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02. March 2017

Sessions Is Now Putin's Prosecutor General

THE KREMLIN — With all the controversy surrounding Attorney General Jeff Sessions, it came as no great surprise this morning to associate solitary reporter Foma Kheroshonsky to find Sessions
standing with Russian President Vladimir Putin as Putin proudly announced that Sessions is now his very own Prosecutor General.

“Donald Trump and I are so close, so similar, we share the same values,” Putin began, “that it only made sense to exchange Attorney Generals on a permanent basis.”

“Mr. Trump is very good at lying,” Putin continued, “and so is Jeff here; and we here in Russia have long since perfected the art of deception, and hacking into other countries’ elections in
pursuit of our goal of world domination, that for us, lying is mere child’s play.”

Sessions’ wife, Mary, wasn’t so sure about the sudden move from Washington to Moscow. “Ah’m from Mobile, Alabama,” she told Kheroshonsky, “so Ah’m not used to the winters they got here. But Jeff
is mah man and I’ll go with him wherever he goes.”

For his part, Sessions said he is thrilled to be the most important person in Russia’s judicial system. “Let me put it this way,” he began, “Russia has 11 time zones, while the continental United
States only has three.”

Asked by Kheroshonsky whether he has any plans to recommend to Putin to take back Alaska from the United States, Sessions said he hadn’t given it much thought, but that it was definitely worthy
of consideration.

Sessions replaces Putin’s Prosecutor General, Yury Chaika, who has been nominated by Trump to succeed Sessions. The nomination will go to both the Senate Judiciary Committee, chaired by Iowa’s
Chuck Grassley, and the Senate Intelligence Committee, chaired by North Carolina’s Richard Burr.

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson was not consulted about the swap of Sessions with Chaika.