First off I want to start by saying last weekend I drove a tractor. Yup, my first experience driving here was a tractor, some how that doesn't surprise me so much. Pictures will be posted later. Now to my blog.

Its funny how much one little hug can mean and how much feeling can go behind it. I won't take time to explain what it can mean there is so much or so little it can mean and we all know it. Recently I have been thinking about Chicago and everyone back there a lot more then I have before. Even though I am having fun here and people cheer me up when I get alone I always find my thoughts drifting back to home.

(But it feels weird calling it home, sure its where my family and some of my friends are but I never truly felt like I belonged there. Yeah I love Chicago and I will miss it no matter where I go but it never truly felt like where I belonged. Sure I love it here and wouldn't hesitate to make here my home but its missing my loved ones from the US. Anyways that's not really why I wrote this, got off on a tangent there.)

Then I had a dream about saying good bye to my father. Now some of you know I never have known my birth father so obviously I am not talking about him. I am talking about the person who has become my father. And the dream really kind of bothered me and then I was talking to my sister about it and my abandonment issues came out pretty much. I have no problem putting it out there on my blog that I have these issues but good luck getting me to talk about it in real life.

(Funny how I have no problem typing these things out for all of you to read and I know you guys read this but I don't like actually speaking about it. I don't know why but yeah it is what it is.)

Anyway, I totally have abandonment issues, a lot of people I choose to get close to have left me in life. Now some have done it by choice, others have done it because of other circumstances, and some have just lost contact, but no matter the reason they have left. I could go back to my first friend that i made in kindergarten, decided to get in a fist fight with me in 6th grade. One of my bestest friends after that, who I ca﻿lled a brother, took advantage of me and my family, and now we don't talk to each other. You know its easier to count the people who have stuck around then the people who have left. And yeah I should focus on them but it still doesn't hid the fact of how many people have left. How many people who have helped me out and who I have looked up to that have left. And some of these people have left deep wounds and scars. So yeah I am afraid that I am going to be gone for 15 months (yeah June 2014-Sep 2015 is 15 months, sorry I kept saying 14) and that I'm going to come back and find no one has time for me. Yeah I was kind of upset I had a whole month free before I left and a lot of people waited till the last few days to make time to see me before I left. Yes I am also afraid that I am going to love it here and then be torn between where to go. Because part of me is already there. But yeah my sister has told me now and many times before I should talk to my father more about things, but I always worry and give her excuses like, maybe I'm bothering him with little things, or oh he has bigger problems of his own I don't need to worry him, or just in general how silly it is and I don't want to waste his time, but all of it is kind of silly and in general I should just talk more to people about life. I shouldn't worry so much about people leaving because I guess in a way everyone is going to leave eventually (everyone dies is what I mean).

It also kind of bothers me that if I had to pick today I wouldn't leave, but it would bug me terribly because I wouldn't be able to hop on the cta and go visit everyone. But I am happy here the only thing I don't have is all of you here. I wish I could find something like this in the US but for many reason I can't. And one of those reason is because of the people. I love the people I work with here and the friends I have. I don't know I think about these things and worry about them but I really shouldn't I still have 13 more months till I leave (yeah almost at the 2 month mark man time is going) but yet that's where my mind wonders to when I'm alone. I'm not even sure if this makes since to anyone.... it's late here so I think I'm going to post this and then go to bed.

The past week or so was a bit rough, there were somethings that happened that I could have used some of my friends here to hit me upside the head and literally push me in the right direction. I did talk to them over facebook and such but its not the same. I was getting really home sick and missing people a lot this week when I was alone in my room but every time I would leave my room I would forget about it because of the people here. They make me feel welcome and a part of this thing. I even started to realize I have gotten some German equivalents to my friends back in Chicago and such. Like Speedy reminds me a lot of Robert, we drink together and make inappropriate jokes with each other and he laughs at my burps (although Speedy with also burbs with me <3 Robert I know you sometimes do too) and Lydia reminds me a lot of Krista having crazy adventures and lots of fun together, a whole lot of laughs! Joanna reminds me of a mix of Darcy and Karen, we can have fun but also more serious kind. Its not to say that you guys are being replaced I love you all but I need people like you in my life. Of course these people are different too and are there own people they just are similar in personalities.

I have been missing home more recently but its ok, you guys just need to send me letters and pictures so I can hang them on my wall. But know that I have people here that will cheer me up, I just have to leave my room =)

Well it has been an interesting week, I have had a lot of fun and things have been going good. I am happy here although this week I have been a bit homesick, there have been a few occurrences that make me miss my friends. For example I burped the other day sorta by accident I wasn't really thinking, I'm use to just letting it out because my friends don't care, I was with 3 other people and one of the girls was like oh my god Jesse that's not lady like! And I was like Oh I don't care and I'm used to my friends laughing. Then there have been a couple of chances for me to make an inappropriate joke or an innuendo but I didn't because they either wouldn't get it or wouldn't appreciate it.

Then this week I found my computer had a bad virus and then my hard drive got it too, and my hard drive is the hard drive from my old computer because it broke. So I was going through all this old stuff, pictures from school, and parties, and of my friends and family. Videos and music clips of band and Bass clarinet performances, and old school projects. And all of this together just got me really home sick, but even though I miss home a lot right now I don't want to GO home, I still want to stay. I love this place so much that I don't want to leave I just want everyone to come visit me and see how awesome it is. I really hope everything keeps going well. Who knows what the next 13.5 months have in store or where I'll want to be at the end of that but I know where I want to be now and I am there.

So I have been here for over a month now and I love it so much. Also I want to say thank you to all the people who have been on my site, I don't know who you are but since my last blog I have had over 100 different people view my page, you guys are awesome! Just one thing though I love the comments I have gotten don't be afraid to leave more. I don't have much to blog about just a few things.

First I think it is interesting how many people we meet in life and how much we make a difference for them. I know many of you wondered what I was going to be doing when we didn't have camp and I wasn't sure my self but I can tell you during the non-camp weeks we have schools and such come and stay and we do programs with them, circus, nature, climbing and such. Its been kind of cool though because the past couple of weeks I have gotten some really cool classes. Two weeks ago I had a group of older kids who thought I was amazing (rightfully so lol jk) and we had a lot of fun. Then this past week I had a group of maybe 5th graders or so and they enjoyed having me as there teacher and thought I was a lot of fun. Some of them even wanted to take a picture with me and when they were getting ready to leave one of the kids asked if I could come with them. And its sweet knowing that I matter for a little bit in these kids life but then I think I will be forgotten soon and I will never see them again. Its hard in this line of work to be active with the kids and engage them and such and not care about them. But in a way you kind of have to because you only see them for one week in your life and maybe if your lucky you were awesome enough to convince them to come to summer camp then you maybe see them another 2 weeks. But it was the same thing we the Pentecost camp we did, I had a tent of 13 boys and only for one week and I will most likely not see them again and they were awesome kids too. Its interesting to think about the concept of it though, I mean how many of you have touched other people's lives and then have never seen them again or have been moved/touched by someone else who you haven't seen again.

Secondly I have yet to be amazed by the beauty of this place and hope and wish that all of you could see it your self. Pictures don't do it justice there is something captivating about being out in the middle of no where listening to nature. I love just walking around as the sun sets down by the tents when no one is around and all I hear is the sounds of birds and bugs and in the distances a dog barking. To me there is nothing