Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Question for the fellas: How come you don’t call me anymore?

What I wanna know, baby
If what we had was good
How come U don't call me anymore?

Yes, today we're talking about the phone drama! Ladies (sent in 24 questions on this topic) want to know:

Will he call?

Won't he call?

How can I get him to call?

Should I call or send a text?

He said he would call but he hasn't?

I would call but I don't want to seem pressed?

He used to call and now he doesn't?

He said he's too busy to call but I see him sending tweets and updating his FB status…

Arrgh! So much drama over communication. There's such a passive-aggressive power struggle over who calls whom and when! But this week isn't about my opinions. I enlisted the services of two of the BnB brethren to share their opinions. I asked the question – If everything is all good, why would you stop calling?

Man don't want, man don't call. It's Just. That. Simple. Naw, sis – I ain't trapped under a building or playing it cool. I'm doing something else with someone else who is not you. Maybe you thought it was all good, guess I didn't so I'm gone. If I change my mind, I'll call you back. Meanwhile, if you really feenin' for a brotha, hit him up and let him know. You may get lucky. 3:00 am gets lonely. I don't say this ish to be mean, I'm just being real.

There could be a hundred reasons why I haven't called… yet. I'm working, I'm sleepy, I'm out of town, we're not exclusive and I'm seeing more than one person, my phone died, I initiated the call the last ten times and I'm waiting on you to call me or I'm dialing your number right now! Ladies have got to chill out. If the script was flipped and the woman didn't call me, I'd call her and say what's up. If she blows me off, I fall back. Sure, I wonder what happened, why we went from "all systems go" to "do not enter" but I won't obsess over it. I think the bigger question is – what happens when one person thinks it's "all good" and the other person doesn't? But back to your point. If a man wants to be with you, he will find a way. Believe that.

And alright then. BougieLand, do you agree with Riley? Charlie? Ladies and gents, who has done the fade to black no explanation? What's the latest in phone call etiquette? Who calls who first? How long should it take to return a call or text? Who (like me) believes that same or better communication should be returned (i.e – if I call, don't text me back)? Thoughts, comments, insights? The floor is yours…

128 comments:

Jubilance
said...

I can't argue with any of this. I've always believed that people make time for the things they want to do. If someone isn't calling you, or conversely you aren't calling, then something more interesting or important must be taking up their time. I generally give a guy a couple of calls before I send him to the Island of Lost Men. If I've left messages and he doesn't return them, or doesn't seem eager to talk when I call, I'll fall back. Don't wanna hound someone who isn't interested, because I know I hate it when it's done to me.

I generally don't have a rule about the first call - when I want to, I'll call. I just hate getting those 8000 calls & texts every single day. I know I'm busy, I don't need that much communication. Even when I'm dating someone, a quick phone call or text is fine. But all day everyday? I need you to go gt some business, STAT.

Did any of the ladies ask about men who will text all day & will never call? I'd love to hear from the men about that one.

I'm sorry but... I'm a little like, really!?! We want the fellas to tell us why they don't call!?! WE KNOW WHY THEY DONT CALL, THEY DON'T WANT TO! I don't care why you don't want to, I don't care to know how to make you, you either do or you don't.

That being said, one of my older girlfriends put it to me like this when I got caught up. "Do not make that man crush you, if he's not calling you, you're not important to him. Let him leave you with some dignity and don't run behind him looking for closure. He's letting you close the door yourself." - Thanks Bobbi, cuz that right there changed my dating life.

1. He doesn't want to seem pressed, so he waits for you to make the first move. It's a dumb play, but I see brothas do it WAY too often. They feel it's the way to keep the power play in their favor. They forget that power comes in many forms. Sometimes the power of INTEREST is the most powerful play of them all.

2. He's not interested in you. Period. You were cool for the 10 minutes he talked to you, then... you weren't. Simple as that. I used to get TONS of numbers from women I never had any intention of calling. It was a matter of habit... or... ego. Either way... ladies, if he isn't calling you back... MOVE ON because HE HAS.

People should read He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys. Yeah it's a silly pop psych book, but I'm assuming more people will pick that up than say 4-5 scholarly journal articles about dating, LOL. Anyway, the book makes it clear. There is no excuse not to call that is valid. The bottom line is if someone matters to a person, they receive calls. Men not interested do not call. Men over-interested and may end up possessive or abusive call too much. Avoid both of these situations.

I LOVE ME SOME RILEY!!! Ladies if you thought what Riley said was too mean or not true, then you don't get it. Most men won't be that blunt, but that's the honest to God truth. (You know that truth that you say you want a man to give you?)

Now Charlie gave a more "less injurious" answer, yet still true. There could actually be a reason, other than "He's Just Not That Into You" (read the book), but the bottom line is a man is going to do everything he can to get the woman he really wants. So once you make that one call/message that says, "Hey what's going on?", leave it alone. Two reasons: 1) If you seem pressed, some men will take advantage of that and misuse your desperation. 2) Don't start something that you don't want to to continue. Meaning if you start out being the aggressor, that's the way it will always be. Problem is he WILL one day think you are too pushy and resent you for it. IMHO

This brings to mind the Hunter and the Rabbit from one of Chele's previous posts. Be the rabbit, but don't be a "Silly Rabbit" cause tricks are for kids! LOL

2) Don't start something that you don't want to to continue. Meaning if you start out being the aggressor, that's the way it will always be. Problem is he WILL one day think you are too pushy and resent you for it.

I agree with Riley completely. We all make time for what we really want. If he aint calling, the reason is simple. I might call once, but after that, it's time to delete your number and move on.

Based on recent experiences, I'd have to say that phone etiquette is sadly lacking (or maybe I just don't know the new "rules"). My momma raised me to (a) not call someone's house after 9, unless I knew them like that, and (b) to call someone that same day or the next day, not a week later, if I say I'm going to call them back. But the thing that annoys me the most is the fade to black then pop back guys.

Also, the texting all the time gets on my nerves. Imo, texting should be reserved for people you know well or a quick informational message (e.g. I'll call you at 6). You can't get to know someone in 160 character intervals. It's simply not possible. If someone consistently texts me, even when I call him, I write him off as someone who isn't really interested in getting to know me.

Its not us, its you... unless IT IS us, and not you. I say that to say this, if we are interested then we will stop at nothing to be with you. If not, then we won't. That could be for many reasons... like where our head and your head is at the time or if something just isn't right chemistry-wise. Depending on how we see you, your personality, or our encounters it can go a few different ways: (1)no bueno, (2)chex only, (3)still evaluating, or (4)head over heels. Some men will fall back just because we are not committed to anyone and its a leisure thing (until it isn't anymore), or we want you to step up & show some interest as well. But if we do show attention, time will tell exactly why we are "putting in work", so try not to get caught up just on that when we do call.

After lots of unnecessary angst in my wasted youth, I learned it's best to operate from that position right there. If dude ain't calling, he ain't interested and/or is otherwise occupied. Either way, I can't take it personally, I just need to get some business that is not obsessing about why dude hasn't called.

So. I'ma just be frank about it: if there's one question that the Ladies ALWAYS have, it's this one and at this point, I feel like we're asking because we're hoping for a different answer. I really don't know what else could be the answer other than the obvious... he ain't callin' because he don't wanna talk to you and further, if you want to talk to him, maybe you oughta pick up the phone, seeing as they work both ways.

I'm wit' it, tho. I've played this game. Don't wanna look too thirsty or desperate or nothing, since, thanks to Twitter and the blogosphere, we know how much "thirsty and desperate broads" are desired... O_o. Anyway, it's the same answer we always get. A vacillation between "he don't want you" and "if you wait 3 more seconds, he's probably going to call."

Having said all that, men, could y'all stop making these women think you're going to call when you already know you're not? I know, that sounds potentially painful, but "I'll give you a call tomorrow" is SOOOOOO unnecessary when you know you won't. If you don't know how you're feeling, asking her to call you works. You'll know exactly how you're feeling when her name comes across your screen. That gut reaction is everything.

Did any of the ladies ask about men who will text all day & will never call? I'd love to hear from the men about that one.

This here... THIS HERE! My fav was the dude who ALWAYS text me, but midway thru the conversation (yeah, ok, my fault for entertaining it, but honestly, I'm getting to be indifferent about it these days) wanted to try to play it like it was my fault. "How come we only talk via text?" he'd ask me. He'd get the O_o every time. ::sigh::

I have to agree with #1 and add on. I follow a 20something male on Twitter yesterday that made a comment about wanting a better grade of woman, but he's lazy and doesn't like to chase. He then defined the chase as calling, even if it was just one time. He stated that there are far too many women willing to do the chasing, and though they're not the quality that he's seeking, he's okay with it because it keeps them chasing him and keeps him in control.

Gottta roll with my dude charlie on this!! And I would even add remember that you can only be responsible for your choices not others. You can only make your decisions according to their actions but you can't worry about their actions...

I would suggest you start a tutorial session for teens and work it all the way up to the 20somethings. I'd start with Self-Esteem 101 and Ways to Quench Your Thirst Without Being Thirsty. Hopefully by the time they hit 30, they'll have their ish together.

I've been taught that as well and because of this, I sometimes have a problem with as Alvin Milton put it, "step up & show some interest too." Seriously, some of the menfolk are trying to hold some outlandish auditions, but I guess that's another topic, lol...

Thank you! It goes back to yesterday's post about lies. I'd rather you not say you'd call me (or better yet, say you won't, but I know that's not going to happen) than say you will and just not do it. Just be straight with me.

And since you're owning this Charlie (+3 for you)... I can add that I think this is a people problem, not a gender problem. I have female friends who end conversations by saying "let me call you back..." instead of "goodbye." And because I mean "I'm going to call you back" and further mean I'm going to do so before the end of the day, it took me a few rounds to learn they don't know any better and not to stay near the phone in anticipation for that call back. Ish still irks me, because it's unnecessary, but I get that some folks just don't think.

But I think when we're talking about these types of situations, that's just completely unacceptable. It's either a lack of consideration, or pre-planned bullshiggity, but either way it's turrible.

IMO, if you just met, yes it really should fall into the "victimless lie" category. It's not so much about the ideal thing, it's about being realistic about situations. If you were the 1st phone number of the night, aye... lol sorry but unless you knocked his socks off, you're probably gonna be the last one on his mind. LOL, things like that we have to charge to the game... or be one of the last ones to arrive at an event.

I have one suggestion for the fellas - if you are going to do the disappearing act by not calling, don't REAPPEAR! That is no not sexy! I am going to assume you are not interested because you disappeared. So when you reappear and I play you to the left you want to act hurt, WTH???

My boyfriend asked me once what made me interested in him, and besides personality and sincerity and all that good stuff, I told him that honestly a big part of it was that he wasn't afraid to show interest under the pretext of playing a game. I'm not the passive type; I expect both initiative and reciprocity. So a guy who doesn't call in order to see what I'm going to do is going to be left in the dust. As far as I'm concerned, that kind of passive-aggressive behavior will only continue into the relationship, so I'll pass.

I love this topic! Both men and women do the same thing. It is done mostly with the intent of not being rude, but really - it is just setting you up for uncomfortable situations later. MEH - call or don't call, and it will be acted on accordingly. Either way, I have to still go to work to get paid, go to the gym to work out, and cook a meal to eat, so life should not be spent waiting on a hint to pop up out of thin air.

However, if you run into somebody you led on to believe you were going to call but didn't, try something other than "You know what? I lost the number you had given me." or "I dropped my phone in the washing machine and lost all my numbers!" We have all done this at some point, and it would just be easier to say "I was trying to be polite, and I know that was wrong. I didn't want to call, and I won't call you now. Wow! That felt GOOD to get that off my chest! Have a good day - bye!" That would clear up so much stuff.

BTW - if you do call, please adhere to etiquette, and the request of the one you are feeling: do not call past a certain time, do not call if you have nothing to say, and if you have the number and forgot the name it was attached to, be honest instead of trying to play it off and start calling random names. That will get you hung up on at my house...

hm...gonna have to agree w/ both the bruhs on this...however i know for me...i guess i have 2 extra reasons...

1) i don't want to come off as excessively chasing...but reading the comments, i guess i'm supposed to be more thirsty than a high school track team at Penn Relays...

2) most of the time, i really don't have much to say...there have been many a time when i'm on the phone...and i'm just doing the uh-huhsay whaa?wow?danng, *snicker*...and getting away w/ that for a couple hours.

i figure if i have something to say quick...shoot a text...and if i want to talk to you...like TALK to you? i find a way to meet up with you face to face.

I have female friends who end conversations by saying "let me call you back..."

I think I belong to that group as well... I have an angry mob after me right now because I haven't returned any phone calls in the past couple of weeks... I am busy with other things and I don't want to bother talking on the phone right now... Although this is not relationship-related, it might fall under the same principle... When I say I will get call you right back, I probably mean it at the time... but because phone calls are on the very low end of my totem pole of priorities, other things come in the way and I don't.

But to be honest, I still talk to people who are important... so it goes back to you make time and sacrifice for things that are important to you, period.

Maybe this should be one of the questions for the fellas. I've always been of the "if he's interested he'll chase me" school of thought, but sometimes I wonder if that can lead to both of us thinking the other person isn't interested.

Ok then let's take out the word "chase" and input "pursue". I think chase seems more like "thirsty", which I don't think either party should be. But we women have our way of batting an eyelash or two, or smiling/flirting to show our interest (even through the phone). If the man doesn't take that as a green light, then it wasn't meant to be. I have guy friends and I know how they are when they're interested in someone...If chasing always puts you in the friend zone, then maybe you're hunting in the wrong forest. IMHO

It took me a while to realize that when I man says "I'll talk to you later" women think you mean the same day. For us that means before one of us dies, maybe. I don't say this anymore.When you know better, you do better.

I'm not sure how calling a girl you're interested in is thirsty, but that's fine. Neither here nor there as long as you can see the advantages to calling when you say you will.

I'm all about NOT being on the phone if there's nothing to say. I think the larger point is about men not making ANY contact post date even though they have said they would and/or seemed interested. If you're the face to face type that's fine, but then do that if you have serious interest.

I agree with Riley and Charlie. It's funny because after reading Riley's response, I did a head nod and said, "Yup". These lines that did it for me though, "But back to your point. If a man wants to be with you, he will find a way. Believe that." It reminds me of what my father told me when I was a teenager, "Don't chase a man, let him chase you. If he wants to be with you, he'll make it happen."

Questions:Ladies and gents, who has done the fade to black no explanation? I'm guilty of doing this, all the time. If I feel we're not compatible I don't waste any more time trying to get to know someone because in my eyes, i'm wasting time.

What's the latest in phone call etiquette? I don't know. I like to keep things simple. If you call me, I will call you back, and vice versa.

Who calls who first? I'm old-fashioned, so I believe the man should call first. In my case though, I don't like to give out my phone number, and I don't ask for their's... Yes I know bougieland, you're probably scratching your head like, "Well how are you supposed to communicate?" My philosophy is, if I see you on the street, holla. Otherwise keep it moving (i'm trying to change this after my friends gave me the laser side-eye)

How long should it take to return a call or text? I say within a day. If I call/text you, and you get back to me in say three days to a week, nope, not going to work. I know people are busy, but you can do a quick, "Hey I see you called/texted, i'm busy can I catch up with you in a little bit. Just acknowledge the call/text.

I used to obsess over these sort of things. I think it may be in our nature as women to want to KNOW, to need an answer to our question, for an answer to the conundrum to why he stopped calling, when it seemed that "all systems were go". But then I started thinking more like ThinkLikeRiley, and realized if he doesn't call, he doesn't want me, case closed. I'm not saying that realizing that "all systems are NO" doesn't suck--BUT it certainly reduces the stress of it all dramatically. My rule is to NEVER be anxiously awaiting someone's call, regardless of what the signs say.