~ Don't Touch the Pipebombs

Monthly Archives: July 2014

Well, Battleground ended and it’s time to just get this over with. This is really a tough show to call. I was looking forward to this show going in, mostly because the card was stacked, but the only things that delivered to its full potential, the wrong people won, except for on one occasion. The only good things, anyway. The things I expected to suck did indeed suck.

For an example of something that delivered but the wrong people won, I give you exhibit A: The Usos retaining the WWE World Tag Team Championship against the Wyatt Family. Now, don’t get me wrong, the match was very good. The first two falls were quick, so it gave me the indication that it wasn’t going to be as good as expected, but the third fall made up for that. Rowan kicked out of a splash which is great. The Double Superplex was awesome. And while the Double Splash was cool, the only thing I could do during it was facepalm because I knew the Usos were retaining. Terrible decision. The Wyatts have looked terrible since WrestleMania – all three of them – and they’ve done nothing to help change that.

Rating: *** (Would be higher if the right team won.)

Now, the Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins match never happened, which I’m not surprised by. It’s one of three matches they should’ve saved for SummerSlam and this is easily the hottest one, so I’m fine with what we got. In fact, the three instances of the Ambrose vs. Rollins beatdowns were easily the best things about this show. All of it was awesome.

The second match, and the only match that didn’t let me down, was A.J. defending the WWE Second Rate Women’s Championship against Paige. Sure, it’s clear that they didn’t go all out either, but it was still a good match. They will have another match, and another. Those will both be even better. Paige yelling come on A.J. was kind of awkward, unless it was some kind of psychotic episode. Anyways, A.J. retained as expected, and tomorrow Paige will be heel. I really want Paige to turn heel when the lyrics of A.J.’s theme that go “Every night, a brand new page” play over the speakers – that’s when the attack should happen. Please do this.

Rating: **1/2 (I think I’m about to have a divas match be my favorite match on the show to be honest.)

Jack Swagger lost by countout to Rusev in a bad match as expected, although the finish wasn’t terrible. But really, I hate them all and have nothing good to say.

Rating: *

Chris Jericho vs. Bray Wyatt wasn’t a bad match by any means, but it was WAY too short. The ending was completely out of nowhere. Once again, the Wyatts look terrible and this didn’t help as Jericho wins with a Codebreaker out of nowhere. They really should’ve just saved this for SummerSlam.

Rating: **1/2

The WWE Intercontinental Championship Battle Royal was enjoyable, but not without it’s shared of WTF moments either. Some thoughts:

1) Where was Rob Van Dam?
2) Worst part: WHY THE HELL WAS CESARO ELIMINATED BY HEATH SLATER?????
3) Best part: Dolph Ziggler eliminated not only Alberto Del Rio (YAYAYAYAY), but Sheamus as well (OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG)
4) Unfortunately The Miz still won because he’s a douche. Apparently Dolph can get rid of two douches, but three is too many. Damnit, The Miz is a good heel but he doesn’t deserve anything in this business. Just go away.
5) WWE Intercontinental Championship status: Complete irrelevance
6) The Great Khali only knows one move.

Rating: **1/2

And finally, John Cena retained Daniel Bryan’s and former WWE Superstar C.M. Punk’s WWE World Heavyweight Championship against Randy Orton, Kane, and Roman Reigns in a “Wrestler A hits finisher on Wrestler B and Wrestler C breaks up the pin” Match, and it was as boring as expected. I love how there was a Cena Reigns stare down #AndNoOneCared. Also, they keep coming up with dumber and dumber finishes. #LOLCenaWins Not even a cash in attempt or Brock Lesnar appearance afterwards.

Rating: *

Overall, I’m not sure what to say about this show. The first forty minutes to an hour were really good, then the only thing worth going out of your way to see wasn’t even a match.

Overall Rating: **1/2

This is not the kind of show you put on if you want people to buy your network. Also, if you’re watching the show on the network, you should NEVER be advertised the network to. I can’t imagine how people outside the U.S. who can’t get the network no matter what feel when they’re being shilled the network to 38984938 times a show. What do you do with yourselves during this time? Next time don’t put tons of good matches on a show you know you should be saving for a later show. Also, I see SummerSlam is in Los Angeles for a change……….STOP THAT. WHY DOES LA KEEP GETTING THE SECOND BIGGEST PPV FOR A FIFTH YEAR IN A ROW? THERE’S ONLY ONE COOL PERSON IN L.A. AND SHE’S NOT A WRESTLING FAN. [/End irrelevant rant.]

Two out of Three Falls Match for the WWE World Tag Team Championship
(c) The Usos (c) vs. The Wyatt Family (Luke Harper and Erick Rowan)
My Winners: The Wyatt Family
Probable Winners: Tough one, but The Usos
Winners, and still WWE World Tag Team Champions, The Usos. XP

Yes, three weeks later and there’s already another PPV. Luckily after this one we’ll be back to a one PPV a month schedule, at least for a few months. This is one of the PPVs that should’ve been killed off, to be honest. We don’t need three PPVs between Extreme Rules and SummerSlam. We barely need two.

That being said, this show looks really good. Well, except for the main event. The main event is completely irrelevant. Hell, the main event through WrestleMania 31 is irrelevant. We know Brock Lesnar is winning the title at SummerSlam. We know he’s not losing the title until WrestleMania 31. We don’t know if he’s going to wrestle at every PPV like a WWE Champion has to. WWE really needs to smarten up when they make plans for their main events. You can’t give a part timer a title unless he’s going to defend it at every PPV. You shouldn’t allow people to know that the part timer isn’t going to lose until WM31 because it makes the last match on every show a forgone conclusion.

Actually, a lot of the good matches on this show I would’ve just saved for SummerSlam. As good as the card is, it mostly looks like what SummerSlam should be. SummerSlam’s going to have three rematches from this show, which kind of makes no sense really, considering it’s SummerSlam. And unless all three are gimmick matches, then what?

The preshow match is Naomi vs. Cameron which hopefully Naomi will win and Cameron can be fired.

The first match is Jack Swagger vs. Rusev, in a natural feud that I’ve paid almost no attention to because Jack Swagger shouldn’t have a job, Rusev is boring as fuck, and Lana is annoying and ugly. Zeb Colter is the only interesting part of this feud, and that’s only because he’s good on the mic – other than that his character is still a douchebag Republican. (Sorry for redundancy – I know the word Republican implies douchebag.) That being said, hopefully the match will be decent but Rusev will win. Joy.

The Usos will defend the WWE World Tag Team Championship against The Wyatt Family in a Two out of Three Falls Match. This should be another really good match like the one at Money in the Bank, but I wish the feud was actually interesting. It’s just been a series of matches. Can the Wyatts please win this match? Please? I’m almost begging. I feel like they have a better chance to win this time, but I just have a feeling that they won’t. I’m still predicting the Usos. (Can the Ascension debut if the Wyatts lose? Please?)

Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins is probably the match I’m looking most forward to, assuming they don’t run some kind of angle where Ambrose gets beat down before the match and Rollins wins quickly, which I feel like they could do. This is one of three matches that I’m going to talk about in succession that I feel like that’s true of. Regardless of what happens, Rollins is winning this – whether it’s a quick win from a beat down, cheating, or what, Rollins is winning. Well, or Ambrose will win by DQ or countout. Ambrose will not get his real revenge until SummerSlam.

A.J. Lee defending her WWE Second Rate Women’s Championship against Paige will kick off what will be the Trish vs. Lita feud of the modern era, only it will be better because A.J. and Paige are both better than Trish ever was. (Fuck Trish, overrated as hell. In so many ways.) Anyways, A.J. returned the night after MITB and won the title in similar fashion to how Paige won. But you already knew that, because they’ve replayed that on every show. I know the feud really hasn’t taken off just yet, but it will. It’s going to on this show, and the night after. Paige has been faking respect for A.J. ever since then and A.J. knows it – they’ve been teaming up and winning, but the tension is there and come the PPV or Monday, Paige will be full-fledged heel. A.J. is a face now just because she was gone. And she’s going to get C.M. Punk chants for the rest of her career because people won’t get over it like morons, even though he’s officially no longer under contract. That said, A.J. will retain, leading to the Paige heel turn and a rematch at SummerSlam. I don’t know if that will have a gimmick, but at some point these two MUST have a submission match. It has to happen. But I am so looking forward to this – besides A.J. vs. Kaitlyn I have definitely not been this excited for a divas feud since Trish vs. Mickie, or maybe ever. I don’t remember my feelings towards the Trish vs. Mickie feud at the time, but I look back at that match very fondly. As much as I don’t like Trish, that is one of the best women’s matches I’ve ever seen – possibly ever. Quite frankly it could be, I can probably name all of the good ones on no more than four hands. And while A.J. vs. Kaitlyn was really good – whether the feud was amazing or not, it was a feud I’d wanted going into WM29 itself, as A.J. and Kaitlyn had history, whether it was well represented on tv or not, but they did have history going back to at least 2011. But this is an age where women’s wrestling, at least on the main program, has been all but irrelevant, except for that feud, and mostly just A.J.. I’ve been waiting for this feud since I started watching NXT in December, even though I’d heard many good things about Paige for months prior. When Paige debuted after WM30, I yelled “Thank you” at the tv. I’ve never yelled “Thank you” at the tv for a woman’s wrestler before. Then when A.J. took time off, I was depressed about it. Then when she returned after MITB, I yelled “Thank you” at the tv again. That’s two times in less than three months I’d been genuinely excited for a woman’s debut/return (Hell, I was more excited that A.J. returned than Chris Jericho did, and he’s one of my favorite wrestlers of all time), which is more than any Kelly Kelly or useless Bella Twin or Eva Marie or Natalya could ever get. Fuck all of them. (Yes, even Natalya – she’s a good wrestler but she’s a douche.) I want some real women’s wrestlers on my tv, and enough of these useless models. Get rid of the Bellas and Eva Marie and Cameron and bring up Sasha Banks and Bayley, actually push Emma, Naomi, Summer Rae, and even though she’s a douche, you can still use Natalya. And when it’s time, Becky Lynch isn’t bad either. I want good women’s wrestling, and hopefully A.J. vs. Paige is only the beginning (and quite frankly it will be the best, because out of all of those they are the two best women WWE has.) (Random side note: Why do A.J. marks and Paige marks actually hate each other? This is what I hear from Twitter.) Whatever, I haven’t loved a diva like this since Mickie, maybe even Lita, maybe even never. I feel like A.J. probably is my favorite diva, ever. Period. And Paige is getting up there too. AND GIVE THIS MATCH TIME.

I just would like to point out that, to this point, half of the post has been about a DIVAS feud. That paragraph was 697 words. When was the last time anyone wrote 697 words about a divas feud????????????

??????

I’ll wait for an answer. Never? Probably.

Anyways, next is Chris Jericho vs. Bray Wyatt, in what will be another really good match that I’d have saved for SummerSlam, but whatevs. Out of the three of them, if one match HAD to wait, I’d say it’s this one. That’s not to say I’m not looking forward to it, because I most certainly am, but the story isn’t quite there yet for me. They’ve only gotten three weeks to do it, and while it hasn’t been bad, it just hasn’t been enough to build as much intrigue as I know there can be. Granted, it’d be a better match than Jericho vs. Miz by miles, that’d been a little better in terms of allowing storytelling to prevail. But oh well. That being said, I’m unsure who will win this. Normally it’s easy because Jericho always puts people over, but it is only three weeks in. They will likely work the three PPVs Jericho is back for, and Bray will win two, and Jericho one. The question is which of the first two does Jericho win? Or could they both be counted out, either ring out or neither can get up? Then have Falls Count Anywhere or Last Man Standing at SummerSlam, instead of a normal match? I have to predict a win for Bray, but either result will not shock me.

Next is the Twenty Man Battle Royal for the Vacant WWE Intercontinental Championship. I’d list the competitors, but it’s basically everyone that’s not injured that isn’t in a match and isn’t Stardust, Goldust, Adam Rose, and Damien Sandow. Now, there’s only a few victors that are really possible. Cesaro is the obvious favorite. Dolph Ziggler is my personal preference – he’s actually felt like he’s been out of “MUST BURY DOLPH” land for the past few weeks, actually – it’s quite nice. He’s not a World Champion, but he’s been doing better. Soon, Dolph. (Now let’s get Sandow and Rose some real pushes, too. And make Adam Rose Leo Kruger instead! And I’m sad Corey Graves is permanently not a wrestler. Damn. Anyways that was irrelevant.) Bo Dallas could also win. And you always have to throw in the Sheamus factor, but I don’t think he will. Whatever happens, I hope it leads to a Dolph vs. Cesaro match at SummerSlam because that would be EPIC. (Imagine Dolph/Cesaro, Ambrose/Rollins, Wyatt/Jericho, and AJ/Paige all on the same show. Hell, add on Reigns/Orton. Wyatts/Usos or Usos/Ascension or Usos/Little Gold Star, and Cena/Lesnar – that is STACKED.) Or the crazy scenario where Sami Zayn somehow debuts during this and wins leading to Cesaro/Zayn at SummerSlam. SummerSlam could be ridiculous. But, there is one thing that’s nagging me – they’re having Bad News Barrett award the title to the victor. I’m getting a nagging suspicion that they’re going to run an angle where Barrett delivers some bad news that he’s cleared for a rematch and he hits a Bullhammer immediately and gets the title right back. I’m fine with that, too, but I don’t know if it will happen. Anyways, prediction is Cesaro.

And finally the main event is John Cena defending Daniel Bryan’s and former WWE Superstar C.M. Punk’s WWE World Heavyweight Championship against Roman Reigns, Kane, and Randy Orton in what we can only hope will be a decent LOLCENAWINS match. End.

Anyways, that being said, the show should be really good except for the main event. Review on Sunday as always.