A Tale of Two Mothers

Who do I honor more: my birth mother or my adoptive mother?

I have relationships with both mothers, but neither one really treats me like a daughter. My adopted mother has distanced herself from me since I “found” my birth mother, and this was 31 years ago. She had nothing to do with her grandchildren, neither then nor now.

My birth mother tells everyone I am her illegitimate daughter. I love both these women but have often wondered to whom is the honoring to go? For example, if they were both to become ill at the same time and I could only move one into my home, whom do I choose?

Thanks, TJ

Dear reader,

The question you raise is a very good one but doesn’t provide enough information for a definitive response. We can, however, discuss Torah criteria as they apply to our responsibilities to a birth mother and an adoptive mother. Clearly, each in their own right warrants respect, care and attention.

It is not clear from your question why your birth mother put you up for adoption. Reasons can range from an “illegitimate” pregnancy to various other factors, i.e., no partner to share the burden, no means of support, too young and inexperienced to health issues, physical, mental and psychological. It might also have been a move in the direction to provide a healthier and more secure environment for her child. The possibilities are endless.

Regardless, the incontrovertible fact is that your birth mother gave you life. To her credit, she did not resort to abortion. The ordeal of pregnancy entails risk, or at the very least, pain and discomfort. Most women would concede that it is well worth the price. But nonetheless, it does exact a price.

It is noteworthy that while we are all familiar with a woman’s natural maternal instincts, the Torah mitzvah to have children is not directed at women; it is a man’s obligation. One of the reasons cited is that since pregnancy and birth involve an element of risk to the woman, the Torah sought not to obligate her; it left it as an optional choice. For men it is a mitzvah; for women it is considered an act of sacrificial loving-kindness.

Your birth mother remains a force in your life that cannot be dismissed. Honor is mandated.

Additionally, many of the positive qualities and strengths, both physical, mental and psychological, are the result of having been nurtured for nine months in the birth mother’s womb. Another factor to take into account is that according to Torah perspective, there are three partners in the creation of human being: the mother, father and the Almighty. And if nothing else, at the very minimum, we owe parents honor because for a moment at the time of conception, they were partners with God. In honoring them, we honor God.

Therefore, for all of these reasons and many others, your birth mother remains a force in your life that cannot be dismissed. Honor and respect is therefore mandated.

Your adoptive mother did not give you physical life, nonetheless, and perhaps more significantly, she gave you “the art of living.” She raised you on a daily basis and taught you right from wrong. She gave you a roof over your head, a place of belonging. She nursed you through fevers, colds, and sleepless nights. She soothed you when you had nightmares and hugged you when you were frightened by the thunder and lighting. She kissed your skinned knees. She was there. She was with you through all the passages; the high, exhilarating moments and the disappointing lows that inevitably appear during our growing years. And hopefully, along with all that, she gave you love and caring.

The Talmud states that when a person mentors and teaches another person's child values to live by, it is considered as though they had given birth to that child. In support of this perspective, the Jewish Law provides that if a scenario should arise where both the biological parent and the mentor of this given individual were both taken hostage and the child had only enough money to rescue one of them, it would have to be the mentor, rather than the biological parent, (providing the parent had not served in the capacity of a role model). Clearly, there is huge value placed on those who impact our lives morally and spiritually by teaching us and giving us direction and guidance in finding our path.

Adoptive parents who take a child under their wing and provide the tools for living a productive, constructive, decent and ethical life would unquestionably qualify for this category and should be accorded the greatest of deference and respect.

You have an obligation to honor both of these women for their contribution to your life, each in their own way.

My dear reader, you have an obligation to honor both of these women for their contribution to your life, each in their own way. Honor according to Jewish law mandates seeing to it, to the best of your ability, that their needs are met, i.e. that they have food, clothing, shelter and the wherewithal to get where they need to go.

You mention that your adoptive mother had distanced herself from you since you found your birth mother. There isn’t enough information in your letter to comment intelligently on that situation. However, I would encourage you to attempt to make amends, to repair the relationship. At the very least, send a card every so often to tell her that you are thinking of her and the kindnesses that she extended to you.

Your birth mother has disappointed you by referring to you as “illegitimate: which obviously you cannot take personally as it is no fault of yours. Instead, take pride in the fact that you grew up and made a life for yourself. You have your own family and moreover, you have the moral sensitivity to make inquiries about what the right thing is to do and what your obligations are. Always remember Eleanor Roosevelt’s admonition that “nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.” There is absolutely no reason for you to give your consent.

Alternatively, remember that despite all, your birth mother gave you life and you therefore owe her respect. Again, to reiterate, this means that you should make every attempt to see to it that her needs are met. An occasional, caring inquiry by card email or phone, whichever is least painful for you, would be “going the extra mile.”

In the event that both mothers would become ill at the same time, a factor in the equation would be if either had another child who could step up to the plate and thus free you to care for the other one who perhaps has no one else. The question then would be: are you an only child to either one of them? The alternative of taking one of the two into your home is to make arrangements for the other to be cared for in an assisted living situation depending on what their condition requires. Their condition would be another determining factor in which one you could realistically care for in your home.

The bottom line is that anything that you do should be an expression of gratitude for the “gift of life” from your birth mother and the “art of living” from your adoptive mother. I wish you much success!

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About the Author

Rebbetzin Feige Twerski of Milwaukee, Wisconsin has devoted her life to Jewish education and Outreach, giving lectures worldwide on a myriad of Judaic subjects. She is a mother of 11 children, and many grandchildren whose number she refuses to divulge. She serves as the Rebbetzin along side her husband, Rabbi Michel Twerski, of Congregation Beth Jehudah of Milwaukee.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 18

(17)
Anonymous,
December 21, 2010 4:34 PM

Agony of an Adoptive Parent

Our daughter, a foreign born adopted by family members who both passed away became ours at age seven. We gave her everything parents can possibly give any child: love, private education, quality home and amazing community relationships – it was a dream life, she was beautiful, happy child who turned into a heartbreaker. At seventeen our lives turned into a nightmare With no warning she ran away with a (violent) boyfriend, she lied, stole, physically hit me, dropped out of school, and cut herself off completely everyone. After two agonizing months, she called me, sounding like a caged animal, begging to be rescued from her boy friend and his parents who had allowed the truancy and her moving into their house. When we called the police, they threatened us and lied on her whereabouts. I ran to rescue her and was assaulted by her boyfriend who smashed the car windows and left me completely covered with glass. His father threatened me with his pit-bull dogs and threatened to kill us when his son was arrested for the assault. But two weeks later my daughter ran back to him and testified against me regarding his assault. Its been three years and she has refused to be in touch with us, and charged me with a restraining order when I found out where she works and wanted to tell her that I love her. Her behavior is shocking (she is not on drugs, nor mentally ill) but I cant stop thinking and worrying about her. I have been to therapists, Rabbis, sought help for myself, but I can’t get her off my mind – how do I go on?

(16)
Linda,
June 20, 2010 2:34 AM

adoptive mother should NOT be honored

The adoptive mother in this instance deserves no honor. As an adoptee, I am disgusted when I hear stories of adoptive parents "disowning" their adoptive children when they find their first families. Adoptees have 4 REAL parents, and each has a different role. It is NOT up to the adoptee to "make it all better" for ANY of our parents, especially when a parent acts in this despicable manner. You owe this woman NOTHING. She turned her back on you and your children because you wanted to know and love your first Mother. Most parents love more than one child, why is it seen as a crime when an adoptee wishes to know and love ALL of their parents? Oh, and first Moms who relinquish would have not chosen to abort, so please stop with the "be thankful she did not abort you" line. Do you say that to non-adoptees, too? It is an uninformed and ridiculous thing to say to an adoptee.

David L,
May 13, 2011 9:15 AM

All Mothers should be honoured

I am not of the Jewish faith but I am an adoptee. Both Mothers deserve honour, but I am not talking of the religious aspects of this. Rather than throw the hurt back at the adoptive mother, for that is the root of this, one should try to bring understanding into the situation.
"why is it seen as a crime when an adoptee wishes to know and love ALL of their parents?"
If you do not understand that I am surprised since as an adoptee yourself you should understand that better than those who are not. This sounds more like selfishness on your part by lacking the understanding of the trauma for the adoptive parents.
In the United Kingdom adoptive parents were told that the child would NEVER be able to find the birth parents, and many did not, or were not even told they were adopted. These adoptive parents were secure that this was 'their own' child and that could not be taken away from them. Then the child finds the birth mother, as I did. That is a big shock to older adoptive parents and you should also take into consideration the reasons why they adopted in the fist place.
To dismiss their hurt as 'disgraceful' is a complete lack of any understanding on your part.

(15)
Anonymous,
February 23, 2010 5:26 PM

mother who adopted

This is an excellent article with great comments. One thing struck me in the comments, that G-d knows which adoptive parent can help the needy child. My son suffered, as many adopted children do, from Seperation Anxiety. But was misdiagnoised as ADHD, ODD. Raising him was a nightmare that lasted 19 years. Many people told me to give up, but my husband and I did not. He turned out OK and succesful, but all during the first ten or so years of his life I prayed to G-d about why did He send me this child. All we wanted was a family, a loving family not filled with daily trials and heartbreak. One day G-d answered my prayer and made me see that He gave us the child He did, for my son, not for us. I praise Him all of the time for the wonderful gift of my Asian child, who is now a Iraq vet, married and has given me the most delightful grandson a mother could ask for.

(14)
Anonymous,
February 16, 2010 5:44 PM

Fantasy Birth mother not the same as the reality one

After several foster homes i was adopted by a woman who worked for dcfs. The nightmare was about to begin i was locked in rooms, sexual , physical and major emotional abuse is what they gave me.My story of adoption was not the warm fuzzy variety. on the outside these people looked perfect like we were the perfect family, 6 bedroom house nice clothes etc.my life was topsy turvy and hell for years thanks to these sick twisted people. Fast forward about 20 years iam a mother to a 10 year boy Zachary i love him so much he has warmed my heart and helped me smile again. My life is starting to come full circle after years of therapy and hard work, the the phone rings; my brother has informwed me he has finally after many years of searching found our biological mother. This was the hole in my heart, which was becoming bigger the older i got. Biological mother is schizophrenic, spent time in crazy house, looked like a bag lady, lived on social security with her mexican boyfriend of 25yrs, they had a daughter together my 16yr old half sister. lived in filth and dirt. not standards i was accustomed to or surroundings i was familiar with. this was it here she was at 36 yrs old i was reunited with my biological mother and i struggle to deal with the raw reality of where exactly i did come from. this was not the fantasy lady in my head i had created as explanation of who my mother was. She is mentally il, not a glamour puss i fancied not wealthy, and classy with a fabulous career. if you saw her on the street you would think she was homeless, scary, nuts, stay away.but if you take your time to try to get to know the soul this person carried who gave me life, you find a heart of gold!!!!!!! even the best presentation can not make up for genuine love and kindness that this woman has tried to show me, in the short amount of time.Mother is a title wirth different meanings to the individual, iam too old for a mother now but never too old for another friend.

(13)
Feigele,
February 16, 2010 4:18 PM

TO: (12) Anonymous, February 16, 2010

No one can know your anguish in raising such a child. We have relatives who adopted two non-related Asian children. A boy, who is very bright and successful. A girl, who, in her early twenty, turned out to be Schizophrenic, which, let me believe that G-d knows which people can handle such situation or any others. He knows what’s in our heart and assign each of us the most suitable one. In this instance, you have perfectly performed yours. What comes after is in G-d’s hands.

(12)
Anonymous,
February 16, 2010 7:23 AM

Adoption raises problems for parents and child

Adopting a child is generally to fill the need of the adoptive parents as well as for the child to be part of a family. The parents frequently have little information regarding the health and condition of the birth mother.
Rebbetzin Twerski described the dual allegiance an adopted child struggles to resolve. Each child and adoptive parents will have to develop trust and love for each other.
I can reflect on my own experience in adopting a baby where we made an error. We made no effort to learn the mother's health, Social Workers advised us to tell him that he was adopted so that he would not learn from others that he was adopted. The result was a serious lack of self confidence. He had a Learning Disability in school, and felt he did not belong to our family, since we all were college graduates. He was gifted athletically, but never accepted his true ability as an athlete, nor enjoyed playing Varsity sports in High School or Community College, despite picked to play in All Star games.
He was diagnosed as Schizophrenic at age 22. He felt inferior to his peers, and to gain acceptance he used drugs. He was hospitalized frequently, and although he was seen by Psychiatrists and Psychologists, no one was effective treating him. He is now 54 years old. My wife died 10 years ago. For the past 12 years he has been living in an efficiency apartment alone, and spends week-ends at my house. He says when I die, no one will be willing to help him. He is in treatment for his illness by the ACT program. the Psychiatrists comes 1 hour a month to meet with him in my house. A therapist spends 1 hour a week visiting him also at my house. 2 days a week he goes to group sessions and activites for 6 hours a day. I can not demonstrate any weakness or illness, since he becomes fearful of being deserted. Despite the problems, adopting him was the right move.

(11)
Cully,
February 15, 2010 7:20 PM

Blessings

The first thing that struck me (and bothers me) is that TJ’s birth-mother refers to her as, “her illegitimate daughter”. The second is that she says that her adoptive mother “had nothing to do with her grandchildren, neither then [when she found her birth-mother] nor now.” I am an adoptee like TJ and always wanted to know “Why?”… My wanting to know about my birth-mother Did Not (and never will) mean that I loved my adopted mother less than someone who would be a stranger to me, but my adopted mother was threatened by her own belief that if I found my bith-mother, I would. It was that old thing about blood… She just didn’t understand that Blood makes us related but Love makes us family.
It seems to me that TJ’s birth mother is still carrying some form of guilt from having a child out of wedlock. No Child is “illegitimate”… maybe his/her parents are not legally married – they are “illegitimate” but Never a child. As our Rebbetzin says, we don’t have all the information, but we also must remember that whatever happened to the birth-mother and the adoptive mother, whatever was said to them, or how they were treated – because they were pregnant or not, because they relinquished a child or adopted one – we must remember that, that is the information we do not have. We have no idea of their heartaches. Let your adopted mother know how much you love her, how much you have missed her, and how proud you are to be her daughter – a strong, brave, and loving woman.
Both my mothers have gone on. How lucky you are, TJ, to be able to see yours smile, to hear their voices, and to know the look in their eyes. Blessing on you dear one!

(10)
V. Levith,
February 15, 2010 3:33 PM

A Tale of 2 Mothers

You fail to mention the obligation of mothers to raise, respect and nuture their children. We may become mothers eventually, but we start off as children. Neglectful, abusive and narsassitic (sp?) mothers, who let their own insecurities interfer in the growth of the child, cannot be praised or respected just for the sake of "respecting your mother." You are a mother of 11, so therefore your own "need" that your children respect and honor you is a takes away from you ability to see all aspects of the relationship of the writer to both her parents. Here is a woman who has been treated harshly, and unfairly by both mothers, and all you can say is SHE must make it right. I think you need to sit back, remove yourself from being a mother of 11 and see that not every child is responsible for their mother's acceptance or love of them. I'm sure there is somewhere in the Torah that addresses a mother's obligation to her child. You've only added guilt to the writers already hurt feelings. I think more empathy would have been in order here. She can respect their roles in her life, but she does not have to withstand anymore of their abuse.

(9)
Anonymous,
February 15, 2010 1:49 PM

honor owed abusive biological parents?

My adopted/foster children were raised until elementary school by drug addicted, abusive - in all forms of the word - parents. They were finally taken away after numerous complaints. They have problems to this day because of drug/ alcohol consumption during pregnancy - they are late-teen and early twenty. What honor do they owe? And how do I even begin to help them figure this out?

(8)
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe,
February 15, 2010 3:45 AM

Adoption of baby girl from China

Dear Fayge Twerski:
What a touching article about the
adopted mother vs. the birth mother.
The New York Times (2/14/10
(Valentine's Day) carried a touching
article by Daniel Jones. It was titled,
"Explaining the Irrational: Here
Goes." The following story is included
in the piece:
"Say you decide to adopt a baby girl
in China. You receive her photo, put
it on your refrigerator and gaze at
it as the months pass, until finally
you're half-way around the world,
holding her in your arms, tears of
joy streamng down your face.
But later in your hotel room, after
undressing her, you discover
worrisome physical signs, in
particular a scar on her spine. You
call the doctor, then head to the
hospital for examinations and CT
scans, where you are told the
following: she suffered botched
spinal surgery that causedf nerve
damage. Soon she will lose all
bladder and bowel control. Oh, and
she will be paralyzed for life. We're
so sorry.
Bur the adoption agency offers you
a choice: keep this damaged baby,
or trade her in for a healthier one.
You don't even know about the trials
yet to come, about the alarming
diagnoses she'll receive back home,
the terrifying seizures you'll witness.
Nor do you know about the happy
ending that is years off, when she
comes through it all and is perfectly
fine. You have to decide now. What
do you do?
If you're Elizabeth Fitzsimons, who
told this story here one Mother's
Day, you say: 'We don't want another baby. We want our baby,
the one sleeping right over there.
She's our daughter.
That's love, Anyone can have it. All
it requires is a little bravery. Or a
lot.."
Happy Valentine's Day.

(7)
JW,
February 15, 2010 2:09 AM

Call your mothers

It seems that some repair or amends with your adoptive mother may be in order. The Rebbitzin gave great advice -- reach out in some way. Perhaps she feels or felt rejected by you finding your birth mother. Communicate.

(6)
Jen,
February 14, 2010 8:51 PM

two mothers or two children?

Whenever a parent is asked which of their children they love the best, they are supposed to say that they love them all equally. Certainly there will be individual things or idiosyncracies about each child that they love differently, but overall, we all love our children the same, don't we? Surely the same applies in reverse, so if you have two mothers, you should love them equally, but perhaps for different things?

(5)
Mary,
February 14, 2010 7:56 PM

cause and effect

It sounds like the daughter is overlooking the cause and effect that her "finding her biological mother" caused the distancing with her adoptive mother. I think the advice to "thank her for her kindnesses" sounds too formal. She should treat her like her mother. Thirty one years is a long time to have let go by and the relationship with the grandchildren has been damaged. Now that the daughter has had and raised children she should have a clue about the amount of time and money and caring it takes. As someone once said, imagine that the hospital called up and said "sorry we just found out that your children were switched at birth, would her feelings for the children change?" I think you should try that exercise to have a clue how your adoptive mother feels. I know a lot of adopted kids in their teen age years get to the point of yelling at their parent "you're not my real parent". I somehow think that that message was conveyed and that the adoptive mother took it to heart.
Our society has a problem that has to be worked out. Starting out with the right assumptions would help.
The rules got changed on people in the middle of the relationship when attitudes changed and sealed records got opened up.
Very few people do things totally altruistically. I doubt that the adoptive mother adopted in order to do a good deed.
My guess is that she adopted because she wanted to experience motherhood and thought that she would be seen as a mother and as a grandmother. I think she must be a very disappointed woman. I wonder, not knowing the facts, if asking for forgiveness would help. The fact that the biological woman calls the daughter her "illegitimate daughter" should give a clue that the legitimate mother is the adoptive mother. Acknowledging that is called for. Maybe one day the mothers can send each other thank you cards for the role of the other and see themselves as basically having worked together to achieve a good end.

(4)
Anonymous,
February 14, 2010 5:43 PM

Seeking answers

I understand TJ why you had a need to know your birth mother. They can give answers to who you are, that an adopted family can not. When I finally brought up to my mom about being adopted (which I had figured out, they didn't tell me) my mom said "I'm the one that raised you". I quit seeking to find out who my birth mother was. It really upset my adopted mom a lot. She couldn't understand why I would want to know who my birth mother was. And I started amending my relationship with my adopted mom then, I didn't let it go any further. My mom's sister has helped, by joking about that I was switched at birth and they are not sending me back. So if I do bring it up, I just make jokes about it, and my mom can live with that. She didn't want anyone else to get the credit, for what she had done, the sacrifices she had made. Since my adopted family is all I have ever known, it's best to keep the peace with them. During my search I found some answers that gave me peace. And that's all I was searching for. Rebbetzin, all of your advise was excellent!

(3)
Judith Herzog,
February 14, 2010 5:17 PM

from the mother

I am a frum woman, both of whose children came by adoption. I am very close to both of my now-grown children, children-in-law and six (so far) gorgeous grandchildren. I agree with Rebbitsen Twerski for the most part, but my viewpoint comes from a slightly different perspective. I have always felt, right from the moment I made the decision to adopt, that G-d was giving me the children he meant for me to have, even if He had to use the bodies of other women to bring my children to me. Those women, their birthwomen, not only gave life and breath to my children, they gave to me the greatest treasures on earth- my children. I have never felt threatened if they wanted to search for their birthpeople (and have told them so), because H"m gave them to me, to be my own. If they have enough room in their hearts to also love and honor their birthwomen, then I have raised 2 very loving, well-adjusted children. (Neither has ever expressed any desire to look for their birthpeople.)
I feel sorry for both the mother of this writer, and also the birthwoman (and, yes, there is a difference), because they has not only hurt the daughter, but they have cut themselves off from the joy they could be getting from her and their grandchildren. It sounds as though both women have their own issues, which, while understandable, may be preventing them from fully accepting the love of their dughter or expressing their love for her. Caring about, loving, honoring, more than one mother does not in any way negate the feelings for the other mother. It just expands the love. Obviously, G-d meant for her to live this life. I hope she can discuss this with both the mother and the birthwoman, maybe with the help of a good rabbi or counsellor, and, perhaps, become closer to both. I wish her peace and happiness, and that all three will be able to feel blessed by G-d.

(2)
geela,
February 14, 2010 5:06 PM

I had parents who adoptited me and my brothers, and when I speak for my brothers , we honor my adoptive mother , because thats the the only mother we knew. When our parents yarzhit falls we honoe them every year.

(1)
Feigele,
February 14, 2010 3:45 PM

Which of the two Mothers!

Rebbetzin Twerski’s advices are so sound, well balanced and so rational. I can only agree with everything she says. However, knowing what a mother goes through raising children day after day, year after year, I would be inclined to choose the adopted mother who gave part of her life to raise another’s child. Of course, not to neglect the birth mother, who, in my book, seems insensitive to her daughter’s feelings by pejoratively calling her “illegitimate”. As for the adoptive mother who seems to have given up on her, it could be due to a lack of security, or generosity in giving her the freedom to choose between the two mothers, or is it a relief not to have to bother with her and the grandchildren? Like the Rebbetzin says, the story lacks lots of details. It should be so obvious to TJ who to choose in case of emergency according to her short story, and she only can decide. She will know when the time comes.

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!