Roommate Nightmares: The Workout Fanatic

There are some people in the world who primarily exist to exercise. They go on walks during their work break and run 10ks on the weekends (for fun!) while everyone else is binge watching New Girl.

Although staying fit and eating healthy is certainly important, once you’ve lived with an exercise-crazed health nut, you realize their overwhelming passion for burning calories can drastically affect everyone in their life — especially their roommate.

When your roommate first moved into your apartment, the glaringly white Nike swoosh found on every article of their clothing judged you for swearing off exercise after barely surviving the dreaded middle school mile run. You hoped that maybe your roommate’s love for morning jogs and their Olympic-like physique would encourage you to face your fears and get back on the track. But, then you spy a bag of Cheetos in the pantry that you’d forgotten about.

Now that your roommate is fully moved in, they become gravely disturbed to see that your post-work ritual consists of ordering Chinese takeout, crawling under layers of blankets and allowing the hilarious antics of Chandler Bing and Phoebe Buffay from Friends to soothe you after a long day. Dissatisfied with merely punishing their own body through intensive exercise and dieting, your roommate calls you into the living room and decrees an anti-laziness law upon the household.

Once their tirade about the negative effects of unhealthy living ends, you smirk as you walk back to your room, thinking about how many people will favorite your tweet about your crazy new roommate. Perhaps you can handle the quirks of this new roommate as long as they supply you with interesting content for your followers. Pleased to have found a new Twitter goldmine, you resume the episode of Friends and quickly fall asleep.

At five o’clock the next morning, your roommate barges into your room, blowing a high-pitched athletic whistle and barking orders about that morning’s workout routine. Once the traumatic flashbacks to middle school gym subside, you frantically gather what you need for work and mumble an excuse about leaving early for a meeting.

While in the kitchen, you hurry to pack a lunch before your roommate can lecture you on the benefits of healthy eating. You search the cabinets for the Little Debbie Swiss Rolls that you vividly remember buying.

You notice an empty granola bar box so you grab it and head over to the trash can. Before you can throw the box away, you spot the Swiss Rolls and every other dessert at the bottom of the trash bag.

Enraged, you dart into the living room to confront the culprit. As you attempt to interrogate your roommate about why they have violated your personal property, your voice is drowned out by the ‘80s themed workout video blaring at full volume. Nothing you say can break the trance on your roommate.

You realize that your life will soon involve fending off persistent invites to the gym and hiding desserts in your room. Disappointed with the outcome, and needing to eat these new feelings, you head back to the kitchen to see what remains of the sweets you can salvage.