Monday, February 24, 2014

I have noticed that I changed a lot ever since I became a mother almost 2 years ago.. The good thing about me becoming a mother is that I will think to behave more, try to set a good example, prioritize my daughter.. All her needs comes first.. Even though I'm still lazy n etc, I will make sure the task that I'm suppose to do on my daughter is done then only I turn lazy.. I appreciate my life more even since having a daughter.. Appreciate in the sense that I'm scared to die.. I keep thinking; what if I die, what will happen to my daughter? I don't want to die yet! That kinda thinking.. Before motherhood, my life was meaningless, doing meaningless stuff, worry n bring trouble n complication to my own life for no reason.. Now, I got my daughter to think of before I do any minor/major decision.. Even something as simple as what to eat when I'm outside with my daughter, I will think n order something that my daughter could eat..

BUT.. The bad thing about me after being a mother is that I simply think a lot.. N I think so many unnecessary stuff.. I am slowly becoming my own mother.. The type of person that I don't like.. I have turned so no confidence due to my fatness.. N this has affected my relationship with my husband a lot.. I used to be this over confident kind of woman, which some part of it used to be sexy for some guys cause some guys like confident woman.. N that's y my husband fell in love with me.. Now, I have like zero confidence in my self especially my own looks.. Sigh.. I spend almost every night couldn't sleep because I think too much nonsense.. My husband put the blame on my dad for my low self esteem because my dad always insult me being fat.. Keep saying fat jokes.. N whenever he sees fat people, he will compare me to them.. Basically my own dad keeps stepping on my confidence to zero level.. I'm already aware that I have gained so much weight after baby.. N I did not bother to lose weight cause my husband didn't mind.. But yet, my dad has to keep pointing out that I'm fat.. He keeps saying it non stop for like at least one hour once.. I calculated cause I went to Australia with them for two week for my brother's graduation holiday n I got insulted every day, every hour for that two weeks.. Example of how my dad insulted me: they were talking/discussing about they wanted to go Korea for Chinese New Year.. Then I was like; yea, I wanted to go Korea also! I wanna try that... Then my dad interrupted me n say.. U know what u should do in Korea? Get a liposuction! It's just random chat n I will get insulted out of nowhere..

As I was saying, because of my low self esteem (thanks to my dad who also made it worse), it has taken a toll on my relationship with my husband.. I constantly needed assurance from my husband that I'm not ugly n etc.. Until he got fed up with me.. We fight a lot over little matters.. Whenever the fight has merely something to do with my looks n fatness, I will turn so defensive, bitchy n explode.. I seriously turned very defensive.. N I think too much.. For example, my hubby wanted to sleep on the floor because he liked the small cozy play area which I set up for my daughter to play.. But I will think, probably because I'm too fat that's y he refuse to sleep with me cause my fatness is taking up so much space.. Or like if I see him checking out other girls in fb, I cannot help it but to think that I'm too fat n not attractive anymore that's y my husband looks at other woman.. The old me, I would have looked with him n we could talk/compliment/criticize that girl we r looking at together.. Now I feel every other girls is way prettier than me.. I'm just an old, wrinkly, full of stretch marks, cellulite n fatness kind of crazy bitch.. Then we would start a fight again cause I cannot keep it inside my heart n I have to blurt out all my stupid thinking.. That's y our relationship is worse now.. I know I can say this which means I know which part is wrong.. I know.. But I can't help it when that moment comes again n my mind will start stepping my esteem again n then makes me go crazy again.. Like lately, my husband keep pressing his phone to online in fb.. He online non stop.. He can come back at 9pm n press his phone to surf the Internet until fall asleep.. N I got pissed at him.. N we fight again.. I will start saying shit like he doesn't care about me anymore.. Yeah la, I'm ugly la.. That's y u rather see other girls.. He will just keep ignoring me.. Although this is just part of our problems, we have many more other problems.. Like financial, his attitude towards me n my daughter.. My relationship with his family.. We have so many problems unsolved that is not even funny.. He always likes to brush it aside.. I always prefer to confront.. But when he brush it aside, it will make me crazier as I will end up simply think n can't sleep the whole night.. Like the past weeks, I can't sleep until almost sunrise cause I have been thinking nonsense with no solution..

Tonight, my solution is to stop caring so much anymore.. Stop talking to him cause he seem to be annoyed with me whenever I try to talk to him.. But I'm not sure if I can do it.. If I stop caring, stop wanting to talk to him anymore, I will want to stop the relationship n end it.. Cause I cannot be left alone to continue think nonsense.. I need a solution kind of person.. N I feel, if he can't help me with a solution, I will find my own solution n usually my own solution is very sudden/crazy/wateverfuckit,justdoit kind..

For now, I will try not to care so much anymore.. I will try not to be interested to know n talk to him that much unless absolutely necessary n start dieting n be thin.. I just want to get back my old self n have my confidence all over again..

My mind is all over the place right now.. On a different matter altogether, I seriously hates it when people treat me like I'm stupid.. Seriously, don't give me a lame excuse ok.. How come some people's confidence is so way over the top that they think they can bluff someone way older than them? Seriously.. *shakes head* I feel that I'm old already.. I'm no longer really interested in gossips, lies, n I don't have time for nonsense like listening to people that are full of themselves bragging n saying contradicting stuff.. It's seriously a waste of my time..

I'm gonna go reflect on myself again n make my self feel worse again n again until I turn thin n have my confidence back.. N of course some exercise.. Oh n I notice I have been venting my frustration on my run.. I run harder when i have many things pent up inside me.. It's like I kinda wish my heart would explode so that I won't think so much anymore.. But when I really feel like dying because of me running too hard, I chicken out n run slowly again in case I die n no one will help me take care of my daughter.. Or worse, if my husband remarry n force my daughter call his new wife mommy.. If that happens, I'm sure to come back as a devil ghost n torture my husband n his new wife.. Wtf.. Haha.. Good night world or good morning since it's already 5.15am here..