A letter received by our agony aunt

After 30 years with my husband I feel like I need a new start, but he doesn’t feel the same way, and now I can’t get rid of him.

I married my current husband in a rather speedy manner after my previous husband, god rest his soul, was shot by a neighbour who objected to the rather oppressive manner in which my former husband dealt with my neighbour’s plants.

My current husband seemed a little dull and to be honest seemed to lack enthusiasm for tying the knot but I was thinking about my kids so the union went ahead. I learnt to put up with his penchant for inappropriate jokes and the hair dye spilt all over the bathroom once a month. He soon developed a taste for the husband role however and within weeks was preventing me from meeting in groups larger than five and locking me up in our bedroom for weeks without telling anyone where I was if I criticised his taste in shirts.

I also had to contend with his sons from his first marriage, one of whom is an insipid streak of bald shite and the other a football-mad idiot. His ex-wife is no better, always trotting around with her handbag and her perfect hair going on about the importance of everyone reading.

Still I put up with him because whenever I even thought about criticising him his friend Safwat would come round and make me a cup of tea and whisper how he would be happy to “whisk me away from my troubles in no time at all”.

Things went along like this for years until recently when my husband stopped buying stuff for the house and my kids went hungry and every time they complained he’d beat them up and get his mate Habib to lock them in the shed. Whenever I complained he’d go on about how I better shut up because he has friends all over the world especially America and one of them owns a gun shop and if I open my mouth again he’ll get a gun and shoot me in the knees.

Things changed drastically when my next door neighbour chucked her fella out and I realised that I didn’t have to take my husband’s shit anymore. My kids took over the garden, preventing him from getting to his vegetable patch, and burnt down his shed. When Habib and Safwat came round and tried to get them to leave they sprayed them with fertilizer and made them fuck off.

My husband then tried a new tactic by getting his mates from the pub to surround the garden and lob rocks on us. We resisted, and they got bored and buggered off. So then my husband started spreading rumours about me on Facebook, saying that I sleep with men for take away meals, especially fried chicken and chips from Kentucky. That didn’t work, so then he got his mates to beat up any one who came near my house and got people from the Neighbourhood Watch to join in.

Two weeks later and all this failed. My kids are still in the garden going strong and my husband has still not fucked off. Now he’s got his friend Omar to intercede but to be honest, Omar gives me the creeps and I hear that he had a dodgy past.

Please advise me how the fuck I get the message across to this turd on legs that he is no longer wanted.