I'm happy and loving life. My email Address is thomasdimera@aol.com if you wish to email me. I love you all.

Popularity and College is a bitc8

Thursday, February 28, 2013

Well, I'm just looking about at the over 500 blog post I have done over the years. I came accross this one from 10 years ago. I don't know why I want to post it. It's just things change so quickly in life and I can see the maturity level there vs now. It's scrary and fun looking about on some of the things in life. I dunno. I'm PMSing really bad today and just so many things I'm thinking about. I have this blog to try to get some of this stuff out. I don't know if it will work, but I'll try it.

Here's that blog from 10 years ago.

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Published on

2/11/03 3:52 AM

Eastern Standard Time

Hello my ovely peeps. Okay, so lets get this over with. Cory and I got into a big fight, and I was so sick of it.. People just don't learn their lessons. Well, whatever. Point is, we worked it out. We agreed not to call each other anymore or hang out or anything. If we see each other on campus, we just say hi and continue on. Works for me. Bad influence and his social croud isn't mine. I'm a stuck up drug freesuburban freak. He's a rebel suburban drug doing freak.

Oh well, so that's the end of that. I thought this was the one, but nope. I don't think I'll ever find someone that is right for me. I have such a tendor soul. Why can't people see that?I'm stuck up, but not in a bad way. I don't put others down. I just have this extreme case of self confidence. And, I love so many meaningful things like the enviroment, and the arts, and just things that really matter. A passionate...... wait, when did this turn into a personal ad? LOL. oh well.

OMG, I so love the Hannibal Lector movies. Okay, all you freaks out there are thinking "Sheesh, Tommy likes eating people" . That is totally not true. Wait, urm, hold on. My friend just pointed out that I do like eating people. He's a sick fuck. The best thing to have is a total straight perverted friend.

Okay, well, that's all for now. School school school is taking up my personal life. All I have left is random thoughts. I just put those under In other news. Tah tah. Be bi, stay bi, bi bi.

IN OTHER NEWS

I'm no longer a fan of Britney Spears.

Damn, I am a good singer.

Why haven't Ashley called me in like forever and a day (Evil Look)

Had Lunch with my mother today. She's weird.

Does this smell funny?

I hope Zora wins Joe Millionaire!!!!!!!!!!!! She's so hot.

I need to go see Chicago tomorrow.

Hey, i'm like so bisexual. It's almost sickening. Maybe I should be A-Sexual.

1)What the heck did you think Number 1 would
be? Here’s a big number. I plan to lose 75 Pounds by December 20th. I plan to lose at least 25 of that by May 12th. You can track my process by my new plan
online at myfitnesspal.com. I encourage
everyone to join and help one another.
My user name is tommywd

2) Words are
powerful. Words are never perfect, but
they can be used to help or hurt. I plan
to use my words more positively in 2013. That means (GOD HELP ME WITH THIS ONE)
less cursing. Fewer complaints. More encouragements to all around me. More love.
A little less attitude (though I wouldn’t be Tommy if I didn’t speak my
mind) a little more confidence in what I say.

3) Starting
reading my bible more often. I do not
agree with some of the things that the men who wrote the book said. But I know God can use anything to get his
word to you. The bible is a great tool
to use and draw from.

4) Do
volunteer work for some sort of suicide prevention place. This is in honor of all my friends who made
that choice to not be here with us. I
will need extensive training in this area and I’m rather scared to do it, but I
feel called to do it.

5) Work on
my Business. Party Planning, Poker, and
More under the title of my business.
Grow it so one day I can stop working for companies who don’t give two
farts about their employees. And maybe
(this is a long term goal) one day I start hiring on people and treating them
how employees should. True respect. True love.
And true honesty. Not just what
the manual says to do and say to give them a false sense of whatever.

6) More
frequent correspondence with my family and friends. Snail Mail, email, text, and even the thing I
hate most phone calls. There are so many
ways to communicate yet I’ve not.

7) Meditation is key to re-centering
yourself. So yeah, I need to get on
that. Prayer is one thing, Meditation is
another. I need to set aside more time
for both.

8) Blog!!!!!
This has been my outlet since I was a wee tot. So, I need to get back to it. I need to write one at least once a week even
if it’s just like 3 sentences.

9) Done with
Soda. Yeah, diet soda, regular
soda. Hell, even Fruit Juices. I am going to get a juice and if I want juice
I will make my own. All that stuff is
such junk. So, the plan really is to
start shopping at the health food mart.

10) Finishing writing my book books. Will it get published, who knows? Will it get read by more than 10 people, eh
can’t tell yeah. But none of that will
happen until I finish the darn thing.
So, I will work on that.

The percentage is what I believe to be the percentage of
satisfaction of this goal.

Number 1- 97% Okay, so with number 1. I’ve been doing well keep track of my eating
and exercise habits and I’m proud to say overall I have lost 5.2 pounds since
starting. Not a big number, but a steady
one. As I said it’s a complete
change. Not just a get fit quick thing
then a month later I put on the pounds and more. All this was without my gym membership. So, I will be getting that back in the middle
of February and maybe by March I will be updating with bigger numbers.

Number 2- 45% well, Lol, um.
I have been more encouraging of the people around. My potty mouth is still there, but I’m
working on it. I’m using more “Fizzle
sticks” and “Yaddas”

Number 3- 5% I only picked it up once in January. I need to do better and I shall.

Number 4- 0% I need to do better on this too. If anyone knows of any resources they want to
pass along, that would help.

Number 5- 10% I’m in information
gathering mode in this.

Number 6- 80% I’ve been doing okay with this. I’m making more of an effort to contact and
reach out to people.

Number 7- 5% I am really working out a time for this, but it
seems so often I’m trying to catch up with sleep and heeling. I will do better.

Number 8- 5% I meant to do it more frequently than this, but
I’m working on it.

Number 9- 15% Well, I’m trying. It’s rather hard, but I will try a little
hard. The good thing is I have not had
any regular. But I have done some diet sodas
(Sprite Zero….mmmmmmmmm)

10- 0% that sucks that I haven’t even made a sentence yet,
but I’m going to do better.

So that’s a small update on the goals. Right now, I’m trying hard to remain focus
and one of the things I said I would do is not focus on a certain thing in my life
which is the Relationship block. Well,
this hasn’t been easy. There is
temptation everywhere. Sexual
Temptations and Relationship temptations and just everything. It seems when you put something off for a
year that this is when it’s more evident and present in your life. But I’m doing well. Hopefully all of them will be willing to wait
for now. I really have to focus on
myself this year. In the long run, it’ll
be better for them and me. Be patient
guys. Lol. Tommy will be back and as my girlfriend Dolly
Parton would say “The Bargain store will be open, come inside. You can easily afford the price. Keep in mind the fact that all the
merchandise is used. But with a little
mending it can be as good as new”

The end of the world. So, if this is my last blog, I will make it brief.

If the world were to end today I would be okay. I would take comfort in the fact that all my enemies are gonna die, and I will know I lived life well.

It's so easy to get caught up. People fearful of death. I know that I have this comfort in no matter what, God has brought me to this day. Has blessed me with so many good people in my life. My cup overflows easily. I mean, my family. The crazy people we are. We been through a lot, but look at them. Every member of my family so beautiful with the core of all their beings filled with love. My family is so diverse, yet united in the fact that we love like no other. Near or far, we are strong.

My friends. Wow, what friends I have. We fight, we love, we fight, we love. We know that we have each other. I have been blessed with friends that not just say what one wants to hear, but says what they really feel. They are loved for who they are, and vice versa. Faults and all. Never have I been so blessed.

And, to myself. I've been though so much life. I've had dramatic ups, and dramatic downs. But through it all my friends and family have sustained me. They have kept me honest with myself.

I hope this can always be said of me. I gave my all into everything I took on. Rather it be thankless jobs, poker (playing and behind the scenes stuff), communion teams and church, friendships, relationships. I never half showed up. I loved like know other, which caused me to be hurt like no other. I struggled with forgiveness all my life, but never was it a lost caused. I provided laughs and comfort to those around me even at the expense of myself. Never did I hurt another to feel good about myself because I always felt it best two people lifted up than one person trampled on to gain a little height for myself. I was kind. I was opinionated and never missed an opportunity to speak what I thought to be truth. And for those times I was wrong, never did I Coward away from a true heart filled apology. I laughed hard, I cried hard, I loved hard, and I died hard. I was always different in everything I did. I was forever evolving but never lost within myself. I tried all I could to help those who weren';t able to help themselves . I was a good person. This is what I hope can be said of me. That's the handprint I want to leave

Hello Peeps. So, I want to write a blog solely about poker. Recently I have had such a bad string of luck both professionally and on the amateur circuit. So, I decided to take a break from poker for a little bit. In this time off, I have reconnected with my poker sensei, "The Wizard" , and I have come up with some recalculations of the mathematics I use during the game and adding a couple of equations that I have not used previously. We have been practicing and we have engaged in this mission. So, I declare that now it's time to get serious. I think I have found a new formula that works wonders. I know that my skills are up to par and I am able to implement them. We are currently working out plans for the future that includes me realizing a lifelong goal. To be the first openly Gay player to hold both WSOP and WPT Championship wins. Sometimes, I would wonder what I am doing wrong. But Wizard reminded me it doesn't matter how many wins or loses you put up. It's the level of play and the etiquette that you show that makes you a true champion in this game. I know a lot of players. They do not study. They do not take time to understand the game, to understand the etiquette of it. They take no time to truly appreciate the complexities of this game. They only speak of they won this, and they have this much. Poker for me is much more than that now. Don't get me wrong, I'm very proud of all my previous accomplishments. A lot of hard work went into all that I achieved. But I know that sometimes my etiquette wasn't up to par. I know that in the past I focused much on the things that I have won, and not enough on the things that I can win in the future. My skills and etiquette are quite high, but I let "luck" bring me down a bit. I became stuck, not realizing that Poker is an ever changing game. The cards and rules are the same, but I have learned that I must evolve and recalculate and bring in and take out equations. This week has been so refreshing to sit down and rethink my game with Wizard and to get retrained in the ways of poker. I'm going to take another week or so to test and strengthen my new formula and get used to it. Then I will reintroduce myself starting at amateur poker places. Then in September, I will continue on to pro arenas. I have my confidence back and with my friends and fans, I will achieve my poker goals. I'm also going to release so important etiquette tips that I have learned from the best. Thank you so much Wizard. I really hope that my pro run is successful this time. I have a reason. I want to be near my family. I want to be able to at anytime just go away to Georgia or Wisconsin and see my beautiful family. I want the freedom to be near them anytime I want. That's my motivation and that comes from a place of deep truth. I want to see my newborn Nephew. I want to go see my beautiful Niece in Georgia just growing up and getting grown and experiencing life. I want to see my cousins and my uncles and Aunts. I feel I'm missing out so much on everyones life, and I want not to miss the oppurtunity. My motivation comes from this place deep inside and with good intentions I continue on to try to make this a reality not for the fortune and fame, but for the freedom to be there for my family whenever I feel the need to be. Poker Gods, your Poker Princess is coming back to reclaim his thrown. Lol.Here I come again. Thomas "Queen Six" DiMera

“It would be so easy to turn to evil. It would be so easy to sell myself short in all matters. But I choose good because I know it makes me feel just that. “

Recently, there have been so many questions in my mind. Why can’t I be where I want to be in life? Why is it impossible (or so it seems) to change my current situations. Money issues, matters of the heart, family issues, friendship issues, religious issues. They all seem to creep back up just when I thought I had them conquered. So why is it that I cannot seem to find the proper financial solution to all my current woes? Is it because when I had lots of money, I mishandled it without care or consequence? Maybe. All I know is that this adjustment has been hard. Extremely hard. Choosing between being with my friends and saving the little money I have. Choosing between generosity and selfishness all in the name of self-preservation. It’s funny how I now have 1 ½ jobs, and yet I feel as if I’m drowning even more than when I had no job at all that 1 year, 3 months 4 days. It is so frustrating at times. I feel like everything just breaks or goes away all at the same time. Car, MP3 player, laptop, shaver, pants, shoes, hair brush. I know some of those things seem minute, but when the cash register ding dings, it’s not at all a small matter and it adds up super-fast. Why do I keep having my heart dragged around like some limp rag doll? For fun? And what percentage is it that I’m allowing it to be that way. My ex is engaged to be married. Am I to fake happiness for them when all I see is all my work being enjoyed by the new person getting what I help build. So, I attach to other people I know who either are not available for me or have nothing but a negative impact of my life. Don’t get me wrong, I have a great desire to fully be happy and move on. But it seems that the choices I have for the future are just bad. None of them are good for me. A friend brought up how it has to do with my confidence in getting that good person. That I choose what I can’t have, or the things below me because I feel I don’t deserve to be happy. Hmmm. I don’t know. I have to explore this more. I know my ideal. A Good guy who isn’t flashy or yadda yadda. Just a plain guy who’s heart is good and cares about more than himself. A guy who can cry when he needs to, and laugh when he ought not. Someone who just wants to live life at any cost and who isn’t concerned with all the external things that never matter at the end. So, why is it I choose to love the Arrogant, the self-absorbed, the elitist, the self-described asshole, the Non sensing? Yeah, confusing to me as well. I don’t know. It gets so overwhelming at time. My thoughts sometimes wonder. I sometimes see myself getting exactly what I want, but in exchange I change my morals. I do bad things. I scheme with Machiavellian precision. I’m smart enough to do such things and get away with it. I know how to stop caring. I know how to turn my heart off. I know how to use anything and anyone to get what I want and turn around and discard it like the rubbish I think it is when it is no longer of use to me. It would be so easy for me to turn to evil. It would be so easy to sell myself short in all matter. But I choose good because I know it makes me feel just that. It makes me smile to see others smile. I would hate to be the only one smiling. This internal conflict within me has been around since childhood. I get fed up with seeing evil bad people win. And here I am fighting the good fight in the name of Good. It doesn’t always work I must admit. To sit and be good and watch bad triumph sometimes friggen sucks. But when I look over and see Good people with me in our ups and our downs, I would rather be with these people. Because we are in for the long haul. Bad will eventually start eating each other because it’s their nature. But the Good will be consistent with trust, love, and courage to fight even what seems to be a losing battle. At all times standing behind the right of the matter. Love and integrity can never be defeated. It may be beat down to a pulp, but its nature to grow and florious once again. So continuing on in Good is the only choice for me. I would be more miserable in Bad, even if I were to be victorious in all my endeavors. I was so confused just several months ago. I ask myself “Why do these people think I am so good when I am anything but”. I’ve come to realize that I am good. That in the end I will always choose what’s right even at the expense of myself. They were right, I am good and it’s time I own it. My mind tries to convince me that because I am pretty much a failure at many of the things I want/desire/value that I’ was getting what I deserved because I’m not Good. But the Good person I know that in time, all that I want/desire/value will come to me with more intensity than anyone can imagine. Patience and perseverance. Good will win.

Monday, January 09, 2012
Months and months has passed, and now I decide to type a blog. I don't know what I can type about, but I'm just gonna let it flow like old times. Life for me: Life is good. I know I say it a lot in my Facebook posts, but it's so true. Just 3 months ago, I was at the lowest of lows. I'd been unemployed, I'd been robbed at gunpoint, I'd been through so much. I was miserible. I was becoming the person I hated again. Reminded me of my Burger King days. Some think that it changed because I got a job. That is false. I reached such a low that I decided in August that Starting september, I would go down with a smile and positive attitude. Two days after I embarked on the "ReNewed" Tommy, I got the call for the job. Ever since then, I''ve, for the most part, kept the positive energy going. Now, to be on a positive kick does not mean I will/have been exempt from funky days. But my reaction to those days is no longer to just let it throw me off. I take it in, learn a lesson, and adapr ro never let whatever factors happened happen again. It' feels so good to gain this power! Absoulute control of my life. I've seen and felt what it is to scrap the bottom of the barrel, and I'm so glad and appreciate so many things a lot more. My awesome friends and family who without them, I would have been done for fore sure.

So, lets get out those linguring questions that some of you have had. ( These questions actually asked by some of my friends. Now I answer publicly. I'm such a celebrity. lol. )

1) What is your biggest problem/issue now that you're on this positive kick, and why doesn't it bother you like it would have back then? Well, I would have to say it's a tie. Health issues and my slow ass destiny taking his time finding me or allowing him self to be found. When I started my 1st job, I knew that I would have to adjust my schdule. It's a pretty much set schedule, thank God. Tuesdays - Saturdays 6-2. Of course, with commute and general readiness, I usually get up about 4:30 and get hom about 3. Then add to that I have a second job with varible schedule Well, this puts a big kink into my abandoned workout schdule. I am still trying to adjust to get my social life, gym life, sleep life, and work life flowing correctly. I tell you this, since starting the jobs, I've gained 34 lbs. :-( So, it's still a work in progress. I'm not giving up. I've got a schedule I'm going to try actually starting this week. Hopefully it will work better. 2) You say you're single, but your posts on Facebook are misleding when you talk about loving someone and this person and that. Are you single? What's the deal?(Sigh) okay. So I have a big heart. Some of the post I put on my wall are to a specific person. In the spirit of Transparency, I will tell you it is my ex Alejandro. But, allow me to explain. Him and I know each other better than anyone on earth. When I post things like " I recalled why this day is so special to me. Love you" it's purly as a friend now. There is history between us and I do love him. But, I'm not in love with him. I have some fond memories, but he nor I am under any dillusion that there will be a reunion accopannied by that "Reunited" song. He is engaged to an awesome guy right now, and I am still searching that slow ass destiny. I think when I do realize who he is, I'm gonna start by kicking him in the gnads for having me wait so long. 3) Why are you such a drama queen recently?Just a lot on my plate kids. I'm naturally an emotional person and when stress piles upon stress, I'm easily dramatic. Sorry, but I can't change that. Sorry in advance if I sometimes get a little dramatic about something you may find small. My hormons are starting to get back in control but there are still a lot of things that I am going thru. I whole friggen lot.
11:45 AM

Sunday, December 18, 2011

I feel their eyes fixated on me. Perform. Perform! But I can not. I feel frozen. Frozen within myself. This is what drags me. Keeps me here. As I try to gather strength it seems that it's taken away with the basic survival instinct. I don't want to let them down. I've been let down so much and I refuse to let them suffer the same agony. Perform Tommy! Be this, be that. You shine at this, you shine at that. Why can I not feel it? Why do I not see myself as they do? I often tell myself I must be when almost all of them think that I am. But I see my faults. How can I overcome them? I'd rather freeze myself now rather than fight against this. I see the good and I know it's not only a performance, but simply who I am. But to label it, and to be it 100% of the time is so hard. 95% is a challenge. And 90% is more like it. For I get frozen; I get inside of myself and just sleep as if I've not rested in years. Not because I am not, but more because I am afraid I will no longer be able to be the good they see. That I may turn out the lights forever on on something I feel so good about. I will not let them down! But how can I be completely okay with being thawed out? I stay frozen until I figure this out.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011Hello my Peeps. Okay I promised and promised and promised and now I'm finally typing something. I don't know where this is going, but its going. ::::::::::: Job News:::::::::::Major news of course is the job. I have a job after 1 year 3 months. It's been fantastic. So many people, though, have asked where I work. They ask and I almost always lie. I'm not ashamed of my but I made the mistake of mixing my personal life with my work life (Which I think is the reason or a major reason why I lost my job in the first place. ) So, I set out on a mission. I will not let either of them intermingle. The work people know nothing about my friends family etc., and vice versa. Some say this is silly, but hey, it's how I choose to take control of my life. No longer will I play victim and put out fires. I'm fire proofing my whole life. I now know what it's like to be without a job and how things get. I've moved on from that and I never want to go back there again, so I will do anything and everything to protect it.

Things are going well at the job, but for one day. Last Friday one of the big head honchos came in. Co Workers warned me about him being a total prick, but they didn't do him justice. He comes in with his hands crossed, and proceeds to not even say hi to anyone. He starts criticizing from the moment he gets in the door, never for one second giving a smile or a hint there of. He was just a fat angry man. So, I'm giving my positive energy vibe because that's all I have. And he criticizes something I did on the computer. Hell, this is only my 2nd week. So, whatever. I don't let negative things affect me. But what did affect me is what happened next. There's a sweet older lady ( maybe 60, 65) who's only job there is to clean the place. She was doing her job, and this lard ass passes by her. This area she was in was a small area of the place, and his gigantic self couldn't fit. So, he goes up to her and puts his hands on her and moves her frail little body over out his way without saying a word. This upset me. For the first time in weeks I was upset by something. I started to get the shakes. Disgusting he was and just a horror of human being. So, I finished my current assignment and went looking for her and she was cleaning up another section and she was fighting tears back. Me, being and emotional person, I started to full out cry. I just got to thinking how MS Janet has lived a life. Probably got this job to try to make ends meet and through all her struggles and her hard work, she's pushed around by this douche. Even as I think about it now, my eyes fill with tears. I was so upset I ended up taking my lunch break early and asked to go home early.

It's sickening to know that someone so miserable exist. MS Janet though is strong and she did return to work. I guess she's been through this with this guy before and she knows it's only like once every two months that he darkens the doorsteps anyway. But for me, it's not over. I've written a couple of letters to the Owner, and the Mother Companies executives and HR departments. I will not tolerate this. Many of these people are hard workers and dedicated to the quality of their work from the Supervisors to the cleaning people. None of them should be treated like that. And in two months, I don't know how comfortable I will feel with him coming in like this. He can say or do whatever to me, but I can't look into other people's eyes and just say "Oh Well, it's only every other month"

::::::::::::::::::: Relationship Update ::::::::::::::::::::::

Lots have been shocked by my disclosure about a relationship ending. Okay, here's some insight. So, many people noticed that I would check into "Justin's Bed" " Justin's House" . Justin was a friend from way back when and we started up, well, this thing. It was a purely physical thing at first. We enjoyed each other’s company and yeah, things happened. So, last month, we were talking about stuff and I was telling him about the big changes and the detoxification in my life. How all the negativity and bad stuff in my life would be phased out and how for the 200th time in my life I was starting anew. But he saw that this time was different. He was very happy, then he got a little worried that he was holding me back. It's complicated like that. So, he then asked if it would be a good thing to take our friendship/relationship to another level. That he may want to start an actual relationship. This was kind of a shock to me, so I stupidly said that I need to think about it.

So, a few weeks pass and I didn't really have any contact with him. You have to understand that in those few weeks, my bank account had hit zero, I had no job, my best friend then decided that he didn't want to be friends anymore, I was trying to tie up all these loose ends to prepare for the deadline I had set for myself (September 11th) and everything got really reallly really bad. But in my mind I knew one thing, Justin had always been there for me through all this rough stuff for the last year. And I knew that I wanted more and I just thought and assumed that he knew this. That he knew that after I got myself together, I wanted to be with him. But, you know what they say about assuming. So, I got the job, I patched some things ups. I started on this beautiful last hike up that mountain ( The biggest of my life), then I lost my guy in a single note. He wrote me a letter telling me a lot of things that I care not to share here, but I knew as I read it, there was no chance for a future with Justin. To say my heart was broken would be the understatement of the year. I haven't felt heartbreak like that since ALE. It was hurtful and we haven't talked since then unfortunately. But I'm still at the top of this mountain looking over everything. The highest peak I've been at. I thoughts I would be sitting here with Justin, but its okay. I'm filled with such happiness right now and the hope that ( Good Lord, how many times will I say this) my destiny soon will come to his peak and I will spot him from my mountain and we will bring our mountains together. lol. Never will I give up on love. Never will I give up on that hope. I know that he's out there. I don't care what label what people give me. Hopeless Romantic, Idiot, whatever. I hold on to it anyways because I've seen it happen with others and darn it, it's going to happen for me too.

::::::::::::::::::::::: Conclusion :::::::::::::::::::::::::

Well, this time in my life, I am so happy. I am crying a lot recently. I cry because I'm so happy. It's beautiful to me. And I also notice the butterflies and Fireflies around me more. They have always represented something powerful to me. Whenever they are around, I'm surrounded by good things. I'm feeling a great connection to God and to Nature and to all things good again. My year+ of hell was worth just 5 minutes of this extreme absolute happiness that i AM feeling now. Life is good. Call me crazy or whatever, but life is just good!!!!5:39 PM

Tuesday, March 15, 2011Hello my friends, family, and fans.

This is gonna be a bit of a ranting blog. So, if you have the balls to read it, do so without getting angry.

For the last few months, I've been reading more blogs and comments than ever. I made a resolution to loose x number of pound by x day. Then another x by x day. So, silly me, for inspiration, I thought I would read some people who I consider(ed) friends who were okay in their fitness. Much to my surprise, many of them took the time that they could have used to encourage and push people to better themselves physically to belittle, berate, and chastise overweight people. Now, after reading months and months of this crap, I am prepared to make a statement....

First of all, to myself and all of my plus sized brothers, sisters, and sisthers. We were beautiful then, we are beautiful now, and we will be beautiful forever. I am not loosing weight so I can be like "them". Never will I have the classic definition of the "perfect" body no matter how much I work out. Never will I be posing in an Abercrombie and Finch catalogs. But let me tell you all something, being plus sized, we have experienced and seasoned our souls far more than someone that hasn't had to, at times, struggle with this issue. Society puts so much on being celebrity like. To have the "perfect" this, and the "hot" that. But look around Hollywood. It's a mess. You can have the "perfect" everything and have nothing worth anything else. Plus sized people are openly insulted. We are put down, made to feel bad about who God created us and nurtured us to be. The physical is not all we are made of. We are happier than those "Toned Tonys". This has been proven in study after study. We are much happier than "Minus Sized" people. How can that be? well, I tell you this, when we are loved, we are loved for who we are. When they are loved, sometimes it's just the love of their physical that they receive. The physical stuff changes in a heart beat, but being able to have personality never does. Doesn't matter if you're big or small. That's what's key. So there are many that jump in and out of bed/relationships with people who they find attractive only to realize that it's just that. But we plus sized people know that we are loved for the inside which makes the changing things like our appearances a mute issue. But besides that, we get the added bonus of those people who know that being big is not something that needs to be overlooked in order to love. Because, HEAR THIS, being big and having personality is BEATUFIUL! Plus size can be and is beautiful. So, as I carry on to my weight lose goals, please know that it's not saying that we are not beautiful. We are. But for me personally, my plus size isn't working for me for the things I wish to do. I want to play tennis more and to dance more. It's not about me trying to be accepted into the "clique" because I believe right now I’m part of the best "clique". To all my plus size brothers, sisters, and sisthers please know that you are beautiful. Stay beautiful. If it's healthy, stay the way you are. Plus size doesn't not mean unhealthy as so many try to convince others. Check your health physically and you health mentally!!!! That's key to seeing if you are where you should be. I love you all.

Now, to my "Perfect" body friends......... Let me stress that I am not lumping you all into this category just because you are skinny or toned. There are some great people out there that are skinny toned perfect bodied. This paragraph is for those idiots who have the mordacity to post comments such as " Fat people are ........" and " The reason that fat people ..........". Let me tell you a few things. First off, plus sized people are not all slobs. We are all not gluttons inactive pigs. And the fact that you sit around on facebook, twitter ect saying what we are doing wrong says more about you and your own insecurities than it does about us and our lifestyle. Let me tell you right here and now. Get me on the Tennis court. Bring it. I will out last, out wit, and out play your ass so bad that it will have you in tears! When you see me, you think "Fat, slow, out of shape" That's fine. Think what you want. But I want to see how much that thought proves to be true on the court. On my court. The fact is your "perfect body" performs just the same as my "Plus sized" body. There are weaknesses in both. But to think me unable to perform just because I have extra pounds will be your downfall. You want to say that you only want me to be "healthy" yet in fact I may be just as healthy as you. I'm very active physically. It's not really about you caring about my health. it's more about wanting people to look and feel as you do. I know when I'm physically able to do just as well as you and then have the ability to be so happy with who I am BOTH physically and mentally it bothers you for some reason. The fact that I'm able to kick your ass at some physical activities then enjoy a nice juicy burger if that's what I want to do later; That kills you for some reason. I'm happy. There are a few things that you are better than me in mainly due to our differences in physical. But does that make me unhappy? No. I continue to do what I do well, and there's always a chance I can get in the position to do better at those few things you exceed in and still be happy!

So, you can get twenty, forty, 100 guys. Wow. Bravo. But how long will you keep them. If you become me physically, will they stay around? You know the answer deep down. Maybe I will just get one guy. But he will be the one guy for longer than 20 of your guys will be yours. You wouldn't believe the amount of people who just could not understand how Alejandro and I were ever together and for so long. Alejandro will tell you to this day, it was who I am inside that made my outside irresistible. He was there for my fattest of times. But he knew love like no other and vice versa. He got it early what was important in this life. For all the guys that approached him trying to convince him that he could "do better" he seen what exactly was better for him. We not being together now has nothing to do with the physical but other things. But even though were not together, I was his longest relationship and he mine and what we shared prepared us better for what's to come in our lives. You can't get that with your two week physical lust fling. We are best friends now and we will be better lovers, friends, and companions to our future spouses.

Its amazing how I've been involved with someone who every person who knew this person said " Oh, you're not his type". But, surprise surprise, he and I were involved. He was all about the physical, but in me he seen something different. Someone who actually cared about him. I changed his outlook on things and my hopes are he gets his life together and remembers the things I was able to show in in the short time we had. Its simple, but I know it's easier to write a blog about it than to actually do. So, you "perfect" bodied chiseled head reading this probably think that you are ready to respond. That your answer is better to this situation. Listen, I've read for months as you belittled the people I love. Your fat comments applied to my beautiful mother who‘s plus sized thighs comforted my head as a child and sometimes as an adult when I just need to cry.. To my now departed Grandmother who’s plus size arms gave so much joy. So when you insult my family, you can kiss my plus sized buttox! If one thing you should learn, don’t mess with my beautiful family! I'm done with listening to anything you have to say. You've had your say, now it's your turn to listen and go away. I spread love, you spread hostility, hate, and otherwise ignorance. Just like a homophobe or a raciest. But keep this in mind what I say now.

What about the veteran that served and is wounded for your freedom to criticize and mock plus sized people? He would like to be physically active but maybe that bullet wound still hurts when he moves. What about the person who just simply not been taught how to eat better because education is in the form of some skinny prick yelling at them to eat better but never explaining how? What about the person that has been diagnose with some illness and eating "healthy" or being physical could actually kill them? What about the person who lost their job and can't afford the "healthier" items and have to settle for the junk put out there or just not eat at all? What about me, who got over a string of life threatening illnesses and against all odds is here and finally able to be physically active again.? Think, though the concept is hard to grasp, of someone other than yourself and how to turn them into what you think is better. Think of spreading love and REAL encouragement rather than spread (pardon my French my fellow Christians) SHIT. For too long we humans have shit upon each other under the cloak of "It's for their own good" or my personal favorite " Because I love and care about them" You don't shit on a person you love and care about. What you do to people you love and care about is YOU LOVE AND CARE ABOUT THEM!

Monday, February 21, 2011
Okay, cursor, enough with the blinking. I will type now!!!! Geez.

Hello everyone. Welcome to my blog, and double welcome to my Annual Thank Yous. I'll start with a quick update. I'm sleeping better now. I had a chance to hear some stories of Mike and stories of Dannon that I hadn't ever heard. It was nice to reflect and to be around people who knew them a lot longer than I had. It's so nice to hear the impact people have on other's lives in such positive way. I find such comfort in that.

I'm restarting this year. I was thinking how much I hated 2010. But then, I think on it in this way. it was the last year that I was able to spend with Mike and the only year I was able to know Dannon so I can't hate or dismiss it. It holds cherished memories and I will give it at least that respect. As I move on with the New Year, I won't forget the many many lessons I learned, and the friends that will not be traveling through 2011 with me in the physical.

Okay, lets start off with my 2011 resolutions. So many people have just gave up on making resolutions. I can't do that. I love them. Goals. I'm always a planner. Sort of anal in that way. So, I'm very comfortable with making resolutions. Here are my ten for 2011:

1. I resolve to loose 15 pounds by Pride in June, and 45 Pounds by December 20th! Crazy? Yes. Possible Yes.

2. I resolve to get reconnected to God and church. The main thing is to have 10 minutes of Prayer time and 5 minutes of simply meditation time a day. Also to try hard to be regular in church attendance again. Though cash flow issues are mainly to blame for this not happening recently, I think I will try to stretch my body limits a little more in order to make sure that I do get there.

3. I resolve to get to writing people a physical letter. I know that I made this resolution before and failed miserably at it. Now, I'm recommitting to it. I love to write vs. type. So, that means, all of you need to get me your mailing addresses so I can randomly drop you a hand written letter.

4. I resolve to write a blog at least once every two weeks. I was reading the email I got from this kid when I had just turned 21. He wrote how my blog was awesome in showing another side of "gay people" that was different than anything he had experienced. And that he didn't feel so different after all. I have to keep reaching those people out there and I believe my blog does that.

5. I resolve to finish up at least two of my writings this year. I have a lot of started stories and plays, but none completed since 2006. I'm going to get on it and finish at least two this year.

6. I resolve to get back on the front lines of the fight for equality for ALL GOD'S CHILDREN. I do a lot of behind the scenes stuff, but I really need to do more of the foot work to re energize my soul. I want to be among the people I'm helping.

7. I resolve to end the two "Physical Only" relationships that I picked up in 2010. I thought I honestly could do the "typical" guy thing and get involved with someone just for the "pleasure" . But after the first time, I just noticed that this is just not me at all. I'm not that type of person. I totally understand why people would choose that life. I mean, the heartbreak stuff really really really hurts. And it's not just for a day or two. It sucks for a long time. But, I just would rather experience the heartbreak than to not have a heart at all. Companionship is key to any relationship. And to be denied in public, yet be summoned in private..... that's just not me. I really lowered my moral standards in 2010. No more. I want to feel good about me again.

8. I resolve to Get to a doctor. I'm not sickly or anything, but I have to stop hating and avoiding doctors. I need to get my blood pressure under control, and I have to get things checked out.

9. I resolve to give that forgiveness I've been denying. There are a lot of people I've not fully forgiven for their Betrayals in 2010. I'm not angry or anything, I've just not been able to fully forgive. With God's help, I want to achieve this completely in 2011.

10. I resolve to Act. I am a Thespian at heart, and my heart sinks to think I've not been able to do my craft in so long. AGENT JIM, WHERE ARE YOU? I don't care what form it is in, but I want to be in something, or do something to exercise my Thespian Muscle.

Okay that's it. So, with your help (hold me accountable please. If I start to slip say "remember # blah blah), I am pretty sure I can accomplish these goals.

Now, to my annual thank you. As in the previous 10 years (Holy crap I've done this blog thing for a very long time) here's the disclosure.

These are my annual thank yous for the people who made an important positive impact in my life in the previous years. This is a no negativity Zone. Even if I hate you now (lol) , if you did at least one good thing for me in 2010, you're getting a thanks. If you're not mentioned, I'm sorry. With my old age ( and my continuing growing friends list) it's hard to keep up sometimes. But, I will try hard next year to remember you. :). These are in no particular order at all. I know most people just look for their name and snub the rest. That's fine. But, I really hope that when you have more time, you take a few moments to see some of the other people who have made an impact in my life. They deserve some notice just as you do and I hope that you may befriend someone who I have befriended because you see how effing awesome they are.

AJ- Thank you so much for being an awesome mentor to my friend and supporting him in ways I can't. Thru you, I keep a friend and in you I gain one.

Alejandro D- Never did I think we could get back to being friends after all that happened to us. We are, and it's your words of encouragement that got me thru the darkest days of 2010. Thank you.

Amanda M- Your beauty continues to shine in the face of trails and tribulations. Your walk with God on this journey inspires and gives me courage and strength. Thank you for showing me this.

Amy Jo- Rare is it to find a person that is so very strong, yet so filled with love in her heart. You are one of the greatest gifts I got from 2010. Thank you so much for your words of love. You don't speak with malice or hate when you tell your opinions on what I should do better in my life, and I appreciate each and every word you say. Thank you so very much.

Andrew T- Thank you for keeping things real and interesting. You are unique and beautiful and beautifully unique. I was supposed to hate you, but I have nothing but love for you crazy skinny man.

Mychelle P- A lot happened and a long road was traveled in order to become friends with you. I wouldn't change it at all. You are so promising and I take comfort in knowing you. You're the best almost cousin I know. Love you.

Ashley C- Wit, class, beauty, and one of the best huggers. Your words of encouragement and love helped me lift my head up when I was at my lowest. Thank you for that.

Ashley W- Never have I so eagerly awaited texts than when I expected one from you. You are my sister not by blood, but in every way that counts. Thank you so much for being there and never giving up on being friends with me. Thank you so much for your words and sharing your journey with me.

Beau B-Thank you for not kicking my butt after the many unwanted advances I threw your way. Thank you for your willingness to share your life with me and keeping me grounded at times.

Ben L- I can not thank you enough for your eagerness to aid me even when I try to not accept it due to pride. You are a beautiful person, inside, outside. All sides. You shine with the light of Christ and you are a very important friend to me. Thank you.

Brandi H- You constant words of warmth are beyond this world. You words ring in my head well after they are said and I thank you so much for that.

Carol Lee- Thank you so much for your guidance and wisdom. You continue to encourage me and point north to where I should be focused. Thank you for being a constant friend.

Chad S- Nothing surprised me more than to learn your story and be so eager to be a friend to you whenever you need it. I hope that I can be just that because you're a great person who most defiantly deserves it.

Jordan C- Thank you for those late night chats that kept me alive. You really are a shining example of God's love.

Penny D- My luxurious leader, you are so fantastic that it hurts. Thank you so much for your commitment to our friendship and the love I feel just by looking in your eyes.

Rosanna N- Thank you for so many things. I know it may seem like it's weird or something, but I thank you so much just for being you. For keeping my friend happy (and out of trouble)

Hannah M- Thank you for adopting me. lol. In all seriousness, thank you just for your beautiful smile and spirit.

Johnny B- Thank you for being awesome and making me think about a lot of stuff. You sorta restarted my engine.

Jorden D- Love you, hate you. This is our relationship. But in all honesty, I could not imagine that anyone would be able to get me to roll down a friggen hill. You challenge me in a way no other can. Not just the hill, but in so many other ways. Thank you.

Susan R- Thank you so much for always offering words of encouragement. Sorry for having you so worried about me at times. My facebook status' are either or, and rarely in between.

Dan V- Thank you for your companionship in dark and lonely times.

Sean M-

Cynthia H- Thank you for the Brunches and the awesome advice and words of hope.

Shelli H- Thank you for being my crazy server, and better yet, being someone that I could talk to about some really personal stuff

Matt M- For an ex, you really are something special. . You frustrate me to hell sometimes, but you're a great friend to me in times I feel like I have none. You really do get me and that's pretty hard to do. Thanks.

Nancy S- I'm not going to tell you how much you mean to me, because I think that it will take up the rest of the month just covering it all. I love you so much and I thank you for all the conversations, the willingness to share your journey, the collected way you conduct yourself, and the strength you show even in the darkest hours. Thank you.

Jewel H-Thank you for showing me a beautiful example of a human being. Yes, we met in PIR, but just from our conversations, and what you share on FB, I'm really appreciative and proud that you are my friend.

Jamie M- Thank you so much for your hugs, kisses, humor, love and comfort. You shared so much with me and you inspire me for the future.

Randy k- Deacon, yes, but more than that to me you're a friend. Your soul is so beautiful and I thank you so much for giving me a piece of that.

Melissa L- You are one of the sweetest persons I know. It's awesome how you comfort me so very much in times where comfort seems impossible, You have morals and love and strength that is so very inspiring. Thank you so much for all that you've done for me which is much more than many. Thank you for being you.

Michelle D- Sometimes, the advice and accountability I get from you is hard to swallow, but I hate to say this, you're always right. You guide me so well to what I know is right and just don't want to admit it. Thank you for your friendship. You've gotten me thru so much.

Tiffany P- Lord, if I squeeze you too hard, I think I will break you, but that's what I want to do every time I think of you or are around you. In that small package, there is more heart and values than most people achieve in a lifetime, and you got it at such a young age. Tiff, without you I am sure I would be lost. I love you so much. thank you for giving me comfort.

Latrice C- You're exceptional. I feel so much at ease around you.. As much crap I give you sometimes, it's amazing that you share your soul with me and wow, is it soulful. You are God's light. You shine with it. You give it. You are..............AMAZING.

Xandonlyn W- When a banker becomes a friend, you know she's gotta be special. Xandy, your love and persistence in encouragement and your willingness to share makes me feel so close to you. Thank you for the walks and the talks, and the outright beautiful soul you show.

Robert F- You hold me accountable, and I love that. You are that calm voice when I can't find one. Thank you so much for being a mentor, and a great example who Christ love!

Tom C- You silly boy. You think you can compete with me, but you can't. For, you have won. I wish I were as sweet as you. Thank you so much for the big hugs and the beautiful smiles of comfort.

Darryl H- Your sweet spirit and you awful sense of humor are things I just must thank you for. You're awesome.

Dee L- Thank you for never hesitating to call me a effing idiot when I'm being one. You're honesty is sometimes confused with ho0stility, but I see where it comes from. A heart as big as all get out. Thank you for that.

Derrick H- Thank you for showing me the good side of pretty boys.

George B-No words can describe the feeling I feel whenever I see you. And to be blessed with conversation and fellowship with you, wow. Thank you so much for being an awesome friend and a testament to God's love.

Hannah C- You are one of the sweetest and unique people I know. Though you tried to Out Gaga me for Halloween, I forgive you and thank you for always putting a smile on my face.

JaHuana C- You're nasty. Okay, let me start again. You're awesome. Thank you for being able to get me to think about some stuff and providing that serious tone when things aren't, and that funny one when things get to serious.

David W- Thank you so much for teaching me just a little more about being a healthier me. I try hard to incorporate what I have learned.

Pastor Jeff- Thank you for being such a great guide. Under so much pressure, you have been a solider. Your sermons inspire, challenge, and comfort me. You are awesome. Thank you.

Elaina L- Thank you for befriending my niece and giving her a sense of comfort. Thank you for always making me laugh. I'm sorry if it's mainly at your expense, but you're a sweetheart in being able to take a joke.

Jenna M- Thank you for the make out sessions. lol. But in all seriousness, thank you for all the fun I have with you at the poker table and away from it. You have such a beautiful spirit and I'm just so glad I'm able to be part of it.

Mark B- You are such a beautiful man, yet you are one of the sweetest people that I know. Thank you for blessing us with your talents at church, and with your awesome friendship outside of church. You are awesome in every way.

Joan H- Thank you for being a rock. You are truly a blessing to me. Your hugs are of legends, and your constant example of friendship gives me strength and warmth. thank you for being so awesome to not only me but everyone around you.

Nancy M- I love Ms Nancy with all my heart, and I hope you know that. When I see you smile, my day is 30% better. Thank you so much for being such a wonderful person.

Tommy C- Thank you for your big bear hugs and your awesome sense of humor. And might I add, thank you for always smelling so good. I know it's weird to say, but whenever I see you, I have to get a big sniff. You're such an awesome person. Thank You for being my friend.

Marcus E- Thank you for your continued support in the family and your friendship and humor.

Winnie W- Winnie with your big hugs and even bigger heart, I thank you so much for being a wonderful friend.

Joni C- Joni, you have to overcome so many obstacles, yet you keep going and continue to show your beautiful gentle spirit. Thank you so much for showing strength and love in what you do. Thank you for being my friend.

Jenni C- You're awesome. it's that simple. Thank you for your continued friendship and giving me a big head by telling people who I don't know how awesome I am. I can never live up to what you see in me, but thank you for seeing that in me.

Jude M- Thank you so much for being so sweet to me even through some pretty rough times for yourself. Thank You for making me smile and giving super fantastic hugs.

Lynn A- Thank you Lynn for your help in so many things, and just opening up your heart and story to me. You tell me exactly what's on your heart and I appreciate every word of advice you give me.

Madison Z- Thank you for the awesome communication and friendship. After how rude I was to you during the whole "Hell Phase" I'm so appreciative that you're my friend.

Markeesha L- Thank you so much for your encouraging words and being sweet to me even when I puzzled the hell out of you.

Raphael T- Thank you for being my teacher and most of all my friend. There are times when I really feel that you know exactly what is going on in my head and you're able to react in a way that helps me so much. I know you look at me weird in your weird "Dude, I hope you remember, I'm str8" way, but I love you. It's that simple. Thank you so much.

Stephanie J- Stephanie, there were moments when I thought less of you, and I'm so glad I got the hell over it to see what an awesome person you are. You are fantastic. You make me smile whenever I'm around you and you are one of the people I look forward to seeing whenever I enter Ollywood. You're a fantastic person and thank you for being such a sweetheart to me even when I have my Dicky moments.

Marquetta S- Thank you for being so beautiful and sharing portions of your life with me. You are an amazing person and a super fantastic friend.

Debra E- Too often you feel you have somewhat failed as a mother. I swear this is not true. I have such a great mother. We bump heads and have some big differences, but there is always a common thing.... there is great love between us. Why else would I put up with your crap. Just kidding. Thank you for your loving support thru this year. You were the number one reason why I was able to make it thru it all.

LaVitra e- You are the best sister that anyone could have. Thank you for being there for me and helping support not only mom, but me as well. Your soul is so beautiful.

Grandma Gene- Still with me you remain. There were so many times that I thought " I wish I could call Grandma about this" but then I come to realize that you are her to talk to right now. Your words in the past continue to strengthen me and get me back on the right path. Thank you.

Antwain H- Thank you so much for being my only black friend. LOL. But seriously, your conversation and realism keeps me in constant thought about better things instead of wallowing in things that suck.

Rose E- Thank you so much for all the help you have provided the family as we struggeled through some deep doo doo. I don’t tell you enough that sometimes I appreciate the things that you do. You drive me crazy, but I still love your crazy ass.

Okay, that’s it. it took over a month to complete these and though there are so many that I did thank, I know there are far more who I may have forgot. Sorry in advance, but, yeah, its your fault to. Now on to your regularly scheduled blogging. Love you all.
5:54 PM

Friday, January 28, 2011
Well, one could say that I have failed already at so much.... yet I am not of that thinking.

Hello my friends. I know this should be my annual Thank Yous being posted, but I'm gonna delay that just a couple more weeks as I gather myself again. Why would I need to gather myself? Well, life happened. I would rather right now type about that than to post the Thank yous. It's my outlet.

So, a few weeks ago, I was steadfast in going about my resolutions. I knew that it may be a bumpy road. The difference is that I am actually able to deal with the detours that life gives me rather than jumping out of the car on the side of the highway and crying.

I will describe what happened in accordance to my resolutions. I will basically give the update on said resolutions which will explain why life just got side tracked.

If you don't remember or never read my resolutions, they are at the bottom of this blog. So, we will start with #1. After reality set in after I had an excellent workout with my friend Jordan, I skipped on working out all together. The reality.....neither of us at this point can afford to pay to work out, though the gym is the motivation we both so desperately need. So, that was kind of derailed. I've, as of today, gained 5 pounds in total since the beginning of this year.

With resolution #2 amazingly I have been able to keep this. I've learned to reach out to people and ask for aid when I need aid. So many people tell me that I need to get over that whole thing of feeling like a Burdon. It's something that I will never get over, I don't think, but I'm learning to ask and accept aid when I need it.

With #3 I skipped this one. Not been in much of a mood for writing and it seems that I was always too busy, but I'm gonna work out my days to be more structured.

With #4 See #3

With #5 See #3

With #6 See #3

With #7...... OOOOO, the infamous number 7. Damn it! Yes, I used the D word. Okay, so, let me try to explain and understand this myself. So, I got some bad news about a week ago. I maid a status update about it. Basically what it boiled down to is that two potential employers said I was not hired because due to their "Standards of Appearance" I was too fat to work for them. That hurt. It really did. As great of a worker I am, to be denied because your waist size is 2 inches over the "policy" not only made me sad, but angry as hell. Here I am working hard and doing good things and yes, trying to improve my weight not because of appearance but for health reason, and these "people" deny me employment because I ate a few too many Twix. So, after beating up on myself and them for a day, I was just ready to feel....... needed. And, in the arms of "him", I always feel good because he tells me that I'm beautiful. He tells me that I'm great just the way I am. He boosts my moral and make me feel better about me and what I can do. Yes, I ended up in his arms again. And I hate it, but I'm okay with it at the same time. He was feeling pretty crappy about some things that's going on in his life, and we just came together to forget that stuff, even just for a little while. Now, call me crazy (and you have a 95% chance of being correct in that) but the few times in a none sexual setting that I've seen him, when he said "I love you" it seemed different. Before it was more like a friend saying it. But now it makes me feel different and he says it's different. Ugh. I can see me being married to him actually, but we agreed a long time ago that this was not that...... but when he says "I love you"........................ SEE, THIS IS WHY I DIDN'T WANT TO BE PART OF THIS THING! This is the most unhealthy thing you can do to your heart.

With #8 I've not started the process, but I plan to Monday. Gotta check online as to what is available to me.

With #9 I tell ya, God is giving me clues and hints and reminders to do this. I've had so many dreams about the people I need to give this forgiveness to. It's so hard though. As soon as I think I am working towards it, something stops me from doing it. I want to , but then I just start thinking too much I guess. I know it's something I really want to do, but the actual act of doing it!!!!!!!!! UGH.

With #10 I'm working on a new act. That's all I'm gonna say.

Well it’s been rough. Some of my friends who I thought would be my rock have not been. I know they have other things in their lives, but Geez, didn’t think I would just be dropped in exchange for other people. But as one of them said, I’ve not had long term friendships with anyone really. 6 year doesn’t compare to 10, 20, or even longer friendships. So, yeah, I guess I’ll just have to deal with it.

So, with that all being on my plate, I know I'm stumbled a little bit, but I'm not one of those people that give up at the first sign of problems. And this goes out to you people out there who may have effed up already and the first month isn't even finished......IT'S NOT TOO LATE. We just need to get back on that bull, and yes, we will be thrown off again, but enjoy that ride and trust me, that bull will be conquered. If not, we will get together and kick that bull's ass. So, lets restart together. Lets do this.

I love you all with a passion that is borderline lunacy. Comment, like, and Share. It’s the right thing to do.
1:17 PM

Sunday, January 02, 2011

Hey peeps.

I just had my second night of restless tossing turning crying sleep.

It gets better I know. I'm just so tore up about the death of my friends. I know it's what we all go through and that it's not going to go away overnight. I'm trying to deal though.

New Years eve, I received even more bad news that my ex was in a car wreak. I just lost it. I called and he says everything is fine. Just the car is pretty much done for. After hanging up the phone with him, I wanted to head right over to my pain pill but I knew the headache that developed was not a physical thing. So, I said, I"I have to get the hell out of this house" .

Luckily, I have an amazing support team (Dan and Jordan) who got me and my mother and we went to Indiana Live Casino for their new years eve celebration. I know I know, trading in my pain killer addiction for my gambling addiction. lol. Luckily, I don't really have a gambling addiction. I don't even gamble much. It was just nice to spend so much time with my friends and yes, my mom. I'm more glad that my mom was able to get out of the house and do something with her time.

All in all, I've been able to avoid self medicating in the "bad" way. last night, I just stayed by myself watching Milk, American Beauty, and the Austin Powers. My eyes still water up when there's a moment that reminds me of Mike or Dannon.

When I was playing farmville, I just gushed out tears because Mike was the guy who loved planting things and making things grow. A silly facebook game reminds me of him. So, I planted a memorial flower on my farmville in memory of him. Then I started cooking something..... another memory of Mike. I loved watching him cook. We had our longest conversation while he was cooking. I remember seeing how much passion and dedication he put into cooking and the joy that he was getting knowing that his food was going to benefit people and how he wanted so much for it to be perfection.

And last night, I was getting the points together for poker nights, and I came across Dannon's name and I went back into my little records book and remembered the first few times I played with him and how I was intimidated by him because I thought he didn't care much for me. And I started remembering how I first approached him after a particular match we had and he was totally opposite of what I thought. He was kind to me and I realized it was my own stupid insecurities. Since that point, I would always look for him when I entered Olly's and would give him a big hug and try to convince him to play poker . As all this ran thru my mind, I weeped.

Just the little everyday stuff that reminds me of them. I know..... it gets better. That their spirits carry on. That my mournful heart will be okay. Just not the way I thought I would start the new year.

My annual 2010 thanks yous will be delayed about a week. As I gather the strength to post them.

As I take this time of reflection as many people do during this time of year, I think of how to do my annual Thank Yous. Because I set the rules that never will my thank yous have any hint of negativity, how am I to do it in a year filled with the most negativity I've experienced.

I will be able to do my thank yous this year, because in the rough, it's easy to see diamonds. At least for me it is.

Last year, I wasn't even able to do my thank yous due to the way the beginning of this year started. So, I've pledged to do them. I loosely made some resolutions that I did not keep at all. 2010 was one of the worst years on record for me. It was just horrible. It started horrible, got better during the middle, then ended horrible. So, after New Years, I will be posting my Thank Yous. I hope that those people who are tagged will read them because I don't say thank you enough to them. But, for now, I'm going to repost my thank yous from 2008. I think it's good not only to reflect upon the previous year, but of your entire life. I try not to make it just once a year that I do this, but this year has made it kind of hard to reflect on anything.

Well, with so many changes recently. Getting involved with a guy, trying to play this secret game, then getting my heart broken I've been rather down. And, before I say my thank yous for the year, I would like to say my sorrys.

I'm sorry to all those I made concern by my random Facebook postings. Particularly Sue and Robert. I'm a rather emotional person (imagine that) sometimes. Great ups, great downs. And sometimes my status updates are extreme. They are sometimes a misrepresentation of who I am. But make no doubt about it, I am and shall remain a Christian. I am, and shall remain a good hearted person. I am, and will remain committed to all those who are less fortunate than most. I will continue to try to be a champion for those who are discriminated, hated, and put down. For those who have a small voice or no voice at all.

I'm sorry to God who has given me so much, yet this year I didn't communicate, nor keep faith with him at all times.

I'm sorry to those I let down, and those who I couldn't help because I was wrapped up in my own issues. I don't say that for someone to comment "Help yourself in order to help others" I know I have to take care of myself, but I can recall moments where I was just so wrapped up in my own stuff that I totally closed off the suffering of others. That's where personally I draw the line.

I'm sorry that I stopped sharing my Journey during all of this. I may have been able to help someone going threw this same stuff if I put it out there as I promised to do when I first started writing this blog 10 years ago.

It can only get better from here though. 2011 is about changing back. So many people make a commitment to change. I make one to change back to a time I was closer to God, closer, to family and friends, and closer to being the man I know God created me to be. I'm ready. Are you?

Here is the repost of my Thank Yous for 2008 with the hopes of reflection , strength, and knowledge for the future. God Bless.

((((((((((((((RESPOST 2008 THANK YOUS))))))))))))))))))

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Wow, I'm way late. Sorry. Well, I've been busy. The next blog I post after this will be full of details of my life, my birthday, my newsyears. All the goodie goodies. lol. But I have to get straight to the thank you because this year there are too many people. I may even have to split this into two blogs. We'll see.

Lets start off with my resolutions. I had to pick and choose carefully this year because I had so much success with last years that I wish not to muck it up this year.

1. Of course last year I wanted to not gain any weight, and then secretly I resolved to loose 20 pounds. So, this year, up front, I want to loose 30 pounds by December 30 2009.

2. I resolve to limit my potty mouth. Since I'm seen as a leader at church, Pastor Jeff pointed out that the reputation of the church can be reflected in the things I do. So, my major this is my potty mouth. I want to limit it a lot in 2009, and in 2010 I wish to eliminate it all together. So don't look at me funny when I say fizzlesticks.

3. I resolve to put myself out there more and find my soul mate. I've been toying around all these years thinking he or she will find me. Well, it's just not happening. So, I'm going to go out there and find him or her!

4. I resolve to stop drinking soda , exception being diet soda. Well, wherever you fall on this issue, I think the bulk of my weight issues steam from my consuming of soooooooo many sodas. I am not a big eater, but I can down three 2 liters of mountain dew in one day. So, It ties in with my weight loss plan, but it's it's own specific resolution.

5. I resolve to meet at least three "internet" friends in "real life" I am lucky to have so many great friends Online who I've never meet and I think it's time to step out there and meet and greet. I'm very socially awkward, I know, but my life is going to be what it is regardless. Thusly, I need to get over my insecurities and fears and meet these people face to face. I may not be as funny as I am online for I have time to think before I type out, I may not be as handsome as my picture is online for I only pick and choose the best photos of me, and I may not be as receptive to my friends feelings for I haven't a lot of experience with social clues, but damnit, I need to get the hell over it. The friends that I have in "real life" love me for the goofy awkward guy that I am.

6. I resolve to get health insurance and actually see a doctor. I have a great distrust for doctors, but as I get older (Yeah, I'm shocked that I am actually aging as well) it's more important to at least have that resource to help my health. I've not had any health issues thus far, but that could change any moment.

7. I resolve to give forgiveness I've been denying. I know it sounds like a Tim McGraw song, but there are a few people who I've not forgiven in my mind that I think it's time to Forgive. I want everyone I've ever had an issue with know that i forgive them and I will ask for there forgiveness as well. Many will not give me forgiveness, but I will give it to them regardless.

8. I resolve to finish my book, "Alle" . It's the most painfully chapter in my life that I try not to speak of or think of and I had the energy to do it earlier in 2008, but my confidence faded with issues that arrived in my life. it's time to finally put a period in that chapter of my life.

9. I resolve to write (paper and pen, not internet) at least one family member, friend, or random person out of the phone book per week. Sounds nuts? Well, I think the pen is mightier than the click. I've slacked off on my writing big time in 2008. There's no reason for this. I want to write to my family and friends. Not text and email. So, I resolve to do just that.

10. I resolve to try to de clutter my life (materially). I once had all I wished for financially, and I abused it. I didn't appreciate any of it. Then, I took a big hit and lost a lot. Now that I'm getting financially fit again, I resolve to not fill my home with materials. I resolve to only buy what I need with rare little "gifts" sporadically during the course of the year. But never again let what I have define who I am. I will save up, and I will be a more giving person financially.

11. Finally, I resolve to GO THE HELL BACK TO SCHOOL! Not online courses, not a class every semester. But to complete my college education within the next two years. I need to get serious with this. No more excuses. I'm going to finish school damnit.

Okay, yeah, that's it! Now to the Famous Disclaimer and the awesome 2008 thank yous!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, The Famous Tommy D. Annual Thank YOu. The Disclaimer!!!!!!Ok, the thank yous. Same disclosure as the last 7 years. For all the new peeps, this is my annual thanks for people in my life in the previous year, 2008, that made a great impact on my life for the year. There's no negative here, and if you're not mentioned, you should have had more of a presence in my life ( or been more positive) so no complaints, and no apologies given. These are in no particular order, and these are truly sincere and from my heart.

Debra E. (Mommy)- You being yourself have made this 2008 go by so much better than it logically could. i would not have not made it through without you the to help hold me up. Thank you so much for all your love and I hope you know it's returned. I couldn't have asked for a better support or mother than you.

"L" E. (Sis) - Along with mom, you were just so supportive and you kept my thoughts so high. I have so much love for you. I start to cry just thinking how good of a person you are. You deserve so much in life and from what I see, you're not getting what you deserve but I have nothing but faith that you will. I love you so much and thank you for keeping me alive this year.

Marcus E. (Nephew)- Your support of not only me, but the entire family has given us a way to survive. Thank you so much for all that you have done. You have surpassed your father and you are an example of true love and family commitment. I can not tell you how thankful and proud of you I am. I could not ask for a better nephew.

Tenisha E. (Niece In Law) - Your friendship is and has been so important to me. Never do I feel as comfortable talking about stuff than when I'm around you. You have been my support, my reason, and my critic and it's so important that you are in my life. thank you so much for being there and I hope you know how much I love you.

Eugenia W. (Grandma)- You are the example that I wish to try to live by. You have shown me how faith can bring you through. You were diagnosed with Cancer, and you never gave in. You kept faith. I speak to you on the phone and your words comfort and strengthen me. Sometimes, I feel I'm not even worthy of such a person as my relative, but not for one moment can I give you up. You are the core of who I am. I joined church mainly because of you, I took extra steps to be closer to God because of you. How do you thank a person for giving you your eternal salvation. Your treasures are stored up high in heaven. I love you so much and thank you for everything.

Calvin D. (Grandpa)- You horny devil you. Grandpa, the way you carry yourself and the way you are so warm to all those around you shows that I have great genes. Thank you so much for being such a positive part of my life. You are also an inspiration for all those around you.

"L" Jr. ( My flawed but confident Niece)- thank you for your companionship during the year. No matter the issues, you really helped me fight loneliness when it could have easily overtaken me.

Maryann G. ( Auntie)- We are so much alike and we understand each other maybe better than anyone in the family. I love you and thank you so much for all that you have done for me. I am constantly trying to be a strong beacon as you are to the family.

Freddie D. (Uncle)- Never did I know how strong you are. growing up, I didn't realize that you even existed. Now, and way too late, I'm discovering how truly awesome you are. I have never meet a person as focused on pleasing others around him. Your soul is so beautiful and I can't believe that it took so long to realize what an awesome gift god gave to to have you a part of my family.

Penny D. (Disciple)- Penny, why are you so awesome? It's unreal that I have you as a friend. You are the calm in my storms. You are strong and reasonable and sooooooo very loving. Thank you so much for giving me back that gleam in my eye.

Katrina D. (Disciple)- Katrina, from your contagious laugh to your sternness and compassion, you are such a great person and friend. I wish I could record every conversation that we've had. I draw something from you from the most meaningless conversations to those big ones. You are beautiful inside and out and damn, I'm truly blessed.

Brian D. (Disciple)- Not only are you an awesome guy, but you're married to Katrina so that makes you a super fantastic awesome guy! Thank you Brian for show all of us that you can rise above anything and be a better person for it. Stay real and stay awesome.

Jarvis T. (Disciple)- Life hasn't been kind to you recently, but I know it will change. You are a great guy deep down and the lessons that I have learned from you will always be in my mind. thank you for being so forthcoming and honest. You are fabulous and I hope you learn just how fabulous you are.

Nancy S. (Disciple)- I have felt so much comfort in your arms and you continue to comfort me after it all. You have a great example of faith and a heart bigger than anything. Thank you so much much for getting through it all. Thank you for your constant words of kindness, comfort, and knowledge.

Shawn D. (Disciple)- Shawn, you are friggen awesome in every way. I can not describe how the slightest of nods from you would be a miracle to anyone receiving it. Thank you so much Shawn for showing me how awesome you are and for being not only a friend, but a mirror to me.

Melody M. (Disciple)- Melody, you are my confidence. You coached me so well, and you gave me a new and better life. You have taken this broken boy and helped make him a whole man again. I can keep saying thank you over and over for the rest of my life and still I would not have said it enough. Thank you for the impact and the change in my life.

Chris T (Disciple)- Chris your hugs are so awesome and you are so awesome. So what if you hate cats. lol. Your impact on me was sudden yet profound. Thank you for being such a great person to me and all others around you. Stay beautiful.

Chris M. (Disciple)- You are not only the warmest guy, but you are also a damn good looking one at that. Thank you so much for giving me a laugh, giving me comfort, and giving me so much strength. To see your beautiful smile, or to get that opportunity to hear you speak and to be just the awesome guy you are is a blessing for not only me but for many others.

Robin E. ( Disciple)- You helped me so much with situations that came up in my life in 2008. Never has a man been so lucky to know a woman. Robin, you have such a gift and I hope you know it. So much comfort have I felt being around you. You don't speak much, but everything you say is a comfort. Thank you so much.

Cindy M. (Disciple)- Your accent is addictive, and your beauty is limitless. Cindy, than you so much for providing me with a firm foundation to lift off my new life. You still owe me a band play though. lol. Love you.

Pastor Jeff M. ( My spiritual Sheppard)- Words can not express my gratitude to you Pastor. You are not just a figure head at church. You are a part, though big, but a part of our church and a major part of why I live today. Your sermons never disappoint, and the personal attention you gave me this year, I can not thank you enough. You inspire me so much and thank you for being who you were meant to be.

Terry D. (Communion Leader/Trainer)- Thank you so much Terry for being a listening ear and a great teacher. You have helped me so much with coming out of my shell this year and you continue to be such a great person to me. You're such a beautiful person and I'm so lucky to have known you more this year.

Tina J. (Deacon/Oasis Leader/Friend) - You have been more than just a leader to me. You've shared your life and I've shared mine. You always show such compassion and love and reason. You are a true blessing on so many levels. My lord, I can't ask of anything else for the gift of you is more than I ever deserved in this life. thank you so much Tina for being there.

Vivian W. (Friend) - I just wanted to give you thanks Vivian for being a part of JMCC and a part of my life. You have brought me so much comfort in times of stress and your beautiful soul is on such display. Week after week, I've grown more loving of you and I just wanted to let you know how appreciated and loved you are by me. Vivian I know that you are storing so many treasures in heaven and I know that here on earth you will be blessed for you have blessed so many just by being a part of there lives. thank you Vivian.

Valerie M ( Lesbian Love/ Friend)- Val, my dear, I love you too much. Sometimes you don't know how much and I'm sorry if I can't convey it enough, but I'm trying. You are the reason why I can be happy with me. You started this progress long before anyone. I love you so much. thank you for all you did to help me and thank you for being my friend. I love you for exactly who you are and I know the true is same the other way around. I love you so much and thank you for giving me the miracle that is you.

Cindy F. (My High School Sweetheart)- Cindy never can I be so real as when I'm speaking with you. thank you Cindy for being a strong stubborn perfectly great friend. We have to be more close in 2009 and I hope you don't mind, but you are just to awesome to loose as a friend.

Brandi H. ( Brandine my social Butterfly) - Brandine, you have a continuous presence in my life everyday. Never is there a memory of you that slips my mind. Someone as beautiful as you is my friend. Are you kidding? I'm the luckiest guy around (Except for whatshisface or course) Thank you for continuing to bring me into the world and making me feel so awesome about... well, me.

Amanda Jo ( Friend and Inspiration)- We found each other thinking that one of us was someone else. How blessed I am to discover you are not who I thought, but you are Amanda friggen Jo. I can not tell you how thankful I am to have met you. You are beautiful inside, and out, and to the side. you are such a wonderful person and I think that everyone around you so just drop down and thank God for having you a part of their lives. thank you for being so awesome and thank you for keeping my secrets and allowing me to laugh.

Reonna Mia ( My niece by choice)- Your confidence and your beauty shines through. You're so much like me, it's kinda scary. thank you so much for being so loving to me. never would I have thought that when I met you back in 1997 that you would be such an important part of my life. You bring me comfort and love and a warm fuzzy feeling. Thank you.

Mysty M. ( Friend and secret lover)- Thank you for the things you've done for me. You raise my confidence, and lord knows I need that. You show an example of someone that is comfortable with who they are and man I can't tell you how beautiful that is. I'm trying to get there.

Jhoeny G. ( The Mother of my Kada)- Jhoeny, you continue to inspire me. You're a mother now and damn, you still do it with style and spirit. Thank you so much for providing me with that all important smile and keeping me focused on what is important in life. Bless you and your beautiful family.

Dan V. E. ( My most dreamed of friend) - You are one of the reasons I hold my head up high even through all the adversity I've faced. You have such a beautiful soul and I hope you know how much I truly appreciate you. I will be in more contact with you in 2009 so there's your warning. I refuse to let you go as my friend. Thank you so much for your friendship.

Sue (My Myspace Auntie)- Sue, you are a true to heart genuine person and I thank you so much for not only sharing with me, but also for allowing me to explore myself with you. Ooo, also, for letting me beat you so bad in every game we play. lol. But, Sue, I can not tell you how awesome you are and how thankful I am to you. I hope you know this.

Ashley ( My sis in a lot of ways)- You are awesome. I need not tell you that though. You know it. And I want to thank you for the thought provoking conversations and allowing me to be a part of your life.

Antwan H. ( My longest running friend)- Thank God we continued contact in 2008. thank you for being a senile SOB. lol. You are my rock through it all. i can always depend on you and I thank you for being there.

Earlene R. ( My ex coworker and Spiritual Grounder) - Thank you so much Earlene for reaching out to me and keeping my head in the right direction. You can not know how much I love and appreciate you. How I do miss our long conversations about life and the direction God wants both of us to follow.

Lisa R. (My co-Worker and reason I love the Job)- Lisa, you have such an ability to calm me down that it scares me so much. thank you so much for keeping me so on the ground and making sure I remember my own morals. Also, thanks for making Matthew. One day, him and ;I will be married and I can call you mom!!!!!!!!!

Michelle Mia (My Light Skinned Competition) - Michelle, you are so awesome. You always bring a smile to my face. thank you for being real with me all the time and putting up with my Zack jokes. BTW, I better end this so you can get back to making out with him. lol.