Application for coach of Melbourne

Six years ago I applied for the position of senior coach when the Demons got rid of Neale Daniher. Unfortunately no one contacted me. Now that you’ve sacked Mark Neeld I’d like to reapply for the position of senior coach at Melbourne.

Funnily enough the Melbourne football club has spontaneously combusted again. You’re in the same place you were six years ago, though the list might be a little better.

When I re-read my application last night, I figured it didn’t really need changing, since my circumstances have hardly changed, just like yours. I have included my resume below, which I believe improves my chances of winning the role. Contained therein is proof of my extensive coaching experience in the Brisbane Australian Football League.

In short, I have been coach of the Morayfield Might since 1981, winning four premierships and losing three. I have attained many club records, some relating to football, though most were received on end of season trips or during celebrations after the game.

I note Melbourne has sacked their last four coaches. That has to be an AFL record. I hope to become the fifth. Melbourne may as well build on the record.

It has been shocking watching Melbourne this year. Ten losses by more than 75-points meant Neeld had to go, but the Morayfield Might lost by 200-points at the weekend and I am still coaching.

We lose a lot of games by 100 points or more, but I have the unique ability to motivate the players after losses like that, either by promising strippers and putting on free drinks if we win next week. I’d be keen to try some of the techniques I’ve honed over the years at Melbourne.

I believe Melbourne is a club that has the potential to rise up the ladder, as it can’t get much lower. What the club needs to improve is good players and a game plan, something it hasn’t had for the past six years.

Being an advocate for five-year plans, I am confident I could deliver Melbourne a premiership within said time, especially if I can do something about the timid list and lack of passion exhibited by the players.

I don’t want to speak ill of Mark Neeld but he was hopeless, just like Dean Bailey before him. I had to laugh when Neil Craig was appointed as caretaker coach. He shouldn’t be in charge of garbage duty, which, it could be joked, he currently is.

It’s clear from watching the boys play this year they’re pathetic, unfit, unskilled, undisciplined and stupid.

I can change all that, except for the stupidity, through planning and careful drafting. I believe we should target the following players in the upcoming draft:

Kirk Tippett – an explosive player who can kick a hundred goals and tamper with the rules at the same time

Justin Koschitzke – one of the most loved, introverted players in the league. He could play for another five years

Majak Daw – could be a great player when he learns how to play

Chris Yarran – a great team player who never spits the dummy

All the above players would bring a level of discipline, skill and commitment to the club, which may extend onto the football field. Certainly every club needs someone averse in weapons, gambling, drugs, fighting and drinking.

The above men would certainly improve Melbourne’s culture and they should slot right into the leadership group.

They’d also help Melbourne overcome its embarrassing season and woeful record since their last premiership, which apparently was a long time ago, or a short time, depending on your perspective. I mean, 50 years isn’t really that long. Not when compared to the age of the universe.

To further strengthen my credentials, I would bring my assistant coach from the Might, Tim Duffy, who often comes up with good suggestions on drinking venues. I’d also want to bring my fitness staff, who work tirelessly to ensure some of the players train at least twice a month.

I am looking forward to gaining more experience in the football industry and believe a role with Melbourne will do that.

Any suggestions that I was too slow to react during last year’s grand final are wrong. Sure, our opposition had kicked seven goals in a row but I was warned by the umpires not to start a fight before the game.

It should be noted when the fight started, we gained the momentum back and ran out winners, by a knockout.

I look forward to hearing from you, or from your boss Gary Lyon.

Lindsay Guinn

PS – my salary at Morayfield Might is three thousand a season. I will be tough on the negotiations.

Lindsay Guinn’s Resume

Football experience

January 1981 – ongoing

Have coached Morayfield Might to four premierships

Lost three grand finals

Four pre-season premierships

Coached the Taipans representative squad 11 times

Well respected by some people I’ve met and coached

Skills Developed:

Playing football

Coaching men

Winning and losing grand finals

Good understanding of tactics and rules, except the latest ‘holding the ball’ rule

Experience in naming the team

Know when to make reserve grade players back up for seniors

Know how to rotate the bench with tired reserve grade players

Know when to yell at stupid, tired reserve grade players

Can get the best out of good players by drinking with them

An understanding of how to keep the better players away from the pub before the game

Can fight if the better players are in trouble

Know when to overlook bad behaviour by the better players so they can still play, including drug and theft convictions

Can make examples of hopeless players so the other hopeless players know how to behave

Understand playing bad players out of position exposes them

Can praise a footballer for not getting a kick all quarter because he looked like he wanted one

Know when to throw the water bottle during the half time address

Set designated zones for players who smoke during the breaks between quarters

Imposed a ban on alcohol after midnight on the night before matches

Set designated zones for players who didn’t want to drink after the game

Know how to sledge umpires and opposition officials, especially if they’re fat and bald

Can make up nicknames based on a players surname, appearance, sexual preferences or race

Can distance myself from players by not drinking with them during the week

Follow the principle that encouragement is for the weak because the better players don’t need it

Encourage players to be themselves and trust their instinct, except when playing football

Know when to kick a team-mate in the calf muscle if he’s not performing, so he’s got a reason to go off

Am familiar with the reasons why a team should start a fight if they’re losing

Encourage players not to shake hands if they lose

Have stopped fights between team-mates, sometimes on the field, sometimes in the pub

Have encouraged fights between team-mates, if they deserved it

Can quote parts of the bible

Statistics

Club legend

Name on the honour board eight times, officially three times – the others are in texta

Seven photos on the wall in the clubrooms, three relating to football, another club record

Have been on ABC radio twice – club record

Played 333 games – club record

Kicked 913 goals – club record

Captain-coach for 20 seasons – 450 games, a club record

Three best and fairest awards

Six best and unfairest awards

Leading league goal kicker three times

Leading calf-muscle kicked six times

67 percent winning record as coach

Twenty two tribunal appearances, suspended for 47 matches – club and league record

Found not guilty twice because the alleged victim was still in hospital – club record

Divorced twice

Admit to having three kids

Demonstrated skills – production of premierships

Refined ability to win, sound judgement and ability to decipher the needs and ability of stupid players

Produce clear and concise two minute rants between quarter time and three quarter time complete with spittle, swearing and lots of pointing

Better at half time, more swearing, often hit the white board and ask a player if he has balls

Ability to develop core contacts within the team so I know who the poorer players are

Work to club deadlines

Regularly produce match-winning moves in nightclubs after the game

Turn up to training before the session starts

Can train independently when team members don’t turn up to training

Often give hung-over players until the last minute before a match to prove their fitness

Interpersonal qualities

Highly developed and reliable communication skills in all areas that only confuses some players

Ability to inspire people with abuse

Natural personable level of grace and humour which expands to other members of the team, especially during abusive sessions when the team is losing

Am biased against the opposition and umpires

Respect the fact that I do not have an unrestricted right of speech over the team

Encourage team members to speak their minds if their opinions are the same as mine

Know when to inform a player that his efforts were shithouse and he’ll be dropped for next week – it’s best to do it at half time

My name is Matt Watson, avid AFL, cricket and boxing fan. Since 2005 I’ve been employed as a journalist, but I’ve been writing about sport for more than a decade. In that time I’ve interviewed legends of sport and the unsung heroes who so often don’t command the headlines.
The Ramble, as you will find among the pages of this website, is an exhaustive, unbiased, non-commercial analysis of sport and life. I believe there is always more to the story. If you love sport like I do, you will love the Ramble…

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