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Herpes: Self-Reflection

Counting Blessings

June 2017

Dear Diary,

After many months of living in what I had thought to be a "happy" marriage, I experienced a sequence of unfortunate events: swollen private area, itchiness, bleeding, painful urination. It was all so weird to me, and I was extremely stressed! I just didn't understand, what could possibly be wrong with me this time?

July 2017

Dear Diary,

After two weeks of back and forth visitations to the ER—where they tested me for HIV, AIDS, all different types of STDs and STIs, you name it—they said the results showed that I had a mild infection! But what I felt was nothing near mild. It was painful, and I cried myself to sleep every single night.

Until one day, I went to the ER for one last visit before scheduling at my primary physician that same day. They tested me, took urine and blood samples. I waited impatiently but tried to calm myself, thinking, "Oh, I've been here almost two weeks already. What could possibly be new this time?" And that's when it hit me. I had a doctor come to me saying that I had a "severe infection" that "may or may not be... herpes."

Should I also say he also said, "Oh, and your partner who sleeps with you is not clean," and, "He probably transmitted something to you," and, "Have your primary physician see you today because he will prescribe some meds for you regarding your state in more detail and he would truly confirm if you actually have herpes or not."

A million things go in my head. What am I to do now?

I, of course, was beyond shocked. I was, how do you say it? Ah, flabbergasted! And also blend in a whole other things such as anxiety, anger, and maybe even hunger.

I was so confused. This isn't something I've learned to "deal" with in Health Class at an elementary school. It was something I was to be afraid of and to wish it would never happen to me because, knowing myself, I don't do well with illnesses. I drown with them... my demons, that is.

August 2017

Dear Diary,

I went to my primary physician and soon enough, both of us went to test for STDs, STIs, etc. And soon enough, we both tested positive for herpes.

It was funny, dealing with that truth. That I was put into a category of humanity that I never wanted to be a part of.

I wanted to be alone, isolated, untouched, after knowing this. I just wanted to be completely unloved and abandoned. I knew that, mentally, I was in a state of mind where I stopped accepting anything and anyone. I started feeling bitter and unsympathetic towards everyone and everything. I didn't want to be married anymore. I didn't want to be a mother. I didn't want to be a sister, nor daughter, nor anything to anyone.

I felt so depressed that I thought I didn't want to live anymore.

December 2017

Dear Diary,

I went to do a regular checkup. I had left my husband since August and did not engage in any relationships since. I started feeling better. I didn't have any redness, breaking of skin, bleeding. Nah, none of that. I felt better. Like, really really better! I took a deep breath and rechecked my blood and urine stats.

I had visited a different primary doctor in the same office that I saw my other primary physician. Apparently, he was busy and sent me someone else. I had to see someone immediately after knowing that I received my blood and urine test results.

He comes in, and sees that I'm clear. Not herpes positive. Not positive anything.

I was confused. Again, flabbergasted.

I didn't understand. It just disappeared?

He explained, "You had a herpes attack, but you didn't actually have the disease itself. It just attacked your immunity system at your weakest time hence you just came out of a gallbladder removal surgery during late June."

I was happy, but still confused. And somewhat, pissed? I asked to see the other primary physician for an explanation. I mean, he destroyed my marriage life, like... what is going on?! He came, saw me, and explained that he "misread" the tests. I was furious. Some test was the purpose of destroying my marriage life and my whole vision for my future!