WHERE is Simon Cowell when you really need him? CBS’ new mid-season semi-smarmy, insultingly terrible sit-no-com, “Rules of Engagement” is so detestable on so many levels that we need a talent judge – or maybe even a civil action – to get this thing off the air, asap.

Everyone involved in creating this show should be forced to immediately seek other forms of employment. This business is not – repeat, not – for you.

Like something out of a 1950s joke, “Rules of Engagement” centers almost exclusively on how tough marriage is – for guys.

Sad how poor, freedom-loving guys get trapped into wedded hell by marriage-hungry women with place settings on their minds, only to find that after a guy commits he then has to put up with a life of confinement instead of hanging with the guys. And why? Just so he can get sex from the little woman now and again.

Boy, in the good old days – you know, before marriage – a guy could have lots of sex with lots of hot chicks and not have to stay the night. Or even the next hour.

Once married though, he even has to cuddle afterward.

And it gets worse. Then they don’t have sex at all, but just watch David Letterman.

Dear God, who created this? Someone from that man’s group that goes into the woods and screams?

Anyway, the “joke” here is that we get to view demographically appealing friends who are in three different levels of heterosexual relationships.

One couple, Audrey and Jeff (Megyn Price of “Grounded for Life” and Patrick Warburton of “Seinfeld” who are both wasted here), have been married for several years. He delivers his lines in an over-the-top advertising spokesmodel way that is, I assume, supposed to be funny.

Jeff always whines to his guy friends, affording them the opportunity to be scared of commitment on a daily basis. The first question you’ll ask yourself is: “Who’d even want these losers as friends?”

Then there’s Jennifer and Adam (Bianca Kajlich and Oliver Hudson). They create as many sparks as rubbing milk and bread together.

They have just moved in together, and she’s over the moon because – yes! he proposed! – and she immediately starts picking out small appliances.

Then there’s David Spade as Russell, eternal and lucky bachelor boy who – for reasons that are totally unexplained – gets to bed down every hot chick he meets.

Even the sets are cheesy, fake and embarrassing. It’s supposed to be New York, but it looks more like New York on a Toronto sound stage.

By the second episode, the big conflict is when Jeff wants to serve chips and beer for his birthday party and Audrey wants mojitos and Cuban food. You get it.

They have an annual secret birthday wish giving the guys the opportunity to confuse the words, “anally” and “annually.” Repulsive.

I think the third one is called “13:02” or that’s what it seemed like because I was hitting the “time left” button on the DVD player so often I could hardly see the actors.