These are the cookie crumbs for my depreciating mind.

It has been 2 years and 7 months since I have moved to California. I got in my car today as I went to leave a bit early from work and realized, even though I haven’t really had a moment to de-crunch my brain from the last few months of work I couldn’t think of another place I would want to be.

The difference between this and say college, about 3 years into college I was wondering why I was still there and kinda wanted to drop out, but I have this need to follow through and finish things I start. But the difference is definitely in the idea that this job grows and adapts with me (not how I wanted to word it but can’t figure out a better way to). It is always pushing me and it allows things to not be stagnant. Sometimes I feel a bit of overwhelming-ness from the idea that the technology and things in my job are a lot like in scrubs(which btw for some reason season 1 and 4 have had a lot of shit that related to my life lately) where in medicine you have to always keep up with it to work day to day, always learning something new. It is so important though to remember back to your roots or as I like to say “grass- roots” lol

This last week has consisted a lot of those moments when your stomach moves into your mouth as you open up or say things that may not be the easiest to talk about. It started with the ex girlfriend as I finally had to make the decision to not pursue a relationship anymore and we would have to just go down the path as friends from here on out. It was the first time I was able to talk face to face with her about issues like these and it was gut wrenching. All I wanted to do was to comfort her but I knew all I was doing was making it worse, not per-say with my being there but more of the fact that I wasn’t going to change my mind. I believe it was the best decision for both of us and thankfully we are still on good terms. But it is never easy. I do wonder how able I am personally to be friends immediately after something like this. I do wish however in those last moments with someone, that the person I am with, be it a relationship that is working or not, would not say “Then why did you show me this, or say this to me, or open up about…” I just wish there would be an understanding that, yes a relationship or the process of making one, means opening up, bringing someone else into your life. It may hurt if it doesn’t work, but I would rather take that hit then to think I didn’t give it all I had. I don’t know if it is just a moment of weakness or a generic response that has been engrained via our living cultures, making us say these types of things, even if under our breath or nonchalantly as a closing argument, or a jagged thought being thrown at you mid sentence. Then the question of “why” always comes up.

Sometimes the why is not an answer and it is just the hardcoded personalities of the people the involved, and a question that shouldn’t be asked nor answered. If one person is not happy regardless of the love the other one will show the two will never be happy together.

Movies often show the idea that two people need to work on a relationship or there are ups and downs. Of course there are, but it is that dying need to yell out and say something when something isn’t working that keeps those together. If one person doesn’t feel like standing up and yelling out, the likelihood is, the movie is just a commercial.

Two of my friends said two important things to me this week. One was, “If someone respects both themselves and the person in front of them they will probably leave rather than drawing out a heart wrenching moment, as long as that moment isn’t needed to further the development.”
I loved how that sounded but also know as much as that probably would have been a good approach with the above, at the same time this was sort of needed in a way. I can’t justify it completely yet, but relationships and emotions are some wacky things. When I was talking to my dad about a relationship my little sister was in, that I thought was not good for her and even she said it wasn’t. My dad listened to some of my experiences, to just let her experience them without too much interjection on his part. I mean once you break up with a guy or girl for the first time, especially in highschool you are going to get back together but it will never be the same from that point on and the chances of it working are probably much much lower, you will always remember why you broke up with that person but it will become muddled as time goes on, forcing you to get nitpicky and then you get confused and then you need to get out, or you will go insane, not because there isn’t emotion or love, but because it just doesn’t work, our instincts are amazing things when clearly infront of us. And amazingly enough a few weeks later he said: “Perhaps you should take some of your own advice” and click it made sense, had I thought of it already, yes, but I still couldn’t figure out how to make it work. It was just amusing to hear that. Anyway rant over…

The second thing was, “My ex got a book about self personalities etc to figure out why she went back to an old girlfriend that she wasn’t happy with” My response was, sometimes even with a book or help people will not always change or can’t, and then she said, “Yes but if a person wants to change for themselves the odds are much higher”. It just struck a nice chord with me. Self examination is healthy and while we may not be able to find the answers or read the books to get it all worked out, figuring out even just that on your own is important.

(all the above is very paraphrased if I quoted btw)

Time has a tendency to catch up with you. For me it was the fact that over two and a half years ago I moved from NYC/NJ with my family and my constant, almost unlivable panic attacks disappeared with it. Be it the move, the change of company, or just the idea that my brain was too busy with the new challenge put forth to really feel them anymore is up for grabs. But what I do know is that time has caught up to me again. I once again feel the benefits of my .25 mg of Klonopin actually working when I am on a crunch for 2 days straight, especially when my brain is too tired to battle the panic without me. Now this is for you people who don’t understand medication. This stuff doesn’t change who you are or make you weird it just allows you to get from day to day normally like you should. I will tell you I am the first person to tell a doctor to fuck off with medicine but when I started this shit I needed to function day to day and couldn’t without it. Now it is just one of those things that is hard to stop due to the medical addiction it causes. SO back off : )

So I may ask, so what if I have had a few panic attacks again, no biggy it is the stress and lack of sleep. But truthfully I have this feeling it is something more. I feel like things in my past are going to need to be addressed one day and I believe I only got away from it for a little bit when I moved. About this many years into college is when I really started to get panic attacks for the first time in my life, although looking back I have gotten them since I was young just not as pronounced. One may argue the one time I smoked pot with my friend back home, I rewired something chemically in my body that this started to happen, or one could argue that the freedom of college and living on my own allowed me time for me and with that came good and confusion leading to panic. It seems like a very giant coincidence that the same time as in college but now on my own in California that I would start to feel the same thing, but not as strong because now I know how to work with it.

My brain over the last few years has rewired itself so much. I almost didn’t believe it was possible. I used to think that experience and age had nothing to do with each other, but when you hit a certain age and things start to happen physically and mentally to you, you realize it is truer than ever. Age 20 I had a huge one and age 24 was another one and will be for a few more days.

It isn’t that you change terribly or things go down the wrong path, it is just life catching up to you. And facing life is definitely strange. I remember a teacher talking about soul searching with us and told us how some people do it for a lifetime. I think the soul searching he is talking about has a lot to do with these changes. They force you to see things in your life you may otherwise not have been aware of.

Things at work are really good right now. But there were still certain loose ends. That is where butterflies number 2 came from. I have had these moments where everything is good and BAM I get the stomach feeling and regardless of the conversation with the person, I HAVE to say what is on my mind. The second one didn’t go as I had planned and the words in my head got very garbled when they finally came to fruition. I hope it didn’t make anything worse but I don’t think it did. I just wish I could have said things more in line with the way I felt them rather than a stumbled approach. I wish there was some sort of acknowledgement that I helped them with certain things in their life when they were down. At some point that was forgotten and my own abilities and creativity got lost or ignored. I wish I could say that sometimes I am scared of the conversations they have with other people in my life because I feel like I will get bullied for a misconception. Other than that though I think things are heading in a good direction and the future is bright there. It just sucks for me when I have to think of these things and not want to say anything when that is how I deal with shit. Although I do know sitting back is going to be the good thing to do in this case. I think things are getting better but I also think there will be bumps along the way. But my best approach right now is to not offend when they can be easily offended and just let it be. Although knowing me I will not. However I have to figure out when I do object to my own idea here, that I do not sabotage something so important to me.

We talked again, haha told you I wouldn’t wait lol, and I think it was much better this time. We are headed in a good direction it was really cool to talk about a color concept of an idea we are working toward. As well we chatted about all in the above including way past things. It seems that would be butterflies number 4 but this time there were no butterflies. It was just easy to do and went really well. While other things came up that might bothered me a little I think I can blame it on the mind of a kid not being able to hold back and once it realized the food was worse with ketchup it just ate without it.

Back when I was a child there are some things that may still be haunting me and while I don’t dwell on the past, sometimes when it comes up, it is good to climb the stairs to see what is up there, and hey if you don’t make it all the way up, try again when you need to. It scares me that sometimes I can feel like my mother did in this one memory I have of a good ole childhood whoopin’. While yes this is probably not a scar for life I sometimes wonder when I have felt that loss of control to the point of tears and screaming why this is happening and why even though it is wrong it feels exhilarating. So my past is somewhere I have to dive into now, part of the stairway I have to climb again to fully let things move on or be at ease for the time at hand. And that is where butterfly 3 came from. I talked to my mom and she finally admitted to certain times when she did lose control and was sorry for certain mistakes. It was the most amazing thing that almost brought me to tears, but it is so strange how I will be talking about something completely different and moments later I have butterflies like I would get if walking up to a complete stranger and asking them on a date, but unlike the date I have to speak my mind and can’t back out. But it was amazing to finally hear her tell me the truth. I had tried to approach this once before and it was a crash and burn nightmare. Nothing was talked about, lots of crying and screaming, and no one would tell the truth. This was calm and composed and really felt right for the time. And it was definitely an eye opener to think yes there may be some bad shit due to the divorce on that side but man there is two sides and my anger toward my dad in that situation was pretty intense. I remember screaming and trying not to go with him when before the divorce he was my hero. So there is a double edged sword there.

Now something important here is that my family is the world to me and these are just moments in time, since I am posting this publically I think that should be pointed out. Shit could have turned out MUCH WORSE. And shit even this ain’t bad : P

It is just weird that I never really looked at it that way until now, that both sides really hurt me and there was a lot of anger and rage to both.

It was nice to chat with my dad this week as well and he told me of some of the ways he sabotaged some places he worked back in the day, and I definitely need that reminder here and there so I can try to be very aware of that so not to do the same. The whole expression “hitting a wall” used to have a lot of meaning to me cause I would do it a lot or he would at least say I would, so regardless of the truth of the matter or if it is just one of those parental irks, I keep an eye out so not to do it. He also talked about how when I moved out of my mom’s when I was younger to live with him it was like living with his own dad and since his dad had died he never had to learn how to deal with his dad but through me he learned. It was quite interested, a little creepy but interesting non the less.

I told my sister a moment of weakness of mine and that was butterfly 1.5 (earlier on) and she takes the approach that I should probably talk to someone again and life is just catching up with me. I have no problem with this but finding that right person to talk to is tough. I met one therapist once who said to me, your past is your past let’s talk about today and if the past comes up we deal with it then. That was awesome. But then I left for California. So I am trying to contact her again to tell her, the past has come up again. My sister also believes perhaps hypnotism, but there are two things here: I am not sure I can be hypnotized, and secondly I am not sure I am ready for any surge of bad shit although after talking to so many people this week I feel like the bad may not be as big as I thought. Well I guess there is a third thing that scares me about that, I don’t want a doctor to implant some fucked up childhood bs into my head because he/she thinks they know the answer. It is amazing how many therapists I have met that are very bad judges of character.

I think the oddest thing of all is that my life is heading in a direction of change or clean up. I am quitting smoking again on Monday and luckily so is half the department and so that will make it a bit easier but I think the quitting for me isn’t as scary, it is what damage are left behind when I stop that scares me.

At the same time since Paris I have started to gain weight again due to not working out so I have to fix that too because when I quit I will gain weight as well. Although I did notice I am not gaining wight just losing definition. That is a positive to that.

A lot of the time it is better to tackle one thing at a time but I don’t believe my life will allow for one thing at a time. I think right now I need to work on a few things all at once and just take the hit for it. I think it will end up giving light much softer than a train at the end of the tunnel.

So what, am I fucked up? Nah I think I just like things to feel right in my life and while my childhood was probably better than a lot and I have loving parents who support me and a good groups of friends I still need to tackle the areas that are grey. I mean there is a whole chunk of memory gone from my childhood that no one can figure out as to why.

Speaking of good friends, that is another thing I am constantly working on. The ability to really take AND give in a friendship. There are soo many people I love to death but it feels more like an acquaintance. I have always had trouble finding time to give to friends or multiple people. I think a hello here and there isn’t always enough. I know those really close to me understand I drop off the face of the planet for years or months at a time and they will always be true friends but I do want to find that highschool like friendship again (not the empty superficial part) with people around me, someone to really go do stuff with or nothing at all. Although then again highschool vs working and living on your own, allows for much less time. Just another learning experience.

You may ask why write all of this on a public blog? Why not? If there is one thing I learned in Paris it is that I am always just going to speak my mind and infront of anyone I feel comfortable doing it with. And dammit I am pretty damn comfortable with pretty much anyone knowing stuff about me.

I think Shakespeare helps guide this as well for me. Often the truth is not something to be addressed but as the fool you can speak the truth in a jest to feel out how much you can get away with actually saying. I don’t just spout off things to people randomly, thought goes into it. It is really an amazing thing how much the mind can think at once before you put it to words or text. But when it comes to shit like this why not just say it. “Cooperate” often won’t allow you to speak everything but personal allows for it every time.

A strange little quirk I seem to have adapted is when I get weirded out or feel self conscious I tilt my head down into my neck. I think it may have to do with the weight issue and feeling a little self conscious about it, so regardless of the feeling and for what, that manifests itself into the physical display of feeling off. I also kinda feel myself falling back into the averting my eyes from people if I want to look which was less in Paris. I remember when a random guy said good evening to me when we met eyes in passing. Something about his words seemed more sincere than perhaps a “hey what’s up” like we often say to one another in passing here. I will be working on keeping that confidence just to be able to look do those things I would WANT to do in akward situations. I kept a lot of it when I got back and I will do my best not to fall back into the old way of it. I mean what should be so scary about starring back at a person if they are starring at you, or going up to someone if you need to ask them something or wonder where they got an article of clothing, etc. I mean ever caught eyes with a pretty girl and you both look away, now try that situation again and just look at her and then perhaps say hello, and hey here is an idea stop walking and see if she would like to chat : )

Overall things are good. I still need to find a way to release this last few months in preparation for the next project but I think I am working it out and those around me are accommodating of it. But I will probably not be able to get where I would want to be but that is ok, there is time later 😛 (famous last words)

I don’t argue for the sake of arguing I usually just want to flesh out every angle first. I often wish I could plug someone into my brain for a minute to let them know everything I am. The idea of writing a book one day intrigues me, and the more I think about it, the less I think I could dictate it and rather in my own mysterious way I would have to write my riddles one by one and give my approach to the entire thing in order for it to be true to me. Grammatical errors and all. < – – – see what I did there?

I swear even if the butterflies aren’t in the form of having to talk to someone I have been having them a lot even when just sitting by myself or sleeping, in the bath, or working. It probably has to do with not relaxing so well or having the mindshare to even do so, but then again I have always been pretty bad at relaxing, and I don’t smoke anymore so I have no excuse to randomly kill brain cells to force myself to chill out anymore lol. Anyway, haha, I think this is going to be a challenge ahead of me. But one step at a time with many different directions right now.

Cause it is my entry i can make another way i like this to be said:
(I swear even if the butterflies aren’t in the form of having to talk to someone I have been having them a lot even when just sitting by myself or sleeping, in the bath, or working. I think this is going to be a challenge ahead of me. But one step at a time with many different directions right now.)

There are some things in here that are a bit generalized etc but there still are some things I don’t feel comfortable just sharing with the whole world. Good or bad. And the reasons for it are my own. So if it doesn’t make sense there may be a reason.

This blog is difficult to post because it has been written over the course of the week. Almost like a way of de-toxing from the things around me, but there seems to be something new to add every day this week. So perhaps I shall call this blog: The feeling of butterflies in your stomach, up to August 17th. Because I am not going to add anything tomorrow because it is my Birthday and I want to just chillax with my friends and self. So HAA to you blog!

Found the quote from scrubs I paraphrased in here:

Dr Cox: Relationships don’t work they way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won’t they? And then they finally do, and they’re happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren’t right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I’m telling you right now, through all this stuff I have not become a cynic. I haven’t. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y’know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don’t care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line: it’s couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don’t let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it’s right, and they’re real lucky, one of them will say something.

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About Me

My name is Tristan and I am a photographer/director and hopeful romantic. I am here sharing my writing, a journal entry to myself with the intent of others reading it. I talk in a very open stream of consciousness. Feel free to get lost.