Friday, July 18, 2014

THE PEOPLE YOU MEET WHILE YOU'RE WALKING DOWN THE STREET

I was walking down the street one day when I encountered somebody I knew, but I kept forgetting what his name was.
WHAT'SHISFACE: Hello Mr. Hitchcock.
ME: Hello again.
WHAT'SHISFACE: It's a bad day for a Wealthy Well to do Family from Wellington.
ME: How is that so?
WHAT'SHISFACE: This Wealthy Well to do Family from Wellington has two sons, two daughters and an older aged Born Out of Wedlock Son. The Born Out of Wedlock Son is from the Father's extra-marital fling with an Unknown Lady in the late 1960's. As you can imagine, born out of wedlock children are considered filth and disgusting no matter how well behaved, well mannered and blending in with high society they happen to be. So this Born Out of Wedlock Son is hated by this Lawfully Wedded Wife of the No Good Rotten Cheating Sonofabitch. The Lawfully Wedded Wife decreed that Born Out of Wedlock Son is not allowed into the family mansion. Not allowed a place at the family table. Not allowed contact with anybody else in the family. So Born Out of Wedlock Son joined a Top Secret Band of Mercenaries. Born Out of Wedlock Son did very well and took only three years to become Colonel of the Top Secret Band of Mercenaries and won a really huge battle.
ME: That's great. I'm happy for Born Out of Wedlock Son.
WHAT'SHISFACE: It's not as happy as you think. Keep in mind that children born out of wedlock is looked down upon as lower than scum even if they are well behaved and socially appropriate. And the lower ranking officers of this Top Secret Band of Mercenaries hated taking orders from somebody who was born out of wedlock. So they revolted. Born Out of Wedlock Son executed a few of those lower ranking officers for not taking orders. So Born Out of Wedlock Son was beaten up and killed by his own armed forces right there on the battlefield. They didn't even bother to have him arrested. They just beat him up and killed him on the spot.
ME: That's horrible.
WHAT'SHISFACE: It gets worse.
ME: How could it get worse.
WHAT'SHISFACE: The Oldest Born Legitimate Born Son was sent to death row for beating up, shooting and nearly drowning his wife three hours after marrying her simply because she won't let him have sex with his mistress during the honeymoon. Oldest Born Legitimate Born Son was never removed from either the mansion nor the family table because he was of legitimate birth. Legitimate Born Son won't be able to make use of either the mansion nor his seat at the family table because of the whole death row inmate bit, but hey nobody's perfect.
ME: I could see how that could get worse.
CRAZY WOMAN (Standing next to me): What the fuck is your goddamn problem?
CRAZIER THAN SHIT WOMAN: (Standing next to me): You accuse my birth father of being an Al Qaeda Terrorist, send him to prison and then arrange for him to be killed. You send my birth mother into a lunatic asylum twice. So I got revenge by killing your spouse, killing all of your legitimate born children, spared your illegitimate born children because illegitimate born children are lower than sewage and not worth the bother to be killed. The final piece of my needlessly convoluted revenge plan that should've been easy to escape from had you bankrupted all the way down to homeless vagrancy before having you crippled from the neck down with third degree burns. It serves you right for what you did to my parents.
CREEP WHO FATHERED THE CRAZIER THAN SHIT WOMAN: (Standing next to me): Guess what daughter? I'm alive. Not only did I escape from prison which is a felony, but I hid from the police in an Al Qaeda Terrorist Training Camp learning how to hate the United States of America. Oh yeah, your Crazier Than Shit Mother needs to be in a lunatic asylum for the rest of her natural life because she keeps having weird paranoid delusions and unnecessary unprovoked psychotic outbursts against innocent people for no reasons whatsoever.
CRAZIER THAN SHIT WOMAN (Standing next to me): Holy shit, you're supposed to be dead.
CREEP WHO FATHERED THE CRAZIER THAN SHIT WOMAN (Standing next to me): Guess what pumpkin? I've been alive the whole entire time.
CRAZY WOMAN (Standing next to me): You were trying to say something to me?
CRAZIER THAN SHIT WOMAN (Standing next to me): A funny thing just happened. It turns out that you were right about everything the whole entire time. Sorry about that.
CRAZY WOMAN (Standing next to me): Somebody please beat the shit out of these two jerks over there. I'm sick and tired of looking at them.
CRAZIER THAN SHIT WOMAN (Standing next to me): I think we better make a run for it.
CREEP WHO FATHERED THE CRAZIER THAN SHIT WOMAN (Standing next to me): That would be a good idea pumpkin.
CRAZIER THAN SHIT WOMAN and the CREEP WHO FATHERED THE CRAZIER THAN SHIT WOMAN proceed to run for their lives away from the wheel chair bound CRAZY WOMAN.
And as I continue to walk down the street, here are some photos of Kaley Cuoco.