Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Towards a better bottomline!

Hello everybody. Sorry for not posting for so long. I have been very busy since we received this mail from our HR last week. I think I will make it to the CEO desk, if I follow the effective time management and productivity enhancement measures that my company has arranged for us. Wish me best of luck. Any on you HR Types reading this may take note and learn. I have given the mail from our HR below.

Dear Employees,

1. Starting today all latecomers’ computers will be configured to starts on its own. It will then open embarrassment.com/xxx . Screen savers have been blocked and will not save your face. The said page will not close after 9:30 am. To reset, you will have to contact HR.

2. New screen savers have been designed and installed compulsorily. A message on the screen saver will flash ”THIS COMPUTER IS LYING UNUSED” accompanied by loud horns if the computer is not used for more than four seconds. To reset contact your manager. Ditto for lunch break, pee break etc.

3. Internet Browsers have been configured with inbuilt timers. Internet browsing is chargeable at Rs.1000 per hour which will be deducted from your salary. Ditto with Messengers.

4. In order to improve our quarterly results, we will charge Rs. 500/- for every salary appraisal.

5. Lunch will hence forth be served at your workstation. We have arranged for people to feed you while you are working to save time.

6. Married employees are strictly advised against having babies while in our employment. Those undergoing Sterilization procedures will be given additional incentives like an extra 5 minutes tea/coffee break. You can make up by staying an extra 5 minutes late.

7. On the other hand, employees who have babies may please enroll them at our crèche for team building and indoctrination exercises. On successful completion of the course they will be given a certificate which will give them an advantage while applying for employment with us in the future.

8. Those willing to get our logo tattooed on their forehead or any visible part on their body or their family, friends or neighbor's bodies will be given an increment of 1%. This is a drive to save on branding costs.

9. As part of our drive to help you multi task all employees will have to undergo training in typing with your feet. After successful completing of the course you will be given an additional computer and additional tasks.

10. We are working on a new technology that will shrink 24 hours into 8 hours. All employees will have to volunteer for testing this project.

11. Only Managers will be allowed to backstab. The rest of you will help reduce Managerial frustrations by turning your backs to your manager’s faults from time to time.

12. All employees will have to go through Telepathy and Levitation Courses to save on telephone and travel bills. Requests for Flying carpets denied.

13. To save on stationery costs, printers have been configured to print on any body part. The ink is washable. Shower charges extra.

14. Employees will contribute for Projects that go out of budget.

15. Sick employees will be provided a workstation at home complete with access card swiping facility.

16. We have decided to restructure our management team and get rid of the deadwood. Ramesh the office boy, Suresh the boot polisher and David the arse kisser are hence fired.

17. All employees will have to attend Time Management Seminars on Friday, Saturdays and Sundays.

18. Please carpool while using the lift.

19. Air conditioner temperature disagreements have finally been resolved. The A/C temperature has been set at a comfortable 80 degrees. A coin slot has been provided for employees who want further decrease/increase in temperatures. The accounts dept. will be selling 5 rupee coins for Rs. 8/- only.

20. Employees will be fired in their mother tongue to soften the blow. For language options please contact HR.

21. All games in your computers have been reconfigured. Since the computers belong to us, you will have to pay us for every game you lose against the computer. On the other hand winning employees will be charged @ Rs. 1000 perhour for using the computer during their working hours.

22. Employees will be taken FREE to the cinemas on National Holidays where you will be treated to a four hour presentation on Giant Screen on Effective Working Techniques. The snack shops in the theater accept Sodexho passes.

23. We predict a 1% increase in our next quarter results. Employees are therefore advised make reservations at your favorite restaurant which accepts your Sodexho passes early to avoid disappointment. You wouldn’t want to be sitting at home when everyone is celebrating would you?

24. And finally Investment advice to employees is herewith stopped as employees who availed the same made enough money to quit our company.

48 comments:

All da best. May you reach the CEO desk ( Not to beat up the CEO , but tobe the CEO :D ) .

This must have been in the wake of you 'shocking' your Manager eh ?

Oh and our HR saw this , and he wanted to implement it. I stopped him by first threatening to cut off his internet and then doing it. Now everytime he fires up his browser , it opens embarrassment.com/xxx . And stays so.

My Advice ? Team up with sysadmins if you want to fight the HR . They are your knights of Salvation.

Seriously , me and my colleagues do not suffer from such hassles. Our CEO is a very understanding person. He still thinks employees are the best assets and tries out any improvement himself first to see if its possible.Only then does he ask us to do so. Well he doesnt ask .. he calls a meeting and asks us whether its acceptable. Most of the time we give him a yes because his ideas are usually brilliant.

Has the hiring rate in ur company come down by any chance since u began blogging...hehe? really had a hearty laugh...loved all of it...ur irravara, irravara, irreverence must be causing the poor HR a lot of problems.

We predict a 1% increase in our next quarter results. Employees are therefore advised make reservations at your favorite restaurant which accepts your Sodexho passes early to avoid disappointment. You wouldn’t want to be sitting at home when everyone is celebrating would you?

Ha Ha .. Poor Silv is a victim of Sodexho Passes. Back there in Pune we used to check if the restro-bar's would accept the Passes so that our booze would be covered. Thank God we had a few of them around our office. ROFLMAOBTYUKEGTJNCGEYHJC - Chirichu Chirichu Kore extra Shortcuts undakki poyi :)

Anonymous said... Is your company HR so dumb that they have not found that U blog full time in the office?? The list should have had a charge for every character typed in your blog and every word you read from blogs...

I think your HR finally found your blog :) And it was a big self-realisation I must say..lol..

Haha.. :)May be, the HR would like to add this as an extension of point #11:Employee Frustration Relief Program - The office gym would have punching bags modelled after managers.P.S.: The employed are asked not to mind the CC cameras installed in the gym.

That was really hilarious…still ROFL. And you know, you have not exaggerated much. I know an HR manager who gave the name of the doctor to an employee to get an abortion, when she refused to go on an overseas assignment because she was in her first trimester of her pregnancy...

Alexis: Thank you :) My HR sent me and few good friends a mail about Time Management and Effective Working Techniques. I sent him a reply which I elaborated and made into this post. He was rofl ( not at the post but at the reply :p)

That HR man needs to be shot!!! How apalling, maybe we can hand him over to our resident doc and surgeon MC for castration !

Thanu: Thanks :)

Connors Connor: My HR doesn't even know what a blog is. This is India dear. :))

Maverick: I am not a techie, but I have enough sense "Never" to blog or post from the office. In fact I don't even open my blog page in office. I have a nice little cosy cyber cafe close by for that ;)

Sarah: Thank you dear doc. Mama needs to laugh too and that's what we are all here for :) Reg Alexis comment, I am disgusted too!!!!

I share the anger. If I was not on a wheelchair I would have gone to his office and gave him a piece of my mind and in that process lost my job.

He actually suggested the abortion to my friend. Poor girl, she was shell shocked and couldn't say anything. His line of argument was something like ‘you can have babies even later, but overseas assignment will not be there when you want it’, which was crap because nobody was willing to take that assignment and he was desperate to get a person.

Since he couldn’t bully the male counterparts, he chose a person he can bully. But she walked out of the room and wanted to resign. We had to literally plead with her to refrain from taking such a drastic action just because some fool had made a stupid suggestion.

We reported the issue to our project leader who also was shocked and he was one of the senior persons and must confronted the HR guy, as we didn't hear anything similar. But it was a shock. I don't know whether it was his first attempt and whether he had succeeded before.

#1.. applies to me... and yeah... why would I contact my HR to reset it..Instead.. I'll move around all over th ework place.. pissing off every one to the core... so the HR will automatically stop putting such things on my work stn!

"Ramesh the office boy, Suresh the boot polisher and David the arse kisser are hence fired"perhaps if David could multi task he may have kept his job....also I am aghast that they let Suresh Go...he was a team playerand the only guy who could afford the 5 Rs for increasing the A/C temperature...

Astonishingly, Similar characters like ramesh, suresh, etc are existent in my office too...

This post is currently circulating among my collegues and everyone was appreciating it...(perfect timimg). Actually, it has reached my HR too... My company had not paid the promised bonus part yet and the present hike is effective from july :(

Anonymous 1 again claiming to b u'r HR : Okey , yaar u r entrusted the task of finding teh recruit's n making the employees attend the office at the right time ; i'm gonna sleep a little longer each day , i will come to the office at 11 sharp i want to c everything in order ; Grr(again)