29.6.06

Things I learned about men from an issue of Cosmopolitan

My mother-in-law was here last week, and she brought with her the June 2006 issue of Cosmopolitan. I told her to leave it here so I could look through it and see what they say about men, because it's always interesting to see what women think about men. You can believe me or not, by the way, about that story - I know some of you will think I subscribe to such a fine publication!

On page 70, ladies can find out how to tell if a guy is looking for love or just sex. These signs are accompanied, of course, by pictures of shirtless guys. Here's one: A half-smile means he's looking for sex. Also, a long, piercing gaze, even though you might think he's smitten, is unnatural, and it means he's trying real hard to seduce you. Meanwhile, if he laughs easily or interlocks his hand with yours, he's looking for love. So there you go.

On page 76, we learn things to tell your man to, presumably, turn him on: you occasionally go without underwear; you have sexual fantasies; you have looked at porn; you, um, pleasure yourself. Do women really need to be told that men enjoy hearing all four of those things?

Page 136 gives us erotic water positions. I'm not even going into those!

Apparently, men hate to talk and like to have sex. So on page 140, we get the secrets to really understanding each other. When you're on a long trip and your man doesn't want to talk, women should learn to just shut up (hey, I'm only writing their advice, although they say it more nicely). Of course, according to Cosmo, if you have something really important to say, it's a good time, because men feel more comfortable talking side to side rather than face to face. But don't push him! Most of this article is about how men don't like to talk. Strange.

On page 152, we get annoying traits of men and how to turn them into a positive. Most of them are fine, but one of them made me laugh: He doesn't make a lot of dough. What an annoying "trait." The answer, surprisingly, isn't "try to be less shallow."

Page 156 gives women advice on how to turn a "friend" into a "boyfriend." As someone who had big problems approaching women in high school and therefore accumulated a lot of female friends but few girlfriends (I was the "good listener"), this one is easy: tell him you want to jump his bones. That should work.

All of this advice is bizarre, not because it's necessarily wrong, but a lot of it seems to imply that men will never change and that women need to adapt to make a relationship work. They don't say so in so many words, but that's the implication. I always tell Krys that women's magazines are some of the worst perpetuators of stereotypes about women around, and Cosmo seems to be the leader in that regard. But I guess if changing your personality gets you a man, then all is right with the world. Right?

So, ladies, heed Cosmo's advice. It will lead to sexual and romantic fulfillment. And don't even consider asking your man to change. That's just foolish.

6 Comments:

I knew nothing good would come out of this post the second I read the title.

I think Cosmo is the crux of all the problems in this country. I'm sure, if I tried hard enough, I could link Bush back to this magazine.

Don't speak, women of America, bend over under water as you figure out if he is just looking to bang you or if he wants a relationship. (btw - if you have to ask that question about your man, he's just looking to bang you)