Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Recently Rabbit girl got a Caesar pulled on her by three would be Bruti (yes, I know, you define the plural for Brutus, eh?) Some might say that the little Rabbit did deserve it, as she was stretching out her limbs to tickle the tail of life still swishing under her door. But the three did not stop with the stabbing, no, they left that body alive to see...and now you are here to hear the gaping breathes that still breathes of this story. (suck in hard, gurgle, cough, bleed) And it goes a little something like this....

1) Hid hurt heroically. Held in 1's horror at the happenings so well, Rabbit didn't skip a beat. She skipped to that beat. Until that beat did stopped and her little feet dropped back down down down on the earth to see the quake and shake she did repeat. "Oh sigh, where have I been?" Little paw to mouth as her mind did think. Reckless, thoughtless, violent and mean she was. Mean. Back to 1's hand she tried to be, run to 1 naked, clean and free. Try Rabbit, really try. Gone, and 1's hurt not hiding, but gleaming in 1's eyes to repeat, to re-punish, to rub in the burn that lay on Rabbit's arm. Unbearable the hurt was so strong in 1's eyes that it wrapped around 1's head and pulled it down into the bottle where 1's heart had been returned. (Rabbit put it back there weeks ago.) She drank the pills and fell asleep and when she woke, her dream was real and 1 was off and running straight into the insane. Rabbit let go of 1's hand and cut her tangles of hair from the ankle and....off like a bandage on a bloody wrist.

2) Coiled planned and planted bombs in 2's head. Remembered everything Rabbit and 1 had said. A love story copy, just a copy, and terribly sloppy. Rabbit doesn't drink really and hates it when she swears and always wears clean underwear. Tisk, tisk...some things were not paid attention and 2 was there to drop 1's other shoe. A yes, and then another, so tired and sad the tube fell out of 2's mouth and 2 began to sink. Sink and crush under the pressure that it takes to be someone your not, to walk around with someone else's talk. Pressure and fire began to split 2's seams and all that was left well.....it was all wasted dreams. Swarms of bees began to buzz around 1's head, costumed as sleep, food, and rest. A yes too many and not the right voice, the mask fell off after 1 made the choice. "Poisoned and precious, sweetly and viciously yours, follow the fishes into the desert they will bring you home...." Ah the Rabbit voice heard deep in that sleep and singing a lyric from way back when...London. The true spiral burn the slow deep began to throb and poorly planted crops were reaped. There were weakened husks and shriveled pods from the lack of care...1, sadly was not all there. 2 has gone back to play pretend, but you and Rabbit know what will get 2 in the end. Lovely Karma dresses all in black at times and sings a song of sorrow that has a sharp discord and doesn't rhyme. 2 will continue to play dress up in someone else's clothes as Rabbit clicks, clacks on as she digs her latest prose.

3) Loving lied to Rabbit. Opened Rabbit's hand and put the word "sister" in it. 3 began so slowly a decent into the great dark open water made of four little letters that swirl and grab and pull and consume and continue and repeat and repeat and repeat...L. I. A. R. The open water eventually filled 3's lungs so all that was exhaled was L. I. A. R. Before Rabbit could see all that 3 could only breathe L. I. A. R, 3 and Rabbit opened psychic circles, widened channels and danced to songs sent by the universe. Twisted smoke around their fingers and gathered wood for the witch burning. Under eyes of black 3 held a secret, held a lie...and then the worst part 3 tried to justify. Which is never good, not to Rabbit oh no, oh my my. Curious thing Rabbit can be, the mind of a lawyer she can fully see. Someone can try to hide behind a logic knitted quick and loose then Rabbit comes to cut that yarn and tie it right into a noose. One will drip and hang by their own words and deep demise. Rabbit's scissors are particularly sharp for cutting rambling logic down to size. Rabbit understand that secrets cannot hide, they come to her, float up and out of mouths, like a feather from a pillow, impossible to put back without releasing another. 3 has a ring around a finger to remind 3 of a time when a soul was given and yet....3 touched, 3 got burned, and 3 lied. Rabbit doesn't feel she has gone cold and numb on this subject of 3, for she knew in her deep tiny heart she and 3 was never really meant to be.

So there is another bloody dress to rise from, Rabbit's Ghost of Friendships Future flutters over the body it called home. That body chokes and sputters all the blood and tears in the world as it's ghost repents and gives of itself to the earth and home. Rabbit's ghost looks like the dust in the air on a Sunday when the light is just right through the blinds. Golden, fuzzy and there waiting for a new host like any respectable ghost. It will wait, it will find, it will seek and Rabbit will begin a new...after all what else does the tiny thing have to do?

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Nearly three months ago I found a lump in my left breast. I waited a month to see if it would change or go away, and no change and it didn't. Waited another month, it hurt and concerned me so I called my doctor. I went in to see her after waiting weeks to get an appointment. She was pretty sketched out about it, so she sent me to St. Mark's for an ultrasound.

I don't know if many of you know how much distain I have for ultrasound techs. I do, a lot of it, distain. Not all techs, but mostly the ones I have come in contact with. Some think they are doctors and they try to tell you what their opinion is while you are in a very vulnerable state. Again this was the case with this particular tech. She was very condescending, and didn't want to bother the Radiologist with my results. He wasn't that interested in giving them to me either. I had to wait and wait and wait, because my doctor was once again out of town.

She called and said that yes, there is something there but it was small and just looked like dense weird tissue. She thought I needed to see a breast surgeon to get a second opinion on it. That is what I did today. The receptionist at the surgeon's office was very nice. She called me Sweety and complimented me on my cute ass kids, of course. Joaquin was full on Harry Potter today, complete with English accent. Dr. Naylor came in and examined me. He was also very nice and very knowledgeable. He said that he definitely felt it and had some concerns but was calm about it. He gave me two options, one to have surgery and just take it out, or two to wait three months and see if it changes.

In the months since I have discovered it, it hasn't changed. So...I have decided to wait the three months and see. I couldn't bare to have surgery right now with everything that is going on in my life. The fact that it hurts is a good thing. If it is still there in three months I might just get it removed anyway. I am taking vitamin E and have lowered my caffeine intake, so I will see if that helps it disappear. I am glad that Dr. Naylor was calm about it. I know that it would be extremely hard for me to fight a serious disease like cancer at this particular point in time. Usually my personality is far to feisty to be taken down by a stupid lump, maybe in three months I can take charge of it. Now I need to let it ease away and do my best to take care of myself gently. So...if you find it in your heart to think of me, think of my little lady lump and tell it to just fuck right off, because really, do I need this right now? No, I don't.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Last week we went to Shriner's to have Elodie's wheelchair evaluation. It was sweet. The tech put Elodie up in this giant measuring chair. She was measured head to toe. It was like she was getting fitted for a fancy suit. They stretched out her legs and arms and measured how wide she is. So funny. She was pretty stressed about it, being in that big ol weird chair. She was saying, "Mommy, mom, help," the whole time and doing the "gimme, gimme hand." Those are so hard to resist, but she had to stay put. The wheelchair is going to be tiny, twenty-two inch wheels. It will be small enough that she can learn to get in and out of it. It is teal, we are into teal lately and the kind of frame she needs didn't come in pink. I am glad about that. She has far too much pink.

I am happy about her getting a wheelchair and more independence, but there is a part of me that still can't believe it. My little girl is going to be in a wheelchair for God knows how long. She can move her legs more, and she is getting better at standing on her own, but the nerve impulses to walk aren't there yet, and might never be. It does make my heart ache. No one ever expects a tumor to grow in their baby and cause that baby's legs not to move. At times I blame myself for this happening. I think about my pregnancy and how stressed it was. My grandparents died, my mother went insane, I was still in an ugly custody battle with my ex, I had a small baby Joaquin to care for and I had panic attacks from all the stress. I felt so alone and just tried so hard to keep it together. Camden tried his best to deal with me, but he worked all the time. I remember reading that in Japanese culture the mother has to be protected from all negativity while she is pregnant, or health problems will come to the baby. That small story has echoed in my head. I know, I know, it isn't my fault, but it is so hard as a mother to not want to take on all the responsibility. All I want in life is to care for my children and do the best by them that I can, I feel like I failed Elodie when I was pregnant. I feel I should take some blame because I didn't take care of myself while I was pregnant with her. I took on too much. I still feel like I take on too much, but that is sort of a necessity. There is no one else that can do what I do, so I do it....and I do really love it. A mommy life is hard but ridiculously rewarding. No amount of money comes close to the feeling I get when my kids want one more hug and say I love you with their smiley little faces.

Everyday is interesting and full of dainty evolution. Elodie and I are coming closer and closer to being stronger. She has a lot of special talents. She is pulling up on her knees, big and tall. She speaks so well. She dances (on her bum and knees) and sings, I will teach her to harmonize. She loves everything so much. She hugs hard and kisses hard and bites HARD. Elodie has old eyes and can see right through to the very heart of people. She is going to be such a powerful force in mine and other peoples' lives....and now she is going to do it on wheels!

About Me

I am the SAHM to three children with huge names, but they will grow into them. I have a strong sense of justice and believe in good manners. I am interested in learning so much. Also, I am about yarn lots and lots of yarn!