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Have you ever sat at a table full of people in a restaurant and wanted to give them five across the eyes for the pointless dish they ordered? Many people are afraid to think outside the box and order boring, bland dishes instead of what the restaurant specializes in.

Grilled Cheese, WTF?:

Come on, really? Did you seriously just order a grilled cheese? Any half-wit can make a grilled cheese in minutes at home and not pay the $7 it will cost you at a restaurant. Grilled cheese is such a boring, bland comfort food. Doesn’t that nice, juicy burger for the same price look much more appetizing? If you really want a grilled cheese, go to a fast food joint where they will at least only burn $3 out of your wallet. The whole reason restaurants even put grilled cheese on the menu is because it costs them almost nothing to make, and they want something simple for kids and picky eaters. The reason they charge so much is because they don’t want you to order it. Ordering a grilled cheese sandwich is practically an insult to the chef.

Another boring chicken breast sandwich:

It doesn’t matter where you go or what you do, boneless chicken breast is bland and dry, so why order it at a restaurant? If you are that concerned about your health, then maybe you shouldn’t be eating out at restaurants at all. What’s so hard about throwing a chicken breast on a grill for a few minutes and sticking it on a store-bought bun? So what if it’s a dollar cheaper than any of the other sandwiches. You are eating out to enjoy yourself, so be frugal with that extra buck and get something worthwhile.

Baked barbecue hell:

This is one huge no-no. Don’t order any bbq unless it’s a bbq restaurant with a pile of wood out back. If the restaurant doesn’t specialize in barbecue, you will end up with a dried up, tough, and tasteless piece of meat with a disgusting sugared-down, tangy barbecue sauce. Unlike the Nike commercial, just don’t do it. There are plenty of good bbq places in and around the city, so don’t waste your time ordering it at a place that doesn’t specialize in it. The whole point of barbecue is the smokiness.

Just a side salad for the lady:

Are you seriously that insecure about your looks that you feel the need to fool everybody by ordering a side salad only to make yourself look like a healthy eater? Well I got news for you sister; now I think you are anorexic! That ranch dressing you ordered with your pile of iceberg lettuce and two tomato slices makes it an unhealthy dish, so try some real food next time – it’s much more attractive.

I think I will just have the soup:

Why don’t you just be honest with yourself and say, “I think I will just be a cheap skate.” Unless you are eating at a place that specializes in soup, you will look foolish only ordering soup.

Can I have some ketchup and A1 sauce?:

No, no, and no! If you add ketchup or A1 sauce to any food at a restaurant, you will be destroying the flavor. Steak sauce is an abomination to steak, and ketchup is only acceptable for dipping your fries in. Here’s a tip: don’t order your freakin meat well done and you won’t need the nasty steak sauce! On a side note, Heinz 57 is also an abomination.

Oh, the Salisbury steak looks good:

Why don’t you just go commit a felony and get locked up in prison. Salisbury steak is nothing but cheap, disgusting prison-style food. There is nothing appetizing about a piece of smashed up low-grade beef smothered in beef boullion and water.

Hey, let’s go to Applebees for dinner:

This one applies to all big national chain restaurants. All those places like Panda Express, Fridays, Chilis, and Applebees get their food straight from a factory. Do you really want to put manufactured goods and strange chemicals in your body? Not to mention, these places usually charge more than a real restaurant. If you like the taste of two year old food, xanthan gum, and preservatives then maybe you should just take your lame palate to one of these places.

Give me an open-faced turkey sandwich:

I’m sorry, but do you live in a retirement home? This isn’t The Great Depression, so why are you ordering food they only serve in retirement homes, schools, and correctional institutions? Paying $9 for a piece of Wonder Bread with a couple slices of turkey and chicken boullion gravy is just plain insanity. Don’t forget to order the boxed potatoes with it!

For an entrée, I think I will have the cheese quesadillas:

Don’t get me wrong, quesadillas are awesome and make a great appetizer, but the price is a rip-off and unless these are some totally amazing, exotic quesadillas. Why would you order them as your main course? It’s just cheese melted in a tortilla, but yet places charge $9 for two of them. Quesadillas as a main course is a scam, so don’t buy into it!

What a fancy Italian restaurant, I will have the spaghetti and meatballs:

Italian restaurants can sometimes have the most amazing, out of this world pasta dishes you will find anywhere. With dozens of varieties to choose from, why are you wasting your time ordering the most boring pasta dish of them all? Save yourself the $20 and boil some noodles with a jar of Ragu if you want spaghetti that bad. Save the real pasta dishes for those that will appreciate them.

I’d like some garlic bread for an appetizer:

What a huge scam! How restaurants get away with charging $4 for a piece of bread with butter and garlic is beyond me. Most of the time, they take shortcuts using margarine and garlic powder anyway. Garlic bread should be complementary. If it isn’t, then don’t buy it!

There is more to cooking than just frying or baking. There are many different cooking methods and each does something different to your food. For the best results, you need to choose the right method for what you are cooking. The different cooking methods fall into 3 categories: dry-heat, moist heat and a combination of the two.

Dry-heat cooking methods

Broiling – the food is cooked from a heat source overhead.

Grilling – the food is cooked from a heat source below.

Roasting – the food is surrounded by dry, heated air in a closed environment. Roasting is usually used for meats.

Baking – this method is the same as roasting, but the term is used when working with fish, fruits, pastries, bread, and vegetables.

Sauteing – this method uses conduction and a little bit of fat. This means that heat from a heated pan is transferred to the food. The fat helps with the process.

Pan-frying – this method is similar to sautéing, but it uses more fat and the food is usually covered in breadcrumbs or a coating of something similar.

Deep-frying – as the name suggests, it is frying food in deep fat. The food is submerged.

Moist-heat cooking methods

Poaching – this method has to do with submerging food in a liquid for a short amount of time at a certain temperature. Food that is often poached are eggs, fish, and fruit.

Simmering – this method is used for food that is not tender and needs to be made less tough. It requires slow and long periods of cooking.

Boiling – this method uses convection within the liquid that the food is submerged in. Pasta, rice, and potatoes are usually boiled.

Steaming – the food is cooked through direct contact with the steam. This method is used with tender and delicately flavored foods. Fish and vegetables are often steamed. This method is considered healthier than most other ones.

Braising – this method is usually associated with meat. The meat is cooked in liquid that covers it between a third and a half.

Stewing – this is used for smaller pieces of meat. The meat is submerged in liquid and then simmered.

With these definitions, you should be able to choose what method suits your ingredients best.

Cooking food at home can be a fantastic experience. Trying new things and getting something right you haven’t made before, feels great. To be the best cook at home you can be, there are a few essentials that your kitchen needs. Our essential kitchen tools are:

Food Processor – Cutting, chopping, grinding, and shredding. You will need to do all these things at some point when cooking. A food processor is an absolute must to make that easier.

Salt shaker and pepper grinder – Everything you cook, must have some salt and pepper. Invest in a nice pair of these essentials that will last long.

Colander – Essential for washing salad ingredients and for rinsing pasta and rice.

Sieve – This is specifically for baking. You need to sift flour to make it fine. The finer, the better the end product.

Cast-iron skillet – This is one of the most versatile items you must have in your kitchen. You can cook almost anything in it. You can use it on top of the stove or in the oven. No kitchen is complete without it.

Knives – Knives of all sorts and sizes. You need serrated knives, knives for meat, bread, and vegetable cutting. You will use these a lot, so invest in a good quality set.

Potato peeler – This one is kind of obvious. You need to peel those potatoes before making them into lovely meals.

Cutting board – You want a good quality, heavy duty cutting board. They can be somewhat pricey, but it is worth the investment.

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Who We Are

HG Jones is a food fundi that loves food. He goes bananas every time he goes near a kitchen. He likes experimenting with food combinations and he loves to try out new things. This blog educates his readers on cooking methods and things you need to be a good cook. Anyone can cook if they have the right attitude and tools.