Apr 30, 2009

The Town of Lamont, usually at the tail end of every conceivable pack and list and competition that anyone can possibly imagine, stunned the Palouse with a shocking 'first place' finish in at least one thing, insiders report. "Well, needless to say we are pleased at our first place finish in something" said the jubilant Mayor. "I am not sure who keeps track of these sort of statistics or what exactly we won, but I am not about to look a 'gift horse in the mouth', as they say. We'll take it, whatever it is!!!" he said proudly. "They said something about average annual blood loss due to mosquito bites and the decreased likelihood of being feasted upon by the blood sucking undead or whatever - but as long as we are first that is all that matters! Ahhhh!!! Victory is sweet! Sweet indeed!!! In your face, Sprague!!!" he said ungraciously while unfortunately attempting the popular dance move "The Rump Shaker".

"Well, after surveying the whole state, it was determined that there was an inverse relationship between the indigenous mosquito populations in various towns and the nocturnal feasting patterns of the walking undead - and in no place was this more pronounced than in Lamont" said Martin Finklestein, an area paranormal researcher. "Given my line of research into the bizarre and unexplainable, we have had our eye on Lamont for many years, so when these numbers came back and the obvious pattern became apparent, we had to investigate further. At first we thought the blood sucking fiends might be hesitant to attack people in Lamont because of a preponderance of crucifixes or bottles of holy water carried as lucky charms or something, but given that a vast majority of the citizenry has not seen the inside of a church since they tried to stop their favorite cousin from marrying that guy from Idaho, that was easily ruled out. And although there is an almost unbelievable amount of bad breath that hangs over the town like a funeral shroud, very little of it comes from the consumption of garlic - since that falls into what might be considered the "vegetable category' so it is religiously avoided by the average citizen. Finally, after taking numerous samples, we determined that the incredibly low red blood cell counts that the average citizen has - due to the yearly mosquito infestation - has caused the vampires and blood sucking ghouls to just not deem it worthy to feed there - kind of like an oil company not wanting to put down a new well into an already tapped out field. It all comes back to some sort of disgusting, evil "return on investment' calculation, it would seem" said Finklestein. "There is just not enough blood left in the Town after the mosquitoes get done to make it worth their while, I guess" he said.

"We're #1.... We're #1. Whooo hooo. We WON!!! We actually WON something!!! If we keep this up we can be as cool and well managed as Tekoa!!! " beamed the ecstatic Mayor before collapsing exhaustedly onto the park bench due to poorly oxygenated blood after wearing short pants outside for just 15 minutes twice this week. (Note: The fine folks at Tekoa just started helping Lamont solve a real and very serious mosquito problem - so when you see Kynda Browning or Mayor Jaeger or any of that well-oiled, efficient, professional team, give them a hug! May God bless Tekoa, WA - and may all mosquitoes die!!!!!)

Apr 27, 2009

In a bold move sure to rock the "Flat Earthers" back on their heels once and for all, the lowly Town of Lamont (that has been a town for 100 years, for Pete's sake!) purchased their first 'non-living' vehicle, late Thursday. The vehicle, part general purpose truck and part snowplow, does not eat hay and leave 'road apples' strewn all over the place (especially right in front of the Mayor's mailbox - which given its frequency and concentration could not have been mere random chance - thus increasing the Mayor's extensive and largely justified paranoia as it relates to the cantankerous and vengeful town mule) and will serve a variety of roles within the town, not the least of which is proving once and for all that Lamont may be slow in embracing new technology - but we are not officially dead-end laggards as many in the local region suspect.

"Good gravy, man!!!!" bellowed the Mayor. "This is the dadburn Lamont equivalent of the good old USA landing on the moon one step ahead of the no-good Ruskies back when I was a kid!!!!" he said melodramatically with a patriotic flair. "Sure, it takes a lot of backward thinking and sheer ignorant stubbornness to become and remain the second smallest town in a thriving state, and you don't get that way by running off all 'willy-nilly' and embracing every new fad and 'Johnny-Come-Lately' scheme to make our lives easier. We are not risk-takers like that, and thank goodness we aren't!" he babbled passionately. "We are fairly sure that this whole 'motor vehicle thing' is pretty much a proven concept at this point - but time will tell" he said suspiciously.

"Now, listen, just because we purchased a truck doesn't mean we are going to get all '20th Century' in every aspect of our lives, so we have decided to park the truck in the old mule stallas opposed to some 'new-fangled' garageor something (ironically, this stall belonged to Nellie's mother, Mabel, who served Lamont when men were men and mules were mules - before being put out to pasture in the late 1980's)- and rather than buy a lawn mower for the town we are just going to encourage Nellie (the living one) to get off her lazy duff and keep the park looking spiffy and well trimmed (thus reducing Lamont's hay overhead costs at the same time)" he said, demonstrating his keen management insights into employee motivation strategies and cost/benefit analysis. "Oh, this is exciting" he stammered foolishly while rummaging in every drawer looking for the keys to the new truck. "Darn technology!!! Nellie (the living one) never had to have a key! Maybe this technology thing is not so great after all. Oh, what have we done???"

Apr 20, 2009

In a tragic move that has left a vast majority of the town momentarily sightless and fumbling for the basic necessities of life, a local Mayor selfishly (although innocently) sauntered over to the park to enjoy the warmth of Spring, late Sunday. "Well, I was taking out the trash to get the wife off my back when I casually glanced towards our beautiful park (with over 15 new trees!!!) and it was like the burning flash of 1000 suns reached out to destroy me and rendered my eyes completely useless, for Pete's sake!. My optic nerve was completely overwhelmed as a functioning sensory unit by the outrageous "whiteness" of it all! Oh, it was horrid! Snow blindness in a frozen arctic hell is like a walk in the park compared to this example of man's inhumanity to his fellow man!! If we would have just had those legs at Gitmo we would have flushed out Osama Bin Laden years ago!!! Heck, I felt like confessing and I am not even a terrorist!" said the local citizen who only takes out the trash after excessive amounts of nagging. "At first I thought those darn 'Ruskies" dropped the 'big one' on us, but when I did not feel a massive shock wave and my hair did not begin to fall out (Legal Note: although tragically suffering from extensive pattern baldness that borders on the need for a 'comb-over', his condition cannot be directly attributed to the unfortunate incident in the park so thus the Town is not liable for any damages - although psychological suffering is certainly warrented) , I knew the answer had to be more basic, regardless of its sinister nature" he said.

"Well, let me tell you. I was taking my wiener dog for a walk and just happened to turn the corner at the exact moment that the Mayor passed the swing set as he made his way to the picnic tables" said a now sightless housewife/busybody/town snoop. "Luckily, I was staring at the ground, mumbling about my no-good neighbors so I did not get the full blast of that 'other worldly' glow. The first sign of trouble I had was when my dog 'Princess' began to whimper and tug at the leash. Of course I just figured she wanted to chase a bird or something, but when I looked down she was laying on her belly, paws over her eyes, making the most horrible racket you ever heard!" she said. "That is when I glanced up and received the full effect of those unbelievably white legs and my knees buckled as my eyes just ceased to function. The bad part is, the last image I saw is still burned into my mind, so I am forced to replay that horrible moment over and over - at least until my sight returns after its more-than-understandable little rebellion" she said.

Apr 11, 2009

Dateline: Lamont - In a ritual that stretches back to when the Palouse was first settled by Jebediah Lamontowitz and his herd of free-spirited, 'devil-may-care' cows 150 years ago, the newest ranch hand at the Bodine Ranch was subjected to the time tested and historically significant bonding (some would say hazing) ritual that has served as the glue that holds the local rancher community together during times of thick and thin. The new cow hand, Wilber "Stinky" Snopes, a recent graduate of the local high school (at the age of 20), was lured, as tradition dictates, into a false sense of security before undergoing the exact treatment he will inflict on 1000's of cows in his long and illustrious career as a vanguard of the beef industry in Lamont.

"Whoa! That was NOT funny at all! That was just wrong on almost every conceivable level, for Pete's sake!" said 'Stinky' Snopes. "The last thing I remember was a bunch of the guys milling around, saying something about there being a birthday cake out by the cattle shoot, so having a hankering for something sweet, I made my way out there by the most direct route possible. Then, the next thing I know I was wrestled to the ground, hog-tied like some common beast of burden, I felt a sharp pain in my ear, and a sack was thrown over my head before I was unceremoniously dipped into a vat of stinking liquid and then was heaved into a cattle truck that almost immediately began the long trip to Oregon" said 'Stinky' breathlessly with a slight facial tick. "Somehow during this unfortunate altercation, right after I got that bright yellow ear tag, I think, the bag got pulled up a little so I could see that they were dragging me towards the corral where all the young bulls cease to be bulls, but I made such a fuss and blubbered like a school girl to such an extent I think they took pity on me and just threw me in the truck so I would shut up!' he said (in fact, 'Stinky' continued to make high pitched whining noises and muffled sobs until well past the Oregon border!)

"Well, that was just about the best dadburn initiation we have had in years. All of us cow pokes were a little hesitant about working with the new kid, given his well deserved nickname and all, so we were all excited about making sure this thing went off without a hitch" said Clem Parker, 26, a fellow ranch hand. "I remember when they done that to me right after I got kicked out of the 8th grade and Pa had me go to work for the first time. Sure, I was a little scared, but at least I didn't squeal like a 'nancy-boy' and make a fuss that they could hear all the way down in Colfax" he said proudly. "The best way to have empathy for the cows is to go thru the process yourself, that is what leadership is all about - leading by example - plus, the cows seem to get a kick out of seeing one of us go thru the wringer. That ritual does a whole lot of good for the herd at large, and is not just an antiquated way to put the young whippersnappers in their place" he said sagely.

Apr 4, 2009

After meeting at least 7 of the 9 criteria laid down by the American Psychological Association (APA) for a psychological meltdown requiring incarceration, a local resident, Mary Jo Bodine, brushed off the recent diagnosis of impending mental collapse and instead blamed a popular national breakfast cereal for her woes, late Tuesday. "Well, I have been a psychologist for 27 years and can spot madness from a mile away" said Dr. Justin Davies, an area psychologist. "Although many factors, such as genetic disposition, sudden life changes, substance abuse, etc, can contribute to such an acute breakdown, it stretches credulity to blame this blatant instability on a crunchy, delicious, totally satisfying breakfast treat that makes its own chocolate milk, for Pete's sake! That's just wrong! I eat the stuff 8-10 times a week for breakfast, lunch and dinner (to say nothing of the occasional 'midnight snack') and I am as fit as a fiddle - mentally at least" said the balding, near-sighted, mental health professional who could stand to lose a few pounds (about 40). "Now that I think of it, blaming inanimate objects for one's psychological woes is another sign of mental instability - so that bumps her APA score up to 8 out of 9. That places her firmly in the "totally nuts" category!" said Dr. Davies.

"Sure, I come from a long line of people who have required some level of psychological intervention - who would blame us being cooped up out here on the ranch listening to that constant mooing and having to deal with all of those smells day-in and day-out" said Mrs. Bodine. "But given this extensive, up close and personal exposure to mental illness over the years, I think I am qualified to tell the difference between rank madness and a lusty hankering for some delicious, chocolaty breakfast cereal! It's the Cocoa Puffs, I tell you. Like the ad says, I'm Coo-Coo for Cocoa Puffs!!! I'm Coo-Coo for Cocoa Puffs!!! It's not ME!!! It's the Cocoa Puffs!!!, she shouted while running down the street in a ball gown wearing a football helmet (the helmet didn't even match the gown - who but a crazy person would wear an orange helmet with maroon evening attire?) and occasionally peeking into mailboxes and shouting "I see you in there - You cannot hide from me - Come out and take your medicine - It tastes like chocolate but its medicine"!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA" she ranted insanely.

Apr 2, 2009

A local rancher, Jed Jarmish, now completely hairless from the neck up, is resting quietly at home after experiencing what was, by all accounts, a hair-raising brush with disaster, late Monday. Although reports are still sketchy, early indications seem to point to an overly eager and obviously zealous 'hair removal' technician who, at some point in her formative years and/or troubled childhood, had some disturbing 'life trauma' that somehow had to do with excessive facial hair, the lingering odor of cow manure and/or a slightly pronounced "Neanderthal-like" eyebrow ridge structure - also known as the 'mono-brow'", said an unnamed official. "Something sure triggered that poor girl into action, but on some level we will never know why she responded like she did - and with such obvious gusto! Its all so inexplicable! This might just be a case of youthful exuberance, but even that seems a little understated given the end result of her work here!", he said.

"Well, the wife has been nagging me about the one trait that all of the Jarmish clan so proudly display - (sadly, this recessive gene seems to be doubly pronounced in the family women) - the unique and largely unsettling "mono-brow" that, according to her, should have gone out of fashion right after the last ice age" said rancher Jarmish. "So, I drove all the way to Spokane , checked in at my favorite "Hair-Be-Gone" Salon since they have that weekly special "Missing Link Mondays" - like a 'Happy Hour' for the fantastically (some would say tragically) hairy, and quietly waited for my turn. I must have gotten sleepy, because I dozed off the minute my treatment began - and when I woke up several hours later (feeling an unnatural breeze in unfamiliar places) and made my way out to the truck, I could not help but notice how the crowds of shrieking onlookers parted for me like the Red Sea - but I really had no idea what all the fuss was about - at least not then!" said the aerodynamic yet oddly fashionable rancher.

"In many ways I like this better - especially after I figured out that I could rub charcoal where my eyebrows used to be and I almost look normal. I kind of miss my real eyebrows and eyelashes, though - and now that my once proud 'mono-brow' is gone the rain tends to slide right off of my sloped forehead and into my eyes, but it will really save money on shampoo, I guess" said the unbelievable cheapskate. "The only real downside is the fact that those doggone chickens keep swooping down on me wanting to roost on my head like it is some sacred, mythical egg from some poultry version of the Holy Grail or whatever, and my doggone dogs keep attacking me like I am some kind of bill collector or something. Oh, at least the cows still recognize me", said Jarmish. "Hey, I wonder if you can still get dandruff if you don't have any hair?" he pondered philosophically while dusting off his shoulders out of force of habit, like a smoker bringing his fingers to his lips after years of not lighting up.