News from Hell A

Archive for September, 2010

DOWNEY – Bob Rafferty wanted to show his girlfriend, Naomi Schwartz, that he respected her religion, Judaism, and so he went out did something really special for her. Rafferty, a Catholic, was told by a workmate, that he thought was Jewish, that Yom Kippur is the day you get circumcised and so that is what he did.

“Jewish holidays are often quite confusing for both Jews and Gentiles,” said Rabbi Johnson of the South Downey Rabbinical Council. “We had a guy fast during Hannukah two years ago and he almost died. We probably need to do some more outreach…or maybe write some more things in English…even I get confused sometimes with all this Hebrew. ”

While Rafferty hoped that his new look would be a hit with Naomi, turns out his fleshy sacrifice did not go over so well. “It looks weird now,” bemoaned the ever fickle Schwartz. “We used to play hide and seek with it…now it’s out all the time…it’s kind of boring.”

Rafferty, wanting to please his Naomi yet again, now wants to get re-uncircumcised, but that’s not going to be easy: the Mohel who did the deed already threw the flesh out. “I am trying to find it, but I did five adult bris services on Friday…they kind of all look the same…and I also cleaned a chicken.”

EAST HOLLYWOOD – Alan Levine has been trying for years to make it as a screenwriter in Hollywood. He has written several scripts and had a few meetings, but really has nothing to show for his efforts. Alan Levine is destitute; he is at the breaking point.

Alan wants one of his scripts, The Koran, a love story involving an Iraqi woman and a US marine, to get some action and so he is now threatening to burn it this Friday if he doesn’t get a return call from the agent, Richard Glick, he sent it to a few months ago. “I consider this script to be a sacred work, but I will burn it if he or his assistant doesn’t get back to me by Friday. It is a great story and has some great action scenes. All I want is a call back,” cried the agitated Levine.

Fearing an international uproar and possible attacks on US soldiers, Secretary of State Clinton and others have now intervened and have placed calls to Glick – he is not returning their calls either – and to Levine to get him to stop. “He has to understand that many might construe his burning of The Koran to be a hostile act. It, the script, probably is burn worthy, but it would probably be best for all for it to just sit around and collect dust…like his other scripts,” said Stan Burwell of the State Department.

Levine, poorly citing freedom of speech and expression rights, appears to have no intention of backing down. The State Department is asking those who know Glick to pressure him to return Levine’s calls…and their calls.

Marvin Gottstein wanted to do something to help people who were ill so he gave 100 million dollars to Cedars to help them build a new hospital wing. Gottstein figured that his money would be used to help cure cancer or heart disease, but it wasn’t. The Marvin Gottstein Center for Premature Ejaculation opened this week and Gottstein is hardly thrilled about it; in fact, he is actually now suing to get his money back. “What is this? I give them money and they spend it on schtupping?” cried the Yiddish accented Gottstein at the gala opening. “I endured the death camps and worked my tukkus off for this?”

The Gottstein Center is run by urologist Dr. Barry Finkel who had lobbied the hospital for years to get the center. “We finally have a place that reflects society’s concern for this dreaded medical condition,” said Finkel. “Now men can come to a place for help with their heads held high, so to speak, and get the help they so desperately need.” Recent studies have shown that premature ejaculation is indeed a problem for some men, but Gottstein isn’t buying it as a medical condition and clearly doesn’t want his name associated with the malady.

The Center is a four story high phallic shaped building with a rather conspicuous fountain on the roof that shoots water thirty seconds after the hour every hour – Finkel claims that the post-mature firing inspires patients. The interior of the building is blanketed with images of Rosie O’Donnell and Ellen Degeneres.