Subbie Advice

When I write a post I always hope to impart some helpful advice or information for you so and I certainly hope this will help some of you that might be looking or considering your own Dom. The following will certainly save you a lot of wasted time, if you follow my advice. So, everybody ready? This is about the 3 levels of Domness (very inside stuff).

There are three levels a Dom must have in order to be the real deal. If you are looking for a Dom or are starting to communicate with one this might help. If he lacks any of these I’d advise moving on. More than likely he is not the real deal. You can definitely play but as far as a true D/s relationship? No way will it work, trust me. I am going to go ahead and assume he is skilled with his hand and implements so that’s not an issue.

Level 1: Online Vibe

When you chat with a Dom or they send you an email, right away you should feel that something is different. It is not your typical m/f communication. You should get some butterflies in your stomach and maybe a little weak in the knees feeling. You may find yourself saying yes Sir, where you have never done that before. Also you might begin to develop the impression that this may be someone you cannot manipulate for a change. If the vibe is there, congrats, level one check.

Level 2: The Voice

After a while he will insist you talk on the phone. As soon as you hear him say your name, your butterflies should return with a whole bunch of friends. His voice should convey that he is doing more than just talking. His demeanor should come through as well as the fact that you will now be held accountable for your actions. This should be exciting for you and possibly a little scary: heart rate should go up, knees very weak, possible inability to make a sentence, etc. If he transmits the vibe that he means what he says and know he will carry it out, congrats level two check

Level 3: The Look

I do not mean he has to look like a model or be juiced and jacked up like Hugh Jackman in the Wolverine series. The look I am talking about is one that will tell you in no uncertain terms you are in the deep end of the pool. It’s scary because you will have to make the leap and meet him. This puts you in a very vulnerable place physically and emotionally, especially if its decided you will have a session. If you act up or brat and he says nothing, but just gives you the look the butterflies should increase by about 50 times and be more active and chaotic. One thing will be certain, you are about to be truly accountable for all your bad behaviors that you have gotten away with for so long. This time is different because you know you cannot joke or smile or cry or even sex your way out of what you have coming. If the look says this…drum roll please…ta da you have found a real Dom.

One final piece of advice that I have told a countless number of subbies…Be careful what you wish for.

Okay, lets get right to it..What is up with the heading? I am so glad you asked!
There are three words Doms never want to hear a sub say-

Word #1: But (not to be confused with butt)
Dom: “Nik! Go to the corner,”
Nik: “But…”
Ding, ding, ding! Wrong and thanks for playing! Your reward is the Dana (for those of you who are not aware of the Wallop, Curse of Dana paddle, check this out.. It is a great self spanker, too. Just ask the girls!

The WALLOP is made with 1/2″ thick High Grade Heavy 3 ply Conveyor Belt with rubber on both sides. The total length including the handle is approximately 14″ long and the spanking surface is 4″ x 3″ with slightly beveled edges. Two 1/4″ Delrin rods connect the spanking surface to the handle. This gives the piece incredible flexibility and whipping action. With little effort you can really apply the sting and pain.
To respond using the word ‘but‘ is the attempt to engage in some sort of subbie weaseling or make excuses, and will only get you in deeper trouble.

Word #2: FINE!
Dom: “Because you had to talk back, you will also be grounded.”
Nik: “Fine!”
Uh oh… Ding, Ding, Ding! Wrong again!
So, for this little smart attitude, your darling bottom gets to meet Miss Dana and Mr. Cane!
To use this word to to end the conversation is just another way of telling your Dom to zip it. NOT a wise move, my dears.

Word#3: Whatever…
This word is bad news for a subbie bottom. Not only is it dismissive and rude, but very disrespectful. Someone I know (Nik) likes to combine the last two words. My, my….
So Miss Dana and Mr. Cane are joined, in love, by the heart paddle…

The Heart Attack Paddle has an overall length of almost 14″. The red heart is approximately 4″ with two flexible Delrin rods holding it to the handle. The heart is made with High Density Polyethylene and features a textured matte surface with beveled edges. OW!!!
Need I say what this word is equivalent to in the vanilla world? Oh, please feel free to use your imaginations… Because, yes… It is telling your Dom to essentially take a flying leap off a high cliff. And using “Fine, whatever” together… Tsk tsk. You obviously never valued your ability to sit.

So, my poor delusional darlings, I know that, in subbie land, you believe these are perfectly valid responses. They are not …not now.. Not ever.

Now, why would I take the time to tell you these things? It is simple. I truly do care about all of you and am trying to save you some painful consequences here ..
Ask yourself ..okay, so if we can’t talk back, what are we supposed to say?
WITHOUT rolling your eyes, say ‘yes sir’ or, if appropriate, ‘no sir.’
It boggles my mind that subbies fail to grasp this simple rule- no whining …no excuses and no dismissive comments. Bite your tongues! Trust me, quiet is your friend…
Bree always says she won’t have anything but a little stump left in her mouth (and she can be mouthy, trust me), but at least she is able to sit for dinner.

Ahh, I hear it now in subbie harmony
“But, it’s not fair! Okay, Fine! Whatever!!!!!

So these days I have been spending a lot of time writing lines. You know, those horrible boring lines that go on and on and on forever. And to make matters worse, must do them BB sitting on one of those welcome mats that are made from, I dont know what….razor wire? Anyway, due to the sitting on the horrible matt, it is really important to do those lines as fast as humanly possible. So tonight, I conducted an experiment.

Is it faster to write you lines across the page? Or go down the page writing all of the first word, then moving onto the second word, etc. SO I looks like this

I will always be an obedient sub.

I will always be an obedient sub.

I will always be an obedient sub.

Or is it faster to do it like this

I

I

I

I

I

I

then go to the top and add

I will

I will

I will

I will……get it?

I always thought the second way of doing it was faster. Just seemed faster. But for the sake of science, I timed it. Turns out it took me 4 minutes 55 seconds to write it the second way. It tool 4 minutes 30 seconds to just write across the page. So there you go! If you have to write lines, now you know which way is fastest.

By the way, sitting on the horrible welcome matt? I think it is cruel and unusual punishment. What say you?

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Hello my lovelies,…are we all behaving? No- that was rhetorical. lol OK a lot of you have been asking me, sir how do I spot a Dom? At a party or club etc? Well sorry to tell you ladies, we do not wear a big ‘D’ on our chests, or carry a crop in our back pocket.

So how do you spot a Dom? Let me illustrate something for you. I watch movies. A lot of movies. And occasionally they get it right- as far as depicting a true Dom/sub interaction. I am thinking about one movie in particular that really nailed it. You may be surprised at what I am about to say, but as always, hang in there and all will be revealed. The interaction between Anthony Hopkins and Jodie Foster in…Drum roll please………….Silence Of The Lambs!! OK, just calm down and hear me out. I mean sure he was a psycho and killed and ate his victims, but nobody’s perfect right?

Ok seriously, here is the deal. From the first time Clarice lays eyes on Hannibal, if you watch carefully, he already has her. She is mesmerized. Even knowing he is a dangerous killer, she still cannot deny his vibe, his power, and control. He does not have to raise his voice, move around etc..He is totally calm and in control. She is an intelligent woman and she is reduced to a shivering mass. She may not know why yet, but she cannot take her eyes off him, and she is immediately compliant.

Now Anthony Hopkins is a genius actor, but he does not look like Brad Pitt (or whoever you find hot these days). Looks have nothing to do with the true Dom vibe. If a Dom is good looking, its a plus, but not a necessity. So what does this have to do with spotting a Dom? If you see someone or someone says hello to you, if he is a Dom you will feel like Clarice staring, mesmerized, and powerless. You may think I am exaggerating, but trust me, I am not.

Now there is another way you can test if a guy is a Dom, or at least trying… Be a brat. When he calls you on it, say something like “well what are you going to do about it, spank me?” The answer will leave no doubt but thats not nearly as exciting as a Dom just looking at you, and you melting. You need to see a Doms eyes. If you re watching Silence again, (and if you are discovering your sub side, you should) look at Hannibals eyes and how he draws Clarice in without even trying.

So it starts with the eyes.If you do not feel that weak in the knees, fluttering heart, shortness of breath…Keep looking.

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Ok lovelies, this is a very important post. So sit up straight, no double tasking. Turn the television off, etc..It is time you pay attention as if your life depended on it. Because it just might..

Alright, so you have been chatting online with a prospective Dom for a while and he wants to meet. Now it gets real, really fast. Your brain is racing, you ask yourself, am I really going to meet a strange man and submit to him baring my bottom and spanking me? Well, maybe. I am going to list rules for a first meeting. These are not suggestions they are written in Dom Stone. I want you all to be safe out there, and lets face it, there are a lot of crazies on the loose. So write these down or print them out.

Always meet at a public place for a first meeting. Never, ever go to his house. Ever. And never ever bring him to your house. Remember, your safety must be your top priority.

If you meet for dinner, do not drink more than one glass of wine if, even that much.And the same goes for him. If any red flags go up for anything- how he talks, looks, dresses. Even if its a small thing, get out, go home. Listen to your inner voice.

If you are leaning towards having a session the first time you meet, it must be at a hotel. Not his house. Not your house. Not his brothers million dollar beach house. A hotel. That is your only option. A nice hotel which he pays for. ANd make sure the person checking you in will remember you.

Always drive your own car. Never, ever, go in his. Ever.

Arrange for a friend to call you at a certain time on your cell phone just to make sure you are ok.

Safe Words…This is a tricky one. When I was doing sessions, it was always for real misbehaviors-not role play. So I allowed no safe words. So this is a rare instance where i will let you decide if you want a safe word. If you do, the easy ones are green, yellow, and red. For obvious reason.

No bondage. I do not care if this is your thing and gets you hotter than fireworks in a microwave oven. No and no. Not the first time. Ever!

No sex. Yes, you read this right. A real Dom will not even mention sex in a first session or meeting, and if he brings it up, leave. He just wanted to get you alone for this and he is not a Dom. And honestly, I do not care how much you may want to have sex. Don’t do it. Trust me on this. If it is meant to be, it will be. You do not want to meet someone and jump into bed and then never hear from him again. And believe me, it happens all of the time.

Background checks…I think it is ok for you to do a background check on him however, he may not want to give his real name when you first meet. This does not need to be a deal breaker. Trust me, there are a lot of female maniacs out there too. Use your best judgment and follow your ugt. If you are talking to a guy (or a girl) either on chat, email, or phone and something just doesn’t feel right-trust yourself. Move on. your life is too important to gamble on.

No wood implements. Ok, maybe you love a paddle or even a cane, but you do not know this guy. If he has no experience or skill, you can get seriously hurt. His hand will not damage you, even if he spanks as hard as I do. Plus you have to know he can control you and make him submit with his hand first.

Dress. If he is for real, he will probably tell you what he wants you to wear. However, it is acceptable to insist on a thong if going full bare bottomed is just too scary for you.

After care. If he is not caring, and willing to talk to you about how you are feeling, etc. Forget him. He is just a wanna-be. A Doms main concern in a session is the safety of the sub. Physically and emotionally. Obviously the spanking will hurt. It’s meant to, and you may cry, and you may mark. Thats fine. But you must not be ignored after. Corner time is allowed but you must be comforted after. Ladies, do not waiver here. If he is not offering after care you need to move on.

Follow up. He should email or call you if you have been talking on the phone. And he should do this by the next day. A lot of times I did tis that night to make sure the sub got home safely and was dealing with the experience in a positive way. If he does not contact you by the next day, forget him. Unless he has a really good, valid, excuse. Move on.

Rent the movie Strangeland. If that movie does not scare you into following my rules, nothing will. I want you all to know the feeling of a real Dom taking control and getting a real bare bottomed spanking. But most of all I want you to all be safe.

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It seems that this is a topic you are all interested in. Ok my lovelies, let me lead you down this path carefully. Trust me, I will not let you fall. The first thing you need to ask yourself is, what is it that I really want? Do you want a weekend spanking partner, a serious D/s relationship, an age play relationship? Are you seeking real atonement for misbehaviors or just more role play? Or perhaps your desires may even lean darker, maybe bondage, or more of an S&M relationship or experience.

Ok, once you know what you want, you need to put out some feelers. As much as you would like it, the perfect Dom is not going to just knock on your door one day and say “hi looking for me?” You are going to have to find him, or at least put yourself out there so he can find you. So for the purposes of this post, lets say you want a D/s relationship, with spanking as the consequence for your misbehavior. There are some sites like Spank Seek where you can make a profile and search for a Dom. Or Shadowlane and Nu West that have advertisements in their magazines. You want to stay away from sites like alt.com, which is more s&m, and anything that does not have spanking or D/s or DD in the description.

So lets say you are on spanking.com… You need to put up an ad and also get into some chat rooms. Your ad needs to be honest-not only what you are seeking but what you are not. When describing yourself also be honest. Trust me, nothing bugs a Dom more than setting up a session with someone and finding out they are not anything like they described themselves to be. Been there, got a t-shirt and a very uncomfortable evening out of it. So truth, truth, and more truth. So you put up your ad and look, you have a response. Actually, you have alot of responses, so now what do you do? You respond in kind and see if the prospective “Mr. Right” Dom, wants to chat.

So now you are in chat, what do you say? Well first its always a good sign to say sir and be respectful. Tell him your needs, and find out his. Remember, keep it honest. Now pay attention, this is really important and I want all of you to sit up as you are reading this, and pay attention. If he mentions sex, say thank you for responding and get out! No real Dom will bring up sex in a first chat or a first session. Also, no bondage ever, unless you have a trusting relationship. Really trusting, You need to put yourself out there, but you need to feel safe. I always tell nubie subs to rent the movie Strangeland. That movie demonstrate how careful you have to be.

Chat should be fun for you. He should elicit that tingle, with what he says and how he says it. Then, you may want to go a step further and meet. I am going to do my next post on rules for a first session which you will need to burn into your little subbie memories as they are vital in this scene.

Sir John here. I would like to address the do’s and dont’s of setting up an in-person session and how to act during it. For simplicity sake, I am using the term applicable to a M/F scenario and am addressing female subs but everything I say can be applied to any sub, male or female. The general guide should be helpful… whether you are looking to explore a Dom dynamic with a male or female or if you are a guy/gal interested in developing your Dom/Domme chops. OK here is a list and I will expound upon each point.

1. Where can I meet a Dom?

Good question! I would say the best way is to visit some websites. spanking.com has some good ads. If you want more S&M maybe alt.com -but we are not dealing with that level here. Read reviews! If someone has had a bad experience, they will post it. Don’t be afraid to email him/her and ask for details. You can also contact the site manager to see is any complaints have been placed against the user. I also suggest the same be done for the Dom… I have had my own bad experiences with subs who weren’t exactly what they claimed to be!

2. How do I know I am talking to a real Dom and not a wanna be Dom?

Well, you don’t really, but there are some signs you can look for that will indicate he is at least in the ballpark. He should be very nice, but very firm when discussing your behaviors. A “young lady I will not tolerate that” or “It seems to me you need to be accountable for your actions” are good signs that this is a real Dom. If he says you should call him Sir while chatting, that’s good – as long as it is not done the wrong way. This is the wrong way: “You will call me sir, and speak only when spoken to you, tramp.” Hello? Are you there? Well, of course you are not, this guy is a jerk and more of a ‘wanna be Dom’. But if he said something like this: “I assume you have had little training, as its customary to refer to a Dom as Sir as a matter of respect.” Then you can choose to say “yes sir” or brat, and make a smart remark. He will know how to handle it. Like Breanna says, if he can’t treat me like a lady, then I cannot trust him to be a gentleman.

3. The meeting.

Lets say you have talked for at least two weeks. Yes, at least. You must get to know one another and not be afraid to ask the vital questions. Look for consistency, too and a little bit of humility. A man who has the absolute need to constantly toot his own horn is usually one that has some insecurities. If you have doubts, then wait a while until you are positive that he is stable and consistent. He must also be a person of integrity who works on his own self-improvement and personal goals. Now that you have decided it is time to meet, remember this one thing…this is non negotiable…. never, ever go to his house! Always insist your first meeting be in a public place. A restaurant, coffee shop etc.If he balks at this, move on, he is not thinking of your safety and a true Dom would be.

4. After your coffee or dinner, you find that you like one another, and you feel he may be the Dom you have been waiting for. Is it ok to have a session that evening?

I would say yes, if it is done safely. That means he has a hotel room. He arrives first. You never ride with him. After he is settled, ask the clerk at the desk if he is there and get his room number. Make sure the clerk will remember you. I would also encourage you to have a friend call you at the hotel at a certain time. Seems a bit much? Well look, you do not know this man and soon you will be bare from the waist down in a position to be disciplined. Kind of scary right? A true Dom will understand you are kind of freaked out and will take things slow with you. You should tell him that if you say you are serious, that you are having difficulty breathing or with anxiety, etc. that he should stop.I would think a real Dom could punish you just fine with just his hand, but he may insist on some implements depending or your offenses. you need to discuss this prior to meeting. Will he use implements? Will you be marked? He may refuse to tell you and, in that case, you need to decide if you want to pursue this with him or not. Which brings me to number 5-safe words.

5. Safe Words?

On this topic, I have a rather controversial point of view. My opinion is that if you are playing-say doing a role play-bad secretary, etc. then safe words are fine. But if you are seeking real discipline, for actual bad behaviors that you are working on; speeding, smoking, drugs, drinking, etc. In these cases, I do not believe in safe words. I have done many sessions over the years and the majority of women said they came to me because they had used a safe word previously and stopped the spanking before they felt truly punished. Where as after our session, they did feel truly punished, and could get rid of the guilt. I am not saying do not use a safe word ever, that is up to you. But if you need to atone, you will be disappointed with a safe word. Trust me. Oh, FYI, Breanna has tried for years to incorporate a safe word (she loves to find ways to weasel) and my response is always the same… Do you trust me to do what is best for you? Trust takes time to build which is why I insist on taking as much time as you feel you need to learn about each other.

IMPORTANT! There are some psychological issues that sometimes come up, especially during a first session. This is where honesty and trust must come into play. Let your Dom know if you have any concerns about things, as well as if you are on any medications (blood thinners, aspirin, seizure meds), etc. that might affect your session. Honesty must go both ways!

6. Behavior during a session.

A lot of new subbies ask me how they should act during a session. Should I obey everything immediately? Not struggle or complain, etc? Well, here is the deal…. I would recommend a little bratting and a little resistance. My reason is because you need to know that the Dom can control you. If you are able to struggle and get off his lap, or call him names and get away with it, that’s pretty much game over. So give him a little challenge. We Doms kind of enjoy that anyway and it will show you if you are on the right track with the right Dom for you. But while on the subject, let me reiterate, a real Dom never ever yells or curses you or degrades you. If this happens, leave immediately and save yourself a big hassle later on.

NOTE: Some subs like ‘humiliation’ and name calling…. Establish a comfortable and safe relationship with your Dom prior to exploring this genre. Let him know your ‘deal breakers’ in both words and actions.

7. After your discipline…

Here is the truth. If this is a real punishment, it’s going to be painful. Depending on what you are being punished for, coupled with the skill and the strength of the Dom, it could be very, very painful. Tears would not be uncommon, nor would some marks, bruising, or welts. Another vital component to a real Dom is having a caring and understanding vibe after your punishment. He may decide on corner time, but he should also hold you and let you cry it out if you need to. He should also verbalize forgiveness so you can let the guilt go. Breanna also liked to be told that I was proud of her for accepting her needs, which helped her feel less ‘weird’. One cool thing about this arrangement is when its over, it is over. No guilt, no holding grudges. A clean slate. After you leave, the Dom should call you to make sure you got home safely. After that, it is up to the two of you to decide if this was a one time adventure or the real deal. Time will tell. Never settle. If you are careful and smart, you will find the Dom you have been Jonesing for.

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