How do you handle an email bully?

Psychology Today recommends handling a workplace passive-aggressor with the following three steps:

Know what you’re dealing with

Refuse to engage

Acknowledge the anger

We should add that this doesn’t mean you’re ignoring emails. Instead, you’re identifying a problem, keeping your cool, but acknowledging that it’s okay to feel upset, confused, or angry.

A couple of pro tips:

Content, not context

Follow the advice of Neil Lavender, and again, just don’t engage. In Lavender’s book “Toxic Coworkers,” he says it’s better to follow up with requests based on content instead of trying to analyze contextual clues.

For example, if someone asks for a report, an update, or something else, just send it along.

Before you respond—write a draft in a secured location

We’ll take this example from motivational speaker Drew Dudley. Basically, if you receive an email that makes you angry, write an unfiltered response in a Word document or your laptop’s notepad, it’s up to you. Just make sure these private feelings never touch any email windows.

Let it all out and save your draft in a folder—Dudley calls his folder “this could have happened.” Then take a minute to listen to some music or go for a walk.

Or, revisit this 2017 Twitter thread:

I’m also a fan of laying out all the facts of where they have me confused.

Then, come back and write your response—the professional, clear-headed version—and get on with the day.

Avoid emotional words like “I feel” or “I think.” Take out any instances where you use the word “you.” It sounds like you’re blaming the sender.

You’ll also want to consider the root of the behavior. Are there certain fears that motivate this person? Is their rudeness grounded in reality—I.e. are you meeting expectations and deadlines, or inadvertently leaving colleagues in a lurch?

Back to saving these drafts, though. Dudley has another good point: looking over those unsent missives later gives you some distance.

These secret docs serve as a reminder of the terrible choices not made—and highlight the fact that maybe, getting “too real” won’t provide long-term satisfaction.

Protect your sanity

Passive aggressive people are a fact of life. Whether its the friend who can’t help but stick a jab into every conversation or a housemate who leaves annoying notes around the house—these annoying interactions can suck the joy out of certain moments. But, in these cases, you can shut it down.

At work, making waves, of course, is unseemly. You risk getting called thin-skinned. Emotional. Or accused of misunderstanding. And while we mentioned in the above section that “taking the high road” is the best course of action, there are some exceptions to the rule.

Talk to the offender

But, it may be worth having an in-person conversation about how a colleague’s passive aggressive behavior is coming across.

We’ll first underline this point: do not get defensive or accuse the person of being passive-aggressive.

Instead, be direct, focus on the message your colleague is trying to get across and consider whether you’re contributing to the problem in one way or another.

Boundaries, baby

Control your behavior. If a coworker asks you to do something that you don’t have time for—say no and explain why.

If someone is sending you too many follow up emails, give them a specific time to expect an update. The flip side here, though, is, you’ll actually need to follow up at that time.

Don’t be afraid to speak up

Finally, passive-aggressive behavior should not be tolerated, due to the negative impact on business.

According to a piece in the Harvard Business Review, passive-aggressive emails (well, behavior in general) can stall decision making, risk management, and execution. Employees begin to doubt their judgment—make a wrong move and risk being called out on a group CC. This behavior erodes trust—and undermines collaboration.

Business leaders should aim to set expectations and reinforce them on a regular basis. Employees, too, need to be able to calmly and respectfully speak up.

No one deserves to be bullied and it’s everyone’s responsibility to be vigilant in the name of both basic decency and productivity.