"The Astral Amulet will allow Cronabe to travel to his Home World, where the Hydra is still alive and well. Ironic, since Cronabe exists in that world. In addition to saving this mysterious Mary Sue from the brink of death, Cronabe will also be able to hunt endangered creatures. Only the latter situation is of interest to him."
-Jeanne,
Chrono Cross Part 5

Kingdom Hearts : Part 7
By Sam
Posted 01.19.04
Pg.
1 : 2 : 3
Last time on Junior, @%$#!!! and Goofy's Bogus Journey, Kelly harkened back to Traverse Town so Junior could get his groove on with another floozy keyhole. More importantly, Riku showed up and shook his Hot Bootay of Angst +5, reminding us all that the game would be better if he were the Keyblade Master. Like we'd forget.

We're picking up right where Kelly dumped off Junior's whiny ass, at the save point inside Traverse Town's accessory shop. Despite my fervent wishes to the contrary, Junior has someone here he needs to meet. Next to the shop's counter, there's a little boy playing with a pretty blue package, exactly like the Potions Junior has been picking up in battle. On closer inspection the little boy is a little wooden boy. Insert your own "wooden" joke here, if you'd like. As Junior leans down to speak to him, Jiminy "Servant of the Dark Lord" Cricket hops up on his shoulder and recognizes Little Wooden Boy as--surprise!--Pinocchio. The puppet explains that he's "playing hide-and-seek" under the counter. I hope that's not his name for Hide the Keyblade. The guy behind the counter looks like he'd go for that. Jiminy launches into a nagging tirade about how worried sick he was, but he's cut off by a weird sound effect. "Pinocchio!" he exclaims, and looks up as Pinocchio's wooden nose elongates a good seven inches or so. I don't even know what to say about that. It sort of speaks for itself.

There once was a boy from Nantucket...

Pinocchio's nose erection of course means that he's not being honest. Jiminy inquires about the blue box, and Pinocchio is clearly lying when he says it was a present. "A lie only grows and grows 'til you get caught!" Jiminy shrills. "Plain as the nose on your face!" I wonder how many weirdos out there completely missed the message of honesty in Pinocchio because they thought his nose getting that big was a good thing. Anyway, Pinocchio goes on to show that he can't make even the simplest of choices without Jiminy, because he's a worthless prat. So he's this improbable magical puppet boy who came to life, but he can't figure out "stealing is bad" on his own? Whatever. My suspension of disbelief just won't stretch that far. Pinocchio promises Jiminy that he won't lie as long as he has his conscience, and his firm, erect nose shrinks back down to normal size. Junior grips his Keyblade to ease his feelings of inadequacy.

The conversation turns to Pinocchio's father, who is absent from this sick and wrong exchange. No one knows where he is, but Jiminy tells Pinocchio that he'll find him, and volunteers Junior for the job as well. "You could've asked us first..." Junior whines, because his time is so precious. But really, Jiminy is stupid for wanting his help in the first place--it's not like Junior is exactly good at finding people he's looking for. Hell, his whole purpose is supposedly to find his friends, and he's not even trying. Why would he put any effort into finding this glorified sex toy's daddy? Maybe he could have some special modifications made to the Keyblade as a reward, if you follow me.

With that and buying more healing items out of the way, it's time for the Odd Couple Plus Junior to blow this pop stand. Aboard the gummi ship, Chip and Dale inform Junior that there's a new tournament going on at Olympus Coliseum. "I hear there's a great reward for the winner," Dale drones, in some kind of sad attempt to make me give a shit. Obviously, I ignore this piece of news and choose a different destination: the warp hole just past the Coliseum. Unfortunately, while I can now warp directly to worlds I've visited before, going through the warp hole doesn't involve any direct warping. I still have to fly into shit and yell at the TV and throw things. This game is so bad for my blood pressure.

The Land of Penises.

Just as I'm about to fall to the carpet in a twitching, defeated heap, the gummi ship arrives at its destination, Agrabah. Not that any of the planet designs in Kingdom Hearts make any sense whatsoever, but for what it's worth this one looks a little bit better than the Coliseum or Deep Jungle--at least it's somewhat symmetrical. On one side of the round planet there's a gigantic Arabian-style palace (all the buildings, of course, are penis-shaped), while at the opposite pole lies the panther's head-shaped entrance to the Cave of Wonders. I think it's really saying something about this game when I can look at the latter in particular and think, "Eh, it's not that cracked."

Inside the palace area, Maleficent and Jafar are taking a little stroll. Jafar assures Her Horned Evilness that their faithful Heartless are looking everywhere for Agrabah's keyhole. A moment later Jafar's parrot Iago, voiced once again by Gilbert Gottfried--thanks, voice talent casting director!--swoops down from the sky to inform the villains that Princess Jasmine and her sexy hips are nowhere to be found. Maleficent is less than thrilled. Jafar asks, because we haven't had our requisite spoonful of green Nyquil exposition yet, why finding her is so important. "Because she's this world's Mary Sue, fucktard," Maleficent replies, smacking him upside the head.

Magic? In this game? That's just crazy talk.

Actually, that's kind of right. Maleficent tells Jafar and the rest of us that Jasmine is one of the "princesses of heart," a puketastic moniker if I've ever heard one. "We need all seven princesses of heart to open the final door," she intones evilly. Sigh. After all this time, I thought I might get to stop hearing about that Godforsaken door. Also: Door. Lock. Key. Keyblade. We fucking GET IT ALREADY.

"Well," Jafar answers, "if the princess is that important, we'll find her." I'd say he sounds like a raging pervert saying this, but his voice lends him that quality whenever he says anything, really. Jafar summons some turban-wearing, scimitar-wielding Heartless and sends them off after Jasmine. Maleficent notices this and issues Jafar a warning: "Don't steep yourself in darkness too long. The Heartless consume the careless." Wait, don't they consume pretty much anybody they can get their little black claws on? And isn't Maleficent, as the ringleader of the Disney Villain Gang, in much more danger of overindulging in dark power? And--oh. I get it. It's supposed to be ironic that Maleficent is warning Jafar and not heeding her own warning. I must have missed it because I'm a fucking idiot living in a cave with my eyes closed and my fingers in my ears.

Deep breath. Deep, calming breath.

Jafar lightly laughs off Maleficent's Stern Warning Steeped in Foreshadowing, and as we pan away from him we can see Jasmine, poking her head out from behind some crates. If the Heartless weren't the most useless cronies ever, she'd be in deep shit right about now. But she's just fine, and more importantly she heard what her pursuers were saying. Not that she'll really do anything about it. If Jasmine can manage to desperately shout "Aladdin!" and then get kidnapped, it'll be a good productive day for her.

We cut straight from this scene to Junior, @%$#!!! and Goofy on the main street, and before the shot has even fully faded back in they're getting ambushed by Heartless. There's keeping the gamer on his or her toes, and then there's just being dickheaded about it. Jeez. Luckily for me, @%$#!!! bravely and immediately uses all his magic points just so the trio can prevail. What a team player. Certainly not an asshat. Once the baddies are cleared out, Junior loots the area, reaping a good deal of munny and items. He next enters a nearby door, where he finds some more swag and a save point. For the moment, @%$#!!! is no longer on time-out, since I got to heal up his MP, but it's not like he won't blow it all in the next battle, anyway. Junior leaves the last, unattainable treasure chest alone for the time being, and returns outdoors.

In the next area, there's a bounteous plethora of additional Heartless waiting to attack the party, including some giant spiders hiding in clay pots. Because I wasn't having enough nightmares from Cerberus or Pinocchio's schlong of a nose--they had to give me child-sized arachnids, too. The creatively-named pot spiders wait cleverly in their hiding places until all their brethren are slain (way to go, guys!), unless vapid little Junior approaches them, in hopes that he will find some sweet, delicious balls.

...Of munny, you sick freaks.

Most of the streets are blocked off by debris, so the threesome heads down an alleyway. They walk in quite casually, their weapons not drawn, even though this has proven to be the most Heartless-infested world yet. Oh, but they're idiots. It had been two minutes, so I needed my reminder. Right away, Junior sees Jasmine, who thinks she is hiding behind some boxes but sadly is in very plain sight. "Who's there? Hello?" she says nervously. When you're "in hiding," it seems ill-advised to show yourself until you know exactly who's there. But that's why they made her hot: so she could be dumb as a post and fanboys the less discriminate among us wouldn't care. I like to call that Shion's Law.

Jasmine introduces herself, making sure to let our heroes know right away that she's royalty. Right now, it's not doing her much good, though, since her father "has been deposed by Jafar, who now controls the city." Suckage. Jasmine is surprised that they don't know who Jafar is, but two seconds ago she didn't think twice about explaining to these obvious foreigners who she is. The inconsistency in this game is so...consistent. Like a constant, flowing river of bad exposition.

She just said Jafar helped her. DUH.

Jasmine continues talking about things we already know, including Jafar's search for her and the keyhole. Typing that last bit made me feel very unclean. Jasmine finishes by saying that Jafar would have caught her (and made her play grab-ass, no doubt), but "he" helped her lay low. "He" turns out to be Aladdin. "He left a while ago to take care of something..." she trails off, but meanwhile I'm stuck on the fact that she got help from her boyfriend in hiding out and was still doing such a shitty job of it. I guess stupid is attracted to stupid.

Speaking of Jafar, he picks this exact moment to show himself and make with the lame villainous pickup lines threats. "Aladdin? Where might I find this street rat?" The gang turns to spot him above them on a ledge, already getting all horny at the thought of his very special street rat. "Jasmine, allow me to find you more suitable company, my dear princess." He adds, "These little rats won't do, you see." Ooh, BURN! He called you guys RATS!

Junior, for once, realizes that trying--and failing--to come up with a witty comeback is not the most important thing at the moment, and tells Jasmine to make like a tree and get out of there. She does so, without so much as a word of protest from Jafar. You know he's all about the Aladdin action. "Ah, the boy who holds the key," he says, so maybe he's more of a Captain Hook type. He doesn't like girls, that much is obvious. Before he walks off he leaves Junior and Co. a bunch more Heartless to fight. I could have found some on my own, Jafar. Really. But thanks. Dickhead. Once the baddies are out of the way, it's time to follow...I don't even know who we're following. Suffice it to say that Jasmine and Jafar will end up in the same place, so it doesn't really matter.