How To Tell If A Guy Is A Freak In The Sheets

1. He tips well. Generous people are generous everywhere. If he’s only tipping 10 percent, he’s not going down on you. I think that’s in the Constitution.

2. He asks you your opinion, and he really listens to it. If he genuinely gives a crap about how you feel and what you think, those qualities will transfer to the bedroom. And the kitchen. And your home office desk. And the shower. And the backyard. Is it getting hot in here?

3. He’s an experimental eater. If he’s got a voracious and adventurous appetite when it comes to dinner, he probably has a voracious and adventurous appetite when it comes to bedroom shenanigans. You know what they say: The key to a lady’s orgasm is through her man’s stomach. (Right??)

4. He touches you a lot. This one is “duh” but if you’re with a man who’s apprehensive about even holding your hand, he’s probably not equipped to love your body down.

5. He’s respectful to all women. Guys who are shitty to women are just bad news in general, and you can be damn sure they’re terrible in bed because they don’t care about the ladies. If your man has a great relationship with his mom, buys his sisters’ birthday gifts, and has lady friends who adore him? That is a dude who is gonna give you multiple orgasms, guaranteed. (And then sometimes bring you flowers the next day. Nothing wrong with that!)

6. He doesn’t brag. Dudes who tell tall tales outside of the bedroom usually have major shortcomings within it. Also, if he gets braggadocious about past sexual conquests, it’s almost 100 percent certain he’s gonna suck in bed. As the biblical saying goes: “Those who do, do. Those who can’t, talk mad shit and then finish on your face.”

7. He looks at you. I mean really looks at you. Like, a lot of time. If you’re stuffing pizza in your maw and your man is staring at you like you’re a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model wrapped in a pizza and holding a bottomless IPA, he’s probably gonna carry that enthusiasm into bed.

8. He smells amazing. Smell is a huge thing when it comes to attraction, so if you can’t get enough of your man’s scent, you’re gonna go HAM on him when you two are alone.