Wow. You must have licked lead paint chips as a baby. Try not to reproduce, as you are the poster child for a reform of the education system. You are a mental midget and you have been left behind. Open a book once in your life. Actually, you probably can’t read. Buy our box set of fun and educational DVDs instead. Just $129.99!

medium performance:

Not bad, but you still are a disappointment. Remember when your high school guidance counselor said you needed to apply yourself? They weren’t saying to focus on fast food, trash TV and incest. How can we expect our children to grow up to be ultra-nationalistic violent lunatics if we don’t brainwash them with slanted versions of past events? Fill in the gaps with our box set of fun and educational DVDs. Just $129.99!

excellent performance:

Impressive! You’re obviously a history geek with a lot of time on your hands rather than the smell of a recently ravaged woman. Imagine how much fun you could have with over 72 hours of documentaries! Don’t spend another weekend crying alone in your parents’ basement. Buy our box set of fun and educational DVDs instead. Just $129.99!