Awareness is the cure

While positive self-views are generally considered healthy, adaptive, and attractive, OVERLY positive self-views often have social costs. For example, when I asked my friend’s boyfriend if his classes this semester were challenging, he responded as follows: “I’ve done better than EVERY OTHER student in EVERY SINGLE grad class that I’ve taken. I certainly don’t except my classes this semester to be a problem.” If you’re like me, this statement made you shudder. The sense of superiority and the overt “bragginess” screams creep. Again, if you’re like me, you aren’t surprised that I was less interested in a friendship with him the second he uttered the statement, and that when this statement was followed by similar statements later on, my friend quickly ended the relationship. Although I’m certainly not qualified to diagnose my friend’s boyfriend with any disorder, or to label him as a particular type of person, this attitude of superiority is consistent with narcissism, colloquially defined as an inflated sense of self-importance, egotism, vanity, and selfishness.

As this example demonstrates, there is often a large disconnect between narcissists’ self-perceptions (e.g. how positively he sees himself) and others’ perceptions of him (how positively his friends, coworkers, classmates, and acquaintances sees him). Interestingly, narcissists often create positive first impressions – they are initially rated as charming, likable, extroverted, and physically attractive (e.g. Back, Egloff, & Schmukle, 2010). However, over time these impressions sour, with others progressively seeing them as disagreeable, emotionally unstable, and poorly adjusted (like my example above). Despite the deterioration of their reputation, narcissists often continue to see themselves in overly positive ways. This begs the question – are narcissists self aware? More precisely: do narcissists know that others don’t see them in such a positive light? Are they aware of their own negative characteristics? DO THEY KNOW THEY’RE NARCISSISTS?

These questions were formally examined by Erika Carlson and colleagues (2011) at Washington University in St. Louis. Carlson formally contrasted two different perspectives on narcissism. The Narcissistic Ignorance View argues that narcissists lack insight about their own personality and aren’t aware how others see them. This is the dominant view of narcissism. Alternatively, the Narcissistic Awareness View argues that narcissists do have insight about their own personality and are aware that others see them less positively than they see themselves.

To determine which view is more accurate, Carlson conducted three studies that each followed a basic structure. To start with, participants completed scales or interviews that determined their level of narcissism. Then, participants completed two sets of ratings. First participants rated themselves on a variety of personality dimensions (e.g. rate your agreement with the following statement: I’m ingenious, a deep thinker). These are called the participants’ self-perceptions. Next, participants rated how they thought others saw them on those same personality dimensions (e.g. how would your coworker rate you on the following statement: He is ingenious, a deep thinker). These are the participants’ meta-perceptions (i.e. how they think others see them). Finally, that other person (e.g. the coworker) then rated the participant on those same personality dimensions (e.g. how would you rate your coworker (the participant in this study) on the following statement: He is ingenious, a deep thinker). These are called the other-perceptions.

So Carlson thus compared participants’ self-perceptions, meta-perceptions, and other-perceptions. If the Narcissistic Ignorance View was accurate, narcissists would have very positive self-perceptions and similarly, very positive meta-perceptions. They would think that others see them just as positively as they see themselves. If the Narcissistic Awareness View was accurate then narcissist would have very positive self-perceptions, but would have less positive meta-perceptions. They would see themselves very positively, but recognize that others don’t see them in such a positive light.

Using this basic design, Carlson in fact found support for the Narcissistic Awareness View across all three studies. Here are the results:

Consistent with prior studies:

Narcissists saw themselves very positively (positive self-perceptions)
Narcissists saw themselves more positively than other people saw them, whether the other person was an acquaintance, a close friend, a classmate, or a coworker (more positive self-perceptions than other-perceptions)
As in prior studies, others saw narcissists less and less positively as they got to know them more over time (deteriorating other perceptions)
New to this study, Carlson also found:

Narcissists rated themselves more positively than they believed others would rate them (self-perceptions more positive than meta-perceptions)
Narcissists were aware that others see them more positively initially and then like them less over time (deteriorating meta-perceptions just like other-perceptions)
Narcissists rated themselves somewhat higher on negative qualities that are associated with narcissism (e.g. conceited). That is, narcissists were somewhat aware of their narcissistic traits
Given that the Narcissistic Ignorance View (which again holds that narcissists lack self-awareness) was the prevailing view of narcissism, these results are pretty extraordinary. Even more extraordinary when you consider the fact that although narcissists know that others don’t think they’re so great, they maintain their overly positive self-views anyway. How exactly do narcissists maintain such positive self-views despite others’ dislike of them? Carlson proposed a few interesting ideas. First, narcissists might believe others are just too stupid to see how amazing they truly are, or they may believe others’ negative views are simply the result of jealousy. It might also be the case that narcissists, aware of their deteriorating reputation, cut off long-term friendships and instead, maintain a flow of new acquaintances that see them as the charming and likable person they believe they are. The process by which narcissists retain their positive self-views remains an interesting and important question future work should address. Nonetheless, Carlson’s results are an important, and to me, quite interesting contribution.

“Everyone lies”, “nobody is perfect”, “everyone makes mistakes”… These are common refrains of the narcissistic psychopath.

So how does one counter these seemingly true statements—or more accurately, excuses—for their behavior and lies?

I have been thinking a lot about this recently. Why are the lies of psychopaths so much more harmful, frustrating, and damaging than the lies that come from others in our lives?It all comes down to motivation. Lets consider why children lie. Children generally lie with the motivation of not wanting to disappoint a parent or grownup they have respect for. For children and most normal adults, lies are motivated by wanting to avoid a consequence of an indiscretion, usually from a temporary lapse in judgment or moment of weakness. The motivation for the lie is to avoid hurting someone they truly care about. In these cases, people lie because they have feelings.

But psychopaths lie because they lack feelings.

Psychopathic lies are motivated entirely by a desire to manipulate and confuse. They lie out of a lack of respect for their victim’s feelings and intelligence. What makes the lies of a psychopath so confounding is the simple, yet complicated way in which they are constantly intertwining grains of truth with their lies—how they seamlessly float from a lie to a truth. They are constantly assessing what will or will not give them the desired result in each and every interaction.

In any given situation, if the truth will garner them the pity they are looking for, the truth is what you will get. If a lie suits their purpose at the time, a lie is what you will get. This leaves their victims in a constant state of confusion. Always having to read between the lines. Every conversation or communication requires heightened awareness and hyper-vigilance on the part of the victim. Having a simple conversation with someone shouldn’t be this exhausting.

And then, we come the worst lie all—the mother load of lies: the lie that has no purpose, no motivation at all, nothing to be had nor gained from it. A lie where the truth would have been far more profitable. Lying for the sake of lying is the most damaging type of lie. It’s these smallest of lies that have the biggest impact. Why is it that these lies about the most mundane and unimportant things are the ones most likely to make our heads explode? The answer is simple. They are the most disrespectful kind of lie. It’s the psychopath’s way of saying, right to your face: “You are a fool, and because you are fool, I deserve better than you, I am better than you.” It’s the psychopath’s way of reminding themselves: ”I can lie to you at will, I get away with it, you are under my control”.

No, my friends, not all lies are created equal. The lies that come from those who truly love and respect us, from those who truly are just human and not perfect, can be lies that are forgiven. The lies of the psychopath, however, are lies born from their inhumanity and lack of respect for the rest of us mere and imperfect humans.

Want to be embraced by your dysfunctional family and siblings?. Do these things.

I was thinking about being the family scapegoat and outcast, although I outcast myself to escape the toxins. I was thinking about the things I would have to do in order to reconnect and be apart of the lives of my sisters once more without upsetting anyone and making it as peaceful as possible. Here is the list I came up with.

1) Don’t have a better career. (real or perceived)
2) Don’t have nicer things (real or perceived)
3) Don’t have a nicer home (real or perceived)
4) Don’t make healthy habits a priority or weigh less
5) Try to appear less attractive than them (real or perceived)
6) Don’t be more knowledgeable on any subject, EVER (appear not to be anyway)
7)Don’t talk about my kids in a positive light
8)Don’t talk about your great relationship with your kids, in a positive light
9)Find a reason, excuse, or rationalization for having a glass of wine in my hand 24/7. After all being a wino is far more high class drunk than a beer swilling drunk.
10)Do not have self esteem or self confidence and never, ever stick up for yourself. (real or perceived)
11)Never accidentally become the focus of attention
12)Allow them to prattle on endlessly about how great they are, how great their marriage is, how great their children are, how great their lives are. DO NOT disagree, always praise and kiss ass, feed the egos.

No thank you. I am not willing to stop being ME to appease toxic, self centered, narc types. The price of admission is too high. I will NOT lose me to be apart of you. Lastly, it doesn’t really how much you change yourself to stay connected, you will escape being the scapegoat. They simply will not allow it.

Woe to the scapegoat, the whipping boy, the outcast of the toxic and dysfunctional family. This person is made to carry the hidden blame and shame of relatives who refuse to acknowledge their problems.

Dysfunctional families are steeped in shame, and cannot look at their issues. They have poor insight into their own behaviors and problems, and will do anything to appear normal or exceptional, despite the fact that in reality, they are terribly crippled by their fears, addictions, mental disorders, abuse, neglect and insecurities.

While dysfunctional parents dance around the obvious real problems right before their eyes, they play a toxic game with the scapegoated child — the game is called, “You are the reason for anything and everything that is bad or wrong”. The whipping boy cannot escape this role, which is typically assigned in early childhood, long before a child can think objectively about messages given to them.

The rest of the family cannot allow the role of scapegoat to go unfulfilled, because it serves an important purpose — it gives them a place to toss their unwanted psychological garbage. If they did relinquish the need for the role, they would have to face reality — there are problems they have found impossible to accept and address. In time, the role eventually becomes the scapegoat’s internalized false identity – “I am bad, I am wrong, I am the reason people are unhappy, I am worthless, and I am at fault for everything” become the scapegoat’s deeply-held beliefs.

Even if the scapegoat eventually leaves the family, they are usually still considered the cause of all the family’s difficulties, no matter how much time has passed, because the family’s need to place blame and project shame onto another person still exists. Some families may find a new scapegoat or re-assign another family member to the position, however, they typically continue to carry the decades-old disdain and disgust toward the original scapegoat nevertheless. For the ostracized family member, escaping their family’s toxic blame is rare at best.

The role of scapegoat/black sheep/whipping boy/fall guy is a timeless classic that is typical of virtually all dysfunctional families. Parents with addictions and parents with Cluster B personality disorders usually scapegoat at least one child, and sometimes more than one. If your parent scapegoated you, I can offer no better suggestion than to look very closely at the four personality disorders that cause parents to scapegoat their children the most.

Until family scapegoats evolve out of their old patterns of behavior, they often find themselves in similar roles at school and work. Therapy can be tremendously helpful in breaking down the internalized shame, fear and dysfunctional thoughts that scapegoats have been programmed to believe.

You’ve been ruthlessly and callously discarded. You see your ex with the new target. They are parading themselves and their new found “love” all over social media. They are creating quite the image of “happily ever after”. Their FB minions falling over themselves with comments like….”so glad you finally found happiness”, “you are such a lovely couple”, You feel enraged, angry, steaming, depressed, confused. You hate her, you hate him, so many emotions all at once and you can’t make sense of it.

What is the source of all these strong emotions? You ask yourself, am I jealous? Well I am here to tell you, yes you are, but NOT in the way you think you might be. If you can figure out the source of these conflicting emotions, you will take a very large step forward in your healing journey.

I remember going through this. Once I figure it out, I took a huge leap forward in my recovery. I kept asking myself, why the hell am I feeling this way?. Why do I hate her? So I pondered and pondered. I said to myself. Well, I am not jealous of her, I know what is in store for her. Pain, betrayal, and the complete destruction of who she thinks she is. He targeted her because she is weak, has low esteem, no boundaries, desperate and needy. I certainly had no respect for her. I certainly didn’t want that disordered ass clown back in my life. So what is it I am so jealous of? One day, out of no where, it finally occurred to me.

I am not jealous of her, I am jealous him. WHAT!!!!??? I said to myself, jealous of HIM!? Yes, you see. a psychopath is much like a hit and run accident, (except on his part, it was no “accident” he aimed the car right at you). He shows up, runs you over, leaves you paralyzed in street and facing years and years of painful physical therapy to look forward to. Putting your life in a holding pattern until you can fully recover. Meanwhile, the person who ran you over, didn’t even stop or slow down, didn’t care about the injuries they caused, they refuse to admit doing it, they didn’t apologize or take responsibility. In most cases, blamed you for legally crossing the street. They happily drove on and continued unscathed, happily with their lives as if nothing happened. This is what you are jealous of, not her for having him. But him for seemingly “having a life” whilst yours in ruins because of him. He’s running around like the cock of the walk. You are barley functioning, walking around like an empty shelled zombie, just going through the motions of life, trying to turn off the record in your head that plays over and over again. You can’t focus or concentrate on anything. Yes, this is PTSD from the trauma caused by the hit and run of a psychopath.

This is where you must remember to remind yourself. He has not moved on to a wonderful and full life. You see this psychopath keeps driving down the same road, a road with dead ends in both directions. He travels this same road over and over again. Back and forth and back and forth. It never leads him anywhere. The only thing that ever changes are passengers he travels it with. Strewn along either side of road are the many passengers he simply discarded along his way. All the passengers he picked up, threw from car and ran over, on his way to pick up another victim.

Meanwhile, your path has been set back, it maybe painful, long, slow going and wondering: BUT it eventually leads somewhere. Somewhere amazing. The psychopath may have set you back, but you eventually surpass him in a very big way. His life does not run on a continuum, he is forever doomed to travel on a road that leads no where, in both directions.

He eventually passes away. Lonely and having had accomplished nothing of value in his life. He wasted the life he was given. He dies having never truly loved anyone, and never knowing what it is like to be truly loved. Never knowing what it feels like to accept genuine love and caring from others. Never experiencing the joy of knowing what it is like to trust and to be trusted. For the greatest compliment isn’t to be liked, it is to be trusted. Never connecting or bonding to the rest of humanity. So you see, there is absolutely nothing there to be jealous of in regards to your ex psychopath.

The second prong of these feelings toward his newest victim has to do with the statement I made about her earlier. “He targeted her because she is weak, has low esteem, no boundaries, desperate and needy. I certainly have no respect for her.” I hated looking at her, because that, my friends, were all the reasons HE targeted ME. I WAS all those things and didn’t realize it at the time. By looking at who she is NOW, is to look upon who I used to be. To say I have no respect for her because of those things, is to say, I have no respect for the person, the fool, I used to be. And that is a very painful reality to have to face.

Letting go is a gradual process involving many steps. One does not simply wake up one morning and say “today I let go”.

First one has to rid themselves of the denial. This happens has the victims struggle to make of sense of things that don’t make sense to caring, giving people.

The victim then finds resources like this page and devour every piece of education that they can. This leads to a marinating time. It must all sink in. Once the period of cognitive dissonance is over, there is the venting and purging stage. Once again, this is where support pages such as this comes into play. The victim is in need of support and validation.

The victim then finds comfort in helping, propping up and supporting those who may have stumbled in their process.

Every step along the way the Narc intuitively knows each step is leading you further away from their control. He knows you have moved past begging for scraps at his table to, “fuck you, I don’t need shit from you”. So in an effort to continue taking up space in your head, the narc feels the need to convince you that you’re not “moving on”. They understand the fact that you are leaving them behind and disappearing on the horizon. After all, for the narcissists living in the land of cognitive dissonance makes life a lot more comfortable. Don’t fall for their lies. You are moving forward without them.

I wasted too many of my years wanting to believe I could actually role model, mentor, and love that psychopath into actually becoming the person he pretended to be.

You see, that’s the problem with us empaths. There is a part of us that see the mask and we think we can see behind that mask is a person with great potential who is wasting that potenial. We wish to believe that we will some how be that special person who can help them realize that potential. Empaths are healers by nature and psychopaths are broken. We try to fix them with our unconditional love and high tolerance for absorbing their overt and covert abuse. We think by absorbing their abuse we are showing them what unconditional love is and they will appreciate having it for the first time in their lives. But this is malignantly unconditional love, it is not healthy for the empath. Love without boundaries is NOT unconditional love.

The psychopath exploits our propensity to heal and in so doing, they bleed us dry and discard us as empty shells. The psychopath thinks he has won. What he/she doesn’t realize is that this a short lived victory. As the empath eventually emerges stronger and more powerful than before.

We just didn’t know at the time, that what is behind that mask, is nothingness.

In all the jabber about narcissism, the worst noise is this idea that hurting you is something narcissists do by accident.
If you get nothing else out of “What Makes Narcissists Tick,” get the message that frees you of that ridiculous belief. Which is nothing but a baseless assumption.
I don’t ask you to take my word for this. Test what I say when I say that narcissists hurt you on purpose. Anyone can test any narcissist.

Here’s how. The next time the narcissist is hurting your feelings or making you feel low, let your feelings show and tell him or her how they are making you feel asking them to stop it.

Be prepared for a shock. Any normal human being would soften and let up, but a narcissist will do exactly the opposite.
What does that mean?

Is revving up their engines, kicking in the afterburners, and running you right over an “accident” after you show your soft underbelly and beg them to let up on you?

It’s no “accident,” that’s for sure.

Want to see a narcissistic rage? That’s no “accident” either. The test: Just fall to your knees in tears begging them to have a heart and stop kicking you around like dirt.

The narcissist’s response? He or she blows up into a rage. Is that rage an “accident” when nothing but how deeply they are hurting you provokes it?

No, it’s a willful and wanton outrage.

Now hear this: THEY DON’T DO IT BY ACCIDENT. They aren’t just inconsiderate and touchy.

Test their “touchiness” (if you can do so safely, or have somebody not at the N’s mercy test it – someone who can defend themselves). Rage right back in their face. Act just as wild right back in their face. Threaten right back. Speak abusively right back.

Now any normal person would be provoked to rage by your doing this in their face. But narcissists are so UNtouchy that they do the opposite. Watch how instantaneously the raging narcissist becomes meek and mild and switches to his “I-wouldn’t-hurt-a-fly-mask.”

Don’t take my word for it. Test it. You CANNOT insult a narcissist who isn’t in a position to bully you! It’s impossible. Try it, you’ll see. Your lack of vulnerability gives them skin a foot thick! (Not to mention a rubber spine.)

“Touchy” my you-know-what.

They aren’t touchy at all. So perceived slights aren’t what set them off. The VULNERABILITY of a TARGET OF OPPORTUNITY is what sets them off – IF there are no witnesses.

That’s predation, not touchiness.

Narcissists aren’t inconsiderate of your feelings. To the contrary, they are extremely considerate of your feelings. Your feelings are exactly what they are trying to affect. They closely observe how you react every time they do something to hurt you.

And they are like sharks, able to smell a drop of blood a mile away. Why? Because your hurt feelings are their pain killing drug.

They are addicted to it. Ever since childhood.

That’s what their mental illness is, an addiction. (In fact, all addictions are classed as mental illness.)

So where do people get the stupid idea that narcissists aren’t to blame for what they do?

It’s asinine to think that narcissists can’t control themselves when we see them controlling themselves perfectly whenever witnesses are present. So, what? being behind closed doors makes them suddenly out of control of themselves? Baloney.

Their problem isn’t lack of self control; it’s lack of conscience. Conscience is what makes people behave the same in the dark as in the light of day.

Okay, they have an addiction to trampling people. They are hooked on the childish high they get from throwing somebody down, stepping on the victim’s back, and thumping their chest with a Tarzan yell.

But since when does an addiction amount to a carte blanche? An addiction is just a TEMPTATION. It doesn’t remove the addict’s responsibility to resist that temptation.

If a heroin addict sees you with heroin, he will attack and may kill you for it – IF there are no witnesses present.

But do we absolve him of his responsibility for the crime just because he’s addicted to heroin? Of course not.

Same with the narcissist. Since childhood he has done this mind-altering drug of abusing people and is addicted to it. He addicted himself.

Yet addicted as he is, he demonstrates the ability to control himself by behaving whenever witnesses are present, misbehaving only when he thinks he can get away with it.

Innocence that is not.

He does what he does because nothing but getting his drug matters to him. So he has no conscience. He lives to get it, whenever he can get away with it.

So, hurting others isn’t something narcissists do by accident. It’s how they live.

The victims of narcissists must understand this. They must quit falling for the masks predation conceals itself behind.

I don’t care how much the poor, little, ole narcissist whines that he didn’t mean to, and claims that he has an excuse because HIS feelings were somehow hurt, and weeps about what a miserable childhood he had and how sad and forlorn he’ll be if you go away, and all that crap. It’s a joke.

Painful as this is to admit, the victims of narcissists MUST understand it. It’s the bottom line. It predicates your choices.

Upon my return from visiting Holly in Hilton Head I was out for my daily run. Trying to work off the stress and frustration. Still struggling to make sense of what was happening to our family. At the same time my marriage was coming to an end as well. Trying imagine what lies Tami and Jim could have told our father to enrage him to attack me. As I ran past my sister Tina’s house, I decided to stop in for a visit, maybe some support. After all she was there for me on the evening of the attack. In my shock that night, I drove to my older sister’s house and told her..”Dad just attacked me”. As she tried to calm me down, we began to discussed the events in the family and the business that lead up to this. That night would mark the beginning of the end. Those details I will share later.

Well on this day I wasn’t at her home long when my parents drove up. At which point my sister forced me to hide in the back yard. I naively thought it was for my safety considering my father’s threat and recent signs of stress and imbalance. The family business wasn’t doing well, my mother in the throws of dementia or Alzheimer disease, we were not sure at this point. Up until this point I was the only daughter helping out with her. Stopping over to make sure she had bathed and give my father a break. We were all concerned about her condition and didn’t feel like Dad was taking care of her in the way she needed.

As I hid in the back yard, staring at their well groomed gardens and the sparking swimming pool of their sprawling Tudor style home and thinking…how did it come to this? It seemed surreal. I was out there for at least 45 minutes, it didn’t seem they would be leaving anytime soon, I began to cry and just wanted to go home. I slipped through the back yard, keeping my head down, over the neighbor’s fense. I walked home the long way so that my parents would not see me should they happen to leave her home. Often when I was out running I kept an eye on passing cars in the event it could be my father and in fear of him losing his temper at the sight of me, just as it did during my childhood, I feared that he may attempt to hit me with his car in a rage.

As I walked home it occurred to me how unfair this was. If the situation had been reversed, I would stand up to my parents in defense of my sister. I was insulted, hurt, angry and disappointed and devalued.

I called her when I got home to inform her of my feelings. Her only response was….”but they were taking Sammy (her daughter) shopping”. No apology, no remorse. It was at that moment I came to realize she did not ask me to hide for my safety, she didn’t want to miss the opportunity of her daughter having a shopping spree. A shopping spree they could well afford on their own. She didn’t want to risk being disowned by our father as our sister Holly was. I was sold out for nothing more than a shopping spree.

The reality was, she simply did not wish for the gravy train to end.

Narcissists will not miss an opportunity to use their wealth to control and manipulate those around them.

Months after the attack the kids and I drove on vacation to Hilton Head Island to visit Holly (the Golden Child) we were close at the time. We were close in age, our kids close in age. The cousins liked each other and got along. As luck would have it, our parents also had a vacation home in Hilton Head, to my knowledge would not be there at the time of my visit.

(*side note: The narc sister (Tami, sister #2) from the previous post was the “Golden Child Wannabe”. Her desire was to prove to daddy she was the smartest, the most moral, the most loyal, the prettiest, the most talented, the most competent, just the most and the best at anything and everything. A desperate, sick, sad and malignant drive to achieve and acquire daddy’s approval and validation at all cost.)

At this time Holly was employed by our father in somewhat of a personal assistant type role. As you know, narcissist excel at the art of triangulation. Our narcissistic father no different. Often using this technique to fan the flames of sibling rivalry. Creating competition for his approval and attention fed and validated his self perceived grandiosity.

On this day my sister had run to the store for the cookout we were to have later on that evening, the kids happily playing outside, I was in the kitchen casually filing my nails and letting the drama from the previous weeks wash away and fade into a mere memory. Only to look up and see our father peering in the back window, looking straight at me. At this exact moment my sister returns from the store. Our father flew into a narcissistic rage and fired her on the spot. Fired for no other reason than because I was in her home and our kids loved each other and wanted to spend some time together. Her family van was purchased under the company name and considered a company car, he demanded it be returned to him by noon the next day or he would call the authorities. And he did all this in front of his five grandchildren. Holly and I spent the next hour cleaning out her car, driving to the nearest dealership to purchase her and her family a means of transportation. Being the mother of 3 active boys, transportation is must have.

Like a six year old child he basically said to my sister…. “if you are going to be friends with her, then I’m NOT going to be friends with you. Nanner, nanner, poo, poo”. Then stormed off never to be heard from again.

Now he has two daughters who are no longer speaking him and cut himself off from 5 grandchildren as if they meant nothing to him. To a narcissist, everyone is discard-able.