Christ, I know what you’re thinking. Get your shit together, Rumorator. You said this was the year you would pump out more than 16 crap-assed posts. Prove it numbnuts. Shit, dude I’ve been writing some hackneyed government website for the past couple of weeks. It’s hard being a pinko these days.

But on with the show, eh.

The Beginning: Triple corked the fuck outta shit.Guys, big news Shaun White triple corked a slopestyle jump (or as us regulars call it, “a jump”). You can see it over on Yobeat, or like everywhere else.

But the more important Shaun White element was that he was on hit NBC show Goon, starring that dude from Friends. The one the was always saying “Whoa!” and “Bada Bing!” That dude is on the sequel to Friends and the show had Shaun White guest starring as Shawn Whyte “The greatest snowboarder of all fictional time™” and to talk about Stride gums.

I actually watched this, and you can too. And honestly, The Blanco was not the worst thing about this show. And this show is not the worst thing on TV. At the same time, it doesn’t really excel as a show. It just falls flat. I assume it will get cancelled. But hey, thanks for advancing the idea that all of snowboarding is just Shaun White.

Dude does triple corks, you know, right?

NEXT!A couple weeks ago my Milwaukee host family, Chip and Metal Brian and 2nd cousin N8zilla, were heading to northern Wisconsin to spend time at a place they just referred to as The Bus. I really tried to flake out on this. I didn’t like giving up a good shred weekend to drive four hours north.

But then things, changed up. The weather turned warm. It was suddenly perfect for northern Wisconsin-ing, and crap for snowboarding. I realized that at some point, every man wants to hang out at a place called “The Bus”. To be at such a place, just to talk shit with friends and drink beers outside is a pretty rad. Plus I learned it was wasn’t really that far away.

It still took forever to get there Friday night. Super dense fog had me travelling 35mph on the freeway and then stuck in the delightful little town of Wittenberg for over an hour. I wasn’t actually stuck but the fog was not letting me find my way out. It was like the Eagles said, “You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave. And we make incredibly shitty music.”

Eventually, I made it and the first thought to enter my head was, “This is where people go to die. This is literally a bus in the middle of the woods, in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of Wisconsin.” I ignored that feeling as I have like 3 other times in my life, just took a seat and got into some boozes.

The night consisted of sitting by a fire, drinking whiskey, drinking beer, poking sticks into the fire, trying to bake a potato, telling jokes, listening to black metal, listening to Paul Scheer review Anaconda, and listening to Mysterious Universe Plus episodes. It was shaping up to be a good evening, then I looked over to the condiments table and a saw this laying there:

This led into an hour-long discussion about how uncomfortable I was with a handgun just hanging out. Then I suggested a game that involved Chip and I make a game of doing donuts in our trucks while everyone else tries to shoot the tires . Nobody else was feeling that. Gun culture is still beyond me.

And to address the Chekhov in the room, the gun was fired at a few cans and a metal target, which may have been a frying pan, hanging in a tree.

The LA version naturally just talked about how rad skiing is. This is typical coverage. Snowboarders have always been the foil, so when the recent snowboarding bubble pops, it’s never about how trends are cyclical. The LA Times makes it about how skiing is what’s cool and everyone always comes back to skiing. To the LA Times snowboarding is just a phase you go through, like jewish girls, or other dudes. Snowboarding was never anything real, it was simply a fling. Now let’s get back to what’s important here, that being skiing.

The New York Times, America’s paper of record, uses the same jumping off point, but then addresses how snowboarding hasn’t built in a contingency plan. Snowboardist are essentially drowning themselves in the hottub.

If these predictions are accurate, we’re looking at a 20-30 percent drop in ridership. At first glance that might seem awesome. Less kids sitting around, fucking the whole scene up, right? And most of those kids don’t stick with it anyway. Except for the few of them who become the core riders. But 20-30 percent is a pretty significant drop for the industry. Fewer boards, boots, gloves coats, goggles, neck gaiters. All that shit will take a hit.

Of course, you could say that those that are being skimmed off are probably part of the problem in snowboarding. I feel confident assuming most of the skimmed do not get their gear from the core shops and thus aren’t really impacted those of us who are core+. There may be a new lull in snowboarding coming, and now that we have basked in the good life, are we ready to slink back into the background. Sure. Why not?

Maybe you don’t like the raps. Maybe you think dude number one looks too much like J Casanova. Maybe you’re still stuck in that 1987 mentality and thinking, “I don’t think this stuff is for real.”

Whatever, get over it. These guys have been shuffling around Milwaukee for a while, so it was cool to see them get up here. (I have no clue how MTV Hive works. Perhaps anyone can just post up shit, and it’s all just user generated. I hope it’s a bit more selective than that. If you do know the ins and outs of the MTV Hive, please do not tell me. the less I

There will come a time in your life when stochasticity is gonna hit, and you’re going to realize how unready you are for the world. I’m in that zone right now. Waiting for the other shoe to fall. Waiting for the hammer to drop. Waiting by the phone. Waiting for you to call me up and tell me I’m not alone†.

Element 1:What’s Right With This Picture?Dig this, last night, I was laying in bed reading some annual reports, as I do. I checked my twitter trough and this comes up:

Now, you’re looking at this thinking, “Brother, something is not right here. The lyrics say “our home AND native land.”

And that is fact, but you know what? The Idle No More movement is something. First Nations, First People, whatever term you want to use, show some respect to people who have been shit upon for 500 plus. We know enough about history

to know they gotta raw deal. It’s time to make amends. Watch how this shakes out in Canada and compare that to how it’s looking for the Bad River Tribe in Wisconsin. [sarcasm]I can’t wait to see the state government mine the shit out of the piece of land they were forced on to [/sarcasm].

I gotta stay out of the political. The real significance of that image is who is wearing that shirt.

Element 2: Fuck a RAV4I’m in a loaner RAV4 currently, while the Tacomer is getting fixed. For the last few months I’ve been on this “Fuck a RAV4” bend. I had no real merit except that I didn’t like them. THE GAME HAS CHANGED NOW MFers. But still, Fuck a RAV4. I got in it this morning and just start poking at what I assume is the stereo. This damn thing isn’t even outfitted with Bluetooth to stream the hot shit (podcasts) straight from my phone. Who are the Neanderthals buying these cars? I’m surprised it even has a steering wheel.

Finally, I connect with a preset and this gets dropped on me:

8:25AM and some station in Madison is bumping quota-pop from like 2Grand. Shit. Those are some advertising dollars being lost. I turned it up.

The 9000 pound rhinoceros in the chatroom:
Let’s just deal with this before we go on.

A-man rode this. That legal weeding MFer, splittered up as far he could go, then boot packed the rest. When he got to the top, he rode a snowboard back down. Holy shit, right? He’s just like, “Swot I do.”

Let me tell you this: A-man is legend in my house. LEGEND. You thought his split adventures and rope skipping were the end of it. Nope. Dude destroyed the Supernatural event with double-helichopters. He comes back next season, kills us with a quarter-helichopter, and somehow it’s progress. Then, he gets back on the splitter and does this.

In my mother’s house they just hung a portrait of A-man over the dining room table. Full fucking aureola. But then again, they were never very good cafflicks.

What else is news?
All the news that is news revolves around little sleep, fewer showers and a lot of standing in the snow. The office was shuttered between the winter solstice and New Year’s Day, so I spent as much time as possible riding on snowboards. It was fun. Early on I felt old, then I felt young and spry, then after like 5 days in row, my body felt old again. But that could be because I chose not to bother with things like sleep or healthy living.

There is also the issue of this thing:

Man, I’ve been riding on snowboards for a couple of decades now. And I’ve been suckered into some real-deal snake oils. Leashes, low backs, chain wallets (time is still gonna tell on this one) and Forum Snowboards, just to name a few. So when saw this NXTZ gear come up, I was thinking, “Well that’s cute.”

But I wanted to support it. American made products, good styles and fuck it, Dale is behind it. I was 75% on board. Then, Yobeat did one up with those fucking cats and I was sold.

Broder, I don’t even like cats, but that was just too good. Here’s another thing: Brooke made me pay for that shit, so I wasn’t even about to be Swayboardered. But you know, backing Yobeat, backing NXTZ, backing Dale’s vision for the brand, I can only dream of all my purchases being so considered.

This thing is ridiculously warm. It’s to the point now that I don’t want to ride without it. I guess I never really noticed how much cold air was blowing through my neck hole, but I do now when I’m necktubeless.

Plus, it’s enabled me to run a lot less gear and stay warm. Often this year, I’ve been out in vests and light coats with the necktube. And that’s not like running vests and light coats in Tahoe or Mammoth, shit is cold here. This is Wisconsin. We ride trash heaps and fake snow.

J-Pop America Fun Time NowAfter I was old and all snowboarded out, I made the trip to Chicago to spend New Years Eve with C-blast, Metal Joe, and Xine.

Xine was recently run down by a car, but she was still able to hobble around with us. Anyway for as long as I have known Xine, she has been talking about the Xine family New Years party and how I really need to go. A decade later I’m there.

Holy fuck, how did I ever miss this? There were like 100 people there, all family and close friends. And the food. Tables and tables and tables of pickled vegetables, sushi, sashimi, Japanese soups and deserts and it was all so good.

But that was only half of it. Her family is the family you wish you had—all so friendly, intelligent, rad and super welcoming. It was pretty much the best New Year’s Day I’ve ever had. Tip of the hat to this lady:

Here’s the cover of Beer Advocate I was on this month. I really want to thank Beer Advocate magazine for recognizing my bottle grabbing skillz and for chopping on some tattoo action. This should make me much more successful with the women are who are really into getting blackout drunk.

Then there was this image.

Notice how unthrilled the mamajama is in the picture. If this took place on a bus, I would have been arrested.

Keep Going Part:

Weather legends are foretelling of a proper winter storm hitting my zone Wednesday and Thursday. Naturally I’m to be driving the Canadian to the airport in Chicago, so he can get home for the holidays.

The original plan called for me to then swing up to Milwaukee to assist a trivia show there. But if this storm really is a bruiser, there’s no way I’m fucking with my chance to be snowboarding first thing Thursday morning. Sorry office folks, Priorities are priorities and rulez is rulez.

Time is gonna tell how this will play out. I’ll keep you insufficiently posted.

“For all your weather recap needs, turn to WRVR, the station that shows you porno.”

At least we didn’t have to break out the lighter fluid. I don’t know if that shit happens in other places, or if it’s just some Tyrone’s Basement anomaly. But it happens every year.

By late March, the local ski-knoll has rags and jugs of lighter fluid for anyone to use at the bottom of the hill. You see, the snow is melting down, and half of it is artificial anyway, so the snow filthy. That filth collects on your base and after two or three runs it’s like trying to ride on Velcro hook-and-loop fabrics. The lighter fluid strips the filth from your base, and I’m pretty sure it destroys the base as well.

And people do this with complete disregard for the amount of lighter fluid being dumped directly on the ground, their gear, and their exposed skin. Sheeeit. In oh-six I saw a dude, trying to light a cig, go up in flames after using this method. Everyone just let him burn down to ash.

But none of that happened this weekend. Even though it was pushing 50 degrees on Saturday. It also rained. A lot. We still rode. Even tried a few tricks. Then we stood in the rain and drank parking lot beers. Fuck man, it was near perfect. Sure the entire knoll wasn’t even open yet, and there were only a few rails, one jump and the light was flat as that girl you dated in college

when you were on that “boobs don’t matter” bender. And it was nearly a downpour. None of that mattered. It was still snowboarding. It was rad.

Also, at the risk of shayboarderism: I was kept very dry by to my Holden Durden pants and my super old AK Gore-Tex XCR coat. Thanks to those companies for making good products. But Holden, maybe you guys could work on making buttons that stay on the garments for longer than 25 minutes.

@ndSocial Medium

There is something wonderful about this tweet:

GingSTEELE is enetz radness for sure. Part-shred mama. Full-time mama. Pretty stoked she’s back on the tweets. Buttfuck, get with that tweet. That thing is heavy. The story she is telling is way bigger than 140 characters. The language is great. Such suspense—WILL SHE BE ABLE TO DO IT? I’m gonna read that tweet like 30 more times.

That NdGT tweet above GingSTEELE’s is solid as well.

#rdI’m a Writer

You guys remember when I got a degree in Creative Writing? You guys remember when I got wait-listed at the University of Arkansas-Fayetteville and rejected from a grip of other top graduate schools in the country?

Yeah, those were good times.

But now, after all those years of fretting over unrecognized genius, self aggrandizing bloggery, and realignment of life dreams, Simon & Schuster has decided to enter the game of self-publishing.

1nd We’re just getting right into it today. First and foremost, we need to address the Red Bull Kluge video.

I’m a fan of a proper Rube Goldberg machine. In college I developed a system with three bowling pins, an empty egg carton, a novelty handgun cigarette lighter, the complete works of BilKeane, a bust of Chelsea Clinton, 100 Mage Knight figurines, a Dvorak keyboard, an ant farm, glow-in-the-dark plastic fangs, table tennis balls, a poster of Dilated Peoples and about 600 feet of duct tape to make sure I never got laid. It worked wonderfully.

Even though I suspect this machine is still working, you really wouldn’t want to see it in action. It was rather boring. There was never the aspect of “OOOO…is it gonna work?” There was no tension. No wow factor.

And that’s exactly what Red Bull has done here. The problem isn’t that there is no point, it’s a fucking kluge after all. The issue is that it’s all so predictable. “Oh you have some minor element of a Rube Goldberg then some car dude drives in circles. I hope he does it right.” The whole thing is uninspired AND it’s really fucking long.

I’d rank this production tedious out of four stars.

Now go check out a couple Goldbergs with soul:

2th I was standing in the shower today, thinking about how I once heard The Steve Miller Band referred to as the poor man’s Eagles. Like The Eagles need a poor man’s version. It’s not that the Steve Miller Band was any better or worse, both are pretty fucking horrible. But The Eagles’ music isn’t what I associate with the upper crust. For real, Hotel California and then like god knows how the fuck many albums of that weird, seventies, pop-country fusion crap. Do you know effect that music can have on a youth forced to listen to classic rock radio stations all summer? Those harmonies, those simple song structures, it’s no wonder my taste in porno tends to have a little swerve to it.

I also have a strange memory of those old fat dudes being picked to play the super bowl halftime show and my boss soaking his trousers with excitement. He also said something about making Jell-O shots and a vodka watermelon.

California is the Spanish language version used in The Big Lebowski, which was not performed by The Eagles. Also, can you imagine how shitty a poor man’s Aerosmith would be? Fuck. Wal-Mart would be selling compact discs by the truckload.

For some reason, I’m kinda considering a pair of these for the office. I think it might be the Brushie-esque fishbone thing happening on the toe. Maybe it’s the fact that some of the proceeds go to help abandoned and abused animals. But I think it’s because these things are guaranteed to be comfy as fuckall. Seriously, look at Justin Verbon. That dude is not getting uncomfortable. Those shoes are the podalic equivalent of just a couple small pulls and then listening to Music for Airports. I’m kinda surprised they even have laces. I suspect Justin Iver doesn’t wear his with laces, and those black ones were an afterthought. Those laces are horb.

5st Where the fuck was old bossman gonna get a watermelon in the middle of winter in Wisconsin?

6nd This exists:

Something to do with a Wisconsin based brand, ScissorBird. I don’t really know anything about them, but if I had this image on a shirt I would wear it every Saturday.