Business

United Airlines, who stupidly took responsibility for the treatment of unruly jerk passenger Dr. David Dao, has reportedly reached a settlement with Dao, but the outcome is not what most people expected.

According to an anonymous source close to the negotiations, Dr. Dao received only the originally offered $800, and a free flight to anywhere in the continental United States.

“David knew that he was at fault here,” said the source. “Yes, the airline has a stupid policy, but he knew he still mouthed off to cops, and didn’t simply leave the plane like the other passengers that were asked to do so. He caused a scene, and was a total prick in the situation. He knew all that, so when United offered the $800 they had originally promised when bumping him, he jumped at the opportunity before they took it away completely.”

The full details of the settlement are under wraps, but the source says that he is “100% positive” of the details, but Dr. Dao was forced to sign a Non-Disclosure Agreement.

Easter marks the beginning of spring where chickens lay eggs and millions consume Cadbury eggs. The company-sponsored eater egg hunt is one of the biggest int he world, and many religious groups gathered to protest the celebration they claim has “gone all to Hell.”

Over 300,000 children attended this year’s hunt, held in over 250 locations across the UK. Instead of calling it the “Easter Egg Trail” like in years past, the event was called “Great British Egg Hunt.”

The Church of England released a statement saying the Cadbury is “Taking a flaming steamer on Easter, on Jesus, and British decency.” Many plan to “defend God and Easter” by complaining to anyone who will listen, but still allowing their children to take part in the festivities.

Some claim homosexual leadership at Cadbury is to blame. “All those flamers in charge of the celebration want to take out all the Lord and leave all the flamboyancy. It is a disgrace. The next generations going to be a bunch of Elton Johns, you mark my words,” said Parker Wood, a chimneysweep and concerned citizen on the street.

Cadbury spokesperson Maxwell Wancheur says they never meant to offend anyone. “The Cadbury Bunny only cares about chocolate the innocence of childhood, and well…cash.” Many feel that those who are offended by the name change are over-reacting, as bunnies and eggs are remnants of pagan traditions, and have nothing to do with Jesus anyway.

Wiccan mother of three, Clara Potter, says she will bring her kids to the festival every year no matter what they call it. “It comes down to one thing: free candy.”

President Donald Trump has rung the death toll for the Cable News Network. According to recently filed documents, the once mega-giant news channel will be losing their FCC licenses, forcing them to stop broadcast on April 1. The blow comes after Trump declared the company ‘fake news,’ and blacklisted them from attending White House press conferences.

“CNN is the worst network on television today, and nothing they say about me is true,” said President Trump. “The only network worth watching is Fox News. They are true. They say true things, and they say the best things. CNN is the worst, and everything they say is fake news.”

After Trump declared the channel to be fake news, their ratings plummeted to the lowest in cable television history, with only around 100 to 150 people even tuning into the channel on a daily basis.

“We are saddened that Trump has chosen our network to the be the scapegoat for his War on Truth,” said CNN head Carl Nelson. “Because of his lies about our network, we have lost our licenses, and lost our ability to broadcast. Effective April 1st, we will no longer be on the air.”

Nelson says they are trying to convince the FCC that they should be allowed to continue broadcasting, but the FCC says that they are “not interested” in listening to any fake news, either.

“President Trump has informed us that CNN should not be listened to, so we’re not going to,” said FCC chairman Joel Winters. “We’re a government agency. We do what we’re told. I’m not losing my job over this shit.”

The Girls Scouts of America have officially been given the ‘green light’ to begin selling marijuana edible cookies in states where the drug has been legalized. Starting in April of 2017, Girl Scout troupes in Maine, Colorado, Massachusetts, and Washington D.C., among others, will be able to sell edibles.

“Our cookies have long been a favorite of stoners nationwide,” said Girl Scouts of America president Jane Marshall. “With the legalization of recreational marijuana in several states, we decided it was time to really open ourselves up to the marijuana community. That is why we created two new products to be sold in legalized states.”

Marshall says that they will be creating Samosas and Thin Mints, their top-selling cookies, that are infused with the marijuana plant.

“These cookies will be made available only to adults, aged 21 or older, and they will only be available for purchase through the parents of a Girl Scout troupe. The children themselves will not be able to sell or consume these cookies,” said Marshall. “We are very happy with how these cookies have come out, and we think they will be a huge boost to the fundraising these girls do every year.”

Yearly sales of Girl Scout Cookies total approximately $700 million. This year, the plan is to surpass the $1 billion mark.

Although many people consider Walmart to be the epitome of an “evil corporation,” no one can say that they’re not completely in touch with what people want. The company announced today that in several states, including Colorado, Maine, and Washington D.C., the company would begin selling marijuana seeds and seedling plants to consumers who are over 21.

“Most of these states have the same or similar laws when it comes to owning marijuana plants,” said company spokesperson Rebecca Brent. “As an adult over 21, you can have several plants, and you can grow even more. We already sell alcohol, and our employees are trained to ask for ID for anyone under 40 for controlled substances. Heck, we even card for R-rated movies like some company out of the dark ages. So selling marijuana will not add any sort of hinderance on our employees, and will be a great way to tap into a new market of potential customers.”

Surprisingly, there are very few protests about the company dipping into the weed trade, even from government officials.

“If Walmart is adhering to the laws, gaining proper licensure, then there’s no reason I can see for any fuss to be made,” said Charlie Connors, a representative for the Governor’s office in Maine. “We are allowing small businesses to sell, and we are allowing adults to purchase. I do not see why there is any issue with Walmart, the largest retailer in the world, from selling either.”

Brent says that if the seed and seedling sales go well, it’s possible that Walmart will branch into smaller locations that will only sell marijuana and paraphernalia.

“We were thinking of calling those smaller stores Wal-Greens, but as it turns out, that’s pretty much taken,” said Brent. “We are really excited about moving forward with such a great product launch, though.”

Brent says that they will add new aisles into Walmart locations that will be selling. The marijuana products will be located, naturally, next to the potato chip and soda aisle.

WWE Chairman Vince McMahon announced today that he has tapped President Donald Trump to appear at Wrestlemania 33 in Orlando, Florida on April 2nd.

Trump, who had a long story arch in the WWE in the 90s and was entered into the WWE Wrestling Hall of Fame in 2013, says that he is “extremely excited” to get back in the ring.

“It was one of the best times of my life, attacking Vince McMahon and appearing on their Pay-Per-View events,” said Trump. “Vince and I, we’ve been friends a long time. Rivals in the world of business, but friends all the same. When he asked me to return, I wasn’t sure it was the best thing to do, because I’ve got a lot going on right now, but this is a yuge opportunity and will be a lot of fun for me, and hopefully for the Wrestlemania crowd in Orlando. I have no problem taking a steel chair to the face, as long as that chair was made by the United Steel Workers Union here in the great country I call home – the United States of America.”

“We are very excited that Donnie will be coming back in,” said McMahon in a press release posted to WWE.com. “He has always been a friend to this company, to the wrestling world, to the world of Sports Entertainment, and as an honored member of the Hall of Fame, we are very excited to have him appear at Wrestlemania 33.”

Neither McMahon nor Trump have indicated in what capacity the latter would be appearing, but McMahon did drop a hint that he hoped Trump wouldn’t have any problem getting color.

An Uber driver in Indianapolis is being sued by a couple who had to deliver their baby on the street after they say the driver would not let them into his car.

“We ordered an Uber as soon as my wife went into labor, and when the driver showed up, late I might add, he wouldn’t take us to the hospital. He didn’t want to get any ‘baby gunk’ on his seats, and said he wouldn’t know what to do if he had to try and deliver the baby,” said John Richards. “My wife gave birth right on the sidewalk instead. Our baby could have caught something from the street filth!”

The driver, Mr. Tony Trims, says that there was “no fucking way” he was letting these people into his car when he saw that the woman was in labor.

“Look, I ain’t saying they’re bad people or nothing, but for sure she was gonna leak on my seats. Part of the Uber policy is that I don’t have to pick up anyone if I don’t want to. I took the job, yeah, but the next guy would have been along in about a minute,” said Trims. “They spent that time bitchin’ at me instead of ordering another Uber. Not my problem.”

The lawsuit has been filed by the Richards family, and they say that their lawyer thinks they have a “hell of” a discrimination case.

A mother in Boston who bought each of her 7 children the year’s hottest toy, a Hatchimal, says the creatures had been mostly speaking gibberish when first opened on Christmas morning, but over the last week, have started saying some “truly disturbing things.”

“These Hatchimals are basically just like those old Ferby toys, remember those?” said Carla Jones, 28. “I had one of those when I was a kid. They spoke in random gibberish. Well, these Hatchimals, they did too mostly. But then the other day, I noticed that my youngest son, Tyler, who is 4, started saying some horrible things. I asked him where he learned those words, and he pointed to his Hatchimal.”

Jones was asked if the words could be repeated for print, and she said “she didn’t think they should be said,” but wanted to make sure that other parents knew what these “dangerous toys” were teaching their children.

“If it was only something as simple as it saying ‘fuck’ or something, then I’d be okay with that. They hear that kind of talk on Sesame Street these days, for crying out loud,” said Jones. “No, it was much more sinister. I’m honestly having a hard time saying the words, but truly, everyone should know. These Hatchimals, they taught my son to say ‘Donald Trump will make a great president.’ OH MY GOD I can’t believe I said it. It’s so sick.”

Empire News reached out the company behind Hatchimals, but received no response.

The government has already been forcing American citizens to carry a form of health insurance, despite rising costs and crippling debt that we’re all faced with. Now, Congress plans to enact a new law that would also force everyone to have a life insurance policy.

“This is really and truly for the benefit of the people, and will only help in the long run,” said Congressman Bill Knowles. “People are dying every single day, and no one can afford to bury them. They can’t afford the funeral costs, and they can’t afford the bills left behind. By forcing everyone to have life plans, it will alleviate a lot of headaches.”

The life insurance companies say they are “thrilled” by this news, as many of them had seen a drastic decrease in sign-ups over the last several years.

“We haven’t signed anyone up for a life plan in about 6 weeks,” said Raymond Booth, owner of a small life insurance company in Idaho. “We partner with some big names, but I just can’t get anyone interested. No one wants to think about dying, and they don’t care what kind of mess they leave behind for their family. Thanks to this bill, though, I’m going to be rolling in it very soon!”

The bill is set to be voted on after winter break, when Congress resumes on January 20th.

Comcast, one of the nation’s largest cable companies, says that their annual price increase will take effect on January 1st, and customers can expect to see rates jump by nearly 400%.

Mark Lemon, who has Comcast internet but not cable, says he isn’t at all surprised.

“I used to pay about $100 a month for cable and internet,” said Lemon. “It really wasn’t horrible. Then last year, they upped that price to nearly $300 for the same package, so I cut down to just internet, and I bootleg everything I want to watch from TV. Works great!”

Comcast says that people like Lemon are to blame for the price increases.

“If everyone just came back to cable, and stopped cutting the cord, and stopped illegally downloading movies and shows, we could lower the cost again. I mean we could – we definitely wouldn’t, but we could,” said Comcast spokesman Derek Jones. “But, because we’re down to only a couple of people who have cable packages, we really need to hike this price up to make a profit.”

Jones says that customer who normally pay around $75-$100 a month for just cable should see those prices hit somewhere around $400-$600, depending on their chosen package.