Tag Archives: Tera Patrick

It’s the aftermath of EllisMania 9, some of you are probably still drunk and some of probably feel like you need to push your eyeballs back into your heads and shave your tongues. We got a shitload to get to today, so bare with me. Ellis is still feeling the effects of the weekend, he came back with more free shit than what he left with. He’s super happy with everyone and how things went even though this EllisMania wasn’t quite as polished – but it still worked and it worked good. The fans were cool for the most part, but there were a few that had way too much to drink, which made it hard for Ellis to talk to them. With people that drink too much, comes more chances for drama, and there was some drama. Shit. Wait. I already fucked up. First, I should tell you that Dingo is in studio today, which is impressive, but Rawdog is not in studio today, and it sounds like there is a story behind it – but we’ll get into that later. Okay, now that we have that cleared up, let’s keep moving forward by going back to the past. So when Ellis arrived in Vegas and found out he didn’t have his usual room, Katie was expecting Ellis to flip out. He didn’t, at all. He was fine and the room that he did get was the tits so he was still in a good mood. Okay, now let’s hop to Saturday night really quick. Tim Sabean was there and has told Wilson how impressed he was with not only the event, but with how Ellis fought. He was impressed enough that he actually sent some video and pictures to his bosses and told them they had to see it and how impressive it was. Also, Tully is into fisting and Wilson, as we all know, is into lanyards, saw the EllisFam lanyard and really wants one – you listening @Wolfman812?

Back to Friday’s live broadcast from Vegas. For as much as nothing was really planned and nobody showed up for weigh-in’s, the radio show still worked and worked well. Plus, Ellis may have allegedly saw a bit of vagoo, along with 50 other fans of the show. Sam Ruben made a call into the show today to yammer on about himself a little and talk about how his fake fight went with Tera Patrick. Ellis called him out about emailing the show asking to make sure he doesn’t get hit in the face, yet wanting to have a “real” fight, potentially with Tully. Ellis and Tully wouldn’t let Sam wiggle in his bullshit about wanting to have a real fight but not wanting to get hit in the face. Sam tried to save a little face, but they weren’t about to let him off the hook that easily. Who cares, he’s a weasel. Now, back to Friday, this time at the Death! Death! Die! show. Apparently Christian was fucking up pretty good, which made everyone else in the band feel better about their performance since Shoebox is pretty much the most professional musician in the band. Even with the mistakes, the guys felt like the show was probably the best show they’ve put on. Several fans got to go up and try singing with the band, but one fan, Zach, seemed to stand out for singing Pain of Time.

So why isn’t Josh there today? Apparently Friday night got a little fucked up, there was some drama, and now Josh and Ellis aren’t cool with each other right now. Friday night, Rawdog called up Ellis saying he and his girlfriend needed to go to Ellis’ room and talk to him right away. Ellis was trying to relax and stay in the zone for his fight and told Josh to just tell him on the phone since they’re on the phone with each other right now, not to mention Ellis isn’t too fond of Josh’s girlfriend. Josh proceeds to tell Ellis that someone in his and his girlfriend’s group of friends had gotten drugged, something slipped in their drink, at the Circle Bar and claimed it was a very well known and longtime member of EllisFam. This EllisFam member (who shall remain anonymous) is well known for buying drinks for people, expensive drinks at that, and just enjoys doing that sort of thing and always has. From the sounds of it, Ellis basically asked what they wanted him to do about it, he wasn’t there, he didn’t know what was going on, he didn’t drug anyone, and there was nothing he could do. Josh says that he didn’t ask Ellis to do anything, he was merely asking if Ellis would talk to his girlfriend and maybe tell her what she should do. The paramedics were called and the guy who they thought had gotten drugged was still awake, responding, and generally just sick. In-studio roofie experts Dingo and Christian Hand both said they know people who have been roofied before and the guy showed none of those symptoms. Dingo also claimed that there is a rash of roofie slipping go around Las Vegas lately, but mainly as a tool to rob people. The EllisFam member in question was seen on security footage purchasing and giving drinks to Rawdog and his girlfriend, but was never seen doing anything to the drinks. Christian and Will did all but vouch for this EllisFam member as they have hung out with them on many different occasions and have talked to him extensively at this and previous EllisManias. The EllisFam member was distraught that they were being accused and felt horrible about the incident, and later had talked to Christian after being exonerated by security. The overall consensus in the studio is that this EllisFam member did not poison anyone and that the guy Josh & his girlfriend believe was drugged did not get roofied, maybe they were given something else, or were just super-hyper drunk or something, but it wasn’t roofies and it wasn’t the person who they accused. Josh’s girlfriend said on Twitter that it wasn’t that they wanted Ellis to do anything but show some concern, and so she and Josh think Ellis should call and apologize to his girlfriend. Ellis says there’s nothing for him to apologize for, Will, Tully, Dingo, and Christian seem to agree. Ellis says he still loves Josh, he’s not going to fire him or anything like that, he feels this is more about Josh’s girlfriend instead of Josh, he understands that Josh is put into a position, he knows this and radio is hard for Josh, he does not want anyone giving Josh any kind of shit over this, and says that it will all work out one way or another. And there you have it, that was the story that was told to the listeners. While you’re free to make your own judgments, why would you? It doesn’t involve you (most likely) and you only know what has been told to you on the radio. These things have a way of working out on their own, one way or another.

What? You want more drama? Well good news for you then, there was no shortage of drama. Here’s the next scandalous story to come out of EllisMania 9. Word on the street is that Gabe punched a fan at Body English later Saturday night after his fight with Ellis. Ellis was on his way to meet Gabe for a congratulatory drink and when he gets there, the drama is already in full swing and people are telling him that Gabe has punched one of the fans. The security guard told Ellis that he had been standing there the whole time and that Gabe didn’t “do shit”, but several fans came to say otherwise. So for Ellis, it was another situation that everyone wanted him to do something that he knows nothing about, that may or may not have happened (conflicting stories when he first arrives), even though it had nothing to do with him. Ellis is once again asked to do something on behalf of somebody without having any prior knowledge of, other than what a few people are telling him and he knows everyone has been drinking. Other than that, he’s clueless as to what has transpired because he wasn’t there. Ellis feels like people are mad at him for not doing something about something he has no idea about. Ellis isn’t security, but he wants everything to go smoothly and wants everyone to have a good time. He doesn’t know what to do, nobody would. If you ask a security person, they would just remove everyone involved, wipe their hands clear of the ordeal, and let the police deal with it. The guy that allegedly got punched Johnathan (@puttyman5000?) called into the show to explain his side of the story. He says his wife (@AmeralReid) was wanting to take a photo with Gabe and that out of the blue, Gabe shoved her aside and then punched him. He said he didn’t hear exactly what was said between his wife and Gabe because it was loud and suddenly he ate a knuckle sandwich. Ellis, Tully, and Cumtard asked if he or his wife had a previous conversation with Gabe, he said no, he was completely sober. So basically, he’s saying Gabe, just out of the blue, shoved his wife and punched him for absolutely no apparent reason. Security asked if they wanted to push the issue, get the police involved, etc. and he declined because he didn’t want it to go there. Ellis apologized and he’s not completely dismissing the caller’s claims because there were at least two other people who were completely sober that told Ellis that Gabe did in fact punch this guy. The caller swears that he and his wife didn’t say a word to Gabe, other than asking for a picture, his words: “I don’t think so”, but the story floating around is that either him or his wife were starting to get a little fresh with Gabe. He then admits that there was indeed a previous conversation earlier in the night and mentioned Gabe saying something like “that guy was smirking at me” and I guess that is what they are saying “might” have been the motivating factor in Gabe punching him? I don’t know. I wasn’t there, so I’m just going by what the caller said. Whether the fan was “smirking” at Gabe doesn’t matter, that doesn’t warrant someone punching you, everyone agrees with that. As the guys tried to dig a little deeper to clear things up, the story just got murkier and murkier and it appears that the two main stories going around both conflict each other. Without knowing exactly what went down, again, Ellis apologized to the caller, was glad he wasn’t hurt, and thanked him for coming. Then, the wife of the caller, called in to tell her side of the story! She said that everyone was messing with Gabe on Twitter (pre-fight trash talk I assume) and that she participated but didn’t say anything inappropriate, was “just joking around, and thought it was all in good fun” and that when she got back to her room after the fight meeting, Gabe had tweeted her back to say, “I saw you there but you didn’t have anything to say to my face.” (7:39 PM October 12, 2013) Not exactly what he said, but close enough. So she claims she said “it’s cool, no problem, good luck, have fun tonight” (7:52 PM October 12, 2013) which isn’t exactly what she said, but again, close enough. So far, it appears that she meant no ill will and from what one can tell from tweets alone, everything seemed pretty cordial so far. As far as the Twitter world knows anyway. i’m not weighing in on one side or the other, I’m just trying to relay what has been said and what has been claimed was said. She then says she went up to Gabe and asked for a photo and that Gabe was just like “fuck you, you talk shit about me”, etc. Then she says the reason why Gabe had punched her husband was because he said “that guy right there, that guy hates me.” (Gabe talking to her about her husband) She says, “What? That guy wasn’t even talking to you.” She says Gabe responds, “Why is that guy glaring at me know?” She says, “You know what Gabe, never mind now, it’s cool, like, I don’t want a photo with you.” And that’s when she turned around and Gabe pushed her and punched her husband. She says her husband has a bruise on his cheek and a fat lip to prove it, and she thinks Gabe has to say he didn’t do anything (eluding to legality and professional issues) and that security people told her that she had attacked Gabe and that if they pressed charges against Gabe, Gabe would press charges against her and her husband, and everyone was going to jail. So that’s when she said her and her husband walked away, left on their own, decided to “go to the Circle Bar because they didn’t want to cause any problems or to be the people that bring the drama,” so they left and she says Gabe continued to talk shit on Twitter about her. If you want to see more of the back and forth, start where they left off. She called Gabe a piece of shit, he asks what she’s talking about, is it because he didn’t take a picture with her, she says fuck off, you hit my husband and are a liar, he says no you are, says lets talk in person, she says they didn’t get kicked out, yada, yada, yada. Again, I don’t know what went down and I’m not involving myself in it. I don’t know who is in the wrong or the right. I wasn’t there. Just telling you what was said and what was on Twitter. And then the bell rang and we were out of school and went home to have a snack and watch cartoons. The end.

Did Wilson have a date on Saturday? Turns out, he went to the fight with Erika Ashley (@Erika_Ash). She might not know it was a date. But it totally was. In Will’s mind. Erika didn’t have a ticket, he had an extra ticket, so… you know. Once Will realized he wasn’t getting any of that Erika, he also paid for a ticket for Tim Sabean. Tim might not know it was a date, but it totally was. In Will’s mind. Will didn’t get any of the Tim either, and I guess nobody else could be bought with tickets, so… HAHAA The guys kept jabbing at Will and his “date” with Erika until he ran out of the studio, it was hilarious. Then Ellis talked about his fight was Gabe and how well Gabe did. He also mentioned how he got angry at one point during the fight, dropped his hands and charged after Gabe and kind of got caught. He was getting gassed so he used his rage to muster up enough energy to keep go after Gabe, missing some upper cuts, chased him and caught him twice and put him down. Ellis knew the punches just skimmed Gabe, so he wasn’t very happy about how he performed, but then again he didn’t lose, he’s a better fighter, and everyone had a lot of fun – so he’s not beating himself up over it.

The Vatican commissioned over 6,000 medals to be made and turns out they misspelled Jesus’ name. Whoopsy. Sorry Lesus! There was kangaroo MMA, proving that MMA really is the fastest growing sport in the world. But who gives a shit. Lets move on.

Let’s talk about the Leprechaun or Pinata fight, where there was no pot of gold, no costumes, and no pinata, but there was a Grant Cobb. And to help with the conversation, Christian Hand came into the studio. Kit Cope and Mike Jasper were to fight off 4 different people, to fend them off the pot of gold, or in this case, Grant Cobb. Kit is just beating people up, Kenji jumped in to help swing Jasper and Kit into all the opponents who were easily making their way to Grant and beating him up. As Kenji swung Kit around, Kit was throwing a punch and WHAM-O! Right in Jasper’s face! As you can see in the picture, Jasper’s eyes are shut and he’s falling into the abyss. Jasper got his bell rung hard and hit the canvas, knocked out. Mind you, Jasper has never been knocked out in his career, his very first time getting knocked out was by his team mate at EllisMania 9. Kit goes to pick up Jasper and the opponents are all over Grant. Once Jasper gets up and says he’s okay, the fight resumes and Jasper starts kicking the shit out of everyone, Ellis is yelling for Jasper to stop but Jasper is in kill mode and didn’t hear shit, he was busing chasing people down and kicking the shit out of them. Ellis yells for Kit to tackle his team mate, Jasper, to get him to calm down before Jasper murder’s everyone in the ring. It was fucking amazing! God damn, I’m tired just writing a paragraph about it.

The people’s champ, @cogdeth.won the Musical Chair Fight with authority. Ellis kept calling him @bitPimps and everyone on Twitter had a good laugh while I tried fervently to clear cogdeth’s good name. The guys noticed he had bulked up and was throwing some hard shots. They were also amused to find out that he didn’t change out of his costume after the fights and was out partying in the Circle Bar, still in his sexy get up. The Prison Fight had it’s debut at EllisMania 9, two guys dressed as prisoners, with their hands duct taped together swinging 1 giant hammer fist at each other. @J_Chapel was easily twice the size of his opponent and had gotten slightly overzealous and pulled an accidental illegal punch. That brought in Kenji Gallo, aka MMA Elvis, (@KenjiOC) who gave him a swift kick right in the dick. The Hot Chick Fight was pretty funny as Shantanee (@Shanwize1) kept knocking herself out basically because she would spin around so fast it made her dizzy enough to fall over during each round. Alicia Leii (@AliciaLeii) was super fit as always, almost giving her an unfair advantage because she’s just too good, and.@shandategart was a force to be reconed with as well and ended up winning The Hot Chick Fight. Perry, the dude that has built 2 dick punch machines now, won his fight. I’m way too tired to even go through this one. It was cool, just trust me. Sorry for not getting to the opponents and their names and links to their Twitters. Give me a fuckin’ break, would ya? PLG won his fight against Elliot Sloan. Even though PLG had a fucking asthma attack, Elliot wanted to stop, but Dave (Sluggo’s brother) was not going to let Elliot give up. He yelled at him like a pimp demanding results from a whore that owed him money. It was fantastic. Rawdog got nicknamed “The Golden Camel Toe” because of is costume, he looked fucking awesome. He fought his heart out, at one point his leg was twitching while he was trying to get up from being knocked down by several body punches. You could see his body was telling him to quit, but the fire in his eyes was telling him to go for it. He was god damned champion and fuck you if you try to take that away from him. It was his best EllisMania performance yet and it wasn’t against a girl. He was sore and actually bummed out a bit because he really tried his best and he gave Nick a run for his money, even though Nick was built like a Cinnabon.

During the wait for Ellis to fight Gabe, Dingo, Kit, and TJ Lavin had to kill some time so they opted for an impromptu “Get the cock off your chest” segment. This is where Kit and Dingo really shined. Some guy (Mike?) had one hell of a story about fucking his very first “African American” girl, completely drunk off his ass, with little to no sleep, he even laid down in the fucking ring while the other fans that came up tried to top his story, but to no avail. And in the end, in his stupor, mentioned the chicks name, “Chocolatey” and how there may have allegedly been cocaine involved. It was a crack up / embarrassing. Ellis woke up to find that copious amounts of cigarettes and cocaine had been done in his hotel room and he probably would’ve been more upset about the ciggies if he knew any of that was going down. But he didn’t. So he’s not. Katie found a fucking note in their room to some “Lou” dude that talked about a fucking gun raid on the Palomino Strip Club and it sounded like it was straight out of the movies. This gave Tully an idea for the name for EllisMania 10: Alcohol Tabacco & Firearms. Which sounds legit as all fuck. Tully and Katie did their Onnit challenges and the people on the floor below the studio have to absolutely love it, because their jobs probably suck ass. Ellis got called out about not doing his 40 donut challenge and after have 2 hamburgers from dayum Five Guys Burgers & Fries, the intern was sent out to get 41 donuts. 40 for Ellis and 1 for Dingo. After clearing 9 donuts, Ellis was in panic mode to complete 10 before the show ended and went for it. Then he proceeded to puke it all back up during final calls, it is unclear what made him barf, final calls or a finger down his throat. And with that. I’m calling this bitch done. No fucking jokes, no tada, no nothing. Sorry if you’re disappointed. I did the best I could do. There’s only so many hours in a day and currently, my life is busier than whore with a one armed man in a fucking contest on dollar day with a mule. I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean, fuck it. But also, fuck. You don’t know me. You don’t know my pain. Of time. #Barf

TL;DR
The “Too Long; Didn’t Read” version for you lazy I mean people who are too busy or have attended Derek Zoolander’s Center for Kids Who Can’t Read Good and Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too:

First, fuck you. I took amazingly pain-staking efforts to relay to you what exactly was said without putting in any type of opinion what-so-ever. That’s fucking hard to do. I had to listen closer than most of you do and type even closer. Don’t believe me? You try it sometime.

Second. Holy shit. The drama parts? I paid extra close attention to because I wasn’t there, I don’t know what happened, I’m no judge, I’m no jury, and therefore I’m not able to offer any kind of opinion on. So eat shit if you think I did a bad job.

Most people who were at EllisMania 9 are still feeling the effects.

Overall, EllisMania 9 was a huge success and an even bigger hit.

The fans, for the most part were awesome and helped make it a great time.

Wilson wants an EllisFam lanyard.

Everyone thought the Death! Death! Die! concert was kick ass.

The entire band made mistakes, but it was fine, and the fans that got to sing did a great job.

Josh and Ellis are temporarily not friends at the moment.

Someone might have potentially / allegedly gotten drugged, or maybe they were just drunk.

Gabe Ruediger might have allegedly punched a fan, for no reason or maybe for a reason. It’s a “he said, she said” situation.

Wilson had a date or two and allegedly wanted to get blown or blow someone.

@cogdeth won his fight and was the peoples’ champ.

Ellis kept calling @cogdeth by my name, @bitPimps, and it was hilarious. Especially since Ellis also thinks / thought my name is / was Tim. (running joke now)

Kit Cope accidentally knocked out his team mate, Mike Jasper, and it was funny.

Kenji Gallo kicked @J_Chapel in the dick pretty hard and it was funny too.

Nick Swardson came out to the sweetest music and won his fight against Rawdog.

Rawdog did the best he’s ever done and was coined “The Golden Camel Toe” because of his costume.

Katie made out with some chicks.

Ellis’ hotel room was covered in cigarette smoke and cocaine and he and Dingo have a pretty good idea who was “riding the rails” (because bumps don’t really count)

Tully and Katie resumed their Onnit challenge.

People reminded Ellis he didn’t do the 40 donut challenge after Saturday, so on top of eating 2 fucking burgers from Five Guys, he ate donuts until final calls and then barfed all that shit up.

I hate you all for keeping me up so late writing all this fucking shit that nobody is reading.

But I also fucking love you all for reading this fucking shit that at least a few of you are reading.

I think I need to poop, or maybe my stomach just hurts because I’m working 3 hours of sleep and cigarettes.

With each visit, Sam Rubin is becoming more and more like Ed McMahon, but thinks he’s Johnny.

It’s Monday. So what. EllisMania 9 is the weekend. That’s what. God made a seem in your balls, it gives the illusion of 2 nice normal balls, even if you have 7 small balls. Chicks don’t really get how men don’t feel their balls moving around while walking, we’re just used to our balls. Katie and Andrea have become friends who talk to each other at soccer games, about how Ellis farts in his sleep. Ellis was on Loveline last night. Kardashian something or another. I don’t care. But why doesn’t Ellis get hired as a talk show host? He’ll even wear a wig, damn it! And the answer is, because God is a motherfucker. Ellis sparred a dude today who took his anger out on Ellis, but ended up apologizing for doing so. We heard some more audio from Ellis’ recent visit on KTLA, which ended up ushering in the first guest, fuckin Sam fuckin Rubin. He talked about how Ellis’ business manager plays Mahjong with Sam’s wife or some shit. Apparently Ellis’ business manager also managed Rick James, bitch. Sam also talked about how he’s starting to get a little concerned about his fight with Tera Patrick, which leaves me left wondering if he ever really sparred Bob Dylan or not. Funny enough, during the Kardashian discussion earlier, the guys were talking about how celebrities can’t host talk shows because they constantly end up steering the conversation back to be about themselves. And sure enough, that’s exactly what Sam kept doing at first, it always went back to be about him. I’m sure in life, he’s a real nice guy, he’s had Ellis on his show several times. I’m probably in the minority with my opinion of Sam, or maybe I’m just being a bitch, but he annoys me. Anyway, more power to him.

I’m fantasizing about one of the MMA chicks kicking Sam in the nuts.

Shit. A story about Lindsay Lohan with Sam still in studio. Again, he says he’s “happy to open the door for Ellis to let him charge through”, name dropped some names, and took credit for giving the world Ryan Seacrest, among others. What a modest fellow. Julianna Pena, from The Ultimate Fighter, and another fighter chick that didn’t make it into the house (Colleen Schneider), came onto the show. I assume Sam was the one who found her, trained her, and got her on to the show. They talked about fighting men, getting punched in the boobs, EllisMania 9, and types of guys they date. Sam is still stuck on boobs, worried he’s going to punch Tera in the boob and explode her implant. He kept ratcheting up the creep factor by constantly asking either of the girls to be his corner person during his fight. Ellis let both girls kick him at the same time, one on each leg and that turned out to be not such a good idea as they didn’t seem to hold back much. Julianna hit the punch-o-meter pad and scored a 60 on her first shot, which ended up being her best and may have put her on top of all females who have hit the pad. Ellis almost lost his composure after finding out that the girls do sometimes use their MMA during sex acts to control their partner. And then Ellis really lost his shit when he found out that Colleen had a bleeding box after a knee strike to her cookie during a fight.

Just waiting for Sam to leave.

YEAH! Sam’s gone!

A Brazilian man was murdered by weed. There was a roadblock and he made a run for it, then he crashed and the half ton load of that sticky icky crushed his ass. My only question is, did his friends then smoke him, making that the first stoner to ever fulfill the fantasy of having their friends smoke them when they die. This brought us to discussion about Tully and Rawdog watching The Boondock Saints over the weekend. Spoiler alert if you’ve been living under a fucking rock. Rawdog did not hate it, but he kept comparing it to Pulp Fiction in his head and felt it borrowed a lot from that film. Another thought he had was “holy shit, this is the most Irish movie ever” but liked the tone the movie was going for at first. He also liked that the director left it open for interpretation at the end as to whether the viewer was for or against the saints, which he was against as he thought they were just vigilante killers. This is where Tully disagreed, he thought the saints didn’t take their lives too seriously and knew they were getting lucky to be coming away unscathed and that they were just going around doing what they thought was right. He also thought the 5-story fall was pretty far-fetched because the guy didn’t die. And then there was the gay detective, Tully feels this movie must have been written by a homosexual because of how that whole dynamic played out. Turns out the guy that wrote the movie, Troy Duffy, ended up being a huge asshole to everyone once he sold the script of the movie and now he’s just a huge asshole with no friends. And that’s was where The Boondock Saints discussion ended.

If this recap blows, I blame Sam, fuckin’ Sam fuckin’ Rubin.

The quasi famous, drunken, feral pig in Australia known for steeling beer and fighting cows has died at the hands of a truck, leaving behind a pile of bacon bits. This led us into a round of brand new Wolfknives members being named – the highlight of which could very well have been the idea of having back acne made of gold. That or maybe the guy that said he was a doctor and record label owner. Or maybe it was when Rawdog said that fish don’t have teeth. Or maybe it was the cauliflower pussy joke Tully has been sitting on ever since Colleen talked about MMA on her box. I don’t know, you make the call. Katie came in today so she could take her turn after Tully, both doing their Onnit™ Look Good Naked challenge. Juilanna Pena was anxious to ask Katie how she felt when Ellis starts talking about an ugly chick, which doesn’t typically bother her because there’s usually some kind of creepy involved which is right in her wheelhouse, so-to-speak. After all, she know’s a dude with 3 balls, Buck Manley. But he has nothing on a real man with a real truck.

This finally brought us to the very first call of the show, which also preempted final calls and a possible twerk session featuring Rawdog’s allegedly flabby ass cheeks. The real highlight was a caller who wanted some hemorrhoid talk with 3 ladies in the room. This really put Ellis in the mood considering the in studio audience, but he handled it like a champ. Don’t forget about the EllisMania 9 PSA’s for all your information regarding the who’s, the what’s, the when’s, the why’s, etc. And since Sam was on for half the show, I had time to think about some of the more important issues facing the world and I think I’ve found one for you philanthropists out there. If Africa had more mosquito nets, then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of AIDS. OH!

It’s Monday, and god damn it, my name is not Tim! Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But hey, listen. I mean, read. Fuck it, listen and read at the same time. Ever try that? It’s pretty hard to do and comprehend what you’re reading while you’re listening. Seriously. David Blaine tried that shit once and that’s why he seems a little fucktarded in the dome. A better you than the you, you expected is always a pleasant surprise, it can be a bit confusing, but still. Ellis knows Ricky Carmichael (aka The GOAT), he spoke to him and everything. Why is The Offspring in your mom’s ass? We all know you can’t rely on a shit rope, that shit rope is gonna break, and speaking of which, Wilson is like the weatherman. Tully was at an Israeli wedding last night, and wrote down a quote from the groom’s drunken mother. She called her son her, “United Steak of America, I’m sorry, I’m hungry.” Tully recounted his ordeal Friday and his wife’s grandma. They did a short recap of what happened on Friday’s show for Tully, which included Almart. That quickly turned into cool places that get shit-kicked outta business by big chain stores. What does heaven look like to you? What picture would Jesus give you to help you interpret what heaven looks like? Rawdog? God sends him a picture of the Apple store, though he thinks Superman would greet him into The Justice League. Ellis? He wants pizza Jesus because he doesn’t like people telling him what to do, but he doesn’t mind pizza telling him what to do. Tully? He had some serious logic and it was kind of dark and depressing, fitting right in with the streak of evil that lives inside Tully.

Send in your videos, promise, it’ll be okay!

Prostitution has always been legal in Switzerland, did you know that? Did you know about Swiss cheese, Swiss army knives, and Swatch watches? Good. Moving on then. In Zurich, there has been a problem with street walkers, so they built them their own little whore boxes to do their whore work in. Low and behold, Wilson will be going to Amsterdam and then Zurich – make of that what you will. We heard the rest of the t-shirt design winners and none of them included any of mine, so all you people are dead to me. Do you hear me? Dead to me (not Tim)! Ellis is still trying to convince Tera Patrick to box Sam Rubin, a drunk, trash talking, Sam Rubin. Other potential fighters were discussed, such as @Shanwize1, whose fight last year won fight of the night awards. But if she wants to fight, it sounds like she’s going to have to do the leg work to find an opponent because @FaceplantLauren has a jacked up back. And there’s a lot of open spots still for fighters, so don’t be scurred and make a 3 minute video of you punching a bag, a pillow, the air, whatever and send it in to fightclub@ellismania.com.

What is it about the Richmond’s and eating cum?

Fucking MTV VMAs talk time, you knew it was going to happen, and now here it is – rearing it’s ugly head. Miley Cyrus’ ass was the hot topic for pretty much everyone across the globe. Who cares. What I found more interesting was that apparently Alan Thicke’s son (Robin) is someone with a varying degree of significance to stupid kids? I had no idea. I still don’t even know what he does or why, all I know is Alan played Jason Seaver in Growing Pains. Coolio is auctioning off his entire music catalog, which consists of 8 albums over 19 years, so he can raise the skrilla so he can… become a chef. That’s right, he wants to be line cook at Denny’s or some shit. Nobody told him the only reason “Cooking With Coolio” was semi-successful was because it was hilarious to see a rapper with a cook book? Surprise! Rawdog’s sister (Gabi) also wants to be a chef and she cook chicken and shit. I assume “shit” is slang for crack and that she’s giving up her gangster rap career to follow her dreams. Here’s to wishing you all the best, Gabi. Fat Joe is going to the slammer for not paying taxes on a million dollars of income. Not paying taxes is so fucking gangster. Did you know rich people get really good stuff as compared to poor people? Yeah, me too. Did you know Rawdog took everyone’s advice, shit on it, and then bought a Prius? He also thinks he could get $1k for his old BMW, so if you’re into shitty cars that smell like McNuggets, bust out that mason jar of change and it could be yours!

A bunch of college chicks in Australia took pictures of their vagina in an effort to curb the vaginal plastic surgery rage going on down under (HEYOH) and it pretty much backfired because (lips for days) people that saw (lots of hair) the photo were freaked out (defects), so much so (oh god) that the school (kill it with fire) wouldn’t run the ad in the school’s newspaper. This spawned a shitload of pussy talk from callers, and as you can imagine, it was incredible insightful and nobody made any jokes or derogatory remarks what-so-ever. Just remember, you came from one, so you better watch the lip (HEYOH) or things could get hairy (HEYOH) real quick. Reeking I mean speak of which, I remember one time I went to the doctors office, and while in the waiting room I spotted your mom. “Can I smell your pussy?” I asked. “No! How dare you!” she said. So I responded, “It must be your feet then.” OH!

It’s Friday, your mom’s a cunt, Ellis did her, and Rawdog shit in her mouth. Tully’s out sick today, but more importantly, what the fuck is up with people eating bone marrow? Have you ever shit on the floor, just because you can? Other people have, because they’re fucked up in the brain. Ellis is getting Adrianne Curry to come on the show Tuesday, so you can look forward to that. Rawdog can’t pronounce French words for shit, which isn’t really surprising considering he fucks up his own native language on the daily. But really, who cares about other foreign languages? They all suck. No phones again for most of the show today, AT&T needs a good snowballing and get their shit together. Did you know Kid Rock was around for like 10 years before his first big hit broke? Yea, me neither. The Ellis children are lucky, Big Daddy Rape Cakes went out last night and bought them a 4-wheeler.

When Morpheus tells you, it’s time to listen up.

Katie, Cumtard, and Fletcher Dragge came onto the show today to help out since Tully is gone and there’s no phones. Ellis found a bunch of old CD’s that were his brother’s, Stevie, and inside were also some audio of the show before it was ever even really a show and he was basically a DJ playing songs for a long period of time and talking for just a few minutes. It was pretty funny to hear Ellis, he sounded way younger – and of course we didn’t get to hear much of it because he never likes listening to himself. If you think callers now days are bad, you should’ve heard the callers from back in the day – it almost makes you feel sorry for the callers. Katie’s more rad than I thought, she was talking about Ellis jizzing on Tully’s guitar while he’s playing it – because it make a different sound. Will watched Big Fucking Mega Boat last night and he said it made him feel like he was on acid and he laughed until he cried. Katie made a judgement call about Rawdog Teenage Jeff Goldblum, low and behold she was right, her assumption that Rawdog ZZ Top Testie doesn’t groom his package was true, it’s been months since he’s groomed down below.

Hello, this is dog. Fletcher, you got some crazy stories.

Ellis is still trying to get Rawdog to put the fleshlight in between his legs and Katie said she’d lick his fake cookie if he did it. The verdict? Nope, he’s still not going to do it. Fletcher told a story of a dude that hooked up with some chick, he wanted her to go home with him and her girlfriends were not having and wouldn’t let her go. Next day she wakes up with a rash on her face and goes to the doctor, doctor tells her to not move, he has to go call the cops. The rash on her face is from a certain type of disease that is caused by cannibalism. DAYUM! Some roadie dude for Pennywise, who has Hepatitis C and HIV, stabbed Fletcher in the foot with this pen, trying to freak him out like he had just given him the gift of death. DAYUM, DAYUM! Fletcher doesn’t like TMZ and Harvey Levin, so he see’s one of the TMZ dude’s with long blonde hair around his town and wearing a Pennywise shirt, so he comes up with an idea to grab a pair of scissors and go up to the dude and cut his precious locks. His friend talked him out of it, knowing that he’d get sued to shit, but he still wants to punch anyone who is associated with TMZ and Jared Leto.

Hate Cumtard as much as you want, but he’s a team player.

Tera Patrick came in to play tits I mean a game, everyone filled out a questionnaire and based on their answers, she selects the one she thinks would be the most datable. Hey, did you know her tits I mean dad is a wine maker? Did you know she used to tits I mean bang Everlast before she married that dirtball, Evan, from Biohazard? Anyway, let’s get back to the tits I mean game. After going through all the answers and tallying up the results, the winner originally was tits I mean Katie, but she got booted from competition, so it ended up being Fletcher. The prize was Tera Patrick’s fleshlight, but Cumtard looked so giddy and drunk that Fletcher presented the prize to him. Some Canadian’s worked their beady little eyes into the studio, they’re fans of the show and I guess just stopped by to say hi and get their copy of “I’m Awesome” signed by Ellis. Guess who finally tucked their junk and took a picture with a fleshlight pussy between their legs? Not Rawdog, but Cumtard! So I heard one time that your dad walked into your mom’s bedroom with a sheep under his arm. Your mom was lying in bed reading. You dad said, “This is the pig I have sex with when you’ve got a headache.” Your mom replied, “I think you’ll find that is a sheep.” So you dad said, “I think you’ll find I was talking to the sheep.” OH!