Saturday, March 22, 2008

I went out with my wife, riding around with her while she makes her deliveries for work. It's an enjoyable way to spend time, peeking in at out-of-the-way locations, enjoying the sunshine (when the sun is shining), appreciating the interesting architectural details (there are almost always some, although sometimes they're kind of small ones), and talking.

Talking with my wife isn't quite as enjoyable as it used to be, because each of us is a bit gunshy after all the times one of us has hurt the other. Right now we're trying hard not to, but things happen.

After a ride like this afternoon's, I feel as though we could indeed be reconciled. How things will be tomorrow, though, I will try not to wonder about. There's just no way of knowing.

I've never had many male friends, nor any very close ones. For a long time, I didn't especially care.

Once in awhile, I wondered if I were missing something, or whether I could safely disregard the company of men since I was not gay and wasn't particularly interested in team sports or cars with powerful engines.

I still don't know. But I'm thinking I need to rethink some things, given the insights I've recently had into my relationships with women (see the immediately previous post).

I've been in therapy lately, and although it seemed to me to be moving very slowly at first, I'm coming away now with at least one significant insight per session (I presume that will level off after awhile...).

Often they aren't so much insights as new perspectives on insights I'd had a long time ago.

Old Insight #1: I once said to someone or other that I found eight or nine women out of ten to be attractive, and I felt sorry for men who are only attracted to one woman out of twenty. Why would I want to live in a world that was so devoid of beauty?

Old Insight #2: I noticed years ago that almost all of my friends were women, that I had very little interest in men, generally speaking. I had a vague awareness that this had grown out my adolescent interest in almost every woman I knew (see above), and my desperate desire to have sex with a woman -- almost any woman.

Old Insight #3: I have always been a committed feminist, have always identified closely with women, have always been acutely aware of the daily injustices faced by every woman, and felt them as though they were offenses against myself.

Old Insight #4: A disproportionate number of my former lovers have been self-identified as lesbian or bisexual. More than one has told me something to the effect that I was the only man she had felt attracted to in a long time. One woman who had previously been submissive with women and dominant with men, came around reluctantly to the realization that she did, in fact, want me to dominate her.

New Insight: I see now that the items cited above are related, and that they are not entirely harmless.

It's not terribly sophisticated or "adult" to think of every woman I like as a potential lover, or a "symbolic" lover. It's not really the same thing as declining to exclude a female friend from the category of "possible future lover". It's not even necessarily the same thing as regarding women as friends, or anyway I shouldn't presume that because I find a woman attractive and interesting, I should consider her a "friend", or presume that I am entitled to call myself her "friend".

I've never liked myself as well as other people have liked me. This isn't an endearing characteristic, and I've been aware of it as something I need to work on. It's interesting that as my therapy progresses and I learn new things about myself that are mostly discreditable, I am still liking myself better than I used to.

I guess that means that as I see myself more clearly, I am also better able to forgive myself for not being perfect.

Friday, March 21, 2008

"No. These two gold rings are the ones which my wife and her first husband bought together. They're identical plain half-inch bands, rather unusual in a woman's wedding ring. When they had a quarrel, she took off her ring, and never put it back on. When they broke up, he gave her his. Years later, she brought the rings out and we put them on together.

"Not long after, we were at the Fall Festival and saw plain half-inch silver rings that matched ours perfectly, so we bought a pair of them for our right hands.

"And this one in the middle? One of our kids made this for my wife in art class, as a lost-wax project. See how it says 'MOM'?

"When my wife's arthritis reached the point where she couldn't wear her rings on her fingers any longer, she wore them for years on this cord around her neck. At some point, she just put it away.

"A couple of months ago, she walked up to me and snapped, 'Take off those rings and hand them over!' Horrified, whimpering, I began taking them off. It barely even occurred to me at the time that neither law nor custom obliged me to give them to her. I just did it, while she barked, 'Hurry it up, quit your whining!'

"If she'd just come to me some other way, if she'd said something like, 'If we're going to break up, you shouldn't still be wearing those rings,' quite possibly I'd have given them to her and said nothing more about it. I still don't really know why she chose such an in-your-face approach.

"Only days later did I finally go to her and say that her behavior had offended me, and that I thought she should have handled it with more sensitivity, to say the least. I pointed out that she had repeatedly accused me of showing disrespect to her, and suggested that she might try showing a little respect to me, especially in the context of our marriage and its possible continuation.

"An hour later, she tossed the cord, with all five rings on it, on the table in front of me and walked away without speaking.

"So I took the cord and put it around my own neck, and I've been wearing it ever since. Note that I haven't put the rings back on my fingers, out of respect for her feelings, but I'm carrying them next to my skin, out of respect for my own.

"What will become of the rings next? Well, if my wife and I do in fact break up, I'll give them to her, and if we definitively get back together, I'll put on a pair of the rings -- I don't now know which were hers and which were mine, but I'll put on the ones that fit me best -- and give her the others on the cord to wear or put away as she pleases.

"Either way, I'll put the cord in her hand, because wedding rings are important and should always be handled respectfully.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

"My advice to the gay community is SHUT UP, just don't talk about it. If you walk around talking about what you do in the bedroom, you should be on the pervert channel." -- Oregon State Senator Gary George, trying to silence opposition to his efforts to strip gay and lesbian domestic partners of their hard-earned rights.

Yes, I understand that right-wing politicians are always chasing phantom enemies because it makes them feel important and powerful.

Saturday, March 8, 2008

If someone were to make a movie about your life after the fashion of I'm Not There, how many people would represent you, what kind of people would they be, what might they be called as characters, &c.?

I'll start for myself:

Tiger My early self would be played by a child of about twelve (around the time my wife and I were married, one of our friends described me as "mentally about twelve years old", and I don't know that I would dispute the description), who would lose his virginity, lose his girlfriend, go to college, flunk out, join the Navy, be bounced out on a COG discharge, date some more women, go back to college, meet and marry an older woman, and still be about twelve.

The Doctor At first, the Doctor only appears when Tiger sits down at a computer keyboard, a slick-haired stereotypical "ladies' man" of the 1930s in a white lab coat, with a satchel full of menacing-looking semi-medical devices which are actually instruments of pain and pleasure. Once in awhile he will appear for just a moment while Tiger is talking with one of his lovers, or while he is watching television or reading and something sets off his fetishes (spanking, male dominance, humiliation). Eventually, the Doctor takes over Tiger's sex life, with the grinning mischievous child only appearing in the aftermath of orgasm.

Dad Played by the same actor who appears as Tiger's father in early scenes only with a beard, Dad is a hard-workin' man who feeds his children and supports his wife. Unfortunately, he spends a lot of his time asleep, and in several scenes Tiger is shown trying to prod snoring Dad awake at a critical moment. Tiger and the Doctor both start writing short stories, but it's always Dad who finishes them and sends them off to a publisher, if anyone does.

Mom Played by the same actress who appears as Tiger's mother, only with a beard, Mom is a loving, nurturing soul who plays with her children and teaches them, and is constantly spouting political opinions, often rather odd ones.

There, I think that covers my major facets fairly well. So, how about you?

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Which Beatles song are you?

Your Result: Here Comes the Sun

You're an optimistic to the core, and you usually ride out tough times with the future in mind. Winter is your least favorite time of year. Your positive attitude is not overbearing, and others welcome your encouragement.

Life is full of surprises. This blog (and its predecessor, misterniceguy1960) was originally created for me to advertise for a lover. Later, it served as a brag-diary about my sexual exploits. Now, I am committed to a monogamous relationship with my wife. Surprise.