As the egomaniacal Tories wrestle with each other in the greased ball pit to see who can win the honour of fighting the Parliament tiger (or however it is they choose a new leader) the grim spectre of a No-Deal Brexit™ looms large, disappointing pretty much everyone regardless of how they voted. The only people happy with that prospect are the actual Nazis, the people really doubling down on voting Leave after being accused of not knowing why they voted, and half of the mad Tory leadership candidates. Maybe Jeremy Corbyn too.

In a lesson that will become dated five minutes after it’s published, let’s prepare for the worst and examine how to cook in the hellscape that will be a pan-fried hard-boiled no-deal Brexit™.

Ingredients

All dead animal matter will be imported and subjected to extreme cleaning procedures of being washed in ammonia through a firehose. Mmmmm, CLEAN! If that puts you off eating meat ever again, then let’s turn to vegetable matter. Anything ‘fancier’ than a potato will be a luxury item, taxed so extensively that supermarkets will invest instead in hologram technology to project the image of pineapples onto the shelves to give the impression of a full stock, knowing that no one will ever reach for one and shatter the illusion due to the exorbitant price. Rumour has it that there is a single cantaloupe in the emergency bunker beneath the House of Commons – referred to in common parlance as The Dungeon. However, since Boris Johnson’s last visit, it’s been ruled unfit for ingestion.

So time to start getting creative with potatoes! Try mashing them. There’s a recipe for you right there. You’re welcome.

Cookware

All foreign pans will be rounded up and publicly executed; expect a visit from your Neighbourhood Watch officer the day after we drive off the cliff. Charity shops will be burned to the ground in an effort to expunge any antique European pans, John Lewis will burn in the fires of the anti-Le Creuset brigade. We’ll be stuck with £5 combustible ‘non-stick’ frying pans that are inadequately sized for cooking anything and are made from tin foil. Anything larger and better will be reserved for Eton. Selective taxing will be in evidence, shoppers will have to prove that their income level is high enough to be able to purchase a reasonable pan for a not unreasonable price.

Potato mashers will be widely available however.

Hosting

By notice of the Conservative government of the Divided Kingdom:

All public gatherings of three or more people are prohibited where they involve meals predominantly containing more than two distinguishable ingredients.

Mashed potato parties will be the new norm. Your second ingredient is the butter. I wouldn’t recommend adding salt or pepper for fear of the Party Pooper Police.

Herbs and spices

Already a controversial issue in the UK, the use of herbs and spices will be allowed, but you will be issued with a ration book, and overuse of herbs will result in an immediate execution. Ironically, the most expensive spice Saffron will be in plentiful supply. Funny old world, ain’t it?

And next…?

Let’s see how this leadership contest and the future shapes out. But perhaps it’s time to start stockpiling the spuds.