T USH Pshaw Why all these imaginary difficulties about the
Electric Light ? FUN had but to think over it for one second, E l.1
and behold! he had brought out the TRUE ELECTRIC -
LIGHT-the Light of his Consummate Productions caused by the
twin wires, Wit and Wisdom Electric, because electricity is life, and 0
FUN's productions are the very essence and acme of life-the life 3 1"
which is all laughter and no tears! Where are the difficulties?
"Subdivision of the Current?" FUN can subdivide his current \
indefinitely, rendering it all-effective for domestic purposes-for the
illumination of the Home: does he not, in fact, supply penny
numbers of his publication to the domestic circle, far and wide ?
These are his smaller lights. "Danger?" There is no danger to
those who inadvertently touch his wires; they are effectually insulated:
the keenness of his wit is covered with a coating of suavity and for-
bearance; the force of his wisdom has an envelope of unobtrusiveness .
and simplicity; and, moreover, his wires never exert their force until
they reach their point-frequently a carbon point-coals of fire on
the head of the erring. "Toning the Intensity ?" The brilliancy of
FUN's fancy is so delicately shaded by a subtilty of expression, so
modulated by the mellowing medium of a magnanimous moderation,
mated with a more than marvellous mastery of manner, that its light
steals on the perception like the ripple of the rivulet, the aroma of
the rose. So much for the smaller lights; while those desirous of
seeing the infinity of splendour supplied by one of FuN's GREATER
LAMPS, need only go to Fleet Street, at present illuminated night

ENGRAVINGS.
A "BIT" of a Character, 371
Accord of Opinion, 187
Accounting for aDepressed Appearance, 218
jsthetiana-The China Craze, 7
A Nice Division, 179
Another Thing Altogether, 78
A Peep at the Severe Toil Undergone by
the Comic Artist in the Pursuit of
Ideas, 65
At the Castle Garden, 112
At the Sea-side, 85

FUN was sitting waiting for the payment of his rents.
The estates were the pages of the periodical FUN. They were let out in small consignments, at a penny a week, to many thousands of tenants.
The crops reaped by the latter were Instruction, Amusement, Hilarity, and General Content. The rents payable consisted of laughter,
cheers, hand-clappings, chuckles, gurgles, and praises.
As FUN waited a timid knock at the door was heard, and there entered, very cautiously, one of FUN's best tenants, by name Hearty
Appreciation.
"Well, Hearty, boy," said FUN, extending his hand, "I felt sure you wouldn't disappoint. If you '11 pay down the laughter and cheers,
I '11 write you out a receipt."
Hearty winked knowingly.
They've bin trying' it on," he whispered. "There's such a bad lot round me that threaten me with awful things if I pay up in full.
They're all in the League against me. There's Small-pox Epidemic, and Doterel Disaster, and Fenian Outrages, and State of Russia, and State
of Ireland, and a lot more of 'em. But I 'd made up my mind-(as my duty was, sure enough, after getting' all the instruction and whatnot out of
my bit of holdin')-to pay you in full in laughter and chuckles, and so on, though all the black varmints are waiting' for me at me elbow and
pressing' down upon me. The most they 'd let me go to is a dirty little half-hearted gurgle and a little sad miserable grin or two, and I wouldn't
insult ye by offering' them in payment."
Have they offered you any violence ? asked FUN.
"Ah, surely some of 'em have hit me pretty hard about the heart, and Doterel and Small-pox among 'em, by the same token. Oh but
they can't manage to get me evicted from the holding and deprived of the only sheet I have-one weekly."
"Well," said FUN, always humane and considerate, "I suppose, under the circumstances, I must make a reduction in the rent, eh ? Well,
let us say a good chuckle or two, and perhaps a little quiet praise, for a week or two until we see how we stand. Meanwhile, perhaps Small-pox
and some of the others may leave the country, and things in general take a brighter turn. And then- "
"Sorra a bit!" said Hearty, fervently ; "ye shall be paid in full. D' ye think the lot of 'em can prevent me handing' over the regular amount
of laughter and chuckles to FUN ? Why, I can't prevint meselfdoin' it, I can't. Let 's see now. Here's a roll of broad grins to begin with ; then
there's- "
"Shouts of laughter !" said FUN. Shrieks of applause said Hearty. Incontrollable chuckles !" said FTUN. "Stuffycatin' giggles !"
said Hearty.
And a receipt in full was given after all.

PI-. XXXIVy.-NO. 843.

AND FLIES.
On Rumour LIal fioatr
.\nd F^\Y l~iat l[-,S.

.--- --: -,.A_
I. YL b .
-'p'--- \

>1'
., ..y ,

\ :

It

,
__ UMMER is ycomen in," and
theatres are showing all the
( usual signs thereof. Some
are closing, nay, some are
.already closed; while at
j others, during the absence
of the regular-seasoncat, the
mice are playing for short
summer seasons.
AMr. E.H. Brooke opened,
at the New Sadler's Wells,
/ .promisingly on the 27th ult.,
-- ithafair average company,
in one or two instances rising
-- to marked ability. The
T I' Colleen Bawn and Byron's
i 'Little Don Giovanni were
S. the opening pieces. Mr.
_.__ l[ Brooke is a very excellent
actor, and in spite of being
I. .-- -J completely out of place as
FLOATs AND FLIES. Miles na Coppaleen, and
handicapped with a brogue
both peculiar and various, he played the part with much power and
dramatic force.
The Father Tom of Mr. Edmund Lyons is one nf those quiet, com-
plete studies we arc growing ac-
customed to at the hands of this ..-
very clever actor; while his
brother, Mr. R. C. Lyons, played I K-
the difficult part of Danny Mann 2-
withconsiderablediscretion. Mr. -
F. Gurney was an effective Kyrle
Daly, and Miss Kate Gurney a ..- =___
more than efficient Eily. -.

"First-night" hitches were otl
conspicuousbytheirabsence. The
great sensation scene where Miles
dives (a Brooke rushing into a
lake) totherescueof thedrowning
Colleen (showing a colleen pair
of heels in the act) suffered in -- :- ...... -
consequence of one of them.
Miles was so long gone that the
idea was fostered that he was
having a quiet pipe miles below, -
with the Colleen, perhaps, giving -
him one of those, irrepressible --
songs of hers. At any rate, her ,- -_-
subsequent rescue, afterthelength ""--
nf time she remained in the wa- .. ---
ter, conclusively proved she was u1, 1N .S ,'N EA SURFAce, OR TIL
not a Colleen Bawn to be (OLt.REN (OT) B^A'HESN TO SOWNED.
drowned.

2 FT

FLOATS
These fugitive notes
iy nr,-,tions rIompTe-,

- ,

J ." .i tl. \ i 8 8 li .

I didn't wait for the burlesque-performances an hour and a half late
and catching last trains are luxuries only to be enjoyed separately-but
I am tohl. by those with whom trains are a by-word and fleeting time a
,scorn, that Mr. E. Lyons again distinguished himself (as Leporello), and
that Mr. Redmondand Miss Laura Lindon briskly kept the ball a-rolling.

ir. Brooke announces that no play will remain in the bill longer than
a week. Te "- S of 1,r was announced for Monday last, and next week
vOaUl Sea if Ice see it-for in that case I shall have something to say
aoul k.
Mr. Wilson Barrett has accepted a new piece for the Princess's, by
Mr. G. R. Sims. It is to be called The Outcas's, and is to have one of
Those oat-and-ont casts which we often hear about but very seldom see.

After a short summer occupation by Messrs. Wentworth and Granville
n-- -.-, -r tlhi 13th) the Royalty will be subjected to considerable
S. i ,... will suffer a revolution, in fact), and be opened in
.. .r. under the management of Miss Lydia Thompson (Mrs.
I' i :: r. Ths iis a fact ; I wouldn't Miss Lydia on such a point !

Mr. D'Oyley Carte's new theatre is to be opened, it is expected,
somewhere about October; not that I should have at all been knoctober
if it wasn't. Patience will then shift her quarters to Beaufort Buildings,
where, nearer to the flowing river, she will continue her tide of success
-for she i? a success undoubtedly.
A fad-of-the-hour success,
A very esteemed success;
A solid financially,
Booking substantially
"Month in advance success.

As soon as the Opera Comique loses its Patience, Claude Duv'al, by
Messrs. Solomons and Stephens, will take possession, under the manage-
I ment of Mr. R. Barker. What were a highwayman without his Barker ?

Mr. Augustus Harris has engaged Miss Helen Cresswell for the Drury
Lane autumn melodrama, which is adding a new leaf to the Drury Lane
Miss Helenies. Mr. Harris's
Patrons have mustered well
hitherto; now they will have
Cress-well also.

Miss Litton, by the way, of
S' whose company Miss Cresswell
S.-- is at present a member, is de-
/'- lighting audiences nightly, at the
S. Court, with her performance in
The Country Girl. Peggy is the
-': same well-studied, bright, charm-
ing creature she was at the Gaiety
'''ii i li last winter, acting as witchily as
-11 U, ^i --'~f ever.
f. Under the patronage of Mr.
-'t" T VW. E. Gladstone, Mr. Penning-
ton will give some recitations
this (Wednesday) afternoon at
St. James's Hall. I hope he'll
have a good haul.

In a letter to a contemporary,
S- -- enclosing a subscription for the
--- -7 benefit of the "turned out"
Maybury annuitants, a well-
PEnGG BEHAVING WYCHERLv-.MAKING known stage manager says, "I
EYES IN DOUBLrT AND Nosa. think if a few of us give 2s. 6d.
per week it would add to the
scanty amount to each one." It dois seem probable, does it not?
Suppose you all put it to the proof.

The "new and poetical play" by Mr. Geo. F. Thomson, produced
on Wednesday last at a morning performance at the Globe, under the
auspices of Mr. Geo. Giddens, of the Criterion, has little in it that is
new, and less that is poetical-beyond its story, which seems to be a
sort of compilation of A Republican Marriage and The Lady of Lyons,
with the final catastrophe from Victor Hugo's Ninety Three thrown in.
The piece is dramatic, however, and has one very strong situation in the
third act.
The acting left little to be desired. Mr. F. H. Macklin could scarcely
be improved upon ; his Pierre was a manly and finished performance.
Mr. A. M. Denison was a good Bremont; and Mr. Giddens did the
little he had to do like an artist. Miss Alice Ingram made a touching
Mathilde. Mr. A, H. Forrest also lent valuable assistance.
NESTOR,

JULY 6, i88i.

FUN.

NOT AN EXCEPTION.
I 'VE lived a stirring sort of life,
And not without variety
Of pain and pleasure, peace and strife,
Of yearning and satiety ;
Yet I am still the giddy fool
That I in youth was thought to be;
You '11 find the world, though, as a rule,
No wiser than it ought to be.
My morals are beyond a doubt.
I have a turn for piety.
I seldom drink when dining out,
And don't sing "luraliety."
I 'm not, perhaps, as meek and mild
As I of yore was taught to be;
But then you '11 find the British child
No humbler than he ought to be.
I 've battled for a livelihood
In journalist society,
And, though my work is far from good,
I 've gained some notoriety.
I 'm not the tuneful Muses' thrall
That, tooth and nail, I've fought to be,
But then you '11 find the poets all
No better than they ought to be.
In short. I 'm not a tittle worse
In morals and propriety,
In point of poetry or purse,
Than average society.
I cannot represent the beau
Iddal that I've sought to be,
But then the average is low-
Much lower than it ought to be!

Household Fact.
VWHLN the lady of a house finds fauit
with cook, why does cook slam the dooas
for the rest of the day? Don't you know,
pretty little newly-married chicksies?
Cooky slams the doors because she aren't
slam the missus.

Tropic Topics.
AN American artist has painted a series
of pictures of tropical scenery on such a
grand and imposing scale that he will never
be able to exhibit them properly until he
appropriates the equator and hangs them
literally "on the line."

DENTISTICAL QUERY.-"Is every man
with loose teeth a rattling good talker? "

EVERY MAN HAS HIS MISSION.
.Aiss Lorne Tennys (whose Partner has lost the Match for her).-" WELL, CAPTAIN BATTER,
I HOPE YOU'LL BE A LITTLE MORE USEFUL IN THE NEXT GAME."
Captain B.-"HAW-AW-YAAS. USEFUL? FACT IS, IN OUR WEGIMENT-FELLAWS--
AW-WATHER PWIDE-THEMSELVES-HAW-ON-ER-BEINC-HAW-AW-ORNAMENTAI. !"

CURT COMMENTS.
A LADY at Lymington, accused of keeping a dog without a licence, in
writing to the Inland Revenue Commissioners, pleading inadvertence,
used a sheet of paper bearing her armorial crest, and, as she had not a
licence for armorial bearings, she has had to pay for that also. We
should have thought, from the fuss about the dog, this would have acur'd
to her at the time. She is now considerably cresifalL-kn.
On the occasion of the Royal Review, it is the intention of the Ranger
of Windsor Forest to allow, under restrictions, the erection of contractors'
Refreshment booths. This is considerate, as, the affair taking place in
the height of summer, 'Arry cannot stand the 'eat without a proportionate
amount of drink.
A police constable, accused of assaulting a Mr. Herbert, was cor-
mitted for trial. His cognomen was Pharaok Stinganmore. He certainly
doesn't bear a good name.
On the occasion of a son and heir being born to the Marquis of Bute,
the church bells at Cardiff rang the whole day, flags were flying, and
most of the tradesmen made a display of bunting. Although some
might think this Much Ado about Nothing, it certainly shows Buteiful
feeling.
It is stated that Mr. Parnell has decided to sail some time this month
for America, where he will "stump the country," We suppose he ex-
pects a tree-mendous "root-itoo" from the different branches of the Land
League before he leaves.

According to the Globe, Sir Wilfrid Lawson is accused of having, at
a public meeting, advocated abstinence from labour. We think this I
must be a mistake. With all his faults, Sir Wilfrid is not a lazy man
many of his jokes are decidedly labored.
At Kidderminster, the mayoress unveiled a statue of Sir Rowland
Hill that had been paid for by penny subscriptions ; and subsequently
Sir Rupert Kettle delivered an address, in which he spoke of the great
benefits arising from the scheme of the penny postage. We hope he
alluded to Sir Rowland as a man of the right stamp.
The comet has been a regular star" in its way, for it has been one
of the principal topics of conversation of an evening. It certainly was
uncommonly plain, for we noticed that every one seemed able to see it,
even those who had a glass."
An attempt is being made to dispose of the Great Eastern steam-
ship by private treaty. If unsuccessful, the vessel will be offered for
sale by auction in October. We fear that, from the size of the ship,
whoever purchases it will find it "a big sell."
The collection ot pipes exhibited at the Alexandra Palace is lent by
Mr. William Bragge, of Birmingham, who has spent thirty years in
getting them together. We believe there are some people who consider
a life devoted to pipe collecting is nothing to Bmragg," about.

SONG FOR BOATING CADS ON THE RIVER,-" We are all members
of the Row-locking Rams I "

4 FUN. JULY 6, 88i.

MAKING A VEGETARIAN. A HOLIDAY EXPLOIT.

9 1. t i

.,i Ii H F 6-- _o ,_ -

He in t at hole, hiding," mused our friend Weekstrip. Now, if I
could train him to -

I r 1 0,:ill

The fact i, W. had a shrewd notion of shifting tie expense of its keep. First, lie
nibbed aloes on Ihs arni and let it taste that. Its disgust was obvious.

--_-.-2--- -

In two das.~ all the landlady's plalts were stripped bae. The Vegetarian
proselyLtisi had .uL- ecded mairvellut-iy Weekstrip damclled in conscious
and cuuning triuniph.

" Would you have any objection to ... ... .,r, E. ::tarian principles,
ma'am ?" said W. Not a I .. i I I.., affably.

Then he rubbed sugar on a choice geratnium of the landla y','.'i
invited it to partake of that.

"I have put your friend's board down in the bill," said the kindly landlady.
It's all very well when you provides the nourishment for them as you brings
with you ; but when they feeds on my plants 1 must put it down as a hitem."

/ I

THE ROYAL REVIEW.
Her Majesty (decorating Volunteer),-" IT GIVES ME GREAT PLEASURE, MR. BULL, TO REVIEW YOU."
31r. Bull.-" AND I AM DELIGHTED TO HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY, AFTER SO LONG A TIME, OF
RE-VIEWING YOUR MAJESTY."

FTN'.-JULY 6, 1881.

iJr 6, .8S,. F U N .

A BALLADE OF SEASONS.. ,
WINTER is here, in sky, and land, and sea:
The firelight comes from out the murky mine,
And warms our hearts to mirth and jollity,
With joy of love, of friendship, and of wine; ,
The holly and the mistletoe entwine, .
.\ nd life is full of minstrelsy and mumming- '
'et this bright page a thought will interline,
Summer is coming !" i '

The Spring is with us, clothing ev'ry tree
With Summer leaves: the sun begins to shine
With warmer rays than when it icily
Ilanced on the skaters swiftly running line
Over the frozen water, edged with pine
Screening the glassy lake from cold winds, numbing
The fair onlookers. Now Spring gives us sign
Summer is coming !
i summer is coming with its rose and vine
To charm and warm the hearts of all! and we,
Led on by Spring to ways of love, decline
To think of Winter's cold of low degree,
But fix high hopes upon some lovely shrine,
Or think of holidays, when discipline
No longer forces us to hateful summing !
Old age and youth in one glad cry combine-
Summer is coming !"

Envoy.
She comes-my love she whispers, I am thine "
She's true as steel-I know she isn't "humming" !
My Summer is with her with her-in fine-
Summer is coming !

Ne credo Colori.
IT is certainly a novel instance of the power of genius
when we find a novelist able to make all who speak of his
Madcap Violet think of Black."

WASTE OF BREATH.-Telling an ill-natured woman to
keep her temper, as if she were ever likely to get rid of it!

TERRIBLE AND HEARTLESS CASES OF THEFT.-The
ladies who have been seen wearing those abominable crino-
lines are surely guilty of STEELING.

2ESTHETIANA-THE CHINA CRAZE.
Lady Chelsea Ware (with Vase).-"YES; IT IS QUITE TOO DISTINCTLY
TENDER. YESTERDAY IT KNOCKED AGAINST A LOATHLY MODERN
PLATE-AND CHIPPED "
Chortus of .,"sthetes.-" QUITE TOO PRECIOUSLY TERRIBLE "
Lady C. WI.-"I TREATED IT WITH DIAMOND CEMENT, AND HEART.
THROBBINGLY WATCHED BY ITS SIDE THE LIVELONG NIGHT. TO-DAY-
TO-DAY-IT IS AS WELL AS CAN UE EXPECTED!"

Diplomacy under Difficulties.
THE diary of Mustapha Pasha, the Tunisian Envoy in Paris, is a
masterpiece in the art of grinning and bearing it. We select a few ex-
tracts for the sake of the fine philosophy of resignation they convey.
They only represent one day, but that day is as moral and as melancholy
as all Young's Night Thoughts" :-
Five a. m.-Got up, and in the comparative privacy of a Grand Hotel
bed-room (walls like wafers, and door won't shut) ventured to turn my
face towards Mecca and make my orisons. Didn't exactly invoke
blessings on the Giaours, whose guest-oh, yes, altogether too much so !
-I am. Washed. When one has to defer to their beastly opinions,
why stop at any point? Spit on their loathed Legion of Honour, as a
kind of comfort to myself; but had to put it on.
Six.-Received amiably nineteen tradesmen touting for orders, and
two hundred gentlemen shouting for orders with a ribbon attached.
Distributed both kinds lavishly-hang them !-I don't mean the orders,
but the recipients.
Seven to Nine.-Went out, and smiled benignly to gamins gibing at
me in street. Said I was proud to be their fellow-citizen-the atrocious
little blackguards Breakfasted with half a dozen generals, and con-
gratulated them on the success of their valiant army-horde of ruffians !
Nine to Twelve.-Visited; delighted with every trophy of French
prowess, from the Invalides flags to the Arc de Triomphe. Took off my
fez to the latter, which the ignorant dogs accompanying me took for a
mark of signal reverence, and were accordingly delighted at. Scratched
my name on the Venddme Column (I had a certain pleasure in scratch-
ing!) and kissed the Bastille one.
7welve to One.-Another breakfast-the hogs !-this time with diplo-
matists. Congratulated them heartily on the way they had diddled
Italy and done for us, and took too much champagne out of compli-
ment to them.
Two.-Retired to bed-room and had couscoussou to pull myself to-

gether. Then saw Gambetta, and told him Tunis was mad with joy
to have him as President of its Chamber.
Thiree.-Grtvy. Compliments in brass, and decorations in diamonds.
Four.-Jardin d'Acclimatation ; more compliments and diamonds-
heaps to keeper of monkey-house.
Five to Seven.-Visits to bigwigs; still more compliments and bril.
liants, and I am half dead for want of a siesta. Said the Bois licked
creation ; infinitely prefer the Sahara.
Seven to Nine.-Dined. How they do rouge. Ambassadors-worse
-ladies present. Vile females-poushk! Again too much wine-out
of compliment-the swine !
Nine. -Tosomewhereorother,not quitesure,-theatre, I think. Blaze
of light; dancing, singing. May have been a ball. Got rid of fifty
thousand francs, anyhow.
Subsequently supper-truffles; MoUt ; flirtation. And worse-in.
terviewed by four chroniqueurs on my way home. Oh, diplomacy, what
evils are committed in thy name !

Not in the Programme.
THE ladies have just held at the Albert Hall a Domestic Economy
Congress lasting a week. On the last day they requested Lord Alfred
Churchill to kindly read a paper, written by one of the lady members,
on "The Prevention of Disease," and that genial nobleman complied.
But his lordship began to feel awkward when repeated reference was
made to "feeding-bottles," and uncomfortable when he discoursed on
the details arising from "tight stays," but he broke down in confusion
and merriment at having to deprecate the use of compressing gar-"
no, compressing leglets." Peers of the realm are not given to fun, but
Lord Alfred at the Albert Hall must have a per'd intensely comic.

SCYTHE-IAN MusIc.-Mowers' Melodies.

s FUN. TULY i.

THE SONG OF THE BRIGHT-GREEN IDIOT. TURF CUTTINGS; or PADDOCK AND PARLIAMENT.

The presence of the deadly chemical recently proved to have a place in tins of pre-
served peas, as well as that of most of the other noxious ingredients introduced into
pickles, canned provisions, and so forth. is, in the first instance, due to a foolish
liking for brightness on the part of consumers.--I ide Newspaper.

'. ,," ,

OH. give the Idiot's mind a treat
And put bright colours in all I eat,
And note the pleasure the zany feels
When noxious chemicals tint his meals!
I 'd gladly mount to the rainy skies
And eat of the rainbow's brightest dyes-
But no ; there isn't contained in these
Sufficiently poisonous substances!
For mine's the idiot mind that starts,
And fondly fosters the lethal arts
Of rogues who "bottle" and "can," and treat
With deadly poisons the things you eat.
The zany sinks to a dismal mood
When people show him untinted food :
And all provisions he will refuse
Unless of the vividest rainbow hues.
He beats his breast and he wildly groans
At food appearing in Nature's tones ;
Hle will not dine and he will not sup
Intil you take them and touch them up.
He loves the homicide all his might
Who "'' fakes provisions to make them bright;
With strong devotion that ne'er shall fade
He loves the poisoner's cheerful trade.
He owns an eye that can quickly tell
An irritant poison, and likes it well;
But a strong corrosive, that gripes and stirs
To grim convulsions, he much prefers;
A fine discriminant taste he brings
To bear on the various deadly things:-
"That's nitrate of zinc," he explains, "and this
Is mercury, tempered with verdigris."
His honest affection and faith he pins
To the felon who pickles, preserves, and tins;
The latter may thank, for his worldly gain,
The Bright-Green Idiot's teeming brain.
Just give to the Idiot wholesome meats
Untouched by the homicide's tinting feats,
He'll send to the oilman who nearest dwells
For the brightest pigments the party sells;
He '11 paste it on in the wildest way,
Till the wholesome provender's bright as day-
As the brightest day that you e'er have met-
And then consume it without regret.
For ev'ry chemical deadly grain
That things in bottles and tins contain,
And the bottling homicide's lethal pranks,
Let the Bright-Green Idiot have the thanks.

Hard Lines.
COOKING classes are very good in their way, but it isn't pleasant to
come home, hungry and tired, and hear that your enthusiastic wife has
gone out, taking the cook with her, to have a cookery lesson, and that
there is no dinner.

TO THE EDITOR OF "FUN.'
SIR,-I continue my extracts :-
Mlonday, 7une 271th. Later.-Great interest displayed by cook and
arrand boy in seeing me launch. Have managed to lift coracle with
pieces of paper. We defile down garden to river (1Mem.-Consequences
of touching pitch-defiling). Thing seems rather wobbly, but floats all
right. Launch. S How beastly muddy the bottom of the
river is at Putney! Good job that waterman was by in his boat, or
I don't know how I should have got out. He caught the coracle,
too, and holds it while I get in-carefully this time. I have to sit
in bottom; knife-board gone for ever; kept tight hold of hitcher,
though, so got paddle all right. Man wants to know what I'm going
to give him. * Good job I held tight, or I should have
been over again. What a shove the beast gave it! What strong lan-
guage those fellows can use, too! Believe he could have got five
shillings for me, as he says, if he'd let me drown. Must be careful to
keep "in shore," so as to get out easily if I topple over again. As
soon as I can, get some "way" on and make the thing leave off wob-
bling and waltzing round down river. * Can't get any way
on; here I am at Battersea, and it 's quite dark; shall hold on to bridge
with hitcher till tide turns. Jingo nearly over again *
Tide turned; moonlight, going on swimmingly-hooray! Just past
Hammersmith. Damp clothes beginning to feel chilly. Here's Barnes.
Wonder if White Horse is closed? It isn't. Have drinks. Borrow
dry clothes of waiter. Off again-tide still running up. Reach lock.
Land quietly and put up for night in lock-keeper's wood-shed.
7'Tcsaay, 28t1h.-Overslept myself. Lock-keeper seems to doubt my
statement that I couldn't make him hear last night and waited till morning
rather than go on without paying the toll. He says I 'm too honest
to last," and rather jeers at the coracle. He calls it a "clothes'-basket,"
and wants to charge for it as a steam-launch. Get a boy to tow to
Hampton Court. He calls the coracle a "rummy thing." At Hamp-
ton Court he wants two shillings; I offer him a glass of beer instead.
Try to get through Moulsey Lock free, as member of Press. Lock-
keeper don't see it; long dispute-end it by lifting coracle on shoulders
and walking up towpath. Great discovery-get on ever so much
quicker walking! Walk on past Sunbury. Tired walking-do more
coracling. Pass Penton Hook. Walk to Staines-more drinks. Come
to conclusion that a coracle isn't much of a boat, but a capital thing
to keep the rain off when you walk. Take to water other side of
Belle Weir. Must be getting au fait-coracle doesn't "wobble" half
as much as usual. Seems harder to get along, though. Hullo, it's
getting wet at bottom Here I Some of the pitch has got rubbed off,
and the water's soaking through the canvas-it's over my boots-up
to my knees-my waist. Hoi 1 hoi somebody stop my coracle I 'm
in the water. My head begins to swim, but my body insists on sinking,
head has to follow. I begin to gurgle. Somebody jumps in after me.
I embrace him affectionately. IHe punches my head, but my affection
will not be restrained. He punches my head more. * I
am on the bank, panting. Party in dripping flannels wants to know
what I clung like that for, you fool? Don't explain. Where's my
coracle? Goodness knows-miles away by this time. I 'm glad of it-
more trouble than it's worth. Shall walk the rest of way.
Saturday, ?uly 2nd.-HENLEY. Got here Wednesday night. No
beds. Slept in the open. Have spent two bustling days. Been chiveyed
out of the home field, hustled off the bridge, kicked out of the Lion,
refused admission to the Press boat, chucked into "the bushes," and
chucked out of the stand. In revenge, chaffed the Cornell crew about
being excluded from the Visitors' Cup. It is a mistake to suppose that
effectively throwing out the left is confined to the mother country.
I have a black eye. I am also very hungry-couldn't get a lunch any-
where to-day-am coming home by train as a "returned empty."
Yours, &c., TROPHONIUS.
P.S.-Extra exertions have been made to bring the Committee
training for the Irish Land Scurry to a finish at Westminster. Some
progress has been made, but it seems a long job. Gladstone dis-
tinguished himself in a masterly manner on Foreign Policy on Friday
(24th ult.), and Dilke came in a good second on the stable companion.
P.S. 2.-Who gave you Bonnie Doon for the Northumberland Plate?
Who was it, eh ? See my tip last week, "sweet Bonnie Doon will run
better than all," and answer 'straight and fair.

Who No's?
THE well-known Welsh air, "Ar Hyd y Nos," was named after its
composer, Harry de Nos. He was so called from being the possessor
of the castle in South Wales now the property of Madame Patti, "Craig
y Nos."

S"UMPIM IN P ." T T" SHAKESPEARE FOR THE RACE-COURSE.--All the world's a "drag,"
AN "UU.PtiP.IUM IN IMPERIO."-The British "'Umpire" at "Lords." and men and women on it merely uhmchers."

JULY6, i88i. F TNT. 9

ANi EXEMPLARY JURY. I i '!l '

I ..I .!

L GD

THE worthy FUN takes pleasure in
His often-followed occupation
Of seeking breasts on which to pin
The medal of his approbation;
And, in a world where folks around
Too often raise his scorn or fury,
He is delighted to have found
A truly most deserving jury.
It comforts one who has to mourn
So oft timidity's dominion,
To see the men of Sittingbourne
Possess the pluck of their opinion;
They boldly recognize, instead
Of showing weakly hesitation,
That going to the fountain-head
Alone produces reformation.
While timid jurymen combine
To ticket all things detrimental
Occurring on a railway line
As due to chance and accidental,
Or, now and then, severely pile
The blame on those of low condition,
The Great Directors blandly smile
And revel in their safe position.
Now FUN (who is at present date
A greatly gratified reflector
About that jury) begs to state
He does not hate the Great Director;
"But if"-(says FUN, with satire, dry,
Yet admirably keen and polished)-
"He's irresponsible, says I,
Why, 'ang it, let 'im be abolishedd"
So FUN rejoices to endow
With highest honours-(let them don them)-
The jury who would not allow
The coroner to sit upon them;
With very heartiest of zests
He '11 pledge them in a deep potation:
He pins to their deserving breasts
The medal of his approbation.

Men of Metal.
WE have now a Commander-in-Chief in Ireland (Sir T.
Steel) and 30,000 troops. But the foeman, alas! is not worthy
of our Steel," nor of our bayonets either.

A "Fit" of the "Blues."
THE most appropriate cricket costume for the two Univer-
sity elevens would most assuredly be the blouse; light blouse
or dark, according to the side wearing it.

Advice to File-osophers.
"THE Files of Time," mentioned by the poet, may be
obtained at any ironmonger's. When asking for them, pre-
sent your pro-file to the shopman, and be careful to avoid
being served with an Indian file.

A MAN WHO IS CONSTANTLY "PUTTING HIS FOOT INTO
IT. "-A jockey who wears spurs.

gW To CORRSPOSiODKNTS.-T7"e Editor does not bind himself to
accompaie.

NO FALSE PRIDE.
First News Boy.-" 'Ow ARE YER GETTING' ON, BILLY? NIGH SOLD OUT
YET?"
Second N. B.-" WHAT BUSINESS IS THAT O' YOURN ? "
First N. B.-" OH, I AIN'T ABOVE TAKIN' A INTEREST IN THE
SNEANKINEST AN' DIRTIEST 0' CRITTERS !"

Coming Events cast their Shadows before.
THERE seems to be very little doubt that the Channel Tunnel scheme will be an
accomplished fact before many years, and that the tourist of the future will have
to talk of "running under" to Paris instead of "running over." Even the
difficulty of invasion by our opposite neighbours has been met, for it is shown that
they could not take French leave in the matter, because it is so arranged that
on a given sign the machinery can successfully inundate the entire arrangement.
This, of course, is a great boon, and very reassuring ; but supposing the thing
were not a signal success, we should Dred to enter the tunnel for fear of a dismal
swamp; added to which, what an opportunity it would be for those people who
create panics in theatres, or who place stones on the railway lines to wreck trains,
with simply the savage delight of killing so many people. It would be a lovely
opportunity for them, to say nothing of the infatuated Fenians who are now de-
voting themselves to the destruction of our buildings by dynamite. To give them
an opportunity of destroying us wholesale vid the French tunnel would be Galgling
in the extreme.
LATE advices from Melbourne report the arrival there of a consignment of English
fish and game preserved in ice. An Australian journal, recording the event, says
that the viands were unpacked "with something of the reverence of a religious
ceremony. The choice fish were eaten gravely, austerely, in sole-ma conclave of
experts;" accompanied, it might be added, with psalm-on-ody. The reverend
elders, who of-fish-iated in these rites, must have found their celebration reely in-
whiting. It seems equally clear, too, that in sending out this piscatorial cargo the
mother country was rendering truly ef-fish-ient service to her distant children.
The prices realized by the fish were something startling. Salmon, 5s. to 6s. per
lb.; turbot, 4s.; soles, 4s. What will our great Billingsgate salesmen say to this ?
How well we can fancy them tearing their hair, and saying, "Gumrn it I that's the
plaice for us." By the way, what a brilliant idea it would be to ship off Billings-
gate itself, or at least the market sharks, with the next fish cargo to the antipodes !
They may not themselves be the most bene-fish-al gifts to bestow upon even far-
away friends, but let us get rid of them anyhow, and not only will there be more
fish brought to market to send out to our colonies, but enough and more than enough
for home consumption. This will be a work of sound philanthropy.

acknowzleifre, return, or pay for Contributions. In no case will thel be returned unless
d tby a stamtfled and directed ereeloee.

10 FOJ JULY 6, s881.

NO JOBBER.
C ;.-" HULLO, JEM, ON THE JOB, EH?" 7e7.-" NO, SIR, ON THE CADGE!"

The Force's Six-shooters.
THE fact that the Force (there is only one force, and Mr. Vincent is
its prophet) is being put through a course of revolver drill, is a tacit,
though a noisy, acknowledgment that the roughs, the roysterers, the
Radicals, or the Home Rulers (we don't know which of the criminal
classes), is becoming too much for us. But we ought not to stop here.
Base is the slave who limits himself to a six-shooter. We want a force
capable of using every weapon, seeing that it has to deal with every
class, and pretty well every nationality. We therefore insist upon the
immediate establishment of these manly police exercises. To begin
with ;-
A course of knoberries, with a Caribbean Islander imported as tutor ;
the classes to be held every morning at Kennington Oval, and the exercises
to be supplemented by a little tuition in the use of the boomerang; useful
for running-in drunk and incapable colonists.
Infernal machine-throwing could be practised in Battersea Park; and
if the throwers used Battersea Bridge as a target, it wouldn't be held an
unpardonable offence by lovers of the picturesque. This art of offence
would serve to overawe autocrats of rebellion; there are said to be a
few thousand of them going about.
The claymore, and putting the hammer, would obviously be practised
in Scotland Yard. The claymore would correct the effects of Scotch
whisky, and the hammer might be put on midnight knocker-wrenchers.
Torpedo practice would only be indulged in by the Thames Police; if

they could get rid of a few steam launches by this means, a grateful
country would pension them. Javelins would do to prick up poor
orange women who won't move on, and stilettos would impress the
criminal organ-grinder. Krupps and Armstrongs would come in handy
in the event of Parliament "scenes," which nothing short of them is
likely to suppress.
Entertainments.
HENGLER'S CIRQUE.-The Promenade Concerts have opened with,
seemingly, every prospect of brilliant success. The elegant decorations,
splendid appointments, singing by artistes of high repute, music played
by the super-excellent band, and the studious care shown for the comfort,
convenience, and pleasure of the public, certainly deserve a full meed of
appreciation.
MR. W. IRVING BISHOP'S Exposition of the "Manifestations" of
Spiritualists drew together a discriminating audience, to whom he made
it clear, in a "Spirited way, that those Manifestations" can easily
be effected without the influence or assistance of the so-called "Spirits.
In Suspense.
* COMETS have from time immemorial been supposed, by nervous and
credulous persons at least, to mean something; but of the present one
it cannot be said that "thereby hangs a tale," because, as a matter of
fact, the tail is up at the top, and thereby hangs the comet.

London: Printed by Dalziel Broti ers, at their Camden Press, High Street. N.W.. and PUblished (for the Proprietors) by T. Moffi:t, at 153 Flect Sueet, E.C.
Wednesday, July 6, 1881.

JULY 13, 1881 FUN.

Ode to the Thames. --
Found on the back ofa Medical Certifica', e.
NOBLE old Father Thames, -''--
One cruel fate condemns -----
Daily to nibble stems i-.-
Drawn from a gander; --
One who's obliged to write
Invoices morn till night, -
Over thy bosom bright
Longs to meander. -
Why should grim fate permit
One who can scull a bit,
In Capel Court to sit
This sunny weather?
When he knows Someone who -
Could steer a Henley crew,
Why aren't these clever two
Boating together ? 4
If,-ah, that cruel "if!"-
'Twere not for "guv'nor" stiff,
Soon in a little skiff
Built for a couple,
Quick from the bank would fly
Someone dressed daintily
Swiftly borne on by my
Arms strong and supple.
One whom this may concern,
Ropes holding in the stern,
Head up the stream would turn,
Hamper behind us;
Placidly rowing on,
Med'nam and Hambledon,
Wargrave and Henley gone,
Sonning would find us.
Then comes another phase,-
Salmon and Mayonnaise,
Pie that they often raise,
Raised for our journey;
Spread out beside the stream
Chicken and salad gleam,
Strawberries, too, and cream,
Wine from Epernay.
One with a good cigar
Both very happy are,
We sitting very far
From one another.
"One kiss and never tell?
No? Then I must compeL"
Struggles not very well
Feigned I must smother.
Long though the lane may prove,
Through it though sweet to move,
Safe to appear's the groove
Known as a turning;
Sad I should turn the boat,
Still there 's an antidote,-
Someone turns too, I note,
Salving my yearning.
Shiplake would vanish fast,
Rem'nam go quickly past,
Marlow be made at last, STRANGE IMPERTINENCE.
"Puppy-pie" city.
"Thanks, Father Thames," we'd say, Pastor.-"YES, MRS. BROWN. TAKING INTO CONSIDERATION TIHE FACT THAT TI1E
"For this, a happy day," SMITHS HARDLY EVER PAY THEIR PEW RENTS, IT IS STRANGELY BAD TASTE ON THEIR
Few, far between, are they- PART TO SING SO LOUDLY, AND THROW SUCH UNCTION INTO THEIR PRAYERS,
More is the pity. Mrs. Brown.-" QUITE TOO TERRIBLY SHOCKING !

An Awkward Moment. The Mildness of the Season.
AT the recent opening of the Infirmary in Marylebone by the Prince THE wonderfully warm weather that we have just experienced does
and Princess of Wales, there was an intensely comic incident. His not, it seems, suit everybody. Mr. John Fennell, for instance, is a
Royal Highness had been asked to make a speech, and the Bishop of martyr to it. Hie has been charged with a violent assault, and the
London to invoke a blessing on the building; and, by some misunder- woman who preferred the charge stated that, according to the weather,
standing, they both chose the same moment for commencing. The so the prisoner treated her. At the present season, of course, she
situation can be imagined, each politely saying, "After you," though, naturally "got it hot !" but we expect, from the evidence, Mr. Fennell
if the Bishop had been smart, he might have delivered himself of a would strike her in cold blood just the same. We fear he is a brute
bon mot that would have handed down his name to posterity, but weather or no.
Bishops apparently don't See a joke. What we should have said, had
we been his Lordship of London, is, "After you, Ipray." A "COOL" OFFICIAL,.-An Ice-berg-omaster.

V0P, 2xxIl.-NO. 84+.

FUN.

JULY 13, I38I.

FLOATS AND FLIES.

12

By the way, the seat
assigned to me on the
occasion was the cor-
ner stall marked No. i.
This was no doubt se-
lected as suggestive of
the number one "
character of Mr. FUN,
and not at all as indi-
cating the likelihood
of his being "corner-
ed ;" but such honour
has its disadvantages.
In the way of sketch-
ing, for instance, soles
of boots are apt to ob-
trude themselves, and
become too important

.. '12-.

in the picture. Dance and Exeunt.
There is compensation for all things, however, and my position gave
me one advantage over the majority of the audience in that I became
the witness of the most private signals passing from the individual vaguely
indicated in the initial to the leader of the orchestra ; the gentle nod,
the deprecating shake of the head, the mild surprise, the mysterious
finger-sign-all, all were shared by me !
I suppose the excessive heat of the weather must be credited with the
rather scanty audience assembled to witness the very complete represen-
tation of The School for Scandal presented at the Olympic on the 4th inst.
Miss Marie de Grey, as the lady in whom Sir Peter discovers he has
married-a-grey mare that is much the better horse, was sprightly and
pleasing, showing even higher qualities in the screen scene, although the
latter part of this was too uniformly tearful.
Such performers as Mr. and Mrs. Chippendale it is always a delight to
witness, and Mrs. Candour and Sir Peter lose nothing in their practised
hands. Mr. Arthur Wood plays Crabtree with quite an unctuous enjoy-
ment ; Mr. Righton's Moses is a delicious bit of character; Mr. C. W.
Somerset makes a picturesque Joseph, and Mr. P. Beck a vivacious
Charles.
The piece was only to be played for one week, and before these lines
see the light She Stoops to Conquer will have taken its place in the bills,
which will in its turn give way to As You Like It on Friday.

~1

SISS HILDA HILTON com-
I/ 1menced a series of matinees at the
Globe on the 2nd inst. The play
chosen for the occasion was the
now somewhat musty Frou-Frou,
a piece in which any exponent of
the principal part must lay herself
open to dangerous comparisons.
To my mind the piece is
thoroughly artificial and unsym-
pathetic anyway, and Miss Hilton
is, unfortunately, not able to in-
IL- vest the heroine of it with any
S particular attractiveness. Her
evident stage experience enables
her to carry the assumption
through without distinct offence,
however.
The remainder of the cast calls
for little comment. Miss Marie
Illington is, on the whole, refined
and effective in the quieter scenes,
A but scarcely "rises" to the cele-
brated quarrel between the sis-
/ terms. The soda-water-cork-like
popping of snaps and squeaks
between her and Miss Hilton at this point are a trifle comic.
Mr. Beerbohm Tree is, perhaps, the most successful, though even he
is rather fidgety, and, when I saw him, seemed not too familiar with the
text; and, what with his fidgetiness and Mr. Grahame's repeatedly
slapping his feet down in the first act, I should scarcely have been sur-
prised to see them carry into execution the familiar stage direction,
"dance and exeunt."
e Mr. A. H. Forrest gives a fair portrayal of Henri, and Miss M. Bell
made a creditable first appearance, performing her part without undue
M. Bellishment.

12

A Scene of (F)animation.
In the latter piece Miss de Grey will play Rosalind, and I hope that
people in rows on Rows 'll-ind-icate their pleased approval.

All playgoers will regret the sudden termination of Miss Litton's
Old Comedies Season" at the Court, both on account of the cause
(the indisposition of the talented manageress) and the loss they themselves
sustain ; yet will we hope for the resumption of the series at some future
time. It's very unfortunate; just as they were going to give A Bold
Stroke from the pen of
Mrs. Cowley! e I i

Messrs. Wentworth
and Granville, already I
managers of the Gar-
rick and Philharmonic r i
Theatres, opened the
Imperial on Monday
and this (Wednesda)) '
evening intend doing o* '
thesamebytheRoyalty. .
But why stop there?
TherearetheCourt, the A
Vaudeville, the Nation- I
al Standard, and the
Royal Park, all unlet. __ ..._
Why not open those .
also ? To hesitate dis-
plays a want of energy,
of spirit, of enterprise, Wood and "Chip."
as astounding as it is un-English.

Mr. and Mrs. Florence "take ship" for home at the end of the month;
they also take The Captain. The Captain is a three-act farcical comedy,
by the prolific Mr. G. R. Sims, and not the commander of the vessel.

Miss Alice Ingram joins the Surrey company, I understand, and Mr.
John Bannister goes to the Criterion. The latter should prove a support
anywhere, no matter how high a flight were taken.

Mr. J. S. Clarke is expected in England again shortly, so we may look
out for plenty of eccentric (C)larks again.

Next week you will find me on the Bronze Horse. NESTOR.

Martyrs and Children, indeed!
AN Irish paper remarks touchingly "That a martyred nation at the
stake calls on her children." Too much steak is not good for children,
so the less they respond to the martyred nation's call the better; besides,
the steak is overdone entirely: a cool vegetable diet, with doses of saline
drink instead of whiskey, would be best for the martyred nation and
her children.

"Nothing like Economy."
IT seems sad that people should still be found silly enough to commit
suicide. Our advice to morbid dyspeptics who contemplate self-destruc-
tion is, spend about half the money it costs to buy a revolver in pur.
chasing a bit of land in Ireland !

A Libel!
WHEN a man marries a woman, which is the the cheaper, the bride
or the bridegroom?-The bride, because she is ,iven away; but the
bridegroom is sold.

JULY 13, i881.

FUN.

SHADOW AND SUBSTANCE.
F awcdt.-"NOW, DON'T SAY WE'VE DONE A SHADOWY THING THIS TIME."
facliver.-" VERY GOOD, AS FAR AS IT GOES; BUT THE LADS WANT SOMETHING MUCH MORE SUBSTANTIAL."

TURF CUTTINGS; or PADDOCK AND PARLIAMENT.
TO THE EDITOR OF "FUN."
SIR,-I condescendingly oblige you with my
TIP FOR THE LIVERPOOL CUP'.
HE lay on his back in the blaze of the sun,
The seedy and elderly Prophet,
And when they remarked, You 'll be brown as a bun I
He gently retorted, What of it ? "
They hinted the sun would enfeeble his brain,
And render his intellect hazy,
They said that his laziness struck them with pain;
He murmured, I like to be lazy."
They ha, to work ceaselessly, day after day,
And therefore they (rightly or wrongly)
Applauded employment in every way,
And preached against idleness strongly.
The Prophet seemed rather inclined to avoid
The whole of the pestering number;
They bothered the Prophet, and made him annoyed,
And damaged his chances of slumber.
But all of a sudden he roused himself up,
And whispered, "I 've got it, I'm thinking:
I'll give them a tip for the Liverpool Cup-
They'll hurry to back it like winking."

And then, looking round with a lacklustre eye,
His voice most impressively hollow,
He fetched up a heavy prophetical sigh,
And gave his opinions as follow :-

"Oh, woe on the day when the Blackthorn shall fail,
A day undeniably distant;
What Knight of fair Burghley shall cowardly quail,
Though Hagioscope is persistent I
The Lancaster Bowman should make a good shot,"
Though doubtless he may not achieve it;
Roulette, though all game, may, it's possible, not
Be last, though you may not believe it."

The Prophet, excited and heated by this,
Was dabbing with handkerchief moppy
HIis face, welile he called upon all not to miss
Their chance by not backing White Poppy.
And while like a shot (from a Snider or Krupp)
They bolted (no soul interposing)
To back this straight tip for the Liverpool Cup,
The Prophet returned to his dozing.
Turning to Westminster. Training in Committee for the Land Bill
Scurry still going on. Parliamentary Oaths scratched. That's about
all this week. Yours, &c., TRorP ONIU,.

I3

I

14 FUN. JuLY i3, i88i.
THAT- LADY AGAIN.

fI .... ,- ',.
'..'l / ;', ?'"'lIh. i .

!'. i. I,, F.

t. FuN determined this year to go round, with even extra go-round-ness, toall the sigi.i. '-, ,I F..:r-' rT, r I' e I '. i ,. re .1 r I 'e 1, r :'.. ,'.
just as he was studying the first picture, who should intervene but that Lady he has i1.- I ..: r :. II i. I. 1 i. :IP .I I..
table d'httes everywhere, and calmly and offensively gazes at you from the moment you enter the door, until you have seated yourself, and until you have finished your last
nut, and until you get away round the door.
,.- _- ;

i. And all FuN knows about the following events of the season is contained in the following facts :-That at the Grosvenor, the Lady wore a Therese-Rudolph-Mkarie-Louise
Dolman over a terra-cotta plissde polonaise, with revers of peacock blue, and a corsage a basque with gauged piqu6 puffings en laveuse, with headed fold of bretelle and pouffed
back; 2 that at Ascot she had the biggest, most obtrusive, and most.persistently-up-during-the-events parasol anywhere about.

6, F-,

And that it was her launch which came up at Henley at the last moment, defied the police, smashed twenty rudders, and shut out the view of everybody all along the line.

FUN.-JULY 13, i881.

\ \ \\

EXTREMES MEET,
OR ASSASSINATION FOR DESPOT AND FOR REPUBLICAN.

JULY 13, i88i.

FUN.

OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL AT THE WINDSOR REVIEW.
THE exact uniform worn by a Venezuelan Brigadier-General of
Marines, Sir, would not, perhaps, exactly agree in every detail with the
soldierly and somewhat garish garb in which I caracoled about Windsor
Great Park last Saturday; but, as I shrewdly surmised, so it turned
out, and there was no one present at the Review capable of authorita-
tively pointing out any of the distinctions which, as I have candidly ad-
mitted, may exist. The result was that, thanks to my happy notion of
getting the house of May* to rig me out in an inexpensive though tasty
military attire, I was able, when once mounted on my charger (jobbed
for the day at Windsor) to literally go anywhere and do anything I
pleased from one end of the tented field to the other.
There was, I admit, a tendency at first on the part of the aides-de-camps
to eye me a little suspiciously; but when it was once generally known
-Major-Generally and Lieutenant-Generally known, I mean-that I
was the military-naval attache of one of the South American Powers (I
always call them South American weaknesses ;" but no matter !)-no
further doubt or surprise was expressed, but I was allowed to go where
I would, and, to tell you the whole truth, where I woukln't also-my
charger was that headstrong and self-willed I
He did not care for me a bit, in fact, or a bridle either, if it comes to
that, and, after several embarrassing halts, positively started off with me,
just as I had saluted the Royal cavalcade and was turning to join in
the brilliant staff that followed the Queen-you see, she required a
brilliant "staff" to complete the current Saturday Review to every-
body's satisfaction !
Do what I would, the horse would not stop, but, treating me as
though I had been nothing upon it, my "charger galloped madly on
across the park-in fact, across two, if you reckon the park of artillery "
he cleared in a series of bounds-till at last he stopped with me imme-
diately in front of a battalion of stalwart-looking riflemen. These worthy
full privates seeing I was a superior officer, and noticing the sabretache
flopping about at my side (for I had insisted on a sabretache), naturally
assumed I had brought them orders from their General, and with one
voice, suggestive of their western origin, asked me what they were.
I could not tell them I was a mounted fraud, a mere costumier's
Brigadier-General; and so, acting impulsively, as I often do both on and
off the stage, I cried excitedly, scarcely knowing what I said, "You
must deploy at once and form square to receive cavalry behind yonder
copse."
"And what then, Field-Marshal ?" asked the officer in command,
glancing at my Hessian boots and heavily frogged pelisse, and assum-
ing, I suppose, that so peculiar an uniform must belong to that rarely
reached military rank.
What then, sir?" I returned, doing all I knew to start my charger
again ; "why, act on the square till the reinforcements arrive!" saying
which, I found myself, much to my relief, once more scouring the green-
sward as though it had been so much brass-plate.
Many hours later-as the night was falling, in fact, and I was ambling
back to Windsor from the farther end of the Great Park-I caught sight,
in the dusk, of a body of stalwart riflemen in a hollow square, grimly
prepared to receive cavalry on the leeside of a small copse. I could
hear decided murmuring, too, in the front and sides of that devoted
parallelogram as the adult Casabiancas comprising it stuck to their
posts, and I deemed it expedient to ride as quickly away as I could into
the royal borough. It might lead to recrimination, I thought, if I tried
to explain how it was these faithful volunteers had never been reinforced;
for my utter obliviousness of the whole incident was, of course, no real
excuse. I am afraid it was my fault, though, that the 144th West
Somerset Corps was unaccountably missing from the march past.
But I anticipate. I must take you back again to the earlier hours of the
Review, when at last, after much coaxing and so-ho-then-my-beauty-
ing," I had at length induced my charger to take up a place near the
royal carriage and the saluting-post, to which, by the way, I was wag
enough to direct a strange Russian officer who had asked me for the
Windsor poste restante.
Her Gracious Majesty, struck by the bizarre character of my dress,
was pleased to notice me more than once.
"And what do you think of my Review?" my Sovereign was pleased
to say.
Why," I returned, I wish it were a Quarterly Review, that's all."
Feeling my charger was about to halt again, I hastened to add, "Your
Majesty, I now go to secure a file of your excellent Review;" and a
few moments after I was careering over the plain, not to say ugly, form
of Private O'Bogden, of the London Bog-Trotters, who, on coming to,
demanded compensation.
My subsequent adventures, Sir, had to do not so much with my
Sovereign, therefore, as with my loose silver, which I had to distribute
lavishly amongst O'Bogden and his comrades. But I will not trouble
you with such small change.
Seeing that a "March" past was to be a main feature of the day's proceedings,
I thought that the representatives of a past "May" could not fail to suit me fittingly,
or fit me suitably, Sir, whichever way you like to put it.-Y. E.-S. R.

THE READING PARTY.
Agnes.-" AND YOU ARE HERE, THEN, STUDYING FOR YOUR
EXAMINATION? "
Charles.-" YAAS; DOWN WITH A TUTOR, DON'T YOU KNOW.
WORKING AWFULLY HARD. WHAT WITH BATHING IN THE
MORNING, AND A WALK, AND BOATING IN THE AFTERNOON,
AND BILLIARDS, AND DINNER, AND A QUIET GAME OF NAP,'
WE'VE HARDLY GOT A MINUTE WE CAN CALL OUR OWN."

QUITE TOO UTTER.
THE following advertisement, cut from the columns of a provincial
paper, is too precious to be lost, only the names and localities have been
altered :-
Great Bunkum Hotel, West Grayling, near Twaddleton, for families
and gentlemen. Newly furnished by Veneer and Co. Best of wines
and spirits, lovely oceanic airs, clouds of ozone, glorious bathing. I lere,
in this Beautiful Isle of the Sea, a seraph may dwell. In winter the
temperature is soft as the memory of buried love. In former days West
Grayling was a Roman encampment; it is now the head locale of our
Blankshire Volunteers. Her Majesty's wall-post on the premises for
anxious friends, relatives, and lovers."

Like a Bird.
IT is noted, with regard to the Land Bill, that an unexpected but
extremely welcome ally has made its appearance to help Mr. Gladstone
in his difficulty. The young grouse are stated to be both plentiful and
strong this year, and it follows, as a matter of course, that no legisla-
tion, be it ever so important, will keep the majority of Members after
the 12th of August under these circumstances. They, like the grouse,
will be "on the wing" if they possibly can, and clause after clause of
the Bill will pass unquestioned rather than that our noble sportsmen
should be kept from the moors. The landlords' chances are doomed,
Moors the pity, for the line of argument that will be universally taken
at this time will be the Great Northern line.

Reforms.
GENERAL FARRE has made some more reforms in the French army.
The officers are no longer to wear white gloves, and any sign of the
"white feather" is to be promptly court-martialled. How much better,
though, if the General would insist on his men all smoking good cigars,
such as Benson of St. Paul's Churchyard sells at a reasonable price I
They would then stand some chance in the next Franco-Prussian affair.

KNOWLEDGE IS POWER,-A man who manages to run in debt must
be an owing man.

17

OUR GUIDE TO THE CAMP.

REGARDING as to Wimbledon. The sole and only "Guide,'
In any way reliable, is that that we provide;
Although, to catch the curious
The hawkers daily din
A lot o' guides that's spurious
And hasn't nothing hin ;
And when you grumble furious,
Them awkers ony grin !
And (touching as to Wimbledon) we're loathsome to condemn,
But no one but a simbledon would buy such guides as them.
We're also forced to tell you, confidential and fiduciary,
They do not give minutie sufficiently minuciary.
We say the thing in humbleness, but what we say is this-
We give you such a lot of things that other people miss,
A study of our indices conclusively will show
A lot of things you never heard, and wouldn't care to know;
In our invaluable book you '11 glean as much of worth
As if you'd been to all the distant places of the earth ;
You needn't rove the ocean any farther than you please,
If you '11 only take the trouble to explore our Indy-seas.
In any vade mecum has the mystery been cleared
Of the Bobby's-at-the-Station's-up-at-Putney-Hillses heard ?
And has our Guide to Wimbledon in any way been matched
For the telling of
THE NARRATIVE
That's thereunto attached ?
Well, here it is-On Putney Hill there lived a lovely Miss-
But see our next edition, as we haven't room in this.
On reaching Putney Station you will joyfully alight,
And scan the fine advertisements which spread to left and right,
The station-master's whiskey you can taste, if you 've a chance ;
The porters and the paper-boy will well repay a glance.
Arrival at this stopping-place will fruitfully repay
The tourist, even journeying no farther on his way,
As here the bookstall offers, be it rightfully explained,
Remarkable facilities for FUN to be obtained.
The cabs drawn up in line without are worthy of remark,
A number being painted light, and others painted dark ;

The cursory observer, with an ordinary sight,
Quite easily distinguishes the dark 'uns from the light.

UN.

JULY 13, i88i.

The Hill is now before us, and, commencing it with hope,
We notice that it's tilted, or inclined upon a slope;
To this peculiarity the fact we have to trace
Of the summit's being noticeably higher than the base.
Here stands another constable, and let the reader note
The dent upon the thirty-second button of his coat;
A very subtle interest is beautifully blent
With some degree of horror, in
THE STORY OF THE DENT.
On Putney's high acclivity- But pressing want of space
Compels the thrilling narrative to find another place.
Now having, with activity,
Surmounted this acclivity,
We notice, with hilarity and interest,
THE TREES.
It's not so much their rarity
As their peculiarity-
The natural phenomenon observable in these.
Approaching of 'em nearingly,
And gazing perseveringly,
Vou '11 notice that their branches are extended all around;
But, strangely, while the shoots of 'em
Are visible, the roots of 'em
Are wholly imperceptible and buried in the ground!
And here you notice gazingly, extended in the sun,
A man beyond-all-praise-ingly perusing of his FUN.
For FUN, the Great and Durable,
Is everywhere procurable;
By way of making sureable-
(As buyers are a host)-
Bespeak that most delectable of prints of some respectable
News-agent; or directable
(Three halfpence) by the post.
Our pen is now (though nimble) done, and-eh? "That Guide to
Wimbledon"?
Oh, dear we've overlooked the same, the which we didn't mean;
Attractions-such a load-you know,
Were found upon the road, you know,
We had, before we know'd, you know,
Forgotten of it, clean !
We'd give that Guide to Wimbledon with most obliging grace,
But really, on considering, we find we haven't space !

Our Hard-up Contributor
HAS turned up again, to our sorrow and disgust. We had fervently
hoped, from his lengthened silence, that he was a thing (we can't help
being disrespectful) of the past-that the late severe winter, the "Do-
terel" disaster, or something similarly calamitous, had been too much
for him; as he, alas! had often been too much for us. But, no, it was
not to be I Not many mornings since, to our intense mortification, we
beheld a letter in the offensively familiar handwriting, with twopencee
to pay." Of course there was the usual reference to our previous pleasant
relations (we should be sorry indeed if he were a relation), his determi-
nation to furnish us (he himself hasn't a decent chair or table in his
place) with some regular side-splitters, and winding up with a touching
appeal for a trifle in advance, to help him bury his youngest baby, aged
six months. He evidently had forgotten that this time last year we were
weak enough to send him something to pay for his wife's funeral, so we
were able to refuse by pointing out that he must have made a mistake
somewhere. Nothing daunted by being thus bowled out, and stimulated,
doubtless, by the accounts in a contemporary of a testimonial to the in-
ventor of Lawn Tennis, he actually wanted us to solicit subscriptions for
him as the introducer of "Scratch Cradle" into some of the highest
families, forwarding us copies of pretended letters of thanks he had re-
ceived from numberless notabilities. This having failed to induce us to
take up his cause, he now wishes us to announce him as "The Cham-
pion Nought and Cross Player," and wants us to intimate that he "is
open to play the world." We have not time (as we are just going to
press) to give our opinion of his pretensions; but, from what we have
already stated, it will be seen we believe him to be thoroughly equal to
"playing the knave."

Tragic "Comety."
COMETS were formerly supposed to bring wars. A "comety" appa-
rition in the heavens was considered, that is, to prevent anything of an
international "comity" on earth.
A BIT OF ETYM(H)OLOGY.-The disuse of the letter H is entirely an
acquirement of art and cult, for it is decidedly un(h)atural.

JULY 13, 1881. FUN. 19

AN OMISSION FROM THE BOOK.
FUN knocked up the LAW early one morning, and burst into its
august room ere it had yet opened its sleepless and watchful eyes.
Hulloo I hulloo shouted FUN. "Wake up! Hi! Hulloo I"
The Law grunted several times; then turned slowly over; then sud-
denly and nervously started to a sitting posture, having been supine (a
custom it indulged in) before. It glared about it In a startled, stupid
way, and muttered rapid and incoherent variations of long-strung sen-
tences, all having a common and infinitesimal meaning.
Hi' shouted FUN, in its wise and wakeful ear. "Wakeup, I say!
A crime has been committed 1"
"Five pounds reward-ten pounds reward-hundred pounds reward
-whereas-person or persons-evil intent," muttered the Law. "I
think I, have a clue now, eh ?" it said, with a comfortable leer of self-
gratulation. ,
And now suppose you get up and do something ?" siid FUN.
The Law crawled slowly from its terrible couch, and proceeded to dress
cumbrously. Then it tied large leaden weights to its feet, and-
"Here, that's not your hat you're putting on," said FUN. "It's mn)
cap and bells. But, there, pray wear it if it fits."
The Law, having recognized its mistake and replaced the wrong head-
gear with a bandage covering one eye, slowly drew forth a heavy note-
book, and studied it.
"Crime, you say?" it pondered. What sort o' crime? Let's see
what there's been lately. Burglary, forgery, breaking street-lamps,
shirking Board school, murder. Is it any of these? "
Yes, it is one of those," replied FUN. "But far be it from me to
presume to give a title to any crime in the presence of so great an expert
in such matters. I will point you out the man, and then, doubtless, you
will be able to name his particular crime."
"Rather I said the Law. "Trust me."
FUN carefully buttoned up his pockets.
They proceeded together to a railway-station, and entered
a train. There was one other occupant of their carriage, a
person wrapped in blankets, with his skin flaking off.
"That is your man," said FUN.
"Eh ? What ?" said the Law, bewildered. Hang it, you I
do startle a fell--I mean, a mighty and beneficent power,
by suddenly bringing him face to face with-I 'm not accus-
tomed to this rapid sort of business. Dear me I where's my
note-book ? Ah well, here 's burglary : description-short,
thick-set man, brown beard, grey eyes. No, he doesn't
answer that description. Here 's Forgery : blue coat, brass
buttons, wide felt hat, pug nose. No. Here's breaking
street-lamps. No. Shirking school; murder. No. This
man has not done any of these."
He happens to be doing one of them at this moment,"
said FUN.
As he was speaking the man in the blankets was handing
his ticket to the collector to be clipped. The collector glanced
at the man, clipped the ticket, and passed on. Then FUN
took out a small magic glass-the Glass of the Future-and
handed it to the Law to look into.
Why, I can see a funeral in it," said the Law.
"The funeral of that ticket-collector a week hence," re-
plied FUN.
They left the train. The Law jeered.
You haven't shown me my man yet. Better try again,"
it said.
"Very good," said FUN, and they entered an omnibus
where, squeezed in among the other passengers, sat the same
man with the skin flaking off his face.
"There is your man," said FUN.
Next to the man sat a pretty girl of twenty, and the other
side of him a business man. FUN drew forth the glass and
handed it to the Law.
"Another funeral," said the Law.
"That of the business man," said FUN.
"And a family starving."
His family,'" said FUN.
"And a young girl, with face deeply pitted, blind, com-
mitting suicide."
"The girl opposite," replied FUN. "She is engaged to
be married this day month; but that will happen instead."
The Law consulted its book again, but could not find the
right description, so he jeered FUN once more.
They brushed past the Man of the Blankets in the street, Firs
in picture galleries; they sat near him in the theatre, at the Seco
concert; they saw him drink at bars, and the glass he had Fir
used slightly rinsed and handed to the next comer; they saw FATH!
his linen washed with that of others; and the Law grew tired i BARRE
of seeing funerals in the glass. LIKE !

Each time the Law maunderingly consulted its book, and each time
it failed to find the right description.
"I think you occasionally arrest persons on suspicion ? asked FUN.
"Oh, yes," replied the Law.
"Then arrest this Man of the Blankets, and detain him while you
make inquiries, for I charge him with one of the crimes in your
book."
Thus importuned, the Law arrested the man; but the Man of the
Blankets told so piteous a tale that the Law, almost moved to tears, took
off the handcuffs.
Poor fellow !" said the Law. "I couldn't be so unkind as to detain
him, as he says he's suffering from small-pox."
"For mercy's sake-for humanity's sake-don't let him go I" pleaded
FUN. But the Law pooh-poohed his entreaties, and gave the Man of
the Blankets his freedom.
"Well," said FUN, "as you haven't succeeded in finding out his
crime,
I will venture to teach you. It is MURDER.' "
But where's the description ? asked the Law.
"Here it is," replied FUN, producing his note-book. "Skin, feverish
or flaky ; dress, that of respectability, or blankets ; nature, mean, selfish,
cruel, and malignant; heart, none. Perhaps it would be as well if you
copied the description into your book. It seems incomplete without it."

RE-ARRANGED ADVICE FOR THE HOT WEATHER.-Grin and
(polar) bear it.

PUT THIS IN YOUR (DRAIN)-PIPE. -In these days of sanitary know-
ledge, it is considered unhealthy to reside near a factory of drain-
pipes.

tLT To CORRESPONiiNTS.-TAe Ldito does not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or pay for Contributions. In no case will thev be returned unless
accn.adnibed bv a stawmed and directed envelosr.

20o FU I JULY 13, 1881.

RHYME WITHOUT REASON.
He. She.
"I love you, Ruth; you have perchance heard Yes; when you asked if you intruded,
The fact before; but ne'er have answered." I told you plainly, Sir, that you did."

CURT COMMENTS. MedicaL
A ROTHERHITHE cheesemonger has been sentenced to a month's im- BOB SAWYER, Jun., has found, after a series of most careful expe-
prisonment for selling diseased ham. Good I We mean the punish- riments, that vaccination does not prevent the irritating complaint
ment, not the ham-that was very bad. We hope it will be a warning delirium tremens!
to others, and show them that no amount of money will "save their
bacon." An Ir-Rational Being.
It is stated that amongst the number of curiosities which adorn the
hall of the Army and Navy Club is a set of false teeth. It is all very well A MOST loquacious Irish officer once told his men he never ate his
to say "You mustn't look a gift-horse in the mouth," but in this instance words. "But he tries to feed us with his 'o-rations,' bedad I" whis-
you can't help doing so, by gum. pered a private.
Although the appearance of a comet, to some people, is a "very
small matter," it is not to the astronomers, for they estimate that the HINC ILLE LACHRIME.-A lady cannot be drunk unless she is dis-
length of the tail is 5,ooo,oco miles. This is going to great lengths, solved in tears.

NEW LEAVES.
"DAILY Bread," a Birthday Text-Book
(F. Warne and Co.), is a neat little volume
with a Scripture quotation and appropriate
verses ot hymns for every day in the year,
and is an agreeable addition to the number
of these useful books.
"Madame Delphine" (same firm), by
G. W. Cable-(an across the Atlantic
"Cable")-is a powerfully written book of
strong interest.
"Chips : A Story of Manchester Life"
(same firm).-" Chips" goes the "whole
log" in the direction of doing good and
being good; it is appropriately illustrated.
Such books have a great and an enduring
influence.
"A Complete Guide to the Civil Ser-
vice" (same firm) is full of most important
information of inestimable "service" to
those whom it most concerns-civil or un-
civil.
"Golden Eggs, a Springtide Journal"
(Cecil Brooks and Co.), contains a lot of
interesting and well written stories by
various authors-'" Eggs is eggs."
"Caledonian Railway Tourist's Guide."
-A comprehensive guide to all the most
charming places in Caledonia.
Summer Tours in Scotland "-Glasgow
to the Highlands, &c.-is not only an
"official guide," with maps and pictures
of particular places, but a valuable and
pleasant companion for all who can indulge
in such glorious "Summer Tours."
Rational Sunday Observance," by Rev.
James Freeman Clarke, D.D. (Reeves).-
A very excellent contribution to the argu-
ments on this much contested subject, on
which it is so difficult to find disputants at
all "Rational."
"Roumanian Fairy Tales and Legends."
-A set of delightful stories of an infinitely
charming character, for which we could
have a Room-mania.
Macmillan has its instalment of its
clever "Portrait of a Lady," a well written
paper on "Othello," and several other in-
teresting articles.
Tinsley's is good, as usual. Universal
Instructor, Science Gossip, Night and Day,
Young Men's Magazine, Day of Rest, Boy's
Own Paper, Girl's Own Paper, Sunday at
Home, Leisure Hour, and Friendly Greet-
ings, all sustain their standard of excel-
lence.

JULY 20, 1881.

FUN.

TURF CUTTINGS; or PADDOCK AND PARLIAMENT.
TO THE EDITOR OF "FUN."
ON LAZINESS AND SUMMER DRINKS.
SIR,-You are very hard on the old man-you are indeed; you expect
too much of him; you expect him to send you brilliant and voluminous
"copy," and you know how hot the weather is. Now, I ask you, as
man to man, is hot weather conducive to "copy," brilliant or otherwise?
Isn't it more conducive to an open-waistcoat, hat-on-the-back-of-the-head,
ever-unsatisfiable-longing-for-cooling-drinks condition of mind ? Isn't it
more conducive to maddening thoughts of cool woody glades, breezy
mountains, murmuring seas, trickling waterfalls, and shady up-river
nooks? Of course it is-you know it is And when fair soft damsels
come to the Prophet, and entreat him to come for boating excursions
with Charlie and George, and moor under the coolest of overhanging
boughs, with nothing to pay, and nothing to do but compound refrigera-
tive drinks from his own particular recipes-is the Prophet likely to
resist ? And if he knows that Charlie and George and the artful damsels,
who only want him to play propriety, will go wandering away together
among the trees, leaving him in charge of the boat and the drinks, do
you think he cares? No, he makes them their drinks, with many
tasting to ensure their accurate blend-
ing (for summer drinks should be
mixed with all the delicacy of a salad),
and all is coolness and contentment.
But do I neglect my duty, any way ?
Don't I send the straight and painfully
successful tip week by week, with un- ,
deviating regularity? I do. I corrobo- '\
rate the statement. Isn't the coolness
and contentment more likely to keep -- ,
my tips up to their high standard, than I
the thrice-heated pavement of the Street
of Fleet? And isn't the following my
sure and certain
TIP FOR THE HUNTINGDONSHIRE
STAKES?
Ingredients for a Cup.
Clear from the course any chance su-
perfluity,
Rub it with lemon-peel all round the
edge;
First take Rhidorroch (and show per-
spicuity),
Throw in Espada, your credit to
pledge,
Chuck in the ice-an unusual wedge.
Take Mountain Ash (the opponent of
Witchery),
Throw in with Tonans-unless you'd
be done-
Garnish with rapture by laying on
Stitchery,
Slight not Apollo, the god of the sun,
Jolly companions every one.
Take Dr. Tanner (ingredient savouring
Strong of endurance and winning the
day)
Then Elderberry dash in as a flavouring,
Sure Mr. Dodd will be showing the
way.
Are my directions explicit ones-eh ?
Add to it all the time-honoured ex-
pedients,
Age and performance and tip of the
Press;
Then on the top of the other ingre-
dients
Throw in your cash on the winner,
no less,
And drink to the dregs of the Cup of
Success.
But I think cooling drinks a fraud,
anyhow. What we want is a cooling A" --
cup that will cool, and a summer drink -
that will quench our thirst. At pre-
sent we are restricted to an unsatisfac-
tory choice of cups: there.is the cup
that leaves you red-hot, the cup that She.-" I D(
makes you thirstier than before, and the Il.e-" BECi

voT. XXXIV.-NO. 845.

cup that puts you into a profuse perspiration. Next week I will give a
recipe for the Goodwood Cup.
I am, yours, &c., TROPIIONIUS.
P.S.-Still the Irish Land Scurry preparations at Westminster ; the
big contest over the Lords' ground must soon come off now. I fancy
the Government animal will be a little damaged, but I expect him to
win-take my tip.

A Little Advice to Wooden Heads.
MR. HENRY WHIIACKRILL, who was summoned for Whack(r)ill
treating a scholar of seven, by striking him on the head with a cane or
pointer, stoutly maintained that it was an accident, and that the boy
knocked himself up against the pointer; according to accounts, the
scholar must have knocked himself several times against the pointer.
We all know that children are wax to receive and marble to retain "-
though their heads are not quite so hard as marble-so it would be well
for School Board teachers to impress upon the infants under their charge
that, when they intend to strike themselves against pointers and canes,
the head is a dangerous part to do it with, and that there are other parts
of infants' bodies which will hurt the pointer or cane quite as much, with
no danger of fatal results.

A LOVE (K)NOT.
0 WISH HIM NEAR, BECAUSE I LOVE HIM, FATHER."
CAUSE YOU LOVE HIM NEAR, I DO WISH HIM FARTHER."

21

22 F-UN.

II_ -

SOMETHING FOR NOTHING.
Younm Lady.-" AND YOU REALLY MEAN TO SAY THAT AT TIMES YOU
DO NOT IIAVE ENOUGH TO EAT. WHY, I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT POOR
PEOPLE IN THE COUNTRY COULD GET EGGS, BACON, MILK, AND VEGE-
TABLES FOR NOTHING "
Countrjywoman.-" ONY THREE THINGS AS WE GITS FUR NUFFIN,
MISS-AIR, WATER, AND THE PAARSON'S ADVICE "

DOTS BY THE WAY.
THE RAIN.
WE sing of sunlight and the summer day,
-' .,' Of buds and flowers and of leafy trees,
And all the gladness that is seen to play
About the grassy fields, when lightsome
breeze
I ) l' Wafts essence of a dreamy, soft perfume
Through all. the bright and joyous
( .balmy air-
The rose, the honeysuckle, and the broom,
-.," : ,, That deck the wayside with their
r beauties rare.
.\ We sing of bloom of every shade and hue,
-'- ,'. Of green and heather on the healthy hill,
-. .. Of primrose, daisy, and of violet blue,
Of golden buttercup and daffodil;
And all are worthy of the praise we give-
How can we tell too much in their
. sweet praise ?-
\ ,'.1" They are the very essence of the life we
live,
'J The outward gladness of our dreary
days.
But there's a gem whose worth is all untold,
And yet it should be foremost in the train,
For how could flowers their choice perfume unfold
Without the gentle fertilizing rain ?

JULY 20, IS8r.

THE CRY OF THE CAPTIVE.
'T is the height of the season !-I gaze with a sigh,
From aloft on my trim second floor,
As the sons and the daughters of Mammon go by
Through the thoroughfare fronting my door.
They are matchless in manner-delightful in dress-
But I look on them sadly, and say,
"This is all very fine, but I frankly confess
I would rather be somewhere away."
'T is the height of the season !-Our Commons and Lords
In their wisdom are both to the fore ;
And a splendid example our senate affords
To the senates of all the world o'er.
In the cause of their country they willingly work,
As their ancestors did in their day :
I revere the traditions of Chatham and Burke,
But I wish I were somewhere away.
'T is the height of the season !-Our stage for a time
Is invaded by Teuton and Gaul;
And our opera-houses from Italy's clime
Bade the singing birds come at their call.
There is nothing delights me so much as to go
To an opera, concert, or play ;
My thermometer marks about seventy, though,
And I long to be somewhere away.
'T is the height of the season !-We shortly shall sigh
To lawn tennis and cricket farewell;
Pretty trips up the river will cease by-and-bye,
Merry picnics in dingle or dell;
Piccadilly will soon be deserted and bare,
To the Row not a straggler will stray ;
Ev'ry booth will be emptied in Vanity Fair-
It is time I went somewhere away.
From the parks and the squares and the streets would I flec
To the moorland, the hill-top, and lake.
It can matter not much what my journey may be,
Or the road I think proper to take.
So my Bradshaw, my Murray, my Baedeker bring,
Let me make up my mind while I may.
To select my retreat is a troublesome thing-
But I mean to get somewhere away.

Cricket Queries.
Do the Oxford Harlequins "play with harlequin "bats,"
we wonder? and is there a regular "transformation scene"
at the end of their "play" ?

Oh, I will sing of showers that fall so soft,-
That fall like gem-drop dew upon the land,
That deck the garden and the grassy croft,
And make the leafy trees all green and grand.
They give a gladness and a freshened hue
To what was erst a dusty, dreary place,
And with a magic touch make all things new,
And flowers come blushing with a sweetened grace.
Come, rain !-thou welcome, life-renewing rain-
We blame thee oft for all too drenching showers,
And yet we pray that thou wouldst come again
To fertilize our fields and wash the flowers.

Nous avons change tout cela.
THERE is not the faintest doubt that things generally are undergoing
a radical change. At the present day we are nothing if not practical.
One by one the old traditions are being knocked on the head, literally
as well as figuratively, for the Archbishop of Canterbury no longer
wears a horsehair wig. Pomp and pageantry are being done away with,
and even a postman nowadays often looks no different to any other man;
but the latest innovation is the dispensing with the recruiting sergeant.
The post-offices will in future supply all information on the subject, and
if you want to take the Queen's shilling, you go to the postmaster, who
gives you a paper to fill up, and the thing resolves itself into a mere
matter of form. "See these ribbons gaily streaming, I'm a soldier now,
Lizette" will now be unsung by the young recruit. This is certainly
striking at the root of the romance of war; but we doubt its advisabi-
lity. We like to see officials present a uniform appearance, and at this
rate it will be difficult to know who's who in 1882.

FUN.

T. He went to consult a leading physician. We must wait until your own medical adviser comes," said the Great Man; kindly sit in the waiting-room ; no doubt he will
arrive in a day or two. Well-yes-the delay might kill you; but it would never do to outrage professional etiquette by advising you before lie comes." 2. The own medical
adviser turned up in a day or two. The grief and apologies of the leading'physician, consequent on his keeping his professional brother wNaiting one minute and three I a ti ers,
knew no bounds.

*. K1 1^A I '* ___'N

i. "The leading physician mentioned incidentally that you will probably succumb to the treatment," said the own adviser on the way hom,; perhaps, under the circumstances,
it would be a littledelicate compliment on your part to-a--succumb." 2. "I am scandalized to see that you are positively gettingfat!" said the own a little time after. I
must beg to say 'good day' to youl I I cannot lend my countenance to so unceremonious a refutation of my eminent friend's opinion. It's an outrage upon professional
etiquette-an outrage, sir !"

24 FUF N.

FLOATS AND FLIES.
UPERBLY mounted" (to
aouote the programme),
The Bronze Horse started
on its course at the Al-
hambra on the 4th inst.
with every appearance of
possessing staying powers
sufficient for a lengthy run.
Superlatives are beginning
to show signs of exhaustion
in describing the taste, gor-
1 : geousness, and invention
SNI displayed in putting on
"the pieces" at this theatre
-when one has said that
a thing is best of its kind,
it is rather difficult to im-
prove on the expression-
lbut it may be remarked
Won the present occasion
that the liberality exhibited
in "putting on" the animal under notice must result in its being estab-
lished a firm public favourite, as my friend Trophonius might say,
The book, adapted from Scribe, is neatly written by Mr. Howard
Paul; and Mr. Paulton, with his well-known stolid drollery, as the Great
Bamboo, and Miss Fannie Leslie as the perky Peki, who so objects to
being tied to the Bamboo (there being one Yanko, whom she has a
Yankoring after), with the assistance of Mr. Kelleher as the said Yanko,
whose aerial excursion on the Bronze Horse leads to his being considered
flighty-a not uncommon result of getting over peoples' heads-supply
all the acting power necessary; Mr. Paulton and Miss Leslie being
especial favourites with Alhambra audiences.

An apology for hoarseness was made on behalf of Miss Leslie at the
first performance; I suppose it was bronce-hoarseness, for her notes
went soaring aloft as buoyant as ever.

Miss Alice May was satisfactory as Sou-Sou, and Mr. F. Leslie sang
well as Prince Toko, who is called his royal highness on account of
his being so much taller and slimmer than the rest of the characters. He
arrived without his hat, by the way-indeed, there seemed a disposition
on the part of the male principals to avoid hats. Is this a Japanese
custom-among such swells as Princes and "Bamboos," I mean?

That "a sthetic" business is about worn out by this, and its repeated
introduction here is tiresome, although, as an episode in one of the ballets,
it is not without the excuse
of grace. The ballet, "In ---- _.
a Star," is magnificently .'\ -* __-
dressed and danced to per- --
fection, the four principals '" q ,"-
being Miles. Pertoldi, Gil- I .' .,
lert, Rosa, and Palladino;
the latter is a trifle ath- I -
letic, however, and rather -
too ready to take encores.
With this (s)In-a-Star re-
mark, I pass to other sub- .
jects. -
The Olympic perform-
ance of She Stoops to Con- i
quer on the i th was
scarcely up to the standard
of that of The School for
Scandal of the previous
week. Mrs. Chippendale ._
was about as good as pos-
sible, and I find no fault
with Mr. Righton's Tony;
while Mr. Chippendale has
lost none of his art (though
there are not wanting signs ___ -_-
that the time approaches
for him to rest on his lau- THE ALAM BRA.-A WELL- MOUNTED PIECE
rels) ; Miss Measor's Con- TAKEN FROM THE FRENCH.
stantia, too, was a very distinct advance upon her Maria,-but then
there was such ample space for advance, you know.

Miss Marie de Grey's performance of the heroine was also pleasing
and interesting enough ; a circumstance attributable in no small degree,
I am afraid, to her good looks, for she clearly has many things to learn.

One is to avoid a sing-song style of delivery, with an irritating drop or
the voice at the penultimate word of a sentence. This is a fault possessed
by Mr. Somerset also (only in an exaggerated degree), and the scenes

'Din Ai. isI.RA.-PFK1 DECI)IliNG TO PH STRUCK WITH A BAMBOO.
between the two were like having cold water down the back and listen-
ing to scratchy slate pencils. Miss de Grey, however, has quite sufficient
talent, with study and attention (and she has plenty of time before her),
to take a high place in her profession. I trust she will bow to my
strictures ; that is to say, Stoop to Concur.

But, for the rest, the performance of the piece was perfunctory and
tame; tame enough to drive one wild.

Mr. Holland's Barmaid Show has been going on last week. The very
thing for this thirsty weather, when we gladly welcome as balm any aid
to banish thirst; let it be beer aid, lemonade, or balm-aid.

The new theatre in Panton Street is expected to open in October.
Mr. Henderson niight just as well "'hurry up" with it, as he must bie
aware how anxious we all are for a new theatre-regularly panton for it,
in fact.
The new drama at Drury Lane
will make a somewhat early appearCINING TO E STRUC A OO.
abetwce on the 3two wereth inst. The cast,old water down the back and listen-
an extra strong one, includes Miss d Gehw hqisc.
Litton, in whom Mr. Harris has a pet otieb rehr
safe card to play-a Court card, tutsewlb tm
strictureshall; that is to say, Stoop to Concur.y?

I Beard somewhere or other thatnce of the piece was perfunctory and
the Globe, Opera Comique, and 1,/V
Olympic are to be pulled down, inld.
pursuance of the Metropolitan Im- onade, or balm-aid.
provement scheme; this is a novel Street is expected to open in October.

Last week Mr. Henderson st as well "d- with it, as he must he
deny vacated the theatre where hew theatreregularly panton for it,
has made such a hit with La appear-
lanice, "even the great Globe it-,
self, and left not a rack behinds Miss
except the rack of suspense we are
all on to know where he is gone to, ALIIMBRA.-AN "AIRY FAIRV
and where he is going to appear next.hat

Mr. and Mrs. Bancroft's Haymarket season ends on the 29th inst., the
new season not commencing until November, when Plot and Passion
and A Lesson will form the programme. Miss Ada Cavendish it is
reported, will appear in the first-named piece. I shall be very pleased
to see her again. Miss Cavendish is a favourite of mine, and I am al-
ways ready for tobaccer, though I haa nove no wish to give an unnecessary
or gratuitous puff either-it would soon be smoked.
The Royalty, I hear, when taken in hand by Miss Thompson in the
autumn, will open with La Mascotte. As I am not very sure of my
authority, however, I Mascotte short my remarks on the subject.
NESTOR.
MEas m.-Walking any distance during this hot weather not only causes
you to fall lame, but it makes your collar limp also.

AN APPEAL FROM THE BENCH,
As constantly occurring in our Criminal and Common Law Courts.
N.B.-The reader may appropriately substitute the name of any bar-
rister practising in those Courts for the one selected, only-we don't
undertake to supply rhymes to it. We nail our colours to the counsel
chosen because he has such a nice convenient name to rhyme to.
THE LAW speaks:--
BEFORE we embark on the work of the day,
There's need of our calling attention
To a harrowing matter, in every way
Excessively painful to mention;
It is, we may say, an abuse of a kind
Appearing to know no restriction,
And we sadly assure you it brings to our minil
The sharpest and deepest affliction.
The matter we mention, which deals such a blow
To bosoms not brutally blunted,
Is the want of humanity witnesses show
To counsel with whom they 're confronted.
We notice when ladies get into the box
They set them to morally hustle
And hurt, in a manner that painfully shocks
The feelings of poor Mr. Russell.
It's a fact which a witness too frequently shelves,
In her rdle as an irony-flinger,
That counsel have feelings-at least for themselves-
Which shrink from the pitiless stinger.
You'll perceive in the her" a felicitous touch,
For those who engage in the tussle
Are widows, and feminine orphans, and such-
It's these who attack Mr. Russell !
Moreover this fact too infrequently strikes,
(Or, striking, its potency loses),
That poor Mr. Russell may say what he likes,
And be as jocose as he chooses;
But to think that a witness should "answer him back,"
And, mentally bracing her muscle,
Deliver a cruel ironical smack,
Is hard upon poor Mr. Russell I
A witness must look for some personal chaff-
(Among the predominant features
Injustice's halls is inanity's laugh)-
But strong pachydermatous creatures
Like feminine witnesses, people will grant,
Can battle with laughter and dare it;
While poor Mr. Russell's a sensitive plant,
And wholly unable to bear it.
In "answering back," it is open to doubt
(As it's nothing but fairness to mention)
That the witnesses always are carrying out
Any studiedly heartless intention ;
We think if they knew, they would view with alarm
The venomous cruelty lurking
Within their attacks-the unspeakable harm
And woe they are possibly working I

T~ A-)..- -J

Suppose, when a witness had thoughtlessly said
A something especially twitting,
That poor Mr. Russell, his wig on his head,
Should go at the close of the sitting

And creep to his pallet, and hopelessly pine
(Neglecting his work and his mealings),
And sob himself into a rapid decline-
Imagine that witness's feelings I
A witness, instead of assuming the tone
Of a person no counsel may sit on,
Should rather consider himself as a hone
To sharpen a barrister's wit on ;
So we firmly and finally beg to give out
That, though Mr. Russell may justle
And worry the witnesses gaily about,
They mustn't attack Mr. Russell.

DONKEYANA.

ASjS`T=XIA"

EXHIBITIONS.
DUDLEY GALLERY, Black and White Exhibition.-This contains
over 6oo works, many of them by artists of high standing, who are com-
plete masters of this branch of art. Pictures, imperfect in colour, are some-
times reducible to good black and white-most good arrangements of
black and white are capable of being elaborated into good pictures-
but good pictures are almost invariably, or should be, equally good when
reduced to black and white, otherwise they are imperfect. In relation
to the picturesque, black and white is sufficiently perfect in itself as an
art to stand alone without the aid of colour; and it is to the further
understanding of this, by both artists and the public, these exhibitions
are directed.
THE UNITED ARTS GALLERY.-This collection is well worthy of
the interest taken in it by the public, and highly deserving is the project
of every encouragement and success for the important influence it is
intended to exert and the service it is designed to render to the interests
of art and artists.
THE GUARD CONTINENTAL GALLERY will well repay a visit by the
opportunity it affords for study of the important works it contains.
THE DECORATIVE ART EXHIBITION is calculated to widely extend
the rapidly spreading taste for culture in this direction, where both taste
and culture are needful to the understanding of how far such high-class
work is capable of contributing to the enjoyment of life or the beauty
of its surroundings.
LE SALON LONDRES, an Exhibition of Foreign. Works of Art.-
Pictures, some ioo or so, and a little statuary, form an agreeable and
interesting adjunct to the Royal Panorama in Leicester Square. In the
same galleries are the works in painting and sculpture of Sarah Bern-
hardt, showing the actress's skill in the use of brush and chisel.
ART UNION OF LONDON GALLERY.-"The Road to Ruin." These
five well-known pictures, by Mr. Frith, R.A., are now being exhibited
at this gallery. Their moral influence will be widely extended by the
engraved prints from them issued by the Art Union.

29

30 FU N JULY 20, 1881.

Y\W\1

A REASON FOR EVERYTHING.
ldehr Sister.-" Now, TOMMY, YOU ARE TIRESOME I YOU KNOW THEM
ALL BUT THAT ONE! THAT'S Q."
Tommy.-" I KNOW I KNOW THEM ALL BUT THAT ONE, AND I'D
KNOW IT TOO IF IT HADN'T THAT NASTY CURLY TAIL "

C HOIC E.
BY A CYNIC.
WHVAT is choice in the ruling of matters
That rule us without our behests,
When Fate like a hurricane scatters
The relics we hug to our breasts ?
Had Ibut the option of choosing,
Had Ibut the ghost of a choice,
No more I 'd my beauty be losing,
Or sing with a crack in my voice !
Fell Time did deprive me of grinders,
And Fate made my figure too stout,
Gave many unpleasant reminders
My choice would have left me without.
What is choice when an option is offered ?
The chance of a fatal mistake,-
To spend or to keep your gold coffered,
To have or to eat up your cake !
It rules not the soul's deep desiring,
Misleads through our love or our hate;
The waif neathh his burden perspiring,
Knows choice is the servant of Fate !

For the Common-" Weal."
A PHILANTHROPIC M.P. has bought a calf, and is anxious to procure a fitting
home for it in some populous part of the City, where he can keep it with a view
to dispensing its lymph to all who may apply. Why not seek a stall for it at the
Mansion House? Surely the calf would be the right thing in the right place, at
what after all is our London "Hotel de Veal!"

AN INFALLIBLE SAFEGUARD.
SCENE-LIVERPOOL. MR. QUAKES discovered with luggage;
to him enter MR. QUEERIE.
QUEERIE. Why, Quakes, my boy, these facial lines,
This haggard air of agitation,
Appear to be the outward signs
Of heavy inward tribulation !
These manly eyes are sunken deep
As if from want of cheering sleep;
And yet this luggage Do you take
A summer trip for pleasure's sake ?
QUAKES. 'Tis not to seek the briny sea,
Or other point of recreation,
I hasten off. I simply flee
From possible annihilation.
My house and chattels are secured
By being heavily insured ;
My wife and babes, to left and right,
Are gathered round to share my flight.
We are not lured by'pleasure scenes-
By Margate, Venice, Rome, or Jersey;
But flee yon powder-magazines
At present moored upon the Mersey;
There countless tons of powder dwell-
QUEERIE. Confound it! Iwill flee as well.
Procure my tickets, if you please,
While I insure my premises.
[He goeth, and anon retnrneth.
'T is done. Away my footstep tends.
And see-this way a crowd advances-
My family, and all the friends
To whom I named the circumstances,
Their houses are insured, and, free
From care, they too resolve to flee.
Q (AKES. Why, all the town is fleeing thus-
Indeed, a mighty exodus 1
Enter a BREATHLESS MESSENGER.
THE MESSENGER. Lo I have raced with might and main
To bring the welcome information
That all of you may now abstain,
With safety, from this wild migration.
The Admiralty, resolute,
Will now prepare to institute-
As all the daily prints declare-
Inquiries into this affair.
OMNES. Enough! Return we home with mirth,
Our minds of all their care unloading;
For no explosive on the earth
Would ever rudely go exploding
The while the Admiralty sit
Inquiring thus concerning it.
Alarm and trepidation cease,
And we again may sleep in peace.
[They go home and go to bed. A great explosion
is heard. The Citizens start from their beds
and look around.
OMNES. Why, bless us all! Those countless tons
With which the magazines were loaded,
In spite of great official guns
Inquiring on 'em, have exploded I
( Vith surprise.) Yet, strange to say, they haven't done
The smallest harm to any one !
Our teacups quite intact remain;
There's not a broken window-pane I
Yet why indulge in this surprise ?
For is it not an illustration
Of that security which lies
In well-proposed investigation ?
Suppose these powder-barges' load
Had gone and happened to explode
When no inquiry reigned !-the sense
Is shocked to guess the consequence.

Nothing like Leather.
IN case your cook persistently insists on dishing your curry
up too mild, it is a "comparatively safe plan to call in to
your assistance the aid of a currier !

OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL ON THE HEAT.
THE first day or two of torrid heat took me by surprise, Sir, I admit,
but I soon recovered my presence of mind-sooner than I did my cool-
ness of demeanour, to tell the truth-and I am now, as you would find
if you called, quite prepared for any further tropical larks the weather
may go in for.
Charity, as you know, is proverbially arctic in its temperature-don't
they say as cold as charity ?-and by letting my front room to the
District Charity Organization Society, I successfully secure the refrigera-
tion of the ground floor; though, to make the matter doubly sure, I have
taken a young man as a tenant for my back parlour, who, if I am to be-
lieve his last landlady, is the very coolest card she ever clapt eyes on !
With a view to further refreshing ventilation, my doctor has sent in a
large supply of "cooling draughts," which I keep laid on, so to speak,
in the passages and on the stairs ; though I shall dispense with these, Sir,
as soon as your more liberal treatment of a faithful correspondent may
place me in a position to draw drafts for a cool thousand, say, on my
own account.
Should I ever get warm in spite of these precautions, I have a tra-
gedian (of the old school) on the premises, who will freeze my very blood
at a moment's notice with scenes from the creepiest plays in his repertoire.
N.B.-As one who has tried both, I may state that the above plan is
cleaner and altogether more convenient than that of having penny ices
dropped unexpectedly down your back at uncertain intervals.
I have also formed a library purposely for the hot weather, and the
inspection of one book, a surgical one with coloured plates of frostbitten
limbs, yielded me relief on a day when the thermometer was 90 in the
shade and the last act of The Bells had been declaimed for me in vain.
On ordinarily hot days, too, it has a decidedly cooling effect to read a
chapter or two about the privations and sufferings of a Polar expedition.
It is a fact, also, that you can experience all the sensations of a bad frost-
bite by grasping a red-hot poker ; but this is an experiment I by no
means recommend.
I would, on the other hand, strongly recommend you to have the
Polar bear from the Zoo to tea, were it not that I know the authorities

would not allow him to go. Should you feel very hot and uncomfort-
able, however, a visit to that quadruped's cage would have a wonderfully
soothing effect on you, I believe.
There is one place, too, where even on the hottest day I have found
that a "frost sets in towards nightfall. I refer to the theatre, where
the rule is that the hotter the weather may be the more decided is the
"frost 1"
I was told one hot day by a gossiping friend that a young widow, a
neighbour of mine, was skating over very thin ice ;" but, on inquiry, I
found that so far from this being the case, she had no skates in her
house, and could not have used them if she had, so there was clearly a
mistake somewhere in this case.
Make your salads with Chili vinegar if possible, and never joke in con-
versation, for there is an undoubted coldness about "grave" topics.
Make your ice whilst the sun shines also if you happen to have a machine.
If not, you had better have it from the ice merchant every day. He is
my most freezingly polite public caller, is my iceman, for when he
calls he produces not an ordinary visiting-card, but his "ice-cart de-visite."
If you must go out during the tropical heat, make for the nearest ice-
well, and pay to be allowed to sit there. This is a case when you can't
do better" than "well."
It is nice refreshing work, too, to calculate the entire contents of
imaginary icebergs. You can easily do it, and appropriately too, by
means of a Snowball's Trigonometry."
In my own case I was fortunate enough to go to a neighboring ice-
well until I actually caught chilblains Anything more deliciously un-
seasonable than chilblains, with the glass at 120 in the sun, it is impossible
to realize. They are quite too too; in other words, I have four, and one
bids fair to break. I have only to get a chill and a cold in my head, and
I shall be completely happy !

W To CORRESPONDENTS -The Editor does not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or pay for Contributions. In no ease will 'lrev be returned unless
accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope.

FUN.

JULY 20, 1881.

UNPALLET-ABLE.
LadyArtist.-" MIGHT WE ASK YOU TO MOVE, SIR?"
Mr. MAcGilp (who is engaged on a bit of suburban landscape for a local magnate, of which
there is only one paintable view) is, of course, only too happy.

CURT COMMENTS.
THE King of the Sandwich Islands has been in great request, and, in fact, might be termed
the Society King. He was invited by the Prince of Wales to meet Her Majesty at the garden party
at Marlborough House; he has been several times to the opera and theatre; but we believe it is
not true that he will be entertained by the members of the Savage Club.
A telegram, dated Chicago, July 12th, states "Mr. Griscom concluded his forty-five days'fast at
noon to-day. He appeared to be in good health at the end." There's no doubt the Americans
are a fast race.
Sir Thomas Parkyns has invented a tricycle that goes by steam, and on trying his invention at
Greenwich was proceeded against as if his machine were a traction engine. It is decided that
it comes under the Act, and therefore must not travel more than two miles an hour, and must have
three persons in attendance. Under these circumstances it must be regarded as a success de
steam.

CONVERSATIONS FOR THE
TIMES.
THE OMNI-UTILITY OF THE PRESS.
BROWN (looking up from perusing the "Daily
Bragger "). Wonderful print this I I always
read it. Really the world couldn't revolve
without it. I see that it was in its columns
that the clue was given to the discovery of the
Field Lane forgery.
JONES (looking up fr-om perusing the "Diur-
nal Boaster"). Pardon me-it was in the co-
lumns of my paper that that appeared. I read
here that the very first intimation of-
BROWN. Oh, hang it all! you'll say next
that it was your paper that published the like-
ness of the Bermondsey burglar which enabled
the police to-
JONES. I most assuredly do say so. Why,
look here-in black and white-" Had it not
been for the admirable and authentic portrait
published in our columns, the police would
never have-"
BROWN. Why, stuff and nonsense! sheer in-
vention-listen to this:-"We may truthfully
say that, but for the lifelike and trustworthy
likeness given in this journal, the authorities at
Scotland Yard would have failed to-"
JONES. My dear fellow, I never heard such
nonsense Possibly your paper lays claim also
to the merit of pointing out the whereabouts of
the Park Lane perjurer-
BROWN. What? Why, it's a universally
admitted fact that this paper did point it out !
-look here :-" We can state, without undue
self-exaltation, that the timely hints contained
in our article led to the apprehension of--"
JONES. Well, of all the-why, here you
are ; judge for yourself :-"There is no vanity
in asserting that the seasonable suggestions
which we lately gave were instrumental in
causing the arrest of--"
BROWN. What next? Doubtless your pe-
riodical also declares that the Marylebone
manslaughter, the Drayton dog-stealing diffi-
culty, the Lambeth libel-
JONES. Certainly; and also the Grosvenor
garotting grievance, and the Ratcliff ruby rob-
beries, and the Kensington cat-killing case,
and the Houndsditch-
RoBINSON. I am surprised at the brazen
pretentions of both the periodicals you gentle-
men are reading. I can assure you that all
these services to society were really rendered
by the paper I take in-the Morning Bouncer.
Here it is; you can read the thing in black
and wh-
"And so you can." (Reflection by FuN,
Esq.)

ROBERT THOMPSON, a butcher, has been
committed for trial at Manchester on a charge
of having stolen a Bank of England note. A
lady, named Raw, asked him to change a r5
note, inadvertently handing him a 50 note.
She received 5 in gold as change, and sub-
sequently found out her mistake. Mrs. Raw
(an appropriate name with which to approach a
butcher) considers that she was "done."

FUN. _____

,'I I I '1, '

NONE TO SPEAK OF.
The New Vicar's Wie.-" WHo LIVES NEXT DOOR TO YOU, MRS. BROWN?"
Mrs. Brown.-"THE JUGSONS, MARM."
N. V. W.-"HAVE THEY ANY FAMILY?"
A frs. B.-"WELL, MARM, THEIR ELDEST BOY, HE WERE HANGED; AND THEIR SECOND SON, HE'S A-DOIN' SEVEN YEARS; AND
THEIR GAL, THE ELDEST LEASTWAYS, SHE'S A-DOIN' A YEAR; AND TWO ON THEIR OTHER BOYS, THEY 'S IN A REFORM'TRY; SO
I MAY SAY AS THEY AIN'T GOT NO FAMILY TO SPEAK OF "

Cookery & la Comique.
THE subject of cooking has recently attracted considerable attention.
The Social Science Congress did much to urge its importance; and now
a Miss Ewing has given out that "The wife of a devoted husband is
always a good cook: intemperance, profanity, disgust of home life, all
are born of bad cooking." This being the case, we hasten to publish a
few things not generally known in connection with the subject.
Too many cooks not only spoil the broth, but make a regular hash if
asked to simply cook a joint. Fifteen to twenty minutes ought to be
allowed for each pound of meat, and if less be taken it is the family and
not the joint that is done brown.
The same time ought to be taken for boiled meats, but if the water
boils fast instead of simmering the result will be similarly disastrous.
This branch of the culinary art is the most thankless, for the more careful
the cook the greater is the certainty that she will "go to pot."
To broil successfully entirely depends upon the fire being free from
smoke : if it isn't it will be found to be a grate difficulty, so the only
thing is to see to the fire-that's clear.
Stewing is another important branch. It's easy enough for a cook to
get into a stew, but to get one on table is not so simple. We don't think
we can give better advice than "gently does it-stevwpid."
Frying also requires care, and cannot be performed if there are any
"small fry about; as if the kitchen be a kind of Pandemonium it will
be a case of "out of the frying-pan into the fire."
These few hints are entirely confined to plain cooking, as it is at this
that so many make such a pretty mess. In a future paper we shall show
that all cooks ought to be equal to a little sauce, and not deficient in the
matter of stuffing-the viands, not their masters and mistresses, or them-
selves. Poultry will also receive particular attention, so that each cook
reading these articles will when Michaelmas arrives know how to cook
her master's goose.

STRANGE CONDUCT OF A CASK.
THE great heat-wave now passing over us has produced, if all accounts
are to be credited, some very remarkable effects, but none more singular
than the following, which is reported from Sheffield. A small empty
cask, which was being carried through the town with others upon a dray,
suddenly exploded, scattering its fragments with great force about the
streets, and seriously injuring the passengers. The explosion, adds the
report, is believed to have been occasioned by the excessive heat. This
is all very well for an explanation, but really for an empty cask, a beer
cask, in fact, with nothing in it, which even teetotallers would be quite
ready to admit was perfectly harmless, to go and blow up like an empty
nitro-glycerine or dynamite keg, presents, to say the least, a startling
subject for consideration to those whose cellars may be half full of these
dangerous explosives. This is worse even than the torpedo scare which
we had just got so nicely over, for that only threatened those who went
down to the river in boats, but this is a standing peril to every one who
crosses the cellar-flap of a public house or enters the bar thereof. A few
"pubs blown up by this means will go a great way further towards
shutting them up altogether than all the Sunday Closing and United
Kingdom Alliances in the country. Sir Wilfrid should look to it, and
pretty sharply too, for it is already said that an active Home Rule party
is buying up, right and left, all the empty casks in the country, while
the agents of another are in treaty for the vaults under the House of
Commons for wine-vaults. Should this negotiation be carried through,
something sensational may be heard from Westminster, say when Parlia-
ment is up-sky high. When this is accomplished, and the Mansion
House, the Liverpool Town Hall, and a host of similar edifices have
fallen by this new explosive agent, it will be seen what clumsy devices
of a dark age were the plots of Guido Faux and his imitators of a recent
date.
AN X-PENCE-IVE ARTICLE.-Any one that costs ten pennies.

VOL. XXXIV.-NO. 846.

34 FU N. JULY 27 ,1881.

A VOLUNTEERED INVITATION.
Picked up in the Camp last Week.
SOME marksmen may prefer a "hit,"
But I should like a AMiss,
Sin:e Wimbledon is just the spot
For spoonifying bliss:
When fine the day. 't is sweetly gay,
And cosy when it pours;
My corps has got its company,
So, Mary, I want yours!
Then take the train from Waterloo.
And come and see the Camp;
And bring goloshes, if you please,
In case it should be damp.
Sure there are lots of better shots
Than I am in the corps;
But with my Miss I'm safe to make
The most decided score.
When you arrive, don't rush along,
Or some rude Volunteer
May possibly mistake you for
A novel "running dear :"
Inquire for me-Division B.-
Me, who admire your charms,
And put yourself in my embrace,
For 't is a place of arms.
At my proposal, offered thus,
I beg you will not scoff;
But think how girls, as well as guns,
Are just now "going off."
Say you'll be mine! I love but thine,
And reck not the bull's, eyes ;
Then let who will obtain the Queen's,
I win the highest prize !

A FAIR SHOW.
Ar Woolwich Gardens, you must Our Special Artist, lazy wretch !
know, Omitted to obtain a sketch,
They've had another Barmaid Show, Which proves this girl he's sent
But this time (doubtless to recall to FUN
" Ye Fancie Fayre" at Albert Hall) A quite imaginary one,
They sold their brandies, rums, and But when with this neglect we
gis tax
In Fancy Dress and Model Inns; Him, telling him he's very lax,
So, having lent him half a crown, He has the coolness to declare
We sent our Special Artist down. This lady is the Fancy Fair.

OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL GOES "SEA-SIDING" IN
LONDON.
SOON after the torrid weather set in, Sir, Mrs. Extra-Special began
to worry me about going to the seaside, but the pressure of my business
engagements rendered it impossible for me to gratify her wish. Still
she returned to the charge every day, till at last, wearied by her perti-
nacity, I determined to carry out an old idea of mine-that is to say, I
determined to see whether it was not possible to procure all the so-called
"attractions" of the seaside without leaving London at all.
Ramsgate is the place after Mrs. E.-S.'s own heart, and one morning,
suddenly jumping up from the breakfast-table, I exclaimed, "Matilda !
pack your boxes, prepare the family without delay, for in an hour we
start for our summer outing!" Calling a four-wheeler at the end of
that time, my wife, five children, and myself were soon crammed into
its recesses, any gaps or interstices being filled with bundles and brown
paper parcels in the good old taking-your-household-to-the-coast-for-a-
change-of-air kind of manner. Driving to the Aldgate terminus of the
Underground, I unpacked my family, and re-arranged them with some
ten or so other passengers in a third-class compartment. Matilda look-
ing puzzled, I oracularly remarked, "A railway journey to Margate or
the Mansion House in such weather as this would be equally exhaustive
and uncomfortable; we are about to experience the latter !" Having
travelled to the Mansion House, back to Aldgate, and then back again
as far as Sloane Square, I alighted with my perspiring household.
"And now, Matilda," I said, assuming our two hours' travel had
brought us to Ramsgate, what would our first step be?"
"To procure reasonable lodgings," said my better half.
"Precisely!" said I. "And that step we can take quite as well at
Chelsea as in the Isle ot Thanet. Let us go in quest of apartments
forthwith."
So we put our baggage in the cloak-room, and sallied forth, tired and
hot and ill-tempered, to interview landladies and chaffer as to the price
of the kitchen.fires and the cruets. We could not have loathed the task
more, I am quite sure, had we been in Ramsgate itself.
An hour's tedious quest in the cheap streets resulted in the engage-
ment of rooms so small, so pokey, so meanly furnished, that I could
have almost sworn they were real seaside lodgings. There was just a
wee bit more air in our bed-room, perhaps, but that was the only dif-
ference. The children were quite as tired and fretful, my wife was quite
as faint and disagreeable, and I was quite as unreasonable and captious
as though we were up a back street at Ramsgate, instead of a seedy
terrace in the confines of Pimlico.
Having fetched the luggage and unpacked, an operation relieved by
the frequent chastisement of our more troublesome children, I turned
again to their mother and gasped the inquiry, Now, tell me honestly,
Matilda, if you were in Ramsgate at this moment, what would you do
next?"
Without a moment's hesitation she replied, "What would I do?
Why, go to bed." So we went.
Tired as I was, though, I had the thoughtfulness to first go out and
arrange with a belated organ-grinder to come and awaken us at 7 a.m.
next morning with some of his music-hallest barrels; and, true to his
bargain, I started from slumber soon after the hour I have named, as the
notes of Over the Garden Wall" broke upon my ear.
Mrs. Extra-Special was weary and would have fain slept on, but I rallied
her with a Remember you are presumedly at the seaside, and you know
you always rise at abnormal hours there."
When I had finished dressing, she said, "Why not go and get some
nice fresh fish for breakfast ? "
"What 1" I cried. Fresh fish for breakfast, and we supposed to be
at the seaside I Impossible I Let us be consistent, whatever we do."
So we breakfasted off shop eggs and salt butter in the regular fine old
Ramsgate fashion.
Breakfast over, Matilda wanted her Telegraph to see all about Lefroy,
but I checked her impatience.
No newspaper yet," I said, "for you are presumedly on the south-
east coast. What, now, should you be doing at this particular moment?"
"Waiting for a bathing machine," she answered, meekly, "for myself
and the little girls."
"Oh, we can easily supply that experience," I returned. "Follow me."
So I led the way to an exposed part of the river embankment, and
picking out a spot well in the sun, I opened the camp-stool I had brought
out, and said, Sit there, Matilda, for an hour and twenty minutes; and
mind you don't move, or you might miss that machine, after all. You
will find it quite as hot as Ramsgate, but you won't be so bothered with
boatmen; that's the only drawback. I wiUll await you on the west cliff."
And I walked away towards the Embankment Gardens, which only
needed a host of howling cads and obtrusive snobs, and a vexatious charge
at the gate for admission, to make them quite as enjoyable as the Rams-
gate Paradise I have named.
How we completed our experiences you shall hear anon.
To be continued.

JULY 27, 188I. FUN. 35

PROFESSIONAL ETIQUETTE AGAIN. THE INCUBUS.

lME

...... .. .------------->

Shere was a patient who thoughtlessly went to the medical man of his village, not knowing that lie bound liiiiielf in a lifelong thraldomn. It happened that the v village
medical mali's treatment was the wrong oe and made that patient worse.
Then the guileless patient thought: ''I swill leave this doctor who makes me worse, and seek another," anid went to a neighbouring-town practitioner. Hunm I have you
consulted a medical toan?" said the N.T.P., and he went through a little joke of consultation, and handed hack the patient to the village one, who treated him as before.

..,,~~~ ~~~ k.,." A." '1 "',. .. ,lt ---.,f '!"7\, ,- ---\ ,,"

Then the patient, getting worse, sought a London physician. "Hum!" said the L.P., "' We iNe cosulied a medical man? Ahl, liere he comes." Aitd .c v ent through
the same little farce, and delivered the patient over to the village one-who treated him as before. Then that patient craftily disguised himself, and sought anxthcir Luncion
physician. Ahem said the latter, "we have consulted- "NO said the patient, telling a naughty, naughty lie.

So that physician undertook the patient, and monlih after month lie made him better. But one day the village one, after a long, long search, burst in and claimed his
ictim Then that L.P. beat this breast, stand casilt off the flagitious patient; and the village one carried him off-and treated him as before. We forget how the patient
bequeathed his property, but it woasn't to the village oine.

36 FU N JULY 27, r88s.

--.,------ -,---,----,-- ---.--..../"l.; c

IN THE DOG DAYS.
She.-"THE PRINCE CHARLIE IS AGAIN BECOMING A FASHIONABLE DOG.
Ae.-" WHO INVENTS THE NEW FASHIONS IN DOGS?"
Shf.-"CAN IT BE THE PUPPIES?'

]FT-) NT.-JULY 27, T887.

'' .. I I.. i

R'

~

-1

THE LAND PILL.
Dr. Gladstone.-"YOU'LL HAVE TO SWALLOW IT, MY LORD, SO YOU HAD BETTER TAKE IT PLEASANTLY."

JULY 27, x881.

FUN.

FLOATS AND FLIES.

and the Gaiety bar knoweth
them no more for ever-so long!
The gaze of one is resting" on
the Alps at Nice; the watch of
another is resting on a shelf at
"Uncle's," and away, away to
the briny with the proceeds!
Seaside engagements are at a
premium. The St. James's com-
pany seeketh the coralie strand ;
the Bancrofts desert the busy
x market for rural croft and bank.
Mr. Toole is seeking audience in
the land of hErin, and, not
satisfied with ordinary perfor-
mances, passing his time in
SDublin parts. Mr. Irving, hav-
ing packed his trunks and (no
doubt) paid all he hose, is study-
ing a new part (of the time-bill)
preparatory to spending a nice,
=- ... cool, quiet, refreshing holiday,
acting a continuous round of
parts in the provinces.

Before he takes the train, however, Mr. Irving will take the chair, on
Friday, at the Royal General Theatrical Fund Dinner.

But, though the old favourites depart, there are many willing-nay,
anxious-to take their places; and summer seasons, short-lived as the
summer bluebottle, and sometimes nearly as irritating, are the order
(ha! hal order!) of the day.
Some of them are good, how- Y
ever, -light and airy as the sum- ".. 9\
mer butterfly, say, or solid as
the bumble-bee, and, like him,
doing a good "biz." l
The New Sadler's Wells seems ,
one of these; Miss Rose Leclercq /'
is making herself quite a favourite/
there in some of her most popu--
lar parts, and the burlesque is
really well acted-I say "really,"
because so few of the cast are
"known." Mr. Lyons is (ap-
propriately) the chubbiest of
Tigers, and Miss Laura Lindon
(who is due at the Folly to-night,
by the way), as the gay little
Don, shows herself anything but
a little Don-gay (!) Arrayed,
as to the upper half, in pink,
albeit she dresses the part as a
black leg, she carrys through the
"principal boy" with great
bouyancy. The dancing is first- NEW SADLER'S WELLS. THE PINKER IN
rate-Miss Silvia Grey, as a skip- rINK, OR ONE LITTLE LINDON BOY.
per, proving herself, to no mean extent, "up to the ropes."

Claude Duval was always a bit of a rover, I believe, and the rumours
and reports of the spot chosen for his first appearance in comic opera
certainly favour that aspect of his character. First it was the Imperial,
and last it was the Opera Comique, at which he was to appear. Now
it's the Olympic, and it is expected that we shall find the rover's wan-
derings are rover by the end of August.

There is a whisper of a Lord Baleman from the same source for the
Opera Comique in October; the rumour would be more satisfactory,
though, if we could trace it to the source.

The Irving Amateur Dramatic Club, I understand, gave a perform-
ance on the 14th, not undis-Irving in character.

Messrs. Ernest Warren and Wallis Mackay's new burlesque, Da-do-
Dum, produced by Messrs. Moore and Burgess on the 18th, made me
laugh; but as Mr. Warren is a fellow-contributor of mine on this paper,
and Mr. Mackay a fellow-contributor of mine on another paper, I can't
say what I think about it.

Vro

THE BLACKY-MOORR AND THE LILv-WIGrT.
think the cast a full voucher for the strength of Youth. What do
Youth think ? NESTOR.

"Oh, Pickles!"
THOUSANDS of people who are "blessed with babies" don't know
what to do with the "little Pickles." They would not have the least
trouble or difficulty if they only had the "pickles" made by Edward
Pink and Sons. They would simply eat them, and "ask for more,"
for they are the very pink of pickles.

Loosing the Whip Hand.
MAJOR NOLAN is no longer the Home Rule Whip; so that the
members of the party will not now have to vote Nolans volens. The
remaining Whip, however, is quite a Power in himself.

Legal.
"WHAT is your occupation ? asked the magistrate, as he beamed at
the burglar through his spectacles. Wot ham I, yer washup?" replied
the burglar in his most silvery tones, "why, a house cleaner, in course!"

IT is found in the course of the year that though numbers of thieves
are chased, very few are virtuous.

SHOOTING LIKE A BIRD.-Making a "Magpie" with a bullet.

You see, if I say it is first-rate, that will only be the outcome of my
friendliness to and associa-
tion with the authors; 1-
whereas if I say it is un-
mitigatedly bad, that will
be the outcome of profes-
sional jealousy),. That 's
what you 'll say, at least-
you know you will; but I
don't mean to give you the
chance.

rud hnce ---
But there is nothing to
prevent my saying it is well
put on the stage, and made
the most of by the perform-
ers; and so I say it.
To-night the Folly will
be opened with 1mjpru-
donee; but there has been
neither folly nor impru-
dence on the part of the
management, either in the
selection of an author or
company. I trust the en-
terprise will be so Folly
successful, that they may A Pol R CAST FOR TIE S' .
drive every doubting imp
rude hence.
Drury Lane will show its Youth on Saturday for the first time.
Youth will be served well under Mr. Harris's management, and I

S40 F TN .. JULY 27, s88s.

TROPICAL TIMES.
OH, what shall I do on this tropical day ?
I ask, as I gape, and get out of my bed;
Repose hasn't freshened me much. I should say,
My feet are on fire and my eyelids are lead,
Though shockingly early for that to commence;
G E AEsthetics must welcome the heat, I should think,
SFor though it's unpleasant, it's truly "intense."
Is i i Oh, what shall I do on this tropical day ?
I 'd like to go out in the garb of old Gaul;
I wonder what old Mrs. Grundy would say
Were now I to make an au nature call?
There 's Robinson's annual garden affair;
I did have a card, and accepted, for that;
But then if I go I must certainly wear
That awful construction-a chimneypot hat !
Oh, what shall I do on this tropical day ?
The Joneses are off up the river-what bosh !
They asked me to meet them up Maidenhead way,-
My flannels are, anyhow, gone to the wash.
Pou'fl-Rowing !-the thought of it makes me perspire--
I know if I went they would set me to row;
Oh, shouldn't I fume, and I couldn't inquire
For more than a drink once a minute or so.

Oh, what shall I do on this tropical day ?
I 'm due at the Robinsons' afternoon dance;
I ought to go, too, if it 's only to say
Good bye to sweet Carrie, who's going to France.
I1 like little Carrie, and Carrie likes me :
We both shall wear gloves, which is truly a boon;
The terrace has nooks as remote as can be,
aBut, oh, it 's too hot and too drowsy to spoon.

Pae it Oh, what shall I do on this tropical day ?
I'd ask Sarah Ann, but she'd giggle or grin;
A LORD IN WAITING. Too hot to go out, and-oh, do get away I
A LORD IN WAITING. The flies worry so, I can never stay in.
William (sol.) "YAH! CUT OFF THE JOINT, THREE BREADS, I'm sure it's a hundred and ten in the shade,
AND A GLASS OF WATER; 'TIMES,' 'TELEGRAFT,' 'STANDARD,' A pound a degree it has certainly cost;
SHEVENIN' GLOBE,' AND A PENNY TO THE WAITER WHY DON'T I'll go to the station and try and get weighed,
YER GO TO A FREE LIBRARY?" And see how much adipose matter I've lost.

Our Hard-up Contributor. "Those Elopements."
Is intensely indignant that we did not make more of his challenge to ELOPEMENTS are doubtless on the increase. The poor Manchester
play the world at "Noughts and Crosses." He says that had it been butcher, who, after all, was only going over to America (deserting, by the
properly announced the excitement would have been terrific, and sends way, five children as well as his wife), was hardly used by the basket
us a supposed report of the first game, in which he alludes to himself as girls on the Liverpool Landing Stage, in fact, landed very heavily about
"leading off brilliantly with a cross in the right-hand corner," &c. the eyes and nose! When shall we learn to treat these little affairs with
That we were thoroughly "cross" may be imagined when it is stated the sublime indifference of our American cousins? An American adver-
that he expressed himself to beable to get damages from us, and actually tisement runs as follows:-"Will the man who eloped with my wife
says his lawyer's opinion is that he has "a good action." If this were so from Morrisania, on the night of the ist, please return me the key of the
it would be the first he has ever been associated with. Unfortunately it back door? He is welcome to Hannah, but the return of the key will
has given him an excuse for intruding upon us, and now we suppose we save me considerable trouble."
shall never be free from him. Of course he was arrested for the Brighton
murder (who wasn't?) but with the exception of that day he has been Police Intelligence.
with us every other morning, and always with some fresh but preposterous Police Intelligence
proposition. To get rid of him we agreed to take some comic copy if MR. ALDERMAN NOTTAGE says "he is aware that asking a police
really first-class, and the next day he arrived the first thing, having, he constable for his number is like holding a red flag to a bull." We don't
said, thought of an out-and-out good joke. On glancing at the MS. we know why this should be so. It is, at least we have an idea so, quite a
laughed considerably and were very pleased, for it was undoubtedly good, different animal that certain members of the force have been emulating
but on re-reading it we could not help thinking it was too good for him, lately; but when they show excessive zeal in moving on some poor
and we fancied we had read something like it before. A search was hawker, or "running in" an old apple woman or two, and any one else
made in our back numbers, and there sure enough, was the article word who happens to remonstrate with them on their cowardly conduct, the
for word. On taxing him with the fraud he grinned like a demented only resemblance we can trace to the bull is bully. Too much attention
donkey, saying that we asked for comic copy, and we had got it-that to trifles, and not nearly enough wit brought to bear in really important
that was his idea of a really good joke; that in previous transactions cases, is a sad mistake.
with him we had frequently said with regard to settlements that all we
wantat was our own, and yet we were not satisfied. We were terribly Unintentionally True.
annoyed at his daring to attempt such a trick on us, but could not help MR.A eda H e
being amused at his gravely assuring us that it didn't matter, that they'd MR. THOMAS JAMES, charged at Harmmersmith with breaking into
take it over the way. a house and stealing 30 worth of property, is a wag of the first water.
In the first place, he described himself as a "commercial traveller,"
A Colourable Conclusion, when amongst the articles found on him were a "jemmy," and a bunch
of keys on a ring round which was inscribed the suggestive motto, "An
A CORRESPONDENT asks us why County Court summonses are invari- open door will tempt a saint." Could anything be more exquisitely
ably printed on blue paper? But is he sure they are? We should have appropriate tor a housebreaker than that ? Luckily for society, the next
thought such documents would have been an unmistakable "dun V" door that will tempt this "saint" will be one of our prison doors.

JULY 27, i881. FUN. 41

UNDEVELOPED EVENTS.
WITH SOME REMARKS ON COOLING DRINKS BY OUR UNSLAKED
ONE.

AND the reader takes his journal,
And (expressing of his views)
"Why I" he mutters, like, internal,
Where the Dickens is the news ?"
It would benefit his lot to just inform him where it's got to,
Which it's just our present plot to
Consolation to infuse.
(But,-we cannot help digressing,-
As it's ninety in the shade,
Let us speak about the blessing
Of a gin-and-lemonade.)

All the great events and stirring,
Fully charactered and scened,
Which were just about occurring
When the hotness supervened ;
Tales of violence and plunder, or of blunder, or of wonder,
In the headings hereinunder
May be adequately gleaned.
(What a mixture to encourage
Is the mixture of Moselle,
With a little bit of borage,
Which is delicate in smell!
We are open to confession
That it is a slight digression,
But we lose our self-possession
With thermometers at--) Well,

Well-there should have been a
DARING
AND BURGLARIOUS AFFAIR,
Full of features very glaring,
At-it doesn't matter where;
All the plans they were preparing
With the most untiring care.
They were ready to begin it, when the weather grew so hot
That a fellow who was in it said to others in the plot :
"Hang the little undertaking! It had better be delayed
While we give ourselves to slaking natur's dryness in the shade."
So the little matter waited
While they went and irrigated,
And they ackshully libated till the matter was forgot.
(If it happens to be handy,
Take a leetle drop of brandy,
And a leetle jug of water, and a leetle lump of ice;
If you put the three together,
In this reether warmish weather,
We can faithfully assure you that you'll find 'em very nice.)

There were also preparations
For TERRIFIC CONFLAGRATIONS I
Andan EARTHQUAKE IN THE BOROUGH and some METEORIC SHOWERS,
And the clouds were firmly fixt on
Having WATERSPOUTS AT BRIXTON,
And there should have been a Row BETWEEN THE EUROPEAN POWERS ;
But the Cosmic agitations,
And the other combinations
Which had planned these demonstrations
Found it far too hot to think,
So they drifted into musing on the coolest thing to drink.

(Though I cannot give precisely
The ingredients of slings,
Yet a seltzer mixes nicely
With a lot of stronger things;
Though I've often heard it stated (and it's been corroborated)
"One may drink till one is bursty, and it only makes one thirsty,
And the bowl' is undesirable of which the poet sings."
While I feel an admiration
For a liquid combination;
It's among my mental fixtures, and I hold it like a vice,
That the soul of all your mixtures is a leetle bit of ice.)
HZere the poet helplessly abandons himself to the contemplation of cooling
drinks, to the exclusion of every other topic.

TURF CUTTINGS; or PADDOCK AND PARLIAMENT.
TO THE EDITOR OF "FUN."
ON GRATITUDE AND GOODWOOD.
SIR,-Very reluctantly, and much more in sorrow than in anger, I
have come to the conclusion that the bump of gratitude is but feebly
developed in the British public; numbers of people have written to me
complaining that I have involved them in enormous losses by giving a
wrong tip (!) for the Liverpool Cup, and communicating their belief
that I am no better than I should be (by the way, why should I be ?)
That this should occur over such a tip-a tip so pellucid that I thought
it unnecessary to explain it-cuts me to the quick. Were not the two
prominent ideas of that tip the scorching nature of the sun (a scorcher
-or frier-Dominic-a friar)-and the Prophet's desire for slumber
(Dreamland) ? The old man is obviously represented as out of doors,
too-suggestive of Greenfield. Oh, I've no patience !-Pah! who gave
you absolute I, 2, 3 ? Then look at the Huntingdonshire Stakes.
And now I trust you are in a proper state of mind to take my
TIP FOR THE GooDWOOD STAKES.
Now mark the crowd ;-a horse they choose
For laying on the tin, Sir,
And though some few may look to lose,
The bulk will look to win, Sir;
But (odd reversal, fixed by Fate,
Of which we none are choosers)
Thefemw will win, I beg to state,
The bulk will be the losers.
Behold I 't will end in some flare-up
Before the day is well hot,-
A Blackthorn crack, before you sup,
May stultify a Zeal (h)ot;
But note Prudhomme at any price
I 'd say to those who 'd fall off,
Though he who mounts the Edelweiss
Will bear the flow'r of all off.
Some of those grumblers about my Liverpool Cup tip said they'd
"just like to see a straightforward, definitive tip for once, and not one
of those verse things that no one can make head or tail of." I suppose
that was meant for extra bitter sarcasm; but who cares ?-you back
Bend Or for the Cup, that's all I have to say in reply, and if that isn't
"definitive" enough, I don't know what is.
By the way, speaking of Goodwood,-of such a fashionable and
favourite meeting, I might give you one of those graphic descriptive re-
ports ; but after all, as a juvenile punster of the remote past has remarked,
"What Goodwood that do ?" It has been described quite often enough,
both with a certain distant fidelity to facts, and with all the airy grace
of high inventive genius, and in either it doesn't amount to much more
than people and grass and carriages, and flags and tents and horses and
bottles and dust (or rain, as the case may be), I feel inclined to say-
"Who is Goodwood, what is she?
That all the swells commend her ?"
Or, "Who is Goodwood, what is he ?"
(If masculine in gender.)
The old man is getting tired of races, too. Expulsions from the "ring,"
duckings as a "welsher," and confinements under the Grand Stand for
(trumped-up) drunk and disorderliness, possess but few attractions to
him Row, their novelty has long since departed, and they cloy somewhat.
No; Goodwood is near Brighton, and what the gifted Prophet intends
doing on Cup Day is to lie in some shady nook (if he can find it), on
the beach at Brighton," with no companion save his trusty flask, and
Mr. Ross's Book of Brighton, and placidly wait till some one comes and
tells him what he knows so well-that all his tips have been successful.
With the calmness born of this resolution, the old man is
Yours, &c., TROPHONIUS.
P.S.-Land Bill Scurry training finished at last-see last week's tip.
Scarcity of water-old man compelled to fall back upon other liquids I

w Cro CORsasrOmcosnTS.-ri, di~to doeS not bind ktimsetf to acknc'wted~e, return,, or in,' lo'w Contributions. In~ no are witl ktiv be 'ef-daled ,wteos
accompanied by a sra~tjed and dir-ected .envetooe.

42 FU N. JULY27,1881.

TH-print'H... hopeless I
1 THE printer's devil's come for more "?
It cannot be, Jemima, surely;
f.- --,-f He's been already twice before,-
;-- qHPooh, pooh 't is all your fancy purely.
-I D TEO__. (He must not leave without it," eh?
Then let him wait upon the landing.
Take him a chair, too, by the way.
Or else he 'll soon get sick of standing.
Farewell, Jemima, get you gone,
And shut the door behind you gently !-
Now let me turn my gallop on,
And settle to my pace intently.
How hot it is again to-day !
So very close and enervating!
'T is over ninety, I should say.-
But I forgot, the devil's waiting.

Here goes 1-a page or two of rhyme
Is nothing when I once begin it;
My common average of time
Is just about a line a minute.
But now, through this excessive heat,
My head's as drowsy as a poppy;
Which clogs the Muse's weary feet,
And keeps me longer with my "copy."
They say that stimulants are bad,
4 And help to make us all the hotter ;
Yet some will drink,-'t is very sad,-
Until the reason seems to totter.
To qualify our spirits well
Is wise in this oppressive weather;
To take some seltzer and Martell
And boldly mingle them together.

An inspiration, I declare!
E CThe printer's boy is very handy.
SI H ie has an hour or so to spare,
So he shall fetch some S. and Brandy.
THE BANEFUL EFFECTS OF DRINK. And, when I've quaffed the friendly drink
O'iullkan.-" IT'S DRINK, SORR, 'S THE CURSE OF OULD OIRELAND. (Since Poesy is not propitious),
DRINK !-THAT MAKES A MAN 'BATE' HIS WIFE, STARVE HIS CHILDREN, A drive upon a 'bus, I think,
GO OUT TO SHOOT HIS LANDLORD,-AND MISS HIM TOO, BEDAD I" To Hampstead Heath will be delicious.

A Young Grammar-Crammer. Now Reaay. One Shilling; fost-free, is. 2a.
A FOND mother, speaking to us the other day of her prodigy of a son, I TUN'8 )' A A 10T v T 8
declared that he positively devoured his lesson books. "Ah I" was our FUIN'S &A SK T
response, "then no doubt he has digested his Eaten' Latin Grammar
long ago? The fond mother failed, however, to understand or appre- 8kitched by GORDON THOMSON.
ciate our chewe d'esprit.
Owing to the great popularity at Mr. Thomson's Skits on the Royal Academy
Pictures of former years, it is thought that the subject demands more extensive treat-
Storming the "Breeches !" meant than is possible to give in the pages of FUN," hence the issue of this Shilling
THERE is already a split in the ranks of the Rational Dress Society Volume.
on account of the ardour with which some of its members go in for the EXTRACT FROM PREFACE.
"divided skirt." We think a good name for these ladies who sacrifice They are intended-
Firstly, by turning the visitor's thoughts in a novel direction, to keep him merry
everything else to their desire for revived Bloomerism would be Pana- (and therefore good-humoured and lenient), which cannot b et be of great benefit
loon-atics! both to himself and the artist.
Secondly, for those who have visited the show and desire a sourefir.
Thirdly, for those who haven't and don't, va.,
A Force-able Suggestion. (a) Those who can go and won't;
(P) Those who couldn't if they would;
POLICEMEN are popularly supposed to be arrayed in a shade of in- (c) Those who wouldn't if they could; and
visible green, but why the uniform of the so-called "copper "should not Lastly, as a balm to the rejected and unhung.
be of an unmistakable copper colour is what we want to know. Unless, To any who object to the tone of the work, it may be pointed out that fun is good;
b thought unadvisable to make them that you cannot have too much of a good thing; and that therefore the best thing to
indeed, it be thought unadvisahie to make them more like orange- do is to make fun of everything.
peelers." "FUN" OFFICE, I53 FLEET STREET, E.C.

SOMETHING IN A NAME.
"The Marquis and Marchioness of Salis-
bury entertained the Nawab Mookurrumood-
Dowloh. the Archbishop of Canterbury and
Miss Tait, the Duke of Northumberland, the
Marquis and Marchioness of Exeter, Earl and
(ountess of Carnarvon, Earl of Shaftesbury
and Lady Edith Ashley, Viscount anti Vis-
countess Bury," &c., &c., &c.
THE footman who graces Lord Salis-
bury's hall
Was heard t'other evening to howl
"Oh,
Make way there, make way, for the
greatest of all,
The Nawab Mookurrumood-Dew-
loh !"
The Indian with diamonds all of a blaze,
At supper sat down cheek by jowl, oh,
With bishops and dukes, who exchanged
gaze for gaze
With Nawab Mookurrumood-Dowloh.
The Marquis to air Hindostanee he
tried,
The Indian looked Wise as an owl,
oh.
"Who is he?" the Earl asked; the
Countess replied,;
"Why, Nawab Mookurrumood-
Dowloh."

Morning and Evening.
SHE was sitting-at eleven-
He was lying at her feet;
And from ten to half-past seven,
Without anything to eat,
They had known an earthly heaven
Most deliriously sweet !
But the dressing-bell for dinner
Bade them be in readiness ;
And she fancied she was thinner
When she fastened up her dress!
And he recognized an inner
Voice of ravenous distress !
Age's eve youth's morning follows;
Life is changefil as the moon;
Hearts, and teeth, and-other hollows
To be filled will importune !
Man but cares for what he swallows-
Lives for knife and fork and spoon !
Though it may be shocking, this is
What Love comes to by degrees;
Youth may revel in fierce blisses,
Age delights in quiet ease;
Youth may live upon its kisses,
Age prefers its bread and cheese I

NEW LEAVES.
"PRINCIPLES of Modern Hairdressing," by Joseph Lichtenfeld.-A
book of sound practical knowledge in a comprehensive and an instruc-
tive form, from which may be learnt much to the improvement of the
insides of ladies' heads as to the adornment of the outsides.
We have received from Messrs. Stanley Lucas, Weber, and Co. a
charming little volume of Nursery Rhymes," the music composed by
Gertrude Hine, a daughter of the eminent landscape painter of that
name, and admirably illustrated by Frederick Barnard. We cannot
speak in too high praise of these compositions, which are all so admirably
adapted to the simple words with which they are associated. Some of
the rhymes at the end of the book are as new to us as they are charming
in sentiment. Of these we would particularize the last of all, The
Children's Good Night," as being exceptionally good.
We have, by the same composer, a part song, "The Song of the
Wind" (Novello, Ewer, and Co.), the poetry written by Maude Hine.-
This is very sweet and tenderly told. The sisters have here combined
to give to the musical world what ought to become a public favourite.
"The Theatre of Life," by G. R. Sims.-These scenes are drawn
and painted with all the skill of a master who displays a profound

knowledge of human nature, and a power of delineation dramatic in its
force, tender in expression, and strong in sympathy, which appeals
irresistibly to those who are, so to speak, "in front for those who are
"behind the scenes."
"'' Celebrities of the Day gives highly interesting short histories of
men who, by their talent or force of character, have made themselves
prominent positions amongst those who have achieved eminence.
LIEUT.-COL. SECCOMBE'S "Army and Navy Birthday Book" (G.
Routledge and Sons) is a charming variety in the treatment of birthday
books. It is specially directed to the Services," admirably illus-
trated, and has amusing letterpress for every day in the year. It should
be a great favourite.
"An Old Fogey," by Max Adeler (Ward and Lock), contains some
other pleasant tales besides "An Old Fogey." Max Adeler's works are
always well worth reading ; he has both wit and humour, and "max"
us laugh.
Six Pretty Girls."-The summer number of 7inslev's M11agazine.
Who would not delight to revel in the "mag" of Six Pretty Girls?

A SHADE "-CEUVRE.-Ninety-four degrees out of the sun !

VOL. XXXIV.-NO. 847.

GARDEN BLOOM.
He.-" ROSIE, YOU LOOK MORE BLOOMING THAN EVER."
She,-" THAT IS THROUGH BEING SO GOOD A 'GARDEN PARTY.'"

MR. BRADLAUGH'S WATCH.
THE question Fate (which loves to find
Confusing queries) now propounds
Attains importance of a kind
Which absolutely has no bounds;
This weighty question we recite :-
"Was Mr. Bradlaugh's ticker right?"'
We'd have the reader understand-
At all events we 'd have him try-
The future of our native land
Entirely hangs on Fate's reply;
We ask, with feelings far from light,
If Mr. Bradlaugh's watch was right.
For if that watch and Ben" agree-
The law appears to understand-
Then Atheism is to be
Triumphant in our native land;
Religion is to take to flight
I If Mr. Bradlaugh's watch was right.
Our notions on domestic things
(Effete and stupid, all the lot)
Are instantly to spread their wings,
And yield them to the deuce knows what.
They will be in a pretty plight
If Mr. Bradlaugh's watch was right!
That poor unhappy thing, The Oath,
The foremost victim of the change,
Will be disgraced, or hanged, or both,
As dread Affirmers may arrange ;
A Member's bonds will be but slight,
If Mr. Bradlaugh's watch was right.
You'd think these matters would depend
On men's opinions through the land ?
Oh, dear I The Law will have to lend
You proper brains to understand !
They hang upon those words of might:-
"Was Mr. Bradlaugh's ticker right ?"
So, seeing that its rightness would
Involve such very startling ends,
We beg to say the public should
Be grateful to its trusty friends
The jury, whose belief was strong
That Mr. Bradlaugh's watch was WRONG.

Doing a Breakdown.
IN Ireland the Cork assizes have been adjourned, and the prisoners
released, in consequence of the breakdown of the jury system. In Scot-
land the authorities considered it prudent to let some captured rioters go
to appease the fury of other uncaptured ones. We believe, however, that
we are the first to lay the following items of intelligence before the
public :-
Tommy Smalltoes, a desperate youth of seven years, who was lately
apprehended by the police on a charge of scattering orange-peel, has been
unconditionally released. It appears that his resistance to the police was
of the most desperate nature, including the shooting of peas and biting,
and the authorities considered it imprudent to provoke him to further
assaults.
Biddy, the basket woman, was to have been charged at -- with
causing an obstruction; but the epithets which she directed at the police
officers from the moment of her capture, were of so powerful a nature as
to cause the authorities to reconsider the question with the result of allow-
ing the old lady to depart on her own recognizances.
A remarkable instance of prudent finesse was seen the other day in
the case of the magistrate at Police Court.
A young lady from up a court, having been brought before his Worship,
was about to be removed to the cells, when she said, If yer don't let
.me go I'll scrag yer when I gits hout!" The magistrate, with instan-
taneous grasp of the position, due to wonderful presence of mind, at once
perceived that some modification in his plans had become absolutely
necessary.
But you don't mean it-reallv mean it ?" he asked.
'Anged if I don't I replied the damsel.
"Constable," said the magistrate, with prompt decision, "give the
young lady something from the poor-box, and let her go."
This little incident has tended greatly to heighten the authority of the
magisterial bench among the denizens of the court.
A free pardon has been extended to all the convicts at Portland in

consequence of their unanimous remark: "If you keep us 'ere any
longer it '11 be the wuss for yer "
It was considered imprudent to disregard such a warning.
All prisons are about to be abolished, as the authorities consider it
wise to propitiate Mr. W. Sikes of the New Cut.

An Unreasonable Reason.
A MAN having been fined 64, or in default twenty-one days' imprison-
ment, for taking a nest of young larks from Wimbledon Common, the
thought naturally arises that many a wife-beater has had to pay less for
greater cruelty, and many will want to know how it is that married
women are regarded with less consideration than birds. We must
confess that it is a puzzle-a regular prize puzzle. It might of course be
urged that wife-beating is such an ordinary offence; but then, stealing
young larks from Wimbledon is also a "Common" occurrence. No,
that explanation won't do; so we suppose the fact is that magistrates do
not care much for married women, but they are fond of larks.

Mr. FUN hopes before long to provide his readers with a few answers
from the examination papers of Board scholars on Astronomy, Abstract
Philosophy, Practical Surgery, the Principles of Perpetual Motion,
Advanced Metallurgy and Mining, and Transverse Tortional Strains in
Homogeneous Boiler Plates considered with reference to the Differential
Calculus as a Theoretic Motive Power, and the Effect of the Esoteric
Hiatus on the Future Concrete Autonomy of Nations.
The answers will be exclusively taken from the papers of candidates
under five years.

By Our Fat Special.
DURING the hot weather most diseases are catching : vide Small-Pox,
Measles, and D.T.; but the most difficult of all to catch properly is
the train you want to go by.

TURF CUTTINGS; or PADDOCK AND PARLIAMENT.
TO THE EDITOR OF "FUN."
BRIGHTON, Wednesday last.
SIR,-Here I am on the beach, as I said-but the shady nook is not
to be found-and here they have come in crowds, not to tell me of
Goodwood successes, as I anticipated, but to jeer at my failure, as they
call it There are no angry faces in the crowd, however, and that's a
comfort. They say none of them backed my tip-because they know
what a duffer I am! That is the reason they advance !! It's amusing,
this density of theirs; will they never understand the Prophet ? Just
look at my Goodwood tips, Sir. Of course I disclaim all responsibility
with regard to the Cup. It's as plain as the nose on your face, Sir
(and words can go no further), that Bend Or must have won if he hadn't
been scratched, so for that I can justly claim a success. My horses for
the Stakes being undisturbed, my selections naturally come out all
right. "A Blackthorn crack may stultify a Zealot, but note
Prudhomme at any price." Just so. Who gave you the only tip for
second and third? Idid. And here's a
TIP FOR THE BRIGHTON CUP.
In a state of exaltation, from a pleasing combination
Of an absence of distresses and a presence of successes,
Why, the Prophet who's a-lying on the beach as though a.drying,
With a deal of circumspection is selecting his selection.

And first his eye is falling, with solemnity apalling,
On the horse that seems to revel in its title of the Devil;
Then on that with the discreeter appellation (which it's Peter),
But he passes them and glances at the other horses' chances.

Petronel, it's his persuasion, hits the mark on this occasion,
Though for Exeter, with meekness, he confesses to a weakness;
And that animal Fernandia into emulation fanned is,
While the Edelweiss is cunning and successful in its running.

But there's safety in the Prophet (if you need assurance of it),
And it's not without emotion he enunciates the notion
That, though Teviotdale's a runner you may justly style a stunner,
There's a whisper which is inner, tells him Borinie Doon is winner.
As I am here, Sir, I think I shall spend some holiday here, though
it's not the best time of year for such. There's a genial, free-and-easy,
communistic, no-distinction-of-class air about the place that I enjoy,-
especially as I am a sort of autocrat here: you'll understand better
what I mean, Sir, when I tell you that I always commence the day by
"pitching into" the serf, and finishing up the evening by "sitting on"a
peer Yours, etc., TROPHONIUS.
P.S.-About Westminster events. The final tussle for the Irish Land
Scurry is expected soon,-I anticipate the same candidate's success.
Sir M. Hicks-Beach ran very well on Censure for the Transvaal
Welter, though he didn't succeed in getting home.

THE LONDON SEASON.
BY A BLASE VICTIM.
PERHAPS it is proper, perhaps it is right,
To feign that you take the profoundest delight
In rushing about with the whole of your might,
From morning till sunset, and then through the night,
On the track of gay Fashion's most snipe-ified flight;
Indeed, you '11 be branded as being "too quite"
(In unflattering sense), and by no means polite,
Besides guilty of social treason,
In the eyes of the people who know, if you dare,
With a rashness deserving of blame, to declare
That you do not yourself unreservedly share
The opinions of those giddy creatures who swear
That there's nought to be found in the earth or the air
Or the sea, which, for power in banishing care
And establishing pleasure, can fitly compare
With the course of the London Season.
Perhaps it is pleasant, for people who know,
To revolve at a pace that is not at all slow
Round the spots where the lamps of Society glow,
And to drive in the Park and to ride in the Row,
And to flit, as the bees flit, from show unto show,
And to see the same faces wherever they go,
And to talk the same talk and to do the same do,
Till they 're nearly bereft of reason,
And their minds grow a jumble of dinner and ball,
And of afternoon tea and of afternoon call,
And of rowing and racing and concert and stall,
And of cricket and Court, and of tennis and hall,
And of flirting and Over the Garden Wall,"
And of vaulting ambition and subsequent fall,
And of heartache and other aches too, which are all
The results of the London Season.
Perhaps it is wicked, perhaps it is wrong,
To rather seek pleasure that isn't ding-dong,
To mix your amusements a little less strong,
To hold yourself somewhat aloof from the throng,
To wish to send Fashion away to Hong Kong,
And to yearn for the woods and the nightingale's song,
Or the hills, or the bark lightly skimming along
O'er the wave when you've got a breeze on:
Perhaps this is so, and perhaps there are few
Who would like to confess these surmises untrue;
But I 'm bound to affirm, in my cynical view-
As a party who formerly thought that he knew-
That of town or of country in summer, why, phew !
The country's the better by far of the two,
And I'd gladly accept its seclusion in lieu
Of the whole of the London Season.

Z ,o,i- was the Constable who Captured the Notorious Burglar of Brompton. But Much sudden Fame, and the Too Obvious Admiration and Homage of the
public, uere too much for Z's retiring disposition,

I ,IJ', u a:o e tIe 1Ip-r," he repeatedly said to his missus ; I know it ;s all about 1lE. It is too muih." His nerves became quite unstrung !ibout
t matter. die would hid from every telegraph boy, feeling convinced thatithe stripling brought% message for him to come and be prescuted to the Queen and
created Lord -Mayor.

FLOATS AND FLIES.
-" EE how one may be deceived!
Enjoying Mr. Harvey's play, The
i | Workman, at the Olympic (and
S' it really can be enjoyed if you
,, give your mind to it), I thought
.-- to myself, Now, here is a skilful
i 'enough blending of old materials
and a working out with com-
S '\ ) mendable directness of an old
*, .'\ "l'. idea, and albeit impressing one
S with the belief that it has missed
VIA \ its way and got to the wrong side
of the water, the play is a very
fair play of its kind, "though
/ holding not a few improbabilities
and absurdities." But when I
S ,, reached home and, ia the pri-
vacy of my own particular sanc-
tum, examined the play-bill, I
found The Workman described
as a new and original English
domestic drama !" See how one
... may be deceived !
In the first act we are intro-
duced to a new and original village called Willowdale. The scene is
the cottage garden of a new and original widow named Deborah Barton;
here we have rustic seats, "clustering woodbine," o'ershadowing elms,
and a new and original pigeon-cote, waiting patiently for pigeons.

John Tressider, "the workman" (with song, and I may say "with
band also, for, like the lady of our youthful memories, he "has music
wherever he goes "), and Bessie Barton are going to be married. Bessie
asks John not to inquire into certain two years of her life, and "trust
her whatever may be said against her." John promises ; but we artful
ones don't expect him to keep his promise, not we I

Somebody says, "all the village is coming to the wedding ;" if that
is the case, it is a rather sparsely populated, not to say youthful village.

There is one old person in that village, by the way; he's that preter-
naturally new and original being, the blind fiddler with the silent violin.
The act closes with the arrival of the wicked female rival.

The second act shows us John Tressider (with band) and wife, at their
happy tea-table (thick bread and butter and big basin for John),-till
the wicked female arrives-accompanied by a satellite, who drawls and
wears an eye-glass, and seems to belong to her, as she takes him about
with her wherever she goes-and instils doubts, which John swallows
with an appetite, about a mysterious infant Bessie goes to see.

In the third act we have a new and original baronet, who has married
Bessie's sister Miriam, and is "moulding her," and "forming her," and

I 'l

OivMPIc.-THE GENTLE HEROINE ROUSED, OR HOW TO MAKE A RIVAL'S PART
GO DOWN.
"bringing her out," and so on, in a manner positively reeking with
novelty. To Miriam comes Bessie to ask her to put her right with
her husband (ha! ha! do we smell a rat?); then comes the husband

for his wife, raging; then does the baronet inform him that Bessie
"went wrong," and tried to lead Miriam wrong also; then is Bessie
implored by her husband to deny it, but, looking wildly to the flies, she
says, "I cannot,"-which is obviously absurd.

In the fourth act we have a morose husband taken to drink, wrongly
suspected wife ill-used, dilapidated home, dying child, benevolent doctor
who orders fresh air, and suchlike. Comes the wicked female (bringing
her "walking gentleman with her) ; heroine, goaded to madness, in-
dulges in physical violence, and "reveals all,"-it was Miriam who
"went wrong," and Bessie had taken an oath never to reveal it. Remorse
of John Tressider (with band), and crushing of baronet.

The fifth act winds up everything in the good old new and original
manner. Every one delighted that Bessie isn't guilty (which would be a
dreadful thing), and much relieved to find that it is Miriam who is to
blame (which of course doesn't matter at all), and the curtain descends
without satisfying a doubt which has risen in the spectators' mind as to
who took care of Mrs. Barton's cottage all the time she was in London.

As a whole the acting was about as new and original as the piece.
Mr. Frank Harvey, though a trifle too loud in tone, gave a very fair ren-
dering of the principal part, relieved here and there by a touch of real
art; Miss Charlotte Saunders made amends for much by her very excel-
lent performance; Miss E. Falconer's Bessie was a capable rendering of
a conventional part ; but Miss Eyre Robson spoke even more loudly

THE GAIETY.-A PARTING SHOT.
than her manager; Miss Baldwin was as hard as a nether mill-stone,
and Mr. Appleby seemed so impressed with the comicality of the charac-
ter he was impersonating as to eliminate what humour was to be found
in a sort of second-hand Eccles.

Claude Duval (here we are again!) will not be produced at the Opera
Comique by Mr. Barker, but at the Olympic, by Mr. Gunn, so that the
mighty Claude, deprived of his "barker, "is determined at least to have
his Gunn. The first performance will be on the 30th, and the cast is
as strong as you can wish with reason.

On Saturday Mr. C. Francis opens the Haymarket with a new
comedy, and an adaptation of La Reine des Halle. The lady should feel
herself at home.
The Hanlon-Lees, previous to their departure for America, have been
appearing at the Gaiety for a week as a parting shot to the mother
country. The acting of this combination is certainly the most perfect
of its class that has been seen with us for years, and I hope we haven't
lost them for long. Un Voyage en Suisse is still the piece they travel
with, of course. I wish them ban voyage. NESTOR.

A Hard Fact.
BEFORE the Liverpool police pounced upon a consignment of infernal
machines from America, a large part of the public were in the habit of
regarding such Fenian diabolicalities as devoid of any material existence
-mere "things in the abstract ;" but since their actual discovery in
barrels of cement, the very same people arc disposed to regard them as
"things in the concrete "

Run-'em-down.
THE reserve squadron, under command of II.R.II. the Duke of Edin-
burgh, on leaving Leith, steered through a fleet of fishing boats, doing
great damage to nets, floats, and other gear, in fact, "ron" through the
"squad without "reserve." This is more than a "Juke."

50 FUN. AiUUST 3, s8s.

And-hang it !-this fellow employed upon FUN
To whom I've entrusted this note to be written
(As knowing the way that the thing's to be done)
Has shamefully gone and declared himself bitten
This fellow declares, "if his rhymings are flat,
It's all on account of the Comet and that "
The fellow declares that I 've got in his head
(I 'd like to belabour that same with a rooler *),
And says he's decided on going to bed
And writing no more till the weather is cooler ;
Hole's down on his back, Mr. Editor, flat,
And whimpering feebly "The Comet and that. "t
Can't help it: it's the Comet. Can't make it ruler unless you make it culer-
So it s as broad as it's long.
t We have our suspicions that the fellow mentioned has added the last two verses
on his own account, being afraid to put his determination in a more straightforward
form to an Editor noted for his severity.-[Editorial Note.]

A WORD FROM THE COMET.

MR. EDITOR, Sir,-
From beginning to end
I study your print with an ardour persistent,
And look upon you as a personal friend,
In spite of your being so awfully distant;
So I wish to complain, Mr. Editor, Sir,
Of your countrymen's treatment, at which I demur.
It's a fact that no sensible mortal denies,
A palpable fact to the rapidest scanner,
That I go my respectable way in the skies
In the most inoffensive and quietest manner,
And yet there is always a deuce of a stir
About my misdeeds, Mr. Editor, Sir I
Whenever some criminal, madman, or dunce
Breaks out into vagaries extra unruly
He somehow contrives to discover at once
That the little occurrence is caused by yours truly
He promptly and cheerfully puts on the shelf
The thought of its springing at all from himself.
Your suicide struggles to snuff himself out,
But a chat with a magistrate crowns his endeavour :
King Violence swaggers insanely about,
And Prince Petty Larceny's specially clever :
But little disturbance is wrought on my ease
By the wild accusations of persons like these.
But wholly apart from the region of jokes,
And sufficient to render a fellow a fretter
Is the conduct of highly respectable folks,
Of responsible people who ought to know better;
When suchlike attack me it filleth my cup
Of sorrow. It galleth. It toucheth me up!
There 's respectable Jones, there's unblameable Brown,
There's Smith who can always obtain recognition-
Three excellent fellows, of spotless renown,
And holding a fairly respected position ;
But they have that excuse most unpleasantly pat:-
"Can't help it, you know; it's the Comet and that."
lie loses his gingham, does negligent Jones;
Brown sits on his glossiest hat in his fooling;
While Smith on a sudden discovers his tones
Are mellowed by manifold cups that are cooling;
,ut the mellowing tones, and the gampp," and the hat
I lave suffered, of course, from "the Comet and that."

"IT'S AN ILL WIND."
"AE I AYE! LADY. AS YEWV SAY, WE LIVES IN BLESSD TIMES. YESTRR-
DAY I WASH' WUTII A SCREW. NOW, TO-DAY I 'VE A-HEERD 0' MY LOY
JACK REIN' WASHED OVERBOARD OFF THE CAPE, AND DROWNED. I SHALL
IT ALL 'RES BACK PAY AND ALL 'EES CLOTHES. I'M A MADE MAN "

More Cookery a la Comique.
THERE are so very many kinds of geese in this world that it is almost
impossible to give any one plan for cooking a person's goose. As a rule,
though, geese generally get pretty well roasted," and you can stuff"
them with almost anything. When properly stuffed the bird should be
held together with skewers, otherwise it looks skewerious.
Ducks also differ very much; for instance, white ducks want water"
-that's well known. Wild ducks, on the other hand, require green
peas and a nice brown gravy, to achieve which necessitates a brown
study. They are not in season just now, but if you should be out walk-
ing and your head is in danger from a cricket ball, why, then you
"duck" at once.
Fowls before they can be either roasted or boiled must be properly

trussed, and for this purpose a cook must have credit, as it is impossible
if the poulterer says "No trust." This, by-the-bye, is only an associa-
tion of terms. Care is required in the cooking, for the bastes want
constantly basting, but the cook mustn't be chicken-hearted.
With regard to hares, first catch your hare, of course, otherwise you
will catch it, and then proceed to jug it. For this purpose you need not
necessarily use a jug, as in most households there are usually "family
jars."
Pigeons should be dressed as soon as they are killed; it does not do
to keep them (it's only boys that keep pigeons); so that as soon as they
are cleaned, then it is high time to cook them.
Grouse, on the other hand, should be kept till they are on the go."
After the 12th of this month they will be "all the go." You may be
sure this is correct information, for invariably when they are taken into
the kitchen the cook exclaims, "Oh, hang the grouse."

A MOST .ESTHIETIC RACE.-" Lily "-putians.

CURT COMMENTS.
AT Eastbourne, when the electric light was used in the Devonshire
Park grounds for the first time, the band played Haydn's "Farewell
Symphony" as the gas was turned out, and "The Surprise" as the
new light was introduced. This certainly was appropriate action on
the part of the band. There seems to be a rage just now for light
music.
It is stated that on the occasion of the Baroness Burdett-Coutts's
second garden party this season at Holly Lodge, Highgate, the grounds
were studded with Japanese umbrellas. We expect these were not the
only things thus treated. We are quite sure the comfort of the guests
was also studied.
At the opening of an Industrial Home for Girls at Forest Hill, it is
reported that "Lord Shaftesbury declared his conviction," &c. We
cannot believe it. It is true that his lordship is very friendly with the
costermongers, but we don't believe he has ever been convicted.
A clothier having tried to recover the value of some goods supplied
to the wife of a man living in Australia, Mr. Commissioner Kerr re-
marked, with his customary I:errtesv, You ought to have been sharper
than to trust a married woman." He is the man for Kerr't Comments.

AUGUST 3, 188I.

FUN. 51

Vivat Rex!
(A Bit ol Burlesque Sedition.)
THE Poet Laureate only sings
To earn a paltry hire;
For sordid little queens or kings
He basely strikes the lyre.
My Muse-unfettered in her strain-
Will take a nobler flight;
Will shout aloud, and shout again,
Long live King Dynamite !
We see the Golden Age revive-
The Church, the Court, the Crown
In vain with baffled hate may strive
To trample Erin down.
Behold, from yonder Orient sky
The dawn has chased the night;
Haste, brethren all, to raise the cry,
Long live King Dynamite!
A trusty friend our monarch proves,
And proves a deadly foe-
In darkness and in shade he moves,
To strike the stealthy blow.
A sudden shriek that rends the skies-
A tongue of lurid light-
And in the dust a palace lies.
Long live King Dynamite!
The deafening crash of shattered thrones
O'er all the earth and sea
Shall warn the world, in thunder-tones,
That Ireland will be free.
The day of battle nears apace;
Arm, Fenians, for the fight
Be this the war-cry of the race-
Long live King Dynamite 1

A VENETIAN BLIND.-Yes, that was Bra-
bantio, so long as he remained unaware of his
daughter's affection for Othello.

SOMETHING WORTH LOOKING AT.
Aged Party.-"As You SAY, MISS, I HAM INDEED A-GETTIN' WERRY OLD, AND I
AVE A-SEEN A MANY THINGS IN MY TIME-CHRISTININGS, FUNEREALS, AND WED-
DINS-BUT THERE IS ONE THING AS I'VE NEVER SEEN, AS I SHOULD LIKE TO AFORE
I DIE."
Young Lady.-" WHAT IS THAT?"
Aged Parl,.-" A DIVORCE, MISS!"

OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL'S METROPOLITAN
"SEA-SIDING."
WHEN my wife had sat in the sun, on the Embankment, for an hour
and a half making believe to wait for a bathing machine, I went back to
her and said, "You would probably have had to wait longer than this
were you really at Ramsgate; but no matter, come with me;" and
buying, en route, a packet of Tidman's sea-salt, I took her to the nearest
public baths, and bade her have her dip in the briny. "You will be able
to undress in comfort, my dear," I remarked, and there will be no fear
of your bath being impregnated with sewage; nor will you have low cads
staring at you through telescopes; so that it will not be much like a
bath at your dear seaside, I fear. Still, make the best of it, and join
me when you come out at the Embankment Gardens."
On which I went off to them myself, and sat down to enjoy a morning
paper and a pipe, with the tide flowing brightly before me, and flowers
and trees all around. But after a really delightful spell of about an hour,
I suddenly remembered that I was presumedly at Ramsgate, and ought,
therefore, to be doing as nearly as possible what the Ramsgaters do. So
I bestirred myself, and seeing a loafing mariner or two about, I went up
and promised them beer and baccyy if they would come up and bother
me at frequent intervals to take a boat. I also tipped a young Arab
some coppers to take up handfuls of dust and gravel (the nearest approach
to sand and shells I could obtain) and shy them with fiendish shouts at my
back and face, in the regular gleeful children-on-the-sands-at-Ramsgate
manner. By also giving a beggar, who was selling bootlaces and lead
pencils, sixpence not to move on, but to stay and worry me into buying
his wares; and slyly encouraging three nursemaids, who were handy,
to induce their juvenile charges to crawl over my feet, climb on my knees,
and pull my coat-tails, I soon managed to make my seat a great deal
more suggestive of the seaside than it had been ; and then to make the
resemblance more complete, a German band and two barrel-organs came
down side-streets at my back, and all played out of tune together. I
could shut my eyes, and really fancy myself on the happy (!) sea-shore,
especially when Mrs. Extra-Special joined me and began to suggest that
all our olive-branches were drowned, just as she used to when we were
at Ramsgate.
And so to our lodging to dinner, which would have been more "sea-

sidey" in character had it consisted of a half-raw joint and a dish of
sodden potatoes. However, by letting the things get quite cold, and
sitting in a thorough draught, we made the meal seem something like a
Ramsgate one; and when it was over, instead of taking a nap (to nap
at the seaside was wasting money, my better half always contended), I
went and hailed a cab to take us for a drive-such a post-prandial
outing being a part of our regular Ramsgate programme. But the
driver, try as I would, refused to be either impudent or extortionate, so
that I had to allow that this pleasant drive to Fulham and back was not
at all like one of our ordinary seaside excursions.
On our return my wife reminded me that, had we been in the Isle of
Thanet, we should next dress in our Sunday clothes and mingle with the
elite of the visitors ; upon which, as soon as she was ready, I took her by
'bus to Houndsditch, than which even Margate Jetty itself could not
have shown her n her an liter" company, if I may use the term.
Tired of mingling with the nobss," we returned to our lodgings,
expecting to find that the "cat" had cleared off the cold meat, whiskey,
tea, sugar, &c., in the fearless old Marine Parade fashion. But, no I
all was as we had left it, and I began to feel that it was necessary, after
all, to positively go to Ramsgate to really enjoy its peculiar briny
privileges.
When they brought us stale shrimps for tea, hope revived, and I
murmured to my wife, "Surely, my darling, this is 'sea-sidey' enough
for you !" and I said the same when some drunken Christy Minstrels
stopped in front of our window to go through their extra repertoire twice,
and two of the arm-chairs fell literally to pieces as we sat in them.
But the clean sheets and comfortable bed-room again spoiled the
illusion, and I was fain to admit, ere I slept, that for a day of persistent
noise, and vulgarity, and extortion, and discomfort, it was necessary to
make a trip to the sea-coast of our island home, after all.

A Correction.
IT is not true that the noble author of "Childe Harold had, when
at Harrow, an enormous appetite, and was known by the sobriquet of
"Greedy Byron." The mistake arises from some confused r, collection
of the motto of his house, which, as most of us are aware, is Crede
Byron."

"CT To COkiCRi NDhNTrS.- -Ae elatro- dos not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or pay for Contributions. In no case will they be returned unless
accompanied bv a samtamfed and directed envelope,

FUN.

AUGUST 3, I88i.

SOME RANDOM JOTTINGS ON THE BANK HOLIDAY.

I. Rail.
2. River (Bank Holiday).
3. The Young Lady who always stops at Home.

Choir Queries.
THE choir of Holy Trinity Church, Coventry, have given notice that
they will go out on strike unless their stipends are raised. Whether the
basses require treble pay, or the contraltos an alto-gether new scale
of salaries, or the baritones a "tenor," or fiver or so, we are not in-
formed ; but since the threatened action on the choir's part their per-
formances have had a "striking" effect, we understand. Whether things
will end in their getting what the vicar considers a "surplice-sage of
pay is another matter. The congregation hopes the matter will be
settled soon, because, as it is, the various singers, in their desire to stand
or fall together, take each other's parts," even in the anthems I
A Bloodthirsty Ruffian.
THE O'Donovan Rossa did quite right in calling it a Skirmishing
Fund; he quite understands how to rifle people. All thieves, though,
are not murderers in spirit. O'Donovan may find out some day that a
hardly-used landlord can possibly retaliate by taking a journey to the
States, and dynamiting him.
THE Relations between France and the Porte continue to be in a
high state of tension." This tension is not at all Snappy."

4. The Young Lady who never misses going out on a Bank
Holiday.
5. Every facility is, of course, granted by every Railway
Company.

"FUN'S" HOLIDAY BOOK,
FOR
TI-EE SE.A.SIrD3,
ROAD, RIVER, AND RAIL.
Prose and Verse, Humorous and Sentimental. Pictures on every page.
Price One Shilling; post-free, Is. 2d.
DICK BOULIN'S FOUR-IN-HAND.
By the Author of "MY NEIGHBOUR NELLIE."
"Dick Boulin' is entirely free from vulgarity, or from aught that can be said to be
objectionable."-Pubfc Ofinion.
"' The book opens with a capital sketch of coach travelling as it was some five-and-
twenty or thirty years ago."-Pictorial World.
"A very amusing story of old coaching times."-Reynolds's.
"FUN" OFFICE, x53 FLEET STREET, E.C.

London : Irrmed by Dalziel Brothers, at their Camden Press, High Street. N W..and Published (for the Proprietors) by T. Moffitt, at 15. Fleet Street. K.C.
Wednesday. August ,. 188%.

5-"

AUGUjST 10, 1881.

FUN.

SCIENCE AFLOAT.
Claude (reading):-"'AND THERE ARE MANY AUTHENTIC ACCOUNTS OF THE SUCCESSFUL USE OF OIL IN QUELLING THE VIOLENCE
OF THE WAVES.'"
Fred.-"WONDERFUL! WE MIGHT ASCRIBE THIS DISCOVERY 10 HOMER'S HERO, 'AJAX OILEUS,' DON'T YOU KNOW?"
Tom.-"OR RATHER TO SAM WARREN'S 'OILY GAMMON.'"
Bloggs.-"FOR MY PART, 'OI'LL' RESERVE MY DECISION TILL I'VE SEEN IT IN OPERATION!"

THE CAROLS OF CLOUDLAND.
VIII.-A FACER!
TIME was we wandered side by side
Along the lazy listless river,
Where willows bend to kiss the tide,
Where lilies gleam and cool ferns quiver.
Time was I loved and lived for you,
And you were mine, my very own !
When life seemed fair and love seemed true.
Ahl, me I how far that time has flown I
Three golden summers sped apace,
For me one spell of winter weather,
And in the dear old trysting-place
Some mystic chance brings us together 1
The sad old elms above us sigh,
Just as they sighed when last we met;
The deep dark river washes by,
Its undersong unended yet.
The dear familiar scene appears
Untouched, unchanged, tho' e'er so slightly;
Ah tell me, have the bygone years
With you and me dealt half so lightly ?
"And are you still Miss So-and-so ?"
I ask, "if I may make so bold."
You, smiling, answer, "Oh, dear no I
SiMy little boy's just two years old! "

FAIR-Y TALEs.-The sanguine prospects held out by the National
Fair Trade League.

A Slip "-pery Mode.
THE American Woman's Rights organ suggests that instead of court-
ship as at present conducted, the marriageable youth of both sexes should
meet at intervals, and each write on a slip of paper the name of the
person he or she would like to marry. All the papers would then be
submitted to two discreet individuals, and if any two slip-writers were
found by them to have declared a mutual attachment, the fact would be
announced, and marriage would duly follow. The suggestion has not
found favour, though, for it is thought that there must be more slips"
than usual between the cup and the lip this new way !

"Celling" the Public.
THE go-ahead Yankee, having whipped the rest of creation, is now
turning his attention to Nature herself. We learn that in New York they
are manufacturing artificial honeycombs, composed of paraffin wax, the
cells being filled up with glucose; a hot plate is passed over the top,
which effectually seals up the apertures of the cells, and the whole pro-
duct is then sold as the best clover honey." This is, no doubt,
magnificent, but it is certainly not honey-comb ilfaiut.

A Case of great Royal Pro-fanity.
THE Queen Isabella of Spain has a fan for every day in the year, it is
reported. This being repeated in the presence of a French wag, he said
that it was more than a fan-cy of the Queen's-it was, in fact, a fan-tasy
-a disease. Asked what disease it could be she suffered from, he
promptly replied, 'Elle-a-fan-tiasis "

SPORTING MEM.-" Lucy Glitters I" No doubt she does, for the
simple reason that "Lucy is light.

VOL. XXXIV.-NO. 848.

54 FUN AunusT to, 18I1.
54

WHO IS IT?
"The Heart of Erin," by Mli.s Owetn BPlacibitrne, deals with the Irish
Land Qutestion. A noted Irish M.P. (not Mr. Parnell) is the hero.
-A ti/ena'm,
WHO is it? Has she swept her fairy fingers
O'er fiction's harp of Tara-diddles, burst
Into three volumes, o'er which rapture lingers,
To picture Healy's last love or his first ?
We know, of course, the villain-Buckshot Nero;
The intrigue, too, tremendous seers might tell
Bur where the dickens did she find a hero
Who's not Parnell?
Who is'it? Does a treble-b'd old Briton
Behold, with fainting heart and palsied hand,
Childe Callan, cloaked and classic d la Lytton,
Wrest, regal, from his rule, his love and land ?
Is it an O connected with a Trigger,
Whose duels beat all Cassagnacs' of France?
It can't, it's not, it mustn't be our Biggar,-
HIe licks Romance!

A NOBBLER.
Solomons.-" S' HELP ME! SORRY TO HEAR YOUR STUPID BROTHER
HAS LEFT HIS BERTH, AND GONE FOR A SOLDIER; BUT THERE-THERE
-WE MUSTN'T BE TOO HARD ON YOUNG FELLERS, JONES; I WASH AS
BIG A FOOL AS ANY OF 'EM WHEN I WASH YOUNG!
7ones.-" YEs, SOLOMONS; AND YOU AIN'T AN OLD MAN NOW,
SOLOMONS "

Matrimonial Accessories.
Lord Glamis, the noble bridegroom, being in the 2nd Life Guards, the
non-rommissioned ojicers of his regiment lined the aisle of the church."
-Morning Post.
WHY do we not read such paragraphs as the following, then ?-
"Sir H. 13reefs, Q.C., last week led the lovely Miss Dockett to the
altar. The bridegroom being a Bencher of his Inn, the church aisle
was lined with a double row of junior counsel in wig and gown, and
armed with brief-bags, from which they scattered roses in the pathway
of the pair."
"Dr. Lancet, M.R.C.P.S., L.S.A., M.D., &c., &c., was on Tuesday
last united in marriage to the daughter of Mr. Gammon, M.P. Being
the senior physician at Fawke's Hospital, the churchyard path was
lined by a detachment of medical students walking the above hospital,
each of them bearing an appropriate surgical instrument or other symbol
of the healing art."
"It will be remembered that the noble lord, whose wedding we de-
scribed yesterday, was the Chairman of the West Diddlesex Junction
Railway. This fact accounts for the presence of the twenty-four express-
train guards in full uniform, strewing old railway tickets in the path of
the happy couple."
"The most novel incident at the wedding of Alderman Sir J. Callipash
was the bulky presence at the ceremony of five ex-Lord Mayors and
twelve Aldermen, all in full municipal uniforms."
We might quote other instances, but it is unnecessary to add to our
examples, we think.

En 1'Air!
AN American paper asks whether the Coming Man will fly? This
will depend very much on whether the Coming Man ever has a policeman
at his heels, we should think.

Who is it ? Have we painted in sad colours,
Appropriated to his state of woe,
The sober Sexton moaning Erin's dolours
Through ninety chapters, cloth or boards, 8vo. ?
Perhaps the gentle scribe does England honour,
And shows in prose, profound as eloquent,
How in due time she named T. P. O'Connor
First President!
M'Coan proved the last, the long-lost Stuart;
Sullivan breaking down the Unjust Will,
Whose second Christian name perhaps is Ewart;
Shaw and O'Shea having a (J. S.) mill;
M'Carthy Quixote fanning faith's last ember,
Samson O'Donnell flooring Limerick Gaol;
'T is thus, perhaps, the dark, the mystic Member
Stalks through the Tale!
O great unknown, we'll gladly rest unknowing,
And let your life our interest immesh,
Provided that the narrative's more flowing
Than are the hero's speeches in the flesh.
Or better still, give us plots, murder, vapours,
Fal-lals, flirtations, burglars, bishops, cooks,
But keep the Parnellites, who fill our papers,
Out of our books !

USEI.ESS MUTE-ILATION.-Cutting out a deaf man's tongue.

Reflections of a Scotch Grouse.
I WISH there were no such month as August, it doesn't agree with me
at all.
Isn't there any way of making people believe that Friday is the twelfth
of July?
I must say that there is a most indecent amount of bustle going on in
the neighbourhood.
What a pity it is that all Members of Parliament are not conscientious
enough to stay in town until every scrap of business has been got through!
Could one possibly bribe the poulterers to "Boycott" me and my
relatives?
I am extremely sorry to hear that hampers are in very great demand
just now.
If Bacon really invented gunpowder, he ought to have been shot first
and never cured afterwards. Oh for the happy days of bows and arrows I
Upon my word, I begin to wish that I lived in Ireland. There they
leave the poor birds alone, to go after the landlords.
I wish I knew of some wholly unfrequented spot where I could go and
spend a quiet holiday.
I wonder if Mr. Cook would grant me a ticket for one of his personally
conducted tours, and bring me safe home again ?
Were I only practised at private theatricals, I would go and make my-
self up like a robin redbreast.
If ever I get into a game pie, won't I do my level best to spoil it !

Suites for the Sweet.
WHEN Royal personages dine out the order of the courses is invariably
altered. That is to say, the "suites" always come in before the soup.
One reason for this is, doubtless, the presence of such superior"
personages.

AuusT o0, 1881. FUN. 55

OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL ON PARLIAMENTARY
RECREATION.
PARLIAMENT may have to sit some little time yet, Sir, and the pro-
ceedings, already dull (excepting the Bradlaugh episode), threaten to
become still duller. My suggestion is, therefore, that steps be taken
forthwith for providing suitable recreation for our overworked legislators.
The recent lawn tennis match between twelve M.P.s was a good be-
ginning ; but there should be play every day, and instead of going to
Prince's for it, why not mark out a few courts in Westminster Hall
(lawn tennis courts, I mean, not law courts) ?
I would propose swimming matches off the Terrace, too; whilst it
would surely be easy to keep an assortment of pleasure boats for our
legislators at the House of Commons Stairs.
If a cricket match of the Members of the Commons at Lord's could
be also arranged, I am certain it would afford amusement not only to
the players, but to everybody detained in town. I would myself, Sir,
walk miles to see Mr. Warton bowling "lobs" to Sir William Harcourt,
or Lord Randolph Churchill puzzling the Premier with one of his curly
ones." Sir Stafford Northcote at "point," and Mr. W. E. Forster at
"long leg," would be equally interesting studies; though I am inclined
to think the attraction of a match would be Mr. Biggar as wicket-
keeper l
The Home Secretary, feeling, no doubt, amusement of some sort
was indispensable, has considerately taken one of the Liverpool dyna-
mite clocks down to the House, and placed it on view in the Library,
So far so good, but he has it in his power to make this a nucleus for a
collection of criminal accessories, which would do r-uch to cheer the
weary Members' waiting hours. May I suggest to Sir William, then,
as a first addition to the infernal machine, an assortment of articles taken
from the portable property belonging to Lefroy; the late Mr. Gold's
collar and umbrella ; the threatening letter sent recently to the Irish
Secretary ; a file of the Hue and Cry, and any sensational criminal
chattels Mr. Howard Vincent may just now have on hand ?
Again, why should not a Committee Room be devoted to billiards,
and another set apart for chess, dominoes, and the Fifteen "Boss"
puzzle? An indulgence in such games, especially the first-named-
billiards-would serve to keep M.P.s steadily upon the spot. As to the
substitutes for the grouse-killing, which commences on Thursday, I
made several suggestions last year on that point; and if legislators re-
maining in town do not have a lobby set apart for glass ball-shooting,
and see what can be done in the way of fishing off the Embankment
in a punt, they will have themselves alone to blame.
What a fine field for athletic exercises, too, Westminster Hall would
make and in these days of obstruction Members might do much worse
than prepare for "All Night Sittings," and other such tests of endurance,
by walking and running races against time and one another. Lord Ran-
dolph might then find it as impossible to walk down Mr. Gladstone out-
side the Commons as he finds it impossible to run him down inside its
walls; whilst certain Tory Members I will not name, Sir, might develop
a proficiency at the long jump in the Hall worthy of their reputation for
pulling the long bow in the House.
It would be only reasonable, too, I think, were the Speaker to officially
arrange for a series of short dramatic or musical performances in a con-
venient apartment for every day the House may sit after the 12th. Still
better would it be if the Government would retain enough out of the
Secret Service Vote to make it worth the while of Mr. W. S. Gilbert and
others to write pieces specially dpropos for a Parliamentary audience. The
journals of the House would afford endless topics for cheery badinage and
satire. There would be no more certain way of "making a House"
during the Dog Days than by holding out to M.P.s the inducement of a
dramatic premiere beneath the roof of their own St. Stephen's Theatre
Royal.
Whether, in addition to all, prizes should be offered for protracted and
regular attendance at the House is a question I leave to the Government
Whips to decide, though I certainly think the legislator who remains up
in town law-making and supply-voting weeks after his less resolute col-
leagues have disappeared, deserves some reward for his pains. At least
let him have a chance in a raffle for a G.C.M.G., or a K.S.I., or better
still, for the reversion of some Government sinecure, such as the Judge-
Advocate Generalship, or a post in the Royal Household.
Here, Sir, at all events, are my suggestions, and I hope they will receive
that attention at the hands of the authorities which they deserve I If
Mr. Gladstone would only take the first step to carry them out all would
go well, for need I remind you, Sir, that it is the "Premier "pas qui
codlte?

Food for Reflection.
AN Astronomical Congress is to be held in September next at Stras-
burg, and it is said that that town is selected for the purpose because it
happens to contain a well-furnished observatory. There is probably a
stronger reason than that. Is not Strasburg the native place of most
admirable pies ?

A CONFESSION.

I LOVE thee overmuch, my sweet,
As sunshine loves the lily;
Fierce rays of heat upon her beat,
Till she turns faint and chilly.

"Alas, my friend, I love thee not !
Alas, for this confession !
My corsets are so tight and hot
I faint from sheer compression I"

Bearing Barlee.
THE inhabitants of British Honduras call on Lord Kimberley to recall
their Governor, whose name is Barlee. But our Colonial Secretary declines
to do so, probably because he feels that any action he took against
Governor Barlee would be decidedly against the grain.

THE BARLEY SPREE.
(The "Lancet" says that among summer drinks the ideal is barley-water'.)
OH, chemist, the true console,
Oh, doctor, the first wit out,
"The bowl" is the biggest bowler
Over of men, no doubt;
By pot, by pan, and by kettle,
Life's openings are most surely oiled;
The metal that gives most mettle
Is that in which barley's boiled.
Chorus. If you want to avoid self-slaughter,
Let your brew be but barley-water;
Take it sour or sweet, take it mixed or neat,
But somehow take barley-water.
Oh, say not the brew's suggestive
Of bruises, and whines in vaults;
Oh, hint not it's scarce as festive
As senna's immortal salts;
Grape tendrils produce tight nooses,
And brandy stomachic brands;
Oh, think of your gastric juices;
Oh, think of your peptic glands!
Chorus. And tipple the mixture you oughter,
The bonnie and bright barley-water;
Never tonic nor tap gave a man half the sap
That he gets from good barley-water.
Men long to drink deeps most vasty,-
The longing's a foolish vice;
Strength lives in things known as nasty,
And coolness is not in ice;
The "Cup," though it's deftly mingled,
For borage might hold monkshood;
And medical craft has singled
Out this as the one thing good :
Chorus. The tipple that makes us all tauter,
The beaming and blest barley-water
See pale death in ice-pails, and an i in all ales,
And imbibe the benign barley-water.
The skill of Harvey and Harley
Could scarcely our new needs meet;
It's all among wetted barley
That men can resist the heat;
The worst of the sage advice is
It doesn't prevail one jot;
And man prefers eating ices,
And staying perversely hot.
Chorus. For death may be iced drinks' own daughter,
But men will cry, "Hang barley-water I
The remedy's worse than the primitive curse;"
Barley bree, yes ; but not barley-water !

56 F F'N. AucUSr 10, 1881.

THE LATEST RIVER PERIL. STEAM LAUNCHES NOWHERE!

- -------

- l~s

-I

~-'~'

This seems to be the sort of thing one may expect on the river now -The ubiquitous-bather pest-boat-swamping-lark I

I .- ,-..

JM "=-- ** I -*i1--' '-
v-: _,TV
V IEW.. ,.. .... .,,,. .

... 7_ _- -_ :

A curious characteristic of the bathing monster (a successful rival of the sea.serpent, except in the one matter of scarcity !) is that a i.rsoi.. dressed in a blue
uniforT cannot see hin (ih one onourable and remarkable exception near Souhwark bridge). Unfortunately, however, ladies ta see him, and cannot go on the
river in consequence He is always in great force at Putney, and much affects Kew.
-.. __, ? -:Tf' -: -=,' -,-_-_-. -,r' __-:,___

]FU JN.-AUGUST 10, i88x.

N

7J

Nit

'V!

4K
1>
I

"PASSING THROUGH THE LORDS;" OR, THE PIG WITH THE GREASY TAIL.

AcusT o10. 188T.

All on One Side.
AH, my Abou Ben Adhem, it's all very fine
To be fond of our frail fellow-creatures;
Universal Philanthropy, half-way divine,
Was the first of your many good features.
I revere your example, and strive now and then
To revive it in fond recollection;
I could love like an angel my dear brother-men,
Did they only return my affection.
There are thousands of beings, no doubt, on this earth,
Full of every perfection and beauty ;
I acknowledge their talents and bow to their worth,
For I feel that no less is my duty;
But I gaze at the selfish and gold-grubbing crowd
With a feeling of bitter dejection.
Ah, my Abou I to love them would make me so proud,
Could they stoop to return my affection.
When you flourished, Ben Adhem, in days long ago,
'T was when Charity ranked as a virtue;
And Goodwill and Fraternity reigned here below,
And made friends with you, ne'er to desert you.
Have they taken their flight, those beneficent three,
And indignantly cut our connection ?
Ah, to love all my neighbours how glad could I be,
Would they kindly return my affection !

A Gross Blunder.
ONE thousand five hundred pounds is published as
being the amount of the net profits of the Norwich
Fisheries Exhibition. But, on inquiry, we find the term
net is misleading, as the above sum was made by "hook
and by crook," and not simply netted.
THE oddest way of determining the length of the Par-
liamentary Session is that arrived at by the keeper of the
lavatory, who during the twenty-eight years he has been
there has never known so many nail-brushes worn out.
This certainly looks as if the Members were desirous of
coming out with clean hands.
SIR W. LAWSON wants to know why so many men eat
a peppermint before using the telephone. Well, it looks
decidedly fishy, Sir W.; what do you think ?

FUN. 59

WISE IN HIS GENERATION.
Mfamma.-" CYRIL, YOU'RE A NAUGHTY BOY ; AND I'VE A GOOD MIND
TO WHIP YOU !"
Cyril.-" HAVE A 11ETTER MIND, MAMMY, AND DON'T."

That Wretch of a Baby.
IT was a long journey, and it was a smoking carriage; settling myself
comfortably, I was anticipating a long reverie, when enter turbulent baby,
triumphantly carried aloft by exulting mother, and followed sadly by a
meek-eyed man, evidently papa. Now, I am naturally a calm man, but
when the sanctity of one's thoughts is rudely broken by an infant, Sir,
and worse than that, by an infant in arms, can you be surprised if vicious
ideas entered my brain, and that I sought within myself how I could
render life a burden to that little innocent? but before I could follow out
my train of thought the little wretch had clutched me by the off whisker
and rendered my right optic sightless by a dexterous backhander.
"Did the nasty man speak crossly to little ducksy-wucksy?" exclaimed
its maternal parent.
And I sat still, Sir, and hated that baby with a bitter hatred. But,
happy thought! revenge was mine. I would teach that baby to chew
and smoke.
Fortune favors me-a tunnel. I gently and surreptitiously insert my
choicest birds-eye into its flaccid little hand-it took it-I gloated. Why
do babies' faces get so black, and why do their mothers thump their
backs so hard ? I dissemble and diligently read the Evening Standard.
There is a wild look about that baby's eye as it clutches convulsively at
its father's briar, and makes strenuous but abortive attempts to convert
my hat-box into a spittoon. I dissemble further and produce a new
clay; I fill it with cut cavendish, and smoke. Another tunnel. I care-
fully insinuate pipe to baby, he evidently thinks it is his bottle, snatches
it hastily.-All is quiet.
Is asphixia a very painful death? and, Goodness is that a street organ
in convulsion? After all it was "only a baby!" but does that woman
never cut her nails? and why, in the name of Goodness, did that meek-
eyed man carry such a knobly stick?
I got out at the next station,-I didn't ask that man to help me,
though,-and somehow or other I forgot my bag, and I thought I had
better not go back for it.
"DREADFUL STORIES."-The upper stories and attics after dark.

THE GREAT EXPULSION.
BY OUR SPECIAL PETITIONER.
ARMED, as a necessary precaution, with a petition "praying that Mr.
Bradlaugh might be allowed to take his seat," which acted like a pass to
a theatre, I saw the great sight. Others may have seen me. I was the
person in a white hat, whose dark eyes glared fiercely through tinted
spectacles, and who brandished an umbrella. A wholesome fear of Mr.
B. was observable in the preparations-there was much police. Where
there is scent of a "row" look for ladies-there were ladies. Mr. 3B.
arrived, demanded admission, and much to his surprise was refused. He
then tried to force his way, but was seized all over by half a dozen men.
"If any one attempts to remove me," he cried, "it won't be enough,"
he would probably have added, but they had him so tightly by the throat
that he was compelled to sing out, and he sung "Base, base!" Then
they had a wild waltz along the passage, and downstairs, and into Palace
Yard, where the ejected of Northampton explained to one attendant,
whom he had nearly choked, that it was a mere involuntary muscular
contraction on his part, though the attendant seemed to think it was
just as bad as if it had been an ordinary squeeze. Mr. B. then refreshed
himself with a glass of water, and promising to "look in again one of
these days," went to take out some more summonses. I then dispersed.

Peine-sans Peine.
HANOVER bids fair to earn a great reputation as a petroleum-yield"
ing country : in proof of which anticipation, from a bore 200 feet deep
near the town of Peine, a single source has been producing in twenty'
four hours nearly twenty thousand gallons of valuable liquid. Con-
sequently, it is stated, a perfect fever of speculation has seized the
neighbourhood; so the inhabitants are not likely to suffer from ennui
just now, although they do possess such "a great bore."

TELLING a man his brains are like a sieve is not a rude remark to
make; it is an essentially "sieve-il" thing to say.

60 FUN[ AUGUST 10, 1881.

FLOATS AND FLIES.
__- __IT-E trail of the
farcical's over us
a u ..- all4" is the gentle
murmur that
S-hovers around
the spectator of
Mr. Pinero'snew
Sand original co-
S medy at the
S Folly. What
-Mr.Pinero could
Shave been think-
l ing about when
he collected to-
gether such im-
,p robabilities and
: ,I impossibilities
for use as a plot
Bn si c' of a modern
S comedy, I can't
By imagine, unless
it is an elaborate
j oke. What little
Serious interest
there is is slurred
over, besides be-
S ing stultified and
smothered by the
--- mass of farce
surrounding it,
To think that
THE FOLIV.-CHURCH AND LAW, THE BISHOP AND llS the dramatist
HoNouR, who gave us the
Money Shin'cr could have been guilty of Imprudence, could have
Been such a sinner; oh
Dear! Mr. Pinero.

By the way, what is the meaning of "new and original" nowadays?
That the dialogue of this piece is Mr. Pinero's own, and the main idea
also (it is infantine enough-to be original, I mean), I have no doubt;
but here is a list of the characters: a selfish and conceited old man, who
wants to get married; a grumbling lodger; a mild and downtrodden
husband ; a young gentleman who must marry within a certain time or
lose his fortune; a good-humouredly cynical young gentleman, who is
confidant-in-ordinary to the rest; a discontended man-servant; flirty
wife of downtrodden husband; neglected daughter of conceited old
man; lodging-house mistress, given to hard beef and stale rolls; and
unkempt drudge of a slaveyy." Ever seen any of them before?

As for the meetings in the lodging-house dining-room after supper, in
the second act, readers of Dickens's boarding-house in "Sketches by
Boz" will recognize something like an old friend.

After these remarks you may be surprised to find that I think the piece

THE FOLLt.-LAZENOY'S PICKLE; IN THE CUPBOARD (where it ought to be).
will be successful, but the dialogue is genuinely and soundly written, sharp
and to the point; the construction is good, and the cast very complete.

Mr. Carton gives a finished rendering of a kind of part familiarized to us
by many an impersonation by Mr. Byron; Mr. A. Wood is first-rate in
a redundant character; and Mr. Righton, as our old friend Dolly Spanker
in disguise, is artistically amusing; nor must Mr. A. Redwood's lifelike
Doby be passed over, small part though it be.

Miss Compton as Mrs. Blake meets all demands of the character satis-
factorily; Miss Bishop is interesting and piquant as required; and
Misses Lindon and Miller make the most of small parts. Before I leave
the subject I must express a sense of gratitude to Mr. Pinero : how kind
to we humble quipsters he is in naming his characters In his last piece
he gave us a Boycott, in this he gives us a Lazenby. How suggestive of
a vista of countless puns is either name Mr. Pinero, I thank thee !

The promises contained in Mr. Irving's farewell speech are important
and comprehensive enough, and he seems unlikely to run out of plays
just yet-two of Shakespeare's, one of Mr. Marshall's, one of Mr. Meri-
vale's, two of Mr. Wills's, and one of Mr. Albery's ready, or nearly
ready, for production, form a pretty good stock, and supposing each to
run one or two hundred nights or so, there seems no need for me to
hurry up with that little tragedy of mine just yet.

Romeo and diet is to be the next Shakespearian production, and Mr.
Alfred Thompson is designing the dresses : he is usually successful in his
designs, they being of a colourable (not to say coloured) nature; in deli-
cate contrasts and blended shades he is parti-colourly good. For his
provincial tour Mr. Irving leads off at Leeds next month, finishing at
Bristol; from whence he comes baccaa 'gain-I mean, returns-bristol-
ing with laurels, to give us Two Roses on Boxing Day.

Wasn't Mr. Irving just a little hard] on the "dossy" young man in
his speech at the Theatrical Fund dinner? Isn't he (the said young
man), more or less, the outcome of the "natural" school, for the
advance of which no one has done more than Mr. Irving himself, and
which has attracted to the stage a far higher class for its third and fourth-
rate lights than of yore? The youth who talks of having "a pleasant
time hyar is at least not unpleasant to the eye, is possessed of gentle-
manly manners, and is generally well educated-an improvement, in
short, on the almost extinct "seedy pro."

The old Adelphi melodrama, Janet Pride, showing how Janet pried
into things while sleeping, and got into trouble in consequence, was
duly produced at its old home on the ist inst. This rather old-fashioned
but eminently dramatic piece is well played all round. The public
'" ,,i ,'

I

" i "4 ",' l ., ,, ,

THE AoDEPHI.-ALL ON THE WATCH.
seem inclined to put up with any amount of Mr. Warner's Pride, and
show themselves ready to swallow two of Irish any day. Miss Gerard
is all that is required as Janet; but perhaps the most strikingly artistic
performance is that of Mr. Fernandez, as Monsieur Bernard. Mr. Can-
ninge gives a careful performance of Mr. Heriot, an old ferret," as Pride
calls him-or put into rhyme-
Old Mr. Heriot is such a feriot !

The Forty Thieves is back again at the Gaiety, and "the sacred
lamp is burning brilliantly once more, albeit a little hampered by the
absence of Mr. Terry-if I may say it without disparagement of Mr.
Taylor (I suppose the dilapidated state of Ali's wardrobe was the
reason of their going to a taylor?), who, I think, is judicious in not
going in for originality in the make-up and get-up of the part-he is
very funny. But they are all very funny, and the piece is one of the
best things Mr. Reece has done.

AUGUST I88 FU. 6
-1.1 -a- ^ ^- ^" 1 ^ 1 1 ^ *- *

The following entertainments were also commenced on the Ist, though
I didn't see them done :-7he Danites at the Surrey, where enthusiasm
reached Danite gratifying to the management there; Mr. J. S. Clarke put
on his Boots and other things at the Vaudeville; and Haverley's Black
Minstrels (male and female) put in an appearance at Her Majesty's.
Messrs. Moore and Burgess should look to their laurels : I think they 'd
win, though they are Haverley handicapped. The Covent Garden Pro-
menade Concerts were to commence on Saturday, and I concerting believe
they have done so.
Another playboy Mr. Sims! "The celebrated Majiltons,"-the Charles
Majiltons-don't make any mistake-are the purchasers this time. The
title is The Gay City, and Mr. Majilton, in "calling in" this author, shows
extreme saGayCity! NESTOR.

TURF CUTTINGS; or, PADDOCK AND PARLIAMENT.
TO THE EDITOR OF "FUN."
SIR,-I am going for a holiday. Yes, Sir, I have packed a bag, a
portmanteau, and a hat-box. I have strapped a rug (borrowed) to an
umbrella (borrowed also, but I forget when and from whom), and I am
going for a holiday. The twelfth-the glorious twelfth-approaches,
Sir, and, though I have received no invitation, and have no moor of my
own, for one of your contributors to remain'in town after the twelfth would
place such a lasting slur on what we all affectionately call the Journal,"
that I cannot venture to incur the responsibility : the notion that all the
contributors are of high social position must be kept up at all costs ; the
idea that we are all rolling in riches, and only work for the fun of the
thing, must be unceasingly promulgated ; the fiction that all places alike
are open to us must be religiously maintained. I think I shall go to
Gravesend.
Before going, however, allow me to present you, for the Windsor
Meeting, with
MY TIP FOR THE CASTLE WELTER.
There's just a chance
For Country Dance,
Or shall I give a Puff?
With Lady Mar, why, there you are,
If Herald 's not enough ;
To back Lord Clive I should contrive,
John Ridd is far from weak,
George Mansfield you
Will never rue-
But look to Silver streak !
I'll tell you what
Though,-I should not
Be much surprised to see
Misenus in as first, to win
A pretty plum for me;
But no, my stay is in
ABBAYE,

Or else the Alpine Maid,
Though there will be
Some man, you '11 see,
Who'll find remainder paid.
The Westminster Lords' course has been livened up a little by the
meeting for Land Bill Scurry-my tip right again. On the Commons
ground, my selection for the Land Scurry absolutely romped in, in
spite of the Randolph colt getting all over the course as usual. On
Tuesday last the Irish animal Parnell was scratched out of all engage-
ments for that meeting. Great excitement on Wednesday Nobbling
of the Northampton Candidate. Good old knock-about pantomimic
English fun. Yours, etc., TROPHONIUS.

NEW LEAVES.
The Lifeboat.-The quarterly issue of this journal, published by the
National Lifeboat Institution, is a thrilling record of deeds of daring,
and details the operations carried on round our coasts for the saving of
life ; which should commend the institution to the notice of the compas-
sionate, and elicit the bequests of the benevolent.
The Antiquary has some quaint illustrations and articles of a wide
range of interest.
Science Gossip.-Full of interest for the "lovers of nature," whom it
seeks to serve.
Universal Instructor. -We take the quotation on its cover to recommend
the work : "Above all things study."
Mfacmillan has an article, "The Westminster Confession of Faith," by
the late Dean Stanley, which gives additional interest to its otherwise
valuable contents.
Household Words has a coloured frontispiece, "Just Ready." So is
the journal "just ready" for those who ought to, or wish to, buy it.
The Ladies' Gazette of Fashion.-Replete with matter of interest to
those most interested in the fashions-" The Ladies."
Scribner is as rich as usual both in art and literature.
St. Nicholas, though containing many beautiful examples of art, is
not so good throughout as it generally is.

Buyers and Sellar.
No wonder Mr. Craig Sellar was not chosen by the Scotch constituency
he wished to represent. In the neighbourhood of the modern Athens
the popular taste would naturally tend in an Attic direction, and wish to
have nothing to do with the Sellar.

Wrong in Toto!
THE total number of fish seized at Billingsgate averages about one ton
per day. This is of course a "net" total, and yet, at the same time,
a most "gross" one; we would call it a "foul" total, in fact, were it
not a "fish" one!

FUN'S CONUNDRUMS. No. 2.
HERF you have quite a family party. They're all relatives of mine (I'm a Duke). There's my niece, who sells programmes at a theatre; my brother-in-law, who
sells matches; then you have my uncle, the begging-letter.writer; a second cousin who holds horses ; another cousin who is a street preacher; my mother-in-law, the
charwoman; my nephew, the waiter; my aunt, the crossing-sweeper; my grandfather, the ostler; then another cousin, who's not so bad-looking, but she sells
reohes; and, finally, my brother, the quack. Now, what I want to know is, why all these resemble ill-told anecdotes ?-I think it must be because they are poor
relations.

1" Co COReCtSPOiuLINTS.-Ty Editor does not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or pay for Contributions. In no case will they be returned unless
accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope.

F

62

A YOUNG TIME-SERVER.
Reclor.-" AND WHY DOESN'T LITTLE TOMMY COME TO SUNDAY SCHOOL NOW, MRS. HDGE?"
Mirs. IH.-" WELL, SIR, HE ATTENDED PRETTY REGULAR UP TO WHITSUNTIDE, WHEN THE SCHOOL-TREAT WAS GIVEN; AND YOU
KNOW THEY ALLUS FALLS OFF AFTER THAT!"

A LOVER'S KNOT.
Rondeau.
A LOVER 'S not a pleasant man to meet I
He's what you hear the critics talk about,
"A man of one idea. "-Love is sweet
In actuality to him, no doubt;
But why talk of it-even in the street ?
It bores us, till we cannot help but shout
"Don't bother get away it's not a treat!
You think you are good company I-you 're out-
A lover's not I"
He imitates the slow policeman's beat
Outside her house, with pipe beneath his snout,
Upon the blind her shadow'd form to greet.
Ah I blind and bound-she's caught him like a trout!
Using to bind him to her conquering feet
A Lover's Knot.

A DESIGNING FELLOW.-Gordon Thomson, drawist of Fun's
Academy Skits." Invest a shilling in the book and see, if he isn't.

"FUN'S" HOLIDAY BOOK,
FOR
TEE SEASIDE,
ROAD, RIVER, AND RAIL.
Prose and Verse, Humorous and Sentimental. Pictures on every page.
Price One Shilling; post-free, Is. 2d.
DICK BOULIN'S FOUR-IN-HAND.
By the Author of "MY NEIGHBOUR NELLIE."
"Dick Boulin' is entirely free from vulgarity, or from aught that can be said to be
objectionable."-Public Ofinion.
"' The book opens with a capital sketch of coach travelling as it was some five-and-
twenty or thirty years ago."-Pictorial World.
"A very amusing story of old coaching times."-Reynolds's.
"FUN" OFFICE,; I53 FLEET STREET, E.C.

A Dilemma. -.______.
Two members of the softer sex --
Have won my artless young affections, --
And many doubts the heart perplex ..
When love is dragged in two directions.
I feel that either of the twain
I cannot bear the dread of losing.
To dream of wedding both were vain,
But, oh, the agony of choosing!
My Polly owns a master-mind,
And proves it in her conversation;
Accomplishments of ev'ry kind
Have made her fit for any station;
Red hair surmounts her freckled face,
Her eyes might look a little straighter,- .
But, were she lovely as a Grace,
Her intellect could not be greater.
My Lizzie mocks the sunny morn
With all the brightness of her beauty;
For ev'ry mortal ever born
To love the darling is a duty.
She ranks in all my tender dreams
Amongst the roses and the lilies;
But when she tries to talk she seems
About the silliest of sillies.

Like this to dwindle, peak, and pine," i
Is merely madness, only folly.. -4
I wonder, will the lot be mine
To "pop" to Lizzie or to Polly?
No more in doubt should I remain,
But make my choice at once for ever,
If Polly were not quite so plain,
Or Lizzie were a little clever.

Romance at Ramsgate. -
ONCE more, from whirling London glad
To flee, the poet hence repairs,
Where-how each loud consummate cad
At Angelina boldly stares .
The summer sun, the murm'ring sea,
Soothe and refresh the languid Muse;
Here could I swan-like sing-dear me I
That nasty shingle 's in my shoes!
With trim taut canvas gleaming white,
How fairy-like yon vessels glide !
The painter's eye feeds on the sight,-
"Hi! guv'nor, have a donkey-ride ? ___ _

For countless centuries the waves
Upon this ancient coast have rolled,
And still the restless ocean laves--_
"No, I don't want my fortune told."

Come, Angelina, let us seek _._-
Our resting-place. -What's this? I vow
I never knew such awful cheek;
That cat's been at the brandy now UNFEELING.

Ndellie (who is rather, a bad sailor, to her brother of the Rl. Y. C.).-" OH, HARRY, DO
WASHING BRUSHES.-Scrub-bymoustaches. TAKE ME FOR A SAIL THIS AFTERNOON."
Harry (who has a lively recollection of a formcf experience).-" CAN'T, DEAR. MADE
OTHER ARRANGEMENTS."
A BIG Moustache makes a Hair-Lip. Nellie.- How UNKIND! WHAT HAS CHANGED YOU SO? ONCE YOU WERE SO
GOOD-NATURED I "
As BROAD AS IT'S LONG.-O-Nothing, Harry.-" THAT 'S JUST IT. I WAS 'ONCE, BUT NOT TWICE!

Nominal Squeamishness. "Meet Me by Moonlight Alone."
THAT very proper old spinster who went below on being told that the It is stated that at Clifton, and several other places of fashionable
steamer was hugging the shore, having to speak of some derelict wreck- resort, moonlight concerts are being given with great success. We are glad
age on another occasion, called it "Flotsamuel and Jetsamuel." to see there is some romance left in this too too practical world, which
has hitherto associated music with "stars." We hope the idea will be
Two-wrist Arrangements for 1881. universally followed, for we can imagine nothing more jolly than listen-
BRACELETS of various patterns, in both gold and silver, will be worn ing to delightful strains (the joke that s coming is more or less strained),
this season. Hand-cuffs are also general in criminal circles, and at the same time to be allowed to nmooney about.

VOL. XXXTv.- No. 849.

FUN.

WELL BROUGHT UP.
Scene-Bow STREETr.
Old Gent (to Boy who has told him all about it).-" YOU SEEM A SHARP LAD.
WHERE WERE YOU DROUGHT UP?"
Sharp Lad.-I WAS BROUGHT UP AT THE OLD BAILEY LAST; BUT I BEEN
BROUGHT UP HERE LOTS 0' TIMES BEFORE IT WER1 SHUT UP !"

AUGUST 17, 1881.

NEW LEAVES.
"A Booke of Ye Old English Fayre," got up in truly
Old English fashion, may worthily be a help to further
the fortunes of the Chelsea Hospital for Women, in
the interests of which admirable institution the
"fayre was held, and the book prepared.
"Relton Reggs," to use the old saying, must be
read to be appreciated.
Press News, as usual, full of interest to those con-
nected with the press.
The Day of Rest.-Begin with it in the morning,
and it will serve the rest of the day.
The Leisure Hour cannot be read in the time.
Sunday at Home would serve you at home all
Sunday.
friendly Greetings greet you friendly, and what
could be better ?
Boys' Own Paper and Girls' Own Paper.-One for
each, and both equally well provided for.

Cabby at the Seaside.
A PARTY of London cabbies took an excursion the
other day to Margate and Ramsgate. The af-fare,
which was the first thing of its kind, was under the
auspices of the Cabdrivers' Benevolent Association,
and it goes without saying that it was most hansom-ly
arranged. Many of the visitors made their first ac-
quaintance with the ocean on this occasion, and ex-
pressed great curiosity about it. Being told that it was
spring-tide, they wanted to know what the springs
were like, as they had often heard of C springs, but had
never seen any, not on cabs, at least. The bathing
machines interested and amused them. They took
them for the seaside cab, but having no seat before
or behind, they were puzzled whether to rank them
as shofuls or growlers, or only cabmen's shelter.
While they were discussing this point, however, the
apparition of a bathing woman put them suddenly to
rout, amid affrighted whispers of "Prodgers I" The
waves astonished them immensely: as they came
tumbling in most of the party beat a hasty retreat, and
sought a place of (patent) safety. The shipping, too,
interested them very much, only they thought the
natives were poking their fun at them when they stated
that all the vessels in the off-ing contained cab-ins, and
usually rode at anchor with a horse-er, which made
them ply their informers with further questions. On
the whole the party spent a delightful day, and though
there may have been a few discontents among them, it
is pleasant to add that grumblers and growlers were
alike conspicuous by their absence.

THE ISLE OF THANET.
MARGATE.-As the guide-book very properly observes, Margate con-
tains "much to improve the body and mind." The bathing to begin
with is good, a daily dip during this hot weather being guaranteed in
three weeks to Krow an entirely new skin on the end of any lady's nose.
Margate also affords the student of human nature great opportunities for
improving his mind: it is instructive to watch the dear little pets sitting
side by side for hours on the jetty, only approaching sociability by
covertly casting envious glances, at intervals, at each other's snappy
dresses. The variety and number of drinks that "'Arry can consume
in the course of the day is also worth taking note of; but Margate always
was bracing. There is no doubt that Margate, for its size, contains as
many first-rate hotels as any place in England ; good dinners may be
had almost anywhere for a moderate price. Those of our Margate
readers who want a first-rate chop or steak should go to Yeoman's of
)Duke Street.
BROADSTAIRS.-"The Baby Stare" has been revived here. The
way they do it.-The eyes of the innocent little pets are opened as wide
as possible, and the mouth is screwed up as small as possible, the corners
being slightly turned down ; the effect is both fetching and charming,
at least our little friend Spifkins says so. Trawling at night is fashion-
able. The notion is to go out sailing, put the nets in the water, carefully
leaving both ends open so that the fish can swim straight through; it
entertains the fish, and is no trouble to the fishermen, and can hardly be
called cruel sport.
RAMSG;ATE. -This town abounds with visitors; the Hebrew element
is very strong, but who spend their money more freely? who are more

jolly than Jews taking a holiday? There is a story going about con-
cerning a stout elderly gentleman of Israelitish extraction (which possibly
is old, but is funny). He was sleeping the other morning peacefully at
the end of the pier, when he was half awakened by hearing the boatmen
asserting in stentorian tones that "now's the time for a sail! a sail !" Half
opening his eyes at the last shout of sail, he felt feebly in all his pockets,
then suddenly with a look of blank despair exclaimed, "A sale! a sale!
jumping Moses! and I didn't get a catalogue "
DOVER.-Dover is full, of course; it is much frequented as usual by
ladies who "doat on the millingtary," and parties who delight in gloat-
ing on their fellow-creatures' sufferings by waiting the arrival of the
Calais boat. Dover is always lively.

Some "Dont's" Worth Noting.
DON'T go to Mold if you want a dip."
Don't go to "Beer if you want a watering-place pure and simple.
Don't go to "Broad-stares" if you want a quiet-looking" resort.
Don't go to the sands of Dee if you want the Cee."
Don't go to "Deal" unless it's your turn.
Don't go to "Freshwater if you prefer salt.
Don't go to "Looe unless you have unlimited funds.
Don't go to any port unless it is strongly recommended by your wine
merchant.
Don't go to "Cowes it you are ordered a mutton diet.
Don't go to the "Scilly" Islands when the WVye's much nearer at hand.
Don't go to St. Bees unless you have some "buzziness" to transact.
Don't go to Ryde if you are resolved to take a knapsack and walk.

AUcUST 17, 1SS8. FT N 65

A PEEP
At the Severe Toil undergone by the Comic Artist in the Pursuit of Ideas.

Artist. Hastily thrusting a few things into a bag, he followed the Idea2. Saw it get into a trai to the North, and ot in too.
--- "" -- ~ '

aw its tail disappear over the summit of a Scotch mountain, ho2. But hagainold it gave him the,'at slip. This time he found it necessary o pruet mind is n a yachbit th the Cousic

Art. Breaking down with fatigue, he rustingll a followed the scent of that Idea to glacial peaks. 2. And at lengtho a train to the had run it down, it darted into. the sea at
Broadhernemarramstairs. With undaunted courage, or devoted Artist lay down on the beach to await its landing. He's lying there even now !
- - --- ,

1. Up hill and down dale, careless of fatigue in the pursuit o, duty, lie tracked the runaway Idea. He could have sworn- only we don't allow our Artists to--tat he
'a" its tail disappear over the summit of a Scotch mountain. 2. But again it gave him the slip. This time he found it necessary to ptursue it in a yaclit to various
places on the French, Dutch, and Noregian coasts.

I-III )---_-- --, __-_

i. Breaking down with fatigue he still followed the scent of that Idea to glacial peaks. 2. And at length, just~as lie had run it down, it darted into the sea at
Broadlhernemarramstairs. With undaunted courage, our devoted Artist lay down on the beach to await its landing. He's lying there even now!

66 FT

FLOATS AND FLIES.
r w HE new and original comedy-opera.bouffe,
Gibraltar, produced at the Haymarket, is by
M. Louis Varney, the composer of Les Mous-
quetaires, and in its present garb seems likely
to share the fate (English) of that not over-
lucky work. This is scarcely M. Varney's
fault, for the music is tuneful enough, if not
particularly striking; but Mr. Alfred Murray's
adaptation is decidedly dull, the feeble and
aged puns are simply trivial-though the
audience bore them with exemplary fortitude
on the occasion of the "dress rehearsal"
-and the plot, if there is a plot, is so
shadowy and incomprehensible that the at-
tempt to follow it is relinquished at a very early
) stage, not because of any intricacy it possesses,
but from the difficulty experienced in discover-
ing its whereabouts. It is right to say, how-
ever, that the songs are fairly well written.
There is a flash of fun in the green-room
scene in the last act (the scene altogether is
pretty good), where manager and actors (me-
taphorically) bow down before a fierce dra-
matic critic (neatly played by Mr. E. Smedley)
and endeavour to appease him with private
boxes and other blandishments. The scene is so true to nature that
everybody will recognize it (especially those who have never seen a
critic, or a manager, or an actor in
private life). Why, bless you! all I
the managers are afraid of us, and )
we all sell our opinions at so many I i
boxes or stall san opinion,-well
known fact. ----,
Every credit is due to Mr. C.
Francis for the way in which the
piece is put on the stage, the dresses
are tasteful and brilliant, the scenery
good-note that the green-room is
really green, by the way, another ,
touch of nature-and the promi-
nent members of the company ex-
cellent, though they have a rather
hard struggle of it.

Miss Thorne plays with spirit and ,
effect as Rose, "the Queen of the
Markets ;" and Mr. John Howson
is very funny in his manner, make-
up, and delivery, as Major Gibraltar.
Miss Minnie Marshall is pleasing as
La Normande, who to all appear-
ance suddenly takes to the stage-or THE HAvMAnRKET.-Bilss TIORNE AS
has she been an actress all the time ROSE PLANCHON-NO ROSE WITH-
and artfully concealing the fact ? OUT A TibonN.
At any rate, we find her among the "'professionals" in the last act,
singing a merry song in a very
practised manner. Miss Kathleen
Corri and M. Loredan bring good
.- singing powers to bear upon the
parts of Stella and Pierre respec-
/ tively. Mr. GCathorne does his
best with the Parisian Exquisite"
entrusted to him, and Miss Rose
Dord appears as a young lady so
anxious for matrimony that she
goes about ready dressed for the
part. An incidental divertissement
is well danced by the Misses Topsy
and Annie Elliott, Georgie Wright
and Lillie Lee.

S Engineering, a two-act comedy,
by Mr. Arthur Matthison, is un-
/' '" declined as in rehearsal and may
b 7, be looked upon as (engine) near-
ming production.
The Lyceum will be opened dur-
TinE HAYVMARKIT.A FLoiER OF TH ng October and November for
BALLET, TIE ELLIOT-TROPE.' Italian Opera at theatre prices,

* Trope, from troius, trofos, a turn.-NESTOR. [Oh, I say /-ED. FUN.]

IN.

AUGUST 17, I881.

by Mr. S. Hayes-at least, rumour S.-Hayes so-and Mr. Hayes has
gone to Paris to engage artists; whether the enterprise will be a success
or not is one of those Mr. Hayes that time alone can unravel, but I
should say it has a good chance.

TuE HAY.MARKET.-MINNIE SINGING IN A MINNIE-SING ATTITUDE,
AND MISS CORRI JOINING IN THE COsRI-US.

I am told that Messrs. Liberty's decorations of the Floral Hall and
Covent Garden Theatre, in connection with the Promenade Concerts, are
very affective, being both novel and beautiful. Japanese lanterns and
electric light is a well-thought-of combination, and what with the deco-
rations and the permission to
smoke, the Floral Hall should be
rechristened Liberty Hall.

Speaking of Promenade Con-
certs, those at Hengler's Cirque
should not be overlooked. Mes-
dames Ilma di Murska and Mary
Cummings have sung there dur-
ing the week, and when I meet
any one who hasn't been, I can
never help exclaiming, "Dear
me, that's 'engler too 1"

Les Cloches de Corneville will
reappear at its old quarters, the
Globe, next month, this time
under the management of Mr.
John Hislop; there is even a talk
of Mr. Shiel Barry in his original
part, which Shiel Barry likely
substantiate; but "there's many
Hislop twixtt the cup and the
lip," if you know what I mean.

I hear Mr. Harris has brought
his Youth before the public in a
striking manner-he has visited "ExQuiiTE" MO ANTD DRAWN AN
prisons, dockyards, &c., &c.,
gaining data for his scenes, serving in Afghan, among other things
(I dare say), so that the "Battle at Hawk's Point" might be exactly
like the real thing ; but there must be a great waste of ammunition in
the real thing if they don't kill more men with all that firing.
Two new pieces are to be produced next Saturday; Claude Duval,
by Messrs. Stephens and Solomon at the Olympic,-where I hope he
may du val,-and Sedgemoor, by Messrs. W. G. and F. C. Wills, at the
New Sadler's Wells-where Miss Marriott has reigned since Monday,
and if all concerned don't make the new piece a success, it won't be
for want of Wills, at any rate. NESTOR.

Silence!
DEVONIANS are very garrulous, we know; but it has remained for a
London visitor to discover, and, alas to inform us, that it is at Torquay
the natives are most Torquay-tive !"

Now we 're Buzzy!
WE read in the guides that visitors to St. Bees may always go rom
the station to the town in a fly. But if we went to St. Bees we should
expect to go up in a 'buz, of course!

F'TNU .-AucusT 17 1881

- N-

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i'r ,i, i i,,

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C ~'v~'u

NEARING HOME.-THE LAST SPURT.

OC

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M1

AUGUST 17, i88i.

FUN.

OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL ON A SEASIDE SESSION.
PARLIAMENT is soon to separate, Sir-it might dissolve spontane-
ously if not shortly prorogued-and our legislators will be dispersed
for the next six months, although it is universally admitted that the
country is in urgent need of at least a score of important new laws.
Now this, I take it, is not at all right. Why should the country wait
for these needful reforms? "Oh," it is said, "you must think of the
poor M.P.s; remember how tired they are of London, and how much
in need of fresh air and change of scene," and so on and so forth !
Very well, let them have the change by all means; I don't begrudge
them that; but my notion is, Sir, that our legislators might get all they
want, and yet pass new laws just the same. I would, in fact, move them
all en masse to some convenient marine resort (how would Clack "-ton-
on-the-Sea do, I wonder ?), and then, when they were there, let the work
of legislation go on, so that the country might at least obtain some of
the desiderated new laws without waiting till next summer for them.
But such a plan would be cruelly unfair on our M.P.s, you may
perhaps object, Sir. It would be unreasonable to keep them on the
treadmill of legislation any longer, you may urge, &c., &c. Stay a
moment, though, and you will alter your mind, I fancy.
Let me explain, then, that my marine Parliament would be carried on
on very different conditions to the ordinary sittings at Stephen's There
would be no "standing" orders, for instance, down at the sea, only sit-
ting, and lounging, and lying orders. Why, a Member would be allowed
to bring in a Bill on his back on the beach if he pleased, so long as the
Speaker was lolling near enough to hear him, and there was a sufficient
quorum of Members dozing around.
And on very hot afternoons the "lolling" orders might be suspended,
and the "House" might adjourn bodily into the sea and continue the
debate there. Don't tell me, Sir, that the Members would find this
kind of dolce far niente law-making a bore Why, I believe they would
positively enjoy it, for it would tend to prevent that terrible ennui which
now sends so many M.P.s wandering vaguely over the face of the earth
during the long weary months of the recess.
It would be well, I think, for some secluded watering-place to be
chosen, so that our legislators might be pretty well left to themselves.
And before the House left London I would suggest the passing of a
small Act making it a penal offence to run excursion trains to their place
of marine retirement, and arranging any other little constitutional matters
that might require adjustment. That done, our jaded M.P.s might hasten
away to the sea and have a week or two's entire rest, whilst their Speaker,
who would dress in flannels and twills even when technically "in the
chair," drew up a code of regulations for their Seaside Session.
No late hours would be allowed, of course; whilst Obstructionists
would be promptly ducked. But I do not think, Sir, there would be a
single attempt at obstruction, but that even the Wartons and the Biggars
would be amenable to the softening influences of sky and sea. You may
be sure, too, there would be no Questions asked for mere asking's
sake, and that no speaker would trouble to say more than was absolutely
necessary; especially as I should suggest that there should be no marine
equivalent for the "Press Gallery."
But given a glorious day, with bright sky, brisk sea, and soft air,
I can imagine the House, having had its morning swim and ride or row,
foregathering at its usual place, or lounging on the beach, doing some
really excellent legislative work over the contemplative cigarette.
Our M.P.s' brains would be clear and fresh; a foul gas-laden atmo-
spere, breathed late into the night, would no longer exert its enervating
and demoralizing effect; but healthy minds in healthy bodies would
come to the consideration of the various Bills under the most favourable
circumstances.
There should be an inexorable rule against working after dinner.
The gloaming should be given up to recreation and social amenities.
Lord Randolph Churchill could row the Premier out to the adjacent
headland; Mr. Warton could challenge Sir William Harcourt to a
donkey-race; Mr. Ashmead-Bartlett and Sir Charles Dilke might
wander away in the dusk, and talk over perfidious Russia's schemes as
they knocked the wary limpet from its rock ; whilst Sir Drummond
Wolff and Mr. Labouchere might even forget there was a Bradlaugh, as
they netted the timorous tiny shrimp in their wild old-boyish glee.
Come, come, Sir, don't you begin to see there is something in my
notion now ?

A Bit of "Whit-by" Jove.
WHITBY is, of course, famous for its jet; but those who have not
visited it will be scarcely prepared to hear that this natural production
so permeates the town and neighbourhood, that even the pier is of a
decidedly "jetty" type. It is unlucky, too, when an inhabitant looks
black at you, for "looking black is the local equivalent for the et.
tatura" or evil eye of the Italians.

THE COWES WEEK.-You don't say so! Then why not administer
them a condition ball apiece, or call in a vet. ?

CHORUS OF "JUVENILES."

JUVENILES IN THEIR PINETS.
Manya dashing young spark, aping a society drawl, and possessing a few well-cut
suits of clothes, may obtain Ius ten guineas (they always ask guineas) or more in a week,
as a representative of what is called Society Drama. -M'r. Irvihne at the Theatrical
Fund Dinner.
No dandy frequenting the parks
His English more lazily slurs
(You '11 find from our marks we're the dashing young sparks "
To whom Mr. Irving refers);
Our talent is possibly small,
Experience limited, but
We have what they call "a society drawl,
And clothes of an elegant cut."
"Through the mill" (though we've thriven-or throve)
We've never been driven-or drove,
But (this is the oddest), though dreadfully modest,
We go in for guineas, by Jove !
With two-buttoned gloves we're gant';
We've glossy and curly-brimmed hats;
And notice you may our bottines by Pinet,
Our well-fitting trousers and "spats."
But this is the best of it all:
Our clothes are all-powerful, but
We add what they call "a society drawl"
To clothes of an elegant cut.
And does it not clearly behove
What's vulgarly known as "a cove"
(While hats are so glossy and fellows so "dossy")
To go in for guineas, by Jove I
We're rather inclined to be "grand,"
And put on the airs of a "star; "
We strut in the Strand, and we 've clubs (bless you 1), and
We 're great at the Gaiety bar.
But hear, Mr. Irving, our call
(We trust it attention secures),
Pray why should you fall with such weight on our drawl ?
We never have bothered with yours.
And nought of supply ever throve,
Demand from the field being drove,
And as long as they offer them out of the coffer
We '11 go in for guineas, by Jove I

The Man of Men.
FROM Bavaria comes an account of the wonderful doings of Xavier
Semmelmann, we suppose the strongest man in the world, who is credited
with having raised a blacksmith's anvil weighing 4 cwt. twelve inches
from the ground with one finger. The funny thing about him, however,
is that last year at the solicitations of his family he commenced exhibit-
ing himself in public, and went on a starring tour; but some dexterous
thieves having robbed him of all his personal property, he resolved never
again to quit his native town. It does seem awfully rum that so strong
a man should be so weak-minded, and a great pity that he should have
decided never to leave his home, sweet home. Had he not have come
to this resolve he might have been engaged by the House of Commons
to resist the entry of Mr. Bradlaugh, who, by this means, would have
been more put out than ever!

72 FUN.

SHADE OF SIR PETER!
Oarsman.-"LUMPY, MY DEAR! NO SUCH THING. IT'S SO SMOOTH
YOU CAN SEE YOUR FACE QUITE PLAINLY-I MEAN BEAUTIFULLY-RE-
FLECTED IN THE WATER AMONGST THE BULRUSHES AND THINGS."
Fayr'i Lidve.-" AH I MY PORTRAIT TAKEN LY A WATER 'LELY,' I
SUPPOSE. WELL, THEN, I'LL COME!"

THE INTELLIGENT FOREIGNER AT
YARMOUTH.
MY DEAR MEESTARE FUNS,-I am at Yarmouse; how I get here I
sal go tell you. Very soon of ze morning last Vedinesday, I go to your
gate of Billing to see vare zey sell your fresh salt fish, your shrimp, your
pretty pairovinkles, your bait vich is vite, and your herring vich is red,
and also dead. En passant, Meestare FUNS, vich is ze most dead, ze
nail of your door or your pink-I mean red-herring ? Vell, ven I have
seen ze gate of Billing, I say to a man, "Coopare I" I say; and he tell
me his name is not Coopare. I say, Pardonnez moi, m'sieu, but you
are a portaire nest ce pas? and I am sure you are ver stout, and your
stoutanportaire is always call "coopaire." lais, m'sieu, tell me vichv ay I
shall take to catch ze esteamare. I follow his direction, vich is to follow
my nose, and, voilh! I see a great big esteamare going to start. Zare
is no time to get ze ticket. I run past ze man, I jump at ze boat, I catch
hold of ze side, zey pull me in, zen zey sing. Aftare a time it
seem to me ze rivare get vidare zan I have seen it before, and zat ve
don't get near ze pier of Pimlico, vare I desire to go. I say to von young
lady, Vat time sall ve get zare, mees?" She say, "About eight o'clock
to-night, sare." "Vat?" I say, "to Pimlico to-ngzht?" Zen zey all
say, "Crikey !" and zat a "beloke," I sink zey call me, have got on ze
Yarmnouse boat for Pimlico-zen zey sing. Soon aftare ve have passed
Gravesend, some von ask me have I seen ze Nore Light. But I not
undarestand pawfaitment, and say, "Non, mon ami, but I have seen ze
leetle dog gnaw ze livare," and he ask me at whom I am getting. Zen
he go to his pals, and zey sing.
Zey ring a bell. I ask is it ze muffins; zey say no. I say it is von
great din; zey say it is not, it is ze dinnare. I go and have dinnare.
It is a good dinnare, but it is a feesh dinnare; c'est b dire, half an hour
aftare ze feesh have it all. Vell, at last ve arrive at ze mouse of ze Yare,
vich I like bettare much zan ze Yare "of ze mouse of your howlincad. Ve
see ze Key, vare zare is also a lock. Zey get off ze boat, and zey sing.

AUGUST 17, 188i.

ON THE LAWN.
WHERE the drowsy coo of the forest dove
Murmurs low of languor and love,
Where the broad blue sky is stretched above
With fleecy cloudlets speckled ;
I love to list to the whisp'ring trees,
As they bow their respects to the passing breeze
While I lie on my back and doze at my ease,
And feel that I 'm getting freckled.
Where neither bill nor business frets,
Where the roses' scent and the mignonettes
Mix with the odour of cigarettes-
The drowsiest of drowsers,
I watch the bees o'er the flow'rets dance,
And feel too lazy to squash the ants
That gaily start to climb my pants,-
I ought to say my trousers.
And not too far from my hand is placed
A cup that's mixed to suit my taste,
And a damsel rare, whose slender waist
Seems to invite to span it;
And so in turn I sip and caress,
Though here, perhaps, I should confess
That the cup contains a trifle less
Than when I first began it.
And so we drift through the summer day,
Restfully happy, placidly gay,
Eager to chase the thought away
That summer will e'er forsake us;
Drowsy, we nod our thanks to the sun,
At peace with ourselves and every one,
Content with all, and angry with none
Save those who attempt to wake us.

Phunny Philology.
Ozone, literally eau-zone ; a genuine natural aerated wat. r
which you drink in from the atmosphere.
Iodine, from "I "Ho !" and "dine" "let us have din-
ner So derived because "iodine gives you such a won-
drous appetite.

'EYE-LET HOLES.-'Arry says the only 'eye let 'oles he
knows of are the Margate attics, for which he pays a guinea
a week and nothing to be found, not even his own cold
vittals.

Ze crowd of people catch hold of me, zey pull different vays, and say do
I vant apartments ? Next morning I go baze ; vit ze air of ze sea jai
.aim, I eat like a huntare, as you say. I valk on ze drive, vare ze goat-
chaise vit ze dear leetle children drive on ze valk ; I go on ze sand;
I admire ze pretty Engleese girl; I vatch ze niggare and he sing; I go
on ze jetty and break my valking-steeck in ze boards; I go on your
Vellington Pier; on ze sand; again to your Britannia Pier; at ze end of ze
pier zare is a crowd, zey sing. I ask vat it is. Zey say, "It's done."
But I reply, Ze singing is nevare done at zis place; or, razzare, it is
ovaredone." Zey say, "No, it is Meestare Dunn." I go lie down on
ze beach; zare is anozzare crowd; zey sing of course. I go see ze Nelson
Column; it is like, Meestare FUNS, ze story of your Extra-Especial-it is
an interesting column. I go for a sail in ze boat; I am qveer, so I call
ze sail a sell. Zey sing. Aftare dinnare I go to ze Aqvariums and ze
Assembly Rooms; I meet ze charmeeng Engleesh mees, elle valse comme
une reve. Aftare ze dancing I go out on ze beach, ze moon shine clear
in ze light blue sky, and again she dance in ze restless bosom of ze deep
blue sea. I go on ze pier ; ze crowd is still here, and zey still sing I

No Wrinkle there.
"NOTHING happens but the unexpected," says the proverb. And
how true it is If there were one place more than another at which you
would have expected to find everything correctly printed it surely was
the Printing Exhibition at the Agricultural Hall, and yet some of the
admission tickets bore this curious information: "Practical men may
obtain from this Exhibition heaps of winkles." Really this was too
fishy. We should say the managers "r" in want of a letter of recom-
mendation, though we suppose they would excuse themselves on the
ground that they overlooked their r's in being so mindful of their p's
and q's.
FOAM-MEN WORTHY OF OUR STEEL.-Touting boatmen.

A DESIRABLE SPOT.

Young Lady.-"TiHIS SEEMS TO 1E A VERY HEALTHY PART OF THE COUNTRY."
Ist Inhabitant.- "HEALTHY! THEER AIN'T A SINGLE LIVIN' PERSON 'DEAD' SINST I BIN 'ERE!
2nd I.-"NO; AN' THE VILLIGE IS NEAT AN' HANDSOME, CONSIDERING' IT'S SO PLAIN, MISS."
Istl.-"AN' THEER AIN'T A SMALLER VILLIGE IN ENGLAND AS KIN BEAT IT FUR SIZE."
2nd I.-" Ali WHIIAT MORE KIN ONY ONE WANT 'CEPT THE PRICE 0' SUMMAT TO DRINK?"

THE LAY OF THE LAST MAN.
As the Row I go parading, or through Piccadilly wading,
Or Pall Mall a-promenading, not a person do I meet;
Not a How-de-do?" from any of my friends, and they are many,
Bar the sweeper for my penny at the corner of the street.
Yes, my friends away have carted, for the Continent departed,
Or for other places started, to recuperate their nerves,
And in town there isn't one up, or is probable to run up,
For the club is being "done up," which it certainly deserves.
Still I am not melancholy, for I think it rather jolly
To be rid of friends-and folly, like the grotto "once a year ;"
And I do not think it treason to my super-written reason,
If the last man of the season out of London were to clear.
But the question where to fly to I can give me no reply to ;
I to study Bradshaw try to till I think I'm going blind,
For in each one of the places which he advertises, traces
Of the old familiar faces I assuredly should find.
I should like to try Killarney, but I'm certain to meet Varney,
Or the verdant groves of Blarney, where the Robinsons repair;
There is Scarborough, and Filey, but that little puppy Riley
Hinted something very slyly of his honeymooning there.
There is Folkestone too, and Dover, whence to France I could run over,
With the chance of Mrs. Grover and her gawky daughter Floss ;
Then the Lakes-I mean the Scottish, since the Channel's rather hottish-
But O'Bibber, who is sottish, I am bound to fall across.
There is Ilfracombe, and Lynton, which I 've often longed to squint on,
But I understood that Clinton Northern Devon meant to try ;
Then the Wye's romantic valley might my health recruit and rally,
But De Wilkins told me Sally (that 's his wife), adored the Wye.

There is Bournemouth (so caloric), and there's Leamington, near War-
wick,
And there's Stratford, so historic ; but my friends are everywhere;
There is Norfolk which the coast of't, the Great Eastern make the most
of't,-
No, I will not go to Lowestoft, for my better half is there.
As since March my way I've threaded through the empty many-headed,
And to which I am not wedded, by myself I 'd like to roam ;
But on coming to examine, of such places there's a famine,
Bar the one place that I am in, so I 'd better stay at home.

CURT COMMENTS.
MR. PARNELL having been twice suspended, the next time it will be
a case of "up goes the donkey;" or, rather, we should say, out goes the
donkey. Really there is only one place that he could fittingly represent,
and that's Bray.
An old lady named Hook utilized the meat and poultry market at
Dover last week for an odd purpose. She invited all her children and
grandchildren to tea there, and eighty-three of them were present. We
wonder some of the youngsters didn't say, "With a hook I At the
poulby market I She wants to make game of us."
At the customary presentation of fruit to the Lord Mayor from the
Fruiterers' Company, the quality was said to be exceedingly good, but
there was a considerable falling off in the quantity. We expect the
falling off has been from the trees.
Apropos of quantity, there were plenty of foreign delegates present at
St. James's Hall when the medical men met together. Fancy 2,400
foreigners What a row they must have made, because it is almost a
certainty that out of so many there would be some "quacks."
We wonder whether the gathering together of so many doctors at one
time could be regarded as an ill omen ?

HIGH G
Young, .Sw.ellinglon.-" WHAT MAKES YOU CROSS THE MOOR SO EA.IR
.Sweet Lady.-"I'M NO' CROSSING THE MOO,, SWEET GENTLEMAN.

Flotsam and Jetsam.
SEASIDE "Peri are not, as a rule, kept out of the local Pier-adise"
if they are in a position to pay twopence for admission.
Scarborough is famous for its pretty girls ; but "Red-car," it may be
presumed, is more directly associated with the "males."
Every seaport frequenter knows that ships go so many "knots" an
hour; but he is not aware, probably, whether the number depends on
the tying or the one who ties. (Of course he is not aware, for the
simple reason that the number depends on neither the tying nor the
tyer, but on the "tide."-Ed. FUN.]
If the sea encroaches on the coast, it seems to us that the thing to do
is plain. You have only to take and shore it up.
If you have your photograph taken on the beach, be sure you have
the sea as a background. Your carte will look so appropriate and well
with "sea-horses" in it, don't you see?

Looks on the Understandingless.
MALE .esthetes wear their hair long, it is well known. But young
Otto Savage perhaps furnishes an abnormal sample of this, for he wears
his hair down to the seaside I
A LITERAL MISTAKE.-Fancying the Dee-side is the sea-side.

ROAD, RIVER, AND RAIL.
Prose and Verse, Humorous and Sentimental. Pictures on every page.

Price One Shilling; post-free, Is. 2,d.
DICK BOULIN'S FOUR-IN-HAND.
By the Author of "MY NEIGHBOUR NELLIE,"
"Dick Boulin' is entirely iree from vulgarity, or from aught that can be said to be
objectionable."-Public Opinion.
The book opens with a capital sketch or coach travelling as it was some five-and-
twenty or thirty years ago."-Pictorial World.
"A very amusing story of old coaching times."-Reynolds's.
"FUN" OFFICE, 153 FLEET STREET, E.C.

-- O'er all our front the blinds are down,
-- Cousin Charlie,
That folks may think we're out of town,
Cousin Charlie.
The furniture's in Holland-brown
And I am here I it makes me frown,
waCousin Charlie;
I wear my very oldest gown,
Cousin Charlie.

-Oh, how I wish that we were rich,
Cousin Charlie!
_Oh, wouldn't I "behave as sich,"
Cousin Charlie!
/ With newest dresses I'd bewitch,
I 'd never work another stitch,
Cousin Charlie :
But life is now as black as pitch,
S Cousin Charlie.
I saw him walk across the square,
Cousin Charlie,
SkI saw him at our windows stare,
----Cousin Charlie,
We breathed the same soft summer air;
B3ut I was here, and he was there,
_Cousin Charlie;-
I wish I wasn't anywhere,
Cousin Charlie I
-I might have met him on the shore,
Cousin Charlie;
os hi I think of what has been before,
Cousin Charlie,
Of rocky cave with sandy floor,
-So cool I in which we sat of yore,
Cousin Charlie.
Oh, shall I ever see him more,
Cousin Charlie?

A note from Uncle Jack to say,
Cousin Charlie,
Iie 'll come and take us all away,
Cousin Charlie.
He's rich and can afford to pay.
I 'll go and pack without delay,
Cousin Charlie.
Were I a boy I'd shout "Ilooray I"
Cousin Charlie.

MISS-TAKEN. The cabs now rolling by to me,
Cousin Charlie,
"LOVELY! EXCLAIMED SMITH, OF A POETICAL TEMPERAMENT, TO HIS FRIEND Speak of my quickly meeting thee,
BROWN. Cousin Charlie;
"ENCHANTING !" RESPONDED BROWN. The train bell's ringing gloriously;
"They must have meant me, the bold, bad things I" wrote Miss Pecker in a subse- Ah no! 't is but the bell for tea,
quent letter to a friend. "I was the only female on the pier. Such good-looking Cousin Charlie;
fellows, too, dear !" I hear the roaring of the sea,"
[But, after all, they were only admiring the sunset. Cousin Charlie.

An H-aspirating Attempt. A Brief Dig-ression.
A VALUABLE discovery in the Furness district now enables us to make IF you wish to be really happy at the seaside, buy a wooden spade and
steel from our commonest iron ores without importing Spanish hematite. carry it about concealed up your back. By its aid you can at any time
We have, in fact, substituted a "hematition," which does just as well. enjoy your otium cum "dig."
Nor should the Spaniards complain, since to "hematite" is the sincerest
form of flattery.
1I0oW TO SECURE THE FEAST OF REASON AND A FLOW OF SOUL
THE UNPLEASANTEST SEASIDE LODGINGS. -Lodging complaints. AND "NATIVE" IIUMOUR.-Visit the Kent "Wits'-table."

VOL, XXXIV.-NO. 850.

FU7N.

Auc.rST 24, 1881.

FLOATS AND FLIES.

.. ETSY, sup-
,', r '' posed (and natu-
1 rally supposed)
I -to have been
exhausted after
running for
\V- many hundred
-" nights at the Cri-
terion, is to be
revived again, I
hear. I'm not
.7 quite sure that it

F JLiu I I point you had
i -' bet' see about it
4 yourself as soon
as possible.
A- r i ,' ,' Miss Fanny
i t IIHeywood, "of
C iT ,BE TPV A E R ,, the Crystal
r;\F AUT 10 r t 1 '-Palace English
Opera," and, if
[ remember rightly, the original exponent of Annette in the Bells, will
appear as Germaine in the revival of I.s Cleches de Cornevile at the
Globe. Some ladies are always
to be found among the belles. \

Miss Marriott is playing a
shortt season at the New Sadler's
Wells, where she opened on
Monday week with the play (4 U
called 1Elisabeth. The character
of the Virgin Queen, originally
written for Madame Ristori, is
somewhat coarsely and crudely
conceived, too much stress, as
is not unusual in your Ristorical
play, being laid on one aspect
of it: and the diction of the
translation is very poor; but the
piece, particularly the rather dra- -
matic finish to the third act,
although it is only an exhibition
of mean vulgar jealousy of his --
companions in arms on the part J
of Essex, was well received by -.' '"
the bulk of the audience. ,

EIxcept for Miss Marriott her- I '
self, who showed both force and .-- -
power, Miss Grace Edgar, who
was inoffensive, and Mr. Edgar, '
who seemed as though he might
have played if he had a chance, ,il'lll,,
the performance was as weari-
some as the dialogue, perhaps
because the dialogue was weari- NEw SADIIER'SWELLS.,-THKING'S SWORD
some. I hope to be able to say T Q (S)ORDRS.
better things of Sedgemoor, and I suspend my opinion of the company's
acting powers until then. NESTOR.

Something in a Name.
IIERR WAGNER sometimes gets strange titles for his "music of the
future." The 2annhaiiser has been performed in Germany during 1880,
seventy-nine times ; but his ardent admirers are hurt that Gvtterdim-
mering has only been produced three times. We quite understand the
cause : imagine having to roll out "Gitterddmmerung," should a lady
ask you the next morning, after hearing it overnight, what piece of
Wagner's you heard last! imagine the difficulty of getting your mouth
back to its normal condition, and rushing for smelling-salts for the lady,
who on coming-to breaks;off your engagement! No wonder Gdtterdim-.
imerung is not a favourite with the Teutons.

THE MOST UNSATISFACTORY S.x.T BATH OUT.-Being bathed in
tears.

TURF CUTTINGS; or, PADDOCK AND PARLIAMENT.
TO THE EDITOR OF "FUN."
Gravesend, last week.
SIR,-I have come here for a holiday. I said I would, and, being a
man of my word-a specimen of sturdy English integrity-I have. Now,
when you go out of town, Sir (meaning "you in a vague, dispersed
sort of sense, and not personally), it becomes necessary for you to write
to a lot of people and describe the place arrived at-I don't know why
necessary, but necessary-and if you have been to the place before, it
doesn't matter, you must write and describe it again. It is that which
compels me to tell you that Gravesend is a riverside Arcadia tempered
by shrimps-that is my description, Sir-terse, epigrammatic, and cha-
racteristic, and I don't see why I should say any more about it- so I
won't.
This brings us nice and pleasantly to the subject of my recent tips.
How you can persist, Sir, in calling me the most unsuccessful old duffer
that ever assumed authority on a subject of which I do not possess thQ
most elementary knowledge (and I hope you're proud of the sentence),
I cannot conceive, seeing how repeatedly I have proved my tips to be
faultlessly correct in the face of the strongest evidence to the contrary-
in itself an evidence of astounding ability.* For instance, take my tip
for the Brighton Cup ;|- although I gave Bonnie Doon, my letter having
gone to the post before I knew that that animal would not do the same,
my remarks on that head must go for nothing. ": We then find the winner
given thus :-" For Exeter, with meekness, he confesses to a weakness;'';"
could the Old Man be plainer? The same way with my Windsor
Castle Welter Tip : my selection scratched-what then? This then :-
"Some man you'll see who'll find remainder paid,"-and didn't the
"remainder" pay? Rather! I backed them myself, and you should just
see my purse.
And now, with a contented and equable mind, take my
TIP FOR THE EBOR HANDICAP.
OH, know ye the spot where the river all muddily
Flows with a bosom that 's reeking with craft ?
Where lie the hulks they 're repairing, all ruddily
Stained as though rusty, afore and abaft ?
Near to "the place for a happy (or jolly) day"?
Near to the Gardens of Paradise (Eaves')?
That's where the Prophet is spending his holiday-
Not all he's spending, he firmly believes.
Not there the thoughts, though, of Prophet Trophonius -
Thoughts that he's anxious to bring to your view-
Thoughts which the Prophet finds unceremonious-
They are a-taking a holiday too !
Off to the north, in the spirit (or phantom) I 'm,
By G.N.R., without paying the fare,
Where, while till Easter they wait for their pantomime,
Dwells England's only provincial Lord Mare !
Off where a minster uprises impressively,
Off on a highly enjoyable trip,
Off where the races are running successively,
Bringing us round to the one for my tip :
Dominic first, for a pin to a pinafore;
Bess that is Brown is the promising gal;
M.S., however, Igive as the winner-for
Ain't Mother Shipton a sort of a pal?
The Lords and Commons have been having a merry time of it at
Westminster with the Irish Land Scurry, disqualifying, and scratching,
and mutilating, and nobbling each other's candidates to any extent; but
you see, as I said, the Government animal won, though slightly
damaged in the struggle,-right again. Hooray !
Yours, &c., TROPIIONIUS.
Or impudence I-[ED. FUN.]
t Thank you, we prefer not taking any tip of yours whatever.- ED. FUN.]
W We heartily endorse the last portion of this sentence.-[ED. FUN.]
We do not profess to be a judge of beauty, but we can safely reply to this ques-
tion-Certainly not /-[fED. FUN.]

A Rare Chance.
IN a case of baby-farming the other day the defendant's name was
Kidd, and the inspector who found her out was called Babey! Now,
if one were a professional joker, what revels one might have over the
coincidence!
QUICK-SANDS.-Ramsgate-or at any rate they are the "fastest" we
know.

THIE NEAREST "WATERING PLACE."-The handiest drinking
fountain.

AUGUST 24, 1881. F U N 77

What care I?
SHALL I, like a love-lorn swain, --
Die because a woman's plain?' "\'\
Shall my locks grow gray with care ', /',l
Just because she dyes her hair? l ___
Be she hideous as a dream- -
Waking sick men with a scream,- -
If she look not plain to me, -
What care I how plain she be?
Shall a woman's faults inspire,
Day or night, my lips or lyre? -!
Shall her failings, countless grown,
Make me quite forget mine own ?
Though her temper bad you find
As the worst, of womankind,
If she be not cross to me,
What care I how cross she be ?
Though her station be not high, i
Shall I pine and weakly die ?j
Shall I scowl or look askance .
Though she drop an H, perchance?
Virtue makes a queenly dower,
More than rank and more than power;-
If she seem not so to me,
What care I how low she be ?

Ir is hoped that the present multiplicity of --
Liberal candidates at Edinburgh may be re- --_
moved by the selection of Mr. J. Dick Peddie
to contest the seat. In case this Peddie-cure -- .
is applied, the candidate ought certainly to be GD -- ----
in a position to stand, with the greatest facility,
and to walk over the course or run down a MUCH MORE PLEASURABLE.
rival, as may be requisite. Gan ny (to frecoczoes Child, who has just told "a whacker").-" YOU ENJOY T ELLIN
FIBS, MARY, I DO BELIEVE!"
"Rows" WITHOUT A THORN.-Going out Precocious Child.-YEs, GRANNY, I THINK I DO; BUT I ENJOY SEEING YOU SWALLOW
in a boat without being sea-sick. 'THEM A GREAT BIG BIT MORE !

OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL WITH THE GROUSE.
Glen Banshee, AMoors/lire, N.B.
TRUE as a needle to the pole, Sir, I have turned my face to the North,
and my chief grief is that you will have no opportunity of seeing me in
my kilt.* For I am doing the thing in style this year, I can tell you;
am determined to have my fling-Highland fling, in fact-and have
even gone to the expense of having a tartan made to order.
A local artist designed it-the tartan of the clan MacSpecial! and it is
simply "two-two," Sir, that's what it is-I mean, of course, that it's
two guineas a yard, for I would have such expensive colours in it.
Little Bingle, who has come down with me, says it's the sweetest thing
in tartans he ever saw, and in his slangy way called it "real jam !"
But that I would not allow. Jam, indeed why, jam suggests a three-
corner tart-an !
Talking of jam, though, I shall have the shooting of some splendid
preserves later on. They are so full, I hear, that you can pot your jams
-birds, I mean-with your eyes shut; but I anticipate. At present
little Bingle and I are on the Moors, and, like "old friend John" and
the other fellow in the song, "we tread the springy heather."
We have a gillie, too-quite the flower of the flock, who not only goes
out and helps us fill our bag, but coaches me in Highland ways in the
evenings. I think of entering for the Gaelic games; in fact, at the great
autumnal meeting of the clans at Inverness I propose to toss the caber,
and perhaps put the stone. It will all depend, though, where you put
it. I shall ask our gillie-flower about it anon.
By-the-bye, I want your advice. Jock Macfarlane-that's our treasure
-Is most anxious I should hear the pibrock sound daily, and has pro-
duced a gaunt and strong-lunged "laddie," who offers to play the bag-
pipes for us ad lib. for a comparatively small weekly wage and his
whiskey. Now, doubtless the pibrock gives a lot of local colour to a
Highland establishment; but the question is, Sir, will you pay the piper?
Hle is an "extra "of which I think I may fairly ask you to meet the expense.
It would be money well spent, too, for think what a good advertisement it
will be for the journal if I take part in the Inverness games attended
by own MacSpecial piper. Let me know your opinion, then, at once, if
Speaking of kilts reminds me of the Highland jury which, in trying a Gael for
stealing a pair of trousers, brought in-well, what do you think?-why, a verdict of
"Not kilty," because, you see, they were trews that be stole. Only my nonsense,
do you say? Not a bit of it, Sir. Quite reliable, I assure you; why, don't you see?
it mutt bte a "tret(s) stary! Falsify it, then, it you can, say L.-Y.E.-S.R.

you please, Sir, for bagpipes are in great demand just now. Jock says
the birds are very strong on the wing, and require a lot of knocking over.
Still, it is capital exercise, and by the time I have killed a couple I feel
braced up for literally anything.
I have not forgotten about that pair of stag's horns for the publishing
office window. Entire nous, I know where to put my hand on a splendid
pair, and cheap too ; but I shall try to bag an antlered monarch of the
glen myself. I 'm told it requires a lot of careful driving, though, and
you know I was never much with the ribands. A''ous vecrrons, however,
and meanwhile I by no means despair.
I am much revered by the whole local population since I sent off my first
consignment of hampers addressed to the Czar of Russia, Mr. Gladstone,
the Duke of Argyll, the Speaker of the House of Commons, and the
Sultan of Turkey I doubt if the birds will ever reach their destina-
tions, but it does not much matter if they don't ; they will have served
my purpose adm rably. The change in the demeanour of the inhabitants
since those hampers left has been, in fact, almost overwhelming. The
Free Kirk minister now addresses me as "my lord," and it is popularly
supposed that the plaid of the Mac-Special hides a king in exile at the
very least.
I almost wish, however, I had not taken to the kilt. My legs are
like war-maps, and I have caught a severe cold in my knees. Still I
bear myself as "gaely as I can, and took the floor last night as usual
for instruction in the reel. Little Bingle is immense in this ; his dancing
is reely first-class, or, to use his own vulgar term, reel jam But the
pibroch (the piper is with me for the present on approbation) sounds to
arms, and I go to meet the toothsome grouse. And, thank Heaven, as
the sportive Lord Mayor said when they told him the hare was approach-
ing, I am not afraid to meet it !
I hope you notice the joke, "couple," "brace,"-don't you see? It's the keen
mountain air; even little Bingle says a good thing by mistake sometimes.

A Nappy Dispatch.
THE Postmaster-General complains that living animals are persistently
sent through the post, in defiance of the regulations. Very well; his
department's duty is plain. It has merely to put all the live stock in a
bag by itself, and, in due course, treat it as it treats all the other mails;
that is to say, "dispatch it "

FUN.

AucUST 24, 1881.

ANOTHER THING ALTOGETHER!

r. "Look here," said the Ratepayer, "this water has impurities in it !" "Yaas," said the Water Company; "uwe can t be perfect. Of course we du our wors-
ahem !-best." 2. "I say," said the Ratepayer in the cold weather, "can't get any water; your main's frozen !" Just so," replied the Water Co.; "must put
up with little deficiencies. We of course do our best."

.li7-

"Hi, mister :" aid the Ratepayer in the hot weather, "can't get any water; your force is insufficient!" "Yeees," said the Water Co.; "can't help it. Do our best
of course." Hum," said the Law; "'Appeal to me,' eh? Well, really, yes. Very unfortunate." And it winked at the Water Co.

hi, r
"" "-"" 7 '

i" Here," ,aid the RLtepayer at pay-tie; "' I ctL'-t o i pe-tfet monev,--thi i ther battered, and some of it seems bad. Can't help it. Must plut up will.
little decln.is.. Of course I do my lbe,-- l ullo:" yelled thle Law. pro it;,ly: ; you just co01me aIo.g o' ime. I his is anti,,,-r thin ale/the c-'"

-7

---= - - -

F" U .N,-AcGUSTr 24, i88j,

L -. i

GLADSTONE'S POLICY OF POLITENESS."

I

AUGUST 24, I881.

FUN.

Fenian Nursery Rhymes.
Adapted to the Times.
THERE was a little man, and he had a little gun,
And his bullets they were made of lead, lead, lead;
lie went one night abroad, and he shot his landlord,
And he shot him right through the head, head, head.
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To fetch a barrel of powder;
They rolled it down
And shattered the town,
And never were heard of after.
There was a little man and he lived by himself,
And all the dynamite he got he put upon a shelf;
The rats and the mice they made such a strife,
And soon they blew the whole lot up, which cost him his life.
Little Jack Horner
Sat in the corner,
Eating an Irish pie;
IHe pulled out with his thumb
A queer sort of plum,
And blew himself up sky-high,
Sing a song of powder,
A pocketful quite dhry ;
Four-and-twenty explosives
In a clockwork pie ;
When the pie was opened
They went off with a bang !
Somebody was "Boycotted," and nobody will hang.

A MORNING CONCERT.
How they came to be overlooked I don't know. Perhaps it was
premeditated; indeed, from subsequent events, I am inclined to think
that it must have been; and I am tempted to add, Quite right, too."
It was the most successful morning concert of the season : or, at any
rate, one of the most successful. The Sangsters have a knack of doing
these things well; they know so many musical people, too, and seem to
be able to obtain the assistance of the biggest wigs extant at a time when
limitless gold will not purchase their services for others. (MAem. for
aphorism.-Tact is better than Gold.)
All the singing birds of their acquaintance appeared to have assembled
on the occasion. There was the eminent German baritone, Herr Durkee
Koch, who gave us Offenbach's "Cobble, Cobble," magnificently (he
pronounced it "Gobble, Gobble," with much effect); then there was
young Lark, the tenor, who sang "Let me lark a soldier fall ;" and
Mile. Philly Mell, the lovely cantatrice. Everybody was there. Little
Wren was there, and old Heron, and E. Mew, Esq.
And the Storks were there-Mr. and Mrs. Stork.
Oh, yes, the Storks were there, and they seemed to enjoy themselves
pretty well up to a certain time-about the middle of the second part, I
think. I won't commit myself to any explicit statement on the point-
I won't assert that it was before the middle or after the middle; I simply
say it was about the middle. About that time they began to look solemn,
having previously been smiling rather extensively. Then they fidgeted
in their seats, and looked doubtfully apprehensive at each other several
times. Presently they began talking together in agitated whispers, and
finally they settled themselves in an attitude of determination, which
they retained during the remainder of the song then proceeding.
When it was finished, they rose and made their way up the room
rapidly.
Everybody sat perfectly still with s surprise, and stared at the un-
expected proceeding. Only for a moment, though. The road the
Storks were taking led direct to the piano, and Stork himself was seen
to be carrying a piece of music.
The news spread like wildfire. The Storks had evidently been
overlooked ; they were not going to be asked to sing, so they had put a
bold front on the matter, and were going to sing by main force.
The way people began to remember appointments elsewhere was
startling.
The room emptied rapidly; but, without noticing this, the Storks
continued their way until they reached the goal, and Mrs. Stork seated
herself at the instrument, while Stork arranged the music. By this
time, except a few relatives of the Storks, myself, and little Wren (who
had been about to give his clever Wrendering of "Won't you tell me
why, Robin? but was struck into open-mouthed astonishment by the
affair), all the guests had departed. Then the Storks began to sing. I
didn't hear the end of that song-I don't think I heard more than two
lines, the latter part of which sounded rather faint in the distance ; but
-there-don't let us STORK about it !

Down by the Sea.

-For Music (if you like).

OWN by the sea
---I(- Come, come with me.
S Bustle at terminus
(Luggage wedged firm in us);
Journey-the end of it
Luggage-heaps send of it
On to the lodging-house
__ v (Often a dodging-house);
"F1 Tea-pint of shrimps iat it;
(Q 1 Sea-get a glimpse at it;
'Ii On the Marine Parade
\ \ We must be seen parade;
Ladies ecstatical
i- Costumes prismatical;
iSea calm and beautiful.
:- \ Docile and dutiful
1 Come, come with me
Down by the sea.

NEW LEAVES.
"Suggestions in Design," by John Leighton, F. S.A., with descriptive
letterpress by James R. Colling, F.R.I.B.A. London : Blackie and
Son.-To all who are engaged in the prosecution of either study or
practice in the decorative arts, or in the production of art workmanship
where the "decorative is capable of application, this work ought to be
invaluable. The almost inexhaustible information and innumerable
examples it contains of how to reduce principles to practice ; its wide
range of subject, embracing every branch of art and manufacture where
originality, ingenuity, or acquired skill can be brought into play, make
it universal in its usefulness. Indicating as it does so plainly to the in-
ventive mind how to direct its energies, and to the operator or workman
how to carry design to successful execution, it naturally becomes price-
less as a book of education, and of reference for inventor or manufacturer,
student or workman, in the entire range of decorative art,

A No-Tory-ous Locality.
"TORY Island," said the President of the Board of Trade the other
evening, "will have its lighthouse illuminated with gas next spring."
The determination of a Liberal Government to prevent any one coming
to grief on "Tory" Island is quite intelligible. It doubtless considers
too much light cannot be thrown on such a coast. There are those
dangerous "Financial Straits" to be guarded against, for instance; and
the promon-Tories (seemingly a contraction of "prominent Tories"),
against which Governments have been wrecked ere now. Quicksands of
extravagance and shoals of deficit may also be looked out for; whilst the
newly developed Protection rocks, which had been left out of the political
chart, are again assuming dangerous proportions. Altogether a strong
light is clearly needed on this Tory Island; by which, by-the-bye, many
people think Mr. Chamberlain must have meant Cyprus!

LIVING ON THE FAT OF THE LAND.-Eating "plum-p" pie.

2 FUN. AUGUST 24, 881.

CAUGHT NAPPING.
In the division taken on Sir Stafford Northcote's amendment to the 7th Clause, a
member of the Government was discovered fast asleep in the Opposition lobby.
Great pains were taken not to disturb him till the doors were locked, after which he
was obliged to give his vote against his colleagues and party.-Daio, Paper.
SHE Session was long, and
the sitting was late,
And the Member was
dreadfully sleepy,-
/..1 k His limbs in a twitching
electrical state,
And his back undeniably
"creepy.-
S"While Gladstone is argu-
i \^ ing grimly," he said,
S 7-- "e And Parnell is bestrid-
ing his hobby,
I can't get a wink, and I
can't go to bed,
SSo I'll just take a nap
in the lobby."

Now, if that M.P. (the
Conservatives' foe)
H ad been more wide-
awake in condition,
If e wouldn't have chosen the lobby, you know,
Of Her Majesty's great Opposition;
To the coziest corner he wouldn't have crept,
And-the statement I make with decision-
I Ie wouldn't have placidly slumbered and slept
While the bell rang aloud for Division."
(Piano) Still, when his opponents discovered him thus
(Though revenge they might freely have fed it),
They followed a course, without arrogant fuss,
Which must ever redound to their credit;
For, though he was in the minority there-
And they greatly excelled him in numbers-
And though party feeling runs high, you're aware,
They respected the enemy's slumbers.
They even endeavoured to temper the "rush,"
They were careful he shouldn't be jolted,
They kept themselves quiet with Softly!" and "Hush !"
(T',,;/) Till the doors were all carefully bolted !
Put then they awoke him, and all of them burst
(/l tissimo) Into laughter, enraptured and hearty,
And capered with glee thus to see him coerst
Into voting against his own party 1
Now, MORAL (the which the narrator he draws
From the tale which you've now in possession),
Don't sit up so late reconstructing the laws ;
Don't get sleepy, don't lengthen the session;
Don't run from your Premier's figures and facts,
Nor Parnell his absurdities capping;
Don't rest in a lobby, however it attracts,
And do not (above all) be caught napping."

Our Hard-up Contributor
LooKS to us very much as if he were on his last legs. There is no doubt
the sight of so many cab-loads of people passing his door every day on
their way to the seaside has been too much for him, and we fancy he is, as
it were, hitting out at random in sheer desperation. The capital ideas
which he has of late professed to send us have only been so in the sense
that capital" would be required to start any of them. His latest mania
is for forming companies; and though we admit, when sober, he is very
good company himself (his lie-ability is unlimited), we cannot say the
same for the concerns he wants to float, for we doubt if things would go
on at all swimmingly. We are almost ashamed to put his latest sugges-
tion in print, but as, of course, it is within the bounds of possibility that
there are people who might like to avail themselves of his offer, we will
chance it.
He commences by telling us (what we already knew) that from cir-
cumstances over which he might have had some control, but didn't, he
has had a most marvellous experience of pawnbrokers, that he knows
where the best places are for getting advances on every description of
property from a flat iron to a tiara of diamonds, and he wishes to offer
his services to any timid, modest people, who, never having gone through
the humiliating scene of an interview with their Uncle, are suffering pri-
vation from not having the courage to pop in.
For once we believe Our Hard-up Contributor has not over-stated his
abilities, and we think he is thoroughly truthful when he guarantees to
any who may trust him with a commission of this nature that he will get
for them the very highest prices.

The End of the Struggle.
Air:-BONNIE DUNDEE,
To the Lords in Committee
'Twas Salisbury spoke:
"Ere this Bill can go down
There's its back to be broke.
And lest each puny vassal
Our equal we'd see,
We must back up the landlord,"
Said Earl Salisburee.
So they tinkered it up on a genial plan,
And caused all the losses to fall on the "man,"
Giving masters support with a brotherly glee,
"Now I think we have done it," said Earl Salisburee.
But the Commons received it,
And cried without fear,
"If they've landlords up there,
We have tenants down here."
And they sent the Bill back
"As before," in the main,
But the Lords only took
And returned it again.
So they sent the Bill up, and they sent the Bill down,
Till people they all regarded the game with a frown.
"If this thing continues we 're done for, I see,
We'll have to surrender," said Lord Salisburee.
So he made a big speech,
And relinquished the fight,
And Her Majesty's Ministers
Took it polite;
And the Bill which has cost us
Such oceans of jaw,
Why, Her Majesty signed it,
And now it is law.
To sum the thing up, let us hope while we can
That Ireland will look with respect on the plan;
And learn that old England her best friend will be,
Though it isn't the hope of the Earl Salisburee.

What's in a Name?
MR. JOHN ROUSE, of Leamington, ran up to London the other day,
leaving his wife and children at home with a lodger. On his return he
found his house, and that was all-Mrs. Rouse, the lodger, children,
and furniture, having decamped to Leicester. The Bench committed
the lodger for trial for stealing the furniture, leaving it to his conscience
to convict him of stealing the wife. The man who could perpetrate
such a wholesale thing as to bolt with a family and houseful of furni-
ture cannot be much troubled in the matter of conscience. To call it
by such a name is simply unnecessary courtesy.

S? Teaching the Grandmother
to Suck Eggs.
THE kind old lady said, "Ah,
my dear, I 'm pleased you have
shown me how to do it. I used to
Know when I was as young as you.
Some one perhaps will be kind enough
to teach you when you are as old as I.
By that time you may have forgotten.
At my age people forget a great deal
that they knew in their youth ; but it
is 'never too late to learn.'"

"No Returns."
WHEN you have lost time, it is no use offering a reward for its return;
no one can "bring it back."

HOLDING THE MIRROR UP TO NATURE.-Seeing life through a
glass (wine or tumbler) darkly.

"PAST RECOVERY."-The half-hour that woman spent at the bar
of Bow Street Police Court will not be advertised for as lost time."

AUGUST 24, I881.

FUXN.

PAST AND PRESENT,
BY A SEPTUAGENARIAN,

'T is fifty long years, I vow, my child,
Yes, fifty long years ago,
Since your sweet grandmamma
Met your dear grandpapa;
And her hair was in curls on her brow, my child,
The same as it is on yours now.
'T is thirty long years ago, my child, .1
Ah thirty long years, I vow; ,
Her form was less trim,
Her bright eyes were dim,
And around them the feet of the crow, my child ; -
Her locks were as white as the snow. -.
I loved her much better like that, my child, / \
Some thirty years ago; ",
Ay, three times as well
As when she was belle
Of each party and ball she was at, my child;
-Though later in life she grew fat.
I see her again in your form, my child,
As fifty long years ago:
With her sleeves in puffs,
With feathers and ruffs
Like the peacock remarkably vain, my child,
I see it with grief and with pain.
She cost me a great deal in dress, my child,
Those fifty long years ago;
Her milliner's bills,
For flounces and frills,
Got your grandpapa into a mess, my child;
The fact I am free to confess.
A flirty and forward young thing, my child,
Those fifty long years ago;
And I fear you will grow
Like your grandma, you know,
And your husband much misery bring, my child,
When bound by a slender gold ring.
In the present I look at the past, my child,
Of fifty long years ago,
And confess that I can
Only pity the man
Whose life with your own will be cast, my child-
I wonder how long it will last?
There's one little secret I '11 speak, my child,
Of fifty long years ago :
Grandmamma, as a wife,
Was the plague of my life,
And we quarrelled like Trojan and Greek, mychild.
I think I was rather too meek.
Your dear grandmamma, youmust know, my child,
Just fifty long years ago,
Was as pert as you are;
But your dear grandmamma
Went where all of us one day must go, my child,
About twenty long years ago...

CURT COMMENTS.
A WOMAN named Sharp, charged with attempted suicide by means of
white precipitate powder, pleaded, as an excuse, that she had been
greatly upset by her daughter's conduct. Silly woman She might
have known that such precipitate behaviour would only more upset her.
The weather of the week ending I3th August was a decided damper
to all outdoor gatherings. The Conservative filte at Northampton,
however, was successful, for the chilling elements, or rather the absence
of heat, was compensated for by the extreme warmth of the speakers.
Mr. Frank Holl's portrait of Lord Holmesdale, the gift of the Kentish
Liberals to Lady Holmesdale, was presented to that lady amidst much
enthusiasm. The picture was in recognition of twenty-one years' political
service, previous to her husband's elevation to the peerage as Baron
Amherst; so, in one sense, it was anything but baron honour.
The opposition Fish Banquet to the members of the Opposition, started
this year, for the first time, by Baron Worms, is henceforth to be a
political institution. The eternal fitness of things is especially apparent
in associating Worms and ish.

Gladstone at Greenwich.
THE annual Ministerial White-
bait Dinner this year, at the Trafalgar
at Greenwich, was exceptionally in-
teresting, on account of the presen-
tation to the Premier of a handsome
carved oak chair; the idea in the
gift being that the good people of
Greenwich wished their old repre-
sentative to understand they would
always find him a seat there. On
rising to respond, it goes without
saying, Mr. Gladstone "rose to the
occasion," and assured his hearers
that he was quite overcome by their
Liberal behaiiour. He had never
been chary in the matter of speaking.
(Cheers.) It would be no novelty
to him "to take the chair ;" at the
same time, if they would send it
home for him he thought it would
be preferable, as he feared it would
be too much for him to carry. They
must excuse him not making a long
speech, as dinner was on the table,
and he knew that they preferred
after-dinner oratory. They were
quite right if they believed that he
never intended "to sing small," but
on the present occasion it would
not be out of place if he were to
warble "In this Old Chair."
(Tremendous cheering, and the
attempted singing of "For he 's a
jolly good fellow," which was sup-
pressed by the Premier insisting
that the question before the meeting
-dinner-was one of "Urgency.")

A Burning Shame.
THE Irish are a nice nation. A
party of armed men lately visited
a farmer named Michael Keegan,
whom they stabbed three times, and
then drew him across a fire, simply
because he had been mowing a
meadow-field for a neighbour whose
conduct had not been quite approved
of The man who was maltreated,
you see, had done nothing wrong
himself, and the offender's conduct
had only been such that it wasn't
quite approved of, and yet for this
they stab and burn. It seems fit
that the whole of the British Consti-
tution should be expending its brain
and energy to make things nice for
these loves of people.

A COMMON THEATRICAL PARA-
DOX.-Hearing "Pro.s" in blank
verse.

Sporting Remarks.
SOME apparently great guns on inspection turn out to be only small
bores.
Some guns don't go off very well.
Guns that don't go off well are frequently converted into breech-
loaders ; so are girls-breach of promise loaders.
Minerva's bird is a great favourite with sporting dogs when in trouble:
if you shoot one of the latter by accident, you will always find him by
an 'owl!
Pheasants, blackcock, partridges, hares, &c., are very courageous-
they always die game.
You may consider yourself dux in sporting matters, and yet, after all,
only be among the quax.
A runaway horse is often caught in the rein-so is a sportsman.
A sportsman caught in the rain is sure of a good ducking-the un-
successful one is also certain of a good goosing."
Never go shooting without plenty of ammunition-some carry it in a
flask, but many use a pocket pistol,

9t To CORRHSPONDXrNTS-TAe Editor dees not bind himself to acknaowlede-e, return, or fpay for Contributions. In no ease will they be returned unless
accompanied bV a stamifed and directed envelope.

84 FUN. AU;UST 24, 1s88i.

METROPOLITAN POLICE COURT.
A owerfid-lookmng Labourer standing in prisoner's dock. Wife of same, in witness-box, charging him with cruelty and laziness.
Afagistrate (to Witness).-" WHAT IS YOUR OCCUPATION?" Witness.-" II' A LAUNDRESS, YER 'ONOUR'S WURSHIP."
1agistrate.-" WHAT IS YOUR HUSBAND?"
Witness.-" SHURE AN' HE'S DONE NO WORK AT ALL AT ALL THIS TWINTY YEARS, YER WURSHIP I "
Prisoner.-" SHE LIES, YER WURSHIP. IT'S ONLY TIN YEARS AGO SINCE I DONE ANNY WORK!"

A "Tip"-ical Charity.
THE Cigar-Tip Collecting Association has just held its annual meeting
at Berlin, and announces that 25,475 marks have been realized during
the year, and devoted to various philanthropic objects. It is indeed
marvellous what great results have been achieved, seeing how small and
trivial are the "ends" the society has in view. The devotion of the
greater part of the receipts to the rescue of friendless children from lives
of crime is, however, most appropriate. Pieces of various "brands"
which have not been burned, i.e., smoked, are in fact made to furnish
the means of plucking a large number of human "brands from the
burning."
A Pro-con-certed Arrangement.
THE irreconcilable Home Rulers, exasperated at the various points
on which the Government gave way to facilitate the passage of the Land
Bill, declare that the sitting of the House now about to close should be
known as the Con-Session' of 1881."
AN IMPARTIAL RULER ACCUSTOMED TO CONSIDER BOTH SIDES
OF A QUESTION.-A "Pro-con"-sul.

Solomon in the South.
To the "wisdom of nations" I take very
much,
And have grown a believer in sayings and
saws
Whether British or Gallic, Italian or Dutch,
Or pronounced by the aid of Peninsular
jaws.
There is one in particular, Spanish by birth,
Which appears to me matchless in many
regards.
What a balm for nine-tenths of our troubles on
earth
Is the proverb of "Patience, and shuffle the
cards! "

At your side, when the game of this life was
begun,
You had Faith with her whispers and Hope
with her smile;
But the Destinies willed-and their will must
be done-
That your brow should be marked with de-
feat for a while.
Never fear; better fortune to-morrow shall
--bring,
-.Which the Demon of Chance in his malice
retards
And a bright ray of comfort and solace may
spring
From the proverb of "Patience, and shuffle
the cards I"
Pray remember, good friend, that you grieve
not alone,
Like a wretch set apart from the rest of
mankind;
We are most of us bullied by cares of our
own,
S But we take as restoratives all we can find.
There exists not the being completely for-
lorn;-
S Even 1, the most morbid and bilious of
bards,
Have a refuge and shelter from popular scorn
In the proverb of "Patience, and shuffle the
cards! "

Summer.
WHEN warmly glows the noontide heat,
And lazy zephyrs lightly blow
O'er meadows where the lambkins bleat,
And '"daisies pied" and sorrel grow;
_And cool the rippling waters flow;
We think not then of Autumn gray
When warmth and Summer pass away.

The sunny days of hope and youth
Seemed that they could never fade;
ED -- So bright the world appeared, in sooth,
We faced its turmoil undismayed;
AT THE SEA-SIDE. Nor knew the truth-great hope, great ruth,
Stu lffes.-" YES, MY DEAR FELLOW, I ASSURE YOU THAT I SWAM OUT THREE MILES The brighter sun the deeper shade;
YESTERDAY. I THEN DIVED FIFTY FEET, AND STRUCK MY HEAD AGAINST A SUNKEN And thought not then of Autumn gray,
ROCK. I FLOATED ABOUT IN ALMOST AN INSENSIBLE STATE FOR THREE HOURS, When youth and Summer pass away.
WHEN I CAME ACROSS AN OLD SCULL, WHICH I HUNG ON TO FOR TEN HOURS. I
WAS PICKED UP OFF DOVER SIMPLY COVERED WITH JELLY-FISH. BUT I'M AFRAID
YOU DON'T SEEM INTERESTED BY MY STORY." A HORRID WRETCH WHO DESERVES THE
Waggles.-" QUITE THE REVERSE, DEAR BOY. I AM VERY MUCH SO. TO TELL "CAT."-The man who beats his wife-at
YOU THE TRUTH, I'M A BIT OF A LIAR MYSELF chess.

To Revisionists. Medical Note.
IT has often been matter for surprise and conjecture that Cxsar's last THE colour of health should be tolerably evenly spread over a man's
words on gazing On the most perfidious of his assassins should have been face; it's not right when it's entirely concentrated in his nose-at least,
so mild and free from passion. ''Et tu, BruteV" seems hardly to express that's Sir William Jenner's opinion.
the intense scorn and animosity the dying Emperor must have felt on the
occasion. But how if the proper reading should prove to be "(I) 'ate
you, Brute"?-The hint may be of value to some future compiler of THE MOST UNPLEASANT PORTRAIT A MAN CAN HAVE TAKEN OF A
Roman history. NAGGING WIFE.-A speaking likeness.

VOL. XXXIV.-NO. 851.

86 FU.TJ .

AUGUST 31, I88I.

A MOUTHFUL.
Ignorant Rustic.-" 'SCUZE ME, PARSON; BUT COULD YER
PRAY FOR SUMMUT 0' SUNDAY TO FILL THE 'UNGRY MOUTHS
0' IME AND MY WIFE AND TEN CHILDREN, SEEIN' AS I BLOWS
THE BELLUS FOR THE HORGIN; AND YOU COULD LEEVE OUT
FOR THE QUEEN AN' THE ROYAL FAMILY, AS IS PURWIDED
FUR!"

CURT COMMENTS.
THE fanatic Arab who recently murdered a Maltese and urged a holy
war at Susa, was brought before the Bey, sentenced there and then, and
hanged immediately. Evidently sharp's the word and quick's the motion
I with them. No mercy if you make a mistake there; "they'll see you
hanged first."
For taking two pennyworth of hops from the garden of a Mr. Collard
at Ramsgate, a wagonette-driver has had to pay twenty-eight shillings.
In this case, not only the plaintiff but the defendant was Collared, and
the latter decidedly caught "on the hop."
It seems that Dr. Tanner is not dead, but is in training for a go-days'
fast. We fancy the wish must have been father to the thought in this
case, for the majority, we are sure, don't care a Tanner which way it is.
Mr. A. Wise, a schoolmaster at Milton, having punished one of his
pupils, the mother of the boy attacked the master so savagely that she
has been sentenced to a fortnight's imprisonment. In one sense her act
was anything but A. Wise one.
A contemporary says, "There has been several distressing deaths
lately among young students through over-cramming." We fear that
young people are not the only ones who suffer from this complaint.
Oldsters are a great deal too fond of cramming, and when they persist
in going in for so many courses, they generally get their des(s)ert.
In the Tipferary Advocate of Saturday the 20th, there was actually an
advertisement for a Land League hairdresser. The idea! as if the Land
League's conduct had not been sufficiently barberous.

Silence in the Court.
AN Irishman named O'Phelan, charged at Bow Street with being
drunk and disorderly, and fined five shillings, thought fit to make a state-
ment which, according to the magistrate, only aggravated the offence,
and the fine was increased to seven shillings and sixpence. This not
being sufficient, some more remarks made the charge appear worse, and
before the defendant was removed the amount had reached ten shillings.
This surely ought to convince people that "a still tongue maketh a wise
head." We have often heard of a man paying through the nose, but this
is the first instance that we remember of any one having to pay through
the mouth.

WHAT branch of manufacture does a man resolve to devote himself
to when he announces his intention of being married ?-He says, "I
will make 'er mine."

OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL AT THE EDINBURGH REVIEW.
BEING in Scotland, Sir, I could not do less, I thought, ardent sports-
man though I am, than attend the much-talked-of Review of Caledonian
Volunteers at "Auld Reekie," by Her Majesty on Thursday last. Ac-
cordingly I left Glen Banshee for the Modern Athens, so called, I believe,
because the peculiar dialect spoken by the natives is like so much Greek
to the Englishmen with whom they come in contact.
I found Edinburgh in a state of, I should think, unprecedented ex.
citement, what with the election which had taken place on the Tuesday,
and the Review due on the following day.* The city swarmed with
volunteers in uniforms which had no uniformity, whilst brass bands and
bagpipers were filling the air with instrumental invocations to Scots
wha hae," whatever that may mean, to "Over the water to Charlie!"
to Weel may the keel row (a ridiculous notion, it seems to me, Sir.
Fancy a keel rowing you might as well expect a main-hatchway to
steer 1) to Up with the bonnets of Bonnie Dundee! (bonnets on our
side of the border are quite expensive enough as it is, thought I, as I
heard this), and so on and so forth.
I had some difficulty in finding a resting-place, and was just making
up my mind to ask my way to Arthur's Seat, and sit down there, when
a royal aide-de-camp I had had the pleasure of knowing in more southern
climes (the fact that Edinburgh is built on seven hills makes it a northern
"climb" of considerable difficulty for strangers, I may tell you, Sir), met
me, and said feelingly, Why, you look half dead I"
"I am Scotched,'at any rate," I replied with a grim smile, pointing
to my Highland get-up, f even if I am am not killed; whereupon the
aide very kindly conducted me to Holyrood Palace and gave me a haunted
bedroom on the second floor.
The haunting spirits,' however, had not the ghost of a chance with
me, I was far too tired to be haunted, and in the morning I awoke none
the worse for my experience, and prepared to support Her Gracious Ma-
jesty at the saluting-post. I found a number of leading Scotch volun-
teer officers in the courtyard in hot discussion as to the flag that should
be used, which they insisted should show the Scottish lion in the "first
quartering."
Bali I" said I, breaking in on them, "if you haggle about quarter-
ings,' you'll be doing things by halves next."
"Still," said a veteran Scottish laird, "our Lion ought to have his
first quarter."
"Ah!" I returned, "that is a matter of taste, of course; but our
British Lion never thinks of asking for quarter,' I can tell you! "
Soon after they resolved not to re-fight the Battle of the Standard,
and we all moved off to the reviewing-ground.
I was much impressed by the spectacle. It was quite a treat to come
across an interesting one. What especially struck me was the bearing
of the kilted regiments. The baring of their legs struck me even more.
I had also recalled to my mind that beautiful old proverb, "A friend
'in-kneed is a friend indeed I The kilt, you see, helps to show any-
thing like knock-kneesiness." Still, I shall always maintain that it
is the "knee plus ultra" of military attires. Her Majesty reviewed the
troops with her well-known critical acumen. The numerous columns
passed through the trying ordeal, caused by the severe inclemency of the
weather, with all the energy of old trained soldiers ; but unfortunately
looked like oldsold-ers as they went dripping-not tripping-to the trains.
The Royal Scotch Archers formed her body-guard. They are armed
with such long bows, that I thought at first they must be Special Cor-
respondents. In these days, however, bowmen are practically useless
in the field of battle. They couldn't say "Bow! to the greatest
goose; or, rather, they could say it, but the goose would not mind if
he had a rifle over his shoulder.
There was a big muster of bagpipers; and appropriately too, seeing
we are now enjoying the piping times of peace.
The day after the Review Her Majesty left for Balmoral, where she
will be my neighbour. Glen Banshee is not, as the crow flies, more
than a Sabbath day's journey from me; but of this more anon.
It's a very good plan, if you come to think of it, Sir, to always hold reviews and
inspections on a "following" day. There is a better chance, don't you see? of the
men following out their officer's orders properly.-Y.E.-S.R.
t A Highland "get-up," I assert, is not mere cockne tyvanity on my part, as you
suggest it. I should like to see any one "get-up" the endless hills without one.-
Y.E.-S.R.
t At an old castle in Ireland, said to be haunted, the only haunting spirits are
those made at the illicit still which is worked under cover of the ghosts. This I know
for a fact, and once when the parish priest, whose s in the secret, said to me as he
showed me over it, "What an ill-omened quiet!" I replied, with a wink. "Ay,
quite an illicit stillness in the air, isn't there?"

Reforms Wanted.
"THE Bread Reform League continues to be very active." Bravo!
What we want now is a German Sausage League,-a Bloater League,-
Veal and Ham League,-a Tripe and Onion Sauce League,-and, oh !
let me shed a tear,-a Pickled Salmon League. Hasn't it been bad at
some of the places lately ?

AUUST 31, 1881. FUN. 87

LOVE IN ABSENCE.
Air, yes, devoutly I believe
That absence makes the heart grow fonder.'
For home the banished one will grieve,
In foreign countries over yonder ;
His thoughts will oft unbidden stray,
To seek the lowly little village
Whereat his father, day by day,
Devotes the happy hours to tillage.
The lover-on a distant shore
By Fate compelled awhile to languish-
Will send epistles, o'er and o'er,
In terms expressive of his anguish.
For Time, with slow but steady flight,
Will fan the flame of recollection;
And thoughts by day or dreams by night
Revive the embers of affection.
Long prostrate on my bed of pain,
To every earthly joy a stranger,
At last I greet the world again,
A convalescent "out of danger."
My work, neglected for a time,
Is made by absence all the sweeter;
With glee I spin the pleasant rhyme,
And weave the free-and-easy metre.
What clever folks the doctors are !
My own to-day distinctly stated
That I may smoke a mild cigar,
When I am quite recuperated.
Methinks a choice Intimidad
Will fit my palate very nicely.
Since I a lonely whiff have had
It seems a century precisely.
He vaguely hints at bitter ale;
Ah me I how I should like a bottle
Of Allsopp's or of Bass's pale,
To irrigate my thirsty throttle !
The very sight of malt, perchance,
Would spur my tired imagination,
And cause my Pegasus to prance
With long-abandoned animation.
In all your life you never penned
A truer line, my Haynes, my Bayly:
Whichever way my wants may tend,
The wisdom of it haunts me daily.
My wants may oft be unsupplied,
But still upon your words I ponder,
And feel it ne'er can be denied
That "absence makes the heart grow fonder."

THE PROPER DAY TO VISIT THE DENTIST.-Tooth-day.
(Excuse the lisp.)

WHEN scorching suns my frame unnerve,
And make me loathe all feats gym-
nastic,
Mythoughts-if they the name deserve-
Are nothing if they 're not fan-tastic.
I dream of some sweet chilly spot-
A glacier with a freezing chasm-
And wake to find such things are not,
That fan-cy is a mere phan-tasm.
I would, if I could have my wish,
Become at once a thing aquatic-

A tadpole, crocodile, or fish,
For water I 'm a wild fan-atic.
Talk not to me of women fair,
Of Mabel, Helen, Madge, and Annie;
For one alone just now I care,
My own obliging Cousin Fan-ny.
So fan me, Cousin Fan-ny, fan,
Flutter your fan like wing of bantam
Oh, would I were, instead of man,
A flabby, cold, and fleshless phan-
tom !

MICK DOOLAN'S LITTLE JOKE.
IT was really very awkward and, to a certain extent, distressing; but
I don't see how it could have been avoided.
In the first place, he was thunderingly like a monkey to begin with-
Mick Doolan I 'm speaking about. That long upper lip of his-that
insignificant button of a nose-that protruding jaw, too full of teeth-
that straggling Hibernian whisker-trimming and shock of elf-locks,
made his humanity, to a superficial observer, somewhat difficult to
trace, even in his early days; but when he'd been keeper of the
Monkey-house at the Zoo for a twelvemonth or so, the difference was
scarcely perceptible. Constant association, I suppose, acting on a pre-
disposition to monkeyhood, was responsible for this intensification of
his peculiarities. He had a lot of monkey tricks, too, which added to
the similarity, till even the officials could scarcely distinguish him from
his special and particular charge-a fine baboon; and at last, what with
the actual likeness existing between the pair, and the imitative habits
of the baboon, they became absolutely undistinguishable unless Mick
spoke; and one morning when Mick was brushing his hair at the glass
the likeness had become so strong that he had to pause and indulge
in a few moments' reflection before he could be certain whether it was
himself or Joe (the baboon) whose countenance confronted him. The
circumstance suggested a practical joke to him, which he considered
rather a good one. Time, in its revolving flight (for we know that time

is revolutionary), may have caused him to change his opinion-but such
it was originally. Anyway, the joke was this : when his "relief" came
to take charge of Joe at the usual time, Mick assumed a monkey-like
abstraction, and swung himself gently to and fro on a beam with one
hand, and wouldn't speak a word all the relief could do, he
wouldn't. So the latter, who felt compelled to let somebody out, tried
to guess at the right one, and, of course, did exactly the opposite. Joe
had a fine time of it in the grounds that day and the next; and a fine
to-do there was when the mistake was discovered; they'd have punished
Mick severely, only they couldn't tell which was him. Mick enjoyed
the joke immensely ; so much so, that he repeated it ever so often ; and
it was a better joke every time, for Joe, getting used to the grounds, hid
with ever-increasing artfulness. But this was too much for the directors
to stand ; they gave orders that neither Joe nor Mick should be released
for the future. In vain Mick wept and pleaded; the practical joker fell
a victim to his own practical jocularity-a pity it isn't more frequently
the case !-for the order was rigidly carried out; and when he spoke
and advanced that as an evidence of identity, they said it was only a
dodge. Very awkward, was it not ?

Histori-histrionio.
WHEN an actress has rouged one side of her face only, what king of
England does she resemble ?-'AlJ-red.

COUSIN FAN-NY.
A FAN-CIFUL FAN-TASIA IN THE HOT WEATHER.

88 FU N. AUGUST 31, 1881.

THE MOUTH-OF-THE-THAMES CONTINENTAL TOUR AGAIN.
The Proper Way to Do It.
IMost of those fellows one known, %sho pretend they've been for a run on the Continong, don't bear pumping: they are not up in their subject.

Our iiend Filib.r managed it better. None of your preliminary brag about his "run." He sneaked away and found a quiet spot not far from LDrinygate-on the-
Bracki ii, and. assuming an effectual disguise, formed himself into a Reading Party. Then he went in for a system of Tutors, who, in addition to grounding him
practically in their several languages, posted him up in various little minutid appertaining to their several countries-little touches, sir, impossible to find in a "guide
book," and proving that a fellow muW t have been there! Here's the German Tutor-a lucky encounter!

- '- -- .
,_ .V_=

i^?: ....g
--- --11 k k ,i f

Here's another lucky encounter-the

"' ,... .-----

I' hen libber toddled down to the pier, shipped aboard a packet returning from the Continong, and-there was the very bundle he wanted, and the owner looking
the other way To undisguise was the work of an instant. Saw him coming off the boat with our own eyes He certainly has been on the Continong!" said F.'s
friends. "And lie knows all about the customs and that! Shouldn t have thought it would run toit! Must have robbed his employer." There was fame for Fibber!

F U1JN.-AuGusT 31, 188i.

THE END OF THE PLAY.-"FAREWELL.'

_______________ I

AUGUST 31, is8i. FUN. 91

FLOATS AND FLIES.
EDGEMOOR,
the new play by
Messrs. W. G.
and F. C. Wills,
produced at the
New Sadler's
Wells, is no-

phrase the great
Thomas Hood)
w-ith than two
single narratives
rolled into one."
The first two
S \ iis acts unfold an
t: interesting andy
dramatic story,
well worked
out, containing
some effective
situations, and
legitimately en-
titled to be call-
ed Sedgemoor; in the third act, however, a second story is added to the
structure, having for its centre the king's favourite, Catherine Sedley ;
from that moment the piece sadly deteriorates, the hero (a rather good
I fellow in the first story) becomes a contemptible cad, the heroine a muff
I (one of those irritating victims to a promise "not to tell," as if there
were any virtue in keeping the promise under the circumstances), and
the story straggling and wandering in its mind with no more connection
with Sedgamoor than with Rorke's Drift.

The play, already too long, is lengthened by a "flat" scene-a very
flat scene-in the fourth act (obviously to avoid the necessity of a fifth,
and so far praiseworthy), in which one of the characters, a Colonel
O'Brien, indulges in a merry ditty (assisted by his troop as chorus) con-
taining a good deal about Sweethearts," and not much about anything
else, which song, sung outside the condemned cell in which the hero is
confined, is supposed to have a soothing influence upon his mind, and
reconcile him to death-as indeed it may. Coming so late in the even-
ing, it was received by the first night audience with an amused surprise
and rewarded with a semi-satirical encore.

Miss Marriott as Lady Evelyn plays with her usual force, but the part
is too uniformly miserable; from the moment she touches the stage she
is unhappy (she has dismal "forebodings" to begin with, until the more
tangible sorrows arise), and the rendering lacks variety. Miss Marie de

NEW SADLeR'S WELLS.-MONMOUTH, DEFEATED AND DEAD BEAT, DEMANDS A
HIDING.
Grey takes some pains with a rather thankless part; but her intonation
is frequently incorrect. Mr. George Warde, as Sir Gilbert Evelyn,
"preached most of his share of the text-by the way, Sir Gilbert is
always on the point of death. At the end of the first act he is arrested on
suspicion of harbouring Monmouth, at the end of the second he is barely
saved by the ingenuity of his wife (a very telling situation), at the end of
the third he is run through in a duel, and at the end of the fourth he

just escapes being shot by the opportune arrival of William III. ; this is
rather exciting at first, but one soon gets used to this version of Evelyn's
die-ary, and becomes, so to speak, equamitous. Mr. Richard Edgar is
good as Giles, and Mr. Wood plays Father Petre with unobtrusive com-
pleteness.
The dialogue-though the offices of our familiar old friend the "prun-
ing knife are not undesirable-is generally felicitious, and in several
instances highly poetical; the scene in the Gardens of Whitehall is well
painted; and the piece, in spite of drawbacks, is undoubtedly successful
and-well-yes-deservedly successful with the audience.

The domestic drama, by Mr. G. R. Sims, shortly due at the Princess's,
is to be called The Lights o' London-let's hope it will be a "blaze of
triumph." As for the kind of "lights," we'll look for them to be
electric in their effect and with no gas about them.

Gibraltar, at the Haymarket, has not exhibited the firmness of the
rock it was named after; it has disappeared, and Madame Rose is bloom-
ing in its place. This is, however, the same piece reduced to two acts,

NEW SADLER'S WELLS.-GoING DOWN WITH HIS SWORD3-cGNTS,

in"which form I should think it would "go" much better ; therefore it
is a proceeding which there is no need for the management two acts
pardon for.
On the 1st of October the New Sadler's Wells will open under the
management of Mr. Chatterton, when The Foundlings, an adaptation
by Mr. Leopold Lewis, will be produced. Mr. Lewis, assisted by Mr.
Irving, scored a big success in The Bells-will Leopold his reputation
in this instance, I wonder ?
As Miss Ellen Terry (for no fault of her own) has been elected Goddess
of the iEsthetes, perhaps the new play upon which Mr. Tennyson is said
to be engaged (probably for the Lyceum) will be a too-too consummate
in-Tenn'son ; at any rate, you consummate up at that, or, if you choose,
deny it in too-too I -
There is a very good spectacle, interspersed with songs, at the Victoria
Music Hall, depicting the Battle of Trafalgar and the Death of Nelson,
supported by children. There are many things less worth seeing than
the scene on board the Victory at the Vic.

Claude Duval was most successfully produced at the Olympic last
week;
And I've this opinion strong enough
Of Claude Duval, Claude Duval,
That you '11 find the run is long enough
Of Claude Duval, Claude Duval.
That is written to a bit of one of the tunes I've carried away with
me," and can't get rid of at any sacrifice. More about it all next week.

Messrs. Reece and Farnie have written the English version of La
Alfascolle, to be produced at the Royalty about the end of next September.
It is translated from the French, so there is nothing in it that need a-
larm-a-Scott (though I don't know why there should be, except that I
want to make a pun). Mr. Henderson announces a strong cast, and
promises us liberal mounting and a comfortable redecorated house; and
when Mr. Henderson promises us a mounting we are certain of not being
put off with a mouse, -though I, dare say we shall not recognize the
Royalty as the same mouse.
NESTOR.

WOOL-GATHERING.
As the woollen trade's defective,
Agitation 's being made
By her Ladyship of Bective
To revivify the trade;
She considers it a pity,
And so, opening her purse,
She has started a committee
Its condition to reverse.
They, an influential cluster,
Swear to ban all foreign "stuff,"
And to wear a wool called "Lustre,"
Which has not been worn enough;
British wool will be the fashion
Workless weavers to relieve,
And my wife has great compassion,
So she says, for those who weave.
Now, I 'd not so much as question
Her compassionative fit,
Were it not for a suggestion
That's accompanying it;
And I should not be objective
Did she not a wish express
To agree with Lady Bective
Both in sentiment and dress.
Now in silk and satin raiment
Is her wardrobe most complete,-
Oh, I know it from the payment
Of the bills I have to meet;
And if she goes in for Lustre,"
I have not the slightest doubt
That she '11 want to go a buster
With a thorough new rig-out.
Oh, the times are out of socket!
Wives can organize a raid
On their wretched husbands' pocket
By pretending it's for trade,
And imagine its improvement
Can be managed by a puff l
Bah I this precious woollen movement
Is, in my opinion, "stuff!"

What a Festival!
A STRANGE teetotal party, the one that broke up the
other day full of spirits.

THE INTELLIGENT FOREIGNER AT EDINBRO'.
Cher nmon Rrdacteur,-I am like your leetle boy who vill valk on
ze grass at your Q Garden. I am ovare ze bordare. I am in your
lthene moderne, your Ole Ricky, your Edinburgh, Some von tell me
it is ze city of ze seven hills, and zat is vy you call it ze Modern Assens;
but I say to him it should be eight 'ills. And ven he demand vare is ze
eight hill, I say, "Mon ami! you close all ze publikous all ze Sunday,
voild ze greatest ill your flesh is heir to !" Mais, place aix dames.
I nevare have seen so many pretty girl as in your Edinbro'. Zey are
ravissantes, and yet zey are call "bony lassies." Sare, I vould call ze
sveet sings molasseses" Parbleu it is fine town; ze Seat of Artur is
splendide-he must have vant a seat by ze time be get to ze top. I go
down your Firt of Forse, but I no see your Firt of Fifs, maintenant. I
see your Bassrock, vare I suppose all ze pale-el is brew I go to
Momingside, but I no see aftarenoon side. Zey show me ze monu-
ment of Burns," it is nozzink so large as your monument in Londres,
vich is also to burns-zat is, to ze Great Fire of Londons. I see zeGrass
Market, ze Hay Market, and ze Salt Market; but vare is ze grass, ze
hay, and ze salt? I go to ze port below-I zink zey call it-and zen to
Newhaven ; but alzo I have a dip at Newhaven, I cannot go from zis
von to Dieppe. I have ze feesh suppare at ze Peacock, vare ze good
Madame Main tell me ze history of ze bay vare Qveen Marie land-
Madame Main, may you ver' long remain at your hotel. I go to
Rosslyn, vare I see ze loyally chapelle Gothique. But, oh! milord
Rosslyn, vy do you let your chapelle at ze sheeling each? Noblesse
oblige, milordI I go to ze Glen of Hawtornden, I sink I am in fairy-
lands. If charming Miss Jollidogue vere here I should be. Zey
show me ze Canongate in Edinbro', but I no see ze canon nor ze gate.
I see ze Tolbooze, vare zey put ze people who get tight, and hold zem
fast. Zey show me ze house of Knocks-it seem to have received a lot

of zem. I see ze Old Castle, and zey show me a vindow vare zey say
Montrose take his last leap. I say, "I suppose he break his neck, and
no vondare, if he jump zat ?" But I ask pardons ven zey explain zey
mean his last sleep.
I go to ze Grand Review. Cretait grand. Zare vas ze good Qveen and
ze loyal peoples. I say to my neighbours on ze grand stand, Zare is ze
real Heart of Midlosian undare ze Royal Estandard." I see ze London
Escotteesh in ze Escotteesh London. I see ze Royal Archares-Archare
is, as at psoms, as at Epsoms, first favoreet. I see ze Heelandares vitout ze trousare,
like our sansculottes. Some von say zey are kilt; I say not, zey are too
lively. I see ze Artillery from, I suppose, ze Canongate. I hear ze
pipe broke, I sink zey call it, and I go avay, or ze drum of my ear vould
be broken too. And I see ze rain ah not ze Qveen's reign !
But, Sare, it is Holyrood vare ze heart of un Franqais fly in Escotland,
and at Holyrood he dream of la belle Marie, Reine de la France and
Qvino/Scot. I see ze ruin of ze church vare she is ved to ze darned
Lee; and yen zey take me tro' her chamber, I zink I can hear her sveet
voice singing some chanson of zat France she love so veil. At her feet
I can ze Rizzio, who accompany her on ze guitar. Ze darned Lee sink
Rizzio accompany her too much; zare is a rush of many feets, ze clash
of sword; ze song of ze Qveen change to an scream, zat of Rizzio to a
groan; zey drag him to ze top of ze escalier, zey leave him zare in his
blood all night. It is only fancy-Mary is not zare, ze murderers
are not zare, Rizzio is not zare; but ze stain of his blood is--Zare!

Quite too Shocking I-Seeing Double!
LITTLE Boskey, on being presented with a son and heir, as a matter of
course partook of undue refreshment, and the nurse had the greatest
difficulty in persuading him it wasn't twins.

A1i(1.rrT 31, i88l.

AUGUST 31, 188i. FUN. 93

PARIS HONEYMOONS.
(A REVERIE IN THE TUILERIES.)
LET us put our two sous duly in the baggy green-baize pockets
Of the lively and luxuriant Madonna d la chaise;
Parasolled and chesnut-shaded, lest our eyes melt in their sockets,
Let us look upon the Britons honeymooning in the blaze.
'T is to them the matchless, magic Twillerees, with legends teeming,
With a story to each statue, and a blood-stain on each rose;
With a prettily improper lurid light upon it streaming
From Miss Mangnall's epic pages and from Monsieur Guizot's prose.
T is to them the heart of Paris, heart enchanted and enchanting;
A synopsis of their school days' simple Histories of France;
And they stride across the roadway, proud, impetuous, and panting,
Keen to con the old-world records with the eyes of young romance.
Stride from all those Cockney hostels, which they think so very Gallic,
By their passion and their guide-book almost equally engross'd ;
He reflecting amid French laws what a wicked one's the Salic,
And she thinking how well Charley would suit, say, Du Guesclin's
post.
Very lofty are the glances that they cast on stone and flower;
He his flower, she her hero, has attained beyond dispute;
And then sometimes there are hand-clasps in a well-bred orange bower,
And maybe he pulls his whisker, and perhaps she taps her boot.
Nathless native Pharasaism, they feel very lax and lenient,
Though the wooers on the benches rather roughly break the ice ;
And he even thinks the shadow of the Terrace quite convenient,
And she even thinks the nurses, though too forward, rather nice,
He is such a clever talker 1 And her upturned eyes are dewy
As he manfully composes an improved Bartholomew;
While the scorn is truly scathing that he pours upon the Louis
Who were often over-tender, who were very rarely true.
Ah the myriad mystic stories, how she understands their meanings
In the novel light of Paris, in the novel heat of heart 1
Tales of Love's own law absolving sometimes very lawless leanings,
Tales of Nature's one touch mending all the touching up of art.
And unconscious of the gazers, who include, perhaps, some grinners,
They pursue their primrose pathway twixtt the clipt trees, past the
pond,
Interspersing in their cooings cartes of Palais Royal dinners,
And unfettered as to spirits, though they're spirits just in bond.
Simple British brides and bridegrooms, go your happy way unheeding;
Mix your placid Peckham idylls with the legends of old Gaul ;
If your wideawakes want pruning, and your Gainsboroughs want
weeding,
If your boots are sadly homely, homely love refines it all.
And you '11 go back to the homesteads, to the rectories, and villas,
With a Paris pure as Eden in your modest memories;
Where the serpents are about as prominent as the gorillas
In this sweetened Cockney garden, in your dear trite Twillerees.

NEW LEAVES.
"Memoirs of Sir Walter Scott" (F. Warne & Co's. "Chandos
Classics").-This is a judiciously abridged edition of Lockhart's "Life
of Scott," which in its original form had the one drawback of extreme
length; but in this edition it has been brought-by the excision of ex-
traneous matter (but without the sacrifice of any important feature)-
within the compass of a readable book, which will be welcome to all
admirers of the life and works of the great "Sir Walter."
Bijou Biography" (same firm).-This, though but a miniature book,
contains "colossal" information as a Biographical Dictionary of 30,oo00
references; it is as comprehensive and complete as it well can be.

"And Serve the Young Brute Right."
"THERE'S music in the heir I" the dating parent warbled forth, as
he walked up and down the bed-room at 3 a.m. with the firstborn in
his arms yelling madly. "Ain't much music in your hair," bawled out
the precocious eighteen-monther; you ain't got a tuft left. Why don't
you try Petroline hair cream ?" The child's body has not yet been
found.

QUERY.-'Arry wants to know if sparkling hock ever comes from
the Langued-oc district !

BEERLESS!
BY A THIRSTY VISITOR TO THE NATIONAL INSTITUTION IN
BLOOMSBURY.
HAIL to thee, goal of weary foot
/ II Refreshment-room of the Museum
/ British!
Tired with giraffe, with hippopot,
I fly
Swiftly to thee, with appetite of
cit-ish
S, Or aldermanical intensity;
So that this fossil object which I

This leathery turtle standing at thy
/ ] I could for soup-e'en pre-his-
torical-implore:

But I refrain; and entering, to the
\\ bar
% I hasten, where a very charming
person
Invites me to glance o'er what things there are-
The bill of fare I I've really seen a worse on
Many occasions which I now could name,
But will not, being indisposed to blame;
Suffice it that I choose some hare called jugged
(The muggy waiter mis-pronounced it mugged).
But, chief of all, my soul requested beer,
Dry from antiquities of Greek and Roman,
Or thirstier than the embalmed Egyptian seer,
To all decay a most determined foeman.
Sweet after toil is plenteous food and drink !
Excuse me, reader, but I really think
That, after five hours of those Indian sculptures,
However rude it seems, you would have gulped yours.
I asked for Bass; she gave to me-Rubine I
For Allsopp, and I got Apollinaris;
Drinks which to touch I never yet was seen,
Though ordered by my doctor and an heiress.
For bright Clicquot she gave me Zoedone
(Or don't) and Potass Water, to atone,
And as a kind of parting gift or bonus,
A dumpy bottle black, denominated Tonus.
I foamed with rage-(the waiter heard me swear)-
Yet chide I could not this most charming person,
I would have drunk ten dozen then and there,
Ere brought a cloud to darken face like hers on:
I calm my rage; with thirst and heat I wrestle
(You might have fed me with the milk of Nestle),
And read a placard most concisely stating-
No liquors to be sold at all intoxicating."
Britons, arise I Petition the Trustees,
Demand for your Brit. Mus. immediate licence.
To allow the public beverages like these
Is not, I think, a proof of very high sense.
But if the Speaker will not wet his bill,
Or Cantuar finds that Allsopp makes him ill,
If the Lord Chancellor can t leave his perch,
I'll hie to Mister Bond or Doctor Samuel Birch.
These men, at least, my dire complaint will hear,
I know their kind ways to the public cheery,
They 'll recognize that men who drink of beer
Need not by any means be always beery;
That even the shark and the Assyrian bull
Would not be shocked at alcoholic pull;"
That mum must be the character of mummy,
But that the consequence of rum need not be always-rummy.

Nothing like Leather."
A HOLBORN wag, being asked to explain the derivation of "Leather
Lane," considered for half a minute, then said, 'T is another example,
you know, of the time-honoured lucus a non lucendo; for, saving a shoe-
maker's shop or so, there's nothing like leather" in it !

ot To CORRESPONDENTS.-The Editor does not bind Aimself to acknowledge, return, or jay for Contributions. In no ease will they be returned unless
accompanied by a stamped and directed enveloSe.

94 F U N AUGUST 31, I881.

Ail

Our Paupers. Now Ready. One Shilling; post-free, Is. 21d.
ONE JOHN MONEY having thought fit to jump out ot a top window "FUN'S" NEW SHILING BOOK.
at the St. George's workhouse infirmary (while in a state of unsound FUN 8 NE W SHILLING BOOK.
mind), managed to kill himself. The jury appended a rider to the usual
verdict given in these cases, viz., that the upper stories of the buildings TT 0 0
should be better protected. Perhaps it would be as well if the Guardians F. H L D B Ol O E 1,
would see that the inmates who are wrong in the upper story should be FOR
better protected, and not be left alone to do as they like with them- -T :E S-.A.A.S D-t-"EW
selves or others. The building is of less importance. Only three in-
mates have done the same thing lately. This should wake up even the ROA D, RIVE R, AND RAI L.
Guardians of the St. George's poor. Prose and Verse, Humorous and Sentimental. Pictures on every page.
Ould Erin Again. "FUN" OFFICE, 153 FLEET STREET, E.C.
MR. PARNELL threatens the English manufactures, and wishes to re-
establish Irish manufactures. We always imagined the principal Irish One SAilling; Oost-free, is. 2id.
manufacture to be whiskey. Surely that manufacture has not gone down ROUND TABLE SUMMER BOOK.
(less throats) lately. According to an old story the Irish race spend half
their time in making whiskey, and the other half in drinking it. There- { 8-|JS.
is much truth in this ancient wheeze, and the fact has greatly to do with A--' -
the laziness and dirt that some of Erin's bould sons seem to revel in; By ERNEST WARREN, Author of "FOUR FLIRTS," WHITE OAT," etc.
which laziness has brought the country to the state it is now in. Fizry ILLUsTRATIONs By HAL LUDLOW.
A SICK-ROOM REFRIGERATOR.-Why, a n-ice nurse, of course. 99 SHOE LANE, FLEET STREET, LONDON, E.C.

The Tables Turned.
IMAGINE that before your eyes a diagram you r
see,
A line, at even intervals marked a, b, c, d, e;
'T is the knife-board of an omnibus, with ..
swells at a and e. .
A cad comes up the side at a and plants him-
self on c, I -
But, finding the two cushions there don't abso- ..
lutely fit,
lie asks our friend at e to rise and lugs one on ..
a bit.
(Such men, we know, to gain their ends their :
neighbours' rights ignore.)
At thus being inconvenienced, swell feels a
little sore;
His cushion being half withdrawn, the other .': .
one to meet,
He feels some diminution in the comfort of the
seat ;
But, being like Ulysses, many-sided and acute,
He burns to be revenged, and swiftly plans
how he will do't,-
Ire shifts his seat to b, and then the offender
moves to d;
And, when two others mount the board, is
straight shoved on to e.
Our friend is tender to a fault, and would not
harm a fly,
Yet unregretfully he marks the other's agony;
Recalling, with a tranquil smile, a saying of
the bard,
Concerning some unlucky wight "hoist with
his own petard "

Love and Architecture.
A'Rondel.
"WHEN Poverty enters the door,
Love out of the window will fly."
This piece of proverbial lore
Is-putting it plainly-a lie I
It would be a terrible bore,
I cannot believe !-no, not 1!-
When poverty enters the door,
Love out of the window will fly !
True love never wants any more -
Than riches affection supply,
Cares not for auriferous store,
And laughs at the cynical cry,
When Poverty enters the door,
Love out of the window will fly !"

The Golden Age.2
WAs there ever a Golden Age?
Or is it only a fable?
We read of a time on olden page,
When manners were pure, and men were sure,
And they lived as the good are able.
If 't was so, to the present age
Scant of the gold has descended! A FACT.
A frivolous, free, and pleasant age,
When young and old are greedy for gold, Elderly Party.-," THIS 'ERE GRINESTUN GOES WONNERFUL ARD AND STIFF,
But alloy with the gold is blended. LOIKR I "
But alloy with the goldYouthful School Board Educated Party.-" GRINESTUNS YOU CALLS 'EM IN YER
IGNORANCE. WE CALLS 'EM STONE UNICYCLES DOWN 'ERE NOW, IN COURSE.
MOTTO FOR THE CITY DAY CENSUS COM- E. P.-"Do YER? BUT THIS 'ERE UN AIR JIST AS 'ARD TER TURN WITHOUT
MIlTEE.-Faclis Day Census. NE'ER A BIT 0' GREASE AS IT USED TO WUR UNDER THE OLD NAME I"

A Sell on the Stock Exchange. A Lamb-on-table Case.
JONES. Did you see Robinson with any one? THE Rev. Mr. Fryar has to pay Miss Lamb i,ooo damages for
BROWN. No; I saw him by himself. "breach of promise." For the rest of his life the remembrance of this
JONES. Buy himself! That man would buy anything. What did he fact will deprive him of the pleasure other people experience when sitting
go for? down to lamb and mint sauce.
BROWN. A B.-and-S.
WHEN IS THE RAIN LIKE A PAIR OF HOUSE SLIPPERs?-When ERIN GO BRAY.-The long ears of asses give them an eerie ap-
it looks like lasting, pearance.

VOL. XXXIV.-NO. 852.

FUN.

SEPTEMBER 7. -S99.

THE CAROLS OF CLOUDLAND.
IX.-To PATTY AT THE PAeTRYCOOK'S.
SWEET Patty, Peri of my soul I
NWhy should we ever part?
Resign, dear girl, this hour your
r6ie,
And be my own sweet tart.
It is not for your ginger-teer
I loiter in your shop,
\No, 't is because the question, dear,
I've long designed to fop.
V\
Needs neither praise nor puff;
But since for twelve jam rolls I 'Ive
paid,
Jam satis-I 've enough !
'o Ior you yestreen I ate ten scones,
This morn sixteen meringues,
y1 ", liver 's naught- but what atones
For my poor heart's love-pangs ?
Then, when I hinted you should
share
My humble home and hearth,
1 My ninth bun handing, with a stare,
You bade me go to Bath, /
*' But, candidly appeeling,,e'en
In spite of this, I do
Protest I'm ginger-no, I mean
I 'm dead nuts still on you !

But, Patty, should you prove unkind,
And crusty to my sighs,
Some bigger cake you '11 have to find,
You shall not me despies.

THE IDLE BEGGAR.
ONCE upon a time there was a beggar. There are more now. Most
beggars are idle; this one was very idle. He wouldn't work; and one
fine morning, finding begging wouldn't work either, determined to have
a good day's play; but discovering playing by himself to be a very one-
sided affair, he made up his mind to seek a playmate. He met a bee.
Bee," he said, play with me." Well," replied Apis, I've got to
make honey for my master; but I daresay I can spare you a quarter of
an hour. What's your game?" "Oh, anything." "Right," re-
sponded the bee, we'll play 'touch'." and he forthwith touched him
playfully on the nose with the end of his tail. "Oh!" roared the
beggar, "that ain't fair-I shan't play:" and he went off longing for
the blue-bag. A little farther he fell in with a dog. Dog," he said,
"play with me." "H'm I" answered Canis, "I've got my master's
sheep to mind; but I daresay I can spare you ten minutes. What's
your game?" "I don't mind." "Well," suggested the dog, "suppose
we play hare and hounds.' I 'm well qualified for the latter; go on-
take your law." The beggar went and took his law, but the dog soon
caught him and took his calf. Oh screamed the beggar, you 're
rough ; I shan't play!" And he went on, wishing for a piece of caustic,
till he met a cow. "Cow," he said, "play with me." "Well,"
observed Vacca, "it's near milking-time, and my mistress--but there,
I daresay I can spare you a few minutes. What's your game ?" "Oh,
what you like." "Well," remarked the cow, "have you got a
ha'penny?" "Just," said the beggar. Then I '11 toss you for it;"
and soon after the beggar found himself describing a quarter of a circle
in the air. Oh, you cheat! he groaned ; I shan't play I and he
went on, wishing for vinegar and brown paper, till he came across a
horse standing in a field. "Horse,"he said, "play with me." "Right,"
said Equis, up you get." Just as the beggar was about to equestriate,
a little demon suddenly appeared on the crupper, with "No, you
don't !" "No, I don't," replied the beggar; "but why ?" "This horse
is placed here by my master, the devil, for the convenience of any beggar
who may wish to ride; there's only one road he'll go, and that's
home!" "Well, I'm a beggar." "Bah i-you're no good. The
beggars this quadruped is meant for are those who beg for contracts,
giving low rates, and send boots with paper soles ; those who beg for
election votes on plea of reducing taxes, and don't do it; those who beg
for Civil Service berths on plea of giving their time and talents to the
taxpayers, and then go and direct public companies; those who beg for
a church, take orthodox' pay, and set up anotherdox ritual, &c., &c.
Such as you must go to my master some other way." And he did !

THE INTELLIGENT FOREIGNER IN THE LAND OF
SCOTT AND BURNS.
I REMEMB34RE to tell you, Sare, of ze Escoteesh meest vich vas at ze
Reviews. MAafoil I vish it had mist me I but for ze last fourteen night
I try in vain to fly from it, and still, like our Louis, I say, "aftare me
ze Deluge I" Ze great Villiam Shakespeares must have been in Escot-
land von he say ze rain vas raining all ze days, and he might have said
and ze best part of ze night. From Edinbro' I vent to Stirling: ven zey
show me ze castle, I say, Oui, ze Scot always keep a stronghold on ze
Sterling !" but zey no see ze jokes. Zey show me ze field vare zey burn
ze bannocks, and say Bruce set up ze Standard zare. I say It is a ver
good newspapare, but I did not sink it was so old," but ze guide say
somesink like Adinnakenfatyeretalkinaboot." I also go see ze monu-
ment of Vallace, who, I suppose, was a doctare, for I hear zem sing
"Scot warhay vit Vallace bled." From zare I go to Callendare, and
I take ze coach to ze place vare zey tro ze sack, vich I suppose is a High-
land esport. Ze scenery is grand indeed, alzo I go see zem Trosacks. I zen
take an esteamare down vat zey call ze Lock of Katerine, and zey speak
of ze silvare strand, but I see nozzink like ze Strand or ze Fleet Streets.
I get out at Stronachlachar (Ciel! how my jaw ache vit ze Escotteesh
names!) and I take annozare coach to Inversnaid, vare I see ze charming
vatarefall, and zen I go down ze Lock of Lomond past Ben Lomond. I
see on Lock Katerine, Ben An and Ben Venue, but I no see Ben
Travato. I ask ze cochere if ze Clans of Escotland are descendants of
ze lost tribes of Israel, since zare are so many Bens. I see ze Cave of
Robert Roy, who was a strong man enough to lift herds of cattles. I
also see a small lock, vich I suppose is only a padlock, but I no see ze
Chubb Lock.
Zen I go to Glasgow. Vat a change! as ze boy say who get two bad
sheelings for a florins. It is Saturdays, and nevare have I seen so much
fight in von street. I clear out. I go down ze beautiful Clyde. I come
to ze delightful Rothesay Bay, vare I am happy if it vare not for ze bells
-ze bell of ze butchare, ze bakare, ze grocare, ze fishare, and ze town-
crier. I go to Loch Long vich is ver' fine, and to Loch Fyne vich is
ver' long; but of all ze Escotteesh Locks I like ze locks of zec ladies
best-zey are both long and fine. Speaking of ze hair of ze head remind
me zat ven I go to Ayr I pass ze Heads of Ayr. Zence I go and see
vare Bums vas born-ze house vare he get fou." I no see ze house
in vich he vas sobare. I ask for it. Zey tell me zey have nevare heard
of it. Ze next best zing to Escotteesh poetry is Escotteesh visky ; bose
of zem varm ze heart. I see ze Bridge of Doon, and I see ze monument
of Burns ; but I tell zem of a monument to zare great poets, Burns and
Scott, vich vill exist longare zan zat. Zey ask me vare it is? I ansare,
"In ze hearts of ze Escotteesh peoples! "
I go to Dundee, vare zay make ze Escotteesh marmalades ; but before
zat I prefare ze real jam, vich is in all ze towns. Ven I am zare it is
Sunday. I say to ze polismans, Vare can I get ze glass of beer ? I
am run in.

CURT COMMENTS.
AN old lady named Betsy Miles, for years an inmate of the Union at
Rickmansworth, has just come into a fortune of several thousand pounds.
We wonder whether she will ever go and take tea with her old chums
now? if not, she might take tea to them. This is a give-and-take sort
of world, but we hope Betsy will take the hint and give the tea.
As soon as Parliament was prorogued Mr. Gladstone was off to Deal.
There is no doubt during the past session he has done a deal too much,
and we expect he was pine-ing for the beach. To deal is also suggestive
of card-playing, but the Premier is no shuffzer; and, though he certainly
rut away from town, he only gambolled on the sands.
A fund has been started to purchase Michael Davitt an estate, and
present it to him on his release from prison. To start a fund for a man
who has broken the laws of his country is thoroughly Irish. But they
have always been noted for theirfund-of humour.
A Conservative gathering was held at Redditch, when Lord Windsor
presided, and said no end of nice things to the masses. We don't want
to be illiberal, but we fancy the day has gone by for Windsor soap. It
does not mean clean hands.
The other day when Mr. Bradlaugh went fishing he managed to put
in an appearance at the Tottenham Railway Station, when, says the
report, "several of his partisans raised a cheer." For several people to
only manage one cheer between them is not very inspiriting, especially
if Mr. Bradlaugh were fishing-for compliments.
Lord Derby, in opening a Horticultural Exhibition at Manchester,
declined to make a speech on the ground (he might have done so in the
grounds) that any one who had watched the proceedings of Parliament
must have been surfeited with oratory. This was doubtless a disappoint-
ment, for at a horticultural affair somethingfloueery would be expected,

THE MOST KNOWING SUBURB OF THE METROPOLIS.-Kennington.

I C)6

SEPTEMI~RR7, 1881. IiFUN. 97]

ome unangea u-lance.
A Summer Idyll.

WE sheltered neathh beechen greenery,
The sweet rain fell above,
And she would talk of the scenery,
When I wanted to talk of love!
There was such a saucy suavity
Played round her mouth and eyes,
I sighed for reflected gravity,
And she laughed, she laughed at my sighs !
I thought, I will send a look to her,
Bright with my heart's hot fire,
It shall be plain as a book to her
That her love is my one desire !"
"I will throw my soul's intensity,
Into a wondrous glance;"
When a crowd of vast immensity
Came out for a buzz and a dance !
They seemed to know well the way to me,
Tortured my nose and eyes,
And all I could look was, "May you be
Confoundedly blighted-flies !"

The New Dean.
THE exalted position attaching to the fortunate occupant
of the Deanery at Westminster is little, ii at all, inferior to
that enjoyed by a bishop. We may almost, therefore, con-
gratulate Dr. Bradley on having, at all events, attained the
A. B. C. (the Abbey See) of episcopal preferment.

How they Talk now.
"LIFE," said the Mentor, "is a scene of trouble from the
cradle to the grave." "Yes," sighed the -esthetic one.
"from the berceaunette to the mausoleum."

A FRAGMENT
APROPOS OF A RECENT REVIEW.

And not a thread was dry,
And forty thousand Scottishmen
Can tell the reason why.

THE MODERN SCHOOL AGAIN.
/_a' .-" 0lt, PAPA DEAR, NOW WE HAVE GOT THIS LOVELY OU'I'RY
PLACE, YOU REALLY 'MUST' GO IN FOR HORTICULTURE."
Papa.-" CULCHAW? CULCHAW IF YOU LIKE, MY DEAR, BECAUSE
-IT'S FASHIONABLE, BUT NOT HAUGHTYTY' I 'M A PLAIN BRITISH MER-
CHANT, AND I KNOW MY POSITION."

OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL AND HIS MOOR.
Glen Banshec, 2loorshire, N..B,
You know as well as I do, Sir, that I took this moor in consequence
of a most glowing advertisement as to its attractiveness to the spoi'tsman
having met my eye. It was, according to the more detailed account I
received after opening up correspondence with the owner, literally aive
with birds; its streams teemed with what the natives call "feesh;"
whilst it was adroitly hinted in a postscript that other and more noble
game would not be lacking.
Sir, I think it is time to speak out and denounce the laird who wrote
me that seductive but, alas! illusive letter. I have now been here three
weeks, and three weeks is a period quite long enough to give a resident
a thorough knowledge of the neighbourhood. I knew the place, for
that matter, a fortnight ago; and I know it better now. In fact, Sir,
I know it too well. Alive with birds, forsooth Why, if I were not far
too angry to joke about the business, I would declare my moor, so far as
birds are concerned, to be a "grouse" imposture! The few I shot
during the first days of my stay must have been laid down, so to speak,
by the laird, just before I came.
As to the "feesh," the very sight of the "gaff," hung in my hall,
makes me tremble with mortification and rage. Sometimes, in fact, I
am led, in spite of my better impulses, wrathfully to blow the gaff; and
more than once the mocking presence of my rod and tackle, proved
by bitter experience to be useless, has prompted me excusee the slangy
expression, I beg !) to incontinently take my hook."
The game of a more noble kind with which my sportive instincts
were so insidiously appealed to, turns out, after due search, to be as
visionary as the other prospects held out to me. The only "game "
I have had experience of, in fact, has been the laird's little game in
playing off his worthless property on me; just as his "larks have been,
practically speaking, the only birds I have had to deal with.
There is a proverb, is there not, Sir? which begins The 'Moor' the

merrier." Well, that is not my case. I am the picture of gloom and
dejection: in a frame of mind so dismal as to suit the aforesaid picture
to a T. I only wish I had the Laird of Glen Banshee here at this
moment. I hope I should not shoot him, but I am sure I should do him
some bodily injury, unless he is a very large laird. In that case I would
try not to assault him, for a bodily injury might prove a serious matter
for a man with a very big body. There would be so much of it, you see
I have written and demanded back a part of the money I paid under
false pretences, as I maintain. But I am not sure I shall get any re-
turned. Old lairds, and young ones too, I am told about here, die, but
never surrender money they have once handled.
My gillie, false caitiff that he is, sides with his cheating countryman.
"Jest thenk," he keeps on saying, "what braw fine exerceese ye've
been after having; and in the bonnie Hielands too. Why, it 's worth
all the siller, mon "
I am sure I shall kick that gillie if he says this much more. As to
the piper, though, I have found him invaluable. When I come home,
after a blank and weary day, I find a strange, weird kind of fascination
in having that piper into the parlour, and getting him to play his wildest
screedsfortissimo. I improvise savage words for his maddest and most
ear-piercing efforts, and denounce the laird and his countrymen gene-
rally by the hour together in a kind of fierce monotone. I am not a
singer, as you know. It may give you some notion of our wild musical
orgies when I tell you that my piper splits up the bag part of his instru-
ment nearly every night.
But I can't stand any more of this place, piper or no piper ; and unless
there is a change for the better presently, I shall throw up the moor,
and the lodge, and everything, and return to town. My craving for
sport is as rampant as ever, and it must be satisfied. And, what is
more, it shall for a circular of M. Barbonnel's has reached my hand,
and lion-stalking in Algeria, under his fostering supervision, will pro-
bably next engage my attention. But more of this anon.

98 FUN. SEPTEMBER 7, i88i.

A SUPERFLUITY-THE MIDDLEMAN.

4 Ittt 7I)

But by-ind-bye there bpran: upt an unnecessary meddler who would insist on handing the things from the producer to the consumer. This party rapidly, began to fatten.
/f /'.; / ," ." "' ; .1 "/* ,- i- '-- ., \ ,,,I
-1' I' "i ,"',

And again, byand-bye, when the world was getting too crowded, so that there was not room for everybody, the Middleman had assumed such vast proportions as
totreat to stfl every one else. Then came Common Sense, staying with astonishment, and said to the producer and consumer, Why on earth don't you dispense
with hl, sli-erfluous t citlmaqn, and have more room "" But how anm I to live?" asked the Superfluity. < n'cn voisaAs la necessif!" replied Common Sense.

6~
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/

/ /

//
/
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NMERI C,
CORN

& iz~~

HARVEST PROSPECTS.
British Farmer.-"WOT WITH THIS 'ERE WEATHER, AND THAT THERE FURRIN COMPETIZUN,
DANG ME IF PROSPECT BEAN'T LIKE WORKSS"

K
/ /
I,
7,

:7T

11 .

F-JUN .-SEPTEMPER 7, 1881.

SEPFE\_iv.ER 7, 1881. F UN~~j%. 0

LOST LETTERS.
[The following letters have reached us, we cannot imagine why,
unless by miss-direction. This will explain our getting the lady's letter,
but hardly the gentleman's. As there are no names attached, we
print them, so that the proper recipients-who, of course, take in FUN
-will at last obtain their property.-ED.]
No. I.
VIWHEN we parted last month at "the corner"
(Ily-the-bye, that mare turned out a screw! ")
You '11 remember no man was forlorner
Than I was, with nothing to do ;
In fact, was so bored and ennuver,
That I made you a promise I 'd go
To your place down in Wales, as 't would be a
Variation from slowest to slow.
What care /for your country bazaars, sir,
Save to flirt with the girls at the stalls?
Vita too "brevis" is for their Ars," sir,
And I hate country parties and balls.
For you meet the same people at dinner,
And the girls always sing the same songs;
'T is a penance too great for a sinner
Only owning to venial wrongs.
But I said-if I do not forget it-
That if nothing more tempting turned up,
I 'd be with you. But now (I regret it,
For I do want to see your bull-pup)
To be with us I 'm sure you '11 be wishing,
For I've chummed with De Gray in a yacht,
And we're off to old Norway for fishing,
And to see what there is to be shot.
So, instead of your little pet parties-
Your dull, stupid balls and bazaars,
A grand time, free and jolly, my hearties,
We shall have with our ;iigers and tars.
And we talk of extending our journey
To the regions of bears and of ice;
'T will beat your lawn tennis-mild tournay !
Though the girls all declare it "so nice "
Well, good bye! May you live in your county
A life wide as county's can be,
Spend upon it your life and your bounty ;
But a life of the wide world for me !

No. 2.
MY DEAREST Loo,-So here we are !
We were in Wales last week, you know,
But there was to be some bazaar
To which we didn't care to go.
We stopped some days with Mrs. Jones,
Who wished us to prolong our stay,
But even our dear mother owns
That she was glad to get away.
\ou know it's very stupid, dear,
To talk of what you do not care
About, and so we came on here,
Which is a pleasant change from there!
I have my own idea Flo
Knew some one was at Ilfracombe,
For in the ev'ning, do you know,
We found him in the drawing-room !
And I 'm as sure as I can be
A friend of his, who came with him,
Has fallen quite in love with me!
Now, darling, don't you look so grim !
I like him very much, and may,
If our acquaintance should go on,
Fall deep in love with him some day ;
I like some one to "spoon upon I
I know you'll call this "horrid slang;"
I'm sure, though, you think "spooning" nice !
And if his family's pur sang,
I 'm sure I shan't be cold as ice;
His name is-but I will not yet
Tell you-well, yes I will-'t is Rafe.
And now be sure and don't forget
To keep my secret. It is safe
With you, I know; and write and say
When you are leaving for the sea.
And now good bye !-oh, will you pay
Miss Wilkins half a crown for me ?

I quite forgot it. I can send
You stamps, or pay you when we meet,
Which will be soon, I hope, dear friend.
Believe me your fond MAROGRRIrr,.
P.S.-Since writing the above
We have been out on Capstone Hill,
And there we saw that Mrs. Dove
We met last year at Abbeville;
She's quite as much a puzzle here
As she was there, to us, last year!
Again I just take up my pen
To thank you for your letter. So
You're going, though you told us when
We parted that you wouldn't go.
I will direct to-such a name !-
All consonants. I '11 really do
My very best, but do not blame
S Me if this never reaches you.

WORK AND PLAY; OR, WHICH IS WHICH?
SCENE I.-TTHE METROPOLIS.
AVERAGE BRITON, ESQ., discovered breakfasting comfortably at 9 a.m.,
going quietly to business at to, scanning the news, reading a tcw letters,
jotting down a few figures, taking a leisurely lunch, answering a fiTi,
letters, adding up a few figures, going home to a punctual dinner, and
da capo.
AVERAGE BRITON, ESQ. (yawning). Oh dear, oh dear what a drag
this business is! I 'm regularly fagged out ; I must have a rest-there
-I '11 take a holiday-(does so).
SCENE 1.-THE HOLIDAY.
AVERAGE BRITON, ESQ., discovered taking a passage for broken sleep
across the Channel; taking long, slow, gritty journeys by rail; getting
up and breakfasting blinkily and shiveringly at unearthly hours to catch
coaches; keeping it up with choice spirits at night; climbing arduous
climbs under broiling suns ; getting up more blinkily and skiveringly to
see mountain sunrises; sleeping in hard beds, short beds, narrow beds,
creaky beds, damp beds, dirty beds, good beds, bad beds, and sometimes
no beds; taking long pulls in heavy row-boats; getting caught in the
rain; having long, intricate, and polyglot quarrels with hotel-keepers,
fy-drivers, waiters, porters, &'c. ; getting meals at irregular intervals,
occasionally missing one altogether; walking some miles of cathedral; ab-
sorbing quantities of picture-gallery headache; always hurying to catch
a train, or a coach, or a steamer, or a party absconding with his port-
manteau ; alwaays getting up too soon and going to bed too late, and walk-
ing too much, and riding too much, and eating too much, and drinking
too much, and smoking too much, and seeing too much, and believing too
much.
AVERAGE BRITON, ESQ. There, now I've had a thorough rest and
recuperate. I feel quite another man; it's time I was back at the
office-I '11 be off to-morrow-(is off, much benefited).
CURTAIN.

Black on the Human Understanding.
NEw South Wales has developed a shoeblackk plant "I it is a species
of hibiscus, with scarlet flowers, which, when dry, make an admirable
blacking. It grows freely in almost any soil, so that now we may grow
our blacking in our own gardens. With this plant, and the well-known
boot-tree, we shall now be independent of the bootmaker and the
blacking manufacturer. Of this you may be shoe-er.

FUN.

SEPTEMBER 7, I881.

FLOATS AND FLIES.
HE most striking
thing in connection
with the very suc-
cessful production
of the romantic and
comic opera, Claude
Duval, at the Olym-
X pic, is the remark-
able luck of Mr.
SStephens in his co-
adjutor, his ma-
la nager, and the ex-
ponents of his cha-
racters. The music
ofthe piece is capital,
the mounting is most
liberal and tasteful,
and the performers,
for the most part,
first-rate; but the
plot and incidents
are of a completely
conventional cha-
S racter, while the
dialogue seems mo-
OLv spic.-A (FoRTrcun) TELLING ScaE. delled on the some-
what unambitious lines of the ordinary opera-book.

Frequently recurring "demmes" (not only
those uttered by Mr. Fred. Solomon as Blood-red
Bill, many of which are doubtless his own pro-
perty) and the "high falutin" language of the
hero and the heroine, and their adherence with
s strictly grammatical accuracy to the second per-
son singular when addressing each other, is rather
a scanty supply of humour (even if the latter is so
meant-which I doubt) for a play which is proudly
labelled "comic;" at the same time it must be
said that, when the dialogue of the second and
S third acts is cut down to the proportions of the
OivRic.-" ALL O first (as I daresay it is by this), it will possess the
^ARZoA OUT MR!" merit of being a lucidly told story steadily de-
veloped, while the songs are well written, as far as I could hear.

OLYMPIC.-THE FIRST ACT ENDS-ALL IN A MINUET.
Mr. Solomon's music, while striking into no new paths, is both tuneful
and individual, with plenty of backbone; it is
always cheerful, and as far as I can judge, never
trivial; the choruses are very harmonious, and ,
the orchestra seems to be handled with consider-
able skill. "There's not a prison strong enough
for Claude Duval," has a taking tune, which is i'
sure to gain the popular voice, and eventually
make us wish it hadn't! The minuet at the 1
end of the first act is a clever piece in a higher *
style. By the way, this minuet would be the
better for a few introductory words in dialogue ;
as it is, to any one unacquainted with the tra.
edition it must seem merely an ordinary incidental 6
dance, as it is impossible to follow the words OLY:,xc.-A NICE
sung. DOLLY.

Mr. Celli appeared to great advantage as Claude : his rich voice and
consummate skill afford a treat but seldom met with, and he acts with a
self-contained quietude which is very pleasant. Miss Hood and Mr.
Power, to judge from the ex-
pression of their faces (the gen-
Stleman's in particular), per-
formed under a deep sense of

the latter sang sweetly enough,
some of the songs of the former
Went flat in more senses than
S', | one. I've no doubt this was a
that Miss Hood's voice has
S"come round" again all right
-besides, she sang a song about
"lilies" and her share of
"Across the Sea in Normandie"
very prettily. Miss Coveney
acted with much spirit, and Mr.
Arthur Williams played the
small part entrusted to him with
S- l' commendable discretion,
S A little modesty and self-re-
pression would improve Mr.
Fred. Solomon's Blood-red Bill,
-- ,--" "' as he was rather forcibly remind-
ed by the audience on the first
Oi-Ytpic.-A STRIIiNG H.\T-ITUDE. night; I trust he has taken the
lesson to heart, and reflected
that a man may be a good low comedian without being the prominent
figure in e.,ery scene, and a real Solo-man without having all the solos!

Ot.YMPic.-THE BLANDE AND THE BLATANT.
The rest of the cast was very efficient, especially Miss Edith Blande,
though with nothing particular to do; but a special word of commendation
must be given to the
chorus : the voices are well .- -
chosen-full and true- i Il '
and their portion of the J l I'
music was given with a '
firmness and precision I -
have never heard excelled. I
M. Pilotell has designed
the dresses with admirable
taste, and, in my opinion, J':
it will be long ere Claude I
Duval "takes to the road
in a departing sense.
On the 24th inst, the
Court will re-open, under
the management of Mr.
Claremont, with a new
four-act drama, adapted
from the French by Mr. t
Barrymore (and I know
nothing to prevent the OLYNsMc.-THE LADV's BOWR.,
proceeding-Bar.rymorse), for which an exceptionally strong cast is
announced.

SEPTEMBER 7, I88I.

FUN.

Mr. Dion Boucicault commenced an engagement at the Standard on
the 29th ult. in the ever-fresh Colleen Bawn. The Standard is a little
out of the beat, but Mr. Boucicault's Myles is a performance of rich
Hibernian humour well worth going Myles to see.
Mr. Henderson's new theatre in Panton Street-to be called the
Royal Comedy-will probably be opened on the 1st of October by the
enterprising lessee; but it may not be ready in time, so the lessee says
about it the better, I should say.
Mankind, or B'ggar your Neighbour, is the title of the next piece to
be produced at the Surrey.-Man unkind, I should say.

The other new theatre (in Great Queen Street) will, I understand, open
I early in the new year under the auspices of Mr. Somers Bellamy. These
new theatres rise so rapidly now-a-days, that one almost wonders where
the managers are to come from; but they always seem to turn up from
Somers or other. NESTOR.
High Water.
THE water consumers of London must be on their guard against a
combination between the water companies and the Wilfrid Lawsonites.
i It is evident that there is an intention of gradually raising the water
rates, until the article supplied will become as expensive as champagne!
f he object of this proceeding is evident. The teetotallers believe that
were water as dear as wine, or dearer, it would become a favourite
beverage, as people are apt to despise anything cheap. If this sort of
thing goes on, we shall have to use champagne baths, and take our
water in spoonfuls! A waterfall is always a favourite addition to a
scene, and Londoners would be immensely delighted to see their water
fall I
WHERE THERE 'S A WILL THERE'S A WAY.-The reason why Mr,
Gladstone's party work together so well is because they "work with a
I WILL."

A Matter of Money.
Rondi.
"0 CHARLIE, come with me to Regent Street,
And put-see Shakespeare-money in thy purse.
For something we are very sure to meet
Will loudly call for you to disemburse !
Dresses, or things for head, or hands, or feet,-
So leave your stupid work of making verse I
0 Charlie, come with me to Regent Street,
And put-see Shakespeare-money in thy purse."
So spake my wife, in coaxing accents sweet.
At any rate, I thought, we can't do worse
Than get-at Verry's-something nice to eat;
So yielded, as her lips the words rehearse-
"0 Charlie, come with me to Regent Street,
And put-see Shakespeare-money in thy purse."

Entomological.
WHAT great commander's name is, on the sound of approaching foot-
steps. passed as a watchword among crickets skirmishing on the kitcb en
floor ?-Alexander the Great. (" Ad legs under the grate I ")

Sympathy.
WHY does the accession of an emaciated monarch produce the same
effect on his heir apparent as upon himself ?-Because it sets him a thi,
king on the throne.

Muzzlin' Delane.
SIR G. W. DASENT'S numerous engagements oblige him to delay the
publication of his Life of Mr. Delane. Is i nta to be delaying this
Life of Delane by Dasent ?

MY UMBRELLA.
OH ask me not my brolly to discard,
Well has it earned my praise and your regard.
'T was ever useful, for, in brighter days,
It checked the scorching heat of solar rays,
And, on a shower descending suddenly,
The parasol became a parapluie.
'T is old, I grant you; but, at all events,
Its frame is wiry still; as for its rents,
Unlike my Irish ones, I have the power
To get them all "re-covered in an hour."
On it I lean, 't is no weak broken reed,
Thus proveth it my property indeed.
And as for rain-drops, well, I think 't will do,
It keepeth out more than it letteth through.
And so I pledge it in this loving cup,
Meaning to put up wi 't while I can put it up.

His ain Fireside.
Hodge to the Horse Guards.
Now, prithee, desist from your offers and tenders,
I never liked bayonets or guns;
If foes storm your hearths, look elsewhere for de-fendcrs,
For if they should fire, i-runs.

Amantium ira amoris integration est.
THEY walked two ways beneath the light of morn,
With noses tilted to the height of scorn ;
The two ways met when evening woos the night,
The noses drooped, they kissed, and were all right.

Logical.
A CELEBRITY is a "star." Dr. Tanner is a celebrity. A
man (in Latin) is vir. Dr. Tanner is a man. Etgo, Dr.
Tanner is a star-vir.

An Ale-ment.
IT is said that "the Pope has so strong a presentiment of
his approaching death that he has made his will." A
brewer, without this presentiment, makes his (s)will daily.

STICKY.-" Here I stick," as the chap said when he found
he had no wood to light his fire with.

7-- .-

A YOUNG CYNIC.
Rose.-" OH, .MINE S A SPOONING LITTLE DOLL, DON'T YOU KNOW,
MADE; FOND OF MAKING LOVE."
Mauae.-" GET HER MARRIED AT ONCE, ROSE; SHE WILL NEVER
MAKE LOVE ANY MORE!"

3r To CORRSSPONDENTs.-The Editor dcns not bind himself to acknowledge, return, or pay for Contributions. In no ease will they be returned sunles
accomnsanied by a stamped and directed envelope.

I03

104 FU1IiTN. SI~\ X

NATURE AND ART.
Youthfid Artist (to Countryman).-" MIGHT I GO OVER THERE AND PAINT THOSE TREES?"
Countryman.-" PAINT THE TREES, MASTER I DON'T THEE THINK THEY LOOK VERY WELL AS THEY ARE?"

Romance and Reality.
SHE was a delicate fragile little duck of some eighteen summers, with
dark flashing eyes, dressed in a wonderfully cut "Newmarket" and
beautifully trimmed pink dress; she was sitting on the end of Margate
Jetty when we first saw her. "Lawks, Mar !" she exclaimed suddenly,
"'ow slow time do go down 'ere I To think as we shall ev to wait arfa
hour for that there tripe and hinions." Then she toyed gracefully with
hor sapphire necklet.
Notice to Licensed Victuallers.
THE House of Commons has a Bar-f-tet(t) in it. Applications to be
made at the Bar of the House.

Saddle-y True!
SINCE the discovery that horseflesh is largely used in the manufacture
of sausages, it is proposed to alter the spelling to s-os-ages.

A Game Card.
IN the Exhibition of Christmas Cards was one representing a heron.
It was called "A Valentine." This description was surely heron-eous I

"That place would exactly suit me --.. -
I-low soon I 'd go down there and live, __.._-
Instead of exuting up here,
Could only I find some good fellow who'd give ___
A poor author a thousand a year !
I can just make a living for one;
But never could do it for two, <
And so my existence will run
Alone-as too many must do!
My only one chance-and 't is not i
One I'm likely to meet with, I fear, YA
Is to find as a bride some nice girl who has got- pn.-
What I haven't-a thousand a year -o-
Alas, for this dream of my life!
I 've fallen in love, and she's poor !
Though wanting a "fiver," I'm sure.
Away with all grovelling greed,
She's worth all the gold in this sphere, '
And kisses are all we shall need-
So we'll live on ten thousand a year I

"Give a Dog a Bad Name."
AN ironmonger has been charged with being
drunk, and incapable of taking care of his horse
and van, in High Street, Deptford, but dismissed,
the magistrate remarking that there was not the
cs hale s, for it sof ld b e and a g icvn t tothis horse; jd .i. w 'T o. T D ,e n
slightest foundation for the charge. The de- -
fendant had, it seems, gone into a public house,
called for a pot of beer and given it to his horse;
a proceeding to which the potman objected, ob- [
serving that the pot was for men to drink out of, i
not animals. Of course the ironmonger could
have said that many men in the matter of drink ,_.'
made beasts of themselves, but he didn't, and he .
was given in charge. There is no doubt to some if!.
minds it would seem that a man who would IPi A
give a horse a pot of beer, instead of drinking -,_ 'i
it himself, must be drunk, but the policeman
had a better defence even than that. How could '.'
he think the man was sober with such a name ? .
it was Barclay Perkins.

O Rarely Sweet! "; 1 111
Rondeau.
O RARELY sweet her dear eyes look on me "
O rarely sweet the summer songs she sings I
O rarely sweet her kisses' ecstasy! ,
O rarely sweet the thoughts her presence I -.
brings! I
Rarely sweet the time that with slow wings ,'_.
Hovers above the days that heavily
Await that happy day of wedding rings '[
When she and I shall ever more be "we"! ,
O rarely sweet! ii
O rarely sweet that past felicity! A SIGN" OF GENIUS.
O rarely sweet! though now among the things A SIGN" OF GENIUS.
That are no more, and ne'er again can be! Waiter (to eminent Artist, wvho is stopping in the Hotel).-" WE HAD A 1iARTIS' S'TOPIN'
Life changes sweet to bitterness, and flings 'ERE ONCE, SIR, AND HE CUT WITHOUT PAYIN' 'IS BILL."
Honey away for gall! I And now is she 1. A.-"INDEED! BUT ARE YOU SURE HE WAS AN ARTIST?"
0 rarely sweet! Waiter.-" OH, YES, SIR, QUITE SURE. IN FACT, 'E PAINTED OUR SIGN

Fowl Play! "Odd, Indeed!"
THEY are still very fond, in some rural districts, of clapping a stray IT is singular that so many, who are remarkable for the noise they
goose, or duck, or even hen, into the village pound. But there is one make in church when shouting "Amen," should be so singularly silent
bird which, even by "fowl" play, they would find it impossible to get and quiet when they are asked to contribute towards the maintenance of
inside around; we refer to the guinea-fowl, their church.
MUCHI ADO ABOUT NOTHING."-Two ladies taking leave of each
The Raining Topic. other after the supper party. What a long time it takes too!
IT is not wonderful we have had such general and persistent rain
this harvest, for it would be a difficult matter to find a district whose THE MosT "IMPORT"-ANT QUESTION O TnIE. DAY.-The amount
farmers have not been, more or less, under a cloud. of our Imports.

VOL. XXXIV.-NO. 853.

IO6 F

Y.1
A7, 1 . '

DOGGED.
Old Keeier.-" NOT GOOD ENOUGH, AINT 'E? WELL, NOW,
I'VE A-KNOW'D A LOT 0' WELL-BRED 'UNS FIT,FOR NOUGHT.
I KNOW'D YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER, BEN, AND THEY WOS
A GOOD SORT !"

TURF CUTTINGS.
THE LEGER.
TO THE EDITOR OF "FUN."
SIR,-As the only Prophet who gave Mother Shipton for the Ebor
Handicap-at least, I believe I am correct in so describing myself,
though, as I do not read the sporting articles in any of the papers, I
may have overlooked the novelty of success in some brother vaticinator
(which, however, would only have been a fluke on his part),-as the
only Prophet of that description, I say, I do not consider it at all incum-
bent upon me to assign a reason for not having communicated with you
lately, in spite of your holding the contrary opinion. I am still on my
holiday, and intend to be-as long as Mother Shipton's shiners last. I've
left Gravesend, the riverside and shrimps, and come to Badajoz, the
seaside and grit. It's sandy grit, and clean, but it's grit all the same.
There are some tons of it lying loosely on the nearer part of the shore,
and gentle zephyrs waft it softly up the pure asphalted little streets and
round the neat little corners, and lay it tenderly down on little well-kept
lawns and erstwhile glowing flower-beds, till all looks grey and dry.
Then it gets on window-sills, and gently insinuates itself through the
sashes into the bosom of the family, greeting us the first thing in the
morning in heels of socks and interstices of linen, clinging affectionately
to us all day long, getting up sleeves, under corners of eyelids, between
boot-laces and over shoe-tops, garnishing food at every meal, and lightly
encrusting our pillow as we, weary, seek repose. We are situate upon the
coast between Liverpool and Southport, and sometimes there is mud,
tempered by empty meat-tins and old tea-kettles; but grit-sandy grit
-is the staple commodity, and when it blows gles- !! 1 The in-
habitants are afterwards dug out. Why, even the inhabitants themselves,
genial and ever ready to stand a drink as they are, are nothing but grit,
-real grit. But I am reminded of the great Doncaster Meeting, and
so give my
TIP FOR THE LEGER.
Oh, loudly the crowd on Trophonius cries,
His tip's in demand by the whole of society,
And, when he's removed all the sand from his eyes,
The Prophet proceeds to relieve the anxiety.
He seeks for an omen (nor seeks it in vain),
An omen for pleasing the tyro or plunger with,
For when we're approaching the Leger domain,
The Prophet 's a nomen sufficient to conjure with.
Well, first on the list he would look for Scobell,
And feel the proceeding required no apologist;
Not ev'ry man's hand should oppose Ishmadl;
And some one is sure to get "chips" from Geologist.
But if any son of a gun should be found
Who aims to be more than his father or mother wise,
He '11 back Iroquois if the animal's sound,
But look to St. Louis, supposing it's otherwise.

JN.

SEPTEMBER 14, I88i.

This is not altogether a merry spot in itself,-there is not much going
on except shipping and shopping. The former is confined to the passing
of outward and homeward-bound vessels in and out the Mersey, and the
latter to ladies. If we want amusement we have to seek it in Liverpool,
which is not a colossal undertaking, so we are moderately cheerful.
Some excitement may be experienced in trying to get down to the sea
(which, on account of low tides, I have hitherto only seen in the far
distance), there being loose sand, meat-tins, and mud aforesaid to
grapple with, to say nothing of rugged puddles ; or in taking a stroll
among the quicksands, though this latter pastime is somewhat spoilt
by warning posts set up by unreflecting inhabitants, careless of the
enjoyment of the visitor. The visitor, in fact, is rather at a discount
in Badajoz, and his presence is discouraged. Cheap trippers"
are unknown; for the great merchants who have chosen Badajoz
for private residence would have it so, and what railway company
would offend so vast an array of residential ticket-holders?
The Old Man is content that it should be so too for he loveth not
the "cheap tripper," nor his greasy paper left behind, nor his empty
bottle, nor his babe, nor his bundle, nor anything that is his. Two
things are shaking the community to the core, however,-a new railway
station and a new band. Excitement in the former case is excusable :
the old station was a strange barn of problematical approach, situated
on a road to nowhere, and opposite a small patch of land more or less
covered with a shock of vagabond grass. It was entered with fear and
trembling by the successful explorers who reached it-all passengers
having to cross the rails at least once, and often twice, whatever their
destination-the booking aperture generally managing to be on the other
side. It was a sort of workhouse for worn-out, mendicant dust, bank-
rupt cinders, and disused north-east gales. There was a reluctance in
serving out and collecting tickets, which savoured little of welcoming the
coming or speeding the parting guest ; and often the stranger in the land
would find himself stranded in the dark, amid his impedimenta, at the
end of a long, meagre, asphalted little lane, with no porter in sight, and
the general impression upon him that the place was being locked up for
the night, and he'd better make himself as comfortable as possible with
rugs, and without delay. The change from all this to a clean, well-built,
well-sheltered structure, with the newest improvements in the way of
glass ticket-holes and elaborate train time-indicators, might agitate even
the metropolitan mind : conceive some of our Underground stations so
improved I As for the band, its establishment was much opposed by
many as savouring too much of attraction for the "cheap tripper;"
but all obstacles have been overcome, and last week it marched about
the town, for the first time in all the glories of hussar-like uniform and
elementary musical execution. But, on the whole, public spirit is at a
deplorably low ebb (like the tide); two hotels have been closed within
the last eight months for want of custom-it was indeed high time that
the place was visited by Yours, &c., TROPHONIUS.

Our Hard-up Contributor
Is once again more than equal to the occasion. His last idea of
pawning goods for bashful people doesn't seem to have been taken up
by the public (we often wonder our H.-U.C. hasn't been taken up), for
very soon after he was pestering us with some madcap scheme for persons
with large families, headed, "Why be in debt and difficulties?" and
actually offering to remove such young families, not by van, but to cart
them off in some way or other. We need not say we paid no attention
to anything so diabolical, and now he is worrying our editorial life out
to take up the question of Fashion and Trade that has been ventilated
in a contemporary. His statement that he has had a long experience
of lustre goods is, we doubt not, true in one sense, for ever since we
have known him his clothes have been singularly shiny. That he is
"an anxious parent" we also doubt not, seeing how apparent is his
anxiety to make money; but of course the question is, whether his ideas
would make any material difference. He thinks that gentlemen's gar-
ments ought to be made of "all wool," and that as his tailor has not
suited him in this respect for some time (who would care to "suit" any-
body without payment?), he suggests that if a Bradford manufacturer,
or any other, if it Leeds to business, will supply him with some wool
goods, he will wear them out of doors, and so be a walking advertise-
ment. That he would wear them out we have not the slightest doubt;
he has nearly worn us out; so if any one thinks the cause of English
manufactured wool goods against French fabrics would be assisted by
his patronage, by all means clothe him. In the present peculiar state
of the law of libel, we do not like to say too much about our ingenious
but impecunious friend, though if any one thinks of making the experi-
ment, the most suggestive and suitable style would, under the circum-
stances, be a cutaway suit. May our hopes be realized I

What's the Madder 9?
NEVER say "dye" I-especially to a madman-for the danger is if
you do that he will go and get "madder !"

SEPTEMBER 14, i881. FUT N I07

A Desirable Exchange.
FRAMED with a suitable care and simplicity,
I have a question which-artfullest one !-
(Anxious to give it the widest publicity)
I would propound to the readers of FUN:
Hear, as I ask with a strong importunity
(P'r'aps with a tinge of despair in my tone),
Will there no female in all the community
Give me her heart in exchange for my own ?
As for the lady, I 'm no way particular,-
Let her be beautiful, let her be plain,
Let her be upright or unperpendicular,
Let her be modest or let her be vain,
Let her be wise or the essence of foolishness;
But, though I'll easy on such points be found,
This stipulation I stick to with mulishness,-
Hearts that are offered must always be sound.
My heart is given to acting affectedly
(Sorely affected and wofully bad),
Up in my mouth or else sinking dejectedly,
Fluttering faintly or throbbing like mad.
Life is a burden; and who can arrange for it
Pleasure or joy with a heart that's all wrong?-
That's why I wish to obtain, in exchange for it,
One that is healthy, and hearty, and strong.

Sermons in Stones.
"And princes footed in the dust,
While lackeys in the saddle vaulted."
-THACKERAY.
SOME latent lessons lurk, be sure,
Beneath our street nomenclature.
Their name is legion you will find,
And this 'mong many crossed my mind,
When journeying from my far abode,
In "Prince's Gait" to "Vassal Rode."

An Apophthegm.
IT is a bad sign when a man wishes you "good night" in
the middle of the afternoon, as it shows he does not know
when he is.

WHAT ARTICLE ON YOUR WRITING-TABLE WOULD
ENABLE YOU TO PRODUCE A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT?-
Your ink-eraser, for with it you can make a "P" an 0."

A SECRET.
Studious School Board Child.-" I SAY, MARY, DO YOU KNOW WHAT
COFFEE REALLY IS, AND WHERE IT COMES FROM ? "
Small General Dealer's Child.-" 0 LOOK 'ERE, SALLY, I AIN'T A-GOIN'
TO TELL YER THAT; IT'S A PERFESSIONAL SECRET, AND WOULDN'T
MOTHER WHOP ME IF I LET IT OUT I "

OUR EXTRA-SPECIAL GOES A LION-HUNTING.
En routefor Algeria, September 7th.
EMBARKED as I am, Sir, on an enterprise of the greatest moment,*
I am still blithe and cheery, and have, in fact, been just asking a fellow-
passenger the idiomatic French for "branch line," so as to be in a posi-
tion to inquire of the guard whether a passenger is not in danger of
missing his "route" when he finds himself on a "branch" such as we
are now travelling on. To tell you the honest truth, ever since M.
Barbonnel's circular was published in the Daily News, inviting sports-
men to come and stalk the king of the forest under his supervision, in
his (the k. of the f.'s) native wilds, I have been longing for the coming,
or I might say indeed the Gordon-Cumming, fray.
It was the thought of this large game awaiting me in Algeria, I think,
which helped to put me out of conceit with Glen Banshee. My soul
soared, so to speak, above the grouse; and Highland deer-stalking,
alter all, comparatively speaking, was talking in a whisper compared to
the roar of the lion.
Three days ago, therefore, I returned to London, as you know, Sir;
and, having hastily prepared for my adventurous expedition, started for
North Africa. Several of my most intimate friends started, indeed,
before I did, but as they only started with surprise at hearing of my in-
tentions, they have not got far. I promised each of them a lion-skin
rug, however; so that altogether I anticipate a most "rug"-ged kind
of visit. But that does not damp my ardent spirits.
[Editorial Note.-We have no wish to intrude personal charges against
an absent correspondent, but certainly, if rumour does not lie, neither
that or anything else is likely to damp our Extra-Special's ardent spirits,
for the simple reason that he prefers to take them neat !-ED. FUN.]
I am at this moment proceeding by rail over the last stage of my
It has often occurred to me, Sir, to wonder how it is that a matter, even of the
greatest moment, can last for hours. If they called it a matter of the longest
moment, now, I could better understand.-Y.E.-S.R.

journey for which this mode of conveyance will be available. The line
(a new one) runs through a wild country near Algiers, and the Arab
children in their ignorance cut across the metals in front of the engine,
and all but get killed. This shows the necessity of train-ing up
one's children in the way that locomotives should go, &c., does it not,
Sir?
Besides my own trusty small-bore, good at any number of paces, but
especially good at the pace that kills, I have picked up a big bore en
route, a tubby little' Frenchman who, like me, is on his way to M. Bar-
bonnel's lion preserves-the biggest thing in the shape of sportsman's
"real jam" yet instituted, I should suppose. This valiant Gaul, M.
Loubaud by name, has made money in the fancy soap Mtrade, and was
boasting yesterday that we English had to come to a French colony for
our really big game. "Not at all, monsieur," I replied ; "lions have
been common enough in Great Britain since the earliest days."
"Comment ? exclaimed he ; "you poke ze fun & moi."
"Not a bit of it I answered. "Don't you remember that line in
Shakespeare that proves it ?-everybody knows it: where Macbeth shouts
out 'Le-on I Macduff,' I mean. There clearly must have been kings
of the forest about in Scotland just then, and as to the present day, why,
you would find a Red Lion in the streets of every city and town in
England. I have a friend in the north who keeps a Golden Lion him-
self, though that is, of course, a rarer variety."
M. Loubaud changed the subject upon this, and tried to draw me
out on the topic of Windsor soap, which he seemed to think was manu-
factured in a wing of Windsor Castle, under the supervision of a bishop,
I tried to trace the source of this astonishing statement, and found it
had evidently something to do with the sobriquet "Soapy Sam" cur-
rently applied to a former episcopal dignitary of our Church.
But enough of such trivialities. To-morrow we shall reach M. Bar.
bonnel's establishment, and the raptures and the dangers of the lion-
hunter will be mine. In other and more sentimental words, Sir, my
star will be in future A-roarer" !

FUN.

THE GUIDE."

~r-y'1 I

-~ I

L
L

?'//I~~.
.:

It was in perfect peace, was that guide's mind. When he told us how the castle had been wantonly destroyed by the Picts, his eye dilated not with just resentment
When he told us how Sir Ugh had bin slew, circa A.D. bo7o, and afterwards exoomed, which this was his effergy, his eye filled not with tears of regret.

And when he showed us a inscription of a numerouss character in the Latin tongue, he smiled not at its humour. We tried to rouse him to the hopes and pa.ions of
this world. Grumber (our tragedian) recited to him awful incidents of woe and terror-but his bosom heaved not.

Suiygur (our funny ian) went through his choicest bits of humour. but his mouth relaxed not. Slasher (our major of volunteers depicted the field of carnage, the
devastated honie.tcad, the rec;lless and desperate charge. Then, at last, his eys lighted up. There is no regular charge," he said; we leave it to you, sir."