Archive for December, 2007

I use the term in quotes because although I am 27 years old, I still don’t feel like a real live adult yet. But I can be tried as one, so I’d better refer to myself as such for legal purposes. Anyway, on with the true purpose of this rant: Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. Chiefly, the Christmas special that has been shown year after year during the holidays. I have a theory that no one actually made that tv show. It simply existed, floating amongst the cosmos as a stray signal, waiting for a thing called television to be invented on a place called Earth. And then it started making annual visits every December, working it’s way into our subconscious. And it was while watching it again this year, with friends and under the influence of some alcohol, that I noticed something: it is one of the most disturbing things ever shown on tv.

Let me explain. To start with, the Santa that is depicted in this show is not the benevolent, kindly saint that delivers presents and cheer the world round. This Santa is a miserly, irascible grouch. Oh, and he ascribes to the ideas of eugenics. That’s right, this Santa is a racist bastard, as evidenced by his immediate reaction to the birth of Rudolph. He’s fine with the little fawn, as long as he’s “normal.” But the second that genetic anomaly of a red nose makes an appearance, Santa changes his tune. If Santa had a gun, I think he would have plugged the poor little guy right there on the spot. And not only that, but his Third Reich of the North Pole has the entire populace trained to weed out anyone exhibiting signs of individualism and crush it through social stigmatization. Take Hermie the elf. Wants to be a dentist, exploring an alternative lifestyle to the toy making world he is in. Instead of encouraging him, his superiors threaten and ridicule him, despite the fact that a dentist could be handy in a land where the diet consists of cookies, hard candy, and hot chocolate.

So the two freaks of nature are outcast from Disney’s Magic Kingdom Santa’s North Pole workshop. These two young’ens then run away (and no one thinks to look for them until much later). The first person they meet is Yukon Cornelius, a prospector so far around the bend he talks to his dogs and licks a metal pick ax in the middle of the arctic. And it looks like he’s been out there a while. Alone. With only dogs for company. And now he’s with a young boy and his reindeer. I don’t want to insinuate anything. I’m just saying Rudolph and Herbie probably needed a lot of counseling and developed a strong aversion to beards.

Then along comes the Bumble. I’m fully convinced that creature was the result of the unholy experiments of St. Nick himself, a genetic accident from the fat man’s attempts to clone the perfect elf. Repulsed by the affront before God he had created, Santa banished the creature to the frozen wastes to keep any from escaping his little sweatshop in order to inform the authorities. But what is truly disturbing is what Rudolph and Co. do to the savage beastie. Herbie, mustering up a lifetimes worth of pent up aggression coupled with a pathological obsession for dentistry, goes Marathon Man on the poor creature and RIPS OUT THE BUMBLE’S TEETH!!! Thus condemning the hapless genetic anamoly to a life time of fish and reindeer smoothies. Then, to top things off, Yukon Cornelius and his dogs get so swept up in carnal desire for the thing that they charge him and knock him off a cliff, where horribly lewd and degrading things must have happened to the Bumble as the next time we see him he’s now Yukon’s hairy man-slave.

Now I realize I’m leaving out the Island of Misfit toys. There’s a reason for that. That part just freaks me out. I have woken up screaming due to nightmares plagued by Charlie-in-the-Box and that cowboy on the ostrich. Those little abominations must be from Fisher-Price’s H.P. Lovecraft collection.

And that brings us to the end of the program, where Santa, after previously being thin as a rail, has now plumped up nicely in the span of a few weeks. Where did he get the food from? The arctic is not exactly known for its plentiful harvests, and I’m fairly certain no living thing can put on that much weight licking lichen off of rocks. That leads me to one conclusion – Santa has been eating all the reject reindeer and elves. And now Rudolph and Herbie are back in his clutches…