VC Parody Video Packs A Lifetime Of Awful Into Just Five Minutes

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Dan Lyons

01/02/15 11:21AM

This painful and awkward video was published before the holidays, but in all the hustle and bustle you might not have seen it. Nevertheless, you really do need to see this, because it is quite possibly the worst thing ever — an excruciating masterpiece that squeezes a lifetime of kitsch and horror into only five minutes. This video has everything: cheerleaders, ballerinas, old men in wigs and leotards, huge plastic sunglasses, Google Glass, Sailor Moon, bloopers, demented lyrics about marketing.

The people responsible for this crime against humanity work for First Round Capital, which is an actual VC firm. (Motto: We're Turning Venture Capital on Its Head.) They make "funny" parody videos featuring their own employees and partners, plus dorks from their portfolio companies. They do this because First Round Capital wants everyone to know just how cool and hip and fun they are. They're not like all those other VC firms and startups! No way! At First Round Capital they have a groovy corporate culture and it's all about having fun!

Honestly, I'm sick of this shit. I'm sick of these nitwits at startups talking about corporate culture and culture fit and trying to be funny and making these insipid parody videos and pretending that this somehow is some kind of marketing because you're getting publicity and making a splash. This is not marketing, and that's not why you're doing it. You're doing it because you have too much money and too much free time, and because your companies are trivial and stupid, and because despite those things you still have big egos and an overinflated sense of your own importance.

Listen to me: Most of your companies are going to fail. Not just a little, but completely. Ordinarily I would feel bad for you, but now that you've made this video I can't wait for the bubble to pop so that all of you can go back to waiting tables. Thank you for creating this artifact which will serve as a reminder of how terrible this period in history actually was.

I don't know what's worse, the ones among you who look pained and seem to be performing at gunpoint (see: sad man by himself at 1:43) or the ones who clearly think that they're the shit and are just loving it because they know deep down in their heart of hearts that they truly are fabulous performers! Look at me! Look at me dance! I run a company!

Trust me, you do not look cool. You are not helping yourselves, or your companies, with this nonsense. What you look like is a bunch of sad, pathetic asshats. Somewhere, your friends and relatives are watching this and feeling a little bit queasy and embarrassed for you, and they're wondering what they should say the next time they see you because they know you are going to bring up the video and they know they can't tell you the truth and so they're just dreading that moment. Anyway, you need to stop. Thank you.