In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, I’d like to share a list of elements that I feel are required to have sex in a public place. This list applies to restaurants, bars, lounges and nightclubs and is the result of multiple conversations, planning and observation. Please feel free to use this list when the charms of your partner overwhelm you and you just can’t wait to get home.

Willing partner: Clearly, none of this will work if you don’t actually have one other person willing to participate in your immoral acts. I don’t think this list works with multiple partners. More than two participants will probably cause too much commotion, unless all the participants are ninjas or something.

Easy access clothing: Clothing that is not easy on and off (or at the very least, easily moved out of the way) is problematic. You may not have the time to fumble with multiple buttons, snaps and crap like that. You better know how to put a condom on pretty fast too.

Familiarity: This isn’t the time to figure out what works for your specific partner. You’ve got to do what feels good sooner rather than later. If you’ve never taken the time to figure out in the comfort of your own bed, the chances of this being anything more than a clumsy grope session are slim. The adrenalin of the situation might make this step easier, but it won’t take the place of experience and skill.

Low lighting: Less light reduces your visual profile, which might give you more time to play. Bright lights are not conducive to an erotic mood, unless you get turned on by an operating room. Line of sight is an equally useful concept. If the nearest person is 50 feet away, but they can see you every time they look up, you’ve got a no go situation. If the nearest person is 10 feet away, but they are around the corner or on the other side of a close door, go for it. Just lean your partner up against the door to keep it shut.

Ambient noise: If there is background music, it can drown out moans, groans and other inadvertent noises. Playing in a quiet room where only muffled conversations and clinking silverware is a challenging scenario. Again, if you and your partner are ninjas, this isn’t really an issue for you.

Isolation: This won’t work if there is there is a couple sitting right next to you, unless you have no shame at all or they’re doing it too. You need some separation from the crowd before you can get started. Remember line of sight here. You might be able to deal with someone close by if they can’t see or hear you.

Working space: Tables or chairs packed to close together inhibit your ability to move. A booth, lounge sofas, and loveseats (naturally) are the best places to work. If you are dealing with a table and chairs, you might want to discreetly move them away from you so you’re ready when the time is right. You don’t want to waste time moving furniture when you could be playing.

Poor service: When the waiter is showing up every five minutes to refill your water glass, you don’t have a big window of opportunity. If you have to wait twenty minutes just to get a menu and she never shows after your entrée shows up, you have time to handle your business. Think about that the next time your waiter sucks. It will make waiting easier.

Patience: You’re not going to find all the elements listed above at the first place that you go to. You might have to hunt around for a while before the stars align. It’s actually ironic. If you want to get caught up in the heat of the moment, you have to wait for the right circumstances. If you don’t have the patience of a hunter, maybe you should just let the moment pass and take them home.

Bravery: She might not wear panties that night and be more willing than you. You might be in a dark lounge in a secluded corner with techno music drowning out all the sound. You might even be a ninja. You still have to accept the fact that you might get caught. Everyone in the place might find out. You might get thrown out. You might wind up in the New York Post. You might have your pants around your ankles when all of this happens. If you can’t deal with the consequences if the whole thing goes south, maybe you shouldn’t get started.

If you have any additional elements, please share. I can always use new ideas.