(Closed) My thoughts on strip clubs and bachelor parties

I’m okay with my Fiance going to a strip club for his bachelor party. All that will happen is his friends will buy him lap dances, the strippers will dance around on him, but they won’t have any real interest – they just want his buddie’s cash. It’s not like he would actually be intimate with them. It’s just for show.

Guys will be guys – it’s in their nature to look. As long as they don’t touch, I don’t see a problem. I’m definitely straight, but sometimes I’ll even point out women to him like “can you believe how much her a** is hanging out?” or “Wow, that girl is gorgeous.” Because people like to “people watch” – we are curious beings.

I think of it this way: if I gave him trouble for looking at other women, he would still do it because he’s a guy. Fact: men look at attractive woman regardless of their relationship status. They may do it less in front of their SO’s if they know their SO’s don’t like it, but they’ll still do it. They can’t help it.

When they look but know they aren’t supposed to, I imagine this can make them feel like they are lying or hiding something from their SO’s – which would make them feel both immoral and constricted. Why would I want my Fiance to feel that way? I want him to feel that he can always be open with me and trust me. My attitude toward him looking at other women makes him feel trusted. I know in my heart that he doesn’t want to be with any other woman but me. And that trust is more valuable than anything I can imagine.

It reminds me of when religion dictates that boys/men shouldn’t masterbate. They’re going to masterbate anyway – only they’ll feel guilty for it. It doesn’t make any sense to me. Why put them through that emotional turmoil for being who they are?

I’m aware that looking at other women (because they can’t help it sometimes) and going to strip clubs for bachelor parties (because they want to be one of the guys) are two different things – but they both fall under the same category: one of trust and security.

And you know how this approach has worked for me? All his friends tell him how lucky he is to have such a realistic, understanding fiancee who trusts him so much. He recently told me that during a bachelor party of a friend, he and his buddies had an in-depth conversation on how they wished their SO’s would approach it the same way – how they think it would make them feel more at ease to not be given dirty looks from their SO’s every time they look at other women for half a second (sometimes they don’t even look on purpose, that’s just where they happen to glance at that moment) – how they would feel so much less emasculated if they didn’t have to tell their engaged friend that they can’t attend his bachelor party if they go to a strip club because their SO’s “wont let” them, even if they are not planning to get lap dances and really only want to go to be with their friends and feel like one of the guys. They talked about how much they loved their SO’s and would never want to do anything to hurt them, but that they sometimes feel that their SO’s don’t fully trust them enough to know that they would never cheat.

I want to make it clear what I am not talking about: I am not talking about him hitting on other women, going to strip clubs for reasons other than bachelor parties, or him doing anything other than looking. Please do not construe my words for anything more than they are.

Maybe it’s because I grew up around a lot of guys and used to be quite the tomboy, but men want to be understood by women just as much as women want to be understood by men. If you really think for a second that there are any (straight) men out there who never even glance at other women, then you are delusional. If you are not comfotable with your SO going to strip clubs I totally respect that, but reconsidering your opinion on the matter wouldn’t hurt. Being able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes is, in my opinion, a highly desirable trait. One that can improve relationships and prevent unnecessary conflict. The right men want what the right women want: trust, fidelity, and openess – but also a degree of personal freedom. If you and your SO’s opinions on this matter differ, think about how you would feel if your SO got upset with you if he saw you glancing at other guys or forbid you from going to bachelorette parties involving strip clubs. Would you feel that he doesn’t trust you? That he would be exerting too much control over what you do?

Everyone has different boundaries, which – again – I totally respect, but reconsidering those boundaries for the sake of the person you love and having an open mind is certainly admirable.

I’m with ya and I feel the exact same way. If he wants to go to a strip club for a bachelor party then go for it! I don’t think I’d be cool with him going every Tuesday after work like some men do but if it’s a special occasion, not a problem. As for looking at other women, I’m cool with that too. He can look all he wants as long as he doesn’t touch. Like you OP, I point out girls that would intrigue him. Neither of us are blind so if we see a gorgeous women, I have no issue with him acknowledging it. The same goes for someone wearing shorts so short that you can see her vagina (though then we pretty much just mock her together).

With that said, I understand that not everyone is as accepting of this stuff as I am. As long as the couple is on the same page and one party doesn’t feel held back by the other, whatev.

I can appreciate what you are saying in your post, bc I think the same for the most part in terms of my current relationship!! However, I think there are ‘grey’ areas to this debate, certainly. Which is why I am under the motto ‘to each their own’ when it comes to things like this. For those couples that are a-ok with their SO doing these things, GREAT! For those who ‘forbid’ it, totally FINE! I think for a gal, whom let’s say was cheated on by her ex, while he was a strip club, with a stripper, to tell her Fiance that she is not comfy with him going for this reason, and thus making it a deal breaker with her…well, I cannot begrude her that emotion!!

Relationships are all different, insecurities different, etc. At the end of the day, as long as the two people are in agreement of what they will tolerate vs what they will not (even if I do not personally understand it, or whatever), then THAT is the important thing. From there, it may be changing your boundaries for the sake of your relationship, but not for the sake of the boundary itself (ie, bc friends think you are wrong, or society tells us differently, or whatever)!!

Oh, also I think it is AWESOME that your SO and his friends have such in depth conversations like the one you mentioned above. My SO and his friends NEVER do that, lol.

Interesting post… but I have to say that your first paragraph, well might be a tad naive (not your fault… as there are many many women who don’t understand the whole Strip Club / Sex Trade Business).

You said…

I’m okay with my Fiance going to a strip club for his bachelor party. All that will happen is his friends will buy him lap dances, the strippers will dance around on him, but they won’t have any real interest – they just want his buddie’s cash. It’s not like he would actually be intimate with them. It’s just for show.

Most Strip Clubs have a lot more going on than those “cleaned up” images that you might have seen on Tv or in the Movies with girls dancing topless etc.

A lot more…

Given the right opportunity… for either the Man or the Stripper (or Escort) there could be something going on…

It isn’t all just FOR SHOW… the REAL INTEREST here is Money. Lots of Money !!

You can find a wide variety of past topics here on WBee in that regard… even one written by a past Stripper… all very informative.

When I was much younger, and far more naive, I was under the impression that Strip Clubs were basically nude girls up dancing on stage.

Unfortunately, I think that a lot of women assume this…

And it certainly varies from place to place on what happens… but here is the bigger picture if you will (told to me when I was over 40 and by a close guy friend, who couldn’t believe I was so out of the loop about this stuff)

In places where strippers can take it ALL off they tend to be very explicit… girls show EVERYTHING they have… and I mean everything. They literally spread their legs in front of any particular guy they are dancing for. Can be done while squatting or lying in front of them. The men get a full view.

So much so, that my guy friend told me one of the most interesting women he’d ever seen in his younger days had a snake tattoo, that went from her belly button between her legs (genitals tattooed) and up her tush. Men thought it quite erotic, and seemed to want to spend a great deal of time paying her to have another more detailed look see. Genital piercings are also fairly common.

Men will forever be enthralled by seeing women naked… we come in all shapes and sizes as do our “bits” guys find this totally fascinating. No two of us are alike (as someone said earlier this week… “Wow I had no idea that our ruffled bits were so different” )

In some places, lap dances are allowed. This is where a stripper fully nude will rub herself all over the guys lap (hence the name). She is usually totally naked, and inevitably the guy gets arroused. It is also not uncommon for the dancer to permit the guy to nuzzle, kiss or lick her breasts while doing this.

Lap Dances are very popular with guys… and they pay a lot of money to have them.

In some places the Laws are even more lenient. Men can touch if the girls invite them to (and there is a charge to do so). Touching can include digital penetration / masturbation of the dancer. This is usually a feature that goes on in what in some places are called the “Champagne Rooms”… likewise in some clubs, it can be mutal masturbation (she to him)… and again there are charges for such activities.

Also in some places (like Quebec) there are full blown sex clubs where ANYTHING goes. They skirt the laws on Prostitution because it is considered a “private club” so only those that have paid a membership fee can go there (lots of money). In turn there are shows that have live sex (guy on girl – girl on girl) and audience participation can “come up”. Such clubs also sometimes have a room dedicated to “hooking up” by couples (old or new ones) or where partner swapping / orgies take place.

In places where the above sex clubs don’t exist, it isn’t uncommon for strip clubs to also be a front for escort services… which is basically consentual sex between two adults (how the law views it) versus prostitution, but it is essentially the same thing, because a large sum of money is normally exchanged.

And lastly, in some locales of course Prostitution is legalized (Nevada). So one will find that Brothels are another part of this sex trade.

Was I surprised… you bet I was.

So ask yourself the next time a guy says he’s going out with “the boys” to a Strip Club… truly WHAT KIND OF PLACE is he really headed off to.

IMO, a truly decent guy who respects his women won’t be going to these types of places…

And for the record, I may be over 50, but I am no prude… IMO porn in movies, videos, tv etc is great… as it truly is a fantasy, in that there is no real life human interaction / temptation.

BUT Strippers, Escorts, Hookers, and LARGE sums of Money and Alcohol is just asking for trouble in a relationship… WHY choose to court temptation when you don’t have to ??

As my SO says, WHY would I want to go somewhere like that when I have it much much better at home ? WHY would anyone want to touch or be touched by a girl, who has touched / been touched by 100s before me (ick).

I know quite a bit about Strip Clubs thanks to my husband telling me after the many bachelor parties he has been to and stories from other bachelor parties that he did not go to. That guy has a ton of friends! He only goes to them during bachelor parties and its usually an after-thought after going to a ball game or something. Strippers are hardly the “main attraction” to an amazing and fun bachelor party.

Anyway, there are clean and dirty ones. I know this…. I know where the dirty ones are and what has gone down at those places. I have heard stories about “private strippers” that come to where you are. I won’t get into it though.

If he is going to cheat….he is going to cheat whether it be a strip club or not. There is nothing really stopping him besides his love and respect for me. I let him go out with the guys and he gets home at a decent hour, sometimes drunk, sometimes not.

Naked girls do not bother me, I think the human body is beautiful and find myself staring as well. I don’t think it is just a “guy thing”. When I see a guy walking around with no shirt on and is totally ripped. I find myself drooling alittle….

Plus, I know I am more attractive then any stripper and that my lap dances are amazing…but thats besides the point….

I don’t analyze it, I know he won’t do anything inappropiate, plus I think it is stupid to waste your money on such things….but whatever…. Have fun.

I wouldn’t jump to say it is a lack of security for other couples. Some just don’t believe in it. Which is fine with me.

@Cady:If he is going to cheat, he is going to cheat whether it be a strip club or not. Exactly! Anyone seen that episode of ‘the office’ where Michael says to Jan “you cheated on me?! When I specifically asked you not to??” LOL!

Yes, there are sleazy strip clubs where all things raunchy is given the go-ahead, but if your Fiance is a decent, good man whom you can trust, he is not going to cheat on you at a bachelor party with a stripper. A disgusting douchebag might.

I would also like to add that if women can look at other men while in serious relationships, there’s no reason why your man can’t look at other women, especially when it’s such a natural thing for BOTH sides to do.

Ugh, I’m really trying to be ok with this, but I just can’t stomach my SO being at a stripclub, even if it is his bachelor party. I mean I doubt he would hate it, but it’s really his friends that are the typical chunk guys that are all “Yeaaahhhhh naked chicks, bro!!” and they would totally take him there for a bachelor party. Still, I was shocked how grossed out he was when his brother and his uncle took him to Hooters. It makes me feel a little better that he feels that way, but he is a guy, and it would be his last chance to do something like that.

The girls in strip clubs are there to make money. They don’t care about your husband/boyfriend/fiance. You might see a loving and sweet man but they see dollar signs. It is their job. It takes two to tango at a strip club and I’ve never heard of a man being forced into the champagne room. I’m comfortable with my Fiance going to strip clubs (yes, even after we are long married, even though it’s not on his list of places to visit often) and I’m comfortable going to strip clubs myself. I know that he’s there to enjoy the show and get a lap dance. Strip clubs are a fantasy and they are entertainment, they are not reality. You’ll likely see more sexy nudity in an art-house film. Yes, shady things happen in some strip clubs, but I trust that my Fiance isn’t going to get a BJ in the back room. If someone is worried about something like that, their issue shouldn’t be with strippers or strip clubs – it should be with their partner.

the fact that women don’t value themselves enough to demand respect from their husband, fiance, or boyfriend sickens me. Are there going to be attractive women that will catch their eyes anywhere you go? absolutely. theres no way to stop it. However, when men (especially those in a commited relationship) put themselves in the situation to have another half naked woman in their face, there is something seriously wrong with that. What happen to women respecting themselves enough to ask their significant other WHY its necessary to go to strip clubs? It has always boggled my mind why the week before people get married to the person you love more than anything, go out and totally disrespect their fiance by getting turned on by 12 other women. gross

I’m okay with my Fiance going to a stripclub for a party, not all the time….but I also do believe that most women do feel little weird about their Fiance going to a strip club, I mean c’mon, were woman. We’re always obsessing over our looks, body, etc, its all over TV advertisements, what products to buy to make us look prettier, thinner, younger. And you mean to tell me it doesn’t bother you one bit that your Fiance is going to be inches away from big boobs, gorgeous body and thongs? At least 1% disturb you a bit? Men are visual and love to see boobs and thongs.

I’m not insecure, I love my body, curvy, big boobs, hey, i can even be one of those stripper girls….BUT I am going to be honest…I do feel at least 1% weird about my Fiance gong to a strip club. I won’t forbid him, I won’t tell him not to go. I tell him to have fun. But men are men. They drool over boobs. And a man one who says he doesn’t like big boobs is a plain liar. So have to bite my tongue and let my Fiance have a good time.

Maybe I feel this way, because I’ve been to many strip clubs in the past with my buddies and many of the things they did…. were not just lap dances. Yeah, guys don’t touch the woman, but woman do touch the guy. There’s lots of butt rubbing on his groin and have seen many times boob shots, where they girl puts whip cream on her boobs and the guys pay $10 to lick it off and have seen boob slapping. He can’t touch, but she could touch him, and too be that’s still touching.

@asc23I agree more with your view. I feel that it is more respectful to your wife as well as women in general to not put yourself in that situation. The act of lap dances, and the other actions/thoughts that happen at a strip club are sexual, and I think that should be something private and sacred to a relationship. Why should a man go to other women to be turned on and teased, when he is commited to someone and has someone else to do that for them. To each their own, but I wonder for the women that are comfortable with their men going to stip clubs, would their men be as comfortable if the roles were reversed? If so that seems like a fair stance if that’s how you both feel. But it’s awfully one-sided and quite the double standard if he would not be okay with a naked man doing the same to you or touching you. I feel like alot of men would be outraged at the thought, I know my fiance would be at least.

@LittleRedOwl: its so good to know there are others that feel the same way as me! I absolutely agree that strip clubs entice sexual behaviors.. thats the whole point of them. If cheating is such a negative thing (which i aboslutely believe!), then why are strib clubs okay with wives, girlfriends, fiances? Its ALL sexual behavior!

@asc23: I agree to an extent. I have no problem with some nudity or finding other women sexy (DH and I go to burlesque shows together) but I do have a problem with sex work and do not support strip clubs, pornography, etc. (Not a problem as in THESE THINGS SHOULD BE ILLEGAL BLARGH! But as in I think that misogyny is a huge problem in our culture and the sexualization of women for profit only feeds into that.)