'The Bachelor' premiere recap: Will Colton make a good Bachelor?

We are back. It’s felt like an eternity since Becca awarded Garrett with her final rose, but the wait is over. The Bachelor kicked off Monday night with our old friend Colton Underwood taking centerstage as this season’s star.

When we last left Colton, he was having his heart broken by Becca, finishing fourth on the last season of The Bachelorette. (And, yes, I know he was on Bachelor in Paradise, but we don’t consider that canon around these parts.) Now he’s back and has 30 women vying for his heart, and we’ll be here to recap the action every week.

For whatever reason, ABC decided that the premiere needed to be a live event that lasted THREE HOURS when it should have lasted no more than an hour. How did they fill the time? By giving us awkward interviews with past cast members and Chris Harrison’s mom and live look-ins at watch parties around the country.

For this recap, we’ll ignore all of that nonsense and focus on the things that really matter. Let’s start by judging our new Bachelor…

Grading Colton’s performance?

Like many members of Bachelor Nation, I was not pleased with the announcement that Colton would be the next Bachelor — it should have been Wills! — but I do have to say he wasn’t nearly as annoying as he had become over the course of Becca’s season. Judging by the season preview, that is coming down the line. For now, though, we’ll give Colton high marks. But before we get to the his grade, a quick recap of his night…

Our first look at Colton is a shot of him showering outside. Why is he showering out in public? We don’t know. We also don’t care. The man is glistening.

We cut to him training, so apparently he just wanted to get in a pre-workout shower, as people do. And then … we’re right back to him showering.

That’s right: Two shower scenes in less than two minutes.

After objectifying Colton, the producers try to drum up some sympathy for the guy. You see, when he was in grade school he was chubby, awkward and “didn’t have girlfriends” … so basically he was like every other grade school student you know. It wasn’t until he became a ridiculously handsome star athlete in high school that his confidence started to grow. Must have been rough for him.

“Grade school Colton probably would be really shy and timid at the fact that he was just named The Bachelor,” says Colton.

I mean, yeah. I think if you told any child in grade school that they’d be going on a show to pick a wife out a group of 30 adult women, they’d be shy and timid, Colton.

Apparently, the play for sympathy worked on former cast member Sarah…

“I didn’t know Colton suffered from being a chubby child,” she told Chris Harrison. “That makes is easier to relate to him.”

The next time we see Colton, it’s time for introductions. He admits he’s nervous, but he gets through it without any noticeable screw-ups. Well, except for him immediately contradicting himself while chatting up Chris Harrison.

Colton: “I remember my walk-up still.”

Chris: “What did you say to Becca?”

Colton: “I don’t remember what I said. I blacked out in that moment.”

Chris Harrison moves on. The first limo has arrived and it’s time for Colton to meeting his group of women.

Right off the bat, there are a lot of allusions to his virginity, but Colton takes it all in stride. This would have been an awkward season otherwise. Based on the first episodes — where there were approximately 4,433,928 quips about his virginity — that’s going to be a thing we hear about all season.

After introductions, Colton gives the group a quick speech before the first-night mixer begins. “I know there’s been people who said that I might not be ready for this,” he says, which leaves me wondering, Who are these people? Does Colton have naysayers out there? I’m imagining there being a Skip Bayless of the Bachelor world who routinely rips him on Bachelor First Take.

COLTON DOESN’T HAVE THE KILLER INSTINCT OF A JORDAN RODGERS, STEPHEN A.

Several women observed that Colton was nervous during the introductions, but he seemed to shake the nerves when it was time to mingle with the women. He even kissed three women, Hannah G., Caelynn and Katie, on the first night.

I will say that Colton could have done a better job of managing that part of the evening. Catherine, who emerged as the early villain of the season, repeatedly interrupted his conversations with other women, and he just kind of let it happen. Eventually, Onyeka stepped in and talked to Catherine about it, but it should have never reached that point. Colton should have shut her down after the second time she tried butting into a one-on-one. For that reason, we have to dock him a full letter grade.

Grade: B

Episode MVP

Every week, we’ll hand out this award to the cast member who provided us with the most entertainment. This week’s winner is…

Onyeka

ABC.com

Because Colton refused to intervene and shut down Catherine’s reign of terror upon the house, Onyeka was forced to step in and have a chat with the D.J. from Florida. What followed was the most passive aggressive argument you will ever hear…

I’m honestly surprised Onyeka was able to keep her cool in that situation. But she did. And not only did she manage to endear herself to the rest of the cast by calling out Catherine, she was able to pull off the confrontation without stirring up too much drama, which may have gotten back to Colton and ruined her chances at getting a rose.

She gets bonus points for incorporating a prop (and pun) into her highjacking of Catherine’s conversation with Colton…

So who’s gonna win?

Our prediction for the winner of the season, which will be updated every week. After this week, we’re going with…

Hannah G.

ABC.com

After winning the all-important First Impression Rose, Hannah G. is the clear leader in the clubhouse after one episode. Colton told her that she reminded him of home, and then repeated that same line to Chris Harrison during the live portion of the episode.

Stray observations

1. I tuned into ABC five minutes before the episode started — that’s how excited I was for the premiere — and they were showing an episode of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? And guess who was hosting? Our boy Chris Harrison, that’s who.

ABC

I had just assumed he lived in the basement of the Bachelor mansion, but apparently ABC lets him out of the house to host game shows. It was a little jarring seeing him outside of his element, but I can’t hate on him for pulling double duty. Get that Regis money, Chris.

2. Everybody in the live audience had a glass of white wine. Am I the only one who watches this show sober? I wouldn’t be surprised if Chris Harrison has a flask tucked in his sock.

3.Heather is one of the first women we meet, and guess what? She’s also a virgin! And she’s already met Colton IRL. Apparently, the two met for a bit at a charity even and snapped a quick photo together. No big deal. Not like you’d get that photo framed or anything…

Good lord. She got the photo framed. That’s a red flag, right?

4.“Being single and relatively attractive, it is hard [to date],” Laura says with a straight face while all of us ugly people watching roll our eyes.

ABC.com

Apparently it’s difficult because when she goes out, there aren’t a lot of “eligible bachelors” to meet at the Miami clubs. Well, Laura, I’d say you’re probably looking in the wrong place, for starters. Try a library or something.

Also, what does being attractive have to do with that? She could have just said it’s hard being single, full stop. I think she just wanted to point out that she is attractive.

Quote of the Week

“I know he’s a virgin, which is kind of concerning. If you only ever had a vanilla cupcake, how do you know you don’t like chocolate? How do you know you don’t like strawberry? I feel like you have to try all of the cupcakes before you know what you really want. I’m the damn confetti cake.” – Demi

Former NFL player Colton Underwood’s search for love got started on Monday night.

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