In the wake of Monday night’s widely praised presentation of the college football championship game, the normally reclusive Levi’s Stadium agreed to an interview with The Chronicle.

Chronicle: Congratulations on your performance in the championship game. You got rave reviews.

Levi’s: Thanks, but I try not to pay much attention to the critics. I’ve been quietly kicking stadium ass since my doors opened, but oh, the whining! It’s too hot. It’s too far away. The grass is slippery. Whaaa! Talk about entitled. I’m surprised they don’t complain that the goalposts are too yellow.

Chronicle: Are you saying all the criticism is unfair?

Levi’s: Once you get a reputation, it’s hard to shake. Remember the Black Hole of Calcutta? One bad night and you’re getting killed on Yelp for centuries.

Exclusive interview with Levi’s Stadium: ‘I know...

1of14Andy Grammar sings National Anthem before Alabama plays Clemson during College Football Playoff championship game at Levi's Stadium in Santa Clara, Calif. on Monday, January 7, 2019.Photo: Scott Strazzante / The Chronicle

2of14Clemson's Shaq Smith is overcome with emotion after Clemson's 44-16 win over Alabama in College Football Playoff championship game at Levi's Stadium in Santa Clara, Calif. on Monday, January 7, 2019.Photo: Scott Strazzante / The Chronicle

4of14A smattering of fans on the sunny side of the stadium watch San Francisco 49ers play Carolina Panthers in NFL game at Levi's Stadium in Santa Clara, Calif., on Sunday, September 10, 2017.Photo: Scott Strazzante / The Chronicle

5of14Clemson fans cheer a touchdown by the Tigers in the first half of the 2019 College Playoff National Championship Game between Alabama and Clemson at Levi's Stadium in Santa Clara, Calif., on Monday, January 7, 2019.Photo: Carlos Avila Gonzalez / The Chronicle

6of14Levi's Stadium hosts the first preseason football game between the San Francisco 49ers and the Denver Broncos in Santa Clara, CA, Sunday, August 17, 2014.Photo: Michael Short / The Chronicle

7of14Imagine Dragons is visible on the jumbotron as fans watch during halftime of the 2019 College Playoff National Championship Game between Alabama and Clemson at Levi's Stadium in Santa Clara, Calif., on Monday, January 7, 2019.Photo: Carlos Avila Gonzalez / The Chronicle

8of14An exterior view near the Intel Gate A during a media tour before the start of the ribbon cutting ceremony officially opening Levi's Stadium in Santa Clara, CA, Thursday, July 17, 2014.Photo: Michael Short / The Chronicle

9of14SANTA CLARA, CA - AUGUST 31: Head Coach Kyle Shanahan and Special Teams Coordinator Richard Hightower of the San Francisco 49ers stands on the sideline prior to the game against the Los Angeles Chargers at Levi's Stadium on August 31, 2017 in Santa Clara, California. The 49ers defeated the Chargers 23-13. (Photo by Michael Zagaris/San Francisco 49ers/Getty Images)Photo: Michael Zagaris / Getty Images

10of14Fireworks go off during the Halftime Show at Super Bowl 50 between the Carolina Panthers and the Denver Broncos at Levi's Stadium on Sunday, Feb. 7, 2016 in Santa Clara, Calif.Photo: Carlos Avila Gonzalez / The Chronicle

11of14Denver Broncos' Brandon McManus kicks a first quarter field goal during Super Bowl 50 between the Carolina Panthers and the Denver Broncos at Levi's Stadium on Sunday, Feb. 7, 2016 in Santa Clara, Calif.Photo: Carlos Avila Gonzalez / The Chronicle

12of14Coldplay performs during the Halftime Show at Super Bowl 50 between the Carolina Panthers and the Denver Broncos at Levi's Stadium on Sunday, Feb. 7, 2016 in Santa Clara, Calif.Photo: Michael Macor / The Chronicle

Chronicle: Do you think the criticism of you is related to the 49ers’ lack of success since you opened?

Levi’s: Duh. It’s hard to shine when your primary tenant can’t find its end zone with both hands. Look, the Roman Colosseum on its best days couldn’t have carried the 49ers. If the 49ers had played in the Colosseum back then, the sportswriters would have called it the Marble Mausoleum, while they were stuffing their faces with free roasted goat in the press box.

What I’m saying is, it’s hard to look good when your main entertainment vehicle is as artistically compelling as a painting of dogs playing poker.

Chronicle: Aren’t you kind of downplaying some of your shortcomings?

Levi’s: I know I’m not perfect. I worry about skin cancer. I tried everything but Rogaine to cover my turf’s bald spots. I can’t afford to eat in my own restaurants.

But hello! Fans and critics are pining for their dear old Candlestick Park? That field was so swampy it had alligators, and concrete was flaking off like half-ton hunks of dandruff. So charming.

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Photo: Tam Duong Jr./The Chronicle

Chronicle (chuckling): Well, there were no complaints about the heat Monday night.

Levi’s: Hilarious. Night game, I get it. You know, football is an outdoor sport, and the sun is an outdoor object, and that combo works just fine in other stadiums. OK, sure, I get hot, but why don’t I get credit for having so many high-capacity heat-treatment stations?

Levi’s: Everyone’s a critic. Did you notice how I sparkled in the blimp shots Monday night?

Chronicle: You and the Golden Gate Bridge both looked great. Incidentally, what’s with the blimp shots of the bridge every time you host a big game? They make it look like you and the bridge are next-door neighbors.

Levi’s: That has caused some hard feelings. The bridge has been riding my coattails since I opened. We had coffee recently, we talked it over, we came to an understanding. She does her job, I do mine. We’re good. But I’ll tell you what, if people were committing suicide by jumping off me, the critics would have a field day. They’d call it the Levi’s Leap.

Chronicle: Wait, you said you had coffee with the Golden Gate Bridge?

Levi’s: We’re one big fraternity, all the great structures. We compete, sure, but we’re all friends. Except for the Eiffel Tower. So snooty.

Chronicle: What do you think when you hear people say you have no soul?

Levi’s: Dude, I’m 5. When Gandhi was 5, they didn’t call him the Mahatma, they called him Bones. Give me a few years. And look around. Ever been to the Cowboys’ stadium? It has as much soul as Justin Bieber at a Tupperware party.

Chronicle: You mentioned the Raiders. Would you be open to letting them play on your field next season?

Levi’s: I’m a team player, bro. If the NFL asks me to listen to the Raiders, I’ll listen. But I’m not crazy about being the opening act for that “soulful” monstrosity the Raiders are building in Vegas. And I’m no snob, but Mark Davis treats me like it’s closing time and I’m the only floozy left at the bar.

Chronicle: Speaking of bars, that’s your fourth margarita.

Levi’s: It’s 5 o’clock somewhere. Just trying to take the edge off. How would you like it if your next-door neighbor had six roller-coasters? Hey, don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine, as long as I can keep booking Taylor Swift. She never blows out an ACL.

Chronicle: You do well with non-football events, like WrestleMania.

Levi’s: Go figure. A billion-dollar football team makes me look like a clown, yet I bring in a bunch of lousy actors wearing Speedos and people say I’m great. Let’s have another margarita.

Scott Ostler has been a sports columnist at the San Francisco Chronicle since 1991. He has covered five Olympics for The Chronicle, as well as one soccer World Cup and numerous World Series, Super Bowls and NBA Finals.

Though he started in sports and is there now, Scott took a couple of side trips into the real world for The Chronicle. For three years he wrote a daily around-town column, and for one year, while still in sports, he wrote a weekly humorous commentary column.

He has authored several books and written for many national publications. Scott has been voted California Sportswriter of the Year 13 times, including six times while at The Chronicle. He moved to the Bay Area from Southern California, where he worked for the Los Angeles Times, the National Sports Daily and the Long Beach Press-Telegram.