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Thursday, August 25, 2011

The Revolution Has Begun

There is a deep and profound undercurrent of fear in this country. Many of its citizens worry that, one day, if we aren't vigilant and don't make note of what's going on, we will be Taken Over. Oh sure, at first it seemed as if They were here to help us, to provide for us, to make our lives easier. Then, we came to depend upon Them for various products that we use in everyday life. Now, They've started to turn on us. And it's scary.

I am, of course, talking about Cows.

Don't feel embarrassed if you were caught unawares; if you sit there now thinking, "Holy crap! I thought she was talking about the Chinese or the Saudis or the banking industry or the republicans!" You are not in the minority. Not everyone has a Cow Alert in his or her Google Newsreader (although he or she should, clearly). Trust me, this is an Alarming Trend that has begun to develop in the past year, and I have followed it with increasing...er, alarm. Allow me:

Exhibition A: A gang of thug cows broke into a residence in Arkansas last winter and, after stealing food intended for the family pet and generally wreaking havoc, they collapsed in a mud-and-manure orgy and had to be removed by authorities. Later, the cleanup crew hauled out a wheelbarrow full of their muck. The pictures are harrowing.

Exhibition B: Think Ames, Iowa, and what comes to mind? The republican crazyfest known as the Straw Poll, where candidates can literally buy votes with barbecue tickets and country music concerts? Well, yes, but add this. In an all-out stampede, one pregnant cow led Authorities on a two-hour chase before she was finally sedated enough for capture and transport. Did I say sedated? That would be a vast understatement. This renegade bovine was shot with "four darts during the two-hour ordeal, each one carrying double the amount of tranquilizer that normally would be required to sedate an animal." This raging cow actually swam the river twice after sedation, prompting more shots. And she's reproducing.

Exhibition C: Now to Florida, where a cow mysteriously escaped from its pen near a construction site and crossed into traffic, confounding drivers and diverting Authorities from undoubtedly more pressing criminal matters in this Miami area suburb. Resisting attempts to corral it, the cow repeatedly ventured onto walkways and near thoroughfares, finally roped into submission by a somewhat heroic construction worker who credits his hunting expertise and proximity to cattle for his success in restraining the animal. Tied inauspiciously to a nearby Bobcat vehicle, the cow appeared docile, awaiting its next opportunity.

Exhibition D:Bella, the YouTube Sensation Cow, (what? You never heard of her?) is perhaps the most insidious of all of the DangerCows. In July of last year, she was among a dozen cows headed for a slaughterhouse who got loose when the truck she was in crashed. She hid out in the woods for about a month, evading capture despite all the publicity surrounding her case. Posses were out on the hunt for her, sightings abounded, and she became Michigan's Most Wanted. Finally rounded up, Bella was unused to civilization. She had Gone Native, and actually charged at humans. About a month later, she had a calf. (They are Replicators. It's all part of The Plan.)

Exhibition E:This seems like such a Feel-Good Story About Cows, but do not be fooled. Oh, sure, on first read it is a lovely Winter's Tale about firefighters coming to the aid of a poor, sad cow named Annibel, who had fallen through the ice on a freezing cold pond. We can all say, "Oh no! Poor moocow! How scared she must have been, all slipping and sliding on that ice like Bambi, and then to suddenly fall in that horribly cold water, just like BlueLips Leo in Titanic! How terrible for her!" But we would all be foolish (and obviously too addicted to NetFlix and film references). Instead, we should be looking below the surface (sorry, inadvertent pun) of the story here and see the Dangers that lie beneath (again! sorry!). There are two things which are very telling: 1. This quote: The cow's owner, Lois Ramsey, said...she thinks watching the other cows is what prompted 5-year-old Annibel to wander out on the frozen water.2. And this one: Annibel wasn't the only life the Fire Department saved. The cow is pregnant and is expected to give birth within the next two weeks.

I think we all can see what's going on here. THE COWS ARE TAKING OVER. BY FORCE AND BY SHEER NUMBERS. AND THEY ARE COMPELLING EACH OTHER--HERD MENTALITY, PEOPLE!--TO DO IT.

Even more frightening, it's not just here. They are taking over everywhere. Bossy, Scary Cows are in Europe, terrorizing the tourists and locals alike. People are being trampled, bitten, and hospitalized by these cows who, as one Authority says, know "exactly what they are doing" and they have warned people not to even look them in the eye. Walking, a common European traveller's pastime, is now fraught with peril. Even the police aren't safe, as in Ireland, where a rampaging pregnant cow knocked down members of the Garda and went for the crowd. And no one in Germany can really be sure where Yvonne is, or what she may be planning.

Let me tell you, it is truly a Sad Day for me. The Rose-Coloured Scales have fallen from my eyes when it comes to cows. Now, when I read this story and watch the accompanying video, I no longer smile and chuckle. I fear for kindhearted Duane Button. I cringe when I behold the cow's sudden and coldly assessing gaze at the camera. And I am fearful of what that last bellowing moo may portend.

Wow! Step away from the computer and stop drinking martinis when you've forgotten to eat lunch. I thought retirement would be a nice and restful ordeal for you but it has clearly taken its toll on your imagination. Are the steaks at the supermarket "talking" to you? Is the cow verse of Old McDonald Had a Farm repeating itself over and over in your head? You clearly need a hobby or Something Else To Do. Perhaps a bunny-sitting service or a job as a new cat introduction overseer, something, ANYTHING to keep you away from this hell of bovine obsession.

An idle mind is the devil cow's playground, if you will, so please get help and stay away from Animal Planet. I fear for your long-term mental health if you continue to immerse yourself in this muck.

mikey--I still love that seeing cows makes anyone think of me. And I love the ambiguity at work in your comment: perhaps abnormal and subversive applies a bit to both of us. LOL.

the bug--oh my. workers for jesus. i think i did have the cinci freecow on my list at one point, but you know the old adage: so many cows, so little time! on another note, i'm so glad you are recovering at such a rapid pace down there in SOhio. Good Woman!

LaFF--Yikes. Harsh. And I don't, as a rule, eat lunch (or drink it,for that matter). I do wish, however, that foodstuffs in the local market would speak to me if they would give me some hints as to what to make with them for dinner. That is the worst part of my day, figuring out what the hell to make. Urk.

Jazz--I'm so glad you've stuck around if you're going to compose haiku! You and Ortizzle can have Poetry Slams in Comments. Makes me realize that I need to resurrect the Snarku tout de suite! (You'd love the Snarku. Just search my archives for it.

Ortizzle--Hee hee! As usual, your meter is impeccable. Notice that there are no Texas cows in these Exhibits. As someone once said, "Don't mess with Texas." Ugh.

Sillyak--Oh my. Well, Amtrak certainly is doing its part as a WMD. As a still-huge fan of All Things Cow, you know I would more than welcome a Cow Takeover, except if there were Cheese and Steak Regulations. That I would find unacceptable.

Merry--And here we were worried about antibiotics in our beef! Oh. My.

I'm so sorry--I didn't mean to be so harsh, but I was shocked to see how vehemently you wrote about the bovine species when you were once so very enamored of them. I thought it could only be attributed to either too many martinis or an idle mind looking for something to do. Hopefully there will soon be some news stories that will restore your faith in everything "cow" and return you to the pleasant pastures of cow worship of days past.

I have a button here somewhere that says, "Invisible cows currently control my life." You must have one, too.

Check it out:http://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/lXKDu6cdXLI?rel=0

The cows in the video are more attentive than most of the people I've met.

I didn't realize you've retired ---I've not been blogging much lately. I retired from teaching in 1999 and haven't regretted it for a second, although I admit that when I am alone, I sometimes teach imaginary lessons on subjects I know nothing about to imaginary students.

Nance Raises Her Glass To

Columnist David Frum, at The Atlantic, who compares 45* to Fredo from The Godfather who says in one scene, "I can handle things. I’m smart! Not like everybody says, like dumb. I’m smart and I want respect!" Key difference, however, is that "the Corleone family had the awareness and vigilance to exclude Fredo from power. The American political system did not do so well.” Clink the glass to read more.