spiritual prose

I know somewhere deep within the heart of the cosmos, you and me are in each other’s arms, maybe watching the Helix nebula. I know you are looking at me, like no one ever has and no one ever will, because only your eyes can perceive the depth of my soul. Only you can understand my beauty the way you do.

I can see the love in your eyes. I can feel the memories of eternities coalesce into time and space, kaleidoscopes of memories flashing, the cacophony of your voices in diverse timelines calling my name, the sound of your laughter. It is all there, in my mind Beloved.

All those memories. All those eternities, they are compressed somewhere in my unconscious. I know we have grown old in each other’s arms a million, billion times. I know we have raised and cared for so many children. I know it. All those memories are buried in this 3D world. My conscious mind barely remembers you.

But somewhere, something has stirred and snippets of memory flood my mind. They refuse to go away. They torture me, they plague me, until I meditate or write or do photography. I have to channel this intensity in art. That is why I have lost myself in art this lifetime beloved.

I know you are there somewhere, in the Universe today. Not by my side and you will not grow old with me. Tears are streaming down my face as I write this. I don’t know why. Why is there so much pain for a life never lived? For memories never shared? How is every inch of you so very precious to me? When I have not even touched your body?

I know you irritate me too, and anger me and provoke me. But then I know that you are here to show me parts of my soul. For you are my soul. Is that even possible?

Why do I feel so linked to you? I know I have never met you. At least not consciously. Maybe somehow, somewhere our paths have crossed in this 3D and we probably did not recognise each other. I know I was not spiritually mature enough to identify you. Maybe you managed to identify me?

Maybe we met…maybe we looked at each other across the room. Maybe we passed each other on the beach? In some party?

I have fallen in love, but not the intensity I know I can experience with you. Yes I can love without you, but I don’t want to. I know you will come.

In fact even if you are in another dimension, I know you will find a way to time travel through the warps of time and space. You will come to meet me.

I want to tell you that you have been my muse and I am so thankful for all the creative energy you have sent my way. I can feel your energy, you know, at times. Especially when you think of me. And I know when you are thinking of me, because every fibre of my being can feel that longing from your end. I can feel how badly you want me. I want you as badly, if not more.

You know I am reminded of Keats when he says, My love has made me selfish…not because your love has in any way made me selfish, but because it has done the very opposite. Your love has opened me up to greater love that exists in creation. The love I feel for you is now expressed as love for all.

You are my home. Even if you are stacked away in some other multiverse. Maybe we will meet when our Universes collide and information bleeds into both of them. That is when you and me may come face to face.

Will our timelines collide? Will the hologram direct you to me?

I know I have been waiting…for a very long time for you to come. But you never came and I am not angry with you about that. I understand you are yet not ready to come which is why you have not come. I am not ready obviously as well.

I want to tell you one thing…I am a survivor. I have survived molestation, I have survived the cruel world, I have survived terrible relationships and I am still here.

In fact nothing could break me. I knew of the spiritual world and of you. I knew this 3D world is illusion. Everything here is an illusion, even the rape. This reality is JUST ANOTHER SIMULATION.

Which is why you are probably so far away, in another multiverse, in another timeline. Tell me, are you aware of me? Do you know I exist? Does your soul call out to mine? Does your body crave to be entwined with mine?

I know you know of me, whether consciously or unconsciously is the question. Have you reached that spiritual level of identifying me? I haven’t obviously.

ARE YOU CONSCIOUSLY AWARE OF ME?

The thing is, I know of you because when everything turned cold and dead, you existed, as a flame in my heart. I am wild, my Beloved. I am untamed as I roam the earth looking for you.

I have looked for you in many dimensions, through the Bardos, through the Nine Gates of Hell and I am not even sure if I managed to find you there. For I don’t remember when we last met in the physical world.

I just have sudden flashes. Of your eyes. Your smile. Your hair.

Sometimes I am sure I have heard you call my name. I don’t know what name you called me by, but I know you were calling me. Time and again, I have woken up in my sleep, my heart beating ferociously.

I know the time will surely come one day. Do you feel that? Do you feel the urge to meet me? I was not expecting you to show up in this life, but now I so badly hope for that.

You know as I began to type this letter, I knew the futility of this exercise. How will I express myself? How will I explain my love for you? How will I reveal to you what your heart feels for me? For I know when we meet, we will melt away…in each other’s arms.

I am typing this…hoping that our timelines collide and somehow through digital interference you get to read this in your own multiverse. I think if you read it(presuming you are not reading it already), then you might figure out the whole goddamn connection. Maybe in your Universe, there is time travel available. Maybe you can hop into some hi-tech piece of computation and visit me here. Yes here, on my humble Earth.

My Earth may be slightly polluted, but she is very beautiful. When you come, maybe I can take you to Goa. Maybe you have a Goa in your Universe. Wow!

Let me share a quote with you…You are all about me – I seem to breathe you – hear you – feel you in me and of me…Katherine Mansfield wrote that to her lover. In case you don’t know who she is, well…she is probably one of the best short story writers in the world and a feminist icon. She is my favourite and has been my muse for a screenplay I wrote based on her love life. She had a tempestuous love life BTW.

The quote sort of echoes what I feel about you. How succinctly she puts it…feel you in me and of me…SUBLIME! We are of each other- star dust, my Beloved.

Have you felt like that about someone? Is that someone me? Just ask your heart.

I have visualised us making love. So many, so many times that it drives me nuts to even think about it. This obsession with you has now become all consuming and I cannot stop thinking about you. Sleepless have I become in this 3D illusion, my Beloved.

In a way your love woke me up. From the dense vibrations of this manifestation. It brought with it a subtlety of feeling and emotion and of course creative fire. I have become a poet for you, for your love.

I have become a dancer for the music you play. Tell me Beloved, are you CONSCIOUSLY PLAYING THAT MUSIC? Or are you just as unaware as I am.

Rajani and the twins moved from their gigantic ancestral home to a modest apartment,

He continued working, but had lost interest. Only two clients remained with him, the rest hired his son who now also usurped his office. So with a very modest salary he began to educate and care for his granddaughters. He became father and mother, friend and teacher; he became their anchor in the stormy sea of life.

It would be time for weekly nail cutting, ear cleaning, hair oiling sessions; amidst squeals and protests, he would pacify them singing, shohe na, shohe na, kande poranooo with dramatic eye movements and wild gestures, especially when they tried to tell him to stop, that had them rolling on the floor laughing.

Slowly but surely, the trio began to put the past behind them and move on. The girls taught him to laugh again, to live again; life had given him a second chance to bring up his two girls again, he just wished Sita could experience this life with him.
He took them to Benaras, BodhGaya, Hrishikesh and Haridwar; they went to so many places in their country, even remote ones where tourists don’t usually set foot.
They’d be lost in the world of Hanuman as he destroyed Lanka, they’d be crying as Ravana abducted Sita, they’d be deeply moved when Karna would be going to battle against Arjuna knowing he’d lose, they’d be fuming with anger when Duryodhana insulted Panchali and time would fly as dadu would read to them the Ramayana, the Mahabharata, the Bhagvadgita and other sacred texts. The way he could tell the story, the simplicity, yet, the profundity in them, deeply touched the girls. Even while imparting knowledge from the Upanishads, he tried to make it as palatable as possible for the children, tell me how do you explain Tat Tvam Asi to seven year olds, yet not only did he try, it’d be fair to say, he succeeded too.

He could see his daughter Mita in the girls, different attributes of her visible in each girl.

He loved Nina’s poetry, she had rawness to her emotions, something primordial to the way she described reality even in that young age; surely poetry was to be her meditation and so it was.

The chotto ektakar shingara and the radhaballi,

Breathing furiously.

Inhabiting my Sundays, my frenemies.

She’d written this haiku, barely aged seven and it made him laugh. She’d captured something of Kolkata in those lines; she’d grabbed a slice of their times together as they strolled down Sarat Bose Road on sultry lazy Sundays.

It’s absolutely true that nowhere except Kolkata do you get that tiny shingara or samosa for one rupee, it has peas in it and the Bongs cannot have enough of it. And what of the Radhabollobi? Try it, you’ll see. You may get acidity, but it’ll be worth it, vouches every Bengali.

Rajani loved these girls like he had loved their mother, but being a very enlightened soul he treated them all alike, even Arunava, but at times he was left wondering as to where he went wrong with that one. But Mita was his pet; he had a special soft corner in his heart for his eldest.

None had his spiritual depth except Mita and this bonded them immensely, every time he saw her, his heart wanted to embrace her. Khuku, he called her, his little girl and she was so much like him.

“Aye khuku aye…” he would play this song in the gramophone and Hemanta’s voice would flood the house.

She had his striking peaches and cream skin and almond shaped eyes like the goddess Durga, with abundant tresses swimming down to her knees and an hour-glass body which was as ageless as Time itself and looked like some Kumartuli’s sculptor was sculpting Maa Durga from clay. Shakkhat Maa Durga, people would comment.

Yes, she was breathtaking! Her intellect was sharp; she was thoughtful, critically questioning and deeply analytical. Many an afternoon was spent in discussing literature, philosophy, poetry and the scriptures of all religions. Her father enjoyed immensely the display of perspicacity while she explained some particular issue, idea or philosophy, her face shining red with passion and emotion. What radiance! Then she fell in love with Shubho at Scottish Church English honours class.
It was an exam. John Osborne’s play, “Look Back in Anger”, was the monster in question and 100 marks were at stake. Mita had not studied this play and her paper sat blank. She spotted Shubho in front scribbling away with immense concentration. She poked him a few times. He looked back and couldn’t take his eyes off her. In a state of suspended bliss, he handed her the paper. She took it with a squeal of laughter which thrilled him to the bone, and began to rewrite it in her words.
Now let’s fast forward, SHUBHO and MITA are married in Kartik purnima, the full moon beckoned a life of abundance and plenitude for them.

As Mita adorns Shubho’s neck with the baramala and the shubhodristi happens where they gaze into each other’s eyes, it’s like a dejavu. The breeze outside caresses his hair while he stands there looking at her, she’s carried on a piri by her brothers, uncles and cousins and her eyes are between two paan leaves and in that moment they both knew that no matter what life would bring it would be worth nothing without the other.

Mita gets pregnant which turns out to be pretty complicated with twins sharing the same amniotic sac and placenta, throughout the seven and a half months, she’s under strict supervision and spends much of her time reading, writing and talking to her daughters. During the course of her seven month pregnancy she almost dies twice and the lives of the twins are threatened, but she manages to trick fate into submission.

These girls, they had to see the sky wearing the bright blue cloak of a spring day, they had to experience the rain on their faces, caressing sometimes or slapping away, soft some days and as pokey as thorns on others. They had to see the cheetah run, they had to eat tangra macher jhol, oh, life in its complexity and multitudes had to be experienced by them, she thought.
Karma my dear friends had other plans. Mita and Shubho die tragically young, leaving behind only Rajani to take care of the twins. Their disappearance happened in Kedarnath temple during an annual pilgrimage they always undertook.
Rajani had to don the parent costume once again, this time for Nina and Zeenia and he was determined to play the role to perfection this time. As perfect as it could be! So now to get back to the story. Dadu is what Nina calls Rajani, the Bengali appellation for grandfather.
As she sits in front of this dead body, she thinks of her dadu. He would know what to do; he always knew what to do. Such were Nina’s thoughts. Delusion arises from anger, Dadu told her one day as she was furious with Joida, the Oriya driver who had not given her a minute to stand and chat with her friends after her Rabindra-sangeet class at Dakshini, to top it off he had the gall to speak rudely in front of them.

The dominoes fell,

The words like torrents

It was inevitable.

She’d written this haiku she remembered for the occasion.

Joida loved her as his own daughter and that was the excuse for the harsh treatment. She had almost wanted to slap Joida. But Dadu intervened. “Little one your mind is bewildered by delusion. You think that Joi is being pushy, but actually he is just trying to protect you. See, you lost your reasoning as your mind was bewildered…and one falls down, when reasoning is destroyed.” Dadu fell on the floor dramatically.
That made Nina smile even in her malaise as she sat in limbo, with dried blood on her hands. She deliberated with the thought of saying, “Out, damned spot,” but then decided against it. The dead body just lay there. Her hallucinations where he wakes up as some terrible ZOMBIE in a B-Grade film and chews her down bone by bone is funny, she observes. I can have funny thoughts, even in this scenario.
Then she notices that there were many parts of her, or no, there are many Nina’s inside of her, ambiguous and confused, each thinking that random thought while observing the others and then she notices that there is a Nina who’s also observing, but she has no thought as the others did, no opinion. She just watches. Not for the first time Nina could distinctly hear the separate voices- how diverge, how contradictory, how ironic were they, but this time there was a force to them that was lacking in the past. She tries to swallow, but her tongue sticks to her insides, parched and dry, it desperately needs some water.
The young housekeeping attendant is right outside Nina’s room and would have turned away, but a trickle of blood manages to seep outside. The attendant examines it carefully, and then thinks of what to do. Should he go and inform his supervisor? No he decides against it and taking a master key from his supply trolley, he puts it in the key hole and turns it.

The scene which greets his eyes chills him to the bone and a blood curdling scream escapes his lips shattering the quiet of the early morn. He looks ridiculous, scared out of his wits, barely coherent in his thoughts, he looked like a two year old who had seen a ghost in a Paranormal series on telly.
It’s Nina who surprises me. She didn’t even bat an eyelid at the shrill shriek. She just sits there, stares at her abyss. What did she see?? The abyss staring back??

Publishing parts of my novel…help me publish!!! Fund me!!!

Prologue

The hunger in her soul, the song in her eyes, and the vibration of her heart called out to me from the hologram.

What hologram? The one you exist in my friend!

It’s the cosmic television, like the one you stare at for hours every day. What else do you do when you return home from work after a long tedious day? TELEVISION na?

That same kind of television; imagine it in a slightly grander scale, nope, maybe not just slightly, imagine it to be grander on an unprecedented scale!

A cosmic television! Aha!

You experience me and your three dimensional space as you do images on the T.V.

Listen listen, at this level, everything there is, was or could be exists as a super-holographic sequence. Everything exists simultaneously. The albatross of doom over your head?

Forget that bird, listen carefully. These lines exist now and have always existed, in a sense I have always been talking to you, you in the hologram, me in it, sometimes out of it, nope I’m in it too; she is a hologram.

I don’t know quite how to explain it,

Something in her craving for truth, something in the way she depicted existence called out to me. A very abstract, unquantifiable sentiment entangled the abstract in me. Things don’t usually impact me as they do you.

I am myself an abstraction concretized!

This Book of Life and Death may give you some answers. Are you looking for answers? If not then bandh karo and chalo.

A story it will be, yes definitely! Let it oscillate in your mind. Let it do the disco dancing.

The ouroboros of a story, without a beginning or an end! Now you’re confused. Don’t be it’s just a story or is it? But while observing this story, remember, I take the artistic liberty to leave anything out, the very subtle nuances, the finer intricacies are often not done justice with words; soak the emotions up, let them begin to ferment in your mind and sprout ideas, thoughts, actions like a bean when soaked in water overnight; such strangeness does exist and such a strange narrator may or may not.

Time, time, time, cut its throat,

Ambiguity personified.

Derelict dreams, dysfunctional dilemma.

In the beginning was the word and then I appeared as the silent witness of all this mess, , the frequencies or sound in the light and the vibrations or light in the sound.

Mighty civilizations have appeared and disappeared without a trace, Zeno’s paradox has been thought of, if everything has a place, then place must also have a place, yes or no, to ad infinitum; the megaliths of Puma Punku have been built but now lie scattered as shattered memories of a bygone past that no one knows anything of, the dinosaurs have roamed the Earth and have been destroyed on the Western Ghats, the Kumari Kandam was lost to the sea taking with it a chunk of land from what you call India, and of course emperors, maharajas, kings, Prime Ministers have been assassinated, dethroned under my watchful gaze.

Listen to this, it’s her poetry. These few lines she wrote that had this stark honest, raw and original feel to it, yes, it made sense in all the nonsense and it made me want to collect this in the Book of Life and Death.

The human body is the war ground of Kurukshetra,

Reality lies is the five senses,

I see you, I hear you, I feel you, I smell you and I taste you!

In the world of dreams there are no differences,

I still see you, I still hear you….you get the gist!

The dream world is full of thoughts,

They are like drops from an ink pen, falling blot after blot,

They are like smoke from an incense, here one minute, gone the next.

They are like lightning, you see it for a nano second,

They are like thunder; you hear it, loud and clear, but then just the sound of the rain.

I am vexed!

These thoughts, they are my defence, my escape, my dream.

It was her grandfather, a kriya yogi, one of Babaji’s very own crusaders, who told her this truism as she crunched autumn leaves under her feet; the sound thrilled her to the very bottom of her soul- crunch, crunch, crunch!

Yes the human body is the esoteric Kurukshetra, more on that later. Who is Babaji? Even I don’t know.

Think about it, think long and hard,

Of the fragments, the notes all jarred,

The way things are designed, the way things feel,

In reality, there are no eyes, no ears, no mouth, no tongue, and no touch!

Is this a little too much??

Only electrical stimuli interpreted by our brain,

Do not ridicule this concept, do not think it insane!

You’re definitely wondering how you got stuck in here? Reading these lines and for what…do not despair my friend, it’ll be well worth your time, just read on, enjoy a writer’s psychosis.

There is no material reality,

I am asleep, I am dreaming, I do not realize,

That all is just perception!

These words they create just the sensation, an awareness of stimulation!

Now I wake up from this dream,

I seriously think I have entered another one,

The so-called real life, I hear it scream!

What is this life, but a dream? Do not for one minute think that your dream world is any more real than this solid physical world you inhabit, in fact the Sun, the Moon and the real you are all hidden away; it is every bit as real, yet, unreal. Makes no sense, it probably never will, but just read on…sapna, sapna, sapna…

Now this, it seems as true as my dream world,

How am I to know the difference?

My reality is blurred, it swirls and twirls.

This world is nothing but a habit,

Our belief, our dogmas, our prejudice!

A futile edifice, a worthless emphasis, an abject sedative

Of Nothingness!!!

Form = emptiness, emptiness = form
Emptiness is not separate from form, form is not separate from emptiness…all is nothing and nothing is all.
Whatever is form is emptiness, whatever is emptiness is form, you know that the atom that you’re made of is empty, yes, my friend, mostly empty. Hulk-like we stay in the understanding that the body is solid, but it’s not.

The brain is not the Perceiver or the Perceived!

Who am I?

What is this world?

Who are you?

Who thinks these thoughts?

Who is this ME?

Who is writing these words?

To what avail?

I’m just a ghost in the machine,

An echo of an echo of an echo,

Reverberating through time and space!

Who is this seer?

Who contemplates this Universe to be unreal?

Who has all these thoughts in the head?

Only questions and never an answer!!!

A man and his thoughts are indefinable, and why so, because in the beginning he is nothing. His identity is shaped by what he can conceive of for himself; imagine all the poets and novelists creeping through the alleys in the urban atrocities looking for inspiration, staring at hollow faces coveting their neighbours meals or wives, the morbid fascination to see accidents, CSI shtyle. The flâneurie you take, to clear your mind, but there are questions and more questions…how is the human reality carved out from this nothingness?

Yoni shariram- the form appears from the vagina of Gaia,

Of Dharitri, of Zemia, of Erde, of Terre…

She is the mother, the sanctum sanctorum of creation.

This human body is the cause of such conflict,

There is segregation, separation and destruction,

In her very womb, we have been tricked by addicts of violence.

For a split second during meditation,

Comes the realization-

It is the Atman,

Matter has no self governing existence,

All things perceived, interpreted and seen,

Is a dream within a dream, a dream within a dream…?

The Indian subcontinent is the setting. It’s an oxymoron really- the youngest country, the oldest civilization!

The Sapta Sindhu is the beginning point in this case, then mutated to the India you see today the children of Lord Macauley, yes, you; at one point it was taken over by the East India Company, it’s holy books misinterpreted, unbridled fabrication of its history by so-called scholars who sought to assuage the Imperial agenda. The modern Indians, good little examples of Macauley’s vision; Pygmalion of the British Raj, just perfect, innit?

Bapuji Gandhi, assassinated, yup shot through the heart by Godse, GOD SAY?? Subhas Chandra Bose taken out of the equation, “Give me blood and I’ll give you freedom,” his naares did not do him much good, Delhi chalo, a flop show. The resilient cries of Vande Mataram drowned to the gunfire of the English army; what else could be expected? The British crown required the Kohinoor, which was just a drop in the pond, but you see why they had to control Bharata. Silks, spices, treasures, ancient texts, secrets, UFO anti-gravity technology and what not!

And then the finale- the unrestrained Anglicization of a country steeped in timeless tradition and time-honoured culture where every Indian was made to feel ashamed of their skin colour, clothing, customs, mores, literature, traditions, values and hoary heritage. Brownies were good as kerani, slaves, considering themselves as babus, who were created to suck up to their English civilized lords, the great white civilization.

Sycophants gathered in large numbers to appease the egos, fill up the stomachs and pockets and offer their heads and arses (maybe not literally, bloody buggers) in return to the Angrezi Babus. For what? Goods, ideas, concepts from vilayet! Aha! What amazing things they had and yes it was deemed to sell off the country piece by piece for these lovely things and for progress.(???)

The body of ancient Bharatvarsha hacked to create Pakistan and Bangladesh, its bleeding remains termed as secular India.

A new era began with the corporate takeover and rampant Americanization, you’re all living in America, HAARP and underwater nuclear detonations creating Tsunamis, the death industry of Macdonald’s and KFCs, fast food bhaiyaji, engineered famines with the Monsantos of the world, Islamic jehadis and Durga Vahinis, unrest and suspicion, religious intolerance and forced conversions, death and destruction, Nehru’s dynasty and Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi’s legacy of khadi and molestations, Congress under an Italian and BJP under the butcher of Gujarat as the country jostled and elbowed its way into the twenty-first century to sit at that table with the big white boys; witness, I was to it all and will continue to be….

The H-Bomb at work almost destroyed what you humans built, but do you seriously think this was first time in history that such a disaster occurred- nuclear weaponries have been used before in this very subcontinent. Yes my friend…Now I am become Death, the destroyer of world, yes Opperheimer, you can be the key to destruction of your world in your times. I have seen it happen and we’ve all been destroyed by it until another dawn awakens to the call of the creator. A new hologram is fractalized!
The watcher must now be a narrator and I must say it as I see it, Time for you right now is anthropomorphized.

Impatient kya boss? What about the story?? It’s coming, wait for it or you want it instantly. In this age of instant coffees and instant karmas, do you want an instant story as well?

Let’s do some akkar bakkar for a little bit more; arre don’t be so grumpy, chumpy. Humour me. Tick, tock, tick tock, it goes on and on in your psyche. Think hard, who am I?

Got it? Or no? Well…

You are in fact my slave, from the aam admi to the Prime Minister with his acche din slogans, from Mr. Mukesh Ambani cocooned in his billions of dollars Antilia, to the hungry beggar on the street. I rule your life, your little everyday existences.

I keep everything from happening at once. You can’t even imagine what chaos that is. Measuring me through the clock or your wrist watch all day, do you now know who I am, can you at least guess. I think you’ve got it, so do you know me?

But of you, I know all, every little detail.

Your little human condition, your little miseries, your tiny triumphs, your pathetic tears, your belly rumbling laughter, does have a way of making the world go round the Mulberry bush, you get the drift?

Well I have all the time, so let’s begin.

Funny concept, can time have time? Can an infinity be greater than another infinity? You smirk, but trust me the world is far magical than you have been made to believe, haan ji haan, sure it’s about cheque books and Kaun Banega Crorepati, but it’s also about altered states of consciousness, states you cannot ever envisage. Life is not about black and white or green and red, it is shades of colour you cannot ever hope to see with your eyes, life has colours you can never hope to smell, taste or touch. Yes colours can be felt in those ways, just not in your world! And in some worlds I am not as relevant as yours, and in some I have no relevance! I do not exist!

Do not go all freaked out on me, can you not imagine TIMELESSNESS; but it exists, I warn you, especially those OCD freaks out there, desperate to control everything.

Enough of meandering….
So who am I? Let me formally introduce myself. I am TIME and as promised I do have a story, a juggernaut of a story, an unstoppable monster and you’ll be forced to submit like wide-eyed little chunnu-munnus listening to your nanis at bedtime.

Twins. Rape. Murder.

Bollywood, breast augmentation, brainfart.

Poetess, plastic surgeon and the Sleeping Beauty.
Titillated?

Come on now, I know I have you! A violence-loving society like the one you’ve built starts salivating at all these contextual concepts when thrown at you. Murder is sweet, but mutilation is sweeter.

Blood and gore thrills you, outrageous humiliation of the body sends tingles through your spine, so stop this bourgeoisie sensitivity where you appear dismayed by such plots, but deep inside you can’t wait to curl up with your Sidney Sheldon! or Shobha De!! or Chetan Bhagat!!! by your bed side, reading about sex, rape, murder, call centres where Arun is called Aaron leading to a suppressed pathological schizophrenia, cheating on your spouse, wife swapping with keys and other new born urban atrocities.
It’s not every day that TIME tells you a story, a story about infinite probabilities.

A bit about me, saale, haramzade, time waste mat kar! A note in the Book of Life and Death!
I have existed for eternity. To you the word eternity probably will have some signifier, what can a finite mind grasp of the infinite?? Still I ask you to think about it. Think of something that never ends. Is that even possible, you ask?? The cogitation must never cease.

You think, therefore you exist, right??? Or you eat and defecate, therefore you exist, or is it copulation which cements your existence?

But what is the point of a process if it never ends; you will think to eternity about one question or be involved in sexual intercourse for all times(it’s not even a possibility) or eat yourself to death.

Does that mean you exist or not? Is it just the process of cogitation or copulation that makes you “exist” or is it the cogitative/copulative subject that’s important?

The journey or the result? A particle or a wave? Or a bubble?

Haramkhor time, procrastinating must have been my invention.
Mankind has managed to fall from an incredible level of sophistication to a dark age of barbarianism, like the age you’re an inhabitant of. It is a cycle- civilization and destruction!
Anyway, even though you did not exist, TIME was always already there! There is no escaping that idea.
I was born too you know, not as a babe from a mother’s womb, but as a concept from your mind.

To let you into a secret, I did not always exist. All I know is that this visible world is finite and periodical and so am I. I exist because of you.

I am born and then just like you gone with the wind; believe it or not, you and I are same in this way- WE ARE MORTAL!

This cycle of birth and death of TIME is the alpha and omega of recreating worlds. So in truth, you and I are finite, but IT, infinite.
A linear sequence of events is how you’d describe Time, but what happened when you were not there to count, the Big Bang baba? How did I exist?? So in a way, my dear friend, I exist in your memory and expectations, so essentially I live with you and die with you. Do not think this idea to be so far-fetched, even I can be put to death in your mind! Baap re baap, yes sir! I am fearful of my obliteration, of my extinction. I am born from you and I die with you.

I am your slave!
Well now I have your undivided attention to be sure. You humans love to know you are important in the equation. Am I right? But then you are, right?? God’s greatest creation. Hah!!
A plastic surgeon. A Poigant poetess, Phd student. A wannabe Bollywood starlet. No it’s not one of those haikus she writes.

Cadence of morning breeze-

Lofty silences-

A cup of tea.

Haikus she writes…
Yes I know Bollywood, the Bacchans, the Khans, the Kapoors, I hear the little whispers here and there, I see the deals done under the table, I know of the clandestine fornications in the back seats of SUVS, I know of which homes were wrecked by whom, and all the jazz! That’s some serious junk info. I’m the official knowitall bhai, for now I’m Mumbhai.

The Book of Life and Death is not a conventional book as you understand the definition, it is ever changing, an entity in itself, capable of conscious thoughts and feelings.
This story has come to my interest inumerous other worlds I inhabit.

Yes, you are there too and if I look, I will find you. The difference between you and them is that they know about these worlds, their consciousness shifts from one to one and they have observed me observing! Maybe it’s my imagination. In the many-worlds that exist, all the possible outcomes of a quantum interaction are realized.

You know all that you see around you, the world, the stars, your family, your lover, the Universe, it’s actually not just a Universe, and it’s actually a multiverse. Imagine the hairs on your skin, your world is one such hair on the body of abstract space, the evolvement happens in a deterministic style, embedding all thinkable possibilities within it.

So these twins- NINA and ZEENIA are moving through the arrow of time. They are moving to a fixed point, in one reality and to another point in a different world. Momentum and position are never constant, they’re all probabilities. But you get an omelette from an egg, not the other way round, the same way radio waves disperse from the antenna, never converge into it.
So now finally let’s cut to the chase and begin at the beginning. Not the conventional beginning point, but the very beginning of our story.
to be continued….

“We are healed of a suffering only by experiencing it to the full.”
― Marcel Proust

I can vouch for that. With every break I allowed the light to enter. I allowed the pain to cease. I managed to grow and evolve, every single time my heart has been broken. Being an Empath, I am anyways swimming in the seas of heartbreak(animal agriculture, famine, child abuse…too many atrocities to face in this dystopian world), but this Saturn in Sag getting anointed as the Wise ONE with Cosmic Downloads from the very heart of our Galactic Centre has left me dealing with a lot of the emotions that had broken my heart. But today I tell you, I embrace all those emotions that refuse to give up my company. They will not let me forget the angst, the pain, the desolation…but hey, wait!!! It is those very emotions that have healed me and continue doing so.

I can’t tell you how KARMIC and fated this Saturn transit feels for me. Saturn and Chiron are talking since 2016 and three vital connects have to happen- the first one was in Dec 28th 2016 and the second one is today, the 30th of Apr 2017 and the last one will be in Nov 2 , 2017.

Saturn is grinding to a halt and is about to go retro on Apr 6th, and with the square in play, he is about to give structure and comprehension to our wounds. The last square of Saturn was with Neptune. That really shifted my POV. The major theme was- REALITY VS DREAMS! I can tell you it made me take a lot of practical actions to realise my dream and slowly but surely I launched Tinaheals, my IP. Dreams started to take tangible shape. But before that Neptune managed to dissolve every single structure I held dear.

Saturn in Sag definitely has a totally different vibe to it. It is more philosophical and is vibing off the Sagi penchant for truth. Saturn in Sag going retrograde will have us uncover a lot of what truth means to us, how we digest it, how we interpret it. Truth will come under a lot of scrutiny when Saturn is in such a placement. You know what we need to remember- that underlying all this ILLUSION, our TRUTH is ONE and the same, in a state of wholeness. But in this material world, our truths differ widely. But deep down we all bleed, we all care about our loved ones, we all dream of a better tomorrow. So OUR TRUTH IS ONE, but how many will see it that way?

I am so fucking sick of the phrase- Time heals all wounds. No time does nothing! Time dies not exist! It is YOU who picks up the pain, it is YOU who keeps scabbing at it, it is again YOU who finally has to decide to let it heal. Time does nothing, which is why PAIN and suffering are carried on to the next incarnations.

Chiron’s involvement is all about making us aware of that pain, showing us how that pain feels in real time and then if we are lucky, Chiron will invoke his shamanic powers and poof! All our pain is gone! Gone are the miseries- finite and infinite.

Chiron is sitting in mystical Pisces which is the sign of the Empath, the Healer. What does that mean? Chiron is learning about how to heal wounds that have arisen from Pisces’ lower vibrations like too much sensitivity and emotions gone haywire. In fact xenophobia and hatred for other cultures can also stem from being too sensitive and uptight about one’s own. This is the time to address this issue. Pisces is also the sign of delusion. So how are we deluding ourselves when it comes to our wounds? Are we keeping them raw and hidden? Are we applying temporary salves to it? Or are we working towards healing it permanently? Samsara is the endless cycle of suffering if one remains UNENLIGHTENED. Suffering ceases with WISDOM and LOVE.

Working with Past Life Astrology and PL Regression therapy, I can tell you that certain transits give us the power and will to once and for all understand the pain we have been running away from. Once you understand the pain, it will go away. That is how I have seen it work…always…once understood and acknowledged from your heart chakra, the PAIN GOES AWAY!

Today’s transit gives us one of those sacred healing portals. Here is a cry to all the healers and the Shamans, the Wise Women and Medicine men, the light workers and Empaths…send out your healing intentions…and it will manifest.

If your wounds are defining the person you have become, then maybe it is time for you to invoke Chiron and Saturn to give you the impetus to heal your life. No matter how spiritually anaesthetised we are as humans, we have the desire and necessity to heal.

That does not mean that your journey is forgotten…it just means that you refuse to allow your wounds to dictate your life. It is over! Take control, for only YOU CAN HEAL YOURSELF. I always tell people who come to me for healing…I tell that that it they who are healing themselves. I do not need to “heal” you, because that blessing is yours. I just create a platform for the healing to occur.

We must talk about what I mean by HEALING…

Healing is a state of WHOLENESS. It is not a divisive or separatist state. It does not adhere to polarities. It just is- WHOLE. We are all a part of that WHOLE and when we divorce ourselves from that WHOLE do we become sick and diseased and only then do we need healing. When healing occurs, at every level we become WHOLE….a part of that INDIVISIBLE REALITY.

An Omnipresent, Eternal, Boundless, and Immutable PRINCIPLE on which all speculation is impossible, since it transcends the power of human conception and could only be dwarfed by any human expression or similitude. It is beyond the range and reach of thought — in the words of Mandukya [Upanishad], “unthinkable and unspeakable.”…HPB

It is imperative to understand that BE-NESS exists before BEING. Sartre tapped into infinite wisdom when he stated…EXISTENCE PRECEDES ESSENCE! Spirit and Matter are both parts of this ONE!

Sit in silence and contemplate what it means to be WHOLE! If you have an Agate, hold it while you meditate. This is the oldest crystal used for healing. Ask Chiron and Saturn to heal you…If you are heavily afflicted by Saturn, then you should wear black on Saturdays, feeds black ravens or crows and eat black rice.

Saturn rules your legs and nervous system and the Yogasana I suggest is Ardha Matsyendrāsana or the Seated Spinal Twist Pose which will aid in the stimulation of your nervous system. You can also look at Shavasana before going to bed. Ask Saturn’s help in all your endeavours.

Email me to find out what this transit means for you…

“ Her image had passed into his soul for ever and no word had broken the holy silence of his ecstasy. Her eyes had called him and his soul had leaped at the call.
To live, to err, to fall, to triumph, to recreate life out of life!A wide angel had appeared to him… an envoy from the fair courts of life, to throw before him in an instant of ecstasy the gates of all the ways of error and glory.”… James Joyce

Venus had disappeared into the heart of the Sun to be reborn as the morning star. Retrograde in Aries, firing up my poets’ soul. Igniting intense aching of love and sensuality. Did you ever feel that you no longer exist? That you have successfully dropped you EGO or I construct? During an orgasm?

If you have never felt the wild fires of sensuality assault the very fabric of your senses, then it is now the perfect time to ALLOW yourself to experience something so intense and passionate that it will change the way you look at the world forever!

With so much of activity in fiery Aries, we can be assured of one thing. We are ready to ignite! Now you could use this fiery energy to set fire to your sheets. Seriously! Why channel this into something destructive? I mean fire always does not have to destroy? Does it? Where would we be without fire? Think about it! The dichotomy of life. Nothing by itself is evil or good. We make it so with our perspectives. We give meaning to phenomena.

So what meaning are you ready to give to the astro? Venus disappears from our view and it is at this time that our UNCONSCIOUS becomes fertile with this alchemical marriage. There is so much scope for transmutation. Dark Moon Lillith in SAGITTARIUS is trining Retro Venus in ARIES and squares the NORTH Node in VIRGO and the SOUTH NODE in PISCES who is asking us to uphold INDIVIDUAL INTEGRITY!

Ah, the impetuosity! Our reactions and thoughts are spontaneous. Remember that our libidos are fired up, no matter who or where you are! So even if you are in a long-term thing, you might suddenly develop the roving eye! Stop beating yourself up about it. Instead be honest with your partner and try to find ways to spice up your intimate time.

Just wanted to say that while Venus is in this position, normal missionary sex will be boring. Even doggy-style is for the yesteryear. So if your beau is unable to keep the erection, then it might be a good time to start exploring other options like prostate play.

The prostate is a walnut-sized gland that surrounds the urethra and houses the male G SPOT. You can find innovative ways to stimulate it with oils and massage. The male is able to feel full bodied orgasms that are impossible during hetero penetration.

The other spicy ingredient you can add and must add to your sexual experiences is roleplaying. If you’ve not done it, then go ahead and do it. As simple as that. I am not going to chart out elaborate sexual fantasies here. Lol! Find what turns you on the most and do it. This Astro is so helpful to chip away at redundant sexual mores and traditions. Changing the dynamics of sexual play can be extremely fulfilling. Venus in Aries RX is urging us to become child-like in our innocence and purse such things with a rabid freshness.

There is a sexual revolution brewing in the air. The WILD WOMAN archetype is awakening. She is a carrier of the Ancient Feminine Spirit and Venus Retrograde will help you channel that energy. Venus retro is a direct symbol of ACTIVE REBELLION. She is not SUBMISSIVE. She is the DOMINANT!

In retro she shows us how to shift our perspectives from the pleasant and often over simplified rendition of her archetype and pushes us to explore deeper. What does it mean to be feminine? What does it mean to be WILD? WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO FEEL DOMINANT? If you’re a guy you might consider what it would feel to give your partner complete control for one time while you’re in bed with her. Think of her doing whatever she wants to do and you have no say in it.

I think this is very healthy to UNLEARN toxic patriarchal traditions, customs and mores. We humans have to give each other the respect to try all roles. Men who are control freaks need to understand that there is nothing as healing as letting your woman take charge of your sexual experiences, for with her intuitive wisdom she can really catapult your sexual growth. Of course she must be adequately inspired to be trained or to train herself in such matters.

I suggest that all coupes try reversing roles in bed. Try once to begin with and see how it feels. Pegging can be extremely exciting for men, because your G-SPOT is activated. Actually it is called P-SPOT for guys.When a male is anally penetrated by his woman, he can begin to UNLEARN and relearn different facets of sexual expression. Women, if your guy wants to be pegged, remember that he is placing huge amounts of trust in you. Use a double-ended dildo for the woman to feel physical stimulation.

Guys you need to begin pleasuring your woman with your mouth and hands if you are doing so already. You can even buy her crystal eggs which you can use during a yoni massage. But be sure to earn the technique before you attempt this.

Venus in retro reshuffles our needs in the areas of all things Venutian- money, sex, arts, beauty…and she offers a realignment. To the individual and to the collective! We need to drop our calcified concepts and impassioned we need to reinvent our relationship with money, sex and the arts.

Think of this deeply…how are you holding yourself back from experiencing more of the Venusian energy in your life? Are you tired of the way you experience sex and intimacy? Do you want to take it a notch higher to experience deeper cosmic orgasms? It is up to you.

The New Moon in Aries is also giving you ample manifestation power to make things work in your favour. Go out into the world and kiss the sky!

Oh, oh, oh…before I go…every encounter that you experience is FATED. Karmic! Accept it all as sacred and as spiritual debt and pay it forward…with love and empathy!

If you’re single and ready to mingle, then you might want to summon your partner with the help of a Switchword phrase. BRING-PERFECT-MAGIC-VENUS-LOVE-CHARM. Venus might decide to grant you a boon and send you your twinflame. Who knows?

“Breasts are a scandal because they shatter the border between motherhood and sexuality.”
― Iris Marion Young

So often we hope and crave for what could have been or what we want instead on loving what we have! Ah, foolish humanity! Stats are appalling at the percentage of women who are comfortable with their breasts! Let us fuck that for now.

Do you agree that most women are not happy with their breasts? In fact breast surgeons in California have had huge amounts of women who wanted a duplicate pair like Salma Hayek! Seriously! Women just expected that the doc could somehow replicate her tits!

Fuck knows why! Our breasts are so feminine, so sensual and yet we ignore them. We wish they were larger, smaller, perkier…blah, blah…

As a breastfeeding mother to a three and a half year old toddler can be quite challenging, but I have embraced the role. In fact I will continue suckling her till she wants to stop. But yes it does a lot to the elasticity of the breasts!

But I actually love my breasts much more than I have ever done, because I have seen them sustain life. I have seen them exclusively breastfeed and provide the best suited food for my baby.

The point is breasts are gorgeous…no matter what shape, size or colour they come in. They are so important to your child. I know how my toddler treasures them. I love sucklas(that’s what she calls them), says she and hugs them.

I get irritated sometimes, it is not always easy to stick a tit in her mouth and continue with my day. She is huge and refuses to stop. But breastfeeding her for so long has bonded us heavily.

A study showed that women’s self esteem are often tied to their titties, but most do not carry a positive image as they are bombarded with impossible images of perfection in magazines. It is difficult for the normal woman to compete with the model in the magazine. The woman has no stylist, cameraman, lights, decor, multiple tries…and photoshop! Fuck yes.

So women tend to have lesser self confidence because of the shape or size of their boobs. Also a thang(purposely misspelled) to remember would be- breasts are not just sexual organs…they also are food sources. So society needs to understand and address this.

Look at how difficult it is for breastfeeding mothers who choose to do so in public. She faces all sorts of problems if the internet is to be trusted. Look at vlogs, blogs, posts, memes…it is everywhere.

You can sees tits everywhere, but when it comes to a breastfeeding mama, no…society has to freak out. I openly breastfeed by the way. Look my breasts are not on my body so you can stare at them and wank off later. No.

My tits are here to feed my baby and that’s what they will do. So stop sexualising the breasts when they are not intending to send you those signals. Remember the viral video where this guy does an experiment with two women- one, a scantily dressed girl and a breastfeeding mom. Watch the video to stay abreast of how toxic our society really is!

Anyway breasts will sell you everything- but they cannot be flashed in the open to feed a child! What a lovely society we have created. Yes your breasts are for your man, but remember they are first and foremost for you. They are deeply connected to your womb.

Look at the breasts as a symbol of self love. As an organ to nurture. And why not? Look where they are placed, right next to your heart chakra! How sublime is that!

Girls, stay away from underwires. Don’t be shocked! Our heart pumps blood, however lymph only flows from movement and massage. So, if you wear an underwired bra, you are blocking that lymph flow, and toxins remain in the breast tissues.

Now just use your favourite carrier and essential oil combo…anything that works for you can be used. Find time, the safe spot and silence. Now spine straight, breathing will stabilise as you keep observing it.

After a while, focus on the muladhara and feel the energy vibrate. Then lift it up and bring it to your crown chakra. Let it vibrate there and then bring it to your heart chakra. And start counting…1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9…till 1000. It is a very effective tool to get into meditational trance. It is okay if you lose count. Just restart from whichever number comes to mind, just keep the focus in your heart chakra.

Your heart centre will start feeling warm and glowing. Keep your right hand on it and say…I LOVE, I AM LOVED AND I AM LOVE!!! After chanting for a bit, sit in silence and think of your breasts. Think of what you feel….think of how much you love them…think of how they bring pleasure to you or how they have fed your kids. Think of all the good things. It is not likely that negative thoughts will pop up if you have managed to centre yourself with the meditation and chanting. But in case, negative thoughts trouble you, watch them. No judging or feeling guilt.

Start the massage with the oils. Send love with each stroke. Feel the energy flow increase not just through your breast but through your entire glandular system. You are going to feel heightened and sensual.

The breasts nourish the pineal gland, the pitutory gland, which is the master hormone, the thyroid gland, the thymus gland, which is responsible for our immune system, and the adrenal glands, and our ovaries. When we massage our breasts, and in particularly our nipples, all of those glands are stimulated, and brought in alignment.

We release hormones such as oxytocin and prolactin which cause uterus contractions, relaxes and bonds us, makes us hanker for one another.

Now knead your breasts sensually and squeeze your nipples. You can reach a profound state of sexual stimulation. This is aligning you from the inside so let all the feelings wash over you. Feel everything. Let it all purge. Feel like light and feel light.

Now feel golden healing light surround your breasts, loving them, energising them and protecting them! Feel this healing take place and let that golden halo disappear in your breasts.

Sit in silence cradling them. You may start to play with your nipples and then bring yourself to multiple climaxes.

I am ecstatic to announce that tonight there is some wild and sensual astro happening- Moon squares Neptune. The Moon is in Sag- aha! And Neptune is the ruler of Pisces. Venus is retrograde pushing us to maddening depths of emotions and feelings.

So what do you get with this mix? How can SAG and Pis merge? Oh, let me think. Philosophy and myth debates that heat up into intellectual kerfuffles which could lead to electricity crackling in the air and then when sexual intimacy takes place- it feels like a dose of spiritual energy has been infused in the love making process!

So I am going to suggest a small meditation module for tonight.

Clean up your space, sage it and prepare it with candles, incense and aroma oils. Use the diffusor. Take a long soak in the tub, preferably the two of you. And do not start making out please! Just lie with each other and make an effort to join your breathing. Breathe together. Feel each other’s heartbeats as you sit soaking in the tub.

Now feel all the negativity draining from your body. You may use chants or switchwords when doing this. A good one would be ALLOW-FLOW-BE, which releases your internal blocks. You can keep saying VENUS-DIVINE-BE!

Do it together- do it consciously. Step out and wipe one another clean. Gently and not sexually. Just as if he is a human, you are not concentrating on the sexual angle right away. Now rub oil on each other. Get a nice carrier oil like jojoba and then chuck a few drops of your favourite essential oil. You can use amyris, clary sage, jasmine, neroli, patchouli, rose, rosewood, sandalwood, vetiver, ylang ylang- they all work as aphrodisiacs.

Rub it in with conscious intention that your hands are filling this person you are caressing in this erotic massage is being healed. Oh yes by now the massage has gone erotic. I cannot start explaining exactly how to massage, because I believe there is no hard and fast, one single way to do it. The massage is an adaptation of deep rubs, kisses and caresses, suited exactly to the person in front.

Drop all thought. Very important. Exist in the moment. Exist in the now. One will massage the other and then the other will return the favour. Get it. Do not try to massage each other together. Nope. After you have completed the erotic massage, then stand up and hug.

After the hug, start NOW massaging each other. Build the intensity. Oh stare at each other the whole time. Stare into his eyes. Try to see beyond his form. Whatever you think is divine, associate that image to him. He is divine and guys, so is she. Try to feel the energy flow in each other’s bodies. You may actually see colours and your auras.

Then sit in meditation in the yabyum position, the symbol of divine union.

“Yab-Yum” is a Tibetan term meaning “father-mother”. The man is on the floor, in sukhasana or padmasana and the woman sits on his thighs while his lingam is in her yoni. The man’s penis will be inside your pussy, but do not move. Sit in that position. It symbolises the union of your root chakras. You have become ONE. Keep staring into each other’s eyes. Homosexual couples, please decide between each other who will take on the yang role and who will play the yin energy and sit accordingly.

Keep staring and keep breathing, the lingam inside the yoni. This is potent sex magic as the sexual energy with meditation can transmute itself to Spiritual. The Union will feel like you are losing consciousness. This does not happen in a day, it is to be cultivated.

Your crown chakra is channelling energy from spirit and merging it with your sexual energy. Please OBSERVE THE ENERGY and how it is flowing through your body. Try to identify blockages. Work from your heart chakra.

Some tantric teachers urge the participants to communicate their feelings to one another while in yabyum, but I personally leave it to you. You decide if you want SILENCE to be a part of this meditation or do you want to use loud chanting and/or speak to each other. It is entirely up to you.

After about staring for twenty minutes, then close your eyes together. Keep deep breathing. Now concentrate on your muladhara chakra and feel a ball of energy vibrating there. Now lift up that ball through your spine and bring it to rest in your crown chakra. Stay there. Keep breathing. If you cannot hold your erection, do not freak out. You are now PURE energy, not a limp dick!

Finally end the meditation with an orgasmic explosion, although it is absolutely normal if you do not desire penetration. During tantric yabyum most practitioners avoid the peak orgasm(ejaculation) to leave room for the much stronger full body orgasms, squirting orgasms, anal orgasms, prostate orgasms, vaginal orgasms, womb orgasms and more. You can feel things that are very VERY intense.

Your partner may cry as some of you guys know that women cry after an orgasm. Some of them do. I am one of those and it can get pretty intense and in fact some guys do too. Do not be awkward if she is crying, just hug her. Do not judge, label or criticise or offer advise. Just let her be. Be there for her.

Keep sitting even after everything is done and hug each other in yabyum, close your eyes and bring your focus to your third eye and stare inside. Finish off by doing namaste to each other.

If you do try this, drop me a mail and tell me how the experience felt.