I Hate Chess

My seven year old grandbaby, Ashley, was trying her best to teach me
chess. I’m dumber than a box of rocks. Still, Ashley is patient with
me.
What ticks me off the most is that a seven year old gets this and I
don’t. What’s that all about?
I’d like to think my granddaughter is adorable and is competing “for
the cutest kid award,” as the AT&T ad suggests. Actually, she’s one
heck of a lot smarter than I’ll ever be… which burns me a new one.
What bothers me the most about chess is Ashley gets me caught up in
the game, a game of which I have no clue as to the rules. “Your Queen
rules,” said Ashley. “She can do pretty much what she wants to do.”
Sounds like most of the women in my life.
As best I can figure it, chess is about allowing idol people to feel
they are doing something constructive in their lives. Frankly, all
they’re doing is wasting their time, best I can figure.
I like checkers mainly because I understand the game. The only thing
chess and checkers have in common is they’re played on the same
surface. Both are games of skill; it’s the rules that confuse me.
Ashley was trying to explain to me that a chess pawn was a lot like
most males in life- they can be captured… but that would end the
game. “Jiddo (Arabic for grandfather), you have to understand when the
King dies, life goes on in chess.” I didn’t want to break it to a
seven year old but that’s pretty much how life goes.
“Jiddo, when you see a good move in chess you have to look for a
better one,” she explained as only a seven year old can. I thought to
myself… welcome to real world dear grandchild. It’s not what happens
to you in life… it’s what you do about it.
Ashley tried to explain to me that pieces that can easily be attacked
by enemy pieces of less value. That’s the cast system of society as
well. “Part of the problem,” explained Ashley, “is that overworked
pieces tend to guard one or more square or piece.”
“Pieces that aren’t mobile can easily be trapped,” Ashley reasoned.
Seriously? People who aren’t flexible in life can also be trapped. I
was beginning to see that Ashley’s explanation of chess was more of an
explanation of life to me.
I asked Ashley how she learned so much about chess and she explained
that her mother’s brother Uncle Matt, a law student in Chicago,
introduced her to the game over Thanksgiving Dinner. “Plus,” she
added. “You can learn a lot on the internet.”
Ashley proceeded to borrow my cell phone to Google her favorite chess
sites. Even that I can’t do… darn it!
So chess remains an enigma to yours truly. I’m sure that Ashley thinks
I’m pretty dumb because I know nothing about chess, which she proved
by taking me out in just two quick moves.
What’s the difference between a chess player and a highway
construction worker? A chess player moves every now and then.
By the way, never eat lunch over a checkered table cloth with a chess
player. You’ll definitely be late getting back to work.
A man came across a chess player in the park who had his dog with him,
catching Frisbees. “That’s a clever dog,” said the visitor. “He’s not
THAT clever, responded the dog’s owner. I’m beating him three games to
one!”
So given my chess IQ, or lack thereof, it’s easy to understand that I
pretty much hate the game. The one takeaway is that you learn to lose.
Even a Grand Master or International Master loses now and then.
Bobby Fischer won’t have to sweat me breaking any of his chess
records. After all, he started playing at the age of six, about the
same time Ashley started.
Is chess a sport, an art or a conflict that parallels war? From what
little I know of it, war gets my vote. I hate chess!
Michael Aun is a syndicated columnist and writes a weekly column for
this newspaper. To contact Michael Aun, email him atmaun@lasvegastribune.com.

The author of five books and hundreds of articles, Michael Aun's syndicated column, "Behind the Mike" has appeared for over a quarter of a century in weekly periodicals across the country. Michael Aun manages a sales force servicing over 100 cities from 20 regional offices with some 35,000 insurance clients. He is a Life and Qualifying Member of the Million Dollar Round Table, for whom he has also been a main platform speaker. His last book, The Toastmasters International Guide to Successful Speaking was a top seller. His newest book, Rules from the Leader Ship, will be out shortly. To contact Michael, email him at maun@lasvegastribune.com.