Here’s a love story you don’t hear often: Boy meets girl. Boy and girl get married. Girl finds out her 48-year-old husband is cheating on her with a woman who’s only two years older than his daughter. Boy and girl divorce and live in separate countries, both hopefully having learned something about love and loss. Girl receives poem from boy’s bright young thing. Girl sends boy a steaming pile of horse shit.

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Amanda Chatel, who documented her tale of loss and feces on YourTango, writes that she knows that sending her ex horse poop puts her directly into the “crazy” category. And while Chatel recognizes that her actions might have been a tad extreme—I tend to disagree, as receiving a poem from the person your husband left you seems far worse than feces—she says it could have been much worse: before she took to Google to find revenge, she’d considered sending her own poop through the mail. This, by the way, is considered a criminal offense. You know what’s not a criminal offense, though? Having someone ship poop for you.

...after a bit of research, I came across, Sh*texpress, a website that provided the exact service I needed. For less than $20, I could send a delightful care package of horse sh*t to anyone in the world. It was an anonymous service, although something tells me that when he opens it, it won’t be very anonymous.

As I stared at the website with a maniacal grin of The Joker across my face, I wish I could say I paused for just the briefest of seconds before placing my order, but I didn’t. In my mind, horse sh*t pales in comparison to what these two clowns had done, so screw it.

I typed my credit card in, patted myself on the back, then cried, threw up, screamed, and cried some more for the next few days.