Sunday, September 27, 2009

We here at The Wardrobe (Falling Out Of) make it a point to never get involved in a land war in Asia and, some would say more importantly, we never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line.

Additionally, we throw in odd movie quotes into our blogs to see if people are paying attention. AND, we like to tell stories of embarrassing situations for our most favoritest of the blog labels: Are You Not Entertained? So get your blanket, your favorite Grandma Sisi pillow and a snuggly friend, here we go.......

(Psst, Dad, I will be using the word "bra straps" in this story. I might also be using some interesting metaphors that relate to bras. Just a heads up.)

Once upon a time there was this lovely store here in Southern California called Mervyns. It was good for picking up basic items of clothing that were a little nicer than Target but not as nice as Nordstrom and they also carried the best underwears.

In addition to the underwears, they carried a HUGE selection of sundresses. These were dresses with many different kinds of prints. Some had sleeves, some didn't. Many of them tied in the back and when they did not tie, you would often find something like fabric covered alligator clamps that would cinch your dress in the back and create a very slimming silhouette. Boys and girls, Mrs. Bethany loved those dresses. She had lots of them. But her favorite was the maroon plaid one.

The maroon plaid dress was long long long and had a long tie in the back and was strapless. She could wear the dress from work to a date with her hot hubby to church even! She could wear it while babysitting a friend's kid or hanging out at the beach. It was a beautiful relationship except for one simple flaw:

The armholes cut in toward the neck just a tiny bit more than her bra straps did. So her bra straps would sometimes show. *gasp!* This was NOT okay in the world of 1998. People weren't as willy nilly with bra straps as they are here in the world of 2009. So she searched for solutions.

Some of these included strapless bras and even an ace bandage. These were either ridiculous or uncomfortable (I will let you decide which was which) and just didn't offer the solution Mrs. Bethany was looking for.

Mrs. Bethany had heard from a friend of her sister that when faced with a similar problem, she said she just skipped the bra completely-just not worn one at all! A new concept to Mrs. Bethany, she inquired how she handled the, um, "standing at attention" problem she had should she enter a cold room. Her solution? Band Aids.

(Okay, it is at this part of the story that I will be substituting the word "bottlecap" or "bottlecaps" for the word I might need in this story that rhymes with "ripple." Are you following me? Okay then, onward. )

Mrs. Bethany believed the idea of putting band aids over bottlecaps so that your ladyness and elegance remained intact seemed like a brilliant idea. Without putting a whole lot of thought into it, the very next day she prepared herself to wear the beautiful maroon plaid dress with the band aids applied. It was okay most of the day. Different, freeing maybe, and definitely made sure that there was none of the aforementioned willy nilly strap display.

At the end of the day, feeling proud of herself and pleased that the bottlecap solution was a success, she went to change into her "home clothes." We all have them. They are the cozy sweats or yoga pants and oversized t-shirt or tank top that seem to almost apply themselves to your body when you walk in the door. Except, Mrs. Bethany had a certain bottlecap/band aid situation to take care of first.

It is at this point of telling the story that I shall spare you the step by step of the arduous process of removing something coated with incredibly strong adhesive from skin that is very soft and just let you do the Bottlecap Math. And since so many of you are so very smart, I am guessing your figures are adding up.

Mrs. Bethany had two very angry and abused bottlecaps. And Mrs. Bethany was looking for some answers from her sister and sister’s friend.

Upon talking to this sister and her friend, Mrs. Bethany discovered two things:1. Her sister’s friend hadn’t ever actually TRIED the bottlecap solution. 2. Mrs. Bethany’s sister and her friend couldn’t stop laughing.

So, boys and girls, the moral of this story is two-fold…..

Treat your bottle caps with kindness, no matter how cute the sundress may be.