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plan B

Recently, I realized that I have no Plan B! However, I have a plan A, and a plan S. But my goal is most definitely my plan A. In the case of plan S occurring, which I expect to be something worth more than plan A, it will be without any effort whatsoever. But as far as life goes, I decided to stop having plan B’s. I decided to stop having a safety net. So in the case that plan A doesn’t work out, I will not have anything to fall back to. In short, plan A has to work. For me, plan A is a necessity.

Last night I had doubt haunting me and without me realizing I started to cry. I had put so much effort in making plan A work that I was honestly beginning to get scared and started to imagine my life if plan A didn’t work. Honestly, as a human being, fear will one way another preoccupy your thoughts. Fear of stumbling, fear of failure, and last night, I stopped trying. I have been studying nearly every day for plan A to work, that I started to think that if didn’t work, all the time I spent will be worth nothing in the end. So for once this month, I stopped studying for 2 hours and wasted my time crying. It became a period when I started to freak myself out with hurdles and roadblocks of my plan A execution. The family thinks I’m crazy for thinking of this plan A every single day for months now, and they started doubting me. I started facing financial problems as well that directly correlates with this plan A of mine.

At that moment, I locked myself in my room and turned on Our Lady Peace, my choice of 90’s heavy alternative rock music filled with Emo lyrics, distorted guitar and Raine Maida’s screeching vocals. And then I started to break down and I couldn’t stop crying as OLP drowned the sound of my tears. One of my fave song from OLP which can throw me up and down:

After 2 hours, I started to imagine myself at where I was right now, which some would think was my Plan B patiently waiting in the wings. I am currently working in an office cubicle, working for somebody else, not learning anything new, no significant contributions, 30 years old, unmarried, and not doing something I want to be doing! It was most definitely not where I want to be. If this was my plan B, then I will be devastated and depressed my whole entire life. If it wasn’t for the money I would quit my day job as early as possible so I can spend 100 percent of my energy, time and passion in making this plan A work. So after 2 hours, I stopped and I stared at my study books, and then began to feel so stupid, but at the same time relieved because I threw all my emotions out there, and when it’s all over, I began to study again.

But if there was any revelation today due to last night, that was that I don’t need a plan B, and that if anything, plan A has to work. I have no plan B. That’s the only option I have in my life, nothing else. Needless to say, my life depends on it.