As Good as Live Aid (85)

Sunday, September 2

NORTE: Dispatch, this desk. Fact: I have never eaten a Filet o Fish. Fact: I think Crystal Bernard is a triple threat. Fact: I have inhaled. Fact: I don’t scratch my bag, I roll the skin. Fact: I believe that KISS stands for kids in Satan’s service. Fact: I don’t like Led Zeppelin but love bands that sound like them. Fact: I will go down in history as the person who invented the step haircut. Fact: I hate the ottawa hockey team. (Perhaps hate isn’t a strong enough word. I mother fucking despise those GDCS-ers so much that I won’t even say the name of that team. My loathing for them borders on sacrosanct: That’s from the Spanish sacrosancto. (That’s sacrosancto perra, sacrosancto.))

They are a herpe on the worlds cock. If they had a flag I would wipe my bum with it. My loathing of them is so complete and whole that it has allowed me to forgive almost everything and everybody in my life. My ex-girlfriends and bosses. My father, my self, my God. There is something comforting in hating something so intensely and so passionately.

The Ottawa hockey team is the anti-love. With a heart so cold and black that it makes everything around it shine in contrast to its putrescence.

If the Ottawa hockey team were a toy I wouldn’t let my 2 year old son play with them cos they are a choking hazard.

If the NHL were the ocean then the Leafs are a beautiful golden sunset spread across it horizon. Shining its warmth and excellence…the Ottawa hockey team would be a ripped bag of medical waste or a bag of drowned kittens bobbing along in the flotsam and jetsam. The Ottawa hockey team would be a corpse of some sort. Bloated and horrible, crushed and broken, full of empty promises, chumming the water.

So in conclusion if hockey is the world and the NHL its oceans, and the Toronto Maple Leafs a golden magnificent sunset. Then the Ottawa hockey team is the thing that is killing the Great Barrier Reef.