Leaving my seat from the last award, I rush behind the stage to be told, “Your presentation starts in thirty seconds.”

“Ok.”

I pace behind the curtains, practicing my opening line. As I peek through the fabric, I see fourteen nominees shuffling into place at their seats; there are Yoshis, Boos, Dragons, Gorillas, Pokémon, humans and more.

Then I hear Freakworld call out, “so yeah that’s it. pretty good job tbh. tpg’s up next with S3: favourite core staff”The curtains rise and there I am, ready to present the next award. I deliver my opening line with precision, perfection and power;

“Hi.”

I fumble for the scrap of paper in my pockets as the entire audience share confused looks. I consult my notes, which happened to only contain that one word. dang; improvisation time. “Today we’re here for a multitude of reasons. Whether it’s to announce the world’s favourite game or the worst quest we’ve ever played, our theme is celebration. And now we celebrate the core people that work days on end to deliver our high quality paper every month for what, nearly 10 years? That’s-“

“tell us the results already i need a trifecta”

“Alright. So without further stalling, here are the results. In third place, gaining 5 votes… each, are Stooben Rooben, Super Mario Bros. and Crocodile Dippy!”

The three are showered in applause as I present them a large bronze trophy. I quickly scurry back to the spotlight once I realise that there’s one trophy and three of them. Once the bickering starts up over who keeps the trophy, I assume someone will settle them down.

I continue regardless, “In second place, with one vote more than the previous three, is the Koopa we’ve known for eight years… Tucayo!”

Cheers erupt as I produce a silver trophy from my storage that may or may not literally exist, and the blue shelled statistics manager waves as he shuffles up to collect the prize.

“Now, in first place, is a guy we all know and love. He can be known as a Pokémon, and is a hardworking yet fun individual. But we all know him as… Mr-“

“NOT PACKY????”

A massive tear in space… tears as everyone’s favourite dragon/water type burst through into the hall. Then an even bigger tear forms so the massive creature can fit through! Ah yes, the fifteenth candidate. Packy.

“Well, I’m outta here- every user for themselves!” I hear multiple users say before they hightail it ‘outta here’. Personally, I just drop the golden trophy and results card and roll into a corner to wait the commotion out.

While everyone tries their best against the Gen 4 legendary, Funky can’t suck in something that big, and MCD’s fire isn’t that effective against Packy, and even with our director, Pi, swooping in to peck at the gigantic space lord, it seems like nothing will stop him from charging directly to the dropped trophy.I think “dang” doesn’t do this situation justice.

About twelve and a quarter seconds later, just as I convince myself to nab the trophy and hide in a smaller space than him, I hear a yell. Something to do with nice rabbits? Mice tragics? Oh, Ice Magic. Guess that’ll be in the quotes.

“ICE MAGIC!” yelled the voice. A white glow erupted from behind the train-like Packy, stopping him in his tracks (get it? Trains and tracks?). Suddenly, the very much stoppable beast becomes encased in an ice like cube, glistening in the spotlights. To be honest, this is all too much for me in one night, so I peacefully retreat into the darkness and gently leave the golden trophy on the floorboards.The owner of the voice walks on stage to continue the presentation. Taking a quick look at the results card, he grins and says, “Huh. Guess it’s me.” Taking the gleaming prize, Mr. Edo strides off into the distance.

Hello everyone, it's Andymee. It's Awards Presentation time, meaning it's time to needlessly drag on topics that could easily been summarized in just a few sentences, sharing my glorious opinion. Some may call be an idiot, but I just call myself politically incorrect.

Before I get started, I must make something clear: I am a person of faith. I worship every day and live every moment as a servant dedicated to good. I hope to create world peace, and as such plan to one day ascend to the kingdom of heaven and become God's intern.

As God's intern-in-training, it is critical to wield tremendous power. Poochy isn't going to going to choose a boring, conformist follower to be his assistant, nah. No one challenges the word of God, so as an intern-in-training, I live by the rule that no one should challenge mine, either.

Unfortunately, the world seems to be filled with poor individuals who somehow believe that me God's assistant, respecting me – and consequently, causing global unity – are inherently offensive ideas. They instead put all the stress on poor Poochy Himself, an overworked Deity whose only wish would be for us to stop praying about our first world problems so he could focus on actual global issues. Imagine that! Put simply, everyone in my way is a person against world peace. From this, I conclude that the people against me are a bunch of conspiring Pak E. Derm worshippers.

Credit goes to Puddin

So imagine how I felt when Andymii, my doppelgänger, literally forced God's soon-to-be assistant to write this section all by himself so he could indulge himself in a week-long vacation. Blasphemy, I say!

To be honest though, considering that the 'Shroom has Poochy as their mascot, I'm willing lend a helping hand. But considering that I'm not listed here, don't expect it to be too interesting.

Third Place: TUCAYO (12.77% of the vote)

I gotta admit, I have to respect Tucky's rebellious nature. As the spearhead of a successful Poll Committee campaign that dared to directly compete with God's soon-to-be intern Himself, you would think that Tucky would basically be Pak E. Derm in the flesh, with no merit.

But believe it or not, Mr. Henry Tucayo Clay is actually a highly respectable individual. His main contribution to the human race this year is his section ''The 'Shroom Report.'' It's a masterfully crafted piece of propaganda and is directly responsible for making sure the writers don't run away. Let me elaborate:

Tucayo breaks ''The 'Shroom Report'' into four sections:

First Time Writers – to seduce the fresh new recruits into a long, healthy relationship

Milestones – to rouse up writers from their slumbers and see the light ahead

Most Sections Written – to stress that no matter what your teacher says, quantity will always be over quality

'Shroom Trivia – a way to stay hip and cool

Tucky used to be the Director of the 'Shroom in the ancient days; he was also the the long-time director and writer for Fun Stuff, meaning as an ancestor of mine, I am obligated to show respect. He also recently started to write Take Cover!, a Palette Swap section dedicated to showing off recent developments in the art of plagiarism. Tucayo and holds the coveted title of most 'Shroom sections written, meaning, quite literally, that he has given the greatest contribution to the paper. Meaning, of course, the Poochy faith will continue to thrive. Thank you for your service.

Second Place: STOOBEN (12.77% of the vote)

Coming in second, also with 12.77% of the vote, is the strange Stooben Rooben, a writer shadowed in so much mystery that it surely contributed to his success. What we do know it that he used to be the former Strategy Wing Director before he was "replaced" by none other than Meta Knight, a character that is literally mysterious for a living. Scary.

But the conspiracy goes deeper. You see, while you and I may believe the current 'Shroom Director is the great RandomYoshi, Userpedia tells a different story.

Could it be true that SMB and Pi have been puppets all along? Heck, has everyone in the 'Shroom been a puppet of this shadow leader? Andymii has some serious explaining to do.

The world may never know the truth, but if Stooben truly is the shadow leader I think he is, he is at least a very competent one. Not only was he the inaugural leader of the 'Shroom's new branch, Strategy Wing, but he also wrote for From the Mushroom Vaults, a section of Mario secrets only someone as mysterious as Stooben would know. He also gave recommendations/condemnations of television shows in Critic Corner's The Stoob Tube; meanwhile, he lent his benevolent hand to Palette Swap, where he wrote about the recent developments in the art of plagiarism – similar to Tucky, but now in the madness that 8-bit music.

While someone as powerful as Stooben may pose as a threat to the great Poochy, I rest assured knowing that Stooben's kind and diligent nature will instead only create a lasting bond. But he better not take my spot.

First Place: TOADBERT101 (19.15% of the vote)

The undisputed #1 winner, with 19.15% of the vote, is Toadbert101, and it's not hard to see why. He's humble - unlike Tucky and Stooben, Toadbert has had no directing history. He's never lead the 'Shroom; he's never lead a section; in fact, he's written one section and one section only: Fake Ads.

These little monthly nuggets of randomness have been manufactured since 2008, providing an interesting strategy for new writers trying to break into the Fake News market. I will summarize this with my very own Fake Ad.

"Wait," I hear you crying, "you're saying that all we have to do is write as meme-ish as possible?"

Yes, but you also have to do it correctly and well. This is where the genius of the section comes in. Toadbert merges the line between fanboy-pleasers and in-jokes, pioneering the industry of well-crafted unpredictability. The world needs such humble leaders. That's why Toadbert101 is the 'Shroom's Favorite Veteran Writer for the 2016 year. God bless.

* * *

And there you have it! Our unnecessarily wordy list on who is the biggest hero. If I were a writer, I'd easily be the best, but eh. At least they're all better than Andymii, who didn't even make the list.

Needless to say, these individuals have all brought vast change to the 'Shroom, an online paper that is completely volunteer-driven. What a beautiful show of selflessness and courage. I'll make you all saints when I become Poochy's second-in-command.

And now, the reveal that all of you ten people who are still paying attention have been waiting for! Who wins the honor of having their portrait added to the employee of the year gallery wall next to the bathroom?

Yoshi876 is the current team director of the Pipe Plaza, and writer of several sections.

He is also known as the man who built his tremendous success on a mountain of corpses. One of the sections he writes is the Fake News Obituaries, in which he has so far killed 40 beloved characters from the Mario franchise. As a result, his days and nights are filled with the blood-curling wails of vengeful specters spectres. A lesser man would have been driven insane by now.

Yet Yoshi876 continues on, unflinchingly, writing new columns and directing his team every month. He has come this far without completely snapping and running down the street with no clothes on. For a member of the 'Shroom core staff, that is a serious accomplishment.

Also, Pipe Plaza in third place!! We are aiming people, we will take Critic Corner by storm next year. Also, I will vote for myself next year and give me those extra votes to get into the top 3 of stuff.

And Pi has my personality down to a tee, scarily down to a tee. Have you set up cameras around my house?