Students Ban Valentine’s Day Because It’s Offensive

Recently the public school system has restricted several Christian Traditions in fear of offending non-Christians on campus.

But what a simple non-religious — feel-good holiday like Valentine’s Day? While most universities have yet to take action against the day, would students be willing to outlaw it if they felt their peers were offended by the celebration?

In no time at all, it became obvious that students at Cornell were more than willing to go along with any measure that would supposedly make the campus a more inclusive space.

“That’s a really nice petition,” said one student, while another admitted, “I’m in a relationship, but I totally understand.”

However, one student condemned the school’s handling of the holiday in the past, saying “I would also point out the administration is really heteronormative about [Valentine’s Day] which is kinda f***** up.”

One student went so far as to ask for our contact information so they could share the fabricated petition online to gain more supporters.