David Cameron scoops best actor Oscar

Conservative Party leader David Cameron last night beat off stiff competition from Hollywood legends Morgan Freeman and Jeff Bridges to win this year’s coveted Academy Award for best actor for his captivating portrayal of a common man making his way among the privileged and the powerful.

‘It’s a real Everyman story, isn’t it?’ said industry mogul, Hank Chin. ‘Wealthy young man goes to Eton and Oxford, marries the daughter of the 8th baronet and then vies for the highest political office in the land. Everyone in Hollywood fell for his lovable, feel-good character, and I’m sure he’ll storm the box offices in May.’

‘The story’s great, but it’s really Cameron’s performance that carries the whole show,’ continued Chin. ‘As a man struggling for the approval he craves while attempting to conceal the moral and emotional vacuum at the very core of his being, he’s remarkable. And like the greatest actors, so much of the power of the performance is in what’s not said. The words might be empty, but you’re left in no doubt exactly what it is he wants.’

‘He played the whole part superbly,’ agreed critic Winona Hoff, ‘but of all the memorable scenes it’s the ‘We can’t go on like this’ speech which really stands out. It was painful to see him feeling an entire nation’s disappointment, but at the same time promising them deliverance. It just shows the extent of his character’s self-deception and how skilfully Cameron played the part. When they played it back word-for-word at the ceremony, there wasn’t a dry eye in the house.’

‘Ultimately, though, you know an actor is something special when his performance shows you something about yourself,’ continued Hoff. ‘And even now as I stare into Cameron’s shining forehead on the billboard posters, it’s as if I see myself looking back at me. Amazing.’

The award rounded off a great evening for the Tories as George Osborne picked up the best supporting actor gong for his moving display of an accountant shamed by his difficulty with numbers, and Cameron’s make-up team won the Oscar for best effects.

But as Cameron began his acceptance speech without notes and thanked his stylist, nutritionist, personal trainer, voice coach, hairdresser and everyone at the Sunny Side Up tanning salon, there was embarrassment as he came to an abrupt halt following a problem with the autocue. ‘He’s a true pro, though,’ purred a Tory aide. ‘He really brought the house down with that ‘Broken Hollywood’ quip. There’s no way they’ll be voting for change next year.’