Sunday, August 9, 2009

Not too long ago I was blogging about my trip to San Francisco, my weekend with Bray. This time, it's about his suicide of this Monday. Wednesday I got a call from his Mom named Joy. She asked me if I'd heard from him, that he's been missing since Monday. She found my card in his bag...when she said that, I just had this strange feeling. My worst fears were realized this morning. It was about 1:30am, just about to go asleep on Matt's couch...but I wanted to check Bray's facebook page one more time. When I signed on...saw the 'Memorial' and 'Tributes'...I thought Oh no, Oh my God...no, no, no...not again. I couldn't even read them completely through. I've been invited to a Memorial...I can't even decline the RSVP. It's the last thing I want to do, to cry with all these people, though I feel the pain of loss...I've had so much loss...emotionally I just can't handle it. When I see Bray's picture from out photo shoot, when I see all the dozens of emails...still in my Inbox...my heart just shakes and trembles...I can still hear his voice, feel his soft skin, feel him breath in and out...telling me all about his life, his dreams of fame and fortune. Words can't do very much...honestly...I can't deal with all this stuff...I mean, I've had so many friends today loving me...telling me not to give up my photo essay and they've encouraged me to finish my documentary...but in a way...I really don't care to...but then, I need to I suppose. When I got in my car to leave Matt's and go to LeStat's for coffee before going to work...turning on the radio to FM 94.9...these lyrics to some song played...then I turned off the radio.