March 2017

March 29, 2017

Soooo....you know when you have one of those days/weeks/months where you feel like you don't have time to chew your food or wash the shampoo fully out of your hair so you're always a little hungry and you're scalp is a little itchy? Yes? No? Is it just me? It was kind of one of those weeks starting with Momo's birthday on the 20th, dipping into panic mode when I spilled water on my computer and it completely died, and ending with today/tomorrow, trying to pack and organize ourselves for our trip to Seattle.

I realized a few things this month:

1) It is virtually impossible to do a full on cleanse with a toddler. It just is. Left over Cheerios are shoved into my face before I can even remember I'm trying not to commit carbocide this month. BUT... I was better. I was a slightly more conscious eater and I did lose 3 lbs. I didn't eat a lot of crap and when I felt super desperate I had a handful (bag full?) of these dark chocolate chips and they hit the spot. I didn't do much dairy or bread and I realized I REALLY love dairy and bread. That said I feel a bit better and at least trying to be a mindful eater is a good start.

2) This isn't a quick race, it's kind of a marathon. Yeah, I needed to actually realize this, though I know it sounds kind of stupid. Clean eating, exercise and self-care need to be a way of life, not just packed into one month. Because what happens the next month? I kind of adopted the slow and steady wins the race mentality in that if I could do a 20 minute run (jog/shuffle), then great. It doesn't have to be a full on workout. I found myself frustrated with myself over the course of the month and then I just decided not to be. Part of self-care is being kind to yourself. I truly believe that. I often ask myself if I treated or talked to a friend the way I talked to/treated myself would I be my own friend? Probably not. So I did my best, which leads me to my third realization...

3) My best is good enough. All of our best is good enough. Sometimes we feel so much pressure to DO something. For me it's been to get my life together but what does that even mean? When do any of us ever feel like we have it together? For some people going through fertility treatments, people often feel like they aren't doing enough, researching enough, not doing more treatments etc.... each person has to honor what feels best for themselves and then we have to let go of the pressure or judgements etc and accept that we are doing our best and that's that.

4) Sleep is key. I didn't need to realize this. I know this. I lack this. This is a problem I don't know how to resolve it.

5) If we can move through life mindfully then we won't spill water on our computer. Nothing like a good expensive and stressful reminder that sometimes we all need to slow down. This is true for most people in a variety of life situations but in the fertility world it's extra hard because everything seems so pressing against the infamous biological clock. When you're life has been taken over by fertility treatments you just want that part to be over, so you want to go go go. At least I did. Noah made me slow down so we could catch our breath and make good decisions, and I appreciated that about him. Now, I try to remember that when I'm rushing around trying to do 50 things at once. I kind of feel like that a lot lately, like I'm doing a zillion things but nothing really well. But if I slow down and focus on one thing at a time it's incredible how my brain can lock into something and that is what being present feels like. I think. So I want to do more of that and less hanging out at the Apple store feeling like an idiot.

Anyway. That's what my month of "getting it together" has taught me, now it's about consistency implementing a few changes here and there so that I can start working towards feeling my best self.

March 20, 2017

So this is a quick post. A longer post about how I fell off the wagon this weekend is soon to come. And also a slightly nostalgic post about today being Momo's birthday. She's two. I can't believe it.

But for now I wanted to share that we are showing our film as part of a fabulous art exhibit in Seattle, called SEA-ART-HEAL: The Art of Infertility in Seattle. So if you're in the Seattle area and want to check us out click this link and come by!

March 15, 2017

So it sounds like some of you can relate to feeling...blah and out of touch with your body. Whether it's because after years of IF treatments you're now (thankfully) knee deep in diapers and don't know which way is up or if you're currently on the fast track to hormone hell via shots and meds, your body and the way you feel in your body really suffer.

The years I spent doing fertility treatments made me feel-- just gross. I felt like suddenly I had these extra chunky pockets of fat on my side butt that I kept telling myself would be good for when I got pregnant, but when I didn't get pregnant month after month I just felt depressed thus ate more crap to comfort myself. By the time I got P I was already in the hole, physically. I didn't feel strong and bed rest= muscle atrophy, and a lot of time to shove food in my face. When I gave birth, or I should say after my fairly challenging birth sans epidural because I'm an idiot, I felt like I could do anything in the world. Except ten squats or any lunges or a single sit up. Or what are those things called?? Burpees? Hell. No. Getting into shape didn't feel like an option, and here I am two years later and I finally feel like it's time. This is getting serious. I can't claim that "chasing a toddler around all day" is exercise, because while it probably does burn some calories, I am not in good shape. And I feel it.

My initial plan starting March 1 was to do a cleanse. Cut out certain foods and add in certain foods. I was hoping to do a two day watermelon fast and drink tons of water. Week one went ok, but honestly this stuff takes a lot of time-- to cook right and buy veggies constantly and to think about meal planning. I do it for Momo but I usually just shove five string cheeses into my face and then eat whatever is left on her plate. With my hands. Because I'm an animal. Nevertheless getting healthy and feeling right is important right now for me and (I was about to write 'more importantly' and then caught myself) for Junior Mint, Momo's twin/sibling embryo. Wow, they're kind of twins-- created on the same day but will be born years apart (hopefully). So I'll share my getting healthy game plan and how I conceptualize it in case anyone needs some ideas or motivation, then please feel free to share as well:

YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT:

If this is true I am a croissant.

And this is not about weight, or not just about weight, it's about how I feel. So I don't go on the scale often. Then I just feel shitty.

Since March first I cut out: dairy (except for a splash in some decaf tea because sometimes you need a little something delicious), carbs (yup, except for some grains like quinoa, occasionally brown rice), sugar (like refined added sugar and any sweets made with sugar. I eat fruit and a handful of these cacao chips when I'm desperate. I almost started licking a dried papaya spear the other day, I'm so addicted to sugar). Anything processed. Red meat (kind of, I'll eat chicken and fish a few times a week and just had a little red meat the other day but it was cheating per my own made up rules). And...caffeine. So pre March first I would have a delicious cup of coffee in the morning and something carb related. I was slowly committing carbocide and I didn't care. It was delicious. Now I eat a hard boiled egg or a banana and peanut butter and a green juice or a smoothie with flax seed oil and chia seeds and fruits. It's a shift in fuel and a shift in mindset. I want to be healthy and feel strong and not be addicted to sugar and coffee--- though coffee and a donut sound.... I'll stop. I also added in drinking green stuff (chlorophyl, spirulina) and when I'm focusing on a different organs I add different supplements (like cranberry juice when focusing on a kidney detox and milk thistle when focusing on liver). I also drink aloe vera juice. I think that's it. I'm not a nutritionist, I just made this all up and honestly I feel good. I feel better. I miss sugar. A lot. But I'll do this for a month then find a balance.

MOVE IT OR LOSE IT:

I've lost it. I was in decent shape at one point, several points in my life. Now when I wave, what were my triceps just flap in the wind. I hired a friend/personal trainer to work with me and give me some tips and while I don't fully have the energy to give 100%, I am prioritizing working out and have built it into my schedule and would say maybe I'm at 75% and I'm ok with that.

SELF-CARE

I have big plans for self-care, I just haven't executed them yet. Well I got a massage. And will get a haircut. But here's the thing. There are the simple "self-care" activities, like a mani-pedi, which can be great, and then there is actually taking care of yourself. For me that has been important to differentiate. What do I need most? Sleep. What do I do most? Everything but sleep. I pride myself on being efficient and planning ahead and being productive and for the past two weeks I let some of it go. Laundry will sit an extra day and I will rest. Then when I beat myself up about it I force myself to stop and be kind to myself. Permission to really take care of ourselves, right? Self-care isn't just about doing a bunch of stuff to feel good, it's about looking deep into what is emotionally exhausting us, looking at how run down we are, and making a commitment to changing the root of the problem, not just put nail polish over it.

Alright, that's enough of me for today. But please share any tips on how you motivate or are getting healthy.

March 08, 2017

Sorry I've been MIA. I haven't been in a dark hole of despair. I swear. The opposite actually. Well, not the opposite. I have moments, but I've been feeling ok and so appreciate everyones love and support. I did a mass email to "untell" all the friends and family I told, and while I felt...sad and kind of guilty, like I was letting people down or something, for a moment it actually felt good to me that I had so many people I blabbed my mouth off to to support me in good times and bad. I thought I would dread it, but it actually felt like I was normalizing that not all pregnancies work out and it's ok and safe to talk about it. I'm not responsible for making other people feel comfortable, but if I'm comfortable sharing then others will follow my lead.

What's been interesting to observe is my brain's tendency toward self-blame. Many of us do this, right? Something goes wrong and we try to find a reason or a cause, and with pregnancy, because it's in our bodies, we make that assumption that maybe we didn't do something we should have, or did do something we shouldn't have. I know some of us do this, not all. But I noticed over the past few weeks I find myself wondering if I lost the pregnancy because I'm out of shape. Because I'm tired and a bit worn down (Momo wakes up at 4am. Like. Every. Day). I wonder if I didn't DO enough to...I don't even know what, protect it? When I notice my mind going down this path I let it for a moment and then I just try to stop it. While I do believe it was likely a chromosome problem with my eggs, because most early miscarriages are, I also remind myself that people on crack get pregnant and carry to term. People in war zones. People under extreme stress. People who don't take prenatals or eat well, or eat much at all. Sometimes this happens and finding fault is a fruitless pursuit because in the end how does that help me?

Well, it doesn't and maybe it does a little. The experience has helped me realize I really do want #2 and that I need to get my ass in decent shape-- not just physically, and not because I think the fact that I haven't worked out in two years or that I only eat scraps off Momo's plate and a various assortment of string cheese and carbs caused this pregnancy to end, but because I need to feel like I have done everything I can to provide the best environment to grow a baby. Because I have one shot at this with the second embryo, and I want to know I am strong, mentally, emotionally and physically to do the transfer, and deal with the aftermath which will hopefully be a pregnancy and then a newborn.

I worked extremely hard to get and keep Momo in my belly. And birth was no walk in the park. This accidental pregnancy almost felt too easy. Easy in an amazing way-- that I will likely never really know. Soooo.... I'm committed to getting myself ready for transfer and being pregnant while having a toddler. I'll allow myself whatever space and time I need to feel bummed and disappointed, and I understand that some people just have to work really hard to create a family. I'm one of those worker bees.

So since March 1st I've changed my diet (no sugar unless it's fruit, no caffeine-- this is the killer right now, no dairy, no wheat) am am eating whole foods and lots of veggies and adding algae and other good stuff to cleanse the system. Basically I am prioritizing being a healthy eater again and when I say I desperately miss eating a box of cookies every night, I'm not exaggerating. I DESPERATELY miss it to the point where I find myself sniffing a bag of chocolate chips I have in a kitchen cabinet. It's pathetic. I'm addicted to sugar. So there's my diet and then there's the shape I'm in, or not in. I can no longer claim my workout is "chasing a toddler around all day," because it isn't making me look or feel good. Doing infertility treatments for years takes a toll. Being pregnant and on bedrest (did I mention I was almost 180 lbs when I delivered? I'm 5'4 and change) makes the body basically atrophy, so I hired a friend of mine who is a personal trainer to work with me. And the third change I've made is I'm going to take care of myself. I haven't in a long time. I preach self-care all the time but I don't practice it. So I got a massage and will get a facial this month, and on my 37th birthday, April 2nd, I will feel fucking fabulous even if it kills me! All this stuff takes time I don't have and money I don't have but for the month of March I'm just doing it and not thinking about it. I make me and my health a priority over other things and it will all find a way to get done. I will go through my gross clothes and get rid of stuff that has holes. That's my plan for March. Noah and I are kind of documenting it as if I'm a caterpillar and suddenly in one month I'll be a beautiful butterfly, so maybe I'll throw up a video in a bit. I've had no motivation for a long time and am often just trying to get through the day, but all that's got to change. And now I have motivation. We are planning to transfer embryo #2 by August at the latest. So I have to get my shit together. Period the end.

I really haven't felt good for a long time, in my body and in my energy. So while I'm using the embryo transfer as motivation, I'm really doing this for me. Because I know the embryo will either work or it won't and the outcome likely has nothing to do with my diet or my flabby thighs, but I want to feel good and I want to feel strong. So that's my plan. When I wrote to the clinic saying we were going to plan for a summer transfer, I got an email back about blood tests I'd need to do and costs of the procedure and while my heart sank for a moment, I just reminded myself some of us have to really work for it. I'll have to spend the cash. I'll have to drive to all the doctor appointments. I'll have to do the progesterone in oil to the buns (ugh that's the works), and I'll have to fly to another state and hold my breath and cross my fingers that the embryo thaws and that it takes and that it turns into Momo's sibling. I'm willing to work. I'm willing to fight for it. I just have to find the energy and my spirit back. So that's the game plan.

Thanks again for all the love everyone. I might keep writing about this for a bit unless no one cares and my month of personal spring cleaning is just lame, then I'll get back to the book. But if you're on board and want to take a few weeks to activate some motivation and self-care and energy to feeling good in your body and life then join me on this! Next stop is cleaning out the closest.