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Hello to you. the past couple of days I have been riddling out a lot of personal things which include scripture. For most of my life, pretty much ever since I found out the cause for my birth mother’s taking her own life, post partum depression, I have been blaming myself. Post Partum depression, or what they call “Baby Blues” is something that occurs after child birth. If I hadn’t ever been born may be she wouldn’t have done what she did. My Dad and I don’t talk much about my Mom and that’s because I know it would hurt him and it hurts me too. I love my Dad so much. I know if we embarked on those discussions it would be like opening Pandora’s Box. He has found a way through this life without opening it. I must open my own. We all have one. A place inside of us that we put things too horrible to face and we shut them away so we can almost forget they even exist. It’s important to remember even the best of boxes don’t always seal completely shut and contents leak out.

One thing he did tell me about her was her devotion to God and religion. Perhaps overly so. Her father, Reverend Harold or Hal Becker, served the God of his understanding for many years. His wife Carol, my Mom Jeanne, her sister Ruth and their brother Bill were part of that service. After she took her life at the young age of 26 with the gun my Dad used in his work as a policeman, he put away that service, never got over my Mom’s death and neither have I. There was much blaming and finger pointing after she died. Mostly directed at my Dad for leaving his gun in the house with her after she came home from Yankton State Mental Hospital. Ultimately who is to blame? My Mom. She chose to do what she did whatever her state of mind was at the time. Who is to blame when we become overweight? When we succumb to a night of drinking? Texting while we are driving and get into an accident? We want it to be someone or something else. We would like to have someone or something else to blame besides ourselves.

Her death has been and still is a mystery, a cold-case file that there aren’t any answers to. I have gained personal insight in my quest to know her. She and I have much in common, if what I’ve been told about her and have read is true. She loved God. Loving God is a lot like being in love with a ghost. You can’t see a tangible being but recently, within the past few years, that changed for me. I started to understand why I was always fascinated with Dracula lore by reflecting on what I experienced trying to be a Roman Catholic. I can remember one time as a child kneeling during mass and really thinking about what was being said about the blood of Christ and I nearly fainted!

With the help of my Dad and others like Cesar Millan, Maran Keshe, Nikola Tesla and Wilhelm Reich and so many others (animals, insects, the trees, plants, fish etc) living and dead I began to understand energy. I began to look around and see God everywhere in everyone and everything….”everything is energy….everything is God.” Just this past year or so the exploration of words as numbers came to me. Now I dig even deeper and find truth in numbers and I am even closer to the God I have come to understand.

I don’t blame God for my misfortunes. I don’t blame God for anything because my life has been a series of choices I made. There might be some behind the scenes stuff going on I am not privy to but to look at my life for it’s face value – it’s my responsibility. Loving the God of my understanding and seeking to know them better helps me make better choices.

Jesus Comforts His Disciples

14 “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God[a]; believe also in me.2 My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.4 You know the way to the place where I am going.”

Jesus Promises the Holy Spirit

15 “If you love me, keep my commands.16 And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever—17 the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be[c] in you.18 I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.19 Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live.20 On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you.21 Whoever has my commands and keeps them is the one who loves me. The one who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love them and show myself to them.”

We’ve been in St Ives today for the Pages of the Sea event initiated by Danny Boyle to commemorate 100 years since the Armistice was signed and WW1 came to an end. It was one of thirty such events on beaches around Britain today. My choir was singing. Several of us wore white poppies which […]

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The best symbol to identify me is like the tattoo I have of a chameleon. The best way to understand my spirituality is to take in the beauty of any tree. Everything I need to know about birth, life, death and immortality can be summed up in the life of a tree! I am a creator. If I can figure out a way to make something I see with my own hands I do it. I love to do anything creative - wire bending, writing, drawing, singing, crocheting blankets, photography. I am a very spiritual person...not religious. Mother Nature and all of her creation are my church and spending time outside with her is my greatest therapy. Walking, meditating, praying and doing Tai Chi/interpretive dance in nature is how I pray. My life is an expression of life with the God of my understanding. My God is the energy that made all that is and continues to sustain it.
Some of my mottos: Everything I've ever been through whether it be good or bad has been for a reason. It is my responsibility, when given the opportunity, to share my experience, strength and hope with others who are facing what I've been through. I try to Lead by Example! Life for me is not about quantity, it's about quality. Money is only energy....not life. I feel if one person is positively affected by my writing here....my mission has been accomplished....one tells one....and so on. In the beginning and the end of life all that will ever be meaningfully remembered about you is one thing....Love. Loved and Be Loved.