Hyperbole takes on a variety of forms

Published: Friday, October 18, 2013 at 4:30 a.m.

Last Modified: Thursday, October 17, 2013 at 2:34 p.m.

Hyperbole: language that describes something as better or worse than it really is. That’s the online Merriam-Webster definition. Hyperbole is what broadcast news shows, politicians and televangelists fill the airwaves with. Let me think of an example here. Hmmm.

I know, how about the one where the world is going to end if the Senate doesn’t raise the national debt ceiling above, what is it now, $17 trillion? Government employees won’t get paid! National parks will be closed! Social Security checks won’t be sent! The international economy will crash!

I believe pretty much the same darn thing will happen when we finally borrow more than we can even pay the interest on. I see where a fellow named Keith Vinson is being considered for jail right now because he did the exact same thing the Democrats keep insisting on doing — borrowing money that can’t be paid back, ever.

Here’s another one: The Affordable Care Act is going to provide cheap (most people hear “free”) medical care for the nation, and the only thing standing in the way are those nasty Republicans.

I know a family. Husband, wife and three kids. They’ve paid out of pocket for years for doctors and dentists. They tried to do what the feds required and went out and bought a health insurance plan they thought they could afford, $300 a month with a $10,000 deductible, which meant they would still be paying out of pocket plus $300 a month.

Their insurance agent called up and casually mentioned, “Come Jan 1, this plan is illegal. It will be rolled into a ‘bronze’ plan and the monthly premium will go up to 1,000 a month.” Oh, and, “I do not think you will qualify for a subsidy.”

The only real future is to cut the insurance companies loose from anything but catastrophic care, levy a tax like the Social Security tax and provide single payer-medical coverage from the government with an income-adjusted co-pay. Letting insurance companies write the legislation is the same as putting the wolf in charge of henhouse security, yet that’s what the Democrats in Washington did. No hyperbole there at all.

Here’s another good example. Recent testing has shown that … (name absolutely anything you can imagine here) … causes cancer. My gosh, people. Living causes cancer. If you try to avoid all the things California says is carcinogenic, you might be able to stay alive on tofu and organic bean curd for a while, but if the synthetics in your water bottle and clothes don’t get you, the sunlight trickling in through your window will. Get a grip.

What scientists have actually determined is that the main cause of cancer in laboratory rats is laboratory research.

Here’s a recent local example of hyperbole. The Gladiators, a football team made up of mostly home-schooled kids with a smattering of public school kids, played last Friday at Christ School in Arden. Christ School is famous for its ball teams. (It beat Hendersonville, 20-14.)

When I saw the Channel 13 sports segment, it was all about the Christ School players and how well they ran and passed the ball. You had to be quick to catch the tail end if you wanted to know who actually won the game. Gladiators 38, Christ School 28.

My all-time favorite example of hyperbole is global warming. Let’s say that the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) is dead-on correct. Mankind is dumping carbon dioxide into the air and the ice caps are all going to melt in 50 years or so, depending on how much the news reporter wants to scare you.

What can we really do about it? Reverse 100-plus years of pollution in the midst of a worldwide economic advance? You may as well try to stuff smoke back into a firecracker. It’s just one more thing to deal with, that’s all. Living on planet Earth is a challenge, but it’s easier and safer now than any other time in history. (Check out the 13th century for comparison.) We need to remember that.

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Finally, the author I wrote about last month? It turns out Mary Jane Strickland’s book was sold out and the Humane Society thrift shop workers had no idea what folks were asking for. Mary Jane’s book, “A Cat Named Cindy,” will be back soon, and I wish you would then all go and buy a copy, because frankly I should have checked with her before suggesting that (as she mentioned to me recently), and now I could really use the points.

<p>Hyperbole: language that describes something as better or worse than it really is. That's the online Merriam-Webster definition. Hyperbole is what broadcast news shows, politicians and televangelists fill the airwaves with. Let me think of an example here. Hmmm.</p><p>I know, how about the one where the world is going to end if the Senate doesn't raise the national debt ceiling above, what is it now, $17 trillion? Government employees won't get paid! National parks will be closed! Social Security checks won't be sent! The international economy will crash!</p><p>I believe pretty much the same darn thing will happen when we finally borrow more than we can even pay the interest on. I see where a fellow named Keith Vinson is being considered for jail right now because he did the exact same thing the Democrats keep insisting on doing — borrowing money that can't be paid back, ever.</p><p>Here's another one: The Affordable Care Act is going to provide cheap (most people hear “free”) medical care for the nation, and the only thing standing in the way are those nasty Republicans.</p><p>I know a family. Husband, wife and three kids. They've paid out of pocket for years for doctors and dentists. They tried to do what the feds required and went out and bought a health insurance plan they thought they could afford, $300 a month with a $10,000 deductible, which meant they would still be paying out of pocket plus $300 a month.</p><p>Their insurance agent called up and casually mentioned, “Come Jan 1, this plan is illegal. It will be rolled into a 'bronze' plan and the monthly premium will go up to 1,000 a month.” Oh, and, “I do not think you will qualify for a subsidy.”</p><p>The only real future is to cut the insurance companies loose from anything but catastrophic care, levy a tax like the Social Security tax and provide single payer-medical coverage from the government with an income-adjusted co-pay. Letting insurance companies write the legislation is the same as putting the wolf in charge of henhouse security, yet that's what the Democrats in Washington did. No hyperbole there at all.</p><p>Here's another good example. Recent testing has shown that … (name absolutely anything you can imagine here) … causes cancer. My gosh, people. Living causes cancer. If you try to avoid all the things California says is carcinogenic, you might be able to stay alive on tofu and organic bean curd for a while, but if the synthetics in your water bottle and clothes don't get you, the sunlight trickling in through your window will. Get a grip.</p><p>What scientists have actually determined is that the main cause of cancer in laboratory rats is laboratory research.</p><p>Here's a recent local example of hyperbole. The Gladiators, a football team made up of mostly home-schooled kids with a smattering of public school kids, played last Friday at Christ School in Arden. Christ School is famous for its ball teams. (It beat Hendersonville, 20-14.)</p><p>When I saw the Channel 13 sports segment, it was all about the Christ School players and how well they ran and passed the ball. You had to be quick to catch the tail end if you wanted to know who actually won the game. Gladiators 38, Christ School 28.</p><p>My all-time favorite example of hyperbole is global warming. Let's say that the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) is dead-on correct. Mankind is dumping carbon dioxide into the air and the ice caps are all going to melt in 50 years or so, depending on how much the news reporter wants to scare you.</p><p>What can we really do about it? Reverse 100-plus years of pollution in the midst of a worldwide economic advance? You may as well try to stuff smoke back into a firecracker. It's just one more thing to deal with, that's all. Living on planet Earth is a challenge, but it's easier and safer now than any other time in history. (Check out the 13th century for comparison.) We need to remember that.</p><p>uuu</p><p>Finally, the author I wrote about last month? It turns out Mary Jane Strickland's book was sold out and the Humane Society thrift shop workers had no idea what folks were asking for. Mary Jane's book, “A Cat Named Cindy,” will be back soon, and I wish you would then all go and buy a copy, because frankly I should have checked with her before suggesting that (as she mentioned to me recently), and now I could really use the points.</p><p>That's no hyperbole.</p>