Archive for November, 2003

I’ve been slacking lately. Not just my livejournal, but pretty much everything. My final semester is coming to an end and I have a lot of things to get done. I have put everything off as long as possible and now I am going to pay for it. Oh no! Aaaah. Going crazy time. I’ve been so obsessed with managing my school work and my job work this semester that I have made myself kind of crazy. Actually, it has been fun. I have had fun thinking, well I can come home from work and sleep for four hours, get back up and then study more. I’ve also had fun thinking, YAY it’s the weekend, I can get all of my school work done. Unlike normal people who go out and have fun on the weekends, I stay home and study. Besides the occasional hanging out with my boyfriend, life has been pretty boring lately. I had not been home (FC) for sooo long because I can’t sacrifice a weekend of school work and job work to go home and relax. Thanksgiving was nice. We put up the Christmas tree and I played with my cats. My mom gave me a bunch of her Martha Stewart magazines and a handheld sewing machine. I am going to make everyone crafts for Christmas. It will be much fun. I have no idea what I will be making. I know that I am going to craft personalized beds for my cats because they sell shitty ones at Petco and they are the most uncomfortable things in the world. Since my cats have no beds, they usually lay around in boxes. No, actually they sleep in human beds, on couches, and on the floor. But if you turn a box upside down they’ll sleep in that all day. I think they like the box thing because they feel safe and cozy with all those sides surrounding them. So I am going to make them padded boxes for Christmas. I also think I am going to make some cute gift bags that I found in the Martha Stewart magazine, but of course I will need things to put inside of the bags. I can’t wait for school to be over. Job hunting and Christmas crafting here I come!

I have this problem when it comes to shopping. It is not that I go crazy and buy everything in the store; no I have more sense than that. It is not that I stand around lusting after things I cannot afford, it is that I cannot make a decision to save my life. Today I went shopping; by myself. By myself was a big mistake. Well, actually I guess it could have been worse. I got to my destination at approximately 2:45 and I left around 5:45. So three hours of shopping isn’t that bad. I also stopped at Wendy’s because I was hungry and wasting away. Three hours of shopping is considered “normal” depending on what you buy. Here is what three hours worth of shopping got me: soap, shampoo, resume paper, envelopes, a scarf, air freshener thingy. I also bought one other thing, however that is a secret, for it is a birthday present for Todd. I spent about 45 minutes in Petco talking to gerbils. I almost bought one. Really, I think I would have if I didn’t need to buy a cage, litter, and food. If I could just bring the gerbil home and set it free in my room without any problems he’d be here right now. I also spent a lot of time looking at cat accessories and deciding that my cats definitely need a lot of stuff from Petco. I really wanted to go to Hallmark and look at all the pretty Christmas stuff, but I kicked myself and told myself no. I spent about an hour in an unnamed store contemplating, getting angry, and wondering why the world cannot be customized to my personal needs. Then I went to Walmart and walked around until my feet were sore and I had looked at everything in the store.
Last time I was at Walmart, Todd was with me and he dragged me away from everything I tried to stop and look at. Even though I was sad, I am glad that he did it becuase I have a tendency to just stand and stare, daydream, and completely forget what I am shopping for.

Another Saturday, another day of work, another boring night at home by myself. I think I am going to take a shower soon, put on my biore nose strips and relax with my wonderful peeling face mask. I feel scrungy, which I do often. Sometimes I feel like I will never be clean. I either need to submerge my body into a pot of boiling water or soak myself in clorox water. Both options would probably severely damage me, but I feel it is the only way to be truly clean. Work makes me feel dirty no matter how many showers I take because I still feel like there is a layer of film on my body. Maybe I’m crazy, but that is how it is when you work with food constantly.
I have chosen to make some of my journal entries “friends only” just because I do not feel that everyone should be able to read the things that I write about. Really, it should have no effect on anyone because it is just a couple entries, and they are mostly older ones anyways. I just don’t want people to know that I’m talking shit on them … haha so I bet you are wondering if I’m talking about you. Well, I guess the only way you’ll find out is to get a LJ account and request to become my friend. Seriously, I’m not talking about you though. But on the topic, if anyone is interested in a LJ account, I have about 7 or 8 free invite codes and I’d glady give one to anyone interested. Just leave a comment and I’ll email it to ya.
In other news, I have no friends anyways. If you would like to be my friend, like just hang out or whatever … please let me know. I have suddenly acquired more free time lately since school is finally winding down, so bring it on people. Come hang out with me. Of course I do have a few stipulations that you must agree to in order to become my friend. 1. You must shower daily and brush your teeth regularly. 2. You must like cats because I like cats. 3. You must live somewhere near me in order to physically hang out with me. 4. You must have no hidden agenda (i.e. kidnapping, murder, selling me drugs), oh and being drug-free is a plus too.
Things I would like to do: Go to movies, go out to eat, go to fun places, look at Christmas lights, take walks (weather permitting), build snowmen (weather and location permitting), go to a quiet bar.
I’m up for any other suggestions too. Here is a list of things I DO NOT want to do.
Things I do not want to do: Go to dance clubs, go golfing, join a cult, eat seafood, buy drugs, use drugs, drink poison.

Anyways, if you are interested in doing anything cool, call me.
My phone number is (edited).
Thank you.

I like new stuff. If you read this entire entry you will discover all of the new stuff that I have acquired, however I am not going to make a neat bulleted list, describing all of my new stuff.
Tonight at work I volunteered to go home. I think Vento’s is going to go out of business. Nobody ever comes in. The owners are sad and freaking out. Now we have burger and fry specials. Soon we will be delivering food and giving out coupons. Who would have ever thought of such a crazy idea? So I got to come home at 9:00, yay! I got some much needed work done and had time to eat toaster-strudels.
Today I bought a fancy pair of gray sweatpants. They are mucho comfortable. I am never taking them off, ever. I am getting quite upset because my Green Day Insomniac CD is malfunctioning badly. I would blame it on my computer, like I usually do, but my CD is scratched up pretty badly, so I think it might actually be the CD’s fault.
I got a new computer monitor, yay! Thank you Todd. It is big and nice and I feel corporate-like using it. My old one is sitting on my floor. Todd should come and take it away before I trip over it and make it break.
I am graduating from school soon. I currently have no job prospects, however that does not mean that I am not going to have some. I am just way to busy with trying to graduate and afford toaster-strudels. It’s hard times I tell ya.
Todd and I went to a China Buffet in Crafton on Sunday. It was quite Chinese Buffet like. Since I’ve only been to a Chinese Buffet once before I have a lot to compare to. I think all of my friends had weekly Chinese Buffet parties when I was in high school however I guess I never took part in them. I never knew I liked Chinese food until 2 years ago. I only thought I liked egg-rolls and chicken-fried rice.
On Friday, Todd and I went to Kings Family Restuarant AGAIN and I had the turkey dinner AGAIN. I love Kings Turkey Dinner. Mmmm … licious. This time we went to Kings in Blawnox, and it was much trashier than the one in Penn Hills. But they diced up the tomatoes on my salad which caused me to have much excitement.

We got a new dishwasher at our house the other day. Or should I say, we got a dishwasher. We had one before but it kind of looked weird so I never tried to use it. I asked my roommates if it worked but nobody knew. Everyone was afraid of it. So now there is a new pretty black one, yay. I do not know why we got one because nobody here eats food. It is really weird. Dishes pile up sometimes, but it is mostly forks and cups. Nobody uses plates around here. I think everyone drinks stuff and eats dirt off of the floor. Mmmm, good dirt. Actually I rarely see anyone eat here. I have never seen Ron eat here, EVER. My roommate David only eats fast-food and take-out because he says he doesn’t know how to cook. His cupboard shelf consists of a box of popcorn and a few bottles of pop. My other roommate cooks stuff sometimes with his girlfriend, and they live on cheeseburgers and mac n’ cheese. I should not talk though, I live on toaster-strudels (this month anyways). Next month I might start cooking real food.
Next month I will be a free! Free as a kitten!
Bye bye college, hello cardboard box.

I’m sorry that I am so depressing sometimes but it comes and goes quickly most times. Even though I may think life is unfair at times, I have to remember how much I have. I have a great family, true friends, and a wonderful boyfriend.
On that topic, to my boyfriend, I’d just like to say thanks for always being there, never judging me, supporting whatever I choose, and most of all, for being overall the best thing in my life. To think that anyone could ever be so dumb and give up possibly the most caring, most thoughtful, and the most genuine person in the world, and to think that I, too, was nearly so dumb. You don’t have to bring me flowers or write me songs; your everyday actions prove the world to me. Please remind me to read this entry everyday so I never forget what is important, so I can stop being so selfish, so I can just appreciate that I have wonderful things, and so I can stop dwelling on the past or the possible future. I want to enjoy today instead of worrying about how I can enjoy tomorrow. I don’t know how to do that sometimes, but you have taught me a lot about life; so smart, so wise, so wonderful. I love you.

Why does time always have to be such an issue? I never have any of it and when I do, I have to allocate every hour I have into accomplishing goals that have no purpose other than to make me have good grades, but what does that get me? Sure, good grades give me a sense of accomplishment and happiness for about two minutes, but that pleasure is always interrupted by another thing hanging over my head that I have to run off and defeat. Sometimes I just want to give up, surrender to my comfy blankets and soft pillows, leave it all for a world of dreams about kittens and cowboys. Sometimes I just feel like crying, like it never ends, like I will never have time to enjoy life because I am always doing things that I do not want to do. Why do I do it then you ask? I do it to keep my sanity. If I blow something off then the anxiety kicks in, a fever of worries overcomes me, so I could never enjoy say, blowing off a night of studying for a fun-filled night of intoxication and dancing. It just cannot happen. There is no point to do something else that is supposed to be fun if I am contemplating the consequences of my actions the entire time. And there it is, my fatal flaw, the flaw that will keep me from ever being truly happy and carefree. Maybe I’m being punished for being a peasant whore in my previous life, not really sure. I sit around most of the time envying others, wishing I could just relate to them for about one second, wishing that my life was filled with more than it is. However, I know that no matter how hard I try to relax, be like the crowd, be more flexible and whateverish, its just not going to happen because it will ultimately cause me more misery than I already have. I guess I just have to stick to who I am and learn to find beauty in my ways. I know that my personality has many virtues, but those same virtues make me miserable, self-pitying, lonesome, and sad. So while my inner-self battles for freedom and happiness I am going to resign to studying for another test, surrender to another night of no sleep, another weekend of all work and no fun. And maybe, if I’m lucky, I will have a few minutes of guilt-free pleasure.