To not accept this money?

My Father died and we found out he had changed his will after telling us that we would share his property abroad with stepm keeping the British homes, money and investments (no problem at all with that). He secretly bought under a Tontine meaning we got nothing.

Our stepm has alienated us from our entire paternal family and the uncles/aunts seem to project their feelings about our Mother onto us.

We have had to live with the fact that not only was our Father not a good Father in life with little love for us, hew continues to reject us in death. Mostly we have got on with things and have cut ties with our stepm who has lavished goods, gifts and money on other family members and friends. She threw away my Fathers photographs, possessions etc days after he died not asking any of us if we wanted them. She then found a new man three and a half months after he died.

To get to the point, she has ignored my children's birthdays and mine but today a cheque 'to share among yourselves as you see fit for Christmas' arrived.

Now I have cut all ties with her so it would be hypocritical to accept this money for myself and nor do I want it.

BUT - should i cash it and split between my children?Cash it and donate to charity/Send it back and tell her to re issue it in the form of cheques to my children?

If i cash it i am telling her that I don't want you but your money will do which feels not right. if I cash it and share it, all she will know is that i took her money and it'll be spread around my paternal family that I did this?

AIBU to tear the cheque up and try to suppress the awful feelings of pain and hurt that the arrival of this communique has triggered in me? I have done well to pretty much push to the back of my mind, the damage my Father has caused me all my life and feel much happier having no contact with her (she is manipulative and spiteful). My children dislike her having seen the pain caused and feel she very much used us during the funeral to depict a happy family with her at the heart and then discarded us all. They say i should do what i feel comfortable with.

This has made me so unhappy again. The cheque and card are sitting like a coiled snake on my kitchen table.

I don't need it but my children are recently fledged and so could do with it.

It seems part of her manipulation to force my hand because she could have sent both children cheques. However she doesn't like my daughter (for no reason at all) so would do anything to avoid handing over money directly to her.

I worry that it opens a dialogue with us in her eyes and gives ammo for the 'takes my money but won't speak to me' argument.

If you cash it, it'll likely be 'They took my money - that's all they want' and if you send it back it'll likely be 'I tried to help them out but they threw it in my face'.

It's a difficult one for you given that there's so much baggage attached to it. Personally, I'd give it to charity and let her have the charity receipt. (With no attached note from you.) That way, something good will come of it.

It does feel insulting especially as last year she ignored my daughters birthday and my nephews but sent my other child something which they decided to split between the three of them. They did not appreciate being treated like this.

Yes, letting her know that a charity has benefited might be a good thing. Maybe a food bank or charity for unhappy children? That would be divine justice.

Do you have siblings? Did they get cheques? I would destroy the cheque and do nothing - don't contact her to let her know. It sounds like taking the money will make you feel bad and giving it to charity could just seem petty and like a deliberate attempt to engage with her and piss her off, and will give her ammunition against you.

Well it's pretty much of an insult given the circumstances - and from what you said in your OP, I'm guessing that she had really substantial resources from your father. I'm guessing (wildly) that she got a bit tipsy, wrote it under the influence, but still couldn't bring herself to make it larger - even for show.

It's not a life-changing amount (where you might have a real conflict) so I'd turn it round on her - there are loads of small charities who would love even a small sum of cash to pay eg heating bills this winter.