Gymnast Feng Zhe and the 2012 London Olympics

Chinese Olympian Feng Zhe‘s Sina Weibo account @冯喆小胖 (Feng Zhe Little Fatty) has attracted more than two million followers as of today. The gymnast wowed the public with jokes and quips he created or adapted about him and his coach Wang Hongwei, and has been dubbed “the gymnastic world’s xiangsheng genius” on the Chinese internet.

The training after entering the [Olympic] Village over the past two days has been quite exhausting! The Olympic Committee probably doesn’t allow athletes to post [training] plans on their microblogs, so I’ll just tell you about our training load! First thing in the morning, as soon as we get out of the elevator, we have to say “a ni a se yo” 37 times to the Korean team next to us! And then “gong ni ji wa” 15 times! “Beng shu” 20 times! “Good mo gen” 26 times! “Gu de mo ling” nearly 100 times! Ah, you tell us whether we would not be exhausted or not! And that is only for one morning!

The O2 Arena isn’t anything special! The women’s toilets are always haunted. Every time I go inside, I would hear bursts of ethereal shrieking, but nothing like that happens in the men’s toilets. I hope the Olympic Organizing Committee will launch an investigation into this.

Coach Wang truly doesn’t have it easy, taking the subway back and forth every day just for [fellow Chinese gymnast] Yibing‘s and my training. In order to understand the English map of the metro and the game schedules given by the Olympic Organizing Committee, Coach Wang spent two days looking up each and every new word in the dictionary, and then used a pencil to meticulously write down the Chinese translations on the map and the competition rules handbook. Deeply moved, and in order to take advantage of this golden opportunity to help him improve his memory of vocabulary, I took an eraser and erased all of Coach Wang’s Chinese characters while he was sleeping.

“Report to our dear Supreme Leader, the Supreme Commander of the Republic, the little sun of the people Comrade Kim Jong Un simida that Comrade Ri Chun-hee finally has a successor simida!”

[Note: The above photos feature South Korean Olympic fencer Shin A-Lam staging a tearful, hour-long sit-in protest over Olympic judging. She eventually received a consolation medal recognizing her sportsmanship. Ri Chun-hee is the famous North Korean news anchorwoman famous for her characteristic emotional and sometimes vitriolic news reporting.]

They’re diving with their lives…

Question: Why did Ye Shiwen swim that fast and win the championship? Answer: Because the Pisces Ye Shiwen’s English name is ‘Yes Win!’

Just saw someone say: Sun Yang should just marry Ye Shiwen. Have four sons and four daughters, and China will dominate swimming from 2032 to 2044. —— Below this was a legendary comment: If they got married, the age-old conundrum of whether one should “save the wife first or the mother first” would truly be solved…. Cracked me up!

I’ve discovered a problem, with the London Olympics! If we: Win! No! You must have used performance-enhancing drugs! Draw! Still no!!! We’ll put your national flag at the bottom [referring to a controversy where China’s flag was hung below South Korea’s flag despite the custom for ties/draws being to hang the flags side by side]!! Lose! Still no!!! You are competing in a passive way and not living up to the spirit of sportsmanship!!! Then just what do you want from us?!

The foreign media should really stop their hyping [slandering] now!!! If we really had such niu and unnatural drugs, we would’ve first given it to our men’s national football team, okay?!!!

[Note: China’s men’s football team is popularly regarded as the great shame of China and Chinese sports fans for their lack of competitiveness and the persistent problems that plague their sport and league. Suffice to say, China’s football team did not make it to the Olympics.]