I use blogging allot in my recovery process! its a safe place to tell a story and let things out and process past information!

!2 step groups let you talk for about 5 minutes!

Blogs allow you to write and express in a different hidden way then speaking at groups!

Im slowly looking at the development of social interaction! the skills to feel good enough around people! and communicate! 'Im very confused about people! Im confused about being myself!

For many years I was owned by everyone and everything around me; I had no life, just contempt and hatred and anger! saying I had a right to things is fine; However, this does not solve any of the problems! This left me at a point of stand still!

The goal is to be the person I want to be! For many years I was like 4 different 8 year olds! I was never myself and I seemed to be controlled by everything around me! I had no plans! The idea of plans; destroyed young!

For me to regain plans is to see what destroyed me in the center of my face and mind! I could not handle that; I went through to much real abandonment!

All of this is very hard indeed! I believe Im at a place of learning how to trust God! and I hate it! its the last thing I wanted; to trust the Universe when it let me down in the past!

How do I start a new life! I have to have a foundation and the base must be complete that I can move on! The foundation is based on a kind of middle class educated thinking process! this idea or conceptualization is in my mind! The problem begins when I need support! as I am a 10 year old when attempting these things and I need human support!

And its this human support I don't want to talk about! as this would have been the idea of safety and friends and family supporting me when young during my developmental years! just talking about it makes me dizzy and all ###$ up! It brings out PTSD! massively, I begin to shut down from dissociation! its very brutally ######6 hard to stay awake and see this stuff as it is!