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I know it doesn’t seem like an exciting topic to blog about, but just wait. Did you know T Mobile has sound effects for your phone? Sure you did. Did you know that they have over 10 different “bodily functions” options…mostly involving burping and farting noises? Now this might not seem all that great to you, but boy, did the 8 year old in me get super excited!

While I’m sure BIG FART is pretty much a classic and LONG CONTINUOUS FARTING has some major potential, I just had to go with the classy sounding: WET FART MONTAGE. I mean, doesn’t a sound collage of wet farts sound classier (and way more hilarious) than just a boring old MEDIUM FART?

I thought so too. So I ponied up my $1.99 and got me a WET FART MONTAGE ringer for my phone. Oh God, you should hear it! It’s all, “PPPPPFFFFFFTTTTTTTTT…PPPFFTT…PPPFFFTTTTTTTT!” My buddy and I spent about 20 minutes listening to my “FART FONE”….at work. Right out there on the floor. Granted, we’re not saving lives at the record store, but it was nice to stick it to the man by giggling over fart noises for almost a half hour on the clock. Take that, the man!

Once The Wife found out about THE FART FONE, she was less than enthused or amused that I spent $1.99 on a fart. I tried to explain that it wasn’t just a fart, but a WET FART MONTAGE.
A montage…you know…that makes it classy. She wasn’t buying it.

That was until THE FART PHONE went off in the truck on the way home….and being the perfect wife that she is, she laughed right along with her immature husband all through the whole montage of wet farts.

I wasn’t planning on blogging today, but sometimes you just have to share.

I was poking around on she eats (the link is to your right, on the blogroll…no, down…Christ, it’s in alphabetical order…sheesh, do I have to do everything for you? she eats link)….anyway, I was poking around on she eats, just following some links she provided, and then, BAM! I saw this:

The Wife and I were driving home from work, listening to a cool little story on All Things Considered. (I know what you’re thinking, “Oh, how Thirtysomething of you.” Well, whatever…I am 35 for Christ’s sake.)

Anyway, Michele Norris was interviewing Jennifer 8 Lee about her upcoming book, THE FORTUNE COOKIE CHRONICLES. I was all into the segment right up until Michelle, in her oh-so-perfect NPR voice, says:

“Hm, the Lake Wobegon Effect in a fortune cookie.”

I jammed on the brakes and screamed at The Wife, “What did she just say? Did she say what I think she said? Lake fucking Wobegon?!”

I guess I should take a second and stress…I HATE LAKE WOBEGON….I mean, what in the Hell gives that toad faced, human sleeping pill, Garrison Keillor, the nerve to have an Effect named after his little fictional town?! Argh!

And what the fuck is “THE LAKE WOBEGON EFFECT?!” Is there really such a thing? The answer is, “YES!”

You’ve got to be kidding me. Okay, I read the Wiki, and it all seems pretty interesting…more interesting than a two hour snooze-a-thon of A PRAIRIE HOME COMPANION…but really? Lake Wobegon? Damn.

So, bottom line:
Jennifer 8 Lee has a new book coming out…she has a cool name and fortune cookies have an interesting story.

Michele Norris has a great radio voice…but totally pissed me off with her Wobegon Effect comment….but I guess it’s not her fault for being all smart about stuff.

I am indeed, 35 years of age.

Garrison and his quaint little stories of people who “overestimate their achievements and capabilities in relation to others” can kiss my skinny Irish ass!

The other morning around 7:00 AM my cell started blowing up….someone was urgently texting me. I checked my phone…hmmmm…I don’t recognize the number…let’s see here…

I read the text, had a good chuckle, and forgot about it…until a few hours later when I received the same text…oh snap, this must be important! But I just couldn’t bring myself to respond to my texter…you see, it was a wrong number. The person who was blowing up my phone thought I was Margie. Now, I know I’m not Margie, but my anonymous texter (let’s call her Sad Girl) was sure I was Margie and Margie was totally ignoring Sad Girl’s super important early morning text.

Before you read Sad Girl’s message I thought I’d help set the scene by giving you some visuals of our cast of characters:

SAD GIRL:
Our crazy, mixed up, protagonist…who’s just trying to do the right thing…or is she?

ASHLEY:
All around shit-stirrer and possible mistress of the double cross.

MARGARET (MARGIE):
Forever in love with Sergio, trusted friend of Sad Girl, and quite possibly the loco bitch that will end up cutting Ashley’s face.

SERGIO:
All around pimp, player, and baby daddy to many “around the way girls”.

And now, THE TEXT:

“So i was talking to ashley and she was like yeah me and margaret are still weird and she told me that you told her that you needed time and i was like well do you still talk to sergio and she was like no not since last night when i told him about everything and right when she told me that she got a text message and she was trying to hide it from me but i could see the reflection of who it was in the mirror and it was him!
I was like what the fuck”
[10:01:21 AM]
***END***

Pretty intense, huh? At first I wanted to text Sad Girl back and let her know she had the wrong number…then I thought about sending a generic “WTF” or something more exciting like, “U KNOW WUT BITCH U TALK ALOT OF SHIT CUZ SERGIO WAS WITH ME LAST NIGHT PLEDGING HIS LOVE IN THAT SPECIAL WAY…..HE SAID HE CANT STAND TO BE AROUND UR UGLY ASS WITH ALL THEM FUCKIN PIMPLES!”

I thought better of fucking with Sad Girl and just let the message ride to see if she wold get back to me/Margie..and she did:

“Margie? Are you going to say anything?”
[10:27:07 AM]
***END***

OOOHHHHH…Sad Girl was getting real antsy real fast. What to do? Well, I did nothing…I didn’t let poor Sad Girl off the hook by politely informing her that she had the wrong number nor did I get all Mi Vida Loca with the texting. I know, I know, not only am I kind of a shit but I’m also no fun in the phone prank department.

But really, would you want to fuck with any of these gangsta ass locas?
I didn’t think so.

You guys remember the TIMEX SOCIAL CLUB? I didn’t, but the cover for the Rumors 12″ was hard to pass up. They only had this one hit…but it was obviously good enough for Bobby Jimmy and the Critters to spoof with…ROACHES!

In addition to the TSC I also grabbed:

The soundtrack to RISKY BUSINESS…you know, it’s not all BOB SEGER on this one…you also get TANGERINE DREAM, MUDDY WATERS, JEFF BECK, PRINCE, JOURNEY, and PHIL COLLINS!

My favorite find this round of record buying was GAYLE MCCORMICK – FLESH & BLOOD. This record surprised the shit out me. I had no idea who Gayle was until I did some poking around on the interweb. Imagine my pleasant surprise when I found out this was her:

SMITH – Baby it’s you

Sweetness…her solo stuff is pure whiskey soaked rhythm and blues with a hearty helping of blue eyed soul…check her out.

Here’s a Canacorn fun fact: AMERICAN IDOL is a big deal at our house. We even went to the 1st AI concert waaaaay back in 2002….seriously love the show.

Anyway, this year during the Hollywood auditions, one of the songs the contestants could sing was Everything I Do…remember that one? It was like the wedding song of 1991-1994. It’s an okay song I guess.