Where do I belong?

When I started MrsMeaks back in May 2017 I was recovering after our first miscarriage. I had always planned to start blogging to share our fertility story and to give hope for other’s going through similar situations, the miscarriage just felt like a prompt to get started. Due to my second subsequent miscarriage 5 months later my blog became more linked to baby loss than fertility/trying to conceive. My writing was a source for my grief and my loneliness and I found it such a saviour. The baby loss community which trust me, no one chooses to be part of was brave, inspiring and courageous. The women I met both virtually and in person understood how I was feeling and that felt lovely.

As time moved on with my blog and our story unfolded I found my writing became more factual on my present life which at the time and still is all about our son Austin. I guess there was a slight shift to ‘motherhood’ blogger and I loved attending great events with Austin and meeting some lovely women who happened to be mothers too. This is obviously a great part of blogging and really helped with my recovery after both losses. I really started to feel like me again and dare I say happy?

Infertility and Motherhood. Are the two synonymous? Here lies my confusion. The community I try to reach out to, to share my experiences on going through IVF and heartache may find it hard to relate to me. For some our story can offer hope, but for others I am already on the ‘other side’. I find it really difficult to balance the two. I sometimes delay posting pictures I like of Austin to my instagram feed in fear of upsetting or excluding myself from the community I am very much fond of. I remember all too well the heartache of another pregnancy announcement and baby pictures monopolising my social media feeds. Now I was one of them and it made me feel, well a bit shit to be honest. I suddenly felt the need to prove my qualifications as a “fertility blogger’ almost questioning whether my journey was enough to be part of and write about. The reality was I was still trying to conceive but this time for my second baby.

Secondary infertility is a much less spoken about compared to Primary and having been privy to both it does put me in a different place. Both a mother and trying to conceive, is that ok to still be part of the TTC community? I can only write authentically when it is an honest account of my life which ultimately involves writing about motherhood, so can my writing still help those still trying or is that unhelpful to those who are still waiting so patiently. It feels the same when I write about our baby loss I also find myself in unmarked territory and feeling sometimes like an imposter or a fraud? I am lucky enough to already have our son, so can my pain be as real for someone going through the same but childless? Is my grief allowed or even understood? I am not writing this post for sympathy I am merely lost as to where I am in the blogging community. I only ever want my blog to help and offer hope, I always want to support those going through the uncertainty and offer some light at the end of the tunnel if I can. I feel every bit of pain from those who are still struggling, still fighting for their journey.

So I guess this blog post is more a question to myself more than anything but also a disclaimer to all those who follow me to say, I may be a mother, but I haven’t forgotten all the pain and heartache of longing for a child. I may already have a child but my miscarriages still broke me and took me to a place I never want to be again. We are too, still hoping for our rainbow. Maybe I don’t need the “fertility” title anymore? Maybe I am just MrsMeaks “blogger?” Either way I am still a woman trying to conceive, trying to belong somewhere.

I think this is what is commonly called “imposter syndrome” and it’s very much a real thing. You’re not quite sure you belong or deserve to be in a community you are in or a field you are in, but you do. You’re inspirational for TTC women, you’re understanding of that elation of pregnancy and then unrelenting sadness when you lose a baby, only to find joy again when you conceive and everything goes to plan is something that people on both sides of our proverbial table can relate to. You can really be there for women who are going through the journey again because god knows it’s hard as hell when you have children and you have to be ok for their sake but all you want to do is cry. You have a place, you just have to believe it. X