Bitter News, 5-6-09

Headlines from the Bitter Newsroom to occupy you now that your bare-breasted Disney thrills are over:

 The two words on everyone’s lips: Elena Kagan. A name so hot you almost can’t say it without putting a dirty-girl emphasis on the “K.” The liberal U.S. Solicitor General is a rising star the likes of which the legal world hasn’t seen since, well, let’s not split hairs. She’s the first female to hold the position, and her name is on every shortlist to fill the “dispassionate umpire” Justice Souter’s robe—because, let’s face it, that robe has practically no chance of fitting over federal appellate judge Sonia Sotomayor, since she’s an apparent fatty. Harvard even pulled all their strings to get her, the school’s former dean, back to anoint their newest crop of grads. A speech that will no doubt deliver tattoo-worthy quotes in spades. [The Legal News]

 Since you can’t go around duping potential witnesses into letting you be their Facebook friend with any legal leg to stand on, you can just friend the White House and birddog them instead. [Social Media Today]

 You can ask Slim Shady to please stand up all you want, but Mohammed Enait would prefer you let him sit. The orthodox Muslim lawyer claims his faith does not allow him to stand up for a judge “because all people are equal under Islam.” But the Netherlands bar association’s disciplinary council is putting him on blast—and his little Muslim taqiyah cap too. He’s suspended if he keeps refusing to get on his feet before a judge. But he insists that he’s “a victim of political persecution.” And that all you other Mohammed Enaits are just imitating. [NRC.nl]