That was Joe Kinnear’s infamous opening line in diplomacy as he strode into his first press conference as Newcastle United boss five years ago.

In a charm offensive, which was more offensive than charm, he set about his job by swearing 52 times in the first five minutes of a blistering rant. He set a tone of chaos, misinformation and turmoil that ended in a heart attack for Kinnear, and relegation for Newcastle in their most humiliating season in living memory.

So who better for Mike Ashley to whisk in to calm the club after a troubled, fractious season on and of the pitch?

At a time when a clear, methodical, detailed head is needed, who do you turn to?

Someone who can sooth, discretely put out fires, be a rock at Alan Pardew’s side. Someone who won’t make any public play to take over his managerial duties.

Joe “f******” Kinnear, of course. The only man for the job in Mike Ashley’s eyes.

It is hard not to view Kinnear’s return as Director of Football, as a major power play by Ashley, against Pardew, who only just clung on to his job at end of the season after a terrible campaign in league and domestic cups.

Already last night Kinnear, now a loyal Ashley spy inside the football operation, launched his first grenade that exploded at Pardew’s door. He was now “in charge of transfers.”

He also claimed: “I know I’ve got more knowledge than most people at Newcastle about football.”

Adding the usual rider: “That’s no disrespect to anybody there.”

Except it is.

Pardew will no doubt have been delighted to hear Kinnear offering him any advice he needs. Kinnear added: “I will sit down with Alan Pardew and talk about what we need to be successful. I will bend over backwards to make sure we’re successful.”

A suspicious mind might conclude that Ashley would have been a tad embarrassed to sack Pardew in May, just seven months after giving him an eight year contract, so did the next best thing and parachuted close chum Kinnear in to shake things up a bit and make Pardew feel uncomfortable.

Why is this such a big deal? Kinnear’s record while boss was unspectacular, setting the course for relegation before he was sidelined by ill health in February 2009

Is he the perfect deal maker? When boss, he claimed Michael Owen was signing a new contract (it didn’t happen). He said Nicky Butt was staying long term (it didn’t happen). He had top Argentinians playing in Italy on the verge of signing (it didn’t happen).

Every other week was “D-day” for Ashley to sell the club (it never happened).

How the Mirror reported Joe Kinnear's 2008 rant

He regaled us with a brilliant anecdote of the time when he was manger of Nepal in 1987 (yes that bit is actually true) and had to flee the country because the Crown Prince (who apparently used to helicopter him over Everest) had shot his parents the King and Queen. Turned out that happened 14 years later, by which time he was boss of Luton.

Let’s hope Kinnear has more of an eye for a detail when buying all Newcastle’s players and negotiating contracts this summer. As well as weeding out under performing players, another of his pledges last night.

There was one sentence of solace for Pardew, which will be tested next season. Kinnear said: “There are no issues. My job is quite clear. I’m Director of Football, he’s manager.

“I’m not picking the team, that’s what manager gets paid for. I’m there to ensure he gets best possible team on pitch. Tactics and coaching are strictly down to him. If he has questions, he’ll ask them and I’ll answer them.”

Ashley loves a bit of creative tension at the top of his businesses. He loves a good ruck, a bit of swearing, a blow out in the open, and then no grudges held the next day. Kinnear will fit perfectly.

Kinnear says he is “fit as a fiddle” these days. He clearly has football qualities, although it is 21 years since he took charge at Wimbledon his undoubted success story, and it remains to be seen how sharp they remain.

Last night Kinnear was already bemoaning his “relationship with the media”, which was actually fairly straight forward and non-confrontational, after his initial blast and threats of multiple banning orders. We asked the questions, he answered, we checked the facts.

He also moaned about not being accepted first time round because he wasn’t a Geordie.

Throwing his weight around: Mike Ashley has shown Pardew who's boss

He added: “What I can offer is that I believe I’m a very good judge of players, a very good tactician. I intend to take Newcastle far better than there are now. I’ve a bright head. I can see a good player, get the right players in to make us successful.

“As far as attack-wise, the season before last we got lots of goals, last season we were struggling. Defensively we need to shore up. It was a lot to do with the Europa League. We didn’t have enough quality players to go with the league, FA Cup, league cup. We had drained players, picked up a lot of injuries. We need to address that badly.”