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Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Query Workshop 19--Soul Driver

Title:Soul DriverGenre:YA Historical Fantasy

Revision 2
River Morgan received an extraordinary gift for her sixteenth birthday. Her grandfather gave her a Memory Book and taught her how to erase memories. To keep the memories from becoming her own she must write them in the Memory Book. When the Book is stolen and her Grandfather disappears, River is no longer able to tell the difference from her memories from those she's wiped away. Unless she finds the Memory Book, her identity will be lost forever.

The Book becomes a memory-stealing book when placed in the wrong hands. Shae Conniers thought she had swiped a cool looking journal but instead she got nothing but trouble. The powers of the Book intrigue Shae. But when the memories swirling in her head turn scary, she's glad they lead back to River so she can rid herself of the nightmares. Their personalities clash. Big time. But they must unite to fight the book. And solve the biggest problem; why hasn't River’s memories returned?

Underground forces claim they have the answers River needs to unlock the Book and regain her memories. But when they learn Shae is the daughter of the missing Queen Rose, the underground realm promises to help River in exchange of little Miss. Princess. River must choose between finding her own memory or saving Shae.

Memories of Me is a YA mash-up of Sleeping Beauty and The Shadowy One, a Celtic myth, and is complete at 60,000 words.

Revision 1
River Morgan received an extraordinary gift for her sixteenth birthday. Her grandfather gave her a Memory Book and taught her how to erase memories. To keep the memories from becoming her own she must write them in the Memory Book. When the Book is stolen and her Grandfather disappears, River is no longer able to tell the difference from her memories from those she's wiped away. Unless she finds the Memory Book, her identity will be lost forever.

The Book becomes a memory-stealing book when placed in the wrong hands. Shae Conniers thought she had swiped a cool looking journal but instead she got nothing but trouble. The powers of the Book intrigue Shae. But when the memories swirling in her head turn scary, she's glad they lead back to River so she can rid herself of the nightmares. Their personalities clash. Big time. But they must unite to fight the book. And solve the biggest problem; why hasn't River’s memories returned?

Underground forces claim they have the answers River needs to unlock the Book and regain her memories. But when they learn Shae is the daughter of the missing Queen Rose, the underground realm promises to help River in exchange of little Miss. Princess. River must choose between finding her own memory or saving Shae.

But when they learn Shae is the daughter of the missing Queen Rose, the underground realm promises to help River only in exchange of little Miss. Princess. River must choose between finding her own memory or saving Shae.

Memories of Me is a YA mash-up of Sleeping Beauty and The Shadowy One, a Celtic myth, and is complete at 60,000 words.

Original
River Morgan received an extraordinary gift for her sixteenth birthday. Her grandfather gave her a Memory Book and taught her how to erase memories. To keep the memories from becoming her own she must write them in the Memory Book.When the Book is stolen, River is no longer able to tell the difference from her memories from those she's wiped away. Unless she finds the Memory Book, her identity will be lost forever.

The Book becomes a memory stealing book when placed in the wrong hands. Shae Conniers thought she had swiped a cool looking journal but it ends up she gotten nothing but trouble. The powers of the Book sound intriguing to Shae but when the memories swirling around her head turn scary, she's glad the memories lead her to River so she can rid herself of the nightmare memories. Although the girls personality clash big time, they know they must unite to fight the powers of the Book. River has the Book back, why hasn't her memories returned?

To unlock the powers for the book, River connects with some underground forces who promise they have the answers she need. The choice comes at a high price for Shae. Now River must choose between finding her own identity or doing what is right for Shae. Or, she can search for the answer that will save them both.

SOUL DRIVER is a YA mash-up of Sleeping Beauty and The Shadowy One, a Celtic myth, and is complete at 60,000 words.

Note: This author is considering a title change. Which of the following draws you in more?

I like the idea and there is good stuff here but something about the first paragraph keeps tripping me up. Here's me just talking out loud.

1. Is there a more concise way to say this? What I'm getting is: River's grandfather taught her how to erase memories from other people (why?) and then gave her a book to store them in so they don't become her own.

Why do the memories get muddled in her head when the book is stolen? I guess I don't understand why the magic changed when it changed hands. If Shae can't do magic, it seems like nothing would happen.

2. Are there instructions in the book? How does Shae know what to do with it? This paragraph also makes it sound like the book is alive--is it?

3. Why can't her grandfather help her? We need more concrete details on what the price is. I thought River was the one losing her identity, but now something vague is going to happen to Shae.

I hope the questions help you focus the query. This does sound like something I might read.

I agree with most of what was said above. Give a little more info about why she has a memory book. I was grabbed by the first paragraph but felt the second was trying to gove so much information that I got stuck and felt I needed to go back and reread, not a good thing for an agent. The paragraph had a lot of the word "memories in it and it makes it awkward. Then the third smoothed it out again.

The last two paragraphs use too many pronouns and the word ‘book’. Can you edit a bit?

Example:The powers of the Book intrique Shae. But when the memories swirling in her head turn scary, she's glad they lead back to River so she can rid herself of the nightmares. Their personalities clash. Big time. But they must unite to fight the book. And solve the biggest problem; why hasn't River’s memories returned?

Underground forces claim they have the answers River needs to unlock the Book and regain her memories. But it comes at a high price for Shae. Now River must choose between finding her own identity or doing what is right for Shae. Or, she can search for the answer that will save them both.

I feel like you don't need the fourth paragraph. The suspense of what they must do has been set by the third paragraph, but then you sort of tell me some more information. Just a thought and best of luck, cheers Julie

River Morgan received an extraordinary gift for her sixteenth birthday. Her grandfather gave her a Memory Book and taught her how to erase memories. (why and why? Why would he give a sixteen year old something so important as a book that holds actual memories. Unless he teaches how to use it. Also, why does he give to her. Does she have a special talent? Is he passing it on to her?) To keep the memories (what memories? her memories or the ones in the book? And why would she want to get rid of her own memories?) from becoming her own she must write them in the Memory Book. When the Book is stolen and her Grandfather disappears, River is no longer able to tell the difference from her memories from those she's wiped away. Unless she finds the Memory Book, her identity will be lost forever. (So, it would seem that River is putting her own memories in the book but there should be a good reason for this - safekeeping, maybe? Anyway, this is a very interesting idea but I think the facts need to be nailed down here - imo)

The Book becomes a memory-stealing book when placed in the wrong hands. (I'd get rid of this first sentence and just start with Shae. I'd also try writing this in present tense, just see how it sounds) Shae Conniers thought she had swiped a cool looking journal but instead she got nothing but trouble. The powers of the Book intrigue Shae. But when the memories swirling in her head turn scary, she's glad they lead back to River so she can rid herself of the nightmares. Their personalities clash. Big time. But they must unite to fight the book. And solve the biggest problem; why hasn't River’s memories returned?

Underground forces (what underground forces? Can you be more specific? Good guys? Bad guys?)claim they have the answers River needs to unlock the Book and regain her memories. But when they learn Shae is the daughter of the missing Queen Rose, the underground realm promises to help River in exchange of little Miss. Princess. River must choose between finding her own memory or saving Shae. (Good choice! The only other thing I'll add is that I want more on character. I didn't get much of a feel for River and who she is)