10 Ways Conservatives Should Give Liberals Exactly What They Say They Want

There’s way too much fussin’ and fightin’ in politics, isn’t there? In Rodney King’s immortal words, “I just want to say, you know, can we all get along?”

CAN WE all get along, folks? Can we conservatives cooperate and show just a little bit more of that unity that our valiant President, Barack Obama, promised us all back in 2008?

Many of you reading this column are undoubtedly saying, “No, we can’t afford to cooperate with the Left! When liberals say they want ‘unity,’ what they really mean is that we should give them everything they want and call it unity!”

That’s very true.

Yet and still, the country wants us to reach out. They want us to work together. So, in the spirit of bipartisanship, I’d like to suggest some ways that we conservatives can stop being such selfish ogres and give those on the Left exactly what they want and much more importantly, what they deserve.

So, in the generous spirit of bipartisanship, here are ten ways that we can give liberals exactly what they SAY they want.

1) There are far too many people in our prisons who have been failed by our society. That certainly isn’t their fault. That’s why we need to release a few million prisoners into halfway houses in liberal neighborhoods.

2) America needs to lead the way in alternative energy; so it should be illegal for liberals to power their homes with anything other than windmills and solar energy. On the upside, since this will mean a lot of time in the dark, these liberals will gain the added bonus of being able to get back to nature.

by Sir John Hawkins

John Hawkins's book 101 Things All Young Adults Should Know is filled with lessons that newly minted adults need in order to get the most out of life. Gleaned from a lifetime of trial, error, and writing it down, Hawkins provides advice everyone can benefit from in short, digestible chapters.

3) Bodyguards for liberal politicians, celebrities, and athletes shouldn’t be able to use guns. After all, people don’t kill people; guns kill people — so by removing the guns from those bodyguards, those people will be safer than ever!

4) We do need to make sure that everyone gets a “working wage.” So, let’s raise the minimum wage to $100 an hour. We can start by raising the salaries of chauffeurs, gardeners, nannies, cooks, and maids in Hollywood and expand from there until we all make at least $100 an hour and will thus, be rich! But wait….if we were all rich, then we’d all be exploitive and evil….ah, that’s something to figure out in the next column.

5) We do need to bring illegal aliens “out of the shadows,” which is why any illegal aliens captured in America who aren’t immediately deported should be shipped to Berkeley or San Francisco, where they can live in peace, use the schools, and collect government benefits until their trials…well, if they show up for their trials.

6) Union labor is important, which is why liberal businesses should be legally obligated to ONLY use unionized labor. Granted, that might mean long delays, their competitors dramatically undercutting them on costs, or even going out of business, but wouldn’t that be worth it for those people if they got to put more money in the pockets of union members?

7) Fairness is very important. That’s why we need to apply the Fairness Doctrine to newspaper editorial pages, MSNBC, Current TV, and the Huffington Post.

8) We all know animals (and trees) should have the same rights as human beings; so is it really worth it to save human lives if animals have suffered to make it possible? That’s why it should be illegal to sell liberals insulin, antibiotics, drugs that fight AIDS/HIV and any other medicines that were made possible by testing that was done on animals.

9) Let’s put salary caps in place to keep rich guys from earning money that they don’t deserve. How about a maximum of $100,000 for any actor’s appearance in a film? That seems fair, right? Wouldn’t you agree to star in a major motion picture for $100,000?

10) Increasing diversity is an important goal; so we should set quotas to insure that every newspaper staff in America (and we can’t forget MSNBC) have as many minorities present as there are in the population. It would also be nice if Netroots Nation wasn’t as white as a snowstorm in Maine; so maybe next year some of those white, liberal attendees could give up their tickets to people of color.