Herb’n Twine vs. Radioactive Richard Simmons

It’s mid-afternoon in the budding SoLo district. People go about their day visiting the growing number of businesses in the area, when suddenly, a two story tall glowing fitness instructor comes sprinting down Lorain, shattering windows with his vicious cry of “COME ON LADIES!” Richard Simmons has unfortunately been poisoned by Cleveland’s radioactive water supply. Now the gargantuan frizzy haired monstrosity is dead set on whipping a growing Cleveland neighborhood into shape. The cardio driven dance moves, however, are damaging the structural integrity of Lorain and W. 44th, sending citizens running in every different direction. However, the confident craftsmen of Herb’n Twine step forward with the only possible solution to this (and most problems): bad ass sandwiches.

First, they approach Simmons cautiously with a platter of Veggie Subs as he dances to a version of “The Locomotion” only he can hear. Sweaty and hungry the world’s largest jazzerciser reaches down and takes a handful of the delicious artichoke, pear, truffle construction, and finds a perfectly balanced sandwich served on amazing bread. Unfortunately, the attempt to pacify Simmons with veggies backfires. Newly energized, he breaks into a routine revolving around “My Boyfriend’s Back” that requires the use of a chair, for which he’s ripped a bus stop out of the ground.

Knowing they’re the neighborhood’s only shot, the crew at Herb’n Twine double down, this time prepping a round of Smoked Turkey Clubs. House smoked turkey breast and bacon, sun-dried tomatoes and spinach make it the pinnacle of the form. It’s the best turkey sandwich you’ll find in this city. As Simmons greedily gobbles up the platter, the plan becomes clear: tryptophan from the generous amount of turkey on the sandwich starts to slow him down. The pitch of his encouraging cries begins to drop now reaching a terrifying demonic bass, “Is everyone in target heart range?”

With Simmons on the ropes, Herb’n Twine prepares to deliver the knock-out blow. The Chorizo Meatball Sub with smoked mole rojo, lime crema, and cilantro. Simmons looks down at the brown paper wrapped offering seemingly thinking, “Well I am on a cheat day,” and begins to consume the excellently savory, saucy-as-hell sandwich. As he finishes the last one, his eyes begin to droop and he begins to shrink– in size, due to the well established radiation sapping properties of chorizo. And there he lies in the middle of the street, curled up and asleep in a giant tank top.

Knowing the day is won, and no longer afraid for the neighborhood, the team at Herb’n Twine has one final offering. They walk out to Simmons wrap him in a blanket and hand him a cup of Tomato Bisque. He smiles thankfully, picks up his knapsack and walks down the road, thumb out and belly full.