William Topaz McGonagall (March 1825[1] – 29 September 1902) was a Scottish weaver, doggerel poet and actor. He won notoriety as an extremely bad poet who exhibited no recognition of, or concern for, his peers' opinions of his work.

He wrote about 200 poems, including "The Tay Bridge Disaster" and "The Famous Tay Whale", which are widely regarded as some of the worst in English literature. Groups throughout Scotland engaged him to make recitations from his work, and contemporary descriptions of these performances indicate that many listeners were appreciating McGonagall's skill as a comic music hall character. Collections of his verse remain popular, with several volumes available today.

McGonagall has been acclaimed as the worst poet in British history. The chief criticisms are that he is deaf to poetic metaphor and unable to scan correctly. McGonagall's fame stems from the humorous effects these shortcomings generate in his work. The inappropriate rhythms, weak vocabulary, and ill-advised imagery combine to make his work amongst the most unintentionally amusing dramatic poetry in the English language. His work is in a long tradition of narrative ballads and verse written and published about great events and tragedies, and widely circulated among the local population as handbills. In an age before radio and television, their voice was one way of communicating important news to an avid public.

William McGonagall's parents, Charles and Margaret, were Irish. Throughout his adult life he claimed to have been born in Edinburgh, giving his year of birth variously as 1825[2] or 1830,[3] but his entry in the 1841 Census gives his place of birth, like his parents', as "Ireland".[4] It has been suggested that McGonagall may have falsified his place of birth, as a native-born Scotsman would be better treated under the Poor Law of 1845 than one born in Ireland.[5]

McGonagall moved north and was apprenticed as a handloomweaver in Dundee, following in his father's footsteps. In 1846, he married Jean King; they had five sons and two daughters. Despite the industrial revolution slowly making weavers obsolete, McGonagall appeared to prosper, as there was still need for skilled workers to perform tasks of great complexity.[6]:v

Before he showed an interest in poetry, he displayed a keenness for acting, though Mr Giles' Theatre, where he performed, let him play the title role in Macbeth only if he paid for the privilege. The theatre was filled with his friends and fellow workers, anxious to see what they expected to be an amusing disaster. The play should have ended with Macbeth's death, but McGonagall believed the actor playing Macduff was trying to upstage him, and refused to die.[7][8]

By the 1870s, McGonagall and his family were struggling. Work as a weaver was more difficult to find and his oldest daughter shamed the family by giving birth to an illegitimate child.[6] However, an event changed him. He would write:

The most startling incident in my life was the time I discovered myself to be a poet, which was in the year 1877.[6]:vi

McGonagall claimed he was inspired to become a poet when he "seemed to feel a strange kind of feeling stealing over [him], and remained so for about five minutes. A flame, as Lord Byron said, seemed to kindle up [his] entire frame, along with a strong desire to write poetry."[6]:x He wrote his first poem, "An Address to the Rev. George Gilfillan", displaying the hallmarks that would characterise his work. Gilfillan, himself an untrained and poorly-reviewed polemic Christian preacher who occasionally dabbled in poetry, commented admiringly "Shakespeare never wrote anything like this."

McGonagall realised if he were to succeed as a poet, he required a patron and wrote to Queen Victoria. He received a letter of rejection, written by a royal functionary, thanking him for his interest.[6]:vii McGonagall took this as praise for his work. During a trip to Dunfermline in 1879, he was mocked by the Chief Templar, who told him his poetry was very bad. McGonagall told the man that "it was so very bad that Her Majesty had thanked [McGonagall] for what [the Chief Templar] had condemned."[6]:viii

The letter gave McGonagall confidence in his "poetic abilities", and he felt his reputation could be enhanced further if he were to give a live performance before the Queen. In July 1878, he walked from Dundee to Balmoral, a distance of about 60 miles (97 km) over mountainous terrain and through a violent thunderstorm to perform for Queen Victoria. When he arrived, he announced himself as "The Queen's Poet". The guards informed him "You're not the Queen's poet! Tennyson is the Queen's poet!" (Alfred Lord Tennyson was the poet laureate). McGonagall presented the letter but was refused entry and had to return home.[3] Undeterred, his poetry writing continued, and he reported events to the newspapers, earning some minor recognition.[6]:vii

Throughout his life McGonagall campaigned against excessive drinking, appearing in pubs and bars to give edifying poems and speeches. These were popular, the people of Dundee possibly recognising that McGonagall was "so giftedly bad he backed unwittingly into genius".[9] He met with the ire of the publicans, on one occasion being pelted with peas for reciting a poem about the evils of "strong drink".[10]

In 1883 he celebrated the official opening of University College, Dundee with the poem "The Inauguration of University College Dundee" which opened with the stanza:[11]

Good people of Dundee, your voices raise,
And to Miss Baxter give great praise;
Rejoice and sing and dance with glee,
Because she has founded a college in Bonnie Dundee

McGonagall constantly struggled with money and earned money by selling his poems in the streets, or reciting them in halls, theatres and public houses. When he was in periods of financial insecurity, his friends supported him with donations.[6]:viii In 1880, he sailed to London to seek his fortune, and in 1887 to New York. In both instances, he returned unsuccessful.[6]:vii

He found lucrative work performing his poetry at a local circus. He read his poems while the crowd was permitted to pelt him with eggs, flour, herrings, potatoes and stale bread. For this, he received fifteen shillings a night. McGonagall seemed happy with this arrangement, but the events became so raucous that the city magistrates were forced to put a ban on them.[6]:vii-ix McGonagall was outraged and wrote a poem in response entitled "Lines in Protest to the Dundee Magistrates":

Fellow citizens of Bonnie Dundee
Are ye aware how the magistrates have treated me?
Nay, do not stare or make a fuss
When I tell ye they have boycotted me from appearing in Royal Circus,
Which in my opinion is a great shame,
And a dishonour to the city's name (...)

In 1890, McGonagall was in dire straits financially. To help him, his friends funded the publication of a collection of his work, Poetic Gems. The proceeds provided McGonagall with enough money to live on for a time.[6]:ix By 1893, he was annoyed by his mistreatment in the streets and wrote an angry poem threatening to leave Dundee. One newspaper quipped that he'd probably stay for another year once he realised "that Dundee rhymes with 1893".[6]:x Though trying his hand at writing prose and endorsements for local businesses for a short time,[6]:x in 1894, he and his wife were forced to move to Perth.

Soon after, he received a letter purporting to be from representatives of King Thibaw Min of Burma. In it, he was informed that the King had knighted him as Topaz McGonagall, Grand Knight of the Holy Order of the White Elephant Burmah.[13] Despite the fact that this was a fairly transparent hoax,[6]:x McGonagall would refer to himself as "Sir William Topaz McGonagall, Knight of the White Elephant, Burmah" in his advertising for the rest of his life.[citation needed]

In 1895, McGonagall and his wife moved to Edinburgh. Here, McGonagall met with some success, becoming a "cult figure"[6]:x and was in great demand. It did not last long, and by 1900 he was once again destitute and now old and sickly. Though he was now too frail to walk the streets selling his poems, donations from friends, as ever, kept him afloat.[6]:xi

He died penniless in 1902 and was buried in an unmarked grave in Greyfriars Kirkyard in Edinburgh. A grave-slab installed to his memory in 1999 is inscribed:

William McGonagall

Poet and Tragedian

"I am your gracious Majesty

ever faithful to Thee,

William McGonagall, the Poor Poet,

That lives in Dundee."

Additionally, a plaque above 5 South College Street in Edinburgh shows an image of McGonagall, and bears the inscription:

"The Tay Bridge Disaster" has been widely reproduced, and recounts the events of the evening of 28 December 1879, when, during a severe gale, the Tay Rail Bridge near Dundee collapsed as a train was passing over it. It began:

McGonagall had previously written a poem in praise of the Tay Bridge: "The Railway Bridge of the Silvery Tay" "With your numerous arches and pillars in so grand array". Once the new replacement bridge had been built, he composed an ode to the new construction: "An Address to the New Tay Bridge" "Strong enough all windy storms to defy".

The memory of McGonagall was resurrected by comedian Spike Milligan. A character called McGoonagall frequently appears in The Goon Show, alternately played by Milligan and Peter Sellers. Milligan also occasionally gave readings of McGonagall's verse.

McGonagall was the subject of the newspaper column Ripley's Believe It or Not! on 11 October 2007, saying he "was often considered the world's worst poet, even by his own publisher, yet his writings are still in print a century after his death!"

Milligan further recounted McGonagall's life story in the pastiche novel William McGonagall – the Truth at Last, co-written with Jack Hobbs.[18]

In The Wee Free Men by Terry Pratchett, the Nac Mac Feegle have a battle poet, or Gonnagle, who repels the enemy through the awfulness of his poetry. Training up a successor, 'the old bard congratulates the young one: "That, lad," he said proudly, "was some of the worst poetry I have heard for a long time. It was offensive to the ear and a torrrture to the soul...a verrry commendable effort! We'll make a gonnagle out o' ye yet!"...a touching tribute to the memory of William McGonagall...famously excruciating Scottish poet'.[19]

McGonagall's home city of Dundee maintains several reminders of his life:

The William Topaz McGonagall Appreciation Society held a McGonagall Supper on board the frigate Unicorn on 12 June 1997, during which the courses were allegedly served in reverse order, starting with the coffee and ending with the starters. A short play was performed by local actors.[25]

Beginning in 2004, the Dundee Science Centre Education Outreach has hosted an annual Charity McGonagall Gala Dinner,[26] in which guests eat their meal backwards from dessert to starter and hear the welcome address as they depart, "combining traditional and unconventional entertainment, with four-course dinner, complimentary wine and whisky".

A number of inscriptions of his poetry have been made, most notably along the side of the River Tay on the pavement of Riverside Drive in Dundee. This monument contains a deliberate spelling mistake.[28]

Dundee Central Library maintains a William McGonagall Collection of his works.[29]

He is buried in an unmarked grave in Greyfriars Kirkyard, Edinburgh. From c.1950 to 1995 a memorial bench stood on the path immediately to the north side of the church commemorating McGonagall and bearing the typically McGonagall-esque inscription "Feeling tired and need a seat? Sit down here, and rest your feet". Unfortunately the bench fell into disrepair and was not replaced. It is not known what became of its small plaque.

McGonagall's poems were published by his friends, in a series of books bearing variations on the title Poetic Gems. In the modern era, the entire series is reprinted in a single collection called The Complete McGonagall. Note that although the Poetic Gems books are listed in chronological order, the time at which the poem was published often has no bearing on when it was written; the "Address to the Rev. George Gilfillan" and "Requisition to the Queen" were amongst McGonagall's earliest written poems, yet they appear in More Poetic Gems and Last Poetic Gems respectively.

A Humble Heroine: a narrative of the action of Agnes Harkness, the "Heroine of Matagorda",[30] who brought desperately needed water to soldiers at the siege. The poem refers to her as "Mrs Reston" after her soldier husband, James Reston.

Nora, the Maid of Killarney: a narrative song. Notable as one of three poems for which the original broadside publication is held in the National Museum of Scotland.[31] The original authorship gives the author as "A new song by Sir William Topaz McGonagall, Knight of the White Elephant, Burma".

The Bonnie Lass O'Dundee.

The Little Match Girl.

A Tale of Elsinore.

The Bonnie Sidlaw Hills: one of a long series of poems in praise of various places in Scotland, almost all either addressed to "lovers of the picturesque" or to unknown women; in this case, "Bonnie Clara".

Adventure in the Life of King James V of Scotland: a narrative of the "Gudeman of Ballengeich",[32] in which King James V is attacked while travelling in disguise and aided by a bondsman named John Howieson, whom he later rewards.

On one occasion King James the Fifth of Scotland, when alone, in disguise,

Near by the Bridge of Cramond met with rather a disagreeable surprise.

The Clepington Catastrophe: description of a fire occurring in a store in Clepington, on the outskirts of Dundee.

The Rebel Surprise near Tamai: narrative of an ambush by Arab forces against a British unit led by "General M'Neill".

The battle of Cressy: narrative of the British victory over the French in the Battle of Crécy.

Lines in Memoriam regarding the Entertainment I Gave on 31 March 1893, in Reform Street Hall, Dundee.

Lines in Praise of Mr J. Graham Henderson: in praise of a local tailor who give McGonagall a suit.

The Terrific Cyclone of 1893.

Tribute to Dr Murison: in praise of a local doctor who helped McGonagall while he was "ill with inflammation".

He told me at once what was ailing me;

He said I had been writing too much poetry,

And from writing poetry I would have to refrain,

Because I was suffering from inflammation on the brain.

The Kessack Ferry-Boat Fatality.

Lines in Praise of the Lyric Club Banquet which was held in the Queen's Hotel, Perth, on the Evening of 5 September 1894.

Lines in Praise of Professor Blackie.

Funeral of the Late Prince Henry of Battenburg.

Burning of the People's Variety Theatre, Aberdeen.

The Storming of Dargai Heights.

Saving a Train: a different poem to the one appearing in Poetic Gems.

The Battle of Atbara.

Lines in Reply to the Beautiful Poet who Welcomed News of my Departure from Dundee: actually addressed to the editor of the Dundee Weekly News, attacking an individual who had published a poem in response to New Year's Resolution to Leave Dundee saying, effectively, good riddance.

A Tribute to the Rev. Mr Macrae,[34] in praise of a preacher who rejected the Westminster Confession of Faith, which McGonagall found distasteful, in part because of its teaching on the fate of unbaptised infants:

Oh horrible! Most Horrible! For the Westminster Confession of Faith to tell,