News from nowhere

A motorway service station just off the M40 near Slough declared its independence from the United Kingdom, prompting police to cordon off the hard shoulder. The announcement came after weeks of tension around the Welcome Break, which has long protested that the 'road people' who inhabit its Wimpy Bar and Upper Crust cafes should have separate citizenship. 'We have so many nomadic customers,' said Simon Sez, the manager and president-to-be of the new country, Newfoundlane. 'Hauliers, salesmen, ladies of the night. Newfoundlane citizens eat only packaged pork pies and Quavers crisps. They sleep in Ibis hotel rooms and have forgotten where their homes are. They just want a citizenship that recognises this.'

Number 10 has yet to react, although insiders suggest military action has not been ruled out. Experts fear that a separatist movement near Slough might infect the towns along the motorway, causing terror training camps to be set up as far away as Ipswich. 'You can't be too careful,' said one terror analyst, who says he once knew someone whose mate worked in the anti-terrorism squad. Sez, who has barricaded himself into the station with 67 customers, has yet to formally announce his cabinet, although sources guess that Sarah Deans, on checkout 4, will be Chancellor.

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