Star Trek is owned by Paramount.
Star Traks was created by Alan Decker, your glory-iffic guide to the world
of Traks. Star Traks: The Vexed Generation was created by the fantastical
Anthony Butler. He's not available at the moment, so you're stuck with
Brendan Shust.
Copyright 2006. All rights, and wrongs, are reserved.
If you're offended by mildly disturbing language, situations, and the utter
disregard of some of Star Trek's greatest premises, better hit the "Back"
button on your browser right now. If not, welcome aboard!
STAR TRAKS: THE VEXED GENERATION
'Conway and the Coffee Beanery'
By Brendan Shust
Act One: Admission
"It's OK honey, really," Counselor Peterman said, rubbing Captain
Andy Baxter's shoulders as he slouched, discouraged, in his chair.
"No it isn't," Baxter groaned, "You liked it, you thought it was
pretty, and I ruined it. Destroyed it. Vaporized it!"
"Er, yeah," Peterman admitted, "But it made a really pretty
explosion,"
'It' had been a small, nearly irrelevant lump of space debris. 'It'
had also just happened to consist primarily of quartz, and 'it' had been
shaped just like the head of a large dog. Peterman, excited, had begged
Baxter to bring it aboard, saying it would make a great fixture in the
Explorer's arboretum. Sadly, Baxter had misaligned the tractor beam,
shattering the rock into million's of quartz-coloured fragments. The
fragments had refracted the beam's energy into a truly beautiful display.
"Do you really think so?" Baxter asked, lifting his head.
"For sure," Peterman smile, "In fact, I'd rather have the fireworks
than a big dumb rock anyway,"
"Really?" Baxter asked, giving Peterman his own puppy-dog look.
"Really," Peterman lied.
A few star systems over, Captain David Conway was finishing his
day on an equally unpleasant note.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE 'OUT'??" he demanded.
Crewman Brown cowered behind the counter in The Starlight
Lounge-A, the Aerostar-A's lounge.
"I-I mean you drank the last cup this morning," she stuttered,
falling back against the counter behind the bar, "T-there's no more!"
It was no secrete that Captain Conway had a minor coffee
problem. 'Minor' in the same way that the Titanic had suffered a 'minor'
leak one chilly night and caused a 'minor' loss of life. Conway was a man
who enjoyed his coffee. He was also a man who responded very badly
when the love of his life vanished. Were you thinking of his ex-wife?
That's not what I meant. The one item that Conway could always count
on to bring warmth to his day, the one thing that gave him pleasure
through Gorn attacks and Dominion plots was his beloved java.
"Oh this is just f**king great!" Conway screamed, "A highly
advanced, Prometheus-class starship and you can't even brew me a cup of
coffee!"
"T-the replicator-" Brown started.
At a nearby table, Lieutenants Gellar and Kamtezen were eating a
meal of cold rations. As Gellar noticed Conway's rising blood pressure,
he nudged Kamtezen and nodded in Conway's direction.
"What a great idea!" Conway was shouting, "Use the replicator!"
"B-but sir-"
"Never mind!" Conway stepped around the bar, Brown darting
back to avoid him, "I'll do it myself, as you're clearly incapable!"
"B-but-"
"Computer!" Conway snapped, "Jamaican-blend, double strong
and extra large!"
The replicator hummed and a very large mug of coffee began to
materialize on the tray. Before it could fully form, there was a series of
strange sounds from deep inside the replicator. Conway didn't even have
time to scream as the half-form mug exploded, coating him with a thick,
slimy goop.
"The replicators are broken," Crewman Brown said softly.
Conway, only his eyes visible beneath the foul smelling slime,
only growled as he stormed out of the lounge. Gellar and Kamtezen
laughed hysterically.
The morning after, still in a bad mood, Conway stormed onto the
bridge of the USS Aerostar-A, his ship, stalked right past the command
chair and disappeared into his ready room.
"Captain on the Bridge," Ensign Saral called, somewhat belatedly,
from the Ops panel.
Commander Larkin, first officer, turned to Saral and raised an
eyebrow.
"Captain OFF the Bridge," Larkin added.
"Indeed," Saral replied dryly.
"Y'know," Lieutenant Commander Zachary Ford broke in from
the helm console, "If you ladies are going to disagree, I think you need to
settle things with a mud-wrestling match," he grinned in a way that he
thought was charming, but in reality was straddling the borderline
between creepy and pathetic.
"You are a pig," Larkin said, turning back to her padd.
"Commander," Saral broke in, "We are receiving a transmission
from Starfleet Command,"
"On screen," Larkin said.
"Um, shouldn't we route that to the Captain?" Gellar asked from
Tactical.
"While it would be amusing for Captain Conway to be berated by
an Admiral for his poor manners and attitude this morning, it would not be
in the best interest of the ship," Larkin said coolly.
"Whatever you said," Gellar shrugged. Saral piped in the
transmission.
"Arstr", Admiral Harlem Baxter grunted from the main screen,
shifting a thick cigar from one side of his mouth to another, "Wrs
Cnway?"
"The Captain is not available at this time, sir," Larkin said politely,
"However, I am more than ready to-"
"Whatever," Admiral Baxter cut her off, his speech clearing as he
pulled out the cigar and tapped it in an ashtray, "You're being ordered to
sector 172-A. We've had a request for Federation representatives from
one of the planets there. You're going to be one of them,"
"Of course, Admiral," Larkin replied, he android programming
answering with perfect politeness, "May I inquire as to the nature of-"
"The Grand Perkulon of the planet Beanus 6 has requested a-"
"BEANUS 6??" Conway exclaimed, running out of his ready room
and landing in his command chair, "Yes SIR!" he said happily, throwing
Baxter a salute, "We're on our way!"
"As I was saying," Admiral Baxter growled, "The Grand Perkulon
of Beanus-6 is requesting Federation assistance in locating a historical
artifact that has gone missing; the Golden Bean. Whoever finds it will be
invited to the planet to tour some fancy thing they have there. Most
importantly, if you find this Golden Bean, the Beanians will agree to open
negotiations for Federation membership,"
"Uh-huh," Conway nodded hurriedly, "Find Golden Bean, open
negotiations. You can count on us 100 percent, sir!"
"Of course I can," Admiral Baxter signed, cutting the channel.
"I can't count on Conway to pull this off," Admiral Baxter said to
his son, Captain Andy Baxter, "There's no way that moron is going to go
into this with an open mind,"
"So you need us to pull his, er, beans out of the fire?" Andy asked
with a chuckle.
"Don't try to be funny, boy!" Admiral Baxter snapped, "It doesn't
work. Truth is this mission is too important for either of you to screw it
up. Work together and get the Beanians into the Federation! I don't care
who does it, just get it done!"
Admiral Baxter cut the channel to the USS Explorer and leaned
back in his chair, taking another long pull on his cigar.
"The Beanians are going to hate us," he said quietly.
"Oh, this is just PERFECT!" Andy Baxter exclaimed happily,
sitting in his command chair on the Galaxy-class USS Explorer. His first
officer, Commander Chris Richards, was seated next to him, drawing a
doodle of Matrian scout ship.
"Why's that?" Richards asked, not really paying attention.
"It's perfect," Baxter explained, "because it means that Dad
doesn't trust Conway enough to complete this mission, so he's got us here
ready to cover for him! Conway's gonna go nuts when he finds out! It's
perfect!"
"Andy," Counselor Peterman broke in from the seat on Baxter's
other side, "rubbing something like this into his face would be cruel. Who
knows what kind of damage you might do to his ego!"
Baxter looked at Peterman blankly for a moment.
"Honey," he finally said, "it's CONWAY!"
"Oh, right," Peterman giggled, "Let's humiliate him!" She
suddenly shook her head, "No! No! I am a professional Starfleet
counselor, and it would be wrong of me to do that to a fellow officer," her
face fell into a pout, "no matter how much I may want to," she finished.
"But," Baxter started, "Kelley!"
"My mind's made up!" Peterman said firmly, "We're going to help
Conway, just like the Admiral said. And we're going to do it with a little
dignity for once!"
Crossing his arms, Baxter likewise pouted.
"What the hell are you drawing, anyway?" he snapped at Richards,
snatching his doodle-padd away. The ship Richards was drawing was
roughly cylindrical, with a triangular point at the bow and 4 warp nacelles
at the rear. The aft section was studded with antennas pointing off in
every possible direction, giving the ship a broom-like look.
"Some starship tangled with a bunch of these things a year ago,"
Richards said, snatching his padd back.
"And you're drawing them WHY?" Baxter demanded.
"I've never seen a race that used so much pink in their ship
designs," Richards shrugged.
Captain's Log, Stardate 58210.4, USS Aerostar,
"We've set course for the legendary planet of Beanus 6 where we
will be assisting with the recovery of a sacred artifact known as the
Golden Bean. Since for no apparent reason most of my staff hasn't ever
heard of the place, I've taken it upon myself to have them properly
educated,"
"Oh yeah. Our replicators are still offline. Somebody at Starfleet
Command really should talk to the company that makes these emergency
ration packs two days eating these things and it feels like I'm passing
rocks!"
"Why isn't the Captain giving this briefing anyway?" Lt. Cmdr.
Ford asked, lounging in his seat at the conference table with his hands
behind his head, "isn't he the expert on this place?'
"The Captain no doubt feels I would be better suited to the task of
briefing you on our destination," Commander Larkin replied, her android
features revealing no trace of the irritation she was feeling.
"Or he's too busy looking for a fix," Dr. Lanham, Conway's ex-
wife muttered.
Larkin, Gellar, Ford, Bezra and Lanham had convened for the
briefing. Lt. Cmdr. Kamtezen, Chief Engineer, had opted to continue to
repair the replicators. The problem wasn't major; an EPS overload had
misaligned the emitter arrays on every replicator on the ship. But until the
arrays were realigned, the replicators functioned better as explosive
devices than they did as meal service units.
"He won't have long to wait," Larkin said, tapping a console. On
the far wall, an image of a lush, green planet appeared, 'This is the planet
Beanus 6,"
"Why'd Conway say it was legendary?" Gellar wondered, "I've
never heard of it,"
"To most, Beanus 6 is a standard M-class planet," explained
Larkin, "It was colonized during the so-called 'Corporate Expansion',"
"Sssss?" Bezra hissed, then clacked her mandibles. Larkin chose
to interpret the insectiod's sound as confusion.
"A period in Earth history where large corporations expended
substantial resources to locate colony planets suitable to their corporate
goals," Larkin explained, "Primarily as a means of resource exploitation.
Also, as they were free to govern these worlds as they saw fit, it was
easier for them to impose their slave-like corporate working conditions on
the inhabitants,"
"Fun," Ford commented.
"This, of course, was ended with the formation of the Federation,"
Lanham added, sounding bored, "It took decades to sort out the human
rights violations committed in some of those places!"
"Beanus 6 was settled by a corporation specializing in the creation
of 'designer coffees'," Larkin said, "They rejected Federation
membership. After the Federation Supreme Court ruled that they, unlike
most corporate worlds, were governing in a responsible fashion they were
allowed to retain their independence,"
"And?" Bezra asked, "Thisss isss important why?"
"It is important to fully understand a planet prior to arrival,"
Larkin reminded her, "It is helpful in avoiding unpleasant
misunderstandings,"
"OK, so the Beanians," Gellar shot Ford a dark look at the latter
burst out laughing, "are an independent Earth colony?"
"I doubt they would agree," Larkin said, "They have been
independent for centuries. They are Beanians. However, nobody really
knows for sure,"
"Why's that?"
An image of a ship appeared on the screen. It was obviously a
freighter. The complete lack of windows suggested that it was an
unmanned freighter.
"The Beanians cut all ties to outside worlds over a century ago,"
Larkin said, "Nobody who has attempted to visit the planet has ever
returned. All we do know is that they export large quantities of coffee,"
"Coffee?" Ford resumed laughing.
"Indeed," Larkin raised an eyebrow, "And not just any coffee, but
the highest quality coffee found in the entire Federation," she shrugged,
"Or so the database says. Being an android, I have no need for stimulants
nor do I have any appreciation of beverages. But by all accounts, Beanian
coffee is the best there is,"
She tapped the panel again and a bio-scanner display appeared.
Lists of enzymes, proteins and other bio-stuff appeared next to an image
of a coffee bean.
Dr. Lanham immediately leaned closer.
"It's remarkably complex," she said after a moment, "I don't even
recognize some of those enzyme strings," she shrugged, "I bet matter
replicators have a field day with this one,"
"Indeed," Larkin said, "It is possible to replicate Beanian coffee,
but the quality is generally quite poor,"
"At least now we know why Dave, I mean, Captain Conway was
so interested in the place," Lanham said coolly,"
"Indeed," Larkin said, "We may be the first outsiders to set foot on
the planet in centuries. To enjoy fresh Beanian roast right from the source
is the Holy Grail of coffee enthusiasts,"
On the Explorer, a very similar meeting was just wrapping up.
"Who cares?" Baxter asked, swiveling left and right in his chair,
"So it's coffee. I'm more of a tea man, myself-"
"Orange pekoe," Peterman sighed.
"Why does the Federation care so much about these people?"
Baxter went on.
"Lots of people really like coffee," Janice Browning said
thoughtfully, "Or coffee cake, Coffee Crisp, coffee liquor-"
"Sounds like Conway's kind of place,"
"We're dropping out of warp," Ford reported from the helm.
"Take us into standard orbit," Conway snapped, "Put it on screen!
Let's see it!"
An ordinary looking M-class planet appeared on the screen.
"It does not look legendary to me," Saral said calmly from
Operations, "Sensors show a population of 2 billion, primarily in the
equatorial zones. I am picking up extensive agricultural zones,"
"Space facilities?" Larkin inquired.
"A type-4 space station, 4 bulk freighters, 12 light freighters, 36
vessels of runabout size or less-"
"Yeah, whatever," Conway said, cutting off Saral.
"But sir," Saral started.
"But nothing," Conway said firmly, "We're here to establish
relations with these people, not inventory their star fleet!"
"We're being hailed by a Romulan warbird," Larkin said calmly.
"WHAT?" Conway straightened, nearly falling out of his chair.
Clutching the armrests, he glared at Saral who only raised one eyebrow in
an 'I-tried-to-tell-you' gesture.
"On screen," Conway growled.
A female Romulan appeared on the screen, her dark hair cut
severely around her pointed ears, a look of calm confidence on her
delicate features.
"I'd like to establish 'diplomatic relations' with her," Ford
grinned.
"Federations starship," the Romulan stated, "I am Sub-
Commander Zelars of the warbird Sharmin. Your officer is a pig,"
"The universal translater sure hit that one on the mark," Lanham
muttered from the science station.
"Captain Conway of the Federation starship-" Conway started.
Before he could go any further, the screen switched to a split view as a
snarling Klingon visage appeared.
"I am Kitan of the Klingon warship K'Ti and I am why are you
laughing?" he demanded.
Conway, Ford and even Lanham were trying really hard to get
their chuckles under control.
"My apologies Captain Kitten, um, Kitan," Conway chocked, "I
am Captain Conway of the-"
This time the screen broke into a 3 way view as a Cardassian male
appeared on the screen.
"Gul Duropens of the Cardassian Guard, 5th Order," he said.
"Captain Con-"
"Hey Dave," Baxter smiled cheerfully from the screen as it
switched to a 4-way view, "How's it going?"
"BAXTER!" Conway snapped, "What are you doing here?"
"I was speaking first," Sub-Commander Zelars said frostily.
"I will not abide your insult to my honour," snapped Captain
Kitan.
"Cardassian interests will be-"
"EVERY BODY SHUT UP!" Conway screamed, "Now listen, I'm
Captain Conway of the-"
"Welcome to Beanus 6," chirped yet another voice as the
viewscreen switched to 5-way mode.
"I haven't been this confused since I went home with members of
a 3 gendered species," Ford commented from the helm.
"Captain, we have more ships dropping out of warp," Saral
reported, "I'm picking up Talarian, Andorian, Tellarite, Benzite, Bolian,
Bajoran and Breen vessels,"
"Open a channel to all ships," Conway seethed, "This is Captain
Conway of the Federation Starship Aerostar and by God I am going to
finish ONE introduction today!"
"And I am Timothy Sundollar the 2nd, Grand Perkulon of Beanus
6," announced the chipper looking man in the central section of the screen,
"Welcome to our world, may the hunt for the Golden Beans begin!"
"Beans?" Conway asked, "I thought there was only one-"
"Don't think, it will give you a headache, dear boy," Timothy said
dismissively, "Now, there are 5 Golden Beans hidden somewhere in the
surrounding star systems, each one packed in an ordinary bag of house
roast Beanian coffee beans. The 5 ships that find the beans will be invited
to our Grand Beanery where I shall show you myself what Beanus has to
offer. At the end of our tour, one of you will get a special prize: Beanian
allegiance to the organization you represent. Now go!"
The screen went blank.
"Huh?" Baxter stuttered, staring at the blank viewscreen.
"We better get going," Richards said, "the other ships are taking
off. If we want some good hunting ground we better pick a course!"
"I dunno!" Baxter whined, "I can't even beat Steffie at hide and
seek!"
"Pick a direction!" Peterman insisted, "You don't want Conway to
beat us, do you?"
"No!" Baxter stood and straightened his uniform top, "Thataway!"
On the Aerostar, Conway snapped instantly into motion.
"Set course 214 mark 4, maximum warp," he snapped without a
moment's hesitation.
"Course set," Ford replied from the helm.
"GO!" Conway snarled.
Spinning around, the Aerostar's four nacelles flashes as she
jumped into warp.
"You seem to have a plan, Captain," Larkin observed.
"I do," Conway said.
"You've put us on course for a sector with several charted spatial
anomalies," Lanham reported, "Some of them dangerous,"
"Nothing new," Conway muttered with a quick look in his ex-
wife's direction. Louder, "If I wanted to hide something, where better to
hide it?"
"Point taken," Larkin conceded.
"I'm not done yet," Conway said, "Larkin, you have command of
the lower stardrive section. I'm taking the upper stardrive section. Saral,
you have command of the saucer.
"We're separating the ship?" Larkin enquired.
"Damn right," Conway said, heading for the turbolift, "Triple our
chances,"
"I never get command," Ford whined.
"Next time you get laid, you can have command," Conway called
as the turbolift doors closed.
"At least we don't have to worry about that happening anytime
soon," Larkin said thoughtfully as she boarded another turbolift.
Multi-vector assault mode, the selling point of the Prometheus-
class starship, is an expansion on the emergency saucer separation
capability that nearly all Starfleet ships are capable off. Basically, the
ship breaks into 3 segments: The arrow-head shaped saucer section and
two stardrive sections, each with two warp nacelles. A smaller warp
impellor allowed the saucer to sustain a warp field, although once it
dropped to sublight speeds it could not reach warp speed without the aid
of the stardrive sections.
Crew members were sent flailing for handholds as, with a jolt,
couplers and umbilical cables detached from their receptacles. With
another jolt, the Aerostar broke into 3 sections, each section veering off in
a different direction.
Aboard the Explorer, Baxter was frowning at a planet on the main
screen.
"Are you sure there's coffee down there?" he said.
"I'm picking up ion trails consistent with Beanian freighters,"
Science Officer Tilleran reported, "Recent ones, too,"
"Can we determine what part of the planet they visited?" Richards
asked.
"I have tracked their landing point!" declared J'Hana from
Tactical. Her antennae were standing straight up as she focused on her
work, "I will locate the precious bean and give my life to do so!"
"Only if you're allergic to cats," stated Tilleran from the science
station, "I'm picking up feline life signs. Probably non-sentiant,"
"Then there has to be a Golden Bean on this planet," Baxter said,
"Why else would the Beanians be here?"
"Leaving a false trail," J'Hana replied at once, "Trying to throw us
off the scent! It will do them no good, for the mighty J'Hana is on the-"
"Yeah, yeah," Baxter waved a hand in her direction, "Get down
there, see what you can find,"
"Captain, we're getting a transmission from the Beanians,"
reported Kamtezen. Disdaining the usual control center, Conway had
setup his command post for the upper stardrive section in main
engineering. Probably, Kamtezen mused, to pressure him to fix the
damned replicators faster. Replicators were in fact the furthest thing from
Conway's mind as he contemplated a freshly brewed pot of Beanian
medium roast.
"Anything we need to know?" Conway asked.
"The Klingons have found the first Golden Bean,"
"Damn them!" Conway snapped. He tapped furiously at his panel,
"Here! Alter course to 219 mark 4!"
"There's nothing but a gas giant in that star system," objected a
junior officer, filling in at Operations,"
"Look closer," Conway snapped, "Judging from the orbital paths
of the 3 moons in sensor range, there's a 4th moon on the far side of the
planet. The gas giant is parked right in the middle of the stars habitable
zone so there's a good chance that moon is M-class,"
Kamtezen and the other officers looked at Conway in shock.
Noticing them, Conway shrugged.
"I'm very motivated right now," he said.
Gul Duropens grunted as he tore open bag after bag of coffee,
pulling them off the shelves of the small coffee shop he was in.
"Please, good sir," whimpered the store proprietor.
"Bill your damages to the Cardassian Union," Duropens said
curtly, tearing open another bag of Beanian dark roast. Not that the Union
was in very good shape these days, but the potential profits realized from
Beanian partnership far outweighed the cost of a few bags of coffee.
"Gul! Gul Duropens!" called one of his subordinate, "I have it!"
"Another transmission from the Beanians," reported Operations
Officer Howie Sefelt, "The Cardassians have found the second Golden
Bean,"
"Any report from J'Hana?" Baxter asked.
"Nothing yet," Tilleran reported.
"Maybe she needs a hand," Baxter mused, "Howie, why don't you-
"
"Allergic to cats, sir," Sefelt said at once.
"We have shots for that-"
"And coffee gives me a rash," he added.
Baxter looked at his hypochondriac officer for a moment.
"Oh whatever "
Sub-Commander Zelars walked slowly around a simple wooden
chair, on which sat a quivering, terrified humanoid named Furly. There
wasn't so much as a tiny scratch on him, yet he seemed to be in a large
amount of pain.
"You know who I am," Zelars said coolly, "And you know who I
represent,"
"Uh-huh," Furly groaned, flinching a little.
"It's very simple, really," Zelars said, warming her voice to a more
conversational tone, "You have something I want. Give it to me and I will
reward you. Withhold and Sers here will have to hurt you,"
Sers, a 6'4 Romulan with sufficient muscle to give him the
appearance of a walking brick, cracked his knuckles.
Eyes flashing between Sers, Zelars and the cadre of Romulans
standing near the entrance to the room, Furly held his head over the dish
Zelars was holding out and spat out a disgusting mess of blood, saliva,
two broken teeth and a small object that glinted with a metallic light.
"Chewing these foul beans," Zelars shook her head, handing the
bowl to a subordinate, "You deserve what you got!"
She turned to another crewmember.
"Find a good orthodontist and see that he is suitably
compensated," she said as she moved out of the room.
"Transmission from the Beanians," a pale ensign reported, "The
Romulans have located the third Golden Bean,"
"Dammit," Conway snarled, banging one fist against the warp core
railing, "That's only two left!"
"We've reached standard orbit of Signadel 4," the same nameless
ensign reported, "Shall I send down an away team?"
"I'll lead the team myself," Conway snapped, "Kamtezen, Smith,
you're with me,"
Sighing, Kamtezen followed Smith and Conway out of
Engineering and into the corridor.
"If you don't mind me asking, sir," he asked, "What makes you
think the bean is on this planet?"
"I had Larkin query planetary databases in this sector for any
shipments from Beanus that didn't match their standard delivery size,"
Conway said, "That gave me 14 planets. Of those 14, this one," Conway
coloured a little and cleared his throat, "this one just felt right,"
"Use the Coffee Force, Luke!" Ensign Smith cried out, laughing.
"Shut up!" Conway snapped.
They materialized outside a large structure. Although the front
and rear were flat the sides had several curves protruding from them.
"Standard storage facility," Conway said, walking towards the
entrance.
"And we're here why?" Smith asked.
"I don't think I like you," Conway decided, "Nameless extras
shouldn't talk so much,"
"I have a name," Smith objected.
"This wasn't in my contract!" Conway said loudly, shoulders
slumped and arms crossed, "Now either shut this kid up or I'm out of
here!"
Look, Conway, he may be obnoxious, but how else am I going to
give you the chance to explain the brilliance of your plan?
Conway considered for a moment.
"Good point," he conceded, turning back to the building.
"All right, smart-ass," he said to Smith, "This is where the
Beanians drop off roasted beans in bulk. The building over there-"
Conway gestured to a smaller building, "Is where they're bagged and
labeled for distribution across the planet. We did a tight-focus sensor
sweep of this building, and it looks like there's a foreign object in one of
the storage bins, but we couldn't narrow it down any. So we're
investigating,"
"Brilliant, sir," Smith said.
"Damn right," Conway growled, opening the door and marching
up to the security desk.
"I'm Captain David Conway of the-"
"Go right in," the guard said in a bored voice, gesturing to a large
set of double doors that led further into the building.
"I just can't seem to finish an introduction today," Conway mused
as he led his team through the doors.
After climbing a ladder to an overhead catwalk, Conway led his
team down a walkway between the storage bins. Open hatches revealed
the bins to be filled to the brim with coffee beans.
"Breathtaking," Conway breathed as he walked down the
walkway.
Tapping at a tricorder, Kamtezen leaned close to one of the
hatches.
"Careful," Conway snapped, pulling him back, "You don't want to
fall in!"
"It's just coffee," Kamtezen shrugged,
Conway flinched like he'd been slapped.
"If you fall in," he snapped, "You'll drown. Coffee, grain,
whatever. You step into a bin this size you'll sink right to the bottom,"
"But it's just coffee!" Smith objected.
"Wanna try it?" Conway snapped.
Smith shut up.
Conway moved from bin to bin, stopping for a moment at each
one. About halfway down the row he stopped. Reaching into one bin he
pulled out a handful of beans, held them to his nose and sniffed.
And sniffed again.
"If you don't hear from me in two minutes," he said, "Call for
beam out,"
And with that he dove into the bin.
He sank slowly, but sink he did until he was completely out of
sight.
"Captain!" Kamtezen cried. Smith snickered into his hand.
"Conway to Kamtezen," Kamtezen's badge chirped, "C'mon in,
the water's fine,"
Less then a foot under the surface of the bean bin, Kamtezen
abruptly dropped through several feet of open space onto a cool, flat floor.
Catching his breath he looked around, finding Conway standing by a small
pedestal on which sat a single bag of Beanian House Blend. Sidestepping
Ensign Smith as he dropped from the coffee-bean ceiling to the floor,
Kamtezen stood next to Conway.
"Holographic," he said, "How did you know?"
"The smell," Conway replied, "No matter how good your holodeck
matter-replication system is, it just can't handle Beanian coffee,"
Fishing around in the bag, he pulled out a small object that glinted
in the dim light.
The fourth Golden Bean.
"I'll just take this with me," he muttered, dropping the bag of
Beanian beans into his pocket.
The three segments of the USS Aerostar rendezvoused near the
outskirts of the Beanian system. Moving on carefully programmed
courses the three segments matched orientation and velocity before slowly
coming together to dock.
"Congratulations, Captain," Larkin said.
"Thank you, thank you," Conway said, settling into his chair, "It
looks like we'll be the Federation Envoy to Beanus after all!"
"Incoming transmission from Beanus," Seral reported.
"On screen,"
Timothy Sundollar the 2nd appeared on the main viewscreen.
"Congratulations contest winners!" he said, clapping his hands
together, "Congratulations on your wit, your skill and your determination!
And now for your instructions: At exactly 0900 hours tomorrow morning
you and two crewmembers of your choice will come to the entrance to our
Grand Coffee Beanery. I will be there to greet you myself and will be
more than happy to show you the pride of our planet. At the end of the
day Beanus will declare its allegiance to one of your governments. I look
forward to meeting each of you. Again, congratulations!"
The screen went blank.
"Larkin," Conway said, "I want a shuttle ready to go for tomorrow
morning. You, Ford and I will go down to the planet's surface,"
"Are you sure including Mr. Ford is a good idea?" Larkin asked
quietly, "We are, after all, trying to make a good impression,"
"I'm sure," Conway said firmly, "With him around, I'll make a
great impression. Y'know," he shrugged, "By comparison,"
"What are you two talking about back there?" Ford asked loudly
from the helm.
"Nothing," Larkin and Conway replied innocently.
"Anyway," Conway said, stretching, "I'm heading off-duty. The
bridge is yours, Commander,"
"Acknowledged," Larkin replied as Conway stepped onto the
turbolift.
"You did not inform the Captain of the Beanians' other
transmission," Seral said from Ops, referring to the transmission
announcing the finder of the fifth Golden Bean.
"No," Larkin agreed, "Though I am an android, I do have emotions
and so must do what feels good sometimes,"
"See?" Baxter said, "I knew we could do it!
He smiled at J'Hana as he delivered his little victory speech,
"Now, I know my limitations: I'm not a perfect strategist and I can't
determine the molecular composition of a substance without reading an
operations manual, but part of being a good captain and a good leader is
knowing what your people are capable of. And in this case, I hit it right
on the mark!"
J'Hana said nothing.
"So, um, yeah. Thank you so much for your effort, J'Hana," he
plucked the small, shiny bean from her limp hand and winced, wiping blue
blood onto the bio-bed.
"I really don't think she can hear you," Richards said as he
surveyed the scratches, bites and gashes covering the Andorian security
officer. There was something strange, almost wrong about seeing her
lying so still and quiet, with only the rise and fall of her chest showing that
she was still alive. Of course, on the other hand, he'd spent more than his
share of time in Sickbay, thanks to J'Hana's unique skills. At least
this way he was safe for a while.
He also wouldn't be getting any action, he realized. The
realization that he couldn't decide whether he was relieved or
disappointed was just starting to really worry him when Baxter cut him
out of his reverie.
"Dr. Wilcox here say's she's going to be fine," Baxter assured her,
"Besides, she had a great time. See? She's smiling!"
Richards was pretty sure the goofy grin on J'Hana's face had more
to do with the drugs being pumped into her rather than anything Baxter
had said, but had to admit Baxter was right. J'Hana probably found the
battle with the feline aliens to be the highlight of the mission.
Act Two: Entry
Conway was on top of the world.
A state that, considering he was in the shuttlecraft Taurus high
above the planet Beanus 6, was probably more accurate than the original
creator of the expression would have expected.
Looking out the port window, Conway could see another shuttle
descending towards the planet. This one didn't have the same clean lines
as the Tarus did. The colour was a shade of brown best described as 'dirty
rust' and the shape was akin to a flying brick. The Klingon delegation
was on the way.
Out the starboard window a tan Cardassian craft was likewise
descending, the Beanians having refused to the lower the planetary shields
preventing anybody from beaming to or from the capitol city.
Taking a sip of fresh Beanian coffee, Conway signed in
contentment. Taking that bag of beans back to the Aerostar had sure been
the right thing to do. He could taste the delicate flavours, so perfectly
balanced, which made Beanian coffee famous. He hadn't even considered
adding cream or sugar; such a thing would be a violation of the highest
order.
"Ahem," Commander Larkin cleared her throat politely.
"Huh?" Conway started, pulled out of his reverie.
"I said," Larkin repeated, "We are approaching the Grand Coffee
Beanery,"
Setting his travel mug carefully aside, Conway looked out the front
window.
They were flying over the sprawling Beanian capitol, a city with a
population of 8 million, according the brochure that had been sent up
along with their winning instructions. Larkin brought them down near the
edge of the city, merging smoothly with the city's hover-traffic.
"You know," Ford said, "We could have flown right to the
Beanery. What's the point in fighting local traffic the whole way there?"
"This is why I am piloting this morning," Larkin replied crisply,
"By observing local customs and minimizing the impact of our presence,
we could be contributing greatly to the Beanians' first impression of us,"
"Some impression that'll be if we show up late," Ford grumbled.
"I have analyzed Beanian traffic patters," Larkin told him, "We
will arrive precisely 7.89 minutes early, which is the average preferred
arrival time for planets with predominantly human populations-"
"There it is," Conway said in awe.
Standing above the rest of the city was a broad plateau, upon
which was a huge structure. The central building had a somewhat
utilitarian look, being constructed of brick. Soaring windows ran along
one side while another had massive stacks belching white clouds into the
sky. Conway couldn't count how many smaller buildings were attached to
this one grand structure, but he thought there were a hell of a lot of them.
"The emissions appear to be steam," Larkin read from her display
panel, "I'm picking up traces of organic matter, probably coffee residue-"
"Larkin," Conway said softly, "Just shut up and look at it "
Larkin moved the shuttle carefully, avoiding the dozens of Beanian
craft that flew into, out of and around the Beanery.
As they watched a small freight hauler flew into an opening on one
side of the building while another flew out the other side. Both craft
moved sluggishly, as though bearing great weights.
Larkin suddenly pulled the Taurus into a rough dive, sending Ford
scrambling for handhelds while Conway gripped his precious mug of
coffee, falling to the deck and fighting to keep the mug from spilling.
"What the-" Conway started, catching the glimpse of a Starfleet
runabout through the side windows.
"We have been the victim of a flyby," Larkin said calmly, "They
missed us by 4.67 meters,"
"What the hell is Baxter doing here?" Conway snapped, watching
as the runabout came to a gentle landing near the Beanery gates.
"Baxter and the crew of the Explorer found the 5th Golden Bean,"
Larkin said, her small smile visible to nobody.
Conway's reply was not recorded.
Once they had landed, Conway marched over to where Baxter was
standing with Richards and Peterman.
"I don't want you here," Conway said simply.
"Aw, c'mon Dave," Baxter smiled, "It's been so long since we've
had a chance to work together! We've been looking forward to this,"
Peterman and Richards smiled innocently.
"This is MY mission, Baxter!" Conway said firmly, "Don't get in
my way!"
"Wouldn't dream of it," Baxter shot back, "We'll just sit back and
be ready to pick up the pieces once you're finished making an ass of
yourself,"
"We'll see who's picking up the pieces!" Conway snapped.
Standing nearby, Captain Kitan and Gul Deropens, flanked by their
respective crewmembers, exchanged a look.
"Humans," Kitan grunted, "Why does one not simply tear the
other's head off?" His First Officer, Commander Kub, nodded his
agreement.
"Perhaps they are engaged in an intricate power struggle,"
suggested Duropens, "A carefully laid out plan in which one will emerge
the victor and the other a humiliated hulk,"
Sub-Commander Zelars ignored the others, focusing instead on the
Beanery. This close, the building was even more impressive. Rather than
wasting her time with cross-species competition she was more concerned
with her real interest on this mission, the Beanians.
The brick construction of the Beanery betrayed the colonial nature
of Beanus. After all, brick was easy to obtain, easy to work with and
always readily available. Most likely, she decided, the Beanery had been
constructed in the early days of the Beanus 6 colony, before Beanian
coffee had come into such high demand. This was confirmed when she
noted the glass and duranium construction of some of the surrounding
buildings. Clearly, the Beanery had been expanded several times.
Tapping her scanner, she determined the newest buildings to be only 1
year old, while the Beanery's main building was closer to 200. The
obvious separation of the Beanery complex (parking it on a plateau) from
the rest of the city spoke of the importance the Beanery held to the
inhabitants of Beanus.
Pleased by her analysis, Zelars immediately began thinking of
ways to use her knowledge to her own advantage.
Now, she noted, the other contingents had huddled into their own
groups, tapping at scanners and whispering observations. Several steps
behind her, of course. Zelars gave a small smile. Her subordinates took
up positions to either side of her and the three of them proceeded to wait
patiently for their hosts.
"Arrogant jerk," Peterman grumbled, watching as Conway sipped
from his travel mug as Larkin tapped at her tricorder, "Can't be bothered
to do any of the work for himself, just goes walking right in, so sure he
knows what he's doing when he SO clearly doesn't!"
"Almost finished those scans?" Baxter asked Ricards. Both of
them were starting to sweat in the near-tropical heat.
"Yeah," Richards said, "Looks like-"
"Just give the really important stuff," Baxter interrupted.
Richards shrugged.
"This building has been here for a very long time, and I don't
know what's inside,"
"Good enough," Baxter shrugged.
Her scans finished, Larkin turned to regard the team from the
Explorer. Richards turned to chuckle at something Baxter had said,
bringing a pang of loneliness from Larkin's emotion program. She took
several steps in Richards' direction, ignoring the dirty look from Conway.
"Father," she said, "I hope you are well,"
"Kirsten!" Richards grinned, pulling the reluctant android into a
hug, "I was hoping I'd get a chance to see you!"
"I as well," Larkin replied, "It is unfortunate that this direct
competition will prevent us from socializing further,"
Richards' face fell.
"Well," he said, "It's not like your consorting w-"
"Larkin!" Conway snapped, "Get back here! Quit consorting with
the enemy!"
Richards crossed his arms and glared back at Conway.
"Not now, Chris," Baxter cut in, "We're trying to make a good
impression,"
"The Captain is correct, Father," Larkin said, turning to return to
her own group, "I look forward to our next reunion,"
"Bye," Richards mumbled, giving a weak wave.
"Is it time yet?" Conway asked.
"It will be the time indicated by the Beanians at the sound of the
tone," Larkin replied. She paused for a moment, then released an
electronic sounding 'beep'.
"Her boyfriend's never gonna need an alarm clock," Ford
chuckled.
There was a sound of heavy mechanical gears shifting into place,
then the huge front doors of the beanery started to slide open.
The 15 visitors watched in awe as the doors opened. Sub-
Commander Zelars and her two crewmen, Sars and Feduc. Captain Kitan
and his crewmen, Kub and K'Chek. Gul Duropens and his crewmen, Gan
Koyle and Glinn Terd. Conway, Larking and Ford. Baxter, Peterman and
Richards.
"Lots of people here," Ford mused, "That Klingon chick is sure
worth looking at,"
K'Chek's head snapped around, glaring at Ford. Ford gave her a
wink and a smile. K'Check let out a decidedly unfriendly growl and
shifted to give Ford a better view of the very sharp d'k tagh knife.
"She likes it rough," Ford smirked, blowing her a kiss.
K'Chek smiled back, pointing first to her knife, then to Ford's
crotch. Ford immediately looked away and paled.
"A little too rough?" Larkin inquired.
"Um, yeah,"
Conway, ignoring them, was fixated by the open doors. He
couldn't make out what was inside, the lighting was all wrong. But he
could see Timothy Sundollar the 2nd as he made his way down the steps.
Sundollar was a small man, dressed in a carefully tailored suit of
deep black. He wore no hat, but held a cane that looked like an oversized
replica of a cinnamon stick. A Golden Bean was pinned to his lapel and a
beaming smile was plastered on his face.
"Ladies and gentleman," he said, the stopped. Looked around.
Smiled again.
"Do we have any trans-gendered species here?" he asked, the
smile fading, "Species with more than 2 genders perhaps?" he looked
closely at the Cardassians.
"No," Gul Duropens said firmly.
"Oh," the smile returned, "Good. Ahem. Ladies and Gentleman!
The High Council of Baristas extends its warmest greetings. As their
representative, and the representative of the Beanian people, it gives me
great pleasure to welcome you to the Grand Coffee Beanery! Please,
follow me!"
"The Beanery was constructed over 200 years ago by the second
generation of colonists," Sundollar said loudly as he led the group up the
steps, "Shortly after it was discovered that Beanus 6 was particularly well-
suited to the growing of coffee beans,"
"And you of course expanded on your original construct as the
need arose," Sub-Commander Zelars said, nodding in understanding.
"Mr. Sundollar," Conway cut in, "On behalf of the United
Federation of Planets, I'd like to thank you for your invitation-"
"And over here," Sundollar went on, "Is our Grand Coffee
Beanery Coat-check. Please leave your coats, hats and any and all
weapons or scanning equipment here,"
"Your invitation to visit your world," Conway finished weakly.
Sundollar pretended he hadn't spoken and simply looked on
expectantly at the crowd of visitors.
None of them had coats or hats, on account of the warm weather,
but they reluctantly set their tricorders, scanners and sensor units down on
the shelf. The Klingon delegation also added several ceremonial blades to
the pile.
"Thank you," Sundollar replied. There was a hiss of hydraulics as
a heavy steel press came down, crushing the delegates equipment with a
crunch of crumpled metal and several sparks. The press lifted back to
reveal several flat chunks of metal.
"You p'tak!" Kitan snarled, "What foolishness is this? That was
my d'k tagh!"
"Our operation is quite confidential," Sundollar said with an
uneasy smile, backing away from the furious Klingon, "We really can't
permit any recordings or sensor readings to be taken from this location,
nor can we allow weapons of violence,"
"I will not forget this!" Kitan growled.
"You could have just asked," Baxter said
"Yes," Sundollar smiled, "I could have,"
He led them down a broad hallway that was as quiet as it was
large. The floor was a dark hardwood that gleamed with generations of
careful polishing. The wall paneling was plain, the support struts
functional rather than ostentatious. The overall effect though was one of
stately dignity, as opposed to pointless luxury.
Conway sipped from his travel mug, sighing in pleasure.
"Beanian Medium Roast," Timonthy Sundollar said pleasantly,
"Southern province, harvested this past season,"
Larkin raised an eyebrow.
"Fascinating," she said, "Sir, may I ask, do all Beaniuns share your
enhanced sense of smell?"
"Hmmm?" Sundollar looked around, "Did I hear a car? Anyway,"
he turned back to Conway, "Always a pleasure to meet a pleased
customer. I do suggest though that you take a deep breath. You may find
our first stop a bit overwhelming,"
They approached a wooden door, one of those doors with the tall
glass window in the center. This particular window though was frosted,
blocking anybody from seeing what was inside.
"Mr. Sundollar," Captain Kitan said, "What is the point of this?"
"The point?" Sundollar smiled politely.
"Why are we examining this place?" Kitan said, "Should we not be
checking the defensive capabilities? Surely such a successful
manufacturing plant is the target of," he threw a pointed look towards the
Cardassians, "industrial espionage?"
Sundollar said nothing, merely pushed open the door.
"Welcome," he said, "to the Caf‚,"
Conway felt his jaw drop as he took in the site of the room, the
huge room, filled with coffee of every conceivable kind. Small fields of
coffee lined the wall near the windows, the plump red cherries almost
ready for picking. A dark stream meandered through the room, from an
odd contraption at one end to a dark tunnel at the other, crossed by several
bridges of what looked like braided coffee vines. A light conveyor belt
ran up to the ceiling where a roasting oven had been setup; a crystal
ceiling amplifying the incoming sunlight and producing temperatures
perfect for roasting the beans.
"Of course," Sundollar was saying, "we have beans brought into
the Beanery from all over Beanus. But here is where we grow and roast
specialty flavours for our Elite line of beans,"
"I didn't know there was an Elite line," Conway said breathlessly.
"Then you're not an elite, I suppose," Sundollar mused.
A sudden hiss drew everybody's attention to the other end of the
Caf‚ where a huge, ornate filter was being filled with a literal downpour
of ground coffee. A spout jerked into place and released a spray of
steaming, boiling water. After a few moments a flow of coffee, dark as
volcanic glass, poured out the bottom and into the stream running through
the room, disappearing into a tunnel at the far end.
"I want to go swimming," Conway said softly.
"You would be horribly scalded," Larkin reminded him, "Likely
disfigured beyond recognition,"
"I don't care," Conway replied.
"What is the purpose of this device?" Duropens asked.
"The river of coffee?" Sundollar asked, "Why, this is where we
produce our pre-bottled coffee products. Chilled cappuchino, lattes,
mochachino and so forth. Further down the stream," he gestured,
"different flavourings are added and allowed to cool at a carefully
calculated rate for optimal flavour balance,"
"I lost my d'k tagh for a dirty puddle?" K'tan grumbled, "how
dishonorable,"
"What-" Sub-Commander Zelars started, then quickly cut herself
off.
"Yes?" Sundollar said, smiling, "Please, my lady, if there is any
question to wish to ask then my all means do so! I," he bowed gently,
"am here to serve!"
"It was nothing," Zelars said firmly.
In truth, she wasn't sure exactly what she had seen. Except she
was sure she didn't like it.
Sundollar let them spend some time exploring the Caf‚. Duropens
and his crewmen tried to engage him in conversation, but his non-
committal replies quickly drove them to join the rest in their wanderings.
Kitan, still upset over the loss of his weapon, growled as the moved
quickly past the Arabic beans growing in the Elite gardens. Baxter
crossed his arms, looking bored. After a few minutes of looking around,
he pulled Peterman in a copse of coconut trees. Conway, wondering
where he could find the coconut-flavored Beanian lattes continued to
move from place to place, gazing lovingly at his surroundings.
Sub-Commander Zelars and her crewmen moved through a patch
of what was labeled as Jamaican coffee plants. Without pausing, Zelars
snatched a single coffee cherry from the plant and continued on her way.
As she passed by one of the tall windows, she barely paid attention
to the ornate vines growing up the wall. Until, at least, one of them
reached out to grab her.
"AHHHHH!!"
Conway and his party leapt to their feet, abandoning the cozy
patch of meadow they'd claimed. Baxter and Peterman emerged, Baxter
whipping lipstick from his face. Duropens and Kitan looked non-
chalantly over to where Sub-Commander Zelars dangled by her ankles.
"What's happening?" Baxter demanded.
"That would be our anti-espionage system," Sundollar replied.
Before he could say anything else, Conway became aware of
music slowly increasing in volume. Everybody gasped as nearly two
dozen tiny men emerged seemingly from nowhere.
"What are THOSE?" Conway asked.
"Those?" Sundollar asked, "Why, those are the Venti-Lentis.
Cruel joke, I know. But they work here in the Beanery,"
"What are they doing?" Peterman asked.
"Well," Sundollar cleared his throat, looking embarrassed,
"They're big on musical theatre, if you get my meaning "
The Venti-Lentis arranged themselves around Zelars' dangling
form and raised their voices in song
Zelars, Zelars, the Romulan,
Was playing where she should not have been,
And now she dangles, come and look!
She's like a worm hanging from a hook!
What has she done? What was her crime?
Why must these songs so often rhyme?
You may think we're being cruel,
But spying here is never cool.
As the little men sang, the vines shook Zelars like a rag doll until a
small red cherry dropped from her pocket. Once it fell free, the vines
pulled back, pulling Zelars out of sight into the walls.
You see, you see! We've caught the thief!
But rest assured, justice shall be brief.
She won't be harmed, she won't be hurt,
She won't end her life buried in the dirt.
'So what?' you ask, 'So what?' you shout!
There was the muted sound of screaming as, outside of the
windows, a figure could be seen skidding across the ground.
She shall be firmly booted out!
Baxter and Conway looked at each other as Captain Kitan crossed
his arms.
"Musicals are DISGUSTING!" he snarled.
After rounding up the Cardassians, Sundollar led the group to a
boat floating serenely on the aromatic river.
"Best way to get a look at the place," Sundollar said, "Everything
we make here needs coffee flavouring," he looked seriously at Conway,
"Even the coffee!"
"Um, right," Conway said, taking a seat. Taking a sip from his
mug, he realized it was empty.
"Aw, f**k," he mumbled.
Next to him, Larkin stiffened.
"Captain Conway!" she whispered, "This is a high-profile
diplomatic mission! Such language is-"
"I'm out of Beanian coffee!" Conway complained, "Do you have
any idea how hard it is to get this-"
Sundollar plucked Conway's mug from his hand, dipped it in the
stream and handed the steaming brew back to him.
Conway looked blankly at Sundollar, Larkin and then back at the
mug.
"Thank you," he said sincerely.
"Anybody else?" he offered.
"I'll have some," Ford said. Peterman and Richards accepted as
well.
"I'm more of a tea guy," Baxter said. Duropens and Kitan
accepted warily, though their crewmen refused.
"Quite good," Gul Duropens said, though from the look on his face
he looked to be on the verge of gagging.
"This coffee," Kitan said, glancing at Conway "while flavourful, is
weak,"
"We have considered adding a Raktagino line," Sundollar said.
"The Empire would enjoy that," Kitan said diplomatically. He did
not finish his coffee.
As they spoke, the boat slipped into the tunnel, the coffee picking
up speed as it was channeled into the beanery. Up ahead, Conway could
see several tunnels branching off.
"Cappuccino, Mocha, Latte or Classic?" Sundollar asked.
"Classic," Conway replied at once.
"Any other takers?"
Duropens and Kitan said nothing, glaring at Conway.
Sundollar steered the boat into the largest tunnel.
"Our next stop is the Grinding Facility," Sundollar announced.
"I thought you did your grinding in the Caf‚," Conway said.
"For the Elite line," Sundollar said, "But we have huge amounts of
coffee to process,"
They left the boat moored in the river and stepped into the
Grinding Room.
"By Khaless," Kitan breathed.
Dozens of clear columns stretched from floor to ceiling. Halfway
up each tube was a pair of jagged blades, each the length of a humanoid
forearm and spinning at incredible speeds. Bursts of deep brown shot up
from the floor, catching in the blades long enough to be pulverized before
being whisked away out of sight.
Kitan moved right up to the nearest tube, pressing his eyes against
the clear surface like a kid looking in the window of a candy store. As he
watched, the blades pulverized another batch of beans to a find powder.
"The blades are magnificent," Kitan breathed. His gaze hardened
as he stalked balk to Sundollar, "I must have one!"
Sundollar looked blankly at the huge Klingon.
"No," he said.
"You destroyed my d'k tagh!" Kitan snarled, "I believe
compensation is in order!"
"Is it?" Sundollar asked, "I do believe our instructions included a
'no weapons' request,"
"A d'k tagh is not a weapon!" Kitan replied, "It is a ceremonial-"
"It is a very sharp blade used to cut people," Duropens cut in
scornfully, "Personally," he turned to Sundollar, "I think you were
perfectly justified in-"
"What a suck-up!" Baxter snickered.
Kitan stalked over to one of the tubes. Slapping a button, he
brought the spinning blades to a halt.
"Sir," Sundollar was worried, "I really must insist that you-"
"Argh!" Kitan snarled, sending Sundollar jumping back half a
step. Not knowing what else to do, Kitan's crewmen moved uneasily
towards their Captain.
Kitan pried open a hatch just above the blades and started to reach
in. Before he could get one though, there was a tremendous burst of
suction, pulling Kitan into the bean grinding tube where he skyrocketed
out of sight.
"Oh dear," Sundollar sighed, "I knew that was going to happen,"
"Um, is he going to be OK?" Peterman asked.
"Oh yes," Sundollar waved away her concerns, "We'll just have to
go send somebody to the bagging department to find him. I do hope he
likes the aroma of freshly ground coffee,"
Conway took one step towards the tube before Larkin pulled him
back.
"Oh, look!" Peterman said, "The adorable little men are going to
sing again!"
Klingon see! Klingon do!
Don't let him make a fool of you,
Kitan you see, was made a-jade,
Because we took away his blade.
We tried to warn, we tried to aid,
But in his heart his choice was made.
All for a knife, an object shiny,
(Though all day he's been quite whiney)
And now we'll find him, deep within,
A pile of grounds to bury his sin.
Before he smelled, before he stank,
Like the lowliest, ugliest skank,
But now we'll find his new aroma,
Smells like a sweet cup of coffee!
"Sometimes their rhyming isn't all that great," Sundollar said
apologetically.
"Why we haven't conquered humanity by now is really quite
beyond me," Duropens said sadly.
As Sundollar led them to the next section of the factory, the
Federation officers dropped back to speak quietly among themselves.
"Clearly," Larkin said, "The Beanians are attempting to put us into
positions where our baser instincts will push us to show ourselves in a
negative light,"
"You know Larkin," Baxter said, "Just because we don't have your
artificial intellect doesn't mean we can't figure SOME things out by
ourselves,"
"My apologies, Captain Baxter," Larkin said, "In the future I will
withhold my helpful advice,"
"Er, could you not?" Ford asked, "I mean, not that I don't have
faith in Captain Conway, splendid leader that he is," Baxter rolled his eyes
at this while Ford continued, "But I'm pretty sure we'd be dead by now
without the helpful advice,'
"Ignore him," Peterman said, "He's a little cranky,"
"Has anybody noticed how artistic this place is?" Richards
commented.
"Hmm?" Conway asked absently, sipping his coffee.
"The way they do things," Richards went on, "I mean, why have
big fancy vacuum driven tubes for grinding coffee? Or a coffee river. Or,
for that matter, why have this huge beanery? Wouldn't it make sense to
have several smaller processing plants around the planet?"
"Interesting observation," Larkin replied, "Indeed, crippling this
facility would cripple the entire Beanian economy,"
"Who cares?" Conway asked, "I mean, it's their planet, right?
Who cares what they do?"
"He's got a point," Ford said.
"Suckup," Peterman and Baxter muttered.
"Come, ladies and gentlemen!" Sundollar called, "There really is
so much to see. Our next stop, for example, is our Chocolate Facility.
"Chocolate?" Peterman asked, "Um, isn't that part of some
copyrighted movie?"
"I suppose," Sundollar shrugged, "But we're mixing it with coffee.
We've created some fantastic coffee creations using chocolate!"
"Mocha," Conway said at once, "Coffee Crisp. Not to mention
about a hundred varieties of frozen, blended coffee beverages,"
"Very correct, Mr. Conway!" Sundollar's grin froze for a moment,
then he looked around.
"Weren't there more of you before?" he asked.
"My first officer is missing!" Gul Duropens exclaimed, "Where
could he be? He must have, er, gotten lost,"
Conway immediately was at Sundollar's side.
"Don't trust him," Conway said, "He probably overheard us
talking about how the Beanery is the center of your economy. He sent his
goon to sabotage something!"
"Is this true, Gul?" Sundollar asked.
"Of course not," Duropens said, "I'm sure he's just, um, in the
men's room,"
"C'mon," Baxter said, pulling Richard's along with him, "Mr.
Sundollar, where's your power source?"
"Hmm? Sundollar asked, "Well, I do have this delightful power
tie-"
"He meant for the Beanery!" Richard's exclaimed, "Can't you see
it's your weak point?"
"As Federation representatives," Baxter said, "It's our duty to
protect you from people who might harm you, like him!" he pointed at
Duropens, then shrugged, "Or something like that,"
"I suppose," Sundollar shrugged, "The power supply is in Jamaica
sector, room 1-G. I can have a Venti-Lenti take you there,"
"Let's go!"
"Captain," Larkin said to Conway as a small Venti-Lenti led
Baxter, Peterman and Richards away, "Do you not think we should go
with them?"
"Naw," Conway replied, "Sundollar doesn't look worried.
Besides, I bet they already have their own security in place,"
"Anyway," Sundollar said, turning back to the double doors, "The
Chocolate Facility!"
The room, of course, was as splendid as any other. Vast quantities
of chocolate poured through what looked like miniature waterslides and
into mixing tubs where coffee was added.
"The coffee," Sundollar said, "Comes from the river, of course.
Here," he tapped a mixing barrel, "we're pre-bottling Beanian Mocha Mix
Blended Coffee. It's quite delicious,"
Conway noticed that several Venti-Lentis had gathered in the
room. As he watched, the drum beat began again.
"Um," he looked around, "What's up? Nobody suffered any kind
of accident here "
A Cardassian burst through the doors, escorted by a Venti-Lenti.
"Gul," he said, bowing to Duropens, "My apologies! I stopped to
use the waste-extraction facilities while you were in the Grinding Facility,
and the group must have left without me!"
Conway and Ford felt their jaws dropping.
"The Cardassian was telling the truth?" Ford exclaimed.
"Cardassians ALWAYS tell the truth!" Gul Duropens shot back,
indignantly.
"Actually," Larkin said, "There are 4 thousand, 6 hundred and
forty-two recorded instances of-"
"So where's Baxter?" Conway asked.
Sundollar only grinned as the Venti-Lenti's started to sing.
Gather one! Gather all!
For this is the saddest tale of all,
The great, the might Federation,
Must learn the ups of segregation,
'Just wait!' they said,
'Sit tight' they claimed,
'You may as well just go to bed,'
'We'll kill that bastard good and dead!'
But what they failed to realize,
They're not the ones who guard this prize,
You're on a tour, sit back, relax,
Chill out dude, right to the max!
For our Beanery, secure and strong,
Though it may sometimes ring like a gong,
Has been here for a long, long time,
And will be, till the final bell chime,
So get out, be gone,
Goodbye, so long,
We have no need for such as you,
To ourselves we shall stand true!
"I think what they're trying to say," Gul Duropens laughed, " is
'shut up and mind your own business'!"
"What happened to Captain Baxter," Larkin implied politely.
"Who cares?" Conway chuckled.
"I don't think this is their power supply," Baxter grumbled.
"What tipped you off?" Richards grunted.
"I'm not sure," Baxter replied, "It might be the trapdoor that
opened under our feet,"
"Or the long slide out the side of the building?" Peterman asked.
"Or," Richards pointed, "The fact that the Beanery has power lines
running down into the city and probably doesn't have a power source of
it's own?"
"Or that," Baxter sighed, leading them back to the front of the
building.
"OK," Conway said as Sundollar led them down yet another
elegant yet understated hallway, "Mr. Sundollar, I think we've figured out
what you're trying to do here!"
"Provide a tour?" Sundollar asked innocently.
"My database contains records of several Earth entertainment
phenomenon," Larkin stepped in, "Many of which have storylines, either
primary or parody, that closely resemble the situation you are putting us
in,"
"We know you're trying to weed out anybody you don't think
would be worthy of Beanian allegiance," Conway continued, "So can we
just drop the pretense and get on to whatever final test you have for us?"
Sundollar shrugged.
"If our esteemed Cardassian representative has no objections?" he
asked.
"None," Duropens replied, frowning at Conway.
"This way then," Sundollar said, walking in the exact same
direction he was before.
"Now the hard part," Ford whispered to Conway, "is to figure out
if he knew that we knew that he was testing us, or if we really caught him
off guard, or if we were on our way to the final test anyway,"
"Larkin," Conway gestured to Ford.
"Aye, sir," Larkin replied, smacking Ford upside the head.
"This is the Tasting Facility," Sundollar said.
The room was circular with three different levels, each one set
further out like the rows of a stadium. Arranged on each level was a ring
of stations, each one containing a different type of coffee cup, above
which was a spout. All the cups were different; some were paper, others
were ceramic while yet more were glass. The variety of shapes and sizes
made the room look as though somebody had on an insane home-shopping
spree.
"This room is where we ensure that each blend of Beanian coffee
meets only the highest of our quality requirements," Sundollar explained.
"But if they meet the highest, do they not also then meet the low-"
Larkin started before Conway elbowed her in the gut.
"So what is this test?" Duropens said, a dark look on his face.
"You must choose," Sundollar said, gesturing to the cups all
around the room, "One of these cups represents the true nature of Beanus.
Whomever finds that cup will secure our allegiance,"
"And if we choose the wrong one?" Conway asked.
"The consequences vary from cup to cup," Sundollar said, a look
of anticipation in his eyes, "Gul Duropens, would you care to go first?"
Duropens' eyes flicked from Conway to Sundollar, then to the
rings of coffee cups surrounding them.
"I believe I will allow my esteemed Federation counterpart have
that honor," Duropens said finally with an overly polite bow.
Conway blew out a breath and started wandering through the cups.
"Which one could it be?" he murmured aloud. His eyes wondered
over a dark, brown paper cup to a glass thing that looked more like a
chunk of coral reef.
"I doubt it would be paper," Larkin stated.
"Go for this one," Ford said, hefting a rather phallic-looking mug,
"I bet the ladies agree with me, right?"
Larkin raised an eyebrow. Ford looked around, realizing that aside
from Larkin there were no women in the room.
"Never mind," he muttered.
"It's this one," Conway said. He pointed at an elegant silver
coffee mug. The handle was a flat black, the mug thicker at the bottom
then at the top. It looked sturdy yet pleasing, without being too fancy.
Conway picked up the mug and took a sniff.
"Smells OK," he shrugged, taking a sip.
He looked over the Sundollar, who was shaking his head sadly.
Suddenly there was a sharp pain in Conway's gut, sending him
clutching for his stomach. As he gripped the cloth of his shirt, part of him
realized the cloth was too loose even as Larkin gasped.
"He's shrinking!" she said.
"Yes," Sundollar sighed, "Not a very good choice,"
"What's happening to me?" Conway cried.
"Well," Sundollar replied, "Our Venti-Lenti's have to come from
somewhere, you know," he forced a smile back on his face, "Would you
care to choose now, Gul Duropens?"
Baxter and his team sat at the steps to the Beanery.
"That one looks like a hippo," Peterman said, pointing up at a
cloud, "And over there is an emu,"
"That one looks like a warp plasma manifold," Richards added,
pointing at a cloud of his own,"
"It does?" Baxter asked.
"Well, no," Richards admitted. He sighed, "I'm just that bored."
The doors to the Beanery slammed open as Gul Duropens and his
officers stormed out.
"You can have this stupid planet," he snapped, passing Baxter and
leading his group to his shuttle.
Gesturing to the others to follow him, Baxter slipped in the open
Beanery door.
A Venti-Lenti was already waiting to lead him to the Tasting
Facility.
"Good God!" Richards exclaimed as the trio entered the room.
"Shut up and help me!" Conway squeaked. He'd already shrunk
two feet and was still slowing reducing in size as they watched, "Help!"
"What happened?" Baxter demanded.
Sundollar shrugged.
"He drank a cup of coffee he shouldn't have and now he's turning
into a Venti-Lenti. The process is quite painless and can be reversed if we
so desire," he smiled at Baxter, "If I may provide any additional
information, please do not hesitate to let me know!"
"Can you change him back?" Baxter asked.
"Of course," Sundollar replied, "Didn't I just said we could?"
"I," Baxter paused, "Oh. You did. Well, do it!"
"Are you sure?" Sundollar asked, "Of course, on the surface it may
seem like a good idea to have your officer back, but have you thought
about the alternative?"
"Yes," Peterman muttered, "I like it,"
"No," Baxter said slowly.
"Don't you think he would be happy here as a Venti-Lenti, living
in the Beanery and spending the rest of his life making the most perfect
coffee in the galaxy?" Sundollar asked, "Don't you think that would be a
dream come true?"
"All my life, you say?" Conway asked before Baxter could answer.
"All your life," Sundollar confirmed.
"Am I going to die in two weeks?" Conways asked suspiciously,
"How long do Venti-Lentis live?"
"Same as a human lifespan," Sundollar said, "And we have an
excellent benefits package,"
"Hmmm," Conway looked thoughtful.
Sundollar looked at Baxter.
Biting his lip, Baxter weighed his options. He could be rid of
Conway for good, and Conway would probably be happy about it.
"Actually," Baxter said slowly, "I don't think I'm the one you
should be asking," he nodded at Conway, "Ask him,"
"Ask me?" Conway was surprised.
Sundollar smiled.
"I'm so very glad to see our little song taught you something," he
said, "Why don't you have a nice cup of coffee while your friend here
makes his decision?"
"Uh, OK," Baxter shrugged and started wandering the various
mugs.
"So, David," Sundollar asked Conway eagerly, "What do you
think?"
Conway looked at Sundollar, then over to where Larkin and Ford
were standing. Was it that simple? Give up the difficult and lonely life of
a starship captain to enjoy perfect coffee for the rest of his life? Beanian
coffee, while affordable, was still rare and even he had troubles getting his
hands on. To enjoy that perfect brew forever would be like dying and
going to heaven.
"Change me back," he said.
"Really?" Sundollar jerked back slightly, "Why?"
"Because Beanian coffee is the best there is," Conway said firmly,
"It's something to be treasured and savored. If I live here, I'll have
nothing to reach for. I might love it for a while, but without the crappy
coffee the rest of the galaxy gets, I won't really be able to enjoy a good
cup of Beanian roast,"
"You've made an excellent choice," Sundollar said, handing
Conway a cup. Conway drank it and immediately began to increase in
size, "I'm so very pleased to see that you have such excellent strength in
character,"
"So does that mean that because of my great moral character,
Beanus is going to join the Federation?" Conway asked.
"No," Sundollar said, "You still picked the wrong cup. I'm sorry
David, but you've failed to convince me that the Federation is the place
for Beanus,"
"Hey," Baxter interrupted, a Styrofoam cup in one hand, "This
stuff is pretty good,"
"That is why we will join the Federation," Sundollar said warmly,
"Captain Baxter, congratulations! You have found the true coffee cup of
Beanus!"
"What, that thing?" Conway demanded.
"Yes", Sundollar said, taking the Styrofoam cup, "You see, Beanus
owes its success to the regular working Joes, those people that drank cup
after cup of dark, fragrant coffee. And what better way to respect our
heritage then with the traditional, time honored Styrofoam coffee cup?"
"I've had enough of this weird planet," Peterman grumbled.
Captain's Log, Supplemental,
"Having completed our mission to Beanus we're ready to get
underway. A Federation Ambassador will be arriving shortly to begin
negotiations with Beanus for Federation membership. Can't say I envy
him."
"Well, that was a weird day," Baxter sighed as he and Peterman
returned to their quarters.
"Which part?" Peterman asked, "The dancing midgets or the
coffee fixation?"
"All of it," Baxter said.
"Well, I don't get the whole big deal over that place," Peterman
went on, "And I don't think Mr. Sundollar is very healthy,
psychologically."
"Why don't you offer him counseling sessions?" Baxter asked.
"Please," Peterman sniffed, "I have enough of a case load already.
So I gave him the number for 'The Vonna Show'. Let that two-bit quack
deal with him,"
"Uh-huh,"" Baxter replied, half paying attention. It was time for
something he was aching for, something he'd wanted to do since he,
Richards and Peterman first rode the runabout down to Beanus:
"Computer," Baxter said to the computer, "Tea, Orange Peakoe.
Hot!"
Conway sat in The Starlight Lounge, looking down at his hot
chocolate. Somehow, he just couldn't bring himself to order coffee, even
now that the ships replicators were back online.
"Captain," Larkin said, "What a coincidence seeing you here,"
"Uh-huh," Conway muttered, "I'm sure your tracking systems
picked me up the minute you entered the room,"
"Of course," Larkin replied, "I was trying to engage you by
conversation by pretending to be surprised to see you,"
"Who-hoo," Conway replied.
"Do you wish to talk about what happened on Beanus?" Larkin
asked.
"No," Conway snapped.
"Very well," Larkin started to rise.
"It's like this," Conway started, ignoring her attempt to leave, "I
know I was right by leaving Beanus. I know that if I stayed there too
long, the coffee wouldn't matter anymore. Like air, or water,"
"Air and water matter a great deal to carbon-based lifeforms,"
Larkin said.
"But we don't enjoy them," Conway said, "We need them, but we
don't enjoy them. And staying there would have made coffee no
different,"
"Then why are you upset?"
"Because Baxter won! Why else?" Conway shouted, "I made a
careful, thoughtful decision and lost, and that idiot stumbled in, grabbed
something at random and won! It's not FAIR!"
"Life is not fair," Larking replied, employing her 'Ambiguous
Responses To Questions To Which Honest Answers Are Likely To Cause
Hostility' database, "But you may want to remember that Sundollar was
very impressed with your character. Is that not good enough?"
"No, it's not," Conway fumed, "But mark my words, one of these
days the tables are going to turn. And Baxter will see that I'm a better
Captain that he could ever be," Conway's eyes narrowed, "With you as
my witness, I vow that-"
"Anybody want some coffee?" Crewman Brown interrupted,
oblivious to the conversation.
"Hey, yeah!" Conway exclaimed, pushing his hot chocolate away,
"Right here please!"
End.
Dedicated to the staff of the my favorite Toronto Starbucks, without
whom I wouldn't get anywhere near as much writing done as I do.
NEXT:
Romance is in the air as the Explorer discovers an ancient space object
and the Explorer crew discovers that some secrets are best kept, well,
secret. How will Lt. Commander Tilleran cope with the news that J'hana
may no longer be single? Will Plato win Cadet Sparks away from Lt. Sefelt?
Time will tell. Then again, so will the story!