BILL DOHERTY, the marriage therapist, was meeting with divorce lawyers. Not,for the record, to end his own marriage of 36 years. Nor was he there tolecture them about the damage their work wreaks on families. Doherty, awirey 63-year-old with fair skin and white hair, was moderating a discussionamong a small group of attorneys in Edina. The lawyers were wrestling:Should they suggest other options to their clients? Did their professionalcode of ethics allow them to caution couples against divorce?

Good therapist that he is, Doherty listened carefully for most of thesession and then, finally, offered his own vision: What about providing an“exit ramp” for couples on the road to divorce—such as reconciliationresources for interested couples? By the time the meeting was over, Dohertyhad “buy-in from every single person in the room,” says Linda Wray, one ofthe attorneys in attendance. In other words, he’d talked a bunch of divorcelawyers into counseling the virtues of not using their services.

William “Bill” Doherty is the director of the marriage and family therapyprogram in the department of Family Social Science at the University ofMinnesota. A practicing therapist, respected professor, and seasonedresearcher, he has been widely quoted on the subject of marriage in thenational media. He is the author of 13 books, including Take Back YourMarriage, and the producer of a number of video series, among them, one forengaged couples, featuring his daughter, Elizabeth Doherty Thomas. He mayalso be, judging by his resumé, the nation’s most zealous advocate forhealthy marriages.

Marriage is “good for couples, their kids, and society,” says Doherty. Butthe institution has also taken a beating since the 1970s, when Doherty firstbegan counseling couples. The stigma associated with divorce has largelydisappeared; and expectations regarding wedded bliss have expandedconsiderably. “Marriage has weakened as an institution while the ideals forwhat it should accomplish have gone through the roof,” he says.

Doherty doesn’t blame divorce lawyers or any specific group for the erosionof marriage. He points the finger at a number of factors, chief among them a“consumer culture” that surrounds marriage and his colleagues, therapiststhemselves.

THE DIVORCE RATE among American couples reached roughly 50 percent in the1980s, after climbing dramatically for two decades. And it hasn’t budgedmuch since then.

Part of the problem, as Doherty sees it, is the influence of consumerism onviews of marriage: “Consumer culture tells us that we never have enough ofanything we want, that the new is always better than the old,” he writes inhis book Take Back Your Marriage. “It teaches us not be loyal to anything oranyone that does not continue to meet our needs at the right price.”

The notion of spousal duty—sticking by your mate even in the most tryingtimes—seems to have disappeared from the marriage contract altogether. “Thetraditional marriage vows in some parts of the country,” Doherty noted in a1999 speech, “are changed to ‘as long as we both shall love,’ instead of ‘aslong as we both shall live.’ I think people now are beginning to seethemselves as ‘leasing’ a marriage…. [It’s] like saying, ‘I’m not sure ifthis car will last long, so I’ll lease.’”

Consumer attitudes have also heightened expectations about getting hitched.Doherty worries that newlyweds may have unrealistic ideas about what maritalrelations can actually offer. “Couples expect great sex and greatcommunications and equal-gendered partnerships,” he says. “There is maybeone couple who has achieved it, and they live in Indiana.”

Such problems are exacerbated, Doherty maintains, when couples seekcounseling. Most therapists are trained to stay “values neutral,” he says.Professionally, they’re expected to refrain from inserting their opinionsinto their clients’ decisions. If a client says her problem is her marriage,the thinking goes, the solution is a divorce. Rather then fight the seeminginevitability of a split, many therapists focus their energies on supportingthe individual in her decision-making.

But Doherty isn’t willing to give up on marriage quite that quickly. Thebenefits of marriage are too numerous: Research shows that married couplesare generally better off financially than singles and even unmarriedcouples. Married women are less likely to abuse drugs and alcohol thansingle women, and married men report more satisfying sexual relationshipsthan their bachelor counterparts. Children born to married parents are lesslikely to experience poverty, abuse, and behavioral and emotional problemsthan children born out of wedlock.

So Doherty is hustling to keep couples together—and sometimes even get themmarried. It’s consuming work that has Doherty delivering keynote speeches atconferences around the world and leading talks and groups here at home.Minnesota has a long history of support for couples and families, he says.But that doesn’t mean there’s always unanimous support for the kind ofmarriage-boosting initiatives Doherty would like to see funded. The state’s“many liberals and progressives identify a marriage-positive stance as aconservative value,” he says. (Lest you think he sounds like a right-wingpatsy: He’s pro–gay marriage. Communities are healthier, he says, whensame-sex couples are in committed, socially sanctioned relationships.)

IT’S DINNERTIME on a Thursday night and Danyelle and Davis Draheim areeating Subway sandwiches with other couples in the basement of CatholicCharities of St. Paul and Minneapolis. They’re here to participate in a talkled by Doherty on “Men and Women: How Are We Different?” The event is partof the Minnesota Family Formation Project, a Doherty-led effort for unwedparents interested in marriage—to keep fathers involved in their kids livesand reduce the strain on mothers who are often financially and emotionallystrapped.

Doherty relaxes as he talks, his scholarly locution replaced by the EastCoast accent of his working-class childhood. He grew up in a largeIrish-Catholic family in Philadelphia, where, he says, “marriage wasforever.” He met his wife, Leah, in 1970, and perhaps not unexpectedly, theunion has become a lab for Doherty’s ideas on how to get couples to connect:He often tells groups how he and his wife used to shoo their children awayfrom the table after dinner so they could talk for a few minutes—one onone—over a cup of coffee. Their rituals also include a nightly dip in thehot tub outside their Roseville home.

As the crowd polishes off the sandwiches, Doherty talks about expectationsin marriages. “We expect our spouse to act like our very best same-sexfriend,” he says. Heads nod with recognition. “It’s not going to happen,” headds. The group laughs.

The Draheims are here because they saw a flyer in a packet of new-babyliterature shortly after their first son was born. If they signed up toparticipate in a new program for unmarried couples, the flyer indicated,they could avail themselves of the services offered by a relationship coach,meet with a married mentor couple, participate in the “Couples Connection”classes Doherty leads, and get a yearly stipend. “It was 70 bucks,” saysDavis. “What did we have to lose?” Within a year of receiving the flyer,they were married.

It isn’t the first time Doherty has used financial incentives to encouragepeople to think about getting married or about nurturing their marriage. In2001, Doherty worked with state senator Steve Dille, of Dassel, to securewhat is now a $70 discount on marriage licenses for couples who complete 12hours’ worth of premarital classes. (Nearly 40 percent of newlyweds takeadvantage of the marriage-license discount, which couples can obtain if theyprovide proof that they’ve completed a pre-marriage education program.) In2004, Doherty and Dille worked together again to secure a $5marriage-license surcharge to augment $1 million in federal TemporaryAssistance for Needy Families (TANF) funds for the Family Formation Project.

Is there a return on the investment in marriage that Doherty—andtaxpayers—have made? Nationally, the divorce rate for college-educated womenhas dropped by one third in the last decade, and Doherty says young peoplehave a different view of divorce than their parents: 45 percent of 18 to 29year olds say divorce should be avoided except in extreme cases. Doherty’sown research on premarital education has found that premarital couplesprograms strengthens unions: A majority of the couples he surveyed saidpre-wedding conversations with a therapist, minister, or other professionalhad improved their communication and conflict management skills.

Doherty also believes he’s changing the “neutral” stance of some of hispeers. When he offered a workshop on “Couples on the Brink: Stopping theMarriage-Go-Round” at a conference for marriage and family therapists, hissession was swamped by nearly 400 attendees. The ensuing dialogue touchedrepeatedly on psychotherapists’ contribution to their clients’ divorces.

But some believe Doherty is going too far. Barry McCarthy, a therapist andprofessor at American University in Washington, D.C., thinks some marriagesare “fatally flawed” by abuse, deception, or serious incompatibility. Insuch cases, McCarthy believes therapists should keep their personal valuesout of couples’ decisions. Still, even McCarthy counts himself amongDoherty’s many fans.

“Bill is one of the most well-respected people in the marriage and familyindustry,” says McCarthy. Diane Sollee, the director and founder of theCoalition for Marriage, Family, and Couples Education, says Doherty has aunique ability “to work with very different groups all within their goalsand help them reach consensus.”

Like marriage, Doherty’s work takes plenty of commitment. “Couples work atmarriage together,” he says. “They take responsibilities. They don’t give uphope.” And neither, Bill Doherty adds, will he.

Andrea Grazzini Walstrom is a freelance writer who lives in Burnsville.