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Everyday Heroes: Taking a Stand

After struggling in silence, an attorney advocates for other lawyers with depression

By Donna Jackel

For years, Daniel L. was a dedicated family man and a hard-working partner in a successful personal injury law firm. Now, he has made time in his hectic life for a mission close to his heart: advocating for lawyers who have depression.

To that end, Daniel created a Web site, www.lawyerswithdepression.com, to share his personal experiences with depression and offer resources to colleagues in need of help. He also founded a nonprofit foundation, Lawyers Overcoming Depression, Inc., to educate the public about the illness and, in particular, to reach out to other lawyers who are depressed.

When Daniel was first hit with severe depression, he was anything but candid about his suffering. His feelings of shame and embarrassment were so overpowering that he didn’t share the fact that he was depressed with his two law partners or even his wife, Kelsey, also a lawyer.

Now 47, Daniel believes his depression was, in part, the result of a chaotic childhood. His father, a bricklayer, often came home drunk. Over the years, the World War II veteran physically and emotionally abused Dan and his four siblings.

“When I graduated high school, I just wanted to run as far from the house as I could,” Daniel says. “I had lived in fear for 18 years. I just didn’t want to be there anymore.”

Plagued by anxiety

Daniel’s father was only 56 when he died of sclerosis of the liver and stomach cancer. “He died without ever saying ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘I love you,’” his son recalls. In retrospect, Daniel realizes his father probably had depression and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and used alcohol to curb his pain.

Despite, or perhaps because of, his turbulent early family life, Daniel was an excellent student in college and law school. “I was the classic adult child of an alcoholic—a people pleaser, an overachiever,” he says.

He built a successful law career, becoming a partner at a large personal injury law firm in Buffalo, New York. Despite these achievements, Daniel was plagued by the feeling that he “was never good enough.”

For years he predominantly experienced anxiety—particularly performance anxiety. “In a strange way, the anxiety made me a better lawyer. It gave me a lot of energy,” he says. During these bursts of anxiety, he would try to get as much work done as he could. To extend his productivity, he would drink a lot of coffee.

But over time, the stress and constant deadlines of litigating took their toll. Daniel began showing signs of depression at 38. About five years ago, his depression became severe. “It felt like concrete was running through my veins. I wanted to sleep all the time, but I couldn’t because I had major responsibilities,” he recalls. “I felt aches and pains in my body I hadn’t felt before.” He also gained weight, had difficulty concentrating and began having suicidal thoughts.

“It became harder and harder to get my job done, and I began delegating more and more,” he recalls. “When I started swinging into depression, it was like slogging through mud. I wasn’t able to do as much as I previously did. It was hard for me to accept.”

Daniel began hiding from his coworkers. “I would close my door if I was having a bad day,” he recalls. “I would say I was meeting a client, and instead I would be sitting in a coffee shop trying to pull myself together.”

It became more difficult for Daniel to conceal his illness. In desperation, he went to a psychiatrist. He was diagnosed with major depression. His doctor prescribed medication and advised him to take a couple of months off work to give the medication a chance to take effect.

Then, Daniel had the daunting task of telling his partners the news. One of them, he remembers, responded: “‘What’s wrong with you? You have a great wife, friends, job.’” “That made me feel even more ashamed,” he says.

Daniel’s family found it difficult to accept that the tall, burly attorney who took care of everyone else could be felled by depression. His wife struggled with guilt that she must have failed her husband in some way. “It took time for her to accept that it had nothing to do with happiness—that it was an illness,” Daniel says.

Ultimately, his new vulnerability brought the couple closer together. “It was really a journey she and I went on,” he says. “I had to let her help me and be honest about how significant a problem the depression was.”

A turning point

When Daniel returned to work, he continued to fight the depression on several fronts: through medication, psychotherapy, and exercise, and by attending a support group. He learned the role that negative thinking plays in fueling depression. “You have to change that,” he says. “It’s a deeply entrenched habit in lawyers.”

When I started swinging into depression, it was like slogging through mud.

It was his desire to help other lawyers struggling in silence that marked a turning point in his recovery. Daniel was appointed to the Lawyers Assistance Committee for the New York State Bar Association. Reading up on lawyers and depression, he was shocked to learn that lawyers are nearly four times more likely than people in more than a hundred other professions to become depressed.

When he realized how many lawyers carry this secret burden as they head off to work each day, Daniel decided it was important to tell his story. Not everyone agreed. A friend who is a federal judge tried to discourage him from going public about his illness. “He said, ‘Some people in the legal community will want to hurt you, and they’ll do it anonymously,’” Daniel recounts. “I said, ‘I’m not going to hide anymore.’ I wanted to show you could be successful and have a mental illness.”

Last June, Daniel launched www.lawyerswithdepression.com, which generated buzz and led to a flurry of articles on lawyers and depression, including a February 2008 Wall Street Journal article titled, “Even Lawyers Get the Blues.”

The momentum has continued. Daniel has received supportive emails and phone calls from lawyers all over the country, and he began a support group in his area for lawyers with depression, which meets twice monthly. Lawyers Overcoming Depression, his nonprofit organization, continues his efforts to destigmatize the illness.

While changing public attitudes toward mental illness is a top priority, it’s also essential to take an active role in your recovery, Daniel says.

“You need to ask yourself, ‘What would I really like to change about my life?’ Because if you’re going to get better, you have to change.”

Dan’s tips

Exercise regularly. Three times a week, Lukasik does aerobic exercise and lifts weights.

Get support. Lukasik takes medication, works with a psychotherapist, and attends the bimonthly support group he founded.

Let it out. Don’t suffer in silence. Let those closest to you know what you are going through.

Do your part. Helping other lawyers with depression marked a pivotal turn in Lukasik’s own recovery.

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HEALTHY HABITS

Most of us don’t default to healthy habits. It takes planning and effort, and sometimes a surge of self-discipline, to eat right, exercise, get the sleep we need, and stay on top of work and life tasks. Establishing new habits, let alone purging bad ones, can require major effort, especially if we are also struggling with depression or anxiety. What are some good habits that you've formed and how did you build them?