How To Keep Kin In A United State

August 31, 1988|By Marguerite Kelly

QUESTION: I am married -- for the first time -- to a very good Moslem who was born and reared in Pakistan.

He and his first wife had four children who still live there with his parents. We are working very hard to bring the children to live with us in the United States. We visited them in May for a month and I got to know them fairly well.

The eldest child is 17. Unlike most men from his background -- who practically demand that the first child be a son -- my husband was delighted to have a daughter and still is. It is obvious to everyone that she is his favorite.

She and I didn't spend much time together and, when we did, there was the language problem. I must admit that I was a bit uneasy and jealous.

The second child is a 15-year-old son and my husband has a problem with him. When he last saw the children five years ago, the boy was in awe of him. This left my husband totally unprepared for the young man who greeted him and who rebelled at his orders. My husband seems unable to understand the change. For the two younger girls, ages 6 and 11, it was love at first sight, but I foresee problems. When they come here, I will be the one who tells them what to do, how to do it and when to do it, and then I will have to pass out the right punishment when they disobey.

How does a totally inexperienced parent go from playfellow to mother without causing the children too much shock and resentment?

ANSWER: Parents can expect many changes in their children when they are separated from them and some resentment, too. No matter how valid the reason, children seldom accept this absence kindly.

This situation calls for a pound of prevention.

You and your husband would be wise to have a few sessions with a family therapist to decide how many children to import and when.

This psychologist -- or psychiatrist or clinical social worker -- will also help you define and mesh your philosophies, so you won't be telling each other how to act with the children, a tactic that usually breeds trouble.

Your husband will learn that obvious favoritism is a bad idea. All children have special characteristics and special values that make them lovable in one way or another.

The sessions may also help your husband realize he must be above power plays with his children, especially with the child who is nearly a man. A 15- year-old, already so conscious of his changing status and his ripening sexuality, will defend to the last his right to exercise his judgment, even though it shifts with the wind. These sessions should make you scrutinize your own insecurities too, to see why you need to compete with a 17-year-old. She may be too flirty with her dad -- that wouldn't be unusual after such a long absence -- or you may feel that she mocks you or overshadows you.

While the two younger children will probably look upon the move as a great (and scary) adventure -- one which you and they will want to hasten -- the older two may have as many misgivings as you do. Ask for their opinions, if only so that they will accept the final decision with grace.

Unless you and your husband think you can guide them, one or both of the older children should probably stay in Pakistan until they finish high school. They could then come to the United States for college or a job, when they would be old enough to live on their own much of the time if things didn't work out at home.

The chances for a smooth transition with all the children are better if you prepare for it now. Learn to speak some Pakistani -- if only as a gesture of your good will. Write all the children often and send them fashionable trinkets and American books written for their age level, so they can get a sense of the way young Americans live.