While, in some part of my brain, I was 100% aware that it wasn’t entirely my fault, in the moment it’s really hard to grasp the part of me that produces rational thought.

I thought all that would be over for a while at the end of October because our IVF cycle was scheduled to start. Due to some unforeseen issues we weren’t able to start this month.

Which meant another month of these meds…

Oh wait, I’m sorry Dr. Person, did you say we were upping those meds this month?

Personally, I think I took it well.

3 days, lots of binge eating, and one drunken haze later I had a brief, blissful moment of clarity. I was able to be off the pills for 4 days before we started again and on that 3rd day, life just kind of…clicked.

As Cliff and I were driving to meet friends for brunch I started writing myself a letter.

I wound up sitting in the parking lot, unable to move, until I finished it.

After reading it, I knew things with me were about to change. I felt…I don’t know, strong? It’s kind of hard to put into words without sounding like I puked up a hallmark card.

So, instead, I’ll just post it here for the “world” to see.

Who knows? Maybe someone else that’s having a moment of clarity decides to give a little pep talk to their future selves.

We could all use it sometimes, right? We can be real assholes to ourselves.

****NSFW Language****

Future Jodi,

This is past Jodi. We are having a clear day today and we know what we have to do to get through this next round (and all future rounds if that’s what it comes to – because the reward will be definitely be worth it – no matter what happens).

Keep this plan in mind on days where you question your sanity.

Your life is amazing. Absolutely, unequivocally the most amazing life you could have ever imagined. You are living a real life fairy tale. Cliff is your best friend and has taught you the true meaning of the words “love” and “respect.” Remember this when you want to scream at him. He will still love you when it’s over, but you’ll feel like a royal cunt.

Your friends are here for you. They love you because you’re a good person. You’re compassionate, honest, and fun. You truly care about them and they can tell. Don’t stop being you. That’s the person they like. When you need to cry or vent, reach out to them, do not shut them out. And when they need you, return the favor.

You do not need random stuff to feel better. Spending money will not actually make you feel better. Be mindful of your budget and your long term goals. This is what will really make you feel better. Keep your eye on the prize.

Do not reward yourself with food. You are not a dog.

Be nice to yourself. You are not a horrible person. People that you respect very much think you’re great. If you were a bad person those people would not choose to spend their time with you. Remember that and cut yourself a break. You’re going through a lot and everyone understands. This experience will help you to grow as a person and even if things don’t go exactly as planned, remember one thing…

Your life is already amazing.

With all my love,

Past Jodi

This is taped up on my bedroom mirror, next to my vanity, on my fridge, and on my desk. I ain’t playin’

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4 comments on “Dear Future Me…”

Great idea, and thanks for sharing something so personal with us all.. It also made me laugh a bit. I need to stop rewarding myself with food as I am also not a dog… I might follow your lead and write something like this for myself, just as soon as some clarity appears.. Glad to hear you’re feeling strong and positive.. 🙂

Hello and welcome! You found me at a perfect time. I do actually plan on updating tonight. My goal for 2016 is to post every Monday as sort of a recap of the previous week. I hope you enjoy following along! 🙂