Tag Archive | "panda"

Posted on 05 April 2017

Highly religious Singaporeans from that particular walk of life, who like to tell other people what to do, are up in arms.

This after they read that the Singapore Zoo are making two pandas, Kai Kai and Jia Jia, mate again for the third time.

Worse, the pandas mating occurs as the zookeepers watch the action live for a few days and post-coitus artificial insemination of Jia Jia will be attempted.

One highly religious Singaporean, Qu Jiao Tang, said she is aghast: “This is not how nuclear families function in the eyes of God.”

“We cannot let our morals slide like this. One day it is humans watching animals do it, the next day it will be humans wanting to do it with animals in the safety of an enclosure.”

“How low can we go and what’s stopping this from happening?”

“Before we know it, those sick people will want to BTO with zoo animals.”

Other highly religious Singaporeans said they have since started their own investigations and discovered that all species of animals are failing to show the proper traditional family unit of one father, one mother and two children via natural means.

Therefore, the Singapore Zoo is complicit in promoting immoral behaviour and activities, and is a bad example for families here in Singapore and deserves to be shut down.

Worse, the zookeepers watched the action live for a few days as it unfolded and even assisted in the post-coitus artificial insemination of Jia Jia.

One highly religious Singaporean, Qu Jiao Tang, said she is aghast: “This is not how nuclear families function in the eyes of God.”

“We cannot let our morals slide like this. One day it is humans watching animals do it, the next day it will be humans wanting to do it with animals in the safety of an enclosure.”

“How low can we go and what’s stopping this from happening?”

“Before we know it, those sick people will want to BTO with zoo animals.”

Other highly religious Singaporeans said they have since started their own investigations and discovered that all species of animals are failing to show the proper traditional family unit of one father, one mother and two children.

Therefore, the Singapore Zoo is complicit in promoting immoral behaviour and activities, and is a bad example for families here in Singapore and deserves to be shut down.

Posted on 25 March 2016

Highly religious Singaporeans from that particular walk of life, who like to tell other people what to do, are up in arms.

This after the highly religious Singaporeans read that the Singapore Zoo is getting its two pandas, Kai Kai and Jia Jia, to mate this coming weeks and are even preparing the male panda by making it do “sexercise” in anticipation.

Worse, the zookeepers are planning on watching the action live as it unfolds and even assisting post-coitus if necessary.

One highly religious Singaporean, Qu Jiao Tang, said she is aghast: “This is not how nuclear families function in the eyes of God.”

“We cannot let our morals slide like this. One day it is humans watching animals do it, the next day it will be humans wanting to do it with animals in the safety of an enclosure.”

“How low can we go and what’s stopping this from happening?”

“Before we know it, those sick people will want to BTO with zoo animals.”

Other highly religious Singaporeans said they have since started their own investigations and discovered that all species of animals are failing to show the proper traditional family unit of one father, one mother and two children.

Therefore, the Singapore Zoo is complicit in promoting immoral behaviour and activities, and is a bad example for families here in Singapore and deserves to be shut down.

Posted on 23 September 2015

Highly conservative Singaporeans who followed the news closely about two panda bears having sex in the Singapore Zoo in April 2015 were aghast to learn that the male panda Kai Kai had failed to fully consummate the union by not finishing inside of the female panda, Jia Jia.

This resulted in speculation that he could be gay and the zoo doctors had to carry out an operation to artificially finish inside the female panda instead.

Now it has been revealed that the female panda is not pregnant after all these months.

One conservative religious Singaporean, Xing Ye Shu, said: “I am disturbed by the fact that we allow such things to happen in Singapore. A failure to finish inside a female is a sure sign of homosexuality because a reluctance to procreate is an immediate failure of heterosexuality.”

“I demand that the Singapore Zoo investigate if there are any more homosexual animals in their midst and flush them out.”

Another conservative religious Singaporean, Tong Xing Lian, said the pandas’ endangered species status is brought about by their own doing: “Homosexuality must have been rampant in the panda species. That’s why their reproductive rate is so low and their eventual decline is their own fault.”

“If they stopped being so gay they would reproduce more.”

At press time, conservative religious Singaporeans who have started their own investigations said that all species of animals are failing to show the proper traditional family unit of one father, one mother and two children, therefore, the Singapore Zoo is complicit in promoting immoral behaviour and activities, besides homosexuality, and is a bad example for families here.

Posted on 21 April 2015

They demand the Singapore Zoo launch investigations to check if male panda is a deviant.

Conservative religious Singaporeans who followed the news closely about two panda bears having sex in the Singapore Zoo were aghast to learn that the male panda Kai Kai had failed to fully consummate the union by not finishing inside of the female panda, Jia Jia.

This resulted in speculation that he could be gay and the zoo doctors had to carry out an operation to artificially finish inside the female panda instead.

One conservative religious Singaporean, Xing Ye Shu, said: “I am disturbed by the fact that we allow such things to happen in Singapore. A failure to finish inside a female is a sure sign of homosexuality because a reluctance to procreate is an immediate failure of heterosexuality.”

“I demand that the Singapore Zoo investigate if there are any more homosexual animals in their midst and flush them out.”

Another conservative religious Singaporean, Tong Xing Lian, said the pandas’ endangered species status is brought about by their own doing: “Homosexuality must have been rampant in the panda species. That’s why their reproductive rate is so low and their eventual decline is their own fault.”

“If they stopped being so gay they would reproduce more.”

At press time, conservative religious Singaporeans who have started their own investigations said that all species of animals are failing to show the proper traditional family unit of one father, one mother and two children, therefore, the Singapore Zoo is complicit in promoting immoral behaviour and activities, besides homosexuality, and is a bad example for families here.

Posted on 05 December 2012

Veteran anti-shark fighter Wen Wen is rumoured to have been assassinated by shark sympathisers en-route to Singapore.

Terrified of animal activists that bayed for revenge when pinoy dolphin Wen Wen died en-route to Singapore, Resorts World Sentosa will replace its dolphins with swimming pandas starting next year.

“The pro-dolphin agenda has taken over the animal activist community in Singapore,” said RWS spokesperson Diao Yu Tang. “Anything that involves dolphins must now be treated with extra caution, so we’ve decided to take them off our exhibition list. But everyone loves pandas.”

RWS is currently facing a lawsuit in the Philippines over the death of Wen Wen, a war hero and veteran guerrilla fighter who survived a terrorist shark attack before dying unceremoniously on a plane en-route to Singapore.

Terribly sad dolphin lovers held a candlelight vigil for Wen Wen last weekend.

Pro-dolphin activists say that he is likely to have been poisoned by shark sympathisers.

“Dolphins are really just gay, psycho sharks,” said anti-dolphin campaigner Sha Yu. “Not only that, these so-called dolphins are serial killers, gang rapists and pedophiles who have no qualms about murdering their own infants for entertainment.”

Sha claims that the local LGBT community have been duped into supporting the dolphin cause.

“Don’t be fooled. The dolphins may be gay, but they’re anything but cute. The LGBT and animal activist community must stop sheltering these porpoise killers in the oceanariums,” he said.

In the meantime, RWS has already begun training pandas willing to swim, balance balls on their noses and jump through hoops. Recruitment notices have also been put up in Chengdu, China, for performing pandas.

Housing for these pandas will be provided by RWS. But some pandas are not happy.

“This wasn’t in my job scope. My agent told me that all I had to do was eat shoots and leaves.” said Bei Bei, who claims that he has been put up in unhygienic, squalid conditions far from what he was used to back home.

It is rumoured that unless RWS improves the pandas’ living conditions, they will go on strike.

Posted on 07 September 2012

A great number of Singaporeans apparently fainted when they heard the name “Kai Kai”.

Kai Kai and Jia Jia. Not Kai Kai and Dar Dar. Oh god no…

As pandamonium started erupting all over the mainstream media yesterday to announce that two giant pandas, Kai Kai and Jia Jia, had arrived in Singapore on a 10-year loan from China to mark two decades of close diplomatic relations, a lot of Singaporeans apparently did not take to the news too lightly or with any cheers.

And when it was announced officially that Kai Kai and Jia Jia were ready to be showcased to the world, a good majority of people actually fainted from fright.

However, it turns out that it was a case of mistaken identity.

This is because the names “Kai Kai and Jia Jia” sounds distressingly close to “Kai Kai and Dar Dar” — a pair of names belonging to the legendary Singaporean Internet couple.

For those not in the know, “Kai Kai and Dar Dar” used to own a blog in 2010 called “Dar Dar Love Kai Kai Infinitely Much Forever and ever…” that disturbingly featured “vignettes of Kailing suggestively providing oral service to the toes of, allegedly, Darren, her boyfriend of more than 2 years”, a description of the blog formulated by the astute blogger known as Sam.

[Warning: Clicking on this link will direct you to the famous montage of photos of Kai Kai and Dar Dar. If you suffer from a weak heart or poor pulse, it is advisable to contact your family doctor to seek medical clearance to deem yourself fit to view the pictures. And do contact your lawyer in case you need to make last arrangements. Just sayin’.]

Kai Kai and Dar Dar as an Internet couple gained so much notoriety to the extent that “to Kai Kai” someone has become synonymous with “sucking on someone else’s toes” in local parlance.

One of the Singaporeans who fainted but did not want to be named, said: “I don’t think it is funny at all that the two China pandas that appeared with so much hoo-ha should be named almost exactly similar to the Internet couple Kai Kai and Dar Dar.”

He continued: “The scenes of jubilant crowds welcoming the pandas and Minister of State for Trade and Industry Teo Ser Luck’s talk of this so-called “celebrity couple” did little to erase the bad memories of having Kai Kai and Dar Dar’s name pop back into my head. After six months of therapy.”

A petition is currently being put together by netizens to encourage the authorities to rename the pandas Scarlett Johansson and Mila Kunis.