Rogue One? Rogue None? Rogue Pish – A Star Wars Essay by Gordy

I’d like to nail my colours to the mast on this one, so for the complete avoidance of doubt, it’s thoroughly pish. It’s disappointing, exploitative and ultimately uninspiring fare. My worst fears about this franchise are coming to pass.

I know it be true.

I managed to avoid a large swathe reviews beforehand; however I still caught a couple of headlines along the lines of “The Star Wars Movie for Star Wars Fans” and similarly bigging up the fact that this was ‘Men/Women on a mission’. A down n’ dirty, no saber to be seen, a brave new Star Wars vista. A STAND ALONE MOVIE!

Let me be clear, I am a Star Wars Fan.

MY STAR WARS ORDER OF PREFERENCE:

A NEW HOPE

JEDI

EMPIRE

FORCE AWAKENS

SITH

PHANTOM

CLONES

Like many kids of the 80s it was somewhat of a TV staple, though I wasn’t fortunate enough to see them at the cinema (well, until the 90s Special Edition release, with CGI Jabba and no Storm Trooper v Blast Door comedy clunking). I cherished the VHS recordings I had made from a festive screening of the movie on television, you know the kind. You sit and watch the movie recording away, you wait for the ad breaks and it’s a one shot deal. You pause precisely on cue and to restart when it resumes. You’d then break the tab so that forever more you had that Star Wars movie to keep.

Sorry, I went off-piste a little there. So, my expectation levels on Rogue One were suitably high but not maniacally so.

I did book my tickets a good 4-6 weeks ahead of time and as the night approached things did get a little more so. The cinema darkened, Lucasfilm appeared, and then we get the most majestic text…

And then…

NOTHING!

No crawl, no John Williams bombast. Now that wouldn’t be an issue, if Gareth Edwards et al thought to themselves let’s be different, let’s be edgy, let’s separate ourselves from the main body of the Star Wars lore.

As various bits and pieces came out whilst they were making the movie, that was very much the vibe I was getting. They were trying to embrace the fact they were a stand alone movie, that there was no pressure in terms of trying to tie it to the new episodes VII, VIII and IX or the existing universe.

Free rein for all, but the whole thing came off as Movie by Studio Committee. Marvel, in my opinion, is culpable for this kind of film making, whereby the property is worth so much that you’re only allowed to be as edgy as a dual carriageway as opposed to a big, 9 lane, smog laden US of A Highway.

But if that’s how you’re rolling, then fine, don’t give me my opening crawl and theme.

But don’t then give me (Dr.) Cornelius Evazan and Ponda Baba bumping into our protagonists. If you’re not sure who they are, think back to the funny nosed chap and the bum chinned creature who take on Mark Hamill in A New Hope before being thoroughly dealt with by Alec Guinness.

These are only a few of the offending moments, and they’re all clearly underhand methods to tap into my nostalgia and my love for the original trilogy.

It does annoyingly succeed in taking you back that special place just for a moment; before you’re dragged brutally back to present day by an utterly atrocious CGI zombie Peter Cushing.

The first scene framing him from behind, with a subtle reflection in the glass was effective. Then the dawning realisation that he was going to be a fully-fledged interactive presence with our imperial players and it just gets worse.

Same goes for Leia, though we only get a fleeting Polar Express-lite Princess.

These CGI creations serve to only take you out of what’s mean to be a wholly engrossing experience and they’re borderline offensive if you’re that way inclined in terms of deceased actors being used in this fashion.

In even recent movie memory, there are times when it has been done either thoughtfully with a little bit of subtlety such as The Crow, Fast 7 or The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus. As for CGI lead characters in a live action film, check out Gollum and Serkis if you want to see how well it can be done.

Character development is but a figment of this movie’s imagination, I have no idea about as to how it came to pass that Jyn Erso was under arrest and it was so vague it could be felt that perhaps between some severe editing and the reshoots, they’d left a whole bunch of it behind on the editing room floor. With some proper coherent backstory then I could have invested a whole lot more in her, in much the way that I totally dug Rey (Daisy Ridley).

As for the droid K-2SO, give me BB-8 any day. While you’re at it, get me Poe and Han too! This severely needed some levity somewhere, and that droid was not it.

The same can be said for the majority of the main players on the Rebel side who I found to be wholly superfluous.

Clearly there are exceptions to every rule, in this instance I found myself wanting absolutely more of Galen Erso (Mads Mikkelson) and I did enjoy Ben Mendelsohn as Krennic for the most part.

In other news, The Force Awakens showed that even John Williams rolling at 35% can wipe the floor with Michael Giacchino. The fact that Alexandre Desplat was replaced due to scheduling conflicts, directly related to the publicised reshoots leaving Giacchino to step in. And all the spin in the world will not let me be deceived and there’s no doubt in my mind that any sense of disjointedness is a direct result of that both in terms of the score and the finished film itself.

Finally, I come to the Darth Vader scene (well the final scene, the first was OK apart from him rockin’ n’ rollin’ with choke puns), which was a completely shameless and unabashed appeal to the base level of fan boy. I forgot that I’d signed up for a Star Wars Battlefront experience, and worse still, to see Darth lower himself to force flinging rebel grunts about the ship who are in turn throwing the stolen plans from one man to the next like some kind of Aerobie/Frisbee Golf hybrid.

Hey Darth, Big Cheese!

How about you put the lightsaber down. Force grab that wee disc that’s right there. That’s what you’re after, no? And then off you toddle whistling the Imperial March. Absolute bollocks.

To the folk that are giving it the big licks that this is a Star Wars WAR movie with Saving Private Ryan aspirations mayhaps, and comparing it to a proper down and dirty war movie.

Giving the odd soldier a jaunty ‘Nam style hat with unsecured chinstrap does not achieve this.

Nor was I invested enough in the whole enterprise to care as to whom was dying as the final battle unfolded (which is the polar opposite to Private Ryan. Especially the deaths of Mellish and the medic Wade).

May I say for the record, if this is what the Star Wars Spin Off Stories are going to bring, brace yourself people, Disney are going to hit us upside the head like the MCU now with multiple releases and at least a movie a year, then I for one don’t want it.

Solo: The College Years is next, which I am willing to bet significant funds that it will open with either Han completing the Kessell Run in under twelve parsecs or Han winning the Falcon from Lando in a duplicitous fashion. I don’t need to see that! Nor do I need to see Han & Chewie bromancing it up in their youth!

For the record I do remain a Star Wars fan. I really like The Force Awakens (three viewings at the cinema), and I’m looking forward to Episode VIII which is maybe down to the established love I have for Han, Luke and Leia and the through line that it creates. And long may that continue.

The nigh on universal praise for this movie is what’s caught me off guard. I’m not usually this angry. But stand alone episodes can suck my balls.