Monica: First of all um, I love you both so much and you’re both so
important to me…

Rachel: Okay, bla-bla-bla-bla!! Who is it?!

Monica: Well umm, I was thinking that maybe we could come up with a
system where we trade of being maid of honor for each other. Like hypothetically,
if Phoebe were mine…

Phoebe: Yes!!! Oh!!

Rachel: Hypothetically!

Phoebe: Still.

Monica: If Phoebe were my maid of honor…

Rachel: Uh-hmm.

Monica: Rachel would be Phoebe’s, I would be Rachel’s, that way we
all get to do it once and no one would get upset.

Rachel: Yeah that’s actually a pretty good idea.

Phoebe: Yeah, I’ll do that. So who gets to be yours?

Monica: (laughs) Well that’s the best part. Umm, you guys get
to decide!

Phoebe: Wh-why is that the best part?

Monica: Because then I don’t have to!

Rachel: Well of course we will help you decide! We will do
anything we can to help you! Now, I would like to make a toast, to the future
Mrs. Chandler Bing (A woman at the table behind them overhears Chandler’s name
and starts listening closer), my best friend, and truly one of the nicest people
that…

Rachel: Okay. Okay. It’s—since you’ve never done it before you
can be Monica’s made of honor.

Phoebe: Oh, thank you so much! (They hug.) Okay.

Rachel: I’m gonna marry someone good y’know.

Phoebe: Oh I know.

Rachel: Better than Chandler. (Phoebe exhales as if to say, "Like
what isn’t?")

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Die Hard has ended, only I don’t think
Joey and Ross know that yet. As you see, they are both asleep. And they’re on
the same couch. Which means they’re sleeping together. Not like Joey is at one
end and Ross is on the other, they both happen to be lying down and sleeping
together. Well, there hasn’t been any clothes removed so not that kind
of sleeping together. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. That is
unless you’re a Republican in which that kind of thing will bring about the
downfall of Western society, especially if they should happen to want to get
married. Anyway, let me recap. No, there is too much, let me sum up. Ross and
Joey are taking a nap together on top of each other and both wake-up at the same
time, realize what they just did, scream, and jump up.]

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is approaching the bathroom
door behind which Chandler is using the facility.]

Monica: Chandler! (Knocks on the door.) Chandler! I just figured out
who you are!

Chandler: Can you figure out what I’m doing?

Monica: You’re Lewis Posin.

Chandler: Who?

Monica: Lewis Posin! He was my best friend in fifth grade, and-and
then one day I asked him to be my boyfriend and he said no. Do you know why?

Chandler: Because you kept talking to him while he was trying to go to
the bathroom?!

Monica: No! But because he thought I was to faaaaa…. (Chandler
emerges, without flushing by the way.) And every time I think about it, it makes
me feel as bad as I did in fifth grade! Y’know, I-I really think that you
should apologize to Julie.

Chandler: What? Are you kidding? That was like 16 years ago.

Monica: No, I know. But y’know what? It would make me feel better if
Lewis apologized to me.

Chandler: Okay, I will do it. But I have to warn you; this may make me
a better person and that is not the man you feel in love with!

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are laying out the ground rules for
the maid of honor auditions to Rachel and Phoebe.]

Joey: Okay, all right, this is how it’s going to work. We’re gonna
give you hypothetical maid of honor situations and you will be scored on a scale
of 1 to 10, 1 being the highest.

Ross: No, 10 is the highest.

Joey: Why is 10 the highest?

Ross: Because it’s the highest. (Joey shrugs his shoulders) Okay,
Rachel you’re up first. (Rachel stands up and gets ready.) Situation No. 1:
You’re with Monica, the wedding is about to start when Monica gets cold feet.
Go! (Joey is playing the part of Monica.)

Joey: (crying) I don’t want to marry Chandler!

Rachel: Okay, uh…

Joey: I’ve got cold feet.

Rachel: …it’s gonna be okay!

Joey: No, one man for the rest of my life? I don’t know if I can do
it! This means I’ll never get to sleep with Joey!

Rachel: Look Monica, getting cold feet is very common. Y’know,
it’s-it’s just because of all the anticipation and you just have to remember
that you love Chandler. And also, I ran out on a wedding. You don’t get to
keep the gifts.

Joey: (out of his Monica character) Very good! Drawing on your own
experience, I like that!

Rachel: Thanks!

Ross: Yes, very nice Rachel.

Rachel: Thank you judges.

Phoebe: Ugh, what a kiss ass.

Rachel: Oh!

Joey: Okay, Phoebe…

Phoebe: Yes! Your honor?

Joey: We’re now in the ceremony, Monica is about to say, "I
do" when her drunk uncle starts yelling. What do you do? Go!

Ross: (playing the drunk uncle) When Monica was a little girl, I
remember that—(Phoebe screams and tackles him)—Ooh!! Ow! Very good!

Phoebe: Oh!

Joey: Yes! Excellent! Perfect score!

Rachel: Wait a minute! She just made a scene in the middle of the
ceremony!

Phoebe: Hey! Do you want do you want a little taste of Pheebs?!

Ross: It is time for you to give your maid of honor speech.

Rachel: Ohh, wait a minute, we haven’t pre…

Ross: Go!

Rachel: Okay! Okay! Umm, Webster’s Dictionary defines
marriage as… (Ross and Joey start writing.) Okay!! Forget that! That sucks!!
Okay, never mind! Forget it! Umm, umm, okay, uh… I met, I-I met, I met Monica
when we were just a couple of six year olds and I became friends with Chandler
when he was 25, although he seemed like a six year old.

Ross and Joey: Oh! That’s nice.

Rachel: Thank you. Thank you very much. Umm, I’ve known them
separately and I’ve known them together and-and to know them as a couple is to
know that you are truly in the presence of love. So I would like to raise my
glass (Grabs a glass and holds it up) to Monica and Chandler and the beautiful
adventure they are about to embark upon together. I can think of no two people
better prepared for the journey.

Joey: Wow. (To Ross) Good speech.

Ross: Yeah, it really was!

Rachel: Aw, thanks!

Ross: Okay Phoebe, I guess you’re next (To Joey) although I really
don’t see the point.

Joey: Yeah.

Phoebe: Okay, I can’t believe that Monica and Chandler are getting
married. I remember talking about this day with Rachel while we were showering
together, naked. (Raises her glass and drinks.)

(Joey and Ross pause while they picture the event.)

Joey: And she’s back in the game.

[Scene: A random apartment building, Chandler and Monica are knocking on the
door of the woman from the beginning.]

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Ross are giving Phoebe and Rachel the results
of their election. Somewhat faster than Florida I might add.]

Joey: All right, well first of all I would like to say that you both
performed very well. Okay? You should be proud of yourselves. And-and I would
also like to say that in this competition there are no losers. Well, except for
Rachel—Damnit!

Phoebe: Really?! I won!

Rachel: What?!

Ross: I’m sorry Rach, it was, it was really close.

Rachel: Well then I demand a recount! (Hmm, I wonder where I’ve
heard that before.)

Ross: Actually, it wasn’t that close.

Rachel: No! Y’know what? No! No! You thing was so stupid anyway,
this was ridiculous—We’re gonna flip a coin! (Phoebe gasps.) All right?!
(She flips the coin.) Heads! (Looks at the coin and grunts in disgust.)

Phoebe: (running after her) Rach, it’s gonna be okay! (To Ross and
Joey) You guys are the best!

Joey: Boy I tell ya, that judging stuff took a lot out of me.

Ross: Yeah?

Joey: Yeah! I was thinking about maybe going upstairs and taking a
little nap on my couch. (Raises his eyebrows, questioning Ross to see if he
wants to join him.)

Ross: Why-why would I care about that?

Joey: No reason, I’m just saying that uh… That’s where I’ll
be.

(Joey gets up and heads for the door. After a pause Ross decides to join
him.)

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler and Monica have returned
from Julie’s.]

Chandler: As bad as that went I actually enjoyed myself. I think that
I’m going to apologize for all of the stupid things I do.

Monica: Why don’t you just stop doing stupid things? Then you
wouldn’t have to apologize.

Chandler: I would really love it if could do both.

Monica: All right, I…I have to ask.

Chandler: What?

Monica: Are you gonna break up with me if I get fat again?

Chandler: What?!

Monica: Well, you broke up with Julie Grath! How much weight could she
have gained?

Chandler: A hundred and forty-five pounds.

Monica: In one year?! My God what did she eat? Her-her family!
That’s not the point.

Chandler: Look I know it was a stupid reason to break up with
somebody, but I was 15!

Monica: Well… That’s not the only time this was an issue. You
remember when umm, you spent Thanksgiving with us? You called me fat.

Chandler: Okay. Okay, now wait a minute that was totally different.

Monica: How?

Chandler: You were not supposed to hear that! I said that behind you
back!

Monica: What if I have babies, okay? I mean I’m gonna look
different. I’m okay with that, but I’m not sure that you are!

Chandler: Look you have to realize I don’t think of you as a thin,
beautiful woman. (Monica glares at him.) See this is one of things that I can
apologize for later! Look, what I mean is you’re Monica! Okay? And I am in
love with Monica.

Monica: Keep going.

Chandler: So you can balloon up or you can shrink down and I will
still love you.

Monica: Even if I shrink down to two inches tall?

Chandler: I’d carry you around in my pocket.

Monica: I love you. (They hug and kiss.)

Chandler: Skidmark’s still got a way with the ladies.

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Rachel enters carrying a shopping
bag.]

Rachel: Yeah. Yeah, and y’know you-you deserve to win. And-and
y’know I was thinking about it, if-if you’re Monica’s maid of honor that
means I get to be yours.

Phoebe: Oh yeah!

Rachel: Yeah! Oh, umm when-when Monica and Chandler got engaged I
started putting some stuff together, y’know just in case…

Phoebe: Oh that’s so sweet thanks.

Rachel: Here is a book of poetry that I know Monica loves. And-and ohh
God this is funny, look, this is a picture of one Halloween where she dressed up
as a bride. (Shows Phoebe the picture.) And look, she made me carry her train,
which was weird because I was Wonder Woman. Oh and here’s a little
purse that I found. (Hands her the purse) Y’know I just thought that maybe
they could hold the rings in there.

Phoebe: Ohh.

Rachel: And umm, vintage handkerchiefs y’know ‘cause, people cry
at weddings. (Starting to cry.) I’m just gonna grab a couple of these.

Phoebe: This stuff is great!

Rachel: Oh, I forgot this was in here. Umm, this was the uh garter
that I was saving for my wedding and I wanted it to be Monica’s something
borrowed and it’s blue. (Starts to cry again.) Yeah…

Phoebe: Y’know Rach, I think that, I think you should be Monica’s
made of honor.

Rachel: You do? Why?

Phoebe: Because I think it means more to you.

Rachel: But Pheebs, y’know you earned it.

Phoebe: Its fine. I mean, this is something that you’ve been
thinking about since you were what, 14? (She’s referring to the Halloween
picture.)

Rachel: No, I was ten. I just developed early.

Phoebe: (looking at the picture again) Man alive!

Monica: (entering) Hey, what’s going on?

Rachel: Hey!

Phoebe: Well, we just decided that Rachel is gonna be your maid of
honor.

Monica: (gasps) Ohh, wow! That’s great! (Rachel and Monica hug.) Oh
wow! We really have to start planning! I have, I have a lot of really specific
ideas! We should probably get together like four times per week. You can come
over to my place; we’ll get together before work! What do you say, 6:30, my
place? I’m so excited! (Runs out leaving Rachel completely stunned and Phoebe
laughing.)