Luciano: To flush or not to flush?

Wednesday

Feb 12, 2014 at 4:18 PMFeb 12, 2014 at 4:40 PM

Phil Luciano Journal Star columnist @lucianophil

GERMANTOWN HILLS — What's with all the delicate derrieres in Germantown Hills?

Apparently, folks hereabouts are cursed with fantastically fragile fannies. That's about the only reason I can conjure to explain this news oddity: residents are using so many flushable wipes — wipe after wipe after wipe — that the municipal wastewater plant is getting clogged up and breaking down. As reported in this paper recently, it's so bad that the village is desperately pleading with residents to stop flushing wipes down the toilet.

What a weird scenario. It's almost like an urban legend. In New York City, sewers are allegedly filled with alligators. In Germantown Hills, it's flushable wipes — but here the nightmare is all-too real.

What's the problem? A manufacturer's package of wipes might say "flushable." But you can't believe everything you read on a product label. For example, the unwitting or simple might think that "light beer" is, indeed, beer — and that's just silly.

Anyhoo, these wipes are indeed flushable in that they'll disappear down a swirling loo. But from that point, they don't break down like toilet paper as they flow through a sewer plant. In Germantown Hills, wipes gum up the pumps.

Actually, from what I've read, this sort of malfunction has happened in some other towns nationwide. But I've not heard of similar complaints in central Illinois. There's been no massive wipe-related turmoil except for Germantown Hills, which has become swept away in a flushable-wipe frenzy.

Why? I'm not sure, even though I live on the fringe of Wipe-A-Palooza. I reside about a quarter-mile outside town, but I might as well be living in 1814: my abode's commode flushes into a septic system. I know a quarter of people live with such systems, but to me it's kind of strange to host a fecal underground waterpark. But at least I can say I don't feed into the sewer system woes.

Still, though I never envisioned the need to write something like this — I'm a fan of toilet paper. Well, "fan" might be too strong a word; it's not like I wear a jacket with "Charmin" on the back or anything like that. Still, as the flushable-wipe controversy explodes, each person will have to chose a side and be counted. And count me as a toilet-paper guy.

Look, maybe I'm missing something by not using flushable wipes. And maybe I'm not part of the "cool" crowd. But for me, TP is OK.

Mind you, I'm no zealot: I'm not anti-wipe. You like wipes? You need that reassurance? That touch of aloe? That scent of citrus? Hey, it's America, bro: I support your choice. Be as fresh as you wanna be.

And it's not as if the village has drawn bathroom battle lines. There's no call for a flushable-wipe ban. After all, if you outlaw wipes, only outlaws will have wipes. Imagine the terrifying black-market possibilities. Trust me, Germantown Hills doesn't want ne'er-do-wells slipping into town, selling illegal wipes out of the trunks of their cars, or trafficking illicit wipes on street corners to schoolkids. It's just not worth it.

So, via sewer bills, the village is simply urging residents to help eliminate woes from wipes. As the public works director said to this newspaper: "We don't tell people, 'Don't use them.' But we just don't want them flushed down into our system."

Or course, that would mean throwing wipes away otherwise. Ick. There's a reason why we don't toss used toilet paper into the trash, right?

So maybe that explains why residents won't kick the habit. Onward they wipe, onward they flush.

Still, you gotta wonder: why is Germantown Hills so enthralled with wipes? Though I live nearby, I have no insight to all this mega-wiping. You don't hear people brag about their wiping habits anywhere around these parts, not even Spring Bay. Either because of demure politeness or hidden shame, the deed is done in utmost secrecy.

And for all we know, maybe all this wild wiping might be prompted by a rare medical condition. Or maybe there's a dietary anomaly. Or maybe with no high school football games to watch this time of year, there's nothing better to do.

In the end, the surrounding community should offer support and understanding. For whatever reason, Germantown Hills has touchy tushes. Respect that, people.

And if I were a bidet salesman, I'd know just where to start knocking on doors.

PHIL LUCIANO is a Journal Star columnist. He can be reached at pluciano@pjstar.com, facebook.com/philluciano, 686-3155 or (800) 225- 5757, Ext. 3155. Follow him on Twitter @LucianoPhil.