Question

How can I discourage my daughter from hugging other children too much?

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My 2 1/2-year-old likes to go up to kids and give them a hug. I don't want to discourage her loving nature, but I also want to teach her that other children need their personal space. Her teachers have even expressed concern that her classmates are uncomfortable with the hugging and that one of them might lash out at her. What should I do?

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I think Non-hugger's day care provider was absolutely wrong to say you don't hug boys. "Jimmy and Joe don't like hugs, so I'll have all their hugs" might have worked a little better. How awful to tell your child it's not okay to hug boys! You should ask your day care provider to have a talk with your daughter and let her know that some boys love hugs... like Daddy's and grandpas and uncles, etc. You should remind them that what we say is exactly what our children hear... and they will take our words literally. "Don't hug boys" means exactly that.

My 28 yrs old daughter who loves to hug and sometimes too much. I am a stay-at-home mom so I am with her all the time. If she doesn't know you she won't hug you but as soon as you spend couple minutes with us talking she'll give a hug to you before you leave. I taught her to ask if if she can give a hug.She smothered her cousin with hugs and kisses everytime they come over and I feel uncomfortable when she does that. She hold on to him and she won't let go. Now she does the same thing to her 6 months old brother. Poor guy. Sometimes she makes him cry because she hold on too tight. I'm teaching her to give a hug and let go and she can give one later. She is getting better at it because she doesn't like to see her brother cry. Mommy and Daddy ended up with those tight long hugs. I love them.

What I find unfortunate is that so many of the responders don't see a problem with unwelcome touching. They have called unwilling 'huggees' maladjusted because they don't want others touching them without permission.
Being the mother of a child who prefers to not be hugged without permission, I am appalled at the lack of understanding on the part of those who see nothing wrong with this behavior and would in fact encourage it.
Here's the thing folks. Unwelcome touching is unwelcome touching and that's that. Be it a hug from a buddy in preschool, a high school boyfriend pushing for more than is willingly given, or an innapropriate pat on the tush from a coworker, it's our responsibility as parents to teach our children respect for their bodies and others.
To say that hugging is a good thing without question and that only those who have problems wouldn't want to be hugged is not only ridiculous - it shows a real lack of empathy toward these little people who will one day grow up and have to get along in society.

First, I just want to congratulate and thank the Poll Mom for thinking about the kids who aren't as affectionate as her daughter. My 2 1/2 year old son has a pretty big personal space boundary - and he's been that way since day one. He's a complete cuddlebug once he's determined he can trust a person, be that a kid or a grownup. But a sneak attack of hugs (even by a grandparent) and he'll put up his guard because his boundaries weren't respected. It took my in laws nearly 18 months to get my son to go to them because they'd rush him and overwhelm him before letting him warm up.
I don't think there's an inherent problem with either your daughter's personality, or my son's. They're just different. And both need to learn to deal with the preferences and needs of people who aren't like them.
One of my son's friends is a 'hugger', but has totally figured out that it bothers my son. Now, he does it to exert power over my son. If Jack has a toy Sam wants, Sam just comes over and hugs him and doesn't let go until Jack drops the toy. It's hard for me, because a. I don't want to see my son tortured and b. though I do want to help him learn how to express himself with "words and not hands", how do you teach your child what to do when that approach fails?
For those who don't think this is a problem, imagine if someone came up to you and grabbed you in a vice grip and wouldn't let go? At first, you'd probably grin and bear it thinking that the other person was obviously trying to be friendly. But after 10 or 20 or 30 seconds, you'd probably nicely ask the person to let you go. If they didn't, you might resort to yelling and screaming for help. If that still didn't work, your only option would be to physically extricate yourself from the situation - and at this point, you wouldn't really care who you hurt.
Now imagine a 2 year old trying to deal with this situation! I applaud the teachers for going to the child's mom and dad because while her parents of course don't want to curb her affectionate nature, they most certainly do not want her to learn the hard way that hugs lead to her getting bopped in the head by other kids at preschool. That will endanger her sweet nature far more than a few lessons from mom and dad about asking first and hugging second.

If it was your child who was uncomfortable at be touched all the time, you would be mad that no one was doing anything about it, because no mother wants someone doing something to your child that they don't like. Hugging is not good if it is not welcome. And you don't have the right to touch someone if they don't like it, learning that is part of learning manners and respect and social skills. You are not discouraging their loving nature by teaching them this, you are teaching them to respect boundries and others wishes and feelings. It is not fair that people have the veiw that kids who don't like hugging and touching will just have to deal with it. The teacher has the correct idea, it is her job to make sure no one is being taken advantage of or made uncomfortable. Children that young should be able to relax at school, and the can't if they are afraid of unwanted bodily contact. Teach your child sensitivity and respect, and that will stay with her forever. But you have to teach it and she has to witness it by example. Part of being loving is understanding others feelings and respecting them. Kids have a right to not allow someone to touch their body if it bothers them. And as adults we have to make sure are their voices are heard. Just my two-cents.

I can't belive all of the comments I have read about parents thinking it is okay for their children to hug and kiss other children ALL the time. It is inaproppriate. I have never enjoyed hugs from a person that I was not extrememly close to, and my children share the same tendencies. What about germs, diseases? What about the oposite gender? If you don't teach them about boundries now, you are setting them up for problems later. Too many people think that "oh, how cute!!" And it is, once in a while. But constant hugging IS an attack. It IS insensitive to others also. I hear so much about how, `my child IS sensitive and loving, they hate to see someone cry`. Well, you have to understand that it is a completely different concept. Just because they are trying to be loving, doesn't make it okay. And it makes me angry to see that parents are so insensitve to others that they refuse teach their children proprieties. Because other kids have to suffer the discomfort of constantly having their personal space invaded, and this causes other children to withdraw and not participate in activites because they are afraid of being uncomforable. AND THAT IS BULLYING, WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT.

I have a neice and a nephew that are like that with my girls especially my oldest who is three. They are always hanging off of her and slobbering kisses on her. I love affection within our family(our immeadiate family) I hug and kiss her and she is very affectionate with all of us, and some adult extended family. But she dislikes it and gets upset about being grabbed and held by them and other children. She gets upset to the point of crying and anger because they are always hugging and kissing and handling her and won't let her go. I have to constantly intervene. I don't think she would mind much if it was just a once in a while thing. I dislike my neice and nephew hugging and hanging off her because they simply are never as clean as she is, and I'm afraid she will get lice, or get sick(which happens often as well)not to metion that she doesn't like it!. My neice is very touchy feely as well as pushy and bossy, she hits, she pushes and she hugs and kisses all the time too. I don't especially like her hanging off of me either because she is always dirty, with a cold, and often smells bad. My nephew, I find it totally inappropriate that he is always touching her, hugging and kissing her all the time, he has wanted to lay down and hold her, he is just constantly touching her and not only the cleanliness and lice factor for him as well, but because he is older and a boy I find his touching of her strange. I do not ever allow them alone together, I mean like her room or his room to play ever. I have found that Kids who constantly hang off of other kids, are not only insensitive to others feelings, but pushy too, because they are forcing their will on other children. And I get tired of always instructing the children to; leave her alone, stop touching her, she doesn't like that, let her go, she needs space, nobody likes to be hung on all the time. I wish people with children like this would teach them that kind of affection should be limited, to immeadiate family, brothers, sisters, mom, dad, grandma, grandpa. That people, as a rule, need space. And that kind of affection outside the family is innappropriate. But it is in my family and I don't how to control it, but it makes my daughter upset, and I don't like it either. I don't find that kind of thing loving. If it was loving it would be sensitive to others feelings and put their feelings first. I think such handsy behavior should be taken care of by their own parents. But what do you do when they think it is okay?

I think that a child who gets lots of affection at home is bound to show lots of affection in his or her social circles, especially if he or she is as young as 2 1/2 years old. Lots of behavior is imitated and can often be retraced back to the parent(s). I say this because I know that I am very affectionate with my daughter and she's always been very affectionate towards others. In other words, maybe we should also look at our own behavior when we try to make sense of our child's behavior?

The teachers are correct. This can be a legitimate problem. In my daughter's class, there's a boy a few months older than she who has this problem. I've watched it going on, and it's an authentic issue. He is particularly fond of my daughter. He will push her toys out of the way so that he can put her head in her lap. She gets up and moves, and he pursues, hugging and loving her up. He's a wonderful boy, but the behavior is definitely a legitimate problem, and I'm glad that the teachers are on top of it.
The teachers have taken a two prong approach. They are teaching the classroom to use their words when they are being annoyed. So, my daughter will say to this boy, "No, Stop! I don't like that!" They also teach the children to walk away instead of hitting. For the hugger himself, they try to use easy phrases and concepts to encourage empathy. "It makes her mad when you shove her toys away" or "Oof! Big hugs squeeze too tight when you are not ready for them!" I suggest that you find some short, expressive, clear phrases to use and repeat them each and every time your son gives unwelcome hugs. Use words at first, and if the behavior doesn't stop right away, intercede to physically separate the children. But give him a chance to get himself under control on his own before you intercede.

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