Don't be afraid to seek counseling

Q: I was raised to believe that family problems ought to stay in the family. But now I'm having a problem I can't handle. I think I need counseling, but I'm a little afraid. Can you tell me what to expect?

A: We tend to think in the Good Old Days, people didn't have family problems. But the reality is they did -- they just handled them differently. One approach was to draw on the experience of members of extended families who often lived nearby.MORE INFORMATIONRESOURCES

The Warmline at 610-820-8451 or at 610-820-8549 is answered 24 hours a day. It provides free support for people experiencing emotional difficulties. Those who answer are not counselors but have been trained in active listening and make referrals to community agencies that offer mental health counseling on a sliding-fee scale and hospital and county mental health programs.Valley Wide Help, a program of the Lehigh Valley chapter of the American Red Cross, at 610-435-7111 also can refer people to community agencies, including those that provide mental-health counseling.Local hospitals' behavioral health departments can refer to private therapists and counselors. Often they are affiliated with that particular hospital.Many online sources offer information on how to choose a counselor. However, many of these sources are marketing a particular speciality, such as psychology, or a particular center or individual, or have a specific point of view. One site geared towards parents that offers questions to help choose and evaluate counselors is www.partoparvt.org/CUPSHowToChoose.html. THE TOPIC TEAMParenting experts who helped with this installment of The Family Project: Marcie Lightwood, program coordinator for Project Child, a Lehigh Valley coalition to prevent child abuse. Joanne Nigito, registered play therapist and parenting educator, Bethlehem. Ruth Doty, associate director of Family and Counseling Services of the Lehigh Valley, Allentown.But now, people often don't have that option, so it's good that you recognize that professional help might be a choice for you, say the Family Project panelists who discussed this question.

"People might feel ashamed to seek help because they think they should be able to fix or figure out things for themselves, or that if it's an emotional problem, it should be easy. But if you were having a problem with your car, you wouldn't hesitate to call a mechanic," says guest panelist Ruth Doty.

Still, there are still lots of myths about counseling that might contribute to your hesitancy, panelists add. One of the big ones is that the counselor will condemn you or tell you what to do, when nothing is further from the truth.

What the counselor does is help you assess your situation and provide you with insights and strategies that have worked for others and might work for you. For example, a person struggling with grief might not realize what he or she is feeling is normal, and a person who feels anxious all the time might not recognize he or she should go to a doctor because anxiety can be a symptom of a medical problem.

"What a counselor does is help you explore," says Doty.

So what happens when you first call a counselor's office? Usually you'll reach a receptionist or intake worker who will ask a few questions, panelists say.

Don't feel as if you have to go into too much detail right away, they advise. Usually, all you need to say is that you'd like to set up an appointment, or you can offer a brief sentence or two, such as "I'd like to talk about a situation involving my family."

If you are asked for more detail, it's probably so that you can be matched with someone who specializes in situations like yours, Doty explains. And don't be alarmed if you are asked questions such as "Are you safe from violence or abuse?" or "Have you considered harming yourself?" A counselor needs to know early on if you're facing a crisis that needs immediate attention.

Also early on, a counselor probably will talk about fees and insurance rules and the structure of sessions, so you can be prepared financially and time-wise. He or she also might gather more information about your symptoms and who's who in your family. Another category of questions might be about what you want to achieve as a result of seeking help.

Panelist Joanne Nigito stresses that counseling is not a one-way street. "If the questions feel wrong or nosy to you, just ask, "Why are you asking?' she says. "You want to have somebody you trust, or with whom you can build trust. Trust is the biggest issue."

Adds Doty: "Clients are the ones who pace the sessions. You can always say, "I don't feel comfortable talking about this' or "I don't feel comfortable talking about this right now.' A counselor should lead the process but not coerce."

The panelists stress that information in counseling remains strictly confidential, with two exceptions. Some may have to be disclosed for insurance reimbursement. And, if the counselor has evidence that a child is being abused, he or she is legally bound to tell authorities.

Counselors should discuss with you what they will do in those circumstances up front or as soon as they arise.

And, especially for parents who daily focus on the welfare of their children, counseling can offer some balance. A lot of people feel better by being able to focus on themselves for awhile. It's not selfish, panelists say -- if one person in a family isn't functioning well, the whole family will be affected.

"Plus, you set a good example for your kids," says panelist Marcie Lightwood. "You want them to ask for help, and particularly to ask you for help." Asking for help isn't a sign of failure or weakness she says. "It's a sign of strength and a sign of wisdom."

Tips on choosing a counselor

Decide whether to seek individual or group counseling. Some people are best helped one on one and are intimidated by groups, while others feel more comfortable in a group, either in a paid, private practice setting or in a free support group.

Determine whether the philosophical or religious orientation of the counselor matters. Some people may feel most comfortable with a pastor or someone who offers counseling from a religious perspective while others might prefer someone with a more secular outlook.

Ask for referrals. Use another trusted professional such as a pastor or school counselor or a medical doctor to provide names of reputable counselors. Use the phone book's Yellow Pages to get an idea of what the counselors consider their specialties.

Ask about the counselor's field of study, educational level, license or certification in a speciality, such as addictions counseling. Look also for membership in professional organizations, such as the American Psychological Association. Effective counselors can come from many backgrounds, from social work and psychology to education, medicine, the ministry and even the school of hard knocks. But remember: Only psychiatrists can prescribe drugs that may be helpful in controlling symptoms, and many times counselors from other backgrounds will refer clients to psychiatrists for that reason.

Ask questions about a counselor's approach, methods and outcomes. Try to get a feeling of whether you feel comfortable with the counselor and that he or she respects you.

Expect to make more than one call -- and perhaps visit more than one counselor -- before you find a good fit.

Don't be shy about finances. Ask about rates, insurance reimbursement and the number of sessions. Some counselors offer help on a sliding scale or can set up extended-payment plans.CONTACT THE FAMILY PROJECTThe Family Project is a collaboration between The Morning Call and parenting professionals brought together by Valley Youth House program Project Child, the Lehigh Valley's child-abuse prevention coalition.

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