This is a daily account of my ups and downs, my experimentation on helping control my condition, and I hope that it helps put this problem into perspective. If you are bipolar, you are not crazy, and you are not alone. Currently I am not on prescription medicine because of the adverse side effects, so I am trying to change my lifestyle and habits, and hopefully one day I can effectively control my condition.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

So, I'm contemplating how I can fit more into my day, and it is driving me crazy. There are so many things that I think I need to do, but I can't get them all accomplished in the day. I have been doing a lot of things myself. Such as, I make my own laundry detergent, cleaners, jam (and other canned things), concoctions such as playdough and paints for the kids, and it's really fun. However, there are things I need to do, so many appointments to keep, shuffling the kids to and from places they need or want to go, and then there is writing. I am trying to keep up...I really am.

I got some bad news the other day about my glucose test, and now I have to go in for a 3 hours glucose test on Tuesday (I have a doctor's appointment on Monday). I'm also waiting on a new referral for the high risk pregnancy specialist and waiting for my authorization for my therapy. I need therapy. There are too many things going on in my life, and I need some perspective. Had a terrible panic attack last night, because I felt like my baby wasn't moving as much as she should be. She's pretty calm nearly all day. Thankfully, she kicks the crap out of me all night.

I planted a lot of seeds today, and hope they sprout. I'm trying to train myself to be more self-sufficient; especially since I can't really get a job...

Monday, April 2, 2012

I so hate depression. I miss my mania and things are not going my way. Realized my propane was on '0' (if you have natural gas, you may not understand, but propane is prepaid and they come and fill up a tank, so once it is gone, it's gone) and I don't get paid until the 20th, so that means no hot water, clean clothes, dishes, children...etc. That made ma upset enough...

Then I get a message saying my appointments with the genetic counselor and for an ultrasound to check on baby's kidneys have been canceled, because my insurance changed! Well, apparently at the beginning of April my insurance changed, and the doctor I was referred to doesn't take it. I didn't get a notice in the mail or anything, so now I'm very stressed about not knowing if my baby is ok. I was so looking forward to the ultrasound tomorrow and finally getting a step closer to knowing if she was alright, but now I have to wait for another referral and appointment...however long that is going to take.

I have been crying all morning. I'm broke and feel helpless...hopeless... I hope my assessment is processed quickly so I can go back to my therapist soon. The anxiety and depression is driving me insane. I just want to go back to bed. Unfortunately, I have things to do. Have to go to the bank and deposit the little money I do have so the checks I wrote don't bounce tonight. How pathetic. Then...I am broke again and have to worry about what to feed the family...and how to cook it. :(