Go ahead, have a cow, man

Humor: BURT'S EYE VIEW

March 17, 2013

If my car breaks down one more time, I'm getting a cow. True, most frustrated motorists would choose a horse. Or a Harley-Davidson.

But when the stupid car quit yet again, and I busied myself remarking at length upon the state of fuel filters and master cylinders and calipers and idle switches, my wife told me to stop having a cow.

That got me to thinking: Why not?

Cows are calming. They're usually in no particular hurry to go anywhere. They stop to smell the flowers. Then they eat them.

And they don't have fuel filters or master cylinders or calipers or idle switches.

A 1,500-pound cow would hold my weight without barely noticing a difference. In fact, cows hardly seem to notice anything except grass on the other side of the fence.

Ride a cow to work and you'll feel those stresses melt away. At her ambling pace, you'll have plenty of time to enjoy the scenery, breathe the air and stop to sample clover when she does.

Stretch out along her back and take a nap. Or balance a laptop on her withers and finish that report without the usual interruptions of the office.

Oh sure, there's the occasional stampede, but that sort of variety is rare. Mostly, you'll just be jostled along in serenity.

Cows also come equipped with factory-installed GPS. About five years ago, researchers studying random herds of cows noticed that about two-thirds of cattle grazing or resting will align themselves in a north-south direction.

And as I learned from growing up in dairy farm country, cows start lining up at the barn shortly before milking time, and pretty much always return to their own stall, sort of like church people staking out favorite pews.

So put the cow on automatic pilot and enjoy the ride.

Still not sold? Let's examine what else is on the sticker:

* Cows run on bio fuels.

* A mulching attachment comes as standard equipment.

* Also as part of the eco-friendly, green package, an automatic fertilizing attachment is included.

* Bovines produce high amounts of their own natural gas.

* Models are equipped with a four-by-four full traction drive unit.

* Dual horns are optional. And bells.

* Most models feature a two-tone exterior.

* Genuine cowhide upholstery is standard.

* An automatic fly swatter comes free.

* The family comfort package includes a built-in, self-replenishing drink storage compartment, with four spigots.

* A T-bone steak is included with every model.

So if my car breaks down again, I'm riding a cow to work.

And here's a cow tip: On the way home, I'll stop by the convenience store to pick up a pound of butter and chunk of cheese. Bossie won't mind.