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Monday, November 1, 2010

Me Other Pants: Date Night with the Cap'n

Last Saturday night, the Cap'n took me to a fancy restaurant on our (bi-annual) date night. We don't get out much, you know babysitters and reservations and kids not being sick and nothing else on the calendar... The stars pretty much have to align for us to be be able to go out, so it was a pretty big deal. I even wore a shirt that did not have a boobstain and put on makeup.

After enjoying a delicious dinner, a refreshing cocktail and my husband's charming company, we asked the waiter for the check. As the Cap'n went for his wallet, he asked me if I had any cash for the tip.

Now, when I am too tired or have had an adult beverage, sometimes things come out of my mouth that I don't mean to say. Sometimes they're just slurry - other times they're Freudian - other times, I just mispronounce words that I have been saying correctly for 35 years (Kate really enjoys this phenomenon). I have a friend for whom English is her second language and she says the same thing happens to her. Except that English is my first language, and I've got no excuses. Nor anything to fall back on when my English fails me, except perhaps clicks and buzzes.

This is what I said:

"Oh! I do have money!" -- felt around for wadded up dollars in my pocket -- "Sorry! I forgot I changed before our date, it must be in me other pants."

The Cap'n raised an eyebrow and cocked his head. "I'm sorry, did you just say ME other pants?"

I nodded sadly.

The Cap'n nodded back and said: "I see. Are you a pirate? Or a leprechaun. Where are me other pants? In me pot o' gold? Arrggh!"

And at that I started laughing and sprayed mineral water with lemon all over the table in the very fancy restaurant. Because I am an asshat and you can't take me anywhere. Even in me fancy pants.

Oh, poor Lydia. Yeah, me too. I understanding the mis-speaking as it's become best friends with the missing words from my vocabulary. My 16 year old son thinks it's hilarious to make fun of me when I do that. I can't wait until he's older and HIS kids make him get all discombobulated.

Love it. That made me really laugh. Anyone else believe that you lose your memory once you get pregnant? I know there have been studies saying there's no connection ... but I truly believe it does happen. My memory has been gone since I got pregnant with my first child almost 9 years ago.

I say as long as you are able to convey the general idea of what you are trying to communicate that no one gets to criticize. Progesterone Poisoning takes years to recover from and no Mommy can be held responsible for what comes out of her mouth. Especially on those rare kid-free occasions when we have had a cocktail...

My friends and I call that mommy mush brain and we are all lovingly tolerant of the lost trains of thought, misspoken, mispronounced or just plain forgotten words, especially in mid-sentence. We remind each other where we were in the story after the kids have interrupted us and we stare blankly around trying to remember the point we were trying to make. We fill in the blanks when we cannot for the life of think of THAT WORD. And we pretend not to notice when something unrecognizable comes out of our mouths in the middle of some tirade about men or kids or work or whatever else is draining our brain power. Glad to know it's not just us! :) Thanks for making me laugh this morning.

Ah yes I've had brain farts and what spews out of my mouth at times is down right embarrassing. Try talking yourself out of telling your OB/GYN, "It's okay my husbands had a hysterectomy!" when your brain can't find the word vasectomy until it's too late and I get the funny look and " you must have quite a strange family then" comment... Not the kind of moment I wanted to have while wearing paper clothes!

They say kids who get "mama's milk" instead of formula gain 3 extra IQ points... yeah, they suck it straight out of your brain. And then you are deficient for the rest of your life. After three, I'm lucky I can still spell my name...

Usually in an effort to get out what I'm trying to say before I'm interrupted by my lovely children, I speak very quickly and end up stumbling completely over my sentence and it comes out completely wrong. Oh Lydia, I feel your pain!

It doesn't get better with age. When helping decorate for my granddaughter's first birthday, I looked at her daddy (my son-in-law) and said, "We need more motorcycles." I knew it was wrong. I just stared at him to doubt me. But for the life of me I couldn't think of the word balloons. Finally he said, "Do you think you mean balloons?" I slowly nodded my head and said, "Your time is coming. She's only one."

oh you gotta love those moments. i had one at my OB/GYN. i was giving my history and i was trying to tell her that i had a IUD, well it came out DUI. i didn't realize i had said that and could not figure out the strange look on her face. i'm sure she was thinking i was a really dummy for "confessing" instead of history.

I think if you are still able to form words at the end of the day and you've been able to brush your teeth at some point AND get out of sweats... then your date is a success... so hars to yee matee... I have no clue how to spell in pirate:)

ooh! i am laughing so hard tears are running down my face. i am laughing so hard i can't even tell my husband WHY i am laughing!! oh, i wish we could "like" these comments like we can on facebook!! i feel like i nursed my braincells out of my head. i feel that i suffered a stroke at how much i have lost since having kids. especially after the third. no wonder my three year old is so smart!! she took my last remaining brain cells!! true, true, oh so true!! thank you for posting this!!

Not sure if you know this but, you can actually change the language on your face book to pirate! Just scroll all the way down to the bottom of the page and click on "English" it's in blue. Then click on the arrow next to english and click on pirate. It's awesome!

Do you ever pronounce a word with an accent right in the middle of a normal sentence? I've been struck with Southern, English, Australian or South African versions of words for no good reason. But I've totally done what you did. Is it the liquor or the delicious freedom for a few hours that makes one feel so jaunty?

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