Dame Helen Mirren cheered the Tulane University Class of 2017 with a speech that was funny, sometimes bawdy and always heartfelt Saturday (May 20) at the Mercedes-Benz Superdome.

The husky-voiced British actor told Tulane graduates she knew they would fix the world -- and to help with that, she doled out advice, one-liners, a dig at LSU and a drink order: "vodka martini straight up with a bit of lime. The bit of lime is because, you know, I'm a bit of a health fanatic," she said.

She received an honorary degree from the university, as did saxophonist Branford Marsalis, research psychologist Shelley Taylor and civil rights leader Diane Nash.

Graduation speeches are supposed to be relatable, she said. So "today's speech will contain advice for any of you born in England, who decided to become Shakespearian actresses and end up doing nude scenes in 10 films."

She added, "I just mentioned that just to see if any of your fathers are getting out their phones right now to Google me. Dads, stop it. Inappropriate. Put it away." A pause: "I mean the phone."

In fact, her speech contained ample guidance for a far wider audience, which lapped it up.

Though Mirren is an officer of the Order of the British Empire, she had never before given a commencement address. Preparation began about a month in advance, she said afterwards. "It's a huge responsibility. There's so much you want to get in. ... It's the balance between hopefully making it entertaining and imparting some wisdom."

In another life, she would have loved to attend Tulane and discover New Orleans at the age of 18, she said.

Instead, she arrived a couple of decades later. The first time husband Taylor Hackford exited Interstate 10 into the French Quarter, "The first words out of my mouth ... were 'I want to die here,'" she told the graduates.

Her many references to New Orleans rang authentic: Mirren and Hackford used to have a house in New Orleans, and her stepson Rio Hackford co-owns Pal's Lounge and One-Eyed Jacks.

She called the city raunchy, sophisticated, violent and sleepy, and mentioned the Katrina refugees who once sheltered in the Superdome where the graduates now stood.

Her speech slanted left, politically. Digging for a piece of wisdom the graduates would remember in four decades, she came up with the following: "Whether you're in Tiptina's, the French Quarter or the Oval Office, no good can ever come from tweeting at 3 a.m."

More generally, "The trick is to listen to your instincts, grab the opportunity when it presents itself and then give it your all," she said. "Like a hangover, neither triumph nor disaster lasts forever."

Then she gave what she called, "Helen's Top Five Rules for a Happy Life." They are as follows, in her words:

Rule No. 1: "Don't be in a rush to get married." (She didn't until she was in her 50s.)

Rule No. 2: "Treat people just like people. ... Every single person, whether they have dominion over your life or not, deserves equal respect and generosity."

Addendum: "No matter what sex you are, be a feminist."

Addendum to the addendum: "Never again allow a group of old, white men to define the health care of a country that is" -- cheers drowned out the rest.

Rule No. 3: "Ignore anyone who judges the way you look, especially if it's some anonymous creep lurking on the internet. If you are that person lurking on the internet, stop it."

Rule No. 4: "Don't be afraid of fear ... Throw caution to the winds. Look fear straightaway in its ugly face and barge forward. And when you get past it, turn around and give it a good, swift kick in the ass." Unless it's the fear of diving into shallow water or driving drunk, she said - those are fears to obey.

And Rule No. 5: "Don't over-complicate things." To that end, Mirren gave a lightning-round list of sensible dos and don'ts:

"Do call your parents at least once a week. Tell them you love them. Tell them you love them and then ask for the money, not the other way around."

Mirren had confidence, she said, that the graduating generation would "fix much of what has been broken" in the world.

With that, she showed the graduates the tattoo on her left hand: a Mayan inscription, "in lakesh." It means, "you are me and I am you," she said. It's "a more beautiful way of saying 'We're all in this together.'"