ROH UnAuthorized: A Night of Hoopla

115 Bourbon Street – Chicago, Illinois – July 11, 2013
No one is on commentary. Truth Martini is the host. The referees are all wearing short shorts.

The H.O.T. National Anthem

Martini welcomes everyone to the show. Scarlett proceeds to sing a song about her boobs to the tune of “America the Beautiful.” She takes off her dress and the crowd chants “USA.” That’s a way to start a show.

MATCH #1: Three Way! – Matt Taven vs. Adam Cole vs. Eddie Edwards

Taven is the current ROH World TV Champion but that title is not on the line here. He is accompanied by Seleziya Sparx. This match is to let the audience know what kind of night it was going to be. They do a lot of shenanigans and fighting throughout the building. Edwards and Cole team up to embarrass Taven, even putting him in a garbage can at one point. They work in some sexually suggestive spots as well, fitting for tonight. At one point Sparx actually gets in the ring and delivers a nice clothesline on Cole. Edwards is able to get the referee to DDT Taven for a near-fall. He traps Taven in the Achilles Lock and Scarlett got up on the ring apron to distract both Edwards and Cole. That gives Taven the chance to hit Edwards with the Climax for the pin at 9:42. That match certainly served its purpose and offered up quite a bit of fun. I already like how DIFFERENT this show feels, a definite plus.
Rating: ***

Jimmy Jacobs Sings “Gypsy Soul”

Jacobs comes out of the balcony singing “The Ballad of Lacey,” his first single from 2005. The crowd loves that. Jacobs then dedicates his new song to all the wandering spirits, travelers, and journeymen out there and “the ones that inexplicably love them.” Fun fact, that’s actually a quote he took from something I said once when we were living together. Jacobs gets a little emotional near the end. It’s a good song, and you can purchase it on iTunes, along with the Jimmy Loves Lacey EP.

MATCH #2: Soar High with the Eagles and Slither with the Snakes – “Machismo King” Jay Lethal vs. Delirious, with Special Referee Maria Kanellis

Lethal comes out to Pomp and Circumstance, and has “Sensational Sherri” with him. They’re even pushed out on a cart. That rules. Lethal then cuts the same promo Randy Savage cut on the Ultimate Warrior at WrestleMania VII. Delirious channels the Ultimate Warrior right from the bell. He also has bare feet. They proceed to wrestle almost the exact same match Warrior and Savage had at WrestleMania VII, which is pretty hilarious. Even Lethal’s selling is spot-on. The crowd is onto them and they are really enjoying it. When Lethal starts hitting the five flying elbows from the top rope, the crowd chants “four more times,” then “three more times,” etc. That’s pretty clever. Delirious goes for the pin after multiple flying shoulder blocks and a foot on the chest, but Lethal is able to sneak in a rollup for the pin at 17:03! What?!? That’s not how that goes! I don’t think I’ve ever had to rate a match that is a carbon copy of another match before, but I did greatly enjoy this and “A Night of Hoopla” is the right place to do it.
Rating: ***

After the match Jay Lethal asks Maria (even calling her Liz) if she will marry him. Maria says no, because Lethal isn’t Michael Bennett. “Sherri” gets in the ring to attack Lethal, and Maria comes back to make he save! Lethal asks “Elizabet” again if she will marry him, and this time she says YES!

Pants Off Dance Off!

The contestants are Seleziya Sparx, Scarlett Bordeaux, and Val Malone. Judge Jeff Jones is on hand to act as Judge. Not having watched much ECW I really don’t remember him at all other than his name. The girls take their pants off and whore it up for a bit. Before Judge Jones can declare a winner, “The American Wolf” Davey Richards makes his way out. Richards talks about how ROH is supposed to be about wrestling, not girls dancing. He sounds very serious but then tells the sound guy to hit the music! He proceeds to do an extremely sexually aggressive “dance,” and then physically abuses Scarlett for fun. Richards spanks Seleziya, and then puts Val in a lip lock. Judge Jones declares Davey Richards the winner! “Pro Wrestling’s Last Real Man” Silas Young comes out and is disgusted by what just happened. Young wants to have their match, and Richards is more than happy to oblige.

MATCH #3: Davey Richards vs. Silas Young

This is a good test for Young, who has been hanging around ROH for a while but for whatever reason they haven’t given him anything to do yet. Richards controls the early portions of the match and tries to keep Young on the mat. Young gets knocked to the floor several times, so event host Truth Martini turns the match into a Lumberjill Match! The Lumberjills are a bunch of dudes dressed in drag. The action stops for a bit while the competitors get their bearing. It doesn’t take long for the Lumberjills to get involved, and Richards has fun with them while Young just seems more irritated. Nothing is going Young’s way, as Richards continues to dominate. Eventually Richards hits a double stomp off the top rope and then locks on the Ankle Lock for the win at 10:04. This was fun in a unique sort of way, as it fit in well with the theme of the show. I’d like to see them have another match on a proper ROH show down the line.
Rating: **¾

Richards gets on the mic and sings “Touch You All Over” briefly, and then thanks Chicago for coming out.

Lap Dance for One Lucky Fan!

Truth Martini and the Hotties pick a fan out of the crowd and tell him he’s going to get a lap dance from Scarlett and Seleziya. They blindfold him and then two much less attractive women show up to give him the lap dance instead. Hilarity ensues.

Bobby Fish & Kyle O’Reilly have been the Champions since 3.2.13, and this is their seventh defense. This is CHEESEBURGER’s first match ever. The crowd loves him. Strong starts the match though, which is probably wise. When CHEESEBURGER finally does get the tag, he’s in the ring with O’Reilly and he has the full support of the crowd. The diminutive student does get some offense in but for the most part the Champs dominate him. Strong does get a tag and the challengers control the match briefly, but Fish and O’Reilly persevere and take back control. This goes on for quite some time, and the situation looks dire for the Strong-Burger team. After quite some time the hot tag is made and Strong starts lighting up the Champions. Strong uses his partner as a weapon and is looking like he might capture the titles almost singlehandedly here. The referee loses control and all four men are in the ring. CHEESEBURGER actually almost scores the pin with a Code Red on Fish. The Champions are able to take Strong out of the equation and the double-team poor CHEESEBURGER. They hit Chasing the Dragon to get the pin at 20:57. It may have run a little bit long but they did a great job incorporating CHEESEBURGER and working within his size and experience limitations. Strong works well with both Fish and O’Reilly of course, and the crowd stayed hot to make this match much better than I had anticipated when first announced.
Rating: ***¼

Hoopla Uncut with Satan

Truth and the Hotties come out and introduce a guy dressed up like Satan. I have a hard time hearing what they’re saying because SBG won’t spring for better sound at the shows. Truth asks Satan if he wants to take his pants off. Satan cuts a heel promo on the House of Truth and the crowd. Scarlett punches Satan in the balls and Seleziya gives him a Death Valley Driver.

I believe this is the first time women have been in a ROH main event since the summer of 2010. Elgin and MsChif are wearing matching gear. The women are allowed and not afraid to mix it up with the men, but it seems like Elgin and MsChif have some kind of attachment to each other. Thomas and Elgin engage in a dance-off, and Elgin successfully executes The Worm. ACH shows off his dance moves too. Athena comes in and Elgin bodyslams her, then dances about it. The crowd tries to get MsChif to dance, but all she does is scream. The shenanigans and horseplay continues, making this perhaps the least serious main event in ROH history. Every time Elgin tries to wrestle with Athena, MsChif gets upset with him. The match eventually does settle into a more traditional six person tag team match, with both teams trading control back and forth a few times. Of course they get to the point where everything breaks down and the referee loses control. ACH tries to finish off MsChif, but Elgin comes to the rescue. Elgin decks ACH with the spinning back fist, and then makes out with MsChif. That gave Elgin the power of the Green Mist, which he sprays into Thomas’ eyes. Elgin then hits Thomas with the Buckle Bomb and the Spiral Bomb to get the pin at 25:53. That was a lot of fun, from the tomfoolery of the opening minutes to the great action down the stretch. The women looked great (as wrestlers) and made this a really unique contest.
Rating: ***¾