The Lesser Narcissist

“No I’m not, it’s you that’s the narcissist, I’m sick of you saying that there is something wrong with me, when it’s you that has the problem. You do it on purpose, always trying to wind me up, I’ve fucking had enough of it.”

Sigh. That’s another plate broken and a panel punched in the door. Again. He’s gone, but he will be back. You see, that’s a typical reaction of the Lesser. He doesn’t know what he is. Often he will not even know what a narcissist is, but if you try to tell him, even if you do it in a calm and pleasant way, he doesn’t hear what you are saying, he just hears the criticism. When that happens his fury ignites and usually he will lash out. That’s why he insulted me, tried to shift the blame on to me, smashed the plate and punched the door. He didn’t think about doing any of that. It just happened. He reacts and responds by instinct. He is a creature of instinct. I didn’t hear the front door slam so he must be in the house still. Let’s go and find him.

Here he is. Locked in his den. His bolthole and sanctuary from the criticism. He is tapping away on his ‘phone. Let’s see. Yes, he is texting a couple of ladies who he has been flirting with online. You see, he didn’t hang around to see my reaction to the ignition of his fury, but he knows it will have troubled me. Sometimes knowing that reaction will be enough but not today. His fuel supplies must be low. That’s why he is tapping into some secondary sources by texting or probably sexting these women. Let’s see if we can coax him out of his bolthole. I will knock at the door.

You see he has turned his head and smiled, but hasn’t answered my knocking. He is pleased that I have come to try to find out if he is alright. That makes him feel powerful. My reaction, of tip-toing to him and gently rapping on the door reinforces that he is the one who is superior in our relationship. Again, he doesn’t think this through, so do be grateful for your humble narrator explaining this for you, but that is what is happening inside of Lee. I knock again and call out his name. He remains silent. Lee knows that silent treatment makes him feel powerful. Add that sensation to the flirtatious messages I can see that he is receiving and he is receiving fuel from three sources. Me and two supplementary sources. They are probably acquaintances now since mobile numbers have been exchanged. The fury that Lee experienced at my perceived criticism will now be subsiding as the fuel is provided. This makes him feel calmer. Lee knows that certain things make him furious and then other things makes him calmer. Let’s ask him if he knows why.

“Hey Lee, don’t hide in there, why did you get angry like that? All I did was say that you are a lesser narcissist.”

Notice that I haven’t said this in a pleading way, or through tears, or even shouted it at him. I have made this point and asked the question in a neutral fashion. Watch what he does now. See how fast the irritation has arrived. This is because I am not giving him any fuel with my comment. I have also interrupted the flow of the fuel from the two women by distracting him. To make matters worse I have repeated the comment and he will perceive this as a criticism. Again, he won’t have worked any of this out, he is a Lesser so it doesn’t happen. Whereas I have explained the process. This is what actually happens in Lee’s mind.

He hears my comment;

He feels wounded by that comment. This manifests as irritation;

His fury ignites.

It is as quick and as straight forward as that. Here comes the fury.

Lee marches from his desk and flings the den door open.

“How many fucking times have I told you not to disturb me when I am in my den? You never listen to me!”

Notice the contorted features as the fury takes over.

“I only asked a reasonable question.”

I say this in a neutral tone again. No fuel is being provided. This annoys him further because this is a criticism and it wounds him.

“Are you saying I am unreasonable?” he demands jutting his jaw forward in an aggressive manner.

Of course dear reader I said no such thing did I, but Lee doesn’t process it that way. My neutral remark is taken again as a criticism, hence his response.

“I’m just pointing out what you are and besides, you are always in there, messing around doing who knows what, you should be working.”

Lee rarely works. He doesn’t see any reason to. He believes I should keep him after all, in his mind he is the superior one and therefore I should run around after him. He only does chores when he knows he can get some fuel, for instance, chopping logs in the yard so people can admire his physical prowess, otherwise he won’t bother. Again Lee doesn’t think about chopping the logs in terms of receiving admiring looks from our neighbour Josie, he just knows when he does it, she smiles and talks to him and he feels good inside. But I digress. Back to the foaming Lee who is stood in the doorway of the den. He won’t let me in there. It is his domain. What is his is his and nobody else’s.

“What are you saying that for?” he growls. His fury is increasing at the criticism that he should be working. Here it comes. The right hand swipes and he slaps me across my face. You see he cannot control the fury and with Lee it manifests as heated fury as he lashes out.

I let out a cry and raise my palm to my face, eyes showing the pain arising from his physical abuse of me. Look at that small smile on his lips. That is because my fearful reaction has given him negative fuel. He wanted that. He doesn’t know that he wanted that but he knows that seeing me scared, upset, angry or frustrated, amongst other things makes him feel stronger and more powerful.

“You should be working,” I repeat but the neutral tone is gone now and it comes out part comment, part sob as the tears well up. His hand is raised to deliver another blow but he doesn’t because my tears are fuelling him. Although I have criticised him by stating he should be working, it will not feel like criticism to Lee because it is surrounded in emotion. That is what he wants. He doesn’t know that, but that is what he wants.

His fury is still there but it has receded within his parameters of control, low as they are. If I had kept on he would have erupted further and probably punched and kicked me down the hall. It has happened before. And will again. As a Lesser his control threshold is low and regularly his fury boils over into verbal and physical violence. Notice how he is standing there grinning. The provision of my fuel is making him feel powerful and that is why he looks happy. It is not true happiness. Lee doesn’t know what that is, but he knows that feeling powerful makes him feel good and that is why he is smiling. I am going to back off now.

I walk away and Lee content with the fuel he has extracted from me (although he does not know this) turns and goes back into the den. He will text the two ladies for a while longer, gathering more fuel and then with the fury receded and his fuel levels higher, he will feel more settled so he will watch one of his action films or play on his Xbox for a while. He won’t be thinking about me. He doesn’t have the function to do so for long when I am not in front of him. Lee as a Lesser is very much about dealing with what is on his plate. Yes, I will invade his consciousness from time to time but he is not given to planning. It is all spur of the moment, reaction, responses, instinct, seat of the pants. That is why he is seen as such a whirlwind, bouncing from one ignition of fury to the next. He has no overarching strategy, no grand design, but he is an aggressive hunter gatherer who knows that I, his longstanding and long suffering partner infuriates him but he keeps me around because, well, I do the chores and lie there and think of England when he is grinding away on top of me. Writing of which, let’s fast forward to bed time. I have retired first and here comes Lee padding up the stairs, a belly full of Scotch (he likes a few drinks when he is watching his films).

“Hey,” he says as he enters the darkened bedroom. He doesn’t lower his voice or gently shake me. Why would be bother when he is entitled to do as he pleases. Again, Lee doesn’t think that way, he just does it, he just acts in that manner of the entitled Lesser.

“What is it?” I ask blearily.

“Move over, I’m getting in.”

That’s his way of saying he wants sex. If he wanted to sleep he would just climb into bed. Notice how there is no apology for hitting me, no expression of concern or remorse for the earlier altercation. That’s because he has forgotten about it. Imagine Lee’s mind like a small external hard driver. It only has so much memory and automatically jettisons so much information. If in a few days’ time I refer to him slapping me he will give me a confused look and say,

“What are you talking about?”

That’s because he cannot recall it. It has been wiped from his mind. It is an instinctive reponse and demonstrates why with the Lesser he denies so much of what he is accused of and does it with sincerity because he really does not remember. There is no pretence, not like those from other schools. He does not remember, but that is a few days away. Let’s return to now.

“I said, move up, I am getting in.”

Still no apology. He continues as if nothing happened earlier. This is because he sees no wrong in what he has done. He responded. It was instinct to him and therefore for him, instinct is natural and correct. If I challenged him about his behaviour from before, now, it would be a criticism. His fury would be ignited and with the additional accelerant of the alcohol I would be dragged from the bed, beaten and forced to sleep downstairs. He may even throw me in my night clothes on to the street. All an instinctive reaction to the criticism and his lack of control over his ignited fury. I won’t challenge him though. I have learned not to, it is safer you see. It took me a long time to realise that this was the best course of action. I used to stand up to him you see. I thought that it would make him respect me if I did but it won’t. The Lesser regards any denial of their authority as criticism and, you’ve guessed it, the fury ignites.

Time to put on a performance then. If I refuse his advances he will kick off. If I don’t put in feigned enthusiasm, he will kick off. As a Lesser he is not very good at distinguishing between real and faked emotions at times. He is better with some than others. For instance, he knows real fear and upset compared to any that is faked. This is because he has the most experience of seeing people scared, upset and frightened so he instinctively knows when it is real and when it is not. When it comes to matters between the sheets although Lee believes himself to be the champion of sexual technique (he has certainly had plenty of partners as he regularly likes to boast about them to me) he could be rutting a slab of steak for all the variance and finesse he deploys. He wasn’t always like that. He did make an effort during our golden period, but that is long gone. Now he just wants to exert his dominance over me and be made to feel powerful so you will have to excuse me as I make the relevant noises, say the stock phrases and pull my porn faces. That will please Lee the Lesser and provide him with a final burst of delicious positive fuel before he slumps besides me and falls into an undisturbed sleep. He always sleeps well does Lee. His lesser function means that there is not a lot racing around in his mind as slumber approaches. So, there’s a glimpse of how a – I’d better whisper this so he doesn’t hear – Lesser Narcissist is. Now, turn around please, you shouldn’t be watching what comes next.

Hello, HG. Thank you for all your very informative articles and videos. I have a question, because my emotional brain cannot seem to sort out some of the nuances. My exN was prone to outbursts of verbal and physical violence when raging, but is also a very cool, calm, collected person – generally speaking. He holds a master’s degree, is very successfully employed, and holds a great deal of achievements. He is incredibly intelligent, at times calculated, and supremely manipulative. But many of the hallmarks of Lee the Lesser also fit his bill – a failure to understand what he is, why he does, etc. He also seemed to genuinely not remember many, many incidences – or if he did, they were greatly skewed from what actually happened. So, in your insightful opinion, is he a lesser, a mid, a greater…? I simply wish to understand. Thank you very much.

Ahh, fair enough. Thank you for replying. I likely will contact you for a consultation at some point. I did peruse your videos after posting my question, and I think more than likely he’s an LGN. I do appreciate your insight into this.

I am not sure if greater-lesser is about levels of self-awareness, supply type hunting skills, degrees of predation / malevolence or high – low social functioning in normal society.

The one i know is a somatic with primal intelligence; takes great care of his body, is a skilled methodical trophy hunter (women = prey), is aware that what he was doing is predatorial, but not necessarily why, beyond his magical thinking. Women are objects to mirror his ego, yet he is obsessively jealous and possessive of individual ones (like me), as opposed to always one-time use and discard. He can support himself financially though basically and lives autonomously but leads a twilight zone existance and isn’t highly functional in terms of being a sucessful and respectable member of society. He shrouds himself in secret, keeps all aspects of his life and relationships very compartmentalised and utilises transient social scenes, through travel, etc. He has cold rage more than fury outbursts (at least i didn’t stick around to see those), a lot of sulking silent treatments and is a malicious, cynical sadist.

Compare that to say, Harvey Weinstein, who is a greater and is not at all attractive or health conscious, not very self-aware, more compulsive and habitual, yet had enormous power and influence and was a prolific predatory hunter.

You may have a Lesser who fits all criteria for Lesser but does not batter, but that would be unusual.
Often drug users and/or alcoholics but not always.
In terms of stupidity, yes, although the Upper Lesser has “street smarts”.
Correct it is not about an Upper Lesser.

It is so hard to figure out what type of Narcissist someone is because people are sometimes more complex. Also, it is difficult to know if they are a Narcissist or just narcissistic.

I have two ex-boyfriend from my past that might be Upper Lessers, but again neither of them caused any bodily harm to me. The one has a degree in engineering and business, but involved himself in some activities to finance his college education. He thought it was amusing to humiliate me by pinning me (he had been a wrestler) in front of his friends (some of whom protested loudly!), but he didn’t hurt me physically. I would not call either of these two possible Upper Lessers stupid, but caniving and with a lot of swag.

Thought it is important to add that both of these ex-boyfriends were liars, cheaters, users, tried to triangulate me with another girl, gaslighted, used marijuana, had weird relationships with their mothers and seemed to have no empathy, guilt or remorse. Lucky for me that I kicked one out and escaped the other (until he reappeared, etc). The second one is more dangerous than the first. They are both definitely Narcissists!!

My dad was a Lesser. He never beat me or my mom but he punched holes in walls, would scream violently, once I watched him key a guy’s car, he would regularly use the ‘n-word’, and talk to himself in the mirror, where I would hear him muttering violent things to himself like, ‘That fuckin’ Jesus Christ is the one to blame.’

Just clown shoes crazy shit. Then he would come out of the bathroom all smiles and excited. Literally 2 people.

My dad, although barely literate, could fix anything. He had a great gift for that–just a very technical mind. Cars, refrigerators, ACs, anything mechanical. But feelings, intuition, writing beyond baby sentences–he could not do.

Oh and don’t forget a misogynist. When I started to ‘develop’ so to speak, he did not make my life easy. I was very ashamed as result.

Thank you for your note! I am so sorry you went through that! It sounds terrifying! You are a true survivor!

Knowing how to work with one’s handle is something that I have much respect for and feel these people do not get the credit they deserve. My high school boyfriend came from a family of eight, so he would have had to motivate himself to go to college. He was an excellent carpenter, with a mind for math that was impressive! Also, my ex-fiance was financially alone and earned an Associate’s degree. He impressed me with his mechanical skills as well and I can relate to that.

You seem to be a very strong person and were able to be true to yourself! Thank you so much for sharing..

Thank you for your kind words, Kate. I went NC from him in ’94 and it’s amazing to see the patterns emerge over time, how I found myself ensnared by various narcs. After having a Lesser father, a Mid Ranger can seem like a blessing (for a while).

All of the narcs I have known have been more technical/didactic in their thinking. A few had creative talent but they never seemed to capitalize on their full potential.

Some of them do have capabilities but the need for fuel very often can override their drive. If there is an easy way out, they will find it.

Perfect timing. So here is my question. In ‘Sitting Target’ you mention that there is no somatic lesser. Yet when I think of the stereotypical somatic dope, I think of the ‘frat boy party boy.’

Shit man I just did all those reps, now I’m gonna go out and get me some poo-say tonight.

They are vile.

The one I knew spent all his money on workout equipment, gym membership, tattoos and had a very strong sex appeal/drive yet had a history of incarceration, sex offense, no money/status because a shit job, no upper education, doesn’t read, kids out of wedlock, etc.

That doesn’t sound smart enough to reach the Mid-Range. He put up a good front (I thought he was a geologist or engineer) so he was skilled in manipulation but his actual life was a disaster. I would think a Mid Ranger would have more pride/self-awareness.

Hi, HG. I’m really thankful for your blog, it helped me to know my ex boyfriend was a N (a lesser one) and that he never loved me because he cannot love. I think your work is amazing and I hope I never meet you in real life (sorry for that).

You say sometimes there is nothing like a permanent discard. Never? Is he coming back? I cried for almost a year and now I am… well, I am alive again. I don’t want to know anything about him never again and I’m really scared about he coming back.

Thanks again. I was wrong (I read the types months ago, while I was still crying about everything and I can’t think about him being nothing but a sweet boy and myself a monster), he is a Mid-Range, not a Lesser. But I understand the hoover trigger works the same.

I also thought, oh, i don’t feel anything for him anymore, i’m free now. But i notice i am more vulnerable and looking to redirect my emo-cocktail addiction, with others. So that’s not good. Another side effect, people.

I am reading and considering how this prototype fits. All narcs have dens… some rely on them more than others perhaps, some have more ‘class’. Mine did not react with fury, but kept his thoughts bottled during silent treatments, while constantly on the hunt for sex supplies, and eventually over a period of time the ‘punishment’ commences and it’s full of rage but not yet physical, he wants to crush my self esteem but the lack of emotional insight means he’s just very crude, “you dumb bimbo whore”. He wants to rape me but wants me to submit myself.

He knows he is ‘not a sheep’ but thinks that makes him a god. Yes to the fireworks that become a porn routine. Handsome, not like this image portrays, with an aloof vain expression and dramatically poised, selfie apon selfie, rows of them (that was my uncanny valley moment).

I want to know what comes next. No contact since the last hoover, 3 days. I am not good at this.

As I read more I think I was with a lesser.. not 100%. He was always living off me, or his mom.. getting fired from jobs etc. he would do the silent treatment often after he did something wrong. And when I would confront him about his behavior he would get violent. Physical emotional verbal. For 8 years he always found a way to contact me .. no matter what. I know have a restraining order. He has not tried to contact me at all. It’s wonderful. But will this continue ? The restraining order is for 3 years. I would love to think he would continue to obey that order. But a part of me thinks he may not. He doesn’t have much supply. Just his mom and maybe 1 or 2 friends. Do narcissists stay away if you have a restraining order ?