15 Ways to Stay Sane Caring For an Elderly Parent

One of the most emotionally complex and difficult things a person can experience is taking care of an elderly parent. I recently spent time tending to my aging, widowed father, and thought I’d pass along these fifteen points, each of which I found to be significantly helpful during this phase of my own life.

1. Accept that things have changed. When a parent starts in any way depending upon their child, a world has turned upside down. Be prepared for that radically new paradigm. Old roles may not apply; old methodologies may not apply; old emotions may not apply. Be prepared to work from—and write—a whole new script.

2.Take it slowly. Taking care of an elderly parent is generally a marathon, not a sprint. Don’t rush it. You and they both are in uncharted territory. Let the process reveal itself to you; to the degree that you can, let whatever happens unfold organically. As much as you lead what’s happening, follow it.

3. Expect nothing emotionally. At the end phase of their life, your parent might open up to you emotionally and spiritually; they might express for you the love that, for whatever reason, they haven’t before. But they also might not do that; your parent might even more tenaciously cling to their crazy. If as you care for your aging parent you bond with them in a new and deeper way, of course that’s fantastic. But going into caring for them expecting or even hoping for that to happen is to wade into dangerous waters. Better to have no expectations and be surprised, than to have your hopes dashed.

4.Expect their anger. When you start taking care of your parent, they lose the one thing they’ve always had in relationship to you: authority. That’s not going to be easy for them to give up. Expect them, in one way or another, to lash out about that loss.

5. Give them their autonomy. Insofar as you can, offer your parent options instead of orders. It’s important for them to continue to feel as if they, and not you, are running their lives. Let them decide everything they can about their own care and situation.

6. Ask their advice. A great way to show your parent love and respect—and, especially, to affirm for them that they are still of true value to you—is to sincerely ask them for advice about something going on in your life.

7. Separate their emotional dysfunction from their cognitive dysfunction. Insofar as you can, through your conversations and interactions with your parent, learn to distinguish between their emotional and cognitive dysfunction. The patterns of your parent’s emotional dysfunctions will probably be familiar to you; those, you’ll know how to deal with. But their cognitive dysfunctioning will probably be new to you. Track it; react to it gingerly; discuss it with your parent’s health care providers. Mostly just be aware that it’s new, and so demands a new kind of response. This is a part of the process where it’s good to remember point 2.

8. Love your health care providers. During this phase of your life you don’t have better friends than those helping you care for your parent. Cleaning person; social worker; physical therapist; nurse; doctor; caring neighbor—treat well each and every person who plays any role whatsoever in caring for your parent. When they think of your parent, you want everyone involved in their care to have good, positive thoughts; you want them to want to care well for your mom or dad. Steady kindness, and little gifts here and there, can go a long way toward ensuring that’s how they feel.

9. Depend upon your spouse. You may find that your parent is more comfortable relating to your spouse than to you. Though that can certainly hurt your feelings, don’t let it. It’s simply because your parent doesn’t share with your spouse all the baggage they do with you; mainly, they’ve never been the dominate force in your spouse’s life. Your spouse and your parent are peers to a degree that you and your parent can never be. Let that work for you. Depend upon your spouse to be as instrumental in the care of your parent as he or she wants to be.

10. Protect your buttons. No one in this world knows your emotional buttons like your mom or dad does. Surround those buttons with titanium cases and lock them away where your parent couldn’t find them with a Rorschach test. Unless he or she is an extraordinarily loving and mature person, your parent is bound to at least once try to push your buttons, if only to establish their erstwhile dominance over you. Don’t let them do it. You might owe them your care; you don’t owe them your emotional well-being. With your parent, let “No buttons for you!” be your motto.

11. Prepare for sibling insanity. Expect the worst from your sibling/s. For perfectly understandable reasons, many people go positively bonkers when their parents start to die. Money; childhood mementos; furniture and possessions from the family house; money; diversified assets; money; the will … you get the idea. Prepare for the coming crazy. Do not participate in it yourself. Insofar as you must, of course protect yourself. But no amount of money is worth your dignity. [Tweet that.]

12. Take care of yourself. It’s so easy to surrender to the care of your aging parent more of your life than you should. But you serve well neither yourself nor them if you fail to take walks; to stretch out; to eat right; to make sure you spend quality time away from them. Make taking time to rejuvenate yourself as critical a part of your care routine for your parent as you do cooking their meals or making sure they take their meds. Your life still needs to be about you.

13. Talk to a friend. If you have a friend with whom you can regularly meet and talk, or even chat with on the phone, do it. During this time the input and love of a friend is invaluable to you. Sharing what you’re going through with someone not immediately involved with it can be like a life preserver when you’re bobbing in the ocean. As soon as you get involved with tending to your parent, call your best friend, and tell them that you’re going to be depending upon them to do what friends do best: care, and listen.

14. Have fun. One of the things we most need in life is the one thing we most readily jettison once we begin caring for an elderly parent: fun. Fun! Have some! Have lots! Rent a Marx Brothers movie. Wear a goofy hat. Make your parent wear a goofy hat—when they’re sleeping, maybe! Whatever it takes. But remember: a day without fun is like a day where you almost go to jail for pushing your old mom or dad down a stairwell. Whenever, wherever, and however you can, truly enjoy.

15. Pray/meditate. Life doesn’t offer a lot that’s more emotionally salient or complex than caring for an aging parent. Accordingly, then, open yourself up to God, whatever that might mean to you. Be sure to with some regularly get down on your knees, or sit comfortably in a quiet place; close your eyes; breathe deeply and slowly; and wait to come over you the peace that surpasses understanding. What you’re undergoing with your parent right now is bigger than you, your parent, or anyone else involved. Do not fail to avail yourself of the great and mighty source from whose perspective it has all, already, been resolved.

Great list! I work in a Rehabilitation Hospital and I’m tempted to print these out to give to patients.

I hate to say it, but you missed the number 11.

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

I’m glad you said something! I had two #8′s!

skip johnston

Please re-post this in 25-30 years for my kids.

Thanks.

http://www.poesies.com Gina Cirelli

When do you just let them go die alone? It’s a horrible question, but my mother is so mentally ill that she refuses to have anyone care for her at all. Last time I visited her house, it was filthy, and she lived on cigarettes, alcohol, and frozen dinners. She is mentally ill (NPD) and the one therapist she went to see in her life ended their sessions after three visits. My mother took this as she was just absolutely well and had no problems whatsoever. (Meanwhile, my aunt and I agreed that the therapist just didn’t want to deal with that mess.)

Myself, I have disengaged from her almost entirely because I am done with being used as an emotional punching bag. I send her cards for holidays and thank you notes when she sends gifts. I refuse to speak to her on the phone. My aunt (my deceased father’s sister) is pretty much the only close relative I have and she has kept my mother at arm’s length for as long as she’s known her. It helps that my aunt lives on a different coast, I’m sure, but I wish she was closer to me.

Anyway, I’m an only adopted child, so there really is nobody else to take care of my mom when she inevitably starts needing more care than she can admit to needing. She has a lot of money and boasts that she has her care all figured out and that there is “no need to worry” about her. Yes, I know this is a bid for attention and adoration. With narcissists, everything is.

I am learning my own boundaries, finally, and learning to keep them strong. But I still feel guilty letting her sleep in the bed of her own making. I pray that she will learn truth and peace and honesty by God’s intervention, and I am currently leaving her to Him.

Matt

I wish I could give this to my patients’ children as well! What would be also helpful for them is “How to stay sane caring for your very ill/elderly spouse.” Though in that case it is often more heartwarming and sweet to watch. Child-caring-for-parent is often ugly. And you’re right about spouses, John! All the time I ask a patient, “Is that your daughter?” And they say, “No, that’s my daughter-in-law!”

Allie

John, I’m glad you reposted this. I’ve read it before but it’s really timely for me.

A few months ago my father had a stroke, and overnight went from a very capable man who worked a farm by himself to someone who can’t be left alone for two seconds because he will try to get up and fall and hurt himself. He requires 24/7 care and Medicare in my state won’t pay for any kind of home care at all. If we wanted to put him in a home they would pay for that but since he becomes upset when he is in unfamiliar places or with unfamiliar people that would be literal torture.

So anyway for a month my husband and I put our jobs on hold and lived with my mom to take care of him and help her learn the routine. My husband by the way comes out as a knight in shining armor – not too many men would cheerfully help on the toilet or stay up all night calming the hallucinations of someone who’s not even blood family. But after a time we did have to get back to our lives, because the money isn’t there for both of us not to work. Which left my mom in charge.

Here’s the thing. My mom abused me as a child, both physically and emotionally. She isn’t necessarily a bad person in all ways but she was a terrible, terrible mother. John has an article somewhere about coming to terms with the fact that your parents really were bad and it’s not going to change and you just have to understand and accept the reality that some parents are bad and yours were those ones. Both my parents were abusive, actually. The usual pattern was that my mom would flip out over nothing and start abusing me, I would stand up for myself, and my father would beat me severely. I can remember protecting my head with my arms while he kicked me in the head because I spilled a glass of milk and my mother said I did it on purpose and I said I didn’t and that was talking back. I was seven. Just to give you an idea of what life was like.

But the thing is, as an adult, I came to talk to my father, and he honestly apologized and tried to make it up to me, and admitted that after his career in the military he had some anger issues, and that he tended to treat me the way he would treat a combat situation, that it was completely inappropriate, and that he hoped I could forgive him. And he changed, as a person, as he matured. Until the stroke damaged his brain I could honestly say that he is one of the wisest and most gentle people I know. My husband loves him more than he loves his own family and says he can’t imagine that my father ever had a temper.

My mother, not so much. I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that my mother is terrible, and that if I try to get answers or apologies from her, it’s a fool’s quest, because she is the same person who abused me in the first place and getting near her is just giving her a chance to abuse me again.

So I’ve learned to set limits on our relationship. I don’t have her in my house. I try to only meet with her when there are people around so she feels too embarrassed to go too far. I never talk about my dreams or anything important that she could mock. I understand that my hair is wrong, I’m fat, and my job isn’t a real job, and I’ve learned to smile and change the subject.

Living with her under stress conditions was an experience. First of all, caring for someone you love who is suddenly crazy is stressful and awful. Second, caring for my father is a full time job – according to the healthcare staffing place, if we wanted to hire 24/7 care, they would assign us 5 staffers, because fewer can’t really do it. My husband and I swore we would just smile and say whatever we had to not to fight with her, and hug each other and cry or curse her privately. And we managed that.

And my father has improved. He is mostly aware of where he is (although he sees constant hallucinations) and who we are (although sometimes I am my sister and my mother is his dead first wife). He can use the toilet by himself if someone spots him to make sure he doesn’t fall. He has to be watched constantly at night to make sure he doesn’t get up and head off though.

So, we hired some help three mornings a week and promised to take care of him two days a week so my mother would have a life, and left her to it.

Remember the part where she abused me as a child? One of the things she did when I confronted her as an adult was admit that she was so abusive to me during toilet training that one of my father’s coworker’s wife became concerned and took me into her house for a period of time until I was toilet trained. I didn’t remember this, of course. But she told it not as something she was ashamed of, but with glee, as evidence of how I was such a bad child that I deserved to be abused. The fact is my mother is not a nurturing person, and she resents anyone impinging on her time.

So now she has started making fun of my father’s hallucinations in front of company. And he has had four falls with her watching him, with serious injuries twice. Then I learned that he fell the latest time because she decided against healthcare orders that he doesn’t need supervision in the bathroom, and he got dizzy and fell with no one there. He has continence problems and she told my husband that he was doing it on purpose, he’s not a two year old, he could control it if he tried.

I don’t know what to do. She is his wife and she has power of attorney. When my husband (who can deal with her a lot better than I can because she doesn’t totally disrespect him as she does me) rebandaged my father’s arm because the bandage was so tight that his arm was swelling, she flew off the handle and accused him of using all the tape. He showed her that there was in fact still an unopened roll of tape and she threw it at his head. He was sweet to her in response and told her he knew she was stressed out and fixed the situation.

Well, we are going to help whether she wants us to or not and she can fuck herself. My father is very lonely and doesn’t get to see many people, unlike her, who thanks to the help plus us plus another friend has six days off to see her friends. But it’s hard to want to help when she is involved. And I am honestly afraid that my father will have a serious accident or illness because of her neglect. She does terrible mean things, like for example he can’t read because the stroke has taken away half his visual field. His brother send him a card. She threw it at him and told him he could read his own mail. He couldn’t even figure out how to open an envelope, I did it for him and read it to him. And this was in front of us, what is she like when no one is there?

I feel an obligation, no matter what lies between me and my father, never to let her torture anyone else the way she tortured me when I was a child. But I don’t know what I can do except to keep being sweet to her and basically bribing her to let me have continued access to my dad and try to make his life as good as I can without living there.

Please help me.

Allie

She’s already answered your question. Thank God there’s money there for her to pay people to care for her, and continue to be as kind as you can while protecting yourself.

http://www.poesies.com Gina Cirelli

Thank you, Allie. I just read your post and you could be describing my own mother. You are incredibly brave to be going into the lion’s den again, but thankfully you have your husband with you.

I don’t have any answers for you, but I will definitely pray for a kindred spirit.

http://www.enesvy.com Nicole

I think there are laws against elder abuse. It sounds like your mom may need to be reported. I’m so sorry you and your dad are going through that. I’m sure others will weigh in with thoughts.

Chris

First, you should be commended for all that you’ve done, and all that you’re doing. To be raised by basket cases and not end up a basket case is really impressive! And not only that, but to provide care to your parents after the fact is just so above and beyond. But getting to the point, I second Nicole’s comment. If you’re working with health care professionals (the ones who take care of your father while you’re away, etc.), they’ll probably be able to direct you to the right people for reporting abuse. They could also possibly help you put together a record of abuse.

I know it would be extremely hard and emotionally wracking to do this, the situation is hard enough without an abusive care-giver. Depending on what you think would be most effective, you could have a couple options:

1) Talk to her and tell her she needs to take better physical care of him, and see if that changes her behavior (looks like you may have already tried that)

2) Skip the talk and simply alert her that you’re reporting her, then report her (be prepared for whatever obstacles she’ll throw at you. Will she lie to defend herself? Would she get other people to lie for her? Could she get well-meaning but naive relatives/friends to get involved and plead her case?)

3) Just flat out report her (be prepared for whatever her reaction might be once she finds out)

Think about it, pray about it. If it’s just that she’s mean to him, while that’s sad, there’s probably nothing you can report. But if you think he’s physically in danger, you DO have options for keeping him safe. It sounds like you’ve got a good head on your shoulders, and good support from your husband, whatever decision you come to will be hard, but it sounds like you’ve got the strength to do it. I’ll be praying for you

Owengirl79

Sibling insanity…I never expected it but whoa! Please prepare for it even if you think it won’t happen. Being prepared would have solved a lot of problems. Not that the insanity would not have happened but the response would have been so much better and involved less pain.

Allie

Yeah, that would be useful, reporting the one person willing to care for him, whose presence he wakes up crying for in the middle of the night, so that he is put into a home. Not a solution, sorry. I apologize for being negative but taking him away from his own home and putting him among strangers when he is convinced everyone but me and my mother are Nazi prison guards really isn’t on my list of things to do. He’d be better off with a broken hip.

Anyone have any practical suggestions?

http://www.buzzdixon.com buzz

Spot on. Excellent advice for all with parents & elderly relatives

http://www.enesvy.com Nicole

Wow. Not the response I expected. Really, there aren’t many practical suggestions when someone is abusing someone else. I mean…maybe I misunderstood your request.

“I am honestly afraid that my father will have a serious accident or illness because of her neglect.” What answer are you looking for other than removing your dad from her care?

Jill

From my perspective (which you’ve likely already sorted out for yourself) is that your mother is a textbook DSM case of a Narcissist. So is mine, nice to meet you.

In that case, Narcissists are cowardly bullies. You know what I mean?

And for what this is worth as a practical suggestion, you may decide to pull forth all the courage within and set clear boundaries with her that include saying firmly, ‘I will remain in my father’s life and care, I will not tolerate being (ridiculed, abused, hurt) any longer, and I will put a stop to any and all violent or aggressive behavior from you. I will continue to enforce these rules for as long as you decide to break them.’ (A counselor is good here too.) You will be tested, and you will have to back up your words with actions. Again, counselors’ rule.

Narcissists aren’t used to being questioned or resisted, so it kinda shell-shocks them. They are hiding their own weakness with aggression.

This is no guarantee I know, and I am deeply sorry for all that you’re going through, but in this type of situation I would want for you to feel empowered by your own actions. That way your decisions and next steps are informed by strength and courage, rather than anger and fear.

If my magic wand was working, I’d be using it on you.

http://www.poesies.com Gina Cirelli

How can you put a stop to violent or aggressive or emotionally abusive behavior? Seriously, when you tell them you won’t tolerate it, they come back with a “watcha gonna do” response. They are mentally and emotionally about nine years old, but unfortunately, they have all the legal rights and power of an adult.

I hate to agree with Chris, Allie, but I think getting the law involved is the only way to truly protect your father. That is the only thing that narcissists respect.

Michelle M

Allie, I am also a little surprised at the harsh response to Nicole and Chris. I can’t imagine the pain you are in, but please don’t chew out people who are trying to help. Their advice IS practical . . . if you are defining practical as “get the victim away from the abuser.” That’s how I define it. So I am also wondering what kind of advice you are looking for. After what you have shared, I don’t think many people are going to recommend that your dad stays with your mom.

It looks like you have two choices: put your dad in a home (where he can get medication and/or counseling for his hallucinations, the medical care he needs, and where mom’s visits will be supervised), or leave him with mom, who has already committed criminal neglect against him. My advice is to choose the first one, because I don’t believe he’d be “better off with a broken hip.”

Furthermore, the aides that are coming in will probably be obligated to report your mom at some point, and then all hell will break loose. It’s best to make a decision before that happens.

I’m sorry for what you are going through. There are no easy answers.

mike

Exceptionally well done, John! Having gone through this experience, I wish I’d had these insights.

I would especially highlight #7 and #11.

#7 My Dad – who was an awesome Dad when we were kids – has become downright mean as he has aged. After he had a stroke at 69, his mean-spiritedness reached new heights of ugly. Our family’s biggest challenge is discerning between pre-stroke behavior and post-stroke emotional and cognitive dysfunction. Highly intelligent, my Dad quickly learned he could blame his on-going foul behavior on the organic damage from his stroke.

His Dr. soon alerted us to this simple plan: when he says, “I just can’t help what I say sometimes,” we respond with, “of course we understand, but when you are of a mind to say that you “just can’t help what you say,” that is also a great moment to apologize for your harsh words.” He never apologized for anything in his life, but as he will sometimes make apologies now, it allows us to find that line between between the pre-stroke personality and post-stroke trauma.

#11 – sometimes, you will need to tackle siblings and other family members head-on, even to legal action. My grandmother wished to finish out her life in her own home. In order to do so, she required 24hr nursing care, an significant expense which she could afford, but an expense which was going to most likely wipe out the bulk of her assets.

If order to protect their inheritance, a sibling of mine, an Aunt, and two cousins attempted to gain control of her assets to “protect her” and to force into assisted living where “she could be properly cared-for.” It took a couple of rounds in court to slap them down.

It was ugly, and I’ve never forgiven these family members for what they would have done to her, but it the ugliness was worth it.

I know her last days were spent at home, with excellent round-the-clock care, able to receive and entertain her friends, play bridge when she felt like it, and knowing she wouldn’t be forced into a facility an hour away in which she would be alone (her old girl friends can’t drive that far anymore, and, of course, none of those who wanted her institutionalized live close enough to visit except once of twice a year.)

Chris

It’s clear that you just want everyone to be as happy as possible, but I’m afraid there’s no magic answer to your situation. If you don’t see any recommendations here that you’re comfortable with, maybe we can at least offer some thinking points to help you come to your own decision. For instance, Michelle M. makes a really good point, if your mother is being abusive or criminally neglectful, it’s entirely possible that someone else will alert authorities, which would just be a whole ‘nother bag-o-bees. Some other things to think about: Which would be best/worst for your father, that he *think* he’s physically in danger, or that he actually *be* in physical danger? Or, as an adult looking back on when you were being abused as a child, what outside intervention do you think would have helped you the most? What could someone have done on your behalf to have kept you safe? Maybe that’s your answer to your father’s situation. Good luck with everything.

kim

Before it is too late ave your parents fill out and sign their wishes for their end of life care.

The one I filled out and gave to my kids is called Five Wishes. They have a web site. After the booklet is filled out it lets your family and doctors know:

Who you want to make health care decisions for you when you can’t make them.

The kind of medical treatment you want or don’t want.

How comfortable you want to be.

How you want people to treat you.

What you want your loved ones to know.

kim

Before it is too late ave your parents fill out and sign a durable power of attorney so that you can manage their finances, also get them to sign one for medical care. Of course if your parents don’t trust you they won’t do it. Then follow John’s advice.

Jay

“But remember: a day without fun is like a day where you almost go to jail for pushing your old mom or dad down a stairwell.”

Now, this quote is hysterical. Not that I would ever consider this ~ but John knows his ‘crazy family’ happenings very well.

Thanks so much for the laugh.

Just one thing – a child, in my view, should never be a Power of Attorney, unless there is absolutely no one else to take on the responsibility, and especially NO other siblings.

Molly

This is very helpful. We moved my 70-year-old mother in with us two months ago, and it is not working out. She has a compulsive eating problem and we cannot afford to keep up with her overeating and strange eating habits, like picking things up off of the car floor and eating them or stealing food from my children’s plates and lying about it.

She has weird issues about authority. We set some limits and boundaries with her from the get go and she has continued to ignore them. Simple things like, wear clothing around the house. My husband has seen her naked, eating directly from the fridge in the middle of the night or sitting, naked, in our computer chair looking at stuff online in the middle of the day. She doesn’t seem to think she’ll get caught. I don’t know what this is, or how to handle it.

She sleeps day and night and refuses to shower or brush her teeth. I know that’s depression. I’m having a very hard time finding anyone who can see her who takes Medicare and is taking new patients.

Lying seems to come easier to her than telling the truth. She lies about everything, little and big. I’m trying not to diagnose her, but it would help me understand better. I want to know how to handle this stuff. It is really stressful.

She has not set up a good financial situation for herself. She gets $700 a month in social security and has used up most of her retirement already. We would like to put her in an independent/assisted living environment , but how could she afford that? We certainly cannot.

I am sinking. We are only two months in and I can’t see this getting any better. Advice???

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

I’m going to bring this comment into a blog post, Molly, and then answer it there.

http://www.sewducky.com Sew Ducky

Sometimes it seems all I do is take care of someone. I have a toddler, a teenager, a spouse with PTSD, and both my parents aren’t in good shape. Every one of my siblings have told me it’s my responsibility with them because they have their own lives to lead.

I will say, you forgot humor. Fun is one thing, but it’s quite another to be able to see the lighter side of things.

Yesterday I got up, held the toddler and got peed on. I no sooner got her cleaned then I had to go make my Dad breakfast (I do live next door), because he was too shaky to do it himself, my mom’s balance was out and the man doesn’t eat.

I get home, toddler wants up. Hey, I’m already peed on, so I pick her up and she pukes on me. Then my husband had a meltdown (anxiety), and drama from the teen quarter.

All in pee/puke clothes.

6 hours later, I finally get a shower, get clean clothes on…and have a call. Mom had an accident! So I go clean her floor (my parents can’t bend over) come home for some well deserved coffee…and I get peed on again.

Come on, there’s some funny right there.

JMC

If she has a Medicare card, I assume she is in the US. Do you have a geriatric or neurology practice within driving distance to your home? Please make an appointment for her so that she can be evaluated. Her behavior is indicative of cognitive impairment or mental illness.

As for her meager income and lack of savings, she will easily qualify for medicaid benefits that will cover her care in a skilled nursing facility once she is evaluated and determined to need skilled nursing care. You just need to marshall up her bank statements and a list of other assets, deeds etc. If she still has mental capacity, I strongly urge you to consult with an attorney about executing a power of attorney or springing power of attorney (takes effect when the person is determined incapacitated by a physician). Anticipate that most of her remaining assets will be used to pay for her care and then Medicaid will cover the remaining expense. Best wishes.

Louisa

Well, I certainly think you deserve a whole bunch of awards right there.. finding things funny when we’re exhausted and close to losing our identity is more than admirable!.. I thought I had it tough being single (no chance of a relationship and children now I’m in my 40s and caring for my parents)….. you’re a full blown circus with all of that juggling!… Keep laughing and thanks for the inspiration!

Ray Prescott

A good friend of mine, elderly lady, of sound mind was railroaded to a retirement community 1500 miles from her hometown. Her husband and kids conspired in this action and sold off or gave away all her most precious possessions including most of her clothes, cookbooks and hobby items like her knitting supplies. We visited her when we could but she spent the last 5 years of her life mostly alone, totally miserable, cutoff from her friends, and never got too see her grandkids and great grandkids. Money was not the issue. Her networyh along with her husband was over 2 million and one of her sons was worth at least 50 million.

With her passing, my wife and I would like to buy a book in her honor on how to respect the wishes of elderly parents and relatives to be donated to our local library. Do you have any suggestions. Maybe one of yours?

Thanks so much for your time on this.

Dona Smith

i am giving this testimony cos l am happy My name is mrs. Dona Smith from Houston,taxes.i never believed in love spells or magic until i met this spell caster once. when i went to Africa in December this year on a business summit. i ment a man called dr. ADAGBA.He is powerful he could help you cast a spells to bring back my love’s gone,misbehaving lover looking for some one to love you, bring back lost money and magic money spell or spell for a good job.i’m now happy & a living testimony cos the man i had wanted to marry left me 3 weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down cos our relationship has been on for 2 years… i really loved him, but his mother was against me and he had no good paying job. so when i met this spell caster, i told him what happened and explained the situation of things to him..at first i was undecided,skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try. and in 6 days when i returned to taxes, my boyfriend (is now my husband ) he called me by himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with his mom and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married..i didn’t believe it cos the spell caster only asked for my name and my boyfriends name and all i wanted him to do… well we are happily married now and we are expecting our little kid,and my husband also got a new job and our lives became much better. in case anyone needs the spell caster for some help, email address adagbaspiritualtemple@yahoo.com Great ADAGBAi thank you very much thank you in 1000000 times.. if not you i would have been losted and wasted thank you. please make sure you contact him for any financial difficulties okay.. What a powerful man such as Dr ADAGBA.. he is so much powerful..\ email him for any difficulties.. adagbaspiritualtemple@yahoo.com

../…

Martins Lanaya

I am very happy, I wish to share my testimonies with the general public about what this man called Dr Adodo has just done for me , this man has just brought back my lost Ex husband to me with his great spell, i was married to this man called Steven we were together for a long time and we loved our self’s but when i was unable to give he a child for 2 years he left me and told me he can’t continue anymore then i was now looking for ways to get him back until a friend of mine told me about this man and gave his contact email (dradodojattotemple@yahoo.com) then you won’t believe this when i contacted this man on my problems he prepared this spell cast and bring my lost husband back, and after a month i miss my month and go for a test and the result stated am pregnant am happy today am a mother of a baby girl, thank you once again the great Dr Adodo for what you have done for me, if you are out there passing through this same kind of problems you can contact he today on his mail ( dradodojattotemple@yahoo.com) and he will also help you as well

Kim Baccellia

This has been so hard for me. Mother-in-law ‘decided’ to move down here from Utah. She’s never been really nice to me or any of her inlaw children. I really tried to go over and help. I brought my 13 yr old over so he can have ‘grandma’ time. But two weeks ago was the limit. While at Target, she threw some hair accessories at me, stormed out of my car, and then told husband that I pushed her too hard. She also told husband that she doesn’t want to play Bingo at her assistant living place as it’s gambling and to top it off she thinks we should talk about this. I’ve had it. I tried so many times to take her places(she doesn’t like that I’m there with her), to trying to get her active in her assistant living place(she doesn’t want to be friends with anyone as they might take advantage of her). She’s made snide comments about my weight, how I’m not a good Mormon, to how I need to just shut up and be a passive listener to her complaints. If my husband does put his foot down, she calls his sisters in Utah and makes a huge drama moment.

I’ve been taking more ‘me’ time and agree so much with your comments on how you need to do this or else you’ll get ill. I also believe in setting boundaries. Right now I need a huge break from her. It’s hard. Very hard.

The saddest thing is that my 13 year old sees how she treats me and asks me, “Mommy, promise me you won’t treat my girlfriend, wife like that.”

BarbaraR

This has to be incredibly frustrating for you. And it sounds like your husband isn’t backing you up, so there’s the divide-and-conquer going on in addition to her abuse.

I hope that you can schedule some serious alone time so you can get some relaxation in and be able to clear your thoughts, as well as get your ducks in a row.

Kim Baccellia

Thank you. This has been hard on husband too as he feels guilty and hates confrontation. He did talk to her last night and told her that it was up to me whether or not I would talk with her. He also told me that I don’t have to apologize to her. I agree. I grew up in a verbally abuse home and just feel that I don’t deserve to be treated this way. And I won’t.

Yes, I’ve been scheduling more ‘me’ time. I have to or I’ll lose it. I joined a yoga studio and practice that at least 3xs a week. Also been more active in my writing community. I’m a YA author and just last Saturday I was awarded a pin in the romance writers association which is huge. It is so nice to be told that I’m talented and a good person. Plus, took a mini vacation to see my own mother who reinforced how much she loves me. That really helps.

http://allegro63.wordpress.com/ allegro63

Congrats on the award. That is major. Good for you! Writing is such a rewarding talent in so many ways. Your husband is right, you have no need to apologize. His mother may be a force of nature, but his support is still needed, even if both of you are the non-confrontational type. A united front will be a huge help.

You can also make it obvious that you don’t care for her tones in sneaky passive aggressive ways. You could…only a suggestion of course, make a compilation CD that includes Aretha’s “Respect” Jewel’s, “Beautiful”, Queen’s “Fat Bottom Girls, Tina Turner’s “Simply the Best.” AC/DC’s “Whole Lotta Rosie” Alicia Keys’ “Girl on Fire” and of course Pink’s “F-ing Perfect”. Play it when you are in the car with her, and sing along with gusto. It may also serve to remind you that you are gorgeous, talented and perfect just as you are, no matter how much you weigh, how dimpled your thighs, or how often you rock pants with stretchy waist bands. (written while wearing my own rocking stretchy waist banded pants…at WORK!)

Morgana

Your mother in law may have a personality disorder. Sometimes this manifests itself in the behaviors you mention. In which case you can almost see it as an undiagnosed disease and not completely under her control. But still, take care of yourself and keep your boundaries. Just don’t expect reasoning to work. Lived it myself so I empathize. In my case it was my own mother, so I am a wee bit jealous that you at least have a healthy loving mom to talk to about the subject and life. Peace.

Jon H

My brother have gone completely nuts… I have been looking after my mother for years. She is 91… I been having nightmares.. Last night I had a dream that my brothers were trying to kill me.. They were chasing me down, torturing me, they tried to break my knees… I ran into this house for help, they killed the people in this house because they were afraid they’d be witnesses… A few night before I dreamed that my mother was slumped over in a back of a car from heat exhaustion because my brother was neglecting her… About 5 weeks ago my brother came into the house where me and my mother lived… He said he was taking her to lunch… 4 hours later I called them and he said he was taking to stay with my uncle… I said Pete, she doesn’t have her cloths or anything, come back to the house and talk about it… He hung up… I called the police… My brother Pete was a cop also.. It seemed like they sided with him and let him just take her out of the house where she’s been living 30 years.. He was claim that I spend 5000 dollars of my mother money… I went to the bank a few week earlier with my mother and explained to the bank that it was things we needed for the home.. I do all her shopping and driving for her… A few weeks earlier this crazy women keep on calling the house… She wanted to get my mother to go to this knitting group.. My mother barely knits.. The other women there are much better, and kind of make fun of her and make her feel bad.. . Her knees are bad and hard for her to get around… This women left a bunch of messages that my mother knew of.. She called the house phone and my cell phone… She was complaining that I sold my mother 1995 Bonneville… My mother got into an accident the year before… The police said that I should watch her driving… The Bonneville had two bad cylinders and a bad engine… I sold it for junk… Sometimes my mother would get upset and want to drive… My mother brought the car from my brother who brought it new… She paid off the loan he had years earlier… I went to the police to file harassment charges against this women, she called APS on me… My oldest brother who was selling his house wants my mother to move in with him… He has been bugging my mother for years to sell the house… In the 1980s he did the same thing… He gave her real bad advice… 15 acre farm in New Jersey, she sold for 210 thousand dollars… This crook lawyer scammed my mother out of something worth at least twice that…All on my brother advice… Then he tells her to invest the money in the stack market and she loses an additional 20 thousands… It all boil down to my brother want my mother to sell her home and each one wants to control her finances… He tried to trick her into signing a power of attorney, but she didn’t… Now she is older, I am afraid for her welfare.. My mother has been going back and forth from my two brothers houses.. The two that are trying to get POA and control her finances… They bully her, one time I seen my mother with a black eye… My brother has a violent temper… What should I do? I try talking with my brothers, but they refuses… They took my mom away from a house and environment she been in for 30 years…

sarah

LOVE SPELL

This powerful White magic love spell is tailored to bring your lover back in your arms permanently and with no delay. I use the best spell casting techniques to make your lover come home. This spell is customized to your situation and deals specifically with the barriers that have risen between you and your ex-partner. One by one, all obstacles will be removed until your lover realizes that leaving you was a mistake and desire nothing but coming back into your arms.you can also contact him in is email address /dr.kokotemple@gmail.com

sarah

My husband has abandon me and the kids for the the past 5months now, and refuse to come back because he was hold on by a woman whom he just met, for that, my self and the kids has been suffering and it has been heel of a struggle, but I decide to do all means to make sure that my family come together as it use to, then I went online there I saw so many good talk about this spell caster whose website is Dr.kokotemple@gmail.comso I had to contact him and in just 3days as he has promised, my husband came home and his behavior was back to the man i got married to. I cant thank the spell caster enough what he did for me, i am so grateful.

Murphy Chloe

Hello friends i want to share my testimony and how grateful i’m since my lover came back to me because of the grate help Lord Masuka whose email address is lordmasukaspelltemple@hotmail.com.com render to me. my boyfriend broke up with me first week of july this year because he thought i was cheating on him, he told me that his friends has been telling him that i have been seeing someone else when he is not around i tried to make him understand that his friends are lieing to him but he did not give me the chance to explain to him this was how he left me. after a month of our breakup i tried to live a normal life without him but it was very hard for me to cope then i decided to contact Lord masuka via his mobile number +2347053105287 and his email address lordmasukaspelltemple@hotmail.com which i came across this months September 12th during my search looking for help how to get my lover back he cast a love spell for me and make my lover to come back to me within the period of 48hours. with this grate joy in my heart i want to say a big thanks to lord masuka he is the best spell caster and he is the best solution. bye

eriannamoric

After the fifth year relationship with my boyfriend, he changed suddenly and stopped contacting me regularly, to come up with excuses not to see me all the time. He stopped answering my calls and sms to me and stopped me regularly. Then I started to catch him with different girls several times, but each time he told me that I love and I needed some time to think about our relationship.But can not stop thinking about him, so I decided to go online and vi so many good talk about this caster and I communicate with him and explain my problems to him.He a love spell for me, which I use and after two days, my boyfriend turned to me and began to contact me regularly and we moved in together after a few months and he was more open to me than before and began to spend more time with me than his friends. Finally we got married and now we have been happily married for 3 years, with a son. From Dr.TRUSTde TRUELOVESPELLTEMPLE@GMAIL.COMme helped my partner is very stable, faithful and closer to me than before.You can also contact the caster and get your fix relation Email: TRUELOVESPELLTEMPLE@GMAIL.COM

julei lucas

My name is sarah dixon, am from Dublin. i want to use this opportunity to thank my great doctor who really made my life a pleasurable one today. This great man DR.Zaza brought my husband back to me, i had 2 lovely kids for my husband, about 3 years ago i and my husband has been into one quarrel or the other until he finally left me for one lady. i felt my life was over and my kids thought they would never see their father again. i tried to be strong just for the kids but i could not control the pains that torments my heart, my heart was filled with sorrows and pains because i was really in love with my husband. Every day and night i think of him and always wish he would come back to me, until one day i met a good friend of mine that was also in a situation like me but her problem was her ex-boyfriend who she had an unwanted pregnancy for and he refused to take responsibility and dumped her. she told me that mine was a small case and that i shouldn’t worry about it at all so i asked her what was the solution to my problems and she gave me this great man phone number and his email address. i was doubting if this man was the solution, so contacted this great man and he told me what to do and i deed them all, he told me to wait for just two day and that my husband will come crawling on his kneels just for forgiveness so i faithfully deed what this great man asked me to do and for sure after two days i heard a knock on the door, in a great surprise i saw him on his kneels and i was speechless, when he saw me, all he did was crying and asking me for forgiveness, from that day, all the pains and sorrows in my heart flew away,since then i and my husband and our lovely kids are happy.that’s why i want to say a big thank you to drzazaspelltemple100@hotmail.com This great man made me to understand that there no problem on earth that has no solution so please if you know that you have this same problem or any problem that is similar, i will advise you to come straight to this great man. you can email him at: Email: drzazaspelltemple100@hotmail.com or call+2348103508204 .

Carolyn

Hello every body. Mark brown Williams Am Mark Raven, from USA, Last year I broke up with my girlfriend due to many misunderstandings and I remember very well how hard I had to fight to get her back. She changed her number, changed her job so that I don’t visit her office and none of her friends would give me any information about her. The only thing I could do was to go where she stayed but that was way too risky looking at the fact that her parents were very strict and she had three elder brothers and none of them would Allowed a guy who has hurt her sister. I still took my chances, so i looked for a way to get her back then a friend recommended me to contact a great spell caster called prophet lord of that solutionoflovespelltemple@gmail.com he will help me and as my friend said prophet harry helped me to bring back my girlfriend just in 3 days Now I have her back and this is the biggest joy of my life Mark Raven am saying thanks to prophet lord he is a great man you can email him now, solutionoflovespelltemple@gmail.com

Carolyn

Hello every body My Names is Sandra Caparas ,AM from United states .i never believed in love spells or magic until i met this spell caster once when i went to Africa in June last year on a business summit i meet a man called Dr iayaryi, is powerful he could help you cast a spells to bring back my love s gone misbehaving lover looking for some one to love you bring back lost money and magic money spell or spell for a good job i m now happy & a living testimony cos the man i had wanted to marry left me 4weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down cos our relationship has been on for 3 year i really loved him, but his mother was against me and he had no good paying job so when i met this spell caster, i told him what happened and explained the situation of things to him at first i was undecided,skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try and in 6 days when i returned to taxes my boyfriend (is now my husband ) he called me by himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with his mom and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married i didn’t believe it cos the spell caster only asked for my name and my boyfriends name and all i wanted him to do well we are happily married now and we are expecting our little kid and my husband also got a new job and our lives became much better in case anyone needs the spell caster for some help his email address: driayaryi2012@hotmail.com

Mitchelle Andres

I am by name Mitchelle Andres from United states, i want to use this opportunity to thank the Great DR OVIA for helping in getting my Ex husband back to me, i have been in great pains until the day i contacted DR OVIA he casted a love spell for me and told me to wait for just 12 hours that my Ex husband will call me and i did according to the instructions given to me by him and surprisingly, in 12 hours, my Ex husband really called me and started apologizing for all he had caused me. I am the happiest Woman on earth today because DR OVIA has done a wonderful deeds in my life and i will continue to share this testimony, if you would love to contact DR OVIA and if you know you are encountering same condition, visit him today by contacting him via this valid email address: droviasolutioncenter@yahoo.com or droviasolutioncenter@gmail.com or contact him through his website on http:droviasolutioncenter.webs.com or call +2348054049995 Thanks…

Mitchelle Andres

I am by name Mitchelle Andres from United states, i want to use this opportunity to thank the Great DR OVIA for helping in getting my Ex husband back to me, i have been in great pains until the day i contacted DR OVIA he casted a love spell for me and told me to wait for just 12 hours that my Ex husband will call me and i did according to the instructions given to me by him and surprisingly, in 12 hours, my Ex husband really called me and started apologizing for all he had caused me. I am the happiest Woman on earth today because DR OVIA has done a wonderful deeds in my life and i will continue to share this testimony, if you would love to contact DR OVIA and if you know you are encountering same condition, visit him today by contacting him via this valid email address: droviasolutioncenter@yahoo.com or droviasolutioncenter@gmail.com or contact him through his website on http:droviasolutioncenter.webs.com or call +2348054049995 Thanks…./

mark

Hello, my name is Miss faith, I’m from USA. I want to inform you all that there is a spell caster that is genuine and real. I never really believed in any of these things but when I was losing Garvin, I needed help and somewhere to turn badly. I found consultant.odia spells and i ordered a LOVE SPELL. Several days later, my phone rang. Garvin was his old self again and wanted to come back to me! Not only come back, the spell caster opened him up to how much I loved and needed him. Spell Casting isn’t brainwashing, but they opened his eyes to how much we have to share together. I recommend anyone who is in my old situation to try it. It will bring you a wonderful surprises as well as your lover back to you. The way things were meant to be.” you can contact the spell caster on ogbonispelitemple@hotmail.com he’s very nice and great. ………………….

http://inlpcenter.org/i-hate-my-husband/ thank you

This was even faster than I could dream of. Thank you for taking time to listen to me and answering all my emails. I feel emotional strong again. My confidence is back and I see my future clearly. I am forever grateful for your help in re-uniting me with my old lover,my name is Carol Andersen my lover left me but dr ogogodu help me to get back my lover i am give my own testimony contact him for help and get your testimony too. Email: ogogodutempleofsolution@gmail.com Cell number:+2348078999655