But that didn't stop one of the most ridiculous Facebook conversations ever from happening on the alumni page this week.

Basically, people are outraged because an Exeter student -- some teenage girl none of us even knows -- wears a $12,500, diamond-encrusted Rolex. (The watch was stolen by a heroin addict, then recovered and returned.)

"So there's a part of me that feels like you're missing the "goodness and knowledge" lesson if you don't realize that some of your classmates are scholarship students and that wearing a $12,500 diamond encrusted watch to high school is both tacky and insensitive," one alum wrote.

Another alum wrote:

"In rural Thailand, as well as most of the country, public and private school children all wear uniforms, explicitly to 'level the playing field.' It removes at least a part of the inevitable distraction of who has what designer whatever."

Still another added:

"My daughter attends an artsy private high school in Los Angeles, one where multiple celebrity children attend. The admin has been very careful to restrict clothing and accessories to conform to certain guidelines, so as to avoid exactly the kind of issues a fifteen year old wearing a 12k watch might create."

But my question is, who are these students whose sense of self-worth is diminished by other people's watches -- and what's wrong with their parents?

I can't think of a single time in my life where I would have:

a) Noticed what kind of watch a peer was wearing, or
b) Cared.

Maybe it's because of my "mom privilege." From an early age, my mom imparted solid values on me. My self-worth has never come from the clothes, shoes and accessories I was wearing. I mean, sure! It feels good to look nice. (On a side note: some so-called "experts" are saying not to call your daughter beautiful. Here's why they're completely wrong.)

But what feels even better is my achievements, awards, contributions, and ideas. You know -- the person I am on the inside?

Like, okay. Here's a story:

One time, I was playing in this middle school basketball tournament. My team was the underdog, but I didn't let that diminish the effort I put in. I hit the floor chasing loose balls. I hustled and stayed aggressive the entire game, no matter what the score. I boxed out my man and made sharp cuts until I was embarrassingly red in the face...

And we still lost.

After the game, coach took us into an empty classroom, sat us down, and wrote a single word on the board: "Heart."

He told us the importance of playing with heart -- how that mattered more than anything else. And then he said, "But, on this team, there's another way to say 'heart.'"

Then he turned to the chalkboard, crossed off "Heart," and replaced it with something else:

"Eva."

You think that what someone else has on their wrist could, in any way, have diminished that moment or what I took away from it? The validation, acknowledgement, and encouragement I felt, and what it said about me as a person?

Absolutely not.

And I'm not the only one. One alum wrote:

"I was a scholarship kid. One of my best friends Prep year was one of the wealthiest people in the world. He didn't talk about his money, and I didn't talk about my lack of it, and we did just fine."

Another:

"People can wear whatever they want. I know people who wear $30 watches and people who wear $30K watches.. The only thing that matters to me is the character of that person. I don't judge them based on their attire."

And still another:

"Not following why wearing an expensive watch equates to a lack of goodness or knowledge. Surely one can be good even while wearing an expensive watch. Let's not pass judgment on the victim here, especially when we know nothing about her."

In addition to decreased resilience and increased anxiety, today's obsession with "identity" politics contributes to feelings of victimhood (rather than empowerment). Schools used to encourage children to think independently and fill their minds with facts and ideas. Now... we encourage them to think about themselves. Their "specialness" and "uniqueness." Their "identity."

Maybe if I showed up at Exeter -- a prestigious boarding school whose student body includes senators' children and offspring of the Fortune 500 -- obsessed with my "identity" as a white, Christian farm girl from Iowa... a watch on the wrist of someone I may or may not know could have hurt my feelings.

Instead, I showed up as a girl with Heart. With determination. Eager to be independent and chase bigger challenges than I'd had at home. Someone who cared more about inner characteristics than outer labels. I even made it a point not to wear "cool" or "sexy" clothes, because I wanted to be respected and loved for who I was, and not what I wore or looked like.

I'll never stop feeling grateful that I grew up before identity politics and the participation trophy movement... because who knows if I would have developed my strength and confidence otherwise?

But you know what else will backfire big time? Shaming students who wear expensive clothes and/or making rules against it. This doesn't build up poor and middle-class students. It infantilizes them! It reinforces the very message it's trying to subvert.

Humans are highly social learners. Rules like this teach low-income students that they SHOULD feel bad when they see expensive watches, instead of teaching them that expensive watches don't matter.

It teaches them that the clothing of people they may or may not even know can and SHOULD hurt them and make them question their belonging.

The only issue that should arise from a $12k watch is a security issue. But let's not be hypocritical in our attitudes about victim-blaming -- because what message does that send to girls and young women? "If you get robbed while wearing a $12,000 watch, it's your fault." "If you get sexually assaulted while wearing a miniskirt, it's....?"

Luckily, self-reliance and resilience are skills. They can be learned and taught. A few recommendations I'll throw out there include:

I find it extremely tacky. It is also somewhat tacky to discuss the attire of children wherever it is that this discussion is taking place. You make a good point that even poor children should not feel insecure when their wealthier classmates flaunt their wealth. However, one could also find issues with the psychology of the student who feels the need to wear this watch to class. But as you said, they are kids and they need to learn on their own.
The school does need to worry about security. They mainly need to worry about is another student stealing the watch. It would seem to me that it is just a matter of time until the watch turns up missing and the parents call the school having a fit.

I agree -- this whole conversation took place on a publicly-visible Facebook page that we know current students visit... and it was about children's individual wardrobe choices.

It's impossible for us to say why the child had that watch, though. Maybe it was a gift or a family heirloom. Maybe the child loves fashion and is the next Vera Wang. Maybe it's a psychology thing. We don't know. But, in general, I like to assume the best.

The reason this story came up at all is because the watch WAS stolen. But it wasn't by a student. It was by a local heroin addict, out of a gym locker.

I was quoted in this article as though I agreed with the author. I do not.

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Valerie Wagner

9/17/2017 11:53:54 am

The most interesting part of that Facebook discussion for me, Ava, is when you opined that addiction is not an illness and can be better addressed through character development. All while misciting the work of an academic psychologist. Impressive.

I didn't say it's NOT an illness. It obviously is. What I said was that treating people like they're helpless doesn't really help them. And that treating crimes commonly committed by addicts as crimes is a good thing, because it gives courts leverage to push them into treatment programs.

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M Jonathan Garzilll

9/17/2017 12:02:34 pm

Your deceptive use of someone else's words speaks far more to your "character" than your self-assessments.

If you feel misrepresented, it was entirely unintentional. It's possible I didn't understand the point you were trying to make. Which either means I misread it, or you could have clarified.

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Jillian Edwards

9/17/2017 06:53:44 pm

I think it's great that someone praised you one time for your 'heart', aka, good sportsmanship. I think it's great that you have enough 'heart' to empathize with a fifteen year old wearing 12.5k on her wrist. I also don't think your 'heart' or your 'values' have anything to do with the insecurity a fourteen year old might feel upon entering a prestigious school on a full scholarship, having received assistance to travel to campus, and dealing with the wealth of their peers flaunted in their face. Not knowing the owner of the watch or anything about them, of course I don't know if this particular item was flaunted. But I do remember stressing out about buying a dress for homecoming because I knew my mom's budget was going to be strained covering a quarter the price I heard some girls quoting when I was at PEA. That's not obsession with my identity, or some uniquely millennial fragility. That's the reason those schools- the ones you cited other people citing- have dress codes.

I think it's just sweet that your self-worth didn't come from the accessories you wore, but from the values you were taught. I bet I would have felt the same, if I'd worn any growing up. Maybe you should see if those values you regard so highly can stretch to understanding people with a viewpoint different than your own.

I can appreciate viewpoints different from my own. I probably spend half of my consumption time consuming authors and articles I don't (think I) agree with. I mentioned in the article, I also didn't wear accessories. I had a TimeX for cross country, and, eventually my class ring.

To be fair, I also didn't care about dances. Like, at all. I think I went to one prep year and was like, Meh, not for me. I'd rather be playing in the snow. Then, senior year, I went to prom. I couldn't be bothered to dress shop. I asked my mom to just send me my sister's old one, and I tried it on for the first time 15 minutes before the bus left. (It mostly fit.) I can imagine that if you're low-income and dances are something you care about, this would have felt very different. Especially considering there were dances, like, all the time. That analogy makes sense. It's very Nancy Kerrigan-Tanya Harding.

On a side note, I think you may have missed the point of my anecdote. People love stories, and that's why every blog post and news story you'll ever read has one. It's, like, a writing thing. (I'm not sure how you got the idea "heart" and "sportsmanship" had anything to do with each other, though. I think sportsmanship is overrated, and I've got a draft I need to finish at some point about why trash talking is important. :P)

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Jillian Edwards

9/18/2017 09:25:11 pm

Wow, you... entirely missed my point. I'm not sure if you can't take criticism to the extent you refuse to even interact with opposing arguments, or if you are actually as self-centered and vapid as you seem. I'm going to give the benefit of the doubt and assume you're intentionally ignoring what I said. Good luck with the mommy blogging, I'm sure your irrelevant but heartwarming anecdotes are doing their job of entertaining rather than informing people.

Eva Glasrud

9/18/2017 10:19:25 pm

Jillian Edwards, whoever you are,

My blog is "entertaining" enough that you visit multiple times per day.

I'd say my "mommy blog" is doing pretty well, lol. See you in a couple of hours!!!

Justin

9/17/2017 06:53:58 pm

It's kind of funny how people are getting mad about being quoted, anonymously I may add, about stuff they said publically on FB. It's kind of like when Trump tweets something stupid and then gets mad at SNL for mocking him about it, lol. Good points in the article though. It's kind of crazy how much people get obsessed with identity issues these days and think everyone needs protection and safe spaces from people different from them.

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Yi Zhang

9/17/2017 08:01:03 pm

With all things being searchable forever, I can understand why someone who holds their words with integrity would feel compelled to restate their stance, since if someone as educated as the author could have misread, then any number of other people might require clarification as well.

I'm not sure what people mean when they say "identity politics", but from where I stand, it sounds more like a practice of self-awareness, and an acknowledgment of the existence of world views and experiences other than our own. Seems we can all use that, if we hope to be better global citizens.

It was completely anonymous, from a public internet forum anyone in the world could have seen. Never in my wildest dreams would I have guessed people were so hypersensitive to things they wrote in public, under their full names. I still don't get it... By including conflicting views, I did acknowledge views other than my own.

I guess if they're worried about.... something?... I guess they can always delete their comment and it'd be gone, no?

Michael Balay

9/18/2017 02:01:43 pm

Eva, I found this post from the Exonians page. You clearly struck more than one nerve. I would be interested in your views about how people react to status anxiety--not how they SHOULD react (for their own psychological good!), but how they DO react. Not all people are the same in this way, of course, but there is a biological/chemical reaction to the perception of threat to status. It seems to me that we are in a period where inequality has heightened sensitivity to status differences: there is higher to climb, and farther to fall. That is the Big Story of our time. It probably needs to be brought out of the background and into the foreground.

Interesting question. I think that how people react depends a lot on their mindset, as I described above. If you have a deep sense of self-worth, goals you're excited about, and a sense of belonging, you're going to have a very different reaction than someone who feels a weaker sense of belonging and autonomy.

That's why I'm such an advocate for empowerment, rather than identity politics and victimhood culture.

There are some interesting studies on how the price tag on different items affects our experience of it. People can be "tricked" into liking wine more when it's got a $50 label on it than when it's got a $5 label on it. People who buy discounted/on sale energy drinks perform less well on subsequent tasks than people who bought more expensive, full-price drinks.

Cool, right?

But what I find more compelling is research on belonging. Greg Walton and Geoffrey Cohen have done super cool research on the importance of belonging. The word itself sounds wishy-washy, but it's profoundly important.

For example, they've found that, while most students have bad test/paper/project results early in college, white and Asian students respond by thinking, "College math is different from high school math! I need to study harder next time." Students from negatively stereotyped or underrepresented racial groups think, "I don't belong here." "I got in by mistake."

And that belief leads to al kinds of bad results: higher dropout rates, lower GPAs, less time spent at office hours, fewer emails sent to professors.

And, in what is probably one of the craziest applied/interventional psychology studies of all time, they found that a very brief intervention during freshman fall, in which students do a short self-affirmation exercise, produced four years' worth of positive results.

Belonging clearly matters. Self-affirmation, goal-setting, values, etc. are more empowering than, say, "required, ongoing cultural competency training" (www.thehappytalent.com/blog/required-ongoing-cultural-competency-training-for-all-academy-employees-is-dangerous-and-unethical) -- which kind of signals to minority students that they ARE different and they DO require all kinds of accommodations that other students don't. Does this increase feelings of belonging... or "otherness"?

Other belonging studies have been done on women in STEM, class, etc. It's a very interesting topic.

Does that (sort of) answer your question? I tried to be specific, but psychology is so dynamic and situationally-dependent. I guess the TL;DR is that your biological response to threat to status depends on your definition of status and your feelings of belonging.

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Jadzia

9/19/2017 02:56:53 am

It is interesting to read this because in the UK almost all schools have a uniform and strict rules about accessories. One of the reasons for this is so that parents are not under pressure to buy the most fashionable clothes. I never liked wearing a uniform but then ours was not a good one. However, it gets a lot of support from parents because they know how strong peer pressure is.

Ironically, there would be have been no prohibition on a valuable watch at my school because watches were permitted without any restrictions but I was in a state school so it would have been unlikely that anyone would have had one.

Ahh, the UK. On the topic of uniforms and dress codes, I'm actually somewhat ambivalent. There is evidence supporting either argument. I've attended schools with very lax dress codes, and schools with uniforms. Nothing really stuck out to me about either experience. Either way, I was going to school every day, having fun with my friends, learning new things, kicking the ball really far at recess -- I mean, basically the stuff I talked about in this article. Putting in effort and getting results I was proud of.

Of course, in the "uniforms" condition, students definitely put in the effort to do small things to push boundaries/stand out/break rules. Dark or bright lipstick, novelty socks, sparkly shoes, neon headbands, etc.

What I'm opposed to is condescending and infantilizing adults saying that watches and wealth differences are going to make teenagers feel bad. Treating kids like this damages them and makes them unprepared for life. Like, what happens in you walk into a job interview and the interviewer is wearing a designer suit? The candidate who didn't notice or care is going to get the job. The candidate who feels inferior because expensive things make them feel inferior... won't.

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Amin Riyadh

9/23/2017 05:56:39 pm

[[ I can't think of a single time in my life where I would have:

a) Noticed what kind of watch a peer was wearing, or
b) Cared. ]]

I don't really buy this. This is ridiculous amount of whitewashing yourself to be this over-perfect, impossible being. It doesn't work.

If you are a poor farm girl who went to a posh school on a scholarship then it is simply "unavoidable" not to notice the differences.

Care? There is nothing wrong with being somewhat envious. It is completely natural and healthy. What? You did not even have such feelings?

Hey! I can very well believe that you had a good time overall and your fellow students were not rich monstrosities [who belittle poorer students] AND that you were of strong character with good values who did not give in to negative emotions.

But, I simply do not believe this portrayal that you were of this inhuman character and strength. It does not happen. Therefore, completely writing out any vulnerability is plain nonsensical. And its effect is opposite, that this not a show of strength but of weakness.

It's not about my "inhuman character and strength." I don't know what's so unbelievable about someone who doesn't give a shit about expensive clothes and watches. I didn't then. I don't now.

I'm probably as far from being able to imagine feeling jealous or insecure because of someone else's clothes... as you are from being able to imagine *not* feeling jealous/insecure about those things.

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Amin Riyadh

9/25/2017 11:12:27 am

"I don't know what's so unbelievable about someone who doesn't give a shit about expensive clothes and watches."

The extent to which you portray yourself to be so above normal human emotions of vulnerability is unrealistic. It isn't caring about particular items, rather the difference in status and social class and wealth.

No one asked you about jealousy or insecurity. Especially a "hard" emotion like jealousy. Rather, what you were asked is that why you are so desperate airbrush every vulnerability? Who are you trying to convince? Yourself or the reader?

Your attitude is phoney and false and the effect is quite the opposite.

- -

"I'm probably as far from being able to imagine feeling jealous or insecure because of someone else's clothes... as you are from being able to imagine *not* feeling jealous/insecure about those things."

How about if we re-wrote this more accurately:

...probably as far from being able to imagine feeling envious or self-conscious because of someone...

I have human emotions. I'm just not insecure about other people's wealth. I'm not superhuman in that regard. Plenty of people feel the same way -- and, with a little cognitive reframing and/or effort to make accomplishments and contributions they're proud of, anyone can feel a stronger sense of self-worth, even in the face of extreme wealth.

Zeph

10/1/2017 01:57:12 pm

(I came back to this with the text still in the comment box, but I thought I had sent it; so if this double posts, you can erase the first version - I edited the text below before submitting)

Eva, I often appreciate your pushback against the tenets of the victimhood culture, reminding folks that placing a positive value on robustness produces better results than encouraging fragility. I think you often can make that point without becoming too smug or un-compassionate, and I understand how that can be a tightrope.

However this time I think you may have slipped in that regard.

While you may not recognize it, I believe this post strikes some readers as saying in essence "I'm better than other people because I grew up with solid self esteem, and other people's expensive watches wouldn't have bothered me".

Or put another way, "If those kids had just chosen better parents, they wouldn't care about such things".

I agree that it would be great if they had grown up such healthy approaches to life. And I like that you advocate things which could gradually grow among them a healthy, robust attitude, rather than fostering even worse self esteem though self-defeating PC approaches.

But I think you lose some people when you *appear* to be looking down on people.

You (and I) may be fairly oblivous to many of the status symbols that our species is fallible to, but many kids are not. I can see how a $12K diamond encrusted watch could seem like really flaunting wealth; that cost came not from having such enhanced functionality as to be worth every penny, but specifically from an attempt to make the watch into a culturally recognized status symbol - something very much in the mind of seller and buyer (and perhaps now being imbued into the teenager wearing i

Eva, you are exceptional, atypical - and that's a good thing, part of why I read your blog from time to time. But realistically, few kids of that age will have arrived at your mental state. Hopefully, their numbers may increase as they live in the world and take responsibiity for their own development, but at that age most have had no chance to remake themselves (neither cloning their parents nor defined & confined by their opposition thereto).

Kids feeling envy or resentment or like they've been one-upped in such a situation is not mainly a result of modern PC coddling, it would tend to result even long before the PC phenomenon, because it's likely part of human behavior (on average).

I think that helping them to see a better path needs to begin with understanding and compassion for where they are now and how they got there, and must work from that reality,

This post (for me) slipped away from that path, towards what feels like your somewhat flaunting your good upbringing, brimming with sold self-esteem which would immunize you from social pressures and conventional status seeking. SInce it wouldn't affect you, it shouldn't affect them, right?

I do see you as a compassionate person; I just see the tone of this post as slipping from a challenging path, not a evidence about you.

(The challenging path:most PC formulations are based on an appeal to compassion/fairness/guilt - the hook is "you must follow this prescribed behavior if you care about other people". So anybody questioning the *strategies* of PC, can be easily portrayed or perceived as "not caring". Any pushback is automatically treated as sexism, racism, etc because those formulations allow for no honorably disagreement about methods. Which is what I find pernicious about PC. So it takes skill to express opposition in a way that is not immediately dismissed and we all do that as best we can. Even with slips)

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