Thursday, April 29, 2010

The dingy yellow walls and tiles. The dreary industrial-style furnishings. The dismal dime store decorations. The carefully washed stockings hung out to dry, because you can’t go throwing money away on new stockings or anything else that would make you feel young and gay again.

Finally, the pièces de dépression, the laundry bag made out of a washed up washcloth, and its matching hanger in Pepto-Bismol pink crochet thread. Anyone who sees this brave yet futile attempt to brighten up your washroom of woe will immediately lose the will to live.

So, honey, if you find yourself crocheting pink flowers onto a wire hanger, while you sob into the tattered remains of an institutional green facecloth – drop that hook and run for your life. Pack up your bags, become a gay divorcee and go on a long overdue glittering girl spree!

For the complete pattern (and more snark):

Terry Cloth Laundry Bag #815

At least, the Gay and Gifty folks managed to come up with 814 other patterns before they ran out of ideas and were forced to resort to turning washcloths into laundry bags.

Either that or there are 814 other Terry Cloth Laundry Bag patterns out there that just weren’t gay enough.

This bag may be made with any of the AMERICAN THREAD COMPANY products listed below:

That’s right, the AMERICAN THREAD COMPANY is the only true-blue AMERICAN thread company. So, don’t even THINK about using any other company’s products. Spinnerin? Sub-standard. Coats and Clark? Communists! The Spool Cotton Company? Spawn of Satan!!!

Cover embroidery hoop with ribbon as illustrated.

Vague instructions combined with an unhelpful pink-on-pink illustration? We’re off to a great start to this project!

Wait, washcloths have spaces? Then why are we measuring 3/8th of an inch? Just for the anal-retentive joy of using a ruler?

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

... * ch 7, skip about 3/8 inch space, s c in next space, repeat from * for 6 inches, place other cloth on top of 1st cloth, insert hook 6 inches from corner of 2nd cloth and working through both cloths, s c in same space with last s c, ** ch 7, skip about 3/8 inch space, s c in next space, * ch 7, skip about 3/8 inch space, s c in next space, repeat from ** twice, * ch 7, skip about 3/8 inch space, s c in next space, repeat from * to within 6 inches from next corner...

From which *? The one in front of the last ** or the one directly behind it?

I’m barely through 1 and 3/8 inches of this pattern, and already my soul is being crushed. Might be a new record!

... working last s c in same space as starting ch, * ch 7, skip 3/8 inch space of 2nd cloth, s c in next space, repeat from * to corner, ch 7, s c in same space, * ch 7, skip 3/8 inch space, s c in next space, repeat from * across remaining free edge ending with sl st in same space where the 2 clothes are joined.

Or so you might reasonably assume as there was no note at the end of the pattern, saying “continued on page whatever”. However, turning the page, I found a pattern for a “Rose Pot Holder”, followed the “Hosiery Hanger” and finally, tucked down on the bottom of page 14, “Terry Cloth Laundry Bag”.

This was no oversight. It’s all a part of Gay and Gifty’s evil plan to keep you alert, interested, and drowning in despair.

With right side of loops of 1st row toward you and working around lower edge of bag, attach thread in picot above joining of 2 cloths, shell in center st of 1st loop, * shell in center st of next loop, repeat from * to opposite side, sl st in picot above joining, cut thread, do not turn.

Handle that beading with care, and make sure you measure ACCURATELY. Or your laundry bag will be ruined.

Don’t argue that you can’t even see the beading in the photograph. It’ll be utterly ruined, I tell you!

2nd Row – Ch 4, * shell in center st of next loop, repeat from * to last loop, ch 4, s c in s c, working on other side of beading, ch 4, * shell in center st of next shell, repeat from * to last loop, ch 4, sl st in s c, do not turn.

And you’re almost done your very tiny laundry bag. Your dirty stockings can be tucked out of sight in style, while the rest of your dirty clothes pile up on the bathroom floor, getting soggy and moldy.

3rd Row – 4 s c in 1st loop, 1 s c in each of the next 2 tr c, 2 s c, ch 3, 2 s c in loop of shell, * skip 2 tr c, sl st in next tr c, ch 3, sl st in same space, 2 s c, ch 3, 2 s c in loop of next shell, repeat from * to last shell of 1st side, 1 s c in each of the next 2 tr c of same shell, 4 s c in next loop, s c in s c, 4 s c in next loop, 1 s c in each of the 1st 2 tr c of the next shell, 2 s c, ch 3, 2 s c in loop of same shell, continue all around in same manner ending row to correspond, join, cut thread. Lace ribbon through beading and sew to each end of hoop.

I hope you didn’t use all 4 yards of the ribbon covering up the hoop.

If you did, you’ve only yourself to blame. Because blaming this Gay and Gifty pattern for leading you astray would be both homophobic and giftophobic.

Hosiery Hanger #817

#816 is that “Rose Pot Holder”, which unfortunately is not a device to lovingly suspend Rose Pots up out of harm’s way. Instead it’s a Pot Holder with a large three dimensional rose stuck right in the centre, perfectly placed to make it difficult to grip your pots when you’re removing them from the stove top.

In order to protect you and your loved ones from terrible scalding burns, I’m not including the pattern for the Rose Pot Holder.

You can thank me later. Preferably in small bills, with non-sequential serial numbers.

...* 1 s c in each of the next 4 s c, ch 2, sl st in top of last s c for picot, repeat from * all around, cut yarn.

Attach Cerise between 4th and 5th picots at lower edge, * ch 6, s c in top of 1 side of clothespin pulling loop through the hole of clothespin and also pulling loop up about ½ inch, ch 3, s c through hole at top of opposite side of same clothespin, ch 6, skip 4 picots of last row, sl st between last skipped picot and next picot, repeat from * 5 times, cut yarn.

I’m sure you’re thinking about stopping here, now that the clothespins are attached to the hanger and your stockings can be hung by the commode with care. But don’t do it!

Just imagine how much more heartbreakingly joyless this hanger would be without those little pink – sorry, cerise – flowers festooning it up.

LEAVES: * With Green ch 12, s c in 2nd st from hook, 1 s d c in next st of ch (s d c: yarn over hook, insert in st, pull loop through, yarn over and pull through all loops at one time), 1 d c in each of the next 6 sts, 1 s d c in next st, 1 s c in each of the next 2 sts of ch, do not cut yarn, repeat from * 3 times, cut yarn. Sew on hanger as illustrated having 2 leaves on each side and the 2 flowers in the center.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Imagine giving your best friend a loose pile of thread spools for their birthday. She’d call you an unimaginative cheapskate, you’d tell her off for hitting on your husband, and the party ends in tears and recriminations. But Sally the spool doll transforms your penny-pinching present into a Gift Galore!

Because we all know what a capital “G” Gift is, right ladies?

A Gift is an expression of YOU.

Because everyone’s going to judge YOU based on the quality of your Gift. No pressure!

And what better way is there to express yourself than through hand-made items?

Which you found in a pattern book and then precisely followed the instructions to replicate. Because freedom of expression would lead to anarchy.

Here is a collection of gifts that are suitable for every one on your Birthday, Christmas, and Just-Because-I-Like-You List.

See that lady in the lower right hand corner? She’s totally thrilled that you gave her a doll made out of spools of thread.

Either that, or she’s melting everyone’s brains with her mutant powers of static electricity.

HEAD. Cut 2 oval pieces from any White material about 2 x 3 inches, sew them together leaving about 1 inch open at one end for filling. Fill with cotton.

Hey, the Materials Required list didn’t mention “White material”! Now, if I’m to complete this Gift in time, I have no choice but to assault Canadian actor Ryan Gosling.

Although, I’m quite relieved to find out that Sally is White. I had my fill of racistdollsin February, thank you very much.

With a heavy...

Hand? Heart? Foot on the gas pedal?

...cord...

Oh, that must be the Six Cord mentioned in the materials list! Apparently, the pattern designer doesn’t want me to tear anything else off Mr. Gosling’s body.

...string spool to be used for foot and tie in center of cord. Over the 2 strands of cord string 4 spools.

If you carefully colour-coordinate your spools, Sally could be a Rainbow Pride Spool doll.

To keep your colours straight, just remember “Roy G. Biv” – the Rainbow warrior who defeated Richard of York at the Battle of Wakefield and went on to found the Gay Pride movement!

Right?

String opposite foot and leg in same manner. Tie the 4 strands of cord together in a heavy knot. Run all cords through the Black Aunt Lydia, tie another heavy knot. Run all cords through the White “Star” Six Cord and tie an heavy knot.

Wait a second. If we’re using the White “Star” Six Cord as our doll’s body, that means we’re NOT using it to string Sally’s limbs.

Which means the “heavy cord” mentioned earlier is NOT in the materials list!

The arms are made the same as legs using 1 spool for each hand and 2 spools for each arm. Tie all cords around the last knot so cords cannot go through spool. Sew open section of head around knot. Embroider mouth with Red. Nose and eye brows with Black.

I guess it’s no surprise that red and black embroidery floss wasn’t listed in the materials list, either. Looks like I have no choice but to mug Paul Gross this time.

You hold him down while I grab his lanyard.

Use buttons for eyes as illustrated.

Be sure to exactly copy the look of horror in the doll’s eyes. She knows she’s fated to be dismembered the next time someone needs to reattach a button and there’s no black thread to be found in the sewing box.

Unlike many of my early art projects, at least Sally is useful. She’s made of spools of thread, which will come in handy to repair clothes, string popcorn, and sew up wounds during the zombie apocalypse. And yes, you’ll be wanting to string popcorn during the zombie apocalypse.

Still, if the Gift recipient takes this doll apart to use it, she’ll feel guilty for destroying all the hard work the Gift-giver put into making it. But if she doesn’t use the thread, that means she didn’t appreciate your special Gift.

Hey, Sally Spool just might be the pinnacle of passive-aggressive Gifts!

Collar. Ch 15, and work 2 rows the same as skirt, then working across other side of ch, work 9, ch-3 loops, break yarn.

Pompon. Wind yarn about 25 times over a 2 ½ inch cardboard, remove and tie around center leaving 2 lengths about 2 ½ inches, trim. Make 6 more pompons in same manner.

Earrings. Ch 2, 5 s c in 1st st of ch, break yarn and make another earring in same manner. Attach to side of head.

Place skirt around top of Black spool and sew in place.

Place collar around neck and sew. Using 2 strands of Cotton Yarn, run it through top of head, having about 6 inches at both sides, run strands through last spool from each side and tie at top. Tie 1 pompon at each side of spool at head, one at top of spool. Tie one pompon at each hand and foot.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

And it’s also your duty to love all the bounty Mother Nature provides. And yes, Missy, that includes eating every single one of your vegetables.

What do you mean you don’t like hot peppers?

Don’t you know your Mother lovingly prepared your breakfast burritos by hand? Not only that, she also lovingly crocheted this jalapeño pepper bib, just to keep your clothes – that she sewed for you – clean!

Why can’t you be like Dutifully Beautiful Betty? Sure, she daydreams about cutlery dancing the jitterbug, but at least Betty knows it’s unwise to annoy Mother.

TIE. With White, ch 111 and work same as first row of bib, break thread.
Attach Green and work edge around entire tie, break thread. Work another tie in same manner and sew to each side of neck as illustrated. Ch 150 and work two more ties in same manner. Sew in position at underarm.

CARROT.

Wait, carrots? Not hot peppers?

If you ask me, those things on Dutifully Beautiful Betty’s bib look a lot more like this:

Than this:

With Yellow...

Yellow? YELLOW carrots? Never mind what that says about the freshness of the produce, there’s no way anyone’s going to believe you’re crocheting a carrot.

Except for the eyes and the legs, which are all worked separately. Oh, and every now and then you’ll reach the end of your skein and have to attach a new strand of yarn in order to continue.

So, Mr. Pattern Editor might want to think twice about shouting inaccurate NOTES at us. Because if he does it again, I’ll tell his Mother, and she’ll flatten him.

With Dk. Green ch 30, work 2 s c in 2nd ch from hook, 1 s c in each remaining st to within last st, 2 s c in last st; working on other side of ch, 2 s c in 1st and last st with 1 s c on each st between. Do not join this or following rounds. Place a marker at beg of each round. 2nd ROUND: 1 s c in each s c working 2 s cin each of the 4 inc s c at each end. 3rd ROUND: 1 s c in each s c working the 8 inc sts at each end as follows: inc in every other st. 4th ROUND: Continue in s c inc in every other st at each end in same manner as 3rd round. 5th ROUND: Work even in s c. 6th to 28th ROUNDS: Continue in s c inc as necessary at each end to keep work flat. 29th ROUND: Mark the center st at opposite end of oval, work to within 12 s c of marker, work 1 s c in next s c, 1 s d c in each of the next 2 s c (s d c : Y O insert in st, pull through, Y O and pull through all loops at one time), 1 d c in next st, 1 s d c in each of the next 2 sts, 1 s c in each of the next 13 sts, 1 s d c in next 2 sts, 1 dc in next st, 1 s dc in each of the next 2 sts, 1 s c in next st, 1 s c in each remaining st, sl st in next 2 sts to even round, cut yarn.

After all, what could be more sustainable than dancing on a vintage flattened frog?

HEAD: With Dk. Green ch 2, work 6 s cin 2nd st from hook. Do not join and place a marker at beg of each round. 2nd ROUND: * 3 s c in next s c, 1 s c in next s c, repeat from * twice. 3rd ROUND: 1 s c in next s c, * 3 s c in next s c, 1 s c in each of the next 3 s c, repeat from * once, 3 s c in next s c, 1 s c in each remaining s c. NEXT 5 ROUNDS: Work in s c working 3 s c in center st at inc points. NEXT 2 ROUNDS: Same as previous rounds but work 5 s c in center st at inc points. 11th ROUND: 1 s c in next 2 s c, 1 s d c in next 2 sts, 3 d c in next st (eye), 1 s d c in next 2 sts, 1 s c in each of next 11 sts, 1 s d c in next 2 sts, 3 d c in next st, 1 s d c in next 2 sts, 1 s c in each remaining st working 3 s c in center st at inc points. 13th ROUND: 1 s c in each of the next 6 sts, 1 s d c in each of next 3 sts, 1 s c in each of next 12 sts, 1 s d c in each of next 3 sts, 1 s c in each remaining st working 3 s c in center st at inc points, sl st in next 2 sts to even round, cut yarn leaving a 10 inch length. Mark center st on straight side of this round. Matching center sts sew head in place with overcastting st to 1st section. Work a row of s c all around rug, then work 1 sl st in each s c, join, cut yarn.

Granted, it’s not just by running them over on the highway and turning them into rugs. Still, don’t underestimate Flat Frankie the Frog’s ability to raise awareness.

FRONT LEGS: Work 1 leg following sts outside parentheses and 1 leg following sts inside parentheses. With Fern Green ch 15, 1 s c in 2nd st from hook, 1 s c in each of the next 6 (5) chs, 3 s c in next ch, 1 s c in each of the next 6 (7) chs, ch 1 to turn all rows. 2nd ROW: Working in back loop (on all legs) 1 s c in each of the next 7 (8) sts, 3 s c in next st, 1 s c in next 8 (7) sts. 3rd ROW: 1 s c in next 9 (8) sts, 3 s c in next st, 1 s c in next 8 (9) sts. 4th ROW: 1 s c in next 9 (10) sts, 3 s c in next st, 1 s c in next 10 (9) sts. 5th ROW: 1 s c in next 11 (10) sts, 3 s c in next st, 1 s c in next 10 (11) sts. Do not turn. Work toes as follows: ch 3 sl st in next row, * ch 2, 1 d c in next row, ch 2 sl st in same row, repeat from * once, ch 3, sl st in last st, cut yarn. Work toes at other end of 1st row on 2nd leg.

Now, if crocheting up a dead frog for your child’s room just isn’t enough to show your love for Mother Earth’s tailless amphibians, then you can also hang a frog that’s still desperately clinging to life on your child’s door knob.

BACK LEGS: Ch 30, 1 s c in 2nd st from hook, 1 s c in each of the next 8 chs, 3 s c in next ch, 1 s c in each of the next 19 chs. 2nd ROW: 1 s c in next 20 sts, 3 s c in next st, 1 s c in next 10 sts. 3rd ROW: 1 s c in next 11 sts, 3 s c in next st, 1 s c in next 21 sts. 4th ROW: 1 s c in next 22 sts, 3 s c in next st, 1 s c in next 12 sts. 5th ROW: 1 s c in next 13 s c, 3 s c in next st, 1 s c in next 23 sts, cut yarn. Attach yarn on short end and work toes same as front legs. Work a 2nd leg in same manner but reverse order of starting sts, then complete in same manner as other leg.

EYES: (Work 2). With Fern Green ch 5, work 15 d c in 1st st of ch, join in 5th ch. 2nd ROUND: Working in back loop of sts work in s c inc in every 3rd st, join, cut yarn.

FINISHING: Steam rug. Sew legs in position as illustrated. Sew crocheted eyes in place then cut circles of White felt about ¼ inch less than crocheted circle. Sew in place. Finish eye with pompons.

Even better, place the Frog that Can No Longer Leap rug prominently in your front hall, and dangle the “Save The Earth, Torture a Frog” Door Hanger on your front door.

Not only will this show your commitment to lily pad stewardship today, this decorative theme could also save your life in the not-too-distant future.

POMPON: Wind Fern Green 10 times over a 1 inch cardboard, slip off cardboard, tie in center, cut both ends and trim into shape.

BODY POMPONS: Wind Fern Green 10 times and Dr. Green 10 times over a 3 inch cardboard and complete as above. Work 4, then work 6 in the same manner using Dk. Green only. Attach in place as desired.

After all, Mother always warned you that too much of a good thing could lead to an amphibian apocalypse. So, if the frog-huggers save too many tadpoles we could face a full scale frog invasion of our homes.

In this all too likely scenario, I guarantee that at the first sight of your Frankie the Flattened Frog rug, all the megalomaniacal, mutant froggies WILL leap out of your way.

However, you’ll be on your own with the gators. They’re reptiles, not amphibians.

Monday, April 19, 2010

What better way to show your love for the craft, than to have it inked into your skin? Now you’ll never be separated from your needles, hooks and yarn, no matter what calamity might befall you.

Tsunami soaked all your yarn? You can look at your tattoo and recall happier times as you drape wet skeins over the rubble of your former home. Earthquake buried all your knitting supplies? Well, at least you have a memento to remember them by. Volcano erupted in the middle of your living room? Well... here’s hoping you got out in time and with your skin intact.

For more awesomely crafty ink:

This tattoo has special meaning for Pam of FlintKnits. It’s not only an homage to her favorite craft, it’s also honoring her hometown of Flint Michigan.

See? Michigan is shaped like a mitten (with a lumpy rabbit jumping over it), and the heart on the tattoo marks exactly where Flint would be.

Fantastic!

I don’t know exactly what the symbolism is behind this one, but I adore the little skulls on the ends of her knitting needles.

Very goth! In a bright orangey mum-flower kind of way.

And finally...

Because if you’re going to get a knitting tat, it might as well be seriously bad ass.

No one’s going to mess with this knitter. She’s armed and dangerous!

Yes, dear reader, knitting and crocheting are now officially counter-culture. How does it feel to finally be one of the cool kids?

Friday, April 16, 2010

In today’s weight-obsessed culture, this Hawaiian broom cover is a breath of fresh air. She’s sweeping away preconceived notions about beauty by declaring, “So what if I’m overweight and flat-chested? I’m going to wear a bikini and enjoy my vacation in paradise!”

And good on her!

You too can strike a blow for real women everywhere by making yourself this Hawaiian broom cover. Then hand it to your husband and tell him he can clean up after himself, because you’re packing your bikini and heading down to Hawaii to hula up a storm.

HAIR . . . Starting at center with Dk. Brown, ch 24. Join with sl st to first ch. 1st rnd: Sc in same place as sl st in each ch around. Join. 2nd rnd: Sc in same place as sl st, half dc in next sc, dc in next sc, 2 tr in each of next 6 sc, dc in next sc, half dc in next sc, sc in next 2 sc, half dc in next sc, dc in next sc, 2 tr in each of next 6 sc, dc in next sc, half dc in next sc, sc in last sc. Join (36 sts). 3rd rnd: Ch 3, dc in each st around. Join. 4th rnd: Sc in same place as sl st, * dec 1 sc – to dec 1 sc, work off 2 sc as 1 sc – sc in next st. Repeat form * around (24 sc). 5th rnd: Sc in same place as sl st and in each sc around. Join to front loop of first sc. Now work as follows: (Pull loop on hook out to measure ¾ inch, thread over and draw loop through, insert hook between single and double loops and draw a loop through, thread over and draw through 2 loops on hook – knot st made – make another knot st, sc in front loop of next sc) 13 times. Break off.

Feel free to make this a Hawaiian Homer Simpson broom cover instead. All you have to do is start with Dk. Yellow and make the top of the head smooth. Skip the purple colour changes and you’re good to go!

Coconut shells not included.

HEAD . . . 1st rnd: Attach Dk. Yellow to back loop of any sc on last rand and, working in back loop only, sc in each sc around. 2nd rens: Sc in each sc around. Repeat 2nd rnd until Head measures 1 inch.

SHOULDERS . . . 1st rnd: Sc in first sc, * 2 sc in next sc (1 sc increased), sc in next sc. Repeat from * around (36 sc). 2nd rnd: Inc 12 sc evenly around. 3rd rnd: Sc in each sc around. Repeat last 2 rnds 2 more times. Work without increasing until piece measures 1 ¾ inches from edge of hair. Mark off 11 sc in each side of shoulders for arms. Next rnd: Sc in each sc to first marker, ch 5, skip 11 marked sc, sc in next sc and in each remaining sc around. Join. Following rnd: Sc in each sc and in each ch around. Join and break off.

This broom cover will also give you an excellent excuse for putting off Spring Cleaning.

“But, darling, I can’t sweep the porch with naked brooms! What would the neighbours think?”

BODY . . . 1st rnd: Attach Shaded Dk. Purple to any sc on last rnd, ch 3, dc in each sc around. Join. 2nd, 3rd and 4th rnds: Ch 3, dc in each sc around. Join. Break off at end of 4th rnd. 5th rnd: Attach Yellow to same place as sl st, sc in same place and in back loop of each dc around. 6th to 9th rnds incl: Sc in each sc around. Join. Break off at end of 9th rnds. 10th to 13th rnds incl: Attach Shaded Purple and work as for 1st to 4th rnds incl. 14th rnd: Sc in each sc around. Break off.

ARM . . . 1st rnd: Attach Yellow to any sc on shoulder, sc in each sc and in each ch of armhole. 2nd rnd: Sc in each sc around. Repeat 2nd rnd until Arm measures 2 inches from edge of body. Next rnd: Dec 4 sc evenly around. Work without decreasing until Arm measures 2 ¾ inches in all from edge of Body. Break off. Complete other Arm the same way.

True, this Hawaiian broom cover is showing off her bare shoulders. But I’ll forgive this risqué behaviour, because it’s always extremely hot in Hawaii.

SKIRT . . . Cut a piece of cardboard 3 x 4 ½ inches. Cut a strand of Shaded Green 5 yards long. Working with main Shaded Green, wind thread 3 times around 4 ½ inch width of cardboard. Attach 5-yard strand to the 3 strands on cardboard, wind main thread 3 more times around cardboard. Repeat from * until Skirt is long enough to fit around whisk broom.
Sew Skirt to lower edge of Body. Embroider mouth and eyes. Sew sequins in place. Stuff arms with cotton. Slip cover over whisk broom. Stuff upper front of body with cotton. Sew up opening in hair. Trim ends of Skirt evenly.

You could probably save yourself several hours of frustratingly fussy work if you skipped the skirt entirely. Just tell your neighbours your hula gal is wearing a grass skirt.

Now slip the entire creation over your whisk broom. Discover to your dismay that the pattern didn’t provide any way for the metal loop at the top of the broom handle to poke through the hula gal’s head, as in the illustration. Decide it doesn’t matter and try to use the broom anyway. Realize that all the excess fabric bunched up around the handle makes it hopelessly awkward to sweep with.

Decide it doesn’t matter anyway again, because this exercise was never about producing a useful household cleaning tool. It was about Spring Cleaning procrastination... ahem, breaking free of society’s youth-and-beauty-obsessed shackles.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Actually, today is when Hawaiians honour the heroic life of Father Damien, who vastly improved the lives of lepers banished to Molokai Island during the 1800s. Who cares about some 19th century leper priest, you ask? I’ll have you know that Saint Damien of Molokai’s fans include Robert Louis Stevenson, Mahatma Gandhi, and the people of Belgium who recently voted him De Grootste Belg AKA The Greatest Belgian!

Thankfully, the editor of Quick Tricks decided to encourage the 1968 housewife to make something more useful than a clown to store mothballs (I kid you not). So, now I’ve learned that leprosy isn’t the highly communicable scourge that people feared for thousands of years. In fact, 95% of the world’s population is immune to leprosy and effective treatments for the disease have been available since 1982. Which means Thomas Covenant owes Lord Foul an apology for the events of White Gold Wielder – I mean, today is a day to celebrate the end of ignorance and a brighter future for those afflicted with the disease.

For the complete pattern (and more leprous commentary!):

Leper Bandage A-745

The approved bandage that church groups make to send to leper colonies.

Accept no substitutes!

CLARK’S ANCHOR CRONITA: 2 balls of No. 1 White.

Millard “Disc” Knit Needles 1 pair No. 12 (2.50mm.).

Cast on 25 sts.

1st row: Sl first st as if to purl, knit to end of row.

Repeat first row until only 1 yard of thread remains on second ball. Bind off.

Now, it’s true that leper colonies are mostly a thing of the past, but Father Damien is also the patron saint of AIDS and HIV patients and all other outcasts. Which means the endangered April Fish of Antwerp counts.

So, you’ve got plenty of time to knit or crochet up something for charity to mark Father Damien’s worldwide feast day on May 15th.

Just don’t make anyone a Mothball Clown, or Father Cyberman will make you pay!

Monday, April 12, 2010

Loop the Loop Hat from “Easy to Make Fashions for the North, South, East, West”, c. 1960

Is your teenage daughter doing nothing but lying around the house, iPod stuck in one ear, cell phone glued to the other? Are you sick and tired of having to spring clean around her, feeling like you’re nothing but a maid to her?

Despair no more! Your lazy bones daughter can be useful.

Simply crochet up one of these easy-as-pie hats, and use your teen as a dust mop!

I’m disappointed that the pattern designer limited herself to just three abbreviations. Think of how much ink she could have saved if she’d written: Chain (ch) 24, 1 single crochet (sc) in 2nd stitch (st) from (fm) hook (hk), 1 sc in each (ea) remaining (rem) st of ch, ch 1, turn (tn).

Clearly, this woman does not love the environment the way I do!

2nd ROW: * Working in back loop of st only, 1 sc in next sc, working in front loop of st only, 1 sc in next sc, repeat from * across row, ch 1, turn. Repeat 2nd row until section measures 20 inches or head size required, cut yarn leaving an end. Thread into needle and sew seam, sewing 1st st in back loop of st, then 1 st in front loop of st across row, cut yarn.

Why, I bet she uses harsh chemical cleaners on her home instead of all natural water and vinegar.

CROWN: Ch 4 and work 11 double crochet (dc) in 1st st of ch, join in 4th st of ch. 2nd and 3rd ROUNDS: Ch 3 (counts as 1 dc), 1 dc in same space, 2 dc in each dc, join in 3rd st of ch. 4th ROUND: Ch 3, * 2 dc in next dc, 1 dc in next dc, repeat from * all around ending with 2 dc in last dc, join in 3rd st of ch, do not cut yarn. Pin Crown in position then crochet both sections together with a row of sc, join, ch 3 turn. 2nd ROUND: 2 dc in 1st sc, skip 2 sc, sc in next sc, * ch 3, 2 dc in same space, skip 2 sc, sc in next sc, repeat from * all around, join, cut yarn.

A word to the wise – when cleaning house, do not substitute cider vinegar for white vinegar. Your husband will wonder why everything smells like rotten apples.

And Red Wine Vinegar is no good either. That’ll get you a reputation as a lush.

BOWS: Cut remainder of Wild Rows and skein of Med. Wild Rose into 1 yard lengths. Fold in 3rds, insert hook through any part of side section, draw yarn through, and tie in a bow. Continue with bows until Side Section and Crown are covered mixing colors as illustrated.

Of course, if you go outside wearing one of these Loop the Loop hats, you’ll gain a reputation as a loopy dame. And your teenage daughter will refuse to be seen with you.

But don’t worry. At least one member of your family will provide moral support, no matter what you wear in public.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Stop and Go Shoe Socks and Hair Do’s from “Socks and Mittens for the Family”, 1941

Mother made her children stand in a line at the end of the kitchen, all of them wearing their new Stop and Go shoe-socks. “We’re going to play a game,” she announced cheerfully to her girls. “When I say ‘go’ you begin sliding your feet around on the floors until I call ‘stop’. It’ll be grand fun!”

The younger girls happily agreed, but the eldest, Petunia, was suspicious.

“Now, wait just one moment while I get the floor wax,” Mother added. “It’ll make you slide faster.”

“Nonsense, Petunia,” said Mother, handing her eldest a pair of fluffy ‘Hair-Do’s’. “But if you’re not going to play our game, you have to wear these. Now, go stand in that cobwebby corner and shake your head at us. Vigorously. ”

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

STOP AND GO SOCKS

Sizes 8 ½ to 11

See Size Chart on Page 23

I’m not claiming that the very first time I tried to encode tables I crashed Blogger’s main server. I’m sure that was a coincidence. Nevertheless, it’s only prudent to put the Medium and Large sizes in brackets, rather than try to recreate the original formatting of this pattern.

Join, being careful not to twist. Work around in ribbing of k 1, p 1 for 2’’. Change to No. 11 needles and knit 1 rnd, decreasing 8 sts evenly around. Work in stockinette stitch (k each round) over these 48 sts (52 sts, 56 sts) until piece measures, in all 6 ½’’ (7’’, 7 ½’’).

Turn and work over the heel sts only in stockinette stitch (p 1 row, k 1 row) for 2 ½’’. Bind off. Using only 1 needle, pick up along edge of heel 14 sts (15 sts, 16 sts). Place marker. Knit across instep sts; place another marker and pick up along other side of heel 14 sts (15 sts, 16 sts).

Measuring from last st on needle, mark off 5’’ of yarn. Double the yarn at this point and knot the doubled end, making a loop 1 ½’’ long. Measure off 5’’ from knot and make another loop the same way (knots will be about 3’’ apart). Continue to make knots and loops in the same way until about 20 loops are made. Cut through loops and work as follows: 1st row: Knit across, having all ends on one side of work. 2nd row: Knit until you reach a knot; then p 1 st, thus making the ends fall on the same side as previous ends. Repeat these 2 rows alternately, always making loops as before and working until piece measures, in all 8 ½’’ (9 ½’’, 10 ½’’). Bind off.

With Green, make corresponding sole.

Draw the word “STOP” on tissue paper, baste to sock and embroider with double strand of Scarlet in chain stitch. On other sick, place the word “GO” and embroider in Green. Sew sock to sole on all sides, having the Scarlet sole on “STOP” sock and the Green sole on “GO” sock.

Nowadays, all the cool kids are experimenting with Swiffering.

But can a Swiffer teach your children how to read while keeping your floors dust free? Does a Swiffer use clever embroidery to ensure your child knows that green means go and red means stop?

No! Swiffer wants your children to be illiterate, and get run over by a bus! So, it’s high time to STOP mocking this pattern, and GO make a pair of these practical, educational and fashionable shoe-socks.

With Scarlet and No. 11 needles, cast on 20 sts. Work in loop stitch as for sole of sock for 3’’. Bind off. Make corresponding ornament with Green. Sew corners together on wrong side and fasten to hair with bobby pins.

That’s right, these aren’t wilted pompons or dead Tribbles. They’re Hair Ornaments. In fact, they’re called Hair Do’s, so you can be confident that these loopy dust catchers are a Fashion Do not a Fashion Don’t.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Barbara was a professional. She could cope with modeling a coat made from the itchiest wool imaginable. She could cope with sharing the spotlight with a spoiled rotten little dog. However, what really burned Barbara’s cookies was the fashion photographer’s bright idea to flip the ends of her hair up, so she looked just like the cutesy canine.

“Everyone knows dog owners resemble their dogs,” said the photographer. “Like the fat man with a bulldog, or the classy French dame with her poodle. Can you dig it?”

No, Barbara did not dig it. But Barbara was a professional. And she owed a month’s rent to her landlord and the only thing in her fridge was half a tub of yogurt.

So she plastered a smile on her face and thought, “They can make me sit next to it, but they can’t make me touch it!”

Yes, Antique Gold AKA Harvest Gold. A very popular colour in the sixties, as evidenced by this home decorating ad.

Matching her dress to her kitchen wallpaper was a hip trend for the happening housewife of the 1960s. And it was practical, too! When her husband and children come charging home demanding to be fed, she quickly freezes and becomes one with the wallpaper.

Starting at neck edge with Opal Blue ch 160, s c in 2nd ch from hook, 1 s c in each of the next 2 sts, * skip 2 sts, 1 s c in each of the next 2 sts, 3 s c in next st, 1 s c in each of the next 2 sts, repeat from * across ch ending to correspond, ch 1, turn. 2nd ROW: Working in back loop of sts throughout dec 1 st (to dec: insert hook in st, pull yarn through, insert hook in next st, pull yarn through, Y O and work off all loops at one time), s c in next s c, * 3 s c in next s c, 1 s c in each of the next 2 s c, skip next 2 s c, 1 s c in each of the next 2 s c, repeat from * across row ending to correspond dec 1 st at end of row, drop Opal Blue ((when changing color always complete last half of st with next color), attach Sand, ch 1, turn. Repeat 2nd row throughout working in following color scheme: next 2 rows Sand, next 2 rows Antique Gold and next 2 rows Opal Blue increasing in 1st row of each 4th stripe until there are 3 increase stripes. (Inc. Row: work in same manner but work 2 s c in s c before the center st of point, 3 s c in point and 2 s c in next s c after point). NEXT 6 ROWS: Work even. NEXT ROW: Start separation for Body Sections and Sleeves: Work in pattern inc over 1st 4 points (front), ch 15, skip next 4 points (sleeve), work inc. across next 7 points (back), ch 15, skip next 4 points (sleeve), work inc over last 4 points (front). NEXT ROW: Work even across all sts and chs (17 points). Continue even in pattern and color scheme for 30 inches or length desired from underarm, cut yarn.

I must confess that I’ve taken a significant liberty with these patterns. They were originally written as an indigestible block of text without so much as a single line break. For my own sanity, I’ve inserted the occasional double space.

SLEEVES: Working on opposite side of underarm ch, attach yarn and work in pattern across ch and free points (5 points). NEXT 4 ROWS: Work even in pattern and color scheme. NEXT ROW: With same color as last row work in pattern, cut yarn. Sew sleeve seams, with matching colors.

FRONT BORDER: With Antique Gold starting at lower edge of right front work 2 s c over each stripe to top of 1st point at neck edge, 2 s c in point, then 2 s c in each remaining point, work down other edge to correspond to opposite edge, cut yarn, do not turn. NEXT 2 ROWS: Working in back loop of sts work 1 s c in each s c in each row, cut yarn. Work in pattern across lower edge of coat, cut yarn.

Besides, without the occasional break, you could get confused and end up with a Front Border on your Sleeves!

Now, I don’t want to claim I’m saving you from a fate worse than death, but you know I am.

LINING: See page 29 – 2nd column.

Lining for Coat – shown on cover

LINING: Fold coat in half with fold to center back, then fold again with fold at underarm. Cut a paper pattern for back and half of sleeve allowing about 1 inch for seams and fullness. Cut pattern for front and other half of sleeve allowing about 2 inches for seams and fullness. Place pattern on material center back on fold. Cut pattern pieces from material and seam. Steam seams. Place lining in coat, allow to hang, then baste in place along front edge easing to coat. Slash at neck edge and underarm. Quilt to coat at 3 inch intervals in entire coat. Cut points along hemline and cuffs and stitch in place. Sew lining in position.

I call shenanigans! The coat on the cover clearly doesn’t have a lining.

No wonder Barbara looks so stiff and unlifelike. She’s frozen in place!

Directions are given for a 14 inch length. 19 inch length given in parentheses.

If you thought the instructions for Babs’ coat were bad, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.

With Opal Blue ch 48 (69). Work 1st 2 rows same as Coat in this page but join all rows and ch 1 to turn each row. NEXT 6 (8) ROWS: Repeat the 2nd row of coat following the same color scheme. 9th (11th) ROW: Same as inc row of coat. NEXT 4 (6) ROWS: Work even. 14th (18th) ROW: START LEG OPENINGS: With Opal Blue (Antique Gold) work across 1st 1 (2) points. There are 9 (18) sts, ch 1, turn. NEXT 1 (3) ROWS: Work even dec 1 st beg and end of row, cut yarn (side section), turn. Skip next 11 s c of last long row for leg opening, attach Opal Blue (Antique Gold) in next s c, s c in same space, 1 s c in each of the next 2 s c, * 3 s c in next s c, 1 s c in each of the next 3 s c, repeat from * once (twice), 3 s c in next s c, 1 s c in each of the next 3 s c, ch 1, turn. NEXT 1 (3) ROWS: Work in pattern across these sts dec 1 st at beg and end of each row (back section), cut yarn, turn. Skip next 11 sts of last long row, attach yarn in next s c, work side to correspond to 1st side, cut yarn, turn. 16th (22nd) ROW: Attach Sand (Sand) in 1st s c, working across all sections dec in 1st 2 sts of 1st section, then work across 1st section ending with 1 s c in each of the last 4 s c, ch 7, s c in 1st s c of back section, 1 s c in each of the next 3 s c, continue in pattern across back section ending with 1 s c in each of the last 4 sts, ch 7, s c in 1st st of other side section, 1 s c in each of the next 3 s c, 3 s c in next s c, continue in pattern across section dec in last 2 sts, ch 1, join, turn. NEXT 10 (14) ROWS: Working over ch in 1st row work in pattern following color scheme and joining each round. 27th (37th) ROW: Work even in pattern but do not join, ch 1, turn. NEXT 5 ROWS: Repeat last row. 33rd (43rd) ROW: Dec in 1st 2 sts, dec in next 2 sts, work in pattern across row ending to correspond, ch 1, turn. 34th (44th) ROW: Dec in 1st 2 sts, dec in next 2 sts, 1 s c in each of the next 3 s c, skip next 2 s c, 1 s c in each of the next 3 s c, 3 s c in next s c, continue across row in pattern ending to correspond, ch 1, turn. 35th (45th) ROW: Dec in 1st 2 sts, 1 s c in each of the next 2 s c, skip next 2 s c, 1 s c in each of the next 3 s c, continue across row in pattern ending to correspond, ch 1, turn. 36th (46th) ROW: Dec in 1st 2 sts, skip next 2 s c, 1 s c in each of the next 3 s c, continue across row in pattern ending to correspond, ch 1, turn. 37th (47th) ROW: Dec in 1st 2 sts, dec in next 2 sts, s c in next s c, 3 s c in next s c, continue in pattern across row ending to correspond, cut yarn. With wrong side of work toward you attach Opal Blue (Antique Gold) at separation, sl st in each row, work in pattern across the s c, sl st in each row on opposite side, join, cut yarn.

Handmade by Mother accepts no responsibility for eye strain, double vision or seizures resulting from attempts to follow this pattern.

LEG SECTION FOR SMALL SIZE: Work as follows: with right side of work and center seam toward you and neck edge to top, attach Opal Blue in 1st Sand row of leg opening to right of seam, 2 s c in same space, 2 s c in next Opal Blue row, skip next 2 s c, 1 s c in each of the next 3 s c, 3 s c in center st of point, 1 s c in each of the next 3 s c, skip next 2 s c, 3 s c over side of Blue row, 3 s c in Sand row (inc point), s c in next Sand row, 1 s c at base of next 2 sts, skip next 2 sts, 1 s c in each of the next 2 sts, 2 s c in next st, join, ch 1 to turn each row. NEXT ROW: With Sand 2 s c in 1st s c, 1 s c in each of the next 2 s c, * skip next 2 s c, 1 s c in each of the next 3 s c, 3 s c in next s c, 1 s c in each of the next 3 s c, repeat from * once, skip next 2 s c, 1 s c in each of the next 2 s c, 2 s c in next s c, ch 1, turn. Repeat last row once. NEXT ROW: 1 s c in each of the 1st 3 s c, * skip next 2 s c, sc in next s c, dec in next 2 s c, 3 s c in next s c, dec in next 2 s c, s c in next s c, repeat from * once, skip next 2 s c, 1 s c in each of the next 3 sts. NEXT ROW: 1 s c in each of the next 2 s c, * skip next 2 s c, 1 s c in each of the next 2 sts, 3 s c in next s c, 1 s c in each of the next 2 sts, repeat from * once, skip next 2 s c, 1 s c in each of the next 2 sts. NEXT ROW: 2 s c in 1st s c, * skip next 2 s c, 1 s c in each of the next 2 s c, 3 s c in next s c, 1 s c in each of the next 2 s c, repeat from * once, skip next 2 s c, 2 s c in next s c. NEXT ROW: Sl st loosely in each st, join, cut yarn. Work other leg but start at end of 1st row and work to beg of row. Work remainder of leg in same manner.

I’m impressed by how much more complicated the dog’s coat is compared to the woman’s. Clearly, people who love their dogs are willing to put far more work into them, than they are into themselves!

LEG SECTION FOR LARGE SIZE: With right side of work and center seam toward you and neck edge to top attach Antique Gold in 1st Sand row of leg opening to right of seam, 2 s c in same row, 2 s c in next row, 3 s c in next Opal Blue row (inc point), 2 s c in next row, s c in next s c, skip 1 s c, 1 s c in each of the next 3 s c, 3 s c in center st of point, 1 s c in each of the next 3 s c, skip 1 s c, s c in next s c, 2 s c in next Opal Blue row, 3 s c in next row (inc point) , 2 s c in next row, s c in next row, 1 s c in base of the next 3 sts, 3 s c in next st, 1 s c in base of next 3 sts, join in 1st s c. NEXT 7 ROWS: Work in pattern. NEXT ROW: Sl st in each st, join, cut yarn. Work other leg in same manner but start at the end of 1st row and work to beg of row. Work remainder of leg in same manner.

COLLAR: (Both sizes) With wrong side of work toward you attach Antique Gold in joining at neck edge, 3 s c in same space, working on opposite side of starting ch, * 2 s c in next st, 1 s c in next st, ch 2, skip next st, s c in next s c, 2 s c in next st, 3 s c over next ch 2, repeat from * all around omitting the 3 s c group in last repeat, join, ch 1, turn. NEXT ROW: 1 s c in each of the next 3 s c, * skip next ch 2, 1 s c in each of the next 4 s c, 3 s c in next s c, 1 s c in each of the next 4 s c, repeat from * across row ending to correspond, join, cut yarn.

POMPONS: Make 1 of each color. Wind yarn 50 times over a ¾ inch cardboard. Tie one end, cut other end. Trim into shape. Tie tog and fasten to sweater as illustrated.

This would be a far more helpful instruction if there were any visible pompons on the dog’s sweater.

Jibber is an appropriate name for this pointless bit of doggy frippery. According to the Random House dictionary, “to jib” means to “stop short and turn restively from side to side; balk.” Which is exactly what any sensible dog would do the moment you tried to tie one of these to his head.

With Opal Blue ch 20 and work same as Dog Sweater on page 2. Repeat 2nd row of coat 19 times. 21st ROW: * S c in center st of next point, repeat from * twice, sl st in end st, ch 1, turn. 22nd ROW: 1 s c in each st, ch 1, turn. 23rd ROW: Keeping loops on hook 1 s c in each s c, yarn over and work off all loops at one time, ch 1 to tighten st, cut yarn. With right side of 1st row toward you attach Opal Blue in 1st st at opposite end, s c in same space, * s c in next point, repeat from * once, s c in end st, ch 1, turn. Complete end in same manner as opposite end.

Also, please note that there are no actual photos of the dog wearing this jibber. I suspect that the poor wardrobe lady who tried to tie it onto him ended up in the emergency room.

No wonder Barbara wouldn’t lay a hand on this killer canine.

POMPON: Same as Dog sweater. Sew to jibber as illustrated.

TIES: (Make 2) Cut two 1 yd. lengths of Opal Blue. Work same as ties of Dog sweater. Attach to each end of jibber.

Now grab your camera and take a picture of your dog before she jibbers her way out of the jibber.

What madness is this?

This blog is the result of a near OCD compulsion to transcribe - and mock! - vintage patterns, ads, and other odds and sods. And you, dear reader, are the fortunate beneficiary.

Every month you will discover new patterns from the past century. These are the vintage gems that generations of women have inflicted upon husbands, children and themselves.

You are cordially invited to recreate these products of subconscious hostility and not-so-passive aggression. Send photos of the results to victoriadunnwrites (at) hotmail (dot) com, and I will be delighted to mock them for you.