Archive for the ‘Things That Should Not Exist’ Category

I won’t bother going into the curious chain of events that lead me to scouring YouTube for Liz Phair’s ridiculously catchy and gloriously NSFW ode to a certain bodily fluid because I like to have a little mystery every once and a while. Also, I’m not the one who used “H.W.C.” in their homoerotic Dumbledore fan video, so I shouldn’t have to explain myself right now:

Yikes.

I mean, on one hand, there’s this moment that reminds us why the internet is the best:

Well, I’ve long suspected it, but now I’ve absolutely no doubt about it:

I read this morning on ComingSoon.net that there’s going to be a LEGO movie. Yes, you read that correctly: A movie based on LEGOs. There’s an even longer piece in Variety about it, so you just know this isn’t a nightmare from which you’ll eventually awake.

I don’t even know where to begin with this bullshit, so here are some details to make you lose faith in humanity:

Dan and Kevin Hageman are writing the script for the family comedy that will mix live action and animation. The studio is keeping the plot tightly under wraps, but it’s described as an action adventure set in a LEGO world.

Dan Lin (upcoming Shorts and Sherlock Holmes) will produce the movie through his Lin Pictures, which is also behind a Tom and Jerry film that will put the feuding animated characters in a live-action setting.

LEGO sparked to Lin and the Hageman brothers’ embrace of core values LEGO wanted to include in a film, especially “a fun factor, creativity and that imagination has no boundaries,” Lin said.

It’s ironic because the “core values” of LEGO are apparently “creativity and…imagination,” yet a movie about LEGOs suggests that creativity and imagination are more elusive to Hollywood than orgasms were to ’50s housewives. Mad Men taught me that.

But, let’s keep this in mind, most certainly not in the fun way. No no, quite the opposite, really. Why? Because I’ve seen the interweb’s greatest nightmare-generator/nostalgia-killer/life-ruiner. It starts innocently enough, but then just spirals into batshit insanity. It’s not necessarily unsafe for work, but it’s certainly not safe for my mother.

Also, I’m pretty sure that this video’s already made the rounds, but that doesn’t necessarily guarantee that you’ve see it, so here you go. As it’s wont to love company, here’s a little misery for your Sunday afternoon. And if you’ve seen it already, just consider it salt on your mind wound:

Logic dictates that, for a product to exist, there must be a demand. It’s for this reason that products like the Wearable Towel or the Comfort Wipe; they may be incredibly stupid and theoretically useless, but you know that someone somewhere actually saw these products as the solution to a problem. Necessity is, after all, the mother of invention.

That said, I’m quite aware this Taylor Lautner New Moon action figure clearly has a theoretical demand. It comes from people called Twihards, and they will consume anything and everything related to Stephenie Meyer’s ridicu-succesful Twilight franchise. I may not be part of that fan base, and I imagine my only enjoyment (if any, really) of the franchise would be ironic, but I’m not going to trash the fans of Twilight because we’re all allowed our own opinions and taste. No matter how ridiculous they are.

In spite of all of this, Twihards, you really need to calm it because we now have a thing that should not exist:

Despite the general bitchiness with which I express myself on this blog, I am actually a pretty nice person. I hold doors open and give up my seat on the subway to old ladies. I’m good people. Consequently, I don’t normally find the suffering of another human being enjoyable. But there are exceptions. For example, when a person has committed High Crimes and Misdemeanors against all of mankind, I find a certain sense of joy in the miserable existence he reaps as a consequence. But who is this person, you may ask? This person against whom I direct such righteous fury? The answer, dear readers, is Jake Lloyd.

When cinema critics look back on the abomination that was The Phantom Menance, they have no shortage of targets. The fact that Lucas went batshit crazy for CGI effects at the expense of actual dialog. The fact that the mystical nature of the Force which had intrigued science fiction afficionados for decades was reduced to something as lame as midichlorians. That every CGI alien from the Nemoidians to Watto was some sort of racial stereotype. And of course, in that vein, the introduction of the worst most offensive character in the history of Science Fiction: Jar Jar Binks. And then, there is Jake Lloyd.

Jake Lloyd, or as I like to call him “Mannequin Skywalker” for the unnatural, plastic manner in which he “acted.” Now, I know some people would jump to his defense, saying he was only ten years old. No dice. Talent is not defined by age. Anna Paquin won an academy award at 12. Dakota Fanning had more presence at eight years old than most actresses muster in their prime. The simple truth is, Lloyd’s pathetic articulations and awkward manner meant he couldn’t even play a kid naturally. You have to really suck to be a ten year old boy who fails at playing a ten year old boy believably. He deserved every savage review he received at the time. And now, ten years later, one might wonder how he’s doing. Well, wonder no more, and marvel at his recent interview at Australia ComicCon.

To quote the great Jane Lynch: “Your resentment is delicious.” (more…)

Let me lay the scene. It’s 3 AM. I am minding my own business, riding the 2 Train home to rest my weary head. I am not in the best of moods, having spent the last 18 hours trying to cram my head full of New York Civil Procedure for the bar exam (which is now 5 days away!). I had to wait 45 minutes for an afterhours train and the dipshit next to me has spilled their drink all over me. But all of this is accepted calmly and with poise. What came next, however, was the last straw.

After learning that ABC Family is teaching a generation of young girls that having sex will kill your parents, I was curious to see what else this network had to offer America’s impressionable youth. What I discovered enraged me. It seems that tonight the network will premier its newest “original” series, 10 Things I Hate About You; the newest pop culture abomination to make Ben’s Do Not Want list and my ever-growing catalog of Catastrophes. I do not suffer this news gladly.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you the following public service announcement

Now, while I really do not want to be shanked by a Twihard, I must admit that I am a man of simple tastes.I like my beers cold, my Abercrombie models shirtless… and my Vampires to be seductive monsters whose dusty deaths by the hand of a perky heroine teach us valuable lessons about female empowerment.I have personally had enough of waifish pretty-boy Vampires strolling in the sunlight and waxing idiotic as they brood over the torturous nature of their violent and immortal existence. And don’t get me started on the sparkling.It’s times like this, indeed, that I not only have no commitment to Sparkle Motion, I actively defy it.Consequently, I feel I must voice my alarm at the announcement that the CW, though it has brought us such guilty pleasures as Gossip Girl and Supernatural, is making its own sad bid to perpetuate and profit from the madness wrought by Stephanie Meyer .Obviously hoping to capitalize on the enthusiasm surrounding Twilight, the CW has announced that it has greenlit production on “Th Vampire Diaries,” which is apparently a small-screen adaptation of a lesser-known young adult romance series by the same name.The announcement caused a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of Twihards cried out in joy—and then were suddenly silenced as they rushed to a sale on body glitter at Hot Topic.

The plot, as described on the CW’s website, is what you would expect.Beautiful girl meets mysterious brooding boy, only to find out he’s a centuries old-Vampire burdened by his impossible existence.Ladies and gentleman, this is a catastrophe.Remember the days when Vampires were actually cool?The mythic personification of all our darkest fears?Symbols of the dangers of repressed sexuality given form?Literary representations of parasitic nobility feeding off the lifeblood of the common man?And now, today, reduced to mere objects of impossible love to cater to tweens and menopausal housewives.The fact that these books are warping an entire generation of girls with their ridiculous depiction of socio-sexual relationships aside,books like Twilight and Diaries are guilty of the more serious crime of making Vampires, well, lame.

I can also understand the below video’s existence insofar as I guess it’s a relatively normal thing to make Barbies have sex. It’s a rather harmless way of exploring sexual relations and identity in your developmental years. Puberty, with all its changes and urges and general confusion, is a total bitch; so if making your Barbies have sex is a safe and comfortable way to make sense of your burgeoning sexuality, then by all means go right ahead.

Nevertheless, this isn’t that sort of thing.

This is a full on six-minute narrative, replete with duplicitous behavior, man whoring, and catfights. The unprecedented levels of batshit insanity surrounding this video’s very existence will blow your mind on multiple occasions, but it’s nevertheless totally worth watching. “Slut Barbie” is very much real, debatably not safe for work, and absolutely profound. PREPARE YOURSELF: