Give peace a chance as I launch a rocket

Scenes of jubilation greeted a tentative ceasefire between Chatswood and North Sydney that came into effect last night after more than a week of violence.

North Sydney and Chatswood both ramped up their attacks in the final minutes before the ceasefire took effect at 9pm local time, with North Sydney pounding targets in Chatswood and Chatswood Council launching a late flurry of missiles at the northern tip of North Sydney, around Crows Nest.

The ceasefire has been brokered by the Naremburn Council, which will also guarantee the terms. They include an end to missile fire from Chatswood aimed at North Sydney and a commitment from North Sydney Council to stop targeting senior Chatswood councillors for assassination.

The deal also calls for North Sydney to open more right-hand turns off the Pacific Highway into and out of Chatswood – the details of which are to be thrashed out in the next 24 hours.

“I know there are citizens expecting a more severe military action, and perhaps we shall need to do so,” the mayor of North Sydney told a news conference. “But for the time being I am prepared to give peace a chance.”

Earlier in the week, North Sydney had called up nearly 70,000 reservists to prepare for a ground invasion of Chatswood.

As the truce took effect elated shoppers took to the brightly lit streets of Chatswood to celebrate, firing guns into the air and blasting car horns, although the sound of drones launched from North Sydney could still be heard overhead. Foreign Minister Bob Carr was earlier in the week quick to point the finger at North Sydney for overreacting to provocation from its neighbour.

“Of course the ratepayers of North Sydney have a right to defend themselves. But targeting an innocent council official like Albert Sproggs, Chatswood’s Chief Bombmaker-in-Residence and Inspector in Charge of Murder and Mayhem, and assassinating him in cold blood while he’s driving down Mowbray Road harmlessly going about his normal daily business of inspecting and installing new rocket launchers, is clearly disproportionate.”

Responding to a North Sydney spokesperson’s claim that terrified residents had had enough of living in constant fear of explosives hurtling out of the blue from Chatswood and landing on their heads, a prominent media commentator and left-wing intellectual pointed out that it was unreasonable of North Sydney families to complain.

“Like, let’s face it. OK, so a couple of militant kids in Chatswood throw a few bombs over the fence from time to time? Big deal. Like, how many people in North Sydney have actually died? Huh? Like, three? What’s the problem? This is so, like, way out of line.”

When asked how many North Sydney residents he would like to see die before some form of retaliation was acceptable, the academic made his apologies and hurriedly left, citing a prior commitment at a rally outside a hot chocolate shop in Marrickville.

Speaking to a packed media conference, Chatswood Library’s Dean of Misinformation and Media Manipulation was eager to seek a peaceful solution to the vexed problems of the entire north shore while unequivocally expressing his condemnation of North Sydney.

“Until North Sydney lifts its disgraceful blockade of the Lane Cove tunnels and allows us to get on with the job of harmlessly purchasing as many long-range missiles as we can, which we get at a great discount online at ahmadinejad.com, then Chatswood Council has every right to protest in a civilised and peaceful manner, such as by randomly firing 14,000 rockets and mortars into North Sydney’s homes, schools and kindergartens.”

When asked what steps Chatswood was prepared to take to ensure a lasting peace, the Dean held up a freshly printed copy of a draft statement. “This is our peace plan, which we are totally committed to on our side, and it calls on North Sydney to co-exist peacefully alongside Chatswood in peaceful co-operation and in accordance with the fair and pragmatic steps to peaceful co-existence outlined in the Chatswood Charter.”

When it was pointed out that the second paragraph of the Chatswood Charter calls for the obliteration of North Sydney and article 7 of the charter demands the immediate annihilation of all North Sydney ratepayers, the Dean made his excuses, citing a prior commitment to speak to an adoring audience of unquestioning ABC newsreaders.