Monthly Archives: November 2016

She came in, still walking gingerly, her hand still bandaged up, her hair in a crazy mess, utterly exhausted. I suppose I couldn’t blame her for wanting to avoid me a little–but I also couldn’t just let her keep on ignoring this. I had to figure something out–just for my peace of mind.

“I know, okay, I know,” Priya started, almost uncharacteristically jagged in her speech, “I owe you an explanation–probably several. But, is there any way I can convince you to let me rest first? Just for a little while.”

“I–yeah,” I looked at her again, and I just couldn’t press for answers now. Not when she looked like this. Not when she really needed the rest. “You fought hard today. I know that. But, Priya I’m just–” I cut off, not sure how to describe what I was.

“Confused? Angry? Scared? Unsure?” Priya offered for me.

“All of the above?” I smiled back.

“Yeah,” she laughed. It sounded like a chorus of angels. “Yeah, me too.” She shrugged off her dirt covered jacket and sat down on the edge of her bed. “Come here. Rest with me. You could use a nap too, I’m sure. And when we wake up–we can have a frank and forthright conversation until we are both satisfied? Deal?”

A nap did sound pretty amazing, to be honest. Priya might not have let me go out on the front lines–but it didn’t mean I didn’t spend most of the day fighting as well. Sleep would–I don’t know–calm the nerves, maybe? Something.

She laid down, scooting so that she was closer to the wall, giving me plenty of room to lay down next to her. I took off my muddy jacket and pulled off my boots so that I would drag too much dirt and grime into her bed, and then I laid down next to her, turning so that we could look each other in the eye. So we hadn’t gotten the chance to have our conversation–so I didn’t know what she was thinking or where she stood–but damn it was nice to be here with her, in this moment of calm, in this quiet understanding–I felt safe. For the first time in a very long time, I felt safe laying her beside her, questions answered or not.

“Anna Belle, I want to ask–I mean, I don’t have any right to, I know but… Would it be okay if I kissed you again?”

“I–uh, you, well,” I took a deep breath and tried again. “Yes. Yes, I think it would be alright if you kissed me again.”

Priya smiled wide, sliding a little bit closer to me on the bed. She reached up and wrapped her hand around my neck pulling me in slightly so that my lips met hers. It was a mostly chaste kiss, lip against lip, gentle pressure. But it made me warm and it made my stomach pull flip flops all over the place. Priya sighed against my lips, and pulled away. “Thank you. I wanted the chance to kiss you properly. You know–to make up for my haste earlier.”

“O-kay,” I mumbled, because that was all I could think of to say, and what I really wanted to do was pull her in closely and kiss her again–and again and maybe even do something more than just kissing her, but I could see her eyes closing, and now that I was laying down, I could feel my eyelids getting heavy too. A nap. Yes. a nap first, and then we’d figure out what was going on.

“I can help,” I insisted, “I’m new, yes, but you know I know this stuff, please.” I reached out to grab Priya’s wrist, to make her turn and look at me, to make her listen to me, to see sense. We were in a war here, and this was a battle. You didn’t let soldiers sit on the side lines, especially when the fight was going to be close.

I expected her to be angry, that I was defying her orders, that I was daring to challenge her in the middle of a fight where she clearly out ranked me, that I was preventing her from moving forward—but it wasn’t anger that I saw when I pulled on her arm and made her face me. Not Anger. Desperation. “You can’t go out there Anna Belle, you just can’t.”

“Give me one good reason I can’t go out there and fight next to you.” I challenged.

Priya gave me the look again, but I wasn’t backing down. I couldn’t sit on the sidelines while my friends went out to fight. And then suddenly, my hand wasn’t around her wrist anymore, but she wasn’t pulling away either. Her hand slipped around to the small of my back, and she pulled me in close, kissing me half on the mouth in one hard fast motion. “You can’t be out there Anna Belle because if you are out there I will be distracted worrying about you and I need to not be distracted okay.”

I’m not sure what expression was on my face now, but I don’t think it was very reassuring for poor Priya.

“Look, I’m sorry. Now is not the time but—We’ll talk about it later. For fuck’s sake, Anna Belle, go help fortify the medical room or something but please, please, don’t ask me to take you out there again, please. I just can’t do it.”

I blinked, and nodded. Priya, for the first time in weeks, looked slightly relieved. She kissed me again quickly, and then in a blink she was gone. I stood frozen for a few moments longer before realizing that I had to move. As I made my way back towards where the medical rooms were, I found that it was happy kind of stunned. I hadn’t known what I wanted until it was presented before me. But I wanted Priya. And she—well she definitely something’d me too.

He was sure that she was more beautiful now than she had ever been. Yes, her face was red and covered in sweat. Yes, her hair was only half still in it’s pony tail and a tangled, damp mess. Yes, his hand was still throbbing from where she’d nearly broken all the bones in it. But she had never looked so good in all the time he had known her.

“Stop staring at me,” Haley protested weakly, smiling for the first time in hours. “The fruit of my labors is over there. Stare at her.”

“Fruits of your labor. Funny,” Russell chuckled. He didn’t let go of Haley’s hand, but he did look to the nurses who were cleaning and wrapping up their newborn daughter.

“Well, I try,” She quipped, but then she dropped his hand and reached out with both arms to the bundle the nurses were handing her. Haley smiled, and then made a silly little face when the little girl blinked up at her. “She is so beautiful,” Haley sighed, almost involuntarily.

“You both are,” Russell smiled, kissing both his girls gently on the forehead, “Easily the most beautiful things in the entire world.”

Sometimes you are lucky enough to have a big ol’ family. And sometimes you are lucky enough to have all of that family come back to your hometown for Thanksgiving. And sometimes, that means you just have so very, very much work to do, that you allow all other responsibilities fall to the wayside. Because sometimes you are lucky enough to be happy to say that family always comes first.

I’m taking the rest of the week off for Thanksgiving with my family. I hope you have a good thanksgiving–or just a good week if that’s more you style. I’ll see you next Monday.

“I loved your mother,” He said, point blank, “More than anything in the world. I loved your mother so very, very much. I would have moved the world to see her smile. I wanted to give her everything she ever wanted, which—unfortunately from my perspective—was not me.

“No—who she wanted was your father—who I did not love—who…” he trailed off for a second with a vague gesture of his hand. She didn’t need him to tell her who her father was. She’d heard the horror stories, the ones she hadn’t lived through anyway. “It’s not that your mother didn’t know what your father was like. She had to have known, but for some reason she loved him in spite of all that. I guess you have to respect her for that. She did love him—but made no excuses for him. When the unthinkable happened, when things got bad—she sent you to me. I guess she remembered my friendship—my loyalty—and knew that I would do anything that she asked, anything in my power to keep you safe.

“So, you’re safe. You’ll always be safe with me, no matter what. Because your mother asked me to keep you safe. Every time I see you I am reminded of the promise I made her. I’m reminded that she loved you more than anything, and I loved her more than anything. So you have to live, and you have to stay safe. No matter what. I can’t promise you much, but I promise you that.” He nodded with a sense of finality, and headed out of the room, the lock clicking into place behind him.

My parents are dead. My Dad’s truck slid on a patch of black ice coming home from their anniversary dinner and ran them into a concrete wall. They were both dead before the paramedics even got to the scene. There’s nothing I can do to change that. And that’s okay.

I’m going to miss them for the rest of my life. It would be ridiculous to imagine that I wouldn’t. But if I don’t find a way to move forward—then I’m just disrespecting the memory and the legacy they left in my hands. I will do right by them.

It felt like I didn’t know how to not be sad. Not anymore. Even the things that amused me just floated by, an occasional smile in the world of things that were weighing on my heart.

How was I supposed to make things right again? Without them in my life, I didn’t know how to move forward. I didn’t know how to do anything. I didn’t feel like I was supposed to exist without them there to be with me.

They told me the loss would be bad. And I did believe them, but I never imagined this bad.