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In BDSM and life an escape from fear rejects me. I do not know if you have ever wondered about it, but my experience tells me that continuous control is terribly exhausting. Sometime I need a calming BDSM session, with a submission rather than domination . On the other hand – in the category of ” humiliation ” I still struggle with myself. Living with my previous man I have revalued the majority of my beliefs about submission and domination. With my last man I understood that this is the flow, that the division of roles does not exist, that despite the natural predisposition sexually I’m not only submissive. At that time the conviction was born in me, that wherever you want freedom, you do not have it . Shortly after we started dating, practically in bed, laughed at some of my contemporary beliefs about dominance and submission. I felt awful then, I became aggressive, started to shout something like: “I am not a toy”.
and he said: “For what I heard , you are not, because toys are fun and easy to use, and handling me requires the skills of a sapper”. And he added that he refuses to fight with me. And even though, I was grabbing my clothes – he got dressed up much quicker and he left, leaving me alone in his apartment. When he came back, I was sitting on the edge of the bed as he left me. I could leave, but I did not want. And I understood that it was always like this – even when I thought otherwise. Following someone just like running from someone / something is always a decision. The choice of what to do at the moment is always on my side. That I let myself into something and then I am limiting myself from something.

BDSM with my last partner let me understand that I can switch between those two roles.

Like this:

BDSM world opened my mind and let me free. When I was very little, I began to mutilate myself – I am not able to identify the exact moment when it started , what was the first stimulus. Probably my nervous system liquefies the boundaries between pain and sexual pleasure. These insights were so real that I knew an orgasm before I understood what it is and it came from the physical damage to my body.

I had to be a strong guard, I also needed to learn quickly how to think like an adult. My childhood was virtually alone in the company of adults. I had no close friends and for a very long time I could not communicate with them – I was speaking a scientific language almost, operating abstractions. Contacts with peers tired and discouraged me.

BDSM is also about boundaries, although bans do not exist for me, if I do not understand the basics. I do not shoot fuss, nor I fall into hysterics – I learned very early that nothing in this way can be attained. As I was getting better at this, my mind was also taken into the thought – I could see that my freedom is very limited, I’m different, and the kids hate the otherness, so they punished me for it . When I was 13 I said to my dad something like : “I know that you limit my freedom so much, because you love me and you’re afraid about my safety, but you are doing wrong.” We changed the system back then – a new system that was absolute sincerity – ” You can do different things, but if something will be wrong, we always need to know about it quickly .”

BDSM – I think was for me a natural consequence. I entered the BDSM world very early and I had to learn quickly that relationship of racial sadist would have been deadly for me – once such a lover drove me into the wall so hard that I broke two ribs, but I told him about it only when we’re done. I allow myself to the full implementation of my sexuality only when I feel so safe, that I can turn off the rational assessment of physical risks.

When after all this time of insulation I finally gained something: that I was free, I began to systematically expand the boundaries, moving often to the point of extreme – experience of the hunger was stronger than what could be described as ” common sense “.The mere crossing of the border was so great for me, that each time it weakened the consequences of my actions, even if they were very uncomfortable. Everything interpreted as a limitation, aroused my reluctance . So for example, I was involved in a very long term sadomaso relationships – in a sense I still am. Monogamy, if some prior assumptions, the condition still raises my reluctance . If there is a choice left in each particular case then I am not against it.I am bisexual and that means , among other things , that the world is not divided for me to feminine and masculine – these spheres to me are penetrating each other, they mix in me. When I want to seduce a woman – I go in a more ” hard ” mode . The denial of anything in advance rejects me. Homophobia rejects me. Any phobia in fact. BDSM let me stay opened to the people and their needs.