19 January 2016

Continuing from yesterday's blog, and self-forgiveness... the following is the corrections I can make to realize how to direct myself physically out of an experience, what it means to be productive, and to stop sitting on the fence about things.

When and as I see myself giving into an experience of being tired and sluggish on Sundays after my shift at work, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this is due to an idea I’ve allowed within myself of where it’s like now the end of my week, and I can just throw in the towel, and physically give into the experience of not wanting to do anything. I commit myself to change this idea within me that influence my experience as becoming sluggish and tired, and I commit myself to start deciding for myself, as a point of self-direction, how I will experience myself after work

When and as I see myself not remaining consistent within my days, in how I physically move and apply myself, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that currently the inconsistency exists on Sundays, based on an idea I have about ‘the end of the week’ and so rather I commit myself to practice consistency in my days as being stable and constant and physically directing myself, instead of allowing an experience based on an idea move me

When and as I see myself existing within statement of, “I’m tired” and physically slouching, and accepting the idea it’s going to be struggle to ‘get through this evening’ on Sundays, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that these statements support the pattern I’ve created of becoming tired and sluggish on Sundays and so rather I commit myself to stop, breathe, stand up straight, not participate in the thought, and direct myself accordingly as what is necessary to be done – realizing this is what I prefer and when I’m satisfied, and allows me to practice becoming self-directive principle of myself

When and as I see myself participating in a routine on Sundays where I just want to give in, throw in the towel, and not do a damn thing except watch tv, snack, and lounge around – I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this ‘want’ is fueled by an energy that is like a resistance to remaining consistent within myself, and to give in is to accept the pattern I’ve created, instead of taking responsibility for it and actually changing it – as I’ve shown I can create myself in certain ways – as I’ve created this Sunday Sluggish point – I can also change it and make Sundays a satisfactory day of self-production

When and as I see myself working all the time, and not giving myself any ‘down time’ as self-enjoy, and self-relaxation – I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this is part of the problem as the pattern I’ve created in Sundays being so sluggish for me, wherein I want to just throw in the towel because I feel overworked and burned out. And so I commit myself to create more of a balance between work and play where I do things that support me in being able to ‘let go’ and step away from work, and really relax and enjoy myself – things that are fun to me. And I commit to do this within practical consideration of what is best, as the time allotted for this, to ensure I am being directive with it, and not giving more time needed just because I was extra time to not do anything

When and as I see myself defining Sundays’ as the ‘end of the week’, and to within this, belief I must crash, and burn and completely collapse from the past week, just to do it all again the next day, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this is a common belief within many people – their relationship to their week, and the structure of it, and so I commit myself to change my relationship to Sundays, and the end of the week to be that which is supportive, and not more or less than any others day and so commit to me reaming the same. Each day is equal in its time available, and opportunities for growth, and change, and development and so I commit myself to utilize each day to its utmost potential, as each day being the chance for me to express my utmost potential. I commit myself to see every day as every other day and not to define one day as more or less than another, or one day as where I must work very hard/long, and another day where I must completely crash and burn.

When and as I see myself running on energy as attempting to be as productive as possible, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this is where I create the pattern of ‘crashing and burning’ because energy always runs out – it does not remain the same, it changes and fluctuates, and if I allow myself to be dependent, or influenced by energy, then I am only a slave to it’s changes. Rather, I commit myself to practice day breathing, to ground myself in my physical body and so stop participating on energy, wherein I slowly but surely stop participating in polarities of experiences – highs and low, positive and negative, and instead remain constant, yesterday, today, and tomorrow – that is a real way to remain productive, every day doing what you can, and not missing a moment because energy participation depleted your ability to move

When and as I see myself not making a decision to direct myself out of the sluggish feeling/experience on Sundays, but also not deciding to go completely into it, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this sitting on the fence is basically me making the decision to NOT direct myself out of the experience because simply put – I’m not directing myself out of the experience, I am somewhat experiencing it, yet not giving what I’m doing my full participation, as I am physically slower, like walking through mud. I commit myself to make a decision, either way, as the statement of who I am and what I allow rather than sitting on the fence with energetic experiences that basically is me hiding out from making a decision that is best for me, and is being direct and self-honest. I commit myself to physically move myself out of the experience through how I’m moving my physical body – to stand up straight, to get up and walk if I must, to do something to get me in my body and so more alert and focused, and present HERE within/as me to better direct myself in what I would like to get done

18 January 2016

Today I am feeling a bit sluggish. I worked this morning, as I do most Sunday mornings, and usually I start the day clear and ready to go. I usually enjoy my Sunday shifts because it’s early in the morning, I’m done by the afternoon, and I have the evening’s off which is great, because I usually work evenings. So I look forward to getting home, spending time with my partner, doing what I have to do to tie up the loose ends of the week, and getting ready for the new week to start. Though often, by the end of the shift, I feel sluggish, tired, and sometimes accompanied by a headache.

No headache today, though the sluggish, tired experience was present. Normally I go home and will rest, watch something, and end up taking a nap before the evening. Today I decided to change it up – not take a nap, spend some time on some responsibilities online, and just decide something different. Well I didn’t nap, though that sluggish, tired experience only compounded. I was moving very slow through what I was doing at home, really only wanting to entertain myself, become distracted, and not very directive in what I was doing – rather just listen to music, watch some videos, etc.

What I can see is that the ‘end of the week’ has a specific definition for me – wherein it’s like I just want to crash from the week that has past, I’ve walked it – it’s done, now I want to allow myself to indulge in the crash, before I get up and do it again tomorrow.

So it’s become part of my routine, pushing through my working week, only to get to the end and end it on a different note then how it was walked previously. Rather than staying consistent, and closing my week in a way that I will be more satisfied with myself and my application, I instead am eager to throw in the towel, like a self-reward, and give myself a little break before it must be done again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the experience of being tired and sluggish on Sundays after my shift at work – where it’s like now the end of my week, and I can just throw in the towel, and physically give into the experience of not wanting to do anything else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remain consistent within my days, in how I physically move, as being stable, and constant, rather than going into an experience of being tired and sluggish on Sundays – just because it’s the ‘end of the week’ and I’m ready to throw in the towel for the day

It’s interesting how often we want to ‘take a break’ and ‘not do anything’ and often this is due to some experience we are having. Either we are over worked, or emotionally reacting to something or someone in our environment, we don’t know how to direct some circumstance in our life, we are having difficulty with some relationship – whatever it is, we all ‘want’ that experience of ‘I’m not doing anything” and just go into a point of throwing in the towel, and making an absolute decision to just not do a damn thing.

I don’t think this is a bad thing necessarily – it’s supportive to give ourselves a break, to give ourselves some me time, to do something we enjoy, or something that is relaxing. Though for me – I don’t like how every day I have specific points I like to get to, they are easy and effortless, yet they are responsibilities, and don’t take much time, and they do support me within what I’m doing as the process I’m walking – yet when it comes to Sundays, I just want to indulge in the end of my work week.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a point of tiredness and sluggishness after working on Sundays – and really support this point within me through statements of, “I’m tired,” and physically slouching, and accepting the idea it’s going to be struggle to ‘get through this evening’ with what is necessary to be done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a routine on Sundays where I just want to give in, throw in the towel, and not do a damn thing, and just basically watch tv, snack, and lounge around – not having a care in the world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself more directive, supportive “time off” as points of enjoyment, and relaxing, and some me time, and so creating this point where I end up cycling through this pattern of working really hard during the week, and then ‘crashing’ at the end of the week as not wanting to do or go anywhere and to basically just get comfy in my bed and lounge about, not making for such a productive evening – not keeping my week consistent, and rather going into the high of the busy work week, and crashing into the low of the lounging Sunday night off

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically feel sluggish and tired on Sundays as a pattern I’ve created wherein I define the ‘end of the week’ being a point where one can just completely crash, and give into one’s experience of being tired of the working week – as if it HAS to be that, that one has to be tired from working all week, instead of considering one’s work can be nourishing and supportive and so not tiring and depleting self to the point where one thinks one has to ‘rejuvenate’ and ‘re-charge their batteries’… LOL – what a funny statement. What, are we machines?

Well… yes. Just like machines, we need energy to work, we are programmed to work a certain way, and based on our programming we will act and experience certain things. One program being the end of the work week is where one ‘crash and burn’, throw in the towel, let go of all responsibilities and just relax. Though relaxing doesn’t have to be neglectful, and relaxing can still be self-directive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run on energy, where depending on the level of my ‘charge’ I will feel driven or depleted, and base what I do according to that experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use energy to move myself through my working week, instead of using breath, moment to moment, as a physical self-sustaining nourishment that keeps me present, and stable and not fluctuating on energy, and so prevents any ‘crash’ from the energy I am using and depleting from the physical when I participate within and through the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate or asky ‘why’ I feel sluggish and tired on Sundays after work, as a consistent point that is replaying – where every Sunday I am tired, and sluggish

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make the decision to either go into it or not – meaning standing half way/in the middle/one foot in, one foot out, where I feel sluggish and tired, but don’t go completely into the point, attempt to keep moving myself, but to really make no progress, as I haven’t actually made the decision to direct myself, and instead have as I can see now, made the decision to NOT direct myself, so basically am deciding to give into the point, though I’m sugar coating it, and pretending I’m being responsible and making the ‘right choice’ but really, I am only fooling myself

I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed myself to not want to push those tough moments, those challenging moments when I really just want to give up, and give into to my experience, and just say fuck it, and just soothe this urge to lounge about instead of realizing the experience triggering the ‘want’ to relax, is based in energy and to give in is to give the mind the power and authority to direct me, when that is not the mission I am on – I am on the mission to become the directive principle of and as me, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even tempt myself within not making a decision fully to be self-directive, and give even an inch to the mind to direct

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take physical action to assert a decision within me to direct myself, and rather play with the fire as allowing myself to slouch, move sheepishly, and without physical assertion and attention, and so care which only sustains the experience I physically

17 January 2016

When it comes to change – it can be quite challenging. We can make the process quite complicated, feel like it’s completely hopeless, and think we are doing things all wrong, because after all, we keep falling… we keep doing the same things over; making the same decision, repeating the same behavior, continue thinking the same thoughts. From our perspective, change is futile, because we see it in ourselves…. We just can’t correct the point we are dealing with.

Though, as hard of a pill it is to swallow, the solution is simple. You will just have to stop. You will just have to stop those thoughts. You will just have to stop making those decisions. You will just have to stop repeating those same behaviors. You will just have to stop.

That moment when you are faced with a decision, infiltrated with excuses and reasons as to why you can keep on keeping on with the same ol’ story… you will just have to stop, and change your mind, and so change your direction.

It really is that simple. So simple we could scream. You will just have to stop. Stop doing the same thing, expecting different results. Stop gossiping about others, and wondering why you are paranoid others are talking about you. Stop eating those foods that make you feel crappy. Stop entertaining yourself with tv and movies rather than reading a book, or doing some research online. Stop making plans, and then breaking them. Stop telling yourself the same thing about yourself. Stop comparing yourself to others. Stop expecting others to be for you what you can be for yourself. Stop judging others. Stop accepting inequality. Stop blame. Stop hate. Stop.

It’s the same with starting something new – creating a new habit, creating new behaviors, creating a new routine, creating new experience… you will have to stop living as you’ve always lived, and do something new. Try something else. Test out things you’ve never considered before. Be open and willing to go against what you think you prefer or what you ‘like’ – and work with physical reality. What supports you to change your mind, your thinking, your experiences?

Do something you’ve never thought you’d be able to do. Face your fears and conquer them. Walk through them realizing you created them all along, and it takes only YOU to stop allowing the fear to direct you, and rather YOU direct YOU, as the life within you that see’s it’s own potential. Stop squandering your potential, and let it out. Forgive, let go and be different. It’s up to you. You will just have to stop and try something new.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the simplicity in change – in the moment of just stopping and not making the same decision, repeating the same behaviors, and thinking the same thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how simple change is as the physical action of doing or not doing…. Of going for the action we’ve always feared, or stopping an action that produce the same emotional experience of regret, guilt, and shame as we can see we are not living our utmost potential

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize each moment I have a choice, and an actual will to do what is best for me, and it only requires me to stop… stop the thoughts, feelings, and emotions that influence me to keep living the same thing over, and over, and over again, even though I only feel dis-empowered

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the key and the potential as me – as the one that can actually, physically change, as the one to STOP in the moment before I repeat the same mistake. I may be walking into the unknown, but I am within and as me and so I will count on myself to walk through it… to create something new, to breathe, to forgive, and to let go

I commit myself to just stop in those moments I’m about to embark on the same behaviors, patterns, thoughts, and feelings that dis-empower me and decide something new for myself

I commit myself to continue to decide, despite the excuses and reasons, to stick with that which supports me unleashing my potential, encouraging growth and the expansion of self-expression

I commit myself to not give up, and to always remember the simply solution… I can always just stop, and start over. I can change my ways. I can try something new, I can dare to be different. As long as I'm here, I'm able

I commit myself to realizing the simplicity in process, and I commit myself to know when I’m complicating it, I’m not seeing what is here… each moment, each breath, I can just stop.

16 January 2016

The following is the corrective statements from yesterday's blog, A Cool Point.

When and as I see myself defining myself as weak, lost, and sad, and to within this, experience a negative energy, in relation to not having a specific purpose/point in my life at the moment, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this is a definition in which I’ve given to these words, and how I define this point in my life of not having such a specific point, and that it can be changed in how I define the words and so I commit myself to purify the words within/as me and the words I live through forgiving the polarity/energy charges attached to them, and rather give words a practical reality definition that I can then LIVE, and thus become living words which will support in the expansion and transformation of myself rather than keep me within a point of emotional manipulation where I’m dis-empowered through how I’ve defined the words within a negative energy

When and as I see myself comparing myself to my partner, who has quite a specific point/purpose he is walking as his art, and to define myself as lacking or as something wrong with me because I do not have such a point, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that each process/life is unique yet equally as valuable, and so I commit myself to stop using comparisons to create separation as inequality and rather utilize my partner, and all others in my life, as gifts as the examples they are where I can reflect on who I am in relation to them, to their expression, to what they do and use within my own point of self-development and change

When and as I see myself becoming emotional when speaking to my partner about the fact that I don’t have such a specific point/direction in my life at the moment, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this emotional is based on a self-definition that does not serve me, and comparisons that I use to be inferior and thus emotional manipulation – thus I commit myself to stop sabotaging myself in moments of my life where I allow the emotion to direct me and rather breathe, take a moment, step back and let go of that which no longer serves my self-development and change. I commit myself to stop going into emotion to manipulate myself into thinking how I’ve defined me in the past as weak, sad, and lost is accurate, when I know it’s not

When and as I see myself comparing myself to others and define myself as an inferior human being, living an inferior life because I don’t have such a specific point/direction/purpose that interests me at the moment, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this is not constructive for me in any way and only keeps me within the point of thinking this is true and real, when it is not, it is merely emotional manipulation. I commit myself to focusing on what is here in my life, and perfecting myself within that, within the responsibilities I have and the opportunities that develop from that point of expansion. I commit myself to take the opportunities that arise, big or small, with open arms to investigate all things, to get to know all others, to see who I am and what this world is all about and so what is possible and the potential within life

When and as I see myself focusing on only the bad within myself, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this is not being self-honest as there are many aspects to me, and they are not all bad. I commit myself to seeing all aspects of me, not just the bad, but the good to, and use constructive within my process of getting to know myself, and changing myself as the journey to life – I commit myself to cherishing who I am and what I have developed and how I have expanded and grown and how I can continue to do so

15 January 2016

Continuing from yesterday – the specific words I wrote in yesterdays blog I’m going to look at within self-forgiveness here, in relation to this point of ‘not having a point’ are, “I felt weak, and sad, and lost in a way”.

Weak, sad, and lost.

So while yesterday I mentioned it’s important for me not to define myself for having a point or not having a point that is specific at the moment, here within the words listed above, I am defining myself as being weak, sad, and lost for not having a point. So must clean that up, as it’s obviously influencing me to an extent wherein I feel weak, sad, and lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as weak for not having a specific point/purpose in my life that I am interested in at the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as sad for not having a specific point/purpose in my life that I am interested in at the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as lost for not having a specific point/purpose in my life that I am interested in at the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a negative energy to the words weak, lost, and sad and to within this, define myself within this negative energy as the words weak, lost, and sad in relation to not having a specific point/purpose in my life that I’m interested in at the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to my partner, who has quite a specific point/purpose he is walking with/as his art, and to define myself as lacking or as something wrong with me because I do not have such a point in myself/my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not use comparisons constructively and instead use it as emotional manipulation to keep me within the same thought pattern that I am lost, weak, and sad for not having such a specific point, one like I see within my partner, which keeps me from seeing and utilizing what is here as points of development and expansion to prepare for something to open up in myself/my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become emotional when speaking to my partner about my point, and that I don’ have such a specific one as him, and to within this, feel inferior and as if I’m missing something from myself, like I am less than him because I don’t have such a point in my life as I see he does within himself/his life

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to rather comparing myself as emotional manipulation towards my partner for his specific point in his life he’s walking, to rather see the skills and words he is living to walk his point, and use as an example for myself as what I would like to live and become and so allow comparisons to be supportive and constructive, building myself and my expression and my life in a way where I become better, and not less than as the feeling of being inferior

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am an inferior human being, living an inferior life because I don’t have such a specific point as a purpose that interests me, instead of focusing on what is here in my life, perfecting myself within that, to thus allow other opportunities to develop from that point of expression and expansion

I realize that until I am stable within what I’m doing, I cannot move on from that – it is specific to support me within certain skills and applications that require a consistent responsibility, and while I’m here, I have the perfect opportunity to perfect myself within that, preparing myself for what may be ahead, what doors may open, what points that may arise, what interests that may reveal themselves. I also realize that in ‘not having a point, I’ve come to accept that a point will just magically show up and reveals itself, instead of ME being the CREATOR of such a point, of such a purpose. I am actually in quite a cool position as I am not currently bound by anything (except of course the survival mode we all currently exist within as our monetary system) and that I can decide on what I would like to do – me, alone, by my own choice can make a decision on what I spend and invest my time on and into.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand the cool point I am in now, through defining myself as not having a point as being something bad/negative, as a choice I can make on my own, within common sense, that will allow me to express my strengths and build my weaknesses as incorporating words and skills that are necessary for me to expand and live my utmost potential

Another point I can see is that I’ve never really allowed myself to look at my strengths, I suppose being that I’ve always defined myself as not having any strengths, and only weakness. So quite the inferior position I’ve always put myself in, always dis-empowering myself through ideas of myself, rather than uplifting and supporting myself to see perhaps what others do see – what are my strengths? What are my weakness? How can I become a better human being?

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to get to know myself as defining and listing my strengths, as what I am good at, and what I enjoy, and what comes naturally to me and instead always focusing on the bad qualities I see and use that against myself to manipulate and sabotaging myself into a state of stagnation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see only the bad in me rather than being self-honest and seeing ALL aspects of me, not just the bad, but also the good – allowing myself to cherish who I am and what I have developed and how I have expanded and grown and how I can continue to do so as I walk the Journey to Life from consciousness to awareness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself within emotions when I define myself as only negative things, instead of allowing myself to get to know ALL sides, and aspects and dimensions of myself – as my thoughts, words, and deeds, as I see, realize, and understand that from that I am in a point of self-empowerment because I can then decide what can stay, and what must go, and what I must harness within me as I learn to express myself within/as what is here

14 January 2016

Today I became a bit emotional while having a conversation with my partner. We were speaking about a chat I had earlier with a friend, and how we were discussing the point of me not yet having such a clear, specific, defined ‘point’ as a purpose I’m taking in my life. I have been busy getting my survival point in place since moving to Canada from the US, and I have not had a lot of time given to other aspects, or opportunities, or even interests in my life.

While chatting with the friend, there was not an emotional energy around the topic of discussion, there was more an understanding of where I am currently, and where I have been, and what is necessary to move forward, as creating a stable living for myself, financially speaking, to ensure I am in a position to move within other things. It is quite difficult to focus on other aspects of one’s life when their financial situation (survival) is not secure. So now that that is stable, I can again, re-look at where I would like to invest more of my time and attention – what am I passionate about, what am I driven towards, what can I get motivated about, what do I want to learn more about, where do I want to give my time and attention to? So the chat overall was supportive, as I could see what was necessary for me to create the ‘point’ in myself and in my life.

Though, while discussing this later with my partner, there was much more emotional energy attach to it. I became quite emotional in fact, I couldn’t even speak because I felt the tears would just come crashing down. I felt weak, and sad, and lost in a way. And this is interesting because it was not the story earlier in the day. So what is the difference?

My partner is in quite the opposite situation – his direction is quite clear at the moment, with ‘his point’, with what he is doing. He in a way has always had this particular interest, and it’s something he’s invested many years in, being educated in, and now making a business out of. For me, I never had such a point – so in a way, I feel inferior or like lacking when I compare myself to him/his life. I feel somehow something is missing within me, because after all – look, "he’s got such a clear point/direction."

Though I realize I cannot compare, and definitely should not be judging myself because it’s two different lives, two different processes, two different expressions. So while they are not the same, they are still equally valuable, and one is not more or less than the other.

So standing alone, not comparing myself to anyone, there is no emotion attached to what I see I am currently facing, as a blank slate and an opportunity to create new doors to open as the vast options I Have in where I would like to invest myself more. And while it’s not specific, clear cut and completely focused – it still is an opportunity for me to create, and expand, and grow, and decide for myself what I would like to do. Though… the moment I compare myself to another, is the moment I dis-honor myself and get lost in what I don’t have, or what I am missing, or what I am lacking in relation to another – using another to define myself within a negative context. When it doesn’t have to be that way. I can simply see what another does, what skills it takes, what expressions they are living, what words they are developing as their living application and use as an example, rather than using it against myself to sabotage myself into feeling something about me that is not accurate, but only fuels an energy that keeps me in such a thought pattern of “I don’t have a point/what's the point!” It's just pointless self-pity.

It’s very important for me to not define myself by what I do or don’t do, or that I don’t have such a clear-cut direction as some others. My process and life is unique, though equally as valuable as all others, and so it’s rather to learn and take examples from others that I can utilize in my own life – what do I want to do, what do I want to learn, how do I want to develop, what skills do I want to incorporate in my life. These are all constructive comparisons. The emotional experience I had today, and have had for quite some time is emotional manipulation – putting myself into a position of dis-empowerment rather than self-empowerment. Comparisons can be beneficial, if we don’t use it to separate ourselves from another – as creating inequality.

Process, and this Life, is about Self-Creation. Letting go of who we have been as the idea we’ve created about ourselves, and decide for ourselves within self-honesty and self-forgiveness what is best for all as the expression we gift to ourselves and the world. My point will become clear once it’s clear. As long as I am living as my directive principle, I have a direction, and that is to create the best version of me – to bring through my utmost potential, to live within principles that are best for all. In time, I will learn more specifically where I am suited, and in doing what. Until then – I do my best in all that is Here and within my current responsibility.

Self-Forgiveness in the blog to follow

**Before Posting.. I re-read this and re-called something someone once said to me that is quite perfect for this blog... He said, "Your Process will be Known Once it's Lived." Yes - right on. Thanks, B.**

13 January 2016

Continuing on from yesterday's self-forgiveness - how I will stop living in fear, develop my own-self authority, learn to live practical within principles that are best for all, and how to focus on the living commitment a marriage is all about.

When and as I see myself saying things such as ‘we’re young and poor’, to those I talk to about not exchanging rings when I get married, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that such a statement exists within a point of fear, of thinking others will react to me as seeing me differently and weird, and so I commit myself to rather than engage and participate in the fear, stop myself before I speak, and breathe as to not express the fear and rather look at it practically – am I really young and poor? Is that really why I am not exchanging rings with my partner? And so I commit myself to use common sense, and be self-honest when expressing myself with others.

When and as I see myself defining exchanging rings when one gets married as something that is normal, and to not is to be abnormal and to within this, fear being seen as abnormal – I stop and I breathe. I see, realize and understand that this is only a definition, not an absolute fact and so I can change the definition where it does not have a positive or negative energy attachment, or a right or wrong, normal and abnormal polarity relationship – it can simply be what it is. And so I commit myself to remove the polarity definition to things I do in life, such as how I will get married, and rather stick to what is most practical for me and my partner.

When and as I see myself fearing going against societies traditions and norms, and if I do, how people will think of me, or label me as weird or different and be excluded from the whole, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this is not a rational fear, and thus only exists within my own mind, through my own acceptance and allowance and so I commit myself to stop participating in the fear as giving it life, and rather stick to the physical – what is real, what is within common sense, what is practical, and what is best for all. I commit myself to stop living in fear.

When and as I see myself feeling as though I must explain myself as to why I may be doing things differently than what is the norm, or tradition – I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that my thinking I must explain myself is within the belief that I must give an acceptable reason for why I’m doing something that is not acceptable – and so I also see, realize, and understand that that definition of what is acceptable and what is not is not actually based on practical living, but is simply going along with the norms and tradition of a society. I commit myself to stop defining what I do or don’t do as acceptable or not acceptable to others, and rather decide for myself what is acceptable and what is not – and to stop allowing the fear of what others will think determine what I do and what I express.

When and as I see myself fear to be different from others, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this fear to be different from others, and from what others do is actually a fear of being my own self – an actual individual, with my own decision that are decided by ME and that I am rather depending on society and its traditions and norms as a guide of who I must be and what I must do and how I define what is acceptable or not and so I commit myself to make up my own mind about what is acceptable or not – as that way I can ensure I am guiding my own life within principles that are best for all, and not just best for a few or best for only myself. I commit myself to becoming my own self – an individual, with an expression that is unique to me, yet that considers all within the principle of equality and oneness as what is best for all.

When and as I see myself using and being dependent as needing others outside and separate from myself to guide me as suggesting where I must go, how I must act, what I must do and how I can express myself as what is ‘normal’, especially in relation to being in a situation where I may being doing things differently, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that I am only enslaving myself to something outside, and separate for me here, and so not honoring myself as an individual, within a unique perspective and understanding of what is best for me and so I commit myself to stop being fearful and think I must explain myself or follow along to what is ‘normal’ and rather stick to principles that are within common sense, practical, and best for all/me

When and as I see myself separating myself from my own self-authority as needing societal norms and traditions to be what determines what I do, as my guide, and my directive, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that until I establish myself within my own self-authority, I will always think I need someone or something outside of me to show me the way rather than living and making decision that allow me to trust myself to always be practical, and common sensical about the direction I take in life and so I commit myself to practicing living principles that support the development of my own self-trust which will lead to self-expression and the authority over and of and as myself to be, express, and live to my utmost potential.

When and as I see myself limiting the definition of marriage through by thinking I must explain to others why I’m not exchanging rings, or wearing a white dress, or having a big ceremony – I stop and I breathe. I see, realize and understand that this is in fact a limited definition of what marriage is, is a symbol society has created to create a big fuss and in fact take away from what is most practical about being married – A commitment you make to walk your life with another, as equals, within principles. We create a big show for ourselves and others, but why? The living is what matters, and if we cannot change how we live in relation to one another, the big show as the wedding was simply a lot of money spent. That is not practical – and so I commit myself to stick to defining marriage in the most practical way – utilizing my resources to support myself and my partner in the most practical way to ensure that both he and I are in a position to expand, to grow and to learn from each other.

12 January 2016

So the first dimension I can see within the statement made of, “we’re young and poor” is a fear of being different in the eyes of others, and within this – being judged or seen as weird, and that I must explain myself so that I don’t come off this way – there is a reason for ‘why’ we are doing things differently. (see previous blog for context).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the statement, “we’re young and poor” when telling the commissioner we were not exchanging rings when we get married, as a point of fear of how she would react as seeing us differently or weird

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define exchanging rings when getting married as something normal, and to not do this is to be abnormal, and so within this – to fear being seen as abnormal for not doing the ‘normal’ thing at a wedding ceremony

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going against societies tradition, and what people will think of me, fearing being seen as weird, and different and because of this, being an outcast from the group as a whole

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as though I must explain myself as to why I am doing things differently than others – thinking and believing that I must give a reason that is acceptable to others because my action is not acceptable as it is not normal, or within tradition

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being different, to fear being an individual, for making my own decisions, and to within this – always depend on society and its traditions and norms as a guide of who I must be and what I must do and define that as the only thing acceptable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others will think and see my differently if I dare to do something different - if I don’t follow along with what is currently accepted as the norm

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on others outside and separate from myself, as the guide that suggest where I must go, how I must act, what I must do, how I can express myself and when I’m in a situation wherein I am doing things differently – become fearful and think I must explain myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my own authority as needing societal norms and traditions to be what determines what I do – using that as my guide, as my directive, instead of deciding for myself, within my own power and authority, who I am, what I stand for and as, and how I make the decisions in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give the power and authority of my directive principle to society’s traditions and norms

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit the definition of marriage to be that of exchanging rings instead of realizing it is so much more than that, and I don’t have to explain to anyone why I am not doing such a thing when I get married

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as though others will question me if I do not do what is normal, especially here in the context of getting married

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to question myself within doing things out of the norm when getting married, going against what I’ve been taught and accepted as ‘how things are’ and ‘it’s just what you do’ and not questioning it or even doing it differently

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being different, for being my own self, for making up my own mind, for being practical in my decisions in life as how this will cause others to see me – thinking and believing I need the approval of others to be okay with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself to the thoughts of others about me instead of standing on my own two feet, living proudly of who I am as I am walking a process of establishing myself as a being of integrity, real honesty, and within principles that are always best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being different and going against tradition or norms as something to be feared, that it’s something you should resist instead of realizing the actual nature of such a design being deliberate to keep people in line – to not express an individualism but to instead follow the way before us as what has been already decided upon, even without our participation, yet given our consent when we go along and not question or even change it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being different as actually fearing to change as the change implies a new way, and to go against the old way is to go against the grain, go against the crowd and when you do this, you are seen as something outside the norm and so different – though why is that bad? Why is that a negative thing? Why is it seen as something weird and to be resisted? Who benefits from tradition? And what does it imply about the society we’ve created when people are afraid to do something different, to not follow tradition?

It’s interesting because so many people, so many generations… basically all children are taught the ‘ways of the world’ and that that is just how things are, and while we see it as fine, the mere fact that there is fear to express something different, something that may even challenge or question the accepted norm implies something very wrong. No one should be afraid to step up, to stand up, and to put into question any belief or practice, or thought, or idea that does not support what is best for all, and simply having fear attached to doing so implies it’s not best for all. Fear is not best for all, it is not best for an individual.

Fear is the cell we lock ourselves within to not change – we put ourselves in chains instead. Now while my experience with fearing what others will think for not doing the traditional ring exchange at my wedding may not seem like such a problem within humanity, though at its core, as its nature – there is a problem. Individuals fearing to be different, to be themselves, to make up their own mind, for not following along with what has been told ‘this is just how it is’. We do it with everything, in every field and aspect of our world. War, poverty, homelessness, mass incarceration, racism, religious beliefs, failing education systems, politics… there is a silent consent everyone is given because all are too afraid to stand up and say ‘this is not right, this is not best for all, let’s change this.’ We don’t do this on an existential level because we are not doing it on an individual level, within ourselves, our minds, or our relationships. We should never fear to make decisions that are practical, and best for our lives, and best for others just because it’s not what others suggest is the way it’s always been done.

11 January 2016

Recently I made a statement while with my partner that I would like to call into question. We were meeting the commissioner that will marry us, and she was asking about the ceremony we would like – would I be wearing a dress, how many people would be attending, and if we had rings. When asked if we were going to exchange rings, we said no, and then I added, “We are young and poor.”

I was looking at this statement the whole day afterward, considering the implication of my words and how I am living... or they are living words within/as my life. “We are young and poor.”

There are a couple points I can see within this I see as important to address. I will open the first point up in this blog tonight, which is:

First point, and most obvious to me (as it's come up a few times recently) is the explanation I feel is needed. Meaning – my partner and I are not going about getting married in the traditional sense. There is no rings, there is no wedding dress, there is so expensive reception, or a long-drawn out ceremony. We are keeping it as practical as possible, because quite simply – being married for us is practical. So then why do I feel the need to give a reason attempting to explain why we are not doing things traditionally – like having rings to exchange?

“We are young and poor.” Well yes, one aspect of not having rings is because we don’t have the funds to allocate to such a purchase at the moment, and luckily, neither of us feel as though having rings defines our relationship or the commitment of marriage – it’s simply a symbol and at the moment, our funds are prioritized elsewhere. So then why do I need to explain that – “we are young and poor.”

I can see that in relation to getting married, and in general walking my process, being part of the desteni group, walking within principles and sharing what I do seems a bit ‘out of the norm’ and being ‘out of the norm’ is almost as if you are looked at differently, at least that’s been my experience. It takes consistency to break the walls of certain stigmas, and this is just the latest I feel I must explain.

I don’t want people to think we’re (I’m) weird, or to look questionably at me – to wonder why I’m doing what I’m doing, or saying what I’m saying. It’s like a fear of being seen as different, or weird, or anything out of the norm/traditional… not wanting to go against the crowd in a way – not wanting to stand out or be seen as something suspicious, as generally we judge/ridicule/dismiss/question anything that is not familiar or comfortable to us.

So a fear of being different, and feeling like I must defend myself – that I must justify my actions, or explain myself to others. When in reality – if I was clear within my starting point – within who I am, and not giving value to the outside world's perception of me, I am certain it would not matter, I would not feel like I must justify and explain myself, as I know myself, and why I’m doing what I’m doing. No explanation - just the decision, and action.

This is another aspect/dimension of a fear of others and how they see/perceive me, which I wrote about earlier this week, as well as frequently throughout my process. Quite the point – the energy, and value and attachment/importance I’ve given to what others think. This is a problem because obviously, when one depend on other’s acceptance or fear another’s judgment, placing value on this, then one become a slave to others – always seeking validation outside/separate from oneself, and always abdicating responsibility one has to themselves.

So that is what is necessary for me – the solution if you will. Continue to stop caring/giving value/giving importance to the thoughts of others, and establish the self-relationship that is supportive, caring, honoring self-honesty, and responsible within who I am, as thought, word, and deed. That is the one being in which I should care what they think - that is the being I must walk an eternity with... myself. There is no time to worry about what others think or don't think - I have my own thoughts to worry about/clean up – and after all, my thought of what others think are merely thoughts I think about myself, or have thought about towards others, so no matter which way you spin it – I am responsible.

09 January 2016

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project failure onto others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the past in defining others – in how I see them and what to expect from them being based on past moments, wherein I am holding them hostage to a specific pattern and anticipate they will always play it out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand the difference between allowing one to change, and understanding patterns that others play out… within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live the realization that to anticipate certain patterns in others, certain behaviors, is actually indicating a point of self-honesty, a self-seeing if you will that there is such a point/pattern existing within myself and in my anticipating or expecting others to fail, I am also accepting and allowing a point of failure within myself where I can anticipate or expect myself to fail, because I've already made the decision to do so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect from others what I give to myself, which is leniency – wherein I allow a loose rope to hang around my neck – where I allow little moments here and there to slip by where I am not taking responsibility for myself, where I am not being self-honest, where I am giving into emotions, and feelings, and thoughts – where I am directing myself from a point of self- interest and to not realize the consequence of this as the accumulation of falling within one's process of change - as one is not giving it one's all, absolutely, in all ways, diligently - one is still holding onto points of desire and wants as self interest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live the realization that until I change, nothing will change… and perhaps this applies to others. Obviously I cannot expect others to change if I am not changing myself, and so my responsibility within what is best for all is to change. Once I change, others have an opportunity to change. Until I change, I cannot expect others to change. And if I’m expecting others to change, I have not changed or understood the absolute reality of the mindconsciousness system that exists within/as each and every singly human being, through self-forgiveness, because if I did I would not anticipate the failure of others, and wonder why they are still allowing certain points within themselves and their life… I would rather understand, and know as I understood and took the time to know myself what it will and does take to actually, physically change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want others to change before I change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want others to lead me through their change, instead of leading myself through my own change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become perplexed by other points for people in their process, instead of remaining focus on my own process… and reflecting what I see in them, back to me… place myself in their shoes, understand what could create such a pattern/behavior/play out and take responsibility for where I have existed in a similar nature thus realizing it's not about them, it's about Me and where I still require work to change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always assume the past will repeat – in the context of others – assuming others will continue to do what they’ve always done, instead of giving them the opportunity, as I would like for myself, to walk with a clean slate, without my past being held against me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold my past against me, and to not have unconditionally forgiven, and let go of what has happened, and who’ve I’ve been, and the decisions I’ve made that did not support me within my highest potential, and did not act in ways that were best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do unto others what I have done unto myself, wherein I hold their past against them – I expect them as I’ve seen them in the past, instead of allowing each new moment with them, each new interaction, to be just that… NEW – and present, and an opportunity that it actually is to be the moment of change

What I can see here is that if we anticipate certain behaviors or patterns or play outs from those in our life, there are a couple possibilities as to why. First is – it is a reflection, a mirror those others are standing as to support ourselves to see ourselves better – to have a better glimpse into what we are accepting and allowing within ourselves, because what do we know? What we see, and react in others, exists within ourselves and that is absolutely our responsibility, and ours alone.

The second point I can see as a possibility for this to exist – the point of anticipating and expecting certain behaviors and patterns from others, is because we are still holding onto resentments, or judgments, or ideas, or beliefs, or perceptions about something that happened with them in the past. We are using a past moment with them to define who they are – placing them within a limitation of ‘that is all they will ever be’ instead of expecting the best from others, yet understanding the difficult and challenging process we are all currently facing of changing ourselves… it is no easy feat, but it is possible.

So I can see for myself past resentments and reactions towards others that I now define them as how they will always express and act and be, and there’s no consideration of a possible change. Again – this says a lot more about myself than them… it is what I’m accepting and allowing, and of course has nothing to do with ‘them’. It’s almost as if we can take ‘them’ out of the equation, and instead see ‘them’ as us and in that, we are everyone, equal and one. Then the mirror is always in our face, and there is no hiding from what we’ve accepted and allowed - we are always in a point of responsibility.

When and as I see myself anticipating and expecting certain behaviors, actions, and patterns from others, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this could be a point of me either holding the past against them, and defining them within a limitation and not allowing them the room and space and unconditional support to actually change, as well as seeing a similar point within myself wherein I am accepting and allowing myself to exist within the same behaviors, actions, and patterns that I am not changing… that I am continuing to live out without taking the responsibility I have to change it. And so I commit myself to stop focusing on others and what I expect from them, and rather use others as the gift of seeing me, of expanding within my own process wherein I utilize the equality and oneness that is here and see me in everything and everyone to change myself into ways that are best for all.

I commit myself to stop holding the past against myself and others, and rather practice unconditional self-forgiveness, wherein through self-forgiveness I get to know and understand my own shortcomings, and in turn allow myself to get to know and understand others shortcomings and then there exists no judgment, resentment, or reaction – there is simply a practical seeing of what is here, what is working, what is not, and what can be practical done to change it.