Clint Hurdle

November 11, 2008. Strong rumor has it that the Rockies have traded flawed superstar outfielder Matt Holliday to the Oakland Athletics for what amounts to the proverbial bag of beans. As you may recall, another genius predecessor of “Dealin'” Dan O’Dowd, a certain Jack, traded a prized cow (no word on the bovine’s range in left field) for a bag of beans that turned out to be magic and grew into a huge beanstalk, enabling Jack to embark on a life of crime, which in some way involved Oakland’s cross-bay rivals, the Giants.

No such luck in this case, as the Rockies got three young players of dubious talent, according to the “Official” Colorado Rockies web site:

Current Rockies players couldn’t even wait until Holliday was out the door before trashing him:

Todd “Gramps” Helton: “How we’ll replace Matt, who is a great guy on a team and a good guy in the clubhouse, I have no idea.“

Troy “Turaluralura” Tulowitzky: “We are going to miss him because he is a great person, a great friend and a great player.“

Ryan “Rye Bread” Spilborghs: “Matt, in my opinion, is the best all-around left fielder in baseball — I can’t think of a better hitter and outfielder.“

The Rockies’ Owners, the unemployed former slaughterhouse operators Mel and Fred Monfort claimed they couldn’t afford Holliday because the franchise wasn’t making any money the last few years after paying the Monforts a billion dollars each as co-chairmen/presidents/poohbahs.

The Monforts, under the promise of anonymity, also verified rumors that they would be dumping the salaries of Atkins and Taveras and replacing them with low paid players currently on the Colorado roster or discarded by other teams. They guaranteed when the 2009 season begins, they would put 9 uniformed players on the field for every single game. After all, they said, after the opening day series with the World Champion Philadelphia Phillies, we will already have made a profit for the year because of the sweetheart stadium deal the citizens of Denver have given us. Suckers! Oh, did I say that out loud?