Saturday, April 29, 2006

When I say "duck", I am not referring to the cute little waterfowl that waddles around going "wah-waaaah", I am referring to the act of taking cover or shielding yourself from potential airborn harm.

Like an egg.

Last night I was standing on my front porch with my friend Marc when I noticed an older vehicle driving ever so sloooooooowly past my house. A white, oval-shaped missle sailed over in my direction and hit the ground just a few feet away. The car sped up and Marc said "You just got EGGED!!! That was AWESOME"! Me, being sober, did NOT think it was entirely awesome. I opened my front door and said to Kate and Tara, "I don't think you'll believe what just happened to me. Seriously. Wildest Guess?"

Whoever threw the damn thing was aiming for ME, not the house, not Marc. Someone wanted to break an egg. On ME. Who would throw an egg at me?

Thursday, April 27, 2006

This past weekend, as I'm *sure* I mentioned, I went to visit my manz in MN. It was wonderful! The weather was in the upper 50's with a breeze and lotsa sunshine, we did much eating & drinking, I met and was well-recieved by family, and we had an otherwise NC-17 time.

We did however take a trip to the Sculpture Gardens in Minneapolis. Here are just a few photographic memos:

Prometheus strangles the Vulture statue.

This awesome Geo-dome thingie with lots of stuff "caught" in the dome portion. Here is a turtle.

My favorite! A big Glass Fish!!! Inside was sculpted metal and wood "innards". I could have sat down and stared at this for hours. Beautiful!!!

I am a master of Optical Illusion!!! Here I am at the famous Giant Cherry-On-A-Spoon Bridge/Fountain thingie.

Not taken at sculpture gardens, but on the Boy's previously-mentioned big overstuffed fake leather couch later that day. My forehead consists of what, like...70 percent of this picture? SADE!!!

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

My poor feet! I wore heels all. day. When I took them off (FINALLY!!!) I was somewhat reminded of cartoon feet, all red and pulsing, with little shock lines coming off of them. One thing to add to my grocery list is Dr. Scholl's insoles for women. I bought a suit today, Yes! A suit! Mostly because for my work you have to have at least one very suity suit, and I've got two big client meetings on monday. And also because it was MAJORLY on sale at the Crate, which is a place I normally avoid like the plague. For some reason today I went in there and left with a very nice (too lazy to go check the label) suit for $31.00!!! It's also nice that this is the first time in...oh, three years that I've been able to shop at the Crate, due to the de-fattening of my ass. (Total weight lost since January: 19 lbs.)

Oh, and if you guys have been wondering where the pictures are from this past weekend's trek to MN, well...so have I. Bobi was suppossed to send them to me last night. I even made a special post-bedtime phone call to remind him. He's so adorably forgetful.

I have to be out of my apartment in 4 weeks. I haven't packed a damn thing. I've not prepared for my moving sale this weekend. I haven't been on the ball with my job. I've got so much to do.

I think I'll go get some chinese dumplings and watch Lost with Skylar.

I tiptoe to the front door and peek out the window. Where I see an ambulance. What the...? So I open the door a hair and look out. It's my friend Marc! Unexpected visits from friends are always nice...just more so when I've brushed my teeth and put on a bra and also more clothes. He laughed and said they had to drop off a patient at the nearby hospital and he thought they'd pull into my drive way with the sirens/lights going, except he didn't want to wake the crackheads. So I gave him some coffee and sent him on his merry. Boys. I suspect this was a fact-finding mission to see what my friend Kate told him about their outing to New Brookland Tavern this weekend.

I hate it when my friends make a Horses Ass out of themselves. And I'm not around to see it.

Has anyone seen the trailer for The Promise? It looks to be quite good.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Let's just say that the red carpet was not quite as unfurled for the second visit, cleaning-wise.

That bathroom. Dear gods. Nothing will get that many layers of toothpaste globbies out of the sink short of napalm. And I CAN NOT stress enough, the importance of a bath mat.

Other than the messiness that is my love's apaprtment, it was the perfect weekend.

Per. Fect.

Here's something my manz concoted, with a little help from me.

1. The evil villain summons a ball of energy to destroy the Earth in five minutes. You…a) Stall for time, knowing (like DBZ) this five minutes will take forty episodes.b) Run like hell for that last piece of cake you were saving.c) Selflessly throw yourself at the villain, only to find out he was just kinda gay for you.d) Realize that you’ve been on peyote for, like, six days and it might be all in your head?Of course I would normally go with D, peyote. However...what kind of cake are we talking about here? Because if "Cheese" or "Red Velvet" is the prefix, then most definitely B.

2. Waffles or a straight bottle of Worcesth… Worchse… Worschestshcesiter… you know what I’m asking.

Waffles, Belgian Waffles

3. 00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000?a) Hair.b) A bunny in a snowsuit?c) I’ve determined the velocity of my homework so well that it could be anywhere in the universe.d) Yitzak Rabin.

I will, of course go with my own answer, B. A bunny in a snowsuit.

4. You want soup or salad with that?If you have Bleu Cheese Vineagrette, then salad. If you have Ministrone, then soup. If you have neither, then lemons. If you have both, then Billy Idol. With Lemon.

5. Of the movies, “Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves”, “I, Robot”, “Johnny Mnemonic”, and “Steel Magnolias”, which one would you most likely show at your nephew’s bris?

I have a nephew? What has my brother been up to? "School", indeed!

6.a) You didn’t ask anything.b) Yes, I did.c) My hair smells like tumescence!d) I always wear flip-flops in the shower!

After this weekend, I will always wear flip-flops in yourshower.

7. Alan Rickman stars in a new action/thriller/comedy/drama about a man with one leg who must save a young boy from his psychotic, axe-wielding mother at Christmas-time, all while resolving his commitment issues with his girlfriend, Shirlena. What is the title?

Moonstruck

8. Who would you more like to see as a Celebrity Jedi Chef? Dennis Hopper or Sidney Poitier?

Hopper. But only if he screams at the top of his lungs "HEINEKEN?!? FUCK THATSHIT!!! PABST BLUE RIBBON!!!

9. It’s about 50 ft at a 23 degree angle to the green. You’re in the rough, the sun is in your eyes, and there’s a stiff wind from the northeast. Do youa) Call in an airstrike and nuke those bastards to hell!b) Calmly inform Reginald that no, you won’t be having “the usual” today, and Susan can put away the bottles.c) Slowly disrobe and adopt a pose of placid contemplation.d) Hum the “Meow Mix” song.

(I actually had to hum that as I typed all those 'meows' to ensure I got it right)

10. You turn your Bag of Holding inside out, effectively creating an uncontained infinite space in a finite space. The limits of reality warp and you are now able to instantaneously go anywhere without moving at all. Where do you go besides Hoboken, NJ?

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Yesterday when I left Columbia it was already climbing rapidly twords 80 degrees. I would guesstimate it's in the lower 50's here. And it feels awesome. So far, other than the Hardest Seats Ever in the Beer Can of A Plane, it's been a great visit. I got to meet Tolbs! He is now my Jeopardy/Tetris coach.

Today at lunch I get to meet the family. Here's hoping all my food makes it to my mouth.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

1. I like to make words up and then force them into everyday jargon. Words like...Hellosical, The Meep-Meep, and Wibble. Okay, Wibble isn't mine, it's B's, but I still use it.

2. I am totally addicted to the VH1 "I love the ____" shows. The 70's, 80's, 90's, Holidays, Toys. And no matter how many times I've seen them, if they are on, I must watch. Call it a Hal Sparks thing.

3. I could eat Cool Whip by the gallon. PLAIN.

4. I find it completely impossible to sleep in the middle of the bed. I MUST have a side! But this frustrates me, because here I (or rather, my ex) paid for all this bed and there's half of it, just going to waste!

5. I really really love the smell of scotch tape. Smells like christmas.

6. My new obsession is making jewlery while watching stand up comedy. Of course this means it takes longer to make stuff, because everytime I laugh, beads go a'flying!

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Screaming Children and an average of 3 hours of sleep per night were balanced by seeing relatives and lotsa food. Also, awesome Mountainside flea markets! I got a ton of beads, some vintage buttons (not shirt buttons but pin-buttons) and some VERY old postcards (1907 and 1911), and a genuine Donna Reed Housewife Apron. Did I mention the part where I ate like Caligula? Show me to the vomitorium, please.

The good news is that I probably burned it all off by chasing after 8 & 6 year old cousins. ENERGY!!!

Oh that and one of my cousins and I participated in a little illicit fun, courtesy of Mother Nature, and afterwards spent a whole half an hour laughing over our respective weight losses. "Dude! I was so fat before...I didn't even have a FACE!""Oh YEAH? I was so fat one time, I Popped the button off my jeans. Just by BREATHING.""I want Ice Cream!""Me Too!"

Apparantly Bobi's Magic Buddies all found this hilarious. As if a bunch of grown men sitting around in a circle flinging dice and saying things like "damage" and "trample" isn't a laugh-riot.

I almost made it home without an "episode" from mother. Almost. She waited until we were about 3 miles from my house to start shrieking at us, wild-eyed and frazzled. OOOH, So Close!!!

Friday, April 14, 2006

So that's what Jesus was thinking when he & the Easter Bunny named it Good friday. They must have been chewing on some Fast Plants, playing cards with Santa and the Aposotles, and said "Hey, man. Is it Friday?" "yeah" "That's Good."

Of course I could be totally wrong and Easter is about Jesus being not dead anymore. Or something. OOPS! Lightning Bolt!

Anyway, despite having a terrible dream that my grandmother died (the one that died when I was a kid, oddly enough), I woke up in a fairly decent mood. And why not? In two hours time I will begin the Trek to Tennessee were I will be treated to Mountain air, Doting Aunts, and Free Radio Station Swag from my brother! That is after coffee. Coffee must be hawt. Must be strawng.

I'm still somewhat asleep.

Last night I hooked up Macsamillian the iMac and JOY! to see things in full color! I also got my photo printer working and printed pictures like a madwoman! When I'd had enough joyful printing (and had ran out of photo paper) I packed while watching An Affair to Remember, easily one of my favorite movies of all time. Except any part with children singing. Those parts I always fast forward. My friend Carrie called me halfway through the movie to ask me if I would help her write her self-affirmation. It's some kind of assignment. Aside from Stuart Smalley, I really fell short. The only things I could think of were really sarcastic, like "I'm too Punk for Self-Affirmation" or "At least I never got anything stuck in my Ass." (How's that one, Carrie?)

I then spent a fair amount of time on the phone with B, who is the most Sweetest, most funniest, most bestest man EVAR. To Me. I get to see him in Six days and I can't wait! Looking back it's so strange to see the time BEFORE we even started talking, our sweet beginnings, which turned into full-on CrazyPerson love! And now, our lives are about to be A LOT different, in a good way, because we decided to blog.

Thanks, Google!

Alright, I've got to get my self ready! Happy weekend everybody, and to those of you who celebrate it, Happy Easter! Don't O.D. on Cadbury!

I have WORK to do! And here I sit, pointlessly blogging. I also have things to do which I never look forward to, that being Ironing clothes (yech) and packing to go to Tennessee for the Easter Holiday. That's where I spent my first easters as a little girl, in my sweet little dresses, complete with frilly socks and white mary janes. My mom KNEW how to dress a little girl.

The problem arrived when I became a teenager.

Lumpy, oddly-shaped, uncomfortable with my new...attributes, finding a dress to wear to church on Easter sunday became an Act of Congress. At 13 I had just begun to loathe pink, which I would not fully appreciate again until my mid 20's (or, more accurately, until Legally Blonde) and the only colors I wanted to don were white (which, if you're lumpy and oddly-shaped, you know how disasterous white can be) and Army Green. Where and why my obsession with Army Green began I'll never know. I can only look back and see my mother and aunt standing outside the dressing room at Goody's, their faces buried in their hands to supress the shrieks of sheer frustration. And me, wearing an Army green shirtdress, with a mile-wide belt (HUGE gold buckle) standing there saying "WHAT?!?"

No wonder my mom started going gray so early. Sorry, mom.

Next week will be another short week, for Friday I will be flying on the miraculous NonStop flight to MN, to see My Manz. Has anyone else besides me noticed the suspicious lack of Manz? Manz gone Missing!

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Not-A-Finger has made another post! Oh Joy! Please do me this one favor and read! And then wet your pants! (Cause, funny!)

To Quote...

"Does Proverbs not say, 'A man who cannot smell the hissing bacon of sin will never hunger for it; a man who cannot close his eyes against the light of God will be cured like ham and enter heaven through the delighted nostrils of the LORD'? I'm pretty sure it does."

1. Who was your first prom date?Damon Hylton. He of the pink teeth and dandruffy head.

2. Who was your first roommate?Tawanna Nichols, my freshman year at USC.

3. What alcoholic beverage did you drink when you got drunk the first time?Something called 'Party Juice'. The first time I ever got drunk I was 15, at a party in a cabin, and there were only 2 other girls there. Scary.

4. What was your first job?Putting letters on T-shirts at the flea market.

6. When did you go to your first funeral?I was 11, the guy who had worked for my dad since I was a kid passed away.

7. How old were you when you first moved away from your hometown?8, we moved to a town 30 miles away. Then we moved back 3 years later.

8. Who was your first grade teacher?Mrs. Adams. She was funny. That's all I remember.

9. Where did you go on your first airplane ride?Chicago, IL to see my brother graduate Basic Training.

10. When you snuck out of your house for the first time, who was with you?I was a lone agent.

11. Who was your first Best Friend and are you still friends always?Tara. We've been friends since 1st grade, we live next door to each other, we talk on the phone every day.

12. Where did you live the first time you moved out of your parents house?Dorm Room.

13. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day?Brian. He's very calming. Usually.

14. Who's wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid or a groomsmen?I never have been because my friends keep Eloping! DAMMIT!!!!

15. What is the first thing you do in the morning?Make Coffee

16. What was the first concert you ever went to?New Kids on the Block. Joey! Jordan! Jonathan! Donnie aaaaaaaand Danny!!!

17. First tattoo or first piercing?Ears pierced in 7th grade, first tattoo at 19.

18. First celebrity crush?Alan Alda. *Sigh* Hawkeye.

19. First crush?Daniel Watson. Hee!

20. First love?Dennis, my first 'real' boyfriend, and one of the (VERY) few Nice Guys I ever dated.

I had a really, really, reeeeeeealy bad day yesterday. Today I'll be working from the comfort of my bed. Mostly because I broke my cordless phone and the only other phone I have is in the bedroom. The point is, family makes you crazy faster than anything can. I had arguments with both my parents yesterday and no matter how much I feel that I was in the right, I still feel bad about arguing. And I'm usually the first to apologize. Dammit. Skylar was here last night when I had my *oh so fun* conversation with my dad. Afterwards we sat on the couch, I was sort of numbly making a bracelet for B.'s sister when Skylar blurts out "Girl, we have GOT to get happier!". And I couldn't agree more.

Friday, April 07, 2006

I know Crystal and others have mentioned this already, the comments seem to have trickled down to just above nil lately. I know one reason is that Dane no longer comments, which is sad because he left some good ones. This prompted me to review old comments, plus I've been trying to straighten out my layout, so I like to check my archives from time to time.

So maybe this *is* a tad self-indulgent. Well, to hell with ya'll. I AM self-indulgent. Here are my mostest favorite comments EVAR!!!

i'm touched. what is this salty discharge from my eyes? am i crying? omg, i DO have a heart! so there world!

You, my friend, have champagne boobs! I'm glad what I was trying to say came across...sometimes I wonder.

Also, a brief anecdote: I got a double order of fries with my veggie burger at lunch yesterday (weird period craving...I rarely want them), and I had a pang of shame/guilt when ordering them from the gorgeous blond wairess, knowing what was probably going through her mind. Then I remembered I don't care what she thinks and flashed her a "Yeah, I eat fucking fries, jealous much?" smile. Those fuckers were good, too.

Have you all enjoyed my shameless self-promotion? I hope so. It's sunday morning, I started this on friday afternoon. I didn't so much spend all weekend on it though. Let's just say I'm getting pretty damn good at beadwork. Yesterday was so rainy and Nasty, there was just nothing I felt like doing other than cleaning out underneath my bed. I found my eyeglasses!!! Also, there was a domestic distrubance on the ajoining apartment of the duplex I live in. My neigbor Linda has a grown son, and she's separated from her husband Phil. Sometimes she lets Phil sleep on her couch. For some reason yesterday her son tried to kill her husband, I saw Phil outside in the front yard, holding a bloody rag to his arm. The son was also outside, jumping around and yelling at the father. The cops came, two of them, parked right in my front yard. Then the ambulance. Then the whole neighborhood came outside to see what was going on now.

Sometimes, I really do hate where I live.

Today I'm supposed to have a date with Ashley, and am going to look for some Blue & Silver beads for stuff I'm working on for B.'s sister and cousin. He tried to get me to talk to them last night, but I wasn't feeling so hot, and didn't want anyone to think I always sound like a treefrog. We did talk some via B. and established that sister (Molly, was it?) likes Brunch. I adore brunch! So there, common ground.

Also, in the spirit of shameless self promotion...please visit the DIVAS blog to read all about my Top 5 favorite albums by female artists!

If you have not already, please visit my Target wish list, I have kindly added the link . I really want the Hello Kitty Sewing machine. Even though I just got a sewing machine. I want THAT one. In case anyone feels like getting me a going-away present. Or a housewarming present. Or a present.

I emailed my Old Friend, J., to let him know I was leaving in May. I haven't seen or spoken to him since January, but this is not too out of the ordinary for us. Let's see if he tells me to go to hell. I certainly hope not, but It wouldn't be unexpected. Also, he's going to laugh his ass off when he finds out I'm moving to Minnesota. I fully expect to hear something snarky, possibly even mean about myself and parkas. *sigh*

The current task at hand is weeding out all the stuff I want to get rid of. I find that this activity frequently takes me longer than a weekend, In fact it takes WEEKS. Mostly because you can't just SORT books, pictures, cds, etc. without the inevitable trip down memory lane. Then you have to drag your friends along with. Example: Going through shoes, find Gold heels. Call friend. Say "remember that time at blue martini where you went to sit down and your pants ripped?" and so on and so on. I wish I could be more impersonal with my stuff. It is, after all, just stuff. But most of the things I have I've had to work for. They have memories attached to them, they mean something to me. Which is why it's difficult to see them go.

Of course, when I start down that path all I have to think is "One Bedroom Apartment" and it's magically better.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

I dunno if it was the leftover chinese take out I had for dinner, or all the hormones leaving my system, but I had a truly effed up dream last night.

We were having some kind of family reunion, but for some reason it was at my parent's office? My ex-husband and his wife were staying in my old bedroom (which is disturbing enough as it is) and my mother wouldn't come out of that room, because apparantly they brought the baby as well. I don't think that B. was in the dream, but I know that I was aware of him, like I kept saying "If B. were here then I'd have someone to hang out with". The front yard kept flooding. Like, REALLY flooding. As in Huge Oceanic swells that seemed to pick only me up, there was a group of guys standing on one part of the yard talking, and for some reason the water never touched that spot. OH! And for some reason when I was Outside it was my grandparent's front yard in Orlando. But I was getting picked up by all this water, and I'd look down and see that I was in an innertube, so I wouldn't worry, I'd just kind of bob along and yell down to the guys in the front yard "Hey! You guys should try this!". Then I'd get bored and go inside to find my dad, who was playing Memory with Grandma, only they called it 'Jungle Jim' for some reason and my grandma was dressed up from the 50's, including her hair. I got upset, Mom came out of the frigging newlywed suite to tell me that I had to see a psychic, and sent me packin. At which point I think I woke up. But I can't be sure.

Still...no clowns, no Druscilla, and no Freddy Krueger. Could have been worse.

I finally spoke with my brother last night. We've been doing the careful dance of avoidance since he told me he was flat-out against me moving. He said (to paraphrase) He didn't want for me to move because we'd never see each other. I reminded him we hadn't seen each other since January, despite the fact he only lives 4 hours away. I'm going to try to get up there for a visit before his big fantastic New York summer (he's in the front running for a summer internship at MTV!) and make sure we do lots of brother-sister bonding stuff. Which to him will probably involve a water bong and a serious discussion on whether or not Radiohead was partially influenced by Steely Dan (I vote 'no' on this).

I got a surprise in the mail monday from B...PAJAMAS!!! The silk Dragon-print pj's I wanted from target. I was going to post a picture of them but target isn't showing the photo on their website, bastards! Also a very sweet card that made me go "wibble". Only two and a half more weeks until our next visit, then hopefully just a few more weeks until the final move. We've pushed the date forward, because I couldn't see any reason why not to. Anyone who has ever lived in SC in the summer knows that late may through mid november is not a good time for moving, it's a good time for heat stroke.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

I've been up since 4 a.m. and I'm feeling slightly pensive. The 'basket case' comment in previous entry relates to the fact that birth control is evil, evil stuff. Obviously my body is rejecting the great heaping mounds of extra hormones I'm trying to feed it every night, because it's making me insane. I have very little control over the things I say lately, which is not good. I've been somewhat depressed (part of it due to missing B. so much) and anxious. Also, I've had a lot of problems health-wise since I started taking them. Headaches, nausea, and oh! yeah, Insomnia. Plus, it makes me mean.

So no more of that! I'm going to try the Nuva-ring thingie. I hear it feels...odd to say the least but it's all localized hormones, so it will be worth it to me to not be fucking CRAZY. When I start blathering about demons in my toilet, maybe you guys should just go ahead and call my mother, okay?

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Since Adam seems to have quit with the Movie of the Week feature, I thought I would do one in his stead. Today AMC featured Highlander and I couldn't help but watch. I love this movie!

Clancy Brown is in my top 5 favorite actors, and as the Kurgan he is just BAD. ASSED! Christopher Lambert, who is suppossed to be the hero, somehow comes off being just about as creepy. I think it has something to do with how his eyes are all close together, and he's always wearing a trench coat. Also, 16th-century Scottish Priests had mohawks. Rawk! I love the chick with shoulderpads, I love the swords, I love the animated lightning, and I love love love the Queen sountrack! Don't you find it hilarious that SHOWERS of sparks come shooting out of everything they hit with their swords, including human flesh?

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Last night did not quite pan out as I had anticipated. I ate some not-great chicken that had me so nauseated I was seconds away from channeling Shannen Doherty in Heathers ('Careful Heather, you might be digesting'). So I did not get to attend lounge night. But I won't be bummed because from all the chatter about it, I would have been like...the 5th wheel. Or 7th. An odd wheel.

Tonight I'm hosting movie night. I'm thinking I may go with the Bonnie & Clyde theme but really, that would take like a whole week. And how would I pick out the best ones? Let's say these are the finalists:

- True Romance - Love & a 45 - Guncrazy - Natural Born Killers

And I know there is probably like, a ton more than that. Although out of all those I liked True Romance the best.

I'm picking up on a theme for this entry, Christian Slater. (Did anyone ever see Julian Po?)