Starting a Relationship? Don't Let Psoriasis Get in the Way

Being open and honest is the key, say Diane and Alvin Talbert. Her psoriasis is a nonissue in their long-standing marriage.

On Diane Talbert’s first date with her husband Alvin, psoriasis covered nearly 90 percent of her body. She decided to talk openly with him about her condition. “I didn’t know what she was talking about,” Alvin admits. “I’d never seen anyone with it or heard of it. But I also knew on that first date that she’d be my wife, with or without psoriasis.”

Today, 15 years later, the Temple Hills, Md., couple, both 52, are happily married, and Alvin remains her number-one advocate and supporter.

In a 2008 National Psoriasis Foundation survey, 35 percent of the respondents said they limited dating or intimate interactions because of their psoriasis. Besides other burdens of the disease — such as feeling self-conscious or embarrassed — having to “break the news” about psoriasis at the start of a relationship can be daunting. The key to their long-standing relationship, say the Talberts, is open, honest communication.

Be direct about it as early as possible, says Diane, who has lived with psoriasis for 46 years and developed psoriatic arthritis 20 years ago. “Communicate with your spouse or significant other. If you don’t let them know how you feel, they will never know. My husband always asks what he can do to help. There is nothing that will make it go away, but just knowing that he cares helps a lot.”

Since the earliest days of their relationship, Alvin has been at Diane’s side. He helped apply oily moisturizers. He attended all of her doctor visits, asking questions and making sure he could help with her treatments. Sometimes, he just let her vent her frustrations.

“When we found out her medication would cost $4,500 a month, I didn’t want her to have to worry about how to get it,” Alvin says. “We both contacted the insurance company and with the help of her doctors, she gets her medication. (We) pay $400 a month, but it is worth every penny to see her clear, pain-free and happy.”

Several times throughout their marriage, Diane has experienced erythrodermic psoriasis, an extremely severe and painful form of the disease. The first time it occurred, psoriasis covered 95 percent of her body. A diagnosis of “the worst psoriasis she’d ever seen” from their dermatologist prompted Diane and Alvin to research the condition online. They found the National Psoriasis Foundation and connected with the psoriasis community.

Alvin took a two-week leave of absence from his job to help Diane because she was in so much pain that she could barely walk. “It made me feel good to be there for the one person who means the world to me,” Alvin says.

The Talberts have been open about psoriasis with their whole family. They have six grand­children, all of whom know about psoriasis. One of them wants to be a dermatologist so she can help find a cure for the disease.

Diane and Alvin joke that they are never seen without each other — they go everywhere together. Both lead a Washington, D.C.-area psoriasis support network and attend National Psoriasis Foundation conferences and seminars together. Alvin distributes materials about upcoming psoriasis-related events to hospitals and doctors’ offices.

The couple say they have made psoriasis a nonissue in their lives. “Alvin has never once been ashamed of my psoriasis,” Diane says. “I used to be ashamed. Alvin told me not to worry about what the outside world thinks.”

An Expert’s Advice: How to ‘Break the News’ About Your Psoriasis

Having psoriasis can add to the stress couples sometimes face when they’re just starting to date and become intimately involved. We turned to an expert — Allan Chino, PhD, a Portland, Ore.-based clinical health psychologist who specializes in pain management and chronic diseases — for advice on how to tell someone new about psoriasis.

“Turn feelings of intimidation around 180 degrees by…taking control,” Chino says. “Rather than waiting for the other person to notice it, take the initiative to address the matter so that you can choose when the discussion takes place.”

Also, he says, be upfront about your feelings. Talk about them openly, even if they don’t happen to be particularly pleasant at the moment. “Sharing feelings, coupled with good communication skills, will almost always strengthen connections.”

Here are some other tips from Chino:

Instead of approaching the discussion with hesitancy and fear, visualize yourself with a calm, confident demeanor, as if the psoriasis is merely a small, almost insignificant “sidebar” to your life story.

Tell each other truthfully why you are attracted to the other person and why you want them in your life. For most people, psoriasis isn’t a big deal. Usually, this type of interaction helps people “take back their power” from psoriasis.

Don’t make your psoriasis a centerpiece of your identity or the focus of your relationship.

Work to make psoriasis a “nonissue.” Then you’re dealing with things most relationships encounter and working to provide one another with love and support. To the degree that both partners make the psoriasis “invisible,” Chino says, “they’ve got it made.”

Finally, the best thing a partner can say to someone with psoriasis is, “Oh, that’s right. You’ve got psoriasis and it flares up every once in awhile. I almost forgot.”

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