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We're sorry, but these pictures make our job sooooo fucking easy.And hard at the same time...

Hi there folks. Some of you have been asking where we ran off to. No we didn’t get preggers, although, how fun would that have been? The truth is, we were testing out a theory. You see, we read somewhere that guys S better D than girls do because their mouths are bigger. We took that to heart and tried to make it a law of science. Science Journal 2012, we’ll be seeing you!

But alas, we digress. We’re gathered here today because somehow unbeknownst to us, we ended up watching Dancing with the Stars tonight. Was it to see Rob Kardashian’s ass on national television in bright and shiny high definition? Maybe. Who knows?

But it wasn’t the only gay male #Kardashian that caught our eye. It was Derek Hough and his brilliantly glittered six pack. Actually, it might have been an eight pack. We’re not sure… we were too impressed with his #tan.

At first, we were so solidly convinced that he was a ‘mo, we were slightly embarrassed to even do a Google search.

But we did Google it, just to be sure, and imagine our surprise to discover that girls the world over still think that Baby Hough is as straight as an arrow! Are you fucking kidding me?

The only thing straight about this fire hazard is his thin upper lip. Other than that, he’s a walking disco ball. Literally, one of his costumes once made him look like a disco ball.

Upon further research, we found out that Derek Hough has followed in the footsteps of other So Not Straight honorees by dating female celebrities. Move over #Katie Holmes and #Vanessa Hudgens. Cheryl Cole and that one Pussy Cat Doll whose name we can’t spell want a seat at the hag table.

It’s baffling to me that so many folks are quick to point out that Derek can’t be gay because he was spotted at the Ivy with a woman. Guess what, friends? It’s called a fucking photo op. I was at the Ivy just the other day with my hair dresser and I’m still as gay as the Fourth of Ju-fucking-ly.

What makes us so sure that Derek is not only #flippable but full on #DTB? Let’s start with the whole dancing thing. If statistics are to be believed, 100% of male ballroom dancers have had a dick in their mouths at some point during their career. Don’t ask us for our sources; just trust us and move on. Right Benji Schwimmer?

Aside from that, there’s the boy’s nature now. Riddled across the pages of #Us Weekly are photos of Derek, shirtless, tanning, and prancing down the street in all of his gay ass glory. Is he ever without #sunglasses in any picture? Why sure… there’s the one. Need we continue?

We know we’re reaching here, but we’re almost positive that the Houghster and Seacrest got together one day and came up with this elaborate plot to fool the world. We’ll call one Pinky and one the Brain. Their convo went a little something like this.

“Pinky, you’ll never be able to take over the world if the world thinks you’re gay.”

“He married a woman. Hey! You can date my sister, Julianne. People will assume you’re straight and then whenever you spend the night, you can sneak over to my room and stick it in…”

Of course, we don’t have any solid proof this conversation ever occured because we aren’t Big fucking Brother, but we’re taking artistic license here.

Listen, I’ve built my career on trusting my instincts. My instincts tell me that anyone who does the Paso Doble for a living and isn’t dating Jennifer Lopez is a total homo. That’s about as scientific as we’re going to get.

So if you ever find yourself on the dance floor with Mr. Hough himself, we’d say any seasoned flipper has a chance at seducing him. But tread lightly, folks. You wouldn’t want the real love of his life, Ryan Seacrest, to ban you from the E! studios, now would you?

The more we write, the more people wonder what the hell we’re writing about. We know, sometimes we use a secret language. It’s called fag. If you speak it fluently, chances are you’re #so not straight.

So now that you know what #DTB and #Flippable mean, it’s time to explain our favorite phrase (and one of our favorite activities, to be honest).

Kiss the tip.

What does it mean? It’s not a full on BJ, if that’s where your mind went. While it encompasses the same elements of your classic nod, there is one key difference.

A guy who let’s you kiss the tip isn’t necessarily letting YOU kiss the tip. On most occasions, he simply wants his tip kissed. End of story.

But it is a direct indication of his flippability. Straight men don’t just let another guy kiss the tip unless they’ve thought about a guy in that way. And what does thinking about a guy in that way mean? Exactly. Now we’ve come full circle.

Pun intended.

Some str8 bois will tell you they’re really horny and actually imagining a girl kissing the tip. We wonder how many times #Nicole Kidman had to hear that one before she realized it was a crock of shit.

Kissing the tip is the gateway drug to full on DTB. Some guys stall out after a few male-on-male tip sessions. Some guys will offer to return the favor. But only a true and classic flipper can turn a simple KTT into a full on sex session. Bonus points if he kisses you after you kiss the tip. It’s then that you’ve found the holy fucking grail.

We here at Straight Men Don’t won’t hesitate to call out anyone… except members of the Royal family. And anyone with a relation to the Kennedys. But this one is such a no-brainer, that we no longer give a flying fuck. We’re braking our only rule.

We’re sorry Prince Harry, but your number is up. We’re on to you, and we finally have scientific proof that you’re so not straight.

No, we don’t think you’re gay simply because you’re the cuter Prince. Get over yourself, goodbye!

There are several reasons why Prince Harry, who just celebrated his twenty-seventh birthday last week, is on our list of celebrities who have successfully fooled the world into thinking they’re straight. Like the likes of #Zac Efron and #Tom Cruise, accusing Prince Harry of being straight will result in an uproar from naive girls.

Do we even need to comment? A picture is worth a thousand fucking words.

We admit, we’ve had our fair share of false alarms purely because our wank bank got too full and we were willing someone to be gay, but this is a totally different case.

First, there IS the fact that he’s European. Um. Hello! Science shows us that Europeans have a much higher likelihood of being gay than Americans. It’s just the way it. Possibly because of the lack of fluoride in the water or some such chemical shit. Either way, they didn’t write an entire musical number about it in Legally Blonde the Musical because it WASN’T a valid theory. Thank you.

Then there’s the boy’s nature. He’s always been slightly limp in the wrist to us. Very giggly, even during his brother’s super serious nuptials, where he was more than likely critiquing Pippa’s dress than actually checking out his super hot sister-in-law. Is that Vera Wang or Oscar de la Renta? Either way, straight men don’t do #designers.

Sidenote… any straight bro we know would have already hit that, no questions asked. Brothers dating sisters is such a Euro-chic thing to do.

Finally, all speculation aside, there’s super serious scientific proof that the second son of Lady Di and that ugly fellow is definitely #DTB (No we don’t have pictures of him wearing #Man Capris or coming out of a #tanning booth, but how royal would that be?!?!)

Check out my royal higness, Ladies... and Gentleman.

Our evidence comes from a little something called the fraternal birth order effect. Never heard of it?

Here’s the skinny: It states that the more older brothers a guy has from the same mom, the higher the chances the younger one is gay. Um… hello! Raise your have if you’re a total ‘mo with an older brother? Everyone in the room? Exactly.

We don’t usually read science or news, but we couldn’t help but take pause when we ran across this theory. It’s validated byABC news, Time magazine, and most importantly Wikipedia. They all say the exact same thing. You’re gay because your older brother isn’t.

And Prince Harry, that’s the only proof we need. Well that and the fact that you’re as cute as a button AND fulfill our military fantasy quota as well. Don’t worry: we won’t ask, and when we’re done, we won’t tell.

So if you ever find yourself in close quarters with the Prince, first of all, count your lucky fucking stars. Shake off your nerves and throw the proposal out there. I mean, come on. He’s probably just drunk enough off #Pimm’s Cup Cosmos to take your pass seriously. Play hard to get, Kate Middleton style, and count down until you too get that royal fucking wedding… who the hell knows? Maybe Sir Elton John will sing you down the aisle… dream come fucking true!

"Oh, that Will Smith guy is so hot... I wonder if he's a down to bend just like I am..."

There’s a definitive moment when every gay guy knows he’s gay. Ours happened at around 12 years old when, left alone while our parents went out for the night, we watched Risky Business on HBO. One shot of Tom Cruise screwing a hooker on a staircase and we were sold. What we would have given to be that hooker. Or that clean wooden floor. Mmm, how sexy are white tube socks? No one?

But lusting after a young, pre-scientology Tom Cruise makes us gay, not Tom… right?

WRONG!

There are very few straight celebrities gayer than Tom Cruise. Let’s break it down, shall we?

First, there’s the obvious convenience marriages. Tom Cruise took a chapter out of Rock Hudson’s book and one-upped that closet homo… he married his hag. I mean, it was the perfect set up. Nicole Kidman needed a green card and Tom needed a beard. Do you really think he climbed up that 6 foot pole every night for some TLC? Hell no!

Then there’s the eerie relationship with Will Smith. Now that’s a tall, dark glass of chocolate milk that TC is climbing up. Trust us… those two aren’t just golf buddies unless you take into account that one gets the club and the other gets the hole. Fore!

Exhibit 596: Straight men don't musical. Need we say more?

Sorry Jada, but you and Joey from Dawson’s Creek are shit out luck, ladies.

Besides the obvious fact that Tom #tans, get’s regular facials (have you seen that skin?), and has a hair cut about as masculine as Portia De Rossie on an Australian Pride cruise, there’s the never-fail sign that Tom is #DTB… gossip magazines told us so.

Every the class act, how does Tom Cruise respond to being called by every publication from The BibleUS Weekly to Entertainment Weekly? He ignores the press and continues to do gay shit! Have you seen the shot of him in Rock of Ages? We all know straight men don’t do #musicals. Ever.

Then we have the whole Scientology situation. Look, don’t get us started on how bat shit insane that bullshit is. What the fuck is a silent birth, anyway? Besides donating thousands of dollars to Kalah or some such shit, one of the prerequisites to being a top tier ‘ologist is a full frontal orgy. Of course we can’t verify this fact because we didn’t pay our dues and thus weren’t invited. But we saw Eyes Wide Shut (well… we saw that scene…), we KNOW what goes on during mass!

As our crush for Tom dwindled over the years- seriously, he’s verging on Dinosaur– only one thing has kept us hanging on and going back for more Mission Impossible: the chance that he’ll plop right down next to us on that couch and let us give him a Handy J while he yells “Show me the money!” at the top of his lungs.

We’re sorry, Suri, but Poppa Cruise is definitely flippable even if he’s fallen off our to-flip list. Homeboy is so not straight.

Look, we’re not here to out Ryan Seacrest. Not our goal. He’s been doing it for us since that first American Idol confetti shower back in 2001. Think we were watching Kelly Clarkson take the crown? On the contrary friends. We were watching Ryan grin like a #DTB go-go dancer in the middle of Pasadena’s Pride Parade.

Ryan: Honey, you know what I love most about you? Julianne: I can put my leg behind my ear? Ryan: No...You look just your brother!

Yes, folks, there are very few celebrities who have managed to pull the cashmere wool over everyone’s eyes like Ryan Seacrest, but we’re on to his little game.

But SMD, he has a girlfriend! Who dances for a living! There’s no greater jackpot for a str8 boi. Where else can he get an endless supply of glitter, tulle, and high heels to prance around in while she’s out at the spa? Have you been to a Dancing with the Stars cast party? Hello! We’re talking #cosmos and #flippable str8 bros galore. Hello Mark Ballas!

The only thing gayer than being a dancer, is bearding one.

Never mind that Ryan is one of the most powerful faces in showbiz; let’s focus on the fact that his face is as perfectly sculpted as Dr. Troy on Nip/Tuck. Think he had that when he was slumming it with Brian Dunkleman under the American Idol bleachers? We’ve been to a talent show, Ryan. We know what goes on under there. Oh hell no. Ryan learned very quickly that if he was going to get any action in West Hollywood, he’d need to upgrade the gams, and girlfriend did so!

Still not sure? Take this on for size. Ryan Secreast makes his living running E! Entertainment. Ask any str8 boi what his dream job is, and it would include celeb gossip, copious amounts of fashion, and getting to watch dailies of Keeping Up with the Kardashians all day long. Homeboy even scored an invite to the wedding! Zing!

Straight men don’t go to Kim Kardashian’s wedding.

So, Ryan, we give you full props for flying under the radar this long. We’ll even go as far as to say congrats to Julianne Hough for landing herself a primo GBFF (Gay BFF). But we all know when he’s holding her in his arms, he’s actually thinking about the other Hough… Derek.

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