Welcome to the Church of Romantic Love

I was struck by the intense devotion when I recently checked out Canada’s religious channel.

The passion. The faith. The fervent belief in some all-powerful being who will solve our each and every problem — offer eternal bliss.

No. I wasn’t watching Christian televangelists like David Mainse or Benny Hinn or some of the rabbis or imams who appear on Vision TV, Canada’s multifaith network.

I was watching MuchMusic.

That’s where our most dominant “religion” can be seen today.

On music-video networks, contemporary cultural leaders sing lustily, with religious conviction, about their undying belief in the power of romantic love.

Almost everyone on MuchMusic is searching for their mystical “baby.” Women with bulging cleavage sing of finding heaven through the hunky other. Men with crunching biceps croon aggressively of salvation in a simmering partner.

Christina Aguilera. Avril Lavigne. Fergie. Bryan Adams. The White Stripes. Ricky Martin. All singing so sensually of longing; for the happiness they’re certain will descend when they finally connect with their “soul mate.”

Is the search for romance replacing the search for God as the dominant religion of the 21st century?

Some of the world’s leading psychologists are making convincing arguments that’s the case, especially in the U.S. (and to a lesser extent Canada), where instant answers are often sought to life’s emotional complexities.

Romantic love, with its wondrous promise of finding perfection in another person, is the high-octane fuel of North America’s entertainment industry — as heard not only in pop music, but seen in movies such as The Bridges of Madison County (below right), Titanic and Hitch.

“Romantic love is the single greatest energy system in the western psyche. In our culture it has supplanted religion as the arena in which men and women seek meaning, transcendence, wholeness and ecstasy,” Robert Johnson first wrote in 1983 in WE: Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love.

The symbiotic link between religion and romantic love has been probed more recently by James Hollis, a noted U.S. psychotherapist who will be returning to Vancouver on Oct. 19.

“The search for love has replaced the search for God,” Hollis writes in his recent book, Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Your Life, which is built upon the work of the late, great Swiss psychiatrist, Carl Jung.

Until the past century, Hollis says most people believed this world was a vale of tears, whose sorrows could only be compensated by an afterlife, where moment-to-moment existence would be beyond compare.

Today, with less clarity about an afterlife and diverse beliefs about God, many have developed an alternative; a compulsive preoccupation with sex and love.

Pulling no punches, Hollis argues romantic love as revealed through music and movies amounts to a “virulent ideology” that may even be more powerful than its “chief rival: The fantasy that material goods will bring us happiness.”

But it’s not as if any of us are immune to romantic love.The ancient Greeks called romance “Eros” and made it a god, the god of desire.

In myth, Eros was both young and old — because Eros is both the foundation of all things, and that which makes every moment new.

Eros is the life force. It is creativity. For those who choose, Eros could be seen as the divine energy of the universe.

Eros, or erotic energy, can be experienced in infinite ways: through music, prayer, even violence — but especially romance.

Eros is the desire for connection.

But eros, romance, can be dangerous when we are not conscious of its peculiar powers.

It leads to lovers falling into relationships. But if people are not aware their romantic energy for another will inevitably decline, it also destroys relationships.

“As a therapist,” Hollis writes, “I have worked with so many broken relationships, so many ‘soul mates’ who were discovered — surprise — to be merely human after all.”

The fantasy of romantic love, as typified by MuchMusic, puts a great deal of stress on marriages.

As Hollis explains in an earlier book, The Eden Project: The Search for the Magical Other, romantic love exemplifies the power of psychological projection: Humans’ unconscious ability to fantasize onto others something that is a part of themselves.

In the thrall of romantic desire, we fall in love with what Hollis calls “the magical Other” because we project that he or she is the same as us — that he or she will complete us, make us whole.

But it is an illusion, which fades with time. We end up gravely disappointed in the Other.

It is the high expectations created by romantic love that kills so many marriages, Hollis says — especially when combined with the emotional baggage each brings to a relationship, baggage which many are unwilling to explore.

But all is not lost in the rocky world of relationships.

Romantic love, which may be inevitable in the early part of a relationship, should not be confused with love. “Love is light years from ‘being in love,’ ” Hollis says.

There should be a different word for it, he says, because authentic love is the absence of illusions about oneself and other people

Hollis believes real love is being caring and curious about another person, but in a “disinterested” way, not expecting the other to fulfil our every desire.

Real love, unlike romance, is not a magical religion.

Real love is a path to mutual transformation, a relational conversation in which we recognize our ultimate aloneness and learn from our struggles. In this way, healthy relationships can enlarge our souls.

Even some popular singers seem to have realized the potential that comes from a truly loving relationship — like Canada’s Leonard Cohen, who was once a romantic himself.

Cohen is the man behind one of the most popular songs of the 20th century, Hallelujah, covered by more than 40 other performers.

In Hallelujah, Cohen recognizes that romantic love is enticing but ultimately empty, a state of blind yearning that needs to be transcended.

As Cohen sings, “Love is not some kind of victory march / No, it’s a cold and broken Hallelujah.” In real love, people struggle, but ultimately learn from their suffering.

I read a lovely story related to love. Once upon a time there was a God and Goddess in ancient Egypt named Isis and Osiris, met with each other and faced lots of problems but they fought with the problems and shown their love. This is a true love story right?

I read a lovely story related to love. Once upon a time there was a God and Goddess in ancient Egypt named Isis and Osiris, met with each other and faced lots of problems but they fought with the problems and shown their love. This is a true love story right?

There is an old saying that when poverty steps in love goes out the window. I dont know about the word love. To see someone stealing and yoe tell him/her how wrong it is, that would be love I guess. There is so many ways to love. Like I love my car. I love taking vacations, but it doesnt explain the real meaning of love. How many men have told women “I love you” got them pregnant and then either the women or men doesnt support the relationship. Some people fall in love at the drop of a hat, whereas others are more choosy. But as they say “Love makes the world go around.

When I was young, (21) I would say to my husband, ” I love you, ” and he would respond, ” I love me too. ” Although he joked there was a great deal of honesty in that response. After 41 years of marriage, Eros, ( I love me and I want you) has been supplanted by Agape, ( I love you even when you’re not lovable). Through many joys as well as trials the evolution occurred. Eros is wonderful to experience and be enjoyed but in the end there is no competition. ” In God there is no hunger that needs to be filled, only plenteousness that desires to give.” C.S. Lewis, The Joyful Christian