We’ll have Mask vs. Mask Match in which HazMatt and Chief Engineer try to settle their hazmat-suit related feud once and for all.
Vacation Skeleton will probably be destroyed by Malfest Goat-Monster.
Dash, that fool, is challenging the oRa 66 for the Legion Titles on his own.
And Flamander will take a shot at Suzan’s OHPW Infernal Hellweight Title.
Among other things, of course.

We start with the champ, Fomore and the newcomer Maya Northwind in the match. One after another the others enter and fall. The final two are our champ, Fomore, and the newcomer Maya Northwind. Fomore is the first one to actually successfully defend the Seven Deadly Pins.

Going into this match knowing Pantha beat Black by making him pass out to the Pantha claw and that Black squashed Kayu in the previous match you assume that Pantha will have an easy time with Rosette. But it was Rosette who beat Pantha. This show is weird so far.

#5 Singles Match
Vacation Skeleton vs. Malfest Goat-Monster

With our luck Vacation Skeleton is gonna beat Goat-Monster… except he didn’t. Goat-Monster wins with the MGM outta nowhere. Would have been one hell of a crappy debut for a monster heel if they can’t even beat the comedy jobber.

Nobody had high hopes for the two Dash Rendars going into this match and thankfully they were thwarted by Angus and Firestar of the oRa 66

#8 VACANT OPEN CHALLENGE
The Great Maharaja vs. Vacant

Although Maharaja could not beat Vacant, he’s the first one to knock him down hard enough for the referee to start the ten count. Maharaja was defeated via TKO.

#9 Cage Match - Mask vs. Mask
Chief Engineer vs. HazMatt

This feud has been heating up over the last few weeks, eventually they even raised the stakes to become a mask vs. mask match. They used the cage, they used the weapons until HazMatt put Chief into the Containment Unit to win by submission.

Scene: Chief begrudgingly removes his mask to reveal a regular-ass dude underneath. One can only imagine what the nuclear wasteland did to HazMatt’s skin but now we may never know.

As expected from these two they went hard. Suzan hit Knightfall twice on Flamander but he wouldn’t stay down. Eventually he tapped out to the Hijack Backbreaker while not really hitting his own finisher.

“Hey guys, it’s your favorite Panda Girl, Anna May back again after several weeks off. Sorry for the lack of updates guys, I’ve been getting used to my new job down here in hell. Wrestling is hard especially since I’ve had to balance wrestling with school. I gotta get all A’s or my Mom’s won’t let me go to Prom.”

"Wrestling hasn’t been any easier either, in my first match I got to challenge for the Bunny Title but I was beaten by this pink Lady Rosette. Then a few weeks later I had to fight in this Fatal Five Way where I had to fight off four other people, including this creepy old space wizard and this guy with a massive chest. Bigger than any Anime’s I’ve ever seen.

But my trusty claws helped me through and it got a me a second chance at the Bunny Title! This time was against this guy named Mr. Shakedown. I guess he’s called that because he kept demanding my money during the match but I preserved and won the title!

Anna May presents the Bunny title for the camera

"LOOK AT IT, IT’S SOOOOOOO CUTE!!!

“But I gotta work hard to hang onto this, it has to be defended every week and I’ve got to prove I’m up to the challenge. My first opponent is someone named Princess Slaughter. I don’t know anything about her other than she really like barbed wire and blood, she sounds scary. But anyone who’s a Princess has to be fun to be around!”

The Camera turns on to reveal a well lit garbage yard in the middle of the night, Kelsey is standing center screen, practicing swinging her Barbed Wire Bat. A big jacked up dude and an oiled up dude are in the background

Robbie D: “Yo cous, the camera’s on!”

Kelsey: “SHUT UP ROBBIE, I KNOW IT’S ON!!!”

Turning to the cameraKelsey: “Yo what’s up, Welcome to Joisey! It’s time youse all learned da name Kelsey Slaughter! Youse may already knowit from dat time I beat dat fucking Hobo…Hobo, and taught’em who the real ruler of da trash is.”

Robbie D: “I thought youse said dat IGgy just used a randomiser and youse name is what came u-”

Kelsey: “SHUT UP ROBBIE! Dat Randomizer knew what was good for it! Just like that Anna May better know what’s good for her if she thinks she has a chance against me. And if she doesn’t, Paulie show’em what she’s got coming to her.”

Paulie wheels over a crude looking dummy of Anna May, made of brooms and buckets

Kelsey: “Yeah dat’s the stuff! By da way, this is my brother Paulie, he’s the one in charge of building da weapons.”

Kelsey: “SHUT UP ROBBIE, I’M CUTTING A PROMO!!!” So anyway, Anna May, dere’s only room in this company for one Princess and it ain’t going to be you. So youse best ready yourself Anna May, because I’m going to show you why they call me the Trash Princess of New Joisey!!"

Paulie: “WOOOOO YEAH!!!”

Robbie D: “I thought dey called youse Princess Slaughter?”

Kelsey: “SHUT UP ROBBIE, OR I’LL DO TO YOUSE WHAT I’M GOING TO DO TO ANNA MAY ON SATURDAY!!”

Kelsey swings the bat at the head of the Anna May dummy, decapitating it and sending it flying into the camera, knocking it over and killing the display. Through the static something can be barely heard

Robbie D: “I think youse broke the camera.”Kelsey: “SHUT UP ROBBIE, I KNOW WHAT I DID…Shit.”

They have their match and it’s good and everything but neither do their finishers. Then Canada does hers but it’s not enough so they trade roll-ups but that’s not good enough either so Rosette decides to just punch Manic’s face in. Rest in peace, pal.

I said it at the end of the last episode but some people might have already tuned out after the last match ended, but this week we won’t have a show due to me going to some kind of social get together regarding some “birth day” of someone I know. Because I like my friends I will go. But what I usually do when not able to run a show for whatever reason is to give some insights into the making of the show as well as some miscellaneous facts and numbers. So let’s talk a bit about what goes into booking a show.

Our roster has 50 active wrestlers right now (48 of which have debuted so far), with a few more in the pipeline (and submissions being still open). So if you don’t see your own creation or submission for multiple weeks, this is why. We try to give everyone air time even if it’s “just” in multi-person matches. This doesn’t mean your character is not interesting it just means the spotlight is on other people at the moment. As time goes on the plan is to cycle people in and out of that “spotlight”. To make sure we don’t forget to book people I have actually dedicated some space of my monstrous spreadsheet…

The spreadsheet keeps track of all kinds of shit I don’t even use and allows me to narrow down a timeframe. Only want to consider data from episodes 4-8? I can do that.

With our 50 active wrestlers, although, we’ve only seen 48 at this point, we already have more than in my last e-fed, LPFWA. It had a roster that was 48 people deep. Although these numbers are the same it’s actually a very different situation. First of all, we’ve just had episode 9 of OHPW and as of right now 48 people have debuted, that’s exactly the number of people we had in LPFWA. However, in LPFWA the latest debut (Grace Thoruson) was in episode 45… out of 52. So very close to the end. The last incarnation of LPFWA was run in WWE 2k18 which forced us to have separate men’s and women’s divisions (which interestingly, seems to have deterred people from submitting characters with non-binary gender identities, as we have a few of those now but didn’t really before). Separating divisions like this pretty much caused us to have one 30 man roster and one 18 woman roster with tag teams crammed in there too.

We have a lot more freedom now which is both a blessing and a curse. While we can do what we want in terms of pairing people up for matches it’s also harder to find the same amount of focus that was there in LPFWA where people trickled in over time and there were two separate divisions.

I realize you might have been wondering who “we” is. Deathmaster780 and YerPalhal are helping me out when it comes to booking the shows. I’ll ask for input even if I already know what I want to do. Often they have the same general idea. Other times I missed something important and that is being pointed out to me, other times still we change course away from my original plan. While LPFWA 2k14 had a creative team too, LPFWA 2k18 didn’t for the most part. So now having to justify some of my decisions to other people again makes me realize how much thought I actually put into making little video game people throw each other around.

As far as the booking goes we are in this weird place between a shoot and a work. On one hand we try to book matches based on who we think could beat someone else on the other, especially when it comes to debuts or title contenders, we also go at it with the intend to get someone specific “over” in some way. We can’t give everybody this treatment, of course, but for instance, before debuting Malfest Goat-Monster we discussed how he should appear before his first match and who the opponent should be and while I didn’t do a test match (I like to be surprised) we booked the match against Vacation Skeleton because we thought Goat-Monster could probably beat VS. Goat-Monster having this threatening aura initially is pretty important for simply establishing the character as a threat and with the whole “shoot” aspect what might happen next is Goat-Monster losing to someone in embarassing fashion. There’s a lot of moving parts, some of which we can control. Others we COULD control (but I don’t want to) and even more that are completely unpredictable.

Essentially, and a lot of people don’t really understand this, you can’t book an e-fed with conventional wrestling logic because you don’t control the outcome of a match, which is why we often resort to building up to the blow-off of a feud without really having matches. You can’t just say “the dastardly heel Palpatine wins by shenanigans against the valiant face Grace Thoruson at the go-home show so when Grace beats Palpy at the PPV people will be happy to see him get his just desserts.” or “Goat-Monster squashes a couple of people before going on to more competitive title matches or feuds” It’s more like: “All right, we’ll book Flamander vs. Rosette for a No. 1 Contender match and whatever happens happens.” Even if I have my own favorite, who I think should win for one reason or another there’s no guarantee that it’ll happen and even if it does it might be a count-out or DQ which doesn’t hold that same amount of weight.

I don’t think a lot of people care about or pick up on these things, especially if they are sometimes more subtle but it’s important to me to have it in there for those who do. Not that OHPW is a particularly deep show or anything. It’s a wrestling company in which a Pizza and a Pineapple were the tag champs once.

I’ll now just dump some stats, most of them in a kind of “Top 3” format. Since I have this huge ass spreadsheet I might as wall put some of the numbers out there for people to look at. So see you next week when we go back to our regularly scheduled weekly shows. The match card will come, as always, next Wednesday. Unless I forget, in that case it would be Thursday, maybe. Or Friday or uh… well. Let’s no think about that.

Roster:
Total Characters: 57
Wrestlers: 53 (not all of which are done yet)
Referees: 4
Wrestlers that are in teams: 25 (Some of these haven’t been established as a team on screen yet.)

Okay, we’re back and the show will be, you guessed it, in the usual place, at the usual time.
We’ll see the debut of a new Tag Team of Zoltan and Jan Itor (The Space Wizards) and we’ll see if Fomore can continue their streak of actually winning the Seven Deadly Pins.

Okay, we’re back and the show will be, you guessed it, in the usual place, at the usual time.
We’ll see the debut of a new Tag Team of Zoltan and Jan Itor (The Space Wizards) and we’ll see if Fomore can continue their streak of actually winning the Seven Deadly Pins.

Black continues is… redemption story??? Or is it a heel turn. I mean, he’s fighting heels but he’s kinda destroying people for some reason.

Scene: Kelsey and Hobo have a nice chat backstage and they describe the ways they want to hurt each other. Eventually they settle for a match at the next PPV. Then Flamander shows up and demands a debate??? With Pantha??? I guess this is how the show is booked.

#3 Singles Match
Undeddie Guerrero vs. Harmony Gray

Undeddie lies, cheats and steals his way to beating Harmony

#4 Tag Team Match
1 1/2 Dragons vs. Space Wizards

Despite their best efforts the Space Wizards can’t claim the victory in this war of a debut match. Zoltan just has to tap to Roy’s reverse Texas Cloverleaf kinda thing.

Scene: No Wizards allowed prove themselves to be angry at the existence of the Space Wizards. To make things worse, Goat-Bone the Muscle Wizard shows up. NWA are now very disappointed about the world or something

What a match. Easily the MOTN. Boob, Dash, Chief Harley and Lemuel were eliminated close together, leaving the champ, Vacation Skeleton, Pine Appel and the champ, Fomore in a three way. Fomore hits the cap on VS but Pine Appel seizes this opportunity to go for the Eiffel D’Parachute on Fomore and he pins him 1… 2… 3! At 21:55 Minutes. For a grueling eight pinutes Pine Appel and Vacation Skeleton go one on one until VS finally hits the slingshot moonsault elbow they’re famous for after it’s been interrupted over the course of the match twice. VS follows with a pin for the win and becomes the new Seven Deadly Pins champion after 29:46 Minutes.

Back in the Junkyard Kelsey is furiously swinging her bat back and forth

Kelsey: Goddammit! Robbie, tell me why didn’t I win that match.Robbie D: W-what, huh?Kelsey: WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT?Robbie D: Didn’t we already cut this promo Cous?Kelsey: SHUT UP ROBBIE, NO WE HAVEN’T!Paulie: Nah I think he’s right sis, I think we’s did did dis before.Kelsey: …Paulie: …Robbie D: …Kelsey: OK, fine then. Let’s talk about something’s else then. Let’s talk about dat fool Hobo.Paulie: Oh yeah’s, Hobo.Robbie D: I think we’s cut a promo on this before too-Kelsey: Shut up Robbie! Did we cut a promo on that segment in IGgy’s office?Robbie D: I don’t think so-Kelsey: Exactly!Paulie: Yeah!Kelsey: But onto business at hand, Hobo. I was being nice when I ran into you’s at the office, I even not a non-Joisey accent to put you at ease. But the truth is I was looking for you for a while now. Who do youse think youse is? Youse think you can just waltz into my domain and not pay the trash tax? Youse standing there talking about having a shirt and pants and buying a jacket and not sending any of it my way?Paulie: FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!Kelsey: Well don’t worry about it, Because at Doom’s Gate, you will pay what you owe me, IN BLOOD!!!Paulie: BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD YO’S!!!Kelsey: I…Wait what Bro?Paulie: What?Kelsey: …Paulie: …Robbie D: …

A time portal suddenly opens up and yanks Paulie through it

Paulie: AAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEE!!!Kelsey: Dammit Robbie! This is why you don’t mention timeline fuckery. Now Paulie’s been sucked into the timeline.Robbie D: …Wha?Kelsey: Well, go get him. I can’t do it, I got a match in two weeks.

Robbie D looks around nervously before gingerly walking over to the portal and jumping through it. Kelsey turns towards camera shaking her head

Kelsey: You see Hobo, this is what happens when you don’t just follow rules. See you at Hells Gate.

Grace and Harmony make their OHPW Tag Team Debut and go against the Fallout Boys for No. 1 Contendership for the Legion Tag Titles while Undeddie and Mr. Shakedown wrestle over who gets a shot for Suzan’s Hellweight Title next week. There’s more, of course, the match card is below.

Awwwwww man 모두들 안녕? Mina’s back in the house with her pal Angus, and boy do we have a story for you.

Me and my boy Angus were out doing what we do best, drink bars out of business and then torching the place on our way out, when we got a call from our boy Palpy saying that we have a match coming up against the 1 1/2 Dragons. That’s most curious because I didn’t know they let posers have title matches in this company.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure you’ve got some real dragons fire inside you boys, but do you think your Breath of Fire can truly compete with mine? Because let me tell you, all the Dragonsfire in the universe can’t compete with the power of the Firestar.

Mina Points at her necklace

Yeah, that’s the real Fire Emblem right here. So you boys go ahead and bring all the Dragonsfire you want because at the end of the day, 1 1/2, 3, 9, 81, there’s not enough of it to compete with what’s in here.

O flower o’ scotland,
when wull we see
your lik’ again,
that fought ‘n’ died for,
your wee bit hill ‘n’ glen,
and staun against him,
proud edward’s army,
and sent him homeward,
to think again.
The hills ur bare now,
and autumn leaves
lie thick ‘n’ still,
o’er land that is lost now,
which they sae dearly held,
that staun against him,
proud edward’s army,
and sent him homeward,
to think again.
Those days ur bygane now,
and in th’ past
they mist remain,
but we kin aye rise now,
and be th’ nation again,
that staun against him,
proud edward’s army,
and sent him homeward,
to think again.
The hills is bare nou,
an autumn leafs,
lies thick an still,
ower land that is tint nou,
that thae sae darlie held,
that stuid agin him,
prood edward’s airmie,
an sent him hamewart,
tae think again.
O flower o’ scotland,
when wull we see
your lik’ again,
that fought ‘n’ died for,
your wee bit hill ‘n’ glen,
and staun against him,
proud edward’s army,
and sent him homeward,
to think again.