Tired United Hand Title To Chelsea

In today's early kick off at Old Trafford, Manchester United, looking lethargic after their midweek exertions in Munich, and soldiering bravely on without talismanic striker, Wayne Rooney, handed the title to Chelsea as the Londoners notched up a 2-1 victory.

Joe Cole opened the scoring as Chelsea dominated the first half, before second half substitute Didier Drogba scored a peach of a goal that was so far offside he may as well have bummed the linesman in gratitude for such good fortune.

With the introduction of United subs Federico Macheda and Nani, United pulled a goal back and staged a late rally but it was all a case of too little too late.

Sir Alex Ferguson furiously stamped to the United trophy room, picked up the Premiership trophy, marched back down again and presented it to Chelsea coach, Carlo Ancelotti.

When the Italian asked what was going on, Sir Alex told him to take the trophy as Chelsea had won it fair and square. The Chelsea coach demurred, looking like the unwitting victim of a practical joke as Sir Alex repeatedly thrust the trophy at him, telling him to 'take it' over and over again, thrusting and thrusting it in Ancelotti's direction. The United boss insisted that most people wanted Chelsea to win it anyway.

Turning to reporters as he continued to brandish the trophy, Fergie announced that if Chelsea really want the title so badly, if they really, really want it so badly, then they should bloody well have it!

The cheating cockney bastards.

A bewildered Ancelotti attempted to gain the assistance of a steward as Sir Alex became more aggressive and Greater Manchester Police officers were forced to step in when Sir Alex made a vain attempt to stick the rather large trophy up the Italian's arse.

"You know you want it," Sir Alex growled. "You know you do. You know you want it, so fucking take it! All of it!"

More as we get it.

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