A real-life D/s couple, together for more than ten years, discuss what it's like to live the "lifestyle" in real life, long term, from both points of view. Techniques, interactions, product reviews and events will be featured, as well as essays on life as we know it.

Monday, 20 June 2011

For me the love that I share with my girl is so integral to our relationship sometimes I'm surprised when people talk about their BDSM relationships that are so casual. I don't know if I could do the same kind of things casually that I do in a committed relationship.

Is love a requirement for D/s or M/s to work?

Before I started learning I would have said 'yes' because that was my own experience. I just couldn't do this if I didn't care about the other person - maybe love was too strong of a word, but I wouldn't collar/own a person that I didn't love. Of course I started doing the Gorean thing, so that puts me in kind of a different boat. I really knew nothing about BDSM in general until I got more serious with my current slave, so after her I haven't had any other relationships.

From how I see things now ... yeah I can see it working for D/s, but I still can't see 'part time' M/s. I guess this will depend on where you draw the line and how you distinguish these kind of labels.

Just so you know where I'm coming from -- (Keep in mind these are off the cuff personal definitions and are in no way meant to label anyone else or enforce my views on other people)

I define D/s as either a part time, or casual relationship. Both parties have requirements and get together to 'play'. Play can extend over long periods of time. Couples who classify themselves as 'vanilla' part of the time fit in here with me as well. Like they're putting on a role and 'doing' something at the time.

I define M/s as a long term committed relationship. People who likely live together, or at least see each other regularly. These people don't 'turn off' or begin 'play' sessions - when they are together they are 'inside' their M/s dynamic.

So from my above definitions you can see how D/s might fit into a more casual 'I care about you' or 'friendship' kind of relationship.

I still can't separate long term intimacy and 'love' though. I suppose I don't see an M/s relationship as existing without intimacy, because of everything that is entails. Complete surrender on the part of the submissive and complete control on the part of the Dominant. In that type of relationship the communication and caring has to be strong on both sides just to survive.

Maybe I should say a 'long term' M/s relationship requires love - so many relationships burn out quickly that perhaps that is the secret for long term happiness.

Does romance hurt the dynamic?

Well - no. I suppose if I didn't care if she was happy then I wouldn't care about romance. I'm not sure what 'hurt' is caused by me liking to see her smile. If a romantic gesture accomplishes that smile what is the problem? Does she come to expect those things? I would hope not, though if she gave me a hard time because I didn't do something romantic we might be having a discussion - this doesn't include things that are important for other reasons (anniversaries, birthdays, etc).

I suppose this is where I have put another disclaimer. I feel this way because I believe it is my job to take care of her (both mentally and physically), and not just use her for my own benefit. Part of my role is controlling and guiding, and part of it is care-taking. I suppose this makes it easier for me to give her what she 'wants' - but really if there isn't a benefit for me in denying her something, what is the true point? Just because I can? Yeah I do that, but not all the time, that's just silly.

What is love really?

Love is when you care enough about someone that their happiness is just as important as your own. In this way making them happy and fulfilling them makes you happy and fulfills you in return.

Love also involves trust. M/s relationships revolve around trust. Love requires communication - so do M/s relationships. You can see where I'm going with this ... things are so integral that it's natural to have them together.

What is love to me?

We have been through rough spots in our lives. Because I love her I've been there for her and together we've been able to work through things. I feel that together we are stronger than we would be apart.

I have a lover, a friend, someone to care for me when I'm sick or down, someone to encourage me and keep me on track - in many ways I have a partner that will share my life with me.

Does this affect our M/s Relationship?

Duh. But I believe it affects it in a positive way, not a negative one. She knows her place in our relationship, and if she pushed it I'd still be 'strong' enough to show her. I don't think being in love weakens your dominance, it can only make it stronger (more tools in the toolbox).

Just to finish with a romantic gesture - I wouldn't trade our lives for anything.

Sunday, 19 June 2011

I've been seeing an awful lot of posts on various sites lately about love. Is it necessary to have it in an M/s relationship? Is it harmful to a D/s dynamic? How does it affect submission? Is it even possible to love a slave?

Sometimes it boggles me that people ask. For me, there is no deeper love than what I have for my Master. I can't imagine loving someone more in another relationship.

Do you have to have love in order for D/s or M/s to work?

Definitely not. I have had D/s relationships which were purely based on friendship in the past. I tend to be a bit dependent, and when I was struggling to recover from a previously abusive relationship, I had a friend step in and offer to be my shoulder and let me come to him if I had a situation I needed to talk about or needed some guidance in. This was important to me. I can function perfectly fine in any independent situation, but sometimes, particularly when it comes to personal decisions, I just don't want to have to figure one more thing out. I just want someone to tell me the right thing to do, even if I already sort of know what it is.

That kind of dynamic can work quite well, and I can see how, especially in a part time relationship, you can have simply friendship or companionship without love in D/s. But M/s is something entirely different for me.

I had submitted to others before my Master. I had never, though, truly been a slave. I had never been willing to hand over everything that I was (and willingly so, I might add), to abdicate all responsibilities, to surrender every choice, and to trust him deeply enough that I would play without a safe word. I can do all of that for one reason and one reason only; I love him.

It is because of my love for him that I am willing to give everything, but it is as much about his love for me as anything else that allows me to trust him to the extent that I do. I know how important I am to him. I know that his love for me would not allow him to cause me grievous harm, or to truly cause me psychological distress long-term (short term, oh sure, but long term? No.) I know that because he loves me, his use of me will be for mutual benefit, not just his own. I know that I am safe in his hands, and that no matter what he chooses to put me through (possibly something not of my desire, let alone of my choosing), that I will make it through it, because he would not put me onto a path he couldn't safely guide me along.

Does romance hurt the dynamic?

With us, no. I have heard some dominant men say that they cannot love a slave, because that slave will use the love against them. That isn't love; that is manipulation. Love is when another person's happiness is integral to your own. What makes my Master happy is controlling me, and so why would I try to use his love for me to get my own way? I love him, so I would never do that. There is a risk, of course. There is always a risk when you put your heart on the line that the other person will not feel the same way, or will eventually stop feeling the same way, or might possibly use your emotions against you, but that is a risk in any vanilla relationship as well. That is a risk with a friend, with a family member, with a pet that you adore. It can be a risk in M/s. But like any gamble, if the reward wasn't worth it, there wouldn't be any point in putting your money down.

Because I am loved, some have called me a spoiled slave. Mostly those people are those who have only ever experienced M/s as a slave in a Gorean chat room, who turn off the computer and go have dinner with their vanilla husband, whom they proceed to order about like a personal servant. Yes, I am indulged. Yes, if I ask for a piece of chocolate, I am rarely refused. I am often kissed. I am cuddled after bad dreams and there are many, many "I love you"s exchanged in our household. If I am sick, I am cared for, and if I am lonely or sad, there are always hugs.

Of course, because my Master loves me, he also knows some very intimate things about the workings of my head. Because I love him, my vulnerability is increased exponentially. I am easier to mess with; there is no mind fuck like the mind fuck inflicted with love, believe me. My fear is also deepened at times, and since Master loves the look of fear, this can be a fun thing for him to play with. And that's okay with me, because as mentioned previously, I know that I'm safe, no matter how scary it gets. Deep down, I know that I'll be looked after.

Because I love him, I can be whatever he needs in a woman at that moment.

Love; it's in everything we do.

Love adds a depth to our interaction that can't be replicated by other means. We recently discovered a statistic that we found rather sad; the average M/s relationship lasts seven months. Months? Really? So how have we managed to last for ten years?

Because we love one another. Our commitment to one another is deep. We are motivated to work past roadblocks and rt issues and problems that others might dismiss a relationship over. We are interested in learning and growing together instead of letting ourselves grow apart. Love is the glue that gets us through the hard times in life. I think the D/s helps us overcome the high divorce rate averages and pitfalls, and love helps us overcome the short average M/s relationship lifespan. The combination makes you bulletproof.

Friday, 17 June 2011

A while ago my girl found some online directions for making rope floggers. Cool stuff actually, it wasn't a material I would have expected to use for that. Since I have my own love of rope this seemed double great for me.

We went to Totem and spent about $20 on supplies. Finding the rope wasn't any trouble (braided cotton), but it took forever to finally locate the solid rings that had been recommended. We ended up finding them and probably bought ones that are a bit too large, but it was better to have too big rather than too small. I think everything was less than $20, so definitely a good deal.

Put together they actually looked pretty cool. I know I expressed my reservations about the knotted ends when I saw them, since I'm the one that actually throws the flogger I know how it ends up landing. Much of the 'thwack' comes from the ends, especially when you're working high on the back near the shoulders, or on the bottom directly from behind. She assured me that this was how the directions had explained things.

Well the other day I decided that a good flogging was in order - I'm sure you know how that goes, sometimes you are just in the mood for it. Since these new rope floggers are all we currently have it was time to break them in.

I decided to start with the heavier rope, the lighter looked like it would be stingier and better for use later on. I'd practiced a bit with these so I knew what to expect throwing them. I landed a few (what I considered) light blows and she was already yelling. I could tell from the sound that the knots were landing quite harshly on her skin. This wasn't really the kind of sensation I wanted to start off with.

I continued working with it, giving liberal breaks. Her skin started to redden in small little dotted patches, which really proved what was causing the impact on her skin. During this first process she was quite wiggly and I could tell it wasn't all 'fun' for her. Finally when I had properly leathered her skin she seemed to relax and enjoy it. At that point I assume the sensation must have changed to something more comfortable and the 'thuddy' impact was more enjoyable.

I also found a good use for the tufted ends of the rope flogger, they'd frayed to a point where they felt like small cotton balls, which made her shiver nicely when I worked them across her red skin.

I tried to 'spank' her with the flogger as well, but it wasn't well suited for that. The tips are too heavy with the knots to snap properly. Using it across her bottom worked but again the knots landed more solidly, so to get an even sensation I would have to keep changing sides I was beating her from.

I broke out the smaller flogger about half way through. It was more easily controlled, but even light strokes with it caused her to jump and cry out. I didn't try to push it too far since she'd had a hard enough time warming up to begin with. I'll break it out again for a full try another day when I have something else to warm her up with.

During the use I found that it performed well. It flew and stayed together until it landed and splayed. I managed to get a good rhythm going in multiple permutations. Having the rings at the end was actually a nice benefit for some situations.

I'm not sure how the handles were created exactly but the woven grips worked wonderfully to keep it from slipping. It was also solid enough to give me the control I needed to properly throw it. Overall it was a fantastic project, and I'm quite happy that she found it and took the initiative.

Thursday, 16 June 2011

A few months back, I found directions online for constructing rope floggers. They were pretty simple, really; Buy a ring and a length of rope, cut the rope into 5-foot sections, double it over through the rings, knot the ends and wrap a twine handle round the top.

Cotton on top, Cotton-poly blend on the bottom.

I can do that, I thought. It was off to Totem I went, to procure a couple of different types of rope. I chose a thinner, tightly woven cotton and a thicker, "meatier" poly-cotton blend. The rings were a bit more trouble to find. I couldn't imagine where they'd be located, but they were in the section of little drawers that have all the different types of nuts and bolts. They come in a multitude of sizes, and I think I went a little bit too generous on the sizes, but I wasn't sure exactly how tightly the rope would compress within the rings, this being my first time making them, so decided safe was better than sorry.

All in all, the supplies for both floggers cost me well under $20, including the twine I already had at home from previous projects. Inexpensive, and they didn't take too much time to complete either. The handles were created by tying overhand knots snugly around the outer perimeter of rope, the ends woven inside. While I cut the smaller rope into four foot lengths, I cut the thicker into five feet lengths (thus the differences in the sizes of the floggers.

As to the actual use of the floggers, let me just say first that the knots have a lot of power. Because of the intensity they create, these are absolutely not warm-up floggers. Yowch. Though the Masterly one seemed delighted in telling me how polka-dotted I became, the sensations were a little too intense at the beginning. And when the knots wrap up over the top of a shoulder or around the side of a waist/hip region.... well holy crap. It hurts like hell.

The intensity at the beginning made it pretty hard to relax, and I had to concentrate on my breathing and my muscle control (not easy when every inch of you is trying to reflexively react to what is physically going on) just to manage to stay in place. It seemed as though I could feel each individual knot as it landed, which was really unnerving. It took some time for the "leathering" of the skin to take place, at which point the sensations really shifted.

Instead of intense pain from the knots, it became an overall, thuddy and heavy sensation. Ahhh, that was much better. I could feel the tension and jumpiness dissipate as I relaxed into the sensations. It actually became really, really nice after a while, and I started to revel in it, as I usually do with a flogging.

As for aftermath, there was quite a bit of soreness that evening, and some pretty little dotted bruises which bloomed to life in the morning. I was pretty achey and stingy the next day too, which is one of the best things about a flogging in my opinion. As time went on, I had started to crave harder and more serious blows, which I'm guessing would have left some pretty serious marks with those knots, so just a word to the wise on that one; this is not a non-marking play toy.

I think in the future, with a different flogger used for warm-up, this will become a fun and useful toy. The heaviness of the knots, though, mean you need to already have some blood rushing to the skin surface and those lovely endorphins flowing before they land. If you are interested in trying one out, it's worth the cheap investment and little bit of time it takes to create one.

I learned something new this week, which is always a good thing. I don't think I've mentioned it on here, but I grew up reading the Gor series by John Norman. It shaped a lot of my views on life in general and I still identify partly as a 'Gorean'. Well, while doing some searching about this topic my girl discovered that Bastinado was actually used on Gor - I had no idea (or likely at the time reading it I had no idea what the word meant so it didn't stick in my head).

So - that's my cool T. trivia for the week.

Onto the real topic - Beating Feet.

For us this was a long process. When we first met she wouldn't even let me look at her feet, let alone touch them. Beating them was like some kind of crazy fantasy that was likely never going to come true.

Just like with everything else, taking it slow and working up to things is how you get it done. I was actually kind of disappointed at first because I'd actually learned that feet can be a big erogenous zone for women and I'd practiced enough that I could give pretty killer foot massages (with ulterior motives). So - to begin I started by explaining all that, then worked on her letting me touch them, then onto rubbing. As a side note she has the most ticklish feet ever and it is 'very' hard to resist absolutely torturing her by tickling them all the time.

Kitty Demo Bottom

I think after the first 'real' foot massage I had her convinced, and since then she's been less skittish about me being near them. I'm not sure that they're 'innocent' feet any longer, but she still claims that they are whenever I 'abuse' them.

Like many things, this was a topic she actually brought up. While I push her limits I usually wait for her to accept that new boundary and come up with her own ideas so she moves forward at her own pace. I'm not sure exactly where this idea came up and she actually had to explain it to me, but once I got the idea in my head it definitely became my own.

Caning of the feet - how to start? With a cane of course. First problem ... she is way too ticklish for 'light' caning. She burst out in giggles and was kicking madly. We ended up putting on a pair of really thick socks and working from there. Also for the first few sessions I had to hold her feet down (or tie them) pretty tightly to prevent kicking and flailing.

We progressed into thinner socks, then finally onto bare feet. It wasn't actually a long process, after every other session or so we advanced a bit further - I think she got more comfortable with it over time and could just enjoy the sensations.

Since we had a decent toy box (back in the past) I didn't limit myself to just caning her feet. I've used floggers, slappers, wooden spoons - quite a few things actually on her feet. Nothing seems to give the same effect or control as a cane does though. I also particularly like the bouncy effect an acrylic cane has. It's almost a fluid movement moving my wrist back and forth while it warps and bends a bit, letting the momentum take some of the effort.

In actual practice there are a ton of different ways to actually perform bastinado. I'll focus on the cane, since that's what I use most often - with feet being small it's easier to control the blows with something a bit smaller.

Just like using a cane on other parts I'm sure most of the technique is the same. Most of the force comes either from my wrist, or from the cane itself.

Rapid blows are performed by quickly flicking the wrist and letting the cane 'bounce' on the skin. Since the canes are often slightly springy (unless they're huge), taking advantage of their momentum lets you create more force without putting out a lot of effort.

Harder and more solid blows can be performed by using a faster flick of the wrist and at the same time trying to press the crop through the skin so it doesn't rebound back.

Do you see the blissed look on her face?

Using the center of the cane usually has more spring than using the tip. In fact the tip can cause a more direct and forceful blow to a small area, since it is the center that flexes the tip will hit solidly and stay firmly in place after the blow (I've noticed this becomes thuddier rather than stingyier).

I also make longer and more widely timed blows by using my whole arm and letting the weight of the cane cause the impact rather than the energy from my wrist. The same kind of technique you use when flogging works here. Some lighter canes still require force to land solidly.

Depending on your partner there is also a difference between striking both feet at once, or one at a time. Often it's difficult to line them up properly unless they're tied, and even then your partner will likely try to hide one under the other. I've found that I have to hold them with one hand and strike with the other. There isn't a 'better' way of course, by striking one at a time you can get inside your partner's head, they never really know where the blows are going to land so it makes it harder to protect one (or both) of the feet.

Since this often mixes two of my favorite past times (bondage and impact play) it is definitely one of my favorite activities. If you haven't tried it, start with a light tapping and see how that feels, then go from there. I think it would be worth your while.

Tuesday, 14 June 2011

With my knees tucked up beneath me, curled into the corner of her sofa, I fanned myself idly. It was hot, steaming in the apartment, and not just because of the girl beside me. I traced one fingernail lightly against the back of her neck and watched her jump and squirm a bit. I loved the way she reacted to that, it did something to me that I couldn't quite explain in words. I moved my nails up through the short dark hair at the back of her neck, teasing and ruffling the silky locks.

"Hot in here..." she murmured, prompting a small grin.

"You think?" I replied, tipping my head to one side. "Maybe I can fix that...."

My hand fell away from her neck and moved to the glass on the floor. I slid one of the ice cubes into my fingertips, the liquid long gone, and surreptitiously raised it, her attention caught away for a moment. A few seconds later, there were icy drops of water falling against the tattooed cherries on her chest, the water running in rivulets into her ample cleavage. My eyes followed the path of the drops, lips curving up in a tempted smile.

When the cold registered, she jumped, her skirt riding slightly higher on her thighs. Her hand moved to her damp skin, fluttering there for a moment. She saw my empty glass and offered, like the perfect hostess she always was, "Let me get you another..."

"Not what I had in mind, exactly," I murmured. To keep her from getting away, I knelt upward, reaching around her to slide the ice along the opposite side of her neck. Not that the attempt at escape was serious, but I was having too much fun for it to stop just yet. I watched as the cold raised goosebumps along her porcelain skin, the little rivulets of water again tracing down to disappear into her cleavage. It was just too tempting. I let the ice go, and it slid into that lovely, warm little spot between the swell of her breasts, making her gasp. "Ooops..." I managed with a smile. "I guess I'll have to go get that, won't I?"

Before she could protest, my tongue was tracing the path of the ice cube, from the side of her neck down her body, long waves of blonde hair falling about my face, tickling along the surface of her skin as I moved. I sighed as I traced the very tip of my little pink tongue along the upper curve of her breast, moving along one side, teasing along the dip of her cleavage, and then along the top of the other. I could feel her breath catch, and I paused a moment, tentative, to peek up at her, not entirely sure if I was pushing her too far.

Her answer was a hand twined in my hair. I nipped at her breasts, one and then the other, moving deeper into her cleavage after that elusive cube of ice. Her hand tightened its grip. I couldn't help but purr... it had always been one of my triggers, that grip of a hand in my hair. "God but you're beautiful..." I purred, just before biting hard, tugging at the tender flesh of her breast, running my tongue over the captured skin.

I could feel her react, her hips shifting, her grip tightening in my hair, provoking a whimper of my own, her other hand swatting at me, lightly. I let go, shifted, grinned at her from my position on my knees. Kneeling upright made me taller than she was, in her sitting position. I wasn't usually the one in power, but it somehow made me feel that way. "Don't want me to keep looking for the ice?" I teased.

"I think it melted." She answered.

I nodded. "Had to, in contact with so much hotness." Okay, it was corny. I was hoping for a laugh, and I got a smile at least. "We just have to use more, in that case." Again, I moved before she could protest, grabbing my glass and moving to straddle her thighs, kneeling this time atop her, my free hand pushing her back onto the couch back. I was grinning, fishing out another cube, wriggling against her all the while, and once I shoved the glass aside again I could see that she was amused as well. I grabbed her dress at her cleavage roughly, my fingers disappearing inside of the fabric, tucked between her breasts. "I think the only solution is to see if we can cool you down...." I tugged at her dress, capturing her bra in the same motion, slowly dragging the fabric down and off of her body until her breasts sprang free. I kept my eyes on hers as I popped the ice cube into my mouth and lowered my head, the heat of my lips finding her nipple, my teeth guiding the ice cube around it before pressing into it firmly.

"I'll kill you!" she growls up at me, and her nails do dig into my thighs this time, a bit harder than I'd prefer. So I do the reasonable thing - I slap her, moderately hard.

She blinks and freezes, staring up at me with a look of pure shock and surprise on her face. Speechless, I'm impressed.
"Well I'm glad I got your attention," I say with a slightly amused lilt in my voice.

She pulls a hand back and lightly trails her fingertips over her cheek. It probably still stings but should already be fading, I knew what I was doing when it came to this kind of stuff.

"I've got something else you can drink," I offer, cocking my head to the side and raising a single eyebrow in that 'how you doin' kind of look. Sure it sounded corny, but I think at this point in the relationship we were at that point.

She blinks and me and her eyes narrow a bit, I can see the 'dream on' trying to make it's way to her lips, but she manages to restrain herself. Cool.

I let go of her hair and she sits back firmly on her heels, still starting up at me with that look on her face, silent and almost curious. I pull on the chain around my neck and tug the key out of my shirt. Letting it fall to rest against my chest outside of my shirt. I can tell she knows what it is - freedom, in a way. Her way out of here. I can also see she wants to reach for it and just run, but she doesn't.

"Please ... Sir, may I leave now?" she asks - not quite humble, but almost.

"Aren't you still thirsty?" I ask, once more putting on some fake curiosity.

She doesn't answer for a moment, then her head bows and there is a soft ... "Yes Sir" from somewhere beneath all the hair that flows around her face.

"I didn't hear that," I say, folding my arms over my chest.

I feel her hands pressing against my thighs and her fingers curling, doing that tentative hesitant finger crawl upward. When they reach my waistband they curl into it and I have to steady myself as she pulls, raising herself until her face is about level with my belt.

"Please Sir ... can I ... can I touch - it?" her voice is also hesitant, but soft - a tone I'd become familiar with over the years.

"No." I answer firmly.

I love the inarticulate frustrated noise that's parts her lips at that word - what can I say, it just does it for me.

She leans forward and presses her forehead against the button of my pants. Now this is always the part where it gets hard, in more ways than one. I can feel her breath through the fabric of my clothing, and the mental image is damn hot.

"Please Sir ... please - I've done everything you've asked, please, let me do this ... please Sir," she continues, the words falling from her lips. I almost think she's getting off on this as much as I am now.

"Alright," I finally answer, cutting into the begging litany.

She lets out another small sound, this one a bit of relief and a bit of something else - satisfaction maybe? I don't help her, but she doesn't seem to need any, her fingers that were shaking just a moment ago are steady as they take off my pants and pull out my cock.

Her mouth makes a little 'O' of surprise and anticipation and she gets that look in her eye - you know the one, that says something like 'Wow - this looks yummy'. There is a soft mmmm sound then bliss. My fingers tangle in her hair and I let her get into her own rhythm. Shes pretty good - definitely eager. Maybe she really is thirsty after all, but it isn't going to be that easy for her.

I lower my other hand and get a good grip, holding her head steady while I take what I want from her mouth instead of the other way around. That look on her face after having her nose buried against my stomach for a few seconds and listening to her try not to gag, then suddenly letting go and seeing her fall over gasping is spectacular. It's even better when she gasps and drags herself back up onto her knees then dives in for more.

At some point I noticed she was starting to finger herself and had to deliver another smack and some direction ...

"You want to touch yourself?" I ask as I drag her head back and twist it up to look at me. Her lips swollen and slick with spit - still parted as she tries to suck in air that I haven't been letting her get enough of.

"Yes Sir ... please sir - so much," her hands are hovering close to that small square of fabric that I'd let her keep.

"Take that off," I order - I don't think I have to be more specific, she isn't wearing anything else.

She complies, rapidly. Then I deliver another smack, a bit harder this time to get my point across. "I didn't say you could yet." Her hand jerks back away, but not far, her fingers are curling again and shaking - I know that sign of need, it isn't unique.

"Turn around and get on your hands and knees," my voice is firm, not loud - that isn't necessary anymore.

"Yes Sir ... please sir," she is still carrying on, it seems like unless she has something in her mouth now the words just spill out - damn hot.

She turns around and bends over, raising her ass in the air. I swat it, eliciting a muted squeal and some wiggling. Then I get down on my own knees and start to stroke her - causing even more wiggling and half thrashing ... shes definitely getting off on it. I can still hear the soft sounds of her whispering 'please Sir' over and over.

"I hope you can still beg - because if you come before I give you permission you won't like the results." I offer, and give her a few seconds to process that - damn I love the control. It's almost like a different woman, after just this much conditioning I bet I could have her begging for just about anything. What other possibilities does she have locked inside of her? I can't wait to find out ... I still have the key after all.

Bastinado, also known as falanga and falaka, is the art of whipping the bottoms of pretty, vulnerable, innocent little feets. Or at least that's what I call my feet when I'm trying to hide them, sole-to-sole, against a threatening cane. "Poor innocent feets!"

The truth is, I just love it.

I have this thing about not liking feet in general. I think they're kind of icky. I hate having people touch mine, especially strangers. I don't even like people looking at mine unless they are safely tucked away in socks. I just don't think of them as a pretty part, and the idea of a foot fetish in general makes me very confused. To me, it might as well be an elbow fetish; I just don't get it. Then again, everyone's kink is different.

Then I wound up with this guy who gives amazing foot massages. He explained to me the ways in which he'd learned to get women all worked up... through their feet. I didn't think it was possible. I mean feet? Feet? Sexy times with feet? No way.

It took a long time for me to be able to relax enough to let him touch them, let alone massage them. My feet are very sensitive and ticklish, and I hate being tickled (See here for reference!), so it took some real trust to let him have his way with them without protest, squealing, and struggling to get away. When I did? Oh it was a complete revelation. And while at times I'm still shy about my feet, and have a tendency to tuck them beneath myself, sit on them, hide them under pets or pillows or whatever else is handy when he reaches for them... I'm aware that there's much more to feet than meets the eye.

I've mentioned before how much I adore the videos from Hogtied, and that's where my curiosity about bastinado was piqued. If massaging my feet was awesome, and hit all these erogenous spots, what would happen with caning of the feet? I brought it up tentatively, shyly, uncertainly, and it gave the Masterly one kind of an evil glint in his eyes. He likes it, I think, when I am interested in trying something that also has me really freaked out. He enjoys vulnerability and fear on display.

I can't remember when we first tried it, but it was years ago and with our previous acrylic cane. We moved on to floggers, slappers, wooden spoons, and all kinds of punishment for those poor innocent feets. And what I learned is, those same erogenous zones that got so stimulated from his massaging hands were even more stimulated with the pain of a beating. It pushed all of my buttons, including, incidentally, my light interest in humiliation, because I find having my feet at his mercy both humbling and humiliating. I'm not sure why, it's likely because it's a part of me that I feel so driven to keep hidden, the way most people would feel about displaying a blemish that made them self-conscious. And my display of pleasure and arousal from it feeds that humiliation even more, of course.

If you've never tried bastinado, it's worth a try (especially for feet-o-phobes!). Find someone experienced with light cane work and start slowly. Experiment with what feels best to you and what you can't stand. The goal here isn't to raise huge welts - unless you don't have to do any walking for a while, in which case, go nuts -it's a great way to force immobilization/crawling on someone! Try light rhythmic strokes to start, and figure out where the nerves that push your buttons are (for me, it's right in the center of the arch of my foot, as well as the outer ball of the foot near the pinkie toe). Find out where it really bothers you (right on the center flat of my heel is a rough spot for me, right where the bone is -owowow), and figure out what makes it tick for you. It's worth experimenting with. If you don't have a cane, try a wooden spoon. And have fun with it!

Monday, 13 June 2011

Today while I was out shopping I picked up some things that are going to make two new toys for me. One roll of silver duct tape, one roll of purple duct tape, one roll of hockey stick tape, and one 5/8" dowel. I also used a square, scissors, hacksaw and marker.

Materials

The first toy I'm making is a duct tape flogger. I saw a bunch of these get posted on Fetlife.com in the last little while and figured it couldn't be that difficult. I was making duct tape wallets and clothing back in the day. I didn't have a pattern or 'how-to' to follow, so I just did this off the cuff and here is how it went.

Step one:

Decide what size and how many falls you're looking for. I decided to make 1/2" falls and went with 36 of them (so overall 18" wide). I also planned on 18" length for the falls.

Step two:

Make a sheet of duct tape, silver on one side, purple on the other. This was accomplished by laying overlapping strips of tape and sticking them to themselves. I started by laying one silver strip sticky side up, then attached another silver strip (sticky side up) onto it leaving about 1/8th inch overlap (exact measure here isn't important, but don't overlap too much). Then I stuck a purple piece over top of it (sticky side down).

Finished sheet of duct tape

The first piece is important, make sure it is at least 1 inch wider than you want a finished product (18" wide was my finished so my first piece was 19" wide). As you progress always make sure you are at least as wide as the previous piece. Usually I cut my pieces progressively longer so they stick out on both sides - but I'm not perfect, so some are short on one side and some are super long. As long as they are 'at least' as wide as your first piece it doesn't matter.

For length, I took my 18" fall length and added about a foot (I trimmed this to proper size later, but I wanted to make sure there was enough for a proper grip) - overall that makes my current sheet roughly 19" x 30". In some places it was 22" x 30" - not a big deal.

Step Three: (optional)

At this point I felt the weight of the tape and it felt too flimsy for me. To remedy that I added another layer of purple tape perpendicular to the first layer. I considered doing another layer of silver tape as well, but didn't think that was necessary. By alternating layers you can get this to be as thick/heavy as you want.

Step Four: (I used a square here to keep my cuts straight, if you don't have a square make sure you are measuring three or four times, then cutting once)

Trim to size. I ended up cutting a few inches off each side. At the bottom my purple piece had overlapped the bottom of the silver, and I just folded it up and back instead of trimming it. I started with my top edge, that I knew was straight and even and cut from there. I'd already decided I wanted an 18" x 30" sheet, trim to your own size.

Step Five:

I had planned for the purple to be my 'outside' of the falls, so I flipped my sheet over to mark on the silver. Always mark on the 'inside' especially if you're using permanent black marker. Using washable marker might be a good plan, but I didn't have one on hand.

Now first mark the line of the end of your falls straight across your sheet. My line was at 18", beyond that was my NO CUT AREA. This is important.

Now, mark across that line for the width of your falls (mine are 1/2"). I then moved half way to the tips and make a second mark to make sure the lines would mostly be straight. Once you have the marks draw a line for each fall.

I actually trimmed my piece first, then added the second layer of purple, the sticky sides you see here are trimmed off before cutting.

Step Six:

Cut your falls. Start at the tips and cut down toward your NO CUT line. Do NOT cut beyond your line. These cuts do not have to be perfect, just make sure you are stopping close to the line (and not beyond).

Cut falls on the right, NO CUT line clearly marked - you can also see where I folded the purple end over

Step Seven:

Take your dowel (uncut) and set the end on your no-cut line with the length of the dowel pointing away from your falls. Then roll it so the sheet wraps around the dowel. This step is temporary so you don't have to be perfect. Once I had the handle wrapped I gripped it firmly to measure the actual length I wanted on the handle. I put my hand about 2" down from where the NO CUT line was and measured another 2" down from the bottom of my hand. Overall this made my handle approximately 8".

Trim off the bottom of the sheet to appropriate length.

Step Eight: (I used a hacksaw here, but anything that cuts wood will do fine)

Measure your dowel to size (place it on the no-cut line and mark the bottom of the sheet). Cut your dowel to this size.

Step Nine:

Optional: Braid/twist a length of tape and create a loop out of it, attach this loop to the 'handle' piece you've just cut. I skipped this step for my first attempt.

Cut a piece of tape (doesn't matter which color) and lay it sticky side up. Press one side of your sheet down (where the handle is going to go) onto it to secure it. Set your dowel onto the edge of your handle area and wrap the duct tape around it to secure it tightly. Begin rolling up your handle. It is important here to roll STRAIGHT and keep it very tight. The tighter you can get this wrap the more secure your handle will feel.

When you reach the end, use a couple pieces of tape to secure the handle in place.

Wrapped handle of flogger tightly taped together

Step Ten:

Now I used the hockey tape. If you've wrapped a hockey stick before you'll probably know how to do this, but it isn't difficult. I started up at the falls end and started wrapping around the no-cut line. I probably wrapped up about 1/2" along the cuts of the falls - I did this to keep them tightly grouped at the base and to prevent them from splitting further apart.

After two or three wraps I started moving down the handle, making sure to overlap my tape (by about 1/2 of the width of the tape) to completely cover the handle. At the bottom of the handle I wrapped around 3 or four times then pulled out a long length of the tape. With about 3 feet of tape exposed hanging off the end of the handle I spun it. The tape twists around itself and compresses into a 'twine-like' shape. Using this 'twine' I wrapped the handle in a screw pattern up to the falls, then around twice and back down crossing over my first wraps forming wide X's. (The tape isn't sticky at this point, feel free to take your time and redo this a few times if you have trouble).

Back at the base of the handle I wrapped the tape a few more times around the base, then climbed back up to the falls covering the 'twine' Xs. Make sure to press the tape down firmly and grip it as you cross the 'twine' until you can easily feel the ridges beneath the surface.

See the X shapes in the handle.

Step Eleven:

After getting the handle mostly completed I tore off the tape and firmly pressed everything down. Then I started at the base of the handle (you'll see I left about 1/4" at the end of the handle, this was just preference) and began rapidly wrapping in circles around the end to begin creating the knob (that you see above). As you are wrapping try to keep the tap centered atop itself. Every dozen wraps or so offset one wrap toward the center of the handle. This creates the slope you see on the knob toward the falls in the above picture (I forgot to do it on the end of the handle).

Once your knob is large enough for your comfort wrap the tape a few times working toward the center of the handle to create the sloping effect. Tear off the tape and firmly press everything together. Then make the knob toward the falls in the same manner. My knob is actually over top of the no-cut line, again to hold the falls more firmly together.

Since I'm off this week I feel entitled to write my weekend post on Monday. This has nothing to do with the topic, I just have been enjoying my staycation.

I was actually pleasantly surprised about our topic this week. When we discuss these things I can lay down the 'law' so to speak but it's nice to see inside her head and know how she 'took' it and what she's doing to follow the law.

So - down to it. Taking away my decision making prowess. I'm damn good at making decisions, you suggest a problem for me and I can give you an answer. So what does that have to do with a D/s relationship? Well, my girl has agreed to hand me all her major decisions. This is just another way she is subjugated to my will. Remember I talk about control? Well what better way is there to control someone than to not allow them to make their own final decisions.

Don't get me wrong, I want her to be self sufficient in some ways and to make her own minor decisions. It just becomes work if I have to decide everything for her - some micromanagement people get off on that, so don't think that my way is the only way. Back on topic ... over time we've evolved this 'asking' process so that she knows what to ask for and what to just do on her own (getting a drink of water is done on her own, deciding what clothing to wear out of the house is approved by me).

That's the control background, now the 'asking' background.

She has always had a problem when she thinks she is being a 'burden' on me. Which basically means any time she wants to ask for something she doesn't because she just wants to make my life easier and not require anything of me. This is good in a way, I mean it's her personality meshing so well with mine that makes us get along. The problem I have is that often I never know what she is thinking/feeling/wanting at any given time. We've been together for 10 years, so I can read her pretty well, but I'm not telepathic.

When does this become a problem? When I don't necessarily have a 'preference' at any given time. Ex: Often this occurs when we are shopping and she will stand in one place and look directly at something for a long time. Normally when she is admiring things she will touch them and look more closely, but when she 'really' wants something it's like she's afraid to touch it. It took a while but I discovered what this actually meant and now I use that as her 'signal' for non-verbally asking for things and will make the choice on whether to purchase it or not in that moment.

Now if you look at the above, I don't really care one way or another if I get this particular item for her. Without her indicating her interest I would never know that she actually wanted the item. If she didn't indicate her interest so that I could get it for her how would I know? In effect, if she doesn't ask me she is automatically forcing me to answer 'no'. I do say 'no', but I also say 'yes' - that is my choice.

Think of it this way, pretend someone asks you something like 'How do you like the weather?' then immediately says 'Oh, you like it just fine'. Would you appreciate being told how you felt?

Now ...

For a long time we've gone on like that, I would tell her that her opinions and requests were important to me and that she should tell me what is going on in he head (that is a whole different topic, she also had issues just indicating preference or discussing what was going on in there). I'd almost gotten to the point that I had accepted it wasn't going to change and that sometimes/often she would feel bad because in her head I had refused her requests for things.

Then, not long ago we were having a discussion about choices and it hit me. What she was really doing was taking away my ability to choose for her. By internalizing the discussion in her head and not including me she was preventing me from exercising my will on her. I think this finally hit a chord with her and made sense. It wasn't just that it was 'important' that she tell me these things, it was critical, because in a (weird) way she was controlling me by not letting me make my own decisions. She was also creating a tension and maybe even an unhappiness in her every day life that wasn't necessary and could lead to larger problems in the future.

How it's going?

Things are changing slowly, I have noticed a dramatic increase in her vocalizing things that are on her mind. She has requests, preferences, and asks for things now that before I couldn't drag out of her. I know this is difficult for her and I'm proud that she is making such a conscious effort. I am hoping that the 'effort' won't be required for long, and soon it will become habit rather than forced.

Is this something you see in your own relationship? Are you controlling like I am? Maybe this is a new way to bring up an old subject for you as well. Let me know if this works out for you as well as it worked out for me.

Sunday, 12 June 2011

There have been some discussions lately about how I've been taking choices away from my Master.

Yes, you read that right. Taking decisions and choices away from him, not the other way around.

"But I thought you were such a great slave!" you're probably thinking. Well, maybe not, but I can dream.

Here's my problem: I don't want to be any trouble. Because of that, I have a long history of not asking for the things I want. I'll think to myself, "Nah, I don't really need hair color. I can wait two more weeks. So what if it makes me miserable. I'll wait until the last second I can stand it to ask." Or, "I really want that craft item/orgasm/piece of chocolate... but it's too expensive/too much trouble." I won't ask. In my own way, I was choosing not to ask because I thought that was my little way of making life easier for my Master.

The problem was, I was also taking away his opportunity to choose. I was making the decision in his place that I didn't deserve whatever thing it was I wanted. He might say yes, he might say no, but I was choosing no in his place. I didn't even realize that I was doing it. I had never placed it in that context, mentally, for myself. I was shocked.

This happens in bed, too. I mentioned orgasms earlier, but the truth is, all around I give very little feedback, because I am constantly striving to be pleasing. So, I'll do anything he wants, and I'll generally have a very, very good time, and even if I really really wanted him to swat me with the belt or use the brush on me, or grab those nipple clamps, I would figure that when it came right down to it, since I didn't have final say, it was silly to bug him with my own wants.

Oh, but yeah. There again, I was choosing for him. He can read me pretty well, and sometimes he can figure out just from my body language what it is I want or need, but in that case, I'm requiring him to attempt using a psychic gift and making his life harder than easier, the latter of which was actually my goal.

Oops.

This isn't to say there aren't many decisions that I hand over without a second
thought. If he chooses something for me to wear, or the perfume I use, or what I am to eat in a restaurant, I never hesitate. I would never object. But in these small things, I take away his choices, when our original agreement was that I would hand over my choices to him. By not letting him know there is even a choice being made, I am being dishonest in our relationship, in a way. Not a huge way, and probably not a destructive way, but in one of those little ways that can pile up over time and create a slow leak in your M/s dynamic which eventually becomes an overwhelming tidal wave.

How am I working on it?

Very simple. I'm trying very hard, every time we have a sexual interaction, to vocalize at least one thing I want. Whether or not I get it is not really the issue. Sometimes I even ask for more than one thing. (This doesn't include orgasms; I always have been required to ask for these, and that hasn't and won't change) Sometimes it's a toy or technique or position, whatever it is that I really want. I let him choose whether or not I'm to get it.

More often than not, there are a hundred little choices per day I can also hand over. I'm very sure that there are some he doesn't want to make. For example, I'm not going to start asking him whether I should have a Coke Zero or a Diet Coke with Lime, but I do ask him if I may have a piece of chocolate. I don't ask him if I should read this book or that book next, but I will ask him if we can watch a certain movie in the evening. I try to also do this at least once per day, making a real effort to take those internal dialogues out of my head and putting them into the open.

Are there hidden decisions you're making day to day, choices that you are taking away from your Master? Consider each time you choose not to ask, whether or not you are actually making a choice.

Friday, 10 June 2011

Lately we've been starting to rebuild our toy collection. Part of the rebuilding has included an order from Pink Cherry that we've been reviewing the last few weeks. This week I broke out the wand that my girl has been asking about for years. We've never had one, and at the price we found I couldn't pass it up. Everyone says it's the best vibrator that has ever existed.

So the order finally arrived ( a day early actually, I love actually ordering from Canadian companies ). I left it sitting in the box out in the open for my girl to lust after. She has this thing about wanting to open things right away, her patience is non-existent with some things. I use that knowledge to torture the crap out of her. If she hadn't made a good point about making sure everything had arrived safely I probably would have let it sit for a week or so just to drive her nuts.

Not a flail

As I was opening it she came over to lay with her head in my lap so she could get a view of the toys as well. This didn't prove to be a 'great' idea since while I was working on the twist tie holding the cord of the wand together I lost my grip on the wand portion and ended up swinging it like a flail directly at her head. While this may seem like a good idea to some of you other Sadists, I can say without a doubt that it was not designed with this type of 'play' in mind. It is much too top heavy to get the proper rotation for a second swing. If they shortened the handle it might work well (and it does leave a good sized knot/bruise behind).

After that I put everything away and was planning to leave the wand for last. For one, teasing her and knowing how badly she wanted to try it was a bonus. Second ... there is always that niggling worry in the back of your head that some appliance could possibly replace you - or if not replace, do something you are completely incapable of doing. I'm not afraid to admit that after all the hype I was a bit worried that it might give her orgasms that I couldn't duplicate without it. Logically I understand that I'd be the one using it on her, so I'd still be in control of those orgasms, but at the same time it isn't really 'me'.

I won't say I 'wrestled' with that idea, but it made it easier to delay pulling it out for a real use session. I'd also threatened her that when I finally did pull it out I wasn't going to stop until she really begged me to (or passed out). I think this is doubly scary to her because if she waits too long to beg she gets incoherent so the passed out was more likely. Not that she was turned off by this idea, she might also not have believed me 100% - hard to say. Usually I keep my word about stuff like that.

So - enough background, onto playtime.

I'd had a rough day and just wasn't up to 'sex' since my back wasn't co-operating and I was sick. That doesn't always kill my sex drive itself completely, so often I can get my kicks by torturing her instead. I grabbed a few clothespins and the wand, stretched her out on the bed and started to work on her body. I don't think she saw the wand at first - I wanted to tease her a bit before we got really down to business with the wand.

When I had her squirming around on the bed I pulled it out and turned it on. There was a look that ran over her face that was part fear and part anticipation - I love looks like that. I let her get used to the 'low' setting while I rubbed it over her body, then slid it between her legs. I wasn't sure what to expect, but even with all the hype I wasn't let down. Her eyes rolled back and she almost immediately fell over the edge of an orgasm. Awesome.

Bzzzzzzzz

When she was done I turned it off and gave her a bit of a cool down period before starting up again. I'd say within 30 seconds she was ready to go again. From there I tried varying the intensity (high/low) and pressure (harder/softer). There wasn't really much variation in results. The low setting brought on rapid orgasms, and the high setting was like 'insta-gasm'.

She also gets very sensitive after an orgasm (her clit especially) so leaving the wand on and focusing on her clit with it right after she had just came brought on pain and another orgasm almost immediately. I'm curious to explore and find the point where the pain becomes too much for her and is no longer worth the reward. We'll likely be seeing that in the future, I'll just have to make sure I tie her down first.

True to my word I didn't stop until she begged. I was right though, she was completely incoherent. I only knew she was begging me to stop because 'Master' had turned to 'Daddy' with a slight whine. She admitted afterward that she was begging Daddy to save her from the mean Master - that tickles me.

As a tip for use - don't just leave it sitting in one spot. When I did that the sensation didn't seem to build. Rubbing it both in circles or up and down seemed to do the trick. Also varying the pressure made a difference, the light touch must feel quite different from the firm press.

Thursday, 9 June 2011

I've wanted one of these babies for years. It was the Hogtied videos that did it. All those lovely orgasms being forced on beautifully bound and beaten women. There was one in particular that I recall of a French girl, who had been teased for ages, then tied with a wand attached between her legs and flogged. She couldn't stop orgasming during the flogging. Oh, how I ached to be her, right there in the middle of that seeming tsunami of sensation. It looked positively amazing.

We had looked around for quite a while in search of the elusive magic wand. Local stores in Calgary carried it, but with a price that began at $130 or so and only went up from there, we were not interested. No orgasm, no matter how powerful, seemed worth that much. I mean jeeze, it's only a vibe, right? You can get those for ten bucks. Finally we came across a price at Pink Cherry that we could do more than live with - we could accept wholeheartedly. For $44 and change, we could have our own crazy orgasm machine. And with free shipping, too!

When the box arrived, it sat for nearly a whole day unopened. I thought the Masterly type was crazy. I love getting packages in the mail - even if I ordered it, it's still kind of like Christmas. Finally, I convinced him that he should at least open it and make sure everything came undamaged. He agreed. I was in my usual spot with my head in his lap, which turned out to be a mistake. Let me just say this right here: The Hitachi Magic Wand is not meant to be used as a flail to beat your slavegirl about the head. Okay? Seriously. I know his hand slipped, but I had a lump on my head the next day, and it wasn't fun, just extremely startling.

Once unpacked, the wand was put away. We've reviewed other items from our order and from other places, and I was kind of anxious. There was a lot of fuss about this thing, and I'd heard so many good reviews, and I really really wanted those amazing orgasms. Finally, I found enough courage to ask the Masterly one why we hadn't tried it yet. Turned out, there was a bit of worry that I might like it better than him. Seriously, this is a valid concern for men; they can't move that fast. There was even an episode of Love Bites that recently focused on the Hitachi vibrator (called the Maserati in the show, I guess they didn't want to give a free plug!) I totally get it. If the Masterly one wanted to get one of those fake va-jay-jay fleshlight thingies I might wonder, too. Thankfully, he has no interest in those.

For me, it's just a matter of fact that he has two hands. Sometimes they're busy. It's like an attachment or extension of him when it's used. I don't plan on using it myself. Besides, I've always been very happy with our sex life and don't feel like I'm missing anything. I am, however, a sensation junkie, and like exploring different ones. This was just like trying a new flogger or paddle as far as I was concerned.

I finally decided that thinking about it was just going to get me nowhere and what I really needed to do was forget about it for a while. Later that day, after being teased almost to distraction in bed, it was whipped out. Amazing how the universe works, no? Because I had already been teased to the very edge of orgasm for a while, when I felt the cool ball of the head of the wand press against my overheated parts I almost came just from the excited anticipation of it all. Then it was switched on.

I think my eyes may have rolled back in my head. I came almost immediately. It was uncontrollable and intense. I categorize my orgasms into three classes.. no, four. There's the "ruined orgasm", which is when you're right there, stimulation stops, and you get all of the muscle contractions but none of the pleasure. Then there's the mini-orgasm, the normal orgasm, and the OMGIcamesohard orgasm, the last of which is named for what I am generally muttering afterwards. This was one of that last category. Oh. My. God.

The next little bit of time was a blur. I know that I came multiple times, but I can't tell you how many. I do know that I get extremely sensitive right after an orgasm, and that's when the Hitachi Wand becomes a torture device rather than yay-yay-happy-time toy. The vibration is truly intense, and unlike other vibrators I've worked with. The movement within the device seems more controlled, and stronger, without the "jittery" feeling some vibes produce. The low speed is enough to provoke remarkable feelings, and when kicking it onto high speed, you could pretty much guarantee an orgasm within a minute for me. Then again, I've never been a "hard cum" - I'm pretty responsive most of the time, and am not super hard to get over the edge (again, most of the time... there have been moments I had a hard time concentrating or letting go and it took longer, but I think it's that way for everyone now and again). I do think that the extreme intensity of the vibration would overcome just about anything else going on in your head at any time. If you do have a hard time concentrating, this is so incredibly overwhelming that it's difficult to process anything else going on at the moment.

Afterwards, physically, I felt a little strange. I've heard that when left in place for too long, the magic wand can create numbness, but it wasn't exactly numbness that I felt. Instead, I felt incredibly swollen, overheated, soaking wet, and exhausted. Physically, it was as though we'd been going at it for hours and hours, when I knew in reality it hadn't been very long at all (the thing works quick!). I didn't think I could handle another orgasm at that point without turning into a babbling, incoherent idiot (then again, maybe I was already there... it can be hard to tell in that moment). I do know that I might have cried if it had been turned back onto me at that point.

But I can't wait to do it again.

I think that it is a remarkable tool for forced orgasms. During one of the "torture" phases, when I was overly sensitive and the wand remained in place, I came exhaustively hard - another one of those last-category-of-orgasm orgasms - and it almost felt as though it were being ripped through my body instead of my body conducting the waves of pleasure. It was a very out-of-control feeling that I absolutely loved.

I had heard some talk about how loud the vibrator was, including some talk comparing it to a jackhammer on Fetlife (waves and loves to Chremes and rawr for that one...) but I didn't find it extraordinarily loud or anything. I don't think the neighbors would hear it, but if we had a roommate that might be a different story. It wasn't loud enough for me to find it distracting, at least, but then my mind was kind of occupied at the time, so your mileage may vary. If you're living at home with curious parents or something, you might want to play some music to cover up the noise, as well as the moans and groans and screams of pleasure you'll have a hard time controlling under this thing's influence.

I think it was well worth the price, and will see a lot of play in our house. I love that it plugs in instead of using batteries; we seemed to always have the bad luck that whatever toy we wanted to play with had dead batteries in it, which meant interrupting a scene to look for that giant costco pack of batteries that we had trouble finding storage for. Finally, at the back of the pantry or on top of the bathroom cabinet we'd come up with a pack of 40 AAAs and 34 Cs to find we needed four AAs for this particular toy. Ugh. By then we'd both have lost our groove. Since this plugs into the wall, there's no last minute scramble, and even better, there's no dying of vibration as the battery runs out just as you're approaching orgasm. I swear, some of my old toys were sadistic in and of themselves.

This would be a great toy for the solo/single player, but can also have great benefits for playing in pairs. What an incentive for giving a great blow job! I can't wait to try it during a flogging or spanking, too. Overall, a terrific investment and a fabulous add to the toy box.

Wednesday, 8 June 2011

A form of something like this has come up for us a few times in our relationship. In your every day life there aren't many things that are as necessary as using the bathroom. Having to get permission before doing such can be almost as extreme as getting permission to breathe - because there really is a point where you either have to do it, or something bad is going to happen.

I don't remember exactly how things turned out in the past - I do remember that it didn't go well, and for a while I just assumed it was something that wasn't going to work for us. Then, one day, my girl brought it up again as something we should try integrating into our dynamic. Generally I'm always up to attempting control over another part of her life.

I had to think about it though, since I'd be the one 'in charge' I had to come up with the rules and protocol that we were going to follow and make it something that we could both live with. I always try to keep things simple, so our rules are the same way. If we're in the same room she has to ask me to leave it. At home she always has to ask to go to the bathroom even if we're in separate rooms. If we're chatting on messenger she has to ask me to leave the computer - after 15 minutes if she hasn't gotten an answer she has permission to go because I'm obviously busy.

Why?

Well there are always multiple reasons - the main one for me is the control. Any time I can withhold permission for her to do something is another time I can exercise my control over her and have her show her submission to my will. I think something a lot of people miss because of the huge sexual focus is that (especially) D/s doesn't have to have anything to do with sex.

With that control I get a reaction - that reaction can either be relief and gratitude because I've given permission, or it can shock and indignation when I refuse. Interestingly saying 'no' brings about a 'how dare you' kind of reaction more often than not. Usually followed by an exasperated huff. I find it cute, which I think makes her even more exasperated.

I've noticed that depending on what we're doing that desperation of 'I MUST' go right -now- seems to come on at different speeds. Putting her on a clock really doesn't do much good. So far I'm still trying to get a 'feel' for how things go, since it hasn't been that long since we started again I haven't started to probe too deeply into this yet.

Also - I admit that I have to keep my amusement contained after flipping over to my MSN window at work and seeing a string of messages over a 15 minute span of time that move from 'asking' quickly into 'begging' then 'desperation' as she realizes that no matter what she says I'm probably not going to come back in time to tell her to go and shes going to have to wait.

The sexual arousal thing from pressing on the G-spot doesn't really dominate my thinking. I see it as a side effect and mild benefit. I didn't even know anything about it until my girl mentioned omorashi to me - I think that's actually what started the conversation in the first place.

How's it work?

I touched on things briefly - normally face to face there is the 'surprise' that I say 'no'. Now I say no just to get the face (guess my secret is going to be out on that one now). I still find it kind of funny that this is something she asked for and when I exercise the control (rather than just giving instant permission) she get that 'I want to cross my arms and tap my foot' body language going.

Again - I haven't tested the limits much (at least not on purpose). The other day she got pretty desperate while waiting for the 15 minutes while I was at work (she'd waited too long to ask in the first place). The problem with testing limits is I'm not really interested in cleaning up accidents, and I don't want her to get cramps from holding it in too long. Neither of those things are fun, or sexy. Well ... accidents might happen, but that would be a specific instance, and not something I'd want as a 'real' accident. Also - when you think about it - a lot of the time you're going to the bathroom before doing an activity, and making her wait is also making me wait to perform said activity (going out to dinner, or for a walk, having sex).

It can be a trip, but it's a double 'hit' for me. I love control, and I love desperation and begging. If you're like me, this is definitely something you should take a look at.

Tuesday, 7 June 2011

One of the most intimate activities of humans is that which takes place in the bathroom. We close doors for a reason. Potty training reinforces the control we're to have in this area, and as we learn to become self-sufficient human beings, we begin to control our own bathroom use and the privacy therein.

Unless.

Unless of course, you are a slave, who hands all decisions over to her Master, and he decides that he'd like to use control over your bathroom use as one way to assert his ownership over you.

To be fair, this is actually something I requested in our lives. It is, to me, a very intimate way of connecting to your slave, and to her animal instincts and urges. As a pet owner, I control when my dog gets to go outside to do her business; if I'm busy, even if she asks nicely, she may have to wait a few minutes. Why should it be any different for me, as a slave animal, when my owner is around?

Our rules around bathroom use are simple; if we are in the same room, I must ask to leave the room (which includes going to the bathroom), if he is home, I must ask to use the bathroom, and if we have messenger open on the computer while he is at work, I must ask to use the bathroom. In the case of him being at work, if there is no answer, I am to wait fifteen minutes and then go. Sometimes I wait longer, just because I'd rather wait for him to return. Sometimes, if I am involved in something and don't ask until the need is urgent, that fifteen minutes is pure agony.

So, what's fun about it?

Well, other than the basics of being controlled, squirming desperate begging girls are one of my Master's biggest turn-ons. Sometimes I think he loves seeing the ever-more-desperate messages on IM when I really have to go and he's away working. (I like to beg the fifteen minutes away just in case he comes back to have mercy early). The visual aspect, in person, is not to be easily dismissed either. Wriggling around and squeezing your thighs together can look remarkably similar to sexual arousal in some respects.

Desperation can come on quickly or slowly, depending on how much liquid has been consumed, and of course a slave is very vulnerable to torture when in this position, either by being forced to drink more liquid, or by pressing on her already full bladder. It's a great time for humiliation as well, and imagine the horror at being taken out in public while incredibly desperate!

Additionally, a full bladder presses on the interior of the G-spot, so that pressure from an increasingly enlarged and full bladder can cause sexual arousal. Who'd have thought? Well, the Japanese for one, who have a whole fetish, omorashi, revolving around women with full bladders. They have a game show about it, where girls compete to hold out the longest, and it has a huge anime/manga subculture attached to it. Just think, all those desperate girls who only need to find the right Dom to beg for their release from! Oh, bathroom release of course. We'll have to talk about begging for the other kind of release another time.

So, what's it like in practice?

It can be intense. It can be a big turn-on, though it's hard for me to define whether it's giving over control that sets my motor humming or whether it's the physical sensation of that press on the G-spot. There is definitely some sort of physical component involved, though it may be friction from all the squirming and the concentration on muscle control. I don't enjoy holding it so long that I end up with cramps, or so long that I completely lose control, though who knows if Master will push me that far some day. The thought both frightens and excites me.

It's important to be aware that if you are prone to frequent kidney or bladder infections, have a UTI, or kidney disease, or any other disorder where holding your urine could cause medical problems that bathroom use control is not for you. Like any other BDSM activity, your own mental and physical health should come before kink. It helps if you do regular kegel exercises, which will greatly increase both your control and your comfort.

If you're unsure, give it a try on a limited basis. It might be your thing, and you might like that squirmy intensity.

Monday, 6 June 2011

I guess part of this weekend is for my benefit. Generally if I tell people I'm shy and get nervous around new people they don't believe me. Why? Generally because it's the build up that makes me nervous, not that actual actions. I'm comfortable just 'being myself' and I let people take me as they find me. This usually gives me a bit of a laid back attitude when we're out in public. I also know how hard it is to put yourself out there and say hello, so I'm usually the first one to do that (I know that may seem counter intuitive, but I try to make life easier on other people not harder).

One of the things that had come up in conversation between me and my girl a lot was going out to 'munches'. Now the first time she mentioned this I won't tell you what was going through my head. Saying it's a 'kinky brunch' kind of thing didn't help. I will admit I was picturing plates being naked submissives and some kind of entertainment featuring other kinds of kinky play out in public. I mean, what do these people do in public anyway?

Where we used to live it wasn't an option, so I never had to 'really' figure that out. I contented myself in the explanation and did my best to learn from what I could research on my own online (and what I could pick up from my girl, being as she was more experienced than me). This worked out, but only to a certain point. It's hard when you don't have anyone to talk with. Not just for someone to go to with issues or problems, but even to discuss regular activities - they also just might have interests you've never heard of that might interest you as well.

A few years ago we moved, and it's taken a while to get back on our feet after what happened. Now that we're both in a good place in our lives we've started to explore more of our 'kinky' relationship ideas. Part of that actually included creating this blog to share our experiences with other people (whenever I protest that I couldn't possibly have anything to teach she reminds me that we've been together in a TPE relationship for 10 years, which is some kind of accomplishment).

She has continued to bug me about getting out a meeting people. Lately I have actually started to feel a bit depressed, not having friends and not really having the capacity to get out and meet vanilla people. I think part of it comes from my honesty issues. I hate having to hide part of who I am from people - it just never feels right. I have to do that with my family (not that they don't 'know' what I am into, they just conveniently forget or don't want to hear about it so I don't try to force it on them).

So I finally gave in. We went to a MAsT meeting, which after she explained things to me sounded the least threatening place to start. A dedicated discussion group with a set of topics that I actually had an opinion on. On the drive there I remember my stomach twisting all around and having to remind myself that I'm awesome and usually don't have trouble getting along with people. I think part of my nervousness stemmed purely from the fact that I didn't know where to go, or what to do when I got there. I always hate not knowing, because I detest looking like an unprepared fool (so I like to prepare as much as possible - practice practice).

The meeting actually went quite well. We met a ton of new people. My second problem enters here since I can't remember that many new people's names at once. I could point them all out on the street, but names - forget it. Fortunately I'm not the only one, people are direct with me (they say they won't remember my name next time) so I say the same to them. We all laugh, it's great.

I think this weekend musings stems from the conversations I'd seen lately with people who are uncomfortable with going to these public functions for whatever reason. Many of them indicate that they do things in private and don't want to do them in public. I understand more of the people who have had bad experiences and don't want to put themselves out there. What I really don't understand are the people who play purely online and have no interest in the real life aspects at all.

So - YMMV, but I'd like to describe my experiences as a 'first time ever' attending these things.

Group Meetings:

I'll start here since this was the first thing we did (the MAsT meeting). This was actually a fantastic place to get started, it was easy to meet everyone. We arrived early because I wanted to be there while other people were arriving so we didn't suddenly walk into a room full of people who all knew each other and were already conversing. I think this might be a good plan for you other first timers. It gave us the opportunity to meet couples one at a time and kind of get used to the experience.

The meeting was a discussion forum so I made sure to speak up when there was something I had an opinion on or when I just wanted to agree with something being said. I knew it was just as important for me to get to know all of them as it was for them to get to know me. I think it also helped my girl feel more comfortable because she added some of her own comments as the meeting wore on.

The meeting we went to had no specific 'protocols', basically you did whatever you felt comfortable with. One of the slaves knelt by her Master's feet. I think partly to make room (the seating space wasn't that large), and partly because it's something we enjoy (and there are comfy throw pillowS) next time my girl will sit at my feet as well.

Everyone was wearing casual clothing, there were a few collars, but I don't even think anyone was wearing leather. It was a comfortable environment (not that you 'can't' wear whatever you want, the only requirement is that you arrive in street clothing and wear it outside if you have to leave for a moment).

After the meeting everyone broke up for idle chat time. Since we didn't really know anyone we started to say our goodbyes and I was on my way out when we were stopped and invited out to more events, one of them was a public play party, and others were munches. We're both also active on Fetlife.com so we got some names to add to our friends list (which then turned into people to ask for more information about 'where' to go to meet more people).

I think it was a highly successful night all around, and couldn't justify my nervousness on the way there after meeting everyone. They were all very friendly, open, and non-judgemental.

Munches:

Have you ever gone out to eat with a bunch of your friends? I'm sure you have. This is absolutely no different. Other than some of your friends have invited their friends (who you don't know). We've met a TON of people at these. I pride myself on remembering two or three new names each time we go out.

I was again nervous at our first munch, but I had gotten seating directions and we had met the organizer at the MAsT meeting so I knew who to look for if we looked lost.

The second munch we tried to attend we didn't know anyone specific who was going and didn't have seating directions. So after looking inside and not recognising anyone we went elsewhere for dinner. I didn't feel comfortable asking around to see where the group who met there was located. I still chalk this up to my nerves and I still feel bad that I couldn't overcome it, but there you have it.

After that blunder I made sure to get seating directions and know someone who would be there for sure, then know what time they were planning to be there so we could arrive after them and be able to join the group. Like I said, I like to be prepared. If you can't meet someone in real life before attending one of these I personally would recommend at least meeting someone online who can tell you where to go and hopefully look for you to arrive so they can introduce you.

In general - these are all at vanilla locations. It is the same as meeting your friends anywhere else for dinner. Everyone is in casual attire, there is no protocol, and everyone is quite friendly. There are also rules in place about ordering other people around so if you're submissive you don't have to worry about crazy Dominants getting in your face. People are actually there to help and protect you, not prey on you.

Play Parties:

We've now been to a formal one of these and an informal one. By formal I mean in a 'dungeon' with useful furniture. The informal one was at a friend's house (that we met at one of the munches).

Again I was nervous about my first one of these, I had no idea what to expect. I'm not judgemental, but I'm experienced to know that some kinky people are 'really' kinky. I also didn't know what was going to be expected of me, how things would be set up, who was going to be there, or what I was going to do. I also have nothing to wear - it's awful.

Since black was acceptable that was what I decided on, I have a nice cotton tunic and dress pants in black. Not long ago I made my girl a rope collar, which I am quite fond of, so she had something to go around her neck, but is also short on other 'fetish' wear. Black would have to do for her.

I also wanted to make an effort to appear 'kinky' so I came up with the idea of tying her in a rope corset over her clothing. Not something you see everyday, so definitely would count as 'kinky'. It went off perfectly - though next time I think I'll do my rope work at the party so people can watch ... some of them actually requested it.

Neither of us are really interested in playing in public, at least not the type of playing that we do at home. In general I've heard most of the parties are 'no sex' zones, so that kind of thing doesn't happen anyway. Some of the furniture is very tempting though - these are things you just don't have at home. Spanking benches, whipping frames, poles, a rotating circular wheel ...

I mention the public play because one of the things we 'can' do relatively safely is rope bondage, and since that's one of the things I quite enjoy we'll probably be doing it more often.

At the informal party we also had the opportunity to play with some toys that we just didn't have the money (or skill) to get on our own. Basically I got a 1-on-1 instructor led intro to a few things, that isn't something you can find online, and it's given us some new things to try on our own and purchase when we can.

In general - the clothing varied from wrapped on latex to a (very cute) kitty outfit, to jeans and a leather vest. There were tables set up to sit at and socialize (most of the reason we were there) and the dungeon area was separate enough that you could see what was going on and not be close enough to interrupt with your conversation. Everyone was more than friendly, we met a few new people are were not pushed to do anything we didn't want to do. I think this would be an intimidating place to 'begin' your introduction to the public scene, meeting people first might be a good idea so you're more comfortable with them. You are also fully protected here from anyone trying to prey on you, and (I've heard) these are fantastic places to 'play' with a new partner. There are DMs who circulate making sure everyone is safe while using the equipment.

Workshops:

We haven't been to any of these yet, but there are things I will not do until someone teaches me how to do them. This included fire play (which we've recently had an intro in), electrical play, and play piercing (among many other things). Now that we're in a place that we can attend workshops I'm thrilled, these are less of a place to meet people socially as they are somewhere to learn about something new that you can take home and make use of yourself.

Since we haven't been to any of these yet I'll have to be brief, but from what I've heard they're very casual, and everything is instructor driven, from the lecture to the practice.

To Conclude:

I still don't understand why people wouldn't use these avenues of both expression and access to new friends. I know that being 'online' may seem easier, and the fantasy is great, but there isn't any substitution for real life. There also isn't any substitution for the comfortable feeling you can get from sitting around a table of people who won't judge you and discussing the benefits of different spanking toys and how they differ in both damage, feeling, thud and sting. I'm definitely not the most social person in the world, but even I miss that sense of community and belonging.

You also don't have to take my word for it, there are groups everywhere. Find a local one and just try it, once. Make sure to stop back and thank me when you have a great time.