As the old saying goes: "you can't choose your family, but you can choose to buy them ridiculous gag gifts for the holidays because you hate them." As we stated clearly in the headline, don't act all elitist and compassionate with us! You can't possibly love everyone in your family — shared genetics or not, some of them are just straight up assh-oles and that's OK! Well, it's usually OK, but things can get a little hairy around the holidays. Technically speaking, you can grab a bottle of booze and hide out in your room the entire time, but where's the fun in that? Getting drunk alone is only fun Monday through Friday, not on holidays

Instead of being a recluse (who's also accused of being a cheapskate), why not parlay your hatred into something much more entertaining? We've cultivated the perfect gift guide. No, really guys, we've outdone ourselves with this one. There's truly something for everyone...every annoying, condescending, shrill, alcoholic family member you've got!

Of course, when they react with sheer and utter disgust, feel free to blame us under the pretenses that this was a "gag gift" guide and it was supposed to be funny (even if you're the only one laughing).

Keep scrolling for the complete list of gifts to buy relatives you hate!

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Santa's Stocking Flask (Holds 3 Bottles of Wine) — $19.99

There's always that one family member who ends up drinking all of the wine before dinner even starts. Just go ahead and fill this bad boy up, throw it in their face and call it a day. Maybe print out some local AA meeting information as well.

Eclipse Spearmint Sugarfree Gum, 180 Piece Bag — $5.98

Old Spice High Endurance Deodorant, Pure Sport (5 Pack) — $14.39

Ideal for your cousin (male or female) who has decided that the government uses deodorant as mind control. This would also make a great gift for your uncle who refuses to shower after going to the gym, despite the fact his gym has some pretty nice freakin' showers.

Energizer AA Batteries (24 Count) — $12.34

Perfect for any female in your family who constantly rags on you for being single, yet, they haven't had a date in 10 years (and may or may not have multiple cats). If you're not picking up on the sexual innuendo, think: battery powered sex toys.

Aller-Ease Cotton Hypoallergenic Protection Body Pillow — $24.73

Yet another fantastic gift for your perpetually single family members. Let them temper the sting of loneliness with a big ol' body pillow. Maybe even throw in a picture of their favorite celebrity to really complete the fantasy.

Go the F**k to Sleep (Hardcover) — $13.46

Socksmith Unisex Avocado Socks — $10.00

Avocados are inarguably some of the most delicious fruits on the planet (yes, they're fruits, we just Googled it) any family member who doesn't like avocados should be forced to wear these socks everyday like Hester Prynne in The Scarlet Letter.

Depend Incontinence Guards for Men (52 Count) — $22.74

Perfect for any male family member who insists on acting like a big F'in baby. Of course, they're also great for any male family member who does actually need a little extra absorbency down there (no judgement, y'all).