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For the Loss Mama

Six years. I can't quite fathom how it can already be six years since we
welcomed our second born and almost in the same breath said goodbye. So
much is different. Vastly different from those days of constant sadness
and tears. Maddox now has 3 younger siblings. Time allows the bleeding
to stop and the tenderness of the wound to lessen... But as with any
trauma, the scar is still there. It always will be.

I wonder sometimes
if people think we're crazy for "still" saying we have 5 kids. Sometimes
I even feel like I'm not being truthful and even have to caveat my
description of my family. Sometimes it feels easier just to say 4 kids
and move on... But on occasion when it happens, it doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel like I'm
doing Maddox justice. Our journey justice. But most importantly, Our
Lord justice. His faithfulness. His grace. His mercy. His people. His
healing and restoration and redemption. Our story isn't really ours. It's
His.

As I hear Scout pray at night and thank The Lord for Maddox and the
rest of his siblings ...oh, be still my heart. He doesn't yet know the
big story of God's faithfulness to our family, but he knows his big
brother by name. He knows he is in Heaven. He knows his picture and can point him out. It's the legacy of
The Lord and what He can do with our hearts when things go exactly
opposite of our hopes and dreams and prayers. That He is still God and
knows us intimately.

I have felt compelled these last few weeks
to write down a few of the most important things I would want to share with someone else walking this road. My hope is that if you know anyone in a similar situation, or you encounter someone in the future, you
might be able to be a source of compassion and understanding and support. Those that
surrounded us while we were in the depths were often "God in
flesh" as the waves swept over.

For the loss mama...

There
is no manual for this. There is no time limit for it either. Your grief
is your own and while there are healthy and unhealthy ways to process
all that is going on, do not let anyone tell you how it MUST be done.

If
you are sad, allow yourself to feel it. If you want to spontaneously
laugh, do it without reserve. I was always worried about what people were thinking. I know you're afraid that people will think you've forgotten, or are in denial. No one will think you have forgotten your
child. I promise.

If you need a good cry, you can do it alone. Or with your spouse. Or best friend. Or do it with your counselor. But be like Nike and Just Do It.

Talk about your child. To a journal, to God or to live people.

Remember the joy you felt before the sadness because some days the sadness feels like it might consume you.

Sometimes you will feel like you are drowning. Don't be afraid to reach out for help. It is helpful and necessary.

Tell those around you what you need. No one knows but you. If you don't know, tell them that... and if you do, tell them that too. And know your needs will probably change. And that is just fine.

Accept
help. It's okay to need something today and not tomorrow. It's okay to
welcome a question one day and despise it the next.

Give people GRACE. They will say and ask stupid things.

Give
YOURSELF grace. You will be irrational sometimes. Fears about your
other children. Fears about people judging. Fears about inadequacy.

You
might feel like you "just want to get it over with." The grieving that
is. It's okay. Just remember it's a process. Life is a process.

You
might feel like life is unfair. That everywhere you look people are
pregnant and have newborns. The truth is... Life IS unfair and it's okay
to feel that way. Just don't steal anyone's joy in your time of
sadness.

You can be mad at God. He's big enough to deal with it.
He did create you and knows it anyway. BUT do.not.live.there. Work
through it WITH Him.

Do not allow your loss to define who you
are. It is a defining moment in your life, but you are not the loss. You
are not your grief.

People will fail you. People will disappoint, disappear, not have words or have too many. Whatever your expectations are, people will not meet them. They will fall drastically short. The only one who will truly be there is the Lord. He's the only one who will ALWAYS be there in the hurt.

Make memories in the grief...

Although
you feel like you're dying, you are actually still living. And there
are living people around you. Don't forget them. They might be what
actually keep you going.

Allow the physical pain to exist because when that goes away the emotional pain will most likely take over.

Get
in a hot shower. They might tell you not to. "It will produce more
milk." Let me tell you, the milk will come. Hot shower or not. The milk
might be the hardest thing about not having your baby. It was for me.
Allow the shower's hot water to mingle with your milk and tears. Let it
all out. Let it all wash over you. It's an emotional cleansing. Your
body, mind and spirit need it.

Love your husband. Be patient. He
might not look like he is grieving. HE IS. He wants to be strong. He
wants to protect you. He can't let it consume him because he's afraid
the whole ship will go down.

Keep moving forward. It might just
be to get out of bed today. That's a step forward. Two forward because
tomorrow might be one back. Remember. It's a process.

People will forget. Not intentionally but they will. They
will forget that it's Wednesday and he was born on a Wednesday. They
will forget your due date. They will forget the 3 or 6 month mark. Your
world has stopped. It's so unfair but theirs have not.

Don't feel
guilty. Not about what could have been, should have been or what
actually was. "All the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:16

If you feel
despaired, cannot seem to manage your grief, anger, sadness, or hurt, be
sure to talk to someone. It is crucial to get the help you need,
professional or otherwise, to be able to stand on the other side of your
loss.

Free yourself to dream... About that next child, about
that dream vacation, about where you will be in a year or five. Envision
yourself outside of the grief you are living.

Love yourself. The
good, bad and ugly. God can use anyone, anywhere. The Bible is
overflowing with stories of grief-filled people that are redeemed and
restored as they put their trust in Him. "...The author and perfecter of
our faith." Hebrews 12:2

Kenzie: My days are always enriched when I read something you share. What a beautiful/genuine/transparent soul and person you are. So nice to "hear" from you.

I was stunned to consider 6 years (!!) have gone by. But Maddox has not been forgotten, nor your family. What a beautiful testimony you share of how God brought healing, restoration, and a testimony for His grace. Beautiful.

Life "anonymous" above, I was thrown off by the total of five children. Has someone new joined your loving family? Or is there one whom we perhaps just hadn't known of before?