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Ashamed, embarrassed & confused

First time here - didn't know where else to go for this - somewhat embarrassed to be here writing this.

For a long time I have struggled with the idea of interest in guys. It seems to have been an offshoot of low self esteem - always wanted to look like someone else especially those guys that always seemd to get the girls. That and other influences eventually I saw the interest in guys become more difficult to ignore. To date I have never had any sex (oral or anal) with a guy other than a mutual JO many years ago. Being extremely shy I never acted on anything except to try and find girls to date and eventually married a gal. We're now separated but for different issues than this. Nobody knows this about me.

I have seen more than my share of straight & gay porn. They all make it seem fun, normal and enjoyable. So I had to be curious and wonder why a guy would stick himself into the rectum of another and why a guy would let him do so. Like I said, I am curious. So, very ashamed, I bought some toys. The Fleshlight is great but the trouble begins with the dildo. I put a condom on it, lubed it up and gave it a go. After trying 3 times in 2 days I am even more ashamed, confused and worried. What have I done? Any pleasure was negated by the discomfort and some pain. I tried more lube - same results except even more ashamed now yet still curious for more. I haven't done anything else and am trying to give myself time to get back to normal and deal with the guilt - but the curiousity still exists and I hate myself for it. Now it seems I can't control the passing of gas like I used to and that can be embarrasing in public to sound like your sitting on bubble wrap....
Will my butt ever be normal again? Would the experience have been different with a guy?

What does one do when they have desires like these and these feelings, thoughts and desires go completely against your core beliefs? I can't share with anyone around in my area and I am too well known and liked by those people I do know. Does anyone else NOT want to be gay or Bi? Have we simply chosen to keep doing it until it seems normal or ok and we no longer feel bad?

What are your thoughts? Hopefully you will see this and respond thoughtfully. This is a serious issue for me and sincerely ask for input.

First off you need to shake off the feelings of guilt. I know it's easier said than done but you need to start trying. If you are gay or bi it doesn't change anything about you. You are still the same person inside and out. Society loves to place labels on people but the simple fact is that human sexuality varies widely and for many it's fluid. Having some curiosity, and acting on it, doesn't make you gay or bi. It just makes you curious, one of the best qualities a human can have.

It sounds like you are under a lot of stress. A breakup is never easy, especially when you have been married to the person, and lots of stress can do bad shit to your head. You shouldn't curb your curiosity but in my opinion redirect it for a while until you are feeling less stressed. I suggest getting some credible books on the subject of sexuality and exploring your real inner feelings. Being gay or bi, or any other labeled tendency, is more than just sexual curiosity. If you can afford it, I also recommend trying to find a good and trustworthy psychologist, especially one who specializes in sexual and gender counseling. They can help guide you through the self exploration process as well as dealing with other stresses and anxieties in your life. With private counseling you don't have to worry about being judged, or your friends and family finding out, and they've heard it all so you're not going to shock them with any frank discussion. If you can't afford private counseling, perhaps you can locate a support and discussion group. Talking out your feeling, fears and curiosities is very therapeutic. And realizing you're not alone in this can make it much easier.

Good luck. I hope you return to this forum and let us know how you're doing.

Re: Ashamed, embarrassed & confused

I feel bad for U. A lot of guys...especially bi guys feel guilty about their desires. On the plus side, you experimented alone first and didn't involve or harm others. As for the physical pain its simply a matter of too much too soon. If you have a desire for ass play, play with your ass...rub, squeeze, lick your fingers and just rub your hole. If you enjoy that with out guilt, try fingering your hole. If you like that, try a butt plug. They're smaller than a dildo. etc etc.

If you find you don't enjoy it, then it's just not your thing. You're not a bottom. Now you know.

There's no reason to feel guilty or ashamed. You're exploring your personal desires and finding what you enjoy or don't enjoy. There's nothing wrong with that.

Re: Ashamed, embarrassed & confused

By the way....I know porn makes it seem like the guy or girl just takes a big dick up their ass. Some can because they've been doing it already. On the other hand, in a behind the scenes clip on Randy Blue (for example), Diego Sans (whose a top off camera) in his first couple of scenes (where they wanted him to bottom) joked about stretching his hole with a butt plug before the scene so that he could do a full on fuck.

Re: Ashamed, embarrassed & confused

I read your post earlier, I had to think for a while and try to remember what I felt like when I first realized that I had an interest in guys.
It was a lonely feeling, we feel like we are the only ones, weirdoes or perverts with a dirty secret, this is so far from the truth, the fact is that most guys at one time or another have had erotic thoughts about other males, most guys suppress and deny them.
You have nothing to be ashamed of, you are just learning about yourself, many str8 guys like anal play, it's not just a gay thing.
The best thing that you can do is accept yourself as you are, we can not change our sexuality, so if you come out gay or bi embrace and love yourself, there is nothing wrong with you.

Re: Ashamed, embarrassed & confused

Originally Posted by dontwantthis

What does one do when they have desires like these and these feelings, thoughts and desires go completely against your core beliefs? I can't share with anyone around in my area and I am too well known and liked by those people I do know. Does anyone else NOT want to be gay or Bi? Have we simply chosen to keep doing it until it seems normal or ok and we no longer feel bad?

Hi--and welcome. You raise many questions and issues in your post that have been risen by millions of guys since time began.

When these types of feelings "go against your core beliefs" then, quite bluntly, it's time to re-examine those core beliefs. Speaking for myself (but I suspect countless others too), I had to resolve my attraction to men with some "core beliefs" that were inconsistent with that. As it turns out, those beliefs had never been my own but, rather, adopted de-facto from friends, relatives, and society at large without thinking very critically about them, and they didn't really fit what I came to believe. So, my "core beliefs" evolved over time to adopt to my reality, and I couldn't be more comfortable. I had to jettison off ideas that homosexuality was "unnatural" and a "sin" and all that malarky. I had to dispel other societal myths and judgments about who I should be, whom I should love, and how I found pleasure. Once I quit letting "them" try to define for "me" what life and love was, the happier I became and the more comfortable in my skin I became. It's a journey. It doesn't happen in one conversation and you don't wake up one morning with A-HA insight. It's a process, but you've begun it and are asking the right questions.

I might be reading more into your post than you meant (these things are hard to digest in one post sometimes) but you seem fixated on anal pleasure and anal sex, with dildos, pain, guilt, etc. etc. Many men, gay or otherwise, are not particularly interested in anal sex, anal stimulation, or anything remotely connected to the rectum. That's fine, too. Some have intercourse, anally, as an expression of love and bonding. Others, don't. You *might* be finding out that anal activity isn't your cup of tea. Thus, no, you don't have to practice and force it on yourself until you're comfortable with it. It may not be your thing. I, too, was curious about it and tried it and discovered--eh, not so much for me.

The best way to really explore this side of yourself is with a living, sensitive partner who could take you through the ropes and let you explore and test on your own terms at your own comfort level. I guarantee you that some "gay" behaviors will turn you off, and some might find you pleasure like you've never known. Just don't hold yourself to a standard--find what's right for you and go for it. You don't owe anyone any excuses or apologies--it's just you.

Good luck on your journey. Let us know how you're doing and what you're thinking.

Re: Ashamed, embarrassed & confused

Originally Posted by dontwantthis

So, very ashamed, I bought some toys. The Fleshlight is great but the trouble begins with the dildo. I put a condom on it, lubed it up and gave it a go. After trying 3 times in 2 days I am even more ashamed, confused and worried. What have I done? Any pleasure was negated by the discomfort and some pain. I tried more lube - same results except even more ashamed now yet still curious for more. I haven't done anything else and am trying to give myself time to get back to normal and deal with the guilt - but the curiousity still exists and I hate myself for it.

I'm not going to comment on the other stuff you've said just yet.

But this stuff... seriously, dude, you shouldn't feel guilty about something you've got up to all alone in the privacy of your own home or bedroom. Everybody has their own thing which gets them off and it is NOTHING at all for you to be ashamed about, honestly.

Re: Ashamed, embarrassed & confused

Thanks to everyone who has responded so far to my post and I greatly appreciate the comments and understanding. There is a lot to digest and I am going to take a little time to go over the posts again then I'll reply more specifically.

Re: Ashamed, embarrassed & confused

You *might* be finding out that anal activity isn't your cup of tea. Thus, no, you don't have to practice and force it on yourself until you're comfortable with it. It may not be your thing. I, too, was curious about it and tried it and discovered--eh, not so much for me.

Raising my hand as another guy who is not interested in anal sex or play at all. You don't have to force yourself to do something that's physically unpleasant to you, attraction to other men can be expressed through oral sex, mutual masturbation, or hell, just making out with them. Don't get caught up in the stereotypes about what gay sex is supposed to be, just enjoy what feels good to you.

Re: Ashamed, embarrassed & confused

OP, I couldn't make out if your "core beliefs" were religious or not, but many Christians suffer from the amazingly naive concept called "The Smooth Road"; it means that once you give in to temptation it's going to be smooth -if sinful- sailing from there on.

When it comes to enjoying gay anal sex, nothing is further from the truth. It has to be learned, and some of the older gay men I know who have been out for most of their adult life have never learned to enjoy it at all.

It's true that it comes easier to some of us than to others, but I think your problem is probably that you're using the wrong dildo. You may have to start with something smaller and/or softer. Maybe a small butt-plug?

Lastly, commercial porn isn't very good for learning sex or anything else from.

Re: Ashamed, embarrassed & confused

I grew up in a devoutly Catholic family and even attended a private Catholic school (thankfully not as strict as they were in the 60s or 70s). I never questioned my heterosexuality until my first homosexual experience. Long story shorter, I dabbled in bisexuality for a month or two, and now I identify myself as being gay!

Re: Ashamed, embarrassed & confused

I'm back, been out of state on a trip. Thanks to all who have taken time to comment.

My body seems to have gotten back to normal so I am not so concerned about that as I was.

As for beliefs - yes, Christian, and I have a lot of respect for my faith. This does, of course, put me at odds with the thoughts and feelings. This creates anxiety and stress during those times I slip and act on the feelings by watching porn or masturbating. I do not view masturbation as sinful unless it involves pretending to be involved with a guy or girl. At any rate I don't wish this post to become a theological one.

A previous post suggested I may be fixated on anal sex and I had to give that some thought. At the moment I would say no. Initially I couldn't understand why some people would want to play with another's anus let alone stick their own body parts into it. I still don't understand while at the same time being curious myself about how it feels.

Personally I still have desires for close female companionship but also for guys. Being very shy sex would take a while before I gave into that. Sex with a guy would have to be the right combination of conditions and I would need to have strong feelings in order to allow myself to try that. For example I like certain porn stars and may fold if one of them came along at the right time and place. We all know the chances of that happening. Being a rather plain sort of guy, and thin (not skinny) but in good health, I have most all my teeth (less a molar) but the hairline seems to be going north, my choice of women or guys has always been limited.

I once made the mistake of talking to a man I knew who I thought could understand my dilemma. Big mistake. I thought because he was sort of feminine .....bad idea. HE wanted to try kissing instead. Not what I had in mind and I was really grossed out. Maybe he was trying to show me that I really didn't have an issue - I don't remember much else about the conversation.

The poster from Amsterdam? Wow. I was there once, sort of drove through. Got some fantastic pictures. Spent most of my time in Utrecht.

Some very interesting comments. For the record, this is the most open I have spoken regarding sex of any type. I wonder if I would be so open with any of you in person?

Re: Ashamed, embarrassed & confused

Originally Posted by dontwantthis

First time here - didn't know where else to go for this - somewhat embarrassed to be here writing this.

For a long time I have struggled with the idea of interest in guys. It seems to have been an offshoot of low self esteem - always wanted to look like someone else especially those guys that always seemd to get the girls. That and other influences eventually I saw the interest in guys become more difficult to ignore. To date I have never had any sex (oral or anal) with a guy other than a mutual JO many years ago. Being extremely shy I never acted on anything except to try and find girls to date and eventually married a gal. We're now separated but for different issues than this. Nobody knows this about me.

I have seen more than my share of straight & gay porn. They all make it seem fun, normal and enjoyable. So I had to be curious and wonder why a guy would stick himself into the rectum of another and why a guy would let him do so. Like I said, I am curious. So, very ashamed, I bought some toys. The Fleshlight is great but the trouble begins with the dildo. I put a condom on it, lubed it up and gave it a go. After trying 3 times in 2 days I am even more ashamed, confused and worried. What have I done? Any pleasure was negated by the discomfort and some pain. I tried more lube - same results except even more ashamed now yet still curious for more. I haven't done anything else and am trying to give myself time to get back to normal and deal with the guilt - but the curiousity still exists and I hate myself for it. Now it seems I can't control the passing of gas like I used to and that can be embarrasing in public to sound like your sitting on bubble wrap....
Will my butt ever be normal again? Would the experience have been different with a guy?

What does one do when they have desires like these and these feelings, thoughts and desires go completely against your core beliefs? I can't share with anyone around in my area and I am too well known and liked by those people I do know. Does anyone else NOT want to be gay or Bi? Have we simply chosen to keep doing it until it seems normal or ok and we no longer feel bad?

What are your thoughts? Hopefully you will see this and respond thoughtfully. This is a serious issue for me and sincerely ask for input.

Re: Ashamed, embarrassed & confused

what i dont get, is why this goes against your core beliefs?
why do you feel guilty?

you are doing what comes naturally. and guess what? it is natural.
there is no more reason to feel guilty about any form of masturbation, then there is having sex with another mutually consenting adult (such the women you slept with).

I'm back, been out of state on a trip. Thanks to all who have taken time to comment.

My body seems to have gotten back to normal so I am not so concerned about that as I was.

As for beliefs - yes, Christian, and I have a lot of respect for my faith. This does, of course, put me at odds with the thoughts and feelings. This creates anxiety and stress during those times I slip and act on the feelings by watching porn or masturbating. I do not view masturbation as sinful unless it involves pretending to be involved with a guy or girl. At any rate I don't wish this post to become a theological one.

A previous post suggested I may be fixated on anal sex and I had to give that some thought. At the moment I would say no. Initially I couldn't understand why some people would want to play with another's anus let alone stick their own body parts into it. I still don't understand while at the same time being curious myself about how it feels.

Personally I still have desires for close female companionship but also for guys. Being very shy sex would take a while before I gave into that. Sex with a guy would have to be the right combination of conditions and I would need to have strong feelings in order to allow myself to try that. For example I like certain porn stars and may fold if one of them came along at the right time and place. We all know the chances of that happening. Being a rather plain sort of guy, and thin (not skinny) but in good health, I have most all my teeth (less a molar) but the hairline seems to be going north, my choice of women or guys has always been limited.

I once made the mistake of talking to a man I knew who I thought could understand my dilemma. Big mistake. I thought because he was sort of feminine .....bad idea. HE wanted to try kissing instead. Not what I had in mind and I was really grossed out. Maybe he was trying to show me that I really didn't have an issue - I don't remember much else about the conversation.

The poster from Amsterdam? Wow. I was there once, sort of drove through. Got some fantastic pictures. Spent most of my time in Utrecht.

Some very interesting comments. For the record, this is the most open I have spoken regarding sex of any type. I wonder if I would be so open with any of you in person?

Thanks again,

I really understand your feelings and they are not abnormal or unusual. For those that have heard all their life that such feelings are sinful and wrong, it's very hard to get comfortable with them. It takes time and lots of self exploration.

It's not unusual for bisexual men to be attracted to the two sexes in different ways, romantically or intellectually for one sex, sexually for the other.

There are people out there that are interested in something other than sex. Start looking slowly and cautiously. Don't jump into discussions or situations that make you uneasy. Once you connect with the right person it will get easier.

Re: Ashamed, embarrassed & confused

It was good to talk about this and get some different perspectives. I really appreciated the fact that most who posted seemed sincere with their comments. Not sure where I'll go from here - I do have a little better understanding as I have pondered the post responses. For now I guess I'll see just how things work out. Thanks everyone!

Re: Ashamed, embarrassed & confused

Hi dontwantthis:

I spent a long period of time trying to sort out my feelings too. It is not easy. I have read many of the above comments and many of them offer some very good ideas and suggestions. Please take some time to read them over carefully and reflect upon what is said.

The one thing you need to know is that you don't walk this journey alone.

I would like to comment on the topic of porn and anal sex. Please don't think that porn videos are the criteria for determining if you are gay, bi or straight. For the most part they are designed to present a fantasy world and they are meant to enjoyed for just that reason. They help us live out a fantasy that we really can't experience in real life.
In regards to anal sex, whether you enjoy it or not does not determine your sexual make-up. Personally, I find it difficult too.

Re: Ashamed, embarrassed & confused

Maybe your not a bottom if you don't love it. When I first tried it pain or not I wanted to keep doing it. As for the other, not all guys but I'll see a certain guy and I am turned on, and want sex with him, and have been like this since 13, and accepted this about me, you have to do the same, if you want happiness.