Friday, February 22, 2013

January was a month of considerable loss for me, the least
of which was the end of 30 Rock. There
was a time in my life when losing Liz Lemon might have been the largest point of
impact, but by the time the end of the month (and along with it, the end of a
television era) rolled around, I was so used to the emotional change that I
just let it happen to me. I gave myself permission to simply survive and I
managed to achieve that goal. Let me tell you, it feels like a freaking
miracle.

In February, the wounds have started to heal over, but time
will do that to a person. I don’t think that makes it any less painful. I've emerged from survival mode into something resembling the person that I used to
be, although you can never really go back. I know this. I know this. I guess the point is that I’m doing better.

I find comfort in knowing that things can probably only go
up from here because the odds are most
definitely in my favor. After all, I live in a world where Justin Timberlake is
releasing new music again, so I've got that going for me.

I've recently acquired two new signs that hang in my room.
The first, “Seek out the Joy,” is a print by my beloved Marc Johns. Someone
asked me recently, “So what are you doing with your time now?” I answered
honestly, “I’m trying to fill my life with good things.” This means getting
back to the basics of the things that make me happy. I’m reading lots, writing
some, and taking somewhat calculated risks to get outside of myself. I've been
to yoga twice now. Twice! That is huge for me! I am being careful not to fall
into my usual Simon & Garfunkel defense mechanism of “I have my books and
my poetry to protect me.” This means that I can still read, but I have to
recognize that I need people. I also find happiness in a medium Sonic coke with
cherry and vanilla and extra maraschino cherries. It's the little things.

The second print is one
that I made myself with a little help from a free font and MS paint. “This Year,” by
The Mountain Goats, has become something of a mantra for me. It could come
across as a little defeatist, but I love it. It means good things ahead and
feasting and dancing in Jerusalem next year. In the meanwhile, I am going to
make it through this year if it kills me.

Oh Honey, Sorry 2013 hasn't been good to you. Things will get better. It's only February-there is lots of time for things to turn around. What started as one of my worst years actually turned out to be one of my favorites. You never know what could happen. Sending good thoughts your way...