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This must have been what people felt like when they first heard the toe-tappin' sounds of those long-haired beatniks from Liverpool. The musical movement that will, indubitably, define our generation has taken form. Round, hot, cheesy form: Macaulay Culkin's Velvet Underground tribute band The Pizza Underground — the monument of musical creativity that recalibrates the lyrics of classic numbers by Lou Reed and company to focus on the theme of pizza — has released its first video and announced a cross-country tour:
January 24 - Brooklyn @ Brooklyn Night Bazaar w/ French Horn Rebellion, Rush Midnight, Heavenly Beat &amp; Seasick MamaJanuary 25 - Philadelphia @ PhilaMOCA January 26 - New Brunswick @ OutworldJanuary 31 - Austin @ Breakpoint on The BoardwalkMarch 5 - San Francisco @ Neck of The WoodsMarch 6 - West Hollywood @ Whisky A Go GoMarch 7 - San Diego @ Ux31March 8 - Tijuana @ MoustacheMarch 10 - Tucson @ 191 WarehouseMarch 11 - El Paso @ The Lowbrow PalaceMarch 12 - Dallas @ Club DadaMarch 13, 14, 15 - Austin @ SXSWMarch 17 - New Orleans @ Hi-Ho LoungeMarch 18 - Mobile @ Alabama Music BoxMarch 19 - Atlanta @ Mammal GalleryMarch 20 - Raleigh @ KingsMarch 21 - Washington, DC @ Black CatMarch 22 - Brooklyn @ Baby's All Right w/ Total Slacker
Culkin and his bandmates will kick off their two month- and 18 concert-long tour on Jan. 24 in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, gracing states like Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Texas, California, Arizona, Louisiana, Alabama, Georgia, and North Carolina — not to mention stops in Washington D.C. and Mexico — along the while. Surely it is the dream of any kazoothiast to embark on a Kerouacian journey following these polyunsaturated troubadours from start to finish... but that takes a good deal of planning and budgeting. Endeavors that a small percentage of the Pizza Underground's target demographic is willing to brave. Luckily, we have your backs. We here at Hollywood.com are lovers of Culkin, of Lou Reed, of pizza, and of the lost art of itinerary creation. We've come up with a complete fiscal guidebook for the greatest journey ever to befall humankind: following Pizza Underground across the country.
How to Follow The Pizza Underground Across the Country
We'll begin with universal costs: the tickets. Here are the prices for each of the shows on the Pizza Underground tour (those unlisted have not yet been announced to the public):
Brooklyn @ Brooklyn Night Bazaar - FreePhiladelphia @ PhilaMOCA - $15Austin @ Breakpoint on The Boardwalk - Free, but sold outSan Francisco @ Neck of The Woods - $10 - $12West Hollywood @ Whisky A Go Go - $20San Diego @ U-31 - Not yet revealedTijuana @ Moustache - Not yet revealedTucson @ 191 Warehouse - Not yet revealedEl Paso @ The Lowbrow Palace - Not yet revealedDallas @ Club Dada - $13 - $15Austin @ SXSW - Not yet revealedNew Orleans @ Hi-Ho Lounge - $15Mobile @ Alabama Music Box - $10Atlanta @ Mammal Gallery - $10Raleigh @ Kings - $13 adv, $15 doorWashington, DC @ Black Cat - $15Brooklyn @ Baby's All Right w/ Total Slacker - Not yet revealed
You'll notice we left out the New Brunswick @ Outworld venue. That is because there is no evidence that this establishment actually exists. We've tried Google. We've tried asking Jersey residents. We don't know what else to try. Still, we've included New Brunswick in our itinerary, just in case any of you have better luck in unlocking this mystery.
At this point, the ticket price amounts to $121 - $127. Calculating the average price per ticket ($11 - $11.50), we can estimate a total range of $187 - $196. Let's go with $196, to be safe.
So now it's time to discuss transportation. The first basic question mark concerns the long stretch between the first Austin show and the San Francisco show, otherwise known as February. Will you return home (to wherever that may be — we're going to assume Brooklyn) for the month of February, or keep course on the open road, living rogue as pizza surges through your blood?
In order to fund this trip, you might want to have a steady paying job, which will entail (most likely) you to actually do it. This means February should probably be set aside for actual life routines. As such, you'll probably want to stick to your personal automobile or public transport for the Northeast shows, isolate the Breakpoint on the Boardwalk concert with a roundtrip flight to and fro' Austin, and then hit the road (or fly out to Cali) for your trip.
If you're going to isolate Austin... You'll probably want to fly out from JFK, leaving on Jan 30, staying in a local hotel (for which you'll find pricing below) and flying back home on Feb 1. Right now, this will run you approximately $238. You can check a list of flight options here. Once March hits, you can proceed with your plan by either-Flying to San Francisco and traveling on land from there. Presently, a flight to San Francisco will run you about $139 ($124, if you're willing to fly into San Jose). Peruse at your leisure.-Driving to San Francisco via RV or car, and continuing on your journey in said vehicle. (The respective sections below will clue you into the fiscal plans for either method.)
But you might want to skip Austin altogether.We hate to say it, but it could be worth it. First off, the show is presently sold out (although there are always ways...). But its isolated location and date could pose more of an inconvenience than anything else. Plus, you will indubitably return to the Austin area later on in your trip for the SXSW shows. Bear that in mind!
Or... you can do the whole thing in one fell swoop, month-long wait-around period included.And here's how that would go down:
-Rent an RVAgain, let's assume you live in Brooklyn. Odds are, if you're a fan of the Pizza Underground, you do. As such, getting to this Williamsburg venue won't be a hastle. But you will have to rent some transport for the following shows. You can go the old fashioned way, but considering the six full days of driving that you're about to embark upon, you might want to kick up the luxury just a bit: rent an RV.
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The closest Cruise America to Brooklyn would be in Roslyn, on Long Island, running you $89 a night for standard-sized RV, in addition to mileage costs of $0.34 a mile. For a 56-day trip that takes you a total of 7,606 miles, that will amount to $7,570. Then, of course, there's gas. Your RV is estimated to burn a gallon of fuel every eight miles. Gas prices vary substantially throughout our great nation, but we've factored the average per gallon cost for each of the locations you'll be visiting to be $3.22. Some quick math will lead you to a grand gas total of $3,061. Combine this with your $7,570 and you've got a grand transportation total of $10,631.
That's a pretty penny, but luckily you're not alone: the RV, complete with bedroom and kitchen, comfortably sleeps five. If you can rally a full team for this trip, it'll leave everyone only spending $2,126 on this leg of the journey. Of course, this is on top of tickets (which would bring it to $2,322) and food.
If you're going to isolate or eradicate Austin...If you are planning to eradicate the first Austin show from your itinerary, this changes things... for the better! First off, your stay in the residential vehicle will be substantially shorter, since you're cutting out an entire month in the process. (If we're being logical, you won't need the RV for the first three shows if you're not going to continue on straight from Jersey. Just take a car to Philly and New Brunswick.) A 20-day stay in the RV will run you $1,780, plus a mileage bill of $2,344 for the 6,897 miles you'll be driving. Tack on gas expenses of $2,776 and you've got $5,120.
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FoodNaturally, you're going to want to keep in step with the theme of your trip and only eat pizza. Since you're starting your trip in Brooklyn, we assume you'll want to stock up on your entire pizza banquet there, seeing as how the locations to which you plan on traveling will supply you with far inferior examples of what you know to be a delicacy. There are some problems with the plan:-One pizza pie, in Brooklyn, will run you an average of $15. Estimate that each person will consume one pie of pizza per day. That's 56 pies of pizza per person (realistically, you won't be able to fit all your pizza in the RV fridge, but we'll get back to that), amounting to $840 for your entire diet budget. But...-You'll need a second, third, and maybe fourth fridge. You can recycle the pizza boxes and wrap each pie in tin foil to make more space in the RV fridge, which should be stocked to the brim, but you still won't have nearly enough room for 56+ pizza pies. We know, the thought of succumbing to non-New York pizza is nightmarish, but we have a mission here.Still, you will want to limit your intake of pizza from the otherlands. We figure that, if you're ambitious, you can stuff 20 pizza pies into one of these RV fridges. That'll keep...i) one of you fed for 20 daysii) two of you fed for 10 daysiii) three of you fed for six days and the next morning's breakfastiv) four of you fed for five daysv) all five of you fed for four days
Which means, of course, that you'll eventually have to stop and get more pizza. But where will you be?i) By the 20th day, you'll be... Non-Austin: Back home. Perfect plan... for you. Your friends are starving, though.Austin: In limbo, killing time between Austin and San Francisco. Restock anywhere but New Mexico (their pizza is so bad, the locals are known to throw it on roofs!), and then again in 20 days, when you'll be somewhere in Southern California (where the price is also about $15 a pie). ii) By the 10th day, you'll be...Non-Austin: Dallas. Average price = $9. That'll last you 'til home.Austin: Limbo. Restock a few times before hitting California, then again in San Francisco ($15), Austin ($12), then you're home.iii) By the sixth day, you'll be...Non-Austin: Tijuana (your guess is as good as mine). After that, Austin ($12), then Raleigh ($10), then home.Austin: Limbo, limbo, limbo, limbo, limbo... San Fran ($15), Tucson ($10), Austin ($12), Washington D.C. ($15), home.iv) By the fifth day, you'll be...Non-Austin: San Diego ($15), Dallas ($12), Atlanta ($12), home.Austin: Limbo x 7. Then San Fran ($15), Tucson ($10), Austin ($12), Raleigh ($10), home.v) By the fourth day, you'll be...Non-Austin: West Hollywood ($15), Tucson ($10), Austin ($12), Mobile ($10), Brooklyn for one last show (just grab a buffalo chicken slices at Anna Maria's on Bedford), home.
-Drive your own car and stay in cheap hotelsOne last time, let's assume you live in Brooklyn. If you don't, you can come stay with me the first night. (Just don't be loud, Matt has to get up early.) After that, however, you'll need to find a place to stay in each of the cities you visit. But let's back up just a second.
Considering the fact that the hotel plan would be highly unfeasible in the Austin-included route, we'll just assume that you're starting with San Fransisco for this foray.
Right off the bat, you've got that pesky RV rental fee taken off your lap. There's a good chance, too, that you've got better gas mileage in your standard sedan than you would in those fuel guzzlers — let's estimate 30 miles to the gallon.
That's $740 so far, which you can split with whatever passengers you're able to accumulate. And here's where the hotel prices come in:
San Francisco: Redwood Inn - $89/nightWest Hollywood: Comfort Inn - $89/nightSan Diego: Best Western Plus Hacienda Hotel - $64/nightTijuana: Motel 6 San Ysidro - $42/nightTucson: University Inn - $53/nightEl Paso: Ibis Juarez Consulado - $35/nightDallas: Days Inn - $33/nightAustin: Rodeway Inn - $59/night x 3 (three night event)New Orleans: Sun Suites - $39/nightMobile: Family Inns of America - $30/nightAtlanta: Masters Inn - $29/nightRaleigh: Econo Lodge Inn &amp; Suites - $40/nightWashington D.C.: Knights Inn - $42
All together, that's $729. Add that to $740 (split between however many people with which you're traveling) and you've got your transporation total. But now we're back on food.
FoodWithout a fridge, you'll be needing to make daily pizza stops:
San Francisco: $15 a pieWest Hollywood: $15 a pieSan Diego: $15 a pieTijuana: ?Tucson: $10 a pieEl Paso: $12 a pieDallas: $12 a pieAustin: $12 a pieNew Orleans: $13 a pieMobile: $10 a pieAtlanta: $12 a pieRaleigh: $10 a pieWashington D.C.: $15 a pie
So we've covered almost all bases. The only option unaccounted for is the fly-to-San-Francisco-and-travel-on-land-from-there option. Since you're ending up in Brooklyn, you'll probably need to finagle one of those deals where you drive somebody's car across country for them. There are people who pay you to do that. Check Craigslist. Be careful, though.
SO THAT'S IT! Now you have all the information necessary to follow Macaulay Culkin's pizza-themed Velvet Underground tribute band across the continental United States. The dream.
Bon voyage!
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Disney
Welcome to October, friends. It's time to finalize those Halloween costume plans, pull your sweaters out of storage, and down so many Pumpkin Spiced Lattes that you almost go into sugar shock. It's also time for every family channel on television to put Hocus Pocus back into heavy rotation.
The live-action Disney movie turns 20 this year, and remains a cultural touchstone for every kid who grew up watching it. And it's impossible to grow out of it. Two decades later, Bette Midler, Kathy Najimy, and Sarah Jessica Parker are still delightful as the Sanderson sisters, three colonial witches who are brought back to life in early '90s Salem and run amok ("Amok, amok, amok!"). We still identify either with new kid on the block Max or his annoying tag-a-long little sister Dani (a very tiny Thora Birch). We still cry when Binx the cat dies. And "Come Little Children" still gives us the creeps.
For a kid, Hocus Pocus is just scary enough to feel a little bit illicit. Think about it: in the opening exposition, the Sanderson sisters are hanged for murdering Salem's children by stealing their souls. Yikes. And then a virgin lights the Black Flame Candle, and suddenly it's a fish-out-of-water comedy with the murderous sisters befuddled by modern inventions like, say, the bus ("Tell me, friend, what is this contraption?") or a lighter ("Look! He makes fire in his hand!") In one memorable scene that must have slipped past the Family Values lobby, the girls meet a man (director Garry Marshall in a cameo) dressed up as the devil and fall down worshipping him ("Oh, master!). And we've got the Divine Miss M, so why not throw in a production number?
The spell has a hold on us, for sure. Happy birthday, Hocus Pocus. Thanks for the memories. And for the word "yabbos." We still use it a lot.
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Warning: Don't even consider reading this article if you haven't seen the latest episode of Breaking Bad yet, you loon.
After about 59 minutes of causing you to vomit out your entire central nervous system, Breaking Bad set its dear viewer to a state of blissful melancholy as Walter White rode off into a silent sunset, shotgun to a faceless criminal who specializes in making people "disappear." Not in the dead way, in the starting life anew way. But after Saul Goodman's phantom associate whisked an all-but-defeated Heisenberg off to the Granite State (as far as we can surmise from the flash forwards), we caught glimpse of a stray dog skipping across the road, hopping swiftly aboard the curb as the screen faded to black.
What the hell was up with that?
After an episode that packed an impossibly chaotic rise and fall, plot turns that contort every theory and preconceived notion to which we might hold fast, a stampede upon all of our emotional investments in the Breaking Bad characters, we close on a dog. After what felt like a veritable sweep of each of the tall drama's many chapters, a border collie scampers along the Albuquerque highway. After Walt watches his brother-in-law get shot in the face, knife fights his wife, gets tackled by his teenage son, kidnaps his baby daughter, and tells his best friend that he watched the love of his life choke to death on her own vomit, we fade out on f**king Lassie.
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The extended canine metaphor dates back, most memorably, to the fourth season episode "Problem Dog," in which Jesse Pinkman, crushing under the weight of his own guilt, subs in the titular moniker to identify Gale Boetticher, whom he murdered at the behest of Walt. Two years later, we revisited the theme with "Rabid Dog," in which Saul batted around an Old Yeller analogy to suggest that Walt put a paroxysmal Jesse to certain rest. And two weeks after that, we see Jesse chained up by Todd — weird, weird Todd — after Walt chokes up from a stomach full of resentful agony an abandonment of his friend and partner and casts him off to the clutches of the neo-Nazis.
Jesse is leashed in the ad hoc meth lab by Todd, who baits the tortured young man with a snapshot of his cherished ex-girlfriend Andrea and her son Brock. Closing in this image, of Jesse itching with horror over the idea of these monsters having his family in their eyeline, we know that Jesse must find his way to freedom... we hope it, anyway. And perhaps the galloping hound is meant to all but shout this outright. Walt is out of the picture, New Hampshire bound to leave the mess he has created behind him. But this story, as we know, is not over — even if we hadn't seen the flash forwards, there are still two more episodes to go. There are still dogs left runnin' around.
But is this an inherently good sign for Jesse? The tone attached to the final seconds of the episode was terrifically ominous, as has been every mention of dogs this show has ever produced. Breaking Bad's utilization of the canine race is far more in line with The Sopranos' use of the dead Christopher's cat than with Lost's use of life-affirming Vincent. To this viewer, the border collie sauntering across the ABQ highway didn't quite have the feeling of a spirited pup throwing caution to the wind to make the world his oyster (or whatever a dog's equivalent of an oyster would be... like, maybe, a rubber squeak toy shaped like an oyster? Would a dog be into that?), rather an on-the-run, cold-and-alone, doom-around-the-corner feeling. Jesse's story might not be over yet, but it's on its last flea-bitten legs.
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Hmm. For a show currently about "The War of the Five Kings," Game of Thrones is certainly ignoring said Kings right now for some more interesting subjects... mainly, the ladies. And I have to say — I don't mind at all! The captivating Margaery Tyrell has taken King's Landing by storm, and with Dany's army growing by the thousands, I'm thinking that the Iron Throne may have a ferocious female on it by the end of this series — for good. But that will be like ten years from now, so let's stop focusing on the future and just hop right to it!
North of the Wall: And we picked up… right where we left off. Samwell Tarly, scared s**tless by an army of White Walkers, had been abandoned by his Brothers in Black and was running around aimlessly in that North of the Wall wilderness. He saw a decapitated head and almost lost his own when a White Walker with an axe attacked, but in the last second, Ghost (and the Old Bear) saved the day.
RELATED: The Book Lover's Spoiler-Filled Guide to Season 3 of 'Game of Thrones'
Sam was then scolded for not sending the ravens — his "only job" — because now they were f**ked. Well, I mean, everyone on this show is f**ked, but Sam and his Brothers were in grave danger of freezing to death. And they had to get back to the Wall quickly, the Old Bear said, because "before winter is done, everyone you know will be dead."
And with those words… welcome back to Game of Thrones! It's been a long year, but I'm extremely excited to share the madness that is Season 3 with you all, my fellow Westerosi psychopaths. I must mention that I am a rabid R. R. Martin book reader and will occasionally throw in some comparison/analysis, but this is a NO SPOILER zone, because I am not a total jerk. Still with me? Good. Away we go!
Wildling Camp: Jon Snow, abandoned to the Wildlings as a spy by Qhorin Halfhand, has absolutely no idea what he's doing. I mean, way to leave detailed instructions Halfhand, emIright? He saw his first giant and nearly peed himself to the amusement of Ygritte, who loves nothing more than when Jon doesn't know about something.
Ygritte and her grisly friends brought Jon into Mance Rayder's tent, but not before he was pelted with rocks by the local schoolchildren. "Don't worry," Ygritte teased. "If Mance Rayder likes you, you'll live another day. And if he don't…." She was smiling from ear-to-ear. Such a capable flirt, that Ygritte.
So they went to Mance's tent and pleaded his case, which was basically just "I killed Qhorin Halfhand!" He got on his knees and said "your grace" to the wrong guy — Tormund Giantsbane —which was just hilarious to the Wildlings. They don't kneel to anyone beyond the wall, explained the real Mance Rayder, who quickly caught on to the fact that Jon and Ygritte want to make love in this club. Jon was just so tremendously uncomfortable during this entire interaction, but then Rayder shook his hand so everything was cool. Rayder HATED half hand — and actually, he was the guy that took HALF of his HAND — so Snow was pretty neat in his book.
"Why do you want to join us, Jon Snow?" he asked. Jon said he wanted to be free, but Rayder didn't buy that load of BS. So then he told the story of the dead baby boys and the White Walkers back at Ole Craster's house, and how Mormont already knew about the Walkers' existence and that was just so not cool, and Rayder bought that hook, line, and sinker. Snow was in, and he was in deep. Like The Americans style, just with less fancy wigs.
King's Landing: The Lannister family was just in shambles. Shambles, I tell you! Tyrion had his squire Podrick interrupt Bronn's sexy times in order to accompany him on a visit to Tywin, and their walk through the castle grounds allowed us to see the damage that Stannis' attack had done. But first…
Cersei entered Tyrion's seriously downsized room to further torment her "little" brother, which is her favorite thing to do now that Sansa is sort of a non-entity. She wanted to see his face, she explained, when asked about her intentions. "They said you'd lost your nose, but it's not as gruesome as all that." This is a nod to the injury Tyrion received in the book — there, he actually did lose his nose, and it was totally gruesome. I spent all of last season wondering how they'd deal will Tyrion's injury — I don't think they'd want to make Dinklage impossible to look at — and I'm not at all surprised that they just have him a little scar. Anyway.
Cersei knew that Tyrion planned to meet with Tywin that day, and she wanted the scoop on his agenda. Tywin hadn't visited Tyrion once, which is absolutely terrible and so very Tywin of him. "You're going to make me cry," Cersei said. This reminded me of the hilarious scene in Arrested Development where Lindsay Bluth tried her best to fake tears, and I laughed. Oh, how I laughed.
Cersei was very nervous about what Tyrion was going to tell Tywin, but I think if he was going to spill about the Jaime/Cersei situation he would have done so long ago. Also, Tywin hates him and "loves" his other two children, and would therefore never believe him. So.
The father/son meeting went like this: Tywin accused Tyrion of spending his days as Hand of the King drinking and whoring, when we all know that he spent them coming up with a badass plan to defeat Stannis' army, so, not fair. Also, he was only bedding one whore, which is totally romantic. So Twyin was a big evil grump, and when Tyrion asked for some payment for bleeding and almost dying for his family, you knew it wasn't going to be good.
What did he want? Why, what was owed to him, of course — Casterly Rock (that's the Lannister's mansion/home base, FYI). Though Jaime was the eldest son, he was also in the Kingsguard, so he was unable to hold land or title. Tywin's response?
"I would let myself be consumed by maggots before mocking the family name and making you heir to Casterly Rock…You are an ill-made, spiteful little creature, full of envy, lust, and low cunning. Men's laws give you the right to bear my name and display my colors, since I cannot prove that you are not mine. And to teach me humility, the Gods have condemned me to watch you waddle about, wearing that proud lion that was my father's sigil and his father's before him. But neither gods nor men will ever compel me to let you turn Casterly Rock into your whorehouse. Go now, and speak no more of your rights to Casterly Rock."
EPIC. BURN. Also, probably the cruelest thing I've seen a parent say to their kid on TV, ever. Except for maybe when Caroline on The Real Housewives of New Jersey called her daughter fat for like an entire season. Oh, and one more thing: "the next whore I catch in your bed, I'll hang."
That was intense. Let's move on to err, happier topics. Sansa and Shea seem to have developed a friendship, and now that Sansa isn't tortured by Joffrey 24/7, she has time to do things like stare at boats. Littlefinger approached the daughter of his lady love, and she begged him to take her out of King's Landing. He was waiting on an assignment that would send him far from King's Landing, and Sansa should be ready to leave at any moment. Good for her… right? Err, maybe not.
"Watch out for her," Roz — who has been promoted to Littlefinger's Executive Assistant — said to Shae, of Sansa. "I always do, Shae replied. (Another big departure from this books. That Shae was most definitely NOT loyal to Sansa.) "Watch out for her with him," Roz emphasized. I mean, yes. Littlefinger is a total creepshow.
Finally, it's time for a Joffrey and Lady Margaery update. Joffrey my cat is actually sick with a cold, so there's your update on him, but let's talk about the on-screen version now. Margaery in the books was always sort of a mystery — she never had her own POV chapters, so we haven't gotten to know too much about her. But Margaery on the show is a DYNAMO! She already has all of King's Landing eating out of her precious little hands. She walks around without guards, feeding and telling stories to the poor with at least 80 percent of her breasts exposed at all times. They LOVE her. She listens to their sad tales about that time their father died protecting King Joffrey, and honestly seems to make them feel better. She's a true politician, and I already love her. Oh, I love her so much. "Under King Joffrey's leadership, your fathers saved this city. They saved us all. From now on, we're going to take care of you. All of you." They gather around her like she's King's Landing's version of Jesus — that character from the Roma Downey series The Bible — and she tells the orphanage owner lady to come to her whenever they need food or clothing.
Joffrey watched her with awe — why don't they like me like that, he wonders? I honestly can't think of one reason, Joff! But at least one person seems to like Joffrey a whole lot better than Margaery: Cersei. See, Sansa was easy for Cersei. With her father's head on a spike and her family condemned as traitors, she could control her. Margaery? Not so much. Margaery's family barged in and saved the city during Blackwater, and brought in loads of foods and attractive women.
Cersei's way of dealing with this as of now is with backhanded compliments, but Margaery is just as, if not more, cunning than she is. She deals with Cersei with ease, and our pal Joffrey is smitten. Good drama is on the forefront, methinks. But let's move on...
Ugh, Davos: So Davos is alive. I mean, I knew he was going to be, but his scenes on this show are such a total snooze-bomb. Actually, that's sort of how I feel about everyone involved with Stannis' plot line. Oh well. So he was marooned on some tiny pile of rocks and managed to flag down Salladhor Saan's (the pirate) ship, so yay. Rescue for Davos.
Saan gave Davos an update on the couple we shall now and forever refer to as Stannisandre: Melisandre had burned everybody on Dragonstone who didn't believe in the Lord of Light, and she had sang as she did so. Nice. Still, Davos was just DYING to go back there because he's an idiot, and I guess the following quote from Saan meant yes: "When you're dead, I'll gather your little balls in a sack, and let your widow wear them on her neck."
Let's not speak of Davos for this rest of this recap, yes? Yes? Ugh. No. We have to. Let's make it brief. Saan dropped him off at Dragonstone, and Stannis the Smiley and Melisandre were not in a very good mood. Davos tried to tell Melisandre off for murdering everybody, but she turned it around and said it was somehow Davos' own fault that his son and all of the other men died at Blackwater, because she wasn't allowed to be there. Yeah, totally his bad. Also, she said that he should be happy about his son's demise since death by fire is the purest death, and Davos, understandably, did not react well to this. He tried to go after her, but we all know that Melisandre will never ever die because she's annoying and this show only kills off people we like. They threw Davos in the dungeons, and hopefully he'll stay there silently for awhile.
Camp Robb: Robb Stark, who has TOTALLY morphed into a manly man before our very eyes, approached Riverrun expecting a battle with The Mountain (Gregor Clegane), but when they got there, 200 northmen were dead. Somehow this was all Jaime Lannister's fault, even though Jaime Lannister hasn't been able to do jack s**t since Season 1. Robb's men assured him that Jaime wouldn't be free for long as they had their best man after him, so — FORESHADOWING! Obviously. Jamie is f**ked.
This was also somehow Catelyn's fault, so Robb had his men find her a chamber that would serve as her cell. It's sort of like when kids put their parents in sh**ty nursing homes. Not cool, Robb. But, anyway — this is all we saw of Team Stark this episode. That's what happens when your show has 57 main characters. Moving on.
Across the Narrow Sea: Hey guys, did you know that there are dragons on this show? DRAGONS! Emilia Clarke really doesn't have to do anything besides stand there and look hot and regal and let her Dragons run around and do tricks. Millions of dudes would still watch the show.
But yeah, the dragons are biggish now, and they (and Dany, and the remainder of the folks she had with her in Qarth) were sailing toward Astapor on the ship they bought with Xaro Xhoan Daxos' stuff. I'm really glad he's off the show now, so I don't have to write his name after this ever again. They were there to purchase an army of slaves, even though Dany is a Civil Rights activist and doesn't believe in slavery.
They land, and meet with a slaveowner who says crude things about Dany in a different language while she barters for her army. Bad move, dude. But his beautiful translator gives her the PG version version, explaining that this army of 8000 "Unsullied" are castrated non-men who fear nothing, not even death. To prove his point, the slaveowner walks up to one and cuts his nipple off and just throws it, while the dude stands there without filching. "This one is pleased to have served you," the Unsullied said.
Oh guys. The Unsullied are just so damn weird. And we're going to be with them for quite some time, so buckle up. Get this — in order to earn their shields, they have to rip a newborn babe from its mother's arms and kill it right in front of her, to prove that they have no emotion. This is insane and after last year's slaughter of the Baratheon bastards, Game of Thrones has officially become the most baby-killing-friendly show on TV. But at least they give the mother's owner a silver coin for her troubles. They're not unreasonable, you know?
Dany leaves to think it over, and consults with Mormont. She's not too happy about hiring 8,000 men that have rid their world of 8,000 babies, but Mormont thinks she needs them, and would be a better owner than anyone else who would buy them. To drive the former point home, an androgynous child (a girl, right?) rolled Dany a ball. Cute, Dany thought. A game. But no! A hooded man ran out and knocked the ball out of her hands just in time, before the thing opened up and released some sort of horrifying spider/scorpion combo. The man stabbed it, then revealed himself as Ser Barristan Selmy, the old knight that Joffrey kicked out of the Kingsguard back in Season 1.
Selmy begged Dany for her forgiveness for not protecting her family back when Robert Baratheon took over, and he humbly pledged his service. Now, in the books this mysterious man was not revealed to be the long gone Selmy until near the end and it was a well-earned moment that was somewhat spine-tingling, but we knew that this would be visually impossible for the series to accomplish. So, welcome, Ser Selmy. It's good to have you back.
What did you think of the Game of Thrones premiere? Did you love it, or were you hoping for more action? Are you excited to see more from the Real House-B**ches of Westeros? Or, are you still reeling from what happened on The Walking Dead and full from Easter candy so you need some time to process things? I belong to that latter category, so sayanora for now and see you next week — you, and Arya Stark. (She's in next week's episode, I swear!!)
Follow Shaunna on Twitter @HWShaunna
[PHOTO CREDIT: HBO (3)]
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The Walking Dead does a pretty good job of convincing us that if a zombie apocalypse were to befall humanity, this is what it would look like. But there are a few elements that bring those of us who are just a little too detail oriented out of the drama and into our own heads. Questions like, "Why doesn't it ever rain?" and "Where are all the cats?" plague us (okay, maybe the cats thing only plagues some of us), so we took it upon ourselves to fact check some of these complaints. Just how realistic is The Walking Dead?
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1. Why Doesn't It Ever Rain on The Walking Dead? It rained once on the AMC series, in Atlanta when Rick and Glenn were wearing white lab coats covered in zombie guts in an attempt to blend in. Since then, it's been literal clear skies for the crew, but why?
Does It Even Rain That Much In Georgia? Yes. The Atlanta area gets an average of 3-5 inches of rain a month, and that includes the sweltering summer months during which the majority of The Walking Dead takes place. So while it's not exactly Seattle, a storm here or there wouldn't be uncommon... unless the zombie apocalypse has also brought on a drought. But in that case, wouldn't our characters be consistently thirsty and withering away from the lack of water? (There sure as hell isn't running water in that prison.)
Well, they probably just wouldn't go out if it's raining, right? Sure, but how often do those of us with the power of smartphones with hour-to-hour weather widgets get caught in the rain? All the time. If this was real Georgia, Rick and co. would have run into rain on the road at least once or twice (but at least they don't have the "but I just bought these new suede shoes!" problem).
So why no rain? The most likely reason: production costs. It's pretty difficult to shoot a scene in rain that's not being produced by some form of TV magic (really heavy duty sprinklers), but that is a pretty expensive trick for something that isn't a part of the plot. We want realism, but it's probably not worth bankrupting the show for a little rainstorm.
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2. Why Aren't There Any Cats or Dogs? Surely Owners Would Rescue Their Pets, Right? The animals on this show are few and far between. Other than the occasional rat in a cage on a skateboard or the bird Daryl killed in the season premiere, actual animals are rare on this show, especially considering what wilderness the characters live in.
Where are all the trusty, super helpful dogs? Well, dogs share a bit of the same problem as babies: They are noisy alarms just begging for swarms of zombies at any moment. Intruder? Barking. Friend and visitor? Barking. Weird phantom ghost presence unbeknownst to any one else? Barking. Dogs may as well be ringing the dinner bell, and in most cases they and their owners are probably the main course.
What About Cats? There really should be more cats. They're quiet and stealthy. Have you ever tried to catch a running cat? It's almost impossible. And when they are tested some cats prove to be more resilient than rats, just take the kitten who survived for 26 days without food or water in a shipping crate. There's probably not a lot for them to eat, but there'd likely be a handful of super-cats running around out there. Plus, I'm pretty sure even a zombie would be freaked out by that hissing thing they do.
There should be rats EVERYWHERE. Rats actually survived while living in a nuclear testing site in the South Pacific. They can be flushed down a toilet and come out feeling A-OK. They can bite through metal, scale buildings, jump two (and sometimes three) feet in the air, squish their skeletons down to the size of a quarter in small spaces, and go 14 days without food. When it is time to eat, they will eat anything — including leather, seeds, insects, fur, and each other. The only animal that can last longer without water than a rat is a camel. Where the hell are all the rats on The Walking Dead? They should be outsurviving the survivors.
Again, this is probably as issue of production costs: why throw an animal into a scene if it's not part of the story?
3. How Does the Governor Still Have Whiskey? He's the only one with a whiskey supply and he's constantly drinking it. Does he have an old timey distillery behind all those zombie heads in jars?
Seriously, the guy lost his eyeball and his zombie daughter the same day. If any other normal human had their eyeball ripped from their face, that whiskey would have been gone in a weekend. But then again, a villain is a lot more sinister when he's also hoarding all the booze.
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4. How Do the Survivors Always Have Enough Gas to Drive Around? Rick's crew and the Governor's rambunctious set are always driving around in huge trucks and gaz-guzzling old sedans. Where are they getting all this fuel?
Abandoned gas stations? Not likely. While there are 5,110 gas stations in Georgia, I was unable to find any evidence of gas stations still using the old timey style of gas pump. Most modern gas pumps cannot be operated by hand when the electricity goes out. After all, if that were true, desperate people would be cutting the power and stealing gas all over the country. (Four dollars a gallon?! Hell no.) And even if they were able to crack their way into the tank underneath a gas station, that would be such an undertaking, it would merit a plot-point. They're not looting old gas stations.
More likely: siphoning gas from abandoned cars. This is more likely how they operate; after all, we've seen them do this before on the series. But their usage seems far beyond what the spoils of a few lucky abandoned car looting sessions could fuel. (Except for Daryl, whose motorcycle likely gets around 60 mpg.) If they're smart, they seek out abandoned cars on foot as often as possible, so as not to waste gas. But they aren't the only ones seeking fuel, many cars are probably abandoned because they have no gas, the survivors could likely only carry a gallon or two each (thar be zombies about), and at this point in time, they've likely used up all their walking distance car-fountains. Bottom line: they can find gas, but it is a very, very precious commodity.
But how much ground do they really cover? For this, we have to approximate because Rick's hometown in King County is not a real place and the prison used for shooting episodes is located fairly close to the actual Georgia town of Woodbury, so those are the markers we'll be using. Because these cars are probably going without regular oil changes and checkups, we can assume their gas mileage is pretty low, and since most of them are big, older trucks, we're looking at about 20 or so mpg. Atlanta to the Woodbury area is about 45 miles, which comes out to about 2.5 gallons of gas. Woodbury to Zebulon, the town in which Rick's prison is located, is about 19 miles, which comes out to about one gallon there and one gallon back. Add in all those trips to neighboring towns for supplies, and in rural counties like Woodbury's Meriweather County 20 miles between towns is common, and we're looking at two gallons of gas every time they leave home base.
Bottom line: They are either very lucky in their searches for gasoline, the prison has a secret stash we don't know about, or this aspect of the show is wildly unrealistic.
5. When Zombies Eat, Where Does All That Man Meat Go? Do they just vomit? Or do they just fill their rotting bodies until they burst? Why hasn't this question ever been addressed? We've watched zombies go to town on horses and fallen survivors, but there are never any consequences. What gives?
Fact: zombies are slowly rotting away, so how can they possibly eat without something rupturing? If you are rotting, your stomach, esophagus, intestines, and other organs are slowly wasting away. If you stretch them, they're going to burst, and that's assuming the zombie's body is still funtioning well enough to send it there. So by that logic, zombies should be rupturing at their sides constantly or just letting the blood and guts come right back out of their mouths. Whatever the truth, things would be a lot messier. (Yes, I am actually condoning more disgusting zombies on this show.)
6. Why Is Andrea's Hair So Perfect? Seriously, it's always perfectly touselled and shiny. Where are the zombie guts and dirt particles?
She lives in Woodbury now, maybe those hot showers also come with fancy water filters. But there's definitely some product and possibly a curling iron involved in that 'do. Maybe the Governor also stocked up on hair products? And we haven't seen the curling iron, but they do have that whole solar power thing going on.
Still, girl, why are you wasting time curling your hair? There's this little thing called Your Boyfriend Wants to Kill Everyone.
What unrealistic bits bother you on The Walking Dead? Leave 'em in the comments.
Follow Kelsea on Twitter @KelseaStahler
[Photo Credit: Frank Ockenfels/AMC]
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Last week, we dealt with a literal fire. Not even the metaphorical fire of PornStarMom’s red hair, but actual flames. Everyone this week is suddenly calling the incident an explosion, but this fire has nothing on the ending of Heathers. Still, I’m not going to correct all of the Liars for making something more dramatic than it actually is. Because, Lord knows I have never done that. Ever. Why didn’t the note that made Meredith enter the burning shed catch on fire? Why has Byron become literally the creepiest? Why doesn’t Aria just move out of her evil father’s home and move in with Mom? Why do I always have so many dumb questions?
I don’t ever expect answers for the many questions I have about Pretty Little Liars, but I’m also never upset. Why ask for solid answers when one show has provided this many hairstyles? I think that’s a really great mentality to live with these days. I think people are a little bored with Revenge this season because everyone’s hair is so consistent. The episode opens with some black-and-white creepy B-flick about finding dead bodies and a severed head in a hatbox. Maybe this is the movie Se7en is based on? The Thing That Couldn’t Die? I feel like I’m usually pretty great about film noir references, but I’m really just riding on Byron’s severed head clue. Spoiler alert on that one, Dad. I’m mad at myself for not being super on top of a bizarre cinematic reference from Team PLL. I hope The Thing That Couldn’t Die is right. Fact checking is boring.
Byron tries to have a great conversation with Aria during her afternoon movie, as in he tries to fake apologize for jumping to conclusions and screaming at his daughter about trying to blow up the girl he had an affair with. Okay. The police have found a real person that lit the blaze! Allegedly! Ever since Garrett’s sad Halloween train death, we haven’t seen the police; maybe they’re on a bit of a vacation. Aria is flinching away from her father and making her eyeballs as big as possible, which must be some sort of animal instinct when Byron the Murderer tries to corner you on the couch. Dad is nuts.
Meanwhile, in the high school’s basement, Spencer, Emily, and Hanna are trying to sneak back into Harold’s janky janitor dungeon and find Ali’s old diary. Harold is currently missing in action. I mean, hopefully Harold isn’t living in the basement… ? Oh. Wait. Caleb already did that. Also, it probably would have been smart to bring Caleb or Toby along for a little protection. Also, it probably would have been smart to bring Caleb or Toby because Emily can’t even find the light switch. Idiot. The best reference to Aria’s missing status in her struggle to escape the evil clutches of her father? “I have enough daddy issues of my own!” Hanna said this. Obviously. In the dark basement, Spencer realizes that someone else is already in the room; Spencer is the smartest and probably has supernatural powers after having sex with her werewolf boyfriend earlier this season, if case you needed a refresher. The mysterious person in the black hoodie runs out. Hanna sees his black sneakers. Ali’s journal is empty – “Keep moving ladies. Nothing to see here. –A.” God, A. What a surprise. The Rosewood K-Mart is completely sold out of black hoodies, I’m sure of it.
Next morning, the Liars reunite at their favorite coffee shop. I’m honestly really surprised someone hasn’t accosted Emily while in the coffee shop about suddenly quitting the hottest spot in town. Aria gets a weird coffee, because she’s a fetus human and doesn’t know how to drink real coffee. Aria shares her freaky-deaky dream from the night before (that movie probably didn’t help) – between lying to Ezra and the drama with her father, Aria is full of anxiety and all of her teeth falling out. I have a recurring dream where I pull all of my teeth out, which is basically the sadomasochistic version of the normal teeth anxiety dream. Oversharing! Hanna has dreams where gum is stuck in her hair, which results in her pulling out all of her hair until she’s bald. Hanna and I, we really are deep kindred spirits. Spencer has dreams where she dresses up as Quailman from Doug. Emily does not share her lesbian dreams, which is unfortunate. Mona arrives, looking really… pretty? What? Did I just say that? Mona claims that Harold was stalking her, and that he rigged the explosion to hurt her. Mona, you’re such a lying bitch. I can’t even look at her, despite her pretty blue dress. I hate Mona. I want Jenna back – she brings the evil you can really embrace.
Lucas and Hanna have a nice reunion, where Hanna lets Lucas know that she recognized his black sneakers from the basement. Hanna isn’t going to tell everyone about Lucas, because Hanna is the sweetest person (when you are her friend). Lucas needs to stop acting so damn paranoid and guilty all the time if he wants to stop the town accusations of being paranoid and guilty. Otherwise, all of those accusations really do line up. Regardless, LUCAS LIT THE EXPLOSION! THE FIRE! WHATEVER! Lucas was trying to scare Mona away. Props to Lucas for taking a matter into his own hands in the most unsafe way possible.
Paige makes her return as Worst Lesbian Girlfriend Ever. I feel like Paige and Emily are linked together for life, especially after Maya’s death and the entire lighthouse-kidnapping ordeal. Remember when Paige was setting herself up to be the ultimate villain of the century? Remember when PLL decides that it wants a character to be a new A suspect and makes them as creepy as possible in the span of two episodes? Paige and Emily decide to go to swim team party in the woods, which seems like a brilliant idea since both of their parents are so strict about their nightly endeavors. A PARTY IN THE WOODS. I went to a party in the woods when I was in high school, and it did not go well. Add on the fact that roughly 87 people had been killed in Rosewood in the past three months, and we have a recipe for wild success. Can’t wait for this date/party! I wish swim season would start up again.
Aria’s mother is back! She’s returned to school! She’s trying to convince her students that TMZ is not the only source for news, which is an absolute lie! Aria and her mother have a serious conversation about how Mom drank too much red wine after a party and missed Aria’s first call that Alison was missing. What a horrifying memory for a mother. Lest this episode deal with some honest emotional turmoil, Meredith oversees the conversation and gets shifty eyeballs. Eyeballs and hair, they’re everywhere. Aria’s made some nice understated fashion choices this episode! Unfortunately, Hanna is the one making the missteps. I sort of inferred that Byron got his wife really drunk on purpose, so he could sneak out to do dirty things in the night. That being said, I would love to share a couple of bottles of wine with Mom and laugh a lot.
Spencer is running for team leader of the Brainiacs, know as the decathlon team at Rosewood. I thought a decathlon involved playing 10 sports from track and field? Did I miss something? Am I spelling something wrong? Did I mishear? I mean, if we’re judging the build of the babe-nerd quasi-speaker for this school organization, I’d say that this man is also a star football player. And a model? And Spencer’s new dreamboat babecity heartthrob. Enough on him – Spencer’s rival for new team leader is in the hospital after a tragic bike accident (the black hood!), but she won’t be running unopposed. Spencer will run against… MONA. I don’t understand how Mona joined a smart club and is suddenly running for president the same day, but I guess Rosewood loves giving lunatics a second chance if they wear nice clothes. I would never be that shallow. Also, the weirdly cute mathlete tells Spencer to “put on the Hastings face and spank her.” The “her” here being Mona. Spanking! Fifty Shades of Spencer! Could we maybe get Troian to play Anastasia Steele? The two ladies will have a smart-off at the school the next evening, being quizzed on a bunch of random facts. Hopefully someone is flying Alex Trebek in for this.
The girls grill Mona in the courtyard about her lifestyle choices, and Mona admits that she doesn’t have a phone and is only allowed to use a computer for homework. When Hanna reminds Mona about uploading the sad Facebook pity video, Aria adds – “That was certainly calculating, but I wouldn’t call it trig.” Best line of the episode. That’s all. I was squealing so much for Aria that I’m not even sure how this scene ended. They probably showed Mona chew something that looks like lettuce while looking torn apart.
While the Liars hang out in Aria’s bedroom, Aria mentions that she is green and queasy. ARIA IS PREGNANT. Is there any other explanation for this blatantly obvious and random reference to Aria’s fragile health, even though she clearly has never been sick in life? I imagine Aria’s eyeballs collecting moonlight and healing her body. I love when television writers begin drawing the map for a show pregnancy. It’s always incredible, and “subtle” references to oncoming pregnancy feel like that train in Inception. When Aria goes to grab Aria’s diary pages from the bottom of her boot, the pages are suddenly missing. Hanna begins ripping through Aria’s closet, as if the pages accidently jumped into a different boot. However, it is possible that Hanna is just digging for a nice pair of shoes to borrow from Aria; Hanna’s brain is usually in the right place, which would involve finding new black boots. Byron shows up, giving everyone full-on creep and basically holding a giant butcher’s knife dripping with blood behind his back. Byron brings up Mike, Aria’s sister, and I suddenly wonder if Byron has also murdered Mike. I miss Mike making weird rearview mirrors for his desk in his bedroom and sneaking guns around – what a silly rebel.
Quick notes – Toby has a bad Taylor Lautner haircut, which could be remedied if he would stop leading a double life and take the time to visit a nice barbershop. Lucas is a huge secret superhero nerd, which makes him instantly cuter. I’m surprised Hanna didn’t say something about Lucas’ superhero collectibles (I would have “said something” by kissing Lucas on the lips). Mona is blackmailing Lucas, which I think is something we already knew about. Ezra’s big appearance in the episode comes in the form of chatting Aria, which is kind of adorable. HIGH SCHOOL IS THE MOST SERIOUS THING EVER, WHICH IS I SORT OF FORGOT ABOUT. Like, high school is out of control.
Aria overhears Meredith having a massive fight with Byron, and Aria realizes that something serious is happening. Again, Byron has become the worst character. Aria follows Meredith to, you guessed it, a coffee shop. Meredith caught Byron snooping through Aria’s room, and then digging through Meredith’s purse; he thought it was Aria’s purse, riffling through the belongings to find some papers. Interesting. Byron was clearly looking for those diary pages. Yikes. Aria is wearing a jacket that she probably got as a hand-me-down from Madonna’s daughter at age six. Meredith lets the cat out of the bag, explaining that Byron was with her the night of Ali’s murder – Aria’s father thought Meredith was in league with Ali in bribing/blackmailing him for the big bucks, so Byron was going to talk to Ali about the whole ordeal. Byron is a horrifying man. I don’t think I can say that enough in a single recap.
THE WOODS PARTY!!! Okay, we never make it to the woods party because Paige has a massive panic attack and Emily tries to calm her down by taking a casual walk through the woods in the middle of the night only to find that one of their tires has been severely slashed while they were away until Emily sees a black hoodie watching her and tries to chase Black Hoodie through the woods. Whew. Breath. This Black Hoodie is Toby. Duh. It’s so foggy in the woods at night. I wish I had a PLL creepy fog machine in my apartment. They eventually make it pack to Emily’s place, where the two celebrate their survival of the night with a sweet lesbian sleepover featuring a sweet lesbian kiss in two separate sweet lesbian beds. Emily thinks Paige needs to see a therapist about her panic, which is a smart move!
While all of this is going on, Spencer is facing off against Mona. Spencer looks better than ever in her electric blue jacket, white blouse, hip black pants, neck diamond, and chic up-do. BETTER THAN EVER. Spencer is so so so so so so so so so so so smart. That’s a factual statement. She keeps killing all of the questions while Mona continues to stumble, but somehow Mona is only three points behind after the second round? Cute football-playing nerd is asking the questions, and he’s clearly partial to Spencer. And by “partial,” I mean they should probably have sex as soon as possible. Suddenly, the director of this episode decides to show everyone in a weird porno glow with the bell to ring in the answer taking up 98 percent of the screen – maybe it shows the tension between Spencer and Mona? The sexual friction in the air between Spencer and Cute Football Nerd from Heaven? I get so nervous during sequences like this; I sweat profusely, bite my fingernails, and scream expletives at the television. Suddenly, on the final question (name all independent countries formed when the Soviet Union cracked), Spencer chokes and Mona turns into the smartest person in the world. Someone please explain. I almost vomited I was so upset. I haven’t felt such an urge to vomit while watching television since, well… last week, when The New Normal made it seem like Matt Bomer would have issues finding a steady life partner. GOOD TRY. RYAN MURPHY. GOOD TRY, MONA. Mona is Ryan Murphy.
Spencer has a brain meltdown – Cute Football Nerd tries to kiss Spencer to comfort her (I’m lying, that scene only happened in my head). Toby can’t pick up Spencer because he has dinner plans – an obvious lie. Hanna swoops in to rescue Spencer from Evil Mona’s evil brain game; Hanna also decides to read Mona. Not the “read” where you flip the pages of a book, but the “read” where you face your nemesis and metaphorically rip out their weave. You can also actually rip out their weave. Hanna’s hair looked bad this episode. “I don’t wanna see you, I don’t wanna hear from you, I don’t wanna know you.” Hanna wins.
Meredith and Aria are suddenly a team, and Aria has the flu (if “flu” is now code for “baby”). While the ladies make cute, Byron finishes up some work at his office. A black hoodie watches him leave – MONA. Mona is still up to her old tricks! Believe Lucas! Believe Hanna! Believe Spence! Mona tells her cohorts – “He’s leaving. I’ll call you back.”
Another black hoodie is shown hiding the bad guy from the Halloween homo-train under roughly eight leaves. Someone is going to find those masks, as they are clearly visible under only eight leaves. Everyone needs to start acting smarter, even Spencer. Mona is clearly a KGB agent, because she knows everything about all of the post-Soviet Union countries. Mona also has a lot of money post-insanity, as her wardrobe has been pretty solid. Hanna’s hair looks A M A Z I NG next episode, which makes me the happiest person in the entire world. How does Hanna’s hair change so radically from week to week? How does Spencer not realize that Toby can’t be stuck at a work dinner with his boss when Toby builds outhouses for a living? Lena Dunham gave Chad Lowe a fantastic and hilarious mention during her acceptance speech for Girls at the Golden Globes, which means Chad Lowe is (probably still) frantically calling his agents to replace Tom Cruise in the next Mission: Impossible film. Speaking of the Golden Globes, why didn’t Pretty Little Liars win anything?
[Image Credit: Adam Rose/ABC Family]
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Hi. Pretty Little Liars is back.
I was a littler overzealous about the post-Halloween special, simply because I forgot that I wouldn’t get to watch my girls for 12 weeks and instead had to wait another 87 months for their legitimate return. BUT. NOW. THE LIARS ARE BACK FOREVER!!! Or, umm, at least for the next 12 weeks. Do you all remember when the first half of Season 3 aired? Emily was an alcoholic! Everyone had weird haircuts! I feel like we’ve progressed so much, and it hasn’t even been a full year. How are these people still in high school?
We’re dealing with the aftermath of the Halloween episode, where people died on a Halloween ghost train instead of just watching Alison wander around a haunted house in a vaguely Gaga-Ke$ha-Sharon Needles costume she forced reanimated china dolls sew together for her. We definitely have jumped a little since the actual night of the Halloween train, because a lot is happening.
Mainly, Hanna’s grandmother has moved in. Porn Star Mom is completely missing in action. Actually, everyone’s mom is missing in action — did they go on a spa weekend together or something?
Hanna and her gram give absolutely no explanation for the disappearance of mother. It is entirely possible that Porn Star Mom is filming porn in the porn district of Rosewood, Penn. If we’re looking at the big picture of Rosewood, that wouldn’t be the strangest thing to happen.
The episode opens with a hooded skateboard punk rolling through the streets, and I’m worried for a second that I’m watching some of crazy MTV skateboarding reality show. Okay, this is really bad night skateboarding. Like, bad for MTV reality show.
What was the name of the guy from the original Laguna Beach who was always on his long board? Trey? Troy? TOBY? Regardless, Mona is suddenly sneaking into Hanna’s room in the middle of the night. Hanna’s hair looks incredibly good for being startled awake at 3am, and I couldn’t be happier that Hanna is the first Liar we meet this “season.”
Mona wants help from Hanna — she’s been released from the local mental institution, and Mona’s parents have demanded that she return to Rosewood. Mona is a mess!
I don’t like demure helpless little Mona, mainly because Mona is at her best when she was manipulating everyone and designing her own hoodies for her birthday slumber party.
Hanna says that Mona spent the last two years majoring in torture; this is almost true, but it is also impossible to pick your major in high school. Mona knows what’s good, though — she has new meds, so she’s fine! Great!
I want Mona to run a prescription drug ring at Rosewood High and take over the world. Hanna clearly isn’t convinced by Mona’s newfound sanity/innocence, but Hanna will always care about her old bestie. Hanna’s amazing, mentally insane grandmother with the vague Southern accent breaks up the midnight meeting by screaming at Hanna through the door. Good work.
Back to the night boarder: Toby is chasing the skateboard punk in a large SUV, but Toby can’t catch up with him. What is happening? It’s the middle of the night, so I don’t understand why there is so much action.
It seems that this is a Sunday night? Slow down. Drop the crazy. Stop murdering people. I think we’re meant to believe that Mona is the skateboarder, but that obviously is not the case. We shall see.
I can’t stop smiling! I love this show! DRAMA! Emily’s father has returned from Arizona/Vietnam/Space, and of course he’s wearing a shirt that says ARMY across the chest. Of course! Dad is also installing a 24/7-alarm system on the house, which is just an elaborate way of Emily’s parents saying that her lesbian girlfriend can’t climb through the window for late night lesbian action. Okay, it’s more protection from fake cousins that try to murder you inside a lighthouse, but still. Emily is forbidden from participating in the big school run, even though Emily raised $274 in pledges.
Yes, Emily, that’s a lot of money. I understand your pain. Big money, no whammies.
Spencer and Aria complain about how Emily is on severe military lockdown, and they’re both wearing pretty aggressive glamsquad outfits for a local coffee run. Spencer wins best hair of the episode, only because judging from sneaks to later this season, Spencer’s hair gets pretty… rough, to say the least.
Also, if this is a pre-school coffee run — AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT (in the words of sweet Sweet Brown). Spencer and Aria would have to wake up at 4am to look THAT good and have THAT much time to grab coffee before school. Aria is giving hardcore accessory overload, and it’s a good thing Ezra buys her a piece of jewelry later in the episode; all Aria needs is another bracelet-earrings-necklace trio before she sinks to the bottom of the ocean. Aria always makes dumb coffee. Her coffee looks really bad. Spencer’s coffee looks fantastic, and Spencer says a lot of smart things. Everything is normal.
Jenna was unfortunately missing from this entire episode (since she inexplicably switched schools… oh, wait, maybe she switched schools because everyone loved making fun of the manic blind bitch).
However, Jenna’s absence is barely noticed whenever Hanna’s Grandmother enters. Did this woman fall from God’s wondrous hands into our undeserving laps? I sure hope so.
Grandma tells a story about Cousin Heshie, where Heshie tried to feed nails to his parents as cereal. Grandma loves telling stories about the ancestors! Anyway, Hanna is going to her grandmother to see if Mona has changed/can be let back in. Grandma clearly things Mona should be a friend again, seeing Heshie’s change of brain, but I also think Grandma is way off her rocker.
Remember when Hanna blacked out in the girl’s bathroom at her father’s wedding reception? And Grandma picked Hanna up from the airport? What an amazing episode.
We now reach our great bullying sub-plot, because every show with a lead actor in high school is contractually obligated to show something about bullying. Those TV writers sure are ingenious.
Mona 2.0 is a sad little puppy, waiting on the steps of the high school while people call her weird names. They say awful bully catchphrases like, “You shouldn’t be here.” That’s a serious threat!
We get a nice shot of Aria’s butt as she climbs the stairs to the school and makes janky eye contact with Aria, but that’s about it. Inside the actual school, Jody from Center Stage is teaching for Mrs. Hoobalajooli is on maternity leave. Aria asks someone to “please stick a fork in my neck.” Let’s do it!
In class, Aria is blatantly texting in front of the teacher, and Meredith takes Aria’s phone away from here. Taking Aria’s phone is literally the worst idea in the history of modern teenager — only the worst teacher actually took phones away during class, and a substitute would 100 percent never put herself under that kind of scrutiny. Especially on day one.
The Liars have a mini-Mexican standoff with Meredith/Jody after class. I get that Jody’s career as a dancer faltered when she became too old and injured her knees, so she changed her name to Meredith and started sleeping with Aria’s father, but she shouldn’t take her anger at youth out on the four baddest bitches in town. Sorry not sorry.
Someone put a cow brain in Mona’s locker, with the note: “TAKES ONE MAD COW TO KNOW ANOTHER.” I don’t understand why a high school bio lab would have cow brains instead of just the standard cow eyeball.
My favorite part of this scene is a very terrified girl taking a video of the entire ordeal on her iPhone. PLL is so hip. On the flip, Emily is literally so stupid. I can’t even talk about how stupid she is because it makes me feel more stupid and then I start to sink to her level.
Something weird is going on between Mona and Lucas; smart Hanna picks up on the connection.
There’s this weird thing throughout the episode where “Mona” tweets in the bottom corner of the screen, making a wonky acrostic. It looks like you can go online and watch more of Mona’s pity-party “I’m being bullied” video that she posts on Facebook during the episode, but you had to watch The Lying Game for all of the clues and I would never do that to myself. Even to help all of you.
Boyfriend life: Caleb is lurking around, and Hanna wants Caleb to grill Lucas on his limp; someone was stabbed in the leg by a screwdriver on the Halloween train, and Hanna’s main suspect is clearly Lucas.
I doubt Lucas would just downright confess his attempt to help murder Aria, but maybe that’s just me. Toby likes to go on runs with Spencer, take his shirt off, and get in hot tubs with his girlfriend after taking his shirt off post-run. Character progression!
I don’t want Spencer to be hurt by her current boyfriend. I wanted her to get with Jason instead, but it seems Jason is also a creepy asshole. Oh well.
Emily spots the man that worked the front desk at the Lost Woods Resort as… THE NEW ROSEWOOD JANITOR!!! That’s scary as all hell. His name is Harold, but we might as well call him Norman Bates (even though I used to have a crush on Anthony Perkins and I would never have a crush on this fool). Hanna thinks, “Maybe creepy Harold has a creepy twin.”
No, Hanna NO. Creepy Harold has a bunch of Mona’s stuff in his haunted basement office. Horrifying. My cat’s name is Harold, so I don’t like this sub-plot very much.
Hanna watches Mona’s Facebook bullying video 147 times in one day. Spencer talks about Mona having a resume for her crazy, which I believe is jargon that this show has used before (still not complaining).
Caleb finds out that Mona lied – she BEGGED to get back into Rosewood, while her parents wanted her in a different program. Hanna’s grandmother sings the National Anthem at the big school run, and she’s almost as good as the famed Whitney Houston performance. Almost. Hanna proclaims that Gram is singing, “Because she can.” TRUTH. Like, why do I love Hanna so much?
Every she says is pure gold. The Liars ditch the run (as any smart high schooler would naturally do), only to sneak into Creepy Janitor’s office; Harold is writing a letter to Mona in Alison’s old journal, which is very bad in very real world pedo-creepy way.
From the journal, we flip to a nice flashback: Aria has been coping the entire episode with the thought that Byron, her father, was the last person to see Alison alive. Did Byron kill Ali? What was their relationship?
Aria has been using sneaky passive-aggressive Carrie Mathison interrogation techniques on her father, but to no avail. Byron shows his violent side. Flashback Alison is blackmailing Byron.
Flashback Alison is making weird innuendos about wiping feet on people. Unless I misheard. I always mishear.
The girls escape the clutches of Creepy Harold, only to jump from the frying pan into the fire. I think that’s the right saying. Maybe it’s flipped. I’m talking about a literal fire here.
The swag bag post-run tent is on fire, and someone is screaming. I was hoping that Mona would just die already in this rightful blaze of glory, but it seems Jody/Meredith was burned in the “accident.”
Mona clearly set the fire. Jody/Meredith will clearly be far too burned to ever dance again. Is Jody/Meredith the new Jenna?
Byron (what an awful name, I can’t ignore it any longer) interrogates Aria about trying to hurt Meredith. These parents are literally the worst — they are always yelling at their daughters while their daughters are dealing with secret babies and down-low murderers!
“These kind of secrets come back to haunt us, “ growls Byron. “WHAT ABOUT YOURS,” screams back Aria. You go, girl. Aria then politely asks her father to close her bedroom door. I don’t like creepy parents, that sort of thing just gives me a lot of weird terrors.
Spencer stops by Jason’s house to talk about Mona, while Jason relaxes on his porch with his unbuttoned shirt and his loud bug zapper.
As soon as Spencer walks off, Mona appears from the shadows… and helps Jason treat his wound. His wound that looks an awful lot like the infected puncture hole from a dirty screwdriver on a Halloween ghost train that featured Adam Lambert as the musical guest. OMG.
More importantly, Mona is a vampire that likes to wear red heart sweaters. She was definitely hanging up in bat form by the bug zapper. Just wait for that reveal.
Black-hooded maybe-A, probably the skateboard, is shown in the post-episode clue stealing bike parts from a fat kid’s bike at night. That’s just really rude. Speaking of rude, my rude friend changed the channel to New Girl aka The Zooey Deschanel Show before I could see scenes from next episode, so I can’t even get a brief hair preview for next Tuesday night. Unforgivable, I say.
I hope Emily gets murdered this season. She annoyed me tonight, and I would enjoy a shocking Liar death. I hope PLL does an episode this season where Spencer gets swine flu and has a fever dream that she’s in Dirty Dancing with Jason. I hope all these parents work out their Xanax prescriptions.
I hope the moms return soon. I hope Emily gets back to work at the hippest coffee shop in town. I hope a new coffee shop opens up to rival Emily’s workplace. I hope Emily gets drunk again.
Maybe I don’t hate Emily as much as I thought. I hope this portion of Pretty Little Liar’s outrageously successful third season is the best thing ever shown on television. I have a feeling this show will still be airing new episodes when I am 87. Forever and ever, amen.
Bonus: Here’s a video of Hanna/Ashley Benson wearing a cheap wig and dancing while James Franco lip-synchs to Bieber’s “Boyfriend.”
You’re welcome.
[Image Credit: Eric McCandless/ABC Family (2)]
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Houston, we have a problem. Oh wait, Bachelor Sean Lowe is from Dallas, huh? OK, well, whatever. We have a problem either way.
And what a delightful problem it is: the original bastion of mediocrity is back! That's right, America, The Bachelor has returned to ABC's airwaves after a brief hiatus for Emily Maynard to attempt to find love, yet again. And who shall sail these lovelorn seas all the way to the shores of Wedded Bliss?
Sean Lowe, Emily's scraps and the newest, blondest man to smile his way into the hearts of 25 26 women.
Apparently, Sean Lowe has it all! (Him? Really?) He has a great job! He's blonde! He loves family! He has a camera crew following his every shirtless move!
And let me tell you, every move is shirtless with this dude. Is this an advertisement for Playgirl TV or primetime ABC?
Our poor, lonely Sean has wandered these past few months, lost, alone, and scared. He had such strong feelings for the world's blondest woman, Emily Maynard. True love, you guys! The process works! The process works! (Sidenote: the process 99% of the time never works, just FYI.)
Anyway, Sean loved Emily, see, and his bare-chested heart was broken. So broken that he needed to keep his shirt off in order for it to breathe in new life after his was declared over. Thankfully, God (Sean's main dude is the Notorious G.O.D.) has another plan for Sean. And that plan is more televised love. Because only on television can you find the sort of beautiful marriages that everyone in his family has (wait, aren't they all non-TV normals or is there a show we missed somewhere along the line?), and it's beautiful marriage that is missing from Sean's life.
And for that, he is very sad. Poor, lonely Sean. Forever at the kids' table. Everybody take off your shirt and cry.
But Sean is so totally different—and by different we mean exactly the same as everyone else—he believes he's only going to get engaged once.
Yes, Sean, you will be different. A young, conventionally attractive, white, blonde dude who believes that the process works! It works! It WILL work for him, verdamnit!
Needless to say, tonight's episode was one exhausting, drawn-out advertisement for Christian Mingle or something. Only with more flesh (how sinful)!
So clearly, all that purity needed a bit of dirtying. Enter last season's Resident Attractive BadBoy, runner-up Arie Luyendyk, Jr. Oh hi hello, sir! Very nice to have you back. Arie and Sean are buds, and if buds know anything, it's when their friend is a s**tty kisser. So he's giving Sean a kissing lesson because apparently Arie is a super-kisser! (Prove it, Arie. I dare you! Come kiss me on the mouth! Please? No? OK, that's cool, too, whatever.)
Welcome to high school, Sean. (If this first episode was proof of anything, it's that high school is back in session. For everyone.) Use your hands when you kiss a la-dy, Sean! Play with the hair, Sean! Ladies love a quick touch of the face, and don't forget to hold them close! You use your whole body to kiss a lady, says Arie. But what about the evil tongue, Sean ponders allowed.
Has Sean Lowe ever kissed another human before? I'm beginning to wonder. Thankfully, this awkward lesson is preempted by a "will you accept this rose?" practice run. At one point, I was convinced a PA was about to push Sean and Arie's heads together and say "now kiss!"
Remember when I said there'd be a lot of blondes on this show? Apparently ABC got the memo that diversity is the spice of life, because an army of tiny blonde ladies it's not.
This go around we have women of color (finally!), brunettes, a girl with actually curly hair, and my personal favorite, the highly-normal-seeming, one-armed Sarah. She seems completely level-headed and also just normal. Naturally this means she probably won't last long. But I'm rooting for you, Sarah!
Sean starts off his Bachelor adventures by continuing the trend of "doing it differently this time" (just like everyone else, Sean! Doesn't Chris Harrison tell these kids that they make their own rules?) and handing out roses to whatever ladies he wants, whenever he damn well pleases.
That means before, during, and after the cocktail hour. Oh snap, Sean! What a rebel.
Speaking of the ladies—let's meet the kooky bunch!
Desiree is a Bridal Stylist in Los Angeles. She dreams of finding her missing puzzle piece and one true love. She spends her day sketching images of her perfect dress and Ken Doll man.
Tierra is from Colorado. She's family oriented and OHMIGOD SO EXCITED that Sean is the bachelor! Because he's family-oriented! Just like her! What are the ODDS?! They're soulmates, you guys. Plus, her puppy needs a new daddy! His eyes are so dreamy! "Hey future hubby!"
But the intensity doesn't scare Sean: in fact—he digs the s**t out of it! Say what? It's true, when Tierra, the most over-excited Sean fan in the history of bland blonde people arrives, she tells him a story. Tierra has an open heart tattoo on her ring finger—something she hopes Sean will complete. Sean tells her to "wait right here" and he goes inside to tell Chris that he wants to give her a rose.
Sean is breaking the rules and eating the attention right up! What a badass. He finds Tierra sweet, exciting, and filled with "great energy." You know the girls in the limo waiting for their turn to exit are losing their minds in a wave of seething, raging jealousy watching this unfold.
Sean hopes it won't create tension already, but, uh, DUH. OBVIOUSLY! Ha ha ha, oh Sean. You have way more to learn about these women other than how to kiss them
Robin is from Texas: She's quirky! She puts sticky notes with Spanish on them all over her apartment in order to learn. Her entrance involves literal gymnastics to get to Sean. And while she messes up a bit, she's generally pretty charming about it. So far, we like Robin.
Diana is from Salt Lake City, Utah—oh man, does she know Jef With One F aka Emily's ex-fiance?
One can only hope. Diana mentions that she owns a hair salon and now I'm convinced (between her and Jef) that Utahans are especially obsessed with their hair. She has 2 daughters and is a single mom (divorced), but is totally ready to just hit the road with Sean.
Literally, she's trying to pull him away from his mark. Something tells me the extended cut of this involves Sean being stuffed into a trunk. Can't wait for the bloopers!
Sarah! Lovely, wonderful Sarah lives in Los Angeles. Sarah is a total normal person, by all standards—and on this show, that is the highest compliment. She works in advertising and was born with one arm. She's still a beautiful blonde, though, so she totally fits the mold of the show, for the most part.
While most girls were clawing at each other's throats to steal Sean away for alone time, Sarah was refreshingly honest about her own insecurities and disinterested in the chase that most of the women seemed to revel in. Which means she'll probably be deemed too boring for television and kicked off the show early. Take it as a compliment, Sarah—and we're glad you got an early rose, too.
Ashley P. is from Michigan and obsessed with finding love because all her friends are married. She loves her cat and Christian Grey! She WANTS TO BE MARRIED SO BAD OMG HOW IS LIFE WORTH LIVING WITHOUT A MAN?!
Well it can be worth living if you read 50 Shades of Grey and get drunk on national television instead. Homegirl shows up with a blue tie (hidden between her boobs) that she wants to wrap about Sean's neck and choke him into orgasmic submission with. Or something. I don't know, I am terrified of her.
Lesley M. lives in DC because she works in politics. But she hates politicians. Great place to live and perfect career choice then, eh?
Originally from Arkansas, she's a "modern southern belle" and she thinks Sean is the one. She brings a football because sports! No just kidding, she wanted to look at his ass. If Sean can't be the one, she'll at least get one minute in staring at his ham hocks.
Kristy is a Ford Model, which she will remind you of over and over, because it's like, totally a prestigious modeling agency (true facts: it is! Glad she wasn't such a braggart about it...oh wait!) that is only for the most attractive of attractive people.
I don't know if Kristy is actually an over-confident jerk, but it sure looks like they are going to portray her as such. Why do they always make the model-types look like jerks? I know two whole, real-live models, and neither of them is a jerk. I've heard some jerk models exist, but why do they only seem to flock to The Bachelor?
One thing that makes Kristy unique is that the only phrase she has mastered in the English language is "the best of the midwest!"
AshLee F. has a very cluttered name for a Professional Organizer: what's up with that, AshLee? AshLee is obsessed with being organized because clearly she feels out of control in her life. I imagine she spends many a night alternating between crying in her shower, screaming "why?" and getting black-out drunk.
The great thing about how organized she is, is that when she's feeling a little out of control, she knows exactly which drawer her hairshirt collection is in, so she can try them all on at once and rock herself into a blissful, calm slumber. She's also adopted!
Lacey is a human disco ball with a "heart of lace" (literally! Get it? Do ya? Do ya, Sean?) so Sean can remember her.
Paige the jumbotron operator from NYC was on Bachelor Pad 3, so some of you may recognize her. She, too, is a firm believer in that age-old adage "this process can work," which is hilarious coming from someone who weaseled her way into the Bachelor empire on the trashiest and least-love-driven show of the bunch.
Amanda is a "fit model" which I guess is different from a regular model. Since, you know, all those other models are just so unfit! Har har har, jokes!
Amanda wants to get the awkward pause when you don't know someone out of the way. So they sit and stare at each other for 30 seconds. Pretty people looking at each other hardly feels awkward. Girls, why do we all have to think of something weird and overly-cutesy every.single.time?
Keriann is an entrepreneur from Florida—which I always knew to mean one very specific thing, though I don't want to pass that judgment onto Keriann (or the entire state of Florida).
She drove over 2,000 miles to be here! Which, I mean, that's great and all but The Proclaimers WALKED 1,000 miles to fall down at their girls' door (which is way harder than driving!), so, meh. Color me unimpressed, Keriann.
Desiree has pennies for wish-making, and Brooke is a community organizer from Pittsburgh who may also be part cat. Ashley H. believes herself to be the Barbie to Sean's Ken, and is another model who seems unable to keep herself from reminding Sean how great it is to meet him.
After her came Lauren, who is either a little bit Italian and a fan of stereotypes, or the daughter of a mob boss who will break Sean's legs if necessary. She's also a journalist, so this was probably at least the fifth draft of that speech that she had prepared. Girl, should've gone with the fourth draft.
And finally we have number 25 herself, Lindsay. Oh Lindsay. Lindsay, Lindsay, Lindsay. What are we to do with you? Lindsay is a subsitute teacher and also the substitute bride! That's right, a girl with probably no less than 10 Pinterest boards dedicated to Her Big Day, she comes on strong. Very strong.
She kisses Sean square on the mouth (he couldn't even prepare himself with Arie's tips!) and scares him half to death. You can see Sean running away, mentally, as she hums 'Here Comes the Bride.' Oh lawdy, this one. I was shocked when she got the rose, y'all. And you know the other girls who didn't make it through were right pissed off.
But wait! There's a surprise! This year will feature not 25, but 26 girls! Hello, Kacie B! Everyone remembers her, yes? She was the one everyone wanted the last Bachelor, Ben Flajnik to end up with at first. Her parents totally ruined her chances of his heart, though.
She wants a second chance with the guy who's getting a second chance! Sean is so excited she's here because they've hung out before and he considers her a friend. Could romance be in their future? Yeah, probably not, but Kacie is bound to try (and cry) her way though a few episodes, at least.
She is scared of the girls, because duh. This sort of "shocking" addition isn't shocking anymore, Bachelor—you've done it every season for the past few now. Enough.
Leslie H., the poker dealer, does not like the odds in this situation. The other girls are pissed.
Every utterance heard from the limo during the introductions can be summed up as the following: OMG, he's SO CUTE AND HANDSOME! Aww! LOLz! Right out the gate, there's territory marking from the get-go! A flurry of hugs and lipstick marks and sparkly dresses.
There are enough extensions to breed a small army of Shetland ponies. There are embarrassing made-up handshakes. One of the girls is even a cruise ship entertainer who wrote Sean a song (Kelly)! It's amazing she had time to write a song in between all the hours she must've spent in the tanning bed.
There's a yoga instructor (of course) to help Sean align his chakras. Forced smiles and declarations of Sean's cuteness. Everyone likes that he's cute, and handsome, and a man, and nice, and also definitely hot and dreamy. Every girl has dreamed Sean into reality: he is greater than the sum of his parts. All in a night's work!
Women be actin' a fool on this show—and this season seems to be no different. There's a screaming match—wow, ladies, you're all just so wild and free! How do you even handle that? It must be so intense to be you.
At this point in the evening, Sean has spoken to most of the girls, and handed out roses to several of them. Putting yourself out there for love is hard: sometimes you have to talk to people you want to kiss on the mouth and they have to listen to you.
Sometimes it doesn't work out, which is so weird! That never happens to anyway, so I can only imagine the pain these women must be going through. They've gotten to spend a whole evening in the general vicinity of Sean Lowe! How could they not fall in love instantly, right?!
The girls are all atwitter over Sean's decision to hand out roses as he so pleases, so there's only one thing to do: get wasted.
And wasted is exactly what Ashley P. gets. She's dancing around, throwing her blue neck tie around, quoting 50 Shades and telling Sean how normal she is while jokingly tying him up and explaining how her mom is already calling him her son-in-law. Totally normal!
Dance like no one's watching, Ashley P. And if they are watching, show 'em your ass tattoo. Hi mom!
These ladies are ravenous for some Grade-A, Sean Lowe man meat, so a stealing frenzy erupts. For a moment, I thought I was watching the National Geographic channel.
It was like when you see a bunch of seagulls attack the last remnants of a fallen funnel cake on the Jersey Shore. Heartbreaking and also terrifying.
In the end, Sean can only hand out so many roses. 12 have already been secured by ladies who managed to pry them from Sean's cold, dead hands, so 7 remain. The women are crying. It's too hard, you guys! But Sean wants to find his wife, so they must carry on for the sake of his unending loneliness.
Going into the rose ceremony, 12 girls already have roses, there are 7 left. Sean wants to find his wife, y'all.
Say Goodbye To Your Dreams, Following Ladies. Love Doesn't Live Here, Anymore:
Lauren
Kelly
Jackie
Paige
Kelly, who is SO totally embarrassed because now that she's been eliminated on the first night, no one in the entire human world will want to date her ever again. (Totally true and logical.) Is it worth it to be in love if she has to feel this way?! OH, Kelly—ever the philosopher, this one! Opening yourself up to love hurts and sucks and oh just shut the f**k up and go home already.
Ashley H.
Ashley P.
So there we have it, friends. We did it, we really did it. What's to come in our future? Rock-climbing, beaches, helicopter rides, kisses, and D-R-A-M-A! The claws are out, y'all. Someone holds a secret!
Someone has a boyfriend or maybe boyfriendS, and an ex-boyfriend comes back into the picture. There are s**ty cookies and girls that are like, so totally above it all. And maybe the girls also hurt someone on purpose? Something is so totally crazy, and everyone is crying all the time. Even Sean!
He is stunned and doesn't know what's going on. He's blind-sided! SEAN IS HURT! Call the wahmbulance! Alert the media! This lonely boy is ready to make a crash landing.
Game on, indeed.
What did you think of tonight's premiere of The Bachelor? Have any favorites picked out yet? Sound off in the comments!
[Photo Credit: ABC]
Follow Alicia on Twitter @alicialutes
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Debra Morgan's life is currently run by monsters. Monsters of all shapes and sizes—though the scariest ones are most certainly the ones that manifest themselves within humanity. Her entire life has been a series of mistakes that have lead her into the path of these monsters. And it seems that Deb's biggest problem is figuring out which monster she should be the most terrified of: Dexter or the out-in-the-open murderous monsters that make up her job. Like Speltzer.
This episode is all about Deb's monster problem: which is the lesser of two evils, essentially. Who can she trust, and who should she trust? And why hasn't she made up her mind about Dexter? How is she still not sure what to do? Call me old-fashioned, but the "serial killer" title trumps pretty much everything: even "family." (So my entire family should know right now that if they one day decide to become a serial killer, I will have no qualms about calling the police and ratting you out. Murder is scary and weird!)
Deb essentially sees herself as unwittingly married to Dexter and his ~dark passenger~, as witnessed by her bathtub hallucination. Beer and a bathtub: Debra Morgan knows how to unwind! Too bad her momentary place of zen turns into a the bloodbath of her dreams: literally. While dozing, Deb finds that the water in her tub isn't water at all, but lots and lots of blood that she can't stop the flow of—no matter how hard she tries. And she sees she's married! But to whom? Why, her brother of course! Because that awkward story line is apparently not going anywhere, but will constantly be alluded to in order to ensure everyone is uncomfortable all the time.
So Deb is looking up at Dexter, who also has a wedding ring on saying "Deb, will you...?" complete with ominous baby giggles (nothing ups the creep ante like disembodied, maniacal baby giggles) and a giant rusty, bloody machete. So naturally she tries to stop the flow of blood the only logical way she imagines she can, but it won't stop flowing. Her cup runeth over: with psychos! The blood running of the side of the tub splashes with impressive force, considering blood doesn't really splash—it spatters (not splatters: very important!)—and she wakes up. Oh it's just her tub water, running over the edge. Turn off the water, everything's fine! Silly Deb! Real life!
MAN these metaphors, am I right?
Before we get back to Deb's slow mental unraveling, we see that Speltzer is a meticulous murderperson. There's no DNA anywhere that can tie him to the murders. Luckily, someone spots him at a metal scrapyard and four cops take him down. Justice! ...Only not really (but we'll get to that shortly). Sidenote: nice subliminal dig at Dexter with the "had the good sense to not try and be a hero" line, writers.
Deb's slow but surely starting to realize (but why oh why is this taking her so long?!) that Dexter's own involvement and hunting of Trinity essentially caused Rita's death. How can Dex say he's a loving husband ("are you even capable of love?") when his own desire to control and fix everything is what ultimately brought upon Rita's death. (Also: Dexter declaring "I love you" was AWKCITY.)
Isaak Sirko's desire to control and fix everything has got him into quite a pickle, too. He knows, thanks to Creepy Louis, that Dexter murdered Viktor, but he's not sure the extent to which everyone else knows. Was it an inside job by the police? Is it drug-related? Were Louis and Dexter working together? Not all the pieces fit quite right yet for Isaak, and time is running out. Realizing that the cops are not going to stop showing up anytime soon, and Viktor's body isn't going to manifest itself with a note that says "I was killed by Dexter Morgan for murdering your cop friend Mike Anderson," Isaak decides they need a fall guy. Because until the cops get out of The Fox Hole, the Brotherhood cannot do their job of ensuring that the Colombians don't take over the entire Miami drug trade. Fair trade between the Ukrainians and Colombians apparently does not exist. Viktor was in charge of this prior to his death (which Isaak is oh-so worked up about, gee wilikers wonder why), and can only be properly handled when the cops aren't constantly sniffing around. George tries to buy Quinn off with cash and blow—just like old times when he was a dirty narcotics cop!—but it doesn't work. (At least not yet?) Enter: quiet, unassuming bartender Alex. He has a family back in Kursk that he was sending money to—$750 a month. Not much, thinks Isaak. So The Brotherhood of the Traveling Death head over to Alex's home and force him to kill himself. Isaak promises Alex that his family will "never want for anything," and that either way, Alex is dying and taking the fall for Viktor murdering Mike Anderson. Cut and dry. Or cockamamie and doomed-to-fail. Either or, I guess.
Good news is that Speltzer's been detained for questioning, and it's time to pull out ALL of the stops to get him to confess. The biggest question of the evening is, of course: could Speltzer really fall for Batista's terrible excuse for a wind-up and then Deb's attempts at authority and cage-rattling? How does this questioning work with a meticulous psychopath, as we've established Speltzer to be? Someone who knows very, very well how to hide his true self from the cops. I don't understand. According to the writers, this buffoonery works because: oh, mommy issues! That just explains everything. "There are many ways to break a body down," Dexter's voiceover coos. It's so ~deep~, you guys; we've got an Oedipus Complex for the win! Freud is sitting somewhere, muggin' for a camera sayin' "I toldja so!"
(Sidenote: Anyone else notice Detective Simms? He of the first season's Ice Truck Killer investigation? Something tells me his knowledge base is going to further f**k things up for Dexter. Just a hypothesis I have.)
After her mommy-baiting, Dexter assumes Deb would want to celebrate her "big win" against Speltzer. However, logical thought takes over and she's all 'no way man, he's still a murderer that murdered someone, what is there to be happy about? Oh and also Rita's death IS YOUR FAULT AND YOUR SON IS GONNA BE A MONSTER BECAUSE OF YOU!' (Sick burn, Deb) Dexter is all 'whoa, slow your roll,' but Deb fires back with a big ole 'YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE: DAD OR SERIAL KILLER.' Deb's assertion that Dexter cannot control the universe causes him to snap (like an animal pushed into a corner, right? eh? eh?) and get to the heart of what's wrong with Dexter Morgan's lizard brain when he yells "I don't make mistakes!" and "Everything is in my control!" OK—woo! Hello, loose gasket. Hello completely irrational line of thought, thy name is Dexter Morgan. Dexter's biggest problem is that he feels like he can fix and control everything. Which, ha! Welcome to real life. You cannot control everything, even if you are a serial killer. Pretty soon there's going to be too many plates to keep spinning and they're all going to crash down around you, Dexter. Hid own unhinging is coming closer and closer into view. Dexter's downfall will ultimately stem from his need to control every single thing around him. Not going to happen.
NEXT: Hannah McKay and a Minotaur
But for now, the soon-to-be-it-is-so-obvious future girlfriend of Dexter's dreams, Hannah McKay, stops by Miami Metro. She's going to help them uncover Wayne Randall's final victim's bodies. But let's first talk about the fact that Hannah is so clearly also a serial killer? Or at least, she was (can people really change? Is this going to point to some sort of absolution for future Dexter?) and is seemingly nostalgic about it. Their conversation feels like a for-sure nod to something that will happen in the future, I just can't figure it out quite yet. Either way, these two are going to totally bone and also have murder in common.
Dexter's spidey-murder-sense isn't the only one tingling: at the crime scene for Alex the Bartender's set-up suicide, Batista thinks the puzzle pieces just don't fit: Alex had no priors in Kursk and wasn't on anyone's radar. Sure, there's a suicide note that Quinn calls "sweet" (yeah, too sweet), and we know this means Batista's not going to quit. It was at this moment that Masuka had his token pop culture commentary moment of the episode with a joke about Twitter followings and turds. You work here is done, Masuka. Thanks for being totally worthless.
You know who else are worthless, apparently? Miami PD! The jerk cops were on patrol when the scrap metal guy called in Speltzer's whereabouts, and in the most pathetic attempt to twist the plot, we find out that the cops never got a verbal confirmation of Speltzer's understanding of his Miranda Rights, so a judge has thrown his confession out of court. Because apparently Miami is run by a governmental and law system pieced together by idiots. Naturally, Speltzer is going to sue for excessive force (thanks, random detective lady who's now shown up twice in this episode to simply state the obvious. Who are you and why are you here? Your purpose is so pointless an annoying). Deb is totally bugging out because Speltzer is back on the streets.
Obviously this means it's time for Dexter to do what he does best: murder people dead. He heads to the little RV abode by the cemetery that America's favorite Minotaur crashes in, and is totally a normal place to live that isn't creepy, and woops! Speltzy comes home early. Dexter gets knocked out and put into another, building-wide (this time) mega-maze of death and creepiness. On a note left above Dexter's head is the words "Run." Dexter, in his best Walter White impression says "I don't run, I make people run." (The whole one-who-knocks thing isn't really your style, Dexter. But I appreciate that you appreciate Breaking Bad.)
Obviously Dexter ends up running, though, because Speltzer is a very large, steroid-raging crazy murderperson in a Minotaur mask. This scene is straight-up Hostel-type s**t, you guys. Yawn. Is everything in this episode just a poorly-veiled reference to something else? It's all just been done before: and better.
I will say this: the strobe light room with the mannequins was creepy—but only in that "oh man I totally wandered into the really weird corner of this Brooklyn warehouse party" sort of way. Is this real life? I am not on enough drugs for this, you guys. So instead I'm just sort of cringing about how hokey this all is: sure, if you were in this scenario in real life, you'd be peeing yourself in a corner possibly welcoming death. But you also might just be looking for a crack spirit guide, too. Once Dexter begins his epic confrontation with Speltzer in the kooky mannequin room, Dexter puts on his Christian Bale-as-Batman voice and gets to steppin' (and by that we mean, escaping from Speltzer's muder maze).
Which is to say: can we talk about how irrational and out-of-character Dexter is being? This is SO not the calm, cool, calculated, and collected serial killer of seasons past. This man is essentially flailing about, wildly hitting at whatever he can, hoping to regain control of his environment. He's acting super dangerously AND irrational as f**k. Who is this man and what has he done with Dexter Morgan? He's going to really crash and burn, isn't he?
Anyway, now Dexter decides he needs to live with "nothing to lose" attitude, so they're going to ship off poor Harrison into the great unknown—aka Orlando—to live with his grandparents and those old stepkids of his, Astor and Cody, for awhile. Sayonara, Harrison. We're sure you'll either be lost and gone forever—forgotten like the other kids—or someone will ultimately try to kill you at some point close to the season finale. Man, Dexter is such a terrible father. Aside from Deb being completely right about Dexter's unabashed selfishness, he can't even be bothered to drive his own child to Orlando from Miami. How is Jamie just totally OK with the fact that she's more a parent to Harrison than Dexter is? Why does she not even find it strange that the man can't even live in the same apartment as his child. (They're attached but it clearly doesn't count; they're two very separate living spaces.) People are way too forgiving of Dexter's weirdness. I get that he's hot, but come on!
To explain why Isaak is totally not OK with letting go of the whole "Viktor is dead" thing, we find out his big gay secret. Namely: that he's gay! Viktor was his lover! While this is all well-and-good as far as a plot point goes, the way this whole scene is handled is completely ridiculous. Isaak goes into Viktor's taped-off, crime-scene apartment and sits down to stare at a hidden picture of the two of them and weep. But not only that, he clutches the picture to his chest before declaring "I will avenge your death. Everything I do...is for you!" Someone's got a first class ticket on the Melodramatic Express, you guys! Way to hit us over the head with the obvious. Just by having him risk going into a closed-off crime scene and touch a bunch of s**t (leaving fingerprints everywhere which is going to look SUPER weird when they go back and realize someone has broken into a crime scene) already signifies oodles about their relationship and Isaak's motives. Also, here's another instance where a character is established as one way, and then has a completely off-course reaction to something. I mean, Isaak would have to know that every single action of his at Viktor's apartment was completely careless. It was all just asking for trouble in a way that seems REALLY out of character for a dude that constantly attempts to remove all traces of anything ever in dangerous situations. Come ON! Dexter, Dexter, Dexter, you were doing so right by us for a few there. This is just sloppy.
Someone not down on that sloppy tip? Batista. He knows the Alex the Bartender death was a set-up. He asks for Quinn's thoughts, but he just calls the suicide note "sweet." Which, duh, it was—but in the all-too-convenient and easy way. Quinn's stuck between a rock and a hard place because he totally knows this doesn't add up, but he also wants to close this case and keep his girlfriend Nadia out of harm's way. (Oh that Koshka Brotherhood!) Batista somehow gets this, and gets Quinn to admit that he's f**king a stripper ("dancer," sorry). Batista just says he's jealous (really?), and Quinn explains that Nadia has a lot of friends (ugh), but Batista isn't into being a stereotype. You just got zinged, Quinn.
Quinn also uses the phrase "Patsy" in reference to Alex, which is hilarious. Suddenly this show is a 1940s detective drama. Well, see, we gotta see if he's a Patsy, see. For the mob, see! And then everybody put on their fedoras and smoked a bunch of cigarettes in black and white.
"You're so easy, like the others," Speltzer growls at Deb while sitting outside his last victim's funeral. This man is both nuts and ballsy. And knows exactly what buttons to push to make Deb go nuts. She gets all riled up and mouthy with him (swear words! So many swear words!) before Batista tries to separate the two. Visibly upset (she threw a damned shoe at this looney tune!), Batista sends Dexter over to Deb's to check in on her. When Deb admits that wanted to kill Speltzer in that moment, she does a good ole' projecting anger onto Dexter moment and defensively gets angry about her own feelings. She doesn't want Dexter to think that he's winning her over, or showing her that somehow he's serial killer tendencies are understood. Instead, the two go back to rehash how their relationship has changed. Dexter tries to convince her that nothing has changed (which, HAHAHA that is insane, dude) and Deb fights back, saying "what I know about you makes you a completely different person." Dexter goes all 'no way, I'm the same!' about who he is—which is true, but also not. Dexter's truth is only true for him, because he's always had all the facts. Deb never has, she's never known all sides of him. So for her, everything really has changed.
"The question is whether you'll be there for me," explains Dexter. Which—SERIOUSLY? If Deb couldn't recognize his sociopath tendencies before, that statement should've solidified it. You cannot save Dexter, Deb. This is not something within your control. This is a man who cannot feel or understand empathy and emotions (how could he? He's a serial killer). The hardest lesson Deb will have to learn is that she cannot help her brother. Each one has in abundance what the other lacks. Deb has a lock on compassion, while Dexter's logical reasoning is Rain Man-esque. But Deb's belief in the greater good of Dexter still leads her to be unsure as to whether or not she can be there for Dexter. It's certainly a conundrum—one I wish they played out differently, though. Cue the groan-inducing "I do" and "I do, and I don't do" moment. Allusions to wedding stuff, again! Which, ugh. STOP WITH THAT. IT IS SO CREEPY. Nobody wants this in their television show!
So naturally, Dexter's last-ditch effort to prove to his sister that he can be relied upon to control everything, he decides to take Speltzer out in his own way. Lizard brains, unite! (Apparently that saying is going to keep happening.) Dexter manages to knock Speltzer out and drags him into...a crematorium! Right on cemetery premises! Convenience, thy name is Miami. The two go back and forth, but we all know how this is going to end. Dexter continues to show us just how unhinged he's become, actually yelling "f************ck!" in Speltzer's face like a mimicking nutso. It's apparently Speltzer's fault—not at all Dexter's murderousy murderperson lizard brain and ~dark passenger~—that ruined Deb and Dexter's relationship. Oh, right. Natural thought progression right there.
The most intriuging part of the whole Speltzer death? Dexter takes his own trophies and throws them in with Speltzer's body. Is this his way of moving on? Getting rid of his trophies won't change Dexter, will it? In the end, we all know that Dexter is still going to murder people. It feels almost like another defense move for Deb's sake. Will it, though? Only time will tell if he really is or isn't like Speltzer, in the end.
Dexter calls Deb to pick him up from the crime scene (natch) and tells her about the wonderful evening he had, murdering Speltzer in her honor. Even though Dexter denies it to her face. "Did you do this for me?" Deb asks; he says no, even though he really means "yes, obviously." Dexter is like that cat that kills a bird, brings it proudly to your front steps beaming with pride over what its done for you, while Deb is the owner going "Ew, cat, what did you do that for?"
But Dexter still feels like he's right on this situation, so he oh-so-eerily asks "how do you feel?" To which Deb replies "glad...what does that make me?" Dexter, feeling like he's made some sort of 'kill' in his hunt to turn Deb to his side, declares that she is "human." (Because, ugh.) Was Speltzer really the monster that, once gone, would solve all of Deb and Dexter's problems? Or was he simply a stand-in (some would maybe even say...a mannequin. Oh SNAP look what I did there!) for the real thing? Dexter still doesn't understand the difference between human and humanity—will he ever?
The two sit in silence, watching the smoke of a burning monster crawl into the night sky. Can Deb and Dexter's relationship, like a phoenix, rise from these ashes? Could that last sentence have been any cheesier?
What did you think of tonight's episode? Agree or disagree with our theories? Sound off in the comments!
[Photo Credit: Showtime]
Follow Alicia on Twitter @alicialutes
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Criminal Minds fans might need to see a psychiatrist as they head into the Season 7 finale. The cast’s fate is completely up in the air. The finale teaser trailer has focused on the fact that one of the team will be “gone” by the end of the two-parter – the episodes are titled "Hit" and "Run" respectively. Couple that with the definite fact that star Paget Brewster is leaving the show (possibly in a body bag?) to pursue other options. Are the two related? Not so fast. Hollywood.com recently spoke with Criminal Minds main man Thomas Gibson, who plays Aaron Hotcher, and he was sure to give fans something to think about for the finale, including a random wedding and possible death. Could two cast members be leaving? The answer is just one of five big reasons to tune in for the finale.
Emily Prentiss Gone Forever?
All the talk leading into the finale has been that Brewster will have the option of coming back to the show for cameos next season. But Gibson asks that we prepare ourselves for the unexpected. “We love Paget and there’s definitely going to be a huge hole once she’s gone,” he says. “It’s too bad. but this is what happens, people move on and do their own thing.”
But can we assume she won’t die? Gibson isn’t so sure: “I wouldn’t anticipate anything really. Just let this thing unfold and see if you were right at the end.” This could be one of the biggest hoaxes in TV history if the cast agreed to keep saying, “Sure, Paget can come back next year,” all the while knowing she’d be killed in the finale. And according to Gibson, that’s not impossible.
A Teammate in Chains
“Well, you’ll have to watch but not unlike what would really happen, we try to send somebody in,” says Gibson. “You try to do as many things as you can, you try to appeal to the rational side of people holding the hostages, but that doesn’t work in this case.”
So, one of the team goes in and Gibson says it’s not him, but that leaves everyone else and with a show like this, it could be anyone. The show saw two people leave the team last year, why not this year as well? “I can definitely say there’s going to be some surprises along the way,” Gibson says. Cryptic much?
There Will Be Blood
“You think you know what you’re dealing with as far as [just] a robbery in progress goes,” says Gibson, adding that in Criminal Minds’ usual patented method, the robbery team, including kick-ass guest star Tricia Helfer (dressed like face cards in a deck), of course kills one person at each stop. “When we discover they are more than bank robbers, that’s when our expertise kicks in,” the actor says.
What’s All This About a Wedding?
Criminal Minds may be the strangest setting for a network TV wedding, but Gibson says one is on the way: “I would say that anybody guessing who is going to end up at the altar at the end of the second part is going to be surprised if you had asked them halfway through who it’s going to be.” Well, that eliminates the obvious choice: JJ and Will. So who could it be? (And this had better be good.) “It’s nice because it’s a slightly different ending than we normally have,” teases the 49-year-old. But how different? Different like a wedding between murderous bank robbers?
Gibson Ditches The Suit
What’s the real scoop about this explosive finale? “I’m not in a suit,” Gibson laughs. Death looms all around like a black cat in an old folks home, and Gibson still has jokes. It’s nice to see all his comedy training from his Dharma &amp; Greg days hasn’t been brutally ripped out of him by some clown killer.
The Season 7 finale of Criminal Minds airs 9 PM (ET/PT) May 16 on CBS. #GoodbyePrentiss.
Follow Mike Rothman on Twitter @TheRealRothman
[Image Credit: CBS]
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