Rejected Edits: Moar Cats

Hi, I’m Oliver Dixon and I’m back one mo’ gain. It’s looking like I’m going to be doing rejected edits from now on. Meow meow meow meow, fuckin’ deal with it. I used to treat rejected edits like edit class. Read up and learn some shit, this one has some pretty essential lessons. So pay attention and take notes because most of you won’t graduate. Enough dicking around, class is in session put your damn phones away, put ’em on silent. It’s time to fuck this duck.Â

NZ Shred 2012 – Remarkables & Snow Park

Grade: C-

I noticed you guys chose a song from the movie project X and this edit kind of reminded me of it. Except without the tits, partying, and house fire. So what do we have left? Five or so minutes worth of stuff that’s kind of hard to watch. Sorry fellas. Either add tits, party footy, someone’s house on fire and step your riding up or else you’ll find yourselves right back here. Although I’ll give you a bit of credit and say that project X was one of the cheesiest cheese dick movies I’ve seen in a while, and not the good kind of cheese dick like the shred blog. Was that last line switch? Home boy kind of lost his shit over it and it really didn’t seem all too spot on. Put those 3’s onto rails or turn ’em into 7’s and 9’s and we’ll talk, and that’s if you put hands on your board and poke that shit. Get yourself some crab grab and hang onto that shit, mane. P.S. BRING BACK CHEE$E DIXXX

LKTPRK SNOW SHOW 1: THE BEGINNING

Grade: C

Not really sure what that acronym means, I’m assuming it stands for “Lets Kill The Penis Ramp Kids”. Which is upsetting even though I don’t know the penis ramp kids. Is that a real thing? It should be, that shit sounds pretty fun! They probably don’t/wouldn’t deserve to die. Maybe it means “Lets Kram That Pussy Right Now”. Which can be interpreted many different ways, all of which are alarming and sexy in their own way. I like to think they mean Kram as is “a short and intense study session” in which they teach a house cat a bunch of stuff about astrophysics. Science rules. Where was I? Oh yeah. This edit, like most other rejected edits just lacked hammers. You guys looked like you were having fun out there though which is pleasing but it just wasn’t much I hadn’t seen before. Except that Jam-Dick-Cartwheel thingy over the close out. Unfortunately single tricks to don’t for great edits. I also feel the need to address the song choice. You think we haven’t seen “Video Gangs”? You are harshly mistaken sir! Now, I’m not saying with 100% certainty that you pulled it from there but that slo-mo shot near the end? I don’t remember it being in the original version of the song but I do remember that happening just as Lauri Heiskari dropped that obnoxiously huge gap front two. I’ll let the readers be the jury! I believe it was Josh Parker that told me the rule is that you can re-use a song after three years so under that statute you’re in the clear but this one is a classic.. I don’t think you can touch on classics without giving them a shout-out..

Seven Springs // Opening Weekend

Grade: Incomplete

Ah, the infamous “We only filmed for __ hours” disclaimer.. this always goes one of two ways. It is written to express 1. “We filmed all these hammers in a really short time, look at how big our dicks are” or 2. “We know for a fact that this edit could have been better”. I think you know exactly what I’m going to grill you on but for the reader’s sake, I’ll point some stuff out. The obvious one is your flat ground run that takes up about half the edit. Why? It was like you were making a sandwich for someone, realized you didn’t have enough ingredients and just handed aforementioned sandwich recipient a single slice of bread folded in half with a jar of grey poupon in it. It’s not that we don’t appreciate the effort, it’s just that most people aren’t going to be able to finish said sandwich with the excess crap in there. Not that I don’t love grey poupon, I love it, it’s just not to be flexed with in copious amounts. Just like flat ground riding. Unless you’re Scott Stevens. Scott makes awesome grey poupon sandwiches. Hit us back when you know you have all the right ingredients.

five-O “Hypno – Vision”

Grade: B+

This edit was actually pretty cool! I really really like the editing and visual style. I can definitely show love to you guys getting out in the streets and making it happen. It’s just that it is all on super small stuff! Also, I saw a lot of zeaching and other questionably styled tricks. Clean ‘er up and stay creepy! I want to somehow light a fire under your asses to get you homies super motivated. Perhaps I’ll sneak into your guys’ tool shed and spray WD-40 all over your hammers therefore making you more likely to drop them. (Sorry I couldn’t help myself, P.S. BRING BACK CHEE$E DIXXX, more again)

BWS (Big White Shred) Se.3 Ep.1- Talking Smack (Intro)

Grade: F-

Unholy fucker of mothers, this is bad. I assume you were going for a flippin’ bird type thing and just completely missed the point. Air fuckin’ ball. Apple is a god damn legend. The kid is young fresh and fly he’s on that clever shit. Getting’ wet n’ wild up in da club like R.Kelly? You ain’t got shit on that. Understandably most people aren’t as clever as him so it seems as if you went for shock value or something? It was messy and incredibly hard to watch. It was like world war two, an ugly blood orgy, I just wanted to close my eyes and ears and wait for it to be over. Then, just when you think it can’t get any worse, you flew the Enola Gay in over our heads and dropped the N-Bomb on us. You can’t say the n-word in a snowboarding edit fellas. I don’t know what made you think that was okay. I’m really speechless. I’m sure you know this by now but you’re really not good at snowboarding. Hate to put it that harshly but fuck man, war is war. That song was annoying as fuck, you dad cammed with a go pro from like 50 yards away. You realize those things have fisheye lenses right? Or are you fucking scared to get up close? If so go to church. This is season three of this shit? How is this so bad still? I’m not going to bother watching the other seasons. I.. I just can’t. I have a family man.