Thursday, May 04, 2006

IRAQI INSURGENTS SHOOT LIKE GIRLS

Military Questions Al-Zarqawi’s Manhood

(Basra) US military officials released video that at first glance appears to be clip better suited for Iraq’s favorite TV show, The Sunni-est Bloopers and Practical Jokes than it is a for a man who props himself up as a so-called “terrorist mastermind.” The video, discovered during a raid that brings the insurgency closer to its’ last throes every day, shows Iraqi al-Qaeda leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi in a less-than-masculine light. “What this video has taught us,” explained new US Command spokesman Lt. General Scott McClellan, “is that al-Zarqawi is basically a fancy boy.”Despite all his bravado, it appears that al-Zarqawi is incapable of learning a basic skill every red-blooded American boy learns by age six; how to properly fire a fully-automatic assault rifle. Much to the wannabe-warrior’s humiliation, the captured video shows the marginalized al Qaeda leader struggling with such simple tasks such as clearing a double-feed malfunction. “We showed this ineptitude to the administration’s senior weapons expert, Charles Heston,” explained McClellan. “After he laughed that classic hearty laugh of his, he commented that even a damn, dirty ape knows that an AK-47 double-feed malfunction is cleared by depressing the magazine ejection tab, pulling back smartly on the retraction slide while simultaneously holding the weapon at a 90 degree angle, re-inserting a loaded magazine and charging the weapon!”

During his exercise in incompetence, al-Zarqawi is also seen wearing the latest New Balace running shoes. While military experts stressed that this a major tactical no-no, others in more specialized fields believe his choice of footwear is indicative of the “Bad Boy of Basra’s” true sexual orientation. “My shoes are fab-u-lous!” shrieked Col. Jeff Gannon, commander of the Army’s new “Don’t Ask/Don’t Tell” brigade. “I mean, do you see how they bring the whole ensemble together? It’s like, Sunni chic!”

Did the vice president shoot anyone yet today? Remember he picked off an attorney with one clean shot. Maybe he could go over to Iraq and give some shooting lessons. And maybe he could stay there for like a really long time.