6 Ways to Help Her Have Orgasms

Many men believe that one goal of lovemaking is to “give” women earth-shattering orgasms. But orgasm is something no one “gives.” Orgasms are like laughter. Comedians might be funny, but they don’t “make” us laugh. We release laughter from deep within ourselves when conditions feel right. Rather than “giving” women orgasms, men should focus on what allows women to have them. These suggestions increase her likelihood of happy endings:

(1) Don’t expect her to have orgasms during intercourse. On TV and in movies and pornography, women always seem to have orgasms during intercourse. That’s much more fantasy than reality. In real sex, only about one-quarter of women are consistently orgasmic during intercourse. The old in-and-out can be great fun, but it brings only a minority of women to orgasm. Three-quarters of women need direct stimulation of the clitoris.

The clitoris is the little nub of tissue that sits outside the vagina and a few inches above it beneath the upper junction of the vaginal lips. Even vigorous prolonged intercourse seldom provides enough clitoral stimulation for orgasm. Most women really need clitoral caresses from a hand, tongue, or vibrator. Unless she specifically requests intense touch, caress her clitoris very gently. It contains as many touch-sensitive nerves as the head of the penis, but they’re packed into an organ only about one-tenth the size. As a result, even gentle caresses may feel too intense for many women. Discuss this. If she doesn’t enjoy direct clitoral touch, caress around her clitoris.

(2) Touch her all over, not just those places. From the scalp to the soles of the feet, every square inch of the body is a sensual playground, but too many men focus on just a few corners and forget the rest. Touch her everywhere. All over. Every square inch. Think of sex as whole-body massage that eventually includes the genitals. Whole-body massage produces deep relaxation, which helps women (and men) have orgasms. Massage her gently from head to toe. Try massage lotion (available at bath and body shops). Some non-genital spots that can feel surprisingly erotic include: the scalp, ears, face, neck, feet, and the backs of the knees.

(3) Slow down. Extended sensual warm-up time helps women have orgasms. Compared with men, most women need considerably more time to warm up to genital play. Forget the wham bam you see in porn. When making love, do everything at half speed. Sex therapists recommend at least 30 minutes of kissing, cuddling, and whole-body sensual caressing before reaching between her legs.

(4) Use a lubricant. Wetter is better. In just seconds, lubricant makes women’s (and men’s) genitals more erotically sensitive, so it helps women have orgasms. In addition, for women experiencing post-menopausal vaginal dryness, sex may feel uncomfortable without a lubricant.

The most widely used lube is saliva. It’s wet, free, and always available, but saliva dries quickly and it’s not very slippery. Vegetable oil is another possibility, but it can be messy and stain linens. Try commercial lubricants. They’re safe, inexpensive, and slippery. If they dry out, they can be refreshed with a few drops of water, or just apply a bit more. But don’t squirt lubricants directly on women’s genitals. That can feel cold and jarring. Squeeze some into your hand, rub it with your fingers to warm it, then touch her. Lubricants are available at pharmacies, near the condoms.

(5) Break out of routines. Ever notice how sex feels more arousing in hotels? That’s because hotel sex is non-routine. Biochemically, the brain chemical (neurotransmitter) dopamine governs libido. As dopamine rises, so does arousal and likelihood of orgasm. What raises dopamine? Novelty. So try something different—anything. Make love in a new location, in a different way, at a different time, or with a different ambiance, for example, candle light, music, and sex toys. Beforehand, try bathing or showering together, or treat yourselves to professional massages.

(6) Take a vibrator to bed. Even if you do all of the above, some women still have trouble with orgasm, and need the intense stimulation only vibrators can provide. Today, one-third of American women own vibrators, but few couples include them in partner sex. Some men fear being “replaced.” Nonsense. Power tools don’t replace carpenters. They just get the job done more efficiently. Vibrators can’t kiss and cuddle, or make women laugh, or love them. They do just one thing, and some women need that one thing to have orgasms. Hold her close as you invite her to use the vibrator.

Just remember, you don’t “give” her orgasms. In a loving relationship, the man’s job is to create an erotic context that’s comfortable, relaxed, and arousing enough so the woman can let herself go enough to climax.

It always amazes me to read 'how to' sex advice by men on how to please the woman. This article is a typical example of how you totally miss the point. This article totally ignores the simple things that men can do to help sex be more satisfying for the woman. There is no mention of men having good hygiene and smelling good and looking good and having a good relationship with their partner. Men don't listen to the women or take the time to actually ask them to tell them what they want in bed. Perhaps if you encouraged men to take better care of themselves and develop their relationships, the women would respond with more orgasms. The build up of the satisfaction of sex precedes the actual act of sexual intercourse. And there's no mention in this article of allowing her to be on top, a no brainer I thought (I was wrong). Why does this not surprise me? Perhaps if the author actually talked to women and asked their opinion, he wouldn't be so eager to suggest that men bring the vibrator out and just get it over with already. Sort of like saying, don't bother, it won't work anyway so just get the vibrator already. Perhaps he wouldn't make as much money if he didn't just repeat what most men want to hear already. I don't think there's anything wrong with vibrators, but I thought the whole point of this article was help on sex tips.

The whole point of the article was not "help on sex tips." The point of the article was "Ways to Help Her Have Orgasms." It was in the title right after the number 6 and the key words were HELP and ORGASM.

The article assumed the man had proper hygiene, a good relationship, listens to his partner, etc. How do I know that, because the title of the article was "6 Ways to Help Her Have Orgasms." Only a man that is already doing the things you stated would want to "Help Her Have Orgasms."

If the article was written for the man that wasn't doing everything you stated, then the title of the article would have been 6 Ways to Help you get Her into Bed so that YOU can Have an Orgasm.

The way you generalize the habits of my gender are downright offensive. (Note: I am a man.) Why do you assert that we are unwashed, that don't put effort into relationships, that we don't understand some women like to be on top, or that vibrators are some substitute for intimacy. Myself, I bathe once a week whether I need it or not! Ok kidding.... I shower once or twice daily, I romance my loving wife of 13 years on a regular basis, we try all sorts of wonderful sex positions and activities, and yes, heaven forbid, we own sex toys that we use on ourselves and on each other. But here's a nugget for you - my sex life has actually improved in quality and quantity as I approach the big 4-0. This columnist (of whom I've become a recent fan) is offering tips, not telling men everything they need to know. Many of his tips are spot on and have helped me help my wife orgasm. As she enjoys sex more, guess what? She wants more! Which, as the partner with the stronger libido, pleases me oh so very much. Further, now that I take more time to warm her up (massage, blindfolded sensual arousal, sex toys, extended oral, a little role play, etc,) for a good 30 mins before intercourse, she's having waaayyyyyyy more orgasms. And - Bonus! - it has reminded her that intimacy before intercourse is a two-way street. I'm getting more oral attention, prostate pleasure, and general arousal because of her desire to focus on my pleasure the way I've begun to focus on her. How is that being "all about him"...?

Michael, as always you continue to offer really sensitive advice to help women have more pleasure. I for one, wonder about how you "get it" so thoroughly. You must really listen to women. A quick read of any of your blogs and books would answer Lily's accusations of missing the surround sound that makes the sexual experience so great for a woman.. I know you advise about that over and over!

I try to listen to my wife, other women willing to discuss sexuality, and I read the surveys of women, and what women sex experts write. I don't claim to "get it" entirely—and have plenty of critics here telling me I don't—but I try to listen to women and take them seriously.

hell i liked that point sex is all about a women-loved massage , but hell no kissing & massaging for about 30 min , some couples just do it in a whole 30 min can't believe ,...but i of course like it, as it truly seems getting hurt painfully by sex , not that much pleasure, that's why some men think women drive them begging at the end , no it's just all what they want

Thanks for the great info Michael! Just want to add in a little bit of my opinion. If guys want to make your female partner orgasm during intercourse isn't easy and you need to last at least 5minutes above to make your partner orgasm. If people who can't last longer than 5 minutes of thrusting your female partner, you should get a mini time out. But do remember, you don't want to entirely end on intimate contact. Otherwise, you'll have to re-work harder to get to another higher state of arousal. So maintain the caressing until you feel that hypersensitivity lessen and the heat returning to your moan zone. Hope it helps! =D

Submitted by Medical Center for Female Sexuality on January 18, 2013 - 11:38am

How refreshing to read an honest, accurate discussion about orgasms for women! Thanks for making it clear from the get-go that most women cannot have orgasms from intercourse alone and need other stimulation.

Just to add one thing; for some women, inability or difficulty achieving an orgasm can be related to hormones being out of balance. It's important to have that checked out, not to mention any medications like anti-depressants can impact orgasms as well.

I am aware that guys have problems lasting long enough and staying hard for at least 5+ mins to make a woman orgasm.

How I know it? Because it happens to me to occasionally when I forget about my penis and don't take proper care of it.

How to "train" your penis to stay hard and that are able to control when you will cum? It's actually quite simple. All you have to do is train your PC (Pubococcygeus muscle) which you can do by doing kegel excercises. My favourite method is to masturbate and hold my orgasm for as long as I can. If you can masturbate for 30min without releasing your orgasm you will be able to perform in bed for about the same amount of time.

Just advice for all people who don't know how to improve their bed performace. For more info I will also invite you to maybe check out my website about this topic and learn some Sex Tips and Tricks.

Women should be having an orgasm (or more) every single time they have sex. If they're not, the man she's having sex with needs to learn how to do it. Every woman is capable of having the orgasm, but it'll never happen if he doesn't know how to give it to her. Women always climax when they masturbate, the only difference is the person giving the stimulation. Learn how to have sex, start here with 3 tricks you can use to become a sex god: http://ia69.co/sexgod/

If only. The majority of men have no idea and don't care. If what they are doing is feeling good enough for you to gasp, breather a little harder or move into it-they just freaking assume you just orgasimed and stop and finish themselves off.

What women need to learn is that it just doesn't matter. If you have a man that loves you and is good to you (I do NOT mean money) and is good to your kids (whether they are yours, his or y'alls) who gives a rat's ass if you orgasim? It is damn sure not worth hurting his feelings over.

I deplore lying. At 18 my husband of a year asked had I been having orgasms. I was honest with him. If only I could turn back the hands of time--it would be the THE lie--I would tell him the truth.

I flat refuse to ever have that discussion with any man ever again. I dated one guy when we broke up (20 years later) and he was very willing and tried and it didn't happen. I know that played a role in the break up. My 2nd husband, it happened every time (he died). My current man is awesomely good. He is 99% impotent from cancer treatments. He tries. Maybe if their were not 20+ years of being abused BECAUSE I couldn't achieve orgasm (and other reasons but that was what started it and was always the truth of the matter-he felt awful because of my problem), it would happen. I don't know. He does try. No toys. Not sure why. He will occasionally use a straight dildo but nothing that vibrates and I have them. Obviously a waste of my money. He finally asked the fatal question, and I LIED. I will NEVER hurt another human being that bad.

Get used to--femal orgasim serves no purpose whatsoever except to hurt people. If you don't and can't stand it-get with yourself. Its a mind game-mind over matter-if you don't mind, it just don't matter-got something productive.

Please help me, i have a friend who has been married for four months now and all the while her and her husband makes love, she doesn't get to her orgasm. What should she do? Please help as it is tearing her hubby apart.
Thanks.

Many women have trouble having orgasms, particularly women under 35 or so. In addition, many women who are orgasmic solo by hand or vibrator have problems getting there during couple sex. I suggest your friend and her husband check out the Info Library on my site, GreatSexAfter40.com. (It focuses on sex in the second half of life, but has tons of information for lovers of all ages.) The Info Library contains 100 articles, several of which relate to women's orgasm difficulties and how men can help women have them. Articles can be purchased individually, or people can buy all of them (a much better deal). If the articles don't provide sufficient relieve, then I'd suggest sex therapy. Your friend can find a therapist at the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists: aasect.org. Please tell your friend that her issue is quite common and that it CAN be resolved.

A vaginal orgasm is a dissolving in a vague, dark generalized sensation like being swirled in a warm whirlpool. There are several different sorts of clitoral orgasms, and they are more powerful than the vaginal orgasm.Read more to know the difference between vaginal orgasm and clitoral orgasm at: http://bit.ly/1y0BoFm

A vaginal orgasm is a dissolving in a vague, dark generalized sensation like being swirled in a warm whirlpool. There are several different sorts of clitoral orgasms, and they are more powerful than the vaginal orgasm.Read more to know the difference between vaginal orgasm and clitoral orgasm at: http://bit.ly/1y0BoFm