Marrying Mary

by admin on March 22, 2010

At the time that I found this terrific site, I was embroiled in my own etiquette hell situation with a roommate who we’ll simply call Mary. She didn’t have many friends due to her tendencies to be a little bit rude and uncouth but there were those of us, like myself, who put up with her to keep things peaceful. We lived with two other girls, and peace wasn’t always easy, but I hate drama, so whenever Mary committed an uncouth crime in our house, usually I was the one putting out the fire.

The one thing she wanted more than anything was to get married. She bought books about it, talked about it, attended seminars about it and I felt sorry for the poor guys she would have crushes on. I knew it was hard on her with the three of us having boyfriends around, but she would chastise us for sitting too close or coming home too late submitting ourselves to “Unnecessary temptations” (in case you were wondering, she was a very strict, conservative Catholic – I’m a born again Christian, but this was way overboard). She met an Army guy online, and started a fiery slew of communications with him, sending him constant care packages. He wrote a couple of times, but she threw herself into this fully.

Over a holiday weekend, this guy finally came back to the States where they met face to face for the first time. I was out of town with my fiance at the time, so I was spared watching them makeout constantly, but none of my roommates or close friends were. Within about a week of this, my fiance had a nervous breakdown and suddenly left town, breaking up with me in the process. I was crushed and heartbroken. I wasn’t sleeping and was emotionally volatile, often going off by myself to cry. That weekend, Mary and her soldier got engaged. She announced it to me by having me wake up with her ring finger literally inches from my face. I tried to pass it off as her excitement, which I wasn’t going to rob her of, but things got testy, when I found her crying in our room. I asked her what was wrong and she said she was happy to be called to be someone’s wife. I mentioned that maybe she should get to know him a little better on a face to face basis, she immediately shot back with, “I really don’t feel called to take advice from you because you’re a failure at relationships.”

Excuse me?

I was angry, but my reaction was to avoid her, not easy when you share a bedroom. She was planning on moving out by the end of the month, so I figured I could make it. She upped the game by cornering me one morning before work and said, “Why aren’t you sharing in my joy?”

The tacky train came to full speed when a few of us received an email from her, telling us when she was leaving and how much she’d like us to throw her a going away/engagement party and gave a few suggestions of restaurants to hold it at. Attached was a guest list of 150 people she wanted invited. A mutual friend who’s a saint, volunteered to organize one, but at someone’s apartment. Not only did only ten people show up, but her fiance, who was in town, couldn’t be bothered to show up. Needless to say, when she moved out, we were happy to wish her well on her way.

I wasn’t invited to the wedding but a friend showed me the invitation. Enclosed with the invitation were two envelopes. One for RSVPing (no stamp) and one for cash gifts. I wish I could say I was surprised, but I wasn’t. 0317-10

So, she just told you “I can’t be bothered to put a 50c stamp on the RSVP envelope, but I am “generous” enough to give you an envelope to extract cash from you!”. What nerve!

Her statement “I really don’t feel called to take advice from you because you’re a failure at relationships.” hit me hard too. I had been single for quite a long time, and I have heard such comments from some people. It is amazing how cold some people are! They think that being in committed relationship has somehow made them flawless. Hats off to you for not punching her on her face right.

Actually, Mary wasn’t required to put a stamp on the RSVP envelope. That’s actually a modern nicety. Years ago, everyone knew they needed to reply when receiving an invitation and would actually write out their own individual reply and send it at their own expense.

I don’t think Mary is being a Victorian throw-back in this case though. The cash envelope shows her real concern – wedding as a money making venture.

Sounds like this girl is your classic “I’m going to marry the first man that comes along because my religion/family expect me to find my soul mate at 18” girl. I don’t have anything against religion, but I do have an issue with people telling me I’m a commitment-phobe or I’m a failure because I’m not in a solid relationship. I bought a unit with a 30-year mortgage at the age of 20- I’m not afraid of commitment. I just don’t date people, because ‘dating’ means to me you’re trying to figure out if you want to marry someone.

People need to be taught manners and when to butt out of other people’s business. Mary will be an absolute Bridezilla!

Oooh, PrincessSimmi, I know a family like that rigt now. The girl is only 16, madly in love with the first guy who has shown an interest. He is “the love of her life”, and she has totally changed her plans for college because of him.

Makes me think there are some self confidence issues. After all, how could she ever find another boy who would be interested in her in the next two years?

Gloria – WHAT! She’s only 16!? Where are her parents!!!!!!!? I must have had about 30 boyfriends between 16 and 21 and I’ve never been engaged or even close to married with any of them!

There’s definitely something going on here, potentially she believes that the boyfriend/fiance/husband can ‘take her away’ from her current life/situation and fix everything. This is why I don’t watch chick flicks – although the main charachter always falls in love and gets married at the end, the reality is we rarely find ‘the one’ and when we do, it’s not always perfect immediately.

Maybe I’m just too practical, but if you’re not willing to help yourself you don’t deserve to be helped.

I’m the original poster and its so nice to hear the influx of sympathy. The update on the story was, they got married a few months ago and she got pregnant right away. Actually, she wasn’t counting on her Facebook friends to have the ability to do math, because she has a fondness of giving to the minute updates on how many weeks along she is. Well, we did the math and its good to see we weren’t the only ones susceptible to “Unnecessary temptations.”

Honestly? 16 is the age where it’s acceptable to be over the moon with the “first guy who shows an interest”. She’s a teenager, for heaven’s sake! Let her at least enjoy the upside of being at an age where emotions are intense and volatile, without considering it a “self-esteem issue” that she isn’t coldly evaluating each boy on campus to see who’s the best bet. There’s enough pain involved with being a teenager, without taking away the moon, and June, and all those feelings.

Lots of people DO end up with their childhood sweetheart, and are very happy. Lots of other people date every single person they can, and still can’t find “the one”. There are no guarantees, but I’m not sure how long you think she should wait before falling in love.

It’s not the falling in love that’s the problem, it’s the changing of serious life plans for something as intense and volatile as 16-year old love. If the relationship requires that she give up her previously held goals, what does that really say about her paramour’s concern for her well-being?

To be honest I can’t understand why people throw any sort of party for a person they don’t get a long with, if someone is needlessly cruel to you then you’re not under any obligation to do them a favour.
I say this because I am honestly curious as to why I read so many stories on this site where someone decides to be a twerp and yet people throw them a party anyway, only to end up with said twerp being unsurprisingly ungrateful about it. Can anyone explain it to me?

The young lady who wanted so much to be someone’s wife reminds me of the friend in “An Officer and a Gentleman” whose longtime dream was to be “an officer’s wife.” Once she finds out that the young man whose proposal she has just accepted has dropped out of the officer training program in its last week, she angrily flings the ring back at him and storms off. Needless to say, that one doesn’t end well.

I sincerely hope that, given the way in which this marriage was begun, in time the couple come to love each other, for their sakes and the sake of the baby.