Philip Hammond (pictured) said he was going to level the tax playing field in his Budget

When politicians start droning on about 'fairness', it's time to count the spoons.

So after Philip Hammond announced he was going to level the tax playing field between the self-employed and staff on PAYE, it was inevitable millions of people were going to get screwed.

The only surprise about the reaction to Hammond's most controversial Budget measure is that anyone was surprised. He telegraphed his foolish intention to hammer traditional Tory supporters in his Autumn Statement.

Back then, the Boys in the Bubble were so obsessed with the fall-out from the Brexit referendum that hardly anyone noticed what he was up to.

All you need to know, though, is that Hammond's mini-Budget in November was broadly welcomed by the Guardian. That in itself should have been enough to sound the air-raid sirens. But he largely got away with it.

Readers of this column, however, were left in little doubt. I wrote at the time: 'The essentially positive reaction to his Budget measures baffled me. Here was a so-called Conservative Chancellor targeting key Tory voters — pensioners, people who have invested in buy-to-let and the self-employed.'

On Wednesday, Spreadsheet Phil sounded like a smug second-rate Gordon Brown tribute act. He even managed the old trick of hiding a few tax rises in the small print.

As I watched the Budget on TV, the 'Breaking News' banners screamed: 'No tax increases on alcohol.' That didn't sound right, nor did it turn out to be true. Beer is going up 2p a pint, wine by 8p a bottle and spirits by 30p.

It's just that Phil 'forgot' to mention it in his speech.

But it was the increase in National Insurance contributions and the lowering of relief on dividends which really stuck the knife in. If Hammond had sincerely wanted to level the playing field, he could always have done what a proper Tory would do and slashed NI rates for those on PAYE.

But the world doesn't work like that. Bringing taxes 'into line' always involves people paying more, not less.

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Phil tried to justify this manifesto-shredding tax hike by claiming the increases were 'fair' because the self-employed will in future receive the same state pensions as full-time employees.

But this overlooks the fact, as I spelt out on Tuesday in advance of the Budget, that the self-employed don't enjoy the job security, sick pay, unemployment benefit, pensions and myriad other perks of those on PAYE.

You'd think Phil might understand that. After all, he grew up in Essex, spiritual home of White Van Man. He ran his own cash businesses, putting on discos and trading in second-hand motors. Did he declare every last penny to the taxman?

Perhaps he did. So why does he believe others are getting an unfair advantage from the system?

The answer is because he has been captured by the mandarins at the Treasury, who seem to believe that all money in circulation belongs to the Government and it's just a question of how much they generously allow us to keep.

They have no idea what goes on outside their gilded redoubt in Whitehall, where they enjoy taxpayer-funded jobs for life, handsome salaries and gold-plated, index-linked pensions when they take early retirement in order to join corporate accountancy firms, advising rich clients on how to minimise their tax liability.

There's also something slightly disgusting about a man who made millions from property development and now lives in some style in the Surrey stockbroker belt seeking to soak those who run far more modest enterprises.

Chancellor Philip Hammond walked to his car with the Budget Box after he left 11 Downing Street on Wednesday

These people are the backbone of Britain, creating wealth and jobs. Yet Hammond seems to think the self-employed are all stuffing bundles of notes under the mattress and avoiding tax on an industrial scale. If so, perhaps he'd like to explain in person his decision to increase NI contributions to stallholders on Romford Market or the car dealers on the London Road in Southend.

While he's at it, he could also attempt to justify slashing tax relief on dividends, which won't only affect small businesses but will also hit pensioners who rely on a modest shares portfolio to help fund their retirement.

Chuck in yet another increase in the tax on insurance premiums and Hammond seems to have gone out of his way to antagonise as many Tory voters as possible.All of these measures were cloaked in dishonesty, such as the pretence that those affected by the NI increase will only have to pay an 'average' of 60p a week.

And instead of simply scrapping the extortionate and indefensible rise in business rates, he merely announced a temporary cap for some sectors, such as pubs.

They'll still have to pay more, though, and what they 'gain' from his cap, they will probably lose through the till as drinkers recoil at paying still more for their pint.

It's also worth mentioning that when he was Transport Secretary, Hammond promised an end to the war on motorists. It emerged yesterday that ministers are looking at huge increases in taxes on diesel cars — which not so long ago the Government was encouraging us all to buy.

So much for Spreadsheet Phil, the safe pair of hands, who was so full of himself on Wednesday he thought he would try his hand at stand-up comedy. I was going to say: don't give up the day job, Phil. But after this Budget, it would be better if he did.

Most of his jokes were pretty lame. Certainly nowhere near as funny as Jeremy Corbyn, who tickled Theresa May so much she did a passable impression of Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally.

I'll have what she's having.

The Prime Minister shouldn't escape criticism for this car crash Budget, either. Presumably, as I also wrote back in November, she must have signed off on Hammond's tax rises. I'm guessing she isn't laughing this morning, as the impact on Conservative voters starts to sink in.

Phil trotted out a gag about Norman Lamont getting sacked by John Major just ten weeks after the then Prime Minister had heaped praise on his Budget. Talk about tempting fate.

When Mother Theresa sacked Hammond's predecessor, she advised Boy George to spend some time getting to know his own party members.

The same advice should now be given to Hammond. If he had an iota of political awareness he would never have contemplated bringing in a Budget guaranteed to punish millions of his party's natural supporters.

A policeman's wife is working as a prostitute, with the full approval of Scotland Yard. PC Scott Frost said: 'My bosses are completely and utterly aware of it and have said there's no conflict of interest.' Sarah Jane Frost, who has a 36G bust, charges £80 for a 'girlfriend experience' and £130 for the full hour. She has also appeared in hundreds of porn films. I wonder what the Yard's first female commissioner, Cressida Dick, makes of it. I know we live in enlightened times, but the fact that a copper's missus is on the game is bound to raise a few eyebrows in the canteen. Still, the police are always complaining about lack of money and curbs on overtime. Maybe the Met could relax the rules so that WPCs could supplement their wages with a little light sex work.

Cressida Dick (pictured) is the current Metropolitan Police Commissioner - the first woman to be in the role

Men will pay good money for women in uniform. Who could forget that fabulous scene in Only Fools And Horses when Del mistakes a WPC for a strippagram?

Women police officers could always ply their trade underneath lamp-posts outside the Nags Head at chucking out time. It would certainly be one way of getting a few more bobbies back on the beat.

Get your trousers off — you're not nicked!

Why do some people still refer to washed-up politicians like Michael Heseltine as 'big beasts'? They're not even yesterday's men. Or the day before yesterday's men, for that matter. Extinction can't come soon enough.

Two transgender activists from Pakistan are reported to have been tortured to death in police custody in Saudi Arabia. So can we now expect those British 'trans' campaigners who have been persecuting Jenni Murray for a few unexceptional remarks to stage a mass demonstration outside the Saudi embassy in London? Thought not.

Jenni Murray (pictured) sparked a fierce debate with her claim that a sex change can't make someone a real woman

Hidden in the Budget were plans to slap 20 per cent VAT on mobile phone calls made outside the EU. This is a vindictive little tax, simply for the sake of it, which will raise virtually nothing. Anyway, we're leaving the EU. Aren't we?