The courage to BE resides in the God who arrives when God disappears; the 'I' that arrives when 'I' disappears.

Full Moon Madness

Twenty-Sixth of March, 2005.

The full moon Madness. A forest rave. Raring to discover what it was all about – we journeyed for two hours to a beautiful forest, the music blaring so loud it could be heard for miles on any side. The mind filled with drugs, I sat there and tried to meditate, but couldn’t. Or was filled with doubt. Not usually the case, but it was on this day. It was cold, but I didn’t feel it. People dressed in casual hippy clothing were bouncing to the music from midnight to daybreak. When daybreak arrived you could turn to one side and see the full moon, turn to the other side and see the rising sun. Breathtaking. Yet my friend had no patience for it and wanted to leave. I stayed behind. Went adventuring through padocks and cowfields, sat under scenic trees, walked all the way up to the train-tracks. Jerked off there, an ode to the Goddess – it seemed. I was writhing with peace. Around seven pm we took a trip – acid – I hadn’t taken one since college. Been at least 7 years. Then the revelations began. Just when I didn’t care for revelations.

I had asked my friend what trips do to a person. He explained that it is hard to explain. You have sudden bursts of energy – which is quite magnificent to behold. You have all manner of hallucinations. I figured something at that moment – since it is hallucinations after all, momentary illusions, there is no point in trying to discover truth or enlightenment while on this drug. Better to enjoy the hallucinations for what they are. Illusions. The moment I decided this, so much liberation enveloped me. I was able to watch amazing events take place around me, and move on and leave it in the past. But most of all, I realised that reality and hallucinations are made of the same fodder – which is, nothing.

Twenty-Seventh of March, 2005.

The only thing I didn’t do was dance. But the past is past, and I will dance the next time. I stood there and watched the scene – I felt like a God. Again, a powerful hallucination – and I felt it knowing it was a hallucination, and enjoyed every moment of it. I felt myself create the whole Universe. There were lazerlights they had running, matrix-like and scanning through the trees in webbed layers. To watch this on acid seemed to affect my imagination in means of making the whole scenario seem like a moment to moment creation of the mind. My friend and I were watching the crowd engaged in their little worlds, and I said to him, “Look at this scene, it is like a choose your own adventure. Whichever crowd you go to will decide your night.”

At one moment I felt like every person was getting extraterestrial seeding. Like an evolved intelligence was planting beautiful thoughts into our minds – not on an indvidual level, but on a cosmic level. At another point I had the vivid hallucination of watching a dark predator race controlling us with desire-filled images. They feed off us by keeping us locked within our desires. This predator-prey image recurred many times this night. I went further with this to imagine that perhaps all truths can be understood by the predator-prey phenomenon. That it was a divine dance, and not a primal one. that the primal in itself is divinity manifest. There is no God-Devil battle… not in the sense of divinity verses chaos. But rather, the battle is an element of divinity. It is how lessons are learnt.

I felt no fear for the predators that control us. Infact, at one point I found myself sitting among them. They were giving me a choice, to choose the dark side, yet I remained neutral, and I watched. At another point I had the distinct sensation that I was in the rhelm of the auditors, or predators, a guard making sure we all stay in our illusion. Yet when people saw me, they realised I was standing in the dark – yet I was a man to be trusted. To them it seemed I had infiltrated the dark side to see how it works, and they walked away knowing they were in good hands – my hands.

The forest rave was decorated brilliantly, huge paintings of spiritual essences, Shivaic and Kali statues, mantras, all sorts of heavenly imagery to spark insight. But what overtook me was the moon. Diana. It was from her that I felt the gift of the night. I couldn’t resist the urge to feel the night was specially made for me. That this was my night. Yet, the thought redeemed itself when I realised that I was also everyone else. In this Union, the hallucination and the reality came together. It was indeed my night. For everyone there was me. One thing I remember clearly is walking through the forest and seeing all the trees as carcuses, bodies packed together in intricate well-maintained patterns – and the only thing that stood in contrast was the moon. I felt it to be a symbol. A symbol of the Goddess sending us into the deepest despair so that we may realise her everlasting beauty. As beautiful as these thoughts were, I didn’t allow myself to think that I was being enlightened. Instead, I was certain it was my imagination that was being entertained, and it mattered not at all. Call it a prayer, if you will. It was a night of prayer.

All except for one great paranoia that overtook me. I even saw Pixen in the form of a dog, protecting me, making sure harm never came my way. Yet when I doubted this, I was content to accept that maybe it wasn’t so. The paranoia was part and parcel with my hesitation to dance – of being embarassed by dancing – of stumbling, being watched, scrutinised. I stood in a corner and I watched, and the sensation grew louder and louder that everyone was talking about me, looking at me and gossiping to each other that I must be gay and that I don’t realise it. I even had the distinct experience of seeing every male at the rave to be a closet homosexual, every single one feigning nervous laughter as they passed me by. I didn’t deal with this very well. Well, I did and I didn’t. Turning ugly things into beautiful things, that’s what I felt my speciality was – yet today I knew beyond a doubt that it wasn’t my special ability – it is the ability of evolved intelligence.

Twenty-Eighth of March, 2005.

A wonderful moment of the night was sitting by the fire, among a few korean people, speaking in their own language. The fire was dancing to our voices, and I couldn’t understand them, yet that was a deep freedom. I was engrossed in the tone of their voices, in the personality of it – without judgement, our voices danced with the fire. I was dancing in so many ways on that night – every way but to physically dance. I didn’t deem it so important. I decided to go to sleep after that, though I was surging with acid. As I was about to sleep, I saw in the depths of my heart a four-thronged vajra blade, held together by celestial spring – gleaming diamond-gold. The moment I laid eyes upon it, it sprang, slicing my core in such heavenly precision that I felt a door unlock. Part of me explained that the Goddess had laid a gift for me that can only be found during my first homosexual intercourse. There is a revelation there waiting to be untapped. A gift to be unravelled. Another part of me said that I shouldn’t need to do anything at all for such revelations. I indulged in the thought of a homosexual experience, but the fear of distaste made me go to sleep.

I slept, and woke up during the night freezing to the bone. I had taken no blankets, I hadn’t even expected to stay an extra day. In search of warmth, I went and stood by fire after fire, but by now my paranoia was fixated. I felt everyone wanted me as far away from them as possible – but more so, I couldn’t get it out of my head that I must be coming across so gay to everyone. What wierd twisted thoughts they were – in exact opposition to the beautiful ones. Despair contrasted by everlasting beauty. Doubt is what it was, once again. We always come back to doubt. I should have danced. Yet that didn’t in the least ruin the night. It was a blessed occasion – a celebration of life. On this day I realised, while creating the Universe, that Life is Surprise itself. That the very fact that I exist is the surprise. I came away from the adventure calmer than I have been for a long long time. I came away realising that if I died right now, I would die happily. And if I lived, there is much to live for. All this happened because I expected nothing.

I realised that the best step would be to merge both my masculinity and feminity together into an intangible and simultaneously tangible dynamism. To block one or the other would never work for me. I would only be supressing my emotions. But to merge all of me into one – that would do the trick. By blocking, I am causing myself suffering – because I block myself from the world. I felt myself yearning for things that I didn’t really yearn for. I felt myself so lonely – and this was a good thing. Because I didn’t know why I was lonely. The loneliness would come for no reason, and leave for no reason. I could do nothing about it, so I won’t. There was even a strange freedom in this loneliness.