I was going to PM some of you to say I won't be coming here anymore. I am at the end of my rope. I litterally begged for a hug from my boyfriend (which I didn,t get) and I will not continue to humiliate myself this way.

If I didn't love this man, it wouldn't hurt like this. I feel like a failure for not being able to go through this. I feel like I'm failing myself, my boyfriend and all the guys here who are working so hard on their recovery. I hate the fact that I have become one of these women who just couldn't handle it but after 11 months of not even having been to his place, I'm calling it quits. I didn't even say this to him. After I said that all I needed was a hug, he looked at me and just said his wall was up. I knew I wouldn't get a hug and it hurt me so much that I said I was going home and left him there, on that bench. I saw the hurt on his face and I feel like such a bad person. You should have seen the look on his face he was so hurt. I was always able to see beyond his coping mechanisms but now I have to admit defeat. His mechanisms are so strong, they literally pushed me aside. And the look on his face... If he only could see me as clearly as I see him, he would ... I don't know.

I'm so hurt, you guys. I don't recall being this hurt in my whole life. the look on his face, it's driving me crazy. When he realized I was walking away, I could see him without a wall, without anything and all I could see is that I hurt him. I'm just feeling awful. I want him to knock on my door and tell me everything is going to be all right but I know it won't happen.

The worst part is that he's going to think he doesn't matter to me. He's going to start thinking that I never loved him since I could turn around and leave.

I'm not a monster. I just needed a hug.

Edited by Pattycakes (06/23/1011:45 PM)

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If you judge people, you have no time to love them.-Mother Theresa

thing is I've never been to his place, never met his friends, there is absolutely no place for me in his life. He says it frustrates him to not be able to let me in, literally and figuratively.

Actually, KingFred, the hug is what I needed. He can't do that for me when I need it, only when he feels he wants to. I ended up in chat last night and two amazing guys there gave me hugs, encouragement and they don't even know me. And now you too. You are all strangers and I have never met you and you are being supportive of me after yourselves going through 'difficult' times. You are not a fan of hugs and still send me one. I'm being given here what I want him to give me and you guys being so wonderful only sheds more light on the fact that he's absolutely not there for me. I love this man. More than he thinks he deserves and that's part of the problem. I deserve a hug. I deserve to be able to invite him to a bbq on Canada Day with a chance of him saying yes. It's his birthday soon and he keeps saying he wants to turn his life around. Things don't just happen. They have to be felt, he needs to START recovery.I can't push, pull or force him into that. I can only step back now. It doesn't change anything if I'm there or not. After 11 months, that's the heartbreaking conclusion. I waited 5 months for him to be comfortable enough to give me his phone number. I've been supportive, loving, caring. These emotions have been almost sucked dry from me and whatever's left, I need to keep for myself. For I know I'm a good person and I need to support and love myself too as well as take care of myself.I am heartbroken. The only thing that still brings warmth in my heart is the fact that you guys were nice to me and that you accepted me for who I am. You could all see how much I love him and how much I cheered for him. He can't see that. I know he wants to.Anyways, I'm moving soon and I need to pack my things today. Won't do me any good to cry. I could end up packing my cat by mistake.

I wish all of you guys all the best in your recovery. to all of you who have significant others, please take 30 seconds today to give them a hug. To all of you who don't have someone in their lives, you should know that everyone of you is worth being loved and today you should take 30 seconds to give yourself a hug.

Very sincerely,Pattycakes

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If you judge people, you have no time to love them.-Mother Theresa

Pattyscakes, I need to go back through your posts and read your story. Your bf seems like he's in a really bad place right now. After 11 months with you I'm not sure why he is so very distant. I will go read about your situation more and then try to comment. I have been married for 17 yrs (with H for 19) and knew of his abuse from the start. It's been a long tough rough and we are at the worst of it right now cuz he acted out and put our relationship at great risk. I don't know if I can be of any help from the "partner" side of things. I feel your love for him but I can also say that I've had a lonely life at times with my H and he wasn't pushing me away literally .... he just wasn't opening up and building intimacy with me. At this point in our marriage we "should" be soul mates. He says he feels we are but you can't have a secret hidden sexual lifestyle while allowing your "soul mate" to think everything is fine. Something definitely is missing and I think it's because I've given extra emotionally .... I've filled in the holes when he wasn't able to give .... I overcompensated for what was lacking <----- does that make sense?

Hugs to you ... don't leave this site .... I just found it! Hang in there!

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... when you feel like you are falling to the bottom remember God will either catch you or teach you how to fly

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