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HUGE Funny Surprise When I Opened My Baby Book!

My older sister Dawn’s helping our Mom clean out her attic, so she’s mailing my Baby Book across the country to me!

What? A book about ME?

That’s my FAVORITE topic! I can’t wait to see the photos and notes my Mom penned about the mini-me!

I rip open the package and see a sweet little old-fashioned baby book.

ADORABLE!

I gently open the book to see my name lovingly inscribed there. Awwww.

I tenderly turn the pages – which are EMPTY.

COMPLETELY EMPTY.

What!?

I call my sister. “What the hell, Dawn?! My Baby Book is EMPTY!”

“Well, you were the THIRD child out of five,” she says. “Our parents were pretty busy.”

“Oh, easy for you to say. You’re the second. Is YOURS filled in?”

“Um…yes,” she admits sheepishly.

“Well, why’d you even bother to mail mine if it was EMPTY?”

“I dunno,” she retorts. “I’m mailing Mom’s attic stuff all over the country – I don’t have time to open everything! Just be glad you got a book at all! The 4th and 5th kids didn’t!”

It reminds me of the time my friend Angie confided a secret:

One night over drinks, Angie says, “I lied to my daughter.”

“Why?” I ask.

“Well, the damn teacher asked the kids to bring their Baby Books to school so all the third graders could ‘get to know each other,’” she says, sipping her mojito. “What the hell do they need to do that for?”

“Uh-oh,” I say, smiling. “Sounds like someone’s a bit defensive.”

“Damn right I’m defensive!” she says. “I never made a Baby Book for her! I have one for my first kid – it’s packed with all sorts of his photos and crap – but by the time I popped out the next kid, I didn’t have time for that! I was chasing a toddler and trying to grab my baby off my titties long enough to sleep for an hour!”

I’m laughing because she’s acting out her words, boob-pulling and all!

“So what’d you tell her?” I ask.

Angie looks guilty. “I told her it’s packed away and I’ll have to get it out later.”

“Um…okay?” I ask, “So how—”

“I bought a new one!” she says boldly. “Yep, I just marched into the store and bought a brand new Baby Book. I found some old baby pics of her and glued ’em right in.”

“You did not!” I laugh.

She nods emphatically.

“But how’d you fill in stuff like ‘What was baby’s first word?’ or ‘When was baby’s first step?’ How can you remember so long ago?”

“I just made shit up!” She slugs the last of her mojito and motions to the server for another. “First word? How about ‘ball?’ First steps? I dunno — a year maybe? So I put 11 months. She’s a go-getter so she was probably early. Why not boost her self-esteem a little?”

Angie dips a chip and continues her rant, punctuating her words by pointing her chip in the air:

“First baby food? Sweet potatoes! Favorite baby food? Apricots!”

“Apricots?” I interject. “Are you sure that’s a baby foo—?”

“Shut up, Darcy! She’ll never know!” she laughs. “Favorite toy? How about a green ARMADILLO!?”

I gasp-laugh. “What if she asks to SEE the green armadillo!?”

She says mournfully, “It was accidentally sucked out of our minivan window when we made a sharp turn into Disneyland.” She makes sorrowful puppy eyes.

“You just made that shit up right now!” I accuse her.

“Yes, yes, I did. And I’ll tell her the same thing if she asks me. ‘Cause I love my daughter — but I didn’t have time to create a damn Baby Book back when she was a baby! And I’m sure as hell not gonna let her walk into that classroom empty-handed! So I made the whole damn thing up and passed it off as totally real – and she bought it – hook, line, and sinker!”

Angie looks me straight in the eye, defiantly – almost daring me to object to her deceitful little ruse.

(Did you make a Baby Book for each of your kids, with the exact same attention to detail? Would you “fudge” some things like Angie? Do you still have your OWN Baby Book? I have mine. It’s empty. Did I mention that? COMPLETELY empty. I’m not bitter or anything. Cough. Should I mail it back to my Mom so she can make up some shit about me?)

114 replies on “HUGE Funny Surprise When I Opened My Baby Book!”

Hilarious story. I only had two, the second baby album is as thick as the first. Except nothing is actually ‘in’ the book – it’s just shoved between the pages.Vanessa D. recently posted..It’s All About Location

I am number 5 out of 6, so my baby book is the one they sent home from the hospital. It has a snip of hair and a few details – first word, step, food. My sister, born 11 months later? She has my last page. It’s a record of her and my immunizations.

When I saw my baby book for the first time at about age eight, I seriously thought I was adopted because there was nothing in it! And I’m only number two of two … um, I didn’t do much for my second child’s book, either, so I really do understand … now :) I think it’s pretty presumptuous of that teacher to ask all the kids to bring in their baby books, to tell you the truth!

Maybe I should start a support group for us Blank Baby Bookers! Ha!
And yes, I agree with you! I love teachers and applaud their daily efforts in the jungles of academia, but I wish they wouldn’t suggest those sorts of things!

I’m the first of 5, but when you look at my baby book, there’s more about the dog than me (ex. “Teddy thinks it’s funny to steal the baby’s toys…he plays with them more than she does”). My mom’s defense? “We had the dog before you…we knew him better.”

Who is this idiot teacher?!! I made a photo book for my oldest but the one for the youngest (he’s 6) is ‘in the works’!! I love your friend’s idea!! Totally stealing it if needed!!Roshni recently posted..Celebrating Diwali in America

Ha! Yes, the second kid’s baby book is “in the works!” Love it! And yes, if any of your kid’s teachers ask for the baby book, just start making stuff up! You’re a writer — I’m sure it will be very entertaining! Ha!

This is awesome. I knew I would hate the fact that any baby book of mine would be filled with blanks and I would feel like it was another unfinished thing on my to do list. Instead, I started a journal for each of my girls. Whenever the mood strikes (which admittedly was a lot more often when I only had one!) I jot down some observations… firsts, funny mannerisms, adorable stuff the older one says. (Baby isn’t talking yet).

Pam, that is so smart! I’m on the computer all day so I also try to make note of funny things or firsts in a document for my kids. Plus I keep practically EVERYTHING they’ve ever written, drawn, created… My kids ask me why — and I explain that the TV producers and biographers will want all this historical material when they do a “Behind the Scenes” show about my kids. I’m certain my kids will be the next President of the United States — or the next Miley Cyrus — whichever.

I was the first (only) child. And still my baby book peters out after the first few months. However, I did want to point out, it is the EXACT SAME BOOK you have pictured above. They must’ve been big back then.Cassandra recently posted..Project Underblog: The Cat Has Left the Cradle

That is so wild, Cassandra! Several people on Facebook also told me that they had the exact same baby book! Must have been a popular one! And back then, gender roles were more clear-cut, so I’m kind of surprised my lambs were blue! Ha!

I’m the fourth of six children and never expected to have a baby book. I was curious about the time of day that I was born, though. It’s not on my birth certificate. With my kids we tell them they they aren’t truly the new age on their birthday until they get to the actual time they were born. I especially used that when they each turned 21. Anyway, when I asked my mother what time of day I was born, she said she had no idea. Years later she did finally say that I was born before noon because all of her girls were born in the morning.

I agree!
And there are so many blended families too — the family “tree” sprouts many branches to accommodate all those stepsiblings, stepparents, and all that!
But perhaps we can apply Angie’s technique to family trees too! Don’t know a relative’s name? — make it up! Ha!

Ha! If you have to pull Angie’s trick and enter all the info in one afternoon, be sure to use different color inks when you make the entries so it looks like you made them at different times way back when! (Hey, I don’t watch crime shows for nothin’! I know how to create convincing evidence!)

I have that EXACT same baby book! My mom didn’t put much in but I’m the second of 4. I only have 1 child and I have come to refer to myself as a ‘collector of scrapbooking stuff’. I’ve got the book, photos, cute embellishments, everything, but none of the cute stuff is actually in the book… YET! I swear before my first grandchild is born, I will have my daughter’s baby book done!

That is HILARIOUS!!! I am looking at a massive pile of stuff from the last three years of my kids’ lives… and I get this. Oh, how I get this!!! I’m wondering if they would notice that those last three years were omitted from their scrapbooks…

I knew as soon as I read you had an older sister how this story was going to turn out! On a different note, our family found out how important it is to keep those books up to date when my nephew was diagnosed as autistic when he was 5. His mother was asked dozens of times when he first turned over, crawled, walked, talked, etc. So it’s good to keep those books going.

Right? Big sis got a book filled out — poor lil ol’ me got NUTHIN’! NUTHIN’, I TELL YA! (Ha!)
As for your nephew, that is great that his mom kept all that info. It is extremely important to know about those milestones when diagnosing. That’s awesome she could refer back to that!

Okay so my daughter is the youngest and is pregnant with twins, so I thought it would be a terrific idea to get her two brand new shiny baby books and then put her baby book on top of it and look like “the mother of the year” that I somehow always dismally fail to be. So I had hubby in the garage last weekend going through a shit-ton of boxes looking for the baby book of my imagination! Well imagine my surprise when it was my son’s book and my daughter’s was totally EMPTY nothing, nada, ZIP! What a epic failure of motherhood (so at least I don’t feel so alone now) but that still doesn’t solve my problem see because I have a really big mouth and told everyone else what a sweet present I had thought of. So I’ve been wrestling with myself all week looking at this empty baby book and GUESS WHAT your friend’s on to something because I am so going to make some shit up! I had thought about it, then no, then why not now I’m at you got three days sister get to writing! Whew!!!!That’s a load off my mind, this is my version of catholic confession. She’s going to have the best babyhood ever! I wonder if she would believe I took her to meet Barney at 6 months hmmm……..more later!Rena McDaniel recently posted..PURPLE ANGEL FOUNDATION–MY NEW MISSION!

HA! Rena, that is so funny! I can’t believe I posted this story at the same time you’re experiencing your own baby book dilemma! Well, get to writing, mama! And make it good! Meeting Barney at 6 months? Why not? Speaking French at 9 months? Sure! Skydiving at 1? Hell yeah!

How about a website where you can order a baby book pre-printed (with original looking handwriting)? Nobody knows anyone’s handwriting anymore so that’s safe. You could randomly generate the cover, first word, favourite food, height chart if your child is “sort of average” in height etc. All you need to do is tuck in a couple of photos and voila. All done! There’s a business in there somewhere, I’m sure… and no, I didn’t keep up the baby books either except for the immunisations page, which is handy to have.

My mother gave me my baby book along with a bunch of toys and booties and things when I was having my first.

Looked at my book. It had her positive pregnancy test results from the hospital, a couple congratulations cards, the bracelet from the hospital, and the tag off the bassinet. Nothing actually in the book, no writing. I was all “what the heck mom?!” She said “Yeah, I figured you could take that stuff out and then fill it in for your kid.”

No thank you. I decided right from the start to ignore all my kids equally.

My daughter helped me go through my mother’s things after my mother died. We came to a drawer full of old photos in scrap books–page after page after page of my brother as baby and toddler–sitting on a sprinkler in the park, in his baby carriage, in his winter snow suit. Page after page. I kept looking for photos of me. Never did find them. I guess my parents were, like your mom, too busy when the second child [me] came along to take photos or, if they did, paste them in a scrap book. It made me feel sad at first–that I’d been neglected. But I think it’s more the ‘hands full’ thing. When I got home, I raced to my cache of photos of my kids to make sure both were amply represented. Sure enough, the scales tilted toward the oldest child and her only-child status for 18 months. C’est la vie.penpen recently posted..Engagement Etiquette: They’re getting married! Oh Joy. So what are the contact rules with their new in-laws?

Baby book? We’re supposed to have baby books? I think I may have been too much to take care of AND write in a book. My Mom may have one of those for me but she’s never chosen to share. This is the first I’ve heard of these baby book thingys. I hope there’s not too much in there, it might be used against me in a court of law.

OMG I have heard my Mom laugh about this many times. Children one and two.. we have pretty complete Log O Life baby books. #3.. well we know he walked.. and got his shots..
#4 We know his name, and what day he was born.

We lost Mom a couple years ago so thanks for this huge laugh, and wonderful memory.

My oldest actually had two baby books both gifts and somewhat filled in. My mother had even cut newspaper clippings from that day so he could see what was going on then. My younger two did not have one and I only wish I had been smart enough to do what Angie did. Who would have accused me of lying? They definitely couldn’t have proven it. Why did y’all have to wait over 30 years to give me this great idea, when I’ve already played the loser mom and told my kids the truth? LOL

I would have to do the same thing your friend did for my third if he is ever asked to bring one in!! Being a first child myself my baby book (the same one you have in your picture!) is completely full. My second sister’s is partially filled and my youngest has a baby book. My mother started filling it in for her when my sister was 10. Since my youngest is 9 I still have time!! Lol! As always thanks for the laugh!Kathy Radigan recently posted..It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

You still have time! I think technically, according to the International Rules of Etiquette, you can still fill in the baby book right up until the time your baby gets married. It’s possible I just made that up. But I’m sticking to it!
And I can’t believe you had the same baby book cover that I did! How cool!

I solved the problem (never did fill in those books) by having a calendar for each of the kids with good sized squares. Santa brought it every year. So when something happened, or we did something special, it went right on the calendar, which was on the bedroom wall (starting off above the changing table). The only problem is that I didn’t mark the milestones in any visual way so I had to do a lot of scanning to find things like the first step, etc. Still, better than nothing.

In the age of dinosaurs, I gave a friend three rolls of film as part of a baby shower gift. The note read something like, “This would have lasted one hour with the first baby and one month with the second. This should last the new one’s entire life.”

I am the ONLY child, and my baby book doesn’t have much in it. I didn’t really do baby books for my kids. I have ten thousand scribbled notes in various notebooks here and there, and I saved a nursing record I created for my twins so I could keep track of who ate and who had what kind of diaper, does that count? But I couldn’t tell you on a bet what the first word of any of my four children was, other than the oldest (“shoe”).qwertygirl recently posted..I Might Not Be as Smart as I Look

I love that! “Who ate and what kind of diaper” — So you have records of their pooping accomplishments, but not their first words! Hilarious!
Well, if a teacher ever asks for a Baby Book, send in the nursing record! That’d be so funny!

My first born has a baby book in a box filled with little pieces of paper that have things scribbled on them, but the book is blank. As for pictures I have a plastic tote with tons of them in it. My second child has no baby book just few little pieces of paper somewhere that may or may not have stuff scribbled on them. And a plastic tote of pictures. My third child is lucky that he got the plastic tote of pictures. Who has time to actually write things neatly in a book or gasp glue things into said book. The thing that makes me feel super guilty is that my mom made me a baby book that goes all the way to the start of 1st grade. And she did the same for both of my subsequent sisters. Me not so much… so I’m not winning any mother of the year awards over here. But at least I spent lots of time with my kids instead of just writing about them. That’s what I tell myself anyway. Ha

That was funny but I completely understand where she was coming from. My first baby, my daughter, I had made not only a baby book but also a huge photo journal book. I had just been introduced to Creative Memories and was so excited to create this huge album dedicated to her every little detail/photo I had. But when I had my son 7 years later I didn’t have the time to do the same. I have a half filled out baby book for him and a much thinner Creative Memories Album. Truth is that I had a lot more time back when I had my daughter. I wasn’t working, I had no other children to tend to so I snapped photos of EVERYTHING and put a lot of work into her album. By the time I had my son I had not only been busy with my daughter but I also had a preschooler step daughter. I didn’t snap pictures nonstop and definitely didn’t have enough time to create a huge album dedicated to only him. I did the best I could with what time and supplies I had. I later tried filling out the rest of the baby book with what I could remember and every so often I continue working on his album (mind you he is now almost 12 yrs old). But although I haven’t had the time or energy to do as much for his my love for him is no less than the love for my daughter. He knows that I love him and that’s what matters most! I may not have as much physical evidence of that to show him now but he still feels that special love I have for him!

It’s so funny that you wrote about this now, because for some reason I was thinking about my kids’ baby books yesterday. Max is 14 and Miles is 8. And guess what? Empty. I have two boxes full of random post it notes with milestones scribbled on them that I have to go through and decipher which kid and when. I’m in deep shit. I actually considered making shit up. How pathetic is that? LOLLinda Roy recently posted..Hey Rich Lady, Don’t Be a Halloween Grinch

OMG! I heart this so much!!!!! Especially ’cause I have NO excuse. I have one kid and I still didn’t make a baby book with all that crap in it. It took me 5 years to create his “birth album” so that’s gonna have to do!Norine of Science of Parenthood recently posted..Survive The Holidays … Without Sacrificing Your Sanity

Oh my God, Paula, I’m DYING laughing at that comment in your mom’s baby book! That is HYSTERICAL!!
What a crowning achievement to praise — and to WRITE DOWN in a baby book to memorialize for all time!
I can just picture your mom’s mom tapping her pen against her chin, eyes gazing upwards, deep in thought. “Hmmm, what can I say about this child? She’s an early walker? She can sing her ABC’s? Count to 10? Oh! I KNOW what she can do! She brings me my cigarettes!!” (happily writes that statement in baby book, takes a deep drag, taps ashes in tray, and smiles broadly)
Bwahaha! Love it!!

I’m going to guess this teacher either doesn’t have kids, has only one, or is a total overachiever. My 2nd son’s baby book is just a bunch of stuff shoved in an envelope. Thought that counts, right? ;)

I love teachers and applaud their daily courage and creativity — but I do wish they wouldn’t assign projects like this!
And yes, it’s totally the thought that counts! Stuff shoved in an envelope works just great! :o)

Child #1 has the most beautiful Baby Book outlining her every action, pictorially and in well thought out verse.
Child #2 has a Baby Book with photos and a few dates.
Child #3 has a Baby Book. It’s an empty book, well his name is in it, but nary a photo or date is scratched out in it.
If an assignment came along necessitating my 3rd child to bring in his book would I go out, get one and fill it out? No, I already have one, but I’d stay up till 3am printing and gluing photos and recalling to best of my ability what in the world he did when he was 3 months old. As if I’d really remember! ;)

Oh, Marty! I’m laughing! Your 3rd child and I are birds of a feather. Poor little neglected 3rd children! I’m starting a support group!
And yes, if anyone ever asks for that book, you’re going to have to pull an all-nighter! Ha!

Linda, that defies all logic! That is so funny! Usually you have less time once the second one arrives!
Girl, you better get to makin’ one for that first kid — just do like Angie and make stuff up! Ha!

my mom died when I was four, but what she did leave was a baby book shared between my older sister with little mementos of me and a small mention of my baby sister that died 3 months before my mom. My sister and I made copies of everything!

Daughters one and two have nice creative memories scrapbooks, and daughter 3 (our unexpected blessing) thinks her baby book is the computer lol. She has nothing, but can look at all the pics there whenever she likes

My grandma made our baby books. I’m the youngest of 3 and they’re all pretty well filled out, but mine consists mainly of overflow pictures of my sisters. I’m trying to decide if I should even start a baby book for my daughter(3). If I can’t even bring myself to start putting stuff in hers I know I won’t get around to putting one together for subsequent future children. I think it would better to avoid jealousy and favoritism. At least that’s my excuse…

Some people are hoarders but my mom throws everything out. All I have is 6 photos from when I was a one-year-old. That’s it. No old toys, no blankets, and no doll with the broken string that I could pull to make her talk. I think I overcompensated by making baby books for my two sons. They’re not fancy, but the pages are filled in. If I had had more children, I would have bought a spiral and used Post-it Notes! Filling two books was tough enough.

That’s awesome that you made two books for your sons! I don’t have many photos from my childhood either — I think it was a little more difficult back in those days with cameras and actual FILM and all that. Now, with Iphones, moms can basically photograph every moment of every day! And they do! :o)

HAHAHA thanks for this story it made me laugh so hard! I have a baby book and it is filled out only up until my little brother came along… I was the first baby and yet my book isn’t completely filled out… However I am a bad mommy I didn’t buy baby books for my kiddos… I scrapbook but with 3 babies, housework, and a home business I am 4 years behind! Much to the sorrow of my 4 year old. :/

Darcy. I just subscribed to you for a couple of reasons. I find your humor and story-telling ability to be outstanding AND if that is a photograph of your actual baby book that your sister sent to you…empty, well then we have the EXACT same baby books. I however, am the firstborn of 2 children so I benefited from my mothers enthusiasm and have a baby book that is almost entirely completed. I, on the other hand had 4 children under the age of 5 by my mid 20’s. Our firstborn-twins, have completed books, our middle child-about 2/3 finished and the baby of the family has a lock of hair and my hospital bracelet taped in it. That’s it. Here’s the real kicker though. I’m now on my 2nd marriage and my children are now adults with their own families. After 15 + yrs together and making a decision long ago to not have any children together, my husband and I (both in our late 40’s) found ourselves (due to extenuating circumstances) taking custody of and eventually adopting a newborn baby girl. She recently turned two and even with my best intentions, and we consider ourselves the luckiest people in the world to have this beautiful child grace our lives, and we love her more than anything….her baby book remains utterly blank. And its prospects of being written in do not look good!
I look forward to your future posts and if you get the chance, please let your mother know that I think she has great taste in baby books!

Wow, thanks for the kind words, Danelle! So glad you enjoy my stories and that you subscribed!
How amazing that you’re raising another child now! That’s awesome!
And yes, I’ll tell my Mom she has good taste in Baby Books! That’s cool we have the same one! (Although, YOURS is filled in! Cough cough Not bitter… not bitter…ha!)

You know what’s worse than empty?? My baby book is full of a mixture of my stuff and my (one year younger) brother’s stuff! There are slips from the pediatrician about my 18 month check up and his 6 month checkup. He was already bigger than me!! I’ve told my mom she must have fed him twice and forgotten about me!Rabia @TheLiebers recently posted..Cranberry Chicken {Recipe}

My older sister’s baby book is 2 books. She was first grandbaby on my mother’s side and second on dad’s. I did get a few things in my book, but I was premature so they were at the hospital all the time and really didn’t start taking pictures until I was 6 months old. Back when I was born mid 50’s parents were not allowed to hold baby and such as they are now. Mom watched me through a glass window. So I guess I should count myself lucky.

Holy Cow, Becca! Your parents were lucky you made it through the birth process, much less had time to record and photograph everything! Fortunately, you’re a survivor and that’s the best memento of all!

Oh snap! I was the third child too. No baby book and about ten photos out of like 5 photo albums. lol I think I’m gonna get creative and photo shop my cute little cherub head onto other babies’ bodies.Linda Roy recently posted..10 Ways to Avoid Becoming Your Mother

Did I already comment here or is this one that I read on my phone then promised to comment on later, but completely forgot? Either way, I’ve forgotten what I was going to say this time anyway because I’m distracted by the woman in the ZEN foods ad above admiring her amazing stomach. Why is she so surprised at the appearance of her flat stomach?? Did she just wake up like that all of a sudden? I’m skeptical. Anyway, baby books? No, we don’t have that. My wife isn’t into any of the shit that I sort of wish she was into. My own mom was all about that shit, so I have many memories of my childhood when I visit her house. Our kids have to hide their stuff or momma throws it out in one of her cleaning frenzies. Lol. Anyway, you’re the best Darcy. Love your kookiness.donofalltrades recently posted..Winning a routine call for crazy…

Why are you calling her the “Zen Foods woman?” That’s ME, Don. And yes, I’m always surprised by my flat stomach. I slug about 42 beers a day (nowhere near YOUR record, of course), so it’s surprising I’m so slender, right? (cough cough)

I’m the first born, and my parents only filled in the first few pages Lol name, bday, family, what was popular, what prices were, their thoughts on being parents….. That was it. lmao my brother (2nd born) had his 85% filled out, then the 2 others had nothing. I wrote everything down for my daughter, just not in her book yet…she’s 15 months Lol.