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Maker of love, babies and fine cabinetry Robert J. Baumann passes along what follows, which is, as the title of this breathless dispatch suggests, Bartolo Colón surrounded by a colon …

Sure, we could have spared you the distressing visuals and instead surrounded Mr. Colón by the punctuational colon (pictured here: :, with this text added in advance of the closing parenthesis so as not to inflict an emoticon upon the unsuspecting reader), but we at NotGraphs have never been one to shy away from the visceral and corporeal. So what you see is Bartolo Colón surrounded by a human colon, the disemboweled colon of David Appelman, it turns out.

Did Bartolo Colón somehow vanquish David Appelman? Of course not. David Appelman, in the service of human amusements, ripped out his own colon, placed it around Bartolo Colón’s neck in a perfect and ceremonial double-windsor knot, polished off a vast belt of scotch and a plate of gorilla legs, and then punched his way out of the county jail.