2034 Season Preview

If there’s one life lesson I can pass onto you, it’s that you should never try. If there are two life lessons I can pass onto you, it’s that you should never try and it’s always easier to deconstruct something that already exists rather than inventing something new.

With that, I give you my 2034 season predictions. Which are less predictions, and more deconstructing OSA predictions.

Why this prediction is wrong: The only player Treesus doesn’t have an in-house replacement for is Rodriguez. Portland will win way more than 71 games, unless they do something weird like play a Gold Glove CF at 3B or a Gold Glove RF at 1B.

Northern Virginia Rainbow Mermaids

66-42 prediction; 65-43 last year, won the Winner’s Cup

Key losses: OF Jojo Victory, P Ramon Molina, C Adrian Rogers

Key additions: P Yoo-Chul Mun, P Folkert van Huizen, OF Takashi Noda

Why this prediction is wrong: Space Unicorn won’t play 108 games, Mun and Samson won’t be the two best pitchers in the PL. Other than that it’s actually a pretty good prediction. I won’t mess this up.

Why this prediction is wrong: The Ties were unlucky last year according to base runs and pythag, and Kerrbear solidified the rotation and bullpen this offseason. Catcher remains a weak spot, but Buckhead has the top-level talent to challenge 70 wins this year.

Boston Patriots

57-51 prediction; 48-60 last year

Key losses: P Jose Garcia, DH Melvin Castro lol

Key additions: C Yoshi Samurakami, C Adrian Gomez

Why this prediction is wrong: Boston’s biggest pickups were two amateur pitchers, so barring impact prospects being called up this is largely the same team as last year.

Why this prediction is wrong: Grogg focused on clearing salary, and aside from Portland lost the most WAR in the PL this offseason. The Gold Sox are lousy with young arms, though, and once Dick TreviTHICC gets called up all bets are off. This is a 56-52 or 54-54 team.

Vancouver Grey Wolves

49-59 prediction; 63-45 last year

Key losses: C Gustavo Cortez, C Arlen Joysey

Key additions: [left blank intentionally]

Why this prediction is wrong: Couver had the best run prevention in the PL last year by a large margin, and all those guys are coming back. CF Johan Kroening is going to break out and have his name misspelled more than any other player in Slack. The second ‘n’ is tricky. Wolf Pups finish well over .500.

Philadelphia 1776 BC

49-59 prediction; 50-58 last year

Key losses: P Antonio Rodriguez, P Jaime van de Weideven

Why this prediction is wrong: Philly should probably spend some of that money.

DC Divided

49-59 prediction; 67-41 last year, won promotion playoff

Why this prediction is wrong: DC made no moves of note in the offseason. That said, it’s hard to say how/if this prediction is wrong without knowing Gerth’s essential status.

Why this prediction is wrong: JJ is the best manager in our league, and he has (at least) two of the top position players. This is a top 4 team.

Toledo Stingers

41-67 prediction; 62-46 last year

Key losses: IF Armando Alvarado, C Tsing Guao

Why this prediction is wrong: Stuck in payroll purgatory, Toledo wasn’t able to make any improvements this offseason. Due to some bullpen magic they were +4 wins in base runs last year. All that said, 41 wins is light for a team with Alf-Mart and Bishara.

SL

Thunder Bay Northern Lions BC

61-47 prediction; 62-47 last year, lost game 109 to get into promotion series

Why this prediction is wrong: Do you think ThunderScooter was concerned about his pitching? Thunder Bay signed every pitcher with a pulse and now just has to hope they’re as good offensively as they were in 2033. 61 wins won’t be enough to win the SL.

Richardson City Thundercats

59-49 prediction; 57-51 last year

Key additions: P Calvin Beck, P Kaz Hamada

Why this prediction is wrong: TJ hasn’t shaken off the OOTP rust, which will lead to RC going -10 on base run wins.

Nashville Outlaws

59-49 prediction; 68-40 last year, won the 3L

Key additions: P Ramon Molina, P Gustavo Lopez

Why this prediction is wrong: A .332 team BABIP is not sustainable, and if Dutch does it again he should be burned at the stake.

New Jersey Fenix

56-52 prediction; 63-46 last year, lost SL promotion playoffs

Why this prediction is wrong: The team made no moves this offseason, only watching its players get a year older and a year closer to their inevitable real fake death. So it goes.

Why this prediction is wrong: I don’t know why it’s wrong, I just hope they win more than 55 games so tbud talks more about fake baseball and less about football.

Athletic Club KC

55-53 prediction; 50-58 last year

Key additions: DH Melvin Castro

Why this prediction is wrong: ACKC has a lot of big arms and power bats. This is a 56-52 or 54-54 team.

Phoenix Hotspur

52-56 prediction; 39-69 last year, lost PL relegation series

Key losses: P Wes Hamm, P Mitchell Atwell

Why this prediction is wrong: Phoenix has a 43 Fan Interest. Michael has angered the OOTP Gods and they will not rest until this team is completely obliterated.

St. Louis Coeur

50-58 prediction; 26-82 last year, relegated from PL

Key losses: P Calvin Beck, 3B Cristo Gonzalez

Key additions: 2B Noel Ballard, 2B Nobuhisa Murakami

Why this prediction is wrong: CrosswordScooter was only relegated so he could rebrand his team. St. Louis will be promoted this year and go back to finishing between 5th and 7th in the PL for the next (in-game) decade.

New Amsterdam Dutchmen

48-60 prediction; 45-65 last year, won game 109 to avoid SL relegation series

Key losses: SS Mario Rivera, P Esteban Ruiz, P Jason Hamilton

Key additions: OF Kyu Kye

Why this prediction is wrong: The lineup has more holes that swiss, and the rotation stinks like limburger. This team is talented but old.

Seattle Aviators

46-62 prediction; 43-65 last year, won SL relegation series

Key losses: P Jon Biddon, P Quentin Bowers, C Seon Kim

Key additions: C Arlen Joysey, P Wes Hamm

Why this prediction is wrong: I don’t understand how this team scores any runs. Seattle was +3 according to pythag last year. They will play in more 1-run games than any other team.

3L

Houston 1837 BC

66-42 prediction; 58-50 last year

Key losses: OF Xavier Perez, SS Lionel McCloud, P Zalonte Hillary

Key additions: Kai-ge Choe

Why this prediction is wrong: Tyler’s the nicest guy, and has had a really bad run of luck. Over the last three seasons Houston is roughly -124 base run wins. We’re due for a good dice roll.

Greenville 84s

62-46 prediction; 55-53 last year

Key losses: P Alfonso Zapata

Key additions: Whoever he decides to call up

Why this prediction is wrong: I refuse to answer this until I know who Bosma is calling up.

Oakland Oaks

60-48 prediction; 65-43 last year

Key additions: P Luis Flores, P Julio Rodriguez

Why this prediction is wrong: Oakland added the best closer in the game and a good SP to a 65-win team, they’re not losing five less games this season.

Wizarding Express

58-50 prediction; 61-47 last year

Why this prediction is wrong: Wizarding had a quiet offseason. If UEBA taught me anything, it is that Chris will soon be beating me every year.

Why this prediction is wrong: Actually, Echo Park might have more 1-run games than Seattle.

Quebec City Les Bleus

57-51 prediction; 52-56 last year

Key losses: 1B Raul Aguirre

Why this prediction is wrong: One of these years Quebec City is going to stay pretty healthy, their bats are going to develop as well as their pitchers have, and they’re going to make the 3L playoffs. Is 2034 that year? Sure, whatever.

Why this prediction is wrong: Scooter lost the MVP and his entire family is sick. His SS signed with a league rival, meaning that Tumbleweed Morales is slated to be the team’s starting SS on opening day. It’s not going to be pretty, but it’s going to be entertaining.

Charleston Battery

53-55 prediction; 52-56 last year

Key losses: 1B Bats Benitez, 1B Gabriel Maldonado

Key additions: P Roberto Calderon and roughly 20 minor leaguers

Why this prediction is wrong: Joey Coco is worth 10 wins by himself.

Montana Pandas

50-58 prediction; 22-86 last year

Key losses and additions: I don’t have enough time

Why this prediction is wrong: Because the Pandas will look like a completely different team by the end of the season. It’s good to have Trader Panda back.

Brooklyn Dodgers

48-60 prediction; 44-65 last year, lost the SL relegation series

Key losses: 1B Yannick Henderson

Why this prediction is wrong: Only three players on this team are making more than $1M, and only two next year. This is a complete rebuild.

Kingston Township Knights

47-61 prediction; 47-61 last year

Key losses: 2B Juanito Gonzalez

Key additions: P Jesus Acosta, P Juan Diaz

Why this prediction is wrong: No team has ever finished with the same record two years in a row.