Month: September 2016

Lying here on the cold floor staring at the ceiling. It’s so blank. As blank as your face these days. I used to know so much from your face. I knew exactly what you were feeling by looking into your eyes. Those beautiful eyes told me so much. Now all I see is darkness.

And distance.

You are so far away these days. Where are you when I’m talking to you? I wish you’d take me with you. Perhaps that’s why I’m so lonely now even with you near me. Because you left me here and went wherever it was you went.

Perhaps that’s why I’m lying here on this cold floor.

As cold as you. As cold as your touch and your stare these days. Your stare used to warm me,unwind me in the most beautiful way. Now it leaves me stripped,bare,naked,self-concious. Like you are judging me with those eyes,your beautiful eyes. Comparing me to someone else.

Someone better than me?

Is it the one you’re with in your head when you’re with me? The one you share your fantasy land with? Your body is with me but your soul is there.

I wish this blank ceiling would speak to me. Give me answers,some sort of ‘writing on the ceiling’ but I doubt that’s forthcoming. Even the fly that was hanging there just left. Now I’m totally alone. I’ll have to find the answers myself…..

If I had a portal that goes back in time,I’d go back to the year 2012 (and even further back coz there’s so much I’d like to do 🙂 ) That was the year I was in form 2 at Moi Girls’ school Nairobi,16 years old,with a head full of dreams and no idea what to do with my future.
Shiraku Tess.

Form 2 R.

September,

18,2012.

Dear 16 year old self,

Gosh! How’s it going? I know you won’t believe it but it’s me! I mean it’s you,yaani it’s us – I’M YOU 🙂 Yeap,it’s you from the future. I know you’ve been waiting for something like this for a while now,what with all those Sci-fi movies you like watching(hahaha,geek).

Now before you get all excited,the future isn’t as hyped as it is in the movies. No electric trains yet,but they just started building this thing called The Standard Gauge Railway and it’s a big deal so there’s still hope. Bado matatu tauts rule Nairobi. Oh and Uhunye is president,Raila won’t win in 2013! (talk about spoilers,hehe).

Form two,huh? Damn,how is double chemistry treating you? I know you’re feeling like strangling the teacher and asking yourself “Sasa periodic table itanisaidia aje in future?” Truth is,it really won’t unless you want to be a pharmacist(which you won’t be,lol) or you want to be a false evangelist(there’s this pastor called Kanyari you’ll hear about!). But you really need to study it coz you want to get an A of 82 points in form 4(which you won’t get but you’ll get over it 🙂 tihihi ) Don’t blame Mr.Temu when you fail chem,you are the problem hehe.

Adolescence has just hit you for the second time. That explains your boobs and bum growing overnight. And your rebel streak! Can’t wait to grow up,huh? Get an ID? Go to Uni? Move out coz dad is stressing you like you can’t believe? Well you better rethink that coz adulthood is no walk in the park. It’s more like a long walk in a big jungle like the Amazon,it’s dark and scary where every living thing is carnivorous!!!! Did I paint that picture right? It’s a cruel place out there. Enjoy being a kid coz in about 4 years,you’ll be paying rent and bills za stima na maji 😦 (Not with your own money yet,ya mum na dad,but it’s still stress.) Alafu,continue ignoring those suitors……you’ll get better ones in future 😉

Everyone knows what they want to be in future except you? Wambui knows. Dee knows. Ni wewe tu? Well according to the rules of time travel,I’m not supposed to change anything so I’ll give you a hint :It’s what you do best 🙂 Keep dreaming love. And just be yourself (you’re a weirdo and everything but you’re great 🙂 .

Make lots of friends by the way,whaaat! You’re going to meet these two lovely girls from high school in University. You’ll be roommates in 2nd year. You’ll have a swell time I promise you 🙂 Next time I’ll tell you all about.

One more thing! There’ll come a time you’ll be insecure about so much stuff. Your body. Your talents. Your worth. There’s so much I’d like to tell you to assure you of how great you are,how beautiful,intelligent and capable you are but I’ll need a whole other letter for that! Plus,it’s better if you experience stuff yourself,it’ll be better that way. In the mean time,just know that you are amazing,strong and loved 🙂

Ps,you won’t be getting a phone till you’re 18! Yeap,life’s like that 🙂

I wear those baggy jeans. And that awful thing they do- sagging almost to the knees.

Okay,maybe not that low.

But enough for my briefs to show.

Why is that so? Why do boys do that? Its just their thing I guess.

I’ve blown my cover by now.

Or I never had one from the start.

Am I just a delusional girl?

Thinking I can pass for a boy?

With my big boobs and girly coy?

With my ample bum,my soprano voice?

Why did I even try?

I wanted to be heard. Oh yeah,that’s right!

To be someone’s son. To have a place at the table of men. To have a voice that’s respected by men. To not feel left out. To stop living a lie about this thing called gender equality.

Who’s this gender equality? Oh,she’s a second cousin,once removed. Simply put,she’s not family!

Equality. Away with the double standards! Am I asking for too much?

Okay,maybe I wanted a lot more too.

But since I’m not a boy,I’ll need a platform. A microphone. Some speakers. I’m start enough,they’ll listen to a smart girl.

It takes a lot to be a boy,I just dont have all that.

I might be a tomboy,but it don’t make me a boy.

I’ll stick to being a girl,I have the necessary apparatus anyway 🙂

thequeerpoeto_O
Thequeerpoet is a budding poet from Nairobi. She’s a self-confessed feminist,who loves boys and chips mwitu. She reads and writes when she’s not eating chips mwitu or chatting up cute studs,lol!