The world-famous email column

Issue #12 – “Another Crazy Semester” – December 1998

-How funny are class readings? At the beginning of the semester you’re like, I’m gonna do all the reading for all of my classes! About two weeks in you’re like, ok, I’m gonna skim all the readings for half my classes. By the end of the semester you’ve lost your notebook and you’re using your textbook to even out your coffee table.

-How come when I go home for Thanksgiving break suddenly I become “errand boy”? It’s like my parents saved every single thing they had to do for when I came home. My mom actually knocked the hubcap off my car a few weeks earlier and failed to mention it to me until I got home. Now that’s just where I wanted to spend my break, in a fucking greasy hubcap store!

-You know what? I just don’t like Dave Matthews. Is it some kind of college entrance requirement that you have to love Dave Matthews? Because it seems like no dorm room is complete without it playing constantly in the background. And I love it when people say, “Oh, I love Dave!” Like they know him personally or something.

-I think there are two types of girls in the world. The first kind will tell you honestly if their girl friend is hot. The second kind will say, “Oh, she’s cute.” no matter how nasty the chick is. Never let the second type set you up on a date. Ever.

-I am always amazed by the fact that people go home right after their last final. It absolutely blows my mind. Why the hell would you want to go right home after you’ve been studying for two weeks straight? What is there to do at home? Nothing! I always stay a minimum of two days after my last final and just get fucked up and I suggest you do it too.

-Isn’t it the worst when you drop your pen in class and it lands just out of reach? First you try to stretch and reach it without getting up. Then you try to drag it with your feet but that doesn’t work so you end up crawling on the floor like a fucking idiot while everyone in class is wondering what the hell you’re doing on the floor.

-We have the worst showers in my frat house. If anyone in the whole house flushes, the shower begins to alternate from freezing cold to thermonuclear hot every 25 seconds. And when it gets hot you have to do that little shower dance. You know what I’m talking about – you arch your back to avoid the burning water and hop on the balls of your feet to the corner of the shower. Then you have to acrobatically reach your hand around the scorching stream and try to get to the knob without burning off any necessary sexual organs!

-I love when kids brag about how high their school is ranked in the party school poll. They’re like, “Yeah dude, West Virginia, #7 party school in that nation, up two spots from last year!” First of all, no one cares. Second of all, being a top-ranked party school is the easiest thing to do. All that means is no one does any work and they have nothing better to do. That’s real tough. I’m surprised you can count all the way to 7 anyway.

-Pre-gaming is the best. Pre-gaming is of course when you drink large quantities before you even go out to make sure you never go anywhere sober. The funniest thing is that we will pre-game no matter what. We could be going to a top-shelf open bar and still take a couple of shots before leaving! The best is when you pre-game a little too hard and never make it out. Those always turn out to be the most fun nights, although the post-game usually involves throwing up and passing out.

-Quote of the Month: Dave D. from Penn, a graduating senior discussing finishing his last requirements this semester, remarked to me, “If I get through these courses, I’m never trying again.”

-Things that piss me off: people who call you up to ask you for a phone number, but when you start to give it to them, they don’t have a pen to write it down. Also, people who show you their watch if you ask them what time it is. If I wanted to look at a watch, I’d be wearing one, asshole! And finally, people who call me and then ask if they’re interrupting me and a girl. First of all, do you think I’d pick up the phone if I was with a girl? Second of all, if you thought I was hooking up, why the fuck did you call me in the first place?

-When you’re drunk, it’s like you’re eight years old all over again. You have no worries. You tend to yell and laugh for no reason. You take long naps. It’s funny when you fall down and you throw up a lot.

-Well, it happened again. Penn basketball beat Temple, the #6 team in the nation and when the game was over we stormed the court! After ripping down the goalposts and throwing them in the river a couple of weeks ago and now storming the court, this is just about the most school spirit we’ve ever had. I tried to stop my friend from being arrested and was subsequently beaten by security guards. It was awesome!

-The other day I was talking to a friend of mine who is a grad student here at Penn. I asked him if there were any hot girls in his classes, where most of the students are like 27 or 28 years old. He told me that there is one really cute girl, but she’s married. Married!? I can’t even fathom that kind of commitment at this point! I asked him if there was any chance he could hook me up with her. He didn’t seem to think so. Fuck me.