Tupac Shakur's singing blowjob sex tape (with a non-sexual Money B cameo!) is off the market, purchased by a "private collector," TMZ reports. This is mysterious and strange for at least six reasons. But first, a refresher on what the tape entails:

The tape, shot in 1991, begins with a bunch of groupies in a living room during a house party. Tupac walks into the room with his pants down to his ankles, his shirt off, sporting several chains.

Tupac—whose head is shaved—pulls one of the women toward him, and she begins performing oral sex. As she does her thing, an unreleased song of Tupac's is playing in the background, as Tupac is singing along and dancing, wiggling his hips.

Here's why TMZ's report about the sale is mysterious and strange:

Though TMZ doesn't have a figure on the sale, they claim the bidding "had reached $1,000,000" and that the tape will "never see the light of day." Does that make any economic sense?

"Private collector" usually means "my agent bought it so we could destroy it," but who would do that, at such great cost, for Tupac? Particularly since the tape merely confirms everything we already assumed about Tupac's sex life?

Supposedly the tape was worth the million "for the background music alone." But Tupac has already had eight posthumous albums, featuring dozens of previously unreleased tracks! Are unreleased Tupac tracks really worth this much, anymore?

So, if there is no reason to bury this tape at such a high cost, we can only conclude that the "private collector" is, in fact, a random rich pervert who has some kind of underground porn lair full of rare videos of famous people fucking, as though it is art. We're actually living in a sequel to Eyes Wide Shut, now, right?

Or we could conclude that the million-dollar figure was a bluff, and the whole thing sold for, like, a couple thousand dollars and a piece of earwax.