Saturday, May 9, 2015

My Mother...Lana

Today I want to write a little about my mother AKA Marmie. This is my first Mother's Day without her. Last June she passed away due to brain hemorrhaging. This year without her has been one of the hardest of my entire life. I think about her all the time. I pick up the phone ready to dial her number and then set it down again knowing I can not. I have problems and can not look to her for answers any more. I see my daughter getting bigger, taller, stronger, and I realize my mother will not see this. She will not see Serenity's high school graduation, her wedding, or the birth of her children. It breaks my heart, my chest literally aches from the pain.

There are memories I cling to and memories I wish would wash away. Some memories claw away at you while others cover like a soothing balm. I remember climbing into her lap. Even in my young adult years I would gently sit down on her leg and lean into her neck. She would wrap her arm around me and kiss my forehead. She would rock me in her chair and hum.

I remember being on stage for my initiation into the Safety Patrol at school and she walked up to hand me my belt and certificate then stood behind me with her arms on my shoulder. Her large beautiful smile wide across her face. Warmth and love radiating from her.

I remember getting married and her sitting on the bench happily watching me become a Mrs. Supporting and loving me through it all. After, she held a reception for us and bought us a room at a beautiful bed and breakfast for our first night. I can still hear her calling me beautiful and saying I love you in whispers.

I remember her standing over me as I gave birth to my precious Serenity. She calmed me and laughed with excitement and glee as she came into the world. She cooed and awed as Serenity was washed and wrapped up. She was the happiest grandma in the world.

During my hardest times I turned to my mom for advice and support. I looked to her for help and encouragement. When she was gone, I broke. I felt incomplete and severed from my source of life. I felt hollow. Slowly I have to pull myself together and become strong for my own daughter. But it takes a lot of time...it takes a lot of pain.

I know she would hate to see me this way but I can't help it. I can't stop wishing she was there. I can not forget her absence. I wish and wish but its useless. Some wishes just can't come true.

Next month is the anniversary of her passing and I plan to donate to an animal rescue in her name, as well as, hold a give away through my blog. I want to put something positive into the world to balance out the negative. I know my mother would appreciate it. Thank you for reading and for following me on my journey.