Trailer Park Boys s10e02 Episode Script

You Want Lot Fees, Suck Them Out of the Tip of My Cock

All those years I was trying to find a little bit of peace, and who would have knowed it was right here just down the road? Do I miss Sunnyvale? Not on your life, bud. Not Ricky and fuckery! Still get me pissed off when I think of them! But hey I have a new life now. Randy and I, well, we're taking a little bit of a break for a while, and Julian no more of that fucking confusion. You know, you're wondering whether I'm still "the liquor". No. Guess what? I'm on top of the liquor. I am the monkey in charge of bananas. What's my secret? This little device right here. I just take a little blow and it tells me when it's time for a little top-up. Because when I first got this, I used to ride it around 0.20, which is fucking wasted, 24/7. But now I leave it at 0.12, which is perfect. It's right in the fucking slot, just past the click, that wonderful moment just like Julian; I'm sober enough to know what I'm doing and I'm drunk enough to really enjoy doing it. Oh! Look at that! drinky-poo. Cheers, genitals. Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mm Mmm! So Barb Lahey just got out of jail and she dropped this off to me. She says she wants the park back and there's a court date in 10 days. She's filing a whatever the fuck that is. Yeah, like, we're fucked. That gutter slut! All right, we might not be fucked. I might be able to do something here but I need to stall that annoying quiff. So there's hope, then? There's always hope. If you've got the money to pay for hope. Now I'm going to need a retainer. Now, let's say, I don't know, a grand to start. And I want to keep this clean, all right? Full disclosure. That milk-drinking curdbag tried to hire me already but I-I want to represent you guys in this thing, okay? But I need to fight fire with money. Now that is just how it works, all right? All right. Okay. Give us a day. We'll have your thousand bucks. Let's go, boys. Great! Talk to you later, boys. Thanks, man. All right! We gotta swing by the whore wash on the way back, boys, and pick up Lucy's car. Come on, boys, it's only a thousand bucks. We barely have to break the fucking law to come up with that. Break the fucking law? Why do we got to do that, man? Just take it out of your fucking bar. Rick, everybody has a fucking bar tab. Nobody's paying me lot fees. Including you two dicks. Dicks? Why am I a fucking dick now? Bubbs, you must have something saved up. Julian, I've got and about 13 in the bank. That's it. Okay, that's a start. What about you, Rick? You're always as busy as fuck. You only take cash. What are you doing with all your money? We've got a bit of money saved up. It's for fucking Trinity's wedding, man. I can't spend it on this shit. Fucking Lucy'd beat the tits right off me. Okay, it's final, then. We're doing fucking jobs. No, we're not. No fucking jobs. No way. Well, I'm definitely not doing fucking jobs if he's not fucking doing them. "I'm definitely not doing jobs if he's not doing fucking jobs!" Oh, fuck off! No, you fuck off! Oh, for fuck's sakes! Idiot! It's under there by that fucking bag! Watch out! Ricky, look out! Look out! Jesus Christ! Oh, fuck off! I dropped my fucking joint! Don't look at me like that, you fucking bitch. Jesus Christ! Ricky! Well, fuck! She started it. It wasn't my fucking fault. Just here. Let me out here. I've got to get some cat food. I'll meet you guys back at the park. You think about what I said, because you and your cats are going to be fucking homeless, Bubbs. This is so fucked! You're right, it is so fucked! I'll get Randy collecting lot fees. Hopefully we'll be able to come up with most of the money that way. But if not, man, you've got to help me out with the rest of it. I'm not doing this by myself. I heard you were back. How was Mexico? Yo, it was more like Sexico, dawg. Non-stop for a month. We was hittin' it and quittin' it, hittin' it and quittin' it! It was all that. Hey, Randecko, pardon my mann-ors. I would like for you to meet the love of my life. This is Marsha. Burrito? Couldn't you just fall in love with him? So beautiful. I like it, so I had to put a ring on him. Do you know what I'm saying to your face? Why are you talking so weird, J-Roc? Why are you talking all so weird, Randy? I'm not talking weird. Well, open the gate so I can see my son. What are you saying? Open the gate! The gate? Okay Open the gate! Motherfocker! Thanks for the burrito. Small brain, big stomache. Yo-o-o-o-o, dudes! What's up? Man, how was Mexico, man? I bet you the nachos were awesome down there, man! Ridiculous Man, nachos are the same everywhere, Cory. What's wrong with you? What up, hah? What's up, dad? Pour some sugar on me witcha candy. How was Cancun, dawg? Good, but I missed a mahfucker, tell you that right quick. What'd you bring me back, B? I brought you back something very special. The gift of a happy life. Who's this Mexic-ho? This Marsha. Your new mudders. Together we'll be a happy family, hi-ay. Hold up. Show me that smile again. I already have a mom. She dumps like a truck, remember? It's okay. It's a lot to wrap your mind around again. You take your time, okay? We'll be heres. Y'all gonna be waiting a while 'cause y'all crazy. He will grow on your face. That's nice. Let's go inside. Aghh! Peanut butter balls! Hurry up, you Popsicle- eating hippopotamus! Fuck, you're dumbly stupid! Hey, guys. Jesus Christ, Randy! When was the last time you took a shower? You smell like a dead sea otter's ballsack! Sorry, Ricky! You Sorry I don't have frigging time to shower because I work so frigging hard! Fucking idiot! It's obvious that people don't have a clue how much I frigging work every day! With no breaks! Randy, I want you to go around and collect lot fees, okay? There's people that are months behind, and we need cash fast. Then we'll sit down and have a little talk about your feelings, okay? I need some backup, Julian. Ricky keeps taking Jacob to work at the Drug Store and you keep taking Cory to work at the night care centre. I'm here, alone, working the gate. and collecting lot fees and I don't even have time to frigging whipper-snip, for frig's sake! Not to mention make your dumb, stupid, little fucking stick crafts over there! Those stick crafts are the only frigging thing - that's keeping me sane! - Ricky! Are you going to collect the fucking lot fees or am I going to fire you? You know what, Julian? Frig it! Frig it. I tried to collect lot fees. I've tried, and people just don't pay! I tried I even tried with force, Julian, and they just tell me to "F" off! And then they move out of the park. The park is half frigging empty, for frig's sakes! You know what? Frig it, Julian! I quit! Whoa, boys, boys! Fucking watch her! You've got a bad fucking bearing on that wheel. That thing could flip, you could get hurt. Thanks for the tip. Nerd. What did you call me? A nerd. Are you going to fucking do something about it? Leave him alone, man. He's retarded. Who's retarded? Made you flinch! Did not. All right. Let's get out of here. Don't want to make the nerd cry. Ha! Fucking retard! Horse cock! What are you talk? You're not going to quit! Yes, I am! You're not a quitter! Come on! What do you want from me? I want some respect, Julian. All right. You got it. You know what? You can even tell the people you're collecting money from that you're doing this as a personal favour to me. How's that, bud? Yeah, well, I want a commission off the lot fees I collect too. Commission How about I give you a fucking commission off the tip of my cock? Eight or nine percent. How about that? Frig off, Ricky! Randy, I know you didn't shove me What the fuck is all over you? I'll take them off! No, you're not! Enough! Boys! Listen, how about I take 5% off the top and then give you two points of that. All right? Because we're friends. Look, man, I really appreciate the hard work you're doing for me, Randy. All right? Okay, Julian. Deal. Let's hug on it. What? Fuck. Some people shake hands. I prefer hugs. Come on, Julian. You get them all the time. I don't. that up there Jesus Christ. All right, okay. All right, that's good. That's That's good. All right, open the fucking gate. Oh, my fuck! You got Popsicle all over Lucy's car, and it was just waxed! Wipe it up! Wipe it up, Ricky! I'm opening the frigging gate. Ricky, just Oh, you want me to wipe it up? Yeah. I'll fucking wipe it up, but you're not going to be happy about it, bud. Just get in the fucking car, Ricky. Ricky! What the frig are you doing? There you go, bud. There's your fucking towel back. Ricky, get in the car! Boys! Ricky, get the fuck over here! Frig off, Ricky! What is wrong with your fucking brain? We're fucking fighting real soon! Get in the fucking car! You be ready any time! Ricky, get in the fucking car! Me and you, fucking man on fucking man on! Keep him under control. I will. Thanks, Randy. Keep your fucking self under control, you slimy fuck! Picked up a part-time job delivering flyers. Keeps me in gin and groceries. It's, uh very easy and surprise surprisingly satisfying. Barb! Jim! Ha-ha! It's been a while! What the heck! Give us a hug! Whoa, look at you! Goodness. Hi, Donna, how are you doing? Well, what a Who's this? This is Candy. She's sticky sweet and twice the lover that you ever were. I see. Nice to meet you, Candy. Fucking right, it is. Yeah. Barb, uh glad you've got a new friend, and I'm really happy to see you out of jail but, look, I I better I better move along. I I've got to be delivering my flyers, Barb. And, uh good luck, ladies. What's going on? Well, you see, Jim, my lawyer says I can get the park back. Well, that's great, Barb! I know! Well, good luck on that. Yeah, I Candy, please? But the thing is, Jim, that I-I need your help, and I am not taking no for an answer. I can't get involved. I'm sorry. Go get Jacob and collect some lot fees. Yeah, right. What's in it for us? Popsicles. Well, last time you said I was getting a Popsicle, you gave me half, dude. No way. I'll give you one full one each this time. Can it be rainbow? I don't have rainbow. I have orange. All right, that's cool. I'll take orange, man. Orange is all right. J-Roc! J-Roc! There's no one home but us cucarachas! Come on, J-Roc. Give me some lot fees. It's pronounced "Yay-Roc", Randees. Randy, I do not have your lot fees. Come on, it's a personal favour for Julian. I do not have your lot fleas. J-Roc, frig off! Come on! Fuck off! I'm on bottom! Hey, Julian. Can I talk to you for a minute in private, please? I'm sorry, Bubbs, but he's with us right now, okay? What's wrong? I need to talk to you in private, please. I'll see you guys in there. Really? Just start without me. - I'll just be a minute. What's going on, bud? I gotta ask you a question and I need you to be fucking straight up with me. All right. What? I don't want any bullshit. Okay. And I don't want you candy-coating it. I won't candy-coat anything. Am I a nerd? No. Definitely not. Why? Well, these fucking little punks were calling me names, and called me a nerd, and bullying me, and I started thinking, fuck, maybe I am a nerd and I don't even know it. Bubbs, fuck those guys. You're one of the coolest people I know, man. Are you kidding me? Fuck, you can fix things, you can play the guitar. The girls are always talking about how fucking cool you are. Really? Yes! Julian, time's up. We're naked! Look, man. Stop thinking like an idiot. Just watch the place for Sure, Julian. If you get tired and you need me to tap in, just give me the nod. I can get her going like a sewing machine. What, you want to have an orgy with me and my girls now? I'm just saying, if you need me in there, I can get her going about and I'm not a nerd, I'm not afraid of orgies. Oh, well! If it isn't the little Pecker-Fuck Twins! And what mystery are you two friggety fuckers trying to solve today? Well, I guess that would be the case of the, uh, missing lot fees. Yeah, nice. You owe us 120 bucks, dude. Oh, don't have it. How about a couple of hand jobs? Wow, uh, we appreciate the offer, Marguerite, but Randy made it pretty clear we're supposed to collect actual money from people. Listen, boys. I've learned at my age that there's not much in this world that you can't suck or jerk your way out of. So what will it be? Hand job, or little mouth hugs? Come on, let's get it on. Yeah, we need to talk for a second. Stay right there. Don't move. Shit. Dude, I'm I'm down. If you're down. I'll do it for the bargain shit. You know I'm getting married, man, but, if you're down, you should go for it, dude. It's not that I'm down, it's just, like, taking one for the team, dude. I'm going. Yeah, man. Okay, wait out here. Hold this. Back in a second. Okay, I'm good. Let's Let's do it. Ow! Oh, fuck! Dude! She fucking tried to shank me with nail clippers! Fuck, man! Fuck! Get the fuck off my property, you scurvy little piss-arses! Ricky, there's easier ways to do this. Fuck! Well, if you've got some fucking ideas, I'd like to hear them. You're good at this shit. Get goodin' at it. What the fuck's wrong with you today, anyway? I'm just a little bit freaked out. Some kids down at the store were calling me a nerd earlier. Can you fucking believe that? Yeah, a little bit, I guess. What do you mean? Well, you do kind of look like a nerd. I mean, you're not a nerd, you're a fucking cool guy, but you look like one of those guys from, "Avengers of the Nerds" or whatever. I look like a nerd? Yeah, but you're not one. You lust look like one. You know, Ricky, if I look like one, then I am one. That's how it works. No, it's not. Look at fucking Donnie. He looks like a hornse. He's not a fucking hornse. Ricky, if you look like a nerd, that's what makes you a nerd. That's the only thing required. So I'm a fucking nerd! You're not a fucking nerd, Bubbles. That's not what I'm saying. You look a bit like a nerd. You're definitely not a fucking nerd. You're a good guy. Well, that's awesome, Ricky. Thanks a lot, bud. 'Preciate that. Right on, Bubbs. I was being sarcastic! What does that mean? Unbelievable! Unbelievable! I'm a fucking nerd! You're not a fucking nerd! You can't judge a cover of a book by its look! That's what I'm saying. You're not a fucking nerd! Yeah. Thanks. Fucking Jesus Christ! What the heck's going on here? Oh, Jim! Jim! This is such a great little place that you have here! Thanks for letting us stay, fuckface. I didn't! Barb you guys have got 10 seconds to get off my property! Oh, come on, Jim! It's only for 10 days until the court case! Barb, I told you I didn't want to get involved in this. And I told you that I wasn't going to take no for an answer. Oh, my God, look at this, it's chicken! Oh, my favourite. Look, look, look That's my fucking chicken! Barbara! Leave my fucking chicken alone! Fucking make me, little man. Look what are watching tonight: "Dances With Wolves"! Good. Give me that fucking Oh, I just love his tight little pants! Fuck off! Give me my fucking chicken! Fuck you! Fuck Give me my fucking chicken! Get off, get off Barb, you you can get the fuck out of here! You get the fuck out of here! This is my fucking place! I worked hard for Not any more, buddy! Fuck off! You little Fuck off! Fuck off! Ricky. Ricky, get over here. What the fuck do you want? I'm here under the strict authority of Julian to come and collect lot fees. Oh, yeah? Okay. Yeah. It says you owe two months. I want it in cash right now. No problem. I've got lots of cash on me. Fuck oh, yeah, that's right. I forgot about down here. You put cash down your underwear? Yeah. It's the best place to put it. Frig off! Two fucking months lot fees right there! That's bullshit! Yeah? You want the lot fees? Suck them out of the tip of my cock. How about that? Would you frig off, Ricky! Don't fucking touch me! I've fucking had it with this shit! Oh, you want to go? Yeah, I'm going to go! I'm going right now. I'd love to fucking go! Boys! Would you guys break it up! Randy, let go of him! Ricky! Smarten the fuck up, guys! That's enough! Julian, I came here to collect lot fees and Ricky rubbed his bag sweat all over my face and in my mouth, and asked me for oral sex! I did not fucking ask you for oral sex. I said if you want lot fees, you can suck them out of the tip of my cock. There's a big difference. I want the frigging money, Ricky! Well, what are you going to do about it? 'Cause the only money I have is still right there! See? Will you guys stop that? Jesus, Ricky! He didn't mean collect them from me, you fucking dummy! Well, I kind of did, Rick. What are you talking about? We need money! The only money I have is the wedding money. Fucking everything else is tied up in inventory. Give me the money, Ricky. Pull up your fucking pants I want the money. Pull up your pants and go and collect from someone else. This is horse cock, Julian! Your mother sucks horse cocks. Randy! Boys! That's enough! Frig off, Ricky! Pull up those fucking pants. I need my clipboard. That's it! Guys! Jesus Christ Ricky! Why? See, Julian? Why? This is the shit I deal with! This isn't over, Ricky. Yeah? We'll see about that. Collecting lot fees sucks! Do some fucking work. Jesus. All right, so you want to do jobs then? I can't. I've got a fucking family to think about, I told you that. Well, have fun packing up your entire family when we lose the park, bud. Thank fuck I've just got to worry about myself, man. Hey, you know what we going to do? Tomorrow we're going to go to the park, set up a scrilla bucket, and spit like old times! On the ones, the twos, eer-a what. Nah. I've got a big test coming up. Math ain't fucking around this term. N'aight. Well, I'll be inside watching TV with Marshie, know what I'm sayin'? Holla at me you if you want What, dawg? When are you gonna forget that ho? I know it's changed, you know what I'm sayin'? I know thangs is different right now, you nah'mean? Pound a taquito, dawg, and relax. Take your time. And get at me when you want to spit, hah? I'm sorry, Luce. I-I just can't right now. Well, is it the neck brace? I can take it off. No, you look hot as fuck. It's just I need to talk to you about something. Okay, what? Well, suppose there was this really awesome family of bears that lived in the Sunnywoods. And everything was going really fucking good, and the daddy bear just didn't want it to get fucked up. But one day, this muscle moose, a friend of the daddy bear, came and said he needed to borrow some money. Daddy bear didn't really have any money, so the moose said, "Well, can we do a job?", and the daddy bear was, like, "Well, I don't want that to fuck my family up." And the moose said, "Well, if you don't, your family's going to have to move out of the Sunnywoods." Well, why would they have to move out of the Sunnywoods? Because there's this fucking butchy, bitchy beaver that used to own the woods, that might be coming back and taking the woods back over unless the bear and the moose can hire a lawyer to stop the butchy beaver from doing that. In order to do that, they might have to do a job you know. And then the daddy bear's just sort of worried about what the mommy bear would think of the daddy bear if he does do the job with the muscle moose. And this other friend he was an owl actually. The daddy bear just doesn't want to fuck things up with his family of bears right now and he's just worried what the mommy bear might think, I guess. I think that the mommy bear would probably be fine with it, and think that the daddy bear was, like, the sweetest bear in the world. Really? Yeah, as long as there were a couple of a few conditions were stuck to, sure. And what would the conditions be? Well, the first one would be that the daddy bear would have to promise to bang mommy bear really, really hard and put a baby bear inside of her. I think the daddy bear could probably do that. Yeah, you think he would? What would be the other one? Well, we can talk We can talk about this later, if you want to. Well, let's go into the bear den and see what happens. All right, let's go into that. The dirty bear den. This is un-fucking- believable! Hey, Julian. How'd you make out? Horribly. I haven't collected any lot fees. Are you fucking kidding me? People are being dicks! Especially Marguerite. She stabbed Cory with a pair of nail clippers! Oh, well, he deserved it too, the little pecker flea. All right, everybody listen up! There's going to be no more credit for drinks! Cash only. If you owe me money, pay me now or you're not getting served Who the fuck comes to a bar without money? Jesus. Yo, yo, Julian. So you're telling me that we have to pay, and we have to work? Yes, you've got to pay for your drinks. Well, you never paid us yet, so what's going on? You're still not going to get free fucking drinks! Oh, fuck. Come on, Roc Pile, we the fuck out of here. Thanks, guys. Wait, baby, are you saying you have no money? Well, I've got to figure this shit out, it's Ooh, yeah, that's Ooh That's not going to work for us. See you later. What, you're breaking up with me? Yeah. Love ya! Miss ya! And how the fuck am I supposed to pay lot fees if you cut off credit and everybody stops drinking here? How the fuck am I going to pay wages when you're giving away all the drinks for free, Marguerite? Fuck you, Julia! Fuck you! Tightwad! No more credit ever again! What in the fuck? Thanks a lot, Sunnyvale! Just trying to save the park here. Thought someone might want to fucking help me out! Oh, yeah? Well, I thought you might suck my cock! Fuck you, Donnie! Oh, fuck you, muscles! Hey, Bubbs. You in here, man? I want to talk to What the fuck are you doing? Just combing my hair, Ricky. You look Leo DiCaprinardo, man, in that movie he did. Fucking "Nightmare on Wolf Street". Look at your hair! That was a fucking good movie. He was cool in that movie. Holy fuck, thank God. Can I have some of those fucking things? Ricky Ricky! Just be cool Jesus, Ricky, be cool! Your ladder's not very strong, Bubbs. Well, it is, if you use it like a fucking regular human would. Fucking starving. Listen, man. I know I said it was fucked earlier. I know you're going to think it's fucked, but there's a lot of shit going on right now and I'm pretty fucking stressed out, and Maybe we should do some jobs with Julian. Let's do it. What? Let's do it. I'm in. Totally fucking in. Really? I'm cool, could do anything cool. Cooler than cool, I am. Cool. I don't know how this whole fucking tab thing got so fucked up. $875 in this one pad alone. Two to go. I guarantee you this is never going to fucking happen again! Hoolian! I'm so happy to see your face. I would like to introduce to your face, my wife Marsha. Hola, Julian. She's so beautiful. We would like some margaritas for the senoritas, please, so we can celebrate. J, what the fuck are you talking like that? Julian, such a kidd-ors. We would like some drinks. Yeah? Well, I'd like some money. W what happened to credit between friends? We're going through a bit of a tough time. Yeah, you take the good. You take the bad. You take them both, OK? Look, I don't mean to be a dick here, right? But you got no cash-o, you get no drink-os. So you may as well get the fuck out-o. Julian! I feel like you punch me in the feelings. You will not disrespect my beautiful wife to her face. Marsha, would you excuse me for a moment, please? Daddy has some work. okay? Ain't that some shit, dawg? Yeah, man. Met that shorty down in Mexico. She feelin' me too. Good for you. Man, she thinks he's Spanish, dawg. Well, at first she was like, "I ain't down with black, hard mah-fuckas like you" and I was, like, "Aight then, what if I brown it down right quick?" That's why I talk like this. Sayin'? But she can't even understand English? J-Roc Kinda. She knows some. I mean, she's in the SSSL. SSSL? What the fuck is that? Seventies Sitcoms as a Second Language, dawg. Hey, check this out, dawg. They used to watch, like, "Emergency" and some shit on a tiny TV, like a 4-inch, you know what I'm sayin'? Trini-trizzle. J-Roc, J-Roc I've had a very, very bad day, okay? So, if you don't have any cash, you can't get any drinks. So get the fuck out. Hey, Randy! Hey, Randers! Mr. Lahey? What's going on, Mr. Lahey? Hi, bud. Wow! I like your new look. Thanks a lot. What are you doing here? Listen, I need your help. Oh, I might be able to help you. What's going on? Barb and this great big lady and that thing that you were going out with last year, they fucking came in and just took over my trailer! I need your help getting them out. I don't know if I could do that, Mr. Lahey. Randy, what are you going to do in 10 days when Barb fires you, huh? Julian won't let that happen. J What's Julian Wait a sec. Don't tell me. Fucking know! I don't want anything to do with anything around here, Randy! I just need your fucking help, bud! Please. I'm not frigging helping, I'm staying out of this, Mr. Lahey, and I'm tired of dealing with you when you're drunk. I can smell the liquor on your breath. Randy! I'm not drunk, Randy! What? Look, watch this. Wow You're pacing yourself? I'm right in the pocket, bud. Will you help me? I'm sorry, Mr. Lahey. I mean, I don't think I can. Last time we said we were going to take a break and work on ourselves Randy! Mr. Lahey, I'm not going to do it. Randy! Handle it yourself. That's all right. I'm used to being alone, bud. Good luck to you. Good luck to the new super fucking trailer park supervisor! Wishing I had a drink, you know what I'm sayin'? Why are you so fucking irritating all the time? What, fucking Lenny and Squiggy bothering you too, dawg? Or just us? What the fuck did you say to me, J-Roc? Huh? Bubbs Bubbs What the fuck did you say? Bubbs Calm down, man. Pump the brakes, Brylcreem. Don't gotta act so You pump the brakes there, fuckin' Crest Whitestrips! Let's go, Julian. We're doing some jobs. What? Ricky: That's right? We're fucking in. No fucking way! We're fucking in too, then, you nah'mean? Yeah, we want in. We're down with jobs. Pour some liquor. We need to make some scrilla. Pour some liquor. You got any money? Put it on my tab! - All right. - 5 drinks. Doubles. Doubles. Even better. Well, just take it easy now. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck off! Fuck! Fuck off! Jesus Christ! Fuck. Fuck off.