Smiting the smiteable since 2005

Tag Archives: Newt Gingrich

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If politics is toxic now, you ain’t seen nothing yet. During the reign of St. Ronnie of Reagan, I used to think, “You know, politicians talk some serious shit these days.” But, Reagan was a kindly grandpa compared to the current lot. He may have done a lot of things that the country still suffers from, but he also managed to do some good. And the reason was that Congressional leaders were reasonable people who understood you had to drop the posturing and downright hatefulness at the end of the day and go play a round of golf with the other side.

Flash forward to Newt Gingrich, infant terrible of the right-wing. He came to office with an agenda to shake things up, but not in a good way. He paid the price with a short term, but went on to become the right’s idea of a one man intelligentsia — at least until Ted Cruz came along.

But Newt begat Tom DeLay who wasn’t called “The Hammer” for nothing. Since then there have been a long line of “leaders” from both parties with a penchant for spending a lot of time talking about what assholes the opposing party is instead of cooperating.

Well, that was anticlimactic. We listened to a grueling (for voters) 4-year long campaign during which we witnessed the worst political spectacle of the epoch. If, “liar, liar, pants on fire” meant anything, there wouldn’t be a pair of Levis left on the planet. The country immersed itself in a boiling cauldron of rancor so deep there is no word in English to adequately describe it. And yet, after all that, we have essentially the same balance of power as before.Well played America, well-played.

It’s time for a few observations and maybe a little advice. For the “mandate” crowd, winning an election by the skin of your teeth does not a mandate make. For the “it’s imponderable we lost” crowd, no it isn’t. You acted like a bunch of jackwads. For the “gridlock will finally break” crowd, what makes you think reelecting largely the same people who are already bought and paid for is going to break gridlock?

But since the nation is populated with a large ignorati caucus, let’s break it down real simple like:

Explain why you don’t wear a flag pin on your pajamas, or that the 10 Commandments and the Bill of Rights are entirely separate documents, or why you believe Barack Obama is an American citizen to a rabid conservative and they’re likely to ask, “Why do you hate America?”

My question for them is, “Why do you hate sex?”

After all, conservative Catholics believe the celibate ringleader of the world’s largest pedophile ring when he says sex is for procreation – no fun allowed.

And that whole homo sex thing reads like swing set assembly instructions written by Siberian prison labor outsourced by Bain Capital. “Tab-ski A only fits in Slot-ski B, but never insert Tab C-ski in Slot D-ski” – so confusing.

Just exactly how does gay marriage degrade your own marriage? How does a soldier who doesn’t mention being gay and that you don’t ask about being gay become gay by being asked or telling? Perhaps you wouldn’t be so confused if you didn’t interrupt Larry Craig for an explanation while he is practicing his wide stance at Minneapolis International. I’m given to understand wide stance consummation can be very distracting.

You also like your experts in morality. Just ask David Vitter, a man who visits more prostitutes than Charlie Sheen. When you need advice on strong marriages serial adulterer Newt Gingrich will explain it all…politics made him do it.

When you’re helping that unplanned son or daughter with their biology homework ask just about any other conservative male how lady plumbing works. They really know their stuff. Michele Bachmann can help the kids get extra credit by explaining how HPV vaccine causes cancer.

Why do you feel a swell of, um, “pride” when the little woman whispers, “Oh God, oh God, oh God” while faking an orgasm? Isn’t that using the Lord’s name in vain?

Everyone knows you think sex toys are the work of the devil. So bad, you want to try owners in a court forbidding Sharia law, which ironically really cracks down on the dildo-wielding set. Still, I understand why you’re embarrassed. The 5-year old walking out during the pastor’s visit yelling, “Look Mommy, I found a rocket ship!” can be mortifying – especially when the reverend suggests that dunking you like a witch in the baptismal pool will drive the devil out.

You believe promise rings are an effective form of birth control, that kids will never discover sex unless the Obamunists expose them to sex education in school, and that pregnancy begins with a gleam in Daddy’s debauched eye…but that’s OK, because men are entitled by God to be debauched.