Mountains’ new album in January will be a great lazy Christmas gift

What’s lazy Christmas, you ask? Lazy Christmas is when you give a friend or loved one a thoughtless gift after December 25. This year, I’m getting Mountains’ new album Centralia, which is released January 22 on Thrill Jockey, for my dad. Shh… don’t tell my dad! I assume I’ll receive an MP3 download of the minimalist electronic album, and I’ll just put the little coupon code into a card I got from The Dollar Tree. My dad is more of Pantera type, but I believe even he will enjoy the modular soundscapes created by duo Koen Holtkamp and Brendon Anderegg. I can’t wait for my dad to groove to these tunes. It will be a lazy Christmas miracle!

If you’re like me, it’s probably difficult to remember anything that happened to you prior to, say, last Thursday or so, or something that didn’t happen in simultaneity with your consumption of a McDonald’s CBO sandwich. (By the way, is your left arm all tingly too? It’s making it kind of difficult to type.) Well, in that case, you’d better pull out a couple of those bad boys right now, because I have a couple of delicious beefy news patties to lay on you that you’re probably going to want to remember come 2013.

I’ll start by reminding you about how Morrissey announced late last month that he had to postpone his entire US tour in order to be with his mother in the hospital. Okay, still with me? How’s that ooey, gooey lava pool of ultrapasteurized processed cheese product? Good. Now then, it seems that the man is being true to his word, as the Morrissey fansite True to You has revealed not only a juicy list of steam-grilled make-up dates, but also the addition of a whole pound of caramelized new dates! Oh the hickory-smoked news-iness of it all! I don’t know about you, but I just want to sop it up with a sesame seed-studded bread pillow. The new dates start in January, and I swear I’ll post them just as soon as my vision clears up.

The Walkmen’s Hamilton Leithauser walked into his front yard. It was 2 PM, he had just woken up. Late for some folks, but that didn’t matter to Hamilton; The Walkmen weren’t going on tour for months. This was his vacation and he was going to enjoy it.

Clad in boxers, a Jonathan Fire*Eater t-shirt, and a plaid robe, Leithauser walked to his mailbox. He wasn’t expecting anything, but he hoped for something interesting. Inside, there sat a single, thin letter. Hamilton removed it from the box and looked at it with curiosity. No return address. “What could this be,” he thought, as he tore open the envelope. His eyes widened as he stared at the handwritten letter in his hands.

“Dear The Walkmen, I am your real father. My name is Father John Misty. Isn’t it strange that my name is Father and I’m your father? That is very strange. Anyhoo, we should go on tour together, guys! Toodle-loo!”

John Napier of the early 1990s alternative band Ethyl Meatplow has died, according to his former bandmate Carla Bozulich. “It was drugs that got John,” Bozulich wrote.

In addition to a handful of singles, Ethyl Meatplow only released one full-length album: Happy Days, Sweetheart in 1993. The band gained notoriety for their sexually explicit lyrics and nudity-filled live shows. While he was in the band, Napier was often referred to as “Wee Wee”.

After Ethyl Meatplow, Napier started the label Basura! and headed another band, Buccinator. According to Bozulich, he received degrees in social work.

Saxamaphoooooone. Saxamaphooooooooooone. The immortal words of Homer J. Simpson (circa 1995) have been echoing in my mind for the last couple hours, and it’s not just because I’ve spent an absurd amount of time watching classic Simpsons lately. No, but seriously, why hasn’t the show been cancelled yet? Given the genius on display during its former years, the newer seasons (whose horribleness I’m convinced of, despite my relative unfamiliarity) only serve to tarnish its reputation. Attention: narcissistic show writers, as well as the network heads at Fox — put the damn show out of its misery already!

Back to saxamaphones. Last Friday, saxophonists Colin Stetson (of Arcade Fire and New History Warfare Vol. 2: Judges fame) and Mats Gustafsson (The Thing, Fire!) released Stones, courtesy of Rune Grammofon in Europe. The album’s four tracks were recorded live at the 2011 Vancouver Jazz Festival, during which Stetson and Gustafsson (figuratively) fused their powerful lungs and improvisational minds for a performance that was, reportedly, wholly synergistic. As Gustafsson recalled, “It was completely magic. All was there, the communication, the interaction, the music, the mystery…” Bands can claim a unique degree of musical cohesion all they want, but when two talented saxophonists do the same, I’d say that’s particularly noteworthy. Expectations prior to listening: high.

Stones is out now in Europe and is slated for North American release on January 8, 2013.

Stones tracklisting:

01. Stones That Rest Heavily
02. Stones That Can Only Be
03. Stones That Need Not
04. Stones That Only Have