(a customer walks in the door.)Customer: Good Morning.Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Brexit Emporium!Customer: Ah thank you my good man.Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?C: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through ‘Rogue Herrys’ by Horace Walpole, and I suddenly came over all British.O: British, sir?C: Perfidious.O: Eh?C: ‘Ee I were all ‘angry-like!O: Ah, angry!C: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, ‘a little fermented Brexit will do the trick’, so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some Brexity comestibles!O: Come again?C: I Want To Leave The EU.O: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the Bulgarian tambura player!C: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!O: Sorry?C: ‘Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tune, ‘yer forced to!O: So he can go on playing, can he?C: Most certainly! At least until 2019. Now then, some Brexit please, my good man.O:(lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?C: Well, eh, how about a little 350 Million a Week.O: I’m, a-fraid we’re fresh out of 350 Million, sir.C: Oh, never mind, how are you on Negotiating Free Trade Agreements with the rest of the world?O: I’m afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday.C: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of British Empire 2.0, if you please.O: Ah! It’s beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.C: ‘T’s Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Have you some Impact Assessments?O: Sorry, sir?C: Financial Viability, Strategic Studies, that sort of thing?O: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.C: Ah. Agricultural assessments?O: Sorry.C: Regional assessments? Disadvantaged Areas?O: No.C: Any Supply Chain impacts, per chance?O: No.C: Military? Aerospace?O: No.C: Academic cooperation?O: No.C: Banking Sector? Insurance? Capital Markets?O: No.C: Fishing?O: No.C: Medicines and Biotech?O:(pause) No.C: Automotive?O: No.C: Extractive and Mining?O: No.C: Telecommunications, IT Sector, Information Security, Machine Learning, Media, Parcel and Bulk Transportation, Microelectronics, Nano-engineering, Quantum Computing?O: No.C: Horticultural, perhaps?O: Ah! We have Horticultural, yessir.C:(suprised) You do! Excellent.O: Yessir. It’s ah… it’s a bit runny.C: Oh, I like it runny.O: Well,.. It’s very runny, actually, sir.C: No matter. Fetch hither la Brexite de la Belle Bruxelles! Mmmwah!O: I…think it’s a bit runnier than you’ll like it, sir.C: I don’t care how fucking runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.O: Oooooooooohhh……..! (pause)C: What now?O: The cat’s eaten it.C:(pause) Has he?O: She, sir.(pause)C: Open Skies Agreements?O: No.C: Access to High Skills Labour Pools?O: No.C: Gibraltar?O: No.C: Scottish Independence Referendums?O: No.C: European Cities of Culture?O: No sir.C: You… do have some Brexit, don’t you?O:(brightly) Of course, sir. It’s a Brexit shop, sir. We’ve got-C: No no… don’t tell me. I’m keen to guess.O: Fair enough.C: Uuuuuh, Enhanced Border Controls.O: Yes?C: Ah, well, I’ll have some of that!O: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister David Enhanced Border Controls Davis, that’s my name.(pause)C: Security Co-operation?O: Uh, not as such.C: Uuh, Extradition Agreements?O: NoC: Environmental Standards?O: NoC: Pharmaceutical Testing?O: NoC: Children’s Soothers?O: NoC: Gastric Flushes?O: NoC: Anal Fissures?O: NoC: Transylvanian Botulism Brexits?O: Not -today-, sir, no.(pause)C: Aah, how about Customs Agreements?O: Well, we don’t get much call for it around here, sir.C: Not much ca–It’s the single most popular Brexit in the world!O: Not ’round here, sir.C:(slight pause) and what IS the most popular Brexit ’round hyah?O: ‘Illchester, sir.C: IS it.O: Oh, yes, it’s staggeringly popular in this district, squire.C: Is it.O: It’s our number one best seller, sir!C: I see. Uuh… ‘Illchester, eh?O: Right, sir.C: All right. Okay. ‘Have you got any?’ He asked, expecting the answer ‘no’.O: I’ll have a look, sir.. nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.C: It’s not much of a Brexit shop, is it?O: Finest in the district sir!C:(annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.O: Well, it’s so clean, sir!C: It’s certainly uncontaminated by Brexits.O:(brightly) You haven’t asked me about the Irish Border, sir.C: Would it be worth it?O: Could be.C: Have you –SHUT THAT BLOODY TAMBURA OFF!O: Told you sir…C:(slowly) Have you got any Irish Border Agreements?O: No.C: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place……. Tell me:O: Yessir?C:(deliberately) Have you in fact got any Brexit here at all?O: Yes,sir. Brexit means Brexit.C: Really?(pause)O: No. Not really, sir.C: You haven’t.O: Nosir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.C: Well I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to sack you.O: Right-0, sir.(The customer takes out a ballot and votes out the shopkeeper)C: What a senseless waste of human life.