September 22, 2015

September 3, 2015

If I was going to be really honest with you right now, I would tell you that things haven't been any easier. Hardly ever will a day past where I won't break down over something and just sob. At least once a week I'll have a ranting session in my car. I pray out loud in my car almost every day, and crying out to God happens at least twice daily. I feel so much anger all the time, and I know it's not healthy. I know I will fall into my old habits, and I've already started. I'm constantly asking Him to take it away, I ask Him why I'm feeling this when I've never really had problems with it before. I wonder why I can't just dive into my Bible and pray it away. Obviously there are still lessons I need to learn, but I'm finding that they are so, so difficult.

But, even so, God has been doing great things. He's been showing me so much about Himself. His unending and all sufficient love, His mercy, compassion, redemption (oh, yes, His redemption), and so many other things. But most of all, He has been showing me His unfailing grace. This is something I cannot live without every second of every day. I mess up all the time. I get mad at so many things I probably shouldn't be. I hate so many things, especially about myself. About how I am right now, about how I do things and how I compare myself to others. I'm constantly comparing. But something I have been learning is that He is good, even when nothing else seems to be. All the time. All the time. All the time.

In other news, today is my 18th birthday. It's weird, I guess. In one way it seems like I've only actually lived half of those years because time seems to be going so quickly. But then in other ways it seems like I've lived twice that. Life isn't easy, it isn't meant to be. That's why we have Jesus, that's why Jesus came to save us, that's the whole story of the Bible. We need Jesus, without Him we will never be able to make it, we will never be able to solve our problems. We won't ever feel complete or completely happy. Life will never be worth anything without Him.

He is good, please don't forget that. I know what it's like to have a foggy day, or a foggy week, or even a foggy year. I'm living that right now, too. But really, go to Jesus. Go to Him and He can help you. He's not going to change everything right away, but He will help you. And I hold fast to that promise.

xo, rn

ps- this post with images of me is actually a tradition of mine. See previous years: