The Warshington Roast has
recently discovered that well-known and beloved movie actor Charleston
Hesseman was paid over $500,000 in his role as a consultant for gun control
policy for the White House. Mr. Hesseman currently holds the position of
president of the National Gun Association. This follows closely on the
heels of recent revelations that the Bush administration has paid for
disingenuous "news reports" as well as clandestine "expert endorsements" for
its controversial "No Child left Behind" education initiatives with taxpayer
funds.

Roast reporter Lib
Journeyman was able to track down Mr. Hesseman in his Hollywood hillside
mansion, and what follows is an exclusive interview graciously granted by
Mr. Hesseman himself:

Journeyman: "Mr. Hesseman
thanks again for granting us this interview."

Hesseman: "Lib, it's
always a pleasure."

Journeyman: "Well, Mr.
Hesseman, I suppose you are aware of the story that my paper ran in regards
to your consultative work with the White House. Would you care to comment?"

Hesseman: "Well Lib, to be
honest, I'll have to say that I don't read your paper that much because of
the way it presents the news. But, this is America and you are free to do
that, and I'm free to not read it. The truth of the matter is, yes, I have
been a strong supporter of this administration's position on gun control. I
would be derelict in my duties as the president of the NGA if I wasn't. Yes,
I've met the President, and his adviser Mr. Rove, and I've also met Mr. Bush
Sr. on a number of occasions, and I'll have to say they're all fine, decent
men, really. As to the money, well, look around you here, Lib. Do I
honestly look like I'm wanting, or hurting for anything? I've had a great
career in Hollywood and I have been really blessed financially. The fees
that we are talking about, well, that's just really nothing more than
"operating expenses". I don't need the money. Heck, I've just recently
donated about that much to other Republican campaigns in America. Really,
there's no "smoking gun" here."

Journeyman: "So what would
you say is the White House's position on gun control?"

Hesseman: "I think this
administration has a lot of common ground with the NGA, Lib. We're both
staunch supporters of every American's God-given right from the Second
Amendment to our Constitution to own and bear arms. Every person has a
right to feel safe in their own home, and to use firearms responsibly
whether for sport or hunting. The Republicans have been rock solid in their
support behind this. As a matter of fact this issue alone has made the
party more attractive to many of our NGA members who are Democrats. Every
time that they propose one of these assault weapon bans, well, pardon the
pun, but they just "shoot themselves in the foot" and prove our point
further. From my cold dead hands!... heh, heh..."

Journeyman: "Correct me if
I'm wrong, Mr. Hesseman, but doesn't the Second Amendment speak more towards
the rights of citizens to bear arms against their own government, or
oppressive regimes?"

Hesseman: "Heh, heh...
don't you think that's a bit of an exaggeration and a distortion there,
Lib? Let's just put me down as a "no comment" on that."

Journeyman: "Okay.
Perhaps you'd care to comment about the recent stories in the news about the
.50 caliber rifles available in the United States."

Hesseman: "Oh! The
Barrett .50 rifle! A fine piece of precision and craftsmanship! Accurate
to over a mile away. I own three of them myself! Oops! Maybe we’d better
edit that out. I support our new governor here in California, Mr.
Schwarzenegger, a fine, fine man, I've met him many times, but he couldn't
be more wrong on this particular issue for California. Arnold, if you're
reading this, take note... ‘We’ll be back'... heh, heh, heh. But,
seriously, Lib, no one was more appalled than I was about that story of the
fishermen in Kansas finding three of these rifles apparently abandoned or
stashed around a creek. This is behavior that no card-carrying member of
the NGA would ever tolerate."

Journeyman: "I think most
people are more concerned with what would be the need for private ownership
of this rifle in the first place."

Hesseman: "Lib, if you
take away the right to own guns, then pretty soon only criminals will have
guns. If you haven't experienced the thrill and exhilaration of firing one
of these babies, I really don't see how you can honestly report about it.
At three dollars a pop for a cartridge though, it's a little expensive for
"punching paper"… wait, I’ve got an idea. Follow me.

I then followed Mr.
Hesseman out onto his deck high in the hills overlooking Hollywood.
Thousands of magnificent homes dotted the landscape off in the distance and
it was a beautifully clear winter day for Southern California. Mr. Hesseman
then leaned over the rail and pointed off into the distance.

Hesseman: “See that three
story pink house just there in the distance, the one with the taupe roof?
That’s not quite a mile from here, as the crow flies. Just imagine the
thrill of just knowing that I could accurately hit something there from this
distance, and I can, too! Actually, that’s the house of the current
president of the homeowners association here. Arrogant bastard. Association
fees keep going up, and the value of our Real Estate keeps going down. I
feel kind of sorry for him, though. I understand he’s had a running problem
recently with vandalism to his car… tires flattened… some other things…”

Journeyman: “So, Mr.
Hesseman, your position on the .50 caliber rifle would be that it’s
important for all Americans to have the right to own one in keeping with the
true definition of the Second Amendment.”

Hesseman: “Heh, heh… nice
try again there, Lib, but like I said before, I’m simply not going to go
there with you! I will say this though, to anyone out there with anything
bad to say about America and our President, I say ‘bring it on’; we’ve got a
little surprise waiting for you!”

House Majority Whip Tom
DeLay was unavailable for comment in regards to allegations of some of the
funds in question being traced ultimately to his legal defense fund in
Texas.

The Warshington Roast
contacted the White House prior to publication and spokesman Scott McClellan
stated, “The President, at this time, simply has no comment until all the
facts are known. It would be foolish to either confirm or deny anything at
this point and give it the semblance of factuality. The reality is that
these things should more accurately be allowed to remain as allegations. We
have an obligation to the American people to aggressively create and promote
known facts responsibly and for the good of the country at a time of war.”