Monday, September 28, 2009

Should children go to funerals?

Over the years I have been asked this from time to time and it has always struck me as an odd question. My answer has always been, “Why the heck not”. Of course the parents of such a child are fearful that being at a funeral might somehow psychologically damage the child. That wont happen given that other circumstances are OK.

Obviously a child can only go to a funeral if the cultural rituals allow for it. I would also recommend that a child not go if there was the potential for some major calamity or highly emotional event. If someone was going to angrily attack another person there or if someone was going to throw them self in the grave and start tearing at their skin whilst screaming. Baring such unusual events I would recommend that they do go as the child could psychologically benefit from it.

There probably is one other thing to keep in mind. When a child and a parent are placed into a sudden unpredictable high stress event such as a car accident or a bomb goes off near by the first thing a child will do is to look at the parent and try and read them. As the event is highly unusual the child will not know how to react so they will look to the parent for ‘guidance’ in this way. Does mother get angry, collapse in shock, get calm and problem solving and so forth? The child will take the cues from how mother reacts and then react in its own way which most often (but not always) will be similar to mother’s reaction or some derivative of it depending on its own natural temperament. Either way it will be heavily influenced by mother’s emotional reaction to this unpredictable event.

If at a funeral mother is really, really going to loose it emotionally then it might be a good idea to have someone else looking after the child whilst there. There is nothing wrong, in fact it is psychologically good for a child to see mother cry at a funeral and even sob at a funeral if someone is nearby reassuring the child that mummy is OK. Which of course mummy is. Mummy will start sobbing and then mummy will stop sobbing and then life goes on. There is no way a child will be psychologically damaged by viewing such an event.

When my two sons were about 4 and 6 years old their grandfather (my father) died from an illness. At the chapel we had a viewing of him in his coffin and I took my children up to him and we said a few words and each touched him in turn. I never have understood what’s the big deal. People live and people die. When people die you say your goodbyes, you take time to grieve and life goes on.

In the previous post on preverbal thinking about death I talked with Kahless about different ways of knowing things in your Adult and Child ego states. This diagram sums it up. When a loved one dies we will know in our Adult ego state that the person is dead. We have an intellectual understanding of it.

This is quite different from the Child ego state feeling, knowing and believing the person is deceased. We all have a 4 year old inside us who will be there until the day we die. So we all have the ability to think and feel quite irrational things like a 4 year old can. Accepting that a loved is deceased can be one of those occasions where the Child in us will think in a prelogical way and not accept the death in some way.

Funerals in this way can be very helpful. If the cultural rituals allow it I always suggest that there be a viewing of the body where the bereaved go and stand close to the body and touch it. The touching part in particular will let the 4 year old inside of us get some comprehension that the person is dead and gone. Often this can be quite powerful psychologically. And of course there is no reason why children cannot do the same.

25 comments:

I must admit that I havent seen many children at the funerals I have attended Grafitti.

I would imagine that Parents would consider the psychological risks for their children attending funerals. It may be as you say a great benefit for a grown up person to enlist their 4 year old "Child" in the funeral experience. Perhaps for some grown ups they may not be able to do that if their real 4 year old was present.

When I went to my Grandmother's funeral Graffiti, my Mother hid her tears from me behind her glasses.Lucky for me that I did see a partial tear and had some of my own.

I agree that parents enlisting some help at funerals is a good thing however some parents, like my mother avoid expressing feelings in front of their children or public. I agree that Funerals are powerful psychology. Maybe a handbook, "a guide to your feelings and funerals"

I have always had this idea for starting up a business. Its a funeral or wake party. Some of the kindest and nicest things I have heard said about people are at their wake or funeral. Why the heck wait till then when the person can't hear them to appreciate them!! These things need to be said when the person is alive.

I think the wake thing is a great idea Graffiti. They used to have murder mystery parties in Perth. A kind of reality and fun experience. I think the wake party would be quite different and fun especially with a bit of alcohol. Let me see, you will need a coffin and some other paraphernalia.

Timely post in our life right now. My 14 year old nephew is in a vegetative state after an allergic reaction. I have been considering whether my children will go to his funeral. And my answer is "of course they will". I gave my 15 year old the opportunity of visiting in the hospital. My brother nixed that idea as he wanted her to remember her cousin as he was in life.

Death is part of life. Adults intellectually get it. I think kids might make the links - "if he can die, so can I" or "so can mom". Scary for them, I think.

I'm not very good at 'goodbyes'. I'm also not very good at ending something that i'm so totally into. I'm a 'hanger ona'. Starting a blog was the best thing for me to do.

People will come and go and often never come back. There would be no way of finding them again and each time was a tragedy to me personally. By the end (though i haven't really stopped blogging yet) it felt fine for people to leave. I didn't even mind if i never heard from them again or had any notice that they were leaving at all.

Mind you... its not quite the same as a death but isn't kind of the same? A big good bye?

I think i enlisted loads of magical thinking. Things like - imagining that they've moved on to something better; gotten bored and moved on; found a new partner and was no longer looking; resolved the initial issue that started them blogging in the first place; etc...

For me - it was fear. I'm afraid to go back so that's exactly what i'm going to do. It just takes time to generate the "intestinal fortitude". Oh! Hang that!

Death is quite a frightening thing you know Tony. Probably because no one know's what may happen after the 'death' actually happens.

It is a part of life Tony - I think they will want to go to the funeral - at least the oldest. She was talking last night about how death would be easier for her to deal with than how he is now. At least there would be closure. Her words - not mine.

For me - it has been enlightening. Since I am in the medical field - I've always thought the choice of turning off life support would be a "no brainer". But when you have a child on the bed, and he's still warm and you can touch his hair and talk to him, the choice is no longer so easy. I've tried explaining that to my daughter.

Tony -I am sorry to hear about the death of your son. I think that must be one of the hardest things to bear. I've always thought the decision you made would be the same I would make - now that I am personally closer to the reality - I think it takes a brave parent to make that decision.

And now we have come full circle - not being able to experience a particular situation until it becomes personal.

I know that is discussed at times in regards to therapy - is it best to see someone who has experienced similar things. I think that would be nearly impossible - who would be the forensic psychiatrists?

I totally agree with the sentiments in your post.I went to my first funeral at 21 and remember every detail. A friend died. It isnt that my parents kept me from any funeral, its just no-one I knew died before I was 21.

My cousin died recently and at the funeral and wake I was surprised to see a 10 year old family friend there. He handled the whole thing really well and it was nice to have him there. The kids of my cousin (using the word kids loosely since they're both in high school) think this 10 year old is the best. Having him there seemd to help them out a lot. And cute kids make things feel better.

Speaking of cute kids. I got an internship that is basically the best thing ever and I get to work with kids under age 8 and teach them science-y things

Well done on your internship, I hope to see a post about it. As it is science maybe you could show them how buzzers actually work, which might also assist you as well.

Thanks for the story about the funeral and how the 10 year old handled it. I am a bit surprised at your surprise about it. I have never understood why people might think children could not handle death and funerals.