I'm wondering if finding a pain-giver (for lack of a better term) is easy to find where you are?

My only recommendation is to try again. The fine art of negotiating getting what you need and making sure he/she gets something out of it, too is tricky. I used to think negotiating a scene was weird. Now, I realize that being super specific from the start actually clears the way for success!

I'm similar to you in that I don't like a lot of warm-up, those in-between cuddly "are you ok" strokes takes me out of my head space and snuggly after care immediately after ruins that moment. But most sadists/tops who haven't played with me don't believe it. And, more important, they want to check in because they don't know me and need to gauge where I am. Usually not with fingers in pussy but stilll... that sort of does address the top's needs... what is he/she getting out of it?

I'm wondering if finding a pain-giver (for lack of a better term) is easy to find where you are?

My only recommendation is to try again. The fine art of negotiating getting what you need and making sure he/she gets something out of it, too is tricky. I used to think negotiating a scene was weird. Now, I realize that being super specific from the start actually clears the way for success!

I'm similar to you in that I don't like a lot of warm-up, those in-between cuddly "are you ok" strokes takes me out of my head space and snuggly after care immediately after ruins that moment. But most sadists/tops who haven't played with me don't believe it. And, more important, they want to check in because they don't know me and need to gauge where I am. Usually not with fingers in pussy but stilll... that sort of does address the top's needs... what is he/she getting out of it?

Good luck. Being in limbo isn't always a comfy place to be.

Thank you.

I guess finding someone to deliver pain isn't that difficult, but finding someone who I want to deliver that pain; is far more tricky.

I am glad I am not alone in hating the inbetween bits and feeling it takes me out of the head space. It just turns me off, and yes; like you you I have found men don't believe me.

I think Brit men have an obsession with trying to push their fingers inside, they always seem so taken aback when I try to explain if they are doing it for themselves, great; but of they are doing it to turn me on, forget it.

If I tell them I hate/loathe being given oral, they really freak out and think I am downright lying.

Why do men think they know a female body better than the female involved does?

__________________The pain of parting cannot be compared with the joy of meeting again else who could bear it." Willy Smith

I guess finding someone to deliver pain isn't that difficult, but finding someone who I want to deliver that pain; is far more tricky.

I am glad I am not alone in hating the inbetween bits and feeling it takes me out of the head space. It just turns me off, and yes; like you you I have found men don't believe me.

I think Brit men have an obsession with trying to push their fingers inside, they always seem so taken aback when I try to explain if they are doing it for themselves, great; but of they are doing it to turn me on, forget it.

If I tell them I hate/loathe being given oral, they really freak out and think I am downright lying.

Why do men think they know a female body better than the female involved does?

Like Stella said, it's not just brit men. I have the same trouble when I explain that you really don't have to "love" me to fuck me. No we don't need to be romatically involved, yes I'd like to be buds, but if you're not into that we can just fuck, it's cool. But no, they don't believe me and they put on this big song and dance so I get hurt and they never get to experience a woman who gets off on giving blow jobs. Every body looses, where if they were just honest with me we'd both be in a happier place.

__________________

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homburg

Look ye to this woman, verily, as an example to all ye aspiring cocksuckers.

Why do men think they know a female body better than the female involved does?

Aren't they often expected to do just that or att the very least read our minds to know what we want but don't ask for, while we are expected to be innocently uninformed about what we want or at least keep it to ourselves? Then when Mr Right comes along we will recognize him because he is the one who just knows without us having to tell him.

So many narratives about sex and relationships are still about that kind of exchange and even if most of us might not think this is how it should be anymore, I still think it influences us all.

shy, if you are going to be in the US Southeast (or anyplace I'm traveling) I would be happy to give you some pain without inserting anything (except maybe needles) anywhere (except under your skin), unless you specifically ask for that sort of thing.

Like Stella said, it's not just brit men. I have the same trouble when I explain that you really don't have to "love" me to fuck me. No we don't need to be romatically involved, yes I'd like to be buds, but if you're not into that we can just fuck, it's cool. But no, they don't believe me and they put on this big song and dance so I get hurt and they never get to experience a woman who gets off on giving blow jobs. Every body looses, where if they were just honest with me we'd both be in a happier place.

Honest men! Heck, I still believe in faires at the bottom of the garden, but that may be pushing it too far!

Quote:

Originally Posted by IrisAlthea

Aren't they often expected to do just that or att the very least read our minds to know what we want but don't ask for, while we are expected to be innocently uninformed about what we want or at least keep it to ourselves? Then when Mr Right comes along we will recognize him because he is the one who just knows without us having to tell him.

So many narratives about sex and relationships are still about that kind of exchange and even if most of us might not think this is how it should be anymore, I still think it influences us all.

I can see what you mean Iris, it must be tricky being a man. But if someone says 'this doesn't work for me,' why can't they accept that. Ok, some do. But those who don't, I don't want anywhere near me with a big stick (no that's not an euphemism lol). If they don't believe the basics will they believe a safe word?

However, I do agree women generally are conditioned to think men should just know us, without being informed. Just bugs me that men buy into that crap too.
If I have his cock in my mouth, I don't presume to know exactly how he likes it to be pleasured. It takes time and practise, luckily I enjoy kneeling for long periods of time

__________________The pain of parting cannot be compared with the joy of meeting again else who could bear it." Willy Smith

shy, if you are going to be in the US Southeast (or anyplace I'm traveling) I would be happy to give you some pain without inserting anything (except maybe needles) anywhere (except under your skin), unless you specifically ask for that sort of thing.

Penetration of any kind should be *specifically* negotiated up front.

Not that this has anything to do with open relationships...

My relationship is open to SM play if anyone's interested!

There, back on topic! *LOL*

You are such a good person to offer to help

If you ever wander across the pond and land anywhere at all in the UK I would be happy to play tour guide and accept pain as payment.

You are a Dom, so you can walk on water, right?

__________________The pain of parting cannot be compared with the joy of meeting again else who could bear it." Willy Smith

Even if I could walk on water, that is QUITE the hike from Myrtle Beach, South Carolina (nearest beach location the distance calculator would let me use), to (let's call landfall at) Plymouth. A mere 6173 kilometers, or 3836 statute miles, or 3333 nautical miles.

I can see what you mean Iris, it must be tricky being a man. But if someone says 'this doesn't work for me,' why can't they accept that. Ok, some do. But those who don't, I don't want anywhere near me with a big stick (no that's not an euphemism lol). If they don't believe the basics will they believe a safe word?

This I'll cosign, euphemism or not. =)

Quote:

Originally Posted by shy slave

I do agree women generally are conditioned to think men should just know us, without being informed. Just bugs me that men buy into that crap too.

Even if I could walk on water, that is QUITE the hike from Myrtle Beach, South Carolina (nearest beach location the distance calculator would let me use), to (let's call landfall at) Plymouth. A mere 6173 kilometers, or 3836 statute miles, or 3333 nautical miles.

Being the lazy Dom that I am, I think I'll book a flight or cruise.

You mean I am not worth walking to?

*sob*

__________________The pain of parting cannot be compared with the joy of meeting again else who could bear it." Willy Smith

Honest men! Heck, I still believe in faires at the bottom of the garden, but that may be pushing it too far!

I know, I'm asking too much, but I've always been upfront with what a needy little thing I am.

Quote:

If I have his cock in my mouth, I don't presume to know exactly how he likes it to be pleasured. It takes time and practise, luckily I enjoy kneeling for long periods of time

Yeah, but I'm sure you've noticed as much as I have, all of the threads about "how do I give the perfect blow job" by women who won't ask their man what and how they like it. They just expect to magically know what will get him off (and that if he doesn't then they are doing it wrong). And once they get one man off, they think all of them will like the exact same thing. So it works both ways. Except that women tend to not believe a man when he says what she's doing feels good!

__________________

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homburg

Look ye to this woman, verily, as an example to all ye aspiring cocksuckers.

Well it is an interesting th'd! And I guess I better add more pixels or else end up gang raped by y'all...soooo

I did live in a somewhat poly open relationship house for a few years. By "poly" & "open" I mean a bunch of 20-somethings that all had libido's going through the roof, and a surprising lack of jealousy. Even though two of the five were married everybody fucked pretty much everybody else whenever the mood struck them. Space between the fucking seemed to be key, and communication of the condition of that space critical. I.E. I could sleep with another man's pregnant wife one day, and the next they just wanted to be together and there was no hostility, or arguments, just a matter of fact "not today".

But ofcourse the old adage of "a lie shared between three people is only safe if two are dead" applies to sex even more than a bank robbery. Emotions were always the slippery slope, somebody would crave somebody else because attachments were grown, and things would occasionally get messy. Usually a "Third Wheel" that started thinking there was a chance to supplant the First or Second...

It only lasted a few years, and my main FWB & me had a relationship for over a decade before & after that episode in our lives. Not quite sure what our "secret" was, other than a blazing sexual compatibility and a complete lack of being a couple between just the two of us. And the knowledge that the above two facts would, are, and always will be true.

It sounds like you & your FWB are the complete opposite, and just need to acknowledge that between the two of you. In the open, completely honest, in a way with no blame or arguments. Just statement of facts, he needs to know he just does not do it for you in the bedroom, and never will.

Quote:

Originally Posted by shy slave

I think Brit men have an obsession with trying to push their fingers inside, they always seem so taken aback when I try to explain if they are doing it for themselves, great; but of they are doing it to turn me on, forget it.

Haa haa poor men, if only women were math equations:
Finger A + Orifice B = Lubrication Juices.
I dunno why, but the sex ed scene from a Monty Python movie started running through my head when I read that and started to smile.

As a colonial male I have noticed an odd UK obsession with "the finger in the dyke". Using turkey basters to squirt water on a woman's genitals during strip shows was something I heard about more than once, and always puzzled me too........then again so does caning and public school headmaster role play. Must be something to do with the Queen.

Quote:

If I tell them I hate/loathe being given oral, they really freak out and think I am downright lying.

Now is something that isn't strictly "UK" only, and I have been guilty of the same things in my younger years, and I can give a decent explanation why. Younger women, atleast from my generation and earlier, weren't exactly encouraged to explore their own bodies for their own pleasure. So a lot of times I would be the first man that would ask, encourage & explore between a woman's legs with my mouth. And most of the times it was a revelation, even if a short time before they were adamant that they "would not like that".

But occasionally I did find a woman, that really really REALLY "did not like that", and at first it took me awhile to accept it as face value instead of believing that I simply did do a decent job the last time. Now I simply accept that if others have been there before, and it is not something that interests her, or actually turns her off, I accept it at face value.

Which is something a lot of men haven't learned or experienced in their lives, and some probably never will.

Quote:

Originally Posted by the captians wench

Like Stella said, it's not just brit men. I have the same trouble when I explain that you really don't have to "love" me to fuck me. No we don't need to be romatically involved, yes I'd like to be buds, but if you're not into that we can just fuck, it's cool. But no, they don't believe me and they put on this big song and dance so I get hurt and they never get to experience a woman who gets off on giving blow jobs. Every body looses, where if they were just honest with me we'd both be in a happier place.

Quote:

Originally Posted by shy slave

If I have his cock in my mouth, I don't presume to know exactly how he likes it to be pleasured. It takes time and practise, luckily I enjoy kneeling for long periods of time

Hee hee, okay this is one of the few times when I wished I lived in the UK instead of the colonies.