March 19, 2008

This sort of question comes up a lot, so it’s good to answer it here…

One of the best ways I know, is to bring the memory of the relationship you had before children back into your mind so that it is real…bring it to consciousness in full colour and with all the actions and the spoken words and step into the person you were back then as if you’re an actor stepping into a role on stage…really be who you were then…act as you do in the memory and don’t leave anything out.

Children really take over and that is important when they’re babies and very young children…even when they’re older it is important to listen to them and help them develop…however, not at the expense of yourselves.

Unfortunately, many women do as I did. I made my children my life to the expense of myself and my marriage. The interesting thing is that the more I gave, the more they took and demanded…I’ve had to learn to say “not just now” or “maybe another day” or “I can sit down with you at 6pm”.

Not only do relationships suffer but we the parent and individual suffers…we stop making ourselves important…we talk more about the children…we make time for them and not ourselves.

So, it is important to make time in your busy lives to do the things you love to do together…these may have changed since before children, for whatever reason…but do what you do love to do together…no excuses…just do them.

Telling your loved one you love them…telling them why you love them…think of all the good qualities about your loved one and tell them. Gratitude is another loving thing to do and extremely important…even if you’ve set up a system where you do certain jobs and your loved one does certain jobs…be grateful that they do theirs…be grateful for the smallest thing…you don’t have to gush…”Thank you” can be enough…”Thank you for doing …”…”Thanks for saying that”…etc.

You’re a man, so take your wife out…be in charge but not in control…suggest something and see if she wants to do that…if she does then, book it…if she doesn’t then ask her what she would like to do. This is important for men…to be in charge but not control…take care of your loved one…be Sir Walter Raleigh and lay your cloak over a puddle and carry her over it…get between her and the dragon…open the door for her to walk through first…don’t let her walk home on her own at night. Equality is important but so is it important to be chivalrous. However if you don’t want to do what your loved one suggests, say so in a loving way and find something you both want to do.

If you’re a woman reading this…it’s OK to be a woman…I love it…give yourself permission to fill your bag…it’s what we do…let your loved one be in charge and feel free to suggest things…always be true to you and say if you don’t want to do something or not…there are plenty of things you can do together. Make sure you stop housework for your loved one and the washing up and make time for your loved one…this was something I didn’t do and it was a mistake…I was always too tired.

Sit down together and really find out what you both like and would enjoy together.