7 Things Every Basic Bitch Needs On Her Birthday

There are a few important events that happen annually. The holiday season comes around, and with it comes drunk relatives, awkward questions, and an easy 10+ pound weight gain. New semesters, filled with big/little drama, pushy exec boards, and power-hungry standards members. And, finally, the most important of all: the birthday. Your birthday.

While everything else in our miserable lives is important, it all pales in comparison to our birthdays. Naturally, my birthday is the most important, but whatever. I’ll play nice. The point is, our birthdays are like Christmas mixed with Bid Day mixed with Mardi Gras mixed with the worst hangover you’ve ever had in your life. It’s that important. So, planning the big event is no easy feat. And while everyone has their own style for making a seemingly normal day about them, there are a few key components for making it a day you definitely won’t remember.

1. A Theme

Remember that awesome non-themed party you went to? The one where everyone wore their normal clothes, drank normal drinks, and got a normal amount of likes on Instagram? Yeah, me neither. On your birthday, the one night of the year when things are absolutely, truly about you (even though we act like that’s every day), it’s the time to truly make this event about yourself. Have everyone dress up like Harry Potter characters. How about in wigs? Hell, just cut to the chase and just have everyone dress up like you for the event. Whichever route you choose, it needs to be firmly, absolutely, 100 percently about you.

2. A Motive

Yeah, we know the motive is to celebrate you. But like, let’s be real — it’s more than that. Do you want your ex to see how hot and happy you look in all of your friends’ snaps? How about validation on social media as you break your current like record? Are you trying to get the attention of the guy who you’ve been casually stalking all semester? Whatever it is, define your motive and do everything in your power to make it happen. Invite your ex’s friends out to the bar that night, or wear your sluttiest outfit and spend three days thinking of your caption. Whatever you have to do, make it your mission to accomplish your motive as a special birthday present to yourself.

3. Free Everything

I’m sorry, do they even know who you are? If you pay for your Uber, your dinner, your drinks, or your late-night pizza that you’ll inevitably throw up due to all of the free shots, you have shitty friends. Your birthday is the day when everything is free for you, no matter how much debt it gets your friends (read: your friends’ parents into). I mean, not that things aren’t usually free for you, but you get what I mean. So, keep your credit card firmly in your wallet and just sit pretty, because drinks will absolutely not be on you.

4. The Best Outfit

Naturally, having a themed event (which you are having, right?), means that all of your attention-starved friends are going to dress their best. Your one with the big tits is going to flaunt her cleavage, and the one with the long, mermaid hair is going to work her magic. That said, it should not only be respected but assumed, that you will, undoubtedly, look the best. And if someone even thinks about competing with you, all it takes is a side eye and an artfully spilled drink to make her think twice before showing up next time in a bodycon you have no hope in rocking.

5. All The Attention

I’m sorry. Did I stutter?

6. The Knowlege That The Girl You Hate Is Jealous Of You

You know, the girl who stole your boyfriend in high school? How about that bitch who made out with your formal date, then proceeded to hook up with him for the rest of the semester? Or the girl who, despite the fact that she’s nice and funny and pretty, you just hate her with every fiber of your being for no real reason? Yeah. That bitch. If, for some reason, the knowledge that your birthday (and your life) is perfect, got back to her and she was delightfully jealous, well, there’s nothing more you can ask for. While this is the hardest to accomplish out of everything on this list, it doesn’t change the fact that if there’s one thing we’d all wish for when blowing out our candles, it’s causing the severe unhappiness of our enemies. Ah, a girl can dream.

7. Foil Balloons

Hey, no matter what else the day has, it better at least include some gold, numbered balloons. That’s just like, the rules of feminism.

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Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.