Thursday, May 17, 2012

Let's Pretend, A Happy End

It was but a momentary lapse of reasoning!

Really. I swear!

I gave into my impulses and went to bed with him. It was such a guilty pleasure and I enjoyed it! But it won't happen again because we're friends and we shouldn't fuck each other if we're going to be just that. When I'm in a relationship, I want exclusivity. I don't want to share with other girls and he has a girlfriend.

Jon says my car will be done by Saturday and I can go back on my merry way on the road. But the more I think of it, I won't allow myself to be used for sex. Well, actually its my fault this time because I seduced him. It wasn't my intention but that's the way it ended. He's at work now at his business so I'm all analyzing this myself.

I could go lay out by the pool in the backyard or go see a movie, or call Jon to meet me for lunch somewhere just as a friend, nothing else. But...I'm so retarded. I'm hard up for a relationship. I don't like to be alone when I have a lot of time to myself. I mean, I love being around people, but when I'm alone, I'm at my most vulnerable and I revert back to bad impulsive habits.

So in analyzing my situation at the moment:
1) Jon's having my car fixed at his friend's garage
2) I'm staying at Jon's till its fixed
3) While I'm without a car, he asked to keep the place clean b/c he works long hours
4) We had a history back in Florida
5) We had spontaneous sex the other day (I wasn't planning on it, but I kissed him first)
6) He couldn't have stopped himself b/c I ambush-kissed him
7) Does that mean I seduced him?
8) He has a girlfriend
9) If he has a girlfriend, he could have stopped me from kissing him
10) He could have stopped himself
11) He didn't
12) So he wanted me as much as I wanted him?
13) Damn it!
14) I've got to apologize to him...for me being a retard.
15) But damn. It felt so good!

What would Samantha back home say, "You're a whore. If you ever did something like that to me, I'd kill you. Period."

Damn. I didn't want to do it, but it just happened. Jon got too close to me and I acted on impulse. Well you know, I'm cursing myself now. So guilty. I'm going to walk down to the 7-11 and grab a beer or two. And then go lay out by the pool. Such a beautiful day to waste!

Jon, to me is like the lyrics in this Garbage song, "You Look So Fine".