Hitting/Aggressive Behavior: A Sample Chapter from Positive Parenting in Action

HITTING/AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR

First, it is important to understand that children who
are aggressive are children who are scared, hurt, or feeling
disconnected. Small children with limited language and self-awareness
lack the sophistication to tell us what is bothering them or maybe
even know themselves. Aggression in older children can be a cover-up
of those more vulnerable feelings, especially if they have not been
taught how to express them appropriately.

I would like to also add that children under the age of
6 don't yet have full access to higher brain functions which allow
them to pause and reason. When a young child becomes scared or hurt
or is feeling disconnected, they go into that 'fight or flight' mode,
operating out of their brain stem, and have little control over their
actions. It is for this reason that an aggressive child needs help,
not punishment.

Scenario #1:Your 3 year old has become aggressive toward her baby sister. She
tries to hit her and push her over. You're concerned she's really
going to hurt the baby. Behind
the behavior: Jealousy, probably. It's
hard sharing mom and dad, especially when you used to have them all
to yourself. She may fear being ‘replaced’ by the baby and
doesn’t understand the demands put on the parents. From her
perspective, nothing good has come of this new person entering the
house.ACTION:1. Set a limit. (“I won’t let you hit.”)

2. Offer empathy and acceptance of her feelings.
(“You are disappointed.”) 3. Let her discharge her feelings
by crying with your comfort.

4. Help her explore ways to shift her mood.

To expand on this a bit, you will take her safely
away from the baby, get down eye-level with her, and set the limit –
“I won’t let you hit” (or push, or bite). It is important to
acknowledge her feelings of anger or frustration or jealousy that
caused her to hit. "You're feeling upset at the baby. Are you
upset that I was holding her?" or "She grabbed your toy and
that made you angry." Your child is hurting, even though she
may look like she isn't. She needs to know it's safe to show her
feelings. Tell her it's OK to be angry, and it’s OK to cry, and
that you will keep everyone safe. If she melts down in your arms,
she is healing. Let her get her emotions out while you provide
comfort. After the incident is over and everyone is calm, address
the reason behind the behavior.

1. Spend special one-on-one time with each child.
Let her pick the activity. Connect with her. She needs to know that
she is still just as loved as before, even if you think she already
knows.

2. Teach appropriate ways to handle anger. You can
do this by talking it through, modeling it, role-playing, puppet
shows, books, or stories.

3. Don't punish her for hitting. At 3, remember she
didn't have the cognitive resources to stop and think about her
actions logically. Teaching her how to handle her anger will serve
her much better than punishing her for handling it wrong.

4. Read books to her about babies and about being a big
sister. Scenario
#2:Your 19 month old is a
biter. He has just bitten another child at a play date.Behind
the behavior: It depends on what was
happening at the play date. It could be frustration, anger, hurt
feelings, or fear. Toddlers, even very verbal ones, know many more
words than they can say. When something triggers a primal emotion,
they will have access to even fewer words. Because the mouth is
central to learning at this age, biting is a common expression of
discomfort.ACTION:
Remember the steps above. Remove your child to safety, make sure the
child bitten is OK, and then set or reinforce your limit. "I
won’t let you bite." Validate his feelings; empathize with his
upset. "You got mad because he took your truck. I see you're
mad, but it’s not OK to bite. Biting hurts." Let your child
express his emotion safely, and problem-solve later. The reason I
suggest not talking about appropriate alternatives during the time it
happens is because children do not take information in well 'when
they are in 'fight or flight" mode or are upset. They are much
more likely to learn and retain information when they are
calm.

Don't bite him to show him how it feels. You'd be
surprised at how many parents would advise you to do this. Remember,
you are the model for appropriate behavior!

Scenario #3:

You got a call from school. Your 6 year old son punched another
student for calling him a bad name. Behind
the behavior: Anger, obviously, and
lack of ability to control his actions.ACTION:
While a 6 year old is getting better at managing his anger, this is
sometimes hard for adults to do, so it isn't surprising that a child
hasn't mastered this yet. When you pick him up from school, you're
going to have to control your own anger. Model! Reserve judgment
and ask him what happened. Empathize with his hurt feelings at being
called a name. It does hurt! Now, because this is not a toddler, you
may be tempted to punish or give him a consequence, but that isn't
going to solve the problem or teach him how to handle a situation
like this better the next time. It's time to problem-solve. Let him
do most of the problem-solving with your guidance as needed. You
might ask:

1. How can you fix what you've done because the student
you punched is hurt, too? If he doesn't come up with an answer, offer
a few alternatives, such as call and apologize or write an apology
letter.

2. What can you do the next time you get called a
name or there is a confrontation? Let him brainstorm. It's good if he
comes up with alternatives on his own. If he draws a blank, help him
out. You may suggest he walk away, work it out with words, or get
help from an adult if the situation requires it.

SUMMARY:Aggressive behavior is very common in young children and peaks
from ages 2-6. While this is a common phase kids go through, it is
our responsibility to set appropriate limits and teach alternatives.
Discipline is always about teaching them right, not punishing the
wrong. With empathy and loving guidance, your child will learn
appropriate ways to handle her emotions, and this phase will become a
distant memory.Click here to get the book!