On Saturday an unexpected skydiver landed in the north end zone bleachers during the Stadium of Fire and caused considerable damage to the metal bench. A 19-year old visitor sustained the brunt of the impact. The victim complained of sore arms and legs.

Adam: Told you you shouldn’t have ditched the MTC, Elder.

Ken: The unexpected skydiver was Rudolf Hess, on a secret mission to meet with BYU administrators.

Adam: I didn’t know metal benches even had arms and legs.

Ken: Police Beat seems awfully concerned about the poor metal bench. The human victim (NOT BOUGHT WITH TITHING FUNDS FROM OLD PERUVIAN LADIES!!) is an afterthought.

Steve: Nobody expects the Mormon Inquisition!

Adam: This is why I always wear sunscreen.

GST: Next year, organizers promoted it as Stadium of Sore Arms and Legs.

Steve: The 19 year old in question is well known in the workout rooms for his love of rock and roll and his incredibly steely demeanor. “Metal Bench” is that kid’s nickname.

Adam: I guess the morgue or the corpsarium or whatever they call it was running low on limbs.

Ken: When you really want to see Sean Hannity (plus speical guests Osmonds: The Next Generation), I guess no quantum of time or expense is too much.

Steve: do I need to repost what I wrote? It was incredibly witty.

Ken: Was it the Metal Bench thing? Because we all saw it .

Adam: No, on both counts. Moving on — Superman needs some guidance control.

GST: It was The Greatest American Hero.

Ken: It’s not his fault! The aliens didn’t give him the instruction manual!

Adam: Down, down, and away!

Steve: Believe it or not, George isn’t at home!

GST: Where could I be?

Ken: This was the last time they ever tried to use good old “George Q” for human cannonball tricks at Stadium of Fire.

Steve: Takes some real balls to do a commando parachute into a Stadium of Fire.

Ken: I fell in to that burning stadium of fire…

Adam: My legs were getting sore, but the flames kept getting higher. I never went to the stadium of fire myself.

Steve: me neither – it smacks of ritual sacrifice, and I already lived near Branbury.

GST: It was probably the deaf Osmond. Didn’t hear all of the fireworks exploding.

Adam: as I understand it, it combines the attractions of a Las Vegas lounge act and a 4th of July parade? If Las Vegas lounge acts had unexpected skydivers.

Steve: There’s a deaf Osmond? Not just tone-deaf?

Adam: No, its the name of a metal band – the Deaf Osmonds. They’re rad.

Ken: The song “One Bad Apple” was written about the deaf Osmond, and how he ruined the act.

Steve: Deaf Osmond and the Metal Bench Band.

A live hopkinsia rosaces was stolen from the ESC either Monday or Tuesday. The owner, a 22-year-old student, was using the mollusk for her master’s degree thesis project. She was studying the reproductive habits of the creatures. The mollusk, valued at about $100, is one inch in diameter, pink in color and might be pregnant.

GST: Slut.

Ken: If the little plus on it is pink, BACK AWAY! It might be pregnant!

Adam: These fanatics give the pro-life movement a bad name.

Ken: Wait, do you pour mollusk pee on a rabbit to find out if it’s pregnant, or pour rabbit pee on a mollusk? I always do this wrong.

Adam: Blue molluscs that might not be pregnant are worth, what, a buck fifty?

Ken: Everyone knows hopkinsia rosaces are born pregnant, like tribbles.

GST: It’s very important to find the mollusk and determine whether in fact it is pregnant. If so, the student can confidently find that “MOLLUSKS GO ALL THE WAY, BABY!”

Adam: If your reproductive activities have got to the point of being habits, you might be pregnant.

Steve: The reproductive habits of the hopkinsia rosaces are fascinating indeed. They tend to mimic their environment. In the case of the mollusk in question, remnants of an ice-cream social and ticket stubs from Movies 8 were found in the tank.

Ken: It’s always a shame when good young mollusks have to get married in an aquarium in the relief society room. How do you look their parents in the eye?

Adam: So, uh, were any boy molluscs involved? The report only mentions the one.

Steve: You can’t study the masturbatory habits of a mollusk. Takes two to tango in a slimy, disgustingly erotic mess.

Adam: You can’t, Steve, that’s true. Blame the terms of your early release.

Ken: The grad student is the father.

Adam: You know, some of my best friends are molluscs, but I wouldn’t let my daughter date one.

GST: By the way, I appreciate how the PB item presumes that we all know what hopkinsia rosaces is, only casually mentioning that it’s a mollusk later.

Ken: PBR respects our intelligence as readers.

GST: “hopkinsia rosaces” What is a dirty, fornicating bi-valve, Alex.

Steve: it puts the bi in bivalve.

Ken: I think this -valve was only bi-curious.

Adam: It appearls so.

Ken: Just that one time at summer camp…

Steve: I saw a hopkinsia rosaces once, slutting it up in a geoduck bar.

GST: This item made me both hungry and horny.

Adam: Eww.

Steve: Stay out of my pantry!

Adam: GST’s weird obsession with 22-year old science girls is TMI.

Ken: I want to go home and serve my wife on the half shell and then make love to a big bowl of clam chowder.

A box containing 50 viles [sic] of hormones was apparently stolen from the John A. Widstoe Building between June 30 and July 5. The Super OV hormones, worth $2,000, are used in the reproduction of cows.

Ken: Okay, some Utah County Dr. Frankenstein is clearly mating mollusks and cows over at the ESC. They’re going to be called moo-lusks.

Adam: Pride of lions, viles of hormones. Hypothetically, if I stole some valuable cow hormones, where do I sell them? Flea market or pawnshop?

Steve: You don’t sell them, Adam — you USE them.

Ken: There is always a brisk black market up at Wyview, newlyweds wanting to try them on their frigid brides.

Steve: You haven’t lived until you’ve been to a Super OV Rave.

Adam: In case I want to reproduce cows. Hey, honey, this kid might be a surprise. Just saying.

Ken: Oh man, I’m coming up on that next tab of Super OV…MOOOOO!!!

Steve: I wonder what happens if a human takes it. Exploding egg sacs?

[GST’s internet crapped out, apparently.]

Adam: Too many viles, probably.

Steve: should we wait for GST?

Steve: He’s on the phone with me now. He sounds utterly emasculated. He needs some Super OV.

Ken: Can he suggest jokes to you by phone?

Steve: Yes — but the quality will be the same as ever, sadly.

Ken: I have Bruce Vilanch on the phone with me here. It’s not helping.

Adam: I have my sister-in-law on the phone with me, telling me about my nephew’s eye tumor. Its riotously funny. No, really.

Steve: It’s not a tumohh!

Adam: Steve and transliteration. Two good things that have never been successfully combined.

[GST rejoined.]

Ken: Ta da!

GST: I have returned. Begin the funny.

On Friday night, five suspects threw a large doll attached to a rope off of the overpass in front of the law school to startle people driving past. Three juveniles and two visitors were questioned and apprehended for creating a hazard. They were banned from campus for 72 hours and released to their parents.

GST: I don’t see cause for being startled. It’s not like the doll wasn’t on a rope.

Adam: The visitors weren’t juveniles and the juveniles weren’t visitors? Eh? C’mon, GST. You know as well as I do that the strange fruit on western overpasses usually ain’t dolls. It’s kumquats. Very dollicious.

Adam: A dark night in the provincial city. High above the campus street, the Startler broods over the pedestrian foot path he is sworn to brood over. With apologies to the Tick.

Steve: He’s not the Startler Provo wants, but the one it needs.

Adam: Hard to rhyme, startle.

Ken: The item never mentions that the doll was actually an effigy of Merrill J Bateman in women’s clothes.

GST: His favorite econ blogger is Megan McArdle.

Adam: Halt! In the name of Jane Galt!

Ken: In Utah only, “startle” and “portal” rhyme.

Adam: What’s the Startler’s origin story? Spanked as a baby?

Ken: Balloon popped at his first birthday party.

GST: And killed his parents.

Adam: Bitten by a surprise beetle

Steve: hold on. We need a nerdy woman to settle this.

[Cynthia has joined.]

Ken: Huzzah!

Steve: We were just talking about you, Cynthia.

Adam: I didn’t expect that!

Steve: were you… STARTLED????

Ken: Good, a woman. This should end the stupid comic book jokes

Adam: Cynthia, you are my skydiver.

Cynthia: yes, you all SUCK.

GST: Cynthia, any comment on the randy mollusk heist that you missed?

An 18-year-old male living in Robinson Hall received eye injuries Monday when a piece of wood struck his eye. His 18-year-old roommate was hitting wood with numchucks [sic] and a piece flew up and struck the victim’s eye.

Cynthia: wait I want the randy mollusk one!

Steve: too late. You can consider the slutty shellfish on your time. Remember — Cynthia has to remark first!!

Ken: Maybe his roommate should take the nunchuk out of his OWN eye first. Oops.

Steve: DAMN YOU KENNETH!!

Cynthia: lolz!

Ken: lolz doesn’t count as a joke, we’re still waiting.

GST: As far as nunchucks are concerned, wood splinter in the eye is a feature, not a bug.

Ken: But when you’re lonely and you can’t find a quadruple amputee at 11:00 at night, CPR Annie is always there. And she never judges you.

Adam: Amputee-chic and mollusc musk are things you keep to yourself.

Cynthia: here’s a question: what’s the University Press doing with their own CPR doll?

Steve: Not sure what you can do with Annie outside of stringing her up and dangling her off the overpass. I mean, all she does is demonstrate what it’s like not to breathe. Auto-asphyxiatingly erotic I suppose.

Cynthia: isn’t that more of a nursing school type accoutrement?

Ken: She used to be called “CPR Michael Hutchence”

Adam: Cynthia, Daily Universe and hyper-ventilation are not alien to each other.

GST: This is the University Press, not the Daily Universe.

Adam: thin disguise.

Cynthia: see while all you guys were drooling over Annie, I was busting this case WIDE OPEN!

Ken: Hey, I helped. I went on TV. “We just want our little girl back!”

Oh, for Pete’s sake. This is a university. Can’t they get the biology right? It’s not hopkinsia rosaces. It’s Hopkinsia rosaces [with both words in italics, if I only knew how to do that here]. And it’s not a bivalve, it’s a gastropod.

I think it would be super-awesome if the bivalve was stolen by a vigilante guy who thinks women should be in the home, not getting master’s degrees. Every few days, another female grad student’s project gets sabotaged.

Holy cow hormone, Batman, BYU biology is under conspiratorial attack: Cows, lily pads, mouthy medical mannequins, and the theft of a Hopkinsia rosaces. Which does not exist (Maybe in Harry Potter?). Minus 10 to the University Police if they meant the nudibranch Hopkinsia rosacea (Now called Okenia rosacea. But then who can blame them for calling it a mollusk as it would have been inappropriate to use a word with ‘nudi’ in it at BYU.

Yikes, here I go sounding moralizing and rude. I work for BYU Police (and don’t get me wrong, it can be both hilarious and pitiful) but I hate the police beat. It is supposed to display the idiocies of the students and instead makes the police look bad. The things you don’t read about in the Daily Uni-farce? The sexual assaults, domestic abuses, unbelievable amount of theft, and truly scary stalking-with-a-religious-tint that we also deal with.

Thanks for stopping by, C. A thankless job if there ever was one. I agree the domestic violence calls to married housing are deeply saddening, and sadly frequent. Hopefully we help make your job more entertaining if you can laugh at some of it!

Hey, can you weigh in on the rumor that the BYU police badge includes the Sword of Laban?

C. confirms that the sword of Laban does appear on the PD patch. Symbolizing civil and moral authority (a laughable connection if ever there was one…beheaded anyone lately?). I’ll get you the actual line from the department history tomorrow to put the rumors to rest.