Honey & Coconut

What’s your gender? WomanHow old are you? 44What’s your race/ethnicity? White / CaucasianWhat continent do you live on? North AmericaWhat country and/or city do you live in? United StatesHighest education received: College degree (eg., BA, BS)What’s your occupation? FundraiserWhat’s your current relationship status? SingleReligious affiliation: I am not religiousHow religious are you? Not at allWhat’s your sexual orientation? Mostly heterosexualAny other term(s) that describe your sexuality or sexual identity? Curious and openHow many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 6How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 0

Honey & Coconut

How long ago did this hookup happen? 3 months

What was your relationship status at the time? Single

How would you best classify this hookup? Friends-with-benefits

How long did you know the person before this hookup? For more than 3 years

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? My partner was someone I knew in high school, although not well. We were friends on Facebook. After I left an unhappy marriage, I recognized some distinct overlapping appreciations. He is attractive and active. I asked him to go hiking with me and went on a few hikes before we were sexually active together. I was surprised by the number of ways we connected and truly enjoyed talking about music, movies, literature, human behavior, and our adult processes. We shared a desire to not be in a committed relationship.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? We were at his home in our shared hometown. I had hiked with a friend in town and asked if I could crash at his house (he often hosts friends and has a lovely cozy spot). We had a number of very sexy text exchanges prior to my visit and I was surprised and nervous about all of it. He is an excellent story teller so we sat on the deck and talked till fairly late in the evening. I think it is safe to say that while we were textually bold, in person we are shy and hesitant. At some point, I touched his arm and said I wanted to cuddle. It had been a long time for me and I genuinely enjoy sex. I felt adventurous and hopeful, so I had shaved part of my labia and my pussy was very smooth, but also a little tender. So, yes I was hopeful we would hook up and had planned for a high level of pleasure for both parties.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? We were affectionate and enjoyed kissing one another, a very good start. Not every lover is a good kisser and I cannot move forward if my mouth is not pleased. I let him know that I had shaved and was tender. Before coming over I looked ways to sooth the skin that with edible ingredients. I made a mixture of coconut oil and honey and had smoothed it on my tender skin. So, I asked if he liked coconut oil and honey to which he replied yes. I said I will kiss you if you will kiss me. He took a deep breath and said yes. I felt comfortable and whispered, “you first”. He was tender and light, a very arousing combination. I returned the favor and found his size to be perfect a very good fit for me, both to genuinely enjoy oral, but also for my pussy. He took me from behind and was not shy about fucking me. He is strong and felt womanly as he fucked with gusto. I did not orgasm and still enjoyed every minute. His bed, however, was extremely uncomfortable and I slept hardly at all. The next morning was affectionate and lovely. I climbed on top of him and we began fooling around again. I asked him if he wanted to be inside of me and his “yes”, rings in my ears and still makes me wet. Again it was fast, hard, hot. I loved fucking him and it did not hurt, an issue for me with some men. I liked that he could go deep and we could be rough without pain. I liked how we communicated and my comfort level.

How sexually satisfying was this hookup? Somewhat

Did you have an orgasm? No, but I was close

Did your partner have an orgasm? Yes, multiple

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? After sex, he checked his phone and things shifted. It was weird, suddenly I did not feel comfortable at all. I didn’t know what I should do and I was so tired I wasn’t reasoning well. I felt like he needed/wanted me to leave immediately and it was very uncomfortable, a sharp contrast to the easy intimacy of earlier in the morning. I left feeling quite sad and like I had misjudged him. After a bit of time, and a few uncomfortable discoveries in social circles, it came to light that a mutual friend was hurt by our hanging out. Although he had been up front about non-committed sexual friendships, he was clearly upset that her feelings had been hurt and asked that we put intimacy on the shelf. I did not share my own emotions. We have remained friends and still flirt some. I hope we can continue to be good friends, which value more than the sexual exchanges. I hope that I will eventually be intimate again. My feelings were hurt, but I have since cultivated several other male friendships, but I do not want a lot of partners, so I have not pursued sexual exchanges. All of these male friends are far more involved emotionally and I do not want a traditional relationship or to hurt anyone. I genuinely enjoy my freedom and genuinely miss the skin to skin contact or just physical exchange, which does not need to be sexual.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) Birth control pill / patch / ring / injection / implant

What were your motives for this hookup? Fun, pleasure, horniness, Attraction to partner(s), Learning new things, experimenting, Emotional intimacy, closeness, connection, Thought it was an important experience to have, To feel more desirable, To feel more confident, Making new friends

How intoxicated were you? Small amount of alcohol or drugs, not enough to feel it

What substances did you consume? Alcohol

How intoxicated was your partner? Small amount of alcohol or drugs, not enough to feel it

What substances did your partner(s) consume? Alcohol

How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? Very

Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I gave enthusiastic consent

How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? I don’t know / I’m not sure

Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They gave enthusiastic consent

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? My therapist who identified that my partner wanted to preserve the friendship, but was not comfortable with intimacy.

How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? Mixed (Some positive, some negative)

Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? A little bit

Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? A little bit

Do you regret this hookup? Not at all

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? I learned a lot about the beauty of communication. I loved feeling so free and open to ask for consent and provide mine. Shaving my labia was a very, very exciting feeling. This experience has also taught me a lot about timing this has been a challenging year for me personally and I value the friendship and support of my male friends. The best part of this hook up is our friendship; it is important to me, so I am willing to walk away from the sexual part to keep the other lines open. And, I really like the idea that I can be fucked in a somewhat rough manner without pain, lovely.

What was the WORST thing about this hookup? The awkwardness the morning after. I feel like we are both healing a bit from the exchange. It takes me a little time to become comfortable enough to orgasm in front of my partner. That takes me a little time under any circumstances, but the misunderstanding changed my level of trust with him on an intimacy level.

Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? Yes, I feel a greater ownership of my sexual process and I still feel a sense of confidence and adventure. After many years of dedicating myself to others, it is a very lovely idea to think that I can enjoy intimacy in new ways with new people, without the expectation that I will change for them. And above all with people, I genuinely enjoy. I learned a lot and it was not all cautionary.

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Very positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? A little negative

Anything else you want to add about this hookup? Yes, do not underestimate the power of someone smelling “right” to make you wet as a waterfall.

What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? I think casual sex &/or multiple partners is more natural than any other arrangement. While I understand that traditional partnerships provide support to women and men; it also has a sense of possession. Over time, I have seen partners drift apart, “dream” about others and fail to communicate honestly about with each other and ultimately with themselves. As they try to hold together a partnership that is not based on individual interests that are shared and supportive on a collaborative level (sexual or otherwise). Personally, I am very happy that financially I am comfortable and that my children are very well-supported by their fathers so that I do not feel compelled to make choices about my partners from a place of desperation or intense need.

What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? This has been very helpful for me to better understand what I am experiencing as a single woman.