Chancellor Woodson, board of trustees, faculty, staff, thank you for the opportunity to speak today. It’s a real honor to be here.

You students are doubtlessly aware of my heroic athletic exploits with the Wolfpack. From what I understand, learning about about my legacy is a required part of freshman orientation. I can only pray that my shining example helped to inspire you through the rigors of your time here at NC State. Now, some so-called experts claim that when I was here, I never beat shit-ass Maryland, but those are lies of the worst sort and they are propagated by heathens and charlatans. Pay them no mind.

The purpose of my visit is not to dwell on my glorious past. Rather, it is the future to which we will turn our attention. For me, the future will continue to be sanctified and storied. For you, the road ahead has yet to be defined. For some, that road will be level, well-marked and lead straight to a blessed life. For others, it will be disastrously rocky. You will lose you way, careen down an embankment, smash your face on the dashboard and, should you survive, be lucky enough that you can suck enough trucker dick to fetch a ride back to town. This second option is what I can the road of the non-believer. You don’t want that one.

I agreed to come back when I heard that North Carolina had banned gay people. Later, I found out it was just gay marriage the state has banned, but by then I was told that my flight was not refundable. There’s a handy lesson, kids: do your legwork. It pays off. Nevertheless, true to my word and my principles, I stuck to it and still showed up. For that, I can feel the satisfaction of carrying out a job that is asked of me. Also, I can collect the $300,000 honorarium that the university is contractually obligated to furnish me with. The rewards you reap in life will likely, well, certainly, be not as handsome, but that does not mean you too should not follow through on your commitments.

Faith. Family. Football. It is these three abiding themes that have come to define who I am. As you graduates venture out into the world, you will soon discover the overridding themes that will one day explain who you are. For example, there are the teammates, coaches and executives who rely on my immense talents to guide the fortunes of the San Diego Chargers. For them, it is Faith, Family and FREELOADING. Why do any of the messy work when you can just count on one guy to do it all? WHY ELSE WOULD YOU JUST LET ALL MY RECEIVERS AND TINY DARREN LEAVE THE TEAM? RYAN MATHEWS IS SATAN’S RANKEST QUEEF AND I AM CURSED WITH HIM BECAUSE OF INCOMPETENCE.

There are many passages from the Bible from which I draw guidance and inspiration, in particular, the ones about not spilling your seed upon the ground or men laying down with other men. But I will close today with a quote that will deliver blessings unto you:

“And I tell you, ask and you will receive; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives; and the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.”

“Take heart North Carolina State, someday one of my genetically perfect sons, who will of course not be as good as the one and only Laserface, will be your quarterback and lead you into the top half of the ACC. Show ‘em what you got boy.”

/River’s son throws football, its trajectory is charted in the diagram to the left

“I’m proud of you boy, someday you’ll grow up to be so much more awesomer than these dickweed cockwallets sitting here today”.