MUNCIE, Indiana – In a speech delivered at a neo-Nazi bake sale today in West Virginia, Donald Trump openly and frankly acknowledged that he is losing to Hillary Clinton in the race for the White House.

“People are saying that I am a pathetic loser with low ratings,” Trump painfully admitted as he bit into a cupcake.

“I’m not saying this,” Trump continued. “People are saying it.”

“They could be right, they could be wrong. Who knows? I don’t know. People are saying this, not me,” said Trump.

Trumps admissions of “low ratings” is apparently a reference to all polls showing Trump far behind Hillary Clinton in the electoral votes needed to win in November and Trumps reference to “people” appears to be the opinions of his own election staff.

“The Orange God is losing big time,” said Trump campaign official Trip Henderson on the condition of anonymity.

Trip Henderson

“He is losing with the coons. He is losing with women, even the ones who aren’t lesbos or bitches.”

Not Voting for Trump

“He is losing with wetbacks, even the ones who aren’t criminals and rapists. He is losing with fags and queers, even the ones who don’t dress and talk funny. He is losing with Jews, even the good ones. He is losing with the gooks, even the ones that know how to drive. He is barely winning with whites when all of them should be supporting him because Trump is a member of their race,” said Henderson. “Frankly, I’ve sent my resume to the Aryan Nation, the KKK and the American Nazi Party and hope there is a job opening available in Idaho, Oklahoma, Alabama or West Virginia.”

Not all of those in Trump’s inner circle have given up hope. “The polls aren’t telling the truth,” said Trump’s new campaign manager and paranoid schizophrenic, Kellyanne Conway.

Kellyanne Conway

“Donald Trump performs consistently better in online polling where a human being is not talking to another human being about what he or she may do in the elections … it’s become socially desirable, especially if you’re a college educated person in the US, to say that you’re against Donald Trump,” said Conway.

Conway believes that millions upon millions of Americans are secretly racist, misogynistic homophobes who lie to anonymous pollsters on the phone when they say they hate Trump.

“The voices in my head assure me that these lying liars will vote for Trump in November,” said Conway as she used copious amounts of hand sanitizer to “keep the bugs away.”

“The “undercover” Trump voter is an example of irrational magical thinking,” said Dr. Krista Schnurstein, Director of the Institute of Political Analysis. “To win the election, Trump needs to convince minority voters who despise him to vote for him. He cannot win without their support,” said Schnurstein.

Trump plans to do just that. “My Lord and Master, Donald Trump the First, has a plan for wooing black voters that is sure fire,” said Donald Trump protégé Omarosa Manigault, who appears to be African-American.

Omarosa Manigault

“He will win black voters the same way he won white voters – by inflaming race hatred,”Manigault said before revealing the word “Trump” branded on her posterior. “This means he owns me,” Manigault explained.”

According to Manigault, Trump’s strategy for winning over black voters is to encourage their hatred for white people, especially what Trump refers to as “white trash.”

“Those who inhabit the White underclass are despicable,” said Trump spokesperson Leroy Jefferson. “They are uneducated, unemployed, pathologically violent, lazy welfare cheats with no sense of rhythm living in ghettos called “trailer parks” who are taking jobs away from the blacks.”

“We need to build a wall around Idaho, Oklahoma, Alabama and West Virginia until we can figure out what the hell is going on,” said Jefferson.

“And they can’t jump,” Jefferson added. “And they can’t spell.”

Despite these plans, Trump himself appears to be unconvinced of his chances against Hillary Clinton in November.

“I am hearing people on the internets saying that I am a pathetic loser with low ratings. Believe me,” said Trump at a recent rally in Lincoln, Nebraska.

Trump in Nebraska doing his famous “Mexican Ferret” impression.

“They are saying that I flip flopped on my plan to deport all illegal immigrants. I’m not saying this. People are saying it. Who knows? I haven’t denied it. Why haven’t I denied it? Do I have something to hide? I don’t know if I do. Maybe I don’t. Maybe I do. But reliable sources looking into this can’t believe what they are seeing. Believe me. They say my tax returns show I am a bad businessman, a billion dollars in debt, that I donated to NAMBLA – the North American Man/Boy Love Association – believe me, that’s what NAMBLA means. That’s what it means. And that I went on an all-male cruise with Vladimir Putin using money I collected for veterans.”

“If I did that’s fine. It’s fine. It’s okay. I don’t know. But if I didn’t then I should deny it. And if I don’t deny it then that means I did it. Okay?”

Reliable sources confirm that Trump will also attempt to win the Irish vote by promising that everyone named “Cromwell” will be deported. The same sources say Trump plans on appealing to Jewish voters by attacking “stupid goyum buying furniture from a catalogue.”

SANFORD, Fla. – Mitt Romney’s final event in the Sunshine State struck an optimistic tone when he told a white, uneducated crowd of supporters – 90 percent of which are unemployed and have no health insurance – that a “better tomorrow, tomorrow” awaits them.

The enthusiam of the crowd — which chanted “kill the niggers and jews!” — appeared to energize Romney, as he took a detour from his prepared remarks.

“Tomorrow, we begin a new tomorrow,” he said. “We can begin a better tomorrow tomorrow, and with the help of the people in Florida, that’s exactly what’s going to happen tomorrow.”

“‘Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow’ summarizes the stupidity of the American political process,” Colbert said. “It is the perfect satire of vapid, meaningless political slogans. How can I continue using that as the slogan for my parody super pac if it becomes an actual vapid, meaningless political slogan said as part of Romney’s attempt to fool people into voting for him?”

“This is a theft of intellectual property, that’s what it is,” Colbert continued. “Romney has diluted my trademarked joke by using it as an actual slogan, hoping to persuade stupid people to vote for him. He has drained all of the value out of what was a very clever and funny – and very trademarked – joke.”

[In this frankly fictitious interview, Congressman Paul Ryan – Mitt Romney’s choice for Vice President – talked with People of Earth about his recent refusal to discuss Mitt’ Romney’s tax proposals because it would take too long to explain.]

PEOPLE OF EARTH: Congressman Ryan, let’s cut to the chase. You recently appeared on Fox News and refused to discuss yours and Mitt Romney’s tax proposals because it would take too long to explain.

RYAN: That’s right. When Mitt Romney and I are elected, within the first 100 days of our first term in office we will cut every American’s taxes by 20%.

POE: How will you do that?

RYAN: We will do it by closing tax loopholes.

POE: Which ones?

RYAN: Isn’t America great, Paul?

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POE: Hold on. Let’s not get distracted.

RYAN: What? Do you deny that America is the greatest nation the world has ever seen?

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POE: About your tax proposals –

RYAN: It’s about freedom, Paul.

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The freedom to die in the street.

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POE: Congressman Ryan, I will talk with you about freedom later –

RYAN: Freedom is great.

POE: No argument there. But –

RYAN: It is great to be free.

POE: How would you cut taxes 20% for all Americans?

RYAN: Could you repeat the question?

POE: How would you cut taxes 20% for all Americans?

RYAN: We would do it by eliminating tax loopholes.

POE: Which ones?

RYAN: Which ones what?

POE: Which tax loopholes would you eliminate to cut every American’s taxes by 20%?

RYAN: We would cut a lot of them.

POE: Yes, but which ones?

RYAN: Well, it would take a lot of time to answer that question, Paul, so I would rather not do it.

POE: We have all the time in the world. Please feel free to explain.

RYAN: I have many demands on my time. I am busy trying to save America from being destroyed by a secret Muslim socialist baby killer.

POE: Clearly, you are a busy man. So let’s use what time we have left hearing your explanation of how you and Mitt Romney are going to cut taxes by closing tax loopholes.

RYAN: The explanation involves a lot of math.

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POE: Do you understand the math?

RYAN: I sure do! I have the reputation in congress of being a number cruncher.

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“I TOTALLY crunched these numbers, you crunching mother cruncher!”

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POE: Good, then why don’t you explain what you understand?

RYAN: Because, even though I understand it – because I am real smart – it would take too long for you to understand it.

POE: I am real smart, too.

RYAN: Not as smart as me.

POE: I have advanced degrees in mathematics and economics.

RYAN: There still isn’t enough time for me to explain it.

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POE: So you just want America to take it on faith that you are right – without any explanation before the election.

RYAN: Bingo. On the nose. Yes, exactly.

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POE: But why should we believe you? You lied to us about running a marathon in record time.

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RYAN: (Laughing) yeah, I did lie about that, didn’t I? But this is different. I’m telling the truth here. Mitt and I have a great plan to cut taxes by closing tax loopholes and it is a great plan but it is too complex for the average voter to understand.

RYAN: Sure it does.

POE: No it doesn’t. People use tax loopholes to cut their taxes, to pay less tax. Eliminating a tax loophole will increase the taxes for people who rely on those loopholes. So by eliminating tax loopholes you are just shifting the tax burden from one group to another. Some may see a tax decrease, but others will see a tax increase.

RYAN: Not if you cut spending. If you cut spending, then the tax reductions won’t increase the deficit because we are spending less than we are taking in overall.

POE: You are talking about trillions of dollars in spending cuts.

RYAN: (Pausing) uh huh.

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POE: What spending are you going to cut?

RYAN: Isn’t America great, Paul?

POE: Don’t change the subject. True or false: you are proposing huge tax cuts for the richest Americans.

RYAN: Can you repeat the question?

POE: Yes or no: you are proposing huge tax cuts for the richest Americans.

RYAN: You changed the question from “true or false” to “yes or no.”

POE: I did that to make it easier for you to answer. Here is the question again – yes or no: you are proposing huge tax cuts for the richest Americans.

RYAN: Yes.

POE: Yes or no: without an increase in taxes or, in the alternative, a cut in spending, cutting taxes for the wealthy will cause further budget deficits.

RYAN: We prefer to call rich people “job creators.”

POE: My question, again is – yes or no: without tax increases or spending reductions, cutting taxes for the wealthy will cause further budget deficits.

RYAN: Yes. President Obama failed to –

POE: Yes or no: if elected, you will not cut military spending, corporate welfare, tax breaks for oil companies, or federal give-aways to red states with Republican majorities, but will, instead, cut education funding, food and safety regulations, entitlement programs for the poor and elderly.

RYAN: No, that isn’t true. We are going to save Medicare and social security.

POE: But the rest is true?

RYAN: (Pausing) yes, but we are going to save Medicare and Social Security.

POE: How are you going to do that.

RYAN: It would take too long to explain.

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POE: Yes or no: you intend on “saving” Medicare and Social Security by privatizing them.

RYAN: Yes, but we won’t be making any changes that will affect any people currently retired or about to retire.

POE: What about people like me who have paid taxes our whole lives into the Medicare and Social Security system but who aren’t going to retire for at least ten years?

RYAN: Oh. Well, people like you are shit out of luck.

POE: How so?

RYAN: By the time you retire, the Medicare and Social Security systems as we now know them will have been abolished and replaced by a voucher system where every American gets a flat payment they can use for retirement living expenses or medical care. Or they can invest that money in the stock market and become rich the way Mitt Romney and his rich friends have.

POE: What if the stock market crashes after I converted my retirement and health care vouchers into stock?

RYAN: Shit out of luck.

POE: What if I keep the money, but my living expenses and medical care are higher than what the voucher covers?

RYAN: Shit out of luck. But so what? That’s your fault for not working harder and saving more, or, if your stock investments tank, its your fault for not having enough money to hire expensive investment advisors like the kind Mitt Romney and I have to help us know when the stock market is going to crash so we can take our money out before that happens and make huge profits off of the backs of people like you who can’t afford the same level of financial advice and so couldn’t get their money out of the market before it crashes. And it is going to crash. It always crashes.

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RYAN: That’s how people like Mitt and me make our money. We buy low after a crash, then sell high right before the next crash. This process essentially takes money out of your pocket and puts it in ours. And we didn’t have to do anything other than hire someone to tell us when to buy and when to sell – people you can’t afford to hire. The free market is a beautiful thing. We get rid of Medicare and Social Security and give you a check instead to invest in the stock market. Then we take that money the government gave you when the stock market crashes and you lose that money you invested – to us! We get richer, and better able to pay for the advice we need to do it again, and you get poorer and less able to pay for the kind of financial advice you need to avoid being a victim to the financial game that we are essentially forcing you to play but that we fixed to benefit us at your disadvantage!

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RYAN: When the US government encouraged people to gamble with their retirement money by investing it in the stock market it resulted in the biggest redistribution of wealth from the middle class to the upper class in history! We can do the same thing with Medicare and Social Security, and the beauty part is that these “vouchers” will be paid for with tax money – middle class tax money – being snatched out of the hands of elderly Americans and sucked right into the offshore tax sheltered secret bank accounts of the wealthy!

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It’s socialism in reverse! Instead of redistributing wealth downward from the rich back to the poor, it redistributes wealth upward!

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POE: So that is how you are going to save Medicare and Social Security?

RYAN: Yup.

POE: By destroying it and replacing it with a voucher system that favors the rich at the expense of the middle class and poor?

RYAN: We prefer the term “reform.”

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POE: A distinction without a difference.

RYAN: That is free market economics, baby! It is what made American great. Well, to be honest – and, as we’ve determined in this interview, honesty does not come easy to me – free market economics made some Americans great, but not all. And for a good reason. Someone has to be so afraid of starving to death and dying of preventable disease to work for near starvation wages and be grateful for it in order for a very small group of people who don’t work at all to be super rich forever.

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If they get hungry enough, they will be satisfied with less.

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RYAN: That is how every system that allowed a small group of people to get rich and stay rich has worked through the ages. Something went wrong here in America, but Mitt and I – joined with a Senate and House of Representatives controlled by social conservatives – will set it right. I mean, look at China! They have what we want: a huge group of serfs without health insurance of any kind working hard for virtually nothing to make less than 1% of the Chinese population rich!

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RYAN: Sure, you get the occasional peasant riot in factories, that are more like prisons with barbed wire fences and guard towers around them, but look at how the Chinese deal with those ingrates – they round them up, throw them in real prisons where they make them work, this time for no pay, and then sell their internal organs to rich people all over the world who get the best medical care their money can pay for so they can live on virtually forever.

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RYAN: Look at Dick Cheney! He should have died years ago. For a while he didn’t even have a heartbeat! But he is rich! We are so close. So close to getting that for everyone who counts, who matters – the job creators.

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RYAN: It is so close. But with voter suppression efforts, voter vigilante gangs that will harass minority voters at the polls, and with the grace of God, we will win this election and the revolution will be an accomplished fact. This may be our last chance. If Obama wins, he will improve education, which means the average voter is more likely to see through the bullshit I am spouting and realize that I want to use Big Government to make me and my rich friends even richer and to impose an economic system on America that is the modern equivalent of feudalism where workers have no rights and the poor are free to die, and where the wealthy ruling class uses modern technology to suppress dissent by listening to phone calls and reading emails and text messages to find the potential leaders of any popular revolt and have them arrested because they are terrorists trying to overthrow the political system oppressing and enslaving them.

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RYAN: We are so close. Everything is in place. We have the legislation we need to suppress dissent. The vast majority of the population is now dependent on electronic means of communications like phones and the internet; there are CCTV cameras everywhere, which means we have everyone under surveillance. We control the Supreme Court. The Press is now irrelevant as a watchdog. We are about to take over congress and the executive office. We won’t get a chance like this again for a generation, if ever. So this is it. We have to take advantage of a stupid, undereducated electorate before steps are taken to teach them critical thinking skills.

I’ve made no secret of my opinion that Mitt Romney is the wrong man at the right time to run for POTUS. The time is definitely right: Obama should be easily defeated. He is an unpopular president serving during a severe economic crisis that really hasn’t improved enough to get him re-elected. Only Franklin Delano Roosevelt succeeded in obtaining a second term under similar circumstances, and Obama is no Roosevelt.

So the time is right. But Romney is the wrong man. I don’t agree with Rick Santorum on much, but I agree with him when he stated during those ridiculous GOP debates that Romney “is the worst Republican in the country to put up against Barack Obama.”

Santorum knew what we all now know – that Romney is a political opportunist: a rich guy who dabbles in politics as a hobby, who doesn’t really believe in anything and is willing to say anything and do anything to get elected. A recent example of how far Mitt Romney is willing to debase himself to get votes is his recent admissionhthat he admires Snooky.l

And he isn’t really all that smart. He makes George W. Bush look like a genius. Let me give you just one example. Here is something Romney said at a campaign rally:

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This quote is worth repeating just so there is no doubt about just how stupid it is:

“I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that is the America millions of Americans believe in.”

This statement is a whole lot more perplexing than anything Bush ever said, including the Bush line about “how hard it is to put food on your family.” That was a slip of the tongue. Romney’s circular and nonsensical statement about what he believes was not a slip of the tongue: it was an example of what is going on inside of Romney’s head.

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[Look at it this way: John McCain had a choice between Romney and Sarah Palin for his running mate, and he chose Palin. Does that tell you anything?]

Santorum realized this about Romney. I knew it. Others did, too. Yet Romney won the nomination.

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Why? Because he does best when he faces no competition. His opponents dropped out of the primary races because they couldn’t compete with Romney’s ability to put out pre-vote advertising. Romney won the nomination because he was able to outspend his impoverished competitors – which is exactly the way he made money buying and breaking up smaller companies when he ran Bain Capital. He won from a position of overwhelming financial advantage (the story of his life).

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More importantly, Romney won the nomination because he had the support of right wing media and news outlets like Fox News that habitually overlooked and even excused his failings.

Those two conditions have changed. Romney is now facing vigorous competition. He is losing because he is no longer the richest guy in the race. Obama’s money machine is generating as much if not more than Romney – even though Romney is getting huge donations from billionaires. So Obama can match Romney’s political advertising.

And the support he received from right wing media is beginning to crumble. Joe Scarborough is an extremely conservative Fox News pundit who has, in the past, been one of Romney’s chief apologists. Not anymore. When Mitt Romney tried to politicize the deaths of American diplomats in Libya by criticizing Obama’s response as being too soft, for “sympathizing with terrorists” by refusing to link Islam with terror, Scarborough said:

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And when Romney made matters worse by doubling down on his criticism of Obama’s handling of the murders, Scarborough said:

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This is the sign of a sea change. It is the beginning of the popular recognition that, even if Romney could win, he doesn’t deserve to win.

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And when other right wing news outlets like the Washington Times and the Wall Street Journal find the courage to say the same thing, Romney’s candidacy is doomed.

Americans are fairly sure they want to replace Obama. But we are increasingly convinced we don’t want to hire Romney as Obama’s replacement. A large majority of Americans believe Obama hasn’t done a good job. But we are not prepared to fire him and hire the one guy who is applying for the position.

Hating Obama is no longer enough. “Anybody but Obama” is no longer a viable political slogan. The character and intelligence of the man who replaces him matters, and Romney’s character and intelligence are not up to the task.

It is a mistake to back this man. Doing so will end up destroying the GOP. I do mean destroy. If Republicans continue to support Romney, and he loses (which is likely) the GOP will break apart into smaller “rump” political parties.

This political season has been a disaster. We need to accept that. Like Romney, doubling down on a losing bet is just plain stupid. Republicans need to concentrate on keeping the House of Representatives and winning a majority in the Senate – and reform the internal mechanisms of the GOP to make sure that, in the next election, the GOP fields a viable candidate.