Literary Value:
Surprisingly good neo-Kafka-esque writing. Snaps for cutting it
off after Village Green Preservation Society. Sleaze Factor: Medium to High Favorite Page: Ray tries to arrange a marriage
between his pesky younger brother Dave and the real David Watts,
a retired military man.

"I asked the Major if he fancied Mick.
He said, `Oh God, no, not that slut. I'm more interested in that
little whore,' and pointed to Dave, who was dancing with Mick.
Then various members of the regional constabulary and other local
dignitaries arrived to join in the impromptu festivities which,
by some strange coincidence, were without women, in drag or
otherwise. After downing half a bottle of Pinkers, I decided that
positive action should be taken. I seized the moment and started
negotiations with the Major for my brother's hand, thinking that
he would be outraged at this suggestion and have us thrown out.
Was he actually interested? Or was he just playing along? Here
was an opportunity of finally unloading my little brother."

Kink by Dave Davies

Literary Value: Good
straight forward expository writing for the first two thirds,
then he is visited by flying saucers and it all goes to heck. Sleaze Factor: Starts of very high then dips Favorite Passage: Dave's take on David Watts

"The transformation in our host, David
Watts, was truly the most extraordinary. This smart,
tough-looking disciplinarian type had, by the continued use of
alcohol and hashish, gone through a staggering metamorphosis.
Before our eyes this pillar of the community had become a
delightfully funny, witty, flagrantly eccentric and flamboyant
homosexual. With arms flailing theatrically in the air as he
danced and pranced, Watts stole kisses from his police friends at
every opportunity. His facial muscles flexed into absurd and
contorted expressions that would not have been out of place in a
Fellini film...David (Watts) took me aside to a quiet corner for
a chat. He was extremely drunk. He leered lustfully at me through
his big doggy watery eyes. He invited me upstairs to a small gym
that he had built alongside his bedroom and asked me to work out
on his exercise bicycle. I seized the opportunity like a true
prick-teaser.

"As I cycled and sweated and sweated,
I could sense that David was reaching the perspiring limits of
self-control. Now I understood how women felt when being leched
at by some perverse and dirty old man. It was quite an
interesting feeling of power. I must admit. After some strategic
maneuvering by David, we ended up in a full and deep embrace, his
arms wrapped around me like a seething octopus."

I was amazed as when he reached into the
trunk of my brand-new car and pulled out that life-sized
inflatable plastic mannequin.

"What do you think?" he asked,
holding it in the air like a giant trophy. I didn't know what to
say. The thing was as big as he was, and it was dressed in a pair
of his best pants and a freshly ironed shirt. In fact, the thing
looked exactly like Phil in every way, except that its knees were
bent in a permanent sitting position. "Well," I said.
"It's you, right?" He nodded his head.
"C'mon," he said. "Is it perfect or what?"
"Yeah. Its...really..." I paused, wracking my brain for
the right word. "Perfect. But, Phil. What is it supposed
to do?"

"I'll show you," he said. I watched in utter amazement
as he walked to the passenger door, opened it, and carefully
placed the inflatable Phil in the bucket seat. Then he fastened a
seat belt across the guy's lap, straightened its shirt collar,
and adjusted the cloth hat that sat on top of the thing's pink
plastic head. "There," he said, stepping back.
"Oh, wait," he added. "Almost forgot the finishing
touch."

Then he ran back over to the inflatable
man, pulled out a cigarette, and fitted it into the thing's
mouth. Finally, he slammed the door and stood back.
"Tah-daah!" he said, turning to me with a crooked
little smile. "What do you think?"

"It's great, Phil," I said, and I
wasn't lying. Sitting there like that this plastic guy really did
look almost real. "But I still don't get it," I said.
"Why do I want it to look like there's somebody in the car
with me when there isn't?"

"Don't you get it?" he asked in a
tone of voice that made me feel like I must've missed something.
"It's for when you're driving alone." I still looked
completely confused, so he spelled it out for me. "Now
nobody will fuck with you when you're driving alone."

So that was it. Phil had actually gone to
the trouble of making a dummy of himself to watch over me when he
wasn't around. I was wondering if he'd gone insane as I watched
him make a few last-minute adjustments in the tilt of the guy's
hat. He really was proud of his little masterpiece.

"Buddy liked Angel. He was a wild boy
for the women. One time we were playing at the Paramount Theater
and Buddy came into my dressing room while I was jacking off with
Angel sucking my titty. Angel had the fastest tongue in the West.
Well, she was doing that to me and Buddy took out his thing. He
was ready, so she opened up her legs and he put it in her. He was
having sex with Angel, I was jacking off, and Angel was sucking
me, when they introduced his name on stage! He was trying to rush
so he could run on stage. He made it, too. He finished and went
to the stage still fastening himself up. I'll never forget that.
He came and he went."

"Just as his infallible antennae had
failed to warn him of the underminer in Tunica, so did the $265
James paid to lift his `jinks of death' fail to alleviate his
condition. In early 1965, he became a patient at D.C. General
Hospital. To James' horror, he was castrated after doctors
discovered his tumor was cancerous."

Great Balls of Fire: The Uncensored Story of Jerry Lee Lewis
by Myra Gail Lewis with Murray Silver

Sleaze Factor: Way up
there Favorite Passage: Paul Anka meets the Killer

"I never hadda beer before," Paul
commented to his friends.
"Do tell," said Jay (Brown), winking at the others.
"Well, you'd like it."
"Looks good," Paul said thirstily.
"Is good," said Jay. "I think we can find you a
glass."
"Oh, no," Paul protested, "I gotta sing tonight.
I'm the headliner, you know. I'll just have a Coke."
"The headliner?" Jerry hollered from the end of the
bench.
"That's right." Paul flashed his toothy grin.
"No Cokes," said Jerry. "they ain't been invented
here yet. Alls they serve here is beer."
"How about milk?"
"Sure, if you can stomach the stuff. It comes from
kangaroos."

The boys cracked up over that one. Warming to the occasion, Paul
decided to join them in just one beer.

"Go on now, Paul," Jerry prompted. "Ain't nothin'
in it to hurt ya. They give it to babies."

Paul took bird sips at the mug, managing to suck down some of the
suds. Finding nothing objectionable about the taste, he took a
long, steady drink.

"Like it?" Jay asked.
"Yeah, boy," Paul squeaked.
"Good. Have another. They got plenty."
"I feel pretty good," Paul braved after finishing his
first beer.
"Loosens up the vocal cords, " Jerry stated.
"It does?" Paul asked in amazement.
"Absolutely. Wouldn't go on without a coupla beers first.
Right, Jay?"
"Right. J'ever notice how sometimes you'll get up there to
sing an' your throat gets tight an' you can't hit them high
notes? Beer fixes all that." Jay smiled, getting up to fetch
another bucket. After two more trips to the window, the boys were
glad all over, having led impressionable Paul down the path to
blue ruin.

"Come on, Paul," Jerry said, "I'll drive you
around a spell so you can sober up. You boys go on back to the
hotel an' I'll look after Anchor here."

Jerry poured Paul into the rental car and took off into the
Australian countryside. Paul clutched his stomach and doubled
over. When next he opened his eyes, he found himself in the
middle of nowhere. There was no recognizable landmark, only dense
brush and few open spaces.

"What're we stoppin' for?" Paul
asked dizzily.

"We're stoppin' here `cause I'm gonna
kill you," Jerry joked with a straight face. "No one
will ever know what happened to Paul Anchor. They'll never find
you, there'll be no one to blame. They'll jus' think you've run
off with the kangaroos."

Paul got sick. It was time for the prank to
end. Jerry drove Paul to the hotel, where he ran upstairs to his
room and stayed there. That night, the emcee informed the
capacity crown that the headliner was unable to perform due to
illness. For the rest of the week, for the rest of his life, Paul
Anka kept a great distance from the Killer.

Last Train to Memphis: The Rise of Elvis Presley by Peter Guarlnick

Sleaze Factor: Not much
but what it's got is great Favorite Passage: Elvis meets Ira Louvin

Elvis was hanging around the dressing room
with the Louvins, singing hymns and playing the piano when, in
the recollection of Ira's younger brother, Charlie, "Elvis
said, `Boy, this is my favorite music.' Well, Ira walked up and
said, `Why, you white nigger, if that's your favorite music, why
don't you do that out yonder? Why do you do that nigger trash out
there?' Presley said, `When I'm out there, I do what they want to
hear æ when I'm back here, I can do what I want to do.'"
Ira flashed and "tried to strangle him," according to
Charlie, "and they were very distant from that point
on."

Nico - The Life and Times of an Icon by Richard Witts

Sleaze Factor: Off the
chart
Favorite Passage: Fun with Nico and Brian Jones

(Too disgusting to reprint. Consult Pages
106-107 ed.)

Under a Hoodoo
Moon
by Dr. John (Mac Rebennack) with Jack Rummel

Sleaze Factor: Wow!
Favorite Passage: Past jobs

"When I had my bullshit pimping
operation, I tried an abortion business on the side with this
doctor, whom I'll call Joe. Joe once told me he used to do
abortions for women in a concentration camp in Europe. After the
war, he had skipped to the States and ended up in New Orleans,
where he stuck with the hustle he knew best. It was part of my
job to get rid of the bodies of the little babies. Joe would give
me a package with a baby inside, and I'd take it to the
Seventeenth Street drainage canal and throw it in. For years, I
used to have nightmares about the bodies of these little babies
floating around in the water."

The Hound can be heard the second
Saturday of each month on WFMU from 3-6PM. He lives & loves in
NYC