Are you missing out on life's best moments?

Every single day is made of up thousands of moments. Good ones, bad ones, stressful ones, beautiful ones. These tiny moments, good or bad, when combined together make up our entire lives. Moments as mundane as making your morning coffee or a quick kiss on the cheek from a loved one… every little moment is a mini snapshot of your life. Recently my Mum had a health scare and while I was visiting her in ICU I started thinking about how I wished I had appreciated the times when she was healthy. I started thinking about how much I'd been taking all of the little moments for granted… expecting that they’ll happen again tomorrow. But the scary reality is that they might not. Things change so quickly… one minute your happily going along from moment to moment on cruise control and BAM someone hits your car, a friend or family member gets sick or you lose your job. Unfortunately bad things happen all too often, and usually when we least expect them. Life can change in a matter of seconds and you’ll be left wondering why you hadn’t been basking in the good moments while they were occurring.

What a terrible way to live. Only recognising how much you loved those moments once they were gone. When I was standing next to my mums hospital bed I knew that while I couldn’t change the past, I could change today and all of my tomorrows. I started seeking out techniques to remind myself to take stock and be more present in every moment. How to appreciate my life more, because as the old saying goes “you don’t get to live the same moment twice”. So here’s my learnings on how to live in the now, right now and savour every moment :

1. Slow down – allow more time than you need.

We’re all so busy running from one chore to another, to and from work and from one social gathering to the next family dinner. Its seems as though “busy” is the new buzz word and everyone wants to be “busy” all the time. But the problem is that we’re all too busy to savour the moment. Slow down. Instead of allowing 30 minutes for the commute from home to work allow 45minutes, savour the drive, laugh at the traffic and the idiots who are in a rush. Instead of waking up at 6:30am and rushing out the door by 7am, try waking up 15minutes earlier and spending time with your partner, lazing in bed or staying in the shower that little bit longer. Savour the mundane things… enjoy them and slow down.

2. Don’t think about the future or the past… today is all we have.In her memoir Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert writes about a friend who, whenever she sees a beautiful place, exclaims in a near panic, "It's so beautiful here! I want to come back here someday!" "It takes all my persuasive powers," writes Gilbert, "to try to convince her that she is already here." We’re all guilty of this one! Often, we're so trapped in thoughts of the future or the past that we forget to experience, let alone enjoy, what's happening here and now. We sip coffee and think, "This is not as good as the one I had yesterday." We eat chocolate and think, "I hope I don't run out of chocolates." When we're at work, we fantasize about being on holiday; on holiday, we worry sick about the amount of work piling up on our desks. We dwell on intrusive memories of the past or fret about what may or may not happen in the future. The hallmark of depression and anxiety is catastrophizing—worrying about something that hasn't happened yet and might not happen at all. Worry, by its very nature, means thinking about the future—and if you hoist yourself into awareness of the present moment, worrying melts away. So savour the chocolate, appreciate every day for its small beauties (yes including work… even if you just appreciate the free cookies in the kitchenette!). Be present in every moment and don’t take it for granted.

3. Express your loveWords, how little they mean, when they’re a little too late. Don’t wait to tell someone how you care for them. Whether it’s a partner, parent, sibling or work colleague, make time to write a note or tell them how much you appreciate them. When you express love outwardly your whole body takes on the emotion. Not convinced? Science says communicating positive emotions is proven to lower stress hormones, bad cholesterol, and blood pressure, and it strengthens immunity. Don’t wait, say what you want to say and say it with meaning. Seize the moment !

My Mum’s illness made me realise that I needed to start living moment to moment instead of day by day. Every moment is a chance to start again, you don’t need a new day to make a change. It’s crazy how so many people seem to think that tomorrow is better than today for getting things done. We put off those things that are important to us and we lie to ourselves by saying that we will do them later.

Whatever you need to do, whatever you need to start, whatever you need to say, do it now! Today is the tomorrow you planned for yesterday, so start today. Right now.

We’re all scared to be alone. I know too many people who stay in relationships, friendships, companionships because they’re too afraid of being alone… and I’ve been there too. I have SO been there. Its confronting, painful and somber but what no one tells you about loneliness is that it’s the best way to get to know yourself (I’m talking a Buddha level of self-enlightenment … sounds good right?).

My first love was a bit of an asshole (surprise right). Cheating, lying, selfish… but even though I knew all of this, I stayed (and stayed, and stayed). I genuinely thought that the pain I was feeling by staying with him, arguing every week, stressed about the texts he was getting and the nights he was out, was far less than the pain of being alone. The sad thing about my story is that so many women are staying and staying for the same reason. To all of you ladies who are staying because you’re too scared to be alone … LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. Being alone is the best thing I ever did for myself. It has changed my life in ways I couldn’t comprehend at the time. So, let me tell you why I loved loneliness.

1. You learn resilience

I can remember finding out that my boyfriend had cheated on me again at 11pm on a Monday night. I was beside myself. I slapped him hard across the face, ran to my car crying and drove down to the beach. I sat there in my car with no one to call (everyone was asleep) and nowhere to go, so I just sat with my thoughts. The reason I remember that night so well is because that was the first time I had to work through my emotions on my own. Yes it was hard, yes I felt SO alone, I felt like no one loved me, I felt like a burden on society, I wished for a better life and a better boyfriend, I wished the stork would just come and pick me up and take me anywhere but where I was. But the best thing about that night was that I survived… the world didn’t end! Eventually I calmed down, stopped crying, drove home, had a shower and had the epic realisation that I didn’t actually need anyone… I could overcome all of this on my own. We broke up a few days later. I was stronger because I proved to myself that I could do anything on my own.

2. It makes you think

After the breakup I spent almost a year alone… of course I had roommates, friends and family. I was also dating at the time, but I still found myself spending quite a bit of time alone (most of my friends were in relationships which meant they were busy with their significant others). During this time I journaled and made lists about everything… things as trivial as my favorite films and restaurants through to my bucket list, what I was looking for in my next partner (what I wanted, but more importantly what I didn’t want) and what my passions in life were. Being alone allows you the time to get deeply in touch with yourself and figure out who you are and what you really want.

3. It reminds you to check in with yourself

Have you ever been in a crowded place but still felt lonely? You know you’re supposed to be having the best time, but you can’t shake the feeling. Sometimes in moments when should be happy or we have everything going for us, we still feel a little lonely. Sometimes this has nothing to do with the people and everything to do with other places where we’re lacking in fulfilment. Feeling lonely can just be a hint that it’s time for a change and being alone allows you the time to work through that feeling, it gives you time to break down that emotion one thought at a time to get to the bottom of why you’re feeling that way. Carl Jung aptly said “Loneliness does not always come from not having people around you, but from being unable to communicate things that feel most important to you”.

My final point and the one that rings the most true for me is this :

The capacity to be alone is the capacity to love… it may look paradoxical to you, but it’s not. Those people capable of being alone are more capable of love, of sharing, of going into the deepest core of another person – without possessing the other, without becoming dependent on the other, without reducing the other to a thing and without becoming addicted to each other. When you know that you can survive and be ok on your own… you stop depending on others. That’s when you truly become free.

I was always so jealous of those people who seemed to float through life worry free. It felt to me like some people were just immune to stress. Meanwhile I sat up for hours and hours night after night just contemplating my feelings and decisions, both past and future. My thoughts were usually along the lines of: “Maybe I was overreacting” or “I should have handled that situation better” which led to deeper thoughts like “I wonder if this has changed our relationship?” and “maybe I’ve made him feel undervalued” or “I bet he’s feeling angry at me” – when in actual fact “he” was sleeping peacefully without a second thought of the tiff we’d had (and reconciled) 4 hours earlier.

How many nights have your thoughts got the better of you? How many unproductive hours have you wasted just sitting mulling over your thoughts with no resolution or outcome to be found?

Over the past few years overthinking has been a hot topic for many psychologists. Studies have shown overthinking to be strongly linked to depression, anxiety, binge eating, binge drinking, and self-harm. And I completely agree… I can’t think of a single time overthinking has led me to a positive outcome.

I know I’m not alone, it happens to the best of us and overcoming this harmful habit takes a lot of practice and conscious thinking, but you’ll live a more fulfilling and simple life once you have your crazy over thinking under control.

In order to break any habit, you have to be aware of the trigger points. I’ve documented some of the common thought processes which have caused me to overthink, and some useful strategies I’ve adopted to control it.

1. The 15-minute thought indulgenceObviously we still need to make time to reflect, think and plan but studies have shown that if you spend more than 15mins thinking about a certain topic you’re likely to fall down the “rabbit hole”. Next minute you’re 4 hours deep into a helpless life examination. So, give yourself a 15-minute window to address the thoughts and once that 15 minutes is up – move on with your day… Your productivity will thank me!

2. Trust your gutThree years ago I had a good stable job that I loved, lived in the most beautiful place in the world (Perth, in my opinion), had amazing people surrounding me and yet I had this niggle in my gut. I knew I wanted to travel, but I had a good life and no one to go with. So I listened to my head which kept saying “things are good in Perth” and I stayed. I stayed for another 6 months before I finally trusted the niggle in my gut jumped on a plane to Central America and spent the best year of my life exploring the world. How many times have you been in a situation where you’ve had to make a decision and you’ve wasted a day/week/year thinking about it only to go with your first thought? I’ve done it more times than I can count! We only use approximately 20% of our brains at any one time, but our brains record it all; every meeting, interaction, feeling, and decision. Sometimes we aren’t able to conjure the exact thought up that’s making us so sure/unsure… but our “gut” knows. Its pulling from that sub conscious bank of memories and urging you to make the right choice. That’s why it’s worth trusting. Think of all the time and mental energy that can be conserved by trusting that first instinct instead of wasting hours deliberating and coming back to the original thought. Side note: How many people do you hear say “I regret going with my gut” – stop wasting time and start trusting yourself and your instincts !

3. Ignoring societal normsI’ve heard people say it a thousand times “I should read more books” or “I should start running” – what I’m going to ask you is: according to who? Who told you that you should read more books (when you don’t like to read), who told you that you should start running even though you have bad knees? Don’t let others define the way you live your life. Be true to yourself… if you want to start running then take away the “should” and change it to “I’m going to start running”. The next time you hear yourself say “I should” I want you to stop and think about who thinks you should, is it you? Or your partner/parent/society? Let this be your compass to guide you into making faster and more genuine decisions.

It all comes down to this: When your final years are approaching, you will not worry about how well you thought through your decisions, or how thoroughly and accurately you approached life’s forks in the road. You will rest happily knowing you lived true to yourself, acted with confidence and purpose, and stood up for what you believed in. So, don’t worry about the perfection of your decisions. Keep moving forward, even if it is in the wrong direction. Boldness is respectable; carefulness has never changed the world.

I know what you’re thinking… “I’m *insert age*, I know where I’m going and what I want thank you very much!” and to be honest I thought that too. But at age 27 I found myself scouring the internet trying to find my “passion” and having no idea where to start. Surely if I knew myself well, I’d know the answer right?

Over the years our interests and passions change and evolve, just as we do and studies have shown that they change a lot more than we anticipate. If you think about it, what was your greatest interest 10 years ago? Chances are it's completely different to what you’re interested in today. The problem is that we don’t allow time to check in with our constantly changing selves, we’re so busy investing our emotional energies into the lives of others (cue repeats of Love Island and The Bachelor), or keeping busy doing what we’ve always done (our habits).

But when was the last time you really sat down and had a one on one with yourself?

It's time we re-visited. I’ve tried and tested a lot of methods for getting to know myself better, but I found the 5 questions below to be a really good start point.

1. What do I absolutely love in life?

Write a list of all the things, places and people that you love in your life. Think about any activities that get you excited and make you feel alive. This can be absolutely anything: music, sports, cooking, teaching others, learning, watching movies—anything. Within your love for these things lies your passions.

2. What are my greatest accomplishments in life so far?

List all of the moments that you are proud of as well as the times that you’ve succeeded. See if you can identify why you succeeded. Also, list any activities, hobbies, or tasks that you complete with ease. This question will help you identify your strengths.

3. What would I stand for if I knew no one would judge me?

List everything that you would do if you weren’t afraid, even your wildest dreams. This will help you discover your greatest values.

4. What would I do if I had one billion dollars?

List everything that you would do if you had all the money in the world. Okay, so you would probably quit your job, travel the world, buy a house or two, and give some money to your family or charity. Then what would you do with your time? How would you spend your days if you had no financial limitations?When we think without limitations we come closer to understanding what it is we really want to do and where we want to invest our time.

5. Who do I admire most in the world?

Make a list of people who inspire you and the qualities that you admire about them. Did you know that what you see in others is a direct reflection of what you see in yourself? This question will help you see your admirable qualities and help you identify how to use them to be inspirational to others.

Taking the time to check in and answer these questions will change the way you look at life.The more that you can intertwine your passions, strengths, values and motivations into your days, the happier you will become.

Author Stephen Richards was right when he said : “What we perceive about ourselves is greatly a reflection of how we will end up living our lives.”