A blog by and about a bipolar, ADHD Mom with anxiety, PTSD, depression, panic and agoraphobia (Flabbergasted Mom) & her spouse (Man of the House) with depression and possible ADD.I wish my life was as peaceful as this picture I took LOOKS!

Tuesday, 22 October 2013

Was feeling so hopeless and powerless that I started to examine in my head exactly why I DON'T kill myself.

Suicidal ideation is like my shadow - sometimes it gets worse and I freak out but generally, it doesn't usually phase me.

But last night I was going over in my head all the times in the past where I've been at that point.

Bottom line is that I always decide to hang on because of the people I love.

Which is good, because it *does* keep me here BUT why is it - why is it that it never occurs to me or feels like I need to stick around for myself???

So I don't know how to describe the state I'm in. I get like this sometimes - it's like joy and happiness are behind an unbreakable glass wall - I can see it, I can sort of fake it but it's beyond me right now.

And it was the further thinking (which I am NOT comfortable writing about - no point in giving the universe ideas) that made me finally fire my family DR today - because part of the reason I feel hopeless and powerless is because he doesn't listen to me and doesn't respect me.

I've been unhappy being his patient since early 2006 but my fear of change kept me sticking with him.

Isn't that one of the definitions of crazy - doing the same thing and expecting a different result??

Monday, 21 October 2013

Bottom line appears to be that I'll have to fire my DR; pay for my records and then DR shop till I find a good one (if that's possible) and one who will read my records and fill in the ODSP application.

*IF* I manage to accomplish all that - then I have no idea how long it is until ODSP decides.

I feel like it's all pointless and stressful and there's no guarantee that any of this will help.

That being said, the end of my day has me feeling quite upset. Hubs was giving me a hard time over something he disagreed with & didn't drop it so I ended up having to partially address a long-time situation re: my sense of self-worth that existed before I ever knew Hubs.

He FINALLY got to the point where he saw beyond the surface and apologized.

However; I'm already down here - feeling like crap.

talking about it won't make me feel better. Neither will crying about it.

It's one of those things that I have to just accept.

But it's not easy. And it's something I've struggled with for over 20 years.

If I had somewhere to go - I'd go in the car and just drive but it's not the right time of year for that.

Our town is overrun with beer enthusiasts, enjoying a good polka at various festhalls.

But on occasion I did sometimes physically write down my thoughts and feelings.

Here are some things that still apply to me NOW...

After a therapy session:

"...my big takeaway was her point that emotions/feelings aren't rational so that spending time trying to rationalize one's feelings is like running in a hamster wheel. Feelings just are.

"I need to exist now. Not in my past, not in the future."

*this is still a major challenge for me!!

My Mom:

"I've told friends before I learned to not experience emotions at my mother's knee... I wasn't kidding."

"She gave me some grief over my therapy appt, reminding me that when things bother you, you're supposed to throw them over your shoulder and not look back."

Introspection:

"What are the strong emotions I think I experience the most? Fear, anger, anxiety, joy. 3 to 1. That sucks.

"I am a pessimist because it feels safer but I can still sometimes dream."

"I'm thankful for the same things/reasons/people daily & I guess I take that for granted because I still find myself attempting to assign weight to things. Like these are the things I'm thankful for but the way I feel about [terminal cancer diagnosis for someone I still love and miss 9 yrs after her death] is over-shadowing everything else."

Meds:

"I waver between hopefulness and despair. There is no middleground, not even a chemically-induced one. I stopped taking the Celexa because I don't want to have a false sense of security. I need to know that everything that happens and that everything I feel is real."

**I had started cutting myself for probably the first time since high school because nothing felt real to me.

Facts:

"I tend to be naïve, gullible & over-trusting. I also feel the need to fix and to help and put all my energy into trying to make a positive difference for others because it's where I created my sense of self-worth."

"...the biggest thing I am feeling right now is POWERLESS."

"...in my life I use words as a shield and a weapon. If I can fully put something into words then I don't necessarily have to feel it."

**still true

Confession:

"It's difficult not to get mad at myself for not handling this all better. I feel like having human weaknesses is unacceptable."

** I still feel this way about myself. I'd never be this hard on someone I love and care about so why is it my first reponse to myself? Where is my love and compassion for ME from me?

Tuesday, 1 October 2013

You know how when you get a new car, suddenly you see that make and model everywhere? Or like how it seems everyone is pregnant the same time you are?

I can't stop the memories popping up.

I've been trying to stay up till the point of exhaustion (2 - 3 a.m. And then I'm up between 7 and 8 a.m.) But still - my mind whirls.

B.M. from college who attempted to assault me when we were hanging out. That was over 20 yrs ago - and he didn't manage to do it (though I did have a handcuff mark on the wrist he caught).

Then there's the creepy memory of being in the basement of an uncle -- Adam West's Batman on the TV... I really don't seem to remember more than that and that's OK. I can't deal with anything else right now.

Meds still have me hypo - but I'm riding the wave, channelling it into productivity.

Been returning phone calls and emails I've been avoiding. Reaching out to services, even did some exercising last night around 1 a.m.

Christ - just texting this post has my heart racing.

Trying to breathe.

No reply from mental health advocate yet - but when I left the msg, his outgoing greeting indicated he wasn't in the office until today.

Oh and I signed up for a one-day seminar "Raising your Spirited Child" -- hoping it's not too crowded.

Called about stress therapy group and anger mgmt groups (one for adults, one for Tweens and Teens).

All are Tuesday evenings which conflict with other activities our family participates in.

Still highly agitated.

From hyper to angry in seconds depending on external environment.

Craving chocolate like a mofo but perimenopause is totally fucking with me.

Had two periods last month with 18 days between them and now it's been 35 days (I think) since my last one.

Is the universe piling up on me like this because I'm still not coping or surviving well mentally?

Or is it my sense of my own fragility that scares me so much right now?