Sunday, March 13, 2011

In sight

As I've mentioned before, my husband stutters. It's difficult to argue with a person when you have to politely wait for them to get their retort out. I have also witnessed other people's reactions (non-stutterers) to my husband, such as the parents who ushered their child away from our son at the playground, the man in the spec shop who couldn't look at him, and the interviewer who said he couldn't give my husband a job because the job was communications based (it was an IT job - communication would have been primarily email), and these, and other moments, led me to write over a hundred poems about or connected to stuttering in some way.

I am extremely proud to have two of these poems, "Gecko" and "Fat Tongue" in Air Flow, the magazine for the New Zealand Speak Easy Association for people who stutter. Huge thanks to Bruce Whitfield, and for a very generous and appreciated hand of friendship.

Poems are on page 4 but please take some time to read the magazine, it's insightful and goes to show what excellent communicators, high achievers, and generally people you want on your team, stutterers are. And if there are any stutterers in Auckland, please get in touch!

30 comments:

Interesting Rachel, and I'm popping over to check the magazine.I was with a good friend who has a stutter on Saturday, and she was regaling us with a great tale of having trouble ordering her tickets for 'The King's Speech'.

Good for you! My bro in law stutters a bit, and I guess I've never really given much thought to all the ways this can affect a persons life! Thanks for making me a bit more aware of being more sensitive to others' feelings. :)

JoAnne - how ironic! Phone calls and on-the-spot/timed situations exasperate the situation for my husband, making his stutter worse. Bravo to your friend - my husband wouldn't take me to see the film - totally in denial of his stutter! I wrote a poem with the same title as the film without even having seen it! I'm pleased you liked the poems, thank you.

Kass - you have told me about your son. Do you mean you don't talk about it because it isn't an issue; or beacasue there's a tension? My husband hates to see himslef speaking - hates the thought of other people seeing him as a stutterer. Most of the time I doubt he considers himself a stutterer! Personally, I felt it needed getting out there. Do you want to/want him to talk about it?

Laura - Thanks you! People stutter to varying degrees and I guess a lot of people get through with minimal hassle, aside from the odd ignoramous, but people often seem to feel embarrassed for my husband when he's speaking, which he picks up on and which makes the situation worse. His stutter is pretty severe when at full throttle and it's understandably difficult for some people to not react differently to him as they would from any fluent speaker. So if my poems can take away the embarrassment, I'll be happy.

Yes, I would feel more comfortable if he talked about it. I don't want to bring it up because then he might think it's a bigger issue with me than it is. I would just like to know if it bothers him. I wonder if it holds him back getting the promotions he wants at work. He called me tonight and didn't stutter at all. I've noticed that times of stress affect his stuttering tremendously. I hurt for him and sometimes I feel responsible because he was so affected by my divorcing his father.

Kass, as much as we like to blame our parents for everything, divorce does not a stutterer make. But you know this. You seem to feel guilty that you blighted his life. If I may be so bold as to presume to speak from my husband's perspective (as I have no idea what your son's thoughts on his stutter are), I doubt he would want anyone feeling guilty on his behalf. He despises people feeling sorry for him (part of this entails that if people feel sorry then his stutter exists!) but mostly he's a 30 odd year old guy who likes to be found sexy and funny and astoundingly intelligent - alas... :) I think my son may stutter also, although he's only 2 and a half he seems to be presenting some traits. I don't feel guilty - I'm not letting him feel special for that - he'll have to prove himself and get tough, just like my daughter - that's life. And he'll be a better person for it than a lot of so called perfect people.I hope I'm not speaking out of turn. I guess the only way to know how your son feels is to ask him. I wonder why you can't talk about it.

Cat - the worst thing is when they assume he's talking another language and it's like they think, if they slow down their speech and talk to him as though he were a toddler he can understand and then reply in kind! Totally bonkers. But, yeah, there'll be a lot of people missing out on some ace poeple - not only those who stutter - but, that said, let's not give halos and horns where there is merely colour lacking; my husband can be as big an ass as I can, as any of us can. Being an ass is the real leveller of people!

I sympathise with your husband. I grew up with a stammer and had to see a speech therapist. I managed to get over it, but years later, when I had to regulalry speak in another language, it returned for vengeance.

Thomas, I didn't know that - and that's interesting because, interestingly, or oddly, enough, my husband doesn't stammer/stutter when he's speaking French! He had speech therapy and graduated the McGuire programme - being able at one point to control it - but it is digging spurs in like a cock about to be throttled! How bad was yours (if that's not too rude to ask)? My husband can look like a cow having an epileptic fit (as I described him in a poem - he's tolerant).

I imagine that the worst thing about stuttering must be the fact that you cannot hide all your emotions -- being nervous, anxious, afraid, angry, frustrated, which we try to hide in many situations when we function normally in society -- meeting new people, going to job interviews, talking to managers, making difficult phone calls). You cannot pretend and, you know, wear all the masks for all the roles that you need to play in society. It must be very hard to feel exposed like that all the time.

Wonderful poetry, Rae, as always. I didn't realize your husband is a stutterer. I don't have direct experience with that, but you know the condition in my brother, so I do have experience with people who have other things happening. It tears at my heart to watch people run when no one can avoid the fact that someone in the room is different. Not lacking, not horrid, different. I try hard to run toward people who are different. Maybe they've got the next, best secret of life which I'd like to know. Maybe they will be very important in my life. Maybe I'd miss something important if I didn't get to know them. Thank you for this post.

Hey, Les,I don't usually walk around with the information like a football mascot but poeple who meet us get to know pretty soon and I guess the white elephant has become an obsession of mine as I watch how people react.

You just reminded me of something..here it is..excuse the impromptu ejaculation...

The first time I met youyou stuck your tongue out at me,pulled a face and bought a burger,leaving me to pay for my own.

I sat next to you; have you lick out my ear - all the better to hear you - instead of my eye.

And we, your readers, are glad that you do. I may ask you if I may reprint that poem sometime, crediting you as it author, of course.

Funny, the elephant in the room is something I'm currently discussing in e-mails with two different women. You've read my words telling how I had to be a secret keeper as a child. It has made me detest sitting in a room with all the energy bouncing around, one bolt off of another, and everyone wearing blank faces as if nothing's going on. The worst kind of falseness.

Sure you can, Les. Maybe more than half a dozen people will read it that way!And yeah, thunderbolts in waiting are no fun - but then, I've lost a lot of supposed friends by pointing out that elephant. I suppose some of us have better reigns on our tongues than others.

I guess I'd say it this way: in a couple of different situations, there have been elephants in the room. But in both cases, these good women and I are together Zeusing them. I enjoy tackling garbage with other women. I seem well-suited to act with a team of women. Hmm . . I have to think about that.

Thank you for this post and the link to the newsletter, and for sharing your poems. My twelve-year-old son has a stutter, which comes and goes. Once it's coming it seems that it has to reach a certain pitch that is agonising both for him and us, before it ebbs a bit. He's lucky in that he has not been teased about it at school and some friends are curious and open enough that they will ask him about it straight out; and he's confident enough to talk about it. His speech therapy has really helped - and he got a lot out of seeing The King's Speech. I was sitting next to him and at certain points he leaned over and whispered in my ear that they were using such-and-such a technique. Reading the comments above (and I find what Kass says heart-breaking), it does seem that there is more openness about stammering now and certainly here in the UK help and support is out there. For us as a family that has made a huge difference. At the moment he attends a monthly session of "Smoothtalkers", a club that gives him a forum free from us to be open and share experiences and ideas with other schoolchildren who stammer. I know that without all that it would be a much bigger issue in his life than it is and and we are so hoping that he will then have the tools to get rid of elephants in the room when he reaches adulthood.

Marjorie - thank you, this is so moving and what a great story to share with people. Your son sounds like a brilliant and confident young man who will one day make someone a superb, caring partner. I'm certain he'll have no problems dealing with white elephants either. I hope someone else reads this and is inspired by it.

As the mother of a one time stutterer (as you know) I found your post and the subsequent discussion very informative, and moving too. The reactions to your husband are awful, so frustrating for him, and you must get so angry for him. Good that you can be so eloquent on his behalf.Penny x

Penny, I vent it in poems whereas he keeps it inside, and that's the frustrating part, for me at least.I'm not sure eloquence comes into it; I seem to be missing pause control on my communications, but thank you.

Thank you so much, Rachel. It's a sensitive piece and very laudable, your compassion and regard for others. I like what you said about the challenges...as of, arguing with someone who stutters. Brilliant. I stuttered quite a bit when I was in school. I've had speech therapy twice. Every little bit helps. I just roll with it now. Folks who don't know me don't notice it much, or don't act like they do. It only trips me up when when I'm tired. Thank you for writing about this. Peace,

Hey, Diane - thank you for sharing that. Well, more proof of smart and high achieving stutterers. I suppose there are a lot of stutterers we don't know about for that same reason you mention - they got good therapy. Aside from the two poems here, many of my stutter related poems began as a way of arguing with my husband and are not flattering or kind (to either of us) but they are honest and raw and have lead to some huge realisations.

My father also stuttered (or stammered, as the UK say) - in a completely different way to my husband, but it's possibly one reason his stutter didn't make me flinch. And he's never been able to curry sympathy from me because of it, not even if he has wanted to!

I stuttered as a child and it was the local librarian in our village who suggested I read poetry - the rhythms of it would help the flow of words - that plus learning to take breaths - I'm not sure if the poetry helped to cure my stutter or not but it certainly got me to appreciate literature.