Washington, DC – On the high heels of the historic vote to repeal “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” openly gay troops are now pushing for the Pentagon to bring in the top fashion designers to create more stylish uniforms. Dubbing it the, “War on Utilitarianism” or, if you’ll pardon the pun, ‘Haute Couterror,’ the newly anointed military fashion faux pas police have announced a call to arms against fashion fatigue.

Currently, the standard-issue military uniform for combat soldiers consists of camouflage designed to blend in with the environment. In recent years, the Battle Dress Uniform (BDU) used by the armed forces, with its predominantly woodland pattern, has been re-designed. The Army Combat Uniform (ACU) is the most popular style used today, along with the digital MARPAT used by the Marine Corps. The Navy still uses their traditional winter blues and summer whites during more formal occasions, but recently adopted a subdued digital pattern of haze gray and blue for everyday wear. The Air Force, of course, has the Airman Battle Uniform (ABU) with similar colors in their traditional tigerstriped pattern.

However, if the formerly closeted gay soldiers have anything to say, all of that is about to change.

The opinion seems to be shared by a vast majority of homosexual soldiers, although not necessarily from lesbian groups. “I don’t see the need for new uniforms. I’m perfectly content with the drab look”, frowned Lieutenant (name withheld pending the bill’s final certification). “However, I agree that we should all have a voice in expressing our identity, militarily, sexually, or otherwise. Just don’t impose your pre-conceived notions of what’s acceptable to wear while serving your country…,” she added, which included a diatribe about why lesbians should also be allowed to fight like the men, but unfortunately had to be cut short due to time and space constraints.

Several top fashion designers have joined in the fray with their own opinions, each vying for a top spot should the military seriously move forward with the idea. “OMG, I would love to come up with a new look. I can already picture a red, white, and blue striped ensemble, with a camouflaged missile pattern. It would be free spirited, phallic, and patriotic,” fashion designer Jay McCarroll was quoted as saying.

“I would design something fabulous and fierce with a reddish splatter pattern to die for,” said fashion prodigy Christian Siriano. “I mean, they’re out there on the battlefield, getting shot at and stuff, why not wear something that’ll blend in with the blood stains.” Fashion expert Carson Kressley of Queer Eye for the Military Guy concurred, “It’s just awful what happens to our now brave GLBT men and women out there on the battlefield wearing colors no one would want to be caught dead in.”

Many top designers said they would take their inspiration from the Spartans of ancient Greece, recently made famous in the movie 300, or even the classical Roman or late Roman and Byzantine empires with a galea, greaves, and lorica-styled ensemble. Others said they would prefer the more colorful and regimented dress from the 18th and 19th centuries. However, all agreed that a man in uniform looked hot.

No word from the military’s top brass about the new request, however, a Pentagon spokeswoman did say that they would form a Joint Battle Dress Task Force to look into the matter before making any new modifications to the current designs. She went on to state that senior Pentagon officials were committed to making sure our troops take a leadership role in looking their best while spreading freedom across the globe.

How the military will implement such a change of dress, and how long it will take remains unclear. Adm. Mike Mullen, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, said he welcomes a more chic design. “No longer will the androgynous and able-bodied gays and lesbians who want to serve our country have to sacrifice looking good to do so. We will be a more fashionable military as a result.”

“It is time to recognize that sacrifice, valor and a hip new set of threads are no more defined by sexual orientation than they are by race or gender, religion or creed,” President Obama said in a statement.

Republican leaders have officially opposed the idea; however, unofficially, several closeted members of the GOP have quietly given their endorsement.

@Juvenal Delinquent “Appreciate all the comments/feedback. And I’d just like to add that, although I go by Juvenal Delinquent, you are free to also refer to me as a Horace’s Ass.
Oh I know Horace. His prize donkeys are second to none. I trust your claim is more than puffery, though I’ve never fully seen your stubborn side.

I knew this was coming.
Congrats on being the first one in JD and on doing it so well.
People, don’t be so sensitive about this stuff. If you’re going to be in the military you do have to be at least a little tough. Laugh along instead.

I’m sorry, but all these “satire” pieces about gays in the military changing the military uniform for fashion are blatantly insulting to the gay and lesbian troops who are fighting for this country, and play into tired old stereotypes. Why not satirize the “sky is falling” opponents of repeal instead?

J. Scott,
I can’t speak for everyone, but in most instances, satire is not meant to disrespect anyone, just to bring some levity to some very serious issues. While we can’t please everyone, give us time and we’ll get around to satirizing the opponents as well. Check back in in a day or two.