“I don’t deserve this award. But then I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that, either.”–Jack Benny

Jack may have won 2 Emmys, but he’ll never win a Horsey!

Oscars…Emmys…Tonys…Pulitzers…who cares? There is a new accolade that every up-and-coming celebrity can now aspire to, over and above anything else out there.

Welcome to the first annual Outerbridge Horsey Awards, given to the best of the funny names honored herein during the previous 12-months. Yes, not to be outdone by the actors, journalists, broadcasters and pig farmers of the world, we can be just as self serving as any of them. Here are the inaugural winners of the Horseys; they are sure to be the envy of the galaxy, if not the entire universe. (Note: if you don’t know who Outerbridge Horsey is, you haven’t been paying attention to this blog. Shame on you.)

To imbue a Hollywood-like aura to this affair (and please be wearing a tuxedo or evening gown when reading this), we’ll start with Funny-Named Entertainer of the Year. May I have the envelope please? (fumble, fumble) and…the…winner…is…

Hollywood character actor, Scoot McNairy! Scoot first came to the attention of funny name fans way back in January of this year when he was profiled by Arto. He may have also been vaguely noticed by moviegoers for his roles in some pretty big films the last couple of years, including Academy Award best picture of 2012, Argo and 2013 Oscar preseason favorite, 12 Years a Slave. What he hasn’t been much recognized for is a leading man. You think the name might have something to do with that? Congrats anyway Scoot, you go down in history as the winner of the first ever Horsey. This gives a whole new meaning to the term, “hold your Horsey.”

Next category: The funniest name in Sports. Wow, this envelope is really thick, what could be in here? Whoops. Now I see why the bulge, there are two names in here, and one of them is a 240 pound linebacker. It’s only fitting that this award should be shared by two athletes whose funny names have been recognized not just by us, but fans at large. The winners are: Sicnarf Loopstok, who won Minor League Baseball’s annual Moniker Madness contest, beating out over 70 other nominees and Barkevious Mingo, who was a runaway winner of our poll for the funniest name in the NFL draft. Mingo was injured in the NFL preseason and has yet to live up to his first round draft hype, starting only a handful of this season’s games with the Cleveland Browns. Loopstok, as a second string catcher in rookie ball this past season, only had a handful of at bats. By next year he may be more likely to be hosting these awards than playing ball, but at least he has a Horsey for his trophy shelf. By the way, kudos to Dave for noticing that Sicnarf is Francis spelled backwards. Eat your heart out Nomar Garciapara!

Next is our most controversial category, funniest name in politics. While the goings on in congress lately constitute one of the longest running comedies in American history, I wouldn’t give any of those fools an award for anything. Let’s give this award to somebody outside of Washington. The winner is Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper. He did all sorts of newsworthy things this year, however I have forgotten all of them. I only remember laughing whenever I heard his name.

For our last category award, we’ll open the envelope for the funniest name in the news. Wow, this has got to be the longest envelope I have ever seen, which means the winner can only be Janice “Lokelani” Keihanaikukauakahihuliheekahaunaele who gained a Warholian 15-minutes of fame (25 if you stopped to spell her name) for her battle with the state of Hawaii’s motor vehicle department over the length of her name. And the winner is–yes–it’s Janice whats-her-name! I nailed it, though not as well as the news reporter pronouncing her name in the video below.

The most notable thing about that video is that it wasn’t a Monty Python sketch.

Finally, the moment you’ve all been waiting for. Well, OK, it’s the moment I’ve been waiting for; I want to finish this post before I get carpel tunnel syndrome from all this typing. We’ve upstaged Hollywood, Broadway and just about everyone else that gives out awards. Now let’s upstage Time and Sports Illustrated as we name The Blog of Funny Names’ Funny-Named Person of the Year.

May I have a drum roll please. May I also have a Band Aid for the paper cut I just got opening the envelope. Oh, I almost forgot…the winner is…

Elon Musk, whose technologies, both real and imagined, got his name into the news more often then any other business person in the post-Steve Jobs era. I still say his name sounds like a man’s fragrance from Yves St. Laurant, but, whatever, he still wins.

Congrats to the winners, raspberries to the losers, and a hearty thank you to all of our readers as we look forward to another great year of funny names in 2014.

Yep, Mark’s impressive like that! He knew I was going to use underhanded backroom maneuvers to fix the bets, and so he took pre-emptive action. Even when he asked me about this idea last weekend, I totally forgot it was his week. Delightful post!

What a marvelous roundup! From Scoot to Mingo, you just about covered everything good on this blog in 2013. Nice job! I’d forgotten all about Barkevious Mingo, but I’m glad he’s now back in my mind just in time for the good holiday cheer that name creates.