Kira's Story, Chapter 5

Obsidian had gone directly to the throne room after locking Kira in the dungeon. He would have begun the ceremony immediately, but his journey had taken less than an hour and he still had to wait on the squad bringing Seth in from the gypsy settlement. Based on the time it had taken the messenger to arrive and the time it had taken him to retrieve Kira, Seth would arrive in another hour or so. Then he could begin. But until then, Kira could sit and mope in the cell, bemoaning the loss of her precious Caden and her inability to stop Obsidian from becoming all that he could become. Obsidian would have to be careful, though; any lapse in concentration, any flood of emotion, could distract him and cause him to lose the goal he’d set about so meticulously pursuing. It was almost within his grasp, and all he had to do was stay focused until he had completed his mission. So he’d settled to pacing back and forth to ease his mind and pass the time. He had ordered the guards on the city’s outer walls to send a messenger in the moment the squad was sighted. He could go down into the dungeons and gloat over Kira, but he had no desire to do so, and didn’t need to listen to her whining about his ‘evil actions’, so he simply paced back and forth in the throne room, letting the solitude of the giant room and the beauty of the light from the stain glass windows send waves of calm over his energized spirit.

Finally the long-awaited knock came on the massive, wooden doors to the throne room. The messenger entered and quickly kneeled before Obsidian, his chin resting on his chest. Obsidian tapped him on the shoulder and he looked up.

“The squad was sighted off the western walls, as expected, my lord. They bring the elf Seth prisoner, as promised.”

“Excellent.” Obsidian said. “Now go to the dungeons, and have the guards bring the Lock to this room. Tell them to be ready to bring the Key to me, but not until I send for her.”

“Yes, my lord.” the messenger said, rising and silently leaving the room. Obsidian stood and listened to the reverberations from the doors being shut dampen into silence. Then he resumed his pacing. His goal was so close, moments away even. He really needed to calm himself down.

Kira had fallen onto the cell’s floor, and hadn’t gotten up. She lay there, silently at first, then had cried for a moment, remembering how Obsidian had taken Caden from her again. She thought about how many had already died because of her: her parents, Caden, Landon, and who knew how many more during Obsidian’s revolution. And all had died because she was the third Key. She cried some more, then sat up and brushed the tears from her eyes. Caden’s training was coming back: to remain strong in the face of danger, and to fight with all she had, were two of the principles Caden had taught her. She wouldn’t let Obsidian break her; she resolved to fight him as much as possible. She pulled out the note that Caden had given her before he died, again. She wiped away the fresh tears that sprang up, and gently unfolded it. It was a small piece of paper, with one sentence written on it: “The eyes are the window into the soul.” She turned it over, but there was nothing written on the backside, just that one sentence that Caden had thought important enough to give her. She scooted over to the wall and let her back rest against it as she scrutinized the note, trying to find some hidden meaning in the message. Eventually she folded the note back up and slid it into her pocket. She rested her head against the wall, and after a few moments fell asleep.

When she woke up, she had no idea what time it was. She wasn’t sure what had woken her up, then she heard it again: the soft scraping of metal on metal. She sat up, and stared silently as the door to the cell swung open. The warden, his entire person grimy, stood with his hand on the key, and a pair of guards stood behind him, hands on their spears.

“It’s time.” one of the guards said, motioning her out of the cell. She folded her arms around her knees and shook her head no.

The guard sighed heavily. “Please, just cooperate. I really don’t want to have to drag you if I don’t have to.” Kira just sat and shook her head no again. “Please.” the guard said, his voice pleading. Kira looked up, surprised at the genuine emotion in his voice. “If you don’t walk,” the guard explained. “I am ordered drag you the entire way by your hair.” Kira heard what he said, but her attention was drawn to the strange vision she was seeing as she looked into his eyes. She wasn’t sure how, but she could see that the guard really didn’t want to cruelly drag her as ordered, but would follow his orders if he had to. She was seeing into his heart, she realized, and wondered if that was what Caden’s note meant, and if he knew she could see this way.

“Fine.” she said, standing up. “I’ll go, but I won’t do whatever it is Obsidian wants me to.”

“I truly hope so.” the second guard said, securing her in the shackles he held. He smiled apologetically and said, “Sorry, Obsidian’s orders.”

“I know.” Kira said quietly, following them out of the dungeon. They walked up several flights of stairs at the end of the hallway until they reached the main level of the palace. The guards were joined by four more soldiers, each with a sword drawn.

“Obsidian’s not taking any chances.” the leader of the new group said, his tone revealing his annoyance. “He thinks she can still escape.” he commented dryly to the first guard as they walked towards the giant wooden doors that led into the throne room.

“Well, I’d like to see her try.” the second guard said, smirking, as the doorkeepers opened the doors to admit them. In the center of the room stood Seth, his hand on the upheld, smaller fist of a young boy. Obsidian stood, his back to them, staring at the stain glass windows. He turned when they entered, and smiled hospitably when he saw Kira.

“Thank you for coming.” Obsidian said to her, then nodded at the guards. They quickly removed the shackles, and all but one of the soldiers left the room, leaving Kira alone with the strange trio in front of her late father’s throne.

“I didn’t have much of a choice, now did I?” Kira said harshly, crossing her arms.

“Kira, surely by now we can speak to each other in nicer tones than that.” Obsidian scolded her gently.

“Don’t mock me.” she said, her eyes fierce. “I’m here, but I won’t do whatever it is you want of me.”

“Kira, anyone can be persuaded. It just takes the right…motivation.” Obsidian said, shaking his head in disappointment. “Take Seth, for example. He was just as stubborn as you, yet when his precious Enna was in danger, he suddenly saw the light.”

“I swear, Obsidian, you touch one hair on her head…” Seth growled, glaring at the tyrant like an enraged, caged animal.

“Seth, you don’t have to help him.” Kira said, knowing her words were empty and a waste of breath. She knew that if she were in his position, she would do the same for the one she loved.

“He has my wife and child!” Seth said, almost sobbing out the words. “What else could I do?”

“You have a child?” Kira asked, surprised.

“He will.” Obsidian said, then added, “Or would have had, I should say, if she doesn’t die first. Seth and Enna are expecting their first, and it’d be such a shame for her to have to die before their child could be born.” Seth’s grip on the little boy’s hand tightened, and the boy whimpered.

Seth looked down, and with an effort relaxed his grip on the child’s hand. “Sorry.” he managed to whisper.

“Now, Kira,” Obsidian continued, ignoring Seth’s apology, “I need your help to finally become what I was born to be. So I ask you, will you help?”

Kira looked at him, and began to refuse, then sucked in her breath as she saw his eyes change, or rather open to her sight. She saw that Obsidian would do whatever it took to convince her to help, even if it meant grinding her spirit into dust to make her cooperate. She looked at Seth, and saw in his eyes desperation; she saw that he didn’t want to obey Obsidian, but had no control over the circumstances, and was completely stripped of his resolve to fight as long as his family was in danger. She looked back at Obsidian, who was now smiling.

“So you can see, now.” Obsidian said. “I was wondering when you would learn about that.”

“What is it?” Kira said, slightly bewildered by the ability.

“It’s called sight, Kira, true sight. You’ve known that your mark on your hand made you special; it does, Kira, much more so than you’ll ever truly understand. You are the Soul Key, and that lets you see into the hearts of others. But you also know of its other use.”

“Yes.” Kira said, dropping her gaze. She knew this was why Obsidian had relentlessly pursued her, and what he was going to ask of her.

“Kira,” he said softly, as if he cherished the very sound of her name, “You are the third Key, the last piece to unlock the Portal that will make one of us very powerful. You know that I have the resolve to wait however long it requires, and do whatever it takes, to open the Portal. And only I know how to open it.” Kira looked up, ready to hurl the plethora of insults that were springing into her mind, but his expression stopped her. He was smiling, and not unkindly. He looked at the small boy standing next to Seth, and smiled lovingly. “This is Eben, the Lock to the Portal. You are, of course, familiar with the stories that it takes the three Keys to unlock the Portal, correct?”

“Well, that is only partially right.” he said, smiling at her like a father who had found a way to bestow wisdom upon his immature children. “If we combined the three Keys without the Lock, then one of us would be transformed, but not in the intended way. That is the meaning of ‘Unity or Discord’. Without the Lock, Discord would be unleashed on the last Key to join the group. But combining the three Keys on the Lock will open the Portal, and release the full potential of the final Key, giving that last Key Unity. I will be the final Key, Kira, but I need you to place your hand on top of Seth’s. Please, do this not for me, but for your kingdom.”

“My kingdom? No, I will not.” Kira stated firmly. “If I were to do this, I would unleash a greater evil than is already in you, Obsidian. How would that be for the good of my country?”

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Is this a review?

Comments

Firstly, you need to need yo work on the beginnings. You want to pull the writer in not bore them away. You have a good plot in your hands. If you want the readers to reach to it you need to have them hooked. Give us suspense, some emotions which don't sound nuts.

Kira heard what he said, but her attention was drawn to the strange vision she was seeing as she looked into his eyes.As Penguin mentioned things happen too quickly (and not in a good way too)Here for example, as soon as she reads the letter she has the ability to read the emotions in the eye. Did the letter trigger some inner power she had? If so, show that(note, show not tell). Because it sounds crazy that she has a new power all of a sudden.

“Thank you for coming.” Obsidian said to her, then nodded at the guards.Please tell me he was being sarcastic. If he is not that just sounds funny to me and makes Obsidian look like a complete psychopath for he had ordered the men to drag her by her hair!

Overall, this is a far better chapter than your before ones. I can see improvement. Well done.

The first paragraph is again an info dump, albeit of a different nature. Instead of showing us Obsidian's nature, you tell us what he's like. Obsidian doesn't need to think about what he should and shouldn't do, at least not when it comes to this. He's a suave evil mastermind, come on. Or at least, you're trying to have him be so. At the moment he seems rather under-developed, as with most of the characters here. The way he discusses the time elapsed is also strange, for me. His conversation with Kira seems to have taken about five minutes, basically. It was really fast dialogue. The journey to Seth.. wasn't that the previous day? That's so strange. I have no idea at what time most of these events have happened, so I am going by assumptions. You may want to clarify on that.

And then, we have the transition to Kira, where she resolves not the let Obsidian break her. Of course. The sympathetic dungeon guard is also very cliche. Characters so far seem to be very two-dimensional, stereotypes introduced as you fit.

Also, from the conversation with Seth in the throne room, she seems to know Seth. Does she? Some parts of the conversation seem to be as if they're familiar with each other. The introduction with the lock, and how Obsidian tells us about the final bit of the prophecy. That seems very forced and info dumpy. How do they know? Why does a Lock exist? Why was he not introduced before, if he was so important. There seems to be a lot of backstory here that you haven't actually covered. I don't really know what to say, refer to my conclusions in the previous chapters. I seem to be lacking crucial pieces of information, and the information that has been force fed to me I have not yet digested, but you go on ahead and force feed me more information. It just doesn't seem natural, the flow isn't easy, all that jazz.

but his journey had taken less than an hour and he still had to wait on the squad bringing Seth in from the gypsy settlement. Based on the time it had taken the messenger to arrive and the time it had taken him to retrieve Kira, Seth would arrive in another hour or so.

What? Whaaaat this timeline doesn’t make sense! They told him about capturing Seth last chapter didn’t they? They said they had him but that was an hour ago and the messenger got there so easily but also it took an hour for the sergeant to get to the camp at least but she hasn’t been in the other world that long. Really timeline, please.

Did he just pace for an hour? “She was seeing into his heart, she realized, and wondered if that was what Caden’s note meant, and if he knew she could see this way.” This is remarkably fortuitous! Thank heavens Caden got there just in time to give her the note that she absolutely needed, and that she apparently had never noticed this amazing magical gift she presumably has had all her life. (I’m sorry for the sarcasm, but seriously, consider this).

Your use of info dumping – giving information in a big heap really unrealistically is getting in the way of this being a good story, I’m so distracted by just how ridiculously unlikely so much of this is that I can’t get into it at all. What is Obsidian even doing? Is he a teenager needing validation? He’s falling into that evil tyrant trope of explaining all his plans right before the good guys beat him, you know? It’s all just really silly. You’re not giving me any reason at all to believe what is happening. I need more information about what is happening and mostly why and how. Why should I believe any of what is happening?

Added to this you need more description or imagery, because I don’t have a picture of anything that is happening in this story. I can’t see the cell or the throne or even the characters, they’re like faceless puppets because you haven’t given me any idea, over the course of five chapters, what they look like.

I know that seems like quite a lot to throw at you at one time but I might as well say it all now and I suspect I’ll be saying it for the next twelve chapters because these are two of the biggest issues we’re working with in these chapters. Too much happening too quickly with no context or description. Why should I continue? Give me a real reason.