Friday, May 22, 2009

Another Impact Review

Mike and I thought it would be cool if we both reviewed Impact because we're the dumbest guys in the world.I missed the opening segment because I was eating dinner. Anyway there's this triple threat tag team match which is weird because the team of The Black Guys gets no offense or even uhhh... defense or whatever in this match. The Pop Punk Dudes beat on Christopher Daniels for a while and I was watching Rachel Maddow earlier and there was footage of the White Knight Riots when Harvey Milk's assassin only got manslaughter and Daniels looks exactly like those rioting gay men of 30 years ago. RIP Harvey. Suicide wins and that makes Daniels mad for some reason but then Suicide uses his magic to DISAPPEAR! Kurt Angle petitions an empty sky~Sting talks about how he wrestles because it speaks to his soul or some shit. Blah blah blah Jesus fag blah blah.Then the awesomest thing which is Booker T and Kevin Nash practicing in the ring! So they're just kicking each other and then periodically they're like YEAH SUCKERS! or whatever. It was one of the weirdest things I've ever seen on TNA and literally everything in TNA is really weird. Uh.. Huh. So the Dudleys are out and are like WE LOVE TAG TEAM WRESTLING! (Idea for D'von heel turn: "I have ALWAYS hated tag team wrestling!") So they're saying some shit when the British guys come out and I've never seen them before but one of them is sort of fat and small, one is pretty normal for a wrestler, and one is fairly gigantic. That's a good stable. I thought one of them was supposed to be a gladiator but apparently not. Anyway they beat up the Dudley Boyz until Beer Money comes out. I remember when Beer Money was fake friends with the Dudley Boyz and then it turned out to ALL BE A LIE! But apparently this time it's FOR REAL!Eric Young gets yelled at for being a damn idiot.Then Eric Young has to wrestle Sting and he's sort of like "uuhhhhhhh" or whatever. He takes some Ric Flair style bumps and then decides to kill himself a little bit flying over the top rope to the outside and then gets put in the sharpshooter thing for the tap. He looks decidedly butthurt as the camera cuts to the skinny blond chick that's the champ. She is WALKING!So Jim Cornette presides over the contract signing between the blond chick and good old Awesome Kong. The blond chick cuts a pretty awesome promo but her alleged high class lifestyle is betrayed by her extreme white trash tattoos. Awesome Kong is so mad about whatever the hell that she kills REFEREE RUDY CHARLES who looks like a pudgy little baby. The concerned blond chick and Abyss are at Doctor Stevie's office. Apparently Doctor Stevie is a real ass doctor since he has an office. The blond chick (the concerned one) tells Abyss that sorority sisters are a bond that can never be broken. I have no fucking clue what that was about but I loved it. The concerned blond chick is really coming into her own. This is my favorite thing TNA has done ever/I think AJ Styles is saying something but I'm in the other room right now because I'm checking my facebook. Facebook rules. Does AJ Styles have a facebook? Let's find out.He doesn't waaah.Then a commercial airs for www.grandprixwrestling.com which is apparently a wrestling group that is around my area! And they are accepting trainees! Maybe I should forget about this judo rigmarole and get in on the fake fighting train. I am very excited about this. For too long this shitty nowhere town I live in has been bereft of indie wres.Matt Morgan is going to wrestle Kurt Angle and he's so much stronger! So much bigger! Commercial! Kurt Angle wins but it's a hard fought match and he has earned new respect for this big ass idiot. The concerned chick remains powerful concerned, this time for Jeff Jarrett because he has to fight Samoa Joe who is just a big fat emo murderer these days.Samoa Joe beats up Jeff Jarrett so much that he then also beats up the referee and it's over. Then AJ Styles is mad I guess so he comes out to fight with Samoa Joe. So Joe and AJ have beef but they are both fighting dudes in the Main Event Mafia at the pay per view so they're both uhhhhhhhh faces? I shouldn't even worry about it. The main event is Mick Foley versus a cardboard cutout of Rocky and he wins but he takes some punishment from Rocky's punches first. That's because Mick is a fucking pro. Then he wins and is happy but Jeff Jarrett has recovered from being killed by Samoa Joe enough to be like "Come on dude!" and then everyone fights everyone but Mick Foley comes out ahead.This was literally the best Impact of all time.

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6-3-94 Manifesto

In the days of ancient Rome men tried to best each other physically by imposing their will on one other. Sometimes this lead to the death of one of the competitors. Sometimes it lead to a friendship or brotherhood bond being formed. More often than not it ended with the two dudes fucking the shit out of each other. Faggotry and wrestling have long had a mutually parasitic relationship. Where faggotry is afoot wrestling cannot be far behind. Where there is wrestling you can rest assured that faggotry is nearby, jerking off furiously. This is the way it has always been and the way it shall always be. Though men have tried to change this dynamic throughout the ages they have all failed. Spandex, pyrotechnics, midgets, fake tits and sports entertainment cannot mask the overwhelming scent of gay that always accompanies wrestling. You can always be certain of these three things: The sun always rises in the morning, politicians always lie and wrestling will always be gay as fuck. We are merely observers; scribes charged with the duty of recording, analyzing and mocking this faggotry. These are our words.