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Thursday, September 29, 2016

Why Zach Galifianakis Should be Dead Already.

While it’s a pain in my arthritic fingers
to write about actors with long last names, I’ll make an
exception in the case of Zach Galifianakis–you know, the bearded guy in The
Hangoversssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.

Because Zach G. should be dead already.

A survey of contemporary obese film comedians
shows why.

John Belushi, the template for today’s fat
funnymen, had a brief film career (as a named
character), from Animal House in 1978 to Neighbors in
1981. That’s three years. He died after injecting a combination cocaine
and heroin.

Fellow overweight SNL alumni Chris
Farley first appeared on the silver screen in Coneheads (1993).
He last made audiences howl hysterically in Almost Heroes (1998).
Five years. He passed on after a night of snorting drugs with a hooker.

Canadian heavyweight John Candy outlasted them
both, from a role in Steven Spielberg’s 1941 (1979) to Michael Moore’s
Canadian Bacon in 1995. An amazing 16 years of celluloid chuckles. A
heart attack brought him down.

Which brings us to the talented Zach G. While few paid
attention, Zach was in 3 movies in 2001, including the infamous Corky
Romano. Audiences fell in love with the bearded laugh-producer
in 2009′s The Hangover, a torrid affair that will continue, I'm sure, through this year’s Masterminds. That’s 15 years.

Zach G.: 15 and counting. Which means he has
already outlasted his three predecessors by seven years. Is Zach G. living on
borrowed time? Audiences and this pundit hope not.

However, as one wag from the Other Side warned me,
“Ever since Belushi, overweight comics have felt pressured to please demanding
fans by indulging their every whim, from binge-eating to copious
drinking, illicit drug use and wild sex romps. More than ever, audiences want
fat stars to live large and exhibit a devil-may-care attitude towards their health
and well-being.

“They need their flabby funny guys to enjoy
being slobs. Zach G. has a long track record of hilarious performances. But unless Zach can resist public pressure, he’ll be joining
Belushi, Candy and Farley in the Afterlife soon.”