Chasing Time

Warning: Some thoughts may be incoherent. There might be grammatical errors, too. Please understand that this is a brain bleed post.

I woke up feeling confused. I could not pin point exactly what I was feeling. I mean a lot of things went on over the past few months. In May, I started working for Yehey, and I also started being active in church. My weekdays were preoccupied with work, and my weekends were basically spent for ministry time. I tried to pause time on Saturdays, but it became more like a useless idle time. I did not really reflect.

Work

I’m really thankful for my work right now. I feel like I now have a career path. I feel like I’m in the right track. I still cannot conclude if this is something that I’ll be doing for the rest of my life. But I have to say that I’m just enjoying my job one day at a time. I’m enjoying learning and being challenged. I’m just starting out on this road. I don’t want to imagine that I still have a long way to go. I mean the thought might just depress me. One day at a time, I enjoy the roller coaster ride of being a social media specialist.

Sometimes I strain myself too hard. It’s like I have too high expectations of myself. I learned to be a little kinder. I learned not too be overly obsessed about pleasing the clients or my boss. I mean c’mon. That stresses me out, to the point that I don’t become efficient. I just make sure that I please my bigger boss, which is God. I stand on stable ground knowing that I am able to see beyond this earthly life has to offer.
It’s tempting to backslide and be too concerned with having a good image at work or pleasing people. But I cling on to my faith that there’s something way beyond the superficial life.

With all honesty and without sarcasm, I love my work. But I need cash…more cash.

Finances

I wish I could tell you that I’m financially stable. Without the help of my family, I don’t think I’ll be able to live comfortably. I’m really grateful for being able to enjoy a few luxuries. I’m grateful that they love and they still expect me to reach for the stars.

Last year, I strained myself to please them. I strained myself to meet their high expectations. I didn’t realize that the pressure they were giving me was to bring out the best in me. I did not need to please them.

I did not have to prove anything to them.

I did not have to prove anything to myself.

I am already loved. With no achievements to brag, I am completely and perfectly loved.

BUT they care for me so much that they are squeezing out the best juices out of me. They are not perfect. They are sometimes harsh when they criticize me. But I know that they only want me to be the best that I can be.

Focus on the prize, not on the pain.

I’m like in the dessert these days. I don’t live in abundance yet, but my needs are all met. Sometimes, God even spoils me with luxuries such as the Korean trip I just had. I’m planting.. planting.. planting.. I’ll harvest when it’s the right time.

Eventually, doors will open and opportunities will rush in. For now, I’ll focus on doing the right thing. I can’t overwork myself. I can’t strain myself to reach the harvesting period. I have to plant first.

Family

They’re annoying sometimes. But I am forever grateful for them. I’m looking forward to the day when they’ll be with me serving at The Feast. That day will come. I claim it. I want them to love God beyond the obligation of going to mass.

But then again, I become to rethink my spiritual journey. I think I traveled miles towards the path to God. I feel like I’m getting closer and closer to Him. Sometimes though, I feel disconnected to Him. Maybe because of my sins? Well, that sucks.

Anyway, I think part of the reason why my family do not really buy the idea of being a regular attendee of The Feast is because they don’t see much changes in me. I mean they still see the same bugnutin me. That effin sucks.

I feel like I should not have to adjust myself just to prove to them anything. Over time, I know the changes will be drastic enough for them to notice. I mean God is working inside me right now. Again, there’s a right timing for everything. I don’t think I should strain myself too much on achieving things.

I love my family. I should pull them up, instead of letting them pull me down. I should pull them towards Christ.

Love Life

Yes, I now recognize it as part of my life. LOL. Not because it exists, but because eventually I will have to open my heart. I will have to open it again. I will have to leave my fears behind and be brave enough to tear down the walls that I put around me.

Honestly, I’ve forgotten how to love. I’ve forgotten how to fall in love. I’ve forgotten how to be vulnerable and be committed to one person. Should I be worried? No. I’ll let God work within me first.

There really are a lot of things that I could not figure out about this whole romance thing. Maybe a wonderful love story will unfold. I feel like it’s beyond my control. I cannot control if the person I like would like me, too.

When I watch romantic movies, I kind of miss the feeling. I once thought that nothing beats the feeling of being in love.

Actually there is.

THE GIFT OF SINGLENESS

I think I should renew my appreciation for this special gift. It’s the time to grow as a person, to travel, to explore, to journey with God and let Him transform you to the person that He wants you to be. It’s a time when you can do things without having to think about another person. It’s the time to be free! It’s the time to savor every bit of freedom He has gifted you with.

So why is this post called “Chasing Time”?

Because I feel like there’s so much to do, but so little time. I feel like maybe my life could end any time. I wanna be able to leave the earth a better place. I want to be able to touch lives.

Be bold and go through every day with confidence for God is with you. -Joyce