Tag Archives: LARP

Byron City – The Celtic Club’s Winter Solstice Festival turned into a full on LARP Battle when the Medieval Club showed up to forcibly shut it down, leaving hundreds of teens and college students pretend injured and fake dead.

The Festival, held as both a celebration and an open protest against the unpopular, newly appointed Mayor Sir Ryan, commenced despite threats from the Mayor to arrest anyone in attendance. Sir Ryan, himself a member of the Medieval Club, has also passed other unpopular laws, such as forcing restaurants to add giant turkey legs to their menu, spending the local library’s entire budget on Game Guides, and forcing the Byron High Cheerleading team to call themselves “The Harpy Squad.”

Celtic Club members began their festival Saturday at 11am on the grounds of Town Hall, choosing the spot purposefully in order to “annoy the mayor.” Mayor Sir Ryan responded by dispatching his own force of over 200 “medieval body guards,” armed with foam swords and shields and drunk on “Courage Mead” (Mountain Dew). The LARP battle began immediately, with Mayor Sir Ryan himself joining the fray (photo).

Mayor Sir Ryan leaping into action to defeat a Celtic Club protestor outside Town Hall.

Calls flooded the local 911 call center for nearly an hour, though no action was taken since “nerdy teens doing something weird” as callers described it is not technically illegal.

By the end of the conflict, the Celtic Club had taken over the Town Hall, raised their flag, and began distributing free butter beer while singing a Gaelic victory hymn before the real police arrived and dispersed the crowd.

Mayor Sir Ryan disappeared with his closest aids after the battle and has not been seen since.

Celtic Club attributes its victory to the fact that it was “fighting for freedom and the very right to exist.” They admit that some of the victory may be due to the fact that they have more “hot girls” than the medieval club, and many nerds willingly let a girl beat them for the chance to talk to her later and maybe going to The Hobbit or something next weekend.

Medieval Club soldier purposefully “going easy” on rival Celtic Club soldier for the chance to talk to her after.

Mayor Sir Ryan has directly threatened we, the Celtic Club, with arrest and persecution should we hold our Winter Solstice Festival in Moons Field. Such a clear abuse of power hath not been known since the Romans conquered and enslaved the Celtics of the British isles long ago.

So in response, we shall concede. That’s right. We shall not hold our Winter Solstice Festival at Moons field tomorrow. We instead shall hold our Winter Solstice Festival DIRECTLY ON THE GROUND OF CITY HALL, so that the infernal, corrupt Mayor may watch our festivities from his office window.

We anticipate nearly one thousand attendants. Possibly more. This is not an exaggeration. If the Mayor delights in arresting innocent surfs and subjects, and assuming he has room in his already overcrowded jail, then we shall make it easier for him and celebrate at his doorstep, foam swords in hand.

Since becoming thy Mayor legally and fairly without corruption as some hath supposed, I have only used this blog to announce official city business and occasionally to stop some more inflammatory posts that would disrupt the peace of our city. And so it is now.

I hereby announce that anyone caught attending Saturday’s Winter Solstice Celebration at Moon’s Field shall be arrested and jailed immediately. Also forthwith, anyone caught dressed like a Celt shall be jailed. However, people dressed in Medieval garb shall be permitted to do so. There’s a big difference, trust me. They look like complete nerds, we look dignified.

So let this be a first and final warning to ye of the Celtic Club. Your subversive Winter Solstice Celebration shall not occur, under penalty of jailing and fines.

And if ye bring foam swords and resist my rule, I and my posse of Mayoral guards shall respond in kind with our own foam weapon infantry, the likes of which would make ye piss your pantaloons. Do not try me. Ye shall fail.

But we of the Celtic Club are tired of hiding. The tyrannical Mayor hath denied our club’s right to exist or hold our public LARP games, but this weekend, we shall rebel by throwing our annual Winter Solstice Festival in Moon’s Field. In public.

And I for one shall be dressed in full Celtic battle garb, including my trusty LARP bow, dubbed Lady Macha after the Celtic Goddess of protection in war and peace, cunning, deadliness, and dominance over men (I don’t understand why this turns men on, it is meant to frighten and overpower them, but whatever…).

Fly true, Lady Macha.

The festival shall begin at 11 a.m. goddess time (which is the same as local time). Festivities shall include music, Celtic dancing, the drinking of mead and wine, a roasted pig, and Lady Stacey shall be setting up her hummus and vegan foods stand. We shall also have a grand LARP session in the late afternoon, so be ye prepared for battle.

By night, we shall enjoy performances by Lord Brian and his bagpipes, and Lady Jenna who will do her nude fire dancing to honor the Celtic fire Goddess Brigit. And unlike last year, all men present will need to keep a distance of at least 25 feet and shall not be permitted to take photos. This is a feminist expression of freedom and power, not a peep show, pigs.

A woman should be able to dance nude while juggling open flames on stage without being ogled by men.

At the conclusion of the evening, we shall honor Arianrhod, Celtic goddess of the moon, beauty, fertility, and reincarnation, by watching Inception on a big screen. Popcorn will be provided.

We do this in open rebellion of our Mayor, who has thrown many of our members in prison simply for being in the Celtic Club. No doubt he will try to stop our celebration. Let him come. We await him eagerly with foam swords in hand.

We are determined to defend our right to practice our beliefs, so we shall make merry this Saturday, come what may, until the Great Mother Moon doth bless us with her glow, or when the park officially closes at 10pm.

Hark ho, mine faithful citizens of ye olde Byron City! It has been thence a few weeks, nigh unto a fortnight, since I was’st crowned Mayor and Ruler of Byron City, and things hath already improve’ed much. The streets be cleaner, the crime rate doth wane, and the hearts of all citizens e’rywhere be full of mirth and gayety (I meanest this in the original interpretation of “gay,” so stop laughing at me when I say that. Grow thou up.)

But lo! even more joy is on the way! I have, with the assistance of my loyal aide, Jester Dave, created a list of Mayoral decrees, effective hence thus now and forever after.

10 Mayoral Decrees

1- Medieval Fridays
On the last Friday of each month, all citizens must dress in medieval garb and not use modern technology. Thou shalt find it fun.

2- Giant Turkey Legs
All restaurants must add Giant Turkey Legs to their menus. Even vegan restaurants, including Just Beet It, Soy Story, and Faux Bowl.

3- New LARP Arena
We will be levying taxes to build a new medieval Live Action Role Playing arena (LARP). T’will be the coolest thing on the planet, and medieval clubs from all over shall flock to our city to battle and hurl Nerf fireballs at one another, greatly improving the economy of our kingdom.

4- Mayor Chuck ExiledFormer Mayor Chuck is thus banned from office forever and his coat of arms replaced with a chicken-headed minstrel. And his house shall no longer considered part of Byron City. It’s now known as Loserville, population: 1.

5- Stephanie is Now my GirlfriendStephanie Banks-Dixon must be my official lady faire (my girlfriend). She may stay married to her husband if she likes, that’s cool, so long as he doesn’t hurt me and thou go’est on dates with me now and then, forsooth, perhaps the Grey Elf Tribe Annual Mixer tonight?

Seriously? That’s it? Lame.

6- Game Guides at Library
Byron City library must stock RPG game guides. The library current offers only the Buffy the Vampire slayer RPG guide, which verily is super lame.

7- No More Celtic Club
Since its lameness doth exceed the lameness of all things lame, the Celtic Club and is hereby dismantled, and all members are now part of the superior Medieval Club (except for Lady Cerridwen, who I wouldn’t let be mine house maid). All the Celtics died anyways, so there you go, losers.

8- Byron High’s New Mascot
Byron High’s new mascot shall be the Barnacle Goose, and the Cheerleaders shall be known as the Harpy Squad. The name doth fit.

9- Chinese Food Delivery
Happy Good Chinese Food must deliver even if the order doth not exceed $10. I mean, come on. Art thou serious? And I shall not tip the delivery man if he giveth me a weird look when I pay in quarters from my coin purse.

10- King Jeff Must Give Back my Nickleback CD
I’m serious, I know thou hath it. Thou can still be King of the Medieval Club, I just want’est my CD back.

That is all, but there be more to come. I admonish all citizens to adhere to these decrees, lest ye find yourselves in the disfavor of the honorable Mayor of the land of Byron.