Friday, April 12, 2013

Back to it...

It has been a long time since I wrote a blog post.

I had to stop writing for awhile, mainly because I was grieving. Grieving and writing, for me, don't go together. I write, but its nothing to be consumed by readers. Its more of a primal scream that dissolves into a whimpering pity party. It's never a surprise party -- at least to others. Friends and family can see it coming for miles, and I can almost hear the chorus of, "Oh no, here she goes..." Sometimes, probably every time, settling into a long rant of self-pity comes as a total shock to me.

I guess then it would be a shock party and not so much a surprise party. A surprise party would involve balloons and maybe a cake; whereas, a shock party would probably have more of a SWAT team invasion/taser feel to it. When I am in the midst of it, I don't seem to realize that grief becomes self indulgent pretty much after the primal screaming has stopped. The quiet sobbing that rises up at unexpected times -- or expected times like in the middle of the night when everyone else is asleep -- if I am lucky. When I am unlucky, its the quiet sobbing that happens when I am alone in the apartment. I am not sure when the process ends. I have heard people say, "when it runs its course." I am not sure I know what that means. Who determines the course? Is it like 18 holes of golf or more like the Iditarod? Who gets to decide?

Well, the grieving is over. The digesting of the grieving is over. The healing has taken place and the moving on as well. In fact, my life is so completely different than this time last year that it is hardly recognizable. The slogging through the darkness is done. The living is richer and brighter and stronger and better.

This is a purposefully general post by the way. There's no need to detail the grief. Loss is loss whether it is physical, emotional, or spiritual. Pain is pain and from my experience it all feels pretty much the same. It hurts. Fortunately, I am one of the lucky ones in that relief from pain has come. That is not always so for people. I am one of the lucky ones right now.

I say lucky because I can't say blessed even though I feel blessed for where I am and who is there with me, but blessed implies that I somehow am more deserving than those who are not blessed. For some reason, I was given relief while others are still suffering. That somehow I deserved relief more. I don't believe that is true. I say lucky because there is no blame associated with luck. Luck is a fickle friend it visits for awhile then disappears. Everyone is lucky sometimes and sometimes everyone's luck runs out.

I guess blessings for me come with realizations. Maybe I am blessed because I realized something that I hadn't known before. When I was unlucky before, I slogged on. I made it through when I wasn't sure that I could. I know that I can trudge forward, should my luck find shelter with someone else in the future. I guess that is where the blessing happens. Whether I am lucky or not, now I know I can survive.