WESTERVILLE OH- David Ribley thought all he got was 35 cents in change at the gas station. Upon a closer look, he realized that he had received an unusual quarter. "I've been a collector for 14 years and haven't seen anything this amazing before. I'm not sure how this made it past the mint's quality control." Mr. Ribley allowed us to photograph the coin to share with our readers. As you can see the quarter on the left is normal. The quarter on the right has been stamped upside down.

Mr. Ribley currently has no plans to sell the coin. "I call it the Upside Down George. For now I'm gonna keep it. This is too valuable to put a price on." When asked what he might sell it for he replied, "At least a hundo. Maybe two."

ST. LOUIS, MO – Show me the money! The people of the United States outcry for fiscal responsibility has reached the breaking point and Washington is attempting to track down where the Troubled Assets Relief Program (TARP) money has gone. Looking west, they found some of it. Congressional Auditors located a portion of the 700 Billion dollars financial bailout money living under a dank, I-70 overpass east of St. Louis.

The money, dirty and disheveled, looked to have been there for about three weeks. There were urine stained bill wrappers and broken rubber bands cluttering the ground. Some of the bills had been folded down the middle for use at a Gentleman’s Club. There was an overriding odor of MD 20/20 and pennies. The money was unwilling to leave the overpass and unresponsive to our reporter's questions.

Back in Washington, we attempted to question several of the major banking institutions. Bank of America’s representative was unrepentive, “Do you know how much money goes in and out of our doors everyday? We can’t be expected to keep track of all of it.” When we described condition of the found money, Bank of America smirked and said that sounded a lot like Wells Fargo’s kind of stash.

Wells Fargo said it can't provide any details about any mishandled funds until it releases its fourth quarter statement, though the bank said it intends to check into the found money and what nudie bars the money might have patronized. J.P. Morgan Chase’s representative was unavailable while doing his own research off-shore.

The FBI has been aware of the found money and has put out a poster in the hopes of attracting some attention and developing some leads.

As for the bailout money found under the overpass, other destitute also living there said that the money has since moved on and was last seen hitchhiking south on Interstate 55.

I used to love the word panties as much as I loved panties themselves. Panties. It’s a fun word that elicits excitement and opportunity or at least it used to. The only reason to talk about panties was when a girl was getting into them or, hopefully, out of them. And imagining if the panties matched the bra or maybe even no panties. No panties!

Panties!

But now… panties have lost their luster. We are potty training our daughter and what I hear now is, “Ann pooped in her panties!” or her yelling in defiance, “NO PANTIES!” No panties used to be good. Now it means a two minute chase around the house and five minutes more of wrestling them on. I never thought I’d have to fight a girl to get her panties on.

I rinse out poopy panties in the sink. I watch my daughter gleefully point out Dora the Explorer on her panties. I go to pick them up off the floor and realize she took them off because they were wet. I rinse more poop out of panties.

I do not believe there is any way to “un-gay” yourself, so you better get used to it. But there are several ways to mask your gay so that your friends and family will think you are straight. I have several friends who are closeted gays and I have helped them to sequester themselves way in the back behind the luggage and the backup ironing board. So with the assumption that you are a gay dude, here are ten ways to hide your man gay:

1. Become a religious leader
No one would ever suspect that a religious leader would be gay. This identity will allow you to hide your sexuality AND persecute others who are brave enough to live their lives. Be careful about over persecution… We all know what confessional those guys are kneeling at.Whoa! That guy looks 100% straight in that vest! PHOTO CREDIT

2. Wear Wranglers
Gay guys would not be caught dead in Wranglers. Even the guys in Brokeback Mountain wore vintage Lee jeans. Wranglers are straight man camouflage.No gay man would be caught in these pants. Well... you know what I mean. PHOTO CREDIT

3. Build “Ships in a Bottle”
This isn’t gay, it’s just odd. Concerned family members might attempt to get you dates or involved in social clubs, but they will never suspect your sexuality.

4. Drive a bland, American car
Nothing screams gay like a man driving a 2012, yellow VW bug. Hide yourself behind the wheel of a 2002 Ford Focus. No air freshener or fuzzy dice. A dashboard compass will enhance the illusion. Make sure there are fast food wrappers on the floor and the maps should be folded incorrectly.5. Don’t eat sushi, calamari or plantains
Those foods sound gay to the uninformed. Also, be careful at Asian restaurants. One order of Moo Goo Gai Pan and your work buddies might start asking questions. General Tso’s Chicken is a sure bet, straight man’s food. Just make sure you mispronounce the Tso part. Better yet, go to Chick-fil-A.

6. Keep your cash folded lengthwise
By keeping your cash folded lengthwise, everyone will assume that you have been or are going to the nudie bar. When you do pay with cash, tuck the bill into the cashier’s waistband. If it’s a guy cashier, smell the bill as you hand it over and say, “Smells like cotton candy my friend. That’s the one that almost got away.”Don't fold it too neatly! PHOTO CREDIT

7. Hang out at the hardware store
CAREFUL! As many gay men read my website, you may all pack up, head out the door en mass and end up clustering in the plumbing isle. Spread out. Don’t look at the cabinetry or the appliances. Stick with hand tools or hinges. When a friendly customer service person asks if you need help, reply loudly, “What? You think I’m gay or something?”

8. Don’t have an opinion
At parties, especially during an election year, political and social debate may arise and you might be confronted with a question about same sex marriage or gay parent adoption rights. It’s best to curl your lip, act kind of squeamish and say, “I don’t really have an opinion.” You may think that gay-bashing is in order at this time, but I think we all know that those who bash the loudest are over compensating.

9. Talk about how great a president Ronald Regan was
Simple. Easy. 100% effective. Again, you need to walk a careful line on this one. Don’t talk about Nancy’s clothes or how rugged Ron was in his earlier years. Drop “Cold War” a few times and how disappointed Regan was that he never got to nuke the shit out of anyone. Just shake your head and mumble, “Good ole days.”

10. Have sex with women
I know it’s gross… but sometimes desperate times call for drastic measures.

Dave is in Maine. Even though they DO have phones there, it takes him so long to spin the rotary dial that we just chat on-line instead. Here was our conversation this morning. (Please don't tell Miss Sally about her gift. Or the other parts of this.)

Eric Hutchinson is a cool cat. A younger dude with two other guys in the band. He splits his time between the keyboard, guitar and cracking wise. His music is soul and a hint of pop. I would say he’s like Jack Johnson right after getting dumped and then punched in the head by Stevie Wonder, but I’m horrible with comparisons.

After the show, we were hanging out in the back bar. Eric stuck around and was hanging out with some of the locals. Somehow a cake appeared. I’m not sure if the bar got it for Eric or if Eric has cake in his rider. Either way, he offered us a piece. Cool cat.

Skully’s is a very loud place and communication can be difficult. Yelling, “You are smoking hot!” to a chick can be easily misinterpreted as, “I have dog shit on my foot!”

To avoid confusion, we have developed a series of hand gestures to help you communicate during your time of need.

I can drink a lot moreA very common question at Skully's is, "You want another drink?" This is non-verbally communicated through one of several common gestures. The answer, though, should not be passed off with a simple "yes" head bob. Instead, try the following:

Hands to the sides and say, “I can drink…….”

(Pause for effect) Raise them above your head, “A LOT MORE!”

Back off Bitch!Sometimes a woman cannot control herself and will attack you bodily on the dance floor. If she cannot hear you yell at her to back the fuck off, whip off your belt and give her this non-verbal signal to the head.Punch to the Bald HeadAre you sick and tired of bald guys getting all the hot chicks? What I really hate is when two of them show up to the bar and exponentially scoop up all the hotties. When you finally grow weary of this, pop the following hand gesture on the hairless bastards to break things up.

I'm MarriedSkully's is a dangerous place for a married man. Young, hot chicks can smell a keeper and they will thrust themselves upon you. When you find yourself in this situation below:

Pull back and point at the ring:

You might break the youngin's heart, but it's best to get it over quickly.

You might have to repeat this often throughout the night in different situations.

Two Many WitnessesSometimes you will meet a hot chick that wants to ride you around the dance floor like an 120v electric bull on 220v. Sadly, many of the friends you came to Skully's with would disapprove of your contact with said young lady. To share your disappointment with a colleague who understands your predicament, use the following series of hang gestures

Too

Many

Witnesses

Chicks I've Banged TonightSometimes it's OK to brag. Hold up those fingers and let the people know how many worlds you've rocked that night.

Marry MeAt Skully's, anything can happy. Love flows like melting records at a World Harvest Church Music Burning. If the moment is right and the love in your heart cannot be contained, buy a $5 rose from the guy with the bucket of $1 roses, drop to one knee and profess your silent love.I am the Happiest Man in the World Right NowHard to arrange. Difficult not to get beat by your wife once she sees it. Worth every second.

The 0th Law of PhysicsThis Law that states, “Every object in the universe at one time in its life, will end up in the back of Russ’ 1985 Nissan Maxima Wagon.” Simply put, whenever we got in a bind, we could find the solution somewhere in the back of Russ’ car. When we got lost in Cincinnati trying to find a toga party, there was a U of Cincinnati brochure with a small map that showed us where Kit lived. When I needed a pen, there was a stick with a burnt end that was good enough to write down seven numbers on the inside of a sugar cone wrapper that I also found back there. You could always depend on the 0th Law of Physics. There was always various amounts of change for parking meters or laundry. Or a random audio cable that could be used as a belt. And there was always usually a half pack of cigarettes. Some say the Russ sold that car. Others say he wrecked it. But I know that one day, that car appeared in its own backseat and ceased to exist in a puff of logic. Fortunately, this happened about ten minutes after he had traded it in.

Ray’s LawThis Law wasn’t named Ray’s Law until Ray fell prey to it. Before it was Ray’s Law it was, “Don’t Order Anything that Anyone Else Orders Law.” When ordering dinner at a restaurant, never order any meal that someone else orders. First off, it adds variation to the meal. It’s fun to look at other people’s food and make fun of their taste. But the main reason not to order the same meal is to avoid mass food poisoning. If the canned salmon is bad, you don’t want the whole table going down. If only one person eats it, then only one person can get sick. On a business trip to Omaha, NE, Ray and Martin and I were having dinner at a Cajun restaurant. Ray ordered what I was going to order (The Blackened Catfish) and I made a point of ordering something else. When I explained the DOAtAEO Law to him, he laughed. We ate and had a good time making fun of each other’s meals.

At 2:00am in the morning, Ray called my hotel room. He was blowing it out of both ends. He blamed me. I shrugged and re-named it Ray’s Law.

One Second Browser Window Close LawThis Law states that one second before you close your internet browser, someone will turn the corner into your cubicle or walk into your office. All they will notice is that you were on the internet and that you immediately closed the browser as they walked in the room. They will assume that you were looking at porn. You can not make any excuses as to why you closed the browser or say that you were not looking at porn as it will only make things worse. Just say it was the Browser One Second Law and they will understand. When they leave, go back to looking at your porn.

The Internet Oneupsman LawThis Law states that you know a Law that is funnier or better than one of mine. If so, leave it in the comments below or e-mail me at holyjuan@gmail.com and if it is good, I’ll add it to the list and give you credit.

I had to get a PPD or tuberculosis (TB) test done the other day. The tech said there would be a small prick as she shoved the needle sidewise into the subdermal layer. The goo she pumped into me would react to TB and begin to get red and fester if I was positive. When she withdrew the needle the injection site bled a bit more than she thought it would. She stuck on a band-aid, told me to come back in 48 – 72 hours, slapped me on the ass and I was on my way.

That was Wednesday.

I showed the injection site to my co-workers. There was a dark bruise where the needle had gone in. I said that was not a TB reaction and more from the needle. I told them they would know if it was a positive test. We looked at positive results on the internet. The positives ranged from a silver dollar sized discoloration to a fist sized, red, angry blotch. I wasn't worried.

Then came Thursday.

I didn’t have time to run into the doctor’s to get the injection site checked at the 48 hour mark so I decided to wait up until the 72 hour mark. Three of my co-workers were in a meeting and I decided to play a joke on them. I went to Steph and asked her for any makeup to create a false positive on my arm. She said she didn’t have any (or that she didn’t want her make-up on my arm,) but directed me towards the oil pastel “crayons” at the drawing table. I used some red, orange and brown to make a pancake sized blemish around the injection site. The pastels were hard so I needed to mark a dark line and then rub the area to spread it out convincingly. I showed my work to Steph. She shook her head and got the pastels back out and made my crappy attempt a lot more tuberculosisy. Then I waited.

When the boys got out of their meeting, they gathered around Clair’s desk. I walked up and reminded them of the injection. Then I pulled up my sleeve to reveal the "festering" site.

They were torn between shitting their pants and clenching their butt cheeks, did neither, and instead stared open jawed while slowly leaning backwards 5 degrees. I expressed my own disbelief and that I didn’t know what to do. We all asked questions that no one answered. I finally said, “This looks like I took pastels and drew on my arm.” They said it did. Then I said, “No, I mean it looks like I drew on my arm with several colors of pastels.”

Erik got it and so did Michael. I think Keegan figured it out around Friday.

We had a good laugh and I washed off the pastels. It took a good bit of scrubbing, but I got it cleaned up.

Then came Thursday night.

Miss Sally was working late and then went out for drinks with friends. I was at the computer when she came home around 11pm. While talking to her she grew alarmed and said, “What’s up with your arm?”

At the injection site, the smallish bruise had expanded out to about silver dollar size. I assumed it was from the rubbing on of the pastels and the scrubbing off of said pastels off.

“That looks like a positive result.” Sally would know. She and her team have to get tested every three years. She's seen a positive result before. I said, “It’s just the bruise.” But then I looked again. The bruise was there, but it had definitely spread out. And it started to look red. And slightly angry. Sally asked, “Did you get it checked?” No. “Are you going to?” Yes. Tomorrow.

And she went to bed.

I stayed up and looked up positive TB tests on the internet. They started to look a lot like mine. Then I looked at what I would have to go through the next six months on antibiotics. With no drinking alcohol. HolyJuan wept.

It took me a long time to fall asleep that night.

Friday morning.

I went to the doctors first thing before work. I checked in and went to the tech’s area. The girl who gave me the shot was there. She said she remembered me. I said that I remembered her and stuck out my arm. Her eyes shot open wide. “That’s a big bruise!”

A bruise? It’s not a positive result? “Nope, you are ok. I remember that you bled after I gave you the injection. That’s the biggest bruise I’ve ever seen from a TB test.” I assume that most people do not rub and scrub their TB test area while fucking around at work. I think I aggravated the bruise a bit. I wasn't about to tell the tech.

I put down my sleeve and smiled, “Yeah, it’s almost like I put marker on my arm.”

If you are like me, you avoid companies that use the Jesus Fish to advertise. It seems very hypocritical. Didn’t Jesus go nuts and beat the shit out of the money changers for exactly the same thing? Do these advertisers think that Christians are blind and will choose a plumber with a fish over a plumber with a one hour guarantee?

I decided to do some research in the Columbus yellow pages to see what I could find.
Plumbers Love Jesus

I don't know why, but plumbers use the Jesus Fish more than any other advertiser. Here are a few plumbing examples:

Fisting Jesus Lover- This guy is putting out multiple messages here:

These plumbers love Jesus so much, they have integrated him into their logos.

This guy has gone completely overboard.

This home inspector may love the Lord Jesus Christ, but it seems like Jesus Fish is chasing the guy. (The guy also looks pretty fem):

I had to include this photo because it freaks me out. There are certain rules about putting your photo in the yellow pages and this lady has broken at least six of them.

I am confused by these fishes.

This fish says "Since 1974." Does that mean that before 1974 they were Pagans? Or is this more Bible math that squeezes our history down into 5,000 years?

Stop Jesus? Stop using Jesus in advertising? I don't get it.

Where's the fish?

I was concerned because there were several places that I did not see Jesus Fish where I thought I should:

Carpenters
Come on. Jesus was a carpenter.

Churches
Gee Whiz! I thought there would be a Jesus Fish in every advert. But none. Zip. Seems that churches don’t feel the need to prostitute Jesus out to get their customers. (Well, at least not in the yellow pages.)

Sushi
There was not Jesus symbol here, so I added my own.

There's just no reason for an aquarium place to use the Jesus Fish. That's just over the top.

I’m not saying I agree, but this extermination company seems to advertise that they get rid of most common pests.

You might be familiar with an experiment that involves heating a container with a small amount of water in it, capping it and then cooling it. The cooling causes a difference in pressure and the result is very fun to watch.

My friend Keegan decided to try this experiment with an oil drum. Here is the result:

He was pretty proud of this experiment and claimed that it was the largest type of experiment he had seen on the internet. That was until we found this one:

Anne and I used to resort to simplistic means of dealing with project management stress and anger through various hand symbols with taglines. My favorite is “COMMIT.” (Create two fists and bump them knuckles together twice in front of your chest. Commit is used when you have a decision to make and decide to do the hard thing, which is usually the right thing.) The one I am using today is “HEART OF STONE.” (Create one fist and place it thumb first on your heart. Heart of Stone is used when you remove emotion from the equation and continue moving forward. Make a stone of your heart.)

I’ve decided to take the route of collecting all my Dave-leaving sadness and cramming it way down into my reality masking, humor generator. Not only can I avoid any possible un-manly emotional outbursts, but in doing so, I will create MORE content for holyjuan.com. I do this for myself, but you, my faithful readers, will reap the reward.

Heart of Stone. In the words of Lloyd Dobler, “The rain on my car is a baptism. The new me. Iceman, power Lloyd. My assault on the world begins now. Believe in myself, answer to no one....”

And now enough of my personal issues and back to comics of Jesus getting hit with a water balloon.