1. Nope. That's really what I need and long for I can't cry at all. I haven't had touch in like 8 years. For the past 5-6 months I've been sleeping with my favorite doll. The only comfort I've known since early 2004 when I'd sleep with a booty buddy. I'm fighting urges right now to go and find a bunch of casual sex partners. Already starting looking. lol

2. Read them and that's nice, but I long for physical touch. Bible was used as a weapon against me anyway so, honestly, I can't deal with it much. So, no help there. I have to be careful or I use it as a sledgehammer for self-hate. It sucks my sperm donor has ruined it for me. I'm looking for other versions. King James I won't read.

3. It would be nice if he sent one to help me fix the mess the two pedos and my sperm donor (and to an extent my mother) caused me. People on here have been awesome at times. But, I really need someone in the flesh. I looked for CSA support groups local and found nothing for men at all. I wish my sperm donor had been a drunk. None in my family (or extended) were. I haven't even known any drunks. I've known of some addicts. No emotions anonymous group I could find.

Also, how does God love you? I still have yet to figure out why he wants anything to do with me since I'm just a broken person emotionally and cold emotionally and he's not gonna get much in return. I need touch someone. Life sucks so bad. All I do is hurt.

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

Wow brother great topic. I want to respond but I want to do so when I am more alert than I am now. I want to pray about it also. I want to say so much. These is a great topic and questions. It will take me a while but I will reply friend. You are not alone and just asking this has made my night. Thank you brother an know that I and we do care for you as does God. Don't feel so down on urself or bad for not having answers or certain questions.

_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

I am just going to randomly repond and I hope that is ok...First and foremost let me say that God doesnt want the rest of what someone has to offer, He wants the best. He wants full custody and not just a weekend visit. Before He will send< well in my case, your way He wants you to surrender your all to Him. Then and only then will His blessing be given to you. This is all just my case scenario... When I surrendered all to Him then He took all the bad from my life such as drinking and cussing and porn and sex addiction and gambling and it was gone right then.. I feel Him comfort me when I am sad. I feel Him correct me when I am wrong or going down the wrong path.... As far as a physical touch it is hard to sasy, I feel Him touching me way more than physically. It is more inmtimate than that..The bible, I neber really understood it before I was saved and sometimes still struggle. I see the stories un fold in it and I see Gods mercy and I feel the truth in it.. I look and the context of the scripture also like what was the situation when the word was written..Since I have been saved I see the bibke alot clearer now.. I see some everyday situation and it lets the know the bible is still alive today and unfolding..This part may be hard and triggering so read with caution and please dont get mad and known that I am not judging you

We are to forgive our perps in order to be forgiven..Hard I know but if I did it then it is possible.. We are also suppose to honor our parents..also honor authority.. Again I know this will be hard for you but it is a commandment..

as far as sending someONE to comfort us...I think He has done that thru the Holy Spirit..He is my comforter.. Without Him I am walking in the dark.. If we want to be blessed by God then we must read the bible and try to obey Him.. I always thought that God dont want me..He has enough people..WOW was I wrong brother.. I thought I had to quit drinking and live right to be saved...WRONG...I asked God to save me and He took all that bad out of my life..

This may be a little triggering also but I got to say it to you as God has laid on my heart.... Church or religion will neber save you..God will... Church is the people that make up a building where they worship..Church is the people..Without the people it is just an empty building... They are all sinners too.. They will have faults but they are, well most of them, trying to get better...

as far as bibles go.. That is the air for christians to breath..There are many versions..I read from 2 or 3 differnt ones..I like the NIV and the Message, but I usualyy refer back to the King James Version.. They are all just modern texts off of it but they are easier to relaste to.

Dont worry if this seems complicated.. That is why God is with you..He will help you..If going to a place of worship is tto tough then do this for me..Tune into my church service Sunday.. You can worship with me..WWW.ChurchoftheHighlands.com.. Find the live stream and I go to the 11:30 central service.. We have great music and an awesome Pastor.. Please ..Just give it a shot..We have a membership of over 30k for a reason and that is because God is moving.. My Pastor can help you wayyy morer than I can.. If you promise to listen I will ask Him to give you a special shout out to Phoenix at my service..We have 3 services so all the members can go.. 8,9:30 amd 11:30 all central and again I go to ther 11:30m service.. I hope this helpoed asnd didnt enrage you as that was not my goal..I hope and pray that you can get to know God and have a personal relationship with him.. Our services also include 3 prisons where they are simulcast out to every Sunday.. God bless you brother,,

_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

Thanks for responding. I am saved and I know in whom I have believed. That night two weekends ago, God knew all my problems and how damaged I am and he let me know he'll take it slow. It drove me near insane the last time and we talked about that. Saved, I am. Really screwed up I am, too. I told him, "Other Christians could talk my ear off with their problems, but where was my help? Other people get help, so where is my help?" We humans are social creatures and I've been totally alone and isolated my whole life. He knows that has to change. As far as the sin you mentioned, as he fixes me that'll go away he let me know and not to worry, his grace is sufficient. I ask forgiveness once a day. I talk to God a lot more than you think. I go to the Catholic church because the fire and brimstone churches give me tons of problems. I find peace sometimes at the Catholic church. I find none at the full gospel, Baptist, Church of God, etc., etc.

God's fixed a few things. I'm getting rid of the actual thoughts in my head that always tell me what a loser, failure, sinner, etc. I am. That voice (which I thought was God's by the way) IS MY SPERM DONOR'S. It is a totally judgmental voice. I'v lived with it for decades. And, when God came along the first time, it made it way worse and it was just judgment all the time no matter what I did. If I feel good, it made me feel bad. When I was a kid, my dad hated to see me happy and he'd yell or hit me so I wouldn't feel good about myself. I've suffered a lot of abuse in churches, too. Not going into all of it, but when my parents forced me to go and my dad would yell and slap me in the face and stuff at these churches, nobody did a thing to help me is just one example. Come to our church and treat your kids like shit, fuck 'em, slap them in the face, yell and curse them, they need to keep their trap shut. Sorry, I'm tired, I'm a kid, I have to pee. SHUT UP! WAIT TILL WE GET HOME, YOU'RE GOING TO HELL! My mother, Ms. perfect, sat by and didn't do a fucking thing most of the time. I sent her that email and I think she realizes how badly she's failed her kids. She just doesn't want to admit it. Hope she does cause once I leave this area for a job or college, if she hasn't, we're through. She's got her favorite--my brother--anyway. I do think she hates me at times because she can't admit what she's done.

I have few emotions, feelings. It's either feel good (Bipolar high) or feel bad or feel nothing. I prefer the high or the nothing. I still have the deep hole to fill. God made us social creatures to need people in our lives. My sperm donor kept me from friends on purpose as a kid. That hole, God made me realize, is lack of friendships and a wife. I have no concept of intimacy because I never had it with my mom or brother thanks to the rapists of mine at 3.5 years old.

I'm a deeply hurting soul that wishes often I was never born (and recently wished I was dead a lot--December through like May). I don't need a bunch of you sin too much, you cuss too much, judgment to reinforce self-hate and the voice of my sperm donor. I need love, caring, and someone to give a fuck in the flesh, the here and now.

Thank you for the church offer, but I think I'll stick with local for now. I need to be around people in the flesh. Peace. Love, Phoenix, well, Rachel, you should know my name. xoxo

Edited by phoenix321 (10/26/1206:17 AM)Edit Reason: correction

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

the best and most frequent comfort i get is right here on the MS forums - not just the spirituality one - but all of em.

sometimes it is a phrase i read in a book or hear in a song.

other times it is a flash of beauty in nature or a photo or painting.

occasionally there is a Bible verse or passage that seems like it was written just for me - at that moment.

and i guess all of these things could be rationalized away or called a coincidence - that they just happened to be there when i needed something encouraging. but i like to think it was God and that it was intentional on His part - and that he meant it just for me. BTW - this is pretty recent - for most of my life i have felt that i was disqualified and not on God's list of acceptable people.

Lee

_________________________
"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

the best and most frequent comfort i get is right here on the MS forums - not just the spirituality one - but all of em.

sometimes it is a phrase i read in a book or hear in a song.

other times it is a flash of beauty in nature or a photo or painting.

occasionally there is a Bible verse or passage that seems like it was written just for me - at that moment.

and i guess all of these things could be rationalized away or called a coincidence - that they just happened to be there when i needed something encouraging. but i like to think it was God and that it was intentional on His part - and that he meant it just for me. BTW - this is pretty recent - for most of my life i have felt that i was disqualified and not on God's list of acceptable people.

Lee

Thanks, Lee.

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

I
agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and
chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole
discretion of MaleSurvivor. I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor
resources are AT-WILL,
and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for
any reason by MaleSurvivor.