Search form

The 4 Ways We Compete for Mates

A common metaphor for courtship is that dating is a game. Such a metaphor immediately evokes images of competition, and introduces the idea that we may compete for the attention of a potential (or current) mate. Consider the early seasons of the old TV show Saved By The Bell in which Zack and Slater competed for the affections of their classmate Kelly. Even when Zack started dating Kelly, there was an ongoing competition for her attention between the two males. Today, reality shows based on mating competition, like The Bachelor, can be found across the weekly TV lineup, helping to socialize us into an understanding of mate competition.

Formally referred to as intrasexual mate competition, the concept applies to situations in which two people compete for the same potential mate, or two people are in a relationship and person A needs to keep the attention of person B away from a potential rival, C—a situation one can readily identify in many romantic comedy films.

Interesting recent work by Fisher and Cox (2011) addressed the strategies we utilize during heterosexual intrasexual mate competition.

Participants were asked, “How do you compete with others of the same sex (e.g., for dating partners or attention)?” Four types of strategies were identified: self-promotion, competitor derogation, competitor manipulation, and mate manipulation.

The second strategy, competitor derogation, involved attacking a sexual rival, directly or indirectly. Examples included acting aggressively toward the rival, indirectly insulting the person, spreading gossip about him or her, or portraying him or her as sexually promiscuous.

The third strategy, competitor manipulation, involved maneuvering the attention of the competitor away from the desired mate toward an alternative mate. This could also involve indirectly manipulating the competitor to appear less desirable in front of the desired mate.

Finally, mate manipulation involved expressing interest to the desired mate, enhancing perceptions of similarity and shared interests, and spending increased one-on-one time with him or her.

Fisher and Cox’s study indicated that self-promotion and competitor derogation were the most commonly used strategies. In another finding, which was consistent with other research, males and females employed the four strategies at roughly the same rate.

Future studies will offer an even more precise understanding of the source orientations driving mate competition behaviors. For one, further research is necessary to explore intrasexual mate competition in same-sex courtship.

Follow me on Twitter @therealdrsean for relationship commentary/links, complaints about mass transit, and support for WVU Athletics. Continue to follow this blog for future entries about deception, online dating, using affection to lie, workplace romance, and other issues that make obtaining and retaining a mate oh so interesting.

Doing the Zack vs Slater thing isn't good in the long run. You're asking to be frenemies, not friends, and you're not working in your best interests. You should be playing wing-man, calling dibs, and playing for the SAME team -- by establishing mutually understood ground-rules. It helps when one's peers talk you up. And usually, there's not ONE "Kelly".

But in the event there is that ONE girl and you both like her, being on the same team you come right out and agree to each put your best foot forward and see in the beginning who she seems to like -- before getting any #s or going on any dates. Guys who can't handle this are a-holes. :)

With that said, I think dating being a "game" is more about the girl being on one team and the guy being on the other (which is why two friends should play on the same team). The girl wants a guy who's a "catch", she doesn't want to feel as if she's coming across as "easy" (nor he, ideally), and the want to conform to society pressures (the refs).

Playing on the same team to "win" the game (capturing full-fledged, locked-in Interest) helps out both parties. Stomping on each other for starting position? Ummm, there's other guys the hot girl's going to have as prospects. Don't go there!

Sure people use these strategies in varying degrees, but often not in a straightforward way. For example, some women are looking for a guy who is confident and generous to other people -- the type of guy who speaks highly of others, even his male competitors. That is, someone who is "not playing the game". I know several women who would drop a guy like a hot rock if his desire to bad mouth other guys was even remotely obvious.

Human communication is often not so much about what you say, it's more about motivation -- what others thing your reason is for saying it.

If someone suddenly said, "Water is wet", people around him wouldn't nod their heads in agreement, rather they would wonder if he's a nutcase or look around to see if their missing something. See, in this case the literal fact is irrelevant. It's all about the motivation for saying it.