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It has been a while since I last posted about my darling Gwynniepoo and her adorably misguided jaunts into online retailory. As I'm sure you know, with the holiday season comes an endless barrage of black-tie, non-denominational soirees, gluten-free gefilte fish recipes and last-minute vaginal rejuvenations before the family arrives; not to mention a pesky little unplanned stay in Promises following a misunderstanding with the police investigators regarding my standard post-holiday cleanse and coke binge. Let's just say that spending New Year's Eve listening to LeAnn Rimes drunkenly extol the virtues of the late 90s soap Sunset Beach is no way to ring in the New Year, no matter how many Quaaludes you snuck in through your expertly bleached asshole. But not to worry my lovies, I have survived and thrived and I am back and bitchier than ever. So let us take this opportunity to openly and viciously mock everything that Gwyneth Paltrow stands for. Because we love her. And as my mother always said, when you love someone you mercilessly tear them down until they are nothing but an empty shell with rampant body dismorphia and a complete lack of empathy for others.

First up...Tammy Fender for goop Serum and Epi-peel Duo - $395Gwynnie says to "use the best-selling Epi-Peel at the end of the day to exfoliate and follow with the super rich Quintessential Serum to moisturize." Long story short, you pay her $400 for a couple of little bottles of shit to rub on your face so that you too can look like the ghost of an alpaca.

Luckily, I am launching my own beauty regime...

Tammie Brown for luvthatdrywata Fuck yo Face Duo - $3.95For less than $4 (plus tax where applicable) I give you a paper bag, a travel size Purrell and a jar of store brand Vaseline. You smear that shit on your face and I'll have you looking like a fucking star.

Next up...Kings of Cole for goop Denim Hue Cropped Sweatsuit - $290Spending Valentine's Day alone...again? If you're a Gwyneth Paltrow fan, the chances are pretty good. So get comfy while watching Shakespeare in Love for the 900th time with the Denim Hue cropped sweatsuit! It has all of the comfort of a sweatpant with none of the style of a jean. The stretch and ease of movement will help you clean your cat's liter box and the ultra-washable fabric makes it easy to clean that awkward mix of chocolate and snot! And don't worry about the price, go ahead and splurge! It's not like you have to save for a wedding, no one is ever going to marry you!

Speaking of Valentine's...Sugar Paper for goop Valentine's - $30While I do enjoy the nod to gay Paree, methinks the Valentine's below be better suited for Gwynnie...Don't you agree???

And finally we end with...iomoi for goop Leather Notebook - $120Ever looked at your dusty, old Trapper Keeper and thought to yourself, this would be so much easier to write in if it was just wrapped in the carcass of a formerly living, breathing thing? I know, I know, haven't we all?!?! Unfortunately, for some reason, the notebooks we really dream of, (composition pads covered in the virgin skin of a young Moroccan street tough) are apparently still "technically" illegal in the US according to several of my attornies. But goop has come along with the next best thing, the custom leather notebook. Because nothing says "I really don't give a single fuck about people or animals" like spending $120 on a pad of paper covered in the remains of a dead animal.

And there we have it! A round up of all that goop currently has to offer! Thank you for reading and remember, if someone ever tries to pressure you into doing something you don't want to do, like eat Cup-a-Soup, just kill yourself because a life with added preservatives is not a life worth leading.