BREAKING NEWS: Manouk Akopyan joins Instagram

This immediately ranks as one of Mankind’s greatest accomplishments. Move over Moses parting the Red Sea. There’s a new miracle bestowed upon thou.

I’ve long been an activist against social media and how it represents all of the exaggerated and hollow beings in society. Some know how to do it right. Others fail miserably, and I loathe them.

But over the course of the last year, many of my family and friends have reacted as if I have Ebola once they learn I don’t have Instagram. I’ve spent countless nights shamed in dark corners knowing that I couldn’t be tagged in a picture.

Well, those days are all in the past. Hopefully Ebola will be, too. I’m relinquishing all rights to my privacy. … Welcome to the “Fabulous Life of Manouk Akopyan!”

–> My exorbitant and epic lifestyle. It’s pretty insane. I hope you can keep up. I just thank #God that I am so #blessed to enjoy every second of it. Now you will too, whether you like it or not. As a matter of fact you should like it. After all, that’s why I posted it for in the first place.

–> For all of you to finally meet my Playmate friends. Not you, dad.

–> Hashtags. Lots of them. Most of them blasphemous because being a pretentious douchebag is what I’ve always strived to be in life. #Blessed.

–> The latest happenings in my career. Name a better outlet for a writer than Instagram. I thought so. Read on.

–> My quintessential photography skills. What better way to realize that I am more talented than I actually thought so that I can launch my postcard business. #CEO #PictureSaysAThousandWords #NoFilter

–> Show off more filters than a coffee shop and offer more collages than a Picasso garage sale. #Masterpiece

–> Selfies from the gym, because is a workout really a workout if you don’t know about it? Sweat-soaked shirts available upon special request. Pouty lips optional.

–> Sporadically post pictures of breakfast, lunch, dinner, but not necessarily in that order. Nothing will get you through your day quite like seeing me power through mine with blueberry oatmeal.

–> Random things that I am doing, like driving, and all of a sudden be like “hey checkout out this amazing #sunset.”

–> Screenshots of inspirational quotes that I Googled just so I can remain relevant on your timeline. Trust me, I don’t know who Sophocles is either.

–> A repository of memes. I will be the second coming of iFunny. iPromise.

–> Subtly show off my material possessions, because I am too #humble and #blessed to do so outright.

–> Periodic postings of ATM slips because I’m about that #RichKidsofInstagram life. #BankOfAmericaAccountGotThreeFigures

–> Lots of Throwback Thursdays and Flashback Fridays because what good is my life, or yours for that matter, if we continually can’t live in the past?

–> Pictures of my nephews and nieces. Since I don’t have kids, that’s all you get – for now. Slide up in my DMs and that could change.

–> My eclectic taste for music. Think of me as your personal Shazaam. Or better yet just think of me because that’s why I posted the Pandora screenshot anyway.