I deserve to be alone

I'm so fucking stupid. I'm a constant burden on my boyfriend. I just cause him pain and upset all of the time. Having to cope with me as a girlfriend is like a full time job and I can't see anything that would possibly make it worth it. I'm so fucking useless that I take a boy who hasn't cried for a year and a half, and now he's always crying, because I make him that miserable. I make him feel that guilty and helpless that he fucking cries all the time. Because of me. Not talking a few tears here either.

Honestly, it would be much better if I was alone. Then I could just sit and sulk all I wanted and no one would have to put up with it. I wish I could just lock myself away from the entire world and just be fucking alone. And not have to try and work out where things are going or what I want or how I'm going to keep this guy happy who sacrifices all his time to look after this pathetic, depressed girl who treats him like shit.

I deserve to be alone just for the way I treat people. And I should be alone just so they don't have to suffer my depression too.

Maybe you do need time to be alone to work on yourself and not have to worry about how you affect others. You should be focusing on only you and getting you better Your bf if he is crying and sad may need to step back for awhile until you get you healed focusing on you so your relationship will be stronger when your well.

You know what I discovered years and years ago...
Love will always be painful.
That is just the way it is. It's wonderful and comforting but also irritating and physically painful-- for both parties.
If you're not feeling anything but happiness all the time, you are delusional.

Now... if you're worried about him and he is only upset because you are upset all the time-- I think it's time for you to take a step back and take care of yourself first.
The only way you can make him happy is to become happier yourself, right?

I'm not saying to run away from him... but to help him, by helping yourself... if that makes any sense at all.

I think you should let him go for his sake. Just explain that you need 6 months to get yourself sorted, and that you feel its best. As you've suggested, the relationship is dysfunctional at this point. It doesn't sound like either one of you are getting a great deal of joy from it.