Menu

(in her 40s)

The School Run Game

Guess what gang? I’ve invented a new board game. It’s called (just in case you didn’t discern this from the title of this post) The School Run Game. Yes, it’s a board game based on getting your little darlings to school on time. The game will come with little mum or dad shaped counters that will smack of existential angst. There’ll also be a dice that you throw to see what fate you and the light of your life will meet during the school run. Now until the game gets the final approval from Hasbro*, I’m sharing below all the fun you can come across during the The School Run Game. With a handy dice, a pen and paper and some dried up raisins for counters you could probably play the game at home right now. Enjoy!

You bark at child until they have their coat on (never done up), shoes on (probably on wrong feet) and hopefully with their school bag. Excellent start (go forward one place)

You leave the house at 8:40am and it’s perfectly dry. Torrential downpour commences at 8:41am & continues until 9:10am when it suddenly becomes perfectly dry and sunny again. (Swear under breath)

See a parent ahead that you can’t be bothered to have a conversation with. You walk really slowly so that you don’t catch up with them (go back one place)

Look behind you and see lots of parents you know well enough to have a conversation with, but notice that they’re all walking really slowly and probably won’t catch up with you (Cry inside)

It’s winter, you’re in the UK, it’s icy, you slip and land on your arse. You sit and cry and seriously consider commando crawling all the way to school (miss a turn)

Your child slips on ice and lands on their arse. You yank them back up, tell them they’re fine and march on regardless. You ain’t going to be late for school again and a little slip on the ice isn’t going to delay you (go forward one space)

A little shit A small child whizzes past you on their scooter, whacking your hand as they do so (which fucking kills) and then they suddenly stop in front of you, causing you to suddenly stop in your tracks and you put your left knee out (go back two places)**

You arrive at the school gates and conveniently there’s an impromptu game of football taking place RIGHT BY THE GATES. The football naturally whacks you on your head, knocks your glasses off and you yell at no one in particular (go back one place)

Inside the school gates, you see a member of the PTA looking hopefully in your direction. You pull a speedy, dodging move that the best rugby players in the word would be in admiration of (go forward two places)

You see your favourite school mum and literally skip towards them for a gossip pleasant chat (go forward three places)

Your child falls and lands in a muddy puddle. The twat. (miss a turn)

Your child has an argument with another child and no one can understand what it’s about. And nobody ever does…(go back one place)

You get caught up in a horde of active wear mums about to go on a group run (go back two places)

Whilst waiting for the school to open, you get stuck with the playground bore describing in minute detail their plans for the day (Cry inside again)

You forgot your child’s pack lunch, you absolute bellend (go back to the start)

Your child for absolutely no explicable reason decides that they don’t want to go to school today and they start crying. Between you and the teacher pushing them into the classroom, you managed it. You’re heartbroken, beaten up, traumatised, but you got your child to school on time whilst keeping them alive. Congratulations. You win.

Like this:

Related

Post navigation

60 comments

Those damn scooters! They are the bane of my existence here in Germany. Trying to get to the shops and I am being run over by 3 years olds scooting by and trying to kill me. Never happened in America, well, most of the 3 year olds are too fat to use a scooter..but anyway. Scooters, ugh!

Haha. What is the obsession with fucking scooters! I’ve done another post where I had good rant solely about scooters (link is at bottom of this post if you ever feel like reading it), but I have a strong feeling you may agree with a lot of it.

I totally agree with it!! I also have to admit that I feel a dark sort of joy when the little monsters no longer want to scooter…then mom/dad get to carry the scooter all through the shops. I have turned into an angry old man..”Get off my lawn!!”

Very funny piece, and as a stay at home dad, I emphasise with all of it. Did you watch Motherland, a sitcom on BBC 2 recently? It was great, all about the school run and other parenting challenges, although the stay at home dad character was too daft for my liking.

I enjoyed every word of this post. I always feel bad about not wanting to have a conversation with every mom–but like you said–perhaps they’re avoiding me too!
And all the ice falling!!! This is the most true to life picture of a normal day I can imagine and any game manufacturers out there should definitely take note.

You forgot the time you arrive at school and every other child is in fancy dress/non-uniform, and your child isn’t, throws a complete wobbly and has to be taken home to have something manufactured in the 10 minutes you don’t have before you will be late for work.

The next version features teenagers half undressed when they enter the car forgetting phone, textbook, instrument, and proceeding to gripe at you because they are now late (go back 1) and could you please give them a check for the music tutor pronto because they have a lesson today and of course the check book is at home securely on your desk, oh and there’s s Latin club meeting till 5:30 please pick them up although you have to be across town exact same time (go back 6 spaces)
Yeah, the game would be a hit but you should also get bonuses of a shot of whiskey every other turn!

Yeesh I’ve dropped my kids off either in fancy dress when it wasn’t or in uniform when it was fancy dress FIVE TIMES! Awful awful. Last time they wouldn’t get out of the car and I teacher had to run over with some dress up stuff. You’d think 12 years of parenting would have sorted me out by now.

Fricking LULZ mate! I’ve had a couple of years off this malarkey but I am indeed back to square one (do not collect £200) in September.

I do have some actual quite fond memories of the first time round, big group of mams and kids, playparks and soft play parties. It all went a bit rubbish around year 3 though 😂 eeeeh I have a year in me eye, lass! And not just from a scooter wheel to the ankle! X

Fricking LULZ mate! I’ve had a couple of years off this malarkey but I am indeed back to square one (do not collect £200) in September.

I do have some actual quite fond memories of the first time round, big group of mams and kids, playparks and soft play parties. It all went a bit rubbish around year 3 though 😂 eeeeh I have a year in me eye, lass! And not just from a scooter wheel to the ankle! X

I dunno really, it wasn’t a sudden change but gradual. Some mams fell out over daft things, so trying to avoid taking sides was a thing. Three mams also became TAs and because they were busy and not waiting in the playground anymore, the relationship dynamics changed. They became educational professionals working with our kids, their friendships shifted to the teachers and not the mams…

Can we do a non-parent version which involves a driver trying to get to work without a) crashing into the back of a car stopping in the middle of the road to let our their little darling, b) crashing into the back of a car which has stopped on a green traffic light to let our their little darling; or c) running over the little darling that emerges from said car?

I like this game! I want to play! So true and funny! We leave at 8:10 and at 7:59, my 9-year-old is still on the sofa watching cartoons and I’m like, you need to brush your teeth and your hair, take your plate over and get dressed and you only have 11 minutes. Go! It’s like pulling teeth but then again, I blog up until the last minute, forcing me to put my makeup on in the car during my commute.

I always blog till the 11th minute. There are sometimes where I’m like, ‘do I really need to take a shower? I mean, I haven’t sweated or anything.’ Or ‘Can I use dry shampoo just one more time? I could get more stuff on Pinterest if I do that.’