Saturday, February 8, 2014

Vladimir Putin Wins First Gold Medal of the Olympics

Russian President Vladimir Putin, well-known around the
world for his affinity for winning at all costs, won the very first gold medal
of the Winter Olympics in Sochi, and, of course, the first gold medal for
Mother Russia.

Putin had originally planned to sit the Olympics out, but
when he saw that his fellow Russians weren't doing well in one competition, the
one-man luge, ice dance, snowball shot put triathlon, he decided to declare
himself a team member, grabbed a Snickers bar, and handily won the event. Putin
finished in record time, while earning a 9.8 from the judges on the dance
portion of the competition. He threw the shot put just shy of a world record to
finish first in the event, which he says he only trained two days for.

Spectators were moved to tears as Putin danced to a
special arrangement of Tchaikovsky's Dance
of the Sugar Plum Fairies.

In addition, it was reported that Putin, unhappy with the
luge sled designed by Russian engineers, went online prior to the games and
bought a red Turbosquid luge sled, emblazoned with the nickname Pootie-Poot, a
name given him by former US President, George W. Bush.

Speaking in his native tongue through an interpreter,
Putin had this to say:

"I knew Russia didn't stand a chance in this
competition, and I wanted desperately to make sure we won a gold medal, and we
did. Was it hard? Oh yes, but I knew if anyone could do it, it was I (or me?).
I'm not sure."

Putin, shirtless, and wearing double-insulated snow
pants, bit into his gold medal to make sure it was real, and then gave a
congratulatory wave of the hand to the winners of the silver and bronze medals
while simultaneously showing them his biceps.

Later, when asked what inspired him to achieve such lofty
goals, Putin simply said "my special parts are important to me and I want
to show them off."

The translator, the same person who was hired to
translate the entire Nelson Mandela Memorial Ceremony earlier this year, left
the Olympic arena before realizing he didn't speak Russian.

Rumors are circulating that the particular event Putin
and the other competitors competed in is not a real event, but one made up by
Putin to show off his shot putting, ice dancing, and sledding prowess. When
confronted with their concerns, Putin threatened to pull Russia out of the
competition.

To clarify further, the President threatened not only to
pull Russian competitors out of the Olympics, but to also move the Olympics to
another country altogether.

Obviously, the Olympic Committee members decided to let
the gold medal stand, and so far, this is the only gold medal the Russians have
won. Putin has announced that he is considering entering other competitions to
make sure the Russians win the most medals of the Olympics, but he would not
give any further information on this.

Last seen, President Putin was perched atop the men's
downhill snowboard track, his dog, Koni, a black Lab, between his feet, and
practicing for the man/man's best friend, downhill slalom, borscht cook-off
race scheduled for next Tuesday.

Some may remember President Putin from the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow, where he won a now infamous pole vault event where he leaped 20 feet into the air from atop a horse to win the 5-man, 3-horse pole vault event. He won not only the gold for that event, but revived the name Vlad the Impaler, for embedding the pole vault so deeply in the ground, it appears as a monument to his strength to this day.

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