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09/24/2009

I have been thinking about this for the last week or so, after my brother made a comment that I need to post happier thoughts. He may be partly right, but as every one knows life is not a bowl of chocolates, more like a hand full of roses. Roses look and smell good but they got those thorns that can cut you if you are not careful.

I will be the first one to admit that there are those that are in a worse position then myself, have more emotional/mental issues or more physical pain then I. But then that is a matter of perception. Some of those that I may consider to be in worse shape then I am, may or may not perceive it the same way.

Same as some may perceive I post what I post because I want to complain and cry over my troubles and want everyone to know about them and their pity. While others may perceive it as a courageous thing to do, airing one’s most private fears and troubles. Or perhaps it is simply my way of working through things. But it all boils down to how one perceives what they see.

My therapist suggested that I keep a journal or a log of my thoughts and how I feel. The purpose is to try and pin point things that cause certain feelings and reactions and how I myself perceive my world. She left how I would do it up to me. In a not so long ago the only choice would have been pen and paper, now there are blogs. And sense I am a creature of technology as some one pointed out to me and my hand writing and spelling (and as one friend can testify to my spelling sucks LOL) have a great deal to be desired, a blog is a nature choice for me. It is not for every one, it is neither right or wrong.

Now I admit that I could password protect this blog, keep it hidden and tucked away out of sight. In all honesty that thought at first was my plan, but as I was setting things up the thought also popped into my head that if others happen to read this blog and other like it, and they have some or even different issues they will realize there are others out there in the same boat. And there is help out there.

I do not have a clue if there is a ‘cure’ for all that is going on inside of me, or physically. I am taking medication to help with pain and other issues, and they do help. At the very least I am not sitting alone at night with a knife poised to slash my wrest any more, though the thought does cross ones mind. But for me at least, because I do have problems vocalizing my inner feelings and thoughts to others it is simpler and easier to do so in this medium. Plus my therapist can check up on me from time to time as I do not see her every day or week.

So yes there will be posts that are not pleasant to read and some that are. It is up to who ever is viewing the post if they want to read it and read of my inner world or not. If you do read it, thank you for the understanding and please realize I mean no offense to anyone. Including my brother, friends and family. If I do, well guess there is nothing I can do to mend or change that though it will cause a guilt tail spin at times.

Which for a week or so is what was going on in my head about my brothers comment of my posts, and a couple of other things. I never asked to be who I am, nor did I ask for all the things I have witnessed and have had happen to me. But if I can’t get it out I will surely at some point get to the point of having enough of the pain and put an end to it all. I do work hard every day, to get out of bed and get through a day. To try and control the thoughts of guilt, sorrow and other thoughts that constantly flow through my head. As well going to bed every night and reliving watching pilots die, and at least in my dreams hear their screams in my head.

It is not in my nature to give up, the Marine Corps took care of that. So this is one way of fighting back, pushing forward and continuing on. The same goes for my photography and writing of short stories.