I can relate to the envy/sexual feelings toward that kind of person 18-22 (or 23). I want to be that person, I want that person to like me. Frankly I want to be popular, unfortunately I have a tendency to equate friendship with sex.

Glad you found us, I know this board has been a great help to me. Keep writing

Jason

_________________________"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"

Welcome to MS. Obviously I'm not a professional but there is something about what you're describing that strikes me as a symptom of some stunted growth...sort of like the pause button was hit at a certain age for you when indeed, many of us want to be like "that" guy...perhaps that somewhat older guy who has it all together, good looks, cool and all the rest. I could of course be totally projecting my own situation on to you. I feel very much like I've in many ways been held up at the moment when my serious abuse started...now that I've been in recovery for about 8 months, there's a tremendous feeling of Rip van Winkle about it all for me...sort of like waking up and realizing I'm not a child anymore. Just to be clear this hasn't prevented me from doing my thing and having a pretty good life, but it has been disconcerting to say the least. Just as a question for thought, is there some level upon which these guys you wish you perhaps were seem or feel "older" than you? or to turn it around, do you feel younger than them in some way? Does everyone seem like they must be older than you? And man, I gotta give you big props for realizing the futility of acting out and trying to find your answers in other ways...keep at it, man.

There are lists of signs that combined can indicate a child undergoing or having experienced CSA. In my own case, this screemed out for years...alcohol use, bedwetting, fire starting, scab picking, loneliness, various acting out (fights, school trouble, sexualized behavior), compulsive masturbation, porn addiction, inability to form close relationships, risk taking, depression... I was in therapy in college, majoring in social work and although both my therapist and myself agreed something had happened, we could not identify it. Finally, at age 42, I started remembering whether I wanted to or not. We listed a number of events in my life as likely abuse periods. One of the periods was a summer trip to an uncle's that ended with our mother fleeing with us. I could never remember anything that happened on the trip itself. Turns out the entire trip was a nightmare, my brother and I had been kidnapped by a sadistic pedophile.

The entire time I was growing up, I was in therapy for behavioral problems. But the entire time, I was diagnosed as ADHD and everything was explained with this diagnosis. Nobody bothered to check my butthole after returning from the summer trip.

Long story short, there are lists of signs that can indicate sexual abuse. Any one of the signs can occur in other situations, many entirely normal. However if you are asking is it possible that something happened to you and you can't remember it, the answer is yes.

_________________________
God grant meThe Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,The Courage to change the things I can,And the Wisdom to know the difference.

#325589 - 03/18/1007:40 AMRe: Can You Identify a CSA survivor based on behavior?
[Re: Shaun The Sheep]

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Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...

hello shaun and welcome to our community. it's good that you are working on these things with your therapist, who hopefully is a qualified mental health specialist knowledgeable in the field of male sexual abuse.

so many men come to this community tangled up in the barbed wire of confusion which our society imposes on them by enforcing people to think along the lines of black and white sexual binary, and causing them further grief, particularly when invested in a sexual self image that is contrary to one that aligns with a culturally assumed values system.

the truth is, it is very natural and healthy for men to fantasize about other men no matter what their reported orientation. seems to me, you have made a choice to be faithful to your partner, so that should eliminate any confusion, since all other options have been ruled out. maybe it would be helpful to just accept these desires and learn to live with them, rather than dancing with them by trying to deny they exist in the first place...... doing so merely reinforces their power over you.

abuse can leave us conflicted and twisted because we were brought up to believe that we 'should be' one way or the other. not so, and if you hang around this organization you will learn that soon enough.

this is a very complex issue, and one that will take time to sort out, but as you explore your sexuality in an affirming and positive healthy way, these types of questions lose their energetic power and dissolve in terms of their felt sense of importance.

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