Sunday, July 18, 2010

I Have The Most Wonderful Life

No, really, I do. I wouldn't call it perfect, but I would say that I am very happy in my life now. I have friends I love, two beautiful girls, and a husband, who while annoys me, is someone I would call my own personal Edward Cullen. My Edward doesn't sparkle, is 34 in December, and happens to not be a vampire. Plus, he prefers Honda to Volvo.

It wasn't always like this. I've been having nightmares about my ex lately. I know it's because of his birthday that just past. It normally passes and I don't even think of it, but a good friend had a baby the other day, and when she came close to giving birth on that date, it reminded me. Then the dreams came back. The ones that are so realistic, you wake up still feeling the phantom pains of where he would kick me while I was on the ground.

Once I start remembering that, I start remembering the rest. The bad from him, from my parents, from foster care. I remember being raped at 15, multiple times by the same person, because my house moms didn't care. They said I asked for it. I remember starting to believe it was my fault and holding that in for years. I remember being beaten and put down as a child. I remember being told I would never amount to anything. I remember being treated like scum of the earth, for no reason more than because I was in foster care, through no fault of my own. I remember being hurt over and over and over again. I remember having that positive pregnancy test in October 2007, and how the only person who cared about what happened was my wonderful husband. He still remembers, he doesn't forget. I would never compare it to the loss of others, of friends, but it did hurt.

I wake up sick to my stomach and spend the day feeling the same. My friends, though we mostly talk online, without knowing it, help me feel better again. Help me laugh. Realizing how wonderful my life is now does too. Don't get me wrong, my wonderful life sometimes leaves me throwing cheeseburgers at the wall, but I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I will NOT use my past as a excuse to be horrible to ruin my present as others before me have done. I will use it as a stepping stone, not a crutch. Because I am better than that. My past is not an excuse to play the victim. It's a reason to be strong.