Anxiety

I’ve always had sleep issues, I just didn’t understand that they weren’t normal. It would regularly take me hours to fall asleep even long before homework kept me up till the small hours of the morning. It wasn’t rare to “pass” my dad getting up for work - in my defense, the man got up at 4:30 AM for YEARS - when I was finally sacking out for the night. But no teenager sleeps well, right?

(cw: discussion of suicide)
I’ve been thinking lately about chronic illnesses and the “Spoon Theory”. Basically, the idea is that activities that healthy people factor into their days automatically - getting dressed, showering, going about their normal daily routines - can be costly enough to people with chronic illnesses that they may not have enough energy to do them all, or have very little left over - they have a much tighter “energy-budget” to work within.

I’m feeling really upbeat and thankful right now which is strange, because the end of this week was really a struggle. I can’t yet decide if there is comfort or horror in the knowledge that the bad days will end, and that if I can keep everything well balanced they pass in days and not weeks or months. The thing is, if bad times always end, and they do, then so do the good times.

During the very first Sounders game I ever watched, the keeper at the time (Casey Keller) got a red card. The game did not go well to say the least, but I was watching at a friends house with friends and I had a good time. Between then and now, I’ve tried on a lot of different kinds of Sounders-fan hats. I’ve held season tickets for multiple years, spent a year fully in supporters section and a couple before that in the seats just above it.

I just got home from what I believe was my first Oscars viewing party. I’m a little tired, a little wired, and looking forward to settling into a bit more digital farming for the evening and maybe eating the last piece of pizza in the fridge. This kind of movie-centric gathering is not something that I usually do, since I have am pretty unadventurous when it comes to movies. They’re supposed to make you feel and engage, but sometimes it’s too much; Who would choose to feel overwhelmingly sad, or scared, or angry?

Sometimes I really hate my brain. Today, as a totally random example, has been utterly awful. I woke up out of a nightmare half an hour before my alarm, spent the next 20 minutes fishing around for someone to distract me so I would make sure I didn’t fall back asleep (and resume being pursued by a creepy monster while stringing multiple men along romantically and trying not to miss a ferry) and the next hour trying to persuade myself to start my day.

A twitter buddy of mine is committing to writing 500 words a day on some topic, and invited others to join her. Feel free to write alongside us, exercise those grammar muscles, and do a little wordsmithing. The hashtag on twitter is #500wordsAbout.
I learned to knit from a friend at work. I saw it as a way to bond with other women I respected, to learn something new, and to get to play with soft and pretty things.

Sarah Ditum had a wonderful article published in the New Statesman today that really brought home just how terrifying the regression of reproductive rights is for me. Roe vs Wade was argued a decade before my birth; I’ve never known a time when I didn’t have at least lip-service to the right to decide whether I wanted to continue a pregnancy or not. I was barely of voting age the last time the Global Gag Order was reinstated.

I started therapy with a therapist whose primary approach is Cognitive Behavior Therapy, rather than “just” check-ins with my prescribing doctor about my moods & how the meds are going, in early February. That shit is HARD. I’ve heard “lets look at it a different way” and “But what if it wasn’t?” a LOT, recently. Lots about self-care, and ways to basically hack my life and manage expectations so that I feel better about where I am now, rather than frustrated about where I could be.

We’re finally wrapping up 2015, and a lot of people seem to like doing some kind of end of year wrap-up. That’s not usually me, but since I’m at the edge of someplace good, and it’s the edge of the year, just this once I’m going to make an exception.
Ladies and gentlemen, the State of the Rachael - is strong. No, really. I think me and my doctor are done adjusting meds for awhile, and while life isn’t perfect, it’s so much better than it was a year or even six months ago, that there really isn’t any comparison.