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Choose Your Own Foodventure

by Michael Y. Park

on 03/15/09 at 06:48 PM

If you were anywhere from 7 to 10 between 1979 and 1998, you know what to do. If not, don't worry. You'll figure it out.

1. Another Monday morning, another day at the office. To make things worse, your boss had asked you to come in to work an hour early, and still hasn't shown up for her own "special meeting." At least that means you have time to run into the office kitchen and make up for that breakfast you skipped.

Unfortunately, once you get to the kitchen, you notice there's only a packet of the new Starbucks instant coffee and an old box of cereal. You definitely need something in you ....

If you make yourself a cup of Starbucks instant coffee, go to Paragraph No. 2.

If you'd rather pour yourself a bowl of cereal, go to Paragraph No. 10.

2. While making your Via coffee, you read a little brochure about Starbucks' new breakfast line-up and its recent coffee-breakfast pairings. Especially the part about the bacon-frittata sandwich. Who cares if bacon jumped the shark a long time ago? You're going to bring it up at the special morning meeting. Of course, all that breakfast talk has your tummy rumbling ....

If you head back to your desk and wait for the meeting, go to No. 4.

If you're still hungry and want to wander outside to get a quick bite to eat, go to No. 7.

3. You stride into The Pub in the Square like a conquering hero, but quickly realize something's wrong. All the people look so ... red. And you're not feeling too well, yourself. Feeling ... woozy. The lights ... something wrong with ... the lights .... Are you ... getting ... sunburn in March?! Go to No. 15.

4. What an obedient drone you are. But as 45 minutes pass by without any sign from the boss, your rigid at-attention stance falters, and you find yourself on the Web.

If you read about the bar with self-serve beer, go to No. 9.

If you want to see what recipes pop up when you type "gross" into Epicurious's search engine, go to No. 13.

5. As soon as you approach the man, he hops up and runs into the parking lot, where he starts pelting cars with crayons. As police officers descend on you and begin hitting both of you over the head with nightsticks, you wonder where you went wrong. Go to No. 17.

7. Damn this recession! Recent budget cuts mean your office is now actually the storage room in the back of a mall's food court. Whenever you leave, you have to choose between three exits, each of which leads directly through a different business.

If you love the smell of baby back ribs and want to walk through the Chili's, go to No. 11.

It's not yet noon, but maybe it's just that kind of day. The pub's open and ready for business, at No. 3.

8. "Brilliant!" she shouts. "Let's do the test run today!"

Unfortunately, your ability to forage for wild mushrooms is not nearly as impressive as your capacity to come up with off-the-wall food ideas. Go to No. 15.

9. Interesting. "It's like paying for gasoline," the man says. Hmph. The way you remember it, paying for gas hasn't exactly been a pleasant experience the last year or so. Still, it gives you a great idea for the meeting .... And there's your boss's voice. It's time to go into the conference room. Or is it?

If you're going to be a good worker and attend the meeting, go to No. 12

Screw it. You're skipping out. No one's the boss of you. Go to No. 7.

10. Hm, that's odd. What's Michael Phelps still doing on this box of cereal? Before you have time to answer your own question, you're seeing stars: Michael Phelps has popped out of nowhere and punched you in the side of the head, screaming something about a food bank and "ungrateful corporate sponsors". And then a squad of truncheon-wielding cops is here, and the office erupts into chaos as you pass out. By the time you come to, you see a bruised Phelps and bars. Go to No. 17.

11. What in Julia Child's pajamas is going on here? There's a man spinning around on the floor of the restaurant. Everyone else is avoiding him, but it looks like he may need help.

Are you a good Samaritan? To help out, go to No. 5.

Will you mind your own business, instead? Go to No. 21.

12. By the time you take your seat at the meeting, it's already begun. Your boss, Nigella Lawson, isn't in a good mood. She gives you a nasty look, then dives right into the business at hand.

"We need a new recipe to feature in the next show," she says. "And it had better be good."

She focuses directly on you.

"You'd better have a knockout idea to make up for being late," she says.

13. Interesting. Searching for "gross" pops up a recipe for pesto-cheddar scones, from someone in Grosse Point, Mich. By the time you finish pondering that, you hear the call to gather in the conference room. The boss has arrived, and the meeting has begun.

If you go to the meeting, go to No. 12.

If you need to find something to nibble on during the meeting first, go to No. 7.

14. As you approach the plant, the monkey "toy" scampers even higher up and makes threatening screeching noises. Wow. It's a real monkey, right here in a mall restaurant. Before you have time to think that over, you hear a dull thud and collapse to the floor. The angry monkey has launched a coconut at your head. Go to No. 15.

15. You have been hospitalized with one or more of the following: severe internal bleeding, third-degree burns, poisoning, or a fractured skull.Try again, if you dare. The End.

16. Faced with the ignominy of toiling in the storage room of a storage room, you are shamed into never leaving your home again. Try again. The End.

17. You are in jail, and no one's going to post bail. Try again. The End.

18. Congratulations! You not only saved the company and became a multimillionaire, you were also made the subject of an in-depth feature on Epicurious.com, which is even better, right? The End.

19. "Why don't we just inject our fans with saturated fats?" she spits. "You obviously haven't been reading the news, which is odd, considering that your job is to read all the news about me. Come into my office." Go to No. 16.

20. As you make your way through the restaurant, you hear a loud man with a New York accent yelling at his girlfriend, making generous use of the F-word. You breathe a sigh of relief not to be involved when an iron grip envelops your arm and holds you fast.

"We don't use that kind of language around these parts," an authoritative voice says.

It's a cop, and he apparently thinks you were the one dropping the F-bomb! Go to No. 17.

Anyway, once you make it past the guy doing the Curly impression, you realize you really don't have time for a break, after all. But just as you're about to turn around, you notice a bizarre monkey toy you never noticed before lingering at the top of one of the restaurant's tall potted plants.

No time to monkey around (ha ha), it's back to work you go. Go to No. 12.

Okay...this is the most fun I've had reading about food in a VERY long time! EXCELLENT! BIEN! BIEN! Celeste

megtastic1521 05:48:05 PM on 03/16/09

I don't understand... I'd much rather have cereal than instant coffee. :(

Nikki_in_Cali 01:29:53 PM on 03/16/09

I thought I was going to have a seizure from scrolling up and down so many times. Now I definitely need something to eat!

If you want food & are worried about your boss getting upset about you leaving the office, ask him/her if you can pick up something for them. Always works with my boss!

cookri 12:55:01 PM on 03/16/09

Rarebeef: no kidding. What do you do if you'd rather eat food than drink nasty instant Starbucks??

Rarebeef 12:08:26 PM on 03/16/09

Spoiler alert: Don't pick the cereal, it ends badly

serena72 08:34:43 AM on 03/16/09

After watching "Race to Witch Mountain" and playing your game, I suddenly have a craving for Snoopy shaved ice and a weird urge to wear terrycloth in public. And, Yes! "Wonder Woman" is on Netflix. If it was on the Watch Instantly, I would already be too busy to type this.

mitty6 07:27:12 AM on 03/16/09

Wow! That was fun! And exhausting. How much coffee did you drink to write that?!