(fyi - I missed the first 1/2 hour since it was dinner time for Brian and I. I'm coming into this right after Vienna's visit with Jake's family).

First of all, how much do you love Jake's mom? I love the fact she asked Tenley how she handles conflict, mainly in order to keep the peace between her daughters-in-law. What a thoughtful Mom-ish comment; you know she prides herself as the mother of these three boys. I can only imagine all of the toads the Pavelka brothers snuck in the home and all of the lamps/walls/breakable objects they destroyed during their childhood. Ah, testosterone.

And also, we're only 30 minutes in, but did anyone notice how the typical gauzy 'Bachelor' filming seemed a bit too real, a bit too awkward during Vienna's visit? We're talking about some long pauses here. Usually there is some careful editing that allows for graceful transitions. I know that USWeekly has been on Vienna's case for weeks, but it seems like they were definitely tipped off by Bachelor staffers. I mean, this is the worst display of editing of each final girl (Tenley = all good, Vienna = all bad) that I've ever seen on this show.

I think Jake said it best: "I feel like I'm trying to talk people into liking Vienna." Um, Jake, you don't feel like this...you are doing this. You are talking people into her. And the whole part of the sisters-in-law warming up to her? I don't buy it. Heart of gold? More like a heart of blue cheese...and celery...and a side of potato skins.

And now Sallie is changing her mind? Wait...what? How? Why? I think Sallie is realizing that Jake is way into Vienna (read: he likes her boobs) and she is just conceding at this point. No, Sallie, stay strong! Vienna is totally going to ruin your Christmas. She's going to drink too much spiked egg nog and accidentally knock over the tree...right before hits on one of your married sons. And remember, I wasn't really anti-Vienna before all of this, but wow. The scene with his family was not at all flattering for her.

*****

Oh wow. This is painful to watch. the whole mud scene? Did ABC just digitally add to Vienna's bathing suit? I think they did.

And yes folks, I think we now know why Jake has been single for 32 years: because of his interest in Vienna. As I pointed out to many clients in therapy who bemoaned their current single status, sometimes it is not about the selection, but about the selector. Tough medicine, I know. But if you keep picking the wrong people, you will continue to get the same results. I bet that Jake has consistently dated the Girl that No One Else Liked. And consistent with his White Knight complex, he clearly thinks he can save them and make the rest of the world love them, too. Jake, honey...the stove is hot. Stop touching it.

If Jake picks Vienna - and I think he does - he clearly the most sexually repressed bachelor that has been on this show. His comment about "I really hope my physical attraction to Vienna isn't clouding my judgment" is so sad. Earth to Jake! It already has! She is in the final two! Aside from being drawn to her body like a trucker to a roadside Hooters, what really do these two have in common? Your love of living on the panhandle of Florida? Bad hair extensions? Ab workouts?

Poor Jake. I really think on a certain level, he really like Vienna. He can be a rowdy, rough guy with her. But then the rest of the world interferes and offers their own opinions, and I think Jake is very taken by this and the second-guessing really starts. And he feels that if the world doesn't like her, and she is a reflection of him (which in a sense, your spouse is a reflection of you as a person, since it is the most personal decision you can make in your lifetime), what does that say about him? He is a trashy Hooters waitress with a penchant for speaking badly of others? Yikes.

(Mom, please stop reading here. Thanks.)

And, as Brian pointed out, the 'bermuda triangle' has felled better men than Jake. Brian even made plane crashing noise, complete with hand gestures. Erererere....boom! Vienna, "Come back to my room for dessert?" Oh, is that what the kids are calling it these days? ABC, for shame!

*****Oh no, Jake just told Tenley that he feels like they don't have enough physical (sexual? I'm still a little confused) chemistry. Per Jake, 'physical chemistry' is that 'crazy passionate feeling of being crazy in love.' Again, I hate to break it to Jake, but we in the profession commonly refer to this as 'lust.' And lust fades. Quickly. In fact, most professionals would recommend that you NEVER make lifetime decisions while in the initial throes of a new relationship since your brain is not working correctly...neurotransmitters (one of them is called PEP, ironically. So we 'PEP' each other) are revving at all time highs (in an effort to get you to procreate, thus continuing the species) and you are literally living in a high-like state, similar to what you would get from a street drug. (this is also why *shockingly* one out of fourteen Bachelors have gotten married. One. Out of fourteen. Those are some pretty poor stats. I guess after the camera crews leave, you are forced to vacate your exotic local and return to your daily existence, the relationship loses a little bit of its luster.)

*****

(argh, it's 9:15pm. Just about halfway through. Am tired. Need M&Ms.)

*****

Aw, poor Tenley. She just seems so sincere and sweet. I don't know if she is right for Jake, but I wonder if she baby-sits? I bet Scotty would love her. She is just so darn cheerful. I bet she's great with babies. I wonder what she charges per hour?

*****

OMG NEIL LANE?????

Wow, who knew? Part jeweler, part therapist...you go, Neil Lane.

*****And...it's over. Jake just broke the news to Tenley.

Aw, poor Tenley. She really did seem surprised that he did not pick her, in her pretty champagne colored dress and carefully coiffed tresses. And as Brian pointed out, it's probably not a good idea to film this kind of rejection on a bridge since, well, you never know how the contestant is going to react. Vienna would have jumped.

Thankfully, Tenley seems to have it all together and even thanked Jake for the opportunity to 'love again.' Aw. (why do I keep saying 'aw' in reference to her? She's like a small, cute little rabbit of a person. Aww....) I'm sure Tenley will go home and write in her gratitude journal, drink a little caffeine-free herbal tea, and do some yoga on the beach. She's going to be just fine, folks.

*****

And now...Vienna.

Whoa, this is like the most wooden proposal ever. They look like cardboard cut-outs reciting lines.

OH WAIT! It's Jeffery Osbourne! Yes! Video montage! Set to music!

Must stop typing...laughing...too hard...

Brian: "I wish I had something to bludgeon myself with right now."

Kim: "...on the wings of - oh crap, we're going to wake up the baby! Shh!"

******

Oh, Jake. Silly, silly Jake. Well, I think we all know where this one is going. They will last for approximately 4-6 weeks (just enough time for that PEP to recede in their brains) and then Vienna will likely sell her ring on Craiglist and cheat on Jake with a Backstreet Boy. Jake will bemoan the fact that he is still single yet cannot figure out why.

::sigh::

Okay, off to watch 'After the Final Rose.' Thoughts? Comments? Was this episode everything you thought it was?

Ok...so the whole time I was watching I was thinking my goodness Kim is like Kreskin...everything you wrote in your post about why Jake likes Vienna and won't pick Tenley was so spot on!!

I agree that they won't last...and I definitely don't think Vienna's going to fit into the Pavelka family...although funniest line of the night was when blonde sister-in-law asks, since Vienna is so overly honest, if she is pretty and Vienna says yes. Then she asks if the outfit she's wearing makes her look fat and Vienna says "kind of" ...I laughed my ass off!

SO...did you hear that Jake will be on the new season of Dancing with the Stars?? My prediction is he leaves Vienna for one of the scantily-clad dancing divas! ;)

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Think of this as the epilogue to Bridget Jones' story. Well, mostly. Bridget marries the handsome lawyer, starts a blog while on bedrest, and decides marathon running sounds like fun. Hilarity ensues.