Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Eczema, Texas Ranger

Hello, fellow Christians! It's been a while, but I'm itching to get back into the blogging game after mine & Jesus' exciting trip to Texas. I have to admit that I had hoped to use this excursion to do some field research on the State of the Coiffure in the Lone Star State, but cold weather (mid-20's for much of our stay) kept us indoors and the ladies' tresses under wraps. From what little I could observe on the local news broadcasts (Joseph had 3 tv sets going -- all at once!), blonde highlights are the new ranch dressing: They go with everything and are perfect for any occasion, regardless of your skin tone or hair color.

Our first destination was the opulent Ripley's & Tussaud's Palace of Wax. When we told Jesus' family where we had gone, it became evident that everyone who grew up in the Dallas/Fort Worth area wanted to go to this tourist trap, but never did. Jesus & I recently protested the Ripley's on Hollywood Boulevard, so we were curious as to how many outrages we'd find here in Texas. Sure, Ripleys' served up a few demitasses of Evolution-Lite in the guise of freaks whose pitiful condition was caused by "chromosonal mutations" (the Darwinist catch-all excuse for when God hates you so much that he smites your progeny), but the wax museum dished up plenty of Texas-sized helpings... of Jesus!!!

Unfortunately, I didn't have my digital camera with me, so these pix from my cell phone will have to do. What you can't see is Wax Jesus' liberal use of eyeliner -- Jesus reassures me that the last time He applied it that badly was as a teenager going to midnight screenings of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. (Also noteworthy but sadly unphotographed: The lonely fate of stars whose voltage has diminished is being relocated throughout the museum, and an armor-clad Charles Bronson was standing next to King John I for the signing of the Magna Carta.)

The next day we braved the icy roads to protest Southfork Ranch, where we spotted the handprints of former Jhirmack spokesmodel and present day proprietress of her own line of beauty aids, Victoria Principal. Could this possibly be the most Christian place on earth?

Sadly, No, as they say on the internets:

It pains me to report that even Southfork Ranch as fallen into a state of dhimmitude, as this "crescent of embrace" flying brazenly over the former home of Ms. Principal can attest. The tour guide claims that the flags represent every country that Dallas has been aired in, but this is nothing more than a transparent attempt by Hollywood Liberals to mollify radical jihadists. Well, Hollywood, there's no placating these people, and you'd better grow a backbone before they've stoned Sue Ellen and put Miss Ellie in a burqa.

On Sunday, I had planned on Witnessing at one of these megachurches I've been hearing so much about. I had my air horn & foam finger ready, but Mary said that we'd be protesting the Dallas Museum of Art instead. It became evident by their collection that this city is sitting on some serious bucks, or as Jesus put it, "Every time you fill your tank, another picture goes on the wall." Mary wanted to see the Maya exhibit, which was informative. Evidently the illegals' murderousness and penchant for narcotrafficking are pretty deeply ingrained.

This place is better known as the spot where the spurned Hillary Rodham, then only 16, "allegedly" murdered her former lover, John F. Kennedy, in her diabolical plan to destroy America through advancing the cause of World Communism, planting the seeds of defeatism in America's armed forces, who had just begun advising the military of South Vietnam, and installing her gullible puppet, LBJ, who would declare War on Initiative, thus ensuring a limitless supply of future Democratic voters. This horrible scenario climaxes with her assuming control in a bloodless coup better known as the 2008 presidential elections. Don't let this brazen hussy get away with it, Christians! Praise Him!