Tuesday, June 24, 2008

So, I told everyone that I was coerced into invited to write some Chick Lit over at ChapterBytes, right? Well, I wrote my chapter today and I sent it over. But because you are all loyal readers I thought I'd give you the first look at the chapter.

The story is called "Foodie", and so far it is about a woman named Malorie who enters a culinary school and is paired up with some uber-dude named Evan (the girls writing this story all really seem to like Evan for some reason or another). As the story progresses the romance grows (you'll have to read the chapters for the details), until in the prior chapter to mine we see Malorie totally peeved that some uber-chick named Celine seems to have taken a shine to Evan. Instant hatred, apparently.

“This is Malorie. Do you remember a little promise you made to me after I pulled you out of the path of that runaway tank?”

“Hai.”

“Well, I need that favor paid back. Can you meet me outside the Blue Agave restaurant at ten tonight?”

***********************

“Hey. Warner.”

“Oh, hi Malorie.”

“Warner I need some help. Can you meet me outside the Blue Agave restaurant at ten tonight?”

“Sure Malorie. Should I bring anything?”

“How about some arsenic?”

“You got it, babe.”

“Hey! Remember what happened the last time you called me “babe”. Do you want to lose your other kidney?”

“Sorry ma'am. I'll see you later.”

***********************

She waited in the dark, just outside the golden glow of the wall lamp outside the back door of the Blue Agave. At promptly ten she heard footsteps, and she called out: “Hi Warner.”

“How did you know it was me?” he asked.

“Because I'm only expecting two people here tonight and one of them makes no sound at all when he moves. In fact, I'm going to go ahead and guess that he's already here...aren't you Hiro?”

“Hai.”

“Hiro, Warner. Warner, Hiro.”

“Hi.”

“Ohio.”

“Gentleman. I have a problem. I would like you to help me solve this problem. Her name is Celine Richelieu...”

“I love her father's restaurant!” exclaimed Warner.

“You aren't making yourself any friends here, bub.”

“Sorry.”

"Anyway, Celine Richelieu thinks she can get any guy she wants, and she has aimed her grabby little hands and perky boobs at a guy I'm kind of interested in. So...Warner. I'd like you to slip into her father's....”

“I gotcha...poison the coq au vin, right?”

“Exactly. I want him ruined. When people hear the name 'Richelieu' I want them to remember gagging, gasping death. And Hiro...”

“Hai.”

“I want you to....”

“Ninja the hell out of her?”

“Hai.”

“You got it babe.”

“Thanks Hiro.”

“Hey!” Warner shouted, “why does Hiro get to call you 'babe' without you threatening to take his kidney?”

“Because Hiro is a time-traveling, time-stopping, super-ninja from NBC's hit show Heroes. He can get away with a lot of stuff that you can't, kidney-boy.”

“Gotcha babe. Aw, dammit!”

*************************

“It's too bad about Warner.”

“Yeah, but what was I supposed to do? Just let him call me 'babe' and not take his other kidney?”

“True, but now who's going to poison all of Richelieu's customers?”

*************************

A shadow slipped from rooftop to rooftop, eventually stopping at the edge of one grand New York palace. Flipping over the side it slithered into an opening no human ought to have been able to squeeze into.

Hiro pulled out his awesome ninja sword and crept along the hallway leading to Celine's apartment. He ninja'd his way past the locked door and into her bedroom. He raised his awesome ninja sword and brought it slicing down onto the Celine-shaped lump on the bed.

Feathers....everywhere.

“Coward!” came Celine's voice from above. Hiro looked up and there she was, dressed in her wizard's robes and floating above him. A fireball lanced out from her hands “Ha-do-ken!” she yelled.

Hiro immediately teleported back to Malorie.

“What happened? Why do you smell like baby-back ribs?”

“She knew I was coming. She is too powerful. She is a wizard!”

“Oh, fuck her.”

Malorie pondered for a second. “Okay, now she knows we're up to something, so you'd better go stand watch over Evan. I don't want her getting anywhere near him.”

“Hai. But what will you do?”

“I'm going to go get my troll-powered laser tank out of storage. Then I'm going to blast her into oblivion, and then I'm going to marry Evan and we're going to have lots of perfect babies. You can be the ring-bearer.”

Where is the bodice ripping and heaving bosoms? Where is the flowing manly mane of golden flax hair? Where is Malorie's successful side career as a book publisher/magazine peon/powerful PR exec? Was Malorie considered frumpy because she always wore her hair in a bun and had prim little glasses, but emerged like a beautiful butterfly when the right man came along and saw within her soul (after removing said prim glasses and ripping said bodice, of course)?

Eh, screw it. I dig ninjas. Hell, I might actually be one. I can't tell you that, though, so just pretned I didn't say it, or the next thing you know, bam, I'm behind you, then darkness...

Do you have a schematic for your troll-powered laser tank? Because I think you could get some serious merchandising tie-ins here, just in time for the holiday season. Real chapter or not, you're damn funny!