After indicting former Penn Basketball coach Jerome Allen for accepting bribes to recruit a student, the Department of Justice set their sights on another case, this one involving Tate Dentworth (W '20), the only member of the men’s swim team who wears flotation devices when competing.

Mueller has taken since 2017 to write his report. People have set due dates for it time and time again since then, but has it been released? No. Take your time, girl. Honestly, who’s to say Mueller hasn’t been watching reruns of Friends, too?

The University of Pennsylvania has made a promise to its students and staff that there will be zero tolerance for admissions officers and coaches who take bribes from the families of prospective students. Therefore, in an effort to combat the temptation of bribes, Penn has vowed to give its entire administration $500,000 raises.

Your jacket is taken from you by a bouncer, even though you do not have a real shirt on underneath.
A: You grow a new jacket and (score!) it's made of cotton candy.
B: You pretend you have a skin disease, and the bouncer begrudgingly returns your jacket to you.

Many students were surprised to learn that the mascot — a fictional, generic caricature of a Quaker man — and actual Penn founder Ben Franklin had any relationship in University lore, much less one with a sexual dimension. Most were unaware they existed in the same literary universe at all.

“I was sitting on a bench for a while just watching this poor girl get rejected over and over again. It was so sad. She only had one copy left and was clearly desperately trying to get rid of it, so finally I just I decided I had to take it from her."