Julia’s Curious Public Licking Problem

I shuddered in horror today when I saw that inappropriately lascivious photo of Julie Albertson revelling once again in her love of cake-licking, and at Poor Britton’s wedding, no less.

Gross, lady! Put that thing back in your mouth!

What the hell does she think? That it’s sexy? Why does she do it? To suggest to the boys that she likes licking shaft? Or perhaps that she might be willing to lick Megs, because OMG OMG BOYS OMG OMG find lesbians sexy too? Does she not realize she often looks like a serial killer when she’s mid-lick? Not a turn-on, Donk!

Here’s a disturbing photographic walk down Donkey Tongue Memory Lane, starting with the most terrifying Public Licking episode of all:

I’m also impressed with your strength here, Jacy, and thank you for this slideshow. Great educational trip for this newbie, even though it’s a nightmare inducing staff at the same time. Seriously, how the…. what does she…. it’s like…. complete abandonment of reason.

Go back and read about the Bi-Coastal Birthday Bash crazies, both this year and last. I think I did a recap of last year’s to set up this year’s. That’s when all the crazy comes rushing out, and two years in a row, it resulted in the end of friendships with women she previously described as “sisters.”

That sounds awesomely horrible. Every minute I spend here, it’s becoming increasingly obvious that I’ve led too sheltered of a life. Right now it’s getting late over here again, but I’ll be sure to check out that Bi-Coastal thing tomorrow. Again, thank you for your service!

So sweetly sexual
Not sexual at all no!
It’s mostly disgusting now.
Darling Julia, is your tongue lonely?
It’s not only for photographing only
Please use it for something else.

Close, let it close, do, masticate and chew
Lips together, not grinning
That smile is not so winning
When teeth are chiclet sized.
Cultivate other interests
Beside’s Dadsers money spending
Fake love is for gentlemen only
The girlfriend experience for rich men only
Always trying to be someone else
No lick, no lick, no lick, please just close

Lickomania
You think it’s hot but no
Sexy lady or trannie ho
We are all offended
Please let it go
You’re a mess to the masses

Can’t you please stand still?
Without your mouth a-gaping
Do you think the fans are waiting
For another fauxto shoot ending
This shot’s for gentlemen only
Wealthiest gentlemen only
We know that you’re lonely
No lick, no lick, no lick, please just close

Don’t hit send and share
Please burn the pictures instead
Who is that tongue for?
For RBNS only
Are we the fortunate only?
We’d rather vomit in the shower instead
No lick, no lick, no lick, please just close

Whyyyy does she have to open her mouth wide enough for a deep throat train to pretend-lick? I can see a little tongue, occasionally, as playfully flirtatious, but that maw is open wide enough for me to see the kale stuck in her back teeth.

Psychiatrists are divided on whether traditional talk therapy methods could work with someone like Donkey. From a distance, I can’t tell whether she’s a sociopath or if it’s an untreated/ignored chemical imbalance exascerbated by poor lifestyle choices. This may be counterintuitive, but she’d actually be better off if it’s the latter, because psychiatrists have more tools to work with these days and most adults have a strong built-in resistance to true change via talk therapy–so many defense mechanisms in place. I had experience with all ages during my psychiatry residency but work mainly with children, specifically because it’s soooo frustrating treating adults. Their bad habits and reflexes are hard-wired, even if (and especially when) they’re self-defeating. And there’s the whole self-medicating issue… pain killers, aderall, xanax, marajuana, hard drugs, secretive alcohol binging, etc.

while the pumpkin innards eating one is gross, it was done in jordan’s apartment.. ranki’s (typoe and it stays) licked cake is the worst one because:
1. it was done in public, and;
2. IT WAS NOT EVEN HER GODDAMNED CAKE!!!

she doesn’t like sex. but she’s awesome at faking, and most of porn is faking–that you’re into it, that you’re orgasming, that you’re a prim housewife getting fucked by the poolboy and not a desperate girl looking to make $500 for a day’s work, etc.

It is a curious thing to witness, isn’t it? The licking isn’t the least bit sexy. Julia is about the least sexual creature on the planet – there is absolutely nothing sexy or even sexual about her.

It’s why the wildly inappropriate outfits (Easter, day-after-wedding brunch) outfits are so damn hilarious. She thinks she is dressing sexy and flirty, but her understanding of sexy and flirty is cartoonish and costumey and most importantly, all an act.

But she perseveres because she doesn’t think that people can see her stage makeup and Slut-o-ween costumes, and/or she just doesn’t have the slightest clue what authentic sex appeal looks like. But my God, she doesn’t have an ounce of sex appeal whatsoever.

Isn’t it IRONIC that she wants so badly to be seen as girly and cute and sweet and yet she only comes across as crass and overbearing and completely unsexual. All I could think while scrolling this was what an unattractive woman. No body snark, or face snark, or even outfit snark. There is just something so completely offputting and undesireable about her. If I looked down from my blowie to see that face in the first photo my dick would shrivel up inside me and I’d hurl myself off the her shoebox’ balcony.

When I was in grade school I believed that the best way a woman could emphasize her femininity and look really, really sophisticated was to do the slow-motion hair flip of so many shampoo commercials. I attempted to replicate the move–slo-mo and all–at every appropriate moment. Then I turned 10.

Here I am, bidges. Of course, I love when the cake licking gallery surfaces.

My opinion? Yes, some guy, somewhere along the way told her one of these licking moments was hot and that was all it took. Of course, this is mostly likely a guy with the emotional and sexual maturity (and skill) of a garden rake. Someone each of us would dismiss as a prospect as quickly as his declaration of love over a dumb cake licking pose left his mouth.

The last one is disturbing because she’s gently nudging her tongue toward the cupcake with her finger, making it look less like a tongue than a penis (or grotesquely distended clitoris) being guided into the icing — American Pie crossed with Deep Throat, multiplied by Aliens.

I say it every time this picture pops up: it’s seriously the worst she’s ever taken. Unspeakably bad. Also? Randi Z. cannot stand her. There is no other explanation for her posting that picture publicly.

Seriously though? That’s crazy. Like unless she secretly has a deal going with Facebook, and that’s a shill, she really needs to cut the shit. My brother and sister-in-law didn’t change their status’ for a few weeks (I think…I didn’t notice)

believe it or not, i’m not a fb member, so i’m going to miss out on this oh-so-important ritual

too many retards are using fb, which ruins it and has flooded it with crappy ads and applications. and the privacy issues are real concerns on top of this. had a myspace in my early and mid 20s, when it was novel and fun, but people take this social media crap TOO SERIOUSLY these days! no thanks

See this represents so much that’s wrong with the world today. Woo hoo we just got married, therefore the most pressing thing for us to do is change our relationship status on facialbook, because our friends didn’t already know we were together anyway.

And as for Donkzilla, filming someone updating their FB deets. Get a fucking life seriously, like a real one.

Monday: She’s hitting two birthdays today. TWO. God damn it, I should just throw myself between her teeth one of these days and end it.

Tuesday. Seviche. She licked seviche. Or rather, I did. What the fuck is seviche? I hope I never fucking know.

Wednesday: Chocolate bar today, for an impromptu sexy photo session (wasn’t so bad). Sorbet, just as a treat (actually enjoyed that). Then the innards of a, Christ kill me with lightning bolts, pumpkin. A FUCKING PUMPKIN!

Thursday: Things we’ve licked so far: chocolate donut, dribble of blueprint cleanse down the side of a glass, carrot (suggestively), celery stick (she was just eating it), 50 stamps on thank-you notes with her picture on them, envelopes for same. Oh, and Lily’s nose, for some reason.

Friday: Michael Arrington called. Blah blah blah, how are you, blah blah blah, I’m in town, blah blah blah, dinner at the Ritz. Thank God she remembered he farts wet ones in bed or I think I would have jumped down her throat of my own accord.

If Donkey ever gets her shit together (which is highly doubtful) she’s going to have a rough time coming to grips with the disgusting Julia Allison fame whore (emphasis on “whore”) persona that she spends so much time and effort perfecting. How nice that her massive cray is all over the internet and will be forever. “Hey kids, take a look at how amaze-ballz your mommy was!”

Why JP. You’re even sexier feeding Julia a cupcake than you are doing…some…other thing…which is not having sex.

I love the whole dynamic to that photo–it’s almost an art shot:

Annoying socialite: “And that’s when I realized we were destined to be together for–”
Cute guy: “Would you shut up if I feed you a cupcake?”
Annoying socialite: “Why how dare you! You crass NOM NOM NOM NOM.”

I’m thinking the reason Donkey was depressed after the wedding is because of Allie’s bridesmaids. She got to see up-close-and-personal what really great girl-friendships look like…fun, caring, quality friendships, not lame donkey-style friendships.

Also, were there any wedding pictures of Dadsers and Granny? I saw her with just about everyone else, including Meghan, but none with her own son. Just wondering if nutty Momsers has a rule about no mom/son photos when it comes to Granny. Oh how I’d love to know the details of that messed up relationship.

Yeah, it’s interesting. I wonder how it all works? Like when the Boggers give Granny a present for her birthday, does Robin sign the card or is the gift only from Dadsers, Julie and Britton? Is Granny allowed to come over for Dadsers birthday or any holidays?

I feel a little sorry for Dadsers having to juggle three obviously very strong and (probably) difficult women.

I’m not judging the estrangement, sometimes cutting people out is for the best, but I’m curious as to how it all works.

Those are some pretty interesting questions. I wonder how Peter stays in contact with his mother, whether he’s allowed to call her or not (not shitting you–some people make their spouses cut off contact with family entirely)?

It’s hard to imagine what could have been so bad that momser would ban Grandma from the house. And how could it be so bad that she’d keep up the act for 30 yrs or more? Part of this is refusing to grow, combined with harsh decisions looming larger and larger as time goes by, such that you’re even more invested in continuing the punishment.

I just read that, too. …and wow, was that post riddled with all kinds of grammar mistakes and typos. And the sad thing is, that was her actually trying and putting effort into her writing. She and Teej have managed to make Fatty Kate look like a Mensa candidate.

JP, i just searched this and couldn’t find it. do you know what post it was? i’m curious…. its funny to see how much of the new crew already knows about this place and how much they must be noticing about julie albertson’s overall weirdness.

I wonder how people ever got married before the invention of the camera? I mean, are you really MARRIED if there aren’t 300+ pictures of you in the process? How can you be sure?

This is what gives me brayge – I spent a lovely weekend in Nassau and Harbor Island and took not ONE picture. I went to my cousin’s wedding and also took not ONE picture. Because I was busy enjoying myself and not worried about documenting my enjoyment for everyone else. Julia isn’t sure if she’s having a good time unless someone is there PROVING she is having a good time by taking hundreds of pictures!

And that is really, really sad. (Like, lame sad, not like I’m crying (in the shower) sad.)

Permission? HAHAHHAHAAHH. Like Julia Fucking Allison gives two shits about someone else’s privacy. She farted a gazillion photos all over her blog and tagged photos on her Facebook page.. but pleeeease don’t tell anyone my last name is Baugher!!! Meet my tiny brother and his new wife – Britt and Allie Allison!

For a moment I thought that guy might be a Frisbee player, but of course that’s impossible, since he broke her heart in Oct 2009, and this photo was taken at her SF birthday party in 2010, when she was settling for Wallet Thing and eying the husband of a friend.

She is like a mentally challenged sibling that they entertain and include in the festivities to make her feel better. Seriously. Go look at her pictures. She sticks out like a sore thumb in every single picture, like she’s acting up and doesn’t understand how to properly behave. It’s like she has the mental capacity of a toddler.