NERCHINSK, RUSSIA—Quickly unlocking one cell door after another as he shuffled down the dimly lit hallway in his tattered prison-issued jumpsuit, a gaunt, weathered Secretary of State John Kerry led an inmate uprising Tuesday in a remote Siberian labor camp, sources confirmed.

HAWIJA, IRAQ—Responding to his captors’ demands that he divulge who he is and what he was doing in the region, kidnapped journalist Tim Cascella reportedly found himself Thursday having to explain to several ISIS militants what BuzzFeed News is.

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

VATICAN CITY—Receiving protection against chemical, environmental, and immoral hazards in the workplace, Pope Francis reportedly began wearing a miter fitted with a hard polycarbonate faceshield this week to comply with the Vatican’s new health and safety standards.

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

PYONGYANG—Experiencing a deep sense of nostalgia while sifting through the stack of old papers, North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un reportedly stumbled onto childhood drawings Monday that he had made of nuclear attacks on the West.

VATICAN CITY—In an effort to strengthen their relationship and foster interfaith dialogue, Pope Francis reportedly welcomed the winged Mayan snake god Kukulkan to the Vatican this week as part of a month-long deity exchange program.

WASHINGTON—In an effort to improve America’s ranking in the global technology sector, the U.S. Department of Education unveiled a new STEM initiative Friday designed to discourage students in other countries from choosing careers in science and math.

‘Time For Work,’ Says German Chancellor

ATHENS, GREECE—Following a sudden high-pitched squeal of audio feedback, the 11 million citizens of Greece were reportedly woken up at 6 a.m. Wednesday by German chancellor Angela Merkel informing them over loudspeakers that it was time for work.

WASHINGTON—Highlighting the gaping security holes that continue to persist 15 years after the attacks, an encouraging report released Thursday by radical extremist think tank the Caliphate Institute determined that the United States is no safer than it was before 9/11.

WASHINGTON—Ahead of the highly anticipated Summer Olympics in Rio, millions of weary and emotionally exhausted Americans expressed excitement Friday at getting the chance to watch the socio-political failings of another country for two weeks.

WASHINGTON—Bowing their heads as they solemnly shuffled single-file past Capitol Hill, leaders from around the world reportedly poured into Washington, D.C. this week to pay their last respects to the dying nation.

NICE, FRANCE—In the wake of the Bastille Day terrorist attack in Nice, France that killed 84 people and injured over 200 more, humankind told reporters Friday it was hoping it would only have to put up with a few more millennia of this shit.

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

VATICAN CITY—Racing frantically through St. Peter’s Square toward the sound of the Supreme Pontiff’s agonized cries, members of the Vatican’s Swiss Guard reportedly charged and surrounded a colossal writhing mass of black tentacles Wednesday that was devouring Pope Francis.

WASHINGTON—In the wake of Prime Minister David Cameron’s announcement that he would leave office following the United Kingdom’s vote to exit the European Union, tens of millions of Americans expressed their confusion to reporters Friday about a system of government in which a leader would resign after making a terrible decision.

SAINT-ÉTIENNE, FRANCE—Midway through Friday’s Euro 2016 group stage match between the Czech Republic and Croatia, sources confirmed that, oh good, the sound of an explosion that just echoed throughout the stadium was only a fan firing an enormous flare gun.

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

WASHINGTON—In an urgent warning posted online Tuesday by the U.S. State Department, American citizens traveling to the Netherlands were strongly advised to avoid the “extremely lame” Amsterdam windmill tour.

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Russia's Closest Friends Ready To Try Military Intervention

MOSCOW–Concerned about its rising crime rate, mounting debt, and out-of-control alcoholism, Russia's closest allies are preparing to step in and stage a military intervention on the troubled nation's behalf.

"Russia is a very, very important country to all of us, and we can't just sit by and watch it destroy itself like this," German chancellor Gerhard Schröder said. "It's time we stepped in."

"We've talked and talked to them for years now, desperately trying to get them to change their self-destructive ways, but nothing we've said has gotten through," British prime minister Tony Blair said. "At this point, I don't think we have any choice but to brew up a pot of coffee, bring in some armored divisions, and force Russia to deal with its problems."

The intervention, which will be led by Germany and include the U.S., France, England, Poland, Hungary, and the Czech Republic, will most likely occur next week, before the harsh Russian winter makes acts of caring difficult for armored vehicles and infantrymen. The intervention's primary objective will be to communicate to Russia, through kind but firm military means, how much it means to the European community, how its problems have been affecting its neighbors, and what its allies want their relationship to be like in the future.

"I really don't think Russia understands how much it hurts my country when it does some of the things it does," Polish president Aleksander Kwasniewski said. "It withholds not only affection and attention, but vast oil and mineral reserves. There was a time when Russia was there for us with foreign aid. We could turn to them for emotional and military support. No more."

"I'm not surprised, though," Kwasniewski continued. "I mean, these last few years, Russia's been letting itself go to hell internally–roads, bridges, the power grid, you name it. How can you take care of others when you can't even take care of yourself?"

Much of the frustration felt by Russia's allies stems from the nation's inability to be self-reliant despite its age, its incredible potential, and the tremendous amount of help it has received over the years.

"I've given Russia something like $8.5 billion in foreign aid and international-relief loans since 1995," President Clinton said. "And what do they do when they get all that money? They devalue the ruble, close up the banks, and then turn around and ask Germany for a few billion more. Where does it all go?"

German troops ready themselves for the intervention.

"Let's just say I have my suspicions," added Clinton, making a drinking motion with his hand.

"Funny how Russia always manages to scrounge up a few bucks when they want to roll into Chechnya and raise a little hell," French president Jacques Chirac said. "Well, I'm not helping them pay for that stuff anymore. And if I have to get together with the boys and go over there myself to put a stop to it, I will."

Organizers of the military intervention say they expect Russia to put up resistance when massed troops appear on its doorstep. They are confident, however, that Russia will eventually come to realize that the intervention is for its own good.

"I can already hear what Russia's going to say," Schröder said. "It's going to be like, 'Hey, I'm making strides. I'm doing better. I took down that wall, I did the whole glasnost and perestroika thing, I even have my own space station. What do you want from me?' It isn't going to be easy."

"We'll just have to use tough love," Schröder added, "and a lot of the T-72 tanks Russia left lying around when it moved out of our place."

Russia's friends are aware that history is not on their side. In recent centuries, numerous interventions have failed to work on the proud, stubborn nation. But despite the poor track record, its friends are confident.

"Yes, many people have gone in there without success," Blair said. "You have to realize, though, that people like Napoleon and Hitler probably didn't have Russia's best interests at heart when they went barging in. If we show Russia that we're doing this because we care, and we can avoid getting bogged down in a winter land campaign, I think we've got a really good shot at winning the country over."

"In this kind of intervention, you never know what's going to happen," Clinton said. "Believe it or not, sometimes when the subject recognizes that you are doing it out of genuine concern and have all of NATO on your side, they agree to change their ways instantly."

"But if that doesn't happen–and we certainly have reason to believe that a big, independent, historically cold country like Russia will try to fight us–we're more than ready for it," Clinton continued. "Russia is dangerous to itself and others right now. If a full-scale military occupation is what it takes to save Russia from itself, that's what we're going to do."