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Author
Topic: Mauves (Read 2229 times)

My spirit is as restless as the sheets that never want to hug my mattress as they're supposed to; yet cling to my body in hope that finally one morning I will not leave them. Wrinkled, unfolded, content to lay at the foot, yet never able to stay there. Temporary. This is how I feel.

How depressing is that?

I don't know why I'm so mauve. I've got a lot going for me.... A great job that pays well, wonderful benefits, attention from men, a place to live, a bed to sleep in, I'm finally in the best shape of my life - yet I would toss it all just to be happy.

I have systematically isolated myself from EVERY friend I have, I have shut down emotionally to the people around me, and I avoid meeting new people.

And yet, I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong. I feel like I'm often inside my body observing myself in behaviors of which I would never approve - yet I can't do anything about them. what the fuck is wrong???

I feel like I'm a fairy tale character who has found himself in the wrong story.

I was diagnosed with HIV December 2004 (world aids day - of the ironies), having seroconverted in October of that year. I would like to believe that I was prepared for everything, but am finding, emotionally and mentally, that there's a lot of shit I never anticipated happening. This is not who I am. Anyone else experience this??

Part of me wants to quit my job, move away, start anew, and change my life.

Joseph, excellent 1st paragraph, completely understood. I think I've felt that way my whole life, before HIV. I have the same stuff you do, tho never really felt most friends were true friends. ( discovered after the break-up 3 yrs ago, that I was pretty right about that)

I can't say I'd give all I have away to be happy, but always wondered why I can't have a happy medium? I'd settle for contentment.

I've felt like that as well for most of the last 3.5 yrs of being poz. Today, however, I feel more alive and vibrant than I've felt since high school. What did I do to change it? I have no earthly clue, I just snapped out of it one day and started doing things like I did when I was neg. I still have the routine, but I Think I've just accepted it as the norm, and carried out like a "normal" person would do. Focus on the positives, they'll pull ya outta the hole.

Joesph, I am sorry you are feeling this way and I think is is common amongst all of us at times. What I can tell you is what has made me happy. I have my Sadie (dog). I go to the off leash dog park with her meet new people all the time and in the mean time had made some Friends. They all are great people. So go out get yourself a dog and take him/her to the dog park. And also the unconditional Love that she gives me, I would not give that up for anything. So get going, pick out you puppy. Great Big Hugs to you. Rachel

That all sounds oh so familiar. I reluctantly dragged my sorry arse off to a therapist about 4 weeks ago. I hate them and the thought that I may need help just added to my woes. I knew I was not clinically depressed but like you, I was not happy and had isolated myself from everyone. Turns out I'm anxious about, well, just about everything. Much to my disbelief, the therapy is working and I'm starting to feel happy again.