If you are a reader of political blogs, the following is called a “Fisking”. If you are a reader of sports blogs, you may know what the term “The Fire Joe Morgan Treatment” means. When one encounters a wholly offensive opinion piece in a field that inspires your personal passion, it is time to be “ruthlessly factual” in debunking it.

In the climate of nationally assessing the vulgar core of the haves and their poisoning of the have-nots, writer Bettina Korek took to the pages of Forbes Magazine with a glibly titled worshipping of wealth and its stranglehold on the pulse of art: NOT A BILLIONAIRE? YOU CAN STILL BE AN ART COLLECTOR. It begins with a genuflection to the monied art world’s mecca: The Auction houses…

The auction season got off to an uneven start last week but proved that high-end art remains a hot investment. While the Impressionist and Modern sales at Sotheby’s “soared,” bringing in$200 million, Christie’s took in an “anemic” $141 million. One anonymous private collector snapped up one single landscape painting by Gustav Klimt for $40.4 million.

Are you rubes excited yet? If you didn’t get enough of Robin Leach and Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, come on over to the art world.

Most of us do not have the resources–or clout–of billionaire collectors Edye and Eli Broad, Norman and Irma Braman or Doris Fisher.

The use of the word clout is a reminder that for all of the positions of “trusteeship” that steward art and institutions at the highest levels of those who subscribe to magazines like Forbes, the raw power called clout is really what all those pretty pictures are in service of.

But starting an art collection is more affordable than you think and you can take a cue from them and become an arts patron at the same time… “Without supporting a museum or an arts organization, the collector is just a tourist in the art world gathering souvenirs. With the support comes citizenship.”

Well pass the plate, this isn’t an art scene you are at, it is a church service. Dig a little deeper and you might buy your art salvation!

Now Ms Korek hits her stride in an evangelical wail for the monied to find personal salvation not only in the art world, but within the clutches of the money-hungry art world middlemen who are neither creative forces nor passive caretakers…

You should first and foremost love the art that you are buying, because the market is fickle. With some time and good advice, you can learn about art and collect based on art’s historical significance. Traveling to art fairs and exhibitions gives you the opportunity to see what other collectors are buying and mass buying affects value. The most important thing is to take an informed approach.

Nothing like mixed messages: You basically have a choice – you can buy the art you like and get laughed at or buy the art everyone else is buying at al the places they go to buy that art. Either way you get caught holding the bag with worthless, overpriced junk.

The art world is a complicated and compelling social network. Your influence and prestige as a collector will be boiled down to purchasing power and your relationships with galleries, artists and institutions.

For you one-percenters who just are not getting sucked-up to enough at home or work, there is an endless supply of sycophants in the art world.

You can hone your intuitions about a young artist, or a work that may rise in value, into a true skill by educating yourself through constant looking and reading. Some resources to start with are Artforum, Art in America and ArtInfo. Be sure to keep track of the things that you like.

Here is a funny dichotomy. If your sole trait is that you have money, you can get all the education you need on the cheap by reading the tripe and puffery that passes for art writing in ArtForum, Art in America and ArtInfo. But if you do not have money, your education in the arts will cost you a hundred grand of student loan debt and three years in those tinkertot kilns of pretentiousness called the MFA diploma mill.

Familiarize yourself with the market. Browse auction catalogues… This is a great way to become more familiar with market values. Keep in mind that auction prices are public record.

If you are reading Forbes you know what “Market Values” is supposed to mean. When Al-Qaeda or Iran bomb the Saudi oil fields, the market value of your Texas oil stock go up. When solar power gets made available to the public, the market value of all that goop under the dirt disappears. Well the art market is not like that at all…

The art market is like an antique store. Imagine the scene… Oh yeah, this beautiful old thing might be the only one of these from back then that is in good condition and available now, that makes it important and the object of desire – you better grab it now. If we have three of them here the next time you visit this tourist trap and you raise your voice, I will give you all three for the price of one.

And those public records are SO public that the name of the seller and buyer are regularly hidden – even when the seller is the buyer in the name of elevating “the market” for his or her holdings.

Look in the right places. The chances of finding a good artist increase when you are looking at a good gallery. Look at gallery websites–it’s easy to kill time at your desk browsing through sites of galleries that participate in top fairs like Art Basel and Art Basel Miami Beach, Frieze…

Heaven forbid you dare get adventurous in the conformityville known as the art world. If you ask Bettina where to shop for the holidays and she gives you the same advice, it would translate as: Buy Calvin Klein and shop at the Gap.

Becoming a collector is a process, and one of the best ways to expedite the process is to become a patron at the same time. You want the privilege of knowing curators, and learning what work they are looking at. It’s important to be generous and support art for art’s sake; it will give you information and access.

The privilege of knowing curators? Do these curators get to go to the Sistine Chapel and vote for the next pope? Do they take your Sunday Service donations with them to Rome or spread it among the poor?

Join an innovative nonprofit space or museum at a higher level ($1,000+). Be as generous as you can afford to be. It’s not hard to identify these places… Research these groups a bit to see what piques your interest.

Unstated here is that many of the biggest collectors have given up this flushing down the toilet of their money in the form of donations to non-profits. The new art world power play is to buy the art you like and open your own museum run by your own non-profit. But going it on your own defunds the middlemen and women of the art world, aka, Bettina’s clients.

The higher your capacity to give, the more opportunities there are to interact with curators and other patrons. Members of LACMA’s annual Collector’s Committee weekend pool millions and vote on proposed acquisitions from museum curators. The ticket price ($15,000 and up) includes a private dinner Friday night at a collector’s home with specially designed menus and wine pairings.

So when you go to the museum and see the placard about the picture and it says it was acquired by some museum collector’s council, now you understand the banal nerdiness of their existences. Would you rather have art selected by people so boring they pay fifteen grand to go to each others’ houses? It is safe to wonder aloud now whether the art world functions as a cult at it higher levels.

LACMA director Michael Govan once called Collector’s Committee “the ‘American Idol’ of the museum world” and the curatorial presentations are an invaluable way to understand how experts make their decisions.

Just to be clear: the people with the money are not the experts. The people who watch American Idol are the experts. I can’t humiliate this observation of the writer’s anymore than her debasing prose itself.

International Committees are another great way to educate oneself, and to travel with insider status… an “important way to bring an international group of collectors and patrons together, to connect with the museum and each other, while sharing personal insights and specific knowledge.”

You don’t have insider status if you let the museum herd you around in a reverse freakshow tour of preselected galleries sanitized of anything but the international style of monied objects and installations. But has groupthink ever sounded sexier or more stylish?

Independent non-profit spaces often have opportunities to support artist’s projects or exhibition with gifts ranging from $1,000-$15,000. LAXART, a nonprofit arts space in Culver City that is working with the Hammer Museum and Getty Research Institute on major projects with emerging artists, organizes intimate gatherings with artists in the homes of collectors for its Curator’s Council…

I count three middlemen, one council and an unnamed number of collectors hosting parties in their houses (don’t worry, the white wine art world nerd central would never stoop to anything as exciting as drugs or wifeswapping at these punch and cookie affairs) that are getting in between the artist and the donor here. Welcome to the art world. The pocket that is picked feeds four times as many art administrators as it does artists!

Looking at art graduate school exhibitions is a great way to buy early, but keep in mind that you’re taking a calculated risk.

Notice how it is never a risk when you give money to institutions, no matter how terrible their programming is and without any discussion of their fiscal responsibility? But the moment you might dare just give money to an artist, albeit one in grad school, all of a sudden it is a calculated risk. So to give the museum fifteen grand you get an entree and wine pairing, but to give a grad school artist three grand for two paintings that you find compelling… woah there cowboy, you are taking a huge risk that you might actually own art that you enjoy. Wow, such an edgy existence… you have been warned.

Develop a relationship with an independent art advisor… asking galleries who they recommend, who they trust and believe in, and who really knows what he or she is doing… it’s important to ask a potential advisor how they will help you become involved in the art conversation by getting more involved philanthropically… get the facts straight about the fee structure before you start. Some advisors take commission on purchases, others work on a retainer, and some require both.

Get your facts straight… these hucksteresque soothsayers, oops I mean professional advisors can play you any one of 85 ways, so take this advice and be wary of the three or four most obvious ones to make it easier on the in-crowd to squeeze as much dough out of you as they steer you toward buying art you don’t like form art dealers that they love.

Build a library. Art books are a fantastic way to jump-start your collecting… Books in themselves can be art objects.

In other news, Forbes readers, the sky is blue and the dollar is green.

Get advice from other collectors you admire… Editions are a great way to get your feet wet, and can be a great area to focus on. New sites… are also a great place to look.

If you are rich, you know there is nothing you hate more than letting some other rich windbag blab on and on about something. Precisely zero rich Forbes readers will take this advice and that is a good thing.

Over time, developing an interest in art can connect you with an incredible social and intellectual community. Collecting art is best approached as a life-enriching adventure and one that can build a new asset for your future along the way.

If by “social” you mean climbing backstabbers and “intellectual” you mean degreed narcissists, you nailed it. Of course, no mention of smoking pot with artists, the only true advantage to spending time in an art world you do not understand. I suppose that since Bettina that since she spends all of her time in the art world, Bettina doesn’t know any artists.

Speculation in the middle east is rampant that Moammar Qaddafi will try to flee Libya this week and hide in exile by pretending to be Bob Dylan. Kadafi’s appearance on last week’s Grammies as Bob fooled almost everyone, so the dictator for life is thinking of changing that job description and going on his own never-ending tour.

Dear Mat:
An artist friend is investing considerable time and energy on a professional presentation of his art. He has a catalogue, website, business cards, etcetera. Is this the way to make it in the art world?WELL?€¦
No. All of the effort you put into promotion is time taken away from making art. If you work for yourself, it tells everyone that nobody else is willing to get behind your art and work for you. It is one thing to sell out of your studio or put together some good pictures of your art to pass around, but these should be icing on the cake. Someone else, or many other someones should be out in the world spreading your gospel. The appearance of having done it yourself is the same as a retired relative who built his own patio deck ?€“ it is nice, but you aren?€™t hiring him to draw up architectural plans for your dream home, now are you?
So you do need someone else beating the drum. Of course, the first thought that probably goes through everyone?€™s mind is to hire someone to do this sort of thing for them. Pull your head out, Johnny Artist ?€“ hucksters who hire out themselves out as representatives are scum and everyone but the delusional see through this. If you are good, good people will find you. Good, connected people will get behind artists that are good and have investment potential. Oh sure, you can come up with an example of how this generalization is wrong, an anecdote here, a personal account there, but Pollock had Peggy Guggenheim, Basquiat had Mary Boone, while Johnny Artist Business Card at his luckiest will get a night with the girl at Kinko?€™s. Get it?

Dear Mat:
I?€™ve had a little success in the art world, a few group shows, and now a gallery has signed me up. It has been great overall, except now at any art world event, artists come out of the woodwork to ask me for help, and especially to make introductions. My old friends are starting to cramp my style. I have yet to sell an artwork and people are hitting me up to introduce them to my dealer. What do I do?WELL?€¦
The games people play. What you don?€™t even realize is how a few of your supposedly cool friends are actually setting you up for introductions and endorsements without you even realizing it. How many of your supposed colleagues and kickin it old skool back in thuh day buddies are dropping your name as a calling card around town? Or worse, adding your name to a lame group show they are compiling? There are even lower and lamer attempts to use your success to someone?€™s advantage ?€“ and the fact that it is happening is a sign that you are on the right track. But it is also a sign to get serious about who you really show yourself to. Say bye bye to trust in your fellow humans, hello to a career and its interpersonal complications. Yes, a little success means you are being pulled out from the uterus of old acquaintances. Your career cannot be born unless the umbilical cord to your art world gestation has been cut. The comfort of old pals is a womb that kept you warm as it nurtured you, but the art world is calling and I am here to slap your ass into consciousness about what is really going on.
The minute you have a little taste of the big time, many of your closest friends will demand that you make lightning strike twice. There are myriad manners in which they will try to ride your coattails. Your goal must be to wear no coat while still looking good. At least you can count on a few old pals to immediately become psychotically jealous and talk smack about the gallery with which you have hooked up. That simplifies things. But beyond these forgettable miscreants, it all gets complicated.
There are too many plusses associated with success to turn it down in order to comfortably coexist with your crowd of yore. If you are not in the art world to make art that lives on forever or to at least strive for the moment of superstardom and get the groupies and glory that are the rightful legacy of the art star, then just fuck off, you won?€™t last ten seconds in the vicious pond they call an art career. Everyone you have met along the way is a piranha, except those really successful careerists that have evolved into being sharks. So now that someone likes your art ?€“ prepare to get eaten if you cannot swim fast.
As far as your friends, the guilt trips will dominate you only if you take your focus off from where you are going. Why let them set the agenda to reveling in the past when there is so much future for you to build toward? Before I start to sound like frickin Yoda, here is the bottom line: your friends are nice people but lousy artists and the minute you sense that they are trying to use your accomplishments to further their own careers it is best that you pretend to not have a clue who they are. And if that sounds unconscionably mean, remember that they would do this to you in a heartbeat.
But worse than your friends, many of whom will be legitimately happy for you and will never allow your success to interfere with a lasting relationship ?€“ worse are the complete strangers. They crawl out from under rocks and cloyingly sidle up to you at events and tell you how great you are and then make ridiculous demands for your time and effort to promote their careers. These fucks are absolute poison and must be dealt with sternly, callously, coldly, boldly. There must be no mistaking shutting them down. My good friend, artist Michael Salerno, never confuses his admirers from sycophants holding careerist aims. He developed a classic method to shoo away art world parasites at social gatherings. When the subject of their careers becomes anything other than a delightful discussion, Salerno immediately clarifies whether this person is involved in a conversation with him as a manner of seeking career assistance. Of course they are. He immediately offers his help?€”and he knows the best way for anyone to use him to help their careers. They always fall into his trap, but the dialogue never loses its entertainment value. ?€?The best way for you to get a show in the art world,?€? he tells them, ?€?is to get me five or six shows, as I would feel very obligated to you at that point.?€? Gomer the Parasitic Hick can be seen hanging off the turnip truck headed back to Leech-land soon after, as Salerno orders another bottle of wine for the table of his peers and those who know their place in his world.

Dear Mat:
A good friend of mine has an established career in the art world, as have I. Lately, this friend is urging me to change the gallery I show at, insisting that I should aim higher. I get solo shows, reviews and sales, but the gallery is admittedly not the most important or trendy gallery in New York?€”but it is known and plenty of artists would kill to be in my position, but all I hear from my friend is how it is time to move on up. What do I do?WELL?€¦
You dump the friend. Your friend is what I call a Titanic. They are semi-successful people who think their perceptions of what is important are fact. Usually these people had a little success many years ago and they are clinging to outdated notions. They will insist on the continued importance of some gallery that was hip in 1983 or rave about the eye and track record of a dealer who discovered a famous artist 24 years ago. But guess what happens to Titanic friends when you do succeed (whether or not it was because you took their advice) in a big way? They sink. Titanics cannot be around artists who are more successful than themselves. They are always spotted around emerging artists where their hundred and one group show inclusions look like Whitney Biennials to the up and comers. Your friend?€™s cajoling for you to achieve more is actually a self-projection. You are getting big and the Titanic knows you might soon become the iceberg.

Sometimes I read reviews and wonder what the critics are even talking about. I?€™m a college educated person. Should I be taking art criticism more seriously? Will a rave review by the right critic set up an artist for life? Who would those critics be? Are bad reviews the kiss of death? Let me know.

WELL,?€¨

There are two types of art critics. Those who are desperate (despite all appearances to the contrary) to get invited to the right parties; and those who get invited to the right parties. How to tell who is who – if a critic is a teacher, a University lecturer, a professor of art history, especially if they say this about themselves in the little bio after each published essay – then this person is among the desperate group. If this person writes for an audience of more than 50,000 people whose income is above $100,000 and has been doing so for over 5 years, then this person is among the latter group. These are not absolute qualifications, but I use them to gage the worthlessness of the party banter that masquerades as reviews. Many art world reviews are paid for, often under the table. You pay a critic to write a catalog essay for you. The next few shows get reviewed. You help get a critic hired at your art school, next year he is making fifty grand and you are getting reviews. The TRUE power of the critic is revealed in his or her readers. Since most art writing is nefariously interlinked to personal relationships, you should ignore all of it, but do pay attention to where the critical mass is rising. When Matthew Barney started making waves, his name was everywhere, instantly – nobody has that many friends, especially Matthew Mumblemouth. I am not defending Barney?€™s status outside of his achievement of getting noticed.

There are two types of bad reviews. Those that pick on the powerless and those that pick on the powerful. Both work. One is merciless, the other is only practiced by those outside of both academia as well as the art establishment.

Oh, and bad reviews are not the kiss of death. Artists who get trashed by the same critic form a fraternity that can achieve strong bonds. Frankly, you can cut and paste a review to omit critical sentences. In fact, why not just paste up a fake review. A dingbat gallery would be impressed as all hell that you ahd a three hundred word review in the New York Times. a day of page layout tutorials could get you started. Who?€™s gonna pay the $11.95 fee to verify this with a Times internet search? Not your average cheapskate gallery dealer, that is for sure.

Sometimes I read reviews and wonder what the critics are even talking about. I?€™m a college-educated person. Should I be taking art criticism more seriously? Will a rave review by the right critic set up an artist for life? Who would those critics be? Are bad reviews the kiss of death? Let me know.

WELL,

There are two types of art critics. Those who are desperate (despite all appearances to the contrary) to get invited to the right parties; and those who get invited to the right parties. If a critic is a teacher, a University lecturer, a professor of art history, especially if they say this about themselves in the little bio after each published essay – then this person is among the desperate group. If this person writes for an audience of more than 50,000 people whose income is above $100,000 and has been doing so for over 5 years, then this person is among the latter group. These are not absolute qualifications, but I use them to gage the worthlessness of the party banter that masquerades as reviews. Many art world reviews are paid for, often under the table. You pay a critic to write a catalog essay for you. The next few shows get reviewed. You help get a critic hired at your art school, next year he is making fifty grand and you are getting reviews. The TRUE power of the critic is revealed in his or her readers. Since most art writing is nefariously interlinked to personal relationships, you should ignore all of it, but do pay attention to where the critical mass is rising. When a critical mass rises spontaneously, you will notice it is among the readers of the latter critics. Then you have to pay attention – if you don?€™t, give up now and just go to museums when your aunt is in town for a visit.

If you are not buying favors and your gallery is not hiring critics to write catalog esays, then understand that there are two types of bad reviews: Those that pick on the powerless and those that pick on the powerful. One is merciless; those outside of academia practice the other. They don?€™t get paid to be collegial.

Oh, and bad reviews are not the kiss of death. Artists who get trashed by the same critic form a fraternity that can achieve strong bonds. Frankly, you can cut and paste a review to omit critical sentences. In fact, why not just paste up a fake review. A dingbat gallery would be impressed as all hell that you had a three hundred-word review in the New York Times. A day of page layout tutorials could get you started. Who?€™s going to pay the $11.95 fee to verify this with a Times internet search? Not your average cheapskate gallery dealer, that is for sure.

Dear Mat: Many of my fellow artists insist that I should read more theory. I?€™m 45 and have been painting longer than some of these art school graduates have been alive. But there seems to be a dialogue that I am missing out on. What am I missing out on?

WELL
Lets say that i am really good with words. Or better yet, accept for a minute that I possess an impressive literate ability. There, that?€™s better. Almost convincing right? Well then, let?€™s say i am at a party, an art party, and i want that hot babe over by the window. I saunter over and start a chit chat about the painting on the wall next to the window that silhouetted her so well. She is impressed with my knowledge of ancient Greece, which I don?€™t just come out and say, ?€?Hi, I am a smarty pants, brain power, college degree, good to procreate with, won?€™t kill you in violent rage.?€? I let her know this by discussing the painting?€™s obvious aspirations to Greek Classicism and, therefore, the artist?€™s apparent longing for idealized human interaction. Now, she is impressed, I let her know that i am smart without bragging, and also that I am sensitive to art, as I revealed the painting?€™s effect on me. Three hours later, I?€™m enjoying a plate of Bang-A-Roni, the Sack Fresh Tickle Treat

But what i was really telling this girl was, ?€?I?€™m smart, I will use this beautiful painting as a prop to come on to you. in my world, art is nothing but a prop I use to seduce and consume as i use you and whomever else I want. When i fuck your mom next Thanksgiving I will come up with a story about where I was that afternoon just as quickly, and it will be twice as effective in quelling your suspicions then as my Greek painting story was in assisting the removal of your panties tonight. Why twice as effective? Because if you think I am a quick study with a nice painting and a pretty girl at a party, wait until i get to know every weakness you have and play your universe?€™s props against them as one big orchestra?€™s mindfuck symphony.?€?

Theory people are good with words. they construct alternate realities and seduce artists to come live in these world?€™s where the words of the theory god is as much his whim as it is your life sentence. Theory people are evil scum who will use art, beauty, truth, hope, your body, your children, and/or your universe for whatever whim they are seeking to satisfy in their sick and twisted world of lies. Avoid theory people, scorn them in social situations. Only pretend to follow the eloquent workings of a theory person if you yourself are planning to soon kill him or her in a painful and humiliating manner. Degrade theory. It is nothing but the nattering of a devil seeking to possess you, of inferior, artless sperm seeking to swim into your DNA and take over.

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About Coagula

The Print edition of Coagula Art Journal was founded in 1992 as an antidote to the theory-addled and fashion-driven forces in the world of contemporary art.

Coagula remains clarity amidst the ambiguty of contemporary art and the neutered, star-struck art world; we don't fuck around here.