Fracturing

Colossians 3:23 says,

Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.

Honestly, it’s been a rough week so far. Being even more honest, it’s been a rough month. Typically, October is a fun, solidly pleasant month. I mean, Florida teases us with these bearable days in the low 80’s, with minimal humidity, we have football, fall clothes (aka. boots), I get to admire pretty pictures of the leaves changing (again, I live in central Florida. A couple swamp maples change colors but that’s not for another solid month because of the ridiculous heat). Even last year with a new born doesn’t compare. Toddlers being, well, toddlers. Busy one year-old being…you get the idea. But it’s been more than just that. For whatever reason, my stress level has sky rocketed past what it was even the week of finals when I was in school. In reading a list of stress indicators, I can check off more than I care to. My nails are bitten past the point of hurting, my face looks like I’m dealing with 15-year-old hormones again, stress headaches, sleeplessness, weight gain, restlessness, even anxiety attacks, etc. Like I said, it’s been rough.

In the midst of all of this, not knowing if it’s the root cause or simply a catalyst, is this feeling of not getting anything done. The fact that I managed to vacuum the house today is a feat. Along with the never ending clean up crew responsibilities, my oldest has decided that it’s fun to make a mess in the bathroom that I never anticipated having to deal with seeing that I have two little girls, not boys (I think you can catch my drift). Between a toddler who is testing boundaries and a little one somewhat trying to walk but really just wanting to be held 24/7, a house to maintain, and a husband to care for, (not including anything else that requires time and effort), I haven’t had a lot of “me time.” Initially, I thought I was being completely selfish. I mean after all, I joined a gym for the sole reason of needing some uninterrupted workout time. Isn’t that enough?

Simply, no. When wound this tightly, I know that I physically need to take a break (a fact proven by the fever I’ve been dealing with all day). My body needs a break. My mind needs a break. Most importantly, my spirit needs a break. Not from God, but from my over domineering need for control.

You see my mindset is so skewed from stress that simple truths that I know to be true feel like empty words. But then I get a kiss from my baby who is too quickly becoming a toddler like her big sissy she is constantly trying to keep up with. Or I hear a “love you!” being bellowed from my almost 3 year old’s room when she is supposed to be fast asleep in bed. I get a bear hug from my husband, just holding me close for no reason at all besides the fact that he knows I need it. My life in immeasurably blessed. Of course, I have frustrations with feeling like I am not accomplishing anything at home, or hurt by friends that I feel never make me a priority, or doubt in my ability to train my children the way they need to be trained and guided to become good, God-fearing young ladies.

All I can do is continue to seek God, knowing that he is aware of my limits, beyond what I even know of them. So, as a violin’s strings needs to be tightened before being able to reverberate beautifully when played, so to do I need to be tested and tried to reflect the truth and love and mercy that comes from obedience and dedication to my Savior. For what I do, my parenting, my serving towards my husband, my volunteering, my mundane house cleaning…it’s all to glorify God. It is all to live a life that He has called me to, to the best of my abilities, even especially when it feels like I can’t handle any more. That’s when I know that I can lay my burden at the foot of the cross, not admitting defeat as much as the desperate need for his help. Because he is simply waiting for me to let go of it, and allow him to carry it for me.