Marketing

SAN DIEGO—Engaging in numerous protracted debates over such factors as character limits and ideal launch dates, employees of local marketing firm InterGauge have spent the last two hours gathered in their conference room to think up a hashtag that absolutely no one on earth will ever use, sources confirmed Thursday.

SAN JOSE, CA—Explaining how their new product expands on successful elements of today’s most popular apps, representatives from Luna Media told reporters Friday that the company’s new mobile app, Relode, is poised to revolutionize the way users waste both their time and money.

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Defiantly refusing to call the concert venue by the current title appearing on its facade and in promotional materials, Virginia Beach locals confirmed to reporters Tuesday their city’s renamed arena will always be the Verizon Wireless Amphitheater to them.

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

HOUSTON—Calling it a privilege to work in such a dynamic and collaborative environment, NASA social media manager Dustin Greer, 26, told reporters Wednesday he considers himself fortunate to be a part of the space agency’s team.

PHOENIX—Attempting to conceal its wrinkles while carefully brushing its fabric clean of lint and stray threads, local man David Cutler was said to be getting his futon all dolled up Thursday for a Craigslist photo shoot.

CHICAGO—Explaining that he’s always trying out new tactics and carefully crafted phrases in an effort to connect with members of the demographic group, sources confirmed Tuesday that local man Rob Benson spends the majority of both his work and personal life desperately attempting to appeal to women 18 to 34 years old.

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Calling it far and away the best initiative businesses can undertake to boost sales and brand awareness, a report released this week by Harvard Business School has found the most effective marketing technique remains handing out little versions of products.

COLUMBIA, MO—Just two weeks after requesting candid feedback on his work and a greater voice in department meetings, local marketing strategist Daniel Farragut told reporters Monday that he is beginning to regret asking to be taken seriously by his ...

ATLANTA—Noting the distinct lack of fanfare surrounding his departure last Friday, employees at Empire Marketing Solutions concluded that sales associate Brent Wheeler was not quite important enough to warrant a formal send-off on his last day of wo...

SAN LEANDRO, CA—Acknowledging that he has reached a stage in his life when he doesn’t quite seem to fit in anywhere, marketing experts confirmed Monday that local consumer Keith Eberhardt, 34, is entering that awkward period of transition betw...

ITHACA, NY—Acknowledging that he must accept the consequences of his actions, local 37-year-old Christopher McGwire told reporters Monday that he has no one else to blame but himself for the targeted pool toy advertisements that have been regularly ...

PHOENIX—In a custom that is said to be as old as the digital marketing agency itself, staff members of Thorpe Media listened in rapt fixation Wednesday to an oration of the epic saga of Doug Plasky, a company account manager whose tales of legendary...

NEW YORK—Suppressing all memories of his childhood dreams, DDB Worldwide marketing executive Gene Strassman reportedly spoke aloud instructions to himself to confront the day and begin his normal work routine Tuesday morning.

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Marketing

SXSW As Cool And As Real As It Gets, Reports Marketing Associate

AUSTIN, TX—While attending the fourth day of this year’s SXSW conference, Chicago-based marketing associate Tim Danner told reporters today that the music, film, and interactive festival is just about as cool, as alternative, and as real as it gets. “The great thing about South By is that practically everyone here is talking about the newest cutting-edge ideas, but the whole scene still has this super-chill underground vibe,” said the 33-year-old who went to business school, makes a six-figure salary, and develops marketing strategies for a living. “What I like most of all is that it’s not in New York or Los Angeles, but in Austin, which is like this cool little artsy town. That’s so awesome and so authentic, you know? And there are so many great indie rock bands playing here, too. I love indie rock music.” At press time, Danner was attending his 15th straight panel on the future of digital.