Husband is seriously pissing me off...

Talk about first world problems 😩 We’re having a little spat and I would love some voices of reason. We have been ttc for almost 3 years, and it hasn’t gone very well. We have cats, so he’s had sole kitty litter duty for the last three years, vs alternating days like we used to. He’s whining saying that since he has total responsibility for litter, I should take total responsibility of something else since you shouldn’t do kitty litter if you’re ttc. But here’s the thing:
While he’s had to clean the kitty litter, I’ve had 5 miscarriages, the second of which landed me in the emergency room and left me with fibromyalgia, the most recent being a failed IVF (in vitro fertilization) transfer, injected myself over 150 times, gotten my blood drawn dozens of times, had two dozen or more ultrasounds, have had surgery to clear up uterine scarring, have gained 30lbs thanks to IVF (in vitro fertilization) drugs, went through TWO egg retrieval cycles, and let’s not forget about the hormonal ups and downs thanks to all this medication and 5 losses.

Please ladies, tell me if I’m just being hormonal, but I feel like him doing the kitty litter is him seriously getting off easy. In my mind, that doesn’t even begin to level the playing field and I’m being super generous for not giving him a whole bunch of other chores too. In his mind they’re totally separate and I should have to do something equally gross and annoying.

Comments (8)

Hi I see where your coming from but I just think it’s stressing him out as well. Maybe you should both calm down then go back and talk about the situation and come to terms on what you should do. I understand that you’ve been thru a lot and went through 5 losses but so did he and trust me I understand a miscarriage isn’t as hard for the guys as it is for us women I had one to and my husband could care less but as much as your trying to conceive don’t let it tear you apart

Hi I see where your coming from but I just think it’s stressing him out as ...

Posted
11/17/2018

Hi I see where your coming from but I just think it’s stressing him out as well. Maybe you should both calm down then go back and talk about the situation and come to terms on what you should do. I understand that you’ve been thru a lot and went through 5 losses but so did he and trust me I understand a miscarriage isn’t as hard for the guys as it is for us women I had one to and my husband could care less but as much as your trying to conceive don’t let it tear you apart

It’s not just the losses though...it’s the intensity of IVF. I already have extra “chores” thanks to everything that only I can do.

Hi I see where your coming from but I just think it’s stressing him out as ...

Posted
11/17/2018

Hi I see where your coming from but I just think it’s stressing him out as well. Maybe you should both calm down then go back and talk about the situation and come to terms on what you should do. I understand that you’ve been thru a lot and went through 5 losses but so did he and trust me I understand a miscarriage isn’t as hard for the guys as it is for us women I had one to and my husband could care less but as much as your trying to conceive don’t let it tear you apart

But also, you’re right. It’s more of a tiff or bickering. We’re super strong, but everyone has their fights. I just can’t always tell if I’m right or if my hormones are clouding my judgement.

I’m sure this has been hard for you, but put yourself in his shoes. He may not have physically been through what you have been, but emotionally he has experienced every loss and had to watch his wife suffer while he can’t do anything to stop it-that is what my husband said was the hardest when we were trying to conceive. He is probably sick of doing the litter too but knows he has to. I think it’s fair to say something like since you have to do all the litter I will do all of the cleaning of the toilets or something like that. I would compromise here if it were me and my husband.

I’m so sorry for your losses and strugggles in your ttc journey and hope you have a healthy, happy rainbow baby in your arms soon!

Just my point of view.. If I were in your position, I’d suck it up and pick up a house chore to do just myself. If my husband was the one telling me all this, I would take it as he’s stressed and he needs my help. It just happens to come off as “it’s not fair boohoo”

And if I had the same reaction to DH (dear husband) as you’re having, he would likely feel like because I’m the child bearing one I am better than thou.

No matter how stressful or busy our lives get, DH (dear husband) and I make each other a priority. If me taking out the garbage (his chore) makes his day a little easier but mine a little harder then so be it. Because later that night, I guarantee it that he will be doing something for me even if it makes his night a little longer.

TTC (trying to conceive) is hard. Losing babies is really hard. I can’t speak for IVF (in vitro fertilization) but I can’t even imagine how rough it gets. But no matter how exhausting it gets for me, my DH (dear husband) is still my priority.

"Please ladies, tell me if I’m just being hormonal, but I feel like him doing the kitty litter is him seriously getting off easy."

I wouldn't blame this on hormones. It's a mindset and you need to correct it. Going through a harder time doesn't make his struggles go away. I really hope you didn't say any of that to him. Everything you just wrote devalued the struggles he went through in this process and dismissed what he is voicing now. Also, you can clean the litter box. You just have to wear gloves and a mask.

After 4 years, six losses, and an ectopic pregnancy, IVF (in vitro fertilization) is one of the hardest most overwhelming things I've ever been through in my entire life. And I'm only on my 1st cycle. If this one fails I don't know how I'll cope. I don't know what it will do to my marriage, which is strong and solid

Trying to conceive, with as many setbacks as you've had, is crazy-making. I've felt on the brink more times than I can count, with and without hormonal influence. This process destroys marriages and adds totally crazy and unforeseen complications to otherwise healthy relationships, and reduces reasonable women to blubbering piles of hurt desperation and shame. I get that. I really get that.

And I'm sure you're a reasonable woman...but this isn't reasonable even though it makes emotional sense (it does). He's not a woman so he doesn't go through the physical and emotional trauma that you go through/have been through. It's impossible, right? A baby can't grow in his body, so by default you're the one who has to carry much of the burden. But if you look at this as a quid pro quo, eye for an eye situation, you'll always be the one who's suffered more. And that's not fair to you or to him.

Chores are separate from ivf. You can figure out a system. Sometimes cleaning helps center me and bring me out of this tornado of loss and hurt...I don't know if it would do the same for you, but there is a life outside of fertility issues and I've found that connecting to that life can be helpful at times.

I sincerely hope that you find better luck soon, and am just horrified at all you've been through. pm anytime if you'd like to talk or vent.

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