Ron Funches Was A Junk Food Scientist

Despite being inventive with his snacks, his smug doctor still gave him a hard time about his weight.

TranscriptReally nice to have you back here.
You're doing so great.
It's good to have you back on the show.
RON FUNCHES: thank you.
It's good to be on this side of things.
CONAN: you did standup.
RON FUNCHES: yeah.
Over there it's so cold.
It's much more warm and compley.
I like it.
CONAN: yeah.
I'm glad you like it.
Did you great.
I remembered you came here, the first time you came here you were so funny.
RON FUNCHES: yeah.
The first standup I did on TV and it was great.
I loved it.
I was so excited.
I wanted to show all my family, my mom and my son, who doesn't really care about anything that I do.
But I tried to push it on him and I finally was like, watch daddy on "conan," I love "conan", you love your daddy, so watch it.
CONAN: you got him to watch you on TV.
That's great.
RON FUNCHES: it seemed like it was going to be great.
He just got up, looked at me on the TV and I thought he was going to have this nice moment and he just dropped his pants and then rubbed his butt on the screen.
CONAN: how old is he?
RON FUNCHES: he's 32.
CONAN: I have to say, you look like you're taking care of yourself.
Looks like you dropped some weight.
ARE YOU working out?
RON FUNCHES: thank you for noticing.
Yeah, I've been working out.
I've been eating healthier.
Which sucks.
Oat meal can just straight up suck it.
CONAN: no one says, hey, I can't wait until I eat my oatmeal.
No one says that.
RON FUNCHES: no.
But I used to be so inventive.
I would make cereal with natella or burger king with McDonald's.
I was like a scientist.
CONAN: who mixes --
ANDY: that's exactly like a scientist.
CONAN: who mixes burger king with McDonald's?
RON FUNCHES: a person with a problem, Conan.
CONAN: now you're taking care of yourself.
RON FUNCHES: I got sick of -- I don't want to be sitting here sweating like I am currently.
I just got sick of -- my doctor is such a smug bitch whenever I go there.
CONAN: he's a smug bitch?
RON FUNCHES: I said it clearly, Conan.
CONAN: I think you did.
RON FUNCHES: he's always like -- he doesn't even take the time to check anything.
He's just like, I know what the problem is.
You're overweight.
I'm like, yeah, but I came to you for a medical marijuana card.
[cheers and applause]
I'm not even sure you're a doctor for real.
Your office is in the back of a school bus.