fear

I can be very good at pretending. Pretending I am strong, pretending I can overcome my past and pretending I do not have issues. The only way my pretending works is if I do not allow myself to get close to anyone, as long as I focus more on others than on myself. This strategy has worked well most of my life. Sometimes things hurt too much to think or deal with them. Sometimes verbally speaking about my issues is too hard because if I say it then they will be real. Honestly, most of my life the one complement that is most repeated to me is that I am strong. I almost feel as if I am letting everyone down by having emotions, by being weak, by being vulnerable. Not only am I letting people down, I am letting myself down because I am giving my strength away by being human (as strange as that seems). The simple reality is that I have survived up until this point by pretending. I pretended I was ok and never put my problems on anyone when my father was sexually abusing me. When my husband was abusive, I did the same. I did not know there was another way to survive in this world. In fact, surviving is pretty much all I have done up until this point.

Thankfully, I am no longer in crisis mode. For the first time in my life, my life is mine. Finally, at 28, I have control of my life and can blame nobody for my actions, feelings, thoughts, or situation. At first, I was unsure how to handle this new power. It was so severe I was unable to make the choice to go for a walk with the kids because it felt wrong. I felt I needed permission and I could not make the decision to do anything on my own. That was a year ago. But today things are different.

I have grown more this past year than I have probably my whole life. I see more, I know more, I love more and I am finding myself. Two years ago if you told me I would be where I am today, I would have laughed at you…thought you were crazy. I “knew” better than to leave my husband, I “knew” better than to take him to court and I sure as hell “knew” that divorce and filing for custody were not options for me. I had no control, no safety, no trust. My entire life evolved around making an abusive, drug addict who hated everything (including me) happy. It was impossible. The more I sacrificed money, my self respect, my thoughts, my freedoms, the more I lost myself. My thoughts were no longer my own, they were entwined with his and in no way was this a good thing. I was barely a shell of a human…no longer a woman, no longer a mother, and certainly no longer a wife. I was scum, a parsite, stupid and every negative thing.

Abusers choose people who love, people who have compassion, people with empathy. They break you down and make you believe it is all your fault. Every action they do is to control you, to hurt you, to fuel their own ego and inadaquacies. It works well for the abuser because a normal loving human could not imagine doing what the abuser does. A normal human tries to figure out why someone would do those things. A normal human loves and trusts their spouse. So, when their spouse tells them that everything is their fault…they eventually believe it because nothing else makes sense.

I assumed that when I left I would be the person I can be, the person God made me to be and that the past would be the past. I was wrong. It is not that simple. After the initial shock of leaving, things do get better. 1000X better than living in an abusive relationship. But you are not healed, there are still lingering deep deep issues.

My main goal right now is to retrain the way I think. The subconscious is more powerful than I know, but it is not impossible to change. If I speak to a domestic violence survivor, I can tell them the truth. Everything they need to hear. My heart and brain know that every single word I speak is truth, “You are not to blame”, abusers “Choose to abuse”, and that how they are feeling is normal. The problem is that try as I might, I believe I am different (although I can not pinpoint why or how). The things that are true for others are not true for me. I have basically been brainwashed and knowing the truth does not make it true in my gut.

Now, all my life I have been in survival mode. Abused my more people than I care to remember. Never having a say over what happens to my body. Never having a voice. Never being loved or loving myself.

I am done being in survival mode. I am done scrapping by. I am done pretending. Silence fuels the problems. Ignoring issues allows them to fester. I have been hurt too much, by too many people and I am unwilling to hurt myself any longer.

The county that I live in has nobody to pay for supervised visits with children.
My lawyer advised that termination of parental rights is not possible, so I need to find someone willing to supervise.

The only people I know and trust in Missouri are 5 hours away. They are my husbands dad and stepmom.
I dropped two bombshells on them today. One that I filed for divorce and two that I wanted them to supervise once a month for the next 18 years…

My husband has not spoken to them since the day after I got the restraining order. So 6 months with no contact at all. They believe he was on drugs and stole from them.
Well, I asked his stepmom and she said her first reaction is yes…but she is concerned because of the lack of relationship but mainly the fact that they do not trust him and think it will not be long before police are called. I think they are the perfect people to supervise and possibly move away to no visits at all.
The kids are not safe with him, I am not safe around him even his dad and stepmom do not feel safe. They are glad he has decided he wants nothing to do with them.
His stepmom will be calling my lawyer and hopefully they can come to an agreement.

I hate being forced into visits when he has not asked a soul about the kids in 6 months and he is hella dangerous. Honestly visits are not worth my childrens lives or my life. He is not above homicide and it scares me shitless.

I wish there were an easy solution. But there is none.

I need to relax and give it to God. I can not control anything but myself…not my husband, not my father or mother in law, not my lawyer or the judge. I am sick with worry and I cant get rid of it. I am throwing up and sick to my stomache…I cant concentrate on what I need and I cant stop thinking.

Just gotta keep giving it away. Stop stressing. Ask God to handle it and give me peace. I can not enjoy today worrying about tomorrow or dwelling on the past.

On a side note….I finally simply let go of my fixation on other peoples issues. I have enough in my own life and everyone must walk their own path. I have lost my jealousy of others being sinful (vengeful, sexually, managing money, lying, stealing etc).
I am at peace with following Christ and not lusting after sinful actions. I am not perfect…i still have issues…but going from being jealous of other peoples sinning to focusing on living right is a big step for me.

A few weeks ago, I applied for divorce. I have a lawyer and I asked for full custody, no visitation and for my husband to sign his rights away.
It was not an easy choice. Well, I knew divorce was the only option for me, but the aspect regarding the kids was hard.

I know without a doubt the only way the kids and I can be safe and happy is no contact. For us to completely remove ourselves from the situation, abuse and harassment for good. He has abused me, the kids, hurt me in front of them, and done awful stuff.
He has threatened to kill our children and has used them as “bait” to get to me to hurt me and kidnap me. I am terrified that if he is involved things will be bad…and people will die.
I have had ZERO contact since I got the restraining order in September. So 6 months…he does not know where I am hiding and I feel this is the calm before the storm.
He has not yet been served and I pray that he simply does not fight this. I know if he is sober, he should realize what he has done and give me and the kids what we need…peace, safety and security. However…if he fights it and claims I should trust him, I know he is still delutional and not to be trustes.
So nerve racking…not knowing if I will be allowed to be safe or if I will need to have him close in our lives. If he fights it…I will aim for supervised visits that he pays the state to watch him watch the kids for a few hours a month. Even that…is not safe and makes me almost throw up.

I feel so stupid…for marrying him, then having three kids with him and never thinking about what would happen if we seperated or if his abuse got as bad as it did or if he got into meth really bad. I never thought about anything except that we would be together and raise our kids together. I never left the option of divorce as an option. I was determined to make it work. But it takes two people…
Good night folks….I went and got myself all upset with me.

So…I filed for child support today. Honestly…I am kinda proud of myself. Took me almost 4 months to do.

I am wondering if I am getting stronger, breaking free or being irresponsible and stupid due to a false sense of safety.

It has almost been 4 months since he has hurt me, and a full 2 months since I have has ANY contact with him. I moved 3 times and changed my number…so he couldn’t contact me if he wanted to.

The thing is….child support is a HUGE no no for my husband. Completely unacceptable and a crime he believed is worthy of death….especially if the person filing TAKES the kids without the other persons consent. Eek. Very harsh. My husband had a 12 year old and the mother of his son took the baby before the baby turned one and hasn’t made contact since. She never filed child support…never wanted anything to do with my husband (who was 17 when his son was born). Before we got married I asked about him paying child support…and be said “she won’t file..she isn’t stupid. She knows I’ll kill her if she tries that bullshit.” Yet…like a dumbass I married him. Anyway…the while child support situation was explained to me more than I can count…don’t do it…or he will end my life.

I am stuck between being afraid (because I don’t think it is an idol threat), being cocky because it has been a while since he had hurt me, and being pissed off because he SHOULD do his part.

I guess the cocky and angry outweighed the fear this time. Can’t decide if it was stupid or not yet.

On my walk though…I got to thinking. Which wasn’t really a good thing. My mind was racing, my thoughts spinning, my logic flawed. Not good. It was fine till I walked by this house I love. A huge brick Victorian home, built in the late 1800s. Huge, immaculate, made of red brick. The windows are spotless, the fall leaves decorate the yard. It is a dream home. I allowed myself to imagine having it as my own. I imagined what if looked like inside, how I would feel walking around inside…then my heart began go race, my pulse and breathing quickened. I was frozen terrified. But not exactly sure why. I had a full fledged panic attack simply by looking at this beautiful home. Everything was fine, then I thought about him being in the home with me…and it was terror. To be in such a huge home..with no way to escape. With no one to hear the screams…with so many places to be shoved away for days…for weeks. Forever.

After a few minutes…it was over and I went on my way.

But I began to question myself, my logic, why I freaked. I wondered if maybe I am a crazy person who is over reacting. Who needs to go back to her husband…the dad of her 3 babies. Maybe…one more chance is worth a lifetime…or maybe it would cost my life.

I think of myself as pretty logical person, but what if I am over reacting? What if he wouldn’t kill me? He almost did too many times…but he didn’t. So I might be must being stupid.

Then after going around and around with myself…I stopped and logic kicked in once again.

If I am overreacting that would still be better than his over reacting. I am sorry if he is truly hurting…but he probably isn’t really hurting. But if he is…I am ok with that. My hurting is still going on too…I never wanted this. I got put in a position that I tried to sent for years…that I danced around…that I tried to fix.

it wasn’t a quick journey to get here…so I can’t expect a quick solution.

I do not like looking over my shoulder, being afraid of being found, being unable to connect with those I love out of fear that I will be found and killed.

I am lucky. I know this now. Many women who have been through things similar to me simply never made it out alive. So dispute my pain, my fear, my issues…I am thankful that God allowed me to do what needed to be done to survive, that was was given an out and that I was able to take the chance when it was given to me.

I had options to leave, in fact….I literally ran out the door to the convenience store I believe over 60 times in a 6 month period earlier this year. Each time he chased me….begging me to come back, promising to change. I fell for it again and again…even though I knew better.

The time that haunts me was when we had been locked in the apartment for just over a week. He was smoking dope non-stop, not sleeping, had the windows covered with blankets nailed 1 inch apart and the door barricaded with furniture. He believed I was poisoning his drinks, stealing and poisoning his dope and that I had people sneaking in to “fuck me”. The apartment had night vision cameras set up along with audio recorders and he also used his phone to keep tabs on everything. Anyway…he told me repeatedly…I would not make it out of the apartment alive, that he would kill me, my sister, my brothers, my mom, everyone I loved if I left. During that week…he raped me, bashed my head into the wall because I didn’t want to have sex with him, ripped open my c section stitches, verbally abused me, refused to let me outside or even use a phone, gave me two black eyes, a broken tooth, a huge far lip, bruised ribs, more bumps than I know on my head, bruises on my neck from being choked. At this time…my youngest was not even 2 months old. I still had my c section staples in because I couldn’t leave to go to the doctor. (eventually…he removed them himself with wire cutters). My boys were 14 months and 28 months old. Anyway….he left me in the living room and walked to the back bedroom. After a minute…I took my chances…and ran. Leaving the kids behind. I will never forgive myself for that choice.

I ran wearing only a t shirt and panties..no pants, shoes, bra. I got to the store and say on the curb…and waited. I knew it wouldn’t take long for him to show up. Within 5 minutes…he was there….without the kids. He told me I needed to go home, that he didn’t understand why I left, that he loved me, and he promised never to hurt me again. I told him I didn’t believe him…that I was going to call the cops and say that our kids were alone at home and I was afraid to go get them. He convinced me that I would have the child neglect charges and that cps would take the kids from me. So…I went home with him…about half hour after I left. I cried the whole way home and he repeated over and over that I was ok and safe. When we pulled in the driveway….I was in hysterics. He said “baby girl, I know I have hurt you and you don’t trust me. I will sit in the car until you trust me and ask me to come in”. Sounded too good to be true…but I took it. I believed him.

As I walked up the stairs I could hear my 2 month old screaming. I unlocked the door….saw that he was still in the car and looked inside and the apartment wax pitch black. The baby was on the floor and her older brothers were on top of he. I ran and picked the baby up and as I did the apartment began to shake. He was coming! Running up the stairs with a furry…taking 2 steps at a time. I don’t remember his saying a word as he ran across the living room and pounced on me. I threw the baby and begged him to make sure she was ok first. But he didn’t listen. Her screams will haunt me. My utter hopelessness…thinking I would die unable to save my hurt baby. Breaks my heart….something I pray I will never face again.

The beating went on for well over a hour. I am surprised I survived. But I did. All 3 babies were in the room the whole time…although it was pretty dark…they heard it all.

Come to find out….he cut the power before he left, left the kids there as a trap and planned the whole thing. Sickening really.

I don’t know why people do what they do. All I know is what he is capable of…and I don’t like it and I will never be able to be safe if he knows where we are….