3/31/2008

{this is my previous post edited}Part of my hesitation in writing about my experience with Denise has been my own reactions to reading about other amazing woman get togethers. A degree of longing is often stirred in me, whether it is for an opportunity to be with that friend, a chance to connect and bond with a person I admire or relate to, or even sometimes just to feel a part of. I often want to know more about what specifically made it so amazing, what revelations were made, what lessons learned, what parts of the people were enforced or even shifted. These are all very tough things to express in words, at least for me, so I was brought to tears when I read Denise describing our time together on her blog { here }. I feel she put the experience into words better than I ever could.

So all I can add is some of the revelations I had, the lessons I learned, the parts in me that were enforced and shifted.

Revelations:When you connect with your photographic subject in a deep soulful way-that beauty and joy shared between you comes through in the picture. When I write this it seems obvious, at least to me, but I never really had it reinforced in such a way. Living with a three year old and with my busy mind often distracts me. My experience with Denise allowed me to see this clearer, and I have since taken both still life photos and photos of my son, where I was more concious of being centered and allowing the connection with my subjects to build and be present.

That I needed to go deeply into the emotions of my fertility journey with Denise just to feel and acknowledge them, to honor them and to let them go. That where I am today about it {enjoying my son and not trying any more}, is just where I need to be.

Lessons, enforcements and shifts:That it is common to be tempted as an artist to be guided by what you think your audience wants; to strive for outward approval. The artists I admire and strive to be like, attract me because they have chosen to rely on their inner guide, and their own approval that comes from following their creativity. The lesson I learned by talking to Denise about my art was that if I follow my bliss and block out all the rest I will be the happiest and most satisfied artist I can be.

That if I am open to it, I can see situations differently, I can see myself and my beauty differently. That the way to growth of all kinds for me is about being open and unafraid. That I am ready to embrace my softer side.It has been a long time since I have posted photos of myself. I have avoided being photographed in general for a while now. I have believed that the only way I could look beautiful was to have major photo manipulation that i just have no clue how to do. The photographs Denise took of me showed me a side of myself that I often feel uncomfortable with-the natural-soft-sexy side. I have spent days looking at these photos she took, over and over-each time becoming more comfortable with what I see. Each time feeling my core becoming stronger. My self love become truer. This was such an amazing gift, having her photograph me. I feel like all the beautiful things I took from these three days shines through and is reinforced by these photos.

And last but not least, how important it is to take care of yourself, with gentleness, honor, respect and trust. For this their is no better teacher and role model for me than Denise.

3/30/2008

Happiness

This picture makes my heart ache with happiness and gratitude for the three days I got to spend with my darling sweet friend Denise this week.

The words stumble over each other in my mind as they all rush to the forefront to be expressed. I keep hesitating, waiting for them to get in line, to be polite and take turns, so that they will make sense when written out on the page. It just isn't happening. It seems that they are getting more impatient and less cooperative, so I will start by posting this poem that expresses a lot of the feelings vying for the first spot in line. I will probably be back later tonight-or definitely tomorrow to write from my heart.

Happiness

In the afternoon I watchedthe she-bear; she was lookingfor the secret bin of sweetness -honey, that the bees storein the trees’ soft caves.Black block of gloom, she climbed downtree after tree and shuffled onthrough the woods. And thenshe found it! The honey-house deepas heartwood, and dipped into itamong the swarming bees - honey and combshe lipped and tongued and scooped outin her black nails, until

maybe she grew full, or sleepy, or maybea little drunk, and stickydown the rugs of her arms,and began to hum and sway.I saw her let go of the branches,I saw her lift her honeyed muzzleinto the leaves, and her thick arms,as though she would fly -an enormous beeall sweetness and wings -down into the meadows, the perfectionsof honeysuckle and roses and clover -to float and sleep in the sheer netsswaying from flower to flowerday after shining day.

3/22/2008

First Photo shoot

Yesterday I had my first photo shoot with a friend and her two daughters.

Boy do I have a lot to learn! My amazing friend Genine let me borrow her new Canon 40D and her lenses (85 1.4?, 30mm, and 17-55?). Let's just say for me it was a bad idea to use a brand new camera and lenses in a situation where I really wanted to get the best shots possible. I realized how different cameras and lenses can be. I am very comfortable with my (50mm 1.8 and 100mm) but these new lenses. Ha Ha.

Almost all my shots were blurry. It was pretty frustrating. I did get to salvage some from the hundreds I took.

Then there is editing people. VERY different from editing still lives, flowers etc. I don't like the high contrast look in people the way I am with objects. Their is a lot of playing to be done to find what "look" I like with people.

Blog Love

I love discovery new blogs that cover a wide array of my interests.

Scribbit is one of these great blogs. It is written by Michelle-a mother of four living in Alaska. She writes concisely (something I am working on) and about such a wide variety of topics. You always come across something new when you visit. Within just the past few posts there was a write away contest, fun crafts to do with your child this Easter weekend and a very kind giveaway contest where Michelle featured my work.

Thank you Michelle. I am honored to be featured for your giveaway. I adore your blog.

Another great blog I recently started frequenting is Creature Comforts. Ez has a beautifully designed blog. I love the colors, the layout and of course-the birds in her banner. Her posts are gorgeously put together. She has a great knack for presentation. I wish she headed my marketing I am so moved by the way she puts things together.

I was tickled pink to see she included my Honey photo in her Black & White post. Thanks so much Ez.

And last but not least. Even though I have been selling on Etsy over a year, I never knew about Etsy Finds. Last week Anda from Etsy Finds contacted me about including my custom sterling pendant in one of the features. I was so flattered and then blown away by all the talent they have searched out and presented in this lovely format over at Etsy Finds. Maybe if I had a smaller range of interests with my art I would have more time to read all the amazing articles, interviews and tips now available on Etsy.

3/20/2008

Girls Rock

I am trying to contribute to that blog a bit more since it is attached to my website.

I have been terrible about writing on the yahoo message board about my eating and exercise.

I was telling my husband this morning how different this has been for me. I am being moderate. I have cut back on the cheescake and icecream. LOL. Seriously, I was eating a lot of cheescake and ice cream. I have been going to my exercise class 2x a week-except today-I had too much work to do, to spend the few sparse hours without my non stop chattering, question asking, toddler-running to and from the gym for a 1 hr class.

But that is ok. You know why? Because this is a lifelong thing I am aiming for. Moderation, health, happiness and balance.

I was 153.5 this am. I am happy that I can feel skinny at 153.5. I catch myself in the mirror and I see my arms and waist looks less bloated. It is great!

I still think I look and feel healthiest at 135-138 but hey, I feel good and am going in the right direction so I am going to enjoy it.

So to sum it up-I grab a slim fast shake for breakfast or lunch if i notice I am hungry and don't have time to have a big salad-or sometimes I just don't feel like a salad. I am aiming for one big serving of veggies and one of fruit a day to start. I am not beating myself up for wanting or having a handful or two of chips, and this allows me to stop at that amount instead of scarfing the whole bag because I thing the day is shot. Luna bars are also chock full of protein and fiber and satisfy that sweet craving. At night I have been having a tootsie roll and tea. As my weight goes down I very well may have to clean things up even more, but for right now not eating a half cheescake or two cups of ice cream are way good enough.

3/18/2008

The winner is.....

Georgia!

There were so many awesome names, I just couldn't choose, so I put the contributors name with the name they chose onto slips of paper and placed them in a hat. I let my little man do the honor of drawing the lucky winner.

So out of the names Georgia gave I chose Mae.

Thank you for all your suggestions and comments. I tried to reply to the comments through the emails I get from blogger , but for many of you there is no email address. How is that possible, when I know you have to submit your email to comment? So I thank you here:)

I have a second main character that I plan on drawing in the next few days. I will need help with another name then.

3/15/2008

Be Brave

Eleanor Roosevelt said "Do one thing every day that scares you." Well I drew my girl today. I have had her in my mind, and there is a lot more i want to do with her but you must start somewhere. She didn't turn out ruining my minds eye image, which is a very good thing. That alone makes me happy.

I also figured out a teeny bit in Adobe Illustrator to get her as a vector image. Or at least I think she is a vector image. hee hee

I need to give her a name. Clearly she represents me, but do you have any ideas for names?

Leave a comment with a name for her and I will draw names for a goodie package Monday evening.

3/13/2008

This morning I received a much needed email from a blogfriend. She opened her heart and shared some very personal things with me. There was a bit I wrote in reply, that I thought would be good to add to this post. "It's funny that you mention letting myself hold on to these baby things-somehow I wrote all the items in a post for craigs list but it never posted. LOL. I guess I wasn't quite ready in some ways. In other ways I guess I need the freedom that seems to come with letting it go. In some ways the clutter in my basement represented the clutter I seem to be carrying in my head and life with this trying to conceive determination."

I really let the journaling of food and exercise slide a bit-for any of you checking in over at yahoo groups, if you join I think they will email you with a new post so you don't have to check in there unless there is something new.

I have been sooooo crazy busy I haven't really had time to keep a journal, but I have placed a large jar of mixed nuts in my studio for a handful here or there if I am really hungry. I find chewing them really well and waiting a bit between small handfuls, I am well satisfied with just a few.

Today I am 155.5 from 161 starting. That is good. I think it has been 2 weeks? I went to that kick but core conditioning class Tuesday and I have it again today.

On another note-I am going through a lot of changes in my heart and head in relation to my business. Lately freedom-the feeling of openess is a desire so strong I can't seem to let it go.

For me creating, photographing is freeing. I haven't had enough of this freeing lately. I have a very annoying pull to draw/paint and collage. I feel that I am not good at it. It scares me to sit down at a blank page, but as I catch up on posts at Kelly , Misty , Andrea and Christine/Sparkletopia a teeny part of me starts jumping up and down with sheer excitement reading their motivating,encouraging, words, wisdom and experiences.

I look at the situation I am in now, with a messy studio full of jewelry supplies. If I am real with myself, as I have written here before I am not passionate about jewelry, but it has moved decently well and it is in a way an affirmation for my photography as well as some incoming $, so I haven't had an easy time walking away. But when I look at the limited time I have to play and enjoy I have to ask why am I choosing to spend that time and dedicating my creative space to this venture that doesnt bring me joy and is quite a heavy investment in inventory.

So I am ruminating on these things. I may try to do custom pendant work to make some $, it often comes with beautiful stories of love and memories from my customers. It would simplify things, I wouldn't have to spend time on listings in etsy etc. If I streamline the process I can hopefully leave a few free hours for playing with paint and glue and my camera.

I need to play, I need to feel lighthearted, I need to have joy coursing through my veins.

I am writing this here just to work it through for myself. To weigh in my mind and in writing what is bringing me the most joy, am I doing things just because I am used to doing them or because they realy are consistant with what I want to manifest.

I keep wanting to start feeling all that I want, but I just haven't yet gotten clear on what it is. Now how can I manifest if I don't yet know for sure what I want?

3/12/2008

Thank you so much for your love and support. I took your advice-I spring cleaned my bloglines. It was tough, but I narrowed it down and set up days of the week with about 5 blogs each. This feels super manageable.

I called my 'friend" today and told her where I was yesterday and that I am just not the person to go to to talk though her pregnancy issues. She apologized and I think she understands better.

I just dropped my son off at school, he had last week off except for the day I subbed so I have a lot of work to catch up on.

3/11/2008

Today started off a bit fast paced, as my husbands car is in teh shop and we had to get out of the house early. I went to my exercise class and that felt great.

Getting home, I realized today was the anniversary and decided that I would take some photos of the flowers I just bought as a way to be with my mom. She loved flowers and photographing them so it was a good way to remember and "be" with her. Then a distant friend called-I noticed she tried me yesterday twice, but I didn't get to talk with her. So I answered the phone and found out she was calling to tell me she is pregnant. Now I spoke to her for the first time in a while a few days ago, so she knew what I have been through lately. For her getting pregnant right now is not the best thing. I found myself trying to be nice and kind, while also feeling baffled as to why she would call me of all people. Today of all days. She said she isn't telling many people. Why did she choose to tell me?

The idea of having to try to be there for her just kicked the balance out from under me.

I found that my emotions were stirred beyond calming. I cried some. One of my close friends called and she listened to my tears and my confusion pour out. I am so grateful that I have so many close friends that do get me. That know what to say and when to say it. That they buoy me up without it being obvious.

Luckily the universe stepped in and my phone ran out of batteries after a few minutes, so I didn't have to be there for this "friend" that just doesn't get it.

Here are a few of my photos today, I guess my emotions are a bit evident here huh?

3/09/2008

Well folks my eating healthy plan derailed a bit the past 2 1/2 days. Not the worst it could be but I thought I could drink some wine and have one cupcake at the dinner party/birthday party we had last night. It ended up being multiple glasses of wine, 3 cupcakes and a handful of reeces pieces. Alcohol completely breaks my willpower down it seems.

The other day one of my close friends from college asked me how I felt with the anniversary of my mother's death coming up (on the 11th). I told her I was actually doing ok. This year maybe feeling the easiest. It will be 6 years.

The past few days I have been trying to look at where I am objectively. Wondering if I am really ok, or if I am in coping mode. As we got ready for our party, we decided to move a few things in the basement so we could fit the bounce house down there for the kids. I suddenly saw that at least 50% if not more of the clutter down there is all the baby stuff I have been holding on to for our "next child". All the contraptions, all the clothes. I started loading some of it into the garage-declaring to my husband that I was going to clear this crap out now that we know we won't be having any more. There was a whisper of sadness, and a wonder if I am doing this too fast. But the answer seemed to be that the sooner the better.

Tonight I listed a lot of it on craigs list.

There is a degree of mourning going on deep in my heart. But it feels like the choice to be happy is prevailing and outshining the sadness that comes with loss.

I am once again feeling out of touch in blogland. I hate that feeling. When I haven't read blogs in so long that I feel completely out of touch.

This may sound silly but can you give me some tips on how you do it? Do struggle with this? What do you do to make it work? I keep telling myself that I should just go back to reading a certain number of blogs each day and then I will eventually get to all of them.

3/07/2008

I will go and write day 4 there, and from now on will write most of my eating/exercise there instead of here.

The past few days has been a bit crazy. I subed for one of my sons preschool teachers on Wed and then he had yesterday and today off from school for teacher conferences.

Last night I gave my first ever paid "photography lesson". The people were so fun and darling it felt more like a social visit for me. It was super fun though to share with someone some of the things I have learned, within the context that I am no expert.LOL.

Their daughter is so gorgeous that I felt a strong urge to take photos of her on a sunny day. I have avoided taking photos of children strangely even my own, out of (my own idea) of respect for my friend who is a portrait photographer. She has been encouraging me more to play around with it, so I am finding a part of my soul feels awakened and excited. I am so out of practice-without ever being in great practice-that it is a bit nerve wracking yet exciting to start trying to capture the types of photos I imagine taking of my son and other children.

I think I will be exploring shuttersisters.coma bit more if I can carve out the time. They have really great photographers over there.

On a side note-I know you are never supposed to bring up politics with friends but Hillary is really made me feel frustrated with her tactics the past week or so. I just had to get that out.

3/04/2008

I think I got a stomach bug. I woke at 2am really close to throwing up-and I am not a thrower upper.

Today the plan went a bit off. I think it will be better if I just post what I ate after the day is done. Then I am not writing it out twice and I can also keep a word doc open and comment on how I am feeling when I eat too.

Today was my little mans 3rd birthday. We had so much fun today. I feel so much more present with him these past days. Enjoying him so much more without all the stress weighing on me about the pregnancy.

This afternoon I was so sick to my stomach I couldn't eat more than half the salad at lunch-so I had half of a whole grain english muffin with some butter and jam instead.

This afternoon I had a handful of grapes and some strawberries. Tonight I had about a cup and a half of cereal, a cup of soymilk and some melon.

I am pooped.

This evening I was trying to put together my sons train table and was feeling tired. When my husband came home from work, I thought he was upset with me, and almost decided to chow down on the cupcakes I was making. I recognized it and just let it sit. I didn't eat a cupcake, I had some melon instead.

3/03/2008

Day 1 Diary

I planned on waking at 6am, but I was so busy trying to get things set last night, and had a bit of that excitement insomnia-like the night before the first day of school, when I want to be sure I do everything right the next day, I didn't get to sleep until 12:30am.

When my husband went to bed-the house was dark-I was pushing to get more done-and the twix candy bar in the fridge was calling me. Normally I would be eating my brains out the night before planning an eating change, but this time although I heard the call, I just didn't want to answer it. I found this so puzzling. In some way it seemed that if the goal was to make better choices and take better care of myself, having that twix would be counterproductive. That seems logical but not a normal thing for me.

Three things kept tumbling around my mind last night.

-my sister in law sharing her success in making moderate changes. Kristen's comment about having a great weekend with a friend but just letting it go and continuing where she left off. Valerie B talking about gaining and instead of bingeing, getting right back on.

I feel that for me at this point in my journey, I am ready to start listening and trusting myself on a day to day basis-with a major plan in action, but with permission and trust that I can handle unique situations with grace and ease.

I have always been a cold turkey-black/white kind of girl. Moderation has been avoided. Now I embrace moderation. I see myself happy and joyous right there in the middle.

In the meanwhile I am a grouchy, tired hungry girl. I woke up at 7 instead of 6 because I was up too late. The whole day was pretty much an hour behind. I had to go to the store to buy groceries, and I was starving for lunch by the time we got home at 2pm.

I was rushing to make a salad and cut 2 fingers while trying to sharpen the knife. Called my poor husband all dramatic, shaky, and dizzy-thinking when I took the kitchen towel off my finger may be dangling, since I couldn't really feel the tip. Apparently it was because I was holding it so tight to stop the bleeding it went numb. All is ok in finger land.

I am now very sleepy, a bit tired from the cardio this am, and feel as though instead of turning in early I should be DOING stuff.

So here I am....I am going to plan tomorrow (my darling sons third birthday) right now, since I am afraid if I don't it won't get planned. And let me tell you how much better my day was today having it planned out.

Tonight - pack gym bag and pick clothes for me and the little one

6am- 15 minutes quiet time/meditation/prayer. Didn't do this yet today. Will try to do it tonight before bed.

3 tb half and half with coffee1c go lean crunch1/2c soymilk(Am going to try carb/protein/fat balance for breakfast because the exercise class I take at 10:15 kicks my arse and is mostly resistance training)

6 oz Salad 1tb dressing 4oz grilled chicken1 c strawberries

10 almondsapple (the fiber one bar was super sweet and yummy but I noticed I wanted to eat like 20 of them in a row. The sweetness seemed to prime my appetite so I am going to experiment and see if a less sugary snack curbs this afternoon urge.

4oz shrimp6oz asparagus4oz sweet potato1c cantaloupe

On exercise- Linni mentioned hearing someone say they got better results from resistance/weight training than they did from cardio. My sister in law has also experienced this. She looks fabulous and she has been doing primarily weight training at the gym). The cardio I am working on is more a life long goal of mine to incorporate into my life because: I was an idiot and smoked, my mom died of lung cancer, I am blood type O and noticed the connection they made between o blood type and high activity cardio lifting spirits and being important or our overall health was right on for me-whether it is because I have o blood type or what I don't know, but I do know that I could use all the mood / energy lifting I can get. So I do plan on incorporating this kick ass resistance class twice a week for the body toning etc. The cardio is for my mental well being and to drive home the lesson of taking taking on moderation and living healthy.

Right now my body aches and I am so tired it almost hurts. LOL. I am talking from the moment folks. We shall see how this all turns out-all I can say was today was a good day in the health department.

I am pretty nervous about starting this-will I be hungry? Of course I will be-will I be able to follow the plan? A couple of the articles I mentioned in my last post mentioned a spiritual side to changing your eating habits. I guess if you are used to turning to food for comfort, training yourself to not use food for that purpose may be easier if you turn to prayer or meditation for that comfort instead. Of course I am also planning on relying on close friends as well, but prayer can be done anywhere at any time so I will go into tomorrow remembering this.

I was going to wait to post this until I read up on the body theme I heard about at blogher through Jen Lemen's blog., but the day is getting away from me and I feels as though I need to get started now.

It is Sunday. The day so many people swear they will start a new healthier life tomorrow-Monday- probably the most popular start eating better day ever. I am going with it though.

The morning of the D&C I went to the grocery store "for my in laws" who were coming for the day/night to help with our little man. I noticed that I was making my way through the store very fast, because i was not editing my purchases at all. I was giving myself full reign to buy whatever I wanted without caring about anything but taste. I came back and declared that this was emotional shopping at it's best. I was planning on comforting myself and the loved ones around me with food.

So for the past few days I have been scarfing oreos like they are going out of production and I will never have another chance to eat them again. I have had those "starting a diet in a few days" thoughts that seem to propel me to eat a few extras for all the times I won't be having any in the future. This logic goes against moderation and healthy eating habits, but I have not punished myself for these thoughts. I have just noticed them.

My mother in law and I were having a conversation on Friday morning about how my husband and I have embraced the notion of celebrating our one child and letting go of any plans on trying for another one. I am tired of living in infertility mode. I am tired of feeling as hough I have to try so much harder at life. I am tired of having to try not to feel bad about , getting my period, or certain hormone levels, ultrasounds, tests etc. I have really had it. Any way my mother in law said she saw an interview with Valerie B. where she said one of her favorite quotes is " when presented with the choice, choose happiness". I clung to that quote. It is exactly what I have been feeling lately. I am making the choice.

So yesterday at Target I picked up the Valerie B. book and skimmed to the end where she talks about her Jenny Craig experience. What jumped out was how she expressed going public made her take this more seriously.

So here I am going public on my blog. I am going to get healthy. My goal is to lose 25 pounds. This morning I was 161 on the scale. WOW. I can't believe I am admitting that.

I was browsing a magazine yesterday and it had an interview with Valerie B. - is she everywhere or what? It also had a bunch of short interviews with women who had lost weight and kept it off.

Some things that stood out:

Writing in a journal when you want to eat. I will try to come here and blog, since I resist paper journals so.

Exercise. I will start training for the 5k. I will write my plans and achievements here.I plan on starting with doing 25 minutes of walking or elliptical each day for a week starting tomorrow, just to get myself moving. I just bought myself a good exercise bra and I am waiting for it to come in the mail. You can't start running without support-especially if you are well endowed. Next week I will start the run/walk plan I have used before with great success. I will share those details here too. So if you want to join me - get yourself moving this week and in the meanwhile buy a good bra and some good sneakers. I will do the Cardio first thing in the morning in the morning to get it out of the way and done.

I need a plan- a decent plan for eating. I have thought long and hard about what will work. I have decided to try combining things so I have a manageable outlook.

I will write out what I plan on eating that day in the morning-or the night before and do my best to stick to it. My goals will be to eat whole grains, lean proteins, veggies and fruit and keep portion sizes smaller. I am extremely resistant to this part but Valerie did it so I think I will too. She said no alcohol until she reached her 25 pound loss. I am going to do the same. Oiy. Do you know how much I love to have a glass of wine with girlfriends? A margarita? A beer in the evening when I have had a long day with a whining toddler? This is huge folks.

So today I will go to the store. I plan on buying those glad disposable tupperware so that I can make 7 salads all at once to keep in the fridge. (i did this when I was in FA and it was great. Ready to eat salad ensures I will eat it. I will wash and clean all the fruit and veggies tonight so they are ready and waiting in the fridge for snacking for both me and my little man.

Dinners will be a bit challenging since my husband loves pasta and eats very few vegetables.

(can I tell you as I write this I feel a panic attack brewing? my mind is shouting-this is so embarassing-T (my husband) is going to roll his eyes-shit I am rolling my eyes I have planned on doing this so many times before-who wants to read all these freakin details? How lame am I to use my blog for this?)