Bobby Bowden does not know how to order at Taco Bell

For a celebrated gridiron strategist, legendary Florida State football coach Bobby Bowden takes an absolutely pathetic approach to ordering Taco Bell. In a Tuesday ask-me-anything session on Reddit, a user asked Bowden what he recommended at the Mexican-inspired fast food chain. Bowden responded:

Wooh. Gosh, seldom do I eat at Taco Bell, I’m not sure. I don’t know. I guess I’d look to see what the most expensive thing was and go ahead and buy it. Hoping that they know what they’re talking about.

Just throw as much money at it as you possibly can: The New York Yankees method of fast-food ordering. Is that what works in college football recruiting? Wait, don’t answer that.

While “seldom do I eat at Taco Bell” sounds like a fancy way of saying, “I’m better than you and MexiMelts both,” what follows here is advice for Bowden if he ever deigns to eat the delicious fruits of late founder Glen Bell’s years of old-fashioned elbow grease and regular grease. Because, right now, Bobby Bowden is doing it wrong.

At the nearest Taco Bell to our Times Square office, the most expensive item on the menu is the Steak Cantina Power Bowl, which no one should ever order. It costs $6.98 — though Midtown Manhattan prices are unlikely to hold anywhere but Midtown Manhattan — and it is apparently aimed at people who want to eat healthy while also eating at Taco Bell. I’m not sure those people exist.

The Cantina Power Bowl includes “premium Latin rice” and “slow simmered black beans,” but none of the most desirable Taco Bell ingredients. It is neither Melty nor Crunchy nor particularly Cheesy. Ordering it is like… well, it’s like ordering Taco Bell’s best effort at health food at Taco Bell. It is the gold standard for wrongheaded decision-making.

The Cantina Power Bowl, pictured here in with chicken. (PHOTO: TacoBell.com)

Even if Bowden opted for the most expensive single item on the regular, non-Cantina menu, he’d wind up with a Chicken XXL Grilled Stuft Burrito at $6.48. Again, a terrible choice. The sheer size of the XXL Grilled Stuft Burritos mean they’re almost always poorly constructed, leading to bites full of meat with no beans, bites full of rice with no cheese, and, on the whole, a disappointing Taco Bell experience at a premium price.

The most expensive thing on the menu — at least at the 8th Avenue location in Midtown, again — is the Shredded Chicken Quesarito combo meal, at $9.14. It includes a Quesarito — the much-ballyhooed burrito/quesadilla hybrid product — as well as a Doritos Locos Taco, a Crunchy Taco and a drink. At the very least, that would provide Bowden with a ton of food.

But both the Quesarito and the Doritos Locos Taco are overhyped and overpriced marketing gimmicks that pale in comparison to classic menu items that can be had for less money. And because ultimately — all pompous Taco Bell posturing aside — Bowden comes off like a pretty good guy in his Reddit chat, I can confidently recommend several better options for the coach whenever he next stoops to making the proverbial run for the border.

For less than the price of the Steak Cantina Power Bowl, Bowden could have a Cheesy Gordita Crunch ($3.54) and a $2.99 Beefy Nacho Loaded Griller.

The former, a crunchy taco glued to “warm, pillowy flatbread” by melted cheese and topped with the elusive but excellent zesty Pepper Jack sauce, provides a wonderful combination of Taco Bell textures and flavors with enough carbs to fill even the hungriest retired coaching legend.

A Beefy Nacho Loaded Griller. (PHOTO: TacoBell.com)

The latter, perhaps the best new Taco Bell menu item since the far more heralded debut of the Crunchwrap Supreme in 2005, includes nacho-cheese sauce, seasoned beef and crispy red strips — possibly the greatest Taco Bell ingredient of all — tightly wrapped inside a tortilla so it can be conveniently consumed in the car or, say, while patrolling the sidelines with little to no mess.

And all that, again, costs nearly 50 cents less than the Cantina Power Bowl alone! Bowden could put the extra money toward desserts like the time-honored Cinnamon Twists or the up-and-coming Caramel Apple Empanada.

No one mistakes Taco Bell for high-end dining, and so opting for the most expensive options on the Taco Bell menu represents both a horrifying misunderstanding of the whole point of Taco Bell and a great way to cheat yourself out of seasoned beef — the least expensive but tastiest Taco Bell protein option.

Bowden might be a Hall of Fame coach with two national championships and 12 ACC titles under his belt, but the guy still has a lot to learn about Taco Bell.

The legendary Florida State coach has an embarrassing approach to Mexican-inspired fast food.

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