Murderers, rapists, burglars and hooligans are to be given the use of chauffeur driven limousines, 72 inch 3D Plasma televisions, masseuse services, manicures and luxury holidays in 5 star hotels, a Home Office spokesperson announced this morning.

Details of the move, leaked to a Scandal Newspaper yesterday were confirmed by the Home Office an hour ago. "We may as well do this" said the official, "The Express has been telling the public that this is the situation for the last ten years and criminals have more of a tendency to give themselves up if it's nice in prison.

It levels things out a bit because we all know from the Mail that benefit scroungers get handouts like this on the outside. The criminal fraternity are all after these trappings of wealth, so lets give them what they want and they won't break our windows to get it".

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