I've never really talked about my Angel Baby, and only recently added him to my siggie (I assume he was a boy, since it appears we only make boys!) But there have been several reminders recently, so I think I need to type it out finally. Here goes.

I think it starts around October of 2005. Ian, our first, was 7 months old. I had my first cycle on Sept 30th (I remember it clearly, it was the end of the Fiscal Year, and I work for the Government, so it's an important date!) A month later, my friend had a baby, then had an emergency and had to be rushed to the hospital in the middle of the night. Her husband dropped off their 3 week old daughter with me on his way to the hospital (everything turned out okay, but she had an emergency surgery the next morning). So for the next 2 days, I got to mommy a tiny newborn again. I remember telling my husband "I think I want another baby already!"

Fast forward to the first week of December. We were travelling to the States to introduce Ian to our family (who had never met him). I had missed my October and November cycles, but chalked it up to breastfeeding. However, something was "off" that week. I thought it was just travelling internationally with an infant (which is no easy task!)

I started spotting the second week of December, then the spotting turned to on and off heavy bleeding and sometimes to bad cramping. I made a call to my Dr in Japan who assured me that post partum periods can be very different than before having a baby, and they might be haywire for several months or even as long as I was breastfeeding. The bleeding stopped.

I was going to go out with one of my sisters on a Friday night, and I had a sudden fear of drinking any alcohol. In the back of my mind I was thinking "you'll kill yourself if you find out next week that you're pregnant" which the thought itself confused me...why did I think I was pregnant? I had just had some weird bleeding and cramping, which I had early in my pregnancy with Ian (I had an early u/s because of it, the dr thought I might be miscarrying) plus I just had a...feeling. So I bought a test to put my mind at ease.

It was positive.

I was shocked! I actually went and bought two more tests, different brands, and they were also positive.

I was pregnant. I wasn't sure how I felt, I mean we had talked about it, but we were going to be moving to Ohio sometime in the Spring, so we thought it would be better to wait until we were settled since I had horrible morning sickness with Ian. But here I was, pregnant.

Because it was so close to Christmas, and because I had three tests, I decided to wrap them up in presents and give them to my mom, my in-laws, and one of my husband's grandmas. On Christmas Day we all celebrated a new baby on the way!!

I returned back to Japan (where we lived) in early January and scheduled an appt for my official blood draw and prenatal intake. A nurse called me back to tell me my test was negative. Huh? Negative? I thought that it must have been an error, so I called my dr directly. She said it all sounded very strange, so she sent me for a quantitative hcG and scheduled me an appt for the next day to come see her. I was on pins and needles, but deep in my heart, I knew.

I went to the appt, and sure enough, my hcG was less than 2. As best as we can guess, I was actually miscarrying the second week of December when I had the bleeding and cramping, but my hcG was still high enough to register a positive home test.

My dr said she'd give me one month to get a normal cycle before she'd worry about any kind of retained material, and sure enough, exactly one month later I had a monster period, with lots of bad cramping and lots of clots. That was actually the most emotional part of it all. It was the end of January.

Since I had nearly a month where I thought I was pregnant, I suddenly desperately wanted to be pregnant again RIGHT NOW. We still didn't have a move date, but I didn't care anymore if I was pregnant during the move, I just wanted another baby. I had a normal cycle end of Feb, another one the end of Mar, then we moved the end of April. We got settled in to Ohio, I had a cycle in May, then the end of June came and no cycle.

4th of July weekend, I tested. It was positive!!! I was due with another March baby (Ian was a St Patrick's Day baby).

That pregnancy actually started as a twin pregnancy, we saw one fetus and one yolk sac at a 10 week ultrasound, but the twin never developed and was gone at 12 weeks. In March, Connor was born.

The story doesn't end there, though. Connor was born special needs, missing a piece of a chromosome, something that caused horrible medical problems. Many babies die of his syndrome. He's one of the lucky ones that will not die, but instead faces a life of medical dependence, special ed, therapies, and an uncertain future (will he live independently?)

Connor is turning 3 soon, so he's transitioning from Early Intervention to the Public Schools. I think that's why all these thoughts are surfacing now...if I hadn't lost Angel Baby, I'd have a (presumably) "normal" 3 year old right now, I'd have never learned about IEPs and become a member of the Special Needs Parenting community. My life would be...different.

But the hardest part is realizing that Connor wouldn't exist. Some other child would exist. It's probably be a boy, and we probably would have named him Connor. But it wouldn't be the Connor that I know. For some reason that's really hard for me to fathom...a child had to die (or never have a chance to live) in order for this child to be conceived. Then Connor was born special needs...what does it all mean? I can't help but think that he's destined for something, but what? And if he really is supposed to be, then why was he born special needs?

I can't let myself think into that too deeply, because otherwise I can't sleep at all. Our entire life would be different today.

Anyway...that's the story of my Angel Baby. I hope to meet him some day.

Hugs mama. We lost our son Stephen at 40 weeks last May. Last month, we welcomed our twins, who joined our family through adoption. They are so perfect, and we are so happy and feel so lucky but it's hard to think that if Stephen hadn't died, we wouldn't have adopted these boys. I hate to reduce Stephen's life to a stepping stone on the path to something else... and I can go over and over again the what ifs and what could have beens. It's such a hard thing.

I couldn't read without posting... my heart breaks for you mama. I agree that Connor is destined to become something... but maybe it's that he was destined to be your son. Maybe you were destined to be Connor's mother. Having Connor as a son is sure to make you into a woman and a mother that you wouldn't be able to become without him. The charity, patience, and tolerance you have and will continue to develop are sure to bless the lives of so many other people besides just Connor. I know it must be impossible to see it from my POV, and maybe I have no idea what I'm talking about. I haven't experienced the loss of a child. Or the gift of one with special needs. But I can't help that think that Connor was sent here for you. To grow, change, love, and learn. And what a wonderful gift Connor was given to have you as a mother.

Christina, mama to A 10/05, E 09/07 and S 01/11; Spending my time as a wife, mama, teacher and student. Loving every minute of it! Life is so good!