Wednesday, October 24, 2012

The evil green monster

I have a confession. I have that evil green eyed monster showing through right now - Jealousy.

I feel horrible for having these feelings of jealousy, but I cannot deny that they are there.

Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I believe in the systematic order of things that you fall in love, you buy a house, you get married, you get a dog, then you have children. The oldest children are the first to go through this process, followed by their younger siblings.

My husband and I were supposed to be the first on both sides of our families to have children. I'm the oldest on my side of the family, and my husband is the 2nd oldest on his side, but we were the first ones to get married. We're the first ones to have a home of our own. We were established and according to our plans (I told you we're planners) - we were to be the first ones to have a child. The one that would be ooo'ed and ahhh'ed over as the first child in many many years.

But then, God laughed.

My husband's younger cousin who had just started dating a guy for a few weeks got pregnant. She was to have the first child. With a guy she just met! She doesn't have a career and still lives in her parent's basement!! That's not a plan! The planner in me goes nuts whenever I think about the situation. This is fresh in my mind as she is now 9 months pregnant and her water broke this morning. The first child on my husband's side of the family is on her way (and will be living in the grandparent's basement still).

I wish I wasn't jealous and angry over the situation. A child is a blessing, and I'm happy that she gets to experience it. But the jealous green monster in me takes over and thinks "that should have been my child", "i did so much work, so much planning...", "they aren't even prepared to have a child!", "will my child not be as fascinating to them since they already have a child in the family?".

Ugh...

I know it's horrible of me to be so jealous. But I am. I can't change it.