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To me, RAD expectations are taking a child from a place where they did not have a chance, to one where they do.

RAD Expectations can be Monuments of Achievement, Rather Than Pillars of Failure.

If Charles Dicken’s character, Philip Pirrip came with Great Expectations, they paled in consideration to what I had for children as they joined our family through adoption. A poor, orphaned child raised by a grouchy older sister, for obligation more than love, little “Pip” had only his sister’s husband, the wise but simple Joe Gargery whose love he could trust. But it was enough. If Joe could love Pip enough, I could love my “children-by-circumstance” enough, too. If Joe could overlook Pip’s naïve embarrassment and “uppity” behaviors towards him, and keep coming back for more, simply because Pip needed him… If Joe could continue to love Pip, whether he deserved it or not and always give him another chance, I could do the same. Surely, if I followed the example of the humble blacksmith, whose physical attributes were as strong as the metal he formed, but whose heart was as soft as a child’s, then our family story could end as happily as a Victorian novel. Unfortunately, Victorian novels don’t allow for Reactive Attachment Disorder. It didn’t take long before I saw that I needed to trade in Great Expectations for RAD expectations.

The difficulty arrives when the day of reckoning comes and we have no choice but to exchange great expectations for RAD expectations.

In the beginning, I expected that my daughter would work through her challenges associated with Reactive Attachment Disorder and that by overcoming them she could focus on helping others to do the same. I expected her come from a beginning extremely more difficult than anything I had ever experienced, and to advance to heights far beyond anything I had ever achieved, only because she was eventually given pure love along with better than average resources. (Eye rolls accepted now…) Yeah… and I have the nerve to call myself a realist. Ha! Even so, thank God for the optimism and feelings of invincibility that come prior to extreme challenges! This confidence moves us to actions in situations where we are desperately needed, but would never venture with more accurate visions of the future. The difficulty arrives when the day of reckoning comes and we have no choice but to exchange great expectations for RAD expectations.

If we choose the road less traveled, RAD expectations are monuments of achievement rather than pillars of failure.

Are RAD expectations really all that bad? I mean, it might require a shift in perspective to consider those words. But I can shuffle a few feet in a different direction and view my child’s true potential next to her beginnings, where Reactive Attachment Disorder started, rather than viewing the same potential next to my dreams. When I make a comparison between those two… comparisons, the distance between the subjects is equally great. It’s just that one leaves a massive gap to be filled with disappointment and perceived failure. The other view can only show achievements, relative happiness and yes… even miracles. If we choose the road less traveled, RAD expectations are monuments of achievement rather than pillars of failure.

To me, RAD expectations are taking a child from a place where they did not have a chance, to one where they do.

To make such a comparison we need to accept how dismal hope was from the position where our children began. If their journey through life continued down the path on which it began, with conditions that spawned Reactive Attachment Disorder, their futures were much more likely to be unsuccessful. Sure, with their current paths, there is still often danger and a chance of complete failure. But because they now have parents who love them (though perhaps through great frustration), who are problem solvers (while not being perfect), who have resources (obviously they are limited, but are probably much more than drug addicted parents would have), and have shown the ability to learn and progress (though at great cost), our children have a chance. To me, RAD expectations are taking a child from a place where they did not have a chance, to one where they do.

Such optimism needs to be applied to RAD expectations.

I once watched a silly movie where several nerdy friends in their thirties decided to resurrect their break dancing group from Junior High years. In trying to convince one of the ones holding out to join them, they asked a woman he had a crush on what chances he had of being with her. He was deflated when she replied that he had “zero percent” chance. When they asked how the odds would change if he was a member of a break dancing group she considered the question and raised the odds to three percent. When she heard the name of the group, The Funky Fresh Boys, she dropped the odds back down to one percent. The hold out friend excitedly exclaimed that one percent was still an infinite increase over zero percent! Such optimism needs to be applied to RAD expectations.

If we raise a child’s chance of success from zero percent to one percent, a mathematician will confirm that the chances of success are infinitely better. And I would say that in almost all cases, our efforts increase the odds far more than one percent. To me, that makes RAD expectations good things rather than bad ones, in our journey through Reactive Attachment Disorder.

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Often, readers receive as much help from other readers in the comments section as they do from the blog article, itself. Please be generous with your thoughts and experiences in the comments section. There are lots of people who need what you have to share. This is your chance to help them.

About the Author

John M. Simmons is an adoption advocate and author of the award-winning novels The Marvelous Journey Home and To Sing Frogs. John performs television and radio interviews and writes editorials to share his experience with special needs and international adoption. He appears at book clubs, and is a frequent guest speaker for various groups to increase adoption awareness. He and his wife have three biological sons and six adopted children.