Navigation

Fan Fiction: Christians vs Dinosaurs

Three plumes rise on the horizon, white columns of dust and exhaust swirling together in the arid sky.

Three motorcycles speed across the endless expanse. Three riders leaning into the wind without expression.

There, a speck in the distance. The speck becomes a dot, then a man. It is Michael Tait, lead singer of The Newsboys. The riders bring their motorcycles to a stop in front of him.

One by one, the riders take off their goggles. Russell Moore. Justin Bieber. Whit, from Adventures in Odyssey. They are dressed in white t-shirts and denim jackets. Headbands and various beaded accessories. They are cool…very cool. This is a cool boys motorcycle club.

“You’re a long way from anywhere,” Russell Moore says, tossing Tait an ice-cold Pepsi.

Tait catches the soda and stares at it for a long moment.

“God’s not dead,” the singer whispers.

Moore revs the engine of his bike. The other two riders do the same.

“We know,” says Moore over the drone of the bikes. “But Ken Ham made a mess, and we have to go fight some dinosaurs now.”

*****

So anyway, after the Battle of Alcatraz, Ken Ham went back in time and even though everybody thought he was going to rebuild the Tower of Babel, actually it was a trick: he was going back to steal some dinosaur eggs. Then, while Pastor Justin Bieber and his team of Christians were back in time witnessing to Charles Darwin and dropping freestyles on Joseph Stalin, Ham snuck back to the present with the dinosaur eggs so he could build a Jurassic Park for creationists. It would be just like Heritage USA, except without all the financial mismanagement. Also, it would have dinosaurs.

So Ken Ham hatched all the dinosaurs and opened up a theme park in Florida called GENESAURS, because that’s the word you get when you combine Genesis + Dinosaurs and yeah, the name sounded better than it looked in print, but whatever. Anyway, someone let all the dinosaurs out of their enclosures and they started eating everyone.

So Christianity sent a bunch of Evangelical Thought Leaders™ to Florida with laser guns and nets and told them to stop the dinosaurs before all the Baptists got eaten.

*****

GENESAURS Theme Park, Florida

So anyway, the first wave of Christians who were sent into the dinosaur park were having a lot of trouble. Turns out fighting dinosaurs is tons more hard than writing woke think pieces or whatever. A lot of the Christians had been eaten already, like most of Casting Crowns and also Eugene Peterson because he tried to switch sides and be on the dinosaurs’ team. The whole park was just one big mess: fires, rubble, dinosaurs running around, random evangelicals shooting laser guns… it was like an SBC meeting.

Jonathan Merritt was hiding in a shell crater and yelling into one of those old-timey backpack phones that soldiers use in war movies. He was all like “send in Hillsong! Do you copy?” but the phone wasn’t even connected to anything, he was just doing it to look cool. It totes did look cool.

Pat Robertson, who was infinity years old, shuffled past the crater. He leveled a laser rifle in his hands, picked out a target in the distance, double checked to see if the safety was off–and honestly this took like an hour–and then he squeezed the trigger. A bright blue bolt shot out of the gun and the kick sent Robertson flying backwards through the air so far he went over them mountains, Napoleon.

High above, Jim Bakker was circling the battle in an old WW1-era biplane, dropping his buckets of apocalypse food at the dinosaurs and trying to squish them. Only problem was, he had a big ol’ fancy pilot scarf that kept blowing in his eyes and he couldn’t really see where the buckets were landing.

Then a velociraptor climbed into the crater next to Jonathan Merritt and was like ROARRRRR and that sucker was about to eat Jonathan but all of a sudden someone threw a net over the raptor and yep, it was Sandi Patty. She was dressed in a camouflage pantsuit and her face was streaked with black paint. Then she blasted that mean old dinosaur with her laser gun and guts went everywhere. Then she twirled her gun, cool guy-style, and winked at Jonathan Merritt.

Then Bibleman ran past them and was like “FOLLOW ME, FOLLOW ME TO GLORY” and he charged straight ahead but like 20 raptors jumped on him.

Jonathan Merritt looked at Sandi Patty and was like “yo girl, we losin’.”

But then there was a cool guy yell and all the dinosaurs looked up like WHAAAA and Russell Moore, Pastor Justin Bieber, and Whit came surfing in on a huge wave. Also, the theme park was right next to the ocean. Russell Moore jumped off his surfboard and did a karate kick into a raptor and then he started twirling his nunchucks and all the raptors attacked him but he was all like, “oh, you want some?” and “here’s some for you, too” and he just kept whacking them in the face super hard and the whole time he was beating up raptors he didn’t curse; not even one little smidge.

Justin Bieber dove off his surfboard, did a cool twist move, then landed on the ground, no sweat. The collar of his denim jacket was popped and he was looking real good. Instead of a weapon, he had a suitcase in his hands. As the dinosaurs closed in on him, he set the suitcase on a pile of rubble and opened it up. Then he was all like “let’s make a joyful noise” because of course the suitcase was actually a turntable with all the fancy DJ buttons on it. And Justin Bieber started playing a praise song except it was an EDM praise song and the dinosaurs were like WHAAT and Justin was like “every knee will bow” and then he made the beat drop and it went like WOW BOW-WO-WO-WOW and it was so radical that all the dinosaurs were blasted to the ground and then they ran back inside their cages.

Then some of the other Christians came running up. Ted Cruz and Shane Claiborne shut the raptor pen and locked it and then gave each other a high five that was supes awkward. Shane was real sad because during the battle one of the dinosaurs had chomped off his dreadlocks, so Ted Cruz was like “Rich Mullins would still be proud of you” and it made Shane feel a teensy bit better.

Then Whit found Ken Ham lying on the ground, injured and pinned underneath some debris. Whit was like “who let the dinosaurs out of their cages?” and Ken Ham was all like “I DID” and he pulled off his mask and PLOT TWIST it was actually Bill Clinton this whole time. Then Bill Clinton pushed a button that said DANGER, T-REX and then the T-Rex pen opened up and here came the T-Rex just smashing and chomping everything. First, that mean old dinosaur broke Pastor Justin Bieber’s turntable. Then it stepped on Whit and flattened him, but Whit was just a cartoon so he probably just needed to be redrawn or whatever.

Then Alan Noble, who was floating through the ether watching the whole thing, was like “they need a good Presbyterian right about now” and suddenly a shadow fell over the theme park and everybody was like WHAAAT and a man stepped out into the open and he had a cardigan covered in red sequins and one glove with jewels on it and also he was wearing a fedora.

“I’m sorry, did someone call for a Presbyterian?” said the man–and guess what, everybody–it was Mr. Rogers.

Then Mr. Rogers did a cool spin move and moonwalked across the pavement and then he took off his fedora and threw it like a frisbee and it went WHIRRRRRRR and that hat went like this, do you see what I’m doing with my hands, and it hit the T-Rex and got its attention. Then the T-Rex was all like RAAAAARGH and opened its mouth real wide and then Mr. Rogers got a running start and jumped right into the T-Rex’s mouth and went down its throat. Then there was a bright glow coming from inside the T-Rex because Mr. Rogers was opening up a portal to the Neighborhood of Make-Believe and suddenly the giant dinosaur disappeared, because it was sucked into the other realm where Mr. Rogers and King Friday would be teaching it all about manners and friendship and how to talk about its dinosaur feelings.

Even Alan Noble was like “not bad.”

But then there was a rumble and the ground broke open and yep, it was Shredder’s drill vehicle that he makes underground tunnels with. The door popped open and Bill Clinton jumped inside. Shredder was like “we’ll get you next time, Christians!” and then the drill vehicle went back down the hole and disappeared.

Then all of the Christians who were left went over to the hole and started moping and stuff because the bad guys got away. Kate Shellnutt walked up and she was dressed in a boonie hat and had a bandolier of shotgun shells over one shoulder. She stared down into the dark tunnel and was all like “PRAYER OF JABEZ!” because that’s what she said when she got hella angry.

Then Russell Moore came over and handed out Testamints to everybody. He was like “Shredder. Why am I not surprised” and he did a cool-guy laugh.

For a moment everyone just stood there sucking on their Testamints. A warm, gentle breeze rolled in off the ocean. It had been a good day: the dinosaurs were defeated, and Christianity was saved.

In the distance, a bucket of Jim Bakker’s apocalypse cheese sauce fell from the sky and shattered onto the concrete, sending processed cheese goop everywhere. And the Christians had to laugh, because what is that cheese goop, anyway.