Immigrant parents should make use of online support groups

When Ferzana Chaze and her husband first arrived in Canada from Mumbai, India, in 2004, they were self-aware enough to realize that adjusting to their new Mississauga life was having an effect on how they parent.

“As new immigrants, our lives are pretty much turned upside down in the initial period of settling in a new country,” says Chaze, who has a daughter, now 7, and son, 2. “A lot of our stress and uncertainty affected our parenting ability.”

It didn’t help that they felt isolated, not knowing many families from similar backgrounds with children the same age. “We really missed the interaction and casual exchange of information and advice, in relation to parenting our child, which takes place in a large support system.”

An idea then came to Chaze stemming from this gap: what if we started an online support group for immigrant parents?

“A support group can really help to vent, to share concerns, to ask questions and to just learn from what others have done before us,” she says.

Within three weeks of its formation, more than 20 members had joined up and began actively participating in discussions online; today there are more than 30 members, and growing.

“Issues raised often relate to doubts about raising our children successfully with a proper blend of Eastern and Western values,” says Chaze.

That seems to be one of the biggest challenges that face newcomers (who are according to 2006 census data coming more from Asia and South Asia than ever before).

Mainstream media is filled with stories of daughters who resist wearing hijabs, boys who don’t want to wear turbans, and teens who want to date across cultures.

But it’s not only about such extreme examples of East versus West. Chaze says she’s concerned about her children learning the importance of academic achievement and respect for their elders. “My daughter has no context about some of these cultural expectations we have of her and so does not see the importance of them,” she explains.

“I sometimes wish that she could interact with other children whose parents have similar expectations of their children. It is difficult to be effective being the only voice in her environment communicating a message that is very different from what she is hearing around her.”

So what can be done? Should immigrant parents adjust their expectations? What about their style of parenting?

Research has shown that immigrant parents are struggling with adjusting their parenting values and style now that they’re in Canada. In a recent study about parenting issues for newcomer families conducted by the Centre for Research and Education in Human Services and the Joint Centre for Research on Immigration and Settlement, most parents surveyed admitted that their methods, styles and attitudes toward parenting had undergone major changes.

The parents studied were consciously making parenting changes not necessarily in harmony with what they knew or believed. “Some parents found it hard to reconcile their cultural ways of parenting with those of Canadians. Often parents wanted their children to fit in, but they did not want them to act in the ‘Canadian’ way,” says a summary of the findings. “They also found it hard to raise kids traditionally according to their old culture because the ‘Canadian’ ways of parenting were supported by institutions and the community.”

But are most immigrant parents resistant to change, as newspaper reports of tragedies might suggest to the casual reader? An online poll on Canadianimmigrant.ca suggests the opposite — that the majority are, in fact, open to the idea of learning new ways of parenting in their new country.

In response to the question, “When there are cultural and religious struggles between immigrant parents and children, what should occur?”, 72 per cent of more than 600 respondents believe that parents should compromise and allow their children to explore Western ideas, while also teaching them the value and benefits of their own beliefs; 22.3 per cent went so far as to say parents should let their children decide their beliefs and values for themselves with no interference; while only 5.7 per cent thought children of immigrants should strictly adhere to their parents’ values and ignore Western ideas.

Singapore-born Wan-Yee Tan, another founding member of the Yahoo group, says, “A fine balance is what we hope to achieve. I would like my [six-year-old daughter] to retain some of the core values that I grew up with, such as respect for elders, work ethic and importance of the family unit, and know who she is and where she came from.

“But by choosing to live here in Toronto, we’ve implicitly chosen not to raise our child like the kids back home. But I’d like to think that most of the Eastern values that I deem important to the upbringing of my child are not unheard of, if not common, in the Western world,” she says.

“In speaking with some of my friends who are born and raised in Canada, I’m convinced that they too find these values to be important as well.”

Chaze and Tan are doing a good thing by bringing these immigrant parenting issues into the open, particularly with their children still so young, says Daljit Gill-Badesha, a family counsellor at immigrant services agency Diversecity Community Resources Society in Surrey, B.C., and a coordinator with a community-based Office of Early Childhood Development, Learning and Care.

“Fact is, we’re raising our children in a multicultural context,” says the mother of two (ages two and four). “Some immigrants see negatives in Western ways of parenting and hold on to traditional values. But focusing on either East or West is an extreme. [Immigrants] need to find a new way parenting that accommodates both sides.”

Gill-Badesha applauds the concept of the online immigrant parenting group as a way to connect with other parents in their new home. “I always say that in India, it takes a village to raise a child, but in Canada the village is still there, it just looks different. It includes people of different backgrounds and cultures, and professionals like counsellors, preschool teachers and skating instructors. We just have not adapted to that new village. We don’t reach out to these new people, which leads to [immigrant] families feeling isolated in their parenting.”

Above all, Gill-Badesha recommends that parents remain open to listening to their children and be a little flexible as children grow. “As a parent, we have a responsibility to evaluate our parenting skills. Ask yourself, ‘Can I do this better? Am I doing what is best for my children … or what’s best for me?’”

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Founded in 2004, the magazine began with a mandate to "inform, educate and motivate" immigrants to Canada and assist them in their new found journey. Since then, the magazine has grown to be the only national multi-platform brand for all immigrants to Canada, on topics from careers to education to settlement.
Canadian Immigrant not only connects newcomers in Canada, but also aspiring immigrants from more than 150 countries.

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