Marco Van Taco ¦ Writer

“I thought they’d be swooning” Marc says in confidence at a recent Smoking Duck writers meeting. “I’ve been writing these satirical articles all year and I haven’t got laid yet. I go to the parties and tell all the girls, even at Yours and Owls….nothing….I got nothing. Don’t girls love creative comedy gold!?”

Sadness drips from his face in the form of soft, tear-shaped water droplets, as everyone else awkwardly tries to evade consoling Marc.

John decides to eventually interrupt the tiresome sobbing, “Ummm it’s just…it’s just not that impressive to everyone else. If you wanted to get laid, you should have joined a club girls swoon, like the Rugby club, or the Harry Potter club.”

“Why do you think we all change our names when writing our articles? It’s not to be mysterious, it’s so we can’t be traced back to the god-awful material we write”, said the Smoking Duck president, who wishes to remain unnamed for this article.

“Maybe next year it will be cool to write for the Smoking Duck, and then you will get laid,” Josh states with a hopeful uprising in tone at the end of the sentence.

“I’ve told all my friends from other unis that I’m drowning in snapchats from female admirers. Truth be told, joining this club has ruined my chances with any girl. I even got turned down for a graduate job because of the interviewer noticing the Smoking Duck was on my resume. Who the hell thought it would be a good idea to write an article about having sex in the university toilets!?” Marc said sniffling.

As the whimpering continues, the president slowly ushers Marc out the door, sick and tired of his constant yapping. Calling the meeting to an end, he quietly instructs everyone else to not be distracted by the endless fornication that has fortunately come their way since the announcement of the Smoking Duck’s inaugural magazine, and to continue pumping out the great articles.