We have a new
president-elect and signs of hope are everywhere, from celebrations in the
streets of urban America at the prospect of the first clinically-sane president
in eight years, to the victory laps of homophobic suburbia over gay rights
rollbacks. Things are looking so hopeful that, even on the brink of the
biggest failure in U.S. business history, leaders of the Big 3 auto industry
flew to the nation’s capital this week -- on individual
private jets – to appear before Congress
seeking $25 billion to tide them over
till payday. (Approximate cost of 3 private jet
trips: $60,000.00. Cost of a round trip commercial airline
ticket from Detroit to Washington, DC: about 500 bucks. Irony:
Priceless!)

Together,
the
CEOs of General Motors, Ford and Chrysler have presided over the biggest
business disaster since Enron decided to market New Coke under the name “Edsel.” In the first half of 2008,
the Big 3
lost a combined $28.6 billion dollars, continuing a trend as consistent as Amy
Winehouse’s downward spiral: FORD has lost more than 75%
of its stock
value under the
expert guidance of CEO Alan Mullally, who rode to the rescue of the ailing auto
company in August of 2006, “earning” $28 million dollars for 4 months of work. When
Rick Waggoner assumed the reigns of General Motors in 2001, its
stock was trading in the 60s, and as high as $94 per share. Today, you can buy
GM for under 3 bucks a share, its lowest level
since World War II
when, if you believe old people with spotty memories, things were pretty
crummy.

By most estimates, Chrysler has lost at least
$2 billion in two years -- making Chrysler
the fair-haired sibling of these rotten kids. But as a
privately-held company since August of 2007, Chrysler isn’t required to divulge
earnings, profit, loss or, luckily for CEO Robert Nardelli, executive
compensation. Nardelli will only
cop to $1 in yearly “salary” but refuses to discuss “other compensation,” which
history tells us is the lion’s share of executive recompense, like what a Vegas
hooker can steal from your hotel room before you wake up. (Nardelli’s own history suggests he’ll
be looking out for himself: after presiding over a 40% loss in the company’s value,the “disgraced”
former CEO of Home Depot was dismissed
in 2007 after earning $38 million the year before -- and handed an additional $210 million in severance to cushion the
landing.)

So naturally
these CEOs, in reaching out for unprecedented government assistance after
enriching themselves with combined salaries in the hundreds of millions of dollars, have assumed full
responsibility for
their Titanic-level failure, and even offered to step down and cede control to
more responsible stewardship… like, say, drunken monkeys? Right? Um, no.

In fact, across a
variety of media outlets, the blame for the failure of the U.S. Auto industry
has been steered away from the bone-headed strategic decisions made by these
captains of industry and laid right where it belongs: on wasteful union
extravagances, like a living wage, basic health care and meager pensions.
We’ve been told “some” UAW
workers earn more than $70 an hour and that UAW bosses
make “extravagant salaries.”Look for the union label, it’s made of spun gold!

As it
turns out,
that $70 per hour figure is inflated to include health and pension benefits – and the healthcare and retirement costs of all
retired workers. In fact, the
average union assembly
line worker makes about $28 per hour… and those “extravagant
UAW salaries”? UAW President Ron Gettelfinger earned a
base salary of $145,126 for 2006.
The union’s officers combined made $2.9 million in 2006.
That’s lunch money for America’s corporate CEOs… after
which, for effect, they will drink your milk
shake!

And 70
bucks an
hour – however inflated to inspire a sense of outrage in the little guy at home
watching his about-to-be-obsolete analog TV – is a pittance compared to the $622,000 average annual salary of a Goldman Sachs
employee in the year
the company ran up record profits on dubious investments that have since
collapsed, taking the banking, housing, automotive and milk shake markets with
it... or, for that matter, our indignant public servants (even excluding pay to retired or dead Senators, and additional compensation like free health care, life insurance, full pensions,
and office expenses ranging from $2 million and
up, a Congressperson’s salary is currently $169,300). Toss in the
compensation of our our apoplectic news anchors (Bill O’Reilly recently re-upped at FOX News for $10 million a year, or roughly ten bucks
for every time he makes you want to vomit), and our collective hysteria over the amateurish greed of union thousand-aires
seems a little silly.

But regardless
of
troublesome true facts, the table has been set for more union givebacks, and
even the very real possibility of allowing one of the Big 3 to fail as a way to
dismantle the impotent remains of a formerly-virile union that once knocked up
a working class with low self esteem into a radiant middle class. And what will management give
back? The joke is, that a guy who
was paid a quarter of a billion dollars over the course of one year, like Nardelli, could in fact subsist on a $1 annual
salary. For many, many
lifetimes. And Waggoner, who negotiated
a retirement package of $4.6 million dollars per year even in the event of
bankruptcy,
could similarly
stand to
forego some of the excessive compensation “owed” him, if not exactly “due.”

But of
course
they won’t. And don’t count on our
easily-outraged national media, or equally purple-faced representatives in
Congress, to shift accountability away from a suspect target – unions – toward
the three guys who think private jets are the only way to fly.

It's a lot to ask for prudent decision-making at the
top... at least until the drunken monkeys take over.

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accurate, "Eat The Poor" also contains elements of parody, including exaggeration and ridicule, regarding events, public figures,
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