DERF Happy Hour

Struggling retailers welcome holiday shoplifters

CHICAGO, IL - Retailers across the country are reporting a better than expected turnout of holiday shoplifters, dispelling projections of another down season. This comes as excellent news, as many retailers count on the busy holiday shoplifting season to make their quotas for the entire year.

“I had a feeling things are going to be good on the morning of Black Friday,” said Best Buy Vice President Bernard Lewis. “We have reports from stores around the country of shoplifters lining up outside just waiting for the doors to open.”

Suppliers are optimistic that the holiday shoplifting season will be solid, and are prepared to keep any and all hard to find items on the shelves for even last minute shoplifters. “We know that this is a new economy,” said Target marketing manager Toni Swift. “We have to compete with online fraud, but in the end we hope shoplifters will still choose retail establishments for their holiday shoplifting needs.”

“I think things are really looking up,” said shoplifter Eric Rolfes. “Sure, the retail scene isn’t perfect right now, but there is something about the holiday season that makes you just want to get out there and shoplift.” Eric went on to say that he has almost everything crossed off of his Christmas shoplifting list, and then scurried off to a waiting car.