Filthy is powered by Vocal creators. You support Edward Anderson by reading, sharing and tipping stories... more

Filthy is powered by Vocal.Vocal is a platform that provides storytelling tools and engaged communities for writers, musicians, filmmakers, podcasters, and other creators to get discovered and fund their creativity.

How does Vocal work?Creators share their stories on Vocal’s communities. In return, creators earn money when they are tipped and when their stories are read.

How do I join Vocal?Vocal welcomes creators of all shapes and sizes. Join for free and start creating.

Tug a Lug

Why do some men grab their crotch?

There are a few pet peeves I have. Slow Wifi, chewing with your mouth open, MAN BUNS, and men grabbing their crotch in public. In the privacy of their own home, that's one thing, I have a choice as to whether or not I want to be there. In public though, they are forcing me to watch them essentially masturbate. I'll be accused of exaggerating, but we all know deep down that it's true. It's never just a quick readjustment, they are down there groping it like it's a pool cue. It's a miracle that they don't visibly orgasm. Why do guys have to fondle themselves in public?

So what is making me rant about this? I was at Cedar Point recently with my bestie and his hubby. As we walked around the park, I noticed that straight guys grabbed themselves whenever their girlfriend/wife/side piece/stalking victim came near them. It was as if they were saying, "Yeah, I got the good stuff that you don't want." And yes, I believe that a disproportionate amount of straight guys grab their junk. I'm not saying gay men don't do it, but at least we have the decency to have sex after we do and rarely in public.

A friend and I were discussing it, trying to come up with a viable theory. She said maybe they were just hot, sweaty, and uncomfortable down there. I can see that, I understand it. But I think it's a hogwash excuse. First, if that was the case, all men would be doing it all the time. Downstairs is like a furnace that doesn't realize it has reached the desired temperature. Second, if this was the case then it would not just happen when around someone they wanted to or are having sex with. When these guys are around their "bros," it's as if their dicks don't exist.

The next theory that we discussed and dismissed was that they were simply adjusting themselves. Sometimes the old wand falls into an uncomfortable position and you just need to get it back to a comfortable place. This would be acceptable if they didn't keep tugging at it like they were trying to start a lawn mower. With the way that they grab it and move it, there's no way they were uncomfortable. If anything they want other people to be uncomfortable or to whip out their cameras and film a porn. Either way that theory is dead.

Maybe they are afraid that it fell off. With the way that these guys are groping themselves, that seems to be a good theory. I mean my word, they are making sure it's attached to their bodies and not coming off. Let me assure you guys, I have one too and I promise you that it is not coming off without the aid of a knife and plastic surgeon. If you don't believe me, you can ask a doctor. They will tell you the same thing that I just did. It's pretty securely fastened to your body, it's not like the bookshelf you bought from Ikea.

So why do straight guys grab themselves? Only they know, and the ones I asked for quotes on this article refused to answer or denied that they did it. It is quite possible that they don't realize that they are at risk for being ticketed for jerking it in public. Or maybe they are too embarrassed to be called out on it. Something I don't blame them for, I wouldn't admit that I did it either.