Desperation!

on Jun 2, 2016 • 1:58 pm

No desperation, just, still, a sweet high from the rich and lovely week my daughter and I spent cycling together. No flats, no rain. Even the day of serious headwinds, actually there were two, didn’t dampen our spirits.

Highlights were the smooth trails and roads (no much more pleasant than chip seal!). The fancy Palace Hotel in Port Townsend, and dinner shared with the fellow who helped me look for my lost hearing aids was memorable 🙂

Every single driver was considerate and friendly of us “biker chicks” :-). Only one cyclist outside of Victoria! was grumpy and rude. Our picnics, occasionally with naps, are special… we pack fresh veggies, hummus, cheeses, sit together on a silk shawl and feast; and the Crab cakes and fish tacos at a specialty restaurant, Kokopelli Grill in Port Angeles, were top of the line. The view of the Olympics from our B ‘n’ B, the Kayak House, was splendid. Sitting out on the deck of a friend’s cottage on Salt Spring, sipping our cider, talking over the trip and everything else, are memories to last and last.

So how does this sweet time relate to Desperation? Well, my daughter and I touch on all manner of topics when we’re cycling along, or sipping on cider in the evenings.

If you survey the last several posts you’ll see I’ve been tackling some dark-side work, and we touched on such things as well. For example, my tendency to rush and devour rather than savour and enjoy; noticing my deep seated judgemental nature; and there’s my desire for acknowledgment; my feeling sad and grumpy, even betrayed around some of the dynamics in my relationship… real nitty gritty stuff.

Still, what I’m celebrating today is the lack of desperation in all of this. What makes this the more remarkable is that desperation has been a pretty steady companion for me on the journey. When I feel into it, I track it back to the very early realization that things aren’t gonna go my way. I’m not gonna get held, fed, loved, met… the way I want. Not on my terms. It’s not my call. I’m not in charge. And this got worse in adolescence. I felt desperate to be included, be with the right people, make the right choices…

Not that it was all horrendous. Definitely not. Even in adolescence and through a challenging first marriage, I could see many glasses as half-full, I had good resources and developed a range of survival and coping strategies. Still, desperation was a familiar feeling. Burning, sharp, uncomfortable, in the chest and gut.

What I have noticed as I’ve been doing the recent explorations and inquiries into the various dark-sides I mentioned above, is that even the real challenges have no desperation attached. There are the givens of my patterns, and the challenges of the situation, but the desperation is missing. When I first realized this, I doubted whether it was really true, Maybe I was deceiving myself. But as I looked deeply, felt into the core of the issues, there was no desperation to be found, anywhere. It’s as though it has dropped away, just isn’t called for anymore. What a great relief! It feels like a lovely payoff for all the work, the inquiries, the integration.

There are always insights, softenings, openings, learnings, from the deep work, and I love coming out the other side of these tunnels, the dark places. And now I have something more to celebrate: letting go of desperation!

What part has/does desperation play in your work, inner and outer, and on your life’s journey? Your comments, questions, likes, shares, are most welcome.

Jill Schroder is the author of BECOMING: Journeying Toward Authenticity. BECOMING is an invitation for self-reflection, and to mine our memorable moments for insights, meaning, and growth. Check the website for a sample chapter, or see the reviews to get a flavor for the volume. Your feedback is most welcome.