Note: This is a guest post by blogger and author, David J. Singer who blogs at Six Simple Rules. He’s a great guy you would do well to get to know.

If you stop to think about the number of times a day you interact with other people you’ll probably find it’s more often than you think (at home, the store, the bank, post office, gym, neighborhood, classroom, in line, at the office and even passersby).

The opportunities are certainly there. Now think about those interactions. Are they deep, or do they tend to be shallow?

For most of us, the vast majority of these interactions are shallow. For example, when you go into your favorite coffee shop and order coffee, what happens? Do you say “hello” or “how are you?” to the person taking your order?

If you do, are you mindlessly doing it out of habit or are you mindfully engaging with the other person? It’s mindlessness that usually rules the day.

How about when you pass a co-worker in the corridor at your office? Do you smile or do you keep your head down? Even if you smile, and even if you say “How ya doin’?” are you really asking them how they are actually doing and truly listening for their answers? Or are you just being polite?

Most of us operate to a great degree on autopilot, following our routines and habits in many of our daily interactions. What I’m going to suggest is that developing mindful interactions is a terrific investment of your time and energy and is the secret to deepening your relationships.

The result of mindful interactions is positive vibes for the other person and positive feelings and experiences for you.

Here’s what to do:

1. Create a log of your daily interactions in order to enhance your awareness of all of the people with whom you interact.

2. Then, when you come across them in the course of your day-to-day activities, stop what you are doing, look them in the eye, and ask how they are doing in a way that lets them know that you really want to hear the answer. Smile while you wait for a reply.

3. Listen—really listen—to their answer.

4. The next time you see them, do the same thing (and after having heard a real answer from them the time before, perhaps you will have something specific to ask about—a follow-up to something that came up previously.)

5. Each day, think about your positive experiences with this new habit and celebrate your progress.

6. Keep at it until it becomes a habit. It takes about 21 days to create a habit, as long as the task is small enough. But don’t be too hard on yourself. Maybe you can create the habit for certain people you interact with as a start, building momentum from there.

Here are 6 of the people with whom I have worked on this new habit:
1. Supermarket cashiers
2. Parking lot attendants
3. Restaurant greeters
4. Restaurant servers
4. Dry cleaner store attendants
5. Gas station attendants
6. Co-workers

7 Results from Mindful Interaction

1. Interesting conversations that I would not have otherwise had.

2. Good vibes for me from having helped someone else feel happier. (The same way that simply smiling at people elicits good feelings and results in a smile back.)

3. An overall sense of better well-being for me from having slowed down rather than mindlessly moving through such a significant part of life.

4. Better conversations with people at business functions where in the past I might have “moved on to the next person.”

5. Becoming a better listener.

6. Feeling a bit less rushed, despite spending more time in these interactions. It’s an amazing thing: when you slow down, you feel less stressed, and less rushed, despite using more time. Sometimes you will have to cut off the conversations in order to stay on your schedule. Or maybe you will find yourself giving yourself more time to get from one place to the next in order to leave more time for these new, enjoyable parts of your day.

7. Having more friends. Friends aren’t just the people I hang out with in my spare time. I would love to be friends with everyone in the world. Really.

You may feel like you are super busy—that’s a common feeling. You may find yourself frequently rushing to the next thing you have to do, or the next place you have to get to—another extremely common life experience.

As a result, you may worry that these additional interactions will add stress to your already busy, rushed life. But if you add up the amount of additional time you put into these mindful interactions over the course of a day, you will find it to be a small additional investment of your time.

And if you do a cost-benefit analysis— the cost being the time, and the benefits being those outlined above (and more), you’ll see that this habit yields a wonderful return on your investment.

What do you think?

Where are some places you can employ more mindful interactions? Or if you already do this on a regular basis, what has your experience been? Join the conversation in the comments below …

21 Comments

I’ve always done this, David though not as consciously as you’ve suggested. My husband finds it a little strange that I can get all sorts of people to tell me their stories – like an auto-rickshaw (you might have to Google that 😉 – I live in India) driver who I won’t see again, or the watchman of a building I’m not likely to visit again. But I just like people and perhaps ask them the right questions with empathy. I hope it makes them feel better when they share, because it certainly does me a lot of good!Corinne Rodrigues recently posted … In Conversation With Mike Robbins

Corinne:
That’s great. I am sure it makes them feel better when they share. I love to talk, to tell my story, and I know I am not alone. Most everyone loves to tell their story. That’s why listening is so valued.
Thanks for the note.
Best regards,
David
PS Now, thanks to you and Google, I know what an auto-rickshaw is.

There was a woman I read about in the newspaper many years ago who put her number in the newspaper explaining she was there to listen. She figured she would get some calls and do some good. In a week, she had changed her phone number because of the hundreds of calls she would get daily of people hungering to be heard. You do an invaluable service to those you share your kindness with.

I do practice this and it makes a huge difference, just as you say. Sometimes I have to remind myself to stop and listen, to recognize when someone needs a kind ear. I’m never sorry for the extra minute this takes. I also try to acknowledge people that I can’t really talk to. For example, if I’m driving down the street, I might see someone who looks sad, or in some difficulty. I send them a silent blessing and a good wish. You are right–this simple habit is easy to develop and will change your life.Galen Pearl recently posted … Queen for a Day

Galen:
Thanks for sharing your beautiful practice, and for saying, “sometimes I have to remind myself to stop and listen,” because no matter how well-intentioned we are, we sometimes needs those reminders to slow down in the midst of our often fast-paced lives.
Have a great day.
Best regards,
DavidDavid J. Singer recently posted … What Made You Smile this Week?

“I might see someone who looks sad, or in some difficulty. I send them a silent blessing and a good wish.” I like that so much! So Galenesque! 🙂 I like to say a quick prayer whenever emergency vehicles pass for the emergency personnel to provide inspired help and for the people in need and for the families and loved ones who may be losing a someone. I hope it makes a difference to those in need. I know it makes a difference to me as I pull over and wait. No impatience, only compassion.

I haven’t really thought to do that for others on the side of the road. What a great and obvious idea. Don’t know why I never did . But I’ll certainly start. Thanks for that bit of inspiration, Galen.

Such a nice post – and one I can fully identify with. I tend to be friendly with everyone and I think Corinne has expressed it so well in her comment.

It feels wonderful being friendly with people regardless of whether we see them everyday or not – I love the waves and the smiles as I walk down my road. I remember one specific instance when, years ago, my Mother had to be rushed to the hospital and the most unexpected people rallied around. They were all right there for us, especially since it was a difficult time and we were unsure whether Mom would make it back home. It was one scary experience! But the medical store guy took it upon himself to keep track of and deliver Mom’s prescriptions; the supermarket people sent someone asking if I needed groceries home delivered and even our milkman offered to hang around to run errands since we were busy running from hospital to hospital for blood transfusions.

Hmm…I was pleasantly surprised by all that. But the fact is, I tend to be naturally friendly and do not expect anything. And when I do get something, try my best to reciprocate several times over. I always imagine a world where everyone is friendly and kind towards one another.Vidya Sury recently posted … To Forgive Is Divine

Vidya:
What a nice story about the way your community rallied to your aid. I’m always moved when I hear about, or see, people coming together to help like that.
Thank you for sharing.
Have a great day.
Best regards,
DavidDavid J. Singer recently posted … What Made You Smile this Week?

I read your comment twice, Vidya! What an inspiring experience. To see all that love pour out and envelop someone who has filled the world with so much of her love is just beautiful. And you, my dear friend, inspire me to be a better person, to step up my game, to send out more love. I do some of the same things you do, saying hello and smiling at strangers and the like, but you go so much further. If the world was filled with Vidyas, what an amazingly more wonderful place this globe of ours would be!

I have tried this in the past and I know it works. I need to try it more, though; because as you said, it makes your life feel less rushed. I need to revive this in my life.

Ken, I was wondering about that guest post I sent you a couple of months ago. You asked me to remind you in a week, which I did – then about 4 weeks later. Can I enquire where we’re going with it? Thank you.Anne recently posted … Speak English With Confidence

Sorry it’s taken so long for me to give you a final answer. Lately (the last several months) I’ve been inundated with guest post submissions. I have to reject about half of them, maybe slightly more than that, for various reasons but read them all first. There are some that are boarder-line. Those take me longer because I have to read through them a couple times before making a decision to heavily edit or pass. I haven’t yet developed a system for scheduling those I accept and calendaring them for publication with any predictability. That’s my shortcoming.

But as far your submission is concerned, I have read it and like it. I will definitely post it. Can you give me a week (possibly two) to schedule a date for publication? I try to post them in the order I get them unless I see the need to delay (perhaps due to a similar post of mine recently going up) or move another up for some other reason. This has placed others in the uncomfortable position of waiting longer than I wish they had to. Hope you can forgive me for the wait. But I really do want to post your wonderful article. I’ll email you when it goes live.

I try to do it all the time. And then I realize one day that I’ve been letting that habit slip, which tells me that I am running too fast in general, and have to refocus on this, among other things. Soon, the good habit is back, and I’m feeling great about it.

Thanks so much for your guest post. I loved it from my first reading of it. I think that if everyone was more mindful in their relationships, the world would experience so much more love and so much less divorce and heartache. I’ve committed myself as well to being more mindful. I can be easily distracted at times. You’ve reminded me to make the person I’m talking to feel like they’re the most important person in the world for those moments we’re talking together.

Awesome article, David. An important read.

PS: Still reading your book. Sorry it’s taking so long. Another example of how easily I can be distracted. I’m reading something like 4 or 5 books right now. Each place (work, desk, uh, bathroom) has a different book I read when I’m there. But I’m getting closer to finishing! 🙂

Thanks for the great question! Hopefully David makes it back to share his thoughts, but I think that if you “really listen” and the other party just walks by, then you’re right, no meaningful conversation takes place. But that’s okay. I think the point is that you are OPEN to meaningful conversations. A door is left open to something more than the relatively superficial exchanges that usually go on between people who are simply being polite.

Two things happen, it seems to me. 1) You live life more open to making friends and interacting with people on a deeper level. 2) It works very often. Many people yearn for connections they don’t get at home. And most people, I’m convinced, even if distant at first, will warm up to you over time simply because of the interest you show in them.

I also believe this is a character issue too. What I mean is that it can’t artificially be used as a tool to get people to like you. It has to be genuine interest in another person. Most of us can sense insincerity from a good ways off. But if we’re genuinely want to know about someone else’s day, they will often (but not all people at all times) accommodate.

As I read the post and the comments I kept thinking about a book I had the privilege to review called Praying for Strangers: An Adventure of the Human Spirit by River Jordan.

For a year River Jordon got the inner guidance to pick a stranger each day and pray for them. She was surprised when she realized she also needed to talk to them and tell them she would pray for them. What a moving collection of stories. Here is a link to a short interview I did with her (Hope you don’t mind me posting it) http://blog.beliefnet.com/angelsonyourshoulder/2011/03/praying-for-strangers.html

Thanks for the wonderful post. I always try to connect with sales people, make eye contact and really listen when they answer the seemingly obligatory, “Hi. How are you?”

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My name is Ken Wert, the founder of M2bH. My purpose here is to teach you how to live a richer life of greater purpose and meaning, of mind-blowing possibility and deeper, more soul-satisfying happiness than you ever dreamt was possible. Join us on this happy adventure as you learn how to unlock your hidden potential to enjoy the rewards of a life well lived. Read more ...