How to handle this MIL

My MIL is, quite possibly, the biggest pain in the butt in the world. DH (then BF) and I moved in after she had a heart attack about 2 years ago. The doctors said it was either she moved into a home or someone help her. Needless to say, we didn’t want to do that to her. Big mistake. Now that we are married, and in DESPERATE need of our own space, her temper tantrums are overwhelming. We are looking for something with a guest cottage so that we can finish caring for her but still have space of our own. She is in her mid-70’s and believes that there are three people in this marriage. When DH told her she needs to give us some space, she proceeds to go on about how if his father was alive he would be so disappointed; and how I am nothing more than a gold digger. She believes we need to have children ASAP because she is older. Keep in mind DH is 28 and I am 22. Just because you waited until you were 45 to have children does NOT mean we need to get pregnant immediately. Someone talk me down because I am trying to keep my cool but I am getting so resentful being kind (or at least trying) to someone who can’t stand me!

@crr219191: I feel for you, I really do! The best thing you could do at this point is have your DH talk to her separately and lay down the law. If she is going to continue living under your roof, she needs to:

1) stop with the tantrums and threats/disparaging remarks and learn to respect the space of those around her, especially those that are newlyweds and sharing their home

2) Stay out of your womb. Kids are an off limit topic until further notice

3) Her calling you names , has to stop ASAP.

If she doesn’t comply with her newly set groundrules, I would consider moving her into a home because honestly– it sounds like she would need professional care at that point. It really sucks when parents become the ones needing the care, but the hostility and tantrums could be a more serious underlying health concern that will require more monitoring. If your DH talks with her and she is willing to readjust her attitude, that would be great. If not, I would looking for other arrangements for her., not as punishment, but as a way to preserve a good relationship with her and her and your overall wellbeing.

That sounds like a really unpleasant situation. If a place with a guest house is difficult to find, could you do something with a finished basement, or a duplex/townhouse situation? … and then don’t give her a key to your house/side/part of the house.

@crr219191: Sounds like you need to have a talk with your husband about his mother and boundaries. Everyone will get along much better if the two of you can enforce strict boundaries with MIL about what’s appropriate and what’s not. She doesn’t get a say in when you have kids, and if you both refuse to discuss it with her, 100%, then she’ll get the picture eventually.

Don’t count on her catching the hint. The two of you need to be 100% invested in enforcing boundaries, and when she brings up something that is out of place, tell her politely but firmly that it’s not up for discussion. Walk away if you have to. She gets no say in when you have kids, and she certainly doesn’t get to call you a gold digger now that you’re part of the family and are invested in her care.

When she’s out of line, both of you need to be firm with her about what’s considered unacceptable. Giving in to her will send the message that she’ll get her way eventually.

@CakeyP I am praying that this helps, I want to love this woman. I keep reminding myself that for all of her faults, she raised an amazing man who I love. Out of respect for him, I bite my tongue.

@Mrs_Amanda I will say that DH has done everything right. When we looked at a house that I hated and she liked, not loved, but liked, he put his foot down. When our realtor asked what I thought she said something to the effect of “It doesn’t matter as long as I like it”. DH looked her straight in the eye and said that this will be OUR home and as long as I am happy, he is happy, so it very much does matter what I think. He said we could build a cottage that would make her happy but not to mistake the fact that I am his wife and “what his wife wants, she will get”. He is 100% on my side. I think your right that the two of them need to have that conversation when I am not present though.

MIL’s are sooo difficult!… My FMIL is telling family members to ask… ME.. THE BRIDE; if I can cover their expense for the bachelorette party (which she also invited herself too) until they can give me the money.

You have to learn to put your foot down or accept it. Both will have consequences, it is up to you to choose what will be worse.

@ MoonlitMagnolia The problem is with a finished basement is she wants light, and it isn’t meeting her desires. There are some properties with a guest cottage, or if not we will build one.

@elliebean14 Dh is doing amazing with boundaries, I will give him that. There was a point when we were dating where I got to this point and said I love you, but your mother is becoming toxic for me and I need to step away from this. Thankfully we leave on our delayed honeymoon on Saturday and we agreed that it is going to be five days of us getting on the same page and determining how to proceed from here.

@Artificial-Sweetner Seriously?? That is mind-blowing. I am trying to still let DH take the lead after this trip but he knows I am reaching the end of my rope. Personally, I couldn’t be bothered to try anymore, but I keep trudging along for him. My foot went down awhile ago, but her reactions are like that of a toddler!

@crr219191: ugh, that’s annoying of her! If she can’t respect boundaries, then like I said, I would be looking for an alternative living situation for her and possibly loop a doctor in on this. If this is a lifetime’s worth of behavior, that may be a whole other issue– but if her demanding and demeaning behavior is somewhat recent, I would address it with a healthcare professional.

@crr219191: I skimmed the previous responses, but felt like I should chime in for a sec.

First, I want to make it clear that her behaviour is NOT ok. It is not ok to throw tantrums or call you names. The baby thing – also annoying and uncalled for, but is pretty common.

Was your MIL always acting like this? It’s not clear from your post, but if it’s only developed over the last few years, I think it’s really important that you (probably DH) speak directly with her doctors about it. It could actually be an indicator of another medical problem or early stages of dimentia. It might not be, but it could be and I think it would probably make it a bit easier to care for her through her behaviour if you knew whether it was a symptom of something else age-related.