Movie review: Stonehenge Apocalypse

Disclaimer: I got a copy of this movie via Netflix–ICoS did not receive any copies of this movie for review.

Amazon blurb:

When a disgraced scientist discovers unusual spikes in the Earth’s electromagnetic field emanating from Stonehenge, it is up to him to warn the world of a possible apocalypse. As his claims are disregarded by his peers, the ancient structure begins to move independently, build up an electromagnetic charge, and release enough energy to vaporize people within a certain radius. Can he convince the military and his peers of his findings before it is too late and all life on Earth is destroyed?

Holy fuck, you guys. This movie. THIS MOVIE. Where you following my live tweets while I was watching it? Yes? Good. No? WHY NOT? (Shameless plug alert: follow my apoc self on Twitter @ApocMom).

WARNING: SPOILERS AHOY.

Ahem. Anyway. This movie. OMG this movie. Holy Godiva was it full of WTF moments. The WTFery would’ve been overwhelming if I hadn’t been entertaining my children with my constant shrieks of laughter.

So, okay. The movie opens with an awesome error–a “newspaper” had a headline about the Mayan calendar ending in 2012. Only it misspelled calendar.

Yeah…that was an indication of how good this movie was.

The movie gets even better: it pans across Stonehenge, where a tour guide is leading a group of gawping tourists. But Stonehenge? Was all CGI (and not well-done, either).

AND THEN. While the tour group is oohing and ahhing over the giant stones, Stonehenge STARTS MOVING (animated GIFs, anyone?). In circles. And starts SPARKING.

(Swear to God, I thought it was static electricity. I mean, all that moving in circles must create some intense friction, after all.)

And THEN. The static electricity meets at the center stone, and then ripples outward in a strange electrical explosion that vaporizes the tour group. Possibly because they JUST STOOD THERE while Stonehenge was swinging around and sparking.

So a group of scientists, who are at a facility close to Stonehenge, are monitoring the electrical surges and wondering what the hell is going on. At first they’re all, “Who left the generator on?!” (not an actual quote)

But THEN. A pyramid in the Yucatan peninsula ERUPTS. LIKE A VOLCANO. I don’t even.

While this pyramid is spewing fire and ash all over Mexico, Stonehenge is still doing it’s electrical explosion thing. Only now it’s on a schedule–every ten hours, it has an electrical surge and wipes out everything in the vicinity. (So really, sucks to be you if you happen to be around it when it surges.)

The director of the facility is starting to panic, because this is fucked-up scientifically. It’s also bad for tourism. At this point, somehow the US military arrives (at Stonehenge. Which is IN ENGLAND) and is all “We must blow it up!” The director agrees, and they start making plans for a nuclear strike. (Which is definitely smart when you’re in a facility that’s close enough to Stonehenge TO SEE IT. Beyond the trees, but whatevs. You can still see it.)

And then…the Yucatan pyramid and Stonehenge start coordinating their explosions (not kidding). So the pyramid erupts and Stonehenge surges AT THE SAME TIME.

And if that isn’t bad enough, a volcano (I think it’s a volcano) erupts in Indonesia! (I looked it up; there are active volcanoes there.) Because…a volcano is an ancient man-made artifact. Obviously. But maybe it’s not really a volcano–maybe it was this ancient pyramid that turned into a volcano. Because, you know, all the other ancient pyramids have been doing that lately.

At this point in the movie, we find out that these ancient artifacts are really one interconnected machine. A terraforming machine that will wipe Earth clean and re-seed it with a new species (or something). And it’s turning itself on.

I’m…what now? I don’t… Wow.

But wait! There’s a way to turn it off! (Because of course there is.) There’s an ancient artifact in a museum in New York, and it’s this terraforming device’s on/off switch!

Yay, the good guy can save the world! So disgraced, possibly loony scientist (Misha Collins), girl genius scientist (Torri Higginson), and random Army dude (Red Shirt in Army uniform) magically show up in New York (FROM ENGLAND) to steal this artifact from its home in this museum.

But THEN. The bad guy shows up (at the museum) to try to wrestle this key thing from the good guy! (Bad guy is Hill Harper, of CSI: New York. He should keep his day job, I’m just sayin’.)

OMG you guys. Seriously. This movie just keeps getting better and better.

While these guys are fighting over this little stone artifact, the pyramids at Giza turn into volcanoes and erupt. So now the director of the Stonehenge facility (whatever the hell it is, I don’t actually know) is getting really worried, and is convinced (partly by that random American military guy) to blow up Stonehenge.

Which, of course, is a bad thing, because Stonehenge is coordinating with all these pyramids to set off one giant EMP. Which will kill everyone on Earth. (Sucks to be us.)

Back in New York, Bad Guy wins the fight and makes off with the on/off switch. He then goes to his followers at an undisclosed ancient monument thing that is either the inside of a pyramid or an awesomely carved stone mausoleum.

OMG, Bad Guy IS A CULT LEADER. I…I…I don’t even.

So Good Guy and Girl Genius are racing from New York to…Maine…to save the world (Army dude was red shirted back at the museum).

In Maine? WTF? I thought Stonehenge was the Big Deal?

I guess not. Because holy Godiva, A PYRAMID IS RISING OUT OF THE GROUND. IN MAINE. And the cult is there, with Bad Guy, who has the key. Which can, apparently, also turn the terraforming machine on. From Maine, not Stonehenge

I…have no words.

So Bad Guy and Good Guy fight it out again, only this time it’s to the death. Bad Guy has a gun, but of course Good Guy manages to shoot him. (Because of course he does.)

Meanwhile, back at Stonehenge, the military is getting ready to nuke the stones. And it is then revealed that aliens are behind the whole thing, and they designed Stonehenge to release an EMP that will destroy the world.

Aliens, you guys. ALIENS.

Oh, and Bad Guy? Apparently he was some sort of prophet who predicted the death of the world by Stonehenge. O_o

He also had a spy at Stonehenge. O_o

Second Bad Guy then tries to kill Good Guy (WTF I THOUGHT HE WAS IN MAINE???) by shooting at him, and then indulging in a car chase across Salisbury Plain. With guns.

So Second Bad Guy and Good Guy fight amongst the stones (but not in their cars because they ditched those somewhere along the way), while Stonehenge is charging up for that final, killer EMP surge.

BUT THEN! Good Guy manages to stick the key in the hole in the center of the center stone! The EMP surge stops, killing Second Bad Guy!

char

I'm Canadian, which according to movies and TV means I'm part of the group that's almost always wiped out during the apocalypse. I’ve watched too much Star Trek and Stargate over the years and spend too much time at my computer. Now, I'm waiting for the arrival of (and human enslavement by) the Borg or the Goa'uld. That is, if my computer doesn’t swallow me first.
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