This Is Not My Life

No. Really. It's not.

As I promised, I'm slowly putting up all the Breadbox Editions that used to be on fanfiction.net. I plan on editing them first, so it may take a while to get them all up. I'm putting up the three Lord of the Rings Breadboxes in a row because they belong together. First up is Fellowship.

If this version doesn't quite jive with what you remember, it's because I've edited it since I first put it up three years ago. It's largely the same; the changes are just cosmetic. There's less swearing and a few lines I never liked were taken out. You probably won't notice, but I thought I'd warn you.

(Author’s Note: Idea for abridgement comes from the Editing Room. The Lord of the Rings does not belong to me. It belongs first and foremost to the Tolkien estate. Though I’m sure New Line has few things to say about it.)

LORD OF THE RINGS: BREADBOX EDITIONTHE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RINGS

FADE IN (SORT OF):

EXT/INT. DARKNESS

NARRATOROnce upon a time, Sauron got the great idea ofruling the world via some rings.

SAURON, who looks like a kitchen appliance gone horribly wrong, shows off his flashy new jewelry.

NARRATORNot everyone was thrilled with this idea,so there was a war.

Lots and lots of ELVES and MEN fighting ORCS. ELROND looks PISSY.

NARRATORSauron had the One Ring and wastherefore whacking people left and right.

SAURON kicks ISILDUR’S FATHER’S ASS and menaces the hell out of ISILDUR.

NARRATORBut, Sauron rather stupidly reached towardIsildur with his Ring hand and Isildur chopped it off.

First of many shots of SAURON’S FALLING FINGER with THE RING.

NARRATORIsildur could have destroyed it then and there,but nooooo. He was a big dope and kept it.The Ring was not happy with this and quicklyarranged Isildur’s death.

RING calls in A HIT on ISILDUR. ISILDUR gets jumped by an ORC but somehow ends up in a RIVER with arrows in his back. RING ends up UNDERWATER.

RINGWell, this is inconvenient.

NARRATORAnd everyone pretty much forgot about theextremely important war.

GOLLUM goes swimming and picks up a GIANT PEARL, I mean, THE RING.

NARRATORThe Ring did wonders for Gollum’s social life.

GOLLUMPrecioussss….

RINGHoo boy.

BILBO finds THE RING. GOLLUM freaks.

NARRATORWhich brings us to…Now.

EXT. THE HAPPY, PERKY SHIRE

FRODOHi there. I’m extremely adorable.

GANDALF rides up, singing the only poem they bothered to write a tune for.

GANDALFHello, Frodo. Why don’t I not tell you things.

FRODO laughs. It would behoove the AUDIENCE to remember this sound, as they will never hear it again.

GANDALF randomly drops off FRODO and goes to see BILBO.

BILBOI’m going to say some vaguely disturbing things while Gandalf engages in some slapstick.

GANDALF smacks his HEAD.

GANDALFLet’s have a smoke.

AUDIENCEI was gonna go research the RingBut then I got high.I was gonna destroy the bloody thingBut then I got high.Now the world is in imminent dangerAnd I know why.Because I got high, because I got high,Because I got high.

down with ff.net, up with Evadne

i've always loved all your BBEs and when i discovered one morning that ff.net took them down, i immediatley knew what happened and its such a pity that they marked your stories for ff.net death too.

i'm so happy that you're putting them on your Live Journal though! now i can show all my friends once again your great parodies!

i've read some comments and you said that you're going to do The Village BBE, but are you ever going to get around to a Spiderman 2 BBE? as soon as i saw that movie, i could already tell some things that you would make hilarious and i was anxiously awaiting that BBE, but i have realized (now that i read some other comments) that you are very busy with moving to school etc etc. i just hope that you can make a Spiderman 2 one eventually!

keep up the good work and don't let ff.net or anyone else get you down!

Hi, Victoria! I don't think I'll be doing a Spiderman BBE unless I see it again in the near future. The problem is that I saw it, took notes, then didn't have to write anything. When I went back to my notes later, I had no idea what they said. They just didn't make sense. So, unless I can translate them or see the movie, I don't think it'll happen. When the video comes out, sure.

BBE

Ack! Argh! I found your ff.net account trashed this morning and I couldn't believe my eyes. An outrage! A scandal! A...well, I'm distressed, and I hope you can get your Breadboxes up and running soon. Will there be a Crab-Boy - sorry, I mean, HELLboy - BBE on the way? Never mind, I will just be glad to have the old Breadboxes back. cheers!Tawa

^_^

Of course, I already have the original FotR saved to my hard drive. I got sick of seeing Rohan spelled wrong in TTT (the "a" was missing every single time for some reason), so I saved that to my hard drive and corrected it. Then I thought "Why not?" and saved the rest.

Recently, I watched my FotR DVD. And I quoted almost every single line of this. And even when I just wanted to sit and watch the movie in piece, I just kept thinking of of this!

However, no matter how many times I read it, I just love the line "Oh, so it was someone named Baggins in the land of Shire!" ^_^ Fun.

^_^

Of course, I already have the original FotR saved to my hard drive. I got sick of seeing Rohan spelled wrong in TTT (the "a" was missing every single time for some reason), so I saved that to my hard drive and corrected it. Then I thought "Why not?" and saved the rest.

Recently, I watched my FotR DVD. And I quoted almost every single line of this. And even when I just wanted to sit and watch the movie in piece, I just kept thinking of of this!

However, no matter how many times I read it, I just love the line "Oh, so it was someone named Baggins in the land of Shire!" ^_^ Fun.

Re: ^_^

If you're all very good, I'll tell the story of the "a" in Rohan when I post Two Towers. (It's a story of fanatical love, revenge and other good stuff.) Glad you think of this when watching the movie. I am now incapable of taking FotR seriously.

I positively *adore* your Breadbox Editions! I've always meant to write you an e-mail of praise, but I might as well just comment. Anyway, I love them and I think they're hilarious.

I think that what ff.net says about scripts is lame, because writing scripts is as much an art as writing fiction. All of my fics are scripts as well, so it's only a matter of time until my stuff gets booted off as well. Anyway, I'm glad you're posting them here.

I am sad.

Damn, I was going on your ff site for a good laugh because I'm completely depressed, and of course the have to bust ya :( *whines* I want to read all of your breadboxes so my spirit can be saved! :P Anyway, I love you..and your writing skills, I truly do. And that's just a littel creepy, of course. I hope you find some time to post all the wonderful breadbox editions soon, and have fun moving! ^_^ Moo!

not that you need my lowly, uninspired witticisms, but i've always thought that right after frodo volunteers at the council to tske the ring, you should have gandalf as saying, "i told you to wait in the car." that just always seemed to me to be the expression on his face. even so, your BBE's are the funniest things i've ever read. keep up the good work, and don't let FF.net get you down!