This is David Icke. He is a conspiracy theorist par excellence. David believes that some thousands of years ago, an alien civilization of humanoid reptiles came to our planet and colonized it, interbreeding with humans, yet craftily preserving a special lizardy bloodline that continues to this day. These ‘Reptilians’ have worked their way into positions of power and so rule our world, luckily being able to ‘shape-shift’ to human form at will in order to keep the hideous truth from the rest of us unsuspecting monkey-folk.

When they’re in private they supposedly revert to their scaly forms (undoubtedly with an exclamation of ‘Thank Mangar-kunjer-kunja! I couldn’t have stood another minute in that sweaty hairy jumpsuit!’) in which they presumably relax on a warm rock with a nice chilled glass of raw egg and a big bowl of crunchy flies.

I want you to pause and reflect for a moment. What I’ve just outlined is not some scenario for a B-Grade science fiction film* – this is a matter of actual fact as far as David Icke is concerned. And he has a labyrinthine website that is testament to his efforts to prove it. Be sure to put aside a couple of hours if you intend to visit it though, because it demonstrates about as much structural logic and coherence as David’s belief system.

One of the things you can find, if you have the tenacity, is a list of people who are really lizards. This includes: George Bush (plausible, I guess), Dick Cheney (obviously), Al Gore (look at the profile), Gordon Gecko (haha, just kiddin’) and the Queen of England and all her sons (that explains the blue blood). There is also a generous sprinkling of US politicians (of all political inclinations, lest you think Mr Icke is being partisan).

When people have suggested in David’s earshot that he might be, well, crazy, he is on record as saying ‘People would have said the same thing of Jesus’. Which of course instantly confirms his status as a loony since, as we know, comparing oneself to Jesus or Napoleon is Indicator #1 on the Bedlam Admittance Guide.

So, how, according to David Icke, are we to have any hope of ever determining who are the Lizard Overlords among us? ‘Just pray for God to reveal it to you,’ he says.

IIRC David was a sports commentator (footy ie soccer in the UK) who famously announced his theory to the world whilst appearing on the Terry Wogan show. Terry is a talk show host, kinda crapper Michael Parkinson.

Pil and I always rather hoped that he’d done it during a game – ” and Gary Lineker scores a cracker of a goal for Tottenham using his tail – as always”. But sadly it wasn’t to be.

being from reptiles, it would explain excema some suffer from. i wish i had a cool iguana tail like my childhood pet foose. he would whip me with it, and leave a big red welt. that would be awesome to do at work, and then be like “woops, accident, sorry!”

George Bush is more simian than reptilian. Cheney I figure is some Jabba the Hut type space alien. As for the rest, he could well be right. Lord knows they’re slimy enough to live under rocks.

Does he have Ann Coulter on that list? Because she is definitely something. Although I picture her as more of a giant preying mantis.

Hmmm. His list’s a little out of date. But he does have Gale Norton on there, and she’s from Colorado, so hey, the Denver airport theory does add up! Next time I fly out of there, I’m watching for secret tunnels by the train tracks.

This is the most plausible explanation for the entire Bush Admistration I’ve yet read.

I mean, sure, it’s a bit cuckoo, but why take chances? We should probably round ’em all up and ship ’em to a camp somewhere as long as there’s any lingering doubt. Like Dik hisself says, you can’t be too careful.

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