Oh noes! It’s that time of year again where we have to endure gruelling hours and dense crowds in order to buy gifts for people we barely even care about! I mean, this is the time where we have to trail behind out girlfriends/wives and lug around all their gifts. This is a most stressful time for us men, mainly because we haven’t really gotten around to knowing all those people we give gifts to because we’re too busy with our San Diego cars and most definitely our Maria Ozawa DVDs.

(But Ade, it’s only September, you dumbass. Christmas isn’t gonna be around for the next three months LOL)

Well, we have to be prepared. Have you ever tried shopping in December and survived with your foot intact? No? Well, that’s it. That’s why we have to start buying gifts as early as now to survive the crowds. Last year I did my shopping only a few days before Christmas and, well, lets just say I made my chiropractor a very rich man. So that would be my tip # 1: AVOID THE CROWDS AND DO YOUR SHOPPING EARLY!
But if you do get caught in a crowd, there are quite some things that I want you to know:

Bringing a poisonous cobra to a crowded mall may be funny, but it won’t really endear you to mall security. I should know.

I know the temptaion is irresistible, but please don’t elbow those pregnant women in the stomach.

That machete, though I know it enhances your manliness, has to go.

Bringing a bowling ball to knock over elderly people is awesome.

When you find something that you can’t afford, haggle, scream your head off at the vendor, steal the damn thing, but for the love of God, don’t bring out your shotgun and blow the vendor’s head off.

I know how you love your best friend, but frankly, he isn’t really allowed in malls:

When you shop in Divisoria make sure you wear those Kevlar vests that I’ve been peskering you to buy. If you don’t do that you may find yourself with a knife sticking out of your ribs when you get home.

Also, may I recommend a simple but wonderful gift you can give to the ones you love: