If you recall, a while back Kevin Smith announced that he had started writing CLERKS III, which was to be his last film before retirement. Some of us were enraged by this. Others were merely infuriated. Not because we were sad to see him go, mind you, but because it was a cruel thing to subject us to on his way out. Kind of like how Hitler had all of his dogs shot as the Soviets were closing in. Now look, am I arguing that Kevin Smith is Hitler? God no. In this metaphor, Smith is Riefenstahl. Duh.

But my main point is that Clerks III was to be his swan song (or “goose fart,” if you will) and then he’d finally leave us all alone. But then he went rogue and decided to drag this whole thing out by announcing that the script for CLERKS III would instead be a fan-sourced weekly e-book. Okay, fine. Whatever. But then he changed his mind AGAIN and Clerks III was back to being a proper film. Oh, and then this lunatic announced that, in his spare time, he would be in fact be making another movie about a deranged walrus-man who helps Judi Dench find her son (I think). And he even went through with it!

But now, after all this time, he’s finally going to make Clerks III and then go away forever. Right? RIGHT?

On the most recent episode of SModcast, I talked about my new mantra in regards to filmmaking: from now until I drop dead, I’m only ever gonna make a flick that only I would/could ever make. JERSEY GIRL, ZACK & MIRI, COP OUT – while I love them all, these are movies anybody could make.

I have to agree that only Kevin Smith would have made Chasing Amy, a film that taught us that lesbians are just straight girls who haven’t yet been slut-shamed by a love-struck man-child named Holden. HOLDEN!

I let my view askew get standardized for awhile there – so much so that I was happy to walk away from it all for three years and do other shit. But after conceiving and shooting TUSK in less than 6 months (with the help of a shit ton of amazing professionals and a budget smaller than that of RED STATE), I realized that film isn’t in my blood… MY films are in my blood.

Also in your blood: a slurried melange of diabetes and gravy.

And some of ‘em are still in there, so I better get ‘em out! And now that I’ve spent the last three years clothing/feeding/housing me and my family without a dime of movie money

NEVER FEAR, CHILDREN, FOR I’VE BUILT US THIS JORT YURT! AND WE SHALL DINE ON THESE HAMS I FOUND ‘NEATH MY GUNT FLAP!

I know that I don’t NEED film to pay my bills anymore.

Oh, so you’re wealthy enough to never have to make another movie. Congrats on finally coming to terms with that. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go hide my jet ski from Sallie Mae collection agents.

So I can make a movie when I feel like it, and if I’ve got nothing to say in a screenplay, I can just f*ck off for awhile and do other sh*t until I do have a movie in me. Like I think I do right now…The idea is to, once again, take an episode of SModcast and turn it into a movie…Granted, this time the plot of the movie concerns mankind teaming up with Hell to save existence from extinction at the hands of a Rapturing giant Jesus – which means the budget has to be LOW, because NOBODY’S gonna wanna make that movie. At all.

And I know this going in, so I won’t be heartbroken if it never goes beyond the script. But… if the script is funny enough? Who knows? So I’m off to write HELENA HANDBAG. I’m gonna end this by urging you all to do something similar to what I’m doing: put a whimsy on wheels today.

…the f*ck you just say to me? You sound like Bob Ross on acid right now.

No pressure and it doesn’t have to result in anything: it is, after all, just a whimsy.

No, seriously, are you having a stroke?

Tend to it in your spare time but really give it care and nurture that f*cker – just in case it actually turns into something. And it can turn into something, no matter who you are or how much money you have: I burned my film career to the ground, went and did other sh*t for three years (mostly for free), started from scratch again from a salted earth -

Taking time off to make indie horror flicks and produce reality television isn’t exactly a vow of poverty, YOU GLUTTONOUS WHIMSY BARON!

Today, you can waste lots of time posting your thoughts about what other people are doing/saying in life

Done and DONE.

or you can use that time more wisely, to create something from nothing that’s all yours. One path is easier, but the other path is way more fun…

Well there you have it. It looks like Smith isn’t retiring after all. And do you know what? I think I can summon the courage to deal with this. It’s a new year, and it’s a new me. After all, he banged out his last movie in a scant 6 months. So with this next one, he’s probably just going to sit down at his desk, crack his knuckles and write the script of a lifeti-OH FOR F*CK’S SAKE.

So I spent 24 hours feverishly writing another script…I got about 20 pages in when I realized there was no way to write this inexpensively as a feature film. Everything was requiring too many effects that I could never achieve using in-camera tricks like forced perspective. It was starting to feel like a pricier project than I know I’d ever be able to find money to make. And then I remembered this is a SModcast Picture. What do we do on SModcast sometimes? We sing. We make up stupid songs. And my favorite piece of art ever produced by human hands is the glorious BOOK OF MORMON. So… I started reshaping the HELENA HANDBAG script as a piece of SMusical theater, with BOOK OF MORMON as my spirit animal. And holy sh*t… does THIS feel right! And it’ll be fun (and way easier) to stage in a theater!

“I simply cannot walk away from film making, for my films are the lifeblood that courses through my-HEY WHAT ABOUT COMMUNITY THEATRE INSTEAD HASHTAG YOLO.” What happened to nurturing the f*ck out of your whimsy? This just sounds like you got lazy after ONE DAY and decided to copy something successful. By this time tomorrow, HELENA HANDBAG will have further devolved into Jason Mewes making sock puppets battle-rap on the subway for spare change.

Which…would be kind of awesome, actually? Hey, maybe 2014 will be my year after all!

I honestly hope Kevin Smith never stops making crap because all of Chareth’s write-ups have been golden.
Plus,any sentence that contains the phrase “jort yurt” should be framed in the Smithsonian, or at least scrawled into the wall of its glory hole stall.

I think his podcast network actually earns him some decent money since they do a lot of those shows live and charge quite a lot for tickets. Plus I he got a payout of Clerks II money that had never been paid. I’m not sure how much that is though.

Kevin Smith is not the retiring type. From now until the day that serum cholesterol murders him, he’s always going to find something interesting that he wants to do. Could be a play, another talking tour, a movie, a comic book, etc. The reason you’re going to keep hearing from him is because he’s got just enough money to let him do these things.