Introduction

Hey. I'm amazed you've stopped to take a peak! I'm sorry to say that my blog is full of negative, atrociously positive, philosophical, or otherwise stupid posts concerning my thoughts, feelings, and every day life. But what the hell! If you think it's great, then I think you're great. Got it?

Pages

Aug 15, 2013

"I've just seen a face
I can't forget the time or place
Where we just meet
She's just the girl for me
And want all the world to see
We've met, mmm-mmm-mmm-m'mmm-mmm

Had it been another day
I might have looked the other way
And I'd have never been aware
But as it is I'll dream of her
Tonight, di-di-di-di'n'di

Falling, yes I am falling
And she keeps calling
Me back again" - The Beattles

Yes, I am obsessed with this song. I will not lie. Now I REALLY need to see the movie, right? It makes me want to get up and dance. Too bad it's only a minute long, basically. :\

That's not what I wanted to write about, actually. I just thought that I would interject with that.

My real reason for writing to you tonight is just so:

So what do ya think? It's winning material, right? That, my friends, is the product of two brilliant cousins at work on a contest piece in the South Jordan Chalk Festival last weekend. That, my friends, won first place in the adult category. $100 bucks to Target baby!!

Also, can I just say? Chalk the Block 2013 is going to be bitchin! I've got a fantastic idea that I won't leak on here just yet. It will blow your mindz guyz!

Another thing:

Oh my girl whose name is Hannah! School is in less than a week. You know why this is huge!

I WILL BE GRADUATING THIS YEAR!

I know, I know, hold your applause. Heh heh. I'm too exited for my own good. I've got my wardrobe all set, my car almost registered...man, life is finally feeling okay right now, and I think I've healed enough in the emotional sense to finally tell you guys what really happened between ex boyfriend and I. (Though I'm not completely healed, considering I still want to tell you guys about this, whereas I would normally not really care to tell you guys. That made no sense.)

Payden and I hung out with the friends at the beginning of January; totally chill and friendly, we were all, "Yeah man, that's cool stuff. We can like, totally be friends. Yeah. That's cool."

And then two days later, he texts me saying he "misses me". And then we were a couple. (I've now decided that he just missed the company of a girl, but spiced it up to make me more compliant to his needs.)

Our relationship became a huge thing amongst the friends, totally unexpected, the unlikeliest of people! As he liked to phrase it, "shit just happened."

So then on, I was a happyish girl with a "cool" dude, who I tried to downplay the tool-ish-ness in.

He took me to my first concert, we growled at each other, he sometimes let me relinquish that sudden feeling to bite his shoulder, my first fourwheeling experience was with his family, and we had other very new and first-timing experiences that I probably will never forget.

End of the school year comes along, and he's getting ready to rejoice in the beauty that is graduating. I honestly thought it was just stress, but everyone except him was relaxing and kicking up their legs since all the big assignments were done and out of the way. He began to pull away once May hit.

I should have seen it coming then, but I was too ignorant and hopeful.

Here's the thing guys, after the first two weeks of our relationship, I was sort of-kind of happy. Not completely, like how I am with my best friends. He was a hard person to talk about feelings with, and I often felt like I had to be someone else to impress him. He definitely toughened me up too. If I were to say, eh, I don't know, OUCH!, his response would be just so: "Hah, please, that didn't hurt. I'll give you something to say ow about." Everyone dismissed it as just him, since he was such a 'badass' all the time anyway. *COUGH* tool *COUGH*. So I just let it be the way it was.

I will not lie. He is a fantastic kisser! And he has such a good body. You know, not the super duper I-can't-stand-you-for-the-love-of-god-eat-a-goddamn-hamburger-or-you'll-die kind of skinny, but not a fat-ass who never takes care of himself either. He was a happy median, and perfect for my happy median body as well. It just fit. I miss the physical things, not so much his personality.

Anyway, he was pulling away. I know at one point in those five months that he said I did things that reminded him of Cassee (His ex, pregnant girlfriend who caused a lot of shit in his life to go down and emotionally ruin him for a time being...) and that it's not me it's him.

He also was sick for a week and continued to be 'sick' for another week, thus forcefully putting distance between us then.

And then the following nights occurred within the last few weeks.

Aaron and I went to go see the midnight showing of Star Trek! Dun dun dun DUN! (Aaron and I, by the way, have become much closer thanks to Payden and mine's relationship.) We invited Payden, but he was too stuck up to go see a simple sci-fi film. "That looks like a stupid show. I don't watch that shit." [Mind you. His language is very vulgar and unnecessary.] So we went alone. Before we left however, Payden was off work, and I was driving home from work, and I asked him if I could come hang out with him before I left with Aaron to go to the movie. (I was going to anyway, whether he liked it or not.) He replied:

I have a lot of stuff to do

(No period, because he never uses grammar in his texting. I guess I'm just a super freak like that.) So I said, "Okay..." and called Aaron, who then allowed me to come over to HIS house. Well, when I came over, Payden was sitting on the couch with his headphones in and listening to music. He wasn't doing anything. That whole time. So I sat across the room and told Aaron about my adventures in work while Aaron played video games. (Because, you know, dudes. That's just what they do these days.)

Payden didn't even bother to say hi to me that night.

The same behavior happened again when all the friends were hanging out one Saturday night. This was May 18th, (and yes, I had to look at the computer calendar to get that date because I don't store crap like that in my memory for good reasons) the last Saturday we spent in our technical relationship. Let's be simple: he was odd, ignored me, and made me angry.

So naturally, I confronted him, because I felt that since we were this far into the relationship, I could do stuff like that without worrying about things getting wildly out of control, you know? He just claimed he was, "Listening to music", and proceeded to make the gathering of friends in the basement completely awkward and painful for me.

So I went home, crying, because I'm a girl and that's what emotionally distraught teenage girls do. They cry.

I didn't actually go home. I went to Discovery Park around 11 because I knew my parents were home and expecting me at midnight, and I didn't want them to see me crying. So I cried in my car in a park in the dark for a good long bit.

Then I snuck into my bedroom and cried there too.

My best friend in the whole wide world was so worried about me that night, but I was too embarrassed to cry and make him awkward, so I told him I'd talk to him in the morning.

He came over that Sunday morning to help me feel better and to keep me company. We analyzed everything that happened Saturday in minute detail, because best friends do that with each other without question.

Then Kaeli, the girl who I'm no longer friends with, called me saying that Payden wanted to talk to me, but at a park in Highland. (I'm sitting in my living room in Pleasant freaking Grove.)

Okay, hold on.

1. Why the hell would he not call me and tell me that himself? I AM his girlfriend, anyway.
2. Why Kaeli? Of all people, to call?
3. Why the hell is Kaeli WITH him if this is supposed to be a private matter?
and
4. Why a park?

Because I was already on the edge of an emotional breakdown, I asked Junior to come with me, even if that meant waiting in the car with me. He came with me, and as we were driving to the park, he was texting Kaeli.

In the long drive we took to get there, we found out that a.) it wasn't anything bad, it's actually really good [According to Kaeli and also since I was dreading a breakup], b.) it's good that Junior is coming along with me, and c.) most, if not all, the friends are there!

What.

WHAT.

Now I was really anxious, and starting to get a lot angry. Not a little. The anger just kind of spiked.

When we arrived, all the friends were gathered on the playset, and by then, I was shaking because I didn't know what was going to happen. I was angry with the idea that he was going to make a public apology in front of all my friends.

I was wearing a strapless shirt, so his first response when he saw me was, "You look Mexican."

Wrong move, buddy.

Now that he was on my shit list for that comment, everything else just broke the record for 'shittiest day in the book'.

Everyone was in a circle, looking at Payden and Aaron. Aaron came out as gay, happily, and we were all excited for him. Then Payden came out as bisexual, and everyone except Junior and I were happy and excited for him.

"Let's give Mindy a hug!" Kaeli exclaims, as if that was going to make everything just flipping okay.

Let's stop to consider for just a moment:

1. He just ended our relationship.
2. That same scenario already happened to me when I tried dating Junior, and he knew it.
and
3. You are supposed to tell your GIRLFRIEND who has had intimate experiences with you shit like that in PRIVATE.

Okay, continue.

"I'm sorry, Mindy," and he came at me with his arms outstretched, as if touching me was the greatest of ideas at the moment. That everything he had just thrown at me was totally okay and fine now. That everyone was happy and that a hug would solve world hunger.

I grudgingly hugged him back. I could tell the Kent and Aaron noticed my conflicted emotions across my face, but they were too smart to say anything. Brody was silent. Kaeli was beaming. Junior was solemn faced, knowing exactly what I knew: What a dumbass.

So after that was over, he continued to tell us that he was abused as a child, and that there were only really men in his life that made him happy, and that Cassee and his mother effed him up. Oh, but Mindy, you were one of the only girls who supported me and understood, so I guess you're okay. But yeah guys, I'm bi because I guess I really like guys too." He told us all about his mad desire to rape and murder, and that he has all of our deaths planned out. Then he told us about Warped Tour (Which I told him about originally) and how we should all go together, and then after that, go CAMPING! (Cue big bursting balls of sunshine surrounding a cheesy smiley face that will explode if he smiles a little bit more.)

Um, excuse me...

But didn't you just tell us that you were planning our deaths, only moments ago? And now you want us to go camping with you?

After that, I lied and said I left my brothers home alone, which everyone knew was a big fat lie because they all knew that my brothers could take care of themselves. Junior knew his cue, and we both got up. Payden got up to give me another hug, as if saying, "This is all just stupid and everything will be just normal, right?" I didn't even look at him. I just walked away.

I swear to god that out of the corner of my eye I saw Kent giving Payden a pat on the back, as if Payden realized suddenly that he just fucked everything up, and I almost felt bad. But then I didn't.

I wasn't even to my car before I was in tears. I drove dangerously home in tears. I bawled to my parents about everything in tears. My dad claimed that he knew there was something gay about Payden all along, which made me feel worse and burst into more tears.

Junior stayed with me the entire time.

Can I just point out?

When I dated Tyler, and he decided that he was really gay, he and I talked alone in my bedroom about it. He told me how he felt, and we privately discussed that everything was okay, all was forgiven, and that we would still be amazing friends. Then he told the friends a few days after telling me, to let things sink in.

He was completely respectful, a total gentleman, and the best friend I could ever have. So that is why our friendship hasn't been ruined. Of course, I was a tiny bit upset at the beginning, and only naturally.

Payden lost all respect from my parents, from my best friend, from me, and from my brothers. He lost a truly great girl, a really good girlfriend.

When Junior went home that night, I cried to myself for a long while, didn't get much sleep, and woke up with tears still wet on my cheeks that Monday morning. I went to school in tears, parked in a completely different spot from the normal spot that everyone parks in, ignored Kent when he tried to tap on my window that morning, wandered about the hallways in loneliness before class began, and dreaded lunch time.

When lunch did come, Julia and Brayden were by my side. I took Payden aside, privately, like how it should have been done all along because I am the bigger person, and told him that it was over.

His response: "I never really wanted to date anyway. I'm sure we can still be great friends."

Oh my god was he completely wrong. That douchebag. That tool. A whole summer later, I'm still angry at him. I have made a great point to not talk to him, even if we were alone in the same room for whatever reason.

And now he's going to Louisiana for school, according to Junior who got that information from Kaeli recently, and I'm rejoicing like the gays at gay pride do when they find their soulmate. He's also getting kicked out of Aaron's home since he abused their hospitality and is a complete dim-wad. He tried to date another girl (I know, I know, total slap to the face in the same burning spot, since according to him, he wanted to experiment with guys...ugh!), according to Aaron, afterwards, and I heard they ended up breaking up anyway and now he's alone again. Sweet, sweet justice.

OH! How Karma is served. Oh I'm so giddy and happy just thinking about it. I glow in his misery.

And no, that is NOT too harsh, considering what he did to me.

Listen, Ladies. Payden Judd is a dick. Leah was smart to get out of there when she did. He's not really bisexual. He just thought of one day having a guy suck on him rather than a girl, because apparently in his mind, it would somehow be different because men have different tongue structures than women. (Please do not think that that is the case. Everyone has the same type of tongue. God.)

Thanks for reading, my friends. I know, I'm a hilarious person. :D Just kidding, I'm not that cocky. I honestly just had to get it out of my system.

Aug 1, 2013

Finally, the end of the summer is drawing nearer. I have 20 days until Senior year truly begins, and all the hard work falls back into place once again. This year, for the first time, I am buying a yearbook. That way I can have memory of AF high and all the peers that will be affecting my life the very moment before I leave most of them for the big life in college.

One thing I realized is that the relationships you create with people in high school aren't going to matter when you get into college. Yes, there will be many of my peers attending UVU, but honestly? We'll all be trapped in our rooms writing essays and studying for tests. Or at least, that's how I'm prepared to see my life as. You'd be wise to expect the same.

I know the school will soon send that little letter in the mail explaining when the book depository opens and what time you ought to run and pick up your books. I'm hoping I won't have too many books.

Junior said he won't have a fourth period on B-days like me! We can party it up! And hopefully he'll have a job by then. In which case, he's really excited that he'll be able to buy me lunch rather than the other way round. (Since I've bought him sooo many things...)

I need a camera.

I just realized this. How else am I supposed to document high school with ease if I don't have a camera? Maybe my parents will let me take their camera every once in a while...perhaps I should look into those disposable cameras.

I've been drawing truly amazing things. (Amazing for me. I'm no professional artist, but HEY! Life-like pictures of the avengers? Pa-lease.) So naturally, I CANNOT wait for my art classes this coming year. I cannot. :D

And hooray! I'm taking physiology again. I took it in tenth grade, remember? I was a rockstar in that class. Well, I'm going to be a rockstar again!!! That's just another A to boost my GPA.

Guys, my goal this year is to get a 4.0 in all my classes. I don't have that many classes, and they aren't so difficult and so many that I would be overwhelmed. My only classes that would be difficult would be Latin, AP Biology, and possibly Ancient World History. That's it. I can focus on those! It's not like I have Math, Science, English, History, and Financial classes to contend with anymore. I'm a happy girl!

I decided that I really like being single. I love it. And I don't feel a need to explain these perfectly simple feelings to anyone.

Meet Me

You should Know...

I have a lot of inspirations and motivations, and I've listed them before. The problem is that they change a lot. One minute I want to be a doctor, the other I want to skip school entirely and travel the world. I'm unpredictable, I'm restless, I'm a Sagittarius. What can you do?

There's no way around the excruciating pain of living an ordinary life. Most days I just breathe and do what I am expected to do. There&...

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.- Oscar Wilde

Total Pageviews

There was an error in this gadget

We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect.-Anais Nin

Follow by Email

"If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all."- Oscar Wilde

"He who stands for nothing will fall for anything."- Alexander Hamilton

"Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny."- Jack Handey