I just realized the last few days literally, how shaky and damaged my own sense of myself is, whatever you want to call it-- self worth, self esteem, self image etc

a couple things that happened over past few days

the other day I wanted to watch a video on animal training-- something that I like because it feels safe, non triggering, i like animals a lot so i was trying to relax and watch some videos...in one video there was an exchange between a man and woman discussing something presumably about training but they kind of seemed like they could be also a couple...the woman was explaining something to the man, and he was just listening and taking in her point, and then she stood up and used her hands for emphasis continuing to emphasize whatefver point she was expressing, and he listened and then shook his head and kind of laughed in agreement, showed that he considered and valued what she had to say....as I'm watching this of course noticed how the two people looked- he happened to be fairly thin and kind of lanky...i started to think how he seemed really nice, gentle and very relatable- interested in what she was explaining, this might be hard for some people to get why but all of a sudden i started to cry, then sobbing then balling my eyes out, and realized that was all i ever wanted from my bf-- to see me as an equal person in our relationship to value and be understanding when i want to express myself-- as time went by in our relationship he would decide what was worth talking about and started directing me to shut up, then stfu, and the shut the f up or ill smack you, etc....i had tried on several times when he was in a 'good mood' to ask him if he could sometimes be willing to at least hear or consider what i have to express-- and he basically just said that if i piss him off he needs to shut it down and i need to stfu....

it became a way of life, like this is just how it is, where if i saw something on tv, or something happened during the day i wanted to share w him more times than not i would get 'stfu' and if i tried to keep talking to him bc it was important or just bc everybody wants and needs to share things w their partner, he would smack me or sometimes would go into him beating me up

i sometimes felt really alone w him for this reason

as i watched the video i saw another video playing in my mind of times i wanted like this woman to simply tell him about something i was wanting to share w him but he would say "that's you know, i don't really wanna hear about that' and then the rest would follow

once at a restaurant a friend of his saw us and walked over and sat down for a short bit to chat.at some point as we were all talking my bf told me 'shut up" i was so humiliated and just stared at my food and could feel the friend looking at me, i was too humiliated to make eye contact w him,...very uncomfortable silence and then he told my bf that wasn't cool, i was holding my breath not sure how he would react but he got all nice and said "yea, oh wow, your right, i just wasn't thinking, sorry" and the friend left....he quickly resumed telling me i need to shut my f***** mouth

as i watched the video i just thought how nice it would've been if i could have shared things in life w him instead of being ordered all the time to shut up, and if i didn't right away shut it down he would do the beat down

about a year ago i started to notice when i talk to other people i have a lot of difficulty in verbally expressing something- i stammer, get tongue tied, feel like a block mentally, lose my train of thought, have to ask them what were we talking about...really frustrating to feel tongue tied, i think it probably has to do with the fact of my mind is used to being shut down whenever i would try to talk
i feel less than other people a lot of t imes,...i don't want to feel that way.,.i hope t his isn't gonna be a lasting effect

I think the best part of what you shared is that you recognize why you're having a hard time expressing yourself to others. It's not inherent to you, you were taught to refrain from sharing.

Your thoughts and your feelings are worthy. You're allowed to share them, have them be heard and acknowledged. You're not stupid or embarrassing, you're not a drain on anyone's resources by sharing your thoughts.

I absolutely agree you have a chance to find your voice again and share your views and opinions. You have a right to express yourself and share how you feel.
We are all entitled to view opinions and expression dont allow that mans treatment of you to deny you a voice anymore.

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"Do not judge me by my successes, judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again." Nelson Mandela.

Who cares what they say about us? Because when I am with you I am standing with an army

I'm sorry that was your experience! I, thankfully, cannot relate. I hope you accept the kind words of the people before me. The truth is, HE WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO BE IN YOUR PRESENCE, not the other way around. Please take the time to tell yourself positive thoughts EVERY DAY! As you are trying to find your voice in public again, try rehearsing thoughts out loud at home. Maybe you can even ask a trusted friend to help you as you are trying to regain your footing. Best of luck to you!

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While Ive not had the same experience with a partner I can certainly see how this would effect you and probably long term.
Do they have any support groups for victims of dv? Where you can go and just TALK?
There must be.
Im so sorry you feel the effects of this experience. I hope for you that you can realize you are WORTH IT. What you talk about is just as important as anything anyone has to say. He just wasnt worth sharing it with.

You really need to talk with a professional about a lot of this stuff. Some of what you're talking about is the result of DV in particular. Some of what you're expressing sounds a bit like PTSD. Dealing with both on your own is incredibly difficult. Dealing with it with a counselor or therapist experienced with DV really maximizes your recovery time.

Generally what happens is you start with a therapist. Once you're ready, you start also attending group where you get to meet other survivors of DV at more advanced stages of recovery from DV and hear their stories, their current struggles, and help each other through current struggles. You get to talk, too, especially about your experiences in public, self esteem issues and the like.

But, first, start with a DV therapist. Start talking. You therapist will help you start talking about it in a way that doesn't bring things up uncontrollably, overwhelmingly. It's a real help.

There is no reason to go through this alone. There is no reason to not seek help. Look, DV is like a broken bone. Some DV is like a simple fracture, and given time, it will heal, more or less, on its own and be functional. Some DV is like a compound fracture and no amount of waiting around for it to get better will allow you to use the affected limb again. Some DV is like a fracture so complex that leaving it alone will kill you. Isolation rarely helps. Staying away from situations that trigger you rarely helps for long. Your life will become more stunted as you avoid everything that possibly triggers you.

Please, please, please reach out to a DV shelter to get the names of therapists. Please, please, please start seeing one so that you can talk, in person, to somebody who can help you with these feelings.

PTO is a wonderful resource, but it is limited, especially in cases where the victim of DV needs to have her wounds assessed and treated by a professional. We are here to help, but we work better when we're an adjunct to therapy.

Here's an idea. It's only for patching up the confidence about speaking.

You could join a Toastmasters group and practice talking to people who are there to listen. It's structured enough to give you things to concentrate on. They're designed to build both skill and confidence.

There's a lot more to do than just that! But it's cheap and may help.

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Trying - I totally endorse 'yourself's' suggestions. You can consider DBT and EMDR therapies, but it's terrifically important to get to a DV shelter where you can get very specialized understanding from their counselors.

Cali has a ton of domestic abuse resources and you are entitled to use every one of them; yes you are! Don't wait because someone else had it worse, nor because you think you can struggle through this yourself, nor because you don't like to have to share personal feelings....there are NO reasons not to go and ask for help.

And while you're here - read this wonderful sticky - because it's what our experiences have been as we came out the other side of abuse, and because it will remind you of the tiny steps you can take to start to get your life back the way it was.

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You'll know you've created God in your own image when He hates all the people you do.