The Essence of the Annual Summer Crush

It happens every summer. Every summer I develop a sick ass crush – an embarrassing crush for a 15 year old let alone a woman about to turn 35.

Like scripted daydreams. Like scripted detailed daydreams about how we meet, what we say to each other, what I’m wearing. Sometimes I change the outfits. Sometimes I organise an entire three week wardrobe during the courtship. Then I’ll craft the arguments. You know that first hurdle you always have to jump at the beginning of a relationship that, when conquered, ultimately becomes that which holds you together? Yes. I imagine those too.

I address all our challenges. I address them meticulously as though they were real. I examine the solutions from every angle. Then I decide how we will resolve them together. And I don’t forget the little moments. Cuddling on the couch watching tv. A nip on the lips while waiting in line to check our bags at the airport.

I’m telling you. I’m deranged.

I can’t remember them all. I do know that Heath Ledger post Knight’s Tale was a boyfriend. As was Ryan Gosling. And Lance Armstrong. And Joaquin Phoenix after that. Last year it was Jim Sturgess.

This summer… as you know…how could it be anyone other than Michael Phelps? Duana is tired of my Skype moaning over him every day. She told me to write it out. To write out Our Story as a way to get over it sooner so that I won’t be such an irritant every morning.

I thought about it, but you know what the problem is? I’m actually afraid that if I write it out, I’ll jinx it and it won’t happen.

Me = Lame Twat.

Still… I’m not sharing the details of my Phelps fantasy. Because I totally need it to come true.

This is Michael with his 8 medals on the new cover of Sports Illustrated. And a shot of his back and ass. Quiver with me, won’t you? Also… Michael with young Stevie, a boy who heroworshipped him until his death from cancer. Just before Stevie passed, Michael visited him at home, held his hand and talked to him for 2 hours while he slept.

They say he’s a decent person. I believe it. They also say he can be grumpy, rigid, impatient, and prone to a temper. I believe it too. And it’s sexy as all hell.

You've already heard the rumour has he’s either dating Amanda Beard or a model called Lily Donaldson. The truth - it looks like he has a longterm girlfriend who is NOT a celebrity. She's apparently from Baltimore, moved with him to Michigan, and will be moving back to Baltimore when he returns from the Olympics.

If he ever does feel like dabbling in Hollywood though, I’d like to see him with a Gossip Girl. Like Blake Lively. Then he’d get bored of her. And after a string of tarty skanks maybe he’ll meet Alexis Bledel although I’m not so sure she’s perfect either. And maybe he’s not into that type. Am still looking for his ideal mate. Perhaps Jessi Cruickshank from MTV Canada? Jessi has a gold medal in gorgessity. And a world record in smarty pants.

But... you know he once tried to pick up Jenna Bush?

Jenna Bush???

Enough. I’ll be over this in a few weeks. By my birthday it’ll be done.