I found many versions of this song at the Ozark Folk Center in Mountain View, Arkansas. Some of the versions had as many as 40 lines, but the version collected locally by Dr. Bill McNeil had 32. The song was originally published in 1887 as "Old Maid's Last Hope" and credited to E. S. Thilp, of whom nothing else seems to be known. After a little more research, I will post a version or two.

I learned this version as a child 50 years ago. I had no idea it was an established song. I thought someone in my family had just made the song up. My family was always getting together on Saturday nights in the summer and singing the evening through. Anyway, here is my version of "THE OLD MAID AND THE BURGLAR MAN".

I'll sing you a song of a burglar man, who started to rob a house. He crept in at the window, as silently as a mouse.

While thinking of all the treasures he'd get, while under the bed he lay; About nine o'clock he saw a sight that would make your hair turn grey.

About nine o'clock an old maid came in, "I am so tired she said". Thinking everything was fine and all right, she forgot to look under the bed.

She took out her teeth, her old glass eye, and the hair from the top of her head; The burglar man had forty-one fits when came from under the bed.

She stood there quiet, she stood there still, she stood there meek as a lamb. "Dear Lord, my prayers have been answered at last, for at least I have found me a man!"

I'll sing you a song of a burglar beau who came to rob a house, He opened a window and then crept in as sly as a mouse. He looked around for a place to hide when the people were all asleep, And then said he with harmony, I'll take my gentle sneak.

So up-under the bed the burglar crept, he lay up close to the wall, He did not know t'was the old maids' room, or he wouldn't have gone there at all. He was thinking about the time he'd have, while under the bed he lay, The clock stuck nine, he saw a sign, that turned his whiskers gray.

At nine o'clock the old maid came in, "Oh dear, how tired", she said. She thought everything was alright, that night, but she never looked under the bed. She took out her teeth, and her big glass eye, and the hair from off her head... And the burglar he had seventeen fits, when he looked from under the bed.

From under the bed the burglar crept, he looked a total wreck, And then the old maid, who was wide awake, had grabbed him around the neck. She did not holler, or scream at all. She was just as cool as a clam. "Thank heavens!", she said, "My prayers have been heard, and at last I have found me a man."

She drew a gun from her bureau drawer, unto this buglars' head... "Promise to marry me now young man, or I'll blow of the top of your head." The burglar, he looked around in alarm, and he saw no place to scoot... He looked at her teeth and her big glass eye and he said, "For God's sake, shoot."

Obviously all the above posters are talking about the same song, folk-processed only in some details. JannaRae, your line "And then the old maid, who was wide awake..." suggests that the burglar had waited until he thought the lady slept. Still we are not told whether she had heard him and resolved to trap him, which I think would be the most logical explanation. Well, realism cannot be expected from such a song. Actually I don't think it is funny enough to be exempt from charges of invidiousness.

A BURGLAR'S EXPERIENCE WITH AN OLD MAID* As recorded by John Ferrell on a Zonophone record, 1901.

I'll sing you a song of a burglar chap who went out to rob a house. He lifted a window and then he crawled in, as quiet as a mouse. He looked for a place for to hide himself, till all the folk were asleep, And then says he, "With all the money I see, I'll take a quiet peep." So under the bed the burglar crept and hid himself close to the wall. He never once thought 'twas an old maid's room or he never would have had the gall. He thought of all the money he'd get, as under the bed he lay. About nine that night, oh, he saw such a sight! In an hour his hair turned gray.

It was just nine o'clock the old maiden came in. "Oh, dear! I'm so tired," she said, And thinking that night of course all would be right, she never looked under the bed. She pulled out her teeth and her big glass eye and all of the hair off her head. The burglar had seventeen athletic fits as he looked out from under the bed. He thought of a chance that he'd get away; ... was a total wreck. The fussy old maid was wide awake and she collared this ... by the neck. She never once hollered or screamed worth a cent, but stood there as cool as a clam And murmured, "My prayer has been answered at last! Thank heavens! They've sent me a man!"

And the band played Annie Laurie, and Annie Rooney too, And the band played anybody, for any old thing would do**.

[* Title as listed at YouTube. It is stamped onto the record as "A BURGULARS [sic] EXPERIENCE WITH AN OLD MAID".

[** Possibly a reference to a music-hall song sung by Harry Champion, ANY OLD THING WILL DO.]

Jim Dixon -- I just found that video after clicking the link you provided above; thanks for the transcriptions, especially for the coda (and apparently, based on that ending, she did in fact marry him, instead of shooting him, if the implication is that the band was playing for the wedding).

The basic story was certainly being sung around 1900-1910. My grandparents used to sing a parody on the popular song 'My own Bluebell' c1904 in which each of the 3 independent verses tells a different joke based on something named 'Bluebell' In the first verse the language is bluer than Bluebell, in the second Bluebell is a racehorse, but in the last verse....well here it is...

One night I went out burgling, I entered a house at dark, And when I got to Bluebell's room I fairly got a start; For she had a loaded pistol And placed it against my head, She said, 'Marry me or I'll fire.' So I looked at her face and said, 'Goodbye old Bluebell, Farewell, adieu, I've seen better faces On the monkeys in the zoo. When I first saw you I thought you was a beaut, But if that's your face it's a darned disgrace, And for the Lord's sake shoot!'

Another feature of the song in question is the 'false-parts' theme in which the female takes off a whole catalogue of falsies. This dates back to at least the 17th century. I have about a dozen songs spanning the 3 cenuries plus that utilise the theme.

Another feature of the song in question is the 'false-parts' theme in which the female takes off a whole catalogue of falsies. This dates back to at least the 17th century.

I am currently working on a blogging project (Plato's Nightmare / Aesop's Dream) focused on exploring the various images of disability as it appears in folklore and literature up until the start of World War 1 (which is where I set my own, arbitrary, beginning of "The modern world"). If this theme goes back 300 years, it certainly qualifies, and I would love to pick your brains on the theme and motifs around it. Do you have access to Mudcat PM (are you just sans cookie, at the moment)? Or is there some other way I can chat with you?

One of the developing themes of my folklore blog is how disability in general, and missing "parts" in particular, is linked to the idea of monsters, and evil. And in that 1660 ballad you quote, I note that it's when the woman starts unlacing her prosthetic leg that the man notes that he's been deceived by the devil.

With "The Old Maid and the Burglar," is this an instance when the human is under the bed, and the monster is snuggled comfy between the sheets? ;-)

And as for the version "Side by Side," if I were to write a final verse in defense of the bride, I'd note that her arms and legs and hair may be on the chair, but her heart was in the bed.

Once there was a burglar bo who tried to rob a house. He crept up into a window as quite as any mouse, and lay quietly against the wall. That night at nine-o-clock the old maid she came in. I'm so tired she said, so she never looked under the bed. She took out her teeth, her bum glass eye and the hair from the top of her head. And the burglar bo had just 17 fits as he looked from under the bed. The old maid laying wide awake grabbed him by the neck. With a revolver in one hand said, young man you'll marry me or I'll blow off the top of your head. The burglar bo looking all around, could find no place to scoot, looked at her teeth and her bum glass eye and said for God's sake shoot.