Wednesday, October 28, 2009

So we all know that aside from AB, my one true love in life is my gym (oh, and my as yet hypothetical puppy). I heart LA Fitness. It's probably because I like LA and I also enjoy fitness. When I have to go out of town, I miss my gym more than I miss my friends (sorry friends...but I can text you while I'm gone--as yet, LA Fitness has refused to respond to any of my text messages.) I miss its laugh...I miss its musk. I miss the purple walls, the clean equipment, and especially the spinning classes, to which I have become officially addicted. I do not, however, miss the trainers.

In short, the trainers at my gym (and likely at any gym) are certified twats. Since it has not been confirmed that any of them are fully literate, I'm going to assume that none of them are reading this blog. But on the off chance that one of them somehow stumbles off of a gay porn site and onto my blog, I'm offering the following has helpful insights to increase their productivity.

1. Your giant muscles do not completely negate the fact that you have bad teeth/acne/an IQ that has dipped into negative numbers. Find a dentist. Have you heard of Proactiv? R-E-A-D something!

2. No matter how many times you try to tell me that investing an additional $80/month is a sound financial move, I do not want to hire you as my personal trainer. Please stop asking. I mean, come on. Play hard to get! By constantly approaching me while I am TRYING to work out, you are just making me want to kick you in the face.

3. Guys need fitness advice too. Even though the gender mix at my gym is probably 50/50, I've never seen a trainer approach a male client and offer some extra fitness advice. Go on--show them how to do it. Grasp their waist ever so gently. Wink at them.

4. The holy grail is not hidden down my shirt. Stop looking.

5. It's evident that in fitness trainer college (wait, what? They don't have that?) you learn how to spread your arms very wide and strut. It looks silly. You kind of look constipated.

6. You might want to talk to your plumber...as far as I know, most of us shower in water, not cheap cologne. Maybe just give them a call and ask if yours is malfunctioning!

7. If I have my iPod on, am obviously working hard at whatever exercise I'm doing, and absolutely refusing to make direct eye contact with you, it's not necessary to approach me. I'm doing fine, I promise.

8. You can tell me as many times as you want that the key to getting fit is free weights and that cardio is a waste of my time. Really? REALLY? Join me, won't you, for just one spinning class.