Saturday, March 13, 2010

Sometimes Life presents information that is so true, painful, unsearchable that I am left... speechless.

In my mind I know that I will lose people I love. My heart sometimes is slower to process that reality. I submit that this is by design. I don't believe God intended us to bear that truth fully day after day... His plan is to meet you when and where you have to accept this fact.

I was listening to my dad last night. He has had cancer for 9 years. He has lived really well and mostly normal since his stage 4 diagnosis all those years ago. That in itself is extrordinary.

He has valiantly taken control of his health and body and tried every form of nutrition, healing and self care that made sense to him... and enlightened a lot of others a long the way...He even became a wellness coach for others as a profession.

In the last 6 months a sudden series of health related events has brought in the beginning of a new season.

He was sharing his frustration with not feeling like he normally does. - He is very run down, very lethargic, subdued by a lot of pain meds, and really just glazed over. He can't walk without a cane, and he has other day to day liberties eluding him as well.He is a vital- intentional- very health conscious, active man.

His favorite thing - I would say -is dancing into the night at concerts, weddings, parties... He loves to dance... I loved to dance with him... we did a lot!

He was expressing sadness at knowing the end is quite near and... secretly wishing it would just get it over with. Not really- but kind of.

He has always had a thoughtful, melancholy philosopherish attitude but I was hearing him last night really just query... and not exactly form questions. I was hearing him unlocking the truth that he may never get all his questions ( on this side) satisfied. My prayer for him is... to knowthat he knows that he knows that he is loved with an everlasting , sacrificial love, and that it is ok to not have the why questions answered.

He is the pinnacle of the sixties love child hippie through and through. He has questioned everything and -most of the time- I am glad he taught me this as well. I am sure that he has a seekers heart and has loved God every step of every day... He has loved others and been a voice for causes that are noble and needed.

I pray though- for childlike faith...acceptance and knowledge of the one love that defies death. I pray that like C.S.Lewis his inquisitiveness will introduce him to the fullness of Gods plan. That he can set aside the worlds misgivings of a broken and frankly weird church and accept the love that sets captives FREE.

The key to the restlessness... is true peace. To KNOW peace. The person.

8 months ago we were hiking up Red Rocks amphitheatre. He beat us all. He was jumping on his re bounder every morning, and swimming at the Y.( He lives out of state)He says now he sleeps a lot. He does not want to walk outside much and risk breaking a bone ( Omaha is slippery this year!) He takes pain meds... when before, a ibuprofen was very foreign.Things change rapidly.

I pray each of you Love with abandon those who are RIGHT in front of you, and forgive or accept those who are not. Extend grace, receive it if need be. Don't miss an opportunity to connect in love with a family member or friend.

I am going to ask for your help.I want to give him a list of questions to answer before he dies.I have a lot in mind but I would like to have you forward this to friends and family and help me come up with questions a lot of them....that I can type up and ask him to answer ...( he will be a good sport... ) ones that after he is gone I might regret not asking...I start crying when I type them so I thought if you all forward them to me then I could copy and paste a list of the ones that I choose...

Like what is your fave color.Best memoryFirst girlfriends name?Worst jobWhat scares you?Who was the love of your life?What do you regret...

You get the point.

I think we all seek to be truly known...and I would love to bless him by trying to REALLY know his answers...

Please help me and forward to friends who will give some good questions... I get overwhelmed with emotion after I start so I could use the help.

Make sure that the ins and outs of your individuality are no mystery to Him, and one day they will no longer be a mystery to you.

9 comments:

I am so sorry..The pain is strong..How do you ask the questions thru that pain? This is hard..so hard.. Maybe I would start with his childhood..first crush? her name..his dreams..I have know words..just prayers..God Speed to help your family through this difficult time! Again, I am sorry..~Lulu

What does he feel is his biggest accomplishment in life - what does he regret not following through with? I'm sad to read this...I will keep him in our prayers and pray that he can atleast gain the strength and motivation to fulfill the rest of his days. I'm sorry you're going through this...I can't even imagine it. I pray often for a chance to spend more time with my father and reconnect with him and for him to get to know my daughter. I haven't seen him in over a year. Aren't we all daddy's little girl deep down regardless of our ages? Hugs!

I have a new friend just diagnosed ... she's already taken on the trooper role ... her quote ... "whether I live or die, good WILL come of this" ... just this week she found out she has uterine cancer ...her surgery is April 1 ... she decided to hit the beach with 20 year old daughter in florida for 10 days BEFORE the surgery.

we can learn alot from Dad and my friend!

"Father God I ask for peace and joy in the holy spirit for Dad and this precious friend.Draw men and women unto Yourself with these unabashed testimonies."amen

It is so hard to see a man who was once so strong suddenly seem weak. My auntie starts chemo tomorrow. I LOVED the love with abandon part! LOVED! It spoke to me. If I could as a question it would be what do you feel is your greatest triumph and biggest regret.

I am sorry about your dad.I will have to think more about this. We so believed that we would have more time with our boy, Andrew, that we didn't ask these kinds of questions. However, at the age of 12 I KNOW many of these answers because Andrew and I walked and talked a lot over the years...many times just the two us or with the dogs he walked. I miss him terribly...my beautiful, brave boy.