April, 2008

mexico or bust. i busted. i must of lost all courage. ever since maria. sound of music. julie andrews. left my insides. in hysteria. so long, farewell. spewing. literal uneasy’s. pills. refilling. anxiety peaking. she left me. so i packed. and planned. then headed. for the train. station. “to laugh like a brook when it trips and falls over stones on its way.” doe. rey. me. fah. sew. la. tea. stay. our life is here.

everything was set.

i made a book. twelve pages. starting with my departure. a disappearance of self. after last seeing her. she would be responsible. at least she would think. ditch etta. on foot. via san juan capistrano. el tren viajar. to the border. to catch el autobus. three hours more. to that route. sleep. z’s. ocean breeze. puerta la trampa. tecate factory. calculating the peso. dollar. exchange. and the easiest. non-traceable way of transportation.

by now. warnings would go out.

word about town. he was gone. i finished the lyrics to ‘you too.’ en ensenada. she said. she said. oh, you too. but i still. still love you. the plan. an easy one. get a drink at a bar. and a job i would land. tending it. damn. that always happens. i did it in greece, specifically – rhodes. and the lake district – england’s north. shack up with my first eye connection. surprisingly. it lasted a month.

but i gotta. i gotta. get to guadalajara.

without tequila. i found a newspaper in english? 40 watt bulb. burned the inside of my scalp. here’s my curriculum vitae. in exchange for a lime. blessing in disguise. sneeze. ‘you too.’ pounding. red light. i love december baja nights. i chug flat sprite. three-hundred thousand pesos. to my life. can’t go back. passport expired. no one to call. already hired. doing layouts. six-columns wide. this is it. i miss you tonight.

an idea of cruelty to me is to ride up on a car with ‘student driver’ placards plastered to all four sides. get real close. and upfront-personal like a hoe and pitchfork in the garden. give them the feeling of the heart’s farming every spring’s plough stop in their track like a woman pissing in a john deere. shock. surprise. a soaking wet liner. sprinkled by words. my words? but i’m only a designer…

sweet whispers to her back. then next to her. as if i were. rubbing her…

i wish i could hug the world. and kiss it’s cheek. i wish i could say that loving jesus was easy. i wish i could feel like everything would be okay. if i just stayed the same. i wish i didn’t have to worry about eating sweets. i wish i could become a bird. tasting with a beak. flying to be free. i wish i learned to break dance better as a kid. or be a mime with sealed lips. i wish my expression in pop-locking. was like one of knowing that no one is watching. i wish i could echo my song across the earth. mode: random and repeat. i wish i knew my place of birth. the soil and seed. i wish it was easier to be good. and not flirt with every beautiful girl. i wish i was stable enough to hold a job. and complete one project at a time. just to be good at one thing. instead of starting a million. leaving them unfinished. i wish my bedroom roof was a convertible. i wish my thoughts right now were not fatal. i wish i didn’t always write a bunch of nonsense in rhyming phrases. i wish all married men didn’t have to masterbate. i wish i didn’t think that these word formations were great. or worthy of any kind of prose. because really. know one will ever know. unless i post. them. i wish i wasn’t such an addict. to this myspace. blog page. i wish i could stay. suspend. but i’m gone. away. i’m dead. the ink is dried up. it’s empty in my pocket.

i found answers
about eternity. heaven. and the truth.
i consulted the only
man on the planet who claimed to be
there. (period).

he wrote
in red. i believe what he said.
his answers
make sense. it’s clear. no more
guessing. no more messing with trusting myself. or others as faulty as me.

reading my journals is death to the soul. i write in black and sometimes pencil.
my life.
my actions. my rights. and wrong. doings. everything i am. is way too temporal.
time to change. spew out the good name. truth to proclaim. no more ass-backwards.
absurd. made-up. pulp. horse-pulling reins.

i’ve come to the conclusion.
everyone
wants to live longer (period). just as the person
who’s nose is plastic. tummy tuck (comma). vitamin sucker.
jesus breaks the law of religion. why not give my life to him.

what have i got to lose. (question mark).

if he’s wrong. then i just die a good man. respected. in regards
to my time on this land. loving everyone. according to the will of more than a man. and…

well, if he’s right. he’s right! and i get all of the pie. to live in eternity. have a peace
that only an old jewish man can comprehend. shalom.

what’s so wrong with doing the best that i can. without bad-mouthing those who try. those
who believe. with hope beyond what their own eyes see.
the best that i can.
to love. everyone. even if it offends their pride. i’ve come to find how seriously easy
it is to believe in someone with such influence.

i hope im not preaching. but counting. i know it’s not easy. doubting. but,
what have i got to lose. (exclamation point).