Firstly, I literally just figured out that my mom has NPD. The signs are all there and so many things make sense now. For context I am a 24F living at home to save money and build credit. I’m moving out within the next month though.

On Friday, I checked my credit report and my heart dropped when I saw that a card had been opened up in my name and had been charged $250 since it was opened October 1st. At first I thought someone got my SSN from the dark web but my gut told me that my mom did it. The reason why I suspected it was her because my mom is very dishonest and has stolen money from my little brother (18). Anyways, I send her text and ask her if she opened up a card and my name. No response... she shows up to my job 30 minutes later and we go to her car to talk. She immediately comes off super blase about the whole thing. Here were her arguments:

“You were there when I was applying for credit cards for you” BLATANT LIE, no such thing happened.

“ I thought that it was in my name as well and I was trying to build my credit” LIE, this isn’t even a thing.

“I’ve done so much for you. I didn’t think it would be a big deal for me to do this” what the hell?

“I always made the payments on time”

“I said I’m sorry. What do you want me to do? Are you going to keep beating this into the ground?”

She then started crying “ everyone is always against me. I always catch it. You’re so mean to me”

After simmering over the whole thing at work, my dad convinces me to forgive my mom because “ she’s a broken woman (she’s got childhood trauma) but she loves you”. So I swallowed my pride and forgave her as soon as I came home from work. She said she wouldn’t do it again and I assume that everything is alright between us.

FAST FORWARD TO THIS MORNING:
My mom comes barging into my room and orders me to come into the master bedroom so we could all talk (mom, dad, and me). My mom is INFURIATED because my dad confessed to her that I am scared of her. She then brings up the only serious argument we had where I yelled at her (over 2 years ago). The only reason why I yelled at her was because she was hitting my dad and I couldn’t take it any more! But she always conveniently forgets this.

Anyway, this morning she brings up all these little and irrelevant things and says I’m a mean daughter and that’s she’s done with me. And that she’s “not my mother anymore”. I finally break and yell bloody murder “ WHAT THE HELL HAVE I EVER DONE TO YOU?”. She freaks out and throws my hamper at me and a bottle of lotion. She then leaves and doesn’t come back until 4 and then leaves again and doesn’t come back until 9pm tonight.

This has been the most emotionally taxing day of my life. I was so willing to forgive her for the fraud but the way she acted today makes me want to distant myself from her fully. I’m so disgusted right now. And it’s awful because instead of being grateful that I forgave her she instead tried to turn herself into the victim and now expects ME TO APOLOGIZE TO HER. Fuck that. I’ll never talk to her again if that’s what it takes to do so.

**Edit/update: wow didn’t expect so many comments. My heart feels broken right now because I do love my mom but this past week she has gone off the deep end. I just realized that if the roles were switched and my dad had behaved like my mom has, I would’ve automatically considered it abuse. But for some reason it has taken me a long time to see that.

My mom left this morning at 4 am, we don’t know where she went. Before she left she told my dad “ you will be getting divorce papers”**

**Edit: my mom is now calling my work phone. Lol as if I I would discuss this at work! She’s nuts!
Also, my credit is now frozen and I have signed up for a membership with LifeLock and downloaded the app so I can get notifications on any specific activities. I hope this deters this from happening again!

Also I’m doing a credit freeze on my little brother once I get home from work**

EDIT NUMBER 3: I just checked my brother’s credit score. My mom opened up TWO ACCOUNTs and racked up $696 in credit debt. My brother is only 18 and is the sweetest person. I’m fucking LIVID.

My mom left this morning at 4 am, we don’t know where she went. Before she left she told my dad “ you will be getting divorce papers”. **

codymurp 827

Report the bitch to the police. Immediately. This is highly illegal and could end up fucking your life up for a very long time. A VERY LONG TIME.

ttalgi-jam 360

This. If anything OP, please make sure to freeze your credit and close that account. It’s $250 now, but credit records stay with you forever and you don’t want a liability like this haunting you in the future.

jedicounsellor -47

If a small show off love requires a simple apology, it might be worth giving, to maintain your relationship. It sucks but you live her and want her to be happy. We know you probably won't mean it when you say it/if you say it, nonetheless she's your mother and sometimes being right is wrong-for arguments sake. All the best and I wish you all the best in whatever decision you make on this matter

andromachenon 71

Err, the whole "nonetheless she's your mother" thing is kind of a toxic statement when it comes to abusive parents. Familial ties =/= inherent respect/tolerance of repetitive wrongdoing. In this case, OP should absolutely not have a relationship with their mother. The mother did something highly abusive and illegal and tried to get away with it. There is no "forgiveness" due here.

dlynne5 30

What kind of parent would commit identity theft on their child? A small show of love only allows narcissists to become bolder. Give a narcissist an inch and they burden you down with miles of drama. "Being right is wrong"? Is this something you have had to say about yourself or someone in your family?

SeaTurtlesCanFly 22

This comment has been removed, because you are not assuming a context of abuse. The people who post in this subreddit have lived through horrible things at the hands of the people they should have been able to trust most.

The people in this group will react differently than someone with a normal and loving parent would, because most have been abused from a very young age. It is inappropriate to talk to our posters as if they have a normal and loving parent.

If you keep commenting in this matter, you will be banned. I suggest that you head on over to the sidebar and read the rules (and make sure that you understand them) a couple of times before you comment here again.

not_a_throw_away_lol 6

You go on Quora a lot, don't you?

frankiefantastic -58

Actually, most hings come off your credit report after something like 7-10 years. I had cards that I got at 18 that were wiped by the time I was 25 and I never paid them.

linerror 66

This is absolutely terrible advice. if you don't have any credit or credit cards of your own this is probably an introductory card, with a ridiculous APR and probably an annual fee. If she defaults on "your" account you will have trouble getting a real credit card for the beginning of your adult life. Your debt will be sold to other companies over and over. Your interest rates will be ridiculous and if you actually wanted to get a loan you will probably be denied. There's absolutely no reason to tolerate someone trashing your credit. Don't even give your a nmom a chance to explain. Contact the credit card company directly inform them that you do not open this account and have it shut down now. no one is going to believe that she accidentally opened an entire account with the wrong name. This is fraud. She is a thief. And she's going to screw up your credit. She is going to get revenge on you... If you don't already have plans of living somewhere else I'd start making them.

Shojo_Tombo 30

You are very lucky they either didn't sue you to collect the debts, or one of your parents paid your bills. Debt doesn't just go away.

frankiefantastic -11

I don't know my father and I moved out at 17. No way in hell my mom would have paid it off.

frankiefantastic 1

Why am I being downvoted? My mom literally could not pay off any debts of mine since she was heavy into gambling. She didn't even have electricity for like a year and a half at one point.

ttalgi-jam 5

Should've worded it better in that debt reporting vs. debt collecting are different things, which the latter can go on indefinitely. You're correct in that some things can fall off your credit report after a certain amount of time, but why in the world would you want that liability in the first place? That's your choice that you didn't pay off debt, but I would never recommend this as an option OP should follow (fraudulent or not).

ImpossibleAlarm 114

I originally did report the cord as fraud but ended up sending a letter in the mail on Saturday stating that I take responsibility for the charge. I was trying to make peace with my mom so I did that but I think she now really doesn’t understand the severity of this. Technically my credit DID go up because of this. But I’m terrified to think what would’ve happened if I didn’t catch her. She’d never admit this but I know she would’ve maxed that card out. She did the same thing to my sister when she was 19. My brother who is 18 got his first job, making minimum wage part-time weekend hours. She took hundreds out of his bank account and my dad said he slowly put the money back in over these past 7 months. She doesn’t think any of this is wrong though because she feels 100% entitled to our shit. Because she’s such a good mom. Holy shit. I don’t know how I didn’t realize she was Narcisstic earlier.

Edit: i did freeze my credit though

Shojo_Tombo 55

All of that aside. Do you have the card in your possession, and do you have the password to the account? She could very likely be planning on maxing out that card to "punish" you for whatever imagined slight you did to her. If she won't give you those things immediately, report the card as stolen and call customer service to gain access to the account so you can lock her out.

edit: Also walk your brother through freezing his credit and make sure he opens a new bank account only he has access to. There is no reason either of your parents need to be able to access his money.

ImpossibleAlarm 53

Yes I have my card. Just found out that a few months ago my mom did the same thing to my Dad and maxed it out ($700). It’s 4 am and my mom just left with the car, before she left she went to the basement (my dad is sleeping on the couch) “you will be served papers”.

AMerrickanGirl 69

She’s doing him a favor. He’s better off without her.

ImpossibleAlarm 26

It’s sad because I feel like this is my fault. Ever since I’ve moved back, my mom has been super paranoid about my relationship with my dad.

TorazChryx 47

It's not your fault, it very much seems she was going to go off on someone. :(

CheekyKarmaOwl 37

I concur, OP. This is not your fault. My NMom used the D-word (Divorce) word as a manipulation tool all the time (Hint: my NMom isnt going to let any access to $$ go anywhere, neither is yours). She's been caught, and is trying to get everyone to apologize to her for her poor decisions. Your dad sounds like my EDad; always backing down in the end.

If you are worrying for her safety (self-harm or suicide), call the police, and let them know. Then if they see her car, they can do a wellness check. If she comes home and makes any threatening statements, call the police. Dont let her heap her responsibilities onto you for standing up for yourself. She's going to try, and that's not fair. Narcs gonna narc.

mischiffmaker 21

Are you your mother? No? It's not your fault.

It really sounds like your family dynamic is enabling her behavior.

You are all so ready to accept blame for her actions, and she doesn't have to accept any. I agree with AMerrickanGirl's comment that he's better off without her, as you will be, when you limit her ability to interfere in your adult life.

Good luck to you, this isn't an easy journey you're on.

Ihaveapeach 13

What?? Paranoid how? Like he was in love with you? Or that you guys were conspiring against her? Oh my.

This is not your fault. 100% not your fault. You are not responsible for other people’s reactions. It sucks that your mom has made you responsible for her emotional health.

This is probably cold comfort, but I will be thinking good thoughts of you today. And am sending internet hugs.

ImpossibleAlarm 22

She thinks we’re conspiring against her 100%. I haven’t hung out with my dad in 2 years one on one time because my mom is so paranoid. I only do stuff with her or with the both of them.

Ihaveapeach 8

Oh god. That sounds incredibly frustrating. And he is your bio dad? Or is he a stepdad?

You said that you reported the fraud, but then sent a letter claiming responsibility (or at least ownership) of the situation. Was this to the credit card company or the police?

This situation really sucks, and I’m sorry.

ImpossibleAlarm 9

It was to the credit card company. He’s my biological dad :(

Chunkeeguy 12

She's a sick, sick woman who's holding you and your father hostage. Get yourself some therapy to get free of her deadly web. You don't love your mother, you love the person you wish she was. She never will be that person. Sorry.

fleurettes_mom 13

.........You don't love your mother, you love the person you wish she was. She never will be that person...........

This is truer than you can accept right now . But please believe.

At 62 I am resigned to this with my own 87 year old mother. Yes, she is still the same Nmother she was my whole life. I am low contact for my own protection, both emotionally and physically.
She is not and will not be the loving mother I have always dreamed she would be. There was nothing I could do to change myself enough for her to have an ounce of compassion for me. Just the same self serving narc behavior. I actually had to grieve the loss so I could accept the truth.
Love your self. Love the people who love you back. Make friends who become family, but never let yourself be controlled by the narcs - for they are everywhere.
❤️

Shojo_Tombo 7

It's not your fault at all. She is a malignant narcissist, (based on my own experience with my narc dad) and that kind of person thrives on the misery of others, especially their own family. Her not being part of your life would probably be a weight lifted from your shoulders, to be honest. She is most likely only threatening divorce to cause you and your dad pain and confusion. If either of you rugsweep and give her what she wants, she will likely drop the matter. This is a power and control tactic used by narc abusers.

Outcast_LG 4

It’s not you’re fault. Your Mom would do the same thing to anyone birthed from her. In her mind you’re a tool to be used.

OneMoreNewYorker 2

Not your fault. She's an adult. And "my fault" is textbook for all of us. When you feel that you know it's not.

Jaedd 8

Even if you plan to absorb that $250 charge and keep the card to use for yourself (and that's a big "if" - I'm with everyone else who says you should cancel the card), please report the card lost/stolen and get a new card with a new number. Change the password to the account, and change the email address it's attached to as well. Make absolutely sure she can't access that account anymore.

VoopMaster 5

Not to be rude, but if your parents are maxing out a card with 700 bucks in a stage of life in which they have kids, they have SEVERE credit problems (as further evidenced by their repeated defrauding of your siblings). Report this to the police.

If a random stranger on the internet did this to you it would be 100% fraud, it is no different just because these people birthed you. This will not go away, this will not stop happening. Please protect yourself.

ImpossibleAlarm 6

Well yeah. They do have severe credit problems. They had to file for bankruptcy. It’s a single income household because my mom never had a career. So things got tough financially after the recession of 08.

Just want to clarify that my dad hasn’t committed fraud. My mom committed fraud on my dad and maxed out a card she got in his name. 400 dollar limit but 700 in fees.

FelineFrisky2nite 2

If you are keeping the card, you should report the card number as compromised so they issue a new number. What if your mom had “your” credit card info saved in Amazon? She wouldn’t need the physical card to make more purchases.

kjacka19 7

Doesn't know the severity or doesn't give a flying fuck?

Neloran 5

Agreed. OP, you deserve to protect yourself and your credit from ALL identity thefts, regardless if you know the thief personally or not.

CauldronFire 251

I think you need to close that credit card immediately. And freeze your credit immediately so that it takes 2 forms of identification to do this kind of stuff. Whether you press charges is up to you. But here’s hoping you get up and outta there very soon!

foxylipsforever 197

You could have her charged for fraud (the credit card) and assault (literally throwing things at you). Get out and take the steps to protect your identity. She's on a pattern with your brother and you - she won't stop and wants turn the attention away from her crimes to making you feel guilty (gaslighting.) Teach your brother how to lock down his identity as well.

If you want to a retain a relationship is up to you, but past issues does not give someone a free pass to be abusive.

ImpossibleAlarm 148

she won’t stop and wants to turn the attention away from her crimes to making you feel guilty (gaslighting)

Jesus it’s so bad right now. My heart is literally pounding from anxiety. Early today I said some things out of anger because she provoked me. For example, I said “ have you ever wondered why none of your relationships with your sibling and in laws worked out! Maybe it’s YOU”
And now she’s using that against me as proof that I’m a terrible daughter. Also, she just came in my room and was like “you’re lucky I didn’t knock you teeth out today with the way you were yelling”... to which I replied “ go ahead. Most days I don’t want to be alive any way”. And then she said “ that’s because you’re coo coo, you’re crazy”. And I snapped and said “ well you Narcisstic personality disorder and you’re a compulsive liar”.

Now she’s saying that I hate her and that I love my dad more than I love her. Omg I feel sick to my stomach.

botanicalfanatical 88

When I was a kid, my Nmom literally had me trained to say "I love you more than dad". I was an adult before those memories came to light and when I called my dad, hysterically crying, to tell him that I was wrong for all those years, that I really loved him more than my mom, I felt sick, but relieved, too. Imagine how many years he went through of his daughter coming up to him and saying "I love you, but I love mommy more".

All I can say about your situation is that nobody has a right to treat you like that. Credit is a big deal. I had an ex get a cellphone in my name and it took me 7 years to recover from it. 7 YEARS! Absolutely report it because you don't want it on your record. There are many things you cannot do with bad credit.

Your mom doesn't care about having a discussion with you, she cares about winning one, with the more witnesses to her victory, the better. She wants to present herself as the reasonable parent, and in order to do that I'm afraid she has to make you out to be the unreasonable child by contrast.

I'm 28 and have had no contact with my Nmom for almost 10 years, and I can't tell you how much better my life is for it. You don't have to have this anxiety. You don't have to fear having a simple conversation. You don't have to walk on eggshells with your loved ones. Calling a narc out will usually get you nowhere. There is this desire to make them accountable, and accept that they have hurt you. In my experience they will never do that because it's all about them. They are not capable of considering that the way you're feeling is as legitimate as theirs. That's why it's a disorder. They will not change...you have to. It's not fair. I'm so sorry that you're going through this right now. It's absolutely awful.

ChironiusShinpachi 35

I had enough of all that. I now relish making them feel shitty. "You love your dad more than me." "Sure do. He's not a shitty person." Threats of physical hard "Go ahead, I'll have you thrown in jail." And grind it in so she remembers for the rest of her life why youhave nothing to do with her. Fuck parents like this. I actually NC both parents. Equally shitty, just in different ways.

RoboAthena 22

Hey,

as sad as it sounds: there is no sense in arguing with her on this level. Don't do that. Everything you say will be turned around against you. She will not come around and take responsibility.

Try setting your boundaries. It's understandable, that you're afraid. It is your mom who is doing this to you and in an ideal world she is supposed to listen to you and to have your Back.

Now, you are a grown adult. You earn your own money. Set your boundaries and move out. The times when you needed your mom to survive are over, you made it.

renfie 8

She'll take responsibility if she gets arrested for identity theft and credit fraud...

RoboAthena 14

Yes, what I meant that she won't do it out of the goodness of her heart or because she suddenly decides that she is a mom.

renfie 6

Yeah, no she'll never do that, she's not capable. You're right

Recoveringfrenchman 9

Run.

char_maniac 7

Know that none of this makes you a bad daughter. It is not your responsibility to “fix” her either. All of this makes her a bad human and a bad mother.

glittermafiasnob 5

Are you me over a decade ago? Because holy crap.

Get out. I let that shit slide and TENS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS LATER (I literally had no support structure or internet to tell me to RUN)... I'm NC and only now picking up the pieces. That being said though, I've constantly ended up around narcissists because I'm great at tolerating them. So when you leave, keep an eye out. I'm incredibly happy with life now but it took time for me to find the good ones, and not for lack of trying. This thread has connected me to so much I wish I'd known earlier. Get out ASAP.

ImpossibleAlarm 4

Well I’m apparently a the #1 candidate for the position I’ve been interviewing for. So it looks like I’ll be getting out within the next month! Can’t fucking wait ! TO FREEDOM😭

rottentomati 1

Should* this could get out of hand really quick and if OP keeps showing that she’s going to take responsibility for the charges then when it gets out of hand, it’ll be hard to prove she didn’t approve of the charges initially.

ugottafriend 83

Freeze your credit TODAY!!!!!!!

messedupbeyondbelief 77

Cancel that credit card, and report her to the police for credit card fraud. The fact that she thinks credit card fraud is 'not a big deal' suggests she'll do it again given the chance. Also, throwing things at you is assault, and that's a criminal act that needs reporting.

Also, report her illegal transaction to the credit bureau to cover yourself. There have been a lot of stories on this sub about Ns fucking up their children's credit by taking out credit cards in the children's names, preventing them from getting mortgages, car loans, etc. I don't want to see this happen to you. And don't allow the FMs to guilt you out of laying charges, especially considering her outrageous behavior.

Bedtime_scaries 72

She might be using the credit card to intentionally destroy your credit so you can’t leave. I second what others have said, get that card cancelled and take measures to protect yourself. Financial abuse is also abuse.

VictorClark 69

I made the mistake of forgiving my NMom, because I was stupid enough to believe her when she said it was only one card. Over a year later, I discovered there were THREE cards, and over seven thousand dollars in debt. I got the cards reported and everything settled nowadays, but that woman is completely dead to me now.

I'm with everyone else here when I say freeze your credit and report the fraudulent card. Your Mom is NOT sorry for what she did; she's only sorry that she got caught. And if you "forgive" her for this breach of trust now, there's no doubt she'll keep going with no remorse.

xxnightstarxxx 38

We have almost the same mother except mine racked up $6,000, then told me I’m a terrible daughter for asking her to apologize.

I’m not going to tell you to press charges because honestly it won’t do a whole lot. It’s not a huge amount and you may not want to deal with the hassle. Just let your mom know that’s the only pass she gets, and that she needs to understand she severely betrayed your trust. She’s angry because to her, she didn’t do anything wrong so there’s nothing for you to forgive. For her to acknowledge your forgiveness is to acknowledge that she fucked up in the first place. Narcs are almost completely unable to comprehend that, their minds simply justify anything and everything.

Distance yourself from her. Close everything, change your passwords to something brand new and security questions that don’t make sense like your favorite pet being purple. You will recover and do well, you just have to understand that your mother is not someone you can trust. That really hurts, I’m not going to lie and say it doesn’t.

34HoldOn 9

She absolutely needs to report this to the police. I wouldn't necessarily say so if she just STOLE something of hers that was worth $250. I'd leave it up to her. But her mom committed identity theft, and put her credit at risk.

It's not so much about it being little, but rather about building a case against her. This is especially important if she needs any PPOs or anything against her in the future, or God knows what else. This is what the cops instructed a friend of mine to do against her ex-boyfriend. Thankfully for him, just the threat of police involvement was enough. But another friend, it took a no shit restraining order for him to back off. And it was her therapist sending a log to the police of everything that she told her that he did that firmly got that RO against him.

For real OP, identify theft is no joke. You need to freeze your credit, and report this. Build a case NOW. Because if you give narcissists an inch, they'll take a mile. Do not forgive her.Do not let her off the hook. Everyone here will tell you that forgiving their Ns was a terrible mistake. They never change. She must be held accountable for this, or she very well will do something as bad, or worse in the future. You can take that to the bank.

xxnightstarxxx 14

Speaking from someone who basically got told that I was SOL from police and who is still fighting with credit bureaus and collection agencies, I know how serious credit theft is. I’m not sure where this poster is from and obviously the circumstances aren’t the same, but I was giving advice off of personal experience. Also, building a case for the future can be done with literally any damning concrete evidence, including in some cases messages. Obviously a police report would help substantially, but that’s assuming police would take it very seriously, or that OP even wants to call police. It may be easy to talk about but it’s pretty fucking stressful.

It’s fucked up, but the easiest thing to do is call it a wash and tell your mother to not ever fucking test you again. You don’t have to forgive shit. You can if it helps you, do whatever you think is right.

34HoldOn 1

I understand. And I also understand that sometimes, police just don't give a damn to deal with small potatoes. But for a variety of reasons, she needs to report this. Again, she didn't just steal her TV, she committed identity theft. Which as you know, is royally fucked.

One or two things might not do it. But a paper trail will. One of the most important things that people fail to do is build a case. And when I learned that my SSN was stolen, I still field a police report, and reported it to SSA, which is what I was universally told to do. I certainly would do the same for credit card theft.

xxnightstarxxx -3

All that’s going to happen if she files is her mom could be fined and have a record or if they take it very seriously, she could be detained. Is that worth it to OP? She already forgave her mother, why are you telling her she needs to add more stress? OP is already racked up with anxiety from her interaction with her mom, I couldn’t imagine what it would be like after speaking to police. It wouldn’t really be her fault that her mom is dealing with those consequences, but it would damn sure feel like it. I’m saying that the easiest thing for OP is to not allow it to happen again, yet if she didn’t want to add literally 100 times more stress to her life, this is the way. I don’t like it either, and I really fucking wish there was more justice. But I guess that’s life.

34HoldOn 1

Her mom added more stress by going off on her, and making her regret forgiving her.

I, as well as most other people here agree that she needs to report this, and to hold her mom accountable. Yes, I understand the anxiety and stress. But damned if that isn't always a reason not to face an uncomfortable situation. I hear it from my brother all the time. And it's clearly why he stays in a toxic marriage that destroys him as the days go on. I guess that's easier than dealing with the stress of seeking personal justice and doing what's right for himself?

I've had friends who didn't want to deal with the stress of filing police reports. And in the end, it always turned out that they regretted not doing it much sooner. I didn't say to demand that her mom gets hauled off to prison. I said to report it to police, and get a paper trail of this behavior. She can decline to press charges, and I never said she should. But having a paper trail of this is pretty important if things ever get escalated financially or legally.

I wish there was more justice, too. That's why you don't let things slide because it's not worth the stress. Again, she didn't steal a TV. Write that off, tell mom to pound sand, move on. She committed identity theft. You don't let that slide.

xxnightstarxxx 4

Lol, obviously you feel very strongly about this. I was giving my two cents to OP and somehow I’ve ended up trying to justify that to you. You don’t have to try to prove me wrong or whatever it is you’re trying to do. I’ve said my piece and you’ve said yours, it’s up to OP whatever she wants to do next.

Bibbitybobbityboop 30

Lets hope she didn’t enjoy a shopping spree with that new card that’s in your name.

You can put a year freeze on your credit on all of the credit sites so she can’t open anything else at least.

Chocolatefix 29

DO NOT LET THIS SLIDE! DO NOT TRUST YOUR FATHER. He is either an enabler or a flying monkey. What she did is wrong, wrong, wrong. You want to have a life and it will be extremely hard to if your credit is messed up. No apartment, car, hell some jobs wont hire you if you've got messed up credit. Everything a Narc does is for them. Period. There is no rhyme or reason for her to steal it other than her wanting to hurt you and take care of her needs.

It's not okay and no one including your father should tell you to be okay with it.

TOGTFO 28

The explosive outrage is classic narc shit. They try and put you on the back foot and try and put the guilt on you, even though they are the one's who have wronged you.

They just attack and attack and keep on at you bringing up every imagined or real slight and act as though it is the most egregious offence you could have committed.

Personally I'd report the identity theft and make sure there is no other active accounts. But living with them can make that difficult.

You have a very big stick to use now and can get her for stealing your identity. Let her know that and I'd record her admitting it if you can.

prismacolorful_life 21

My cousin found out her father took out a CC in her name, AFTER HIS FUNERAL. We were all trying to figure out the massive pile/junk of papers. Oh and she and her lil sister almost lost the house because there was a notice from the city about not paying taxes. It was about to go up to auction the same month.

Look into getting a service like Lifelock to protect your identity.

starspider 17

She needs to go somewhere. Jail, a hospital, idgaf. If your dad thinks she's so broken then maybe you can push him to have her committed.

cgsur 13

Don't forgive easy, nobody appreciates easy.

SaturnFanatic05 13

FREEZE YOUR CREDIT AND REPORT HER TO THE POLICE!

ourkid1781 12

I'm sorry you had to endure this.

rachl164183 11

Close the card! I fell for this from my NMOM, over ten years ago as I am now 35, she has been through bankruptcy twice with a reasonable over 200k a year income with my dad. So I as well look at my credit report ask her for the card. She would not hand it to me. So I said I was going to cancel it. She then proceeded to scream the same things, not her daughter, how could I, she's trying to help, and then leave. While she was gone she charged up $812.00. I just got this cleared from my credit report last week. Take action now, I've been there its my best advice. Although you are upset, she's probably not and already onto her next move.

claclachann 11

Go to the police. She used your identity because she thought there wouldn't be any consequences to it. She will most likely do it again

txmoonpie1 10

Did you take the credit card from her? Have you frozen your credit. Please freeze your credit and show your siblings how to freeze their credit, explaining what your mom has done to you. And please get out of that house. Stop engaging with her. You can't win if you keep playing her games.

Hursay 10

Like everyone here is saying... Freeze credit. Report her to the police. Tell the police thats shes been violent with you in the past, violent with your father, and has stolen money / things from your younger brother before. All of this adds more supporting evidence shes a chronic abuser for the police to work with.

Do not blow off her starting a credit card in your name, she can royally screw you over long term just by defaulting on something as small as 250$ if left alone.

I hope you can get out - i recently got away from my Nfather after making the mistake of getting back in touch with him (before i realized how manipulative and horrible he treated me) and it has been an incredibly freeing experience.

34HoldOn 9

OP, I know that it's stressful, and might not seem worth it. But you need to build a paper trail. Report this. I'm not saying to demand your mom be thrown in jail, or to even press charges. But this is identity theft. It's not something to mess around with. You need to build a paper trail, should you ever need to pursue something in the future.

If you mom just stole your TV or something, then yeah, I'd just treat it like A Bronx Tale. You "paid her to leave you alone". But you mom proved that she's not sorry, and thus can't really be truly forgiven. Ns are never sorry, they never view themselves as guilty. And your mom's behavior proved it. You can't trust your mom as far as you can throw her. It's worth the stress now to get your affairs in order, should you ever have to clear things up with the credit bureaus again, or face your mom in a legal situation, etc. And take it from many posters here: Sometimes, as shitty as it is, they have to face their Ns in the legal system.

I've had friends and family in the difficult situation of whether or not to report behavior. But it all came down to that they regretted not doing it sooner.

whatadamethatjak 7

Honestly, you need to hit her with identity theft charges. I had a roommate who used to act exactly like this. She would do something dishonest, get called out on it, lie up wall and down the other, then finally admit the truth and try to flip so she's the victim. There's no winning with these people, but a stent in prison teaches them a small lesson. Worked with the roommate anyways. Worth a shot.

socialphobiafreak 6

Report the illegal fraud/identity theft ASAP. Make sure the account is closed and the card is destroyed. You can freeze your credit so it doesn't happen again.

techiejames 6

This wasn't an accident. She has stolen your identity. Call the police to get started with this. You will need to contact the big three credit reporting agencies to get a copy of your credit report from each. As well as contact the Federal Trade Commission, as well as the IRS.

I'm a fellow victim. In order to have this removed, you need to have her prosecuted, for harming you. Good luck.

LixxieLicious 6

Please, oh please, contact the police. I know it’ll be stressful, but it might help prevent her from doing this to you and your siblings even more. I just hope somehow you and your family can find some peace and maybe not have to deal with such intense financial debts even more so.

bae-glutes 5

I agree about freezing your credit cards, etc.

However, MOVE OUT. Sure it's not convenient, and it might take you longer to build your credit, but take matters into your own hands. You can't expect her behavior to change, so you need to change your environment.

Living with her gives her a sense of what she is "giving up" for you, creating (in her mind) a power imbalance that she feels gives her permission to do as she pleases when it comes to your space, emotion, and credit. This won't be the last time something egregious happens if you stay.

ImpossibleAlarm 8

You’re absolutely right! I’m in phase 3 of the interviewing process for my DREAM JOB in Chicago. They’re calling my references today and tomorrow. I’ll be devastated if I don’t get it because it’s my only ticket out right now. I can’t wait until I move out, I’ll finally be able to breathe again and be FREE.

msbeddoes 2

Keep making yourself options! You have more options than you realize. If this job doesn’t work out there are a bunch of other things you can do. Your mom has trained you to think that you can’t have good things and that living with her is the only option. She’s wrong.

bae-glutes 1

Congratulations and good luck! You are ABOVE all those things your mom did!! You can do this!!

SolluxCaptor2 5

Take👏her👏to👏court👏

SuspiciousSugar 5

If you ignore her she'll contact you and apologize. And like clockwork she'll try and turn it around against you somehow. Every fucking time it's the same story.

ImpossibleAlarm 3

She literally just texted me. All it said was “ I love you”. The calm before the storm.

SuspiciousSugar 1

Well, good luck. At least you'll know what to expect.

msbeddoes 1

Look up JADE right now! Short version: you don’t need convince your mom of anything. Just agree with anything mean she says and do what you want to do anyway. You are an adult and you don’t need her permission for anything.

Evenoh 4

You need to report the fraud immediately and your father should be thrilled that she's gone. If he's been on your side before, be prepared to help him at least a little when he's trying to work out the divorce. Don't assume responsibility for that debt, I don't care that it is not a tremendous number - it's $250 now, but she already lied to steal from you in the first place, tomorrow it could be $2500!
Forgiving an N is not about letting them do bad things to you, it's about accepting they've done bad things and you must always protect yourself from bad things happening again. You can say okay this can't happen again and not harp on it, but forgiveness is not equal to forgetting. Ns will always do bad things again, especially if they get away with it once.

She's pulling this madness so you'll not only "forgive her" but ultimately the punishment will be to pay it all off after she adds more debt to the card. Why would you reward her for fraud? No, you should give her consequences for the fraud - like police and a trial (that she'd lose).

existentialism17 3

That’s super shitty. My mom would always hold onto my SIN CARD. I just turned 20 recently and she finally let me have it only as of last year

Ryugi 3

Its time for you to talk to the law. What she did was identity fraud.

Definitely freeze your and your brother's credit if you can, but also file a police report about the fraud. Since you know who did it, its more likely to be taken seriously. You need the police report in order to get the bank who administered the card to forgive the charges.

Tell them you were coerced into signing the document that accepts the charges by an abusive parent.

Inky-flower- 3

Good job on getting lifelock and freezing your credit, i'm certain if you didn't she'd pull the same shit again in a heartbeat. Once you move out, if its possible, i think you should consider going No contact with her, for a little while at least. For both of your sakes. She clearly has a lot of mental issues and it's taking a huge toll on your wellbeing too.

Also, your dad is a total enabler. Justifying her being abusive and committing a crime because she had a bad childhood is not acceptable, especially because from the looks of it you've had a bad childhood but that doesn't mean you're going around attacking people an committing identity theft!. You should maybe talk to him about that, if it wont have too many negative repercussions.

Good luck, and I hope you and your little brother stay safe!

mudslideme 3

Your mom is abusive at a criminal level and, unfortunately, she’s not going to stay away. You and your dad both need counseling, but the main thing you should do is focus on protecting yourself and getting out of that situation. Suggest to your dad that he get help, but it’s not your job to save him.

redfoxvapes 3

I agree that everyone here says freeze hour credit, but another piece of advice - get a P.O. Box as your official mailing address. That way you can cancel your card that your mom took out and have it reissued to your P.O. Box so she can’t touch your mail.

You can set mail forwarding for your stuff through the post office to said PO Box. You can do this for you and your little brother. It’ll protect you both long term because if anything comes to the house with your name on it, you know it wasn’t by your doing.

Topher_Lee 3

I think there’s something you need to accept. Your mom will likely never have your best intentions at heart. It’s a horrible thing to have to accept about a parent, but sometimes it’s just the truth. You did nothing wrong, she did. You’re not at fault, she is. You’re the victim in this story, not her. Any issues between her and your dad are not your fault or your problem, that’s between them.

Holding any responsibility for any of this is unfair to yourself and will only harm you. Kids are not responsible for their parents actions, even when those kids have become adults. She sounds awful and you’ve been way more accommodating than you have to be. If anyone but your mom had opened a card in your name, I imagine you’d have pressed charge without consideration for the harm it would cause to them.

soyaknow 3

When people get angry like that, they deflect and she is (in her mind) controlling the situation. Being loud, adament, manipulative is all part of that. Be thankful it's smaller $amount. Best of luck in your future, glad you are getting out of there. Watch for more signs.

sparkledustfairyfart 3

Your dad is totally enabling this situation by saying that she had a traumatic childhood. What about your childhood? What about you right now? How could that be an excuse for the crap she's pulling on her own children? And why the fuck is he talking to her about something you said? He's not on your side here.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. No one deserves this.

oy_with_the_poodle5 3

If she just opened it October 1,why was an argument "I always made payments on time"? I'm concerned that this isn't the only card she has taken out in your name

ImpossibleAlarm 6

Fuck. I checked all my credit reports and that’s the only one I saw. If I find more then I for sure will call the police. If she ever does it again I’m calling the police.

gatamosa 3

Anyway, this morning she brings up all these little and irrelevant things and says I’m a mean daughter and that’s she’s done with me.

Wow. Narc comments and behaviors are so... uncanny. My mother also brings random irrelevant things, that she remembers because she considers them a slight towards her, plus calls me a terrible daughter, and that she was done with me (the day I decided to go NC). I agreed. I told her I'm such a terrible daughter, and obviously you can't tolerate me, so I'm outie 5000.

She did not see that coming.

soggylilbiscuit 2

When things have calmed down I hope that you speak with each of your siblings (especially younger kids that don't understand credit) and help them to understand how to check their credit scores and to be on the look out for this happening to them as well and what to do next if it happens.

(It may be that she's already done this to all the kids and the damage is already done)

Hugs to you. Sorry you are going through this.

PeachyKeenest 2

Get her fined for fraud.

PeachyKeenest 2

Also lol my N/EMom used that line against me on NDad about "oh they're broken, never loved, had an abusive childhood" or whatever but it DOES NOT give them permission to do credit fraud or emotional abuse and gaslighting. I hate to tell them but because of their actions we also had an abusive childhood... but it doesn't give me permission to treat others poorly like they have. Especially their own kids!

Apparently I'm a terrible person smh...

I've gotten stuff thrown at my from both parents and both parents have beaten each other. It is an unsafe place to live and the beating started from what I remember when I was about 14 or 15. Your dad is also sick btw for making you live there. He also didn't protect you. I want you to realize this truth. He didn't protect you and should have left for his and your best interest.

I know exactly how you feel. Happy to read you're leaving in a month. Make sure you have all your personal identity stuff no matter what they say and keep your money from them with no access.

mrad182 2

You have to report this. I know from personal experience. My wife was a victim of Identiy Theft. We dealt with it for more than 20 years. You can spend a year (or longer) getting it fixed then one little thing can put you back at square one (meaning you have to start all over again). This is more serious than you realize.

bitemeNo1 1

Your mom is crazy. And also awful. You need to freeze your credit she has no right to open an account with your name without your knowledge.

MsBe1969 1

Report this theft, it will continue if u do not.

Throwaway41790a 1

Wow, shame on her for robbed your brother and your future is ruined because her stupidity wanted to ruined you guys...Shame on her.. report on her.

luna-obscura 1

Wow. This hit me so fucking hard. As a recent discoverer/lurker on this sub there's a lot of things I read that are like "yeah my mom is kind of like that." But this... This is her... I feel you OP, really I do. I'm gonna give you the advice to move out as soon as you can and cut contact. I'm 27 and moved out at 19 for college. Just cut contact with her a month ago
because I came to the realization that I don't need her bullshit in my life anymore. I feel much better now that I don't have to worry about her random hateful messages about how "no matter what she does I'm never happy" and disrespecting my husband, father, etc. It wasn't an easy choice, she will always be my mother, but she's an abuser.

youaki 1

I think your mom really needs some meds and therapy...I don't say this to be mean but when my depression was at the absolute worse, I was highly unstable and irrational, a bit similar to your Mom. Of course I still think you should report her to the police or at least seek legal help. Maybe if you did take it to the police you could seek a deal to forgive it if she seeks help?

Seriou 1

Holy hell OP. I'm late to the party but your mom is off her rocker.

ImpossibleAlarm 2

Just checked my brother’s credit score, $650 dollars in debt because of her. I’m so livid. I cussed her out.

Seriou 1

Don't forget, this is your fault because it doesn't even exist and she already paid it off so it was her money anyway, and you're the one who discovered it so it's basically on you or something. /s

I hope your Dad opens his eyes a bit in this whole ordeal. Wish you well OP

rectanglethemime 1

I'm so sorry, my mother has the same tantrum tendencies.

binrobinro 1

Love that second edit. I came here to recommend LifeLock. They saved me from an $800 false charge once.

Monkborn 1

I would suggest trying to move to a LC relationship. My mother is a diagnosed narcisist and hasn't tried to make serious changes, and contacting her as little as possible has helped my mental health as well as maintain what is impo the only possible working relationship with her

btscher 1

I am so sorry, I wish I could give you a hug.

stormwaterwitch 1

Report it as fraud, FREEZE YOUR CREDIT IMMEDIATELY

MrFocusPocus 1

Leave, also look into changing your SSN in the near future. If you can't leave, ignore her and work as fast as you can to leave. Never forever ever ever in a forever... let your mom back in...I made this mistake...

ImpossibleAlarm 1

Just checked my 18 year old brother’s credit score. She ranked up $686 dollars for him. 2 cards. Both are maxed out

MrFocusPocus 1

Yup, new ssns for everyone :D! Seriously though change your SSN as she will be able to do this ANYTIME. My dad racked up thousands so I speak from experience. Good news is once you get her out your life you will experience a peace and ease of life that transcends words.

ImpossibleAlarm 2

But I read it’s virtually impossible to change your SSN. I froze both my brother’s and I’s and got LifeLock. I pray that’s enough.

Wareve 1

It's ok to not love her by the way.

I feel like this should be said. If she's an awful person, you're not obligated to love her. Or pity her. Or put up with her at all. Or feel bad about being honest to her face.

If she takes it personally, good, maybe she'll learn something. And if she doesn't, whatever, not your problem. It sounds like you've been more than tolerant. If she's determined to hang herself like this then let the horrid woman swing.

Toirneach 1

Honey, it's great you locked your credit. Have you canceled that card, too?

MikeGinnyMD 1

Literally every minute that goes by that you don't report this is tacit permission for her to continue this behavior.

Please report it.

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