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41,849

August 09, 2013

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The Ultra-Laid-Back Type

You remember these guys, always wanting to be your buddy, insisting that you refer to them by their first name because they're "not into labels", and taking any opportunity to let you know that they still…you know, (*puff puff, wink wink*).

The Tenured Veteran Type

Basically the polar opposite of the Ultra-Laid-Back Type, Tenured Vets have been there for years and are not looking to be your pal. They've seen it all, they've heard it all and they tend to have coffee-breath.

The "I'm a Published Author" Type

Every college has one. Most of their lessons begin with "I talk about this in my book but…" - as though everyone's already read their collection of critical essays on surrealist literature that's been out of print since 1989.

The Premature Ejaculator Type

We all remember this type. You'll be fucking him in the closed-off wing of the Humanities building before his 3:45 class, not even close to getting off, and sure enough, he's already finished.

The "Tie Me Up And Whip Me" Type

Another fixture of college life. These guys are tough graders at first but they'll always grant you an extension if you ask while you're stomping your 9-inch heels into their ballsack and making them your dog-slave.

The "Oh God, I Think My Wife Is On To Us" Type

These guys are as big a part of the college experience as keg parties or Frisbee on the quad. You remember the type, always waiting for the last few students to leave the lecture hall before getting all stern like "Stephanie, we can't keep doing this. You're very beautiful but I'm not about to throw my life away over what was ultimately a selfish mistake." They would always be saying that.

The "You Can't Be Here, This Is My Daughter's Christening!" Type

You remember the drill; everyone else has gone home for winter break, you show up to a family function involving his kids wearing nothing but his tweed jacket and a crazed, faraway look that says "I'm capable of anything" when his wife decides to get all up in your face and you have to cut a bitch. Classic college moment.

The Court-Appointed Sex Addiction Counsellor Type

You remember these squares. Sure, they're not technically professors, but you wouldn't know it with all the shit they try and teach you about "boundaries" and "self-control" and "the law".

The Ultra-Laid-Back, Court-Appointed Sex Addiction Counsellor Type

We ALL remember this type; wears jeans to sessions, not into "ethics" and totally DTF.