We only have sex twice a year

My wife and I have sex very infrequently, about one to three times per year for about the last 10 years running. This is partly due to my 11 year old ...

13/09/2006

Question

For the last decade, my wife and I have only made love about twice per year. This is partly due to my 11-year-old daughter, who insists that she sleeps in the same room as us.

However, even when she sleeps overnight at a friend's house, it is difficult to get my wife interested in sex. I have always prided myself on being a patient and considerate partner – and I believe that my wife climaxes on the infrequent occasions that we do have sex.

It is important to also point out that in over 17 years of marriage, my wife has 'seduced' me only a handful of times. Every other sexual encounter was initiated by me.

Finally, I believe that my wife's size may have something to do with things. She has gained quite a bit of weight since the children were born and is now, at 5ft 7in, something over 18 stone.

I can only guess at the actual weight since she will not tell me, and I only know that our bathroom scale with a capacity of 250lb is now inadequate for her. I dare not mention the issue of weight to her - any discussion of this issue will invariably result in tears.

Should I be more forceful in the matter of her size? I know that she is quite conscious of this – she has not undressed in front of me in nearly 15 years.

And am I being selfish in wanting more sex than two or three times a year?

As far as I can see, the only alternatives are visiting a prostitute, having an affair or masturbation. The first two of these would be new to me but, as you might imagine, I have more than a passing familiarity with the last option.

Answer

No, I do not think you are being selfish in expecting sex more than two or three times a year. I see from your details that you are only 48 and that your sex life has been in this dismal state for most of your 17-year old marriage. But plenty of men of your age would feel deprived if they weren't having sex once or twice a week!

I do think that your wife's size is probably a contributory factor to all of this. But I am more worried about the business of your 11-year old sleeping in your room. I feel that she is being used by your wife to avoid sex. I don't suppose this is a conscious thing - and I imagine your wife probably does believe that she is helping your daughter by letting her sleep in the same room as you - but the end result is the same - no sex.

Also, I don't think it's at all healthy for an 11-year old to 'insist ' that she sleeps in her parents' room. I think this should have been nipped in the bud years ago, but of course I feel that her presence suits your wife's agenda.

So, what can you do? I think that you need to sit down with your wife and let her know that this is a 'crunch time'. In other words, let her know that it is totally unreasonable to expect you to carry on the marriage as it is.

The obvious next step would be for you both to agree to go to Relate, or (if you live north iof the border) to Relate Scotland. If you could both discuss what is right and what is wrong with the marriage – in front of an experienced third-party – I feel sure you would uncover a lot of feelings that need to be expressed.

If your wife won't agree to this, however, I think you need to make her aware that her lack of compliance could force the end of the marriage - or certainly put another nail in its coffin. How would she feel about this? She needs to ask herself this.

I know you say she bursts into tears when her weight is mentioned but even so, this is a subject that needs addressing. You can do so in a sympathetic way by asking if you can help her with it, but don't let the tears stop you in your tracks, try to persist. The chances are that there are strong emotional reasons why your wife needs to eat. Perhaps you could get her to look at an article I wrote about eating disorders.

You mention having an affair, or going to a prostitute as possible options. Well, plenty of men who want to remain in a sexless marriage resort to the latter.. But if you do decide to go down this road, always, always practise safer sex. But remember that you could still catch something!

Affairs are trickier. What starts as a physical frolic can frequently turn emotional – but maybe that's what you want, deep down.

The sad thing in all of this is that I am sure you are both unhappy. But the fact that you've stuck together so long makes me thing that your marriage must have a lot going for it. So if you can both just break down those silent barriers and get talking, there's a possibility that it can be saved. If it can't – because your wife won't talk, or won't even try to improve things - then you may end up by plumping for one of your other options. You may even choose to end the marriage. But if you do that, at least you'll have the consolation of knowing that you tried everything possible before you decided not to go on.

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