You know,
if there’s one
topic that a Sailor
can always speak
about in a
knowledgeable way,
it’s knots.

Tying knots are ,
along with:
swabbing decks,
chipping paint,
manual of arms,
and standing a
lonely fire watch
at oh-dark-thirty
in the morning,
are about the first
things you learn
about when
you’re adjusting to
Navy life in boot camp.

Add shining boots,
dropping quarters
on bunks,
scrubbing the head,
doing push-ups
till you die,
cleaning rifles,
and just generally
looking busy are also
very important lessons –

– oh, and
speaking
of knots……..

– who could forget
the most important one-

–the maintenance of
those all essential
emotional knots via
the art of writing letters.

You might be totally
illiterate the day you
arrive at boot camp,
but by graduation,
you’ll have written so
many letters to your
sweetie and back home,
you’ll be a pocket
Hemingway.

One of the advantages
of military service
( at least when I was in )
was that you could write
a letter home on a piece
of box from a C-Ration,
put an address on it,
and it would get delivered –
– no postage required.

I’m not sure how that was
handled by the Navy –

– all I know is I scribbled
many a line on many a
scrap of paper and the
letter always got there.

Even the steamier ones.

And boy, can a Sailor
write a steamy letter.

Naturally, it would
be a lot easier
to just go to the
Navy Store and buy a
postcard that already
cut right to the point
for you…..

but in whatever
spare time one
finds himself with
in boot camp, the
loneliness and
boredom makes
one naturally
take to pen and paper.

And that especially
applies when it
comes to that ‘special’
person —

— such things can’t be
left up to random
chance and generic
postcards, ya know.

You’d be surprised
how easily even the
toughest character
finds it to
use terms like:‘yearning’,‘desire’,and ‘devotion’ —
and epithets like: ‘my dearest’, ‘darling’, and ‘sweetheart’
in a letter
when he’s far
from home.

When it’s time for
mail-call —

a desire to read a
reciprocal expression
of the feelings expressed
in ones’ own letters
becomes oh, so
very important —

— when you don’t
hear back right away
sometimes it seems like
you’re totally cut off from
your loved ones.

It can drive ya crazy.

And of course,
you always want to feel
connected to the ole
homestead.

Why does that
sense of being so far
from home make for
better letter writing ?

Perhaps because
it’s really the only way
to express certain ideas
and feelings at a particular
moment in time —
one is inspired
to make his message
run deep, and clear,
like the blue ocean —

and to tighten the
knots of sentiment,
tenderness,
and intimacy.

Even today, with all the
different technologies
available…

I’m sure that
a heartfelt letter
goes further
to express the
emotions, and
the sense of
appreciation
for those
far from you
in distance
but close to you
in spirit.

“Jack (Kerouac) loved
women not only
for their bodies but for the stories
that came into being as they interacted with him– — they were part of his “road,” — the infinite range of experience that always had to remain
open to fuel his work.”

Mister Boneheaded ,
… err…. I mean,
Mister Müscleheaded,
has asked me to answer
a few of these letters
that our kind readers
have sent to us……

As to his remark about
love being all about science,

I’d say more ‘anthropology’
in HIS case ….

Considering the intellectual
level upon which this blog
is written,

and

considering the Neanderthals
he hangs out with
at that dungeon of
dingy doltishness
that he calls a ‘gym’.

As to these ‘letters’,
I’m not really expecting
anything too complicated…

So let’s dig in,
and see what other
kinds of fossils
we can find, shall we?

:::
:::

Dear Suzie , I always end up
getting in a fight with my girlfriend
this time of year, because otherwise, I gotta spend a lot of money for Valentines Day presents, flowers, candy,
and stuff like that.

We always make up
a week or so
after February 14,but long enough
so’s she can’t expect me
to gift her retroactively.

But my friends say that it’s just a matter of time before she catches on.

Why can’t she love me
for myself and not my money?

PS: Oh, and love the umlaut !!!Signed, Careful With Money.
.
.
Dear ‘Careful With Money’:
My friend,
you obviously
got the wrong end
of the cattle prod
this time.
Yep.
Because you are:

A Petty, Parsimonious,
Penurious, Penny Pincher,

A Churlish, Cheap,
Crumdgeonly Codger,

A Mean, Miserly,
Manipulative Money-
grubbing
Misanthropist ,

A Stingy, Skimpy,
Sponging Skinflinty
Scumbag,

and
An Avaricious, Accumulating,
Acquisitive, Anti-Human….

But,
no….

I wouldn’t call you
‘careful with money’.

And, she’ll figure it out
eventually,
— if there’s any justice
in the world.

In the meantime,
watch out,
ya cheap bastard.

PS: You would like
that umlaut shit.

(<editors note–
hey !?!?!?!?!?!?!>)

.
–
.

Dear Suzie, I love a girl at the
gym named Lita,
and, although
she doesn’t
even know me yet,
I think she would love me too,
— if she’d only return
my phone calls.
(I got her number from
the guy at the desk.)
The one time
she DID answer,
she told me to stop
bothering her,
and to never, never,never call again —
but I think she’s just afraid
of her husband
hearing her express
her love for me. Do you think I should
send a telegram instead?
(The guy at the desk
gave me her address, too) Signed,
Prince Lovesick.
.
Dear Prince Lovesick,
I can understand
why she won’t answer
the phone.
You couldn’t take a hint
if it was a truck
that hit you and
then backed up
over you fourteen
times in a row.
The only things
that Lita’s got going
for her is that:
you’re obviously too
stupid to know
how to manage to
send a text message,
and too much of a weak dick
to talk to her in person.
Buy yourself an
inflatable love doll
and leave the poor girl alone,
… or I’ll come to your
house one night
and turn you back into a frog.
(Muscleheaded gave
me your address.)

(<editors note–
and man, she can do it, too>)

.
–
.

Dear Suzie, I’m having a problem
getting my girl friend
to give me head. What should I do? Signed, Anxious.
.Dear Anxious,
I understand why
she wouldn’t give you head.
Why don’t you grow
one of your own ?
Men are always
expecting women
to give up everything for them
without giving anything in return….

But expecting her to give up
such an important body
part as that,
well, that’s just ridiculous.

And, while you’re
growing a head,
why not grow
some cajones,
while you’re at it.

(<editors note–
I think maybe Suzie skipped health
class that day>)

.
–
.

Dear Suzie , I keep telling people
that ‘love’ is nothing
but a four letter word.With the high rate of divorce
and relationship problems
in the world, I really don’t understand why people
can’t understand that.

What do you think?

Signed, Confused and
Concerned in Concord.
.

Dear C & C in C:
Yes, L O V E is a four letter word.
How very astute of you.
I’m very surprised that the
Oxford Dictionary of Philosophy
hasn’t asked you to publish
an article for them.
PS: Please do not breed
under any circumstances.

(<editors note–
I’m with Suzie on
this one, again, sorry … >)

.
–
.

Dear Suzie, I’m no good at writing
love letters and stuff, …. but I wanted to
send a girl in my class
something that would
tell her how I felt.

I decided to use some lyrics
that I heard on the radio… I thought she’d never
know the difference, but somehow she found out, and she even got mad at me
because of the lyrics. She keeps calling
me a ‘plagiarist’
— whatever the hell THAT is.

My question is: What’s wrong
with what I did,
and what’s a plagiarist,
anyway?

This is normally
the time of the month
for “Suzie Wonder
Answers Your
Questions About Love” —

But,
unfortunately for us,
Miss Suzie Wonder
is off gallivanting
somewhere on vacation,
so Buzz The Mechanic
will answer the “love”
questions today.

Buzz is an Ace Mechanic —
— hot rods are his specialty–
and he’s been chompin’
at the bit to write his
own column on the
Muscleheaded Blog ,
so, he’s
gonna fill in for Suzie.

One of his favorite tools
is an air hammer,

so, I’m thinking,
as far as subtlety goes
at least, that you
probably won’t
even be able to tell the
difference…..

We’ve done a bit of editing
to make the whole thing
a bit more ,
well,
less…
oh, just go ahead and
read the damn
things, wouldya ?

(we only got one –
Suzie must have
ripped up the rest)

.

Dear Suzie (BUZZ):

As a woman (MAN) I’m sure
you’ll be able to relate to
this issue I’m having
with my husband.
He spends 12 hours a day
in the garage working on
his car, complaining it’s
under-powered and slow.
He’s got engine parts spread
out all over the garage, the kids
can’t get to their bikes, and
he never has any time for
my many relatives who
are constantly visiting.
What’s up ?

Signed,
Constance in Cowtown.

::

Dear Cowtown Constance,
I would definitely suggest
a valve job — new rings
and pistons with a fuel
injector setup should make
a general improvement in
horsepower.
As for the many visitors,
if he adds some noisy
headers, he can rev
the engine up and run
those folks off quick.
A nice beer cooler
out there in the
garage is also a good
way to keep him get
organized and focus
on the tasks at hand,
especially since the
kids can’t get out
there now, anyway.