Friday, January 30, 2009

I had my annual exam today. I should start this by saying that I actually love my Ob/Gyn. I've been going to him for 8 years. He's been super supportive through some rough patches and a great encouragement in the good years, including the birth of my daughter. He has been nothing less than an excellent physician. He tells me I'm pretty and pinches my cheek, and not in a pervy way. Despite this, going for my annual visit is just not fun. No matter how nice the doctor, how gentle his touch, it feels like an invasion and it doesn't really get any easier the older I get. But beyond that, there are a few things that drive me a little nutso.

1. Waiting - First in the waiting room and then in the exam room. I know it is impossible for them to keep exactly, to the minute, on schedule, and maybe if I were waiting for, say, a massage, or cake, I would be less on edge, but the minutes just drag by.

2. The Paper Gown - First off, I always rip it when I am putting it on, so it's more like I'm wearing two shoulder covers, and secondly, could the thing be more scratchety? I'm betting these wonders are not super cheap, so why can't they be made out of the same material as fancy paper napkins? That, I would be happy to wear.

3. The Vaginas and Uteri - They're everywhere. Pictures on the walls, plastic models on the tables and counters. I suppose they're used for explanatory purposes, but I could do with seeing a little less of my insides.

4. Peeing in the Cup - No matter how much I've drunk in preparation, I always get stagefright. My bladder, that lets go when I even think about sneezing, gives me the big thumbs down and I wind up hovering and worrying that I won't be able to produce the needed 1 to 2 ounces. Then when it finally does get going, my aim leaves a LOT to be desired. I understand a woman's anatomy (thanks to all of the diagrams) and I still don't know where the pee actually comes out.

5. The Magazines - I don't go to the doctor to read O and Harper's Bazaar. I want the guilty pleasure stuff I won't buy for myself: People, Us Weekly, heck, I'll even take a Reader's Digest. I mean who doesn't love Humor in Uniform?

6. Getting Weighed - Why, oh why, do we have to go through this torturous ritual. I swear the nurse puts her foot on the scale behind me. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

7. Stinky Feet - I always worry that my feet will smell. That my doctor will be doing his business, just inches from my piggies, and he will be overcome by the stench. He will then put a black mark in my file and I will be blacklisted from Gynos everywhere, a la Elaine on Seinfeld.

8. The Surly Phlebotomist - I'm not sure if it's just the ladies I have encountered or if the somewhat gruesome nature of the job gets to people after a while, but the bloodletters always seem so cranky.

9. Pharmaceutical Company Free Gifts: The card holder sponsored by Vagimel (wasn't he a character on the Smurfs) or the calendar by Hysterigard. Seriously, who comes up with these names?

10. The Aftergoo. How can I put this delicately? Doctor requires lubrication. Lubricating material doesn't disappear after its purpose is completed. Is that non-graphic enough for you guys? All I can say is, yuck.

What's your least favorite thing about going to the doctor? (Lula, you don't count because you have the perfect doctor!)

My ob/gyn is Scott's best friend from medical school...so she's like a sister to me and there is nothing traditional about our relationship. We discuss Jamaica and wine and cosmetic surgery and lipgloss, all while her hands are in me. Yes, in me.

And, because she's a woman and knows better, she uses heated goo...and then her nurse gives me MANY wet wipes to rid myself of said goo. 'Cause I ain't squeaking and leaking down the hallway once all that trauma is over.

While I don't love going to my "big girl" appointment, I love my doctor--it's very different when "that" kind of physician is a close friend.

p.s. Thanks for Scott's shoutout--he will love it. Going to show him later today. Before tonight. 'Cause you know what tonight is.

Uteri! *snort* I could do with a few less uteri. Hilarious. And, yes, Vagimel was a smurf for sure.

My peeve is the need to discuss my age. And I'm not that freaking old, people! This wasn't at the lady doctor, but at another doctor. A new one. The nurse was going through the big list of questions you get when you go to a new doctor and when she got to the date of your last cycle question, she instead asked me if I still had periods!!!!! I was 39 years old for pete's sake! Yeah. And just so you know, when you're 34 you're about to turn 40. Just ask your doctor.

I went to the Doc the other day...got on the scale and demanded that they subtract my boots from the weight. The nice man asked, "how could would you estimate that your boots weigh?" I respond: 12 lbs, thanks.

I hate the lady doctor because I just despise the feeling afterwards -- I can conjure up the feeling of that swab for at least the next two days and it makes me ill.

I ALWAYS have stinky feet and usually furry legs too, which I apologize for profusely as a way to break the ice. I can't really help the feet thing, it's in my genes, and as for the legs... oh well! I'm not gonna shave JUST for the ob/gyn.

OMG...you are SO right. The phlebtomists ARE always cranky. ALWAYS. And I swear they take it out on my delicate and sensitive veins.

I pretty much hate the whole visit, even though the people are all very nice. What I really REALLY hate, though, is how cold it is in there while I sit and wait an eternity in the equivalent of a dress made from a few strands of rough toilet paper.

Least favorite thing about the OBY/GYN visits?- aftergoo (good call on that)- wondering if other people are, ahem, better groomed than I?- the actual exam part- the fact that there are only LAME magazines like Fit Pregnancy in the waiting room -- I would kill for an O Magazine

Other than that, I am actually great at peeing in a cup on command, not to brag. At the practice I go to, you wrap yourself in a sheet instead of a paper gown. It's a bit awkward figuring out how many times you should fold the sheet and whatnot, but it is softer than the gown.

Oh, and when I'm getting blood drawn? And I'm concentrating on not passing out so I count the lines on the striped wallpaper (very chic, btw) and you ask me if I'm ok? And want to chit chat? It PISSES ME OFF. Don't talk to me. You are injuring me. You are NOT my friend and I don't likey you.

least favrite thing: the awkward end of the exam conversation as the doc. hands me a box of kleenex to clean the goo then leaves the room. Kleenex? WTF? Then the rest of the day I'm picking kleenex out of my mommy parts. Fun, fun!

You'd think it would all get easier (or shall I say we'd "accept" this annual visit more) after child birth (er, c-section). I dread it every year, and your post has made me thankful, I have 11 more months before experiencing it all again.

I am always confused by the question: What's the first day of your last period? I swear, the nurse just likes to see me struggle, trying to come up with a date.

And as far as the scale -- next time, try saying 'no thank you' when asked to step up on it! The look on the nurse's face is priceless!

Hahaha! I am with you on all of these, especially #s 2, 3 and 7! Seriously, I feel I have to have a pedicure and then wear shoes that hopefully won't make my feet stinky and then build my outfit around those shoes.