Anger Management: Pscycho Islamic perspective

Anger is very common these days. It may be mild ,moderate or severe. Statistics prove that 80% of youth are angry. Genderwise 95% woman have been found to be involved in verbal agression. Its high time we confront this. InshaAllah on Thursday 10:15 am UAE time Sr. Umm Marwan Ibrahim a psychological counsellor was in live conversation discussing about causes,effects and dealing with ANger. Also some real life casestudies were discussed.Below is excerpt of Live chat which was held EXCLUSIVELY ON Alhamdulillah I am a productive Muslimah facebook group.

1) Tell me something about yourself?

Assalamu ‘alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu dear sisters. Alhamdulillah, it’s an honor to be giving this talk. BarakAllahu feeki for inviting me to your interview. My name is Rabiya Dawood (aka Umm Marwan Ibrahim). I hold a Bachelor’s degree in Islamic Studies from the Islamic Online University, and a Diploma in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) from the NLP Centre of Excellence. I’m a mother to a 10-month-old. I am a counselor at a couple of non-profit organizations online. And I also freelance as writer and copy editor. Walhamdulillahi Rabbil ‘aalameen. You can check me out at http://www.ummarwanportfolio.wordpress.com

2) Alhamdulillah thats great, is anger dependent on gender?

That’s an interesting question. I can understand why one may think that anger is a gender-dependent emotion. Because which gender do we immediately think of when we hear the word ‘anger’ or ‘angry’? I’m pretty sure you’d say that it’s the male gender. This is most probably because we are far too accustomed to the stereotype of anger being a ‘masculine’ emotion. For example, we’d be ashamed to hear of our daughter getting into a fistfight on the playground, but may not feel as much shame or shock if our son did the same. To say the least, it’s much easier for our minds to accept the latter scenario than the former. Interestingly though, this idea of anger being intrinsically masculine is baseless. There have been numerous studies conducted across the world on this subject. And they reveal that men and women generated similar anger scores. What this means is that men and women experience anger almost equally. However, although men and women experience anger similarly, they express their feelings of anger quite differently. Men tend to express anger through active means, such as hitting, or throwing objects, while women use more passive-aggressive means, like withdrawing affection, gossiping, or crying. Whatever the case, anger is not a masculine emotion but a human emotion, and anger management is something that is needed for both genders.

3)What factors influence anger?

Anger is a very broad emotion, and is often the expression of some other underlying feeling. There are several factors that could contribute to someone feeling angry, the most common ones of which are: – Frustration: when things don’t go the way we want them to – Annoyance: anything that interrupts what we are doing – Mistreatment: when we feel that we have been treated unfairly – Abuse: physical or verbal – Disappointment: dissatisfaction caused by someone’s behavior These are all triggers that cause anger within a person. Anger management is much easier when we identify what triggered our anger in the first place.

4) What are harmful effects of anger?

Anger does not fail to harm our physical, mental, and even spiritual well-being; a person who cannot manage his anger well is more prone to heart ailments, high blood pressure, tachycardia (rapid heartbeat), hyperventilation, stress, depression, and low eeman among others. And in the long run, anger has a record of damaging relationships, careers, and even one’s self-worth. How many divorces have we seen that result out of anger! There is no limit to what anger can lead a person to do. The consequences can range from cursing another, to hurting them physically or emotionally, to even taking someone else’s life!

5) When is anger justified?As I’d mentioned, there are cases in which anger is justified. The Prophet never got angry except when the commandments of Allah were violated. However, if we do feel anger for the sake of Allah, we should make sure that we are not actually getting angry for our own ego or interests. So it is justified in cases when it is a question of our deen. And along with the protection of our deen, it also includes the protection to our lives, freedom, property and honor. So if any of these rights of ours were at stake, then our anger is very much justified. However, how we choose to express this anger makes all the difference.Let me give you an example from the story of Prophet Yusuf (alayhissalaam).When the king sent a messenger to get Prophet Yusuf released from prison, he didn’t come out right away. He in fact, sent the messenger back asking about the status of the woman who’d caused him to be imprisoned. This is because he didn’t want to come out until his name was cleared of the heinous crime that he was accused of. He was angry about that. But he expressed his anger in a firm and constructive manner. And it was only when his name was cleared, that he agreed to be released. See Qur’an (12:50)

5) What can one do if angry?

We can find plenty of foolproof tips from the Sunnah as recommended by our beloved Prophet (peace be upon him). They also serve as immediate remedies to combating anger. I’ll mention just a few of them in this webinar: 1. Isti’adhah Sulayman ibn Sard said: “I was sitting with the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), and two men were slandering one another. One of them was red in the face, and the veins on his neck were standing out. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, ‘I know a word which, if he were to say it, what he feels would go away. If he said “I seek refuge with Allaah from the Shaytaan,” what he feels (i.e., his anger) would go away.’” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, al-Fath, 6/337) This is the very first step. Seeking refuge in Allah; seeking our Creator’s help in protection against whom? Against shaytaan and his evil whispers. 2. Change position The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “If any of you becomes angry and he is standing, let him sit down, so his anger will go away; if it does not go away, let him lie down.” The wisdom behind this advice is that by changing our position from standing to sitting, or from sitting to lying down, we’re reducing our own chances of doing something regretful. We’d be less likely to strike the other person – one who’s angered us – in the sitting and reclining positions. 3. Stay silent When we get angry, we tend to lose control. So we shouldn’t be uttering words in that state. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “If any of you becomes angry, let him keep silent.” (Reported by Imaam Ahmad, al-Musnad, 1/329; see also Saheeh al-Jaami’, 693, 4027). 4. Wudu’ Verily, anger comes from Satan and Satan was created from fire. Fire is extinguished with water, so if you become angry then perform ablution with water.” (Sunan Abī Dāwūd 4784; hasan) There are many tips that contemporary psychology also gives us. I’d like to highlight a few of them: 1. Identify the trigger (as we’ve discussed earlier) 2. Employ ‘Cognitive Restructuring’ Where you – as hard as it may sound – try to think of any positive you can in the situation. The way we perceive something decides the way in which we would react to it. So event A has happened. If we were to consider it to be the end of the world (unless it really is the end of the world), then we’d behave like it is the end of the world. But if we take it to be a piece of cake, then that’s what it is for us. So change your cognition, do anything you can do to shift your perspective; because perspective is not always reality. 3. Be assertive Being assertive means to convey what you want to in an objective manner without intending to hurt the other’s feelings. So you choose your words carefully, and say what you want firmly but without sounding mean or stubborn. Remember Yusuf (alayhissalam)’s assertiveness…? I would like to add to this list one thing that we should NOT be doing – an absolutely crucial point. And that is not to make decisions in the state of anger. When we’re angry, our mind doesn’t work straight. It gets muddled; hazy to discern right from wrong.

6)What is islamic perspective on anger?

First and foremost, Islam tells us that anger is from Shaytaan; it’s one of his evil whispers. This should be enough to make us realize how evil anger can get, should we let it. Abu Hurayrah, may Allaah be pleased with him, reported that a man said to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), “Advise me.” He said, “Do not become angry.” The man repeated his request several times, and each time the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) told him, “Do not become angry.” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, Fath al-Bari, 10/456) According to another report, the man said: “I thought about what the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, and I realized that anger combines all kinds of evil.” (Musnad Ahmad, 5/373) Islam also gives us an understanding of the importance of anger management. “The strong man is not the one who can wrestle, but it is the one who can control himself when he is angry.” (Bukhari)

7)Now some quick questions. What should i do when—

1) My kid messes up the whole room and causes some damage by playing?

2) I have tried a new dish by giving lots of effort whole day and it turns out ok but I receive criticism from inlaws and husband?

3) Someone speaks bad about my religion on social media forum or in a one to one conversation?

4) My kids waste time and do not offer salaah inspite of repeated reminders?

– Kid messes up room: What should we do in such an instance? Ideally, I’d ask you to take a deepbreath. As we said, take a moment before you speak, or shout at your child for that matter. Calm your mind. And I’d say, go a step further and make this into a learning opportunity for your child. Make him clean up the room after himself. Or if he is too small, ask him to help you in cleaning up the room. Explain that since he was the one that created the mess in the first place, it is his responsibility to fix it. Also, be glad that there was damage to material property but no injury to your child. That’s what’s most important. You won’t be too mad then. So remind yourself that shouting may do more harm than good anyways. So opt for the better way out.

– New dish gone wrong: In this case, you could either take their criticisms too hard on yourself and sulk, and even talk back, or give a deaf ear, or simply take the valid points out of the criticisms. Ask yourself which is the best response for yourself? In every situation that you’re placed in, you’re the best person to decide the best possible response. Any of it could be good for you (unless of course, sulking and talking back). You may feel that turning a deaf ear to criticism from your in-laws may be actually good, if your case is such that you’ve got genuinely difficult in-laws (I hope not, though). But if not, and they do mean well, but just don’t know how to speak sometimes, then the best thing you could do is to take the good out of it in an objective context only to better yourself and your cooking! So ask yourself what response would help most.

– Someone slandered the deen: This is a sticky one. We all get riled up when it comes to someone talking badly about our deen. We just can’t take it! And it is absolutely right to have this rage when we hear someone say something bad about Islam. What’s not ok, though, is to let that rage blind us. We see so many examples of this blind rage on the net, whether in forums, or FaceBook posts, or YouTube comments! SubhanAllah, YouTube comments are enough to let me make my point. There’s so much of cussing, so much of horrible speech that goes on in the name of da’wah but what good does it really do? Nothing. we can get frustrated when we hear someone speaking ill of our religion. But we need to act with wisdom. Criticisms against Islam happen all the time; there’s no stopping it. We just need to be able to be level-headed about it. So pick your battles. See when it is appropriate to advise someone – then itself, or a little while later. What sort of words would help. How to convey it – publically, or privately. Consider all these factors and respond accordingly. Book Recommendations: The Prophet’s Method of Correcting People’s Mistakes by Sh. Salih al-Munajjid; Islamic Awakening by Sh. Al-Uthaymeen –

Kids waste time and neglect salah: If you feel like you’ve tried everything and they still don’t offer their prayers on time, then you are bound to get frustrated. However, don’t lose it. Keep yourself in control, tell yourself that you are in control, and do what’s needed. I’d suggest the age-old advice: Lead by example. Nothing can beat this. So at the time of prayer, make sure that you stop what you’re doing and go to pray. In front of them. Also, get creative. If you’ve got more than two kids, make the older one lead. They’d feel a sense of responsibility, and it would be just more fun. Revolve their daily activities around salah so that praying then comes naturally to their routine, and they don’t consider it as a separate task for which they have to allocate time.

Finally At the end of our webinar, I would like to stress something.It is extremely easy to preach about anger and controlling it, but the real test comes in our practice during the times of anger. One of the steps that would help us in overcoming our anger, other than actually taking the steps, is to acknowledge that it is a struggle. It is a struggle to control our anger. It may not come easy. But that’s also why Allah rewards us immensely for this jihaad. So make lots of du’a to Allah to help you to be successful in this struggle of yours. And be assured that small, gradual and conscious steps will help you in making anger management your second nature insha Allah

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Author: aaliyahkhansite

Alhamdulillah I am an Islamic entrepreneur and have launched India,s first online islamic store for children.Visit my website at www.theislamickidstore.com. I am also Alhamdulillah a student of IOU and Markaz Al Huda,Dubai. Also Inshaallah will soon be launching my first islamic fiction novel. MAshaallah being a mother of 2 cute kids have inspired me to write and learn more on islamic upbringing of children and being a productive mother. I firmly believed in living life the Islamic way hence everything in my life revolves around Islam. Love to socialise and meet like minded muslimahs
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