Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to
myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of
receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub,
and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and
don't need their picture taken. They are also very happy with their
current phone service. If you're still with me, leave your name and number
and they will get back to you.

The College Special.
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not
here. So leave a message.

If you are a burglar calling to check, then we're
probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the
phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a
message.

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System.
Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later
use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of your
voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no
charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional
extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the
benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment.
Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.