Main Menu

Image Slider

One of the things I
really struggled with in my career, especially when first starting out, was
figuring out how to handle all of the different personalities and communication
styles. It took me a long time to learn that the only person I could control was
me, and that often I was part of the problem. (Unbelievable!)

Realizing that I wasnot as lovable and easy to deal with as I
thought led me to search for a way to change my prognosis. Learning to
think more strategically about my interactions changed the game for me. Almost everything I
learned came from one of the best-selling self-help books of all time, thanks
to the practical and easy-to-apply advice.

Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People" was originally published in 1936, and I've
been amazed at how effective the advice is eight decades later. After testing it
out for myself over the past year, I've been equally amazed at how every step
in this book seems to be "common sense," yet so few people seem to
take those steps (myself included, prior to reading it).

You know that old adage that 80% of success in a job is your ability to deal with people? Applying the tips from this book proved to me it's true not just for the workplace, but for life in general. For those of you who don't sit in airports
with your Kindle for several hours every week, I've synthesized Carnegie's tips
below.

#1 Be genuinely interested in other people

If you want others
to enjoy your company, you must enjoy theirs. This means develop real
friendships. Ask questions. Get to know people. Remember their names! Encourage
others to talk about themselves. Let the other person do a great deal of the
talking. This one was a struggle for me, so I started focusing on asking
continued follow up questions and it's amazing how much you can get to know
about someone when you just ask. My friend Jocelyn
told me that when she first started interviewing, her dad told her: "If
you walk out of there and they did most of the talking, you've got it." It's so true!

#2 Give people honest appreciation

Sigmund Freud argued
that almost everything that we do stems from a desire to be important.
Instilling in others a feeling of being appreciated is the fastest way to feed
that desire to be important, and most people are starving for that feeling.

Carnegie notes that
giving honest appreciation should not be confused with flattery, which is
insincere. Genuine appreciation is specific, and true. The person receiving it
can sense the difference.

#3 Talk in terms of the other person's interests

With the exception
of your friends and family, most people don't really care what you want. They
care about their own interests, what they want and need. Re-frame your
interactions to consider what the other person wants, and figure out how to tie
up what you want with what they want. This is sort of Sales 101 but works in so
many different settings, because it makes the other person happy to do what you
suggest.

#4 Give people a fine reputation to live up to

In addition to some
of the basics of making people feel like they matter (such as learning and
remembering their names), Carnegie suggests that you make the effort to give
people a fine reputation to live up to, meaning that you treat them according
to their ideal reputation. When someone makes you feel like you're the
best-of-the-best, you feel the need to prove them right.

When I was in eighth
grade, my language arts teacher pulled me aside after class to talk. She must
have sensed how awkward I felt, too skinny with big feet, a bowl cut, glasses,
and braces; entrenched in decidedly uncool
hobbies that required me to lug around a violin case and a toolbox of all my
paint supplies. She told me that I was smart, and someday that would be cool -
and told me she would place me in the advanced language arts track for high
school if I committed to continuing to work as hard as I did in her class. That
conversation that she probably doesn't remember kept me going for years.

#5 Begin all conversations in a friendly way

Even when those are
tough conversations or discussions. As Lincoln said, "A drop of honey
catches more flies than a gallon of gall." I've personally tested this one
on tough clients and even at the airport.

Once, I mistakenly
booked my return flight from Nice to Chicago for the wrong day (!) and realized
it at the airport. British Airways was in the middle of a strike, and the line
at the check-in counter was filled with angry travelers. I approached the counter
of an extremely agitated agent, and said to him in Kindergarten-level French:
"Hello! I need to change my flight. It is all my fault, I booked for the
wrong day. You have so many other concerns right now, and I am so sorry to be
another bother to you! If it will take too much of your time to fix my mistake,
I understand."

Beaming, he replied
in English: "No problem at all! Let me see what I can do for you!" I flew home an hour
later, in first class. (And wrote to British Airways thanking that agent by
name.)

#6 Don't criticize, condemn or complain

At least when at
work, or in public. When something isn't going your way, pause instead of
allowing your negative impulses to take over. Make an honest attempt to
understand where the other person is coming from, and why they do what they do.
Finding a way to see things from the other person's point of view helps to
diagnose their bad behavior and potentially resolve the problem. Remember that
criticism, condemnation, and complaints are essentially unproductive - nothing kills ambition to change faster than these three.

#7 Assume positive intent

In contrast to criticizing, condemning or complaining, assuming positive
intent and appealing to nobler motives will never, ever fail. This is one of
the hardest to do, but one of the most effective. Carnegie gives so many
examples of daily interactions we can improve by drilling this assumption into
our subconscious minds.

#8 Understand that you can never, ever "win" an argument

The only way to win
one is to avoid it entirely. When someone disagrees with you, don't argue.
Instead, follow Dale's tried-and-true steps based on Socrates' 'yes' method:

Welcome the disagreement

Express
thanks that it was brought to your attention. Acknowledge that the disagreement
may be an opportunity for you to prevent or correct a serious mistake.

Distrust your instinctive first impression

Which
is to become defensive. This is another area that I struggled with for far too
long. Be careful, control your temper, stay calm, and quiet your first reaction. They say you can
measure the size of a person by what makes him angry.

Listen first

Give
whomever is disagreeing with you a chance to speak, and let them finish. Don't
interrupt, resist or defend yourself as this just builds further disagreement.
Remember that you're trying to build a bridge of understanding

Look for areas of agreement, and be honest

After
you've heard the person out, actually say out loud the points that he or she
mentioned with which you agree. Look for opportunities to admit your own error
and apologize. It will disarm the other person.

Promise to think over the other person's ideas

And
mean it, because they may be right. It's a lot easier to think over their
points than to ignore them and then realize they were right down the road.

Thank the other person sincerely

Anyone
who takes the time to disagree with you is interested in the same things that
you are interested in. Thinking of them as people that want to help you makes
things easier.

Postpone action to give both of you a chance to think
things through

Suggest
a follow up meeting the next day, and prepare for it by asking yourself hard
questions.

#9 Show respect for other people's opinions and ideas

Even if they are
terrible ideas, never say "you're wrong." Instead, be sympathetic
with the other person's ideas and figure out how to get them to say yes to what
you both agree on. Begin with praise, and call attention to mistakes indirectly
and privately where possible to let the other person save face. Use
encouragement, and make any fault seem very easy to correct.

Calling attention to
your own flaws and mistakes before calling attention to other's is also
effective in demonstrating respect. One of the best nuggets of wisdom I've
gotten from my mom was to consider what Wes has to put up
with about me before I judge or criticize him. Hard pill to swallow, but it
works.

#10 Admit when you are wrong

And do it quickly
and emphatically. Pride does not make you likable or influential, quite the
opposite.

Once, I was late
submitting a critical report because I was waiting on a (higher-ranking)
colleague who didn't give me his inputs despite repeated reminders. I was
FURIOUS, then entirely shocked that he admitted fault, cc'ing our boss to admit
the blame was on him. Proof enough for me that honesty is disarming; I'll
follow him anywhere because of that!

#11 Let the other person feel that the idea is his or
hers

I once heard an
expression that you can accomplish anything on Earth if you don't care who gets
the credit. This has been proven to be true over and over again in my career!
Carnegie provided a great example in the book, about a colonel named Edward
House who is famous for having enormous influence over President Woodrow
Wilson.

The method House
used on the president was simple:

"After I got to
know the President," said House, "I learned the best way to convert
him to an idea was to plant it in his mind casually, but so as to interest him
in it - so as to get him thinking of it on his own account. The first time this
worked was an accident. I had been visiting him at the White House and urged a
policy on him which he appeared to disapprove. But several days later, at the
dinner table, I was amazed to hear him trot out my suggestion as his own."

#12 Ask questions instead of giving direct orders

Instead of pushing
people to accelerate their work and rush to accomplish your objectives, ask
them questions: "Is there anything we can do to handle this in a faster
way?" or "Can anyone think of a different process that would make
this simpler and easier?"

One of my high
school best friends, Michelle, has worked as a reporter for years. She once
told me a story about this proud but cranky old cameraman who refused to take
suggestions from reporters on anything related to the video, which is a huge
problem if you want to do a fresh angle or a creative shot.

Michelle approached
this cameraman, and asked him for advice: "I know you've been doing this a
really long time, and one of the best in the business so I'm hoping you'll give
me your perspective. I'm not sure if we have the ability to do the shot this
way, but thought you could tell me if it's possible"

His response?
"Of course it's possible! Here's what we need to do…"

If you've made it
all the way through this post, congratulations and thank you so much for
reading! I'd love to hear your thoughts on this list of tips, examples of
what's worked well for you when it comes to winning friends and influencing
people, or other great books on the topic. Let me know in the comments, or feel
free to shoot me an email.

This navy silk dress (an eBay replacement of the original Fluet verison I've had for years) is one of the most comfortable dresses I own: it's a breathable washed silk, a super loose cut, and covers my shoulders. It's on the short side, so I've only ever worn it casually with flats and never considered trying to spice it up to wear for a dressier occasion.

That is, until complete closet boredom set in. Lately, I've been overcoming that kind of rut with some good old fashioned outfit planning, and this time around forced myself to rethink some of my tried-and-true basics. Breaking some of my own style rules and attempting to make this basic dress appropriate for a wedding was a stroke of genius that made me fall back in love with it all over again.

There's a section of my closet that still has a few under-utilized items, including this pair of fancy Italian black suede t-strap sandals that I've been saving for dressy occasions (which are few and far between in my life these days). Pairing this dress with fancy shoes and a simple leather baguette clutch made me feel like that scene in Pretty Woman where Julia Roberts becomes classy. And it felt kind of wrong because I normally never wear heels with short hemlines but the sleeves, high neckline and loose fit convinced me it was just wild enough. (It also passed the Catholic schoolgirl test: hem must be minimum of two inches longer than fingertips.)

It worked equally as well with some old leopard sandals that I rarely wear, a vintage patent leather Gucci bag, and an 80's door knocker necklace that normally decorates my dresser. Breaking my own rule about wearing only one vintage thing at a time and then realizing that I was all wrong about that rule made me seriously question my judgement.

Try it, I
dare you, the next time you feel like you're out of things to wear. Here are the highly scientific steps:

#1 Select a casual dress you love but kind of bores you.

#2 Unearth your favorite pair of fancy heels and put them on.

#3 Add a coordinated bag.

#4 Apply bright lipstick.

#5 Dance around your house, take a few selfies for reference purposes.

Voila, instant wedding outfit you already own. I
guarantee you'll be wearing it to a dinner party soon. If you're like me, all
that excitement and newfound ability to change the lens with which you view
your closet will cure your hunger to buy a new dress.

Ok, that's all for now. Please forgive my radio silence, it's been a crazy couple of weeks. (It's currently 9:35 p.m. on a Tuesday night and I'm sitting in a Marriott eating a Chipotle carnitas bowl with a plastic coffee lid because I was so distracted I left without silverware. If you're wondering whether to feel bad for me or admire my resourcefulness, I'm also pondering that question...)

Anyway, back to the topic on hand: I'd love to hear your thoughts on how you breathe new life into the old favorites in your closet. (I still have four and a half months to go on this no new things experiment and need all the ideas I can get.)