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Monday, February 8, 2010

Shucky Darn?

I totally have to stop swearing.

Olivia? Is going to be one this weekend. ONE. As in, an entire year old. I can not believe it, and I'll tell you who else can not believe it: My Lady Business. She has not stopped bitching about the trauma of her birth, what with her I'm So Dry and Ouch Ouch Scar Tissue routine. A real complainer, that one. It's like, she produces the miracle of life then expects everyone to treat her all special.

But anyway, I was tempted to make my first line, "holy fuck, you guys, I have to stop swearing." But then I thought better of it, because you know, I do have some self control. Not to mention standards.

Paragraph 3, it is!

Seriously, though. I love to swear. I love it. I love to swear, and mix swear words to make new swear words. I love to make fun of people who say Fudge and Shucks and Darn by calling them Assholes and possibly giving them the finger.

Except I have a one year old (!!!) and she is starting to imitate the noises we make. And it won't be long before she's all, "I can't stand Jay Leno, he is a total twatwaffle." And then I'll laugh, and she'll know it's funny, then she'll go on a playdate and call some other kid a twatwaffle, and then they won't want to be friends with the lady whose kid says Twatwaffle.

But there is hope, because the Internet is helpful and you guys leave me really funny comments so I know that I can count on you to help me find satisfying, kid-friendly substitutes for my favorite swearz.

Here's what I don't recommend...switching from Fucking to Freaking. Because when your beautiful little girl starts singing "Now I know my Freaking ABC's..." you'll want to laugh through your horror. I speak from experience. That was just for effect, though. It was even more horrifying when I had to take a toy away from her, and put it on a shelf. She marched around the house shrieking "I want my freaking toy!" for literally half an hour.

Best bet? Get your emotional response removed. I had no idea how many things I called stupid and how often I call people idiots until I started hearing her say it. Better yet? Just stop talking entirely!

Greg over at Telling Dad uses "fuzzle" instead of fuck. which kinda makes me think of fuzz and being all soft and warm and cozy. I use "F'ing" a lot...not sure that's better, lol. How about....tool instead of douche? is that better? I dunno. I guess I'm not much help. I gave up swearing for Lent one time and it was the longest 40 days of my life. I actually just couldn't form a complete sentence. Much like Bill Cosby states in his comedy routine "Bill Cosby as Himself." I wish you much luck in your swear-less endeavors!

I have wondered on occasion if one of the reasons I don't want kids is that I would have to find ways to not swear...and then my blood pressure would rise because I would slip. I would feel guilty, start to sweat and cuss again. It would be a vicious cycle that is embedded with heart disease and ends with premature death.

My personal favorite is Puss Ass, although I think Douche-a-rooney will be making an appearance at my house in the near future. I like to think that most parents wait to screw up their kids, so maybe if you get a head start she'll never know you screwed up and be better adjusted than the rest of them, right? RIGHT?! Oh well. At least we'll get our money's worth when we have to start paying for therapy...

Well, my husband and I love to watch Penn & Teller's Bullsh*t. On one episode, he referred to a particularly unpleasant woman as a c*ntpickle. Is that not a beautiful word? (Honestly, though, twatwaffle is right up there...so I may have new favorite.) Well, for some reason, the "c word" seems to offend people more than others, so when we want to refer to some lady as being rather intolerable, we refer to her as a pickle. We know what it means, but everyone else just looks confused. It's great!

So, let's see. If irritating women are "pickles", then I think it's safe to say the same quality in men earns them the title of "waffles". :)

I love "DOOOOOOOOUUCHE" far too much. I've recently tried to start using "Skadooche" from Kung Fu Panda. Hey, if a cartoon character can say it and it sounds like what I'm going for, I think that I'm in the clear. :@)

I'm going to be in the same place as you soon. We're fucked. I try to resort to calling people 'jerkwads' but I don't think I really want to hear my kid saying that either. Well, not more than once anyway.

Of course, I also came out with a string of obscenities recently that made my husband do a double take and express his surprise that I actually knew some of those words. That's quite an achievement after almost 8 years of marriage.

My BFF and i have been calling each other jackasses since we met, but now we just call one another Jack's, which we say with the enthusiasm of saying Fuck or Shit... so it feels good but its not a bad word... its all about compromise and creativity lol

Rowan is 4, so I have now reverted to the silly Darns and all that junk, I hate it but she will repeat what I say in a flash. I was talking to my brother in law the other day who is 19 and he said bastard, and then Rowan said "Who's a bastard mama?" ugh! lol yeah, no fun for me anymore! I do like to say Craptastic, because she has a hard time prounouncing it so that one works haha

I love to swear too, and making new swear words...especially when driving. but in the work place it's hard to swear, so I use "shut the front door" said in the same tone as shut the eff up...someone always thinks you are going to say the swear and it's funny. also really like, "son of a biscuit"...you really need to keep the same intonations for these to be really effective. good luck! :)

I'm a noncussing gal here. Probably one you'd give the finger too, but I will leave you a comment anyway. I use "Freak of Nature" a lot, also "Freakin' A" but the second one is mostly in my head. I grew up in a house where "fart", "butt", and "crap" were BAD words so take it for what it's worth.

I call people tool bags alot which I'm not sure if any better than douche bag which is really interchangeable.for some reason Douchwizzle stick is in rotation as in a hybrid between Douche and Swizzle Stick.. which when you think about it both of them are really awesome words.

Dude, j and I are equally screwed. He's (possibly) worse than I am, but we are guilty of over-swearing. Like swearing/making an exclamation when the situation doesn't exactly warrent one. Like: when the weather shows snow for the 4,392nd time this winter? WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?! Or when our dog won't come inside when it's snowing for the 4,392nd time this winter? GET YOUR FAT ASS IN THIS HOUSE RIGHT NOW! (He's huge, 115 pounds, "fat" is warranted. :)

So I'm trying to do better. So far I'm throwing out a lot of "frack" and "heck" and "what the??".

Maybe there's a 12 step program for people like us?

Either that or B and O will have to get married because they will be the only kids cussing in kindergarten. :)

My husband and I have already decided that our little precious's first sentence will be "Shut up, ya douche bag dog!" (being that's what we say to the dog who loves to bark, all day every day)What's a parent to do? Just try your best and maybe cut yourself every time you do slip? Cutters are cool.

I've been known to shout "sweet mother of pearl" and or variations thereof from time to time in situations when "holy motherfuckingshit" wouldn't be prudent. please post your winners, I'm going to need some help here in a few months.

I was raised in a house where the swear words would fly. But I was taught (early and often) that you DO NOT swear in this house and especially not in front of your mother. It's a respect thing. I'm now 29 and pregnant with my first and I still have a hard time swearing in front of my parents. So I think I'll just swear as much as I want and see how it goes. There's always #2 right? lol

I myself am quite fond of "frick and frack" and "God Bless America", as I saw someone else post as well. And when I get really in a snit and I need cussing lite, there's always "crap and a half." And no, I don't really know what it means either.

Finally, I'd like to echo the praise for t-waffle. Love the way it rolls off the tongue...

Though, I gotta tell you, the word it's prompting me to type in just to register this comment is pretty good too: "suackfu"

This post is right up my alley. Since I sell Porn and sex toys for a living, my office chat frequently uses these words, and I don't have to refrain myself nearly as much as most people do. I will be NO help to you as far as changing the format to be more G rated. I would rather Not speak at all than not swear!One of my personal favorites happens to be "cock-bag". Every time I get an asshole on the phone, when the convo is done, I slammed my phone down and more or less scream COCK-BAG!!!!!!!! at the top of my lungs!

My list includes:Cock-bagdouchbagmothafuckamaaafuckaassholefucking idiotprick wrinkleson of a bitchson of a douche....my list goes on and on

I personally thought shit wasn't a bad word because i grew up on a farm but now i don't think i want my kid saying that. We had a friend over and he said with his four kids he uses "Sugar Honey Iced Tea" (first letters of SHIT) I thought that was hilarious and it works pretty good not to mention a conversation starter at times. lol Love your blog.

I don't like to curse, but slip every once in a while. I don't think though that Twatwaffle is a bad word I rather like it. I like to say Shut the front door and Shitake mushrooms (from Spy Kids movie) they help alot.

Wait, douche is a bad word? That breaks my heart. Its my favorite. Its douchetastic. Summabitch.

I too say "mother of pearl." Sometimes I'll whip out a "get the flock outta here."

I'm going to call my brother a cuntpickle the next time I see him. I needed something new. He's started to get used to my screaming, "Good luck beating that rape charge," when we part ways in crowded places.

I have a girlfriend who says "Shut the front door" instead of shut the fuk up. I also am a fan of Jeebus. It's my go to non-swear. And I try to just sub effing for fuking, because my dad's fav word is fuk and I use it WAAAAAAAAAY too much so I try to go the effing route. It's something :D

Good luck! I have to stop my swearing too, even though my child is still in utero, I have a niece and 2 close baby friends who are 1-2 years old and saying "Holy Fuk Me" when I stub my toe is ragingly inappropriate.

You are truly fantastic!! I stumbled upon your blog recently and everytime I read your blog I laugh out loud. I Dont really have any suggestions for new words because I swear like a salior but like you I have a one year old little girl and I really don't want her walking up to someone and saying "Hi, douche bag or fuck off" Twatwaffle is super and I will be stealing that from you if you dont mind!!

Hi, my name is Molly and I like to cuss. LOTS. I could probably make a sailor blush. Fuck is my all~time fave word. It can be a sentence all by itself, just by changing the endings and intonation... how awesome is that?! I think that adding a term of endearment/yummy food after a derogatory name names it fun, ex: skankmuffin. (much like twatwaffle) That doesn't help you though...

Adding Holy in front of any word makes it a good "clean" choice. Ex: Holy cupcakes!When I taught for a few years, I learned "For the Love". PPs kept talking about stubbing their toes, a more child-appropriate response is "FOR THE LOVE, that hurt!". Another more inappropriate personal fave is punkass.Good luck on your journey with cleaning your mouth up... I know I am going to be the mom that laughs when notes and phone calls from preschool start. I'll be all "Yes, honey, Ann Arbor is a whore, but you can't say that at school." lol.

My husband picked up some filth at work... he told me to "quit flapping my cum dumpsters" and referred to me as a "cum guzzling whorebag" (jokingly of course) we tend to use those words often. I'm gonna have to tone that down.. I'd hate for my daughter to call my mom that or say "Nana, quit flappin your cum dumpsters!"

oh.em.gee. wait until she's 3. and you can't even lie anymore. like when you tell your MIL that you couldn't make dinner because riley was sick and he goes "no i wasn't". or when he asks why the toy she got him doesn't work. so you tell him "because it's a frickin piece of junk". so he asks her why she got him a "frickin piece of junk". now i have to be careful not to talk about how my friend's kid drives me batshitcrazy. because the little booger will rat me out. whose side is he on anyway?i'm just hoping my daughter's first words aren't "bitch, i do what i want" (but really, she does do what she wants. so maybe it's ok if it's the truth??)it might just be easier to get her accustomed to your household language now. that way, when you come home from work, she'll be all "man, mom, this frickin idiot douchebag at preschool was all up in my biznaz so i punched him in his douchey face" and you can be like "i know! that totally happened to me at work with this mo-ron. what is WITH people?!?"

I have absolutely nothing constructive to add, but I almost peed myself laughing over "twatwaffle" and "c*ntpickle." Honorary mention goes to "skankmuffin" and "douchewizzle stick."

Maybe there is good mileage out of "studmuffin" or "son of a marsupial"?? Just tossing ideas out. But I think it's partially the intonation -- I mean if you scream ANYTHING sufficiently loudly and angrily it's pretty damn satisfying -- but partially the thrill of screaming something socially unacceptable that makes swearing so much fun. So whatever you find to replace it will not be as fun ...

I have a habit of saying "oh for christ's sake" and my mom says "oh for crying out loud", so what does my sone come up with? "Oh for christ out loud". Priceless.

Personally I like Farking and sheister. But I still use the rest too. My personal rule in our house is that the kids can swear all they want in the house, as long as they are not calling each other these names, but once we leave our house, the naughty words stay there.

I love seeing what other swear words others use, I'd like to add them to my vocabulary, but I too have twins who are talking, so I need to be careful, I try to say stuff like- "She's a B" "get off my A" basically I just use the first letter and hope to God my kids think I'm practicing my alphabet!

I save the good ones for when the kids are in bed! Let the cussing begin!

I am not a Sci-Fi dork, but a guilty pleasure is the Battlestar Galactica TV show the show is genius in teh sewaring department because they have replaced "Fuck" with "Frack". They use frack in all the appropriate places, tenses, and usages where you could use fuck... and it is on TV without an issue.

"Don't be a fracking idiot!""Oh Frack!""That is fracked up!"

I am not even kidding... Genius. It is like a big FRACK YOU to the crazy TV sensors.

I have had six long years to practice not swearing in front of the C's, while maintaining my ability to embarrass sailors as soon as the kiddies vanish. I don't think my dogs will know what to think if/when there's a little one here full time, they might have to learn that their names are not "will you lazy assholes shut the fuck up, puh-fucking-lease!"

Anyway, replacements:

- Son of a crap - Son of a cracker - Chick (for bitch) - Cootie Queen - Toolbox - Mother of grrrr - Mother blasted - Mother flip - Craptastic - Crapalicious - What the crap (see how multi-purpose crap can be?) - Dill pretty much universally in place of dick (dillhead, dillweed, dilling around) - Pancakes (as in "Oh, pancakes!" or "why the pancakes?") - French in place of fuck "shut the french up" or "what the french did you do that for?" or "mother frencher" - Mary had a little lamb in place of mother fucker - Mayo or sauce in place of jizz (ala "saucetastic" or you know for insuating my husband, brother and/or their friends are all ghay "you gotta little mayo on your chin") - speaking of ghay, I've replaced it with pretty and fag with stag or fairy

OK, I'm sure there's more. I'm also certain that even at 6 Big C has figured out my game, and knows a ton-of-a-lot of their actual meanings, but he uses the made up words if any "curses" at all, so... so far, so good.

I have absolutely nothing to add except that my sailor vocabulary was just upped by a shitload of new words! YAY for reading Jen's blog! I've been laughin all day at these. And I work with kids that I call "pre-prisoners" so these and more are rolling around in my head all day.

Oh, I wish I could help you with this one, but your favorite curse words are too fantastic to replace. I will be adding several to my repetoire. Douchebag is my favorite word, and so easy to combine with other words to make new things to yell at other drivers. More of my favorites:-douchenozzle-douchebaguette (for the ladies)-douchehole (which counts as two because of the combination of douche and asshole)

I am late on this but I have to re-start this project. I did so well once my son turn 1 years old, but as time went on, the swears came back (mainly caused by the chaos of the two boys, I mean, uh, my husband and son). So, now my son will be turning 11 years old in a few days...and he knows many swears by now.

BUT, we have his little sister turning 2 in a few months--so, its time to stop swearing (at least for a little bit!)

Righty (21 mos) said her first bad word the other day. Dh was playing Wii and since it plots against him, he said, "Ah dammit" when he lost and she promptly repeated it about fifty times. That's my girl. So hard not to laugh at her. Good luck with that shit. Oh, I mean good lark with that shit.

I'm with Jamie...probably another girl you'd give the finger too! I also grew up in a house where fart wasn't allowed and was replaced with words like fluffy or frunkle. Fluffy was my mom's idea and to this day I still find it as ridiculous as I did back when I was 10! It almost physically hurt just typing it. My kids are 5 and 7and my husband and I sucessfully stopped swearing around them when they started talking...it can be done! A phrase I spit out the other day (without thought) while on the phone with my cousin (who laughed hysterically) to my son (who was sitting on top of the entertainment center at the time)...What in the BLAZES are you doing?!?!?! That same cousin and I also used words like q-tip, grey hair and goat roper for old people that just really fry you and can't drive. If this old goat roper would just get out of the way!!! I'm not sure why we chose a barn animal but you could yell, crazy pig farmer, sloppy cow milker, or something like that! You could vent frustration and teach Olivia her animals at the same time! And I'm totally OK with it if you're giving me the finger right now.

But I will admit, and this is a true story...I'm student teaching and walked into a classroom the other day and a teacher I used to admire and hate because she's so pretty, tiny & perfect was wearing her nice argyle sweater and perfect make-up with her hair pulled back into...you guessed it...pigtails. I did mutter an OH.MY.HELL and thought of you :)

I'm not a parent, so I have lots of fucks and shits that I can still say :) List of favorite cusses:Fuck stickDoucheUber DoucheDouche HoleDouche NozzleFucking cuntAss hat"what kind of fuckery is THIS?!"STFUGTFOFUCK!Fuck offYour momSuck itDick bagDick hat/pants/shoes/shirt-----------One of my BFF's is a Southern Belle who is mommy of 3. Her favorite things to say are:

My new favorite is Son of a ... POOOOOOP. With the poop sounding more like a bleeped out word on tv. I'm not much help either, I'm afraid b/c I just can't control my cussing. Husband is always giving me nasty looks about it!

I'm pretty sure one of my girls' first words was "Damn". Yeah, there were "mama" and "dada", but "damn" was the first real word. One of the other triplets chose "yuck" as her first word. It is yet to be determined what our Olivia will first say. "Fuck" sounds good, though. Easy, and rolls right off the tongue. Maybe she'll even toss a "Fuck you" to one of her sisters...like a whole phrase.

I personally think swearing is a very unintelligent way to express oneself. I grew up in a family of six children. I was the only girl in the family. My dad used the word "cunt", "twat" and "fuck" in every other sentence. Just normal conversation. If you don't think that impacts a young girl and how she feels about herself, you are wrong. Swearing and denegratory name calling is not funny. It will be even less funny when you hear it coming out of your baby's mouth. Grow up.