Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A judge has struck down the proposed soda ban in New York City. Apparently the judge’s ruling was based on equality for everyone, saying “I’m a Pepper, you’re a Pepper, wouldn’t you like to be a Pepper, too?”

A judge has struck down the proposed soda ban in New York City. It’s good to see someone is standing up for the rights of Americans to get even fatter.

A judge has struck down the proposed soda ban in New York City. Even Al Gore was for the ban, saying the amount of CO2 released from the bubbles in soft drinks is enough to cause global warming by itself.

A poll says only 30% of Americans trust the government, the lowest rate ever. What’s sad is that a higher number of Americans have put their trust in the government of Nigeria, sending money to several princes they believe will make them rich.

A report says that 2 Million parking tickets were issued in Washington, D.C. last year. We know it wasn’t in front of the Capitol Building because Congressmen aren’t there long enough to let the meters expire.

A report says that 2 Million parking tickets were issued in Washington, D.C. last year. Forget the parking tickets, how about trying to fix the gridlock in Congress?

Google introduced a line of shoes that can talk to the person wearing them. The first thing it says is “Hey, how about losing a few pounds? You’re killing us down here!”

Google introduced a line of shoes that can talk to the person wearing them. How annoying would that be to have a pair of shoes that keeps asking if you are sure you know where you are going?

A nun in Ohio has been charged with voter fraud. Apparently she says she did it out of habit.

A “red wine pill” that gives the health benefits of red wine is said to be able to help some people live to 150. Mostly because junk food just doesn’t go well with red wine.

A “red wine pill” that gives the health benefits of red wine is said to be able to help some people live to 150. It makes sense. When is the last time you were invited to a funeral for a wino?

A “red wine pill” that gives the health benefits of red wine is said to be able to help some people live to 150. The only problem is coming up with a liver donor every couple of years.

Jamming devices have been installed at the Vatican to prevent Cardinals at the Conclave from leaking information through their cell phones. The Catholic Church discovered the technology as a way to keep altar boys from talking.

A Russian court has postponed the trial of a dead man. How bad is that guy’s defense team that they can’t figure out a strategy for that case?

A Russian court has postponed the trial of a dead man. The question is, what happens if they give the guy the death penalty?

Cash strapped Greece is planning to sell some government buildings to raise money. Good luck on that. Have you seen how much work is needed to fix up the Parthenon alone?

Despite opposition from pilots, travelers and Congress, the TSA is sticking to its decision to allow knives on planes. If nothing else, flight attendants will be a little more polite when asking passengers to turn off their electronic devices.

A study says what a person “likes” on Facebook can predict their intelligence, sexuality and political leanings. At least until someone in the study comes along and likes Barney Frank, the NRA and Farmville.

A study says what a person “likes” on Facebook can predict their intelligence, sexuality and political leanings. The more “likes” they have, the less their intelligence which pretty much throws out everything else, anyway.

A 4.7 Magnitude earthquake hit Southern California on Monday. In other news, a dog was seen chasing a cat.

Cyclists around the world celebrated World Naked Bike Ride last weekend. Coming up will be Make Sure To Clean The Seat On Any Bike You Rent Weekend.

Data shows that the past winter was warmer and wetter than average. Apparently the information was based on the amount of deodorant that Santa was requested to put in Christmas stockings last year.

The number of Americans using public transportation went up in 2012. Mostly because public transportation now includes hitchhiking.

A survey says that only 34% of renters carry insurance. Mostly because in this economy they can only afford to rent their insurance.

A survey says that only 32% of motorists know car insurance basics. The basics are easy. You give the insurance company a lot of money each month, then when you get in an accident and try to make a claim they drop you.

The new Blackberry will be released in the U.S. later this month. Which is big news if you are still living in 1999.

The new Blackberry will be released in the U.S. later this month. Which is great news for people who think the iPhone is just too efficient.

A study says that tourists spent $16.4 Billion in Los Angeles County last year. $16.3 Billion of that went for Botox, breast implants and liposuction.

AT&T CEO Randall Stevenson was paid $21 Million last year. Which works out to about a nickel for every hour an AT&T customer was put on hold.

An expert says that Internet porn means that parents have to give the “birds and bees” talk to children earlier. But only if their child is a member on Myspace.

A study says that chronic insomnia is linked to a greater risk of heart failure. Well, that ought to make it easier for those people to sleep now.

A study says that heart disease has been found in mummies up to 5,000 years old. And you thought your HMO was slow on completing medical tests.

A study says that too little sleep spurs a person’s appetite. Especially when the person isn’t getting any sleep because they are up all night raiding the refrigerator.

Justin Bieber canceled a concert in Portugal because of “unforeseen circumstances.” Which makes sense because if those circumstances had been foreseen, they probably wouldn’t have scheduled the concert.

Barbara Walters says that Elisabeth Hasselbeck is not leaving “The View”. Apparently having a pretty, dumb blonde on the show is the only way the show can keep viewers from switching over to Fox News.

Stephen Baldwin has reached a deal in his tax avoidance case where he won’t go to jail and has five years to pay $350,000 in back taxes. Hollywood is stunned. how did Stephen Baldwin make enough money to owe that much in taxes?

Stephen Baldwin has reached a deal in his tax avoidance case where he won’t go to jail and has five years to pay $350,000 in back taxes. He says that’s the last time he borrows tax software from Wesley Snipes.

Two movies about Lance Armstrong are reportedly in the works. Apparently agents are already trying to peddle them to the studios.

Two movies about Lance Armstrong are reportedly in the works. The pitch line is “Chariots of Fire” meets “The French Connection”.

New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees concedes that athletes make too much money. But mostly just the ones who are on teams in Cleveland.

A porn site has offered Kobe Bryant $5 Million to enter a dunk contest. The only question is whether it’s a basketball event or just some sort of metaphor.

Kaiser Permanente is ranked as the health insurance company with the highest customer satisfaction in California. Apparently it came in just ahead of Kaiser Steel and Kaiser Wilhelm.

Data says that foreign students now make up the majority of computer science grad schools. That comes as no surprise to anyone who has ever called for computer tech support.

Apple is reportedly coming up with a plan for their large amount of cash holdings. If they want to get rid of their cash quickly, all they need to do is buy a lot of Facebook stock.

Jeb Bush says that history will be kind to his brother. But not until historians forget what he actually did while President.

Jeb Bush says that history will be kind to his brother. What he doesn’t say is that he is talking about Neil and not George W.

Jeb Bush says that history will be kind to his brother. History has never been kind to George W. Bush. Neither was math, science or English.

An Arkansas Congressman wants to rein in a free cellphone program after phones were reportedly given to dead people. No one was complaining because they were the only ones not using them in the gym, the movie theater or in restaurants.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Hope you like the jokes. If you really want to show your appreciation, send in a few bucks to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation in the memory of my wife, Karen. Any amount will do. Just click on the Great Strides icon and the rest is easy. Plus, if you do I will officially be sending you the love!