The end of independence

This blog represents my life’s work. Of all the things that make it stand out, none shines more brightly than my fierce journalistic independence. I hope it goes without saying that from the very beginning, when these essays began to make their mark on the cycling world, I have been bombarded with requests to advertise.

I’m not talking about ads for Donnie’s Spoke Nipple Fabricators, or for punk-ass dilettante basement beer brewers. I’m talking about the corporate names that made America famous. The big deals. The big wheels. After a lot of soul searching, I’ve finally decided to take the plunge and accept corporate money.

Before you go condemning me and accusing me of becoming a sellout, consider this: Without the substantial revenue provided by a major advertiser, there’s no way I can keep this shit up. It takes a fair amount of time and a huge amount of energy to keep blogging about you wankers. I’m all for charity and good works, but there’s a limit, especially when it comes to cycling riffraff.

Journalistic independence

There’s a long tradition of cycling bloggers who start off working in their bathroom and graduate to the scullery by virtue of advertising sales. My buddy Patrick Brady’s Red Kite Prayer comes to mind, a publication that is regularly voted by insane people as the best cycling blog on the internets.

Wankmeister is no different, except that he is better.

Rather than accepting advertising from any old cycling douchebag company that can cough up the fees on his admittedly steep rate card, Wankmeister has carefully reviewed the countless companies clamoring for his Good Housekeeping seal of approval and selected one company, and one alone, that represents the ideals, principles, maxims, high moral ground, proper behavior, and social responsibility epitomized by this blog.

Despite accepting money from this honorable and esteemed company, Wankmeister promises to his loyal reader that these opinions, viewpoints, research, investigation, and writing will never, ever, ever be colored by filthy lucre, not one tiny bit. Parts of the cycling news that is fit to print, and much of it that isn’t, will always be available here.

Let me introduce to you my new patron and sponsor…RuggedMAXXX

Before I give you the details about the world’s number one herbal male enhancement formula (check out www.ruggedmaxxx.com if you can’t wait), I wanted to share with you the way that my relationship began with this huge and swollen global partner.

I’ve always had a really tiny penis. Before I got married, the one woman who saw me naked (I was water skiing and my drawers came unhitched) said to me, “You’re never going to get a girlfriend, let alone a wife. That thing you call a penis can’t be more than eleven inches long. Shrimp!”

From that day on I’ve suffered from the shame of diminished dangle dysfunction. Mrs. WM has repeatedly tried to reassure me that it’s okay to be small. “Don’t a you worry about little inchy thingy. You gotta good personality on Thursday.”

Like all male cyclists and especially Hair, I’ve tried everything to grow my root. I’ve tried implants, “Dr. Bill’s Amazing Penis Potion,” root extenders, and Brazilian wax jobs with little reflective aluminum pasties around the base to make the tree look taller. I’ve even tried to get Mrs. WM to wear special reverse distortion glasses like they use on car mirrors so that “objects may look larger than they feel.”

But nothing has worked. The implants got infected and the corrective surgery reduced me to a shriveled and virtually invisible nine-and-a-half inches. The penis potion had some hormone in it that got me banned for two years by USA Cycling. Life has been a living hell.

My road to a new tomorrow

So there I was, sorting through advertising requests from General Motors, Pillsbury, Amgen, and Coke, when this email caught my eye. I’M NOT MAKING THIS SHIT UP.

Dear Wankmeister,

Mega Men Global introduces our all natural, 100% herbal supplement Rugged Maxxx 2. Rugged Maxxx has changed the lives of over 40,000+ customers in 2009, and being the confident, perfecitonist that we are, we hope to change the lives of triple those numbers in 2012. Customers have already started to rave on how much they love our Rugged Maxxx 2, but we still need your review to get our brand further out to the world. Would you be interested in reviewing Rugged Maxxx 2? I would be happy to send you a shipment. Please reply to this email with a name and address that you would like your discretely packaged shipment sent-to. Allow us to help you introduce fun, and excitement into the bedroom of a friend, family-member, or your own. Thank you for your time and opportunity.

The thing that most attracted me was their promise to ship it “discretely.” I suppose that’s opposed to shipping it “joined, combined, or attached.” I was also enthralled at getting to use a product make by a “perfecitonist.” It sounded so sexy, even though I wasn’t sure what it meant. Of course, I was a little worried about introducing fun excitement into the bedroom of a family member, since that’s illegal in the Lower 48 except Tennessee. But I’m a risk taker, so I went all in.

I ordered three cases of RuggedMAXXX2, and let me tell you the results were flat fucking incredible. After the first week my tiny little wiener went from a shrimpy 9.5″ to a barely visible 11″. After the second week it sprouted up to 14.82″, almost enough to register with my long suffering wife of 25 years. By the end of week three it sprouted to a whopping 72 inches long.

Do you know how big 72 inches is? It’s big enough to satisfy the largest animal to ever roam the earth, the now extinct Jeespotticus Rexasauruas, a 400-foot tall reptile whose orgasms were so huge that they eventually heated up the atmosphere and led to the extinction of the dinosaurs.

Anyway, I’m not going to say any more as it would embarrass my wife, who is now completely satisfied with her man, and with me, too. I owe it all to RuggedMAXXX2, and I’m urging you to give it a try, especially Prez, who should probably go on the 52-case, one-year program if you know what I mean.

Thanks for your support

I hope you’ll appreciate that even though I’m now accepting advertising, you can still expect the high quality, unbiased product reviews and incisive analysis you’ve come to expect from Wankmeister. And the next time your Ms. or Mr. Special politely suggests that you’d be able to hammer longer and stronger with some extra rake in your fork, call up the good penis enhancement people at RuggedMAXXX, and tell ’em Wankmeister sent you. You’ll be glad you did.

§ 16 Responses to The end of independence

Interestingly, the girth has remained the same, so by simply attaching a camera to the end we can also use it as a high tech plumber’s snake to locate and identify obstructions in the pipes. Just have to careful it doesn’t get rubbed when it’s down in the pipe, as it can swell up and get stuck there for an hour or two. Saves on Roto-Rooter house calls, though.

You know, if you threw all of the cellular structures of all the organisms into a big box and shook the box, are you crazy enough to suggest that they would somehow “organize” into the miraculous, wondrous, amazingly perfect structure that is the penis of the blue whale? Of course not. This proves the existence of intelligent design. Period.

Now you tell us about selling out and this miraculous product. There I was, unendowed, hung like a hamster and at Air Force OTS having to share the shower with a six foot six basketball player (yes, he was what you’re thinking). Covering in the corner, covered in cheap military grade soap. The horror… When I got orders to go to the land of tiny wieners, I thought, there must be a God. Little did I know the humiliation I would face at remote ONSEN, and as the only foreigner most of the folks in those parts had ever seen, holding a tiny towel ( tying two of them together just didn’t work) and running a gauntlet between steaming pools filled with curious locals, with the reputation of Western Man hiding somewhere between my legs. Even the most polite people can double up with laughter. Covering their mouths offered me little comfort.

Years later, my older daughter, in medical residency, was handed a note by a young boy, which read “Will my penis ever grow big”, somehow resisted the urge to tell the kid “maybe yours will, but my father’s never did”.

A life of inadequacy, which could have been saved by a LONG course of RuggedMAXXX. Do you think that there might be hope for me? If so, and by some miracle this product is successful, that you could prevail on the advertising department of the company to hire a poor old man with time on his hands (and little to speak of in them)?

Look, there’s no need to feel shame. What you need to do is take action. And RuggedMAXXX2 is the action you need. It worked for me. On my FB page I have hordes of cute biker girls coming to blows (hopefully) about who’s going to get to carry the dragon on the Tues/Thurs NPR. Ever since I started using RuggedMAXXX2 all the cool people, male and female, have started friending me. Once you’ve completed your first cycle of RuggedMAXXX2, take a few photos and send them to zerepdivad@ruggedmaxxx2.com. He’s their PR guy and would be more than happy to check out your dix pix. I’m sure that the phenomenal growth you’re about to experience will be perfect for their web site and future campaigns. Go long! Go hard! Go RuggedMAXXX2 all the way!

Thanks for the tip (no). A spokesmodel, my dream job. And on NPR, wow, don’t want to get my hopes up, If the stuff works, I could do some of those annoying sound effects. I could just see those old folks cringe listening to my squeals of passion.

I’m telling people, RuggedMAXXX…there’s no substitute, except for the ancient Burmese lengthening technique involving a rope, a fixed object like a stone, and lots of pulling. And RuggedMAXXX doesn’t have the risk of detachment that the Burmese technique has.

After reading Kerouac I wanted to hit the road. After reading WM I want to rub some embrocation shit on my legs, jump on my road bike, “go to the fucking front,” and post my musings on life and bikes on the interwebs. Using the WM as my guide I know web stardom is only a few postings away. Therefore, since advertisers will soon be beating a path to my keyboard, I have started to narrow down those companies I would be willing to endorse. Providing a one-two punch when combined with RuggedMAXXX, I submit for your pleasure — Whiskey Dick.http://whiskeydicklube.com/