Grand Motherhood Should Be Free Of Age Discrimination

Dear Miss Manners-I had my only child when I was 37. He now is 8 years old, and when we go places, someone inevitably asks whether I am his grandmother. At 46, I am old enough to be.

Although it doesn`t bother me too much, it acutely embarrasses the person who asks. When I reply, ``No, he is my son,`` I know the person asking must feel like going through the floor.

Is there a tactful way I can put these people at ease? I am sure there are other 46-year-old mothers of small children who find themselves in the same predicament. What do you suggest?

Gentle Reader-You might reply, ``No, my mother is.`` In the moment it takes people to figure that out, you can smile blandly in reassurance that you are not mortally wounded.

However, on behalf of those other 46-year-old mothers, Miss Manners requests that you keep enough restraint in that smile to show that you are not tickled by the mistake. Let us not put people so much at ease with the foolishness of hazarding unnecessary and possibly offensive guesses that they go on doing it.

Dear Miss Manners-I am a 32-year-old married woman who has decided to stay home and raise her children full time. I am much happier at home with the children than at work analyzing financial statements.

I was divorced 12 years ago, with an infant to raise alone. I went to college, graduated and began a career. A year later I remarried, and now I have a beautiful 19-month-old son.

What do I say to people, such as uncles and aunts, when they ask when I will go back to work? Some even are rude enough to say that I have wasted a fine education to become only a housewife.

Gentle Reader-My, how times change. When Miss Manners was a girl, a lady with a job would be asked repeatedly when she was going to give up such self indulgence and return home where she belonged. My, how little manners seem to improve.

While waiting, as Miss Manners has been all these years, for people to forgo the rudeness of asking women why they don`t change their lives to conform with current fashion, there is not much point in arguing. To reply with any general statement of what is best (``I believe that mothers should be at home when their children are small``) is to fall into the trap of denying that each woman is entitled to use her own best judgment about herself.

The answer to when you will return is obviously when you feel like it-which may be soon, never or when your son gets married. A more polite way to put it is a languid, ``Oh, I don`t know-some day, I suppose.``

Dear Miss Manners-In a very nice restaurant, we were kept waiting for dinner longer than usual. The waiter came to our table and apologized for the delay. I thanked him and said, in a polite way: ``Good! I am starving.`` Did I do something wrong?

Gentle Reader-Is it rude to let restaurant employees suspect that the real reason you are there is to eat? Well, no.

Miss Manners spends a lot of energy trying to persuade people not to make it clear to their friends that food is the main attraction for them at dinner parties. If dinner at someone`s house is late or not to your taste, you are supposed to remember that it was chiefly their company and conversation you wanted.

The waiter neither entertains such an illusion nor desires it. You are quite at liberty to tell him politely that you would like to eat.

Dear Miss Manners-I would appreciate your comments on what I consider an irritating practice by non-profit organizations, both charitable and political. I refer to solicitations for contributions by mail or telephone, wherein a minimum amount is indicated.

When a solicitor tries to coerce me into donating no less than a suggested amount, I think it is a crude act. It has alienated me from contributing to many organizations in whose activities otherwise I would have liked to participate.

I have explained my objections many times by telephone and by written comments on their forms, to no avail. I think of a contribution as a voluntary gift on my part, in an amount to be determined by me. I would value your opinion as to whether I am ``nuts`` or ``a dinosaur`` with respect to my position on this.

Gentle Reader-Miss Manners wishes that people who dislike crassness would not offer the tacit concession that it is a legitimate part of modernity. Wishing to be treated with dignity is a sign of neither mental incompetence nor unfashionableness. Ordinarily, she takes pains to request people to separate the worthiness of an organization from the manners of its

representatives. But the offensive practice of specifying minimum donations must be a policy, indicating that the organization is not interested in modest-income people`s sacrifices.

Therefore, Miss Manners considers it proper of you merely to decline to participate.

Dear Miss Manners-I am a receptionist for a small printing company. Occasionally, when I answer the phone, the caller says, ``I`m sorry. I have the wrong number.`` What should I say?

Gentle Reader-The phrase is ``That`s quite all right.`` Only if the person calls back immediately are you allowed to betray a slight tone of impatience when you ask, ``What number were you calling?``