Emotional Abuse: Why Your Marriage Counseling Failed

If you live with a resentful, angry, or emotionally abusive person, you most likely have tried marriage counseling that made things worse at home.

By the time couples come to our boot camps for chronic resentment, anger, or emotional abuse, they have been to an average of three marriage counselors. A major reason for their disappointment is that marriage counseling presupposes that both parties have self-regulation skill - the ability to hold onto self-value while they regulate guilt, shame, and a state of inadequacy, without feeling entitled to blame them on one another. In our Age of Entitlement, fewer couples seem able or willing to do this.

Another strike against marriage counseling is manifest in an old joke among marriage therapists: We all have skid marks at the door from husbands being drug in. Therapists tend to go out of their way to engage the man because he is 10 times more likely to drop out than his wife. In cases of normal relationship distress, this extra effort to keep the man engaged isn't usually a problem. But in verbally or emotionally abusive relationships it can be disastrous. Here's an example:

Therapist: Estelle, it seems that Gary gets angry when he feels judged.

Gary: That's right. I get judged about everything.

Therapist: (to Estelle) I'm not saying that you are judging him. I'm saying that he feels judged. Perhaps if your request could be put in such a way that he wouldn't feel judged, you would get a better reaction.

Estelle: How do I do that?

Therapist: I noticed that when you ask him for something, you focus on what he's doing wrong. You also use the word "you" a lot. Suppose you framed it like this: "Gary, I would like it if we could spend five minutes when we get home just talking to each other about our day, because when we do that, we're both in better moods and there's no yelling." (to Gary) Would you feel judged if she put it like that?

Gary: Not at all. But I doubt that she could get the judgment out of her tone of voice. She doesn't know how to talk any other way.

Therapist: Sure she does. (to Estelle) You can say it without judgment in your voice, can't you?

Estelle: I don't mean to be judgmental, I just want him to get the point.

Therapist: Why don't we rehearse it a few times?

So now the problem isn't Gary's sense of inadequacy or his addiction to blame or his yelling or his abusiveness; it's Estelle's judgmental tone of voice. With this crucial shift in perspective introduced by the therapist, Estelle rehearsed her new approach. Gary responded positively to her efforts, while the therapist was there to contain his emotional reactivity. At home, of course, it was another matter.

In a less reactive relationship, the therapist's advice wouldn't be so bad. If Gary could regulate his emotions and sense of entitlement, he might have appreciated Estelle's efforts to consider him in the way she phrased her requests; perhaps he would have become more empathic in response. But in the day-to-day reality of their walking-on-eggshells relationship, Gary felt guilty when Estelle made greater efforts to appease him. Without self-regulation skill, he blamed his guilt on her -- she wasn't doing it right, her "I-statements" had an underlying accusatory tone, she was trying to make him look bad, etc.

Many abusers assail their partners on the way home from the therapist's office for bringing up threatening or embarrassing things in the session. One couple came to our boot camp after being seriously injured in a car crash that resulted from arguments on the way home from their therapist. I'm willing to bet that if you've tried marriage counseling in a relationship rife with resentment, anger, or abuse, you've had a few chilly, argumentative, or abusive rides home from the sessions.

One popular marriage therapist and author has written that women in abusive marriages have to learn to set boundaries. "She needs to learn skills to make her message - 'I will not tolerate this behavior any longer' - heard. [The] hurt person [must] learn how to set boundaries that actually mean something." This is the therapeutic equivalent of a judge dismissing your law suit against vandals because you failed to put up a "Do not vandalize" sign. You have to wonder if this therapist puts post-its on valued objects in her office that clearly state, "Do not steal!"

Putting aside the harmful and inaccurate implication that people are abused because they don't have the "skill to set boundaries," this kind of intervention completely misses the point. Your partner's resentment, anger, or abuse has nothing to do with the way you set boundaries or with what you argue about. It has to do with his violation of his deepest values.

You will protect yourself, not by setting boundaries that he won't respect, but by reintegrating your deepest values into your everyday sense of self. When you no longer internalize the distorted image of yourself derived from your partner's behavior, a powerful conviction will emerge; you will overcome emotional reactivity and return to the person you were before the relationship went bad. Then your partner will get it: He must change the way he treats you to save the relationship.

The wrong kind of therapy definitely can make many relationships worse -- for exactly the reasons you point out.

For example,when people who are dealing with partners who have untreated ADHD ask me about couples therapy options, I tell them they're taking their lives (and relationships) in their hands if they pursue "standard" couples therapy. Things can go downhill go fast if neurocognitive deficits (and undiagnosed psychiatric illness) aren't factored in.

I especially found this part of your column to be spot on:

"So now the problem isn't Gary's sense of inadequacy or his addiction to blame or his yelling or his abusiveness; it's Estelle's judgmental tone of voice. With this crucial shift in perspective introduced by the therapist, Estelle rehearsed her new approach. Gary responded positively to her efforts, while the therapist was there to contain his emotional reactivity. At home, of course, it was another matter."

Too many couples therapists also confuse association with causation. For example, they blame the "nagging" spouse while trying to "support" the spouse who can't be budged from the sofa.

And I completely agree on this point:

"One popular marriage therapist and author has written that women in abusive marriages have to learn to set boundaries. "She needs to learn skills to make her message - 'I will not tolerate this behavior any longer' - heard. [The] hurt person [must] learn how to set boundaries that actually mean something." This is the therapeutic equivalent of a judge dismissing your law suit against vandals because you failed to put up a "Do not vandalize" sign. You have to wonder if this therapist puts post-its on valued objects in her office that clearly state, "Do not steal!""

LOL!! Exactly. They say that "good fences make good neighbors." But what if you erect a perfectly strong fence, and your neighbor runs it down with a Humvee -- or more benignly, in a fit of distraction or hyperfocus, forgets that the fence is there when they decide they want to build a new garage. Is that the fence-builder's fault? Some therapists will imply so when it comes to couples therapy.

Some people just can't believe that the wrong therapy might make things worse, but it's absolutely true. Thanks for explaining, in part, why.

Gina Pera, author
Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.?
Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder

A lot of people say that the first step in change for an abusive man is that he fully admit to all his abusive behaviors. But if the root cause of the abusive behavior is his inability to regulate feelings of guilt, shame, and inadequacy, it would seem that the 'admit you are an abuser' approach is doomed to fail.

I find that a very astute statement, Julie. And it surely fits in with my knowledge of brain conditions such as ADHD and bi-polar disorder, because these tend to reduce what the psychological professionals call "insight" -- the ability to see yourself as others see you, to be objective about your actions and behavior.

Besides being an exercise in frustration, the idea of making the abuser he/she is an abuser is also a bad idea if you want to try to reach the person. Saying "you are an abuser" is essentially calling someone a name. And who responds to that?

If that person has a diagnosable disorder (and truly, does a healthy brain benefit from abuse? I don't think so), then what they need are answers and strategies. But first they need someone to understand what role their brain might play in acting the way they do -- and then explaining it to them.

I understand your point of view. If either or both of the partners don't have the ability to either recognize their behavior, or control their impulses, the usual style of counseling probably won't be effective.

Counseling that focuses on increasing the self esteem of both parties individually prior to working together with them as a couple might be an alternative, if both are willing. (big if!!)

From my experience abuse occurs due to a lack of self esteem and a feeling of inferiority.

I have worked with abusers and found them to be quite sophisticated in their ability to blame others to take the spotlight off themselves. The direct approach of trying to discuss daily challenges rarely works. They are too caught up in the blame game.

Many times the abuser has so much shame with regard to his/her own behavior, as well as past events, that getting to underlying issues is extremely difficult. The rage that underlies abuse, due to the shame and inferiority, can be frightening.

For male clients, I have found that men's groups have been an effective tool. Usually when complaining about the actions of the partner at home, the group member is surprised to get called out by the other men in the group on his own part in the conflict. This seems to create some level of awareness. The group also serves as a safe place for men to vent regarding their frustrations, an important need often ignored.

I used to spend 2 hours after each therapy appointment calming my now ex-wife down to the point where seh could interact with our then 9 year old son on something other than a "senseless rage" basis. She loved therapy when I was not there, since it gave her a forum to talk and she did not have to agree to anything. She did not like it when I participated. That is where all the problems arose -- my pesky participation.

Nevertheless, it WAS a useful exercise. I went back to my marriage counsellor after marriage counselling had been over for 9 months --- to get grounded on my already made (and filed) decision to divorce. It was very useful to talk to someone who had independent knowledge of my ex wife. And, it was useful to understand that marriage counselling was useless since you were undergoing the process with only one side willing to address behavioral issues.

So, maybe you can look at this type of counselling as a "two step" instead of a twelve step" process.

I would NEVER go to marriage counseling again nor would I reccomment it to anyone. It by far spiraled my marriage into a deeper tailspin than it was already in doing more damage than ever. Now divorced.

I'm wondering about the benefits of boundaries... despite the value of Steven's example of how bringing up the subject of boundaries in counselling with an abused/abusing couple does NOT help. [Good to read about, good awareness to have, considering I advised a friend ending an abusive marriage about using boundaries... now I see why it wasn't very helpful!]

Are boundaries still important to learn to use? [and if, like me, you lacked good emotional life skills from early in life?]

Can using newly-learned boundary skills keep you safer from entering into abusive relationship?

Is using boundaries too much of a shortcut to be effective in learning to develop intimacy as an adult?

There are two kinds of boundaries. One guides relationship interactions and the other aids self-regulation. The former, as described in the post, is of little use in abusive relationships, since they are, by definition, violation of personal rights, i.e., freedom from fear and the right to be treated with respect.

An example of a self-regulation boundary might be that I will not flirt with someone at a party, even though I am attracted to her and would find it enjoyable and stimulating to do so. The crucial point about self-regulation boundaries that is often missed in self-help books is that they should not be artificial lines in the sand of what you will or won’t do. Rather, they should emerge naturally from you deeper values. If you are attuned to your deeper values, you don’t need to set a boundary of how you will behave at a party. Setting boundaries are a poor substitute for genuine core value work.

I read the story about Lifestreams Solutions Counseling Center(Arizona) about Matt Manka And Debbie Manka. Matt was the Psychologist who married his patient Debbie and it destroyed their family and kids etc. There is a reason psychologists arent supposed to marry or date their clients. They have ultimate mental/emotional leverage over the patient. Mr. Manka should have considered the well being of her children and family before forcing his gold-digging agenda onto that family(who i undrstand are millionares). Its a disgrace,the whole story. Manka was even counseling the couple for marriage problems before moving in on the wife. Is she deaf,dumb and blind or what? Any comments out there?

Kris,
I am in the field and the "rules" are not to have relationships with clients for at least 2 years. As a colleague and friend of both Matt and Debbie I know that they started a friendship somewhere between 3 and 4 years after ending the therapeutic relationship. This is not illegal but may be frowned upon by some professionals. They are people of high integrity and compassion. I also understand that your family problems were there well before this relationship ever started.
It is a sad reflection on modern technology when people such as yourself and your husband can go onto blog sites such as this and post lies about people and do this under false names. For example, a friend of mine, I'll only use her first name, Karen, (however her full name was used on-line) had a comment posted on this site. I know for a fact that someone used her name without her permission as I have spoken with her regarding this incident and she told me it was not her who wrote this blog. I wonder who used her name falsely.
The Manka's families, friends, business associates, and other four children know the truth about this situation, which is that you, Kris, and your husband are lashing out at your mother for pressing charges against your, then, 36 yr. old boyfriend, who had sexual relations with you when you were 14 years old! Now, that is definitely illegal and against the rules. It's my understanding that Mark pleaded guilty to sex crimes, and is on the state and federal sex offender lists, and that he was foolish enough to wear a disguise to his state sex offender photo shoot. I think it was on TV. What an idiot! He got another 10 years on the sex offender list added to his first 10 as a result of this incident. I recall hearing you were sent to a school in another state because Mark was still stalking you when you were only 15, and he was 37! Talk about a creep! I heard he managed to sneak communications to you through a friend, using her name, even after being convicted in court! Wow! What a guy! I'm going to check the National Sex Offender List, and see if I find anything under the names Mark Perk, Mark Perkovich or Mark Hawk since he uses aliases to try to confuse the police. He sounds like the real looser in this scenario!
Your husband was taken to court and found guilty and has been bitter and vengeful ever since, which is about 12 years ago. I feel very sorry for the two of you that you cannot find peace in your lives and hope that someday you will. As I have said, I know your mother and know that she has been trying desperately to get messages through to you to tell you her wish to reconcile and work on a loving relationship. For reasons unknown, you don’t respond. Maybe this is not Kris writing, but really Mark.
I have never responded to a “blog” and maybe never will again, but when I was told of this injustice I had to offer the other side of the story. I just hope that the people out there who read these comments that are posted on the Internet are intelligent enough to know that they can’t believe everything they read. There are a lot of people out there using these networks for purposes not meant to happen, such as harassment.
Peace be with you, Kris
Oh, and by the way, Kris, no, your mother is not deaf, dumb, or blind. She has her Doctorate and is very competent in her field and her personal life.

"So now the problem isn't Gary's sense of inadequacy or his addiction to blame or his yelling or his abusiveness; it's Estelle's judgmental tone of voice. With this crucial shift in perspective introduced by the therapist, Estelle rehearsed her new approach. Gary responded positively to her efforts, while the therapist was there to contain his emotional reactivity. At home, of course, it was another matter.

In a less reactive relationship, the therapist's advice wouldn't be so bad. If Gary could regulate his emotions and sense of entitlement, he might have appreciated Estelle's efforts to consider him in the way she phrased her requests; perhaps he would have become more empathic in response. But in the day-to-day reality of their walking-on-eggshells relationship, Gary felt guilty when Estelle made greater efforts to appease him. Without self-regulation skill, he blamed his guilt on her -- she wasn't doing it right, her "I-statements" had an underlying accusatory tone, she was trying to make him look bad, etc."

My wife would also feel guilty (I suspect shame is a better word) in such a scenario, I suspect. My solution was to drop pressuring her to go to marriage counseling and to focus on myself and my own communication skills. I have learned a few important things over the past year. I truly CAN interact with my wife in such a way that her own tendency to blame me for her negative feelings isn't getting triggered on a daily basis. I have also learned to validate her feelings, to the point where she now (almost) trusts me enough to communicate these feelings to me (in the past she would simply retreat into stormy silences for days). I also feel a great deal of compassion for what appears to be a massive amount of shame that she experiences.

This is not to say that I think her emotions are my fault. I simply recognized that, if my goal was to reduce the chaos in our marriage, then I could change the one thing I had any control over: myself.

I suspect you agree with this, since you speak a lot about the value of cultivating compassion as a means to increase the odds that your partner will reciprocate positively. I just wanted to emphasize that I do think there is value in focusing on our OWN behavior when we are unhappy with our partner's behavior, as long as that focus is not self-judging, and, agreed, as long as that focus is not in the context of marriage counseling. Finally, I agree that developing such skills requires a parallel focus on cultivating empathy and compassion, without which the communication techniques will sound artificial and we'll be walking on eggshells.

We are divorced but things got so bad that we had to go to family therapy, which did, in fact, make things worse in ways described by Dr. Stosny. The therapist did appear to side with my abusive ex-husband against both me and our son. It was disastrous. She urged him to "take control" -- one of the worst things she could have done.

She told me I should just simply listen to him when he screamed and ranted at me over the phone and say, "I hear you." My own therapist told me just to say, "I'll talk to you when you calm down" and then say goodbye. That is more appropriate. Also, the family therapist told me that when my ex called up screaming at anyone who would answer, I should immediately grab the phone and go and talk to him behind closed doors so our son didn't know about it. If our son was able to answer the phone, my ex would scream at him. This was supposedly my fault. I was supposed to prevent it.

Finally, the therapist stopped the therapy because it wasn't doing anybody any good. Ya think?

We are divorced but things got so bad that we had to go to family therapy, which did, in fact, make things worse in ways described by Dr. Stosny. The therapist did appear to side with my abusive ex-husband against both me and our son. It was disastrous. She urged him to "take control" -- one of the worst things she could have done.

She told me I should just simply listen to him when he screamed and ranted at me over the phone and say, "I hear you." My own therapist told me just to say, "I'll talk to you when you calm down" and then say goodbye. That is more appropriate. Also, the family therapist told me that when my ex called up screaming at anyone who would answer, I should immediately grab the phone and go and talk to him behind closed doors so our son didn't know about it. If our son was able to answer the phone, my ex would scream at him. This was supposedly my fault. I was supposed to prevent it.

Finally, the therapist stopped the therapy because it wasn't doing anybody any good. Ya think?

I have recently accepted the fact that I've been in an emotionally abusive marriage for 25 years. I've been told I'm the one that needs to work on the marriage - even though for years I've asked about getting help for our marriage. I'm now at the point I'm not so sure I want to work it out, after all, "it's up to her" and "I've done all I can". I'm tired of cleaning up the messes, tired of the yelling and profanities. Would it be so bad for me to say enough is enough and leave? Where does one draw that line?

Unless your partner shows an immediate change, which is highly unlikely, the most compassionate thing you can for both of you is to leave. By suffering abuse, you are not only hurting yourself, you're allowing him to continue his self-destructive behavior.

It is surprising that so many people are not even aware that they are being emotionally abused in their relationship. It is important to help people to learn to recognize different forms of emotional abuse. Emotional abusers are often also narcissistic. Here is a story of a woman who experienced emotional abuse in her relationship. This story seems to include some of the red flags and warning signs of emotional abuse in a relationship: http://www.peertopeersupport.com/stories/70-how-to-recognize-a-narcissist-warning-signs-of...

Do you think a narcissist can be considered to be also an emotional abuser, but an emotional abuser is not necessarily narcissistic?

This is an impressive collection of articles and resources. Your blog is top notch and I am glad I've found it. There are so many hidden feelings and emotions and problems in relationships that people hardly recognize what a good one is anymore and that is very sad. I'd like to see people start realizing when things aren't right instead of being in the dark and this blog can help others do that.

That therapist's actions are inappropriate for ANY couple coming in. She leapt to a cause (wife's judging tone), before exploring the two people's FEELINGS AND PERCEPTIONS in the exchange. This therapist would be terrible for any relationship, and her advice was terrible. IF and only IF she happened to hit the problem accurately by accident, then she'd be effective.

So 1) What do you mean by angry? And read between the lines if the wife isn't safe & comfortable fully describing the threats.

2) To husband, how do you feel when judged? He may be using the word judged to mean he feels "his authority was challenged" or some other thing that isn't what you feel when judged and means something else is the core of his concerns.

3) What have you tried for this before?

4) What does it feel and look like when you are judged by others outside the relationship (narrow down context for the problem, and know that if it's in the relationship that can mean it's the wife doing it OR IT MEANS it's "relationships" that do it for him.