Join the Club

Government Agent: Repeat the following sentence, "No ifs, ands or buts."

Uncle Junior: I'll do it if I fuckin' feel like it. Take your ultimatums and stick 'em in your ass.

Government Agent: No...repeat the sentence.

Uncle Junior: (yelling) What is this person talkin' about?!

Perry Benedek: These people are trying to establish for the government, that if you shot Anthony Soprano, which we're not conceding, that it certainly wasn't intentional. That you were confused and disoriented.

Government Agent: Don't coach him, please.

Uncle Junior: My nephew Anthony?!

Perry Benedek: That's why you're here in custody.

Uncle Junior: Where's Mel?

Perry Benedek: You dismissed Mr. Melvoin as your attorney and hired me, because of his paralyzed hand from his stroke, it made you nervous.

Uncle Junior: If somebody shot my nephew, it was him himself. He's a depression case.

Paulie Walnuts: Have a cookie, you're delirious. It was seven fifty, tops.

Vito Spatafore: Fuck it all, Paulie. Tommy cased that shithole.

Silvio Dante: What's with the fuckin' accountin' out there? That's a hundred grand a piece. You got it? We're lookin' after Carmela.

Paulie Walnuts: No question.

Vito Spatafore: Of course. Sooner than later Paulie.

Paulie Walnuts: I gotta piss first, you want half o' that too?

Christopher Moltisanti: (After Benny Fazio and James Zancone hit J.T. Dolan and dragging him out of a meeting) Give me that fuckin' fisheye! I'm offerin' you a way ta wipe your fuckin' obligation! Wasn't me who told you ta start gamblin' again.

J.T. Dolan: I can't write a feature now. I just landed a staff job.

Christopher Moltisanti: People are seein' huge profits with these digital horror movies. Douchebags who never made a film before.

Benny Fazio: That "Saw" thing, four hundred grand ta make, took in a hundred mil worldwide.

J.T. Dolan: I'm a hundred percent well? I deliver this script, I owe you nothin'?

Christopher Moltisanti: You hear this dude? Hundred percent well...he's a bad boy huh, with that lingo? Real fuckin' dark character. My idea is "Saw" meets "Godfather Two." Proven track record, both genres. Young wiseguy, assassin, gets betrayed by his people. They whack 'im, leave his body parts in dumpsters all around the city. Long story short, he is put back together by science, or maybe it's supernatural. And he gets fuckin' payback on everyone who fucked 'im over, includin' the cunt he was engaged to. She was gettin' porked by his boss the night the hero was killed. We'll have a meeting tomorrow. We hear what you've fleshed out before we go ta script. Bing. Two Thirty. Don't make me come look fer you.

Vito Spatafore: Fuck took you so long?

Paulie Walnuts: I had ta get it together, didn't I? We gotta get that cut ta her now.

Vito Spatafore: Easy. That's a fuckin' guilty move.

Paulie Walnuts: Tony's conscious. You capisce? Everybody and his mother was in there talking ta 'im when he was in that coma. Carmela. Who knows what the fuck they said? Maybe he's expectin' that money.

Tony Soprano: Is he fuckin' kiddin' me?! I told them I need that W-2 in perpetuity...and 5 percent o' the fuckin' sale price?! He thinks 'cause I'm in this weakened condition, he can take advantage. Well, he can go fuck himself!

Paulie Walnuts: I'm just tellin' you what Phil told me, Ton'.

Tony Soprano: You tell Jason before he sells, he better understand his obligation!

Paulie Walnuts: Guess what, fuckin' mama's boy?! You're kickin' up four grand ta me every month. I don't care if you're in Deer Valley or Death Valley! Four grand, every goddamn month! And if you ever mention a word o' this ta Tony, I'll stick this up your ass... (Paulie takes out his gun) ...and pull the trigger till the bullets come out your eyes. (Paulie kicks Jason)

Jason Barone: Ah. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.....

Mr. and Mrs. John Sacramoni Request

Prosecutor: The defendant's request for temporary release from federal custody to attend his daughter's wedding is ludicrous. Mr. Sacrimoni is a known member of organized crime at the helm of a vast criminal conspiracy.

Defendant: I notice you're wearing a wedding ring, Miss Vaughn. Was your father at your wedding?

Christopher Moltisanti: Somebody started a joke. I won't mention any names. There's no truth to it.

Corky Caporale: Oh.

Christopher Moltisanti: It's a fuckin' captain you're talkin' about. People went to see 'im, he was down the shore with his goomar.

Corky Caporale: So it's bullshit then.

Christopher Moltisanti: As soon as he saw 'em, he took off like a bat outta hell.

Corky Caporale: Fuck. (They laugh)

Christopher Moltisanti: You didn't hear it from me.

Corky Caporale: It could be a mid-life thing.

Christopher Moltisanti: Suckin' a cock?

Tony Soprano: He's a fa-ag!

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: And?

Tony Soprano: Now what am I supposed ta do?

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: About what?

Tony Soprano: I know what. They're born that way, right? It's not their fault. Frankly, I think they go about in pity for themselves.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I don't think they see it as a fault.

Tony Soprano: In your circle, I'm sure you got all kinds of uh, gays, and uh, trans-whatevers of all stripes. But not where I come from.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You personally, how do you feel about homosexuality?

Tony Soprano: I find it disgusting. Men kissin' men, holdin' hands in the street. Every fuckin' TV show now, they rub your nose in it. Although, that, the lesbian thing with the, uh, Jennifer Beals, it's not bad. She a dyke in real life? I don't give too much of a shit, what people do behind closed doors with the consentin' adults. Although, don't forget, I'm a strict Catholic. I agree with that Senator Sanitorium, says if we let this stuff go too far, pretty soon we'll be fuckin' dogs.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I hear a lot of ambivalence.

Tony Soprano: This guy that got outed, look, the guys that look for me are askin' fer head. (pause) His head, what the fuck. You know, him and me, we're in the construction business. Now some o' these union old-timers, the contractors, they're not gonna wanna be seen with him. And I'm talkin' huge deals, major fuckin' dollars.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: A lot of your circle must have done jail time. They can't be strangers to male-male sexual contact.

Tony Soprano: Well you get a pass fer that.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Well, that's nice.

Tony Soprano: Well, what are ya gonna do? There's no women there. Y-y-you're there five, ten years. And just for the record, my, uhh, incarceration was very short term, so I never had any need for any anal-you know.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: So this fellow who's been outed, what's he saying?

Tony Soprano: You think I'm lyin' don't you? About when I was in jail.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I've given you no indication I think you're lying.

Tony Soprano: What the fuck, I suppose somethin' inside me says God bless, a'salut'. Who gives a shit? I mean, I had a second chance. Why shouldn't he?

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Part of your new outlook?

Tony Soprano: Maybe.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I salute it then.

Tony Soprano: Tall fuckin' order, I'll tell ya that.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: How so?

Tony Soprano: Well, you can talk about every day bein' a gift and uh, stoppin' ta smell the roses, but regular life's got a way pickin' away at it. Your house. The shit you own. It drags you down. Your kids. What they want. One bad idea after another. Just tryin' ta work a cell phone menu is enough to make you scream.

Silvio Dante: Lemme ask you a question. Before he cornered you in the porta-potty, when the security guard was suckin' him off-

Finn DeTrolio: Whoah one sec, it-it was the other way around.

Paulie Walnuts: What?!

Finn DeTrolio: Vito was blowing the security guard.

Paulie Walnuts: Son of a bitch!!!

Carlo Gervasi: Catchin', not pitchin'?

Finn DeTrolio: He's not gonna know I told you?

Paulie Walnuts: You ain't gonna have no problem from Vito, believe me.

Finn DeTrolio: What are ya gonna do?

Christopher Moltisanti: It'll be okay. Get him ta pay for some therapy.

Paulie Walnuts: I'm sorry if I yelled T, it's just, how much more betrayal can I take?

Christopher Moltisanti: (laughing) Vito a fag. Big construction tycoon. Ton', when he was always talkin' about "greasin' the union," who knew, that's what he meant? (does jerk off notion with his hand and Patsy Parisi laughs hard in response)

Tony Soprano: Alright, this stays in these four walls. Understood?

Finn DeTrolio: You weren't there for the "grand inquisition" about Vito.

Meadow Soprano: Uh, I knew it. I'm picking the fight.

Finn DeTrolio: I was in the back of a butcher shop with your Uncle Paulie, ratting out a guy, I don't really even know. I mean, what do you think's gonna happen to Vito, for being gay? And don't give me any of that "poverty of the Mezzogiorno" bullshit. We're in fucking Caldwell, New Jersey, and you're on your high horse about justice? They are gonna mete it out themselves.

Luxury Lounge

Tony Soprano: You lost your fuckin' mind? The shit you're in with that kid, which you brought on yourself.

Artie Bucco: Brought on myself? Oh, I suppose you let a certain element into your world, you're askin' for it.

Tony Soprano: Oh!

Artie Bucco: Jesus fuckin' Christ. How could you pull that scam at my place?

Tony Soprano: Come on, you know I woulda never let that happen if I'd known.

Artie Bucco: You're innocent. I get it. I'm just another victim of "Benny Fazio: Criminal Mastermind."

Tony Soprano: That's right. The moment you found out, instead of puttin' him in the ER, you shoulda come to me. He says he's gonna kill you Artie.

Artie Bucco: I can't take American Express now Tony. You know what that means? I have to start with the fuckin' "two-fors." My accountant insisted, ya happy? Life's not fair, right I know. But somehow, I believed my dad's crap about honest work. He used ta say ta me, "You'll see, pay's off in the end." What a joke.

Tony Soprano: I hate ta see you like this. You know that. 'Cuz you start thinkin' crazy shit!

Phil Leotardo: Sure, we break some balls here tonight, but I go way back. And in light of recent humiliations, it's an honor to be joined by men, and not faggot ass corn-holin' cocksuckers like married my cousin. He should fuckin' die!

Tony Soprano: Whoah whoah whoah. Phil!

Gerry Torciano: Take it easy. Phil, you know the wine makes you emotional.

Phil Leotardo: 'Cuz I got an empty fuckin' stomach.

Tony Soprano: So have a breadstick.

Patsy Parisi: Forty Five minutes for some grilled eggplant?

Tony Soprano: Jesus Christ. Is there nothin' without this complainin'?

Benny Fazio: Hey Artie. Come here.

Artie Bucco: You ready ta order?

Benny Fazio: Why you kickin' her ass like that?

Artie Bucco: If you're referrin' to the fact that she's my employee and I'm tellin' her what to do, last time I checked, that's the way it works.

Benny Fazio: She thinks you want her ta cry. I said not true.

Artie Bucco: She told you that? 'Cuz you two talk all the time...

Benny Fazio: Yeah, so what?

Artie Bucco: So maybe you should hire her.

Benny Fazio: I know how to treat people.

Artie Bucco: You're a people person, obviously.

Benny Fazio: I am. And when they're good to me, they get treats. And when they're not, well I got this severence thing I do, it's a complete break actually.

Artie Bucco: Ohohohohohohohohoho. I get it. Uhuh. See 'cuz you talked around that bit so much, I almost missed it.

Tony Soprano: What do you want me ta do...put out an APB on the guy 'cause he takes it up the ass, huh? It's a victimless crime.

Phil Leotardo: Marie is a victim. Her children are victims. They've done nothing. And they're forced to live with the shame and humiliation. I gotta be frank, in your father's day, we wouldn't be havin' this conversation. A finook in his crew, he knew how ta handle that.

Tony Soprano: I sympathize with Marie, and the children, okay? But don't you fuckin' tell me what to do. You're only actin' boss.

Tony Soprano: Phillip, lets not make a beef where there isn't one. Fundamentally, we are in agreement on this issue, but I'll handle it.

Anthony Junior: My stomach hurts.

Tony Soprano: (furious) You stupid fuckin' moron. You realize what could've happened ta you...if we didn't have connections? Some cop goes by the book and they charge you with attempted murder! Your hear me?! Attempted murder! Then what? Then what?

Anthony Junior: So he shot you! You just gonna let him fuckin' get away with it?!

Tony Soprano: I told you that's my business, not yours! And what did you do? Nothin'! Zero! A big fuckin' jerkoff!

Tony Soprano: You're a nice guy and that's a good thing for Chrissakes!

Anthony Junior: Bullshit!

Tony Soprano: I mean it. You're a good guy. I'm very grateful.

Anthony Junior: Well, you're a fuckin' hypocrite, aight, 'cause every time we watch "Godfather," when Michael Corleone shoots those guys at the restaurant, those assholes who tried ta kill his dad, you sit there with your fucking bowl o' ice cream and you say it's your favorite scene of all time!

Tony Soprano: Jesus Christ, A.J. I mean, you make me wanna cry. It's a movie. Ya gotta grow up. You're not a kid anymore. You hear me, you...you...you gotta grow up. (A.J. throws up) Get in the car. First of all, your mother does not find out about this.

Carmela Soprano: You two always did have a very difficult relationship.

Liz La Cerva: The FBI came to my home. You'd be amazed at the questions they asked me.

Carmela Soprano: Liz...

Liz La Cerva: They admitted...they think that he killed her.

Carmela Soprano: Come on, Liz...you're drunk.

Liz La Cerva: Drunk? It's called depression. I haven't had a drink in years.

Carmela Soprano: I ran into Liz La Cerva at the feast.

Tony Soprano: Yeah...

Carmela Soprano: She has got it in her head that Christopher killed Adriana.

Tony Soprano: Uhuh...what? That's insane.

Carmela Soprano: I know. Then again, he does have a history of being free with his hands.

Tony Soprano: Oh, that makes him O.J.? She was probably drunk Carm.

Carmela Soprano: I really don't think she was.

Tony Soprano: Alright...let me school you on domestic violence, okay? First and foremost, there's always a body. And ninety nine out of a hundred, and this comes straight from my cop buddies, it happens either in the bedroom or in the kitchen. He killed her, believe me with the forensics they got nowadays, the...uh...fibers, we'd know about it.

Carmela Soprano: The FBI came to her house, Liz.

Tony Soprano: That's exactly my point. If they thought he did it, how fast do ya think they'd haul his ass in? Sour grapes, Carm. He dumps her daughter, all of a sudden he's Scott fuckin' Peterson.

Carmela Soprano: I thought Ade dumped him.

Tony Soprano: You know what I mean. She was a sweet girl, Ade. But the two of them together was a toxic relationship.

Vito Spatafore: It was the medication I was on. For my blood pressure. It fucked with my head, but I'm over that now. I could probably get a letter from my doctor.

Tony Soprano: A note from your doctor sayin' you don't like to suck cock?

Vito Spatafore: First off. I pay my way back in. I got two hundred K that goes directly to you, personally. No one else needs to know. Long term...I know construction's out. Those guys...but Meth, running girls, a lot more tolerant atmosphere. I got contacts in A.C. With your support, I could set myself up there. I'd be close, but not too close. Ton'. Please, don't turn your back on me. (Tony leaves)

Bobby Baccilieri: Vito. He was found beat to death this morning in a motel in Fort Lee. My cop up there told me.

Patsy Parisi: Minchia.

Bobby Baccilieri: Plus the homicide detectives told him Vito had a pool cue rammed up his ass.

Tony Soprano: How 'bout the fact that I hate my son? I come home, he's sittin' on the computer in his underwear...wastin' his time in some chitchat room goin' back an' forth with some other fuckin' jerkoff... gigglin' like a little school girl. I wanna fuckin' smash his fuckin' face in.

Dominic Gamiello: That pool cue, I wonder if it was chalked. (about the one shoved up Vito's ass when he was killed)

Silvio Dante: Very funny Dom. Very cute. I don't quite get it, but cute.

Dominic Gamiello: Hey you know the autopsy found a three ball in his side pocket.

Carlo Gervasi: You're on a run.

Dominic Gamiello: They found a hanky with Carlo's lipstick in his other pocket. I'm just breakin' balls. You're right though...shouldn't laugh about a tragedy. That old homo actor Raymond Navarro, had an ivory dildo stuck up his ass when they found 'im.

Silvio Dante: Pretty up on all this shit, huh Dom?

Dominic Gamiello: Come to think of it, he was from Jersey too.

Carlo Gervasi: What'd they find up your mother's cunt?

Silvio Dante: Time ta hit the trail for Metuchen, huh, whaddya say?

Dominic Gamiello: My mistake. Carlo's lipstick was on Vito's cock.

Silvio Dante: (Silvio slams Dominic in the back of the head and a fight ensues where Carlo and Silvio attack Dominic at the same time) Hit 'im! Hit this prick.

Tony Soprano: Tomorrow morning seven a.m. you go to this address, you ask for a Mr. Caravalho. I just got off the phone with him.

Anthony Junior: At seven in the morning? For what?

Tony Soprano: You're gonna be workin' construction.

Anthony Junior: What?

Tony Soprano: Ferryin' cement in a wheelbarrow.

Anthony Junior: So it's outdoors?

Tony Soprano: Yeah.

Anthony Junior: Well, it's wintertime.

Tony Soprano: You got a lot o' those hooded sweatshirts. Like the mulignans wear that you watch on MTV. You can double up.

Anthony Junior: Come on, this is bullshit.

Tony Soprano: Every penny you make, you keep. We won't charge you any rent. And believe me, the pay is good, it's a union job. I just wanna see you do good. You're my son and I love you.

Anthony Junior: Look, I'm just gonna have to leave your friend in the lurch when I go back to school.

Tony Soprano: That's okay. He deals with that all the time.

Anthony Junior: I'd just as soon keep searching online.

Tony Soprano: I'm sure you would. But if you're not at that site tomorrow morning, I'm gonna take away your car, and then I'm gonna take away your clothes. And then I'm gonna take away your room and I'm gonna take away your mother's cookin'. And pretty soon you're gonna be on the fuckin' street. (Tony steps away, grabs a helmet and smashes it into AJ's car window)

Anthony Junior: What the hell are you doing?

Tony Soprano: It might get a little drafty drivin' down there tomorrow. But I will have this fuckin' thing towed out o' here and ground up into fuckin' Brillo pads. I mean, look at it, you don't take care of it. Don't put me to the test.

Kaisha

Little Carmine Lupertazzi: As we know, Phil asked me to arrange this meeting after the fire in his wire room.

Phil Leotardo: Correction. You asked me to fuckin' attend. I agreed.

Little Carmine Lupertazzi: Fair enough. Now I won't call it a sit-down because of the inclement negative implications. Let's think of it as...a meeting of minds. Now for whatever reason, certain incidents have expired lately that in addition to being dangerous could have an adverse impact on our respective bottom lines.

Tony Soprano: Call him what you will but you're talkin' about one of my captains.

Phil Leotardo: Captain? The Good Ship Lollipop, right?

Little Carmine Lupertazzi: Phil, please.

Phil Leotardo: Please, my ass. The man was a fuckin' disgrace.

Tony Soprano: Well, before he came outta the closet, he worked for me. And he put a lot of money in my pocket. And yours too.

Phil Leotardo: Talk about earners? How 'bout Fat Dom Gamiello?

Silvio Dante: What about 'im?

Phil Leotardo: He's M.I.A. A lot of people are concerned for his well-being.

Tony Soprano: So what the fuck would I know about that?

Phil Leotardo: Well as coincidence would have it, he was last seen in New Jersey.

Tony Soprano: So was the Hindenburg. Maybe you wanna look into that too.

Little Carmine Lupertazzi: Tony, please. Phil. We're gettin' off point. I grew up in this, guys. And I just lost my friend Rusty. And for reasons I will discern in time, believe me. If there's one thing my father taught me, it's this...a pint of blood costs more than a gallon of gold. My business...all of our businesses...this infighting's costing money.

Tony Soprano: I'm willin' ta move forward. Let the past be bygones.

Phil Leotardo: Fine with me.

Little Carmine Lupertazzi: A wise decision...on both your parts. Now what I'd love to see is a truce. Wipe the slate clean. The no-shows. The wire room. Vito...put it all behind us.

Silvio Dante: What's the name o' that sangovaise we had at quadrugate, huh, the night you- (Gerry Torciano gets gunned down by an assassin)

Tony Soprano: So how was Florida?

Phil Leotardo: Hot and sticky...like my balls.

Warren Feldman: (Johnny lies in bed) I don't know if you heard but...Gerry Torciano. He was hit last week in Brooklyn.

Johnny Sack: Who?

Warren Feldman: Gerry Torciano. Was all over the news. They whacked 'im in some restaurant. Did you know 'im?

Johnny Sack: Yeah...uh...um...good guy. So hard to breathe.

Christopher Moltisanti: The whole sequence with Sally Boy bangin' the fiance. You gotta tell Tony that was your idea.

J.T. Dolan: It wasn't my idea.

Christopher Moltisanti: What are you, fuckin' stupid now? He probably thinks I put it in there to embarrass him.

J.T. Dolan: Why did you put it in there?

Christopher Moltisanti: It was an idea. I don't know. Who knows where they fuckin' come from. Isaac Newton invented gravity 'cause some asshole hit 'im with an apple.

J.T. Dolan: It's bad enough that I don't get credit for my own ideas. Now I'm supposed ta take responsibilty for some shit that's gonna get me in trouble. Fuck that man. (Christopher lifts an award from J.T.'s counter)

Christopher Moltisanti: Look out the window! You see a fuckin' Hollywood sign out there? Maybe you talk ta your agent like that, but don't ever get fuckin' snippy on me again.

Phil Leotardo: That cocksuckin' piece o' shit, Tony Soprano's cousin, I can't even say his name, murdered Billy. And what did I do about it? My weakness...sometimes I think it's in my DNA. My family took shit from the Amerigans the minute we get off the boat.

Remember When

Carter Chong: Once in third grade, I got a ninety six on my spelling test, highest mark in the class, I was so proud. I brought it home to show my dad...what happened ta the other four points, he says. (Carter takes a pause) Fuck you! Fuck you! (Carter slams his fists together)

Tony Soprano: I don't know...I look at my key guys...Paulie, Christopher, my brother-in-law, what's number one on their agenda, you know? They're all fuckin' murderers for chrissakes.

Hesh Rabkin: Did you hear the one about the Jewish terrorist? He was gonna hijack a plane but he didn't wanna use his miles.

Tony Soprano: (to Carlo Gervasi) Maybe you should start suckin' cock instead o' watching TV land, 'cause Vito brought in three times what you do on construction. Yeah! And I didn't have this fuckin' problem!

Bobby Baccilieri: Speakin' o' loads. Hear the latest on Vito Junior.

Christopher Moltisanti: What?

Tony Soprano: Marie called. He got expelled 'cause he took a shit in the shower in gym class.

Paulie Walnuts: Oh!!!

Christopher Moltisanti: That sick little fuck!

Tony Soprano: You should see 'im. The makeup. Now without school, Marie says he's shut in his room all day.

Christopher Moltisanti: Probably thinkin' about how ta pull a Columbine.

Walk Like A Man

Carmela Soprano: Anthony?

Anthony Junior: What?

Carmela Soprano: I am making French Toast.

Anthony Junior: I'm not hungry. Jesus, how many times are you gonna ask me?

Carmela Soprano: You heard the term "Comfort Food." Maybe it'll make you feel better.

Anthony Junior: I know this is hard for you to believe, but food may not be the answer to every problem.

Tony Soprano: Well, neither is actin' like a whiny little bitch.

Paulie Walnuts: What d'ya say we take a ride...little prime rib, on me.

Christopher Moltisanti: Maybe next time.

Paulie Walnuts: What, are you watchin' your cholesterol now too?

Paulie Walnuts: Lower your voice! I got neighbors!

Christopher Moltisanti: Fuck your neighbors! When you gonna pay me?

Paulie Walnuts: When you suck the money outta my ass! Now get the fuck out!

Christopher Moltisanti: Listen, I gotta talk ta you!

Tony Soprano: Now?

Christopher Moltisanti: It can't wait T, this fuckin' Paulie!

Bobby Baccilieri: What happened?

Christopher Moltisanti: He sent his idiot nephew and Jason Molinaro ta my father in law's store. They boosted a power to power source.

Tony Soprano: They did?

Christopher Moltisanti: Yeah. Not exactly, Al caught 'em while they were there.

Tony Soprano: So, they did or did not take the source?

Christopher Moltisanti: They did. Under false pretense.

Tony Soprano: And this is what you couldn't wait ta talk ta me about?

Christopher Moltisanti: They broke inta the guy's store T!

Tony Soprano: Yeah, I hear ya, I get it. But we're in the middle o' talkin' about an ongoing potentially multi million dollar proposition here Christopher.

Christopher Moltisanti: It ain't the money Ton'.

Tony Soprano: Oh really? Well I'm glad ya feel that way. Power ta drills, you believe this shit? Go have a Live Ricky or whatever the fuck it is you're drinkin' these days and we'll be done in a few minutes.

Kennedy and Heidi

Tony Soprano: (on phone) Alright, listen. Sweetheart, there's been an accident, We were comin' back from the city and Christopher's dead.

Carmela Soprano: (on phone) (Gasps) Oh my God!!!

Tony Soprano: Alright...Carm...

Carmela Soprano: What happened?

Tony Soprano: He drove off the road...and...and...and the car flipped over and...look, I'll tell you in detail.

Carmela Soprano: Are you okay?

Tony Soprano: I just banged my knee, you know the one from High School, I'm fine, but...he wasn't wearin' a belt.

Carmela Soprano: So where are you, Saint Claire's.

Tony Soprano: Listen, they're gonna call Kelli, if they haven't already...and...just get Al and Rita on the phone...and get 'em started already.

Carmela Soprano: Alright. Alright. Oh my God, Tony. He's dead?!

Tony Soprano: (pause) Yeah.

Silvio Dante: He didn't seem high did he?

Tony Soprano: Are you kiddin'? I've been furious. I woulda fuckin' strangled 'im.

Tony Soprano: Get me a scotch.

Meadow Soprano: Are you serious?

Tony Soprano: Yeah. And have one yourself.

Tony Soprano: You alright?

Paulie Walnuts: I know I had my differences with that kid...but maybe I didn't do right by him neither. If you were his dad, I was his Dutch uncle. And what the fuck did I do but get pissed off? Fight with him over cocksuckin' fuckin' money. And break his balls when he tried not to have a drink...or a little taste o' snow.

Tony Soprano: He was a tremendous drag on my emotions...on my thoughts about the future. I mean, ta begin with...every mornin' I wake up thinkin' "is today the day that one o' my best friends is gonna dime me ta the FBI." And a weak fuckin' snivelin', lyin' drug addict? That's the worst kind o' bet. The biggest blunder o' my career is now gone. And I don't have ta be confronted by that fact no more. And as a relative, a friend, someone you can count on... (Tony does a non-caring notion with his hand)

Tony Soprano: Come on Phil, what...what's the problem? I come here on good faith. I make a reasonable counter.

Phil Leotardo: Which I considered...and rejected.

Tony Soprano: Do we need ta talk in private?

Phil Leotardo: For what?

Tony Soprano: Okay then...in front of everybody. When you were sick, in the hospital, we talked. We shared a...uh...an understanding about life.

Phil Leotardo: This is business Anthony.

Tony Soprano: Yeah I...I know. But I'm talkin' ta ya here on a human level. There's a limit Phil. Come on. Point where business bleeds into other shit. Feelings make things financially unfeasible.

Phil Leotardo: Charles Schwab over here. (everyone laughs)

Tony Soprano: So that's it? No leeway, no compromise, just stupid fuckin' jokes.

Phil Leotardo: You want compromise? How's this? Twenty years in the can, I wanted Manicott. I compromised. I ate grilled cheese off the radiator instead. I wanted ta fuck a woman but I compromised...I jacked off in a tissue. You see where I'm goin'?

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What do you know about your condition? You miss appointments because you don't give a shit, about commitments, about what I do, about the body of work that's gone into building up this science. Go ahead, tell me again I sound like your wife.

Tony Soprano: O...okay, (Tony stands up) I'm...I'm...listen I'm gonna tell you somethin', and you're not gonna like it but we can say anything in here-

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Go ahead!

Tony Soprano: Alright...I'm...I'm chalkin' this all up to female menopausal situations.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You're not my gynecologist.

Tony Soprano: Well, you don't need a gynecologist to know which way the wind blows. (Melfi walks to her door and opens it) So wait a minute, you're tellin' me, after all this time, after everything we shared in here, you're cuttin' me loose just as my son got outta the hospital, for trying ta kill 'imself.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Since you are in crisis, I don't wanna waste your time.

Tony Soprano: You know, I gotta be fuckin' honest, as a doctor, I think what you're doin' is immoral.

Carmela Soprano: AJ, how...how are we going ta get him ta go along, he won't leave his room, let alone the house.

Tony Soprano: He's gonna leave the house.

Carmela Soprano: Tony...

Tony Soprano: On a piece of plywood if necessary, but he's gonna leave the house.

Anthony Junior: You just bust in? I mean, we could've been doin' anythin'!

Butch DeConcini: We'll come up with a number? (Tony agrees and shakes hands with Butch)

Carmela Soprano: Okay, as your parents, we don't feel joining the army is in your best interest.

Anthony Junior: This country is in a crisis.

Carmela Soprano: How can one soldier stop it?

Anthony Junior: When my enlistment's up, I could join the CIA or something. And with a military background, I'd have a leg up. And as an Arabic speaker, I'd be really useful.

Tony Soprano: I don't understand. You're gonna ask the Donald for some time off from your pilot job to go on CIA missions?

Anthony Junior: Everything's a joke to you!

Tony Soprano: I'm not havin' a good time.

Anthony Junior: Did you, or did you not want me to go to military school!?

Tony Soprano: So?

Paulie Walnuts: All due respect, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart, I'm gonna pass.

Tony Soprano: I don't fuckin' believe this! Why?

Paulie Walnuts: Every guy who ran that crew died prematurely.

Tony Soprano: Ah, come on!

Paulie Walnuts: I beat cancer once, you got no idea what that does ta you!

Tony Soprano: Yeah, I know, I know, but Jesus, you got-

Paulie Walnuts: Richie Aprile, Ralphie M.I.A., Vito, and who knows what the fuck with Carlo and Gigi!

Tony Soprano: Gigi died takin' a shit!

Paulie Walnuts: Doesn't mean it's not part of an overall pat!

Tony Soprano: Paulie, you gonna deny yourself life change o' the money? A package to leave your neice who has MS? You know, it's like your bullshit with the cat. The fuckin' animal catches mice for us, but you drown it.

Paulie Walnuts: I would.

Tony Soprano: He's not lookin' at Christopher! A rat died in the wall back there or some shit.

Paulie Walnuts: I moved the picture, that fuckin' thing came to the new spot, and stared.

Tony Soprano: The abstract shapes or somethin'. Tell you this, since his death, my gamblin' looks done a one eighty.

Paulie Walnuts: Oh, okay. It's fine for you ta believe that, but I can't worry about a jinx? Ton', I never told this to another livin' soul...

Tony Soprano: Yeah?

Paulie Walnuts: One time at the Bing, I was alone ta meet Eddy Lind. I saw the Virgin Mary.

Tony Soprano: Why didn't you say somethin'? Fuck strippers, we coulda had a shrine. Sold holy water in gallon jugs. Coulda made billions!

Paulie Walnuts: I tell you somethin' deep in my heart, and you laugh it off?

Tony Soprano: I'm not sayin' there's nothin' out there Paulie, but to not live your life? What the fuck are you gonna do? Hey, you don't want the job, you don't want the job. I could put Patsy in there. He's gonna be part of my family now. Be good.