Recent News

WESTWOOD, CA—In a deft and ruthless display of the utmost cunning, local woman Anne Kaminski added the phrase ‘No gifts, please’ to the bottom of her birthday party invitation, sources confirmed Friday.

LONGYEARBYEN, NORWAY—Hoping to ensure the survival of the popular women’s cut in the event of a global catastrophe, officials announced Thursday the addition of the inverted bob to the Supercuts Arctic Vault, a secure state-of-the-art facility that preserves the world’s hairstyles for future generations.

WASHINGTON—Saying that the huge breach of trust clearly violated journalistic ethics, White House aides confirmed Thursday that Chief Strategist Steve Bannon was not on the record when he issued the deafening, atonal howl that caused a reporter’s head to explode.

BIRMINGHAM, UK—Annoyed upon realizing that the housing office based its entire decision on a single thing they had in common, Pakistani human rights activist Malala Yousafzai told reporters Thursday that she was obviously paired with her Oxford roommate solely because they are both Nobel Laureates.

BOSTON–Snuggling up together in the peaceful serenity of the Massachusetts General Hospital radiology room, sources confirmed Thursday that New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski was surprised by his girlfriend with an afternoon of relaxing couple’s CAT scans.

BOSTON—Flying in the face of generally accepted beliefs about such outbursts, a new study released by the Boston College Department of Psychology found that expressing anger in unhealthy ways is actually incredibly satisfying.

GRAND BLANC, MI—In updates that reportedly were becoming both increasingly frequent and less interesting with every new addition, local woman Kate Morris was now just typing her 4-year-old child’s every word verbatim throughout the day as Facebook posts, sources said Thursday.

CHICAGO—Saying that he alone could determine the legitimacy the woman’s claim, area man Luke Haggerty will be the judge of whether coworker Delia Carroll is actually a true baseball fan, sources confirmed Wednesday.

GLENDALE, AZ—Saying he was not ready to hang up his cleats just yet, Arizona Cardinals wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald told reporters Wednesday that he’s confident he still has a couple lousy seasons that undercut his entire career left in him.

COLUMBUS, OH—Saying he didn’t even have a moment to consider his decision, local man Stephen Ashbury acknowledged to reporters Wednesday that he acted on pure instinct when he stood and watched a robbery occur.

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Sexually Frustrated Woman Just One Of The Guys

Valetta’s male friends say the sexually starved woman is “really cool” and not at all like other women they know.

Valetta’s male friends say the sexually starved woman is “really cool” and not at all like other women they know.

ASPINWALL, PA—Noting that the 26-year-old with unfulfilled physical needs is easygoing and really fun to hang out with, several of Sarah Valetta’s male friends told reporters Tuesday that the sexually frustrated woman is pretty much one of the guys.

Sources close to the situation confirmed that the woman, who is constantly consumed by carnal longing, is remarkably laid-back, easy to talk to, and generally willing to grab a beer without much advance notice.

“Sarah’s really awesome,” said Valetta’s friend Mark McKean, 27, explaining that the perennially single, sexually pent-up woman is completely comfortable kicking back and watching sports, playing cards, or just shooting the shit. “We’ll go out to the bars, we’ll be joking around, and she joins right in. You can say pretty much anything around her.”

“The thing is, I’m not that great at talking to women, but with Sarah, it’s not like that,” McKean continued. “She’s not dramatic; you don’t have to walk around on eggshells with her. Sarah never gets mad about stupid little things. She’s definitely one of the gang.”

Valetta, who frequently spends time with the group of friends at their apartments or at local dive bars and aches deeply for romantic affection, is widely regarded by her male companions as “the coolest girl” they have ever met. In addition, the marketing associate who is preoccupied with fears that she is invisible to men is reportedly more fun to be around than any other woman, according to the men interviewed.

“You don’t have to be on guard around her,” said coworker and friend Ted Reiner, 26, a man to whom Valetta gives “awesome” dating advice and whom she has specifically styled her hair and clothes to please and hopefully arouse. “I don’t have to worry about what I say to her. I’m never trying to impress her or anything. Plus, she’s not high-maintenance at all. And she’s not crazy or clingy or anything.”

“She’s just fits right in with the rest of us,” Reiner added. “A lot of the time we’re having so much fun laughing and joking openly with each other about women or sex that we forget she’s even a girl. She’s that cool.”

Emphasizing his appreciation for Valetta’s spontaneity, bawdy sense of humor, and love of action movies—all attributes that his own girlfriend does not possess—Reiner said that the tautly wound ball of sexual yearning is a cherished member of his friend group.

The undersexed woman, who reportedly feels an agonizing mixture of longing and despair whenever she spends time with her male friends, told reporters that she is lucky to have them.

“Those guys are the best,” said Valetta, whose acute, hidden craving for sexual contact is ever present and permeates nearly every one of her thoughts. “They’re such a blast. I’m always going over to one of their places to watch TV, order some food, [get so sexually distracted that I can barely focus on anything but my own carnal starvation, and then as soon as I get home descend into debilitating worries that I’ll always be this terribly, unfathomably alone]. We have a lot of fun.”

“Plus, it’s just a load off to have friends who I can be totally myself around,” Valetta added.

More from this section

BOSTON–Snuggling up together in the peaceful serenity of the Massachusetts General Hospital radiology room, sources confirmed Thursday that New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski was surprised by his girlfriend with an afternoon of relaxing couple’s CAT scans.

BOSTON—Flying in the face of generally accepted beliefs about such outbursts, a new study released by the Boston College Department of Psychology found that expressing anger in unhealthy ways is actually incredibly satisfying.

WESTWOOD, CA—In a deft and ruthless display of the utmost cunning, local woman Anne Kaminski added the phrase ‘No gifts, please’ to the bottom of her birthday party invitation, sources confirmed Friday.

BIRMINGHAM, UK—Annoyed upon realizing that the housing office based its entire decision on a single thing they had in common, Pakistani human rights activist Malala Yousafzai told reporters Thursday that she was obviously paired with her Oxford roommate solely because they are both Nobel Laureates.