UNWANTED PHONE CALLS

Paul Ryan and his chief of staff are sitting in his office when the bat phone rings.

POTUS: Paulie. It’s Donnie.

RYAN: Hello Mr. President. What can I do for you?

POTUS: Did you see the crowds that came to see me at the Boy Scout Jamboree. They loved me. They will all join the Trump party in the future.

Ryan quickly writes a note to his chief of staff, asking for his bottle of antacids.

RYAN: The Boy Scout Jamboree is a great, American event.

POTUS: I agree. You know, I think Sessions is thinking of retirement. You have been a loyal supporter. I think you might be a good fit for Attorney General.

RYAN: I thought you were considering Ted Cruz.

POTUS: Yes, but Ted declined, citing family issues. The wimp. Giuliani said no, he would have to recuse himself as well because of the Russia investigation. The wimp. Christie wanted the job, but Bridge gate and Beach gate are a lot of baggage.

RYAN: Well, Mr. President, you are the greatest presidential president since Lincoln, and I am honored to serve you, but I have no legal training. Plus, if we ever get a healthcare bill from the Senate, you need me to get it passed in the House.

POTUS: I don’t understand after all the times Congress voted to repeal Obamacare, they can’t get the votes now. Why don’t I sign an executive order and repeal all the rules on legislation so we can get this bill passed.

RYAN: We only got the votes because we didn’t have to deal with the consequences, Mr. President. You don’t have the authority to change the rules of Congress.

POTUS: Where does it say that?

Ryan grabs his bottle of antacids and washes it down gulping from the flask in his desk. He hands the flask to his chief of staff for a refill.

Ryan: Sorry, I had to take my vitamins. Article I of the Constitution says you cannot do that.

POTUS: So let’s pass a constitutional amendment that gives me the authority.

RYAN: Mr. President, I doubt I could get one congressional vote for an amendment that surrenders separation of powers. I really think we should try to get something done on healthcare and tax reform. We’re more than halfway through the year and we could have a fiscal crisis if we don’t raise the debt ceiling.

POTUS: What is a debt ceiling?

RYAN: It means the government will shut down if we can’t pay our bills.

POTUS: So just stiff the creditors. No biggie. I did it all the time and I was still elected President.

RYAN: Didn’t Mnuchin or Mulvaney explain this to you?

POTUS: I don’t remember. They showed me a slide show but they made it too complicated.

RYAN: America would lose our credit rating, and our economy will tank if we have a debt ceiling crisis.

POTUS: Paul, I have some Eastern European friends that could lend us some money.

Ryan taking another swig from the flask, starts choking.

RYAN: Sorry, I didn’t hear that. Moving on.

POTUS: Paul, I am furious that you passed that Russia sanctions bill. Putie is a good guy. I can really work with him. All I have to do is hand back the compounds and lift the sanctions.

RYAN: Mr. President. The Commander of the Armed Forces in Afghanistan has alerted us that Russia is arming the Taliban again, and Russia is backing North Korea.

POTUS: Water under the bridge. You should have stopped that bill. The congressional leaders serve at the pleasure of the President and none of you are pulling your weight.

RYAN: Actually, Congress doesn’t serve at your pleasure. That is only executive branch appointees. Mr. President, many Republicans are not happy that you are attacking fellow Republicans, like Sessions, Murkowski and Heller.

POTUS: Well I was happy to see you supporting me by saying I had the power to choose my personnel. This is politics, Paulie. They need to have thicker skin or hire someone like the MOOCH to defend them. And listen, if the senate can’t pass a healthcare bill, the government will just stop paying the Medicaid subsidies and Medicare. Then we don’t have to worry about the debt crisis.

RYAN: Look, I would love to cut Medicare, but this isn’t the way to do it.

POTUS: No problem. I’ll call Mnuchin in here and have him stop issuing checks from the federal government.

Ryan’s chief of staff holds up a sign. “Just stop. Get Mnuchin to explain this to POTUS. You are third in line for the presidency. You don’t even want to hear another word about Russian lenders.”

Ryan holds up a sign. ‘Find my bottle of Xanax’.

POTUS: Did you see my speech in Youngstown. Huge crowds! They love me. This second campaign is going so smoothly now that I don’t have any opponents. All I have to do is bring up ‘Crooked Hilary’. I can keep this going for years.

Ryan holds up another sign. ‘I need two Xanax’.

RYAN: I can’t wait. Mr. President, I’m very sorry, but I have a meeting right now and must go.

POTUS: Well, think about my offer. Maybe I could nominate the Mooch.

RYAN: I don’t think he has a law degree, either. Didn’t he contribute to Clinton’s campaign, called you a hack and supported Scott Walker in the primaries?

POTUS: He took all of that off his Twitter account. If it is not on Twitter, it isn’t real.

RYAN: Oh, okay. I will speak to you soon, Mr. President.

Ryan puts his head on his desk and groans.

RYAN: I am trying to do the right thing and take healthcare away from millions, and it is my own health that is being ruined. Get me my blankie!