A fictional road trip with Chris Petersen and Mike Leach

Asked at Pac-12 media days this summer who he would most like to take with him on a road trip, Washington Huskies coach Chris Petersen replied that he would pick his cross-state counterpart: Washington State coach Mike Leach.

The two coaches have two very different personalities, so the thought of them taking a cross-country road trip together is amusing.

What follows is a completely fictional account of what it might look like:

FADE IN:

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THE SCENE: CHRIS PETERSEN and MIKE LEACH in a Wagon Queen Family Truckster, somewhere on Interstate 90. Petersen is driving. Leach is sipping tea out of a paper cup.

LEACH: So that’s it? Just ‘our kinda guys?’ That’s all it stands for?

PETERSEN: That’s right. OKGs. I even applied to have it trademarked. Pretty cool, huh?

LEACH: Well, I suppose, but let’s say that if we were really going to examine this thing, uhhh, OK, so if we’re really going to examine this thing, at its most basic level, you’re telling me there’s something unique about wanting to recruit “your kind of guys?” Well, shoot, I recruit our kinda guys, too. And even if someone isn’t our kinda guy, well, wouldn’t he become our kinda guy just by virtue of me choosing to recruit him? Are there coaches out there who want other people’s kinda guys?

PETERSEN: Well, there’s more to it than …

LEACH: Because back when I was at Texas Tech, OK, uhhh, back when I was at Texas Tech, we had this guy named, shoot, what was his name, you’re gonna ask for his name and it’s just not coming to me – oh, right, Wes Welker. Anyway, he was the last guy we gave a scholarship to, OK, and he wound up out-working everyone and now he catches passes from the guy who deflated all those footballs. So if you want to talk about ‘our kinda guy,’ I mean, uhhh, Wes Welker, we almost didn’t think he was our kinda guy, OK, but it turned out he actually was probably more of our kinda guy than anybody, if you really think about it.

PETERSEN: Oh.

(THREE HOURS LATER)

LEACH (coughing, awakening from a nap): Where are we?

PETERSEN: I think we’re coming up on Missoula.

LEACH: Huh, Missoula. Big Sky country.

PETERSEN: (giggles)

LEACH: What?

PETERSEN: Big Sky, huh?

LEACH: Yeah, Chris. That’s what they call it.

PETERSEN: You know who else is in the Big Sky …

LEACH: Oh, great. Here we go again.

PETERSEN: Portland State!

LEACH: Uh-huh.

PETERSEN: Eastern Washington!

LEACH: How many more times are you going to make that joke?

PETERSEN: Probably a few. It’s the only one I know. Joking is hard. I mean, it’s hard, it really is.

LEACH: Well, I’ve got a few for you.

PETERSEN: Yeah? Let’s hear one.

LEACH: Your nonconference schedule.

PETERSEN: What about it?

LEACH: It’s a joke. See?

PETERSEN: Ugh. Go back to sleep.

LEACH: Can’t. I switched to coffee and now I’m wide awake. Hey, you like to read much?

LEACH: Sure have. You ever heard of “Swing Your Sword,” or “Geronimo: Leadership Strategies of an American Warrior?” I wrote them, you know.

PETERSEN: Oh, I know, Mike.

LEACH: Well, you still haven’t read them, right?

PETERSEN: No, Mike. I’m sorry. I’ve been busy.

LEACH: ‘Oh, woe is me, I’m Chris Petersen and I’m busy.’

PETERSEN: Hey! You think these polo shirts and slacks iron themselves? Who else is going to organize my sock drawer?

LEACH: Socks are kinda funny, if you think about it. I’ve heard people say they’re like gloves for your feet, OK, which is certainly a different kind of imagery, and I understand the comparison, I do, but if we’re going to take that a step further, OK, you’re basically talking about gloves on your feet but then some other kind of clothing item on top of that, because you’ve got to work the shoes in there somewhere. So, I mean, you put on gloves, OK, so you’ve got gloves on your hands, but then that’s it. There’s nothing that goes on top of your gloves, like a shoe for your hands, so I don’t quite understand how socks can be considered gloves for your feet if we don’t put shoes on our hands.

PETERSEN: Yeah! Like how every football team should establish the run to set up the pass.

LEACH: You’re kidding, right?

PETERSEN: Um, no? Ever heard of offensive balance?

LEACH: Oh, OK, the “balance” argument again. So you think by handing the ball to your running back 30 times a game, OK, and then letting your quarterback throw the ball another 30 or 35, all of a sudden you’re “balanced” when you’ve got one guy touching the ball significantly more than anyone else on the team? That’s “balance?”

PETERSEN: I see your point.

LEACH: You’ll be seeing a lot of points on Friday.

PETERSEN: Oh yeah? Like last year?

LEACH: Well, we didn’t have, ah, shoot, what’s his name, the quarterback – oh, right, Luke Falk. We didn’t have him last year.

PETERSEN: But you did in 2014. And we beat you then, too.

LEACH: Sure, but Luke was a freshman then, and a backup. How’d you like to play us without Jake Browning?

PETERSEN: I wouldn’t.

LEACH: Didn’t think so. Say, you ever paint much?

PETERSEN: No. But I have a feeling you –

LEACH: Oh, I used to paint all the time. You know Jackson Pollock? Of course you do, everyone knows Jackson Pollock. Anyway, when I was younger, I used to set up a canvas in my garage, OK, and I would go in there and just splatter that thing, making all these cool paintings just like Jackson Pollock used to. He’s from Cody, Wyoming, which is my hometown, so I always kind of had an affinity for his paintings, and really for the whole abstract expressionism period in general. It was a form of art that emphasized the creative spontaneous act. You ever do anything spontaneous?

PETERSEN: Ha, well, this one time, I told my wife we were going to a really nice dinner for our anniversary. Told her we were going to Daniel’s Broiler. And then –

LEACH: That’s a fine spot, but it doesn’t hold a candle to Black Cypress. Continue.

PETERSEN: Anyway, I told her we were going to Daniel’s, but guess what? We went to Metropolitan Grill, instead! Ahh, man, it was so crazy.