Mindless

I wrote this when I was feeling really down on love. Nothing was going right for me. But this felt right at the time.

Love is mindless.

For a brief, shimmering moment you can actually think that something good will come of it. But then your mind seems to fall completely out of your head and splatter on the floor and pretty soon your heart will follow. It is pointless and stupid and the most lethal emotion. Love is anger and lust and jealousy and passion and forgetfulness and, the most evil of all, hope. Love is a full syringe of evil straight to the heart. Love is fine while it lasts but when it ends (and it will end) all that is left is regret. The imaginary ‘they’ people are always telling you to make the most of every experience, right? ‘They’ say that you have to learn from your mistakes, learn to make yourself stronger, able to protect yourself from the lethality of love. Love isn't eternal, so if it sticks its foot out and you trip over it, make sure you fall hard. Make sure that you scrape your knees and rub your hands raw, because it is the greatest mistake. So if you are smart, you will learn from that mistake, learn to not take a shot of evil straight to the bloodstream.

That evil thing, endearingly called love, can bring the strongest person to their knees, make them sob; with longing, with envy, with skepticism. It can bury you in agony, make you scream with it, crush you with it. Perhaps even more heartbreaking is that it can buoy you up, make you senseless with sweet nothings and false appearances. When you stop floating, you crash hard.

Some feel like they can pull down the moon when they are in love. Some feel as though they could move a mountain. Others drown in their love, a positive or negative decision that looms over you like a full syringe. It can move you to rescue yourself. Or you can let it suck you down. It is a choice that is difficult to make.

Personally, I would rather save myself than go down with the ship/heart. I don't want to feel anymore. I don't want to let myself hope and have those hopes crash down on my head.

I want to be numb. I want to not have to deal with this every single day. I don't want to walk down the sidewalk and see hands held together with love and almost burst into tears, longing for something I can't find. I don't want to be told that I am wrong, that I am only 19 and have the rest of my life ahead of me. I know that I can't find it like I know that gravity is real. I do not want to be dictated by a feeling that could slip through my hands like water. I want to be able to make my own decision concerning the state of my mind.

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