The Doll’s visit on Friday was really pleasant, and because of this (or maybe for some other random reason) I’ve stopped flip-flopping over whether I want to keep seeing him; I’ve definitely decided to hang in there and see what happens. Ever since then, I’ve been fighting the urge to write or text him a hundred times a day. I’m very aware that it’s not him I’m missing so much as the feeling of being liked.

I did exchange a little flurry of messages with him on FetLife today. I hope it doesn’t make me look too clingy that I’d reply to his missives immediately after he wrote them. Before this I made an effort to pace myself a bit, but today……….well, to be honest, I was hoping that my writing aimlessly to say “hi” would somehow provoke him to write back a bunch of mushy stuff. But it didn’t, and when his perfectly appropriate but not-effusive reply didn’t hit the spot for me I whipped off another message hoping that one would somehow get a mushy reply. But I knew even at the time that this was sort of pathetic so after we exchanged three or four messages in fairly rapid succession, I made myself go do other things.

It did of course occur to me that if I wrote mushy stuff, I’d be more likely to get some in return. But see, this is where the paranoia and overthinking kick into high gear: up to this point, The Doll has perhaps been giving more to our interactions than I have – buying me little gifts, giving compliments, just generally seeming pretty into me – while I’ve been a little more reserved because I wasn’t sure how I felt. And I have to wonder: is he into me because of this reserve? Is this one of those things where he wants to chase me or tame me or whateverthefuck?

All I know is that when I was younger I went through a similar cycle about a million times: some dude throws himself at me but I’m not sure I’m into him, but eventually I realize I might kinda like him (or, more likely, just get addicted to the attention) and worry that if I’m too reticent the guy will think “Bah, she’s clearly not into me, I should just give up.” So I up my game…and the guy loses all interest. Probably The Doll (who is 37 and seems pretty stable and normal) is not comparable to the unbalanced teenagers of yore, but still…I worry.

(Also, it’s disingenuous to write mushy stuff just so I’ll get it back. Bleh.)

This is just one more reason I dig being nonmonogamous: during my relatively-rare-these-days periods of clinginess, I can (in theory) distribute the feelings among several people instead of depending on one guy for all my validation (which might cause that one guy to become overwhelmed and run away).

And so I contacted The Pedant hoping for a get-together. Turns out our schedules are at odds for the next couple of weeks, but it was still satisfying and reassuring to hear from him. He’s not new like The Doll is; The Pedant has maintained his interest in me for like a year and a half now, and always resurfaces glad to see me even when it’s been a couple of months since we’ve spoken. Because of this, I don’t need him to be particularly effusive with me; his usual level of nonchalant fondness is enough.

So I guess the key is not merely having several boys in my life; it’s having someone who’s not new. Dating several brand new guys at once would probably just magnify my insanity.

This post makes it look like I’m entirely depending on the attention of cute boys for my well-being – like I’m sitting around the house all day either contacting boys or wishing boys were hanging out with me. This is not the case. I’ve been hanging out with friends and also making sure I have plenty of alone-time, and I have plans to keep processing my breakup with Minx through painting. I know that I am in no way ready to wind my identity up in anyone else’s right now, so I’m determined to keep on feeling “single” no matter how much I might enjoy spending time with The Doll or anyone else. I’m focusing on keeping my sense of self intact above all else.

Tangent: The Pedant apologized for not being available sooner and says he’ll “make it up to me” when we finally do manage to see each other. I’m extremely curious to know what this might entail. 😀