Today I want to share a challenging coaching meeting I had recently with a lovely woman whose eyes brimmed with tears as she talked about her struggle to encourage her husband, who at 63 is 5’10” and over 300 pounds, to lose weight. Simply walking from the garage to the kitchen is a challenge for him, he’s in a-fib as we speak, he has diabetes and metabolic syndrome, and his health trajectory is catastrophic. And yet . . . the man, soft-hearted and loving, will go to dinner and order lamb chops with sides of both pasta and macaroni and cheese. He’ll stop by McDonald’s on the way home for a pre-supper snack. He’ll inhale 2–3 white-flour bagels at a time. He eats every meal mindlessly on the couch in front of the TV. He drinks two 2-liters of diet soda daily.

His wife, in contrast, has struggled with weight her whole life, but has always been able to find people and systems out there to help her get her eating and exercise under control. She is at a good weight now, wants to lose perhaps another ten pounds as a cushion, but she’s active and in good health. What is someone like her to do about the man she loves eating himself to death?

I regret that I have yet to find the answer to the question of how to motivate another human being to make change when they don’t want to. Actually, scratch that, here’s the answer: It can’t be done. Whether you’re talking about getting someone to lose weight, be more patient, be less messy, whatever it is—human beings don’t change unless the will is there.

So what is she to do? She is suffering and can see the health storm brewing—a storm in whose eye she will be ensnared as the spouse who will be obligated as caregiver and nurse. And I don’t mean to suggest her primary focus is the fact that his health will ruin her life, though of course it will. She loves him and can’t stand seeing his self-neglect.

Since it’s not realistic for her to sit back and do nothing, we talked about ways to approach her husband. First, and most important, she needs to try to grasp his values and goals. As Dr. Stephen Reiss, emeritus professor at Ohio State and motivation expert, has written, “To motivate another person, you have to appeal to their values. This may seem straightforward, but it isn’t. Too often we try to motivate others by indoctrinating them in our values rather than by appealing to theirs.” This is because “people have a natural tendency to think their values are best, not just for themselves, but for everyone . . . We have a tendency to try to motivate others by indoctrinating them in our values.”

He continues: “Some hardworking parents try to motivate their laid-back adolescents by telling them how important it is to be an achiever. But laid-back adolescents aren’t interested in success; if they were, they wouldn’t be so comfortable with their laid-back lifestyle. Instead, they value leisure and work/life balance. If you push them too hard, they quit altogether . . . Some employers use bonuses to try to motivate their employees. But only some workers are motivated by extra money. Others are motivated by a need to feel competent, and still others need to feel they are making a contribution to society.”

This is simple yet profound. “People are motivated to assert their values. So if you want to motivate someone—a loved one, a student, or employees—you would be wise to focus on what they care about.”

My client has some digging to do, and hopefully her husband will open up to her. In this case she knows that one of his highest values is family, so the second tactic is simply to invite him to explicitly consider how his behavior affects them.

Do you understand the impact of your choices upon my life and well-being?

Do you think it’s fair that you make light of this when I feel devastated and sick with worry?

Do you want to be able to enjoy your grandchildren, the delight of your life?

Do you see that you are modeling self-destructiveness for our children and grandchildren?

For his other values, she can pose similar questions to get him to start thinking and perhaps questioning his choices.

The third approach addresses emotional blocks, because when someone uses food in this way, there is likely pain, fear, and anxiety in play. This man’s family is of great value to him, but perhaps his current lifestyle seems to him necessary to support other things he wants such as pleasure or power or independence or vengeance. (In this case, there is a history of struggle with his parents concerning his unhealthy lifestyle.) Uncovering valid needs he might be trying to meet with his present behavior allows him to identify contradictions and help him discover a better means of satisfying some critical needs (e.g., feeling independent of his parents’ control and nagging) that do not threaten others (e.g., being there for his family). Some questions to ask:

What does food really mean to you?

Does the thought of changing your lifestyle scare or upset you for some reason?

Do you worry you’ll feel deprived and miserable if you start to eat differently?

What do you see happening if you do succeed at changing your eating patterns?

What do you see happening if you don’t?

Perhaps you have tried these measures, however, and gotten nowhere. Sometimes this is because you are simply not the right person for the job. A spouse or parent or child may just feel nagged by you at the mention of their health, in which case it’s time to think of someone with less emotional baggage who might step in, a friend or perhaps even a therapist.

Finally, there is the possibility of food addiction, which has become a serious public health problem and is no less real than its counterpart with drugs or alcohol. The sugar, salt, and fat in today’s processed foods can trigger biological addiction, and sometimes saying no to food is no easier than forgoing a cigarette. Food addicts have a gene marker similar to that found in other kinds of addicts, and it runs in families, so if your obese loved one has relatives who are addicts of any kind, that is a red flag. If you suspect food addiction, consider a twelve step program like Overeaters Anonymous. I know people who have done so and succeeded brilliantly.

If you’ve dealt with any of these issues and had success in tapping into a loved one’s values, persuading them to see the situation from your standpoint, grappling with the emotional substrate of his or her food disorder, or finding a supportive friend, therapist, or addiction program that helped them regain control over their eating, please share it with us in the comments section (click on “comment” below). I would greatly appreciate it, as would my readers, as most people I know face this issue somehow, somewhere in their lives.

The self-help industry is bumming me out. As a blogger, I subscribe to a myriad of health, nutrition, and wellness sites and newsletters. While this allows me to keep up with the latest thinking on a topic I love, and while some of the writers I follow are a total inspiration, I’m bombarded with postings telling me that my life falls short in the departments of mindfulness, stress-reduction, nutrition, hydration, supplementation, cardio, strength-training, flexibility-training, social connection, solitude, stillness, goal-orientation, time-management, reading, writing, cooking, parenting, spending quality time with my kids, spending quality time with my spouse, community involvement, political activism, continuing education, and, paradoxically, both altruism and self-love. Apparently, I don’t even breathe correctly.

Here’s what happens when the self-help message du jour arrives in my inbox. I quickly scan it to see if I’m guilty of the specified failing. If no, I delete. If yes, which is almost always, I read the post a little more thoroughly and reflect on my inadequacy in that area and whether it offers any realistic ideas for self-improvement. If no, I delete. If yes, I spend another few seconds reflecting on the matter, then I move on to reading more pressing emails, like my Edison e-bill or the sale announcement from J. Crew. The self-help email then slowly travels to the bottom of my inbox as new mailings flood in. From time to time as I purge the inbox, I revisit it briefly and mournfully note that I just don’t have time to deal. It continues its southern migration. Finally, perhaps months later, I banish all delusions and hit delete. But I don’t have to feel like I gave up on that particular concept; rest assured, another blogger has already emailed me on the same topic with similar advice. This new email then embarks on its journey through my email system. . .

Now, I don’t deny that K&K is guilty of some of this—we bloggers so love to share the Kool-Aid—but being on the receiving end grows tiresome. Blogland of course has a remedy for that too: don’t be too hard on yourself, accept your failings, love yourself unconditionally, etc. The question is how to address this complaint without offering more self-help advice. Is this even possible?

Further reflection suggests not really. The reason we even consider these emails is that human beings are preternaturally goal-oriented and aspirational. My dog, Mike, would tell a dog-blogger to step off at any suggestion that he should work on peeing less on my white flokati rug. But we humans can’t help ourselves at striving to be better, stronger, and smarter than we are right now.

This is actually a phenomenal gift, and we can capitalize on it by focusing on what is realistically within our power to improve—assuming we want to improve it. And here’s the rub: If you are fine with, e.g., your sedentary lifestyle, don’t hand-wring over every email that comes in touting a new workout regimen that’s “too easy to fail.” If you do not want to start working out, even the one-minute ab-blast system will fail. This should be your litmus test. Not “should” I try this new form of self-improvement, but do I truly want to improve in this area? If yes, consider whether the post offers you realistic steps for doing so; if not, hit delete.

Sticking with our workout example, what if at the meta-level you want to want to start working out? No good. Hit delete. Meta-aspirations do nothing to address your current lack of motivation and are no friend to self-esteem.

Here’s a better solution. Reflect on why you want to have a stronger, healthier body, but never get off the couch. What is stopping you? One of my coaching clients did this with brilliant success. After some deep conversations, she realized that she found working out lonely. She looked into more social forms of exercise, found a very social cross-fit studio, and now happily goes there five days a week. She actually enjoys and looks forward to it.

Another client had a different outcome, but no less important. He came to me desperate to lose weight and start turning around some of his weight-related health problems. He said he’d “tried everything.” We kept working on finding changes to his eating patterns that were small and incremental enough for him to incorporate and build upon from meeting to meeting. But he’d inevitably come back having not followed the steps he’d committed to. After a few go-rounds, and again some deep reflection, he let on about his rather heavy drinking and frequent pot-smoking habits. Despite wanting to want to improve his lifestyle, he was not willing, or perhaps able, to address the fact that his substance abuse made this virtually impossible. After gently suggesting AA and counseling, we went our separate ways. Wanting to want something will get you nowhere and, sadly, there was nothing I could do to offset that.

So I have indeed offered you self-improvement advice, which was inevitable and for which I apologize. You can overcome the annoying self-help email deluge by deleting unwelcome posts (including this one), or better yet, unsubscribing to offending sites (but please not this one!). But if you are past merely wanting to want to improve something about yourself and are actively ready to change, consider how you may be standing in your own way. Once you’ve deconstructed that issue, by all means go ahead and see if any of those formerly offending emails offers some real guidance on how to move forward. If not, there’s always delete—and the next day’s email.

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I help women who want to eat and live better—whether they seek to lose weight, gain energy, or create a healthier home.

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Renee Erlich

Working with Kelly has been life changing. I've learned about healthy food options, their health benefits, portion control, reading labels, and how to prepare these foods deliciously. In just three months my eating habits have changed, my energy level is up, and I've lost weight even though I'm eating more food than ever! Most importantly, my family is reaping the benefits.

Renee Erlich

2014-07-15T17:15:14+00:00

Renee Erlich

Working with Kelly has been life changing.

https://kaleandkant.com/testimonials/renee-erlich/

Tina Baird

Kelly helped me figure out why I kept making the same bad choices even though deep-down I so wanted to make changes. We worked together to enable me to get out of my own way! By helping me adopt small, easy-to-reach goals to work on between meetings, I made steady progress that added up to major change over the course of six months. I am eating and living in a far healthier way than I ever thought possible. I feel amazing and my weight is finally under control.

Tina Baird

2014-09-09T17:13:05+00:00

Tina Baird

I feel amazing and my weight is finally under control!

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Paula Milgrom

Kelly helped me put in place a system of new daily habits that transformed my eating and exercise. Rather than giving you a list of foods or exercises to figure out on your own at home, she takes you step-by-step with biweekly meetings to help you create a new lifestyle. I highly recommend her approach if you’re stuck.

Paula Milgrom

2014-10-01T17:14:04+00:00

Paula Milgrom

Doctors and nutritionists send you home with a “to do” list. Kelly helps you actually get it done. I highly recommend her approach if you’re stuck.

https://kaleandkant.com/testimonials/paula-milgrom/

Stephanie Lyons

I learned with Kelly that small changes can make big impacts. She helped me prioritize my week and create a plan to get all of the important items on my to do list accomplished. Kelly showed a tremendous amount of support during our meetings which made it easy for me to speak about the aspects of my life I wanted to improve on. I would recommend Kelly to anyone who is looking to get on the path toward a healthier self.

Stephanie Lyons

2015-02-16T15:05:33+00:00

Stephanie Lyons

I learned with Kelly that small changes can make big impacts. She helped me prioritize my week and create a plan to get all of the important items on my to do list accomplished.

https://kaleandkant.com/testimonials/stephanie-lyons/

Ann Knapke

I’ve been working with Kelly now for 6 months and have truly enjoyed each meeting. She has guided me, supported me and educated me on how to live a healthier lifestyle for my family and myself. Kelly has helped me set attainable goals and has provided me with the resources to meet my goals without feeling overwhelmed or stressed in the process. I highly recommend Kelly. She is dedicated and committed to helping you create optimal health whether it’s your own personal goals or your families.

Ann Knapke

2015-06-25T16:29:01+00:00

Ann Knapke

I’ve been working with Kelly now for 6 months and have truly enjoyed each meeting. She has guided me, supported me and educated me on how to live a healthier lifestyle for my family and myself.