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10.20.2015

Climate Change Reframed for GOP: "Oceans Invading U.S."

LAST UPDATED @ 11:18PM (10.20.2015)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, climate change scientists reframed their argument to appeal to Republicans by releasing "Oceans Invading U.S," a new documentary film warning Americans about a slow, insidious invasion of American soil by tyrannical oceans that surround the United States. TNA viewed the 10-minute film, which asserted, "true patriots must defend America by starving the communist-fascist oceans of an anti-American, possibly Muslim, substance called carbon dioxide."

"'Oceans Invading U.S.' does not mention climate change even once. It turns a lot of complicated scientific things into a patriotic appeal to protect the United States and its soil from very scary oceans, and tells Republicans they aren't real men like Russian President Vladimir Putin if they refuse to do what the film suggests," explained TNA Senior Researcher Dick Schneider.

The Atlantic Ocean - drunk on carbon dioxide - taking cover under clouds as it prepares for another attack on the mainland of the Northeastern United States.

Schneider added, "And what the documentary suggests is to massively curb carbon dioxide emissions as quickly as possible, because if the Republicans don't do that they are in favor of rendering aid to the very oceans that are our enemies. The oceans are described with various dog whistles like 'liberals,' 'feminists,' 'takers,' 'gays,' and, of course, 'Muslims.'"

"The film also largely ignores the rest of the world and focuses exclusively on what is in the best interests of the United States, namely destroying the imminent threat of both the Atlantic Ocean and Pacific Ocean," stated Schneider.

Most Congressional Republicans had watched "Oceans Invading U.S." by press time, and a majority wanted to launch immediate airstrikes on the oceans while the mad-right House Freedom Caucus asked if there was a plug to pull that would drain the oceans "to somewhere, possibly China."