Monday, December 31, 2007

Well, today was not the way I thought 2007 would end. And I thought things couldn't get any worse? I was wrong.

I spent 4 hours at the dentist today and still have a bunch of work that needs to be done, including a root canal. My mouth is so sore tonight and I think it's because it took 7 shots to get my mouth numb enough for them to work on it.

While at the dentist office my phone rang probably 10 times. There were calls from my boss, my techs and Laura. My boss was calling because one of our vans was stolen over the weekend and we are trying to figure out who drove it last. Some of my techs were calling because they weren't sure what tomorrow's schedule is.

Then there were the calls from Laura. I am still trying to process what she said to me in her 4 voice mails, but let's just say they were not the most pleasant. In fact, I think only my parents have said things that were as hateful and cruel as what Laura said to me. Before Laura left those messages I told her that I never wanted to speak to her again. She has screwed me again and this time it will cost me almost everything I have. I won't put all the blame on her, but a good portion is her fault. I don't know how she sleeps at night.

So in less then 7 hours a new year will be here. I wish I could say I was excited about it, but right now it just looks like a new year with the same old stuff. Maybe a miracle will happen and I will wake up tomorrow and everything will be OK.

Well, I have had Rusty for 5 days now and it looks like he may be staying here for a couple more days. Turns out Rusty's Dad (who I work with) got sick the first night Rusty was here and they ended up not leaving town until Friday. I really don't mind Rusty staying longer. He is doing so much better this time. He knows that when he comes in from outside that he needs to wait until I get the leash on. I tried letting him be in the house with no leash, but he is still chasing the cats. The first few nights Rusty did really good in the kennel. Then Friday night he cried for most of the night. Turns out Sophie was laying with her nose right next to the kennel door. Rusty has some chew toys that Sophie really wanted. I am sure Sophie just staring at him was making him really uncomfortable. Here are some pics from this week.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Well, so much for my vacation. My new weekend supervisor was admitted to the hospital for pneumonia and I have to go in for a couple hours tonight. I hate that she is so sick, but I also hate the fact that I have to go in tonight. **Update** I called one of my overnight techs and sheis going to work this evening instead of overnight. Whew...my vacation has been saved.

About an hour ago R sent me a txt message wishing me a merry Christmas. She then asked if she could call me. I really didn't want to talk to her, but I was curious as to what she wanted to say to me. It was the same crap as before saying she was sorry...blah, blah, blah. Then in the middle of the conversation she asked if she could call me back. I am so proud of myself because I told her no she could not call me again. I told her that I deserved to be treated better and that I was not going to put up with anymore of her drama. She was upset and hung up on me.

Just this morning I was wondering what kind of progress I have made this year in regards to how I feel about myself. For ten months I have been needing to realize that it's better to be single then to be with someone that treats me badly. For the first time in ten months I am single and not at all lonely.

Friday, December 28, 2007

I have never known a time when I have needed a vacation like I do right now. I have had days off here and there, but it was usually because I was moving. So, this is my first true vacation all year. And the great thing is, I don't have anything planned. I have a gift certificate to my favorite Mexican restaurant and I think that will be the perfect New Years Eve dinner.

This morning I met with my weekend tech supervisor. She has worked a couple weekends now and I was just following up with how things are going. She gave me a whole list of complaints the techs had. My favorite complaint was that they didn't get a Christmas card from me. It doesn't matter that I spent 3 hours last weekend making homemade sugar cookies with frosting and sprinkles, they just really wanted a card from me. So, since my boss did not give me a Christmas card maybe I should go to the President of our agency and say something. Yea, I bet that would go over well.

I then had my managers meeting. I used to hate meetings (well, some I still hate), but I love my managers meeting every Friday. Today we spent 45 minutes taking care of business and then the last hour we talked about all the crazy fads we have survived. Next week our project for the meeting is finding the most embarrassing picture from when we were teenagers. I think the one that I am going to use is the one where I am wearing my stirrup pants, long sweater and Converse shoes. Oh, and really puffy hair.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

I tried really hard last night to get out of my funk and I think it worked. This morning when I woke up I was hoping that it would be quiet and calm at work. Several of my techs helped it to be a crazy day. Sometimes I feel like it's a constant battle and some days it's hard to see that it will get any better. I have a four day weekend coming up and I think I might just turn my phone off completely. My plan for these 4 days is very simple: n.o.t.h.i.n.g. I can't wait.

Thank you for the kind words from my previous post. I have several people in my life that are having a hard time letting go of people that are not good for them. I just wish I could find my magic wand to help take away their pain. As much as I would love to take away their pain, I know there is very little I can do. So, I will continue to be their friend and be there when they need to talk.

God certainly heard my prayers when I wished for a snowy winter. It pretty much has been snowing off and on for a week now. I love every minute of it. We are suppose to get about 5 inches tonight and tomorrow. My co-workers are mad at me since I have been wishing for snow since August. Hey, if God only answers my prayer of snow then I will be very happy.

A year ago this month I wrote my 500th post. It took me over a year to write those 500 posts. Well, I am 16 posts away from my 1,000th. I can't believe that in a year I have written 500 posts. I guess a really bad break-up, financial ruin, another kind of nasty break-up (MG and the whole police thing), getting a new job, having to find a new home for one pet, putting another beloved pet to sleep, making my blog private, then public, then changing my blogging identity all together and the craziness of dating is great for blogging. So, be sure to check back in the next week or so for that special post.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Last night I had my best friend come over to the house and we exchanged gifts. She made me this spinach casserole that my Mom used to always make. I was so touched that she would make this for me, but she has no idea how much the gift really means to me. Even though my family never really celebrated Christmas, we always got together on this day. So, having my Mom's spinach casserole to enjoy today helps me remember all the good times I had with my family. We spent rest of the evening just laughing and enjoying each others company. It was so nice not spending Christmas Eve by myself; although I really think if I was by myself it would have been OK too.

When I woke up this morning I was feeling sorry for myself. Here it was Christmas morning and I had no tree, no one here with me and no presents to open. I know Christmas it not about the gifts we receive, but they are nice when you have them. I tried to pull myself out of my funk while I was getting ready to join L and her family for brunch. It was about a 30 minute drive and I cried most of the way. When I got close to the house I told myself that it was all OK and I worked hard at changing my attitude.

As I pulled up to L's parents house she was standing in the drive-way waving to me. As we walked in the house her entire family came to the door to welcome me. I got more hugs then I have received in the last month combined. The best hug? Yea, that would be L's one year old nephew. What a cutie he is. I could have easily taken him home with me. I never walked into a home where I didn't know most of the people and feel so welcomed and loved. As I mentioned before, L's Dad was my history teacher in high school. I think at first he wasn't too sure what to say to me, but once he had his second Mimosa (orange juice & Vodka) he was more relaxed. Brunch was delicious and I loved how they included me in all the conversations. Usually it's hard to make conversation with people I don't know, but it seemed very easy today.

After brunch we moved to the living room for them to open presents. I debated about leaving, but they insisted that I stay. As they handed out the presents I was surprised to see a present in front of me. Yes, they even included me in the gift giving. I feel bad because I was not expecting this and I did not bring anything.

The kindness I felt today was exactly what I needed. Christmas is not about the material things we receive, but it's about the people we spend that day with.

When I got home I received a call from my best friend who just wanted to wish me a Merry Christmas and to remind me that I am so loved. That phone call was the perfect way to end this day.

Now Sophie and I are hosting Rusty for a couple days. I picked him up on the way home and when I brought him in the house, I think Sophie thought she had got a puppy for Christmas. It really was cute.

I hope each of you had a wonderful day and in case you haven't been told today:

Monday, December 24, 2007

Here is a song for those that are ready for Christmas to be over. I personally am kind of sad that when I go back to work on Wednesday there will be no more Christmas songs on the radio. The world doesn't seem so scary when there is x-mas music in the background.

I hope each of you have a very Merry Christmas and I hope Santa brings you exactly what you have been wanting.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

This morning I watched something on TV that I really (!!!!!) needed to hear. As it always seems to happen, God sends me exactly what I need at the moment.

A few months ago I spoke about watching a Joel Osteen sermon on TV. I woke up this morning and turned the TV on and it came on to the channel his show was on. In those few seconds before I changed the channel something caught my attention. He was talking about Divine Connections. As I sat and listened for the next 30 minutes I realized that God needed me to hear this sermon this morning.

The last few weeks I have been thinking that I am never going to find that someone special. I go back and forth between feeling like damaged goods to I must have done something wrong in my past that is preventing me from meeting someone special. As much as I tried to understand (and accept) what happened between me and Laura, it just didn't make sense. The more it didn't make sense the more frustrated I would get. And the more frustrated I got the more I just wanted to give up.

But this morning I have more understanding.

One of the things that really hit my heart this morning was when Joel said, "What looks likedisappointment is God just preparing you for what is ahead". I know I have heard this before, but it made more sense this morning. Several of you have told me that I need to look at this time of being single as God is just preparing her for me. What you guys have been telling me for months and then Joel's sermon this morning all make sense now.

The other thing in the sermon was how everything is beautiful in it's time. For the last 9 months I have been trying to figure out how what I thought was great with Laura could turn out to be something completely different. I realized this morning that in March it was time for Laura to no longer be part of my life. From some of the things that she has done in the last nine months I am now seeing why she is no longer in my life. I try to live my life with kindness and love. I have seen in this past year that Laura does not live her life that way. She lives her life with the sense that she needs to get (or take) something from everyone she meets. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone that leaves a path of destruction in the lives of everyone they meet. And I am thankful that God could see that even if I couldn't.

I am putting my trust in God that when the time is right that person that is meant for me will come into my life. I need to learn to be more patient and to trust God more. I have a tendency to trust God, but when things aren't going as I think they should, I grab back that control. In the end, it never works out when I try to take control back.

I think of all the people that are in my closer inner circle and know that each of them are a divine connection. And there was a reason they were brought into my life.

As long as I trust God and try not to rush His plans, then one day as I have her sitting next to me, all of the tears, anger and sadness of 2007 will make sense.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

About five minutes after I feel asleep last night I got a call from work. I ended up going in at 11:15 and worked until about 1am. We had a new client admitted that is in a wheelchair and the techs were having problems with his medication and oh yea, he got stuck in the bathtub. Never a dull moment at my job.

At our managers meeting yesterday, M gave us all a popcorn bowl (which was filled with a ton of candy) and 2 personalized mugs. It really was a cool gift. We each got a mug with our name on it and then one with our spouses name. Since I am not with anyone she said that when I meet someone she will put their name on it. I will know that I have met that someone special when I give them that mug.

Today is the perfect first day of winter. We are getting snow and it's suppose to snow all day with blizzard like conditions. Sophie keeps asking to go outside and then within a few minutes she is wanting back in. I am so happy that there is someone else that loves the snow as much as I do.

One of my favorite co-workers has invited me to her house for Christmas brunch. L is over the Women's Unit and we work closely together with client issues and tech issues. Her office is right down the hall from mine and we always go outside to smoke together. L has a Great Dane named Hank and it's nice to know someone that loves their dog as much as I love Sophie. When I first started she had just changed her name after getting married. I saw something with her maiden name on it and I remembered having a history teacher in high school with this name. I asked her if that was her Dad and she said it was. We always joke about her Dad being one of my teachers. So, I will go with L and her husband to her parents house for brunch. It's going to be interesting attending Christmas brunch with one of my teachers.

I continue to be blessed with good friend and co-workers.

Tomorrow I will share another story about why I have the best co-workers.

Friday, December 21, 2007

I've been doing a lot of thinking about what I share with others; both on this blog as well to those that I meet IRL.

I have not shared on my blog exactly what I did this past spring. Part of me wants to just get it out there so I don't feel so much shame. Somehow holding it inside makes me feel that I am ashamed of what happened. I would never say that I am ashamed, but I would say that I am embarrassed by the whole situation.

My gut is telling me that sharing what happened with R had something to do with her suddenly changing her mind about me. I wanted to scream to her that this is who I am and if you can't accept my past then you are not worth my time. But then there was a part of me that wanted to cry because I was faced with the reality that maybe this secret I hold inside is something I should be ashamed about and to never share it with anyone.

Growing up I was always told that I should not share too much about myself with people. But something inside me is screaming and I feel that I need to share my secret with the world so I don't have to carry the burden by myself. Part of me feels like I want to get this secret out so that I can leave it behind in 2007.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

I have a really good friend that is going through a really tough time in her life right now. What is hurting me so much is the fact that I feel responsible for some of her pain. No, I don't just feel responsible, I am responsible for some of her pain.

My friend and I have had a very interesting week. We have talked more in the last week then we have in the last month and I know she completely disagrees with how I am feeling, but still I am feeling pretty bad. This past week has been one I will never forget. It has been filled with lots of emotions and somehow I feel closer to my friend then I ever have. She has opened up to me more in the last week then she has in the eight years I have known her. As bad as I have been feeling, it does feel good getting to know my friend on a totally different level.

Some very important decisions need to be made by my friend in the next few weeks. I have been exactly where she is and I know the next few months will probably be the hardest of her life. But I have faith in her and know that as long as she loves herself more then anyone else; it will all work out.

Tonight when we were talking on the phone I reminded her of a quote I heard over the summer:

When I was laid off last January I continued to pay for my dental insurance because I knew I had a couple more things that needed done. At the end of February (with no warning) my old job changed dental companies and I was dropped. At the time I thought it was completely unfair and I should have had some warning. I didn't have time to deal with it because of the break-up. My current insurance went into affect in September and I knew that I needed to get in to the dentist to have things checked out. But I kept delaying and I am not sure why.

A few weeks ago one of my teeth started becoming sensitive to cold. It is now at the point where I can't stand to brush my teeth because of the pain. So, finally today I called the dentist and have an appointment on the 31st. I was hoping to get in before that because I have $1000 sitting there that needs to be used before the 31st. Well, maybe they can do a quick filling that day if I need one.

I am not going to the same dentist as I did before because he is not on my new insurance. A couple of my co-workers go to this dentist and I guess he is really nice and the office staff is really nice and willing to work with you if you need a lot of work done. My last dentist made me pay my part when I was there and would not accept payments even though I was in there every 2 weeks for what seemed like a year. When Laura and I did our taxes last year we figured that we had paid out over $4000 during 2006 for my dental work. I have no idea how people do it that don't have insurance. I am not sure how we did it with insurance.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

I have been so busy the last couple of days. I think I have only had time to read a few blogs and really feel disconnected from my blogger friends. I am busy at work training my new night/weekend tech supervisor and having someone with you during the entire work day is draining. I love the woman I hired and I know we are going to be a great team and soon we will have an awesome tech team. She has come with some great ideas and I can't wait to put them into place. Last week I was feeling completely overwhelmed and this week I feel recharged.

With 2007 almost over I have been doing a lot of thinking about this year. The last two years I have picked one picture for each month and talked about what I did during the month. I have debated about doing that this year, but not too sure I want to do that. Why look back and remember all the struggles and pain I was in? There are a couple pictures of myself from March and April. I literally want to cry when I see those pictures. Here is a picture I took on March 22.

I remember doing a post about "Finding my smile". Now that almost 9 months have passed I look at this picture completely differently. I see someone that is just wanting to be loved. I see someone whose world has been blown apart. I see someone that was willing to sacrifice her own happiness for someone that did not deserve it. I see someone that has so much to give and a heart about as big as the world itself. I see a person that thinks no one will ever love her again and I see someone that thinks she is damaged goods.

This past year I came very close to not making it. I don't think any of you (well a few know) realize how close I came to ending my life. I let someone that did not deserve any of my love or kindness almost take my soul. For months and months I felt that because Laura did not love me I was not worthy of love from anyone.

Tonight I was told by a good friend that she would not be who she is if it weren't for me this past year. She told me that by watching me go through all I went through and the way I handled it made her realize she could handle what is now being thrown her way. She said she would sometimes wonder how I could still be so kind and loving when I was in so much pain and having so much crap thrown at me. I sometimes wonder how I have not become a jaded and very angry person after all the crap I have been through.

In April I asked my friend why she was doing all she was for me with no hesitation. She first told me that she felt she was there to save me. My first thought was, "no, you can't do that..I can only save myself". Tonight my friend shared with me that she thought she was sent to save me, but in reality I saved her this year. It's funny how things work out, isn't it.

I guess this just shows that the strength I have had this year is not my own. I could have never made it through this year without the strength I received from all of you.

I have so many people to thank for this past year that I feel this could turn into one of those Oscar acceptance speeches that goes on and on until you finally hear the music indicating a commercial. So, just know that each comment, email, surprise package, phone call and TXT message is what saved me this year. I know that when that special person comes into my life, the two of us will be thanking each of you.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Today when I got home there was a package at my door. My wonderful friend Amy came over today and left me homemade cookies and a CD. I am so touched by the love and kindness I have felt in the last month that I really don't know what to say. Today I have this overwhelming feeling of love and this love is coming from so many different places. It is because of each of you that I am feeling so blessed. <3

Sunday, December 16, 2007

When I was growing up my Dads parents lived in a small town in Northern Minnesota. Their house was right on a small lake and I used to love to go swimming in this lake. One of the things that I was fascinated with was the Lilly pads. They kind of creeped me out as well because I could feel the vines (??) as I would swim in between them. I loved everything about my Grandparents house in Minnesota. I loved the way it smelled, the way it was cold in the winter unless you were right by the fireplace and I loved the lake they lived on. I still remember how excited I was the one year we drove there and I woke up as we were pulling into their driveway. Keep in mind their driveway was about 1/2 mile long. As we pulled in and I woke up, I asked my parents how much longer. They joked with me and said we still had a few more hours. As I looked around I realized that we were just a few feet from their house. I remember running into the house when we pulled up and it being really late. My parents told me to be quiet and not to wake my Grandmother. But I couldn't wait to see her and I went running into her room. As any good Grandmother would do, my Grandma was thrilled to see me even though it was the middle of the night and I woke her up. I think I even slept in her room that night.

I was reminded of not only the Lilly pads on the lake, but of pulling up to their house in the middle of the night tonight while talking to my very good friend. It's amazing how one small thing someone says to you can bring back so many memories. I don't think I had really thought about those Lilly pads in years until tonight.

This has not been the best weekend. I continue to struggle with my depression and know that something has to change and it's only up to me to make that change. I need to stop talking about it and actually do something. While I was talking with Lynilu tonight she helped me realize that while there is a lot going on and the hits just keep coming I need to hang on. I need to hang on to whatever I can because really if I give up, I am not the only one that will lose.

As I look around me I am searching for that next Lilly pad to jump onto. The one that I am currently on is old and it's only bringing me down. Here's the problem: I don't see any other Lilly pads ahead of me. I keep searching, but right now I can't see any.

But somehow I will continue to look. Who knows, it might be right in front of my eyes.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Last night the snow started to fall. The snow is helping with this funk I seem to be in. And the fact that so far all my techs have made it in could make this a good day. Last night they were saying 6-8 inches, but it looks like we may get just 4 inches. You have no idea how calming it is to watch the snow fall as I watch one of my favorite movies.

I like this picture because it looks like there are colored snowflakes. I wasn't the only one thrilled with the snow. When I got home I let Sophie out and she spent at least an hour out in the snow. Finally around midnight I made her come in because I was ready for bed. She is currently laying at the back door watching the snow. It's always fun to watch her when we get a lot of snow. She rolls in it and runs around the yard like there is gold falling from the sky.

I took this picture on Wednesday of the ice. Wednesday and Thursday were just beautiful with all the ice around. The city did an excellent job at keeping the streets clear, so driving never was an issue with this ice storm. I went out driving on Thursday and it was like I was trying to avoids bombs while driving. The ice was melting from the power lines and trees and huge chunks of ice were falling. One piece did hit my car and it scared the crap out of me. I thought for sure it had cracked my windshield, but thankfully it did no damage. I quickly made it home and didn't go out until the next morning.

I think I am trying to avoid the elephant in the room with all my rambling. Here's the thing and boy is this hard to admit to myself and others: I need help.

I have been trying for almost ten months to handle all this on my own. I have been trying to take care of things at work without asking for too much help and I have been avoiding talking about what is really going on in my personal life because I didn't know how to say that I can't do this on my own. I don't think this of other people, but I am afraid that asking for help is going to show some kind of weakness. I know it sounds silly for me to think that considering what I do for a living, but I guess I have really high expectations of myself. I have decided to talk to my boss on Monday and tell her that I need some help with all the things going on at work. As much as I would love to handle them on my own, I don't think I can right now. I need to accept that asking for help does not mean I am less capable.

I have a hard time accepting that others are nice to me just because. Yesterday at my counseling session my therapist did something out of kindness and it literally shocked me and I am still having a hard time accepting it. When this act of kindness was given to me, my response was, "Why are you being so nice to me?" Thinking back on that makes my heart very sad. It's sad that I think I don't deserve kindness from someone and that I have to even question it.

Then there are all of you. I get emails from people who I have never met, but who are concerned about me. I have people that I have never met that are helping me out with some of my money problems. Because I am not used to this kindness from others, it seems almost overwhelming. It's like I don't know how to accept this kindness and I don't know how to respond to it. I am working on accepting this kindness with no questions.

Looking at the world it is easy to become cynical. But when I look out at the world I still see so much good and kindness. It's almost like my blog is a mirror and I am seeing the reflection of so many people that care for me and are on my side.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Last night I got 9 hours of good sleep and boy did it feel good. But this morning I am still tired. I went into work for a couple hours this morning to take care of a few things. Part of that was going to my managers meeting. At the end of the meeting I about lost it. Two managers were complaining about my techs and I wanted to tell them, "I am doing the best I can and yes I am aware of some of the problems". But you know, I can't be everywhere all the time. I left about 30 minutes into the meeting because Time Warner is coming out to help with my DVR problems. As I was leaving I could tell I was about to cry.

Here's the problem: I can't stop crying. Everything is making me cry. It used to be that I would hardly ever cry, but since March it's like I opened the flood gates and now everything makes me cry. I know it's not real professional and I am sure I looked like a fool when I was leaving the meeting today, but I can't help it. I didn't cry in the meeting, but I had tears in my eyes and I am sure my voice was a little shaky.

Most of the other managers know what has been going on with my personal life, but still part of me feels like I should be able to hold it together while I am at work. But, I am so stressed at work and it seems like my personal life and work life are constantly colliding. I talk to my techs about not letting their personal issues interfer with their work, but here I am not even able to hold myself together while I am at work. How can I expect my techs to do this if I can't even do it?

I don't want people to think I am crazy or overly emotional, but there are times when I just can't help but cry. It used to be that when I would cry I would feel kind of refreshed, but lately it seems that when I cry it only makes things worse. Thankfully today I have an appointment with my counselor and I hope I can make it to 3 when my appointment is. I wish I could just come home after my appointment, but I have to go back to work until at least 9 tonight. It's going to be a long day.

Tonight we are suppose to be getting 6-8 inches of snow. If all my techs show up this weekend, then it will be the perfect weekend to stay inside and try to mend this broken heart that I have.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

I am so tired. The last two nights I have gotten about 8 hours of sleep total. I feel like I am close to crashing. Let me explain why I did not get much sleep last night.

I had planned on going to bed early last night. In fact, I was headed up to bed at 11pm. I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth and when I came out Ben was sitting on the bed looking guilty. Yes, he peed on the bed.......again. I was so angry with him. I yelled at him and he went running. I have not had time to take my comforter to the dry cleaners or even pick up some of the stuff that some of you have recommend I buy. I have washed the comforter like 4x in the last week, but I guess he is still picking up on the smell. Because it went through to the sheets I stripped the bed and threw it all in the wash. My sheets are white so I put some bleach in with them. I thought this might get some of scent out. The bedroom is officially off limits to Ben and he's not too happy about it, but at this point I really don't care.

About 1am I was finally able to go to bed. When I got home yesterday (after working midnight to 9:30am) I laid down, but only let myself sleep for 4 hours because I didn't want trouble going to sleep at my normal bedtime. So, by 1am I was exhausted. At 3:30am I got a TXT message from R. She just asked what I was doing today. After a couple TXT messages we ended up on the phone with each other. It was a good talk and she explained some of what has been going on. I am still not sure what I am going to do, but things do make more sense now. We were on the phone until 7:30am. By this point I am not sure I am even making sense because I am so tired. I tell her that I really need to get some sleep and I fall asleep for 3 hours.

Tomorrow is a crazy day as well. I am going into work at 8am and then taking a few hours off in the afternoon and then going back to work the second shift. I am wondering if I will ever catch up on my sleep. I really feel like I could go to sleep now and be out of it for a few days.

Tonight I have a friend coming over for a few hours (what was I thinking?????) and I am making some cookies for work. One of the things I am doing tomorrow afternoon is going to my counseling session. I haven't been in 4 weeks and I really feel like I need to go. Last night I sat on the couch so upset about nothing and crying like I cried when Laura and I broke up. It was kind of refreshing, but it was exhausting. And the crazy thing is I really don't know what I was crying about, I was just crying. I think lack of sleep is part of the reason I am so emotional right now. I seriously feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat.

So, let's all pray that I get some sleep this weekend. And let's all pray that I figure out what to do with R. It's all so confusing and I think part of the reason is because I am so freakin tired.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

So R called me tonight. I was actually surprised when she did call and even more surprised as to what she asked me. She asked me if I had been talking about her on the Internet. I told her that the only thing I had mentioned about her on my blog (she knows about my blog, but I hadn't given her the address and I am confident she did not find it on her own) and that I had only said how much I liked her and how disappointed I was when she stopped calling and returning my calls. She then went on to tell me about someone (she thinks it's an ex) that is trashing her over the Internet. I told her that I was surprised she would think I would do something like that. She said she didn't think I had done it, but she was wondering if I had been talking with this person. I have no idea who this person is and um, she is the one that stopped returning my calls, not the other way around.

We talked for about twenty minutes where she reassured me that she still really likes me. She said she had been pretty sick the last couple of days. She then said she would call me back later tonight because she wanted to talk to me. She never called.

I just sent her an email telling her that one thing that I have learned this year is to not let people walk all over me. I also told her that something is not adding up here and either she likes me or she doesn't. What she is telling me (about liking me) is not adding up to how she is treating me.

It seems like it has been forever since I have blogged. I am thinking that maybe I have a slight problem since I think it's been forever and it's only been 2 days. If I was going to have a problem with something I am glad it's blogging and not something else. :)

Well, the ice storm has come and gone and left a beautiful sight indeed. I never lost power (yay!) and most of my techs came into work (double yay!). I spent Monday and Tuesday doing nothing. I watched Little House on the Prairie and just spent a lot of time looking out the back door at the beauty that was left after the storm. I took a long nap yesterday which ended up being a good thing. I got a call around 5pm that my one tech that was suppose to come in at midnight was having chest pains and would not be in. I put in several calls to see if someone could cover the shift, but no one could. My only choice was for me to go in. I was really angry when I realized I had to go in, but once I got to work I was more then OK. I love my job and I love the reason I go to work everyday. I do things the way they are suppose to be done and I know the clients really appreciate that. I had their morning coffee made by 5:45am and breakfast all ready by 6am. They were telling me that usually it's at least 7am before the breakfast is ready, which only leaves them 45 minutes to eat before heading to the main building. I know it helped the clients when they woke up to the smell of coffee. I stopped by the main building this morning and I could tell I have been missed. One of my favorite co-workers emailed me and said "Work is so boring when you are not here". I know I complain about my work sometimes, but I really do love my job and the people I work with. I think I am going to make another batch of cookies for our managers meeting on Friday to show them how much I appreciate them.

My boss told me that I am not to come in tomorrow. When I told her I wasn't sure she looked at me like I will write you up if you come in tomorrow. Part of me feels guilty for not going in, but I do know I have put in enough time this week to take tomorrow off with time left over.

So here I sit at 10:00am on Wednesday (I think it's Wednesday, my days are all messed up) feeling really good and kind of wired. I know my body is tired and I know the minute my head hits the pillow I will be out, but right now I am just going to enjoy an episode of Will & Grace (I forgot how funny this show is). I wish I could take this positive attitude I have about work and put it into my personal life. I am literally up and down in regards to finding someone. I know it will happen and I just need to learn to be more patient.

OK, I am going to get something to eat and then head to bed. Goodnight Y'all.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Tonight we are suppose to have a major ice storm. They are calling for at least 1/2 inch up to an inch of ice tonight and tomorrow. I ran out to the store tonight to pick up some more candles. My flashlights are all ready and I have found my hat and gloves. They are saying that there is a real good chance that we could lose power. Looks like tomorrow was a great day for me to take off.

In my sadness today I made myself some sugar cookies. Nothing better then a sugar cookie w/ frosting to make the world seem a little better. I also went out and got some BBQ. I guess today is a day of comfort food and that's OK.

I went by work for a few minutes to pick the pile of applications I have. I need to start calling and setting up interviews to get these positions filled. I decided to take Sophie with me and everyone at work loved her. She was a bit nervous, but was a huge hit with my co-workers. My boss gave me some more information about the tech I had to fire on Friday and I know I made the right decision.

I have not heard from R. I called and left her a message saying that if she had changed her mind then she should have just told me. I am OK with it because it's apparent now she was not meant for me. I was telling Lynilu that the next person must be really special because I have gone through a lot of crud to get to her. Somehow I know she will be worth the wait.

If my blog is quiet for a while it's because we have no power. If you are curious as to what the weather is doing here you can scroll down to the bottom of my left sidebar.

Be safe everyone.

*Update: Tuesday 9:30am*

I still have power!!! Yay! Right now we are just getting rain, but sometime this afternoon the temperature will drop below freezing again. Boy am I glad that I get to stay home today. Right now the roads are not that bad, but they are saying it will get really bad when the temps drop again.

R was suppose to call me last night. She did not. I sent her a TXT message saying to call me this morning so we could decide what time we were going to get together. She did not call this morning. At 10:30 she sent me a TXT message saying she couldn't make lunch.

I am starting to think that maybe she has changed her mind. I can't help but wonder if what I shared with her on Friday night helped her change her mind.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

I went into work today around 2pm and stayed until just 6pm. The tech seemed to have everything under control so I decided since I am the boss I could leave when I wanted to. And as it turns out I will be off tomorrow and Tuesday, but I will have to work on Friday. I can't seem to find anyone that can cover the shift on Friday night, so that leaves me having to work. And since I am so behind I will probably go in for a few hours either tomorrow or Tuesday. My work never seems to end.

For some reason today I am a little down. I think part of it is hearing everyone talk about the things they are doing with their family. Thinking about Christmas is kind of depressing to me. I don't have a tree up and probably won't go get one. I am not that sad about the whole tree thing, but I am sad that my sadness seems to be so overwhelming during this season. If I had known this Christmas was going to be so miserable I might have enjoyed last years a little more.

I am also getting the feeling that I am not good enough for anyone. I wonder if I will ever find that person that accepts me for exactly who I am and not constantly try to change me. I know I have my faults and things that I need to change, but I never ask the people I love to change.

I don't think anyone realizes how much of a struggle it is for me to get up and just survive each day. When people ask me about my family situation they usually just look at me with this I can'tbelieve it face. Yes this is actually my life not some movie and some days are harder then others to pretend that everything is OK. There are many days when I want to just stay in bed and feel sorry for myself. Then there are days when I just want to talk about my family and remember the good times we have had. Then I have days where I just want to cry about everything. I never thought in a million years that I would be sitting here at 34 grieving for a family that is still living. It is so hard to be rejected by your family. Some days I feel like I am better off without them and then there are many other days where I feel like I must not be a good enough person. Because really, don't you have to be pretty bad for your entire family to turn their back on you? It's all confusing trying to work through all my feelings on this situation. It's kind of scary how my emotions can go up and down within one day. I am tired of this yo-yo feeling I have most days.

One other thing that is kind of making me sad is the fact that we are suppose to get more ice tomorrow. R and I might have to cancel our date again. She lives about 45 minutes east of Kansas City and I guess the roads are pretty bad where she lives. I am wondering if we are really meant to meet or if we are just meant to meet next spring.

I am hoping this bad and crappy attitude I seem to have today is due to me being so tired. I feel like I could sleep for days. Looks like I might just have that chance if we do get that ice tomorrow.

Well, I guess I could consider today my Friday since I will be off after today until Wednesday. And even then I am only working two days and will have a 3 day weekend. All this extra work has just exhausted me. When you are working with the clients you never get a break. Last night I went in and the other tech and I had to make them dinner and then we did groups until 9:30pm. I went in around 1:30, so I left around 10pm.

R and I are meeting for lunch tomorrow and then going to see the movie August Rush. I have been wanting to see this movie since it came out, so I am excited about it. And I finally get to use the gift certificate I got from work three months ago.

I am really excited about tomorrow, but I am also a little scared. I really like R and I think part of me is so scared that I am going to get hurt again. On Friday night when I got home R and I talked until like 2:30am. I shared with her some of the things that happened after the break-up with Laura. I shared things with her that I haven't even shared on here and only a few people know about. I worry when I open up to others because I sometimes feel that I will be rejected by what I have been through or what I have done in the past.

We are getting more freezing rain today. I just hope it's not too bad when I try to go into work at 3:30. Oh, and Tuesday we are suppose to get even more freezing rain. Just a disclaimer: When I said I was excited for winter, I meant snow not ice. Thank you very much.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

I went over to M's house (my boss) to take a picture of her and her boyfriend for their Christmas cards. Sadie was so excited to see me. She was jumping all over me. M's boyfriend said that Sadie definitely remembered me. I can't wait until March when I get to keep Sadie for a whole week. I also got to see M's new house. It is so nice. They have a wood burning stove that heats most of their house. I would love to have one of those. M said that their gas bill will be less then half of what they normally pay.

You know, I never thought I would blog for money, but I am finding it really easy to put in my posts. I am finding it a great way to make a little bit of extra money each month which is coming in handy with all the vet bills I have had lately. Ben is home and boy is he mad. With the snow it took me 40 minutes to get home and he meowed the entire time. I haven't seen him since I opened up his kennel when we got home. I do know that he is not in the bedroom. :)

Through the week I have realized that R and I have a lot in common. Here are just a few things:

1) We are both adopted2) We are both Geminis (oh boy...two Geminis is a scary thing)3) We both love driving around looking at Christmas lights

I am really looking forward to tomorrow night. I know I said this last night, but boy does it feel good to laugh again.

I am finally getting my wish. It started snowing around 10am and we are expected to get about 3 inches. I am thrilled!!! I can't wait to get home and start taking pictures with something other then my camera phone.

The vet called about Ben and I think it's good news. I think. He said he does not have a bladder infection and his urine looked just fine. So that means it's a behavioral problem. I have no idea what is going on with him and why he would start this all of a sudden. I think I am going to take the comforter to the dry cleaners to have it cleaned. I always have a towel on the pillows next to me for Ben to lay on and I just put a new one on there and then he started this. So, that may be what is going on. He must be picking up a scent from that towel.

Man, I think I could live in a nursing home. I need someone to come in and help take care of me. With everything that has been thrown my way lately I am just exhausted; both mentally and physically. But somehow I keep getting up in the morning and putting on my big girl panties and facing the world head on.

I have a date with R tomorrow night. We are going to dinner and then driving through a local park that puts out thousands of lights and different animated figures for Christmas. It should be beautiful with all the snow that is falling. I can't wait. Oh, and tomorrow is our company holiday party. It's great because it's from 12:30pm-4:30pm. So that means half a day off. WooHoo!!

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Tonight when I got home I washed the sheets and comforter because I thought Sophie had peed on it. I kept Sophie out all night while I was doing the wash and then after I made the bed back up I kept her out also.

At 11:15pm I went up to go to bed and noticed Ben coming out of the room. Yes, it is Ben that has been peeing on the bed and YES he had peed on the bed again. The sheets/comforter that I had just washed now smell like cat pee....again.

So here it is almost midnight and I am doing more laundry. I would just put new sheets on the bed, but 1) I have no idea where my other sheets are since they are still packed 2) I have no comforter since it's in the wash.

Every other week for the last month or so I have had to go to the vet with a sick pet. Tomorrow morning I will take Ben to the vet. I am getting kind of tired of this.

Can someone please tell me who I have pissed off and why they keep taking it out on my pets????????????

OK, I don't think I am completely in a bad mood, but my day did not get off to a good start. First I woke up and I have a horrible headache. I have delayed long enough putting out my humidifier at night and I think tonight's the night to set it up again. I am hoping that is the reason I have a headache. Although one of my co-workers asked if I was feeling OK today. She said my face looked flushed. I really hope I am not coming down with something.

As I was getting out of the shower I looked in the bedroom and noticed Ben on the bed. He was making that motion with his front paw like he was trying to cover up something. I walked over and noticed that someone peed on the bed. I am thinking it was Sophie because it was such a large amount. Can I tell you how tired I am of the pets getting sick? I am not sure how she could get a bladder infection when she is already on antibiotics. Ugh. So, stripping the bed first thing morning was not the best.

It is really cold here today. I am not complaining, but cold weather is always better when there is snow on the ground. And I have been reading about others getting snow and I just wish they would share a little with me. Although as I sit here right now, I could really use a vacation on the beach. I would give my right arm for a few days on the sandy beach. OK, now I am depressed again.

Just a few minutes ago I got a thank you card from Sadie for watching her. In the thank you card was a gift certificate for Petsmart. I think I will go shopping this weekend for some Christmas gifts for Sophie, Bonk and Ben. My boss M asked if I could watch Sadie in March for a week and I didn't even have to think about it. I told M that I was trying to figure out a way to keep Sadie and not get fired.

I hope everyone else is having a good Wednesday. I think my Wednesday is looking up already.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

So I have been talking to someone new. Last night was the first time I had talked with her on the phone and I swear she is Syd's twin. Some of the things she was talking about I swear I had read on Syd's blog at some point. This woman had me laughing for 2+ hours. It's been a very long time since I have laughed this much. Even when I was with MG I didn't laugh that much. MG was a very (very, very, very) serious person and it was not often when we would just sit and talk and laugh. Laughter is a very good thing and I think it's important for any relationship. Life is too short to be so serious all the time.

I have been busy at work today, but I did managed to text message this person (I need to come up with a nickname) for most of the day. Even her text messages had me laughing my ass off.

Today my boss and I went out to lunch. Have I told you how awesome my boss is lately? In just the seven months that I have been here I have learned so much. It seems that everyone has been asking how I like my job lately. The people that were in my position before me usually lasted about six months, so I think everyone is curious if I am going to stick around. This job has been one of the biggest challenges of my life, but I have enjoyed every minute (well, almost every) of it.

Just 27 days left in 2007 and I can feel the positive energy coming from the new year already. You bet I am going to have one hell of a New Years Eve Party. I don't think I have ever been so happy to see a new year come around.

Monday, December 03, 2007

One of my new favorite shows is Brothers & Sisters. Well, last night I was thrilled to see Ken Olin on the show. It brought me back to the early 90s when thirtysomething was on. When I was in high school this show was must see tv. I was able to watch it for several more years when Lifetime showed reruns. I wish someone would start showing reruns again. I have looked at buying the complete set of all the shows, but it's something like $300. Not ready to spend that yet.

For some reason I have been watching a lot of the shows from the 90s lately. Remember the show Coach? I remember watching it every Monday night with my parents when I was in high school. I think part of the reason I loved this show was because the setting was Minnesota. Yea, my love of Minnesota goes way back.

Today has been a day like no other. Here are a couple letters to people that have tried to fuck up my day/week/year:

To Laura:I really wish you would clean up your fucking messes that you have left behind. I am tired of going online and seeing that something you signed up for last year is now being renewed and taken out of MY bank account. It may not be a lot of money to you, but to someone that was completely shit on by you...it's a lot of money.

To the tech that quit today:I only hired you because you were referred by your friend. Yes you were good with the clients, but I think you have some serious memory problems. How many times do you have to go back to have a TB test done before you realize that you must go back 48 hours later to have it read. I am wondering if you actually have TB and that is why you didn't go back 3 times to have it read. Oh, and fuck you for only leaving a voicemail saying you were quitting and leaving NO notice. It's going to be a bitch trying to cover your shift tomorrow.

To All My Techs:As I do every other Monday, I did the time sheets. I really wonder if some of you want to get paid. How hard is it to just put your hours down. I do all the adding, so I don't understand why it's so difficult for you. And for those of you that didn't even bother to turn in a sheet....one of these weeks I am going to teach you a lesson. Thankfully it's the holidays and I am being nice.

To the Community Support Worker:Please don't come yelling at me because one of my techs points out that you are not doing your job. Do your fucking job and my tech won't have to point out that you don't do shit when you are here.

Sunday, December 02, 2007

My readers are so good at reminding me of the things I sometimes forget. Thank you for your kindness in my previous post. It got me thinking of the places where I know I belong. Here are a few of those places:

I have been thinking a lot about my 11 pound of orange fur that I am missing terribly tonight. I had no idea how much I would miss him once he was gone. I used to have to pick Brady up when I would have people over because he would always try to get outside, and sometimes he would succeed in escaping. He was my greeter and always welcomed people when they first come in my house. Thanks to Cheeky, whenever I am really missing Brady all I have to do is open up the scrapbook she made for me. I look through the book at least once a day. Thanks again Cheeky. Brady was my 11 pounds of pure sweetness.

Do you ever get the feeling that you don't fit in? I feel that almost every day of my life. Trying to see where I fit in this world has been one of my biggest struggles. And it's hard when you are faced with a situation and it is so apparent that you don't fit in. Last night was one of those times. Before I go into it, I need you to know that I love my friend dearly and this is not about my friendship with her.

The party was very nice, but it was very clear that I didn't fit in. I did have a good time and talked to several people that were so drunk that they probably won't remember talking to me this morning. There were about 30 people (I was the youngest one there) at the party and most were watching the MU game that was on. It was nice that there was some kind of distraction. I find it really hard just go up to people and start talking, so it was nice that the game was on.

My friend is African American and I was the only Caucasian person there. I know this is kind of a delicate subject, but it was very clear that there is a difference in cultures. I am not saying that is a bad thing and I hope no one will perceive that. 90% of the conversations that were going on I had no idea what they were talking about. It could be the age thing, but I think some of it had to do with culture. Overall it was a very nice party, but it did get me to thinking about some things.

When I was growing up I never felt like I fit in with my family. It's hard to explain, but I remember sitting at dinner with my parents and brother and thinking there was something wrong with me since I was not like them. I didn't fit in with the church and believe me I tried very hard to fit in with the church. I almost died trying to fit into that cult.

As I sit here today I still don't know exactly where I fit into this world. Three years ago I thought I had found that place where I fit, but unfortunately that fit was filled with lies and deceit. I just want to have that place where I know where I fit. It's really hard to always be looking for that place. Most people have their family where they fit. I don't even have that. And I am not saying that I wish I fit in with my family because that will never happen, but I just wish I had one place where I knew it was a perfect fit.

Everyone wants to feel like they belong. I just want to feel like I belong somewhere or with someone. This post kind of goes back to my post from Friday night about being lonely. I am OK being by myself, but there are many times when I wish I had someone here with me on a day to day basis. A few weeks back I wrote about just wanting to be loved. I still just want to be loved and have that loved appreciated.

I think it's a miracle that I am still willing to give love a shot even though I have been hurt so badly in the past. Now if I could just find that person that will take my love and not try to destroy my heart in the process. I don't think that is too much to ask.

Saturday, December 01, 2007

I was thinking this afternoon that the Christmas party I am going to tonight is my first one. I can't believe I have never been to a Christmas party. Laura was not very sociable and so we never really went out except by ourselves. I am thankful that my friend invited me and now that the time is getting closer I am getting excited. My friend asked me to bring my camera so I could take some pictures. Speaking of pictures....

When Sadie was here I took lots of pictures of her. When I showed M my pictures she loved them. She then asked me to come over and take a picture of her and her boyfriend for their Christmas cards. I will be going over tomorrow to take those pictures. I wonder at what point do I start charging people. I know I can make money from some of the pictures I take, but I always feel weird charging people. I took some really good pictures of the fall colors and I know I could probably sell them and I am going through different ideas as to selling them. Since I seem to take such good pictures of dogs/cats I have thought of setting up a business where I take pictures of peoples pets. So many ideas, now I just need to sit down and get serious about all of this.

As I thought we only got rain last night and this morning. Last night on the news you would have thought we were going to have a major ice storm. Stupid weatherman. I would love to have their job. You hardly ever get your job right, but you still have a job and people still listen to you. I did get a TXT message from Katie and she was so nice to include a picture of the snow they are getting. Bitch. (you know I love you Katie)

I took a 3 hour nap this afternoon because I know it's going to be a late night. My friend asked me stay after everyone has left to help clean-up and because I am such a good friend I said I would.

My tech meeting went really well today. One of the techs that does not like me that much even told me it was a good meeting. Our company has Extra Mile awards for someone that goes above and beyond the call of duty. I decided my monthly meetings was the perfect place to present these to my techs. I am working on more praise even though most of them I want to kill on a daily basis. I guess I am trying the kill them with kindness approach. So far I think it's working.

OK, I think I have stalled enough here. The party starts in two hours and I still need to shower and I have no idea what I am going to wear.

P.S. I have no idea what happened to my header picture. Is there anyone that can help me with this? It just shrunk one day and I don't know how to change it.

You are Visitor......

When I first started this blog it was because I felt lost in the world and didn't know where I fit into the world. After taking several years off to get to know the real Caroline, I think I have finally found my place in the world. I hope you will tag along so I can share with you all the wonderful little things in my life. I now live at the top of the world (literally) and I love the view from here.