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"Drugs is all around you kids. Look at that magic marker cap. What the hell you think that is, some kind of crayon? Take it off and sniff it and get high."

"Tyrone Biggums: Why do you think I carjacked you, Rhonda?
Rhonda: 'Cause the cops found you in it three hours later asleep, high on crack!
Tyrone Biggums: That's impossible, Rhonda. How can you sleep when you're high on crack? Chinese riddle for you."

Remember what the Bible says: He who is without sin, cast the first rock. And I shall smoketh it.

You know what dog food tastes like? Do you? It tastes just like it smells... delicious

Reporter: Sir, now that you've got your check do you plan on quitting your job driving this truck?
Man In Truck: Truck driver? I ain't no truck driver. I'm a janitor. That's right, baby, I just bought this truck straight cash. I got cigarettes for me and my family the rest of our lives! I'M RICH, BIATCH!

It is truly an honor and a privilege for me to be here at Pinehurst School, or whatever your school is called today. I say it's a privilege, because its a violation of my parole to be around children. But enough about that! Hello little boys and little girls! Mmmmm Mmmm Mmmm!

Kids...you're lookin at a dead man. I should not be in front of you today. Drugs and alcohol have ruined my life."..."Me and my friends would go home every day afer school and smoke marijuana. Can you kids say marijuana?

Charlie Murphy - better at sketch than standup..
Donnell Rawlings - funny... has an odd twitch or something in his hand.
Paul Mooney - funny as $#@!. he's old school and he's a masterful comedic writer. be ready, white people. he is going to piss you off a bit.

"Drugs is all around you kids. Look at that magic marker cap. What the hell you think that is, some kind of crayon? Take it off and sniff it and get high."

"Tyrone Biggums: Why do you think I carjacked you, Rhonda?
Rhonda: 'Cause the cops found you in it three hours later asleep, high on crack!
Tyrone Biggums: That's impossible, Rhonda. How can you sleep when you're high on crack? Chinese riddle for you."

News Reporter: What about people who say you're only interested in the Middle East for oil?
President Black Bush: What? Huh? Oil? Who said somethin' bout oil, bitch. You cookin? Oil? Man, I don't know what..."
[knocks over water pitcher]