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Winter lull

Yesterday was a cold, wet day. So I largely spent it indoors by the fire watching House Of Cards. I had calls to make and maintenance issues on the house needing sorting, so it was the perfect excuse to stay in and wait for people.

The evening was my psychodrama class. It goes from 6-9, which is a long time to be actively watching and contributing to emotional drama played out. Mostly, I can’t relate to the stuff people are acting. There’s a lot of drug addictions and issues surrounding child welfare. Thank god I don’t have any of that in my life.

One girl did want to act out a role play of her being a child confronting her psychically abusive father. Although the situation was unrelated to me, when she spoke of her fear and vulnerability, that raised something in me. I’m afraid that despite my previous conviction to ‘sit with unpleasant feelings’ I had to leave the room. I didn’t feel comfortable in front of a bunch of strangers feeling remnants of my past and also the vulnerability of my current situation.

I sat out in the cold evening air and had this urge to cry. But I resisted. I could have left but decided that would be just one step too far in avoiding things. So I rejoined the group and watched others play out dramas surrounding pregnancy and relationship failures. It’s certainly an interesting concept, psychodrama. At this point I have no idea whether it will be helpful to me, but I can see the opportunity it creates to rehearse conversations and to play out confrontation in a safe environment. People seemed to visibly realise how they could change things when having a scene played out, so there’s no doubt it’s invaluable for some. I’ll keep going with an open mind and perhaps find some use for it with me.

This evening is my last assertiveness class. I must say I’m glad this is closing. I’ve learnt a few interesting aspects to bettering my communication but I’m not sure as a whole it’s really for people that are already assertive, I wanted to learn boundaries for my assertiveness so I didn’t become aggressive. As there’s no one else like me in the class, that skillset has been largely left out.

After my class last night I wanted to return to the house. I wanted the familiar noise, smells and interaction from my family. But I decided to return to my house to process the events of the evening and not risk arguments with S.

I’m really happy that S has agreed to counselling with me. I’ve chosen a specialist in couples counselling in the city. Easier for him during work hours and our first session is next week. This isn’t my last ditch attempt to save our marriage or ‘hang on.’ This is about processing the events of our last few years together. Listening to each other, respecting each other’s hurt and confusion. I cannot see a way forward from this point. We are neither friends nor lovers. And resentments boil away under the surface. I think we both need a professional environment to talk about how we feel and how we can move forward. If we find each other again, then it will be deeper, honest and without residual pain of the past. In order to move forward as separated individuals and be the best parents we can to our children, we need to let go of all of the baggage we carry. We need to learn a new way to communicate with each other. And as the Americans say, we need ‘closure.’

I didn’t sleep very well last night. Often I don’t at my house. At least I didn’t have nightmares. The house is so quiet. It’s hard to get up when I’m alone. Almost as though I have no real point.

Uni starts in July. That’s a long time of not much during the day. Work is quiet. My most demanding client is back in prison, the others are largely independent and there’s no new releases.

A winter lull.

I think I need to keep myself occupied at the moment though. Despair and bleakness are slowly appearing in my peripheral vision.