Tuesday, July 27, 2010

A conversation I had the other day furthered the fact that it's the not-so-good guys that give ACTUAL good guys a bad name.

Thinking about this reminded me of someone; someone I don't know very well at all. We met under weird circumstances on what was sadly a pretty nasty night for me.

Does everyone remember the final hockey game at this past Olympics? Of course you do. Well, I do too.

The game was awesome. The city of Toronto absolutely came alive for it. You could practically taste the excitement.

But after the game? For me, shit went downhill. Since specific details are not necessarily needed for the point of this story, I'm gonna keep them out. In some ways it was one of the worst nights I've had. Ever.

Let's just say people were drunk, purposefully nasty things were said, worse things were done, and this here blogger stood in the street bawling her eyes out. I had never felt so hurt and shocked by words - I ran away from the person I was with and stalked up the road with them shouting after me. I went past my apartment building. Instead of going home, I went to a pub.

Ignoring calls and messages, I sat at the bar. For the first time in my entire life, I had a pint by myself. I tried to calm myself down while watching the Closing Ceremonies. A guy came and sat in the empty seat beside me; there were a few others there and we all sat in silence, watching the TVs.

Eventually he started talking. Asked if I had watched the game. I had. Asked if i liked it. I did.

As we continued to talk, we learned that we had a lot in common. Liked the same music, among other things. Talked about relationships; how mine had just ended and why it was sad and complicated. He lived with his girlfriend, but could relate because he was breaking up with her the next day, apparently.

He said "I have to see you again. I have to."

I said I wasn't so sure.

He more or less begged. Said I was exactly what he wanted in a girl, everything he wished his soon-to-be-ex could be. He may or may not have had a few choice words about my ex letting a "girl like me" go.

Red flag, right?

We exchanged numbers, although I was very reluctant. Then we went outside and had a cigarette and I said I had to leave. I was uncomfortable, and still reeling from the evening I had.

As I started to leave, he pulled me in for a hug. When I pulled away, he quickly kissed me.

I said, "Look. You have a girlfriend. I'm going home to an ex-boyfriend that I still live with. This can't happen. It isn't fair to them, and it's not what I'm looking for."

I left.

When I got home, only the dogs were there to greet me. I tried to sleep so I could avoid dissecting the entire messed up night.

The texts started. The guy from the bar started sending messages telling me that I was beautiful, that he wanted to see me the next day, that I was amazing, that I was his perfect woman, etc. Imagining his girlfriend obliviously lying alone in bed like I was, while he was up the street sending me these messages... I erased him from my phone. I refused to be a part of that.

Eventually he got the hint.

As far as I know, he never did break up with her. She never knew he wanted to. I honestly feel for this girl that I'll never meet.

He, and others, are just part of that list of guys who give the real, honest and wonderful men, a very bad name.

So men... when we lack trust, or seem a bit unsure? Forgive us. We've had to deal with guys like this for way too long.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Miss (Forced) Positive Thinking has been doin' ok these days, for the most part.

It's a combination of ignorance, pretend oblivion, newfound lack of caring about certain things and a sense of "Waitasec... I'm so much better than this!" And KA-BLAM! - instant boost. Maybe it's not the right way to do things, but I'll take it.

So it's been four months since I moved back to Niagara. Perhaps I misjudged my li'l hometown trip, because it definitely didn't end after two months.

I'm not going to beat myself up about that any longer. Some things are beyond my control, and I've yet to give up. Imagine that!

And so, I'm branching out a little bit. Alongside my search for full-time Toronto writing jobs, I've also decided to go back to freelancing but push it further. A lot further.

A spiffy new pro website is in the works and its main purpose will be to sell your Shamble-y Rambler friend to folks who require services of the writing variety. A lot of advertising/PR/marketing companies and small businesses need writers, but not on a full-time basis. Contract work, projects, part-time gigs... I'm looking at you.

Let's see how this goes.

Of course, since I'm putting this out to the public, I'll probably find a full-time job tomorrow. In that case, pretend this post never existed.

(Pssst.... that probably won't happen. So remember me if you have any contacts or writing needs. My long-distance relationship with the city of Toronto thanks you in advance for trying to get us together again. Aw.)

And that's the extent of my professional update.

As for my personal life?

Well, a girl's gotta have her secrets. And this girl wouldn't quite know where to start...

Friday, July 23, 2010

My brain is currently working on a million existing-yet-non-existent projects at the moment.

Because of this, channeling it to focus on one subject is just about impossible.

So instead we have a Friday Post of Random Past Stuff.

Mmmkay?

So I did it again. Went back and read some old blog posts.

This time I went back to the summer of '08. When I moved to Toronto and was trying to make it my own. It's giving me more of a push to do it again - but this time? Better.

Come along for a trip down memory lane (actually, it's more of a highway...). If there's too much reading involved, hey - I understand. School's out; Alice told me.

Blast-o From The Past-o # 1: Ah, Joey. One of my favourite songs ever. And I still love it, although I lived it in some ways. Concrete Blonde - you were underrated. (The Vampire Song? The best.)

Blast-o From The Past-o #2: Agoraphobia, or something like it. I remember exactly how I felt at the time. It was strange, and I felt like a stranger. Luckily, it passed. Go figure that I'd give anything to be back in that 'hood, only under very different circumstances; a different situation entirely. I'm not the same person.

Blast-o From The Past-o #3: With a few minor (major) changes, this post could be about me right now. sorta. But it's been awhile since I posed drunk beside a recycling bin.

Here's a song I listened to a lot in 07/08. I sing it too loud and too often, and I am unapologetic.

Apparently it's not about love - it's about not being in love, and not caring. But hey, it's catchy!

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

I wasn't going to mention it on this very public blog, for fear of catty comments from the peanut gallery. And frankly, it really is no one's business but my own. But then I recalled all the emails and messages I've received from people who could relate to my posts about depression, and that it helped them to know that someone else felt the same. So why stop now?

I meant to go into counseling about 5 years ago. There are many years of events and issues that have built up in a very bad way. Put 'em together with present ones and, as you've read, I hit a breaking point. Not so good, Al.

Will it help? I can't be sure. But it's worth a shot. Some people swear by it. Putting everything out there to a stranger with no opinions, no bias, and no judgement? Yeah. I'm in. Luckily she's well-stocked with Kleenex.

Thankfully, after this particular session, I'll be meeting up with friends for a night of fun. It's all part of my "Awesometastic New Year o' Bein' Happy".

With that, I leave you all with one of my favourite songs. I may not be a huge Rolling Stones fan necessarily, but the songs I likes? I likes 'em a lot.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Whether you want it or not, this post is chock full o' pictures of people you probably don't know.

But ya should. Cuz they're fantastic.

Leah & I headed up to Toronto on Friday for a weekend of birthday festivities.

Shanghai Cowgirl became our weekend brunch destination. Without the coffee, there's a chance that neither of us would be alive right now.

Went to visit the Chimp & the Bear and to meet the most beautiful bundle of baby I've ever seen. Welcome to the world (a few weeks ago), TJ - Aunt K is gonna TRY not to corrupt you.

I said try.

No Chimp/Bear/Baby visit is complete without the greatest sheps ever. Daisy, you seein' these guys? Prepare to be flanked by 'em during High Park walks. Lucky bitch.

Saturday night was a birthday shindig of sorts at (where else?) the Rhino. I have to thank everyone who came out - I'm lucky to know some seriously great people. And my new infant boyfriend TJ even made an appearance. His parents are cool, what can I say?

My beautiful girls.

When you become incapable of taking pictures in which you look even half-human, you know you're "Birthday Drunk".

See? Birthday Drunk.

Birthday Drunkface aside, I love this picture. I surely do.

What's this? Drunken singalong time? Sure, twist my arm....

Thanks for letting us crash your place til 8am, Alex. Sorry that your eardrums may be ruined for life after we drunkenly butchered some tunes. Shambled & Rambled Kris was not feeling so alive the next morning. Re-counting the shots and bottles of 50, she now realizes why.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

When I first started this blog, I thought I'd mainly have music posts. I thought my obsession with music would be all I had to write about on here.

Stupid life, getting in the way of that. Rawr.

I haven't even been posting "Random Songs o' the Day" to Facebook lately. This must be rectified.

So here are a few tunes that spark up some clear memories.

Joy Division - She's Lost Control

A couple of years ago, C and I watched Control, the movie about Ian Curtis from Joy Division. While the movie made me unsure of whether I loved or hated Curtis, it definitely re-ignited and multiplied my love for Joy Division.

We became a bit obsessed for awhile; we'd throw the songs on and dance around the living room til the dog started barking. Joy Division, and this song in particular, reminds of dancing like an idiot during happier times in Pdale.

Fleetwood Mac - Dreams

This, and all Fleetwood Mac, reminds me of family trips up north. It especially reminds me of my Dad, who is the reason that my sister and I know probably every word to the entire Rumours album.

Fleetwood Mac makes me think of when I was really young and happy to be on these trips away. I loved the long drives and my Dad's mixed tapes. I loved the bonfires, singing along to my Dad playing guitar.

I love Fleetwood Mac. I just do.

Nirvana - Breed

Nirvana reminds me of a grade 8 trip to Ottawa. On the bus, everyone was listening to their favourite pop tunes and it was making me insane. So I put on my headphones and listened to Nirvana (and some other bands, but there was a lot of Nirvana at that time). I remember some of my classmates making fun of me for my music taste. They didn't understand anything beyond Top 40.

Years later, those same people who made fun of me would come and ask me about bands. Kids can be dumb.

Bend Folds - The Luckiest

I was never a big Ben Folds fan. I'm still not, save for a few songs.

But this song? Well.

A few months ago it popped up on my mom's computer (she was on a wedding website for a family friend). I freaked out, screamed at her to shut it off. She couldn't, so I locked myself in my bedroom.

I was not expecting this song to make me act like that.

But it did. This song transports me to a happier, albeit very temporary, place. And so I still will not listen to it.

But you can.

Instead, I'm going to go listen to Zeppelin II and pretend to be Robert Plant.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Sometimes when I'm bored or waiting for something, I go back and read old blog posts. I like to see what I was up to a year ago, or a couple of years ago. See how things have changed, or how they haven't at all.

2008 and 2009 were rough. I had high hopes for 2010, I really did. That post says it all. But hey, guess what? 2010 has been pretty nasty. Colour me unimpressed by the amount of bullshit the past 7 months have held.

And so, I've (obviously) given up hope for an amazing 2010. Instead, I'm switching focus.

In a week, I'll be turning 27. A new age, a new year, a new start.

I vow, here and now on this blah blah blog, to make it great. To make ME great.

27, you will be my bitch. You will be the year that changes everything, for the better. Starting next week, perspective and attitude will change. Things will get better, because I will not allow for any other possibility. 'Nuff said.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Every time I visit Toronto (which has been pretty regular since I came back to St. Catharines), I somehow always end up in both of the neighbourhoods I lived in while I was there.

I lived in Parkdale, and then the good ol' Gay Village for a year or so each.

So whenever I'm back, I relive a lot of memories. And both places hold very different ones for me.

Being in The Village quite literally makes my stomach hurt. I do my best to shake it off, but it always happens. I made a lot of great friends and do have a lot of wonderful memories there. But the bad ones seem to always take over and haunt me. It's brought me to tears more than once, just by being there.

It's pretty difficult to be in The Village without seeing my old apartment building, and that just makes things worse. There's a lot of pain associated with those streets and familiar places. Really vivid memories and feelings that will hopefully fade over time. Unfortunately, they're mixed with new ones and new information and new realizations. For all the love and happiness and good times, it was pain I felt when I left.

My chest is tightening, just thinking about it.

But then there's Parkdale. Oh, the west end.

Every time I'm walking up Queen West, or having a 50 with friends at The Rhino, I literally feel at home. It feels familiar and comfortable, and I tend to see a lot of familiar faces.

Parkdale reminds me of a new start, because it's the first Toronto neighbourhood I lived in. It's where I first visited C, first made all of my Toronto friends, and where I became somebody different. I built a new life there, with a new family and circle around me.

Parkdale had its hardships; many of them. Nothing was ever easy for us. But I feel so much better there. Hopeful.

I feel like me. A stronger me.

And that's why I always say that when I move back to Toronto (which, again, will hopefully be soon), I'm headed straight for the west end. People like to give me flack for it; they don't understand why.

But it's about being happy.

And I want to be where I feel good.

I honestly cannot wait to feel good again, for longer than a fleeting moment.

Oh, the stories. I honestly wouldn't know where to start. And some things that happen at Pride stay at Pride, unless caught on a stranger's camera and then posted on YouTube and the 6:00 news.

So let's see. What can I share?

Here's a rundown:

Worked. Danced. Sweated. Hit the Rhino on Friday. Had a pretty killer hotel room all weekend. Saw some of my favourite people I haven't seen in awhile. Was followed to my hotel by a straight man who said and did the creepiest shit to me (my fault for walking home alone at night, I guess). Saw less naked people than last year. Sprayed people with my giant Water Gun o' Awesomeness. Was soaked all Sunday afternoon like I was trying to win a Wet Tshirt Contest (which I would never, ever win). Yelled and screamed a bit too much. Kicked BigFoot in the junk. Did. Not. Sleep.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

So Happy Canada Day to my fellow canucks. Drinks some beers and wear some red.

I'm gearing up for Toronto Pride this weekend, which I will be working.

I'm hoping for some fun distractions.

Speaking of distractions - here's a new video blog. I tried my very best to not be a Sad Sack o' Crap like I am over at the sister blog, but I don't know if my acting classes from years ago ever taught me much.

Here's hopin'.

Enjoy. Or don't. Just watch and pretend that we're best friends, goshdarnit!