Your leaders, hard at work

Ranger Rich

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I know a lot of you have been terribly worried about the president's
proposed health care changes. I don't blame you. After all, we've been
warned of planned government death squads by none other than health
expert Sarah Palin, who accidentally swallowed the citrus slice
from her bottle of Corona last week and is worried she'll get Lyme
disease. She also believes you can be stricken with scarlet fever by
repeatedly watching Gone with the Wind, and fears her lovely
daughter Bristol is at risk for swine flu because of those pigs
she calls boyfriends.

Personally, I'm just hoping no one messes with my own health
insurance plan, a terrific benefit provided by my employer, the
Independent, allowing me up to three visits per year to my
assigned provider, who is trained primarily in the veterinary sciences.
(He recently increased the office visit co-pay by $5 for patients who
engage in any prolonged scratching in the waiting room, along with a
$40 carpet-cleaning surcharge if we can't make it outside to the
bush.)

The point here is that we can all stop worrying about our nation's
health care system because, luckily for us, the esteemed members of our
El Paso County Board of Commissioners are now trying to help America
with the whole reform thing.

If they have any extra time, they might actually try to get a road
plowed this winter. Or have a pothole filled. Or, if you're outside
city limits, perhaps even hire someone to remove the rabid stray pit
bull from your leg.

Seriously, in a sweeping, unanimous resolution last week, our county
commissioners proclaimed that "the United States should not pursue a
public health insurance option and instead pursue a policy that relies
on private options in a reformed and well regulated private
market."

These, I might point out, are the same five people who have slashed
the county health department budget so severely in recent years that
our village's restaurants are seldom, if ever, inspected. And nothing
says "public health" quite like sitting down to a big, steaming bowl of
rat fur chowder.

Personal note: I was eating a salad last week and a crouton bit me.
Luckily, County Commissioner Jim Bensberg was at the next table
and I was able to kill the angry crouton by smacking it with a
rolled-up copy of the Indy — one of about 300 copies
Bensberg had been hiding under his coat.

(For those of you who have moved to our village recently, perhaps
lured here by the magical dream of lousy jobs, poorly planned growth
and 15th-century thinking, Bensberg was, a few years ago, alleged to
have tucked an entire stack of Indy newspapers — a story
in that issue questioned his ethics — under his coat in the
county administration building. Security camera images captured his
alleged getaway.)

Anyway, Bensberg and the other four commissioners passed a strongly
worded rebuke of Barack Obama's health care reform plan at a
recent meeting and offered some health care advice to the new
administration. This week the commissioners will get back to the work
they were elected to do: petitioning North Korea to end its rampant
nuclear production.

(Actually, word around town is that the commissioners are set to
unveil a plan to rid America of homelessness, a plan crafted after
Nancy Reagan's wildly successful 1980s anti-drug campaign called
"Just Say No." As I hear it, their plan to end homelessness will be
called "Just Buy a House.")

Seriously, as El Paso County (motto: "Streetlights Are For
Sissies!") continues to be held together by chewing gum and duct tape,
I'd like to take this moment to thank the commissioners for spending
their time wisely.

Oh, and by the way, not mentioned in the resolution was the fact
that all five commissioners enjoy a high-end, health insurance package
— the plan offered to all full-time county workers — that's
paid for by us. They even have access to an on-call physician, right
there inside the county administration building. I'm guessing they
especially don't want that to be reformed.

Because having health insurance is important.

Especially when you throw your back out trying to stuff 50
Independents under your coat.