For those of you who may not know, I’m pretty much like Scott Bakula from Quantum Leap (and I swear that any day now I’ll stop referring to that show in my punch line arsenal)… I’m bound and determined to fix the world.

Is there anything more amusing that the sordid and desperate ramblings found only in Missed Connections? Hmm… Dustin Pot Pie doing karaoke. Sue Sylvester from Glee. That might be it. Accordingly, I’ve decided to grace these Craigslist posters with my insightful—albeit unsolicited—advice.

After Hours TMC – Sat. Nite – m4mhttp://dallas.craigslist.org/dal/mis/1731948565.htmlReally like how forward you were. Not shy at all. I helped you find your vehicle in the rain. You drove me to my car. Regreting I didn’t get your contact information. Tell me about your vehicle make and model? Where was I parked and what did we do when we got there?

I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that you either shared an awkward moment of silence; or, more realistically, you folded down the backseat and created your own version of Air Supply’s “Making Love Out of Nothing At All”. If he was so drunk that he couldn’t find his car on his own—gotta love that commitment to excellence—he’s not going to find your ad on Craigslist. Unless he’s one of my drunk FaceBook friends.

S4 Dance Floor Friday night – m4mhttp://dallas.craigslist.org/dal/mis/1731314774.html Your were dancing with four of your friends and you and another was wearing a vest (But you were the one in a dark shirt with the vest). You were wearing i think black jeans/courderroids with white nike hitops..with a nice ass.. We dance for awhile back to back and i touch you ass couple of times.. love to meet you and hang out…

Hold up. Friday? S4? Wearing a vest?? This guy might actually be referring to me and my besties on the dance floor!! This. is. priceless. Before you mourn over what probably would have been a cross between “Bad Romance” and “I Will Always Love You”, realize that there is no such thing as a Missed Connection at S4. You either went home with them, or you didn’t. And they definitely weren’t corduroy pants.

Let me start this by pointing out the obvious: he was with his mom. That’s usually a good indication that he is either underage, has no money, or has no friends. And you want to find him?? And you expect us to believe that you’ve never tried to hook up with a stranger online before?? You have a better chance of being called pretty by a talking pink sparkly unicorn.

Guy in the Red Ford Ranger – m4mhttp://dallas.craigslist.org/dal/mis/1731439294.htmlFriday you cruised up and down Bowser close to the Hidden Door. You and I spoke, for a short time, you said I was HOT. What color tank was I wearing? We should meet again, and you should come prepared. BEAR on the balcony. PS: I liked the mustache and the goatee….

I am quickly losing faith in humanity. Your tank top was a dark shade of failure. And if he had been interested, he would have told you to hop in and come home before his lesbian roommate realizes he took her truck.

All of these people have a few things in common:

None of them are getting laid tonight.

Do these people not bother getting phone numbers, or FaceBooks? If he’s cute, introduce yourself. Get his name!

None of them has any initiative. Seriously, try something original if you want to give a guy your phone number. Ex: “If you wanna call me sometime, my phone number is written on the bathroom wall.”

If you think you might want to hook up with them later, seize the moment and do something about it. Craigslist isn’t a time machine and your best chance at a happy ending on Craigslist is rubbing… a lamp.

This has been Ty Pressley, fixing Craigslist. Tune in next week when I fix healthcare or some other social disaster.