what nonverbal signals tell others?
what else can they do?
who does these best?

*tell others of our moods, what we are really saying
*regulate interaction, and defines a relationship
*liars

Facial expressions

*These are the same world over
*we can easily see sadness, fear, anger etc

Four ways of modifying our expressions

*intensify- exaggerate so we appear to be experiencing stronger feelings than we actually are
*minimize-seem less emotional than we really are
*neutralize- show no expression whatsoever
*mask-replace feelings with another set of feelings

Microexpression

these are momentary lapses in control of the face that give the individual away.

very useful to tell if someone is lying or not

Nonverbal sex differences

*Women are better encoders and decoders
*"women's intuition" actually watching nonverbal cues
*rapists have an unusally low ability to sense displeasure or negative feelings from women.
*Women tend to smile more than men
*women adopt postures that are more 'open'
*men tend to show higher levels of visual dominance
*styles of communication differ greatly between men and women.
-women are less forceful/decisive using nonverbals
-this difference disappears when women are in positions of power

Visual dominance ratio

Looking at someone more while speaking, and not as much when listening

touch as communication

*can convey closeness and affection
*uninvited touches can be a sign of dominance
*touch can be misconstrued
-women react more positively to touch, men do not
- in fact men touch women more than women touch men

interpersonal gap

this is generally where the senders intentions differ from the effect on the receiver

paralanguage

*how we say things
-pitch
-rhythm
-loudness
-rate
*"motherese"
-high pitched voice you use to talk to babies, pets, lower intelligence, etc.
-can be used to express affection
-can also be used to express you think someone is incompetent

combining verbal and nonverbal signals

*you must combine all the verbal and nonverbal signals in order to get a full picture of what is going on
*if our verbal message is not the same as our nonverbal, it is usually the nonverbal that is telling the truth.

taboo topics

*argue not to approach certain topics with our partner
-can be explicit or implicit
-> explicit- never talked about again
-"tests" as to whether or not a relationship will last
- we may as friends about these topics, but not our partner directly

****dysfunctional communication patterns****

****miscommunication****
* not saying what you mean
*"kitchen sink"-multiple topics simultaneously
*"off-beam"- not on long enough to resolve
*"mind reading"- assume you understand partner
*"interruption"
-men interrupt more than women
*"yes-butting"
*"cross-complaint"- similar to yes, but
criticism of partner
*defensiveness followed by "stonewalling"
*belligerence-active denial of other

Social exchange theory

based on:
*rewards-any desirable outcome in an interaction
*costs-punishing, undesirable outcomes
*outcome-net profit or loss from an interaction

Cl(comparison level)- the value of outcomes that we feel we deserve
-expectations carry over from prior relationships
-continuum of payoff

Outcomes - Cl = satisfaction or dissatisfaction

Cl alt?

*comparison level for alternatives
*essentially we're asking "how well could i be doing somewhere else?"
*if our payout with someone else would be higher than we have, we're likely to switch to the new partner
*thus CL alt becomes the lowest level of outcome we'll tolerate from our current partner

When would we leave a relationships using CL and CL alt? what about staying?

*if your CL alt would be positive, you'll leave, if not, you'll stay

Be able to recognize some calculations that we may make using CL and CL alt

*women have more disposable income than in the past, they can choose whom they date.
*barriers against divorce have been dropped
*individuals move further and more often than in the past
*"permanent availability"- we continue to size up future mates while we're married

What do too many costs lead to? Why?

*may lead to more severe problems like outright hostility
*we need to maintain a rewards to costs ratio of 5:1

Rewards/Costs in older relationships

*no rewards differences in the beginning between a relationship that would make it vs. one that would not
*costs did have differences
-doomed relationships had far more costs
*costs typically rise as the relationship gets older
*limitations are imposed by the relationship, so a momentary lapse in satisfaction occurs.
*existing problems become more costly once a wedding occurs
*it takes work to maintain the same level of "charming" that was present at the start of the relationship

*shared beliefs among members of a culture about what behaviors friends should perform
-volunteer in time of need
-respect the friend's privacy
-keep confidences
-trust and confide in each other
-stand up for the other person in their absence
-don't criticize each other in public
-show emotional support
-look him/her in the eye during conversation
-strive to make him/her happy while in each other's company
-don't be jealous or critical of each other's relationships
-be tolerant of each other's friends
-share news of success with the other
-ask for personal advice
-don't nag
-engage in joking or teasing with the friend
-seek to repay debts and favors and compliments
-disclose personal feelings or problems to the friend

Momentary playmate

*age 3-7
*friends defined by proximity
-conflict ends once the other person goes away
-no considering other's thoughts or will

One-way assistance

*ages 4-9
-give and take arises
-own needs still come first
-guilt does begin to come into play

Fairweather cooperation

*ages 6-12
-the infamous"D.O." is introduced
-start of knowing how others see you
-apology carries meaning
-fights that aren't resolved=end of friendship

Intimate-mutual sharing

*friendship as collaboration
*friendship is "exclusive" and "possessive"
*judge fiends and others based on intention and disposition

What happens during autonomous independence?

*ages 12+
-friendship is complex
-rely on friends for support
-need more than one friend
-friendships are dynamic

*cliques- small networks of individuals who hang around with one another
*crowds-also be created by a collection of peers who share a particular reputation or identity who may or may not spend time together
*clique movement-
-stage 1: we start as same-sex cliques
-stage 2: we move to group level interactions with opposite sex
-stage 3: most popular in a clique initiate groups that contain same and opposite sex individuals in a new clique
-stage 4: mixed sex cliques form
-stage 5: cliques begin to dissolve into groups of couples

Why are support, conflict, and peer pressure important in adolescence?

*support- intimacy leads to improved and supportive friendships that are supportive to both individuals
*conflict- can also include competition- occurs most frequently with peers in mid adolescence
*peer pressure- peaks at 15, individuals become sheep to what is "cool" due to having so much in common

Why does dyadic withdrawal occur?

*more time with lover=less time with friends and family
-usually the couple adopts his friends
-women's friendships with other women usually suffer

Disengagement perspective

*forwards that decreased activity levels are normal, as are passive roles
->benefits
-transition of power to younger
-release of elderly from expectations of being productive

*those with a high need for intimacy experience greater sense of well-being and are most trusting and confident in relationships
*generally, depression results in our being rejected by someone else
-result is smaller and less supportive social networks

Mate selection article
According to the article, what types of infidelity would be most upsetting for women?

women who have more money and who expect to make more are less attracted to cheaters

Why might women prefer "dot-com" guy to "lottery" guy?

women would prefer "dot-com" guy to "lottery" guy, because he actually worked to earn his money. He could also be much more intelligent than the "lottery" guy. "lottery" guy only had to fill out a ticket to get his money "dot-com" guy worked and created something for his

In study 4, who was seen as most attractive, "cookie" or "house"? Why?

overall: men and women were attracted to the cookie company seller

Chapter 8
Triangular theory of love

comprised of
*intimacy
*passion
*commitment

Types of love that triangular shows
-what is wrong with these views?

*nonlove- intimacy, passion and commitment are all absent, love does not exist
*liking- liking occurs when intimacy is high but passion and commitment are very low
*infatuation- strong passion in the absence of intimacy or commitment is infatuation, which is what people experience when they are aroused by others they barely know
*empty love- commitment without intimacy or passion

Misattribution

attribute our arousal to the wrong source

excitation transfer

a lot of arousal by one stimulus combined with additional arousals by a second, but the first stimulus is ignored

Response facilitation

whenever arousal is present, no matter where it comes from or how we interpret it, our predominant response to the situation will be energized

Love vs. Like

*liking
-intimacy is high
-passion is low
-commitment is low
-this is a friendship that is warm, but does not arouse
-> a best friend

*love
??

styles of loving

??

companionate love

-high in intimacy
-high in commitment
-low in passion
-usually long term happy marriage

*intimacy and commitment combine to form love for a close companion, or companionnate love. Here, closeness, communication, and sharing are coupled with substantial investment in the relationship as the partners work to maintain a deep, long-term friendship

Bartholomew's "four"

*secure-
*preoccupied- new name for anxious/ambivalent. reflects the fact that they nervously depend on others' approval to feel good about themselves, such people greedily sought acceptance and were preoccupied with relationships
*fearful- avoid intimacy with others because of their fears of rejection. they want others to like them, but worry about the risks of relying on others
*dismissing- felt that intimacy with others just wasn't worth the trouble. felt self sufficient, and they rejected interdependency with others, not really caring much whether others liked them or not

why romantic love "fades"

*fantasy enhances romance. love is blind to some degree
*novelty adds excitement and energy to new loves.
*arousal fades as time goes by
*****each of these fades with time*****

novelty causes sexual arousal in other species--a phenomenon called the Coolidge effect--and it may fuel human passion as well. One theory links passion to changes in our relationships, so that a developing relationship often causes considerable passion that gradually evaporates after the relationship is established

love when we're older

people mellow with age, experiencing less love as time goes by. Nevertheless, some older adults feel more romantic after they have been married for many years than they did when they were younger.