Why professional liars like me fear social media, by Michael Gove

Recenty, a number of constituents have written to me to express genuine, right-wing concerns about the way social media is negatively affecting proffessional liars like me. Several of them described quite extreme cases where a younger relative has obtained access to fact-based information online, after violently shunning the centrist Murdoch press with aggressive words.

It is true that social media must be lauded allowing unprecedented interconnection and sharing of information between individuals, and the majority of people using social media to share selfies, funny videos of cats, or Daily Mail articles.

And although the vast majority of people use social media with moderation, there is now a hard-core minority who use social media to talk Brexit and the British Government down, putting in jeapardy British industry, the NHS, and even my own hard-won job as a professional liar.

By allowing ordinary people to fact check my lies and then expose my deceptive behaviour to tens of thousands of other people, social media is distorting politics and leading impressionable young people astray, breaking the natural connection between young people and the Conservative Party.

I have no doubt that most social media users between the ages of 16 and 35 would now be fully paid up members of the Young Conservatives, were it not for the corrupting influence of facts and the free exchange of ideas and information that fake news platforms like Facebook facilitate.

What’s more, Rupert Murdoch told me that if the younger generations continue to shun his loss-making fake news papers, he may have to shut them down altogether before too long. I know I am not alone in lamenting the imminent demise of much of the far-right press, whose long-term brianwashing of the British electorate has kept an otherwise centre-left country under the yoke of cruel right wingers for many decades.

This all needs to change, if democracy and the rule of law is to be protected. Something needs to be done about young snowflakes who use social media to defile Britain by rejecting Brexit and Tory misrule.

Therefore, if I become the next Prime Minister I will make church attendance compulsory on a Sunday, I will crack down on social media use by the young, and I will restore the Sun as the main source of news for the British electorate.