THE RUNDOWN

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 17

Cathedral City’s crazy horndog Republican Assemblywoman Bonnie Garcia—who Governor Grab-Ass last month dubbed a “hot-blooded Latina”—lets a classroom full of La Quinta High students know just how muy caliente she really is. Seems that during a visit to a campus classroom the previous week, the kids quizzed her on the recent flap, which sent Garcia’s juices flowing. The Gov is “built,” she said, adding that she “wouldn’t kick him out of my bed.” Sooo much to blurt here, so let’s get a-snarkin’: First, is there any doubt that Republicans are now officially the most sexually loose party in the land, which we knew way before Foleygate? Since Arnold is married to Skeletor—uh, Maria—why does Garcia want to destroy families, which the Repubs always bitch that the gays are doing? Are we now to assume that what Garcia really wants is a hot, throbbing threeway with Arnold and Maria—or maybe just Maria, while Arnold works the camcorder? What good in bed would Schwarzenegger be anyway, since some people say that his steroid abuse during his bodybuilding days have shriveled his tallywhacker to something resembling a Slim Jim or a day-old movie theater hot dog? Garcia later apologized for acting like a total nympho—then, incredibly, she blamed the students, saying that if it weren’t for their “silly questions,” she wouldn’t have given such ribald answers. Rundown has one last question: Can you call a woman a dick? Because Garcia is.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 18

Congressman Jerry Lewis (R-Redlands; poor Redlands!)—reveals through a release of campaign finance records that he’s blown a cool $750,000 on legal costs to defend himself against a federal investigation into his bed-hopping with a Washington lobbying firm. Lewis—he of the alabaster televangelist hair, scary eyebrows, freakish overbite and Rasputin-like gaze—has pulled the funds from his $1.16 million campaign war chest to pay his Los Angeles lawyers (what, are IE lawyers not good enough?), leaving him with about $400,000 to spend on his re-election campaign. This will be a great thing for Lewis’ opponent in the November 7 election, Louie Contreras, for whom we’re sure the Democrats will now shovel assloads of cash, ensuring an easy vict—WHOA! What were we thinking? The Dems couldn’t give a flying fuck about this seat, and apparently, neither does Contreras, whose web site includes an October events calendar that’s booked up with a shitload of nothingness. So ol’ Whitehead’s a cinch to get re-elected, but if things go right and the Dems reclaim the House, Lewis will at least get his fanny booted from chairing the House Appropriations Committee, which is the source of the earmarking scandal he’s found himself tainted from, anyway. Say—after King George is impeached, the Dems should think about censuring Lewis—at the very least.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 19

Jesus Christ in a sidecar, it’s Jerry Lewis again! Today the watchdog org Public Citizen releases a listing of the skankiest whores in Congress—and guess who’s number one? Not just number one, either, but naked-on-his-back, legs-in-the-air, cheeks-spread-eagled, pulsating-sphincter-excitedly-waiting-for-the-deep -uhn!-uhn!-uhn!-thrusts-of-hard-lobbyist-manmeat number one? Yep—it’s our own bought-and-paid-for prostitute Lewis, who got more than $700,000 from special interest groups between January 1999 and December 2005. Rundown hopes Lewis was sane enough to have used a condom during these clandestine trysts, because money addictions like his are almost as bad as a case of crabs.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 20

What’s a guaranteed letter-generator for a daily newspaper these days? Well, after anything on illegal immigration, just complain about these darn kids today in any context. That’s what Katherine Rosenberg of Victorville’s Daily Press rag did on October 11, and the firestorm of blather has yet to subside. Seems Rosenberg went on a ride-along with some local cops, and was shocked—shocked!—by the “blatant disregard of authority” and general sassytalk displayed by 13-15-year-olds towards uniformed officers. “Fuck yeah!” responded the Victorville citizenry—not in those exact words, but you get the idea. Some of the more frothing eruptions from a discussion board that by today eventually devolves into a whine-a-thon about how you can’t get any decent Chinese food in Victorville:

“Want to find out a major cause of the degradation of the high desert? It is lawless young trash and their parents that come up from down below for lower rent/cost of living so their welfare money goes further (yeah sure . . . just more to by drugs, cigs, booze etc) Also great supply of rentals whose owners don’t mind being section 8 whores.”

“I work in law enforcement, and I see how our prison system is full of young punks who have no respect for authority.”

“I moved up here a few years ago and sure see a lot of changes around my area, there all so many Sect 8 and bunch of looser on Welfare and just stay home and do nothing but sitting in the front porch, and have there kids do whatever they want, they are the cause of all these problem that we are facing in the High Desert these day, the parent need to teach there kids some respect to our local authority.”

“Just listen to the violently anti-social, hate-filled, gang-oriented diatribes that pass for hip-hop ‘music’. Then you’ll know where it starts. And it will give you a clue as to what you can expect next. It’s just going to get worse and worse until our entire society is ruled by thugs.”

“The lawless children in walking in the street should all be cited for jaywalking and whatever other law they break. Kids in schools curse, say the N word) and get away with cheating and stealing.”

“WE have allowed to country to bend to the ACLU, the tree-hunging tofu farting kool-aid drinking mindless sheep of a society to take slow control of the politically-correctness (you can not mention the word ‘illegal alien’ law breakers without being labeled as a homofobic racist).”

And one posted by Ambrose Smith, who rules:

“By the looks of these letters and all of their misspellings, grammatical errors, name calling and rambling sentences—I would say lack of education is part of the problem.”

You go, Ambrose Smith!

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 21

Another comment:

“I think this is a bunch of crap. People say that because theirs no activities for the kids and thats why they act this way. B.S. These kids act this way because nobody gets out and whoops their ass, at home or on the street.”

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 22

And another:

“I think they should brink back the chain gang specifically for 11-17 years olds.”