Wednesday, March 28, 2012

''After a busy day I settled down in my train from Southern Cross for a nap as far as my destination at Bendigo,'' writes Peter Nelson, ''when the chap sitting near me hauled out his mobile and started up. 'Hi darling it's Peter, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the 6.30 not the 4.30, but I had a long meeting - no, not with that floozie from the typing pool, with the boss. No darling, you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart', etc, etc. This was still going on at Sunbury, when the young woman opposite, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice 'Hey, Peter, turn that bloody phone off and come back to bed!''' [...]

[...] Craig Preston, of Newtown, was one of many readers who gave Column 8 a right royal bucketing for running the first item in yesterday's column (''Put the phone down Peter and come back to bed!''). Quite apart from this anecdote doing the rounds of the internet for some weeks, we are told, Craig clinches its ancient origins by noting that ''the reference to the typing pool is a dead giveaway - who works in a typing pool these days?'' Hmm. It could be possible to date the story quite accurately on this basis - when in human history were typing pools and mobile phones in existence at the same time? [...]

Saturday, March 24, 2012

[...] DEAR ABBY: As I was getting into a hot tub, a woman sitting in it said, "Are you prepared to pay child support?" When I asked what she meant, she replied, "Some women get pregnant from being in a hot tub with a man." Is that possible? -- JON IN CEDAR RAPIDS, IOWA

DEAR JON: It's an urban myth. What happened was the women became pregnant after meeting a man in a hot tub.

SIOUX CITY -- Police said a revised version of a 50-year-old urban legend is circulating through Sioux City's social media circles, spooking drivers with tales of a back-seat bandit.

Whether on Facebook or through email, police said the story remains the same: A woman pulls up to a red light and the driver next to her rolls down his window to ask a question or for directions. As she talks to the driver, someone tries to sneak from the man's car into the back seat of hers. A nearby police officer sees the incident unfold and turns on his lights and sirens to scare the would-be culprits away. The officer then tells the woman the men wanted to steal her car and money. [...]

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Enormous Olympic rings have started popping up in London. There's a set at St Pancras, another recently floated down the Thames, and a third set will be suspended at Tower Bridge.

We're told that there's something special about one of the rings. Someone involved in their construction had a bit of a downer on the whole Olympics in London thing. So he took a shit inside one of the rings. And then had it welded shut.

ELMIRA, NY (WENY-TV) -- It started with Facebook comments then e-mails and even phone calls.

Several viewers wanted to let us know that two U.S. military members were allegedly denied service at the Dunkin’ Donuts on Church and Madison.

Here’s one: "Can you please look in to this story -- Dunkin’ Donuts in Elmira wouldn't serve military members in uniform."

Owners of the downtown Elmira store wouldn't speak with us on camera or by phone today.

They had us call a national spokesperson who released a statement, reading in part -- "We take matters like this very seriously and when we learned of the complaint we immediately conducted an investigation. The franchise owner has no record of an alleged incident, and assures us that this is not true." [...]

Zanzibar. A Global Fund programme to distribute bed nets in every household in Zanzibar as part of efforts to control malaria has hit a snag following rumours here that the nets were harmful to human health. [...]

Some people who used the nets are believed to have suffocated and some have even died. However, there is no confirmation that the deaths were induced by the nets.

Some people believe that chemicals used to treat the nets cause impotence among men who use them. [...]

[...] [Sunday's] column mentioned the most totally awesome newspaper byline of all time: Athol P. Black of the Kamloops Sentinel. That led another journalist, Arthur Black, to recall the days when his Saltspring [Island] phone number was unlisted, but that of Athol Black, who had apparently moved to the island, was not.

When listeners offended by Arthur's CBC radio program Basic Black would dial up Information demanding a number for "Arthur Black, Saltspring," the operator would reply, "I do have an Athol Black on -"

"THAT'S THE ONE!" the caller would roar into the receiver. "THE ATHOL WHO HAS THAT RADIO SHOW!"

Arthur regrets that he never met Athol P. Black, thanked him for fielding the angry calls, or presented him with a bottle of single malt before he died.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

[...] One of the urban legends on me goes thus: For an exam I told students to describe the Battle of Mactan from the point of view of a fish. One student filled six pages of his blue book with “glub glub glub,” and wrote at the end: “I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand fish language.” I gave this student an “A” for effort, honesty and creativity.

The truth is that I gave the student a “C” for effort and wrote this on his paper: “If you can translate this into human language, I will give you an ‘A.’” [...]

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Phoenix -- A creepy rumor has begun circulating in Arizona: giant spiders native to Iraq are now making their home in Phoenix.

A service member contacted our sister station KPNX and told them that camel spiders had stowed away in the footlockers of returning troops and are taking up residence in Arizona. [...]

[A horror movie called Camel Spiders has just been released on DVD/Blue-ray. Its press release says, in part, "During a routine desert patrol, an U.S. Military unit headed by Captain Sturges (Krause) is ambushed by insurgents. Just when they seemed to be outgunned, the attack suddenly stops…and their would-be assassins are dragged off by what a native liaison calls “the devils of the sand.” Wounded in the battle, Sturges earns a ticket back home to the more hospitable deserts of the Southwestern United States.

"Bringing back one of his fallen comrades, Sturges doesn’t realize that a couple of camel spiders stowed away and now have access to an environment where they can breed at an exponential rate, freely hunting for prey and unafraid of any predator – including man.”]