John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

Sadness and Joy are both normal. Pain is the option we want to remove. (Published 12/20/2010)

Q:

Al, a Tributes.com visitor from TX says, “I lost my mom in 2007. I took care of her and sort of put my life on hold. I’m 48 and single and all alone. I can’t get over her not being here. I still cry daily. Is that normal?”

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Al,

Thanks for your note and of course we’re sorry to hear of your mom’s death.

You pose an interesting question which does not have a simple answer.

If you had said that you smile daily remembering things about your mom and your relationship with her that you enjoyed, you probably wouldn’t be asking if that was normal.

By the same token, missing someone, and crying is not all that different. So from that point of view it can be normal to be sad when we miss someone who’s no longer physically here. There’s no limit on how often or how much we feel sad.

As to your comment about crying daily: I assume that when you cry about your mom, the sadness you feel is emotionally painful for you.

If so, it is important that you discover and complete what may have been left emotionally unfinished in your relationship with your mom. As you do that, you will most likely find that the kind of painful sadness you have felt will diminish and the frequency of those sad or painful feelings will also lessen.

The actions that will help you discover and complete unfinished emotions are contained in our book, The Grief Recovery Handbook, which is available in most libraries and bookstores.

The sooner you get the book and take the actions it suggest, the sooner you will find changes in how you feel. The actions will not cause you to forget your mom, nor will they limit any fond memories.

Pain is the feeling we’re trying to help you deal with, while leaving the normal feelings of sadness and joy.