12.31.2011

So, for a while I was doing really well with writing a gratitude list everyday and it really did improve my attitude; then I stopped doing it because Thanksgiving was over. Well, guess I better start those little lists again. Sorry if they're boring, but I enjoy them and I need to make them.

I'm grateful for almond M&M's- Joey gave them to me for Christmas. He knows the way to my heart. :)

I'm grateful that I got way too much sleep today. I slept from like 8am-8pm. Sick, I know. But it was much wanted. And I didn't even feel bad about it.

I'm grateful for the new year coming up!

I'm grateful that I have a nice, comfy bed.

I'm grateful for my kitty, Calvin. For realz, who else would lounge around and sleep by my side all day? No one. He's the man.

12.30.2011

You know, life is funny. I thought that being sober would make my life "easy" or at least easier. Seems like lately shit is kind of hitting the fan and there's not anything I can do except keep being sober. This morning I woke up early and went to the hospital to visit my grandpa; while I was there my grandma came to visit and got admitted to the hospital, too. How convenient, right? I stayed and visited for a bit, but after a while it just gets too depressing in there for me.

Luckily, I went to the noon AA meeting or I think my day would have ended a lot differently. It was good to get out of my head and be with other people in recovery who are doing this shit, too. After the meeting, I went and watched a couple of CHS basketball games since Joey is the team manager. I accidentally sat on the visitors side during the first game and since my stress level was already soaring, I almost punched a stupid guy in the face over a basketball game. haha....Luckily, that didn't happen AND Cedar won by like 40 points.

My day was starting to look up and then I got some more bad news. Ugh. I pretty much freaked out and wanted to quit life; luckily, I was able to reason enough to call someone who could help me. I'm so grateful that even when I'm in a really shitty place, I know I can always call someone for help. I got to go in a sweet van ride and talk to someone who really helped put things into perspective. When I left, I almost felt silly for being so dramatic about what is going on. I mean, sure, it sucks...but my life is still pretty damn good.

Today I'm grateful for:

Hope. And people who remind me that there is hope, even when I can't see it.

Joey. It was great to spend some time with him today. I love basketball and Joey, so it was pretty awesome.

Calvin. I freaking love that cat.

My grandparents. I love how in love they are still, even after like 60+ years of marriage.

Good friends.

Horizon House- pretty sure I owe them my life, for real. Especially on days like today. I'm grateful for all the staff and counselors that dedicate so much time to help people like me.

Fun things coming up. Planning a trip to San Fran with April! Should be fun!!

I have a house, a bed, heat, food, and a car to drive today. That's pretty amazing considering I had absolutely nothing not too long ago.

Love.

The sleep I got before coming to work. I was exhausted and it felt so good to get a little nap.

The opportunities I have now that I'm sober. Life, even with all the crazy stuff going on, is really great today.

2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, and 10th chances. I'm grateful I don't have to be perfect...even though I still want to be...

12.28.2011

I know this year isn't quite over, but I thought I'd make a quick list of things I did in the last year and things I wanna do next year! Hopefully I'll have a few things to add to 2011 by the time 2012 gets here! Anyway, here it is...

In 2011 I:

Had a couple of really fun trips to California with Jordan.

Played Loveopoly for Valentines day. I made it up. ha ha

Jordan came to Utah, knocked on my window and surprised me. Best thing ever, to this date.

Missed Joey's birthday. And Jr. Prom.

Snow in Vegas! Weird..and funny because people freaked out over less than 1/2 an inch of snow.

Had my first (and hopefully last) ride on a Greyhound Bus--it failed miserably.

Spent New Years Eve in a ghetto ass bar in Vegas with lots of old drunk people. I didn't get a New Years Eve kiss and I probably barfed a lot.

I had lots of drunken bbq's--I do miss that.

Lots of drunken fights, arguments, and driving.

I had my heart broken.

Left someone that I love.

Checked into rehab on May 5 and completed on June 29 (I think).

Met some really, really amazing people.

Lived at the crisis center for a little over a month. Not too shabby.

Got a job.

Got my first apartment living on my own! And it's cute.

Got a roomie.

Adopted Calvin! I never thought I would love a kitty as much as I love Calv. I'm sure glad that he's in my life--I love him so much.

Made some new friends; made amends with some old friends.

Had a lot of really awkward/depressing moments with my parents.

Chopped my hair and dyed parts of it red.

Hung out a lot with my grandpa at the hospital.

Got to see Joey be the manager of his last High School football game in Salt Lake!

Have been to lots of SUU basketball games with Joey, April, and Bryan.

Gained back some trust from people--they trust me to take Joey, to hang out with my grandparents, and to drive their cars. Holy shit, man.

Went to San Antonio, TX as a birthday present to myself.

On December 29, 2011 I will be celebrating 8 months sober! Time sure is flying...

I thought my family would never accept me for me--but turns out, things are going really well.

Had an amazing Thanksgiving with lots of really awesome people. No drunk fights and I can remember it all.

Thought Calv was going to die--I was heartbroken. Luckily my dad pulled some strings, got him into the vet on a holiday and he was fixed with some antibiotics. :)

Adopted Gretchen. I'm still working on loving her. She's cute but I just love Calv...

Still miss Jordan everyday and wish things could be different--and by that I mean I wish that I could have my cake and eat it, too. Clearly, that isn't possible. Damn. A girl can dream, right?

Started believing in a higher power--although some days are better than others in that department.

Lost things--but gained so much more.

Grew my hair out- it's getting long! I had it in a bun for the last 8 months-ish and now I'm wearing it down and it's pretty long! Coooool.

Got one of my best friends back. Thank goodness.

Wanted to run away to Vegas everyday and haven't. Missing people sucks.

Thought about going running and haven't. haha...

Got a couple tattoos. And by a couple, I mean 8. :)

In 2012 I:

Will complete rehab and aftercare stuff that I have going on right now.

Want to get back into SUU or school somewhere. I miss school.

Have a lot of amends to make to a lot of people.

Want to go to a Jazz game.

Want to go to Disney Land.

Want to go to Texas.

Want to swim in the ocean.

Want to have a cool esty shop.

Want to run more (I'm not committing to anything just yet...haha)...and by more, I mean at all.

Want to get a smart phone. I feel dumb with my non smart phone. Plus, can't play words with friends.....

Want to take the foster care classes. I donno if they'll let me since I'm not actually going to do foster care right now, but I'll try. :)

Want to go camping, at least once. Good sober fun...eek.

Want to go watch the NCAA tournament in Vegas. Wish me luck. ;)

Want to fit into my old jeans. hahhaha....right....

Want to go to Lagoon.

Want to get a car.

Want to get another job.

Want to spend a few days at the cabin.

Want to spend a sober weekend in Vegas.

Want to make new friends, keep old friends, and have fun!

Want to travel any chance I get.

Want to have a brain transplant--or have my life be like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind...either way will work. Lets do this shit. I don't wanna be sad anymore.

12.26.2011

OMG, Christmas this year was more fun than I've had in a long time. I'm so grateful for all the wonderful friends and family that I got to spend time with over the last week or so. It's been very pleasant; I got hooked up with lots of awesome presents!

Corinne gave my roomie and I a bunch of cute stuff for our apartment--the frame is my fav (so cute).

I got some UNO cards from a White Elephant party--and parted with some candy panties in the same gift exchange. Damn.

I got a cash bonus from my work--not a lot, but still....pretty cool.

I'm getting paid for 3 days for working Christmas. Bonus.

I didn't get drunk. Not even once! I remember all of Christmas this year- weird, and a little amazing.

I have played more rounds of Rummy with my grandparents in the last week than I have in the last 5 years and it's been a blast! My grandma can't remember what she cooked for breakfast, but she sure can play some cards!

Sub for Santa was a huge success and lots of fun! I'm relieved that it's over because I stress out about that kind of stuff, but I'm so grateful to everyone who helped make it possible! So awesome!!!

Work has been dead for the last 3 nights- I've had plenty of time to play Words with Friends, craft, visit with friends, dream up new plans for my life, and have lots of new tattoo ideas. Life is good.

Bring on the sober New Years! My boss asked if I wanted New Years Eve off...I laughed. I will be working--better safe than sorry, right?? I figure I might as well get paid to hang out than to be bored and lonely on the biggest drinking night known to man. Sober New Years Eve parties should probably last a little longer than 1am...just sayin'.

Anyway....I guess it's time to think about some New Years resolutions, eh?

Pretty sure my dad is the coolest dad ever. And he is also my hero. He is always doing something to help someone else and always puts everyone before himself--even complete strangers. I'm grateful for my dad and that I get to spend time with him on his birthday this year.

12.14.2011

12.12.2011

I just stopped for like 2 seconds to think about my life and I realized that I'm happy! For the first time in a long time, I can honestly say that I'm truly happy. Sometimes I get so caught up in the things I have going on that I don't take time to notice how I feel or what I think...sounds weird, but it's true. A few things happened this weekend that definitely made me glad to be sober and that I get to be doing something different; I don't get to drink when I'm bored or lonely, but it seems that I don't get bored anymore and I'm only lonely if I choose to be. Life is good and I'm very blessed! Holy cow, bring on the good times!

12.11.2011

Pretty sure I love my life. A lot. Things have been crazy...and will probably only get crazier until Christmas, but I love it!

My friend Becky made this cake! Sweet, right?

On Friday we had a fundraiser bake sale for Sub for Santa. I was expecting to make around $100-$200 dollars...we made $550.00! Holy cow! I have amazing friends who donated amazing amounts (and quality) of food and it showed!

So many people gave us so much money and I was amazed at the support we got. I had so many cool experiences and lots of awesome things happen- people are so freaking cool.

Anyway, if you're reading this and would like to get in on the sub for Santa project you can go here. We would love all the help we can get! I'm so excited for this and I'm so glad that I get to give back this year.

Tonight my roomie and I decorated our apartment. I haven't been feelin' Christmasy this year, but I'm glad my roomie insisted that we decorate. We still don't have a tree, but it feels much more like the holidays now and I like it. Maybe I'll construct a paper tree again this year...who knows?!

12.04.2011

This morning when I got home from work I decided to sleep on the couch so that my coughing wouldn't wake my roommate up. I was hacking my lungs up for about 20 minutes and I felt like I was going to die. The only thing in the world that I wanted was a bottle of NyQuil and a sleeping pill to knock my ass out.

Then someone knocked on my door. My neighbor from downstairs brought me some medicine. Ugh. I had to tell her I couldn't take it... Awkward and a little annoying because I really wanted it. Oh well, such is life.

12.03.2011

Work all night. Take grandpa to one doctor. Rush grandpa to the next doctor. Pick up prescriptions for grandpa. Go to an AA meeting. Call Joey. Dump food in a bowl for the cats. Shower. Pick up roomie from work. Go to HHW for a group. Go to another AA meeting. Do mentor stuff. Back to work.

Sometimes my life seems like a giant checklist that I just need to cross off. I get overwhelmed, bitchy, and pretty miserable to be around.

For exmaple:

On Thursday night for the mentor program I went to Horizon House to decorate some Christmas trees for the Sub4Santa project that we're doing. It was a little chaotic and I just didn't want to be there. I was bitchy and just wanted to get it done so I could go home. I stayed for a couple of hours but didn't really do much except complain. But I crossed it off my list and moved on.

Tonight at the AA meeting one of the women shared about how she was so excited to decorate the trees because she was thinking about how happy it was going to make a family. She was one of the few who, despite the unorganized mess, kept working and re-doing the lights on the trees. Wowzer... I really needed to hear that. Lately it seems like I'm just doing things to check them off my list. I don't really think about what I'm doing, I just do what I need to do and get to the next thing. How miserable is that? I want to be able to enjoy life and not just get through it.

This week I'm going to try to stay in the moment, look at things from a different perspective, and enjoy the hell out of it. I really needed this little wake up call.

12.01.2011

Last night when I went to group at 6pm it was nice outside and I was wearing flip-flops; when I got out of group at 9pm I was still wearing flip-flops and it was not nice outside...it was snowing like crazy! I usually don't love snow, but I liked it this time. It is beautiful outside and everything looks so fresh.

I can't believe it's December! I don't know where time is going and I feel like it's only going to get faster. I have so much going on and I love it all! The holidays are so much fun and I'm excited I get to spend them sober and with people that I love dearly.

A few of my friends on facebook posted this video and I thought it was pretty cool.

While I lived in Las Vegas I met a lesbian couple who were maybe in their forties or early fifties and they had two small children. At first, even being gay, I was kind of sad for the kids. I mean, I don't know what I'd do without my dad. He's my hero! After being invited into their home for their sons birthday party, I soon realized that their children were some of the happiest, smartest kids I had ever met. It was inspiring, to say the least. Although I don't know what I'd do without my dad, it was apparent that these two women had definite roles and that the kids were not being deprived in any way.

There are people who argue that if two homosexuals raise a child, the child will be homosexual. Maybe? But isn't it the same if two heterosexuals raise a child- shouldn't the kid be heterosexual? It doesn't work that way. I think that if someone who is able, both physically, emotionally, and mentally wants to have children, who are we to say they can't? I know plenty of heterosexual couples who should probably stay on birth control and never reproduce...but no one tells them they can't have kids.

I have wanted to adopt for a long time. Even when I was in a heterosexual relationship, adoption was something that I felt very strongly about. It was the cause of many intense discussions and a few fights. I believe that every kid deserves love and that it doesn't matter whether or not I'm the biological parent or not. Not everyone feels that way and to each his own. I don't know what life has in store for me or what I'll be able to do but I would love to adopt someday, whether it be with a partner or by myself assuming I'm in the position to care for a child properly.

I know this is a sensitive subject and it's something that I think about often. I wonder if I'll even have the right to adopt a child or how that will work out. I don't want my sexual orientation determining whether or not I'm a suitable human being that could care for a child. I don't know all the laws and I haven't done a lot of research on this topic because I'm not in a position in my life where it's even relevant yet. All I know is that I hope someday I can have a family, too. :)