Friday, August 24, 2012

It's all about health.

National Football League Preview - 2012 El Padrino edition, brought to you by $1 DEP Sport Hair Gel, if you have thinning hair make it worse by rubbing DEP's all new Sport Hold Ocean Blue Hair Gel into it! Available nationwide.

NFC EAST

GGGGGGGGGGGMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEENNNNNNNNNN (12-4) - Probably a first round exit in the playoffs. It's just the way the NFL is built now. Teams never run the table from start to finish like the old days of the power Bills, Cowboys and 49ers. Now we expect the top seed to go down in flames especially when facing the "hot team" that was dead 3 weeks ago. Shit the Giants mastered that. Fucking owned it. 18-0 Pats? No problem. 15-1 Green Bay? Eat a dick. Anyway this team is stacked. The schedule is tough but it usually is and chances are one of these "tough" teams will have a rough year. They have a ridiculous offense despite the fact they cannot run the ball well up front. If David Wilson remains healthy, as a rookie, he can be the answer. Nicks will be fine. Cruz is uncoverable. I had my doubts but seriously he is uncoverable. The defense will give up yards but when you have FOUR legitimate pass rushing threats on the field at the same time it's an unreal advantage. Especially in today's game where passing is everyones cup of tea.

I know this is Giant colored glasses and I have pass on writing the Giants previews in years past for this very reason I get way too jacked up about my teams but especially the Giants. Just my favorite thing ever to talk about. I still think this is a failry accurate preview. This is NOT an 8-8 team. They should at least, if I were a cynic, have 10 wins.

EAGLES (10-6)
Hate them but I'm actually a bit frightened by them. I think the defense they have over there, with a year and full training camp under their collective belts, is NASTY. McCoy is a top back, DeSean got paid and says he is 100% focused which is fucking dangerous because he can wake up in the middle of April and return a punt 99 yeards for a score and Maclin is almost uncoverable in his own right. This is a very good football team that now adds some emotional steam behind a dopey yet successful head coach. It's all depends on the health of Mike Vick. I have to be honest the Eagles could have done what the Giants did last year. They were the butt of all the jokes, Dream Team this and so on but they got hot down the stretch and the early swoon was too much to overcome or they could have been holding that Lombardi. THANK GOD that wasn't the case. But serious. This Nick Foles (Fuck Mike Kafka) can throw the pill a bit so even if Vick misses a few games (which is HIGHLY LIKELY) the defense should be able to keep the team afloat. Vick has only played 16 games once, 2003 I think. Do with that info as you see fit.

COWBOYS (8-8)
Well they fixed that secondary that is for sure. Via draft and via cash the secondary should be vastily improved which should help this team close out 4th quarters. They do have a prolific passing QB in Romo, I won't argue that, but until he shows the stones to win some close games and take a team to the playoffs, and win, he'll never be talked about with the upper echelon of guys throwing pigskin. I think that is fair. The offense is very good, when they protect Romo. They have a killer schedule and a real tough stretch out of the gate. I think Philly and the Giants are much better than Dallas at this point. I also think it's possible Jason Garrett will be relieved of his duties at the end of this year.

REDSKINS (6-10)
What? Even if Griffin III has the same unbelievable season Cammy Cam Cam (possible, kid is a track star with a cannon arm, unreal) had last year they Panthers still had a losing record. They signed every WR on the market, none of them are great and they still have a Shanny Roulette RB situation. Plus this dude and his 175lb frame has to play the Giants twice, Philly twice and if that is not enough he gets the Ravens AND goes to Pittsburgh. Welcome to the NFL. By the way, the best player on this defense is 37 years old and calls all the plays. If Ray Lewis can miss half a year with injury why not Fletch?

NFC NORTH

GREEN BAY (13-3) - I think the roster had like 4 guys it doesn't have last year. I mean this team was sensational last year and they managed to keep it all together again. I think we are looking at the eventual Champions here. They had one bad game. One. Shit the fucking system was so good the fucking back up QB came in and tossed 6 TD's netting himself millions from the Seahawks. This was an historic team. No way around the facts people. They will dominate again. If you look at the year the Patriots had after going 18-1 you'll figure out that teams this good don't just disappear. Pats went 11-5 the next year with a 25% roster turnover WITHOUT TOM BRADY. This team is not to be fucked around with.

DA BEARS (11-5)
No clue if the offensive line is any better than the past 3 years (what is the deal with that thing) but Cutty certainly has a weapon now in B-Marsh. If he stays out of trouble, AHIK, could be a nice season for both platyers. B-Marsh catches ALOT of balls. The defense is still in the upper tier of NFL defenses and they have a suite home field advantage. Not to be overlooked. If the Packers didn't play in this division I'd pick them to win it. They'll score a Wild Card berth though. Hopefully Jay Cut's vadge holds up in the playoffs.

LIONS (7-9)
Regression. The Lions finally sort of lived up to the pre-year hype and captured a Wild Card berth last year before getting smacked around like a prostitute in the playoffs by the Saints. They still have issues in the secondary, the pass rush while formidable, is vulnerable to no huddle/screen game/draws (they allowed almost 400 points, no bueno). Shit after the bye week they were straight up gashed wee in and week out. Every good team they played last year they lost, save for the series split with the Bears. Outside of the 4 games versus the two good/great teams in their own division they play Philly (away), San Fran (away), Houston (home). I think they have 4 or 5 national games this year. Let's not forget the 900 pound gorilla in the room (Madden cover with Megatron on it) either. Oh and Jahvid Best? Yeah no thanks.

VIKINGS (5-11)
I don't see much here. Do you see the leap? Progress? Tough division. Peterson is off the PUP list but does that mean he can be back to form soon? They drafted Harris but was it enough? This team had the worst pass defense in the league last year. The first 4 picks were on the offensive side of the ball. I thought they had a horrible draft. When you have Aaron Rodgers, Jay Cutler and Matt Stafford in your division why not fix your secondary immediately?

NFC SOUTH

SAINTS (10-6)
I think this bottom half of the division improved the most. I see Carolina getting a few more wins, Tampa is better so this must mean we have to snatch some wins from the top teams. Saints will still win the division because Drew Brees is ridiculous and somehow this Bounty scandal will bring these guys closer together. Like a rallying cry or something. He's good at getting the absoulte max out of this team. He's like a player coach. Screw everyone for thinking otherwise it's easy to sit here and predict Payton was everything but it is still Sean Payton's playbook they are using and let's be real for a minute here. Ain't no coach calling the plays in his absence. #9 got this.

BUCS (9-7)
What can I say it's the year of the Buccos! Just got a gut feeling about this team, think they will be much improved. Like the coach I think he's been preparing for this job his whole life. I know that defense was awful I know. It actually can't get any worse. Neither can Freeman's play. The Vincent Jackson signing was brilliant. There is always a team each year that does a last to first jump or a team that improves by 5-6 wins I think this team is the one. Call me crazy or call me maybe.

PANTHERS (8-8)
Bad defense, good offense. These things should even out a bit for the Panthers this year. Under Ron Riveria you'd have to think the defense will improve in year 2 of his program. Year 2 of Cam Newton could be scary. Two headed running back monster. Saints more vulnerable, the Falcons I'm predicting to be pretty bad so the division is not impossible. Winnable home oppenents. This team has some ways to go but they are improving and I think they'll be a whole lot better next year.

FALCONS (6-10)
I think the Falcons have a disaster year. I think the Julio Jones trade was dumb (no depth, 5 picks could have been helpful). Even if he goes off which is what some experts are predicting. I don't like Matt Ryan, I don't think he is anything special. I think when you hit him he folds. I think - no I know the defensive front of Atlanta is awful and has been for years. Not sure why that has never been addressed. I think they'll have more than their share of bad injury luck this year. I think the bottom of the division improved. I think they'll lose 3 of the NFC east games they have to play. I think Asante Samuel tweeting about feeling good about this year is a bad sign.

NFC WEST

SAN FRAN (11-5)
They added some explosion to the offensive roster the question is will they use it. The Niners played smart football last year, the coach is a risk adverse type of coach, he will need to loosen up the play calling and let the playmakers he signed flourish. Niners snuck up on alot of teams last year, not this year. They get to beat up on the bottom dwellers in their own division again so that helps but the rest of the schedule is no cake walk. They have 5 primetime/national games so I hope they are ready.

SEATTLE (10-6)
I think they have something cool brewing out there in Seattle. Liked their draft. They get to beat up on their own division a bit, have sick home-field advantage that is still able to have an effect on good teams which is key since they have all of their tough opponents at home and they have a quarterback. And of course BEAST.

CARDINALS (4-12)
Cmon man with this quarterback situation. Was Kolb the worse trade ever. Man Reid fleeced these guys. If the Rams weren't in this division they'd be the worse but the Rams are the worse.

RAMS (3-13)
Jeff Fisher ain't saving this. This team is still bad, got bad players all over the roster. I think Bradford is a bust. Honestly. The defensive play calling will be tricky. They play New England, Green Bay, Chicago, Detroit, of course Niners twice I mean they'll be in games. Because Fisher is a good coach but he needs maybe two years to get this boat floating. And possibly a quarterback.

The DJs pick 2 court cases and the callers call in & give the reasons why one is more Sheboygan that the other. This week's cases... Woman claims she's abducted by her Wavian ex boyfriend and is taken to......Kewaskum. Can't give 5-0 any description of the alleged exboyfriend.

case 2: WT guy hits $1000 on an illegal video slot machine at a bowling house and decides he doesn't want to wait the week or whatever period of time they need to clear the money for his payout. Roughs up the manager, shoves him down a flight of stairs, tries to get the money himself, realizes he's not getting the money. Arrested on battery.