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I really don't have much to report today. Today, I got a reply from Nibbler, who I spoke on briefly in the previous thread. He is an Indian, not like Apu but like Crazy Horse. And he must have read my post on here, I doubt it but just saying because he actually wrote more than 4 words. He seems to be a busy man...He volunteers somewhere and he is also into artwork as in sculpting. He gave me the name of the place of his employment so I could talk to him but the weird thing is he asked that I not tell anyone he is +. Now I'm thinking to myself, why would I do that? But I could also relate to his fear. Not sure where this will go..The last Indian I was with required my services to help him lose his virginity....I swear it's true but this was back in the day. Ooooh that sounds kinda whorish. I use to go with him if that makes it any better.

The white dude whom we shall call Balmer, thanks for that nick, Moon. I still haven't heard anything from him. As far as Boo, I have noticed he checked his personal ad yesterday morning and I did receive an IM from him. Just weird to me because he was having so many problems with his rig, as he likes to call his computer, but had the time to check his personals... Not sure how to take that. I'll just roll with it.

I have been checking on Pozmatch but I swear there are more gay men there than hetero men. I don't think I'll find anyone on there but will jump on from time to time for shits and giggles. I have ventured out to do daily errands but have still been engrossed in my video game. I'm actually at the end just about and I only started it a few days ago....On to Onimusha Part 2...

I also decided to try my hand at gardening. No, I don't have a yard but I did start some plants and already 2 seedlings has sprouted. I am so proud of myself. I am usually known for killing plants and fish.. I did get 2 movies from Netflix today but hasn't had the chance to check them out..One is a Jet Li movie, I just love martial art movies and Jet is fine as hell to me. Still bummed that he retired after making Fearless. And for comic relief cause I really need to laugh, I got Little Man with the Wayan Brothers.. Have a good evening ladies....

Oh dearest Toke and Haunt Us, oops, I mean, Pocahantas (sp?) perhaps it's your peace pipe (piece of pipe?) that draws Indians your way!! I'm laughing here, envisioning you in a teepee making sure that the right to and the rite of passage (so to write) for a young brave is honored and memorable. Gee, I'm gonna grab the mane of the closest Pinto and gallop off toward slumber.

CristyGlad you liked the quote and sorry you found a needy one, but there's another headed your way. BTW, how are you feeling? I posted in the Sisters' Hysters thread, but perhaps it's easier (more likely) to find you here instead.

I want to know what Queen is growing in her garden, lol! Let's see, I have been widowed 11 years, so yes, I found out I was poz while my husband was still alive. Thing is, he wasn't my husband when I tested poz. We got engaged a week later.....I will try to find the link to Tim's (thunter) thread about lyrics and songs that matter. I posted in there a few days ago, one song each for my late husband who died in '96, and another for my recently exBF who dumped me in Dec '06 because of the virus.

I saw a couple last night and the husband told me that my ex BF actually met a girl online and married her 3 WEEKS after meeting her. Now I hear she has cabin fever in the house that was to be mine. She is going to take him for all that he has....Not my problem, but dammit all.

As for the men, lol! Mr. 53yo and Mr. 6'5" are two different guys. I got home from my friend's last night and what do I find after 6 days of laying low? Jay emailed me yesterday afternoon! Ask Queen, I was IMing her late last night, all crying and confused, hopeful, happy and sad all at once. Apparently he has been having a rough time with the ex and has taken the kids to an amusement park today. I will still lay low and not be so forward, not seek him out online, like I used to. It just stinks cause he is really one of the good guys and treats me very respectfully. I just got my panties in a bundle about a week ago, thinking I would see him again and finally disclose, on Friday the 13th of all days. Turns out he went to his weekend house alone to clear his head and concentrate on the divorce. It was very emotional, getting myself revved up for that #5 date and then having him say the timing was off. I'm surprised he's written back so quickly. I'll keep you posted. (I'm excited as all hell to hear from him, like Queen said, he's thinking of me). He said he tried to email me Tuesday but it bounced back.....

I like Em's quote as well, "You risk crying when you let yourself love." THAT makes perfect sense to me. I couldn't sleep last night because of Jay. I get restless. I actually prayed to God, and said that I knew I was exactly where I was supposed to be but I didn't understand why. I prayed for all of us women, prayed that God would take care of us, teach us how to take care of ourselves in the best way possible, and take away this damn loneliness that some of us are feeling. Someone always said, and I think it was my grandmother, "When you cry, the angels will come." Well, I cried enough for all of us last night. I am very deep, very intense and not afraid to feel emotions, even when they are bad. I think its what gets me through and makes me stronger. Like I said earlier, step IN shit and not AROUND it, face it head on. That's what I do with my emotions when I'm upset. I find it cathartic.

I am thinking about applying for disability because I am a walking band-aid. May have to start a thread on that and get some advice, really never thought it would come to this.

More soon to my best buddies!

Cindy

P.S. - Here is the link to the "lyrics thread." Scroll down to July 14th postings, replies #69 and #71. That should make things a bit clearer. Yes, that was supposed to be my dream house, dammit, it just wouldn't of had Mr. Right in it, lol!

Hang in there Cindy,I don't know if it's in the air or in the water, but you got me crying reading your post today. Please don't despair, it will work out, you are no longer lonely, you have the girls watching after you.

Thanks, Nicole, it was a stressful night last night, being alone with my thoughts of Jay. I have put my feelers out though, like you wouldn't believe, though. I still have to distract myself! I think the tall guys are gravitating my way. Mr. 6'5" is tomorrow night, but in the meantime, two others, each 6'5" and 6'6" have emailed.

Where are the POZ guys? Are they all on the West coast? I cancelled Match.com tonight, I have enough to deal with. We'll see what happens.....

Look what I started, I start bawling and now everyone is bawling. Kinda feels good once it's over at least it does for me because I am the type to hold things in and let them build. Puffs anyone? What am I growing in my garden you say?MMMMMMM....Mums...Lmao...I started 2 different pots. The one pot has already sprouted but the other one hasn't. I'm wondering if I put the seeds too far in? So, I just put some more seeds in. It rained here today and I think it's gonna be pretty cool tomorrow so I brought them in. If they take and get to growing good then I will assign names. I am open to suggestions..

Today was really a bad day for me. My son calls me and tells me that he got into with my sister, the one who raised him...Long story but if you got questions, by all means ask. Of course, she had to talk shit about me. He defended me and he says he is done with her because she is full of hate. It's funny how things come full circle. When she was raising him, she turn him against me. Had him calling her Mom and me Aunt. Ass backwards isn't it and it use to drive me up a wall. That was my is my sister's way of sticking it to me. But now he calls me Mom or Ma Dukes and he finally sees her for what she is. Thank the Goddess for karma. But I also know it is not over because my sister likes to be vindictive. I am just waiting to see what she is planning.

Then to top it all off, I get up and my cable, phone, and internet was off. And before you asked yes I paid the bill, on check day to be exact, that's when I pay all my bills. Since I am hearing impaired, I talk on my cell via speaker phone. I call the cable company asking what the hell is going on and the customer service rep asks me if I have her on speaker. I say yes and she asks me to take her off. Sorry but I lost it. I gritted through my teeth about needing to use it because of my hearing. Now I know she had no clue about my hearing but why ask to be off, don't they record their calls for training purposes or whatever lame excuse they use? Come to find out there was an outage somewhere in the area. What a day. Well, since no cable, I had to leave the house. Actually I could've been on the PS2 but promised a friend I would stop by today. Also I needed to take a break from the PS2 because now my rib actually hurts on my left side.

Nothing popping as far as the dating thing, thought I would mention since it is the topic but I strayed off the subject. Sorry Moon. I got no hits today. But tomorrow is another day.........

Oh crap, it is 5pm here and my date is at 7pm. Mr. 6'5" has been downgraded to "Gumby, dammit." He can't figure out WHERE to meet for dinner and doesn't like chain restaurants. I have scary sick intuition and my gut has been SCREAMING all week to not meet this guy. He just called me on his way home in traffic and still couldn't figure out where to eat. I named all of the (chain) places I usu go to, and he was just blundering on the phone. I AM NOT GOING TO MEET THIS GUY TONIGHT! I am too chicken to call him back right now, but when he calls later I will say I just don't feel like its a good night. He was always a little nervous on the phone, and I gave him the benefit of the doubt. We were supposed to get together about 2 months ago and I left a voice mail which he didn't get cause he didin't check his phone. It was like I was stood up that night because he was a dumbshit. He is definitely not a man, lol! I am going to take the dog for a ride to my Dad's work to pick up some things and when GUMBY calls I am going to say, "I feel really bad, but tonight just isn't a good night." Not my fault if its not a good night cause he is a dipwit. Some things just aren't meant to happen.....

Jay emailed me this morning and sent a pic of his kids from the amusement park yesterday. He says he is feeling better. I should just go knock on his door and jump his damn bones! HE, ladies, is a REAL MAN!

Shit shit shit, two tears in a bucket and all that crap, I can't believe I am going to cancel at the ninth hour! I feel SO bad, but you know what? That's why God gave me RADAR, I should have paid attention much sooner!

That's right, following your radar's read out will save you time and energy and will save him money and energy.

Gumby, too funny. The name you assigned that I like best so far is Mr. He Knows.

Well, I didn't have a date to cancel. My life is boring compared to yours. So, I try not to compare it to yours!!

I'm going to see Michael Moore's flick tonight with my friend. And, the weekend agenda is comprised of a list of DIY projects. I'll just have to figure out what the performance rewards are: walk in the park? ice cream? bike ride? visit friends? see another movie? driving range? horseback riding?

I got back from seeing Dad at 6:20pm and Gumby still hadn't called from 2 hours earlier!! (Date was set for 7pm). I go to test my blood sugar and its 350, same as an hour ago when I took insulin!!!! I was pissed, my pumps have been screwing up lately. I wonder if its my lipo belly that could be the problem, not sure. Ironically, was IMing with a guy online and he does research on insulin pumps, so it was like IMing the "Help Desk." LOL Anyway, my sugar was high, I was uncomfortable physically and Gumby hadn't called. I took the frustration I felt towards the sugar level being high and channeled it into calling Gumby myself! He picks up the phone and says, "I've been home for a half hour and was just getting ready to call." Hell-O?!?!?! Guy is weird....so I say, "I'm sorry, I'm going to have to cancel. My blood sugar is sky high and my pumps have been acting up." I know it sounded like a line to HIM, but I knew it was the truth. Hell, at that point, I called it Divine Intervention, I had a legitimate reason why I couldn't meet with this guy tonight. I must admit that him not being able to take initiative and decide on a restaurant REALLY opened my eyes as to how he is as a person in everyday life. I am a planner, a thinker, I have a schedule bec of health/meds, etc., whereas he is laid back and can't decide on anything. That would drive me insane, hell it already HAS! So, NO I did not go to see him. I IMed online and this hot Norweigian saw me and we chatted. He is only 5'8" (and Norweigian?) but is handsome as all hell, blonde, blue, PERFECT teeth! He wants to drive up on Sunday and see me since I am busy tomorrow. We're playing it by ear, he is affiliated with the army. Yes, he's neg....what did you think, lol? No, he doesn't know....lol. Same shit, different guy, lol.

Tomorrow night I am meeting up with an old old friend of mine that knows me from elementary school. I have only seen him 2x in the past 20 years and we had lost touch about 6 years ago. Turns out, he is the one who helped Jay move his grill back to his house last week. He freaked Jay out, kept asking questions about me and Jay was like , yes, yes, yes.....Finally the friend let on that he knew me from a previous life! The friend has a GF and the GF works in Jay's office. Damn, she has seen him more than I have! She gets to see him 5 days a week, lol! I am definitely going to talk to the GF and friend about Jay and they can go tell him how great I am, and how he'd better ask me out again........dammit.

OK, time to chill and watch a movie........Watch out for Queen McRib tonight

good that u listen to intuition.I don't think you need to worry too much about J., the fact the he sent you a pic of his kids speaks volumes. just hang in there and take it easy. he is obviously slowing things down because he is just out of a divorce. but this is a definite act of closeness.

a friend of mine just had a strange instance with an apparently not-so-divorced guy she met online, who is also poz and kept his status to himself until being quite deep in the relationship. I have heard of many similar stories happening, also to non-poz people, I am not saying J is like that! at all! he couldn't be, not with you knowing his circle etc, just saying that on the internet it is always important to take things with a grain of salt. But if someone chooses to lie consistently, there is not much we could do.

yes going back to J., I can see how disclosing might become more difficult as he physically removed himself for a while. but I am sure you will find the moment. if you tell it the way you told us - the whole story from beginning to end how you got HIV and how you coped with it, there will not be much he can do but admire you. if he gets scared about transmittion, send him to me (lol)! seriously I am thinking of setting up a website for magnetic couples so that people can freely talk about it and new couples can get to see how not-such-a-big-deal-after-all it is, at least not sexually. people always think it's the sex but that is hardly a problem. I remember just being diagnosed, hoping to stay with my ex, and reading through the serodiscordant couples Q&A section in the body, man these doctors are grim, it was all like "it's up to you", "whatever you feel comfortable with", "taking the risk", "it has been suggested that", "there are in fact couples" - you know American docs afraid of taking responsibilty by actually saying something tangible, or they might be sued... Thank God I had that talk at the clinic, not even a HIV clinic, a public health clinic from the local municipality, and the woman was so straight forward. Do this, do that, don't worry, women are much less contagious. It was so laidback and matter-of-fact. But I am digressing. Please when you disclose to him, and I know it's hard to do because we so fear accepting responsibility for us, don't underestimate from the sheer tininess of the risk. Now, if I said that on a general public HIV forum as I did before, I would be flamed to death, but I am just not willing to accept wrong or misleading information for the sake of maintaining general health for ignorance.

The fact is HIV is way more complex than it is presented. The fact is that when I had thought I knew something about it I knew the tip of the iceberg. I had no idea for instance, how many men completely deny (even to themselves!) having sex with other men and how, if you would discuss sexual health and previous partners with them, they would of course completely fail to mention that and talk about female partners only. And there are many more examples of what I didn't know, and I was relatively educated about HIV.

I think we should start a special sex ed for women "everything you already thought you knew about sex but didn't know s*** about". Even "experienced" women don't know much. We have so much to share, and it isn't man-hatred, it's self-preservation. I mean, I grew up not even knowing about HPV! And that's just one example. Now you see "girls gone wild" gyrating all over the place and pretending to be their celebrity role models, and they don't know anything. People think a condom will protect from anything, and that it can be removed as a sign of trust or love. And people don't realize that some men lie, a lot. of course not all, but those that do, do it so ruthlessly and systematically, not just about HIV, about a lot of things, that it causes so much damage. I remember lying next to a guy after having sex with him, it was back home and I was between BFs, and he was a good friend of a girlfriend, we had dated a few times and ended up in bed (that's another thing, most women that I know go to bed at the "appropriate time", that is the 3rd, or maximum 5th date, esp young women). We used a condom naturally, and after it was over he just asked, all casual like, "have you heard of genital warts?" and then proceeded to explain, of course, he conviniently forgot to mention that a condom does not prevent HPV transmittion. One thing, I didn't, second, he didn't bother telling me he had them till after the act, third, he was afraid of not getting any if he told, which is probabaly what would have happened (but not if I loved him, then I would just wait till he had it sorted, even if it took months; by not disclosing he killed off any chance of that). Luckily I was not infected, thank Godess b/c with HIV that can be quite a mess.

So, after this long Sat morning rumble, I am off for a jog, beautiful weather for a change. Today we are going to Ikea to buy 2 single beds and put the double in the living room. We live together but not always sleep together, usually just on weekend, because we need the full rest. So we have another bed in the living room and the double in the bed room, but now I want to have two singles in the bedroom. I say why fight it, it was my idea actually, who says that you can't have seperate beds, whenever we travel I ask specifically for that. We have to do what's comfortable. And tomorrow see my poz friends.

Thank you for the long post, I always love reading what all of us girls have to say here! Yeah, Jay has gone from about 50% and on the upswing to about 5% or practically non-existent. We used to IM every night. The last IMing was 10 days ago. The last time I saw him for a date was the last weekend in June so it has been awhile. He had sent me pics of the kids before which was nice. After his nephew's hs graduation he sent me a pic called "Jay and Sisters" and I thought it would be a recent pic from the graduation. Turns out it was a picture from when he was 6 months old, in black and white, with his 4 older sisters. And now he sends me the pic of his kids in the park from last week. I know I am looking too much into this. I wonder if he is just a nice guy or if I am someone special? I actually put him on the spot in mid-June, telling him that I hoped he saw more in me than just the potential to get me in bed, lol. He said if he didn't see more than just a pretty face he wouldn't have stayed in touch with me. Of course, my immediate, pessimistic, first thought was "Oh he's a player and giving me a line." But after time I saw he was sincere. Now all of that is blown out the damn window since I never hear from him anymore, except for the other day in the email. Its actually easier when he isn't on my mind. If I am distracted and doing something, I do OK. When I got that email, I was so happy and excited that I started crying out of fear. The see-saw of emotions is exciting, but it sucks sometimes.

Well, I think the old friend from my past life is bringing some single guys along tonight, and HE might not even bring his GF. There will be planty of opportunity for me to strike up a conversation without looking like a lonely wallflower. My favorite band is in town, and we are going to see them. I am worried because my fibromyalgia and bad neck are acting up from being on my feet today. I get tipsy and lose my balance due to a very tight neck (previous injury). The docs say that my neck muscles are so tight that the occipital lobe (deals with perception) at the base of my skull is being affected! It makes perfect sense and I have been dealing with this for about 5 years now. So, I am worried because this place is standing room only and I feel stupid, looking healthy and vibrant, and in desperate need of a chair to sit on. That is why I have thought about disability. I mean with the HIV and diabetes its bad enough, but being unbalanced after about ten minutes standing or even from driving fast, its been pretty tough. I am exhausted now and its 3pm. I am going to take a nap and then get ready to go out later. Mr. Hot Short Norweigian wants to go on a museum tour in Frederick tomorrow and I'm worried about being on my feet! I will go though, I know downtown like no one else, and he is traveling from a ways away. I am going to do my best to "get out there" and mingle until I tip over or pass out, lol.

I'll keep you posted.

Em, thanks for the PM, very sweet words you sent to me, and I appreciate everything all of you have shared. It really helps because I am at a crossroads and I don't know what to do with my life as far as working. My health is really tough, esp the neck issues. I am getting things worked on and try to stay active, but its so exhausting!

I know I haven't posted anything in awhile but there really has been nothing to report....til today!!!! I still haven't heard anything back from T, the American Indian or Balmer, the white boy from Baltimore. Not sure what's going on there. Cruised around on Pozmatch, ugh, I swear I am leaving that site alone. So far I have talked to a divorced guy, ok, no prob there, just hasn't seen him anymore. Then an African was trying to talk to me but am not attracted to Africans. Then this one guy, another white dude, ims me. It was cool for a minute but then he acted like he didn't want to let me go to bed, so I just logged off on him. Talks to him on yahoo today and the first thing that comes out his mouth is about anal sex? I'm like, WTF, seriously. I answered his questions but he still kept harping on it...He's most definitely cut off...I will forever be invisible to him... But then I got a very nice surprise, Boo imed me. Yes, girls, Boo. The first thing he says is why did I think he didn't want to talk to me anymore..Hmmm, well no response in 5 days would make the average person think that right? Come to find out, he has been in the hospital, his meds were doing a number on him, so they kept him. I am talking to him now as I write this and I must say the responses are coming back to back..I am so happy that I am smiling like a chestshire cat....Don't worry though, I still have my feelings in check....

It's hard to judge in online relationships esp with all the wierdos out there, but gotta keep the faith!

I didn't go to A'dam, the frigging Dutch trains are not running properly, and would have taken about twise as long as a normally long trip.

I'm happy to hear.

ML pls check in with us I hope you had a great time last night. There's so much I want to say but know I will get into a typing frenzy. will just say this: you're a trooper, and you should never be embarassed of a physical condition. I'm glad you are hooking up with friends, seeing live music (been ages for me).

Big ol' hugs!

« Last Edit: July 22, 2007, 02:33:42 PM by Dragonette »

Logged

"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

Moon had a date last night? Dang, I miss everything..I saw her log off yahoo earlier, maybe she is resting up. I can't wait to hear about it too....You in Amsterdam, Dragonette, dang mail me some of that good green... I know you can't but wow, just thinking about what they got over there gives me chills....Better yet send me a ticket...lmao...

I am alive and very well. I have had the most wonderful 30 hrs I have had in a long time. Too much to type now as I need a nice restful sleep, but I will certainly post tomorrow morning. Got a new prospect Saturday night, he knows me from when I was 11 or 12 and I don't remember him, lol. Mr. Norway is YUMMY, spent ALL day with him, very nice guy! More soon!

Well, here I am, so I might as well post, but my neck is absolutely killing me! I think we are all ailing from posting too much, lol! I am bummed today because I am considering going on disability bec of neck and back probs and feeling like I'm on a boat ride, even while sitting still. It sucks....but in the meantime, my weekend was a nice social one, quite a change for me.....

Met Pat from my old neighborhood, which I left in 1984 at age 14. Pat knows Jay (who? lol) and that's how I got in touch with Pat again. I went to a club and there's Pat. I met his GF and a few other people. Then three guys arrived, the "tall brothers" and the quiet friend, lol. Turns out the tall brothers lived in the same neighborhood as me and Pat, but I didn't hang out with them, hell I didn't even remember them, I think they moved there right as I was moving out. Anyway, tall brother Mike is two years younger than me, married with kids, ok, so hands off there. Tall brother Jeff is two years older, divorced, flirty and oh-so-yum-my! I didn't know if he had a GF or not but we all struck up conversation. Hell, I extended my hand to say hello, and asked "Do I know you?" Older one Jeff said he remembered me, Pat was off somewhere getting beer and looking at other women, so I'm glad I had these guys to hang with. I was almost the life of the party, talking to about five people, trying to include everyone and just being social. It was good for me. I told everyone that I didn't drink bec of diabetes and I shared my love of music with them, hopped and bopped, some dancing around. The brothers each took pics of me with themselves on their cell phones to send to a friend in FL. The FL friend used to live in our hood too and I was always kissing on him as a little girl, lol! He is married now, but wants to come up here and see everyone. I believe Pat gave him my email and number, so it will be nice to reconnect sometime. Anyway, the tall brothers and I are dancing a little bit near the bar and Jeff, the cutie single one, goes and gets me something to drink, sweet that he has nice manners. He said he'd never thought in a million years that he'd be dancing with Cindy 30 years down the road! My neck was hurting so bad I thought I was going to tip over, we had mainly been standing around for a couple of hours at this point with a little bit of dancing. Then I find out that Jeff likes to dance and we get his married brother to follow us onto the dance floor. It is packed! I have never been the happier "meat in the sandwich in my entire life." LOL These two were on either side of me and we were just dancing and bouncing off of each other. I was laughing and singing and even saw my old chiropractors (husband and wife) on the dance floor, they told me to take it easy, lol! Jeff was dancing really close and I kept wondering if he had a GF or not. After awhile I didn't give a shit and we danced and danced. It was so hot I thought I was going to pass out, I started putting ice cubes...well you get the idea, lol! I think that blew his mind. I said I had to go to the restroom and cool off, he asked if I was OK, cause I had told him about the diabetes and not doing well with heat (but shit, I'll take any heat he wants to give ANYTIME )! I thought that was sweet, evidently these two brothers were raised right, have a father who was military. We find Pat a little later as he is ogling other young women when his GF wasn't around, lol. He was so wasted I didn't get to talk to him, but the brothers were sweet and stayed with me. At 2am everyone decided to go get a bite to eat, so I hoped in and got a ride with the brothers. About ten of us were at the diner and I was so exhausted and dehydrated, I just kept drinking water. Jeff was directly across from me, and in the bright lights he kept looking at me. Damn damn damn! The evening ended with the guys taking me back to my car and I gave each of them a polite peck from the backseat, saying it was nice to "meet them" or see them again after so many years, lol! I figured it was now or never. I asked how I could keep in touch with them, didn't have my cell on me. Jeff gets his cell and saves my number saying we'll have to get together with Pat and his GF sometime, like a couples' date! If the married brother wasn't there, I am almost sure I would've had a kiss goodnight! What a yummy thought, but this girl can't live off of kisses alone......I almost can't stand the waiting for a phone call, lol! I was trying to look Jeff up online cause he told me where he lived, but he's not listed, hell I don't even know if I am spelling his last name right because there are so many variations, but I tried searching them all. I think Jeff thinks its pretty cool that we all went to the same grade schools and lived in the same hood, it has a cozy sentimentality to it, you know? I may have to call Pat and ask for Jeff's number by mid-week. Only thing is, my status, because it would get out in a circle of such close friends and maybe from Pat it would get to Jay, but that's putting the cart way before the horse. It was so nice to be socializing and getting some friendly male attention, and I LOVES me a TALL man! I also mentioned to Pat's GF that I knew Jay. She looked surprised, Pat hadn't mentioned to her that I knew Jay, who she works with. She said "He's a really nice guy" and I replied, "Yes, I know, he's absolutely killing me" and I bit my finger in a hubba-hubba gesture. She looked puzzled and then she got it. I am hoping she mentions something to him. She is very young, as Pat is robbing the cradle, so she was jumping around the bar all night, drinking beer, so she and I didn't get to talk much, but still.....you never know what will get back to Jay.

I will write about the other end of the spectrum, Mr. Hot Short (5'8") Norwegian guy later tonight. I actually feel better, "writing in my diary" here. I was so bummed all day thinking about disability, and still feeling very alone, despite my fun-filled weekend. Cheech and I are going to go walk through the park, and tonight I'll post the rest.

Waiting for the Harry Potter novel, comparing this to that? Well, I'm flattered, I'm glad we all have such an interest in each other! It makes us so much stronger!

And I must add, I am SO DAMN HAPPY FOR QUEEN GREEN!!!!! Boo is in da house! I know you're a happy camper, GF, I can feel your vibe all the way over here!

Yep, Boo is definitely in the house!!!! He imed me yesterday after going 5 days w/o hearing a word. The reason for this is because he was in the hospital. Which made me feel bad after the hysterics I had put myself through. Of course I had to share the good news with Moonlight. The reason he was in the hospital was due to his meds. I can't remember what he's on but I know it is a string of them. It caused him to get majorly bloated, fever, pain in joints, and a hard time breathing. When he checked his IMs, he saw the slew of messages I had sent and proceeded to scold me for thinking the way I did. I enjoyed every bit of it... ..Even though he was not feeling a 100 percent, we still talked for hours. I tried to get him to go lay down but he wouldn't hear of it because that meant not talking to me... We did discuss plans of getting together in September with me traveling to go see him. So, I did some research for making travel plans..I guess the high price in fuel has even affected the prices for traveling...Cheapest choice is the hound, which I will have to purchase tix 2 weeks in advance but the trip itself is going to be 15 hours.. Moon suggested I get an ipod but I don't think I can afford that so I may end up taking my laptop so I can listen to music on that and watch movies. Since I will have 2 delays, I can plug in somewhere to charge my battery. But will go to Wal Mart website to see just how much an ipod costs. I haven't heard from Boo today which has me a bit worried due to the fact that he just got home from hospital, so I am wondering if he over did it by talking to me for as long as he did... I imed him with my concerns and am praying he is ok.....

Now Em has tagged me with the handle Queen Green or Green Queen. I like the latter, so I will have to include that along with my alias of Queen Tokelove. Which Lady Ann (moderator) has given me. Yes, I know I have green on the brain but I am one of those people who function quite well under the influence and at times tend to get really brainy. Not to say when I am sober, for lack of better word, that I am an idiot but the green really helps me more than you know. At the moment, I am quite sober and not bouncing off the walls but has next to no appetite.... I do take breaks from toking at times. The times are rare but they do happen...

Remember the 2 pot of Mums I started right? Well, the 2nd pot finally got 2 sprouts going and I am so proud. There wasn't much sunlight today so I have them under some light for now. I also got some Miracle Gro from a friend today so I am going to try that on them next time they are due to get watered. Grow my babies, grow!!!

Em&Drag....I hope you ladies hands get better soon, we need and appreciate your input. But in the meantime here is a supply of gummies....Knock yourselves out...

My late husband Dave would have been 39 today. He died at age 28, in August '96. Mixed emotions, but I still always wonder how it could have been without this virus in our lives. He was pretty damn cool, though! Just young and scared, I can't blame him for that.... That's his guitar I'm holding in my pic.......Rest in peace, sweetie. Shit, he's probably jammin' with Jimi Hendrix or someone like that right about now, lol!

I am glad you had a great time Moon & still waiting for part 2.I can see - I mean you don't have to explain to ME of all people - how you can be out having as great time and still be lonely. The HIV is still a secret. Ultimately not to be shared with a group of guys, as nice as they might be, but with a special, trustworthy one. But you are getting there...

QG it sounds like Boo more than made up for disappearing... I'm really thrilled for you. Can't he come over? 15 hours is a long time to spend sitting on a bus. Me after 5 hours my ankles are alrwady bloated like an elephant's. Are there no bargin flights in the States at all?

Good luck with it!!! I have fingers crossed from here!PSEM, Moon, computer use is one of the worst things for neck, arms, etc...

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"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

GQ, I agree with Drag, can Boo come your way? OR, could each of you meet at halfway point? Southwest has some super cheap flights, but I'm not sure of your destination city---not asking either. Go to cheapflights.com just to assess the available flights. Then, go to the airline and oft times, you'll find the flight is slightly cheaper directly from them

ML, now I understand the guitar in the avatar! Glad you have good memories of Dave. I'm sure it's still a tender day every year.

Drag, when I think to use it, ibuprofen is helping me to regain use of right hand, etc. and... backing off from repetitive motion, using tape, various heat creams. It's a plain case of overuse that started in April and mushroomed into something much worse. I hope we both reclaim our former abilities---pronto.

ALL, climbing down from the balcony for a moment I'm happy to report I was actually asked out yesterday evening. Yup...asked out. What a pleasant surprise. It won't happen for several weeks due to his travel schedule. Best part is he's someone I'd hoped would ask!! So, when the date happens, I'll dutifully report in.

Where I put my face? For some reason I tried to load my pic but this freaking site won't allow it. I don't know why cause Moonlight says all my pics are small. I'm still seeing my toon avatar....As far as Boo, I think it would be better for me to go to him considering how his health has been. I am a bit worried cause I haven't heard from him again. I am trying not to think the worse but what if he is ill again? And no one is there with him...I know, I need to chill. I think I did go to cheapflights.com and they were comparing prices from other places like Expedia, Priceline, etc and they all seem to be w/i 4-6 hundred range but I will look again..Boo did talk about coming back with me but I don't know how serious he is or if he was joking. My place really isn't up for company, it still looks like I just moved in and I have been here for almost 2 yrs now.

To my surprise, T, the American Indian had asked permission to join my yahoo bud list. I was wondering what happened to him because I hadn't heard from him. I thought it was because I said I was hearing impaired, sometimes that drives guys away but I guess that was not the case. I accepted of course, now I have to wait for his permission. I'll keep you updated on how it goes..

Moon, surely Dave is playing with the best of them. Who knows, 2pac is prolly doing a rap while Dave is playing a mean guitar riff... And Em, I can't wait for your date and hear all the juicy details...I feel bad for you ladies and your hands. I have a gf who is a mechanic and she has been complaining about how doing little things has been making her hands hurt like hell. It would seem like there would be something to help with that other than IB....

Oh my aching neck and back......and my chair doesn't have a backrest on it, go figure. I guess I should post part 2 before I forget how much fun it was, lol! I met Mr. Hot Short Norwegian guy (HSN for short, lol) Sunday afternoon. Ours plans were to go to a Civil War museum in Frederick and look around. We were in there talking some and pointing out things, and I thought oh boy this is going to be a "friends" thing cause he's not diggin me. We spent about 2 hrs in the museum, lots of quiet conversation, the lights were low, so I looked good, lol. I was dressed like a lifeguard cause I was so tired from slammin in the pit the night before and not getting to bed until 4am! I had on a t-shirt, baggy shorts and flip-flops and I didn't care. My lipo has made my waist go to shit so I wanted to hide it some, lol, and not wear anything clingy. I figured it was an experiment, see if the guy liked me without dressing to the nines! We left the museum and walked a few blocks through downtown Frederick to a restaurant. Sat right in the front window looking out at the street. Mr. HSN and I never lacked for conversation, so many things to talk about and it was all so laid back, but I couldn't tell if he was diggin me that much yet, lol. He ordered a beer sampler at this brew pub and we had burgers. He said I should try the beer, too, and I took a few little sips. I hate beer, have only had one to myself in my entire life, lol. So, during dinner I mention to HSN that the city park was a few blocks over and that they have bands play every Sunday, would he like to go check it out at 7pm? I really thought he would say he had to get home, but he said it sounded great. We walked over towards the park and he had chugged his last beer, so I took his hand like a mommy at a busy intersection, lol! He didn't seem to mind, and we strolled through the park as the band got started in the bandshell. We must have walked a half mile, it was about 730pm, and he said let's head back towards the band and sit somewhere. There were hundreds of people in this park, dogs everywhere, everyone just hanging out having a relaxed evening. Those of you on the east coast know how nice the weather was in MD on Sunday. The heat went away, no humidity, no breeze, just still and perfect that evening. We found a tree to lay under and kept on talking and talking. He went to kiss me and I am not one for PDAs but I figured what the hell, there are enough people in this park, I'm sure they are finding other things to look at besides us two necking under the tree, laying in the grass, lol. He was a very sweet man, but I wonder about the effects of alcohol, lol. I don't drink, so what do they say? Do your true feelings come out when you're a little tipsy and relaxed, or is that when everyone looks good? LOL The sun was going down and the band finished at 9pm, it was twilight and people were going home. We stayed there under the tree, and he was telling me stories and making me laugh so hard, I thought I was gonna pee myself! He kept trying to get me to snort while I laughed, so I was holding my nose and trying not to. Everything was fun and lighthearted and then the man really surprised me. He told me to lay on my back and he sat behind me and held my head in his hands. He started playing with my hair, omg. Ask Queen, I told her, his hands are as big as my head, huge hands! I have a very sore neck and back, and HSN's brother-in-law is a chiropractor, so he knows a few moves, lol. He massasged my neck and head and even my face for about a half hour, very sensual. It was dark by now, after 9pm, and he didn't say anything about wanting to leave. I think we were both glad to have company. We just kept talking and bouncing ideas and stories off of each other. He wanted to go get another beer at 10pm downtown, but I told him I was tired and could we skip it? He seemed OK with that and we walked through an empty park, with an historic bell tower all lit up in the night, kissing on the walks in the flowers as we made our way back to the street. Very romantic, just my kind of scene. We got to the deserted streets and walked hand in hand to the parking garage, and then I drove us about 10 minutes, back to where his car was. We ended up going into McDs and getting sundaes. He asked about my husband and I gave him a lot of details, including the last few days of his life, but all without saying it was from AIDS. I almost DID disclose, the moment ALMOST felt right because it was such a serious conversation, and he was intrigured by my story of Dave and our past. We must have sat there for an hour or so. At about 1130pm we said goodnight, and at that point he kind of hurried things along, big time. It hit me as strange, but I figured what the hell, maybe he just got tired, and he DID have an hour drive home. So off he went, and I IMed him Monday saying I had a nice time spending all day with him. He replied that he enjoyed it too (kinda generic reply), but then typed that he hoped to see me again and "winked." He was going to go meet his brother and his bro's wife to go camping last night, so he was rushing off to do that. HSN did ask my opinion over dinner, about a girl he had dated, a "trust fund baby" as he called her. She sounded very shallow, couldn't hold a job, has millions to her name. I explained that people who have a lot handed to them like that, usu don't have to do or learn much on their own. Therefore, you end up with an idiot, whining, spoiled shit, which is what this girl sounds like. She is 28 and he is 39. I told him she just wants to get control over him cause she's used to getting what she wants and having things her way. He really appreciated my opinion (prob cause I was RIGHT, lol). She keeps leaving him and coming back, I told him thats her way of maintaining control, and he should stop being so nice to the whining brat. LOL "Yay me!" So, all in all, it was a nice date, but I went home feeling lonely. I hate that. Yesterday was tough, but I'll be OK. I have my ups and downs. I think I need to get laid. LOL Shit, I need a monogamous man to call my own before I do that, lol!

Em, I am so glad to hear about your upcoming date! Did you meet him in the Personals or in the produce dept? What's he like? GQ (lol "GQ"!) I was so worried about a guy who was sick with heart problems once that I started checking the obits and even called the hospital. If your mind can't rest just call Boo and put him on speaker for a minute. Have you heard from him yet? The ups and downs must be killing you!

You're all of you doing so great and being so brave... yes there is no way but to be out there and enjoy. And take the time to get to know "them". I had a few guys in my sights before my BF and while I was first dating him, I remeber I used to talk to a very kind guy in your area Moon and he would be like, "c''mon you are surrounded by guys", but it wasn't like that at all, because none of them knew what I was going through, and even my BF, I told him, but there is disclosing and there is disclosing. first, he was just a friend for ages, second, you can disclose empahsizing the normalcy of your life (which of course is immensly normal compared to what people imagine of HIV) or the hardships, which, at least in my case, is something that took a while to reveal.

Anyhoo I know what you chicks are doing (you too Em) is just the hardest. But also the bravest. No matter the outcome, you really, really rock.

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"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

Haven't been around lately. Queenie talking to you the night was great. I hope I can pull off the great Northeast dating arrangement for Poz peeps.

I have to agree with dragonette, you guys are all so brave.

I have my first date tomorrow. It's with a poz guy from positive singles. He lives relatively close to me and works in the same area. We've exchanged emails but haven't even talked on the phone. I'm certainly taking the plunge. It's real low key, right after work a couple of drinks. Nothing fancy. It's nerve racking. I haven't been on a date in 15 years! I was with my ex husband for 11 years, and the ltr for almost 2. I went on a blind date when I was about 24 and it was the most horrible experience. I've had some real winners. When I was 25 I when on a date with a astronomer from Princeton. He was so freaky that I kept having tunnel vision at dinner. Looking back, nothing could be as bad as those two....I hope. Wish me luck.

When I was 25 I when on a date with a astronomer from Princeton. He was so freaky that I kept having tunnel vision at dinner.

Camille! I'm LMAO at this date description. I can just see his talking head at the end of a telescope looking like a cratered moon and, and, and...well,back to present day...good luck on your poz-on-poz date. That's bravery on your part, too. You've not heard his voice---hmmm, just to scare you like an older sister would, I'll ask -- Well, gee whiz, Camille, what if he sounds Bart Simpson? Can you keep your composure? Or, will you jump on the table and say Aye Carumba!!!! Awaiting your post-post.

ML, Holy cow. Massaged your head? My hairdresser does that, but she's so not a man...great details!, so glad you've had a ton of fun recently. RE: your question. We met in the equivalent of the produce section...we met in a bakery and had a couple of conversations on different days. And, there's not much to tell because there's been no opportunity to have a full-length conversation. Suffice to say, it should be interesting to have a real date--it's been years.

Drag--I think going with the normalcy is the best approach -- crumps, for most folks looking in, just the having it (HIV) alone is the hardship. I look to all of you and say I hope I handle things as well should the waters get choppier.

Well, Queen, looks like you be jetting off one day soon. I'm assuming you're pricing by fare and also by schedule to see what gets you there the cheapest. Like you, I tried to load my pic a number of times, it won't load. So, I picked that tribal mask which looked like Wilson (the painted volleyball in that Tom Hanks, marooned FedEx/UPS guy--name escapes me) and then decided to go with Ms. Jolie. Is that NOT your face in the avatar block?

That's Queens pretty lil face, she just can't get it to show in the Personals here!

Camille!!!! No phone call? OMG more power to you! A guy emailed me today and I didn't even know who the hell he was. We emailed weeks ago thru Match and I haven't been on there anymore, so I am like WHO the heck is this? After I figured out who he was I emailed back and said I was surprised that he asked me out. I don't just go out to meet anyone. I am a little detective, I like to get a sense of their character thru IMing and then move to a phone call. A phone call can blow it (i.e. Gumby last week and previous leg-humpers)! I was just Iming with a young guy in the Navy and he proceeded to say if I was unemployed I could be his sex toy and then have a job, lol. I typed "Back off young stuff." This guy has been tracking me all year on all websites and I finally gave in cause I thought he just wanted to talk to someone, I felt sorry for him. He comes back and types an apology and I typed "too late." I love that Ignore button that yahoo has. I have ditched about three guys in the past week on IMs because they move way too fast to the T&A subject. A little willpower would be nice on their part, gheez. So, you never know what you're gonna get! Be careful since you don't know a damn thing about this guy. Did he have a pic posted? Not to scare you, but you are one brave girl! Damn!

Well goodness everyone is getting busy with new dates! That's good! My friend Pat said he would certainly give my ph# to the "tall brother Jeff" from my old neighborhood. I told Pat that he had my number and to use it ALREADY dammit. Got that ball rolling, lol! Drove past Jay's work today and saw his car out front. made me sad, I miss him a lot.

I have done some research on him just because I'm concerned. Had my brother run a check on him, my brother's a trooper. I don't care about the small stuff I just wanted to make sure he wasn't a sex offender or anything in that realm of creep. He also works for the government which have serious background checks. Don't get me wrong, he could still be a total nut job or perv ....I'll just have to grab my purse and boogle out of there.

My date, wow, I was really nervous. I was with co workers talking about how stressful a blind can be. I had pics from the site but still, a snapshot in time doesn't tell much. I got there on time and it was a cheesy sports bar. I ordered a pint and sat by the window...for what seemed like an hour. Finally, a sporty car pulls in out wallks my impression, the one I've seen only in the pics. He doesn't sit across from me but right next to me. He's good looking, great blue eyes, but starts talking. I'm thinking "oh boy he's talking too much in a nervous way", but I felt like that too. Long story short we had a couple of beers and it was fun. He was a smart and nice guy....wow. So I'm not sure what he thinks of me but I definitely would like another date. Stay tuned.....

I finally see my pic posted!!!! That is me, your Queen in all her buzzed glory.. There's nothing to report on the dating side which is why I wasn't posting anything. But I will not lie, I have been caught up in my game too. Today I just hung with my one gf, helped her do laundry and then we watched Hairspray. I need to do my own damn laundry..

I am glad to see that you ladies are starting to branch out, be bold and go out on dates. See what you started Moonlight? Good work my trusty sidekick.. .. Camille, I am thrilled that your date went well. Will there be another? Not sure if I saw that in your post, I am a bit buzzed at the moment. Who else said they got a date coming up? Wasn't it Em? For the moment, it seems like I'm getting comfy sitting up front, I still leave the nosebleed seats to Em. I may not be saying much but I will be watching.....

Yaaaaaaaaay Camille! Sounds like your date went well! I can't meet a poz guy to save my life, but I will keep trying. Guess what? Mr. HSN (hot short Norwegian massage god) called today while I was in massage therapy, of all places. His ears must have been burning cause I was telling my female massage therapist what luck I had with him working on my neck last Sunday! I called him back tonight and got voice mail, sounds like he was on the other line, but its good he called me initially.

Just got off the phone with a neggie who lives in a good zip code (lol), about 15 minutes from me. We are planning on meeting tomorrow night for appetizers or something. He wants to check out a band, so we'll see. This is the one who emailed from match and I didn't know who the heck he was at first. He works for in IT and is a really nice guy on the phone, good sense of humor. As long as he isn't a goober in person, we're OK. LOL He was raised in the same county as me, is a "native" to this area, so that has a nice coziness to it. We talked and talked, and as usual, I end up making the guy feel good about himself, hitting the nail on the head as far as his separation goes. I should go back to school and get a Masters in Social Work. Then I could get paid for counseling, lol! I'll post if anything comes up! Now we just need to see how Em's Bakery Guy is on a date, but hey, you've already met in person. Wow, to be able to strike up conversation in public. My problem is I never get out enough, lol!

Hmm, maybe I spoke too soon. I checked my email and got 3 messages from Poz Personal and one from another. Then I get to talk to 2 of them on messenger, looks like business might be picking up... I'll mention the ones you guys are familiar with first then go on to the others. I finally heard from Balmer. We chatted but I didn't really feel a vibe from the conversation. I might give him another chance because he had just gotten back from being out of town so maybe it was fatigue. Then while doing my laundry I get a message from T, the American Indian, which was a pleasant surprise. In between my laundry we talked. Goddess, you should see his pic, he is fine. He can hold a decent conversation and he's funny. But I'm also getting the vibe that he is looking more for sex than a relationship and I'm looking for the opposite, a meaningful relationship including sex. I've done the just fuck buddy thing as well as be the outside woman. I want more, I want exclusiveness. But if anything else he would make a good friend even if just over the internet....Ok, on to the newbies....

I got a response from another Indian. If this keeps up, I can start my own tribe...The Smoke-a-Hos.... This one I think may be a humper. He sends me an email and at the end, he says he loves me...Hello, first email and already saying the L word. All kinds of alarms and red alerts went off. Another thing was his grammar. His whole email was a complete run on sentence with no periods at all. And he must have had his spell check off. You can imagine what that was doing to my eyes. I felt like pulling out a red marker and making corrections then put a big fat red F on the paper. Once glancing at his profile, it mentions he is in the military, I hope he never has to do any paperwork.

Then the last one....We'll call him Semmi. He emailed me first. It was a nice email so I go to check out his profile and what do I see? Nothing or as it is mentioned in the personals, the option of "I will tell you later". On just about every question in the profiles. I politely email him back and explain to him that with what his profile is saying which is nothing makes me feel like he has something to hide. Yes, I did cause I don't have time to play games. At least not the emotional kind. I get a reply back that he has nothing to hide and if I have any questions just ask...I am like WTF? The purpose of a profile is so it can shed a little light on a person, hello? And if after reading it if I have any questions then ask. SO, this will be the last you will hear about Semmi. His ass is kicked to the curb and I mean with steel toed boots...

There ya go, something happened after all..Moon, you are liking his hands waaaay too much...lmao....

The Smoke-A-Hos ---for the love of all things Native American, I am laughing, really laughing my lady's loin cloth off --- what a great way to start to emerge from the teepee today!! Bizniss pickin' up, kickin' someone's ass to the curb, dang you are a busy woman. Taking this good humor to the chore list. Read all of you later!!!

The Smoke-A-Hos ---for the love of all things Native American, I am laughing, really laughing my lady's loin cloth off --- what a great way to start to emerge from the teepee today!! Bizniss pickin' up, kickin' someone's ass to the curb, dang you are a busy woman. Taking this good humor to the chore list. Read all of you later!!!

I try to make people smile in my own way, that's why people tell me I'm crazy..Indians smoked peyote or whatever..To me they were the creators of the wake and bake..I have to have something to entertain me but Semmi was just a bit much. I haven't checked my messages yet in the personals, there may be more to come.

Queen you are crazy GF! I would definitely ignore the "I will tell you later" guy. I read profiles like that, laugh, and promptly click delete. I am going to meet Mr. Good Zip Code tonight, he may be a little corny, but I'll try to keep him settled down in public, so as not to draw attention. LOL Mr. Hands/aka Mr. Hot Short Norwegian didn't call back yest. Ball is in his court, he knows where to find a real woman, lol!

I had a phone interview for a job in town here. It went very very well, lasted 50 minutes. I am hopeful about getting a face-to-face interview next week!

I got an interesting email today from an editor at Poz.com. They want me to be the "Catch of the MONTH" in an upcoming issue. I feel like I'm "coming out" but its too late, already replied and sent a pic with some info about myself. I am hoping that all of the DC guys under rocks will come out, too! Goodness, anyone can read this and see me, but I am telling myself that it will mainly be other people like me. Hell, I don't talk to anyone locally anyway, so I think I can still maintain some privacy. Shit, I dunno. I felt like I had to do this, that it would be good for me. Time to shake the stigma, right? I hope I can be an inspiration to others who are newly diagnosed and read about me.

Hi CindThey already put your pic in a catch of the day, I saw it earlier today.Just do what you're comfortable with. If you are not sure, I would take a raincheck. you can always do it sometime later.Nothing special here, saw some nice friends in A'dam, reading a great book, "Talk talk" by T.C Boyle, really gripping. And thinking...

I am always keeping up with you chikas online, though I don't always know what to say.

Lots of love to everyone,

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"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

That's great, catch of the month. At least you should feel flattered. The magazine is in my ID doctor's office so I'm sure to check it out. I know nothing about match.com so when you create a profile do you include details about being poz? Have you been very successful with it? Keep us posted about the date tonight.

Just do what you're comfortable with. If you are not sure, I would take a raincheck. you can always do it sometime later.Nothing special here, saw some nice friends in A'dam, reading a great book, "Talk talk" by T.C Boyle, really gripping. And thinking...

I am always keeping up with you chikas online, though I don't always know what to say.

Just to clarify, I have been Catch of the DAY online here for a couple of weeks. An editor wants me to be Catch of the MONTH in the actual published magazine. So, a big difference! I am kind of looking forward to the "shock factor" that I feel some people will get when they see me there. I sure have gotten the "shock factor" thing when I disclose to neggies. They can't believe I am poz. I guess they expect us to be wretched looking, hair falling out, teeth missing, open wounds....you know what I mean, "full of cooties." I am proud to show my face as "the girl next door" who has this virus. They also post how LONG you've been living with the virus. The current issue has an Asian guy in the spotlight who has been poz since 2004 I believe. Some of us have been dealing with this for awhile, myself since late '93, so I think that will speak volumes to people perusing through the magazine. I am hoping it will help to shake the stigma that much of the damn world places on us! We are all beautiful, our minds are strong, hell we are just like anyone else, except for this damn stigma that society has placed upon us. OK, getting fired up and pissed off, on to new topic, lol............

Mr. Good Zip Code was a pleasant surprise tonight. At the last minute he decided that we should try a nice dinner at an historic inn which is HAUNTED. A "medium" ghost tour lady led the entire thing and showed us pictures which were taken with faces in the trees and pics. She has been to some of the most haunted places in Maryland, in broad daylight, and the spirits are there. I didn't quite "get this" until after our walk through the grounds, down to a cemetery in the woods! We were going down to the woods through an open field and there is this overturned beat-up car with brush and tall grass growing all around it. The guide explained that "John" died in the backseat of this car and his spirit didn't pass over to the other side for many years, until recently. Here I am with my camera, the sun is still out at 8pm, and everyone is taking pics, hoping to feel something. None of us felt shit. Then I look down at the pic I just took and there is a figure sitting in the grass in front of the car. My arm hairs all stood on end, even though it was 75 degrees out. I showed the pic to Mr. Good Zip Code and a few ladies nearby. They saw it too. I freaked a little and went down to the woods with the group, where soldiers were buried from the Civil War. Some people got some strange shit showing up in their photos. Faces in the trees, maybe its all the power of suggestion, but it was very interesting. We blew up my pic of "John" later on a movie screen and added some light to it. Nothing there. But another pic showed a very angry looking somebody ("John"?) coming out of the wrecked car. The medium said this was the first time she had seen that. I have always been intrigued by the occult, but have taken it with a grain of salt. She is going to email the edited zoomed in version of my pic to me. It was wild, and I was raised Catholic, goodness! So, a very entertaining evening. My date and I walked upstairs in the Inn a little later with a few other people, and then we noticed they had gone to the attic. We were alone in a hall which used to be a mental ward. Freaked me out, I gripped my dates' hand so hard, he said he felt my pulse beating, there were only a few lights on and it spooked the shit outta me. Pretty neat experience......

So, nice date, no sucking face, but as I told GQ, I think he was being a gentleman and perhaps he was a little shy. That's OK, if he doesn't call, I will certainly call HIM.

Em~~~When do you have your date with the Bakery Man?Camille~~~Did your date follow-up to say "hello" yet?

Ladies, FULL MOON is Monday, hell it looks just about full NOW. Its time to get out and groove some! Bow-wowwwwwwwwwwwwww, lol!

Sorry em, I didn't see this until today. Yes , I am feeling much better. i strained myself last sunday by vacuming but am okay now. I am awaiting next weel when hope fully I can go back to work. I will read the rest and edit this as is appropriate. Cristy Em, Sorry I am way behind with my posting. YOU HAVE A DATE. Yah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am very happy for you, especially since it's someone you have an interest in. And Camille , also, glad your date went well. Moonlight, Glad your date went well. I forgot to tell you , when you asked where we are from, that I am near Greensboro, North Carolina . So the full moon is Monday, that must be why I am restless. Anyway, no dates but I won't give up. Queen Green, Be careful flying to meet Boo. I think he should try to meet you halfway or something. I know, you are a smart lady but one can never be too careful.. Good luck to us all. Cristy

I forgot to answer Camille's question about Match.com and disclosing in a profile. Years ago, I did actually put my status in my profile, and got some emails from people encouraging me. Some asked questions about HIV as well, and I was happy to "educate." I was a little activist in 2002 or so when I was dating. I went on a lot of dates and disclosed to everyone if I felt a connection. Most ran, but I had the opportunity to educate them, I kinda felt like it was my calling to make people around me safer. I was OK with that. Now if I hear someone doesn't know much about HIV, I kinda feel bewildered, because hey, its 2007, people should be aware! No offense, but I guess the lack of knowledge still comes from the stigma and not much public "talk" at all about HIV. Ten years ago I told my GYN that there would be a ton of new cases in the early 20-somethings crowd around 2006 or 2007, a result, I believed, of teenagers not practicing safe sex in the late 90s. I think I'm close to being right, not sure though. So, back to Match.com, I took that disclosure line out of my profile info back in 2002, not present day, and haven't posted it again since. I was on Match for 6 months this year, just cancelled my membership, it can get pretty expensive, esp when you're unemployed. I have met a lot of nice guys but there are a ton to weed through and reply "no" to. Its work on those dating sites, and it can get discouraging as we all know too well. I feel you have to be proactive on any site in order to meet quality people.

As I was typing this I got an email from my date last night, Mr. Good Zip Code. I think he's pretty happy with how things went, but we were totally distracted by being "spooked" on the ghost tour and didn't have much time to chat with each other. Well, maybe a little at dinner. He has six siblings, and is the fifth, goodness! Imagine Christmas, lol! Sounds like fun! He wrote in his email today, "From my point of view, I am comfortable in saying I know we could become great friends and that's an excellent start. Hope again, you feel the same." Shit, at least he can spell, lol! I thought I was getting the "friends" line until I read the last part there, so I think its good!

Mr. Hot Short Norwegian is feeling the effects of the impending full moon and just IMed me, said I had some kind of power over him from our date last weekend (LOL). I told him to calm his ass down, it was prob the moon. He said I could certainly look forward to another neck massage, yay! Queen, he said "You know what they say about guys with big hands." LMAO! I played dumb and said I thought it was feet or earlobes? This is a guy where I can see things moving a little quickly and me disclosing soon. I wonder how he'll take that. He lives an hour away, so even though I hate to say it, dates won't be every damn week and that may "slow" things down some. I just hate that impending doom feeling when it comes to disclosure. I wonder if I can get a dozen copies of Poz mag when I'm in it and just break the ice with that? LOL They might shit themselves!

Christy~~~ Glad to see you posting some, and you're not too too far down the road from me! I am outside of DC. I agree with you, Boo should come see GQ, or meet halfway. Queen have you heard anything from him? We need to get a PI Posse on his ass already!

More soon! Damn, it might be a Netflix night tonight

~~Cindy

P.S. - Poz Personals member "noheem" in Nigeria wants to be my dream man, lol. Good-looking black man, 31 yo, think I should go for it? LOL I wrote back to him saying he was in the wrong zip code and then blocked his ass! How STUPID do these people think we are? They don't know the power of the sisters here, lol!

Geez, it must be the freaking damn full moon. One of the new ones is really acting like a HUMPER. I believe I mentioned him in an earlier post but I forget what name I gave him. The one who mentioned love in his first email to me. I say hello to him tonight and now he is claiming love at first site....WTF? I tell him I hope he finds what he is looking for and for him to say the things he is makes me feel creepy. He still goes on for a few til I just tell him that I am not interested. He must've had an older version of yahoo cause I couldn't find the ignore button..I think he finally got the hint when I said BYE!!!!!

I am seriously considering snatching my pic off of my profile. True, it has given me more hits than not having one but damn, why do I have to get the crazies? I really haven't been doing much these days. I have mainly been visiting friends just to get out of the house. When I am home, I am usually online. For those who have been IMing me still continue even if you see me as offline. With this latest one, I think I will be under the cloak of invisibility, it's much safer...

As far as Wes goes with his post, maybe he meant to PM? But it makes it seem like Moon was trying to hook him up with someone? I dunno...Moon, I think MR. Hot Short has some plans with those hands girlie...Look out, he might palm your ass...

I still haven't heard from Boo and am quite worried. I hope he isn't dead or anything like that..It be my luck to feel a connection to someone and they drop dead.... If he does show back up, I will have to tell them that the trip will have to be cancelled unless he plans to come see me because I plan on moving in September.I know all of your heads are spinning like, SAY WHAT?

Yes, Ladies....I have decided to move...Really I need to, this place I am in now isn't big enough for me and my son. At the same time a friend of mine needs to move out of her house...Long story but it would be beneficial to us both if we found a house together. Neither one of us can pull it off living alone. Don't you just love disability, not even enough to survive on..I think I may have found a house next door to another friend. It has 4 bedrooms so enough room for all of us, now we just have to worry about furnishing it. The landlord also owns my friend's house next door, so she is going to talk to him for me. He knows me because I use to live with my friend, so he has seen me before. I am waiting to hear back from him before I put in my 30 days where I am now. But better to be moved before the snow hits.