The Councilguy Conspiracy

But you don’t know how hard they work, out there on the streets, shakin’ hands all day, eating at Official Luncheons, rubbin’ elbows with the hoity-toity people of Greeley.

You don’t know how many HOURS they put in at the salt mines, trying to make life easier for us little guys.

No-o-o-o. All you people think about is what the Councilguys AREN’T doing. They keep putting off the votes, like they did with the Regional Transportation Thingy and now with the increase in our taxes to pay for road work.

Just because they like to put off votes on stuff for several days or several weeks or several years, doesn’t mean they don’t care.

Why, just the other day, while I was just COINCIDENTALLY hiding out in the bushes outside city hall at midnight and nobody else was around, and one of the Councilguys came out and was talking to another of the Councilguys, and I ACCIDENTALLY overheard them: “We need to dig more on 20th.”

Recommended Stories For You

And I didn’t understand what they were talking about until the other Councilguy said, “You’re right. The people aren’t mad enough, yet.”

At first, I figured this was some kind of Councilguy Code that they use so nobody can understand what they’re talking about. If you’ve ever watched a City Council meeting, you know the code is working, because about half the time nobody knows what they’re talking about.

Anyway, since I’d just ACCIDENTALLY overheard them, I didn’t know what they were talking about, of course, until I went out to 20th Street.

And saw for myself.

What we’ve got on 20th Street are potholes. Maybe 6 gadzillion of them, right there in the street, where they rattle the bones of your car and jar your teeth and make your butt bones sore when you bounce up and down, up and down, up and down.

So, I secretly watched 20th Street for a few days, just to see what was going on there, so I could figure out what was going on with the Councilguys.

Then it hit me. Councilguy No. 1 said, “We need to dig more on 20th.” And Councilguy No 2 said, “… The people aren’t mad enough.”

“IT’S NOT A CODE!” I yelled to myself. “IT’S A CONSPIRACY!”

Which, because I was standing in the middle of the road on 20th Street shouting about conspiracies, people were slowing down to stare at me.

To heck with them.

Anyway, after several, long minutes of deduction, I’ve finally figured out the Councilguy Conspiracy:

The city is digging potholes on 20th Street. In the dark of night, so nobody will see them. City workers, dressed all in black. With ski masks.

“And why,” you ask, “would the city be digging potholes on 20th Street?

2. It made about 65 zillion potholes all over town, and it’s the city’s responsibility to fix them.

3. The city likes tax money.

Well, there you go. Now you know what the Councilguy Conspiracy is all about.

What? You don’t understand my three-point plan to the conspiracy?

This is how it works, in a Second Three-point Super Secret Plan:

1. Drivers have to drive on the streets, which are full of potholes.

2. The city officials, while ACTING like they’re filling them, are actually digging new potholes.

3. As we drivers keep hitting potholes, it makes us mad and makes us all WANT to support the new city tax.

Therefore:

Gnarly’s Axiom: More potholes mean more tax money for the Councilguys.

Next week we explore Greeley City Manager Roy Otto: Is he really a shape-shifting lizard, planted here by aliens to take over the world?

The name Gnarly Trombone was taken from an 1871 Cincinnati newspaper that misread Horace Greeley’s handwritten name of the Greeley Tribune. Mike Peters is a Tribune staff writer. He may be e-mailed at mpeters@greeleytribune.com.