After a season in which their bottomed-out squad of plucky nobodies occasionally showed admirable spunk under first-year coach Brad Stevens, the Boston Celtics evidently decided they'd had enough of this not-being-hated-by-literally-everyone crap, and went out and signed ball-pounding avatar of hopelessness Evan Turner, whose game is basketball's version of a wet fart.

If the phrase "Evan Turner, Boston Celtic" doesn't make you want to puke and cry and raze the Northeast of all life, you're probably Danny Ainge. The rest of us will be over here retching into our cupped elbows.

Here is Evan Turner's wack shit getting spiked into the Earth's molten core by John Wall.

Fun fact: His fistfight with Lance Stephenson before Game 1 of the Indiana Pacers' first-round playoffs series back in the spring was the most unlikable moment in NBA history.