What I Have

A few months ago, I wrote a post about my need to maintain hope and positivity when things are really bad. But, admittedly, I’m not Polyanna. I sometimes start to lose sight of the pretty rainbows when there are so many dark clouds and storms and tornadoes in front of me.

We’re all feeling a lot of things right now, aren’t we?

If you’re like me, you don’t want to feel hurt and confused and scared. You’d rather feel angry, because it’s an easier feeling to cope with. A safer feeling. Anger gives us energy, even if it’s the “wrong” kind of energy, while sadness takes the energy away.

If you’re like me, you don’t want to feel hopeless and helpless. It’s scary feeling, isn’t it? You don’t want to feel cynical and pessimistic. But you also don’t want to feel like everything will be back to normal next week, because how can it be “normal” when everything around us seems to be falling apart?

If you’re like me, you don’t even want to make funny, lighthearted blog posts because it doesn’t seem right to laugh about anything today.

I want to crawl into a cave and make it all go away. I want to watch obnoxiously cheerful television and pretend that it’s reality. I want to avoid social media sites, where half of my friends are denouncing the entire Black Lives Matter movement, because they don’t truly understand its purpose.

I don’t want to feel sad, nor do I want to feel angry.

If you’re like me, you feel tired right now. Maybe numb.

But…I can take a breath, and dig a little deeper.

I can remember that I’m lucky, because I haven’t personally lost a loved one to any acts of violence in the past few months. I can feel sad, but I don’t have the right to feel completely hopeless. I need to remain positive for the people who truly no longer can.

After all, I can’t help change a world that I have no hope for. If I think that my words and actions make no difference, then I’m part of the problem, aren’t I? I need to come out of my cave and into the light. I need to try harder to see the rainbows, even if I need to borrow someone’s binoculars in order to do so.

This is still a good world. This is still a beautiful life. I have a family who loves me, and friends to laugh with. I have music and singing and Youtube videos of puppies. I have a roof over my head. I have a job that I not only enjoy, but draw meaning from, and I have hobbies like crocheting and writing. I have chocolate. I have queso.

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7 thoughts on “What I Have”

This is a lovely post Amanda.
It’s a sad time in the world and some people will never bounce back from the hell going on. It breaks my heart and like you, makes me feel very tired. I use my gratitude journal to remind myself of all the things I have each night. I think it’s a good time for all of us to utilize something like that.

Thanks Nikki. This post was one of those that you start writing just for yourself, to process, but then I thought it might be good to post it. I’ve tossed around the idea of keeping a gratitude journal before – I may just have to start one!

I’ve had those posts. 🙂 i’m glad you shared it. I used to use a notebook, but I have an app now. I never thought I use it, but I like laying in bed with my phone at the end of the day, all relaxed. Taking that downtime works for me. ❤