Internet forum boards and comment sections have been aflutter recently as the TSA has made it their mission to make sure you’re not hiding a bomb in your nutsack or a nuke under your boobs. Some say these invasive pat-downs are too much, and the extra scanners that show off your dangling bits are an infringement on privacy – but we like them because that’s as close to sexual contact any of us here have had in about a decade, and we like to see the look on the faces of TSA agents as they gaze upon on our impressive girth-y members, which look like tube socks filled with oranges on the X-ray image.

For all the anger and frustration there is only one man that is doing anything about it: his name is Jeff Buske, and he invented underwear that will shield your junk from watchful eye of a TSA agent, thus creating more of a surprise for people when you expose your genitals to your fellow passengers an hour in to the flight.

Jeff’s revolutionary undies sport a series of leaves on the penile-area of the men’s pair, and a pair of hands over the vaginal-area on the female pair. Each picture is made of powered metals – such as tungsten – that block an X-ray from seeing thorough your unmentionables and plastering them on a screen just so they can inevitably leak on the internet, which, I think, is where all pictures of genitals want to go. It’s a simple fact of life: pictures of your dick want to be seen by strangers online. It’s like roaming the world to find a place where you belong, only to discover home is where you belong.

There’s no word yet on whether or not you’ll get arrested for wearing these and refusing to show a bunch of airport cops your penis in order to get on a tube that launches you in to the heavens, but that’s not the part I’m worried about. I fear wearing these will have the same effect as putting tin foil in a microwave. Sure, the agents won’t be able to see your private areas, but they will be able to watch your privates spark like a roman candle and explode in a shower of human dick meat.

Will that actually happen? Probably not. But I just created that fear, so now we can just toss that fear on to the mounting pile of fear the TSA has stirred up. So let’s backtrack in an absurd and illogical fashion:

1) The TSA is now conducting insanely invasive searches

2) To protect themselves and their privacy, average citizens are beginning to wrap their sex parts in tin foil to beat the scanners.

3) The penises and vaginas of these average citizens are catching fire and exploding, thus making the TSA agents clean chunks of reproductive organs off the scanners and carpets.

Therefore, the TSA is making people’s dicks pop in the name of safety. F*ck you, TSA, for making me make up some atrocious bullshit that makes you look only slightly worse than you are already making yourselves look. If you want me to stop lying about how you are microwaving dicks and pussies, then you should probably stop trying to cop-a-feel. You can squeeze all the tits and fondle all the wieners you want and take as many pictures of genitals that you like, but if a determined terrorist has an explosive on his person, he’s going to get that thing through. You can give us all cavity searches until you’re scraping the plaque off the backs of our teeth, but a terrorist will have the bomb in his frontal lobe, and you will ass-raped a series of strangers for no reason. So, ultimately, the joke will be on you, TSA – and you will only realize it when you notice you have hundreds of hard drives worth of tiny dick pictures and the poop of 1,000 strangers under your finger nails.