(I am the after-hours emergency line representative for a property management company. We essentially handle things that are association responsibility and will cost the association money, not the homeowner.)

Homeowner: “I think someone is breaking into my house!”

Me: “Did you call the police?”

Homeowner: “No, why would I do that?”

Me: “Because we don’t offer security service. We only dispatch people out for things like plumbing emergencies, or broken sprinklers.”

Homeowner: “What do I do?”

Me: “Call 911.”

Homeowner: “Can you do it for me?”

Me: “Ma’am, 911 tracks the location of the caller. If you feel threatened, you need to call 911 right now.”

Homeowner: “God-d***-it, what the h*** do I pay monthly dues for?” *hangs up*