10 Burgers to Die For (Literally)

Those on a diet, or those of you who simply want to live past 70-or-so years of age, should—like you would one of those Most Wanted thugs posters—take keen notice of these one-of-a-kind, criminally-unhealthy burgers.

That said, most of the following look and sound so ridiculously yummy that “if eating ’em is wrong, then I don’t wanna be right!”. Your doctor, on the other hand, likely disagrees.

10. Double Cheeseburger (Denny’s)

Denny’s restaurants: They’re one of the staples of American family vacations and, well, not exactly known for super healthy grub. However, nothing on the menu comes close to the Denny’s Double Cheeseburger in terms of calorie/fat content: This otherwise unassuming, innocuous-looking burger packs 1,400 calories, 87 grams of fat (41 of ’em saturated!) and over 2,500 grams of sodium.

Next time you dine at Denny’s, you may wanna consider the Single Cheeseburger…

9. Sirloin Cheeseburger With Bacon (Jack in the Box)

The Jack in the Box Sirloin Bacon Cheeseburger is vying hard to out-fat Denny’s Double Cheeseburger. Made of 100% sirloin patties, lettuce, American cheese, tomato, pickles, Peppercorn mayo, and red onions—all sandwiched between a bakery-style bun—it boasts 990 calories, 66 grams of fat (21 saturated and even 2g of the dangerously unhealthy trans-fat), 1,800mg sodium, and 52 grams of carbohydrates (those on the Atkins diet should consider it dead and buried after eating one of these babies).

But alas, to the stats! The Luther—aka Doughnut Cheeseburger—substitutes glazed doughnuts in lieu of traditional buns and consists of meat, gobs of cheese, and several bacon strips. There are several variations depending on where you go (most sightings have been at Mulligans restaurants and various state fairs), but the Luther averages about 1,300 calories and lord-knows-how-much-fat content.

6. Double Six Dollar Burger (Carl Jr.’s)

Continuing down the rails of the Fat Burger Express, Carl Jr.’s Double Six-Dollar Burger is only (in contrast with other burgers further down the list) two patties, covered in cheese and all the other usual suspects. The downside (and there seems to be plenty of ‘downside’ throughout this post) is the “nutritional” specs: 1,520 calories—the maximum daily recommended caloric intake for a medium-height individual—2,700mg of sodium, and a kill-me-now 111 (!) grams of fat. And just so you know, 111 grams of fat equal roughly 1/2lb of raw, ooey-gooey fat. Hungry yet?

As Carl Jr. says, it “gets all over the place…and goes right to the waist”. I’m thinking even that’s a gross understatement.

5. Monster Thickburger (Hardee’s)

It won’t come as a shocker to anyone that one of the fattiest, most unhealthiest sandwiches comes from a fast-food joint. Case in point: Hardee’s Monster ‘Thickburger’ is a double-beef (two 1/3lb patties) burger, laden with four strips of bacon, piles of cheese slices, and oozing mayo. The result? 1,300 calories, a dismal 92 grams of fat (where do they put it all?!), with 34 of ’em saturated.

And adding insult to injury, they don’t even—by default, at least—attempt to disguise its monumental unhealthiness by adding a tomato or lettuce-leaf to the mix!

4. Jalapeno Smokehouse Bacon Burger (Chilis)

From the founders of ‘baby-back, baby-back, baby-back ribs’ (ahh, nostalgia) comes the gratuitously artery-clogging (and by ‘artery-clogging’, I’m not even being hyperbolic) Jalapeno Smokehouse Bacon Burger. It, combined with a small order of Chilis fries, contains 2,210 calories, a holy-smokes! 144 grams of fat (46 saturated), 136 grams of carbs, and over 6,000g of sodium—three times the daily recommended amount!

3. Fifth Third Burger (Fifth Third Ballpark)

The Fifth Third Burger, a concoction of the West Michigan Whitecaps baseball team (yes, the same team that gave America the idea for fried Twinkies and fried Pepsi) at Fifth Third Ballpark, is one enormous, loaded whopper. Featured on programs like Sports Center and The Today Show, the Fifth Third Burger sports an eight-inch sesame seed bun, five 1/3lb beef patties, an entire cup of chili, five slices of cheese, liberal doses of nacho cheese, Fritos, gobs of salsa, lettuce and, well, everything else but the kitchen sink.

The final product? A 4lb burger worthy of a staggering 4,800 calories (the most unhealthy food ever sold in a ballpark, according to the team’s management), 744mg’s of heart attack-artillery cholesterol, and a diet-nuking 300 grams of fat.

2. Quadruple Bypass Burger (Heart Attack Grill)

The Heart Attack Grill of Dallas, Texas—featured on The Travel Channel’s Extreme Pig- outs program—is best summed-up as an “all-American burger joint with a dash of gentleman’s club”. Waitresses dressed as “naughty nurses” take patrons’ (in this case, ‘patients’) orders (dubbed ‘prescriptions’) and, in cases of customers who dare consume a Triple or Quadruple Bypass Burger, wheelchair them to their cars.

But the real bombshell here isn’t the scantily-clad waitresses (err, ‘nurses’), it’s the Quadruple-Bypass Burger—a cardiologist’s worst nightmare. The mammoth, heart attack-inducing fo’-shoh burger is worthy of—ready yourself for it—an almost unfathomable 8,000 calories and boasts four (4!) half-pound patties, a large tomato, six slices of cheese, and a bun (basically the coup de grace in this instance) smothered in lard.

Before you take on the Quadruple Bypass Burger (or even Triple Bypass Burger, for that matter), you’d best check your surroundings for that dark, scythe-wielding figure known as Death.

1. 100-Pounder (Denny’s Beer Barrel Pub)

Perhaps what can only be described as proportional absurdity, the mammoth 100-pound Burger (the one pictured above, breaking the scale at 130 pounds) comes from the geniuses (or are they just rabidly hungry folks?) of Denny’s Beer Barrel Pub of Clearfield, Pennsylvania. The colossal whopper takes around nine hours to cook and has 160 slices of cheese, 4lbs of tomatoes, enough lettuce to feed a small city, and piles-on-piles of pickles.

How many hungry people does the 100-pounder feed? About 200. The Price? $379. Eat your heart out, Fifth Third Burger, eat your heart out!