Ashamed of my begging mother

by

I have a complaint to make to you and I am expecting your advice. I am 23 years old. I was introduced to a man a few years ago. He is white. We became lovers. He is from America. I told him about the struggles I have to support my child because my child's father has other women and he doesn't give me money for his child. Sometimes I had to curse him and tell him bad words to get money out of him.

This man (foreigner) went back to America and called me every day and he started to support me. Six months after, he came back again to Jamaica and we got married. I told him that he shouldn't spend money to go to a hotel, he should stay with me because my father actually encouraged me to let him stay at the house with us. It was the worst thing I did because my mother got to know him very well, even better than I. Some of the things he told her, he didn't tell me. For example, he told my mother that he was adopted; he doesn't know his biological parents. And that he spent a lot of money on his depression.

My mother chats too much. Sometimes he used to sit with her for hours talking alone, and she told him things about me that happened from school days. She told him I got pregnant when I was 17 and how she had to take me to a doctor to abort the baby because I was too young. I couldn't understand why my mother would tell my husband these things. He told my mother that he wasn't interested in hearing all these things about me because he loves me and that is all he wants to know.

Every time he sends me money, he asks me to give her at least US$100 out of it. For the Christmas, he sent the usual US$100 and my mother said that she expected more than that from him. Any misunderstanding between my mother and myself these days, she warns me that she will tell my husband about it.

TOLD HIM TO STOP

My husband has my mother's number and she has his. Now she is calling him and begging him for money. Then he calls me and asks me if life is so bad with her why she is always begging. I told him that he should stop sending money for her. He said that he would do so in the coming year. He has filed for me and my child.

I am eager to get out of here. I had to beg my father not to call my husband because he was threatening to call him and tell my husband that his wife is a gold-digger. I am so ashamed of my mother.

V.D.

Dear V.D.,

I hope your father would not carry out his threat. But I also hope that your mother would cease from embarrassing you by asking your husband for money. Your father called her a gold-digger. I don't know if that was the right way to describe her because generally when one is describing a gold-digger, it is in reference to women who are always trying to get more money from men with whom they have intimate relationships.

What your mother has failed to realise is that by begging your husband for money, she embarrasses your father because she is giving the impression that your father is very poor and he is not supporting her. So, she has to seek help from your husband. That is so very sad.

What I suggest you do is to tell your husband that he may consider sending money to your mother occasionally; like on her birthday or on special occasions.

It is unfortunate that your mother gave information to your husband about your past. Such information should have been given to him by you if you felt that you needed to do so. Some people chat too much. There are certain information that only you should give to your husband, and you are under no obligation to tell a man everything about your past. And remember that your man (husband) will not tell you everything about his past.

I hope that your husband would accept and support your child as his own. And I also hope that he would be able to get you to America to live with him in the near future. And when you go to America, please use the opportunity to go to school. Work on a career; you are young so do not just seek to earn without getting an education. The better education you have, the more you would earn because you would be qualified to get good jobs.

The next time your husband comes to Jamaica, don't encourage him to stay at your parents' home. Both of you should book in a hotel. Both of you need privacy and to spend time alone because his visits are not very long.

Concerning your child's father, he should have been taken to court for child support. It is not too late. He should be forced to support his child.