Darlings, we had the most wonderful time at Franklin & Marshall College’s Writer’s House, which invited us back for a second time this past weekend. The first tiime we went, Everyone Wants to Be Me or Do Me was barely a concept, so it was nice to come back, book in hand, and do a little reading and signing, as well as answer a bunch of questions on the nature of blog-writing and the challenges of moving to book-writing.

And then we all went out for drinks! Which is always the best way to end a reading, we’ve found.

“Everybody Wants to Be Me or Do Me is less of a gushing love letter to celebrities and more of a laugh out loud wake-up call for those enthralled with the celeb life and wonder why theirs isn’t as amazing. Rather, the book shows you the ins and outs of what celebs had to do (and continue to do) to gain their A-list status, and gives you, the celebrity-smitten reader, a much-needed reality check. To give you an idea, chapter titles include “The Art of the Canoodle,” “The Well-Orchestrated Cheating Scandal,” and our fave, “Acquiring Children” with the subtitle “Props That Cry.” But being TLo, the biting advice comes in the form of fun, bitchy advice from your gay besties, which is exactly the way we like it.”

Darlings, we have been away from the Be Me or Do Me Bingo game for too long. We have been remiss in our celebrity taunting this summer. Why, we let Shia Labeouf’s latest meltdown go by unremarked-upon, not to mention Robin Thicke’s breakup-based career meltdown. Then again, they both already had their shots at the game and neither added anything new this time. Step it up, boys.

Now Michi, on the other hand, she deserves a second go-round in the game, since she’s switched up her play quite a bit from the last time. No longer content to titillate the public with some girl-on-girl, she’s landed on a new team player – almost literally.

But first, the relevant quotes from our book, from Chapter 6: The Art of the Canoodle:

“It’s a star’s responsibility to make sure everyone knows who she’s fucking, who she’s not fucking, and who she wishes she was fucking, the knowledge of which should make her much more fuckable in the eyes of the public, thereby increasing her asking price as well as the likelihood that she’ll win an award. The gossip writers call this “canoodling,” but any truly ambitious star sees it for what it is: strategic career advancement opportunities secured through judicious dating.”

“The goal here is to land a grainy paparazzi-photo magazine cover before the two of them have confirmed they’re a couple, possibly on a yacht or beach or some other place where the two of them can publicly rub oil on each other. Upping the speculation on the relationship will make the confirmation of it seem that much more epic, an answer to a question the public didn’t realize it was dying to have answered.”

And now, a headline from professional celebrity-fluffer E! that’s so ludicrous, we probably would have cut it out of the book in the final edit if we came up with it ourselves. But oh, how we wish we did come up with this one:

Shirtless Zac Efron Rides a Horse on the Beach, Kisses Michelle Rodriguez in a Club—See the Hot Pics!

And you really do need to click through to see those “Hot” pics. The flexing alone is hilarious, but the “We’re acting totally natural! What camera?!?” posing is a beautiful thing to behold. Also beautiful to behold is this press release masquerading as an article, with an actual unironic use of the word “smooches” from a writer we presume to be under 85 years of age:

Like a cheesy scene out of The Bachelor, the 26-year-old Neighbors actor and the 35-year-old Avatar actress spent Monday afternoon riding horses on the beach in Sardinia. Efron went shirtless for the occasion, and to his new girlfriend’s delight, the actor flexed his bulging biceps as he gripped the reins.”

“The fun didn’t end there, however. Efron and Rodriguez danced the night away at the Billionaire Porto Cervo nightclub. The duo dirty danced and shared several sexy smooches in front of the packed party. Efron kept his shirt on (and wore sunglasses), while Rodriguez wore a low-cut top and tight-fitting jeans.”

And the piece de resistance of Be Me or Do Me-style image craft:

“Michelle is super-cool and laid-back and Zac has always been attracted to her because of that,” a source told E! News Tuesday. “She’s one of those people that everyone likes, she just gets on with all kinds of people and doesn’t take the fame thing too seriously.”

Any star practicing the “Be Me or Do Me” way of life and career management knows that when the public turns on you, you best figure out interesting and press-worthy ways to apologize and stay in their good graces.

From Chapter 11: Acts of Contrition:

Much in the manner of long-term convicts and former Miss Americas, some stars who put themselves through the wringer are eventually going to turn to that old-time religion as a way to get back in the public’s good graces. This makes an especially smart choice for country singers and former Playboy models. Jesus, of course, remains the perennial favorite, and the newly Jesus-touched star can be expected to talk about Him as if He were someone collaborating with him on a project. Every award or moment of acclaim will be attributed to his good friend Jesus, who can’t be bothered with disease and starvation but will move mountains to make sure the properly Jesus-thanking celebrities get nominated for a People’s Choice Award when the time is right.

From Billboard, with a headline that we’d have killed for a chance to compose:

Justin Bieber Baptized In NYC Bathtub Amid Racist Jokes Controversy

Justin Bieber was recently baptized in a New York City bathtub amid the controversy surrounding two leaked videos that show the pop star using the N-word as a teenager.

In May, Bieber spent a week attending church services and doing intense Bible study with pastor Carl Lentz after a man possessing the racist-laced videos threatened to release them if the pop star didn’t pay him $1 million, TMZ reports.

Apparently, the baptism was performed in a bathtub of Bieber’s friend, who was not named. The singer had scoped out different churches, but his cover was blown during visits, according to TMZ.

We really hope he tries to sell this weirdly secret and undocumented baptism (in an unnamed bathtub, no less) to the public. They’re gonna eat him alive either way. If he starts thanking Jesus left and right, they’ll think he’s a bullshitter, and if he fails to thank Him left and right, he’s going to get the Christian groups hanging on his ass.

Justin, the Jesus route was not the way to go here. You should’ve gone the “I have an addiction” route or even better, the “I have a learning disability/I’m on the autism spectrum” one. People would buy any of those, but when the public reads the words “Bieber” and “bathtub” in the same headline, this is not the image that’s going to spring to mind.

You can play the at-home version of “Be Me or Do Me Bingo” by buying our book, darlings!

“Having played out every major life event and career triumph in front of an audience of millions, a celebrity will quite often develop a messiah complex and decide that what the world really wants from her is to tell it what to do. Despite the supreme condescension, this is often born out of a fear of career or public decline. It’s every insecure busybody friend you ever had, writ large.”

***

“World-Improving Tips of the Stars!1. Start with the assumption that you know best.

2. Point to something that bothers you.Clear yourthroat. Point again. Repeat until people start lookingat you.”

Gwyneth Paltrow Thinks Being Mean to Water Affects How It Freezes

In the May 29 edition of Goop, the Mortdecai actress, 41, revealed that she is “fascinated by the growing science behind the energy of consciousness and its effects on matter.” In particular, Paltrow said she loves a book by Japanese scientist Masaru Emoto, The Hidden Messages in Water. “I have long had Dr. Emoto’s coffee table book on how negativity changes the structure of water, how the molecules behave differently depending on the words or music being expressed around it,” she wrote.

Emoto’s work has often been criticized by his peers and is widely considered to be pseudoscience.”

Things are bad when professional celebrity fellator E! is pointing out that you’re talking crap, Gwynnie. Now granted, this isn’t strictly an example of Gwynnie trying to save the world, like she usually does, but we can’t help thinking she’s going to combine her current “be kind to water” campaign with last month’s ill-advised “reading mean tweets about me is exactly the same as going through war” idea and simply declare herself the Goddess of Water or something. Remember: whenever a celebrity tries to teach the world or save the world, you only need to scratch lightly to find the self-serving motivations under the surface. Maybe she’s launching a line of designer water. We wouldn’t be remotely surprised.

You can play the at-home version of “Be Me or Do Me Bingo” by buying our book, darlings!

Oh, we just LOVE when new and exciting celebrity genital combinations are revealed, don’t you?

In a celebratory mood.

Especially when the’re revealed “Be Me or Do Me”-style. From Chapter 6: The Art of the Canoodle:

“During the press phase of canoodling, the couple will start allowing themselves to be seen in public together, knowing that the media is primed for just such a picture, which means the realization of it will start a frenzy. They won’t do anything too couple-y, like hold hands or anything. They’ll just be seen exiting a building or restaurant at the same time, staying just close enough together that, with the right lens and a little cropping, they look like a couple without actually acting like one.”

***

“There’s a level of plausible deniability at this stage because, after all, nothing is guaranteed, even if the sex is great and the Internet is exploding with gleeful fans writing supportive poems and arguing over whose syllable should get top billing when the press blends their names. The two will act like really great friends who happen to touch each other a lot and laugh. When asked about it, they’ll say, “He’s a really great friend! You should touch him sometime!”

While he is not dating his childhood crush Sandra Bullock per se, a source close to the actor tells E! News that the two share a mutual attraction and are in the early stages of getting to know each other.

“They are not in a relationship, but they are definitely hanging out and are in the early getting-to-know-each-other phase,” the source reveals. “They haven’t put a title on it, but they really like each other.”

Romance rumors ramped up in early May after they they shared a meal with pal Chelsea Handler at Cecconi’s in West Hollywood. The month prior, Evans and Bullock dined at West Hollywood hot spot Craig’s with Handler and Melissa McCarthy.”

Well played, you crazy kids. We’re a little surprised the “source” is coming from his side, but then again, Sandy is EXCEEDINGLY good at tightly controlling her image and the story the press tells about her.

If they weren’t already so outrageously wealthy, we’d cut these two a check, just for making the entire chapter about celebrity weddings come true. We could probably post the whole chapter here and find a little of Kim and Kanye in every paragraph, but we’ll just give you the highlights. From Chapter 7: Symbiotic Rebranding, aka “Marriage”:

“Here outside the gates of Candy Land, where the real people live, you can find all different kinds of weddings and all different kinds of brides, but when we’re talking about attention-seeking celebrity types willing to turn every private event and decision into a launchpad for further opportunities to make money, then we’re really only looking at one kind of wedding: a gigantic, overblown extravaganza. A princess fantasy so ridiculous in scope and scale that it would make a real princess retch.”

“Regardless of what kind of dress she picks, if she’s a star of any stature, she’s going to get a design house to loudly loan one to her or loudly make one for her. This will be announced early on, after the contracts have been signed by everyone involved, in order to drum up maximum speculation about the dress and to subject the public to meaningless drivel from entertainment journalists. “It could be long or it could be short! Her fans can’t wait to see!”

“Honestly, take the most obnoxious bride and groom you’ve ever encountered—and let’s not pretend you didn’t immediately think of them just now involuntarily—multiply all their bad behavior and tacky nuptial attention seeking by a factor of several thousand, add couture, piles of money, and the press, and that’s your average celebrity wedding.”

“Major celebrity magazines aren’t going to pay millions to see a bride with her hair blowing in her face wearing a gauzy sundress and trying to smile with sand in her teeth. They and the magazine-buying public are going to want to see something borderline scandalous in its ostentation. That way we can all ooh and ahh over the details and then turn on a dime and angrily rant about the waste and privilege.”

This is cheating slightly, since Charlie Sheen was one of the major inspirations for the chapter, but he’s the gift that keeps on giving. From Chapter 14: The Full Chernobyl:

“The other, more common, and much funnier kind of meltdown is the one that occurs after a succession of smaller incidents and years of odd behavior. These have a higher likelihood of being born out of a celebrity-specific combination of sub-stance abuse, a career that requires all emotional responses to have an audience, and simply being an entitled asshole. Since no one feels right cheering on an obviously crazy person having a hard time of it, it’s the overpaid assholes with the fried brains having a bad year (or succession of them) that capture the public’s attention the most.”

***

“The Ranter. When you get past the racial epithets, the Ranter can be hilariously entertaining in that “crazy uncle who shows up to every family wedding” kind of way. You can at least count on him to come up with new and exciting epithets, born out of his own rage, entitlement, and drug-addled brain.”

Also, just a smidgen from Chapter 4: Attention-Whoring:

“Unfortunately, it’s only a small step from this to drunkenly ranting at practically anyone who offends a star, leading to long, vowel-light rants about un-named “H8ers” trying to bring him down, as if this was all court intrigue on the Island Kingdom of Dyslexia or something. This will inevitably be followed up with the drunken posting of pictures of the star flipping the bird at imaginary enemies or eating food off the floor.”

***

“Male stars can’t really afford to be this introspective—again, because Hollywood can be remarkably traditional, especially about gender stuff—so they tend instead to resort to outlandish douchebaggery to keep the public aware of them.”

Charlie Sheen Trashes Rihanna on Twitter After She Refuses to Meet His Fiancée

“so, I took my gal out to dinner last night with her best friends for her Bday. we heard Rihanna was present as well. I sent a request over to her table to introduce my fiancé Scotty to her, as she is a huge fan (personally I couldn’t pick her out of a line-up at gunpoint)” the less-than-kind rant began. “well, the word we received back was that there were too many paps outside and it just wasn’t possible at this time.”

“He continued: “At this time? AT THIS TIME?? lemme guess, we’re to reschedule another random 11 million to 1 encounter with her some other night…? no biggie for me; it would have been 84 interminable seconds of chugging Draino and “please kill me now” that I’d never get back. My Gal, however, was NOT OK with it. Nice impression you left behind, Bday or not. Sorry we’re not KOOL enough to warrant a blessing from the Princess. (or in this case the Village idiot)”

“you see THIS is the reason that I ALWAYS take the time. THIS is why I’m in this thing 31 awesome years. Good will and common courtesy, carefully established over time to exist radically in concert with a code of gratitude!,” he wrote before adding, “I guess ‘Talk That Talk’ was just a big ol lie from a big ol liar.”

As if that wasn’t enough, Charlie also took to the time to trash RiRi’s latest hairstyle. “oh and Riahnna, Halloween isn’t for a while. but good on you for testing out your costume in public. it’s close; a more muted pink might be the answer, as in: none.”

“See ya on the way down, (we always do) and actually, it was a pleasure NOT meeting you. clearly we have NOTHING in common when it comes to respect for those who’ve gone before you. I’m guessing you needed those precious 84 seconds to situate that bad wig before you left the restaurant.”

“Here’s a tip from a real vet of this terrain; If ya don’t wanna get bothered DONT LEAVE YOUR HOUSE! and if this ‘Prison of Fame’ is soooooooo unnerving and difficult, then QUIT, junior! c #Hamateur.”

Yeah, it’s like shooting fish in a barrel to point out that Charlie Sheen is having a meltdown, but we didn’t want to miss the opportunity to repeatedly use the word “douchebag” in a post about him.