“Waiting for that golden moment when fear and desire die, and only the unspeakable reality of love remains. “

Sometimes I forget that my kids think about their birth parents. It catches me off guard when I ask my son what he’s doing and he says he’s writing a letter to his birth mom. He wants to let her know how much he’s grown, and he loves her and wants her to stop taking drugs so he can see her again. He’s never met her. I have no pics of her. I’ve never met her. I wrote a heartfelt letter to her when she relinquished him, and it got to her much later while she was in jail. We never heard back from her though. Secretly it hurts to hear him write this letter. It leaves me feeling like I’m not doing enough to love him. It’s almost like secretly I wish they would love me so much that they would forget about them. Forget about the ones who gave them all these struggles in the first place. But logically I know this wont happen. Nor should it. It is my job to help them feel good about their birth parents so they feel good about themselves. To help them understand that they didn’t abandon them, but loved them enough to give them a better life and safer life. To let make sure they know how hard it was for them to let them go in the first place. And to make sure they know how lucky I am to have such wonderful children to love and care for. It’s my job to give them positive hope that they will one day see them again and get to share all these letters and feelings with them. As I watch my little boy’s eyes fill with tears as he realizes he can’t actually send this beautiful letter to the woman he knows about, but wants to believe she lives butterflies, I do just that. I help him feel better. I hug him tight, I let him express that he misses her and wonders about her. I tell him positive reasons why she didn’t write. I hug him tight and tell him how much I love him and that I’m grateful for God giving me a perfect son. Hoping inside that when he is older this is what he will remember instead of how much he gets in trouble. But secretly I think how easily positives are lost and bogged down by negatives. I say secretly because I would never share these fears with him. But with others I will share so that people understand other sides of adoption and that I’m not a super mom, I’m just a mom. And thankful to be one.

I get so upset on the mornings I know my kiddos are going to see bio parents. It used to not bother me. But this was before I was going to adopt them. I used to love sitting and listening to the parents stories of the kid’s lives. I used to love trying to get them to go to fun places to play with their kids. I used to love finding the right bus routes to make it easier for them to get to dr. apts. I used to love it because I was teaching. I expected the children to go back home. But then things got frustrating when the parents didn’t respond to any of my efforts. They didn’t follow through on any of my fun plans. This caused dissapointment and heart ache.
Now I hate parent visit days. I feel that all our privacy is taken away. I dont’ like my adopted children getting hugs from these people. They are just people, but when they lose their kids, they can become harmful people. And now my adopted children have learned to trust them.

I don’t understand why a parent who is facing Termination of parental rights and has to be supervised in visits has the right to go to dr. and dental apts. of the children and not be supervised? I also don’t understand why in mediations bio parents get attorneys for free, and foster parents don’t get any support. The county even puts school names in the court documents they give to the bio parents. This again makes no sense to me. Where is privacy protection for the ones who care for the children? Where is the protection for the children after the county is done with the case? Why do I have to feel like I have to move out of my home to give my kids and my family anonimity. We can get slammed for mentioning any little thing about their cases due to privacy laws, but there doesn’t seem to be any privacy laws for the foster parents. I just don’t get that! Why cater to the ones who abuse and not the ones who care for the abused?

I have never missed a single birthday of my nephew’s. Even when he was born I flew home to meet him. And soon after moved back home to be his favorite Aunt.
Today he turns 7. In the Filipines 7 is a big birthday. Very important. This is the first birthday I will miss of his. My brother and his wife divorced this past year, and it has been a nightmare. We all tried everything to stay family, but in the end hurtful words were said, and things done that tore apart our family. Funny thing is my brother is at his son’s party now. I guess that is how it is supposed to be. But my parents, and myself, and my children were not invited this year. We were told not to come. He is our first nephew, and grandson and the only one who is blood related to us. And we miss out now. All the holidays are different, but this is feeling pretty crappy. It just breaks my heart. And I am sure it won’t be the last time it breaks during my nephews life. He means so much to my family. Divorce doesn’t just affect you and your spouse, it affects the entire family. And the child is the one who pays the price. There is a reason why God does not want you to divorce and asks you to fight it out and work it out with the exception of abuse. It rips families apart. And it is always the innocent who get hurt. And it doesn’t end just because your marraige ends. Divorce sucks. And sometimes I wonder how I can ever truly forgive them for tearing apart our family like this.

I was reading a friends blog and she mentioned something that I have been struggling with as well. Kids adapting to new kids in the family.

My nephew is my love! He is the whole reason I moved back home. I cried every time I left and when I would get pictures of him in the mail I would cry. I wanted to be here to be a part of his life. And when I moved back home I did just that. I was the cool Aunt. The one who took him to the best places, the one who got him the cool toys, and the one who showed him how to play cool things like Gak and squirt bottle tag.

Then I decided I wanted to adopt and have my own children. My nephew took this very hard. A few months after I got Arius, I took my nephew into the bedroom and held him because he was upset at Arius. I asked him if he was angry that I brought Arius into the family. I told him he could tell me the truth and I wouldn’t get angry at him. He said Yes and started to cry hard. I held him and tried my best to explain how I wanted to be a mommy and how Arius needed a mommy. I promised to still try to do things with him sometimes that is just him and I. But when he started school it became a lot more difficult. I thought this talk would have helped him, but in his mind, Arius is with me all the time, having the time of his life. Or maybe because he has seen me get angry with Arius he thinks that Arius has turned me into a mean person instead of his cool Aunt. I am not sure. My mom said the other day my nephew was looking at pictures she had up of Arius and Reasa and Seany, and she saw him make an X over their pictures. She said it was like he was crossing them out. When she asked him about it, he clammed up. He is only 6 and already bottles up his emotions and thoughts. It had been a while since I had taken him out so durring break I took him and Jasmine to play lazer tag and just have a fun day together. He seems to get along great with my oldest girl. I wish I knew what to do to help him love Arius the way I do. Or that I could find a way to help them become good friends at least. (more…)

I was asked to write about some of my past on here. Suggested starting after highschool. Which is a decent place to start. But as I look back on my life, I realize that it really started some time before High school even began. I will jump through the years so don’t worry that you are about to read my entire life story in one post.

What makes me the person I am today? I think it is and has always been God. Even before I knew Him. When I was a little girl I would line up my stuffed animals and dolls and pretend they were my students. I would write out math homework, hand it to each doll, then do each page, then correct each page. I wanted to be a teacher when I grew up. And I did become a teacher when I grew up. A preschool teacher.

Something I thought was interesting, but what I remember even more, is that at that same age, I told my parents I wanted to adopt children. I wanted to have 10 children and I would adopt them all. We were living in an apartment in Reno at the time with my parents and my brother was only 2, So I was 10 at the time. And I am on my way to adopting children just like I wanted to 31 years ago. (more…)

I received a letter from my aunt recently. She is my dad’s oldest sister. She wrote about how christmas was back then, and she is right, it is something out of the history books for kids today, even for many adults, but it is still cool. What caught me is what she said at the end. So I thought I would share this part.

As I sit in my little home in sunny, warm, arizona, I think about christmas on the farm as I grew up. Those days are only stuff in history books to my grand children but the memories are sharp and clear to everyone in my age group. Christmas time was = of coming into the house on a cold day and the warm wood and coal heat felt so good on my cold face, fingers, and toes. Of the aroma of bread and christmas cookies baking, the smell of the live evergreen tree, complete with homemade decorations and glass balls, so carefully saved from year to year. The excitement of secretly making gifts for my parents and brothers and sisters. And , oh, that wonder of shopping in the stores of our little town! The hardware store and the grocery store had such a treasure of things to buy with my carefully saved pennies. If I was lucky enough to get a trip to the big city of Minot and then got to stay long enough to see the colored lights come on, it was magic. Most of the time, my family had to be home because there were chores to be done. All school and church programs started at 8pm because those chores had to be finished by the farm families first. I and everyone else were dressed in their best with parts to say or do in the programs. Then we each got a special treat of a sack of candy and nuts to take home!

Memories are great. Many say those were the ” good old days,” but I really like my electricy; hot and cold running water; bathrrooms and sewers; central heat; cars that start, with heaters and defrosters, roads that are cleared of snow; televisions; and phones that work. I am lucky to have lived to see all these marvels. Someday this will be the “good old days!”

How amazing it seems to me that all of these “marvels” are inventions that have all happened in my Aunt’s lifetime. I’ve been on the farm she talks about and can see her memories a little clearer. I’ve been to the small, “big city” of Minot and can picture the excitement! I love how she reminds us of all the things that we have to be thankful for. Things that many of us, including myself, complain about. The grass always does seem greener way back when and on the other side, but my aunt reminded me that the grass is pretty green right here, right now. Thank you God for all of the blessings I take for granted.

Wow, it has been a while since I have been on here. Taking care of four kids as a single mom will do that to a person.

Being a foster mom is just about what I thought it would be like. I paid attention in class. However, even though I paid attention and have heard of this happening, I was still caught off guard when it happened to me.

I have two girls who have been with me just since September 1, 2010. There have been many ups and downs. The four year old and I have had a lot of challenges that I have seen improve over the past few months. I always keep in mind whatever I know of past experiences for my foster kids, and that helps a lot. But challenges can wear anyone down. I absolutely love these two girls and wish they could stay with me, but I have known all along they were going to be reunited with family.

The family they will be reunited with are amazing and strong and trust in the Lord. I have a sense of peace for this transition that will be taking place soon. It is my job to begin preparing the girls for the move and so this is where my story actually begins.

On the drive home tonight it was pure chaos. My two four year olds were arguing like crazy all day. And I was just about out of patience, but a conversation came up between the two kids about getting to go to a family members to stay the night. I used this time as a way to bring up how exciting it will be for this little girl to soon get to live with her family member forever. And the little girl looked so shocked! Like I had just knocked the wind out of her, and she began to cry. ” I want to stay with you Jody.” I was taken aback by this response. She absolutely adores this family member and gets so excited every time she gets to go and stay the night. But at that moment the whole mood in the car changed. Because I was driving I told her we would talk about it more at home so I could actually hold her while I finished explaining it all to her. But she continued to cry softly and kept repeating, ” I really want to stay with you Jody.”

Why does this shock me? Because of how much she adores her family. Because of how often she tells me she hates me, even though I know it is just a coping tactict to deal with new boundries and rules, because she had been in such a mood all week that I thought for sure she would be excited. I never knew. She has always said she wanted to live with this family member. Her older sister has always expressed wanting to stay with me, and I see mood changes when we talk about it, but I never knew she, herself, wanted to stay.

When we got home I talked to her alone in her room. I held her and told her that I loved her so much, and that if it was my choice she would stay with me forever, but that her family missed her and really loved her a lot too and it was good for her to go back to live with them. That she would be safe and loved and cared for with her family. That her sister would be with her and her pets would be there too. She was trying to accept it, but was still crying and saying she wanted to stay with me. I finally ended with a big hug and told her, ” you have so many people that love you and all wish we could keep you, but only one of us can keep her, but that we would all stay in her life as best as we can.” She stopped crying and I told her again I loved her and we went out in the kitchen to make dinner. She was so perfectly behaved that I was fearful that she was hoping if she behaved I wouldn’t make her leave. Please pray for these two girls and their transition to their family’s home. Pray for both myself and this family member to know how to help them through the transition, and for God to give us the right words to say to comfort them. And finally for my own two children that started to get concerned that they would not get to stay with me forever and ever.

It was so hard to tell them that they would never have to leave me while not being able to tell that to the other two children. It just broke my heart. I was completely ready for this transition until tonight. Now I am left in wonder of all the things that transpired this evening.

I will say that I truley love being a foster mom and I NEVER thought I would feel that way. Who knew God’s calling for my life would be right here in my own back yard.