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THE SCALLY report into the CervicalCheck scandal has made 50 recommendations after publishing its 170-page report, chief among them is the suggestion that Irish women should be treated like human beings.

“Sounds fair enough. I checked up the definition of ‘human being’ just to be sure, turns out he’s right – women are people too,” confirmed one person who was appalled at how some of the women affected were treated by male consultants.

Senior Dept. of Health and HSE figures will now act on the recommendation to ‘treat women like human beings’ some 956 other health scandals after they were advised to do so.

“Y’know, maybe women aren’t just a nuisance I have to bat away. Maybe their health matters above all else,” remarked one consultant, who seemed to finally be getting it.

However, the idea of ‘treating them with same care, reverence and respect’ men receive would be ‘a step too far’ according to the HSE.

While smear tests remain vital and the best way for women to test for cervical cancer, the finalised report told of a ‘total systems failure’ in regards to responsibility over the scheme with truly shocking instances of how consultants callously relayed the news to some of the 221 women who received an incorrect smear test.

The report also recommended making the reporting of such instances mandatory, something Fine Gael, with the help of Fianna Fáil vetoed in a health bill put to the Dáil in 2017.

“Yeah, seriously, remember this fact when politicians come knocking at your door soon,” explained a spokesperson for voters group They’re Not Getting Away With This Shit Anymore.

“Lessons have been learned,” confirmed Minister for Health Simon Harris, reading from the same ‘Apology Statement’ all 25 previous health ministers in Ireland have read from.

A spokesperson from all those who should be held responsible have urged the public to refrain from going on marches or protests in support of the women affected as then ‘we would really be forced into doing something about all this’.

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