Liz- Season 5 | Episode: 4 Live Show [ East Coast Version ] | Scene: The Reveal
Look, Jack I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, I mean, I know who I am. I know I'm not the funnest person in the group. I'm not the one you call when you want to go clubbing on the town and party-dance all night.

That's the name of your network? Isn't "twink" a term for a young hairless gay man?

Jack:

Nonsense. TWINKS is an acronym designed to project a positive gay image. "TWINKS: Television With Individuals... Naive Kinky Shaved." Okay. If the network were thriving it would be one thing, but my programming has yet to find it's footing.

TWINKS could be extremely lucrative. Advertisers covet this demographic. When I was with D'Fwan on Queen of Jordan he spent four thousand on chihuahua outfits. For himself.

Liz:

Okay well don't worry about TGS. I'll take care of this "hiatus" thing myself.

Jack:

Thank you, Lemon. I'd like to help but I'm afraid My Hands Are Tied... is the only show anyone's watching on TWINKS.

Frank's Plan B

Liz:

The important thing is this "forced hiatus" is only temporary. We'll be back before you know it.

Frank:

Sydney! It's Frank. TGS is dead. Start booking me stand up gigs. How many black women's colleges are there in the country?

Liz:

What are you doing?

Frank:

You just said we're going on a forced hiatus. I know what that means. Time for plan B. Harriet Tubman School or Nursing? Yes and yes!

Pete's Plan B

Pete:

Well good thing I kept my teaching certificate so I can still sub. Last time I taught I was like Robin Williams in Dead Poet's Society, by which I mean I got fired.

Liz:

No, Pete, this is only temporary.

Jenna's Plan B

Jenna:

Thanks for telling me, Liz. We'll get through this.

Liz:

Oh, thank you! Finally someone with some faith.

Jenna:

No, I meant my Jenna Babies and I will get through this. I've been selling these on QBC for years. It's my plan B. This is Asian Jenna Baby.

Asian Jenna Baby:

Excuse me G.I., do you miss your girlfriend? I'm good at math.

Jenna:

So it's not offensive.

Sue's Plan B

Liz:

Where are you going? It's just until Tracy comes back.

Sue:

I'm going to back tot he job I had in Holland: Police Psychic. A Dutch TV show is based on me.

Dutch Actress:

Ik zie een hand te verhogen dit mes op. Het is heel donker. Is er een klomp en een windmolen... De moordenaar was de Eerste Minister! [subtitles: I see a hand raising this blade. It is very dark. There is a wooden shoe, and a windmill... The murderer was the Prime Minster!] [title: Van Der Hoot: Psychische (De Mentaalist)]

Liz:

Come on, Sue. You can't just leave me here with Toofer.

Toofer:

Actually I'm off, Liz. With my degree I can always go into architecture or medical nanotechnology...

Liz:

Wait, what did you major in?

Toofer:

Sorry, I don't understand. Oh I see. Uh, at Harvard we call them "concentrations."

Kenneth Wants to Help

Liz:

You're my last hope. Please tell me you know this is temporary.

Kenneth:

Of course it is. Cuz I'm gonna find a way to save the show! Lemme just take out my idea journal. Hmm. This just says "bird Internet."

Don't let work be everything, Jack. Family's just as important as fixing that fellas that like fellas network you talked me into buying.

Jack:

I'm on top of that.

Hank Hooper:

Are you? Jack, there's lots of things I like. Fishing, marches by John Philip Sousa, telephones that look like footballs, but there's one thing I don't like: losing money. Now I don't know if my tone is conveying the fury I feel about this, but I am, pardon my French, "bonjour." [laughs]

It's okay, Jack. You made a bad decision and bought something you didn't understand, like when I bought tickets for Black Swan. Remember when a movie was just a fella with a hat running away from a fella with no hair?

Jack:

No.

Hank Hooper:

The point is you failed. But unless there's a gay Jack Donaghy locked up somewhere who understands all this stuff, let's just chalk this one up to "never again" and enjoy our lunch.

Jack:

Hank. There is a gay Jack Donaghy. His name is Devon Banks.

Cashmere:

Are you okay?

Devon Banks:

I sense something. A presence I've not felt since...

Jack & Liz Cross Examine Plan Bs

Jack:

Lemon. I've decided to hire Devon Banks.

Liz:

Banks? But he's your nemesis. That would be like me hiring that mouse that keeps pooping in my slippers.

Jack:

Devon is the perfect man to fix TWINKS. He's a gay shark, like the actor who played Jaws.

Liz:

But he's going to come in and try to ruin everything and everything is already ruining itself.

Jack:

Not this time. Banks put all of his eggs in the Obama basket. When the administration started to falter because of our conspiracy- I mean Obama's ineptitude, he tried to distance himself publicly from uh... your president.

Obama:

The recession we're emerging from was primarily caused by a lack of responsibility and accountability...

Jack:

Then he tried to rejoin us capitalists. Showed up at John Paulson's sweet sixteen billion party. Nobody would talk to him. Not even Ira. And he was all "oh I'll just look at these books" then pretended to get a text and left. And we were all like "whatever, we'll go to iHop. And not tell him." [snickers]

Liz:

Where is he now?

Jack:

I tracked him down to an address in Brooklyn. He's on LinkedIn, Lemon. He might as well be dead. So I throw him a lifeline: if he comes crawling back like a gay, uh... crab, I guess? What else crawls, Lemon.

Liz:

Babies, Jack. You have one.

Jack:

Hank Hooper is a traditionalist. He had his first heart attack when he saw pineapple on a pizza. He'll hate Banks and his hairless nostrils. A man should have nose hairs.

Liz:

Hooper will hate Devon and he'll never be able to go over your head.

Jack:

Exactly. I'll pay him for his ideas and, uh... kick him out the door.

Liz:

Speaking of TV ideas, would you buy a show about a girl television writer trying to have it all in the city and also she's a vampire I guess.

Jack:

I like the end part. Uh, Lemon, why do you have a blank notepad with "Plan B" written on it?

Liz:

Because I'm freaking out. I told everyone about the forced hiatus.

Jack:

Wait, you said "forced hiatus?"

Liz:

Yeah! I didn't know it was code for "cancelled."

Jack:

I thought we understood each other!

Liz:

I thought we understood that you are never to think that I understand anything!

Jack:

And you have no plan B? I've been telling you to prepare for the end of TGS for the last two years.

Liz:

Well there have been a lot of Amazing Races on since then and I had to watch them and go online and comment on them.

Jack:

Here are your options: you can go to LA...

Liz:

Nuhhh... I've been to LA once.

Liz:

Olive just turns into Bartham?

Rioter:

Justice for Rodney King!

Liz:

How do I get to 10?

Rioter:

It's THE 10.

Jack:

You can't afford to be selective. Opportunities for writers are fewer are farther between.

Liz:

What about opportunities for storytellers? Beginning with the cave paintings Lascaux, mankind-

Jack:

I can get you a meeting with Nick Lachey for The Sing-Off.

Liz:

I'll take it!

Sorkin Doesn't Help

Liz:

You're here for The Sing-Off gig?

Aaron Sorkin:

Yeah.

Liz:

Do I know you?

Aaron Sorkin:

You know my work. Walk with me. I'm Aaron Sorkin. The West Wing, A Few Good Men, The Social Network.

Liz:

Studio 60?

Aaron Sorkin:

Shut up. Do you know Nick Lachey? I hear he doesn't even let you sit in the meeting, he just screams at you to see how you react.

Liz:

Wait, you're not really applying for this job, are you?

Aaron Sorkin:

Course I am. You've got to take work where you find it, especially now. Our craft is dying while people are playing Angry Birds and poking each other on Facebook. What is poking anyway? Why won't anybody do it to me? I'm cool.

Liz:

So it's really that bad out there. I mean, you're Aaron Sorkin. Speaking of Angry Birds, do you know how to beat 11-4? It's just a red guy and a green guy.

Aaron Sorkin:

The key is do not use the green guy as a boomerang.

Liz:

Did we just go in a circle?

Aaron Sorkin:

Listen, lady - a gender I write extremely well if the story calls for it - this is serious. We make horse buggies. The first Model T just rolled into town.

Liz:

We're dinosaurs.

Aaron Sorkin:

We don't need two metaphors. That's bad writing. Not that it matters.

Assistant:

Mr. Sorkin? Mr. Lachey will see you now.

Aaron Sorkin:

Mr. Lachey. Huge fan! Huge fan. I have all your albums.

Frank Gives Kenneth His Plan B

Kenneth:

Oh, you'll be proud of me Miss Lemon! It is not easy coming up with ideas to save the show, but this morning I held up this sign in the Today Show window. [holds up "Do You Have Any Ideas?" sign] Now I'm just waiting for the phone to ring.

Liz:

Kenneth, you may not be able to save the show.

Frank:

If you want to save this dumb show you gotta get the fans involved. You know, like sometimes people mail stuff to networks to show how passionate they are. They sent light bulbs to save Friday Night Lights, hot sauce to save Roswell, and douche bags to save Entourage.

Kenneth:

Okay, so we just need to think of something that fans can send Hank Hooper that says "TGS." Something like [opens notebook] bird Internet!

Devon Has Gaybies

Devon Banks:

It's about time, Cashmere. Did you find Channa's bobby? Was it at… Music Adventures?

Jack:

Banks. What's become of you?

Devon Banks:

Nothing! [flips music player playing babies' music to the floor to turn it off] These aren't babies. They're organ farms.

Devon Banks:

Don't look at me!

Jack:

Devon. Explain the gaybies.

Devon Banks:

I'm a house husband now. Happy? I married a shiny black dancer named Cashmere. We mixed our sperm together so no one would know whose baby is whose.

Devon Banks:

Now, have you had your fun looking at the freak?

Jack:

I'm here to offer an olive branch. I'm working with Kabletown now and we've acquired a network called TWINKS. I could use someone on it full-time. A subordinate.

Devon Banks:

You came all the way out here - to Brooklyn - to offer me - Banks - a job. You must be desperate, Jack. TWINKS must be exploding and not in a good way. You thought that I would lick your boots, but you need me. So now I'm going to make you let me lick your boots.

Jack:

I'll keep you on a very tight leash.

Devon Banks:

Fantastic. Continue.

Jack:

I will not gay set you up again, so I'll be very clear: You'll be under me and if there's one slip up your ass is mine. Damn!

Devon Banks:

You couldn't resist coming to see how far I'd fallen, but that was your mistake. Down came the rain and washed the spider out.

Jack:

No. You are the spider. I am the sun. I dry up all the rain.

Devon Banks:

Yes! Freeing me, the spider, to climb up the spout again!

Jack:

You bastard.

Devon Banks:

Now... who wants some num nums?

Liz Has No Plan B

Liz:

Hey! Simon, what's up? Any word from The Sing-Off?

Simon:

It's a pass. But Lachey hated you.

Liz:

So what now?

Simon:

You're fired.

Liz:

What?

Simon:

You're fired.

Liz:

Are you dropping me as a client?

Simon:

Mhhmm.

Liz:

What am I going to do? Jack can't help me, you don't want me as a client, I have no other skills!

Simon:

Liz, I'm going to tell you what I tell my dog clients when I drop them.

Liz:

Simon!

Devon Gets Upper Hand

Hank Hooper:

Jack, we've been waiting almost an hour for this Banks fella. The only explanation I can think of is that he keeps stopping to perform good deeds.

Jack:

No, he's pulling a power play right out of the gate. He's making us wait so it looks like I have no authority over him.

Hank Hooper:

Well, I'm a straight shooter, Jack. Except at the urinal. That's just a little shrapnel side effect from Vietnam. So when ti comes to business I don't like these kinds of games. [laughs] Boy, I hope my tone is conveying how annoyed I am.

Jack:

You should be annoyed, Hank. Of course, Devon's crude attempts at manipulation don't work with a man like you. Banks is not a straight shooter like you and me. For now we need him. But as soon as he stops being useful.

I'm so sorry but this little guy is really sick. Threw up all over my jacket and I just couldn't leave him, but of course I didn't want to miss this fabulous opportunity. Always just trying to balance work and family. It's kind of what I'm all about.

Hank Hooper:

Well, son, you're going to do great here at Kabletown.

Jack:

Dammit.

Hank Hooper:

You know one of my grand children is just about the same age as Mike here. We should set up a play date.

Devon Banks:

How's tomorrow?

Jack:

Uh, Hank, could Devon and I just have a moment please.

Hank Hooper:

Of course! I'll just entertain this little bundle of joy with one of my uncle Hank stories. The VC was everywhere! Yes they were. Yes there were!

Jack:

This is a new low even for you, Banks. Using your own baby to get in with Hooper.

Devon Banks:

I brought the sexiest one, too. His cheekbones are like granite. You know Hank the family man fell right into my trap. This isn't even baby vomit on my jacket. It's mine! All mine!

Jack:

This is not over.

Devon Banks:

Oh look how much just loves his uncle Hank!

Hank Hooper:

Woosh went the flamethrower. Medic! Medic! cried the widdow boy.

Kenneth's Plan B Fails

Kenneth:

How's substitute teaching, sir?

Pete:

Oh, just like Lean on Me. In that a guy who looks like Morgan Freeman swung a bat at me. What are you doing with those sugar cubes.

Kenneth:

Starting a fan mailing campaign to save the show. People will send sugar cubes to Hank Hooper to show that they're sweet on TGS. I've already sent about a hundred of these even though licking an envelope is a sin. Unless you're married to it. So I had to marry each envelope and then divorce it, which brings me to my ninth point-

Pete:

So you're putting a sugar cube in an envelope and then mailing it to Hank Hooper. But then when he opens it, it will have been crushed into a fine white powder.

Kenneth:

Oh I suppose so, sir.

Pete:

Kenneth, do you know what anthrax looks like?? I'm not with him! God bless America!

Kenneth:

My thorax!

Detective:

We never could have found him so quickly without your help. Thank you, Mentaalist.

Sue:

It is a gift and a curse. In the TV show you bang me in a tulip field on the credits.

Liz Hits Rock Bottom

Child:

Mommy, what's that?

Bum:

It's a toilet. Or a woman. It's whatever you need it to be.

Liz:

No! People of the sidewalk, we can't give up on the written word! We need stories! Because I don't have a plan B. I have a degree in Theatre Tech with a minor in Movement. Why did my parents let me do that?!

Woman:

It's over!

Liz:

Who's there? Show yourselves!

Woman:

You're one of us now.

Liz:

Who are you?

Woman:

Better to ask who we used to be. People whose professions are no longer a thing. Once I was called Travel Agent.

Blue Collar Guy:

I was an American auto worker.

Sax Man:

And I played dynamite saxophone solos in rock and roll songs.

Woman:

Come. We live under the subways with the CEO of Friendster.

Liz:

No! TGS isn't dead yet!

Banks Drops Out

Devon Banks:

Morning, Jack.

Jack:

Oh my. Empty coffee pot, same cheap $300 tie as yesterday, nose hair all askew. You've been here all night trying to figure out how to fight back, haven't you?

Devon Banks:

How was your play date with the Hoopers?

Jack:

Oh it was amazing. Yes, really superlative tummy time. Oh, I almost forgot. Hank - uncle Hank - wants to expand overseas and he's chosen me to be the face of the company in Europe. That's right. I've been promoted.

Devon Banks:

But Europe is my purview. I was supposed to go there next week. I was going to take a picture where it looked like I was holding up the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

Jack:

Now I'll be taking that picture. Do you have any idea how strong I'll look? I've vanquished you in one day! I was trapped in a world of wet wipes and rectal thermometers, then the babies came and life changed. But you set me free, Jack! Now it's weekends in New York then jet setting around the world in Economy Plus. I'll be thousands of miles away from the chaos of Brooklyn. Do you know what it's like to have triplets. It's just everything times three. Three pairs of grubby little hands smearing food all over your brand new chihuahua outfits, three pairs of feet in their weird soft little shoes, three pairs of eyes, brown... like my husband's. Three perfect little mouths that smile every time I walk through the door. Three tummies that just want their num nums and zerberts. [sobbing] Oh God I just love my gaybies too much, I can't leave!

Devon Banks:

That's it? You're just going to talk yourself out of it?

Jack:

I'm sorry, Jack.

Devon Banks:

But I had stuff planned. I was going to Trading Places you.

Jack:

Hey I was bailed out of prison and told to come up here?

Devon Banks:

That was weak, Banks.

Jack:

I don't expect you to understand. You don't know what it's like to have kids.

Devon Banks:

Actually, Devon, I do. I have a baby daughter, Liddy.

Jack:

And yet you still managed to be here all night, trying to figure out how to bring me down. Damn, Jack. You are strong. You're like Dora's friend, Benny the Bull.