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Thursday, July 2, 2015

I was a good kid. I
rarely got in trouble. I never broke the
rules. I wasn’t a rebellious teenager in
the least. And though I admit to trying
a few of my college roommate’s cigarettes, I can honestly say that I have never
smoked.

So why my son asked me the other day if I ever smoked, even
when I was younger, I could honestly say, “no, I didn’t,” although I’m not sure
he could take me seriously because I had a cigarette hanging out of my mouth.

“No way I smoked.That stuff will kill you.Literally.Like I’m not even
joking, it’s really insane.Now how does
it look when hold it like this?” I asked, moving the thing from the
between-the-fingers position to the thumb and index finger hold.

“You look ridiculous, mom.”

And I knew I did, which is exactly the problem.A role in an upcoming theater production
finds me on stage, at a bar, smoking a cigarette while my doofus boyfriend
sings a song to me which is all good except that I feel like incredible fool
trying to pull off smoking a fake cigarette.It’s as unnatural as trying to stick my toes in my ears and flying
through the air while singing Carmina Burana, which would be more likely than
me actually taking up the habit of smoking cigarettes.

But a girl has to practice because there’s a long span of
time when I’m there, center stage, not doing anything but listening to him and
puffing away on a stage prop.So that’s
exactly what I do.

There are fake cigarettes all over my house.I make coffee, I practice smoking.I work on my computer, I do it with a smoke
in my hand.I fix my hair, there’s a
cigarette hanging out of my mouth.I
watch myself in the mirror from the front, from the side.I’d probably be up to three packs a day if I wasn’t
just using the same ones over and over.

And yet, I’m horrible.It’s got to be one of the nerdiest, most pathetic things I’ve ever done
in my life, but I’m really okay with it.Being able to truthfully tell my children that I have never smoked (as
evident by my consistent, terrible practicing) is not such a bad thing.The CDC reports that at least 16 million
Americans suffer from a disease caused by smoking cigarettes, and the American
Lung Association states that 90% of all lung cancer is directly caused by
smoking.I like breathing way too much
to play with any of those statistics.

I think I’ll stick to the stage cigarettes, and hope my
children follow my lead and keep the smoking to bar scenes.

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Karrie McAllister writes and mothers from Small Town, Ohio, where she is also in the running for having the most unrelated part time jobs. Her column, Dirt Don't Hurt, has appeared on numerous Web sites and newspapers since 2005, and this blog is how she keeps track of them all until she can publish another book. Contact her at KarrieMcAllister [at] aol.com