The pReview Re-viewingFriday Breakdowns for

March 15-29, 2013!

(warning: Auto-cannibalism is delicious.. If you happen to be made out of cake.)

by Jeff Finckwritten: 4/3/2013

Whoah! Holy balls.. Okay, it's time to catch the eff up. Forgive me.. My birthday was a couple weekends ago and so I took some time off from ranting and raving for a week of partying with friends and family, playing some video games, sleeping hella late, probably way too much time reading Cracked articles, and.. Uhmm.. Something else.. What was it again?

Time to get back on track! Here's what I would have said about the trailers of the movies that you may have missed me ranting about over the last couple weeks, had I ranted about them over the last couple of weeks: (You probably missed them, mostly because I didn't rant about them in the first place, and also, it's hard to miss something that doesn't exist.. And I'll just shut up and get on with it..)

After being bullied as a child, young Burt falls into magic.. In order to not be bullied anymore. Probably should have thought that one through a little better. Well, Burt grows up and becomes the Incredible Burt Wonderstone (Steve Carell), the greatest magician in the world! Burt captivates audiences with his childhood friend and partner, Anton Marvelton (Steve Buscemi). (You can tell that they came up with those as kids.. Makes me think back to when I thought I was a 12 year old rapper in a rap group caled Total K-Oss.. You read that correctly, by the way.) But all of a sudden, new mag (pronounced maj) on the scene, Steve Grey (Jim Carrey), charges into the limelight with all the bravado of Criss Angel fucking the shit out of David Blaine and having an inexplicable magi-baby become a full-grown, tattooed man in the blink of an eye. MAGIC! Grey is new and fresh, while Burt and Anton must spice up their act or else end up where all performers go to die:

The depressing part of Las Vegas.. Well.. The *more* depressing part, anyway.

I already caveman emoted a full review of the trailer for this.. And I want you to read it! Click my Nicolas Cage universe to do so! (editor's note: I've since seen this movie and it is fucking fantastic!)

I dare you to tell me that this kind of crazy shouldn't be bottled up and tested in small cities.

Olympus Has Fallen

Olympus is the flag!!! Oooooooooh.. ...Uhmm.. I still don't get it.

Okay, first of all, look at this cast: Gerard Butler, Aaron Eckhart, Morgan Freeman, Angela Bassett, Ashley Judd, Melissa Leo, Dylan McDermott, Cole Hauser, Rick Yune, and Radha Mitchell. Now, who in the fuck was in charge of promotion at FilmDistrict for this movie?! Because, F. F-minus. That's what that person gets. This should have been promoted so hard that when people close their eyes at night, the back of their eyelids rebel, take over their motor functions, and force people to go see this. The thick of the plot is that grand, patriotic "What if?" scenario where the White House comes under attack, and our only chance is a lone wolf seeking redemption to protect the President of the United States and save the entire world from the tyranny of.. Uhmm.. Rick Yune.. I guess.

Awkward girl meets awkward boy.. Then awkward girl puts her entire career on the line over some kid that she found out she may or may not have given up for adoption a bunch of years ago.. Who turns out to be a savant. The bottom line being: Give your kids up for adoption.. They'll turn out to be slightly maladjusted geniuses! This movie is billed as a comedy, but looks more like Tina Fey coming to grips with motherhood again. (See: Baby Mama and the last three seasons of 30 Rock)

Here she is, trying her hand at bird motherhood.

Spring Breakers

Ah, Spring break.. When girls throw caution to the wind.. And STDs at their vaginas.

The only positive thing I can really say about what this movie looks like.. Is that this is what the cast looks like:

Ready to have your mind blown? They're all played by James Franco.

March 29:

G.I. Joe: Retaliation

What the fuck is Jinx doing with Cobra? Jinx?! What the fuck are you doing with Cobra?!

I wrote quite a lengthy rant a full year ago about this flick.. I wrote about how hopeful I was.. I wrote about how I enjoyed the first GI Joe live action movie.. I wrote that Duke was going to live! I was wrong, I was sooo wrong. Although, if you ignore the fact that this is a GI Joe movie-- And every time they say a Joe's name, you replace it with, like, I don't know.. Moon Unit, or something-- You really have a tight little action flick. Click this picture to read my full year-old reviewing of its original trailer!

GI Mooooooon!

The Host

Have you ever seen the poster for Twilight? Trick question, if you're looking at the poster for this, you have.

When Stephenie "Spell Your First Name Fucking Correctly" Meyer isn't writing about melodramatic high school teenagers falling in love with lamentatious melodramatic high school-looking vampires, she's writing about melodramatic high school teenagers on the run from an invading alien-scourge falling in love with disillusioned teenage girls infected with alien parasites. Some people (ME) feel that not every book needs to be a movie.

I somehow doubt that Stephenie Meyer cares too much, though.

Tyler Perry's Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor

Look at that logo.. Ah! I see what you did there.

When you add Tyler Perry's name to a movie, you can expect three things: It will be an inciteful experience that peeks behind the curtain of society's definition of "normal relationships".. It will have a dedicated audience that will ensure that no matter the subject matter or quality of story, it will easily clear thirty million dollars.. And.. Actually, just two things. You can really just expect those two things. In Tyler Perry Presents Tyler Perry Thirteen: The Rise of Money, a marriage counselor confesses a bunch of fucked up shit and some people, including the marriage counselor (I assume), learn a bunch of fucked up lessons the hard way.

Can't wait for Tyler Perry's next Temptation movie!

Detour

No. I would die. Quickly.

We open on Jackson (Neil Hopkins) driving a car.. But before the trailer really starts, he gets into a massive ass car accident with a massive ass mud slide. Well, not an ass-car accident or an ass-mud slide (graphic).. But like, massive-ass car accident and a massive-ass mud-slide.. Regardless! Jackson must find a way to escape considering he has Brea Grant waiting for him at home (amiright?).. AND his unborn child waiting for him back in "the world".. Also, he doesn't actually know where he is, how much time he's got, if people are looking for him, or.. Actually, it sounds like he really needs a moment..

I would fucking run a train on some Twix bars in this situation.

Final Breakdown: (These past couple of weeks' Final Breakdown, brought to you by Gerard Butler's abs from 300! And as always.. This will not help you decide which movies to watch..)

The Incredible Burt Wonderstone

Abra.. Abracadabra!

The Croods

Captain.. CAVEMAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

Olympus Has Fallen

WOLVERINES!!!

Admission

Denied.

Spring Breakers

Whoooooooooh!

GI Joe: Retaliation

GI Jooooooooooe!

The Host

Do NOT take me to your leader.

Tyler Perry's Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor

Oh! Hellerrrrr.

Detour

GAH!

SPECIAL NOTE: For the picture of the Spider-Man and Batman street performers, I failed to request permission for usage, initially. I do not know why I didn't.. I abhor straight up theft.. But the fact remains that I didn't send the request. Adam Sternberg asked that I either link/credit the image or remove it entirely (see comments below). Rather than dump the image and simply ignore the situation, I have decided to credit, and backlink the image, as per his request. I am very sorry that I used the image without permission, but hope that this is acceptable! I also wanted to say thanks for giving me the option of keeping it, though, Mr. Sternberg! It is greatly appreciated!

Use of Intellectual Property@paintmyart, and all of its contents, including but not limited to "The pReview Re-viewing", any other original articles, text not in quotes, illustrations watermarked "@paintmyart" or "jf", graphics watermarked "@paintmyart" (collectively “Intellectual Property”), are protected by copyright, trademark and other laws of the United States, as well as international conventions and the laws of other countries. The Intellectual Property is owned or controlled solely by Jeff Finck.

Other copyrighted material used under Fair Use (I hope) or with written consent of alleged content owners. If you own the rights to the aforementioned copyrighted (written? copywrote?) material and I have not received your permission, no offense was meant and was unintentional. Please tell me to go fuck myself and I will take it down. Contact: duffys_superego@hotmail.com