Have you ever planned how you would steal massively (i.e., a deliberate scheme about robbing a company or bank)?

Have you ever pondered ways to kill other people?

Your parents?

Have you ever decided what your favorite sin is?

Tsk, Tsk…

Have you ever wanted to drink JUST so your inhibitions would be lowered?

Have you ever wanted to get somebody else drunk for the same reason?

Have you ever wanted to work in a bar just to pick people up?

Have you ever been mad because the elevator was glass?

Did you understand that question?

Have you ever been PLEASED because the elevator was glass (exhibitionist!)?

Do you immediately assume someone bought a water mattress for sexual purposes?

Have you ever considered just how much you would give/trade for sex?

In business meetings or at school, do you often have to stop yourself from saying, "That is SO dirty" about something which is completely unrelated to sex?

Do you think its okay to have more than one sexual partner in a year?

In six months?

In a month?

In a week?

In a day?

Do you think cohabitation and suchlike is not immoral?

Do you not have morals?

Do you not have limits (i.e. how far WOULD you go [or not])?

Have you ever really wanted to have a one night stand?

A purely physical relationship?

Does your dream date go something along the lines of the back of a car in an empty parking lot?

Have you ever considered stealing your parents’ condoms?

Have you ever wanted to get your tongue pierced just so you could stick it out at people or to improve oral sex/french kissing?

Have you ever done crunches or suchlike with entirely sexual purposes in mind (this doesn’t include improving attraction; we mean so you could DO things)?

Have you ever lusted after someone else without their knowledge?

Have you ever wanted to be a stripper (in theatrical performances counts, e.g. "Gypsy")?

Have you ever decided to go to a school or accept a job just because you were attracted to a person (people) you saw there?

Yummy, Yummy, in My…

When given a piece a cake, do you JUST eat the icing and leave the cake?

Did you understand why we asked that question?

When eating, do you often find yourself imagining the food on someone else?

Do you think blowing bubble gum bubbles is flirtatious?

Do you think licking lollipops is flirtatious?

Do you often think of sex in terms of food (get the first one now)?

Dirty Subconscious (Freud Jr.)

Do you like Freud?

Do you think he was a saint?

Have you ever used him to justify your opinions or beliefs?

Do you find yourself making frequent Freudian slips in your hearing (ex. "Making Love Is Hard to Do" instead of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do")?

Do you lick your lips when referring to your significant other?

Have you ever considered majoring in or have you majored in sexual psychology or something similar?

Have you ever been diagnosed with an "oral" or "anal" fixation?

Have you ever had an arousing dream?

Have you ever had a dream involving yourself in some form of sexual activity?

Have you ever had a dream that did not necessarily include yourself, but did include a friend in some form of sexual activity?

A parent?

Someone you’re attracted to?

A movie/theatre/rock star?

A teacher or short/long-term instructor?

Someone more than twice your age?

Someone less than half your age?

Yourself and someone of a gender you’re not normally attracted to (or both at once if you’re bi)?

Have you ever dreamed about a three-way?

Have you ever had a strange, random, or specific reaction to the mention or idea of sex (gag, giggle, get hard, eyes water, etc.)?

Fun & Games—Miscellaneous Bad Thinking and Behavior

Have you ever wanted the lead in a school play or other production primarily because you wanted to kiss the other lead?

Do you really wonder about the people who invented those lollipop things that turn, or "Scribble pens" which jiggle so your writing will look really different?

Have you ever gone somewhere and said, "I would really like to have sex here"?

And told that to someone you were attracted to?

Do you read Shakespeare for the dirty parts?

Have you ever read "classical" porn (e.g. D.H. Lawrence)?

Have you ever read less-than-classical porn (e.g. Danielle Steele)?

Have you ever played dirty Scrabble?

Have you ever made up a drinking game?

Have you ever categorized sex in some fashion (lust means…, making love means…)?

Do you like slinky or skin-tight clothes?

Instant Response Section—If you get it, mark, "yes"

"He was playing solitaire"?

"Do you want to eat out with me sometime?" (but I don’t know you that well!!)?

"You’re good at this"?

Perpendicular?

Come out?

Swallow?

Carpet burns?

"Something smells fishy in here"?

Hot dogs?

Frozen (hot dogs, that is)?

Coke bottles?

Glue sticks?

Three?

Head (not the one attached to your neck)?

Lips (not on your mouth)?

Swords?

White/wet T-shirts?

Leather?

Fingers?

Hair?

"How long have I been asleep?"?

"Is that your belly button?"?

"What are you doing?"?

Parts of Speech: Part One—Interrogatives (still instant response)

Who?

What?

Where?

Where (yes, we put this one in twice intentionally)?

When?

How?

Why?

"Right there?"?

Part Two—Interjections

"Ouch!"?

"Oh!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Stop!"

"Don’t stop!"

"Don’t touch me there!"

"Please!"

"Get up!"

Part Three—Playing With Prepositions (please don’t try this on a playground [at least when there are children around])

In?

Out?

Between?

Up?

Down?

Through?

Outside?

Upside down?

With?

On?

Sci-fi/Fantasy

If you’re straight, have you ever REALLY thought about being gay (or
vice versa—if you’re bi, we KNOW your mind isn’t clean [this isn’t an insult, by the way])?

Do you find yourself thinking
(occasionally), "Wow! I hadn’t thought about doing it there!"?

Did you come up with at least two interpretations for that
question (think "Mallrats"—back of a Volkswagen or what he REALLY means)?

Have you ever wished you had been in your 20s in the 1960s/70s just so you could participate in the sexual revolution?

So you could get LOTS of drugs?

Have you ever used toys to act out your fantasies?

Have you ever looked at someone and pictured them naked?

Do you do this every time you meet someone?

Have you ever experienced the awkward sensation of trying to hold a normal conversation with someone while simultaneously having sexual fantasies about them?

Have you ever had extensive fantasies about threesomes?

About orgies?

As religious rituals?

Have you ever wondered how many really CAN go into one?

Have you ever wanted to be a doctor or a nurse just to see people naked?

Have you ever wanted to go to the beach JUST to see people with small amounts of clothing on?

Have you ever fantasized about a long-term instructor?

Short-term instructor?

Someone twice your age?

Someone half your age?

Do you imagine your friends engaging in sexual activities?

Do you imagine your parents having sex?

Have you ever pondered how fantastical creatures (fairies, dragons, gorgons, etc.) would have sex?

Okay, That’s Just Weird

Have you ever hoped for a candlelight dinner so your date wouldn’t see you jerk off?

Are more than 80% of your thoughts or 50% of your conversation related to sex?

Have you ever considered ways to kill yourself?

Straight guys and lesbians: Have you ever been really horny because your girlfriend had her period? Straight girls and male homosexuals: Have you ever stroked phallic symbols (Yes we realize these two questions are unrelated, but we had to make it fair)?

Do you have to restrain yourself to keep from touching strangers?

Do you have any kind of sexual attachment to an object (Macarena bears, vacuum cleaners, washing machines, etc.)?

Do you have any kind of sexual attachment to a piece of jewelry (engagement rings count)?

Have you ever REALLY wanted to wear clothes of the opposite gender?

Do you have a fetish of any kind?

For a body part of a gender you’re attracted to?

Have you ever given (or had someone give to you) a body part a name (e.g. "my foot’s name is Fred")?

One you can't show in public?

Do you believe that all people masturbate?

Pure As Snow (Note the pollutants in most snow nowadays)

Have you taken any purity test (combos or the same one) more than five times?

In rapid succession (i.e. within the same day)?

More than ten times (not necessarily on the same day)?

Have you ever written a purity test (only purity tests count, not weirdness tests, unless they were sexual or drug purities)?

Do you never have to look at the explanations for some of the most perverse activities on the Purity Tests?

Have you ever had a contest to see who had the lowest purity test scores?