going through the motions, and then deciding not to go through the motions...

room to write. thanksgiving 2009. nov 26th.

so there's this desire i have. right now. to begin writing fiction. i've kept a journal since 19, and only in my darkest times have i neglected to write. i guess because i knew it would just hurt too much to come back to those times and re-read.

but i have not written a story, per se, since middle school, or maybe it was high school. i'm nearly positive it was middle school. i remember the binder with the story, but not the last time i added to it.

college rule loose leaf. in a simple hardcover 3 ring binder. a story about a teenage girl. i remember writing about the dream house that she lived in, and she must have been old enough to drive, though i doubt that i was at the time, because she drove my coveted middle school crush car: the mazda miata convertible. i remember that there was a drawing of the house. we'll call it what it was, a MANSION. with a star shaped swimming pool.

and i know i borrowed heavily from the themes in 'daphne's book', my all time favorite book. which i just re-read again four days ago. awkward girl (i always was) with restrictive parents (mine always were).

in any case, that, paired with a few other things happening in my life right now, as in, this week, have really made me want to write something other than journal entries. i mean, writing out my life...whatever.

but the thing is, i have always struggled to write outside of what i know and what i live. i'm great at writing in the first person, i do it almost every day. but it's about my world, and my thoughts. and like many writers, i do my best work when i'm completely hearbroken, and it's always topical.

after finishing 'daphne's book' this past sunday, i went down to the dining room, where our bookshelf is, looking for something i'd been meaning to read, but hadn't yet. and i found two books that jumped out at me. 'hypnotism made easy' and 'room to write'.

i don't read. i hate that i don't read. i don't make time for it. and it almost always makes me fall asleep, so it usually takes me a while to get anywhere with it. about once a year, i read on a plane, during a flight. but i miss reading, i associate it with my single life, and college. so i am now trying to commit to reading again.

hence, the visit to the bookshelf.

i've been craving hypnotism lately. but i've only had one experience in person.

we were all made to close our eyes (a huge room full of people - an auditorium at our high school), and concentrate (duh!). and with our hands laced together, at the end of the little relaxation speech that the hypnotist gave, were told to pull our hands apart. if they slowly came apart, those people were told that they would be easier to hypnotize, and went on to the stage to be made to do funny things for everyone's entertainment.

much to my chagrin, my hands came right apart, and from that moment on, i thought i'd never be able to be hypnotized.

but i really really hope that is not the case.

besides the self-conscious girly desires to be hypnotized to not love sweets, and to have an appetite half the size of the one i've got to be forever thinner, there are so many things i'd love to be hypnotized to do and not do.

maybe this year, i'll seek out a hypnotist that can work on my subconscious a little. in the ways that my waking self cannot.

there's this workbook on the shelf, called 'the artist's way'. a friend of mine shared her copy with me when i lived out west ten years ago. it really helped me at the time, and i've since revisited it once since marriage.

i do love it, but didn't want to go back to it for a third time.

so there was the second book i picked out. only this time, in grabbing 'room to write', i noticed that on the cover, there's a quote from the woman who wrote 'the artist's way', endorsing the book.

so i'm going to start 'room to write'. today. and i hope i can stick with it. because i want to write. and i hope it can help me in a different way than 'the artist's way', but also by tapping into the creativity that i feel might be simmering inside me again.

i did something today that i have never done before. i wrote little thank you notes to the people who mean the most to me, telling them how grateful i am that they are part of my life.