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June 24, 2011

10 Fake Tweeters You Should Follow

By Maui R. Drilon

Finding good twitter accounts to follow is like looking for a bunch of needles in a haystack. Sure, it was nice seeing Twitpics of Demi Moore in a bikini at home, and being updated on what Justin Bieber had for lunch. But those 140-character updates get stale after, oh, say, two tweets - and then you're left wondering if your Twitter account is worth maintaining or not.

Unfollow mundane celebs and instead subscribe to these ten Tweeters, who are some of the smartest, wittiest, most creative impersonators in cyberspace.

1. @FakeAPStylebook If you're one of those people who would rather punch a baby than read another badly written news article, then follow FakeAPStylebook.

Initially set up by 15 writers (some of them journalists) back in October 2009, FakeAPStylebook was created as a parody of "AP Stylebook", a book which many writers consider the essential guide for journalists.

The account quickly gained a massive following, thanks to their satiric rules on proper journalism, language, and style. With posts like, "Use the quintuple vowel to transcribe the utterance of small children, ‘Daaaaddy, I waaaant a pooony" and "'World War' should be used only for conflicts involving countries on at least three continents. For large-scale battles against clones, killer tomatoes, or a fifty-foot woman, use ‘attack' instead." It's no surprise that FakeAPStylebook now has their own book: "Write More Good: An Absolute Phony Guide" was published in April.

2. @RuthBourdainWhat would happen if well-respected food writer Ruth Reichl and potty-mouthed author/TV host Anthony Bourdain had a love child? Well, the result is a very unattractive but hilarious Tweeter, Ruth Bourdain.

Since her inception last year, Ruth Bourdain has been spewing well-observed (much like her "mom") and filthy (much like her "dad") 140-character messages that have been cracking up foodies all over the world. Apparently, she also tickled the funny bones of the most prominent peeps in the culinary industry. This year, she was a recipient of a James Beard Award, considered the "Oscars" of the food world.

While the anonymous poster was a no-show at the awards, thus keeping Ruth's real identity a secret, fans have to content themselves with her snarky, tongue-in-cheek musings ("Never settle for anything less than Extra Virgin. The best olive oils never make it to second base.")

3. @ChuckNorris_He rose to fame as Cordell Walker in the "this is so campy, I can't believe this wasn't filmed in the 80's" series "Walker, Texas Ranger," where the main characters explicitly refrained from doing drugs and used martial arts for law enforcement.

The series also cemented Chuck Norris as a certified bad-ass, one that can open a can of whoop-ass next to the biggest action heroes of today. Not that you need another reason to follow actor Chuck Norris, but here are a few: "Chuck Norris has already been to Mars. That's why there are no signs of life there," "There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds and Chuck Norris," and "Chuck Norris built the hospital he was born in."

4. @DarthVaderThe Dark Lord waaaay before Voldemort, Star Wars' Darth Vader may have a knack for dismembering Jedis and blowing up ships, but he's also got plenty of thought-provoking nuggets to share.

When not busy tracking down long-lost offspring (hint: they were really big in the 70's, Vader, but we think they're stuck doing small movie cameos now), Darth Vader's pondering on how to get new recruits ("If he could be turned, he would be a powerful ally. #justinbieber",) what's up in his spaceship, The Death Star ("Stormtrooper & Royal Guard laundry got washed together. Looks like Troopers are now wearing Hello Kitty armor,") to how he'd like to die ("Watching MJ's funeral reminded me I wanna go out in style. I better not end up cremated on some stupid moon surrounded by teddy bears.")

5. @iamhubertwebbHubert Webb is a former convict and prime suspect in 1991's Vizconde Massacre, one of the most sensationalised crimes in the Philippines. He was sentenced to life imprisonment in 1995 and, after fifteen years of sitting in jail, was acquitted in December 2010.

Being such a big personality who's been out of the loop for more than a decade, he needs to get a Twitter account. Filled with 80's and 90's references, @iamhubertwebb followers are treated to a fake Hubert Webb's discovery of what life is like in the naughties. He's ditched the Birkenstocks for Crocs, plans a movie marathon after finding out there's a "Shake Rattle & Roll Part 12," and marvels that he can buy stuff off the internet (on his Amazon wish list: a box of 750mb Zipdisks).

6. @sirdickbranson When billionaire baron Richard Branson's not dabbling in humanitarian work, he's either killing time on his private island or sending people out to space (no really, if you have US$220,000 to spare, he'll send you to outer space on his spaceship, thanks to his newest company, Virgin Galactic.)

Naturally, with such success, that Branson must be an arrogant bastard, right? Well, someone thinks so, thus, @sirdickbranson was born - calling himself the "Virgin visionary, saviour of consumers." Sample Tweet: "Canada, I'm going to be in Toronto next week. Where are the hot nightclubs? Always looking for more VA flight attendants." Need we say more?

7. @BronxZoosCobraWhen a 20-inch Egyptian cobra got loose in the Bronx Zoo in March, no one expected it to turn up in cyberspace with a Twitter account - and have more than 200,000 followers within a week!

While the real Egyptian cobra was missing within the zoo's reptile home, @BronxZoosCobra was all over New York, eating cupcakes at Magnolia Bakery ("Enjoying a cupcake @magnoliabakery. This is going straight to my hips. Oh wait. I don't have hips. Yesss!") and slithering through museums ("Holding very still in the snake exhibit at the Museum of Natural History. This is gonna be hilarious!") Alas, now that the real cobra has been found and back in its cage, we'll have to be content with @BronxZoosCobra's witty updates on life at the zoo...at least for now.

8. @GRAMMARHULKIf you're a grammar nazi who can't stand typos, grammatical errors, and misspellings, then this is your superhero.@Grammarhulk rants and raves about people who butcher the English language -which is ironic, since the Hulk himself has a pretty limited vocabulary. But let's not let that little bit spoil the fun. When he follows up his Easter tweet of "HAPPY EASTER! NO FRET ABOUT GRAMMAR OF "HE IS RISEN"; IT ARCHAIC BUT CORRECT. PAST TENSE OFTEN BECOME ADJECTIVE," with "HULK GLAD TWEETING IN ALL CAPS MEAN HULK NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT WHETHER TO CAPITALIZE RELIGIOUS TERMS!" You gotta admit, the big green guy makes some pretty good points.

9. @Queen_UKWith the British Monarchy having its own official Flickr and YouTube accounts, it was only a matter of time that someone would impersonate the Queen of England on Twitter.

Follow Her Fake Royal Highness tweets regularly, and expect snarky messages on what it's like to be a Royal ("Text from the Pope: "I haven't received my wedding invitation yet but I've bought a new hat just in case,"), her love for gin ("Thursday Gin O'Clock shall henceforth commence at 4.30 pm for reasons of a happiness nature. By order of The Queen,"), and her willpower to stay alive ("Tumble out of bed and stumble to the kitchen, pour oneself a cup of ambition and yawn and stretch and try to come to life.").

10. @AC180Want constant updates from gorgeous news anchor Anderson Cooper? Well, you can, with his Twitter account, @andersoncooper. But if you want a hilarious version of what goes through the CNN 360 host's mind, subscribe to @AC180, aka The Fake Anderson Cooper.

Claiming to be "covering all angles. Except for the ones behind me," it's a witty commentary on what's life like as Anderson Cooper: what it's like at home ("Looking forward to a quiet weekend sitting around at home, rubbing baby oil into my biceps."), in the studio ("I don't like having to broadcast from my secret hideout. The lighting is awful and it makes my hair look brassy."), and out on the field ("Pretty disappointed nobody has offered me tea and crumpets yet. Lift your game, Britain.")