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This week on The Bachelorette, Emily Maynard and her minions are in Croatia. The previews suggest that Ryan Bowers is the punching bag of the week. Also, we should expect lots of kissing and some drama at the rose ceremony. Could it be? Really for real – the most shocking rose ceremony ever?!?

According to Jef Holm, Croatia is the perfect place to fall in love. I beg to differ. I met my (now) husband at Wal-Mart 16 years ago, and he’s been wooing me ever since. Croatia vs. Wal-Mart – really, it’s no contest. The always-classy Wal-Mart wins, right? If Emily insists on making it complicated, we might as well see what Croatia has to offer.

Emily surprises the guys by hand delivering the first date card. It goes to Travis Pope and reads, “Let’s look for love beyond the walls.” Travis was engaged once before. He says, “When it didn’t work out, it was the lowest point in my life.” Lower than befriending an ostrich egg and naming it Shelly? Wow. That must have been really low.

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Emily and Travis explore the streets of Croatia. The conversation flows easily. During their dinner, it dawns on me that Travis could pass as Sean’s slightly less attractive brother. When it comes time to hand out the rose, Emily hands Travis the dreaded “friend card” instead. Emily just doesn’t feel any sparks with Travis. Travis says this sucks, “with a capital S-U-C-K.” He cries. Then he angrily tosses his umbrella onto the sidewalk. He totally just gave that umbrella the “friend card” – they’ve officially broken up.

Poor Travis – he lost his egg, his girl, and his umbrella.

The group date card arrives – “Lasting love requires bravery.” The group date goes to John Wolfner, Doug Clerget, Sean Lowe, Jef Holm, Chris Bukowski, and Arie Luyendyk Jr. This means that Emily’s second one-on-one date will be with Ryan.

Emily and the guys go see Pixar’s ‘Brave.’ After the movie, Emily tells John, Doug, Sean, Jef, Chris, and Arie that they’re going to participate in their own Highland games while wearing kilts. Five of the men ride donkeys into the Highland games. Then, there’s Doug, an ass who rides an ass into the Highland games. Sean dominates the Highland Games, his muscles even broke the massive wood log during the log toss. (Says Emily, that’s hot.) Regardless, Emily gives the “brave” award to Chris.

Emily reassures Sean, making sure he knows “where he stands.” I think we all know where Sean stands. We all saw how he handled that piece of wood. Arie apologizes to Emily for not standing up for her with Kalon McMahon. Then he backs her into a brick wall and gives her a kiss that I’m almost too embarrassed to watch. Almost. (It was hot!) Jef and Emily spend some time wrapped up in an orange blanket. Jef tells Emily he’s, like, freaking crazy about, like, her.

I cannot take Chris seriously. I don’t know what it is but there’s something goofy about him that drives me crazy. Chris tells Emily if he’s going to love her, it’ll be forever. All I hear from the bobble head is, “If me love you, me love you long time.”

All alone at the hotel, Ryan gets his date card, which reads, “Ryan, the world is our oyster.” Ryan uses the camera to remind us he’s a good-looking guy and that he has gifts. As Ryan prepares for his date, the other guys sit around in their hoodies talking about him. Chris lets us know that Ryan plucks his finger hair and shaves his legs. They’re all hoping he doesn’t come back from his date.

Ryan and Emily spend much of their day exploring the Adriatic coast. Ryan says stupid things while Emily licks her teeth deep in thought. Ryan is 100% confident that he’s getting a rose. Ryan shares with Emily a list of things he hopes to find in a woman (beyond trophy wife). The list includes loyal – to HIM, logical – thinks before she reacts to HIS douchiness, encourager – lifting HIM up, faithful – to HIM, nurturer – to HIM, assertive – puts her family, including HIM, before herself, beautiful – she loves to catch HIS eye. Oh, Ryan… Emily looks less than thrilled by his list.

Emily tells Ryan that he’s funny, good looking, and a good kisser. However, his list misses the mark with her, because he doesn’t have family first. Emily does not offer Ryan the rose. Ryan is shocked. Ryan actually tries to passive aggressively bully Emily into giving him the rose anyway. She does not falter. Two points for Emily. Meanwhile, at the hotel, the rest of the guys celebrate when his luggage is taken away. Ryan talks about his worldly gifts to the camera all the way back to the United States.

Later that night, Arie sneaks out to meet Emily. They sit in bed, talk, and kiss. Arie just might be the most hypnotizing Bachelor kisser ever… Arie walks away realizing he’s falling in love with Emily.

Going into cocktail party, Emily is on the fence about John and Doug. John opens up to Emily. It touches her greatly. On the flip side, Doug barely touches Emily at all, emotionally or physically.

Chris is the only dude who already has a rose this week since Emily sent home both of her one-on-one dates. Emily gives Sean, Jef, and Arie roses. The final rose comes down to Doug or John. Emily hesitates and leaves the room with the rose in hand. Emily finds Chris Harrison outside and gives him the last rose. (foreshadowing?)

Emily then returns to the room, without the rose, leading everyone to believe she would be sending home both Doug and John. No worries, fellas. Chris Harrison returns with two roses.