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Tuesday, December 13, 2011

A sociopathic story (part 1)

From a reader who identifies with sociopathy:

I was home schooled in a very religious household (my father was a senior pastor at a church in our town), and was never the centre of attention in any group of friends, and even after I eventually went to a public high school, I always preferred to remain on the outside. People in general never really interested me in a long term way, and my ability to maintain friendships has always been held back by the fact that as soon as someone is no longer nearby, I find it much easier to move on to a new friend than to try to maintain any form of long distance communication. There really is no reward in that for me. I suppose that all of that is to say that I never really thought much about the differences that I noticed between myself and others.

When I was about 13, one of my best friends father died. It was a chainsaw accident, the blade kicked back while he was cutting brush and cut most of the way through his neck. His wife was the one who found him. It was the first major outpouring of grief that I had ever had to witness, and I think it was the first time that I realized that I would have to put on a show to avoid being though of as heartless. I wasn't very good at it, but I used the oldest excuse: I'm in shock, I'll process my emotions later.

Shortly thereafter, I took a trip to Africa and watched people live the worst life possible and felt no sympathy for them. I could only feel disdain for them. I saw it as their fault that they could not pick themselves up, that they wasted what little they had on worthless shit like cell phones. I attributed these feelings to the antimalarial drug I was taking, mefloquine, which has been known to have unpredictable psychological effects.

At this point, of course, none of this seemed odd to me. It occurred to me that everyone must be doing something like this. After all, people always talk about everyone wearing masks. Maybe I am not so different?

Near the end of high school, I began to notice some other oddities about myself. Before then, I had never thought of myself as a manipulative person. As I thought about my interactions with people, however, I realized that, while I never was popular, I couldn't remember any time where I had a conversation or argument where I had not gotten what I wanted. People always had a favourable impression of me. It wasn't that I was trying to manipulate people specifically, it was just that I would decide what I wanted to happen, start talking to them, and it would happen. More recently (I am now 23), I have taken to more conscious exercise of this skill, making a game out of attempting to elicit certain responses from the people around me.

I also began having episodes which I would describe as "rage breaks" in an otherwise completely calm persona. It didn't take much, but it took a very specific type of incident, and I would lose control for short bursts of time. Minor incidents usually involved someone's assertion that they were more important or more powerful than I was. More major incidents were usually stemmed from a similar cause but involved physical aggression towards me as well. My responses in those times ranged from insults to throwing someone through a door.

462 comments:

My view on moving on with friends is this. If they don't make the effort to contact you after you stopped contacting them, it's no true loss.

I've moved so many times, (especially pre-internet) that I couldn't be bothered to even try. Even with the advent email, messengers and social networks, there are whole regions of the States I've been to that I've cut contact off from.

I don't think I've ever felt loss of a friend, but sometimes I reminisce and wish I could relive some of the moments I had with them.

Friends have about a 5 year shelf life for me. Then I move on completely. I have only one friend who has lasted past a decade, and it's because she refuses to let me go. Not in that obsessive way. I don't know. Maybe she loves me. Like TNP, I've just moved around my whole life so I don't really have roots. It's too easy to let it all go. Family too.

it really is their own fault in africa its because nobody works there they just sit under the coconut tree mouth open waiting for the banana to drop in a pal of mine was in africa once and told me so its a fact

This is the first time in a while that a post author who claims to be a sociopath hasn't turned out to be a total freak or a confused teenager.

"It wasn't that I was trying to manipulate people specifically, it was just that I would decide what I wanted to happen, start talking to them, and it would happen."

I like this part. I used to experience it the same way without realising that I was being manipulative. I thought that everyone felt that the whole point of dealing with other people is to get them to do what you want, and that everybody else out there was just trying to rip the next person off. Once you come to understand other people's motivations it becomes easier to control their actions.

I envy my g/f the things she has that I don't such as calm, cool and a self acceptance of who she is. I never have to lie to her that I am better than I am. That is a like cool sponge which absorbs the pain I have carried my entire life.

My label is different, but my awareness started early teens. I only became interested in the label because I needed to understand what was going on with me. It's difficult to fix something when you don't know what the problem is in the first place.

I'm a different person at work. I'm almost completely dissociated from my 'normal' self. You know how they always say to leave the personal baggage at home before you walk in the door? It's kind of like I leave my entire real person at the door.

I am constantly distracted though and it can be hard for me to focus on one thing for extended periods of time. Fortuantely I have a hundred different things to concentrate on all the time so I can keep shifting and regaining my focus. I'd probably never stop ruminating endlessly if I couldn't do this. I've built up my job to work with my problems in a productive way.

It's a relief and it's not. At work I am who I believe I need to be, but that is not who I really am. My human suit is a little too tight and slightly itchy, there. It makes it easier to do my job, I suppose, but mentally it's frustrating and uncomfortable.

Concerning personal attachments, it also makes it hard for me to believe anyone I work with. Everyone here likes me, however, no one actually knows me. They only know who I show them. It kind of leaves all my relationships here covered in a fine layer of smoke and ash.

What brings you here Sam? are you studying PD's? Or just a private interest? I think that is a great thing trying to understand human conditions, and the people around you. Tel me more about your interest Sam!

Thanks, it's just a private interest. Started out with me surfing online at work. Was looking for the next thing to kill time. I remembered two people at working talking about the Col Russell Williams case, him being a psychopath. So I started reading. Wow so much information over 100 years of study. But most are conflicting opinions. Hare and Checkely seem to have more information that makes sence.

I like to read the post on these blogs, and know what labels people have, and try to see if there are any written things that are noticable as well.

Do psychopaths also lie in text ? I'm wondering if you had poor education growing up, if you would contradict yourself simply because you didn't have a full understanding of english. Like using emotional discriptors when you really don't understand the meaning of it ?

@David I read what you wrote last night about becoming unglued. I know this sounds trite, but consider forcing yourself out of isolation in some small way. I just needed to say that, no matter how trite it sounds.

Sam is a psychopath. Who cares ? This is a sociopath blog, there are a few here as well I'm sure. And he tool another test first, with that bitch old woman that questioned his PhD. ThaT test was like 120 questions of something.

He's only civil because there are cameras around, it's a mask. He pathologically lies throughout the documentary. There are parts of the documentary, in which he says he doesn't really care about his wife and speaks about her as if she were merely an object.

It is true that to be qualified as a psychopath you would have to possess some pretty extreme traits and it's not easy to get. And none of these individuals could really be considered as "high-functioning". I once did, as an exercise, a few PCL-R tests to some fictitious characters I thought were psychopathic and was surprised to find out none of them got even close. Typically they scored between 20-25. And (even though the test really cannot be performed on yourself) I scored 10-11.

Now a different matter entirely is to make a claim that there are as well "high-functioning" sociopaths that wouldn't score high in the PCL-R test but still have the "psychopathic brain". There is some evidence to support that claim as well. "The more sophisticated the psychopath, the lower the score. A psychopath with good behavioural controls and good critical thinking skills would be more dangerous yet have a lower score on a HARE PCL-R. For example, fictional character Dr. Hannibal Lecter (and many real serial killers) scores far too low to be labelled a psychopath based on the Hare PCL-R. Contrary to popular belief, a low score on a HARE PCL-R indicates a higher rate of rape than a medium score and a much higher murder rate than a medium score or a high score."

Higher functioning, or not. It's impossible to take poor behavioral controls out of a psychopath. In a corporate setting those traits would be channeled differently, but they are still there. I believe high functioning is just a label wannabe sociopaths use. Think of it, you can bend any definition to fit the "high functioning" argument.

I believe the term "high functioning" is only used in this blog, yes. My point is that somebody like Sam Vaknin (and many serial killers) might get a relatively low score on the Hare screening test but still show abnormal brain scan similar to psychopaths. They would just label him differently - like in Vaknin's case malignant narciccist. So the Hare screening test is not as useful people would like to believe.

Even if you were say "high functioning" I have no idea how psychopathic traits would effect your career negatively. A grandiose sense of self worth warrants respect and inspires envy. Lacking empathy is vital, as you won't be emotionally effected by harsh decisions. Pathologically lying is perfect for creating a good impression. And so on..

There is a problem with the high functioning thing. It gives those that do not fit the definition, an idea that they are a psychopath. I've seen countless articles by M.E, in which the reader goes on to tell us that they felt like an outsider, was bullied and they're emotionally numb, yet thinks they're a psychopath... WTF? You see there is a huge problem when people can bend the definition to fit themselves. And frankly, I'm worried about these kids.

When you look into the backgrounds of sociopaths, you will not see a loser, or an outcast. What you'll see is a winner in every aspect. Sociopaths are the most normal people you could encounter, we aren't freaks.

I think there might be something to the high-functioning/ low-functioning theory. As a teen, I was diagnosed with ODD, and my father is a psychopath; I know I exhibit a lot of sociopathic traits. But I have also been a devout Christian for over ten years, and that has really *changed* me. I now seek only to help others, I try to love them with my actions, even if my feelings are shallow. I try not to lie or manipulate. But I have an explosive temper, blunted empathy, I don't maintain long term friendships, and am a fairly extreme risk taker. I also have weird processing issues surrounding pain and fear, sex and violence. I rely on mild substance use to avoid crushing boredom, and because it helps to take the edge off my anger. I'm not a sociopath in the way that I have seen it described here (deriving pleasure from hurting others) but I might have been were it not for the influence of my faith, which serves as an outside control to mediate my actions. I think my faith is what renders me high-functioning, perhaps to the point of mitigating sociopathy almost entirely. Yet if I were hooked up to an MRI, I may well exhibit the brain patterns of a psychopath.

"faith" is worthless when it comes to determining what's real and what isn't.

I really don't care if people want to have "faith" in some ridiculous imaginary sky-being, if all that means is that they have personal "faith." I *DO* care when they want to promote their "faith" as fact, turn their "faith" into secular law, deny people who don't share their "faith" civil rights, etc. Those actions are harmful to the world we all share, and as they derive from worthless "faith" they shouldn't be tolerated.

Tco, I suppose that's a logical conclusion for an atheist who also happens to be an idiot. I've read some of your comments; you wouldn't recognize a boil if it were growing out of your asshole and singing the hallelujah chorus, let alone engender accurate or profound psychological insights.

Im not a psychopath, just someone with antisocial tendencies. And I dont care what anyone thinks of my faith- it is very personal, and it works for me. Nor do I wish to enshrine what I believe in the legislative process; unlike many Christians, I actually believe in the separation of church and state.

Daniel, why do religious people bother you so much? Why can't you just accept that they are deluded and move on. Also, I doubt a psychopath could be religious. I believe those child molesting priests are psychopaths, but they only used religion as a guise to gain easy access to children.

Now here’s one for you: try thinking through the concepts you read about a bit more, then come back.

Psychopaths do not suffer from delusions in the same way that, say, schizophrenics might. Sure. But then again, I didn’t say they did. I said, and I quote “common cognitive deficiencies”. After you get through exercising your atrophied thinking muscle, go ahead and read up on cognitive research, common biases and fallacies. It’ll be fun, I promise.

Psychopaths aren't passionate about anything, they are emotionally shallow. Nothing touches them on a deep level, hence the boredom. There is no way that a psychopath could be religious. They'd probably become religious for a week or something, then get bored of the idea.

Daniel, You are like the puddle that marvels at how the hole you are in fits you perfectly. Once again, your opinions are just that. What is to gain for the psychopath in taking a religion on ? To spread good ? Love ? LOL

Another dickhead with an opinion. Try living with a psychopath for a few years and come back and talk, Mr know it all.

Again, anonymoron, clearly define and differentiate between the psychiatric use of the term delusion and the neuroscientific use of the words irrational thinking. Oh, and I forgot to mention cognitive economic theory in the homework assignment above.

Go do that, come back and report your findings, then we'll talk.

And now, using my awesome psychic powers, I can predict what your response is going to be...

Ah, perhaps we got off on the wrong foot. My bad. Instead of having yet another internet argument, the kind that no one ever really wins but the small minded, why not instead tell me what it's like to live with a psychopath.

Why do NT people come into places like this and throw around insults ? You do know Alterego, that most people inhere are psychopaths or sociopaths. Personal insults don't work, and only make you look foolish. They don't have emotions like you or I. Calm yourself and check your emotions. We don't all need to read your trash here.

Gotta go for a bit anonymous at 11:09. But seriously, your phrase "try living with a psychopath for a few years" really made me back track. I bet your personal experience will be far more enlightening than an academic argument over semantics.

Unless of course that phrase wasn't actually a description of your own experience…

Google is your friend. It's not my fault you choose not to look up the facts for yourself. No one has ever died from a leathal dose THC. Caffeine kills yearly. So will a majority of on the shelf meds are the drug store.

There's a pro stoner babandwagon of lazy losers that are all about talking about why the ssystem fails and doing nothing about it, and I guess, chosen, if you like be affiliated with that social sect tthan yes, its socially acceptable.

My buddy tried to get me to smoke some weed, but i refused. He told me it would make me less uptight. I looked at how open minded and non aggressive he was. He'd have a conversation with anyone, while I was more elitist. I'd hate to be that way.

This is what we get though.... The plant has been stigmatized by an extensive propaganda campaign over the years, it is built it to the culture that it is evil and will ruin your life while alcohol with its deleterious health effects and social consequences, tells people through advertisements that if you drink it you will get hot women and look good on the beach!

To be opposed to marijuana - in particular - is to say you are opposed to all things natural. Numerous studies have shown the positive health benefits of it's use. It is immoral to limit access to such a simple, harmless substance when it... is able to improve the life of the individual. If you are concerned about drugs that harm people turn your energy toward making nicotine and alcohol illegal.

Humans have cannabis receptors. We are built to utilize the active ingredients of marijuana. It is not for fear of harm that might befall the individual or society that has made it illegal. For it does not harm either. It is because of greed that it was outlawed and greed is the reason it is still illegal.

Anyone who does some honest, open-minded research will see that prohibition of cannabis has only harmed us. If it were legal almost every product we use would be cheaper. Our lives could be so much better in many ways. When i consider the good things it has to offer it is hard to imagine that the negative aspects could outweigh the positive.

I have no problem with weed. I even have a pot card. But the argument that is harmless is stupid. You are breathing is harmful smoke. People still get lung cancer. Short term memory lose. Apatheticness. I made that last word up.

I'm not only against marijuana, anon. I want cigarettes banned, also. Just because some asshole has low self worth and wants to damage themselves, doesn't mean I have to get that dirt in my beautiful body.

Some old dirty looking poor grandmother was walking in front of me, a few days back, smoking. Her smoke was going right in my face. I had to fight the urge to punch the old grandmother right in the side of the face.

I'm not any more opposed to weed than I am to any drugs, ironically. Someone said weed is socially acceptable, and i merely elaborated in which cultures. Obviously its the extreme case, but I find it fitting for chosen. He seems to have the lazyish stoner mentality.

And sorry, but a side effect for mmost people (usually dumb ones) of smoking weed regularly is a distinct personality type.

Anonymous, your a great example of one of the delusional stoner ttypes. Making up shit to support your oppression and not doing a damn thing to change a ddamn thing.

Wow anon 12:41 you made some point!Everyone wants to be like you and be worth more then anyone else.Too bad your the only one that can see how superior your health is compared to others walking the street with you. How dare she smoke outside.

I don't believe in any drug being used for aanything other than recreation really. But im pretty rigid and have an aversion tto aanything crutchy. I can understand the tool argument and disagree with it. I think dependencies on things that change your state of being to be normal is a qquick fix. I think it hinders a persons personal development more than it helps it, and I think its questing for self actualization iin a sort oof ccheating way. I support pharmaceutical drugs as much as I think id ssupport tthe plague, though. My husband hhas to make mme take things when I'm so deathly sick I can't move. I can actually say I support the pplague mmore. I like the iidea of ppeople dying over personality drugs that make them zombies.

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Of course, my default is still to intuitively analyze every outcome and situation and achieve the best result, but it's more interesting to let people remain a variable and go in their own direction, rather than nudging them in the direction I prefer. Interacting with people WITHOUT trying to control them is a new paradigm for me.