The First Day After…

It feels like the hundredth time this morning that something reminds you of them. The grocery store bakery carries that rare bread that they like. You’re tempted to smell it because you think it’ll make you feel close to them again. You think burying your nose into something they love will turn you back into something they love. It won’t. It’ll just make you that weird person who gets too friendly with the bread. So you stare at it intently, but walk away to avoid the embarrassment.

When it comes to my moods and my emotions, my highs can be really high. But my lows can leave me wondering where those highs even came from in the first place. Here recently, I’ve been in an emotional rut that’s resulted in me not being able to enjoy life as much as I’d like and it’s had a negative impact on my productivity and self-image. I’ll feel so many things (although sometimes nothing at all) that I lock myself in my room in complete isolation with my blinds shut and my curtains closed. However, what happens to me a lot when I slide far down into depression is that I’ll grow so exhausted from the episodes, that I’ll have to come out of my funk, even if only temporarily, just to give myself a break from the influence the depression has over me at the time. In other words, while I may not be able to come out of my depression overall, I do what I can to build my strength up so that I can continue to move forward in dealing with my depression. This leads to me gradually coming out of the episode and once again living life in my highs.

Have you ever looked in the mirror
And immediately smiled at your reflection
Like seeing an old friend for the first time in months?
The eye contact feels like home
The familiarity feels like the beach
You’re warm and calm
Your skin is kissed by a honey-color light
Treating yourself is nice, but

Grass blades stick into her skin as she lay on her back, completely bare. She sinks into the ground beneath her and can feel the Earth move in sync with her own breathing. Her eyes open to see the infinite blue above and stares into the eyes of melancholy while remembering the times she’s been here before.

Coming into a new year, a widely celebrated turning point in time, we’re often bombarded with the idea that we must make it an important change in our individual lives. The emphasis for change is all around us and we often pressure ourselves into the “new year, new me” mindset, deciding on leaving part of ourselves in the previous year so that we can focus on developing a new version of us. However, this year I’ve decided to approach change differently. I won’t try to shed the things I don’t like about myself or put focus on my negative traits, but instead, I’ll work more on accepting who I am. I feel as though who I am has gotten me here, so I can’t be all bad. This year I’ll be changing by way of being grateful for the process rather than pining for the outcome.