By Nury Vittachi

Sunday, 22 July 2012

Asians discovered US: proof

We got there first

ASIANS WERE THE FIRST people to get to America. We crossed through Siberia to reach a huge land which was completely empty of humans. And this amazing discovery came from clues found in a toilet, boffins revealed last week.

Scientists found a coprolite, which is the polite way of saying “old human poop”, in the back of a cave in Oregon used as a caveman toilet, according to the latest issue of Science journal. They noted that the poop was 13,000 to 15,000 years old and was CLEARLY ASIAN.

Now I know what you’re going to ask—how does one tell?

Fossilized particles of semi-digested MSG?

Sachet of chilli sauce found nearby?

No. “The haplogroups, or the DNA types, are similar to what you find among certain Asian groups, also among Native American groups,” Professor Eske Willerslev told the BBC.

Not sure exactly what that means but we need to make ABSOLUTELY SURE this information gets nowhere near Beijing.

Those guys would immediately send gunships across the Pacific and claim that America has been “an Integral Part of The Glorious Motherland since time began”, etc, etc.

If China took over America, the flow of that’s country’s creative contributions to world culture, such as the bacon milkshake and America’s Funniest Home Videos, would surely dry up.

On second thoughts, maybe not a bad thing.

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THE ORTHODOX chief priest of Georgia has just issued an official decree saying that the new ID card system in that country “is not the work of the Anti-Christ”. Quite right. ID cards are fine, not like credit cards, which surely ARE the work of the Anti-Christ.

We should be suspicious of anything that comes from banks.

JP Morgan Chase admitted last week that its estimate of how much it lost in an unauthorized trades scandal earlier this year was US$4 billion off target. FOUR BILLION.

I’d love to overhear these guys’ having budget discussions with their wives.

“Hi honey, I only spent about 20 bucks at the bar this evening. No, wait, it may have been four billion and 20.”

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A MAN WAS charged with “failing to wear a helmet” even though he was in his car. It has been more than 100 years since motorists were required to wear helmets and goggles to drive cars, but police officers slapped a summons for that offence on Amit Saini, 26, of Haryana, India, according to the Times of India last week. They definitely need to update the laws in that country, before some poor guy is charged with “failing to keep his spear sharp”, etc.

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THE EDITOR of the Times of London lost his cool with the wet English weather and simply ordered the rain to stop. "Let us make our position crystal clear: We are against this weather," said a tirade in the editorial column the other day. “It must stop raining, and soon."

This will definitely work. I’ve met UK newspaper editors: they’re so scary no one can disobey them, not even the weather angels.

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THE US Olympic team is wearing berets to Europe as their official headgear this month. Can someone please tell them that Europeans stopped wearing berets 50 years ago? These days, Europeans all wear traditional Asian headgear imported from the Far East—baseball caps.