Support for Family Issues

Sexual Assault and Abuse

Put your car keys beside your bed at night. If you hear a noise outside your home or someone trying to get in your house, just press the panic button for your car. The alarm will be set off, and the horn will continue to sound until either you turn it off or the car battery dies.

This tip came from a neighborhood watch coordinator. Next time you come home for the night and you start to put your keys away, think of this:

It's a security alarm system that you probably already have and requires no installation. Test it. It will go off from most everywhere inside your house and will keep honking until your battery runs down or until you reset it with the button on the key fob chain. It works if you park in your driveway or garage If your car alarm goes off when someone is trying to break into your house, odds are the burglar rapist won't stick around... After a few seconds all the neighbors will be looking out their windows to see who is out there and sure enough the criminal won't want that. And remember to carry your keys while walking to your car in a parking lot. The alarm can work the same way there ...... This is something that should really be shared with everyone.

I
was sitting at the back of the restaurant, rolling silverware, and taking care
of the last details of my shift. Two loud men walked in. I immediately knew
them I shrunk down in my chair and hoped they didn't recognize me. They made
their way to the table right behind me and had a seat. I grew very still even
held my breath hoping they wouldn't see me. I pretended to be normal and kept
working. I could hear them talking about girlfriends past and then they started
talking about a girl they had so much fun with. One of the men bragged about
how much dope he put into her drink to get her to pass out. He leaned back in
his chair and put his head right next to mine and said "You can have
anything you want from a fifteen year old if you give her enough dope."
Then he laughed so loud I jumped. I gathered my things and with
as much composure as I could, which only brought more fits of laughter
from those awful men. I ran to my car climbed in and locked the doors terrified.
I tore out of the parking lot and headed for safety. Now they knew where I
worked. I contemplated quitting my job. I got very angry because I had finally
put that night out of my life. I had rebuilt my life and now it was all ruined.
The more I thought about it the more angry I got. I decided to once again bury
the past, just pretend it never happened. I was very successful in my plan
until the day My daughter told me that she had been raped.

It was a life changing moment for me. I later found out that two of my
daughters had been raped and the third was forced to keep the secret. I
punished myself harshly for allowing this to happen in their lives. I blamed
myself because I was the adult, I should have known better. I should have
watched closer. We immediately brought charges against their aggressor. The
legal fight was on and it was very ugly. I became depressed and angry. It
seemed that counseling wasn't helping anybody, I was completely
ineffective at home and our beautiful life was falling apart right in front of
my eyes. I knew I was failing, and with the fate of my girls at stake, I had to
find a way to put all this back together.We started going to church, because I
thought it might be a good place to start. I was desperate to say the very least.

We had now been in the fight of our lives for one year. Our assailant had
finally been arrested. Then the courtroom drama began.We went from one
appointment to another trying to reclaim our lives. I was driving home
from yet another courtroom nightmare where all the car salesmen (lawyers) meet
with their clients to try to sell their deals, one after another. We originally
charged our aggressor with Sexual Assault of a minor. 2 counts. Each
count carried a 99 year sentence. That's what I wanted him to pay. My
heart was set on having a safe environment for my girls to live in. 10
years was not enough, they would only be beginning their lives and he
would be out. 20 years wouldn't be enough, they would just be having children
that's not a good time. I burned with rage against that man. I hated him.
The purest unadulterated form of hate. I hated the system, I hated having no
control of our lives, I hated reliving this tragedy over and over again, and
most of all, I hated watching my family suffer.

I looked in my rear view mirror and coming up behind me on his
motorcycle- Our aggressor. It blew my mind. How he could hurt so many people
without regret. Imprison us in our home, and be roaming free -
smiling even. Out enjoying a ride on his bike on a beautiful day. My foot
instantly hit the accelerator, and without even considering it, I knew about a
blind corner coming up. There were always accidents there. I sped up and
braced for impact.

At
that moment I stood on the edge of insanity and debated jumping in and
satisfying my craving for revenge.To get a "right now" justice. At
that moment I felt like the only way I could feel better was if he couldn't
feel at all. My inability to control my circumstances left me grasping for
something I could control. I could control my gas pedal. If I wiped him off the
face of this Earth my girls could feel safe again. People would say it was
divine justice. And I could finally quiet my guilt for not originally
protecting my daughters. I could protect them now. My soul screamed DO IT -DO
IT NOW!! I needed him to bleed like my girls hearts bled. I felt like if
he died it brought justice to all women who had been hurt by a man. A picture
of my girls getting married without me flashed through my mind, all the
wind blew out of my sail. I couldn't do it. I became angrier with myself than
ever. I wimped out. Another failure in a long list of many failures. At just
that moment we went around the corner and I got a good look at him. It
wasn't him at all. I almost killed an innocent man. I could have ruined so many
lives. In that split second I had become the aggressor. I knew now that I
couldn't be trusted my judgment was truly impaired.

Hate
is a very strong force to be reckoned with. It is all consuming and dangerous.
If left unchecked it can leave many families in ruins. I could have spread
our pain to everyone. God knows there was enough to go around. We were all very
alone at that time. Family's take sides, friends get uncomfortable and
disappear. Pain can isolate you if you let it. We did.

I didn't feel like I could talk to anyone I didn't want to jeopardize the case.
People were always watching our family for signs of cracks, because after all
we probably deserved it. I kept my strong face on. What people didn't know was I
was broken, and I had been for a long time. I focused on my hatred of him to
keep my face straight. If I was angry I could function. If I let go of that all
I would have left would be pain, and I couldn't deal with that. I always told my
girls if we act hurt he wins. I didn't want him to win. I didn't want to give an
inch. So we pretended to be normal. We did normal things. I spurred the girls
on when things got hard. I wouldn't let them quit. But like every other facade, I
shattered the idea of being normal with my little plot. Murderous thoughts were
always on my mind, but acting on them was a whole new level- one that scared
me. Talk about being scared straight. My family needed a real healing- no more
keeping up appearances. It was time for some soul searching. My prayer became
" Lord create in me a new heart because mine is black with hate. Father
please find something in me that's good because I cant see the way
anymore. I cant see. Thank you Jesus he did just that. His word
really isn't void. After crying out to God, I had finally released Him to move
in my life. One day when God and I were talking, He told me that I could
never help my daughters to heal if I didn't face my own pain. Once again I
got depressed, because I didn't know how. I have finally learned the secret. It
is simply forgiveness. I couldn't forgive myself for being so stupid and
trusting those who I thought were my friends. By forgiving myself, I became
free. Gods love ebbed into my heart slowly and pushed all the hate right
out. The biggest surprise to me was I was able to heal without depression,
without finding myself in a heap somewhere. I was completely functional and
even happy. My Father takes good care of me. He sent me friends, a place to
belong, good council, a safe place. The cleft in the rock is a real place not
just an old story. I have lived there. Because of my healing I can truly say to
all women who find themselves in this situation FORGIVE YOURSELF !!! It was not
your fault. You didn't deserve it.

written by S.

2
Chronicles 7:14 If my people, who are called by my name, will
humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways,
then I will hear from Heaven and forgive their sin and will heal their land.

Find reasons to not be with someone they used to spend time with (or any change of behavior toward a friend or family member)

Unable to concentrate, daydreaming, 'spacing out', 'in a world of their own'

Withdrawn, isolated, or excessively worried

Excessive or early masturbation

Starts sucking thumb or fingers (toddlers and young children) I know this one, because that's what I started doing when my father started abusing me. My mom couldn't figure out why I suddenly started sucking my thumb as a toddler. I still haven't stopped. It's my security blanket, it relaxes me. - D

Becomes a perpetrator, targeting a child, sibling, or friend

Fear of parent leaving her. (My daughter begged me not to go, even when her dad was here at home.) -D

Inappropriate kissing in young children. (When kissing my children goodnight, the kiss from them was prolonged and seemed passionate.) -D

Nervous or fearful around adults, in particular, men. -D

Not wanting someone, including a parent, to change his/her diaper or give him/her a bath. -D

Imaginary friend(s) -D

The one major sign of sexual abuse we've encountered is bowel movement accidents in older toilet trained children.

It was one of those hot muggy summer nights when I was ten years old.The family was over at my grandma’s house just hanging out; my parents, grandparents and an uncle.The phone rang and everyone seemed to be called to attention.It was another uncle and his girlfriend.On their way back from an amusement park, their car broke down and they needed someone to pick them up.I’m not really sure who went but none the less, they made it home.After they had got back and the initial excitement and full explanations of the broken down car were over, it was decided that we all were hungry and they had appointed that uncle to go to Taco Bueno to get food for all.During this time, going out to eat or getting food from the fast food place was a real treat.I don’t know what his train of thought was at the moment he spoke up and said he wasn’t going alone.He turned to me and said, “Debbie can go with me.”The family agreed and off we went.So I thought.

As we turned the corner, he began talking to me about my “womanhood.”He point blanked asked if I had started my period.I was ten…of course I had not.Feeling very awkward and embarrassed I confidently responded with, “Not yet, but mom says that it should happen anytime now.”He and his girlfriend lived two streets behind my grandparents.He turned down his street and I ask where we were going because I knew this wasn’t the way to the restaurant.He said he had to stop by his house to get something.He pulled into the driveway and said let’s get out.I had a very uneasy feeling and told him I would stay in the car.He turned to me and said, “Don’t you trust me?I’m your dad’s brother.I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you because he would beat me up.”Now feeling very uncomfortable I agreed to get out and we went into the house.I remember I started to shiver.I wasn’t cold, I was just shivering.He told me to lie down on the couch.He began to undress me and I started to cry, still unsure what was happening.He kept telling me to trust him…trust him that he was my dad’s brother.He started to touch me and I began crying out loud.He told me several times to stop crying.I couldn’t stop...it was uncontrollable.He then said if you don’t stop crying, I’m going to give it to you.I didn’t understand that statement until he stood up and started undoing his pants.He stood at the foot of the couch and began to touch himself.Still crying, I turned my head and found myself staring at the front door.I was watching and waiting for the door knob to turn.I wanted to leave.Someone was bound to come through the door at any moment.At one point, he got up went to the bathroom and got something.At the time, I didn’t know what it was.He stuck his hand in a jar and began to smear some sort of lotion on me.He then got on top of me.I just remember feeling pain.I didn’t know what was happening or what to do.Thirty years ago what did a ten year old girl really know about sex?Not much.I don’t know how much time passed or what else happened.I only know that nobody opened the door.No one came in.No one heard me crying.No one…

After he was finished, he went to the bathroom and told me to get dressed.As I was putting on my clothes, he told me to come into the bathroom and gave me a rag and told me to clean myself.I didn’t feel anything at this point.I just wanted to leave.

We got back into the car and headed to Taco Bueno.There was always a long line so he went to Taco Bell and that was his excuse for taking so long.He told me that we would tell them we waited for thirty minutes at Taco Bueno and then decided to go to Taco Bell.When we got back to the house with the food, the first thing everyone asked was, “What took you so long?”He responded with his premeditated answer and then said asked Debbie.I just responded by shaking my head up and down.They didn’t even think twice about it.They just dug in to the bags of food and carried on as though nothing happened.

No one ever knew about that night until 17 years later.When I started My Road of Recovery and dealing with issues of being molested for 7 years by my step-father (the brother of the uncle who raped me), I decided to have my mother join me in a session with the Christian counselor.That night, she learned that I wasn’t only molested by step-father, which she knew about, but also by two other men and an uncle.And it was that uncle who raped me.She cried and said she didn’t know.Of course she didn’t, no one knew. No one came through the door that night.Until this day, she has never spoken to me about the rape or about the molestation of my step-father, who she is still married to today.

There is a Ravaging of our youth, their innocence and the natural order of things that is sweeping through our country, our states, our cities, our families and our children.There is a scar that is within me that will never go away.There are pictures in my head that will always be there.There is remorse because a part of me was ravaged, torn and pushed aside as though I didn’t matter.But today…with My God…I am a stronger person.I see the scar but there is no fear with it.There is no longer any pain.The pictures in my head will flip through like a book.It’s just a book about my past; it’s no longer a book that defines me and the present.I have found healing and wholeness in only one thing, in only one book…The Word of God.

1 out of every 6 American women have been the victims of an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime (14.8% completed rape; 2.8% attempted rape).

17.7 million American women have been victims of attempted or completed rape.

9 of every 10 rape victims were female in 2003.

While about 80% of all victims are white, minorities are somewhat more likely to be attacked.

Lifetime rate of rape /attempted rape for women by race:

All women: 17.6%

White women: 17.7%

Black women: 18.8%

Asian Pacific Islander women: 6.8%

American Indian/Alaskan women: 34.1%

Mixed race women: 24.4%

Men

About 3% of American men — or 1 in 33 — have experienced an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime.

In 2003, 1 in every ten rape victims were male.

2.78 million men in the

U.S.

have been victims of sexual assault or rape.

Children

15% of sexual assault and rape victims are under age 12.

29% are age 12-17.

44% are under age 18.

80% are under age 30.

12-34 are the highest risk years.

Girls ages 16-19 are 4 times more likely than the general population to be victims of rape, attempted rape, or sexual assault.

7% of girls in grades 5-8 and 12% of girls in grades 9-12 said they had been sexually abused.

3% of boys grades 5-8 and 5% of boys in grades 9-12 said they had been sexually abused.

In 1995, local child protection service agencies identified 126,000 children who were victims of either substantiated or indicated sexual abuse.

Of these, 75% were girls.

Nearly 30% of child victims were between the age of 4 and 7.

93% of juvenile sexual assault victims know their attacker.

34.2% of attackers were family members.

58.7% were acquaintances.

Only 7% of the perpetrators were strangers to the victim.

Effects of Rape

Victims of sexual assault are:

3 times more likely to suffer from depression.

6 times more likely to suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder.

13 times more likely to abuse alcohol.

26 times more likely to abuse drugs.

4 times more likely to contemplate suicide.

How often does sexual assault occur?

In 2006, there were 272,350 victims of rape, attempted rape, or sexual assault. (These figures do not include victims 12 years old or younger.)Every 2 minutes, someone in the

U.S.

is sexually assaulted.Here's the math. According to the U.S. Department of Justice's National Crime Victimization Survey — the country's largest and most reliable crime study — there were 272,350 sexual assaults in 2006 (the most recent data available).

There are 525,600 minutes in a non-leap year. That makes 31,536,000 seconds/year. So, 31,536,00 divided by 272,350 comes out to 1 sexual assault every 116 seconds, or about 1 every 2 minutes.

Sexual Assault vs. Rape

Notice that we said 1 sexual assault, not 1 rape.Sexual assault is a broader category that the Justice Department uses to classify rape, attempted rape, and other violent felonies that fall short of rape. Rape is defined as forced vaginal, oral, or anal penetration.In 2005, there were approximately 200,780 sexual assaults. Of these, 64,080 were completed rapes. So if you want a figure that covers only rapes, divide 31,536,000 by 64,080. That comes out to 1 rape ever 492 seconds or 1 rape every 8 minutes.

The Unvictims

Sexual assault has fallen by more than 60% in recent years. Had the 1993 rate held steady, 6.8 million Americans would have been assaulted in the last 13 years.But, thanks to the decline, the actual number of victims was about 4.2 million. In other words, if not for the historic gains we've made in the last decade, an additional 2,546,420 Americans would have become victims of sexual violence.

Once I was able to overcome my road block of blaming God, then I made great progress in my counseling.You hear stories of how people go to counseling for years and years and are still dealing with the same issues.It makes me wonder whose steps are they following; are they following a laid out plan?Is God anywhere in their counseling?I can tell you this; if God is in something it will go forward!

Step One:I recognize that I am powerless to heal the damaged emotions resulting from my sexual abuse, and I look to God for the power to make me whole.

Step Two:I acknowledge that God’s plan for my life includes victory over the experience of sexual abuse.

Step Three:The person who abused me is responsible for the sexual acts committed against me.I will not accept the guilt and shame resulting from those sexual acts.

Step Four:I am looking to God and His Word to find my identity as a worthwhile and loved human being

Step Five:I am honestly sharing my feelings with God and with at least one other person to help me identify those areas needing cleansing and healing.

I hit a major road block in my counseling and spiritual growth because of the anger I had festering inside.I realized that I held GOD accountable for it.I blamed Him!After all, He is suppose to protect me and love me…right?How come He didn’t stop it?How could he let him do that to me?Where was He?WHERE WERE YOU GOD?

I found myself day after day asking the same questions…”Where were you God?”The more I asked the angrier I got.I found myself at church simmering on the question and the anger.On a Sunday night in February of 1997, the Lord answered my question and blew my mind.This is a letter that I wrote to the Lord after that night.

Dear Jesus,

There have been many nights that have come and gone since that night.And I remember thinking that if there is a God, He doesn’t care.For if He cared, then none of these things would have happened to me.During the recent counseling, I remember how angry I was at you, Jesus.I was older and understood more but I still couldn’t manage the emotions of anger.I couldn’t hide them from you so I was completely honest.I remember many times while I was trying to pray and the only thing that would come out of my mouth was “where were you?”Your words say You never leave us or forsake us so…where were you?”

One night at church while a guest speaker was preaching, I received the answer to my question.I was trying hard to listen to her but my mind kept drifting.And as I asked the question again, I heard your voice say, “I was there the whole time.”How come you didn’t stop him?“Every man is given a gift of choice.He can choose what he wants to do and when he wants to do it.It is his will to do so.”If you were there, then what were you doing?As He began to answer, I had a vision of me in my old bedroom lying in the bed not moving a muscle.I saw the light from the kitchen as it came down the hall and some how stopped at the door of my bedroom.Then I saw my dad standing beside my bed in his white t-shirt and doing the things he did.Then…my eyes drifted over his shoulder to the other corner of my room.And that’s when I saw you.And as the tears filled your eyes you said, “I was here…right here looking upon you with compassion.”My heart broke as you said these words and I watched the tears fall from your eyes.It was then that I knew you were really there and that you are here now.Then I repented for the anger that I had for you because I know it’s not your fault.He had the will to choose and he chose poorly.

As I sit here now, I realize that you were there when no one was around.That was your hand on the trigger when I held the gun to my head.That was your hand on the bottle of pills, your hand on the knife that I put to my wrist.It was You who stood between my car and the side of the overpass.You were there holding onto life for me when I wanted to let go.All the times I wanted to die you wouldn’t let me.Your hand of protection was on me even then.Even in the ignorance of my youth, you had mercy on me.I want to tell you, thank you.Thank you for making a way.When I couldn’t find a way, some how, some way…You did.There were times when I was strong but it was strength that was fueled by anger.

Now, I know that my strength comes from you.Without you, I would have nothing.I don’t know why I have endured the things I have.I no longer wrestle with wondering why because I know that the things others meant for evil you are turning for good.I know there are other issues that I still have to walk through but I want to thank you for bringing me this far.Thank you for being patient as I stumble along this path.Thank you for those who are walking with me.Thank you for giving me a reason to live.Thank you for being my reason to live.

I just didn’t wake up one day and say, “I think I’m going to get counseling and get rid of the extra garbage I’ve been carrying around.”I don’t think anyone does that.It was a culmination of events that brought me to that place.Actually, it was stemmed from a confrontation between me and my mother.You know, when the grown daughter has to stand up to the intruding mother and tell her in very nice words that I am directing my own life, I will be raising my children and I only need your “help” when I ask for it.Setting boundaries is a difficult task all by itself.In my situation, it was complicated by the past issues of sexual abuse where boundaries were nonexistent.To say the least, she didn’t take it very well.Our present issue of setting boundaries for her was a rejection and self proclaimed guilt about the sexual abuse in my childhood.Many things happened between that moment and my first day of counseling.We will not get into those details just yet.

With many consultations with my Pastors and guidance in finding a Christian counselor, I was about to take a step that ultimately would change my life forever.That day is best explained in a letter I wrote to a friend in my gratitude of helping me through that day…

“I remember the day so clearly.It was the day you gave me something that moved me deeply.As that day began, I was so unsure as to what was going to happened and what I was going to do.When I went to pick up, I pulled into a parking space and sat there wondering if I could take that step that lied ahead.Mustering up all the courage I had, I got out of the truck.I could barely walk because my nerves and emotions where being tossed on a raging sea.

As I walked in, the Pastors were finishing up a counseling session with a couple.Being rushed for time, we turned to go.Pastor spoke up and said, “Let’s pray.”I didn’t want to pray I just wanted to leave and get it over with.I didn’t want to face anyone.

Terrified, nauseous, and trembling I took that step.By the grace of God and a carrying person, I made it through the first step.You had to drive back because all I could do was cry.It felt as thought I had been turned inside out and left that way.When we got back to the church, we began to talk or should I say you began to talk.

Encouraging and comforting me, you gave me something as a symbol of what seemed to be and what was going to be.You gave me your snowman earrings.You took them right out of your ears and placed them in my hand and said: “I want to give you something.You remember how hard it was to get my ears pierced but I did it anyway.Let the snowman, which is huge and scary, represent the counseling.And as you go through the counseling, this whole situation won’t be so scary.As you make progress, the snowman will begin to melt.One day you will look back at the snowman and see nothing except a puddle of water.One day, you won’t be so scared.So please, accept my gift, would you take them?”

As I held the earrings in my hand, I couldn’t see that snowman melting but I knew one day he wouldn’t be so big.

I have worn the earrings at each session.I have worn them when I felt down, when you weren’t here and when I felt insecure.They have become very precious to me.They represent a stable force-a new found trust in the Lord.When I look at them, I think of you and how much you have helped me.I think of how you “were not” there and that He never left me or forsook me.He had compassion on me.”

Now, the snowman puddle has evaporated!Only memories that are now a monument to what the Lord has done in my life.

May you see that the Lord is good and He is worthy to be praised!I pray that you will have the courage to take the step to total healing in your life.

Who have you blamed for the sexual abuse that happen to you?I hit a major road block in my counseling and spiritual growth because of the anger I had festering inside.I realized that I held GOD accountable for it.I blamed Him!After all, He is suppose to protect me and love me…right?How come He didn’t stop it?How could he let him do that to me?Where was He?WHERE WERE YOU GOD?

In Part II, I will tell you about the vision I had and how it changed my Road of Recovery and gave me great revelation about the gifts God gives to man!