Quotables From THE TONIGHT SHOW From The Week Of 7/16-7/20

Guys, the big story is that today President Trump met with Russian president Vladimir Putin in Finland. Trump was pretty nervous - which makes sense because most people are nervous when meeting their boss.

They met one-on-one, and the meeting lasted for two hours. Or, about 1 hour and 58 minutes longer than his meeting with Stormy Daniels.

Well, according to experts, Trump and Putin had a lot to negotiate in their meeting. Trump says the negotiations went great. Putin now controls New York and California, and in exchange, Trump got three magic beans.

Actually at the end of the meeting, Trump and Putin didn't sign any formal deal or agreement. Mainly because they both spent the whole time trying to make sure the other guy wasn't Sacha Baron Cohen.

But after their time together, Putin did say that the meeting went very well. In fact, it went so well that Putin said he might make Trump president for another four years.

But after the press conference, CNN, MSNBC and even Fox News slammed Trump for his performance. But Trump said we shouldn't jump to any conclusions until we hear what Cartoon Network has to say.

Speaking of soccer, this weekend France won the World Cup! They were led by a 19-year old prodigy named Kylian Mbappe. After the game, Mbappe said winning the World Cup TOTALLY makes up for being named after a Hanson song.

Before he met Putin, Trump was in the UK where he met with Queen Elizabeth. It got off to a bumpy start when the first thing Trump told the Queen was that he knows all the words to Bohemian Rhapsody.

Some good news here. The 12 boys who were rescued from a cave in Thailand last week are about to be released from the hospital. They said the first thing they want to eat is KFC. Then their doctors were like, "Dear God, haven't your bodies been through enough?"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.17.18

Guys, we have David Spade on the show tonight! Charlie Puth is performing tonight, and Lily James is here as well! Lily is the star of the new movie, "Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again." Of course, "Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again" is also President Trump's 2020 campaign slogan.

Actually, last night, Trump returned home from his trip to Finland. Yep, Trump walked into the White House, then immediately texted Putin that he got home safe.

After Trump threw U.S. intelligence agencies under the bus in Finland, there were protesters outside the White House shouting, "Go back to Russia!" But don't worry, the Secret Service was able to get Melania to quiet down.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.18.18

Did you hear about this? After all the backlash to his press conference with Vladimir Putin, President Trump said that the whole thing was a big misunderstanding because he said the word "would" when he meant to say "wouldn't." The saddest part of that explanation is that it took him 24 hours to come up with it.

Get this. It just came out that Trump spends more money on Facebook ads than any other politician. When he heard about it, Putin was like, "Hey, Donald can spend allowance however he wants."

Listen to this. The World Airline Awards were just announced, and Delta was named the top U.S. airline. They would've accepted the award, but their flight to the ceremony was delayed six hours and then canceled.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.19.18

Guys, it's been a crazy week for President Trump since his press conference with Vladimir Putin. And today, Trump said that he wants to have a second meeting with him. Yep, Trump says there are just some things he didn't get around to screwing up in the first one.

That's right, Trump already wants to meet with Putin again. When he heard, Putin was like, "Ugh, he is so clingy!"

I saw that some lawmakers want the translator from Trump and Putin's meeting to tell Congress what was said behind closed doors. Though it turns out the "translator" was just Don Jr. with a copy of Rosetta Stone.

This is very interesting. Congressional Democrats don't think their midterm election campaign slogan, "A Better Deal," is working, so they're changing it to "For The People." Even the International House of Burgers was like, "Sounds desperate."

Some celebrity news. Later this month, David Hasselhoff is getting married in Italy. He said it'll be a short ceremony, except for the 45 minutes it'll take him to walk down the aisle.

Oh hey, listen to this. I read that Burberry actually burns a lot of their unsold clothes. Then TJ Maxx pulls them from the ashes and puts them on a rack.

Get this. A new study looked at how much air is inside different bags of chips and found that Cheetos has the most. When the researcher presented his findings, his wife was like, "THIS is what you do for a living?!"

Check this out. Australian farmers have started growing giant avocados called "avozillas" that are five times larger than regular ones. It's great - now instead of cutting your hand while opening an avocado, you cut off your whole arm.

Finally, I read that Baltimore just became the first major city to ban soda from kid's menus at restaurants. When local kids heard the news, they were like, "Fine, scotch on the rocks it is."

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.20.18

Guys, we made it to the weekend! It was a crazy week in the news. Everybody's still talking about President Trump's Russia comments. But in an interview on CBS, Trump said he now holds Vladimir Putin "personally responsible" for election interference. Then Trump paused and said, "They don't get this show in Russia, right?"

Trump wants to have another meeting with Putin, and this time, he wants to host Putin in Washington. Then Melania was like, "He can have my room."

Get this. Director of National Intelligence Dan Coats found out during a live interview that Putin might visit. Trump said, "Next time, I'll have my people call your people." Then Coats was like, "Mr. President...I AM YOUR PEOPLE!"

And get this. Microsoft says it actually caught Russia trying to meddle in the midterm elections. The Russians knew they were busted when Clippy the Paperclip popped up and said, "It looks like you're trying to hack an election!"

Oh, I heard that Trump wants to give Air Force One a "makeover." And you can tell he's serious, cuz today he asked the cast of "Queer Eye" if they do planes.

I read that more American families are only having two kids, which means there aren't as many middle children. Yeah, it's all part of the plan to make middle children feel even MORE left out.

And finally, the U.S. Census Bureau found that couples often lie about their incomes when women make more than their husbands. In response, Jay-Z was like, "Why's everyone looking at me?"