Life sucks and nothing good can come of it.

This time of year, Oct - April can be difficult with my depression. The hardest part of this time is December and January. This December has been one of the worst I can remember. I don't know why that is...could be any number of reasons. Maybe the higher dose of my Cymbalta, maybe dealing with a job search, getting more used to my new non-Target life, two good friends of mine have had cats die, a married couple I know who had a close family member die, being away from TBR, my cousin's husband has been diagnosed with dementia (we email a lot, but not too much right now), missing Papa Kitty (again), dealing with all the stuff that comes with the Christmas season, dealing with my "regular" daily issues and of course the depression is in there somewhere. So, don't know which of these things in this month has been the biggest trigger to how I'm feeling.

When I saw my PCP on Thursday things should have gone well. Two weeks ago I saw my PCP and we set a mid-point extra appointment. When I saw her in early Dec. I wasn't sure that I could make it through to Jan. 3 without seeing or calling her. She the one who suggested that we actually set the extra appointment and if I didn't need to see her I could just cancel. Well, most everything I listed above happened between the two appointments so I really needed to see her. Between the appointments when I would have a bad time of things, I'd just remind myself that I'd be able to see my PCP on Dec. 20 and I could tell her what I felt I needed to and I'd be just fine. I guess that I was with her for 15 minutes when her assistant reminded her that she had a meeting to go to. So, for the first time since I've been seeing her, she had something else to go to. I didn't get a chance to tell her a lot of things and I was concerned about making her late.

Anyway, I started to think about how long it was going to be until my next appointment on Jan. 3. Only two weeks away...however, Christmas and New Year's are in between these two weeks. I got upset about this and started to cry. When the assistant to the doctor came by a second time to see if I was OK I decided that it was probably a good idea to leave. I was about four feet from the door to exit the general exam area I knew that I couldn't leave (a couple of thoughts were in my mind) and I had to stop crying before I could leave. I don't know how long I stood there (continually crying). Several people left the office for the day and two sets of patients came in and I was still there crying. Finally, the assistant to the doctor came to me and asked if I wanted to go back to a room and I said yes. Don't know how long I was there...maybe five minutes or so. Then the door opens and my PCP comes in. She was asking me a whole bunch of questions to find out what was wrong. Most questions I answered only with a "no." She wanted to know if there was something that she said that upset me...she asked if I wanted her to call my psychiatrist...did I want her to call my Dad to come get me...lots of questions. I couldn't say much because I was crying but finally I told her "I can't do this by myself anymore."
I said that I'm tired of not feeling well. Finally she asked if the problem was not having enough support right now. That was the right question.....she then told me that next week that she'll be in after Christmas on Thursday and Friday and we can talk then...if I need to. Anyway, she said that I could have a little more time and then her assistant would walk me out......it was then that I learned that she had to get back to her conference call. I had disturbed her from her meeting and I felt terrible for that.

Just a few minutes after she left, she returned (I'm assuming that her call was done.) Before she started to walk me out I told her that I felt safe with her. She said she understood that. Anyway, we walked to the door and just the idea of leaving and being on my own was enough to bring tears to my eyes. She told me that I'd be OK and that she'd be in next week and I can call her then. It was still scary for me to leave, but knowing that she'll be there really helps. It was still difficult for me, but I finally left.

This was probably the most unusual appointment I've ever had.....and I probably cried enough to fill a gallon bucket. I know why I was so scared of leaving the office, but I didn't realize how terrifying the idea was for me to be on my own until my Jan. 3 appointment. I can only remember being this upset one other time. When my PCP came in (from the conference call I'd interrupted) and I finally was able to tell her that "I can't do this by myself anymore" it was almost as though I was finally admitting something so deep inside me that my words came out with such force.....and for just one quick moment I felt totally and completely at the mercy of the world.....and I was glad that it was my PCP that was the person that was there to hear what I had to say.

It's been a couple of days since my appointment and I'm still trying to think things through. I'm sorry that this is such a long post. I haven't told anyone else about what happened. This whole experience does not reflect the person that I usually am and understanding this experience will take some time. Maybe just telling my PCP that I can't do this by myself anymore is what I really needed to express....will I be OK now? Don't know, but I do think that I've probably just about hit the bottom of the pit and hope that there's not much left until I reach it.

I wonder how I ought to approach my doctor about what happened? I think that this is something that I need to ask about...but not sure how.

I need some thinking time and hopefully I'll understand what all of this was about.

I'm sorry that I left TBR so abruptly. I hope I didn't cause much concern.

I can't say too much without making my name known, but something really really bad happened and I'm in an emotional tailspin. I'm going to go silent for a while, dealing with raw emotion. Tomorrow I'm going to be contacting my pdoc I think, giving a heads up, because I'm sure that my current stable condition is going to be unstable really fast. Gotta get the blood tests that he wants done really quick too, before. Tonight was comfort carbs, but tomorrow I'll have to start meal planning to avoid nutritional deficits that could play havoc with my brain, and planning a daily schedule since hours are going to drop like a stone soon and I'll have too many days off for my own good.

Jolly Rancher

My anxiety has been skyrocketing these past couple of days. I feel like I’m letting people down because I’m not meeting their expectations, and it kills me to think I’m unreliable and I can’t do my job properly... A lot of my coworkers are telling me to have more confidence in myself and not take it personally. It’s a lot easier said than done, but I will try to let it pass and keep my head level and high.

Former Signing Ninja

Plays with strings; Bacon Number of 2

{{{Tessa}}}} Hang in there. Sounds like you have a good plan going into this.

{{{Pelli}}} I was also definitely getting concerned for you. I'm glad you had that extra mid-cycle appointment. I'm sorry the PCP wasn't able to spend as much time with you as you needed, but I'm glad to see that she's in the office again today and tomorrow to talk. I wish I had good advice to share, but all I have today is virtual hugs.

Ever since I told my store leadership I would temporarily assume the GSA mantle to get them through a LoA issue and those shifts are showing up on my schedule, I've stopped sleeping. I haven't even done my first shift yet and I'm full of dread over the whole matter.

Even before that, I started feeling that overwhelming sense of dread halfway through a day off because I had to work the next day. My old store's leadership was a nightmare (save our ETL-AP), but the team was exponentially more pleasant. I've never worked with a group of people who were so generally awful not only to each other, but to guests (though of course, there are some good ones in the mix) as I have in my new store. The fact is, you spend more time with TMs than you do with TLs or (especially) ETLs. I have now lived ASANTS and all I can say is, ugh. I don't mourn my old store because that's over, and I'll never get it back. Most of the team I worked with is gone now, anyway, because of the awful leadership.

Now, almost all of the good leadership at my new store is leaving or about to -- right after I said I'd take the GSA/SEA/LMNOP role again. (I realize one has nothing to do with the other. That said, I would have said "no" had I known we were in for a huge leadership change.)

I also can't do another Q4. I can plow my way through a shift with Target's prized sense of urgency, guest-firsting all the way. When I get home, though, I am depleted. Everyone's tired after work, but this is an I-can't-move-or-even-think type of depleted. I don't want to do anything. I barely want to leave my house, not because of anything like agoraphobia but because the last thing I want to do is be around more people. The holidays have become a sentence to be served, not something to enjoy.

I've mostly stopped eating. Protein shakes are keeping me alive, because the first two things to go when I'm under stress are my appetite and my ability to swallow. This is something of a problem, and because I'm hypoglycemic, it's worse. My sugar being low doesn't help my physical condition and it really doesn't help my anxiety.

So, I have to leave.

Working for Target has made me more assertive and less afraid of conflict and saying "no." It was there when I needed it to be, and I've met some fine people as a result. None of that changes the fact that if Spot insists on going forward with this dumpster fire of a pilot, I can't do it anymore. I'll give them one last busy season--BTS--and leave next September whether or not I have something else lined up. I hope it won't come to that, though. A great opportunity crossed my path yesterday and I hope against hope my cover letter and resume will impress the hiring manager. I'm not hanging all my hopes on one job, though. I'm taking online classes. too. I'll do whatever I have to do to get out at this point, for the sake of my mental health (which is also threatening my physical health).

“Gotta Blast!”

I wake up angry every day screaming at the top of my lungs I thought it was my last job, then moved to spot and still dealing with the same anger daily. I have depression but it’s never been this bad. Can’t even afford health insurance to treat it. Constantly thinking about suicide now more than ever since working at spot
Not to mention when I come home from work I’m so exhausted from that stupid ass sense of urgency and guest first nonsense and I can’t seem to motivate myself to do anything productive!! I literally sit in my bed and watch tv till I pass out and can’t seem to find the energy to clean or do laundry or even wash dishes. Working in retail has really broken my spirit and changed me as a person for the worse. I need help

Scan & Bag Expert

There are counselling services that have an income based payment, community clinics where a doctor can prescribe something if needed, there are online counselors, websites for support.

Even small things can may help. Things like eating healthier (for me personally that means keeping my fruits and veggies up and taking a probiotic), exercise, getting some sun exposure and trying to be around family and friends. Journaling and doing positive affirmations may be helpful as well. Hopefully some of these little things can help take off the edge?

So update. My self care plan went to shit. Peppermint tea and sugar cookies have held my soul together for the last 5 days and I'm out of sugar cookies. I rarely feel hungry. I rarely feel anything. When I do feel something it's pain and so I actively try to go back to feeling nothing and usually succeed. Seeking out nothingness is probably not good for my long term mental health, but it holds me together right now. I'm barely managing housework. I'm sleeping 11-12 hours a day and deep down that seems like it should be pretty scary but thinking how that's not a good thing is more of an academic exercise since I really don't feel anything, not even fear. I never did call the psychiatrist so he has no idea of the mental turmoil that is going to be walking through his door in three weeks. I need blood tests before that appointment, I think I will have the ability to get it done, since right now everything feels like a puzzle that I can put together by looking for where the pieces fit. I guess it feels that way because there's no emotional attachment to the process or results because I feel nothing. I don't know if this is normal for what's going on or if I'm in a world of shit.

“Gotta Blast!”

There are counselling services that have an income based payment, community clinics where a doctor can prescribe something if needed, there are online counselors, websites for support.

Even small things can may help. Things like eating healthier (for me personally that means keeping my fruits and veggies up and taking a probiotic), exercise, getting some sun exposure and trying to be around family and friends. Journaling and doing positive affirmations may be helpful as well. Hopefully some of these little things can help take off the edge?

Thank you so much. It’s worse in the morning and during the day my depression seems to fade. But comes back every morning with a vengeance 😥 I can’t keep going like this. My Medicaid got cut off since certain life changes... but I think waking up at 4:00 am every day plays a huge role in my morning rage and depression. Thanks for the advice guys

I know this is coming from an outsider who has only the things you've told us to go on. But please. Protect yourself. She says she's on the shot but can you honestly trust her? I sure don't. Not with all the other games she's playing here. Also, the shot doesn't protect either of you from anything else, like STDs.

Life sucks and nothing good can come of it.

Happy New Year!
I hope that all of us here will have a 2019 that has many pleasant days and warm feelings. I wish for us good health, great friends and the knowledge that we can handle life each day as it comes.

😩

Been having anxiety all yesterday and last night thinking about my return to work after 16 weeks LOA. Once working again becomes part of my regular routine I’m probably going to have anxiety before every shift. Also this will be the first time I’ll be away from my little human more than an hour. I’m glad my first shift back is only 4 hours.

Scan & Bag Expert

Been having anxiety all yesterday and last night thinking about my return to work after 16 weeks LOA. Once working again becomes part of my regular routine I’m probably going to have anxiety before every shift. Also this will be the first time I’ll be away from my little human more than an hour. I’m glad my first shift back is only 4 hours.

Ativan works wonders. When I was a cashier at Target I would take 1 MG before each shift. It returned me to normal. I still don't know why I am so nervous in front of guests, they are just people like anyone else. My first day, I didn't take any Ativan, I was drenched in sweat. It was ridiculous.

Please all of you with much more serious problems with anxiety and depression than I have, please take care of yourselves.