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The 2000 Dubious Achievement Awards

Jan 29, 2007

Whom Will He Be "Not Having Sexual Relationship With"?

Barbara Bush

Mother

+ Probably won't say no.

+ Won't blab to press.

+ Will really make him feel like Daddy.

+ Sibling rivalry.

-- 75 years old.

Chance: 32%

Laura Bush

Wife

+ He's married to her.

-- She's 54.

-- Graduated from Southern Methodist University.

-- Former librarian.

-- He's married to her.

Chance: 12%

Cindy McCain

Wife of John McCain

+ Hot by D. C. standards.

+ Had a drug problem, probably still parties.

+ Husband now George W.'s bitch.

-- Husband looks about ready to fucking snap.

Chance: 85%

Condoleezza Rice

Foreign-Affairs Expert

+ Eight years younger than his wife.

+ "Long-time supporter."

-- Strong chance of not going back should he indeed go black.

Chance: 80%

Karen Hughes

Communications Director

+ Ten years younger than his wife.

+ Described as "athletic."

+ Said to know him better than anyone else.

-- Said to know him better than anyone else.

Chance: 93%

Mary Cheney

Daughter of Running Mate

+ She's 31.

+ Openly gay.

+ Possible three-way with Gingrich's sister.

Chance: 0%

Lynne Cheney

Wife of Running Mate

-- Creepy similarity to Hillary.

-- She's 59.

-- Respected academic.

-- Degree in 19th-century literature.

+ Erotic similarity to Hillary.

Chance: 61%

Darva Conger or Monica Lewinsky

Notorious Lays

+ Both easy.

+ Both spread for fame.

-- Both will talk to press.

Chance: 12% (Darva) 0% (Monica)

Peggy Noonan

Speechwriter

-- Conservative.

-- Participated in Character Above All program on PBS.

-- Tendency to mention Jesus Christ.

+ Divorced.

+ Tore Hillary a new A-hole.

+ Gotta be gagging for it.

Chance: 27%

Mark McKinnon

Media Adviser

+ "Switched parties" when he met Bush.

+ Gushes that "I liked him right away."

+ Probably good for a blow job.

Chance: 59%

"Osaka"

D. C. Streetwalker

+"19."

+"Disease-free."

+"Likes it so much."

Chance: "0"%

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