Sunday, December 01, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A study says that prayer boosts a person’s self control and emotional stability. Apparently the study didn’t include Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart and Ted Haggard.

A new spy camera can take pictures in complete darkness. On one hand, people will be upset about being photographed without knowing it but on the other hand they will be glad there is no annoying red eye.

A new spy camera can take pictures in complete darkness. Don’t we already have that technology? It’s called a built in flash.

Pop Warner football registration numbers have been falling in recent years. The reasons for the drop are increasing violence associated with football, head injuries and the fear of one day being drafted by the Jacksonville Jaguars.

Jimmy Carter’s grandson is running for Georgia Governor on the nostalgia of the Carter years. How bad have things gotten when we are looking back fondly on hyper inflation, the hostages in Iran and the energy crisis?

Scientists say they have discovered the world’s oldest public toilet. Apparently it even predates the New York subway system.

Scientists say they have discovered the world’s oldest public toilet. Contrary to public belief, it is not the Cuyahoga River.

Scientists say they have discovered the world’s oldest public toilet. Even though the site is 240 Million years old, researchers knew what it was the instant they found George Michael’s phone number on the wall.

Intel is working on perceptual computing that senses emotions and body language. Which means that computers will be able to be programmed to dump out of the porn sites men are looking at when their wives walk in the room unexpectedly.

A Japanese man who was switched at birth was awarded $317,000. While the man is upset about being raised by a different family, it could have been worse. At least they didn’t hand him over to Woody Allen.

A Japanese man who was switched at birth was awarded $317,000. The whole thing could have been averted if only there was a Japanese syndication deal for “Maury.”

The U.S. is offering to destroy all of Syria’s chemical weapons. Isn’t that how we ended up getting into Iraq?

A limited edition Kentucky whiskey is selling for $4,000 a bottle. Apparently it is so strong, it can get people drunk enough to pay $4,000 a bottle for whiskey.

A new radio app is like Pandora for news stations. Apparently it allows people to customize their news reports to just murder or robberies without having to sit through all the boring political and economic news.

The TSA says that travelers leave behind $500,000 in loose change in airport security lines each year. Some people either forget their change or are in too much of a hurry. But most apparently are just leaving tips after going through a TSA cavity search.

A group of students at the University of Manchester in England are demanding colleges reform the way they are teaching undergraduate economics. Apparently they don’t like the way colleges make them live through the Great Depression while they are paying off their college loans for the next 30 years.

Law schools across the nation are reporting lower enrollments over the past few years because of the lack of available jobs after graduation due to the economy. At least there is finally a good side to all the recent bad economic news.

Researchers say that Millennials are earning less than their parents were at the same age. Which is OK since they are living in their parents’ basement they don’t have to pay rent, food or get the opportunity to ever have to pay for a date.

A Senate plan to adjust the corporate tax rates has alarmed U.S. businesses. Mostly the ones that were surprised to hear that U.S. corporations actually were supposed to pay taxes.

A study says that the amount of food the average person eats on Thanksgiving is equal to seven Big Macs. Otherwise known to millions of Americans as “lunch.”

A report says that 18% of Americans say that they are at their ideal weight. The other 82% are also at the ideal weight. If they were a 1958 DeSoto.

A report says that 51% of Americans want to lose weight. The other 49% who saw the economy take their home, job and family figure it’s nice to have at least one thing they haven’t lost yet.

A report says that 51% of Americans want to lose weight. If nothing else, it’s just nice to know that a majority of Americans can finally agree on something.

Researchers say that acupuncture can help with people who reflexively gag at the dentist’s office. Of course, it doesn’t do much when the gagging happens when the patients are given their bill.

Researchers say that acupuncture can help with people who reflexively gag at the dentist’s office. An easier way to prevent gagging in the dentist’s office is to change the radio station to a channel that doesn’t play any Justin Bieber songs.

A new beer glass has been designed to help Baby Boomers over 60 control their drinking with fewer spills. Or maybe they could prevent those spills by drinking a little less beer.

A Washington State man who lived frugally passed away at age 98 and left $187 Million in a secret fortune to charity. He lived so frugally, he stocked only generic mustard and not Grey Poupon in his Bentley.

A Washington State man who lived frugally passed away at age 98 and left $187 Million in a secret fortune to charity. He didn’t really live all that frugally, it just seems that way when you live in the same state as Bill Gates.

A study says that staying active all day is linked to a longer, healthier life. Which is bad news for the researchers who sat around for two years putting the study together.

A study says that too much testosterone is linked to a shorter life span. That’s just more bad news for Rosie O’Donnell.

A study says that too much testosterone is linked to a shorter life span. Finally some good news for the Jacksonville Jaguars.

Kanye West is comparing his romance with Kim Kardashian to that of Romeo and Juliet. Which most people say they would appreciate as long as it ends the same way soon.

The original handwritten manuscript for “Born To Run” by Bruce Springsteen” will be put up for auction. One of the interested bidders is New Jersey Governor Chris Christie who thinks that any song written in New Jersey about someone who can’t wait to run for something must be about him.

The original handwritten manuscript for “Born To Run” by Bruce Springsteen” will be put up for auction. It is considered the unofficial New Jersey anthem. Mainly because it’s about two young people who will do anything they can to get out of New Jersey.

David Beckham says he was subjected to humiliating sex acts as part of hazing when he was a teen soccer player. Although he wouldn’t say what the act was, it turns out that kicking a soccer ball has nothing to do with the origin of the term “Bend it like Beckham.”

Richie Incognito has been suspended but is still being paid by the Miami Dolphins. This guy is good. He has even figured out how to bully the team’s owner.

A Dallas Cowboys fan was beaten unconscious by four Raiders fans at the game played on Thanksgiving. People were shocked. How did four Raiders fans get their probation changed to allow them to travel out of state?

A Dallas Cowboys fan was beaten unconscious by four Raiders fans at the game played on Thanksgiving. The four Raiders fans were immediately taken into custody to try to show the defense how they did it.

Auburn beat Alabama on a last second field goal return for a touchdown. The game was a nail biter all the way through. At least for the three fans at the stadium who actually had enough teeth to bite their nails with.

A report says that Thanksgiving Day sales online hit an all time record high of $1 Billion. Apparently all those stores that opened on Thanksgiving didn’t bother to take into consideration that most people were too overstuffed to leave the dining room table let alone go out to shop.

Harrod’s is offering a $111,000 iPhone that is made of gold, diamonds and other precious stones. Although the real value comes from the fact that it is locked out from ever allowing the owner to sign up for service with AT&T.

The NSA is being accused of looking at the online viewing habits of radicals in order to get dirt on them. If someone is willing to blow up an entire country including innocent civilians, they probably really don’t care what people think about them if they watch a little Internet porn.

Rough Trade is opening a 15,000 square foot record store in Brooklyn. Which is big news for anyone still living in 1974.

Rough Trade is opening a 15,000 square foot record store in Brooklyn. The hardest part is explaining to anyone under 40 what a record is.

Rough Trade is opening a 15,000 square foot record store in Brooklyn. The store’s owners still haven’t figured out what to do with the other 14990 square feet of space after they put up the displays for their entire stock of records and CDs.

President Obama has signed a bill allowing 300 research chimps to retire. The only problem is that those are the apes who were in charge of creating the Obamacare website.

President Obama met with fasting immigration reform advocates. The reason he met with them is because the sequestration doesn’t give him enough money to be able to have any of his meetings catered.

President Obama and his family say they may stay in Washington, D.C. after he leaves office in 2017. Especially if he is replaced by a Republican so he can stop by the White House every day and say “Not so easy, is it?”

President Obama is set to issue a new national security strategy. This time a copy may be sent to the Department of Homeland Security so they can possibly get an idea of what they are actually supposed to be doing.

A study says that people getting married actually know in their gut if their marriage will be a happy one. One way for women to tell that it won’t be is if they look up and see the person they are marrying is Donald Trump.

A study says that people getting married actually know in their gut if their marriage will be a happy one. Which is why the Champagne was replaced with Pepto-Bismol as the toast beverage at each of Larry King’s weddings.

“Fast & Furious” star Paul Walker was killed in a car crash near Los Angeles. A star of films about street racing getting killed in an auto accident is about as ironic as Adam Sandler dying inside an empty movie theater.

A report says the launch code for the nuclear launch code at U.S. Minuteman Silos was 00000000. Apparently it was exactly the same as the IQ of the person who decided that was a good idea.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I hope you all had a very Happy Thanksgiving. You have had four days now to digest all that turkey, dressing and pumpkin pie so it should be safe once again to read these jokes. Now we have less than a month until Christmas. So between shopping and sending out cards, you still should have just enough time to make sure to send the love!