What once ensured that I sat at a table next to the teacher is now posted, Monday through Friday.

I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

I'm Thinking None of This Will Surprise You

Ladies and gentlemen, cats and kittens, welcome to Thursday, the end of my work week and the beginning of my work weekend. On deck? No, not another foray into cleaning other people’s bathrooms but four hours of proctoring, which sounds like it might involve those same rubber gloves but is actually a ten-dollar word for Watching People Take a Test.

But what does the iPod say about it? As usual, the morning’s commute will tell us all we need to know about the weekend!

Montrose? Featuring the I-Can’t-Drive-55 voice of the irrepressible Sammy Hagar? I’ll need a haircut and, for some reason, a bandanna.

Moving on.

Today’s post will not be so much a post as it is an invitation and an awarding. Firstly, I’m sure you’ve already noticed this, but it’s October. In the U.S., this means we play at superstition for a couple weeks. With Halloween on the 31st, our minds turn toward the occult, fear, parties, and chocolate.

Mmm. Chocolate-coated fear parties.

For the next three Thursdays, I will be posting “scary” true stories – true as in “they really happened” – culminating with my scariest story on the 29th.

So here’s my invitation. You write your scary story, somebody will show me how to "link", and it'll be like a scary-story party without the drunk chicks and the clean-up in the morning.

Excitin’, ain’t it?

And now! An award was sent to me by Lady Truth at Happily AFTER Ever. This award, to be specific.

So in keeping with the spirit of bloggy love, I present to you the Top 10 Things You Don't Know About Me.

1. I had my tonsils taken out when I was 21. Fun fact: The contraption they use to keep your mouth open, according to my doctor, cuts almost everyone's tongue. Not just mine. Oddly enough, knowing it wasn’t personal did not make me feel better.2. I have never been out of the U.S. other than to Mexico and the Caribbean. I don’t even own a passport. As a matter of fact, I have not been outside of my own house for almost six months. Well, no. That last bit is not true, but it might as well be. *sigh*3. When I am bored with a conversation, I push back my cuticles. I actually just caught on to this the other day. I’ve told the bulk of my friends. I have not told the boring ones.4. I love bubble baths. Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) and Dolly Gee Squeakers (formerly of the Humane Society Squeakers) do not, although they will both sit on the edge of the tub and tilt their fuzzy little heads this way and that at me. You'd think they'd never seen me take a bath before.5. It’s expensive, but I enjoy the feeling of a run in one’s nylons. Please see #2 for possible reason for my simple tastes.6. I have a Fresca habit. There. It’s out in the open.7. I was a complete metalhead in my 20s. I may have jarred a couple brain cells loose; but as it turns out, I have had no real need for them.8. I read a lot. It’s one of the things I’m going to miss when I’m dead. Reading.9. I am a very easygoing person. Until I’m not. You will know when I’m angry by how civil I am. It’s a little trait we cultivate here in the northern states. Other places know it by "Passive Aggressive". We call it "Minnesota Nice".10. I can't think of a 10th thing. I'll have to owe you.

And now, to award the award to the most award-worthy people I know. Step forward and be bludgeoned!

mjenks, "scary" is subjective. Personally, I've had three truly frightening experiences in my life, two of which I cannot explain. It doesn't have to include ghosts or anything paranormal. Being scared is being scared. Perhaps something that freaked you out that you could never balance with your rational mind?

I would really be honored to accept the award, really, but I can't. You see, there aren't ten things people do not know about me that I can reveal and still have readers (or, perhaps, liberty). Besides, I tried reading the award very fast and know what it actually means. These subliminal messages never get past the Truly Paranoid.

Gee... Thanks, Pearl! And thanks even more for sharing those secret things about you! Now I'll definitely know to be offended when you start pushing back your cuticles while I'm talking to you. (Are you doing it now? I can't see!) BTW... I'm also working on a record for not leaving home. Now if only I could find someone to finance this bid for the Guinness Book of World Records. Damn!

Joanna, it's the perfect soft drink. :-) Especially if you have one of those freezer cups...

CatLady, the funny thing is that I would LOVE to leave home! Alas, I was raised by folks who didn't get out much either, not until much later in life, when the little bestids sold everything they owned, bought a catamaran and moved to St. Lucia! Now THAT was move!

"Minnesota nice" is way more catchy than my version of angry, which is "California catatonic" where I just stare at you until you get scared and leave. Not you, Pearl. I mean "you" as in "the world". Minus Pearl. *smile*

Judge Smails: There's a lot of...well, badness in the world today. I see it in court every day. I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. I didn't want to do it- I felt I owed it to them. The most important decision you can make right now is what you stand for- goodness...or badness.

Danny: I've made some mistakes in the past. I'm willing to make up for that. I want to be good!

Judge Smails: Very good! I know how hard it is for young people today and I want to help. Just ask my grandson, Spaulding. He and I are regular pals. Are you my pal..."Mr. Scholarship Winner"?