We often want simple explanations and solutions to very complicated problems. Telling women to get away from violent men is obvious, and relieves the stress of the moment. That's no solution though.

I am no fan of American football, which to me is an icon of how we nearly worship violence in our culture. I don't like that definition of masculinity, the man who can fight viciously while enduring great pain, the man who sacrifices himself to the violence of war to prove that he can take it, the expendable nature of boys and men in general.

Many, if not most, of the young men who volunteer for military service do so in order to go through the rite of passage into some idealized notion of manhood that endures the suffering of violence. Solving the problem of violence against women means changing our definition of what we expect of our boys and men, especially teaching them less violent means of resolving issues.

A new definition of masculinity particularly means changing women's attitudes, too. Witness some of the most rabid football fans who are women. If you want men to be less violent, then quit glorifying violence.

When one is the victim of violence, we all suffer the consequences. An adolescent male, even at the age of thirty or forty, who doesn't know how to calm anger and resolve conflict reasonably, remains a threat to everyone. Changing that male into the person we need him to be takes concern, commitment, and effort from all of us.