Wednesday, January 02, 2008

I think it's time to share a cute and true polygyny story I heard recently..... There was a man and a woman married for I think over 12 years and they loved each other dearly, but had no children. The wife tried and tried to get pregnant over the years, but they were not successful. Qadr Allah!!! The man loved his wife and did not want to marry another....he just accepted the fact that they would not have children, but the wife out of love for her husband insisted that he marry another so he can have the children he longed for. After many attempts to convince him that this is what she wished for him and that she was ok he finally agreed. He married a younger woman and the two wives became good friends. The younger one got pregnant and while in labor made du3a that her co-wife get pregnant. Guess what happened? Allah answered the du3a and the first wife got pregnant. Not only did she get pregnant, but her and her co-wife started having babies one after the other. This story was told to me as a true story.

This reminds me of pure love for the sake of Allah and reminds me of the hadeeth......

Narrated Abu Huraira:

The Prophet (p.b.u.h) said, "Seven people will be shaded by Allah under His shade on the day when there will be no shade except His. They are:

(1) a just ruler;

(2) a young man who has been brought up in the worship of Allah, (i.e. worship Allah (Alone) sincerely from his childhood),

(3) a man whose heart is attached to the mosque (who offers the five compulsory congregational prayers in the mosque);

(4) two persons who love each other only for Allah's sake and they meet and part in Allah's cause only;

(5) a man who refuses the call of a charming woman of noble birth for an illegal sexual intercourse with her and says: I am afraid of Allah;

(6) a person who practices charity so secretly that his left hand does not know what his right hand has given (i.e. nobody knows how much he has given in charity).

(7) a person who remembers Allah in seclusion and his eyes get flooded with tears."

Bukhari Vol. 2 : 504

May Allah make these two womens' love for each other for the sake of Allah be their protection on the Day of Judgment when only Allah's shade will protect!!! Ameen!!

50 comments:

This story sucks. There's a billion differen versions of it and all of them are ficticious. I wouldn't be surprised if they were "spread" by men. I don't even think they should be told because of the harm and ignorance that it spreads. There's this sickening fallacy in the Arab world that any time a couple has fertility issues the woman is always the problem and polygyny is always the answer, when this is scientifically unfounded. Half of time infertility issues stem from the husband, marrying and sleeping with even 1,000 other women won't cure impotence.

I have to agree that this sounds like an urban legend that is supposed to make women in polygyny feel like they are going to have some special reward. But hey, if that's what you need to feel then by all means, hang onto that feeling.

I didn't know that was a movie. The person who told me the story is an egyptian Lady and Allahu a3lam if she got it from a movie or not, but she said it was true so I have no reason to doubt her. If it is a lie then Allah only knows. I do not care if it's true or not to tell you the truth. I just thought it was still a cute story even if it was a movie.

I liked the story, mashaallah. Whether it's true or not it doesn't matter. What matters is the promise of a great reward for striving against your nafs and loving your co-wife or any other sister for that matter, for the sake of Allah alone. May Allah reward you Vena for your patience and may He make it easy on you to strive in His path.

Mashallah, that is a very good story. I just wish more women in the world (myself included, I mean especially me!) could feel that way and care more about another person than themself. Afterall we have so many things that can take us to Jahanam why not grab the smaller things that can take us to Jannah? I absolutely lover your resolutions for this year and I thing I will go along with you on trying to memorize two juza's this year. I haven't done that since i was 12. May Allah keep you and us all strong... Ameen

I came upon your blog by accident. As a person who lives a life that couldn't be any less like your's I find your blog beautiful, harrowing, and really incredible all in the same. You're amazing and strong, thank you so much for sharing so much of yourself. God bless you!

I am a researcher on a new documentary series for The History Channel. I'd love to talk to you about your experience and views on polygyny. Please email me at ritestv@yahoo.com -- I will explain further. many thanks for your consideration. Ruth

Assalamu Alaikom Sister, Your story is something else. When reading parts I feel such a pain and hurt inside as if I am placing myself in your shoes. Then there are times you make me smile because of your faith, love for God and your family. I admire you alot and even though you or others may not see it. I feel you are a very strong woman. I hope you continue to blog because you inspire me.

I read these posts sister If you ever are single I will be ready to...

But I pray you guys never divorce still though here are my thoughts.

Have more ghayra for your husband. Never let your husband help another woman so much unsupervised it has happened to me so many times. Naturally the "dame in distress" will like the one who is responsible and looks after her in times of need. If you show a woman care and love especially if sincere and not for sex she will love you naturally. Just my advice. Now as a husband looking for a second wife you husband is a good man but he was wrong to not discuss with you first. I know how it is as a man and frankly it;s not hard to find oneself in that situation that is why Islam has strict measures of sepearation between the sexes quite frankly we need to observe the Shariah if we want safety. That being said as a man we should think like this

a) Okay I like this woman and my desires are running wild and yes my first wife falls short in her affection and service to me

b) However this new woman is simply after me and does not care about me damaging my first wife's heart and life.

c) if polygamy is what I see then I should wait discuss with my first wife and choose a woman that is pious and will get along with my first wife and yes she can be all the things I find in this new woman who I want to marry without telling my first wife

someone else said this, but since when is it a JUST a woman's problem if the couple can't have a child? isn't it the fate of both the husband AND the wife if they can't conceive? why should the man get to opt out and be able to have children with someone else...if you start using that logic then it would be totally fine for a woman whose husband is impotent to get a divorce and remarry just because she wants children. i don't think so, marriage is for better or worse.

and polygany is for dire needs, such as war (or in the case of the Prophet SAW, to make alliances in order to strengthen the ummah, which btw your husband nor mine is the prophet astagfirrulah). it's not because your hubby wanted more (and varied) sex, or because you were having problems having children (become a foster parent, bring an orphan into your house, do something that is TRULY islamic), or because he "fell in love" with someone and wanted to avoid having illegal sexual intercourse with her (tough it out like every woman who is attracted to another man).

self-martyrs like you who think that their husbands are so noble for choosing to marry their whores rather than just have an affair are the reason that men think it's ok to behave this way.

"then it would be totally fine for a woman whose husband is impotent to get a divorce and remarry just because she wants children. i don't think so, marriage is for better or worse"....um, well you think wrong, because that is a perfectly valid reason for a woman to Islamically divorce a man, alhumdiallah.Children are our "wealth" in this world. It is better for a man to support his first wife and have children with a second wife. If everyone is deening, the children will love, respect and care for the first wife almost as much as their own mother and therefore she would benefit as well and Allah knows best.

actually it's NOT better for a man to keep is first wife and then marry another and have children with her. ACTUALLY it's better for the couple to deal with their MUTUAL problem by adopting children who don't have any parent at all. yes children are our wealth, and yes those of who can have them should have a whole bunch, but there ARE children out there that need love and support. there is no need to have another wife in order to have kids.

and yes i agree that if your husband is impotent then that is a valid reason to divorce him, but if that's the case then SURELY living a SAD SAD life because your husband married another woman is ALSO a valid reason to divorce your husband. it's not me who is making islam all about self sacrifice, it's you co-wives. all i hear on these blogs is "oh allah will give you so much sawab. oh your patience, it will be repayed." but don't forget that allah swt does not allow us to be oppressed. a person who has the ability to escape oppression but cowers instead EARNS SIN. and what is oppression: when one person tramples all over the rights of another person. most of these polygynous marriages involve a LOT of one person's rights being totally abused. it's not the husband.

AND:i never said it wasn't a valid reason...read my comment. what i said was that it's not ok. it's not nice. what happend to love? what happend to "we're in this together".

what i'm saying is that lack of children is not a reason for any ONE partner to find his own solution. it should be the problem of BOTH the spouses and the solution should be something that benefits both of them.

and honestly. really? how many of these wives really lost their husbands due to lack of children? didn't most of them lose their husbands to the fact that he fell in love with another woman??!! to me that sounds a whole lot like legalized extra-marital affairs.

"it's better for the couple to deal with their MUTUAL problem by adopting children"...actually, that is BEST.

"SURELY living a SAD SAD life because your husband married another woman is ALSO a valid reason to divorce your husband."Yeah, but that is not what this post was talking about. What is being said here is that this is one positive example of poly, where the infertile first wife is not divorced and abandoned-as would happen in many, many cultures-instead the husband "retains" her and still gets kids. Win, win. Option B.

Ummabdurrahman,Maybe YOU would feel that pain, in which case you could divorce him and find a man that was cool with being childless or wanting to adopt...but they would not be the case for everyone. For some it would be win, win.:)

anonymous above, i know you think that for some it would be win win, and yes for some it would (like wife2). the sad reality is though, if you read these blogs, like safa's or vena's...these women suffer the majority of the time...and yet they hold on to their tattered lives. the go on suffering for the sake of Allah, and the sake of the few minutes of peace and love they can have with their husbands. Allah doesn't ask us to suffer. but most women in these situations do. i'm not saying there aren't women out there that are truly happy with their polygany...there must be, i just don't know any.

"if you read these blogs, like safa's or vena's...these women suffer the majority of the time"...Yes and that is why they are blogging-for support and outlet. I tend to agree that this "story" in THIS post is an urban legend perpetrated by men. But I still say that in SOME CASES poly is a workable solution...those blogs would be harder to find but those cases do exist.For instance: "and no one is "cool" with being childless"Step outside your box. Some men already HAVE children and are widowed. They may be cool with marrying a woman that KNOWS she can't have kids. A man that CAN"T have children may be cool with that being qadr of ALLAH and in that case would be cool with marry a woman in the same boat. In some cases-if EVERYONE is deening, wife A may be thrilled to be a step-mom to her husband's children since they are also her lil bros and sisters in Islam. Sheesh-get an imagination.

when i said that no one is "cool with being childless" i meant that even those people that find alternate solutions are do not take their situation light heartedly. it is an extremely emotional and sometimes difficult decision to come to...which ever road they choose, whether it be to get a wife b, or to do any of the totally valid solutions you mentioned....my point was that no one is just "cool with it" it's not like buying a car.

I cant descripe to you how your blog has left me feeling. Please dont listen to these people who are whispering to you on hear like a shaitan! Yes.......the whole situation how everything went down was wrong, your dh and "lisa" made a mistake. However, now they are married and neither are living haram. I REALLY want you to update some more..and I REALLY REALLY want you to come join a group only for woman the address is:

And my point is that saying "no one" is incorrect. For sure many if not most people(male or female) would have to do some serious turning to Allah when they figure out that they can not have children. A woman that could not conceive (but whose husband could and still wants too) would have to make a choice OR just stand by and let her husband do whatever he is going to do. There is the option of finding a man that is COOL with not having a child with her. For whatever reason he is COOL-whether he already has some or he has come to terms with his own inability to reproduce. But it would be beneficial to find one that is COOL with not having kids-if her hubby insists and she doesn't want to stay. It is not "until death do us apart" in Islam, alhumdiallah. BUT in some cultures-a non-child bearing woman does get kicked to the curb and that is one of the reasons why poly can be beneficial.

Insha Allah, Vena no longer feels the need to share the personal details of her marriage with the public. At the time, she needed confirmation that her negtive feelings were justified. Perhaps now she realizes that her husband's marriage to Lisa was ordained by Allah and Allah wants her (Vena) in a non-monogamous relationship, which is why it exists. Only when Vena accepts this truth will her hurt and pain subside. She must realize that not even her husband, nor Lisa decided what has happened; although they will be accountable, but Allah decided. I learned from Vena that I am not alone in how I felt when Allah placed me in a plural marriage. I just ordered the book she made mentioned of, as well. Hearing her story helped me. Hearing the comments to her from persons who responded with useless opinions that were not based on anything Allah says, disgusted me. I am grateful Allah allowed me to hear Vena's story. Now, I truly believe I'm on the path of accepting Allah's decision and being healed. My reasons for not accepting polygny was selfishness and an unwillingness to share, all contrary to what Allah commands. If it was good enough for the Mother of the Believers, why would I think I'm too good for it? Insha Allah, Vena's blog is no longer a gossip column for persons wanting entertainment, and will benefit those who are truly seeking support. Ultimately, we need to listen to and Obey Allah.

Regardless sis, we have to go about these things in a noble manner. The way your husband went about it makes it hard for the rest of us to practice because people say look at that is that how it is done.

Secondly, you are right to forgive and to move on and yes he still shows you love and care. However, I don't like the way his other wife treats you and he as a man should have never let her feel comfortable to do so she should always have respect for you and always feel a little unsure of whom he loves more. Anyways we live nad learn and at the end of the day he seems to be a nice guy overall.

Also sister you shoudl reflect. I think he married again not to do service (khidma) to the ummah but because you might have been lacking and in ways he tried to tell you about but you never took heed and eventually he realized he needed certain qualities in a wife. Khidma and service is important to a man who is providing for his family. I am in his shoes and I relate to you guys so much, however I decided not to marry on this intention alone bit to make it a bit smoother to reduce any pain from my first wife so yes she knows I want to marry again. So if anyone is interested or knows of someone please contact me

Human beings are not our role models. Allah says follow the ways of the Prophets. We can't understand why Allah makes the decisions that he does. Because He is too big for us to understand. Our position should be to accept His decision and not try to figure out why He decided as he did. To say the sister was lacking, which is why her husband took another wife is way harsh. We need to stop thinking we're pulling the strings and believe Allah when He says there is no power or might accept in Him. Not a leaf falls from the tree without His permission. Enough with the he should have done this and she should have done that. Do you know better than Allah???

salamu alaykum the sister herself expressed this through her entries if you go back and read carefully. However, you do have a good point and perhaps I need to reflect on my previous comment. Thanks for the correction!

Asalaamu Alaikum,I am impressed you being a male and responding as you did. Perhaps you should begin your own blog, Insha Allah. Many sisters would love to know more about men and their experiences, emotions and psyche when it comes to wanting and having more than one wife. For a whole year,I blamed myself for my husband taking a second wife. I am only now just beginning to accept it as being Allah's decision, a decision that is best for me. As you said women do, I took my husband for granted. I treated him oh so badly for five years because he betrayed me. He became Muslim right before we married and I was Muslim for twenty years. He expressed a sincere interest in learning all about Islam and practicing it. It was all a lie. He could care less. Please note, I'm at fault because I DISOBEYED ALLAH. Allah says don't marry your believing women to unbelieving men until they believe and vice versa. Believers are for Believers and Unbelievers are for Unbeliever. Don't take those outside your rank into your intimacy. I wanted the fairly tale life, the wedding and live happily ever after; so I chose to ignore what Allah said. Nonetheless, my husband turns to his ex- non Muslim girlfriend for comfort. She took Shahadah to marry him. He tells me two weeks before the marriage - no "mutual consultation" about our affairs, as Allah tells us to do. The way he did it was like shoving a piece of steak down my throat without giving me a chance to chew it and I don't even like steak. I now realize that Allah did what was best for me. He and the sister have been married one year and she don't even know enough to say the basic As Salaama Alaikum (She wants him not Allah). I still have the benefits of our marriage; however, Allah has distance him enough where he don't have as much influence over me and can't (Insha Allah) lead me astray. I always rejected polygamy with a passion. Now Allah has forced me to accept the whole book (Quran). I'm trying my best with the help of Allah to embrace His decision with enthusiam. I'm trying to obey Allah. Although my husband "betrayed" me as I saw it, I was wrong not to be kind to him and say only those things that were good or nothing at all. I'm beginning to have clarity now and put my faith and trust in Allah. The pain and devastation is finally subsiding. It's all good. It's Alhumdiallah!!! Please seriously consider starting your own blog. It is sure, Insha Allah, to be a success. Please put a notice here if you decide to do so, so we'll know where to go. May Allah bless you and your family!

I found a blog, my2wives.com, which is very interesting. I think it's a good blog for those who accept polygamy (because Allah made it permissable), and those who are interested in expanding their horizon with regard it. Insha Allah, those persons who reject what Allah has made lawful and honorable will not visit with their worthless comments...Just thought I'd share what I found.

That's a difficult question to answer, as I can only speak from the position of women who were adamantly opposed to polygyny before it happened. I can say, not even your wife is going to know how she will handle it until it happens. She knows how she feels now; however, when the situation becomes a reality, only Allah knows what feelings in your wife it's going to provoke. I can say it is extremely painful for most first wives, as I experienced it and felt I was just going to die. I read the book, "From Monogamy to Polygny" and I experienced every single emotion the authors said first wives experience. Some women have had breakdowns or turned away from Islam because of being placed in that position.

I would say to you, if your wife agrees to it and you want it, go for it and put your faith and trust in Allah that He will bless you in it. At least the two of you would be going into it consentually, which makes a world of difference. Keep in mind she doesn't know who your knew wife will be...prettier, younger, or what. My husband's second wife is extremely unatractive, not young, and works at a fast food chain, and I still was distraught and it effected my self-esteem, which I am regaining now since I realize from reading the book that my husband taking a second wife had nothing to do with me; it's a desire Allah has placed in men; men covet women and will have houris (excuse spelling) in Paradise if they are Believers.

Regarding that blog -my2wives.com, I recant my endorsement of the website. When the host said he has no favorite wife, I knew there was a problem; as Muslims, we know a man has a favorite. He probably didn't want the wives to read the blog and hear the truth,as it would cause problems. The website can't be to useful, if he's being reserved in his answers and not being forthright.

I believe that a man can be in a situation where he loves both wives equally and cannot say one is a favorite. I do not think he is saying it because it is not true, but maybe because one has qualities that he likes that the other doesn't have and vise versa. Each woman has her good and her bad. Maybe a man might love one wife more than the other and then something will change and then he will love the other more. I wouldn't discount the entire blog based on that. And if he is truly trying to avoid fitnah with his wives then I think is comendable and he may still have useful advice. You can take what you want and leave what you don't. that's the best thing about these blogs.

MASHA ALLAH i admire your courge my allah keep you always strong you are dealing with things well i am proud of you as my muslim sister and my allah make this test easy for u and reword you for your good deeds amiin i trully feel like i know you coz i know all i need to know that u r a good muslimah and have a golden heart and for that i want to tell u that i love u for the sake of allah your muslim sister ramla [ uk ]