Smiling not crying…

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I’ve spent weeks, if not months falling apart, slowly at first until I reached a crashing crescendo.

I went months thinking I was happy, barely crying, plodding along with life. Then everything got crazy, all at once it all became unbearable.

Its like one minute you’re juggling and the balls are paper and the next they’re boulders. You don’t know when it changed, because mere seconds ago that ball was paper and you handled it with ease and then suddenly it’s a boulder and you’ve lost your grip and now the others are going to fall and they’re going to destroy everything else and crush you.

I’m trying to work out what I want, what I need. I’m not sure I’ll ever know, but one thing is for certain. I’m tired of being alone, I’m tired of being used. I want, no, I NEED someone to help me. I need someone that can help ease that burden, someone that will put me first once in a while. I need someone that cares about me and sees through my shit and my lies when I’m struggling and saying I’m fine. Someone that can tell me to stop and take care of myself before it all falls.

I’ll never have that, I know I won’t. I’m not lucky, I’m not blessed. I have myself and that’s all, and to be honest I would leave me too if I could.

So now everything’s gone to shit and the rest of the year will be more of me losing control. I need to rebuild now, but I have to fall further yet.

I have an overwhelming urge to tear everything down, beyond the foundations and rebuild. But this time I would take meticulous care of each brick, because those bricks represent such important parts of my life, not just my life, but myself. Those bricks represent my family, my friendships, they represent my physical health and my mental health. They represent my head, my heart and my soul. They represent my nature, my morals, and my values.

I need to rebuild and find those things that are important, I need to cherish them.
I need to not let them get over taken by all the junk that I’ve accumulated in my life, all that crap I should’ve thrown away.

I need to keep my foundation strong and my focus on my core, the things that are important. I need to learn to let go of things, I need to learn whats worth fighting for and what isn’t.
I need to learn when to support and encourage others, and when to tell them they’re wrong, but I need to stop fighting others battles for them.

I need to tear it down and start again. Then maybe I’ll be worthy of someone’s support and if not maybe I’ll be strong enough on my own?

Sure I still suffer anxiety at times, still get those days where I feel ill or down. But on the whole I seemed better. But I think it’s all been an act.

Now I feel like I’m on a whirlwind downward spiral and I’m falling so fast I can’t find anything to take hold off.

The things that usually stop me aren’t in sight, they aren’t there or they’re not working.

I’m arguing with my Dad, I’m snapping at everyone, I’m struggling to find motivation to do things, I’m fucking up things when I do. I feel like I’m stretche unbareably thin and in order to get everything done I have to cut corners and reduce quality.

I don’t know how this happened, I don’t know how to stop, but I can’t find joy in anything, I just want to scream at everyone, WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT!!

I want to lash out, I want to completely derail, I want to lose myself completely, I want people to finally see what I’ve been trying to deal with and see how it’s impacted me.

I want them to see that I’ve seemed fine because I was fighting so hard to keep it together, to continue on, that it was my sheer will and determination that kept me going, not that life was peachy. I want them to see all the crap I’ve been putting up with, the stuff that had them falling apart within moments, the stuff they burdened me with, all of them, even though I had all my stuff going on and still I kept going. I want them to see that I can only be strong and level for so long, until it just combusts and burns everything.

I want someone to be there for me, like I am for so many. I want them to say hey let’s talk for hours until you feel like maybe the load lifted a little.

I want to unleash, I want people to feel the force of what they put unto me, I want them to suffer the way they should. I want to break other people the way they’ve broken me.

I don’t want to be a wreck, I want to be strong.
I don’t want to cry and break down, I want to be collected.
I don’t want to be angry, I want to be happy.

I had started this year off with mostly positivity, sure I’ve had low days but for the most part they never lasted more than a day. Probably the best start I’d had to a year in the past decade, maybe … Continue reading →

I think I self destruct my life. I know that I let things get on top of me, from the little things to the big things. I take on too much and do too much, even when I’m exhausted, or … Continue reading →

People always tell me that I’m too negative and I should think more positively, I’ve never known in my life for “thinking positive” to vastly change to outcome of anything that was out of my control.

I have a friend who thinks positive about everything, about things that are completely out of the grasp of control and still she will think positive, but she never explains how her pattern of thought will help? What magical power she’s tapped into that makes her so sure that her advice works despite the many times life has actually proved the opposite.

I have another friend who suffers from depression and has attempted suicide many times. She was always a great believer in Karma; what goes around comes around… This is another one of those things that is just a saying and has only ever shown that quite often the opposite is true. People rarely get what they deserve, good people are harmed and go through great difficulties, a baby can die within moments of taking it’s first breath, and yet murderers and vile people can walk the world healthy and unpunished and yet people will believe that eventually Karma will get them?

She’s recently started to talk about only thinking positive, no more negativity, thinking positive will cure all her problems, thinking positive will change her life.

I don’t know where people get this idea that positive thinking is the cure for anything and everything, I must’ve missed the newsflash.

Now it’s only my opinion and I may not be 100% correct but my belief is that positive thinking can be as damaging as negative thinking.

There are people in the world who have never felt more than a little sad, they’ve never felt depression, they’ve never felt suicidal and they’ve never tried to kill themselves. These people are probably the best candidates for positive thinking, they have the right mindset for it.
But I would think the opposite person would be the worst for it, because people seem to think in order to think positive you can’t have caution or concern, that you must believe 100% that everything will be ok, that’s unhealthy. that’s harmful to someone who suffers from a mental illness.

If I thought positive about everything, about all the things I wanted and hoped would happen, my health improving, my sister reconnecting with me, finding and keeping my perfect job, travelling, never losing the people I love.
If I felt positive that all of those things would happen, if I felt even 100% positive that one of the things would happen, and then it didn’t, I’d be crushed. Some in differing amounts, but ultimately I would come crashing back down to my low place and have to build myself up again.

I cannot promote the idea of positive thinking when people won’t admit that positive thinking isn’t the answer to everything, when they won’t allow for doubt, it’s not healthy and it’s not realistic.

I know myself well enough to know I have to protect my wellbeing, to protect my mental health, I acheive this by never allowing myself to get carried away with an idea, I’m sparing myself from disappointment, from failure, from rejection.

The world isn’t a place where things are as simple as our thoughts and approach to life. If it was, we’d all be happy, there’d be no bad and it’d be heaven on Earth.

I think we should promote people to think realistically, to try their best, to have hope, but also to anticipate and prepare that things don’t always go our way. I’ve seen people fall apart because something bad happened, something that could’ve been handled if they hadn’t thought they were immune to anything bad happening.

If I’m going for a job interview I prepare, I present the best of myself, I try my best, and I hope for the best, but I also reverse my dreams, because if I get carried away and it doesn’t work out; I’m gonna feel like a failure amongst other things and then the next interview that feeling will creep in every so slightly and before long, I have no self esteem and I feel worthless and I’d turn up at the job interview and not be able to answer a single question without thinking ‘you don’t want me, I’m nothing’

Holding back, not completely, just a little, holding a little something back means that when something doesn’t go your way, you can stop for a minute, dust yourself off and carry on, because you always knew this was a possibility, because that’s life, it’s 50/50 or 70/30, who knows, there’s always a proportion out of your control and no amount of positive thinking will change that.

That’s the gist of my thoughts on thoughts, Positive, Negative and Realistic.

I’ve found some other things in order to try to explain that my opinion maybe valid, but in the end it’s about what works for you, realistic works for me, it keeps me healthy it keeps me sane, and if positive is good for you that’s great, but don’t tell me I’m wrong because it doesn’t work for me, I know what’s bad for me and I know what’s good, trust me, I’ve made it to 29 after 18 years of depression and anxiety and I keep fighting because when I fall I pick myself back up, alone.

In a 2000 article University of Michigan psychologist Christopher Peterson, a founder of the positive psychology movement, distinguished realistic optimism, which hopes for the best while remaining attuned to potential threats, from unrealistic optimism, which ignores such threats.

A 2007 study by University of Virginia psychologist Shigehiro Oishi, University of Illinois psychologist Ed Diener and Michigan State University psychologist Richard Lucas reinforces Peterson’s concerns. Using analyses from several large international samples, they found that although extremely happy people are the most successful in close interpersonal relationships and volunteer work, moderately happy people are more successful than extremely happy people financially and educationally and are also more politically active. Admittedly, Oishi and his colleagues measured happiness rather than optimism per se, although the two tend to be fairly closely associated. Still, their findings raise the possibility that although a realistically positive attitude toward the world often helps us to achieve certain life goals, a Pollyannaish attitude may have its costs—perhaps because it fosters complacency.

Positive thinking surely comes with advantages: it may encourage us to take needed risks and expand our horizons. But it has downsides as well and may not be for everyone, especially those for whom worrying and kvetching come naturally as coping mechanisms. Moreover, positive thinking may be counterproductive if it leads us to blithely ignore life’s dangers. Finally, as journalist Barbara Ehrenreich warns in a 2009 book, the pervasive assumption that positive attitudes permit us to “think our way out of” illnesses such as cancer has an unappreciated dark side: it may lead people who fail to recover from these illnesses to blame themselves for not being more chipper.

In a 1990 book Seligman warned that optimism “may sometimes keep us from seeing reality with the necessary clarity.”

Pop psychology may urge you to replace negative thought habits with positive ones. But that just exchanges one distortion for another. What you need is to change distorted thinking, be it positive or negative, into accurate thinking.

As the researchers report in Psychological Science, those with high self-esteem who repeated “I’m a lovable person” scored an average of 31 on their mood assessment compared with an average of 25 by those who did not repeat the phrase. Among participants with low self-esteem, those making the statement scored a dismal average of 10 while those that did not repeat the phrase managed a brighter average of 17. Dr Wood suggests that positive self-statements cause negative moods in people with low self-esteem because they conflict with those people’s views of themselves.

Ehrenreich notes 60% of female breast cancer patients attributed their continued survival to a “positive attitude,” yet studies repeatedly show no correlation between developing or surviving cancer and mental attitude. No, you can’t smile away a tumor, says Ehrenreich, who survived both breast cancer and the optimistic pink ribbony milieu that’s now spilling over into prostate cancer. (One researcher writes the disease is “an opportunity” and a way to “evolve to a much higher level of humanity,” rather than a ticket to incontinence, impotence and death.)

Since when are irrationality and self-delusion ever useful–aside from when you’re a condemned murderer and it’s 10 minutes till midnight? Mankind didn’t make it this far through the power of positive thinking, but rather through what Ehrenreich labels “defensive pessimism.”

Life for most of us isn’t sugar-coated and believing otherwise leaves us ill-prepared. Not surprisingly there’s research showing that pessimists are better able psychologically to handle bad events, while one study found that women who perceive more benefits from their cancer “tend to face a poorer quality of life.” Whaddya know? A malignancy isn’t like winning the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes!

The Serenity Prayer’s invocation to have “courage to change the things I can” and “to accept the things I cannot” is a much better guide than anything Dale Carnegie ever wrote or that your life coach has to offer. Just remember that while life can be beautiful, pretending it is doesn’t make it so.

I don’t know how I can hate being here so much and want to be gone and yet want to live and experience everything wonderful. It’s like there are two sides to me and I’m being ripped part.

I just need to get away from myself, in the problem, Times like this I really wish I’d never been born. I wish I had someone to turn to help me through this. Instead I’m sat in an empty room thinking of awful things to do to myself, but if I don’t move I can’t do anything stupid, so I just have to not move.

A ‘friend’ of mine wrote about depression, about how sufferers need support, understanding, to not be abandoned or given up on. I know that the irony of her words would be lost on her. That she has, only yesterday and many times before, abandoned someone who is suffering from depression and needed support. The same someone who no matter what, stopped what they were doing and pulled themselves together, to support her, who never left her abandoned, always tried to understand, and would never give up on her, even when they had given up on themselves!

In the time I’ve known her, I’ve never not once been by her side when she needed. The times she cried for help, however loud or silent, I was physically by her side. The times her depression almost won, I helped pick her back up, I wouldn’t leave her alone or give up on her. The times something was wrong and even she didn’t know what or why, when she just needed a friend to help her understand or to listen. Never once have I ignored a call or message. Yet I have spent months alone, begging the universe to send me someone who will understand and support me, to just have someone say, “Hey friend, don’t worry, I’m here”.

The last time I cried out for help, I was feeling suicidal, I wanted to end it, I sent out a message begging for support, just someone to talk me through it until the thoughts passed, thankfully they always pass. I had no response. A week later I saw this friend, the friend who wrote about depression, who I’ve always supported, She said to me “sorry I didn’t reply to your message, but I’m not going to pander to that sort of thing anymore” she mentioned something about defeating depression by ignoring it. Less than a week later I received a message begging me to help her… for a split second I thought about ignoring her, not pandering to her, but I was always half way out the door to help her.

I wondered to myself, would she remember what she said, “I’m not going to pander to that”, if one day I asked for help and she while she ignored it, I succeeded with ending it all? Would she think that she had done the right thing not “pandering” to my cry for help. Would she recognise that she had abandoned me, had forgotten to understand and support and had left me feeling like everyone had given up on me? Of course she wouldn’t.

I’ll just continue fighting it on my own, pretending that I’m fine, maybe one day someone will see the pain behind my smile.

“Self-absorption in all its forms kills empathy, let alone compassion. When we focus on ourselves, our world contracts as our problems and preoccupations loom large. But when we focus on others, our world expands. Our own problems drift to the periphery of the mind and so seem smaller, and we increase our capacity for connection – or compassionate action.” ― Daniel Goleman, Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships

“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.” ― David Foster Wallace

“It is not seen as insane when a fighter, under an attack that will inevitable lead to his death, chooses to take his own life first. In fact, this act has been encouraged for centuries, and is accepted even now as an honorable reason to do the deed. How is it any different when you are under attack by your own mind?” ― Emilie Autumn, The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls

“Killing oneself is, anyway, a misnomer. We don’t kill ourselves. We are simply defeated by the long, hard struggle to stay alive. When somebody dies after a long illness, people are apt to say, with a note of approval, “He fought so hard.” And they are inclined to think, about a suicide, that no fight was involved, that somebody simply gave up. This is quite wrong.” ― Sally Brampton

“And I want to tell you about everything but I can’t because I couldn’t stand for you to have that look on your face all the time. I just need you to look at me and think that I’m normal. I just really need that from you.” ― Nina LaCour, Hold Still

“When people kill themselves, they think they’re ending the pain, but all they’re doing is passing it on to those they leave behind.” ― Jeannette Walls

But to a person suffering clinical depression/bipolar could that not seem like a terminal illness?

Does that mean that all the years they spent fighting to stay, all the times they sought help are now forgotten because they’re now defined forever by that one action of succeeding in taking their life?