Wednesday, February 08, 2017

This last week and a half has been absolutely hellish and it seems as though things are slow to improve...

On the night of January 26th I heard Beau crying in his cot. He had rolled over in his sleep, was unable to roll back (he hasn't learned that bit yet!) and must have bitten onto his finger, as there was blood on his cot sheet and his face. At this point in time he was inconsolable and I began to think he was getting sick as he just wasn't his happy, placid and contented self - usually he gets over any mishaps he has quite quickly, but this time there was just no calming him down.

For the next few days Beau began getting worse and suddenly gave up drinking his bottle. Along with this he began waking at all hours of the night, screaming uncontrollably and just not being able to be calmed at all. I decided to take him to an out of hours doctor, who was quite concerned about him not drinking - giving us a letter to go to A&E with him the following day if he didn't start drinking again.

The next day he didn't begin drinking again and even began refusing his dummy too, so I decided to take him to A&E, who, after a two hour wait, decided he was "still hydrated enough to not put IV's in or take blood tests". They sent us home on the advice to "give him frozen drinks"... what an absolute joke that was, especially as he wouldn't open his mouth.

It took two more visits to my own GP, eight days of Beau being ill and refusing liquids, for him to be diagnosed with ulcers on the roof of his mouth, which presumably were making it impossible to drink due to the pain of the bottle teat hitting off the ulcers.

Why it took so long for this to be diagnosed I have no idea. I'm both angry and saddened by the fact that myself and my baby son were fobbed off that he had "a sore throat and an upper respiratory infection". He - and us to a certain extent - have been suffering for a week and a half now. Pain, hunger, thirst, sleepless nights, hours of just crying uncontrollably, rocking him constantly to give him some comfort... my arms are ready to fall off and the lack of sleep is killing me - and probably Beau too, considering that he used to love his sleep and slept through the night from the age of a mere five weeks old.

This is the first time that I've really felt like parenting has taken it's toll and I hate that I'm feeling this way as it's giving me flashbacks to when I suffered with post-natal depression after I had Tyler and I feel so selfish for just wishing Beau would sleep and drink so things can go back to normal. I feel close to breaking point multiple times a day and am trying to hold my cool - it's incredibly hard when your baby won't stop screaming, nothing you do comforts them and you feel like you have no help.

In some ways I feel useless - why can't I make him better? Then I feel frustrated as I'm making bottles, trying to feed him, enticing him to drink, only for him to refuse completely and then having to throw the milk away.

I'm also riddled with guilt due to the fact that Tyler obviously feels quite neglected and has taken to sleeping in my bed next to me just so he can be near me for awhile, sans Beau. He didn't even want me to leave his room last night and I feel awful for constantly having to tell him that "I need to do so and so for Beau" before I can do anything for him.

The only positive to all of this is that we've been getting plenty of fresh air - me being of the belief that fresh air cures everything, and plus, Beau really seems happy in his buggy as we walk around, even nodding off to sleep a few times.

Yesterday we went to Blarney Castle to take Tyler's birthday pictures, something we do every year and whilst Beau was sleeping I managed to have some fun with my older boy. It was great to have some one on one time with him and honestly, it was lovely to have a break from the crying.

It's been eleven days now since Beau drank anything that wasn't syringed into his mouth. He's living off yogurts and fruit purées and my days are centered on trying to keep him hydrated.

He's currently sound asleep in his room, with the rosiest red cheeks I've ever seen. I feel for him so much and wish he'd recover soon rather than later. I worry that after all of this he won't ever want to take a bottle again and I feel like a horrible person for wanting to lose the will to live anytime I hear him crying again at two o' clock in the morning, when I've just spent the last hour trying to get him to eat a yogurt and rocking him to sleep...

1 comment

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time, I hope it will help you to know that someone else understands the guilt, our 2nd child was a very demanding baby & I remember crying myself to sleep with the guilt of constantly having to tell my older son, just a minute ..... I still do sometimes but now she is 5, Ive started to tell her too, she has to wait her turn ..