The
mail’s been
just
overwhelming!
This from Dr.
Beebeb D.D.
Chatterboks of
Pissepore,
Uzistan: the
good doctor,
who holds
several
post-doctoral
degrees in
holistic and
ana-holistic
statistics,
has two
amateur
passions:
prostate
massage and
sound-system
room
treatments. In
the interest
of delicacy,
we direct our
attention to
the latter.
Dr.
Chatterboks
has made a
study of
runes, which,
for the one or
two of you out
there who may
not know, are
ancient
characters
found in
Anglo-Saxon
and Teutonic
inscriptions.
Runes, which
bear a
resemblance to
several
letters of our
modern
alphabet, are
thought to
have been
adapted from
Helleno-Italic
writing, that
is, surviving
fragments –
household
memos and
shopping lists
– by mostly
deceased
Italian women
named Helen,
whom
Calabrians
call Gina.

According
to Dr.
Chatterboks,
one runic
character, an
upside-down,
lower-case
aitch with a
vertically
doubled hump,
has proved
especially
useful in
taming
standing waves
and comb
filters, and
seems also to
be effective
as an appetite
suppressant.
The walls of
Dr.
Chatterboks’
listening room
in Uzistan are
similar to the
adobe of the
American
South-West.
With the help
of a cheese
spreader, Dr.
Chatterboks
has inscribed
about five
hundred of
these
upside-down,
double-hump
aitches at
varying angles
on all four
walls and
reports a
result
superior to
that of costly
professional
room
treatments.
The standing
waves have
walked. He’s
not seen a one
since the day
he did his
walls. As Dr.
Chatterboks is
hairless, he
is less
certain that
the comb
filters have
likewise
departed. Our
Uzistani
correspondent
tells us that
sheetrock and
plaster walls
lend
themselves to
this
treatment. One
simply has to
scratch
harder.

Correspondent
Adolph
Grossputz of
Peculiar Pond,
Minnesota
reports talk
in the tavern
of doing away
with the
one-cent coin.
The dear old
penny. Seems
they cost more
to make than
they’re
worth.
According to
Mr. Grossputz,
many of us
have huge
penny
collections we’d
intended to
haul down to
some
supermarket
penny-counter
to cash in for
dollars. Of
course, says
Mr. Grossputz,
they haven’t
made pennies
of copper for
ages. Some
less expensive
alloy. Well,
he continues,
it just so
happens that
whatever the
U.S. cent’s
made of
resonates
audibly when
excited by –
you guessed
it! –
loudspeaker
output. Says
Mr. Grossputz,
"I have
come up with
the most
amazing way to
create a
surround-sound
environment on
the cheap. If,
that is, the
listener has a
whole lotta
pennies.
Distribute
them in
foot-high
heaps around
the sides and
rear of your
listening
room. You’ll
be amazed at
the illusion
of
spaciousness
– all those
little pennies
resonating,
jingling….
Simply
astonishing!
Never mind
that the
string bass
will take on a
gamelan
quality. You’ll
soon adapt to
these new
timbres and
harmonics. And
dynamics? Don’t
ask!"

Arabella
Sinuswad of
Awldedd,
Norway
describes a
tweak not many
of us would be
willing to
imitate.
Arabella’s
father, who
dotes on his
daughter –
that’s
important –
runs a lumber
mill. Arabella
has built a
listening room
the size of a
working dairy
barn, within
which she’s
built two
speaker
enclosures –
actually, her
boyfriend
Fasoldt did
the work –
of
lakeside-cottage
dimensions.
Many of us
prefer to play
our sound
systems with
speaker
grilles
removed. Not
so, Arabella,
and you’ll
soon know why.
The
enclosures,
floor-standers
in a
high-gloss
cherry finish,
are actually
empty chambers
into which,
through a door
in the rear,
local
performers
enter and play
for Arabella
and her
guests, most
of whom belong
to the Awldedd
Sonicteers,
the prefecture’s
audio society.
No need to
mention that
Arabella’s
the queen of
the long,
long, long
north
Norwegian
night. The
most
discerning of
the society’s
audiophiles
have not seen
through her
little ruse,
though a few
have remarked
the stereo
image’s
ping-pong
character.