Sunday, April 29, 2007

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers...Heather Mills, Sanjaya and Rosie all got the boot. Thank God we still have Simon and Trump to hate...

California has lost 22% of its teachers over the past four years. Those student abstinence classes must really be working after all.

A Wisconsin man chased a burglar for ten minutes before police were able to catch the suspect. People were amazed. Two Americans can run ten minutes?

Rudy Giuliani says democrats are moving toward socialized medicine so fast it will make your head spin. Which could cause a dizzy spell that is only recommended for those who have health insurance.

New Jersey Governor John Corzine says he will pay his own medical bills from a car accident that caused serious injuries. He won't use the state's health insurance. He's afraid what might happen if they put him in a New Jersey HMO.

His spokesperson says he will pay for everything from the "helicopter to the cheeseburgers and shakes". Cheeseburgers and shakes following a serious car wreck? Where's he going, to a Wal-Mart medical clinic?

Hillary Clinton says the country is ready for a multilingual president. At this point, I think the country is ready for a president who even speaks English.

U.S. Intelligence says Iran may have a nuclear bomb by 2009. The biggest threat is that they will drop the bomb on another country and make it look like...Iran.

The latest Harris Interactive Poll says that President Bush's approval rating is down to 28%. It's so bad, President Bush even got a sympathy note from Sanjaya.

President Bush's approval rating is down to 28%. You'd get more of a response by asking how many Americans exercise and eat right.

A new Nebraska execution method is being attacked as cruel. Instead of several smaller jolts of electricity, there will be one large sustained shock. Apparently there was a short in the cord to the outlet plug that they finally fixed.

The inmates on death row would prefer the smaller jolts. Preferably in the form of several nine volt batteries attached around their body over a series of years.

Former head of the Motion Picture Association of America Jack Valenti has died. His funeral is scheduled for 4:15, 7:30 and 9:45.

Democrats say the U.S. has lost its global standing because of President Bush. Taking on Heather Mills for "Dancing With The Stars" hasn't helped us as far as England is concerned, either.

Several groups including congress and the U.N. say that global warming is a threat to security. Those who disagree say that global warming is making it harder for terrorists to hide bombs because they can't stand to wear heavy coats in all the heat.

Airport security agents say shoe bombers are easier to detect because of global warming because terrorists have switched over to sandals because of the heat.

Randall Tobias, Director of U.S. Foreign Assistance has resigned after admitting he used a call girl service that sent over Central American girls. So apparently "foreign assistance" was the name of the service he received.

School districts across the country are banning i-Pods in class because students are using them to cheat on tests. We need to get back to the old days when kids had to write crib notes on their hands and arms to cheat.

A 4.3 magnitude earthquake struck southern England. It shook so hard, Prince Charles actually ended up on top of Camilla in bed.

Chevron profits for the year are already up 18%. The company's value is so high, people are now taking their stock certificates to the gas station to trade for a fill up.

Vice President Cheney's medical staff is worried. When oil profits go up, so does his heart rate.

Chevron profits are up 18%. This prompted stockholders to ask why not charge $5 a gallon?

Nevada is reviewing a bill that would allow doctors to issue an apology to patients that couldn't be used in court. Or they can just drop off a Hallmark card in the casket during the final viewing.

Goodyear is going to scale back tire production. The problem is that tires don't get too much wear and tear put on them with gas at $3 a gallon.

General Motors Chairman Rick Wagoner made nearly ten million dollars in compensation in 2006. People wonder how he keeps the company's head above water. It's mostly because they are standing on Ford's shoulders.

Iran will start to filter immoral messages and videos sent over mobile phones. Electronic equipment that has the capability to do so is labeled "High-Infidel".

The "Father of the PlayStation", Ken Kutaragi is about to retire from SONY. He will spend the rest of his life wondering why children are so fat and have the attention span of a gnat.

An Indian court has ordered Richard Gere be arrested for an "obscene kiss" he planted on a Bollywood actress. They also ordered Tom Cruise be arrested just because he is so freaky weird.

Danny Baldwin has been cleared of car theft. Apparently it was another car with a "Domino's" sticker on it that had been stolen.

Nicholas Cage's new movie will be called "Next", about a man who can see two minutes into the future. Like how women know when they start to have sex with a man, that in two minutes he will be asleep.

A study is being done on the benefits and the risks of obesity surgery for teenagers. Remember the old days when teens only had surgery for nose and boob jobs?

The Chinese Education Ministry may require college university applicants to be physically fit. That wouldn't work here. When U.S. professors talk about a well rounded student, it's their body shape.

The NFL will conduct neurological tests to determine a player's susceptibility to concussions. Players will be categorized as "Low Risk", "High Risk" and "Terry Bradshaw".

Scientists have discovered an earth like planet 120 trillion miles away. The best part is that it is orbiting a smaller, dimmer sun so there is no global warming. There is already a movement to send Al Gore there.

The planet is twenty light years away from earth. That means they are just getting to watch "Murder, She Wrote" and "Golden Girls". The inhabitants will think we are a society of old women.

The inhabitants of the planet are watching 1987 broadcasts of "60 Minutes". Which makes them think that besides old women, we also have one really old guy.

Tony Stewart says NASCAR is run like pro wrestling. In fact, instead of punching people, he is going to start hitting them with a folding chair.

Tony Stewart says NASCAR is being run like pro wrestling. Well, you have to play to your audience.

A Michigan woman was rescued after being partially submerged in a pond in her SUV. She was driving a Suburban. She managed to survive the ordeal by finding an air pocket between the kitchen and den.

Philadelphia is shutting down all psychics, astrologers and tarot card readers. How hard is it to predict the future in Philadelphia? "The Eagles won't win the Super Bowl and the Phillies will finish in the cellar."

The TSA is offering free self defense classes to flight attendants and pilots, but only 1% have taken part in the training. Flight attendants already immobilize all passengers with the drink cart, and pilots know they can hit any attackers with bottles from the cockpit liquor cabinet.

A woman student at Millersville University was denied a teaching degree because of a picture on her myspace site showing her at a costume party being labeled as a "drunken pirate". Isn't the "Drunken Pirates" the nickname of Millersville University?

A 95 year old Kansas woman is about to become the oldest college graduate ever. She's looking forward to getting her college loans paid off by the time she is 124.

The woman's degree is in general studies and history. Isn't that an unfair advantage. She's lived through most of it.

The woman has more years than credits. The tricky part is what to put on her resume. Employers are probably going to ask what she's been doing the past 75 years.

Brazil is planning to split up its environmental protection agency. Or as President Bush calls it, progressive government.

A survey shows that blacks are facing a housing bias when trying to rent in New Orleans. This is just another sign that things are getting back to normal following Hurricane Katrina.

The Hip Hop Summit Action Network has identified three words that shouldn't be used on the airwaves. Two of those words are "Don" and "Imus".

Helen Walton, recently deceased widow of Wal-Mart founder Sam Walton left a significant portion of her estate to charity. Mostly to take care of underpaid and under-insured Wal-Mart employees.

A study says the illiteracy rate is increasing in China. With more Chinese also being reported as obese, they are achieving their goal of being more like the U.S. every day.

A Michigan man was arrested for car theft after his DNA was found on a partially eaten cinnamon roll. Criminologists were amazed. Someone didn't finish a cinnamon roll?

Former U.S. Senator Carol MoselyBraun was injured in a mugging. To which the public said "Now you know what it's like."

A majority of Americans say they would like Osama bin Laden executed if he is captured. In the meantime, riding around Afghanistan on a donkey with a dialysis machine will have to do.

A report says Shiite militants have set up a get-Harry squad if Prince Harry is deployed to Iraq. Plots range from spoiling his favorite caviar to serving him red wine with fish.

Great Britain is on track for the warmest April in 350 years. Apparently there was even one day where it didn't rain.

It was so hot that several people were taken to local emergency rooms where they were treated for a tan.

A six nation poll says the French are disliked more by themselves than by the other countries. The other nations immediately demanded a recount.

A Michigan woman graduated college after one year. State education officials were amazed. They couldn't believe someone from Michigan could actually graduate college.

The woman feels she may have missed out on the college lifestyle. So for the next three years she will get drunk every day and missing class.

Pennsylvania Senator Robert Casey wants to impose a windfall profits tax on oil companies. In a related story, his opponent in the next election has announced already stockpiling a campaign war chest of $30 billion.

Oil lobbyists have told Senator Casey to look at what happened to the political career of the last person who took on Big Oil. Jimmy Carter.

Jet Blue's revenue losses have narrowed in the past couple of months. Apparently they turned things around by finally letting some of the passengers off the planes and starting to fly again.

AT&T CEO Edward Whitacre is retiring with a $160 million payoff. The new CEO says the big payoff should not cause any disruption in service to either AT&T customer.

Mattel is starting up a Barbie website. Some of the features will include made up characters, a cybermall and virtual predators.

The site is expected to attract a wide range of users, from ten year old girls to 44 year old perverts.

Toyota was the top car maker in the first quarter of 2007. Actually Ford made more cars. They just didn't sell any.

General Motors claims they are prepared for more repeat customers, since Toyota vehicles seem to last a lot longer.

A Ford executive says April sales were terrible for the auto giant. They were so bad, they looked like almost every other month.

General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner says his company will "fight for every sale" to pass Toyota and become number one again. Apparently threatening violence is the new strategy to sell American cars.

Las Vegas is reportedly the top city for car thefts. At least that's what people tell their friends and family when they come back home on a Greyhound Bus.

A study says the gender pay gap begins one year after college. Mostly because that's when college graduates get their first job.

Research shows that Baby Boomers are going bankrupt faster than the general population. The reasons are mortgage debt, health care expenses, and being over fifty now means losing your job.

Delta Airlines is ready to leave bankruptcy protection after twenty months. Does this mean we get free peanuts again?

Major League pitcher Curt Schilling is refuting rumors that the blood stained sock from his World Series performance is actually stained with paint. In a related story, Barry Bonds says the blood on his boxers was not from a steroid injection needle.

Golfing great Byron Nelson will receive the Congressional Medal of Honor posthumously. I didn't even know he had a part in starting the war in Iraq.

Michael Jordan's son Jeffrey will attend the University of Illinois and try to play basketball as a walk-on. The coach says he is an excellent student and will be a great fit in the organization. In other words, he has no chance.

I don't care if the kid can't dribble a ball and chew gum. For the chance to get Michael Jordan to hang around the team for awhile I'd sign his dog.

Heather Mills was kicked off "Dancing With The Stars". She claimed she was sabotaged. Apparently someone switched her prothstetic leg and she really did have two left feet.

Al Gore hosted the opening of the Tribeca Film Festival. He warned the audience about the dangers of global warming, and that there wasn't enough butter on the popcorn.

A study shows that more than a billion people are overweight, with more than 300 million obese. No wonder there's global warming. The earth is working extra hard just to keep spinning.

A survey says that people with below average IQ scores are just as wealthy as the most intelligent people. That finally explains Donald Trump.

New mobile phones are able to detect motion, and will allow the user to play games like with a Wii. That means you may catch a forehand with a cellphone just walking down the street.

Our writing standards may be going downhill, but we are raising a generation with incredibly strong thumbs.

The NCAA is banning text messaging from coaches to recruits. The coaches wanted it that way since it takes at least five hours for them to send each message.

The three Phoenix area bowl games brought in an estimated $400 million to the local economy. Mostly at strip clubs and bail bond companies.

CBS won't air a John Daly commercial for Maxfli because it implies excessive drinking and "hazardous activity". That's pretty much implied just by having John Daly as a spokesman.

Wimbledon will be the richest tennis tournament in history, with a $22 million purse. The men and women will share the top prize of $1.4 million for the first time. That will officially put an end to the "grass ceiling".

A chain of German supermarkets will become senior friendly. That means each checker will have to listen to every story about each grandchild from each customer while they fumble for coupons while trying to write a check.

A survey says that 44% of U.S. workers claim they are bullied by the boss. The other 56% were fired for taking the survey while at work.

Republican Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee says Americans should eat less and exercise more. Otherwise known as the republican answer to universal health care.

Paul McCartney is listed as the third richest musical figure in Britain. Moving up to number two on the list is Heather Mills.

Hugh Grant is being accused of attacking a photographer with a tub of baked beans. That's not the kind of publicity that will land any lead roles in an action film.

Caution is urged for people buying breast milk online because of scams. How lazy are we getting that we have to buy breast milk? "I can't hold the baby and the cell phone at the same time!"

Research shows that Hawaii has the longest life expectancy of all states at 80 years. Florida's life expectancy is 77.5 years. Or is that the average age of people who move to the state?

North Dakota's life expectancy is 78.3 years. It's really 52 years, but it just seems longer because your in North Dakota.

That's it for now, Oh Faithful Readers...Remember, the average life expectancy for readers of this blog is 95 years. Or is that how long you have to wait for a decent joke? Maybe it's how long I have to wait to finally be sent the love...