Ahh, the month of l'amour... (read in a very thick French accent) Love is everywhere. Flowers, gifts, cards, wedding proposals... February creates the feeling of passion, romance and long lasting love.

I don't want to be the one to pop your shiny helium balloon or anything, 'cause I'll be the first one to go all crazy for Valentine's Day, but just because it is the month that invokes the spirit of love... does not mean that love is what you are feeling!!

Sadly, I am here to tell you what Love. Is. Not.And it breaks my heart to do so, because I want everyone who wants it to feel those butterflies and goosebumps of love. I want everyone to find that special someone that will stay with them forever- through thick and thin, good times and bad, fat days and skinny days, and all that stuff. But just because it is Valentine's Day does not make it so...

A client of mine had recently gotten away from an abusive relationship. He was both physically and emotionally abusive. He was her addiction. But she finally broke free and moved back in with family for support. She started going to church and became an active participant. Through our sessions she began to realize the destructive behavior and how it impacted her life and the lives of her children. She began to see that maybe this wasn't love, because love doesn't do those terrible things and cause pain to each other. Love only lifts you up. Love never tears you down or manipulates.

She had cut off communication and went out of her way to avoid seeing him and took this time to concentrate on healing. She had to realize that she could live without him, that she was addicted to him lustfully, and that she did not deserve to be treated in such a harmful, manipulative way.

Enter Valentine's Day. In walks Mr. Wonderful with a bouquet of flowers and a shiny helium balloon... oh, and one more thing... a ring. My client went blind, deaf and dumb but still managed to accept his proposal.

"He said he was going to change. The Lord told me to forgive him. If I am supposed to be a good Christian, I should give him another chance. He loves me."

I was speechless. She was in her moment of euphoria so, she wouldn't hear a word I said, so... I'm saying it to you.

What Love Is Not....

Forgiveness. Yes Forgive. Yes, always forgive. Because forgiveness is more for you than the other person. It allows you to heal and move forward and not give others control over your emotions. Yes, forgive. Even in the hardest, most painful of circumstances... forgive. But forgiving is not forgetting. Saying that, hear this- Just because you forgive does not mean that they should stay in your life. Let me say that again. ﻿Just because you forgive someone, does not mean they still belong in your life! ﻿ Not all relationships are meant to last forever especially if they are abusive. You are not being a loving, forgiving person if you allow someone back into your life that is going to continue the same behavior. You know why? You are not loving yourself! That is unhealthy!! You deserve better!! Yes, people can change, but if this is the twelfth time you've forgiven and tried over... chances are, no change is going to take place. You've already proven to them that you will take them back no. matter. what. That is not love. To allow yourself to be treated anything less that amazing... that is not love.

Actions speak louder than words. Just because they say it, doesn't mean their behavior backs up their words. Sometimes we want to hear those words so badly that we tend to turn a blind eye to bad behavior. People can only be artificial for so long. Eventually their real, true self will come to the surface. You know it. You see it... but you chose not to. Those three little words are magic. But if the way they treat you and others contradicts those beautiful words, see it and believe it. It is not love.

Being taken advantage of is not love. When you are someone's second choice, and not their priority, that is not love. If they wait to find out if there are any other offers besides yours before they give you a commitment, that is being taken advantage of. And if you are willing to drop your plans because they called at the last minute, you are allowing yourself to be taken advantage of. If they can't put your first, get out of their way. You deserve someone that will be into the relationship just as much as you.

If you have to try to convince someone to love you... they are not for you. You don't match. It's not necessarily a bad thing! Not everyone is going to get along with everyone else! Don't try to force love. Don't look for things that aren't there. Don't try and change someone into your idea of the ideal mate because you will only be hurt in the end. Love is not forced. You shouldn't have to try so hard to make a relationship work. If there isn't a foundation that you can build on, that is not love.

Disrespect is not love. When someone realizes that they pretty much have a green light to do whatever they want, because you'll always take them back they will continue to respect you less and less. They will wear down your standards; coerce you to have you bend your belief system. They aren't as afraid of losing you as you are of them. When someone disrespects you, it is better to remove yourself from that person. They will never suddenly see your worth. And if you continually drop your standards ("yes, he cheated, but I know he was sorry") they will continually cross that new line. And soon, you will feel shallow and empty waiting for them to love you the way you imagined they would. Let them go.

Love is never hateful. Or abusive. Or harmful. If someone lays a heavy hand on you. That is not love. They may think they love you, they may honestly believe they love you, but love is not designed to hurt. More likely than not, it is an addiction. Addictions are possessive, love is freeing. If someone loves you, they would never, ever want to see you in pain. If they love you, they will not cheat on you. No exceptions. If they love you, they will not leave you. If they love you, they will let you know. You won't have to wonder. If they love you, they will have your best interest at heart. You won't have to force them to want to be with you.

Walking away isn't easy. We all want love. We want to feel the joy of love and sometimes we think that if we just keep trying, we can love someone enough for both people. That is not love. And when you keep trying and keep trying waiting for a different outcome, you only sink deeper and deeper into that loveless hole. They are not going to change. So you either have to tolerate their behavior or walk away, loving yourself enough to start again. I vote for the loving yourself option. The right one IS out there, when you are ready. But you can't really give yourself to someone else to love, when the love is not already there within you.

Don't settle for anyone just to have a someone. That... is not love. Be patient. Take care of you. Do what you need to do so that when love comes along, you'll be ready. You'll recognize it for what it is... and what it isn't.

I had a birthday this past week. When I woke up, I was prepared to be sad and even depressed because I was alone. Far away from family and anyone who might love me... or even like me a little. Once I figured out that each day is a gift, my attitude changed just a little bit. But I was still so lonely because I knew that no one was going to do anything nice for me for my birthday. No cake. No party. No dinner invites. I was so sad!

(In actuality, no sooner did my eyelids flutter to life, my phone started chirping with birthday wishes and greetings of love and affection. I was not forgotten! And suddenly I felt worthwhile. I mattered now, because someone somewhere out in the world loved me.)

But the most poignant message I got was from my sweet niece and she said, "Happy Birthday, I hope you use this day to spoil yourself."

It dawned on me that I don't have to wait for someone else to do something nice for me. I could do it myself! As I am constantly trying to teach "my" teens that they should love themselves (before they can expect others to love them) this is one way of showing love to yourself. So I did...

I had an extra serving of bacon with breakfast. I took a long, long, extra long hot shower. I went to the beach with my dog, Meera. (There were dolphins!! They were swimming SO close to the shore I could have walked out and touched them!! There were hundreds of sand dollars everywhere too!) I wrote in my latest manuscript. I relaxed, stared out over the water and thought about the people that I loved. I ate an entire box of chewy Sweetarts. I watched a couple episodes of Bones and finished out the night with a favorite movie, a bowl of popcorn and a glass of wine. The only thing I couldn't get my hands on was birthday cake. (Because, as you know, birthday cake is the only kind of baked good that has no calories...) But it was not meant for me that day, I guess.

Overall it was a good day. It was a good birthday. While I love being around my friends and family for the special occasions, this has truly been a lesson that my happiness is not dependent on other people. I could have easily chosen to spend the day in bed and stay sad that no one is doing anything nice for me, but every single birthday wish I got on my phone or on Facebook was enough for me. I am loved. I am treasured and not even birthday cake can say that any better!

This is the life that I have chosen for myself. To travel and be an author and create awesome workshops as I go. Therefore, I am going to be away from my "support group" quite a bit of the time. I need to know how to make myself happy. I need to love me in case there isn't anyone else around to remind me that I am lovable. And... it's okay to spoil myself every once and again. Because I am special. And I am worth it.

So this is me giving you permission to spoil YOURself! Love you for you. Celebrate your awesome uniqueness and know that you don't have to wait for someone else to celebrate you.

(By the way, thank you everyone for the birthday wishes! They really and truly made my day. Each and every one brought a smile to my face! It's good to be loved.)

Go ahead, think about it... You know you have one. The super powers I'm referring to today have nothing to do with melting walls with laser vision or soaring through the skies or even lifting automobiles and using them as batting practice... although, if you can do any of those things, that's pretty cool!

Dig a little deeper. What is your go-to move? Do you have the power to put others at ease in a tense situation? Are you the "glue" of the family or a circle of friends? Can you make people laugh and forget their troubles for even just a little while? Do you have the power of medicine? The power of negotiation? Does your super power require a paint brush, hammer or chisel? Does your super power come to life when you lift the hood of a vehicle, smile at a child, or sit around the board room table?

I know what you're thinking. "That's not a super power, it's just what I do."

I beg to differ. Any one can have a job, or skill, or talent, or characteristic, but it becomes a super power when it becomes such a part of you that you do things without thinking. Sometimes to reach this point, it requires hours and hours of practice, study or research. Other times it's just a part of who you are and how you react toward others and is a benefit to you or the rest of the world. Or... you might have been bitten by a toxic bug or been part of a scientific experiment gone wrong... there's that option too...

And not every talent can be classified as a super power. I CAN draw. I CAN sing. I CAN play instruments... but none of these are my super power.

I woke up thinking about it this morning. There are people in my life that I just have to stand back in awe when their super power is in action. It's amazing seeing people shine and the amount of self-confidence that comes off them is a beautiful sight to behold. At that moment, I am so proud to be a part of their circle. And watching someone figure out their super power? That's another "wow" moment. I love watching people, (usually kids) realize that one "thing" that sets them a part from everyone else.

And just for fun, let's take this one step further. Think about your super power... what other minor powers go along with it? (Example, if singing is your super power, can you also dance? write music? harmonize? sing in other languages? teach others to sing?)

How do you use your super power to benefit others? (with the singing example: Do you: give concerts? Sing for those in nursing homes or hospitals? write for new up and coming talent? teach your skills to others?)

How does your super power make you happy? (you make others smile? You earn an income? It never gets boring? It makes you smile?)

What is your Kryptonite? (smoking. alcohol. screaming. cold air.)

Who might you have in your circle? (other singers? a new style of singer? Super heroes who play instruments? Agent? Trainer?)

And who would your nemesis be? (Smokers, Another singer? Unsupportive boss?)

Now do you know what yours is? If you can't think of what it might be, ask someone close to you. I'm sure they can tell you! So I want you to take this one quick moment and acknowledge your super power- put on the cape or the tights, whatever you have to do- but take a moment to see yourself as a super hero; doing your part to keep the world running smoothly.

Share your super hero work-up with the rest of us below! Have fun with it!! Don't be shy... You are amazing and you should share your gifts with the world!

Sometimes in life we fall into patterns that seem to slow us down or even bring us to a complete halt. These are the times when we can feel defeated or overwhelmed. And we make the mistake of listening to those negative voices either from within or without and think we can't do something. It's times like these when making an Asset List will help get you through.

If you have been to one of my motivational speaking engagements, you may have heard me talk of a Victory Log (or Victory Wall). This is a tool I use to write down in a specific journal (or post-it note my wall) all the victories, large or small that I achieve. I sold X amount of books. I got new subscribers, I lost weight, I got a new gig, I got a letter of thanks or an awesome review... You get the idea. I write these down and when I'm feeling unaccomplished, I go back and look at all these victories and I am replenished again. I know that I can face whatever challenge because look at how far I have come! An Asset List can be a similar tool to use to help you through those "stuck" times.

If you were to go to a bank and request a loan, the banker would want to know about your financial assets, to make sure you are "worthy" of this sum of money. So you would write down your assets to assure the banker that, yes, you can repay the loan because, clearly, as it states on this paper, you are worth more than that sum. An Asset List is similar in how it is directly related to you. It clearly puts in black and white how valuable you are. What are those great qualities about you? What things can you do that come easily that to others may be a challenge? What are your talents? Your skills? Your gifts? Your experiences?

They are all right there, but sometimes we forget how wonderful we are, or sometimes, we have never taken the opportunity to look close enough. There's a story about a man who owned some property. The land was flat and dry and nothing could grow on it. One day a business man came along and asked if he could do some testing of the land. The owner said, "Sure," and scoffed at the man, warning him that the ground was useless. Well, the business man puttered around for a few days and ended up tapping into one of the largest veins of oil ever found! Of course, both men became quite wealthy from that big ole' hunk of useless ground. They never would have found it had they not scratched below the surface. Had they not looked at the land from a different angle.

What will we find if we scratch below the surface? What treasures would we find if we only took the time to search your beautiful heart and complex brain and worldly soul?

I'd like to recommend that you do just that. Get pen and paper and start writing, in no particular order, all the wonderful assets of you! Some of you will be able to pour out lists and lists, but for others, you might need some encouragement. So ask for help! Ask those people around you what they think your assets are and then write them down! Keep your list close by and review it regularly and alway keep adding to it as you grow and change and learn new skills.

Whenever you need a boost, take a look at your Asset List and remind yourself how valuable and unique you are and then go face whatever challenge is intimidating you! You can do it! If you can't do it personally, you can find a way to get it done! I believe in you. You need to believe in you too!!