To be fair, I hung out with most of these studios before my current “relationship” with the studio I now teach at.

But I do still grab a class or two at a new place just for the thrill.

Usually it ends up being more stressful than just practicing at home, because I like my “conditions” a certain way. Yeah, I’m picky.

Also, it’s really hard blending in with a class full of people trying pole for the very first time. I know that sounds arrogant, but anybody who’s spent almost a year on the pole would look very different from somebody in their the first couple of weeks (thank god).

Oh yeah, and then inevitably the instructor starts interrogating me about my dance history in front of everybody like I’m a spy from another studio (wait, am I?! OMG) and then chasing me down after class to ask what club I dance at. (Yes, this really happened. And in case anybody else was wondering, NOWHERE. I’m a civilian, if ya catch my drift). And when that happens, I have the urge to confess everything–I’m not really a beginner! I’m a spy! I work… SOMEWHERE ELSE.

DUM DUM DUM.

Okay, it’s not really that dramatic.

But more than anything, I usually want to say something along the lines of… how come you guys don’t space your poles further apart?

Because I’m a persnickety pain in the ass, you guys.

Anyway, after yet another guilty experience cheating on EDC last night and having it feel sooo not be worth it (Skinny poles! 3 girls to a pole! No Dry hands?!!!), I’ve compiled a list of annoying stuff about “Other” studios (aka Out of My Comfort Zone, ahhhhh) to keep me on the straight and narrow:

1. Training wheel poles

Let me explain: standard pole width is 50mm. CHEATING ASS POLES are 45mm. These skinny bitches will trick you into thinking you’ve got a great grip, until you hop on a regulation pole and promptly slide off it and onto your ass cheeks. More on these in another post.

2. Teachers who don’t teach

Half the reason I take other classes is to get fresh perspective on explaining the moves, or admiring another teacher’s style. Now, I know the fairy spin. I don’t really need it explained. But the rest of the class that’s totally baffled by the fact that you “taught” it by simply demonstrating… yeah, they’re gonna need a little more than that. Come on, TEACH something. Because I’m in the back of the class doing the work for you. And I’mma start passing out my business cards while I do it, girl!

3. Too much booty work… or too little

Okay so pole is like ball room dancing. Stay with me, this is going somewhere sane, I promise. Now, you can do the Rumba… or you can DO THE FUCKING RUMBA. You get me? There’s a way of technically doing the moves that completely misses the art of the dance, and that’s by leaving out the passion (ie. Dancing With the Stars rehearsals).

On the other hand, passion alone is a junior high school gymnasium at the homecoming. Humping does not art make.

SO. My point: if I’m taking a pole dancing class, I expect to learn to dance on the pole and not roll around on the floor with my legs open, true. But that said, instructors who just teach you a series of tricks without any transitions or accents… they’re doing a gorgeous dance a serious disservice.

4. TWA: Teachers with an attitude

I get it, it’s your class, you’re the head bitch in charge. But there’s never a reason to make fun of anybody in your class. True story: I ran into a new class late one day and didn’t get the memo about heels (NOWHERE was this on the website, or the registration email people). So the teacher–who’s instruction style I later realized is somewhere between “sarcastic” and “just plain mean”–targeted me as “new.” As in, after going off about how clueless Some People in her class were, she’d end all her verbal instructions with “Don’t worry New Girl, I’ll help you with this one.”

It was really satisfying when it was time to actually dance. Because by the end of class, this chick was my NBF and asking me to demonstrate the spins for everybody–“that’s how you should look, people!”–and then following me out asking if I’m a professional. How’s that heel taste in your mouth, miss thing? You wouldn’t have had to put it there if you were NICE.

Of course, I was friendly right back, because that’s how you treat people. Bitch.

5. Websites that tell you to wear pants

This is a small thing, but the idiocy of it really turns me off. I get girls coming to my class all the time in pants and leggings (even though our website recommends shorts), needlessly falling off the poles and having a terrible time. It doesn’t have to be that hard. Just wear shorts, girl!

But here comes the crazy: some studios will tell you pants are fine!!

…

*ahem*

PANTS ARE NOT FINE. PANTS WILL CAUSE YOU TO BUST YOUR ASS.

Okay, that’s out of my system.

…

But seriously, people.

I was considering taking classes with this one place until I saw on their website: “No shorts allowed–yoga pants only.” …Dafuq?

Needless to say, I didn’t go. I don’t really trust the expertise of a place that doesn’t know the #1 principle of pole dancing–“Skin Sticks.”

Oh, and best thing ever: an OPEN HOUSE (Re: free half hour classes) is coming up at our studio on August 2nd. Take a fun, totally free intro to pole class with me at 6:30pm, and stay for awesome pole stretch, choreo, lapdance classes that follow.