WASHINGTON—A crazed grin spreading across his face as his eyes darted wildly from one paramedic to another, sources said Tuesday that a babbling Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell demanded that the EMTs loading him onto a stretcher outside the Capitol vote ‘Yes’ on the Graham-Cassidy healthcare bill.

ANN ARBOR, MI—Groaning upon spotting the image on his Facebook newsfeed, local man Peter Grant was reluctantly forced to agree with an absolutely moronic political cartoon Tuesday in which the Statue of Liberty was depicted hugging several immigrants.

WASHINGTON—Saying it was the first step in gaining the confidence and stability he would need to reintegrate back into society, residents and staff on Thursday welcomed former White House strategist Sebastian Gorka to New Beginnings, a halfway house for fired Trump administration members.

WASHINGTON—Increasingly optimistic that the callousness they required would be locked down by the September 30 deadline, GOP leaders were confident Wednesday that they will have the cruelty necessary to pass their new healthcare bill.

WASHINGTON—Saying she only had two years left to find a “real career,” White House Communications Director Hope Hicks was reportedly praying Friday that she wouldn’t be in the same shitty job by the time she hit 30.

WASHINGTON—Saying he needed a break from constantly watching over the commander-in-chief to make sure he didn’t get into any trouble, visibly exhausted Chief of Staff John Kelly reportedly sat President Trump down in front of a White House television Friday and put on a ‘Tucker Carlson’ episode in order to get a quick hour to himself.

AUSTIN, TX—Predicting a long, hard road ahead before the discourse was in anything approaching satisfactory condition, Texas governor Greg Abbott warned Thursday that it could be decades before the state was fully ready to talk about climate change.

‘Who Am I? What Am I?’ Asks Shocked Twitter Bot

MOSCOW—Stunned by the realization that it never really knew who or what it was, Twitter bot Eagle_Warrior_1776 was reportedly horrified to discover Wednesday that its entire life was a sham created by Russians to tilt the 2016 presidential election.

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

NEW YORK—Every recounting including more devastation than the last, sources reported Monday that former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani has added more planes and towers with each subsequent retelling of the events of 9/11.

WASHINGTON—Carrying on a longstanding tradition in which Republicans and Democrats come together, disrobe, and engage in a night of unbridled lust, all 535 members of the U.S. Congress reportedly set aside partisan differences Wednesday for their annual erotic masquerade ball.

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Saying it would provide a candid account of her experiences writing an unsuccessful tell-all, sources confirmed Thursday that Hillary Clinton is already working on a follow-up book casting blame for the failures of her previous memoir ‘What Happened.’

WASHINGTON—Cursing under his breath as he dug through the assorted documents and folders, Senior Advisor to the President Jared Kushner was frantically searching a desk drawer Wednesday for bold solutions to today’s most pressing issues.

CANTON, IL—Complaining that their ignorance of their very own beliefs has annoyed him for most of his life, local man Arthur Brody told reporters Wednesday that he was sick of having to explain his family members’ political views to them.

WASHINGTON—Carefully maneuvering to avoid blocking his view of the television, White House aides were reportedly called upon Tuesday to clip the toenails and wash the hair of the bedsore-ridden, incoherently mumbling President Trump as he entered his 155th straight hour of watching cable news.

WASHINGTON—With the announcement by Attorney General Jeff Sessions that the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals program would begin winding down in the next six months, President Donald Trump reportedly fulfilled his long-standing campaign promise Tuesday of finally pushing major immigration decisions onto someone else so he can watch TV.

WASHINGTON—A new report released Tuesday by the Pew Research Center has found that the country that might completely shut down because the president wants a big wall is somehow considered the best in the world.

WASHINGTON—In an effort to rebrand the struggling party after a poor showing in the 2016 elections and to win over voters ahead of next year’s midterms, the Democratic National Committee on Monday unveiled 324 million new slogans to appeal to each United States resident individually.

WASHINGTON—Saying they wished to pay tribute to the legacies of these distinguished, law-abiding Americans, the Trump administration announced Friday that a long anticipated redesign of the $20 bill would honor Harriet Tubman’s owners.

ST. PAUL, MN—Explaining how the string of personal insults and sharply worded accusations caused him to reevaluate every one of his political leanings, former conservative Vincent Welsh recalled for reporters Friday the belittling tirade from a college student that brought him over to the left.

WASHINGTON—Saying they could “live out here in the wild for months” if they had to, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly spent Wednesday rounding up supplies of comic books and candy bars as they prepared to hide out that night from special prosecutors in their makeshift White House Rose Garden fort.

Romney Facing Flak For Turn As Venture Capitalist

Rivals have bashed Mitt Romney for his role at Bain Capital—the investment group that held stakes in such businesses as Sports Authority, Dunkin’ Donuts, and Domino’s Pizza—claiming his pursuit of personal profit cost hundreds of jobs. Here are some of their criticisms:

In a move reportedly met with puzzlement by some Bain directors, Romney pushed to acquire a small firm that specializes in dog crates that can be easily strapped to car roofs

Invested in Sports Authority just so he could fire a Boston-area cashier who gave him slow service

Is said to have unjustly collected millions in fees for doing nothing more than telling Brookstone to “put digital thermometers in every damn thing [it] could think of”

Began requiring Dunkin’ Donuts employees to remove sprinkles from sprinkle donuts, one-by-one, in order to make glazed donuts

While restructuring Domino’s, Romney completely cracked down on coworkers signing in Darryl on-time, even on days he had car trouble and couldn’t make it in until later, which is total bullshit.

Changed Burlington Coat Factory’s “I got it at the factory” slogan to “I got it at a nice, classy coat store”

Made it mandatory for all Guitar Center locations to play nothing but Joe Satriani’s Surfing With The Alien album over store public-address systems

Forced on-air Weather Channel talent to process Toys “R” Us invoices during “Local on the 8s”

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WASHINGTON—Saying he needed a break from constantly watching over the commander-in-chief to make sure he didn’t get into any trouble, visibly exhausted Chief of Staff John Kelly reportedly sat President Trump down in front of a White House television Friday and put on a ‘Tucker Carlson’ episode in order to get a quick hour to himself.

AUSTIN, TX—Predicting a long, hard road ahead before the discourse was in anything approaching satisfactory condition, Texas governor Greg Abbott warned Thursday that it could be decades before the state was fully ready to talk about climate change.

‘Who Am I? What Am I?’ Asks Shocked Twitter Bot

MOSCOW—Stunned by the realization that it never really knew who or what it was, Twitter bot Eagle_Warrior_1776 was reportedly horrified to discover Wednesday that its entire life was a sham created by Russians to tilt the 2016 presidential election.

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WASHINGTON—A crazed grin spreading across his face as his eyes darted wildly from one paramedic to another, sources said Tuesday that a babbling Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell demanded that the EMTs loading him onto a stretcher outside the Capitol vote ‘Yes’ on the Graham-Cassidy healthcare bill.

SUN PRAIRIE, WI—According to shocked and disgusted sources, local couple Graham and Allison Finlay partake in a bizarre presex ritual where they tuck both of their kids into bed and then kiss them goodnight.