Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Million voices

I'm posting a lot.

Firstly, I have more than 3000 views on this!!! Damn son, what a cute little small triumph right thurr. It's great that people read this. Many come over from JF's blog, so thank you so much for the advertisement JF, you da man. It's kinda cool to get people reading from like Honolulu, Gauteng, Hyderabad, Minas Gerais, etc.

Anyway FML!! I already broke my resolution last night :o(

I stayed on at work for a bit, left and met up with English dude again for dinner. He wore this cute short shorts, and ill-fitting t-shirt and a backpack, hahaha, such a straight guy seriously. Straight people really do dress straight, and it's no wonder that many girls have called me out about being gay because of the way I dress.

Anyway, had dinner with him at a pretty cool Mexican restaurant. We sat at the bar and had margaritas and they were served in very girly glasses haha, but English was like "I'm comfortable enough with my sexuality to not give a crap" He even has a glittery iPhone screen protector!!

We talked for a bit, and then this girl who sat beside me by the bar taps me and I turn around and ohayyy, two girls from high school! Haha. One of them was one of my first few straight allies who came with me to my first ever gay club in my country. We talk a bit, and they ask me if I was on a date with the cutie and I said oh boy I wish...hahaha

So yeah English dude and I start shooting the shit talking about London again, about law school (he did law with my sister), about my sister and her obsession with fashion brands (Giuseppe Zanotti, Moncler, Celine, Goyard, Isabel Marant, and Alexander McQueen are some of her favorite brands - also my straight rugby friend knows all of these brands!!! Mind-blowing... straight guys are really metro nowadays, especially many Asians and Europeans), about me being a bit of a trust fund baby since he asked if the bimmer was mine (thankfully he said that I don't act too much of a douche), about how it's actually normal for straight guys to also have performance anxiety issues the first time they have sex with a girl and end up being floppy (I told him I was super floppy the first time I tried to put my wang up a girl's vag), and also swapping our awesome stoner stories. In the end we made a pact that I was gonna visit him in London and he's gonna spot me some ganja and we're going to get high and wreck shit up. Looking forward to it already.

I then went over to Pangaea, the purportedly swankiest club in town, or at least they tout themselves that way. Door bitch was a transvestite dressed in a nurse costume, lmao. She let me in, and I go meet my three friends inside. One of them is A, 1 of 2 of my best childhood buddies, the other two was his girlfriend and her friend. I used to be pretty close to the girls, but I'm not anymore. They wore a dress and high heels, very atypical for them since they usually dress extremely casually, but I guess they tried to spruce themselves for such a pretentious venue. I checked out the ostrich-lined couches, the bubbles on the ceiling, the slutty skinny women dressed in nurse uniforms (btw, it's a public holiday on Wednesday, Labor Day, hence on Tuesday night there was a "working person" costume theme or some shit, obviously I went as an actual office worker. There was this hot dude dressed in a fireman's costume and I was like yeayuh!! After like 15 minutes, I told my friends I was gonna bounce soon, since I wasn't drinking and I don't really know anyone around.

They were mad pissed. They had the idea that the usual me would go crazy and get bottle service or some shit and so they all dragged themselves out to party with me. I was like...umm okay sorry for not being clear about this. They left and got cheap alcohol from 7-11, and I stayed around since I wasn't gonna pay the re-entry of 20 bucks. I met a friend, we talked a bit, exchanged numbers so we'll hang out next time, met his group of bitchy local girls, and then after a while I bounced because my gay friend from middle school told me to hurry over because the guestlist for the gay club was closing.

Outside the club, I see this girl that I've totally seen from my Facebook newsfeed, because she hangs with one of my good friends from college a lot. I go over, and preface it by saying "sorry for sounding creepy but do you know H?" I recounted pictures that I've seen of her (lol creepy) or how I always see her comments on wallposts etc, and then she asks me "wait are you the guy that H always talks about?" I said yeah, and she starts recounting pictures she's seen of me, and we're both like "wow thank god we're both equally creepy." I got introduced to this guy she was with, a cute dude from Yale who's chilling now after graduating early (like me, except he's way smarter to not have started work early, and also he goes to Yale) and we all hit it off really well. She tells me to add her on Facebook and we'll hang out some time. I hug her and leave and join my other friends.

So the thing is, I have no fucking clue how I have become such a third culture kid

All these kids are from international schools, as in American schools or British schools, and moved over here because of their parents. My parents have been in my country all the while, but for some reason I truly feel completely disconnected from most of my local friends, and I feel so much more comfortable and 'myself' with international school students. Like this person's a chick and I've mentioned how I don't talk much to girls now but she was so awesome and chill to talk to (she goes to school in New York). I really want to hang out more with people like that, because I really think they're like-minded. I drove over to the gay club feeling a lil down because of how I'm struggling with my cultural identity, ditching my local friends because frankly I feel the two girls in the group are pretty boring... I did give them a ride though to another club that they were going to since I felt bad, and I called the chick I met at the Mexican restaurant to link em all up together so my 3 friends would be able to join her group instead.

So before I met up with this middle school gay friend (I'll call him Z) I haven't seen him since middle school btw so that's a good 8 years seriously, I told him I gotta let him know that I'm really uncomfortable around dramatic gay men, flamboyant gay men, and gay divas. I was just being honest, and I wanted him to be clear about this. He told me "Don't worry I hate the divas too it's like they have to shove it down my throat but not in a way I want them to!" Fucking comment should have already given me a clue, but I decided to be open-minded and stop writing off people without giving them a chance.

Bad mistake. Seriously I think I'm just gonna stop really feeling bad about everything. I have to believe that I'm a good judge of character, and if I don't get good vibes from someone, I'll just cut them off. He and his friends were diva as fuck. Like they were gyrating to some Girls' Generation song (Korean girl band), trying to dance with me like a girl dancing with a guy, grinding their asses on my dick and I was like whut, no. This dude slaps me also and apologizes and tells me "that was a friendly sister-to-sister peck" No honey. That wasn't. I get introduced to more and more over-the-top gay guys, and Z tells me that I'm so different from how he remembered me in middle school, and that now I'm so stiff and straight-acting when I was a lot more "free-spirited and flamboyant" and he told me to be less self-conscious and let myself go.

I got really mad. I told him that as a 12-14 year old, obviously I was pretty damn non-dudely because I was still completely prepubescent and scrawny. Also, turns out more than 80% of the group I hung out with are gay, none of whom I meet up with now because they're all over the top drama queens. I told him that I'm extremely comfortable with who I am now, I love men, I love dick, but I do not like men who are like women. I also told him that I'm tired of explaining myself to people now, so I'm going to make it a point to myself to just reply with a smile next time.

This guy is also a serious slimy piece of dickwad. He kept going on and on complaining about his jiujitsu champion boyfriend, telling me EVERY single fucking minute like I'll forget "He's a jiujitsu champion btw" and how he pulled his finger in Japan or whatever, but refuses to see a doc so Z's like really concerned, and worried...and he told me "Oh piece of advice: don't get a boyfriend!!! All they ever do is cause you worry...especially if they play rough sports like jiujitsu!!!" After that he held my hand, tried to dance with me a bit, but I was like a robot, and then he makes out with some dude, and tells me he regrets not getting a number from this other guy. Haha what a cunty lil slut seriously. He can sashay outta my life, bitch!

Okay that wasn't very nice of me. But yeah, what a slut. His queen friend asks me, "why aren't you with a boy tonight just like the rest of the club, do you have a boyfriend?" I said no I don't, I'm just having a bad night. and He's like omg just loosen up already!!! Let yourself go bitch!!! and I go apeshit and say "You know why, it's because I think I'm better than every single goddamn person in this playground ruled by fucking queens" and I left.

I felt really bad for saying that, it was not cool of me at all, I was being a major dick, but I was really really angry. I felt so alienated by them. Then I felt really sad that I was such an ass, so I went over to my favorite gay bar and decided to drink instead. Argh...I drank a bit, and then bumped a cig off this ruggedly attractive guy. We talk for a bit, and he introduces me to his two friends. They're Irish, and the dude I thought was cute is 27 and has earrings, a stud piercing below his lips, and a Siamese twin skelly tattoo like on his inner bicep. He was an all-round bad boy, and really dudely, and we hit it off really well! He's shorter than me though so that was kinda interesting too. After a while of talking he tells me "Hey you're cute by the way" and he leans in, and we make out for a while. He was really gentle, and was a pretty good kisser too. I start grabbing his ass a lil, while his friend-couple was like "what just happened..." We smoke another cig again, because I wanted to talk to him more, and that was when he told me that he has a boyfriend waiting for him back in the UK.

Man. So it really seems that I have two types. Straight men, or taken gay men. F.M.L. I immediately felt so deflated, and was like, wow, and yet you made out with me. And he said yeah I'm sorry about that. And so I left, he was really apologetic though. I drove home slightly tipsy and very angry (I need to stop drink-driving...I might really get in an accident), and I called Dutchie at like, 3ish. He picks up all of my late-night calls. It's insane. I tell him that I'm so done with gay people, and that I'm going to focus on myself now. He tells me okay, that's great, but can we talk tomorrow? Hahaha. What a sweetheart.

I spoke to my footballer friend from MIT about this (I also told him about how last night when I was taking a leak at the urinal, some guy comes over and says "What?" and I say "What? I didn't say anything" and then he makes out with me while I'm peeing, and he tries to take a peek at my weiner, but I shield myself. Then he drags me out the backdoor and wants to make out more but I tell him "hold up" and I lift his shirt up to check out his bod, determined that it wasn't that good, so I pulled his shirt down, said "Okay I'm done" and walked away. HAHAHAHA. MIT friend was like "omg you little bitch!! I would have gone home and cried" Hahaha that's because he has a bit of a belly too... oops), and he told me to go to Boston because I'll meet a lot more like-minded people like us. I think that's it really, I'm no activist, I really can't sit around and wait for my country to progress. The funny thing is America's not even that progressive. It blows my mind how incredibly backwards the entire world is about homosexuality. It's great that Jason Collins came out. I read about him from Soundtrack and socrkid's blogs. I don't watch sports so I don't know about these people, but it's really so awesome to know gay athletes are coming out. Such an inspiration!

I had lunch today with my extended family, cos my uncle turned 70. One of my cousins cracked a joke over the table, "what did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?" "it might take a long time for me to get hard because I just got laid this morning" W T F!!! Dude is like, 17, and there were adults at the table and other kids. It was so wildly inappropriate I cracked up so much. Kids these days...hahaha. Although tbh, in fifth grade my friends and I were learning words like cunnilingus and fellatio from the dictionary...what horny nerds!!

hahaha, i believe u can do all the above! i think human nature isn't that simple anyway, that one can be both happy and sad, confident and insecure, contented and dissatisfied, etc. which parts do you wanna commiserate/laugh/get turned on??/reassure/disagree?

Erm, kiss with rugged Irishman sounds hot(ignoring what he revealed later). Urinal encounter was hot yet amusing. lol. I oddly found jiujitsu guy hilarious. Why hasn't anyone bitch-slapped this guy? Oh, when I was p5 or thereabouts, I was only innocently searching "hunk" in google images. Nowhere near as sophisticated as cunnilingus and fellatio haha.

I can sympathize with feeling alienated from mainstream gay culture and its people. I think you've just got to not let it bother you because it's not worth your time. I'm sure there are chill and drama-free gay bros and maybe a chill and drama-free gay bf out there in SG. It's not a matter of 'if' but 'when' that you find them. I mean you've only been out for a couple of months and the search has only just begun!

ok rugged irishman is actually more of an indie hipster, i kinda realized that's my type too hahaha, the slightly skinny pompadour chain-smoking type, though this dude was totally bald.

urinal counter was fucking hilar. i was such a lil bitch though wahaha but honestly though if i'm gonna have a quick hookup it gotta be wit a hot dude.

i have half a mind to pimp slap that lil slut Z. he keeps texting me "hello stranger, r u ok?" and i haven't been replying him.

i remember there was once when i was young that i was googling speedos just so i could look at men in them, and my mom walked in on me once..lmao, she confronted me and i told her it was a computer virus. i brought it up again after i came out to her and she told me that she had no memory of this hahaha!

yeah, i'm really like going through a shedding kind of stage??? where i'm just shedding all the negativity around me, or at least things that give me negative energy. and yes, i'm sure there are too, i really wanna find a good bromance type of gay network.

and yeah, you're seriously right. i just some times feel like so many people aren't out and yet have had relationships, or in general just seem a lot more experienced and "informed" in navigating this underground gay culture (of dating apps). I always just write like I write here, being completely genuine and everything and people seem to be kinda turned off by long messages, so I'm like whatever now man, not gunna bother much with Jackd anymore (still gunna leave my cheeky shirtless picture though hehehee)

I've been reading up on your older blog posts the last few days, I wonder if I'm the guy from Honolulu you see cause I am from Hawaii.

If you did not give clues that you are Asian, I never would have guessed, because you write like you are from the States.

I too am chinese but I was born in Hawaii and have lived here all my life. I consider myself American more than anything else but I still have connection to my parents' chinese roots. So I understand some of the asian pressures you feel about conforming and having expectations of you.

My immediate family know I am gay but we do not talk about it much -- they are not hostile to it, just they rather not address it directly. My mother continues to labor under the denial that one day I will marry even though deep down she knows that will never happen. But like in so many asian families it's all about image and keeping up appearances.

It made me sad to read about you feeling so much despair that you momentarily considered suicide. You should just try to be yourself and live an honest and true life. I never pretended to be anything other than what I am, I never dated gals for cover but I am sure extended family have talked and guessed that I might be gay but I really don't care what they think.

You are not alone, there's many others in your situation and you can find a lot of support through the internet if you need it.

yo FoC! sup! i think i've seen your comments on all-american's blog yeah? speaking of which that dude totes ignored my follow-up email after he asked to gchat, lawl

i went to college in chicago, and i grew up with acting classes from some american theatre school, and my middle school english teacher was american too. also, singapore's americanized as hell.

hmm i don't know what i consider myself. i've lived in singapore most of my life, but i've also stayed for at least 2 months each in hong kong, london, chicago, and uganda, and i hang out a lot with international students, so i've got the advantage of a more international perspective.

if you continue reading my posts though, you'll realize that most of my fears about my family reacting badly are completely unfounded...my family has been nothing but completely accepting and supportive. my mom even drove me out to a gay bar a couple days ago. she frequently sends me emails of new zealand or whatever legalizing gay marriage, and it's just awesome because she's really supportive of gay people now. she did tell me she wouldn't really mind if her parents were to know that i'm gay...she told me this because she said she was tired of hearing my granddad telling me that i'm at the plump age to 'pluck fruit' and get married to a sweet girl next door haha...such an incredible woman!!!

and yes...i was very depressed :o( "You should just try to be yourself and live an honest and true life" honestly this sentence is so much easier said than done. it takes a lot for one to just be one's self as a gay person. i'm definitely in an incredibly much better place now.

and yo thanks bud, truly appreciate you dropping by. the internet is a great vast sea of resources - the whole reason why i felt confident enough to come out (or at least desperate enough) was because i read all these blogs of people in similar situations as myself. it's amazing, technology is great.

Yes, you probably have seen me commenting on some gay blogs, including All-American and My Double Life. Wow! You really have travelled a lot. I'm not sure I would want to set foot in Uganda, they don't like gays there.

Coming out is a lot about fear and the unknown. As many have said before, you have to come out to yourself first and accept who you are before you tell others. Suicide is not the answer.

Life is full of compromises and limits so when I say live honestly, you still need to use some judgment and discretion. As long as you make progress toward that ideal, you are moving forward.

I know for myself at the beginning, I self-isolated, so that made things worse. You should try to be open with people because sharing the same experiences gives you strength and hope.

when i was in uganda i had one of the most emotionally warmest experiences of my life. the people there are incredibly genuine, curious as hell also about asian people, so straightforward and direct, and are mostly very satisfied with their way of living. yes, many made very homophobic comments, but i didn't feel the need to tell them that i'm gay, in such situations it's really more of a 'avoid death' kind of thing, so i just told them 'no i don't have a girlfriend' 'yes, there's probably someone out there for me' 'no, you don't have to introduce me to your single 18-year old neighbor who i'm sure is a sweetheart' i remember when i left, my host mom asked me how much were air tickets to chicago, and i said probably about 1500 USD, and she said she can sell 3-4 cows and come visit me...it made me smile but also tore me up inside.

all the other cities i've lived in are basically very similar, other than the fact that people in chicago are the friendliest, people in london dress the best, people in hong kong drink the most, and people in singapore have the best food. obviously all sweeping statements, but still valid.

i am by and large very much over my suicide phase. i do not think about suicide almost at all anymore.

very good advice, thanks :)

and yeah...i'm incredibly blessed. i love her so much. i need to let her know that i really really do love her so much. she's incredibly strong, for a variety of reasons, some of them i can't even mention in the blogosphere, but she's truly so amazing and i'm tearing up just writing about this. imma go hug her nao

It's good you have a more positive outlook. I'm sure being accepted by your mom has a lot to do with that. Being gay does not have to define you but in time you will appreciate that it is a part of you and helps to make you the person that you are.