Friday, January 30, 2015

My life in shambles: A post-Birchbox Review of Things in my Immediate Vicinity

In one fell swoop I both cancelled my Birchbox subscription and ended the existence of my primary muse for this blog. While the bandwagon fan in me can smile at the fact that the Seahawks will win another Superbowl on Sunday, the writer in me cringes at the fact that I have lost a large chunk of motivation, and that that motivation stemmed primarily from a subscription to grooming products. But I must press on. In the words of Marilla Cuthbert “To despair is to turn your back on God” and that’s certainly not what I’m about. Presented for you now is a series of reviews on what was readily available to me. While I’m certainly not in the most hygienic state that I was last month, I hope you can still enjoy this blog entry...mom.

Animal Portrait Calendar

I didn't believe in love at first sight until I saw this Calendar.

As the days dwindled it became increasingly apparent that it was time for me to let go of my much beloved, but completely useless Cupcakes of 2014 Calendar. A years worth of scrumptious looking desserts was over and I took my annual mid-January trip to the mall Kiosk to pick up my 75% off replacement. The pickings were slim, but I found a single gem amongst the foliage of Sports Illustrated and Daily yoga Tips offerings. For the next 12 months I will have some of the best looking animal portraits I’ve ever seen. In the fashion of politicians and aristoc(r)ats I can gleam a small amount of joy from the cold reality that my life is slowly passing and I am helpless to stop it, yet for some socially condescending reason I’m not allowed to have a mid-life crisis before 50. What if I die at 52? Then this would be the perfect time to have one, wouldn’t it? Regardless, at least my Birthday month has the most dapper Otter I’ve ever seen, and my First born should be born on a month with a sweet looking Gibbon.

Leaving Wonderland

This is an album cover and not a craigslist add for rusty bicycles.

This artist and met briefly at a political themed summer camp. It was seriously a giant LARP (Live Action Roleplaying Game) where we played the roles of congressmen and women and we had to lobby our bills in an attempt to have it presented before the governor at the end of the week. Natalie and I didn’t roll with the same crowd, per se. While my character was attempting to legalize Marijuana for recreational use (a bill that was assigned to me, not chosen) she was attempting to save puppies or something, I can’t really be bothered with the details at the moment. Anyway, we went to the same camp for a few years, after which I promptly forgot she existed. That is until we ended up going to the same college. An interesting coincidence that served as a catalyst to simply extend the standard Facebook friend invite and twitter follow.

Fast forward 6 years and a link pops up into my twitter feed. “Oh, look at that! Natalie made an album and posted it on youtube, I didn’t know she was that into singing, maybe I’ll give it a liste- This is fantastic!” seriously, I’m probably the worst person to review or critique music, but I was totally unprepared for the level of quality that began pouring through the small speakers on my Nexus 9. Natalie uses her musical prowess to create a sound that is uniquely her own. Lyrically, the songs are just fun while the melodies merge with her voice to create something that is simply a pleasure to listen to. Listen to it on Youtube here, but you should probably just buy it here. Follow her on Twitter here.

Chain Mail Dice Bag

My bag is just as lethal as my dice rolls.

I started a new job in the customer service department of a door manufacturing plant here in Lynden Washington. It was a long time coming, I’m thoroughly proficient in door use, as I utilize them dozens of times a day. On top of that Monsters Inc is one of my favourite Pixar films, so, yeah. It’s a passion. While touring the plant I met a fellow by the name of Ken. Ken is in charge of programming a number of the automated machines in the shop. While talking I noticed he was wearing a couple of rings made out of chainmail. As if programming robots wasn’t cool enough, this guy tells me he creates chainmail items as a hobby. While he absolutely declined to accompany me to the mid-summer Renaissance Faire, he said he could make me a dice bag. I used to be able to say with confidence that my leatherman was the most dangerous item in my bag, NO LONGER. I now have the capability of rendering a full grown rhinoceros unconscious. Ken is the most unsuspecting guy in the world, but he carves and makes chainmail and used to play Dungeons and Dragons. He is a better role model than The Backstreet Boys.

Jack in the Box Tacos

I think they had to stop using this promotional image because it was the definition of false advertising.

Simultaneously horrifyingly disgusting and absolutely delicious at the same time. I might be upset that they even call them tacos if they weren't 50 cents a pop and as addicting as meth. A co-worker apptly called them "Crunchy grease".

*note: I don’t know if meth is actually addictive, as that’s only an assumption I’ve made from years of watching TV and movies.

Marley’s Mellow Mood

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I am drinking this right now. This tea is advertised as a “Relaxation Drink”. Essentially an anti-energy type of concoction that calms your emotions and clears your head. While you could certainly achieve a similar experience with a hot cup of Chamomile, this one tastes like Arizona raspberry tea, which is what summer taste like and who doesn’t love the taste of summer? Living in a state that has legalized recreational marijuana for real, it’s easy to see what the packaging is trying to insinuate. However, you’re not carded for this drink, because it is literally just tea. Using chamomile in the ingredients as well as a few other choice herbs, it manages to make you pretty sleepy. While undoubtedly the placebo effect plays a large part in how one might feel drinking this. For me in particular it causes my eyelids to feel heavy, not quite as much as say a dose of benadryl or nyquil, but it certainly makes it easier to sleep. Some people have problems with the dragons and how they make you cross the sea without even consulting their travel agents before going ot ashi in the oatmeal with the skittles winning a su[erbowl go hawks sniiiiiiiiiiiiiiidddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd.

I'm sorry, I don't even know if this is funny or useful because I seriously started drinking that tea 30 minutes ago and I need to go to sleep. I'm just posting this. Tune in next time when I review a Thai restaurant that the entire city of Lynden claims is fantastic in some sort of elaborate practical joke to convince me to eat there again.