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Thursday, December 9, 2010

EXCLUSIVE!!! "Deep Throat" SEEKERVILLE MAID TELLS ALL!!!

An honorable profession, as old as time. Treat them well because they always know too much...

Breaking news from Seekerville!

Our cub reporter Ruthy "The Yank" Herne went undercover and locked in the first of several interviews with Helga Helgensbottem, the gal that keeps things moving and shaking (don't ask), neat and tidy (except for Janet's rooms, there's really no need for a maid there... which gives Helga more time in The Yank's section. Totally necessary.)

Remember folks, you saw it here FIRST (and last, most likely) the interview you've all been waiting for. And if you weren't waiting, seriously, pretend you were. My hormones are all over the place and I cry easy, okay????

"So, Helga," I ask, assuming a totally normal-for-Ruthy non-confrontational tone, "you’ve been working for the Seekers for how long now?"

“Yah, It's been three years, give or take, and such a lovely bunch of gals they are, bless their hearts…” (If you remember the Swedish Chef on The Muppets, "Bork! Bork! Chickie Chickie!" use the feminine version of his voice for a more realistic Helga.)

The minute Helga uttered the words “bless their hearts” I knew the Seekers were in BIG TROUBLE…

But being a cub reporter, I went underground, changed my identity, dyed my hair and put on some really great glasses to FOOL HER into thinking she was being interviewed by a big-splash-grocery-store-checkout tabloid…

.

For big bucks, of course. Amazing how a little cold, hard cash loosens the lips. So here you have it, the one-on-one uncensored (Are you kidding me??? If you believe that, I’ve got some prime swampland in Florida ripe for development…. Just sign here.) story as told to me by Helga Helgensbottem, the FORMER maid of Seekerville:

.

"Garbage says so much, so, yah! Bein’ the cleanin’ woman for Seekerville and the only upstairs maid on Unpubbed Island, I see my share of tings, that's for certain! Now take my Miss Myra, such a sweet girl, so prim, so proper, so very pristine, a lady in all respects and kind to animals, too, but I've got just two very bitty words to tell you about Miss Myra: pink cheetah."

Ooo, la la!

Helga straightens her hair a smidge and shakes her head in disbelief. "Yah, indeed, and I'll be saying no more about that particular subject. For the moment."

.

Interesting. I lean forward, an eyebrow thrust up, then I realize I look ridiculous and sit back. But I still look ridiculous so I hunch forward again. There's a reason Ted Koppel did this so well. The trench coat helps. Helga continues, a cup of Earl Grey tea clutchedin her pale, pasty hands.

.

"Now that Pam, yah, she’s a good un’, allus on top o’ things, workin’ hard, and Itell her, I say, “Pamela, lose the eye hardware, girlfriend, let those glams shine the way the Good Lord intended,” but that one is allus too busy workin' her heart out on hard drives and spreadsheets the likes of which I have not seen, no, but then I’m too busy to be playing on the Internet, such a waste of good time and money. Wooden shoes have gotten pricey and windmills aren't exactly cheap you know. But luckily, dirndl skirts have come back in style, no?"

Umm, no. Except in a costume shop. I pretend acquiescence, because dirndl skirts haven't been in style for a century and a half, but I'm undercover and must appear fascinated.

.

"Now Miss Melissa's a fine, young thing, married to the preacher man an’ all,, a southern gentle woman to the core, yah? Sure, an' she's got those pretty little hands of hers, just so dainty, tender and kind ‘round most anythin’ that breathes. What that sweet, gentle woman goes through to make her characters shine like a church chalice on a spring Sunday mornin’ is painful, but she does it so well."

.

Okay. Yawn. Gag. Booooorring! “Does Miss Melissa have a propensity for pink cheetah as well?” She shoots me a look as though I’m whacked.

“Not our Miss Melissa! Proper southern women would not be thinking such a thing, ‘though if you saw the new paisley purse she’s luggin’ ‘round these days, you’d think there might be somethin’ other than white or black in her unmentionables drawer, but you won’t hear that from me.

My job is to help my gals, lookin’ out for them, takin’ care not to blab all their secrets!. Sweet as pie they are, ceptin’ that Yank, why she’s got a set o’ lungs on her like fingers on a blackboard, and I tell her, “Miss Ruthy, should you be talkin' like this all the time, yah? How can you ever listen?” And she just laughs and waves her hand which is answer enough right there, ‘cause Miss Ruthy, she's not one to listen. No indeed, she’s too busy blaming poor Miss Mary for pretty much everything that might ever go wrong, but," she leans closer.

So do I...

"I did hear her mention how she loves Mary’s black skirt and that seemed so charitable, because anyone who’s seen Miss Mary’s black skirt knows it came over on the Mayflower, possibly before. And it's a sad commentary on our times, but they just don’ make linen like they used to, do they?”

Helga takes a long sip of Earl Gray, her gaze trained on the island, contemplating, so I use the segue she provided to ask about Mary...

Hahahahahahahahaha!

Instantly, Helga looks troubled and I perk up because this can only mean one thing: MORE DIRT ON CONNEALY.

“Now that Miss Mary, she says she’s shy, oh she shouts that from the mountaintops, we hear it day and night, how she likes bein’ alone, being tucked away, out of sight, but then she is from Nebraska, so you don’t get much more tucked away than that, but it does seem that every time I turn around there’s someone on the phone wantin’ to talk to her, a book club, a radio show, a bill collector…

Yah, now our Miss Deb, she's a lady through and through, and her family, so nice and strong, so patriotic and I was sure I’d never find anything objectionable in her waste basket, but then I checked her dresser drawers….

And had to head across the way and check Miss Myra’s drawers again, in case I’d mixed up the laundry, but I did a quick double check on the size tags, and no, everything was in the right drawers but who would have thought pink cheetah was all the rage in Seekerville?

Not me, but then where's a Yank going to find pink cheetah? Obviously they're indigenous to latitudes below the Mason-Dixon line. We've got some mangy coyotes up here, but I haven't been thinking of wearing them. Not since I got that second contract, anyway. “Helga, let’s cut to the chase. What about Julie? You’ve read her books, right?”

A hint of guilt crosses the young maid’s features. “She said it was okay to read ‘em.”

Helga snorts like she’s never heard anything quite so funny, then leans forward, a busy finger tapping the air.

“I can tell you why she writes such real romantic scenes an’ all, but she had me sign a paper when I first come to Seekerville, sayin’ I'd be discreet, that I'd never tell, no way, no how. Yah, and when that cute husband o’ hers comes visiting, the Do Not Disturb sign appears and DOESN’T LEAVE THE DOORKNOB FOR DAYS.”

Undercover Ruthy gulps and decides she better schedule a complete physical for her and her darling husband of 37 years.

“Days?” she chokes.

Helga gives a firm nod. “ Oh, at least. Yah, and it's a fine example they make, married all that time and so in love.”

Note to self: Patent and bottle whatever it is that makes Julie Lessman tick. It will be worth a fortune!!!

“Now food,”Helga continues, a good thing, because Undercover Ruthy LOVES food.“Yah, you would assume that these gals work themselves down to nothing the way they stash food like furrrrrry vittle squirrels. Many a time I've had to chase seagulls out of those huts. And yah, they are messy birds and all over our fine Island this time of year, but I hear tell that Miss Pam has her eye on a great condo ‘cross the way on the mainland with room enough for all her electronics and wifi’s and whose-a-ma-jiggies…

“Yah, but they keep a fine supply on hand, just in case. Now and again there's one of those phone calls from New York or Boston or Minneapolis. How one phone call can send a room full of women into a feedin’ frenzy is beyond me, but, yah! It happens all the time. They eat when they are happy. They eat when they are sad. They eat if one gets a bad call or a bad review, they eat if they get good calls and good reviews. There’s no figuring it out.”

Undercover Ruthy’s got nothin’ because, well… Helga's spot on.

“Helga, I—”

Helga lifts her arm, reads her watch, springs to her feet, and heads for the door, her dirndl swishing as she moves. “I gotta go. Miss Cara’s on her way in from Florida and a sweeter gal you never did see. I need to get her room ready.”

“I heard Miss Ruthy’s coming in tonight too," I say, hoping to urge some form of positive nugget from her, something in The Yank's favor.

Hah.

She sniffed out loud. "Her room's as ready as it will ever be while I'm here, after all those terrible things she says about our precious Mary. Why, Miss Mary even slips me a little extra to short-sheet Ruthy's bed. And glue her toothpaste cap closed."

(Like that’s a surprise.) “But Helga, we haven’t even mentioned some of the gals…”

“Yah, you come again and ve vill talk more,” she promises. “Miss Cara always brings me fresh food from Florida and little bottles of soap she takes from other hotels. She’s such a sweetheart.”

Helga hurries away, and Undercover Ruthy examines the interview. She’d have loved to gotten the dish on those other Seekers from Ms. Helgenbottem's point of view, but wait!

Helga promised a ‘next time’… Which meant her job was guaranteed until Undercover Ruthy uncovers all the facts.

But first and foremost, they'd be getting the 'skinny' on Julie’s vitamin regime. And maybe dirndl isn't all that bad, after all!

And, per commenter request and vivid imaginations, we may have just the thing for our Jules!!!

And here it is:

Okay, not pink but this WILL suffice and lends hope that pink IS available!

Hey, leave a comment or guffaw or whatever you choose (nice, of course!) and I'll tuck you in for a most delightful drawing for Tina's debut novel "The Rancher's Reunion" or Audra's debut novel "Rocky Mountain Cowboy".

But the poor maids don't get as much power in the gossip department anymore, seeing as people like to put themselves on reality TV shows or youtube or wherever else they can. Poor maids :) What will they do in this century? Maybe sell their stories to the tabloids and get so much money they can start their own reality TV shows :)

And when you bottle and patent whatever it is Julie's got, let the rest of us invest before you go public, would ya?

I won Rocky Mountain something the other day - I thought it was Hero not Cowboy though. Am I getting things mixed up or are there two different books? Or is it late and I'm tired?

I did ask a nursing student friend about perfecting that caffeine drip and she proceeded to tell me it's impossible. However, she did say that a caffeine PATCH would work, so here's a stack of caffeine patches and if Unpubbed Island is anything like the LOST island where things work a bit differently, here's an IV drip as well.

Excellent investigative reporting from Undercover Ruthy! When's Helga Helgensbottem's tell-all book coming out? And how long will we have to wait for part 2 of this story? . . . I'm sure folks will have fun with this all day long. Wonder how many comments there'll be on this post by the end of the day . . . Thanks for making us smile today! reneeasmith61 [at] yahoo [dot] com

And you're actually in two books, a lovely principal character in both. Thanks for being so inspiring. You rock.

And I'm excited this week because we just completed the art work (no, even Helga doesn't know this yet because SHE NEVER CLEANS MY ROOMS... BUT SHE SPENDS DOUBLE TIME IN MARY'S, KEEPING THE LONER (oh, please) COMPANY.

Dear saints be praised.

Anyway:

Book Four of the Men of Allegany County series:

(drumroll please!!!)

YULETIDE HEARTS, December 2011

Oh, happy days are here again,The skies are gonna' clear again!Let's sing a song of cheer again!Happy days are here again!

Love how these gals celebrate with food, Helen... I mean Helga... when a phone call comes in. That cracks me up. Must be lotsa snackin' going on these days with publishers hanging out here to see what the Seekers are up to.

LOL!!! OMIGOSH, "Deep Throat" -- LOVE IT!!! Herne, you are SUCH a hoot, and sweet Helga?? All this time I thought she was this shy, little thing that never said "boo." Just goes to show how the right person can corrupt anybody!

But no fair, Ruthy, you are SUCH a tease 'cause I want the scoop on EVERYBODY -- NOW!!!

And what Miss Helga said about me?? "Yah, and when that cute husband o’ hers comes visiting, the Do Not Disturb sign appears and DOESN’T LEAVE THE DOORKNOB FOR DAYS.”

That's right, and I got one word for you: JAG. So get your mind out of the gutter!! :)

KC and Kirsten, thank you!!! Don't you just love that name "Yuletide Hearts"????

Pam Hillman came up with that one and Melissa and Rachel loved it.

Me, too.

And it's such a heartwarming story of proving yourself (him) and accepting yourself (her).

Women have WAY too many doubts, you know? We're such.... women. ;)

And Callie Burdick in Yuletide Hearts (you meet her in the earlier stories, which is why I love working in series... My brain loves series stories. My belly loves chocolate.) is a great gal, a single mom because her husband walked out on her to forge a perfect life with a perfect, petite gal in Boston...

A former cheerleader, OF COURSE...

But God's got a great hand of putting the right opportunities on our doorstep at the right time. If we're not too stubborn and opinionated to see them.

We've had snow here for a week. Parts (like I-90 in Buffalo) got several feet... We've got about 18 inches and still falling... Andrea's in the hill country and probably beats my total hands down.

Rose, CAN I TELL YOU ABOUT IT????

:) BIG HUGE GRIN....

I can, but then I have to kill you.

Sorry, couldn't resist, I love to say that.

Bad boy Matt Cavanaugh has turned his life around with the help of his late grandfather. Now a successful contractor in a rough economy, Matt comes back home when he invests all of his money in buying a half-built subdivision, the former contractor a victim of the housing bubble burst and Crohn's disease.

But when Matt's closing takes longer than anticipated, time works against him. It's mid-November and many of the area's construction workers have headed south for the winter, his roofing subcontractor is restructuring under the bankruptcy laws and Matt has no choice but to ask Hank Marek, the former owner of the half-built neighborhood, to crew for him.

When Hank Marek and his daughter Callie and a few of Hank's old military buddies start crewing for Matt Cavanaugh, they know two things: Matt Cavanaugh may have been a bad boy back in the day, but now he's a one tough but fair contractor.

And two, they're fighting the clock to get these lovely homes roofed and enclosed before the weather turns bad. And when the code enforcement officer suspects that Matt's living on site illegally, Hank covers for Matt by offering him a room in their home.

Divorced mom Callie Burdick's had a tough enough time staying immune to Matt's great smile, those broad hands, his attention to detail...

But can she remain aloof while Matt teaches her son Jake what it's like to have a gentle man to toss him in the air? To take him skating and sledding? To furnish a fresh turkey and cut down a Christmas tree?

But when the bank that foreclosed on Hank is cited for robo-signing, Hank stands to regain his beautiful subdivision and Matt's future becomes uncertain.

Will the former bad boy of Allegany County fight to keep what he paid for? Or will he succumb to a system that's never done him any favors in the past?

So there's a taste of it, without some interesting twists that will take you down their pasts, their presents and secrets that never should have been kept.

Uh, wait, no, I'm sorry!!! Really, we need you around here. Seekerville is such a mess. How much will it take to keep you around? (And your mouth shut???)

Of course, if you want to blab Ruthy's secrets next time, that would be perfectly okay. I mean, how could you NOT KNOW that was her--I mean, SHE (sorry, Grammar Queen)--in that ridiculous Clark Kent-esque disguise?

Call me sometime. I have a few things I could tell you about that Ruthy-gal. Puleeeeze!

Excuse me, I have to pick up my leopard-skin tunic from the dry cleaners. Oh, Deb, I'll grab yours while I'm out. You can pay me later.

Snort! Now I've seen it all -- Seekerville in tabloid format! I'm not sure I'll recover from the shock!

And congratulations on your first Christmas book ever, Ruthy!!!! It sounds wonderful...would that be what a dreaded synopsis is, by the way?

I love reading Christmas romances and I just got my delivery of Christmas books from eharlequin. (happy dance). Still waiting on my two Seekerville January ones though, but they've been shipped so don't enter me in the draw.

CAROL wants to "bottle and patent whatever it is Julie's got and let the rest of us invest before you go public."

Carol ... it's called HIGH METABOLISM ... ON CAFFEINE!! Uh, actually, I'll be happy to sell my "secret" with the purchase of a book, if anybody's interested. I mean, come on -- it's Christmas, and a girl's gotta make a few bucks, right???

But I'll give you one big clue right now ... it sure in the heck ain't a pink cheetah!!! ;)

I have to say that I do have a pretty impressive vitamin regimen, which I can NOT divulge here, supplemented by a steady diet of romance books, of course!! Oh, and it helps to be a little bit of a juvenile delinquent too ... :)

RUTHY!! LOVE the animal leopard outfit, but lose the headband, please!! Off the shoulder is one of my FAVORITE things, so nice job!!

LINNETTE ... Oh, I hope you like A Passion Redeemed as much as I do -- it's my favorite of "The Daughters of Boston" series, but I'm in the minority. Most readers seem to like APMP the best. THANK YOU for reading it and PLEASE ... give Charity a chance, okay??? Trust me, you will LOVE her by book 5 ... :)

I must say, I think this is the worst post I have read in sometime. Ruthy an undercover reporter. Oh pleassse.

Helga must be half-blind to not see the little devil in Ruthy's eyes.

Snort... Okay, I thought it was cute. Maybe a tad bit better than cute.

In all honesty, I got a good laugh, that's for certain. You nearly slayed me, yah. Slay me again, Ruthy, and I'll bring down the thunder.

HAHAHA

Poor One Black Skirt Mary. I so feel for her now and her plight.

We all had a good idea that Julie had to be supplementing. Perhaps it's something in the water she drinks.

I've have learned just a few things from this post. First and foremost, the girls of Seekerville are, for the most part, gentile women during the day, and perhaps a bit naughty when the lights go down and then they slip into their pink cheetah drindls and well... who knows

This place is HOPPING today!! Ruthy WAY TO GO on the book, lady!!!!! Seriously, you're one of those authors that no matter how dirt poor I am, I MUST go out and buy her book *grin* Sooooo I can only anticipate the greatness of the next book and a Christmas one!? Guuuuuuuuuuuurl, why didn't you have that THIS Christmas?! Bahahaha....maybe next Christmas we'll see you again on my blog ; )

Okay everyone, Pepper's interview is posted on my blog now!!! Check it out and show her how much we love her, even if she does have to follow Ruthy's interview *wink* I think it turned out great, lol!Talk to you all soon,Hannahhccelie[at]gmail[cot]com

You slay me! I thought I was gonna fall out of my chair laughing. Not that I believe it for a minute.

Ruthy~Whew! So glad you cleared that up. BTW, I already have Made to Order Family. I'll get Waiting out the Storm for sure. But isn't there another one? Can't I get it somewhere?!

Hey all, I posted another review (my 2nd) on my blog (which you can find if you click on my name above) It's not a Seeker book, so I won't go on. But if anyone wants to check it out, I'd love some feedback. Do I give away too much? Not enough?

Thanks

Andrea

PS: Ruthy, how much would it take to convice you to "randomly" draw my name in that give away next March? ;)

Andrea,The other one you're talking about is Winter's End. There's a giveaway going on for it on my blog right now!!! Check out yesterday's post with Ruthy and it's there. That is, if you're interested lol!Sorry didn't mean to butt in, but I saw this and thought I'd offer a chance for a free copy : )Sorry!Hannah

Uh, Jules, sweetie, I've bought a total of TWELVE books in the last couple months. Doesn't that earn me something?!?!?! ;)

Ruthy - please definitely keep me in the loop. I've got the caffeine thing down but not so much the high metabolism part... And I'm more an NCIS girl than a JAG gal so if there's something more than she's telling, I need in on it. And Helga had split personality in my head too...

Linette - Awesomeness, no? So easy to get sucked into Juliefic.

[And I so need to expand my Seeker library here, people. Drawings! Me and Andrea both won Rocky Mountain Hero the other day, we should win more together - so if she's got a fix in, stick my name next to hers. If she doesn't have a fix in, then pick me anyway ;).]

Andrea - But I don't have any books to giveaway!!!! Just the ones for my sister and best friend who actually DO KNOW where I live! [Though I know you could find me...]

I did email you the link to the Wake Up Your Muse contest though. I think you could win that one!

I'm not sure if I should mention here but... My 9yo daughter LOVES cheetahs and cheetah/leopard print. She even has an outfit that is nothing but velour cheetah print. But none of the pink stuff - the brown 'real' thing...

Been getting ready for guests for supper tonight...four singles from church. Wouldn't you know that TODAY my kitchen sink decides to stop up and won't unstop? I've even used the plunger. By now both sinks are full of water and there's not way to drain it unless I scoop it out and throw it out the back door. Ugh!

I bought a Dirndl during the four years we lived in Germany, but mine is boring blue. Why, oh, why didn't I think to look for pink leopard? What was I thinking.

My excuse was that the purchase was made in the distant past before I enrolled in your Lighten Up and Live a Little course. I'll just have to ask Gwynly to be on the lookout for pink leopard number when he takes the DD to Germany this summer so I can keep up with the Seekers. Won't he love that? ;-)

I might own another dress. I can picture it.It had a nickname.My Funeral Dress.Navy blue, white collar. Boring enough to last for decades.But I think I threw it away.The fact that I can't remember really tells the whole story doesn't it?

Ruthy--Can't wait for your Men of Allegany County Series to come out. The backdrop hails from one of the most beautiful areas of the world, and is America's best kept secret. Hope to see you on the New York Times Bestseller List--you've got the talent!