Yes that shameful headline is intended to maximize hits by luring in some possibly pervy Google searchers. Sadly, such is the lot of Canadian soccer: we have to garner interest any way we can. No slight at all is intended to the wonderful gals of our Women’s national team. Quite the opposite, in fact.

Tonight marks the kickoff, literally, of the Canadian women’s quest for simultaneous Gold Cup glory and a berth in the 2011 Women’s World Cup. And it’s our duty as soccer-loving Canucks to support them, if not by shooting on down to Cancun (as if we actually needed more reason to go to Cancun on a blustery October day), then at least by watching them play. Continue reading →

Those who follow the Canadian Men’s national team in times like these – ie. with games that matter at least two years away – are energetically debating the various pros and cons of Canada’s best footballer returning home to play for TFC.

The loose consensus seems to be that for Julian de Guzman to leave Europe at this stage of his career (he’s 28) to play in the MLS is a step down in terms of competitive playing time week in week out, and thus a bad situation for the Canada team.

But this line of argument, while valid, fails to account one for important problem with Canada’s best footballer: most Canadians have no idea who he is.

I knew that Mexicans and Central Americans care about the Gold Cup. And I knew that the tiny fraction of Canadians and Americans that are aware of its existence generally consider it a laughing stock. But I was shocked to discover that in the week of July 6th, the Gold Cup match between Mexico and Panama was the sixth-most watched prime time program in the United States of America.

As suggested by a certain BigSoccer lover, the result of one Gold Cup semifinal last night did indeed make me happy — well, if “happy” is a suitable syncopation of the phrase “less likely to wander heedlessly into traffic to let come what may”.

The game in question was, of course, the American B-team’s thorough dismantling of the Honduran B-team. The 2-0 scoreline, with the goals coming just before the halftime and fulltime whistles, doesn’t quite express the degree to which those dirty, flopping shitbags were defeated by the Yanks. Hell, they barely even got a chance to dive, having so little possession of the ball (yet they still couldn’t get the “feign injuries to waste time” out of their system, even if it was hurting their chances of a comeback).

Since there’s no third place game, it means the Hondurans leave the Gold Cup with exactly the same as us: sweet fuck-all. (Well, except the triple-value FIFA points they picked up by beating us in the QF, but hey, what long-term impact could those possibly have, right?) Yet, watching last night’s game (and the degree to which Honduras fucking sucked) makes me almost lapse into post-match melancholy again, dreaming about what may have been. Continue reading →

Inches. Had Kevin McKenna’s late header pinged the other way off the post what would I be writing about? The frustration of losing to Honduras on penalties? Ultimately, Canada played well but couldn’t break down the Honduran B-team. Yes, Canada suffered another controversial call, but a lot of teams suffer controversial calls and find ways to win.

If I may get personal for a moment (and I’m granting myself the authority to do so): I haven’t had a very good go of things in the last 12 months. In that time, I’ve lost a steady job, a year-long relationship and one of my oldest friends. Sandwiched in there, you’ve also got Canada’s disastrous run in World Cup qualifying. For a time, as all else around me seemed to be falling to pieces, my brain somehow latched onto the men’s national team as an emotional panacea: yes, I realize that attaching one’s mental well-being to the fortunes of Canadian soccer makes about as much sense as taking heroin to cure the sniffles. Don’t ask me to explain how the human mind functions. Continue reading →

In the interest of full disclosure, I should say that I’m not reporting from Columbus — I’m in my usual newsroom (that is, my living room, with no pants on), having shuffled back into town about a half hour ago after a frenetic 36-hour whirlwind of footie, beer and international intrigue. I’m exhaustedly delirious and various bodily organs are in pain for various reasons, but I’m gonna give a recap anyway.

To do away with the “just the facts” stuff (even though you probably already know it): Canada beat El Salvador 1-0 in a Gold Cup matchup at Crew Stadium in Columbus, Ohio last night. Despite the slim 1-0 margin of victory, the Canucks solidly controlled the possession and flow for most of the game, anchored by a trio of brilliant performances by midfielders Atiba Hutchinson, Julian de Guzman and Patrice Bernier. The win pretty much guarantees us a spot in the quarterfinals, depending on the outcome of our final group stage game on Friday against Costa Rica.

Okay, now it’s time for some of what they refer to in the newspaper biz as “colour”… Continue reading →