I am very hopeful about the future and excited about the present. Life is good!

But once in awhile I do have thoughts about opiates and the euphoria I used to experience. I only think about how good it would feel to be high, not all the bad that it caused. I think about watching tv as that subtle euphoria begins to spread throughout my body and the pure joy it creates as I notice it happening. It makes me a bit depressed that I cannot feel that way anymore and that no matter how great I can naturally feel, it will never be the same as that opiate high.

But what brings me comfort and relief from this grief are the thoughts of misery that opiates caused in my life. I think about the daily obsession, a life focused almost entirely on getting pills. I think about the overwhelming depression when I would be unable to attain them. I think about waiting all day for the dealer to answer his phone, sitting around the house trying to kill time, depressed, longing for the drug, promising myself this is the last time. I think about getting the call that he doesnt have any today and the immense frustration that comes over me.

I was completely controlled by this drug. Nothing outside of it made me happy and happy times were not appreciated because I was constantly aware that I needed pills to feel normal.

I think about running around, trying to get money, lying to family and friends to get a buck. I think about isolating in my room, taking the pills, feeling euphoria for less than an hour, it fading away, wasted money again, wasted time again. I think of the times when the feeling actually lasted all night and became unwelcomed and bothersome.

I remember thinking, “I dont actually like this feeling anymore, why do I chase it still??” I remember thinking this and doing it again the very next day. I remember the depression in the morning, knowing I have lost the battle once again and have to start over. I remember when I would realize that I got high too many days in a row and would now have to suffer through withdrawal. I remember the utter depression and pain that was withdrawal. I remember envying people around me for not having to experience such pain, wishing I could feel normal like them.

This description of the misery that was my life can continue for many more paragraphs, but this is enough for today to help me realize how much I dont need opiates to be happy anymore. It is a delusion to think I do. A few moments of euphoria are not worth a life of misery...

Last edited by l i v i n on Thu Apr 03, 2014 12:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Print your post and keep it in your pocket for when those times come and you need a little positive reinforcement. I did that when I quit smoking. Same thing when I quit drinking. Actually, I had two lists. One was a list of the bad that comes from my addiction, and the other was the good list of what I got back when I stopped. Had to read them a lot in the beginning.

I like your list. We could all use it to stay clean. Funny how addicts are all the same.

Livin, That first paragraph you wrote was one of the greatest fairytales I've ever read. As a matter of fact it's a story I've told myself a few times. Unfortunately, I have also lived the autobiography that you wrote in the following paragraphs. Always remember what the real feelings were. That few hours of numb TV watching definitely wasn't worth the damage done to your life.

Next time you start writing that fairytale in your mind picture yourself actually writing it on paper. Then take that piece of paper and rip it up! Stomp on it and set it on fire. Then get a new fresh sheet of "Mind paper" and start writing your autobiography again. Since it's your autobiography it's up to you to make the ending a good one. Thoughts of using are a part of any addicts life. How you deal with them is going to determine where your story will go.

Everything you just said resonates with me so perfectly. Drugs make our reasoning so irrational. If they didn't no one would ever. The costs and outcomes of using don't even come close to the short lived benefits they give us.

You really got to work at it and make your live revolve around sobriety. Suboxone is a small piece to the big picture. My first go around with suboxone I knew all this but ended up relapsing even after I worked so hard at tapering and not using for 2 years. But that was all I worked at, just not using instead of learning all of the other tools to stay clean. Like everything you just said, I only thought of fun parts about being high and not the misery it caused. My relapse didn't happen the day I touched heroin again but probably a few weeks before then internally if that makes sense. It was a progression in my mind I didn't stop.

It sounds like you are aware of all this and are in good standing to stay clean. I just wanted to talk about how it is a never ending battle to stay clean and also reiterate that it’s good to keep in mind the aspects of your life drugs ruined. Rule and rizob made great suggestions I think I'm going to try. Good topic!

thanks for all your comments! Im glad you guys can relate, it really shows how this addiction effects us all in similar ways. I have kept a journal since I got off opiates. It is great to look back today on where I was several months ago and appreciate the hard work I have done to get here. I suggest keeping a journal if you can.

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