With New Zealand 176-5, you may disagree with that. That’s not really our point. Our point is that we haven’t got anything to say about James Pattinson and Mitchell Starc.

We were hoping Ben Cutting would get the nod. His training revolves around distance running, not weight-lifting – an approach we approve of – and he avoids no-balls by humming trance music to himself in his head as he runs in.

We’re a bit disappointed if we’re honest, but not so much that we’re going to get angry. We’re something of a connoisseur of disappointment and this is at the lower end of the spectrum.

8 Appeals

It seems that Australia are just desperate to shoe-horn somebody called Mitchell into their team, whatever the cost – even if it means picking someone who looks likely to take wickets. It’s good to see though that Starc has obligingly produced an economy rate befitting of the name.

James Pattinson is Darren Pattinson’s brother. They are the first brothers for over one million years to play for different test teams. Darren is 32 and was born in Grimsby. James is 21 years old and was born in Melbourne. Because of this defect he only has an Australian passport, and is therefore ineligible to play for England (because as everyone knows, you have to have been born in England and be English to play for England). When they were growing up this was a source of huge rivalry between the two, with older brother Darren constantly taunting young James about not being able to play for England, as would have been the wish of every young Melbourne boy in the 1990s.

Mitchell Starc is also 21 and not eligible to play for England, but the similarity ends there (unless you consider debuting and getting your first test wicket in the same match a similarity, in which case it ends somewhere else). Basic spelling seems to have been a problem for the young Mitchell throughout his life. His inclusion in this match is a direct consequence of the captain’s inability to remember different names for his left-arm bowlers, coupled to the fact that Brisbane doesn’t have any of the extra-wide net facilities that his namesake needed for practicing. At over twelve feet tall, Mitchell adds gangliness to a team woefully lacking in this department. Sadly, he should be able to keep Johnson out of the team if he can continue to take key wickets, or just continue to bowl straight, or frankly just continue existing.