They’ve been poisoning our water supply, forcing us to laugh uncontrollably until our innards catch fire, engaging supermen with ancient, dangerous artifacts from their planets of origin, and throat-stomping superhero sidekicks for over 70 years. Because of this, their litany of terrible, preposterously-themed plans for global domination, we find the recurrence of super-villainy to be….entertaining.

I mean, let’s face it; how fun would it be to read about Superman hugging homeless people when it’s far more engaging to watch Lex Luthor slam him in the crotch with a Kryptonite mallet. And Batman without his colorful cadre of super-predators would be like reading a magazine about the many exiting shades of off-white paint. Anyway, heroes need contentious forces, and we revel in the entertainment created by these off-kilter conflicts. So, to properly celebrate malicious, sometimes masked murderers and psychologically splintered malcontents, we give you the Villains HeroBox mystery box (of death)!!

Click this sh*t or else!

If you’re brave enough to order one of these potentially booby-trapped mystery boxes, you should know the neatly packaged trove of terrible treasures is twofold:

The Silver Edition!

This costs you a measly $49 for $70-worth of villain-centric swag!

The Gold Edition!

This costs you a paltry $69 for $100-worth of officially branded super-villain accessories and attire!

What does our Villains HeroBox actually contain?

Well, it will definitely contain a t-shirt of your choice, and perhaps a selection of the following:

A pair of socks!
A glowing rock that weakens ridiculously powerful, gravity-dismissing aliens who look like Tommy Hilfiger models.
A pint glass!
An ice cube tray!
A lanyard!
A baby Parademon!
100,000 wind-up, chattering teeth!
Buttons!
A wallet!
A riddle!
More bath salts than you could ever eat!

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