‘Cause I’m Codependent

I haven’t been posting regularly. Never mind the euphoria I feel when I write and produce something from my soul, I have been dealing with stuff and my love of writing and helping others has suffered. Navigating family can be hard, but the question is why am I navigating grown folk at all? My oldest sister has been declared legally blind, due to her not managing her diabetes; one of my nieces was wild’n out, and my youngest sister is unmarried with four kids.

For a long time it felt good to be the family’s go-to person for answers and even money; even when I was drowning in debt, but codependency is a beast. My mom calls me the “second momma” of the family and her “executive secretary.” I loathe that term by the way. I know she doesn’t mean any harm, but I have begun to feel as if I am suffocating. I have become somewhat of a martyr to my family and it is mostly my fault. Every question asked, I have an answer, and if I don’t know the answer, I hit up Google. I’m taking care of everyone except myself.

Every day I come home from work, I prepare dinner, and then just crawl in the bed. Instead of writing I have been entertaining myself with Candy Crush, BuzzFeed, or trolling Instagram. I won’t even mention going out with friends. I’ve become somewhat of a hermit. My physician suggested anti-depressants due to the stress of trying to maintain a job, my family duties, and trying to develop a business. Could I be dealing with depression? I refused the meds.

I’ve gained weight (caramel cake became my BFF). While I didn’t look it, the scale leapt to …well a lot. I am mentally and emotionally exhausted, but I still sometimes harbor guilt when I cannot (will not) help a family member and I will literally lose sleep over those decisions.

I love my family, but often have thoughts of living on a remote island away from them all. I have told them on multiple occasions that I am leaving Memphis, demanding to know what they will do when I leave. My escape attempt has nothing and yet everything to do with my codependency. I need to fix me. I can no longer be the martyr. While it is easier said than done, I have to say no. I cannot honor every request for money, a ride to/from work, or for solicited yet unheeded advice. I really want my family to make sound decisions. I’m a no-nonsense person so excuses and “stupid” (read: avoidable) mistakes grate on my nerves. That’s the Libra in me. I only have patience for children, grown folk ….not so much.

So what is the solution? I’m still moving from Memphis, but I’m working on saying no and letting my family find their own answers. I have stopped answering the phone as much. If it is an emergency, they can text or leave me a message. Journaling and seeking out my old psychologist are on the list. I’m also refining my eating habits and going back to eating healthy. I’ve given up the “caramel crack” and stress eating. I’ve got to be here for a lifetime. I can’t let this unhealthy lifestyle continue.