Be Me or Do Me Bingo: Robin Thicke, The Billboard Music Awards, and the Microphone Breakup

Darlings, too many things have kept us away from keeping track of the “Be Me or Do Me”-related goings on in Celebuville lately. We’re actually upset we didn’t get the chance to point out that James Franco clearly read our Attention-Whoring chapter; especially the part on male selfies. Tsk.

Let’s rectify that. Robin Thicke, bless his heart, has also been paying attention.

From Chapter 10: The Epic Breakup:

“Microphone Breakups. The very best kinds of celebrity break- ups, the ne plus, is when either person involved is a singer. Oh Jesus, can you ever expect some lyrical payback when that happens. Actors don’t always get the chance to let their personal life inform their work so directly, but singers are encouraged to do so and rewarded for it. If those singers just happen to be bitter, vindictive, immature, and attention seeking, so much the better. Male rap and female country stars get the prize for most vindictive lyrics, but the dance-floor divas can achieve immortality if their song of triumph after pain becomes a gay or bachelorette party standard.”

“Robin Thicke sang his heart out at the Billboard Music Awards … begging for estranged wife Paula Patton’s forgiveness — and also gave a random woman in the crowd a face full of his crotch.”

“As TMZ first reported, Thicke penned the song “Get Her Back” specifically to try and win back Patton … with lyrics like “All I wanna do is make it right” and “I’ll wait for forever for you.”

The song was catchy and filled with the requisite amount of pleading but at the end of the song he made the poor choice to drop to his knees and pump his hips at a cute chick in the front row.”

Please. There was no “plea for forgiveness” here. Just a well timed (to the beat, apparently) passive-aggressive bitch slap. Well played, Robin. After all, what is the celebrity affirmation for the Epic Breakup chapter? “PEOPLE WHO HURT ME DESERVE TO BE DESTROYED.”

“Ball’s in your court, Paula.” Never fear, Uncles. I am 100% positive she is out, right this very minute, searching for the TACKIEST, dress in the history of dresses. Perhaps having one made from pieces all of her others. Sort of a Seventh Son of a Seventh Son situation.

Fuchsiaforever

Genius

altalinda

The pumps, panties and fur stole by the pool photo in Vanity Fair doesn’t count?

@Biting Panda

No, darling. That was nothing more than an amuse bouche. And the highest bar of taste we will see her rise to.

formerlyAnon

Biting Panda, you have moments of pure genius. “amuse bouche”

marlie

OR… conversely, she’s trying to up her style game, to show up at an event looking more polished and put-together than she’s EVER been, and possibly with rumors flying of her having been out with a new beau.

Leah Elzinga

you never know. it happens all the time. especially if it turns out she was dressing “for her man”. Well, remove tack-ass Robin Thicke from the picture, and who knows?! Maybe Paula shows up in a classy cocktail dress, with the girls breathing a sigh of relief, POSSIBLY even with her natural skin colour making an appearance. I know, I know, if wishes were horses…

altalinda

Did you mean, “balls’re in your court, Paula”?

GorgeousThings

Exactly what I was thinking! Along with, she’s gonna bitch-slap him right back in the balls.

formerlyAnon

And, to be blunt, it wouldn’t be that hard to trade up.

Wink

I hope those kids can work it out because, as a couple, they are the perfect combination of tacky, sexy and batsh*it crazy!

Jessica Freeman

I am beyond sad that he turned into the biggest douche (or perhaps that he just finally unleashed the douche). I used to love him prior to his whole “Blurred Lines” fame.

MilaXX

Agreed. I liked him when he was just doing blue eyed soul with slightly cheesy persona. Now he’s just gross.

MilaXX

Please let her get new stylist and hug the RC looking Do Me levels gorgeous.

Leah Elzinga

or even better, BE ME levels 😉

BuffaloBarbara

I wish he would do his hair differently or something, because I keep expecting this to turn into a Very Special Episode of “Growing Pains.” Where is my montage of tacky-happy moments now long past, set to a bad power ballad, after which he will Understand the Error of his Ways ™? Possibly with the help of the random audience girl, who will turn out to have a surprisingly similar life problem, and will give him perspective on his own issues.

I think I may have just carbon-dated myself.

I hate tacky celebrities. Seriously. Can’t they at least come up with a good publicist’s lie anymore?

StillGary

why-o-why can’t he get together with Taylor Swift? Talk about Clash of the Titans — However, I don’t listen to either of their music, so maybe that’s just bad, evil wish…

marlie

Nooooo! The internet would explode, and we’d never hear the end of it from the likes of TMZ and Perez Hilton. We don’t need MORE fame-whore relationship drama!