Two Things That I Can’t Stop Thinking About and Should

Its been a month and I still can’t get it out of my head. I know that it will take a while to get over it. We were together for Nine years and married for almost six of them. I shouldn’t be upset that he hasn’t tried to make any sort of contact for a month. Clearly he never ever gave a damn. But that’s not what I am having a problem with. No that would be too easy. That’s where I would be if it really was just the depression that had split us up.

No, what I am constantly thinking about are two things.

One: How could I have missed this? He says I was controlling and that’s part of the reason why he went outside of our marriage. But he was sleeping with someone else for nine months and I didn’t know. I mean a few times I asked but I never went into his phone, I never called his work. When he said there were extended hours on holidays like Valentine’s day, I didn’t question it. How the hell could I have missed this? How could I have not known who I was with? Who I was living with?

I should have been more suspicious. I shouldn’t have trusted him when he said he wasn’t seeing anyone else. I should have been the controlling bitch that he keeps telling everyone that I was. I shouldn’t care if he was still lying to me and the girl is actually living with him with all of the things that we got for our wedding and over the five-plus years we’ve been together. I should just let it go. It ticks me off that I can’t. Even as I’m trying to start my new life. Even if I started in my run group. Even though I’m going to an interview today. I’m still trying to figure out how I could be this damn stupid and trusting!

Two: This is the Crazy one.

I can’t stop thinking about that poor girl. (If she was real and this wasn’t a giant trick to get me out of the picture.) This poor girl that thought that she was about to move in with her boyfriend or the first time. This poor girl that probably celebrated his “21st” birthday with him when he was really turning 31. This poor 19-year old that probably spent Valentine’s day with him (Because you know he got her something besides just a little lush gift box for their first valentines day together). This girl that was brave enough to reach out to me even though the stereotype of the wife is to beat the crap out of the ‘other woman’.

How scary must it have been to find that car n the counter and then find out that he was 12 years older then she was? That she’d been sleeping with what she would probably consider an old man? That he was married?

How many trust issues is she going to have now? How can you not after something like that? I know I’m going to. I really wish I had some way to reach out to her and tell her that it was going to be okay. That he is a narcissist and there are good people out there. 19 man. I know it’s not a minor technically but still…to me, that’s a baby.

And, I mean, when we met he wanted to be a highschool teacher….and still does. Thank god he never studied and couldn’t get a high enough GPA to get his teaching certification. The more I think about it the scarier it is. The more I want to make people aware of whats going on.

I guess, in the end, all I can say is that we all need to watch out for each other. That if your friend is dating someone and they seem fishy, you are not out of place to say something. That you shouldn’t doubt your instincts like I did and you shouldn’t feel guilty for having those thoughts. If you’re friend/ sister/ daughter talks about her boyfriend but she has never been to his house and in a year hasn’t met their family and only one of their friends, there is something wrong.

All we can do is watch out for each other and hope that people are decent….but sometimes they aren’t. Sometimes no matter how well you know someone, you might be wrong. They might have changed. And that’s not on you.

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There is a time in our lives when we figure out that we are adults. When that time is...we sometimes don't know. Even at 32. I'm just a young woman trying to restart and learn how to live as an adult after years of just making ends meet.
Coming out of a divorce was something horrid for Erika, but opening up to my authentic self and finding joy in the things I love has been a huge step forward. Becoming an adult isn't about the age you are at, but being comfortable in what you do, what you love and who you are.