America is a nation in need of healing. But no healing shall be had. Because two of our most important toothpaste manufacturers are locked in legal battle to the death over the future of nurdles. Nurdles on packages. Toothpaste packages.

What is a nurdle? A nurdle is that hypnotizing wave-shaped squirt of multicolored toothpaste that appears on toothpaste packages, seeming to call out to you like Siren of Hygiene, "Come, partake; squeeze my tube and you too shall see a perfect nurdle on your brush, before your very eyes."

Now the Aquafresh people are suing the Colgate people for using a similar nurdle, and the Colgate people are suing the Aquafresh people because hey jerks, you're not the only ones in town who like nurdles, and you, the consumer, are caught square in the middle of an old-fashioned toothpaste marketing shootout. "A picture of a nurdle is important because the oral care aisle is so crowded," reports the WSJ.