Memoirs for Memories

Monday, May 13, 2019

I was only able to get the 7pm-8pm Walmart online grocery store pickup time for today. Tough time for a mom with 4 littles and a husband away at work. Trying to wrangle the kids in the car was enough to make me break out in a sweat! My kindergartener had every excuse in the book why he should be able to stay home and he tried to argue his point about a dozen times. I had run out of patience about 3 kids ago so I lost my composure and rose my voice to ask him such a fine question which was “What is your problem?!!” Not my finest mothering moment. I left the oldest 2 at home and strapped a wiggly discontented 2 year old in the car seat while Reeve moped his way into the van with his head hung low. I sit in the car trying to figure out why there is a bedtime alert going off on my phone. I realize the baby must have been playing with my phone earlier and messed with my settings. I vent my frustrations out under my breath in incomprehensible grumbles and finally make my way to good ole Walmart. Not two minutes down the road Reeve pipes up and says, “Um, mom? I just want to thank you for everything you’ve ever done for me my whole life.”

I lower the volume because, “What?” Did I just hear what I thought I heard? Was this one of Reeves goofy random thoughts of bizarreness? (He is known for asking very obvious questions that frustrates everyone with ears). I actually laughed because this sounded scripted. Was someone telling him what to say in an ear bud or something? I quickly stopped laughing when I turned around and saw his face, how he was staring out the window. For once in his life, the boy with the permanent smile on his face wasn’t smiling. It shocked me the way he looked actually.

My boy repeated what he had just said and continued talking in a voice that wasn’t his.

“I just want to say thank you for everything you’ve ever done for me for my whole life. I know daddy’s dad died and that brought daddy down here and he married you. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for that, but God brought our family together for joy. So, I just want to say thank you for everything.”

Speechless I drove in silence for a minute processing what just happened. I gathered myself and choked back the tears to tell him how sweet those words were and thanked him for sharing.

What. Just. Happened.

As soon as I get a chance at a red light, I write down what he just said because I can’t even believe my ears. I can’t miss the importance of this. After all the arguing and dealing with such a disgruntled mom he comes up with this?? Then it hit me. That sounded NOTHING like Reeve. I mean, no resemblance. It was truly like someone else was talking through him... because maybe just maybe there was Someone talking through him. Could God, the creator of the universe be speaking life to me through my kindergartener in the middle of my mess on my way to Walmart? This seemed too over the top ‘spiritual’ to me. Did I just dream this up? There was no warning, no piano playing softly in the background, no build up of fuzzy feelings... just pure unadulterated gratitude and love right smack in the middle of my ugly. It became so obvious to me that God showed up to tell me something important, really important. Something I’ve been missing. Something he wants me to have.

Gratitude and joy.

I seemed to have lost it along the way somewhere. Turns out it was right here the whole time in the heart of my son, flying under the radar of all the busy and distractions of life. It’s been right at my fingertips in red letters on my end table beckoning me to come everyday... but this, but that.

I am still in shock and amazement over this. I can’t ignore it any longer. It’s time. Time to be intentional with gratitude and end the negative self-talk about how horrible I am. Time to stand up to the haters in my head and raise my head to the light to find my hope and strength in Him. It’s time to trade the dread in my heart for joy. I’m so thankful for these moments in time that seem to come out of nowhere, but in actuality, come at the exact right time. He stopped me in my destructive path to shine a light on gratitude and joy. Oh how I have missed true joy. I’m so thankful God isn’t done with me yet. I’m so thankful he cares so deeply for me... enough to not leave me in my mothering vacuum to sulk all alone in all my inadequacies.

Did He really show up in my mini van to tell me there’s another way... to remind me he put my family together for joy. It was like He was saying, “Priscilla, don’t miss this.” To think that He really cares for my weary soul... what a Savior. This my friends is why I am blessed. This and only this. Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so. He’s still gathering up my hidden ashes and turning them into something beautiful. I believe that.

Friday, December 4, 2015

I’m not going to lie; I don’t like putting my boys to bed. I
know that sounds horrible, but it is what it is. All the talks of snuggles and
sweet moments before bed have eluded me. I usually get the grasshopper
impressions, fake fart noises and incessant laughter that won’t quit. Running
around wild with or without undies is the usual around here. After a long day,
my patient way of handling things goes out the window and I become someone I
don’t like. Hubby has taken over night time routines and I think we’re all a
little better off. One night when hubby wasn’t home I was trying to wrangle the
monkeys into bed and I unfortunately lost my cool with my middle one. I managed
to pray over them and tell them that I loved them before turning off the light.
Then I hear the middle one. In his quiet mumbling voice he whispers, “No you
don’t.” My heart sank a little that night. All the feelings of inadequacy,
guilt and failure flooded over me in one enormous wave. I said, “Yes, I do.” He
said, “Then why do you yell at me?” I apologized and said, “I shouldn’t do
that, I’m just tired and no one is listening.” He said it again, “I still don’t
believe you. I’ll never believe you.” With that I said, ‘Well, I do.” I closed
the door.

Not one of my finest moments as a mom. It got me thinking though, “I
wonder if they know that my love for them is not dependent on what they do or
how angry I get?” Obviously my middle
one doesn’t think so. The next day I asked my other two boys, “When mommy is
mad at you, do you think I still love you?” The moment of truth came in one
simultaneous answer, “no.” I thought well, let’s figure out why and make it
right.

It took some conversations but the greatest impact usually
hits right in the heat of the moment when I am delivering their consequence. I’ll
tell them, I am not happy with what you just did but even now I love you just
the same.” After another infraction or a disappointing event at school, “I’m
disappointed in your choices, but I’ll never stop loving you.” After one
brother whacks another one, “That is unacceptable, you’ll need to apologize,
but even right now I love you.” I’ll tell them when emotions are flying and
when they’re not. If I have another moment, I’ll apologize and tell them, “Even
when I’m so upset that I can’t see straight, even then I love you.” I’m not
letting them think for even a split second otherwise. I won’t let them believe
a lie. I’ll say, “Even if you pull all your tickets at school, say a thousand
mean words, start a thousand fights or light a match and burn our whole house
down. I’ll be so upset with you, they’ll be lots of consequences, but I’ll love
you the same. I know you can’t understand but there is absolutely nothing you
can do that will take my love away from you. Even if everyone doesn’t like you and
you can’t find one friend in the whole world, you can always count on me loving
you the same as the day you were born.”

I mess up a lot (see example above) and make tons of
mistakes. I feel so out of my league being a parent. If I didn’t know better I
would think that God’s heart would break when He sees me messing up, but I know
the truth. He already forgave me when He said, “It is finished,” I’m in the
process of forgiving myself and trusting in His finished work. I’m in a state
of thankfulness for what He has already done at the cross. I’m so grateful His
love is agape. Is there anything more wonderful? The best news in the world is
His love can’t change. Even when He was dying on the cross the world was
shouting hateful words at Him and telling Him to ‘die’ and mocking Him- the
creator and savior of the world. You know what He chose to say at that exact
moment? He says, “Father, forgive them
for they know not what they do.” Even in the depths of our human depravity, He
loves. He can’t stop loving. Son, he IS love. In His kindness He gives us love
to give away. He gives us forgiveness to forgive those that don’t deserve it. He
gives us every good thing. He is the master gift giver. Without Him we try and
muster these things up all on our own but it always falls short. The way mommy
and daddy loves you is a small imperfect reminder of the way God loves us. Don’t
ever say that I don’t love you but even if you’re really mad and you say it
anyway, guess what? I’ll still love you- even then.

These boys of mine, they bring me to the cross. I thank God
that even in the ugly moments He shows me opportunities to grow. I thank God
that in all my imperfections He is still loving me, refining me and teaching me
how to be more like Him.

Monday, February 9, 2015

Sometimes there are events that happen in life which just don’t
make sense. Events that are like a consuming fire burning up all the tomorrows
we thought we’d have. A million dreams, a thousand kisses and caresses, and
hundreds of memories yet to be had… all ablaze in an instant. She will always
have a place in all of our lives. Even though we never got a chance to know
her, her life in the womb was not in vain. She was loved, is loved and will
always be loved. She was wanted, cherished, and adored. She was special,
irreplaceable, unique and totally beautiful. She leaves a hole in our hearts
that only the Lord can fill.

Thinking about what my brother and my sister-in-law are
going through, I keep thinking about my two favorite scriptures in the bible found
in Daniel 3:24-25. “Then Nebuchadnezzar the king was astounded and stood up in
haste; he said to his high officials, “Was it not three men we cast bound into
the midst of the fire?” They replied to the king, “Certainly, O king.” He said,
“Look! I see four men loosed and walking about in the midst of the fire without
harm, and the appearance of the fourth is like a son of the gods!”

This passage gets me every time. I close my eyes and picture
the scene as the three men are violently thrown in this horrific inferno. How
even the guards who were ordered to throw them in succumbed to death as the
entrance to the furnace was too hot to withstand. I picture
the king’s expression, the disbelief, as he rubs and squints his eyes as he questions
what he sees. Then there are the three men who once were bound but somehow
became free- free in the furnace. Walking about with these free men is this
fourth person, the Creator of the universe, Immanuel. He could have prevented that whole situation.
He could have performed a miracle and had the men go free before even entering
the hell hole. He chose not to. He chose a different path, to physically show
us who He is- a God who does not watch from afar as we are thrown in these
fiery furnaces of life.

We assert ourselves and want to know ‘why’ we want it all to
make sense. We want to say, “Oh, this happens so that could happen and this was
meant for this…” The hard truth is we can never know the full picture. How can
God’s perfect plan include such horrible tragedies? We demand answers that even
if He explained it would be incomprehensible to us. I equate it with a loving
mom or dad holding down a screaming child so he can get a painful procedure
done that is for the child’s benefit in the long run. There’s no way that small
child can understand why a loving parent would hold him down while he screams
out for mercy. Only the parent knows that this pain is temporary. Only that
parent knows how much they love their child and how much they wish their child
could trust them.

We throw our fists up in the air knowing He could have prevented
this pain, yet we somehow forget we are arguing with someone who laid down His
life for ours. We doubt His goodness because we cannot fathom something
horrible being allowed by an all loving God. God-forbid any circumstance shake
the core of what we believe and know about His character… that He is truly all
loving, all knowing, infinitely holy God who by His very essence cannot be
understood. Understanding His character gives us a hope, a faith that no matter
what happens; His love is deeper than the ocean. No circumstance can change who
He is or the extent of His love. If we only had an eternal perspective how much
more life would make sense. God has a way of reminding us of the truth in the
most unlikely of places, namely from the lips of a six year old boy.

My boy Silas asked innocently why I was crying. I told him,
“Well Buddy, today is a sad day.” Without hesitation he said, “If you change
what you’re thinking about, then you’ll be happy.” Even at six years old he
instinctively knew that our feelings are controlled by our thinking. It was a
profound moment as that little boy’s words sunk deep down in my spirit.

So I took my six year old boy’s advice... I thought about
heaven and my brother who passed five years ago, Mike. I pictured Hannah with my
nephew Sean playing together. I pictured paradise, laughing and unspeakable
joy. I could almost hear the angelic music as I imagined the party atmosphere.
I pictured Mike throwing the kids up in the air and I heard his laugh that I
miss hearing so much. I envisioned only kind words, peace and everything
eternal and forever. No end, no tragedies, no anxiety or stress. This is the
true reality. This heart wrenching moment in our fleeting lives seems like the
reality, but Christ calls us to faith in the unseen. In the interim where pain
and death abide we must be like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. We must walk
through the fiery furnace and not be consumed- all because of that fourth man,
our only hope, Christ Jesus our Savior and deliverer.

I won’t pretend to know the feeling of losing my baby. The
pain must be unimaginable. All I can do is cling to the promises of God. In
times of despair preach to myself the truth that He loves us and He sticks
closer than a brother. He died for us and will never leave us or forsake us. He
identifies with us and loves our children more than we ever could. We will
spend forever in heaven because of what Christ did for us. Heaven is the
greatest reunion, the happiest, most joyous celebration that will never end.

With all that we know, with all the promises of God afresh
in my spirit- my heart is still bruised and battered for our family. Sad that
we won’t see Hannah’s bright beautiful eyes or hear her sweet little giggles
this side of heaven. We won’t see her brother, Logan hold or try and feed his baby sister.
Her purple butterfly room will remain empty and quiet and there will be tears, aches
and pains of the deepest kind.

One day we’ll see her again and envy her life that she got
to spend every moment with her Creator living in absolute beauty and
perfection. Until then, we will continue to miss her. God help us to treasure
and protect the hope that we will inevitably forget to have in moments of
misery. God we need you now to help us remember your words, help us to hold
fast the truth, and help us to trust in what we cannot see to set us free in this
fiery furnace- believing in Immanuel, God-with-us.