Welcome. I live with Schizoaffective Disorder, formerly diagnosed as Schizophrenia. This blog, created in 2005, is about what goes on inside my mind. It is about coping, living, and advocacy. You will find information on what psychosis, delusional thoughts, and suicidality are like, by a person who has had those experiences. Most of all, you will find a story of hope. If you have a mental illness, know you are not alone.

Monday, April 21, 2008

I am not acutely psychotic. That is the positive aspect of my current situation. I am telling myself this like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz chanting, "there's no place like home". I am not psychotic.

I am, however, horrendously depressed. Or as I used to say when I was younger and read a great deal of Plath's poetry "in the bell jar". So, right now, actually I am in the deep trenches of depresseive despair - deep inside the bell jar - and do not know how to get myself out of here.

Taking note of my symptoms, I notice that I have lost interest in activities I usually enjoy (like writing this blog, or writing emails). I have cut off contact from other people, thereby isolating myself. I have become despondent. I have lost all motivation to accomplish pretty much anything.

I am definitely in the DSM-IV category for depression, it seems.

The problem for me is not usually that I don't know there's a problem. I have plenty of insight into my problems. The problem is that I don't know how to fix things.

I long for a magic pill to bring me back up to my regular speed of existing. Prozac just isn't cutting it.

A beautiful flower...

A bit about me and a favorite poem

I'm a 30-something feminist vegetarian quickly becoming a cat lady. I live with Schizoaffective Disorder, formerly diagnosed as Schizophrenia, as well as Sjogren's Syndrome, an autoimmune disease and Fibromyalgia. I love to laugh. I love doing advocacy to create awareness about mental illnesses, and am available for public speaking on this issue. I also love this poem: "On Stripping Bark From Myself" by Alice Walker:
"Besides:
My struggle was always against
an inner darkness: I carry within myself
the only known keys
to my death - to unlock life, or close it shut
forever. A woman who loves wood grains, the colour
yellow
and the sun, I am happy to fight
all outside murderers
as I see I must." I also like this quote by Zora Neale Hurston:
"There is no agony like bearing an untold story inside of you."
Some friends call me Daisybee.