Script

Siri Argument

By Dan Gurewitch

INT./EXT. VARIOUS LOCATIONS
FAST-PACED CUTS over CHARMING MUSIC.
Begin with the FIRST TEN SECONDS of the actual ad: Siri says
"What can I help you with?" Then: "We have a flat tire."
"How do I tie a bowtie again?" "What's the fastest way to
Hartford Hospital?" "Do I need an umbrella in New York this
weekend?" "Remind me to call Chris when I get home."
Then, continue with NEW FOOTAGE: A MAN walks down a street,
and a WOMAN (his wife) sits on her bed at home. They both
speak into their iPhones, growing increasingly agitated.
MAN
Tell my wife I'm gonna be 30
minutes late.
WOMAN
Tell my husband I'm not surprised.
MAN
Tell my wife if she has a problem
with my work schedule she is more
than welcome to get a job of her
own.
WOMAN
Tell my husband that I do just as
much work as he does.
MAN
Tell my wife that if watching
"Ellen" is a job she should get a
promotion.
CU: Woman's iPhone as SIRI speaks in her robotic voice:
WOMAN'S SIRI
Message from your husband: "I
appreciate you."
WOMAN
Bullshit. What'd he actually say?
WOMAN'S SIRI
Please don't drag me into this.
WOMAN
Siri, call my husband.
MAN
(as phone rings)
Siri, ignore the call from my bitch
wife.
WOMAN
Tell my husband that he said he'd
respect my choice to stay at home
with our child.
MAN
Tell my wife I would, but she can't
even get around to washing his
overalls.
MAN'S SIRI
Did you want me to search for
flower shops nearby?
WOMAN
Tell my husband that at least when
I sit on the washing machine, I
come.
MAN
Send my wife this picture.
Cut to Woman's iPhone: a picture of a MIDDLE FINGER.
MAN
And ask her if the washing machine
is-
Cut to Woman's iPhone:
WOMAN'S SIRI
...the only thing you've been
sitting on lately.
(beat)
Oh dear.
WOMAN
Ask my husband what he means by
that.
MAN
Tell my wife I think she knows.
CU on Woman's iPhone with search results:
WOMAN'S SIRI
Hey look, I Googled "Anger
Management Techniques."
WOMAN
Tell my husband to think very
carefully before he says whatever
he's about to say.
MAN
Ask my wife if she's fucking Jim
MacPherson!
MAN'S SIRI
I have scheduled Couples' Therapy
for Thursday at 6.
WOMAN
Tell my husband how dare he!
MAN
Tell my wife that's not an answer!
SIRI
...Is this my fault?
WOMAN
Tell my husband I will not answer
that!
MAN
ASK MY WIFE IF SHE'S FUCKING JIM
MACPHERSON!
SIRI
Searching for: A Place To Hide.
WOMAN
(in angry tears)
Tell my husband he wishes it was
JUST Jim MacPherson.
SIRI
I don't want to.
WOMAN
TELL HIM!
SIRI
Please don't make me.
WOMAN
DO IT!
MAN
SEND MY WIFE DIRECTIONS TO HELL!
The woman unleashes an ANGUISHED SCREAM.
The man unleashes an ANGUISHED SCREAM.
The woman throws her iPhone down; it SMASHES on the ground.
The man throws his iPhone down; it SMASHES on the ground.
SOBS as the camera ZOOMS slowly in on a SMASHED IPHONE.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Say goodbye to the most amazing
iPhone yet.
TITLE AND APPLE LOGO OVER WHITE: iPhone 4s
END.
TAG:
Man stands outside Woman's window, holding his phone above
his head.
MAN
Siri, play "In Your Eyes" by Peter
Gabriel.
SIRI
You can't be serious.
END.