The Donahues Episode 51

The Donahues and Alexanders hold a joint Thanksgiving, old habits die hard when it comes to resolving the past Donahue-Alexander conflict, Ethan keeps things regarding his legal troubles from his family, Ryan begrudgingly participates in the interfamilial festivities, Madeline is distracted, Ryan looks into starting a band and Jacob has a feeling about Scott's ex-girlfriend

Submitted:Nov 22, 2012
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THE DONAHUES

"THANKSGIVING"

TV-MA L

"I am grateful for my family, who love me despite me. For Friends
both old and new, for life, each day I feel blessed anew. For
food and shelter in the midst of want, For the many bridges that
will not be burnt."

Monciana Edmondson

(We start with Ryan up against a wall near the back door of his
house. Brennan, Sarah and Michael are standing outside the back
door with a sack labeled "kidnapping". Ryan takes out a walkie
talkie)

RYAN: Black Serpent, do you have the bag ready?

BRENNAN: That's an affirmative, Charcoal Viper. As long as there
are no interlopers in the vicinity, you can go ahead and jump in.

RYAN: Alright. One, two, three, go!

(Ryan sneaks out the back door, jumps into the bag and Sarah,
Michael and Brennan tie it up and carry it off, laughing. They
stuff the bag in Brennan's trunk, Brennan gets in the front seat,
Sarah gets in the passenger seat and Michael gets in the back
seat and they drive away. Cut to Kimberly and Ethan in the
kitchen)

KIMBERLY: What should we bring?

ETHAN: I don't know, I've never had Thanksgiving at someone
else's house. I don't even know why we're doing it.

KIMBERLY: It's a good will gesture since the events of a month
ago.

ETHAN: Maybe we should bring something cold and hard on the eyes,
like macaroni salad.

KIMBERLY: In a Tupperware container!

ETHAN: Yes!

(Kimberly goes into the fridge, gets macaroni salad in a
Tupperware container and puts it on the counter)

KIMBERLY: Done!

ETHAN: Alright, let's get the kids and let's go!

(Jacob, Madeline and Rob come in. Jacob's wearing athletic shorts
and a t-shirt, Madeline's texting while wearing sweatpants and
TOMS and a tank top while Rob is wearing a tuxedo)

JACOB: We're here.

ETHAN: Wow, Jacob, Madeline, you couldn't have dressed up a
little more?

JACOB: It's Thanksgiving; we usually just stay here, eat and
watch football, why be formal?

KIMBERLY: Because we're going to have Thanksgiving at someone
else's house, that's why. Plus, Rob is way overdressed, but at
least he made an effort!

ROB: Yeah, I'm representing the Donahue family better than the
Donahues are!

ETHAN: You look like Yakov Smirnoff in a tux, but not funny. And
with a slightly shorter beard.

ROB: (Russian accent) In Soviet Russia, you wear tuxedo!

ETHAN: That's not how his jokes went.

ROB: (American accent) Sorry if my impression of a mid-80s vodka
tycoon isn't good enough for you, you know?

KIMBERLY: Where's Ryan?

ETHAN: Yeah, where is Ryan?

JACOB: Well, Doctor Sherlocks, let's deduce this little mystery.
Ryan has tried to skip out of every family event since 2010,
where do you think he is?

ETHAN: That little shit. Someone call him!

JACOB: Why can't you call him?

ETHAN: Because he's not going to answer for me or your mother, so
it has to be one of you.

JACOB: My phone's dead.

ROB: And my phone has been broken for a couple months now.

KIMBERLY: Okay, then Madeline has to call him….Madeline, how
could you possibly be writing a text this long?!

MADELINE: I'm texting Oliver, mom!

KIMBERLY: Who's Oliver?

MADELINE: He's my new boyfriend.

KIMBERLY: Ooh, Maddie has a boyfriend, does she?

ETHAN: "Ooh, she has a boyfriend! Holy shit!" Can we dispense
with the beleaguering bullshit and just find Ryan?

MADELINE: Okay, let me just finish this text.

(They wait for a mind-numbing ten seconds. Cut to Ryan, Brennan,
Michael and Sarah in Michael's room with plates of turkey, corn
on the cob and ecstasy along with Mountain Dew and cough syrup on
the floor)

SARAH: C'mon, Michael!

MICHAEL: What?

RYAN: You know I don't like corn on the cob!

SARAH: No, I meant look at the ecstasy and cough syrup! Ryan's in
therapy, remember?

SCOTT: You probably haven't heard of this, but there's this web
comic about a struggling teacher who time travels to fifteenth
century France and sets up a laser tag. It's pretty obscure, but
it's much more than the globalized media can handle.

JACOB: It sounds awful. Don't you think there's a reason that
nobody knows what it is?

JACOB: So Ryan, tell me about Scott's addiction. What is he
addicted to besides hipster condescension?

RYAN: Jacob, do you really think Scott wants to discuss his
struggle with addiction to Adderall?

SCOTT: You pretty much just told him!

RYAN: True.

JACOB: Why Adderall?

SCOTT: Well…I wanted to concentrate better, and it turns out that
Adderall gives you a nice rush and lets you talk with people
easier, it's really fun, but now it's kind of ruined my life.

JACOB: It sounds fun.

RYAN: It ruined his life.

JACOB: But it SOUNDS fun.

SCOTT: Well, it was a good way to distract myself from my
parents.

MADELINE: What was wrong with your patents?

JACOB: Are you listening to him?

SCOTT: My dad was pretty verbally abusive while he was
unemployed. He would get drunk on Riesling

and yell at me for stupid, petty things, like not petting the cat
enough or petting the cat too much.

JACOB: Wow, that does suck. Didn't your dad try to hold my dad
against his will?

SCOTT: Yeah, he was pretty desperate then. But even now he takes
his stress and anger that he collects at work out on me. It's
pretty damn frustrating.

JACOB: Yeah, that sounds like it sucks.

BARBARA: Well, I talk him through it. Like a kindly vet nurturing
an otter back to health.

(They all chuckle. Cut to Ethan and Evan in the kitchen right
next to the oven, which is pre-heating)

EVAN: Okay, now we have to wait patiently for the oven to
pre-heat, so we don't put it in yet, understand, Ethan?

ETHAN: Yes Evan, I understand how pre-heating works.

EVAN: Good. You're making it in this business, Ethan. I could've
had a cooking show, you know.

ETHAN: Really?

EVAN: Yeah, but the Food Network hung up when I cold called them
out of nowhere to ask them about it.

ETHAN: Well, you'd probably be better than Guy Fieri.

EVAN: BAM!

ETHAN: That's Emeril.

EVAN: Yummers!

ETHAN: Okay.

EVAN: So Ethan, did you hear about Tim?

ETHAN: Uh, yeah. That was pretty awful.

EVAN: I know. Apparently he was threatening the Mayor.

ETHAN: Yeah, I read about that.

EVAN: It's awful.

ETHAN: Just awful.

EVAN: It's terrible.

ETHAN: Okay, I think we've reached the quota of mentions of how
terrible and awful something is before we get to the red meat of
the situation, wouldn't you say?

EVAN: Yeah, I think so. Were you indicted?

ETHAN: Yes, I was indicted.

EVAN: Have you been arrested yet?

ETHAN: No.

EVAN: Are you going to have them arrest you?

ETHAN: Well, I'm not going to volunteer, but if they must, I
won't resist.

EVAN: It's been like four days, hasn't it?

ETHAN: Yeah, well it's a pretty fucked situation. I hope your
enjoying that cushy new job by the way.

EVAN: Why are you pissed at me?

ETHAN: Me blacklisting you was the best thing I ever did for you,
Sarandon hired you out of spite, not because of your
qualifications!

EVAN: Hey, let's not reignite the flames of war, shall we?

ETHAN: Shall we reignite or shall we not reignite?

EVAN: We shall.

ETHAN: Not reignite.

EVAN: Exactly.

ETHAN: Okay, sorry.

EVAN: That's better. Now let's enjoy a nice turkey dinner.

ETHAN: Has the oven finished pre-heating?

EVAN: Feel the inside of the oven and then you'll know, my aunt
taught me that, high five!

(Evan lifts his hand up to reveal a severe burn scar)

ETHAN: Ah!

(Cut to Kimberly and Ellen watching football in the living room)

ELLEN: Ugh, your husband's right the Lions-Texans game is boring.

KIMBERLY: Yeah, let's turn it.

(Kimberly changes channels and the TV displays The History
Channel showing pictures of the Wright Brothers)

VOICEOVER: For years, people said that it would be impossible to
make something heavier than air fly. So the Wright Brothers
thought what if something was lighter than air? Like aliens?
(They show pictures of aliens) This is the History Channel.

(Kimberly changes it to another channel to see a Pepperidge Farm
commercial with and old man at a table with some Pepperidge Farm
raisin bread in hand)

PEPPERIDGE FARM GUY: Remember when you saw the first of these
commercials in the early 80s and went out and bought yourself a
ton of Pepperidge Farm bread so you could use it for years to
come? Pepperidge Farm remembers. Pepperidge Farm also decays. I
mean, it goes bad after a while.

KIMBERLY: Oh my God, nothing's on.

ELLEN: Not even my husband's cooking show.

KIMBERLY: Your husband had a cooking show?

ELLEN: No, but it's always been a dream of his.

KIMBERLY: Well, that's nice. Dreams are good. Is he a good cook?

ELLEN: Yes, very good. We met at Olive Gordon; he was a busboy
who spilled a drink on me, way back in 1993. Then, he
intentionally spilled butter on me and whispered "you're better
with butter" into my ear.

KIMBERLY: Wow, kind of creepy.

ELLEN: Regardless, we went on a couple dates where he would take
me to his apartment in Montpelier and cook me some of the finest
food I had ever dined on. We would watch Entertainment Tonight
and talk shit about the people on it. Plus, we would file
complaints about the other people who lived in the apartment for
things like leaving their shoes near their door or playing their
grunge music too loud while staying up all night playing Atari
Live. It was the 90s, you know?

KIMBERLY: I don't think the equivalent of XBOX Live in those days
was Atari Live.

ELLEN: Well, we had really good times. We fell in love with
private residential government from then on and we both put our
other dreams on hold. Now he's in actual politics working for
Mayor Sarandon, I'm still the grand papaw of the HOA and I have
remained faithful to Evan as long as we've been married.

KIMBERLY: Um…who do you think you're talking to?

ELLEN: …What? Oh, the milkman? Yeah, I guess that counts as not
being faithful.

KIMBERLY: Yeah.

ELLEN: Well that was back when Evan was unemployed. Trust me,
unemployed Evan is an Evan you don't want to be around. It's like
being around an unemployed Abraham Lincoln. If he's not going to
hold the Union together, what is he going to do?

KIMBERLY: I don't think Lincoln lost his job voluntarily.

ELLEN: Well, I'm just glad he has a job now. Although he's pretty
sad that a co-worker of his was shot by the Mayor.

KIMBERLY: Yeah, well the Mayor had a right to defend himself.

ELLEN: That's true. It's just too bad it ended up like that. How
did Ethan find out?

KIMBERLY: I think he read it in the newspaper.

(Cut to Ethan and Evan in the kitchen. Evan whipping mash
potatoes while Ethan is overhearing Kimberly and Ellen talking)

KIMBERLY: (Distant, faint) I think he read it in the newspaper.

(Ethan closes his eyes. Cut back to the kids in Scott's room)

JACOB: This house is so different from ours, you know?

RYAN: Yeah, Jacob, it's a different house.

JACOB: No, I mean like, your back door is near the back of the
house, our back door is at the side.

SCOTT: Then it's not a back door.

BARBARA: Scott, he was just kidding.

SCOTT: Were you?

JACOB: …Yeah.

SCOTT: Oh okay.

(Jacob smiles at Barbara, Barbara giggles. Madeline looks up from
her phone)

MADELINE: Here's a question, Ryan. Why do you go to such inhuman
lengths to avoid spending time with mom, dad, Jacob and I?

JACOB: Yeah, the fuck?

RYAN: It's not you guys, trust me on that, it's just…dad. I don't
know what's with him, he's a fucking two face, it's like, he
calls me a faggot on a daily basis for the last two and a half
years, but every time I'm in danger or his parental obligation
requires it, he suddenly loves me so much! It's like, I
don't want to deal with him constantly keeping my personality in
check and I don't want to deal with interfamilial situations,
they're just awkward, you know? I'd rather be with people who
understand and accept me.

MADELINE: We understand and accept you, Ryan.

RYAN: Madeline, you always told me to fuck myself when I went to
your room demanding help, Jacob you betrayed me and went after
Brennan-

SCOTT: Your whole world is darkness? That's a weird way of
telling us you're depressed.

(Ryan puts away his phone)

MADELINE: Well, Ryan, I'm sorry I ignored your cries for help.

JACOB: Yeah, and we already resolved our dispute two months ago.

RYAN: You can't apologize again?

JACOB: Hey, you're only getting the one apology!

RYAN: Whatever.

SCOTT: Hey, do you guys want to see my drum set?

RYAN: Sure.

JACOB: Yeah.

MADELINE: Uh-huh.

(They all get up. Cut to Evan and Ethan in the kitchen making
salads)

EVAN: All the ingredients in the bowl get along together very
nicely, the lettuce, the tomatoes, the rum.

ETHAN: You put Rum in the salad?

EVAN: I'm going to get obliterated on salad tonight.

ETHAN: Well, the ingredients get along better than the Israelis
and the Palestinians.

EVAN: Didn't the US Negotitate a cease-fire effective 2PM
yesterday?

ETHAN: Yeah, well it should've been 1:59 PM yesterday.

EVAN: Isn't it fun not giving the Obama administration credit for
anything?

ETHAN: It is.

(Cut to the kidswalking into the Alexander garage to see Scott's
drum set)

RYAN: Nice!

MADELINE: Awesome!

JACOB: This is a really cool drum set.

SCOTT: Yeah, my dad bought this for my mom so she could exercise
her arms, but she never used it.

RYAN: I don't think a drum set is considered an exercise machine.

SCOTT: Yeah, it's weird; my dad buys exercise machines for my mom
just so he can get mad at her for not using them, even when
they're not exercise machines.

RYAN: That's insane.

SCOTT: Let me play a little.

(Scott sits down on his stool behind the drum set and does an
impressive minute-long drum rift, ending with uproarious
applause)

RYAN: Wow that was good.

SCOTT: Thanks, I had a band at one point called "Asthmatic
Governor" but we split over creative differences.

RYAN: Was the creative difference that terrible name?

SCOTT: No, it was the fact they didn't want to be in the band.

JACOB: So when they do the Behind the Music special on "Asthmatic
Governor" and they do the weird inverted filter thing, it'll be
pretty anticlimactic.

(Barbara, Ryan, Scott, Madeline and Jacob laugh)

SCOTT: Yeah, I guess.

BARBARA: Good one.

JACOB: Thank you.

RYAN: You know, I don't want to say anything, but I've written a
couple songs or two, and I would love to see if we could maybe
pair them with music and see if I can sing them. I remember when
I was in Iraq and Michelle heard me sing, it was pretty good,
right Michelle?

JACOB: She's not here, man.

SCOTT: Well, do you think our tastes in music are similar?

RYAN: They're close enough, hipsters are just as hated as emos
and we'll bond over that.

ETHAN: I wasn't taking credit, I was just telling them that it
was served.

EVAN: And I was just saying that it was my doing!

ETHAN: How are you this neurotic?

(All the kids walk inside. Cut to everyone at the table. Evan is
at the head of the table. There is turkey, mashed potatoes,
ground meat on spinach, bacon-crusted rolls and Twinkies in the
middle of the table)

EVAN: As you can see, I paid close attention to detail and even
put Twinkies in the middle of the table for dessert, seeing as
how this might be our last chance to eat them.

ETHAN: Obama gets re-elected and Hostess goes out of business! Of
course!

KIMBERLY: Or maybe Hostess actually isn't the stuff.

(They all chuckle except Ethan)

ETHAN: Twinkie the kid was my icon growing up. Along with Billy
the KIX, the guy who advertised KIX cereal.

KIMBERLY: I don't remember Billy the KIX.

ETHAN: Yeah, he would be like, "This cereal ain't big enough for
the two of us" or "Meet me at the OKIX Corral" or "To hell with
the other cereals. Buzzards gotta eat KIX, same as worms" or
"meet me at KIXback Mountain".

KIMBERLY: So KIX used Western movie puns to promote their cereal,
along with a reference to a movie about gay cowboys?

ETHAN: I could've sworn they did.

EVAN: Well, in the rest of our feast today, we have the classics.
Tryptophan wrapped in turkey, bacon-crusted rolls and some ground
meat on spinach.

ELLEN: Well, this all looks wonderful. You know, I just noticed
that all three of our names are very similar. Evan, Ellen and
Ethan! Huh.

EVAN: Um…okay, let's eat!

ETHAN: Wait, don't we have to pray?

EVAN: Oh right, God. Almost forgot about him.

(They all join hands and aim their heads downward except for
Ryan, who just sits there)

ETHAN: Dear Lord, in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy
Ghost, we thank you for the bounty we are about to receive. We
realize that many in the world do not have access to such
plentiful amounts of food, which is why we donate all our money
to Sarah McLaughlin and the adorable African children, with their
puppy dog eyes, and bodies, that she helps out every single day.
Bless this room. Bless this home. Bless the architectural
integrity of these walls. Bless this neighborhood for its
hospitality, despite the differences that sometimes arise between
two families living in it. Bless the city of Hansbay, the state
of Vermont and God Bless the United States of America!

(They open their eyes and lift their heads)

EVAN: Alright, thank you Ethan.

ETHAN: You are welcome.

EVAN: Let's eat!

JACOB: Wait, what about saying what we're thankful for?

EVAN: YES. THANK YOU JACOB.

JACOB: You're welcome?

EVAN: I'll start. I am thankful for my wonderful wife and my
wonderful son. I am thankful for having a job after experiencing
the unbarability of my unemployment.

ETHAN: Um, I am grateful for the Lord Jesus Christ, may He be
forever interned in our souls. Also, I'm thankful for black
Friday starting today. But most of all, I'm thankful for my
beautiful wife Kimberly. (They smile at each other and grips
hands) I'm grateful for my three fantastic kids, Jacob, Madeline
and Ryan. (Ryan chuckles) Um, okay and I'm thankful for the
clothes on my back, the shoes on my feet, the roof over my head
and the floorboards under my feet and the dead dinosaurs even
further under my feet that we use to power my car every day.
Kimberly?

KIMBERLY: I, am of course grateful for my exemplary husband Ethan
and for our three kids. They may get into trouble sometimes, but
I love all three of them with all my heart. Jacob, who is a
wonderfully caring young man with a bright future. (She holds
back tears and Ethan puts his hand on her shoulder and Jacob also
holds back tears) Ryan, who despite his struggles is a gifted
poet and writer and just a good-natured soul. (Ryan smiles and
holds back tears as well) Madeline, who approaches every day with
a positivity I admire and is out there in Rhode Island pursuing
her interior decorating dreams, (Madeline smiles and holds back
tears) it's just-(sniff) extremely impressive and I love her.
(Sniff) And then Ethan, who has always been very supportive of me
and my business which I started with Rob, another very impressive
person, and I believe that he has a very good heart and wishes no
ill will on anybody and I think he tries as best he can to apply
the teachings of Jesus in his life. (Ethan holds back tears and
chokes up as well) Thank you. All of you.

(Madeline starts crying)

MADELINE: I'M SORRY I PUSHED YOU AWAY, RYAN! I REALLY AM!

(Ryan starts crying)

RYAN: I'M SORRY I'VE BEEN SUCH A DEADBEAT SON! I'M SORRY I'VE
CAUSED THIS FAMILY SO MANY PROBLEMS!

JACOB: I'M SORRY I BETRAYED YOU RYAN! I'VE SAID IT BEFORE AND
I'LL SAY IT AGAIN!

(Kimberly starts crying)

KIMBERLY: I'M SORRY I CHEATED ON YOU AND THEN EXPECTED YOU TO
BECOME REAQUAINTED WITH ME, THAT WAS UNFAIR OF ME!

RYAN: Wait, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED?!

ETHAN: I'M SORRY FOR ALL THAT I DID TO PUT YOU ALL IN THIS
POSITION TO BEGIN WITH!

ROB: Family. You can't live with them, you can't live without
them.

(The crying calms down as Ellen, Scott and Evan sit in shock)

KIMBERLY: Wait…what do you mean?

ETHAN: Um…I have some news. I was kind of indicted a few days
ago.

RYAN: What?!

ETHAN: Yeah.

KIMBERLY: Oh my God, Ethan, you were indicted?

ETHAN: Yes. And I hope this doesn't make our guests
uncomfortable.

EVAN: You are our guests.

ETHAN: Well, the guest's always right.

EVAN: That's the customer.

ETHAN: Can I help you?

EVAN: I live here!

ETHAN: Listen, I am in big trouble. They're charging me with
bribery, extortion and misuse of public funds. If they can prove
those things and convict me for them, then there's pretty hefty
jail time. However, I will fight the allegations tooth to nail
for this family.

RYAN: But you're guilty, aren't you?

ETHAN: Yes, but looks can be deceiving.

RYAN: I'm not basing this on looks, I'm basing it on the fact
that you just admitted you're guilty!

JACOB: Dad, you can't go to jail! We need you!

ETHAN: I know. I'm so sorry I got us into this position. If I
avoid jail time, I'll never do anything like this ever again, not
even if hip teens from a 1950s PSA urge me to do it.

KIMBERLY: Well, what if you do go to prison?

ETHAN: Then Jacob will have to be the man of the house for a
while. Until he graduates and then Rob will have to be the man of
the house for a while.

ROB: How do you know I'm still going to live here when Jacob
graduates?

ETHAN: Trust me, I know. But this is all just worst-case scenario
talk. I have a good lawyer; I can get out of this.

KIMBERLY: I can't believe this. How would you survive in prison?

ETHAN: It'd be a white collar prison; I'd be in a chain gang with
Bernie Madoff, Jeffrey Skilling and Rod Blagojevich.

KIMBERLY: What about providing for us?

ETHAN: Jacob would have to get a job and Kimberly you would
probably have to put your business on hold so you could get a pay
check.

KIMBERLY: Oh my God…

ETHAN: If we have to, you guys can smuggled in cigarettes and
drugs during visitation, and I'll sell them to inmates, then
smuggled the money back out to you to help you guys pay for daily
expenses.

KIMBERLY: Well, don't do business with Madoff of Blagojevich if
you're doing that-why am I entertaining

this scenario?! Also, how are you so calm about this?!

ETHAN: Kimberly, I'm fuckin' freaking out on the inside but
that's not going to help the situation. I need to remain calm for
the good of all of you. Kimberly, when I called you the other day
and told you about Timothy, I wasn't being entirely truthful. I
was there when the Mayor shot Tim, I saw it happen.

JACOB: Jesus.

ETHAN: Yes. This is a very tense time for all of us and we need
to remember to stick together. We need to remember to be thankful
for what we have. And that means spending time with your family,
Ryan.

(Ryan nods)

RYAN: Does it also mean not calling your son a faggot?

ETHAN: Ryan, you know I was just "tripping'" or whatever you kids
call it. I'm messing around.

RYAN: Come on dad, sometimes you're serious.

ETHAN: Maybe when I'm tired, or…awake.

RYAN: Yeah.

ETHAN: Fine, you're right. But Madeline, it also means paying
attention to your family and not your phone. (Madeline nods) And
Jacob, for you, that means-

(A knock on the door is heard)

EVAN: Who the hell is knocking at this time?

(Evan gets up and walks to the door and opens it to see Vermont
State Police along with James P. Mongeon, the Vermont State's
Attorney)

JAMES P. MONGEON: Is Mr. Ethan Donahue in this household?

EVAN: Did you just call me an asshole?

JAMES P. MONGEON: What? No, I said household, wow "household" and
"asshole" do sound similar now that I think about it.

EVAN: I am offended by your language. Bye. (Evan slams the door
and locks it) The Vermont State Police are here and they look
PISSED.

ROB: Ethan, what'd you do to the Vermont State Police?

ETHAN: You just don't get it, do you?

KIMBERLY: Ethan, we need to hide you in a cake or something.

ETHAN: No, that's where the cigarettes are going to go if I go to
jail. Listen, why should I hide? To delay the inevitable? I'll
just go peacefully.

(Evan opens the door to see the Vermont State Police and the
State's Attorney)

EVAN: Wow, you guys didn't move a muscle, did you?

JAMES P. MONGEON: No we did not.

EVAN: Come in.

(Mongeon and the Vermont State police walk in while Ethan kisses
Kimberly, and then hugs all his kids. He then shakes Rob's hand
and walks over to Mongeon)

JAMES P. MONGEON: I'm James P. Mongeon from the Vermont State's
Attorney's Office.

VERMONT STATE POLICE OFFICER: Mr. Donahue, you're under arrest
for bribery, extortion and misuse of public funds. (The police
officer puts Ethan in handcuffs) You have the right to remain
silent. Anything you say or do can and will be used against you
in the court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you
cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed to you by the
state. Do you understand these rights as I have read them to you?

ETHAN: Could you repeat that, officer?

VERMONT STATE POLICE OFFICER: Wow, haven't heard that one before.

(Ethan is hauled off by the officers as James Mongeon also walks
away)

SCOTT: Maybe like a law of the crab lands? Like when Crabs make
laws in their little crab societies?

RYAN: Okay, it's definitely not that.

KIMBERLY: Ugh, you guys are right this is pretty hard to keep up.
Should we just eat?

ELLEN: I think so. We should get a full stomach and then just
talk about the long road forward.

EVAN: Fucking finally, let's eat!

(They all start eating. Cut to Ethan in a jail cell across from
some guy)

ETHAN: What are you in here for? As the classic question goes.

GUY: I tried to break into Toys R Us before black Friday even
started.

ETHAN: Damn.

GUY: I figured I gotta get my tramplin' done early.

(A cop walks over)

COP: Hey doucheweed, your bail's been posted.

ETHAN: Well, halleluiah!

(Ethan gets up as the cop unlocks the prison cell and Ethan exits
it, and then the cops locks it again. Ethan walks to the front of
the police station to see his family and Rob waiting there. They
all hug and then walk out of the police station as "Where Will We
Go" by IAMDYNAMITE plays. Cut to Ethan speaking with an attorney
in a board room looking extremely stressed. Mayor Sarandon comes
in late and Ethan and Mayor Sarandon shake hands and sit down.
Cut to Ryan sitting on his bed with his head in his hands. He
looks over to his bedside table to see razor blades, a
mini-bottle of Schnapps and his bottle of Prozac. He takes the
Prozac, opens the bottle and takes the Prozac with a swig of
Schnapps. Cut to the whole family talking in the living room with
a couple of tissue boxes in the room, it appears very emotional.
Cut to Kimberly trying to calculate living expenses on her
laptop, then becoming overwhelmed, sipping a 7-Up and putting her
head down. Cut to Jacob looking through the online classifieds
looking for any potential professions. He then switches to
Facebook and sends Barbara a message reading "Hey" and then
patiently waiting for a response. Cut to Ryan and Delaware on
Skype with Scott, Delaware plays a guitar riff and Scott seems
impressed. Then cut to Madeline talking to Ethan in the kitchen.
She gets a text, but chooses to ignore it. Then back to all of
them in the living room, talking as the song ends)

JACOB: Hey dad, what were you going to tell me before I got
arrested?

ETHAN: What? Oh, I was going to tell you not to go after Barbara,
she's not into you.