Kir Parents

What Is Divorce?

Divorce is when 2 people decide they no longer want
to live together. There are many reasons for this but it is never
because of the children. Chances are the parents stayed together as
long as they did because they both love their kids and thought it
best for them.

It is a product of the way society is structured today where 2 people,
who once felt strongly for each other and believed in the same things
grow apart. They have spent long periods of time away from each other
and have been guided by different influences.

This does not make one or the other a bad person just that they are
now different and find themselves arguing about issues every day.
Compromise usually gives way to frustration and the bad feelings they
get from fighting stay with the people long after the reason for fighting
is forgotten.

When this has been happening for a long time everybody
in the house can feel the tension and if they can't work their way
through the problem it can be the best thing for everyone if they
no longer live together and one or both decide to separate.

In an ideal situation the parents will agree on separation and try
to reduce the impact on the children but it does not always work that
way. It is a very emotional time for parents and sometimes the impact
on the children is not prioritised and children can become hurt and
confused.

This does not mean they don't love you, in fact the
children are likely to be the topic of much conflict as both parent
want to spend as much time with you as possible and sometimes they
have to go to the family court to have their problems resolved.

The family court does not decide right or wrong like a criminal court
it tries to do what it considers fair under accepted guidelines. It
also must decide what will happen with the children if the parents
can't agree and it will do so with the best interest of the children
in mind. Just what is in the best interest of the children has been
the subject of much debate but the courts must use the information
before them combined with recommendations from child experts.

So how should you feel about divorce?

Some children don't want their parents to divorce and
others think it best if it will stop the fighting, others have mixed
feelings depending on the child and the situation. Your feelings are
relevant and important and you should be heard. If you don't feel
that you are being listen to it may be helpful to speak to an independent
person who understands what your going through such as a councillor.

It is normal for a child of a divorcing couple to live
with one of their parents usually because that parent has spent more
time with the child while the other has spent more time working to
pay bills and put food on the table and make sure you have what you
need. This does not mean one parent loves you more or is more important
in your life it is just the way families are structured.

The relationship between you and a non-resident parent
(the parent not living with you) can become harder to maintain in
this situation and both you and they must be aware of this. A non-resident
parent needs to understand that you are raised by the standards of
the residing parent and it can be difficult to adapt to the standards
of the other parent especially if you are only there 2 days a fortnight
which is a common scenario. They must also be aware that little things
can make a big difference such as disciplining you over things that
might be acceptable at the other parents place and the sleeping arrangements
and dinner times and types of food etc. this is not to say they shouldn't
express their standards as it is important for you to understand the
world from their perspective but it can make it uncomfortable for
you if it is over-stressed and you find yourself trying to live by
2 sets of standards depending on where you are at the time.

It is also important that they use the time with you
wisely. They should talk to you and you to them find out how each
other has been fairing since you were last together. If there is something
you want to do when you're with them you should let them know as soon
as possible so they can plan around it. They might have ideas for
the time together and they should let you know as well. If you have
brothers and or sisters make sure you get one-on-one time with the
non-resident parent, as this can be difficult if you are only with
them for a short time. You should also be mindful of you siblings
need for this time with them as well.

It all sound more confusing than it is and don't let yourself get
too worried about it.

Remember both parents love you and want what is best
for you even if they can't agree on what that is. Make the most of
your time with both parents, as nobody will love you as much as they
do and their love is unconditional and is forever.

The divorce is not your fault and it doesn't make one
parent better than the other. Just as it is not your fault, neither
can you get them back together. It is between them and, although you
are very much involved, it is only they that can resolve it. It is
normal to feel fear, anger, helplessness and sorrow, it is a big change
in your life at a time when you are not prepared for it but things
do get better. You will settle into your new routines and there are
many successful people in life who have come from this situation.