A Cynic's Quest For Love

Status: Rejected.

Two posts ago, I mentioned that one of my super awesome blog followers reached out to me via e-mail, which spurred me to jump back into this blog (even though I haven’t been dating). The young man (who I’ll call Carlos) lives in South America and did something really interesting after reading my blog… he decided to join online dating.

Now why in God’s green earth someone would read this blog and decide to join online dating is beyond me, but I hear this all the time. I can only speculate why someone would join online dating after reading my blog.. and you know how much I love to speculate! Maybe you realize, after reading about all the duds I’ve met on online dating, that you won’t be the worst person out there. Maybe you realize how crazy super awesome I am and think, ‘hey, there’s probably other girls out there just as cool as Carin is!’ Maybe you think, ‘hey, I like to cuddle! It sounds like everyone on dating sites likes to cuddle. This sounds like a fool-proof way to find a cuddling partner.’

However it came about, Carlos decided eHarmony was the site for him and he took one courageous step towards the tireless quest for love. He logged into the website. He filled out the world’s longest, most ridiculous survey so he could find his one true love, his future bride. He clicked ENTER, and then…

He was rejected.

I shit you not. This is a true story. He sent me this picture:

I feel like I really need to process this, because my mind is completely blown right now. I hope you’ll take this journey with me.

First of all, this is akin to those kids who took the SATs and then the school lost the tests (yes, I know they found them eventually). That eHarmony love survey is no joke. It took me the amount of time it takes to drink a whole case of beer by yourself. Not that those two things are related. Or maybe they are…

So after filling out this behemoth of a survey, it says “we are unable to find the right type of people for you.” The right type of people? What could that possibly mean? You can’t find someone out there with a job and a small amount of money squirreled away in savings? You can’t find someone who is the same religion and political affiliation as I am? Or, like, you can’t find someone who stands upright and have a face? Where’s the line in this situation?

And what could you have POSSIBLY written on this enormous, trauma-inducing survey that would reject you from ALL WOMEN!? As my mom says, “every pot has a lid.” (My mom’s basically a genius) I know some pretty weird people who are married. You’re telling me there’s not a right type of person for this guy? Does that make him a snail, an animal which mates with… itself!?

So obviously I needed to do a little research and I found a blog post by eHarmony called “What to do when you’re rejected.” The article begins: “Rejection in dating is a lot like rain in that it’s bound to happen sooner or later. The silver lining, however, is that being rejected doesn’t have to sting so badly as long as you learn to avoid taking the rejection too personally.”

Okay, but what if you’re rejected before you even start? What if you’re literally rejected from being rejected? eHarmony isn’t even giving poor Carlos the opportunity to have ladies reject him in a heartless, cruel, casual way that cuts him to the very core. They won’t even allow him to open his inbox to find those personalized messages he sent were never answered or the women he messaged told him to get lost. He doesn’t get to have that magical, life changing experience. Poor, poor Carlos.

So my question is, what’s the point of a dating service if it won’t let you date? And what would happen if all those rejected people weren’t rejected? Maybe eHarmony could have made a bunch of matches for those rejects … with each other.

So buck up, all ye poor rejects. Think of all the money you’ll save on dating services that you can use on video games or decks of Magic! cards. eHarmony might say you’re rejected from finding love… but they’ll give you a free “Personality Profile” so you can examine everything that’s wrong with yourself! See, there is always a silver lining.

Do you know how old he is? When my friends and I were in college, we all filled out eHarmony profiles one day and got the same result, and then found out that that’s their standard answer if you’re younger than 20. Not that they tell you that at any point, like, oh, when you’re entering your birthdate at the VERY BEGINNING before you spend all afternoon pondering what you’d like in a mate. Or even at the end, when they tell you that they don’t have anyone for you, not because you’re unmatchable, but because you’re way younger than everyone on their site. You have to freak out about it, Google it, and find out from a former eHarmony employee who wishes to remain anonymous that that’s the case. LAME.