"In the end, she became more than what she expected. She became the journey, and like all journeys, she did not end, she just simply changed directions and kept going." R. M. Drake

Saturday, April 28, 2012

It's been awhile..

I haven't been blogging much this month! I feel like I've been really busy and just haven't taken the time to sit down and write. I have so many things that I want to write about! But for right now I'm just going to write what pops into mind and save the detailed blog posts for later!

On the 16th of this month I launched a new website to spread cystic fibrosis awareness and to educate people about CF. It is in honor and memory of my late husband, Spencer. So far it has been very successful!!! The website got nearly 2,000 views in the first week that it was up. Amazing. I am so thankful for the support that I have received. I am so excited to add to the website and watch it grow =) You can check out the website at www.riddleofcf.com I'll write a blog later about it, probably after the beginning of May once I launch the "Featured" portion! I haven't gotten to do a lot of advertising and posting about it because my best friend from San Diego was here for 3 days and I took a long 10 day break from the interwebs =)

Which leads me to say that I had a wonderful 10 days with my best friend, Emily! Em traveled to Kansas to stay with me and we had such a good time. We got to see and stay with a couple of super good friends in Colorado for about 3 days and that was probably the highlight for me from this past week. It was SO good to get away - it was not only something that I wanted to do, but something that I really needed. I've been so isolated since Spencer passed away and moving back home. I needed to be around my peers. We got to Bird City on the Sunday the 22nd. We spent a lot of time scrapbooking and doing crafts which was really relaxing and nice to do with a friend. There was a lot of down time where we just couldn't think of what to do - but I think we had a pretty good time, overall! =) Hope you enjoyed it Emily!

I continue to learn a lot about myself and the grieving process the more time that passes since Spencers death. I never quite understood that lonely feeling that many widows (and grieving persons in general) say that they experience. It wasn't until about 4 months out that I really started feeling lonely. A deep longing for my husband. Despite being around the best girls in the world - I was missing something. I was so empty.... And it's not that I wasn't having fun - I WAS! It's hard to describe and I really want to write more about this later. I think I have finally sorted out some of my thoughts with some of the things that I have been feeling.

And last but not least - I want to end with the biggest thing on my mind. I found out this morning before I left to take Emily to the airport that my mother-in-law, Pam, is declining rapidly. For some of you that may not have known, she is passing away from a fight with breast cancer. The cancer progressed near the end of last year and she decided to stop doing treatment for it since it wasn't helping her. She is in her final days and hours right now. My brother-in-law Isaac posted that they are now giving her medication to make her comfortable. She is not in pain, she is peaceful. They are, and I am as well, asking for prayers for her peace and comfort as she lives her last hours on this Earth. They ask for prayers that she passes with so much love in her heart. Which I have no doubt about because she was one of the most loving ladies I have ever had the privilege of knowing.

I have had a lot of flash backs today after reading that she is getting the medication to be comfortable and at peace to help her pass. Reminds me of Spence in his final day. The decision to make those last couple of steps that were necessary for him to peacefully slip away. It's really made me miss him a lot today. Always loving him.

Also... we just got word that my grandpa S. (my mom's dad) has been pretty unresponsive today. Last week they found out he had a DVT (deep blood clot..) in his leg and they started blood thinners for that. I don't know what ever came out of that.... but he's been doing quite poorly for awhile now. They are concerned that his body may be shutting down and are wondering if he might make it. My mom is down giving my grandma the news right now. I just pray for comfort for both my family and my in-laws. We're surrounded in a world full of illness and death right now and we need so, so much strength to make it through.

I'm struggling a little bit.... It's sad - always sad. But through love, support, comfort, and prayers I will make it through some how - I always do.