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Her name was 真理子- Mariko

2.10.2017

You went too soon my love.

Not sure where to even begin right now or how to collect my feelings that's been all over the place for the past one week. Didn't expect to start my 2017 with such a huge loss.

She was a healthy baby girl who's growing slightly rapidly compared to other babies i know, she's learned how to lift her head when she was only 2 weeks old and started to wriggle/ crawl before she was even 2 months, even spoke her first word "MINE" in such a solid tone. Was waiting for her to grasps 3 syllabus by repeating "I love you" everyday, and she was close to repeating it just before we left for Japan. She was perfect, everything any mother could have asked for their own child and never did any of us expect for her end to arrive so soon.

I am devastated, broken beyond repair for the recent loss of my child whom i never got to see her grow like everyone else. It's just not fair. WHY HER?
I've waited 9 months to meet you but only got to hold you for 2 months, that's not fair.

Why does my child have to be taken away from me like this?

She didn't deserve this, i would gladly give my life up so that she could go on living but the universe doesn't work that way, it fucks with us especially when you least expect it.

No parent deserve to go through this pain of having to bury their own child, no one. Even the biggest asshole in this world shouldn't have to.

She was only an infant, just passed 2 months and we were looking forward to many more years to come together, i also had so many mother and daughter plans planned out for us but now it's all useless because Mariko is gone.

I do not blame Japan because she died there or anyone else but myself, none of you can fathom my grief and regrets right now, how i wish i was a better mother to this beautiful child i was blessed with, my daily complaints and rants are things i wish i could take back every single one of them because i should know better that she was just a baby and this is what i signed up for when i decided to carry her till full term last year.

Maybe i am not used to expressing my love (typical asian parents) like how we always see them in those stereotype family movies, but deep down i love Mariko with all my heart and i would give anything in this world to have another chance of being her mother all over again. Anything at all.

But we all know that's not even possible, in life we are given a single chance to make the most important decisions that would impact our lives forever and there's no turning back the clock.

My darling baby girl was the only thing in this world i ask for, a life companion that i could nurture to not repeat my mistakes and be a better person in life to make the world a better place, touch the lives of others that needs it but she didn't get that chance.

She was conceived in spring, born in autumn and went away in winter (節分), many of you knew how her father walked away from our lives which i am fine with it as i didn't want a useless guy to raise this child anyway, and up to the day she died he did not even bother to take any initiative to come see her at her last moments and all he could say was "i'm lost". It made me so angry that how someone so heartless exist at all, but maybe he was right all along that his family line will end with him. It's the exact words right out of his own mouth, his own family curse that the males are unable to produce offsprings to carry out their surname and i hope it stays that way or it would be another generation of assholes.

Her name was Mariko, i purposely picked this name for her as it carries a deep meaning which i believe will eventually play a role in her life as she grows up.

Her name in kanji "真理子" is a combination of "truth" & "child" because she was the living truth, the unwanted daughter of a man who used to be the love of my life whom i waited 6 long years to be with but everything went south.

But i still wanted her, i truly did. She's was everything i needed in this world, and that sounds rather selfish of me as well to bring an innocent child into this cruel world for my own selfish needs. I gave her my surname "chow" since i am the one bringing her up but it wasn't really approved by her paternal grandmother who only found out about her much later which was rather unfortunate for her as she own son didn't even tell her about Mariko's existence or about our mutual decision to go separate ways. If she did not ask about the child, think all of us could go on living like nothing has happened but one can never run away from a mother's instinct, all of us should know that by now that we can never hide anything from the woman who carried us in their womb for 9 months, bear the pain of child birth and raise us till we are fit to leave the nest.

As scary as that sounds, this is exactly what makes mothers an amazing species on earth.

If only we could see what was coming, if only.
Life is cruel, life is unfair but that's the fact we all have to learn to accept in order to exist in this world. We constantly question the universe (or God) why our paths doesn't unfolds the way we expect them to, no matter how hard we try to control things so things are beyond our control like life and death.
Honestly, i am sincerely tired...worn to the bone and not sure if i can find the will to go on living anymore even if everyone tells me i have to for the both of us. Being in my shoes, i've experienced so many loss at this age, it's really gets to me. Why not me to go first instead, what's my purpose here on earth except to suffer like this. I'm not saying this out of self pity but really, why does everything seem to leave me one way or another. Loss of jobs, loss of opportunities, loss of loved ones like my ex partner and child, doubt it would end here.
I can handle anything because i am used to it by now but the one thing i can't handle is the demise of my own flesh and blood, my precious baby who didn't get to even grow up.

And what makes it even more frustrating is after all i've been put through in Japan, being separated away from my daughter the moment they took out her life support and they cut her open without my consent, not allowing me her to hug her goodbye during her last moments that night, left waiting anxiously for days just for a medical report that says "SUDDEN INFANT DEATH SYNDROME- SIDS".
No explanations otherwise.

How is that fair that my daughter died without any cause, according to the blood test she was apparently developing a cold but it wasn't enough to harm her at all. God just decided to take her back that night without warning me. I remember well that i used to scoff at the current generation of mothers for being to overly paranoid about SIDS and thinking letting their child sleep on their belly would cause them to suffocate which leads to SIDS but let me share with you this first hand, no matter how careful you are if God wants to take your child away, he would do it like how he did to my Mariko. So best to just accept this possibility, it's something beyond our control.

SIDS does not have an exact explanation because there isn't much research being carried out on what causes babies below the age of 1 to be more prone to this, there's just so many variables which can never satisfy my need to know of the exact answer why my baby died.
But i NEED to know.

Her autopsy results shows that she did not choke NOR suffocate, she just stopped breathing and her brain shut down, i still can't accept the fact because she was so healthy and couple hours before we went to bed she was laughing and being her cheerful self even after i scolded her for making a massive poop bomb that stained my white skirt while we were at the setsubun.
And when she cried in the middle of the night, i just groggily woke up to feed her on one breast while i dozed off afterwards just to wake up an hour later to find her pale and not breathing.

Can't help blaming myself that it's because of me God took her away as my punishment for not being a good mother, or if i hadn't brought her along to Japan with me probably she might still be alive right now. There's just so much pain, thinking about "WHAT IFs", I know that i have to accept the fact that she has gone back to God but deep down i can't, it's just not fair.
Haven't i suffered enough already Lord, why do you still do this to me? What are you trying to teach me? I am so sick and tired of having to play this game of life which always turn out to be nothing but pain and suffering. Unlikely i would get an answer as well..sigh.

Seeing my other friends and people who had their child the same year as Mariko, growing up so well makes me so envious that my daughter's life was robbed of that opportunity.
If any mother out there that's reading this post about #mylilparasite, please do cherish every moment with your child because you'll never know when it would be your last.
I know i have repeated this line many times but i will repeat it over and over again until i draw my very last breath because i want my lil parasite to know that i would give anything in this world to see her and be her mother again.

If you are ever reborn again in this life or the next as someone else's child, promise me that you'll find me, please Mariko mama misses you so so much and i am hurting like mad.

Waking up everyday without your cries makes my heart feel so empty, it's like my life purpose has gone together with you, i find it so difficult to go on living at this point because you are not here by my side. That sense of loss that can never be comforted ever because you were so young, a whole bright future waiting ahead and you never even got the chance to read the letter i wrote for you on your birth date which you are supposed to when you grow up.
Mama never got a chance to make more beautiful clothes for you or shower you with everything you needed or wanted. Worst of all, mama never got to say "goodbye" properly before your passing.
See how much mama is filled with regrets my lil parasite? It breaks my heart so much to go on living like this that i do not want to live anymore. Please allow me to join you as well, i need to be relieved of this pain, the pain that someone like your papa can never understand.
But we must forgive him because this is the "unfortunate fate" he has chosen to live with, yes i would gladly kill him but that wouldn't bring you back so the only thing i can do now for us is to find a way join you someday.

I know you are in a much better place right now, a place where you can truly call it paradise and where you don't have to grow up and suffer like the rest of us here on earth and i should be happy for you but right now i'm just hurting so much. I am blinded by grief and i'm not sure how long this will last. How can i live for the both of us, mama is too tired and sad.
No amount of prayer can comfort me right now except hugging your clothes that still has your scent, and really you do smell abit like papa.
Hope you are enjoying heaven my darling, where endless supply of milk shall fill your little tummy and please behave while mama isn't around ok?
For now mama will her best to be strong (not sure if it's even possible), pay off whatever debts we have from this unfortunate ordeal as it's not fair for me to go without settling what is needed first.

At least you got to see abit of Japan especially Kyoto, mama's favorite prefecture because it's rich with history and nature, was so looking forward to bring you back on your 1st birthday to see the autumn foliage but i am sure you'll get a better view from up there.
Japan is indeed a beautiful country but it's expensive to foreigners like us when it comes to medical bills, it was my mistake for not getting you an insurance before we traveled so this is the expensive lesson i have to pay for out of my own pocket. Also if it weren't for your god parents who rushed down from Tokyo to Kyoto that day canceling their flight, think i would have done something stupid like killing myself before bringing you back to Malaysia.
They are true friends indeed, no amount of words can express our gratitude for them for helping us in this time of need from helping me to speak on my behalf at the hospital, police station and embassy, without them we wouldn't even be home in Malaysia right now.
Our gratitude also goes out to Taku-san for calling the ambulance when mama panicked that night, may god bless his kind soul and if fate allows it, i'll try to find him and thank him properly in person someday.

I'm so sorry for having those thoughts at that point of time because mama was just so lost, scared and lonely without you Mariko. But it isn't fair to your grandmother as well to handle all of this at her old age, as much as i want to be selfish to end my own life but i have to be responsible to handle your necessary documents first before anything else or you won't be able to come back home to Malaysia and that's my duty as your mother.
I am sorry that mama won't be able to hold for you a proper funeral or bury you because your medical bills and cremation in Japan already left me in debt which i need to pay off with every job i can find right now. Maybe someday when i finally have enough, i'll hold you one ok?
For now let us clear our debts first before taking any other steps, mama isn't angry with anyone but herself, so don't worry about anything my lil parasite, mama will handle it.

Thank you Suzuki-san for capturing our final moments together

It's beautiful, i shall cherish this photo forever.

Just want you to know how painful it was for me to make that decision to cremate you in a foreign land before the rest of your family members get to see you one last time but that was the most logical decision to make as bringing your body back to Malaysia alone costs 1000,000yen.
At least the weather was beautiful that day, we got snow and rays of sunshine, shining upon you as we entered the crematorium to send you off, it's a rare combination but universe knows that you are special my love.
Even your bones couldn't turn to ashes, it amazes everyone that 80% of your bones are still in good condition when we picked them up. Sometimes i even wonder what have i given birth to and the only best answer to fit that question would be- "You are a special kind of baby".
And i am truly honored to be your mother even if it's for a short while, if only it could be longer.
You survived strong medication that could have easily killed you, turned out perfect despite being exposed to radiation, you are really a strong girl.

Thank you for coming into my life #mylilparasite
You have opened my eyes to many things, you shown me that i am capable of going beyond my limits and nothing can hold me back, taught me how to be a mother, learn about patience (still learning), brought me closer to my family, showed me who my true friends really are and i feel it's my duty now to continue writing about you though your physical body is no longer with us but the world shall know your name as "The Girl Who Never Got To Grow Up".

Who knows hopefully one day your papa will come to his senses as well (probably on his deathbed only). This is both our burden to carry to our grave, because both of us made you.

I am truly blessed, thank you and good night my darling daughter.

You'll always be my one and only child.Also thank you everyone for loving Mariko.

Here's your favorite song dedicated to you, i remember your beautiful smiles whenever i sang this song. You are the only person on earth who thinks i sound good :')

p/s: Mama will work extra hard to master Japanese language this year so i can write your story in both languages.

44 comments:

Hey Arisa, literally just in tears reading your post. I know that we can't do much from our side but our hearts and love goes to you and Mariko. She will be missed and please stay strong Arisa, I believe that's what Mariko wants for you <3

Hello Arisa, I'm really sorry for your loss. I was very shocked when you wrote your first post about this on fb. I read the post again and again and almost shed tears in public. I adore you and Mariko even we didn't meet before and whenever you talked about Mariko, it warms my heart a lot.I pray for you that you'll be strong throughout this situation and God will ease your pain. Sending long hugs :)

Hi, Arisa u may not know me as I always hides n reads ur blog. My tears roll down after i read what u posted about Mariko. Even though I maynot understand what u hv gone thru,n i might nt help. But i will keep both of u in prayers. I know that u r a strong woman, plz do stay strong n take care of urself, Mariko does nt want her mama to be sad too. Love u.

Hi Arisa,I was very shocked and heartbreaking when I saw the post on FB. I'm really sorry for your loss & I understand that we can't do much for you but our thoughts and prayers are with you and Mariko. I have followed Mariko's IG account and my heart always melt because of her smile.Now Mariko has become an baby angel and looking after her mama at heaven. I will always remember the moment that I met Mariko too...Please stay strong and take care my dear *HUG* :)

My deepest condolences, Arisa. I hope that you can be strong. I know it's hard for you but I believe that she will watch over you from heaven because to her you're her mother. She never forget about you. That's why you need be strong. So that she don't have worry about you. And you also need show to your ex partner that you can live without him. You're not alone, OK?

I chanced upon this post randomly, and it was absolutely heartbreaking to read. Your grief is so understandably great - what a beautiful, sweet baby. You had such courage bringing her into this world, raising her as a single mother, and bidding her goodbye. You have such courage continuing to wake up every morning - and the fact that you still have settling all the debts on your mind is something I respect so much.

You brought your daughter to see such beautiful sights. I'm sure, young as she was, she took everything in and enjoyed it. Please don't blame yourself for it.

I don't know why she had to go to heaven so soon. But I pray God will continue to surround you with loving and positive people. People who will walk with you and support you each day. I pray He will ease your pain and give you peace. Rest in peace lovely Mariko.

My deepest condolence... I have never met you or Mariko but sincerely, I can feel that Mariko is lucky girl to have you as her mama even for a short while. Take care of yourself because Mariko wouldn't want her mama to be sad for too long.

Hello Arisa,I first came to know about your blog reading the post on how bold and courageous you are to move on as a single mother, whom gave me strength to be one as well regardless all the unfortunate incident that resemble very much the same to me. Ever since then I've look up to you and Mariko as I bear my own child even though we never know each other. I am sorry for your loss, I know nothing is able to soothe the grief of a mother who loss her child but please do stay strong for the sake of Mariko and people who love you dearly. Let God do the rest. Bless you.

I'm not sure where to start as I usually don't leave comments in people's blog despite being a blogger myself, but I simply couldn't ignore this post in particular. I have been following your pregnancy and your journey silently and I was really looking forward to see Mariko grow up.

Her passing shocks me. Too sudden. Too soon and I cannot imagine how you are feeling right now. I miscarried back in 2013 and like you, I resent the fact that I wasn't given a chance to hold my baby and have proper goodbyes. It still traumatize me whenever I think back of the day I saw the scan of my dead baby. I secretly named her Aria. Nobody else acknowledged her existence, but to me, she was the most beautiful gift that I did not deserve to have. I think I was not good enough a mother to have her.

The only thing that stops me from ending my life was my son. He still needs me and I thought perhaps, just perhaps, I will have a chance to be her mother all over again...one day...one way or another. Not sure if I make sense right now but thank you so much for not taking your life and reminding us all to cherish our little ones. I need such reminder. Having a child with autism is tough and I tend to cuss and complain about my son and take him for granted. Thank you for the reminder.

I'm really sorry you had to go through all these. Mariko must be in heaven somewhere now. Just like my Aria, the child who has never been born. 4 years has gone by and I'm still grieving for her so I know you will mourn and grieve for a very long time. We simply don't forget our children just because their physical body is gone. They live on in our hearts for as long as we live. So Arisa, mourn for as long as you need but don't forget to live. She is still living, but through you. Live bravely, even while mourning. Live on, for her sake and try to be happy again one day. I will keep you and Mariko both in my prayers.

*Hugs*

Ellie Toh

Ps: You are a great mama. Don't ever blame yourself for anything. None of this is your fault. And again, thank you for sharing Mariko with us. That child of yours, definitely taught everyone plenty of lessons.She is indeed the child of truth.

Dear Arisa,It was heartbreaking to read this article until the end. My deepest condolence. It is very difficult to fathom such cruel reality. There is no way I can imagine how hard to live everyday with this burden and the only honest thing I can hope is that you will stay strong. Life surely won't be the same anymore, but she will always be in our memories. That picture of you and her was beautiful and burned to my memory as part of our joined effort to keep her existence forever.

This is such a heartbreaking post. I was shocked when I saw the post at FB and did not believe my eyes. Each lines are just so sour to the heart. I thought some day I will get to meet you and lil mariko in person. You are very strong and I believed lil mariko is blessed to have you as a mommy. So sorry that it happened. Stay strong. Will email you in a bit

Dear Arisa, my deepest condolences to u. So sorry to know about your loss. Mariko was a lucky bb to hv you as her mom. You are a strong mom and I always follow your status sijce Mariko was borned. it is indeed very hurtful and heart breaking when knows Mariko was left us so sudden. Hope to catch up with you soon after u hv settle down. Yours Sincerely, Tina Fong.

Dear Arisa, I know you would be very exhausted by now so I won't say much.

Just want you to know that, Mariko was a blessing when she was around and even when she is not around, she will always be blessing you and watching you from above like how she directed assistance to you to settle all issues to come home with you quickly.

Always strive to be positive for Mariko and know she will always be there rooting for you.

Live the life Mariko never get to live and always share it with her :)

Always remember that we are all around and ready to lend you a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen to anything at all.

Please take time to slowly settle down and most importantly take care of yourself.

The moment you chose to gave life to this baby, you are a strong and loving mom. Thank you for choosing life over death. Thank you for everything you did for baby til her very last breathe. In life there will be many situation where we will have lots of question marks and it seems that no one can give us an answer. There are times where i am total lost and have no idea who can help me. One friend told me this:" I can't help you but I know that 1 person can and He is God." For how much I was saved by Him i would love you to be saved too, physically and spiritually. In this very critical moment, please remember this: God does not bring you this far to abandon you. He is the only person that will never forsake you. "Come to me, all of you who are weary and heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. " Matthew 11:28Learning to cast your sorrow, burden, hatred, unforgiveness etc to God and let him save you. Baby has gone back to heavenly father and you need to forgive yourself and carry on your life. Why I say so? Because I am a single mother too. I can understand the feeling of guilt for whatever that we thought we could have done better for our baby. Do not blame yourself and stay strong. Allow yourself a bit of time to grief. Whenever you feel that being attacked spiritually (emotion of sadness, unforgiveness, worthless etc etc) , seek refuge in God. I will pray for you and your baby Mariko, may shalom peace be with you.

Mariko is such a beautiful baby. Please accept a hug from another person who lost our baby. Chloe would be 5 years old now if she didn't leave us.

The first thing you need to do is stop blaming yourself. The emotional roller coaster will be hard, seek help if you need. We were lucky that we had support group here for parents who lost their baby. The grieving process will be long and everyone grieves differently.

Remember that you're not alone. There are many stillborn baby and baby that suffered SIDS. It's taboo so not many people talk about the topic. I'm happy to talk if you need someone to talk to.

You may want to find a Jizo for Mariko.http://jizoandchibi.com/miscarriagethe-water-child-and-jizo/https://www.amazon.com/Jizo-Bodhisattva-Guardian-Children-Travelers/dp/1590300807

It was hard for us but I assure you it'll be better. Hope that one day you'll find peace and not cry when you think of Mariko.

Love,Damien

You never said you're leavingYou never said goodbyeYou were gone before I knew it,And no one knew why.A million times I needed you,A million times I cried.If love alone could have saved you,You never would have died.In life I loved you dearlyIn death I love you stillIn my heart you hold a place,That nobody could ever fill.It broke my heart to lose you,But you didn't go aloneFor part of me went with you,The day angels called you home.For things on earth didn't matter, but now I feel so alone,My heart will always be broken, my life will never be whole.We might be parted for awhile, our hearts will always be togetherfor one day soon we will hold hands again forever.- Parents of Angels -

I am so sorry for your loss. Words can't express how pained i am to hear that you lost your little angel so soon and when you are so motivated as a mother to give the best you could. Please do know that you and Mariko will be in our prayers and we will be supporting you through your journey of recovery.

That grief to death form losing a child is true to every mum whether the child is a fetus, baby or a grown up. And that loss will stay with the mum for the rest of her life. But one story gave me tremendous consolation and encouragement when I was going through a miscarriage recently. I hope it can help in certain you in certain way too:

The Dark CandleA man had a little daughter – an only and much beloved child. He lived for her ~ she was his life. So when she became ill and her illness resisted the efforts of the best obtainable physicians, he became like a man possessed, moving heaven and earth to bring about her restoration to health.

His best efforts proved unavailing and the child died. The father was totally irreconcilable. He became a bitter recluse, shutting himself away from his many friends and refusing every activity that might restore his poise and bring him back to his normal self. But one night he had a dream. He was in Heaven, and was witnessing a grand pageant of all the little child angels. They were marching in an apparently endless line past the Great White Throne. Every white-robed angelic tot carried a candle. He noticed that one child’s candle was not lighted. Then he saw that the child with the dark candle was his own little girl. Rushing to her, while the pageant faltered, he seized her in his arms, caressed her tenderly, and then asked: “How is it, darling that your candle alone is unlighted? His sweet daughter lovingly replied, “Father, they often relight it, but your tears always put it out.”

Just then he awoke from his dream. The lesson was crystal clear, and its effects were immediate. From that hour on he was not a recluse, but mingled freely and cheerfully with his former friends and associates. No longer would his little darling’s candle be extinguished by his useless tears.

I am a random reader of your story and a mother as well. Im so so to hear about your devastating loss. As a mother, it aches my heart to read your experience. May Little Mariko rest in peace and no matter how hard it is...don't put the blame on yourself. Be kind to yourself to go on. Hugs ��

Arisa, I guess everyone's heart broken when hearing your loss. I remember that day I spoke with you about your pregnancy and those tips you shared with me. I understand your pain and your thought of ending your life because of the loss. But, like others said, you gotta live for both you and Mariko. I am sure she doesn't want her mother to end life because she left you. Remember you promised to bring her back on her 1st birthday? She wants her mama to keep the promise ya. Stay as strong as you can, all of us are with you. Any help, we are here. Take care my dear.

Came to your post from the BF group.. I'm a mother to two now and my younger boy is few days younger than your Mariko..I know how bad it aches your heart n soul that your lil Angel is not with u physically anymore. My first pregnancy didn't go well, baby stopped her heart beat on 23rd weeks, I have to 'delivered' her in the hospital anyhow as she is kinda big by the time already, it's heart breaking to go through that process cos everyone else Is there to deliver a new life but mine is one of the baby that never get a chance to grow up.. The chances to get a still birth is very little too and I also couldn't stopped asking Why it have to be my girl...I grief for the longest time, I thought of ended my life too and I also thought I'll never healed.. It's ok to be sad now Arisa, but rmb there'll be one day that u will be all ok again! By then you will know Mariko never leave u and she stayed in your heart forever!

Do stay strong! Lil parasite will always be with you and love you more than ever (she is super grateful to have a mama like you).. You have to learn to be strong ���� and cheerful like what lil parasite does with her sweet smile. ����

Dear Arisa...just found your instagram and I am really shocked reading your story...I am a mother and I can't imagine the level of pain you had suffered losing Mariko...I can't express myself very good in English (I am from Spain) but you made cry so much...the story of you and Mariko is so sad because you couldn't be together....how unfair is everything for you both...after taking the hard desition of being a single mommy...You are so strong...I just wish you this life brings you the strenght to keep fighting for your little girl...I'm sure Mariko wants you alive...you are the most precious being for her...she is there...her little soul is there with you...there is no way we dissapear like that. Be strong my dear...and I am so sorry...Mariko lived a short time, bur she came to this world thank to you...you gave her life...she was happy and loved. You did the your best...you were the best mother. Many hugs from Spain ❤️

I'm actually a silent follower of your instagram. I came here as I was shocked to find the saddening news of Mariko on your instagram post. Your post touched my heart; it is full of love and sincerity. I can see that Mariko is such a lucky baby to have a strong, caring, beautiful, and independent mother such as yourself. Please do not give up on life. I'm sure Mariko would love to see you continue what you're doing and to travel more. My deepest condolences go out to you and Mariko. Have faith and be strong :')