Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.

Kermit

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, hi-ho and welcome again to The Muppet Show! Hey, do we have a good one for you tonight? Don't ask, of course we do! Tonight's guest stars are those phenomenal artists of mime, Shields and Yarnell.

Scooter

Boss! Boss! Bad news about the guest stars!

Kermit

What is it, Scooter?

Scooter

They're machines! Shields and Yarnell are robots!

Kermit

(scowls) They are not.

Scooter

They are so! They were just moving like this. (walks like a robot)

Kermit

Scooter! Watch out for the orchestra pit!

Scooter

(falls) WHOAAA! (crash!)

Kermit

Boy. Right into the tuba. Hey, Tiny, would you give a blast on that thing?

I didn't have to. All mimes do walking against the wind. Fozzie, you've gotta be more original. (walks to the stage)

The Clinkers

Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.

Kermit

Okay. Well, ladies and gentlemen, our guest stars tonight are masters in the art of mime. Here they are, doing one of their classic sketches, "Robots Having Breakfast", ladies and gentlemen, Shields and Yarnell.

Open on a kitchen. As synthetic music plays, Mr. Clinker, wearing a robe and with a pipe in his mouth, mechanizes his way towards the table, briefly glancing at the camera and batting his eyebrows.

He and Mrs. Clinker move towards each other to give a hug. They both go to the table. Mrs. Clinker pours cereal and milk into both bowls as Mr. Clinker sits down. Mrs. Clinker sits down.

Mr. Clinker picks up the glass of orange juice, and pours it on himself. Mrs. Clinker does the same. They both spoon cereal onto themselves. Mrs. Clinker falls face-first into the bowl, then rises up. She spits cereal at Mr. Clinker, and they both fall on their backs, knocking over the table. Applause.

Statler

Is that their act?

Waldorf

Yep.

Statler

How come they don't talk?

Waldorf

Because it's mime.

Statler

I thought you said it was theirs!

They look at each other in confusion.

Backstage

Fozzie pretends to take something out of his hand, then looks up.

Fozzie

Hey, Floyd, what am I doing? What am I doing? Okay — (demonstrates)

Floyd

Hey, man, I don't know what kind of trip you're on, but I hope you bought a return ticket! (chuckles)

Fozzie

Okay — what does it look like I'm doing?

Floyd

Heh, it looks like you're feeding spaghetti to an elephant.

Fozzie

Right! Right! That's exactly right. How many mimes have you seen doing that? Huh?

Floyd

Only one. And he got killed doing it.

Fozzie

Killed?

Floyd

Well, come to think of it, he wasn't a mime. He was just some guy who tried to feed an elephant spaghetti. They hate Italian food. (chuckles)

Gonzo watches from upstairs.

Fozzie

That's a terrific idea for my finish in this act! Okay, here. (demonstrates) See, I feed the spaghetti, and the elephant takes, takes my hand with his trunk, and then wraps around my neck, and he takes me down — (falls down, then gets up) Aah!

Floyd

(to viewer) The brain of the bear has gone bye-bye.

He ankles away. Gonzo knocks on the dressing room door.

Dressing Room

Shields and Yarnell put on their eyeliner. Gonzo knocks on the door and peers in.

Gonzo

Hi, guys. Mind if I come in?

They smile, and go about their makeup. Gonzo walks towards them.

Gonzo

Boy, you look happy. (sigh) I'm not happy.

They make sad faces.

Gonzo

(sigh) I'm miserable. See, I gotta come up with an act for next week's show. You guys know the kind of acts I do?

Yarnell nods, and makes a funny face.

Gonzo

That's it! That's exactly what I do. Listen, if you were me, what would you recommend?

She points him to Shields, who warms up his hands.

Gonzo

He's gonna show me.

Shields mimes playing the piano. He loosens his fingers, straightens his hair, sits on the bench, lifts the piano cover, examines the sheet music, then starts playing.

Gonzo

Yeah? … Uh huh. Yeah? Mm-hm. Yes. Yes, okay, I think I got it. Yes? This is — that's fantastic! How does he do it? That's exactly my new act! Fantastic! I can see it all now — Gonzo, massaging a snake! Whoopee!

The mimes both freeze, with confusion on their faces. Gonzo runs out of the room.

Shields & Yarnell

Massaging a snake?

They shrug, and continue with their makeup.

UK Spot

Quongo the gorilla hangs from the Empire State Building, singing "It's Lonely at the Top" The little people inside the building join him.

Quongo

I've been around the world,Had my pick of any girl.You'd think I'd be happy, but I'm not.

Wild West

A saloon, evening. Beauregard the bartender wipes a table. A bow-legged, cross-eyed cowboy (Yarnell) enters and sits at a table. A gunsmith (Shields) enters on his invisible horse, shooting an invisible gun. He falls off, then sits down by the cowboy.

He deals an invisible hand to both of them. They each look at their cards, glancing at each others' hands. They both put some money on the table.

Shields

I call ya!

They lay down their hands.

Shields

That's four kings.

Yarnell

That's a pair o' threes.

Shields

Four kings.

Yarnell

Pair o' threes!

Shields

That's four kings!

Yarnell

Threes!

Shields

Kings!

Yarnell

Threes!

Shields

Kings!

Yarnell

Threes!

Shields

Kings!

Yarnell

Threes!

Shields

Kings!

Yarnell

Oh yeah?

They get in a fistfight. Shields turns into Yarnell's punching bag. Yarnell takes a small break from punching to address the audience.

Yarnell

He's always cheatin' me!

Shields goes down with one final blow. He stumbles to the bar, and removes his invisible gun from his holster.

Beauregard

Say, we don't allow no gunfights in here, mister.

Shields does some fancy gun work, then fires Beau's hat clean off.

Beauregard

Have a nice fight.

Yarnell

(looks at cards) Ya know, he is right. It is four kings.

The big standoff begins. They walk up to each other.

Yarnell

One, two, three.

They turn away. Shields steps three paces and turns. Yarnell fires, and Shields goes down with a bang. Yarnell takes a swig, throws the invisible glass in the air and shoots it. Yarnell blows his gun and it goes off again, propelling him to the window.

Okay! Well, so far, we have certainly proved that our very special guest stars are masters of the art of mime. Well, here they are now to show you that they do everything good too. Ladies and gentlemen, Shields and Yarnell!

The curtain opens, revealing a circus setting with an audience full of Muppets. Shields and Yarnell come out dressed as acrobats, dancing and tumbling to the music.

Muppets

Make 'em laugh! Make 'em laugh!Don't you know everyone wants to laugh?

Fozzie

My dad said "Be an actor, my son…"

Muppets

"… but be a comical one!"

Shields

Okay, you want comedy? You got it! It's animal impression time! Do I hear any requests?

Blue man

How about a gorilla?

Shields

A gorilla! Terrific.

Quongo trembles with excitement as Shields assumes the mannerisms of a gorilla. Ta-da!

Quongo

Boy oh boy, magnificent! Heh heh! The guy's a genius! Heh heh!

Shields

Do I hear another one?

Leo

Uh, yeah, a lizard.

Shields

A lizard.

He crawls around, puffs his cheeks and jumps. Ta-da!

Lizard

Amazing! He looks just like Uncle Harry!

Shields

How about one more suggestion?

Gonzo

Would you consider a chicken?

Shields

(spins around) Hey! Haha …

He walks over to Gonzo, pretending to be attacked by a chicken. Camilla materializes next to Gonzo.

Gonzo

Give this guy the Nobel Prize!

Shields and Yarnell resume dancing.

Muppets

Make 'em roar! Make 'em scream!Take a fall, run a wall, split a seam!You start off by pretending you're a dancer with grace,You wiggle till they're giggling all over the place, And then you get a great big custard pie in the face!Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh, make 'em la-a-augh!

Yarnell takes a break to tap-dance as Animal plays the drums.

Muppets

Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh, make 'em …

Shields

Wait a minute, one last mime! Ladies and gentlemen, feeding spaghetti to an elephant!

Fozzie

Hold it! Ho, ho, please! Hold it! This man stole my biggie!

Yarnell

Aw, no he didn't!

Shields shoos him off the stage so they can finish.

Muppets

Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh, make 'em …

Shields and Yarnell do some final showboating as the music concludes. They take a bow as the audience applauds.

Goodnights

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.

Kermit

Okay! Well, that just about wraps up another version of The Muppet Show! But before we go, let us have a warm thank you for our very special guest stars, ladies and gentlemen, the wonderful Shields and Yarnell! Yaaaay!

They come out and take a bow.

Yarnell

Kermit, we had an incredible time tonight.

Kermit

Oh, good.

Shields

Yeah. We did, and we want to thank Fozzie Bear for giving us that classic sketch, "Feeding spaghetti to an elephant".

Yarnell

That's right.

Fozzie

Aw, that's okay, I figured you need some quality material in your act.

Yarnell

We do, huh?

Gonzo

And thanks for showing me that chicken trick. It really works!

Yarnell

Any time.

Gonzo

Come on, girls!

Fozzie

What?

Chickens flock the stage.

Shields

Hey, Gonzo, it looks like you've really been busy.

Gonzo

Ha! Well, my coop runneth over.

Fozzie

Hahahahaha!

Kermit

We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

Yarnell roughhouses Shields, who in turn, roughhouses Fozzie, who in turn, roughhouses one of Gonzo's chickens as the credits roll.

Gonzo

Stop that!

Waldorf

Just when you think this show is terrible, something wonderful happens.