(Closed) +1 guest

I didn’t give all my guests a plus 1 on their wedding invites, only the bridal party and people in relationships. One of my friends asked if he could bring a date and I feel like a jerk saying no because I could probably accommodate another person. He’s seeing a few women and one happens to be someone that I have had issues with in the past and don’t get along with. I know you can’t control people’s guests but since I didn’t give everyone a +1 to begin with, is there a polite way of finding out who he is bringing so its not someone that would make me uncomfortable? Part of me feels like he would know better but then again you never know. Ultimately, I feel like its my wedding and I should be surrounded with loved ones but then I feel shady at the same time. Advice?

First off, if you let him bring a date then you have to be willing to let all your single guests bring dates as well. If you are ok with that, then I would say to him “you are welcome to bring a date but I would really prefer you not bring so-and-so because of the issues we’ve had in the past.”

we have told plenty of people no to a +1. people who are not exclusive with someone do not need a +1 IMO. one of my FIs best friends asked to bring his new gf (whom we have never met) and we said sorry, but no. i would just tell him that you have a tight budget and a maximum number of people and that you already had to exclude some of your friends/family due to that fact. then i would go on to tell him that you will know more about that number when the RSVPs start coming in. at that time, you can see if you can accomodate his guest. after a while, just tell him that you have your max, and regretfully you cannot have any additional guests.

If I were you, Id say “you know what, we’re trying to keep this to who we invited with the plus ones so it’s a bit more intimate, I feel so bad… who are you seeing right now?” like as if you’re swaying the convo, and if it is that girl you don’t get along with just say “yeah I hate that I can’t give you a plus one, we were actually hoping on some cancellations and stuff too but it looks like a lot can make it,” and sound like you feel very sorry to not be able to accommodate his current flame

I love formal etiquette. It is built up on so many years worth of so many hostess’s dealing with dilemmas, that it contains the solution to most social problems except the ones that hostesses get themselves into by resolutely ignoring it. In your case, you seem still to have etiquette on your side.

Formal good manners require that you not invite anyone you do not know. You are supposed to send individual invitations to adults at their own addresses in their own names. If you follow these rules, then you can indeed control people’s guests — by making them all your guests, as they should be. That means your friend is really just asking you if you will invite his lady, and you are completely within your rights to ask who it is that he wants you to invite, so that you can do so. If it turns is someone out take be someone you don’t know, then that is all the explanation you need for not inviting her. If it is someone you dislike, all you need to say is that you don’t think she would appreciate an invitation from you, and leave it at that. Your friend would be boorish to insist.

Do NOT use budget as an excuse. That just leads to people offering to pay. or suggesting that they take andvantage of thiss or that cancellation since you will have spent that money anyway. Formal etiquette forbids discussing money in social situations, precisely because social events are not reducible to commercial terms (which is another way formal etiqutte is on your side).