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8 Explanations For The Lack Of Women In Star Wars

The cast announcement for Star Wars VII confirms that in a galaxy far far away, humans don’t have an equal male/female ratio, but a male-football-team-per-single-female referee/trophy combination rotio. Which is especially embarrassing since “a long time ago” is now 2014, and counting, and for fuck’s sake.

“Does this image STILL have a better gender ratio and message than the modern movies?”

The expanded universe has dozens of female characters. Hell, even the regular fan-fiction has more female characters, if only because you need at least a 1:1 ratio for most heterosexual sex fantasies, or the propagation of a species, or to even pretend that you aren’t sexist in the modern world. You have serious problems when you have a worse gender disparity than DarthFap’s twelve-part Chewie/Leia epic “Walking all over the carpet (and he likes it)”.

Which is why I’m trying to come up with other explanations for the mismatch.

Every actress approached went “Star Wars? That’s the one where the most powerful woman in the galaxy was made to prance in a bikini for an actual slug, right?”

Attempts to create an equally yonic weapon to balance out the phallic lightsaber caused every female Jedi to accidentally commit plasma-seppuku.

Why yes, the whole point of the Force is to be a magic ability which utterly negates any advantage based on physical strength or speed, but, uh, the secret fourth Jedi test is opening a jar in a room full of mice or something.

All other women removed from the plot by the powerful “Wearing More Prosthetics Than Clothes Creepy Alien Burlesque Dancers In Every Star Wars” union. All of whom were immediately publicly executed on screen for no clear reason.

Seriously, they wanted the “princess” and “stripper” tropes but only had one female character, and instead of realizing the problem they just did both. All they needed do was strip Solo near-naked for freezing and it would have had something for everyone. And Jabba could have used the carbonite wall as a coat-hanger.

Sure, I’d love to appear in an iconic movie, only to be cut before anyone could see me like those lady X-wing pilots (not) in the first movie.

They meant a really long time ago, like before sexual reproduction, and every person you see on screen reproduces asexually. Note that this is still less stupid than the real reasons, and still introduces less plot holes than the prequels.

“Maybe the midichlorians” but the person who even mentions those things is immediately beaten into silence, so we’ll never know.