Saturday, June 20, 2009

Disorder

On June 9 my friend Nancy passed away. 51 years young. We said our formal good-byes, as a group, at her funeral on June 16th. I am glad her pain is over and I am grateful for her friendship that goes on forever in my heart. I miss her. This is the first loss I have felt to this depth. I have been so lucky to have little loss in my life and even less that is out of order.

You know, the order: great-grandparents and grandparents go first. It's the order. Someday my parents will follow, although I've got some very healthy and active parents so we plan for them to be around a loooong time. Attending McKenna's college graduation would be nice for them (21 years from now)! Let's go for dancing at her wedding, too. So, with the exception of a beloved cousin-by-marriage who was tragically murdered at just 22 years old in 1990, I have been very, very fortunate. Life and the circle of life has had order. Even though I miss my granny goose every day, when she died at age 89 in 2000, it was the order.

Perhaps that's why Nancy's passing has hit me so hard, aside from losing a dearly loved friend and confidante. It's DISORDER. It's not the order in which things are supposed to happen, it's something I was not able to control or make better.

Life beyond Nancy is a little messy. It's DISORDER. I'm not comfortable with that. At all. Although I've kept up with work and social obligations since Nancy passed away, I've felt adrift and disconnected since June 9th. I've wanted to be alone, I've wanted to do absolutely nothing which is out of character for this Type A driven person, I've slept in, I've stayed up really, really late. I've actually left dirty dishes on the counter for more than 20 minutes and didn't care. The other morning I left the house for the day without first cleaning all the coffee maker parts. Unthinkable! DISORDER!!!

Cameron being out of a job is in the mix of my feeling disorder, although he continues to make more than I do with his severance and unemployment pay. He has an interview on Monday, but only for practice as the job is not anything in which he's interested. That's good. He needs the interview practice for the fab job that is coming. And he'll be out of the house. = ] I admit, I'm going a little nuts with him home all day while I'm working. Not anything he's doing or not doing - just out of order. It's DISORDER!

For the first time in 3 years my cat, Phoebe, has fleas - DISORDER! She is 16+ years old and I thought she was going to have a heart attack when I gave her a flea shampoo yesterday. She didn't, but neither did the fleas. I found a couple today after all that and after putting flea medication on her neck. I hate fleas. I can't control them. DISORDER there, too.

So, I think I have to figure out a way to get most of the order back in my life. Or learn to embrace disorder? Maybe a bit of disorder isn't horrible, but I really need order. Speaking of ordering, may I have a margarita, please? Make it two, one for Nancy. Cheers.