Spoof news stories from Saturday 15 February 2014

New York - A new poll of American First Ladies commissioned by the New York Toast has named Jackie Kennedy as the nation's all-time worst for hiring shooters to top her husband 'after he found out about Russian ballet dancer Rudolf Nureyev fathering...

NASA is continuing to neither officially confirm nor deny reports that its astronauts on board the International Space Station have become intoxicated on marijuana fumes which have gathered in the upper stratosphere between the station's orbit and De...

King Tutankhamun's father, Akhenaten's mummy was sensationally found this morning in the Valley of the Kings, Egypt. Archaeologist Baldrick Robinson made the astonishing find, only to forget where he had put it moments later. The lost mummy, one of...

Washington AC/DC - He's already turned down a date night with Michelle Obama and/or Tom Cruise in a complex plea-bargain arrangement to get his rocks off before naming names and other vital stuff.
Now lawyers acting for Guantanamo inmate Khalid S...

PAWTUCKET, RHODE ISLAND - CEO Brian Goldner of the famous toy company, Hasbro, announced at a press conference today that their famous toy, Mr. Potato Head, has accepted the romance position vacated by Cupid. Cupid recently turned in his resignation...

Researchers in Paris, France claim to have discovered shocking new evidence that a local Illinois television signal hijacking on 22 November 1987 was predicted BEFORE IT HAPPENED by mystic visionary Nostradamus in 1555.
Nobody has ever been appre...

He may have been kicked out of baseball for a year but New York Yankees Alex Rodriguez has gone back to writing poetry.
What kind of poetry?
"Somewhere between Bob Dylan and Mohammed Ali he laughed."
A-Rod then told some reporters that he h...

"It's the end of the Catholic church," the current Pope has admitted, after a water tight logic disproved the existence of a Christian God.
After recent trials saw several priests convicted of child abuse, one lawyer summed up at the end with a ph...

Tampa, Florida - Florida being the only state without snow for a couple of times now has allowed the New York Yankees to begin working out. Of course the big story here is that Derek Jeter is retiring at the end of this season.
After announcing hi...

A dog and a cat got the Pope's blessing yesterday for a Valentine's wedding attended by hundreds of PETA members, some with their pets.
"It's time to let the little creatures follow our own traditions", stated the host before the ceremony. "We her...

LAS VEGAS, Nevada - KISS bassist Gene Simmons and Rolling Stones lead singer Mick Jagger have gone on record to declare to the world that they are not gay and that they are proud heterosexuals. Simmons, who said he's slept with 4,897 women, and Jagge...

Whatever he was up to, an unnamed male (at present) suddenly appeared in New York McDonalds and ran into a lot of trouble.
"He actually got in the back door", stated an employee that someone forgot to relock after going out back for a break. He ha...

NEW YORK CITY - LaGuardia Airport officials have told passengers not to worry as they have made arrangements to provide each boarding passenger with a snow shovel.
Shayla Spinfiggle, 32, spokeswoman for LaGuardia Airport stated that the idea has b...

LOS ANGELES - Chelsea Handler, the star of the talk show Chelsea Lately, is one of the most outspoken women on television.
Handler is not afraid to use the most vulgar expletives known to man. She has uttered curse words that would literally make...

NEW YORK CITY - One of the nation's top experts on birds and their migratory habits has just stated that the birds are having hell with the harsh-as-hell winter.
Dr. Hamlet Chimney of Harvard held a news conference in Central Park and told joggers...

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas - The world's biggest retail chain has just announced that due to a public outcry, it will be removing every Miley Cyrus Action Figure Twerking Doll from its shelves.
Walmart spokesperson Kimberley Silverlace stated that the...

MANHATTAN - Donald Trump recently said that he really misses not being in the limelight.
He admitted that his glowingly radiant personality is just not made for cold, snowy weather.
El Donaldo, as Eva Longoria calls him, appeared on The Viagra...

WEST HOLLYWOOD - Kanye West has one of the worst tempers in the entire state of California.
Margarita Mixx with The Tinsel Town Times Tribune recently commented that West The Pest acts like he is the greatest singer since Cleopatra and he truly be...

NEW YORK CITY - There is no one who loves being in the national spotlight more than Reverend Al Sharpton, with the one possible exception of Donald "The Hairdo From Hell" Trump.
Reverend Al, as Vice-President Biden likes to refer to him, recently...

VENICE BEACH, California - Jennifer Lawrence has become one of the most sought after young LaLaLand starlets.
Jennifer, who used to spell her name with three consecutive N's recently appeared on The Gorgeous Gary Busey Talk Show.
She congratula...

SARASOTA COUNTY, Florida - Milo Bimbardi owner of The Hurricane Citrus Farm has just reported that he has lost a lot of his citrus crop to damn crocodiles.
He spoke with the local news media and said that he has been growing oranges, lemons, and g...

NEW ORLEANS - Rihanna performed before a sold-out audience at The Voodoo Arena in the city known as The Big Easy.
After the show she spoke backstage with Carolina Chipotle of Bedroom Pillow Talk.
Miss Chipotle complimented her on her brand new...

PYONGYANG, North Korea - The Rice Paddy News Agency is reporting that North Korean leader Kim Jong Un is very upset with the government of India.
It appears that India has made a statement that the head of North Korea really needs to see about get...

CLEVELAND, OHIO - The Federal Bureau of Investigation held a news conference at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland today. F.B.I. Agent, LeVoy Crandall, of the Intellectual Property Theft Division, announced that they will begin cracking dow...

KEWANEE, ILLINOIS - Welcome to Kewanee, Illinois, the self-proclaimed Hog Capital of the World, population 12,916, where the 1st International Bacon Olympics will be held the first week of March.
If there is any doubt that this small town loves...

President Xi Jinping of the People's Republic of China has invited "The Most Honorable Governor Of The Most Christian State of Texas" to his country for "an elaborate state visit."
He said that he admired the way that Texas had "put religion way...

A vast problem has developed with the disposal of the chemical weapons possessed by Bashar Assad's military in Syria. Used to cripple and decimate his own people, Assad escaped a bombing by U.S. Forces in retaliation by promising to turn all chemical weapons over to International powers that would inventory and get rid of them.
Unfortunately, no one wants to take them. Volunteers have come forw...