I am still processing. I am still processing. I need about 10 yoga classes and 46 deep, cleansing breaths to finish processing all of the insane information I have been waiting a full season to find out. And now, I’ve basically found it all out! My mind is in overload, I cannot handle it, Namaste.

Now of course, me being me, I still want to know more. Because knowing one thing is never enough! I must know all things! I must! I must! But let’s go over the main stuff first, and then we’ll get to my very small disappointments from last night's "Ordinary People."

1. I see Katherine in the "previously on the 'Vampire Diaries'" flashback. Maybe she’s still alive! Maybe she’ll be in this episode! WHERE IS SHE? I NEED TO KNOW THAT SHE’S STILL KICKIN’! (She doesn’t show up.) Thus, I repeat: WHERE IS SHE? I NEED TO KNOW THAT SHE’S STILL KICKIN’!

2. Now that I’ve freaked out about Katherine, I can move on to my other favorite "TVD" freak-outs: the Originals. Turns out, Elijah wasn’t being completely honest about his past: Yes, his father was a wealthy landowner in Eastern Europe in the Middle Ages, but that wasn’t the full story. Again, the producers make the logic of the story so much more, well, logical than L.J. Smith does in the books. A plague killed one of their children, so the witch Ayanna told Esther, the mother, about a mystical land where everyone was healthy. And what exactly was this mystical land? By Jove, you’ve got it! Mystic Falls! Now, it’s 1000 percent crazy that of all places in what was not even inhabited North America the Original family would settle in Mystic Falls, Virginia, but at least it’s a) slightly shocking and b) really rewarding! Mystic Falls is actually Klaus’ and Rebekah’s and Elijah’s home! It makes sense! Hooray!

3. You couldn’t have possibly thought that we were done with the Originals, right? So, this land was inhabited by werewolves. The Originals and the werewolves lived peacefully for 20 years until one night when Klaus and his younger brother snuck out during the full moon to watch the men turn into wolves. Normally, they all hung out in the caves under their village (you know, the very same cave under the Lockwood property), but this time, the little brother died, and it was the end of peace with the werewolves. And, get ready for a shocker:

4. Mikael was Esther’s wife, and the father of the Original family. He was proud, and didn’t want to run anymore, so he and his wife begged the witch Ayanna to protect them against the werewolves. She refused to do it because of a little, pesky thing we like to call the balance of nature. So, Mikael implored Esther to take matters into her own hands, because, get this: Esther was a witch, too—in fact, she is the Original witch—you know, the witch of the Original family. Those producers are tricky, trying to get us to think that Ayanna was the Original witch and that the Original witch meant the first witch!

5. So, the vampirisim was a form of protection. Esther did the spell, Mikael fed his children blood laced with wine, and then drove a sword through each of their hearts. (You know, typical fatherly love.) He then gave them some random girl to feed on to complete the transformation. Thus, all of the Originals became vampires except for Esther, who did not turn herself, for a witch is a servant of nature, and a vampire is an abomination of nature. One cannot be both. (There goes the internet’s Charlotte Petrova witch/vampire theory.)

6. We know the rest: After Klaus’ first kill, his werewolf side was triggered, revealing the fact that Mikael was not his true father. (Isn’t it crazy that MIKAEL is the FATHER? I thought maybe a sibling, but the father! Damn.) His mother put the hybrid curse on him, turned her back on him and tried to please Mikael. But then, Mikael killed his wife, ripping out her heart. Klaus witnessed it, Mikael left, the rest of the family dispersed, and Klaus, Elijah, and Rebekah banded together as they buried their late mother.

7. Except, that’s not what really happened. Elena (who was beyond awesome this episode. Do you think the producers have been reading my recaps and are trying to make her cooler for my benefit? Humor me, people!) interpreted from the cave drawings (who drew them? WHO DREW THEM?) that Klaus had been lying to Rebekah for 1000 years: Their father didn’t kill their mother: Klaus did. Oh, my, my.

8. In other news, Damon freed Stefan from Ripper Detox 101 and took him bar hopping. Not that they went from bar to bar, more like they actually hopped in a bar (at least Damon did, with his table dancing.) And then Mikael himself showed up. And put his hand in Damon’s heart and was about to kill him until Stefan, through the compulsion, was able to dip deep down into his pool of love for his bro and tell Mikael that he could lure Klaus back to Mystic Falls.

And, scene.

Other important things:
+ I like how Alaric is replacing Isobel as the mythology expert and using his history smarts, but the dude can read Runic? Viking script? Apparently.

+ This was everything I wanted and more, mythology wise. Except, now that I understand the curse and everything, I want to know why a curse put on Vikings by a Viking somehow involves a Bulgarian girl from 400 years into the future. How the heck do the Petrovas fit into this? Do they have crazy roots in Mystic Falls, too? And now I’m laughing because Katherine was running from Klaus and she hid in his hometown. Ha, ha, ha.

+ Klaus was crazy different back in the day. No sign of the bad-ass, confident, evil vampire in Viking times. Rebekah was totally in charge! I guess that’s what 1000 years of running from your murderous father does to you.

+ Rebekah is awesome. Her storytelling powers are exquisite, as is her choice in dresses for Homecoming and her little runway show for Elena.

+ Now that we’ve solved the vampire mystery, I want to know about the first witch ever and how the werewolves came to be and every, every, everything else.

What did you think of this episode? Are you satisfied with the story of the Originals? Does it please you, in the logic of the story, that the Originals resided in Mystic Falls? Were you surprised that Esther was the Original witch and Mikael was the father? Do you think Katherine is going to come back and be alive? Did all these answers just bring up more questions for you? And are you freaking out that next week is the midseason finale? Deep, deep breaths. Say what you think, what you feel, what you need to get out on Twitter or in the comments below! Because there is so much we need to know. So go!