On My Own

Nothing prepared me for college! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! After high school, I attended the University of Central Arkansas in Conway, AR. This experience should have been one of the best experiencing of my life, and it was, but it was also one of the darkest! I have made reference to and alluded to this throughout the book, but when you have an addiction to something, you learn adaptive coping mechanisms that sometimes remain hidden to others when you are not ready to let that addiction go. Church became my coping mechanism! The test would now come because I have been removed in a sense from that environment, now what would I do. The excitement of course of being away from home was a cushion that would help me actually get my mind away from a lot of things, and it helped a lot. I remember the Sunday that I left for college. I did not go to church that day as I had packed that Saturday night and finished up Sunday morning and my dad had promised that he would take me to my first official day of college. I could look and tell he was already “lit”, meaning had some “juice” in his system, at only 11:00 in the morning. We went by the church first so I could say bye to my mother and my twin sisters, who were about 5 or 6 yrs old at the time. My mother came out after I asked one of the churches ushers to get her for me. A lot of the members knew I was leaving for college as well, and some that saw me gave me come encouraging words as well as those “remember you are saved” speeches. My mother and sisters came out and I gave them a kiss and hug and she asked various questions to make sure I had things needed. It’s kind of funny now because you would have thought I was going to school out of state, and I’m only going 30 minutes away. My brother made the trip with me as well, and seeing my dad a little “under the influence”, I decided that I would drive his truck down as he dozed off and took a nap. Thirty minutes later, we are pulling up to Arkansas Hall at the University of Central Arkansas, and I go in to get the information on the room I would be staying in and the instructions of the Hall. After I checked in, I started seeing familiar faces from my high school, as well as some of the people I had gone to school with at some point from elementary up to high school. I saw friends of my cousins who knew me, people of friends that I had, and others. My brother basically helped me get everything in the room while my dad sat in one of the chairs in my new dorm and slept. We knew about how long he needed to just sleep it off before he was good to go and we gave him that amount of time while we put things up and away. My brother and I had never been separated from each other, but now it was time for both of us to venture on our own. I’m a freshman in college, and he is now a senior getting ready for his last year in high school. We woke my dad up and he was good to go…LOL! He gave me the father son speech. He was proud of me for making the decision to go to college and just encouraged me to “make something good of yourself” and “just do better than your old man”. I gave him a hug. He reached in his pocket and gave me 100.00 for spending money and walked out of the room. My dad had this look on his face when you knew he was about to cry, and he just merely walked out and didn’t want to cry in front of me. My brother was left looking at me and we both knew we were growing up and the time would come that our own lives would have to start, and this was the first step. We both teared up a bit, and I walked him out to the front of the dorm and saw him and my dad fade into the parking lot and drive off. I was able to meet new people, get involved in many activities early that kept me pretty busy, and my mind from wandering.

Keep in mind that for me, to be able to go a complete 48 hours without giving into the urge to masturbate was a miracle. There were times I couldn’t go a complete day without giving into the urge. I’m now left alone in this dorm full of anxiety because I know Avery! I know Avery has been great at covering up and acting as if he is really perfect and saved. I know Avery gives in to the temptation at the drop of a dime. I know Avery NEVER DEALT WITH HIS ISSUE, NOW WHAT IS AVERY GOING TO DO BEING LEFT ALONE? I tried my best to keep my mind clear and free, but it was definitely a challenge! This campus was full of some of the prettiest girls from all corners of the state and surrounding areas. This was going to be a fight! My roommate had not yet come because he was a senior, and made his way to the dorm later in the week. I knew that if I stayed in that room too long that I would not be good, so I did everything I could to stay out. I had plenty of friends and a cousin that was at the university as well so I spent a lot of time with her and my friends. The first few days were filled with activities for freshmen, so I kept pretty busy and it helped! If I can remember correctly, my roommate came in sometime Tuesday while we were doing freshmen activities. I remember a break of sorts and going to my dorm to put some items up that I had gathered throughout the day, and walking in the room and seeing some of his belongings on his side of the room, and I knew then he had made it in. It would be another 6 to 7 hours before I actually met him, and the way we met, triggered so much of the stuff I was trying to get free from. After dinner, I went and hung out with some of my friends at the student center until it got dark. We walked the campus for a while because so many of the students were just out and about not doing anything. As the night’s festivities came to a close, we headed back to the dorm and hung out in the lobby for just a bit playing ping pong cracking jokes and having fun. It was time for me to call it a night and I headed to my dorm. I would say it was close to 11pm when I put my key in the lock and turn the door and opened it only to find my roommate whom I had not personally met yet, with his girlfriend’s legs parted like the Red Sea and he going to town on her like he was drilling for gold. I walk in and he quickly jumps under the cover with her and they start laughing. I’m standing in the doorway with my jaw to the bottom of the floor and they are just laughing. He introduces himself to me and his girlfriend, and they just get under the covers and finish….WHILE I’M IN THE ROOM. This dude was a character! I would soon find out how much trouble I was in by staying in that room with him. Up until now, I really had no problems with watching pornography as it hadn’t been made readily accessible to me, but I would quickly find out my college roommate and his girlfriend were hardcore exhibitionist! Some of the things that I walk in and saw were crazy. I had heard of certain things people would do, but to actually see them do it and care nothing about someone being around was mind blowing. I don’t know how many nights I walked up to the door and heard her moaning and groaning and just went to the lobby to finish studying. There were many mornings I would wake up and she laying butt naked in the bed next to him. How in the ham and cheese did he sneak her in here when visiting hours were over? At this point, I was really trying to do right, but the spirits that this dude was releasing in the room was too much for me so much so that after about 3 months, I was in the Resident Assistant’s Office wanting to move, and things lined up for me so that I was able to jump ship and move to another room. After meeting with the RA, it was a matter of hours before I was out of that room and now moving in the room of Anthony Stanley, who has been a loyal friend and brother even until this day. I needed that break so bad. I don’t think I could take walking in MY dorm with another man’s girlfriend just hanging in the room even when he was in class talking crazy. I don’t think I could take another night waking up and seeing their naked bodies laid across the bed. I don’t think I could take another day walking to the door and hearing all the moaning and groaning they were both making. Many nights I didn’t even go into the room until well after 11pm because I was just tired of the nonsense. Now I’m in a place I can finally breathe again!

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I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan’s angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,
My grace is enough; it’s all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
2 Corinthians 12:8-9, The Message Bible