As many of you following my blog probably know I was away on vacation last week. Traveled down to the “Scary Land” known as Florida. Yup, the state where most of the weird news and happenings seem to come from that populate my Facebook news feed. The territory of Cracker Barrel, Denny’s, and Waffle House. It’s like redneck nirvana down there. A place where the drivers are horrible. Where blue hairs roam the land like zombies, and Billy Bobs with big guts, mullets, and bigger belt buckles dominate the landscape. I swear a passport should be required to go into and out of Florida. This strange populace is lorded over by the man, um rat, himself – Mickey Mouse. Of course, no trip to the Orlando area would be complete without a pilgrimage to the Magic Kindom and Disney World parks! Yes, I do admit that I still love the Disney parks. I’m just a big kid, and will always be one. The rides, the characters, the food, the movies, the shows, all still enthrall me. My family has a terrific timeshare about a mile from the front gate of the parks that we have had forever, and spending time with the parental units at Disney World is always fun.

Yet, as I get a bit older I am losing patience with the things that some of the idiots from around the country, and world, seem to do when here. I think it’s time for a Disney rant! Here is a short list of things that makes me want to punch someone in the throat!

1 – Parents that can’t, or refuse, to control their spawn. Ok, I get it, kids will be kids. It’s a long day at the parks, and can get hot and sweaty. Kids get cranky and tired. Those I can deal with. It’s the parents that won’t even try to calm their unruly kids down or take them outside when in full screaming meltdown mode that irks me. It’s your child – deal with it. Don’t make the rest of us suffer. I’m here to have fun too. Sorry your spawn from Hell is ruining your Disney experience. Don’t ruin mine. Have a magical day! Continue reading People Who Deserve a Throat Punch at the Magic Kingdom!→

The South. Just the word and imagery conjures up the willies in me. Every once in a while I travel down to these parts to visit family. They decided to do the old folks retirement thing and settle down in Florida a few years back. Yup – they hightailed it to the humid hot confines of the scary South to get away from the Northern winters. Seems like it’s a law or something that once you hit 65 or older you need to return to the mothership of Walmart and Waffle House. There are some freaks down here for sure. If Jerry Springer could be elected President of Crazy this would be his country. It’s a strange combination of retirees, transplants, an occasional native born here, and zombies from The Walking Dead. Oh, and don’t forget “The People of Walmart” as they seem to thrive in Florida. I am typing this post while on vacation down here with the parental units, and we are at the Tampa Hard Rock Casino for a few days before we do the Disney thing. Oh boy, are there some characters in this joint. I can hear “dueling banjos” playing in my brain constantly down here. Hey, we actually did pretty well playing dollar slots and poker. Also, we are fans of The Rat and the Death Star known as the Disney Parks. Say goodbye to my cash and credit cards! The saving grace is that we will be at Epcot for the International Wine and Food Expo which is an absolute blast. It’s the one day at a Disney park that turns into a drunkfest along with total gluttony! It’s like adult’s day to get bombed and it’s perfectly ok! I’m all excited for Brews Around The World. So. Much. Beer.

You all know what EPCOT stands for right? Every Person Carried Out Trashed! Good thing mom doesn’t drink so we have a built in designated driver. Poor mom. Mmmmm…..Beeeeer!

Happy Independence Day everyone! The 4th of July has so much meaning and relevance to so many of us. As a country we are free to make our own gluttonous decisions of what to eat and drink. What kind of job to do. Where we live. What we wear. I still can’t believe it only been 18 short years since Will Smith fought back the alien invasion and saved the human race from extinction! We have so much to be thankful for that the Fresh Prince was there to deliver us from utter annihilation. I’m still in awe that we were able to rebuild the White House so quickly. Normally, our idiot politicians on Capitol Hill can’t decide on anything other than voting on raises for themselves and what extended vacations they are taking. Good thing we have Freedom fighters like Captain Steven Hillar on hand! Continue reading I can’t hear you over the sound of my Freedom this July 4th!→

It’s been quite a while since I have ventured out of NYC to come down to the scary southern hemisphere of the USA where my parents have retired to. Sure, it seems like a bad stereotype when it comes to those hitting a certain age and heading to warm sunny Florida to bask in their golden years, but my parents are living the dream! They live in a very nice gated 55 and over golf course community – but don’t golf. Go figure. It’s in central Florida in between Orlando and Tampa in an area known as “horse country”. It is an interesting, but kind of sleepy part of the state. Think “witness protection program” where they hide you away to die of suburban boredom. Heck, even John Travolta lives here and has been known to shop at Walmart late at night. I can picture the in-store announcements – “Travolta aisle 5, clean up, aisle 5, Vinnie Barbarino, aisle 5”! Continue reading NYC Swamp Ass by way of hot humid Florida!→