Government ends austerity due to protest march

by philapilus

“Just to show how sorry I am, there’ll be one of these stuffed full of cash for everyone”

George Osborne will today officially announce the end of the Conservative austerity programme, after the government learned of an impending demonstration organised by The Peoples Assembly Against Austerity.

Mr Osborne said “We knew that austerity wasn’t popular, but I don’t think any of us realised how unpopular it truly was. I mean, these people are going to actually do a protest march tomorrow. They’re not going to sit around reading the papers and having a late brunch, they’re going to march with their actual feet; that’s how strongly they feel about it.

“I’m just really sorry that we’ve clearly upset so many of you. And obviously a really big thank you to The People’s Assembly for bringing this to our attention.”

The government will tomorrow announce new anti-austerity measures, including giving everyone in the country a big wad of money, doubling the number of civil service posts, and taking everyone’s dear old granny out for a cup of tea once a week.

As a corollary, all bankers will be stripped naked and tied to benches around the city, where the public will be encouraged to sodomise them with splintery broom handles.

People’s Assembly spokesman Simon Piles said “I always knew somehow that holding this demonstration would change the government’s mind. Austerity’s rubbish, cos with austerity, a lot of our members have to go to work. Thank god the tories have seen sense.”

But Samantha Furcup, whose cranium is not empty, said “I hate the fucking tories, the bankers are scum, and as a single mum austerity is fucking me over hugely. But it would be kind of nice if people in this country did a bit more thinking and engaging in politics, and a bit less marching up and down in the hope that elected representatives will all just do what’s illiterately scrawled on their placards.