This is Me!

This is me on day one of my journey. This past week has been me getting ready for today. I am excited and nervous at the same time. I am proud to say that I do have support. I am lucky to still have my parents here on earth. They would support me down to their last breathe. I also have a handful of friends that if I choose to tell them about my changes they would be right there along side of me. But this is a journey I need to stand alone on. Maybe because in the back of my mind I will fail or I just don’t want to say that I have been torn down in the year of 2015. I keep my thoughts and feeling very private. I have ever since I was a teenager. Only one person, RC,knew everything that was in my head for most of my life. This year we have drifted apart.( that is a nice way of putting it) I am sure I will face what is in my head and heart about that person during this process. I need to if I truly want to heal. As for my sister, Mary, goes I have to truly say I don’t think I ever had her support. She is a dominate personality and I just found it easier to live in the background when she was around. Less conflict the better I always say. She can be a slight bit crazy.

Last night I ordered a few workout clothes and a fitbit. Got an appointment to look into weight watchers and looking into finding a new doctor to get back on my maintenance medication. Today I will start looking for a church to attend this Sunday.

Earlier today RC did stop by to drop his car off for the weekend. His new girlfriend and him are going to spend time with his mother this weekend. He still doesn’t get it. It has been since christmas since I initiated contact( since I was told he was trying to start a new life and didn’t have time to deal with what I was going thru, in so many words). I will give short answers to his text and he sleeps in the spare room until he can get enough money saved for him and his girlfriend to move into together. I am letting it ride at the moment. It does’t even bother me so much. But that is going to be another days journal.

Ok, I got off track my mind started to wonder. I am 43 years old. I have never been married but I have been engaged long time ago. I don’t have any children but I have many niece and nephews. I have worked at an animal clinic for the past 8 years. I use to manage a drug store for a worldwide chain. I miss the pay but not the stress. I moved back home with my father when I left my last job. I have half of the house and he has the other. I am in the process of remodeling finally since it does’t look like I am leaving. He needed my help when his health declined and now he is strong enough to take care of himself again. I can’t let him be my excuse anymore. I have thought about leaving this house but it does give me a little more financial freedom and I keep him company. Only thing is I am reworking how much time I spend with him At times I do feel like I am suffocating trying to have a wee bit privacy. He is very noise and lonely. I have a friend who lived down the hall from me until last August when I asked him to leave. He is still working on completely leaving. RC, and I have lived together off and on over the past 25 years. He has been my closest friend but now times are changing and we are changing. I have a dog, Sybelle, who for the past 11 years has helped my heal on so many level. I have been through a lot since I had her. I hate to say I do put her before I do just about everything else in the world. I believe in God and he is my lord and savior. I have not been to church or living the life I know I should be living for almost 9 years. I don’t know what happened I just walked away. Even though I can still feel his presence with me everyday. I have a sister I was very close to and after one fight I was told I was dead to her. I have’t talked to her since.

I have let myself go physically, I am extremely overweight. It hinders me in so many ways. I am now ready to stare at myself in the mirror and say WHO ARE YOU? this is not who I feel like I am inside. I can’t wait until I can look at myself and say I KNOW YOU!!!!!

Well this is my book I wanted to write to remind myself where I was today when I decided to change. my greatest desire is in 2017 this will be a completely different entry.