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Friday, May 17, 2013

It would be the second time I visited that Japanese restaurant. They served well and the Tempura Udon was just amazing the first time I tried to taste it with some friends.

Bright mind to start a new thinking!

I was alone. Right after a meeting (on Sunday), I took off to a mall nearby my main job office. Sitting down in a seat of four at the corner, then I ordered the same menu like I had for the first time there and took quite longer for me to have a cute-looking drink and sweet garnished desserts.

And....

"Hey you... wanna fight me?"

The scream made me shocked a little and I started to stare around, not moving my head that much. My sight searched for the source of the loud voice, but I couldn't find it. I was getting deaf I guessed.

Then it came again, "You dude, you... in red checkered tops! Show me your ID!!!"

That one made me confused. Who was the guy? Where was he? And how did he look like? I thought he might be one of the creme-de la-creme clan who controlled the 1/4 of whole money of the state. The same characteristic... they got guts. Just like this man, I scanned it from his voice.

I saw around. The other visitors...some...also looked around. Looking for the source of the voice. Some weren't distracted. As for the waiters and waitresses... one of them was smiling indiscreetly, some were kinda distressed, some were annoyed. BUT, none of them was going to one site to act on anything.

When my menu served, I asked the waitress, "What's wrong with the loud voices?"

"That loud voice," I repeated. "It's like somebody is fighting, mad or what?"

Hmm... Yes, my friend?

I saw later her face was changed, as if she had already expected that I might ask about it. "Ahh, that one. It's a guy from table 13. He's always like that. I'm sorry if you're disturbed," she finally closed my curiosity.

"No, it's ok. Not your fault." I said. "But did he order something or just sit there?"

"Sometimes he ordered food. But mostly he just always sit there, at table 13, and drinks 'ocha'."

That's weird, isn't it?

I tried to take a look of his face. But I only got the back and side of his head. Well, yet I could tell, he was around 50s years old, classic-looking Chinese guy, kinda flamboyant with painted silk shirt (and colorful, d'oh). I could assume he might be a person that's stuck in his old good days in 70s. Additional info: he has high-volume hairstyle like a male lion. Yes, you got it, right? You got what I'm saying, did you?

Deeply deeper. Actually, he's just like me. I know it. Alone. Stares around his surroundings. Apart from family (as mine were celebrating Chinese New Year celebration that bored me enough with the whole grand family of my dad's side involved. And mind the whole chit-chat tradition). His mind messed up, like mine.

He's not one of the super rich clan with freak guts. Maybe. Who cares? To me, to all the people in the resto, he's a stranger. Seeing that guy just made me asked myself. Can I be alone, just alone, in my 50s? Note: if I'm still alive. It caused doubts to reach me and question all of my early decisions---decisions on being alone, never married and have kids. The root of the problems is a mixture of these two, which are 'Am I that strong enough?' and 'Am I getting too far to get right?'

If the guy could come to the mall, walked to the same resto and sat at the same table 13, and bought something...he might have money. Did his family give it to him and let him be away all he wanted? Well, yeah...I'm getting too far for a little curiosity. It shouldn't be my problem. Not a concern for a girl like me, who always tried to ignore stuffs around. But I just feel that this could be a reflection, an early warning for me, on my decisions and views---or a threat from the universe?

In my heart, I tried to figure out of the guy's character, emotional state, and his background story, leading me to think of what had happened to him. And his family? Where are they? Do they know that he's almost always there, at his favorite table?

***

Such situation...we'll come up to a question, "where's his wife? Where are his children?" But we never ask, "Where has he been doing?" Oops, I just made three in total.

I against my tradition. Married...kids. What for? What should I repeat those freaking moment that they call as 'circle of life'? I have my own life. I believe what people think as something that should be. A must!

For everything I try to create in me is...being independent. Financially, it goes to number one. You can't live without sufficient money and secure. Most people think I will get those (in this situation, if you're a woman) when you marry a man, as the theory is... he has responsibility to give you all. And if you're a man, ...er... you will be guaranteed not to be hungry and live in dusty houses with dirty clothes to wear.

Well, oh well, there's no guarantee that a man will not cheat you and give his money more to his mistress or random girlfriends. Worst? He can just leave you without anything left. Additional worst case, if you have children and your hubby doesn't care of them anymore, which means YOU got to cover everything! Another worst case? Whether your hubby makes you infected by STD as he's cheating on you! Ooh, thank you!

By the time goes by, I think further and design my future in complex structure. The temptation is always there: just a blink and everything is ta-daa! But I know, it's time to get real. You can't get respect if you don't respect yourself by not living the way you want. When this happens, even your family can't help out. And another note to take: no children, you can be just alone in your old days.

But, having one....your younger days will be hard as well. Which one do you choose?

Aww...I'm thinking...of something *woof*

I still choose not to. Most of the time, I think of having a partner. No kids, strictly. Why? I'm working woman, devoting my life for career... and in this world, you can't always choose both. Kids will need more time with their parents, good school, good nutrition to feed... Can I afford that? Financially and in a matter of time? What about life values? Their future is based on the seeds you plant in their early life. Some people never think that far. Most parents wanna-bes only think of the 'fun' and tradition of life... Responsibility is missing from their agenda.

Most people will say, "you don't know what will happen one day!" or "who knows things get better once you try to have one!". Hey, that child...would be other person! Other person out of you that you will be responsible to. And you just underestimate his future!

I strictly choose not to have children, or marry. I know most people hear this (or read this) and would say, "don't say that!" Yeah, knew it. It happens many times. Or, people who don't know me (who talks to me just a time or two in a month or in 3 months) will joke around say, "Yeah, I pray that you will have kids and change your mind." They think that it would be the best for me to have kids. Who are they? I should say to them back, "I'll pray you regret everything in your life, that you children one day will regret to have parents like you, as well!"

Uhm, I'm thinking of something, too!

Seriously, I can tell... those kind of people...aren't your good friends. Or my good friends! Or good people. Coz what? They never try to understand the whole thing that has shaped you to this day until you make such decision. What they say as the best thing will only bring the end of the world to me. Just because you're young, it doesn't mean that you don't know anything. Just don't be a smart-ass when you're old later on. A decision, complex and 'far' one couldn't just come by a click, could it?

No longer questionable that there are people who thinks they have pieces of you. By just seeing you, then they're acting if they already know you so much that they could tell you what's good for you. I know what's good for me. Different or the same way most people do, none of anyone's concern. And being different apart from you isn't always the wrong side of the world.

I know where I stand. I know what I want. I know what I need. And I know where to stand... Now, I'm keep on trying. Fixing mistakes, sharpen ideas of a great future of my own.

The Chinese New Year scene about the Table 13 guy has given me insightful rhetoric reflection. For my temporary judgement, whether that guy was just acting crazy to bring down the resto's image...OR he has been living in 'safe' way that people do and now he's betrayed.

So, thankfully.. I'm 23, knowing what's best and keep on improving the future and my todays. Refusing to be clueless in my old days. Trying to love my life. Forgiving the past. Standing on my own. Stop self-pitying and selling sad stories.

And thus, yes... I choose to be alone in my old days. Note: I'm still alive :)