When extraterrestrial acting android Tom Cruise split from Nicole Kidman in 2001, the Church of Scientology made every effort to ensure that its most photogenic saint didn't end up marrying some threesome-having, snaggle-toothed, flaxen-haired floozy — church officials were going to orchestrate Cruise's third marriage much the same way Disney casts smiling, inoffensive faces for its movies, at least according to Maureen Orth's cover story in October's Vanity Fair, provocatively titled "What Katie Didn't Know." So what didn't Katie Holmes know when she started riding around on Tom Cruise's motorcycle? For starters, that her relationship with Cruise followed closely the Church of Scientology's failed attempt to cast a young Iranian actress named Nazanin Boniadi in the role of Tom Cruise's next swing dance partner.

The Church denies that it meddled in Tom Cruise's sexytime lovelife, but Orth tells a more sordid story of the organization essentially making Nazanin Boniadi over into an appropriate Tom Cruise partner back in 2004. This process (cloaked under the innocuous sounding "special project" heading among Church officials) included extensive training for the Iranian-born actress/former med student and a makeover that included darkening her hair and straightening her teeth. The Herculean effort to make Boniadi acceptable to Cruise, however, proved futile — after a ritzy first date in New York, Boniadi apparently displeased Cruise by speaking out of turn to Church leader David Miscavige. She allegedly later earned ditch-digging duty from the Church for breaking her confidentiality agreement and displaying emotion to a friend after she and Cruise stopped seeing each other. Though news of arranged unions in Hollywood isn't earthshattering, if Orth's story proves accurate, the Church of Scientology has a particularly icky way of going about this matchmaking business. [Vanity Fair, NY Post]

Nicolas Cage apparently owes $224.48 in late fees for renting two DVDs from Old Bank DVD in Downtown L.A. I always assumed people who made movies were super-respectful about renting movies, i.e. the always rewound tapes and treated DVDs with the respect one shows to fragile artifacts. And they most certainly did NOT hold the The King of Comedy hostage for months on end. The illusion, unfortunately, has been shattered. [TMZ]

Conversely, Michael Phelps' balance sheet is in the black after the famed breakfast enthusiast won $100,000 at a Las Vegas poker game. [TMZ]

The long arm of the law is tapping celebrity power couple Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez on the shoulder, asking for some more info about an alleged fight with a paparazzo back in May. Stay tuned for Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez fleeing police on a cross-country rampage à la Natural Born Killers. [TMZ]

The illustrious cast — which included Gerard Butler, Adrien Brody and Mickey Rourke — of a revenge drama called Motor City was told that they didn't necessarily have to go home, but they couldn't stay on set because the movie had lost its financing. [Deadline]

Despite what Seal has said, Heidi Klum is telling her friends that she never fornicated with a bodyguard. Also, "fornicate" is a gross word. [TMZ]

Stevie Wonder has apologized for suggesting that Frank Ocean is "confused" about his sexual orientation, which hopefully means that there's a duet on the horizon. [Advocate]

Madonna and Elton John were spotted laughing and chit-chatting at a restaurant, meaning that their feud either a) has reached a peaceable stalemate or b) was all bullshit in the first place meant to make gossip columnists feel busy. [The Sun]

Carrie Reichert, the woman who handled Prince Harry's gilded genitals, has characterized her night with Harry as a "drunken fumble," explaining that "the alcohol affected him." Fairy tales, it seems, really are bullshit. [Mirror]

Half of the Burt Bacharach songwriting team has died — Hal David, who helped pen "Wishin' and Hopin'," as well as "Raindrops," died Saturday at 91 after suffering complications from a stroke. [AP]