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WESTWOOD, CA—In a deft and ruthless display of the utmost cunning, local woman Anne Kaminski added the phrase ‘No gifts, please’ to the bottom of her birthday party invitation, sources confirmed Friday.

LONGYEARBYEN, NORWAY—Hoping to ensure the survival of the popular women’s cut in the event of a global catastrophe, officials announced Thursday the addition of the inverted bob to the Supercuts Arctic Vault, a secure state-of-the-art facility that preserves the world’s hairstyles for future generations.

WASHINGTON—Saying that the huge breach of trust clearly violated journalistic ethics, White House aides confirmed Thursday that Chief Strategist Steve Bannon was not on the record when he issued the deafening, atonal howl that caused a reporter’s head to explode.

BIRMINGHAM, UK—Annoyed upon realizing that the housing office based its entire decision on a single thing they had in common, Pakistani human rights activist Malala Yousafzai told reporters Thursday that she was obviously paired with her Oxford roommate solely because they are both Nobel Laureates.

BOSTON–Snuggling up together in the peaceful serenity of the Massachusetts General Hospital radiology room, sources confirmed Thursday that New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski was surprised by his girlfriend with an afternoon of relaxing couple’s CAT scans.

BOSTON—Flying in the face of generally accepted beliefs about such outbursts, a new study released by the Boston College Department of Psychology found that expressing anger in unhealthy ways is actually incredibly satisfying.

GRAND BLANC, MI—In updates that reportedly were becoming both increasingly frequent and less interesting with every new addition, local woman Kate Morris was now just typing her 4-year-old child’s every word verbatim throughout the day as Facebook posts, sources said Thursday.

CHICAGO—Saying that he alone could determine the legitimacy the woman’s claim, area man Luke Haggerty will be the judge of whether coworker Delia Carroll is actually a true baseball fan, sources confirmed Wednesday.

GLENDALE, AZ—Saying he was not ready to hang up his cleats just yet, Arizona Cardinals wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald told reporters Wednesday that he’s confident he still has a couple lousy seasons that undercut his entire career left in him.

COLUMBUS, OH—Saying he didn’t even have a moment to consider his decision, local man Stephen Ashbury acknowledged to reporters Wednesday that he acted on pure instinct when he stood and watched a robbery occur.

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

As Your Friend, I Promise You Can Tell Me Anything That Makes Me Feel Superior To You

Hey, man, I just wanted to let you know that if you ever need someone to talk to about your problems, I’m here. We’re friends, and that’s what friends do. I’m serious: If there’s anything in your life that’s troubling you—really, anything at all that would lower you in my eyes and make me believe I am a better, more capable person than you are—you should absolutely let me know.

As a friend, I’m ready to listen to any insecurities or doubts you may be harboring that could be used to fuel my belief that I, as a human being, am superior to you.

Don’t be afraid to lay your worries on me just because you think they’re too embarrassing or pathetic to share. That’s the stuff I want to hear most! Is something stressing you out at your job? Listen, if you’re overwhelmed at work, or having second thoughts about your whole career, there’s no point bottling it up. That’s something you have to let me know as soon as possible so I can compare myself to you favorably.

By the way, how’s your relationship with Julie going? Last month you told me the two of you were fighting about whether to move in together. Well, I really appreciated you sharing that. It made me very, very happy to learn I’ve had a lot more success with women than you ever have. If there are any other details you want to get off your chest—like if your relationship is on the rocks or maybe you’re struggling to perform in bed—don’t hesitate to let me know.

After all, what are friends for if not to listen to your troubles, mentally catalog all of them, and later use that list of shortcomings to buoy their own sense of self-worth?

Please, don’t hold anything back because you think it would burden me. It won’t. The truth is, I genuinely enjoy giving advice to peers whom I perceive to be my inferiors. Offering guidance to someone who’s having difficulties—and thereby convincing myself I’m better able to solve their problems than they themselves are—is, believe it or not, something I take tremendous pleasure in.

Maybe you’re running low on cash, or losing touch with your parents, or feeling more tired than you used to. Even little things like that can add up to make your life seem far less fulfilling than mine, and you should always, always confide them to me. Trust me: You want to get that stuff out in the open where it can further justify my conviction that you are less resilient, less emotionally stable, and, in general, a worse person than I am.

Remember, I’ll always be there for you when you’re at your lowest—especially when you’re at your lowest, in fact.

Of course, it goes without saying that anything you want to vent about stays with me. Believe me, I’m fine with keeping your problems secret and just privately ruminating on them now and then to remind myself I’m far more accomplished than you.

I also promise never to judge you out loud. So don’t be shy, man, just let it all out. Tell me about your anxiety attacks, your fears that you drink too much, and how it takes you at least an hour to get to sleep every night. I’ll look you right in the eye and nod understandingly as I inwardly congratulate myself for not experiencing any of those problems.

Then, when you’re done, I’ll tell you everything will be okay, and I’ll give you a hug as an intense sensation of relief and pride courses through my entire body.

More from this section

BOSTON–Snuggling up together in the peaceful serenity of the Massachusetts General Hospital radiology room, sources confirmed Thursday that New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski was surprised by his girlfriend with an afternoon of relaxing couple’s CAT scans.

BOSTON—Flying in the face of generally accepted beliefs about such outbursts, a new study released by the Boston College Department of Psychology found that expressing anger in unhealthy ways is actually incredibly satisfying.

Trending Now

WESTWOOD, CA—In a deft and ruthless display of the utmost cunning, local woman Anne Kaminski added the phrase ‘No gifts, please’ to the bottom of her birthday party invitation, sources confirmed Friday.

BIRMINGHAM, UK—Annoyed upon realizing that the housing office based its entire decision on a single thing they had in common, Pakistani human rights activist Malala Yousafzai told reporters Thursday that she was obviously paired with her Oxford roommate solely because they are both Nobel Laureates.