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May 2012

5Jun

Dear Answers From Men,

Please explain to me why all these idiots are upset that the price of their new Facebook stock continues to drop? Did these people honestly think buying FB stock in 2012 was going to make them a billionaire like Mark Zuckerberg and his buddies? Does anyone even know how FB is going to generate revenue as a publicly traded company?

Winston; Baton Rouge, Louisiana

Winston, these people are surprised that their stock is dropping because they are idiots like you said. All you need is a basic understanding of stock to comprehend why Facebook stock is falling. Zuckerberg and his friends got rich because they bought stock in their own company when it was new to the public and still at the college level. Once Facebook became used across different nations and inundated into the fabric of popular culture worldwide, then the stock could do nothing but fall. Once the company has reached the top of its earning potential, then it will start to lose money and so will its investors.

Dear Answers From Men,

Please settle this debate between my buddies and me. What’s better, yoga pants, summer dresses, or swimsuits? All three are wonderful inventions, but I keep trying to tell them that summer dresses are the best (unless you’re on South Beach, then obviously its swim suits). Thanks!

Tristan; Annapolis, Maryland

Yoga pants are a gift from God. Women wear these things anywhere and they almost never have on undies. You can see every contour of their beautiful bodies in those tight stretchy pants, and they are versatile too. Women wear them to work out, to the grocery store, and even around the house. Swimsuits are even better in the pantheon of women’s wear. There is very little left to the imagination and since men are visual, there is no season better than summer and nothing better than a nice thong. Nothing except a nice sundress. Sundresses are very special. They are form-fitting and yet giving. They cling to curves while allowing the body parts, specifically the breasts and butts to roam free just below the surface of the dress. Summer dresses, or sun dresses as they are called, bring femininity, sexiness, and a little mystery to ladies and they are by far the best of the three.

Dear Answers From Men,

Lebron James won his third MVP award earlier this month, and still has zero rings. It seems certain that Miami won’t win a title this year without Chris Bosh, so James will be the 1st person ever to have 3 MVPs and no championships. Considering his greatness, he has an outside chance to break nearly every important NBA record. If he finishes his career without any jewelry would he be considered the most overrated athlete of all time?

Elliott; Toledo, Ohio

LeBron James does not need to finish his basketball career without a ring to be the most overrated basketball athlete of all time, he simply needs to finish this year without a NBA title. James is in the distinct position of being the best athlete in the history of the NBA (and possibly the best in the history of sports) that does not have any great achievements in the playoffs of his sport. I would say that if LeBron does not win at least 2-3 championships in the course of his career he would probably be considered a colossal failure in comparison to his level of physical ability. Even if he wins his first championship this year but Dwayne Wade wins the NBA Finals MVP, then this ring won’t even count towards his legacy. LeBron has been spectacularly bad in the NBA Playoffs and he has to perform at the highest level on the biggest stage to resurrect his claim to greatness. Theoretically, there are some guys that would be worse examples of underachievement than him if he only wins 1 championship in his sport though. There are a host of great players and former MVP’s that did not win a ring in the 1990′s and 2000′s, like Malone, Barkley, Iverson, Dwight Howard, and Nash, the only two-time MVP. But if LeBron James, the best basketball player in the world, does not win at least one NBA title, then he would be the most overrated athlete in the history of competitive sports. Every top athlete in his sport has won at least ring whether it be Gretzky, Messier, Jordan, Wilt, A-Rod, Tiger, Brady, or Joe Montana. LeBron James has to win it all in order to live up to the expectations placed on him.

Dear Answers From Men,

I’m still in high school, but I’m kinda embarrassed to admit that I’ve never had a girlfriend or a real kiss before. I have a date this weekend, and I’m really nervous about things. Should I really close my eyes if we kiss? I see people do that all the time, but I think I need to see what I’m doing since I’ve never done it before. Please help!

Vinh; San Diego, California

Vinh, don’t be nervous. Kissing a girl for the first time seems like it would be incredibly awkward, but it is going to be the most natural thing that you have other done. The girl is likely more nervous than you are about the date, because women are notoriously more insecure than men about the smaller things. Make sure to keep your eyes open until your lips actually make contact with hers. Nothing will ruin the moment more than open-mouth kissing her nose or head-butting her in the eye socket accidentally. When your lips touch, close your eyes and enjoy the afterglow.