Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Hey Jealousy

First of all, you're welcome for getting that awesome Gin Blossoms song stuck in your head. I even have a bonus treat for you at the end of this post...

Second of all...I've been thinking about this post for a while and the right way to say what I want to without coming across sounding like an ungrateful jerk.

So...jealousy. Or envy. One of the seven sins, dontcha know. It's also, I think, a very complex, very common emotion and one I want to address from the point-of-view of a writer.

In all honesty, I'm not, by nature, a jealous person. I'm also not a very competitive person. I am ambitious and I do set high standards for myself. My usual mode of operation, though, is trying to best myself more than anything.

But guess what? I get jealous. Sometimes I get jealous of other writers' extensive book tours or their bestseller statuses or the really cool trailer that their pub house made for them. Sometimes I get jealous that goals seem to come easily and quickly for others that have either taken me many, many years to accomplish or that I'm still grappling with. Sometimes I even get jealous of my friends' personal lives.

I hate feeling jealous. Hate it. Because, logically, I know that just because someone has had something good happen to them, doesn't mean something good won't happen to me. There isn't a finite amount of good fortune in the world. Also because I know that just because something seems easy for someone, doesn't mean that's the way it is. I often don't know an individual's personal struggles at all. And, finally, because jealousy is frankly a pointless and poisonous emotion. It's a waste of my time and energy. And it takes a lot of energy.

I KNOW all this. And, yet, it is impossible not to be jealous sometimes. I suspect it is part of the human condition and that I likely am not alone in feeling this way.

In the past year or so, I've found myself having to confront my jealousy more than before. Because, you know what? There are authors who are more successful than me: who get more attention, make more money, write better books. And, frankly, that's the way it should be. There should always be someone better than me, something to strive for.

I also accept that there are people who are jealous of me. I have an agent. I've been published. I have a book that is on bookstore shelves. Truthfully, three years ago, I would have been jealous of me for that alone.

What works for me is taking the time to acknowledge to myself when I'm jealous, reassuring myself that I don't mean ill-will to the person I'm jealous of, and then moving on. Even better yet, making sure to congratulate the person on their good news and making sure they know that I am genuinely happy for them. Because I am. I've learned that being jealous and being happy for someone are not mutually exclusive.

And I find that when I become a cheerleader, I feel just a little bit better about myself. It's a little bit easier to let go of the poison and focus on things that are proactive instead, the things that make me accomplish those goals I set for myself.

What about you? How do you deal with the big green monster? Or am I, in fact, a big jerk for sometimes feeling this way?

Oh, and because I promised...here you go. (I've embedded the version with on-screen lyrics because, let's face it, you know you want to belt this now.)

It's understandably human of you. I'm insanely jealous of your author status, but I can also tell you worked hard yet humbly for that status. I hate that old "grass is greener" saying but it's true. You always want what you can't have--and you always want to write what you can't write. I know I will never write an accurate, believable detective thriller--but James Patterson YA/fantasy is nothing to write home about, you know?

I don't think there's any writer--or person--who doesn't face jealousy at some point. When I feel it, I just remind myself that I'd rather travel my own journey. Why should I want the same exact thing another writer has? That's just limiting my dreams.

I struggle with this too. A lot. I think you hit the nail on the head, though. There is not a finite amount of good things in the world. There is more than enough good feelings, love, wealth, luck, abundance,fame, etc to go around. I also find that when I make an effort to stop putting my energy into brooding or feeling jealous and concentrate on myself and doing a good job at whatever goal it is I am trying to accomplish- I most often end up doing a good job, reach my goal and that helps me feel good about myself. And not to sound like Oprah, but keeping a gratitude journal and writing down all the things your are grateful for definitely helps all those icky feelings subside. Jealousy is such a poisonous feeling.

I get jealous too! Especially when someone younger than me has a book deal or a cool library position. But I also realize that I made my own choices and there is no backtracking. If I want to write a book, than do it. If I want that cool library job, than apply for something out of state. We all get jealous sometimes but what we do about it is what makes us strong.

This was such a great post. I think aspiring writers like me sometimes feel like once you get published, all your problems go away! It's good to know that publication isn't all the glamour I imagine. Anything in life that is worth having is hard, and even once you get there, it's hard. But hopefully your jealousy disappears when you see Goldenrod on the shelves at Barnes and Noble.

And, for what it's worth, here's one person who thinks your book is rockin'!

I know that feeling -- not that long ago I had that feeling!! Don't get me wrong: getting published is still a dream come true. But everything you point out is also very true. And thank you for the book love!

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About Me

I'm the author of THREE DAY SUMMER (Simon & Schuster), THE MAPMAKER AND THE GHOST (Bloomsbury), and the upcoming THE GEEK'S GUIDE TO UNREQUITED LOVE. I also blog a lot about things I'm geeking out over. To learn a bit more about me, including how to pronounce my name (!), check out my website.