Vote or Die

I recently took time to watch the latest viral video on Funnyordie.com featuring Ron Howard, Andy Griffith and Henry Winkler. These three celebrities who worked with each other on popular sitcoms in the ’60s and ’70s got together for a “get out the vote” kind of message, conveyed brilliantly. I particularly liked how Ron kept up with the hairstyles he wore in both television shows.

The lines of people waiting to vote on Nov. 4 are forecast to be long. I’ll be standing in the queue with hundreds of my neighbors who walk, drive and bike to our polling place at 5:30 p.m. Here are a few tips on making the wait seem less tedious…

Arrive with a flask of whiskey. Offer “a nip” to those around you.

Wear a Richard Nixon Halloween mask. Invite people nearby to come and see your tricky dick.

Ask those in line with you who they intend to vote for and why. No matter the response, in a sarcastic tone of voice say, “Oh that’s a brilliant choice.”

Comment about how the polling place officials likely voted for Abe Lincoln, “back in the day.”

In a very loud voice say, “ACORN volunteers told you to both file an absentee ballot AND vote on election day.”

Commiserate with those in line with you about the lack of food and beverages served at polling places. Ask if someone in line will hold your place for you while you go to Subway.

Shuffle your feet and mumble how you sure wish you could vote for GW for a third term.

Tape the words, “I AM A HANGING CHAD” on the back of your coat with masking tape. When people ask you about it, act like you had no idea it was on there.

After voting, walk slowly past those still standing in line with a big smile and thrust your thumbs in the air saying, “I feel your pain” over and over.

Tell a polling place official that you left your colostomy bag in the voting booth and need to get back in there to get it. Double over and pretend to be in severe pain while you say this.

There. Any or all of these tips should help you make the wait seem much more worthwhile. And if that’s not enough for you, keep in mind that voting in this presidential election is probably the most historic vote that you will ever cast in your lifetime.