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Tuesday, September 15, 2009

A best friend that I used to have back 2 years ago left...Never contacted me, spoke to me, came to see me even when he moved back to the same town as me. I never wanted anything to do with him if he wasn't going to make the effort to keep our friendship intact.

Well he contacted me. I was thinking "oh yeah, what's he want this time?" but all he wanted to do was set things straight and try and pick up our friendship. When he came over it was like we picked up where we left off, it was like he was still part of my family. Kinda funny when things like that happen.

Glad to see him and catch up. 2 years is a long time, but obviously not to late. :)

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Normal teenage life right? Wrong. There are people out there that have experienced what I've gone through but the amount of people that have are very few. I never thought I would be the one who would have such big complications in my life, but then again everyone thinks that at some point right?

It all started way before I could remember. I didn't realize that it was happening all throughout my life until now. Where to start with it all is the big question. I guess I'll just write it how I saw and felt and you can try and understand from there.

It was 2007 in October. My mother was one of those mothers that were just a little over the top when it came to protecting their one and only child. I was never really allowed to do anything, I felt like I was trapped, Locked away in a jail cell and the only way to get away from it all was to lock myself in my bedroom.

I knew at the time that mum was on medication, I thought it was for her continuous headaches and what other drama she had. She always thought that she was sick, "Hunni I have this, I have that." one real hypochondriac, a real attention seeker. She always complained about her medication being the reason why she can't loose weight. (Dad and I knew the real reason was because she was pure lazy. We were her slaves) So she decided to go off the meds. All hell broke loose.

I remember it was the weekend of my supervisors going away party. Just before the big shindig I went downstairs for some reason. I found my mother in hysterics and dad trying to comfort her. When I either seen my mum or dad cry I automatically start to feel their pain too. Mum was saying something about how she didn't want to go back to that place again, that she was scared. That's when she laid her eyes on me. She told me to go get her phone book, I couldn't understand why but I did what I was told. She started to look through it and with each page more sobs escaped of her mouth. She had a confused expression on her face, we asked her what was wrong. That's when she started yelling at us,

"Someone has gone through this and changed the names and numbers! They are all wrong."

"But Sarah* it's in your writing, you changed them."

"No no no NO NO!!"

It was all to much for me at the time. I ran upstairs rang my supervisor and asked if I could stay the night. Thankgod she said yes. So I fled to her place for the night to forget about it all.

The next day I went to work. Good to get my mind off the strange event that happened the previous day. Dad was at work so my mother was there in the car waiting for me so she could take me home. I got in the car and was silent, I was scared. She was eating hot chips and gravy, she offered to me but I silently declined. She then rested her hand on my leg and told me not to worry and that she was fine. I believed her and we made a journey home. Dad had gotten home from work, I was already frustrated from mum making me do so much housework. As soon as dad placed one foot in the doorway mum had set him to work as well. I dragged dad to the back room and told him I couldn't handle it anymore and that I didn't understand why he was letting her treat us like this. This was the first real argument that dad and I had, it killed me.

"We can't let her treat us like this!"

"What do you want me to do? Send her away?"

"Yeah a couple of weeks would be nice!"

"Katie*, it won't be just a couple of weeks I'm talking about, I mean sending her away forever."

"Dad I don't care, I seriously don't give a shit"

It was four days before my 15th birthday. I had just gotten out of bed to get ready for school. I made my way into the lounge and dad was just walking out the door to go to work. Mum seemed fine at the time, all happy and what not, i was still upset with her. As soon as dad left I asked mum if she had received the text messages I sent the night before. She didn't know what I was talking about. She asked if I could take the rubbish out for her, so I obeyed. When I made my way back into the house mum had met me at the door, she has a baby picture of me in her hand. I looked into her eyes, they were full of fiery anger. She held up the picture and said,

"Don't play fucking games with me! Or.."

She tore the photo into tiny pieces and discarded them into the bin; As i saw the pieces fall I could literally feel my heart tearing with them. I lost it, i went inside and got my things for school and asked me.

And I walked out, with my heart broken, my face covered in tears. I walked to school still not understanding that why mum has been acting like this the past couple of weeks. I rang dad because I didn't know what else to do. I was broken, barely able to walk. He said he would try sort something out, just try and get through the day of school. I went to work that afternoon. It was a hard day to get through, a million thoughts going through my head, my heart hurting with every beat, like a stabbing knife. My Auntie (mum sister) picked me up from work. I was confused but was happy to see her. We got home, I was expecting mum and dad to be there fighting, but I heard silence. Mum had left, dad gave her a choice to get help and to start taking her medication again or to leave...she left...

That day was the last day I ever talked to my mum. The day she broke my heart...

Life still went on and it was still a living hell. Mum only lasted two days on her own in the real world. Then she ended up in a mental institution. When mum was sent back home dad helped her get settled into a place where she could live. I wasn't allowed to go home after school as mum would be there. I'm glad dad made me stay at a mates house because when I come home there would be broken glass on the floor. The broken glass shards reminded me of my broken heart, still trying to beat its way through each day.

The phone calls were the hardest part of trying to get my life on track. Every 5 minutes mum would ring and she would be happy, asking us how our day is and that she is missing us. Within the next 5 minutes there would be another ring. This time mum was going off her head in rage telling us to get fucked and that she will never forgive us. It still hurts.

Things at school weren't getting any easier.. I was sitting in English and everyone kept looking at me. I was looking around paranoid. I was brought to tears, they all knew.. I found out that day when Kylie* told me about the newspaper article in the paper.

"I want to thank my sister and the local ambulance. To all those who are tiptoeing around me, stop I'm trying to get on with my life."

My world fell apart, everyone knew, and they were looking at me differently. I was now a freak. I was now her....

I had enough of it, I had to do something... I couldn't handle all this drama, all this pain. The hospital said that her condition was just an attention problem. I knew that it was she was mentally sick.. she needed help and it looked like I was going to be the one to get it for her. I marched up to Andrea* the head nurse of the hospital and said that my mother needs help. The next day mum was sent to the institute again.

When she cam back she was still calling us.. It was stressing both dad and I out. The threats were getting worse. That when dad made the biggest decision of all, to place a Domestic Violence Order against her. This was put into place for two years. After that it all stopped, I haven't seen or spoken to her.

The DVO is still in place today, there is only 2 months until it is lifted. I'm scared of what will happen when she knows that she can contact me again. I physically and mentally cannot trust her anymore. She will never be the same person again. I never want anyone to go through what I had to endure. Schizophrenia is a serious illness and I strongly advise anyone who knows they might have the condition or they know of someone who has it so get help!!