Man losing valiant struggle against burrito

CALGARY – Fighting the urge to just give up and walk away in shame, a local man is currently in the midst of a heroic – but losing – battle to finish the rest of his burrito.

At first, onlookers gathered to watch the late-night melee between Gary Klien, 27, and the burrito, shouting “Bite! Bite! Bite!” and cheering whenever Gary would finally land a long awaited chomp, but that enthusiasm turned to pity as it became clear the man was being bested by the wrapped cylinder of wheat, meat and guacamole.

“This is crazy! I told him he didn’t have to do this,” said Klein’s girlfriend of three years, Samantha Barnes. “But he’s stubborn. Now I worry this burrito will bruise his ego so badly that he’ll never recover.”

“I never wanted any of this.”

The altercation reportedly began after the couple left a bar with some friends, when Gary suddenly exclaimed he could “completely destroy a burrito right now.” However, underestimating how much beer and fries he’d already consumed that evening, the burrito quickly gained the upper hand, sustaining minimal damage before slowly subduing its opponent.

Witnesses say the man has at least half of the burrito to go and has been overheard giving himself a pep talk to keep going, saying things like, “you can do it,” and, “this is for you Samantha,” despite the obvious foregone conclusion that the burrito has clearly won this round.