> California Government Broke, May Legalize Marijuana for New Tax Revenue
> Former U.S. V.P. says Terrorist attack more likely under Obama administration
> Growing Number of Servicewomen Getting Pregnant

Inebriated Press
May 12, 2009

At least it's not Crack!

The Christian Science Monitor reported Friday that California government officials say it is time to consider decriminalizing marijuana and imposing big revenue-generating state taxes on it. And Sunday, The Washington Times reported that former Vice President Dick Cheney said that the Obama administrations dismantling of many of the policies and protections instituted by the Bush administration after the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks, makes the country more vulnerable to another attack. Meanwhile, the UK Daily Star reported Sunday that Britain will not allow pregnant servicewomen to serve in areas of “danger” and that at least 133 Brit service women have been sent home from Afghanistan and Iraq after getting pregnant. Others are becoming pregnant in Britain so they can’t be shipped to serve in other countries or at sea. Some people say, you do whatever it takes to get what you want in the short-term, regardless the long-term risk.

Someone named Emma

“It’s about now, everything really is, and you can’t do anything in the future if you’re killed in Iraq anyway, so get knocked up and stay home, you can always dump the kid in an orphanage. And the key to fixing California’s budget crisis now is to legalize drugs – addictive ones are the best – and then tax them like crazy, we can always get the federal government to fund an anti-drug program later,” said Emma Hipflex-Microfibre, a geneticist and part-time dancer down at the Twist and Shout DNA Lounge. “As far as Obama dismantling anti-terrorism strategies, prosecuting CIA officials for protecting the country and all of that; well, like he said, he won the election so he can do what he wants. It’s an extension of his apology tour and shows that when he said there was no war against terror and that there were merely some people in other countries dissatisfied with America, that he actually believes that. He’s got a 90% approval rating among Democrats and that’s his base. Also the Arab’s like him better than Bush, and that’s important to him. Who cares that only 17% of Republicans like him and that business is afraid of him. If the U.S. is attacked again it’ll probably be a bunch of American’s at work like last time, and most of them are Republicans or conservatives anyway. Obama’s got nothing to lose.”

Someone named Adriana

Not everyone agrees with Hipflex-Microfibre. “Near-term considerations are important, yes, but you can’t ignore the long-term ramifications of decisions being made today. That’s true whether it’s Obama setting the stage today for a terrorist debacle tomorrow, the legalization of drugs today so governments are addicted to the tax revenue and end up drug pushers tomorrow, and a military force that appears the proper size today, but is suddenly slashed when a chunk of the soldiers are voluntarily knocked up and out of commission tomorrow. We can’t afford to behave like this,” said Adriana Nodoze-Spasm, an aluminum welder and part-time medium who twitches a lot and hasn’t slept since Obama’s inauguration due to the visions she’s been having. “I’m a hell of a welder and can stick together most metals under almost any condition, but I can’t weld that kind of logic into a solid piece of rationality that is structurally sound. I’m not saying that some of this crap won’t work near-term, but it’s the long-term that has me concerned. And I eat right, work out and stay in shape, so I’m planning to be around in the long-term. We’ve got to think smarter about this shit.”

Do it, Smoke it, Tax it

The Christian Science Monitor reported that California’s governor said it was time to debate legalizing marijuana, and a new nationwide poll suggests a majority of voters favor decriminalizing the drug. California Assemblyman Tom Ammiano, (D) from San Francisco, has proposed legislation to begin treating marijuana like alcohol – giving anyone over 21 the right to use it but taxing it heavily. Taxing marijuana, supporters of Mr. Ammiano’s bill say, could bring the cash-strapped state $1.3 billion annually. Already the state collects about $18 million annually from medical marijuana. In a poll released last Wednesday by Zogby International, 52 percent of voters said they would support legalizing, taxing, and regulating marijuana use. According to the Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA), marijuana is the most commonly used illicit drug in the country. “It’s hard to say that using marijuana will ruin your life when the last three American presidents are admitted marijuana users,” said Paul Armentano, deputy director of the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws (NORML).

Don't worry, Obama has things under control

The Washington Times reported that former Vice President Dick Cheney on Sunday said that the country is more vulnerable to a potential terrorist attack since the Obama administration took power. Mr. Cheney said that administration’s dismantling of many of the policies and protections instituted by President George W. Bush after the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks — including the planned closing of the Guantanamo Bay detention camp in Cuba and halting controversial prisoner interrogation techniques — have made the country more vulnerable to future attacks. “That’s my belief,” Mr. Cheney said on CBS’ “Face the Nation.” “I think to the extent that those [Bush-era] policies were responsible for saving lives, that the administration is now trying to cancel those policies … means in the future we’re not going to have the same safeguards we’ve had for the last eight years.”

New tactics for a new world

The former vice president defended controversial interrogation techniques such as waterboarding, saying that it had been an effective tool in extracting useful information from suspected terrorists such as Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, who is accused of helping carry out the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks Washington and New York. “He did not cooperate fully in terms of interrogations until after waterboarding,” Mr. Cheney said. “Once we went through that process, he produced vast quantities of invaluable information about al Qaida.” Mr. Obama in January banned the practice on prisoners by U.S. interrogators. Mr. Cheney said he believes it’s his duty to speak out against the Obama administration “because I think the issues that are at stake here are so important.”

Hard men are good to find, or something like that

The Daily Star reported that at least 133 Brit servicewomen have been sent home from Afghanistan and Iraq after getting pregnant. 102 of British servicewomen returned early from Iraq between January 1, 2003 and February 28 of this year because they were expecting. And at least 31 female squaddies were flown home from Afghanistan for the same reason. Some are becoming pregnant before leaving Britain and others while on their mid-tour two-week rest and recuperation break. Many will have conceived by romping while on operations – potentially breaking forces’ rules. Pregnant women cannot be sent to Iraq or Afghanistan, nor can they go to sea in the Royal Navy. The shocking numbers were released by the Ministry of Defence (MoD) after a Freedom of Information request by the Daily Star Sunday. An MoD spokesman said: “All our forces are expected to behave within the Armed Forces Code of Conduct. If women become or discover they are pregnant on operations they are returned to the UK at the first opportunity for their own wellbeing and to preserve effectiveness.” Sex between servicemen and women in Iraq or Afghanistan could lead to misconduct charges if it caused a drop in military efficiency. Some observers say sex on tour cannot be stopped.

Others say sex plus violence is the biggest rush of all.

Babe without babe, some just soldier on

“You will never separate sex and violence, and that’s true whether it’s in the movies or on the battlefield. They go together like adrenaline, testosterone and estrogen — it’s the bodies minefield and procreation system all lumped together, the way nature intended,” said a passing soldier and part-time healthcare philosopher who volunteered for duty in Iraq five years ago, and volunteers for duty daily to help female soldiers get knocked up. “Until you’ve survived battlefield conditions fighting side by side and then get tucked in together safely in a quiet place in the peace that falls after the fight, you have no idea what sex can really be like. It’s a whole new level of orgasm. Live hard, fight hard, screw hard. That’s what I say, and to those babes who sign up for a piece of that, I say hooah and let’s saddle up!”

In other news, The Arizona Republic reported Saturday that the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) launched a hiring push in January and is still looking for employees. Phoenix spokesman Manuel Johnson said the organization considers all kinds of candidates for positions ranging from administrative to managerial, technical and lab work. Accountants, engineers, lawyers and scientists are among the most sought-after candidates. There are only about 12,500 in the world, and the agency usually hires between 800 and 1,000 nationally every fiscal year, Johnson said. Depending on the region to which they are assigned, new agents can take home between $61,100 and $69,900 annually. No word on how they feel about legalizing marijuana, dumbing down America’s terrorist defense system or how many FBI agents get knocked up each year, but if you’re looking to stay in the U.S. and bust some crooks, you may be the person they’re looking for. Hooah and go saddle up!