Monday, January 31, 2011

I started to cry this morning as I was logging on to my sparkpeople.com account to start up my food log again.

My password alludes to me having some sort of level of fitness, which I do...and did... but I felt like a phony using that as my password today.

I have an issue with emotional eating and I'm using food to fill that big lonely sad hole right now. This isn't the "oh hey, allow yourself some indulgence while you get over your breakup" kind of thing. The amount of food and lack of control are really starting to scare me. We're talking eatuntilyouarealmostsickstandatthekitchencountereatingsomethingdoesn'teventastesogood kind of thing.

When I read on the always factual internet something about binge eating, "disorder" and "shrouded in secrecy" I figured if I shared I didn't really have "THAT" problem. Right?

Hmmmm.. it also said something about having troubles expressing anger as a cause. Like I have any reason to be angry right now? *pft*

It scares me to be this out of control. I've worked very hard on my fitness over the last several years and I don't know why I would do this to myself. Being somewhat of a control freak, it surprises me that I let something like this be out of control. I'm embarassed. I need to fix this.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Catch up on her blog, she's been holding down the fort as an Army wife, mother,breast cancer survivor, and now advocate helping others as they fight like a girl to kick cancer in the bootay!

This is a cause very near and dear to my heart. I lost my mom to breast cancer in October of 2007 and I know that the kinds of support and services that Cindy's Hope Chest provides are needed and appreciated beyond belief.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

I was able to see a little bit of a new area of Italy and I although I will never see them again, I got to meet some really cool people.

I was able to get dressed up and experience my first and probably last military formal.

The time was spent mostly close to home and doing every day stuffs, but I was still able to see part of the country that was new to me. I put on my cold weather running gear and explored on my own as far as my legs wanted to take me and we did have a weekend of touristy stuff. I'm not in the mood to share pictures, this one still feels a little too angrybitterish.

And here is something that was unexpected. I saw a blogger while I was there. It's someone I use to read, but her blog kind of stopped and low and behold. Of course I didn't say anything. She isn't someone I ever really exchanged comments with but it was surprising.

Costa Rica

It was beautiful. The weather was beautiful. Love love love this place.

I sat out here...

Playa Conchal

And golfed here....

who knew my golfing partner wanted to be Tiger Woods...in every way.

And drank with the cupacabra....

yes, that whatchamacallit took my pina colada!

Unfortunately the whole travel adventure will be tainted, but I can't let that take away the few good memories right?

Fu*cker. I don't really feel like it's ever inappropriate for me to get that out when the desire strikes.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

It was one month ago yesterday that I found out my man was a fake, fraud, phony, narcissist. Yes, I said it. He was more that just a selfish asshole. Pray that you never encounter one outside of reading a case study.

It was one month ago today that I walked away from him at the airport knowing it would be the last time I would see him. The last time I would tell him goodbye.

Today is the day to start something new.

No more giving myself permission to make choices that aren't healthy for me "because you deserve to take a break". No more justifying sitting on the couch eating pizza. Done. No more justifying self medicating so I don't have to feel. Done. No more unhealthy self destructive behavior. Done.

It's all about getting back into my good routines that make me happy rather than down on myself when I already have reason enough to feel a bit down as it is.

Things around this joint will only get out of control if I let them. Uh, and my inner control freak sure as heck isn't going to let that happen. If there is one thing in this world I can control it's ME!

Monday, January 24, 2011

I know, "no duh brain child ....that's what happens when you find out the guy you loved has two or three separate lives."

It took a couple of weeks for my noggin to catch up with the reality that I am single. period. This isn't the in-between time when we were working on putting things back together and neither my head nor my heart were unattached and truly single.

The reality sinking in wasn't a bad moment. It just was. I was in the car driving to meet Best Guy Friend for dinner and thinking about getting there early and slurping down one of my fav cocktails (French 75, drink it, love it, you won't regret it) and as I was visualising this tasty event I saw myself sitting in the bar. A nice bar. With nice people. Some of them men. SS.... "YOU ARE SINGLE".

It's been about 3.5 years since I've been in this rodeo. It wasn't a matter of wanting to flirt and talk to someone (would not be a good idea for him or me quite yet), but there was definitely that shift in my head. Good or bad, it's my new state of being.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Nothing super special other than feeling normal! Funny how good normal feels when you haven't been feeling like yourself.

Looking forward to an evening out at my favorite restaurant with my best guy friend. I'll be the one there early sitting in the bar with a loverly French 75 in my hand. *aaaaaahhhh* The simple pleasures. Come join me...the more the merrier. Cheers!

(Oooooh, maybe I'll get some good people watching pics and actually write an entertaining blog post?)

Monday, January 17, 2011

Quick aside: Funny thing, when I started this blog I was in a very similar place that I am now. A breakup, I was venting, and looking at starting on some new adventures in life. Fast forward and here I am again... breakup of a relationship (the same effin one!) and venting. So lets get back to the "New Adventures".

New Adventure: Snowboarding!

How I would like to portray the entire day:

Reality:

And before you go there... yes, this was a hill!

Humbling 36" high dare devils race past you, yes. Hilarious laughing at yourself, yes. Enjoy a good beer and BBQ in front of the fire in the lodge, hells yes! It really was a blast. I use to ski. I kind of like the more controlled spills with both legs attached to the same board better. One lesson down, two more to go!

I'm going to leave out the pictures of us standing in line with the 5 year olds waiting for the "magic carpet" to transport us up the bunny slope.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

So that's not really even a true question because it didn't just happen, I just found out about it.

Angry Woman has moved on to leave Miss Dazed n' Confused

Did someone really just spend years working on a relationship with me and winning my heart while doing the same thing to others? Did someone who clearly didn't want to be in a committed relationship really just convince me that we had a future together as partners and a family? Did this same person really just have me come 1/2 way around the world to meet and mingle with coworkers under the impression that I was his "love" and would be back in the not to distant future to see them all again? Did I really just sit with his family for Christmas (again) with them all under the same impression of our relationship as I was? Did I really just spend the last year of my life praying every day for his safety while everyday he was trying to figure out how to keep up with all his women?

The things I shared with him. Who was this person?

I do not understand this.

I know it's all a process. I know it will get better over time. I know I will be OK and in the grand scheme of things there is some lesson for me to learn and some sort of positive growth will be the end result. I personally could think of other ways that I could have been given the opportunity to grow and learn, but who am I to decide what it is that I really need?

I wish I was 19 and didn't give a f**k. I'd send you all out "BEWARE OF" fliers to plaster around the world.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

When I'm alone in the car, there is no more fantastic performer. I sing, I dance, I do it all and do it all very loud and very well.

So the next time you see a late 30s white women all decked out in her North Face gear bobbin her head, getting her groove on and chuckin' duces like she's really doin somethin.... Smile. Wave. It might just be me.

A collection of my most recent performances for your listening pleasure.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

And by diary I mean one angry post and then I'm not letting the anger eat away at me.

Love, talking about our future together, a trip overseas, a Christmas ball, a tropical vacation, Christmas with his family and it all went to hell with less than 24 hours to go.

I got played..... several times over. And by played I sure do mean multiple women in multiple locations all being told similar things about love and futures together. It's embarrassing to even say out loud but I'm not the one that did anything wrong.

I'm giving him a title; Emotional Con Man. I was conned, but it wasn't for my money or anything material. It was for my love, devotion and support.

FUCKER FUCKER FUCKER FUCKER!

Turns out the man I was in love with didn't even exist. The facade he created and the image of who he was and what he stands for and believes in is a total front. Everything he talks about as important traits and positive characteristics are the exact opposite of what he actually is. I can't even imagine how conflicted and miserable someone must be living life knowing that they are not at all what they portray to the world and consider admirable. I have no idea what to actually call someone that does this to others. I'm sure there is a psychological term, anything I can really come up with consists of several very unladylike words strung together and shouted at the top of my lungs.

I wrote this blog post in my head, sitting at a slot machine with a beer. I thought this was an appropriate image for someone who just had half the carpet pulled out from under them while getting punched in the gut at the same time. All that was missing is a cigarette.

I can be loyal to a fault. To the point where I sometimes don't see things I should because I believe that people I love are as loyal to me as I am to them. Maybe I needed the hard line version of the truth so that there wasn't any question and I didn't stick around any longer. Thank goodness I didn't get sucked in any further.

Hard hit to take. I'm angry that he did this to me. I'm angry that he does this this to women. I'm angry that while three of us sit with this feeling of betrayal (of course I told them), he gets to just go along and keep up with any others out there or start working on a batch of new victims. I'm angry that there are so many people in his life that are fooled into believing this facade is the real person. I don't think I've ever met a bigger hypocrite in my life.

So, dude, you got me. Does it feel good? Does it boost your little ego? But now I know who you really are and you are the one that has to live with that miserable person not me. I'll get over it, you wont, you are stuck with you. Duces!