John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

Death of a former spouse from whom we’re divorced can be devastating. (Published 7/12/2016)

Q:

My spouse of 25 years died six months ago on his 44th birthday. We'd been divorced for just less than a year when he died. We have 4 children, 2 grown, 2 teens. Even though we were divorced, it has devastated me. With the upcoming first holidays approaching, without him here, my kids wanted me to go to his grandparents' with them. Now, they have said I'm not welcome. And I have no parents. This breaks my heart. They were the only family I've known since losing my mother when I was 27. I am so sad, I don't know what to do.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Kelley,

Thanks for your note and though you didn’t ask a question, we sense you’re looking for some guidance.

We are not surprised at your devastation.

Unresolved grief is about undelivered communications of an emotional nature that accrue in all relationships, but are especially plentiful in the aftermath of a divorce.

And divorce, by definition, is the ultimate statement of unfinished emotional business because one of the near-absolutes about divorce is that the hopes, dreams, and expectations of making it to that happy sunset 60 or 70 years later, don’t happen.

Many people are surprised to discover that the death of their former spouse affects them so much, but as we said, we’re not surprised.

And unfortunately, we are also not surprised to hear that your in-laws don’t welcome you. That happens way more often than you might think. And of course the children—regardless of age—are the collateral victims.

All that said, run, don’t walk, to the nearest library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it and start taking the actions it outlines. When it comes time in the book to choose which relationship you’ll work on first, we have a hunch you should start with your mom. Just a hunch. After that you might do dad, and then your spouse who died earlier this year. And then finally, your in-laws, one at a time.