On a summer morning I was sitting quietly on an old, fallen branch under a tree in the middle of the woods, right next to a little pond after a morning run with my friend. It’s quiet. We can only hear the sounds of nature, the birds chirping, frogs croaking and the bugs buzzing.
Almost everything it’s still. There’s barely noticeable movement around us.
First, I start feeling an uneasiness creeping up on me in this quietude. Then slowly as I connect to nature, I start melting into its stillness. Every moment, I feel more open, more connected. I feel as if my whole being spreads everywhere, and my body doesn’t limit me.
The longer we sit there the more I feel a oneness with everything. My heart opens. I feel limitless and at the same time united. I let go of control and just flow with the universe. Channels open up, ideas come to me. Creativity starts flowing through me. I just feel amazing, I feel vibrant. I feel awakened. I feel alive! I am alive!

Driving back from visiting my friend, I’m getting closer to the city, and I hear my heart beating faster; I feel anxiety kicking in. I start to feel the tingling and numbness. I think about all the things I have to do, all of my responsibilities, all the chores.I see cars switching lanes, and I do the same. When I glimpse at the other drivers, I see the same anxiety in their eyes.
When I’m in the city, I feel as if I’m in the rat race. I run from one place to another, disconnecting more and more as the week goes on. Getting up early, going to sleep late, taking care of everyone and everything but myself because I never have enough time.
I struggle daily to keep my heart open and to stay connected to the Divine. I feel as if I’m choking and bound tightly from the neck down. I disconnect from my body, I disconnect from my heart.
I ‘m running on adrenaline and two cups of coffee a day. My personality changes. I’m getting more and more intense. I speak faster. I’m more demanding. I start to react to everything.

A formless fear kicked in a long time ago. It’s either fight or flight. My survival instincts took over, and I didn’t even notice it at first. I try to read a book and study, but I can’t pay attention, I’m tired, and my body slumps, and my brain is fried.
I’m punishing myself for not being good enough, not having it in me. I feel I’ll never get out of this prison. I feel powerless. I feel like a failure, I feel lost, disconnected.

What happened to me feeling alive?

It is enough. I’ve had enough. I want peace. I want stillness. I have to slow down. I must find balance.