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GLENNON
DOYLE

Why the World Needs The Mentally Different

April 13, 2015

What do you want people who love and serve the mentally ill to know?

Okay. I’m not really allowed to say what I’m about to say. In public, we people who are mentally ill are supposed to hang our heads and only speak of our challenges as things we want “fixed” for fear of folks accusing us of “glamorizing” our condition. We’re supposed to declare that our way of being is dangerous and wrong and everyone else’s way is better and we are supposed to want to join the troops and fall into line. And so those who love us are confused and angry when we are resistant to getting help, to taking our meds, to being “cured.” Every other sufferer of a disease wants to get better, why don’t you?

I’ll tell you why.

Because sometimes we understand that our inability to accept and live resignedly in the world we’ve been born into is chemical and personal and that we need help integrating. We hang our heads and say: It’s not you, world—it’s me. I’ll get help. I need to get better.

But other times—we turn on the news or watch closely how people treat each other and we silently raise our eyebrows and think: Actually, maybe it’s not me. Maybe it’s you, world. Maybe my inability to adapt to the world is not because I’m crazy but because I’m paying attention. Maybe it’s not insane to reject the world as it is. Maybe the real insanity is surrendering to the world as it is now. Maybe pretending that things around here are just fine is no badge of honor I want to wear.

We addicts—we have rejected the world as it is. We left the big world and started hiding inside the small world of addiction for a reason. So inviting us back into the world as it is — it’s not effective. We are too smart to rejoin a party we couldn’t stomach. And so when someone we love and trust wants to invite us out of addiction, she needs to consider what she’s inviting us INTO. Okay—you want me to come out of here…but into WHAT? Because when we peek out of our world and into yours; when we look out and see everybody still shooting at each other—literally and figuratively—we think: no thank you. I’ll just take my chances in here.

I know that I needed to be invited not only out of addiction, but into a movement to change the world. I needed to join folks working to turn this planet into a gentler, saner, safer, more vivid place in which folks with wide-open eyes and tender hearts might survive and thrive. This is why the moment I stepped out of the world of addiction, I stepped into family, faith, art, service, and activism. I stepped into worlds of purpose.But I did not give up my resistance to the world as it is. I did not say: FINE, I’ll come back. I said: Fine,I’ll come back, but I’m coming back with a mission. I’m not stepping back into the matrix. I’m going to join the special forces who are trying to free everybody from it. Because yes, I’ve got these conditions—anxiety, depression, addiction—and they almost killed me. But they are also my superpowers. I’m the canary in the mine and you need my sensitivity because I can smell toxins in the air that you can’t smell, see trouble you don’t see and sense danger you don’t feel. My sensitivity could save us all. And so instead of letting me fall silent and die — why don’t we work together to clear some of this poison from the air?

What we who are mentally different need is respect. We know we need help managing our mental differences, but what we ask for is a shift in your approach to helping us. Instead of coming at us with the desire to change us because we are inconvenient to the world—come at us with the desire to help us because we are important to the world. We want you to see that with a little help, we can be your prophets, healers, clergy, artists, and activists. Help us manage our fire, yes, but don’t try to extinguish us. That fire that almost killed us is the same fire we’ll use to light up the world. And so we don’t want you to take what we’ve got, we just want help learning how to use what we’ve got for good.

Let’s work together—as equals. Because we need your science and you need our poetry. Maybe we are here not just to be saved by you—but to save you back.

I just wanted to tell you burning light givers that, I’m doing my best to translate us to the world. I’m trying to be a bridge so that the people who love us can get closer to us – so that we’re not so alone in here. I’m trying to explain why we hurt the people we love and why we hurt ourselves. I’m aware that speaking for the light givers is the most important work I do. Just know that I love you and I respect you and I know how hard it is and I know how good you are in there.

Love to all the Light Givers and Love to all who’ve been burned by us.

217 Comments

I am sobbing from reading this! This is sooo spot on! I don’t have anyone who is trying to help pull me out of the darkness of my mental illness, but every time I start trying to pull myself out I just see how scary and painful and full of hate the world is. I often describe myself as a feral cat cowering in the shadows. Once in a while I’m coaxed out by something, but it all feels so foreign and dangerous, so I quickly go scurrying back into the familiarity and safety of the dark.

Have no idea if you will see this or have time to read or open anything I’m about to say. But hey let’s hope you do or I would of wasted a lot of time typing this out (well it’s good for me anyways but ya know ..) !! Haha but.. I’m just going to start.

I’m sitting here tonight after my first week of getting off of my anxiety medicine, thinking I could conquer the world letting go of something I clang onto for so long… only feeling like I did as that little girl with no control or help. I knew I needed to write, but instead I thought ” let me just go to someone who I know writes exactly what I’m feeling usually into perfect words for me, Glennon” It’s funny how we know what can help us feel better but it’s the last thing we want to do…haaha… (Laughing to ignore the truth! ) I knew reading your words would stir something in me, so I just go along to your insta to try and feel some sort of justification to how I’m feeling, because ya know, usually you perfectly justify my thoughts without me having to do any work. I like that. Stalking your insta I realize Ironically it’s mental health month so of course perfect timing am I right? Reading your words stirred something in my like usual, but I still felt sad. Not sad but that weird not okay sadness. I keep thinking about how badly I could of used your words growing up, that maybe if I heard them then, now at 20 I wouldn’t still be, I don’t know, “this” sometimes. But I think actually I heard them all at the perfect time. Now I’m going to write all I’m feeling for once while it’s actually happening ( not the whole, go through the crap and the write after you have the revelation so you can seem like the crap was worth it because of the huge revelation you got afterwards writing) & I’m sharing with you because since the beginning of this night you kept coming to my mind.
Okay writing now my actual emotions !!!

Sometimes I’m so in love with who I am. Other times I wish I was anything else not that I strive to be another person, but if I was just me and the me I feel like I was made to be, not drowning in dramatic feelings and temperamental actions. I hate admitting I’m not okay. I hate not being able to explain to the ones I love how I’m feeling or how they can help me. I hate not having control. I hate wasting perfectly good time on selfishness of how I don’t ” feel okay” for no reason at times. It’s scaring me feeling this was again. Is this my reality ? Was filling my body with those meds helping me or taking me away from the reality I need to face? Right now this is reality. I hate that we have the feeling that we have to justify why we feel pain instead of just telling the world we have it, sometimes we don’t know why we have it, we just do. Well, no more pushing away pain. Time to Feel it when it happens. No more blaming anything or anyone on how I feel or how I am.

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God, I am praying for that acceptance of others of me today. For that invisible sign that I can fit into this world. While I am literally banging and screaming in a desperate plea for God to send me someone to support me, I get a call from one of the most confusing people in my life. I hung up the phone and laughed and said out loud, “Really, God, that’s what you give me.” Back to supporting myself. Back to my frustrations. Back to trying to find some comfort in a device that just wastes a lot of time usually (the computer). Instead I see this. I am three days from my own public speaking about mental illnesses and I am begging just to hold on to be able to do that. I couldn’t hold on the last time I was scheduled. And the wonderful woman at the library when I was brave enough to ask to reschedule, said yes, definitely. There are people out there, I just need to find more of them. Because this “problem” isn’t going away any time soon and I need to feel love and support in order to make it through not more shame and guilt. Maybe the world can’t understand and maybe I resent having to teach them sometimes, but maybe it is my job to teach them all that I can about how to just be with someone who is mentally ill and that it’s not contagious!

Jenn, I am praying that you may not simply hang on but that you will climb higher, shine brighter, and thrive! I recently performed a song in public about mental health issues. I was terrified to do it, but after I did, a girl followed me to the parking lot and cried. She told me my song was the first honest thing she’d ever heard and that I made her not feel alone in feeling the way she did. Keep speaking! Keep reaching out! There are people who need to hear your voice!
-Loren

Glennon! I am up way too late, in my messy, dirty room, with my little, intense, amazing crazy head spinning. I was just tickling my 9 year old’s back to try to get him to sleep, as I went through all the ways I failed him and his 13 year old brother in their lives. They didn’t ask for an addicted, bipolar mom, but they sure as hell got one. I’ve made a million and ten wrong decisions. I keep a messy, dirty house no matter how much I try to clean my heart out. I’ve kept myself in therapy and treatment programs for the past 8 years and I am soooo much better than the suicidal, pill poppin’ mama they started out with. I’m sober; I work two jobs; I love them as they came to me (no change needed, just guidance) and sometimes I can’t help, but go back and ache for them. When they were little, I would set their breakfast out the night before, because I knew they would wake up long before me. Just thinking about it is keeping me awake tonight.. But I will be kind, ask God to keep leading me and let me get some sleep. I’m doing the best I can. I love you and your honest heart. Just being able to write that out and send it into the universe helps. It really does. God bless you for creating a space where we all can be authentic and open. I know your world is a little shaken up like a snow globe, but it’s not just yours’. We are all doing okay. I promise. God loves us all so much. Especially his sweet, sensitive, “challenging” ones.

I think the best we can do for our kids – what they really want – is to be seen and loved for who they are – and you are doing that in spades. GOOD JOB, Mama. We all fall down 1,000 times (sometimes in one day), and we (you) are part of their journey. They will be richer, more compassionate people because they are loved by you.

You must be an amazing mom that even in the most difficult times, you thought of your kids and left breakfast out for them. Kids are resilient and they are lucky to have such a kind and thoughtful mom.

it has been my experience, having dwelled near rock bottom, that some of the kindest, most generous people swim about there.

i experienced more generosity from those who had nothing than the people i knew who were “making in” in the middle class.

i have a mental illness. i struggle. some days are good. some are horrifically bad. i have worked as a peer support specialist in the mental health field. i have helped people and learned and grown in knowing them. and i have learned that if you are still and simply be with someone, you will find things in common and you have the ability to love every single person, no matter their income or illness or housing situation.

First, I want to offer my prayers to Michelle. God bless you. It is so very hard – and I say this from personal experience times 2. I have 2 adult children, both diagnosed seriously mentally ill. I thank God that their mental challenges have cycled at opposite times; just ONCE they overlapped slightly….and I said aloud, “Nope. Only one may wig out on me today. Choose and let me know.” Not my best parenting moment, but it was MY truth.
Michelle, I will pray strength for you – in the moment now and later on for courage to reach out and get some respite. I hope you have an opportunity to get away from home and have YOU time. This mental illness thing isolated me and I lost myself – hey, I still lose myself! Reconnect with the world outside of the illness and refill your heart.
Glennon – thank YOU for this posting! One wise psychiatrist once shared with me that she felt these neuro differences (talking about Autism Spectrum & Aspergers) may be components of a newer type of brain – kind of like an evolution! 🙂
What a nice, positive view!

As a mom to an autistic son, I thank you for these words. So often in representing for him I have to step back and question whether it is his behavior that needs changing or whether he is actually seeing deeper into a situation than others might expect. Being willing to meet him where he is at, to look at he world through his eyes, has taught me a lot and I will be forever grateful for the insights I have gained through him.

I have also been thinking along these same lines. I googled “canary in a coalmine” today – because that is also what I sense is going on (with having bipolar 2 and also the adult adhd. I’m 51 yrs old, so that may also play into who I am, and the disfunction/pretend world I am expected to strive towards. To me it is like toxic fumes.(that could take out this “canary” quickly)

So grateful, to read your comments. and I am inspired by your closing words.

“Let’s work together—as equals. Because we need your science and you need our poetry. Maybe we are here not just to be saved by you—but to save you back.”

Bravo! Until everyone gets that our neurodifferences are also the source of strength and resiliencies, “illness” will be the focus with ineffective pharma treatments the norm. Children especially deserve specialized protocols, education, “brain training” options and time to develop strategies that work–such programs exist, but as usual, only the wealthy can afford the them. Thus the reductive use of pills continues, without much research support for finding/ developing non-pharma practices that work. A mental health ” work out” program that could be widely disseminated in the public domain doesn’t generate income for the medical/industrial complex….

Mostly overlooked too are the gut and hormone issues that can be the source and/or exacerbate symptoms. Toxic exposure, which is everywhere and in everything, can too. The myth of chemical imbalance persists–the brain experiencing mania, rage, love or Satori looks different chemically because that is how the brain operates for us to experience/feel those states.

Functionality instead of blanket pathologizing needs to be the focus. Study the minds and practices of spiritual masters, bipolar CEOs, etc to distinguish how they occur as functional vs. thoseof us debilitated by symptoms. People with neurodifferences matter, and there would be a missing in what it means to be human if they were not here to express it. Living well is possible with or without symptoms, but it demands thinking outside the box about how we view and manage mental health to transform.

Exceptionally well put, I am of the same mind with all you have stated, however, I am especially interested in the study of “successful” individuals and how they remain functional with their symptoms. I spend the majority of my time on the debilitated side of the spectrum with few hard fought periods of functionality and am constantly searching for education and tools to help swing the pendulum back to a majority of functional time.
The information gleaned from an in-depth study on habits and thought processes of exceptional people would be of tremendous value to society. Thank you again for your thoughtful comments!

I have a son diagnosed with bipolar 2. I’m seeing NONE of “canary in the mine”. I’m seeing destructive behavior, intense agitation, downright mean, door slamming, yelling, screaming, horrendous behavior, with cognitive difficulties …. I’m not seeing someone able to cope. And he’s on his meds most of the time. Instead, I’m seeing us as parents sinking. I’m seeing siblings listening to/seeing this on a regular basis and being hurt by it.

We are parents who have “been there” through thick and thin for this kid. We have a great medical team. We are doing a great job. But I am NOT SEEING the canary in the mine. I’m seeing someone who is tripping his teammates.

I’m 35 with bi polar 2. It took years to control it on my Own. He doesn’t understand at all what he is doing. It’s not a action based brain funtion. Its a cemical imbalance. Plus there is other things that can be invovled like ADHD. I’m not saying you are at all doing anything wrong or doctors are either. But with his hormones and body changes so rapidly in adolescent the cemestry is going to be off balance alot. It’s going to take changes to his meds quite a bit. Keep him on themat ALL times. Be paient and keep working on him. Please don’t give up. He will learn and love from you knowing you will never give up on him will do a world of good. Look up statistics on suicide on bi polar men its really high. They never learn how to control them selfs and love and preservernce isnt there and they give up. Most kill them selves. Please don’t give up. God bless. My prayers will be with you.

It’s very hard to watch him be kind to his friends and horrendous to us. That seems so NOT CHEMICAL IMBALANCE. It seems like choice. When the actions from a chemical imbalance only affect him when he’s annoyed … it’s rough. I get that he has the equivalent of PMS times a billion regularly. I get a lot of it actually. Our psychiatric provider regularly compliments us on how we interact with him. But I also get VERY VERY tired. Because he is so incredibly MEAN to us all. Mean. Mean. Mean. And we have to be the mature ones … because we aren’t mentally ill or different or what have you (I know… it’s all a continuum … no one is truly “normal”). But the truth is … because I happen to be on the continuum of “normal” … I have to be the all powerful mature one who must be perfect or he’ll kill himself. That is such an enormous amount of pressure to handle.

Thank you for your strength. As the “mean” child, it means a lot that parents like you are willing to put in the effort. My early years before I understood my bipolar were rough and I was definitely not a pleasant person to be around. Ive since “grown out of it” and know how to behave as a proper person. There is hope out there 🙂

Also common with Bipolar 2 is Borderline Personality Disorder which makes you appear to be a “rapid cycler” because you can go up and down and back up all within minutes sometimes (even when I’m in meetings). While BP2 is treated with the correct cocktail of meds that does take a while to find, BPD is only treatable by cognitive therapy, which since BP2 tend to be med non-compliant often won’t finish unless they are able to identify just HOW important that particular class is and how it will help THEM and the family unit when completed. And it isn’t unheard of that we must take it twice to be able to retain all the nuances and really make it work in our lives, but oh is it worth it, to have people ARGUE that you can’t possibly have a Mental Illness like that. 🙂

Oh, Michele, I KNOW. These years are so hard. We’ve been there. I know each case is different, but for us – it did get better, but we went through our daughter being abusive and hateful (wretched is the word I mostly used). On top of the confusing diagnoses, watching her be kind to others and horrid to us made it hard to be sympathetic, but I assumed that she was a living pressure cooker, and we were her safe vent. I wish I could give you a hug, because I know how lonely it feels, but remember this – you are not alone, there is an army of moms and dads who can relate, and I hope you have a community in person to help you through this tough season.

Very cognizant and timely reply, Dawn. My own experience was that the most important thing I did to help my son endure and ultimately control his explosive rages or suicidal thoughts, was to always, ALWAYS, remind him that I would never ever ever give up on him. We would move through the journey together. I had so many friends and family members telling me to let “the professionals” handle it, and telling me to step aside.

Yes, we did benefit from the help provided by medical professionals, (and for a while, medication helped, too), but it isn’t the doctors who are going to be there for him at 3 a.m. when things feel desperate or out of control. Yes, it can be difficult to live within the chaos. Please give yourself small pockets of peace to help ease the burden. Remember that this is temporary. It will not always be this way.

Keep loving him. Just keep loving him. And believe that there will be a point at some time in the future when you will be looking back at this time and giving yourself (and him) a pat on the back for continuing to move through it. It can be exhausting and frightening, and it can turn your world upside down, but once the smoke clears, and you both realize you finally found your way through the chaos of the disease, you will finally exhale, and find peace.

Don’t give up. We will pray for your family. We will use our collective positive energy to help you work through it. Thank you for being a parent who is willing to fight for their child’s mental health. So many parents become overwhelmed and tap out. Just keep loving him (and keep finding your own pockets of peace, even if only a momentary respite from the chaos). The day will come that this will be a memory, and you will rejoice and be grateful that you were able to continue loving him, despite all the destructive behaviors. My son is 37 now, and holds a very responsible job. He found a loving mate, and helped raise her son (who experienced similar issues).

Don’t give up. Believe in the possibility that things will improve. And just keep loving him. Sending strength and hugs to you today (and tomorrow, and beyond). Thanks for being honest about how difficult it can be when you are in the trenches. My son’s worst years were between ages 8 and 20, but when things started turning around for him, it was like witnessing a miracle I didn’t know I’d been praying for. Over a period of several years, he learned how to control his rage, his bursts of anger, and all the outrageous ways he disrupted every part of our lives. Even though I constantly tell him it isn’t necessary, he still hasn’t quit apologizing (over and over and over again).

Please do whatever you can to help yourself push through this difficult time. And just keep loving him. It really will get better, and life really will get easier. I know it might be hard to believe that today, but you can count on it being true. My son was deemed “irreparably broken”, but that was not the truth. He just needed some extra time to figure out how to control all those conflicting emotions and behaviors.

I thank God, every day, that my son is still alive. There are days I’m overwhelmed with gratitude when I see how he is thriving, and when I witness how things have changed for him. He is happier now than he has ever been at any other time in his life.

Once, a very long time ago, you held an infant son in your arms, and your heart overflowed with love. Cling to that love, and keep it tightly wound around him, giving him strength (even while he constantly rejects your love) . No matter how many times or how many ways he tries to push you away, please don’t give up on him. Just keep loving him. The day will come for you when you will look at him, and your heart will sing again. Believe it … (and don’t forget to take care of you in the process – you can’t help him, or anyone else, if your own strength is depleted). Just keep loving him. Hugs and strength to you, Michele.

It is frightening and exhausting to live with someone you love but don’t know how to help, especially when you see the painful effects on your other children. I am praying for you. I am praying that you get rest. That you get someone nearby who knows what it’s like and won’t be offended by your hurt and anger. That your son gets relief. That you can get some respite care that you trust.

Just happened to be reading this. Wanted to tell you as well Michelle that my wife and I will be praying for you and your son, and family as well. I KNOW that God hears our prayers and cares, even though it can feel like He doesn’t care. I know that He cares because He has put it in my heart to pray for you.

Please look outside the mainstream medical box. I am an acupurist who works with autistic kids, with the help of functional medicine docs, speech therapists, nutritionists and Ot’s. I have seen really difficult behaviour change very quickly with the correct therapies in place. It doesn’t have to be like that. Good luck.