Forgiveness for a Cheating Ex-Girlfriend?

Hi everyone - I have a bit of a unique situation which I've been unable to find advice on websites so I am seeking it out here. I was dating a girl for about four years and we lived together for three of those years. This was during our mid-20s and we are now both in our late-20s. At the time, we occasionally attended a Christian church but were not believers and were living very worldly and sinful lives. The relationship was extremely toxic with arguments occurring daily, extreme emotional outbursts and abuse by her, pornography usage by myself, excessive alcohol abuse by us both, etc. It finally ended when she befriended some Christian girls who encouraged her to admit to me that she had been sleeping with multiple men over the course of almost two years that we lived together. Three of the men were coworkers and/or clients (some of which are married men). These encounters would occur when she was traveling out of town for work. Most of these encounters were one night stands; however, with one of her coworkers she maintained a mental and emotional relationship for over a year (he also had a girlfriend). She went to great lengths to hide her betrayals from me and I didn't have the slightest clue that any of this was going on. I later found out that this wasn't uncommon for her as her previous relationship of over four years also ended due to her cheating.

The breakup affected us both greatly but it actually did a wonderful thing. At the time of the breakup I was living in another city and found my way into an amazing church. I got involved in community and began to understand that sin is what has caused all the destruction in my life. After a few months, I reached out to my ex in order to discuss what happened and find forgiveness. I was pleased to find out that those same group of Christian girls invited her into community and were helping her fight against her own struggles with sin. After seeing the change in her heart and what God has done for her, I decided that I would continue our communication in order to fully find forgiveness. It's been over a year since our breakup and she has grown into one of the most Godly women I have ever met. She spends time in the Word daily, has become extremely knowledgable and wise in the gospel, has been baptized, serves in multiple areas at her church, has surrounded herself by community, and puts God first in each and every decision she makes. It has been a complete 180 degree change from the woman I knew only 18 months ago and is such a strong testament to God's power.

We both still very much care for each other and have been attempting to remedy our relationship, even going as far as being "exclusive" again until we figure things out. Our new relationship has been fantastic, it has been God centered and selfless. We spend time each day praying together and reading together. We push each other to be better Christians and we have gotten rid of our worldly sin. It has helped me find forgiveness for her; however, even with these changes I still struggle with issues of trust. These issues reside from the fact that she still works at the same job and spends 40+ hours per week sitting only feet away from the men she had physical relationships and used to maliciously lie to me for years. Since the day we started talking again almost a year ago, I told her that I would never be back in a relationship with her while she was employed at the same job. She doesn't want to leave her job and doesn't understand why this is such an issue for me. It took several months but she reluctantly agreed to begin a job search. I have to twist her arm to apply for jobs so it is no surprise that almost a year later she still doesn't have a new job and has now declared that it must be God's plan for her to stay at her current job. She has stated that me being uncomfortable with the situation is indicative of me not fully trusting in Christ.

We spoke earlier in the week and she has declared that she has no intention to look for another job, at least within the next 3-6 months. She states that she is trying to come to terms with God's sovereignty and is trying to not allow our relationship to become an idol for her. She expects for God to provide and basically for a job to fall from the sky if that is what He desires for her. I am months away from my 30th birthday and can't help but feel that I have just wasted another year with her. I'll admit this is coming from jealousy of others my age being married with children, and my anger towards her for stealing years of my life away. I told her that I would not wait any longer if she is not actively attempting to obtain another job as this entire situation is extremely painful for me. I've spent the last year attempting to find forgiveness for her and yet she refuses to send in a couple job applications.

We have decided to stop speaking since this situation is causing me so much anger and pain. We are optimistic that God will bring us back together but considering we are living in separate cities and she has no intention of leaving her job, realistically there is a zero percent chance of this happening.

I wanted to get some second opinions on this situation as her and I are clearly not seeing eye-to-eye. Am I not handling this situation in a loving and Christian manner? Should I continue to be patient despite her lack of desire to leave her job? Or am I being foolish for allowing this situation to continue for so long? If we can work things out I have full intention to marry her; however, I'm starting to doubt that is a wise decision if she lacks the empathy and desire to remedy this situation.

Re: Forgiveness for a Cheating Ex-Girlfriend?

Re: Forgiveness for a Cheating Ex-Girlfriend?

I was just recently able to forgive my exhusband of 20 years...since our separation and dissolution 7 years ago...he was forgiven many times for cheating during our marriage. Even if he found the Lord, I honestly dont know if I could ever trust him again. I just dont think I could bear that kind of pain anymore. Not from anyone.
You do have a tough situation...but you came to a good place for some different opinions and advice. Prayers.

Re: Forgiveness for a Cheating Ex-Girlfriend?

Originally Posted by Lighthearted

What does God say? Have you talked to your Pastor?

My church's stance on dating is that it should be very casual in the sense that it should have very little commitment involved. They want us to date for a few months and if it doesn't work out, end it and move onto the next. I've spoken with men in my community group and they say that I should forgive her but after our history we should never date or speak again. Although that is much easier said than done after having spent five years with someone...

Re: Forgiveness for a Cheating Ex-Girlfriend?

Texas2010,
they say that 'love is blind', but if she is unable to show any empathy nor compassion for the pain it causes you to know that she is spending so many hours with men that she has been intimate with - that might be a RED FLAG that your spidey sense for 'questionable trust' is trying to tell you something...
Unfortunately, unless she has had professional help with her transformation - I'm afraid that you might be dealing with a master manipulator... The fact that her friends had to convince her to tell you the truth is telling...
The fact that she could tell you the truth and somehow find a means to keep you without having to make any real sacrifices is also telling...
With the limited information provided - I'm not sure that she has actually demonstrated any actual remorseful change in her behavior - or if left to her own devices if she genuinely thinks that it is necessary for her to have to make any sacrifices for you - if you are willing to allow her to continue to manipulate your trust.
Danger Will Robinson - Danger...

Re: Forgiveness for a Cheating Ex-Girlfriend?

Hi Texas. I'm sorry you are going through this, brother. Personally, I think she isn't being very considerate of your feelings. I can only imagine how that feels. Maybe you could tell her to put herself in your shoes. If the tables were turned, would she be happy if you were working with girls you cheated on her with? I highly doubt it.

If she still doesn't budge, move on. She needs to understand that you are hurt and she should be willing to do as much as possible to save the relationship. It seems like she cares more about her job than you. But I could be wrong. Try talking to her, praying about it, and leave it at the cross. His will is perfect...so pray for that. I hope things turn out well.

Re: Forgiveness for a Cheating Ex-Girlfriend?

Originally Posted by Solemateleft

The fact that her friends had to convince her to tell you the truth is telling...
The fact that she could tell you the truth and somehow find a means to keep you without having to make any real sacrifices is also telling...
With the limited information provided - I'm not sure that she has actually demonstrated any actual remorseful change in her behavior - or if left to her own devices if she genuinely thinks that it is necessary for her to have to make any sacrifices for you

To add some clarification on this, she was not yet a believer when her friends convinced her to confess. The confession sort of marked the beginning of her journey as she felt she needed to be free of that guilt in order to move forward.

I'll admit that she has shown a lot of sacrifice and remorse in that she has completely changed the way she lives her life, she has cut off relationships to friends that were bad influences, she doesn't go to company parties or happy hours, or even socialize with non-Christians. She didn't necessarily do all of that for me but I do believe she feels that those sacrifices should be enough that she shouldn't have to change jobs.

Re: Forgiveness for a Cheating Ex-Girlfriend?

Maybe you could tell her to put herself in your shoes. If the tables were turned, would she be happy if you were working with girls you cheated on her with? I highly doubt it.

If I had a nickel for every time I've used that line... Her response is basically, "If I knew that he fully loved Christ with all his heart then I would have nothing to be worried or jealous about." She also tries to make it seem as though this is an issue of pride that I'm struggling with. In which case I'd agree that it is a pride issue but its an issue that I'd struggle a whole lot less with if she just got a new job...

Re: Forgiveness for a Cheating Ex-Girlfriend?

Hello Texas, welcome to CC! I hope you enjoy your time with us

I think both of you have learned and grown quite a lot in the last little while, but it does not sound like she really wants to sacrifice any more for you, and it concerns me too that you say she stole years of your life when you gave them to her. Otherwise, I think you have both made tremendous progress, all things considered. God bless you both ❤

Re: Forgiveness for a Cheating Ex-Girlfriend?

Texas, I can absolutely appreciate your struggle...
So 12-18 months ago a master manipulator, deceiver and cheater happens to find an amazing church and proclaims that she has been saved.
What life changing event brought her to her knees to seek forgiveness from the lord and put her on a journey to change her ways?
Was it because the boyfriend who she had been so cleverly deceiving and cheating on for 2 years (to include an emotional/physical relationship with a co-worker on travel) broke up with her, or because she got caught?
Google and read this article titled "The Woman Having an Affair During Happy Hour" that was posted only 3 days ago - for a reality check - regarding a master manipulator...

What kind of job does she have? Is she still traveling? Is not her job/skills transferable to another branch, location, company etc?
The proof is in the pudding - if she loves you and has empathy for your pain/hurt than she should be willing to at least transfer... How else can she prove herself worthy of your trust and love?

I pray for you for the best, and pray for the happy ending, but since you have come to a forum filled with folks who have tons of life lessons and experiences - I just want to ensure that you do not still have your blinders on...

Re: Forgiveness for a Cheating Ex-Girlfriend?

it looks like to paths that had never come together the first mistake was living to geather the second mistake was purely flesh this has destroyed the desire for body intamisy not soul but it all seems to be comming bck with vengence you may cary in your heart evil suspision she fuels this by showing you no epathy and working with fleshly men who you do not shear your veiws in love and boundries for if she cares for u your showin an open heart she is showing you cloed heart she may have changed and we hope for the best as we desire for you there are favorites in god just grace and mercy seems old flames still flame digg it to god stand undsr his alta you will see the hay wood and stable if it is not pure gold

Re: Forgiveness for a Cheating Ex-Girlfriend?

I didn't read everyones response here so I'm sorry if I'm echoing what someone said. If you ask me, the issue is with you more so than her. God implemented a covenant with Abraham basically stating that he would never leave Abrahams side. This same covenant exists with his people today, God promised to love unconditionally , to respect us (not lead us to sin), to honour us, cherish us, lend his strength to our weakness, lead us, to always put us first, faithfulness, etc. These are things we are told to implement with others in our lives, and you aren't practicing those things with this girl. In your story I saw selfishness, and conditional love (you not trusting her and forcing a decision on her, then leaving her when she wouldnt do as you asked.) If you want to do things right, there needs to be 100% selflessness on both sides. Meaning you asked her to find a new job as it bothered you where she's at now, but if her job is Important to her, you need to be selfless enough and exercise unconditional love enough to be OK with her working that job. In my opinion there is still toxicity in your relationship as long as you don't trust her. You said yourself she's changed and become a woman of god, so you need to give her a fresh start and trust that she is actually a woman of god and wouldn't do this to you again. Ultimately however, I think you both need to pray hard on this and wait on god to answer you (he always answers when we talk to him.) Ask him where your heart is at, ask him to show you how to fix problems between you guys and ask him to lead your relationship. If god tells you that you aren't ready, that you two aren't supposed to be, or that he will lead you two together then trust god and let him lead. If he leads her to keep her job, don't stand in the way and exercise real forgiveness by accepting that and trusting her completely

Re: Forgiveness for a Cheating Ex-Girlfriend?

Texas2010

I believe I can fully relate to where you are coming from. I was also in this kind of relationship with someone who in all honesty, couldn't find it in her heart to forgive me, because I was the one who went behind her back. I know I was a lost soul at the time. But when I found Christ, my heart changed, and my desires changed. I still loved her and was willing to do anything and everything to have our relationship work out. But it wasn't meant to work out, as the Lord had other plans for me and for her. It's hard letting go because we feel that's what God wants for us, but in reality, is this really what he wants for us as his children? It sounds like regardless, you're going to have trust issues with her and that you're going to spend a good bit of time in heart break and questioning her every more. God doesn't want that for you brother, not one single bit. You could try and put your faith and trust fully back in her corner again, but it's extremely tough to do.

I suggest that you take the time and pray about it, truly give it over to the Lord and be patient and see what he has in store for you. Don't be afraid to talk to her about things, but definitely take it in stride. This is very delicate. But above all, make sure Christ is at the forefront, and let HER see that Christ is your shepherd and that you live for Him daily, that's the most attractive a man OR woman can display in this walk of life, hands down.

Re: Forgiveness for a Cheating Ex-Girlfriend?

Since you were not married when the cheating occurred I would not consider that the same thing as marital infidelity as there were no vows that were broken. Seems to me that she is on a positive spiritual track. The problem is yours as you don't trust her and are insisting that she quits her job because you don't trust her at her current position. I'm not surprised that she still hasn't found another job a year later seeing how you twisted her arm to get the process started. My opinion is that you indeed wasted another year on this on-again off again relationship. She may lack empathy but you lack consideration and are making unreasonable demands. Without trust there is no foundation for a relationship, especially a marital one. My counsel is to do both yourselves a favor and go your separate ways. In the meantime you can work on your trust issues that are going to hinder any prospective relationships.

Re: Forgiveness for a Cheating Ex-Girlfriend?

Originally Posted by Jak-x-

I didn't read everyones response here so I'm sorry if I'm echoing what someone said. If you ask me, the issue is with you more so than her. God implemented a covenant with Abraham basically stating that he would never leave Abrahams side. This same covenant exists with his people today, God promised to love unconditionally , to respect us (not lead us to sin), to honour us, cherish us, lend his strength to our weakness, lead us, to always put us first, faithfulness, etc. These are things we are told to implement with others in our lives, and you aren't practicing those things with this girl. In your story I saw selfishness, and conditional love (you not trusting her and forcing a decision on her, then leaving her when she wouldnt do as you asked.) If you want to do things right, there needs to be 100% selflessness on both sides. Meaning you asked her to find a new job as it bothered you where she's at now, but if her job is Important to her, you need to be selfless enough and exercise unconditional love enough to be OK with her working that job. In my opinion there is still toxicity in your relationship as long as you don't trust her. You said yourself she's changed and become a woman of god, so you need to give her a fresh start and trust that she is actually a woman of god and wouldn't do this to you again. Ultimately however, I think you both need to pray hard on this and wait on god to answer you (he always answers when we talk to him.) Ask him where your heart is at, ask him to show you how to fix problems between you guys and ask him to lead your relationship. If god tells you that you aren't ready, that you two aren't supposed to be, or that he will lead you two together then trust god and let him lead. If he leads her to keep her job, don't stand in the way and exercise real forgiveness by accepting that and trusting her completely