Dear Bitchy Waiter

Time for another installment of Dear Bitchy. I dug into the mailbag and found this question that perhaps I can shed some light on. You can email me here if you have a question that needs attention. Or email me to say hello. That’s nice too.

Dear Bitchy Waiter,

I work in a fine-dining restaurant in a major city. My boss is always telling me that I come off as arrogant to my coworkers. He says that I like to make people believe that I am smarter than they are. How do I make him understand that this isn’t really my intention, it’s just that I AM smarter than everyone else, and it’s just way too easy to show it? Should I dumb myself down? Should I pretend that I am a completely uneducated redneck in order to make my coworkers feel better about themselves? Please help!

S.B. Cleveland

Dear S.B.,

So, you are smarter than everyone you surround yourself with and people think you are arrogant because of it? I don’t see the problem here. In no way should you dumb yourself down in order to make your co-workers feel better about themselves. Are these co-workers people that you care about or spend time with outside of work? Do any of them have anything to do with your life other than sharing a computer and tray jacks? If the answer to these questions is no, then who gives a fuck, sweetie? I say turn your diploma into a necklace and wear that bitch around your neck. Or have it printed onto fabric and then turn it into an apron. If your co-workers are all as dumb as a bag of hair (stolen from Scott), it’s their issue and not yours. How about a simple “I’m With Stupid” t-shirt? You could wear it underneath your uniform and whenever someone accuses you of being arrogant, simply unbutton enough of your shirt to reveal your innermost thoughts.

Of course if it will make you feel better, you could bring your intelligence down a few pegs. When someone asks if you did your sidework, you can ask them “which side?” Or when the kitchen tells you that the spinach artichoke dip is 86’ed, tell them that it was table table 12 that wanted the dip, and you don’t even have a table 86, duh. If you really want people to think you are stupid, ask to pick up a couple of hostess shifts. That ought to do it. The number one way you can make people at your job question your intelligence is to tell them that you asked me for advice. Once they find that out, it would go something like this:

Waiter:Man, that S.B. thinks she is so smart. She was telling me she watched the Republican debates last night. Waitress:Like that makes her smart, God, I hate her.Waiter:And then I saw her doing a crossword puzzle.Waitress:What an arrogant bitch. Why doesn’t she just do Word Search like everyone else?Waiter:I know, right? And she doesn’t use a calculator when she does her paper work. Waitress:What a fucking show off!Waiter:And she was telling me she liked one of Bitchy Waiter’s post.Waitress:Wait, she reads Bitchy Waiter? Maybe she’s not as smart as we thought. Bitchy Waiter is a douchebag.

S.B. I hope this helps. I say embrace your big fat brain and make everyone at your job feel stupid around you. If they are stupid, it’s not your fault. So go out there and quite some Friedrich Nietzche and carry around War and Peace. That way when they are talking about the most recent episode of Jersey Shore and talking about the latest issue of Star Magazine, you can rest assured that you are smarter then them and it just doesn’t matter.

You know what's funny? I do enjoy crossword puzzles, and I don't normally use a calculator to do my paperwork either. However, I did not watch the republican debates… But you kind of hit the nail on the head. Nice.S.B.