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30 Responses to April Fool’s at the Newsroom

LDS Church announces rapprochement with FLDS, reinstates plural marriage under the direction of a new negotiated prophet. Common consent vote will take place in ward conferences throughout the next 12 months.

Latter-day Guy on April 1, 2009 at 12:07 pm

I must say, the “dismantling of CES” sounds more like a fond dream than a prank.

Some Mormons have suggested that because they may use the Bible or revere Jesus as the Christ, it entitles them to be included in a broader definition of “Christians.” Many religions share cultural, historical and theological origins. For example, Christianity, Islam and Judaism all share the heritage of Abraham. Furthermore, all Christian denominations have some historical and theological connection to Catholicism. Nevertheless, this does not authorize them to use the word “Catholic” in their official name. Lutherans and Methodists do not call themselves “Catholic fundamentalists.” Nor did the early Christians call themselves “reformed Jews.”

Likewise, it just doesn’t seem right that the LDS can overturn more than two millenniums of common usage simply by virtue of the fact that it established itself two millenniums after the Christian faith was born, and adopted many of its early principles. By declaring that any group professing Jesus Christ and the Bible can rightly be called Christian is akin to declaring that any Latter-Day restorationist group that professes the Book of Mormon can rightly call itself Mormon.

Rameumptom on April 1, 2009 at 12:19 pm

[Deseret News 1 April 2009] The First Presidency announced today that to speed up the temple work in preparation for the Millennium, dead people would be baptized en masse by first names only. Already this morning, temples around the world are estimated to have baptized over 250 million dead Roberts, Franks, Georges, Josephs, Marys, Elizabeths, and hundreds of other names.
“We expect to have most of the dead in English speaking countries completed by 3 pm this afternoon” said a member of Church PR.
Some opposition groups, supported by the American Civil Liberties Union, are said to be filing a complaint against the Church, saying it is being discriminatory against those with uncommon first names. “What happens to the Motob’mishi out there? Who is going to even notice him, when they are busy baptizing millions at a time?”

Wilfried on April 1, 2009 at 12:41 pm

To solve the massive problems with translation, the Church just announced that Esperanto will become the official church language. Members can now register for speed courses through local CES. To be called to a position, people will have to demonstrate at least an Intermediate Mid level.

April 1, 2009 SALT LAKE CITY UTAH — The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints announced the purchase of the Larry H Miller Group of companies. The purchase gives the church ownership of 85% of the state of Utah……..

Jesus of Nazareth, in person, will be running things from the COB, effective immediately.

RT on April 1, 2009 at 2:07 pm

“The Church is confirming reports that in his yet-unaired interview with 60 Minute’s Mike Wallace, President Thomas S. Monson does wonder aloud how a good Mormon could also be a Republican.”

S.P. Bailey on April 1, 2009 at 2:12 pm

It turns out that the Word of Wisdom is not a commandment after all! (It says NOT by commandment or constraint! Oops! Our bad!) Also, members encouraged to wash their bodies more frequently with “strong drinks.”

In a talk given at a student branch at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, Area Authority Glen A. Larson confirmed that the word “frak” is in fact a curse word, and should be avoided like any other profanity, even though it was invented by a Church member. He also cautioned members to avoid words like “fetch” and “flip.”

The LDS Church announced today that Pres. Thomas S. Monson is starting a blog. The as-yet-unnamed daily blog, which will be written with the assistance of a carefully-chosen group of returned missionaries, will include the Prophet’s reactions to current news and events.

In an unusual move, the blog will allow comments from members who sign in using their LDSAccount IDs, and those comments will be forwarded to the member’s Stake President and Bishop for any response needed.

With LDS missionaries now receiving cell phones, the LDS Church has released a standard set of ring tones that missionaries can use with their phones instead of the standard tones that come with the phone. Now, LDS missionaries can choose tones from among a set of hymns and primary songs, and, in a real surprise, tones from the film God’s Army and the theme from the TV detective show Hawaii Five-O

In the latest news from the US Senate, a spokesman for Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid has announced that he has brokered a deal in which longtime friends Teddy Kennedy (D-MA) and Orrin Hatch (R-UT) have agreed that, in exchange for Hatch switching to the Democratic Party, helping to eliminate the filibuster threat to Democratic dominance of Congress, Kennedy will be baptized into the LDS Church. Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, who was defeated by Kennedy in a Senate election a decade ago, was asked by Kennedy to perform the ordinance.

Sealed portion translated! Lost 10 Tribes arriving for Conference weekend. No new apostle to be called due to churchwide hiring freeze–instead, John will be called into action with backup from the 3 Nephites. (Alternatively, Mitt Romney called as new apostle. Or Glenn Beck. Or…) Temple to be built in Paris. Temple to be built in Jerusalem.
This is fun!

msg on April 2, 2009 at 1:04 am

#9–I love it!!

The Right Trousers on April 2, 2009 at 1:26 am

The First Presidency announced today that nanites that are capable of choice should be regarded as moral agents. They are thus capable of committing sin, and should be extended opportunities to share in the blessings of the Gospel.

“Nobody should be denied, even those who are too small to see,” said President Monson. “I know many wonderful nanoscopic people, many of whom labor with little thanks just keeping President Packer together.”

President Eyring was overjoyed to pass the good news on to his own tiny helpers. “We set apart a district president this morning, and already I’m hosting over twenty branches!” he said. “It’s a wonderful feeling to commune so closely with so many tiny Saints.”

“They truly are a blessed people,” said President Uchdorf. “I love to hear them sing the hymns of the restoration. It really comes from the heart.”

Members wishing to host their own districts should contact their stake presidents.

MikeInWeHo on April 2, 2009 at 1:28 am

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and The Church of Scientology announced that they have signed a letter of intent to merge their operations effective April 1, 2009. “Months of negotiations between the Quorum of the 12 and the Sea Org have come to a successful conclusion” announced Tom Cruise and Glenn Beck at a joint press conference. “We anticipate a theological synergy which will appeal to everyone from the Idaho potato farmer to the Hollywood producer.” The name of the combined church has yet to be announced, but it has been reported that the merger of the Book of Mormon and Dianetics is near completion.

#21 just made my day. I would imagine the Mormon Messages channel on YouTube would air the announcement with the theme to Star Trek playing in the background. ET’s them might work as well…but with Tom Cruise’s comments…Star Trek definitely.
hilarious.

P.S. On another note-I LOVE the new videos that the church has done and the new channel. The videos are short and powerful.

John Taber on April 2, 2009 at 8:05 am

#21: I know many members in both churches have some attitudes in common, and not just regarding psychiatry.

I like the new Mormon videos too, but the Scientologists are WAY out ahead in that area. They’ve got these ultra-slick Public Service Announcements which run here occasionally. Their moral code “The Way To Happiness” has some similarities to the Word of Wisdom and Articles of Faith. Check these out:

Yesterday was trash day. I almost convinced my young son that he had returned the neighbors trash cans into our shed.

Keith (El Chavo) on April 2, 2009 at 4:42 pm

With the exception of the Church Office Building and buildings in and near Temple Square (which must accommodate people from all around the world), all Church Units in Utah are asked, over the next year, to move to a Spanish only program. All meetings and official Church activities should be in Spanish, though leaders may make exceptions as deemed necessary for personal interviews. French will still be allowed at Church athletic activities. Home Evenings are left to the discretion of the families, as are the visits of Home and Visiting Teachers, though Spanish is to be highly encouraged.

Distribution Centers will have copies of the new Spanish Bible available at minimal costs.

Members are urged to use patience with fellow Saints whose political leanings may cause difficulty making the transition from English Only. Words such as “feo” and “sonso” are generally inappropriate when referring to members struggling with the transition.

This program will be optional for Units in California and in States bordering Utah.

Doug on April 4, 2009 at 10:36 am

Click here to follow your favorite general authority on Twitter.

queuno on April 10, 2009 at 12:15 am

The Church has confirmed that BYU is dropping all athletic programs and will turn the $50MM “athletic building to nowhere” into a research lab for the humanities…