GETTING BACK ON MY MAT

This topic has been difficult for me to even begin writing about because it's just so close to my heart, and I want to ensure I share this experience in the most authentic and open way possible. It was my own experience with trauma that led me to explore trauma-sensitive yoga (TSY), and because of those roots, teaching and sharing about this healing practice will always be very personal to me. However, for the sake of privacy and safety, I don't plan on speaking extensively about my personal experience with domestic abuse; instead, I'll be sharing a bit about my own recovery and journey with yoga for healing.

My hope is that this connects to somebody who needs it and is enough to plant a seed. My intention is to continue sharing about my experience with TSY as I learn and grow as a facilitator, as well as to continue cultivating awareness about the power of yoga as a healing practice. I do want to note that trauma is complex and personal, and I am in no way recommending yoga as a replacement therapy; I'll simply be sharing about this particular healing modality as one tool on the path to recovery.

"Trauma has a deep and long-lasting effect on the entire organism, from chemical and anatomical changes in the brain, to changes in our body's physiological system, to the subjective impact on the experience of the survivor. We believe that treatment for trauma must be equally thorough -- considering the person as a whole and addressing the broad-ranging effects of trauma on an individual. It also needs to meet the intensity of the traumatic sequelae with an equal measure of patience, compassion, and gentleness. If we are to help people recover from the insidious violation of their humanity that is trauma, we must be able to offer a varied array of tools to aid in this task. At the Trauma Center, we are beginning to understand how yoga can serve as one particularly effective tool for helping trauma survivors on their often long and complex path to recovery."

Stairway to Healing

Our bodies are the texts that carry the memories and therefore remembering is no less than reincarnation.- Katie Cannon

Even with time, trauma can have a serious impact in the present. Some memories will actually manifest as real physical sensations; trauma makes itself at home in the body, like an unwelcome guest shaking up your peace and calm. As Bessel Van der Kolk puts it in his book, The Body Keeps the Score, "After trauma, the world is experienced with a different nervous system." In my experience, everything felt different. I was trying to survive and reorient myself in a world that no longer felt safe or worth engaging in. My body felt foreign to me, and my mind was like a battlefield keeping me trapped by the painful memory of what I'd been through.

I thought that leaving the abusive environment would be enough to begin and really make progress in my healing journey, that removing myself would mean I was fine now, and able to move forward. But this was not at all how things unfolded for me. I moved into a new apartment with almost nothing and I slowly tried to rebuild a home - and a life - for myself there. I felt isolated, and I was afraid of what all the aloneness would bring me. At first, my mom was there to help get me settled and keep an eye on me. She took me to see my doctor and helped me explain what had happened when I wasn't able to speak. I was diagnosed with CPTSD (complex post traumatic stress disorder) and was prescribed anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds and sleeping pills. The memory of those initial months still brings me deep sorrow. I'd have random flashbacks that would send me to the floor, shaking and crying in a fetal position until the intensity had subsided enough for me to pick myself up again. I tried to practice yoga, but my body wasn't ready and it would always end as quickly as it begun: with me sobbing into my mat. At first (and for a while), the only way I felt safe to express what was going on in my inner landscape was through painting.

When I took my trauma-sensitive yoga training in 2017 (Trauma Center Trauma Sensitive Yoga, 20-hr program), this was one of the first things I wanted to ask -- What about those people who physically cannot manage a yoga practice without becoming triggered? What do you do when the pain is still too fresh? (The short answer was that the physical yoga practice isn't really for those people yet, unfortunately.)

In my first year of recovery, just noticing that I had a body and bringing my awareness to my breath was excruciating. I felt broken, and I didn't want to spend time investigating a body that no longer felt like my own and a mind I couldn't trust. This made me even more frustrated, because I felt sure that yoga could help me but I just couldn't seem to get my body on board. I felt like a failure even as a survivor, like I was compromising my healing because I just simply wasn't strong enough. I'd used yoga to heal other injuries and past trauma, so why wasn't I able to get back to my practice when I needed it most?

Before this trauma, I'd been practicing yoga for about 5 years and had been travelling and teaching yoga for a couple of years. It was the most important thing in my life and formed a huge part of my identity, but my abuser mocked and criticized my practice (and yoga in general) so much that I lost all confidence in it (and myself) and eventually stopped teaching and practicing all together.

And then, when I was just beginning to feel ready to revisit my yoga practice, I had an accident that set me back, again.

About 6 months after leaving my abuser, I had a fairly serious fall that resulted in a cracked skull and concussion, a broken wrist and a broken tailbone. Lying in the hospital bed that night, drifting in and out of consciousness, I felt completely lost and disconnected from my body. I couldn't feel my legs, my back and wrist were throbbing and I was bleeding from my head. Strangely enough, though, it felt all too familiar, like a representation of the emotional trauma I'd been living with for almost two years. Eventually, they sent me home, but advised me to have someone keep an eye on me for a while. I didn't have anyone, though, and I remember hoping that I'd simply fall asleep and not wake up.

Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.Rumi

Recovery, at it's core, is a journey of self-awareness and mindfulness, and of course, so is yoga; this makes TSY a natural fit and incredibly interesting to me as a healing tool. I've always deeply believed in the healing power of yoga, and because of the work of people like Bessel Van der Kolk and David Emerson, we're now able to put some scientific merit behind this belief. I can't adequately express my gratitude that there are individuals and organizations out there dedicating their lives to helping others heal, and I truly don't know where I'd be had I not found my way back to these influences. After my diagnosis of CPTSD, I needed something concrete and tangible to give me hope in my own ability to heal, and while it took me a while to get there, TSY serendipitously found it's way into my life over three years later. (I'll get back to this in a future post!)

My own return to yoga practice came prior to my discovery of TSY, and it was the most difficult thing I've ever done. My healing process has been gritty, unpredictable, and long; a true blood-sweat-and-tears mission. I spent about six months building up my home practice, starting out at only 10 minutes or so -- just as much as I could handle. I'd lost all of my strength and flexibility from both emotional and physical trauma and was still dealing with excruciating pain in my tailbone and sacrum. I cried through most practices, either because of my pain or the thoughts and feelings that would arise as I journeyed inward. I was meeting myself again, but a damaged, vulnerable, terrified version of myself I wasn't familiar with; it took a long time to befriend my shadow side and truly invite all parts of myself to the mat.

But this journey reminded me that there was someone in there worth saving, worth fighting for and showing up for every day. I still work on seeing the beauty of my experience with trauma in a broader sense, recognizing the growth it's brought me, and the beautiful relationships that would never have existed without it. Healing is a process, and a daily practice, but I made a vow to myself a few years ago that I would not give up, no matter how dark things got, and that determination has been the driving force of my recovery.

We can hardly bear to look. The shadow may carry the best of the life we have not lived. Go into the basement, the attic, the refuse bin. Find gold there. Find an animal who has not been fed or watered. It is you! This neglected, exiled animal, hungry for attention, is a part of yourself.Marion Woodman

Fast forward a few years later (if you're still with me, bless your patient heart!), and I'm looking out into a room of beautiful yogis, eyes closed with a soft expression on their faces, light-beams pouring into the studio and dancing across their mats, the calm but palpable energy surrounding us -- and I'm overcome with gratitude and love.

Somehow, I've survived. Somehow, I've returned to this sacred practice, not only as a student but also as a teacher - I get to simultaneously be an explorer and a guide. And I'm here because I want to show you that there is hope. I want to remind you that for as many reasons that you can find to give up there are always more for holding on. I still cry, like, every day, but more often than not, they're tears of joy. I'm astounded by the resilience of the human spirit, and I will never stop sharing this message:

HEALING IS POSSIBLE & EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY

As I embark on this new journey as a TSY facilitator, I will continue to share about my experiences and observations. If this resonates with you in some way, I hope that you'll continue to follow along with this series and reach out if you have any questions or feel compelled to connect.

Dorothee and I had such a great time at our winter solstice candle-making event that we knew we had to have another little yoga party soon! Nestled between Valentine's Day and Family Day, this workshop will take place on a Sunday afternoon and is all about *self love*.

We'll be working with teacups this time (my favourite!) and all supplies for making an unscented candle will be included, but you are welcome to bring any essential oils you'd like to add to your candle to create your own custom scent.

Please bring your own yoga mat, and anything that will help you get cozy (scarves, socks, hoody, etc). Coffee/Tea and snacks will be provided.

This event will be held at the Sarasponda Yoga house in West Lethbridge; you'll be given the address with your registration.

Space is limited! To reserve your spot, please send an e-transfer of $30 to saraspondayoga@gmail.com. If you have any questions or would like to confirm your spot/s first, just send a quick message and we'll get it all sorted. We hope you can join us!

You might have noticed that I've given the website a new look to better reflect some of the recent developments here at Sarasponda Yoga, and I wanted to share a blog post to elaborate on the intention behind all of this. 2018 was a year of transformation for me, with the tail end bringing about some fairly major changes. After nearly three years of teaching private yoga in my home in West Lethbridge, I've made the difficult decision to close down the Sarasponda Yoga Studio for regular sessions.

I started Sarasponda Yoga in the early months of 2016 in a carpeted basement, with only one client, and very (very!) low prices. Since then, I've moved into a new home with an upgraded studio and have shared this space with more than 30 wonderful clients, travelled to India, adopted a puppy, completed more yoga training programs, and have come full circle to return to the very things that inspired my own home yoga practice many years ago - trauma recovery, and the desire to cultivate my creativity. { healing + growth }

I've been honoured with the trust and openness my clients have shown me and I've grown in more ways than I'd ever expected. In trying to create the best possible offerings for each individual, I've been challenged and inspired to look deeper and work harder. I've learned how to connect better and listen more to my gut, cultivating a stronger belief in my intuition and the courage to continue exploring. This experience has also sparked my creativity and has pushed me to learn new skills. As with all things, we've had our share of ups and downs, but this has been a truly incredible adventure that I'll always hold so dear to my heart. I've met some amazing people and I'll be forever grateful for each and every person I've shared this experience with; thank you for letting me guide you through your practice, and thank you for teaching me. I'm humbled, honoured, and inspired. Thank you, I love you.

So, what now?

I'm still teaching yoga in the community whenever an opportunity arises that I connect with. At the moment, I'm focused on trauma-sensitive yoga - studying and writing, developing programming and teaching weekly classes for a private study with the University of Lethbridge. (More to come on this soon!)

I'll also be facilitating more workshops and karma yoga in various community spaces, as well as occasionally in my home! I love collaborating with local yogis and making heartfelt connections through these intentional offerings, and I'm looking forward to meeting more of you on the mat this year. (Teachers - message me with your collab ideas!)

For those who want a little more, you can send me an email to inquire about a customized home yoga program. I'll help set you up and get you started with a personalized plan, and every week for a month, we'll check in on your progress and make any necessary adjustments to best suit your current needs and goals.

I'll be spending more time and energy this year on filming yoga videos for my YouTube Channel, and I'd love to get your feedback as I return to this project. What sort of practices, tutorials and drills would you like to see me create? Do you prefer shorter or longer videos? Is mic'd audio far superior, or is voiceover just as good? Do you like quiet meditative music in the background, or would you prefer I don't include music so you can add your own? I have a long list of ideas that I'm excited to tackle, but I'm also totally open to ideas and suggestions; my only goal with this endeavour is to create high quality content that truly helps people foster a consistent, fulfilling home yoga practice.

I'd also love your support in subscribing to my channel, and if you decide to do a practice with me, please reach out and let me know how it went for you!

I'm going to be using this blog more frequently to explore and share a diverse selection of yoga and wellness-related content. I'd also love to begin featuring guest bloggers here, so if there's a topic or project close to your heart, or if you have a local event you'd like to share with our community, please reach out! I'd be happy to share your post.

​Just as I love teaching private yoga, I also really love teaching group classes; there's something so empowering about the collective energy of a group of yogis all moving and breathing together, especially when they have the support of a community behind them. It's been really cool to see our local yoga scene change and grow since I began teaching here close to 5 years ago, and I can't wait to join you in practice again at a beautiful new studio opening soon in Lethbridge. (*more details on this coming soon!*)

Let's stay connected!

My dear students, family and friends, I want to thank you again, from the bottom of my heart, for all of your love and support with Sarasponda Yoga over the past few years; I'm incredibly grateful for you, and I hope you'll continue to practice with me in some way.

A PRACTICAL APPROACH TO LETTING GO

​I woke up today still feeling warm and fuzzy from yesterday's New Moon workshop, and since I made a commitment to a more consistent meditation and journaling practice for 2019 (and forever after, hopefully!), I figured it was a perfect opportunity to invest in those intentions I set at the beginning of the year.

I've also been working on giving the blog more love, and while I'm not super proud of what I've accomplished here so far, getting back to journaling and poetry, as well as exploring different photography, illustration and painting techniques, is proving to spark my creativity and offering the necessary inspiration and motivation to begin sharing in a more meaningful way again. ​

For a few years, I felt completely without direction or a sense of purpose. I asked the Universe for clarity for a very long time before I recognized it in my life, but the main reason I wasn't receiving any messages was because I wasn't really listening - I wasn't properly tuned in.

​This past year, for me, has been all about seeking clarity, particularly around flowing more in harmony with the Universe. I wanted to properly let go of the things that were holding me back so I could find greater purpose in my life. (*less tension and resistance, more flow*)

Maybe this sounds vague, esoteric, abstract, or complex, and it has definitely been one of the greatest challenges of my life so far, but I think this is a primary root of the struggle - we overcomplicate the process of surrender.

But,*HOW DO YOU ACTUALLY "LET GO"?*

I've been working through this difficult question in my mind for quite some time, and it has come up with my students, family and friends enough for me to see that it's a pretty universal struggle. I haven't uncovered a perfect process, but I've noticed that certain techniques are more helpful in releasing heartfelt tension and moving forward into joy - or, letting go.

STILLNESS & SPACEFirst, it's important that you cultivate a safe and supportive environment for yourself.

SURRENDERRelease the belief that things should be different for you. Remember that this is your path, and you are only dealt what you can handle. (*take your time with this one - for me, it's always a lot of work to reach this place - be patient*)

​GRATITUDEI believe this is the most important part of letting go; I personally have a very hard time releasing my attachments without their due gratitude. Find what you need to release, what's holding you back or no longer serving you; thank the Universe for the lesson in that; thank yourself for always persevering. Give your goodbyes the time they require in order to make space for new beginnings.

SOFTENThis, too, takes time, practice, and patience. Focus on cultivating compassion for yourself; observe your experience with a loving eye, and when you are ready, begin to relax your mind. (*move from the head into the heart*) Notice the sensations that arise and lean into them enough to properly hear and feel what comes up for you. Maybe you choose a mantra that resonates with you, or focus on the energy within your heart space to keep your mind centred and still.

None of this is easy work; it can be messy and painful and it takes courage to embark on this journey, so it's important that you practice compassion and patience for yourself throughout the process.

​Do your best not to focus on the feeling of loss with letting go; rather, try to focus on your intention for this transformation, your gratitude for the experience and the lessons behind you, and the direction you're headed now. We're leaving behind our life's conditioning and ignoring the pull of the ego so that we may come home to the true self.

REMEMBER: LETTING GO IS A PRACTICE OF RETURNING

Kendal, Dorothee and I have been talking about a collaboration for a while now, and we're so happy to announce our first offering - MANIFEST: a journaling, bracelet-making and yoga workshop to send you off in the right direction for 2019.

Held on the first new moon of the new year, this workshop will focus on practical ways to manifest our dreams and goals and will encourage participants to set meaningful intentions for the year to come, or perhaps to solidify those resolutions they've already made.

This workshop will include a (semi-guided) journaling session to help focus our creative energy and solidify our intentions, followed by bracelet-making with Kendal of This is Chill where you can adorn your wrist with a customized representation of your own personal manifesto (remember carrying around a lucky charm of some kind as a kid? This is like that, but elevated), and closing with a gentle yoga practice and guided meditation session to bring us more clarity and focus for the year ahead.

Because we know that some of you might not want to stop at just one bracelet (we don't!), we're offering a additional bracelet options at $15 more.

We're so grateful for the beautiful studio space at CASA and we hope you'll join us for our first event of the new year. Head over to This is Chill to choose your beads and register for the workshop. All you'll need to bring for this event is a yoga mat and your favourite journal.

*coziness, comfort, peace, togetherness*

Dorothee wrote a really nice explanation of this Dutch term on her most recent Instagram post, which doesn’t have a direct translation in English, except maybe ‘warm fuzzies’.

The holiday season can be chaotic and tense for many of us, and we spend so much time thinking about our offerings to others; it's important that we also set aside some time to nurture ourselves and prevent holiday burnout.

To celebrate the winter solstice this year, Dorothee and I wanted to host a rejuvenating event where we will unwind and connect with other local yogis, make an adorable hand-poured soy candle, and share a gentle yoga practice and relaxing meditation.

It's going to be cozy - bring your comfiest sweater.

These candles make awesome little gifts (right in time for the holidays!) or just a lovely homemade addition to your existing collection. (*We encourage you to bring your favourite essential oils to customize the candle’s scent to your liking!*)

This will be a fairly intimate event, held at the Sarasponda Yoga residence. Space is limited! Please message us to reserve your spot. 💌

Itinerary: Once everyone is settled and acquainted, we’ll begin the workshop with candle-making, and as our creations set, we will guide you through a relaxing and rejuvenating solstice-inspired yoga and meditation practice.

Dorothee and I are really excited about this event and we hope you can join us for some candle-making, yoga, and great company! #yqlyoga

When I was growing up, exploring my interests and discovering my skills, I had a massive fear of failure that often kept me from even participating. If I couldn't be the best at the thing (whatever 'the thing' happened to be), I didn't see the value in trying. My ego was fragile and desperately trying to protect itself as it grew and hung on to the things that made me feel special. I hated competing, especially if I felt I wasn't at the top of the pack; second or third place eventually became acceptable to me, but anything less felt humiliating.

This fear stuck with me through my early adulthood, and in fact, this is something I continue to work on to this day. But, my yoga practice gives me the opportunity to confront my ego and examine the ways that it holds me back. It also reminds me that failure is ultimately just a step on the path to success. (I am so sorry for the cheesiness but there's just no other way to put it!)

For the past few months, I've been practicing in group classes at a local studio, and I noticed that I would often avoid variations of postures that really challenged me, because I didn't want others to see me struggle. This is almost embarrassing to admit, but having gotten back to my home practice recently and revisiting challenging drills and asanas without the fear of judgement helped me realize just how much I was avoiding because of my fear of failure.

Our greatest successes in life come from trusting ourselves and taking some (intelligent/calculated) risks, not tightly holding on to all that feels safe and familiar without ever really pushing through our perceived limitations. When we fail, we assess where things went wrong, and (*hopefully*) move through the challenges that held us back initially: in failing, we grow. Anaïs Nin said, "Life shrinks or expands in proportion to our courage." Here's the secret: permission to fail is actually permission to succeed.