I think I owe all the good things that happened because last year I evened out all my zen with a 91 haiku 2015 film list. I gifted it to the cosmos and they aligned a bunch of things nicely in my favor (got married, work has been great, traveled a bunch, won a fantasy fball championship, etc).

So in hopes to get my 2017 in good form from the start, I now present you with haikus for the 100 movies that I watched in 2016, including a few movies I've seen in the last week that I never reviewed (and probably never will because I'm too busy). I'm also including The Revenant, Anomalisa, and Room because they got wide release in January (sorry, I don't live in NY or LA) and they didn't make my list last year.

Also it's my yearly ranking from worst to best, if that's not obvious.

Enjoy!

100. INDEPENDENCE DAY: RESURGENCE

It is good to know
It only takes twenty years
To craft perfect crap

99. THE FOREST

Suicide forest
But who wants to die the most?
It's the audience

98. 31

Rob has some good songs
But he is the Limp Bizkit
Of making movies

97. DIRTY GRANDPA

Robert Di Niro
Star of beloved era
Now does boner jokes

96. MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING 2

Ha! Do you get it?
They're really loud and boorish!
So hilarious!

95. WIENER-DOG

If I was a jerk
I'd challenge you to watch this
But I respect you

94. THE BOY

Once you know the twist
You will no doubt ask yourself
Why was this film made?

93. HOLIDAYS

This will make you think
How talent is so fleeting
When you're Kevin Smith

92. ZOOLANDER 2

Rehashing old jokes
Wait, that's Austin Powers' game
Is this the 90s?

91. THE BOSS

Look at this bad wig!
And look at this turtleneck!
Let's write a screenplay!

90. HUNTSMAN: WINTER'S WAR

Hemsworth will be proud
Oh, not of this movie here
Probably of Thor

89. BROTHERS GRIMSBY

Cohen’s so funny
That it feels weird when he bombs
But I still like him

88. BAD MOMS

I didn’t relate
Maybe I’m not bad enough
Or not mom enough

87. JACK REACHER: NEVER GO BACK

They are very right
I plan to never go back
To see this again

86. 13 HOURS

When I want hot takes
On the hot button issues
I think Michael Bay...?

85. HIGH RISE

What a great concept
But what strange execution
Turned into fart noise

84. THE ANGRY BIRDS MOVIE

It's crazy to think
How something based off phone games
Had such a thin plot...!

83. THE PURGE: ELECTION YEAR

Not really convinced
This phony reality
Will be worse than Trump

82. MONEY MONSTER

Want some script feedback?
This could have used more monsters
Like the scary kind

81. WARCRAFT

Full body make up
Zoe Saldana declined?
Must be a bad role

80. LIGHTS OUT

This ghost is a jerk
Squanchin’ around in the dark
I’m sleeping lights ON