SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
June 17, 2012

President
Initiates Plan to Boost Status of Illegal Aliens

A year
ago, President Barack Obama told his Hispanic supporters that he
lacked the authority to grant amnesty to people in the country
illegally. “There are laws on the books that prohibit me from
unilaterally granting the right to reside in America, hold a job, and
vote,” the President said in a March 2011 speech at a Univision
town hall in Washington, D.C. On Friday, June 15, the President
issued an Executive Order that would spare up to 800,000 illegal
aliens from deportation.

“Despite
ample opportunity to take action over the last year, Congress has
failed to do its duty to remedy the plight of those in our country
who lack the documents that are required to live normal lives,”
Obama asserted. “Consequently, I have been forced to offset their
negligence. Therefore, I have instructed Secretary Napolitano to
immediately begin the process of providing those who were brought
into the country illegally by their parents with the kinds of
documents they need to fully integrate them into our society.”

Secretary
Napolitano characterized the move as “simple justice. Those without
documents are at a serious disadvantage when it comes to enjoying the
benefits of living in America. This new law levels the playing field.
It will also allow my Department to redeploy enforcement resources
from chasing down these unfortunate victims of racial prejudice and
to focus on those that pose a real threat to the government.”

House
Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) thanked the President “for
saving us the trouble of trying to get this kind of a law through
Congress. As we have seen with other legislation like the health care
bill, it is a tedious process that too often results in lengthy and
confusing enactments. An Executive Order bypasses the logistical
difficulties of the 535-headed Congressional monster and substitutes
the simplicity and elegance that can only spring from a single mind.
Americans should be grateful they have a President with such
courage.”

Attorney
General Eric Holder expressed confidence that the documents that the
Department of Homeland Security will issue would effectively counter
state voter ID laws. “This gives us another weapon in the fight to
prevent the disenfranchisement efforts being pursued in many states,”
Holder bragged. “We're still going to oppose these efforts, but in
the event that we can't block their enforcement many of the intended
victims will be able to show the kind of paperwork that should get
them into the voting booth.”

Representative
Lamar Smith (R-Texas), chairman of the House Judiciary Committee,
denounced the Executive Order. “The Constitution places legislative
authority in Congress,” he pointed out. “Using Congress' refusal
to act as grounds for legislating via Executive Order is a blatant
usurpation of power that violates the President's oath to faithfully
enforce the law.”

Whether
President Obama's violation of the Constitution's separation of
powers will move Congress to oppose this usurpation by invoking its
authority to impeach him remains to be seen.

Obama
Calls on Celebrities to Save America

At a
$40,000 per plate campaign dinner, President Obama challenged the
rich and famous stars of the entertainment industry to “help me
take back the country from the malefactors of great wealth that are
opposing my quest for social justice.”

While the
dinner itself raised a total of $2 million from the 50 celebrity
attendees, the President cautioned them “not to think you've done
enough here tonight. The money you are giving today is a
drop-in-the-bucket compared with the vast wealth this country has
bestowed upon you. For a cause this important we must hold nothing
back. Consider it an investment in a better world.”

One of the
things the President suggested they could do in addition to
contributing “until it hurts,” was “to use your status as
arbiters of American culture to guide voters toward the right way of
thinking. You have ready access to the media. Any one of you can get
an interview anytime you want. Don't waste these opportunities by
neglecting to remind your fans that if they want to make you happy
they've got to vote Democrat.”

NYC
Mayor Defends “Nanny State”

New York
City's Mayor Michael Bloomberg lashed back at critics of his efforts
to save residents from their vices—most recently soft drinks,
previously transfats and smoking—calling his policies “fully in
sync with the views of our nation's Founding Fathers.”

“Those
who're on my case because I'm infringing on people's liberties ought
to read the Constitution,” Bloomberg suggested. “In there they'll
see that the rights to liberty and pursuit of happiness come after
the right to life. You can't have either liberty or happiness if you
don't have life. I think I've got my priorities straight.”

As proof
that he has his priorities straight, the Mayor cited statistics
indicating that life expectancy in NYC exceeds the national average
by three years. “Look, I'm saving lives,” Bloomberg boasted. “How
many other mayors, governors, or presidents can say as much. That I
might be crimping the liberty to engage in unhealthy vices is a price
that I think everyone ought to be willing to pay.”

Congressional
Candidate Praises Abortion

Darcy
Burner, a Democratic candidate for the House of Representatives in
the state of Washington, told an audience at the Netroots Nation
convention in Providence Rhode Island that women who have had
abortions deserve our thanks.

“We all
know that humans are destroying this planet,” Burner contended. “We
need to single out those who are taking action to stave off this
destruction. No action is more heroic than that of a woman who
sacrifices her own child to help us move closer to the day when
humans become extinct.”

In order
to help the heroes in the audience gain the recognition they deserve,
Burner asked that every woman present who had had an abortion to rise
and receive the applause of the rest of those attending her speech.

President
Says GOP “Has it Backwards”

Reacting
to Republican criticism of his economic policies, President Obama
argued that “the GOP's 'government is the enemy, the market is
everything' mantra has it backwards.”

“It's
the market that is holding us back from achieving full employment,”
Obama maintained. “Businesses are holding down costs so they can
reap a profit. Profits show that they have the means to employ more
people, but choose not to. On the government side we have been
striving to hire more people regardless of whether we have the funds
to pay their salaries. So, I think it would be more accurate to say
that the market is the enemy and that the government is everything.”

To further
highlight the differences between the two Parties, the President
boldly defended his Administration's investments in “green
technologies.” “The GOP wants you to think that our investment in
Solyndra was a huge mistake,” he said. “Their argument is that
because the company could not produce a cost-effective product that
people would willingly buy the investment was a failure. They're
using profitability as the yardstick for this claim. That's not the
yardstick I use.”

“Every
dollar of taxpayer money we put into Solydra was income to someone,”
the President continued. “We weren't counting pennies and grubbing
for profit. And I'm proud to say that before the company went
bankrupt it employed thousands of people at good paying jobs. In so
many ways the experience was a model for the direction I think this
country must take to effect the transformation I have promised.”

Statistics
indicating that household net assets have declined by nearly 40%
since 2007 and that 23% of small business owners had no income during
the last year hint that Obama's policies may not be as conducive to
the nation's economic health as he imagines.

In related
news, an attempt to unionize the unemployed has been launched. Rick
Sloan says he is heading up this effort because “there is a very
real possibility that being unemployed will become a permanent status
for many Americans. As it stands now, income is rigidly tied to
whether a person has a job. This is becoming untenable for a growing
portion of our population. We feel that those without a job need
representation to help them bargain for a fair share of the pie
created by those lucky enough to have jobs.”

Democrats
Attack Americans' Aversion to Taxes

Two
prominent Democrats laid into Americans who don't want to pay higher
taxes.

First,
former Vermont Governor Howard Dean professed himself to be “tired
of all this anti-tax rhetoric we're hearing from the Tea Party types.
Anybody who has money in America only has it because the government
has allowed them to have it. If the government says it needs more of
that money you have no moral right to object.”

In
Nebraska, Democratic senate candidate Bob Kerrey says he can't wait
to get back to the Senate so he can vote for higher taxes. “You
know, I was the deciding vote for President Clinton's 1993 tax
increase bill,” Kerrey crowed. “At the time, that was the biggest
single tax hike in US history. I'd like a shot at topping that record
if I can. The notion that some people have that they are over-taxed
doesn't stand up to scrutiny. As I see it, if you have any money that
hasn't been taxed away you aren't over-taxed.”