Two leading British biologists claim
to have found a new hormone which is responsible for the superior academic
achievement of teenage girls

Girls smarter than Boys say top Scientists

By our filly with her finger on the belly button of Teen Culture,
Keli McTaggart

In what has been hailed by many as the medical
discovery of the century, and by the US Viagra industry as 'feminist hogwash',
two leading British biologists claim to have found a new hormone which
they say is responsible for the superior academic achievement of teenage
girls

"Make no mistake about it," a bloke in
a white lab coat told Utterpants,
wringing his hands in despair. "The male sex does not yet know
what's going to hit it. Once employers get wind of these findings unemployment
among teenage boys will go through the roof."

The newly discovered hormone — hypothalagesterone
— or 'pussy smart' as the press have cheekily dubbed
it, is claimed to be released by the hypothalamus during intense
clitoral orgasms. The clinical tests, conducted over a three year
period by leading researchers at London's prestigious Centre for
Neuro-sexual Studies found that teenage girls who masturbated to
orgasm at least five times a week scored approximately 27.28% higher
in examinations than girls who were either sexually inactive, or engaged
in regular intercourse with male
partners.

"We were simply astonished by the results," gushed Gabriella
Lovejoy — one of the two biologists who discovered hypothalagesterone.
"At first we thought that the computer had malfunctioned, or that
the subjects we'd chosen were exceptionally brainy, but when Dr Bartholin
pointed out that all the girls were from trailer parks in Essex and
the computer was running Microsoft software we knew the results must
be correct."

"Why clitoral orgasms?" we asked.
"We really have no idea," explained the bespectacled biologist
breathlessly, "But it seems that direct
stimulation of the clitoral hood triggers the release of massive
amounts of endorphins by the brain — those are pleasure producing
chemicals you know — which in turn galvanise the hypothalamus
—"
"— Hypothalamus?" we interjected.
"It's a region of the brain that controls a huge number
of bodily functions. Located in the middle of the base of the brain,
the hypothalamus encapsulates the ventral portion of the third ventricle,
just below the —"
"— Yes, thank you, doctor," we interrupted, "but
what do these endo - endorph - endothingies actually do?"
"Oh, well, they cause the posterior pituitary gland to make whopping
amounts of hypothalagesterone as soon as the
girl
climaxes."

"So, what you're telling us is that sex makes you smart?"
"Oh no, not at all!" protested Dr Lovejoy, gesticulating wildly.
"Sexual intercourse doesn't trigger the production of this hormone
— clitoral orgasms do."
"So men don't have this hypothal — this hormone, then?"
we asked.
"Well..." replied the biologist with a blush, "there's
nothing to trigger it, is there?"
"Unless they have a clitoris?"
"Would they be able to find it?" giggled the doctor.
"Possibly not," we admitted. "But couldn't the hormone
be given to boys?"
"I wish it could," replied the doctor sadly, "but our
tests showed that hypothalagesterone breaks
down in the presence
of sperm."
"That seems like an argument for teenage girls to avoid sex?"
we replied.
"Well, I hadn't thought of it quite like that, but yes, if they
want to succeed academically, I guess it is!"

New statistics just published seem to confirm the biologists' findings
that, on average, teenage girls who masturbate regularly scored some
486% higher than boys across a broad spectrum of academic skills including
needlework, domestic science and SMS messaging, prompting the Confederation
of British Businessmen (CBB) to call for an immediate ban on the
sale
of sex toys to women under 65. Not to be outdone, UK Chief Rabbi,
Dr Jonathan Sucz, has asked the Department of Health to introduce compulsory
female circumcision to 'nip this unfair and unacceptable advantage in
the bud,' as he put it.

We put their concerns to Dr Lovejoy.
"Wouldn't that be like cutting off their nose to spite their face?"
retorted the discoverer of 'pussy smart', smugly. "If men start
snipping off the only thing that makes getting pregnant bearable, how
many women do you think are going to have their children?"
"So men are just going to have to get used to the fact that women
will get all the top jobs then?" we asked.
"Well, there's always
football," chuckled Dr Lovejoy.