The subtlety of need is such that I can hardly be bothered to discern it. I despise compromise. Integrity is all there is. It’s a treasure buried under a mountain of conformity, an accretion of a lifetime of compromise. Being who I’m not has not gotten me any closer to what I need. I don’t care what the world wants of me. It doesn’t know me or care about me. That is true, and that’s all. Only the individual can care, and it can only care about itself and other individuals. It’s the only way for the world to be understood, the only way to unearth the treasure, expose the light of our selves. To find it is to share it; to share it is to satisfy our need. To understand, to love.

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Getting to know love and appreciate oneself requires aloneness. Aloneness is easy. One’s toleration of it is gauge of one’s comfort with oneself. Some of us possess this comfort jealously, to the exclusion of others. Others may learn, in their solitude, to hate themselves the more, and consider it a favor bestowed upon the world to not project themselves upon it. That is a recluse. That is not me. What I am I want others to know. I can only share that about myself with which I have come to terms–that I accept in its imperfectness without judgement. I am alone, and I might be alone for some time yet–I am still judging myself and finding myself wanting–but I am not hiding.

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Is all of the love one seeks love for oneself? Is the end of seeking it from another the end of the search? We end the search when we’ve found it or have given up hope of finding it. In between is the torture. Some of us are more ready than others to give up the torture. Some of us have done enough searching to conclude that the point of diminishing returns is long past and cannot possibly be redeemed. At least it’s something final to believe, one less thing to bother with. But that no one can complete us is no good reason to accept aloneness. “Complete” or not, we are not meant to be alone, but to share ourselves, and to partake of others’ sharing. Searching is trying to share. Not-finding is not-sharing, but keeping is not completing. It’s giving up.