I have really had a hard time sharing my story. Although taking parts out of my diary appeared to be a lot easier for me, it still is a struggle. In my mind I can hear people say that I will never be free until I come to terms with my past in telling my story. I am not so sure anymore. Acceptance has never been the issue, moving forward has been hard but I did it. Is there scars from my past, yes! But they are only scars. No longer are they an open wound.

So please bare with me while I figure this out the best way I can. I believe there is hope for even the most hurt people if there is love around us. Without love though it is hard to survive. It takes your own self resiliance to survive. I do want to survive and believe this world has much to offer me.

I am not sure why God made me this way. So different, alone in my head. There really isn’t anyone to talk to. I have no friends that I can tell what I am feeling. I don’t like the darkness and it seems like there is darkness all around me. Why do they force me to do things I don’t want to do? There is something wrong with me, I know there is. I see and hear things.

I sense things coming and when bad things are going to happen. But my family think I am stupid so I can’t tell them these things. I get so scared to sleep because I know he will come and visit me in my dreams. I saw dragons last night and devils with long tails. They chase me, always so fast that sometimes I cannot breathe. I scream and scream but not one came to save me. God why don’t you take it away from me. I am not a bad girl.

Please God make them love me, and I promise I will be good.

Teen years.

I love him so much. No one told me what a kiss would feel like. Strange and beautiful. My heart beat so fast, to the music playing in the background while we danced. Just 16 years old and my life had changed for ever. We walked hand in hand and met his friends at his school. He was so proud of me. But I did not know anything about boys besides he was the most handsome boy on this earth. Blonde, blue eyes and a fantastic kisser. My new romance was soon to end as it was time to return home from holiday. We promised to write and meet again very soon.

I never heard from him again. His letters were kept from me. My heart is ripping apart. I love him and he loves me.

Goodnight God. I am so sad. Please please please take away my pain. I can’t cry any more. It hurts so much.

( Writers note: Garbrielles teen years were filled with much sadness and sorrow. She never experienced the joyful memories of friends and experiences that she can share or talk about in her adult life. She suffered much depression, anger, sadness, and overwhelming fear or rejection and loneliness. Friendships were very hard for her to make and still are. Her social life and career suffered tremedously until present day)

There are many entries in her diary about the sadness she suffered and how life was sometimes so difficult for her she wanted to leave this world. But she doesn’t want to rehash the past as those things are gone now. It is only the secrets she wants out and exposed so she can let go.

Since the beginning of time, there has never been another person like me Nobody has my smile nobody has my eyes, my nose, my hands, my voice. I’m special.

No one can be found who has my handwriting. Nobody anywhere has my tastes – for food or music or art. No one sees things just as I do.

In all of time there’s been no one who laughs like me, no one who cries like me. And what makes me laugh and cry will never provoke identical laughter and tears from anybody else, ever.

No one reacts to any situation just as I would react. I’m special.

I’m the only one in all of creation who has my set of abilities. Oh, there will always be somebody who is better at one of the things I’m good at, but no one in the universe can reach the quality of my combination of talents, ideas, abilities and feelings. Like a roomful of musical instruments, some may excel alone, but none can match the symphony sound when all are played together. I’m a symphony.

Through all of eternity no one will ever look, talk, think or do like me. I’m rare.

And, in all rarity there is great value.

Because of my great rare value, I need not attempt to imitate others I will accept – yes, celebrate – my differences.

I’m special. And I’m beginning to realize it’s no accident that I’m special. I’m beginning to see that God made me special for a very special purpose. He must have a job for me that no one else can do as well as I. Out of all the billions of applicants, only one is qualified, only one has the right combination of what it takes.

That one is me. Because . . . I’m special.

( I was given a copy of this a long time ago and want to share it with all those who doubt there is a purpose for all their life. We may not always see it, but we are all special in our own way)