Mumble 3

Mumble 3 is the third of the Mumble chats involving Chris. The date it was held is uncertain, but it was before 10 February 2009.

Length: 2:51:34

Synopsis

The third Mumble chat begins with with small talk between Chris and Julie, punctuated by loss of audio in places, macaroni cheese, money and passwords. Clyde, at this point, is flashing in and out of the conversation, without actually making an appearance until the later stages. Molvanîa has been destroyed, it turns out. Julie almost blows her cover a couple of times while referring to "Cameron", who seems to continuously change gender. We also discover that all of Chris's female creations think that he’s handsome, just like Barb does. This would appear to be the reason why he can’t understand why he’s single. Clyde makes a cameo appearance. Julie is getting paranoid, believing that Clyde is out to get her, and she wants Chris to protect her. Chris seems unworried by Julie voicing her fears about a knife wielding Clyde Cash coming to get her, even when she is sure he's out side her house. Julie and Chris agree to take each other's virginity and imagine their first time together. Chris promises to try hard not to prematurely ejaculate. Clyde appears and reveals he's heard everything. The two threaten and try to psychoanalyze each other. Clyde denigrates Chris's existence and questions in detail how he'll support Julie or even himself, casting serious doubt on Chris's life skills. Clyde forces Chris to make a video saying that he's gay, threatening to harm Julie if he doesn't.

Summary

The chat is quite long, weighing in at nearly two and a half hours, and is one of the longest Mumble chats. It is unknown how the trolls kept Chris on for so long.

Chief talking points are as follows:

Chris and Julie log for a private chat. There appears to be some problem with the audio cutting out.

Julie blames the global financial crisis for her not being able to visit. Chris accepts this.

Small talk: Julie is a very good cook. Julie has her Sonichu Girls password back.

Julie wants to talk about their relationship.

Julie fucks up, tipping off Chris that she's a troll. She excuses the mistake on her bad English.

Chris wants to Google Molvanîa (something he should have done ages ago), but Julie fast-talks him out of it.

Julie explains that Molvanîa has been destroyed.

Julie changes the subject and asks about how Virginia is.

A wild Clyde Cash appears, then disappears without saying a word.

Chris's alarm goes off, ruining his train of thought. He performs no other action, so presumably the alarm was to remind him to be even more forgetful than usual.

Chris believes he is handsome but doesn't know why he doesn't have a girlfriend. He says this to Julie, his sweetheart.

Chris pesters Julie to come visit him, without offering to assist her in anyway.

Clyde speaks, demanding to know why Chris hasn't killed him yet.

Chris bitches to Cogs, saying among other things that he can draw romance well, dating education, and how he shouldn't be held accountable for including pornography in a children's comic because he does what he wants to do.

Chris, possessing all the subtlety of the raging inferno that was the Hindenburg in its final moments, suggests that he and Julie engage in cybersex.

Chris believes that Panda is gone and that he should immediately move on.

Chris admits that it's possible he will prematurely ejaculate. The prospect unsettles him some.

Julie and Chris discuss their first time. Terrible, unmentionable things occur as they go into detail, moving into full on cybersex. Chris concedes it's probable that he'll prematurely ejaculate on his first time.

Chris lies about his penis size. See accompanying image.

Chris explains that his semen will taste like strawberries, since he's been eating lots of them in preparation.

Chris: If anything you might have to close it and relog back then to up after you get it configure correctly. I mean order-or-or to get to configure it correctly.

Julie: Well actually I did that, I logged back in after I configured it- [cut]

Chris: Oh. Well you should carry speaker a little longer there (?)

Julie: So- [cut]

Chris: [Aggravated] Sigh. Broke up again. [Pause] I mean you can tell when you're breaking up because you look at the you-your lips up next to your name on the thing here and you kinda get grayed out, and that means you're- that's kinda like when you get cut off. [Pause] Or when you're done speaking.

Julie: hey I, oh I think I know what you- Is it better now-

Chris: You got cut off again.

Julie: That's weir-

Chris: Hmm. I don't know either. You just got it- you just installed it so uh, hmm. This is like first install jitters, or something. I dunno.

Julie: Is it better now?

Chris: I heard your, eh, eh, Yeah. I mean, I was able to hear you clearly until the points where you got cut of so uh, uh, yeah. I mean, yeah, you know, try saying something longer and I'll let you know if you get cut off mid-sentence.

Julie: I hope this microphone does not cut out as that would be horrible.

Chris: Alright, I got- I had your full sentence there. I heard ya. I heard ya.

Julie: Alright, that is good-

Chris: Huh. You got cut off again.

Julie: That's weird, I don't know what could be causing it. I turned off everything else that was using the connection.

Chris: Hmm. Well we just, well- it's best to try to make the best- make the best of it. So you know, uh, I'll try to understand you up- I mean- until the points, I mean the points- I mean, as best as I can even if you get- even if you might get cut off sometime. But anyway it's-

00:04:14 Money, Jobs

Chris: Yep, I hear that. I'm just sorry about uh, the rising cost of things due to the economic crisis and all.

Julie: Yes, it's very hard on me.

Chris: Yeah. Alright so, uh tell me- so you said you were uh working at fast food or something to uh, earn money?

Julie: Yes, I'm working at restaurants. I'm a professional cook. Sorry. My English is still bad.

Chris: You said you were a professional cook?

Julie: I am professional at cooking.

Chris: Oh, that's good. Maybe after you come over here I could try a little bit of your cuisine for uh... lunch or dinner.

Julie: Yes, I would enjoy that.

Chris: I mean, mostly I just uh warm up a TV dinner, but you know I am able to uh, cooking things- uh, cooking things for my- cooking things for myself when I have the instructions in front of me and the ingredients. But it's kind of, like hmm, you know, a bit crowded in my kitchen in here.

00:05:59 Lost Passwords

Chris: Okay. Let's- anyway you didn't answer my question how'd uh, did your passwo- how'd you get your password back after the previous time your brother changed it on ya?

Julie: Actually um, he actually just put it back to the original last. I'm not sure if he's gonna give it back this time, however.

Chris: Um. Hmm. Has he told you uh, me- he's probably just doing it just to annoy you but uh, maybe he- maybe uh, maybe he like, I don't know his mindset but maybe he wants something?

Julie: Perhaps.

Chris: I mean like did you ask him like, did you ever ask him like why did you change my password other than just to annoy me? What is it that you want?

Julie: I actually don't know why he chang- [cut off again]

Chris: It's like if you- [Julie interrupts, brief pause] It's like you got to try get into his head a little bit.

Julie: Hmm.

Chris: Like, you know, one thing you could do, you could, check out his room, see if you can find anything he's written down or look at, you know, look a clues in his room that describes him. Maybe you could, find something- find something there that uh, you can put in- put in common terms with or whatever, and uh, give him something that uh, makes him feel good from somewhere among those clues.

Julie: [Enthusiastic] Yes I could do that! That's a very good idea!

Chris: I mean, my room is a slew of big clues. [Chris pronounces "slew" as "slow"]

00:08:07 About Our Relationship...

Chris: [Sudden intake of breath, as though wincing in pain] Oooh. Yeah.

Julie: Should I- Should I not bring this up?

Chris: No, it's okay, it's okay. [Pause] Mmm. Ummm. Yeah. I mean I'm just trying to think about what- what's a good- what's a, something to say at the moment. I mean you don't know what to say, you could say Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

Julie: Ah. Have you heard from my friend Cameron Van- you know Cameron yet? Have you heard from him yet?

Chris: Ahh, Cameron?

Julie: Yes. [Realizing error] Oh. Her. Sorry.

Chris: Oh. Uh, possibly is that uh, Is that- I dunno is that like your aunt, still over in Molvanîa.

Julie: Well, I have unfortunate news about Molvanîa. It- it appears to have been destroyed. I know that sounds strange, but, I don't know what happened. I'm very worried.

00:10:40 How's Virginia?

Chris: It's okay. Uhh, you know, it's a good place to live. As, especially going out to Charlottesville and uh, whatnot, but it's okay.

Julie: Oh, that sounds wonder-

Chris: I mean, I can't, I mean I don't know what much to say, but uh, you know my Father could tell you, oh yeah, Virginia's a historic town, cuz, you know we got all the history from like, Thomas Jefferson and, oh yeah, the Monticello.

Julie: What do you like to do in Virginia?

Chris: Hmm. What Do I like to do in Virginia? Hmm. I dunno [nervous laugh] Been living in Virginia pretty much all my life so, pretty much just living my normal life at this point. Other than- other than that I can't really say, you know?

Julie: Can you tell what that includes? I really want to know what your life is like, I would love to know.

Chris: Oh, and uh, here's a note, it says that Clyde left the channel.

Julie: Oh, that's good.

Chris: In the left column here. Hmm. Don't really, I mean, don't really have much on my mind uhh, right now, let me see. Ah, mostly I've just been uh, collecting my thoughts and taking my time. You know, recovering from the Internet, from the stress of the, the stress of the Internet and whatnot.

Julie: Yes, the Internet can be a very stressful place, especially with all these jerks trying to make you mad.

Chris: Yeah. Yeah it can be very tiring is- yep. Very tiring.

Julie: You should stand up to them sometime. You should just tell them you're not going to take it anymore.

Chris: Yeah I think I, I pretty much do that, just like you know, like, I keep my cool- I kept my- pretty much kept my cool and not so much- [Chris's cell phone alarm goes off] Excuse me.

00:13:40 Alarms Are Distracting...

Julie: Okay.

Chris: That was my phone, reminding me of, er, just a reminder.

Julie: Oh, okay.

Chris: Uh, lost- lost my train of thought there.

Julie: Awww.

Chris: Don't you just hate that where you lose your train of thought and it's hard to recover?

Julie: Yeah. I hate it so much.

Chris: I- yep I- I hear you there.

00:14:12 Bob and Snorlax

Julie: So, so how is your life? I mean, are things with your parents okay? I would love to hear.

Julie: I heard her singing, what was it, yesterday? She's a very good singer.

Chris: Yeah. You know I told her that, uh, you know. Y'all- Y'all on the Mumble here heard her singing and they gave you a compliment it's like you know, "Oh, I can't sing, I'm tone deaf. They're just lying to try to make you feel good." Just a little um, just a little mod- just a little modesty there. From her point.

Julie: Everything I said about her awesome singing. I- I- It was a hundred percent true Chris, I assure you.

Chris: Yeah, I know. I mean, I think she- I think she's a great singer too.

Julie: As do I.

Chris: Sorry, could you repeat that, what was that?

Julie: As do I, I agree with you.

Chris: Oh, as do you. That's what you said. Hm. It sounded like you said somethings, it sounded like you said "something, something why". Heh.

Julie: Oh.

Chris: Yeah, like, I dunno, heh. Could be asking a question like, "Why, blahdah blahda". But never mind about that. I mean, I mean- I mean I understand, I'm understanding you clearly. Up to like, you know, up to when you get cut off and whatever.

Julie: So apparently Clyde did get kicked from the Mumble server, so that's good.

Chris: Yeah. Yeah I'm definitely gonna take- I'm definitely gonna- I've been taking some time, and I've been thinking about like you know doing a page at a time, and uploading that to my website. As, as I- as I draw the comic.

Julie: Hey Chris, umm... I know maybe it's confidential, but could you tell me about- a bit about the next comic? I really want to hear.

Chris: Tough love, simply enough- in the first episode Wild and Simonla will meet in the Dating Education class, and it'll just be like, a simple romance, without them- with only the professor knowing it, the two get paired up uh, communicating with each other over- over, like Internet and cell phone and whatnot in practice. And then they all love each other.

Julie: Cool. I look forward to reading about it.

Chris: Yeah I mean, but, you would think, you know, Simonla is a ground/bug type and uh, Wild's a grass-electric. It's like they wouldn't, uh, hook up very well on the opposite traits. But you know, Wild don't- wild don't care. Loves her.

00:17:37 Music, Alizée

Julie: Wow. That sounds so nice. You know what, I'd like to change the subject a bit?

Chris: Uh, sure.

Julie: Can I ask you about your taste in music? I'm an Alizée fan myself!

Chris: Uhh.

Julie: Can I show you one of her videos? Her videos?

Chris: Uhhh, no. Uh, no that's okay, but you said Alizée, I think I've heard that name mentioned before.

Julie: Yes, I believe it was mentioned uh, last time.

Chris: Yeah, I kinda like mo- like uh, all types of music. Uh, some heavy metal, not so ehhh, but you know I'll play it on Guitar Hero, at least.

Julie: I've been trying to get Guitar Hero. That's one of the next games I've been planning to get.

Julie: I hear there are some rock stars that are actually playable in Guitar Hero III, who are they?

Chris: Ahh, I can't really, I don't really memorize- I don't really memorize the uh, playable characters, but in World Tour I did create a playable version of myself.

Julie: Cool.

Chris: Yeah. Yeah there's a video on the YouTube that shows me playing with my character and the Sonichu Guitar.

Julie: Yeah, I noticed you played really well. Do you know how to play the real guitar?

Chris: Ehhh. No, but you know, the guitar, the plastic guitar's good enough for me, I mean, I feel it's good- good enough. Like playing a real guitar. [Voice becomes very gloomy] Even though it's not, but still, [back to cheerful] It's good enough for me!

Chris: Hmm. Yeah but anyway- yeah, I like all kinds of music. Uh, but uh, you know, my favorite female pop star- my favorite female pop star-singer I'd say would be, would have to be Britney Spears.

Julie: I agree, Britney Spears is very nice.

Chris: Yeah.

00:20:13 Attracted to Cartoons

Julie: You know, about your comic? I actually have a question I've been pondering for quite awhile.

Chris: Ask.

Julie: Umm, do you find yourself attracted to your female characters you created at all?

Chris: Ah, do I find myself attracted to my female characters?

Julie: That you have created, yes. I'm sorry if it's a bit too much but I feel like I just, I've been pondering it.

Chris: Hmm. Let me think about that, hmm. Are we including the Rosechus?

Julie: Huh. What?

Chris: Uh, hang on a second, we've got an interloper here.

Julie: It must be a troll.

Chris: Oh, there he goes, he got kicked out.

Julie: Oh, there he goes. Thank goodness.

Chris: Yep. Ah, right so, are we talking about uh- so, in addition, yeah uh, the humanfemale characters. Are we also talking about me being attractive to the Rosechus?

Julie: Yes, I've been pondering. I'm just wondering.

Chris: Yeah they'd- yeah I would say they all have a good ap- I would- they all think I'm handsome. Like my mother. My mother- my mother thinks I'm- my mother tells me constantly that I'm handsome and I agree with her, like when I look at myself in the mirror. But it's like, you know, every time she tells me I'm handsome I'm like, “If I'm so handsome why don't I have a girlfriend?”

Julie: I don't know! I can't imagine why either. You're- well to use the best word you're just dashing. You're just wonderful.

Chris: [Brief pause, stress sigh] Let me go off-topic a bit. So, how- how long do you think it will be until you feel like you'll be able to afford to make the trip to uh, come to Virginia?

Julie: I'm not sure. Things are tough with the economic problems in America currently. Hopefully you'll be able to um, hopefully I'll be able to soon.

Chris: Hmm. You getting any financial help from your family? I mean uh, you can count your brother, but I'm not necessarily counting him.

Julie: Well, most of my family live in Molvanîa. For after- I mean, before it happened. I hope they're okay.

00:22:48 Clyde Speaks!

Clyde: I'm here Chris...

Julie: Clyde?! What are you doing here?

[Chris gives a stress sigh]

Clyde: I just wanted to stop by and say hi, Julie.

Julie: Get out.

Chris: Yep.

Clyde: Look Chris, Chris. I just wanna tell you something.

Chris: Yeah wh-

Clyde: I'm off my medication right now, I'm off my leia (presumably leash) and I'm still angry at you now. Last time was a mistake. I shouldn't, Vivian told me... [exhales] Oh god. Tell me Chris. I just want you to answer one thing.

Chris: What is it.

Clyde: Why haven't you killed me yet? Why haven't you killed me yet.

Julie: [Pause] Chris I think he's trying to tick me.

Chris: Hmm.

Julie: Clyde, how did you get in here?!

Clyde: [Short whisper] Magic.

Julie: You must be on your drugs again, you jerk!

Clyde: Not this time. Not this time. I was being too nice last time, obviously. That was me on drugs. I was too nice when I was on drugs.

Chris: You know Clyde, I have an answer- I do have an answer for you. I haven't killed you yet because you're doing a good job doing it to yourself.

Clyde: Uhhh... I haven't attempted to kill myself. Ever.

Chris: Druggie.

Julie: Chris, I don't think he's gonna leave. I'm scared. What if he tells all the other jerks what you've been saying? What if he knows?! No. I don't know. [Clyde momentarily interrupts]

Chris: He knows nothing. He's been mostly out of this conversation.

Clyde: I know everything. Ever.

Chris: Op. There we go, he got kicked out. [pause] There you go he got kicked out. Yeah but I think most- I think- I think we're safe because he did not hear most of our conversation since, you know, he was mostly in the inactive column.

00:25:22 Clyde Leaves

Julie: I have to be right back soon.

Chris: Okay.

Julie: So there should be something we can do about Clyde.

Chris: But uh, like uh- I'm not too worried about him. I mean I'll deal with him- [Julie interrupts] I mean I'll deal with him when uh, he pops in.

Julie: Okay.

Chris: Uhh according to Cogsdev, he says that uhh Clyde shouldn't be able to come back. [pause, stress sigh] Hmm, right so we were-

Julie: It must be another troll.

00:26:09 Chris talks to Cogsdev

Chris: Nah, that's okay. They're taken care of... They're being taken care of- they're taken care of. But anyway getting back to our conversation, talk about uh, yeah you tried- I was asking you if you had any financial aid from your family. But uh, then you said that they- the troubles in Molvanîa and such. Uh. Yeah, but mostly uh- any help at all from your family? Financially. [pause] Julie? Okay.

Chris: Hmm. Active manner. Hmm. Yeah cuz I like- cuz I like to uh, hmm. But I mostly am attracted to women so when I draw my female characters I like to uh... with like you know I, yeah. I like to make them attractive. I have done, uh, hmmm. [pause] I can't really uh, hmmm. No, I would not have uh, sex with any of them but it's like you know, uh... It's like but you know, I love them as if they were my friends or uh, or like you know, my brain children. But I would never have sex with them. I mean it's like uh, alright, yeah, Cogsdev, I know you're a girl and I will take your word for it on that, but uh, yeah but, yeah. It's like uh, you have- you would have- if you had a son, wouldn't you want to make him look attractive?

[Pause']

Chris: Alright, there you go, you'd dress him up as nice- as nicely as possible. [Pause, then inaudible mumbling] Obviously I watched uh, yeah, I did watch Pornography and then I did get the frustration from the e- from between the ED page it- the page and the trolls. But it's also like, you know uh, I've all- I've wanted to do something like that, you know uh, just to stretch uh an adult muscle in my head. And plus, if you'll look at the, uh, at the lovey-dovey non-nudity scenes like uh, you know just the embracing and the kissing. They're like my best works of- they're like my best examples of art. It's like even though I'm a frustrated virgin, I can draw romance very well.

[Pause]

Chris: Yeah. I just- but- you know, a bunch of times I most but- like majority of- like most other people I'm random. And I'll uh, I'll never know what I'm gonna- sometimes I never know what I'm gonna do next. If I'm- um- what I mean I work out- I don't think- sometimes I don't think I feel. If I wanna do something to- just for the heck of it then I'll do it. But yeah, the comic is mostly intended for children.

Chris: But it's also like you know, it's- I'll figure that it's also like it's intention for like when they get older. Years later they're- they're in their teenage years and they're like uh, they're looking back at the earlier stuff and it's like "Oh that was so childish." But then it's like you know I- I added this uh- this- the uh, the T-rated or the- or adult materials I pretty much did. It's like uh, they could relate better- they could like relate to that in their adult- in their teenage and adult years. Just uh- just uh- just a small branch out, if you will.

[Pause]

Chris: More of a- I would say that uh, related to like what I would like in my romantic love life. Or like, you know, when I have my romantic relationship with my sweetheart. That's pretty much- I'm gonna be doing it. And also with that uh, also good advice for uh, those that don't know for themselves. Like I'm working on the dating education episode I was just telling Julie about a little bit. But yeah, that nine-year-old who wrote that book pretty much took the words out of my mouth, and then some, but mostly-

00:33:46 Julie Returns

Julie: I'm back, Mr. Chandler!

Chris: [Laughs] Oh that's- that was fun. I was just talking to Cogsdev uh, pretty much.

Julie: Ah, I see!

Chris: you know it's just-

Julie: So, did I miss anything important?

Chris: Ahh, not really. Just answered the- I just answered a couple of her questions.

Julie: Oh, alright. Wait, how did- huh. Oh, never mind. [pause] So I'm sorry I had to take a brief absence. My brother called me for help with something.

Chris: I see. Hmmm. I'm sure Cogsdev won't mind but I'm just gonna see if I can... how to do it here it says “kick and mute” I just want- I just want to move- oh, she moved herself. Okay. So, alright so, what did he want? You to help him with?

Julie: He just- he just wanted to help- me to help him with um, from the kitchen.

Chris: Oh. I see. That's good. Hmm.

00:35:10 Non-Sonichu Characters

Julie: Hmm. I just thought of another question while I was helping him in the kitchen.

Chris: Yes?

Julie: I noticed that all your characters are indeed- well, most of them are indeed Sonichus and Rosechus.

Chris: Yeah?

Julie: Do you plan to make any other characters that are not Sonichus and Rosechus? Like that character I gave to you earlier?

Chris: Hmm. Possibly. But you know that there are some, there are other animal characters outside that, the Sonichus and Rosechus, you know, there's Flame the Sunbird.

Julie: Yes there is him. I-

Chris: Of course we have the human characters.

Julie: Yes I know, but aside from them, do you plan on making any other non-Sonichu or Rosechu characters?

Chris: Yeah, possibly for like you know uh, one way or another hero villains, side characters, It just-

Julie: I look forward to it!

Chris: Time will tell. And uh... here's a thought, after uh, you move to uh, Virginia, and you come be- and you come be with me, then uh, it's like you could help me work on that. Create those characters.

Julie: I am pretty good at character design. I've made a few characters like the one you've seen before.

Chris: Yeah.

Julie: I wanna ask.

Chris: Hmm?

00:36:48 Monthly Tugboats

Julie: You said before that you do get money every month, is this not right?

Julie: Well, you must have more money than I. Can you try to come to Ohio sometime? Or would you prefer if I came to your house.

Chris: I'd rather uh, you came to my house. Cuz I just don't feel comfortable traveling long distances, uh by myself at least.

Julie: I guess, but I've never been in America myself either. I'm somewhat worried myself.

Chris: Best thing you can do to relive that tension is just to, take a deep breath, once in awhile, take your time. You know, quote unquote stop and smell the roses.

Julie: Alright I guess.

Chris: You know it's like, uh, you don't have to uh, be in a hurry to get from point A to point B. It's just like, you can space it out in- you can space it out in your own mind, at your own individual pace. As long as you go.

Chris: Hmm. Yeah this year. Or uh, I dunno. I'll tell ya what uh, it may be possible, but I might uh, be able to board you here if uh, board you here in my- board you here in my room until uh you get uh, until you get an apartment for yourself, you know? [Windows beeping] Until you get here.

00:38:42 Things Are Different in Molvanîa

Julie: Can I ask you something though?

Chris: Yeah.

Julie: In Molvanîa... men indeed do come to the womens houses first. But how things are different here? I figured that they have the same rules.

Chris: Well you know, same more or less. But it's like uh, most people are more comf- most men are more comfortable with uh, what they call a “Sadie Hawkins” situation because uh- alright yeah, Sadie- it's uh, pretty much just fictional character Sadie Hawkins, you can look her up on uh Wikipedia or something.

Julie: I think I will.

Chris: Yeah but, mostly it's like uh, no guy would- every- every guy was like afraid to uh, talk to her so, she pretty much did the asking of the guy- asking to the guys. And uh, they would most likely say yes but- yeah so, she pretty much started a trend of women asking the guys or going to them.

Julie: I see.

Chris: And I just, for a long while I felt more comfortable- more comfortable in a Sadie Hawkins situation.

Julie: Uh huhh.

Chris: Like you know uhhh, pretty much the women- pretty much the women coming to me that's uh, pretty much why during my in-person experiences, during my sweetheart search in the earlier years when I actually were, in- actually was in the lo- in the real life locations. I was waiting for the women to come to me. Cuz I was just shy and uncomfortable- I just was shy mostly.

Julie: But you don't need to be shy around me, you know me, you trust me completely, right?

Chris: Yeah. But still-

00:40:48 Don't Be Afraid

Julie: You shouldn't be scared.

Chris: Yeah, but also there's the uh, there's like role troubles and my fam- and my mom would- and my mom would worry and all that sort of- all that sort of-

Julie: [interrupting] my brother worries about my safety. You know, he doesn't want me to get hurt out there because the world is a mean place.

Chris: I hear- I hear you there.

Julie: Hmm. I'm still worried.

Chris: Sometimes you just gotta take a plunge. I mean, listen to me, talking like this. It's like I should be taking plunges for myself. Hmm. Here's some thing-

Julie: [interrupting] Well, I guess I could try.

Chris: I would appreciate that. I really would.

Julie: I- I will- I promise you right now, I just want you to know, that I will consciously try to get to Virginia in this year. I will try my very hardest.

Chris: Thank you. I want you to know I mean that from my heart. Thank you, Julie.

Julie: You are very welcome Chris. But again, I'm worried. What if Clyde- what if he attempts to rape me as he did with Panda? I'm worried. Worried for my own safety.

Chris: Yeah but uh, as long as you don't uh, put it on the Internet where you're currently living, then uh-

00:42:36 Clyde the Stalker

Julie: Yes but he's able to follow me. I think I've seen a car around my house- someone... someone Asian in it? I think Clyde is Asian, I'm worried. He looked in with an evil glare, I'm worried. I think it was half-Asian actually, I'm not really- I'm just really scared that if I try and leave my house that he's gonna do awful things to me. Awful horrible things to me! I'm scared Chris.

Chris: I hear you. I feel for you. I'd be scared too.

Julie: But I don't think! I- I don't think he'd rape you. Which is why I think maybe you should come- I apologize for the background noise, TV is on.

Chris: That's okay. Uhhh, but you- surely that guy cannot be out there all the time.

Julie: Yes but I see his car even at night. I have a feeling he may be stalking me but I don't know where he is and I'm scared to call anyone about it.

Chris: Well do you have his license plate number?

Julie: But Chris I- no I don't. But, I know Chris, that- you're tough Chris. I actually- I believe in you. You are the strongest person I've ever met. You're tough! I know you are. I know you've described yourself a couple times but, you are the strongest person I know. I know this! I want you to protect me Chris. Can I please trust you? With my life? Do you think that would be...

Chris: Alright you can trust- I'm- you can trust me to protect you.

Julie: Thank you Chris I apprecia [audio cut off]

Chris: Yes. I will protect you.

Julie: Yeah the TV is extremely loud. I should ask my brother to turn it down.

Chris: Yeah. I did notice in a- uhh- in a- in a trailer that, uh... apparently uh, the concept Camaro that Bumblebee was, uh... is in the game too.

Julie: Yeah I heard they're actually releasing uhh... I forget the exact name, but they're actually gonna... release the same car from Back to the Future.

Chris: Huh. That's interesting. By the way you know, I also do have the music video, uh- that was on the PlayStation Network for a limited time- uh, "Fast Car"...

Julie: Mmm.

Chris: Yeah. It's basic- I forgot who was the guy who... sang it, but I do uhh have the MP3 of it as well. But, anyway, in the beginning it's like- this person who has a PSP... he's getting a message from- from the guy doing the song... from his PlayStation 3... or his PSP or something like that. And then he gets into Burnout, then gets his license... does- a his video with, uh... car action and such. [Chris's voice fades out] I forgot how it... goes. [stress sigh] Mmm. I could send the video over the PlayStation Network I would, but apparently they only will allow you to send photos or... something like that- I don't know how to send videos.

Julie: Oh.

Chris: I do have it on my PlayStation 3.

[pause]

00:50:29 Oh Chris, You're The Master Of Subtlety

Julie: When- When I do go to Ruckersville, Virginia with you... I would love to play Guitar Hero with you... and Burnout, and all the games. I would love to just play for hours with you.

Chris: Come play. ... and maybe... you know, there may be... other things.

Julie: Heh!

Chris: Mmm. Other... fun things. [Chris has a lecherous tone to his voice]

Julie: I hear you!

Chris: Just- just each other on the couch... or on my bed.

Julie: I can't wait.

Chris: ...Yeah. [stress sigh] This point yeah. Pretty much, uhh... but don't quote me- um, I don't want you spreading it around and uh... well yeah, at this point, uh... eh... Sarah... Panda is gone. I'll just let her fly away right now... to uh... to Clyde, if she is going there, just let her fly- just let her- I'll just let her go. I'll give you my-

Julie: I'm real- I'm very sorry to hear Panda has left you. And after all this time and you loved her. And she would just leave you for that.

Chris: After you get here and we spend... plenty of time together and get to know each other in person.

Julie: I look forward to that, 100% Chris.

Chris: You've come so far. You'll be the uh- the wife- the one who actually made it.

00:52:51 Chris The Cherry Popp'n, Prematurely Ejaculating Machine!

Julie: Chris, can I ask you something?

Chris: Yeah?

Julie: Oh yeah. How do you think our first time would- [audio cut]

Chris: I'd do the best I can. [gives a nervous, scared laugh] Hopefully not prematurely ev-ejaculate.

Julie: Hope not! I wanna enjoy it as much as I can.

Chris: Uhh, certainly I would try my best to make it as... satisfactory as possible. I mean, I've watched a lot of pornography, educational... or, uh just... sets or uh, and I've learned from that.

Julie: I see. What position would you like best? Can I ask?

[pause]

Chris: I don't know. Cowgirl.

Julie: I've heard of it. I think I might enjoy it.

Chris: You're on top.

Julie: [giggle] Wait, how would I be on top?

Chris: I'm on my back-

Julie: Oh yeah, I remember.

Chris: Yeah. [pause] Mmm. So yeah, Julie, you know, come here as soon as possible... If you can make it by- if you can make it for even at least a visit... on my, by my, on my birthday... later this month... I would appreciate that.

Julie: Chris, I promise you, I will try my absolute hardest to visit you on your birthday.

00:58:20 Chris Admits To Probable Premature Ejaculation

Chris: Mmm. A'right yeah, then eventually yeah... You would pretty much, eventually uh, you might- you might get some of the premature stuff... at least that's like, out of the way. [inhales nervously]

Julie: We would continue after that, right?

Chris: I still have a lot more... I still got a lot more tiger in my tank. Rawr.

Julie: Me too.

Chris: Mmm.

Julie: Mmm.

00:58:54 Return to Ear Rape

Chris: Let's say we, uh... undress each other.

Julie: Yes. [Julie sounds bored]

Chris: I'll unhook your bra.

Julie: Mmm.

Chris: Then I would, uh... be... be marveling at your... at your... nipples.

Chris: [retard-o voice returns] In and ooooout, in and oooooout. It... feels good.

[retarded, incomprehensible stammering]

Chris: [more retarded voice] And pretty soon, and pretty soon the cowgirl... You're on top! You're on top of meeee... you're riding-

Julie: I would ride that so much.

Chris: -me, you're riding me hard.

Julie: Mmm hmm.

This is what Chris actually believes.

Chris: B-but then, but then... [Chris suddenly switches to his normal voice] By the way I would be wearing a condom. So like you know, so like you know I have no problem wearing it, so if I got inside you and be protected... or I could like pull it out, and go right all onto... your bosom. Or into your mouth. Whatever you want. I'll give you a pearl necklace, or I'll... feed it to ya.

Julie: Ahh.

Chris: What do you want. What is it you desire.

Julie: Maybe just... to have it. Maybe just to eat it, I suppose. You did say it would taste like strawberries.

Chris: That's because I would have eaten a bunch of strawberries beforehand.

Julie: Thank you so much Chris! That was a wonderful story. I hope that some day it will be a reality.

Chris: We'll soon see, won't we?

Julie: I hope so.

01:04:58 Getting in Contact IRL

Chris: Mmm. Is it possible you could take a picture of yourself... and send it to me in a PlayStation Network... message?

Julie: I will try and get a camera, yes!

Chris: I like that. Oh, by the way, uhh... you do have my phone number right?

Julie: Uhhm- not yet, but I haven't been able to get hold of a phone, only at my current workplace. I was a- I was pretty desperate to find a place to live so I wasn't able to actually get a phone yet. But I would love to have it, so I can call it once I get to that point where... I can get one.

Chris: A'right well uh, you have uh... a pencil and paper?

Julie: Uh huh, I do.

Chris: A'right well you can call me on my cell, it's uh... 760-0848, area code 434.

Julie: One more time please?

Chris: I should uhh start from the beginning, it's uh, (434) 760-0848.

Julie: I- [audio cut]

Chris: Got that?

Julie: Uh huh, indeed I did.

Chris: A'right, read that back to me.

Julie: A'right. [pause] (434) 760-088- sorry. (434), 76...0-084...8.

Chris: Yeah that's right.

Julie: Good.

Chris: After you get your phone, let me know your number... uh uh- message on the PlayStation Network at work-

Chris: [snorts, pause] I dunno, we just... be emotional and then... and then we make out some more. [laughs]

Julie: I look forward to it.

Chris: Yeah, let's be emotional in person, together, when it gets to that point.

01:08:06 Julie AFKs Out, Some Trolls Laugh

Julie: Yes. [pause] I'll be right back, Chris.

Chris: Okay, me too.

Julie: A'right.

[Sound of random junk being moved]

Julie: Umuhh- I'll be back in about five minutes.

Basement Rosechu: In addition, this partnership is a better [inaudible] ability, will allow you to [inaudible] for any reason. We are a rapidly changing market, and under- [Presumably, Chris tracks down the escaped rodent and murders her]

[Ominous silence]

Troll: [faint] Oh... god...! ...Huhuh... [This is presumably the unknown dude who appears later in the chat]

[Sound of typing]

[Silence]

[Giggling and slapping of thighs in the background]

Troll: [faint] What the... fuck.

01:09:42 Julie Returns, Chris's Parents

Julie: Chris?

Chris: Ahh- hang on a second, I gotta put my earphones back on. [pause] Okay, so you were say-

Julie: If I may ask?

Chris: Sorry, what?

Julie: Um-

Chris: Oh, you-y-y-

Julie: -would your parents mind?

Chris: My parents mind what?

Julie: If I came over to your house and we did the business? [pause] Would they mind? Would they be okay with it? I hope so.

Chris: Uhh, I think they're- I think they're- they're cool.

Julie: I would love to meet your father and mother.

Chris: Mmm. And I- and I would- Imma let them know about you as well. They're looking forward to meeting you as well. You know, in introduction.

Julie: Mmm? Can you say that again?

Chris: Mmm?

Julie: I didn't hear you.

Chris: Mmm. I said um- I'll tell- I'd talk to my mother, and let her know about uh you, and after you come over I'll be only too glad to uh, introduce you to the whole family.

Julie: I'm happy to see that- to hear that.

Chris: Mmm.

Julie: So Chris, mostly I've been talking about- mostly I've like been starting to talk... is there anything I can talk about? Anything I can answer for you?

01:11:34 The Future

Julie: Hmm, a'right. [pause] Hey Chris, how do you think your future will be like?

Chris: H-How do I think my future will be like?

Julie: Yes! Either yours or mine and yours.

Chris: Well uh you know, you know, for me at least you know, eventually, I would be married and... have my daughter named Crystal.

Julie: Hopefully you can be married to me, and I can be the mother. [pause] Chris, I would gladly be the mother to Crystal. Gladly.

Chris: A'right. Good. Unngh.

Julie: Would I be a housewife, Chris?

Chris: Hmm- we'll see, but uh, I was kinda hoping to be the house husband.

Julie: But I'm very good with children... and I can cook.. I can clean very well, too.

Chris: Uhh, we'll see what- we'll see what happens when the time- when the time is right, you know?

Julie: A'right. Do you think in the event that we- in the event that we do decide that I am the house... wife... maybe you could get a job? What job would you like to have? That's a good question, I would like to ask you.

Chris: Uhhm, I'm not certain... but at least you know, you're promising, 'cuz, you know, you're thinking that doctor's a good job...

Julie: Wait Chris, what about your CADD degrees? You could get a job with that, can't you?

Chris: Uhh... probably, but uh, not really sure at the moment.

Julie: Cuz Chris, the thing is, I really don't have an American high school diploma, I can't work.

Chris: Mmm.

Julie: I'm gonna *try* to get doctor, but it's not gonna be easy, you know?

Chris: Yeah, I hear ya'. Hmm. Oh, I will definitely give the question some thought. Plenty of thought.

01:13:58 Julie Tries To White-Knight Chris

Julie: Also, I'm really happy- I was looking at- I was looking at the Internet, I was happy to find out that there are a lot of things I can get online that I wasn't able to find in the Molvanîan stores. I was able to... I'd like to set up something called a PayPal, have you heard of it?

Chris: Yeah.

Julie: Hmm. It's pretty good! Maybe-

Chris: -Yeah.

Julie: I think I'll get one.

Chris: Uhh... I usually use Paypal for like, uh... paying or... receiving money for goods I sell on eBay.

Julie: I didn't realize you sold things on eBay.

Chris: Yeah, I did.

[Julie and Chris talk over each other]

Chris: Yeah uh, just various things I didn't need anymore. But it's like you know, it costs money to list- it costs money to list on eBay, and you would have to have a bank account linked to the PayPal account...

Julie: Ahh.

Chris: But it's like you know- knows, it- so then it knows, so they know where to send the money to or take the money from.

Julie: Chris, I thought of something that might be able to get you money.

Chris: Hmm?

Julie: Hey- what if you advertised Sonichu? And, it would gain popularity, and you could sell merchandise... you wouldn't need Nintendo, you could just sell it!

Chris: Mmm... I don't know about that, uhhm-

Julie: I think it's a good idea, you really should advertise. Like, in your neighborhood. Maybe in Ruckersville.

Chris: Umm... I'll give that some thought. I'll give that some thought. [pause] I'm not making any promises, I'm not making any promises, but I will gi- I will definitely... greatly consider it.

Julie: Could I consider something, Chris?

Chris: Yes.

Julie: Maybe- you could go outside, do a meet-and-greet. Just walk around Ruckersville and meet a lot of people. Say- just be nice to them and tell them about Sonichu, the popularity will indeed grow.

Chris: [pause] That's something-

Julie: They'll tell their friends.

Chris: That's something that... in addition... I can think about.

Julie: I really hope you do, cuz', I really wanna see Sonichu become a main brand- maybe even a video game to come out, something I can play on my PS3. It would be wonderful.

Chris: Yeah. But you know what's uhh- more wonderful? Or what will be more wonderful?

Julie: What? What?

Chris: You being here.

Julie: I would hope that too. Sadly, the economy is not letting that happen easily. I've said before, I'm tr-

Chris: Yeah.

Julie: -trying very, very hard to get over there.

Chris: And your efforts will be greatly rewarded when you come.

Julie: Chris, I... since. Hmm. I figure you should try and do something. You need to prove to Nintendo that Sonichu is a great idea. I know that as far as what I've heard, they aren't exactly-

Chris: Yeah, actually... they agreed- they uh, they did, uh, you've heard- they've acknowledged that it is a great idea, but because I was unable to uh make the trip, because I could not afford it- afford the trip- said trip myself, to uh Redmond from Virginia, I mean, even on an airplane, or even in- or even on a- road trip...

01:17:49 Julie's Redmond Plan

Julie: Well Chris, I have like- a step by step plan on what you can do. You can save up for a couple of months, step one. Step two, reserve a cheap airline ticket that can get you to Redmond. Second, bring a trusted friend along- maybe you can get a-hold of Cole Smithey, perhaps?

Julie: Weeell, I think we could try that, but I-I don't think it'll be in the near future if we try that...

Chris: Yeah-

Julie: But by all means...

Chris: It's uh, gonna be a while before we can uh, save up enough money to uh, actually... save up e- save up like... $800 for like a pair of tickets.

Julie: I don't think it'll be $800... I think it'll be something... maybe like $500? I'm not sure? But- I'm not positive...

Chris: Well, time will tell.

Julie: Well, a couple of months and... you know. You can get there. They'll reimburse you, so it won't be a big loss- maybe-

Chris: Yeah.

Julie: -maybe you can get Sonichu made. You have to assert yourself, as I've said before.

01:19:22 More On Nintendo

Chris: Yeah... but it's also- but it's also like you know uh, I thought, I thought yeah- pretty much uh, Reggie Fils-Aimé uh, pretty much gave me a pretty much- a very aggressive talk down to about... the project's cancellation.

Julie: Hmm. Though Reggie is... the big cheese of Nintendo, you should try-

Chris: Yeah-

Julie: -You should try... showing to Reggie that... you are just as capable... as anyone else at Nintendo.

Chris: You are only... a single, solitary soul. With only as much power as the next one. You are only- you are only trying to talk down to me... and scare... me... and Julie, because you yourself are-

Julie: -he IS scaring me!

Clyde: Yes, and you totally protected S-Sarah, didn't you?

Julie: [frightened] Chris, he knows where I live! He says he's gonna kill me! He has-

Clyde: Of course I know where you live.

[pause]

01:28:03 Chris Stands Up To Clyde

Chris: All you're trying to do is just... make yourself- all you're trying to do is- trying to up yourself... make yourself feel superior, when clearly you are not.

Clyde: Clearly I am. I mean, come on. You can't even... tell me- you said you would like... fight me or something, you said you would inflict pain- c'mon man, you can't even like, I don't know, I don't know, like, any. I'm a little tired right now. Huh. I'm lost for words. There's-There's is no way to describe how pathetic you are. There is no way describe how pathetic you are.

Chris: You know what? You calling me pathetic is calling yourself... pathetic. You're about as pathetic as you are describing me as pathetic.

Clyde: ...what.

Chris: You're the pathetic one. [pause] 'cuz you called me the pathetic one.

Clyde: Wow, you really are autistic, aren't you.

Chris: I may be high functioning autistic... but I know... the mindset of the majority of people individually. I have seen [Windows beeping] a lot... in my lifetime. I have seen so much. [pause] And you are trying to scare me... with your own... infe-with your own... inferiority... and slow wit.

Clyde: Hehe, more like you need to be put in an institution. Hehe. I mean, you're obviously delusional- you really believe... that you- that you can smite me- and that you can stop me, with your words... you really think that.

Chris: I don't just think that... but I am confident.

Clyde: You say that you know that- that's just confidence. I know that Julie will be DEAD tomorrow.

Chris: And I know... that you... are already dead inside.

Clyde: Yes, I've been dead inside for quite some time, you were right about something. But I'm still living... in this little body of mine... and I will take Julie's... tomorrow.

Clyde: -she's a nice woman, she deserves to live. You don't, Chris- you don't deserve to live.

Chris: A'right if you've got the guts to say that, why don't you come over to my house in Ruckersville Virginia, you bastard?

Clyde: Why should I? I'd be making the game too easy. And I... why don't you come to me?

Chris: Oh. I could easily come to you. But the question is, are you... are you, so called, brave enough to actually come to the man who you think you could take down easily... but you obviously fear so much.

Clyde: You know the point of me doing this is so that you come to me, you do know that right?[pause] What, are you going to hide behind your parents? Your mother and father will protect you- is that what's going to happen?

Chris: ...do not interrupt me, because I was at a trail of thought. [pause] Without me, your rage goes on without a point.

Clyde: W-Well yeah, that's the point. My rage will die when you die. That's... kind of the point.

Chris: And then what would you do?

Clyde: And then I could feel at peace.

01:35:05 Clyde's Backstory...

Chris: You would feel at peace, huh. Yet I bet- that actually you could say the same thing about somebody else who probably has abused you in your lifetime.

Clyde: No.

Chris: You said you ran away from home.

Clyde: Yeah.

Chris: Was it something- was it- did you run away from home because your mother, or your father, or maybe both of them... was- was uhh, abusing you?

Clyde: It was nothing like that, it was for a girl. That was a pretty bad lead in my opinion, but I've gotten over that. I'm here. And I want to do something terrible. I should write down my plan, right now.

Chris: You just leave- you leave her alone. You let- you let- you let her live, you leave her... physically unharmed. Cuz, just as easily, I can call the police on you.

Clyde: A'right, do it. [inaudible]

Chris: I will tell 'em the whole story. About you, and Ryan, and uh- what you did... they can- they can and will find you.

Clyde: Well, a'right, look. My actual house is in Australia, a'right? But you're not gonna find anything there- you're just gonna find... woo. A bunch of weed I left back there, okay? I mean, you're gonna hide behind the police... and that's not gonna do anything because, you know, I am in America so- they aren't gonna do anything.

Chris: Yeah well, let me ask you something. How could you afford... a trip to... Australia and back with every fare you could go quickly.

Clyde: It's called an inheritance. An inheritance. An inheritance.

Chris: You ran away from home, how did you inherit something?

Clyde: Of course, I'm not a stupid person. I made up with my parents before they mysteriously died for some reason.

Chris: Oh- *I'M* the one who jumps to conclusions? Well you jump to- you jump to conclusions of me being uncapable of doing anything.

01:39:46 Chris Won't Leave His Filthy Shithole

Clyde: You are uncapable [sic] of doing anything, I know that. [pause] What, am I right? Am I right? Just admit it. [pause] Oh God- every single woman, you wanted them to come to your house, you wanted... Sarah to come to your house, you wanted Julie to come to your house, you are so lazy- why don't you leave your house? And drop a few pounds.

Julie: God, stop it! That's enough!

Clyde: It's true isn't it, Julie, though? Is it true?

Julie: No it's not, you're lying, stop it!

Clyde: He is lazy. He's not going to come to you, you have to come to him- you have to sacrifice everything. He just sits at home and... you know... plays his PS3.

Julie: You're lying!

Clyde: -plays his PS3. Isn't that right?

Julie: Stop it!

Chris: Yes, you are lying.

Julie: Stop it!

Chris: Listen-

Clyde: -I'm right!

Julie: He IS lying.

Chris: Yeah, listen. Listen Clyde- if I could, I would come to- come to Julie personally, I would. But I have a lot at stake here. I leave- if I leave my house... a-and I mean, I don't know Julie's address. I don't know where she is right now. A-An if I had... and if I had- if I uh, had the address, I would most definitely go to her because she is- [incomprehensible stammering, stress sigh] -she would be there... to accept me. And let me in.

Julie: Chris?

Chris: Yeah?

Julie: I know... I know that I said I would like you to come to me, but... I feel it would be better for you if I went to your house. That was my decision. I would... like to go to your place.

Julie: What do you think about what I said? Do you agree with what I said Chris?

Chris: Y-yeah. I-I hear you, Julie.

Julie: Thank you.

Chris: Y-yeah. Anyway. You are small... [stress sigh] You think you can talk down... to anybody. You feel superior. When clearly, you are not. So therefore, you are definitely the small one in this room.

Clyde: Why am I pathetic? That I actually went out the world, saw everything...

Chris: I-It's because-

Clyde: -instead of playing my PS3.

Chris: Because you stooped so low... to try and hurt other people, to try and make yourself feel better. That... is pathetic. Thinking that... hurting others... will compensate for anything, for the better, when clearly it does not.

Troll: [whisper] AOmm...

01:44:23 Chris Tries To Monologue Clyde To Death

Chris: All it does is just... [whisper] hurts... [normal] the other people, and it hurts yourself further... because... you hurt... others, against God's will, and you can only... try to tone that pain down... with your own self abuse... in your- with your- in your own... weed... and whatnot. That- that's just sad. You have my PITY. [pause] You have my pity, Clyde. And I'm sorry that- I'm sorry that Ryan... committed suicide over the one mistake I made in protest of that ED page... but you do not need to harm anybody, you do not need to kill anybody, because all that will do is just hurt yourself further. Because after your- after your supposedly... you supposedly did this revenge act, then what would you do? You don't- you don't know. But you say yourself, that you will be at peace-

Clyde: Chris, you know all about harming others. You harm people every day. Your parents have to support you, every single day, they hurt inside. They hurt so much.

[pause]

Chris: I know they hurt. And I feel their pain.

Clyde: You are the CAUSE of their pain. They probably regret birthing you every single day.

Chris: They do not. They appreciate it. They appreciate every moment. They have put so much time and effort in me- transforming me from... a mental nu- a mental case... to a- to a social pers- to a social butterfly... who can do s- who can do so much more than any other low-functioning autistic person can ever do. And for one thing? If they had not raised me the way they did, I would not be on the Internet, talking to... all the people I have been talking to. I am a warrior in my own rights and my own personality.

Clyde: So that's why your parents got you that babysitter... to GIVE you your autism in the first place, isn't it?

[pause]

Julie: Clyde, I think that's enough.

Clyde: No, I want him to answer this.

Chris: It's okay Julie. They did not know better about the babysitter. How could they?

Clyde: Alright.

Chris: Nobody but- It's not like uh, they knew the mindset of the babysitter. Nobody knows the mindset of any individual right off the bat. They have to get to- They have to actually take a little time to see inside them for how good or bad a person they are. And that takes a lot of time and energy. And my mother and father, in my lifetime, saw so much good in me, and all- I have been- and all I have shown for them was a lot of- was a lot of equal good. Some mistakes were made, yes. And I will not deny it, but I appreciate my mother and father, every day of my life. Because without them, I would not be a mainstream socially acceptable kind of man that I am today.

Clyde: He said your parents, Bob and Barbara, met at a bar. And they concepted you out of a drunken stupor.

Chris: What.

Clyde: Your parents birthed you because they were drunk. They didn't know what they were doing.

Chris: They were not-

Clyde: gave birth to a failure like you.

Chris: Listen, they were not drunk. They were-

Clyde: Ask them about it. Cole Smithey told you years ago to ask them about it but you never did, did you? Why don't you go ask them?

01:49:20 Sex in the City, you Faggot

Chris: You listen to me. Drunk or not, they had me. At an old age where my mother was so close to menopause and my father was a senior citizen. It- I was truly a miracle. It's like, I'm just like a man with only one ball and a woman with only one ovary. Which by the way, I picked that up from an episode of Sex in the City.

Clyde: Wuh- that's nice that you watch Sex in the City. You faggot. Anyway, ahhh-

Chris: Anyway-

Clyde: Sex in the City is for girls, you do know that right?

Chris: I feel that- that shows that are supposedly aimed for girls are- are best- are best set for- are best viewable by those of both genders. Because men can attribute very well- very- in a positive way emotionally from such emotionally enriching programs. And also, less wars would be caused if men were more emotionally [audio break] -iked as such- more emotionally caring and understanding. Like women are.

01:50:51 War!

Clyde: You do know wars have been caused for political reasons, not because men don't care. It's not about “ease of mental understanding feelings”, it's because of political gain. Power and corruption. What is wrong with you?

Chris: [sigh] Those people who have fought for power are clearly, were clearly not very well off themselves because they had to hide behind power themselves. So many people hid behind- hide behind one thing or another. I don't have to hide behind anything to prove myself. Anything or anyone.

[Julie makes moaning noises in the background as Chris talks]

Clyde: You do know that uh, even Hitler had a girlfriend?

Chris: Yes, I have heard that.

01:51:53 Chris sucks

Clyde: My god Chris. Do you not understand? You are pathetic. Completely pathetic. Apparently- I'm surprised you managed to get three women interested in you. And yet you're not going to do anything. Come on Julie. If you stick with this man you will be making the worst mistake of your life.

Chris: Wu- well-

Julie: That's not true!

Clyde: Name three redeeming qualities that Chris has.

Julie: There are too many to name! There are so many, I would have to make a lot of paragraphs all about them. And every quality he has is why I like him. And love him. So step off.

Chris: Scientifically speaking it has possibly come from a drug, or otherwise it may possibly be genetic.

Clyde: [furious] Then why do you say a babysitter did it?! That's not drugs or uh, whatever the other thing you said. Genetics!

Chris: The ba- ba- stop. The babysitter locked me in a room by myself. Without anybody else to play with or socially interact with. That's just, that's just a real-life event that brought out the uh, curse that was buried within me. From the genetics, or the uh, medication.

Clyde: Stop lying to me. You don't have autism, you're just using it as an excuse to blame all your problems.

Chris: I have- I have medical papers I have, that prove- that prove that I was- that I did have autism. That's-

01:53:57 Suddenly Chris loses the plot

Chris: Believe it or not, I was in my mother's arms, and there was a woman witness aside from my mother, and I said “monkey”.

Clyde: [laughing] Are you sure you didn't say “McDonald's”?

Chris: I was trying to say mommy, but instead I said monkey.

Clyde: Okay. If you get a real diagnosis, like now, you know what they'll call you? They'll just call you an idiot. Cuz that's what you are. You don't have autism, don't blame it on that.

Chris: You're right. I don't have to blame everything on autism. But I am and was- I was at least. And I am a man, and I have recovered beyond- from beyond that. I have come out of my own autistic shell. And have- and have conquered so many boundaries that any low-functioning autistic person would only be too scared to leap over.

Clyde: [Enraged] They are not scared! What is wrong with you?! They have actual mental issues! You don't!

Chris: Right, they were inhibited. But I have conquered my inhibitions. You're right, I should not have to blame my autism. Because clearly I have conq- clearly I have overcome it.

Clyde: You didn't overcome anything. You were just lazy from the start. You didn't want to make friends, you just said “Oh they're gay, I don't want to be their friend”. You know high-functioning autism is a lie, it's a complete lie.

Chris: It may be a lie from your point of view,

Clyde: It's not a point of view, it's fact, it's fact.

Chris: Maybe from your point of view, but-

Clyde: I just said not point of view! It's a fact.

Chris: It may be. But it describes an origin.

01:56:37 The terrible truth of High-Functioning Autism

Clyde: Look- look it up yourself! Look up high-functioning autism. Who actually agrees with it? No one! Only actual autism or that Asperger's thing, but no such thing as high-functioning autism. No such thing.

Chris: [sigh, pause]

Clyde: As I said, get a real diagnosis! Now! And see what they say about you.

Chris: I may consider that.

Clyde: Don't consider it, do it. I want you to know the truth. Maybe then I won't hurt Julie. We'll make a deal. I won't hurt her if you just do my demands. And they're simple demands, not crazy stupid ones.

Julie: Chris, please.

Clyde: What's that Julie? You want him to do it?

Julie: I just want you to leave me alone Clyde!

Clyde: I will! If Chris does what I ask.

Chris: Alright. I will see- I will look into getting a more updated diag- analysis of my autism.

Clyde: Chris, that means that I think you're gonna be lying again. And you know how much I hate lies.

Chris: Clyde, I tell you nothing but the truth.

Clyde: You have been lying this whole time.

Chris: Well, as far as my autism goes, we shall soon see. I will find somebody to test me, and we will soon see what it says on the paper.

Clyde: Okay. Look it up on Wikipedia. High-functioning autism, right now. I want you to look that up. Alright?

Chris: Fair enough.

Clyde: See the part were it says “Classification”? It's not a recognized diagnosis.

[annoying loud clattering as Chris types]

Chris: I'm typing it.

Clyde: -As said in the 1980s as a crazy voodoo economics blah blah blah. Okay? You get a real diagnosis. This to why. This it doesn't exist anymore, today's society.

Chris: Hmm, say that again?

Clyde: Read the part where it says classification. Read it. Read it to me. If you can read.

Chris: It says here it's not a recognized diagnosis in the DSM, oh, Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.

Clyde: Exactly! It's not recognized.

Chris: Hmm.

Clyde: So do you know what that means Chris?

Chris: [brief pause] Give me a moment and I will answer that question. I wish to read further in this document.

Clyde: It's a simple sentence with simple comprehension! It's not a- it's not a recognized diagnosis. So what does that mean? That they diagnosed you with something that doesn't exist!

[All quiet on the Weston front. Finally Chris speaks.]

Chris: Alright. From this, from the one sentence, in this said I was never with a mental block.

Clyde: Exactly. You never had a mental block.

Chris: Fine. I agree.

Clyde: Now why do you blame everything on your autism when you don't have it? What was really stopping you Chris?

[Very long pause, approximately fifty seconds. Occasional typing in the background.]

Clyde: Maybe you should... make a video... to your so-called fans. Maybe that'll help you stop me. You think that'll stop me? No, it won't.

Chris: Mmm. A'right, so what- so to answer your question... the only thing that was stopping- the only thing that was stopping me from... this, was... because I was- I was- I was less able to... interpret non-verbal cues.

Clyde: W-W-What are you talking about. Look, I mean, come on man- you're 26 years old, you live with your parents, and now you don't have this mental block- what are you gonna blame it on? You can't get it- you don't have a job, I-I-even if you were given all the money in the world, you wouldn't be able to figure out how to rent an apartment. You wouldn't even know how to cook, you don't know how to clean, you are a pathetic excuse for a man.

02:03:09 Chris is Educated On Cooking, Living in Filth

Chris: Sir! I will have you know that in high school I took two home economics classes, so I am very well educated- so I am educated on cooking. And, I have been cleaning... a whole bunch of cat poo. As well as some cat pee. And recently, when I overflowed a commode I had to clean some of the wat- a little bit of the water that ha- that was on the floor, with 409 and paper towels. Aaand I am capable-

[Clyde appears to have some kind of laughter based seizure in the background]

Chris: I am capable of loading the washing- the uh, washing machine, with clothes of a white- or a colored... and put in some laundry d- and put in some laundry detergent from... a single cup... out of a whole box, close the lid, and start the washing machine. And then transfer everything to the drier... and start the drier. And also I am capable of loading the dishwasher... with the dishes... on the bottom and the cups- and the cups and the mugs on the top rack... putting some powdered detergent in there... and starting the dishwasher. I am also capable of uh... using of a- hand washing the uh dishes, the cloth- the wash- the- the dish cloths and such... I am also capable of uh, taking the garbage bags out of the garbage can... and putting an empty garbage bag into the garbage can... and taking the garbage- taking the garbage bag... taking the bags full of garbage up to the top of the hill, to be burned in the barrel. And also, the cans will be- will be- will be in the c- will be in the bags, and they go to the recycling facility.

[Chris seems very impressed with his remarkably mundane list of abilities]

Clyde: Congratulations! You can do anything that a normal person can do. I con- [sound of windows beeping in the background] -gradulate you. [pause] Lemme tell you something- you need two classes to tell you how to do that? God- you can't support yourself, you can't- you can't support a family. God you make me so angry.

[pause]

Chris: Mmm. Tell me, why do I make you angry?

Clyde: Because you are a pathetic excuse for a man. And I'm trying to protect these women, with, you know, whatever I have to do to get them away from you. That is why Sarah is no longer talking to you. I have convinced her that you are a pathetic excuse for a man, you can't do anything.

Chris: Hmm.

Clyde: And so far you haven't proven otherwise- you still live with your parents, you still don't have a job, you failed to go to Nintendo- I mean God, that was a golden opportunity and you failed miserably. So what do you have to say to that.

[pause]

02:06:22 Paging Mr Floyd, Your Wall Is Back

Chris: I did not have the money to... make the trip, but-

Clyde: Because you do not have a job.

Chris: No, because- no, it was because I was compulsive with spending. And I did not... have enough saved at the moment. But I am s- but I am saving-

Clyde: How much do you have m- how much money do you have saved at the moment? How much money do you have saved, from what you get from the government. That's it. If you had a job, you would have plenty of money to go. You know that $300 is... barely anything for someone with a job.

Chris: $300 dollars. You're thinking I get $300 a month...

Clyde: You would get well more than that if you HAD A JOB! [Clyde sounds enraged]

Chris: [smug] I got news for you. I heard I'd get $800 a month.

Clyde: [Clyde begins to crack] God you- [Windows beeping] get- way more than $800 a month IF YOU HAD A JOOOOB.

[pause]

This is what Clyde is arguing against.

Chris: And it increases with every... year... on my birth month.

Clyde: You do realize that people make thousands more a month, with something called- [deep intake of breath] A JOOOOOOB!

Chris: I am aware of that. But I just do not feel... at the time... that I need to be... in a job, because, I am getting the money from the social security... and my fath- and my father's assured me that it's more than- that it's more than anyone can make... in a jooooob...

Clyde: Are you- are you- are you an IDIOT!? You could EASILY make more than $800 a month with a JOOOOOB. Look- I'm pretty sure you could make more on minimum wage!

Chris: Well that's just, pretty much, shows what you know. Have you ever had a job?

Clyde: Of course. I've had [sic] one right now. A driving job. Where I drive people around tonnes of places. Sure, gas is expensive, but I make more than enough. And I love driving, it's my favorite thing- [Clyde's voice becomes stalkerish] I love it so much.

Chris: I mean- lemme- lemme ask. Limo... or taxi?

Clyde: It's my own, personal, driving business.

Chris: I see. Hmm.

02:08:44 Chris's Skills

Clyde: You can make your own job. If it's a service people want. Which is more than I can say for [inaudible], there's tons of people without cars. And I get get them places. So Chris- what are your skills? What can you do?

[significant pause]

Chris: Actually I'd say basically I'm... all-round. But you see, that's a problem- I have too many... skills that I am good at. You might say-

Clyde: [Clyde seems naturally incredulous and angry] If you're so good at them, then get a job in ANY ONE of those skills. C'mon!

Chris: You might- you might say I'm a jack of all trades... and master of none.

Clyde: Then get something with minimum wage- c'mon man, that is th- that is the worst excuse I've ever heard. [Clyde adopts a mocking tone] I'm too GOOOOD for all these things, I'm not gonna get a job! [normal voice] That is the worst excuse I've ever heard.

[pause, large amount of background noise and static]

Chris: I am cap- I am capable... and willing... to get a job... whenever I want to. But I just want to make sure that I have a job where I would feel... most comfortable- most comfortable... with [Windows beeping], where I would feel- where I would not feel that I was being... pigeoned-holed for my skills... and that I was making fu- that I was making good use of my uh- skills as well. And-

Clyde: No you don't.

Chris: And defin- and also... make enough- make if possible, over a thousand a month.

Clyde: You could easily make over a thousand a month. I mean, Christ man, you have two degrees in this CAAAAAAAAD thing, right?

Clyde: You've got time. Send it to me. You know my e-mail- you know, GREGG MAYS- with three g's. And what else have you done with your degree?

[pause]

Chris: I have put more perspective into my artwork. And my creativity.

Clyde: What do you get from your artwork? NOTHING. You don't get money from your artwork.

Chris: Maybe not, but it was uh- but it is- it is something that is capable of... enjoying. At my own personal pace.

02:11:41 Clyde Loses It

Clyde: No- I am also capable of enjoying blowjobs, okay? But doesn't mean- I CAN'T MAKE MONEY OFF THAT. [pause, quietly] In fact that costs me.[normal] But ANYWAY. [dramatic] What... can you do... that makes... MONEY. You are a PARASITE on America's teat [inaudible]. You just LEACH off the government, getting money that- those who- money just because you're autistic- WHICH YOU ARE NOT. You're just leaching off the government. [pause] People with actual jobs support your lazy arse.

[pause]

Chris: I am capable of... standing up... and supporting myself, wh- when I am... when I am ready to. But I like to feel like I-

Clyde: [exploding] You're 26 years old, WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE NOT READY?!

Chris: I like to feel like I have a woman by- by my side to help me make sound decisions. [digital sound in the background] At the right time.

Clyde: Spoiler alert: you're never going to get a woman. [pause] You know what? You wouldn't even like it-

Julie: Yes he will! Me!

Clyde: Be quiet. I'm talking, Julie. I'm trying to tell you-

Julie: No!

Clyde: -how pathetic he is, you need to see what this man-

Julie: No! No!

Clyde: -is the worst mistake of your life!

Julie: You're a jerk!

Clyde: No- no. I'm trying to help him. You know my cousin Vivian? She's been trying to help this fool... and guess what? Nothing has worked. [Clyde stammers uncontrollably] -get actual help. What have you done, Chris- WHAT HAVE YOU DONE.

Chris: She is helping me grab a more s- stable, s-sense in my mind, and capable of uh understanding... [another, identical digital sound] p-pieces of my... pieces... around here and there.

Clyde: That doesn't make SENSE! See an ACTUAL psychologist.

[pause]

Chris: Mmm. Well. She may- she is- she may not have a degree in psychology, but I feel that her work is greatly... greater that w-w-w-wait a minute, lemme rephrase that. [muttering] Gimme a moment... [sharp intake of air, normal voice] She is... wonderful. And... certainly more than any... $25 an hour-per-visit psychologist can do. And I have seen a $25 dollar an hour psychiatrist... Dr Price. I forgot his first name.

[Chris confuses a psychologist, someone who simply counsels their patient, with a psychiatrist; someone who can provide the aforementioned council but may also prescribe powerful anti-psychotic and anti-convulsive medication. Reference: http://depression.about.com/cs/psychotherapy/f/psychologist.htm . It's interesting to wonder which one he actually saw, especially since the name of the doctor on his autism papers isn't Price, it's probably not the same doctor. As for the first name of the doctor who treated him, all signs point to Douglas.]

Clyde: And what did this... Price guy... do?

Chris: When I was... when I was required by Piedmont Virginia Community College... or more specifically, the real life Mary Lee Walsh... to uh, see Dr Price... he helped me sort out some anger management i- sort out some anger management issues I had... at that time. And also allowed me to- and also helped me... in... putting my sweetheart search in perspective. And how to improve on that... and I think uh, that from his help I was able to uh... more comfort- more comfortably at my own pace actually make some good- make a good- good number of gal-pals and then find uh, and then eventually find one that uh, would be my true sweetheart.

Clyde: Chris used that insult a while ago. That- insults do nothing. I'm citing some real life things I know about Chris, and I'm using it against him, I mean- you say that ED page is full of lies but every single thing on it is true. I know the people there. I know who Blanca is. [whisper] I know all these people. [normal] Yet you seem... urgh. You think that ED twists your words around- they're YOUR WORDS. People are just interpreting as such.

Chris: [smug] Exactly. MIS-interpreting them.

02:16:27 Chris Doesn't Know Why Megan Left

Clyde: They are YOUR WORDS. I mean, why do you think Megan left? Why do you think Megan left.

[long pause]

Some of Chris's tender honesty.

Chris: I CAN answer that... and I am just try- and I am trying to think- and I am thinking... of a good way... to phrase it. In my own a- in my own honest and humble opinion. [long pause] Simply put I was... very- I was... emotional. And I tried to outreach- I tried to reach out for her in an emotional sense... with... tender- with tender honesty... and uh... a gentle... hand on the shoulder... apparently I got to close. And she felt uncomfortable, and she just forced me away.

Chris: That was... after the ED page, and I did that in protest against it.

Clyde: [angry] That doesn't even make sense! You drew that out of your... God, I don't even know- wanna think... sexual deviant. That is why Megan left you, because you are way too fucking creepy for her. She put up with you for two years while you touched her and... GOD, I don't wanna think about it. So for two years she put up with you. And what do you do? You draw a picture of you having sex with her.

Chris: For your information, it's hard to tell, because... I had her- I had her eyes... censored. Just like you would see on any television... program. Of-

Clyde: Chris-

Chris: -that sort.

The Crumple-lope, or as the State of Virginia will one day refer to it as, 'Exhibit A'. This is where the remains of Chris's horrible drawing presumably lie.

Clyde: You... told her. That it was her. She knew that it was you. It's just between you, and Megan- it doesn't have anything to do with anyone else, that ED, no trolls, [inaudible] -have lost, whatever. It's between you and Megan. You screwed it up. You're the only one to blame.

Chris: Yes. I made the mistake. I do not deny it. And I blame myself for uh, having drawn that picture. In fact... I have actually done it up into bits and pieces, and I have the pieces tucked away in a crumple-lope [sic. Presumably he means envelope.]. That one drawing.

Clyde: You know what? That's an improvement. That is something of an improvement. But that still doesn't make up for everything else you've done.

Chris: [massive stress sigh] I will not-

Clyde: Lemme tell you something. Why do you hate gay people? You know [voice goes to a whisper] my cousin is the biggest... lesbian. [normal voice] So why do you hate them?

[pause]

Chris: That is... I just do. I have had the bad experiences, against... I forget his last name at the moment. But- he was the Principal at- Oh yes. Doctor Johnson of Nathanael Greene Elementary. The principal. He was a h- he was uh, the homo... that pretty much set me against... the homos and further kept me on the straight path. And plus, if I was ever a ho- if I was ever- if I ever, if I were ever... had any attractions to the men, then I would be uh- more inclined to associate with them, but I have rarely associated with a man. I've felt more comfortable with the women. And-

After Chris told Alec about Principal Johnson, it was parodied in Asperchu.

[Clyde talks over Chris]

Clyde: Chris, that is a lie. That is a lie.

02:20:15 Chris Stacks Lies On Lies

Chris: I've felt more attracted... to...

Clyde: Chris, did you watch the Super Bowl?

Chris: I did not watch the Super Bowl.

Clyde: With your male friends- COME ON. Just because they're your friends doesn't mean it has to be GAY.

Chris: I guess-

Clyde: Just because one. Bad. Person. Just ruined it, doesn't mean every single person is bad. Just like Mary Lee Walsh is a terrible woman doesn't mean all women are bad, right?

Chris: I guess... [pause] Yes. I agree with you with that statement.

Clyde: [annoyed] So why do you hate them so much?

Chris: I never really said... that I hated them. That is another misinterpretation-

Chris: Okay well, okay, I was misunderstood. I may have chosen a wrong choice of words.

Clyde: [furious, quoting Chris] I HATE THEM. HOW... ELSE...! HOW CAN YOU MIS- DAAAAAAGOD! That is just BLATANT HATRED. That is just blatant hatred.

Chris: It was obviou-

Clyde: Then why did you-

Chris: It was obviously misplaced rage.

Clyde: For a thing that happened to you years ago.

Chris: Yes.

Clyde: You can't blame- you blame that principle all you want, I agree with you on that. If they feed you something terrible, then that's fine. But way you can hate EVERY. SINGLE. PERSON.

Chris: You are right! I do not hate every single... person. I mean, I will respect... and only respect... my fellow maaan. And, pretty much acquaint to [sic]... only friends- only friends with a man. I am willing to associate... with my- with my fellow man. [pause] But fo- but fortunately God has blessed me with a majority of female friends, to show me that... to show me how to get to [sic] more in touch with my emotions because... if you- if you notice in the definition of autism, defini- er- er-... [stress sigh] We have- we autistics have a lack... in the uh non-verbal... non-verbal communications and misinterpreting them... and with that we are unable-

Clyde: [furious again] I JUST SAID YOU WEREN'T AUTISTIC. You aren't! That is a lie! You're- [Windows beeping] blaming autism AGAIN.

Chris: I am not blaming my autism. I'm just describing... a couple of traits among the autistic people.

02:23:23 Clyde Demands A Video

Clyde: A'right. Listen to me- I'll give you a two day reprieve. Just make a video to YouTube. Three minutes, proclaiming your love for men. how gay you are, and I'll give you a three day break. You try to save Julie. Well I guess [inaudible] or something. If you don't do it within the next-

Julie: Wait- wait!

Clyde: THREE hours... I will- w-well, we'll see Julie's funeral... in a few weeks, then. A'right? You understand me?

Julie: Oh god-!

Chris: -you shut up-

Julie: -oh GOD!

Chris: Clyde, you shut up. I'm straight.

[Clyde, Julie and Chris all talk at once; this is all I can make out]

Chris: I will never be-

Clyde: -make a video to YouTube, I will destroy your image.

Julie: Chris, I think he means it!

[They stop talking over each other]

Clyde: And if you don't do it? I will... I don't wanna kill Julie. Just... maybe just cut off an arm.

02:25:14 What's It Gonna Be?

[Chris retardedly misunderstands the question. He was being asked which he would SAVE, not which he would SACRIFICE. Clyde begins to laugh hysterically.]

Clyde: So you're gonna- you're going to heeeh... let her lose her aaarm-

Chris: [annoyed] No, I said I would sacrifice-

Clyde: -oooh what the fuuuuck!

Chris: [screaming] SHUT UP! [normal] I'm sacrificing my image.

Clyde: Ahhh. Okay. I thought you were THAT pathetic, for just a second. But you're a little bit above pathetic. Which I haven't come up for a word for that yet. Okay- three hours. Three minutes. If I don't see it then, I'll make some plans. And I feeear-

Chris: Charles[sic?]- specifically what you want me to say in the video...

Clyde: You're gay. How much you love men. How loooong you've been closeted... you pretend you have all these gal-pals but they're only to disguise your true nature. You've always been born this way. And it's all you have to say. [pause] And you better do it.

Chris: And I have three hours to come up with a three minute video-

Clyde: Yes... that's my request.

Chris: -of that sense. Very well.

Clyde: Well... I appear that I'm going to be banned from this server soon.

02:27:49 Taping His First Time

Chris: I'm- I mean like, you know, over a- over my PlayStation Eye, and over with uh- with uh- with uh the worst parts cut out, uh- I can upload that and uh... we'll undo that.

Dude: I'll leave you alone.

Chris: That's okay. [More Windows beeping, pause] Undo the lie I would have to tell.

Julie: All right- yes. Where would you upload it, exactly? The video of our first time?

Chris: I would add it to where like uh- I would put it in a good sense where it would stay, where would stay on the YouTube.

[Transcriber's note: Such a video would almost certainly be immediately removed for Terms of Service violations, not that Chris would ever be concerned about the rules and regulations of the various free services he uses.]

Julie: ...okay.

Chris: Julie?

Julie: Yes?

Chris: I love you.

Julie: I love you too, Chris.

Chris: And also, inform your brother. About what I am going to do for you.