Edgar Allan Poe Community College

Thursday, September 29, 2016

While it’s a pain in my arthritic fingers
to write about actors with long last names, I’ll make an
exception in the case of Zach Galifianakis–you know, the bearded guy in The
Hangoversssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.

Because Zach G. should be dead already.

A survey of contemporary obese film comedians
shows why.

John Belushi, the template for today’s fat
funnymen, had a brief film career (as a named
character), from Animal House in 1978 to Neighbors in
1981. That’s three years. He died after injecting a combination cocaine
and heroin.

Fellow overweight SNL alumni Chris
Farley first appeared on the silver screen in Coneheads (1993).
He last made audiences howl hysterically in Almost Heroes (1998).
Five years. He passed on after a night of snorting drugs with a hooker.

Canadian heavyweight John Candy outlasted them
both, from a role in Steven Spielberg’s 1941 (1979) to Michael Moore’s
Canadian Bacon in 1995. An amazing 16 years of celluloid chuckles. A
heart attack brought him down.

Which brings us to the talented Zach G. While few paid
attention, Zach was in 3 movies in 2001, including the infamous Corky
Romano. Audiences fell in love with the bearded laugh-producer
in 2009′s The Hangover, a torrid affair that will continue, I'm sure, through this year’s Masterminds. That’s 15 years.

Zach G.: 15 and counting. Which means he has
already outlasted his three predecessors by seven years. Is Zach G. living on
borrowed time? Audiences and this pundit hope not.

However, as one wag from the Other Side warned me,
“Ever since Belushi, overweight comics have felt pressured to please demanding
fans by indulging their every whim, from binge-eating to copious
drinking, illicit drug use and wild sex romps. More than ever, audiences want
fat stars to live large and exhibit a devil-may-care attitude towards their health
and well-being.

“They need their flabby funny guys to enjoy
being slobs. Zach G. has a long track record of hilarious performances. But unless Zach can resist public pressure, he’ll be joining
Belushi, Candy and Farley in the Afterlife soon.”

Friday, September 23, 2016

I swear a solemn oath that these bold predictions will be widely praised as accurate before 2016 A.D. comes to a crashing close.

Yours Truly,

Precept Tabernacle Perfect

World’s #1 Nigerian Soothsayer

137% Accuracy Record

Adjunct Professor of Prophecy, International Finance and Horror Film Production

EdgarAllanPoeCommunity College

Resident of Las Vegas pending extradition hearings

This I Predict!!! So It Shall Be!!!

1. Angelina Jolie will adopt ex-husband Brad Pitt. 2. Comedian Leslie Jones will spend an unprecedented 60 consecutive minutes not trying to call attention to herself. It will be discovered that she was under sedation having a root canal.

3. The MacGyver reboot will be cancelled before anyone learns the name of the new blond dude who plays MacGyver. On a positive note, his hair will win an Emmy.

4. Actor George Clooney will be caught pleasuring himself while watching ER reruns on the Washington Metro prior to testifying before Congress about a subject with which he is absolutely unfamiliar.

5. Survivor: U.S. contestants will live on a foreclosed island, scratching out a living on the minimum wage.

6. The entire cast of the next Big Brother will be out-of-work Twilight series stars.

7. McG will direct a re-make of Gone with the Wind, featuring Lady Gaga as Scarlett O’Hara and Dwyane "The Rock" Johnson as Rhett Butler.

8. Two weeks after that, Steven Spielberg will reveal his long-held plan to remake GWTW as a feature-length Claymation cartoon, with four pounds of genuine Georgia clay in the lead roles.

9. Adam Sandler will make a funny movie. Stunned beyond belief, Leonard Maltin will be wheeled from the screening on a gurney, suffering cardiac arrest.

10. Kanye West will be found dead. Twenty-four hours later, Kim Kardashian will wed O.J. Simpson.

11. Michael Strahan will reveal he is suffering from post-concussion syndrome after tackling and spiking George Stephanopoulos before a live audience on the set of Good Morning America.

12. It will dawn on even die-hard Bjork fans that she hasn't written a sing-along melody in her entire career.

Monday, September 19, 2016

Dreaming of Keystone Light beer indicates you're on the slippery slope of downward mobility. Your life is over, finished, whether you are 20 or 35. You have huge student loans, an education of limited monetary value and small hope of remaining a member of the middle class into which you were born. Silver lining: If you awakened from your dream with your face in the gutter, your mouth a receptacle for diluted urine and cigarette butts, you have nearly hit bottom.Dream On!Dawnlee Hope, Jr.Undergraduate StudentDream Interpretation Curriculum