The Houston Astros are Trying to Drive me Insane

Berkman before his "Fat Elvis" period, when he was known as "Pudgy Elvis."

Normally, I have a pretty good relationship with the Houston Astros. I hate Astros players, I hate their crazy owner, and I hate that glorified amusement park they call a stadium. All as it should be for the team that I consider to be the Cardinals' real rivals over the past decade. The feeling is pretty well reciprocated, too, at least by Astros fans. Those guys hate me, and I'm actually pretty proud of that fact.

But now, it seems that a couple of rogue 'Stros players are trying to destroy the antipathy I've so carefully cultivated toward them. Lance Berkman and Roy Oswalt are speaking out about steroids in baseball, and they are flat-out pissed.

See, now, this is just bullshit. How am I supposed to go on despising these guys when they're pretty much the first ballplayers I can think of with the balls to actually stand up and say something? While our own heroes here in St. Louis (Albert, I'm looking in your direction), suck up to Barry Bonds and our manager continues to worship the ground that Mark McGwire walks on, these two go out and say what has to be on the minds of all the clean players in baseball.

Look, my own indignation toward the steroid era has mostly faded,
to be perfectly honest. I've reached that point where I just flat out
don't care that much anymore. I'm just tired of hearing about it. But
the players who play clean, how in the hell are they not more pissed
off? The players who took PED's are stealing your livelihood, men!

What
happened to Bob Gibson saying he felt like the batter was trying to put
him out of a job, so he had to do it first?

So
Lance Berkman, already a classy guy and a player that I secretly root
for, all the while outwardly despising him due to the star on his hat,
and Roy Oswalt, one of my favorite pitchers in all of baseball, are now
doing what I've been waiting for someone to do all along: they're
throwing down the gauntlet. So now I have to respect these guys even
more, for having the guts to stand up and say something. At the same
time, I now have to wait (and I'm afraid it's likely going to be in
vain), to see if any of our Cardinals are going to show that same level
of fortitude.

Okay, so here goes. Mr.
Berkman, I think you're a giant among ballplayers, and an outstanding
spokesman for the game. I still refuse to call you "Big Puma," because
that's a crappy nickname; I will, however, still refer to you as "Fat
Elvis," 'cause that's awesome. If you weren't an Astro, I
would be a huge, huge fan.

The Lance Berkman Fan Club laughs at my misery

And
Mr. Oswalt, what can I say? Yes, you're a hell of a pitcher, and all
that, but I'm sick of seeing you beat the Cardinals, especially after
the '05 post-season.

You can eat a bowl of dicks. That being said, I
respect you as much as any ballplayer in the game today, and I take my
hat off to you.