Your Guide to the Internet, Part 3

Thanks for stopping by again to finish out this exhaustive Internet guide. In case this is the first time you’ve been to see me since I began this guide, you can get up to speed with Parts 1 and 2 by clicking: here for Part 1, and here for Part 2. I warn you now that since this is the final Part, it will be longer than the others. It’s as if Part 1 and Part 2 are the setup, and this is the punchline.

Now on to Internet shorthand. Let’s start with some easy ones, and work to more specific, obscure lingo. You may be familiar, but pay attention. You might just learn something:

LOL–“Laugh Out Loud” This usually follows something that is worth only grinning about. However, in this world of fragile egos, people want you to know that you are stupid if you do not laugh along with them. If you do not laugh, they, in turn, feel like the dumb one.

ROFL–“Rolling On the Floor Laughing” To someone who has written “lol”, you can come back with “rofl” to try and one-up him or her. It’s on now. Look for a response like:

LSHIBL–“Laughing So Hard I Barfed a Little” I use this one all the time to immediately quench any one-upmanship that there may have been. The only way to top “barfing a little” is to “die laughing”, and that is entirely ludicrous, being that he or she is still typing. Game. Set. Match.

JK–“Just Kidding” It forever rescinds whatever you just said without repercussions. I am always writing, “Never, EVER talk to me again, you selfish wretch! jk!” They then realize my joke, and reply, “lol”. Then I really get mad and jump straight to “lshibl” to shut that selfish wretch right up. jk!

IDK–“I Don’t Know” As in, “idk how to spell complete words.”

BRB–“Be Right Back” Of all the Internet shorthand, this one makes the most sense. It is for use when you must be suddenly taken away from your computer. I’m always saying, “brb, gotta poop”.

TTYL–“Talk To You Later” Instead of typing “bye” (a complete word), ttyl implies a more friendly closure to the conversation. It lets the reader know that the writer has every intention of continuing this conversation some time in the future, instead of leaving it to the fates with the ominous “bye”.

IMHO–“In My Humble Opinion” This almost always precedes an inflammatory remark that is intended to show the writer’s superiority. For example, “IMHO, you are all idiots, and should send me all your money before you spend it all on penny whistles and rock candy.”

BFF–“Best Friend Forever” Assuming that you and your friend will live forever, and you know for certain that you will remain friends throughout that entire period, this is appropriate. Sadly, this is often misused between high school friends who will never speak to one another following an incident where one “bff” dances with the other “bff”s “bf” (boyfriend) at “p” (prom).

TGMJHPOANAIY–“Thank God Michael Jackson Hasn’t Put Out Any New Albums In Years” Yep, the last few were some real stinkers.

No Internet Guide is complete without “Emoticons”! Here’s a thorough, but by no means complete, listing:

:-)–“Smile” It lets the reader know that you were happy while writing your statement. For example, “I hung out with my friends tonight :-)” means, “I am happy that my friends did not ditch me tonight like they did last week.” Be careful not to send mixed messages. Never say something like, “I can’t believe my mother still treats me like a child :-)”, as people might assume you want to be treated like a child. They might reply, “Are you wearing a diaper right now?”

;-)–“Wink” This can have a meaning similar to “jk”, but can also signal a bit of flirtation or innuendo. One possible use is, “You are soooo strong ;-)”. Well, is it as a sultry “strong” or “you are strong, jk”? I’ve had a bad experience saying just that, and I can’t begin to tell you how many weak, scrawny men thought I was flirting with them! Stick with “jk” unless your j and k keys are broken.

:-O–“Shocked” When you see something someone has written that is unbelievable or outrageous, break this one out. It will make the other person wonder if he or she offended you, thereby giving you the upper hand in the conversation.

:-O{{{{{–“I Was So Drrruuunnnkk That I Projectile Vomited” Facebook has a very complicated algorithm that will routinely place this emoticon into comments containing minors with an alcoholic drink in their grasp.

<:’-(–“It’s My Party and I’ll Cry if I Want To” Don’t worry, though. Before long, it’ll be “Judy’s turn to cry”.

%-)–“I Feel Like Sloth from ‘The Goonies‘” This should be used by anyone who still wears a Superman shirt anywhere. I rest my case.

Lastly, Internet scams:

Probably all of us have received e-mail scams in one form or another. A huge clue is broken English and misspellings. Many of them look like this:

Hello,

My name is John, and I am from Nigeria. A wealthy leader in my village die and leave many moneys in millions for me. I cannot pay taxes because i am pour. Pleas to send me moneys to pay tax on moneys? I will pay 19 billion naira (author’s note: $25,000 US) to anyone who send me $5000 dollar to free up moneys. Please to e-mail me back to address, and I will tell you where send moneys.

Sincerely,

John

What person in their right mind would respond to this? Yet all over the world, the sick, old, and stupid send thousands of dollars to these hoaxes in spite of the warnings and pleas from family members. Everyone must know that this is obviously a scam! I have personally seen people sending money via Western Union to Nigeria. Just to see if they are falling prey to a scam, I ask a polite question: “Do you have family in Nigeria? That’s very far away.” They respond, “No, a missionary needs some money to keep an orphanage open, so I am donating to help my brother in Christ.” Bummer. There’s no way to talk people out of it, either. I have tried. I make sure I only participate in real Internet contests. In fact, just last week, I was able to enter myself in an amazing contest where I didn’t have to put in ANY money! All I had to do was send my credit card numbers to the contest, and if one of them is lucky, I will win many dollars in millions of moneys! It’s foolproof!

I came across this Internet site, www.419eater.com. This link will take you to my favorite story. Basically, the guy who hosts the website baits scammers into a scam, makes them do ridiculous things, then strings them along for a matter of months. For anyone who has seen someone else taken by a scam, here is some retribution.

This ends our trip through the Internet, and all its intricacies. I honestly hope you laughed a little with me. Check back often, as apparently I have too much time on my hands.