The secret blog/self-therapy space of Ms Dolly Daydream*; ex professional career girl/social butterfly/commitment phobe trying to make it (fake it; most of the time) in the real world as a new mummy and a fully fledged girlfriend/partner (I guess?) looking after 3 people and a home. Eek.
*name totally fabricated in order to protect identity of self from partner/family/friends/the world for fear of hurting the feelings of those mentioned (or getting attacked with a kitchen knife)

Thursday, 22 March 2012

Sometimes, we take the most important things in life for granted....

....and then we may happen upon something like this- http://erinsgift.blogspot.co.uk/ and suddenly you realise how precious those important little things really are.

Whilst attempting to better my blogging skills today and reading some blogs and those bloggers tweets, I came upon a retweet for the blog above.

Erin's Gift. Try as I might, I just cannot put into words how this blog made me feel.

I thought I was emotional whilst I was pregnant. I thought I was even more emotional during labour. Birth and then suddenly having this newborn in my life? I was inconsolable.

Then I read Erin's Gift's Blog and it opened up a whole truck load of new emotions inside of me I never realised I had.

Erin, a beautiful baby girl who passed away at just 22 days old had Turner's Syndrome and a defect on her heart was found. She battled for her life and underwent heart surgery but sadly, did not survive from the complications of the surgery.

'Erin's Gift' was set up by Erin's mummy and daddy in her memory to raise funds for some of the amazing organisations and charities that have helped and supported them throughout their journey. Erin's mummy blogs to help deal with her grief and to help raise awareness of the charity.

I can't really find the words inside me to say everything I want to about this amazing woman and her baby daughter.

I cherish my daughter deeply. I constantly kiss and cuddle her, squeeze her because she's just so bloody gorgeous that I can't contain myself and tell her I love her; even though she hasn't a clue what I'm saying and just smiles back at me with those big red inflamed gums of hers; happy that I'm just talking to her in general. Changing her nappy should take seconds but has been known to take up to half an hour as I tickle her feet, kiss them, make her giggle and just look at this precious gift that I produce.

I felt that I had a really bad time at the beginning of my daughter's life; adjusting to all of the hormones that are brought along by the life changing experience of being a new mum and dealing with a baby that never stopped crying because of a gastric problem I never knew about at the time. The only thing I knew, was that I was her mother and I couldn't comfort her and stop her from crying and that really bothered me because I felt that I was the one person that should have been able to. Only my own mother was better at than I was.

Doctors, Paediatricians, books, websites, they all told me 'once she starts weaning and gets to around six months she'll start getting better'. Has she? Yes she has. Am I relieved? Yes of course I am. But when she was four weeks old, six months felt like a lifetime and I couldn't help but wish that time away. Anytime she would writhe around in pain with the acid shooting up from her stomach, scream whilst passing wind or have one of her crying bouts I'd try to get through it, comforting her as much as I could and comforting myself by just thinking 'six months, six months, six month'.

In six days time, she will be officially six months old. After reading another mums story and realising that she enjoyed her only time with her daughter over the course of just 22 days, realising that the 22 days of Erin's life that she spent with her mother I probably spent feeling sorry for myself, trying to get help for my daughter and wishing the time away; I have regrets.

You only get one chance at sharing each moment of your daughters life with her; because each moment lasts once only and then is gone forever; with only photographs, videos or fond memories being able to take you back to that moment. But they only take you there in your head.

From this moment on, I know I will enjoy every single second of Isla's life with her. When she is throwing a tantrum and I am attempting to calm her, I won't sigh and get impatient or stressed out; I'll smile to myself and know this is my strong headed (and legged!) independent 6 month old daughters only way of expressing herself because she wants to walk but she can't. I may even video it, knowing that one day; I'll probably sit down with her when she's older and we will be able to watch it together and we'll probably laugh.

But most important of all, I'll just be grateful that I have her, tantrum or no trantrum, every single day of my life. I'll be happy that on that cold January day in 2011 when I unexpectedly did four pregnancy tests; they all turned out to be positive and that at 7.02am on a strangely beautiful sunshiny day in September 2011, I was given the most amazing gift on earth; life.

I have decided that on the next sunny day that we have, my baby girl and I are going to go on a drive. We're going to go somewhere we've never been to before. Nowhere in particular. When we come across a really pretty park or quiet peaceful place, were going to get out and walk and find a spot. We're going to plant a daffodil in memory of baby Erin and we're going to plant another for her mummy and daddy. Then I'll take our picture in the spot we choose. When she's old enough and has a child of her own, I'll share the photograph and story with her.

A mothers love for her child, there is no force within the universe that compares to it.