1. Day 7: The Tale of Two Commitments

Every day I come to “Extending Love to Commitment” and something new appears. Today two commitments faced off. Which one won? Keep reading.

I have always believed the struggle is not between Good and Evil. The real difficulty that cannot be solved in the mind alone is between Good and Good. When you begin to see all-is-good then you are really in for a heart lesson.

This morning I woke at 5am and still had not decided whether to go to a training event (our business was running for our members) or to stay home for my committed day of writing. Imagine the face off of two perfectly good commitments. On the one hand a commitment I made to myself: I will block out a day for writing. (I write daily but corral, make sense of and edit my prolific flow of words without distraction one day a week.) I am determined to count my writing time as valuable, worthy, as well as an effective use of my time. On the other hand, my husband and I are Executive Directors of BNI and twice a year we train the Leadership Teams of all our BNI networking chapters and this day was one of those training days.

“Trying to decide” what was best for me was like trying to pass a kidney stone, slow and painful. At 5:30 I either had to get up and put on a suit and get ready to greet the business world or put on my Uggs and head to my study and waiting computer. I couldn’t decide so I “just” meditated. My meditation is sort of a hanging out in a wordless state for 15-45 minutes or more. In this spacious open place thoughts and images are welcomed, as they are frequently communication from the Not-Knowing.

This morning I was guided to feel into my indecision and I could feel doubt, betrayal, grief and sadness, even thoughts of my Mother three years dead joined the sinking.

Suddenly I had this thought: this feels like quicksand.

Somehow I knew to truly escape I had to dive headlong into the quicksand. As soon as I had this thought I instantly knew I wanted to go to our training. I wanted to connect with our directors and members; I wanted to be a part of this day. It is important to note that we have an incredible team and attending these training events is not normally part of my needed purview as CFO .It had been over five years since I have attended this specific type of training event.

This committing to meditate in the face of doubt and indecision helped me face directly the gooey part of commitment. I realized that commitment is really about listening to my own heart in spite of worldly evidence or the word “should”. I discovered I am not wed to a specific task or day or even to my own business, I am, however, stuck with the ever presence of my own heart no matter what happens. The question is not what is right but what was right for me and my heart RIGHT NOW, this moment in front of me.

Without the tool of meditation and my own willingness to hear the voice in my heart I would have “decided” with judgment of what appeared best. I learned today what is best for me is to be quiet and listen to my heart’s voice. It always knows the way, even when I don’t.