Dear Sugar: It’s Not You; It’s Me (And, I Don’t Want to Stay Friends)

I’m sure you noticed I haven’t been looking for you at all this month. Did you wonder where I went? Well, I need you out of my life. Really. You’re such bad news and you’ve brought me nothing but heartache. I can’t do this anymore.

I get that you tried to comfort me when I broke up with booze. You were right there waiting in the wings. Anytime I wanted or needed you, there you were in one form or another just waiting for me to reach out. It’s like you thought you could catch me on the rebound and fill the void booze left. Oh. Wait.

But, the thing is, you make me feel like garbage and you make me hate myself. Almost as much as booze did.

And, I can’t imagine you’re that thrilled with me either, given the fact I started treating you the way I treated booze. Bingeing on you here. Swearing off you there. Ignoring you during the week and then smothering you all weekend. This can’t be any fun for you either.

I’ve been trying to cut you out of my life for so long and I am just so damn sick of this roller coaster we’ve been on. I’ll go weeks without you and I feel amazing. But, then out of nowhere I get sad or scared or nervous and I think I need you to comfort me. I relapse and fall right back into your arms. At first, it feels so good. And, then I just can’t stand myself.

It feels so great when we break up and I get to watch the number on the scale slowly get smaller. Then I check in with you for the tiniest moment just to make sure you’re still there, and then I have to see if you’re as good as I always remembered, and before I know it I’m looking in the mirror at my ass after days, weeks, months of bingeing and it’s 10 times bigger than it was last time we did this. What the fuck is that? I think you think that the more I hate myself, the more I will love you. That’s so messed up.

“Just moderate,” a friend told me. “Everything in moderation. If you give up sugar completely, the cravings will only build and eventually you’ll cave.”

I know that works for a lot of people. Most people, even. But not for me. Knowing where I was with alcohol and seeing how I’m using you, Sugar, I realize I am addicted to you and I have no choice but to eliminate you from my life, the same way I abandoned alcohol.

You know I’m an all or nothing type of girl. And, given the fact that eating you all the time no longer serves me (did it ever?), I’m going with nothing. Zero. Zilch. Nada. No sugar. Ever again. I mean it.

I know we’re going to see each other around. I mean, you’re everywhere. I see you all dolled up in that milk chocolate sea salt caramel number you wear. You know, on the eye level shelf in the natural food aisle at the grocery store where you sit there with your scrumptious self pretending not to be so bad for me? Puh-leeeeeeeze. I’m not as dumb as I look.

I know what a sneak you are, too. Like last night? Clinging to the walnuts on my salad at the restaurant. Or earlier today? When you were hiding out in the iced tea samples at Teavana just waiting for me to take a sip. Everyone knows there is no fucking way unsweetened iced tea can taste like juice. C’mon! And, for you to talk the staff into notlabeling the tea as sweetened? And, then, force them to try to convince me to like you because you are all-natural, non-GMO beet sugar from Belgium. Whatever.

I know what you’re thinking. You’ll get me back in December when I do all my Christmas baking. Yup. I’m kind of thinking the same thing. A little bit. Or maybe a lot. But, don’t hold your breath. I have big plans for myself and you’re not part of them. At all.

Giving up isn’t in your nature. I know that. We’re a lot alike that way. You’ll always be there if I change my mind. I know. I will always love you. It’s just not going to work out. Not this time. No, we can’t be friends. Please just leave me alone.

Laura

Laura is a mom, wife, small biz owner, spinal fusion survivor, writer, and alcoholic in long-term recovery. In 2018, she became a certified professional life and recovery coach. To learn more about coaching, visit Laura Ward Coaching at www.laurapward.com.

5 comments

yes. this. i cannot for the life of me beat this beast that is sugar addiction. thank you for this article though-it gives me hope. as i sit here polishing off another whole block of chocolate ‘for the last time’ after having a shocker of a day emotionally….arghhh!!

That was me. Constantly. I struggled so stinking hard. I have truly had to treat sugar like alcohol. I haven’t had any (aside from what’s natural in fruit) since May 31. I feel incredible and all I can say is it is so worth it. Find things you can go to when the stress and emotions feel out of control, something you do not ingest. I’m taking walks, meditating, journaling, etc. It is such a process and it is so hard. But, I feel incredible, and the cravings are gradually decreasing. Sending you so much love. XOXO

Thank you for responding Laura! Glad to hear you are doing so well. I definitely need to treat sugar like alcohol. In fact, giving up alcohol feels relatively easy in comparison….mind you it’s only been a month for me so far. But yeah sugar is lethal. I feel like it is part of my ‘identity’ it is so ingrained in my life and seemingly on my mind constantly. When I try To analyse why I can’t let it go I get a feeling of being scared or empty with out it- not’whole’ or something. Do you know what I mean? Like without it I am less of a person….anyway, like alcohol I think it has to be one day a time or actually one 15 minutes at a time! I won’t give up though. I’m going To beat this addiction if it’s the last thing I do!!

oh, I LOVE this! I was going to post on your ‘authentic fraud’ post how my need for sugar makes me feel like an authentic fraud when I talk joyfully about recovery, as though I should be free of ALL addiction if I am to celebrate being free of a few, but I went off on a bit of a ‘oh too personal’ ramble and deleted the lot! I will journal about it this evening I think! There is such a huge connection between sugar and booze addiction I think, and in the modern world it is so hard to cut sugar out completely (I tried it for a month a year or so ago, it felt great, but as a vegan, I found my choices seriously limited.

Are you doing the complete ‘no processed food’ sugar breakup, or just not eating ‘sugary things’?

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