This just in! I’m ready to start the next chapter in my life. I want to have a kid! But not yet… I have went through phases throughout the last couple of years. Some days, I would see my friends with their cute kids supporting them while they were on stage in their cute little band manager onesies or doing something cute in a video I saw on facebook and think I want one. Then I would also have days where I would be in store or somewhere public and someone’s kid would be acting up and annoy the heck out of me. And I would think, now way! I do not want a kid. The same goes with my fi. We could not decide. And I have finally made sense in my head of why we have been in such a wishy washy phase.

It’s bad timing!

Neither of us want to live here in the area where we are forever. And we are not at a point in life where we can leave yet. We are super excited to be getting married and making revolutions in life like having a child. But we can’t have one now! Not while we are here! We would never get to leave. We need to wait. And while I’ am a little scared and it may be risky, it will happen when the time is right. We may be on the road…we may be living in another city or even state, but we will be happy where we are. We will not be here. If we had a child and then left, the family would be devastated. However if we had one while we were already gone, it would be much less saddening to them. Just something I have cried over before. But now I feel better.

Ok. As promised, I am going to tell you about my dream I had the other night. But honestly, you might as well scroll down to the bottom paragraph because last night’s was even worse! Two nightmares in a row! It sucks to even talk about. What many don’t know is that I do dream interpretation. So if I go into too much detail, my apologies. I’ll try not to.

The first dream, was my fiancé cheating on me. Now the reason I stated the dream was so absurd is because it was with one of our best friends. She not only doesn’t live around here. But she is in a serious relationship and my fiancé and her have never flirted what so ever with each other. We are all friends and she would never do that to me! I think I’m just so stressed out from my job that my dreams are going hay wire. I also started my period yesterday so boom. Serotonin (The chemical in your brain that produces your happy feelings) dropped! I more than anything felt guilty about having that dream about my friend and him because they are both good people and I didn’t like to see them in a light that was so opposite to their character in real life. Usually when you see a friend in a dream who is betraying you, this means that you are having some self doubt or insecurities. I am only human. We all go through this. I am in fear that my workplace is going to be shutting down and that I will be stuck in this town….just lots of challenges right now. So I get why I had the dream. I’ll persevere though. It’s good to recognize your feelings and acknowledge them good and bad. Dreams are very helpful for this.

The second and worst dream was the one I had last night. I dreamt that I was in my house (in reality though I was in my grandparents old home who have passed away. In fact, the whole inside of the house burned down years ago sadly). I was walking through the kitchen and there on the table lied a deadly bug. Don’t laugh, but the name of the bug was called a Corrs. I mean really dream, you named the bug after a brand name of beer?! I was so scared because I knew in my dream that this bug was more deadly than the brown recluse. If it stung you, you were screwed. I ran after it with the nearest box I could find to trap it. This thing was fast! But I didn’t want it to sneak up on me! I was trying to trap it and I guess it got mad at me for chasing it because it jumped up in my hair and started heading quickly to my scalp. I was swatting at it trying to get it out of my hair but trying not to have it sting my hand. Bye the time I grabbed a thick towel to grab it by instead of my hands, it stung me right in the back of the scalp. It hardened up and this when I pulled it out, a hard stinger the size of a lobotomy needle came out. I immediately grabbed a phone and called 9-1-1 and lied down to die. It was a fail. The Coors killed me and it wasn’t even from liver damage! I don’t even hardly ever drink that brand. But if so, I would be even more freaked out. Anyway, I woke up in a panic and feeling the exact spot on the back of my hand. This one is going to take me a really long time to analyze.

My quaint little country area has become a cesspool of corrupt policeman, heroin, the occasional murder mystery, and pill heads. This is a sad truth which often gets swept under the red carpet. We have a sheriff who was on a documentary about the worst areas for the pill epidemic and he actually showed the reporters a drawer in his office where he keeps the confiscated pills. Not only was it full, but I questioned, why is he keeping it in his own office? Shouldn’t it be locked up in a safe somewhere, redistributed to a pharmacy, or destroyed? Corruption is a real problem here. It’s a real problem everywhere. But I can remember when as a child I could ride my bicycle all over town and my parents never feared my safety. But times have changed. When I was 18, this is when I started to see this. I was constantly being pulled over by police men because they were having competitions to see who could pull the most people over, or they thought I was cute…. It was scary and I learned early in life to know my rights. I have never been to jail and knowing my rights is the reason why. I was even pulled over by a drunken cop once with impersonated police men for backup! He got a weeks suspension with pay as punishment. We have once good citizens becoming prison guards who take up the lifestyle of the prisoners, but escape punishment every time. It’s horrible that our “protectors” are going out and getting high every night. The ways of this town where to keep your sanity, you are expected to maintain ignorance is not in my nature. I love the beauty here. But the land is being destroyed by factories and miners. I love camping and bonfires. But the music and art scene is what keeps me here. We are the movers and shakers in this town. No one else. We are misunderstood by locals. But they also love us because we provide an escape through our songs and art. There are so many factories around here that I can hardly breath half of the time. I was told by a doctor that the only way to stop having my recurrent sinus infections would be to move. But I have ties here. I have family, I have friends who I consider family, and I have my band and a Comoro dory with fellow musicians and artists who are involved in trying to make this area better. A drifters life is what I dream of.

And this is where I will finally get to my point. The fact that I want to go! But my people here are… well people of here. I am different. I chase butterflies and seek adventure. I could always relate to The Wizard of Oz. Because, I am the type of person who does nothing but dream. I wish to follow the yellow brick road so bad that I may some day just flex and bust out of this town! I’ve done so before years ago. My family did not take it well. Now I am filled with fear. But I will get the courage to leave one day. I’m not sure if I’m Dorothy or I am the cowardly lion. And I am ok with that. But who am I to complain? If you have seen the Wizard of Oz, and I’m sure you have, you will know that the cowardly lion may have been scared. But he eventually made it to Oz with the help of his friends.

When I wake up in the morning, pensive. I get lost in thought about my dreams. I am a very lucid dreamer. Sometimes my dreams leave me waking up questioning life. I start to get ready, pensive. What am I going to eat for breakfast, what’s the nutritional value of this, will I make it through the day? Can I remain positive? I’m going to need more coffee! Pensive.

When I get to work, pensive. I wonder why I’ve seen three turtles this morning? What is the symbolism of the turtle? Slow and steady wins the race? Well it is Thursday. And it has been a long week. Just keep swimming…I can make it to the weekend. What will this weekend hold?! Probably a few more days of me being pensive.

I go home from work, you guessed it, pensive. I have so much to do. But I worked all day. What should I watch on Netflix? Will I ever get up and do some household chores? I wonder when my headache will go away. I’ve had headaches for a long time. How weird, I wonder why. I wonder where I will be in ten years. Probably still pensive.

And then after thinking and remaining so busy all day, when it comes to night time…pensive?

No I crash!

And then it starts all over again.

When I wake up in the morning, pensive. I first get lost in thought about my dreams as I’ve almost slept through my alarm this morning. I heard the alarm in my dream and thought I was up and getting ready trying to turn off the noise in real life! But I was asleep. I start to get ready, pensive. What am I going to eat for breakfast, what’s the nutritional value of this, will I make it through the day? Can I remain positive? I’m going to need more coffee! Pensive.

When I get to work, pensive. I wonder why I’ve seen four bluebirds this morning? Who am I? Snow White?! Some just call this pale. What is the symbolism of the bluebird? Happiness is on it’s way? Well it is Friday! And it has been a long week. Just keep flying…I can make it to 6pm when I clock out and enjoy my freedom. What will this weekend hold?! I’m sure yet again, it will be a few more days of me being pensive.

I go home from work, you guessed it, pensive. I have so much to do. But I worked all day. My guitar and I have a date. What all will I actually do with all this freedom? I have waited all week and have so much fun to be had! I can sleep in! What songs do I want to work on this evening before the gig. I can’t wait until the big wedding day but I have so much planning to do. How will I decorate? I don’t even have my dress yet! I wonder where we will be in ten years. I have a whole bag of wine in my refrigerator!

And then after thinking and remaining so busy all day, when it comes to night time…pensive?

☼☼☼☼☼☺

Blooms, flowers, trees, and all plants.

Animals, reptiles, populations.

Climates, societies, wildlife.

music, vibes, love……

All living things have a chance to thrive. We all have potential. It’s funny how humans can be so full of doubt, yet we are at the top of the evolutional chain. We are the creators. We are the destroyers. We hold enough power to either save or destroy the entire planet. Why do we have so much doubt and self hatred? Does every living thing in creation harness this negativity? Or are we the only ones who don’t realize our full potential?

Even a weed can grow in concrete. And when that weed is done and has grown all it can, it goes on to change the world. It spreads it’s seeds throughout the world. As much weed killer is mass produced and sold in the US, we could never kill all the weeds. Because they persevere. So today I have a challenge for you! Be like a weed. Where ever you are in life, always choose to grow, no matter what the circumstances.

Though my father left my family when I was a child, I will flourish.

Though I’ve lost the person who I thought was the love of my life to his drug addiction, I found love again. Someone who could treat me like I deserved to be treated. And I will flourish in loving myself first and my fiancé as well. I am very thankful.

Though I often doubt myself as a musician in a society where I am the outcast and constantly in the spotlight. Where competition is everywhere, I will never give up on my passion for the arts. I will flourish.

I have been unhappy before, and I will be unhappy again. The same goes to you. That’s just life. I realize that emotions are what make us beautiful so why be ashamed? And though I will be unhappy again at some point in time, my acceptance of this fact is why I know I will find happiness again. And I will flourish.

While I am not rich in monetary value, I am rich in love and blessings. Karma is real. So I will flourish. Thank you mother nature for your innate blessings.

One of the hardest things that has ever happened to me was when I lost my grandfathers both on my mom’s and my dad’s side of the family. The one on my mom’s side of the family was like a father to me. In fact he was like the glue to my family. I miss him every day. Shortly after I lost his wife, my meemee or grandmother. She was creative just like me. And then went my grandfather on my dad’s side of the family. His death was a sudden onset of dementia. I think about them all often. This is life. Everything dies. I have one grandparent left. I will cherish her forever. She is my last grand relative I have left. I even lost my great great great (What? She was old..) grandmother. Talk about a sweet little 99 year old lady. If she can live that long and be happy, so can I! I always want to make them proud. So I will Flourish.

Something that has really been on my mind is the fact that Summertime can not come soon enough. I am sick of this rain and the headaches caused by the pollen and the gloom. I must suck it up and persevere. I can do this. I will flourish. Please good weather! Hurry! I am so sick of gloom! I’m ready!

Happiness is all in the mindset. We are the creators of our own universe. Regardless of how we feel in the moment, we have to keep in mind that all things pass, and what is important is to be here now. Be present and mindful. And find ways to spread happiness! I will choose to be happy. I will flourish.

While I did not lose the amount of pounds this diet claims you will lose, I did lose more than I normally would in the span of a week. I wish I would have lost more, but I have shown results and I’m glad this diet is finally over! While I plan to continue my healthy eating, I may have a slice of cheesecake tonight to celebrate. I’ll definitely be having a glass of wine! This was a mental test and it was very hard! I was told by a neighbor who did the diet that the reason I didn’t lose more was probably because I exercised and burned calories the whole time. I’m not sure if that holds any truth, but my love handles have practically diminished. So I’ll take it. These days you have to set your expectations low that way when something positive happens, you appreciate the little things.

A woman never discusses her weight…we’ve all heard this saying, I’m sure. But I’m a lady and we like to break the rules! I’m going to break that rule just too keep this post informative. This is not to shame myself or others. Let’s be respectful here. Keep in mind, I am as of late not overweight, I am only trying to get back in shape and look good on my wedding, my class reunion, and my honeymoon. I’m also doing this because my family has a history of very slowed metabolism around the age I am. I’m trying to break that habit. I’m getting a head start on this.

Day one: 140.5 lbs.

Day two: 140.2

Day three: 139.2

Day four:138

Days 5 and 6: (Stagnant)

Day 7: (Did not weigh in)

Day 8: (Weighed in the day it was finally over before eating to show final results) 137.3

Anyway it’s hump day. The diet is over. So I’m not sure what I’m going to talk about next, humping?! Anyway, have a good rest of the week and may we crawl up that hill to the weekend together!

Tomorrow I get to do my final weigh in and kiss this awesome diet bye bye! The funny thing is, I’m pretty sure my stomach will be shrunk and I won’t be able to eat as much. But cheese cake sounds very appetizing! I am so excited. My love handles have basically diminished with this diet in conjunction with exercise and that has been my main goal. So regardless of what the scale says tomorrow, I am still going to be proud of myself.

If you are thinking of doing this diet, here are the most important things I have learned from it thus far.

a) The more soup you eat, the more you lose (Advice I have gotten from those who are experienced with this). Tried it. It works.

b) Drink lots and lots of water.

c) You may get constipated (though I have IBS which does not help). I have drank miralax for the last three days and still feel like I have rocks or bubbles in my stomach that I need to pass. Too much information, I’m sure! I’m sorry, but I am just letting you know what you may get into on account of what you are mainly eating. Foods that often cause gas can include veggies like Brussels sprouts, broccoli, and cabbage; fruits like peaches, apples, and pears; and whole grains like bran. Dairy products such as milk, cheese, and yogurt may trigger excessive gas in people with dairy sensitivity or lactose intolerance. Yea… I stole that list from Google. Sorry for the laziness, but It’s just to get my point across anyway. If you are prone to constipation, you may want to take a laxative or fiber supplement from the get go.

d) Your sinus issues (if you have any) still may not clear up. I have had some real head congestion through this whole thing, however, I haven’t been taking my decongestant and am getting over bronchitis that I had about a month or two ago, so it may be completely unrelated.

e) On day one, be careful with all the fruits. I wish I would have eaten more soup and a little less fruit. The diet will tell you to eat all of the fruit (minus banana’s) that you want. But keep in mind, the fruits are full of natural sugar and too much can lead to a migraine. Basically I have had headaches through this whole thing. Excedrine has been my B.F.F. We tight.

f) You will be challenging yourself and questioning your self restraint but you can do this! This may help you grow as a person.

g) Consult your doctor or dietician if you have any health problems that may make this diet a bad option for you before you try it.

h) Read my blog and learn my experiences with this diet first hand. I have typed them out for you so that you can kick booty when you do this.

I) While the diet may seem odd, and I am not a dietician, from what I have noticed, you are getting your daily nutrition, however it’s divided up during the week as I have noticed per logging my food intake into the My Fitness Pal app and viewing my nutritional value throughout the week rather than per day.

J) The chances of hitting a 1200 calorie mark on this diet every day is nearly impossible. I have not hit the 1200 mark once all week. However, I did come close one day. Consider this diet as a fasting practice. And while many do this for more than a week, do to the low caloric intake, I wouldn’t recommend it unless you are one of those super spiritual Monks who somehow live off of nothing but water. Trust me, if you weren’t trained personally by them while living with them, you are not one of those people! If you eat below 1100 calories for too long, your body can go into starvation mode. Why struggle just to gain it back. This will happen if you diet too hard. So don’t over kill it. Or yourself. Do this to get healthier. Not for the wrong reasons.

So there you go! Now getting onto the subject of today, my final day!!!!! Day 7!!! Let’s talk about how excited I am. How to describe my excitement about this all being over tomorrow…hmmm…. I’m about as eager as Sir Mix A Lot at a booty buffet!

Today I am limited on what I get to eat but it’s my last day. This will be my mantra. “It’s your last day.” As I posted before, there are two versions of this diet. One says today I get only rice and soup. The other version says I can add vegetables and can also have unsweetened fruit juice. That being said, I am trying to be strict so that I get the best results I can from this diet. But plain brown rice all day with no seasoning or veggies is more bland than I can stand. So I cooked up a quick microwave version of fried rice this morning. I got home late from my employee meeting at work last night (where I was forced to eat when the presidents of the company asked if I was eating first and I felt obligated, but I only ate peas, carrots, and basically the worlds tiniest salad. I figured peas and carrots are in the soup so it shouldn’t mess me up too much. But I did win $100!) so I didn’t have any time or energy to cook in preparation for today. I microwaved some instant brown rice which only took me 9 minutes to make while I was getting my face on. Then I added in about a half a can of peas and carrots (minus the juice) with some juice from the fat burning soup and some Worcestershire sauce and a tiny bit of siracha, onion powder, and garlic powder. I have it packed in a Tupperware and will be snacking on it through the day. Not my normal version of fried rice. But it’s edible and I’m going to eat it.

I quite frankly do not want to weigh myself until I finally poop today! But I will definitely make sure to do so before I eat my first meal. Drinking coffee now. Coffee makes you #Poop.

#OnlyTwoMoreDaysThankGawd! This is the first time I have ever dieted in my whole life and I have realized that the struggle is real struggley. Sure struggley is a word. Why not?

My positivity is diminishing. This may seem over dramatic. But I want chocolate and processed cheese and I could seriously use a pep talk. Help me here! This is aweful! Ready for my update? Here goes.

Friday wasn’t too bad. I was on day 3. I got to eat veggies and fruit but I was seriously looking forward to day 4 (banana and skim milk day). As I posted before, I had also lost another pound and was feeling good about myself for that reason.

I made it through Friday and Saturday and it was almost a breeze. I’ve been craving chocolate like crazy though. Why did I do this when my Aunt Flow was coming to visit? Smart right?! The cravings for chocolate have been unreal. But I have not slipped up.

Saturday was awesome. The sun was shining and I felt this burst of energy from the diet that I have not felt in years. I woke up and mowed the lawn, did some more yard work, helped my friend move to her new house because she is in crutches and was just (excuse my language) busting ass. And I was so excited to be on bananas and skim milk because finally I was giong to get to eat something sweet and filling. A lot of people who have done this diet hate this day because they find it gross. But I love bananas. Especially chopped up in milk. So I ate like 4 along with the soup and like a half gallon of milk from the creamery.

The hardest though, was Sunday which was #MothersDay. (Speaking of which, happy mother’s day to all the fabulous mothers out there remembering that children our our future and raising the next generation of thinkers and dreamers. Thanks for all you do! But back to the subject…) Let me tell you, dieting at a cookout is tough. When you are on a diet during a party of event, it is really stressful. #ReallyStressful. My family decided to have a big last minute cookout. I had to go. I mean you don’t flake out on your mom on mothers day.

While it was nice to see my family, I was so embarrassed to be on the diet. Mortified is more like the right word. I had to look like a total snob when I told them “I can’t eat any of this because I’m on a diet.” Mind you I grew up with a grandma who, if you didn’t eat at least three grilled cheeses and a bowl of homemade soup as a kid, she would ask if you were sick. The worried and concerned looks I got were aweful. There was no lying about the diet or saying I wasn’t hungry because they know me too well. I felt they would know better. They are used to seeing me eat as much as I can fit on my plate! But I did not this time.

The sad thing is, my dad had specially bought me some vegetarian hot dogs not realizing I couldn’t eat them this time. I was on my first day where the diet says you can have lean fish, beef, or chicken. So though I told him not to, he went back to the store and bought me salmon. Of course everyone questioned why I was eating salmon… And then what made it the worse was when I had to turn down everyone’s cakes, potato salads, etc… What made me look like a total snob was that I was the smallest person there. I felt like it looked like I was calling them fat. Totally uncomfortable moment. By the end of the night I was a wreck. Between that and being on my period, I was beginning to feel like a crazy person. I found myself staring down my fiancé’s beer when we made it home to relax because I wanted to drink it!

Tonight will be hard as well. I am trying to get full as can on my lean fish and soup today. I bought some delicious, low sodium, low calorie, lean fish from Kroger. I had it for breakfast and will probably have another filet of it for lunch and the soup. Because, tonight we have a catered employee meeting.

Needless to say, I am struggling.

Aside from my ranting and cry babying, I’d like to let you know that I would still recommend doing this diet once in your life, so long as you can health wise, but not often. I feel like I have grown from it. meditation and perhaps the Galveston monks station on Pandora helps. The best I can describe this as is guided fasting. It’s only been 5 full days but it has been a very spiritual journey in that it has made me more humble and self disciplined. I have also felt the effect of detoxing off of the bad foods I have eaten in my lifespan. I’ve felt a mixture of terrible and wonderful during this whole thing. We don’t realize how spoiled we are as American’s until we don’t have the things we want but don’t need at leisure. This diet has sucked. So hard… I will probably never do it again. But I can say that it has been teaching me self restraint. I have not slipped up once. Two more days. Today and tomorrow and I am running toward the finish line! Wish me luck! I’m going to need it!

I have made it over the hurdle to day three! Day one was most definitely the hardest. Yesterday was a little easier and today I get both fruit and veggies with the soup. Yum! For someone who is normally a pescetarian (only eats veggies and fish/ protein supplements) this sounds much more delicious to me than day one where I had nothing but fruit and the soup and day two where I had nothing but veggies and the soup.

Day two, still hard, but definitely easier than day one. The veggies were more filling and I didn’t get a sugar headache which was nice. I have had to shelter myself to avoid cravings but it’s not too bad. No cooking shows, no tasty videos on Facebook and no Pinterest! I don’t want that kind of temptation in my life yet! It did suck that I was so rushed to pack my lunch real quick on my lunch break. I had to throw everything in a bag very quickly and cook it in the microwave at work while waiting on customers in between snacking on it. This is because my car broke down Monday night… Just my luck, while driving, my shaft for my steering broke. I am lucky to have a fiancé who will work on my car for me! But that’s a whole different subject. Anyway, I ended up eating microwaved turnip greens that I added hot sauce, garlic, vinegar, and more spinach to. I also snacked on a carrot on my way home while a coworker drove me from work. That was not my favorite! But the soup still tastes yummy. So I enjoyed having that for dinner. Lots of it! And I also got a baked potato with sautéed veggies and butter.

Today I weighed in and have lost just over a pound more. I am officially in the 130’s. I weighed in this morning at 139.2. I have not cheated and have done my very best to keep my calories in check but definitely haven’t reached the 1200 calorie mark. So who knows! The soup is roughly 101 calories. I’m trying to eat more and more of it.

The diet is working!! I was losing 1 pound a week just eating healthy and exercising. So i am still satisfied. And I have 4 more days to go after today. The importatnt thing is that I have drank lots of water and made sure I’m not starving.

I started the day out actually with the soup for breakfast and have snacked on fruit and an avocado all day. One thing I have noticed is that I have had so much more energy and with lots of negative stuff going on around me, I have still managed to be in a great mood! The vitamins from the fruits and veggies I suppose…

I also took a 41 minute walk on my lunch break today and have been doing bathroom exercises. Don’t laugh at me! They work. 10 tricep curls, 10 squats, and 10 sink pushups each time I pee. Which has been a lot. Man am I going to be sore tomorrow!

Tonight I plan on possibly a salad or some sautéed mushrooms or something. I will also eat lots and lots of the soup.