James May: Think again

I'm not saying I was an ugly baby, but my mother used to feed me with a catapult. Thank you. Rubbish old joke

You might not know this, but in London there is a modelling agency that openly and avowedly specialises in ugly people. Right mingers, all of 'em.

It sounds harsh, but it makes good commercial sense. Since the existence of horrible faces is something the human experience must contend with, these people are in demand from film makers and the like.

In the Victorian era, they would have ended up in freak shows or chained to a post in an asylum so that the middle classes could view them for amusement while they waited for Big Brother to be invented. But now, thanks to the liberal attitude of the Ugly Model Agency, they can confront the horror of their own reflections and think: "God in heaven, my boat race is exceptionally unpleasant, but at least I can make a few bob out of it." That's progress.

Needless to say, I write this as one who accepts that he is no oil painting, unless the artwork of reference is Pieter Bruegel the Elder's Peasant Fair of 1567.

The truth, however, is that most people are simply rather plain, and genuine ugliness is as rare a commodity as real beauty; more so, perhaps, since, as with the A-level results, we will tend to mark up merely attractive people and dignify a particularly gruesome-looking mate with "he/she's got wonderful hair".

This brings me to last week's poll of the 100 ugliest cars of all time, as decreed by you, the lantern-jawed and swan-necked readers of Telegraph Motoring. I need to have a bit of a word with you about this one.

To begin with, I think the compiler, Simon Arron, might have a point, in that some of the nominations are present in the "100 ugliest" list because their unreliability or unusability have become lodged in the conscience as an ugly memory, rather than because they were physically ugly. The Austin Princess (and even its revamp as the Ambassador) was not an unpleasant-looking car. It was terrible, and you wouldn't want to spend your life with it, but you wouldn't kick it out of bed.

This accounts for the easy targets - Morris Marina, Austin Allegro, Triumph TR7, Jaguar XJ-S and so on - and possibly for the Lada 1200. As a Fiat, this was rather elegant. It's merely the association with the British Communist movement and cheapskatery in general that makes Ivan's version seem unsavoury. And thanks for putting my Porsche on the shortlist, by the way.

Other dishonourable mentions on the chart are less easy to explain, however. The Renault 4 is not ugly. It is fun to be with. The Rolls-Royce Camargue is not ugly, either. It has presence, like that pug-faced but well-dressed bloke down the pub. The Aston Martin Lagonda and the BMW 6-series are "striking" - a euphemism when applied to your best friend's wife or husband but a compliment here - and the Citroën Ami 8 has "very expressive features", ie a face like a box of frogs. But it's better than being ordinary.

In fact, you've put some of my favourite cars in this thing, including the Alfa Romeo SZ, you Philistines. Have you looked in the back of your passport recently? You think this is funny looking? And what's with the Datsun 120Y? I've just bought one of those.

Apart from anything else, the world's ugliest car is conspicuously absent from the pages of last week's Motoring section. I've played this game myself for many years, poring over the big book of cars and compiling lists of my own. And I'm pretty confident in saying that the ugliest car ever to sneak off a sketch pad when no one with taste or discretion was looking was the 1949 Triumph Mayflower.

The Ford Edsel had an unfortunate nose, and the AMC Pacer had an unfortunate backside. But the Mayflower was ugly to its roots.

Look at it, if you can bear to. Its details are ugly, its overall proportions are ugly, its very concept - as a car to appeal to Americans who believed they were directly descended from the Pilgrim Fathers - makes one shudder. I've never driven one, but I'm fairly confident it doesn't have an interesting personality, either.

Incidentally, if you think I was making up that bit about the Ugly Model Agency, do look them up on the electric interweb. I know about them because we once used them for a magazine photo shoot, and they sent along some fat git with a face like a Subaru Impreza. Horrible.