to get ready for our homestudy. Spent the day unpacking some stuff that should have been unpacked a long time ago. Have to have all of this stuff unpacked and broken down by tomorrow so that it can go out with the trash on Wednesday night. We wouldn’t want the cw to see that we had done all of this just for the visit right?

Doing one load of clothes for the second time because the nice new white kitchen towels with the red stripe bled all over the rest of the white kitchen towels. Now I’m hoping that re-washing them with a super scoop of o*x*y*c*l*e*a*n will return every thing to it’s original color or at least make it less pink (gawd I hate pink!)

Gonna veg out with some video games before trying to turn in before 5 a.m. tonight!

Today I spent the day reorganizing our bedroom closet and purging bags of old files and photocopies out of my home office. Tomorrow? Finish the office, do the laundry, and start on reorganizing the family room! Thursday is getting closer and closer!

While I was planning on taking all of next week to give the house the white glove treatment and do child proofing, I got a call last night that scheduled a home visit for next Thursday night! I guess that means I better kick my ass into gear!

Two and I are still around. Since I last posted we have gone through foster/adoption training and CPR/1st Aid training, so now we are waiting on our homestudy. Luckily I know that it will be a few weeks before they set it up because the 2 of us are fighting a super flu right now and our kitchen and game room are both a wreck! The rest of the house is spotless. I am hoping to take Spring Break to get the house in order and start doing some child proofing.

I still very much want to have a bio child, but we decided that we can do both at the same time if need be. We always knew that we wanted bio and adopted children, we’re just doing it out of order 🙂

Today is my birthday. Another birthday without a baby and without being pregnant. Whoopdee fucking doo!

On the adoption front we have been talking with DFC about starting the training that is required by our state. We would have to go out of the county to do an adoption because they only do special needs adoptions in our county and we really want an infant. As for the mom-to-be that we talked about last time…she found out that at least one of the babies is a girl and even though she knows that she can’t care for the children that she already has, that the father doesn’t want the children, and that the children would be better off elsewhere, she wants to keep them.

Call it bitterness, but how can anyone be so selfish? I know that I can’t begrudge a mother her own biological children but IF makes me think like that. Oh well, I’ll get over it, right?

Today Two and I ran into a friend that we haven’t seen in almost a year. We’ve been kind of reclusive since we started TTC. Our whole lives have revolved around it and we weren’t really wanting to share with folks who hadn’t also struggled. Well tonight we were talking to our friend who told us that she had just adopted twin toddlers and that she has a family member who is pregnant with twins (due this summer) who wants to put the children up for adoption. She wants to know if we would like to meet the pregnant mom.

Twins! We hadn’t thought about adopting twins. We never thought it could even be this soon. I know that there are no guarantees, but this is definitely something to mull over. Thoughts?

In a kind of weird holding pattern. I broke down and ordered materials from a private adoption agency just so that I can look at our options. Ok, I admit I was giving up. Two says that adoption is great and that we should adopt, but that she doesn’t want me to quit just yet. It hasn’t even been a year yet. We did agree that we wouldn’t worry until we had hit the one year mark and we are still 3 or so months away from that. It’s just that I am getting older and am not quite sure how to proceed. I don’t do failure well. We saw a therapist at the beginning of our journey and she warned us that people who fall in my demographic (professionally and educationally) really don’t deal too well with infertility because we are used to succeeding. I dismissed her as being a nutcase…until now. Maybe she was right. I really haven’t ever failed at much and have gotten just about everything that I have worked for. This is a new thing for me. Not only am I not successful, but I am beginning to really hate those who are. I need to just move past this and move on, either to more attempts or adoption.

I think that I have finally come to that point in my struggle with infertility and TCC that I would never come to.

Last week yet another friend had a baby. Yes, that is 3 births for people close to me since Two and I started TTC. I realized today as I tried to dodge the phone that Two was trying to hand me to say congrats that I hate this woman. I hate her for being my age and getting knocked up by mistake during a glorified one night stand. I hate her for never wanting children, but not having the guts to abort when she found out that she was pregnant, and I hate her for saying to me today that she has never been the “maternal type”. The worst part of all? Coming to the realization that I hate myself, not for hating her, but for not being able to have my own child.

I went in for surgery on Thursday and I was terrified. This of course drove my BP up. The anesthesiologist came in an refused to do the surgery. The nurses were shocked. They said that it happens all of the time, but that he was being cautious and that was a good thing. I think that it was a bunch of bullshit.

Dr. McDreamy came out and talked to us (he was very sweet) and told me to call my regular doctor on the drive back to Smalltown and have my BP checked again. On the drive home Two admitted that she was scared. She was afraid of what this process was doing to me and my health. She threw out the A word. Two and I have always had the intention of adopting, but only after we had one or two bio children. It shook me, but not in a bad way. I am at a point now that I don’t care if our children are biological ours (either of ours). I am also one competitive bitch so I want to continue to try so the IF doesn’t beat me. (BTW my BP was just about normal by the time I saw Smalltown GP the next day. It was a little high but I do have a history of HBP.)

I figure that we can look into starting the adoption process while we wait to reschedule the laparoscopy (at least 2-3 months because I have to travel a lot for work over the next couple of months). We can decide at last when we are going to say when.

We had a consult with Dr. McDreamy earlier this week and he has a new suggestion. He thinks that I should be pregnant by now. While the HSG we took last year was good he wants to do a laproscopy to look for endometriosis. While the thought of a laproscopy doesn’t necessarily appeal to me, if there is something in there that is keeping me from getting pregnant it could also (likely) effect the IVF. So…it doesn’t make sense to do the IVF until we are sure and then not straight to IVF. McDreamy says that if we find something and then treat it he’d like to go back to the medicated IUIs for a few cycles. So, I suppose in a way this is good news, right?