Mockery Machine

Friday, 28 February 2014

We open on a vaguely Asian inspired temple. Full of bats. Just chock full of bats.

China is full of bats.

Inside two shifty looking dudes are kowtowing to a giant gold statue of Buddha with his crotch on fire.

This is also clearly not Buddha. I don't know who this guy is supposed to be.

The fire in Buddha crotch births forth a... he looks like a power ranger. Like when the power rangers go to Asia that one time and get Asian style costumes. It looks like that. He tells the two worshippers to get the mask of kan tu for him.

Go Go Power Racist!

The worshippers reveal their faces and it turns out they're like... ghost apes or something? Seriously what the hell is going on here.

Why do they look so horrified?

We then cut to the gang who are apparently in Asia. How they got any money to travel is a mystery, but I sure do love how fucking ridiculous they look surrounded by vaguely realistic looking Asian people.

Fred's smile is full of malice. He thinks of nothing but bloodshed.

The gang are watching a Chinese New Years parade. One really disconcerting thing is that none of the Chinese people in the background blink. Like, ever. Shaggy and Scoob fall over and we get this unadulterated shot of the Chinese crowd. I love the way all Chinese people either wear old ancient master robes or jumpsuits. And that that one Chinese lady has an umbrella for no goddamn reason.

They don't ever move or blink. They might as well be cardboard cut-outs.

The gang decide to look in some curio shops. The first one they enter has a mysterious gentlemen try and sell them a mask. Fred declines by saying something like: "no thanks, clone faces are more my day" or maybe "no thanks, palm faces are more my day", cone faces maybe? chrome faces? seriously I have no idea what he's talking about. Daphne however, declares it groovy, and just straight out buys it.

Buy this grumpy mask.

Shaggy and Scoob comment that maybe Daphne wants to use the mask to scare up a couple of new boyfriends. I can't tell if they're calling her a whore or lonely.

Velma is smug enough to kill a horse.

Daphne shouldn't have bought that mask, the white gorilla ghost dudes are furious, and start harassing the shopkeeper. The shopkeeper immediately sells out Daphne, and the ghost gorrillas swear revenge.

Perpetual disgust.

The gang encounter the ghost gorrillas on the street, and Velma becomes a Hindu goddess.

Velma is surrounded by the ghosts of her past.

The ghost gorillas demand the mask, (which Daphne staunchly refuses to give up, even though she'll clearly be killed if she doesn't), and everyone fucking mutates.

GIANT HAND! GIANT HAND!

Velma is replaced by a whiny ten year old billionaire for a split second.

Scooby tries to scare them off but is clearly just loose skin and a skeleton by this point in his life.

Crying or laughing?

Scooby steals a shirt presser from a Chinese laundry, and creates a steam screen so that the rest of the gang can escape. The gang then decide to visit A. Fong, who, according to Velma, is the "only Oriental Art Dealer in this side of town." Does... does she mean all of China? Because that is clearly not true.

This guy knows it.

Turns out the mask was stolen from the Crypt of someone I swear to god they keep calling Zen Two Oh, and now his ghost is out for revenge. The two ghost gorillas are apparently zombies. Fred takes this way too well, it seems like whenever anyone is telling the gang how much danger they are in, Fred is just hard as a rock beneath his bell-bottoms.

All of them look fairly aroused.

As the gang leave A. Fong's they are persued by the gorilla zombies in some kind of tricked out automobile. It's awesome.

Doesn't this look like a still from a far better 70's cartoon about ghosts racing.

There's another swingin groove song during the whole chase sequence, again very irrelevant, this one seems to be about how great life could be if only the object of the singers desires would love him. As you can clearly see this has little to nothing to do with gorrilla Zombies and a stolen mask.Still, the chase sequence has its moments.

Whenever I'm in China, I always like to stay at: Hotel.

Fred cannot see the road and will crash.

Fuck this show.

The gang land in a pile of dead fish. As Scoob searches for Shaggy his arm becomes green. Which is a weird mistake to make, really.

It's the same Green as Shaggy's shirt weirdly enough.

What's even weirder is that, when Scooby fails to find shaggy from his first search, and goes looking again, his arm once more becomes green.

Also those fish are fucking massive.

Anyway, that aside, it turns out the ghost gorilla zombies have kidnapped Daphne, which is pretty par for the course. The gang find a "Chinese Laundry Ticket" apparently dropped by the ghost zombies. They never got out of the car so I don't know how, but anyway, it says something like: "IN THE HITTZ THE LEWBTE."

Gibberish.

Apparently it just needs to be reversed in the mirror. That's not how mirror writing works, right? Doesn't it need to be back to front, not upside down? The fuck. Whatever, it apprently says: "THE TEMPLE IN THE HILLS", so the gang decide to head there. The temple. Like, in all of China, this is the only one. Come on guys. The fuck.

Where are the bats though?

The gang arrive at the temple, which is the same one from earlier for those playing at home. The gang split up, because of course they fucking do, and Fred and Velma find Daphne. They don't untie her right away, creepily enough, and instead pretend they don't know what her cries for help mean. It's creepy. Apparently it was also a trap, and the three of them are left to starve to death I guess.

"I wonder if she wants out? I wonder if she hates it here?"

Shag and Scoob are of course, fucking around getting into hijinx, again, only good for a couple of snapshots.

A portent of racism to come.

Scooby is basically a motorcycle for the next minute or so.

I dare anyone to explain this.

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

At one point Shaggy and Scooby pretend to run a "Haunted Chinee Restraun'" it's just awful.

So.... so racist.

For some reason Shaggy's "chinee" accent is just him talking like a baby. Also at one point the show becomes so racist I'm surprised I didn't shit myself and die from the sheer bigotry coming out of my computer screen.

*vomits*

Shag and Scoob find themselves captured and tied together on top of a whole heap of fireworks. It's amazing, unfortunately they just sit on it and put it out.

I don't know what is going on with Scoob's legs here, but it isn't good.

In their fuckery Shag and Scoob free the rest of the gang, and the lot of them head off in search of clues. They find a pigeon coup full of carrier pigeons. Apparently that means the mystery is close to solved. Fred describes a trap that, I shit you not, involved Shaggy's model train set from the Mystery Machine. I love so much that Fred is just going to use something probably very dear to Shaggy to catch a ghost. Fred does not give a fuck.

"Hey Shaggy?" "What?" "Fuck your childhood."

Predictably the trap fails.

Scooby is so terrified right now you don't even know.

They still manage to capture the lot of them anyway, turns out it was A. Fong from before. Which, honestly, makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. As they explain what happened, the detective looks so unimpressed.

"I think I'm going to go home and shoot my wife."

They whole episode ends with a mouse eating a Scooby snack, and I once more get to see what madness looks like close up.

Thursday, 13 February 2014

So we open on several skyscrapers in some unnamed city, we then cut to the Movart Collection of Rare Jewels. I googled Movart and all I got was Google asking if I was an idiot who actually meant Mozart.

Shouldn't there be glass on these display cases? No wonder people steal them.

Suddenly, from the window, this shady looking green dude leers in at all the gems. Look at that leer, also look at that distended shoulder, Jesus Christ.

Are... are you all right dude? Need someone to pop that back in?

He leaps in through the window, naps a medallion of some sort, and then descends the building Spider-Man style, cackling like a maniac.

Friendly Neighbourhood Pervert

As he reaches the ground, there's this security guard who is just like, standing out the front staring off into the middle distance. When the leery dude lands he turns around and yells "It's the ghost of Hyde!" presumably he means Hyde as in Jekyll and, which shows a serious misunderstanding of both the story of Jekyll and Hyde and just also basic reality.

He looks lost. Someone should help him.

Also all he does is blow his whistle in his efforts to stop Hyde. He doesn't even tell him to stop.

Luck he has a whistle because ghosts fucking hate whistles.

We cut to the Mystery Machine parked out the front of a Malt Shop. It appears as though Fred has replaced his license plate with a strip of orange plastic.

It's not even like it's lazy animation, the car next to it has a number plate.

The creeper climbs into the Mystery Machine and we cut inside to the gang. Their waiter asks them how the Magic Show at the High School was, they say it was great, but really, how good could it have actually been.

A lie.

Scooby then summons two tiny ghosts and dances.

Shaggy is far far far too pleased.

He then robs Shaggy of yet another meal, the punishment for which Shaggy suggests should be death.

"I'll do a vanishing Scooby act!"

The gang then leaves and begins discussion of a movie called "I Was a Teenage Blob". Velma describes how the Blob would hide in the back of cars and jump out at it's victims. She then does this nasty throaty laugh for way too long. Hyde then pokes his head out of the blanket he was hyding under and makes this stupid face, like he's thinking "Oh man, dude, that's what I'm doing. Today is the best."

"Oh man it's good to be me!"

Fred takes a creepy short-cut because of course he does, and when Velma and Shaggy complain about it giving them the chills, Fred replies "that's because the heaters broken." Fred you are so scary.

Fred's will is law.

Scooby then reveals Hyde, who scares everyone out of the Mystery Machine and into a log. Scooby once again bends the laws of space and time and somehow crams his whole head through a tiny hole in the log.

Scooby Snake

Hyde then runs off into the marshes. Wait... what the fuck kind of city is built right on the edge of an empty Marsh. Why did Hyde want to get to the marsh? Why was Fred taking them there? Velma then claims that it must have been the ghost of mister Hyde, based on his facial features. Is Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde a factual event in this world? One that is so well known everyone just know's how they look at a glance. Also it is pretty clear here that Daphne has no clue what is happening.

She's just waiting for someone to explain it to her.

Fred forces the gang to follow Hyde, who eventually leads them to a creepy mansion in the woods. Velma mocks Shaggy for being scared, and Shaggy fuses with Scooby out of fear.

IT'S A GOOD TIME FUSEARAMA!

Just kidding, Shaggy is actually chewing on the disgusting, mud filled nails of a great Dane . Scooby looks suitably affronted about this.

Scooby looks so betrayed.

The gang heads in and Fred's body betrays him for the inhuman elder thing he really is.

Just imagine his neck gets longer and longer until he's this pink snake with Fred's head saying "Well Gee Gang!"

The gang fall into a trap pretty much straight away, and Scoob gets his nose caught in a spring. It's actually pretty sad if you imagine it's a real dog.

Seriously, saddest thing.

The gang just lie there having the most powerful non-penetrative orgy ever imagined.

Fred's hurting, but it's a good hurt.

They find that they've landed in a laboratory, one which Velma claims must belong to the ghost of Hyde. Does ghost mean something else in Scooby Doo's America?

Nothing here achieves anything.

Turns out it belongs to actual living scientist Dr. Jekyll. I use scientist pretty loosely here, apparently he's becoming the monster because he made a vitamin supplement and something went wrong. Something would have to go pretty fucking wrong for it to make you turn into Hyde's ghost. I'm starting to think this guy with a dusty basement full of cobwebs and old glassware isn't a scientist at all.

"I DRINK EVERYTHING I CREATE!"

Fred promises Dr. Jekyll that the gang will help solve the mystery, so the gang begins to search the mansion. You know what that means, Hy-motherfucking-jinx. Again only notable for a couple of snapshots.

There were bats in the chest. Someone, for some reason, filled a chest with bats.

Never ape a grape mape.

Was this comedy in the 60's? Animals yelling at other animals?

Eventually the hyjinx stop and Scooby and Shaggy are accosted by a stern housemaid who's body is just not in proportion. Her head is tiny!

Some kind of German Super-soldier.

The rest of the gang are searching another part of the mansion. Fred is just pawing at the fire place, like, I can't quiet explain it but he's just like flopping his hands all over it. Eventually he finds a piece of burnt newspaper depicting a famous trapeze artist. There is also some classic Scooby Doo hieroglyphs.

Not English

Fred explains what a trapeze artist is to Daphne and I literally cannot figure out how she's actually standing in this snapshot. Like, how does her hand and arm work here? Why is she so close to velma, also she's huge. It is seriously insane.

MC Escher, where are you?

Fred then puzzles over what it could all mean whilst Velma just kicks it.

Velma is just so fucking sassy.

We cut back to Shaggy and Scooby who are in a library looking through books. It's awesome, some of the books have the best titles, including: Lizards, Snakes, Plastic Surgery, Marquis De Sade, and my personal favourite, "Dracula Manual"! Holy shit! A manual for Draculas! Also the Marquis De Sade thing is pretty dark considering he was like the inventor of sadism. Still not as good as Dracula Manual.

A MOTHERFUCKING MANUAL FOR DRACULAS!

Then you know, more hijinx.

Creepy fucking hijinx.

Pretty racist hijinx too.

Velma, Daphne, and Fred are searching a hallway, Velma finds a schute that leads to the Laundry Room. Daphne wonders what might be in there. Laundry, Daphne, it's- it's laundry.

Don't look so smug Daphne you god-damned idiot.

Shaggy and Scoob come hurtling down a banister and smack into Velma, causing the three of them to tumble down the laundry shoot. Shaggy then gets his neck broken by an ironing board.

Shaggy dies on the cold stone floor. It is a tragedy.

Velma finds some muddy boots and decides Helga the maid is to blame, so the whole gang goes up to her room to harass her. In her room they find phosphorous paint and some knock-out drugs. Scooby eats a banana and that's a joke. Shaggy then says he found something of note in the fruit-bowl but Hyde kidnaps him before he can tell them. Fred, simply, does not care.

*yawns*

Hyde has taken Shaggy to the laboratory, where he intends to turn Shaggy into a frog. I don't... why? He's not really a ghost... or a witch I guess. Then we get hijinx to a rad sixties love song for no discernable reason, so that's new and neat. I love so much how irrelevant it is to what's happening. Here's a link to a creepy you-tube video about Fred and Daphne to the same song, (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KuSMLTGIqQI) Anyway there are hijinx:

An avocado with a dinosaurs face.

Shaggy remembers everything.

No comment.

Well, yuck.

Shaggy revelas that he found suction cups in the fruitbowl, and Daphne just suddenly looks really really tired.

"Fred, I just... I just can't right now."

Fred comes up with a trap involving everyone dressing up like Hyde and scaring him into a trapdoor. Turns out it was Dr. Jekyll. Turns out he was angry because he was a shitty scientist and so he just started committing crimes. Which is, well, pretty pathetic. He doesn't explicitly go to prison, but it's probably safe to assume he will.