I found another, cheaper, therpist. She sounded nice, and really, mercy and support are all i really expect any more from therapy. I think i'm growing past this, but i have to do a lot of things still.

For one, i have to find a support group! Its friggen hard, i dont know where to look. i guess i should just keep calling rape centers and crisis hotlines until i find something. I tried the web, but i havnt been able to find anything. ive got all day tommorow, so i will give it a shot.

Second, ive gotta figure out what to do about my family. I dont know where to start. I have a few ideas, but i really dont want to have to go this alone. I need support, i need sombody to tell me im not crazy after everybody starts pretending and defending about whats happened. And i mean face to face, like somebody who will be right there if i fall flat on my ass trying to call somebody up. Ive told my uncle my mother is addicted to herion, i told my grandma that i am not going to pretend like everything is alright, but i havent told anyone in my family about it. I told my best friend, and he has betrayed me. If that seems like to melodramtic a word, so be it, you werent there. If he has the strength to stand alone then he can come back and ask my forgivness, but i wont assiate with someone who coddles to pedophiles, no matter what happened to him. So, as is, my second biggest problem is im alone in all this.

My last problem is about my memory. When i went under in hypnosis, i said i had started getting abused when i was three by my mother. When he asked me to talk about it i said it was too bad, that i didnt want to talk about it. He pushed a little harder, and i tried, but all i could remember was something about water, being cold, and choking on something. I said i remembered a dog, and it licked my face, and i liked the dog. Strange to say the least.

Im going to have a bitch of a time with my life if i cant remember, but im starting to realise the less i focus on it, the more things seem to flow. It is still hard at night because im terrified to sleep. Trying to be good to myself, giving myself support and encouragment, this actually clears the fog in my mind better than getting wrapped up in having to remember, getting frutrated and angry that it wont come. Its just like the rest of my life, i have to bargain for my freedom one chip at a time, reconstruct a life from what ive been given brick by carefull brick, until that final moment where i lay it on the line. I seen that final step shatter my dreams so many times i am amazed i am not just a walking husk, but the few times it paid off, the breif inkling of joy and inspiration of life filled me with such joy and rapture that i have been caught forever in its web of love and beauty. To me, life has always been like a dream, something like an intangible force that i am hopelessely, madly in love with. Thats why it hurts so bad.

well, there is my inspirational quote of the day. Take care of yourselves. Love to each of you, from me. (damn thats hard to say)

finding a group,,, dude, start looking for SIA, Survivers of Incest Anonymous, its a 12 step group, cost is a buck a meeting, if you can afford it, and it is self help, i have had really good luck with them though. They ususally meet once a week and trust me on this one, if you find one just go for six meetings and then decide if you want to continue or not, they do work and they are supportive usually.

As far as the hypno stuff not working,, what are you talking about? If your expecting everything to come back all at once, well, i have never heard of that happening anywhere except in a movie.

I always think of it as a big jig saw puzzle,, with bits and pieces here and there and its hard to find the piece that fits with the funny shaped ones so you can make sense of them,, you just keep playing with it and slowly the pieces start to fall together and eventually the picture becomes more clear, hang in there and dont be giving up so easy, ok?

Your doing really good, honest,, you just barely got out of there and your just now getting your feet on the ground, try and remeber that it took 20 years to get things the way they are and it will probably take more than just a few visits to unwind it all, ok?

hugs to you,,

Love,

John

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

i guess i was expecting something. Its just ingrained so damn deep in my mind, it is hard to tell whats going on behind the scenes. I dont know exactely what to do, if anything, about it consciencly, i just get so sick of seeing all this time slip away and being so depressed all the time. I want to get better

I am sick of having no social life. Yes damn it, i want to have and enjoy sex, just like the rest of the worlds 21 year males are. But people always react to me strangely, like i am really different from them. Sometimes people treat me like im an eccentric genious, instead of a normal person. I hate being called a genious, its infuriating, because i honestly wouldnt rate myself that way. I just think differently than most people, but not that differently. I sometimes wonder how intelligent i really am, because even though its my one redeeming value (that i can acknowledge) i sometimes am obsessed about not being able to smart when i want to be. Its like being afraid of failure with your own mind. Whenever i try to impress people or show off i always look stupid. I try not to look down on people but i just feel so alienated, i cant help but feel a little aloof and distant at times.

Is it really so much to ask that i have someone to hold me when i feel down, to touch me when i feel alone? Is it too much to ask for a couple of friends who like me for who i am, who will be there for me when i'm in pain?

Its like i never get a day off. I can almost never find the energy to do anything. I just sit around all day, locked in my room. I eat like a rat, and nobody calls. I sleep all day, sometimes until the afternoon, i just dont have any energy even try. And when i do it is so hard, i want to give up the first time i dont succeed. Thats why i liked seeing an energetic therapist, id come out with a little more drive than i had when i came in. But it never lasts. It just feels so damn frustrating . I am a good person, i want to do things, i want to succeed. I have talent and drive but I just cant bring myself to even move sometimes. Somtimes i feel like im just active enough to keep myself from dying. But that isnt enough. I need to sleep, i hope i can find some energy soon. Thanks for listening.

Let me tell you about an argument i used had ongoing with a therapist i used to have, it went on for months and months....

my position was that i would start being proactive when i felt better, i would start being social when i felt like i was *worthy* of it, it was all summed up in the line, *i will start loving myself when i am loveable*

his position was that i *should* pretend i was loveable and pretend i was worthy of being taken care of and to take care of myself first and then after a while i would be loveable and i would feel loveable, we argued the point endlessly it seemed.

At some point i just finally gave in and decided to try out this heretic thinking of his just to prove him wrong, iamgine my suprise when i started to feel better and have more energy and actually started to feel alive and even have a more optomistic outlook on things, it didnt have any huge immediate impact, but over time i saw some good changes.

The rules i live by now are these, i try really hard to eat at least one good meal a day, every weekend i go out and do something social, i make myself get up in the morning no matter what, i found out getting up early makes it a lot easier to go to sleep at a decent hour, i exersize three days a week, i compliment myself on any successes i have and i keep my house clean and do my laundry before i am out of clothes, all pretty simple stuff for the most part, hmmm, some days it is still really hard to do though, and thats when i force myself.

Its like taking care of me is a job that no one, including me wants to have, but somebodies got to do it, so it falls to me.

I guess the deal is that you just start doing stuff and promise yoruself you will keep it up for six weeks and realize it is about progress not perfection and give it a whirl and see how you do. Always looking out for places you can congratulate yourself for things, places to compliment yourself. Be nice to yourself, your the only you you got.

John

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

honestly, i feel like i would if i could, but there are times where i literally cant get off the floor. I'll try to open my eyes in the morning, and cant even keep them open, then i try to sit up, but cant get that far.

Its hard, because i really DO try damn it, its just sometimes so bad that i know if i push myself any harder i'll breakdown and cry, because sometimes i do. It will be like that for weeks at a time, then after a while for no good reason i find i have just enough strength to do something i dont have to. Then i will slowly start feeling better, but i always feel like my depression is hounding me, like i cant get rid of it or deal with it or even ride through it while keeping a normal life. Its like wolves on my heels. Its not fucking fair! I feel like i have to scream at god just to get dressed in the morning, and i see everybody else in the world, and it just makes me want to wish they were all dead, because i have to fight so damn hard for just a peice of what they have. Sometimes i cant believe i managed to even get up, i go through the day wanting to throw a fit, i just want to run around breaking things and curl up into a damn ball. There is no mercy from my own mind, it doesnt matter what i say or do its always pushing me. No matter how kind i try to be to myself its like i feel like im destined to fail, like i am just one of those people who gets pissed on and there is nothing i can do to change it. Why is my mind like that? Its like im wired to self destruct.

I try so damn HARD. I push and push and push and dont know how to stop. I always feel like im one step behind no matter what i do. I don't have ANYBODY. When i dont know how to love myself my life is completely empty. I am scared i will end up homeless, that i will die and nobody will care.

Oh man, i feel bad, i shouldent be posting right now. the ffucking chat room wont let me in. I am tired and frustratdm ill come back later when i feel better.

BrokenI hope you are feeling better! I know what it feels like to be "locked up" in depression. Even the little things seem overwhelming. I am glad you have this place to come and let some of those feelings out. Please continue to write and check in here. You are not completely alone because there are hundreds of us at this web-site that understand you and want to walk with you on this journey of healing. Please hang in there and know that you are not alone, we may not be there face to face but we are here for you to lean on when you need it.Ron

I
agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and
chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole
discretion of MaleSurvivor. I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor
resources are AT-WILL,
and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for
any reason by MaleSurvivor.