That Copy Machine Isn’t Going To Mount Itself (Challenge)

Is there a particular co-worker you’ve been thinking would enjoy a few minutes with you on top of your desk or in the men’s room stall but were skittish about the idea of a) approaching them and b) having sex at work? Great news! According to FINS, lots of people are banging in a room just off the trading floor as we speak and they’ve got hard numbers to back it up. Use this information to make your case when offering the object of your desire two free passes to [Your Name]-ville.

Who was willing to have an actual tryst, say, in the photocopy room, for instance? Across all industries, 33% said they had had one in the office. Bankers almost matched that average with 32.5%. Accountants weren’t so intrepid: only 21.74% said they had.

Bankers were also more likely to get caught in the middle of that tryst: compared with 0% of accountants, 3.7% of bankers said they had been walked in on. That was less than the average of 4.2% across all industries, however.

These numbers aren’t bad, but we’re confident you can do much better. So, in honor of the day, we challenge the financial services industry to double both their averages (re: office trysts and getting caught). You will receive more points for:

* How open the room is (example: bathroom: 1 point; middle of the trading floor: 10,000 points)

* How loud you are (incorporating tambourines will get you far)

* Rank of your partner (subordinate: 1 point; 5 points for every level higher they are than you; anyone in HR is 1,000 points)

* For every minute you keep going after getting caught, with people standing in the door way, you get 100 points

* Bonus points will be awarded for: wearing the mask from Scream; having phone sex with a colleague over the PA system; accoutrements; if you’re the submissive type, you make your partner say stuff to you like “you are such a shitty trader.”

A colleague walked into my office, and commented that it smelled like lovemaking. Impossible, I declared, such a thing would never occur in the esteemed Bear Stearns. I merely pointed out that the lovemaking smell was actually the smell of my new leather couch. I asked him to sniff my couch. “Tell me that smell isn’t a new couch smell”. How could he argue? Did he even know what true lovemaking smelled like? He told me, that, yes, it must be the couch.

A colleague walked into my office, and commented that it smelled like lovemaking. Impossible, I declared, such a thing would never occur in the esteemed Bear Stearns. I merely pointed out that the lovemaking smell was actually the smell of my new leather couch. I asked him to sniff my couch. “Tell me that smell isn’t a new couch smell”. How could he argue? Did he even know what true lovemaking smelled like? He told me, that, yes, it must be the couch.

A colleague walked into my office, and commented that it smelled like lovemaking. Impossible, I declared, such a thing would never occur in the esteemed Bear Stearns. I merely pointed out that the lovemaking smell was actually the smell of my new leather couch. I asked him to sniff my couch. “Tell me that smell isn’t a new couch smell”. How could he argue? Did he even know what true lovemaking smelled like? He told me, that, yes, it must be the couch.

A colleague walked into my office, and commented that it smelled like lovemaking. Impossible, I declared, such a thing would never occur in the esteemed Bear Stearns. I merely pointed out that the lovemaking smell was actually the smell of my new leather couch. I asked him to sniff my couch. “Tell me that smell isn’t a new couch smell”. How could he argue? Did he even know what true lovemaking smelled like? He told me, that, yes, it must be the couch.

A colleague walked into my office, and commented that it smelled like lovemaking. Impossible, I declared, such a thing would never occur in the esteemed Bear Stearns. I merely pointed out that the lovemaking smell was actually the smell of my new leather couch. I asked him to sniff my couch. “Tell me that smell isn’t a new couch smell”. How could he argue? Did he even know what true lovemaking smelled like? He told me, that, yes, it must be the couch.

A colleague walked into my office, and commented that it smelled like lovemaking. Impossible, I declared, such a thing would never occur in the esteemed Bear Stearns. I merely pointed out that the lovemaking smell was actually the smell of my new leather couch. I asked him to sniff my couch. “Tell me that smell isn’t a new couch smell”. How could he argue? Did he even know what true lovemaking smelled like? He told me, that, yes, it must be the couch.

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Mary Jo White was the top federal prosecutor in New York City during Bill Bratton’s first run as the Big Apple’s top cop, and she learned a few lessons from his “broken windows” theory: Clean a place up a little, and throw the fucking book at the street urchins who are messing things up with […]