Yep, it's hell. Cool you found this place. It is the only place where I can be real about all of this stuff. I am glad you found a T. It's ok to help them help you. Leting them know what your goles are. The same sex urges are a product of the abuse. This is as painfull and confusing as any of it for me. I have learned to not condem my self in any way and I have learned not to act on the compulsion. A lot of this work was learning to understand and manage my sexual addiction.

I think that wanting to conect with the same gender is as natural as wanting to conect with the other gender. We are people and we need to be in relationship.

Sexual urges for me are difrent then a intimate longing but some times they can get infused. I think that csa fused my sexual wire togeather with my fear and pain and desior to be in relationship with other guys. The compulsions to act out sexually with men for me had to do with fealing isolated and being alone as a man. The real natural need to conect and bond with others of my gender taped into the csa tapes. I think for some time the only way my mind could interpret the need for male relationship was to be used sexually.

Here's some of my experience about urges. Giving in, for me, made the "noise" in my head disappear for a while only to return with a much greater vengeance later on. Shame, guilt, etc. was temporarily deleted from my being by build up part of the cycle to the actual sexual acting out and then after the negative feelings would come back. It took me a long time to identify this pattern.

For me, there have been two most helpful things. My willingness to be honest about my urges and what I did whether fighting them or "giving in" to them and then sharing that honesty with someone that I trusted. I think I read that you are looking for a therapist. I found one and then another and I talked and talked and talked about this stuff and I found my confusion eased. I talked about when I gave in. I talked about when I was fighting it. I talked about what I thought I should be thinking about. I talked about things I didn't want to talk about.

I have found my confusion eased, I have found greater acceptance of myself and my feelings and much less anger at myself for having any urges. This post is not to suggest any course of action for you or anyone else. It is just my experience.

"Does understanding them lead to acceptance?" I guess it was a combination of both. Accepting them led to understanding them and vice versa. I did this in pieces and my goal was greater understanding and internal peace and I have more of both. You seem like you are seeking that and I believe you will find it if you make whatever efforts you deem the course for yourself.

_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel, Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.Winthrop Mackworth Praed

Thank you for the insight! Last night was the first time I'd ever allowed the entire story to come out of my mouth-it was to a close female friend (we used to date but have remained super close since) and it was such a huge relief. She was incredible and understanding..Then I spoke with a T today, that went well-and I begin meeting with him next week.

I'm struggling with the urges a lot but like you said in the past it's made the noise dissappear for only a time being...

What you are describing is from the abuse.It's can feel like self betrayal to have and give into the thoughts and drives.The trauma is buried deep so we can go on with life, but what we could not recinocile then is still trying to be delt with. Because the trauma was fused with our sexual wiring, it works its way to the surface and feals like our minds and bodys want this. Or if we give in it will go away and stop the torment. Like was stated above. Feeding this by acting on it makes it worse. This is the addiction.In the addiction work you learn why this is triggered in you and how to exit the cycle.

A big key is to for give your self as offten and as soon as posable. You did not ask for this. This outcropping is from the traumas you went through. Help your self by getting the help you need. It gets way better in time.

I don't act out today and I am free of the demanding urges. Thoughts still cross my mind and I have many things and feeling I am working on. But it's like you get your life back when you free of the addiction cycle.

I rember the pain and the hell. I have a whole tool box on how to deal with the addiction and you will as well. But for now I leave you with this,

"Opt for the path of least Damage to your self.

We are men, and we have a God given, natural sex drive. When this drive is hijacked by Trauma,We are pushed to Act Out of the trauma sexually.

If I became stressed (one of my triggers) I would start in to the addiction process.I learned to stay with the pain of the original stress when posable. (Asked my self "what am I realy feeling?)If I fell in to makeing the pain goaway, I popped in an image for an instant high.The high from this image made me think that's what I wanted. It's the biggest high so that must mean....

Porn, fanticy, sexulised thinking, self stimulation, the theme, I tryed like hell to resist, always came to some version of what happen to me when I was sexualy abused.

So the opt for the least damage was something that I discovered. I could short the addiction cycle and recieve less damage if I skipped the pron and the fanticy alow myself to mb, self release and for give myself in the process. I learned that I could some times switch the fanticy to a more appealing one. But allowed my self the sexual releace that would eventually happen any way. But often with out all the build up and wasted time. I still felt bad after words but I told my self that it was ok and I was going to be ok. That I was worthy of love and that I would help my self get better.

As this point I could offten journal and begin to feel the confusion of the abuse. This was a much better use of time.

I asked my first T how long it would take, to get my life back. This was his area of focus. He put a number on it for me, and I told him that was too long for me. I wanted the magic fix. He told me these words and I never looked back. "You don't understand, You can actually do this! A lot of people for one reason or another can't. They don't even have the option." He was right. I was able. So are you. Fight for yourself. You deserve all the healing you can get. And there is a lot to be had.

Love yourself, fight the good fight and fly to high places,You can do this work!This is the way out.

You're not alone Irish.I am dealing with my issues surrounding SSA and wanting a true healthy friendship with another male. Workin on it day by day and it's difficult at times. Emotions really fall into the mix.But, I will continue on .. adjusting to a new skin isn't that easy (even though it's be on my mind for years).Take care

I
agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and
chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole
discretion of MaleSurvivor. I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor
resources are AT-WILL,
and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for
any reason by MaleSurvivor.