Thursday, June 25, 2009

A New Phase and A Blog Change

I'm feeling a bit stronger than I have for a couple years which is great news. I have a long, long ways to go but I'm feeling a little encouraged. I feel very protective of this emerging strength.

I'm finding that I'm also rather terrified of what's ahead of me because I know what its going to look like. It's interesting to be feeling a little better because I'm realizing how alone I am and how absolutely not at home with myself I am. I also realize the absolute need to makes changes in my life that will support my emerging strength, enhance my sense of spirituality, and feel a sense of peace. Because of how sick I've been and prior to that all my efforts went towards completing my PhD on top of working full-time etc...I neglected friendships and let my support system go. I don't know how to go about making new friends when I have such limitations regarding energy etc...but find that I desperately need to establish a support system.

I'm also re-evaluating every aspect of my life. I realize that I have little tolerance for certain behaviors and little physical tolerance for a certain level of stress. I have no patience for people who have zero insight, refuse to accept responsibility for their behavior, are blaming, and have no desire to understand or take into account the fact that I'm this ill.

I feel like I have changed as a result of this illness and certain things that used to be okay with me no longer are. I can't pretend that certain things don't bother me, I no longer want to sacrifice my own values just to maintain certain relationships. I have reconnected with my desire to live, reconnect with a sense of soul and being in the world that I used to have but got drained out of me because of a certain level of stress that comes with hearing over and over again that my perceptions and/or aren't valid, aren't accurate or get corrected and minimized.

Anyway, due to the next phase of my reflections and journey as well as other reasons, I'm going to limit who has access to this blog. I want to make sure I stay in contact with the people who read my blog regularly so I'm assuming that if your on my list of followers you'll still have access to my blog?

I wanted to provide some warning about the blog change and my reasons for doing so. So if you are wanting to have access to my blog I guess it might be a good idea to add your name to the followers list (unless anyone knows differently and can tell me this works).

I just tried making this blog private but can't figure out how to do it. Does anybody know?

14 comments:

Anonymous
said...

Terri - YEA!!!!! Something good, VERY good, is coming from this horrible illness. A NEW YOU!!! Stronger, more determined, more sure. I'm going to assume I can stay connected thru Daph. I hope so. Lady, you so need to write a book about this.

You sound so good, Terri. Making such good decisions for yourself ~ it inspires me! I am so glad I am one of the followers as I really find your blog encouraging and insightful. It makes me think beyond my small little world..and stretches me to grow and be strong myself.

I think you have found the purpose of this illness that we all share. Becoming true to our "True" selves is, in my opinion, the reason for this journey that we take. It makes a shed the things that are not conducive to living our truth. In my case, I find that when I listen to my truth and follow it, I get better. When I fall back into my old ways of listening to others truths instead of my own, I become weaker.

Getting rid of "truths" that are not ours is one of the hardest things to do. It takes real courage.

It's great to hear your feeling so strong and positive. The best thing that we get from this illness is true insight to ourselves. You really seem to have found that. I'm very happy for you!!

I have also lost a lot of friends too. I'm going to join the Buddhist centre in the city and hope to meet new friends there. On my retreat I met some lovely people. I'm also going to go to some workshops and hope to meet people there who have been through similar experiences. In the future I also hope to set up a coffee morning/evening for ME/CFS sufferers.I just thought I'd share that as that is how I am going to begin to make new friends.

Good job. Truly. It sounds like you've really started to evolve, which I believe is the only way we can make heads & tails of this illness. Everything positive from this illness must come from within...we can't rationalize the outside world into an ally, but we can accept that it is no longer our enemy. We can't rationalize ourselves into having healthy bodies, but we can accept our body as perfect the way it is and try to open up the floodgates to the healing that is available.

I think the greatest weapon we have against this illness is love for ourselves. The love for others comes naturally after that. Loving ourselves takes away the ability of uncontrollable variables (i.e. others' behavior) to affect our well-being. It means we no longer reject ourselves & allow ourselves the joy that is available even in the most mundane "bad" CFS-anchored day.

You've come a long way in a short time, and I'm really glad I'm tagging along for your journey of personal growth.

Hi Terri...yes, this illness changes our priorities for sure, along with the incredible difficulty of making new friends. Actually we make them, but in a different way and more slowly. No more of the 'just spending time doing things with' friends. No toxic friends.

I'm glad you have more energy now. I'm now signed up as a follower of your blog twice:-) Couldn't find my picture in there. I don't know how to limit who sees or how to choose who sees. I have you on my feed on my blog so I hope that guarantees I can still see your blog.

Maybe googling 'making blogger.com posts private' may come up with an answer?

To Contact Me:

Links

About Me

I first became ill in July of 2007. Or at least that's when I started having symptoms that I couldn’t explain away with being too busy, too stressed, not eating enough, not getting enough rest, etc.
In August I passed out while eating in a restaurant. In September I remember climbing some stairs while visiting a museum in SF and feeling a sense of profound fatigue. As I climbed the stairs I thought to myself "it's as if my cells aren't getting enough oxygen"and for a minute worried I might have some sort of leukemia. During lunch I literally had to put my head down to sleep.
By the end of December of 2007 I was housebound due to dizziness, fatigue, cognitive impairment and a myriad of other symptoms.
I'd completed my dissertation in 2006 and awarded my PhD in Jan 07. I'd always been active, athletic, driven.
Imagine my surprise when this all happened. It's been a life changer.
This illness is not for the faint of heart. 20% of people with cfids commit suicide. It's a fact. The illness is that devastating. I used to believe that cancer was the worst thing one could have. I no longer believe that.
Luckily I plan on getting as well as I can with the right help