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Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the
Economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put
Workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme
Will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible
For the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the
SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be
RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government
Deems appropriate.

Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for
Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel
Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not
Be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government..

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much ****
(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government
Has always prided itself in the amount of **** it gives out. Should
You feel that you do not receive enough ****, please bring this to the
Attention of your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the
**** you can handle.

He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there’s a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it’s Texas he’s sent to the electric chair.

On the day of his execution he’s sat in the chair and the executionergrants him a final wish.

“Well” says the man, “Is that your packed lunch over there?” “Yes”answers the executioner. “Can I have that green banana?”

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he’s eaten it. When the man’s finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can’t believe it.

The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed.

The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

The bloke again sat in the chair. “What is your final wish?” asks the executioner. “Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?” says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana.

The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair. The executioner can’t believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again.

The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

“What’s your final wish ?” asks the executioner. “Well” says the man, “Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?” The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included.

The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

“I give up” says the executioner, “I don’t understand how you can still be alive after all that?”. He stroked his chin. “It’s something to do with that green banana isn’t it” he asked.

Nahh” said the bloke, “This is all because I’m just a really bad conductor”

A husband went to work at 9 in the morning as usual. For some reason he had to be back home later during the day while running some errands. When he entered the house, he was surprised to see his wife in bed with a man who placed his head on her breasts. The husband demanded, "What on earth are you doing?"

To which the stranger nonchalantly replied, "Quiet! I am listening to music!!"

The husband shoved the stranger aside and said, "Let me listen!" and placed his head on his wife's breasts.

A husband went to work at 9 in the morning as usual. For some reason he had to be back home later during the day while running some errands. When he entered the house, he was surprised to see his wife in bed with a man who placed his head on her breasts. The husband demanded, "What on earth are you doing?" To which the stranger nonchalantly replied, "Quiet! I am listening to music!!" The husband shoved the stranger aside and said, "Let me listen!" and placed his head on his wife's breasts. He exclaimed in suspicion, "I don't seem to hear any music." "Of course not," quipped the stranger, "You're not plugged in!"

I bet after that, that stranger would be very much plugged in with live wire for some electrifying music

The government today announced that it's changing the flag to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation,halts production,destroys the next generation,protects a bunch of dicks,and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed. It just doesn't get more accurate than that!!!

A man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?'

My Teacher pointed at me with a Ruler & said:
At the End of this Ruler is an Idiot I still don't get why I got rusticated.
I only asked him, Which End Sir?

************************************************** ***********

Father to son: why don't u just go and study?Son: what for?Father: U'll get good marks...Son: then?Father: U'll get good job.Son: then?Father: U'll have big house, new car.Son: so what after that?Father: after that U'll relax.Son: so what do u think I m doing right now???

*********************************************An Ugly Truth:

In Bed,It's 6AM,You Close Your Eyes for 5 mins......& it's 7:45

But in Office,It's 9:30amYou Close Your Eyes for 5 mins...& It's Still 9:31

*********************************************A lady manager of a big reputed office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into her cabin.

"What is your name?" was the first thing she asked the newguy."John," the new guy replied.

She scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ...that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mrs. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"....The new guy sighed, "Darling............ My name is John Darling.""Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . .."

[FONT='arial narrow', sans-serif]Overheard at a Golf Club changing room[/FONT]

[FONT='arial narrow', sans-serif]

A bunch of blokes are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

BLOKE: "Hello"WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"BLOKE: "Yes"WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat.It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"BLOKE: "Sure,..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."BLOKE: "How much?"WOMAN: "$100,000"BLOKE: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"BLOKE: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price."WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"BLOKE: "Bye! I love you, too." The bloke hangs up.

The other blokes in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....