Friday, May 27, 2016

You Absolutely CANNOT Fix Stupid...No Matter How Hard You Try!

Hey, all! How are ya?
Long time no talk. I know…I know…that’s
totally my fault! I took off for the
convention in Nashville without the power cord for my laptop. So I had to go online and order a new one
from Amazon and have it shipped to the hotel…but, alas, too late to get my blog
written. So my apologies for being
MIA!!!

Okay, so I’m back
online with my new power cord, and this week’s blog is about stupidity. Those of you who know me know that there’s
nothing that gets me spun up faster than stupid…and like Ron White says, “You
can’t fix stupid.”

And I know it’s not
just me that agrees with that because I used to have a trailer hitch cover that
said, “You can’t fix stupid.” Used
to. Not any more…someone stole it. Speaking of stupid, I think that one speaks
for itself!

Anyway, my friend, K.
T. Roberts, and I drove across the country for the Nashville conference, and I’m
happy to report that stupidity is alive and well everywhere!

For starters, we
stopped in New Mexico at a fast food restaurant, which shall remain unnamed. Suffice it to say, when my son was very
small, he misunderstood the commonly accepted nickname of the restaurant chain
and insisted on calling it “The Gold Narches”.
Enough said.

Anyway, K.T. and I pull
up to the speaker and I order “two large iced coffees, black…one decaf, one
regular.” Seemed easy at the time. Oh, silly me!

“Two large iced
coffees?”

“Yes, black…one decaf
and one regular.” I’m making sure they
don’t miss anything.

“Would you like cream
in that?”

Seriously? K. T. and I look at each other and shake our
heads. “No, black.”

“You want sweetener?”

Really? “No…black.
Just coffee and ice.”

“You want that iced?”

Sigh. “Yes. Two
large black iced coffees, but we need one of them decaf and the other regular.”

“Okay. That will be (whatever the price was) at the first window.”

Finally!!!

So we get to the window
and the coffees come out. I look at them
and they look suspiciously identical. So
I ask, “Which one is decaf?”

I get the blank
stare. “Decaf?”

Sigh. “Yes, decaf.
One is supposed to be regular and the other decaf.”

She shakes her
head. “They’re both regular. We can’t do decaf iced.”

Are you effing kidding
me?

I take a deep breath,
glance at K. T., and struggle not to laugh at the look on her face. “Do you have decaf coffee?”

The girl nods. “Yes.”

“Do you have ice?”

She nods again. “Yes.”

I know it’s wrong, but
this just called for condescending. “So
just pour the decaf coffee over a large cup of ice.”

I get the blank stare. “But the ice will melt.”

Are you freaking kidding
me?

I take another deep
breath and smile. “Yes, it will.”

She is still confused.

How? How is this confusing? How?

I must be skating
dangerously close to the “out of control” foul line because she now has to go
get the manager. Clearly annoyed, the
manager comes to the window and informs us they don’t have iced decaf coffee.

Noooooooooooooo…not the
manager too?!

Again, “Do you have
decaf coffee?”

The manager nods. “Yes.”

“Do you have ice?”

She nods again. “Yes.”

“Then put lots of ice
in a big cup and pour the coffee over it.”

And I am NOT freaking
kidding you…I get, “But the hot coffee will melt the ice.”

I’m still smiling…now
it’s because I’m desperately trying not to laugh because I can’t take much more
stupidity. And I don’t dare look at K.
T. because her internal thoughts (and mine) are shrieking though the cab of the
truck—Are you effing kidding me? It takes all I can muster to reply, “Yes,
it will…and that’s fine. Just use lots
of ice.”

Problem solved. The manager now turns to her employee and
gives her permission to pour hot decaf coffee over the top of a cup of ice and
give it to the morons at the drive-thru window.
Yeah!!!

Oh, wait…one more thing
she needs to confirm—“Do you want cream and sweetener in that?”

WTF?!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!! When did “black” stop meaning “black”?

We get our drinks…finally…and
we leave the drive-thru, about to pee our pants because we are laughing so
freaking hard. I have never in my life
had so much trouble trying to order an iced decaf coffee, black. What the hell is so hard to understand about that? Seriously?

Well, the story doesn’t
end there…not only did we encounter the same scenario at least twice more on
our trip…almost verbatim…but our next stop was a dollar store. Now, keep in mind that this is one of those
dollar stores where EVERYTHING in the store is…wait for it…ONE DOLLAR!

So K. T. and I do a
little shopping and take our treasures to the checkout. I’m the first to be rung up and my bill comes
to $24.00 and change…which means I’ve purchased…you got it…23 items, give or
take a bit for sales tax. I swear on my
life, the checker processed my card and then looked at me and asked, “Would you
like a bag with that?”

Really?

I cut my gaze to K. T.
and she had the same stunned look on her face that I’m sure was on mine. Now, I don’t care if all I bought was chewing
gum…23 packs of chewing gum would be tough to navigate to the truck without a
freaking bag!

You would have been
sooooooo proud of me! I didn’t give her “the
look”, I didn’t point out how difficult it would be to carry 23 items—makeup bags,
bows, nail files and brushes—to the car without a bag. I didn’t do any of that. Nope, I didn’t even smile and say, “Here’s
your sign.”

BUT I WANTED TO!!!

No, I just nodded and
said, “Yes, a bag would be good.”

She gave me a bag, we
bagged my stuff, K. T. paid for hers (and got a bag too), and we hightailed it
out of there. And you can bet we didn’t
drink the water…it could be contagious!

I have had a few of those moments... it amazes me! I recently gave a guy money for food I ordered... I was supposed to get a dollar back... he looks at what I gave him... says he did not have enough change, goes to someone else and returns with 72 cents???? I shook my head... what happened to simple math!?

I hear ya! I once tried to order a half-dozen chicken nuggets and the kid told me they only came in 3 and 6. After looking at him for a few moments, waiting for him to laugh, I decided he was serious. So I just said, "I'll take 6 then." The guy I was with had to leave the restaurant to keep from laughing at the kid. Sad, but true!

Kayce, just reading your post over gave me the sweats again. LOL You recapped it perfectly, and yes, Ron is right, Jeff is right, and so were we. Let's hear it from he audience. Repeat after me, You can't fix stupid!