The Hype Weekly, the self-described "sexiest alt weekly newspaper in Manhattan, Kansas," recently exposed the real problem with Fake Patty's Day, the college town's annual and very drunken St. Patrick's Day celebration: rampant violence and sexual assault brought on by women who act like boys and are therefore responsible for raping...themselves?

Fake Patty's Day does seem like an overcrowded shitshow, as one would expect from a festival celebrating day drinking, although cops told local TV station WIBW that there were no major incidents, accidents or injuries to report this year.

"But it is women who suffer the most," reports Jeff Koenig. The basis for this theory is based on an inarguably disturbing event he witnessed during FPD in 2011 ("a woman being beaten in the head by a man with his elbow and dragged screaming into a car later that same night") and "a well known quote" from the 1935 British comedy Boys Will Be Boys that "is often applied to grown men who act childishly." He doesn't actually reference the quote, but we think we get the gist of it: "FPD has become a playtime largely for boys, and women are getting hurt."

Who's to blame? The boys? The men? Boyz II Men? No. "In this author's opinion," Koenig writes, "women have even greater power than men to stop that part of FPD which is only rampant mayhem." Do tell!

We need to remember the ageless drive in men to desire and seek after the affection of women. For the attention of a woman, a man can rise up to surpassing nobility. For the possession of a woman, a boy can descend into a pit of abuse. But a woman can flip the switch. A woman of good character will inspire a man to reach for that nobility, while a woman who imitates the behavior of boys in order to get their attention can direct the very abuse that injures them. This does not except the victimization of a woman that can happen when she is lured in by a boy pretending to be a man until he thinks no one can stop him. A woman of character must take extra care to be sure of a man's character before being vulnerable to him.

It should be enough to demand that the boys grow up and act like men, and many are demanding that, but we cannot control each others' decisions. Each must choose for himself. The appeal to women is that, if there are some boys who refuse to be admirable, then women can remove the boys' opportunity for mayhem simply by refusing to get anywhere near it.

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Ladies, "the men" have a plea they'd like you to hear:

...please don't go to the house, frat and dorm parties. Please don't drink until you can feel the effects. Please don't cavort with boys you would not be proud to introduce to your parents and grandparents. Please don't imitate boys in their behavior, laugh at their jokes that degrade you, or keep their company when they stop behaving themselves. If you work for an employer that expects you to use your femininity to intoxicate men, reconsider keeping that job. Please do encourage yourselves and each other to seek out the company of real men and, if there aren't enough this FPD, then keep company with each other apart from the boys.

Good women, if you follow the above advice — stay sober, keep silent, quit your job, never talk to men ever again, resist cavorting at all costs, etc. — and sexual assault doesn't disappear, you should try disappearing yourself.

It would be far less damaging, rather than douse the flames with water, if we can remove the oxygen from the fire. Boys don't have that much fun and are far less destructive if there are no women around to "impress" or take with them into their revelry. Drunk boys will fight each other and you in order to dominate you or your attention if you appear willing, but if there is no fun to be had, the fight tends to fizzle.

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Tl;DR: Women won't be raped if they're not around to egg rapists on. Problem solved! Good talk.