Women peeing standing up?!?! Amen to that!

All right. Y’all know I’m a pretty active lady. I like the outdoors. I like adventures. Camping, ATVing, hiking, fishing; I’m into it. I dig it. I am at one with Mother Nature. So much so, I’m quite comfortable at using nature’s garden as my personal latrine. And I think I’ve mastered the art of outdoor urination!

Natalie’s 10 steps to the perfect outdoor pee:

Location, location, location! You need a spot where you can stand horizontally level but has a slight vertical downward slop. This is paramount to ensure a pant-protection pee stream occurs. Standing on a large tree root, at the top of a slope, or on a large rock works fine. Try to avoid ant hills. Although they do display perfect outdoor urination grade, certain species of ants can bite and it’s better safe than sorry on this one. Trust me. Lesson learned the hard way.

Drop your drawers! That’s right; this is no time for modesty. Strip those pants and undergarments down to your ankles. Trying to hide your naked butt from the bears is only going to ensure a piss-poor urination incident (pun intended).

Go deep! It’s all about the squat and tilt my friends. First, you gotta go wide in your stance and deep in your squat. Get right down there. The closer to the ground you can get, the less likely for unwanted backsplash.

Sit back. Yip, you read that right, now it’s time to tilt your pelvis slightly forward. It’ll feel like you are almost sitting back into your squat. The idea is to aim the firing squad down the slop. Trust me, in this squat pose; it won’t be a little tinkle coming out. If you point straight down this will only ensure nasty backsplash not to mention a urine puddle protruding into the shoe zone. Protect the shoe zone at all cost!

Grip and grin! Just before you “let go,” grip the outside of your pants and pull outward to keep your pants out of the line of fire. This will also help stabilize you in your exposed stance.

Relax and let go! Enjoy the freedom of watering nature’s garden.

Let nature run its full course. Your thighs are shaking, your balance is precarious, and you’re looking around to see if someone’s going to “come up on ya”. I understand your urge to cut the stream short and stand back up. Don’t let anxiety or poor physical conditioning get the best of you or you’ll wind up with urine stains marking your misfortune. Hold your perfect pee pose. If it helps, think of the toning you are getting.

Drip dry. Once your perfect pee is complete you must hold the stance for another few seconds to drip dry slightly. Personally, I like to add a slight bounce at this point. It helps shake off excess and also helps get the circulation back into my feet and legs.

Rise up half way and wipe.

Discard tissue (biodegradable of course) into the trees and reassemble.

Voila – my secrets to the perfect outdoor pee pose.

But even with this expertise there are times when all the squat skills in the world won’t save you from urination incidents. Squatting deep and steady after a few drinks can prove to be very challenging. Any slight wobble and the next thing you know you’ve got a damp pant leg to deal with. Or what about those outdoor concerts with their nasty port-a-potty’s where you have to hover. I mean, I can hold a deep, tilted back squat “pas de problem” but a half-poised hover after 3 beers, give me a break!

I mean, even my good friend Amber West encountered an uncomfortable urination situation on a trip to Mexico. She was touring the countryside when she found herself in high need to relieve and the only option; a sketchy outhouse with no door, just a bowl (no lid, no seat), a cock-eyed rooster, and the hover. Eeekeee!!!

You just hold GoGirl against your body, forming a seal, aim, and let er’ fly! This would greatly simplify my outdoor urination adventures but it’d also come in very handy at concerts, traveling, etc.

GoGirl is made with flexible, medical grade silicone. So you can dispose of it after use if you want…or clean and reuse. Their patented splash guard eliminates messing and spilling and GoGirl fits easily in your purse, pocket, or glove compartment for those “ya just never know” moments!

Comments

ROFL! Love the description, Natalie! You crack me up. I also love that “Go Girl” device – that looks really handy. I’m not outdoorsy, so I don’t usually need to commune with nature in quite that way, but there sure are times when I don’t want to get any closer to those icky public toilets than I have to! Now I have to get up the nerve to order one!

Always good to have handy…just in case! LOL! You don’t want to incidentally be facing a nasty outhouse/port-a-potty with no GoGirl on hand. In the words of hubby: “better to say here it is…than where is it?” LOL!!

Oh my goodness! You have just affirmed my love of all things city. I will never need to pop a squat or use a gogirl because I do not venture far from a Starbucks or the best public bathroom of all, Nordstrom. There it’s actually a women’s lounge and you can stop and read a book if you get tired of shopping. Hilarious post! I’m sure there are people out there who need this info. I’m just glad I’m not one of them!

A LOUNGE?!?!?!? Ok, it is clear to me that I am missing out living in small city New Brunswick, Canada. I am likely much to “hick” for such luxury but mark my words, before I die I shall visit Nordstrom, the lounge and the latrine! LOL!!

ROFL… again! You certainly captured every detail, Natalie, and turned the outdoor pee into a fine art.
I have a girlfriend who can pee anywhere on a golf course, standing up, fully clothed (golf shorts), no drips, and never be seen doing it. I swear! I’ve golfed with her for years and never caught her in the act. We’ll roll up to a w.c. (finally!!! after 9 holes) and as I make a mad dash, she’ll say “I’m fine. I went on the 7th.” Unbelievable! She obviously doesn’t need a Go-Girl but I might have to consider one for some of those less than desirable travel pitstops we sometimes make.
(Emma, you are so right about Nordstrom’s! That’s the way to go!)

OMG 3-star hotel. Yikes, you would not like the “camp” then. LOL!! There we have an outhouse and…wait for it…the luggable loo (essentially a bucket with a toilet seat on it – will the luxury ever end?!?!?!) The loo was a gift from hubby, isn’t he the BEST?!?!?

HILARIOUS!!! And oh so wise at the same time. 😉 I’ve only peed outside once and it didn’t go so well. I thought I was being all brave and rustic, only to find out that I peed right outside freestanding restrooms. LOL I found out when a group of three guys walked out mid-pee.

I crown you outdoor-pee queen of the universe! Long live the P-Queen!!!

Eeekeee…that is a misfortune August but…props to you for giving it a go!!! I am sure the boys enjoyed the little “show”. Happens to the best of us. I had a gal pal once using a port-a-potty at an outdoor concert. She was well into a balance hover when another women OPENED the door on her. My friend screeched. All the boys nearby looked. And the hover was compromised?!?!?! OMG!!! Happens to the best of us.
LOL!!
P-Queen – LOVE IT! I’m going to order a crown and sash to go with my new title…LOL!!!

First of all, thanks for the blog love, Natalie.
Second, I just came back from safari and I wish I had read your very well written lesson on the squat pee. I’d never had to do that before and thought I’d be fine. Well, I never mastered the “art” but I have to before the trip to Machu Picchu, so thanks!
-Fae Rowen

WAHAHAHA!! Glad you enjoyed it Myndi…these are the must-reads for country girls like myself. And for city folks…well ya just never know, now do you?!?! Better safe than sorry…LOL!!!
Luv ya too – today’s post on the dishwasher – RIOT!!!

Woot woot – finally a fellow outdoor peer!! I was wondering if there were any of us out in the blogosphere. LOL! Glad you enjoyed the instructions and that they were on point. LOL!! And that you enjoy the posts. So wonderful to have you stop by. 🙂

I absolutely need this product! Having been one of the thousands who left Houston in a wagon trail to evacaute from Hurricane Rita, I know what’s it’s like to cross your legs for miles and hours on your 24-hour trip from Houston to Austin (usually about 3 1/2 hours). Roadside urination was the only choice, but it sure wasn’t a good one. With GoGirl, I could have used the plastic container in the car that worked for all of the other members of my family (all male). Thanks, Natalie.

The Go Girl is not for me even though it does look pretty in pink. Your tip about gripping the outside of my pants is great! I’m always worried I’ll lose my balance. Trust me THAT would not be pretty. You Are Hilarious! I’ll never go in the woods again without thinking of you. Is that good or bad???? LOL

I don’t remember at what age I learned the hover technique, but suspect it was before I started kindergarten. I vaguely recall my mother hissing, “Don’t SIT on that toilet seat!” and being a little confused. I’m sure all little girls wonder HOW, exactly, they are supposed to ‘go to the bathroom’ if they can’t SIT on the seat? But it’s a skill we all learn and, more importantly, always remember.

However…

Like August, I only recall peeing outside once, and that thanks to a burst radiator hose in the middle of the sticks…with an ETA of a good half hour for the tow truck. I was very grateful that I was surrounded by woods, and that I had napkins from fast food restaurants in the glove box. Kind of wish I’d had the GoGirl but I managed, and walked out of the woods as dry as I walked in.

Hopefully I’ll never have to resort to using natures restroom again. EVER. Because I’m with Emma and Tameri. I’m not an outdoor girl…and I know where the cleanest public bathrooms are. Even so I still employ the hover technique. No matter how clean the toilet looks, you just never know about the butt that was parked on it before you got there. 🙂

I am stunned that there are people who have never peed outside and/or only peed outside once. My gosh ladies. Y’all must be city folk. LOL! So glad you managed your one time just fine…woot woot! You are right, the GoGirl would definitely have assisted there and it would definitely assist with those tricky hover moments. I mean….you are so right…you never know about the butt that parked there last. At least outdoors, I know no one’s tainted my squat area…and there’s always that lovely breeze!! LOL!!!!

For years I bragged about how much I loved camping until the Husband told me, “No Karen, we’re not camping, we’re RVing!” Yep, you guessed it. Like those creature comforts Natalie. Although I have been known to go out and explore nature. It has never been one of my personal favs. 🙂

The first time I saw one was last year when I was taking part in the London Marathon. Before the race, I was busting to go, but when I realised how and what I had to use, I declined. Instead, Two miles into the race, I passed the first lot of porta loo’s – with no queue – and went in peace 🙂

Okay I am totaly printing out these instructions, because the only time I’ve been able to pee outside (since my horrible 6th grade, I may have well just peed in my pant incidednt) was once, thanks to the ‘total ambiance’ of that evening. Yup after that horrible experience in 6th grade I can try, but the pee won’t come out, even if I’m in a skirt.

Now I’ve got the urge to try your tenique, but I”m stuck at work… guess I’ll have to wait till spring and the wood out back provide more camoflague from the house and neighbors…

Oh no Cathryn. What a traumatizing urination incident. Now you’ve got outdoor pee paralization. Not good because you just never know when the situation will call for it. Well, I hope my instructions help relieve you of the phobia and you can let nature run its course when required! Trust me, my technique, if followed to the letter, guarantees flawless flow. LOL!! Let me know how you make out this spring. 🙂
Thanks sooo much for swinging by, commenting and sharing your story! 🙂

Love the outdoor peeing instructions. I have no problems peeing outside, I will admit though that peeing outside in the snow while having a few drinks can get a little frosty:o) I have something better than the GoGirl, I have the fenis!!!!!!! Our girlfriend bought a package of six of them for us at Christmas and we got them in pink!!!!!!!!! The best thing about them is they are made in Halifax, NS. Talk about supporting locally….hehe

Holy Crap Jenn I choked on my sandwich – Not surprisingly (based on past posted conversations on Nat’s Blog) Nat and I were just talking about this last night for ladies with penis envy! – I knew it HAD to already exist! And Local to boot! You ladies have all the perks… I wonder if there is a Pee-Vag for men who want to use Nat’s instructions for squatting??? LOL!!! – I’m gonna Goggle that one tonight! Peevag another perfect example of a portmanteau! (Mangina is too old – Peevag is the fresh-the now- the hip version!)

OMG!! OMG!! Hubby and I were JUST talking about this last night!!! A fenis – for the lady with penis envy!! WOOT WOOT!!!!
Luv it Jenn….I’m gonna have to order me some and try writing my name in the SNOW…finally!

WOOT WOOT – another lady to the club!! I love it!!
I have no issue peeing outside but I will admit, peeing standing up does freak me out a little bit. LOL!!!
Oh really??!?! No lake or ocean peeing?!?!? Hmmmm…I will never tell my secrets!! LOL!!

Love the “Go Girl!” I could used one of those in camo AND hot pink back in my bar days in Missouri. Every time I turned around, we were having to pee behind a bank or a closed for the evening business because the bar potties were SO gross.

The Go Girl would allow you to direct your business right into a bush and avoid the pavement splatter.. 🙂

Natalie! So funny and particularly helpful too. 🙂 I appreciate the part about finding just the right grade of slope to stand on! LOL! I ride my bike outdoors alot and the peeing thing can be a problem, particularly when wearing bike shorts. Not sure I can take the Go Girl on the bike, but it’s worth a shot. The worst pee situation I ever encountered was in S. Korea on a ski trip. I had on a snow suit and the, ahem, latrines left alot to be desired. Managing to pull the suit forward, squat and control the dangling sleeves all in ski boots was a true challenge. The Korean girls didn’t seem to be bothered by it though…. 🙂

So glad you enjoyed the post and stopped by Kecia! Woot woot!
OMG love it…bike shorts and snow gear CAN be tricky. The key is to really get down in the squat and ensure the clothing is out of the way. I went snowmobiling this weekend and let me tell you, I hear you on managing peeing with all that GEAR on!!!
Those Korean girls are born flexible…damn them!! LOL!!!!

You cracked me up. More than once. When I was younger–and thought I was beautiful–I would just pee outside if I needed to. Not only did it show how outrageous and daring I was, I didn’t have to use icky public toilets or wait. These days…not so much.

The Go Girl looks really cool. I’ve seen a similar contraption years ago called a portable urinal. It had a female adapter. Here’s one on Amazon:

What I wonder about both this and the Go Girl is this: if there is nowhere to potty, where the hell do you clean up your portable urinal or your Go Girl? I am too much of a penny pincher to throw it away. Besides, unless you had a case of them, what about if you needed it later?

Soooo glad you enjoyed the post Catie!! And sooo happy to have another outdoor peer among the crew (even if it’s been awhile)! LOL!!
Love the portable urinal. Hubby actually did a Christmas presentation on something similar once. LOL! Definitely a hubby’s corner.
Ok…so I wondered the SAME thing and in one of the videos or FAQs, I read that you can wash it with soap and water…or just…sort of smack it so it air dries and then…it’s good for reuse. OMG! Now, yes, they do recommend washing it BUT you don’t necessarily HAVE to because urine is sterile. I’ll have to go check back on the site but I believe that was the premise. Use, drip dry, reuse.
HEHEHEHE!!

AMEN Amber!!!! You just never know and it’s better to be safe, than sorry on this one.
I loved your story and totally knew where you were coming from. LOL!!! 🙂 Stuff that like MUST be shared among the masses. 🙂

I had no idea it was a “worldwide phenomenon” (I’d never heard of it before), but I definitely see the apPEEal. (*groan*)

On a serious note, though. This woman is a genius. Between the color (pink makes it more appealing), the logo (the woman with her legs crossed – instant image and product connection), and the tag line “Don’t take life sitting down” (funny, related to the product, with a hint of feminism thrown in) she REALLY knew what she was doing. Marketers could take lessons from her.

I KNOW, eh?!?! Total marketing genius!! I couldn’t help but respect how she’s been able to pull together and create a campaign that made something kind of icky cute and sexy with mass appeal!! Amazing!!!

LMAO, Natalie! You have a gift, girl, for this sort of post! I think this is a great idea. When I have to go, I HAVE to GO! We travel back an forth to my hometown and sometimes I just can’t wait the two and half hours to go. Gas stations are filthy, but they’re only used in a pinch. Hovering is tough for me, so this is a great solution for me. I just bought one and can’t wait to practice with it! Won’t it be funny to, one day, go into a ladies room and see half the women’s feet facing the toilet?!

Great post! But go read this site (I must have read their original page a few years ago) and find out how many women are accomplished at peeing standing up without any artificial devices. Don’t miss the comments!

OMG Patrice I LOVE IT!!!! I took a quick glance at the site and it’s fantastic. Can you imagine? I had NO idea!! I’ll be enjoying the rest of that read this weekend. 🙂 Thank you so much for swinging by and sharing that little ditty – amazing! LOL!
No way?!?! Kristen is fantastic and I am so glad you ventured over from her and commented – too fahhhbulous! I am off to “check” you out girl. 🙂

Terrific read – but I’m off to find my credit card – how many times have I wanted a ‘go girl’ – Europe/dirty bathrooms/even a doctor’s office and the list goes on. This could be a public service announcement.

Over the years I’ve had to pee outside lots of times. The most annoying problem is the splatter that gets your shoes and ankles wet.
One time many years ago I by accident found out that peeing on flowers that grow only a few inches tall works very well. Grass or if at the beach dry sand is great to pee in.
If available I also pee in water such as a creek or river. It takes a bit of practice to pee in a creek or river but it a great place to pee. You don’t have to wonder where your pee is going to go.
Never pee on hard surfaces like cement. The splatter is almost guarenteed.
TP is a must too. I don’t care for damp panties so I have something to wipe with handy. I keep a pocket pack of Kleenex in my purse and jacket/coat pocket.
Peeing in a creek also provides a place to get rid of your TP. After finishing just toss it in teh cree. The water will dissolve it quickly.
One place I won’t pee is one of those portable outhouses. They are just way too disgusting and gross for this girl.

[…] writing and has been blogging for about a year and a half. She entertains me with posts such as women peeing standing up, Twisted Tuesday fun with stuff like sunglasses that rock my beer or a new trailer hitch stripper […]

[…] in life. I mean, I guarantee that at some point in your life (even if you never admit to it) the instructions to peeing in the bush and the Go Girl will come in handy. And don’t even get me started on the usefulness of Subtle Butt. I mean…need […]

[…] a Day to 10,000 Words a Day (eye opening and be sure to click through to her post on plotting!) Women peeing standing up?!?! Amen to that! (Too funny not to share!)What if men’s superhero costumes were designed like […]