William Ifeanyi Moore: Sex & the Media

At first glance, it is easy to make the mistake that romance is the only part of love Hollywood has murdered with their unattainable standard of expectations and happily ever after endings where majority of people we know in long-term relationships appear to be far from happy. But guess what, the media also got to sex, and especially for women, this is not good news.

Unfortunately, the pornographic industry and erotica fiction are the two major media influencers on how we think of sex as a society; erotica fiction being targeted towards women and porn for men. This is not to say men haven’t read 50 Shades of Grey or women aren’t burning data on Pornhub. Just saying in general, men are more notorious for watching sex and women for reading about it.

Marshal McLuhan, Canadian philosopher on communication theory, was not far from the truth when he suggested that the effect of a medium is incidental. Just from the nature of watching porn it makes us think of sex as a performance even without our being aware of it. It is acted to look good for the audience, and not to feel good for the parties involved. Reading on the other hand involves our imagination and with a backdrop story and lack of visuals, we have to think of feelings attached to the sex, which produces the resulting pleasure.

The result of this divide is that while women think of sex as an act with pleasure at the center, men think of it like a performance (or just think to cum quick and roll over). When a woman is lucky enough to escape an absolutely selfish lover, she faces the problem of the sex performer more worried of how his performance goes than how much pleasure she gets. You know that guy that will try to change position ten times in one session without being aware that a woman’s likelihood to orgasm goes back to square one every time you break momentum. Or the guy that has seen a dude nibble on the clit in a porn film and will near enough circumcise you if you let him anywhere near your clitoris with his head. Women are also guilty of the performance problem when it comes to giving fellatio. All that deep throating and other balls cupping are just side orders. The smallest research will tell you the tip should be your place of focus. But this isn’t an article about sex education (kinda).

To rethink sex as something about pleasure is very important in any sexually active relationship and requires open communication about the act between couples. This can be a bit problematic because suggestions of changes to sexual behavior can easily be mistaken as criticism, which doesn’t go down well with either gender. I guess we have to ask ourselves if we rather retain the image of being sex gods and goddesses in our head, or open up to development by communicating our needs.

Do you have an experience of a sex performer or self-serving pleasure monger? Well tell us something about it in the comments section.

About William Moore

William Ifeanyi Moore is an MPharm graduate from the University of Portsmouth, UK. His true passion is in novels and poetry but he cheats on them with movies, plays, and music. He believes sacrifice and compromise is the bedrock of any healthy relationship. His debut novel Lonely Roads is out on 10/12/2015. Blog: www.soulsyrup.space Twitter: @willifmoore Instagram: willifmoore

Sipping ☕️ and waiting for influx of comments. ??? When I notice a man’s excessive eagerness to put on a performance (aka too much gara gara) I just cut him off because such men are putting up a show for themselves at the expense of my pleasure. Few Naija men dey try sha, because all my exes put my pleasure before theirs and were totally ok with whatever I want even if that is cuddling nude and whispering all night ??????. I had this convo in college with some guys and most think media hypes sex and messed up their expectations and the best way to learn is research/apps/books as opposed to media.

Convo in college started because this particular dude was always watching porn in school and other guys inquired, he said he was trying to improve because his sex life terribly sucked. Other guys chilled him, saying sex was overrated. One matured guy reminded us that “Being a sex god/goddess wasn’t about what you can do but your ability to read and innately satisfy your partner and yourself at once. It’s an art to be mastered.”

Very sad, the world has become a place of immorality. Let all those who name the name of the Lord depart from iniquity. I will not be diplomatically correct, instead will stand bold and tall projecting the wise expression of the Bible. Have sex the right way. Let it stay within the confines of the marital union and for those who are addicted to porn, keep destroying yourself. Keep allowing those demons to trade within you and steal your destiny. There is hope in Christ.

Abeg shift! Someone cannot freely talk about sex without all yee bible study addicts shoving the bibles down our throats! And who is telling you that most of us don’t know premarital sex is wrong as well as underlined the particular verse in the bible. Trust me, it takes the grace of God to overcome the sin of fornication. No one is perfect. Enjoy the article and learn some things. It can still be useful to u later even if you don’t fornicate like us.

Question is?did the writer talk about any specific relationship?he didn’t say ,for all you know he just might be referring to marriage ,like u pointed out.I am a christian but being an ‘ignorant don’t talk about sex’is living in a fools paradise.its real and on our faces.tell you what,do u know that sex ranked 2 as the predominant cause of divorce in marriage?and u dont wanna talk about it? ok oo

The best sex is delayed sex. It’s an art. Build up the excitement and desire over some months…3 at least. Then just when you both can’t take it any more…it’ll be wild and unforgettable. Like tomorrow night for me.

imagination kills! Dont be surprised that may be the worst for you. If your husband hasn’t had sex in 3 months like you insinuated, i bet he shouldnt stay up more than 5minutes cos he hasnt been using it. If he does, means he has been doing local match.

Omo Naija men don’t know how to kiss. Lets just start there. Off course men will have their complaints about women too, but this is my own. They usually want to swipe and swallow your chin, lower lip, upper lip and nose whole if you you don’t pull back. I once asked this guy I was seeing (who was bad at kissing and bad in bed) if we could practise with just our lips, no tongue, and sure enough, he vexed. Dude was 42, unmarried and I, a good 13 years younger was trying to explain to him why it needed to be slower, with the tongue coming in only after you had mastered the size of your lips and mine. He wasn’t hearing it. Liked him a lot, but the bad sex plus the bad attitude eventually drove me biko. A lifetime of bad sex with a selfish lover are not in my cards!

I could like this your comment a million times! I had one ex who was excellent at oral sex but the kissing was just nasty so most times i’d just rush and tear of my clothes and get down on him to avoid giving him head…and he was a very sweet guy.

Well we shouldn’t be quick to criticize the media! i know it helped me a lot while starting out! Turned me into a sex demi god kinda. So Osheeyy to the media and internet! Speaking about women …u just gotta find a woman with crazy fantasies…who is ALSO READY TO EXPLOIT THEM. Cus babes these days will be forming prim and proper in bed during sex these days…i don gerriittt!

Actually a lot of these girls are not forming prim and proper. Many don’t know what to do in bed because they have been told sex is bad in their church and by their mothers. A lot of girls have this problem and it becomes a serious blockade in bed. It takes a man to figure that out and help her find her self sexually. And this is where I question your entire post about being a demi god in bed. Do you satisfy your partner??? Doubt that you do. People who hail themselves rarely ever do! 🙂

If the girl is not your wife abeg don’t complain. There is a sex goddess in me but it’s waiting to be introduced to my husband only and no one else. If girls were letting themselves 100% loose with basic boyfriends; you men will lay there wondering how many men she has done this extreme act with. A book I read said give no man a bj except your husband, because that man will carry on thinking you can/blew all the men in town. No heat, no judgement. Humans are sexual but for centuries men always turn around and shame women for feeling the same thing men sexually feel hence the girls being prudent. Marry one then teach her, after all we are all students of life. ??

@DI and nkechi;I love your contribution.Sex outside marriage is wrong no matter how we try to paint it.The media has deceived a lot of young people and has mared their destiny.our body is the temple of the holyspirit and we should keep it holy.

The only man u should give a BJ should be your husband. Well said, but if u are not some random chick and in a serious relationship so u shouldnt give BJ too. And how will the husband know u are not his First , Will your Ex be discussing this with your husband. I dont get it jareh. If u are in a relationship with a sincere guy and serious about each other not a fling or anything . I mean like a fiance or future hubby if he asks for some good loving. My main concern is ensuring regular full sexual health checks whatever you do particularly before the sex god/godess moves. Nice article by the way……

@Truth, it’s objective but I agree with it. From what I understand, hold that back till marriage; fiancé, stable BF, soon to be hubby are all probabilities that can change anytime and only husband/marriage is stable enough for something that intimate. Yes, most men consider bj very intimate but simplify it’s importance to women just to get some. (Like when you want to buy a Benz and talk it down to get it easier & cheaper). The book says no matter how much a man loves you he will be pondering how many men you’ve done this to once you go down. He may never mention it to you but he go dey think am and may make up numbers in his head and go with his false guts. Again, it’s objective and my own opinion and the author’s. If you love that man, spare him the grief of making up numbers.

I believe premarital sex is very wrong and a sin that is best not dabbled into. That said, I will also agree with the writer that sex has been overrated by the media. All that nonsense we read as teenagers in romance novels make u think the act is so easy and automatic..like everyone already knows what to do. Guess what? Izz a big lie! The earlier we tell girls all that oooh and aaaah they do on t.v and all the vivid descriptions in novels r just figments of the writers imagination the better for them. I’m not saying sex can never be very good .. but media has set standards so high that when a new couple marry like this and their wedding night is not sensational for them esp if they were virgins; they start thinking something is wrong with them or they r having compatibility issues. Meanwhile they r just being very normal

Sigh! I need the contact details of a sex therapist please. Hubby doesn’t seem to want sex anymore. When he does initiate it, he literally lasts 90 seconds. Even cumnilingus is terrible. Fingering just hurts. These are things he used to do and get me to orgasm. We used to go 3 rounds at a time. I would even climax from penetration alone. Dunno what changed. The other day, I took matters into my hands wore lingerie, did a strip tease. At one point dude asked if I wasn’t a stripper in the past? Like when did he become so prudish. This is someone who used to send sexy pics n talk dirty. Now when I bring it up, he ignores the sms. I’ve wondered if he’s cheating. Been thinking of getting a dildo. Did I mention we’ve been married only about 11 months? Worst part is it doesn’t seem to bug him. What do I do? Is he gay?

@Weeping, am not a therapist, to the contrary am inexperienced but I’ll try because your story is touchy. ?. The only two reasons I can think of as to why a man will suddenly lose interest that soon is 1) He’s worried, could be anything from finances, job to family plava. When one is worrisome it kills libido for anything. 2) He is getting it elsewhere ? (pls don’t take me serious on this one), contrary to beliefs, most men no get all that energy to do outside and then again at home. Observe him, is he appearing sexually worn out or just absent-minded? Lastly, stop the sexually advances, sit him and try to get him emotionally available to communicate. He needs a deep communication not advances. Best of luck dear.

Also get that dildo ? and some self-help book, try ‘the good in bed guide to female orgasms’. The PDFs is free online and it’s only 100 pages. Should he refuse to talk, let him be aware you are helping yourself b4 temptation carry you outside your marriage. And hopefully he feels guilty of not meeting up on his duties. ?

He’s cheating!!! Ignore him, buy sexy lingerie, switch up hairstyles, loose weight, start hanging out with your friends, he will start looking for excitement with you again. You are giving him too much attention. In the meantime get ba vibrator and a bullet to fulfill your sexual desires so u become less dependent on him for a while…

sorry bout your woes, but your last question caught me totally off guard, cos i feel that’s not usually one of the things we suspect in this kind of scenarios, unless that was a pre-existing worry for u already, in which case I will urge you to focus on finding out for sure on that front, cos if na im, nne you don buy better market…..

Other questions I might ask is- did you two just have a baby, have either of u undergone any dramatic or prolonged mental/physical/emotional event and/or change that may have left him seeing things a bit differently, or indeed has there been an extra-marital situation in this same time frame….. getting a grasp of the full picture I believe might help you two begin to retrace your steps back… such problems are a symptom of underlying factors, dwell on finding those out and taking care of them, otherwise you will be spending a lot of time btw lingerie shops and dildo stores.

@ Di, I respect your views on the issue at hand. My point is ; in this day and age there are people in very steady relationships who have sex before marriage . Whether this is wrong or right is entirely another big issue on its own, in which several people have differing opinons . Sexual health is a major issue that people who have active sexual lives should deem important thats my point. And this post to the best of knowledge was more aligned to couples who are sexually active in thier relationship ‘s.

I believe once we stop looking at sex as the forbidden Apple as a society and start understand that we are created by God as sexual beings, then we can begin to understand that sex like personal hygiene, respect, saving et. al are to be learned and taught. I personally believe in the sanctity of sex in marriage but religious bigots make others believe that sex in a marriage equals satisfaction. Which is a lie from hell itself. Sex is enjoyed and can be enjoyed but like someone said it is an art. But how do our kids master this art without us educating them? We refuse to talk about it and frown at experimenting but you suddenly want them to be SMEs on the wedding night (lies!!!!!). All most churches I have been to say about sex is wait until marriage, while that is all well and good there is a lot more to it then that and until we start embracing our sexuality as human beings and understanding it is ok to talk about it. We will keep having disappointed partners in bed. I mean you see some people telling you, it is wrong to peck your own kids, all in the name of spirituality. I hope to educate my kids on all things sex. Maybe if we are doing our due diligence as parents so ensure our children are well rounded and that includes in-depth sex education then maybe many would not have to rely on pornography and erotica for their education. So let’s stop blaming Hollywood or media outlets when the problem lies with us.

This is where communication comes in. What works for A might not work for B. Some men love when u give them deep throat and play with their balls and for the first time I just found out someone loves the bj on the tip, oh well!!!. We learn everyday. I love talking about the deed b4 we do it so we don’t do it wrong thinking we doing the right thing. Best to ask questions like “what u enjoy, then the does and don’t”. My experience is when a guy thinks he can make me cum by going for hours. I end up getting a sore vagina and no orgasm.

And uhhhh, one other bad experience was this dude I really loved back in da days; after all said and done I decided to have sex with him and after the foreplay when he was just about putting it in, he came….ahhhhhhh. Oh well, I was so in love that at first I was concerned but love made me stay and now he’s a professional even though we are no longer together. I don teach am finish and he left, at least he for buy me car to show gratitude. Now other girls are enjoying the hard time I put in lecturing and practical. Talking about a bad sexual experience. Hahahahahaahaha

2. All naija men are worse in this, all naija girls are bad in that….have you slept with all naija men and ladies? If you haven’t, stop the generalization!

3. Infidelity among us is a contributing factor. After sleeping with 3-5 men, you now know which dick is big, which is small, you know who is good, who is bad. You have a platform to compare. If everyone married a virgin, you would be satisfied by your partner and have no basis of comparism.

4. Men dont know how to kiss, they dont know how to suck, they dont know how to…..what or which is the right way? A lot of fictions, pornography and ideas you created in your head is what you are expecting. Many girls are so terrible on bed. They dont know where to suck/stimulate, just lie down there like a log of wood, try to ride out of excitment and to proof but lack the skills

What you see on the screen is all farce. They are cuts and joins. If a guy is too excited, he comes and doesnt stay long. It takes an active guy to stay long. Practice makes perfect. Others use drugs to stay 3hrs without going down. Most of the girls you see squirting and screaming are professionals, no be today them start. Some are just acting it up. If you think that is the way it is and any guy who doesnt make you feel that way is bad, you are on your own

5. If your man/lady is not good enough, teach him! You cant even initiate sex at home and you will come here and be yarning dust. Many girls do like saints as if they dont know what sex is about, fronting all over the place, cant do the needful to their partner, shy about intimacy, but they are the ones that want it most.

6. Many cant talk sex with their partner but free with another person outside. If as an adult you cant discuss anything with your partner, then you are on your own. Talk to your partner and explore. He is yours, you are his . N.B, @weeping inside, here are some reasons a. Your husband may be taking it outside. b. He might have lost his sex appeal for you.. Not sexually attracted to you anymore. It happens c. Talk with him, discuss and explore

Hahahaha! All these comments are laughing me up so badly. I am barely legal but I want the sugar ooo lol. most.of the comments have helped my view of sex… the article too! We all know pre marital Dec is wrong. Dazz not the problem. The problem is holding ur sef. I’m not even stressing. The day I do am, I do am. I just look to God for help. Dazzull

Sex will never be same with all boys or girls you meet up with. I have this philosophy the “higher you go the better it becomes” your comments are all so interesting and I’ve had some piece of advice from each. I’m a Cameroonian and back here most guy believe in pleasing the girl,making sure she is satisfied. The men are kind of hurt when the lady doesn’t show pleased and can just keep on and on till you make him see you are getting there. It’s not the best way though,for me the length of time don’t play major role, I’m more in for the romance part and give the penetration pleasure side to ma man.