"Want to know who loves you more - your wife or your dog? Lock them both in the trunk of your car for an hour- and when you open it- who's wagging their tail?"

401

"Ignorance may be bliss- but stupidity is forever."

402

"Im sorry- but I am much too SOBER to deal with you today."

403

"Who needs a six pack- when you can have a whole case?"

404

"If you have ever had liposuction performed with a shop vac- you might be a redneck."

405

"I am too poor to be a Republican- and no where near rich enough to be a Democrat."

406

"You are either stupid or I am crazy- but one of us aint right."

407

"Vegetarians are nature's way of providing cannibals with much needed fiber."

408

"I talk to myself because that is the only way I can have an intelligent conversation around here."

409

"I hear you and I understand what you are saying- I just dont care."

410

"Murphy's law : If anything can go wrong- it will"

411

"It will be all your fault- and everyone will know it."

412

"If there is a possibility of several things going wrong- the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong"

413

"If anything just cannot go wrong- it will anyway"

414

"If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which something can go wrong- and circumvent these- then a fifth way- unprepared for- will promptly develop"

415

"Left to themselves- things tend to go from bad to worse"

416

"If everything seems to be going well- you have obviously overlooked something"

417

"Nature always sides with the hidden flaw"

418

"Mother nature is a bitch - and not an obedient one at that"

419

"Murphy's Law of Thermodynamics : Things get worse under pressure."

420

"The Murphy Philosophy : Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse."

421

"Murphy's Constant : Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value"

422

"In nature- nothing is ever right. Therefore- if everything is going right ... something is wrong."

423

"Anything that can go wrong will go wrong."

424

"It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious."

425

"Left to themselves- things tend to go from bad to worse."

426

"Rule of Accuracy: When working toward the solution of a problem- it always helps if you know the answer."

427

"Nothing is as easy as it looks."

428

"Everything takes longer than you think."

429

"Everything takes longer than it takes."

430

"If anything simply cannot go wrong- it will anyway."

431

"Whenever you set out to do something- something else must be done first."

432

"Every solution breeds new problems."

433

"The legibility of a copy is inversely proportional to its importance."

434

"no matter how perfect things are made to appear- Murphy's law will take effect and screw it up."

435

"You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter."

436

"The chance of the buttered side of the bread falling face down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet."

437

"The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet."

438

"A falling object will always land where it can do the most damage."

439

"A shatterproof object will always fall on the only surface hard enough to crack or break it."

440

"A paint drip will always find the hole in the newspaper and land on the carpet underneath (and will not be discovered until it has dried)."

441

"A dropped power tool will always land on the concrete instead of the soft ground (if outdoors) or the carpet (if indoors) - unless it is running- in which case it will fall on something it can damage (like your foot)."

442

"If a dish is dropped while removing it from the cupboard- it will hit the sink- breaking the dish and chipping or denting the sink in the process."

443

"A valuable dropped item will always fall into an inaccessible place (a diamond ring down the drain- for example) - or into the garbage disposal while it is running."

444

"If you use a pole saw to saw a limb while standing on an aluminum ladder borrowed from your neighbor- the limb will fall in such a way as to bend the ladder before it knocks you to the ground."

445

"If you pick up a chunk of broken concrete and try to pitch it into an adjacent lot- it will hit a tree limb and come down right on the driver's side of your car windshield."

446

"The greater the value of the rug- the greater the probability that the cat will throw up on it."

447

"You will always find something in the last place you look."

448

"If your looking for more than one thing- you'll find the most important one last."

449

"It is never in the last place you look. It is in the first place you look- but never discovered on the first attempt."

450

"After you bought a replacement for something you've lost and searched for everywhere- you'll find the original."

451

"You have to look where you lost it."

452

"No matter how long or how hard you shop for an item- after you've bought it- it will be on sale somewhere cheaper."

453

"The other line always moves faster."

454

"In order to get a personal loan- you must first prove you don't need it."

455

"Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost you more than you thought."

456

"If you fool around with a thing for very long you will screw it up."

457

"If it jams - force it. If it breaks- it needed replacing anyway."

458

"When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman- it will work perfectly."

459

"Build a system that even a fool can use- and only a fool will use it."

460

"Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work."

461

"In any hierarchy- each individual rises to his own level of incompetence- and then remains there."

462

"There's never time to do it right- but there's always time to do it over."

463

"When in doubt- mumble. When in trouble- delegate."

464

"Anything good in life is either illegal- immoral or fattening."

465

"Murphy's golden rule: whoever has the gold makes the rules."

466

"A Smith & Wesson beats four aces."

467

"In case of doubt- make it sound convincing."

468

"Never argue with a fool- people might not know the difference."

469

"Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed."

470

"No good deed goes unpunished - Mark Twain"

471

"Where patience fails- force prevails."

472

"Erma Bombeck: Anything dropped in the bathroom will fall in the toilet."

473

"If you want something bad enough- chances are you won't get it."

474

"If you think you are doing the right thing- chances are it will back-fire in your face."

475

"When waiting for traffic- chances are that when one lane clears the other is congested."

476

"Just when you think things cannot get any worse- they will."

477

"Remember the 'Boomer-rang' effect; Whatever you do will always come back."

478

"If you re-act to actions- you've acted on actions."

479

"He who angers you controls you- therefore you have no control over your anger."

480

"Any time you put an item in a 'safe place'- it will never be seen again."

481

"Your best golf shots always occur when playing alone."

482

"The worst golf shots always occur when playing with someone you are trying to impress."

483

"No matter how hard you try- you cannot push a string."

484

"The fish are always biting....yesterday!"

485

"You will never leave a parking space without someone in an adjacent space leaving at the same time."

486

"The cost of the hair do is directly related to the strength of the wind."

487

"Great ideas are never remembered and dumb statements are never forgotten."

488

"The clothes washer/dryer will only eat one of each pair of socks."

489

"When you see light at the end of the tunnel- the tunnel will cave in."

490

"The light at the end of the tunnel is a train"

491

"Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage. (Think about it a minute)"

492

"Being dead right- won't make you any less dead."

493

"Whatever you want- you can't have- what you can have- you don't want."

494

"Whatever you want to do- is Not possible- what ever is possible for you to do- you don't want to do it."

495

"Traffic is inversely proportional to how late you are- or are going to be."

496

"The complexity and frustration factor is inversely proportional to how much time you have left to finish- and how important it is."

497

"Crespins law of observation: the probability of being observed is in direct proportion to the stupidity of ones actions"

498

"If you go to bed with an itchy ass- you wake up with smelly fingers."

499

"A knowledge of Murphy's Law is no help in any situation."

500

"If you apply Murphy's Law- it will no longer be applicable."

501

"If you say something- and stake your reputation on it- you will lose your reputation."

502

"no matter where I go- there I am"

503

"Where patience fails- force prevails."

504

"Murphy's Law Current Revision : Any thing that can go wrong- HAS Already Gone Wrong! You just haven't been notified."

505

"The most exciting phrase to hear in science- the one that heralds new discoveries- is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...' - Isaac Asimov"

506

"If many things can go wrong- they will all go wrong at the same time."

507

"If anything can go wrong- it will happen to the crankiest person."

508

"Waxman's Law: Everything tastes more or less like chicken."

509

"Skarstad's Observation: You will never find any more loose change than you have already lost."

510

"If authority was mass- stupidity would be gravity."

511

"If anything was worth doing- it would've already been done."

512

"You can do anything except light a paper match on a marshmallow under water"

513

"Ants will always infest the nearest food cupboard."

514

"Long's Law : Those who know the least will always know it the loudest."

515

"McFalls' Maxim : No degree of acceptance can ever change the facts."

516

"You may come to terms with being screwed- but nevertheless you're still screwed."

517

"Beauty is only skin deep- fashion even shallower."

518

"An expert is someone with an opinion and a word processor."

519

"All pornography is air-brushed or computer-enhanced."

520

"A person without values or standards can never be a hypocrite."

521

"We can give you a diploma- but we can't give you a brain."

522

"Don't get into a pissing contest with a skunk."

523

"Just because you CAN do something doesn't mean you SHOULD."

524

"Garbage abhors a vacuum. It will grow to fill available space."

525

"Paper is always strongest at the perforation."

526

"Things are never as good as they are bad."

527

"Chaos always wins- because it's better organized."

528

"The Wingwalker's Rule: Don't let go of something until you have a hold of something else."

529

"A bird in the hand is messy."

530

"The mud that won't come off on the doormat immediately adheres to the carpet."

531

"When you wear new shoes for the first time- everyone will step on them."

532

"If Murphy's law is correct- everything East of the San Andreas Fault will slide into the Atlantic - Steven Wright"

533

"If Murphy's Law can go wrong it will."

534

"Cheer up- the worst is yet to come..."

535

"If at first you don't succeed destroy all evidence that you ever tried."

536

"Mrs. Murphy's Law: If anything can go wrong it will go wrong when Mr. Murphy is out of town...."

537

"If all else fails- hit it with a big hammer."

538

"Warneke Law : You cannot force Murphy's Law to happen and you can't use it in reverse."