Tag Archives: Christian Garcia

Rookie hazing is a part of baseball. It’s kind of like fraternity hazing, only there’s a lot less alcohol involved. Unless you’re a member of the Houston Astros, where that is the only thing to numb the harsh reality that you’re a Houston Astro. Thanks to a tweet from Gio Gonzalez, we found out just how the Nationals are hazing their rookies; by making them dress up as the 2012 USA women’s Olympic gymnastics team.

Well now just who is who? Which National is which Gold Medalist Olympian?

There are many Garcias in baseball, but only one who is a true Christian. Only one who has found the true path to success. Some Garcias like Freddy believe that the path to true enlightenment is through throwing an 80 mph fastball. Others like Karim believe that fighting groundskeepers is what we were put on this earth to do. But our Garcia knows the true path to success. The Christian way, which in his case involves meandering about in the minors for nearly a decade and reaching minimal fame.

We must all follow Garcia’s example, and live our lives the way he has lived his. To do this, I present to you this form of Christianity’s version of the 10 Commandments.

Hopefully Garcia continues to make hitters angry, like when he infuriated Nick Swisher by being so good at video games.

The Duke of Zachs has arrived to rule over Washington. He will rule with an iron fist, which explains why he’s declined as a pitcher. Must be hard to not throw everything into the ground with a hand that heavy.

In addition to adding a Duke, this team just got a little more Christian. No, we didn’t hire a team priest. That would be too dangerous with all the young players on our team. We called up Christian Garcia. Garcia has yet to pitch in the big leagues, despite playing 9 years of professional baseball. I suppose he’s just like a fine wine. Teams have just been waiting for him to reach the perfect age before consumption. Like some experiences with wine, let’s hope he ends up tasting great. As opposed to other experiences with wine that make ourselves regret every decision we made.