Prelude To A Date

“I believe that in the moments of our greatest
lucidity we can sometimes become aware of
a presentiment of our own deaths.
I don’t mean the actual physical death…”

—Graham Bell, ‘A Director’s Story’ (2006)

Your plan was based on your
desired, approximate date and time.
With him or her. For how it will
turn out to be you are still uncertain.
When you met him or maybe her one
Tuesday afternoon, you are also
uncertain whether or not he or she
is your friend. That is why

you had second thoughts
when you were invited
to attend the children’s party.
You recall. You were just seven
a grade schooler who refused
to attend a party a few blocks
away from your home in Pasay.

You did not ask for your mother’s
permission. A part of the real
you wanted to play, jam, and
eat those hotdogs with colorful
marshmallows, and of course
cake, chicken, and spag, but

you were so unsure. In your
sixteenth, you met him—or her.
Again. And this time, without fear.
You personally invited him or
her to pay you a visit. At your
new home in Antipolo city.
You told your friend that
your house in Pasay was
burned down, years ago. And that
grandpa did not survive that fall.

He or she listened to you
Like a true friend. In your sixteenth
you played with him or her
without fear or spot of doubt.
You asked him or her to sleepover.
He or she refused. You were promised
that a meeting is set to happen soon.

You eagerly waited for that day to
come. And in your twenty-third, you two
met as scheduled. At daybreak, you
decided to pull the trigger. You finally
heard the voices within you but you will
never know if he or she salvaged you.