Handout photo issued by the BBC of Matt Baker and his dance partner Aliona Vilani dancing the Salsa during the Strictly Come Dancing semi final show Photograph: Guy Levy/BBC/PA

Good evening all and welcome to tonight's Strictly semi-final liveblog. Our remaining contestants - Messrs Maslen, Baker and Henson, and Misses Stephenson and Tointon - will tonight dance one of their unlearned dances, and then, heaven help us all, they'll all participate in a swingathon (stop sniggering at the back). If Dancing with the Stars is anything to go by, we can expect fighting, shoving, scratching, biting, and some spectacular lifts. And maybe some costume mishaps. Something to look forward to all round then.

So we've got an hour to cram in all sorts of fun and games before tomorrow's second instalment. Let's get going, shall we?

8.57pm: Hello all! Thanks for joining me on this chilly Friday evening. Still, the spangles will warm us up, I'm sure. My sister has just made me watch Coronation Street, which seems to be the most depressing programme in the world (although still less distressing than watching Jimmy Carr on QI), so a bit of ballroom is just what's needed.

9pm: Ooh, we begin with a shot of the fabled glitterball, and then a little VT of our remaining contestants all vividly dreaming of the ways in which they may triumph - Gavin narrates it in a rugby-commentary style, Matt urges the judges to sit down and stop with all the standing ovations (it's funny because it's true). And Kara sleeps clutching a guidebook to Russia, but not Artem himself, obviously, because they're not going to do anything like that while they're competing. Bless.

Tonight Tess is wearing a simple black dress that does appear to have a tail, but apart from that it's highly presentable. Well done, Tess, and thank you! It's nice to see us, to see us nice, as always, and Bruce talks us through the rules of the weekend's competition, before introducing our couples. Kara is in a dress made of turquoise toilet paper; James has got his tatts out; Gavin has got his tits out. Looking like a good night in prospect, then.

9.14pm: Pamela VTs opening her birthday cards from last week, and, genuinely, the phrase "From James and Ola" seems to stick in her throat. Not as much as the word "Supergran" does, though. Mostly this week, James seems to be back to Bad James, having successfully hidden that streak for much of the series, and shouting at her a lot; ah, the truth will out, Jordan.

They're dancing the paso to Bad Romance. This is going to be EPIC. They're using a chair as a prop, which seems a bit superfluous and clunky to me, but Pamela, with her hair up in Spanish style, is channelling all Gaga's crazy and stomping around the floor (as well as stumbling a bit). At the end, Bruce begins to reprise the song. Triple doses of Bruce this weekend, all. Just sayin'.

Len says they captured the spirit of the dance and he liked the messing abaaaaht with the chair; Alesha admires the focus and the character; and then BRUNO begins to reprise the song too. Triple doses of Bruno this weekend, all. Just sayin'. Craig liked the strong lines and attitude as well as the skirt-caping. Bruce tells Pamela and James they're his favourites, which is usually an accolade he saves for the weakest dancers, but presumably in this case it's because she's the oldest one left. Scores - Craig 8, Len 9, Alesha 9 and Bruno 9 for a total of 35,

9.21pm: Kara and Artem next. My, that man looks good in a tux. She wonders if she is just a "tango person" after last week's performance. She's clearly not a rehearsal person this week - she sits down a lot and Artem glares at her a lot from across the room. Then she screams and runs out. Artem does not seem like he is particularly bothered, presumably because he knows she'll always come back. Bless.

They're Viennese waltzing to Stop (the Sam Brown song), and there's lots of spinning, lots of drama, and it ends with Artem's face in Kara's bosom. That's the kind of ballroom routine that means this show is on after the watershed tonight. Alesha praises their synchronicity and Kara's unassuming nature, which is "endearing", apparently; Bruno calls it a "work of art"; Craig criticises the end spin because Kara's foot came off the ground and the others shout at him (well, I thought it did too); and Len says that Kara's Viennese waltz is just as brilliant as Alesha's was. Bruce tells Kara and Artem they're his favourites too. I think we see how this is going to go. Kara tells Tess that if her foot came off the floor it was unintentional. Tess tells Kara that she's looking forward to seeing their rumba tomorrow night. Scores - Craig 9, Len 10, Alesha 10 and Bruno 10 for a total of 39.

9.23pm: James Jordan appears to have changed into a darts player's shirt. Maybe Phil The Power Taylor and Raymond van Barneveld are going to make guest appearances tonight. That would be awesome.

9.30pm: After Bruce reminds us how old he is, we're into a VT of Gavin doing chin-ups and doing self-effacing pieces-to-camera - all the things he does best. Then it's to Wales, where people have written supportive slogans on sheep, and choirs rehearse pro-Henson songs. Katya gets stroppy with him in rehearsal and he looks utterly puzzled - "my brain is actually hurting!" There's a brilliant bit where Katya tries and fails to get him to move away from a mirror, and I genuinely don't think he can hear her, overwhelmed as he is with his own beauty.

They're sambaing and bless his little heart, he's trying his best and looks happy, which is something and definitely progress, but he does manage to knock Katya off her stance at least once. You can almost hear him counting the beats aloud. Bruno also thinks he doesn't quite connect with the music, but his performance is improving. Craig is unimpressed. Gavin gyrates at him. This week, Len thinks the samba is the most technically challenging for a man: "you've got the guns, you just didn't have the ammunition." Alesha thinks Gavin is the underdog but he is the most improved. Bruce tells Gavin and Katya they are, bien sur, his favourites. Gavin tells Tess he enjoyed it and thought he was all right. Tess makes Gavin gyrate again. Scores - Craig 6, Len 7, Alesha 7 and Bruno 7 for a total of 27.

9.40pm: Scott and Natalie next. I miss Bruce's intro as my sister mocks me again for not understanding the Hit The Road Jack pun from weeks ago. Not one to let a good ribbing opportunity slide, my sister.

They sad-VT about being in the bottom two last week, and Natalie reveals that Scott is the best partner she's ever danced with. Take that, Ricky Whittle! Natalie's judgement, it burns! In rehearsal, Scott struggles to lift Natalie - "she's NOT FAT!" he rushes to explain. "She is MUSCULAR. It's ALL MUSCLE!" This Argentine tango should be fun, then. They've got the traditional Argentine Gene Kellyesque lamp-post to dance around, of course; and they're dancing to the music...off the Finish dishwasher tablet advert? Craig loved it, but suggests more swivel on the closes and stronger leading; Len liked the lifts but didn't think Scott was like "a young guy out on the town trying to pick up a hot bit of totty" (oh, LEN); Alesha wanted to see more strength; and Bruno concludes, "I think I actually got it, Ssssssssssscott!" and likens the routine to film noir, earning him a gracious "at last, someone understands my genius choreography" look from Natalie. Guess what? Scott and Natalie are Bruce's favourites. They promise us sabotage on the dancefloor during the swingathon, as I predicted. Scores - Craig 8, Len 8, Alesha 8 and Bruno 9 for a total of 33.

9.49pm: As you'll see from the lovely pic above, Matt and Aliona did comedy character jiving last week. He's happy that they've never been out of the top three, and is now going to dedicate everything to the cause of winning the competition. Basically this means doing everything Aliona says unquestioningly. If I were Aliona, I'd take the opportunity for a spot of mischief and play one week-long round of 'Aliona Says' and see how long it took him to realise I was winding him up by claiming that dancing while eating a plate of Brussels sprouts was a valid training technique.

Eleven weeks in, and I've still not acclimatised myself to the sight of Matt Baker thrusting his groin at his partner. There's more of the same in this salsa. And not a great deal else. Len is even less keen on it than I am, and he eviscerates the entire choreography. Gosh, Alesha doesn't like it either, and suggests he relax more. Bruno says he knows how much Matt wants to win, but he's working so hard that it changes the look of the dance. Craig concurs, of course. Aliona is glaring at everyone like it's their fault and not hers. And finally Bruce has real reason to tell one of the couples that they're his favourites. Matt sulks at Tess: "I can't do any more than I'm doing." Obviously he's disappointed, but it comes across as really quite ungracious. Anyway, straight 7s for their lowest-ever total of 28.

9.50pm: The boys warm up for the swingdance by wrestling with each other as Tess talks to the camera. Someone clearly tells them off as they suddenly stop, stand up and look a bit shamefaced. Quick VT where Len explains the rules of the swingathon (it's aknockout, last couple standing gets five points, first out gets one), Gavin draws a tactics map for Katya, Kara predicts carnage, and the boys wrestle some more. How homoerotic!

9.55pm: Oh Gavin, bless your little heart and your muscles and your little orange face, you're kicking and flicking all over the place, but it's not in time with Katya, or indeed the music. They're first out, and have to be manhandled off the floor. Scott and Natalie are next to fall - he looks shattered. Meanwhile, Artem and Matt compete with acrobatics, and unsurprisingly that means Pamela and James are knocked out next. The audience are actually chanting people's names at this point, but not in rhythm to the music. Sigh. Matt and Aliona leave next, leaving Kara and Artem dancing at the end. Artem crashes to the floor as Kara ignores him and wanders off to hug her rivals.

9.58pm: Right, that's it for tonight. Kara and Artem top the leaderboard; Gavin and Katya are at the bottom, as we could probably have predicted without seeing anyone dance.

But don't forget that could all change tomorrow night, when everyone dances their second routine! The phonelines aren't even open yet! So join me tomorrow night from 6pm for the second half of the semi-final extravaganza, and until then - keeeeeeeeeeeeep dancing! Goodnight all!