I
suppose we all have to start somewhere, and this 1970 softcore
effort is an early offering from Gerard Damiano, here a long way
from the existential bleakness of The Devil in Miss Jones
and Memories Within Miss Aggie, or even the jolly
sexuality of Deep Throat – though at a
stretch, you can see some of those ideas being formed, rather
nebulously. Instead, what we have here is a pretty messy effort,
made worse by being presented in one of the most beaten up, chopped
up prints I’ve ever seen.

Peggy Simpson plays Karen, who is about to get married but has
never had sex with her fiancé Jim. Her friend Jane (Linda
Southern) suggests she visits a rather seedy psychiatrist, Dr
Luv, who discovers – by asking – that her sexual repression
dates back to the time a boyfriend tried to force her into giving
him a blow job. Dr Luv decides that Karen needs his special form
of sex therapy that involves her having sex with other people.
And despite not wanting to give it up for Jim, she’s soon
getting down with total strangers in his office. Go figure.

As we met the doctor’s other patients – a woman wanting
to be spanked and a blonde looking for vibrator therapy, both
helped out by an unappealing nurse called ‘mother’
(for all I know, she might well be supposed to be Dr Luv’s
actual mother) – the film grinds on, concluding in a party
where Karen strips off and fondles herself with a banana. Meanwhile,
Dr Luv is being investigated by other doctors and suffering bad
flashbacks as a result of one of his former patients being crushed
to death by a horse. Do I really need to explain how that happened?
Sensitive viewers and law officers will be relieved to know that
the flashback to this scene is all suggestion.

Teenie Tulip – and don’t ask me where
the title fits in, because there are no teens (or tulips) anywhere
to be seen – is pretty shoddy, truth be told. There is reportedly
a mid-Seventies version with hardcore inserts that is supposedly
better, but to be honest, it’s hard to see how this could
be salvaged. A mostly unappealing cast, limp action and incoherent
plot make it hard to sit through, even in a version that clocks
in at under an hour. There are plus points for the overly dramatic
music, but if you’ve ever seen a Doris Wishman roughie,
then you’ve heard the music before.

Whatever qualities the film does have are invariably lost because
of the print damage. While it’s great that Something Weird
are saving these obscure movies, and it’s unlikely that
a pristine print or negative would ever turn up of this, the constant
jumps and scratches – heavy in dialogue scenes, even heavier
in the sex scenes – make it pretty much incomprehensible,
as presumably important plot points, and even the ending of the
film, are lost. As a slice of pre-porn history, it’s of
some historical value; as a piece of entertainment, erotic or
otherwise, it’s a non-starter.