Remembering Malou Amelia

Yesterday
marked the
one-year anniversary
of when I found out
I was pregnant with
Malou.

Back then
I was *sure* I wasn’t pregnant
because I had had an ultrasound of my abdomen
and I asked the technician to check for a baby while he was at it.
And for the first time
all year
I was actually OK
with the fact that I
wasn’t pregnant.
This was because we were
just about
to start our first
fertility treatments.

And so when I woke up
early that Sunday morning
with my heart pounding
I was excited
because all of a sudden
I had a *feeling*

I remember
(before peeing on that stick)
praying
asking to be able to handle
the outcome
whatever it was.

I remember
being slightly afraid
of what a positive would mean
(even though we had been trying for almost a year
and I was sad each month I saw a negative).

But when the two lines
showed up immediately
I felt a complete sense of peace.

It was just right.

Malou
was coming to the world
and that was meant to be.

I looked at myself in the mirror,
started crying with gratitude
and came into the bedroom
to wake Tom
and tell him the news.

He started crying
and kept asking if I was sure.

Then I called mom and dad
(mom guessed right away).

That day was definitely one of the best days of my life.

I hope we get another chance to have
a best day.

I hope it is this weekend.

We’ll see…

No symptoms yet
but I didn’t think I was pregnant before
either.

Ah, hope.
It’s back.

And it feels good.

I hope all anniversaries
related to
Malou
leave me with this
peace
&
hope.

I love you so much, sweet girl. I wish I could go back in time to last year, and have you all over again.

It’s great to hear you positive about that anniversary. It surely was a good day, I remember a very early phone call too and we were excited too. Remembering like this shows real progress, the good things will override the bad. You will have more good things very soon. Hugs.

I am wondering how this weekend went for you. I had basically the exact same reaction when I found out I was pregnant with Ada.

I know what you mean about wanting to go back in time. As weird as this sounds, sometimes I want to go back in time to the hospital. It was horrible, but at least then everybody was thinking about me and I got to see and hold Ada. Now, everybody has moved on – even me, sort of – and those days seem so long ago and far away.