel things very intensely. I'm anxious and laid back for most of the year. Well that's it I just needed to find some where to vent to. I don't feel like crying much anymore either.

Aquagirl

23/1/2017 10:32:18 pm

I dont get angry over a lot of things and I am easily taken for granted by the people I've dated. Although I noticed that for me it just piles up until I'm exhausted and can't do it anymore. In most cases I won't even say it, I will just disappear. I don't like to complain and get upset... It's a lot of emotional work for me, consumes energy and not beneficial. I just keep passively talking about it when I can which I know doesn't help cos they never take me seriously cos I could also be smiling. I love it , I'm just worried that I take drastic decisions eventually when I'm exhausted.

While growing up, it was not allowed for us children to give their opinion or answer back to grown ups..so freedom of expression was not really there.

I don't really know how to get angry, i feel that if i do it..people wont like me or leave me. I don't know how to express anger.

If people do something wrong, if they say sorry immediately I forgive them. I get angry but i don't tell them or show them?

I really hate this feeling but i dont know where to start..how do i do it? I just feel tghat if I get angry..would it change a thing?

Really confused..pls help

Reply

Oliver JR Cooper

15/8/2017 07:32:42 am

Hello Monski,

so based on what happened to you when you were younger, what you are going through is normal.

My suggestion would be for you to reach out for external support. Through working with a therapist or a healer it will give you the chance to change your life.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply

Jamie

15/8/2017 06:54:10 pm

This article has helped me understand why I can't get angry, i was an angry child and thought that I had simply no more anger left. I can't be assertive when I need to, Can't get angry anymore and I feel anxious when folk suggest going to large social gatherings so I avoid them and it feels like I made the right choice for my own safety when I reject the notion of socialising outwith very small corcles.