I apparently do not understand how wallowing is supposed to work. I lost my second job last night. I got the standard corporate answers as to why. Restructuring, low workload, new management…

It's always the same reasons. Financially this is only moderately panic inducing. I won't starve. I won't end up without a home. My bills will continue to be paid and be paid on time. It's the crushing debts that are the issue. I originally took the second job as a way to make some extra cash in order to pay down all that delightful credit card debt I acquired. It worked! To an extent. Once I got comfortable I started buying things again. I paid off some debts and I acquired new ones. I paid that down and bought more stuff I didn't need.

Some things I DID need. I needed a dresser. All of my clothes was being housed in stackable plastic bins. I am no longer a college student and I needed a real dresser. This was purchased alongside a bedframe and head/footboard. I haven't had one of those since I was a kid. I was adulting.

When I got the news last night I ended up having a good ol' fashioned meltdown. Without even realizing it I was sobbing AND online looking for something new. My brain was doing two things at once. I was having two extreme emotions at the same time. Extreme sadness and extreme logical thought. Since I found out, I have cancelled all my subscription services (except Netflix, I'm not a monster!), reworked the budget, adjusted my 401K contributions, applied for one full time new job and one that is part time work-from-home. The fill time thing is a lark. There's likely no way I'd get it, but it is my dream job. Couldn’t bring myself not to try.

I'm still sad about it. I teared up a little today thinking about it. I loved that second job. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed the money it provided. While it's incredibly sad that we live in a world in which a person has to work two jobs to live comfortably; I am forever grateful that at the same time I live in a world where I can work part time from home.

While I sort everything out, I will get to write and read more. I'll get to work on my websites. I'll be able to spend more time doing the things that I enjoy doing that I haven't been able to do for the last year and a half.

I should be curled up on the couch with junk food and my favorite show, mourning the loss of my hefty second income. But I can't. I'm a planner. My wheels have to be in motion at all times otherwise I'll stop to notice they are a little wobbly.