Intel Inside

The Softest Naija lips.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

I'm totally Scared (1)

I've had so many things on my mind this past couple of days i couldn't even update my blog.Blog ke? In the midst of all the Katakata wey dey ground? In fact my own personal demons wey dey worry me sef got to siddon for back burner. This water pass Garri.

From where i go start sef? Okay Friday i go Ghana go close one kain quick deal like that. My mind dey tell me say make i no go anywhere but i thought hey, it's one hour away and i needed to sort the wahala out. Cash my cheque and come back to where i get mouth fit talk. My Obodo naija.The Alhaji wey i go see there na Ghanain o, no be our country man o. After exhanging pleasantries, as we enter the office like this ehn, na back the man take enter. I was like Okayee, it's gotta be a Ghanaian thing no? So nothing to it. but i just felt veery, veery uncomfortable but i told myself it's gotta be the decor.The whole office was painted blood red with lots of African Artworks and a big ass sculpture of a Woman with a .....well, big Ass. Again i explained the feeling away as bad taste. There must be something wrong with this Ghanaians right? Then after some irritating chit chat he hands me my cheque with his left hand. Haba!! Anyway sha me i collect the cheque. Shit money no dey smell abi? So i said see you later and bounced to the lift make i dey go my house. My Sister, that's how i enter lift o from 8th floor the lift now started creaking and groaning and finally stopped in between floors. Omo, my heart was in my mouth. At that point in time all the Guy's action started coming back to me in slow mo. The other person next to me in the lift was some woman i noticed earlier in the Alhaji's office. And the bitch had this evil grin on her fat black face.That's how your boy started some mean ass "Mountain of Fire " Prayer o. No fine boy for this one mehn, Fcuk being cute... Na prayer with plenty gra gra. See you. You never pray that kain prayer before ehn? Okay wait there make your Papa go marry Ogbanje second wife put for house. When she go appear for your dream like three times your eye go open. Shio. Na there make you dey. Anyway sha Something just told me this wasn't normal and shit's gone terribly wrong and it's about to go down. But i tell you no lie after praying ehn, i felt something shift in the spirit. For oncen it stopped being that suffocating. I took a look at the Black Mamba woman in the lift with me.She was frowning so hard her veins were about popping. (Shebi i say the woman na Winch) Then the lift came backto life and stopped at the next floor.Me i just rushed down and took the stairs from i think the 7th floor down.

I got back to Lagos and i had 12 missed calls on my phone. My Interim babe in Lagos had been blowing up my digits. Kilode? I started listening to my voice messages and the long and short of the story be say The meat in my soup was contaminated and i shouldn't eat it.I called her back Which Soup? "Ehn.... the one in the freezer." WTF? How did you know that? When did you discover this? Were they re-calling sold beef at Shoprite?What's all this nonsense? Anyway When i get home we'll iron all this out.Sebi you go ask me what's the story? Uptill now me sef i no know o. She just came and threw the whole big bowl of Soup in the trash bin. Ewo! Egusi soup that me i had major plans for. I was already dreaming of Wacking some serious Eba with the orisirisi meat and Panla and Bokoto with fried snails inside this very soup. This one i no go gree. You better start explaining girl.So wetin happen to my soup now?How did the contamination happen? Aja ni o, Eran ni o (Na dog o, na Cat o) she no answer.Mystery upon mystery. Meanwhile this babe, as i talk before na Interim babe. She's cool and all that but the moment she started hinting at the big M word, i just declare for am say i never ready to marry make she leave me joo. Not like i'm really not ready at least i'm 29 time don dey reach but she just isn't someone i'm gonna marry.You know there are people that you just know say e no go happen lai lai. So BabaAlaye what are you still doing with her now? Or as people are wont to say around this parts "Why are you wasting her time"? Which time now? I don tell am say i no fit marry am na she dey give me close marking. I no lie to the girl. She's good to date, i enjoy her company, Sex is like whoa, but i no wan Marry. na by force? Maybe i'd feel differently if i loved her but i dont. So end of story. Oya go bring your Police come arrest me shio. E dey your body.I'll have to be treading carefully now sha. No more "Bukky please come over and cook for me for the Week" Make i no go chop the one wey go kia kia dispatch me to where all my Egba Ancestors dey. Abeg i dey find Calabar Housegirl wey sabi cook. If you know any please Hola at your boy.

There's this other thing that sends cold shivers down my spine and wakes me up in the middle of the night in a cold fright.I'm not sure i should blog about it. But it's weighing heavily on my mind. I want to get it offa my chest. We'll see.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Ashawo no be work o!!! Na Lifestyle.

Diffrent different things dey happen for this our Nija i swear. I'm not the most observant person in the world, but this has stopped being subtle it's in your face. Almost choking.They comb offices all around town "visiting". Clad in the most revealing stuff in their closet. On a Wednesday morning you'd think it's a Friday night.It's making me hard to concentrate on work. Okay, Truthfully i'm not concentrating, i'm checking out my fav Blogs. Which one come be your own now? Mr. Efficiency. Employee of the year Kpele o. Abeg comot make i see road.

Right here on my Table at work is a Wedding Invite for this Saturday. Oga o.Ebere is getting married. Na wah o. Even Ebere!!! Bad girls have it made i swear. This Chica don go round every bobo in Lagos and we're only talking about the bobos i know o. What of the countless ones wey i no know hmm. Single guys, Married guys, Divorced separated, bring it on. She don dey do since 1993 wey Boys they pari ise (Finish am) for Murphis Toilet. Whatever happened to those joints back in the day sef? Murphis, Terris Burger, Eddie King Burger, and Chicken something i forget what it's called now. Anyway sha.

Wetin i dey talk again sef? Ehen Ebere. Ebere don find Husband o. Surprise surprise. That girl would screw anything that drove up in four wheels back then. Anything. As long as it came in a car. The girl ehn, she no sabi talk NO. lai lai. If it comes in a Car she rides. End of story.Anywhoo the story is, she's now attending one Pentecostal church in Ikeja. She even dey choir sef. Na so one guy wey come from yankee say make e come bury im Papa see am for Church say na fine yellow girl. Before you could say "Nna Bros chelu" e don dey Western Union money to Ebere family for Okokomaiko. How correct nice babe go dey ground, people like Ebere go find correct bobo marry am? Na serious issue o. Bad girls go to heaven no?Guys let me tell you something. If you see a babe ehn, and you wan marry ask well well o. Wetin i talk? do research gan seriously... That's how i saw my work colleagues main squeeze in a Micro Mini on Akin Adesola one night like that. I couldn't breathe a word of it to him. It would totally break him to pieces.They are still "dating" and i feel kinda bad for him but hey no be for my mouth dem go hear that kain thing... Ignorance is bliss yeah?

On the flip side of this, The economy is soo bad, things are so difficult for the average man like you will not beleive. Going by the comments on by last post. I tried to do a not too perfect math on how a Man is expected to survive on the Federal Govt. Minimum wage of #7,500 monthly.(about 30 pounds/55 dollars). Mr. Man spends about 5,000 on transportation a month, and he's got a wife(My driver has two), 3 kids, pay nepa bill, feed his family, clothe himself and his family,Pay school fees, books, his aged parents at home, and other miscellenous wahala. Haba!

And all this is on the assumption that the guy is gainfully employed in the first instance.It's a different kettle of fish when there's nothing coming in at the end of the Month, and he's got teenage kids.The boys struggle through school, most likely will moonlight as a conductor or Mechanic or something. The girls, ....well you guessed it. Have you been to Kuramo Beach at night? This young teenage girls have sex with Men for about 1 pound.(250 naira). Just so they can eat.

Quick math. If there are 100,000,000+ Nigerians,(That's one hundred million. yup) and only about 20% are employed, another 20% gainfully employed....i'm being very geneerous right hurr.There must be about 60 million starving/nearly starving Nigerians.With the above in mind, a girl born into the unfortunate tax bracket, Father is a Ministry Clerk, Mother is a School Teacher/Hospital nurse, warrever. There are 5 kids in the house. How the heck do you work that? What are her options?

When we scream about "moral decay" in the society, i don't think its's that cut and dried.We should look at the whole picture.Are we that morally Bankrupt as a people. No i don't think so. It's Poverty. When you go to bed hungry because you don't have food to eat, and you're not sure where Breakfast is coming from. Your outlook to life changes.It stops being about what the flashy Pastor says you can't do, it becomes a race of Survival. And the odds are daunting.You don't beleive me? Step into any face me i face you house in Lagos for 10 minutes and see how people live, how 15 people squeeze themselves into a room just a little bigger than a Toyota Corolla. How 100+ people shove and fight to use a Maggot infested bathroom in the morning.Then get dressed and jump on a Molue to go to work. All their hopes and dreams dashed, their future mortgaged by Corrupt Politicians and Millitary Despots.. No Medicare, no Electric Power, no food, nothing. Even Dogs at the other more affluent part of town feed better.Poverty amidst plenty.

A lot of these girls want to chart a better future for themselves they see education as a ticket out of abject povert. (role models are all over the place). So they give it their all. They throw everything in it. They use the only thing they've got. They sleep with Lecturers to get admission into school, sleep with lecturers to pass exams, sleep with Aristos to feed, buy handouts, clothe themselves, and they have absolutely no time for broke undergraduate boys trying to run game. (Oloshi olori buruku i'm running away from poverty you wan make i come add your own join? Na Flowers i go chop? you dey craze. Abeg carry your Basketball shirt, and tontirin jeans comot for here before i open my eyes .lol) Baby gurl needs to send money home to feed her siblings and take care of her ailing mother or wharrever.

They finally graduate from school and keep in touch with the numerous Aristos.Her Networking is on point,she's a *cough* "graduate" now, so she gets a job in xyz Bank. Now she's an official Lagos Big Girl. She buys a Honda, moves from Okokomaiko to a Flat at Opebi, She comes to jand for Summer, attends all the Ovation type parrys in Naija, get's herself an Ajebutter Ikoyi boy, The Boy has no idea where she's coming from. All he knows is she cooks well, cleans up his crib, has no qualms washing his clothes, she shows him a few bedroom tricks that blow his socks off, goes to church every Sunday and Wednesday, Bobo is going, going, gone. Next thing na for Wedding Web site you go see them.That, my friend is the Nigerian dream.

If you met a girl at a Parry, all decked up in Gucci this Prada that, and she's gushing about her trip to Venice and her Ski holiday at St.Moritz. And you ask her "which Secondary School did you go to"? and she starts stuttering... ehm you see..."actually it's one school like that in Mile 2". lol. Don't push the subject.Drop it . That's one of several giveaway signs.

Let me quickly chip this in. "The Stupid Girl". The dumb Middleclass girl who lives in Maryland, Daddy is an Engineer, Mommy is a Doctor. Your folks are doing okay, not rich but comfortable.You went to QC, or FGC, or something. Then you get to Unilag you meet the Kpako girl who is desperately trying to be like you. Screwingg pot bellied married men all around town to have money just so your Middle class ass dont look down on her rasmobogee ass. So she buys all the clothes you buy, refines her phonee, No more Akara and Pap. Kpako chic buys all the stuff you eat "including Kelloggs" (sue me. Shio).Then you, the Stupid Girl somehow got it twisted and thought Aristo Runs was fun. Sweetie it's so not fun. It's a facade. It's survival baby, not fun and games. It's a hustle stupid!!! Mami been hustling since Primary 5.Whilst you were singing along to Sounds of Music. She was bumming Free Kulikuli off the Mallam pushing the Wheel barrow.Be content with what your folks can give you now. They are trying their best. You don't need salvatore Ferragamo shoes it's a fucking 3rd world country. Thank God for your Parents, and accept what you're given. It ain't easy for them either but they strive so much. You don't have to look like Ciara, c'mon. The Kpako girls don't have a choice. That's the only thing they reckon they have. Let them do their thing. You stay good, clean, have fun, go on dates(with boys your age), read good books, broaden your mind, but please no Pot bellied old men. You really don't need that extra cash. Trust me.

*Note* I'm not female bashing. I'll talk about the guys some other time.

Go figure. A Nija Runs chic who is used to blowing 500,000 a month courtesy of Aids Donors (Aristos) Now get's a job, earns 70k a month, gets married .Bobo earns say...200k a month. And she still wants to rawk her Prada,Miu Miu, and Marc Jacobs.What's the easiest alternative. What are her options? Yup you guessed it. A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.Small wonder Divorce rate has gone way up in Naija. 300% in the last 5 years. What more can i say?

Meanwhile Ebere's Wedding IV is so cool. I'm looking at it on my table now. The back says Printed in New-York. Okayee.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Peter gets a Job

That's how my Phone was now ringing early on Sunday morning o. Nobody calls me on a Sunday morning ever. I mean never ever.

Okay so i pick up the phone reluctantly and it just took one 'Hello' to know dude dialled a wrong number. You know how it is when someone goes 'Hello' and you know without a doubt it's a Domestic staff or your Tailor ok sorry your Designer lol, or Sikiru your Mechanic calling you from Ladipo "Oga your money no reach to buy Crank shaft o". Shuoo! Why are you forming now? Oh you no dey use Local Mechanic sorry o. My bad. Ajebutter. Na Coscharis Autos dey Service your Range Rover Jeep pele o. Look make i tell you true story If you escape Sikiru or Morufu because you get Brand new car ehn, You better go buy a Private Jet too. You are asking me why? Okayee, make i tell you. There are no Certifications in Naija for Aeronautical Engineers. How does that affect you? Listen make i tell you now, This means that when a Plane lands at the Domestic Airport in Lagos en route to Abuja or Sokoto or wherever.If you are priviledged/unfortunate to walk down to the Hanger you will be shocked to your bone marrows.Here's the scenario.A plane(Insert name here ADC, Chachangi, Belview, warever) is leaving in 20 mins. The Cabin Crew complained to management about Shaking, extreme Rattling and an unusual loud noise from the Engines, plus the tyres aren't retracting. Serious stuff right?Wrong. Solution = 2 Sunburnt ugly, smelly "Aeroplane" Mechanics jump on the scene. They are tracing fuel lines, and while you are checking in, they are checking tyre pressure. Be prepared to hear stuff like "Morufu fun mi ni 10 spanner" "Jamiu fun mi ni 6 flat"(Morufu pass me the 10" Spanner and the 6" flat screwdriver)I kid you not. And People are surprised planes are dropping off the skies like Bird shit.

Wetin i dey talk before sef? Ehen, So that's how my phone was just ringing on Sunday shai now picked up the phone and a gruff voice at the other end "hello this is Corporal Inyang" I'm like "wrong number mate" and he goes "is that BabaAlaye"? I do a double take. Emm ...Yes it is...*Lord what is it now* "Oga your friend is here in our custody he wants to speak with you".

At this point i'm totally gobsmacked.I mean WTF? then the dude gets on the phone Good morning it's your friend Peter. I'm like Peter who??? The only Peter i know has a Roman Church named after him and he's been long dead. I don't know you o!!! Abeg where did you know me from. (I was quickly losing it at this point.)

You are laughing at me abi? It's not your fault. 2 days "cooling your heels" in a Naija Detention cell will change your outlook to life. Trust me on this one.Anyway sha, na so the guy come talk say "Babaalaye i was at the Estate park with you on Friday. It's Peter from your Church". Okay, the Coin dropped at this point. I remember the guy now. He was a somewhat slow dude who attends my Church in the Home fellowship (well...the few times i turn up there lol) and was talking about me helping me out with a job and sturves. Nice enough chap but presently going through a rough patch and he doesn't seem too quick on the uptake.

Well, Church or no church me i no want wahala so i'm like "Dude what did you do? "Why are u at the Police station"? And "Why are you calling me?" Then he started mumbling some incoherrent stuff, and the impatient Police man jumps on the line and starts to explain his offence.

Here's what happened. The Dude (Shebi i said he's a "job seeker") ehen. He had gone out on Friday morning looking for employment. E don waka all of Broad street, Marina, Adeola Odeku,Sanusi Fafunwa, all the VI streets sha in fact the guy go don sabi road pass Okada driver sef. still no show. He was broke and didn't have any money for Transportation so he walked home on an empty stomach.To make things worse, his uncle who's BQ (Boys Quarters)he was squatting at was out of the country. So what's a desperate Man to do?

He bids is time, waits until it's almost check out time, and confidently walks into the Estate's fast food Restaurant, walks into the Men's room, and promptly locks himself in.2 hours later Dude Emerges from the Toilets, looks around furtively for a minute, he's sure no one's around and makes his way straight to the Food section and turns on the light.Mehn!!! The sight this guy must have seen.... A hungry man looking at Juicy Fried Chicken and Fried Rice, and Fried Snail, tens of packs of chilled Orange juice, Pineapple juice. Heaven!!!

Na so the guy carry plate begin the feast of his life o. Infact ehn!!! the guy ate and his soul was satisfied, then he went to the Childrens Corner to sleep.

The Shop Manager got in the next morning and saw several crushed chicken bones in a plate and empty packs of Orange juice. I guess he musta been alarmed at first but upon closer inspection, money wasn't missing from the till. So i guess after heaving a sigh of releif that his Job was still intact he eventually finds our Man Peter curled up at the Kidddies section sleeping blissfully.To cut a long story short sha na so Police come arrest the guy o. But the Restaurant didn't want to press charges since he didn't steal money or anything. They only wanted his bill cleared.

So that, in a nutshell be the story wey i glean off Corporal Inyang and Peter the midnight Ninja. I felt releived that the guy wasn't in Custody for Armed Robbery or anything Major like that. Then i started feeling bad that things can actually get so bad that a fellow man will have to resort to pulling stunts like that just to stop the hunger pangs gnawing away inside of him.I had to go "bail him out" from the Police Station and i paid off the Restaurant.(I made a mental note note to spend a dime there anymore) If they can't let go of something that trivial, something must be seriously wrong with the world. Duh!!!

So i get a text from Peter this morning. He's gotten a Job at a Bank in Lagos as a Mail Man. I feel so good and happy for him I guess it's good news friday.. At least another one off the unemployment line. It's a tought place this. You'll never know what people are going through in Naija at the other end of our air-conditioned cars, running around in the hot sun trying to sell a phone recharge card. Just so they can eat.People here are so tough they'll survive a Holocaust and still crack a smile.

This Christmas can i challenge somebody not to buy that PSP, or XBox, and i'm sure that Jimmy Choo is to die for, and you've been dreaming about that Hermes bag. But Can we please make at least one person back home in Nija smile.Do a Western Union Transfer to Grandma or Uncle or that Auntie that you used to look up to while you were still in Naija, but now looks all haggard and weatherbeaten due to the severe hardship in this country. Pleease just reach out and love someone p-l-e-a-s-e. I'm sure you know at least one person who needs it. Every little helps. (Sorry Tesco)

I've always questioned the rationale behind installing some rude guy just at the exit point of the Arrival Hall at MM Airport. Haba Kilode? You've gone through Customs, (Oga anything for the boys?) Immigration, (Oga anything for awon boys?) NDLEA, (Oga anything to see? Like i'd tell you duh!) Quarantine, (Oga anything ?) , Waiting for your luggage, somborry "mistakenly" thiefing your luggage, the Heat, body odour, Rushing for trolleys, smell of cosmetics...the nice ones from jand, the smell of the Bleaching creams...Tura Fair and white(The not so exclusive preserve of the Customs/immigration chics and the cleaners, and the Isale Eko chics that import Packaged juice), and the screaming babies, ...poor darlings all that heat, and all the black ugly guys wearing fake Bling. WTF?

Anyway sha, where was i? Ehen that's how me i breezed through all of that wahala now, and at the last point make i comot that's how this Were Officer was now checking Passports and luggage tags at the exit. For wetin now? No be duplication of duty be that? That's how Mr Dude above vex say lai lai you no go check anything. And Mr. Official wan come Argue, and Frustrated Mr. Dude was not having any of that sht. So he promptly lands a serious slap on the Ghost Worker/Airport official's face like that. Dem come cause go slow for inside Airport.Which kain Wahala be this now? I go still pass plenty go slow(Traffic jam for you jandedos) before i reach 3rd Mainland, reach my house now. Na so i go beg Ghost Worker make e forget the whole thing and give peace a chance blah blah... at least make me i comot.

That's when i looked closely at Mr. Dude and realised the guy na my Old Buddy in High School.Go figure. I swear my school turns out more thugs than a Cuban Jail. So i was like Femi how far now? Long time no see, He's Married now..well he's wearing a wedding band, he's gained a bit of weight but he's not lost any of the Agbero traits.

So i was like Nigg how've you been? Turns out his wife is in London, and his Girlfriend is in Lagos with his Daughter. Ehen!! so he "shuttles" between London and Lagos okayeee.So i asked if his Penis was still functioning ok? * I know, i know, let me explain*

See, Femi had a brother, Tunde, back in school that was a bit of a tout (well, stating the obvious)and the Father was a highly respected Deacon at a very popular Church. Meanwhile, Femo had this brown pair of Tommy H. Khakis he was so in love with. One Evening sha, he tried pulling the metal Zipper on the Pants and it caught his em... Penis and it wouldn't come unstuck.To cut a long thing short(hehe) Dude was rushed to the School clinic and transferred home.The Jist from Tunde his brother was that the Medics had to cut the skin to free the Zipper Ouch!!!

Now, this is the interesting part. He gets back to School and we promptly tell Femo that Bros, your thing no go work again lai lai. You need to test it extensively. He gets scared and asks for Playboy, and Hustler mags which promptly appear from under different Mattresses.

5 minutes later, he confirms it's fine. That's when his brother Tunde goes "why don't we tell Popsie your thing is no longer working"? Femi wasn't having none of that but with a bit of endorsement from myself and a couple of Awon Boys we were able to convince him. My take was the Guy's Father had too much aggro, Disciplinarian Deacon, at worst e go buy playboy mags for the pickin to test his thing abi? And we go get extra girly mag stashed for free. Right?

Wrong! Even me sef amazement catch me. Na so the "Reverend Gentleman" quick quick go organise babe for im pickin o. Meanwhile, The babe seemed "very familiar" with the old man. The Man say "oya test this thing right now and give me feedback. I assume you know what to do"? See something o. From where the chic waka from now? How the Deacon take Organise the Babe sharp sharp like that?This same guy has strict "No visitor" rules. If he catches you even talking to a Girl Peren! It's a Naija smack down a la Koboko. At 15.Na that day i know say Naija parents ehn, beneath all that facade, scratch deep enough.....

Now i wonder what effect Femi's Dad's actions had on his son's outlook to life in general and to Women in Particular. A legally Girlfriend(ed) babe in Lagos (with a child), and a Legally Married Wife in another country.Was it his Pop, Or just him, or is it something in the Lagos Water pipes? Or are we guys just plain sick?

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

One Hit Wonders

I'm at work and sleepy as hell. I wonder why i can't work from home in this blasted country. It's inhuman for anyone to be subjected to driving to work through that Lekki Traffic.

I had an Eureka moment this afternoon. See, i work in a building with strictly Engineers and 92% male.And i've always wondered why nobody really smiles, then it dawned on me. There are no Women here!!!! I noticed that if a chic walks into the an office all the guys sit straight up, Pop their collars and drooolllll. Then they start talking louder, become more assertive and generally start displaying Alpha male characteristics.(And they get more done) Agbayas. Meanwhile the chics here are either very married or Butt Fugly or both.Most times both. HR musta made it a criteria. If you look good peren, nothing for you. Oh well 7 hours of torture.

Anyway sha that's how i was looking through my mp3 files on my P.C (5 GB worth) and i stumbled on Positive K's "I got a man". Do ya'll remember that joint? I knew all the words to the song then back in High school. So that kinda got me thinking. What on Earth is Positive K up to now? Or Shabba Ranks for that matter. or Patra, All Saints,Mark Morrison, Eagle eye Cherry, 69 boys, Billy Ocean, Mad Cobra, XScape, Total, ....all of them like that. Na wah o.One day you're a Superstar and people are climbing over each other to sign autographs, and chics are throwing panties at you on stage, then the next day you're like hi i'm Aaron Hall and the kid at the McDonald till goes Aaron who?

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Runs

A "Good Friend" txt me Yesterday asking if i'll be available to see a friend of hers. I said okay, and soon a charming, young-sounding woman called, and we set up a meet, around 7 pm at The Bungalow in VI.Decked out like something out of True love Magazine. Rusty Brown Deola Sagoe gown , and brown Jimmy Choos.Okayee. It's so on.

Typical young Ikoyi Wife, plus she had that look. You know that look like where dem dey?But she was friendly and she acted like we knew each other already. "I heard you love to eat pussy" she said.I replied "Yes" with a dead pan expression on my face. I got her. I know the type. Nervous as fuck and trying to nudge you off the cliff to see if you'd trip.

I kept quiet and had the faintest of smiles on my face "I didn't see you at the this day Concert"she said. Well.. you werent looking out for me. You wouldn't have noticed me. "Your eyes are very different. ...Dark and Mysterious and very sexy"

Ok Now Mami's playing with me. I'm not saying much which is strange. Absolute rarity but this time i ma let mami sweat this one out. You hungry? She ordered a Salad. I'm thinking "Who you trying to impress?" I love ma women with a bit of Flesh. Of course i'm not saying nufink. I sip on my Drink. She's through. Can we go now?

The Guards in my Estate must be having the time of their lives. Nothing interesting ever happens. I imagine it's got to be the most boring job in the whole wide world to be a security guard in Lekki. Their Counterparts in Surulere and Ikeja i'm sure don't have it that tough. Things haoppen. But anyway they have lots of gossip fodder to while away many a long night.

She Parks behind me. Why would anybody buy a Yellow Honda Element? The Car looks comical as it were but the Yellow turns it to something out of Bob the Builder. Na Wah. Anyway sha she gets in and sinks her cute backside in my Sofa. "This place looks like a love den" she says. I'm still not saying much.

I Come around and cup her face with my hands and plant my lips on her, and i heard her gasp.Then the standard "we shouldn't be doing this I care about my husband" line. Okayee.

An hour later she was out the door. Had to pick up some groceries at Shoprite on her way home.We kiss and she's outtie. The Guard is smiling sheepishly ...Bombaclaat.I'm bored with this shit. Was on Autopilot all through. I got some Blue berry Cheesecake Ice cream in the freezer. Now that's Heaven.

NB. Meanwhile, If you beleive that was me.O wa very sick. You need to go get checked fo'shizzle