He tried to avoid taking my class, but when his friends registered he did too. Andrey Pavlov figured it would be worse to take his capstone course alone than to suffer through me. That was nearly 16 years ago, and was the spark of glorious fellowship.

After he completed his BS, Andrey was accepted into Marist’s MBA program, where he would likely “suffer through Rothberg” again. He came to see me with a surprising request: “You shred our work to pieces and all we want to say after that is ‘thank you.’ I want to learn how to do that.” How do you respond to that? There was nothing I could do other than hire him to work with me on a project.

After Andrey graduated, he went back to Moscow and worked in Finance. When my conference travels would bring me to Europe, Andrey would fly in for a day or two to share some cheese, good brandy and great conversation. At one such conference a colleague asked me for a nomination to a competitive PhD fellowship at Cranfield University outside of London. Andrey earned this opportunity and in 2010 defended his dissertation and became Dr. Pavlov, teaching strategy and performance management in the Executive and traditional MBA programs at Cranfield School of Management – one of Europe’s Top 20 Business Schools. His excellent teaching, research and current book has secured his place there.

I was emotional walking into his office. Here was the desk, the articles, the artifacts of my student, the well-regarded professor, the wonderful friend, sharing his expertise, his accomplishments with me. Maybe he didn’t suffer too badly after all. The circle is complete.

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For many of us a new year ushers in self-reflection and promises for change. This is good – identifying things about ourselves or situations that we want to enhance. Often though, resolutions don’t work; they are either made under the duress of champagne, a food coma, or are too bold to be reachable. We feel them in our head, not in our heart. And if we don’t fulfill them, we can become disappointed.

Here are some ideas for avoiding the potentially demoralizing impact of not living up to your own proclamations:

Look Back: You are Already Better than You Think

Before you dive into listing things you don’t like about your life, recognize what you have done that worked. We often get caught up in what is negative without giving due course to the new responsibilities that we mastered, the friends we have helped, the boss who said thanks, or the choice to take the stairs.

Lighten up. In the course of your busy life you have probably done more to grow than you think.

Keep it Real

Create a small list of things you want to work on. This is not an opportunity to nit-pick yourself. No lists of could have, should have, would have, if only. This serves no purpose other than to make you feel bad. Instead, be discerning and deliberate. Keep it simple.

Here’s a tool to help:

With no more than three categories, e.g., self, life, career, consider no more than two things you would like to do differently. Then ask yourself:

What good will come from changing this?

Will this change be good for me and those I care about?

Can I look myself in the eye each day if I do nothing about it?

For each question you can rate each of your changes from 1-3, where 3 is the most important. Then total the score for each. Choose one or two of the possible six things you identified that scores the highest to focus on.

CHANGE INVENTORY:

Then, ask yourself honestly- do I really care if I do this? If the answer is no, then put the inventory away and look at it again another time. A new year is a traditional time to reflect- but it might not be the right time for you. If the answer is yes, continue on.

Take Small Bites

Change is not a feast. You need to conceive what it is you want and what it will look like when you get there – it is a vision, a driver, not a plan. Change is not a product, it’s a process, and it is best served on small plates taken in small bites. So determine:

What deliberate outcome are you looking for?

What specific actions will you take, step by step and when?

How you will identify if you are getting there?

Small bites are easier to swallow and digest. And even here, some may go down easier than others, and that’s ok too. It is wise to try something new in a small amount – that way you don’t choke on it if it’s not for you.

Celebrate Your Progress

Growth occurs in steady intervals and in spurts. Progress can take time. And then sometimes it compounds! It might not seem like you are getting far and then something happens to show you that there’s a difference. Be patient, encourage yourself and when you have completed a small bite – savor it, recognize yourself for it. There is distance traveled and that’s what matters most. Then use that small win to step toward the next one.

If it Doesn’t Taste Good Ditch the Plate

Change for change’s sake doesn’t work. It needs to be a deliberate effort to take yourself to your next. If you are doing it because someone else wants you to, it may not work out. You also might decide as you take small bites that the plate you are creating is not for you. You couldn’t have known this unless you tasted it. This is also progress.

What matters most in the ever evolving process of becoming a new you is that you will be the same and different, whether you consciously decide to work on it or not. So, enjoy the journey.

Cheers!

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I mostly travel to NYC by train. I have two choices- multiple options all day and into the night on Metro North’s Hudson River Line to the magnificence of Grand Central Station. Or NJ Transit’s Port Jervis Line with decent options during rush hour, almost nothing in the afternoon, three opportunities to get home after 7:30pm – and after a change in Secaucus deposits me in the dungeon of Penn Station. 99% of the time I ride NJ Transit.

Here’s why:

Unlike the Hunger Games of parking anywhere on the Hudson River Line, I can park my car easily at multiple Port Jervis Line stations and it costs under $2.00

The bigger reason though is Conductor Carmen Foti.

I sit in the quiet car. I have said good morning to Carmen over the years and always thank him for the ride. He is courteous and helpful. On June 20, 2017 I boarded the train with my friend Susan, not the quiet car but the one right behind it. Punching our tickets he said:

“What’s going on?” This was a different greeting than the usual “Good Morning.”

“I’m going to NYC?” I thought maybe that was the wrong answer-

“No, something is going on. It’s not just because you are not in the quiet car- I see it in your face.”

Susan told him that we were going to the Barnes & Nobles on 5th avenue to launch my book “The Perfect Mix.” Carmen beamed and for the rest of the trip told everyone on the car- people I knew and didn’t know. He was my proud ambassador and it didn’t end there.

At his break, Carmen changed out of his uniform, traveled to NYC and was there on 5th avenue at the B&N to get a signed copy of one of the first books I ever sold. He said it was for his daughter.

Train conductors have a tough job. I have seen Carmen deal with belligerent, attention seeking people with calm and aplomb. He has smoothed many a ride for snippy people when the train is delayed. On June 20th, in addition to conductor, Carmen was a member of the community, supporting of one of his own. And, that’s worth holding my nose and navigating Penn Station, even in August.

I post weekly, so follow me to see more or connect with me on LinkedIn, Facebook, or Twitter: @helenrothberg | www.helenrothberg.com

September at Jersey Shore is special: small crowds, warm ocean, and parking. This year, unusually balmy air and water temperatures were offset with a rough surf and fierce riptides. All beaches posted dangerous swimming conditions.

Within minutes of my arrival at the beach a few weeks ago, beach bliss was broken when a guy grabbed a boogey board and raced into the water. Two people were drowning. Luckily, the surfer reached them just in time. A couple of days later, I watched another swimmer get pulled farther and farther from shore. One person called for help, the rest of us waved our arms and a surfer walking the boardwalk kicked off his shoes and jumped into the water. This ended well too.

Who are these surfers that race to save strangers in perilous conditions that they won’t even surf in?

They stand out, to me, because they are a community with shared vision, purpose and strong values.

Surfers Respect the Ocean. Regardless of skill level, they seem to understand when to leave the water alone and not try to conquer the next big wave. They know when to stay on shore.

Surfers are Patient. They wait and watch for the “right” wave. Many may pass. Other people might engage, but surfers wait for the one that they believe is right for them.

Surfers Don’t Give up When They Fail. If they wipe out, they paddle back out and wait and watch again. Over and over, until the light in the sky fades or its time to go to work.

Surfers Respect Each Other. They greet each other in the water. They keep a respectful and safe distance. They don’t criticize when people wipe out. They offer encouragement to newcomers.

Surfers Have a Code of Honor. If someone is in trouble, anyone, you try and save them. Period.

Vision, values, purpose are core ingredients in creating a shared culture where people know what they are striving for, what is expected of them and what they can expect from each other. Surfer values are a perfect mix for a healthy and productive community where people can lead themselves.

The education system is out of sync with our phase of evolution as a society.

Evolutionary psychologists remind us that in the beginning we were hunters and gatherers- constantly looking around for nuts and berries, scouting protein and being vigilant about threats. Our bodies were always in motion as were our senses and eyes.

When we became agrarian, we learned how to dig holes, drop seeds, and tend to them according to the rhythms of the seasons. Our current educational system still has its roots here. We expect our students to sit in a classroom, focus on an educator and a board or a screen, to memorize and to splay back what is learned. Dig holes, drop seeds.

The challenge here is that many students are like hunters and gatherers again–reared on videos, apps and games that change images in nanoseconds, who communicate in 140 characters at most. They connect in small bites while constantly monitoring the environment (their smartphones). It’s hard for them to tend to their seeds when they are once again attuned for the hunt.

So what now? As educators, we need to create an ecosystem for hunters and gathers. This means variety in how we share information, stimulating student minds by engaging their eyes, and ears, and bodies. Instead of teaching from a podium, or a board, educators need to navigate the room, speaking from different places so that students will have to move and track. Stopping next to a student to ask a question, giving them the option to pass the question onto another or and take the next one keeps them aware and engaged. Receiving a high-five for a good answer keeps them trying.

Educators need to craft more challenging and interesting projects to engage student propensity to “hunt” for relevant information and “gather” from across multiple perspectives. Then, they will not be waiting for the seed to germinate and grow. Instead they will be producing tight, integrative critical work. Yes, this is more work for educators, and for students. And, these hunters and gathers are the future leaders of our tribe. We need to evolve together. We need them to put down their smartphones and think.

Fact can be more exhilarating, frustrating, surprising and exasperating than fiction. This is the essence of Rothberg’s Rants. These are observations of everyday events and changes in society that astound me. They are not critiques as much as commentary and musing about how to find the light at the end of the tunnel.