Text

Emma Watson visit to Israel and Gaza.

[ This is fictional Real person fiction starring Emma Watson and other real people, and did not actually take place. Whether it will actually materialise remains to be seen.

The year is 2014. Emma Watson - a British actress who rose to fame after playing Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter films - graduated from Brown University with a degree in English Literature and became a UN Women Good Will Ambassador. Shortly after the August 2014 celebrity photo leak, she arrives at Ben Gurion Airport in Israel. ]

At-the-Passport-Verification

Airport clerk: The passport looks legit. What are you planning to do in Israel?

EmWatson: Touring and political activism. I’m not planning to be employed (and if I do - I’ll let you know about it) but I am planning to visit the Gaza envelope, broadcast my exact location on the Internet, and try to bring Shalom / Salaam to the region.

Airport clerk: Seems crazy.

EmWatson: Well, I am sane enough to act crazy sometimes.

Airport clerk: Oh well, I doubt you’ll be in any remote danger anyway, and since you are a British citizen, we cannot really prevent you from entering.

EmWatson: That I do! Note however that my phone will broadcast my exact GPS coordinates every minute or so, so if you care about “privacy” (in quotes) I’ll have to find someone else. On the bright side, I’m going to pay you 10 thousand sheqels regardless of how much the ride should cost, and also - I’m Emma Watson, the famous actress, so— I can give you a signed photograph, and a small souvenir, and naturally we’ll talk during the ride.

Driver: Works for me. Where do you wish to go?

EmWatson: Sderot, please! But can we first stop at a gas station, where we can eat and drink something?

Driver: Sure, Miss Watson! Let me help you with your bags.

At the Gas Station

[ The taxicab stops. EmWatson and the driver go out. ]

[ Cut to them sitting eating. ]

EmWatson: Sorry if I’m too distracted and not too talkative, but I’m trying to reply to as many of the social media responses I got for my recent announcement of me going to visit the Gaza envelope. One thing I learned from Shaike Ophir’s English Teacher skit is that one should avoid his definition of monologue as “one person talking to himself”.

Driver: That’s OK, Miss Watson - the customer’s always right.

EmWatson: Yes. I received quite a few variations of “Bitch, are you insane?” from fans, to which I made a top-level reply of “For all the people who think I’m insane, be aware that if I complied by the mainstream definition of sanity, I would not be half as successful as I am today.” (only in Twitter-speak).

[ A waitress approaches EmWatson ]

Waitress: I hope you’re having a good time, ah…

EmWatson: Emma… Emma Watson!

Waitress: Oh! I heard about you, naturally. Are you gonna threaten me with a wand? Heh!

EmWatson: A wand… yes, the bane of my existence. I’m thinking of collecting money for a public campaign to convert the weapon most associated with me to something more menacing.

Waitress: Don’t you have enough money for that?

EmWatson: No, not enough! Heh. And money isn’t everything.

Waitress: So you’re not playing in films for money?

EmWatson: Playing in films for money? Of course not! What a preposterous idea.

Waitress: Ah, nice.

EmWatson: I’m playing in films for a shitload of money!

[ The Waitress and the Driver burst out laughing, EmWatson joins them. ]

Waitress:[Calming down] So, Miss Watson, where are you going?

EmWatson: I'm going to Sderot and the rest of the Gaza envelope. I’m trying to bring Shalom / Salaam into the region.

Waitress: Sounds noble.

EmWatson: Oh, it is.

Waitress: Well, let me know if you need anything, and I wonder if it will be prudent…

EmWatson: For you to take photos with me? Sure! Always happy.

Waitress: Thanks. My family are big fans of the Harry Potter books.

EmWatson: I’m glad.

Entering Sderot

[ The taxicab enters Sderot where there are some people waiting. ]

[ EmWatson gets out of the cab, gives the cab driver the money, the photograph, and a souvenir, takes a photo with him using her digital camera, shakes his hand, says "Good bye" and part ways. ]

EmWatson: Hello good people of Sderot. Mah Nishm`a? [= Hebrew for "What's new?")]

[ Some laughs and cheers from the audience. ]

Mayor of Sderot: Welcome Miss Watson! I'm the mayor of Sderot. Hope you have a peaceful and Shalom-ful stay. Here is my card if you need anything.

EmWatson: Thank you, Mr. Mayor! I think I’ll have a glass of lemon juice somewhere - you and other people can join me if they like.

Mayor: Sure, that will be lovely. I should note that the Hamas announced a complete unilateral ceasefire today, but they didn't tell why and there’s very little risk that the Israeli force will hit Sderot, but be careful about these cars.

EmWatson: Yes, I will. Finally, I’d like to buy some of those “I {Heart} Sderot” T-shirts - small or medium sizes should be fine.

Mayor: Sure, we have some souvenir shops.

EmWatson: Super.

At the Restaurant

[ EmWatson, the Mayor, and some other people are sitting at a restaurant. EmWatson is wearing a “I ♥ Sderot” shirt. ]

EmWatson: Sports! Is there a basketball game by any chance? I love playing or watching basketball. Basketball is the kind of game that even if it’s a bad game, it’s still pretty good.

Mayor: I would have thought that you would prefer Football as an Englishwoman.

EmWatson: Well, I don’t. Anyway, if we can organise a basketball game, that would be great. One warning: I’m gonna cheer for both teams.

The Basketball Game

[ EmWatson is watching the basketball game still wearing the “I ♥ Sderot” shirt. ]

EmWatson: Heh, it’s not such a bad game. [There’s a score. She cheers.]

Yuval:[= Boy next to EmWatson] Yes, it’s a good game. So, Miss Watson? Where are you going to stay?

EmWatson: Well, I can always rent a room at a hotel but… I’ve been thinking of crashing into a host family and sleep on the sofa or in a spare bed room. It’s not always the most comfortable thing but I’m always a sucker for an adventure.

Yuval: Heh, we have a spare bedroom of my brother who is now in the IDF. I guess I can try talking my parents into hosting you. Do you want me to message them?

EmWatson: Sure, first-come first-served I guess.

[ Yuval uses his phone and types. A beep sounds. ]

Yuval: Yay! We’re in. We can also give you supper and breakfast.

EmWatson: Well, I’ll invite you all for supper on my expense in your favourite restaurant here, but we’ll have a dinner at your expense. And tomorrow I’ll go sight seeing around this area. The Sun here would be very good for my tan, heh. [Another score in the game.] Yay!

EmWatson: Your parents would be welcome to join me. You should probably go to school, and I’ll do a school trip the day after tomorrow.

Coverage

Links

Emma Watson Links

Selina Mandrake - The Slayer - a screenplay for a parody / reflection / antithesis / modernisation of Buffy the Vampire Slayer where I have some hopes of having Ms. Watson star as the protagonist, Selina.

If you like what you see here, or have any comments, suggestions, or corrections, feel free to E-mail me about it. I’d love to hear from you. If you have found what I did helpful or entertaining, please consider helping.