One thing when planning life changes, is to be forgiving of yourself. Instead of thinking I failed at that, how embarrassing, I went on & on about it only to fail…No! life changes, life evolves, ideas evolve, learning what works, taking what works, then discarding the rest…

I have had a few major tweaks & kept quite a lot of my original plan. I am still eating healthy meals cooked from scratch, I feel so much better for it. I am more pain free. I feel more energetic, though I’m hoping to feel more energetic once I lose more weight. I feel more motivated. Of course I have my moments, but I do feel empowered to keep going, keep evolving, forgive myself more often…

I have stopped picking through out the day, which is a huge calorie reduction & I no longer pick all evening, into the night when I can’t sleep. So why aren’t the lb’s dropping off me…Hmmm? You would think I would be losing weight, by cutting drastically down on sweet junk food…

So I decided that something more needs to be done. Or undone…I can go all day just drinking water, black coffee, calypso sugar free spring water & have a small lunch, but the food I ate for lunch was more habit then needing to eat…Now I am drinking 3x meal replacement shakes, breakfast, lunch, supper…& having my usual dinner. No sweet treats. I like milk shake, I like sweet foods. The shakes satisfy both my need to drink rather then eat & it satisfies my sweet tooth…

By drinking 3 low carb/high protein shakes. I am also getting all my nutrients. Which I would not get by just drinking water, black coffee & sugar free spring water. They are quite tasty, filling & only 200-calories each. Which means I eat a maximum of 2000 calories if I have takeaway. On average I eat under 1700-calories…

Another tweak to my plan. I am giving up on my garden & creating an indoor garden instead. I love the bohemian style, I love plants. I hate all the weeds, the non stop watering, the burning sun, the noisy neighbours. If I create my dream bohemian style indoor jungle, I will be in my element…

At the moment I am deciding what plants can come indoors & survive. My eucalyptus. Bamboo. Dwarf bamboo. Can I bring my euonymus{s} in? & my hebe{s}? I need to get researching. I want to spread my fish out as well. At the moment they are in one 90L container. I want to divide them into smaller containers & grow aquarium plants. I also want a separate container to keep some fancy fan tail fish…

My sub life is on hold for a while. Until I can get my head around it. I am still reading lots of journal/writing in Fetlife…

I woke up feeling slightly depressed today, its like something is about to happen, which I know I won’t like. I don’t think my wilted sunflowers helped, so I gave them a good soak, its lovely now the sun is here, but soooo! much watering plants ‘Ugh!’

I got the ‘Well you’ve failed on yet another diet’ vibes from my husband & I feel like slapping him around the head with the Paul McKenna ‘I can make you thin’ book, because I’m past explaining myself. He would say ‘I know how much it makes you depressed’. Yes being fat makes me feel ‘Ugh!’…but it is more my lack of energy which makes me feel down…

My INFJ brain is playing up. Probably one of my weaknesses. Where I start to pick up on someone taking the pee, being passive aggressive sarky, but then I’m left thinking ‘is it me?’ am I over reacting. I think he is just trying to be funny, but to me its not really funny, its sarcastic, I don’t particularly warm to sarcastic people, I find them quite rude & antagonistic. Face to face I just laugh, but Inside I’m left thinking ‘Rude!’

This site I’m co building. I noticed there was green on some, a few amber, too many red to feel comfortable, apparently it is to do with the readability, analysis, which is basically traffic lights. I have been trying to tweak all the red & amber posts, to turn them green. I really wanted to keep the site down until all these things were ironed out…

…but…’Grrrr!!!’…I won’t moan. It makes me sound like a bitch, lol…

I am having great fun in Fetlife. I am trying to comment in the different groups I have joined, I am also trying to keep up with responding to messages. Hmmm! The sarcasm, the use of ‘I’ {Rolls my eyes} We’re exchanging messages, now emails to get to know each other, so he wrote in this weird confusing way, which made me wonder if he was drunk…& he kept putting {showing off} after every few weird sentences. I was ‘Eh?’ Please, mate! Stop!

Yeesss! There is a lot of ‘I’ I am not going to write in the whateverperson…One, one? what is that about, I read it like I was slurring my words. Why the need for total perfection, that you start to be a sarcastic old git, patronising me instead of talking to me. As new sub me, new improved SOD the tosser’s…I am taking those people out of my life straight away, I don’t need that kind of hassle in my life, there are far more important things to worry about…

Not that I worry about much these days. I learned not to worry ‘One learned not to worry’ {Tw*t!} The thing is. That is some minor & mundane, not worth thinking about, but I don’t want to waste my time with someone I know will eventually really start to irritate…

Ohh! Yes!…I also blocked someone on my Fetlife account. I dare say the first of many to come. Sorry ‘One dare says’…Ohhh! FECK OFF!!! This man was the typical Domly Dom ‘cliche’ Me Master, you mere female slave. I know I made a mistake loving one of his pictures he had a shared, it was just a punny meme…

Basically the bloke is a douchebag. He wanted to discuss my desires, but it was more of a demand then a opening for conversation. I was very polite, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, then he started frantically waving red flags at me. I definitely don’t need his type in my life ever again. One narcissistic, emotional abuser is quite enough thank you very much…

My new sub approach…Never try to explain to a patronising, passive aggressive A hole, especially when being polite, tactful, diplomatic, friendly & still the douchebag gets all passive aggressive anal…Just saying…

I ate cake ‘Ugh!’ at least the cream was low carb. Its weird. It is one tinsy bit of cake, but I feel like a HUGE! failure. I am working on this over reaction to a mere piece of cake on one day out of a life time of days. I will get my eating of ‘non diet food’ into proportion…

That was yesterday. After eating a reasonable amount of nutritious food all day, right up to the cake. I thought ‘Shall I weigh myself to see what the damage is’…IT IS A POXY BIT OF CAKE!…Jeeze!

The usual ‘I blew it, I might as well eat’ feeling did come over me, but I reminded myself that I am not on a diet, I am eating healthy, changing my ‘keeping me fat’ habits. This is a lifestyle change. One excess amount of carbs, does not have to turn me into a dust bin of PROPORTIONATE! excessive, out of control pick-pick-frigging picking…’Get a grip!’

…& breath

So I’m focusing on the cake. Which was a tiny piece, quite yummy, because I am not continuously stuffing sugar into my body. When other positive things happened. Like receiving 2 messages, 1 on Fetlife, the other on Bs {Aka british spanking} Apparently I am a breath of fresh air & my profile is impressive…Why thank you, kind sir!

I don’t want to rush in, just because 2 people liked my profile. I want to mull it over…After all my new accounts, are start over, not-tainted by my Ex Dom’s, especially my first Ex Dom, because he is quite a spiteful, malicious, vindictive person, he is obsessed with playing mind games. His Ex sub before me, or she was a few before me. She tried to warn me…but…I needed to find out for myself & I needed to get out of the emotionally abusive D/s relationship myself. Of course I done it in a spectacular, dramatic, unique way. Well he did keep push-push-pushing until I went over the edge & took him over with me…{That is a long blog story}

Anyway. When I am new, untainted, unknown, un-gossiped about. Just me…The blokes have not been warned off me, lol…I’m not exaggerating, they are a bunch of control freaks…Mister passive aggressive man, who was told from the off that I was not going to meet him, got all arsey because I would not meet him. Told me that he should have listened to the…Gossips? Back stabbers? Two faced bitches? I was OMFG! I’m right, I’m not paranoid after all. I thought it was me…

I feel SO! much resentment towards these nasty people. Its not like I done anything to deserve it, other then be in a D/s relationship with a narcissist, then be with one of the rare decent Dom’s…{I won’t go into that}

…In with calm, out with stress…

Those are emotionally destructive feelings, only I get hurt by those feelings. So just let them go. Move on…carry on doing what I am doing, because it must be right. Please-please-please don’t let them bitches realise that it is me…

…In with calm, out with stress…Don’t eat cake!

Takes a deep calming breath…

Meditation. I need to meditate more, its great. I need to visualise more, I know that is helpful…

I was doing lots of research on low carb eating. I learned lots of helpful stuff…I also learned that if I go for a 15 minute walk after eating, the blood sugar spike, which needs insulin to deal with the excess sugar, which means storing the sugar as fat…well the excess sugar will be used by my muscles. High protein builds muscle, or helps build more muscle; muscle burns more calories, it also uses glucose ‘Sugar!’…I am so going to make the effort to do this…

Exercise to use the excess sugar, so my body does not need to store it as fat…The thing is…even if you are on a strict diet, if your blood sugar spikes, you are still going to produce insulin & your body is still going to store excess sugar as fat…

Low carb dieting is great for balancing your hormones, it is especially good for balancing your blood sugar…If I buy low carb foods & aim to eat low carb foods ‘NO! cake’…I am going to have more muscle building protein, less processed junk…& many more health benefits…

Apparently eating a low carb diet, can improve sleep. Which I need. I went to bed before midnight, but fell asleep about 1am & woke up at 5am. A mere 4 hours sleep. No wonder I have bags under my eyes & deep shadows…Ugh!

Yesterday was a ‘Good enough!’ diet day. No picking all day, no binging after my red wine. So a good enough diet day. I was just doing some squats whilst my coffee was expressing it self…

From today it is going to be focusing all my mind energy ‘motivation’ on getting my garden finished. Which means more coffee, find the crow bar, clear the first bit of rotten decking I am taking up, the part I fell through, then more coffee…

A friend of mine, I know in the scene, we met over ten years ago & have sort of been on line friends for a while. He sent me a friend request. Ohhh! Sugar. Was that really him? I didn’t even question him, I just accepted…{Goes off to check…}

Seems legit…Anyway…As I was about to say. My friend from the scene. He is the Britishspanking/Ouch .com most hated. Even more hated then me, which is saying something, lol…No not really, I’m not that bad, I am only hated by a few, supposedly laughed at by the clique bitches. Not that I have done anything to deserve it. You don’t have to do anything to deserve it. If you are a quiet, introvert, who does not kiss up, you end up being taken the pee out of, by the typical bitches…

I digress…My friend ‘The most hated!’…He points out their flaws. He basically say’s what me & my friend think & feel, but we keep it to our selves. I can’t be arsed to use my energy on a bunch of people, being typical people, typical as in ‘group behaviour’…’Clique behaviour’…Here lies my problem, see ‘laughable’ I say things like that, instead of kissing up…

Why am I even bothering to blog this negative BS…Ummm! Probably because my friend decided to come back & add me to yet another Facebook group ‘groans’…I am not a group person, I don’t do groups, I don’t do ‘group politics’ I don’t do group bickering, group bitching, group bullying, group cliques…I do like independent, individual, logical thinkers, who are ‘Themselves’…who can think for themselves…

I used to chat to my friend quite a lot…We even tried to create a new site for people who need a new alternative to the clique mentality. Especially as at the time there was a particully nasty, bullying bitch in the forum, attacking people who did not think like her. She has real mental health issues, which is sad, but she was allowed too much power in the forum. In other words she was not being moderated & was often attacking people & causing drama…I stayed in the back ground as a lurker. Its safer to lurk, if you don’t need the incessant drama…

Mind you I did find their bickering bitch-fest quite entertaining. Though it was none of our business. I enjoyed seeing her being put in her place, but then she would get nastier & place the victim card & her clique arse lickers would appear to defend her. Who needs EastEnders when you have got the britishspanking forum…

I digressed again…My friend. He started to make me ‘Grrrr!!!’ when he {Male age play sub} decided that he was going to Dom me. I’m thinking ‘I don’t do being DOM’D!’…I especially don’t do being DOM’D! by a sub who is less then perfect. Here I am a happily married woman for 25 years. Four kids, a grand child & he wants to DOM! me…Feck off, matey. I don’t need that patronising, condescending, often assuming, because he is arrogant enough to believe that ‘Quiet introvert’ me is a empty headed, over sensitive, emotional being…Ugh! ‘Groans!’…

Firstly Quiet introvert peeps are actually quite strong minded. It is all going on in our heads. We think a lot & I mean a LOT!

I don’t need to be accepted. I don’t need attention. I do need to be treated with respect. So he assumes I have got something under my skin, because I talk about it. I assume he is a condescending jerk, because he starts talking about it, then concludes that I am talking about it, therefore I must have it under my skin & I’m ‘Groans!’ FOR FECK SAKE! MAN!…LISTEN!

Another thing us introverts do. We listen. We listen to hear, not as the saying goes ‘listen to reply’ therefore not actually listening to understand. Hence my slowness in a conversation when trying to chat to an extrovert. I’m listening, thinking, responding. We often get talked over. It can be a tad boring…

So my friend ‘pee’d me off’ in the end, because he just would not listen…”I am not into being Dom’d” He carried on trying to Dom me. “I am a sub” He carried on making comments about me doing him & I’m thinking ‘I am not going to waste my energy, my time, my brain cells, because I would feel like crap afterwards, especially if it was in my home, after the past crap I have put up with…that is another blog post…

I can’t stand people who jump to conclusions, don’t listen, then dump their negative assumptions on me. I feel VERY! defensive when someone does that to me. I had some bad experiences in the scene, with a narcissistic A hole. My friend knew this narcissist before I did, he had dealing’s with him. I did not know the half of it. Of course I only had my so called Dom’s side {The narcissist} My friend was also in a bad D/s relationship, he feels it screwed him up…{That is another blog post & more his business then mine}

I am going to shut up now, I need coffee, then it is cupboard excavation time {Yaaakes!} I may be a long time & need many cups of coffee…{Mind you, I only have 4-5 small cups of coffee each day, I am not that much of a coffee addict, lol}

I am going to say ‘A successful day, on my weight loss journey’…Though my diet mentality, from years of dieting, leaves me feeling like it was a lazy day. I never reached my 5k step target & I ate after 23pm & just before 13pm, but…

I am still fasting for at least 12 hours…

I am still eating a healthy diet…

I am not picking on sweet junk all day…

I have treat food, but not all day snacking…

I am not drinking sugary fizzy drinks, or other sugary drinks…

I am resting due to so called flare up’s, but keep getting up, moving around & doing the odd squat, side leg raise, etc…

I am not eating takeaways…

I am more pain free, due to eating a more healthy diet…

So my mind saying ‘Here we go again’ another big fat failure…Noooo! So I’m not so rigid, not soooo! strict. This is a life style change, to maintain my ideal weight/size in advance. There is no failure. There is just that initial ‘ENPHUSIASM!’ sizzling out. The actual life style change, for life is settling in…

I feel I need the odd ‘enthusiastic’ strict, rigid ‘Diet!’ mode, to keep myself from going backwards & forwards on my weight loss journey. There is no BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Strict! – Rigid! – Determined! – Focused! – Motivated! – Inspired! all the way to X target weight. It is not a straight, level ground sprint to the finish line…

Noooo! My ‘get healthy’ weight loss journey has many meandering paths, some clear & easy going, others a up hill rocky climb, where a machete is needed to hack my way through the under growth, or should I say over growth. Then it leads to the edge of a steep cliff & I’m hanging on for dear life…

I know, what the fanny fart am I on about…

There is no…Start – FAIL! -Stop – Months not being able to start, feeling like a failure – Finally muster up all the ‘New improved’ THIS! IS THE ONE! dieting enthusiasm – Go Go Go Keep Going. fizzle fizzle… ugh! FAIL!

As I said. There is none of that…There is no Start – Stop – Start – Stop…I started 24 years ago, the dieting just set me up to be a fat storing super machine. Now I am giving up dieting. I am eating a more healthy balanced diet. I am eating sweet food in moderation. I am doing as much exercise as I can…

This time next year. I will be slimmer, healthier, have a whole new out look on life, through dropping the habits which kept me fat & caused me to get fatter. If I’m not on a strict, rigid diet regime, I don’t have to stuff my face with all the supposed fattening, forbidden foods…

This time next year, I will be at least 26 lbs slimmer…The healthier I feel, the more pain free I will be, so I will automatically move more. I could be 52 lbs slimmer. Time flies by. Well our perspective of time zooms!!! by…When I look back I will see nothing less then constant, persistent results, be it tiny, or HUGE! Probably somewhere between tiny & big…

Today we are going out to buy some bark for the garden. I am going to be clearing the rubbish I saved to upcycle. Taking up the rotten decking. Attacking the Knott weed. All my plants are going in pots, then the dogs can use the whole garden…

Gawd! I wish that screaming kid, would STOP! the screeching…Ugh! Teach your child that no one wants to hear him/her SCREAM! I taught my kids not to be aggravating to those around them, yet I have to deal with the off spring of people who just allow their child to SCREAM! CONSTANTLY!

My little granddaughter is just learning to SCREAM! We put our hand over our mouth …She stops screaming & looks wide eyed at us…We then show her nicer, quieter noises. She’s only 9 months old, so she does not understand ‘Stop screaming, it is too loud’…

I got a video of her today, sitting in the middle of her mummy & daddy, all three of them dancing, a big grin on her face…So adorable. My daughter was like ‘Look at my fat cheeks, look at my face’…I said ‘would you say that about Phoebe, she looks like you’…She {My daughter} cuddled her & said ‘No she’s beautiful’…As I pointed out ‘I think she is beautiful’…apparently I am biased, because I’m her Mum…

I feel bad that I may of put some of this low self esteem, when it comes to looks, on my daughters. Not that I purposely say these things, but obviously they see me put myself down. I like that my daughters are not conceited, but I wish they could see themselves as I see them ‘Gorgeous in everyway’…

It does make me think more about body image & appreciating what I have got…Mind you, I put my phone/camera on selffie mode, my granddaughter loves seeing herself, it makes her laugh. I accidently turned it on myself. My instant reaction was ‘Ugh! That was scary, then I laughed at my finding myself scary to look at…How bad is that & in front of my daughters & granddaughter. I need to change my reaction to seeing myself….

Yesterday was a pretty mediocre day {Sighs} I ate after 23pm {GASP!} I never reached my 5k steps, but I done gardening; weeding & planting up seedlings. So yeah I done the equivalent in exercise, if not more, it takes some effort to weed whilst bending & squatting. I had a splitting head ache & tooth ache, so I felt pretty ‘Ugh!’…

Anyway…Today is a whole new day, a fresh new day to eat more healthy & reach my 5k step target, as well as finish planting up seedlings. Soooo! many seedlings; lots of lovely free plants, but its June 2nd & my plants are still tiny & far from blooming, then again with this sun & the rain we have coming, everything should take off in double quick time…

Still nothing from Fetlife. Shows you how much things have changed. It used to be so much easier to find a Dom, when I started out in the scene 12 years ago. I was inundated by messages, from the moment I appeared as a newbie. I think all the women moaning & complaining about the harassment from the cold callers has worked. Then it was receive 60+ messages, sift through all 60+…maaaaybe carry on with one or two, but then come out with nothing, because blokes tend to like instant ‘Meet?…No?’ Gone!

Actually getting to know a woman appears to be beyond them, its like…If they walked up to a woman in a pub & said ‘I want to spank you’ & she reacted ‘Feck off perv’ so he goes around the whole pub, until some desperate woman agrees to risk her safety on some Jerk, she knows nothing about…Well. It seems they finally got it…

Which means trying to find a new Dom on line, is POINTLESS!!! I need to go to a party, preferably with my husband, otherwise a woman on her own ‘Domless’ can pretty much be treated like ‘Just an arse’ & I don’t mean ‘arsehole’ as in not a very nice person…

I’m waffling! As in waffling on. Not my name is waffling, lol…

I found a new site, which has got ad’s from Dom guy’s…but…So impersonal & it is the same old same old attitude that we want to meet a complete stranger for a casual ‘attitude adjusting, punishment’ for…say…not losing X lb’s…Or we got moody when we was menstruating. Or we got pee’d off at some wanna be Master, or we don’t like creepy blokes, or we feel utter despair that the perv’s have taken over the scene & we can’t actually meet a real Dom…

{Sighs}

I have literally been looking at how to spank myself & I might as well go into fantasy ‘write stories’ for myself land…If I went to a party would it feel the same way? When talking to my friend, who I used to go to parties with, I was remembering bad experiences. I said ‘I am talking myself out of it’…

I think I do need to remember…but I do need to find a way to get my fix. My husband is not into it. It does nothing for him. I can feel it does nothing for him, so it reduces it to just…well…nothingness, boringness…It is a lot about feeling…I don’t think blokes get this. They’re all ‘Women are bitchy, I can teach her a lesson, take her down a peg or two’…To them it is all about punishing, mentoring, discipline, demeaning, belittling, putting the over emotional bitch in her place…

Right. I have talked myself back out of it…I am going to start writing stories & create what I am looking for. When I was with my ‘then’ Dom. I had a fantasy ‘melodrama’ going on in my head, it helped me sleep. I would message him & tell him ‘you gave me a virtual spanking last night’…he liked that…Apparently I was ‘The one’…but he only realised that after I finished with him, because I got pee’d off with the grief his fwends gave me…Such is life…No wonder so many border line abusers exist in the scene, because the women are providing the proof that they are right…Jeeze!

I remember meeting this man at a party. We got on, we had a good conversation, he never pushed himself on me, or just talked to me, to get me, or expected to play with me, because HE! used his ‘precious hunting bottom’s’ time to make small talk…I remember when I sat near him he felt ‘Freeeezing!’ cold. As in I was cold & I’m not a cold person, I’m usually having a hot flush…Anyway it turns out he is a widow. I said to my friend ‘I think his wife was there with him’…He was soooo! Brrrrr!!!

Anyway…years later he contacts me, we get on, we exchange messages, he suggests we arrange to meet in 7 months time, so basically we get to know each other {Most **nkers don’t give a woman 7 minutes, unless it is to talk dirty}…Then it went down hill from that moment on & he turned into a control freak bloke, who wanted to talk down to me, patronise me, be a condescending d**kwad…It was naughty girl this, young lady that, you have earned a spanking, you’re trying to earn a spanking…’Does your husband know you are talking to men……..’ He lost me from the moment he started the cliché ‘Master!’ crap!

My marriage is none of his business, so I ignored him, I was not about to discuss my marriage with him. I was trying {Very trying} to get across to him, that I am not looking for someone to train me, control me…Talk about ignore everything I said & use it to patronise me…In the end I gave up trying to get through to him, that I am not looking for a on line narcissist to virtually abuse me…Real life still applies…Talk to me as an equal, as a friend, treat me with respect. Don’t patronise me, matey…

This is what I am up against…

Strict discipline in Cambridge or will travel

I offer strick punishment for naughty boys or girls. You will find the application of my school cane applied across your bottom will have a wonderful effect on poor behaviour. Although I enjoy applying the cane hard across deserving bottoms I can tailor sessions for those hot able to take it. I expect a fee for my services.Hope to meet you soon.Mr Morgan

Wow! How can I resist…& pay for the abuse…How to destroy your self confidence in a few hours. Meet a ‘strick’ Mr Morgan type…I despair! {Shudders!}

I’m aware that I am fussy…but…I have been through the narcissist emotional abuse, when I first joined the scene. My first ever Dom. He set out to screw me up. It was a game to him…’Karma!’ got him…

I seem to have evolved from blogging about my ‘Healthy eating’ weight loss journey, to moaning & groaning about the scene I was in…There is only so much you can say about healthy eating & weight loss. Personally I feel my recent GAIN! lots of weight, is since going through crap in the scene & finishing with my ‘then’ Dom of 7+ years. The thing is I deleted my private blog, which was where my negative thoughts went to be aired, dealt with, then leave it there. I think I need another ‘negative crappy thoughts’ blog…

Do you know, I still feel crap from the numbers on my scales this morning. Those feelings were a real eye opener to me…

So I read a few blogs, written by women on a body image journey. I read a feminist blog. The taboo feminist…

My whole life as sub me, left me feeling bad about myself. I know what I want. I know my own mind. I resent the women who gave me grief, because I was not like them. I miss the fun, pleasurable part of my sub life. I resent the people who took me for granted. I shouldn’t even feel I was taken for granted…

The whole thing about body image & feminism is turned upside down in my sub life. I am not a door mat. I am not just a bottom. I am not a woman there to be used & abused. I am not looking for a mentor, a ‘Dominant!’…someone to own me, train me, control me, belittle me, humiliate me…I am probably fighting a losing battle, a laughing stock, but you know what. I see it as ‘Mutual adult fun’…

Nuff said for now…It is red wine Wednesday…& I still feel raw from the weight gain thing. I need to work on my own self image & sod the dirty old, creepy, perv’s, who left me feeling too old, too past it, too unattractive…{Sigh’s}

It reads like I am really messed up by it. It is not that black & white. It is various shades of grey. Fifty maybe…’The bigger picture’…I see the bigger picture, hence seeing the flaws as well as the positives…

I will stop waffling on…Not that I see myself as a waffler. I mean it tongue in cheek ‘Light hearted’…Okay! I’m definitely shutting up now…

Emotional ‘change the way I feel’ eating, is a sneaky, snidey ba**ard…

I need to learn stronger coping strategies to deal with the obnoxious ’emotional’ hunger…

I resent all the **ckers in the scene I once had so much fun being in…’Grrrr!’…

So called bad days; not so good days, can feel soooo! long & soooo! destructive, when in reality they last a fraction of time & are in fact a learning curve…

I need to focus on my goals & keep a perspective on the time frame. It feels like I done that weeks ago, then moved on, but in reality I was just not as intensely focused. Time does not fly, our focus flies. Reality flies…Perspective! As in I feel like 3 weeks is a mere 3 hours…A few hours of feeling emotional & giving in to so called ‘comfort eating’ feels like weeks. It was a fraction of the time I felt this way. It does not have to rip open my packet of focused ‘In control’ sweets, neatly packed away, looking sweet & me being ever so good not eating them. Then…GIVE ME THE SWEETS!!! RIIIIPPPPP!!!! STUFF!!!…tears! It does not have to feel that way…It is not that dramatic, not that important, it is just a bag of sweets, FFS! I mean this metaphorically…

I can feel my husband relax, as I fail…Is that crazy? Probably, but I can. Maybe its me seeing it that way, because I am portioning the blame, or something. Maybe is doesn’t have to be quite so intense…So what. I ate some sweet in the ‘Fasting! hour’…{Gasp!}…

To add salt to my wounds…FECKING! annoying, aggravating, neighbour from hell, cackle woman is back. Can my day get any worse…The woman needs a gag. There is just no need for the noise that comes out of that woman’s mouth, when she laughs…She CACKLES!!!…UGH!!! Tone it down, luv!

That is it for now. I’m sure I will think of more things that I learned over the last 3 weeks…

Persistence! Patience! Perseverance!

One of the main reason’s I am on this healthy eating, weight loss journey. To see her grow up & have her own children. To be a active part of her life. To be here for my husband & my kids. I want to see all my grandchildren & all my great grandchildren. I want to finish my dream garden & dream home. Three weeks is a drop in the ocean. One minor mishap because I felt emotional is insignificant. Is evaporation. Is joining the rain clouds…

Day fifteen was a mediocre diet day. I had pastry & cake with cream ‘Gasps!’…I still ate less, but I was more lax…but…one mediocre day does not have to turn into a disastrous week. So today is a strict day. A make up for the lax day. A eat salad & fish day…NO! CAKE!

Knowing my body I probably regained all the weight loss…Ummmm! lol…but…I don’t care. I am not going to beat myself up emotionally & start giving into the feelings that I ‘FAILED!’…Because I have not failed. Its one day ‘Get over it’ Don’t full apart ‘Move on!’…

I am just listening to self hypnosis as I blog. I find the suggestions which are going into my mind are quite helpful. Apparently I am going to feel good & confident…just listen to his voice & allow myself to relax…

Disaster happened when I decided to have salmon in pastry, instead of salmon cooked with herb’s & spices. Ohh! I also gave in to drinking a HIGH! sugar ginger beer. I thought I would really enjoy it. Nope! it tasted ‘Mediocre!’…That is my word for today…

It is the diet mentality…’Good!’ & ‘Bad!’…So I am trying to change the way I think & feel about eating, because this weight loss journey is going to succeed & I am going to maintain my weight loss. There is no lose weight – gain weight + some…

It does niggle at my mind, like a aggravating gnat flying around me…’Grrrr!’ Darn gnat bites, they do seem to find my AB- blood, tasty…I still fasted from 23pm, I will be eating again at 13pm. Lunch is going to be extra healthy, so is dinner & no sugar…

I am going to go for a longer walk today. I am going to borrow my little grand daughter & take her for a walk in her push chair. She is one of the reasons I am improving myself. As in my health. I am going to be a active part of her life…

Hmmm! That diet mentality! I am tempted to start counting calories, or carb’s, or fat, but…If I eat calories, fair enough, I would count 2000-calories, I know eating less calories would be effecting my leptin levels & in the long term my fat burning efficiency…

If I count carbs. I would lose lots of weight ‘Water’…but regain said water more or less straight away…Low carb is great for dieting, because no hunger pangs, no food cravings, I forget to eat & have to think about eating. It does make me feel better. My eye sight improves, my skin improves, my hair improves, my nails improve…

If I count fat. I have to go quite low to make a difference. Fat free foods, quorn, etc, is not good for you. Modified soy products, fat free dairy & margarine are in the ‘Foods to avoid, if you want to lose weight’ list…Low fat is great for dropping inches…

Maybe I should go back to following the slimming world ‘extra easy’ plan…I should buy the magazine & read it cover to cover, read the success stories, watch the slimming world video’s on you tube. Motivate myself. Inspire myself. Focus on my goals. I am determined to lose all my excess fat & become slim, healthy me…

Today is a fresh day. It is not a roll on from the mediocre ‘Leptin boosting’ ‘metabolism boosting’ ‘cheat day’…or whatever us dieters like to call it…Ummm! lol…I was not dropping my calories, fat or carbs to a semi starvation state, so no need for the boost in anything…

What have I learned…

One bad day, does not have to make a bad week…

Ginger beer is not as scrummy as I used to think it was, now I am eating a lot less sugar…

I don’t need to keep starting over, I just took a detour on my weight loss journey…

Today is a fresh new day…

There is no ‘Bad!’ day. No ‘failure’. No I am useless. No I knew I would fail. No self loathing. It is a minor, minute, tinsy detour, nothing to get all dramatic about, get over it, move on, learn from the one minor slip, where I ate ‘Gasp!’ pastry & ‘OMFG!’ CAKE!…Don’t blow it all out of proportion. Carry on healthy eating & learning how to maintain my inevitable weight loss for life…

On my life style ‘Eating for life’…I will eat the occasional cake & have pie for dinner. Jeeze! Woman! its not that bad…Drama queen! Diet diva!