Tag: crying

I’ve been sitting out here for about a hour now. In my very own piece of the world… my quiet backyard. Feeling the wind ruffle through my hair and hands. Listening to the soundtrack of my life as played by the rustling trees….. I do this often.

I spend my time gazing up at the stars. Watching them, following them… and of course wishing on them. Light years away, I wonder if they’re looking down on me as I struggle and as I conquer…

A tear gleans down my cheek…. for almost no reason at all. It’s just so beautiful, and tragic … I plead up at them for a sign, any sign … close my eyes take a long deep breath with the current and feel a full stream of tears fall.

I open my eyes to bid them goodnight, as I always do … and just then… the perfect moment for the universe to acknowledge me…. a shooting star! I mean, what are the chances anyone else was watching at that exact moment in space time…. no, I have no doubt– it was for me. A wink and a smile from the kind and generous universe to keep going. Keep looking up, keep making wishes darling….

Please let this be a sign that my miracle is on its way, spinning all the star stuff together to send a precious miracle my way.

Every year, on this day… for the last decade I’ve made the same wish. Please, let this be the last year. The last year I have to hide from the internet, smile when I don’t want to, and act like I’m not being torn apart from the inside out. Please let this be the last year that I have to spend Mother’s Day with an honorary title…. not that I don’t love being a “Dog Mom” or Auntie– it’s just not enough for me. It’s not. So like the ones before it here I am this Mother’s Day, with tears in my eyes making the same wish.

Man. Shit is complicated these days!!! There isn’t a word for how I feel… and I feel like there should be and THAT makes me feel things! I’ve tried several times today to catalog the feels, to write them out and failed. Tried again and failed harder. This draft… might see the light of day, but I’m still debating. All day long I’ve tried to gift wrap this… these feelings. At one point I just thought…nope it’s not gonna happen. Just maybe, don’t acknowledge it at all. Who says I have to?? But that feels disingenuous too…. so here I am. Trying to scotch tape these feelings into something I can explain to the world….

I dunno… lonely. Lonely is a thing I feel. But not like, how you normally think of it. My oldest and best fertility friend is now pregnant. I can not express how wonderful that is, and how freeking excited I am for her– she DESERVES THIS!!!!!! But…. I’m alone now. And it’s hard…

We are going to start trying again… soon! Finally…. it’s exciting. And terrifying. There are a million questions racing through my brain at any given point … none of which I should be asking. Not the least of which goes something like…. “wonder if this is gonna work”… And the only answer I can muster I boosted from Captain America….

I’m doing my best to be positive and to say nice things, but if I’m really honest I’m terrified. Terrified of all the questions I can’t ask, and can’t answer. I’m terrified that I’ve come all this way only to have the door slammed in my face – or worse – opened for an instant and then slammed with the explosion of a failed pregnancy–again! I lived through the horror once I don’t know if I could make it out a second time and OF COURSE I’M SCARED OF THAT!!!! But I have to try!!!! Even with all that fear how could I not TRY!?!!!

*internally screaming … and sobbing real tears* this is what I mean… there’s no word for this. Truly…. I’m Hopefully Terrified Confused Apprehensive…. and just a little bit Numb. I need that word… whatever it is.

So today… as usual, I made my wish. I pictured the life I want so the universe can send it to me. I promised myself and the universe I would believe that what is meant for me will always find a way… and really yearn to trust that my most perfect life is somehow on its way.

To every manner of woman who is or desires motherhood… I see you. I appreciate all the tiny sacrifices that make a Mom no matter how that looks in your world.

Hey!! It’s been a minute!!!! It’s been several actually since I had enough headspace, clarity and wit to compose anything worth publishing. I have all of those things now, so here we go.

I had a pretty rough week. It wasn’t all bad, it wasn’t great but it was rough. It was emotional, I discovered some shit and I’m happy to share- as usual!

To update, at this point in my weight loss I have lost 106lbs and it’s FUCKING AMAZING! It has been 11 months, I’m off all the pre-diabetes meds and watchlists, my cholesterol and blood pressure are all in the perfectly normal ass kicking range, and my A1C was 4.9 – so I am ALL GOOD when it comes to those boxes that had been needing check marks. But, I’m still not done. I haven’t met my overall weight loss goal of -170lbs and I’m not at the waist measurement yet to complete the program.

I’ve known for a while now that I was going to ring up shy on the 1 year time goal that we set upon starting this thing and I think subconsciously I’ve allowed that fact to bum me out and slow down my weight loss. I’ve allowed a series of smaller cheats and leeways in the plan just to keep from falling completely off – which shows progress, but is still not awesome. Hey, you do what you can to survive but I’m capable of more.

This week though, I felt particularly low. My husband finished the program last week and is now going into maintenance mode… of course he is – men can sneeze and lose 10lbs!!! I’m ridiculously proud of him and so thrilled he has been beside me the whole way on this–none of this is easy and he’s been SUCH a champ!! My hero! That being said, it’s tough watching him be able to have regular food now at will while I am still on program.

Adding to the perfect storm of meltdown madness was the resonating fact, that when we started I gave myself an end point of 1 year. 1 year to lose all the weight I need to lose in order to get pregnant…. and here we are within 30 days of that and I know I am about 70lbs shy of the goal.

There was a time when just thinking of losing 100lbs was like a fairy tale! Like if I could just do that everything would be solved!!!! Yet — here I am and still have a mountain to climb before I can be done. Trying to figure out how to get to the end and how long it’s going to take from here — I just found myself digging in a giant hole I couldn’t get out of … I broke.

“Everyone else gets to move on accept for MEEEE!!!!” ….

…. the words vibrated off the walls of my brain and I just lost it. The tears could not be stopped. It’s hard. It’s hard to keep clawing and fighting. I’m tired, frustrated, and worn the hell down.

For someone who’s ultimate goal weight is … pregnancy…. this is all just too hard sometimes. Sometimes you have to break to break through… and that’s ok too.

I broke at the best place I could, the diet doctor’s office. We had a long talk, I cried, then I asked questions, questions I hadn’t been brave enough to ask before and she gave me answers. And more than that, she gave me a plan. A goal… and a deal- but we’ll get to that!

Turns out one of the things I’d been missing was a micro-goal. I have had this huge mountain of weight to get through and have been swinging for the fences just collecting pounds and throwing them into the “finished” pile. Now that I’ve lost more weight than I have left, I’m on the downhill slope now so I need something closer. Something that I can see, that I can TARGET and move toward. I have that now.

The deal— Diet Doc could see the desperation and pain in my eyes. “When doc!?” *pause, wiping away tears and snot* “When…. when will it be enough for us to TRY again!??”

[she asked us in the beginning to wait until we lost the weight to try for baby again]

She flipped through my chart, looked at me with tears in her own eyes… choked them back and handed me a tissue and continued flipping…. after a few moments of puzzling she looked up and said “I have a deal for you, do you want to take it?”

Oh geez does she think I’m nuts? What if the deal is 1 more year of this? What if the deal is “sure try but eat nothing but broccoli for the rest of your life!”???? I dunno man….. I paused and must have nodded yes.

“The deal is”, she continued — “Take 2 Days. Go eat whatever you want. No limitations…. just get it out of your system. After those two days are up it’s GO TIME! I want you to give it EVERYTHING YOU HAVE And after 30 days if your weight is acceptable (she did give me a # and it’s attainable y’all) you’ll have my blessing to start trying again.”

Make some “deals” with yourself – you get a little something you GIVE something! It helps!

If it’s part of the plan you CAN do just about anything.

You’re not going to accidentally succeed (at least not consistently) so make some goals micro and macro ones and crush em!!

Give yourself the room you need to breathe and then go get it — whatever IT IS.

Tell everyone. I’m not that person that can quietly carry on just crushing their goals in silence. So I say tell the world, get cheerleaders cause you’re gonna need em!! Goodness knows my cheerleaders have a full time gig and I’m grateful for every one of them! ❤️

Boy it’s tough… tough to be a Mom in general, I can see that. It’s tough though, to be a Mom on Mother’s Day when your child is in heaven.

It’s a confusing day, for sure. Stuck somewhere between wanting to just carry on normally and wanting to lock yourself in a room and pretend like the outside world doesn’t exist. Stuck between wanting to be acknowledged and appreciated like the other moms, and wanting to be totally invisible and unnoticed.

Take my trip to Starbucks this morning for example. The nice barista wished me Happy Mother’s Day and asked how many kids I had… I hesitated and for the micro-second between all the rushing thoughts had to decide if telling this gal, this stranger that I had a kid in heaven was really what I wanted or not. I chose not… and just smiled and said I had a “fur kid” at home. She went on to tell me how much better off I was (for what seemed like way too long). I smiled politely and into the distance so she wouldn’t be able to see the tears welling up and being sucked back into my eye holes. There’s no win there.

I want so desperately to be fine. Or just even OK… or better yet PART OF THE TEAM!! Lately I’ve made a career out of being distracted. Distracted by my diet, and exercise– which is going great, by work, hobbies and a week long vacation…. but sooner or later all that stuff you’ve been hiding from finds you.

I watch everyone around me live out my dreams and I can only seem to ignore it all for so long before I become bitter and scared that my turn may never come. As I’m lapped time and time again by my friends who get to have as many babies as they want ….

It’s no one’s fault but it’s just the worst, having all these feelings bubbling in there with nowhere to go but out- at never a convenient moment. A moment like a dear friend calling to tell you she pregnant… again… and you adore her AND her children to the moon and back but you just sit there and cry. Sobbing in traffic waiting for some sign that your turn is coming too….

I wish I didn’t feel sad, and guilty for feeling sad, angry, cheated… and just plain bitter. I want to feel happy for every miracle no matter who it’s promised to! But on a day like today… even with the fakest of smiles plastered on my face…. I feel the way I feel. And some days it cant be gift wrapped…

So I’ve been sprinkling in workouts to my routine now that I’m past all the diet transitioning on my current program. One thing I do is try to jog/walk on my lunch break. I figure I only have a few of those lunch time jogs left before it gets so hot here that your face melts off!!!

Today, I set a goal to jog 1 whole lap around the building without slowing to walk. I almost made it all the way yesterday so I wanted to see how far I could push it if I made that my goal. I did it!!! That success felt great! (Difficult but great!)

I was feeling really empowered. Focusing on saying really nice things to myself during my run like:

Look how strong you are!

This is something you could not do when you started!

Look how far you’ve come!

You’re such a badass!

You’re going to be such a great mom someday (and here’s where it gets squirrely)

I bet Karate is proud of you, wherever he is

You’re making every choice you can to make sure you never have to send anymore babies to heaven…..

And then I looked up…. and saw this.

Anyone that knows me well, knows my grandma always had this funny thing where she’d say “X’s in the sky are kisses from your loved ones in heaven”. I always laughed at her, until she passed away and now I always think of her when I see them.

At that moment though… my heart sank and I knew that particular X came from my baby in heaven.

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

I cried through the rest of the run. I struggled to put one foot in front of the other and that was the end of any goal crushing I may have had planned for this run. New goal— Complete my 30 minutes and not make eye contact with anyone in the parking lot passing by.

It’s been a minute since I had an emotional outburst, in general, and about my loss. I truly feel like I have been healing and feeling much better about everything. But in that moment, everything I’ve ever felt about it caught up to me and hit me out of nowhere.

It’s important to feel through those feelings– and keep saying those nice things. I’m never going to be “over” what happened. I think about it every day. Maybe someday I won’t… but for today I’m breathing and feeling through the sensation of loss, longing, transitioning, growing, and yes… knowing I’m doing everything I can to create the best future I can have!

I remember nearly every detail of that day. I know what I was wearing, and I have trouble wearing those clothes now, though they float like ghosts in my closet. I remember how I felt at any given moment of that gloomy Thursday. I remember how crushing it was to finally know, after 25 days of uncertainty that I was going to lose you. Karate… I’ve whispered to the wind how sorry I am that I couldn’t save you… and I mean it.

Nurses and doctors shuffled in at random, each learning my diagnosis and not one of them knowing what to say or do to help me. Some were kind, some were cold, sterile, others just stood with their mouths hanging open trying to find words to help– there aren’t any– I’ve checked. There were no options, no discussion, and there was no saving you.

As for me, I’ve spent the last 365 days trying my best to cope without you, in the wreckage and horror that was left after that day. Grief and loss, are a moving staircase. Constantly changing, mutating, and evolving. I’ve accepted that I will never truly be “over you” and thank goodness. I’m the only one who ever held you, nothing can change that. Of everything I lost that day, that fact will always be mine. You’re the one that made me a mom, even if you couldn’t stay I am still a Mom.

Honestly, when I opened my eyes after surgery I thought it would be impossible for me to laugh, to hope and dream ever again. I feared being asked even the simplest surface question such as “How are you?” because the only answer I could grasp was “broken and lost” – that’s a little heavy for ladies room small talk with a kind coworker asking as a common courtesy.

Fast forward to present day and I’m starting to feel like me once again even if only in fractional values. In an unexpected turn of events, I really did learn some things in losing you… and finally, I feel like I’m starting to unearth some of the bits of me I thought I’d lost forever.

I feel relieved… and proud to have survived this far and that I’ve turned so much of my own pain into power and hope for myself and others. It’s a funny thing… I would never have chosen this life if it was laid before me, but Karate you’ve forced me into a better version of me. A more mindful and grateful version than the one that once existed before. I think that girl died with you, I’m certain a part of me did that day.

I plan to press on through this ever changing maze in 2018… taking the best bits and pieces of me I can. Hoping and praying for another miracle… one that the world can handle because you Karate, were obviously just way more than the world was ready for.

I found this quote the day after I lost you… I didn’t appreciate it then, I think I wanted to, but the pain was still too overwhelming. It made me smile today, now that I’m strong enough to do so. Lightning will strike again, I believe that.

I was racing through Walmart the other day. I had a random list of things to acquire, and I had ping pongged all over the store a few times to get them. I was getting ready to leave and realized I forgot something way at the back of the store, so I doubled back one more time to get the last missing item from my list. I cut across the center of the store and without thinking, I walked right into the baby section of the store and it stoped me dead in my tracks.

Infertility will cause you, sometimes even subconsciously to avoid certain people, places and things just so you don’t have to deal with how they make you feel. The baby section is one of those places for me.
I remember before we lost our baby, the first and only time I got to visit this magical land as an expectant mother. It was right after we found out we were pregnant, and before the ultrasound that ruined it all. I was so happy. A bit overwhelmed as I’m sure every mother to be is, but so thrilled to be there for myself instead of everyone else! I’ve “baked” a gaggle of diaper cakes, gone to a thousand kid birthday parties, baby showers and for once I’d get to feel what this was like!! I remember tearing up and texting my friend what I was doing. It all seems so silly and arbitrary but to me, that moment was everything.

Now, standing in the baby section I felt my knees start to give and I the tears start to swell up in my eyes recalling that special moment in time before things got so complicated. I wondered if I will ever get to have that feeling again… and suddenly felt like all eyes in the store were on the crazy lady about to lose it at a Walmart and I hastily bolted out of there.

These are the moments I try to hide from. It’s not always Walmart… sometimes is people in my life that make it hard for me to live this infertile life. I can’t explain it, and it’s hard to defend myself when it happens because I know it’s not fair, and I feel guilty for even feeling the way I do.

The pain, and grief that is loss and infertility is the most complicated and confusing thing I’ve ever encountered. Chances are, if you’re reading this you know the struggle or if not, you know someone that does. It’s is difficult to know how to handle this very fragile friend. The best thing you can do is to be there, quietly and carefully and without trying to fix anything. Just be here, and be gentle. We are the most broken , fragile and fierce creatures and we just want to be understood and accepted, just like you. Isn’t that what we ALL want, in some way?

I crave acceptance and validation. We all have hidden emotional land mines and try as we might to navigate our lives to avoid them, eventually we’re going to forget where they’re hidden and have to deal with a blowout. As for me, I’m still trying to figure out how to responsibly deal with my issues without emotionally injuring myself or others. Results vary, and that’s is ok too.