Of Pain And The Journey

I am not an expert on pain. I am not even sure I have a very high tolerance for pain. My experience has largely been within the protective circle of a loving family and the doctrines of the Mormon Church. I have never drunk alcohol. I have never had coffee but I frequently dance on the edge by drinking caffeinated sodas. I served an honorable mission and married far above myself in the Los Angeles Temple. I have five beautiful, healthy children who have all excelled and are on pace to be better men and women than I. I have no room to complain about life and you could say that my life has been blessed.

As members of the Church we have beautiful ideals that we live by. The Proclamation on the Family is a powerful statement of these ideals. Joseph Smith restored marriage from an earthly tradition to an eternal covenant that sealed not just a husband and wife to each other, but also to the family of God. Our Mormon ideals don’t just target heaven, but we target the highest degree of the highest, bestest (Celestial) kingdom.

There is truth and protection in obedience to commandments that are designed for our happiness and safety. Certainly, obedience can save us from much pain and suffering. We have high standards and in the last generation we have ‘raised the bar’. We model modesty and our clean cut missionaries circle the globe on bikes. Mormons are renowned for actually living what they believe. These are all amazing, wonderful things.

A year and a half ago, through the grace of a loving God, my wife and I discovered that our oldest son, Jordan, is gay. He was alone and struggling with the complexity of an issue that has confounded prophets and driven countless tender souls to take their own lives. My son felt the need to hide these new feelings to avoid ridicule and scorn. Any yet even that act of self-preservation made him question whether his friends would still be his friends if they truly knew him. And deeper still he lived with the fear that his family would reject him, that the Church he had been raised in would reject him and that he would be truly alone.

You see, five years ago I went from house to house advocating for Prop 8 in California. Of course, I took time to review and study my religious ideals to come to a firm conviction that what I was doing was right. Ultimately, I felt that the path my religion offered provided a better, happier path in life. Stepping off that path has significant consequences that lead to heartache and unhappiness. I felt that the “Traditional Family” is one of the most important things in this world, and worth defending and protecting.

What my then 9 year old son understood is that his family had no tolerance for gay people. That gay people were lesser, deviant and chose evil. He was suffering and in pain. We were blessed that the Lord led us to understand what he was going through. We were blessed that as parents we have been able to lift him up, support him and shield him.

But, oh the pain that life can inflict. We were quickly acquainted with the persecution and intolerance that high ideals and perfection can breed. We became familiar with the pain and stories of families broken by the suicide of a loved one. We became familiar with the devastation of unyielding Mormon parents who threw their children out of their homes. We became familiar with the tales of depression, drug and alcohol abuse, sexual abuse, promiscuity and porn. We heard the tales of the AIDS epidemic wiping out men and women in their prime.

As parents, there is a deep pain that you can’t avoid. You mourn for the life you dreamed of for your child. You envision peace and growth, happiness and success. With a Mormon boy you expect the priesthood, mission, college, marriage, fatherhood and a future, young blossoming family. For a Mormon you feel the eternal repercussions of lost opportunity.

Yet in our Mormon mindsets of perfection and purity, we often see only failure when expectations are not met. Such was our initial feelings of loss when our son came out. To be completely honest, there may always be an ache in my heart for what I wanted for my son. But that is pain set to teach me.

In Mormon lore there is a great visual dream from a Book of Mormon prophet. He sees a straight and narrow path that leads to the Tree of Life. There is an iron rod the length of the path that we can hold to representing the scriptures. Around the path is treacherous terrain with a deep gorge, a dangerous river and a mist of darkness, shrouding our sight. A mighty building holds people who mock and deride those trying to get to the Tree of Life. It is taught that holding to the rod and staying on the straight and narrow path is the safest and only path to the tree.

The man who spends his whole life on the straight and narrow path will never have the empathy or compassion for those traveling in the mist of darkness. We always figuratively see letting go of the iron rod as sinning or rejecting the commandments. Yet there are many who never find the iron rod or have opportunity to travel the straight and narrow path. Life is lived for most of us in the mist of darkness. In paraphrasing an old J. Golden Kimball quote, “I didn’t always stay on the straight and narrow path, but I crossed it as often I could (paraphrasing from memory).”

Might I suggest for those of us who have been blessed to travel for a time on the straight and narrow path that letting go of the iron rod and stepping off the path might have another purpose. Hopefully, I can illustrate this with my own personal experience. Five years ago when I advocated for Prop 8, I didn’t know one gay person (that I knew of). In my insulated society, I could only see my friends as we traveled the straight and narrow path to a Prop 8 victory.

What I couldn’t see was that my son was not on the path with me. Yet from the moment I knew my son for who he is, I have run to him and our family has rallied around him. But from the straight and narrow path, all my friends saw was me disappearing into the mist. And what they did not see from their vantage was that my son’s life was in danger. Many, I am sure think we are lost.

But oh, what we have found! In the bruising, painful journey to find our son, we have arrived at a place where multitudes look and search for the Tree of Life, but have been rejected from the known paths that might take them there. Many are wounded deep in their hearts by wounds only those close to them could inflict. And as we came to where they were, we got to know them. And in the knowing, I began to gain a love and appreciation for them. I began to recognize their worth to the Savior and to their Heavenly Father. I began to realize that you cannot help those lost and in pain by standing still on the straight and narrow path.

You need to go to where they are. You can’t just preach and yell and shame them back to the straight and narrow path. Go to them. Protect them from those that would mistreat or demean them. Walk a mile in their shoes. Use what you have learned from the scriptures to raise them up. You don’t need to compromise your ideals to go to them. Lead with your compassion. Your purity will not be sullied by proximity. If we truly are men and women of God and have the Gift of the Holy Ghost, let us lift up those in need.

“And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind….And He will take upon him death….That He may know according to the flesh how to succor His people according to their infirmities.” (Alma 7: 11-12).

Our Savior did not stand idly by while others suffered around him. He didn’t just heal them of their infirmities. He suffered with them. He endured pain. He endured afflictions and temptations to be with them. Ultimately he suffered death. And the purpose of that pain was that He might know how to succor his people.

It wasn’t until I shared the pain of others that I found the compassion and mercy necessary to be with them. I have found that I have not compromised my ideals, beliefs or disregarded the commandments on my journey. I have found that the pain I have endured has awakened a compassion in me and a love for people I had never known before. I still know exactly where the straight and narrow path is, but my primary concern is not how to get myself there. The Lord has led me to where I am now. My greater concern is how to get all those I have grown to love, not necessarily just to the path, but to the Tree of Life. Who knows, it might be just beyond that rainbow.

TOM MONTGOMERY has been writing on the intersection of LDS and LGBT issues since 2012. He was an active member of the LDS Church until 2016. His journey covers going door-to-door in support of Prop 8 in California to having a great love for the LGBT Mormon community. He says that his single qualification to be in this esteemed company of authors is the privilege of being the father of a wonderful gay son. This has been a very spiritual journey. His greatest priority is being 100% supportive of the health and well-being of LGBT Mormon youth and adults in or out of Mormonism.
Tom has written articles for Rational Faiths (http://rationalfaiths.com/author/thomas-montgomery/) and No More Strangers (http://www.nomorestrangers.org/grace/).

What a beautiful article!!! THank you for sharing it!! I am convinced that what you are doing is a very important part of remaining on that straight and narrow path. Like you said, none of us can reach the tree of life standing still or living in a protected bubble. The whole point is to lose ourselves in the service and love of others.

Do you hold out hope that members of the Church will change their views in the near future? Prior to your son coming out, did any arguments tempt you to abandon your homophobic viewpoints and support of Prop. 8? If so, what were they? — only if you feel like sharing. Many of us are trying to crack the code.

One thing I have observed over the short 18 months since my son came out is that many theological things can not be rationally or logically explained without experience, the Spirit or a catalyst. In my insulated world, I had no association or any real knoweldge of gay people. I wrote an article this year on nomorestrangers.org called ‘The Catalyst’ disussing that very subject.

Just a point of clarification that really bugs me. Not everyone who opposes gay marriage is homophobic. Perhaps some are. Perhaps many are.

But I speak for me when I tell you that believing marriage should be between one man and one woman doesn’t mean I don’t love and support others who are gay. It doesn’t mean we shouldn’t have compassion on them. Frankly I am very libertarian about sexually meaning I don’t go around telling others I am straight because I don’t care who people choose to sleep with. We don’t wear some patch like the star of David that tells others we are gay or straight. I am more concerned about others who are kind, polite, considerate, versus those who are jerks.

So please don’t assume that every prop 8 supporter is some sort of homophobic zealot who hates gay people. It’s just not the case.

Thank you for your heartfelt, honest, and moving vision of hope, love, and struggle. I have no one in my family with your struggles, but have found out that even being an advocate has its consequences with priesthood leaders prone to perfectionism and purity. I have my struggles with all of it. I applaud your courage, and find some validation and peace from your sharing your pain and joy in this struggle. God bless you and your family.

Wonderful article- thank you so much! My oldest son is a freshman at BYU and considers himself bisexual. He has struggled with this for years. He wants so badly to have the gospel in his life and is trying to stay faithful. His first experience at BYU was rejection- his assigned roommate (whon he had met in person over the summer) found out that my son is bi and switched dorms.He feels like he is different than everyone else at BYU and is terrified to be open about who he is. There is a LGBT group at BYU. Is there any online or other support groups for parents that are going through this? I refuse to shun my child because of who he is- I will love and support him no matter what. But I wouldlove to be able to talk to other families who have gone through this- it’s a little lonely!!

Becky, if I could recommend 3 things: the LDS Family Fellowship Group for community (Friend request Wendy Montgomery-my wife- and she can add you), http://www.nomorestrangers.org (For guidance and inspiration from a wide array of LDS people who have been there), and the Family Acceptance Project (http://familyproject.sfsu.edu/) for excellent information that fits seemlessly with the gospel.

Hi Becky – I don’t know where you live, but I live in Sandy, Utah. I am a member of the Board for LDS Family Fellowship which is a service organization with a diverse collection of Mormon families engaged in the cause of strengthening families with homosexual members. My husband and I have been involved in this organization for the last few years and have been on the board for over a year now. We have met some of the dearest friends, parents of LGBT children, as well as many LGBT people, and we love them! We have a wonderful gay son who we walk this journey with in love and support. If you would like to contact me, I’d be happy to send you my email address and/or telephone number. You don’t have to be on this journey alone…there are so many wonderful people out there to give you love and support.

I’d like to ask if you have ever considered that there might be more than one path to the “tree of life”? Sometimes we stubbornly hold to the only path we know, not realizing that there are other paths too!

One of my favorite quotes is from the Dalai Lama…
“People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they’re not on your road doesn’t mean they’ve gotten lost.”

I could not be more disappointed with the writer. He has the opportunity to share his story of finding new truths with his son, and instead he deliberately implies that his son is not on the straight and narrow, is a person in the darkness. His son isn’t in the dark any more than any of the rest of us, but the church has not articulated his Plan of Happiness yet. That doesn’t mean he is standing in any kind of spiritual darkness. It means we are blind.

I’ve never seen a parent write more cruel words that implying that his own, sweet young son is fallen and lives in darkness, as opposed to his own easy-going cakewalk to perfection. This thing is scary to read.

I think, if the author implied anything, it is that his son will have a much more difficult time with the delineation of the path that most of us in the church have been taught, including his son. I think the author, as his father, now recognizes how agonizingly lonely and troubling that must have been for his son before the parents understood. The author stated he was willing to step outside those bounds described by other humans (who are also trying to do what is right) to accept his son unconditionally and felt the love and direction of heaven in doing so.

I am sure the author can speak for himself, but as I see it, he had a couple of options: 1) Disown his son, which, sadly, some have done, 2) Continue to interact with his son in the family setting but continue to maintain the firm line of official church doctrine, which would have heaped down more guilt and insecurity in the love of his parents on his son, or 3) Reached out to his son and said, “Teach me what this is like for you, because I don’t know. But, whatever the consequences from the church or the world, I will walk with you and we will seek pure knowledge and direction and confirmation of God’s love for you as the wonderful individual that you are, together. We will learn together, and I will not leave you, emotionally or literally.”

From what I read, he chose option three. I don’t see how that is to be condemned.

Which brings me to a point that has been bothering me elsewhere in the blogernacle lately: Why do we think we can judge people, their motivations, their intents, their integrity?

Perhaps I assumed this was obvious, but the straight and narrow path as defined by the Church is currently not tolerant of homosexuality. My son was in a dangerous place, as many homosexual youth are when reconciling their homosexuality with religion and society. However, our family went to him. By being in the mists of darkness we are certainly in a theologically less defined place. You mentioned that the Church has not articulated his Plan of Happiness yet. That is certainly true which is why at the end of the article, I indicated that the Lord is guiding us where we are. We have not sacrificed our beliefs or standards, and we are looking for a path. It just might not be as straight and narrow as others might like.

You also lost me at the end of your comment. How are you differentiating between being in spiritual darkness and being blind? Either way, I don’t see us as being in spiritual darkness. We are simply journeying on a less defined path.

I think the greatest message I was trying to convey is the inability or desire of those walking on the straight and narrow to empathize or show compassion for those not on their path. It seems the reverse may also be true.

Thank you Tom for being so open and sharing your feelings and story. I think you and Wendy are wonderful and look forward to seeing you again at the Affirmation Conference in a couple of days!! See you soon!!!

Tom, I applaud you for loving your son. My own brother Jared took his life four years ago, after struggling with a depression that was in great part caused by the internal conflict he suffered over being raised LDS and being gay. I am ashamed to say that I played a role in that conflict, doing my best to change him into what I wanted him to be rather than loving him for the brother that he always was. I wrote a book about Jared and me called “West of Independence.” It is of some relief to find that it is helping others to avoid the same enduring regret. I admire you for your ability to change, and wish that mine had come sooner. Keep up the good work of love! -Matthew Deane

Tom, you seem like a great dad and your son deserves your love and support. I’m glad you have been there for him. I supported prop 8 and still support traditional marriage (mostly) though my feelings are evolving.

Please understand that not everyone who supports redefining marriage to allow same sex marriage agrees with your statement that “gay people were lesser, deviant and chose evil”. The truth is that I have plenty of friends who are gay, just as I have friends who cohabited before marriage, and who drink, and who smoke, and who have tattoos, and who vote Democrat, and who are vegan, and who do a lot of things I may not agree with. I don’t shun people who don’t share my values or opinions or who don’t think or act like I do. We live in a diverse place where we are all different. We are all brothers and sisters under Our Father in Heaven and should have love and compassion and understanding toward each other.

It is shameful and wrong when parents or church members turn away from and shun people who are gay. I think it’s reprehensible when people tell gay jokes or use gay slurs. So please don’t assume that everyone who may not support gay marriage is a bigot and homophobic. I don’t mean to suggest you have implied that. I know some that share my view on the subject are jerks about their zealousness. Frankly, I don’t care what people are doing in their bedroom because that is their business. I love the good in others, and it’s not my place to judge them.

I’m simply not sure where I stand on this issue because it is very delicate. But I love and support those like your son, and I’m glad to hear he has your support.

This was beautifully written and so true. Gave me so much to think about. Also I woke up in the night thinking about you and your family. Glad I checked Wendy’s FB to see what she (you) were up to! Thanks!

Tom, thank you so much for composing and sharing these thoughts with all of us. I am so grateful that your family has rallied with your son.
Some thoughts…
“We were quickly acquainted with the persecution and intolerance that high ideals and perfection can breed….Mormon mindsets of perfection and purity, we often only see failure when expectations are not met.” The myth of “perfection in this life” and the “all or nothing” mindsets can be so harmful to many. I’ve been in psychotherapy off and on for years because of depression. Depression that has come because of my feelings of inadequacy and “imperfection.” And… it got worse when I simply could not justify some typical LDS beliefs with the God I know. I prayed and prayed for a change of heart, but no, the love and respect for those who are not on the “straight and narrow” just increases. @Guy-I too believe the Dalai Lama quote that you shared and perhaps the S & N path is much wider than we imagine or perhaps there ARE many paths. @ Andrea-the church may not accept homosexuality in this life but if it doesn’t, it will be because of the members refusing to be open NOT because homosexuality is “wrong” or sinful. Great article and conversations.

Most of the young gay people featured in the LDS “It gets better” youtube campaign have left the church. They left to keep their health, their sanity, their lives.

A beautiful, gutsy experiment by BYU. But an experiment ultimately doomed. You see: the Mormon Gospel is incompatible with reality. The reality that people discover their sexuality – and some are surprised by what they find. While we might see more videos like those (there shall be an endless crop of new young LGBT people) you won’t see longitudinal studies about what it is like to be a gay, healthy Mormon in a lifetime of active church membership. Maybe one or two exist. Certainly exactly ZERO in committed, marriage (or civil-union) relationships. They would be excommunicated.

Mormonism is incompatible with the homosexual reality.

Want to save your son? Flee the seduction of the church. Flee it like Joseph fleeing Potiphar’s wife. I know it looks like a barren wilderness out there – but trust me. We’ve been here ever since my gay identical twin told me – 28 years ago. Come on out – the water’s fine.

And i left just in time. Because two of my seven kids are also gay. They survived Mormonism because they left Mormonism. They are leading healthy, productive lives.

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