Its 3 a.m., you are hungry, thirsty, and tired. Your car also needs a quart of oil, your cat needs food and there is a new movie on DVD you really want to see.

Why isn’t there a store on every corner of Tucson that can solve all those problems while only slightly overcharging in the process?

Well, there is. Circle K, located about a half mile or less from where you are currently reading, has everything the average consumer needs with only a modest markup. But how can you put a price on convenience?

By enabling consumers to purchase 144 oz. sodas and lukewarm hotdogs while pumping 40 gallons of fuel into their SUVs, Circle K is an embodiment of the America lifestyle we all know and love.

Dante Hicks, who has worked in convenience stores for more than two decades, explained the exciting life of a Circle K clerk.

“I have been robbed at gunpoint twice this year so far, and I get to eat all the nachos I can handle,” Hicks said.

“Hey, did you pay for that candy bar?” he yelled as a 13-year-old kid ran out the door. “Man, I’m not even supposed to be here today.”

Randy Lyon, who has been standing in front of a Circle K asking people for spare change since 2008, said he wouldn’t panhandle anywhere else.

“People that come into the store almost never spit or curse at me, unless it’s a hot day, which it usually is,” Lyon said. “But the Reptilians haven’t found me here yet, so Space Jesus must be happy with me.”

“I answered your questions, now where’s that 50 cents for beer you promised me?” he added.

So the next time you need some late-night munchies and are too impaired to drive to a fast-food restaurant, stumble on down to your local Circle K.

Buy some Slim Jims, the biggest ICEE they have, and tell the clerk a random life story as you pay with quarters.

You will fit right in.

Circle K stands as a beacon to weary travelers seeking a port in the storm. (Andrew Paxton/Aztec Press)