May 26, 2010

The 14 people you meet in hell gay groups

1. The high drama lesbian:

e.g.: 20 something. Dressed in husky boys' plaid shorts, flip flops.Walking with a cane, post-drunk driving accident and brain surgery.Product of Evangelical family from trailer park. Responds to all topicswith the same response: her three suicide attempts.

Quote: "So I waslike on the phone to my ex when I walked up in the room. There she was, my bestfriend since I was like thirteen. Awn duh floor, dead. Bra pulled up over huhhead and firecrackers up in her ass...and dat's when I just started fallin'out....you know?"

2. The Twelve stepper:

e.g.: 60 year old, Southern accent, Magnetic bracelets on both wrists. Magnets in his soles and in his bedsheets. Newly retired social worker, funny, but prone to having violent outbursts when flashing back to his coke days.

Quote: "Sheesh, as many times I passed out driving, I ought to be dead."

3. The Rice queen:

e.g: Tom Bosley look-alike with a hearing aid that looks like it has an erection.

Quote: (pick up line to an Asian) "So,you're Asian. Oooo...you better watch out, I love them Asians!"

1) The Piglet Lesbian Couple - Much like Piglet from Winnie the Pooh, these two women are insecure. They also apologize for everything, whether or not they did anything to effect an out. "Oh, you lost your great grandmother in the Holocaust? I am so very sorry that happened to you," and then begins to weep on your behalf.

2) The Perfection 12 Stepper - This guy has a dynamite body, killer looks and can't hold onto a man to save his life because he has two topics of conversation that obsess over. Topic a) is about his drug issues, which are lengthy. Topic b) are your drug issues, even if all you take is an asperin a day, he's obsessed with the fact that you may lead him down the path right back to Special K and Meth.

3) The newly OUT gay man. Never mind that he's been out of the closet for years, for him, coming out is a daily event - just like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. That, and everything he sees, does or suspects about other is gay Gay GAY.

4) The grabby old queer. You know this man - over sexed and over Geritoled. "I don't feel a day over 60!" he claims. But his roving hand, transuscent skin, dotted with age spots, acts as if its attached to Helen Keller and insists on exploring your body looking for a more initmate conversation than you are willing to conduct.