Today, Mia Freedman from Mamamia, wrote about young girl on The Voice Kids, who was understandably in tears after not getting voted by the judges after her performance. You can check out the article here. Mia uses the word 'resilience' in her article...and here's what I have to say about that... Resilience is an interesting word and one that I have to say, I don't like to use. This is one definition - 'the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.'

Children are super sensitive. Actually, in truth we all are, but they just haven't had the time and years to hide it as much as we have.

Teaching them resilience is like telling them that what they have felt is not ok, that they need to get over it. The disappointment of this little girl...and all of the others that are rejected, is more than that...it is devastation. They are being critically analysed for all the world to see based on something that they 'do' i.e. their performance, how 'good' their voice is. If resilience is about brushing this off and getting back out there to try harder and do more...then how is this supporting our young people to be confident in who they are? Who is seeing them and truly acknowledging them simply for who they are...and not because of something they 'do'?

Do we see a child walk into the room and say 'Wow, you're amazing. When you come into a room you just light everyone up' OR 'You just feel so lovely today'?

Or is it so ingrained in society that our measure of success in life is always going to be based on what we 'do'? And then does this not inadvertently send a message that 'who we are', our inner-most 'beingness', is not good enough? Yes I believe so. The whole world is trying to do more and be more...what about coming back to who we are? This just makes sense really I think people would be lying if they said that they didn't experience some form of lack of self-worth at some point in their life... So resilience is not something to champion. Nurturing sensitivity is not about wrapping them in cotton wool either...it is simply an acknowledgement of the deep pain and hurt that arises when deep inside you know that you are truly amazing because that is just who you are...but then you are not met with this. You are told you need to 'do' something to be amazing...and when you don't fit the ideal (that is not even real) you are rejected and the 'amazing' you know you are just crumbles inside and doubt starts to kick in... Then comes survival mode - either hide away or get out there and give them more. Neither of which brings you back to the truth...that you are truly amazing and beautiful just by being you. And nothing you ever ever 'do' can be more than this.

Hi Sara,
Thank you sharing with clarity on resilience & how awful & harmful it really can be for all ages. Love what you said " that you are truly amazing and beautiful just by being you." Exactly you don't have to try for being the awesome you as it comes naturally. There is nothing extra to do to be accepted. The tables need to be turned to truly nurture the real you & not what you do. With what you, you will never feel enough! In the lovely being of yourself, you just truly do feel enough <4

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Greg

7/7/2014 08:34:15 am

No one ever said this girl wasn't special in herself. The judges also said to come back next year as she was capable. I'm sure her parents love her no matter what. Is it any different from not making a sporting team at any level.
This girl did everything herself. Sourced the nomination forms, filled them on and sent them in. That is her being her. Her soul, should her parents stifle that?

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Sara H

7/7/2014 09:20:27 am

Thank you Greg for your comment. This post is to make a point about 'resilience' not to criticise the young girl in any way, shape or form. She is truly amazing, whether she sings or not. This example was simply an opportunity to question - how much do we make our children's and our own success in life about what we 'do', rather than confirming ourselves, each other and our children for who they are first. If a young footballer is only ever recognised for his ability to play football, then he starts to think that this is who he is...which is simply not true. He is so much more than that...before he has even played football. So in the case of a loss, a missed goal, a bad game, an injury, etc he is devastated because his identity is all wrapped up in this thing that he 'does' and without it, he doesn't know who he is. So when we teach resilience, we are telling them to pick themselves up and move right along...and keep 'doing', keep 'trying', push through, you'll get there, don't give up...which doesn't give them an opportunity to just come back to the knowing that they are already everything and to feel the confidence within them that knows who they are and knows they can deal with anything that comes along because they have an inner strength that holds them steady.

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Nicole Twist

7/7/2014 09:38:09 am

Yeah! Thanks Sara for what you have written. It is insidious how things like resilience are now seen to be something to attain and being a 'good' thing, when all it is, is another way to deny who you truly are and bury your tenderness and sensitivity even further into your physical frame. It is so important that you have brought a more truthful and honest discussion about this topic.

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yasmin lang

8/7/2014 05:39:33 am

Sara ,Beautiful what you have written here, I can feel the beautiful sensitive woman that I am and how I was once one who was so 'resilient' believing I was ok and that I could hide my feelings.."with a glazed expressionless look on my face" My daughter learned the same ways from her mother mmm...However that is all changing as we naturally honor our feelings now days ..whats more is that how beautiful is it to have my 16yr old grandaughter freely expressing and honoring all of who she is ....How awesome is that ! In Joy Yasmin

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Alison Moir

10/7/2014 03:22:27 pm

Thank you Sara for your blog. I am now 58 years old and I wish someone had said to me at 5 years of age it is not what you do, you are beautiful just for being you, that I would not have spent my life doing things, trying to achieve and to be noticed. All this ever did was made me anxious and needing to do more. I still find it difficult even now to accept that me being me is enough and that what I do is not who I am.

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Ariana Ray

14/7/2014 01:09:34 pm

What are we teaching our kids, is it:' you need to 'do' something to be amazing' yes! This is a great presentation of the cost of doing so and that there is another way to raise our children. In the work I do in Children's Services, I see everyday the fall out from this, and the enormous difficultly parents have separating what their children DO from who they ARE. It's as if we have all been subject to an evil spell that ensures we only see what is done and not who the person is at all, no matter wether the behaviour is classed as good or bad. You are breaking that spell here.

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Gyl Rae

18/7/2014 05:15:49 am

Thank you Sara, for simply sharing what needed to be exposed around resilience, and yes it was not about the little girl, but our attitudes and beliefs we grow up with, believing the more we do and get recognised for doing, trying and achieving is love ... when simply being us is more than enough.

Nicole you are so right that it is about just being open and honest and discussing - how lovely it is to allow ourself to feel our tenderness and know we don't have to toughen up, battle our way through, keep on coming back even more hardened each time.

Alison I so feel you on this one too, I love what you have shared, and Yasmin your joy is absolutely felt. I am re-learning how beautiful, amazing and joyful it is to simply be, and sometimes that's not everyones cup of tea, but there is such a beautiful strength and knowing that I am amazing just for being me

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Andrew Baldwin

3/8/2014 09:53:49 am

Thanks Sara for expressing what will one day be the norm... You are that You are.... not what you do or say.
In primary school, as a promising pianist (where 'improvement' would require many hours of practice) I was given a choice: football (which I loved) or the piano. But this was a Hobson's choice, as both were regarded as COMPETITIONS. In neither was the joy of expression ever mentioned: one was a war-game by proxy, the other a rigorous discipline filled with one-upmanship and elitism.
I chose football (wisely as it turned out), for as I played at higher levels it revealed itself as the legalised thuggery it was, and I stopped
playing before I was physically damaged.
However, the true illusion I laboured under was never broken until I began to put my feelings first. To FEEL what competition means in any form, and the damage it causes to those who participate, as players OR spectators.
Nurturing sensitivity, as you put it without 'the cotton wool', will engender a different type of resilience – one that welcomes brotherhood; one that leaves the body responsive and alive, unhardened by the imperative of "toughen up"
Thank you again.

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Sara Harris

Sara Harris is a complementary women's health specialist practising in Caulfield and Viewbank, Melbourne. She is the founder of a number of Programs for Girls and Women including the Girl to Woman Project. For more about Sara see About Sara Harris.