Saturday, 9 July 2011

On Behalf of Glamour Models

OK, while I'm not technically a member of 'BAWPS' (British Alliance of Women Prettier than they are Sensible), as someone with large breasts and a kind of messed-up face, I celebrated yesterday as 52 of those like me were given the hope that they, too, could supply The Sun with their insightful take on the events of the week flanked by a photograph of them cupping their tits on Page 3. I mean, it's no 'Thumbs in Panties' but not all of us can be a 'Young Hollywood' Starleterina glazed with Salad Dressing on the cover of Maxim. Now, in case you've been living in a world in which not every journalist cites Twitter as the final, engendering word on public opinion, according to Guardian Columnists and hipsters who want to be Guardian Columnists, the Sun on Sunday will arise as a Red-Topped Pheonix from the ashes of the News of the World.
Yes, "thesunonsunday.com" is a registered domain name as is its British cousin, "thesunonsunday.co.uk" but so is "penisland.net". Thems is murky waters. Someone hedged their bets. MAYBE, those who created www.sunonsunday.com, (A group of Italian music makers who describe themselves thusly, "Sun On Sunday's music is a kind of Rock deeply distorted and corrupted by Blues and Country, with great influences from Funk too, a sound that anyway remains always original.") are choosing to expand their online presence at a shrewdly opportune time. I'm not sure if that prospect or that of the publication of The Sun on Sunday is more ghastly.
But the Sunday Sun, The Sun on Sunday, The Sun on Sundries, whatever it's called will be exactly that. The SUN on Sunday: breasts and sensationalist non-fact about celebrities, sport and rising prices ...except that last one which will be sensationalist opinion and comment on toiletries and restaurant side dishes.
The News of the World was closed OSTENSIBLY because it could never again be branded as anything other than what the News of the World was. The Sun already IS something other than what the News of the World is. It's a sorry state of affairs when The Sun is the lesser of two evils but, as yet, titties and wankery are legal while stories ABOUT titties and wankery acquired through the use of phone hacking are less so. Now all of these "Top Class, innocent journos" for whom there has been much public weeping and gnashing of teeth will collect their new jobs in another News International Office hopefully far, far away from Wapping. They're martyrs who will get to live on and report bravely on the vein on Cat Deely's forehead or how Health and Safety regulations make it ILLEGAL to bring your kitten to work because SOME PEOPLE WHO MAY BE IMMGRANTS ARE ALLERGIC TO CATS.
Call me Jim Corr but I have a theory. I think this is Murdoch's way of symbolically razing his physical empire to the ground so as to move into the digital age and cyberspace, a place where he will be able to set the pace of, create the rules on and have his ideas inform News-Regulation as we will soon know it. Also, it will make things easier when he emerges from lying peacefully in his cryogenic holding cubicle, clutching Walt Disney's head in one hand and the Womb of long-term friend Mary Magdalene in his other, ready for the coming Apocolypse during which he shall call upon his Cyber Militia to hypnotise us all and force us to do his bidding. This MAY not be the official End of Days Dogma of any Abrahamic Faith or religion anywhere but I'm a Catholic. I have a sixth sense about these things.
There has been some confusion about the exact identy of Rebecca Brooks as many people are more familiar with her maiden name, the Whore of Babylon or, as some have dubbed her, Satan dressed as Charlie Dimmock. At first I presumed that her successful avoidance of a public act of contrition and she had pictures of one of the Murdochs dressed as his drag alter-ego, 'Thalia' but then realised that this woman has come to represent News International as a concept and an idea. If she were still in the 'lowly' position of editor, she would be gone. A Rebekah Brooks resignation would symbolise a crumbling far more damaging than the sacrifice of a publication. I feel confused when I think that some members of the public were perplexed as to why RUPERT MURDOCH made the correct business decision in favour of the correct human decision. Not since Harold from Neighbours renewed his Vows to Madge had a balding Australian faced SUCH a no-brainer.
The most unsettling danger posed by this debacle is that it will somehow precipitate a state in which journalistic integrity and press regulation will forever be relegated to the framework of stagnant Left-Right issuedom. It's as much a moral and ethical issue as it is a political one. I personally believe that Religious people should be more worried about a society in which a powerful, obviously corrupt elite practically dictates to the public how we must view every branch of our government than they should be about living in a society in which gay people can adopt children...and on a Sunday!

Bare Breasts and Wankery on Sunday is Dead! Long live Bare Breasts and Wankery on a Sunday!

P.S. Now that 'South Sudan' is officially taken, I need a new nickname for my penis. I originally chose 'South Sudan' because of its location on the body and its tragic history.