Got a question? fire away

Published 7:25 pm, Friday, August 23, 2013

April may be the cruelest month according to T.S. Eliot, but August is the most boring month, according to me.

Even though this particular August used up part of its quota of unbearable dog days in July, boredom levels are still well into the Red Zone. Television is all "America's Got (umm...) Talent," the best the movies can do is "Kick Ass II." The lawns have turned brown and stopped growing (okay, maybe that's a good thing) and the politicians have left town for all-expense paid vacations (okay, that's definitely a good thing).

You get the feeling that all the other drivers on I-95 are sleep-driving, especially when the person behind you blasts his horn to wake you up.

My recommendation for counteracting the August doldrums is reading. These days reading can be done: 1. from a book or other periodical (youngsters, if the term "book" is new to you feel free to look it up in those Wicker-leaps thingy); or 2. on one of those tablet gizmos that will not only read for you, but do it in any language you choose. (Our favorite, despite the opinions of some readers of this column) is English.

Once you have selected the medium, all that is left is to select a book or periodical that suits you.

Lately my antidote for the August blahs are the books that attempt to answer some of the questions children are known to ask adults and that adults are too embarrassed to admit they do not know the answer to. There are many of these books available on the market. Some are directed at specific categories of kids' questions, including kids' questions on weighty subjects like God, death, their iPad. Others focus on science questions. And, of course, there are the ever popular books that answer kids' questions about s-e-x. I suggest you give the s-e-x books a wide berth. Take it from me, one s-e-x question leads to another and before long you're in over your head.

One book I was browsing through the other day attempted to answer some of the most basic questions that plague kids' minds, like why you never see baby pigeons. The answer was that it is because pigeons are notoriously private creatures. They hide their nests in very inaccessible places, making them kind of the Kardashians and British royalty in that regard. One kid wanted to know -- and I am not making this up -- which hurt more, getting run over by a car or getting stung by a jelly fish. The answer the author gave was that it was the jellyfish sting because it was "nerve pain."

Based on that last bit I am writing my own answer book for some quick cash; only mine will attack the built-in ageism of these books. My book is called "Answering Questions Bridgeport Grownups Ask." Here's a little sample.

What has David Hasselhoff got that causes people to run people over trying to steal his cardboard cutouts?

Why so some driveways cost way more than others?

Which cost more the George Washington Bridge or Manny Moutinho's driveway?

Why did God create a $400,000 driveway?

Why didn't that 911 operator in Fairfield have a suitable answer for the worried person who wanted to know why the cable was out? (Answer: Massive outage caused by breakdown of cable company technician who suddenly realized that America doesn't really have all that much talent.