I've been on and off this site for a few years now. It really is an amazing place.

So let me introduce myself again, or for the first time.

My name is Taylor and I am 27. Size 22 and have been "on a diet" since I was about 8. My mom wanted nothing more than to have a thin little girl teaching to me diet and then eat a whole bag to chips because we were being bad. She was thin. I was not. Now, don't get me wrong I loved my mom dearly. She was my best friend and my everything. Who then died when I was 20 of brain cancer. It was absolutely awful. To cope I smoke huge amounts of weed and smoked cigarettes. 3 years later I quit both of those things when my husband and I quit together at age 23 right before our wedding.

I was with Chris for 6 years. My mom died in March and we met in December. He was from England and uber dreamy. We fell in love instantly. Moved in within a month. The years passed and we got married. Then things fell apart quickly. We spent more time apart as he got really fit, changed jobs and started climbing 14ers for breakfast. It was an ebb in our relationship -- they happen. But it was an ebb we couldn't fix. On August 29th 2012 he was climbing a 14er (Crestone Peak) and fell 200ft unto his head. He died instantly. And then upon receiving his phone back with his belongings I found out he was cheating on me. Maybe no physical but absolutely emotional.

Now this is going to sound crazy but January 11th 2013 I found Jesse. The moment he put his hand on my back my entire life flashed before my eyes. March he moved in (hey, when I know, I know) and October 31st we got engaged. I am so so happy with my relationship.. And so very much in love..

After Chris died I did gain about 20-30 pounds and the weight gain has finally stopped and I want to get back in control

I feel like I have a second chance at love and life. And I am not going to take it lightly.

ok, enough back story.

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I was a chubby kid, fat teenager and even fatter adult. Why? Because I believe I have literally dieted myself fat. Ironic, huh?

I know I just wrote a kind of "tongue and cheek" post about the diet industry and my head spinning - but its true!

Today would be been my 11th day on Paleo and while I had no hunger and lowered anxiety I also wasn't digesting all the meats and fats that well. I think I actually gained weight. I wasn't going crazy on fruit, no potatoes or nut and fats in moderation. I made it to ketosis but it felt like my stomach was trying to digest cement. My stomach was hard to the touch and I felt really bloated. Also - it wasn't balance for me. Plus - no skinny vanilla lattes. Or popcorn.. I know I didn't give it 30 days but I didn't want to give it another 30 seconds.

Plus, - somewhere down the line I promised myself that my future children would never see me on a diet. And I lost sight of that somewhere so I tried something extreme. I wanted to be beautiful quickly - I wanted to make heads spin with how fast I was loosing weight. That is SO NOT the focus I want for my life.

After talking to some friends today about what they do and what I need I am going to go back to what I know and what worked for me. Calorie counting and working out. le sigh. There isn't a magic pill.

I personally do believe in real food. Real food with ingredients I can trust and pronounce (90% of the time) and working out. Working out for 45 minutes to an hour 4 times a week. Not 2 hours 7 days a week.

Balance.

I am so lucky. I have found the love of my life. I am totally and absolutely crazy about my fiancÚ. He is my soulmate and so so so supportive of me on my weight loss journey. He will cook anything I cook (I am a good cook so that helps) and encourages me to go to the gym. And he doesn't care if I loose or gain weight. He just cares if I am happy or not. I feel so blessed to wake up next to him every day.

Another major reason I want to lose weight is because Jesse and I have a dream of having babies in the next year or two. There is absolutely no way I want to have babies at the weight that I am. First for healthy pregnancy reasons and because I want to be able to play with my children. Really play. And go to disney world without being afraid of not being able to fit in the seats or being absolutely devastated when I put on a swim suit.

And I wanna look hot in my wedding dress.

And I like the occasional diet coke.

I just wanna be healthy.

I know that this is a long post and don't expect you to read it all but I think I just needed to get it out. It has been a crazy year and half for me.

I am ready to claim my life as my own and make health choices for myself and my future. For myself and my fiancÚ. For myself and my future children. For myself and my family

__________________" This is not a diet, it's a life-style. This is not a race, it's one step at a time. This is not about next year, yesterday or tomorrow it's about today."

"The shape of my body obeys the shape of my beliefs about love, value and possibility. To change my body, I must first understand that which is shaping it."-Women, Food and God

Well.. I really don't know how this works but I'm looking for a place where I can freely express my thoughts, receive, and or give advice.. Im just a girl on a mission looking for good company along the way

You know, our paths have crossed on here many times, and I never once knew your backstory. What a roller coaster. My heart broke a little when I heard how your mom died--- my dad died of a cancerous brain tumour when I was young, and I know how wrenching it is.

To hear about the things that you've been through and the strength you've needed to have… with your mom, with Chris… and then to move onwards and upwards and find Jesse and start planning your own personal happily ever after. You're an amazing lady.

We both know that we can do this, that we've been here and we've done it before, and we can do it again… But I know how frustrating it is when it doesn't STICK. Especially when you have goals--! Weddings and babies and the simple goal to just feel GOOD about yourself!

I recently found a new direction that's working shockingly well for me (as an all-around life strategy instead of a crash-calorie-counting-fix) so if you want to give something new a shot… I just read this book, and I can't tell you what it's done for me-- leagues above and beyond any fad diet out there... I'm finally eating "normally" (a word I ascribe to: only eating when I'm hungry, stopping when I'm full, and cheerfully turning down or only eating a small portion of former binge foods), and for me… that's a miracle.
(This page is worth reading.)

Regardless, welcome back darling. With the kind of inner strength you obviously have to have gone through what you've gone through and come out the other side, I've got faith that you can accomplish whatever you want.

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Back to the beginning again, but trying to make it a lifestyle change instead of a crash-calorie-counting obsession. Journey #1: Lost 40 lbs, then gained 50.