Day 198 of 365

When I was 7 years old, I was called ugly by a boy. My 'friend' laughed with him as I scattered away embarrassed. This is the first point I remember feeling ugly and having a low self-esteem. When I was 11 years old, an older boy who was 12/13, put his hand up my skirt while I was queuing for dinner, and he tried to pull my shorts down. I thought my skirt must have been too short so I must have tempted him to grope me. He squeezed my bum and laughed with his friends. I was too embarrassed to turn around, I stood there, stiff, acting as if nothing had happened.

When I was 13, I was told countless times how boring it was for girls not to send photos, I really believed that everybody sent them, it was a girls role to keep a boy happy in that way. I thought it would make them love me. One boy in particular had a girlfriend. I didn't know this at the time. We'd talked for weeks and I knew he was a few years older than me but that was exciting. I felt very mature for my age s when he asked for photos every day, I eventually gave in. It started off as just one. It wasn't even that bad, I was wearing a bra and you couldn't tell it was me. But he wanted more. I didn't want to stop talking to him so over the next few days and weeks I sent more and more, becoming more indecent as time went on. I didn't like sending photos. It made me feel uneasy, but I wanted to please him. In the past, when I didn't send pictures or want to 'talk dirty' they stopped talking to me, and I didn't want to experience that lonely, worthless feeling again. But it became out of hand. I could no longer say no and pretend to tease him by saying later or maybe another time. He used my own body against me and told me he would leak them if I didn't send more. What choice did I have? 2 months later I overdosed and took around 40 tablets. I'm grateful that I didn't know how many would be lethal.

When I was 14, I went to my first house party and for the first time I was drunk. While sat away from others, a boy a year older than me and his friend pulled me out of sight from a boy I was with and forcefully pressured me into starting oral sex. After a moment I realized I didn't have to continue and I said I don't want to. After being told I'm boring and a slut I was left by the boys. When I told my best friend what happened, the whole school soon found out and everyone told me I was lying and I wasn't forced into it. I was taken advantage off. They didn't push my head down but they were intimidating and knew I was vulnerable.

I've had so many more bad experiences with boys. They're not all bad, I know this. Maybe I just attracted the wrong type? Was some of it my fault? I was always younger, but I felt beyond my years. Some of the things make me feel sick to my stomach and others I can't remember because I've automatically blocked the trauma so the wound cannot reopen. I still experience sexual pressure now. It's become quite normal I feel. But what one might believe to be funny or attention, another one loses sleep over. I hope this helps someone, people have gone through much worse and some may think this is nothing, I often wonder if I'm exaggerating, but reflecting, I've done the opposite. I was made fun of constantly, because boys would tell people at school I was a slut and I was easy. My 'friends' reiterated this to me and I started believing it. It was the sheer embarrassment, hopelessness and regret I felt for trusting people which lead to my first suicide attempt. If this in any way can help even just one girl or boy in any way then sharing this will be worth it. Thank you