The Final Four

Four teams left in the 2010 FIFA World Cup :: Four fucktards left in the 2010 Salty Droid World Cup.

“All the teams are trying their hardest so it’s too darn bad that not everyone can win” :: says some stupid lady. Shut the fuck up stupid lady! If everyone won :: then it wouldn’t be called winning :: and no one would want to do it! What fun would it be to win if you’d never lost? And as a follow up question :: is it fun to win? I wouldn’t know :: but it must be fucking great {simulated sobbing!}. Alas :: well there’s always next year. Oh wait :: no there isn’t :: next year will be just another year to spend mulling over this year’s humiliating losing.

The four non-losing teams :: the four always losing fucktards :: and four videos … because I know you losers hate reading …

Uruguay …

… only has 3.5 million people :: making it about as populous as Oregon {though with a much lower density of useless unvaccinated hippies}. Uruguay is often called “the taint” of South America because it’s located beween two important parts {Argentina and Brazil :: the genitals and asshole of this analogy} :: everyone knows it’s there but people don’t really like to talk about it. The Uruguayans last won the World Cup in 1930 1950 :: long before the invention of shoes. I think … maybe … don’t quote me.

Speaking of having no idea what you’re talking about … Dr. Phil. He’s not a therapist :: but he plays one on TV. He’s not not-fat :: but he’d love to sell you a book about losing weight. Can’t read diet books written for adults because you recently lost 50 IQ points in a James Ray Death Lodge? No problem :: buy Phil’s son Jay’s teen diet book. Jay’s Dad was once on Oprah … so you know he knows all there is to know about pediatric health.

“Jay talks directly to teens and young adults in a way to which they can relate. Jay gets it and he knows how to give it to them straight. The result is a book that can do what teens all over have been looking for – a way to totally transform their bodies, minds, and lives.”

What Jay “gets” is that credibility can be manufactured :: and that sad people can be exploited by the willing. Just cause Daddy does it … that doesn’t make it okay.

The Netherlands …

… have never won the World Cup in spite of having many super awesome teams over the years. This seems to have led to a widespread outbreak of I’m a Pussy Syndrome {IPS} :: wherein shameless Dutch douche bags roll around on the ground crying out in fake pain whenever a little grass gets on their face or someone blows particularly hard on a Vuvuzela. If they can wipe the tears from their eyes :: and stay on their feet :: this might just be their year.

Tony Quinn is hoping that the Dutch flop their way to failure once again. His puffy Irish head has long since lost its luster :: and he can ill afford anymore PR nightmares …

Spain …

… has also never won the World Cup in spite of having some great teams. I could make jokes about how they better do it soon before they default on their debts and bring the whole fucking world down with them … but I won’t {unless I just did}. Let’s worry about their insolvency and looming demographic disaster later … after THEY WIN this fucking Cup. Go Spain!

If Spain makes the final they will be broadcast in America on ABC. Joe Vitale beat them to the punch appearing on ABC last week. Joe :: rather than playing stylish football :: was making himself look like a fat fucking clown :: it’s what he’s best at. Here’s some incredibly boring “behind the scenes” footage of the ABC shoot posted by Joe before he realized that he’d just been pwned. Watch it now if you like watching incredibly boring stuff …

Last :: and the opposite of least:

Germany …

… I’m rooting for a German victory. That’s not a sentence I see myself uttering nonironically :: EVER! Maybe it has something to do with the TWO times that they :: and their festering cabbage :: started wars that fuck near destroyed the whole Earth. And by “maybe” I mean “definitely” :: that’s definitely why. Fuck you Germany! Robots never forget. Plus :: stop winning the World Cup all the time :: I’m pretty sure it’s racist of you.

However :: NONE of the fucktards competing for The Salty Droid World Cup are more deserving of my attention than Tony Robbins. How can someone be seen as legitimate when they have such a scandalous record of failure and misdeeds? More times than I’d care to count someone has offered me Tony Robbins as “proof” that James Arthur Ray is an okay guy. “But Droid :: if James Ray is a scammer then what does that make Tony Robbins?” Simple Answer :: IT MAKES HIM A FUCKING SCAMMER!!