FREMONT, NE—Noting the constant stream of questions and blatant suggestions directed solely at his sibling, area man Josh Koppel, 32, reported Friday that his mother was much more insistent about getting grandkids from his brother than from him.

BOZEMAN, MT—Assuring reporters they could maintain the man’s elevated levels of stress and get his mind racing uncontrollably, three cups of coffee stated Thursday morning they were confident they could take local resident Ryan Hubbard’s anxiety from here.

‘I Can Mail It To You If You’re Still Using It,’ Says Mom

RACINE, WI—Concerned that you might be upset if she were to get rid of it without permission, your mother reportedly called Wednesday to ask if she could throw away your three-ring binder from middle school.

SEATTLE—Fearing the process was rapidly accelerating to the point at which it could no longer be contained, area man Brian Talbott reportedly looked on helplessly Tuesday as variants of his nickname evolved and multiplied at breakneck speed.

SAN DIEGO—Carefully examining the bill for any fragment of conclusive evidence, a local dinner party at Mitch’s Seafood restaurant conducted a full-scale investigation Tuesday night to determine if the tip was included in the check.

ARDMORE, PA—Expressing frustration at how she continues to remain silent and passively go along with whatever they say, the parents of Olivia Edison, 10, told reporters Wednesday they wish their weak-willed daughter would push back even just a little against the violin lessons they make her take.

SCITUATE, RI—Finding no one waiting to greet him upon entering the restaurant Monday afternoon, local man Adam Peretti reportedly planned to continue slowly drifting toward the middle of Sidney’s Bistro until a host redirected him to a seat.

BENTONVILLE, AR—Telling reporters they were having difficulty keeping track of all the new pastimes he was pursuing, friends of local man Mark Chapineau stated Tuesday that the recent divorcé was burning through hobbies at an unsustainable rate.

WILMINGTON, NC—Aggressively exploiting the short windows of time she spent with the high school junior, local mom Ally Brullard has been really gunning to befriend her babysitter during their weekly three-minute interactions, family sources reported this past Saturday.

NEW ORLEANS—Jolting awake in a panicked daze, local man Bill Rolinger reportedly breathed a sigh of relief early Monday morning after realizing that the nightmare he had just experienced was only a reflection of his real-life problems.

SEATTLE—Saying the small act of defiance helped to brighten her otherwise dejected mood these days, local woman Becca Curran told reporters Friday that stealing tampons from her office’s bathroom was currently her only source of joy.

PHILADELPHIA—Calling himself a “staunch supporter” of issues ranging from equal pay to reproductive rights, area man Brian MacKinnon told reporters Monday he considers himself an ally to women unless they threaten his personal status in any way whatsoever.

DES PLAINES, IL—Assuring him that she’d be at his side in a jiffy, local nurse Wendy Kaufman reminded an elderly resident at the Briarwood Assisted Living Community that she was just down the hall if he started to die, sources reported Tuesday.

COLUMBUS, OH—Emphasizing that such an impressive feat should not be taken for granted, local man Nathan Montgomery told reporters Wednesday he was incredibly grateful to live in a society where a mattress just disappears if it’s left outside on the sidewalk for a couple days.

NEW HAVEN, CT—Saying they were proud to showcase the work done by their writers, executives at the New Haven Register told reporters Thursday they sometimes like to set aside a little ad space to promote the newspaper’s own articles.

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

AUSTIN, TX—Anxiously wondering what kind of impression he was leaving on university admissions officials, wealthy father Gordon Fring was said to be waiting restlessly for responses this week after mailing donations to his son’s top college choices.

CALABASAS, CA—Astounded that it had never come up at any point in the six years they had known each other, local woman Lucy Reed, 25, reported Tuesday that her friend Nicole Silberthau had apparently been going by her middle name this whole fucking time.

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

MISSOULA, MT—Describing how he suddenly found himself overwhelmed by a flood of intense emotions, local man Mike Bentzen told reporters Monday the reality of fatherhood didn’t truly set in for him until the moment he held his newborn son’s hospital bill.

BROOKLINE, MA—Without so much as glancing at the seasonal store’s wide selection of other Halloween-themed merchandise, all-business 34-year-old Brian Aubin reportedly strode right past several aisles of costumes and accessories Friday and beelined it straight for the Pinhead masks.

End Of Section

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Ex-Girlfriend To Arrive At 5:15 To Pick Up End Table

TUCSON, AZ–Jodi Hennings, 24, ex-girlfriend of area resident Rich Zeger, 25, announced Tuesday that she will arrive at 5:15 p.m. Thursday to pick up an end table from the apartment the two had shared until eight days ago.

Rich Zeger and Jodi Hennings in happier times during a 1997 vacation in Carmel, CA. Hennings is dropping by Thursday to pick up an end table (right) from the apartment the two had shared.

"I'm coming straight from work, so please be there," Hennings told Zeger during the 40-second telephone call she made from her new apartment, the location of which is unknown to Zeger. "Dave and I have tickets to a show, and I don't want to be late, so make sure to be around, okay?"

The 3' x 6' varnished-oak-veneer end table, which Hennings said should easily fit into the GMC Jimmy of her new boyfriend, Dave Klapisch, was purchased by the former couple at a yard sale in July 1996. Also acquired at the sale were a Rubbermaid juice pitcher and a tape dispenser, custody of which is currently in doubt.

"We both paid half for the end table," said Zeger, sitting on the floor of the apartment he and Hennings shared for nearly three years. "But I'm pretty sure Jodi was the one who picked it out, so I guess it counts as hers."

In order to be home at 5:15 p.m. for the end-table pick-up, Zeger, a clerk at Insty-Prints copy shop, will have to leave work early, resulting in a stern reprimand from his supervisor.

The end table.

"I'm totally gonna get reamed by [store manager] Peter [Goertz] for leaving early. The worst part is, Jodi acted like she didn't even know I'd be working then, even though I've had that same shift for the past year and a half," Zeger said. "But she said Dave and her were going out of town on a three-day weekend, so the only day they could pick up the table was Thursday."

Other items claimed by Hennings in the breakup include the microwave, all the dishes and silverware with the exception of a mug reading, "Rich's Coffee," the futon, the answering machine, a "shower caddy," and a halogen lamp.

Hennings also took the former couple's two cats, Percy, who originally belonged to her, and Michelangelo, who had belonged to Zeger.

"Jodi read somewhere that it's bad to split up cats that have been living together for awhile, so she took both of them," Zeger said. "I'll really miss Michelangelo, though. I've had him since he was a kitten."

Thursday's end-table pick-up will be Hennings' third trip to the apartment since the couple's Aug. 18 split.

"The first time she came by, I thought she maybe wanted to talk about getting back together," Zeger said. "But it turned out she just wanted the bath mat."

During both prior visits, Hennings was accompanied by Klapisch, which made Zeger uncomfortable.

"Seeing Dave help her carry her stuff out was really weird, because I already sort of knew the guy. For the past few months, he and Jodi were taking this Tae Kwon Do class together, and I was always taking phone messages from him," Zeger said. "Then I met him face-to-face when he picked her up to go rock-climbing one weekend."

"That was like a week before Jodi said it just wasn't working out between us anymore," Zeger said. "She said we'd both been ignoring the obvious problems in our relationship."

Beyond the loss of household possessions, the breakup has inflicted a heavy financial toll on Zeger. Until he can find a roommate, he must pay the apartment's $600 monthly rent by himself, in addition to the entire security deposit, half of which has been returned to Hennings.

"It really sucks, man, but what can you do?" said Zeger, who is supplementing his Insty-Prints income with bi-weekly visits to the local plasma-donation center. "I guess I should start looking for a roommate."