tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-51597766310344153732017-07-23T02:36:54.289-07:00Edgar Allan Poe Community CollegeEdgar Allan Poe Community Collegehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17998437341303769185noreply@blogger.comBlogger15125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5159776631034415373.post-5538662775854912992017-06-21T09:26:00.000-07:002017-06-21T09:26:17.319-07:00Scientists Create Artificial Personalities for Those Who Have None.&nbsp; &nbsp;Here's what I'm being told:<br /><br />&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;By 2021, at the latest, scientists expect an Artificial Personality product to be available for individuals who have been professionally diagnosed as wallflowers or bores.<br /><br />&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;The device, available by prescription only, will sell for roughly $2,700. It will come in about 15 personalities, from coy and shy to ruthless and bold.<br /><br />&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;Once injected, an individual will assume his or her new personality for approximately 4 hours, though a timed-release version lasting up to 36 hours (think Cialis), is already in development.<br /><br />&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;Thus, for the first time in human history, dullards will be able to enjoy vivacious personalities unlike their own--with applications for romance, career advancement and, alas, politics.<br /><br />posted by Doc Paranormal<br />Adjunct Professor of Esoteric Science<br />Edgar Allan Poe Community College<br /><div><br /></div>Edgar Allan Poe Community Collegehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17998437341303769185noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5159776631034415373.post-37194882957348004512017-06-14T20:51:00.002-07:002017-06-14T20:51:44.884-07:00Report: Restaurant Hires Uri Geller to Chill Patrons' Forks. &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;Famed mentalist Uri Geller may have fallen on hard times, if what sources tell me is true.<br /><br />&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;According to unconfirmed reports, Geller, famous for his spoon-bending exploits during the 70s and 80s, is going to be hired by a Moscow steak house to chill diners' forks with the power of his mind.<br /><br />&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;As a Kremlin-watcher told me, "The chilled fork craze has hit Moscow with a vengeance. Looking to get a leg up on the competition, the exclusive steak house will hire Uri Geller to freeze forks table-side while chatting with a customer base composed of mobsters, oligarchs and corrupt politicians.<br /><br />&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;"If successful, the program will grow to include the freezing of cutlery."<br /><br />&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;reported by:<br />&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;Dan Lee Hope, Jr.<br />&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;Conspiracy Theories Curriculum<br />&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;Edgar Allan Poe Community CollegeEdgar Allan Poe Community Collegehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17998437341303769185noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5159776631034415373.post-57439626962871331442017-05-24T13:44:00.001-07:002017-05-24T13:44:06.599-07:00Charity Séance Collects Dollars from the Dead.<div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; A marathon, 24-hour séance has collected $1,763 to repair cracked crystal balls for indigent soothsayers, according to Heatherleen Glade, teaching assistant, Past Life Therapy at Edgar Allan Poe Community College.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Heatherleen said the event took place in a Las Vegas hotel room about 75 miles from the EAPCC campus.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; “It was a once-in-a-lifetime experience,” Heatherleen told this reporter.&nbsp;“Fifteen of us held hands in a circle for 24 hours, surrounded by candles and the lively sounds of a Lindsay Stirling CD playing over and over again. The ever repeating music, while tedious in the extreme, did draw the attention of the leaping violinist’s many deceased fans.”<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Continued Heatherleen, “The money arrived in various ways. Typically a spirit would reveal where they had concealed cash when they were alive. Hundreds of dollars were found stashed inside VHS players, taped beneath cookie jars and at the bottom of urns filled with the ashes of loved ones.”<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Heatherleen said the lengthy séance tested the mettle of everyone involved. “We knew that if we broke the circle, many of the spirits would lose interest and go away. So we held hands continuously for all 24 hours, even during comfort breaks, when all fifteen of us would shuffle into the bathroom, turning our heads as each went to the toilet.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; “And holding hands throughout the séance created awkward moments at mealtime. Since we couldn’t grasp the food, it was shoved into our mouths by assistants who had cut it into bite-sized pieces. Drinking-wise, beverage containers were held beneath our chins and we sucked up the refreshing liquids through straws. All-in-all, the food was pretty good.”<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; And how would Heatherleen feel about participating in another such lengthy séance? <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; “At about the 12-hour mark my mind was screaming ‘never again!’ But know that I’ve had time to recover, I’m game to perform more charity work. Good deeds aren’t always easy!”<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">--reported by Doc Paranormal<o:p></o:p></span></div><br /><div style="line-height: 24.0pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;"><br /></div>Edgar Allan Poe Community Collegehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17998437341303769185noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5159776631034415373.post-8017854566612952722016-10-03T10:15:00.000-07:002016-10-03T10:15:14.602-07:00Proof Men Suffer From Labor Pains, Too.<div class="MsoNormal">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; I’m a regular guy and mill worker with strong links to my extended family.&nbsp; Case in point:&nbsp; one day last year I awoke at <st1:time hour="1" minute="0" w:st="on">1 a.m.</st1:time> with a very uncomfortable feeling in my stomach, cramps and a feeling of nausea.&nbsp; Nevertheless, I went to work. But I felt terrible all morning.</div><div class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</div><div class="MsoNormal">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;Then I was in for another shock.&nbsp; At approximately <st1:time hour="12" minute="0" w:st="on">noon</st1:time>, I heard the clear voice of my mother who had passed away five years earlier.&nbsp; She stated the name of my niece, who was pregnant and due to give birth at any time.&nbsp; Because of that, I got on my cell phone to check out if my niece was in labor.&nbsp; There was no answer.&nbsp; And then the pain I was feeling got even worse.&nbsp; I was almost incapacitated. </div><div class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</div><div class="MsoNormal">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;I decided to phone my sister who lives close to my niece, but before I could punch in her number, the pain that had been tormenting me stopped as abruptly as it had started.&nbsp; Somehow, deep inside, I knew that the end of my misery meant that my niece had given birth.&nbsp; When I told my co-workers, they just looked at me with disbelief—which isn’t really surprising since I’m six-feet, two inches, with Elvis-style sideburns, and weigh more than 240 pounds. To show I was right, I called my sister again—and sure enough, my niece had had her baby.&nbsp; She’d been in labor since about one in the morning, the time my own internal cramps had begun.&nbsp; And she had given birth at the exact time my pain had ceased.&nbsp; </div><div class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</div><div class="MsoNormal">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;I now have a tremendous appreciation for what women go through.&nbsp; I once had a three-inch gash across my forehead due to a work-related accident, but this labor pain stuff was even worse.</div><div class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</div><div class="MsoNormal">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;Unfortunately, my labor pains have started again on a daily basis.&nbsp; All week long, sometimes in the morning, sometimes at night, I break out in a cold sweat and feel like screaming in pain.</div><div class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</div><div class="MsoNormal">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;Now I’m worried that my new empathy is making me experience the labor pains of local moms-to-be—<i>every one of them</i>!</div><div class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</div><div class="MsoNormal">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;At least, those ladies eventually wind up with a beautiful child in their arms.&nbsp; But, when my sympathetic labor pains ease, I have nothing to show for it.&nbsp; What am I supposed to do—“man up” and take it?</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;<i>Name withheld on request.</i></div><span style="font-family: &quot;times new roman&quot; , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">&nbsp;&nbsp;</span>Edgar Allan Poe Community Collegehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17998437341303769185noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5159776631034415373.post-9471044501393941722016-10-02T09:34:00.002-07:002016-10-02T09:34:35.643-07:00Crop Circles Turn Up On Hairy Guy's Back<br /><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; I’m a man with an excess body hair problem that has made me the object of ridicule since puberty. At the age of thirteen, when most of my buddies sported a whisker or two, I grew a full hipster beard to hide my acne. I became successful with girls, I guess, as sort of a whiskery novelty item.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</div><div class="MsoNormal">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;But things went haywire over the next few years. By sixteen, I had thick tufts of wiry black hair on the top of my shoulders and so much “fur” on my torso and legs that the gym coach made me wear a full-body wet suit during swim class. He said he was worried my loose hairs would clog the filter, but I think he did it just to humiliate me.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</div><div class="MsoNormal">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;I became an introvert. After graduating from high school, I took a job as a night janitor in an empty office tower so no one could see me. I threw in the towel and gave up on shaving. One Christmas I dyed my beard white and played Santa Claus at a shopping mall. I wound up being so popular with the kids that I quit my janitor gig. Now, I’m already booked solid for the next two holiday seasons. Amazingly, I earn enough as Santa Claus every winter to take the summer months off—when I allow my beard to go back to black.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</div><div class="MsoNormal">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;This is where my problems with crop circles began. My confidence renewed, I started going out more, even venturing to the beaches of <st1:place w:st="on">Lake Michigan</st1:place>near where I live. I’m sure I must have been a ridiculous sight to some eyes, what with thick body hair everywhere, but secretly knowing I was the region’s #1 Santa Claus helped their wisecracks roll off my back.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</div><div class="MsoNormal">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;Then one afternoon, while on my favorite remote part of the beach, I woke up from a pleasant slumber to notice something strange on my back. Parts of it were completely bare. Large clumps of hair were in the sand surrounding my towel. I ran to my car two hundred yards away. Looking in the rear view mirror, I got the surprise of my life: an intricate pattern had been shaved on my back hair.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</div><div class="MsoNormal">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;I thought I had been the victim of pranksters until three months later when I saw an online photo of a crop circle that had appeared in a farmer’s wheat field. Shockingly, it was the exact same pattern that had been fashioned in my body hair earlier that summer. I immediately emailed the website, but they didn’t want to do a story on me because my hair had grown back. I lacked visual proof.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</div><div class="MsoNormal">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;That was a crushing disappointment. However, I will swear to this day that the same entities that created the crop circle in the farmer’s wheat field cut the pattern on my back.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</div><div class="MsoNormal">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;I feel honored that I was chosen as the first human “canvas” for their&nbsp;</div><div class="MsoNormal">mysterious art.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;<i>I thank Edgar Allan Poe Community College for offering me this forum. However, due to the sicko current trend of shaming hairy men, I choose to remain anonymous.</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></div><br /><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div>Edgar Allan Poe Community Collegehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17998437341303769185noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5159776631034415373.post-87171868749923198852016-09-29T07:49:00.000-07:002016-09-29T07:49:01.449-07:00 Why Zach Galifianakis Should be Dead Already.<div style="line-height: 200%;"><i>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;&nbsp;</i><o:p></o:p></div><div style="line-height: 200%;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; While it’s a pain in&nbsp;my arthritic&nbsp;fingers to write about&nbsp;actors&nbsp;with long last names, I’ll make&nbsp;an exception in the case of Zach Galifianakis–you know, the bearded guy in <em>The Hangoversssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.</em><o:p></o:p></div><div style="line-height: 200%;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;Because Zach G. should be dead already.<o:p></o:p></div><div style="line-height: 200%;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;A survey of&nbsp;contemporary obese film comedians shows why.<o:p></o:p></div><div style="line-height: 200%;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;John Belushi, the template for today’s fat funnymen, had&nbsp;a brief&nbsp;film career (as a named character),&nbsp;from&nbsp;<em>Animal House</em> in 1978 to <em>Neighbors</em>&nbsp;in 1981.&nbsp;That’s three years. He died after injecting a combination cocaine and heroin.<o:p></o:p></div><div style="line-height: 200%;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;Fellow overweight&nbsp;SNL alumni Chris Farley&nbsp;first appeared on the silver screen in <em>Coneheads</em> (1993). He last made audiences howl hysterically&nbsp;in <em>Almost Heroes</em> (1998). Five years. He passed on after a night of snorting drugs with a hooker.<o:p></o:p></div><div style="line-height: 200%;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;Canadian heavyweight John Candy outlasted them both, from a role in Steven Spielberg’s <em>1941</em> (1979) to Michael Moore’s <em>Canadian Bacon</em> in 1995. An amazing 16 years of celluloid chuckles. A heart attack brought him down.<o:p></o:p></div><div style="line-height: 200%;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;Which brings us to the talented Zach G. While few paid attention, Zach was in 3 movies in 2001, including the infamous <em>Corky Romano</em>. Audiences fell in love with the bearded laugh-producer in&nbsp;2009′s <em>The Hangover</em>,&nbsp;a torrid&nbsp;affair that will continue, I'm sure, through this year’s <i>Masterminds</i>. That’s 15 years.<o:p></o:p></div><div style="line-height: 200%;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;Let’s crunch the numbers: Belushi&nbsp;3 years, Farley 5, Candy 16. Average 8.<o:p></o:p></div><div style="line-height: 200%;">Zach G.: 15 &nbsp;and counting. Which means he has already outlasted his three predecessors by seven years. Is Zach G. living on borrowed time? Audiences and this pundit hope not.<o:p></o:p></div><div style="line-height: 200%;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;However, as one wag from the Other Side warned me, “Ever since Belushi, overweight comics have felt pressured to please&nbsp;demanding fans by indulging their every whim, from binge-eating &nbsp;to copious drinking, illicit drug use and wild sex romps. More than ever, audiences want fat stars to live large and exhibit a devil-may-care attitude towards their health and well-being.<o:p></o:p></div><br /><div style="line-height: 200%;">&nbsp; &nbsp; “They&nbsp;need their flabby funny guys to enjoy being slobs. &nbsp;Zach G. has a long track record of hilarious performances. But unless Zach can resist public pressure, he’ll be joining Belushi, Candy and Farley in the Afterlife soon.”<o:p></o:p><br /><i>reported by:&nbsp;</i><br /><i>Abraham Tribesky, M.D.</i><br /><i>95-Year-Old Psychiatrist to Deceased Hollywood Stars</i><br /><i>Adjunct Professor, Afterlife Issues, Edgar Allan Poe Community College</i></div>Edgar Allan Poe Community Collegehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17998437341303769185noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5159776631034415373.post-9115027245825818092016-09-23T07:50:00.000-07:002016-09-23T07:54:55.734-07:0012 Shocking Celebrity Predictions for the Rest of 2016!<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</span>I swear a solemn oath that these bold predictions will be widely praised as accurate before 2016 A.D. comes to a crashing close.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</span>Yours Truly,</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</span>Precept Tabernacle Perfect</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">World’s #1 Nigerian Soothsayer</i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</span>137% Accuracy Record</i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</span>Adjunct Professor of Prophecy, International Finance and Horror Film Production</i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</i><place><placename><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Edgar</i></placename><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">&nbsp;</i><placename><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Allan</i></placename><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">&nbsp;</i><placename><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Poe</i></placename><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">&nbsp;</i><placetype><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Community College</i></placetype></place><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</span>Resident of&nbsp;</i><city><place><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Las Vegas</i></place></city><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">&nbsp;pending extradition hearings</i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</i><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">This I Predict!!! So It Shall Be!!!</b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;1. Angelina Jolie will <i>adopt</i> ex-husband Brad Pitt.</span><br /><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;2. Comedian Leslie Jones will spend an unprecedented 60 consecutive minutes <i>not</i> trying to call attention to herself. It will be discovered that she was under sedation having a root canal.</span><br /><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">&nbsp;</b><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">3</span>. The MacGyver reboot will be cancelled before anyone learns the name of the new blond dude who plays MacGyver. On a positive note, his hair will win an Emmy.<br /><br />4. Actor George Clooney will be caught pleasuring himself while watching <i>ER </i>reruns on the Washington Metro prior to testifying before Congress about a subject with which he is absolutely unfamiliar.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br /></div><span style="font-family: &quot;times new roman&quot;;">5.</span><i style="font-family: &quot;times new roman&quot;;"> Survivor:&nbsp;U.S.</i><span style="font-family: &quot;times new roman&quot;;">&nbsp;contestants will live on a foreclosed island, scratching out a living on the minimum wage.</span><br /><div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; font-family: &quot;times new roman&quot;; font-size: medium; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><div style="margin: 0px;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />6. The entire cast of the next <i>Big Brother</i> will&nbsp;be out-of-work&nbsp;<i>Twilight </i>series&nbsp;stars.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;; font-style: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;; font-style: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">7. McG will direct a re-make of&nbsp;<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Gone with the Wind,&nbsp;</i>featuring Lady Gaga as Scarlett O’Hara and Dwyane "The Rock" Johnson as Rhett Butler.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;; font-style: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;; font-style: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">8. Two weeks after that, Steven Spielberg will reveal his long-held plan to remake GWTW as a feature-length Claymation cartoon, with four pounds of genuine Georgia clay in the lead roles.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;; font-style: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;; font-style: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">9. Adam Sandler will make a funny movie. Stunned beyond belief, Leonard Maltin will be wheeled from the screening on a gurney, suffering cardiac arrest.<br /><br />10. Kanye West will be found dead. Twenty-four hours later, Kim Kardashian will wed O.J. Simpson.<br /><br />11. Michael Strahan will reveal he is suffering from post-concussion syndrome after tackling and spiking George Stephanopoulos before a live audience on the set of Good Morning America.<br /><br />12. It will dawn on even die-hard Bjork fans that she hasn't written a sing-along melody in her entire career.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;; font-style: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; &nbsp;&nbsp;</span></div><div style="font-style: normal;"><br /></div></div></div>Edgar Allan Poe Community Collegehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17998437341303769185noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5159776631034415373.post-1911864472327204262016-09-19T10:26:00.000-07:002016-09-19T10:26:59.980-07:00What it means to dream of Keystone Light.&nbsp;&nbsp;<span style="font-size: large;">Dreaming of Keystone Light beer indicates you're on the slippery slope of downward mobility. Your life is over, finished, whether you are 20 or 35. You have huge student loans, an education of limited monetary value and small hope of remaining a member of the middle class into which you were born.</span><br /><span style="font-size: large;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;Silver lining: If you awakened from your dream with your face in the gutter, your mouth a receptacle for diluted urine and cigarette butts, you have nearly hit bottom.</span><br /><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-size: large;">Dream On!</span><br /><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-size: large;">Dawnlee Hope, Jr.</span><br /><span style="font-size: large;">Undergraduate Student</span><br /><span style="font-size: large;">Dream Interpretation Curriculum</span><br /><br /><div></div><br /><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;; font-size: medium; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><a href="http://edgarallanpoecommunitycollege.blogspot.com/p/welcome-to-home-page-of-edgar-allan-poe.html"><span style="font-size: large;">Edgar Allan Poe Community College</span></a></div>Edgar Allan Poe Community Collegehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17998437341303769185noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5159776631034415373.post-59695539786727584772016-08-11T12:58:00.000-07:002016-08-11T12:58:52.401-07:00Weekly Presidential Ghost Tracking Poll #1&nbsp; &nbsp; <br /><i>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;</i>Press release<br />&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;To: All media<br /><br /><br />&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;Why ghosts&nbsp;support Trump 3 to 1 over Clinton.<br /><br />&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;The inaugural Weekly Presidential Ghost Tracking Poll (see below) has found that malevolent ghosts favor Donald Trump over Hillary Clinton by an overwhelming 3 to 1 margin.<br />&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;Says Dr. Abraham Tribesky, &nbsp;95-year-old psychiatrist to deceased Hollywood stars and Adjunct Professor of Afterlife Studies at Edgar Allan Poe Community College, "I conducted a seance with the assistance of 5 undergraduate students. Our group held hands around an antique oak table in a candlelit classroom. We asked the ghosts and spirits we contacted to tell us whether they supported Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton for president in 2016.<br />&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;"Seconds later, the table began to shake. The classroom turned ice-cold. And the answers came pouring in from the Other Side.<br />&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;"We tabulated the results and found that malevolent spirits--known for causing doors to shut unexpectedly and crockery to fall off shelves without reason--preferred Donald Trump by a 3 to 1 margin."<br />&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;Added Dr. Tribesky, whose clients include Marilyn Monroe and Sam Kinison, "It should be noted that such ghosts are not a hate group. They are merely unsettled spirits acting out their own angst in an Afterlife vastly different than they believed it would be.<br />&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;"That being the case, Hillary Clinton should be deeply concerned. These unhappy spirits can influence how the living vote by whispering in their ears at night or by sending subliminal messages via the astral plane. And they currently favor Donald Trump by an arguably statistically significant 3 to 1 margin.<br />&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;"Because of the great respect Americans have for their ancestors, their deceased relatives may be the most influential demographic in the upcoming election.<br />&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;"The Clinton camp needs to reach out to the dead. Or risk losing on November 8, 2016."<br /><i>&nbsp; &nbsp;</i><br /> <i><br /></i><i>-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</i><i><br /></i><i>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*About The Weekly Presidential Ghost Tracking Poll:</i><br /><i><br /></i><i>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;Every Monday, Edgar Allan Poe Community College conducts a seance during which ghosts and spirits from across the political spectrum are asked to state whether they support Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton in 2016.</i><br /><i>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;</i><i>Some may think this a frivolous endeavor. But deceased spirits can influence how the living vote by whispering in their ears at night or by sending subliminal messages via the astral plane.&nbsp;</i><br /><i>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;</i><i>Because of the great respect Americans have for their ancestors, their dead relatives may be the most influential demographic in the upcoming election.&nbsp;</i><br /><i>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;America's future lies in their cold, dead hands.</i><br /><i>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</i><i><br /></i><i><br /></i><i>&nbsp; &nbsp; </i><br /><br />&nbsp; &nbsp; <br /><br />Edgar Allan Poe Community Collegehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17998437341303769185noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5159776631034415373.post-64629907208770516732016-05-09T14:49:00.003-07:002016-05-09T14:49:55.442-07:00DJ Decapitates Heckler with Flying Vinyl.<div style="line-height: 32px;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;<b>To</b>: All Students<br />&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;<b>From</b>: Doc Paranormal<br />&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;<b>Subject</b>: Here's a touching letter I received. Caution: It may bring tears to your eyes as it did to mine:<br />&nbsp; <br />&nbsp; &nbsp; Dear Doc Paranormal:<br />&nbsp; &nbsp; Seven years ago, my boyfriend, an aspiring DJ who I’ll call DJ Bus Stop, was returning from a&nbsp;50 Cent&nbsp;concert when his brother, who was driving, ran the car off the road and into a concrete bench at–you guessed it–a bus stop. My boyfriend, who was standing up at the time heckling pedestrians through the moon roof, was catapulted forward onto the sidewalk.</div><div style="line-height: 32px;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</span>To make a long story short, my&nbsp;boyfriend was paralyzed from the neck down, tragically causing him to be unable to spin records anymore. So there was bad blood between us for the next several years when I got tired of rushing into the bedroom to put another twelve-inch record on the turntable or even do some “scratching” under DJ Bus&nbsp;<span class="blsp-spelling-error">Stop’s</span>&nbsp;exacting directions.<br /><span style="font-family: &quot;courier&quot;;">&nbsp;&nbsp;</span><span style="line-height: 24pt;">But then one night I heard thundering beats coming from the bedroom before I had even put some vinyl on. This is when the hairs on my neck stood on end…</span></div><div style="line-height: 32px;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</span>On the evening that I heard the mysterious music, which was Biggie Smalls doing ‘10 Crack Commandments,’ I rushed into my boyfriend’s bedroom screaming with happiness, figuring my beloved DJ Bus Stop had stopped being quadriplegic–and had put the record on the turntable himself! Instead, I was crestfallen to see that the turntable was empty and that my boyfriend’s face was contorted like he was ill.</div><div style="line-height: 32px;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</span>“What’s wrong, honey? Don’t you feel well?” I asked him.</div><div style="line-height: 32px;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</span>He opened his eyes and started crying. “Just listening to Biggie, darling,” he said.</div><div style="line-height: 32px;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</span>“How could that be?”</div><div style="line-height: 32px;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</span>“Sugar, I got so tired of asking you to DJ for me that I just started playing my set list in my head.”</div><div style="line-height: 32px;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</span>“You mean like now? Like you’re playing Slick Rick?</div><div style="line-height: 32px;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</span>DJ Bus Stop looked startled. “<span class="blsp-spelling-error">How’d</span>&nbsp;you know I just put that dude into the mix?”</div><div style="line-height: 32px;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</span>“I don’t know. But I can hear&nbsp;him rapping clear as a bell.” Then I got an idea. I asked my&nbsp;boyfriend to start playing another song in his head–and rushed out of his bedroom, slamming the door behind me. At first I heard nothing but street sounds coming from outside. But shortly, low at first, then loud enough to hurt my eardrums, I was assaulted by the familiar sounds of ‘Can’t Touch This.’”</div><div style="line-height: 32px;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</span>I rushed back into the bedroom and shouted to my boyfriend, “That’s MC Hammer, isn’t it?”</div><div style="line-height: 32px;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</span>“Yes,” he replied, “I was playing that old-school legend in my head.”</div><div style="line-height: 32px;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</span>I was astounded. My&nbsp;boyfriend and I had entered an eerie new territory in our relationship. Every Friday, he began to entertain me with massive 4-hour DJ sets sent to my welcoming ears entirely via ESP.</div><div style="line-height: 32px;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</span>As he got crisper and better with his scratching, cross-fades and such, I just knew there was money in his talent. Yes, DJ Bus Stop was going to rise again. That’s when I used my considerable powers of persuasion to book his first show. If only I hadn’t, because of the shocking events that followed…</div><div style="line-height: 32px;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</span>I regret to this day that I booked my quadriplegic&nbsp;boyfriend to ’spin’ his ESP hip-hop to a crowded room at a local club. Now I have to admit, most legitimate clubs laughed in my face when I told them that DJ Bus Stop could play entire sets using only his mind–and that people could hear every track. The only place I was able to convince was this unsavory after-hours joint with a crowd made up of gangsters, pimps and adventurous college students.</div><div style="line-height: 32px;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</span>DJ Bus Stop was initially a smash. The crowd could hear him and the sound was crisp and clear because it was coming from his mind and not a muddy P.A. system. The whole place was jumping.</div><div style="line-height: 32px;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</span>But wouldn’t you know it, after he was about 45 minutes into his playlist a skinny little heckler began to annoy my boyfriend about playing only "old school" stuff. Now this tiny dude was an obviously wanna-be gangster who probably thought he could earn brownie points by making fun of the cripple. Well, DJ Bus Stop still has a monumental temper even though he can’t punch anybody out, and I could see it building by the second.</div><div style="line-height: 32px;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</span>But before I could intervene, something horrible happened. There was still a 12-inch vinyl record resting on another turntable from the previous DJ. Well, suddenly it lifted up and flew like a blur towards the heckler, striking him in the neck and severing his head from his body.</div><div style="line-height: 32px;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</span>Actually, it wasn’t a clean cut. The head only flopped over at first, with blood and gore spewing out, but when his body hit the ground, his head ripped off completely and rolled about three feet away from his torso. It all happened so fast, the baby gangster didn’t even have a look of surprise on his face. He still carried the smirk he’d been wearing all night.</div><div style="line-height: 32px;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</span>Everybody started screaming and one woman ran towards the exit throwing up. I was worried that a riot would break out and the angry crowd would attack DJ Bus Stop. But I was surprised when the owner of the club came out, grabbed a mic and reassured everybody that it was “all in the show.”</div><div style="line-height: 32px;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</span>The crowd quieted down and the club owner politely asked DJ Bus Stop to continue his set. Next he ordered his minions to mop up the mess. Fortunately, it turned out that the club owner was an old pal of the Notorious B.I.G. And both of them had hated the thumb-sucking baby gangster that my&nbsp;boyfriend had decapitated with a 12-inch version of Biggie’s “Me &amp; My Bitch.” DJ Bus Stop had actually done the legend a favor! Was Biggie’s ghost involved? We’ll never know. Although to this day, no one can explain how “Me &amp; My Bitch” got on that extra turntable—because the prior DJ had been spinning nothing but modern sexy soul.</div><div style="line-height: 32px;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</span>After the floor was cleaned up, the gangster’s body was cut up in a back room and thrown into a plastic pool where the club owner kept his pet crocodile collection. After a feeding frenzy, there was no evidence left.</div><div style="line-height: 32px;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</span>At the end of the night, the club owner handed DJ Bus Stop a fat check and told him he was welcome back anytime. My&nbsp;boyfriend was thrilled, but as far as I was concerned, his public&nbsp;<span class="blsp-spelling-error">DJ’ing</span>&nbsp;career was&nbsp;<em>over.</em>&nbsp;I would never go through another night like that even if we were paid double.<br />&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;<span style="font-family: &quot;times new roman&quot;;">These days DJ Bus&nbsp;</span><span class="blsp-spelling-error" style="font-family: &quot;times new roman&quot;;">Stop’s</span><span style="font-family: &quot;times new roman&quot;;">&nbsp;only gig is playing for me in our living room. Every Friday night, I relax from a hard week’s work listening to sweet, sweet rap music sent to me via the extrasensory abilities of my quadriplegic boyfriend.</span><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;times new roman&quot;;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;Thanks for listening!</span></div><div style="font-family: 'times new roman'; line-height: 32px;"><div style="margin: 0px;">Signed,</div><div style="margin: 0px;">Marie</div></div>Edgar Allan Poe Community Collegehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17998437341303769185noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5159776631034415373.post-48888376978199763072015-06-07T10:41:00.000-07:002015-06-07T10:41:08.869-07:00Do Plus-Sized Models Lose Weight In Heaven?Dear Readers:<br /><br />This may seem like a silly thing to talk about, but my friend and I had a sizzling debate last night in our dorm room here at Edgar Poe Community College. It was about Heaven.<br /><br />Okay, here goes: I think that if a tragedy strikes a plus-sized model--for example, getting killed in a car accident--she enters Heaven weighing the same as she did on Earth.<br /><br />On the other hand, my friend believes that if a youth is accidentally killed, she enters Heaven at her ideal weight. In other words, a size 22 model will slim down to a size 2--like magic, I guess--the instant she passes through the Gates of Heaven. The opposite would happen to an anorexic model.<br /><br />I'd like to hear your opinions, dear readers. Which one of us is right??<br /><br />Dawnlee Hope, Jr.<br />Undergraduate Student<br />EAPCC<br /><br /><br />Edgar Allan Poe Community Collegehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17998437341303769185noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5159776631034415373.post-8199806521398695762015-03-28T10:46:00.004-07:002015-03-28T10:46:40.788-07:00Plans to Broadcast Fox News in Outer SpaceSources tell me that a group of forward-thinking fundamentalist Christians is raising funds to purchase the decommissioned space shuttle Discovery currently on display at the Smithsonian Institution.<br /><br />What are they going to do with it? That's the amazing part. The group plans to use the Discovery to transport equipment into leased space on the International Space Station, allowing it to broadcast the entire Fox News lineup into the far reaches of space. Yes, that means Sean, Megyn, O'Reilly and the rest of the gang may one day be available throughout the Universe (signal power will initially be limited to our own solar system).<br /><br />What the group expects to gain from the endeavor is unknown. But I can confirm that neither Rupert Murdoch or News Corp. is involved in the costly effort.<br /><br />Which raises a series of thorny issues:<br /><br />Why are the fundamentalists spending millions to promote Fox News rather than their own well-traveled message that is currently enjoying much success in the Third World, if not America and Europe?<br /><br />Will Megyn Kelly's sexy appeal "play well" beyond Earth?<br /><br />How will Neilsen measure the increase in Fox viewership (assuming there is life on other planets)?<br /><br />What do NASA and Scott Kelly think?<br /><br />I'll address those questions in a future post.<br /><br />Dan Lee Hope, Jr.<br />Undergraduate Student<br />Conspiracy Theories Curriculum<br />Edgar Allan Poe Community CollegeEdgar Allan Poe Community Collegehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17998437341303769185noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5159776631034415373.post-21806517256202342802015-03-11T19:54:00.000-07:002015-03-11T19:54:30.410-07:00Women's Intuition Saved 10,500 Lives Last Year.&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;According to statistics complied by Edgar Allan Poe Community College, women's intuition saved 10,500 lives in 2014. The multi-disciplinary study found that the often-derided supernatural ability was actually effective on a number of fronts--and that many female premonitions saved lives.<br />&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;According to teaching assistant Heatherleen Glade, who lead the study, "This proves that every woman, no matter whether she's a municipal court judge or a street-walking prostitute, should pay close attention to her own intuition.<br />&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;"We found that females effectively used their intuition to save over ten thousand lives. Cases included a mother's sense that she shouldn't drive her kids to school during a Category Five tornado; a Florida judge who 'just knew' an accused killer was guilty; and the aforementioned streetwalker, who decided at the last moment not to climb into a darkened van with a knife-wielding john--even though he offered her a free hit on his crack pipe."<br />&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;Ms. Glade said she has launched a similar study for 2015. "We want to find if women save more lives this year by trusting their instincts. If so, we believe that female intuition should then be considered among our most precious natural resources."<br /><br />&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; ################# &nbsp;Edgar Allan Poe Community Collegehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17998437341303769185noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5159776631034415373.post-38612574368390761312015-02-13T10:00:00.000-08:002015-02-13T10:00:04.027-08:00Portland, Oregon Bums Share 40s With Angel.On February 12, a tall bearded old man, all dressed in white, made his ethereal presence known beneath the Burnside Bridge in downtown Portland, Oregon.&nbsp;<div><br /></div><div>Although food was scarce, four homeless men invited the stranger to share their sparse meal of a Bonus Jack, six relish packets and two 40-ounce bottles of Olde English 800 malt liquor. The bearded sage ate and drank quickly and asked the men how much he owed them.</div><div><br /></div><div>When the derelicts refused payment, the man said in a powerful voice, "Well, if you charge me nothing for my dinner and drink, may God bless you and peace be with you." Then then old man walked away, disappearing quickly into the darkness.</div><div><br /></div><div>Incredibly, although the old man had been seen drinking deeply from one of the 40s, when he left the bottle was full.</div><div>&nbsp;&nbsp;</div><div>Since that night's visit by the mysterious stranger, the kindly band of down-on-their-luck drunkards has never been short of malt liquor.&nbsp;</div><div><br /></div><div>Because the bottle of Olde English that caressed the lips of the <i>elderly angel</i> magically replenishes itself again and again. &nbsp;&nbsp;</div><div><br /></div><div>Reporter's note: Hundreds of parched vagrants now visit the site nightly to drink from the bottomless wellspring of malt liquor.</div><div><br /></div><div>Source:</div><div><br /></div><div>Edgar Allan Poe Community College newsroom</div>Edgar Allan Poe Community Collegehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17998437341303769185noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5159776631034415373.post-6908211398200255742015-02-03T14:36:00.000-08:002015-02-03T14:36:40.824-08:00Whitney Houston Enters Rehab In Heaven.<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">There is an upside to the tragic 2012 death of singer Whitney Houston, I can exclusively report.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">A reliable source on the Other Side tells me that the Grammy-winning chanteuse has just decided to enter rehab to recover from her alleged drug and alcohol addictions.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">“Whitney has been informed about Bobbi Kristina,” the source told me. “So, in a dramatic shift, she’s decided to abandon the wild lifestyle she continued to flaunt in Heaven.</div><div style="border-bottom: windowtext 1pt solid; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .75pt; padding-bottom: 1pt; padding-left: 0in; padding-right: 0in; padding-top: 0in;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .75pt; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in; padding-bottom: 0in; padding-left: 0in; padding-right: 0in; padding-top: 0in;"><br /></div></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Advertisement</i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: rgb(255, 231, 229); line-height: 24pt; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: rgb(255, 231, 229); line-height: 24pt; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Courier;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Dead celebrities are just as f****d up in the Afterlife as they are on Earth, according to Dr. Abraham Tribesky, psychiatrist to deceased&nbsp;</span><place><span style="color: black; font-family: Courier;">Hollywood</span></place><span style="color: black; font-family: Courier;">&nbsp;stars.</span><span style="color: black; font-size: 8pt;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: rgb(255, 231, 229); line-height: 24pt; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Courier;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; &nbsp;In his shocking new ebook,&nbsp;<strong><span style="font-family: Courier;"><span style="color: #797979;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Michael-Jackson-Harassed-Heaven-ebook/dp/B004MDLN7K">Michael Jackson is</a>&nbsp;<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Michael-Jackson-Harassed-Heaven-ebook/dp/B004MDLN7K">Being Harassed in Heaven</a></span></span></strong></span><span style="color: black; font-family: Courier;">($2.99&nbsp;<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Michael-Jackson-Harassed-Heaven-ebook/dp/B004MDLN7K"><span style="color: #797979;">Kindle</span></a>), Dr. Tribesky reveals the tabloid-worthy lifestyles and outrageous opinions of his famous neurotics from the Other Side. Like:</span><span style="color: black; font-size: 8pt;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: rgb(255, 231, 229); line-height: 24pt; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Courier;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; *Lady Gaga Banned from Rock 'n Roll Heaven</span><span style="color: black; font-size: 8pt;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: rgb(255, 231, 229); line-height: 24pt; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Courier;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; *DJ Decapitates Fan with Flying Vinyl (Is Biggie's Ghost&nbsp;to Blame?)</span><span style="color: black; font-size: 8pt;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: rgb(255, 231, 229); line-height: 24pt; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Courier;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; *Sinatra's Frank Advice for Justin Bieber.</span><span style="color: black; font-size: 8pt;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: rgb(255, 231, 229); line-height: 24pt; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Courier;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; *Same Ghost Appears in 20 Episodes of Paranormal State!</span><span style="color: black; font-size: 8pt;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: rgb(255, 231, 229); line-height: 24pt; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: rgb(255, 231, 229); line-height: 24pt; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Courier;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<strong><span style="font-family: Courier;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Michael-Jackson-Harassed-Heaven-ebook/dp/B004MDLN7K"><span style="color: #797979;">MICHAEL JACKSON IS BEING HARASSED IN HEAVEN</span></a></span></strong>, by Dr. Abraham Tribesky, psychiatrist to deceased Hollywood Stars ($2.99&nbsp;</span><span style="color: #797979; font-family: Courier;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Michael-Jackson-Harassed-Heaven-ebook/dp/B004MDLN7K"><span style="color: purple;">Kindle</span></a></span><span style="color: black; font-family: Courier;">).</span><span style="color: black; font-size: 8pt;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">&nbsp;---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">“Starting today, Whitney plans to devote herself entirely to music. It's the one thing that makes her happier than a crackhead with a kilo-size pipe.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">“Bobbi Kristina is Whitney's wake-up call. She’s going to live life one day at a time for an eternity."</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">I’ll update this story as the situation warrants.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Abraham Tribesky</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">95-Year-Old Psychiatrist to Deceased&nbsp;<place>Hollywood</place>&nbsp;Stars<br />Adjunct Professor: Afterlife Issues EDGAR ALLAN POE COMMUNITY COLLEGE</div><br /><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"></div><br /><div class="MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;"><div style="margin: 0px;"><br /></div></div>Edgar Allan Poe Community Collegehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17998437341303769185noreply@blogger.com0