The term "Super Fan" is putting it mildly. There is not a SINGLE episode of The Bachelor/Bachelorette that I have NOT seen.

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

It's Miracle Season, Y'all!

Seriously I'm already bored and depressed going into this week because Deanie Babies is gonezo. And if you DON'T think I'm SCOURING Venice, California for this guy every day of my life now, you're wrong.

MOVING ON:

Meeting the Fam

PETER:

Ohhhh look at Rach switching it up and introducing her
family first. Oh wait, her sister is pregnant. This exposition scene with the guys was so
stupid and such a waste of time. The Living Room Peanut Gallery hates
ChiroBryro at this point. Ohmigah why are she and Peter at this baby store right now I
am SO BORED, WHERE IS DEAN?!?!

Ok Here’s the deal: we ALL know she’s gonna choose Bryan.
She isn’t gonna choose Eric, Peter isn’t ready to propose, and now they’re
having to fill in all this boring exposition because there is NO show. I don’t
hate Peter’s stargazer lilies that he brought for Mom and Co, but if only he’d picked them out himself… It was
a bold move for her to tell him that she’s falling in love with him too – I’M
LOOKING AT YOU, BEN HIGGINS. (But still… marry me, Ben)

Have bag. Will travel.

Where is Rachel’s dad? I do think it’s telling that Rachel
wanted her sister there badly enough to bring the guys to Texas. Also this is very obviously 100%
not their house. Sure, they added some family photos up on the wall, but this is not their home.

I love how Rachel is
trying to convince her family that it’s ok for Peter to propose to her after
one month because his parents got engaged after one month. As an attorney, she should know that this is a weak argument, Your Honor.

Loving that the brother in law asked what items are “of
note” to Peter. Not concern, just “of note.” But then her mom asked Rachel what
the red flags were. And Rachel says “I don’t know if he is ready to propose.”
Because THAT is going to be the show, you guys. Peter will be the one who won’t
be sure in the end, and she’ll pick Bryan. Ugh, I need to get out of unscripted TV. It's ruining this show for me.

Peter doesn’t want to ask for Mama Lindsay’s permission and
Mama Lindsay LIKES IT. Honestly so do I. Peter is so down to earth. And MERCY, this light of day is making those green eyes shine.

And we both looked at each other and said “THAT NEVER
HAPPENS!” (Carolyn has trouble with names. And small, minute details. Like the
name of a dog we’ve seen twice. This was a big moment for her.)

Carolyn’s roommate Jyoti hasn’t seen a lick of this entire
season, and after Peter’s date she goes “I just don’t think he…. Likes her.”

She’s not wrong.

ERIC:

Rachel’s uncle remembers that Eric was one of the guys that
came on at the After the Final Rose, and I am HERE for his superfandom.

I wish that Constance had taken the moment that she spoke
with Eric to sing Celine Dion’s “Have You Ever Been in Love”… I really wish
she’d carpe-d that diem, but alas, she just gleaned that he's never actually been in love.

Eric asked for Mama Lindsay’s permission… She gave him a
very diplomatic answer. So diplomatic that I still don’t even know what the
answer actually was.

CHIROBRYRO:

Ok that’s all I got on Eric. Oh good grief. Now it’s time
for ChiroBryro and I 🍩 care. SHE’S INTRODUCING HIM TO HER FRIENDS! I’m
telling you he’s going all the way. This is like when Nikki met Juan Pablo’s
family.

RACHEL, to her friends: I thought he was a d-bag!

CAROLYN: I definitely still do.

Honestly I kind of zoned out while Bryan was talking to her
family because I was reading about someone’s speech to the Boy Scouts today,
but also I was bored AF. Ohhhh loooook, he’s leaving the dining room, Rachel is
annoyed… He’s probably going to get a human body art performance sketch of his
love for her, calm DOWN, Rach. (I don’t even know what that means, but he probably left
to go fetch some grand gesture) Wait but now we’ve gone to a commercial break.
No art performance sketch? Constance doesn’t think Bryan is genuine and I
completely agree with her. Constance is giving me Ben Patton taking on Ben
Higgins and I am INTO IT. (Honestly, either of those Bens: MARRY ME) Is it just me, or has Rachel been talking Bryan up to us this whole season when we can all see right through him? Kind of in the way that your coworker talks up that one guy who is just THE guy and then you meet him and you think, "Really? Him?" And THEN you kind of doubt your entire relationship with your coworker cause you realize her standards are in a place that is totally different than you thought and THEN you start to kind of doubt YOURSELF because maybe you're a poor judge of where people's standards are?

I seriously just made up that entire scenario just now, truly: THAT'S how bored I am. Gracious. (But I know you guys know what I mean. Seriously does ANYONE like Bryan? Let me see a show of hands...)

Rachel sits down with her mom and comes at her wearing her
attorney hat, as she tries to convince her that it’s ok to say “I love you”
after like, six minutes.

FANTASY SUITE DATES: Spain

ERIC:

All I can think about while they’re walking around Spain
is…. “If I were The Bachelorette, I’d need my toe shoes.”” So much walking
today. This scenery is pretty beautiful. I wouldn’t mind going here. The last
place I’ve been really impressed by was Antigua, on stupid Dez's season. I will never tire of the site of the mountains next to the ocean.

This dinner between Eric and Rachel is painful and boring. I
love how “I love you” has somehow become the litmus test for the leads on this
show. Like, no matter what kind of person they’re dealing with, ALL THEY NEED
is to hear “I love you.” He says it and she’s ready for the fantasy suite.
Mercy. Also: why is Eric wearing an undershirt on this date? Like, a straight
up white undershirt. Like Big Daddy wears.

Oh wow. We are seeing Rachel and Eric walk around the
morning after. She does NOT have eyelashes on and she looks GREAT. Seriously, she needs to cut back on the lashes.

PETER:

Peter and Rachel visit a vineyard that was… built on love. I don't know about that, but I
really enjoy this Spanish man singing right now.

PETER FOR THE WIN. That cork. I don’t even care if this
story is made up. I love Peter. Not as much as I love Dean, but I love Peter. He isn't ready to propose, so they'll probably orchestrate a Brad Womack Redemption storyline and make him the next Bachelor and I am HERE FOR IT.

Ohhhh Rachey is getting angry that Peter isn’t ready to
propose. She’s getting real aggressive. This is weird that it is now a thing
for them that they don’t agree on the definition of… engagement?

OHMIGAH WHY ARE WE BEING STRUNG ALONG TO NEXT WEEK?!?! Although next week is the Men Tell All and you guys KNOW how much I love that shiz.

So stoked for Lee and Kenny to face off. And for the Men Tell All audience to appreciate Deanie Babies.

Oh wait, next week might be... TV-less... Carolyn and I are moving into a place and don't have a TV (yet) soooo if anyone has a TV they'd like to sell to us... Or if anyone has a nice man they'd like for me to marry... Or cookies, honestly. You know, the usual things.