dialogue vs monologue

do people talk to you as if, you're not there. or do you do this to other people?

as in my mother, she can just go on and fucking ON and i'm not even responding to her, anyone with ANY non verbal reasoning can see i'm fucking TIRED of her.

eg, turned back, head down while eating, sighing, no "hmms" "aaahs" or any encouragement for her to continue.

but she doesn't get it. so right now i wondered what she'd do. she just finished her "conversation" and turned her back, walked out the room, and i went into this room to finish my breakfast and then she came in and made some every day remark. this suggests she DID fail to see i was not interested and overwhelmed with her shit.

ok?

i've done this before but it was with therapists. they used to say, how do you see me? i'd say a blank wall because I NEED a relationship in my life where there is as little stimuli as possible i need that space where i can just talk and just be without worrying about a relationship with a therapist. it shows how much i needed my own time.

but if this is how my mother sees me it makes me question how she sees me.

because i can say PLEASE STOP I DON'T WANT TO KNOW

and she keeps going even WHEN i tell her it's unsafe. and when i say it's unsafe it's a big thing to say it means i'm getting really agitated and could end in me screaming and dealing with processing a fucking flashback again.

Do you think your mum isn't noticing you only or is she not really seeing anyone?
What can you do to reduce stimuli in your enviroment?

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i think she doesn't see that i have emotional needs, it's been like that from infancy. it's only recently she's kind of heard me when i've been trying to open up communication when i'm in crisis.

as to your second question, i don't live here. my flat is heaven. no tv, no relatives. i'm trying hard to make my old bed room a safe place where nobody comes in and it's quiet, safe.
i'm not sure that can ever happen considering what this house does to me.

i've felt like that so much of my life! it's only in these last two years i've been struggling to build up my skin.
my flat didn't used to be heaven though. i didn't used to live in it, i used to live outside...

i used to dissociate madly, to put it simply. i forget to eat and care for myself, i fragment, i can have massive life threatening flashbacks. i try every way to get away from it all. it's full of abuse and chaos.

yes it's an amazing relief. :smile: i do write loads. it's a way of just getting all this out of me, and grounded, processing, looking back, learning and i don't hurt myself anymore. i still see a therapist but there's some issues that need to be sorted out regarding how she sees me too.

if i remember correctly, i actually helped set up family therapy in 06 but that was with CAMHS..and it fell apart cos my sister didn't want to participate at the time.

my therapist actually encourages me to move away from all this. i think she and my first therapist had a fair idea about the people i lived with and how clear boundary making, one of them keeping everyone at a distance and /or cutting all contact could be the best thing.
she's not a family therapist she works with individuals