O lord habv mercy...Little Harg haz remissed into the Son Obv Stone agin! Whar iz Khnadgarz? Why iz he forgotten us....We iz lost in the Land that Time Forgot....Whar wiring harnazez are become sorry ass excuses...and no good blues wabz heard by ar Khing!

Bruce, that is a vile calumny upon the noble Tyrannosaurus Rex, and I should think you have seriously offended dinosaurs everywhere by saying it. If I were you I would not venture outside for some time...

Please do not take the term "reprobate inbred" as a personal insult. It comes with the territory when one is a king. Just ask any of our UK Mudcatter friends to describe their own royal family in two words and, to a person, they will say, "inbred reprobates".

So it has been since the time of the dinosaurs. Royal inbreeding actually began with Tyrannosaurus Rex, the king of the dinosaurs. The two most notable things about T Rex are his big teeth and his short tiny arms. With such short arms it was impossible for an adolescent T Rex with raging hormones to achieve sexual release in the manner that normally equipped dinosaurs did. In other words, T Rex couldn't wank off. So, the young male would frequently just jump the nearest thing that looked screwable and that, more often than not, would be his own cousin or sister.

Sadly, even though modern royals have arms of normal length, the tendency toward cousin-porking that began all those millions of years ago is still with us today.

"I was greatly looking forward to assisting Mr. Piggins in his bid to oust the reprobate inbred King khandu" and "I have alienated myself from my King and seriously doubt that getting back in his good graces is in the cards"

In one breath, you speak disparagingly of me and, in the next, you seem to desire my "good graces".

I like that quality in a man...double-mindedness! It shows the ability to see both sides at once! What a gifted fellow you are, Mr bee-dubya!

So sad to hear of Slim's untragic and timely death. I shall observe a moment of silence in his honor tonight while I am having porkchops.

However, I must say that I am pleased you have rejoined us here at MOAB. With both you and Tweed away, this place was not the same!

BTW, bwl, If I do leave my throne, it will be voluntarily. I am not being deposed, nor disposed! However, since I first made my announcement, I have been barraged with missives demanding that I retain my hallowed Throne. I am seriously considering this!

Wal, BWL, I mean, how was ya to know? Right? I can't count the number of royalty I have inadvertantly alienized, NOR the number of pure-dee aliens I have accidentally royalized. Sometyimes it gets so I can't tell whether I am exercising my royalizing compulsion on some extra-T thinly disguised as a human being, or just pissing off a properly-elevated monarch. But you gotta keep moving on, ya know what I mean?

It'll all come out in the wash, believe me -- or the graveyard, whichever comes first...

Well, folks, I'm back from my annual pilgrimage to The Florida Folk Festival way down upon the Suwannee River and I'm here to tell you that life can certainly take some funny turns while you're out in the woods fending off the ticks and chiggers. As you may recall from my pre-festival posts, Mr. Slimuel J. (Slim) Piggins, a Vietnamese potbellied pig, had agreed to become the Porcine Party's candidate for King of Mississippi and I had agreed to be his campaign manager. I was greatly looking forward to assisting Mr. Piggins in his bid to oust the reprobate inbred King khandu from that hallowed throne. I had planned on beginning my tenure in that position upon my safe arrival home from the festival, and hoped that Mr. Piggins would await my counsel before beginning his campaign in earnest. . However, unbeknownst to me, Mr. Piggins decided to take it into his head to do a little campaigning while I was off pickin' and such. In fact, ole Slim decided to make an appearance at a Memorial Day barbecue hosted by a volunteer fire department over in the Biloxi, Mississippi area and there seems to have been a bit of a misunderstanding. I can't really blame the volunteer firemen for what happened because I doubt they had ever seen a Vietnamese potbellied pig running for King of Mississippi before. Anyway, ole Slim came trottin' up to the barbecue with a basketful of "Vote for Slim" balloons and this ole boy named Ralph held out an apple and said, "Nice piggy", and ole Slim bein' a sucker for a good apple... well, there's really no gentle way to put it... in just a few minutes poor ole Slim wasn't just at the barbecue, he was the barbecue.

So, now I find myself lost in the vacuum I have created for myself by my own feckless and opportunistic nature. I have alienated myself from my King and seriously doubt that getting back in his good graces is in the cards. And the chances of any other domestic farm animals running for public office and needing a campaign manager just don't look too promising. (Well, there is that one horse's ass that's in The White House, but I think he's already got someone in mind.) Perhaps I will just go back to being an idjit as it seems to be the calling to which I am best suited.

Need a little more? Here's one at Mz.Mary's house early that morning. Mz.Mary lives way out on a gravel road and her flowers grow well out there. She is a gentle soul and would have played her guitar for us (she is learning how to) except the power company came and took her meter off the wall of her shack. Of course that means she can't run her water pump either, but she was so happy to see Daniel and his Mother and to make Bobertz and me anyhow. I have two bits of river gravel from her front yard which are going in the mojo bag. She is a beautiful beautiful woman.

That may well be Little Hawk, but I am a renegade of sorts and will post this musical video clip from day two of me and the Boberdz' Mizippi expedition. This is Slick Ballinger playing on a porch outside Como Mizippi on Saturday. Great-great Grandma likes hiz music considerable az you will see. I've never seen a musician effect people the way Daniel does. This sorta thing went on for two days at various juke joints, bars and many front porches. By the way, Mississippi is one beautiful place and the Hill Country is like heaven on earth! Slick Plays, Great-Great Grandma Starts a Dance

Got that right, Aussie. What Khandu figured was to create a thread that would attract all us BS'rs like shit attracting flies, and keep us off the rest of the forum. It's working fairly well. I figure that we will easily run it up to 1,000 posts long before George Bush launches his next pre-emptive war. I hope so, anyway.

The Tweed is Back!!! Tis a pleasure to have you back in Mudcatville! Can't wait to hear yore fine tales of drunkeness and blues music!

I told my many subjects to treat you royally whenever you got to Mississippi, cause even though you threw it away, you were once a Royal Consort and shall forever be treated as one!

Any new BS to add to the old BS here at the MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS? That's the wunnerful thing about BS...you can take all different kinds of the stuff and it'll mix in with the rest and still be BS!!!

Well, I see the garden haz devolved to smothering chickens and Shatnerspeak since I last took my leave for the frontiers ob Khnadzoo's Reaml!

Boberdz is still on the road, or mebbe haz got a motel room by now) and iz headed back to the P-Vine. We had many consecutive adventures down there this year and I will have some sort ob report wif pictures and mebbe a short video if I got enough webspace left to run it all. People, the hill country of ar Khing's state iz most special and populated by the finest folks I have ever encountered. And that ain't no BS neither...

I just got three (count'em...three) PMs from different members of the Mudcat Hierarchy thanking me for this thread. They all said that I had done a great service in creating it because it has kept most of the Mudcat undesirables (and their ilk) too busy to bother the more "serious-minded" members.

Another thing that's great fun is to do drive-by shootings of inflatable Ronald McDonalds, Great Root Bears, and such at fast food restaurants. There's almost nothing more satisfying than pouring a few hundred rounds of 30 cal machine gun bullets into Ronald, and hearing that "psssssssshhhhh..." sound as he slowly keels over and deflates onto the top of your local McDonald's. I recommend doing it late at night. It's more dramatic that way, but make sure the area is reasonably well lit so you get the full visual effect.

An alternate technique is to nail old Ronald with a bazooka. This produces a sound like a gigantic fart, and results in more or less total destruction of the inflatable clown. The Great Root Bear reacts similarly. If you are really lucky, you may come across a giant inflatable gorilla or a T-rex, but they are rarer. Check out horse racing arenas, auctions, country fairs, and such events.

Always make sure to have a good getaway car, a good driver, and be careful not to injure any innocent bystanders.

I tried shooting the rapids, but rafts full of people kept getting in the way. Besides, it was drilled into me when I learned to shoot "never shoot at a flat surface or at water."

Hey, LH! Do you know how fast one of them rubber rafts deflates after it's shot? It's even more fun with a bow and arrow, 'cause the arrow plugs up the hole until it's taken or knocked out, and you and some buddies can make book on how far the raft'll get!

Try shooting the breeze instead. It's much easier, and no one will come after you for it, unless you're within city limits. Another thing you can easily do is shoot the rapids. All you need is a fast running river.

I was all ready to play tennis once, but then I learned that the young lady planned to knock my balls around with a big racket, all the while shouting things like "Twenty, Love!" (which I presumed was the racket mentioned earlier) to keep score. Since I didn't have twenty, I let tennis slide and decided to shoot golf instead. Got several, found a twenty gauge (bore) using #8 shot was best, but they're stringy little devils after you skin 'em and they have a rubbery flavor and texture. Never could understand why all them fellas were chasin' after me, wavin' those sticks. Shot some pool for a while, too, and was thrown out of the Louvre and the MMA for shooting pictures....

Dang, this place seems empty without the Tweedzer's input. He is busy roaming the roads and outrunning the law of Mississippi this weekend. If he makes it back home without being sent to Parchman, I am sure he will have a tale to tell.

Meanwhile, MOAB will have to struggle along without him.

Does anyone here have a copy of Tom Jones' Bluegrass album, "Front Porch Pickin'"? Little Hawk and I would pay dearly if you could make us a tape of it! (See Spaw's Birthday Thread for more info on the elusive T.J. album, as well as some wonderful info on the aborted Shatner/Dylan recording sessions!!)

Oh, Krate Khandu, I had wondered where your palace might be- in driving through Mississippi I had not come upon a suitable abode for your majesty. But I see now that the Khandominium is all-embracingly appropriate for you and your entourage- is there two of you?

Indeed, Kirk is an excellent role model for the newer species; sub-super-humanoid. But that, of course, is proper, since Kirk is The Great Man, William Shatner!!

It is also so fitting and proper that this thread, the MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS has evolved into a discussion of Kirk/Shatner! However, I think that, if the discussion grows, the Powers That Be should transfer this thread to the Music section, since Shatner has been such a major influence upon the evolution of Music!

He verges on superhuman...but still manages to be just a regular guy. To do this is not easy.

Now, rapaire, you may think that my chest is like that of a human woman...but not unless she's, oh, maybe 11 years old...so to speak. Flat as a pancake, in other words. There are women as flatchested as me, but they are exceedingly rare, and their nipples are usually quite a bit larger. I speak from experience on this. I would be disappointed to encounter a woman's chest that matched mine.

No, that never happened. One time, though, he did get mixed up in the transporter with a voluptous alien princess from Andromeda and came out with breasts. Really big ones. It took some time to reverse the effect, but with assistance from Commander Data Kirk's atoms were eventually rearranged and his manly and muscular chest was restored to its original form.

Captain Kirk's beaming in doesn't look too good? Is it true that his transporter beam was crossed by one beaming Captain Picard and that as a result Bill Shatner is now stone bald? Or to put it another way, I i ue a i aoe ea a oe y oe eai aai ia a a a a eu i ae i o oe a?

Bulletin: Fears that the MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS would eventually collapse under the weight of its own inanity have been only slightly allayed by rumours that Captain James T. Kirk will make a surprise appearance, beaming in by transporter. Some pundits have dismissed this as a desperation ploy to gain attention by fanatical proponents of the thread, while others do give it some credence. Only time will tell.

1. What IS a duck worth? I ask this because there is a highway exit into Barrie to a large street named Duckworth, and it's been on my mind ever since I saw the exit sign, which was about 18 years ago. Inflation-wise, a duck is worth more today than it was yesterday, but less than it was in 1967.

2. Why is Gargoyle so nice and tolerant all the time? It's just in the blood of the lovely man. Lots of blood; more coming.

3. When will Tony Clifton receive the recognition he truly deserves? Wh h?

4. Why is Spaw fascinated by farts? His hearing has gone bad so he depends greatly on vibration.

5. Why are American men obsessed with gigantic bosoms? They were weaned too early.

6. When will this thread meet its natural end? Check back next month.

8. Will William Shatner's musical and acting accomplishments ever be surpassed? No.

9. When Bruce Banner changes into the Incredible Hulk, his body gets many sizes larger. This causes his clothing to be ripped to shreds, and fall off him...with ONE glaring exception...his shorts! They somehow remain undamaged, thus preventing the World from seeing the Hulk's privates. This is very odd indeed. Can anyone offer a scientific explanation as to how this could possibly be? Haven't you heard? Size doesn't matter.

10. What happened to question "7"??? Who are you trying to reach by way of this code?

Ahhh....another beautiful day. The World (as we know it) was supposed to end a few days ago, but it got cancelled due to unexpectedly fine weather. This is good.

Now, I think it's time we all got around to studying some important trivia and answering some unanswered questions. Like these:

1. What IS a duck worth? I ask this because there is a highway exit into Barrie to a large street named Duckworth, and it's been on my mind ever since I saw the exit sign, which was about 18 years ago.

2. Why is Gargoyle so nice and tolerant all the time?

3. When will Tony Clifton receive the recognition he truly deserves?

4. Why is Spaw fascinated by farts?

5. Why are American men obsessed with gigantic bosoms?

6. When will this thread meet its natural end?

8. Will William Shatner's musical and acting accomplishments ever be surpassed?

9. When Bruce Banner changes into the Incredible Hulk, his body gets many sizes larger. This causes his clothing to be ripped to shreds, and fall off him...with ONE glaring exception...his shorts! They somehow remain undamaged, thus preventing the World from seeing the Hulk's privates. This is very odd indeed. Can anyone offer a scientific explanation as to how this could possibly be?

While you ar still able to converse somewhat,Yore Grace, I wish to ax a boon obv you and the so-called Third Duck ob Pelachahatchie. I wuld like to travel through Mizippi ar-space tomoro so az to meet up wif you and yore pore Unlucky, but beautimous Queen in Como. I will ob corse be hauling the obligatory bag ob roadkill, cornmeal and collards for your consumption and az a peace offering. I habv spoke to the Boberdz and he iz closing in on Mempho but haz stopped for the nite and obtaned good lodgings at a motel that smells ob curry and much cigarette smoke. He iz in fine spirits az allus and looks ford to this magnificent summit meeting ob Tweed/Cats and yore Royal Self. After having a full body cavity search in the morning I will board a jetliner and be headed to Memphis and hope Boberdz survives the nite so he will find my sorry ass and we will get on down to Mizippi to hunt you down and cause you to drink more than several beers.

OK, the absent vowel plan does not work as well as I had hoped. So, how 'bout this?

Why worry over correct spelling? Why not spell the words as they sound? Now, I know we can argue over this, such as in the word "WORD". You can say it sounds like, and should be spelled "werd", someone else may say, it should be "wurd". The wonderful thing is...it doesn't matter!!

Spell it as it sounds to you!

Many words would retain their correct spelling. As an example, the next sentence will be spelled according to how I hear it.:

This plan cud werk rather well...it eliminates the wurthless wurry of spellin and yew wud never haf to yews spell-checker.