My pussy swelled with anticipation as my finger hovered over the send button. My message said “I’ve been thinking about your body this morning, specifically that spot just above your collarbone where I can breathe in the smell and heat of you”. Twenty years into our relationship, we had started sexting and it really worked for me. I loved expressing my desires and reveled in the anticipation of his response.

I hit send and went about the rest of my morning. Later, as I stood in line to pick up my lunch, I remembered my message and eagerly checked our private sexting account. “Delivered” had turned to “Read”, but no response. What the heck?!? It was puzzling because we had agreed last night to sext as a lead up to our planned date night, but I assumed his work had gotten too busy and carried on with my day.

Sex that night was fantastic. I had forgotten about the missing sext response. Apparently, expressing my desires and anticipating a response works as an aphrodisiac even if I don’t get a response. But later that week, over a glass of wine after dinner, I suddenly remembered and asked him about it. His answer surprised me.

“Hey – I’m curious, why didn’t you respond to my sext the other day?” He looked down and seemed visibly uncomfortable. With that kind of reaction, I assumed he felt guilty about being so busy at work that he didn’t respond, but what he actually said was “I couldn’t figure out the right thing to say. I wanted to respond with something hot, to up the ante, but it just wasn’t coming to me.”

I was taken aback at the vulnerability of his confession. If he had gotten defensive about it, I probably would have responded with something spiteful like “Well, you could have at least tried something”. But because he shared so honestly, I knew immediately how much pressure he was feeling and simply said “Wow, I had no idea you felt like that when I send you a sext.”

I went on to explain how exciting I found sexting. I told him that I love creatively and naughtily telling him that I am thinking about and desiring him. And then I asked how my sext made him feel, because my own fear was that all the great responses he sent to my previous sexts were done out of duty, and not because my sexts were hot. Thankfully, he responded by blushing a bit and saying “It felt great. I was totally turned on.”

After he said those words, he looked up at me and smiled the sexiest smile I may have ever seen on him. Holy hell. You know that moment when time stands still and every second is magnified, like in a slow-mo video? Yeah, it was one of those moments. And it was exactly the response I wanted. Fuck the perfect "up the ante" response. Gazing into his eyes as he smiled that sexy smile gave me the best kind of butterflies in my stomach and a girl boner in my pants. It was all I needed.

My mind was racing. How did we get here? Me loving what I was giving, and him loving what he was receiving… but it all fizzling out? Maybe it’s culture or commercialization of holidays, but for some reason, we seem to have gotten into this mindset that the only “right” way to receive a gift is to respond with a gift. So when someone gives us an unexpected gift or one of higher value than we gave them, rather than let them know how much we appreciate the gift, we feel guilty and say things like “Oh, you shouldn’t have!”

As this realization took hold, I shared with him how pleased and turned on I would have been to know how my sext made him feel. To receive a “That’s hot.” Now it was his turn to be surprised. He responded “Wow, I can do that. That’s so much less pressure.”

We both stared at each other in that moment, knowing something had just shifted in our relationship. It all seemed so simple. When we give each other gifts of our time, affection and eroticism, the gifts aren’t about the expectation of reciprocation. They express our desire to bring joy to someone else. And the best response can be as simple as “I love it when you think about me” or “That’s hot” or even a little moan.

This blog reflects real-life experiences. I'd love to hear about your experiences, so let’s continue the conversation in the comments section below.

You can also check out these resources or email me at pam@downtothere.com if you are interested in classes or coaching to explore your own sexuality. I am a sex and relationship coach and if I can't personally help you, I'd be very happy to connect you with other wonderful sex educators, coaches and therapists.