“That one can convince one’s opponents with printed reasons, I have not believed since the year 1764. It is not for that purpose that I have taken up my pen, but rather merely to annoy them, and to give strength and courage to those on our side, and to make it known to the others that they have not convinced us.”
G.C. Lichtenberg (1742 – 1799), courtesy of 'Deogolwulf'

Monday, 20 March 2017

Your Monday Funnies: 20.3.17

Another fine selection of 'Funnies' to start your working week and I am long overdue in saying thank you to my very many busy little bees who provide them.

Marriage is sharing

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously, they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.' As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.' Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered, "The teeth".

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Jack and his date, Blossom were parked on a back road some distance from Brisbane, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from Brisbane. Things were getting hot and heavy when Blossom stopped Jack.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $120 for sex," she said.

Jack just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her and they went on to have mind blowing sex for the next hour.

After they were done, and had smoked a cigarette, Jack just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked Blossom.

"Well", Jack replied with a grin on his face, "I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver and the fare back to Brisbane is $130 "

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MEDICAL DISTINCTION BETWEEN "GUTS" AND "BALLS"

You've heard people referring to other people having “Guts” or “Balls”. Do they, however, know the difference between them? Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom and having the “Guts” to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the “Balls” to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I trust this clears up any confusion. Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome: Both are fatal...

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Paddy and Mick were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage and family values over a couple of pints.

While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart. A very attractive lady who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?"

"I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."

I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on now", she insisted.

She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive and I was weak so I went in. After a couple of drinks, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall open. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

Here's one for you WW -
After catching a speeder…
Policeman: “I’m sorry sir but do you know how fast you were going?!”
Speeder: “I was going the same speed as everyone else!”
Policeman: “Ever go fishing?”
Man: “Yeah…”
Policeman: “Ever catch ALL the fish?”