Friday, September 10, 2010

The Ups and Downs

I returned from a lovely eleven days in Los Angeles on Wednesday evening. I slept on the couch of a dear friend that whole time and drove a little white Kia Soul. Interesting sometimes what happens to my soul while in LA.
My friend observed that I spent very little time messing around and set up meeting after meeting to get things done. Time is precious out there and I need to fill it with progress or I can't sit still. I had time to go to the beach and to socialize and to really relax. One whole day after a morning meeting, I spent the afternoon at the beach and the pool. It was gorgeous. I don't think a day went by when I had nothing to do. My time booked up very quickly and I took the networking very seriously.
But as it always happens, the anxiety and stress are tremendous. I go from calm to terrified in a matter of seconds. Everything I do feels crucially important. Every moment could potentially turn into a break or a disaster. I ride high on hopes and dreams and crash hard on 'lovely to meet you, maybe next time'. The ride is almost always twisting and turning in directions that I never saw it going.
I should have been prepared for Marissa. I wasn't prepared to market my daughter and I don't think I really truly saw what would happen if I put her in my movie.
You hope, you dream, you try to make plans but the fact remains, the business I have chosen has no clear cut path.
This isn't like "I've decided to become a doctor."
Great, here is your path. First you get into college, and honestly you can get into any number of colleges and you study hard, pass and get your degree, now you go to graduate school, first you intern, then you are a resident, perhaps you would like to pursue private practice. Then you apply for jobs because now you are qualified. You interview and you get hired. Now you are in your chosen profession.
I have had people mock my degree. And they can go ahead and do that. I don't care. I'm proud of it anyway, I didn't get it for anyone else. It doesn't make me smarter or taller. It makes me happy and gives me a feeling of accomplishment because I started and finished something that was difficult.
So, that is kind of the path I am on right now. Trying to accomplish something that is difficult. And I'm working on the path. In a sense I have to forge my own path like the people did before me.
I'm smart and I'm talented and I am a really good writer. I will pursue this as long as it takes. I have heard no and maybe and let me get back to you more times than I care to mention.
My daughter has an interview with an LA agent in two weeks. I am making progress with my own works. It's a process. I had disappointments along the way and I am sure I will have more, but I am undeterred.
While I was on the second leg of my return, from Houston to St. Louis, I wrote myself a note. It said
"Not everyone will like all of what you do all of the time. This does not make it bad, all this means is that that person has an opinion. There are people in this world who don't like Shakespeare and Monty Python.
Not everyone will appreciate me all the time, but I must stay strong in my belief in myself and my own ability and unwavering in my task. I will always allow myself the time to cry when I am hurt and disappointed but I will never stop picking myself up and moving on. Hang on to the knowledge that the brick walls are not there to keep me out, they are there to show me how high I can climb."
It is with a steely ambition that I continue my pursuit. I have never been a quitter and I'm not about to quit now. This is not an easy path, people keep telling me that. It's not the easy I desire. It's the clear cut. I'm getting used to that not happening! So, I had my share of disappointments when I was out there, and I felt the sting of it.
But I also had my share of exciting developments. I'm going to hold on to those.