Ryan Lochte Robbery Lie: The Reaction From the Angry Mob

American swimmer Ryan Lochte has said and done some stupid things. We’re fortunate enough to live in a world where we can enjoy moments such as these. But up until this point, none of those actions had been the catalyst for an international incident — until now. According to Lochte, while returning to Olympic Village early Sunday morning in a taxi, he and three teammates were robbed at gunpoint by criminals posing as police officers. While speaking with NBC’s Today show, the decorated Olympian recounted the event as follows:

We got pulled over, in the taxi, and these guys came out with a badge, a police badge, no lights, no nothing — just a police badge — and they pulled us over. They pulled out their guns, they told the other swimmers to get down on the ground — they got down on the ground. I refused, I was like we didn’t do anything wrong, so — I’m not getting down on the ground.

And then the guy pulled out his gun, he cocked it, put it to my forehead and he said, “Get down,” and I put my hands up, I was like “whatever.” He took our money, he took my wallet — he left my cellphone, he left my credentials.

This story is so crazy. It’s almost as if it was made up. Which, we now know, it was. That’s right, folks. Lochte and his teammates were not robbed at gunpoint. Not even close. After being pulled off a plane that was bound for the United States, American swimmers Jack Conger and Gunnar Bentz told the police that the story was fabricated.

In reality, the swimmers stopped at a gas station, broke down a locked bathroom door, got in an argument with a security guard, and eventually paid the gas station manager an unspecified amount of money for the damages. Best of all — well, not if you’re Lochte — the bulk of this incident was caught on a security camera. Busted.

As you can imagine, folks on social media are none too happy about this flat-out lie. Take a look and see for yourselves.

1. Everyone needs a great nickname

Someone on Twitter referred to Ryan Lochte as “Swim Shady” which is so brilliant. I hope it catches on.

Catchphrases likes “Jeah” are all well and good, but it takes true greatness to earn a nickname. With this latest debacle, Lochte has proven himself worthy of such an honor. The good people on Twitter have spoken; from this point forward, he will now be referred to as “Swim Shady.” Will the real “Swim Shady” please stand up? We’re looking at you, Ryan. Jeah, you.

2. This just took an interesting turn

If Manti Te’o’s girlfriend was there, then this story has to be true, right? That girl has never lied about anything before in her life. Well, except, of course, for her existence. But that’s all in the past. This time, she means it.

3. All in favor?

There is nothing wrong with dubbing this scandal “LochteGate.” It makes perfect sense. Whenever something goes awry, you know a “gate” is sure to follow. But this sort of moment deserves a more creative spin. With this fabricated story, Lochte has created an absolute monster — a “LochMess” monster. It’s time for us to give this scandal the nickname it so rightfully deserves. All in favor?

4. A video of what really happened

While it’s hard to refute with the video footage from that night in Rio, we have to believe the gas station incident looked a little more like this. Just a couple of bros, messing around, having a good time, and spraying each other with gasoline. How were they supposed to know this whole incident was going to blow up in their faces? But why male swimmers?

5. Later, losers…

While Lochte’s “co-conspirators” were getting pulled off the plan as they attempted to leave Rio, our favorite bro was already safe and sound in the good old United States of America, obviously. There’s a moral to this story, ladies and gentlemen: When you know you’re about to get exposed for lying to authorities about a robbery at gunpoint, make sure to leave your friends behind and catch the early flight home. Clearly, Michael Scott has the right idea.

6. Now we have to believe him, right?

You don’t want to believe Manti Te’o’s girlfriend’s version of the story? That’s fine; that’s your choice. But there’s no way you could possibly doubt Brian Williams’ account of what happened. The man is as truthful as they come. He would never fabricate a story for his own personal gain. That’s awful. Who would do such a thing?

7. Too soon, bro (just kidding)

The sad thing for Ryan Lochte is that Michael Phelps also assaulted a security guard and faked a robbery in half the time.

For the record, no one is actually claiming that Phelps assaulted a security guard and faked a robbery. This is just a reminder that he is a better, faster, and more decorated swimmer than Lochte. Therefore, if Phelps ever felt the need to get himself into a “LochMess,” he could probably do it much quicker than his American teammate. Because, you know, that’s how it usually plays out in the pool.

8. What? Huh, robbery? Who said something about a robbery?

The moment you realize the jig is up, there’s only one thing left to do: Knock over a pitcher of water and get the hell out of there. Anyone who’s ever watched Chappelle’s Show knows this to be true. Something tells us Lochte is one of those people. He was out of Rio faster than you can say, “Oil?”