20 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Pregnancy

Now that I'm past the whole gestatin' kids thing, my friends are all amping up to have their first babies. Having started younger than everyone I know, this isn't terribly surprising, but it does make for an interesting case study. My friends, of course, don't have any idea that I'm watching them gestate, taking notes and remembering those days not-so-fondly. I imagine if they did, they'd probably unfriend me.

1. People brag about getting knocked up on the first try. This is especially problematic when you're one of the lucky few (raises both hands) that doesn't.

2. Water can give you wicked heartburn.

3. Your growing belly will become public property. While it starts off as kinda cute, if you're one of those PERSONAL SPACE people, like me, it gets tiring.

4. Everyone wants to share their most horrifying birth stories -- especially if it's your first baby -- the moment you drop the "I'm knocked up" bomb. It's like they want to scare the crap out of you. Try and ignore them.

5. Your hormones are completely obnoxious. One night, as you're lying in bed, fetus kicking the crap out of your internal organs, you'll become obsessed with the idea of baby diapers and insist that your partner drag ass out of bed and go buy some.