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I Am Heartbroken that my Friend With Benefits is Getting Married and Wants to Remain Friends

Hello Evan,

I’ve been in love with my friend for over 5 years. We’ve been friends with “benefits” for over 2 years. Over the years, he always assumed we were just friends and as for me, I agreed with everything he said because I loved him. He told me two weeks ago, he was getting married to a girl he was into for many years. She finally accepted his proposal. I was devastated when he told me the news. I decided then I would cut him off because I could not handle it emotionally. I just wanted to crawl up in a hole and cry. So I cut him off. It was only a week since he didn’t hear from me. He got upset and came to see me. He said he was “hurt” I stopped talking to him. He still wants us to be friends and couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to carry on as we were. He didn’t think it was a big deal that he was getting married but we could still maintain being friends. He couldn’t forget me and he will never erase me from his life. How can I pretend to be his friend?

I’ve been sleeping with him for awhile. I couldn’t imagine being introduced as his “friend” to his wife. He said everything will be normal and even I’ll get married and it will eventually all work out. What should I do? Continue being there as his “friend”? Why does he still want me around even though he’s marrying the women of his dreams?

Is he just using me?

I am so confused. Does he genuinely care for as a friend? He says so but somehow that explanation doesn’t sit well with me. If he loves his future wife as deeply as he says he does, what does he need me for?

G.D.

On one hand, I can’t imagine how you could be shocked when your best friend proposes to his girlfriend. On the other hand, I can’t imagine how you’d be so heartbroken if he’s been dating someone else exclusively for two years.

There are two very important pieces of information missing from your email. And until you clarify them, it’s impossible to give sound advice. But I’m going to do my best to be a detective and figure things out, logically.

The way you tell the story, it sounds like you were the “once a week” girl for two years, and then suddenly, he informed you that he was marrying his long-term crush that he had never even dated.

But something about this scenario doesn’t add up. It seems to minimize the relationship he has with his fiancée – as if he suddenly got married on a whim. Now if he DID get married on a whim – if he proposed to a girl he’d never even dated before, then, yes, I could see why you’d feel shocked and devastated at this sudden turn of events.

However, people generally don’t marry total strangers. I’m particularly skeptical because you wrote, “she finally accepted his proposal”. This indicates to me that this was his long-term GIRLFRIEND that he was marrying – not just a long-term crush.

Which brings up another question: was he cheating on his girlfriend with you for two years? Or were you friends with benefits until he got exclusive?

This, as you can imagine, makes a huge difference when it comes to assigning responsibility for how you could have ended up here, G.D.

On one hand, I can’t imagine how you could be shocked when your best friend proposes to his girlfriend. On the other hand, I can’t imagine how you’d be so heartbroken if he’s been dating someone else exclusively for two years.

What I CAN say with all certainty is this:

He is selfish. You are clueless.

He is selfish because, whether he cheated on his fiancée or not, he has to know that you’re in love with him. And while you say that he “assumed we were just friends”, he was still having sex with you. The fact that he wants to stay in touch and act like nothing’s changed indicates that he doesn’t fully understand how much you care. Whether he wants to keep you around as a friend or as a hookup down the road doesn’t matter. Neither case works for you. Lots of guys don’t think they’re selfish when they don’t say “I love you” or make any promises about commitment, but the good ones know when they’re abusing their power. This guy doesn’t seem like a good one.

What I CAN say with all certainty is this: He is selfish. You are clueless.

As for you, G.D – “clueless” may sound harsh, but there are too many things that don’t add up in this story.

Were you investing way too much time in a man who said you were “just friends”?

Did you have a fantasy relationship with a taken guy who blew you off years ago?

Do you foolishly want to win over a man who has been cheating on his fiancée for two years? Or win over a guy who has never given any indication to you in five years that he wants you as a girlfriend.

No matter what the real story is, you’ve made some major miscalculations. No matter how selfish your guy is, it’s your responsibility for not reading the writing on the wall sooner.

Which is why my advice to you echoes exactly what you said in your original letter.

Yes, he cares about you as a friend.

Yes, he still wants to sleep with you.

No, things will never be normal.

No, you shouldn’t be friends with him anymore.

Good luck to you – and good riddance to this one-sided, unrequited love you’ve been harboring for five years. I hope you won’t accept another friends-with-benefits arrangement ever again.

Comments:

61

KB

I just went through this. Five years, I was this person’s friend with benefits. I stupidly agreed to it at first then caught feelings & found it very difficult to leave because he was nice and sweet, wasn’t disrespectful, there for me…..a friend. I told him on several occasions that I wanted more & he would tell me he is “too busy for a relationship right now” or “he isn’t ready”. Then he would back off, I start thinking he is seeing someone else so I back off only for him to come back & me stupidly allowing him only to go through the same thing. Until a year ago & I seen a pic of a girl that he claimed was just a friend at a relative’s Christmas party so I blew up at him. He claimed all these years he didn’t know how I felt even though I told him several times. Finally, we went on a trip together for the first time & he wouldn’t let me take a pic of the two of us together so I again blew up. After the trip, he started to back off. His texts became less frequent, he stopped asking me to come over. That went on for the last month until I decided to “stalk” him & road past his house early in the morning to find the same girl’s car so I questioned him & he told me that the trip made him realize we weren’t “compatible” so he wanted to just talk to me as “friends”. Right after that text I changed my number & blocked him from my Facebook page. He has strung me along for all this time knowing that we were never compatible but I was so in love that I too stupid to leave him alone & stop letting him come back. He told me the same things G.D.’s friend told her…..”we will always be friends”, “I will not stop talking to you”, “even if you get married we will still be friends”, blah blah. Run far away from him. If he played with you all this time, he isn’t a true friend & why would you want to be with a man who says “marriage is no big deal”? It will hurt! Believe me, I’ve been crying all day & crying over the last 5 years but you have to let it go. CUT OFF ALL CONTACT & good luck to you!

it seems to me that if you are FWB that you don’t allow yourself to fall in love with your friend. It is what it is, folks. It is not love. If you can be FWB without falling in love, it will go a lot better for you.

the late Maya Angelou put it very succinctly, ” when someone tells you who they are, believe them”
he let her know years ago that it wouldn’t go further, yet she clung to the thin vein of hope that
perhaps one day because of the sex and perceived friendship they shared he’d come around. that rarely
happens. these kind of relationships seem to havebecome the norm these days, but there usually seems
to be someone going terribly unfulfilled in them.

Had a similar experience but only emotionally since there was no sex and just an online friend, or so he made out to be anyhow.
But you know friends don’t hide nor play hide and seek games, feel okay to talk about themselves and are fine to have you as an “Emotional tampon” and yet ODDLY enough can never return the favor.
There are some selfish people that love love love to be admired and have friends longing for them knowing fully well how you feel, and would still just LOVE to make sure your around to SEE you in pain and still say your a Pal, rub all there sex crap in your face, and cry how someone is breaking their hearts knowing they broke yours, and a LOT more.
I cannot COUNT the times now I have ONLY seen men LOVE someone once they LEAVE them, and ME included – and I cannot tell you how utterly tired I am and will NEVER allow it again, Enough pain, Enough anger – Enough total BS and lack of respect will make you finally NEVER settle for less ever again, sometimes these things happen and pain happens to ensure that is doesn’t happen again, and that may make me a few enemies for NOT wanting to be second place or third place but guess what? Your liked whole LOT less when you allow it that is for sure, and never get to EXPERIENCE something else either.
Sure many would LOVE you to stay right where YOU are sometimes too becasue hell, You might actually DO better in relationships once your fully AWAY from their sh*t!!

hi was seeing my best male friend going for drinks and enjoying life when he asks me fwb but only no sex only I go down on him next to find out he got married I hated him for it and didn’t speak to him for 8months now his back wanting more fwb his benefits

I have been there, it is so hard to cut off someone that you have developed feelings for. Especially, if they do not want to respect your effort to leave them alone. It’s truly sad when a man would rather string a girl along than to let her go so that she can find someone who appreciates her and desires a real relationship. Guys can be very manipulative and sex just further complicates things. Emotions have a way of getting involved whether you intend for them to or not. This guy is definitely trying to play both sides and act stupid about not understanding why you don’t want to stick around for this BS. I think you would make a good loyal woman for the right man.

But women are not helpless. Regardless of whether a man is manipulative or not, a woman HAS TO look after her own best interests and make the hard decisions independent of his actions.

She’s going to feel hurt whether he wants to “just be friends” or if she cuts off ALL contact. No phone calls, no texts, no emails, no social media.

She needs to decide WHICH will hurt her MORE — IN THE LONG RUN. Or to phrase it more positively, which decision will HELP her more in the long run.

My vote is that while CUTTING OFF all contact now will feel like it’s killing her, she’s going to survive. And actually, if he really cares about her, will also hurt him too. Which I think is GOOD thing. Pain may make him re-evaluate.

The RISK (and her unspoken fear) is that IF she cuts off all contact and it DOESN’T pain him, that will be a big blow to her ego/heart/dreams what have you.

It’s the chance she has to take.

“That which doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.” — Cutting off all contact WON’T kill her AND will DEFINITELY make her stronger. If you can survive this kind of pain, you can survive anything. Been there, done that.

“If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was meant to be.” — I can tell you that I did exactly this when I fell deeply in love in my college. I cut off all contact when he made it clear to me I wasn’t who he wanted in the long run. A year later we reconnected and he is my best friend today, my rock, my confidant. I know he regrets he never gave us a chance. However, our love remains. Just not exactly in the romantic way I had wanted it. And I believe it is more beautiful and profound than it could have been had we become romantically involved.

God does work in mysterious ways. Have faith. If you’re a good person, good will happen in your life, but not always in the way you hoped or planned.

As the other poster wrote, you are the advocate of yourself. Break-up/divorce is not easy. But if you endure the acute pain as opposed to staying in unhealthy relationship, you’d be better off in the long run.

My beau and I celebrated our first year anniversary recently. Going back 14 months ago post break-up with my then BF I never would have thought I would be this wiser, content and happy. I vividly remember how hard it was to completely severe my previous co-dependent relationship. What made it easier was the gift of self-awareness. When I started looking at ME (the common denominator) and the part I played in all my relationships I knew something needs to happen.

It didn’t change the fact that moving on was not an easy feat. The thought of totally no contact was paralyzing back then. I had to stay objective and look at the bigger picture and think long term. On not so good days post break-up I put on more miles on my running shoes, pedaled my bike faster and longer, took my kayak out and paddled hours on end, reached out to my friends, volunteer etc good healthy activities. Until one day you don’t hurt as much. And if it is in the cards you may meet a man that has your best interest at heart. Either way, you’d be in better place. 🙂 Nic

Well sounds like youve finally made the right choice to cut it off. Clearly you were his his back pocket chick aka fwb. These situations never work. You can have a fling, but if friendship is involved then its asking for a broken heart. I was messing around with a younger guy, wasn’t my plan to fall for him but i started to and he clearly told me no commitment (a little too late). I chose to cut it off. Men can do this better than women. 2 years? Guys here justify the behavior by saying “we were upfront” while they know the woman has feelings for them regardless. Its just not worth the heartache..moreover, the damaging effects to ones ego. Wondering why he chose another woman and not you. Always put yourself first. If rather cry for a month, maybe miss him but not waste time we dont have. Good luck to you and i hope you don’t consider being kept as his mistress. Find someone who is loyal and wants you 100 percent not half as8ed.

My story is almost identical! Except he told me he didnt want to be in a relationship with me or with Anybody! So I went with the “Flow” I had my fck buddy and it was all good until he started inviting me out, meeting his family, going on road trips. I started to fall in love with him.He also lived with me until I put him out for having some woman show up at my door! I backed off but everytime he pulled me back. I thought we were best friends and we had amazing passionate sex!! We did everthing together! Everything! When I put him out in January, he became distant, blocked me from social media and on his birthday in April 2016 he announced he was in a relationship. (Crushed my heart) Now we’re in August and he proposed to the girl two weeks after he spent the night with me. For 4 years this man was with me n I had no idea he had a relationship on the side. Im so hurt but God is walking me through day by day. I still love him but ive totally cut off all contact

i got a friend since college we are fuck buddies but she is amazing she never get attached. she got married 2 years ago and im engaged but everytime that we saw each other we are cool and no problems at all sometimes we still have sex together, but she never put string to be attached its just sex amazing sex, you need to remember this, he just dont want to loose the friendship like i had with my friend. we knew each other like 8 years now.

The same thing happened to me just recently. I had been sleeping with a man for 4.5 years straight…weekly. He told me that there was someone, but as long as he’s not married, I felt there was still a chance. I’ve told that man over and over how much in love I was with him. He knew how I felt. He NEVER told me that he was engaged to the woman. Had he told me, I would’ve walked away. I found out 6 days before he got married that he was getting married. He didn’t tell me that either. I found out because someone mentioned a site to me that you can use to find bridal registries. I thought I’d put his name in it just for the hell of it and low and behold their names popped up! My heart stopped. I asked him if it were true, he said that he wasn’t sure. I said how could you not, you’re scheduled to get married this Saturday. I was furious. I told him that now was not the time to keep secrets or to be evasive. It’s out now. Tell me the truth. He said yes. I asked him why didn’t he tell me. He said it was because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings. How wrong is that? He should’ve stopped seeing me when he got engaged! He should’ve had the decency to tell me so that I could make the decision to continue seeing him or not. I would’ve walked away. I’m so angry! I really believe that he was NEVER going to tell me and continue having sex with me. I feel that I have a right to be angry and hurt. Yes, I do know that I shouldn’t have let it go on for so long, but he let me continue on hope. He knew I loved him. I’m hurt, but I’m so happy that I’m not in her shoes. He cheated on her throughout their WHOLE engagement. There’s no way I’d want to marry someone like that. So, I’m just going to cry until I can’t cry anymore and thank God for not letting me be on the other end.

After I got divorced I entered a sexual relationship with a guy over 4 years. I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship and was still hurt from my marriage breakup . The guy suddenly broke it off with me and disappeared for 6 months . Then he came back .I found out he had got married in that 6 months. He has tried to come back to me for the last few years.

I just think learn from your experience. Take responsibility that you didn’t want to see what was obvious now looking back. Don’t beat yourself up and don’t repeat this unbalanced relationship if thats not fulfilling.

I’m not going to be popular with my answer but here it goes.
OP got into a no strings attached sex based relationship with this man. He didn’t promise her a ring, no serious emotions, no faithfulness, just plain and enjoyable sex. She agreed to this willingly. So what motives did she have? Did she hope that he will develope feelings too? Did she think that he will be exclusive to her alone? On what basis? They call it FWB, booty call and fuck buddies for a reason. It is NOT a bad thing if you obey the rules. She broke the rules and should have ended the whole thing when she first developed feelings for him. Yes, he’s a cheater but it shouldn’t be OP’s problem. She got what she wanted: sex. He got what he wanted: a mistress.
The whole „I break contact because he has a fiancee” is hypocritical. He never promised her anything but sex, this is the whole point of the whole FWB thing. If OP wants to blame someone it’s probably herself for deluding herself.

I am so sorry this happened to you. The man I am in love with just proposed to his girlfriend today, only he told me 6 months ago he was getting back with her after we ended things. I was shocked, I was so in love with him that I couldn’t even bear the thought of him being with someone else. He cut me off pretty much right after we ended things, claiming we could stay friends, but never actually following through. I mean how could a friend who was once more than that comfort me over something HE did. He messaged me a month ago saying he missed me and how he wished things were different, and that was while he was still with his girlfriend. Now a month later he’s engaged to her, when he told me things ended sour between them the first time around and that’s why he never proposed. I guess when you really love someone, you’ll believed almost anything they tell you, and you’ll be sure not to question them in case you lose them. And it’s later on that you realise how silly you were for letting a liar like that into your life. I’ve spent most of tonight bawling my eyes out, but I know in my heart I will always love him. And I just have to wish him the best and let go. I hope you can do the same.

Don’t love him anymore. Why should u? U are right–just wish him well and let go. Cut him out of your life as much as possible and never initiate contact with him again. I suspect he was getting an ego trip out of having 2 women love him. Whatever, perhaps he and his fiancée are really meant to be.

After u cut him off, then u can heal. Btw I’m sure uve experienced being sad about a breakup, then some time later, realising u were in a better rship than before and being carefree again! The day will come (likely sooner than u expected) that u realise he hasn’t crossed your mind in quite a long time, and that ure so over him. 🙂

I just found myself in a similar situation. The man I’d been having sex with for four years got married this weekend. No, I was not “in love” with him, nor was I under the impression that we were in a “relationship” or would ever have one, as we had no common interests other than sex. What hurt me was the fact that he never informed me he had a (serious) girlfriend, let alone a fiance. I accidentally found out a week before his wedding. I asked why he didn’t feel that I deserved to know, and he spouted off some mindless dribble about being selfish and weak. I had no response for him. A few hours later, he asked me not to contact his fiance, however I already had. Not to break up their wedding, but because I felt she should know he’d been cheating on her up until a week before her wedding (and from his responses to me, there may have been more women besides her and me, which repulsed me). She told me I was desperate and she loved him and she would pray for me. I had no further response for her, either. Why would I be desperate over a man who’d been cheating on his fiance for years? Sure, I assumed he was dating other women, but there’s a big difference between casual dating and being engaged to someone. Had he told me, I would have ended our situation, but he hadn’t, and there was no way I was going to let him get away with involving me in his little games. They got married anyway, and she boasts about marrying “the love of her life”, but unless she monitors his actions 24/7, he will more than likely find someone else to explore his sexual fantasies with.

Ditch that guy in the rubbish bin like a paper ball. Start afresh in life, move on, start dating other guys and be choosy. Don’t waste your time with that type of losers. Meet someone who will treat you like a princess. Don’t start complicating your life with that horrible experience. There are plenty of fish in the sea and you are a gem…

Yes you should end the friendship right away as the person said in her reply to your email this guy is indeed selfish he needs to except that you two never were and never will be just friends he needs to get over himself

I too went through this that recently and I am miserable. I know why VanGogh cut off his ear it hurts so bad. The woman is getting married to some guy she knew 12 years ago. In spite of me being very comfortable financially, normal, settled in, etc.

I would go to the wedding and when they priest ask if anyone opposes I would say me. Then Reply how could you marry her after the last two years we been having sex … Then say its…fine she can have you…you say I realized i was number one…sorry sweety your second best…good luck having a husband who been cheating with the other girl…and then walk away head up no regrets …he is using you….men like having the other woman…around…

Sad to say that this has happened to me also. You should look up Narcissist and Codependent dance. It REALLY helped me get a better understanding of myself and him. I also went into therapy. God bless you Dear.

Happy Clients

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