Advice Please

I'm 19 and after going to uni for 6 weeks i decided to drop out about 3 months ago now, since then i've been feeling worse and worse, it started off not to bad but recently i've come to the realisation that i'm depressed. I don't get on with my parents and i can't tell any of my friends and theres only one person who i've been able to confide in throughout all of this. She's a friend that i used to work (and now work at the same place as, as i've gone back to work there though in a different department) with and is a lot older than me. A large part of my problem is that i often get very lonely and very scared and i often ended up texting her in the evenings because i wanted reassurance and comfort. She'd always said that she was going to be here for me and that if texting her helped then i could txt her weneva i wanted although to be honest i neva thought she really cared, a few weeks ago though we had a bit of a fight as i was getting too much and she had some family issues and she asked me to stop texting her and get proper help, it completely and utterly terrified me and i had the most horrific weekend its when i first started having real anxiety symptons i couldnt sleep i was sick i couldnt eat all because i was terrified that she hated me and was never going to speak to me again and i felt like i had nobody else, on the saturday i had a real panic attack and i couldnt stop shaking and was just absolutely petrified i had no idea what to do, i tried ringing her which i very rarely do but she wouldnt answer my calls. I wrote her a letter explaining how i felt and everything, when i saw her again on the monday she pretty much jst shrugged it off and said that she was still gonna be here for me and she doesnt hold grudges. I still decided that it was time for proper help and went to my doctors that week, my doctor was really briliant and reassuring and set up counselling for me (i havent had my 1st seesion yet). I had a good few days and we were getting along fine, then last week my great grandad died which upset me although what was more upsetting was to see me mun and gran so upset, i was very nervous about the funeral as its the first one ive ever been 2 and so i was having a bad couple of days earlier on this week where i lapsed back into texting her. Then on wednesday the head of HR and head of my friends department asked to speak to me and explained that my friend was worried about me and had gone to them because she was scared i was going to do somethig stupid (which i wouldnt as low as i've been ive never considered suicide and i dont think i eva would), they then spoke to a helpline who advised them that my friend should ignore all my texts and im basically not allowed any contact with her other wise i'm going to mess her up as well and she could end up in counselling. I didnt even think she cared, she never replied to my texts half the time. I had a terrible day wednesday and went back to the doctors thursday morning and she's giving me tablets to help with the anxiety. I don't know wat to think or what to do, i care so much for my friend and i dont want to hurt her but i feel like she's completely betrayed me and like she doesnt care about me. I would neva ring this helpline as it won't help me, i'm not that sort of person, i told my doctor about it and she agreed with me that it wouldnt help, i just dont no what to do im not allowed to see my friend so i dont know why she did it or how shes feeling, i dont undastand, do they think there helping me ? because they havent theyve completely destroyed me, i feel isolated i just have no idea whats going on i have nobody to turn to anymore. They don't undatstand how much it meant just to know that i had sumbody there for me and now i have nobody. I really want to make contact with her again and put things right but i feel i've messed evrything up so much already i don't want to make it worse.

Pebl87First of all Welcome to the board. You will find alot of great advice on here,and it is a great place to vent and express your feelings.Ok now...I have to disagree with you on the fact that you think your friend does not care about you. If this person did not care,then they would not have went to the trouble to talk to someone because they were worried about you. I don't think they did it to push you off. I really think they were very concerned about you.Now, when we get down and out,we tend to either lay our hearts on the line or withdrawl. It seems to me that you laid your heart on the line,and you probably scared the crap out of her. The reason is you have to remember that people who are not experiencing depression do not understand what you are going through. It is not their fault,and you should not be upset with her because of that.You might have said things like " I can't take this anymore",or " I am so tired of my life being this way". And what she saw was " Omg, she wants to end her life, or " she doesn't want to wake up and be this way anymore". And she got scared and she went to someone that she thought could help you and her. That is a good friend as far as I am concerned.I think she had a valid point by telling you to get a doctor's help. She was telling you that she cares about you but she has no idea how to help you.And yes,being around people that have depression can send someone into depression. I have experienced that myself and it is hard.In order to salvage this relationship,maybe start by telling her that you are getting help from a doctor,letting her know how much you appreciate her help. And that you understand that your depression is hard to deal with. Use your doctor to vent too,let them know everything you are going through.They have been through school for this type of illness and are the best people to help you.I hope I don't sound like I am being mean,or harsh. I am not .I have dealt with depression for 25 years,so I know how it affects other people too.Good Luck,and please keep us informed on how you are.Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia