Yes, gentle readers, I’d say things are hoppin’. So much so I lament not seeing my share of the action. Obviously I have been not at the wrongplace at the right time. I shared my disappointment with my public urination tipster. To wit, he/she replied:

Awwww Heather. I just know there’s an exposed penis out there for you too. And I bet when you see it, it’ll be the longest one of all.

Today it finally happened— in a manner of speaking. Thankfully it did not involve lewd public acts and I actually had the choice of looking— or not. Read on!

Ever had the feeling you’re being watched? Today while strolling along Stagg Street I did.

Sure enough I was right. So help me, but I can swear this fellow was beckoning me to come closer.

So I did.

As you can see my new friend is, to use vulgar parlance, “pitching a tent”. Let’s go in!

What a piece of work is a man! How noble in reason, how infinite in faculty! In form and moving how express and admirable! In action how like an Angel! in apprehension HOW LIKE A GOD!

— William Shakespeare, emphasis mine— Ed. Note.

I can only imagine what the provenance of this item is. A remnant of some hitherto unknown bacchanalian Industrial Business Zone ritual, perhaps?

Here’s looking at you, kid…

Closing on a somewhat related note, your’s truly discovered and acquired a most fascinating product recently. I present without further ado, Peni Fresh!

Actually I acquired a few bars— much to the amusement of the staff at said deli/grocery. One was a birthday present (said birthday boy was present), the others will be stocking stuffers. The holiday season will be upon us soon enough and let’s face facts: nothing says “Good will toward your fellow man” quite like telling them, however subtly, that they need to wash their tackle. I have yet to discern exactly what is meant by “TUTTI-FRUITTI” flavor. Methinks I’ll leave that task to Ralphie. Those of you who want to upgrade your mere dingus to a dicksicle, methinks I have found the product to make it happen. Cheers!

Peni Fresh: the Freshmaker!

*surveillance footage of which was requested by and is apparently making the rounds through the Newtown Creek Monitoring Committee!

I have received word from Citizen Robin (who took the photo gracing the beginning this of this post that one of Williamsburg’s more notable citizens, “Joe”, has returned to 373 Graham Avenue. I can assure you this is an event about which Mr. Loiacono’sneighbors— and probably the 90th and 94th Precincts— do not share this sign maker’s or (in all likelihood) these women’s enthusiasm.

The reasons for this are numerous— far too numerous to recount here. What’s more I need not do so: there is a web site dedicated solely to this fellow’s misdeeds— and impressive array of hooliganism it is! Yours truly’s personal favorite is violating a restraining order. This he saw fit to do in a spectacular manner. Namely, chasing the person protected by said order with a power saw. You can’t make this shit up, folks.

This isn’t to suggest the residents of this building during Joe’s incarceration were a cake walk. They weren’t. The broken window in the above photograph bears silent witness to this fact. In any case as of yesterday, September 17th 2014, he’s back. And if the last time “Joe” matriculated from the criminal justice system (which came to pass in May of 2012) is any indication, he can be expected to be— how shall we say— a mite bit sullen?

Of course it is called the “penal/corrections” system for a reason. Club Med Riker’s is most decidedly not. My advice: tread carefully and quietly, Williamsburgers.