~ A blog by Traci Rylands

Ho Ho NO!: Tips on Surviving the Holidays

Does that make me a bad person? Maybe. But to deny my feelings would be lying and that’s worse.

For some, the holidays are not a time of joyful celebration.

My father died five days after Christmas. This year marks the 10th anniversary of his passing. Some years are easier to handle than others. I’ve found that there’s no way to predict what each one will be like.

Christmas is also hard because my Dad really loved celebrating it. He was one of those people who put up the tree the day after Thanksgiving. He loved Christmas music. He was the narrator in some of our church’s Christmas productions. For a man who could be rather stoic, Christmas transformed him into a joyful, almost lighthearted person.

I know I’m not the only one who misses a loved one during the holidays. I’m no expert but here are some rules that help me get through it.

1. It’s Okay to Admit You Dread Christmas.

As a Christian, admitting that I struggle with feeling happy about the biggest Christian celebration of the year is difficult. For those who don’t understand, it makes no sense to feel sad when I should be happy. Why can’t I put my grief aside and celebrate that God came to the world in the form of a baby to show us His love? I can’t do that some days. That’s just a fact and I am okay with that now.

This is Mom and Dad during one of their first Christmases together.

Give yourself permission to be honest about what you’re feeling. Your friends and family may not understand but they don’t have to. It’s not about them. It’s about taking care of yourself.

2. It’s Okay to Cry.

When I was young, the album Free to Be, You and Me came out. One of the songs was sung by former NFL great, Rosie Greer. It’s Okay to Cry was one of my favorites, especially the line “It’s okay to cry/crying gets the sad out of you.” Simplistic, yes, but easy for a child to understand.

This year, I managed to make it until this past Wednesday before I cried. On the way home from taking my son to school, I burst into tears. I was mourning the fact that Christmas just isn’t the same without Dad. You would think with time that this feeling would change, but it hasn’t. I don’t like crying because I get all snotty (ick) and feel out of control. But it’s a release I need to express the emotions I can’t handle.

Rosie was right. Crying is not a form of weakness. It is a sign of strength to admit you are dealing with personal pain. Your tears mean you feel something deeply and by letting those emotions flow out, you can find some solace.

3. It’s Okay to Go into Survival Mode Until January.

During the holidays, sometimes you have to simply do what you have to do to survive. That doesn’t mean going into a bunker until January 1. But if avoiding a holiday party or foregoing watching “Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer” on TV helps, then that’s what you do.

If it means having an extra piece of peppermint bark, nobody is going to judge you. And if they do, they can come talk to me. If you’d rather listen to Led Zeppelin (“Immigrant Song” is one of my favorites) instead of 24 hours of Christmas music, so be it.

If getting through December means going underground for a little while, that’s alright. Don’t feel guilty and pretend to feel a joy you don’t.

4. It’s Okay to Be Angry.

Yes, anger can bubble up amid the grief. I get mad at God for taking my father at the age of 65. I’m angry that he’s not here to see my son open his presents or take him to see the Christmas lights. Dad would have loved his grandson dearly and the fact he never got to meet him seems unfair. Yes, I am lucky that I had my father as long as I did. But that doesn’t make the feelings go away.

This was my little guy at the age of two after visiting Santa.

Don’t push that anger away. Stuffing it down inside just makes it worse. Acknowledging your frustration is the first step in making peace with it. Yell at God if you want to. He can take it.

5. It’s Okay to Laugh.

For many years, we had a rather bizarre Christmas tree stand that Dad had fashioned out of an old tether ball tire and a holder he wedged into the center of it. Regardless of whether or not we got a real tree or used our fake one, getting a tree into that stand was a challenge he relished. I learned early to leave the room during this time while the stream of Yosemite Sam-like swearing took place. We still laugh about it now.

This is me with the fake tree (and the infamous stand) in 1973.

Dad loved the movie A Christmas Story . To him, it was a slice of his childhood served up on celluloid. Watching him laugh at the father’s (Darren McGavin) attempts to get the furnace to work or his pride in receiving his “major award” in the form of a naughty lamp are memories I treasure. Watching that movie makes me feel close to Dad again, if only for a few hours.

Laughing while you’re crying is good, too.

“It’s a major award!”

6. It’s Okay to Live in the Moment.

If I look at December as one long, miserable sobfest, it’s going to be just that. Instead, I try to live hour by hour, day by day, with no expectations.

Yes, some of it’s going to stink. But some of it can be good. Singing “Holly Jolly Christmas” with my fake Burl Ives accent is funny to me (and painful to those around me). So is eating the head off a gingerbread man. Or watching Barbara Stanwyck in Christmas in Connecticut for the hundredth time.

By living in the moment, you can celebrate life for what it is. A strange but fascinating collection of unique experiences and emotions. There are flashes of joy amid the sadness.

That’s all I’ve got. Hope it helps.

Merry Christmas, Daddy. I still miss you.

This is from the early 90s when Dad met University of Georgia football legend Herschel Walker.

6 thoughts on “Ho Ho NO!: Tips on Surviving the Holidays”

Traci, I don’t know what to say because you have expressed so much of what I am going through. Not only am I mourning the loss of my Dad 6 months ago but my sister who died on January 9, 1999. Just when our Christmas times were back to some semblance of normal because we had found new traditions and rhythms that worked now that my nieces are grown. Now we have to find a way to deal with Christmas without our Diddy. He always made Christmas fun! He was the cornerstone of our family and now that is gone. I cried earlier today. Troy wanted to hug me but I told him that I just needed to cry and surf the net. BTW, my dad loved “A Christmas Story”.

I knew of all my friends that you would understand this. I am so sorry you are facing this first Christmas without your sweet Diddy. He was one of a kind. You do what you have to do to get yourself through it. Know that you’re in my thoughts and prayers, friend.

I, too, love Jesus and love to celebrate His birth. But like you, I would rather skip over the month of December, except for a day to celebrate His birth.
Some times I wonder if I’ll ever enjoy Christmas again. The dysfunctional Christmas’s that I’ve experienced have left me feeling skeptical of all present and future Christmas celebrations. I don’t feel particularly jolly.
I wish I could have that feeling once more. It seems to be very nice from the FB posts, pictures, and family stories. My memories of Christmas time seem to be from my childhood and to be honest, they probably weren’t all that great. A child has that wonderment.
Actually, I’m afraid to try. I just don’t think that I would ever recover from another disappointing one.
This is the third year that I haven’t decorated for Christmas. The concerning thing is that I really don’t miss it. If only my dreams could come true. What a Christmas that would be.

I think if we didn’t have a child, there would have been some years where I wouldn’t have decorated. It really varies from year to year. This year, I’m handling it pretty well. I just don’t linger on really thinking too deeply about it. If I do, I lose it.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, I understand exactly where you’re coming from. I think many people feel the same way, but nobody really gets it unless they’ve felt it themselves.