Every year around Mother’s Day, I wonder why I don’t see any cards that I relate to. Cards that speak to me. Cards that praise the everyday accomplishments of mothers everywhere.

Like calling poison control and discovering that the thing your kid ate is non-toxic. Or answering 204 questions in the span of an hour and a half without giving yourself a concussion just for the peace and quiet. Or getting anything—really, even one. single. thing—done while children are in your care.

So, because I’m a giver, I’ve whipped up some e-cards that really capture the spirit of Mother’s Day.

As we all know, kids are a little nutty and being a parent is crazy hard. When Mother’s Day rolls around, we thank our mothers for being kind, or for “raising us right” (whatever that means), or for always being there.

The truth is, though, the thing you should be most thankful for is that your mother never threw you in a river, gave you to the mafia, or sent you packing on a hot air balloon never to return. Basically, if you survived your childhood at the hands of an exhausted, tried, worn out mother—she wins. She wins a million points forever.

So, I made a card for all you kids to send out if you wanna keep it real this Mother’s Day.

People. I am SO. tired. Pooped, if you will. It’s six days before Christmas and we have been elfing our freaking socks off around here (whoa…kinda sounds super dirty. Hmm.) and now I’m sleepy.

Christmas, since the beginning of my life, has been a bitch. To start things off, I was born on Christmas. Now this is the single dumbest day of the year to be born. Trying to hold a celebration for little ol’ you in the midst of those two rabid attention-getters, Jesus and Santa, is like trying to have reasonable discourse on Facebook. No one cares. It just isn’t going to happen. So I ended up getting those Christmas/birthday combo presents for a few years, then my parents decided to celebrate on a different day and somehow chose Valentine’s day (?)…I know. I don’t know what was going on there, either.

But that major scheduling conflict was just the beginning. By the time I was actually old enough to engage in the Christmas season, my family had cultivated habits that resulted in all-out, full-tilt calamity every year. It was as if Christmas staged a surprise coup on our household and, every year, we were caught unawares. “Whhhaaaa? Christmas again?!” we’d shout as we took cover behind the recliner. “What will we do?!!”

Takin' it back…

We’d end up wandering stores on December 23rd, just putting things in the cart in a sort of red-eyed desperation. We’d all go to the store together, then break into groups and go shopping in different combinations so we could buy presents for each other. It was a big, complicated, last-minute, stress-filled exercise in consumerism, which typically ended with us back at home, decorating the tree and arguing, while a Sandi Patty Christmas (anyone?) cassette played in the background.

But that was when I was a kid. Now I’m an adult, and I decided a few years ago that I was going to do Christmas awesome. I was going to plan, and be thoughtful and considerate and contemplate the “reason for the season” and all kinds of rad crap. There would be no panic, no frenzy, no meaningless, obligatory purchases…no, my house would be filled to the brim with good feelings and cinnamon smell. We’d sit around laughing through our eggnog mustaches while classic Christmas songs caressed our ears. We would all smile at how ol’ Duke the dog loved to join when Jingle Bells came on. “Ha ha ha!” we’d say. Just like in the movies.

I would start by making all of my presents by hand. Wouldn’t that be lovely?

Okay, just stop right there. Yes, that is a cute idea. But another way to say it is, “I will start a sweatshop and employ only myself.” It was madness. Madness, I tell you! I was doing so much knitting that my fingers were cramping like I was an 85-year-old arthritic woman. The tips of my fingers throbbed when I finally went to sleep at night. So the next year, I decided to just sew all the presents because, you know, that would be easier. Nope, just as hard. Just as miserable.

So this year, we’re just buying presents. And somehow, it’s still crazy. I started my Christmas list in September, you all. SEPTEMBER! But it doesn’t matter! There is literally no planning day early enough to avoid the insanity that is Christmas. I don’t think it’s just me, either. I mean, that one lady pepper sprayed other shoppers. That’s gotta be a bad omen for our whole society.

I did buy a cinnamon candle, though, so I’ve got that going for me. But I actually really hate eggnog. And we don’t even have a dog. And if we DID have a dog, I’d name him Bilford O’Reily-ahan, not Duke. I don’t know why I thought I could build an idyllic Christmas full of nog-drinking and dog-admiring.

But I AM trying. I’m trying, people, okay? Next year I’ll start my shopping (not just planning) in March. I’ll buy presents and wrap them and stick them in the closet so they’ll be a surprise even to me when Christmas rolls around. By the time my daughter is cognizant of Christmas I’ll have this crap down.

Like this:

It’s Christmas time! And the only kind of Christmas music that I like is the kind that swings—you know, the old, classic, Big Band kind. I even have a Pandora station that plays THE BEST music. It’s awesome. (You can listen to it here if you like. You’re welcome.)

There’s only one teensy weensy problem—you can’t listen to any Christmas station without hearing “Baby It’s Cold Outside” and that song has been ruined for me for all time. Why? Because my dear friend Cookie told me once that “Baby It’s Cold Outside” sounds a whole lot like date rape. Perfect. Ruined.

No means no! Even for you, Dean-o.

At first, I thought, “That’s crazy!” but then I started listening to the lyrics. Even the description on Wikipedia sounds totally suspect:

The lyrics in this duet are designed to be heard as a conversation between two people, marked as “mouse” and “wolf” on the printed score. Every line in the song features a statement from the “mouse” followed by a response from the “wolf”. Usually the “wolf” part is sung by a male and the “mouse” by a female.

So, a lady mouse is being stalked by a dude wolf. No big deal. And the song starts off kinda friendly. She’s saying she has to go, and he’s just giving her some sensible weather information, and pointing out that he’s built a lovely fire to warm her hands by. What a gentleman. So then she says, “Oh, okay, I’ll stay for half a drink.”

Lady Mouse: I really can’t stay Dude Wolf: But baby it’s cold outside
LM: I’ve got to go away DW: But baby it’s cold outside
LM: This evening has been DW: Been hoping that you’d drop in
LM: So very nice DW: I’ll hold your hands they’re just like ice
LM: My mother will start to worry DW: Beautiful, what’s your hurry?
LM: And father will be pacing the floor DW: Listen to the fireplace roar
LM: So really I’d better scurry DW: Beautiful please don’t hurry
LM: Well maybe just a half a drink more DW: Put some records on while I pour

“Yessssss…” he says to himself whilst rubbing his wolfy paws together. And a couple of lines later…

Later on she says, “The answer is no,” and lists off all of her relatives and associates that will be calling her a floozy in the morning (including her “maiden’s aunt”, whose “mind is vicious”…kooky) to which he responds by incessantly complimenting her lips. It doesn’t sound like she ever leaves. They just end the song with both of them singing “It’s cold outside!” and that’s it.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you ruin a perfectly good, campy, Christmas-time song.

Like this:

Or Thanksgiving, as it’s known to those who don’t have an insatiable lust for tinsel, candy canes, gift receipts and reindeer blood (only in Denmark).

Oh, noble Thanksgiving, what has happened to you? You used to be the star of autumn but now you’re dwarfed next to Halloween and Christmas like an accountant seated between two sumo wrestlers in coach.

You used to be the day of food, but I have to say that the Super Bowl stole that one from you. I mean, even turducken can’t compete with octodogs (my brother’s favorite) and deep-fried mini Philly cheese steaks (I’ve actually eaten that trash. Mmmm…tasty trash.).

Christmas and Halloween totally have you beat on the product front. Can’t you cross stitch a pilgrim’s hat on a sweater or come out with some turkey skin tights that smell like butter and rosemary? It’s all about the products! Get in the game, Thanksgiving! You’re totally behind in the polls.

But not in my heart. No, in my heart, Thanksgiving is possibly the best of all of the holidays. It’s all about good food, and even better friends. Where Halloween is essentially a dry-run for diabetes and Christmas doles out anticipation and anxiety in equal measure, Thanksgiving is just joy, good times and gratitude. If Oprah, Martha Stewart and a team of fairies were tasked with coming up with a new holiday, I’d bet it would look a lot like Thanksgiving.

So while the Target stores and seasonal aisles will all blow past Thanksgiving like a teenager past a yellow light, I’ll be doing my best to stretch it out until the last bite of turkey is gobbled.