Monday, January 9, 2012

A Tale of Incompetence

So I’ve been back in Glasgow for a few days dear followers and even though I was only gone for three weeks, I’ve forgotten a few vital things. Example 1: When I went to the little coffee shop by my flat yesterday morning, I ordered coffee with cream and the man looked up at me as if I had just told him I would be paying with strands of my own hair. He then said, “you just like, want it in a wee cup on the side?” And I was like, “Um yeah that’s cool.”

Now, for my American followers you are probs saying to yourself, “Ashley, I just don’t see what the problem is here.” However, for our readers from the UK, Australia, Canada, Russia, Brazil, Argentina, Belgium, India, and the one person from Kazakhstan (I bet you thought I wasn’t going to mention you BUT I DID), you are probably thinking, “BITCH YOU CRAZY BITCH.” Confused? Well when I got a cup of black coffee with a paper cup on the side filled to the top with whipped cream, I was too. And then I realized, OH WAIT this isn’t America where cream means milk — it means whipped cream. Why did I just talk about whipped cream for 200 words? That’s none of your god damned business. And since that's really the only example I have of forgetting things, we'll move on.

Speaking of being not so intelligent, today is the first day of the new semester and of course I had homework and reading that I could have had done over Christmas break. But did I you ask? Nay. I obviously chose to do more important things like beat Stephanie’s ass at Rainbow Road/Mario Kart and eat more sugar than any human being should consume in one lifetime. So I had to do it all over the last three days. And it actually wasn’t so bad except for the part where I had to read over 100 pages of poetry that made absolutely no sense. I was going to quote it, but I’m afraid of doing that so I’m just going to say that I’m sorry, but repeating the same word for twenty lines does not a poem make. Especially when it’s a word you made up. That’s all I’m going to say. And just you watch, everyone in my class is going to LOVE it. That’s usually how these things work out.

But for now, I must bid you farewell as I prepare to head out on my adventures of the scholastic nature. But just know that when Stephanie posts in a few days, she has some great stories. Like, they involve people on acid thinking she's Hannibal Lecter. I'm just saying it's probably going to be better than a story about cream. But that's just me.

And now, for some random pictures from over break I found on my phone:

I took this right before I went home.

It's the view from the coffee shop where I got bitch slapped emotionally by the barista.

An excellent angle of Stephanie Welling taken immediately after picking her up from the airport.

Stephanie at my friend's house on New Years Eve. She's shy.

Dropping bitch duck (Steph) off at the desolate airport.

Right before my flight to Glasgow, I found this massive rabbit sculpture that Stephanie and I dubbed, "The Great Cow of Sacramento International." My father later informed me that this work of art cost the city upwards of a million dollars to install. That'a boy Sacramento, that'a boy.

Not even half of my reading (for one class) this semester. NOT EVEN AFRAID

37 comments:

Also, never be afraid of just reaching across the desk and literally bitch slapping a barista if they try and put you down. It's ok.... everyone deserves to be smacked for something they've done in their life. You're just helping the process along.

(** = all things are second hand information from other people because I truly thing that coffee is vile and disgusting and in no way should ever be consumed, drunk, eaten or grown)

Maybe just start drinking coffee black and become jet-lag proof, or just use the whipped cream as defiantly as possible. Stare at him manically as you put it in your coffee while saying things like "yeah that's right, that's how we roll in the land of the free."

Some of my best friends are Scots. I love them. These pictures make me miss them. I used to go pub crawling in Edinburgh when I was a teenager.I've scads of old black and white photo's of Scotland. And it's about bloody time you girls posted! Love you in the mask, or is that really you?

I'm looking at the comments and reread your first paragraph and am experiencing cognitive dissonence. The Scotsman was not insulting you, cream is by definition cream, not milk. Cream is the fat off the top of what you call milk. His use of the English language was correct. I realize you were not being snarky when you wrote this. The people who said rude things about the Scotsman were though and it's appalling. Rusty's comment is horribly offensive. I am married to an American and he does not behave in this fashion. I don't want to upset anyone with this comment, I am just shocked at the comments. The Scots are a wonderful, funny people and are not ignorant.

Hahah right after I took this picture, a little kid actually ran up to the rabbit and was like "SPIDDDERRRMANNNNN!!!!" ... but then he found out it was just massive, pointless piece of crap ... um I mean art.

Anne, I think Rusty was making fun of ME and not the Scots. He said that calling milk "cream" like we do in the states was silly because it's not cream. I was just making fun of myself for using the wrong word.

I was never upset with you at all. I got what you were saying in the post. And I get Rusty's comment now that I know he's from Australia. The that's how we role in the land of the free sounded so American and I thought the worst. I don't want to ruin your post with this. You did write about other things. I didn't give the first paragraph a second thought until I came back over to return your comment.

And that last part of my post is troll bait. I've been trolled twice by the same eejit and I'm putting him in my Troll of Fame on Friday. My pet troll Guido has already bagged and tagged the bastard. His heads going up on a pike!

I was in Sacramento airport recently too..... and saw that weird huge red rabbit.... that cost a million? Man judging from my trip there they could have used some of that money for their downtown.... seriously!

ps I had the coffee with whipped cream thing happen and I say more of it man, more of it. You know what else? When I lived in Ireland I used to order pop with espresso in it. Half a glass of coke, double shot espresso, pour it in, top with whip cream, bam! you're awake.

I'm not sure that coffee/soda combo would help me understand the poetry, but it would get me through it ... and probably 15 times faster. Haha. And I might take you up on the poetry help, don't tempt me

hahaha. I remember during my childhood days our neighbour named his dog after his annoying neighbour and whenever he wanted to vent out his anger on his neighbour he would scold his dog. You sisters seem to be so close, but my sister if at all had the opportunity to see a pig with my name, she would buy it immediately and place it in our living room or in our porch for everyone to see.And about coffee , count me in. I dont know, I cant handle black coffee.