contemplations and ruminations

This past year was a year of inner growth, change and revelation for me. I went through many struggles but I think I realized a lot of things about myself and am stronger and happier because of it. This is really long because I went through each month individually to get a feel for the whole picture, so I'm cutting it. Some of you know/remember much of what happened in my life this year, for those interested in knowing or finding out...

JanuaryI started a new diet in January. It’s a lower carb, higher protein diet called the Naturopathic Diet and is the first diet that I’ve actually been able to stick to.

I found a singing group in Toronto for gays and lesbians. I was thinking of joining it but decided that I didn’t want to commit to something like that at the time. This was mainly because I’d just taken a big step and applied to University as well as switched to part-time work and I just wanted to enjoy the extra time. Switching to part-time meant less money, but also less stress, and I’m really glad that I did it.

Started doubting whether or not I really wanted to go back to University. I’d already applied and was running the application gauntlet, but part of me was afraid of getting refused. It was the year of the double cohort afterall.

I was starting to get comfortable with being single. It was the one year mark for me since Rob and I broke up after 2.5 years. I was starting to be able to think about the relationship and reflect on it without the hurt of loss. I was starting to accept the reasons why we’d broken up and that it meant I had the freedom to truly explore my sexuality.

I started to entertain notions of meeting someone new and falling in love. I asked Aphrodite to send me love if it was indeed the right time… I was hopeful that I would meet someone to spend Valentines Day with. I didn’t…. though I did start meeting people, nothing came of it.

FebruaryI remembered something from several years ago in February that would take a long time for me to heal from. I remembered “giving up” my wish for true love. It was the one wish that I’d always wished for myself and I remember having given it up to save a life… when the life was saved, I took it as a sign from the higher power that my wish was gone. I’d “given up” my chance for true love freely, but it saddened me to know that it was gone. I couldn’t even bring myself to think of asking for true love because of this agreement with the higher power.

I went through my old diaries and remembered things from my past. I found it to be an enlightening exercise as it helped provide some insight into some of the things I was going through this year.

I had a fight with a friend from work that made me realize something about myself… I hate being misunderstood. I also hate it when people get mad at me for something I did that they took the wrong way.

My Dad and Step-mom got back together this year and I started getting back in touch with them. I got word from U of T that they needed a doctor’s note because I cited medical reasons for my poor marks at Queens. I was a little bit upset about having to “prove” this, but it ended up being fairly easy to track down.

Got back in touch with an old friend/roomie. Started having trouble with current roomie G. I wondered if maybe I was just being an arrogant bitch, or whether I was jealous of the relationship between him and hazelbranch….that was until a bit later that month when I found out that she was no longer happy with the relationship. The strangest part was how similar her feelings were to the feelings I’d had at the end of my relationship with Rob.

I started to wonder if I had a crush on a close friend and eventually realized I loved her in a platonic, let’s grow old and be friends forever kind of way. Felt bad about my Rusty cat spending more time with the roomies than with me and started to doubt how good of a friend I was. I realized that I’d become somewhat withdrawn from the outside world and wasn’t noticing things happening around me. I was so tangled up in my own life and inner struggles. I felt detached from other people and unable to relate to them.

I start wishing for answers, clarity and certainty. I don’t know who I am anymore, I don’t know what I believe spiritually… I’m feeling confused and unsure of so many things. I ended up the month with dreams of my ex-bf Mat and falling in love with him all over again, learning that despite working my ass off, I was really short on my commission target at work which meant no commission and reflection on the qualities I wanted in a partner and wondering if that person was closer than I thought.

MarchI started building a relationship with my Dad again after so many years of sporadic visits. He’s living so close that it’s fairly inexpensive to visit.

I decided to try switching to a vegetarian lifestyle. That was a VERY short lived experience.

My asthma starting flaring up again…after I thought it had gotten better. I was staying late at work and still not making commission and to top it off would have to pay over $200 in taxes.

AprilSARS hit Toronto and I was sick for the second time so far this year.

I was visiting my Dad frequently and loving it! They offered me a home there but I knew that it wasn’t possible because I’d just gotten accepted to U of T…though I was very tempted. Dad and I worked on renovating the basement of their house and getting to know each other all over again.

Mayhazelbranch took the plunge and ended her long-term relationship… though this may have happened at the end of April… I can’t remember and I didn’t write down the exact date.

I started classes at U of T taking a comparative religion course to start off with.

Dad and I start to notice that my step-mom has been acting funny. She’s drinking a lot of diet pop with aspartame and neither of us think that’s good for her.

I get depressed about my weight because I’ve gained a few pounds since stopping my higher protein diet. I feel like I’m letting myself down.

JuneDidn’t do as well as I’d hoped on my first exam, but realized that 70% is still pretty damn good.

My step-mom’s book on ovarian cancer came out and I went to the launch, the new roommate we got after G moved out isn’t working out and has already made many mis-steps. Luckily hazelbranch and her new bf have been talking about him moving in after he’s done teaching in PEI over the summer.

My step-mom is keeping in touch by email quite often now. I’m really enjoying the correspondence, but she keeps talking about needing me to forgive her. This bothers me because there’s nothing to forgive really. She’s starting going to AA because she has a drinking problem.

JulyI continue struggling with my spirituality, but realize that I’d been missing something since I dismissed Wicca. I start to re-evaluate my beliefs and realizing that the magic is still there, I just had to open myself to it. I start doing more solitary rituals and searching for the names of my God/Goddess.

ladydogstar takes the plunge and ends her long-term relationship. I realize we have more in common than I’d thought and we start developing a stronger friendship.

My doctor tells me that I need to lose weight... I realize that it’s no longer just something that I’d like to do, but rather something I need to do.

I find that I’m feeling spacey and exhausted more often lately. I’m also not doing all the things that I want to and feel like I’m letting myself down. My moods reflect feelings of depressing, frustration with weight/work/home and apathy. I’m also struggling with feelings of “not fitting in” and got accused of sleeping with a co-worker by his gf.

I read the book CUNT and made the decision to stop taking the pill, started finding pennies everywhere I went and dreamt about true, deep, love.

AugustContinued focus on my spirituality. Put up an altar and started writing poetry to the Goddess. Met ladydogstar’s family. Aced my first course.Got rid of awful roommate.Survived the blackout. Was outed as a witch at brunch with my family (dad’s side).Went to my first Scarlet Woman.Feel a potential rift developing between a friend and I.

SeptemberTURNED A QUARTER OF A CENTURY OLD!!!!!! I’d been looking forward to this for months (maybe even years and finally it was here!). I received a fabulous gift from my friends (Millenial Gaia statue) that I’d really wanted.

I really started noticing that everyone around me seemed to be falling in love…except me. I feel lonely and “left behind”. I’m torn between enjoying the single life and wanting companionship.

Started a new semester of courses. Got into both the courses I’d wanted. Decided on a religion major, but can’t declare until I have one more credit.

Found out that my step-mom hadn’t been going to AA like she’d said she was, and has been lying about different things. Dad is getting really upset about it and doesn’t know what to do.

Realize that my depression seems worse at night and that I’m not comfortable with my friend’s new relationship. Got a bad feeling from the new bf and actually gave it some credit.

Went and saw the musical “Rent”…the first bit of theatre in a few years.

OctoberStill struggling with depression…but in the end, a bit after a long, tear filled chat with ladydogstar in which I confessed that I wasn’t sure I believed in love anymore... I found within myself the strength to wish for love in my life and believe in it again. I got my wish, but not in the way I expected.

Start reading about Thelema.

NovemberStart feeling a shift in my emotional state. Confusion sets in and emotions become mixed up.

Went to a ritual at Beith & C’s place which included a guided meditation… this seems to be the starting point of the change in my mental/emotional outlook. Although the experience was distressing at the time, it was also very heal. My self-confidence also begins to improve.

Bought a guitar and started teaching myself how to play. Probably the best purchase I made all year.

Fell in love…with myself. Stood in the rain and let it wash over me as I felt the love wash over me. Took the leap to take myself out to a club, alone, and had a great time!

DecemberMy moods are brighter and I’m generally happier with life. I’m feeling more extroverted, but also more introspective. I’m realizing things about myself and feeling good about myself. I’ve spent more time with family in the past few months and developed better relationships with others as well. I realize that I haven’t done too badly in the past year, though there have been many rough patches. I’m happy with how far I’ve come.

My Dad and step-mom split up, but I have a feeling that will also turn out to be for the best too. I'm getting to watch my nephew grow up and be part of his life.

I look forward to the New Year and all the wonderful things it brings.