OFFENSIVE TIGHT END: Dropping used condoms on a neighbor’s deeck may be Jerramy Stevens’s foulest foul.

Welcome back Stevens
It has always surprised me that Seattle Seahawk tight end Jerramy Stevens didn’t figure more heavily in the sports-crime industry after he turned pro. When he left the University of Washington, Stevens looked to be a once-in-a-generation sports-crime talent, a Willie-Williams-meets-Darryl-Strawberry off-the-field type menace. After all, not many athletes are charged with rape, smashing a guy’s jaw with a baseball bat, and driving a truck while stoned into an old-folks’ home (plus, walking away before police arrive) before the age of 22. Stevens not only managed the feat, he also won a spot in the second round of the NFL draft. I expected big things from a guy who, before catching his first NFL pass, had cruised through a pro-football crime pentathlon: the Ricky Williams bongathon (weed), the Naeole vault (bar fighting), the 4-x-4 Janikowski relay (GHB-related offense), the Michael Pittman butt (ramming/using a car as a weapon), and the Rabih Abdullah jump (leaving the scene).

Stevens mostly stayed out of the news in his early years in the NFL, attracting attention mainly for underperforming. He did score a DUI in 2003, though, when police found two Champagne bottles in his car during a “routine traffic stop,” which should be renamed the black-guy-with-nice-car stop. Stevens also gained infamy among Vegas bettors after dropping several catchable bunnies in last year’s Super Bowl, which, coupled with some legendary bad calls, prevented the Hawks from covering.

This year, there were signs that bad news was on the way. A recent Seattle Times story indicated that Stevens’s neighbors had attempted to kick him out of his building. According to the paper, “One resident woke to find his deck splattered with vomit. Another found used condoms. Others told of being awakened at 3 am by loud fights, or were startled by strangers who partook of their patios. And they have had it. The noise, the fear and the man behind it . . .”

Finally, Stevens was busted last week for a DUI in Scottsdale, Arizona. The arresting officer wrote in his report: “As [Stevens] exited the truck he dropped his cell phone and wallet on the ground, bent down to pick them up, then stutter-stepped as he started to walk in my direction . . .”

In all likelihood, the Seahawks will cut bait with this guy, who, sadly, is one of the most talented athletes in the game. Stevens picks up 32 points for his DUI/weed possession arrest — 25 for the DUI and seven for the used condoms on his neighbor’s deck. That’s just nasty.

Jags the new Bengals?
The Jacksonville Jags are the clubhouse leaders for this year’s Bad NFL Citizens Award, a/k/a the Chris Henry Cup. Jags safety Gerald Sensabaugh became the second player on his team in as many weeks to get busted for a gun offense, after he was pulled over in his hometown of Kingsport, Tennessee. Sensabaugh was charged with speeding and “carrying arms.” His arrest comes just after backup wideout Charles Sharon was busted in Tampa for carrying a stolen firearm.

Texas trouble Some college-football positions just seem to be cursed, arrest-wise.

Stay classy, Florida Class act Elijah Dukes has at least five kids by at least four different women.

The lock box I want everyone reading this column to start laughing right now, just to get a head start.

Pure idiocy We’ve had some real winners light up the crime blotter this year.

Too high One wonders, at times, if there is some kind of Norse God of sports crime.

Touched by a taser Such was the fate of DerMarr Johnson, who just made himself the latest entry in what is becoming a shockingly long list.

Texas two-step The Texas Longhorns have been a real gift to the sports-crime-reporting industry of late.

Can't drive 55 This past week, we snared an early candidate for the next Justin Miller Award, given to the athlete who most bollockses up his professional-draft status with an avoidable pre-draft arrest.

You go, Carl Former Minnesota Vikings defensive end Carl Eller is an early candidate for this year’s Otis Nixon Award, given to the athlete who most repeatedly shows up in the news following clashes with the criminal-justice system.

Trouble in Iowa Gross, nasty, disgusting story out of Iowa recently — from Iowa City, to be exact, home of the University of Iowa.

True Wizardry Question: what do you do when your team decides to offer you, a mere 20 year old, $12.5 million over five years?

LET GO, METS | August 18, 2010 As difficult as this summer has been for those of us counted among the Red Sox faithful, let's all agree: it would be a hell of a lot worse to be a New York Mets fan right now.