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For those who haven't followed my shenanigans since the beginning of this blog, you may have wondered to yourself, "Why is this shit called Meteoroflgy? She never talks about weather things..."

Well, Negative Nancy, a) You could have found the answer up in one of those lovely tabs at the top of the screen, and b) I actually did use to talk about weather things. Lots of weather things. I'd draw pictures and mock meteorologists and all kinds of good stuff.

But then came the drought, and material was lacking. My imagination was bursting with a plethora of non-weather things, so I kind of switched gears. Thus, Meteoroflgy became the wonderful clusterfuck of a melting pot of topics you know and love/tolerate today.

That said, however, I've not forgotten my roots. The weather dude this morning said we were in for a "soggy week," and upon checking the forecast for the upcoming days, it looks like he was right. Allow me to break down our five day forecast for you, oldschool Meteoroflgy style:

As you can see, Monday will start off with a rather large boxing glove, punching its way from Billings all the way down to Albuquerque, New Mexico.

Tuesday will bring us two separate weather systems full of rain, one in the Great Plains area, and the other, off to our west.

As you can see, the boxing glove will slowly morph itself into a flamingo. A new system will form over the plains all together, transforming the weatherman into a crude caveman, with his long beard billowing in the southwest breeze.

Wednesday, we'll still be enjoying two main weather systems across the country, though once again, the shape of the systems will change quite a bit.

The eastern patch of rain will transform itself into the mystical, magical Luck Dragon Falcor, of The Never Ending Story fame. Tail to front paw, Falcor has the potential to expand his length across the whole country, but in this instance, will only dominate the tip of Maine through Minneapolis. The beautiful flamingo, unfortunately, will begin dissipating. and will break down into a broken Cool Ranch Doritos chip. Looking closely, the weatherman appears to have Doritos dust on his face; a rather unprofessional display, in my humble opinion.

ATREYUUU!!

Thursday, rain systems across the country will diminish, overall, resulting in three main, less-powerful areas of precipitation.

Disturbingly, all systems on Thursday have a common theme: They all belong to a Hylian child called Link, who I know, for a fact, is on a quest for the Ocarina of Time. I also happen to know, through extensive research and many, many man-hours spent on the N64, that link would never go anywhere without his hat, shield, or sword.

These things in mind, I have to wonder... What are you hiding, weather guy? Is that a look of frightened constipation on your face, or are you hiding something?? What have you done with Link?! Confess your crimes!!

Fuck you, Ganondorf.

I'll get to the bottom of this, so help me Jeebus.

Anyway...

Friday, along with a collective smile and sigh of relief from all of my fellow corporate slaves across the States, will usher in another two systems of rain.

Obviously, as you can see, the flamingo has returned in the eastern part of the country, presumably to party, since it's Friday. The flamingo will also let his true colors shine through, as he observes (with a disturbing amount of pleasure) the weather man modeling man panties, represented by the leftmost area of rain.

Far be it from me to criticize anyone's pantsless weekend, because lord knows I enjoy the same at every available opportunity. I might recommend to this particular anchor, however, that he wait until he gets home first, next time. But, what do I know. I don't know him. I have no authority over how he lives his life. So never mind. Go ape shit, Weather guy. Wear your silken undergarments with pride, for all the world to see.