Gillette Fusion
Release Date: Early 2006
Price: $11.99That’s right my friends, five blades. Count em. FIIIIIIIIVE. Didn’t think it would happen in your lifetime did you? Well, neither did most of us. So how does everyone feel about the new Gillette Fusion? So far, it’s receiving mixed reviews. “The Gillette Fusion, which comes in powered and unpowered versions, is here and it wants its man back. Basically, it has one more blade, but to hear Gillette talk about it should you encounter God, God would be cut.”

But how do you really feel? “We didn’t claw our way to the top of the razor game by clinging to the two-blade industry standard. We got here by taking chances. Well, five blades is the biggest chance of all.” That’s right, “this is our chance to make razor history. Let’s dream big. All you have to do is say that five blades can happen, and it will happen.” Hallelujah! And we haven’t even gotten to The Onion yet.

But why? Why are we at this crossroads of razor crossroads? What is the Fusion all about? It’s “a wet-shaving system with a lot more bells and whistles than the company’s Mach3Turbo and M3Power, currently the top-selling shavers.” Ok, and…“Gillette Fusion is ‘the future of shaving.” At stake for Gillette? “American men spent about $1.7 billion on blades and razors last year, and another $300 million on shaving creams and gels. Globally, shaving products accounted for more than $10.4 billion in sales.” Fascinating. And the company feels, for sure, that they can pull this off, “When you’re on top, people talk. That’s the price you pay for being on top. Which Gillette is, always has been, and forever shall be, Amen, five blades, sweet Jesus in heaven.”

Look for the “Precision Trimmer blade on the back of the blade cartridge, to be used to trim sideburns or shape facial hair,” and other high-tech advances like “Its cartridges&mdash;which will also fit on the manual version&mdash;have a super-thin coating that Gillette says provides for an even closer shave.” WOOOO-WEEEEEEEEE. Throw in an electronic chip “to regulate voltage and otherwise ensure that the ‘shaving experience’ is consistent as the battery drains” and you’ve got something special.
Heres’ to you Gillette. God bless the Fusion and the number five.Do Men Want an Even Closer Shave? [The New York Times]Fuck Everything, We’re Doing Five Blades [The Onion]Gillette 5 Blade Razor [Gizmodo]