Who is the girl named Kaisu?

About the author: I’m Kaisu Lempinen, a 31-year-old Finnish woman from Helsinki, capital of Finland. The last year of my studies (bachelor degree of social services) has just started.

I have stuttered as long as I can remember and it did cause me a lot of pain and shame when I was younger. As a teenager I didn’t know anyone else who stuttered and in the 90s there was no Google or Facebook to find other people who stutter. My biggest obstacle to find other people who stutter was the shame and the feeling I must be the only person in the world who stutters.

In 2005 I attended the ELSA Youth Meeting (European League of Stuttering Associations) in Netherlands at the age of 22, representing the Finnish stuttering association. For the first time in my life I met other young people who stutter. That week changed my life and it felt like a big shadow of shame disappeared and I started to see that I’m much more than just “a stutterer”. I found out that there is a Kaisu hiding somewhere behind the word “stutterer” and I started to become curious to find out who that person is behind all the shame and definitions given by others.

In the same time many things I thought I couldn’t do because of thinking “I’m not able to be 100% fluent”, suddenly changed to be the goals I wanted to achieve.

Now I’m doing the last year of my degree in social work.. Which means working with people. Working with people means communication. Me and communication means stuttering. My stuttering has never been a big issue when I have been in my practical training periods or at work. Some people haven’t even noticed that I stutter because I’m a very open and talkative person nowadays and don’t stutter as much as I did when I was younger.

During all these years I have been searching the girl named Kaisu inside me, I have stuttered less and less. I stutter more often when speaking English or Russian which are not my mother languages. Before the ELSA Youth Meeting in 2005 I thought I wouldn’t be able to study foreign languages because “I can’t even speak fluently in my own language”. After that week I realized that I can. It opened my world.

Traveling has been always my passion. I have mostly traveled alone and always been ready to leave home to visit a foreign country and get to know the local people. Thanks to my school who gave me a break to spend three months abroad. I chose Nepal and did my practical training period in Kathmandu from February 2014 – May 2014. To get a more intensive experience I stayed with a local family.

The experience was challenging in many ways. My non-fluency didn’t become a wall between me and the people I met, not bigger than in my home country. In fact the people I met were quite accepting. It was the most memorable experience I have had in my life and changed me in many levels. It gave me more self-confidence and gave me more answers to the question “who is the girl named Kaisu”.

Writing has always been my other passion. When I was a teenager and a silent, shy girl, writing was my only way to express myself. I have written a lot of poems mainly in my mother language, in Finnish. In Nepal I started suddenly to write more in English maybe because I used the language daily.

I want to share some of them with you so that you can see the process I have gone through with myself. My journey hasn’t been easy and I have faced a lot of difficulties in my life. My deepest wish is that people never identify themselves as “a stutterer” because we are much more than that. I took that role and it took years to change my mind-set and start to think myself as “person who stutters” instead “Kaisu, the stutterer”. The gap between these two is huge.

But who really is the girl named Kaisu? I don´t know. I am still figuring out myself as well. My journey is going to be continued.

-Kaisu 10.9.2014-

Here are the poems with short descriptions

Poem number one

This one I wrote during the first week in Nepal. In a situation I realized that I can’t understand the language, I’m depending on what people translate (also how they translate or even IF they are translating anything.) That was my start to explore the word “communication” more…and the fact that, even when you don’t have a common language, you can still communicate a lot, even more clearly than using words.

This was my start to the journey towards myself as well.

Sometimes you need to be left to alone with the people whose language you don’t understand that you can find who you really are sometimes the most important things are not in the words…

Because with the words it’s too easy to lie try to do the same with your eyes…

Poem number two

This one I wrote after having been back in Finland for two months, after the trip I made. I suddenly sat down and wrote this one straight from my heart when I realized that I got lost so many times, not only during this trip in Nepal. I realized that I always found something awesome after that. When I thought about all the shame people have given me because of my speech… because they couldn’t handle my stuttering. So was it my shame or someone else’s?

Sometimes you need to get lost
to find out who the hell you really are

I did it deeply, truly and madly … and not only once 🙂
To catch all the shadows cast on me by others

to realize I don’t have to stand in the shadows anymore

I don’t have to carry the shame which is not even mine I don’t have to raise the fear as my own child if it’s not even mine

I have been stubborn – and I still am 🙂 that’s why I needed to do it in the hard way

Stupid or not here I am now feeling proud of every fucking step I have taken in my journey from the cradle to this moment

every pain I felt every fear I faced every mistake I have made

I have needed to experience all of them

but it would have been easier but you know… I’m like this

a girl who doesn’t believe until I have the 100% feeling been there done that

-Kaisu 15.8.2014 in Helsinki, Finland

Poem number three

This one I wrote in Helsinki, Finland. Sometimes people have said to me that I’m hurting myself for nothing, being too open to show my wounds to others, always searching for places I can challenge myself. When will I stop doing that? When I have found all the answers to my question “who is the girl named Kaisu”. I’m still enjoying makingthe journey itself.

Personally I think that we all carry invisible wounds inside us. I’m nothing more than a human being but surely nothing less. Like every one of us.

Thinking deeply looking deeply feeling deeplySome people may think
I’m hurting myself for nothing
wasting my time
making my life too difficultwith this skinless soul
with this heart which
is open for life like an ocean with this way of living
always finding a place where
I can challenge myselfWhy don’t you take an easier path
they always askBelieve me
I have tried that already
Staying behind the walls
built by others
having easy solutions
not even my ownnot my way
almost killed me
slowly, safely but surely

Kaisu 27.8.2014 in Helsinki, Finland

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Comments

Who is the girl named Kaisu? — 70 Comments

Wonderful! I’m so happy for you for finding the Real Kaisu. Thanks for sharing, and for the encouragement you give.
I have a question: these days, do you find that your stuttering is different in different languages?

Thanks for your words. They make me smile.
About your question: When I´m speaking Finnish I barely don´t stutter at all nowadays. Only in situations when I don´t feel comfortable to be with, I´m stressed or being tired.

When speaking English I stutter more comparing my mother language but mostly I´m fluent. When I meet new people, I usually at first stutter more and after that less. If I have had a break from speaking English, I also stutter more at first. So it´s time to time. When have a feeling it is ok to stutter then usually stutter less. So enviroment has a huge impact to my speech.

When I´m speaking Russian I stutter the most because the language itself it so different comparing to Finnish or English. I´m not feeling confident with the language so that makes me stutter more. I had that also with English when was younger. When I didn´t feel confidence with the language I stuttered more.

Hope you got the answer. If have anything else to ask or comment please feel free to do it. 🙂

My name is Talitha and I am currently a student in a Post-Baccalaureate Communications Disorders program at Chapman University which is located in Orange, California. I am currently taking a Voice and Fluency course and really enjoy learning about this area of practice.

Thank you for sharing your story. I think it’s so awesome that you are finishing your degree in social work!

When you were a child, did you ever receive speech therapy to help with your stuttering or do you receive speech therapy now? If so, would you please share your experience with speech therapy?

I recieved speech therapy when I was a teenager. I asked it for myself because I really did sturggle with my speech daily. But it was a disapointment for me. I became a little bit more fluent but it just didn´t feel right and I quit it after one year. In that time I really felt that I really do have a disability and I couldn´t live with that though.

It just didn´t suit for me. For some people it suits well and I´m not against it but it didn´t work for me. After that I haven´t tried speechtherapy because it is not for my needs.

For me going to these stuttering meetings have been my key to overcome my stuttering. I still stutter time to time but I don´t think about it anymore. Means it´s not a problem.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I have had a similar experience in my own life and can relate to the joy of finding the “real me”. I’m currently in graduate school studying to be a speech language pathologist. While I was reading your story I was curious to know more about your experience at ELSA. Would you be willing to share more about that experience and why it has such a positive impact on your life? What did you do at this youth meeting that was beneficial for you?

The positive impact was that at age of 22 when I attended first time at Elsa YM in 2005 I had met only one young person who stuttered. I felt that I´m the only young person in the whole world who stutters. It caused me shame and a lot of pain.

At Elsa I realized that I´m not the only one. That was first time in my life when my speech wasn´t “the thing” because all others at ELSA stuttered as well. Somehow first time I was treated as Kaisu who stutters, not as stutterer. Because I´m much more than my stuttering.

They key in these meeting were the other people who shared the same shame, the same pain, the same daily struggles with communcation. Shared pain, shared shame became smaller and I think we all found that we are much more than our stuttering.

I can claim that miracles have happened to people at ELSA like it can be seen in this online conference. For me meeting PWS´s who are doing work with communication (teaching etc…) gave me encourage to start to follow my passions as well.

Once my Russian friend said to me that it´s so funny. When I speak Finnish, I don´t stutter at all and when speak Russian stutter much more.

I don´t know the real reason of this but the reason might be that speaking foreign language is something where I´m stepping out of my comfort zone and it´s not coming naturally. I have to think the grammatics, the words and pay attention to the pronouncination.

When I don´t feel confident while using the foreing language I start to stutter more. For me it goes that. Especially Russian language is hard to me and I don´t speak it very well. I noticed in my trans-siberian trip that at first I stuttered more when spoke Russian but then I became more fluent because I felt more confidence with the language.

Same has happened me every time with English. Nowadays I stutter much less in English because feel more comfortable to use it. And don´t pay so much attention of the moments when I stutter.

In Finland I have used quite much English at my summer – work and I feel ok with it and don´t try to avoid those situations – I want to be in those situation. And noticed that I stutter less and less all the time when using English. Or then I just don´t pay attention of those moments anymore because if someone stutters… so what? Is it so big issue after all?

I enjoyed reading your story and your poems! I am a graduate student studying Speech-Language Pathology in Stevens Point, Wisconsin, USA. I was especially intrigued by the part of your story about attending the ELSA meeting and how meeting other people who stutter really helped you start to accept yourself as more than “a stutterer”.

Do you think that connecting with other people who stutter through meetings or online support groups is a good way for people to begin to accept themselves? Is it easier now-a-days to connect with people who stutter since the invention of Google/Facebook?

Hi Katie,
It is definetly easier to connect with people nowadays than before. For example I contacted to our Finnish Stuttering Association first time by writing an old style letter! 😀 In 1998.

My reason to log in FB was all the PWS around the Europe (and nowadays around the World). I have a place where almost everybody can be found. But still… it´s not replace the moment we have shared in the real World. Without that it would not be so effective one.

So for your question is online-suport to good way for people to begin to accept themselves I think the real begin is when you meet other PWS face to face and then continue the conversation online. Meeting and hearing someone else in real life and share experiences face to face is something I really needed for a start.

So it´s easier to connect with people online than before and easier to maintain the network you have created. Over 50% of my friend on Facebook are PWS outside of Finland. So I have a quite wide network. Without google/Facebook it would be much harder to maintain it and keep all the relations so life than they are now. Very easy tool to organize meeting other people around the Europe. On Facebook I was asked to come to give a presentasion in Kathmandu to their local stuttering association. Very easy way. But when I was asked to do that we have me already in the World Congress for people who stutter. So the real connection was made in real life, not online.

I love to hear stories. The whole stories. Here in my paper there is not the complete story just a little or more to say tiny pieces of the whole puzzle called my life.

I am so happy to hear you’ve been able to follow your passions and yourself! I appreciate you sharing your poetry- I admire the honesty and emotion in them. As a future SLP, would you be willing to share more specifically why or what about speech therapy disappointed you? Also, can you identify a component of stuttering meetings that you find most helpful?

Hmmm… I try to find some words to your question. Little bit hard because this would be easiest to explane in my mother language. But I will give a try…

Speech therapy made me feel myself somehow disabled person who needs to changed to be accepted. And I didn´t like the therapist eather. It just gave me a feeling that there is something wrong in me which has to changed that I can be accepted. I became more fluent for a while but it just didn´t feel right. Just like I was doing against something the real myself. So I quit and for a while suttered a lot. But didn´t want to go back to the therapy.

Funniest thing is that nowadays I barely don´t stutter at all in my mother language and this state I have achieved without any therapy methods.

In Stuttering meeting the most helpful is to meet those ones who has overcame their stuttering. Now overcame doesn´t mean that they are fluent. Those ones who is doing what they want to do and they don´t even think that there is something wrong of them because they stutter or stuttering is even a problem. That they have accepted to their stuttering and don´t think anymore do they stutter or not. Meeting those ones gave and still give me encourage to accept myself who I am.

But still I want to say that I´m not against speech therapy. Have met so many people who has found help from therapy. But I didn´t find. It wasn´t ment to be my way. I found help from the other kind of things. From the other people who stuttered as well.

It’s inspiring to hear your story! I recently viewed a video of a young lady, a poet who stuttered. She recited her poem on stage and it was fantastic! With your poems, I wonder if you have ever considered reciting your poem to an audience or having them set to music? The heartfelt words might provide be a beautiful addition to the next conference you attend.

I haven´t read them to the audience. That will be my next step, I´m sure about that. One of my friend (PWS as well) once suggested to compose some music to my poems. Maybe some day.

Thank you for giving me this advice to read them for the next conference. I did´t feel confident enought about my English language that I could make a video. Maybe next year I will do it because got so good feedback. 🙂

Cammi
Thank you. In Finnish writing poetry is very different from English. I can´t translate them. These ones are written straight to English so they are not translated from Finnish language. 🙂 I like to play with the language and there are many words and expressions which are very hard to translate into English. So that´s why I´m writing different poems. Some are in English and some in Finnish but they are sepate ones. Some of my Finnish poems I have translated into English but found out that the soul of the poem disappeared.

Kaisu,
Thank you for sharing your story, it is very interesting hearing your personal experience with stuttering. As a child, did you or your family ever communicate about seeing a speech therapist? If so, did you attend therapy sessions and what were they like? If not, what strategies did you use to compensate for your disfluency?
Thanks again,
Michele and Rachel

Michele and Rachel
Thanks for your words. 🙂 My mom took me to the speech-therapist at age of 12. I didn´t want to go but she forced me to. That has also an impact to my bad experience of speech-therapy. My parents didn´t ever let me to do the things I wanted because I stuttered and they encourage me to find my own path. I have said to my mom that I didn´t like to go to the therapist because it made me feel myself disabled who needs help. I asked the speech-therapy myself at age of 14 and it came from my own will but unfortunately it was a bid disapointment like I wrote in my previous replies.

My stuttering was very severe when I was younger. I just needed to cope with. The big disapointment with the speech-therapy left me a feelin that I´m really alone in this world. Meeting other PWS helped me later on to overcame my stuttering and nowadays my speech is almost fluent in my own mother language but my stuttering can be seen if I speak foreing language.

If you have something else to ask please feel free to do it. 🙂 I´m here for your questions and try to answer all the things you asked.

Kaisu,
It sounds like you have had many great experiences. I like that you made a point that there wasn’t Facebook when you were growing up in order for you to connect with other people who stutter. Have you found that Facebook has connected you with other people who stutter? I think that would be a great way for my future clients to share their experiences and stories. It is great that you are able to use writing to discover yourself and overcome your fears.

FB has been a great tool to connect with other PWS. But for me it´s more like the tool with those ones I have already met in the stuttering conferences. I have been in 10 different stuttering meetings, conferences or the seminar abroad not to mention all those ones in Finland. So I have quite wide Network in Stuttering world.

Of course Facebook has given me a lot more encourage and hope when I was younger. Stuttering was a taboo for me. The saddest thing is that there was a young guy who lived just a couple house away and I didn´t know that he stuttered. We had different schools and friends so this issue never came up if we met shortly in the same neigborhood area. When we met a year ago and started to chat then we realized that we lived so closed but never found out that we both stuttered. I was so shy and isolated girl so it never came up when I was younger. Maybe in this case online-chatting for example could have been a way to speak about this. As a teenager I didn´t want to even hear the word “stuttering” because I really suffered in my everyday life because of it.

So Online can be the start and it can be the tool to take care of your personal Network. But it never replace the moments who really meet someone other who stutter in real life. Those moment are the most precious ones.

I will reply each of them. I just need some time to gather my thoughs in English. 🙂 So please be patience! Words will come until I found them. Means your questions are very good ones because they make me to think… <3

What an amazing person you are! When reading your story I was impressed by your strength and your desire to achieve your goals, no matter what. I have also gone back to school in my 30’s and am obtaining my graduate degree in Speech-Language Pathology, so I understand how hard it can be to go back to school. With that said, I applaud you for not only going back to school to get your degree but also for doing so given the challenges that you faced!
I do have a couple of questions. We are taught in therapy to promote good fluent communication which will in turn promotes self-confidence. Do you think that going to the ELSA Youth Conference increased your self-confidence, which allowed you to pursue your dreams? Can you offer any suggestions to promote confidence in my patients? Perhaps how you wish the speech therapist you saw would have worked with you?

Elsa YM has been the key to my self-confidence. Not only meeting other people who stutter but have an experience that my stuttering is not the issue anymore. You know it can be a real wall between me and the people and even the wall between me and the real myself if I take the role of “the stutterer” instead of a person who stutters like I wrote in my paper.

So the big thing is that for example in Elsa YM (and all the other meetings) my stuttering is not the wall between myself and the people. First time in my life people really did listen to me and didn´t pay attention how I spoke. And gave me an experience that I´m much more than a stutterer and there is nothing to be asshamed of the how do I speak. That eperience gave me so much self-confidence and also encourage to start look myself in totally new way.

Because when seeing a therapst I had a feeling that this person helps me to speak like “the fluent ones”. So it was totally concentraded to the speech itself. And that gave me a feeling that there is something wrong in me that this is not the accepted way to speak.

And if we thinking stuttering as a iceberg (like I saw at age of 15) the stuttering others heard it just the tip of it. Under it there are all the hidden feelings like fear, shame etc… What the therapy did to me when I was 15 was that it made me a little bit fluent for a while so the tip of the iceberg went under the water. But still all the anxiety, shame, fear that I start to stutter again remain. I carried a fear that my speech would be worse (as it did after leaving the therapy until I met other PWS and made other kind of joyrney with myself with these hidden things under the deep water).

And Kristin
I would have wanted to hear that the speech therapy is just a tool to help to control my speech (if I have a need to do that) but it´s not the solution to all the things which are related to stuttering. If I believe it is a solution then if I start to stutter more some day (because stuttering comes and goes) it doesn´t mean I´m a bad patient and doing something wrong. And there are so many invisilbe things others can´t be seen.

I try to explane to people that thing the situation you are going to give a public speech to others. You feel maybe exciment, anxiety, panic, fear etc… A person who stutters can have this feelings in every communication situation in his/her life. That every strager can cause the same feeling a fluen person is going throught in a situation he/she needs to give a public speech to the audience right now.

If have something else to ask plase free to do it.
Kaisu

Even nowadays there are some fears left which comes to my speech which can be seen little insecurity in some situations.

Again, thank you for sharing your experiences. I just want to send you a hug from the U.S. 🙂 You are such a strong woman and I am very impressed by you! I hate that you had such a bad experience with the speech therapist. In my studies, I am taught to pay attention and to help with the feelings of my clients. There is much more to a person then just what you see or even what you may hear. You have touched my heart and after reading your insight into your experiences, you have made me a better clinician.

Nice if you have found something benefical in my words. I´m sad that my experiences of speech-therapy are not so good ones but maybe the meaning behind that is when share these experiences to others someone else would become a better one and my experiences can be avoided. 🙂 Because we can learn all kind of experiences if we want to. If we want to change also the bad experiences must be heard. If just listening the good ones nothing change because it means everything is just fine. 😉

Thank you for being so open and sharing your story! I honestly loved your third poem; I am not a person who stutters but I am a person who carries many invisible wounds. Just as you were able to express yourself through writing, I did so through dance. Do you think that writing has also helped you heal from those wounds and shadows people cast down on you? Dance has definitely helped me to become more confident and break down the walls that I and others have built up around me. Dance has helped me to accept myself, has writing done the same for you?
I also wanted to ask you if your parents/family members were supportive of you or did they directly/indirectly cause you to feel more shame in your stutter?

Angelina
My family has never said me that I can´t do things because I stutter. They have let me to speak even in those times my stuttering was very severe one. So they have encouraged me not cause shame.

Inresting is that you find me to be “so open”. I have a feeling that I´m not so open in this. This is just a little peak to my whole joyrney I have gone throught with myself. I could have been much more open than I was now in my paper.

Writing has helped me to heal the wounds in me partly. But also the people who has accepted me totally in the way I´m and suported me in my life joyrney. There are people who stutter and people who don´t who have been very precious to me in this joyrney I called life. Sharing experieces and talking with people have helped me to spot the wounds and writing has been one of the tool to heal them.

Lovely to hear that you have found the dance to be your tool to overcome your personal wounds and find yourself behind them. Scars will be always there because we can´t change the history but if we let them to hurt our presence and have a feeling that theu are still bleeding then we really are stuck in those moments they were born.

If have something else to comment or ask please do it. That´s why I´m here.
Kaisu

Thank you for sharing your story. I’m glad your stutter didn’t hinder you from exploring and communicating with many different people. You said that the people in Nepal were “accepting” of you stutter. I wanted to know what kind of questions they asked you about your stuttering and what they traditionally believed stuttering to be? Also, did you meet anyone there who stuttered?

Well they did accepted me quite well. Of course. Where ever I go there are people who don´t accept your way of speaking. Which means they don´t understand it and because they are too afraid to be ask it is easy to react some other way like laught, imitate or giving advice to search help.

But that happens in every corner of the world not just in Nepal. I was prepared to face more discrimination than I did.

In Finland at age of 15 my German teacher didn´t let me to speak in her classes at all. She said it would be better that I don´t open my mouth because my stuttering “distubs” the other pupils. In reality the only one in the classroom who couldn´t handle my stuttering was the teacher herself.

In Nepal no one ever said in my intership Place that I´m not able to do things because of my stuttering.

The difficult was sometimes that it was hard to explane in English because all the people didn´t understand the word “stutter”. Most of people could speak English but the level wasn´t so good so sometimes I just hit my head to the language barrier and it was just easier even not try to explane it because fought with the language barrier in every day communication so didn´t have energy to find the proper words sometimes.
Now if I´m thinking I really should have explaned more or even try to do it. Well… next time. 😉

Same problem have faced in Russia once. my Russian wasn´t good enought to explane what does it means and what do I need.

I met a lot of people who stuttered in Nepal because I went to the local stuttering association meeting couple of times and gave a presentation to them as well about stuttering in Finland and our association. I don´t know about their traditionally beliefs of stuttering because never asked so that question I can´t give an answer. Would have been awesome to meet more Nepalese women who stutter because like you may know most of people who stutter are male, not female.

Thank you very much for sharing and telling us about the girl named Kaisu. I really like your poems and I can identify with your feeling of the invisible wounds inside. I think many of us have some kind of a wound. It comes down to what we do with it and your journey is inspiring. I am interested to know how did you become a representing of the Finnish stuttering association?

Lia,
Do you mean how did I end up to represent Finnish Stuttering association in this online-conference? Anita Blom from Sweden asked me to attend to this conference. I met Anita first time in Elsa YM in 2005 and we have been kept in touch since then. She has been a big role model to me what comes to overcome the shame of stuttering.

Thanks you for your words. Nice that I can give inspiration to others. That is very important thing for me to hear.

In this conference poems are related to stuttering. But they can be related to many other things as well. Because the shame behind the things is the same. Fear is the same. Anxiety is the same. The trigger to feel them can be different but all the feelings come from the same source. That is how I think.

Thank you for your beautiful story; you are an inspiration. I think it is horrible that people tell you that you are being too open and exposing your wounds. Often times, being open is the only way to come to terms with something and heal those wounds. I am currently a student in a Speech-Language Pathology graduate program. Your negative experience with speech therapy and how you felt about it is very enlightening and is a learning experience for me as a future speech therapist!

Thank for your words. I´m agree with you that being open is the only way to heal wounds. Thanks for those words. For me it took several years to attended something this public one but now had encourage enought to attend when I was asked. So now it was time. First really thought that what kind of feedback I´m going to have? Are people even reading this one? And have been so suprised of all these comments.

Thanks for that you have felt that my bad experiences have given something enlightment and learning experience. Then they haven´t been bad experiences for nothing if someone can learn from those.

I was little bit worried about of my English that can I find the right words to describe that people get me right but happy to see that I have been understood. 🙂

I loved reading your story and poems! It was wonderful watching you grow as person through your writing. I agree that opening up is a way of finding ourselves rather than hurting ourselves. You are a very strong and inspiring person!

I am working on my Master’s degree in Speech-Language Pathology and I have a couple of questions. Do you think you would have had a different perception of speech therapy if you had a therapist that was a better fit or better suited for you? Do you have any advice for future Speech-Language Pathologists?

Renee
I´m sure that if the therapist suited me better. In fact my first speech-therapist was a nice one had more holistic way to look stuttering. Unfortunately I just met her couple of times and then she changed and one year I met this one I didn´t like and it gave me a bad experience because there wasn´t a connection between us.

I think the most professional is also to talk about this personal issues that if the personalities dont´t match then the most professinal act is to talk about it and let a person to change to the other one if it´s just possible. It is impossible that my personality match with every person in this world. And it is complety ok.

I am a first-year, Communication Science and Disorders graduate student in North Carolina.

I’m very appreciative that you shared your story with us all. Poetry is wonderful way to express one’s true feelings. The rawness nature of poetry projects our deepest and most true feelings that we often cannot express in any other way. This is true for those who stutter as well as those who do not. Thank you for sharing these poems. Being a person who is studying Fluency Disorders at the moment, it is truly helpful to get some insight to the person within…

Early on in your post, you mentioned feeling that you must have been the only person in the world who stutters due to the inability to find others who stutter. I can imagine the anxiety and frustration of not having someone who you felt REALLY understands what it’s like to stutter to be there to talk to as a form of support. When you were 22 and attended the ELSA Youth Group, you finally were able to meet others that shared the same struggle as you. Were there people at the ELSA that had been seeking to find others who stuttered as well? Did you find people who remain close to you and that you are able to confide in when your faced with challenges? How did your experience of meeting other people who stutter affect your outlook on disfluency?

I can only give answer on my own behalf but I think that the reason to come at Elsa is that people wanted to meet other young PWS.

People at Elsa came very close. We are even talking about the Elsa family and have met a lot of them after meetings in many other stuttering conferences or separetly in some European countries.

The most intresting thing is that sometimes when meet other PWS I stutter more than usual The reason behind it can be that it doesn´t matter do I stutter or not. I usually saying to my friends that I´m going to attend to the stuttering conference to “stutter fluently” because there it is possible.

For “fluent ones” stuttering can be a very confusing thing and this confusness make me be aware in the situation because not sure how people would react. Because of shame wasn´t ready to explane what is going on so sometimes it made me even stutter more or not at all. But even when my speech is 100% fluent there is still some tension in the situation because stuttering is always there. Sometimes I stutter more, usually not at all but it is still there and can pop up suddenly. When no sure that the other person can face my stuttering it create an invisible tension in the situation.

When be with other people who stutter it is not an issue so I can stutter as much as I want and others can take it naturally because they stutter as well so it´sn not a big deal. Little by little have had the same feeling with the people who don´t stutter but I have needed to be surrounded with people who stutter to find the acceptance and self-confidence.

For me the first time when met other PWS around Europe was a confusing experience. As you may know every person has him/her unique way to stutter. Meeting a lot of PWS in the same time and hear all those different way to stutter was first very confusing and suddenly I didn´t pay so much attention on my stuttering anymore because all others stuttered as well. After this meeting I started to talk more openly of my stuttering as well.

Kaisu,
What a moving post! Being a future SLP it was so interesting to here a different perspective and to see a person overcome so much within them. Your poems were so real and thank you so much for opening up yourself and showing us all how stuttering has affected you. I hope that those who do come to me in the future never feel as if they have a disability, do you have any advice for those of us who will be working with PWS to make sure that they never feel this way? Thank you again for sharing your poems and giving us all a glimpse into your life, you are truly an amazing person!
-Lorin

Lorin
Is stuttering disability or not is an intresting question. On the other hand because it is recognized to a disability gives change to offer services like speech therapy and so on. So in officially meaning talking about disability gives a change to have services from the goverment or municipalities. So in some level talking about disability is understandable. That has given a change to have funding to Elsa yout meething and create to change to get fundings to stuttering associations. It has been seen that there is a group people and they are suffering to this kind of thing and they need to get different kind of suport to cope with it.

But do I want as a person to have a feeling that I´m somehow disabled because my speech is not always 100% fluent is the other question. A word disabled doesn´t have a positive message in it. I don´t feel so. It has caused me a lot of pain when I was younger because others didn´t accept it. Nowadays it´s not a problem. Or if it is it´s not mine problem if someone can´t handle my way of speaking.

Like I have written before I don´t need to be 100% fluent. I just need to be accepted. If I´m not accepted and stuttering is something bad which needs to be fixed that fluent people can be with me feels discrimination to me.

If my own personal need is that I can´t be with my stuttering and I want to do something with it then it´s good that there is speech-therapy available to that need. I think that if speech-therapist him/her self is thinking deep down in his/her mind that stuttering is something not acceptable they will pass this message to the client as well even if they don´t say it ever.

So my question would be that which reaction and feeling come up when you and others as a speech-therapist meet a PWS. The real feelings I mean. How do you feel about stuttering? What do you thing about stuttering? Can I accept that someone stutters or is it something which need to fixed totally? Can you see that a person is much more than just “stutterer? I don´t need to hear the answers of this but I hope every speech-therapist think these question with themselves because those thoughs are the ones which create the atmosphere when they meet their clients. And also pass the feeling is someone feeling her/himself “disabled stutterer” or a person who stutter but so what? That create the base the whole situation.

Thanks for your response and offering such great questions for me to ponder! I believe your line about how it is not your problem if someone cant handle your way of speaking truly made me realize that we need to accept everyone for who they are and not try and change them if that is not what they want. Thanks again for such moving words

Lorin
You are welcome. I´m happy that you are open to get my words. Because of my bad experience of speech-therapy for me it was hard to even talk with people who were speech-therapist because I always was afraid of that they just want to fix me and make me fluent, not accept me. This conference has given me a new perspective to speech-therapist as well. 🙂

I am a first year graduate student at the University of Wisconsin Stevens Point studying Speech-Language Pathology. I was moved by your openness in your paper and want to thank you for sharing such person information! I am so happy you have overcome such an obstacle in your life and that you finally answered the question of “Who is the girl Kaisu”.

I was wondering if you might have any suggestions to me as a future speech-language pathologist on how best to help someone that stutters? I read in a previous comment that you had therapy as a child but it did not work for you and I am curious why? What could that speech therapist have done differently to help you?

Again, I am so happy that you have reached such a wonderful point in your life and that you are finding you stutter a little less 🙂 I wish you the best of luck in all your future endeavors!

Stephanie
Some of your questions you can find answers in my previous comments about my experiences of speech-therapist. If they are not enought for you then please feel free to ask some more.

It can be that every speech therapist cannot help everyone because the personalities have to match that something can happen. If they don´t it just doesn´t work out. And it is not a sign that person can´t do his/her work. It is just a sign that personalities didn´t match and he/she need some other kind of person. Or that the speech therapy is not just the thing this person needs. But if a person wants to have speech-therapy and don´t feel ok with it then it´s maybe best to ask about it. If it doen´t work out it´s better to quit it. We all are individuals and people have good experinences of speech therapy as well. Unfortunately I don´t have so many.

If speech-therapy would be a solution of stuttering then it would work out for everyone. The fact is that some people find it benefical some don´t. Because we are individuals and it is good that there is speech-therapy but all people who stutter don´t need it. So I think the most important thing is to concentrade to those ones who wants to get speech-therapy. And make sure they don´t have a bad experiences just because they get the same feeling I did. I still remember when I said to the speech-therapist that I would like to quit this one. She didn´t like at all and gave me a feeling that I´m doing the worst choice in my life. Not very professional.

First of all, I would like to tell you that your name is beautiful. Secondly, I have a deep appreciation for poetry and have been a fan for a long-time. I too often found myself buried deep in paper to express some of my deepest thoughts and feelings. I think a lot of folks can agree when they say the early twenties is often a time of self-reflection and realization. The time in our lives when we are starting to go out on our own and we can find our place in the world. Though most would be intimidated to go off to represent an entire country, I think empowerment comes from knowing you are not alone, because none of us really are ever alone, we often may just not know where to look. I think it is great that you have found the confidence in yourself which encourages you to challenge your perception of you. I am a first year graduate student studying to become a speech-language pathologist. The process of communication and understanding communication has always intrigued me, but more importantly I enjoy watching people becoming confident masters of their own communication. So apart from traveling and meeting others who stutter, what factors do you think have played a part in your journey? What would you say to someone who is presently thinking of themselves as a “stutterer” instead of a person who stutters? Do you have some techniques you like to use when you start to feel frustrated? Is there something you think it imperative for all speech-language pathologists should understand about people who stutter on a more personal level? And if you do not mind me asking, what do you think your next steps in your journey will take you?

Hi Jennifer
Thank you for a compliment that I have a beautiful name. I have heard so many times that it sounds so Japanese but it´s a Finnish female name and comes from the name Katherine.

My family, my friends and even the people who have hurted me in my life have played a big part of my joyrney. For example the teacher who didn´t let me speak taught me after years when this happened that whose problem is stuttering? She couldn´t handle it? So why I feel shame of my speech she should feel the shame instead.

If no one ever pay attention of my stuttering have I ever thought it is something to be asshamed of or be aware off? This is a question everyone should thing in their own minds…

I think it can be hard to even recognize does someone see him/herself as a person who stutter or a stutterer. I realized this couple of years ago when started to thing that I have right to stutter. But it took years to realize it. When I was 13 I didnt want to talk about my stuttering because it felt so much shame. For me attending to stuttering conferences and talk about this issue with other PWS has opened me to thing of this issue.

My joyrney from a stutterer to a person who stutter wasn´t an easy and simple one. Mine was long and tough one. Hope others are easier or they don´t have to do that at all. For me meeting other people who stutter was a start to change my mind-set. It took years because shame is hard to kick out if you have let it moved in. But that was my start. To meet people who stutter and they don´t give a shit that they stutter. Meeting those people was my turning point in my life.

When i feel frustraded I try to find the source of the frustration. For me it´s a sigh that something need to changed. So it´s not a bad feeling. It´s bell and I think it´s very important to hear when this bell rings not to act like the bell is not exist.

About what speech-language pathologist should understand about stuttering I think you can find in my previous replies. If those answers are not enouhgt then feel free to ask more detailed answer and I try to reply. 🙂

Next step? Don´t know yet. Now doing my last intership and thesis to a mental healt Project and love the Project and the inspiration it gives me. I don´t know but have a feeling something great and good are just on the way and wait to be found. My world is now open and I let the World show what the next step will be. Thanks for this inspirating question. 🙂

Hello Kaisu! Thanks for sharing your story! I am a Graduate Student at Kean University and currently taking a course about stuttering. My question is about your future work – how are you preparing yourself to work as a Social Worker – I mean, will you explain your clients about your stuttering if they ask you? Or will you use all available strategies that you know to speak fluently so they will not notice?
Thank you!

I have met a lot PWS who work as teachers, social workers, polices, in radio, nurses,in shops and even speech-therapist. I have thought about my stuttering but my several interships and summer work experience has already shown to me that being concern about that is not needed because most of people (and not talking only about the “clients”) are taking stuttering naturally. If I´m ok with it other people usually are as well. So it´s not so big issue you maybe think it can be.

Of course it depents how much a person stutters. I don´t stutter much nowadays and my stuttering is “fluent” means no long blocks for example. If I stutter more than I nowadays do then it would be a bigger issue if I´m not ok with myself. But I know people who stutter much more than me and they are having communication work. So the key is to be open about it not hide it. And realize is not maybe that big problem people assume it can be.

Usually those people who are concern about the PWS who wants to work with people are the ones who should pay attention to their own attitudes most. Why they are concern? Have they even thougt that the other people can take PWS more naturally that the person who is concern about the issue him/herself?

Like my German teacher at school who passed me a message that I´m not able to study languages because I stutter. She was concern of my stuttering and didn´t let me to speak and in fact she was the one who really had the problem with it not me. Sad thing is that because I was young so I took that like there is something wrong with me. I realized years after that there wasn´t. The teacher was the one who had the problem not me.

If you mean stategies to maintain fluent from speech-therapy I can´t use them because I don´t know any of those. 😀

I think most of my questions have been answered in the previous comments but I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story! It is very powerful to hear about where you came from and what how your experiences have shaped you.

I am a graduate student studying to become a speech therapist and we often talk about different theories, explanations, definitions, and treatment approaches to stuttering. What I especially love about your article are your poems. They touch on something that is much deeper than what many of us talk about in connection with stuttering. The complex feelings and effects of negative and positive experiences in life cannot always be defined in textbooks but can expressed in art. To me, that is very powerful. In poem 2 you share, “To catch all the shadows cast on me by others to realize I don’t have to stand in the shadows anymore.” It is when I read this that I realize more clearly that stuttering is more than just a disorder of “disfluency.”

Thank you for sharing your beautiful words with all of us. Something that you wrote really struck a cord with me and I have been thinking about it for several days. ” I’m nothing more than a human being but surely nothing less.” I think it is easy for all of us to focus on one aspect of this equation, but it is so important to remember both parts. Your journey so far and the lessons you have gained while searching for “Kaisu” are bits of wisdom that everyone can benefit from regardless of the level of their fluency. Thank you so much for inspiring us and for the reminder of how valuable we all are. I highly encourage you to continue sharing your story and art!

Megan
Thanks for encourage you gave by words. I wrote those words that I´m nothing more than a human being but nothing less because sometimes people would like to give a role “a special person”. I´m special because I´m “so brave” or something else.

I´m not. There is nothing special in me. Nothing more special than any others. But I´m surely nothing less because I sometimes need 5 – 15 seconds more time for speaking.

There is nothing special in my stuttering. I hope people could get that. That is nothing special, nothing strange. I just need 5 – 15 seconds more time to say the words sometimes. That is not much I´m asking for. Or do I?

In fact these poems are not only related to stuttering. They can be related to many kind of issues of being a human being. In this context they are tight to word stuttering because this is a stuttering conference. When I wrote them I didn´t think stuttering at all, I thought my whole life and all things I have gone throught and experiences in my life, not just my joyrney as PWS.

When I was asked to participate this conference I first thought that do I have poems which can be related to stuttering and then realized that these ones are so choose these. And did a good choice because have had this encouraging feedback and hopefully made people to think a little bit deeper this issue.

This was first time I came out with my poetry and English text and first felt a lot of insecurity especially because I used the language which is not my mother one. I though a lot would people understand me, would they get my words, would they get anything from these words, would they understand me or would I hit my head to the language barrier like happened in Nepal very often, and I´m not sure how people understand me or do they understand at all. And I have been understood better than I expected. I didn´t expect anything for this and was amazed (and still am) all this feedback have got.

Thank you for sharing your story! Also thank you sharing your experience with speech therapy in the comments section. I am studying to be a speech-language pathologist and learning how individual each person’s experience can be when related to stuttering. It seems to me that through traveling and learning new languages you were able to gain control and even increase your fluency in your mother language. Your poetry is lovely, I feel grateful that you shared it.

Dolores
Thank for your words. :)For me the biggest thing was to meet the other PWS who have came over the shame of stuttering. It helped to accept myself and encourage to do the things I want to not to avoid them because I thought I can´t because I can´t be 100% fluent.

Thank you for sharing your story through poetry. Even though I don’t stutter, I identify with your powerful statements of “getting lost” to find yourself and the importance of challenging yourself to push boundaries. People like you who strive to surpass life challenges are an inspiration. Thank you for being open, for being vulnerable, for being so real and transparent.

Sara
Thank you for your moving words. Like I wrote before these poems are not only related to stuttering they are related to be a human being. And for me it is more than important that also the people who are not PWS can find themselves in them.

I have got lost many times. I have gone lost in stuttering as well. But also many other things.

Thank you for sharing your story! I am currently in graduate school studying to become a speech pathologist and am in a course on stuttering. In class we have talked about the perception of “stutterer” and ” a person who stutters”. One day we had a guest speaker who came in and when asked if he could ever get rid of his stutter he said no, its a part of him and makes him special. I was wondering if you would do the same? I know you said that you don’t believe that people should ever identify themselves as “a stutterer” because stutterer’s are more than their stutter and that you had a change in mind-set and started to think of yourself as a “person who stutters” instead “Kaisu, the stutterer”, however I am curious if you still believe that your stutter is apart of you?

I´m attending a stuttering conference as a person who stutter so I think that gives you answer yout question. If I don´t see stuttering is apart of my personality I wouldn´t have attented to this one… 😉

I have been thinking several times that would have happened if no one has never pay any attention to my stuttering. That it would have never been anything special people would have never pay any attention? Just let me to stutter and didn´t care? Then would have I ever have gone through this painful trip at all? If I just have been accepted from the beginning and got no any attention when I stuttered? That is a good question. If all the people I met could take it naturally have I ever started to think there is something wrong in me? That is just a question and I don´t know the answer.

I wear glasses as well. Everyone can see that I wear glasses. But people don´t pay any attention that I wear glasses. They don´t come to me to ask that why do I have glasses or give me any comments of them . They don´t come to say to me that I should wear contact lenses that I can look “normal”. Or that I need to go to surgery to get rid of classes.

I would like that people can pay the same attention to my stuttering that they pay to my glasses. That I called acceptance.

Thank you so much for sharing Kaisu! I was so moved by the line in your poem talking about how the shame and fear were not of your own. It seems across all societies of the world, this fear and shame of stuttering is placed on children and grows as they grow. I am new to the world of stuttering, just taking my first fluency class in college, and the terrible stigma that can accompany stuttering is something that surprised and saddened me. Your poem explained it wonderfully, and added a new aspect that i had not considered; we facilitate these emotions, the ugly side of our society. It teaches to fear and to shame who you are, when who you are is beautiful. I think increasing the awareness will hopefully one day lead to acceptance, but until then, thank you for sharing your story and being an encouragement and inspiration to us all.
-Erika

Wonderful if you could find this aspect in these poems and it has gave something new aspect to you to think. <3 That means my message has been understood. Your words give me inspiration to continue sharing my story.
Kaisu

You have such an amazing perspective and are sure to be an inspiration for any other person who stutters. Your poems are great, by the way. Self-expression is important for any person, but I imagine that for someone who experiences difficulties expressing themselves daily, having a creative outlet like yours is a necessity. I am so glad that you are experiencing success on your journey to acceptance. I strongly believe that having a fluency disorder should not discourage someone from communicating, and I am glad that you have not let it keep you from doing what you want to do – such as pursue a career in social work where communication is key. Your perspective can only help to improve the public’s awareness and understanding of stuttering, and I hope that you do continue to experience success.

I thought it was interesting that you mentioned that you did not initially have social media (Facebook, etc.) to find support from other people who stutter. I had never really considered that as a new available outlet before. Have you pursued these forums now that they are more widespread and accessible, or do you know anyone who has? I am curious to know if they have helped to reduce the negative perception of stuttering that young people who stutter often have – especially at the age where bullying is prominent?

Thanks again for your unique perspective and glimpse into your self-expression. As a graduate student in speech-language pathology in the United States, I always find first-hand experiences related to stuttering necessary for a stronger understanding of the disorder.

One reason that Facebook doesn´t have so big role in my life is that I have met other PWS before Facebook and been in many stuttering conferences so I haven´t had need to connect to other PWS on FB because I have met PWS already.

I use Facebook but it is more among them I have met in a real life. I started to share my poems in a group for people who have been in Elsa youth meeting and found there encouragement to share them more.

But if thinking the situation I was 15 and alone and if Facebook could have been exist the situation would have been totally different and these groups on Facebook for example can have a totally different meaning. But the suport for my stuttering has came more face to face conversation than online. But the biggest reason to this is that in my youth there wasn´t Facebook or google. If I haven´t met anyone else who stutters before then social media could have a totally different meaning. now it is just a tool to keep in touch with those ones I know already.

So your question maybe should more asked to those ones who are younger than me.

I want to thank you all for your comments. Ýour question have been exellent and I like the level we had the conversation. Your questiones made me to think a lot of things and I have learned many things from you. We all are human beings – stutter we or not.

I really do hope my paper has raised awarness of stuttering, has given a new perspective to it and has helped you to become a better speech-therapist that my bad experience of it can be avoided. That no one doesn´t need to have a feeling that they are “disabled stutterers” who doesn´t have right to pursue their dreams or even have certain dreams because they stutter. That they are not capable to do the things they want just because the enviroment doesn´t accept it.

My joyrney will be continued. I wrote this yesterday evening

Feel the pain
feel the beauty
feel the joyrney on my skin
and in my soul
and under my feet

everything in the same time

I´m coming back to that
who I was
before the wiser came
and drop me off on my tracks
Now doing a joyrney to coming
back to that I was

Now standing here
with the enourmous pain
and the beuaty how
good it feels to
be
just me