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Horoscopes

Aries: You say you are happy to not have to go to school. Just wait until you have been quarantined for six weeks and do not have anyone to talk to but the stuffed animals we know are still on your bed.

Taurus: It may be impossible to reach 25 hours of screen time per day, but we applaud your efforts.

Gemini: Just because you can stay on top of your schoolwork does not mean the rest of us can — please teach us your ways. We are begging you.

Cancer: Now you really have no excuse not to clean your room.

Leo: Stop complaining. If all the extroverts in Washington can stand social isolation, so can you.

Virgo: This is just a friendly reminder that despite there not being school, it is still important to get out of bed once in a while.

Libra: We do not know if we should be impressed or terrified by how much Netflix you have watched since school was closed.

Scorpio: Only crazy people get up before 8 a.m. when they do not have school. Yes, we are talking about you. No, it is not “natural.”

Sagittarius: How on earth do you still look so good after only eating jelly beans and toilet paper for the last two weeks?

Capricorn: Essential oils are not a replacement for washing your hands. Use some freaking soap.

Aquarius: Do not get too comfortable, you will have to talk to people again one day.