June 20, 2008

Some Ways to Casually Put Down David Sedaris at Your Next Social Event Without Looking Like a Total Jerk

In the spirit of continuing to fan the flames of my incipient literary war with David Sedaris, here are some suggestions for how to subtly put down this best-selling memoirist the next time you find yourself surrounded by people susceptible to changing their opinions about humorists based on the snarky comments of casual acquaintances.

Say, for example, you are at league bowling night and your buddy finds himself facing an easy pick-up for a spare. Just before he bowls say something like, "Don't miss, Bob, or you might hear David Sedaris telling a long and humorous story about what a boob you are on 'This American Life.'"

At a cocktail party, a bottle of lousy champagne is uncorked. You take
a swig, grimace, and say, "Send this swill back to France where David Sedaris is undoubtedly enjoying a baguette." (I admit this probably doesn't seem like much of a put down on paper, but if you say the word "baguette" with a sneer, trust me, this will be devastating.)

Another idea: you're knitting with some gal pals. Somebody drops a stitch. You respond by saying, "Speaking of stitches, that's what David Sedaris wishes he had me in when I read his last book."

Perhaps you are simply riding the subway. Somebody across from you is reading "Me Talk Pretty One Day," or another Sedaris gem. You lean over to that person and say, "I read that book, too..." Wait a beat, then unleash the punchline: "When I was in a coma!" (This one doesn't make that much sense, but if you say it fast enough they will probably ignore the glaring logic problem of trying to read something while in a coma.)

You've just been arrested for aggravated assault. The processing officer instructs you to make your one phone call. You dial seven random digits and say to whoever answers the phone, "Call David Sedaris and tell him I've just been arrested. If he pretends he has no idea who idea who I am, then you will know all you need to know about 'The Great' David Sedaris."

When referring to him, put a "p" after the "S" in "Sedaris," so that what you're saying is "Spedaris." This isn't a put down exactly; it's actually just a mispronunciation of his name, but if enough people start doing it, I have no doubt it will drive him fucking crazy.

I'm pretty certain that most of the groups I socialize with don't know who David Sedaris is,yet would most likely know who you are. Michael Ian Black:1 David Sedaris:0,you vain flap-mouthed horse-drench.

Go to your local Barnes and Noble. Take every copy of Naked, Me Talk Pretty One Day, etc. and move them behind several unpopular/unfavorable books (Mein Kamf, that Rosie O'Donnell book). Also, make fake blurb stickers using celebs with bad PR. Ex: "This book is akin to a nuclear holocaust-MADE OF LAUGHS!"-Kim Jong Il) and place them right on the cover.
Then, when you've completed these tasks, take all the copies of YOUR book, and move them towards the checkout counter. This all equals more green in the blue, the blue being your pants.

You casually run into David Spedaris, or someone who is real subtle in showing their love of him by reading his book in an elevator, (Which shows how smug they are by appearing busy in an elevator) and you say, "You know, Michael Ian Black's book is outselling yours, and it hasn't even been released yet."

Then get off at the next stop, before they have time to say a comeback. Even if it's an awkward floor.

"Basement Sub-Level 3,exactly where I want to go. It's where we're having an anti-David Spedaris book burning rally."

You call up NBC Dateline's To Catch a Predator and tell them you have a suspect. Then you call up David Spedaris' agent, and book him to appear at an elementary school at midnight, for the 1st annual David Spedaris Loves America's children slumber party.
Three weeks later have him appear, and unknowingly enter with a sleeping bag only to find Chris Hanson (Who probably hosts that show still, but it makes you wonder how long he can go on contacting predators with a screen name like ChrisHanson@ToCatchaPredator.com)

Chris: Hello, I'm Dateline's Chris Hanson.
Spedaris: Uh...hi, I'm openly homosexual best selling author David Sedaris.
Chris: Do you want to tell me why you are here?
Spedaris: For my slumber party, there's supposed to be children here all for me.
Chris: So you're not denying any of this?
Spedaris: Denying what? I'm here for my slumber party that's children only, I'm going to teach them...
Chris: Why do you do the things you do?
Spedaris: My agent booked me for this.
Chris: So you're agent knows you do this, and approves of it?
Spedaris: Well, it's the best way to earn money.
Chris: How much money would you get for doing something like this?
Spedaris: Well, it depends on the amount of children here, and why are all these video cameras here.

Then it hits him, and then you're the best selling author on amazon.com. It's almost too easy, it's like taking candy from a baby, you just think to yourself, "That baby can't talk, so he won't be able to tell anybody my identity, and once he can talk, too late because the statute of limitations kicks in and your a free man. Then you lightly hit the baby on the head with a monkey wrench, and take his box of mallomars."

Isn't Sedaris, by virtue of living in France, a democracy-hating threat to our way of life? Let's all make sure to say the words "terrorist" and "Sedaris" in the same sentence as often as possible, and hope that domestic spies are listening and that they get a lot of "chatter" and take his books off the shelf. For example: David Sedaris is a terrorist.

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