Opinion

Thursday, 28 January 2016

In a daredevil operation, Delhi police has recovered over a thousand
balloons from Rahul Gandhi’s office after a tip-off from local residents
that the suspicious balloon spotted near airport had actually come from his office. A gubbarewala had also been arrested in this connection who was later released on bail...continue reading

Wednesday, 20 January 2016

Cynics may criticize him for launching campaigns that,
according to them, bear no relevance to the daily struggles of the
larger population, but no one can deny the fact that Shri Narendra
Modi’s inspiring speeches make every listener believe that those
campaigns are introduced specifically for him or her. And now, he has
taken a step ahead and launched, for the first time, an initiative only
for the poor.

Learn India Learn, a fantasy training program
dedicated to the underprivileged section of the society with a vision to
raise awareness of how Narendra Modi’s initiatives are boosting India’s
economic growth and why they should be proud of all the developments
happening around them, has been rolled out by the government. Everyone
part of this campaign would share whatever they understand from his
speeches and share the knowledge with as many people as possible, and
the person who understands the most about his campaigns will get a
mention in his next speech at Wembley Stadium.

To get a better
understanding of the program, we decided to meet some of the
participants and spoke to Ram Lal, a shopkeeper who has taken multiple
loans to run his business but now finding it difficult to make ends
meet. An ardent follower of Narendra Modi, Mr. Ram Lal greeted us
enthusiastically and said, “2014 general election was a victory of
common men because that marked the end of our struggles, and since then
we have been living a dream through Modiji.”

“I have never
travelled outside my town but now I see so many exotic foreign
locations…through his eyes,” his eyes sparkled as he continued, “When he
walks on the tarmac wearing a suit worth 10 lakh, I feel like I am
watching Arjun Rampal walking the ramp. And last year when Air India
One got parking slot near Air Force One and the entire nation celebrated
the news, I couldn’t hold back my tears. I ran to the terrace with my
kids and sang, ‘Jana Gana Mana’ and took our selfie to capture the happy
moment.”

“So when did you decide to join the program?” we asked.

“He
has started so many great initiatives for us but unfortunately, because
of my lack of education, I am finding it difficult to get any benefit
from these initiatives. I have realized that I need to educate myself
to understand campaigns like Make in India, Start up India and many
others so that I can increase my earnings and repay the loans I have
taken.”

“There have been some misunderstandings as well because
those 15 lakh he has transferred to my account is still not reflecting
in my available balance.”

“Which 15 lakh?” we inquired.

“Those
15 lakh he gave us from black money proceeds. See, after he promised
to deposit 15 lakh in our accounts during election campaign, I
immediately informed the debt collectors that some funds were in the
process of getting transferred to my account in 100 days and that I
would clear the entire outstanding amount once it’s done. Don’t know
what’s causing the delay. I have even written a letter to him saying,
‘Sir, I am in deep financial stress. Kindly transfer the fund at your
earliest convenience,’ but still it’s not getting cleared. I think I
have sent him incorrect IFSC code.”

“However, I have actively
taken part in some of his noble initiatives like Clean India Movement
and Yoga Day. I have learned that 94 crore was spent on Swachh Bharat
ads in one year and 15.87 crore on SMSes to promote Yoga Day, and it was
totally worth it.”

“Are you regretting your decision to support
Narendra Modi?” we posed a question to understand if he was happy with
Modi government.

“Are you among those 12 followers of Rahul
Gandhi who understand his speeches and refuse to admit that he is a
stand-up comedian in the disguise of a politician?”

We hurriedly concluded the interview.

Also published here http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2016/01/21/modi-launches-learn-india-learn-campaign-to-educate-lower-income-group-about-his-other-campaigns/

Thursday, 14 January 2016

A hardened criminal, who was acquitted in several cases of murder,
kidnapping, armed robbery, and other legal violations in the past due to
lack of evidence, has finally been brought to justice after he
allegedly poked fun at a Godman.

The followers of the Godman took
to the streets, demanding action against the blasphemous mortal under
section 295A for his audacious statement. The judiciary, that is ably
protecting religious sentiments these days using all its efforts and
resources, swung into action and sent him to 14 days judicial custody.

We
managed to have a chat with the accused and he said, “I swear, I did
not poke fun at him, I was just curious. I liked his trousers and asked
him whether he made them from a saree or not but strangely, he
did not respond. I thought I needed to be more specific, so I asked him
if his costume designer was suffering from any psychiatric ailment, and
that irked him. He called the cops on me who arrested me without wasting
any time. You know how serious a religious offense is and even the cops
don’t want to take a chance with that.”

“But now you would face trials in many pending cases that were once closed due to lack of evidence,” we informed him.

“Are they going to club everything together?”

“Yes, they will.”“But even this guy was charged with rape and murder in 2007. What about that?”

“He
is a Godman now. Moreover, he hasn’t hurt anyone’s religious
sentiments. Anyway, just apologize to him and everything should be fine,
or even better, become his follower.”

We bade him goodbye when the jailer informed him that someone wanted to meet him, and a colorful object entered the cell.

Meanwhile,
all terrorist organizations have instructed their members to read
section 295A carefully and not to hurt anyone’s religious beliefs while
carrying out their operations in India.

Also published herehttp://www.theunrealtimes.com/2016/01/14/serial-killer-evading-legal-action-for-10-years-finally-arrested-for-hurting-religious-sentiments/

Wednesday, 13 January 2016

Prime
Minister Narendra Modi’s Air India One made an emergency return from
Mumbai’s Chhatrapati Shivaji International Airport today after news
broke out in the flight that a restriction
has been imposed on taking selfies in various parts of Mumbai. He was
scheduled to visit some of the drought-affected areas in Maharashtra
region.

Later, his party released a statement saying, “Although
Shri Narendra Modi couldn’t meet the victims personally due to
extraordinary circumstances, his 3D hologram is taking stock of the
situation there.”

Speculations were rife as to what prompted him
to cancel his visit. Some suggested he perhaps realized at the last
minute that his travel agent lied and Mumbai was not in Europe, whereas
others professed he couldn’t create enough jumlas for the speech he was supposed to deliver there.

In a candid discussion with The Unreal Times,
Shri Narendra Modi put all the speculations to rest and admitted that
the reason why he cancelled his visit was indeed that selfie ban, “If 16
sites are declared ‘no selfie zones’ then what is left? Dadar railway
station?”

“But you did not have to take selfies in Mumbai,
especially when you have already taken selfies at multiple locations
while circumnavigating the world, and you might click one or two in the
space soon,” we tried to put things into perspective, “Moreover, there
must be more to an official visit than clicking selfies.”

“Yes,
like having dinner with foreign delegates, I know what you are trying to
say but selfie is a very important tool for continuous improvement. You
can look at an old selfie and understand where you erred in the past.
Maybe you did not smile properly or you forgot to stand in the light
when you took the selfie, but these mistakes guide you when you click
the next one, because selfies are your best teachers,” Mr. Photogenic
2015 affirmed.

“So when did it all start?” we dig deep to identify the root cause of this mysterious syndrome.

“I
have always had a penchant for photography. Initially, I used to take
photographs of cauliflowers, stray dogs, and grasshoppers, you know,
like professional photographers. But once the selfie feature was
introduced, I found the subject of my creative pursuit…my face. I
achieved nirvana.”

“But what would you do if you are invited to attend an event in Mumbai in future?”

“Don’t know. Maybe I will just take an aerial view of the event,” he concluded.

Also published herehttp://www.theunrealtimes.com/2016/01/13/16-sites-in-mumbai-declared-no-selfie-zones-narendra-modi-cancels-his-mumbai-visit/

Monday, 11 January 2016

Vivek Oberoi was caught gatecrashing at Hrithik Roshan’s birthday
bash. He arrived at the party uninvited and started eating whatever was
available there. However, he soon created a ruckus about excess salt in
food when the guests identified him and raised an alarm.

As
everyone ran helter-skelter screaming, “Oh my God, it’s Vivek Oberoi,”
he misconstrued their frightened squeals as cries of adulation and posed
for photographs with them before security guards swung into action and
escorted him outside.

Speaking to The Unreal Times,
Hrithik Roshan said, “I am not familiar with quite a few faces here but I
gave them the benefit of the doubt assuming they are from the catering
service,” he pointed toward Mika Singh and Ameesha Patel and continued,
“But not Vivek Oberoi. You cannot forget him easily. My neighborhood
grocery shop guy refused to give me credit after the collections of
Krrish 3 were made public, and it all happened because of him.”

“But
the collections of Krrish 3 can be attributed to a bizarre script and
that glittering, silver color consume you forced him to wear,” we tried
to reason.

“Not at all. Even I wore costumes in Krrish series,
and everyone, other than a few stray dogs, appreciated the look. That’s
why we have decided not to have a villain in Krrish 4.”

“Krrish 4? Is the story ever going to end?”

“See, that’s a continuing story. Let me narrate it to you for your understanding.”

We
beat a hasty retreat from there but bumped into serial gatecrasher Mika
Singh, who has attended almost all the parties happened on planet earth
in the past few years. Recently, when Salman Khan hosted Paris Hilton
at Balaji Rao’s birthday party, Mika Singh sneaked in as usual; however,
things did not turn out quite as he’d expected as, after drinking
copious amounts of…umm, water, Salman Khan gifted Mika’s necklace to Ms.
Hilton, and all he could manage was a fleeting, strained smile.

Later,
the news headline read – “Salman Khan gifts Paris Hilton a diamond
studded necklace,” and everyone hailed him for his generosity, although,
there was a small mention at the bottom of the page, – “The necklace
was originally owned by Mika,” which everyone ignored.

We asked
Mika what he was doing at Hrithik’s party and he said, “What else?
Partying. No party is complete without Mika Singh,” he made the sign of
the horns by extending his index and little fingers when someone
interrupted him by saying, “Bhaiya, change the music, no? People are leaving.”

Also published here http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2016/01/11/gatecrasher-caught-at-hrithik-roshans-birthday-bash-identified-as-vivek-oberoi/

Saturday, 9 January 2016

Anantapur court was abuzz with activities this morning as
representatives of 330 million Gods appeared here to file lawsuits against
individuals who took potshots at Gods on various platforms over the past few
years.Cases were filed against film
makers, standup comedians, and a few manufacturing companies who used Gods’
images on the wrappers to sell their products.

It all started after the same court issued a non-bailable warrant
against MS Dhoni, over his portrayal as Lord Vishnu, when they realized that
there was justice somewhere in the world.

We spoke to a group of Gods outside the courtroom and they said, “See,
you have to stand up to trolls otherwise they will keep attacking you.”

“But if you don’t react, they would eventually stop trolling and go
silent,” we said.

“Yeah, that’s what even Dr. Manmohan Singh thought and see who has
actually gone silent,” they giggled as they continued, “Anyway, these
filmmakers had initially made mythological movies and spread a lot of
misinformation about us like we need offerings and blah.I mean, what is it with offering flowers at
the temples?What are we supposed to do
with flowers?”

“Then they made movies, questioning our existence.Can someone tell me why Amitabh Bachchan
delivered that monologue in Dewaar?One
person spoke for and against the motion and then went home victoriously after
winning an argument that no one else took part in.”

“And then they crossed all limits and started ridiculing us in
movies.They showed that we get scared
when we visit earth and see your so-called urban life.Bloody ignorant baboons, we had technology
even before you came into existence.”

“And those product wrappers?” another God interjected.

“Yes, first they told everyone that we like agarbattis, then they put our photographs on the packets to support
their statement, then they sold those agarbattis
and made money.And all we got was smoke
in our eyes.”

“We did not know how to counter these malicious acts.We occasionally used earthquakes and
thunderstorms to remind you that you needed to be more respectful to us.But instead of getting the hints, you started
doing research to find out the causes of those calamities, completely
disregarding our presence.

“Finally, we read about this court case against Dhoni on Times of Ind…I
mean, we learned using our special powers that this court has issues a non-bailable
warrant against Dhoni, and that’s when we decided to handle the issue
legally.Now we are going to teach you
guys some lessons,” a vengeful smile descended on their faces as they
collectively clenched their fists, reminiscent of the posture Shanthakumaran
Sreesanth assumed during an IPL match against Mumbai before he was slapped.

Meanwhile, Photoshop is planning to introduce a feature, after Dhoni’s
case, that would prevent users from morphing Gods’ photographs, and would
display an error message – ‘Read only file.Cannot be modified,’ when someone tries to edit an image of God.

Also published here
http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2016/01/09/330-million-gods-file-lawsuits-against-various-individuals-for-hurting-religious-sentiments/

Friday, 8 January 2016

There is good news for all movie buffs as renowned movie reviewer Arvind Kejriwal has decided to post full movie reviews on Twitter. This service would go live in a couple of months time once Twitter introduces the new feature that would relax its 140 character limit and allow its users to make 10,000 character tweets, in other words, it would allow them to make fools of themselves voluntarily.

The entire film fraternity has welcomed the decision of their favorite movie reviewer, who has an OCD to watch every single movie that hits the theater and had taken many by surprise in the past by reviewing movies that many did not know existed.

Meanwhile, a few followers of Salman Khan have urged him not to use the feature and sent him direct messages saying, “Bhai, old is gold. Stick to 140 characters,” whereas others are trying to read 10,000 characters from his Twitter timeline in one go just to have a feel of the carnage he is going to wreak once the 10K feature is launched.

Also published herehttp://www.theunrealtimes.com/2016/01/08/arvind-kejriwal-to-now-tweet-full-movie-reviews-as-twitter-increases-character-limit-to-10000/

Wednesday, 6 January 2016

Wonder kid Shahid Afridi has bounced back to form after scoring a
scintillating 1000-run knock in a school cricket match in Karachi. Batting at no 9, Afridi hit 65 sixes and 120
fours to reach the milestone before running himself out when he, in a fit of
enthusiasm, ran too hard and ended up running beside his partner. Though, both batsmen running to the same end
is an acceptable running between the wickets technique in Pakistan, pioneered
by legendary runner Inzamam-ul-Haq and widely followed by the entire Pakistan
cricket team, many criticized Afridi for not grounding his bat.

Afridi looked jubilant as he addressed a press conference after the
match. The champion cricketer, who has decided
to focus only on T20 and Book Cricket after retiring from other formats, said
at the press conference, “Today, I have silenced my critics who always said I
am not capable of playing big innings and refused to acknowledge my record
breaking scores against Kamran Akmal in book cricket. I tried to answer them with the bat in the
past as well but they managed to run away every time I chased them with the
bat.”

Pakistani fans, who had recently celebrated their team’s series win
against Zimbabwe after realizing that their next international match is in 2017,
have decided to continue the celebration as their only internationally known
player is back in form.

One of the fans, while speaking to The Unreal Times, Said, “There was
an ever-present look of confusion on his face, as if he was unsure whether he
was a batsman, a bowler, a fielder, a non-playing captain, or just a bearded
guy, standing in the middle of the ground for no apparent reason. This innings will help him understand his role
in the team.”

We contacted the captain of the school team against whom Afridi scored
all the runs, and he said, “We hadn’t conceded so many runs in all the matches
put together in last one year, but today these two uncles said they needed some
match practice before IPL and decided to bowl at Afridi,” he pointed toward two
gentlemen who resembled Ishant Sharma and Ashok Dinda.

Also published herehttp://www.theunrealtimes.com/2016/01/07/after-pranav-dhanawade-now-shahid-afridi-slams-1000-runs-in-a-school-cricket-match/