Waiting for Nothing

Do you ever have this gut feeling of your stomach twisting and turning into knots but you have no idea where or why it’s there? You have thoughts in your head in which you have no control over. You hear the screams for help inside your head but you don’t know what to do.

If you tell anyone, they will think you are being paranoid and psychotic. If you don’t tell anyone, they think you’re hiding secrets from them, that you don’t trust them enough to tell them everything. But deep down inside, you could feel the blood rushing through your bones, it wants to be let out, it wants to go, but you use all your energy and strength to hold it in, for fear that you would hurt the people you love around you.

You think you’re going crazy, but the screams won’t go away. You’re getting tired, exhausted. You’ve mentally tried to fight the screams in your head, you tell them that they are irrational, that they’re not true, that they don’t exist. Your mind and your heart are at war.. but how long could you hold up until you cave in?

You feel this fluttering in your chest, a feeling of impending doom, like a prolonged panic attack. You try your best to smile at work so you could forget the pain inside, the cries for help. You want so badly for someone to understand you, so that you don’t feel alone, but your mind tells that no one will, that you are all alone in this scary place. Your chest all of a sudden gets heavier, your breathing quickens, your heart is racing, but all you’re thinking about is calming yourself, trying to hold up the fort as long as you can.

What happens when you can no longer protect what little rationality that you have left? Why do you have to choke back the tears day after day, night after night? Why can’t this pain go away? Why can’t the voices let you go? What do they want from you? You’re screaming as loud as you can from deep within.

The monsters of your soul won’t let you go. You beg and you plead, you even picture yourself on your knees, but they don’t even blink an eye. They are a part of you, yet they could care less about how you feel, they just want you to be miserable, to give in. Their sole purpose is to affect you enough that you give up. You give in to the voices. You let your life waste away, telling yourself that you should have fought harder.. that you should have resisted them better.. that you should have asked for more help…

In the end, after you close your eyes, you just hope for one person, only one person to hold your hand until it goes cold. Be there for you through your last few breaths.. to kiss and love you until the end.. to tell you to please don’t go… to see the light leaving your soul.. to know that there is one person in this cruel world that loved you, that would miss you once you’re gone.