Own less. Live more. Finding minimalism in a world of consumerism.

The Danger of Neglecting Time Alone

“We live in a very tense society. We are pulled apart… and we all need to learn how to pull ourselves together…. I think that at least part of the answer lies in solitude.” —Helen Hayes

We live in the information age.

Computers provide the opportunity to process enormous amounts of information. The Internet makes the constant flow of information from anywhere in the world possible. Social media ties together information and relationships. And smart phones have made information and relationship accessible anywhere/anytime.

This adds many benefits to our lives: we are able to accomplish more, broadcast further, connect easier, and process quicker.

But left unchecked, this information age also has its downsides. Consider the fact that we are constantly, at all times, digitally surrounded by others. For the first time in human history, the possibility for relationship with others exists around us at every moment of every day… whether we are at work, in our homes, in our cars, in the grocery store, at our son’s baseball game, or on vacation at the beach. With the click of a mouse, the push of a button, or the flip of the phone, we are immediately rushed to a place teeming with others. And they immediately rush into our minds with reckless abandon.

Left unchecked, this constant stream of relationship can have some damaging effects on our lives:

It becomes easy to constantly compare our lives to others. Because Facebook/Twitter/Google+ often only tell one side of lifes’ story, it becomes commonplace to compare the worst aspects of our life to the publicized best aspects of others. Add to that the fact that television paints an unreal, often over-glamorized view of the world, advertisements remind us of everything that we still don’t own, and technology changes at light-speed pace. And once you get lost in the comparison game, you enter a never-ending downward spiral. Reality has been replaced by fiction.

There is a constant need to impress. It is human nature to hide weakness and champion strength. We so desperately desire to be well thought of and looked up to. As a result, when we are in the company of others, we try to look our best, put-together, and in control. We hope to impress others… often building walls to hide our true selves in the process. This new, constant stream of virtual relationship muddies the water. There is no longer any opportunity for down-time. We must always be “on-our-game” trying to hide our weakness and champion our success.

It is tempting to overlook the people right in front of us. We live in a world where we can check to see what anyone else in our life is doing in real-time. There is no need to hear about it later. We can just check right now… and it will only take a second. Unfortunately, when there are only 2 friends in front of us but 200 friends online, it becomes increasingly difficult to focus on the 2. This temptation to see what else is happening in the world is very strong. And it often comes at the expense of the people we are sitting with at the moment.

The urgency of communication becomes greatly exaggerated. In a world where information is easily accessible and interpersonal relationships are always available, the urgency of communication begins to accelerate. Just because our cell phones allow us to be reached at any given point of the day (by voice or text) does not mean that an immediate response is necessary. Our lives continue. Unfortunately, because the world has collapsed around us, there is a growing sense that not giving an immediate response to texts/e-mails is rude. It is not.

There is great opportunity to become overly-dependent on others. When the opportunity to be surrounded and validated by others is constantly present, the opportunity to rely upon those relationships to an unhealthy degree also presents itself. If we can receive feedback and praise from dozens of people at a moment’s notice, the ability to find personal satisfaction diminishes. We lose the ability to find security in our heart and soul – because the rush feels so good when we receive it from others.

There is unlimited ability to ‘sell.’ When relationships are always available, there is never a moment in the day that we can not be busy selling something to somebody. In a world that spins on the foundation of the dollar bill, this can become very dangerous. Whether we are selling material products, intellectual products, or just ourselves, the opportunity to sell is always available. The store never closes. Customers always enter. And if we’re always busy chasing the next sale, there is little opportunity for contentment to take root.

Silence becomes feared. When social media offers the illusion that all of our friends are at all times living in constant relationship, silence is feared. Silence begins to take on the meaning of “missing out” or “loneliness.” When all the world is achatter but you are sitting quietly, it can be a fearful thing. Unfortunately so.

Our hearts are never searched and our lives are never evaluated. The constant flow of relationships and noise around us often distracts us from the most important thing in our lives: our heart and soul. The fear of solitude, the inability to disconnect, the lack of training in meditation, and the difficulty associated in looking deeply into our heart and soul means that we rarely do it. In a world where virtual relationships exist around-the-clock, the discipline to search our heart is rarely developed.

Despite the benefits, there is danger in constant relationship. We are wise to consider what they may be. And we neglect time alone at our own peril.

About Joshua Becker

Writer. Inspiring others to live more by owning less.WSJ Bestselling author of The More of Less.

Comments

Thoughtful – and also true. Last year when my Iphone was stolen I made the descision to not buying a new one and instead use my old spare phone without wifi and internet – just talk ans sms. A decsision I have not regret. I recommend you all to try it. Have a nice day! : )

I’ve never had a smart phone. Just a flip phone for short texting and actual conversations. People laugh at me all the time because of it. I know the important of being alone. Of not being connected to the world 24/7. It’s very much possible that illness, disease, mental anguish is connected to people’s lack of internal dialogue, solitude and quiet.

My work requires me to be out and about at different departments, away at trainings, etc. I already check in and out regularly via email and iMessage on my work provided iPad. But now I’m told I will be getting an iPhone to carry on me so I can be contacted at any time .. even though I don’t work in an emergency profession. They look at it as a reward for doing such great work, I’m told. But it’s not a reward to me. Just another burden.

I had this problem earlier this year. I was so stressed out at work and in my home life. It wasn’t until I noticed I had not taking alone time to just meditate for myself that things started changing. I made sure every morning I give myself 10 minutes of solid peace before getting ready in the morning. It has changed the energy in myself that the work and home stresses have disappeared. Thank you for sharing such a valuable tool to us!

After being laid-off from a hypersocial job, I spent 6 weeks between employment virtually alone.

At first, I frantically I saq friends every day, maybe twice to keep from being alone until I realized I had become overly-dependent on my work indentity and work friends. I had no longer embraced solitude and all of its benefits as I used to. In essence, I was extremely burned-out from being “on” and pretending to be extroverted for over a year.

After the epiphany, I deleted all of my social media accounts and started choosing alone time more than social engagements. Within a week I saw the benefits:

– mentally clearer, a “quieter” mind
– talked much less about people and more about ideas and theories
– websurfed less
– increased creativity: I picked a couple of side projects back up
– increased attention span
– increased book reading

But most importantly:

– decreased the need for other people’s approval. I sought less advice and instead turned to my inner compass for guidance. This increased confidence in my decision-making and self-reliance.

I’m a guy in my mid 20s living at home with my dad and sister. I work 40 to 50 hour weeks in a sales and service job (trying to save up to move out), Overall I’m a pretty social person on the outside, yet rather introverted and self conscious internally. At work, with friends and with family i’m known for being clever and enthusiastic, but I sometimes struggle with performance and social anxieties I keep bottled up. I definitely need moments alone to recharge, clear my head and have some decent chunks of time where I can think and live without the feeling of being constantly observed – or constantly being aware of someone else’s presence.

My dad works from home (he didn’t always) and doesn’t do a good job of separating his job, housework and leisure time. I love him, he’s a good guy and lets me stay under his roof, but can be annoying as hell to live with. Lately its been really hard to find those chunks of alone time because there’s always somebody home. I’ve communicated this to both my family, but they don’t really seem to get it. And It kinda bugs me that they don’t seem to appreciate the alone time they get while I’m working. In the last few weeks the stress has really started to take it’s toll and I feel a bit like a rat in a maze. Peace of mind, perspective, clarity – these are among the things I value most. But I also value the people in my life. And right now I’m pushing people away a bit because I’m not finding the time and space to really thrive and be my best self.

Yes, I totally agree with this. It took me a very long time to get a smartphone and I’m not that into social media. Unfortunately social media is something I must be quite comfortable with as I work in marketing and e-commerce. However, I try to make sure I spend a few hours a week with myself only – it’s the only way to make sure I have the time to do the things I am truly passionate about. And deep down inside I’m a loner, so I need a lot of time with myself.

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