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This post contains computer generated nudity, strong language, sexual situations, adult themes and links to pornography-related content. Were this post a movie it would likely receive an “R” rating and not be recommended for viewing by anyone under the age of 17 without parental supervision. So if you are under the age of 17 and are without parental supervision, we have to ask you to leave this post now. Thus endeth my liability and now beginneth yours. Have a nice day!

I recently helped a law firm with some independent trademark research work. Technically this task resides outside the scope of what I normally do, and I try making it a point to stay as far away from lawyers as I can. But this job was different. WAY different.

To begin with, the American Bar Association defines more than 20 sections in the world of law. Each possesses its own collection of sub-groups and specialists, as well as indigenous collections of laws and rules of engagement which have endured more revisions than the King James bible. To know all the laws is to speak, read, write, comprehend and interpret multiple languages.

Trademark Research

If the legal industry were a military, then Intellectual Property would be their Special Operations Command. It’s incredibly intricate and detail-oriented work that (when successful) can produce some rather spectacular results. Intellectual Property (or IP for short) is all about the issuance and ownership rights protection of patents, trademarks and copyrights. For purposes of this blog and according to the United States Patent & Trademark Office: “a trademark is a word, phrase, symbol or design, or a combination thereof, that identifies and distinguishes the source of the goods of one party from those of others.” In layman’s terms… identity branding.

There are essentially two halves to practicing law, the transactional/prosecution half and the litigation half. Prosecution is a term exclusive to Intellectual Property, while litigation can apply to all sections of law. As the trademark research I performed resides within the realm of IP, I will use the terms prosecution and litigation from here on out.

Prosecution (under which my research work was classified) is challenging, demanding and technically severe. In addition to their law degrees IP prosecution lawyers usually possess a technical degree in their field of specialization; and there are as many fields in IP law as there are fields in science, engineering, manufacturing, art, music and literature. Akin to technology R&D (a profession I am quite familiar with) picture a ragtag collection of Dr. Emmitt Browns who stay sequestered in dark caves all day long doing brain melting research and investigative work. From within those dank confines, prosecution’s job is to manufacture the legal weapons that courtroom lawyers wield to pummel the snot out of their enemies across the room.

These made for television courtroom lawyers and their staff comprise the litigation team. Litigation’s job is to enslave opponents on a torture rack, then twist and contort prosecution’s research to blast holes in their defenses large enough for a porcelain-praying frat brat humping a beer keg to crawl through. It’s a Brioni-attired mixed martial arts slugfest, with the letter of the law defining the cage’s boundary and a panel of jurors scoring the fight.

Keen observation: the longer a case drags on the more money those lawyers make. No wonder our country is always at war… it’s run by lawyers!

Class Dismissed

Now that your trademark prosecution indoctrination is complete, my research assignment was to identify competitors and their branding platforms in quest of similarities that could possibly be investigated for infringement. A pure exploration project without the weight of opinion or bias – sounds simple enough, right?

It was absurdly mind blowing, and not just because the work itself was fascinating. It was mind blowing because this project catapulted me head first … right … smack … dab … into the middle of … the Internet porn industry. Allow me to encapsulate this most hallowed experience in two words – holy shit!

I can’t go into specifics because, well … I can’t. It’s an attorney/client (+ paralegal, associate, contractor, consultant, anything that breathes) privilege thing. But I can take you to the place my head ultimately went which led to this blog. I wasn’t born yesterday so I promise you’re in for a crazy ride.

Try This At Your Own Risk

IMPORTANT NOTE: I lost count of how many times I had to disinfect my workstation for malicious viruses, trojans and keyloggers. I made a habit of closing my web browser and deleting everything in the temp and temporary internet file folders – as well as everything in the Delete Browser History window – between site visits. I documented libraries of source code and ran antivirus and malware detection scans religiously.

For my adult site subscriptions I set up generic search engine email accounts, using a different one for each subscription. They served well as login IDs and spam buckets, while passwords were created using an 8-bit alphanumeric random password generator. Also created was a browser Favorites list of websites that worked as front door entry source reference URLs, ensuring login origins were misleading. My favorites were government watchdog sites, fail political propaganda sites and web pages or articles containing endearing content which I thought deserved sex site pingbacks. I also made sure I was provided with a working dummy credit card, as many sites require them for proof of age. (Ya, right.)

Clicking links and ads became a somewhat dangerous undertaking as well. Additional browser windows with more link listings (and the occasional pop-up live nude video chat page) would open up that simply refused to close. And when they did, still more would open up – sometimes many more. When this happened the only way back to my desktop was to bury the [Alt] key and spam the hell out of [F4] faster than the browser windows could pop open. Man was that frustrating.

Preliminary Findings

Amazingly enough, the safest links I found were ones that led to 3D virtual sex worlds. Now, the investigation of adult 3D simulation entertainment wasn’t anticipated as part of my assignment. That was until I remembered a recent shooter I demo’d that featured branded in-game wall posters, billboard advertisements and beverage vending machines. Because competitive branding wars can get pretty cutthroat, even the most hidden or subliminal infringement possibilities had to be sought out. So I downloaded some multiplayer demos and did a little gumshoeing.

Aesthetically, the majority of 3D cybersex worlds I experienced were essentially 1st and 2nd generation video games drowned in text chat sexual role play. Not much feel to them really. Most graphics are low resolution and the polygon counts are right out of stone age Java 3D. In essence, it appears the target market is NOT power users who pride themselves on their gaming rigs. Anyway, I opted to portray fictitious rock stars in fictitious rock bands (they always get invited to back room parties right?) and ventured forth in search of potentially infringing trademark samples.

After a couple weeks of this my perspective widened as I tried drawing parallels to the massively multiplayer online genre. The deeper I went the harder I attempted to visualize connections between 3D cybersex worlds and traditional MMOs. The hope was that clues would obviate themselves in mainstream gamer-centric areas. It actually worked to some extent, though I can’t expound on the details.

What did become obvious however is how much multiplayer cybersex game play lags behind even the weakest retail titles. There are no epic campaign plotlines to follow, no quest chains to complete and no phat loots from boss drops. Characters do score points nevertheless by arousing other player’s characters, maintaining their arousal levels and being creative in applying skills. Points which allow the purchase of improved techniques, enhanced physical features, better sex toys, more customized clothing (yes there are clothes), plus bonuses to attraction, arousal, seduction and performance.

Woah. Sounds like attributes, abilities and talents with weapon & armor upgrades and enchantments to me!

So I got to thinking… if someone were creating a 3D cybersex MMORPG on the same scale as today’s leading MMOs, what would the pre-release pub at a gaming convention look like? In my mind it went something like this…

Game: Promiscuous Paradise

Designer: Asswax Studios

Publisher: Galactic Kegger Entertainment

Distributor: Fupped Duck Enterprises

Genre: Adult Massively-Multiplayer Online Role Playing. (AMMORPG)

The market for video games that combine sex and multiuser virtual computer worlds is slowly growing. The reason it isn’t booming is because the games themselves have produced boorish player interaction. Character “performances” are canned animations extracted from script libraries. Text chat, voice chat and emotes are the extent of in-game communication. Traditional consumer end user interface devices such as tricked out keyboards, mice, joysticks and gamepads remain a large part of the adult cybersex experience. Ostensibly, a handful of rudimentary USB-enabled dildonics devices have come to define the technological envelope of the adult video gaming industry.

That was until Pudstud introduced their Biomech line of teledildonics-enabled gaming peripherals. Today sci-fi grade haptics, voice control, motion control and motion capture are rapidly evolving and are primed for migration into the gaming world – on a highly personalized scale. Human interface devices can be custom fabricated, contoured and detailed to meet the physiological needs of the end user.

But what if form, fit & function were advanced to ergonomically accommodate every appendage, organ and orifice of the human body? What if Hollywood’s motion capture technologies were miniaturized and embedded within a multiplayer video game? What if motion control technology was expanded beyond spatial movement, where it could transceive and process epidural motility? What if an in-game titillation engine could intelligently synthesize and route these processed signals to physiologically-mapped stimulus inputs and response outputs? What if these inputs and outputs were shared and networked between end users through nodes on their player characters to apparel-based user interface devices? Impossible? Hardly…

Introducing Promiscuous Paradise

After eight years in development, Asswax is proud to announce its crowning achievement – Promiscuous Paradise. Combining the best practices of computer-based interactive role play with the latest in sensory haptics, twitch-based signal processing, “AI with an attitude” NPC meganode neural fuzzy logic interpretation, motion control and motion capture peripheral technologies, PP takes MMO and RPG to entirely new heights. More than just a multiplayer video game, Promiscuous Paradise is a massively multiplayer online sex world that physically networks what really matters.

Thanks to our partners at HentaiUna, once large and bulky dungeonesque sex machines historically featured on fetish web sites and adult television are now the size of living room recliners. Aptly named “Bone Thrones” these egg-shaped gaming environments come complete with a swing-away desktop and a built-in 7.1 wireless surround voice recognition, activation and sound synthesis system.

The fully integrated and expandable gaming console features a whopping 256 processor input/output connections, as well as up to 6 IEEE 1394 9-circuit Firewire hardware attachment ports that accommodate a limitless range of quickly interchangeable and appliable aftermarket enhancements. All of these inputs and outputs are wirelessly networked and available for full collaboration with anyone on your friend’s list. Even more amazing controller and sensory articulations are easily experienced with open source add-ons and custom-tailored 3rd party gaming apparel.

Are you a mobile gamer? In conformance with the ISO/TIA 69XXX ruggedized connectivity specification, these wireless enhancements are also flexible, detachable, rechargeable… and tablet friendly. State of the art miniaturization and fabrication enables them to be inconspicuously and comfortably enjoyed from within one’s garments. By combining the latest nanotechnology with the greatest 7G wireless mobile networking coverage, true hardcores can explore a full array of gameplay pleasures in real time from virtually any hotspot.

Having trouble catching a few winks on those long intercontinental flights? No problem. Fighting anxiety in crowded spaces? Relax. Family reunions creating too much drama? Time to change that channel. Simply plug in, turn on and tune out.

Promiscuous Paradise – The Game

Promiscuous Paradise is set in the pervasive world of Scabia, a lone inhabited continent on the orbiting moon of Kwell. Scabia is a 250,000 square mile island with rich topographical features and an unhibited, freedom-loving people. Its geography ranges from tropical beachfront to deep canyon, from lush rain forest to desert oasis, from purple mountains majesty to fruited plain, from small villa to bustling metropolis.

Characters are free to roam and adventure wherever they want in Scabia’s world which accomodates both PvE and PvP play styles. In fact the only instanced environments are special group encounter areas and high level raid party events. Dungeons in Promiscuous Paradise are elaborate, well endowed and stunning (literally), while our raids are the thing of legend. Both feature three modes of gameplay difficulty: virgin, fetish and hardcore.

Player Characters

Player characters in Promiscuous Paradise can be male, female or any combination of both and includes a limitless array of playable species. Custom evolution is also part of the game allowing characters to grow or attach working organs anywhere on their bodies.

The fundamentals of character creation begin with character class and alignment selection. Each character begins at level 1, and players must choose a class and a starting alignment for each character. The available character classes are:

Aggressor: dominant and physically imposing thrill seekers who both protect and conquer

Dallier: seduction specialists who call upon arcane magics and paranormal powers to get what they want

Provocateur: masters of stealth and martial finesse who specialize in unconventional techniques, spying and deception

After selecting their character’s class, players must then choose their character’s alignment. Proper alignment play awards additional experience as well as unlocking special bonuses which enhance the character’s effectiveness. Character alignments include:

EH: expensive and hard to get

EE: expensive but easy to get

CH: cheap but hard to get

CE: cheap and easy to get

In addition to class and alignment, all characters possess three components that determine their methods of game play: attributes, abilities and talents. Attributes comprise a character’s primary statistics that include Strength, Dexterity, Stamina, Intellect, Wisdom and Charisma. These attributes increase as a character levels up and weigh heavily with the character’s class. Abilities are skills and actions that a character performs in the game and are specific to their class. Talents are bonuses that a character gains which enable and increase advanced sub-class specializations.

During play a treasure trove of items, implements, gadgets, apparel and novelties await discovery. Some are generic while others are specific to a character’s class, as well as their attributes, abilities and talents. Crafting is also a large part of Promiscuous Paradise, where players can gather resources for the creation of myriad gameplay accoutrement, enhancements and pharmaceuticals. Crafting professions are separated into two categories: creation and gathering. Creation professions include Fabrication, Couturing, Lapidary, Imbuing and Pharmacology; while gathering professions include Salvaging, Foraging and Excavation.

Scabia first came to be inhabited when its home world of Cunningula nearly imploded under political strife. Conservatives began surreptitiously implementing their own laws banning the public display of sexual preference, while the Liberal party tried to undermine the Conservative’s self-proclaimed authority with unenforced threats of constitutional reference. Eventually both would freely engage in clandestine operations intended to subjugate the other.

After decades of putting up with this political unrest the Cunningular people had taken enough. But rather than revolt, they chose to seek subservience elsewhere and amongst themselves. Led by middle eastern philanthropist Mozez Carmichael, the expatriates formulated a migration plan. Mozez consulted the world’s brightest and most politically incorrect minds (kind of the same thing) who presented him with two framed documents outlining their 10 fundamentals of sensual transcendence.

This council was spearheaded by Sir Branson Rogue, son of a knighted genius and record company / airline mogul who singlehandedly founded the planet’s space tourism industry. Tapping into many of the world’s anti-capitalism insurgency networks for funding, Carmichael contracted Rogue’s chief architect Noah Thingertu and his exoatmospheric vehicle development team to construct a reusable space cargoliner. Led by Mozez, a mass exodus of Cunningulars to the promised land began once the fleet was christened.

However, home world hard line factions deemed the exodus a facial affront and spun the revolution into political vendetta. In retaliation they formed Anal Retentive Spy & Espionage teams, holing up their best scientists to create an STD called Cumsphyxia. While nonlethal, Cum is a mild libido inhibitor that when imbibed can strangulate both the male and female gonadal systems. To undermine Scabia’s promiscuous way of life, Cum-carrying ARSE expeditionary forces called Penetrators were dispatched to infiltrate cracks in Scabian leadership and plant these seeds of diabolical growth.

Blending into the wanton masses, ARSE Penetrator efforts went largely undetected until Tryst, Mozez’s daughter and a master shadow nymph, contracted Cum on a swing excursion. Sensing danger, Mozez and Rogue swung into action themselves forming Scabia’s underground Penetrator Eradication Network & Intelligence Service. For a brief period PENIS incursions were able to stuff ARSE offensives which allowed Rogue time to assemble his best scientists and engineers. Together they masterminded not only a Cum soothing agent for Tryst, but an impressive arsenal as well.

The era of Fluid Transfer Wars has officially begun, but this time the people aren’t running. Armed with Rogue technology and an eclectic array of weapons & defenses to compliment engaging forms of close quarters carnal combat – the previously placid but proud people of Promiscuous Paradise are now pissing more than just vinegar. They are ready for some action…

As futuristically insane as this coffee-induced hallucination might seem – it really isn’t that far away. In fact the 7G timeline I used may turn out to be overkill. The Cyber Sex Suit pictured on the left is a prototype that went operational when Clinton was still in office. As I write this communities of practice are forming to make teledildonics a mainstream commodity, and engineering task forces are already convening to spec out the needed cloud infrastructure. I wonder if the telemedicine industry is paying attention?

Oh yeah, the firm I did the investigative work for? While questioning my MO somewhat they were quite satisfied with the results. The attorneys and paralegals who compiled and meticulously studied every piece of material I uncovered never flinched during their reviews – not even once. What troopers! Guess I should rethink how I feel about lawyers, since deep down they seem to be just misunderstood philanthropists doing a tough job.