The Comic Book Characters We Do (And Don’t) Want To Party With

With St. Patrick’s Day just around the corner and con season heating up to boot, the ComicsAlliance staff has had party planning on our minds quite a bit. And — because thinking about comics is our actual full-time job — that got us to wondering what would happen if we got to party with our favorite super-heroes.

Like most parties, we’re pretty sure the fun would be all in the guest list. So whose invitation goes out, and whose do we “forget” to mail? CA Senior Writer Chris Sims has a few ideas:

BATMAN

Look, nobody loves Batman more than I do, but this is nota guy you want at your party.You know the friend you have who comes to the party, but only ever stands in the corner brooding and staring at everyone, only interacting when he has enough drinks to corner you and give you an hour of uninterrupted, dead-eyed chatter about this awesome new band he just saw? Well, replace “stands in the corner” with “hangs from a gargoyle that you’re pretty sure he brought himself and bolted to the wall when you weren’t looking in clear violation of your lease” and “awesome band” with “gruesome murder atrocity,” and you’ve got a pretty good idea what it’s like to have Batman come to your shindig.Plus, if he doesn’t show up with some lunatic mass murderer in tow to remind everyone that he’s only stopping off on his way to do more important things, he’s going to do that thing where he talks to you for a few minutes, then when you go to take a drink, he’s gone. And so are your pizza rolls.

Dude straight up loves pizza rolls.

THE WARRIORS THREE

At first glance, inviting Thor’s three pals to a backyard barbecue might not seem like a great idea. It certainly provides some logistical problems, as you’re never going to have enough food for Volstagg the Voluminous, enough women for Fandralthe Dashing, and — assuming your party adheres to at least some federal statutes — enough recreational combat-to-the-death for Hogun the Grim.When you think about it, though, the only question inviting the Warriors Three to your party poses is are you ready to have the most awesome party ever? Sure, they’re going to break some furniture and eat all your food, but they also have no concept of modern money, and will be honor-bound to repay you with what basically amounts to a random amount of solid gold coins. Seriously, look at those dudes: They are basically Asgard’s answer to Bluto, Boone and D-Day from “Animal House,” only with a thousand years of partying under their belt and an Allfather that runs a slightly tighter ship than Dean Wormer. These guys aren’t just going to party ’til the break of dawn, they’re going to party until the Gjallerhorn sounds and heralds the end of the Age of Man in the fires of Ragnarok.

And some of us have to be at work on Monday.

SUPERMAN

Given his reputation as the Ultimate Boy Scout, Supermanmay seem like he’d be a total killjoy, and he’d definitely be the centerpiece of the worst game of “Never have I ever” in history, as nobody else at the party will have ever been punched to death by a giant grey monster in green bike shorts. Even so, he’s got some pretty strong points in his favor.For one, you know Ma Kent raised him to be a polite, well-mannered guest, he makes the best Designated Driver (or in his case, Designated Wrap You In My Stain-Proof Cape And Fly You Home-er) you could possibly ask for, and even if things start to get uncomfortable, there’s a good chance he’ll only hang for a few minutes before he’s off to save the world from some kind of evil skull that lives inside the moon.

We say give him a call, but don’t be surprised if your drinks are suddenly and inexplicably changed into SODA POP.

IRON MAN

Let’s be real here, guys: You want to party with Tony Stark. Everyonewants to party with Tony Stark. He’s like the David Lee Roth of the Avengers. He’s rich, he’s self-confident enough to have rocked a pencil-thin moustache well into the ’90s (putting him in the same category as Burt Reynolds), and he spends his time saving the world in what essentially amounts to nuclear-powered underpants. That’s a guy who knows how to throw a bash.What you do not want is Tony Stark to party with you. It’s not like he’d mean to be judgmental, but the guy routinely hangs out with supermodels, actresses, guys who punched out Hitler and actual, immortal gods. He’s just not going to be impressed by you and your pals getting together for Rock Band and Chex Mix (even if you spring for the name brand stuff), and it’s going to end up being pretty uncomfortable for everyone involved, especially when one of your friends gets a little tipsy and then insists Tony allow her to mix him a drink.

POWER GIRL

I’m not gonna lie, folks: I want to party with Power Girl. And not because of the obvious reason, either. Well, okay, not just because of the obvious reason.

The fact is, when Power Girl’s not doing something ridiculous like hugging a teddy bear and crying because the Multiverse came back (don’t ask), her recent stories have made an effort to show her as one of the few DC characters who actually seems like she’s having fun being a super-hero. And as Shaenon Garrity points out, “Power Girl” artist Amanda Connor tends to draw her as though she’s always slightly drunk.

Just make sure you stock up on space wine, and you’ll be just fine.

WOLVERINE

Yeah yeah, we all love him, but really: You don’t want to party with Wolverine. Heck, unless you’ve stumbled into powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men, I’m pretty sure that you don’t even want to hang outwith Wolverine.Throwing an impromptu surprise party for his birthday? Sabretooth will show up and kill you. Making reservations for a romantic Valentine’s day dinner? Better make it a table for three, because Sabretooth will show up and kill you. Thinking of inviting him over for your birthday? Well, have fun when he shows up smelling like a compost heap and industrial solvent, drinks every beer you’ve got because his healing factor prevents him from getting a buzz on with any human amount of alcohol, starts a fight with a tall guy in sunglasses, and punches a hole in the wall and shreds your couch because the Calgary Flames lost again last night. Oh, and then, in all likelihood, Sabretooth will show up and kill you.

Trust me on this one, folks: I’ve read a lot of comics about Wolverine, and I can assure you that he’s the best there is at what he does. And what he does is ruin good times.

BOOSTER GOLD AND BLUE BEETLE

I’m going to go ahead and lump Blue Beetle and Booster Gold together, because if you invite one of them, the other’s going to show up too. And that’s not the only definite factor when you’re partying with these two, either:

One or more of your lampshades will be worn as a hat.

You will hear the words “Superman? Oh yeah, I totally know Superman. Remember Doomsday? I actually did most of the work softening him up.” In fact, if you’re a girl, you’re going to hear those words very loud, and probably very often.

You will hear the joke about Superman, Wonder Woman and the Invisible Man five or six times, each one with more slurring and “wait did I say this part?” than the last.

You will get a call from your neighbors the next day asking why their garage had a giant bug-shaped spaceship parked on it last night, and if you’d be interested in paying for its reconstruction.

SHE-HULK

Speaking of things getting smashed–in more ways than one–if you can get past the inevitable property damage that comes with having a seven foot-tall Gamma-bombshell and her Plus One on your guest list, you can do a lot worse than inviting the sensational She-Hulk to a shindig.

Dubious taste in karaoke aside (yes, that is Chumbawumba, and that comic came out in 2004), She-Hulk knows how to party, to the point where even Iron Man had to tell her to chill out a little. Iron Man. Tony Stark. She-Hulk was partying too hard for him. Now that’s something to see.

GREEN LANTERN

Green Lantern may seem like the perfect party guest — he comes with his own light show, he’s been to space so you know he’s got a few stories, and you should see what his date’s wearing– but things are a little complicated by the fact that we’re talking about Hal Jordan, a guy who got his ring by being totally honest and totally fearless.If you really want to party with guys who specialize in blunt honesty and have no fear whatsoever of ruining anyone’s good time, you need look no further than your local frat house on a Friday night. Just give Hal a popped collar polo (or alternately, give your local fratboys the most powerful weapon in the universe), and you’re pretty much set.

HERCULES

So who’s the biggest and best party animal in comics? Look no further than the dude in the skirt: Hercules.Seriously, it’s what the guy does. When the Avengers Mansion was under siege by the Masters of Evil, where was Hercules? Partying. Where was he after the Hulk came back from space and destroyed Manhattan? Partying. Heck, the dude even challenged the God of Drinking to a drinking contest, and was then punished for his loss by being made to party. Dude just cold loves to get down, and he’s got three thousand years worth of dirty jokes to keep the mood light.

In all the annals of comic bookery, there is no super-hero who parties harder than Hercules, and until Andrew WK gets bitten by a radioactive spider, I’m pretty sure it’s going to stay that way.

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