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Apple Inc. Triples Dividend, Tired of Mountains of Cash

Apple CEO Tim Crook announced the company will triple its dividends, to finally get rid of its huge pile of cash. But there's a catch.

January 08, 2016

It was hardly a secret Apple, Inc. (NASDAQ:AAPL) was sitting on a small mountain range of cash, but Apple still managed to surprise many with its sudden announcement today.

In front of a huge, nondescript warehouse in the vincity of Cupertino, Tim Crook, CEO of Apple, announced that effective immediately, the tech giant will be tripling its dividend, from the current $0.52 to a whopping $1.56, payable to any shareholder on record on January 1, 2016.

“It’s time to come clean”, Mr. Crook said to the curious crowd, with a vague gesture towards the building behind him, “I have to admit, we’ve been hoarding.” He went on to reveal the Cupertino firm has been storing most of its corporate profits, now reaching $2 billion, in hard cash in a local warehouse.

“Steve [Jobs] felt strongly about enjoying what he earned, and he was inspired by Scrooge McDuck”, shared Mr. Crook, “what you may have heard is true – he liked to swim in the cash. No, I can’t take questions on this”, he waved to the gathered journalists.

“It was becoming too much of a hassle recently”, continued Mr. Crook, while looking around a bit nervously, “so we’re giving it all away. Any shareholder is welcome to collect his dividend here at Warehouse 51”, he announced.

When pushed for details about the “hassle”, Mr. Crook revealed there had been several factors that led to the decision. “We started finding these mysterious blood stains in the shape of the Foxconn logo on many banknotes”, he said, “Sort of like I Know What You Did to Build Your Last iPhone”. He shivered.

“Warehouse 51”, as it was known to a group of select Finance department employees, had also been plagued by iPhone zombies; the notorious owners of an older model that can’t afford to upgrade. “At first I would come here to, you know, take a dive, but they started following me home. I mean, get a life.”

Finally, repeated actions from local gangs pushed the Apple CEO over the edge. “These gangs are not just some guys with guns. Oh no!”, he sweared with a raised finger, “they are backed by those pesky venture capitalists. They kept trying to break in to fund their next smartphone startup. That’s just civilization crumbling, you know.”