In love with an alcoholic with so much baggage and feel broken and lost

I just joined today and wanted to share my (very complicated and long) story in the hope that people might want to read and offer some guidance.

I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years and living together. We'd also been together for a year about ten years ago...The break up then was a lot down to me feeling insecure, having trust issues, and identifying he had an issue with alcohol.

We were in our early 20s then so at that time I was also a bit of a party animal but near the end of our relationship I got my dream job and threw myself into work. I worked all the hours under the sun and looking back I realise that work was my safe place! Work was were I felt empowered and in control... this is how I am still, ten years later.

Since our break up ten years ago, he had two daughters (the youngest is his only biological child, and the oldest isn't but he raised her as his own)

The girls are really special and I have a lovely bond with them. He's a good father and I have complete admiration for him for taking on a child that isn't his own...

However the complexities of his life make it very challenging for me on a day to day basis. For example, the mother (M) of his children was the woman he went with immediately after we had a fight ten years ago...
We'd broken up, reconciled a few days later (or so I thought) then fell out again... and he went to a party and slept with the future mother of his children... I'll bet you're wondering why I wanted to get back with this guy?

Anyway...their story goes like this:

They ended up having a toxic relationship - a chemical romance of drugs and alchohol and no real definition as to what their relationship was.

Whilst they were 'dating' , she then slept with someone else - a married man - and got pregnant. The married man (who was already expecting a baby of his own) didn't want anything to do with her.

My boyfriend (B) at that time wasn't sure if the baby was his or not...so whilst waiting for the results of a paternity test, he looked after... felt sorry for her (she made it out as though all her friends ostracised her) and B's hero complex was activated, and he started to help her with new baby. He then discovered that it wasn't his, but their messed up romance continued anyway ... but since B wasn't entirely committed to M.... M said that doctors told her it was impossible for her to have any more children due to complications from birth... chemical and mutual depression romance continued...M seduced B... then got pregnant again.
M said it was a "miracle pregnancy" and so there was no way she would abort even although B begged her to.

Ten years later...B is a great dad ...and although he'd left M years at the time she was pregnant with his child, he stepped up as a dad to both children. He moved on, met someone else and had a 4 year relationship ... that ended... and B and I reunited. It was totally out the blue.

I believed time and responsibility had changed him, matured him. And I thought I was in stronger place mentally and emotionally...

But within weeks of us getting back together, M confessed to B that she was still in love him....after all these years. B expressed to M that she must move on. In retaliation, M stopped B from seeing his children making his life miserable and driving him to drink every night.

Before getting back together, I believed he cut down on drinking and this was a huge reason why I gave us another chance... but the stress of not seeing his kids drove him right back into that place.

M knows all about his depression and struggles with booze, and is fully aware of B's issues about his own father who was an alcoholic and committed suicide when B was 18.

I believe that this drive in B to be a great dad has a lot to do with him not having his own dad... and so M uses the children to control him.

I found all of this incredibly testing as his partner ... I'm in love with a depressed alcoholic, who seemed very happy with me for the first several months... but his drinking issues and custody issues with this crazy ex began to effect me....

I didn't know how to support him well enough! My insecurities would flare up all the time... I questioned how the hell can I cope with this drama long term... for the rest of my life. And any little trigger of him meeting some other woman made me feel very scared and threatened.

It was like everything inside us, past and hidden, flared up to challenge us as a unit...! we love each other deeply but are we too weak to deal with all this?

B continues to assure me he loves me, we'll stay strong together... so I hang in there... and every few months she stops him from seeing his kids for months and months on end. There has been no normality. I think the stress ended up making me have a miscarriage (accidental pregnancy) ... the first time I ever got pregnant last year. It was terrifying but whilst pregnant I eventually felt happy and excited...though also didn't know if I could keep it. It was a traumatic time.

After miscarriage, destructive fights between us continued... so much of B's energy and focus was on his kids and custody issues with M, and less focus was on me... I felt very insecure...So much so that I decided to get a new place of my own so we could have space from each other and a feeling of 'security'... so that I'm not so dependent on him emotionally and financially.

But overall our relationship has become toxic because of this cycle of on and off. We are both very sensitive and quick to anger... he says that my lifestyle stresses him out and he can't handle it. I'm an artist with big dreams... and although he loves the end results of my work, he says he can't handle the process I go through creatively.

But he also loves the way I am.....Eventually we broke last weekend... it was over. I realised this was inevitable because it couldn't go on like that.

But yesterday we started to rekindle things ... He invited me to some street party event... he was already half-cut by the time we went out. He was drunk, loved up and 'happy' and I foolishly went along for the ride with him hoping it was a way to build bridges... But he got completely inebriated and I started to feel anxious.

We then met a girl and her friends from his workplace (and this bothered me too as I could see they get on well!) and this made my insecurities come up ... seeing a 'happy girl' in his presence and him obviously drawn to happiness... and me very unhappy about how things have been... But I tried to keep my cool and just stop thinking too much.

B knows I have these insecurities and so he also tried to make me feel reassured which I appreciated... But the whole situation just felt so testing....because here I am trying to make this work with my achoholic boyfriend, at a street party, with loud music, booze everywhere, and some new girls I've never met before ...one in particular I could see he had a spark with! Or maybe just my paranoia. BUT I tried to just not think about it and let it go. She already has a boyfriend ...so stop worrying and so I just zoned out and danced.

Then he started behaving very obnoxiously dancing wild moves on the dance floor and just holding this kind of aggressive energy .... and he started being aggressive towards some random people on the dance floor. He could see the shame in my face. In this moment I think I drove him to hate me or something .... ?

And so he eventually got very aggressive towards me ...he shouted in my face .... in front of girl from his work...he told me he's a single guy now. He was falling around the place! Then he walked away.... it was like being in some horrible dream.

And I got a phone call ... from B... saw him standing there calling me! But he just ignored me! I said you're calling me! He said he doesn't know me ... I'm thinking what the hell is going on!! He accidentally called me! Guess who he was actually calling, the girl from his work! To go and find her and hang out with them ...meanwhile telling me he's a single guy now. And so I walked away.

He then texted me, very drunkenly, saying he didn't know where I was, gave up looking for me, and 'we're obviously [email protected]'.

The drink brings out all of this anger and blame towards me. I know he's really unhappy about not seeing his kids but he resents me for not being happy and supportive enough. I don't know what the hell to do.

There is a good side to him too. He can be incredibly caring and loving but when he gets angry drunk, which I seem to trigger in him ...he says the most hurtful things.

All day today we haven't spoken...luckily I have my own place...I still have some of my things at his and I need to be there for work reasons next week... so I'm trying to just brave that I might see him in a few days. Hopefully very briefly as I he'll be out at work whilst I'm there.

But today, I've no idea where he ended up last night, or if he ended up in some fight or even jail. I've no idea. I love him but clearly this is a complete mess... all I want to do is go to him.

Today I signed up to speak with a therapist for the first time next week ... as I want to be able resolve my issues ...I just feel so afraid of it being completely over with B. when I love him so much. I know I must heal too and take care of myself but I just feel all this guilt, like I drove him to unhappiness... and if I didn't throw myself so much into work, and manage my time better, maybe he'd feel less neglected and less stressed ... I just pray for him, for us both... and really hope in time he'll be in touch and try to sort himself out. I know I need to work through all of this too... he before before that he will see a counsellor but no appointment has been made yet. He also admitted he's an alcoholic.

p.s. backstory of me - I discovered in my early twenties that my mother also has an alcohol problem. My mum and dad both suffer from depression. I believe my mum's problem is related to what happened to her in childhood.

I am very sorry you are going through this. Trying to have a relationship with an alcoholic is a lesson in futility. They are just not relationship material.

There are a number of things that stood out to me in your post. One is that you must realize that no one drives an alcoholic to drink. They drink because they are alcoholics. So don't think "your lifestyle" causes him to drink. It doesn't. He drinks because he is an alcoholic. His ex-wife keeping his children away from him doesn't make him drink. He drinks because he is an alcoholic.

Addicts who are not ready to stop blame everyone and everything. They never blame themselves, which is exactly where the blame lies. Addicts lie. They lie all the time. They lie when telling the truth would be much easier. Addicts lie. You don't know if all those things he told you about his ex are true. Even if they are, he keeps going back to her. Their relationship is toxic, but so is yours with him. He is toxic. He will remain toxic until he gets help for his addiction, which may or may not ever happen.

My suggestion is that you cut ties with this toxic man and take care of yourself. He has absolutely nothing to offer you. He is and has been using you and will continue to use you as long as you are there for him. If you continue down this road with him, he will take you down with him.

You cannot save him. Save yourself.

__________________Folks are usually about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
- Unknown

"We call them dumb animals, and so they are, for they cannot tell us how they feel, but they do not suffer less because they have no words."
- Anna Sewell

The Following 18 Users Say Thank You to suki44883 For This Useful Post:

I think as a codependent, growing up with an alcoholic mother, I was always tempted to blame myself for someone else's drinking because it fed the illusion that I could somehow control. If I acted differently, made different choices, said the right thing at the right time...then *maybe* they would change.

__________________Don't let what you can't control get in the way of what you can.

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10 years ago he had problems with alcohol.
10 years later he still does.

none of us are powerful enough to MAKE someone unhappy or FORCE them to drink. how he is is how he is.....before you came along and will be after. he has shown you that nothing has changed....he drinks and bounces from woman to woman.

you are right. this is a toxic relationship. also a dangerous one.....he is a loose cannon. and if he aims his own anger and frustrations at you, you are likely to get hurt, eventually. physically injured.

you are out. now stay out. he is not going to magically change into a wonderful person. he's the same guy who broke your heart and behaved badly a decade ago.

The Following 15 Users Say Thank You to AnvilheadII For This Useful Post:

There are a number of things that stood out to me in your post. One is that you must realize that no one drives an alcoholic to drink. They drink because they are alcoholics. So don't think "your lifestyle" causes him to drink. It doesn't. He drinks because he is an alcoholic. His ex-wife keeping his children away from him doesn't make him drink. He drinks because he is an alcoholic.

Thank you Suki...I agree with what you say... I'm aware that I didn't drive him to drink but I do blame myself for making him unhappy at times... :/ and sometimes being too critical of him. This would make him feel discouraged... and weak in my eyes which I could see saddened him... I could sense he felt like a failure to me, and sometimes he told me he didn't ever feel good enough for me... so when he'd be honest like that, and would cry to me telling me how sorry he is for the way he has treated me, I would feel hope that maybe soon, he would have some kind of breakthrough! But I can't keep waiting for that...!

Quote:

Originally Posted by suki44883

My suggestion is that you cut ties with this toxic man and take care of yourself. He has absolutely nothing to offer you. .

Everything you say resonates... it's just so hard not to remember the good aspects of him. He did a lot for me... he was very practical and mechanical minded, and as much as he would say things like, 'my lifestyle stresses him', he would also be incredibly supportive of my work... he had good days and bad days... but i do keep blaming myself for his bad days! I keep doing that... and I don't know how to undo that yet.

10 years ago he had problems with alcohol.
10 years later he still does.

Quote:

Originally Posted by AnvilheadII

you are out. now stay out. he is not going to magically change into a wonderful person. he's the same guy who broke your heart and behaved badly a decade ago.

How the hell did I find myself in this situation? I think I needed validation from a guy who hurt me all those years ago... I got it and then opened myself up to more pain.... was it love or masochism or a combo of both?! I feel I love him deeply but how did I get drawn back to someone who hurt me years ago... wtf is wrong with me?! I just wanted to believe in him, hoped he'd changed... and this time round I really feel he had changed ... the better side of him was definitely more mature and more committed to me than before and he really did / does love me... but the dark side just got worse!

Is there no hope at all for us? If he contacted me and said he was making an appointment with therapist and actually followed through... Do you suggest I still just leave him? Even if he was to actively seek help?

You blame yourself for making him unhappy at times? He is an adult and he controls his happiness, not you. I dealt with an angry and functioning alcoholic for 10 years. I recently left and can tell you that I am so much happier without all the chaos. Like others have said, leave now and donít look back and yes even if he will be seeking help. You will have good days and bad days but time does heal. You deserve someone who will treat you better than this!

Do you suggest I still just leave him? Even if he was to actively seek help?

Absolutely! Living a sober life is a life-time commitment. The chances of relapse are very strong unless he is truly committed and willing to work every day for the rest of his life to protect his sobriety.

Do you honestly believe he is willing and will continue to be willing to do that? What if you go back and after a few months or a year or two, he goes back to drinking, which is a distinct possibility? You will be right back where you are now, but will have wasted all that time.

You deserve so much better. There is someone out there who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated, but you'll never meet him as long as you keep holding on to this guy.

__________________Folks are usually about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
- Unknown

"We call them dumb animals, and so they are, for they cannot tell us how they feel, but they do not suffer less because they have no words."
- Anna Sewell

The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to suki44883 For This Useful Post:

S,
Welcome and glad you reached out. If you are asking if your boyfriend is a train wreck, yes he is, and nothing has changed, and it will get worse.

Of course he will call you when he realizes that me messed up and you are angry. He will call and tell you he might have issues and should see someone. Saying you might have a problem and doing something about the problem are years apart.

I would step back and regroup. I would completely cut ties with this addict and would get checked for any std's. He is a danger to you and anyone else he is around. I would cut him off all social media, block his phone number, do not engage if he emails you. His life is like a tornado and you are getting sucked in trying to "help" him.

Run and run fast. Seek support with a therapist or some alanon meetings. Ask the question why you would go out with him again, when he hurt you so badly 10 years ago. I think you knew you were playing with fire, but didn't expect to get burned again.....

Absolutely! Living a sober life is a life-time commitment. The chances of relapse are very strong unless he is truly committed and willing to work every day for the rest of his life to protect his sobriety.

Do you honestly believe he is willing and will continue to be willing to do that? What if you go back and after a few months or a year or two, he goes back to drinking, which is a distinct possibility? You will be right back where you are now, but will have wasted all that time.

I don't think he is willing... you're right.

I'm so glad I joined this forum....this is really healing for me...and great to get outside perspectives as oppose to always asking my mum and sister for advice! I feel like I'm doing their heads in, hence why I decided to get a therapist this week, lol

S,
Welcome and glad you reached out. If you are asking if your boyfriend is a train wreck, yes he is, and nothing has changed, and it will get worse.

Of course he will call you when he realizes that me messed up and you are angry. He will call and tell you he might have issues and should see someone. Saying you might have a problem and doing something about the problem are years apart.

I would step back and regroup. I would completely cut ties with this addict and would get checked for any std's. He is a danger to you and anyone else he is around. I would cut him off all social media, block his phone number, do not engage if he emails you. His life is like a tornado and you are getting sucked in trying to "help" him.

Run and run fast. Seek support with a therapist or some alanon meetings. Ask the question why you would go out with him again, when he hurt you so badly 10 years ago. I think you knew you were playing with fire, but didn't expect to get burned again.....

I wish you luck as he will reach out. You need a plan. Hugs!![/QUOTE]

thanks for this

I could cry right now...the insight here is great.

I realises I need to just really focus on me now. I've been so obsessed with his problems. Like I got addicted to them!

I think I did know I was playing with fire but my need for validation, to live out this fantasy idea of him, took over my intuition

You blame yourself for making him unhappy at times? He is an adult and he controls his happiness, not you. I dealt with an angry and functioning alcoholic for 10 years. I recently left and can tell you that I am so much happier without all the chaos. Like others have said, leave now and donít look back and yes even if he will be seeking help. You will have good days and bad days but time does heal. You deserve someone who will treat you better than this!

Brilliant you had the courage to leave him after 10 years.. Respect to you!!!

The 'functioning' part is what makes them seem 'normal' and not so bad... my B is functioning too... he's very good and making strong impressions on people. He's very articulate, knowledgable and charismatic... and works hard at his job... then comes home sad most of the time. And I think it's because of me.

He even gave me a lot of stick because I don't socialise enough...Because I don't want to go out at the weekends and party with him and his pals (who all love their drugs and booze)

It was like getting brainwashed into thinking I wasn't happy or fun enough. And yet I'm the one pursuing a career that makes me happy. and he is miserable in his job.

When you start writing things down it really helps to clarify things...

Thanks again for this forum.

The pain of LOSS still hits me hard.... but thank god for this support here.

Hon,
What are you afraid of.....He will get drunk, he will be with another women, he will kill someone drunk driving, he will wind up in jail or the hospital?

These things are all out of your control, you are not God. What he does has nothing to do with you. We all love our addicts, but we have no control over them. We should pray for them and love them from a distance.

Work on a plan... he will reach out, probably apologize if you talk to him. If you don't talk to him then he will leave you mean drunk voice mails. Then he might stop over to your house and be kind, then mean, then kind. He is all over the place. Have a plan, can you go to a friend or neighbors for a few days?

How can you avoid him, as they say on SR no new contact means no new hurts.