Facebook is set to offer fully automated profiles by the end of next year. Users who lack the will to update their status in person at odd intervals will be able to pre-select a lifetime’s worth of status updates that will automatically be posted to their profiles. The company has developed the technology after realising that most users’ status updates read like a stream of thought from a person leading a highly uneventful life.

‘If you pick a Facebook profile at random you’ll notice that it is either a load of stupefying banalities or outright lies. This is because most people have really dull lives and/or they are too dreary to say anything interesting anyway,’ a spokesman for the office of Mark Zuckerberg explained. ‘So we thought most people would see no difference between their mates posting the same old crap and a computer doing it on their behalf.’

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‘Look, I’ve done some things I’m not proud of, but who hasn’t’?’ said the malignant neoplasm, fiddling with someone’s DNA. ‘Isn’t it time for us all to move on? Plague doesn’t get such bad press anymore does it, and even Ebola is threatening to evolve.’

Stoke Mandeville hospital has updated its senior management structure to include ‘spineless’ in addition to two existing layers in place since the 1980s: upper management, responsible for anything they were informed about, and lower management, responsible for not informing upper management about anything.

Flushed with pride at a string of positive comments from members of her party after her ‘brain fade’ moment on TV, Natalie Bennett, leader of the Green Party, has now asked her colleagues to come up with yet more ‘creative and exciting’ policies by adopting the technique. Members of the party’s executive will spend next week taking cold remedies and hitting each other with cricket bats to induce ‘brain fade’ ahead of the launch of its election manifesto next month.

Industry experts predict a sharp increase in the number of mobile phone users choosing voice calls over text messages for fear of being branded a horrible racist following Apple’s unveiling of a new line of ethnically diverse emoji.

Friends of 9-year old Toby Brown have reacted angrily to the news that the Subbuteo World Cup they had planned for this summer has been put back to December. The tournament, which is being held at Brown’s house for the first time, has been delayed amid concerns of soaring temperatures in the conservatory where the matches are due to be played.

A Harvard University study has challenged the mythical status of Bob Dylan by questioning the singer-songwriter’s key assertion that there are many situations in life where ‘the answer is blowin in the wind’. This claim had never been formally tested, but thanks to a definitive final year Media Studies project at Harvard, spearheaded by Emeritus Professor Hyaz Akite, the theory may be finally laid to rest.

Tory MP and crystal skull-lover David Tredinnick set out his vision today for the future of the NHS. These reforms will include the pre-emptive treatment of all individuals born under the sign of Cancer with aggressive chemotherapy and Reiki massage. ‘Every child born between the dates June 22nd –July 22nd will be administered potent chemotherapeutic agents from the age of six onwards’, announced Mr Tredinnick. “We also know that these individuals are not only at risk of developing malignant disease, but that they are also prone to contracting pubic crabs, so we will advise these individuals to pair up with Virgos, who almost never develop this condition’.

In a day of frantic bidding, Sky has won exclusive rights to Operation Yewtree raids, wresting control from the BBC. The move has won especial approval from the South Yorkshire Police Commissioner, who stated that his officers ‘were looking forward to working closely with Sky.’

In a separate statement officers from Operation Yewtree praised the BBC for its ‘unstinting professionalism’ and insisted that most Yewtree officers would ‘probably continue to purchase a TV Licence.’

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Greek Finance Minister Yanis Varoufakis fears that an EU bailout extension may not cover the cost of his dream to study Media at university. Although his country’s debt is running at 175% of GDP, a spokesman for Mr Varoufakis said he is also keen to fund three years of film watching, the opportunity to swim in a fountain and to ‘put a traffic cone on local statue’.

Representatives of Europe’s biggest Christian groups had said that they were against a winter World Cup on the grounds that it would overshadow the build up to the annual festival, popular for about the last 2000 years, but FIFA President Sepp Blatter argued ‘Compromises will need to be made. There’s no reason why a religious festival celebrated by millions around the world shouldn’t be moved.’

Police, teachers and the parents of three teenagers from Liverpool who have run away from home fear they may have been radicalised and travelled south to join the Conservative party. The three girls were last seen at Watford Gap services, wearing traditional Tory dress of yellow corduroy trousers, tweed jackets and a blue rosette.

British stars were out in force at the Corrupt Politician Awards, held last night in a luxurious but secret overseas location at the UK taxpayers’ expense. Jack Straw and Malcolm Rifkind showed that British sleaze is still as strong as ever and were delighted to pick up the top prizes of lucrative contracts with companies that may or may not exist.

‘It makes you proud to be British’ said the BBC’s Nick Robinson, from beside the red carpet, where the M.P.s posed for photographs by putting their hands over their faces before going inside to be secretly filmed receiving their cash prizes. ‘Britain has shown it is a world force when it comes to dodgy politicians. It takes you back to the hey-day of British sleaze.’