Can A Retreat Save Your Marriage?

Can A Retreat Save Your Marriage?

Can A Retreat Save Your Marriage?

A couples retreat can bring intimacy, renewal and healing if you've been neglected or feel betrayed

Laura was contemplating the end of her marriage. She and her husband Bill had been married for eighteen years, and had two young children. The marriage was not in a major crisis, but was definitely in ‘maintenance’ mode. Sex was once a month unless it was someone’s birthday. They barely spoke to each other unless it was about the kids And once lately she had walked in on Bill looking at pornography on the computer. aura wondered if their relationship was in a rut, or if her marriage was heading for divorce like half of her friends and neighbors.

They had tried couples therapy, but after several sessions, Bill felt like he was being blamed for their problems and had "promised to be a good boy." At this point Laura felt hopeless and confused. She wondered even if having an affair would change things. Is a failing marriage a result of long term monogamy or was there something deeper happening?

Then she saw Hope Springs, the movie with Meryl Streep where she and her husband attend a five day Intensive retreat with a couples therapist, that focused on both getting away from their daily lives and taking an intensive look at their marriage. Laura had an idea.

Maybe, like in the movies, she and Bill could go on a couples retreat. "Maybe somewhere tropical," she thought. She talked to Bill about a retreat destination that could offer a couples workshop as well as a beach, golf or scuba lessons, any incentive that might convince him to go with her. She wanted the therapy component as well, and hoped that if there was a sex therapy or sex enhancement class it might help them work on their dysfunctional communication.

Bill, to her surprise, agreed. "Of course I want to work on our marriage. And if we can do it in a week, and take a vacation too, why not?"

Laura and Bill found a Couples Workshop — mine. They came and spent the mornings in a small, intimate group with two other couples and worked on their marriage issues, and found ways to communicate about their needs. In the afternoon they went to the beach, took naps, and went sightseeing.

The tropical environment helped bring back the romance in their relationship and reminded them of why they loved one another and what made them come together in the first place. And with a seasoned guide to help them with their personal frustrations, they used the time to increase their intimacy and connection.

The workshop helped Bill and Laura. Can a couples retreat really help any couple looking for help?

A good couples retreat is basically a good couple’s workshop. It is most often run by a professional who has experience in the field of marriage and couple’s therapy and is licensed and certified to provide good therapeutic intervention. A couple’s retreat is different than a vacation or a luxury cruise, although they can be combined. Many times a couples retreat can be in an office, but it can just as easily be on a beach in Mexico or in a hut in Fiji. A real relationship retreat means spending time away from your regular life and working with a therapist to help the two of you focus exclusively on your relationship. Increasing your erotic connection, working through affairs and other hurts, or getting help for any relationship issues you are suffering from. The goal of the week, along with relaxing, is decreasing your overall stress levels.

Ellen and Bill really needed a retreat. Bill had recently admitted that he was unhappy in the marriage and was considering divorce for the second time. He suspected Ellen had been cheating but wasn’t sure. They signed up for a week long retreat. The couples retreat gave Ellen and Bill a chance to focus all of their energy on the relationship, got them out of their routine and moved them in the direction of a happier future. By day three of the retreat they decided to stay together and by day five were having sex for the first time in almost three years.

Deciding to save a marriage takes clarity. When you are close to home, trying to go to couples therapy once a week, the hour long interventions may not be enough. A week away from home where you can be totally focused on each other may be more effective at first. Going home and following up with couple’s therapy can then be the key to long lasting satisfaction.

The idea of retreat is important. A workshop can be a spiritual renewal that both of you need, particularly if there has been excessive strain on the relationship and stress in your life. A retreat in a beautiful and relaxing environment can reduce stress and give you a chance to decide if it is life that is stressing your relationship, or if it is the relationship itself that is causing the problems.

Why go on a couples retreat?

A week away to focus on your relationship, whether it is in town in a therapist’s office for three hours or far away in an exotic locale for a week is a journey into intimacy and a more connected partnership. In a setting designed to bring you closer, you can work through trauma; betrayal, hurt, anger, abandonment and fears. You may re-connect after years of distance and neglect. Or maybe you simply miss each other and want to spend some real quality time together improving your connection.

Nina and Peter were not in a crisis, but they didn't spend enough time together. Because of their work schedules they felt distant and spent very little intimate alone time because of their work obligations.

They decided to go on a couples retreat because it felt totally different than their everyday life. They found that the focused time together helped them to rebuild trust and created enough safety to share their feelings, something they hadn’t done in a long time. It was easier with a therapist and on the beach and in the tropical air.

To find out more about Couples Retreats, you can go to my website at www.drtammynelson.com. There are options. I offer a week long couples retreat in September in Fiji, and another in March in Puerto Vallarta, and there are other therapists that offer shorter or longer excursions around the world, in many beautiful destination places. Some have excursions included, some are ala carte.

The important thing to look for is the combined experience of good therapy for your relationship and a good environment where you can feel healed, relaxed and renewed.

You might also consider an Intensive — three hours to three days right here in my office in Connecticut, in New Haven or Ridgefield. Or find out more about how to get me to come to your area, I might be convinced to travel to you.

Most couples come back from couple’s retreats feeling whole and rejuvenated. Maybe it’s just what you need to get through your relationship issues. Put it on your wish list for this year.

Think that "frequent sex" or "frequent orgasms" are the secret to a happy, healthy sex life in marriage? Think again.

47% of YourTango experts say "soulful, intimate connection" is the key, with another 44% saying, "prioritizing pleasure for both partners." So skip the "Energizer Bunny" approach to 'getting it on' and slow down. Make it a habit of looking each other in the eye, more often.

It turns out connecting heart to heart first is the best path the most mind blowing orgasms.

77% of experts recommend that clients "connect emotionally before initiating sex," in order to sustain a sweet, steamy and mutually satisfying sex life and another 76% advocate "each partner asking for what you really want."

That means court each other outside the bedroom and speak up and share what turns you on between the sheets. After all, the most basic lesson we learn in life is: closed mouths don't get fed — apply that to your relationship — it never fails.

The verdict is in ... modern married couples are mixing it up in the bedroom (or at least, want to). Our YourTango experts report that 38% of couples have an interest in exploring an "open relationship/swinging"; 30% get hot and bothered by the idea of "BDSM and bondage"; and 26% want to "read erotica together."

If you're interests align with these couples, don't worry curiosity didn't really kill the cat. So, stop daydreaming and talk to your honey about how to make your fantasies a reality.

Ugh! Sorry ... it looks like Christian and Ana were 50 Shades of Bullsh*t.

62% of our YourTango experts believe that a relationship cannot thrive when one person has control, power, or dominance over the other partner.

But do keep in mind, as one expert said, that, "Exploring control/dominance themes in the sexual relationship is very different than encountering control and dominance in the relationship outside of sex. The first can enhance a sexual relationship; the latter will most likely be detrimental to it."

So maybe dabble in dominance and submission as bedroom role play, but outside the bedroom — equal power and mutual respect wins.

52% of our YourTango experts feel that "daily overwhelm and stress" is killing chemistry in the bedroom. So, hectic day at the office be damned, show your honey a little TLC each and every day, even if it's just hugging or a small moment of eye contact last a few seconds longer. Those little moments of connection go a long way to keeping the home fires burning hot!

And, in case you're curious, the second runner-up in this category is infidelity with 37% of experts naming it as a culprit to ruining couples' sex lives. So seriously ... find a little time for intimate connection with your partner to your day. It's an easier way to recharge your sex life than adultery.

News flash — your spouse (and their unique needs) do not suddenly become extinct once the two of you procreate. So stop assuming your duties as parents trump your "duties" as a spouse — they're not one in the same and you cannot treat them as such. 41% of our YourTango experts find "making the children a priority over your spouse" one of the most detrimental ways parenting kills sexual happiness in marriage.

However, 0% of experts believe that "lack of privacy" truly hinders sex in marriage (so quit using it as an excuse). So throw that "do not disturb" sign on, light the candles and enjoy a little parents-only romp around.

To kiss or not to kiss in front of the kiddos? What type of affectionate behavior do you think is appropriate to model in front of your children? After all, you're your child's best role model for a happy, healthy relationship, right?

Well, 94% of our YourTango experts believe "hugging, holding hands, quick peck kisses" are beneficial for the kids to see. "Prolonged embraces" are also OK. However, some experts suggested that while any "honest" act of affection can really be appropriate — with anything in life, the key is moderation.

So, maybe pass on the heavy petting and playful ass grabs. No matter how old you are, no child wants to see their parents doing that (it can do serious damage to little psyches). Spare your kids.

Only 3% of our YourTango experts believe infidelity is mainly caused by "lack of sex." What's the real culprit when spouses stray? 39% of experts believe THE leading cause of infidelity is "feeling unappreciated" in your marriage.

Does an affair mean your marriage is definitely over? 50% of our YourTango experts believe that, not only, can your marriage be salvaged after infidelity, it can transform into an even stronger connection than before.

Experts don't claim that path is easy, but do confidently say it's possible. Personally, we advocate working out your issues before anyone cheats.

53% of our YourTango experts say that, if forced to choose between the two, couples would prefer "just OK comfort sex anytime they want" versus 47% who said couples would prefer "mind-blowing, multi-orgasmic sex once a month."

Luckily, you don't have to choose so treat your partner right and enjoy the best of both worlds.

How much (in our social media "curate your reality" culture) does other people's belief that you're a fun, sexy couple with a great sex life contribute to a couple actually having a great sex? We asked our experts that very question and luckily ... it seems we've left our high school days behind us!

While there's still some pressure of being the "cool kids" of marriage. 53% of YourTango experts say that outside perception about your bedroom prowess and sexy couple chemistry "isn't important at all — if anything, the pressure can actually ruin your sex life."

Instead, an overwhelming 71% of our experts say that "resentment or unresolved conflict between partners" is the major cause of sexual connection fizzling.

Ladies and gentlemen, that's a fixable problem! And while another 41% of experts say "busy, stressful lifestyles" compound the problem ... with some counseling and a willing heart, it is entirely possible to rekindle that intimate spark between you again.

Yes, sex is truly important to sustain a happy, healthy marriage ... but far more goes into a satisfying sex life than just the physical act alone. So, what are the top three experts suggest couples do to maintain passion in your relationship for a lifetime?

38% say: "Prioritize couple alone time"

32% say: "Master connecting in the midst of normal daily chaos"

23% say: "Stay curious about one another"

We say — Do ALL three and you're sure to have a happy, dreamy, steamy sex life from your early courtship through your days in the old folks home. Cheers to making your "happily ever after" a reality!

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