Tag: Conspiracy

I hadn’t planned to post tonight. In fact, I should be balancing my checkbook right now. But you know how a parent will tell a child, “I’ll give you something to cry about!”? Well, someone has given me something to write about.

I had spent a quiet evening on county dispatch. I was left in peace, and was even able to forget about The Conspiracy for awhile. Third shift came in, and I chatted with various tolerable co-workers and friends I only see at work. I clocked out, observing, as always, a moment of silence for the 2 people the automated timekeeping system allowed the City to lay off. (And our timekeeping has been accurate and trouble-free since then, right? RIGHT?) I went to my locker to put away (or put up, as people in this part of the world say instead) my headset and the fuzzy vest I wear to protect myself from the ravages of my viciously air-conditioned workplace. I opened my locker door. And was attacked by baby corn.

You might not fully comprehend the enormity of that occurrence, so let me put it to you this way–I WAS ATTACKED BY BABY CORN!(Better?) And not just a single tiny ear–an army of baby corn, 3 squadrons, to be exact, in full metal jackets. They jumped on me when I opened the locker door. One, in its kamikaze haste, landed on my foot. What if I’d been wearing sandals? It could have broken my toe, and left me unable to walk to work.

I will have to confer with Foxy about this, although I hesitate to do so, as I know she’ll be horrified. And I may as well reveal the nature of Nick’s secret mission now. He is learning certain…skills, let us say. Techniques which will prove invaluable when he returns and the interrogations begin. I think we can narrow down our suspicions pretty quickly. Whoever smuggled these Trojan-horse tin cans in had access to the building. This leaves out officers and deputies, such as the King of the Hill (who I think is related to the Burger King and the Pizza King.) (Officers and deputies like to think we have to let them in, but they’re wrong.) And the infiltrating ears were not lurking in my locker when I started my shift, so I suspect third shift. And men cannot enter the women’s locker room, so that narrows it down a bit. And I have a Certain Person in mind, but let’s just keep everyone in suspense, shall we? For now, just know that I survived the assassination attempt, and no one will be moving up in seniority anytime soon. This meeting is now adjourned.

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First of all, apropos of my previous post, just remember that I was hired before the @ss-covering era of psychological testing, so you can draw your own conclusions. And I won’t allow you to draw your own conclusions very often, so enjoy it while you can.

Second of all, while we’re on the subject of The Conspiracy, I withheld a bit of information from you yesterday. It was excusable to withhold it from most of you, since it was a lot of data to absorb anyway, and I wanted to keep things simple. It was not, however, the sort of thing one should withhold from one’s Director of Security, so Nick, listen up. I KNOW WHO TAPED THE BABY CORN TO RABECCA’S DOOR HANDLE. He is nominally employed by the Sheriff’s Department, in the detective office. I will not mention his name, except to say that he could be referred to as the King of the Hill. Beware of him! He is the only person who has ever beaten my time taking the IDACS certification test. He has an infinitely devious mind. He is a follower of chaos out of control. AND HE UNDERSTANDS WHERE I GOT THAT LAST REFERENCE! It will require all your skills and vigilance to deal with him.

You should also know that, as I walked to work today, I saw white curly ribbon tied around the fire hydrant near Dispatch. This can only mean that we have been targeted for arson! Extra patrol is called for.

In non-Conspiracy-related news (or is it? Can one ever be sure?), someone’s voice mail that I called back said, “Foxy Lady is unavailable to take your call.” I missed my chance to say, “Foxy–or should I say Ms. Lady?–your cell phone dialed 911, so lock your foxy keypad, kthxbye!”

And, a guy told me, “I want to talk to an officer, since I’m not getting anywhere with you.” This was because I told him the police couldn’t arrest a guy just because our caller overheard him threatening someone on the phone, and our caller proudly said, “Yes, they can! I was arrested for that once!” Nick summed up the run with, “He wasn’t impressed with you.” Yeah, I get that a lot.

FanBase, have I told you lately that I love you?

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You may be wondering why I called you all here today. Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking, I must ask you all to sit down and shut up, so I don’t have to raise my voice. Nick won’t let anyone leave until I’m done talking, so cease your unseemly eyeing of the exits.

You recall my talk of The Conspiracy yesterday. I devoted much thought today as to who might be behind it. The answer is so obvious I can’t believe I hadn’t thought of it sooner. In this connection, I invite to the podium RaBecca Jo. Her importance to our enterprise cannot be overestimated. It was she who first alerted me to the danger, although its full extent has only recently been suspected. She has prepared a series of drawings to illustrate my presentation. We hope this will make the threat clear to you, although much as yet remains unknown. And you all know Nick here. You might think that such a beast is best kept on a chain or in a cage, but he is implacably opposed to the Conspiracy and all its manifestations, as a threat to the rule of law and good order. I am honored that he has agreed to join me at last. He is fully trained to take any necessary action, and I suspect he never sleeps.

RaBecca, the first illustration, please? {A picture of a dancing union suit is placed on the overhead projector.} This union suit was originally seen in a Rural King ad (and still is seen every fall–watch for it!). You will note that its pose makes it appear to be dancing. RaBecca saw this ad by the side of the road once, being blown by the wind, making it actually dance! She immediately recognized its malevolent powers. Which brings us to our second illustration–{a picture of baby corn, with curly hair and wearing sunglasses}. Most of you have seen baby corn. Admit it–do you not find it creepy? RaBecca once found it TAPED TO THE DOOR HANDLE ON HER CAR! Obviously, esoteric powers are at work here. And obviously, they are up to no good. Remember my account of the mischief wrought last night? Remember I said that drivers were too stupid to treat a stuck traffic light as a four-way stop? Well, what else did I say was stupid, in that very paragraph? That’s right, zombies! The Baby Corn and the Union Suit were attempting to create zombie traffic jams! And now I’ve received word that power is out in German Township! The Baby Corn/Union Suit coalition–Lords of Misrule, they might be called–are still sabotaging our infrastructure. They will attack our extrastructure next. Their goal is world domination.

Did I just hear someone say, “I thought your goal was world domination!”? Nick, take that person outside and–well, I won’t tell you how to do your job. The rest of you, consider The Conspiracy and what you can do to stop it. As I said, much remains unknown. RaBecca and I are uncertain of the exact relationship between the Baby Corn and the Union Suit. It is known that the Baby Corn is active in the spring and summer, and the Union Suit takes over in the fall and winter. Are they allies, or rivals? We must attempt to find out more, or we’ll all be dancing to the Union Suit’s tune. I’m not sure what tune that is, but I suspect “Funky Town.” You can dance if you want to? If the Lords of Misrule have their way, we’ll be dancing whether we want to or not!

I think Nick is finished now, so you all may now leave. No, I’m not taking questions.

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I am currently a 911 dispatcher in the Midwest. I have opinions, which I hope to present in a (usually) humorous manner. I feel somewhat intimidated by the pressure to appear charming and interesting on this page. And I hate scratchy glitter.