The Real "People of 2010"

Pop the champagne because another year filled with trashy reality TV, cheating scandals, and embarrassingly catchy pop-songs has come and gone. If any of you caught Matt Lauer’s "People of the Year" on Thanksgiving, then you probably shut it off when Kim Kardashian started talking about all the tough decisions she made this year (like, "deciding what color nail polish to wear"). Although I respect NBC’s nominations, I think the real awards should go to these people for showing us just how dysfunctional a year can be…

She broke up with her old-balls boyfriend in favor of better suitors, like rumored fling 50 Cent. From the sounds of 50’s tweets, this seems like a good choice ("Ok look, I hurt my neck having rough sex").

Although Kim Kardashian actually took the title, I think the credit should go to Bruce for having to put up with a house full of estrogen-heavy lunatics, not to mention an extremely bossy wife. Remind me again why these chicks are rich and famous? Okay, I get that Kim has a large ass and screws football players, but if that makes you filthy rich, half of my college cheerleading squad would be rolling in dough. At least Bruce has an Olympic medal.

Bristol Palin

While Matt Lauer gave a shout out to her mother, I think Bristol had a better year. Why?

She finally realized that Levi Johnston is a skeezeball, citing, "He’s just obsessed with the limelight and I got played" (better late than never, Brist).

She made a nation laugh, not only by watching her shake what Sarah Palin (and a teenage pregnancy) gave her on Dancing with the Stars, but also by participating in ridiculously ironic "Pause Before You Play" PSA’s for the Candie’s Foundation.

Most importantly, she was a big ego boost for the American public: whenever our lives were going poorly this year we could still think to ourselves, "At least we’re not Bristol Palin."

The 19 Kids & Counting Clan

Once again, these people made us feel better about our lives. When things were going wrong in 2010, I’m sure we all thought to ourselves, "At least I don’t have to share a dinner table with 18 siblings." Maybe these parents should take Bristol Palin’s advice and pause before the play, or better yet, take a condom from Mike the Situation. Seriously guys, I’m sure customers at the local Friendly’s will appreciate if you stop procreating! (I also wanna give a special shout out to Jedidiah and Jinger, because, as far as names are concerned, these poor kiddos got the short end of the unprotected stick.)

Shaquille O’Neal

Okay, maybe I’m biased because I’m a Boston Girl, but Shaq’s still got it going on. While LeBron put on a theatrical production titled "What Team am I Going to Pick…duh duh duh," his fellow Cav’s teammate strayed away from the drama, citing plain and simple, "For me, it really was not a tough decision to make. I just wanted to be with a great team." Maybe it’s because he’s too old and no one else wanted him, but I think Shaq made out well. Since he’s been injured, he’s basically getting paid $3 million to chill on the bench. I’ve personally liked Shaq ever since Aaron Carter wrote a song about him back in the day. Until Justin Bieber includes LeBron in a music video, I’m gonna give this award to Shaq.

Jake Gyllenhaal

The end of 2010 was pretty good to Jake. His film, Love and Other Drugs, opened to $14 million, not because of its sentimental plot, but because he was naked in about half the scenes. And I think girls around the globe will agree that he looked hot (props to T-Swift). Enjoy your lovefest while it lasts, Jakey; by the time 2011 rolls around you’ll be the main subject of Tay-Tay’s boy-bashing ballads.

Yonni Barrios (aka "the two-timing Chilean Miner")

We complain that we’re cramped up in our dorm room with three suitemates; this guy was trapped in a mine with 32 other dudes for 69 days! Yup, 69 long days without sex from his wife…or his mistress of five years. Unlike many American celebrities, he didn’t blame his two-timing actions on "sex addiction," but straightforwardly invited both women to visit him at the rescue site. What have we learned from Yonni? It takes five years, a near death experience, and international media coverage to get a man to admit he cheated.

Rihanna

In 2010 Ree-Ree gained some of the respect I lost for her by quickly forgiving Chris Brown in 2009. For whatever reason, her songs seem to dominate my gym playlist. And you know what? Her lyrics really speak to me. I too have dated a few lying rude-boys who I wanted to say my name and make me feel like the only girl in the world…and let’s just say, no, they weren’t big enough.

Cee Lo Green

I think we can all admit to having blasted his hit single "Fuck You" when we were extremely pissed off at someone. Thank you for putting us in a better mood Cee-Lo, I’m sure your gold-digging ex-girlfriend regrets dumping your ass.

The Old Spice Guy

Because after a decade of metrosexuality and an overload of men’s pink polo shirts, I think it’s reassuring to have a man that smells like a man. And the fact that he has amazing abs and can turn an Old Spice bottle into diamonds is just an added bonus.

4 Comments

hmmm interesting history on Old Spice J.E., maybe that's why the Old Spice Guy apparently smells like a man who can bake me a gourmet cake in the dream kitchen he built for me with his own hands...bakers usually smell fruity

I thinks it's a sad indictment against the uninteresting nature of the Olympics that Bruce Jenner can only be a millionaire by being a trophy husband to a former trophy wife.

"I think it's reassuring to have a man that smells like a man." Not to be a douche but, the funny thing about that quote is that research has shown that both men and women find scents that were formerly considered feminine to be most attractive. If you smell Old Spice Swagger, it smells fruity (not like gay but like fruit) which is the former concept of femininity in a fragrance. Part of why Old Spice has put such ironically uber manly characters in their commercials is to re-associate the formerly feminine fragrance as manly. The reality is that Old Spice is making macho douches into metro-sexuals without their con-scent (I'm funny, please fuck me (it's funny because I learned to be funny so that people would love me (they don't (because they think I'm an attention fiend (they're right))))).