Sunday, September 21, 2008

Tonight is the first night I am on my own with my little girl. That means that I am responsible for dealing with waking up to feed her on top of hooking up to a machine so that I can feed her without using formula, and I am not handling this well. I haven't had to change many of her diapers, and I'm terrible at swaddling her, so let's just say I'm not confident in my abilities at this point.

However, the biggest issue is how I'm handling things emotionally: badly.

I thought that the two weeks that my husband spent off of work would be spent at home. He did that, for the most part, but he also went out with his friends to the movies yesterday (our last night before life resumed), went to a beerfest last weekend, and got to role-play with his friends on several occasions. It's only an issue because I don't have any friends in town to turn to, and I don't want to call my co-worker unless it becomes absolutely necessary, and he was convinced that bringing my mom down here wouldn't be helpful because she wouldn't do anything. But I feel as if she could've been of some support to me, because I feel very alone trying to do something that feels about as natural as fire-breathing.

On the upside of everything, I've gotten a new laptop, so I can finally get online without having to be in the baby's room. I am hoping that this will allow me to feel a little more connected to the world and less isolated.

The only thing that keeps me from worrying myself to death about my family's ongoing issues is my daughter, which I guess means I have some sort of bond to her, even if it doesn't feel like it's really there.

As I'm writing this, I have her right next to me and she's just looking at me. She seems pretty content with me (and I really don't get why), but I am going to finish this up so I can turn the computer off and interact with her.

I have orientation tomorrow, so I am hoping to get some rest before I have to be up in the morning. We'll see how I get through the first night and go from there.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

I was given orders by my husband to make time to blog today, so while he is out enjoying Beerfest, I am sitting in front of the computer keeping an eye on my little girl as she sleeps. I found my charger buired on my desk, because there was apparently a place that even my uncle feared to tread, and while I have been taking more pictures, I still haven't had time to upload them yet. I am going to wait for my husband to get back so that he can watch her while I get that ordeal over with [It takes awhile to get the program to do exactly what I want, and I have to decide what service to use for uploading the pictures so that my in-laws can download them]. I also have a cute photo from my f-i-l that I want to scan, but I have to clear the scanner off first before I can even pretend to get that done.

I have no idea how the rest of my family is doing these days. I can't reach my mom or my uncle, I'd rather not speak to my aunt (who proved that she has a listening problem when she called the night of the inducement to say that she didn't know if I had had the child or not), and my brother is trying to do his own thing so I'm not going to bother him for now. I am not as stressed out about them as I was before Devi came along and that's because she is now priority. And while I do feel as if I've let everyone else down [How, I don't know], I don't want to let her down. It's been a struggle to breastfeed her, so I have to spend my days hooked up to a machine every two hours...but because it's for her, I'm willing to make the sacrifice.

And one of my former co-workers came over to see us today. I called her last night and was out-of-sorts because Matt decided that he had to go to one of his games with his friends and left me with a crying baby for several hours, so she offered to come over and gave us some helpful advice and is willing to babysit and take her on an occasional weekend because she loves babies. I am going to ask her to come over next weekend to help us with her first non-sponge bath; I'll feel more at ease and she'll get a kick out of it, so it's a win-win. It was extremely helpful to have a mother figure helping out, and I don't know if I'll be able to thank her enough (you know, besides paying for the babysitting).

I know I should be trying to sleep now because she's currently out like a light, but I wanted to drop a quick line while I had the chance. And now I will be on the lookout for a portable washing machine because we could really use one, and the one that we have that works is too much hassle to use (it's an egg-shaped washer that has to be hooked up to the sink and can only be hooked up to the sink upstairs). The first one I owned was great because it was a simple bucket-style washer with an agitator, but the agitator broke and I couldn't fix it. If I can find another one, I'll be in 7th heaven.

If I can get my hands on a good, used laptop, I'll be able to get online more often without having to come into the baby's room. Hopefully, we'll know what financial aid I'll be getting very soon. So I promise Uncle David Dust and everyone else that pictures will be up soon, but I've just got to start getting my balancing act down first.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Thank you, again, for all of your comments and well-wishes! We were released from the hospital on Saturday and the three of us have been trying to get to know each other better ever since. Other than the nightmares of breastfeeding (it is really, really hard), the drugs I have to take to get better due to a sudden onset of high blood pressure after the birth (and the need to take ibuprofen at regular intervals), and my two-week ban on driving, it's been...interesting. I'm trying not to worry about how bad I am at this, but she's cute (which surprised the daylights out of me) and seems to like us, so I think we're off to a good start.

Here's the thing on pictures: since I can't find my charger for my camera (one of the many "casualties of misplacement" due to the cleaning that transpired earlier), the only pictures that are available are from the hospital's website. If you go looking for babies born on September 4th, you'll find her. There are seven images for your viewing pleasure, so there are at least some pictures available. My f-i-l sent us the pictures he took and I may upload the scans if it comes down to it.

I don't know how often I will blog from now on, but I'll try to keep up with it as best as I can.

Matt and I are sleeping in shifts at night, so I'm typing this while she sleeps nearby, and I will get him up around 4 after yet another feeding.

I really hope I can find my charger because I have some great pictures I'd like to share. But since Devi's trying to wake up, I've got to go. Later, gators.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Devi Cassandra arrived at 3:10 this afternoon after being induced @ 9 last night. Pictures will follow once we get home.

I'm really tired and don't have much to say that wouldn't either gross someone out or make me look like a mini-superwoman (I didn't scream [epidural], but I told them to hurry up and get my doctor because I knew I was going to get done early).

Unfortunately, I only have a dozen channels, not one of them being Bravo, but since I was given a sleeping pill, I would've missed it anyway.

Since this is the slowest internet connection I've ever used, I've got to go. Thanks for your well wishes.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

I saw my doctor this morning and I am still slated to be induced tonight(!) at 8 p.m., and I'm finally getting a little excited about it.

Yes, I'm a terrible human being who is the last to get on the happy train...but with all of my apprehensions on being a parent, just see this as a breakthrough.

I even called my dad and Krayzee last night to let them know what was going on. Dad was going to try and get here tonight [NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] and Krayzee's voice mail picked up, but I let them know what was going on and that's all that matters.

We decided to have a last-night-as-a-couple dinner at Fado's, an Irish restaurant, and Matt asked them to set up something special for us. They decorated a little area with pink and blue balloons and streamers...and I was surprised when I saw them because I was sure this was for someone else. We had a nice dinner and then went to Target to load up on last-minute items for the baby as well as food for us (thank God for gift cards, 'cause we're broke!).

I almost didn't make it in for my last day of work because my blood pressure was too high. I told my doctor it was because I had gotten angry with my husband for pulling all of the baby clothes out of the room without letting me take pictures of everything so that I would know who gave us what (and we were late to the appointment; it was a whole comedy of errors). She checked it again and said that since it was lower, I will just come in tonight.

I had to write a letter of resignation yesterday and today I met with the VP and my supervisor, who both had very nice things to say and wanted to wish me well. I know that I want to keep up with people from this company in case I'm on the market for work, because I can get some recommendations as well as (possibly) a position with this company again. It is a great place to work, and I'm going to miss being here. Maybe someday I'll be in our databases as an author, and I think that would be really cool. :-)

The last things I need to do are to pack up my belongings to take home, and to photograph the office/desk for things to remember once I'm on my way out the door. I'd say something a little more poetic, but I'm rather tired and can't really think of anything.

Since this will most likely be my last post until I get home, wish me luck. I will get online as soon as I am able to give an update once this is done. Take care, everyone!

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

I am supposed to do my exit procedure tomorrow (whatever that entails), so I want to put these up quickly so I can actually get something accomplished today.

- A note to those wanting to commit insurance fraud: You don't go on living your life while you're supposed to be dead. Dead men don't visit doctors.

- When celebrating your birthday, drink in moderation so that you don't get busted for nude swimming, spitting on the rescuing officer, and then claiming to be Jesus.

- I've had some bad experiences at Denny's, but nothing to cut my arm off over.

- When visiting Shanghai, try not to jaywalk because they intend to humiliate you on T.V. and in the newspaper. It'll be like when the school paper publishes the names of places that get busted for serving minors alcohol, except that it won't have the bonus of telling you who sells alcohol that you weren't aware of before.

- I have just learned that a bowl of spaghetti is considered a "deadly missile" if thrown at a car. Good to know.

- There is a book called "These Aren't My Pants," about stupid criminals who have bad excuses (it's also in my LibraryThing feed), and apparently this teen tried to take a page out of this book when busted with a stolen debit card in his pants. The semi-plausible excuse would've worked...if it weren't for the fact that the debit card was lost at his place of work on a day he happened to be there.

- Oh, how cute! There's a beagle shoe bandit running around stealing shoes and dropping them off at the fire department. Cat burglars have nothing on this little guy who eludes capture (and strangely will run around with women's underpants on his head). Just adorable!

- Oh, how...creepy. A couple married in a funeral home. It's the husband's place of employment, and they didn't see it as any different from marrying in a church (but I could think of some differences). For some reason, I would've been less creeped out if they had done it in a cemetery, but I can't really argue with anyone's aesthetic these days.

Hippie woman: Ma'am, what did you just feed my dog?Elderly woman: A treat.Hippie woman: What was it? Was it meat?Elderly woman: Well, not really, it was a sausage.Hippie woman: What is wrong with you?! My dog is a vegetarian! What if he had a food allergy?!Elderly woman: Right. Go away.

Overheard by: JCvia Overheard in New York, Sep 1, 2008 She Who Dealt It, Felt It Girl looking at abstract wall installation: Oh god. This is pure art. It really speaks to me.Boy: What does it say?Girl: (makes loud farting sound and walks away)

--Art Exhibit, Time Warner Buildingvia Overheard in New York, Sep 1, 2008 Interestingly, Not All Were Bad Motherfuckers Guido father to daughter and her gay friend: He was a real cocksucker... (realizes gay friend might be offended) But you know...not in the, uh, bad way.Gay friend: Oh, believe me, I've met plenty of bad cocksuckers.

...we've lost Don LaFontaine, the movie voice-over guy. While his voice-over work is what he's known for, I will always remember his sense of humor when he appeared in a Geico commercial and was able to laugh at himself. This guy was truly cool, and films will never be the same again.

How do I start this one? Well, for starters, I took my mom and uncle back home on Sunday...but didn't anticipate that sending them back home would be such a big deal to one of them. So now I carry a huge amount of (unjustified) guilt because my mom got the idea in her head that they would be here until after the baby was born when all we wanted was for the two of us to have our final days alone before the baby gets here (and to not end up in the poorhouse trying to feed 4 adults). My inducement is scheduled for 8 p.m. Wednesday (tomorrow), but I still intend to come to work that day just to finish things out. That, and the VP who is also in charge of my department wants to meet with me briefly. I'm always paranoid that it's about slacking off or something, so I don't know what that will be about until after it's over. We got the crib assembled near 3 a.m. today, so I didn't help myself any by forgetting to check when my alarm was supposed to go off. So instead of getting up at 9, I woke up at 11. Whoops.

Anyway, to make this make more sense, I'll flesh things out. The original plan was to have my uncle come down for a week to help us set up the house before the baby gets here, but when their utilities got cut off, we brought both him and my mother down for the week. When I mentioned on Friday that we were thinking of taking them up this weekend, she got upset and said "I at least want to see the baby", to which I responded "Of course you're going to see the baby. You'll be coming down with one of his parents to see it." She then proceeded to cry and cause me a great deal of grief and anxiety because I felt bad that she was upset but, at the same time, they needed to go home. My uncle did a spectacular job of cleaning the house, but sometimes I feel as if I'm playing a losing game of hide-and-seek when things get moved around because I can't find anything, and my family has a tendency to throw things away arbitrarily or re-arrange things on what seems like a whim to me. That, and one of my glass unicorns got broken (and we suspect that another one was thrown away...these things aren't exactly cheap). I have an unusual attachment to objects mostly stemming from being around people who throw away everything, and because my things are the only thing in my control (change and instability unhinge me because it has never been a good thing in the past). My unicorns all have a special meaning because I buy one every year at the Ohio Renaissance Festival, so I noticed right away when my shelf was rearranged and one of the 'corns was down...only to discover that it had a broken leg and was fixed with a big wad of tape. The only thing that kept me from losing it is that I know that the people who made the unicorns can fix them, so I just have to bring it with me. It may not seem like anything to anyone else, but when someone decides that things that you have on display are not important (like a plastic picture frame being tossed like it was trash), but that things that you don't care that much about deserve prominence, it's maddening.

That, and my mother eats everything. I love my family, and I would've been able to handle all of my uncle's changes better if it was just him down here, but when you're spending $40/day trying to feed everyone and one of those people eats everything that is in the house, including my husband's leftovers that he was going to have for lunch, it gets to be much.

She wants to come down and "help" with the baby, but my husband doesn't really want her down here because he feels she won't actually do anything. I keep reminding him that it's a symbolic gesture, and that we can put it off until I go back to school where she will be forced to at least watch the kid. But having her get upset like that unnerved me. I was so spooked by her reaction that I was afraid to bring it up with my uncle. When I did mention it to him the next day, he told me that he always assumed that they would be leaving by Sunday and that he was already packed! I enlisted his help in getting mom ready to go back, but I think this week was good for him. After the blow up with my irritating aunt Krayzee, he took this time to really revitalize himself and get in a place where he may be able to successfully find work (and, hopefully, take the aid offered by my f-i-l to get the utilities back on). He always seems to be rejuvenated after visiting us, so I try to weigh that with my mom's reaction to keep myself from feeling like a terrible daughter.

That, and keeping in mind that I have someone else that I have to worry about.

So, the baby is still very active and I'm looking forward to getting this whole thing over with. The kicking is starting to get nauseating, and I would like to be able to use the bathroom like a normal person again. My only concern right now is (somewhat) minimal; we sent laundry out to get done by a service, and I worry that it won't be ready until Thursday...and we're going to be a little busy that day. We sent over 120 pounds of laundry out (a combination of procrastination, and wanting to get as many sheets and things done as possible) so I hope we can get it back today [They offer same-day service, but I can forgive them not getting it all done today, considering the sheer volume]. The problem is that we sent so much that we're kind of out of clothing. If it weren't for the coupon that we had, this would cost over $100, but it's not going to be cheap. Fortunately, we will only have to do this once and then we can get back on track and do our own laundry for much less.

We still need to buy a few more items for the baby, and then launder the baby's stuff. And while most of the house is clean, the baby's room still needs to be finished, and our room needs some work. So, I'm tired, a little frazzled, and trying to actually get some work done before I leave for good after tomorrow.

About Me

I'm in my mid-30s, married mother of one, and lacking any discernible direction in life (still!). I got a library science degree and decided that grad school was so much fun that I'd do it again...and I'm more than a little crazy. If I remember I have this, it'll be an interesting show. Enjoy the ride!