Corporate Shilling - Our Summer 2013 Wish List

If you’re a vampire wasteoid who prefers to spend all day indoors, inhaling cancer-causing fungal spores from your air conditioner, the fact that it’s almost summer probably means nothing to you. You’re a freak. But if you’re part of the rest of society, reside in an overcrowded city, and have spent the past six months shoving ski gloves in your pants in order to keep your ass warm, June is the month you’ve been waiting for.

The time has come to stop wasting your days guarding your goods from the harsh elements and spend more time scoping out babes who, like you, are throwing caution to the wind and losing some layers. But with this new freedom comes a new set of problems: What can I wear to effectively hide that baby-size burrito I just ate? How can I avoid dumb tan lines or stop my legs from getting suctioned to every chair I sit on? Which styles will help me to attract a summer mate when I’m surrounded by a sea of barely dressed individuals who actually went on a summer diet? Chill, you have nothing to worry about. Just take our metaphorical hand and let this summer style guide lead the way.

1. RAY-BAN SURFS UP WAYFARER SUNGLASSES
This classic Ray-Ban style has been the go-to frame to mask the most heinous of hangovers ever since Tom Cruise wore them in Risky Business. Since there is not a person alive who doesn’t look good in Wayfarers, they’re the most stolen sunglasses style in history. At least now, with the updated design, you can legitimately call out your friends for swiping your shit.

3. TROPICALIA SWIM TRUNKS
In the rainforest there are a number of species that display brightly colored skin and feathers for the purpose of attracting a female mate. If a bunch of frogs and birds can impress a girl by flashing their colors, you can do the same by sporting some neon.

5. VANS JOINTED SUNGLASSES
Shades like these are perfect for summer afternoons in the park. Just like the double-sided mirrors you see on TV, these sunglasses let you see out but keep others from looking in. That way, you can silently judge everyone around you.

6. UO FLUTTER CAT-EYE SUNGLASSES
When the sun comes out, girls should use these shades to transition from their liquid-lined cat eyes to plastic ones.

7. KIMCHI BLUE TIE-FRONT TROPICAL PRINT SHIRT
The best girls at any party are the ones wearing a Hawaiian-print shirt. They’re down for whatever, have weird stick and poke tattoos, and don’t think twice about shotgunning beers with a bunch of dudes. Basically a girl wearing the Kimchi Blue Tie-Front Tropical Print Shirt is your wildest dream come true—she's like a girl version of you but cooler, funnier, and way better at Xbox.

8. DEENA & OZZY STRAPY SPORT SANDAL
I'm not really sure what sports you can play in sandals like these, but who honestly wants to play sports in the hot, skin-cancer-fueling sun? Fuck that melanoma shit.

9. VANS CAUSAL FRIDAY SNAPBACK HAT
A good summer snapback is crucial, and this Vans Casual Friday snapback is totally goofy but equally endearing. There is no way anyone could ever see a man rocking this hat and go, “That guy sucks.” It’s impossible to hate unless of course you also despise things like puppies and smiling babies.

10. SPITFIRE LENNON 2 ROUND SUNGLASSES
There's a good reason that EVERY rock legend to EVER live owned a pair of sunglasses just like these. What that reason is? I have no idea. But they couldn't have all been wrong.

11. VANS ERA ACID-WASH SNEAKER
Everyone knows wearing socks in the summer blows, which is why simple low-rise Vans are a revelation for your feet. They’re your best option if you’re looking to ditch the cotton footies and not be plagued by gnarly blisters. Unfortunately, halfway through the summer, you’ll have to Febreze the hell out of them.

12. ONE & ONLY RENEWA PRINTED BOMBER JACKET
Even on days when it’s boiling hot, a light jacket can be necessary. With cropped tees, bra tops, and backless shirts in style, it's good to keep one in your bag or backseat. You never know when you might bump into your mom and have to hide that new tattoo.

13. TROPICALIA GEO ELASTIC-WAIST SHORTS
It takes a bold guy to wear such a dramatic print, but I can guarantee you that this guy is going to be the life of every party you have this summer.

14. MIRROR MIRROR ROUND GLASSES
These sunglasses are a must have for both guys and girls alike. They have a simple round shape that fits nice and snuggly in any pocket, without making you look like you’ve got some kind of peculiar flesh defect on your thigh. Or if you do have one, just stick a pair of these in the other pocket and no one will even question your other leg.