Posts Tagged ‘Shut Up Bacon’

New Rising Media reports “Study Shows Eating Bacon Will Make You Live Longer,” an incredibly misleading headline about a study in which scientists tested roundworms with doses of niacin. My favorite part of this report? “The vitamin [niacin] is also rich in the likes of Marmite, paprika, peanuts and sun-dried tomatoes.” Because, as we all know, Marmite is one of the leafy greens found in the wild known for its properties of longevity. (Do they know Marmite is a brand? Do they know it’s a spread created by humans?)

I mean, if you wanna eat bacon, just shut up and eat it already. It’s not going to make you live longer. If you love it, maybe you’ll enjoy your days more. If you write for SUF, however, you’ll die sooner because everyone keeps bro’ing out on it and it’s been driving you crazy for years.

This is my favorite part, though—topic transition of the year, methinks!

Barley & Grain in New York offers a Bacon Manhattan, while Double Down Saloon in Las Vegas serves a Bacon Martini.

A spreading virus called porcine epidemic diarrhea may curb gains in pork production. Reported in 19 states since April, the virus slows growth of older hogs and has a mortality rate as high as 100 percent in suckling pigs younger than three weeks, data from the Iowa Pork Industry Center data shows.

DOUBLE DOWN INDEED. I wish you all a new year free from porcine epidemics and full of baconless martinis.

. OH WAIT ONE MORE THING AND I WILL GO TO LOWER CASE FOR THIS BUT KNOW IN YOUR HEART I AM STILL SHOUTING:

Not only is Applegate ruining something I consider holy, Christmas decorations, but their website has a section called FAQS. THIS MAKES ME CRAZY LIKE A CRAZY CRAZED PERSON. What does “FAQ” stand for? “Frequently Asked Questions.” IT IS ALREADY PLURAL. You literally cannot have FAQS. I WILL ROONEY THIS TO MY GRAVE.

Shut Up, Bacon.

And that goes double for ironic bacon.

We are in the midst of a bacon bubble—and a growing number of chefs (some of whom quietly admit they helped inflate the bubble to begin with) say it’s about to pop. Bacon had a good run, but now it has gone flabby—used too much and too often, it’s lost its novelty and coated fine dining with a ubiquitous veneer of porky grease.

Thank god Batter Blaster, the weaponized pancake batter that comes in a spray can, will soon have a bacon flavor. Because when drunk people come home and squirt liquid pancake into their mouths, they should have a range of flavors to choose from.

As I’m sure I’ve mentioned 456,874,398,473 times, I’m currently working at an office job rather than at home with my cats. True, it is a perversion of the natural order of things, but I’m kind of enjoying interacting with humans who don’t live within three blocks of me, being thanked and praised for the mildest of accomplishments, and the fact that at least once a week someone has a birthday or gets sent a cake or a box of candy or something.

Today it was a box of cookies from The Cravory. (See what they did there? Clevor.) The Cravory did not send us samples of all NINE HUNDRED AND FIFTY cookie flavors available at their retailory, but they sent a pretty big selection, including Ultimate Chocolate Chip, Lemon Cherry Basil, Oatmeal Pear Fig, Red Velvet, and… Pancakes and Bacon.

Naturally this caused some discussion amongst my colleagues, mainly along the lines of, “Gross,” “Is this for real?” and of course, “Who would eat them?” We determined the most likely consumers to be heterosexual men, pregnant women, and hungover people of either gender, and left them on the counter with all the other cookies as bait to test our hypothesis. I wondered if I should announce I would be chronicling the experiment in my food-blog-that’s-not-really-about-food and figured I would keep my identity secret in order to maintain the integrity of the results.

While waiting for our subjects to participate, I looked at the Cravory website to find out more. First, although they advertise on the front page the NINE HUNDRED AND FIFTY flavors available via their “Create Your Own Cookie” service, the page for it has a disappointing “Coming Soon!” on it, looking rather lonesome. It expected to have 950 friends, I suppose. On the “Signature Cookies” page they describe the Pancakes and Bacon cookie thusly:

The perfect combo of salty and sweet, Pancakes and Bacon is a supremely rich, yet playful alternative to any “Big Breakfast.” Rich mini maple chips, pure maple syrup, and hand-chopped Maple Smoked Bacon are carefully mixed in to a hearty Pancake batter dough. The complexity of this trendsetter cookie gives way to layer after layer of breakfasty flavor. Although this daring creation takes a walk on the wild side, P and B truly shines by showcasing the classy side of bacon and introducing it to the purest of gourmet ingredients. This cookie will blow your bacon and eggs out the Denny’s Window.

Blowing your meal out a window? That does sound classy.

As we go to press (ie, I have to get back to work), no one has taken the bacon bait. Fear not, fellow Scientists! I will update with any developments.

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Blue Hill at Stone Barns (hey, I’ve actually pulled carrots there, not kidding) announces the latest fad in welcoming customers: a cured egg yolk lei! As patrons enter the restaurant, they’re greeted with the lei and directed to their seats. Oh wait, no they’re not. The restaurant takes the cured eggs and grates them over […]

New Rising Media reports “Study Shows Eating Bacon Will Make You Live Longer,” an incredibly misleading headline about a study in which scientists tested roundworms with doses of niacin. My favorite part of this report? “The vitamin [niacin] is also rich in the likes of Marmite, paprika, peanuts and sun-dried tomatoes.” Because, as we all […]