You should never have to know how we at Acme, Incorporated do what we do, but recently people have raised questions about the reliability of our products. We strive for transparency in our work and have nothing to fear from your scrutiny. Our main magic comes from the function:

Some of our competitors, being the jealous types, and some troublemakers, having nothing better to do, claim that our fulfillment and quality assurance departments are full of errors. We disclaim this, specifically in five parts:

Some people claim that we ship bad products, up to 30% of the time. This is not true. All of our products work exactly as we have designed them to work. Any error rests with the user, or more likely a competing product clever disguised as ours.

The third claim is that our products somehow detect your hour of need and suddenly fail to work immediately. This is clearly a coincidence; our minds love to see patterns even when they are not present. Think of all of the times ourproducts have worked perfectly and you will see that, even if our products ever broke, you merely see coincidences.

It's true; sometimes a product proves so popular that we temporarily run out of stock. In this case, we will ship you a raincheck to redeem when we can finish fulfilling your order. It's important to us to give you your product as soon as possible -- perhaps even sooner than we have it!