Oh man, you guys, this debt ceiling crisis debate, huh?! Things are getting pretty intense! I bet if I understood half of what was going on it would be even worse! Basically, if I’m putting this together correctly, the United States has until August 2nd to get enough rich old white people to say “aye” or else China something something and defaults and Cormac McCarthy’s The Road. (“Nailed it!” – President Gabe.) It may or may not be worth pointing out that while both sides are “playing politics” with this issue, which is literally the name of the game, that the debt ceiling was raised seven times under President Bush without it becoming a National Thing. Then again, if you want to make two war omelets you’ve got to break some debt ceiling eggs. (“DOUBLE NAILED IT!” – President Gabe, Second Term.) It also seems like maybe the midst of the worst economic crisis in generations isn’t the best time to be goofing around with this shit like you are George Clooney on the set of The Prankmerican. Anyway, whatever. I literally have no control over any of this stuff (and before you tell me that I do have the power to call or write to my local congressman, please don’t. I’m engaged with the process don’t worry! My point remains basically the same!) and either it will all get resolved in the final hour or the world will be plunged into a catastrophic nightmare of hunger and violence, I’m sure. Obviously, I have my preference for the end result (come onnnnnn darkness, mama needs a new pair of EAR AND TEETH NECKLACES), but either way: outta our handz.

That being said, uh, politicians are dorks, you guys. No duh. But look at these dorks:

House Majority Whip Kevin McCarthy (R-Calif.), the party’s vote counter, began his talk by showing a clip from the movie, “The Town”, trying to forge a sense of unity among the independent-minded caucus.

One character asks his friend: “I need your help. I can’t tell you what it is. You can never ask me about it later.”

“Whose car are we gonna take,” the character says.

After showing the clip, Rep. Allen West (R-Fla.), one of the most outspoken critics of leadership among the 87 freshmen, stood up to speak, according to GOP aides. “I’m ready to drive the car,” West replied, surprising many Republicans by giving his full -throated support for the plan.

Hahahha. WHAT A BUNCH OF FUCKING DORKS CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE SITTING IN THIS ROOM WHEN THIS HAPPENED? Oh man. You guys are losers! Hahahhaha. GET BACK TO WORK YOU STUPID DORKS. Incredible. Very tough, boys. Super impressive. These guys kick ass and take names! They’re total bad-asses. Hahd-coah. Wicked hahd-coah. (Get it? The Town!) Here is the actual clip:

FUCK YEAH! WE ARE LAWMAKERS BUT WE ARE ALSO THUGS! These guys know what Congress is talking about:

Incidentally, with a (debatably) important issue like this that is making a lot of your constituents nervous, especially those who are out of work and struggling to keep their families’ heads above water, but also just those who feel that America has been on a downward shame spiral for years now and may be heading towards some kind of dangerous precipice from which it could never recover, do you really want to frame your party’s position on the issue as being completely without explanation but with the sole intention of HURTING PEOPLE? Well played, tough guys. Super tough, you fucking old dweebs. Turn the White House into a cigar bar. A million more years. (Thanks for the tip, Andy.)

This debate is the worst debate in a country that seems to only have incredibly dishonest and poorly informed debates. This is a debate where some people want to have a glass of water to stave off dehydration and the other people think we shouldn’t have water because then there might not be enough water left over for millionaires to fill their pools.

I really hope Boehner was there, wearing his fabulous green with yellow polka dots tie from the other night’s presidential address, just overcome with his drunken weeps from joy and pride. I think that would really make the moment (in my head) complete.

I can already tell that us in the near future are going to want a palate cleanser at just about * this * point in the comment thread, so, Merry Wednesday! from all of us over here at Terribly Sorry For Getting So Carried Away With Opinions Industries.

Exceptional, politically impartial, backgrounder on current debt crisis for anyone still feeling remotely confused. Clear analysis of how we reached present situation, what the true risks are and which outcomes are most likely.

“The debt ceiling has been raised more or less automatically in the past—77 times since JFK, including 18 times under Ronald Reagan and 7 times under George W. Bush. Republicans were not rushing to the ramparts then — consistent with their heightened concern over deficits that comes only when Democrats are in the White House.

Not that there hasn’t been plenty of partisan hypocrisy to go around. Then-Senator Obama famously voted against raising the debt ceiling when President Bush was in office—a vote he later described as ‘a new senator making a political vote as opposed to doing what is right by the country.”

Nonetheless, this is the first time in American history that the debt ceiling vote has been held hostage by hyper-partisan politics. It won’t be the last. It will be difficult, if not impossible, to put this genie back in the bottle. ”

While everyone’s good and fired up about something else, I think this is the most appropriate time to let you all know that I recently re-watched Dude, Where’s My Car? and I thought it was still really funny.

This is what journalists call “burying the lede,” and I have just executed it masterfully.

I’m so angry right now over all this debt ceiling shenanigans. Pile on top of that my housemate’s girlfriend using our home to do her laundry and a coworker that plays show tunes waaaay too loud makes this the worst week ever.

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