Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Once again I have to face the fact that I have allowed myself to be something other than the man I think I should be. It is stupid and I have no explanation why I am as I am, and why this has been something which has followed me on and off for years.

It's the damned clutter/mess build up issue. I leave places in as good or better shape than I find them, yet while there I seem to become overwhelmed by my own mess and clutter. Damned if it hasn't happened again.

The result is that I never invite anyone over, and I hide like a scared mouse from the landlord. In my case, I am renting a cottage from very nice people. Yet I think I feel I have somehow violated a trust because this place is a total clutter fest---boxes, papers, containers not yet opened and sorted from the move two years ago, lost plates in the mess, empty water bottles and I don't know what. I've been here before. Too ashamed to let anyone in, and too befuddled to fix it until there is no choice.

Now there is no choice. Mr R wants to paint the front porch and posts in front--TOMORROW. Painting the wood stoop may mean actually opening the door. Yikes!!! He is a naturally neat type. His carport workshop is orderly, a place for all and all in its place. Cars are always immaculately clean. Woe is me.

So...I have hatched a plan.

Since I am not quite as steeped in fear of fellow humans as I was a few years ago in Memphis, and Greensboro before that, I'm not so paralyzed.

I will move all these containers to the back deck, move the myriad of trash to trash bags, maybe even opening an unopened piece of mail or two, I will then be able to see the floor which can be vacuumed. I will start at about 3AM, in case I don't feel like doing it this minute.

Then I can deal with whatever is in the containers, consolidate, reject the needless, donate the worthy, and become somewhat organized. It is not that damned complicated but of all the things in life it is by far the most painful of tasks to me. I find dealing with power outages and hurricane damage less taxing.

This personal weakness is one reason I never bitch about who works and who doesn't. I merely focus on the fact that no one has the right to steal or demand support from others. If that landed me in the woods the so be it. I'd love to be able to blame THE MAN for my shortcomings, or my race, or the fact that I'm not gay, but I cannot.

We shall overcome. This is the perfect opportunity to get moving on with life. All my nearly baked and half baked schemes and plans rely on this clutter dissolution anyway. It is a sign.

So is the ambivalence about certain work in the wonderland place where I earn most of my money. Hedge your bets, young man!! That is what message I hear loud and clear. I'm particularly impressed that the Powers That Be call me "young" man.

I'm trying to program myself to think like the above board immigrants who sought freedom, and the right to carve out their own opportunities, in days past. That is slightly different from seeking a way to suckle off the governmental, publicly funded teat.

I'm amazed at the degree to which this country has reverted to a mentality of tribal, ethnically based politics, and bias. You cannot disagree, dislike, or criticize anyone's philosophy without it becoming an issue based on condition of birth rather than condition of ideology. It is of course more this way depending upon whom you criticize.

I believe those who can't resist that manner of quelling opposition have been duped. Obama's administration is no more about race than Bush's. Inviting the ethnic bigots into positions of power is merely a tactic to galvanize voter groups and stay in control, and in office.

The one ethnic group which is most difficult to solidify into a voter block is the one comprised of white Americans. By convincing all other groups to be angry and to aim that at whites, as if they had a racial agenda and more power than they actually do, you can garner a controlling interest in many respects. The difficulty comes when people think in terms of philosophy, right and wrong, and not in terms of race.

If it weren't for race constantly being thrown up in the news, and drawn into matters in which ethnicity is irrelevant, a huge portion, likely the majority of whites would rarely even think in such terms. Most still don't entertain private discussions on the matter, even though it is constantly thrown out there. Many fear that any analysis of the matter might get them accused of being racist, even though they are not.

It has been the goal of many to ensure that blacks and hispanics, among others, think always of ethnicity first, no matter what the issue. They have succeeded in instilling this mind set. They have also convinced various groups that the average white gathering includes racial talk, which is purely bogus.

I am sorry to see that Obama has fueled this fire, in what appears to be a very calculated manner. But, considering that his party and the republicans both seek something other than ensuring maximum choice and freedom for their constituents, it is not unusual that he would seek personal power, and power for his party no matter the ultimate cost to others.

That is one thing I definitely do not miss about the south, particularly Memphis and Atlanta--the ever present black bigotry. In the stores, on the street, everywhere. You notice the cases in which you can interact human to human because most of the time the atmosphere is anger because you aren't black. I don't need a history lecture, but maybe they do--I and my ancestors had zero to do with the past or present condition of Africa and Africans, and nothing to do with people in Memphis. I am of the era when it hurt more than helped if prospective employers knew my race going in.

One thing I do miss is the interaction with those of other ethnicity who are not racists and constantly seeing the world in those terms.

I've seen white racists too. The difference is that for many decades they've been loudly derided by other whites, and they are a very weak minority. In the case of black racists, this is not so. KKK gets shouted down by whites when they make a scene, New Black Panthers don't get that same very strong put down from blacks, they get a chorus of "black power".

Not equal freedom, period, or liberty for all--power, meaning control, based on ethnicity. That is the very thing that gave rise to the alleged roots of the anger. I say alleged because you'd think no one would want to be the same as that which they despise. Apparently it is not the act or philosophy they hate, only that they weren't of the slave owning class.*

*also note, since many not from the south do not know, only a very small percentage of people owned slaves, and some of those were black. That makes nothing right, as forcing involuntary servitude is pure evil and why I despise an ever intrusive state. Wrong is wrong but get the facts before blaming millions of uninvolved people a century or so after the fact. Why are you not outraged that there is still African owning African slavery in some areas? It absolutely is the most evil of acts--forced control over another human;

So, the mess will continue because how else can Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, and the NAACP stay in the spotlight and make money? And of course this obvious bigotry seems to bring neo nazis and kkk types back out of their hole. I notice I hear mention of KKK more than ever, not because of any gatherings or activities, but because the hate instigators keep bringing their name into the discussion to avoid discussing principles. That will of course summon them. It's like satanists performing rituals to summon the devil. What the hell is wrong with you?