Build The Relationship You WANT

When you hear the expression, “Love is blind,” what do you normally think of first?Do you conjure up an image of blind dates from hell? Does it bring up a rationale for overlooking something about someone (or yourself) that you really ought not to be overlooking? Is it a pathway to be able to find something to love in your partner that drives you batty more often than not? Maybe it’s the phrase you use to truly believe that love is enough to overcome anything and everything.

What I find a lot in my work wtih couples is that “love is blind” would be more accurately stated as “love is important enough to stay blind, so you don’t lose it and don’t look where it might be uncomfortable.”

When couples get together, there’s so much of the initial infatuation/lust that truly is blind…you can start feeling such strong emotions and drives without really having much of a clear sense of why you feel that way…you just do. The feelings are SO strong, we let them carry us away and transport us to an emotionally and hormonally driven run down a semi-blind trajectory to what we’re sure will be romantic Nirvana. But, sure as Carter’s got liver pills, when that bio-chemical fever dream wears off, you get down to where the rubber really meets the road…building, growing, and nurturing a thriving relationship versus a “good” one…which is what most people I see have come to settle for.

This is where love can’t afford to be blind. Whether you’ve been together for 3 years or 30, I’ve found that one of the single biggest causes of relationship discord is what you don’t say…and, not so much what you don’t say to your partner, but what you’re not saying to yourself first!

Most couples I’ve met, when they really dig down into the truth within themselves, have KNOWN their relationship was not in great shape. Yet, by the time things have gotten bad enough to actively (and often desparately) seek help, the stagnancy has already gotten pretty thick, often with a high level of resentment to go with it…resentment that often can be the death knell to possibility and to the relationship itself.

Why is that, you may be wondering (or not)?

In my opinion, it’s often due to a few key factors that are consistent among most couples that I’ve helped out:

You’re terrified of pain

You don’t want to see what you don’t want to see in yourself (good, as well as not so good, by the way)

You’ve gotten complacent with where you are in your life, and aren’t willing to risk discomfort by challenging status quo

Your fear has lulled you into believing that a good relationship isn’t one that’s great, but is one that doesn’t suck…period, or more than it has in the past.

You’ve forgotten that you have the inherent strength to stare change squarely in the eye and embrace it as the only alternative to being part of the walking dead or numb, even if it scares the wee-wee out of you.

I certainly can say that any or all of these have been factors that have been part of where I’ve been astonished at what I haven’t seen until it’s blown up in my face and/or others’.

One key way to avoid this, or start turning it around, is to decide that, as Eckhart Tolle said, “Evolve or die” has proven to be demonstrated in so many areas of life and the world. that it is actually true…and, that your relationship is not an exception.

If you choose to operate accordingly, then you will see that rigorous honesty must be combined with an equally huge commitment to never allowing the thought “I don’t want to upset them” to be the centerpiece of how you show up – and how you don’t – in your relationship.

What you don’t say to your partner to avoid bad feelings or conflict…start looking at what you’re not wanting to upset in yourself, challenge that, and start trusting your love for each other more than you trust the fear of risking pain.

When it comes to both life and relationship happiness, I’ve come to see that one of the greatest sources of what I would deem unnecessary suffering is how focused so many of us are on getting. That’s not an unconsciously incomplete sentence…”getting” is deliberately being used as a verb, because – in so many ways – most of what you DO each day, whether conscious or not, is about getting, isn’t it? Aren’t a lot of your days (one way or the other) about getting ahead, getting caught up, getting the right love partner, getting the right job, getting enough money to not have to worry about survival, getting happier, getting more sex, getting thinner, getting numb, ad nauseum?

The rest of what Rev. Beckwith says in the above quote is that what we’re here to LET is our Soul…that we’re here to let our Soul, and its purpose, emerge. I add to that that it has to follow its natural trajectory of expansion, which happens when it gets as fully expressed internally and externally – as often as possible. More than contemplating your navel and dreaming of Porsches appearing at your curb like The Secret film said you could, this path being deliberately pursued with commitment is much more likely to bring you what you really wish for in your life and in your relationships.

So, easy for me to say, but what makes it so challenging to be on a regular basis? Your relationship to F.E.A.R., the most insidious alphabet soup that you swim in so much of the time, whether you know it or not. F.E.A.R. tweaks everything…how you talk, how you listen, how you choose, how you decide what to choose, and how much of your time you’ll spend trying to get instead of letting your Spirit run, guide, and infuse the show.

There are two versions of this acronym I like a lot that really speak to the point of this article: False Energies Appearing Real and Forgetting That Everything’s All Right. When you’re afraid, your mind desperately wants to get rid of that fear, even though it’s the mind that usually creates that fear. Our lizard brain is so hard-wired to look for the next threat, that it doesn’t really know what to do with itself when things are going well for too long. Then, it wants to create and exert control.

One of the best strategies for which (to the ego-mind) is to try to predict the future and then have you believe you can and MUST make it happen. When you get sucked into that rabbit hole, you are working harder, more focused on whatever it is (including an inner state) that you’re trying to GET to/acquire, your level of presence goes to hell, and you forget that everything just may actually be more than alright. Then, the false energies appearing real kind of thoughts that are telling you “Things are good now, but what happens when…?” ignite even more of the forgetting that everything’s alright kind of thoughts, and off you go into trying to make them all right. See what an exhausting cycle that is? So, what to do instead?

You need to re-connect with what it is you’re here to LET out, to LET emerge. What are the qualities of your essence and core truths that, when not lived and expressed, make you even more miserable than not getting all the other stuff you’re trying and working so hard to get (or NOT get)? What are the aspects of you that are alive and dynamic whether you’ve got money or not? Whether you have enough stuff or not? Make a list of them. For example, for me, my compassion is first and foremost on that list. That is such an integral part of my Soul’s nature that to not be connected to it and give it freely, no matter what, is painful for me. It also makes me feel miserable, particularly when I’m denying myself that compassion (sound familiar?).

Then, once you have the list, see where/how your pursuit of getting is blocking the qualities on your list getting let out. Once you start looking at things that way, you allow your heart a pathway into a different kind of collaboration with your mind…one that can evolve into a partnership, rather than a competition. Pick one thing on your list each day that, before you make your mundane To-Do list (that you never seem to have time to get done anyway) you’ll take on bringing committed focus to letting out. If you don’t know how to do that, then focus on paying attention to where you’re going to do something or prioritize something that’s going to prevent the letting…then, make a different choice.

What do you have to lose that you’re not already losing by focusing on F.E.A.R. and getting?

It’s kind of a funny thing, that expression “It scared me to death.” In my work with people, and in my own personal life, one of the biggest components of happiness, success, obstacles, or challenges always seems to boil down to one thing: FEAR. Now, you may think you know what fear means…you certainly know what it feels like…but let me paraphrase a definition I like a lot: False Energies Appearing Real. I have come to see that one of the biggest obstacles to peace and healthy relationships is FEAR.

So, in thinking about how many times I’ve said, “I’m scared to death to do….,” or “I think I’ll do that later, because I’m just scared to death of what might happen,“…or, “I’ll talk with him/her next week, because I’m scared to death of how they might react (That one sound familiar to those of you out there with spouses/partners?)”, I realized that a major shift in perspective is so essential for us to really have what we want. This is certainly true in romantic relationships, but particularly relevant to our success in life, in general, as well.

What if, instead of relating to the fears we have as stops, we used them as indicators and signs of positive actions & directions ready to happen?

I have so often used fear to stop me, not catching on to the opportunity the fear is presenting me to take the next step(s) towards greatness…great results in my business, great health, and/or even greater levels of connection to my wife, who I’ve been with for 28 years now. A coach I work with reminded me that, if you’re really scared, it’s a sure sign you’re ready to grow exponentially. Oy! I’ve always interpreted it to mean it’s time to stop and/or wait…until it’s safe. Wait until there’s enough control. Or, wait until I’m SURE that the result is predictable and assured. At 52, I have gotten old enough – and, presumably wiser – to look back and see how many opportunities for love, wealth, connection, and peace have been missed because I was relating to my fear the wrong way.

So, my offering to you today is: stop letting feel scared to death stop you (unless such a level of fear’s attached to the reality of an oncoming car making its way towards your certain annihilation unless you move out the way); instead, try spending a day (just for starters!) being committed – NO MATTER WHAT – to being Scared Back To Life.