Thursday, 19 November 2015

Helo deer reeders it is me agane cheers cheers!
I hav mayde a sketch show with Mark Hibbett and it iz now on lyne for yoo.
Pleez wotch it and then say to the BBC to put it onn.
Thank yoo and buy for nowe.

Tuesday, 10 November 2015

Humans of earth. Here’s the best of October 2015's DredgeLand Radio Spectacular Spectacular, featuring me (myself) and Andy Harland (himself) of that Wandsworth Radio.
You can listen to it and hear stuff. We is on every Thursday from 7pm till 8. Tweet us anytime at @DredgeLand. You can also buy us drinks (Ideally Quatro).

Tuesday, 29 September 2015

Stand-up comedian and human man Andy Harland and myself now have a weekly show on Wandsworth Radio and we'll be putting a fifteen to twenty minute 'Best Of The Month's Shows' podcast up on here, you see. So thus and therefore:

Behold The Best of September!

HEAR Andy struggle with the studio equipment!

SEE very little as this is radio!

GASP as the wacky wireless duo attempt to talk faster than was ever thought possible!

STRAIN as Andy attempts to convince John that his feature idea - "This Week's Biscuit" - makes great radio!

MARVEL at the talking topics!

DO other things!

But above all LISTEN to this week's wacky and zany yet somehow nutty compilation thingggggggg!

Thursday, 13 August 2015

A book that was previously thought to be lost by Enyd Blighton (not Enid Blyton) has recently been rediscovered, thanks to its recent rediscovery. A spokesman for the estate of Enyd Blighton (not Enid Blyton) said 'We are very grateful that it was lost. Otherwise it would never have been rediscovered.' Here is an exclusive extract (from the book).

The Secret Seventy-Seven by Enyd Blighton (not Enid Blyton)

'Let's have a meeting of The Secret Seventy-Seven!' said Peter.
'Oh yes, let's!' said Jane, shutting her book with the book shutter she'd got for Christmas. 'We'd better send out messages to the others. You're quicker at writing than I am, Peter, so you write seventy-six messages and I'll write the other one.'
'Oh Jane!' said Peter, scornfully. 'You've never been good at Maths. As you and I are also in the society, it means there's two less messages for me to write.'
'Woof!' said Spaniely the spaniel.
'Yes Spaniely,' said Jane, 'I know you think the work should be split more evenly, but don't forget I've got writer's cramp.'
'Woof!'
'And no, I'm not making it up. Now Peter, you need to write a message to Paul, Lucy, Mary, Cedric, Bill, Len, James, Wally, Dave, Bazza, Lembit, Clint, Harrison, Peabo, Vera, Gwen, Ted, Cyclops, Odin, Bamber, Rumpole, Quagmire, Tucker, Crates, Sybil, Bazil, Bingo, Snorter, Mungo, Rotter, Puce, Nigel, Arlene, Eric Davidson, Quattro, Banshee, Freddddddddddd, Sylvia, Piper, Roger, Gladys, Pilbeam, Timmy, Trite, Arnie, Mucus, Cluckton, Ralph, Muriel, Tuler, Molly, Ned, Bathsheba, Ethel, Nahden, Chips, Banjo, Phones, Carstairs, Tiptree, Sally, Kipper, Frampton, Gloy, Wilhelm, Cinzano, Benson, Hedges, Parsley, Sage, Stuffy, Scruffy, Puffy and Don, and I'll write one to Daphne.'
'Woof!' said Spaniely.
'Shut up,' said Jane.

Three months later, all the messages had been written, and this is what they said:

"A meeting of The Secret Seventy-Seven will be held on the seventh of the month in the seven sheds at the bottom of our seven gardens at No 7 Sevenly Street, Sevenoaks. Meeting starts at 8."

They delivered the messages and then went to prepare the sheds for the meeting. Peter looked round, but then again he had always been awfully fat.
'I told Mother about our meeting,' said Peter, 'and she's made us heaps to eat.'
'Oh dear, I'm allergic to heaps,' said Jane.
'What shall we get the Secret Seventy-Seven to do?' asked Peter.
'Perhaps we should solve a mystery,' said Jane.
'What kind of a mystery?' asked Peter.
'I don't know - just a mystery that's all.'
It was all becoming very mysterious. It looked as though the Secret Seventy-Seven might have a mystery to solve after all.

An extract of something similar can be heard as part of The John Dredge Nothing To Do With Anything Show on The British Comedy Guide website, or you can listen here:

Tuesday, 4 August 2015

In the last but also final programme of the series there are gannets for all the family, but it’s the raspberries you need to watch out for. Tyne and also Wear are on the agenda, along with Leighton Buzzard, You and Yours, and the front door. Original beat combo The Garglers make an unwelcome reappearance, as does Terry, and, indeed, June. But will the theme tune explode? Where have all the rostrum cameras gone? And is Don Durbridge as slightly odd as he seems?

Monday, 27 July 2015

In this week’s barnstorming brouhaha of balderdash, agricultural singer/songwriter Farmer Collins goes more beserker than ever before. There’s an exclusive wait as part of our detective serial which I’ve forgotten the title of, and Kojak tries to get out of Birmingham in his own inimitable style. Despite this, Leighton Buzzard shines forth once again, but do bring a puncture-repair kit just in case.

Monday, 20 July 2015

Both my father and my mother have been banjo players since before the war, along with all of my cousins and ancestors. Sadly I am unable to play the instrument despite having had 3,5050461 lessons, and instead I have had to make do with the ukulele. My parents have virtually disowned me and I have been ostracized by a number of ostriches and other members of the local banjo-playing community. What should I do?
Don, Prestwood

Dear Don
Why not disguise the ukulele as a banjo? If anyone asks you why it still sounds like a ukulele, simply change the subject.

Dear Dredge
My husband has decided to hire the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra to mow our lawn. He feels that not only would the large number of people involved help get the task completed more quickly, but they might give us a performance afterwards at no extra cost. We are both fans of classical music and effective gardening, but is this a step too far?
Gladys, Frinton

Dear Gladys
The RPO are not widely known for their lawn mowing skills so it may prove a costly mistake, with the possibility of sheet music left strewn all over the garden. I would recommend you use the Kronos String Quartet instead, as they have excellent horticultural skills, and are happy to give recitals after completing any gardening work. They also take up a lot less room.

Dear Dredge
I am writing a concerto for camels as I believe these magnificent creatures have been ignored by the classical music world for too long. Do you have any advice?
Len, Nahden-on-Sea

Dear Len
Speaking as a composer of concertos for camels myself, I can only applaud this move. However if you do have to give a performance in the desert, make sure you take some suntan lotion with you. I should add that a camelologist friend of mine recently pointed out that camels fear the key of G, so why not write it in A-flat or, if you need more room, A-house.

Dear Dredge is one of the features that can be heard as part of The John Dredge Nothing To Do With Anything Show on the British Comedy Guide website, or you can listen here:

Monday, 13 July 2015

Once upon a time in the not particularly magical land of Completely-Weird-on-Sea, Basil the Cylinder was sitting around doing nothing.

'Oh dear,' he thought, 'this won't make for a very interesting story.'

And so he decided to pay a visit to his old friend Harold the Hexagon who lived among the dunes of rubbish near Haha Hill, Teehee Terrace, Guffaw Grange and Absolutely Killing Myself Avenue.
Basil found Harold doing the Geometry Gazette crossword.

'Three down. Properties of squares and rectangles available for sale in the Highgate area. Erm...'

'Hello Harold,' said Basil crosswordinterrupingly. 'How are you today?'

'I'm a bit unsettled, to be honest Basil. You know the Burgon Dispenser I bought the other day? It's gone wrong.'

'Wrong? I don't understand these technical terms.'

'To be more precise, Basil, the Pinnin Valve has become completely unattainable.'

'Ah I see. Well why don't we go to the Burgon Dispenser Repair Shop? It's just round the bend.'

'So's the bloke who's writing this,' said Harold, insultingly as far as I was concerned.

And so Basil and Harold went down Haha Hill, past Teehee Terrace, through Guffaw Grange and along Absolutely Killing Myself Avenue until they came to the Burgon Dispenser Repair Shop. It was shut.

'Oh dear!' said Harold, or words to that effect.

Suddenly before you could say 'Deactivatatronalisation,' which I admit isn't something you're likely to say, into the clearing sprang the evil Gladys The No Shape In Particular!

Monday, 6 July 2015

On entering the lobby, I noticed that the carpet was an unnerving shade of blue, which in my mind conjured up a very disturbing image of a giant blue gorilla. I asked the manager if the carpet could be dyed a less terrifying colour, but he said they had just run out of carpet dye that very morning. Luckily I always carry my own supply in case of such emergencies, although when I offered to sell some to him at a reduced rate he seemed alarmingly uninterested.

I was then shown to my room on the rather unimaginatively named 'first floor.' On entering said room, the first thing that hit me was the cleaner. It later transpired that a review of mine had led to her being let go from a job in a travelodge in Swaffham. I was about to suggest she attend an anger management course, when she smacked me over the head with a breakfast tray. My well-developed critic's eye immediately noticed that the tray had not been properly washed, and I resolved to bring this up with the manager the moment I regained consciousness.

When I did so several hours later, the manager apologised and asked if he could help to make up for this in any way. As it was nearly 8.15 pm I asked him to read me a bedtime story. With no books at his disposal he attempted to improvise a suitable tale, but the unconvincing characters, multiple plot holes and lack of coherent story arc left me more awake than before. With no hope of getting any sleep I decided to dye the carpet a more relaxing and holistically therapeutic shade of pink.
Room service arrived with my breakfast the next morning, but instead of fresh fruit they brought me scrambled eggs on toast! Admittedly I had originally ordered this, but I had changed my mind halfway through eating the meal and felt they should have checked accordingly.

Later, as I was putting on my bicycle clips and getting ready to leave, I was heartened to see that my work on the carpet had been discovered, as the staff had all come to show their appreciation by throwing a generous amount of fruit my way, obviously trying to make up for the mistake they'd made at breakfast. However I have to say that I won't be returning to the Clifftop Hotel. Mainly because I've been banned. Thank you.

Peter will be reviewing another hotel as part of this week's edition of The John Dredge Nothing To Do With Anything Show which can be found on the British Comedy Guide website, or you can listen here!

Monday, 29 June 2015

This week sees the return of my comedy podcast series The John Dredge Nothing To Do With Anything Show to the British Comedy Guide website. Nobody associated with the show was available for an interview so I decided to talk to myself.

John: Tell me about your podcast, John.
John: I'd rather not.
John: Oh go on. Otherwise this is going to be a really short interview.
John: How much are you willing to pay?
John: Come off it John, you know I'm skint.
John: What? Let me check my wallet. Ah - I see what you mean. All right, what do you want to know?
John: Well, for a start, what exactly is this podcast of yours all about?
John: I can see you've done your research. It's a new six-part series containing spoofs, skits and strangeness, all in a sesame seed bun.
John: What are you on about?
John: No idea.
John: Does the series contain regular characters?
John: You mean people like avant-garde film director David Lynch and agricultural singer/songwriter Farmer Collins?
John: Yes.
John: No.
John: You do seem to get interrupted during the show by The Actor Greg Haiste. What can you tell me about him?
John: Well he's very influenced by Donald Sinden.
John: I'm so sorry - I literally had no idea.
John: That's literally all right. We also literally have a number of exciting serials in the podcast such as The Adventures of Basil The Cylinder.
John: What's on earth's that?
John: Don't ask me, I only write the scripts and appear in it.
John: What do you say to people who claim your show is the world's silliest podcast?
John: Bing ting fning gring ling ping ting ning bing qing zing pling. They usually go away after that.
John: I'm going away after that. John, thank you for talking to yourself.
John: No problem, John.

Episode One of the show can be found on the British Comedy Guide Website, or you can listen to Episode One of Series Four here!

Tuesday, 23 June 2015

Hello folks hello folks this is John here folks. Series 4 of my silly comedy podcast The John Dredge Nothing To Do With Anything Show starts next week and I do hope you might give it a listen, as we’ve been working on this one for several months - it only seems like years. There are tons of strange sketches, peculiar characters and generally odd goings on, and we’ve packed lots of ideas and weirdness into each episode. Much of this is down to producer Richard Cray who is one of the best audio producers out there. I’m not sure exactly where he is, but I do have it on good authority that he’s out there.

The new series includes regular characters such as agricultural singer/songwriter Farmer Collins and avant-garde film director/amateur weather forecaster David Lynch. We must also put up with the return of The Actor Greg Haiste who insists on interrupting whenever he has a new play out, which seems to be every week. There are some fine turns from notably funny folk such as Anil Desai and Max Dowler who provide a host of nutty voices and impressions, Anna Emerson Out Of Sketch Group The Boom Jennies (who appears to be turning into Joyce Grenfell), mad continuity announcer Miles Eady, all-round comedy human James Shakeshaft, and Will Franken, who often ends really long sentences like this one. Katy Slater provides a host of excellent vocal performances an’ all, and I’m in it somewhere or other, possibly both. The whole shebang will be starting on the British Comedy Guide website on June 29th. You can hear Series 1-3 on there now, but not unless you listen to it. Until next we meet, this is me saying goodbye, so long, farewell, and in that order!

Sunday, 17 May 2015

We've been recording like a bunch of mad recording people over the last few weeks to bring you the new series of The Nothing To Do With Anything Show, and they're sillier than ever before. Here's what just one person has said about them:

'They're sillier than ever before.'

The first one should be on the British Comedy Guide website at some point in June, so I'll let you know when that happens. In the meantime here's some music, and the new trailer for the show courtesy of ace video-making person Joseph Champniss...

Wednesday, 15 April 2015

Work continues on my new series of weird comedy podcasts and that. We are now looking for strange sound effects, the like of which you have never heard if not more so. Also my good friend and part-time wig repairer to the House of Lords, Joseph Champniss, has come up with a excellent YouTube trailer for the show which will be on that very 'site de web' (as the French say) at some point in time, possibly both. I'm also trying to think of places in the press where they promote podcasts - if anyone knows do get in touch.

We're also lining up stars of Stage, Screen and Horticultural Society Annual Dinner Dance for the new series including:

Greg Haiste - fresh from his West End stint in The 39 Steps. He played Step No 38.Anna Emerson - of Radio Four comedy series Mission Improbable, she has exactly the same name as other people called Anna Emerson.Mark Davison - comedy actor, person in adverts and winner of many made-up awards.James Shakeshaft - standup comedian, sit down actor and squat thrust trainee.Katy Slater - actress with many wok-based skills, and part owner of a part exchange.Richard Cray - voice man, producer and purveyor of unsuccessful aquatic golfing equipment

These are just some of the people you have never heard of who might or might not be working towards a greater future for you and your podcast listening. Coming soon....

Tuesday, 7 April 2015

Writing is now underway for the next series of my silly comedy podcast entitled The John Dredge Nothing To Do With Anything Show. There have been three series so far, hosted by The British Comedy Guide website, and we've been lucky enough to build up a strong following along with some great reviews which culminated in winning Best Comedy Podcast from the well-respected Good Podcasts website last year.

If you've never heard the show, it's basically wall-to-wall nonsense and hyperactive absurdist escapism - we all need a break from the real world occasionally, right? This series sees the return of many established weird and wonderful characters along with lots of new nutty ideas both hither and yon.

My producer Richard Cray and I have been slogging over a hot keyboard to bring you what will hopefully be six new fifteen-minute episodes. I enjoy writing for the audio genre as you can go anywhere and do anything, and all for the price of a Green Shield Stamp. We hope to have the regular cast of funny folk back for the new series, so it should be a lot of fun and oddness.

Sunday, 8 February 2015

It's that time of year when many of us are thinking of looking for a new job, otherwise known as 'every day'. Here are seven top 10 tips to help you with that all-important so-called 'job interview.'

1. Find out where the interview is due to take place. If you don't know, it will be very difficult to get there on the day. Once you know the location, do a practice run. Even a practice walk will be better than nothing.

2. Be prepared. Take along your own table and chair in case none are provided. Bring a newspaper to read during unnecessarily long questions. A packet of Monster Munch may also prove useful. Don't forget to offer them round!

3. Emphasize your strengths. Are you a natural communicator? If so, it might be a good idea to avoid applying for a government position.

4. Make a confident first impression. March into the room claiming you are of royal stock, before standing on the table and shouting 'Victory is mine!' Then salute smartly and fall sideways onto the floor. This will show you have a sense of humour.

5. If your opening handshake does not go as planned, and results in a window being broken, distract the interviewer with a farmyard impression of your choice. These personal touches can really make a difference.

6. Because of initial nervousness, you may not hear or remember the names of your interview panel, so simply refer to them all as 'Basil'.

7. Employers are often looking for youthful candidates, so repeatedly use phrases such as "Wassup?" and "What you talking 'bout, Willis?"

By following this advice, you can turn yourself into a candidate who would not look out of place in an institution.

Monday, 5 January 2015

Hope you might watch the latest (very) short comedy film by me and Mark Hibbett. We've been featured on the British Comedy Guide site and Chortle so far and are scheduled for the 'Short Film Sunday' site next month. Hope you might give it a go - the link is above and we think it's pretty funny!