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Everything posted by Aqilless

I'm scared right now, but my hands are also trembling with excitement. My finals are coming, and with it the semester break too. So I've been studying Electrical Engineering for the past 3 semesters, 2 more before I get my diploma. I left secondary school without much of direction other than an offer to a Uni, and I'm glad I took it. It got me some fresh air, a start in another state. While I wanted fresh air, I'm too used of living in the past. It burned onto me, the regrets I've had. So much for moving on, the voices are spitting fire, roasting me. My soul; the flame in my chest grew uncontrollably and have been engulfing everything around me. To handle the guilt, I've been succumbing to my less emphatic side I used to dominantly have. I've been having twisted sense of morality, to say the least. My performance in studies haven't been the best too.
However, all is not lost. While the flames seem to be a force of destruction, they actually herald change, and change isn't necessarily bad. The King of Birds, Phoenix is an example. The flames it had symbolises its ability to change, rebirth. From the ashes of the previous life, another Phoenix rises. If you ask me, I'd like to rise again. An opportunity... well two new opportunities were presented before me over the experience I have been studying here. I got three options though, and the first is to continue with engineering. I don't hate it, but let's just say my love for it wasn't as strong as before. A lot happened last year and I've been struggling to keep up, I'm being a burden in the field I respected. I'm still having this option open because I believe in coming back, but dear Lord I'm just tired these days. The second opportunity came from a senior who has a very enviable performance. He led a double life as both a ghost writer and university student. He told me I could still have this dream, I could still write. I've been keeping close watch to the business now, but it's quite the gamble. I dream of writing literature materials for my country's Secondary level English study, as none of the local material made it into our textbooks. I wanted to represent the people, but competition with known Singaporean and Hong Kong's work seem to be a problem. I think that will change one day, one of us will be able to represent all of us. It might not be me, but I'll still write. That brings us to the third opportunity, MUET. It is an English test for University level that'll have its own certificate. There's 6 level of grades, with Band 6 to be the highest. I finally could go home again recently, and was able to talk with my father about my current standing with my studies.I haven't been happy anymore, and he knows it. So we came to an agreement, I could choose to either continue studying engineering for my degree or move to Taking English as a Second Language (TESL). To do so, I'll have to score at least Band 4. Scoring isn't an issue though, what comes after might be. I'll jump into something new again, this time at the capital. Students over at capital don't have the best reputation if I may be direct. Then there's job opportunities, I'll have to scrap almost all of the companies I've been watching. English might be a global language, but landing a job with just it might prove difficult. I could apply to teach, but my personality that's rather unattractive proved me wrong last time I did. So I'm considering taking a third language too, just so I could work on fields like translations. So yeah, I finally am looking forward. I just don't know what I could do right now.

I'm scared right now, but my hands are also trembling with excitement. My finals are coming, and with it the semester break too. So I've been studying Electrical Engineering for the past 3 semesters, 2 more before I get my diploma. I left secondary school without much of direction other than an offer to a Uni, and I'm glad I took it. It got me some fresh air, a start in another state. While I wanted fresh air, I'm too used of living in the past. It burned onto me, the regrets I've had. So much for moving on, the voices are spitting fire, roasting me. My soul; the flame in my chest grew uncontrollably and have been engulfing everything around me. To handle the guilt, I've been succumbing to my less emphatic side I used to dominantly have. I've been having twisted sense of morality, to say the least. My performance in studies haven't been the best too.
However, all is not lost. While the flames seem to be a force of destruction, they actually herald change, and change isn't necessarily bad. The King of Birds, Phoenix is an example. The flames it had symbolises its ability to change, rebirth. From the ashes of the previous life, another Phoenix rises. If you ask me, I'd like to rise again. An opportunity... well two new opportunities were presented before me over the experience I have been studying here. I got three options though, and the first is to continue with engineering. I don't hate it, but let's just say my love for it wasn't as strong as before. A lot happened last year and I've been struggling to keep up, I'm being a burden in the field I respected. I'm still having this option open because I believe in coming back, but dear Lord I'm just tired these days. The second opportunity came from a senior who has a very enviable performance. He led a double life as both a ghost writer and university student. He told me I could still have this dream, I could still write. I've been keeping close watch to the business now, but it's quite the gamble. I dream of writing literature materials for my country's Secondary level English study, as none of the local material made it into our textbooks. I wanted to represent the people, but competition with known Singaporean and Hong Kong's work seem to be a problem. I think that will change one day, one of us will be able to represent all of us. It might not be me, but I'll still write. That brings us to the third opportunity, MUET. It is an English test for University level that'll have its own certificate. There's 6 level of grades, with Band 6 to be the highest. I finally could go home again recently, and was able to talk with my father about my current standing with my studies.I haven't been happy anymore, and he knows it. So we came to an agreement, I could choose to either continue studying engineering for my degree or move to Taking English as a Second Language (TESL). To do so, I'll have to score at least Band 4. Scoring isn't an issue though, what comes after might be. I'll jump into something new again, this time at the capital. Students over at capital don't have the best reputation if I may be direct. Then there's job opportunities, I'll have to scrap almost all of the companies I've been watching. English might be a global language, but landing a job with just it might prove difficult. I could apply to teach, but my personality that's rather unattractive proved me wrong last time I did. So I'm considering taking a third language too, just so I could work on fields like translations. So yeah, I finally am looking forward. I just don't know what I could do right now.

All of my life I've been bowing, showing respect to the others. I looked at them with respect, faith in their capabilities. Recently though, I've come to an epiphany... people put their faith differently. This is basically a follow up on the trust issue, bearing sad news.I'll be lying if I say I wasn't disappointed, well working in the shadows paid differently than expected. No, I've been expecting this... I just brushed it off as nothing. I've been basically cut off from them, right after I gave them the list of people close to her. I had to do the investigation alone, because right now they needed me to be guilty. So yeah, no word from them anymore. The investigation isn't going well for me too, so I had to just move on. Let's see who they'll actually find, if they actually cared to find the real culprit.
I'm not really worried about myself being forgotten anymore. Well it sucks but I'm more worried about their relapses, people can repeat mistakes. Youth is a very fragile phase and I'm getting outdated for them. A shame, to see us stray away far from each other but I guess it's about time. Maybe I lied, I hate getting my existence erased. I hate feeling the things I've done to be all for naught. First it was deaths, then this falling out because of mistrust. I'm slowly falling to doubts again. I hate to doubt people, I hate to doubt myself for doubting people.
Right now I'm stuck as this fool again, out of place. No matter how I turn, my piece can't seem to fit into this puzzle. I'm getting cold blooded again, and I have forgotten why is it wrong. Is it actually wrong though? Why should I pretend to be an idiot just to please people that I don't know? I don't remember why, but I keep doing this anyways. Why.

People are bound to change over the course of life physically, mentally and emotionally. Most would go either left or right on crossroads, but we know that they are going on, moving forward. We also might find ourselves in need to step back off some things, plan another approach. Metamorphosis is change, transition, evolution. Some people change for the worse, but we all strive to be better, the best version of ourselves. What about those who took too many steps back? How much progress would they make? Were there any change at all?
I'm afraid, of myself. Well not really, my old self was capable and efficient. It's just the end can't justify the means, I really don't want to go down that road again, for the sake of people I've come to know. I'm sitting on a mount of bodies, the higher it stacks up, the further I could see. "Don't look down, it's just their time. All of us live on borrowed time. One day you'll be part of the mountain, but for now make sure to climb all the way up, we owe them at least that". That's what we kept telling ourselves.
We wanted to help realise dreams, because those people ran out of sands in their hourglass. Heh, 'we'? It is actually just 'I'. This emptiness, a sign he's coming. I feel alone, even when I'm aware of myself of being surrounded by interesting people. I'm a stopwatch, I got all the time in this world and the ability to reset. "What's happening? Why are the hands going counter clockwise? What's with this smile? Why am I getting excited?" Why am I welcoming that brat? Why does it feel good. Why do I feel fake, pretending to care. I'm a selfish brat, violent and efficient. At least then I feel like I'm capable. I'm sorry, I hate being rotten but now I really hate being pasty. The mask is off, time goes backwards and I'm coming back. Bear with me until I realize my responsibilities as an adult again, until I can say "This is fine".
I wanted to believe in humanity, well I did. But when I lose faith in myself, then I can't see it going any better for the rest. So yeah, let's see how I fight myself again. Bless it, I had to handle all the dead people and now my old self is jumping into this. I can't see myself being the same again, and this change seem to be going on quite the direction. I thought I was already a butterfly, but my pupa self had something to say about it. I might come out as a an insect with a sting, or something with beautiful wings. All that is certain, something is struggling in the pupa.

I loved running, just going faster than walking surprisingly made me very happy. Just going foward, towards the finish line. Don't you just love it when you crossed the finish line, you finally could catch your breath and sweat finally drop. There were people that ended, the people that you run with were among them. You look around and cannot resist to smile upon the tired but also determined faces you saw. Why am I in this black ball?
I've tripped, fallen and even guilty of going too close on the lane of others countless times but the experience of myself slowing down only made me excited. "Man I could totally go fast here", the words that came across not just my mind I presume? So I came to love it even more. I became almost addicted, spontaneously breaking into a sprint on almost every flat surface I set my foot on. It was a simpler time, barely any lasting worries. What changed?
November 26th
"Boy, do you love playing football (soccer)? This arrangement... you can't breathe that well can you? I've seen this case far to often on footballers, play too hard and fell or something of the sort. Flu must have been tough, breathing using mouth? Your tonsil is something, but seems to be lesser of a deal than what I am seeing now. I'm going to prescribe you some pain killers, cough syrup and something to ease your throat. Be safe out there, Dengue cases popped up recently and you have the potential."
This put the nail on the coffin that wrote 'Aqil's Singing Career'. Jokes aside, I've been noticing myself getting tired easier in recent years. I felt doubtful, unmotivated, empty. What's under me? Oh it's just my shadow. Why is it getting bigger? Cause I'm eating you bro.
That's how I'm in this black ball, curling up pathetically. I've been kicked around, went out of the playing field but never kicked to goal, the game score is currently 0. Instead, what I am seeing in the field were fouls over fouls. They weren't winning by scoring, this is a red cards race. I know I'm not that interesting as a ball but ouch, y'all be forgetting that you can play.
Yeah, I've been tired for a bit. Even got confirmed as to why, but I've been drained mentally longer. I can't breathe, I can't voice out, now it's literally.

Thank you Jo... but I'm afraid that I refuse to cut myself off this torment. I'm the winner of a Russian Roulette, Death congratulated me for it. Over the years though, I realized that I wasn't the victor. I don't want to hate Death, it is part this cycle but to have them taken far before they could bloom pains me. I made them actual part of me by carrying their dreams, as I am still left standing. I haven't cried for more than 10 years, but I do feel like I can now. I've been away from my hometown for a while, but when I heard there are still people alive, I was excited to go back. It was then that I got tangled up in a mess that soon showed me how little if anything I got done. A friend turned to crime, crossed another line and can't listen to reason anymore. I had to do it, had to cut him off the crowd. That was some time ago, and I got his last words. "I chose this Aqil, I thought you would too. Alas, you can't change anything with that weak resolve of yours", a guard told me about the words written on a piece of paper under his hanging body. We were not that close, but as a person that shared an alma mater with me I saw hope in forming a brotherhood. He doesn't know me that well before, but his voice speaks nothing to say that he's just an acquaintance now. He is now the most distinct voice in my head, and I just can't ignore him even when I want to listen to the others. I won't cut the strings, there are still things I need to do. Let me get strangled by them, the show won't be ending anytime soon. I am still young, but I have used 7 over 9 lives narrowly escaping Death's Bounty. Another might be used up soon, so I'll be on my last life. I lied when I said that I am single, Death us actually my lover now that I think of it. Made sense, she got jealous of me getting engaged. It's not that I fell in love with the woman, it's the fact that I lost someone so kind that I haven't got the chance to know that well. Death, honey, we all would meet you soon. I'm sure you're as beautiful as they say, I'm sure you are as gentle and calming as described too but I am still here. Throw me despair, finally throw me more joy, I don't care much. This is your last chance, so better make it interesting before I find release.

I truly feel like a cat Sith. Walking over deadmen, stealing their soul away from God. I took their dreams, now they are not in peace and have been voicing it. They used to be a lot calmer. Nowadays though, a new voice shattered the fragile peace we had. He was a mistake I don't want to end up doing again. He can't hang on, I strung him up. He was strangled with my sins, and he still blames me now.

Not that I need them, I am a puppet after all. I am moved by others, void of my own will. I stopped moving a while ago, I was just too delusional to realize it. My strings? Attached to deadmen. I have no guidance, exposed to the otherworldly influence. After all, The Devil knows how to pull our strings. Yeah, I'm just blaming others at this point. The truth is, it is my fault. I got too caught up in hope that I missed the traces of despair incoming. Heh, why am I talking like I could do anything about it? Can I though?. I don't know. I wanted to believe in my strength, but I have long forgotten what they are, what it is. Why am I still having pride, I don't even know what I have going on. I can't stop chasing the wishes, nor would I believe to be able to achieve them.

I feel like a loser lately. Everything just slipped through my fingers, buttery. I am afraid of death, but not really of my own. I just hate feeling alone, to go back to square zero. Doubts creeping into my mind, ears are their door. 'Talents'? Do I even have something that latent? I used to think that this is fine, as I could see things up ahead. Everything is going to be well right? What good it is though, when I didn't realize that I was standing on bodies my dear comrades. I realized how short I am, after all I'm actually 5'3. It's not that I didn't expect bodies, it's just that I can't accept it. Everyone deserve to see what's beyond the horizon for them, why am I the only one left standing? Why are they under my feet? I shouldn't hate Death, it is just something we all will go through. I guess I just wanted something to blame, what a sore loser huh. I don't hate spiders but Death is one. We all are in its web, stuck in the net-work. It's creeping onto all of us, wrapping us with Cocoons of Despair. In the cocoon, Poison of Suffering will be injected. It is melting your very existence. What's left now is for it to suck you very life out.
I am so sorry, my negativity is being dominant right now. I am just tired, I think. Can't sleep, dull senses. My heart keeps beating, that's good right? Wait, isn't quite fast? My eyes can still see colours, but why am I looking at only grey? Why can't I turn my head? My ears are always occupied, as it fully wakes up when my eyes are closed. Sight of black, and the whispers of the dead came. The new voices are quite loud, I remember who they were. I don't want to cover my ears like a kid, but that's what I am doing now. I can't even listen to advices now. My nose? I can still smell. My own stench is nothing but I wonder. Why is my breath shorter, why is it getting hard to breathe?
"Son, were you involved in any heavy impacts? Maybe you fell playing football? Your respiratory system got shifted, colds must be hard on you"
My tongue? I can still taste food, they are great. They are delicious... why can't I enjoy them though. Why, with all the flavours, I can't seem to taste the most important thing; joy. My skin is as functional as ever, I can feel the cold going deep. Winter will never be here so why is it so cold? I love the tropics, The Sun warmed us up. Look at our colours, we are warm people! What's with this blizzard then, imprisoning my heart?

March 18... Happy Birthday Joe! With this, I'll be the first to wish you birthday, ahahahaha. I'm kidding, I just wanted to say we appreciate you doing this but I don't think I could make it so here it is, Happy Birthday JB!

Welcome, hope you can find what you seek here and more! Make yourself comfortable, you have no choice but to mwahahahahhah! We'd be interested to see what you have, your collection sounds interesting. Nice to meet ya 👋.
PS: I also love cats, but it seems that I'm a walking cat repellant. Might ask for your advice one day

1. A snake. I hate cold, basically didn't stand out and have a forked tongue (bad at speaking).
2. I would chose run, if I don't ever get tired. I love to run, even was a sprinter at one point but my breath became shorter lately.