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I ambled in the sunlight one dreary afternoon
Whilst walked I hummed a little tune
I was out picking berries
The fields were not my own
I passed beside a deep ravine
I heard a feeble groan
I pricked my ears and listened
I heard the groan once more
It sounded like a woman
I ‘oped she was an ‘ore!

With great anticipation
I scrambled down the hill
I fancied her a strumpet
With whom I’d have my will
I fancied her a young lass
Dressed up in silk and lace
With tightly muscled buttocks
And a little angel face!

But when I reached the bottom
Much to my dismay
My eyes beheld a withered hag
Putrid, bent and fay.

Her teeth were like big iron spikes
Like dead fishies she did smell
Nothing less she seemed to be
Than a demon straight from Hell!

With eyes like bleeding ulcers
Her skin all mottled green and
The firmest pair of buxom breasts
That I have ever seen!

I knew I had to have her
As at meself she grinned
I knew until I’d had this witch
I’d never truly sinned!

“I need a man!”

The maiden moaned
She very nearly cried
So I sharpened up my loinsword
And thrust it deep inside!

I pulled her close
I held her tight
I pushed in to the hilt
The next thing that she said to me
Would have made a sane man wilt.

She bucked and pitched
She twitched and quaked
Her eyes grew blank and vague
She smiled around her rusting teeth
Then said, “My lord, I’ve got the plague.
I’ve diphtheria and tetanus
I’ve got cholera! The flu!
And now my sweet perverted monk
I’ve given them to you!”

She must have thought her illness
Would fill my heart with fright
“What a lovely way to die!” sez I
Then stabbed with all my might!

I rode that wench all evening
Til the rising of the moon and
To every illness she possessed
I became immune!

I’ve wandered on these many years
There’s no disease I’ve feared
As for that maiden,
Well, she came…
Then disappeared.