Match.com Ads Suck

I recognize that Match.com wants me to know that one out of five relationships begin online. I think that’s great! But I can’t help but wonder why they only recorded the awful, awkward dates?

I’m going to present the text from them in a series of short plays I call “Oh, God, Really? I’m Sorry.”

1st Ad

Her: So you’re from a small town?

Him: Yeah. Really small. The whole thing is about the size of this.

Gestures to restaurant. Awkward laughter. Fade out.

2nd Ad.

Him: So what do you do for fun?

Her: I just started taking tango lessons! painfully long pause. I almost broke someone’s nose off! But it was fun.

Him: Eyes widen, long pause. For you.

Look, this isn’t how a good first date works. A good first date isn’t full of painful pauses. It hinges on you having common interests. And for it to go really well, the interests have to be insanely obscure. They can’t be like “you hate being cold? Me too!” If a first date is going well, then both of your are going to seem like psychic lunatics. This. This is what Match.com should be advertising:

3rd Ad That I Made Up

Him: …And that is why I quite being an English Professor and became a billionaire inventor of robots.

Her: Double plus good!

Him: Brave New World is better.

Her: Fact, maybe, insofar as it inspires you to be a cowboy from the future. The slang is great in that, too. You know what was a good phrase that never got picked up?

Him: Pneumatic.

Her: You are psychic, let us be wed, billionaire inventor of robotics.