The Psychological Reason Why SO Many Couples Fight About The Dishwasher

The dishwasher. I didn’t have one growing up but when I moved in with my boyfriend I got to know, love and hate it. Know how to use it; love how it hid dirty dishes and hate how the glasses felt afterward (like nails on a chalkboard).

As a newbie to the world of automatic dishwashing, I needed to learn how to load & operate it. Never fear, my BF was an expert. Problem was that I’m a terrible student and never had the patience to follow his example. I’d overstuff the dishwasher and then complain if the dishes didn’t come out right. That led to lots of eye-rolling and exasperation but never any crazy fights.

Why do we get so pissed offif he puts the cutlery up and she down, or if he pre-soaks but she thinks “nah,” or he thinks pans need to get washed by hand and she thinks the dishwasher should wash the pans because that’s the dishwasher’s job, duh!

Dr. Gottman says, “It is a sign that you have dreams for your life that aren’t being addressed or respected by each other…some are very practical…but others are profound. Often these deeper dreams remain hidden while the more mundane dreams piggyback on top of them and are easier to see.”

Dr. Gottman says often the deepest dreams are rooted in our memories from childhood (isn’t everything though!?) and can cause problems if “They are hidden or not respected by your spouse. When this occurs you may either have open battles over the issue, or it may go underground and be expressed symbolically.”

Fighting about the dishwasher doesn’t have to be about dis/order. It can be a symbol for many things…having a sense of power, giving the finger to your past, getting over past hurts, being able to relax, getting your priorities straight or following your own rules.

How do you even know if you are dealing with gridlock due to your dreams not being respected? Dr. Gottman says, “A good indicator that you’re wrestling with a hidden dream is that you see your spouse as being the sole source of the marital problem.”