Mother Lode: Men should shoulder the guilt as well as the responsibility of being a parent

I recently attended a statewide education conference that featured a panel discussion by female educational leaders who are in a variety of important positions.

One of the questions asked of the panel was, “What have you sacrificed to achieve your leadership role?”

The first speaker, a dynamic principal, handled the question brilliantly. She said she wasn’t going to answer that question and said instead she would answer a question about the ways she has learned to achieve balance in her life. She astutely pointed out that a panel of men probably wouldn’t be asked what they had sacrificed to achieve their goals. Let’s face it: We generally don’t have the same expectations for men when it comes to nurturing our families and running our households.

Later, the speakers talked about “mom guilt” and how that also isn’t an attribute generally attributed to fathers, although I am sure there are many who experience feelings of guilt and remorse when work duties take precedence over family duties.

I have had my share of mom guilt through the years, even when I was a stay-at-home mom. Parenting is by far the most difficult and challenging job I have ever had or ever will. And when you are doing it full-time, with few breaks, you tend to make mistakes or not like your job some days.

I don’t know a working mom out there who doesn’t struggle to balance the demands of her job and the demands of her family. And good working fathers share this struggle, as well. The biggest difference I see is women are expected to feel guilty about this by society. Dads — not so much. They generally get a bye on the guilt.

Financially, most families need to have two working parents. And even if that is not the case and both parents choose to work, that is their choice. Lobbing guilt on that decision is ridiculous.

The truth is women still are the ones taking care of the kids and most of the household chores. A 2017 national survey conducted by Whitman Insight Strategies, women shoulder nearly double the household chores as their male partners. And what’s even more interesting is it hasn’t really changed over the years — millennial men aren’t doing any more than baby boomer men.

I am one of the lucky ones. My spouse is incredibly helpful around the house. If I cook, he does the dishes. He does laundry. He cleans. He does yard work. And when I have a 70-hour work week, he might even do more.

As women continue to work to close the gender pay gap, I believe we need to work to close the gender guilt gap, as well. Let’s stop making women feel bad for what they aren’t doing and celebrate what they are doing.

I always have hoped my daughters would experience a much more equitable world than women of my generation have experienced. I hope they don’t have to feel like they are constantly choosing work over family or family over work. I hope they can find balance. I hope society judges them less harshly.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t appear my hopes and reality match. So instead, I hope my daughters continue to find the good fight and support the women around them to create a more equitable world. That might be the only way we can transcend this unfair judgement of our roles.

— Theresa Myers is the Director of Communications for Greeley-Evans School District 6. She and her husband have two grown daughters who were raised in Greeley.