Comments (23)

My personality is such that I have a flaming hot temper, hold grudges, have a vendetta-seeking type personality and don’t trust people easily... I am though very kind in my soul and used to be very trusting

That is not a personality. Those are dysfunctional coping skills that you learned due to trauma.

He's lying about the escorts. Nobody meets escorts for lunch. He has cheated on you, with escorts, probably with others. He isn't remorseful as he's lying to you.

You need to ask yourself why are you with somebody that inspires you to "go ballistic"?

You need to get a handle on yourself before you go to jail. Sometimes being with a constant liar can make people feel crazy and when you have underlying trauma, it can trigger you. But YOU and only YOU are responsible for YOU.

Hey all. I’m Posting this under my real name because I’m open about things that have happened the past few years between my hubby and I. I just need some advice on how to move forward from other people who have been there, done that!

A bit of background; married for 16 years, I’m late-30s, dh (dear husband) is 10yrs older. We have 2 kids a middle school aged child and a newborn. Both of us highly educated and we both work.

My personality is such that I have a flaming hot temper, hold grudges, have a vendetta-seeking type personality and don’t trust people easily... I am though very kind in my soul and used to be very trusting. It’s just once I loose trust I can almost never regain it! I had a very abusive childhood with an alcoholic/adulterous dad and a Martyr-type Narc mom. I have no issues with confrontation at all. The personality bit is important... I’m also extremely tech savvy as is my hubby but I’m kinda more-so.

Ok so, in a nutshell, dh (dear husband) and I went through a good 4-5 yrs where we grew apart. Like didn’t hang out, didn’t sleep near each other, basically just together for our eldest kid. Going through the motions of marriage.

Last summer...we separated for 1 month after I discovered two things which devastated me. One he had and admitted for several years been texting and talking to escorts. He met them through a sleazeball friend he knew for a long time. This friend of his is married but openly visits prostitutes. He did NOT sleep with them... instead he’d meet them for lunch downtown or drinks or just talk on the phone. And two, I also found out at his new job as of last summer he made friends with a guy I believe is/was a Sociopath, the guy was equally well educated so I guess they clicked on some intellectual level and dh (dear husband) would come home blabbing all giddily about some bullshit they discussed which was 100% the opposite of what I knew his personal beliefs to be. For example he said they discussed adultery and the guy said adultery actually strengthens marriages and then he said the guy was hooking up with his neighbor. Shit like that. This guy managed to hack our phones and get the number of a friend of mine who is married but in a troubled marriage. Basically what resulted was crazy cat fishing by the guy to essentially get her to hook up with my husband. It got really weird. I ended up discovering everything. Nothing physical happened, obviously.

So I left, I assumed due to the things I was discovering that he had a girlfriend. So I figured why stay? Let him enjoy his life. I took our son and filed for divorce and custody. I let him know that I was ok with him having a girlfriend but not at the expense of our marriage. I work so I began setting up my new life. The court gave temporary emergency custody M-Th to me and F-Sun to him.

We ended up through an intermediary deciding to attempt to work things out. Be separated but not divorce quite yet. Everything came out. He admitted basically everything. Started to be 100% open with his life. No passwords, explained what ever asked. At this point my vengeful personality trait kinda took over and while I felt kinda at peace with him... he was 100% honest and trust me. I knew it. I dug through all aspects of his life, finances, cell records, email accounts, even contacted the escorts whose numbers I found in old emails. Like I did more digging than the CIA. I ended ur going off on my ex-friend and tracking down said socipathic friend of hubbies and threatening him... I also made records of all correspondences and let ex-friend know that I will gladly give everything to HER husband to show him who she really is. Basically I went ballistic.

We saw a marital therapist for a few months but neither of us thought it was useful. I’mNot a fan of therapists at all,

He IS regretful. He is sorry. He said he was LONELY and wanted someone to talk to because I alienated him for so many years... it went both ways, we both alienated each other. But we grew apart. It happens. He wishes he could erase what he did but can’t. Basically he’s attempted to make amends. He noLonger contacts the sleazeball guys he knew, he is open with his tech. We now have joint accounts. We made the intention to get back together to fix our marriage. We now do date nights and try to hang out and actually talk.

But, the problem is deep down I CAN NOT MOVE ON. Almost anytime we have a disagreement I bring it up. I still occasionally dig through his stuff, I dig further back, he knows I monitor his stuff and deep down I want to kick the a$$ of the ex-jackass friends.

It’s wearing on us both. He says why can’t I move on? Why can’t I trust him anymore. If w can’t figure this out in the long term then we need to consider the alternative. I’m against remaining married “for the sake of children”... that’s a bullshit excuse for a lifetime of misery.

I dunno I just need some advice. Will we ever really be healed? Move on?

FYI (for your information) I’m not religious so no religious book suggestions pls.

Lunch with escorts.... Come on OP, you can't really be buying that story can you? That's a story lying cheaters tell. People pay for sex with escorts. That's how it works OP. Sounds like you two need to go your separate ways. And I agree with PP, you have some really dysfunctional coping mechanisms. Please seek therapy so you don't teach your kids the same thing or, you know, go to jail for criminal behaviour.

My personality is such that I have a flaming hot temper, hold grudges, have a...

Posted
06/14/2018

My personality is such that I have a flaming hot temper, hold grudges, have a vendetta-seeking type personality and don’t trust people easily... I am though very kind in my soul and used to be very trusting

That is not a personality. Those are dysfunctional coping skills that you learned due to trauma.

He's lying about the escorts. Nobody meets escorts for lunch. He has cheated on you, with escorts, probably with others. He isn't remorseful as he's lying to you.

You need to ask yourself why are you with somebody that inspires you to "go ballistic"?

You need to get a handle on yourself before you go to jail. Sometimes being with a constant liar can make people feel crazy and when you have underlying trauma, it can trigger you. But YOU and only YOU are responsible for YOU.

So stop that.

I do believe the lunch stuff per se as I checked all financial records, I also found out how much said women charge and I also checked the locations on his phone for those days. He had no idea... apparently that there are ways to view where you’ve been and for how long. No records were found that corroborate with actually sleeping with the escort. It’s always possible to delete stuff but then he’d have deleted other things I found. So I dunno.

I do believe the lunch stuff per se as I checked all financial records, I als...

Posted
06/14/2018

I do believe the lunch stuff per se as I checked all financial records, I also found out how much said women charge and I also checked the locations on his phone for those days. He had no idea... apparently that there are ways to view where you’ve been and for how long. No records were found that corroborate with actually sleeping with the escort. It’s always possible to delete stuff but then he’d have deleted other things I found. So I dunno.

Honey, there are burner phones. There are secret accounts that are very easy to get. You will NEVER KNOW the full extent of the truth unless he chooses to tell you. Someone that regularly uses escorts is a sophisticated, advanced cheater. I'm sure he knows you can track him, he doesn't sound stupid (about this anyway).

Honey, there are burner phones. There are secret accounts that are very easy ...

Last edited
06/14/2018

Honey, there are burner phones. There are secret accounts that are very easy to get. You will NEVER KNOW the full extent of the truth unless he chooses to tell you. Someone that regularly uses escorts is a sophisticated, advanced cheater. I'm sure he knows you can track him, he doesn't sound stupid (about this anyway).

You are being very naive and acting quite unstable.

I know abt the burner phones. I found everything and hacked into the secret accounts.

This Internet site provides information of a general nature and is designed for educational purposes only. If you have any concerns about your own health or the health of your child, you should always consult with a physician or other healthcare professional. Please review the Terms of Use before using this site. Your use of the site indicates your agreement to be bound by the Terms of Use.

This site is published by BabyCenter, L.L.C., which is responsible for its contents as further described and qualified in the Terms of Use.

You are passing a message to a BabyCenter staff member.
For the fastest help on community guidelines violations, please click 'Report this' on the item you wish the staff to review.
For general help please read our Help section or contact us.