The world of Glass

Who am I?Inside a shell, behind eyes of glass there is someone…It is me…

But who am I and what am I and where am I going?I was, I am and I will become…Everyday something changes in me, due to all the impression and experiences one gets in life.

Long ago I was a girl, a little girl who always dreamt, a girl that lived in a world of her own, where everything was perfect, harmonic and beautiful…

I used to be a little girl who played on her flute. A little girl sitting on a stone in the middle of the river, smiling brightly as her feet curled the surface of the water. A little girl who spent her days playing with the animals on the far, watching the horses wiggle their ears, listening to the song of the birds and the flowing water. Long ago that little girl was me. The girl, who ran over the fields, threw her self in people’s arms and laughed…

Once upon a time that girl was me.

I am a girl who has lived more of life now. Who has seen the reality of how the world can be with its joys and its cruelty. A girl who has turned into a woman and realized that the world is filled with all kinds of emotions, all from sorrow to joy, love to hatred. And this woman has realized the world is not perfect and that the only one who can decide what her life should be like is her. I have realized that not all dreams can come true, but some can if you fight for their right to be. But even in this world I shut down inside my own little world sometimes and watch the real world outside my own, through eyes of glass. Hiding myself, guarding myself… Why?

This once fragile, loving and naïve girl learned that life can bring pain. She experienced love and loss; she fell in love brutally and deeply. And she did it again. She gained the scars of hurting someone, and being hurt. She gained the knowledge of that it was not her fault if someone wished to betray her with someone else by flesh or heart.

Deep valuable lessons of life, and she learned to read the signs, but then again like everyone else she turned blind over and over, with the knowledge of things being wrong. Sometimes she learned that people just don’t wish to see. And that she was one of those who were able to turn blind. “Never again” She would say, but well aware it could happen again.

Trust became an issue and like the last time she fell in love she rebuilt it only to have it thorn down just as easily as before. She felt that love was a lost chapter, that she was once again all alone in this world. But she had lights this time to, friends. Support and eventually as her life stabilized again, she could see hope.

Like of the past she will blossom again, slowly ad safely. Life is weird that way. You fall down, bleed and rise up, shining again as if you have been granted a new life.

I am a woman now, a woman who still can view the world through eyes of glass. But also a woman who dares to open up to this world. A woman who will give everything to truly live and feel. The world inside of her is not for the world outside. How special would it be, if she shared it with everyone else?

I am a woman, but who am I? Does on truly ever really know? No.. You can know what kind of feelings, thoughts, options and actions you are made of. You can know the foundation of who you are, but never the whole picture. As you are eternally changing. Second by second, day by day.

You know who you have been, who you are right now but never who you will be around the next corner.

I still get very often surprised by myself. If I hadn’t life would be rather dull. I am a woman who lives for one thing in life.. Love.. Love is beyond everything else. Except from the few things I cannot be without. My family and my will and freedom.

A wise man once said: “Be true to your heart and follow it”Those words brings tears to my eyes because I know the man who said it. The loss of him from my life left deep scars that will always mark the importance of him to me.

He learned me so much and above all he learned me to look beyond the errors of narrow minds and evil words. He thought me to be who I was and be proud of it, without fearing to show it regardless of what I did. As long as I knew it was right.

People might have watched me walk down a street in my black cloths, dark make up and think that there was a slut walking down there, a emo kid, a unfortunate soul. Because they could not see beyond how I dressed. The ide of me dressing like that simply because it made me feel good, just like others would wear pink tops, flashing boobs and small skirts.. The only difference was the colour and style. But even that the world isn’t capable of grasping. He thought me the values of being me.

That love, will, freedom, friendship, family and honesty is the important things in life.

How do people view me:

Some people looks at me as if I am a fragile little kid, some sees me as a unbreakable ice queen, some as if I am a saint like person when I am not.

Some has seen me for who I am. Not a little child or a cold ice queen even though some has every reason to call me so. It is just a shell. A shell I carry not just in my reactions but ways of being when I feel unsecure or wounded. It has been there long and might be there longer. But inside this shell I am not just cold or little, fragile or hard. Inside the shell flames burn deeply and water flows freely. Inside there are things that easily can remind you of that little girl, only because I am fragile like everyone else is, call it a weakness but being fragile also means being alive. In every weakness there is strength. I do not hurt people unless I feel hurt my self. I do hurt people when I feel I need to. It does not mean that I enjoy the times in life where I have sought to harm someone for various of reasons. Most often I draw back, avoid the problems that does not justify the effort of being in it. But if I have no other option and someone hurts most usually in these cases someone I care for. I will not lie and say that I do not enjoy their downfall. As I protect those I love, and I will tolerate a lot of pain brought on my self but not on others.

I am a human despite all my wishes of not being so. I am not proud of mankind. I am not proud of some of the accomplishments in this world. And I am most definitely not proud of the view people have on how they have to be like to be liked and loved. But not all people are like this, not all people considers what to wear, what to say, who to talk to or not talk to, to be liked and to be loved. A false piece of confirmation of that you are someone. Some… Has realised that. And those people, real, afraid but still not to afraid to show who they are. Are the kind of people I love.

Long ago a friend of mine told me that he didn’t need anyone in his life, he said that he could manage fine on his own. When you truly are all alone in the world, the one thing you desire the most is to not be alone. Friends can be a weakness but without them you resolve to nothing. Humans are social beings and cannot survive on their own. The need to talk, to be around people is to severe. So take care of your friends for even the feeling of being alone is painful enough then the fact that you are all alone.

I may not have a million friends anymore, but to be honest the times I have said goodbye to friends or they have said good bye to me. It has been for a reason or just time, making us drift apart.I value the friends I have. I care about them and they care about me. So if you have the entire school or the entire work place worshipping you, but don’t have friends who will stick by you through thick and thin… Then look around and try to find out who as truly is to be considered friends.

I am here…

I made this page to give of myself, to let people get a glimpse of who I truly am. I made this page to give and take, to learn and be taught, to meet new people and old familiar people, to have a place I can have for myself and to get out my impulse writings and thoughts. Also my creativity.

There is a beginning and an end, and it is what’s in-between that matters. You alone decide what’s in-between . Fill the time and days with what you want to fill it with, not with what others want you to fill it with. I am nothing for you if you don’t know me. Or want me to be someone to you.

I am what you make me be, everyone affects other lives. What am I to you?

While time travels forth everyone is changing slowly or a lot, depending on the circumstances around them. You and how you live them. The important thing is to not loose the view of it all.