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Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Never did I expect I would reach this far of not accessing this page. I miss blogging a lot. It’s been a year now since I last held a touch on my keyboard for a post. I guess it ain’t too late for this, as everyone would commonly say, “Better late than never.”

My calendar had long flipped its last page. 2014 is my new chapter. Funny how my 2013 had been. Why not reminisce those bittersweet days I spent within that year.

JANUARY-‘Stop holding on to what hurts and make room for what makes you happy’
Still left broken from last December’s heartache.

It was the comeback of classes. I was never happy neither excited about it. Not because of school works to be accomplished but the horror of seeing HIM again. To forget was too hard, especially that we only move at the same campus.

I tried to reach out, to return things back to normal. But moments are just too rough on us. We were not able to talk personally. We spent several nights of calling and phone messaging. All I ever heard was"SORRY!" Yet this was not the word I want him to utter but instead the line expressing his love towards me. Yet, I guess it would never happen. We are destined to be FRIENDS. That’s what I need to accept.

I tried rising up but I end falling and weeping again. Who is he anyway whom I should really shed tears on?! Simple. I was in love. Crazy in love.

FEBRUARY – DON"T ASK As far as I could remember, it was unmemorable ... LOL !

MARCH-APRIL- ‘ I am what I am! A journalist I must be!’
Before I could finally lift a heel high unto the last year of my college life, I still have to undergo such ‘On the-Job-Training’ (OJT) of a lifetime. By then, I felt the real pressures and perks of not just a mere Mass Communication student, but a full grown journalist.

Can't fathom how pre-occupied I was with my co-intern Cristine Antosada during those 2 consecutive months. The photos will prove.

MAY-‘Great power comes great responsibility’
I was in the near-end of my internship journey when an offer sneaked in--- reporting for the May 2013 National Elections.

I was given the opportunity to voice-out on one of the most renowned radio stations in our town. The job was truly strenuous which really entails lots of searching, interviewing, observing, transcribing and broadcasting. Sleeping was never an option. We are all eyes 24/7 on the election’s occurrences. Details and results need to be aired anytime for listener’s sake---one risky but imperative task to perform. Though I felt a bit embarrassed, yet I am still proud of my role as being a transmitter of information. At least I proved to all that I can. I can be heard. I could really be as good as any broadcaster. Feeling professional as I should.

This was also the time I dropped my very first batch of votes on the ballot box. Got my finger inked. Hope I chose the right leaders.

JUNE- ‘Giving up is not an option, but a choice.’
No new stuffs, rooms and classmates to expect!

First day of school in college is not as exciting as high school. It was terrifying for me because I know there’ll be much tear and sweat to shed on. And indeed, I wasn’t mistaken. The first month of my senior year was nothing but a headache. Paper works from here and there, plus audio visual presentations to be accomplished equals DEADlines to beat. These and all were laid before us.
One project that took us to places we never been, situations we’re not accustomed to, people we never met and knew, is the production of an investigative report.

The topic we chose was the existence of abortion in our town. There are three of us in the group. Seeking interviewees was our biggest challenge. Strolling day and night for our first sniff, that’s our job. We have to persuade, pay if necessary, a prostitute, abortionist, abortion committer, abortion drug gambler and user just to get footage of them. We need not only write what has been gathered but present it as if real investigative reporters. We shoot videos almost every day and have it edited afterwards. We spent lots of sleepless nights just to make our presentation relevant and compelling to watch.

JULY- ‘A neophyte's first is her best!
Kids?

They are my greatest enemies BEFORE!
They are my dearest treasures TODAY!

Since then, I loathe kids a lot. I consider them as a big nuisance but as soon as I enter the premises of Good Image Learning Center (an English tutorial agency from where I applied on), my perceptions towards them altered. A soft spot within me was touched. It’s so fulfilling to see these smidgets learning from the insights and ideas you teach and share. As a mentor, I do not only educate, but listen as well. Through that, interaction is present; teaching is effective; connection gets deeper; bond clings tighter.

First time to apply in a company. First time to get hired. First time to experience online tutorial via Skype. First time to encounter Korean clients. Made lots of adjustments on these foreigners yet I was able to handle them upright.

Never thought I could. Teaching isn’t too hard. You just learn how to love it.

AUGUST- ‘Am good enough to forgive; but not stupid enough to trust again’
August 16, 2013. Friday. Ten on the dot.

It marked my most down pouring night.

He used to be humorous. He used to be responsible. He used to be sweet. He used to be caring. He used to be considerate. He used to be generous. He used to be supportive. He used to be the best.

He used to be my FATHER.

Rumors had reached me, saying that he’s been having a secret fling. I don’t wanna admit the fact that a father like him could commit such infidelity. Until that night came in. All my hopes, expectations and trust were torn into pieces.

I was in a concert having a good time with friends when a familiar figure of a man flashed in front of me. Behind him was a woman, on her thirties, holding pap’s shoulder. I was sure it wasn’t mom, neither a relative. And indeed, it was another woman. A f***ing WHORE!

If only I had the strength to grab her hair and drag her on the ground, I would. But I won’t. I won’t humiliate myself for doing such. Putting dirt on my hand? NO way!!!

A space is enough. Silence would tell. From then, a gap existed between us. Those father-and-daughter snuggling moments are no more to reminisce. Everything has changed now.

He has totally changed… so am I.

SEPTEMBER- ‘Be wise enough not to be reckless; but brave enough to take great risks’
Bars became my home.Alcohol was my remedy.
Boys were my playmates.
Sex now becomes an option.

My year didn’t go well. I was filled with heartbreaking experiences. Day by day, the shadow of my past keeps on haunting me. Reckoning those times I was cheated, fooled, stupefy, left used and scarred by men I thought to be my knight-and-shining-armor. Even the man whom I least expected to be a dumbass just turned out to be one of the few as well---- that’s my father. I still bear grudges and grievance every time I remember that awful night I saw him with his whore while my mother sleeps in frustration at home.

By the time I could no longer endure the pain, hanging out became my form of escape. By that, I discovered another purpose for happiness. My weak persona was hidden with a fiercer visage whose soul gets light out from obscurity.

I was wild… wilder than anyone could ever imagine. I just lost everything. My dignity, virginity, my whole being. All of me.

If there’s any girl in the world who can be called bitch, that would be me. Am happy with it. I lived with it. A living bitch who learned how to stand on her own, whom to trust on, and how to see the world on larger point-of-views of life.

In and out I’ve changed. Maturity isn’t just told or said, but experienced--- may not be through at its best yet mostly at its worst.

OCTOBER- ‘The last time I did something for the first time’

We never planned of going out that day, nor thought of having our ears pierced.

Went off the mall and looked for the piercing section. Gosh! As first takers, I was a bit nervous. My other two friends felt the same way too. Nerve roused as I was when my left ear took its first shot. The procedure causes a minimal pain. My earlobe feels warm and flushed. I had a fainting feeling after the process.

Trying something new isn’t too bad. Helix piercing was actually cool. But that was my first and last. I don't want to spend another year waiting for an ear to be healed.

The past few days, weeks and months I had, brought nothing but headaches. What a strenuous year I must say. I have to depart the house earlier than 7 a.m starving, scared of getting late in school. Go home at around 11 pm after 5 hours of student life and 6 hours of teaching life. Eats dinner and sleeps almost dawn. Wake up on the next day and miss breakfast again. Same routine almost everyday, except on weekends.

I would never wonder why others got surprised of how I look today. Critics from here and there. Most are compliments. Am loving it. Does one really has to undergo such hardships just to get noticed by many?!

Well, I say its all worth the sacrifice. *wink*

DECEMBER- ‘Love is sweeter the second time around’
I thought I won’t feel appreciated and adored again, but just until he came… BACK.

I made a mistake before. It’s time for me to correct it. I won’t lose him again. NO! NOT this time.

He was the first boy who made me realize how special I am. We did not work out. We’re both young back then, still immature on handling relationships. Lost communication for 3 to 4 years.Who would ever thought that from all men I had mingled with, I would still end up cradling with him.

Now, I can truly say we are ready. However, we haven’t made things official yet. Making the most out of the love and time we have is fair enough… for now. There’s no need to rush. If something is meant to be, it will happen in the right time, with the right person, for the best reason.

This and other occurrences are just few of my most precious memoirs ought to be treasured.