Posted by BJ​Believing that laughter is a magic ingredient and important for having a good day, my day often begins with a call from Mike P. (he of 24 Hour Company and Billion Dollar Graphics fame) or vise versa with me calling him. The purpose of our call being to share the latest ‘bit’ that either of us has heard and to provide each other a chuckle or two. These are sometimes one’s we’ve heard but that doesn’t matter. This let’s us both start our day with a bit of levity, laughter, silliness, word play, etc.

So I thought I’d share a few of our favorites. (As will be quite evident I’ve no doubt, we’re not terribly discerning, nor are we by any means high brow. But we do have our standards. We keep it clean and non-offensive, both of us knowing that the best humor doesn’t offend and isn’t done at the expense of another.)

A couple of the most recent ones Mike has shared with me:​

​Question: What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

Answer: Breathe.

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Two sausages are lying next to each other in a frying pan. As the pan heats up, one sausage turns to the other and asks, “Is it just me or is it getting warm in here?”

The other sausage responds with, “Wow. A talking sausage.”

One of my favorites (This is reputed to be one of Johnny Carson’s favorites and I suspect many of you will relate to it.):

On a swelteringly hot day, two hippos are in a river, only their eyes above the water. After an hour or so, one of the hippos slowly raises his head, turns to the other hippo and asked, “Is it really only Tuesday?”

We’re also both big on puns, word play etc. Here are a couple I like a lot and which I shared with Mike recently:

​A hearse is driving up a steep hill when the coffin slides backwards, hits the back door and falls out. It slides down the hill, picking up speed and at the bottom of the hill crashes through the front doors of a drug store. The coffin continues through the store, hitting the pharmacy counter, wherein the lid pops up and the body sits up. The druggist looks over the counter and asks, “May I help you?”

The body says, “Yeah. You got anything to stop this coffin’?”

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God gives a young man a slice of lemmings (no, not as in a thin piece of a lemming, “slice” is the correct term for a group of lemmings, in this case let’s say somewhere between 100-150.) and instructs him to take them to a far away city and give them to the King.

The man does as he’s been told and leads the lemmings over hill and dale, through forests and fields. He then comes to a river.

The man tells the lemmings to jump in and swim across.

The first few lemmings jump into the river and immediately sink. The man instructs the other lemmings to stop, jumps in after the ones sinking and pulls them to safety. He then sits down to ponder the situation.

Shortly after this a lovely young maiden comes along. The man explains to the maiden what has happened. The maiden thinks about the situation for a few moments and then tells the man, “Walk beside the river for a ways and find a place where it is shallow enough for the lemmings to walk across.”

The man takes the maiden’s advice. He walks along the river and finds a shallow place where the lemmings and walk across. He then leads the lemmings to the spot and guides them safely across.

The moral of this story…and we all know there’s always a moral to the story, right? “When God gives you lemmings, made lemmings wade.”

​Heard a good, clean, cute one, ideally one involving word play or puns? Please do send it to us.

I like to exchange found “Spell Czechs” with a co-worker of mine, Dorothy Bullard. These are items in which all of the words are correctly spelled, but the phrase is still incorrect in some really terrible way. Some of the “Spell Czechs” that we’ve found include:

“Better Business Burro”
“…the need to engineer ahead of security breeches…”
“Needles to say…”
“We are going to get permeation from the management team for this particular day.”
“…a maintenance contract provides piece of mind.”

Someone who will remain nameless sent this message to a vacationing business partner:
“You can work out the details of the presentation with [a co-worker] and myself in early September after you return from the office.”

That same nameless person also wrote:
“In Microsoft Pain, a pixel that is added with the left mouse button can be removed with the right mouse button.”

Reply

Ruth Lown Turman

3/25/2016 03:55:07 pm

Some years back a company that shall remain nameless had a rather massive proposal process document that they were attempting to publish. Through the wonders of Word’s dubiously useful ability to Search and Replace All, with a combination of a few inadvertent key strokes our Proposal Methodology immediately became our Proposal MYTHOLOGY.

We have our proposal center wallpapered with quotes that either struck one or more of us as relevant or particularly amusing (at the time, anyway). Although not particularly funny, one of my personal favorites (hanging right up there between British Prime Minister Winston Churchill and U.S. President Harry S. Truman) is our own Nicholas Pressley’s: