Category: At The Checkout

The customer has seemed normal and maybe even intelligent throughout the shopping purchase. But then they get to the checkout and as soon as human interaction is required it all falls apart. The checkout operators really are our first line of defense against the stupid customer!

(There is a young couple in my check-out line, followed by a handful of teenagers. The man is quite a bit taller than the woman, and he’s fairly muscular and intimidating. She’s very small, and unassuming. The teenagers are making a number of snide, extremely explicit comments to her.)

Teen #1: “D***, baby! You ought to learn how to service more than one man! A pretty little thing like you needs to be trained!”

(The other two teens high-five each other and laugh.)

Teen #2: “Yeah, man! With a fine b**** like you, a real man could find some use for that mouth!”

(She grabs her companion’s arm, and mutters something quiet to him. She then smiles at me as it’s their turn. They put their things on the counter.)

Woman: “If you EVER speak to me like that again, you never WILL become the men you’re arrogant enough to think you’ve already become. If you want to be treated like adults, and respected like adults, you act like adults and show other people respect. I feel sorry for your poor mothers. You are pathetic excuses for human beings. Go bother somebody else; come back when you’re ready to behave yourselves!”

(The man starts talking to me.)

Man: “The funny thing is, people think that because I’m physically bigger than she is, they should be afraid of me. Then they see her mad. She’s tiny, but she’s the scary one.”

(I am at the midnight release for the video game “Final Fantasy XIII” with my friends. I don’t have a console that can play the game, but the store lets people purchase the release event promotional posters beforehand. There is only one poster in the store, and I had bought it a few days earlier. I’m also friends with most of the staff who are working there, including the manager.)

Customer: “Can I also buy that promotional poster?”

Cashier: “I’m sorry, sir, but it has already been purchased.”

Customer: “There is no way it’s been purchased; it’s still there on the wall.”

Cashier: “It was purchased a week ago, but it just hasn’t been picked up yet.”

Customer: “So, just sell it to me; you’ll make twice the money.”

Cashier: “Sir, I can’t sell the poster, since it isn’t ours anymore.”

Customer: “I will give you twice what the other guy paid.”

(The customer is starting to get angry, so another cashier steps in.)

Cashier #2: “Didn’t you hear her? We can’t sell it to you.”

Customer: “Fine! If you won’t sell it to me, then I’ll just take it!”

(Both the manager and I have heard this. I decide to get my poster before this man does, and I catch the manager’s attention. I also just happen to be dressed like Auron from ‘Final Fantasy X’. I jump from my spot in line, and draw my fake sword.)

Me: “Now! This is it! Now is the time to choose! Die and be free of pain or live and fight your sorrow! Now is the time to shape your stories! Your fate is in your hands!”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “Don’t look to others for knowledge; this is your story.”

Customer: “I get it, but you are not getting that poster before I do!”

Me: “Every story must have an ending.”

(While this is going on, the manager takes the poster down, and puts it behind the counter. The customer gets to the spot where the poster had been, and looks at me, surprised.)

Customer: “How did you do that?”

Me: “I’m Captain Basch!”

(The customer stomps off angrily. The whole store gets a big laugh when I do actually pick up the poster.)