Shopping To Combat Dysphoria

I felt like a kid on Christmas day, I have been shopping
a million times but this felt different. We chose a smaller high street and had
to stop and rest regularly because my knee was still playing up however the
actual trip was the source of my happiness even in pain I pushed myself because
I knew this was going to help me feel better. I just wanted to feel at ease.

Changing rooms where also something I felt annoyed
about because the men’s section was generally a floor apart from the women’s. Each
time I had to go from the men’s section to the women’s to get changed. Which one
made me feel more dysphoric, secondly I was still having trouble with my knee as
you can imagine; stairs where my enemy! After trying on basically half the rail
of different sizes, I found the best one for me, I picked up a pair of jeans
and a few t-shirts.

I felt a bit intimated when in the men’s sections
searching for boxers, I didn’t know my size and you can’t really try them on,
so I took longer to decided which ones to buy. I just felt like some guys looked at me like I
shouldn’t be there, because it didn’t look like I was looking for to get someone
a gift, lucky for me my girlfriend was there and she just made me laugh and
just told me not to worry about others, after she said that I felt more relaxed
and I just carried on shopping as usual.

Once I was home the first thing I tried on was the boxers, which fitted me fine
and then after that I just put on my new t-shirt, jumped on my bed, I was just
the happiest person in the world, I felt comfortable, I felt like a guy. I am,
but I felt like one for the first time, just like this is how it was always
supposed to be.

The next day I tried on the rest of my new clothes
and then it didn’t seem to have the same effect, I looked in the mirror and it
was as if I noticed everything female about myself. Which really troubled me. I don’t know where these tears came from, but
I just burst out crying. I was getting
ready to go out, so I was wearing a bra and it just made me feel so distressed.
I didn’t want to go out anymore. My girlfriend hugged me and told me not to
worry, we can buy a binder if I wanted or get some sports bras to flatten down
my chest. Which was a really important
step to make me feel okay again.

Once I sorted out that little problem, I felt comfortable and over the moon with my new FTM wardrobe. It really did make all the difference.

ADVICE: If you have a transgender friend/loved one, in particularly in the early stages of their transition, help them out by supporting them on a shopping trip, if will boost their moral. Plus its a great chance to talk and even you just being there means the world.