I'm a new dad and jealous of the baby. What should I do?

My life has changed a lot since the baby came. I don't feel like I get enough time alone with my partner. She also seems better at taking care of the baby than I am. I'm jealous -- how can I get over these feelings?

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We tend to worry about our feelings, when in fact what matters is what we do with them. It's completely normal to be jealous of your partner's relationship with your new baby - especially if she's breastfeeding. But who's really making you jealous? Your partner because of her close relationship with the baby and all that extra time they spend with each other? Or are you jealous of the baby for coming between you and your partner, for taking up more than his "fair share" of her attention, and for having full access to her breasts when they may be too tender for you to touch? Probably it's a bit of both.

Talk about it

If you're going to get over your feelings of jealousy, you need to start by talking them through. If you can, talk directly to your partner. Whether you're feeling that you need more attention and emotional support from her or more private time without the baby, tell your partner about it as clearly and honestly as possible.

This may not be easy. You may not want to bother her with your problems right now. After all, she's just had a baby and you are supposed to be supportive. You may be afraid that she'll think you're being weak, or you may already be thinking that yourself. If you find it too hard to talk with your partner, try to talk with a trusted friend first. Sometimes talking it through with someone else helps you clarify how you feel and makes it easier to discuss with your partner.

You may also want to talk, in a more general way to friends of yours who have children of their own. They've been there and can tell you that things do get better once your routine is established. If you find it too difficult to talk to your partner or your friends, consider a therapist or a father's support group.

The worst - and most dangerous - thing you can do with your jealousy is bury it. Left unspoken, it'll make you resentful of both your partner and your baby and could ultimately damage your whole experience of fatherhood.

Actions speak louder than words

As well as talking, there are practical things you can do. Begin to build your own relationship with your baby. Do things that involve skin-to-skin contact such as bathing, cuddling, playing, putting him to bed, and changing nappies. You can also do some bottle-feeding if your partner is willing to express breast milk or if she's using formula milk.

These activities and others, such as taking the baby along when you go grocery shopping, or even putting him into a sling and taking him out for a walk, will help you bond and build your own solid relationship with your child, independent of your partner.

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