Posted tagged ‘Colts jokes’

Josh McDaniels agreed to become Colts head coach, then told them, sorry, he decided to stay with Patriots. Well, this ought to make New England even more beloved by fans outside Massachusetts.

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Well, at least #Colts were undefeated in the Josh McDaniels era.

This is the inaugural Olympics mixed doubles curling competition, and Canada opened with a loss. The horror. Hope they can show their faces at home.

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Russell Wilson was traded to the Yankees. Was Derek Jeter somehow involved?

A Japanese study says a chemical in McDonald’s french fries may cure baldness. So supersize that standing DC order from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

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An Eagles fan was seen at MSP Airport with a stolen purple seat from U.S Bank Stadium. To be fair, at #SuperBowl ticket prices, he probably thought he had paid for it

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Federal law prohibits many men with active restraining orders from even buying a gun…. but they can work in the White House? #RobPorter#WTF?

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Cornell frat is on probation for a “pig roast” sex contest – points given for sleeping with women & a bonus for having sex with woman who weighed the most. Sometimes it IS hard to believe in evolution.

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Scary thing, despite allegations from 2 ex-wives & 1 ex-girlfriend, if that black eye picture hadn’t surfaced, GOP would all still be rallied around Rob Porter.

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If OJ Simpson would just make a statement supporting @realDonaldTrump, pretty sure @POTUS would find him a White House position.

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So when military men & women start coming out against Trump’s parade how long will it take for #CadetBoneSpurs to call them treasonous?

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So GOP attacked Hillary and then Huma Abedin over their philandering husbands. I guess it would have been okay if Bill and Weiner just beat their wives instead?

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So Justin Trudeau apologizes for making a “dumb joke that has gone viral” when he corrected “mankind” to peoplekind.” Donald Trump still hasn’t apologized for “jokingly” referring to Democrats as “treasonous.”

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Yesterday a court ordered @POTUS to pay $25 million to students he defrauded with Trump University, and it wasn’t even a top headline for 24 hours. #thenewabnormal

So what if we make a deal with @RealDonaldTrump? He resigns and we give him the bigliest parade ever!

Wow, in Baltimore those four Confederate monuments were taken out of town last night almost as fast as the Colts.

Wouldn’t it be nice if biggest controversy on social media this summer was about if it’s really stupid to talk about “exit velocity.” in Major League Baseball?

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Apparently in Las Vegas, more bets have been placed on the Raiders to win the Super Bowl than on any other team. Well, and if anyone has wondered how they get money to build all those big shiny hotels….

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On a positive note, the awesome Kate Scott will start calling play-by-play for Pac 12 college football. Three words – You Go Girl.

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A Minneapolis diner has fired two employees for a social media posted photo showing them dressed up in Nazi fatigues. Assume they were fired not only for racism but for stupidity. #Whopoststhat?

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Can someone please get a permit to start playing Elvis music outside of Congress. Specifically “A little less conversation…”

Public embarrassment, firings, tears… Who knew being a neo-Nazi could be so complicated?

Why are we all saying that @realDonaldTrump is supporting White Supremacists when it seems just as likely at this point that he IS one?

Councils disbanded after most CEOs quit. Now Trump is probably trying to figure out how to end the Senate.

Remember that Family Guy episode on the Munich tour bus?
Brian : Yeah, about your pamphlet… uh, I’m not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945. There’s just a big gap.
Tour guide: Everyone vas on vacation….
So in years to come how many in the Trump White House will have a similar “vacation” gap on their resumes.

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So will Trump now order new sign at the entrance to National Holocaust Museum saying “there were very fine people on both sides?”

Both sides acted inappropriately, Not just Pontius Pilate & soldiers but Jesus and disciples were being very violent. #Sad

Cory Booker won the U.S Senate seat in New Jersey tonight. Against a Republican who called him a “Hollywood stand-in” for President Obama. Alas for Steve Lonegan NJ voters apparently viewed him as a stand-in for Ted Cruz.

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A new study found that Oreos are as addictive as cocaine. The scary thing… what does that mean for treats that are made from real chocolate?

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A flight from San Jose to Honolulu made an emergency stop in Oakland after a bird was sucked into an engine. Alaska Airlines reported no injuries. The bird, however, would disagree.

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Brian Cashman’s former mistress is suing her psychiatrist for leaking medical information to the Yankees GM, which she claims to her arrest and incarceration for five months. Hmm, maybe we’ve found a possible woman who really deserves A-Rod.

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Obama met briefly today with Miss America Nina Davuluri when she visited the White House with a group from the Children’s Miracle Network Hospital Champions. Presumably the President did so despite an offer to fill in during the shutdown from former President Clinton.

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Staten Island Congressman Michael Grimm, who is single, is denying the story that he had a 17-minute sexual encounter with a woman in a wine bar bathroom. I don’t know… 17 minutes? Might raise his standing with female voters.

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Ted Cruz decided not to block a vote on the Senate shutdown-debt ceiling deal. So has he decided he likes “Green Eggs & Ham?”

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John Boehner may have accomplished the impossible – making Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell look like statesmen.

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So regarding this Redskins controversy, we used to have the Washington Senators. In light of current events and current competence levels, why don’t we rename the football team the Washington House?

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“Better to keep silent and be thought a fool” dept: Colts owner Jim Irsay said he was “frustrated” that his team won only one Super Bowl when Peyton Manning was there. Just the motivation Peyton needs for his next opponent… Indianapolis.

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Peyton Manning in response to Colts’ owner Irsay’s complaint about them only having 1 ring. “I don’t have any answer for you on that, or any comment on any of that.” Two points on that: 1. Archie raised a classy son. 2. Broncos are 6-0, and the Colts 4-2. (No comment is a bit classier than “Suck it, Irsay.”)

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What a relief for Fox announcers. With Pedroia’s single in 1st tonight, they didn’t need to spend most of #ALCS game 4 jinxing another #Tigers no-hitter.

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If any men needed more explanation as to why females still adore Robert Redford, there’s was today’s CNN interview: Where the actor said that women and young people are the answer in Washington “Give them the reins. I think they can do better than we have.”

Snooki says in an US Magazine interview that she found out she was pregnant about a week after New Year’s Eve, and that her first thought was, “‘[Bleep], I’ve been drinking!'” Open note to the GOP, there are scarier things than birth control.

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Peyton Manning said today “I’ll always be a Colt.” Surprised he couldn’t hear the snickers coming all the way from Baltimore.

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If some of the New Orleans Saints had rebelled against the pay for defense system would it have been considered Mutiny on the Bounties?

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Peyton Manning with Colts owner Jim Irsay at his press conference about leaving: “It wasn’t his decision. It wasn’t my decision. Circumstances kind of dictated it,” Sounds like if he retires from football Manning has a great future as a press secretary for some politician explaining their next divorce.

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Facebook had a major outage in Europe today. Oh the horror, millions of Europeans were forced actually to sit at their computers and work.

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Not a good time to be a white supremacist in the U.S. We’ve got a black president, an Asian-American basketball star, and a Filipino-Mexican-American (Jessica Sanchez) has got to be the front-runner on American Idol.

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In January, Mitt Romney said the minimum wage should be indexed to rise automatically with inflation. Today he said while “inflation is something you should look at, you should “keep America competitive… so right now there’s probably not a need to raise the minimum wage.” Stay tuned after November, when both Mitt and John Kerry jointly invest in Waffle House.

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Los Angeles Lakers lost to the Washington Wizards after leading by 20 points in 3rd quarter. And here Kobe says he has no rival. I don’t know, tonight he did a pretty good LeBron James impersonation.

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NFL league image may be suffering from “Bountygate.” On other hand, odds of Peyton Manning suffering a career ending injury in 2012 from a hard hit have probably just gone down considerably.

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In Oxnard, California, teachers and parents are being asked to discourage middle school children from “searching for and/or visiting “inappropriate sites”, after stories surfaced that a teacher who might have been moonlighting as a porn star. In related news, requests for fathers for parent-teacher conferences are way up.

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From my friend Alex Kaseberg: “Harvard makes NCAA Tournament. Needs work on trash talk: “Your Matriarch is so corpulent I am concerned about her risk of heart disease.”
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The NFL Players Association is now looking into the Bounty controversy. Wonder if it will just be outrage over the idea, or also the idea that players weren’t paid enough.

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A story in the NY Daily News said that baseball owners will vote against the Oakland A’s attempted move to Santa Clara. MLB denies the story and says no decision has been reached. Well, of course, the blue ribbon committee has only been meeting for 3 years on the subject. As opposed to Selig’s expanded playoff idea, decided and scheduled instantly….

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Facing a distinct lack of enthusiasm, Mitt Romney’s campaign is falling back on the argument that Mitt holds a commanding lead in the state-by-state delegate math. And Rick Santorum’s response? “Math? More proof that Romney is a liberal who can’t be trusted.”

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ProFlowers is one of the advertisers that dropped Rush Limbaugh. Makes sense. Could be a little awkward for guys sending “thanks for a nice evening” flowers to a woman, when in Rush’s words she’s just acted like a “slut.”

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Not that I am always a fan of government, but for those who say the private sector always does it better, I give you, United Airlines. Four days after the merger with Continental their most preferred client phone lines still have 2-3 hour delays. Not that air travel is ever time sensitive….

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Pat Robertson’s latest: “Now Catholics say that fornication, if you will, sex outside of marriage, is a sin. This woman is saying ‘I’m going to be committing sin but I want you to pay for my sin.” Yeah, I guess I can see the church’s point about spending money. Especially since they are still paying off cases involving their priests.

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Meg Whitman is spending at least $39 million of her own money to run for Governor of California, NBC is spending about $45 million to get rid of Conan. ALMOST makes the San Francisco Giants’ paying Barry Zito $126 million for 7 years look reasonable.

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For Conan O’Brien’s last Tonight show, he took the high road. The result was a program that was relatively subdued, but often both gracious and touching. Many viewers, however, were disappointed. Well, duh, do we watch the Indianapolis 500 to see the most skillful, controlled drivers, or do we guiltily look forward to the spectacular wrecks?

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Parents in a Southern California school district wants to ban the Marriam Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary because a child noticed the word(s) “oral sex.”

So much for social studies students in that district ever doing projects on the impeachment of Bill Clinton and the Starr report.

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And this one will be out of date one way or another in about 12 hours, but what the heck….

In tragedy, the heroes must fail in the end, and they must fail for a reason at least partly of their own doing – the fatal flaw – which usually involves hubris. Like deciding you can let a vanquished victim live to fight another day because you don’t care enough to finish him off. Translation, Shakespeare would be rooting for the Jets.