Enigmatic Astronomy Professor Winks After Denying Knowledge of Alien Life

While most students admittedly sign up for the class thinking they’ll learn why Scorpios are so intimidating and Geminis are so fake, those with a hard-on for Neil deGrasse Tyson have a lot of suitable questions coming into FSU’s most popular astronomy course. After 8 weeks in AST 1002: Planets, Stars and Galaxies, sophomore Jennifer Langston’s curiosity about extraterrestrial life couldn’t be withheld by the government any longer, and prompted her to speak up during her lecture class. When asked for his thoughts on the the possibility of life on other planets, Professor Rick Norton’s vague answer was a vigorous head shake as if to say “Heck no!”, followed by a contradictory wink in Langston’s direction.

“At first I thought he was being weird because Mercury is in retrograde, but that doesn’t happen until December.” said Langston as she deleted the ‘Area 51’ search history on her laptop. “I just asked him if he knew about the existence of aliens. A simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ would’ve sufficed. But when I went to his office hours later that day to ask for an explanation, he didn’t let me get a word in before he pointed to his ‘I Want To Believe’ poster and winked at me again. I have no idea what he’s trying to get at, but I’m onto him.” she said while fidgeting with the frequency on her walkie-talkie and transcribing an entire episode of Ancient Aliens.

After seeing the exchange in class, other students began to worry that Professor Norton wasn’t being honest with his teachings and sought answers from department head Albert Wright. However, when approached by a group of curious pupils in tin-foil hats, Wright immediately threw his briefcase to distract them while he whispered a ‘Code Green’ into his Casio watch before seemingly talking to himself and crying in his car for 15 minutes.

“Of course I have my uncertainties,” admitted grad-assistant Anthony Corning, referring to Norton’s suspicious tendencies towards acknowledging the existence of aliens. “Norton constantly suffers from time-loss, has a super weird scar behind his left ear and ignores the two guys in black suits who sit-in during every class. I just figured they were attendance checkers for the third-string football player in his lecture. But I’ve seen Signs one too many times to just assume Norton has nothing on those little green bastards.” When asked if he believes in aliens himself, Corning began to nod his head and say “Ayyyyy lmao” until he was knocked unconscious by what appeared to be a government-issued frisbee endorsing “Anyone who will ignore reported UFO sightings” for president.