My life is turning into a Family Circus comic

Of all my son’s phases, this one may be the worst. He’s gone through a short biting phase as a toddler, a phase where he was scared of windshield wipers, a phase where he would only eat waffles in the morning and a phase where he tried to jam as many DVDs as he could in my PlayStation 3. (His record: 4.) But nothing makes me want to move into an Extended Stay America hotel more than the possibility of a “saying things like the kids in The Family Circus” phase.

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Just ****ing shoot me now.

I say “possibility,” because I’ve only seen shades of this so far. It started with this exchange two weeks ago.

Normally I think almost everything that comes out of my sons’ mouths is adorable. But that particular response sounded EXACTLY like a Family Circus comic. And I hate the Family Circus comic with every fiber of my being. I hate the forced cutsiness. I hate the way the writers sneak in little religious propaganda, like parents trying to sneak vegetables into their kids’ spaghetti sauce. And I especially hate the way little Billy and Jeffy and Dolly don’t talk like real kids. They speak the way delusional out-of-touch grandparents wish their grandchildren would speak. Other than the fact that everyone thinks the mom is way hotter than the dad, there is nothing about my life that mirrors The Family Circus.

Below are three things I will be watching for as my sons continue to build communication skills. Your Family Circus thoughts in the comments …

1. Being unable to enunciate. As someone who really dislikes Family Circus, I was very relieved when my older son came out of the womb enunciating properly. He starts almost every sentence with the word “actually …” and never does that annoying Family Circus thing where the kids start talkin’ without any “g”s at the end of their -ing words.

3. Being followed around by his dead great-grandparents. It’s pretty easy to spot them. They’re usually sitting on a cloud, laughing or looking really touched at something precious the children said. If I ever go to Heaven (doubtful), I’m hoping there’s a movie theater or something, so I don’t have to stalk my relatives like the grandparents do in Family Circus. What are the ethical ramifications when your grandkids shoplift something — do you have to tell St. Peter and make sure they go to hell? What happens when the kids start experimenting with the weird new urges they’re getting? Clearly no one who writes that strip thought this one through.

(Before I go any further, I should mention two nice things about Family Circus creator Bil Keane: He has a pretty good sense of humor about people who make fun of his strip. “Pearls Before Swine” creator Stephan Pastis has taken a few extremely funny but pointed shots at Family Circus over the years, and told me recently that Keane was extremely cool about it. Bil Keane is also the father of Glen Keane, a talented and innovative animator who was a big part of the Disney resurgence during the “Little Mermaid” and “Beauty and the Beast” era.)

I love my children unconditionally. I always thought that even if one of my sons became a serial killer, I would encourage them to be the best serial killer they can be love him anyway. And I feel the same way about this. If my older son starts sayin’ precocious things with his hands thrust in his pockets, I’ll still love him. I may have to go through life wearing noise-canceling headphones, but I’ll still love him.

It would be easy to say that I’m attacking Family Circus because I’m a negative person, but I’m not. I think life is absolutely fantastic. I can’t believe how much fun I have raising my kids. What bothers me the most about Family Circus is that it works on the premise that the joys that come with real-life parenting aren’t enough. The creators have constructed this alternate universe where children are 15 times more precious and precocious than you’ll ever encounter in reality — as if the occasional moment of parenting bliss isn’t enough. I find that extremely depressing.

Is there a subtle unrecognized genius to the strip that I’m missing? Please tell me I’m making way too much of this in the comments.

(Because Timothy Olyphant’s seminal Family Circus rant from the movie “Go” isn’t on YouTube, I’m including an excerpt below from “A Family Circus Christmas,” slightly altered by Scott Meets Family Circus. Enjoy.)

PETER HARTLAUB is the pop culture critic at the San Francisco Chronicle and founder of this parenting blog, which admittedly sometimes has nothing to do with parenting. You can follow him on Twitter at www.twitter.com/peterhartlaub.