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Monday, October 31, 2005

TIME TO GET NAKED!!!

TIME TO GET NAKED!!!!From Alesia, celebrating Release Day!

The Naked Truth, What do "being Pygmalioned" and evil fortune cookies of death have in common?

Today is that happiest of writer days, Book Release Day. This is the day that you get to relax, stop working, and drag your protesting children to the bookstore to Oooh and Ahhh over your newest release on the shelves. With your name on it. Naturally, having carried your little darlings for TEN MONTHS in your womb, they will be properly appreciative:

[AT HOME]Me: It’s Release Day.Them: Not again! Didn’t we just do this?Me: That was in July. Don’t you want to see Mommy’s book?Them: Emily’s Mom bakes cookies. Why don’t you bake cookies?Me: I’ll BUY you a cookie at the bookstore.

[AT BOOKSTORE]Them: Okay, we saw it. Can we go to the kids’ section now?Me: You didn’t say Ooooh and Ahhhh.Them: Oooh, Ahh. Can we go to the kids’ section now?

A Guy may not be able to remember your birthday or your mother’s name, even after you’ve been dating for six or seven years* [*see: Guys as Commitmentphobes], but he remembers every stat of every player currently active in the NFL, NBA, and the European soccer league.

Plus all the stats for players who retired twenty years ago, and even those for players who are, in fact, dead.

This is nothing personal, it’s just how the Guy brain works. In every official medical pie chart of Guy Brains, as designed by actual brain doctors, you will see a breakdown like this:

25% Completely useless trivia, like the fact that Popeye said “Open, Sez Me” instead of “Open Sesame” in a cartoon he once watched twenty years ago;

18% Job-related stuff, like which VP at his office has the best handicap and should be schmoozed up before the annual company golf scramble.

53% Arcane sports stats, like how many times his favorite pitcher scratches his crotch before throwing a curve ball; and, finally:

4% Relationship issues. But, before you get excited, this includes every relationship he’s ever had, including the biggies, like with his dog Sparky back in sixth grade. Therefore, the actual percentage of a Guy brain that is focused on you and your relationship at any given time is approximately .0001.

Until next time, remember: Guys! At least they’re good for the sports questions in Trivial Pursuit.***********

And also remember, it's Book Release Day!! So, you know, please buy the book! Ooohing and aaahhhing challenged nature aside, I still have to feed the little darlings . . .

In honor of Book Release Day, this week I'll be giving away 5 copies of my holiday anthology, SHOP 'TIL YULE DROP, to five randomly-chosen people who e-mail me at alesia@alesiaholliday.com with BOOK RELEASE DAY in the subject line. Good luck!!

hugs,

Alesia, who still oohs and ahhhs, even on her 9th (counting collections) book. I LOVE this job!!!

And please visit me online at my website!! I'd much rather answer reader mail than work . . .