Surely it's time to kill off this monster...

A lack of creativity should never be encouraged in television, but sometimes you just have to throw your hands up and salute the brass neck of the chancers who run Channel 4.

Because by airing yet another spurious, gypsy-themed programme on Monday night, My Big Fat Gypsy Valentine, they weren’t just flogging a dead horse.

They were flogging it, stripping the meat off its bones, forcing it through the mincer and vacuum-packing it before sending it off to the nearest Findus factory.

Flogging a dead horse: Brendan and Danielle get married in My Big Fat Gypsy Valentine

To be fair, after a Christmas special that wasn’t that Christmassy and a Royal Wedding special that had nothing to do with William and Kate, we probably shouldn’t have expected too much from this latest one-off.

And at least there was a positive development of sorts in that it would appear Channel 4 is no longer bothering to pretend its interest in the travelling community stems from a desire to make serious social documentary-making.

It stems from having to satisfy the demand of viewers who still want to see more of the travellers even though they had pretty much showed us all they had to offer before the end of the first series.

I have no sympathy for Channel 4, though. They created this ratings monster and it’s up to them to kill it off instead of spewing out these embarrassing and ludicrous one-offs.

I can see now though why Channel 4 boss Jay Hunt claimed she had decided against commissioning another full series of the show for ‘creative reasons’.

The producers clearly can’t be bothered to ‘create’ convincing stories any more.

Witness their efforts to persuade us here that St Valentine’s Day actually has any added significance for the travelling community. They were as laughable as they were transparent.

First up, the narrator repeatedly told us it does have added significance (oh, must be true then).

And then came further and, I’m sure you will agree, irrefutable evidence: an eight-year-old traveller girl giving her views on love and marriage as she made a Valentine’s card with some glittery heart shapes and a Pritt Stick.

Incredible, really. I’m just surprised the producers didn’t really chance their arm and try telling us the make-up the traveller girls were wearing was called the St Valentine’s Day Mascara.

Or try to suggest that the only reason Brendan ordered a worryingly luminescent chicken tikka massala when he took his sweetheart for a romantic curry was that it was as red as any Valentine’s rose.

They could even have gone further and explained the (oddly unexplained) absence of dressmaker Thelma Madine by pointing out that as Valentine’s Day is so close to the January tax deadline, renowned book-keeper Thelma was far too busy with her accountant.

Let’s face it, that would have been no more incongruous than the narrator assuring us that all travellers are deeply religious, only to then reveal the news that Brendan was up in court for theft.

Brendan denied the charges of course. And although I’m sure this wasn’t his defence, I suppose there is a chance the page that says, ‘Thou shalt not steal’ was missing from his Bible when he was a boy.

Who knows, someone might have nicked it.

***************************

Funniest advert on TV right now: Eric Cantona pretending to be a farmer for Kronenbourg.

I don’t know if Eric has taken method acting all the way by sneaking into Old Trafford and ploughing his old pitch, but it looks like someone has.

Method acting: Eric Cantona's cameo for Kronenberg is the funniest ad on TV

At least these episodes run on time

The
Railway: Keeping Britain On Track might not sound like the most
exciting documentary series in the world, but I’m happy to report BBC2
has another cracker on its hands.

It’s the closest thing I’ve seen to a real-life version of The Office.

The Railway: Keeping Britain On Track is the closest thing I've seen to a real-life version of The Office

It’s
infuriating, enlightening, heart-warming – and full of characters you
will either love (railway staff) or hate (railway management).

My
favourite scene featured two coffee-swilling HR ladies who set an
interviewee this poser: ‘Can you tell us the difference between good
service and excellent service?’

That’s easy, ladies. Good service is when a train turns up. Excellent is when it’s on the right platform.

***************************

After Sky Atlantic’s last major U.S. import, Luck, ended up getting lost in a cloud of mumbles and track dust I’m a little wary of lavishing too much praise on the latest effort, Vegas.

But if the opening episode of this Sixties Mob drama is anything to go by we might have better fortune this time.

Dennis Quaid is excellent as the walking cowboy cliché who has been tasked with cleaning up the burgeoning gambling Mecca in the desert. And The Shield’s Michael Chiklis was born to play the part of the newly arrived Mafia boss.

He even eats his spaghetti bolognese without rolling it on a spoon. That’s a proper hard man.

The horror, the horror...

I can’t tell you how happy I was to see the unexpected return of the best drama on TV, The Walking Dead, on Friday night.

But I’ve decided there is enough room in my life for two blood and suspense thrillers, so I’m sticking with The Following on Sky Atlantic as well.

I know it’s mainly nonsense, but it’s utterly addictive nonsense. And those Edgar Allan Poe face masks the killers wear are a master stroke. Scariest thing I’ve seen on TV since Adrian Chiles first tried to make friends with Roy Keane.

And in the wig department...

The award for the best use of a Brian May wig this week goes to… Mr Selfridge’s Katherine Kelly.

The cunning way she used the straggly bits to preserve her modesty during last Sunday’s love scene was a wonder to behold, even on the tenth replay.

Cunning: Katharine Kelly's wig is a wonder to behold in Mr Selfridge

Elsewhere I was disappointed that the arrival of a group of demonstrators campaigning for women to be given the right to vote didn’t inspire the usually on-the-ball Harry Selfridge to form an in-house girl band with his staff.

I bet the Selfridgettes would have packed out music halls up and down the land.

Brooker reveals a few cracks in the mirror

I’m no techno geek. I’m not exactly a social-media butterfly, either. And it’s a long time since I was a starry-eyed undergraduate.

So, perhaps unsurprisingly, I wasn’t as blown away as some by the first episode in the new run of Charlie Brooker’s Black Mirror.

It was well written and smartly directed, of course. But in terms of dark and edgy fantasy it wasn’t a patch on Channel 4’s other late night chiller, Utopia.

Charlie Brooker's Black Mirror was well written and smartly directed, of course. But in terms of dark and edgy fantasy it wasn't a patch on Utopia

I’d actually stick my neck out and call Utopia one of the finest British dramas of the past ten years. Neil Maskell, who plays wheezing hitman Arby certainly deserves to be in with a big shout when awards time comes around again.

As for Black Mirror, I won’t deny Hayley Atwell displayed some neat touches as a grieving graphic designer who turned to futuristic science to clone her dead boyfriend using social media records.

But the story turned out a little too sentimental for my liking. It was like a Tales Of The Unexpected update with a liberal sprinkling of Truly, Madly, Deeply thrown in for good measure.

And the soppy ending had me worrying Brooker might be going soft in his middle-age.

You’ll be drifting into the world of care homes, cute puppies, sad piano music and WH Auden poems next if you’re not careful, Charlton. And no one wants to see that.

**************************Simon Cowell says he wants Frank Sinatra’s ode to arrogance My Way played at his funeral.

Fair enough. But I’d love it if one of the mourners put their hand in the air halfway through and asked the vicar if he had a second song.

**************************Those robotic penguins with cameras on the Falkland Islands managed to shoot some great footage for BBC1’s lively natural history series Penguin: Spy In The Huddle.

But it got me thinking. Could they be modified to do a different kind of shooting?

Because if the MoD cuts get any worse we might need them to.

**************************

The best music show on TV right now is not even a music show. It’s E4’s beautifully realised nostalgic drama My Mad Fat Diary.

Every time I watch it I end up downloading something from iTunes. And let me tell you that has never happened with The X Factor.

**************************

Sobering news from co-host Kirsty Duffy at C5’s The Wright Stuff:

‘According to the Department of Health we underestimate our alcohol intake by 40 per cent.’

Blimey, that really has shocked me. In fact, I need a drink.

**************************

Er, it would appear I owe the guest bookers at The Jonathan Ross Show a small apology. A few weeks back I may have given the impression they were so desperate for guests that they would invite practically anyone on.

It has since emerged that despite an aggressive lobbying campaign former glamour model Jodie Marsh has failed to persuade them to give her a few minutes on the sofa.

So, it would appear even they draw the line somewhere.

**************************

According to the BBC there will be several changes to the second series of The Voice.

So far these changes don’t seem to include a) hiring four new judges or b) keeping the spinning chairs for a few weeks longer this time. Ah well. I’m sure the producers know what they’re doing.

**************************

After last year’s cock-up with Adele and Blur I hope the the Brit Awards team will have an extra stopwatch running on Wednesday night.

But what I’m most looking forward to is Emeli Sandé singing one of her hits at some point. It’s been too long since she last performed on TV.

Baffled at the Baftas

A mystery over at last Sunday’s film Baftas as Sally Field revealed: ‘I was supposed to be out here with Eddie Redmayne, but he seems to be puking his guts up.’

Had Redmayne been suddenly struck down with the Norovirus? Or had he merely had a sneak peek at some of the acceptance speeches that were coming later?

It was bad enough that a tearful Anne Hathaway decided to personally thank a French writer who’s been dead for over a century.