Sports

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Saying the rookie running back was merely “working through something,” members of the Minnesota Vikings coaching staff told reporters Tuesday that they are not going to panic over a flickering Dalvin Cook.

WEST LAFAYETTE, IN–Michigan holder Garrett Moores is fucking sick of giving little pep talks to his team’s kicker every time he misses a field goal, sources confirmed during Saturday’s game between Michigan and Purdue.

NASHVILLE, TN—Stressing the importance of the fan base’s health and wellbeing, Vanderbilt University chancellor Nicholas Zeppos advised Commodore football fans Thursday to get vaccinated before the team’s Southeastern Conference road schedule begins next week.

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

OAKLAND, CA—Saying that team doctors had confirmed their worst fears after initially seeing the color commentator pull up lame, CBS revealed Sunday that Dan Fouts would miss the remainder of the regular season after blowing out his larynx on a routine anecdote.

CHICAGO—Disappointed and irritated by his half-hearted display of fandom, sources reported Tuesday that local man Paul Winslow must have thought that it was enough to wear a Chicago Blackhawks jersey to a Chicago Cubs game.

NEW YORK—Demonstrating their callous indifference to human suffering, the cruel broadcast gods ripped away CBS’ bonus coverage of Sunday’s game between the Raiders and Titans, sources confirmed this afternoon.

Tim Tebow Just Sitting By Himself In Darkened Florida Gators Football Stadium

GAINESVILLE, FL—After being waived by the New York Jets and so far receiving no offers from other NFL teams, former Florida Gators quarterback Tim Tebow was reportedly sitting alone in the darkness of his alma mater’s deserted football stadium, sources confirmed Wednesday.

According to eyewitnesses, Tebow has been in the same seat at the 50-yard line for several hours and was spotted staring wistfully across his old home field, holding his head in his hands as a flood of familiar memories swept him back in time.

“What happened?” said Tebow, who was overheard murmuring while imagining the stadium filled with the throngs of adoring fans who once chanted his name and cheered every single yard he gained. “Whatever happened to that?”

Further reports indicated that Tebow then sat and listened to the silence of 90,000 empty seats for several minutes before finally letting out a long, heavy-hearted sigh, recalling the mighty roar that filled Ben Hill Griffin Stadium the day he announced he would forego the 2009 NFL draft and return for his senior season.

With the crowd’s shouts of “We love you, Tim!” and “You can do anything!” still echoing in his ears, the Heisman Trophy winner reportedly gazed at a banner reading “This is Gator Country” and remembered a time, not so long ago, when those words were synonymous with his name: Tim Tebow.

“Tim Tebow, the hero,” Tebow said quietly. “The one everyone is counting on.”

Sources confirmed that as the former Gators quarterback continued to think about his past as a college superstar, a vivid scene reportedly formed in the once so promising 25-year-old’s mind and Tebow saw himself taking a snap at the 20-yard line, bursting through a hole, leaping over defenders, churning closer and closer to the end zone.

“Touchdown!” whispered Tebow, realizing even then that he would never recapture the glory of those November evenings in Ben Hill Griffin Stadium. “Touchdown, Gators! Florida is going to win again!”

However, a fearful expression then reportedly crossed Tebow’s face as he suddenly envisioned the cackling likeness of Rex Ryan standing at midfield, pointing at the former All-American and telling him that no NFL team will ever sign him as anything but a running back or tight end.

Tebow, who sources confirmed shook his head in an apparent attempt to dispel the haunting image, did not get up from the seat, instead staying in the same place and trying to focus on the memory of setting the record for most rushing touchdowns in team history.

At press time, University of Florida grounds crew workers had reportedly approached Tebow and requested that he leave the premises immediately.

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