Sunday, January 18, 2009

So its been a while since i have been online and on this blog so i decided to write about what is going on.

I have come to the conclusion TODAY that i need to start caring about me. I am very sick in the head right now in regards to depression, and other feelings that i need to try to get over. I love John with all my heart, but today i have realized that i don't want him in my life right now. Its more complicating with him around. He is the man of my dreams but if i want the man of my dreams to come back to me i have to have to let him go and work on me. If its gods way for us to end up back together in the future so be it. I will always love John in my heart and will never forget my first real and true love.

I have never truly loved myself till this moment right now. There is this movie called THE WOMAN its the most inspirational movie i have ever seen. From the Additional Scenes to the motion picture to the behind the scenes. This movie is about woman empowerment and confidence and the real beauty of a woman. I have never really felt pretty and when i just simply put on bomb looking jeans, a pair of heels, and a sexy sleek shirt i am the most confident woman there is. I want to start not caring what other people think of me because to me I'm all that matters. I am such a beautiful unique person. For the first time i am actually smiling knowing that if i read this specific entry everyday i know that i will succeed and be who i want to be. I want to be the BEST Sales Assistant and maybe get promoted to something like Assistant Manager lol.....and do makeup and hair on the side and actually get my calling from there. Textlinkbrokers.com is not just a job, its my career of choice and soon hair and makeup will be too.

I don't need a man to make me feel beautiful i need me to make me feel beautiful. Last night Deniece (my co worker and friend) went out to celebrate a coworkers birthday and so we went to a bar called "The Draft" let me tell you when i first walked in i was shy and felt so out of place it was unreal. Deniece and i had a couple guys talk to us, and i was the conversation of tattoos. lol. If that is what makes me beautiful that is a GREAT first step. lol. I realized that yes I'm chubby right now and dont look quite like how i wanted to look but other people see me as beautiful. Deniece and i will start to go out more which i am really excited. I am going to start not to think about John cause when i do i get anxiety. The world is waiting to be discovered and i am not going to let him or anyone else hold me back including myself.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Quit listening to your friends and just read my blog. I am sick of people calling you and giving you there view of what my blog says. You know how i really am so read it. Its not dramatic...i am going through a separation..what do you want me to do. Send you flowers and a card...NO i need to write it out. If you don't like it deal with it.

Sorry to those of you who don't know what is going on, I received a call from John saying his "Friends" give him updates on my blog, and im like i don't care about your friends, this blog is for me to heal.

To those of you that are calling john...GIVE IT UP. Seriously, get a life this is my healing process not yours. Go take from John since that is what all his friends do.

Sorry to be so harsh but obviously i have to spell it out for those that are calling him telling him how dramatic i am or how rude these are.

well today was quite interesting, as i woke up incredibly sore from jazzercise and depressed cause i was missing my husband. I miss his companionship and friendship. I miss his attitude and humor. I am depressed for the fact that i sit at home alone with out the fact of knowing that john will be walking in the door any minute. John seems to have his own life right now and his own issues and i have mine. I am learning how to become more independent with my puppy. I am learning what i like and dislike.

I received my Birthday gift from Johns Mom and I LOVE IT. its in regards to my favorite artist. Her work is morbid yet beautiful. Her name is Tera McPherson - . Her heart work i feel expresses the thoughts that i am going through.

There is another person in my life who is continually supporting me in my life and that is Jenny Stradling. She is my sister-in-law, friend, and boss. She gave me the motivation to be able to move on and get myself back. She is a continued reminder that i can do it on my own and that i don't need anyone to be with me. She is teaching me to explore the world and find out what TASHA WANTS. I thank Jenny for her kind heart and her willing to help others.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Yesterday was a great day, I found out some amazing news from my father…which I will blog about when I am comfortable with it. UMMMMM I have recently started talking to Johns’ ex wife, Nikki, who at first to be honest we didn’t really get along. With where I am in life now, I can see why we never got along lol. I have started to talk to her, without worrying about what certain people may think. Nikki has totally helped me in healing myself. I do thank her very much for comforting me with the hard time that I am going through right now.

Seperating from the man I love is probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. But I had come to realize after speaking with nikki that I was not living life for me but for him. I loved everything about him, and wanted to make him happy no matter what it did to me. This is not Johns fault but mine. I am coming to realize after living alone these past few days that I do like “My Time”. I miss the comfort of John, I miss the thought of knowing he is coming home to me, but what about ME??? There are so many things I want to do that I have never pursued. I have my own set of rules in my home. That is fun. I can swim when I want. I can do whatever I want and it will only affect ME. That is crazy yet powerful.

I am trying to really change my thought process. I have so many people supporting me, my co workers, friends, and family. This is not the easiest time of my life, but a great time to grow into who I really am.

Another Huge person who is helping step by step is my mother. She is the most amazing woman. I go to her cause she knows exactly what I am going through. Its funny, everything that she has told me that was going to happen so don’t do…..I DO AND AGAIN SHE IS RIGHT. Lol. Yes momma you are always right. But if you know me you will know that I have to try it out my way. Lol.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

"Don't be afraid your life will end; be afraid that it will never begin." - Grace Hansen

John and i have separated, at first i thought that my life was ending. Here i have been on his side for over 3 years. I supported him through everything from Jail to court dates, to starting up a new company. I love him and who he was, i loved his kids, and took care of them and was there for them through so much. The boys called me "Mommie" for the reason that i cannot explain on here. John decided to make the decision all on his own to just walk away and drop everything. My first thoughts were disappointment and anger, how could he have the right to make that decision and not try at all. The point of marriage is to work throught the hard times and fight for it, because you made that commitment and promise to eachother when you said I DO. I fought hard for John and i. I planned counseling, and date nights. John just completely shut himself off to me. I am not blogging all this to disrepect him, but this is my healing and my blog. Why should i feel bad when he is the one that left me?

I feel so bad for the children, as i grew up in a broken home i remember who everyone dated on both sides. Its not fun. I love my mom and dad as they have made me who i am today. People think that divorcing and or breaking up with everyone in there lives doesnt hurt the children...WRONG. This will hurt the children forever. Yes they may grow up and never speak of it but trust me i know what it will be like. A stable home is #1 keypoint to have in a childs life, and unfortunately some children will never recieve that. I have my thoughts and views on certain parenting and certain lifestyles and i am beyond strong about the children that were in my life that John so easily swipped away from me.

I personally feel that what john is going through isnt me at all but this all started when he signed the papers for the boys to move to Utah. That is when we went down hill. Then came the business then came me. I was about to move to Wyoming to have family in my life but then Johns sister Jenny pointed something out to me that i am going through everyday. I dont know what is going to happen with John and i, but i have never lived on my own. I have always been co dependent and that is about to change. I live in my own apartment in Mesa arizona, a mile away from my work. I will be saving up for a car, since i got screwed out of that deal.

I am here now for me. I cannot change what has already happened i can only change what will happen in my future. I am here to grow for me not him. This is a fight i have to go through on a day by day basis. This is the hardest thing i have to do. I have learned who my real friends are. Johns friends, are very conditional and i am glad to be out of that mess. I love John with all my heart and would do anything for him, but when he walked away from me he walked away from true happiness. Obviously he is not willing to grow and fight.

I have included the quote up top cause it made me realize that John did hold me back from many parts of my life. Which isnt 100% his fault but mine as well. My new blogging from here on out is going to be me on a day basis and what i am feeling at that time. I love the Hansen Family and thank them for being there for me in the past. Jenny you are my savior and mom, your the best.

I am ready for this rollar coaster and hope that This blog doesnt offend but opens peoples eyes to what really is important in life.