Scottish nutritionist Gillian McKeith is to be reported to the advertising authorities over claims that visitors to her new age health resort can be healed by mystic powers.

The Perth-born health guru has set up a Wellness Retreat in rural Spain, which boasts that its “amazing energy vortex” can help to heal and rejuvenate visitors as well as assist them in losing weight.

Yes – so? Maybe it can. Spain is a mystical kind of place, especially rural Spain, so maybe its energy vortices can do just that.

Promotional material for the venture, on McKeith’s official website, states: “I want you to be able to literally detox from the world in a most glorious location with unsurpassed nurturing mountains, swooning eagles, a magnificent lake, big blue skies and an amazing energy vortex for rejuvenation, weight loss and vitality.

“Feel the vibration of the energy vortex of this spectacular location, and be healed by it! It is a moment that will stay with you forever.”

Swooning eagles! Okay I take it back – swooning eagles are dangerous. Thousands of people die of broken necks every year because eagles swoon on them from a great height. If they’re a feature of the magic energy vortex spa, then the detox comes at too high a price.

Ah but you see it’s the vibration of the energy vortex that makes ’em swoon.

I see that this place is just outside Ronda, where Michelle Obama went a few days ago. Could these facts by any chance be related? I think we should be told. (It is a very pretty area though. I suppose nurturing mountains must be breast-shaped.)

As they say, the only substance removed by detox is the client’s money.

I lived in Sedona once. All the local woomeisters swore the reason there were so many accidents by the post office was because of the terrible evil vortex there. But I have a new theory now: it had to have been swooning eagles. I mean, the drivers were wearing enough protective amulets and crystals and so forth that they couldn’t possibly have been affected by the vortex, but I don’t think they had anything to ward off swooning eagles, and those can definitely cause accidents when they hit your car. Of course, ours would’ve been invisible swooning eagles, since no evidence of eagles were ever found at the accident sites, but everyone knows invisible swooning eagles are the very worst kind.

I’m certain the accidents had nothing to do with the awful blind intersection, and that the fact that accidents decreased in frequency after the intersection was redesigned was strictly coincidental. The invisible swooning eagles probably just all went extinct.

If woo-meisters really believed in this energy, they could simultaneously earn money and do something socially useful by capturing it for sale to the electricity grid. But they don’t because they can’t.

I like to imagine that the “amazing energy vortex” is actually a Large Woo Collider. McKeith is going to fire gullible/desperate people and homeopathic remedies in opposite directions at near the speed of light and observe what happens when they collide. Psychics are predicting that the resulting collision will “generate a lot of money”.