Who doesn’t love a three-day weekend? I’m solidly in the camp, and can’t wait till somebody in Washington finally gets off the dime and proclaims Monday holidays for March, April, June, and August. Surely we can find someone or something worthy of a getaway weekend or a “Super Sales Event!” during those long, drawn-out months.

The third Monday in March could be “Mud Day,” to commemorate what you see most of in March if you’re not seeing snow splattered with mud. Great opportunity to sell ice cream with cute names like Mississippi Mud, or just mud-like flavors like fudge ripple, or any chocolate ice cream with chunks of anything hard and potentially dangerous to your undercarriage… to remind you of what driving down muddy roads does to your car’s undercarriage.

Politicians could line up banquet appearances with local groups and fling mud -- metaphorically speaking – at their opponents.

The families of dour former newsman Roger and John Wilkes Booth’s doctor Samuel can hold big reunions where they can watch that old Star Trek episode, “Mudd’s Women.”

A few mudslides should hold us all until April, when some of us get Patriots’ Day. But the rest of the country needs a little break in April, too. Waitaminnit! We could make Earth Day an official day off and everybody could hop into their cars and drive to the celebrations or just head off on a nice five-hour drive someplace. If you’re stuck home, take a leisurely tour of all the drive-through stores and fast food joints in town. But before you do, be sure to buy your “Carbon Footprints,” giant, oversized sandals shaped like -- you guessed it! -- instead of UGGS. (Are they named for the Paleolithic entrepreneur who first made a pair from mammoth hide?)

Movie of the weekend? Inconvenient Ruth, the wacky adventures of an elderly gnomish sexologist who runs around asking awkward questions of Al Gore and anyone else whose knees she can reach.

June is screaming for a less than manic Monday, isn’t it? Let’s see, we’ve got Flag Day, but that’s on the 14th: too early. And they’ve been trying for years to get that one federalized, but it just hasn’t worked. Not enough merchandising tie-ins.

Hmmm. Mike Tyson ‘s infamous attack on Evander Holyfield’s ear was in June of 1997. Ka-ching! I see Van Gogh retrospectives in art museums and framing shoppes everywhere and “Holyfields” on the menus at state fairs. You know, half an ear of corn and punch. But still, that’s not enough on the consumerism scale.

Wait! Why not just extend Father’s Day and make it Father’s Weekend? One day more for haberdashers, Sears, and cufflink makers to cash in. Plus, it gives Mom an extra chance to pamper Dad, who collapsed on the couch in exhaustion after he served Mom that Egg McMuffin in bed back on Mother’s Day. Poor guy hasn’t been the same since.

That leaves August. We need something to balance out the obvious Bolshevik-Socialist-Workers Festival of Progress that the crypto-Wobblies call Labor Day. Of course! American Economy Day! We could even do a two-fer and remember honorary American Winston Churchill, who said in August 1940, “Never was so much owed by so many to so few.”

It’d be fun! One percent of us could take off while everybody else worked an extra part-time job and paid proportionally more taxes and had no voice in the government just to make sure the 1 percent were having great fun in their vacation homes. Trickle Down Monday promotions would be all the rage with the Good Humor man: he could sell the ice cream that ran down the sides of cones and bakeries could hire Marie Antoinette impersonators to eat cake all by themselves, and those who could afford one could wear their “I’m a maker, not a taker” T-shirts.

And you know how we always say “I wish it could be Christmas all year long!” Well, 1 percent of us could wish the same thing about this holiday, too. But their wish came true a long time ago.