i havent been here much lately. in fact, this is the first time that i missed writing here for the past 9 years. this year is probably the busiest year ever for me. busy bekerja and fokus dgn kehidupan.

i could say that my life is quite balanced and stable for the time being. everything is in its place. i want nothing more than this. oh ya i re-buy ps4 again, and this time its totally mind and mine alone. beli pun sebab ffxv, 10 years in the making kot, i waited so long for this.

tanpa dua ni, no point ada relationship dgn sesiapa. not even FWB, or gunting dalam lipatan. at some point, nak taknak kena respek dan percayakan the other party just to get something from them. but, kita taknak discuss pun pasal benda ni.

and sure, benda ni goes both way, if guys can do it, so does girls. masing2 kena tahu boundary masing2. how far can you go, what to avoid and stuffs. love can sometimes be tiring, and it fades away in time. but, its up to you people to light up back the love between you guys. give and take. guys, belajar untuk tone down and give in, but not at the expense of your own freedom. and toleratelah dgn perangai perempuan.and girls, be inconsiderate. he might or might no say beautiful words, might and might not give you the world, but if heres there, during ups and down, put up with your shits, stay with him, support him takat mana mampu.

sup. hi. i am somehow still alive. haha. mcm biasa some days were hard some days were not. nothing much can be used to indicate my progress in life but, i manage to get the life that i wanted for now. a normal office hour time. i was bench to the office. now im doing finance, and sometimes properties. 9-6 routine which at first, a bit awkward to me.

i manage to experience office time. lunch break is freakin goddamn 1 hour. haha, selalu rehat unlimited, and boleh memilih makanan. and yup. theres time where i can go solat in the surau, so can extend the rehat time to 20 mins and another 20 during asar. getting used to it day by day. and i kinda miss working during the weekend. but hey, who am i to complain. been wanting this since like ages ago.

i was replaced with 2 young officers, who will rotate among themselves for the time being, for events and such. but something tells me that they wont last long, god pls no -___-

anyway. epi is now married. making me truly, the last guy on JG whos got...nothing. i build nothing, i have nothing. i havent done anything. i do not progress, i am stuck here, like this, wondering where and what should i do.

if u ask me what do i feel right now, i would say im lost. i could use a friend. with dots being 20k km away from me half across the world, i am a bit lonely for a guy. all im doing is just my routine to keep myself in check. work, go home, sleep, on repeat. us, didnt really talk at all. the time difference is just seems making things hard everyday. i sometimes slept at 3 or 4 tryna say good morning and greet her day properly and sometimes its so hard to get up early in the morning with me sleeping around 5 or 6.

and its the same for her. and i want to complain we are less having communication like we should and we missed a few things too. not much can be done now, and for now, im focusing on toning down a bit, have a little patience in me, trying and not to get mad while managing my anger and to channel it properly. to throw away this ego twice as majestic as everest? sigh.

mom's birthday is coming right up in 13 days. been planning to take the fam out for dinner later. seleb sekali dgn lil bruh's. satu kali jalan.

i think this is it for now. and below are the pictures of whatever happened between sep-oct

lately i have been spending too much money on food. i've been looking for comfort food, been going on indigestion problem, and unable to feel food completely. so, here i am, with revenge, and love, hunts for food that i want to eat so bad.

heyyy its been awhile. haha. i have been busy, like always. but everytime im done being busy, i embark on a journey, this time, a short and sweet gateway. last month, PD (i didnt enjoy this one bcos gotta go back to work on the next day like immediately and have some digestion problem, so i didnt enjoy the food, the atmosphere, summore personal conflict of interest). and i just now i baru balik from penang for the weekend.

and heres what i got in street art - armenian street. theres a lot of mural around, so heres a few from me. and yeah, for pokemon go people, theres a pokemon go cafe here where people stops and catch some pokemon while hanging out. every kind of people gather here erryday. naik motor, jalan kaki, dalam kete, tua muda semua dok ralit main pokemon go. its a thing here in penang. merah. betul2 dekat intersection of 2 streets. and you guys boleh sewa trishaw and kayuh kalau rajin la nak masuk dalam2 kampung and rumah kedai lama situ. best!

the most famous mural

smoking kills!

honey lemon and oreo cheese cake for my flu.

hanging out at MU home base at tunas restaurant and watch them lose the game to manchester united yestarday. incredible atmosphere. good shisha too. recomended. tapi tak sempat nak ke arjan bcos we all lepak bora bora ombak for pub/live band air.

man, i shudda've visit penang long time ago. if i knew it was this chill all the time hahaha. neway, selamat hari raya haji, see you people in the next post :)

Its my jonny boi's sani wedding. And i have the chance go to back to home town w/ falah and stay the night there. It was a good trip. Take my mind of things. Meeting the oldboys were precious. Susah gila nak jumpa bila dah umur-umur mcm ni.

Oh well. Last week hantar my mum n my dad balik dhaka. I was with this feeling, if i cant say goodbye to them when they are going, i wonder how can i say goodbye to them when the time comes. Everytime i got the chance to meet my dad, he got old. Putih dah rambut. Thinking that i am here, stuck in this life limbo of adult mess, i didnt really lived up to his expectation. Apatah lagi have my own family and start to look over him n mom. I did a lot if thinking waktu balik dari sana. Dont know if im ready for it.

Anyway. I manage to fix my sleeping pattern somehow. And now kena fix my discipline untuk kerja betul2 and not main2 n curi tulang. My record wasnt that good since puasa. So i need to score something. And will work towards it.

i intended to quit being part of the dota community numerous times. but in the end, i always drawn back to it. i keep telling people this this this but not the actual reason behind all of that.

lets start with these organization of mine. we consist of few people who are dota enthusiasts and were into dota. me personally, i have a personal background of my own. i grew up with this thing, knows people thru this thing, and contribute to it.

seeing this thing grow, and perhaps people can carry on for me, so i can slowly fade away and retire for good.

but it didnt seem to happen anyway. some people sees this as opportunity. to climb up the social ladder, just to be in the hype just bcos they are excited about things, events, the fame and shit. but then it comes to the real labor, semua pun malas. heck, they didnt even bother to tanya. apatah lagi amik port.

i have been very lazy and super laid back when ramadhan happpened. with the change in my timetable and work, it turns me a very terrible and irresponsible person. lets starts with my morning routine. i need to get to the office at least before 9. and i sleep everynight at 2, and wakes up for sahur at 4, which is a very early to me since i've moved out and stayed with jerol. i realized it was my fault bcos i cant adapt to the time. and i end up overslept till 10 - 1030, and went to work very late and lied a few times.

this is not me. and then, supposedly the time to go home at 430. but since im hunting for market out there, i always kaw tim with my driver suruh tutup pukul 2.30. so i can go home at 3. i barely came to the office since the area im working is within my travelling distance, so i took advantage of myself and my routine by sleeping late, and waking up late, in a cycle where it happened for a month n counting right until now today.

i am very disappointed with myself. and this is why i write this down so every time i came down here to rant, i would read this one and feel ashamed of myself. god. this need to stop. i keep giving myself a grace period so i can start into a new routine but it just wont work out, for now.

to list it down again, my travelling distance to office increased, and i didnt have a proper bike to go to work because it can only go at 80 kmh max. so this adds like 20-25 mins travelling time to my 45 mins ride. its hard. sometimes i have to go work early in the morning, sometimes masuk petang, this unbalanced and uncontrollable environment (seems like flexible but it does not) also contribute to this. for now theres no way to fix this besides to get a better bike which can travel a lot faster, while maintaining my sleep routine 2.30 - 6.30, so i can have a 1 hour to bersiap, another 1 hour to travel.

*i know, trying my best to fix my sleeping pattern and then i can only get my bike on september, just dont judge*

there. but thats not it.

my attitudeeeee. its the biggest. lately i have been working on n off because of my mood. when im rajin, and my higher self we in motion, i will do my work accordingly, but starting this bulan puasa, i am very lazy ya know. i keep on procrastinating. delaying petty works which can be done in a few mins, and didnt keep a very good communication between my team. i was like, ah ok, ok buat je anything report back. masuk telinga kanan keluar telinga kiri. i havent apologized to my partner for covering my ass up everytime i turned up late to the location that i needed to go. doesnt even speak to him becos i keep on hanging out on social sites while juggling thru work. he must be mad at me, thinking im a jerk, and he would smack my face off.

this, has got, to stop. and it already begin. i started with a 12 hour event routine, and yet still arrive 30 mins late, and still make it to the event despite salah jalan and so. and i spend 12 hours collecting demand list and it does feel good, and it pays. penat, layu, tapi layan je. baru terasa penat dia bekerja secara betul-betul. dah sebulan lebih sedap, ha padan muka. more events coming these few weekends as Q3 kalender starts. next is i have to make sure i show up in the office 4/5 times in a week so i can update myself with things and listen to my team and get updates about them.

and i am not used to being alone, it has been 2 months since i have been getting morning calls/texts/wake up call and someone to actually hushes me around. i miss that person sometimes, sometimes the routine. gotta get myself used to it. did it before. going to do it one more time

eh dah. sendu pula dia

fun fact : it would take 23 days to change one's routine. and it resets everytime you cheat.

i got the chance to go back a bit longer during raya. kinda miss home. everything changes. the family, the people, the environment, my friends. the batu pahat i know, suddenly, i dont know anymore. but it kinda feels the same too, somehow. oh yeah, sempatlah singgah summit haritu. all those memories, growing up there...theres no more summit parade batu pahat.

my my aunts and my cuzzies and nieces and newphews. sibuk main handphone.

it does feels like raya. waking up in the morning, hujan di almost semua tempat. and the food. gawd so nice. oh oh lupa. yeah we still organize bbq mcm biasa this year dekat pt besar. the 6th year, i think antara tahun paling tak ramai and chill je. small one. hanging out the boys as i didnt really go back to see them often. dem good people.

people keep calling me abang tarik kereta bcos of my hair do. hahah. and guess who's back in town? the JG guys. its takes forever to gather these people around, lagilah tgh raya ni. luckily hari sabtu tu masing2 dah boleh kata reda beraya, apa lagi, bersidang la. sani is getting married this coming 6 aug. marking the only ones left in JG guys were me, falah and wan. falah is getting there, wan in a few, me? i havent made any progress on this one. and i kinda promised myself not to have another one within a year. so i can focus on my things, career and maybe farm a lil bit of money for another trip. i havent went anywhere this year besides langkawi and sabah for iza's wedding. planning for pangan juga this december with jerol n lap n fami but we'll see how. desperately need vitamin beach.

the boys, 22 years and counting.

meet wiwi. the house cat. all she does is sleep, eat he cookies, pretending to watch tv and being scared all the time.

- little that you know about my work and its job scope. i need to be here and there because of my work

im sorry that i have to spend most of my weekend and time working.

- again, if you want to ask me out, or spend my time with you, please do so earlier. so i can manage my work timetable and find replacement just so we could find the time for it. everytime i wanted to tell you about what im doing until im this busy, we end up talking about you and your things. so i lose interest everytime, and only god knows how much i want to tell you about it..you wont never ask me about it..

im sorry that i have to ask you for some space and time for the time being

- little that you know that i am currently slowly adapting in to this new life. with my family moving, i need to help my mom to do this, and that. i need to manage my time just so i can talk to u without any other things dragging me down. by now you should know as the eldest son, not being there with my family while they are packing and arranging things and helping them pack, apatah lagi balik sana n help..

some time and space for us to grow is good. so you could understand me and vice versa. and we have to learn how to respect each others - ground rules, space, time and such.

what else?

i know i cant make you stay. i know i cant make you go either. i do want you to stay. but im done being in a relationship that will end up like this. by now you should know that i am not going away. i know you too. if you want to walk away from all of these, you already would. not now. not this. what happen to you? i know what happen to me.

when i ask for time and space, did i ever leave you? its just, to rply and to give myself to you would take time, but not that long. whenever im free. did i ever leave you hanging? nope. its like the usual, but less me seeing or talking to you. but im there, im here. i always do and i always was. and you act like im leaving you for someone else.

im hurt too. in case you forgot. i suffer from missing you, wanting you too. but i have to go through with it. just go with it. i want to talk to you. i want to see you so bad. but for now, just hold on. bare with me and my imperfections, learn about me. ask me things. not assume things. i love you. i want this, but if were going this way, and ifs not too late, let me save us. and if you want to be here, with me. tell me. letting go was never easy, never will be. never will do. and not with you.im tired of fighting, mentally, emotionally. please stop doing this to me. i cant take it anymore. im about to break.

ok im here not to write about this shit. im here to talk about x-men : apocalypse!

hah guess what, i watched the movie last night. few hours earlier than the release date! and overall the movie is quite ok. better than x-men 1st class and x-men days of future past.

cuma ni la sikit nak rant pasal watak apocalypse. he's like a god. with the ability to survive and switch body, simply put, he can live forever. but purpose dia as a villain is very weak. he desires to enslave humans instead of wiping them all out.

little that he knows that human are the source of the problem. why destroy the world and rebuilt just to turn them into slaves who worship you while u can destroy everything into nothingness because existence has no meaning? you are the strongest yet you seek help? what for? every villain shud take note, to conquer the world ni dah jadi side mission dari true mission which is to destroy everything.

watch ultron, watch joker. apa similarities dia? they dont want money, they dont want revenge, they dont want people to see them as gods ke apa, all they want is simply destruction because they know :

1. human doesnt deserve to live.
2. existence is nothing if you are above all.
3. you are the ultimate being and yet you seek approval from the weaklings for what? their lives is at your mercy????

heck if i do have powers just like him. hahahah i think im gonna be afraid of my villain self. i might wage war upon other planets and maybe destroy the whole universe too. getting earth blown up is just the beginning. i have the power do change the world, why i should spare you, you and you? i do not need others but myself. the power to create, the power to destroy, i had it all.

ok habis part apocalypse yg lemah lagi menjijikkan mata. lets talk about the post-credit scene. theres some guy from some company taking vials of wolverine's blood (weapon x) and that dude is from essex company *cough, spoilers, cough, mister sinister, or perhaps the wolverine next movie*

tak tahu ke tak i should or should not talk about this, tapi entahlah i think i should. honestly, if u ask me, i would like to quit from twt_dota like, for good. i know i have been trying, and trying but somehow i cant. and now that we're getting this and that, which i cant reveal yet, theres one thing that i am afraid. people are not working or take this seriously. i am not sure either its me who overthink, or its not this serious. but yeah, everytime ada benda baru, "these" people akan semangat gila babi, meeting n such, and when it happens, "these" people are no where to be found. all im saying is, wheres the commitment.

i feel sorry for those who have to cover/stand in for them. i know ini semua keje free based on minat n such, but people needed to be thanked, and di hargai. bukan dah habis tinggal. and that is the reason why people leave half way. to have an idea, is easy. to make it work and run it, thats another thing. takat ni aku masih nak amik responsibility lagi. and one more thing aku tak pandai nak cakap elok2, or subtly, sebenarnya, kalau nak ikutkan, takpayah pun aku nak sibuk2 pening memikir ke apa, boleh je tinggal, just aku bukan orang mcm tu. i've started this, and i think i should end this. bila takde apa, semua dah bersepah2 buat itu buat ini fokus dgn keje n so. well, me too. i do have a day job and still have to think about all of these. but u guys pun kenalah betul2 komited. if tak boleh komit or tak boleh elak hal yg u know will happen either u like it or not, or tak boleh sacrifice tido ke game lain ke apa, dont agree. simply put, our organization is not organized and dont think we cud pull this off, with this kind of attitude. kita pun buat suka2.

III.

i have this lady friend. who were always find herself in trouble. and everytime when shes innit, she will look for you. dont know and dont care for whatever reason, to her, everything you said were just plain evil. to destroy her. to bring her down. and yet, shes there, looking for you. and guess what? it was all about her. all the time. her life. her work. her things. her this. her that. and yet i didnt complaint any. tak kira la bila-bila pun, apa-apa pun, mesti about her. it was never about me. including bila motor aku hilang last 2 week, and aku dekat balai tgh buat report. sikit pun aku tak cakap dgn dia pasal tu and dia still sibuk2 nak tanya and complain itu ini. and we somehow get into a serious fight, despite aku lansung taknak pun bertekak dgn dia. aku rasa aku dah habis tolerance dah. and done dgn semua ni. till day one, im with her. and bila aku cakap something and dia rasa dia tak gemar, dia pilih tuk memusuhi aku. sigh.

tiga - she got to stop thinking that the world revolves around her. and she got to get her mind straight. stop lah cari attention dgn nak complain about things everytime. kita dah besar kot. mmg la bermasalah sebab kita dah mula galas tanggungjawab yg sama ada kita suka, atau tak suka. mend your own shit. live with it. not everything is about you or to against you.