poets soul

Oh how many times will my fingers make love to these keys and speak of the same tender soul…? My guess is that it will happen for as long as I have the strength to type. I am the strongest and yet, most weak person I know, and as far as I can tell, it’s never going to change.

I have to fight hard to not be ruled by my emotions in life. I feel big and it can take over at times. My mind says one thing, but it’s like a whisper. Then my heart says another, and it’s a full on roaring scream. My heart is always louder than my mind, and this gets me into some trouble sometimes.

I don’t know how to be any different. I tell my heart to cool it, but she is stubborn and fierce and a force to be reckoned with all on her own. When I care for someone, I feel it with all of my soul. I feel for their hurts and pain, I feel for their big life moments, I feel for their fears, and I always desire seeing and loving the dark parts they keep hidden from the world. I’m a nurturer and a lover to my core and always just want to love other’s hurts whole. It is somehow intensely in my DNA to love others even though I’m so very much cut from a different cloth emotionally from my biological parents.

When I get close to someone, my emotions take on a snowball effect. I start off small and just have a piqued interest. But as a connection grows stronger, my emotions grow with it. The more emotional intimacy there is, the stronger it is. The more physical intimacy is added to that, then the emotion is even stronger. The snowball grows and I lose control over being able to keep my heart in check. My head whispers for me to stop it, but my heart is screaming about my poets soul and being a hopeless romantic and just imagine all of the wonderful possibilities…. The heart wins. And sometimes–that means the heart hurts.

Do you want to know the craziest part of this all? I never give up. I’ve been hurt deeply so many times, and I just never give up. I’m made to love and so that is what I do. I have a deep-seated faith that it will pay off one day, and maybe even soon. And when it does, it will make every hurt up to that point worth it. Strong in faith and weak in love…that is me.

Social media is great in many ways, but man, sometimes it sucks! Going through a breakup is one of those times I hate social media, and this time was the worst.

“We can still be friends,” he says as he’s breaking my heart weeks ago and saying he wants to move out.

I cried, “I don’t want to be your friend. I want to be your girlfriend.”

I wanted a piece of him still, even if it meant without a romantic relationship, so I agreed to be friends. I noticed how he’d pulled away suddenly and how his actions were contradicting his words, but I was so lost and confused in the center of the storm that I didn’t consciously think much about it. During the several day period where we were in the middle, in purgatory, with him still living with me after he’d said he wanted to end it, but then changing his mind and saying he wanted to keep trying, everything he was saying was telling me between the lines that he was leaving. Deep down I knew he was gone for good and that someone else had his attention already.

“If it doesn’t work out, I know you’ll be okay. You’re a strong woman.”

“You’ll find someone new who will be your forever, I’m sure of it.”

“I’m just going to focus on me and my kids,” he says, but then one breath later, “You should get out and have fun and meet new people,” and, “Be young and wild and free.”

Why? Why do I need to get out? Why do I need to meet new people? Why are you pushing me out there and then encouraging me to go party of all things? How fast are you moving with someone else to be coming at me with this stuff when you still have belongings that haven’t even been moved out of my house yet?

I’m not stupid. I may have had some serious denial going on and even been foolish for all of my hoping, but I’m definitely not stupid, and I knew exactly what these statements meant. These statements meant there was already another girl. These statements meant he didn’t want to feel guilty and if I quickly found someone else, he wouldn’t have to. I knew this was true because it was only a matter of days before there were flirty statuses going up on Facebook from him that were clearly intended for one person, and it wasn’t me. Wanting to continue with the goal of being friends and knowing it would just take some time to not be so sensitive to that stuff, I simply unfollowed him.

I pushed forward with my life without him. I started working out, I quickly found a support system of just a few friends that I could talk to and rely on, and I started focusing on the important things in my life that had nothing to do with him.

One of my most important tasks was to find a second job. I was terrified of what that could mean for me and scared that I would have to work 7 days a week. I’m a mother and my children, even though they are teenagers, still need me. I have to take care of me to take care of them and it’s hard to take care of me if I never get a day off of work.

Well, there have been some rapid changes over the last few days. One is that I got hired and start working a second job next week. The manager was very kind when I talked with him about the hours I’m looking for and what my schedule is like for my main job. He said he intends to work me 3 evenings a week and understands that I’m still hoping to get one day off a weekend so that I have one day off from both jobs and will work with me on that too.

Another change is that I actually went on a date. It was wonderful. It was with a friend I’ve known for years and he was incredibly sweet and gentlemanly. It was a lovely reminder that I’m still a woman and more than just a mom and employee, that I am desirable, and that I am wanted. I won’t go into details here, but I can say that I’m very much hoping we’ll get together again.

The last change is that yesterday when I was getting ready to start work, I thought to myself that I’m in a great mood and I’m getting over the old relationship and maybe I can look at his Facebook page without getting upset. I was immediately greeted with the confirmation of what I already knew to be true. There’s a new woman. I was taken aback. It’s not that there’s just someone new in general, because I already knew that was the case within days of him moving out, but to already be posting together and putting pictures up. . . I’ll spare you all my thoughts on this, but I will say that I realized in that moment, being friends is unnecessary. Clearly, it doesn’t matter what I think and feel to him and that’s not what friends are. I didn’t cry when I saw it. In fact, I wasn’t filled with any intense emotion (can I get an amen for healing?!), and I was proud in that moment that I wasn’t tempted to lash out at anyone. It was time to take my next big girl step and hit the unfriend button. We weren’t friends before we dated; there’s no need to be friends now. I clicked that button and smiled. Chapter closed.

Waking up today and getting everyone ready and out the door for the first day of school, I have been in an amazing mood. I’m handling my business. I’ve got my own back. I feel happy again! Finding a job took away a ginormous amount of stress. I now know that I have a plan. I know what has to happen to get our necessities covered. I also know that the activity of working another job will help my weight loss along. All of these things will make me feel better emotionally and mentally and once again, confidence will shine through. Just as I mentioned in my post The Weak Hunt the Wounded about how broken people attract more broken people, the opposite is also true. With me feeling great and confident and happy, those are also the people I will attract in my life.

So, my friends, things are good! I’m onto a new chapter and new adventures and I couldn’t be more excited for it. Here’s to a new page turned!

I’ve heard before that grief is like a drunk family member leaving a get together. He’s announced he’s leaving and he’s got his hand on the door and all of his stuff in his hands, but then he steps back in and he just keeps talking. The process then repeats. That’s exactly what grief is like. Just when you think you can pull yourself together and it’s all going to be okay and that grief is going to leave, it steps right back into the living room and sets his stuff back down.

It’s been almost 12 years since I held my baby, rocked her, and sang to her as she took her last breaths here on earth. That’s 11 birthdays, 11 Christmases, 11 Mother’s Days, and so much more missed. Countless kisses, learning to ride a bike, booboos I can soothe, “I love you, Mommy”, moments of watching her sleep peacefully, brushing her hair, late night snuggles and talks, school concerts, and dancing in the kitchen have all been taken from me.

When my sweet baby first passed, I thought I was going to die from heartache. I thought there would literally be a chance that I would close my eyes and drift off to sleep and my heart would just stop beating because it hurt so badly. I prayed every night that God would bring her to me in my dreams so that I could snuggle and nurse her and breathe in her sweet baby aroma even if only for a moment. He didn’t though and almost 12 years later, I still wish that He would.

I used to write her poems. I wrote them randomly at first and then I wrote them on her birthdays and the anniversaries of her entering Heaven. Writing has always been my coping mechanism to help the chaos in my soul and losing her has been no different.

I initially started out writing this post with an entirely different plan and story to tell, but I just can’t right now. Instead, I’m baring my already naked soul to you all in a different way. Some day I will tell that story, but for today, I’m just sharing some old posts and poems.

For her 9th birthday I wrote:

Another One
I have a heartache, for which there is no cure,
I know a pain that most never will.
It claws, and it burns, and it tears me apart,
Yet, for it’s hurt, there is no pill.

It doesn’t matter how many years pass,
This day always takes me right back.
Back to the day you came into this world,
Up until the day that you passed.

You should be turning 9 years,
But you never even made it to three months old.
I didn’t get enough time with your precious smile,
Didn’t get enough time with you to hold.

I ache every day for you,
But on this day the ache is a little more fierce.
I miss you, and I love you,
And forever my heart, with grief, is pierced.

Happy ninth birthday, Gracie,
This poem is all I get to do.
So until next year’s day,
Know that Mama truly loves and misses you.

For the 10th anniversary of her passing, I wrote:

It’s been 3,652 days. 522 weeks. 10 years. 1 decade since I held you in my arms as you took your last breath. In some ways, it seemed to fly by. In other ways, the time crawled. Every moment of the last ten years my heart has ached with the loss of you. Here I am, all these years later, and I still feel like I have a gaping wound in my soul. It will never heal. That hole will never be closed. I love and miss you with all that I am, Gracie. I’m in no hurry to leave this earth, but I’m joyous knowing that when I do, we’ll be reunited and enjoy eternity together in His kingdom. ♡

For her 8th birthday, the day before it I wrote:

TomorrowI just cried so hard it felt like the world was gonna end.Tomorrow, we were supposed to celebrate the day you turn eight,But instead, I remember every moment of your two months that I can,And even after all these years, I still can’t believe this was your fate.

Missing you, I think and wonder about you so much.Would you prefer your hair short or long, worn up, down, in braids, or in curls?Would you be the girl outside playing sports and getting dirty,Or would you be the one trying on dress after pretty dress, turning in the mirror and watching as it twirls?

A million questions I will never have the answers to,Yet they constantly plague my heart and mind anyway.These are not the thoughts and pains I should be having to endureAs we celebrate what should be your happy birthday.

Gracie, I’ll miss you each day that I have breath in me.Forever on this earth, I’ll have a gaping hole in my heart.But, my sweet baby girl, don’t you worry,I take comfort in the knowledge that there will come a day we will no longer be apart.

In January of 2006, I wrote:

In Time

My life must continue now,Even though grief tore it apart.The pain was enough to kill me
I thought I’d die from a broken heart.
But my family needs me stable.
My kids need me to be strong.
I know I’ve gotten better
‘Cause in the beginning, I thought I couldn’t go on.
I thank the Lord for every day,
Each day is a gift from God above.
I’ve gotten where I am now
From his all-powerful, never ending love.
Someday, I will see her again,
And a joyful reunion it will be.
Because, in time, life will continue.
It will be my family, Gracie, and me.

In 2013, I wrote:

Never should a mother out live her child,Never should a mother have this ache in her soul.Forever and always part of me will be broken,Because without you I’m never quite whole.

My sweet, precious baby,Without you, I should not be.My whole heart aches for the loss of you,This pain, I’ll never be free.

As your birthday nears once again,The pain is once again brand new.Because no matter what joy life brings me,I’ll always be without you.

Gracie ****** *****, I love you with all that I am,And I live a life with a wound in my chest,Because no matter what comes my way,I’ll always feel pain, knowing I laid my sweet baby to rest.

I’m never going to be the same. I’m never going to not hurt. I’m never going to get to a point where I’m suddenly all better. For the rest of my entire life, I will deeply miss her, I will ache intensely, and I will be incomplete.

Happy birthday once again, my sweet angel. There will never be enough words to tell you how much I truly love you and will forever. Rest peacefully with the angels until I see you again…

I’ve said before that this whole thing has been intense. It still is. It kind of has me lost in my own little world. There’s an entire chaotic world going on around me, and yet I’m largely oblivious and stuck in my own head and heart. 7 weeks of this now and I’m still caught up in the whirlwind.

We were supposed to move slowly, and in some ways we have. Largely though, we have moved fast. The connection was fierce from the beginning. There was a definite desire to constantly be connected to each other, to see each other, to talk and to laugh and to kiss. It has been all-consuming. This man has stirred my entire being from the depths of my soul…and this scares the hell out of me.

I have put much effort into keeping myself reigned in. I’m an intense feeler and this often gets me hurt in life. The last thing I want is to be hurt again. But I am raw and vulnerable and at risk now. I held it in so well initially. I bit my tongue more often than normal. I constantly reminded myself that we need to move slowly, that he is fresh out of a bad relationship and that wound is still gaping, and that I don’t want to drag my children through another breakup; therefore, I need to keep myself together and not let emotion take over. But it’s a losing battle now. He has my heart. All of it. I may be able to hold back my words with him, but there’s nothing left of my heart to suppress.

He makes it so easy to fall though. From his humor and insane ability to make me laugh even when I don’t feel like it, to the incredibly sweet things that he says, to the kind gestures of things like tucking my hair behind me ear to get it out of my face, this man has me hooked. I hear the things that he says about my children and how he pays attention to what they talk about, and I melt. I listen to the stories from his past and notice how he doesn’t hide the emotion of that stuff from me, and I melt. When we are intimate, he touches me in ways I’ve never been touched before, and I don’t mean with sexual skill but with true tenderness, and again, I melt. Everything about him makes me crave him more. He’s more of a man than most men I know. He’s noble and generous and morally sound and loving and protective. He is everything I want.

While writing about this makes it so easy for my heart to swoon just thinking about it, I again have to remind myself that this is scary still. There are no promises of forever. There are no declarations of love. While my heart is overflowing, his is still guarded. While I feel that “L word” every day, he is unsure. While I feel firmly one way and would have no problem telling him or anyone else how I feel, he doesn’t know that he even knows how. This is terrifying. And comforting. And crazy. And addictive. It is the whirlwind that is my life.

Being such a tender soul is my biggest strength, my biggest weakness, and my biggest flaw—all in one. It makes me extremely empathetic. It makes me the kind of person that would give the shirt off my back to someone more in need of it. It makes me cry for other’s pain, share in other’s joy, and understand others’ frustration. Unfortunately, it also makes me easy to use, to be taken advantage of, and to be hurt. I hand the entire world the keys to my heart as my giant heart is always on my sleeve. I care deeply, hurt richly, and love intensely. I’m one of the few. I’m set apart. Being unique is supposed to be a good thing, but it’s painful. I long for others to truly understand me. I long to be loved like I love others. I long to be cherished for being this kind of person.

I wish all too often that I could shut off my heart. I wish that I did not get so easily wrapped up in others. I wish that I didn’t automatically feel so much for others that I click with because I end up with a broken heart way more often than I should allow myself to. Whether it is friendship, a romantic interest, and even family, I get let down by the teeter-totter effect of emotion. I don’t want to be affected this much. I don’t want to be pained over others that don’t even let me cross their minds. I am so sick and fucking tired of crying over the impact of others’ actions and the hold they have on me.

Where do I go from here? I’m on the precipice of change. Once again, it is a big, life changing moment upon me. And what do I do about it? In private, I cry and grieve over all that I cannot control. Hot tears well up and spill. But as weak as I feel with tenderness, I also know that I get up each day and take on the world because I am strong. I may hurt inside, but I put a smile back on my face, I feel renewed hope and strength, and each and every single day of my life, I kick a little ass. I may not be able to fix how much my heart cares or how others treat me or accept me, but one thing I know is that I absolutely can control that I will not be broken by the world. I will not be bitter. I Will. Not. Be. Defeated.

I have written poems for men who don’t even deserve to cross my mind.
I’ve loved friends in ways that they never deserved to be cared for.
I’ve cried hot tears for people that hurt me without giving a second thought.
And I’ve given pieces of myself away to those that had no idea I craved more.

I’ve skinned my knees and picked myself back up.
I’ve stumbled and even fallen, but recovered on my own strength.
I’ve felt stupid and foolish but I have still smiled,
And to hide my hurts, I’ve sometimes gone to great lengths.

Not many deserve my love and loyalty.
In fact, I’d say it’s just a small few.
But for even those that don’t deserve it,
Love, support, encouragement, and even just friendly smiles,
I always continue to do.

It’s truly the way I’m built by the hand of God.
A tender soul is putting it mildly.
I may seem weak, or foolish, or even daft to some,
But I just believe I’ve simply been created to give and love purely and wildly.