Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Dr. Trigg Prescribes 7 Basic Rules to Develop Your Society Overnight

To help China and other developing countries with their development, I've thought up 7 simple policies to dramatically develop a society.

If you’ve traveled to a developing country, I’m sure you’ve
seen the small three-wheeled carts which are carrying a pile of bags that are
haphazardly lashed together in a mound about the size of two elephants,
engulfing the driver and most of the cart.

1.Therefore,
excluding the weight of the passenger, motorized vehicles should never carry
any load that is heavier than the vehicle itself.

After overhearing the ill-founded, racist judgments of a
local farmer on a train, I have come up with this simple rule of thumb… (or
rule of mouth if you will).

Respect the laws of time. Trains all leave on a schedule of
some kind, and the sun rises at different times than in your capital city.

3.Accordingly
putting clocks in train stations and accepting separate time-zones should not
be sloughed off as an unnecessary concession to the ever-so-burdensome spacetime.

If you need megaphones to constantly blast a soundtrack
reminding citizens to act “civilized,” it is a pretty blatant admission that
your society is NOT civilized.

4.Therefore,
to at least allow for the false appearance of development, you should do away
with all pamphlets, megaphones, and personnel in charge of publicizing the current lack
of civilization in your area.

After cautiously padding through the bloody runoff akin to
the aftermath of a Mayan sacrificial ceremony, I advise developing societies
that…

5.There
should be mandatory distance put between the slaughtering grounds of all
live-poultry markets and pedestrian walkways.

Possibly the most simple and dramatic change in your society
can be made by accepting the fact that any driver who sustains a honked horn
for more than 5-seconds is clearly unaware of what a horn was actually invented for.

6.Therefore,
cars should be rigged with sensors that force-eject drivers after 5-seconds of
a honked horn.

Lastly, there is a fine line between breathing in polluted
air and breathing in aired pollution. To mitigate one person’s harmful effect
on the air other people breath, an equilibrium should be maintained between the
air pollution from cars and from cigarettes.

7.Therefore,
the “drive to survive” program will give citizens the choice to own a car OR smoke cigarettes.

With these 7 steps, your society will instantly develop to
the point where you can then implement the much more complicated, “waiting in
line” policy, where people will… well I don’t want to spoil it… but I’ll just
say that it works wonders.