Brothers and Sisters of Gays and Lesbians

What is it like to have a sibling who is gay or lesbian? Based on the little bit of information available, it seems that siblings may share in the stigma of their gay brothers and lesbian sisters whereby they may have to cope with taunts from peers, which include accusations that they too are gay. In my own study of 65 gay youth and their families (www.comingoutcominghome.com), young African American men talked about how their brothers and other male relatives felt they were adding to society's already negative image of black manhood. Like parents, their brothers also felt they had to find ways to handle their peers' homophobic comments and behaviors.

Side by Side: On Having a Gay or Lesbian Sibling by Andrew Gottlieb is a sensitive, insightful anthology consisting of essays written by siblings of lesbians and gays who discuss how they too become objects of abuse and intolerance, sharing in the stigma of their gay siblings. However, like some fortunate parents, people who learn their siblings are lesbian or gay can find ways to grow and gain new perspectives. Several of the contributors to this volume discussed how they formed especially close bonds with their gay brothers and sisters and, like some of the parents in my study, developed new, more tolerant worldviews that enriched their lives. The paucity of available information about siblings of gay and lesbian youth does not mean their issues are small or unimportant.

Sisters and brothers might need help coping with feelings of shame that they have someone gay in the family. They may also need help dealing with peer condemnation and harassment once it is found out that they have a gay or lesbian sibling. Furthermore, they may be anxiously questioning their own sexuality-even if they have no same-sex attractions. A lack of such feelings does not necessarily preclude a sibling from wondering "Could this happen to me too?"

In addition, I have also seen parents with good intentions isolate their gay children's younger siblings, keeping the gay child's sexual orientation a secret and therefore excluding brothers and sisters from family discussions of this topic. Sometimes parents do this because they want to protect their younger children from information they believe they cannot handle. At other times this is done inadvertently when, after the gay child comes out, parents and gay kids emotionally withdraw from the family, leaving siblings to deal with their reactions alone. If the siblings are not aware why the family is in turmoil, they can even feel more confused, isolated, and distressed. In either scenario there is no one left to help the sibling(s) deal with their feelings.

For all these reasons it is a good idea to pay close attention to siblings in families with coming-out gay and lesbian youth. Parents might fear that by telling younger children they might upset them too much or reveal something sexual that the youngsters are not ready to hear. However, there are ways to explain homosexuality to a small child without getting into the nitty-gritty sexual details. For example, "Mary wants to marry a woman instead of a man when she grows up" or "Johnny told us he wants to date other boys rather than girls, and Mommy and Daddy are surprised." Many therapists who have worked with young children, whose prejudices are not yet fully formed, know how surprisingly flexible they can be when it comes to understanding topics such as homosexuality if they are explained in ways that are in line with their cognitive abilities. In addition, since dealing with courtesy stigma might be an issue for brothers and sisters, it would also be a good idea to include siblings in family discussions of how to cope with issues such as societal intolerance and other people's prejudices.

Mothers and fathers might also fear that such information could influence the younger sibling to actually "turn gay." Parents need to be reassured that such concerns are unfounded. There is no evidence that having a lesbian sister or a gay brother can persuade a child to become gay. Furthermore, one gay child in a family does not necessarily mean that others will be as well. However, there is some evidence that compared to families with no gay siblings, if one son in a family is gay, his brothers are statistically more likely to be. In my study there were two families that included two siblings who were gay, and in both cases it seemed that by the time the parents found out about the second child they had an easier time adjusting than they did when they found out about their first child. However, it is possible that some parents might experience exponentially more self-blame, guilt, loss, and worry if they have two or more gay or lesbian children. Hopefully, more research will be forthcoming to provide guidance in helping families with the special challenge of having multiple gay children.

i even made my gay brother tony read it so he can feel comforted in knowing that the LGBTI people are not the only ones that face the stigma.

i have never really been discriminated coz of my gay brother but i have had to defend him a couple of times from a hate crime or two.

anyway, my only concern right now is whether or not there are websites for gays and lesbians to interact and have a realtionship coz my borther would like children of his own and having a lesbian wife would make this very possible.

There are many ways for gay men to have children these days; adoption, finding a surrogate mother to carry their biological child, having needy foster children (including LGBT foster children) live with them...finding a lesbian to marry isn't the only way. As a matter of fact, if Tony finds a man to be in a relationship with, a marriage to a lesbian might pose some complications. So I would advise that, when he is ready, he carefully explore all of his options.

Thank-you for supporting your brother in the various ways that you do. He's very lucky. Every gay or lesbian person should have (perhaps needs) a brother who looks out for him like you do.

I am a girl in high school. I have a gay brother who is a year younger than me. It has been very tough with the situation we have been in. He is extremely hard to live with. I think he might be depressed. But it has effected me negatively. I am curious to know, what is it like to be a sister of a brother who you have been close to for years, then he comes out gay. He has changed drastically. I think it might be hormones, or puberty. I just want the best for him and I hope he can be a happier person in the future with whatever decision he makes.

I am sorry to hear about these difficulties. It is difficult for me to judge what is happening based on your message, but in general, it can be difficult being an out gay or lesbian kid in high school and the fall-out might make it tough for family members as well. Keep showing your brother that you love and accept him, and if you think he is depressed urge him (and urge your parents to) get some counseling.

Does your book really deal with the issue of gay sibling? If it were just a matter of acceptance, that's oversimplified. Teen gays like to "experiment." S/he wants experience with anyone, even a sibling. It's offensive behavior for the sibling who's not gay, the other one wanting to try this or that. I've gotten this kind of pressure from my closet sibling for years, but never squeaked on her to my parents who are always in denial. For years she had this obsession with trying to touch tongues. Then trying to cuddle in bed--wanting me in bed with her. I've had to aggressively make it very clear that if necessary, I would beat her up, even if she's older than me. This is a very sensitive matter that the media never discusses. Gays WILL manipulate and rape if they need to, to get who they want. This is why I personally, do not like gays! PS. And my sister is still lusting after me!

What your older sister is trying to do to you is wrong and needs to stop. If she has not stopped after your aggressive attempts then you really should tell your parents, particularly if you are a minor. What your sister is doing is NOT a function of her sexual orientation (healthy gay people DO NOT force themselves on their siblings) but seems to me like sexual abuse. Your mention of rape makes me even more concerned for your well-being. Your sister needs help with, among other things, learning to respect your boundaries--and you need your body and rights to be respected and protected.

Hai hai! You seem awesome! My boyfriend recently and somewhat unintentionally came out to his family and his sister and mom have been so supportive! However, his dad, stepmum and brother aren't so... At all. I've been banned from the household T-T
I wanted to know if there's any way you can think of to accept him more. He's known he wasn't straight for a year or two yet they seem to think it's my fault which is rather offensive T-T

All kidding aside, you and your bf need to give them some time to get used to the idea. You can try to connect them to literature (e.g. my book) or they could download a lot of good information for free at www.pflag.org

Try not to be offended. They simply do not understand sexual orientation and seem somewhat anxious about it. That's their fault and their responsibility to fix (not yours or your boyfriend's)