This is My place where I can pass along my views, tips or anything else that I think you might like to know about things.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

An admission of being a phony....

NOW before everyone goes nuts, I am NOT blaming morningstar in any way shape or form GOT IT !!!!

I have to be honest with the BDSM world and myself, I have been a phony Sir/Master for the past 10 years after reading morningstar's past few blogs...

When reading the blogs I have noticed that I was unable to obtain the level of pain, marks and other things that herS&S Masters are achieving with her and that is wonderful for her!

But it makes me think that I was a phony big time by calling/acting like a Sir/Master that I couldn't even do the most simplest of BDSM functions, like ice playing with her, like marking her, like making her take the breast beatings that she is now accepting from them never from me and many more things I am sure of.

So to the BDSM world that I knew and loved and to morningstar, I am so very sorry that I called myself a Sir/Master or even thought I could be a Sir/Master.

I don't want or look for any forgiveness, because I don't deserve any for my past actions of being a BDSM phony.

The only honorable thing to do is to leave once all the paperwork is done and hopefully that will be finished by the end of next month since I only meet with the Notary ( Lawyer ) on the 15th.

It is the responsibility of the Sir/Master to see that the submissive is watched over, give her everything He can and for lack of words everything she requires to make her a good submissive something I clearly didn't do, thus I failed in my responsibilities and should never had called myself a Sir/Master or in other words A BIG PHONY!!

If you believe you didn't try your best or that you weren't being genuine and sincere, then an apology is in order. If this is just a matter of "shit happens" (as Buffalo stated), then I don't see why you feel the need to call yourself a phony.

Different people have different needs. Sometimes those needs don't mesh. It's ok that you two grew into having different needs. There's nothing wrong with that. It causes a relationship to end. That sort of thing happens all the time. But you still had some wonderful years together where both of you felt fulfilled. Maybe you should focus on retaining all the wonderful memories. Also, maybe you should stop reading her posts for awhile and just focus on you.

And the Sir/Master thing is really JUST a label. You are Warren. For some people that is good enough... for others it isn't. Same goes for me. For some the Anna that I am is good enough... for others it isn't. And that's ok.

Why do you torment yourself by reading morningstar’s blogs? Take a deep breath and start over. I had a Dom who tried to control and please me. He didn’t. I just chalked it up to different personalities and wanted to just be friends and move on. This did not suit him so he began sending unpleasant emails, belittling me and showing up at any event I attended even though I was the one who had introduced him to the community. He continued to contact the people he knew I was closest to making them feel uncomfortable.

As a result of all of this I have chosen to take my BDSM adventures elsewhere. Ergo my interest in the Montreal events. This in turn has allowed me to meet lots of wonderful new people who have made me feel welcome and comfortable with no fear of being judged.

What I couldn’t seem to get across to this Dom just as you do not seem to comprehend; no one person can be ALL for another. One person can play with my breasts and yet if anyone else touches them I become enraged. Several things that were hard lines four years ago are no longer so. Because I am a switch does not mean that the people I play with interest me sexually. There are males I enjoy tormenting, but have no interest to bed them. There are males who torment me pleasurably, but do not interest me sexually. That is the charm of BDSM. One can always find someone to fulfill that unfulfilled fantasy.

I do not know whether or not you are a phony. I do not know you well enough. Just because you cannot do everything or are not interested in every BDSM play does not make you a phony. A phony is someone who lies about their knowledge and aptitudes and their past experiences. A phony is someone who claims they have nothing left to learn. Hmmm guess that is a bull shitter as well, smile.

I believe you have already indicated that you are sorry for your actions or lack of. I do not understand why a lawyer would need to enter into this equation. Self pity does not become you. You have been enough of a gentleman to allow morningstar to get on with her life by not attending the same events. Now it is time for you to stop reading her blogs and get on with your life and find some new interests.

@ encorechance, you said, " I do not know you well enough " heck we have never met before, so I don't know how you can say anything about my past/present situation with morningstar!

You don't need to know why I require a lawyer, but if you need to know it is for paperwork I need to complete before I move on.

You say you moved to Montreal for events to get away from your former Dom, well I have tried that except for morningstar has attended events in Ottawa where I introduced her to Ottawa folks, so Montreal is out, Ottawa is out so where do I go Toronto?? Oh, I also have introduced her to USA people too.

Was your Dom your boyfriend too in vanilla life? if he wasn't then you can't tell me what I am going through.

I don't wish to argue with you or anyone anymore I am too tired, I just thought I would point out a couple of things you said.

@anna, I left you several days ago mail on FL but you never responded.

@r, your words ring true up to a point since you too have never met me ( that I know of with just a letter for your nick )

you say "I am so very sorry that I called myself a Sir/Master". I think this misses the point: these aren't titles you simply gave yourself, these are the titles that Morningstar called you, that you earned by your years of experience, by caring and doing your best to be what she needed at the time. The fact that you and she are moving on, experiencing new things with other people changes nothing of what you were to her in the past. Denial of your role as Sir and Master during that time does no justice to the memory of what you two had.

I have only met you once or twice, but to me your titles were earned, and I will continue to think of you as Sir.

Please, don't sink into negativity and self doubt. Instead, show us how a true Master can recover and move on. Be an example to those of us that don't have the experience that you do.

You and morningstar had a dysfunctional co-dependent relationship and it ended. Morningstar has moved on and is moving forward with her life. You are still grieving. That is not a judgement. People grieve as they need to for as long as they need to, but too they can do things to help their situation.

I have only suggestions and don't flatter myself to be so wise thay you might accept anything I offer here but for what it's worth:

You did what you thought was best for you and her in your relationship. It turned out not to work. That is sad. It doesn't make you a worthless person. Only you can decide to be worthwhile or worthless. It is a choice and no one can make it for you. If you decide your past was worthless, how sad, but you can chosse to follow a more fulfilling path into the future.

Quit reading mrningstar's Blog and comparing your life to her's. The fact that she has moved on, and you've not yet, is a result of two different individual's response to loss. This continual comparison of your life to hers is a strategy to deny that you need to move on, not a way forward.

You are suffering from a great loss. I understand that. You can choose though, to take some actions to help you get through this and to make your life happier in the future.

All the best,

Tom

Go confidently in the directiion of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.

Maybe if I had the same support that morningstar got from others ( they know who ) at the beginning of breakup of losing her BOTH as her Sir AND her boyfriend I might be at the same level she is at now.

I know the Heron Clan will show her a good time when she visits next month. Pity she wouldn't travel long distances like she is now to visit you it might have been enjoyable that we all visit each other, maybe things would have been different comparing and talking over our two " families ".