Category Archives: Sex

We’ve all been there. You have a son who’s such a large handsome boy of a son, and you know the girls are gonna be trying to tame his crotch carrot faster than you can say, “son that’s actually called your penis, not your cloth carol.” So, how do you explain the lowdown, on the getdown, on the letdown,that is sex? Sex is a joyless, thankless experience. No one wants it, but you know your son is so long and handsome that it’s bound to be sprung upon him by someone handsome and wide. Here are seven clean ways to explain sex to your pure, cylindrical, handsome son.

1. “One time a million years ago, God grabbed a holy bee and stuck its stinger into a birds butt, and said ‘this is sex, and it is sin, but you must do it for me.’ So humans did it and still do it. That’s sex!”

This one is pretty much straight out of the Bible. Not religious, just scared? Here:

2. “When the fruit bat spots a piece of fruit that it would like to ingest purely for its nutrients, and maybe its flavor, it goes after it. Maybe it’s a small berry, or let’s say a papaya. Having lost the ability to echolocate in evolution, the fruit bat uses its keen sense of smell to stick its long carrot-like fang into the papaya. Once it has sucked out all the nutrients, it drops a big guano to the ground and flies off to find another papaya. That’s sex!”

If your handsome son loves bats as much as mine does then this will make them really happy.

3. “Remember those dreams you would have about dipping your crotch carrot into a bowl of mud? That’s not sex!”

If your handsome son has had these same dreams, then it’s probably good to clarify what sex is not. Just tell him this, and every other thing. He’ll get it.

This one only works if, at a young age, you told your handsome son that his penis is called a crotch carrot. If that’s the case, fire away!

5. “If a girl ever tells you that she’s ‘really enjoying this funnel cake that you purchased me at this county fair that you invited me to,’ you need to sneeze on said funnel cake, causing the sugar to encompass her. That’s sex!”

Nuff’ said.

Metaphor too apt for comfort? This one:

6. “Once a year on your lover’s birthday you should buy for them their favorite ice cream, then light one-hundred candles in the bedroom. Then you should melt the ice cream using the candles and pour it into your lover’s mouth. After that, they are ready for sex. Slowly insert your carrot into your lover’s carrot receiving sanctum, located exactly where your carrot is except lower or to the side. As soon as you start to feel the tingle of Farmer Joe, retract your carrot, or Farmer Joe will harvest it and you’ll never be able to pee again. That’s sex!”

Ah yes, this is how I first overheard about sex. I wanted my handsome son to have the same experience, so I made sure to recite the above paragraph every time he entered a room for four months. (Side note: If you need to bring a little fire to your bedroom, try the candle thing.)

7. “Son, we need to have a talk. Katie-Alice is the perfect cubical dimension for your cylindrical body. You should ask her to have sex and then have sex. To do so, just ask her to have sex and then let her do everything. You’re adopted, and not the result of my sex, and your mother and I’s marriage is purely financial. Farmer Joe harvested my carrot, or ‘penis’ as you now know, when I was 23. It was during Mardi Gras, and so he never gave it back. ”

Feel free to use any of these clean phrases to explain sex to your handsome son. Just slip them into any conversation. I know they worked with my boy!

Do not fuck these bugs, you little scallop sack. Do not even THINK about fucking bugs when I am talking to you.

I’m sorry, Sebastian, that was harsh. I should be calmer. I know it’s hard for you, Sebastian. A man with your disposition, he gets urges sometimes. We’ve all been there, it’s something we’ve all been through. But you have to overcome it. You’re about to come of age, and I know this world holds many wondrous things for you, many new things that you are about to experience for the first time. Turning 30 is really quite something.

But the one thing you must always remember is that I am your legally appointed guardian and it will always be my business what goes on in your bedroom. Or across a cot of shimmering laurels on the floor of a glistening forest. Or in the thick, warm mud of some South American swamp. Or in the majestic hive of some colony of worker bees. Or in the viscous sap of a tall, tall Douglass Fir. These things are my responsibility to know and scold you for, and as thus, I will always be watching you from a distance of 15 feet. Enough to give you your privacy while still maintaining a firm grasp of control upon you, as you are the only thing left in my life that I can assert power over.

To make things easier for you, Sebastian, I have collected these bugs for you here so that I may explicitly show you which bugs you are forbidden to have sexual relations with.

1. The Juice Bug

The Juice Bug is the most succulent of beasts. I see the way that you stare at its abdomen, that juicy hind section, and the tantalizing way its wings fold up underneath it. But tell me Sebastian, is it really worth it? Try not to see this bug as a mere receptacle of lust, but as a wonderful creation, beyond objectification.

2. The Spotted Wingdinger

Ah yes, Sebastian. He is a beaut, ain’t he? But it is the case Sebastian, that a man of your age must learn to look upon beauty with refined sensibilities. Can’t something still have beauty without sexual attraction? Can you not look upon such fine wings and say “Wow, what a pretty bug and I’m not just saying that because I want to stick my penis inside of him. I actually appreciate him from an aesthetic standpoint, and my urge to ejaculate has since receded.” This is all I ask of you.

3. The Crawling Melonspear

Calm your breathing, Sebastian. I said calm it. This one gets me heated too. But I have since learned to keep such feelings at bay. I have long known the throws of lust, but longer have I known the power of repression.Get your hand away from there. You filthy sack of philtered fuck. I am about to let you out of the house for the first time in your life, and this is how you scorn my generous freedom? Take note Sebastian: My pupils are dilated too. Rome was not built in a day, and neither were my deeply rooted-psychological barriers of sexual restraint. Let me help you. Here, let’s try another.

4. The Fat Lady, And All The Juice That She Bears

Oh yes. You wish to know her in the most biblical sense. She is a lovely lady indeed, but do you not remember our conversation about the Spotted Wingdinger?Well imagine that they are in love. Do you want to break up that relationship? Could you let your lust chip away at such a beautiful bond? These two live together, they breath together. They hold hands when they walk through the park. They kiss each other in the pouring rain. They make the most intimate love behind closed doors. They leave a camera on sometimes to record all the naughty discourse. Sometimes the blinds are open for the neighbors to see. The Fat Lady wears a chain around her neck, and the Spotted Wingdinger puts on that pair of tights, you know the one, Sebastian, you know it so well. And sometimes the Crawling Melonspear comes by, and he loves them both. He loves them both, and the Fat Lady she gets especially bothered when he loves her precious Spotted Wingdinger. Oh she loves to watch from the corner, she loves to hold the camera and watch them go at it. And who’s this, watching from the ventilation shaft? It could only be the Juice Bug. And she’s brought gifts, oh little gifts, little trinkets, little chains, little sticks and stones and goopy potions. And then together on the bed, all together on the bed, yes, they all writhe, they all scream, yes, they shout in the throws of passion. Together, all together, one-in-the-same and it’s all about love, but in some ways it isn’t? In some ways the Wingdinger yearns to be a receptacle for lust, in some ways the Wingdinger just wants the Melonspear to use him, to hurt him, to make him feel like he’s just been thrown aside—SEBASTIAN, NO! Oh my sweet lips, you kissed my sweet lips, you kissed me right upon the mouth. Oh Sebastian, no, this was not my intention. I am five years your junior, do you not worry about the age gap? NO? Age is just a number to you?Oh Sebastian no, I couldn’t. I couldn’t dream of it. Let us forget this ever happened. Let us get back to the matter at hand. Do not fuck the Fat Lady, And All The Juice She Bears, do not even go near her.

5. Actually, This One You Can Fuck

This one is fair game, Sebastian. Fuck it hard.

6. The Last Bug Is…

Oh my Sebastian. You want to know why my visage appears on this screen? Oh dear. Well this is rather awkward.You see, Sebastian… I have told you that you may not fuck these bugs for a reason. I have raised you, and together we have lived for a hundred years. Well it’s seemed that way. But I have been keeping a dark secret from you Sebastian, and now, as you reach the cusp of the prime age of sexual maturity at 30, when a man mosts lusts for the tender appendages and exoskeletons that only bugs can provide… now I must reveal that secret to you.The truth is, Sebastian, I am the last bug you cannot fuck. It is forbidden by the law of the land.But oh, it pains me so. You don’t know how I have yearned for you. Oh my little wings how they ache for your tender touch. This is why I must let you go, Sebastian. This is why I must set you free.Oh love, she is a jealous mistress, Sebastian. She pulls at the heart strings, she is loud, she screams and she wails with envy. This is why you cannot fuck these other bugs Sebastian, because I will be watching you, and, oh, how it will hurt. You cannot fuck these critters because I cannot bear to see you lie with another bug. It would pierce my heart with an icy stinger to have to watch you cavort with another, to lie under the wisps of a willow tree and watch as you plow them right to kingdom come.

The pain would surely bring me to the grave.Forgive me, Sebastian. Forgive me for everything.

Now go, the door is open. Just go and leave me here to nurse my broken heart. I’ll be along shortly to stalk you from the mandated distance.

Oh my Sebastian, he leaves me and he is weeping. He is broken, he is shattered. I watch him go, and as he walks up the stairs I see the shape of his round, plump, thirty-year-old buttocks receding into the distance. They are the buttocks that I will never know, they are the love that I will never have. Oh my Sebastian, my sweet sweet Sebastian. Why must God be so cruel to us.

Yes, you read that correctly. No, I’m not going to post it. Don’t ask me about it again.

Here I was, reading my daily horoscope in the paper when I noticed it. I’m a Scorpio (and shut the fuck up before you say anything to me about that), but after dating Mitch for two weeks I thought it was about time that I begin projecting some pre-determined characteristics onto him, so I went to read his Sagittarius horoscope and there it was. I could hardly believe I hadn’t noticed it before.

Now, I’ve been into Astrology for quite some time, but I’ve never really been as committed to it as I am after this. In this new world of revelation, I know that every word of it is fucking true, and I’m freaking out.

My ex was a Cancer, and we never got around to fucking (if you must know), but you better believe I messaged her to ask if her breasts had ridges both above and below them that formed The Sign Of The Crab.

She blocked me on all forms of social media after that, but I am nothing if not resilient. I managed to track down her ex and got the details: as it turns out, she totally does look that way. It’s a little fucked up if you think about it, I guess. (but so is the bow thing? I’m not even gonna describe to you what sex is like, but don’t necessarily take that to mean that it’s all bad!)

Anyways, I’ve taken this all to mean that Astrology is 100% real. I mean, there’s no way this could ALL be a coincidence right? People always say that Astrology only works because it’s all written just broadly enough, but there’s no possible way that could explain any of this, right? Also: all of my horoscopes have been coming true.

Like last week, I was told that I’d be facing a big problem, and it happened! Turns out I have anal fissures. Monday, I was told that I’d be facing a big storm, and if you catch my drift, that big storm ejaculated all over my face. Tuesday’s just said: “You’re gonna have sex with your boyfriend’s freaky dick.” Most of my horoscopes seem to center around my boyfriend’s abnormal penis, but I’m past it. I love Mitch, and I especially love his weird cock.

And if you’re curious, here’s today’s horoscope:

“Dark clouds looms over you, Scorpio. This could involve a person in your love life, or someone with which you have been very intimate with, but it is certain that injury will come your way, and you may face certain death by impalement.”