Daily Archives: December 16, 2018

AS HURLEY THE HISTORIAN explained: On today’s date in 1773, a group of Massachusetts colonists disguised as Mohawk Indians boarded three British tea ships moored in Boston Harbor and dumped 342 chests of tea into the water. Now known as the “Boston Tea Party,” the midnight raid was a protest of the Tea Act of 1773, a bill enacted by the British Parliament to save the faltering British East India Company by greatly lowering its tea tax and granting it a virtual monopoly on the American tea trade. Curiously, none of our local so-called TEA Party organizations appears to be talking up any sort of big TEA Party Day celebration today. Maybe Ohio TEA Party Guy Tom Zawistowski forgot to remind them it was supposed to be today. No wonder so far Donald Trump hasn’t asked any TEA Partiers to be in his Cabinet.

SPEAKING OF PARTIES, For those of you planning to join Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane and “TaxKiller Tom” Brinkman at “Mean Jean” Schmidt’s Christmas Party at Jack Casino, where the disgraced former U.S. Congresswoman plans to announce her return to politics because the TEA Partiers won’t be standing in her way, let’s all sing the eighth verse of “Mean Jean” Schmidt’s Twelve Days of Christmas,” sent in by that Dishonest DemocRAT Former Speaker of the House Nutty Nancy Pelosi, who remembers in 2008, “Thanks to ‘Mean Jean’ (whose winning percentage was the smallest in the nation), Hamilton County turned “Blue,” DemocRATS won the entire state of Ohio, and Obama became president of our multicultural United States. It goes something like this:

On the Eighth Day of Christmas, “Mean Jean” gave to me, Eight Dems a Booing, Seven Wits a Wagging, Six Crooked Cronies, Five Libelous Liars, Four Screeching Tires, Three Borgman Cartoons, Two Red Dresses, And One Old Crapper, from Rob Portman’s Legacy.

It’s really beginning to feel a lot like Christmas, isn’t it, Portman

MEANWHILE IN COLUMBUS: Buckeye Bureau Chief Gerry Manders says over at Ohio RINO Party Headquarters, folks are trying to raise money by selling some really crappy stuff at the Ohio GOP Store, but that group’s coffers should be overflowing, especially since EFT News reported Ohio’s Delusional Governor John Kasich was one of six Republicans who took Secret Payments from Hillary to destroy Trump (according to Wiki Leaks) during the 2016 Campaign.(MORE)

FROM THE WHISTLEBLOWER ARCHIVES: Edition #30 of the Original Whistleblower, published 28 years ago on December 18, 1990 (back in the really low tech days when The Blower used to be printed and delivered all over town), that week’s “Really Big Story” featured then-Hamilton County Clerk of Courts “Jaywalking Joe Deters answering 8-year-old Virginia O’Hanlon’s question.

‘TIS THE SEASON:The Adams County Travel and Visitors Bureau located in East Jesus says if you’re still having trouble finding those Amazing Amish Christmas Tree Lights, call them for directions at 1-937-544-5639.

What better way to get our dwindling number of Obsessive Obama Supporters like Tom and Rose to demonstrate their unwavering devotion than to get them to purchase one more Obama Christmas item this year, like this rhodium metal ornament made in China for only $40 with proceeds still benefiting Obama’s 2016 Third-Term Re-election Campaign. Obama Supporters in the Press continue to promise “687 More Days of Fake News” during Trump’s first term, with proceeds benefiting Obama’s Legal Defense Fund. Trump supporters can buy Trump Christmas ornaments, too. Many of them have the Trumpster’s picture on them. What a surprise.

THE WHISTLEBLOWER REPERTORY GROUP has a new member in its latest video showing the Whistleblower Elves in Congress when Santa isn’t watching. Can you guess his identity?

Here’s a Clue

IN NORTHERN KENTUCKY: Dave the Druid is really excited about Friday’s Winter Solstice and the World Fake Orgasm for Peace Day, and nowhere on the planet will that event be celebrated with such enthusiasm as it will be in the Tri-state. There’ll be a giant group orgasm at the Phallic Peace Pole in Anderson, the Piece Bell in Newport will be ringing continuously because every time you head a bell ring it means some lucky lady is having an orgasm, the sign on the Y’All Ville water tower even says, “Y’All Come,” and Miss Vicki says all those uptight bitches from Fort Mitchell are still planning to celebrate “Fake Orgasms for Peace Day.”

That’s why our good friend Michael “Liquid” Plummer organized our Fort Mitchell focus group this week to try to determine how guys could figure out when their womenfolk were faking it, and this morning as a huge pubic service, The Whistleblower is pleased to bring you the “Top Ten Ways You’ll Know She’s Faking an Orgasm”: 10. She won’t stop yawning. 9. She keeps yelling, “Hurry up, Steve! Aren’t you finished yet?” 8. She keeps moaning somebody else’s name. 7. She keeps asking, “What are you doing back there?” 6. She won’t answer when you ask if it’s the best sex she’s ever had. 5. She asks if she can count on your vote. 4. She falls asleep before you do. 3. She says she forgot to take her Orgasmo. 2. She asks if you forgot to take your Viagra. …and the Number One Way You’ll Know She’s Faking an Orgasm is… She says, “Next time start without me!”

Maybe that’s why Horny in Hebron says, “Everyone should live to be 92 years old, have an orgasm and drop dead.”

And now we have your Annual Winter Solstice Joke: So, a man goes to the doctor on Winter Solstice Day to get some tests done. After a little while, the doctor comes back and says, “I’ve got bad news and good news. The bad news is that you have six months to live.”“What’s the good news?” says the man.“Well, the days are getting longer,” said the doctor.

Back at The Blower, holiday cards displayed include the personally signed one from Donald and Melania, The Blower’s own holiday card that says “Forget the Christmas Season, the whole thing’s really crappy, just give us a scandal, to make us all happy.” The verse was written by Bunky Tadwell, the Bard of Cleves, from his bestselling book: “Let’s Celebrate the Solstice.” The third card is from Boondoggle County Judge Defective Once Moore that says, “The economy’s down, Times are hard, Here’s your Fuckin’ Christmas Card.” The envelope says it was not mailed at over-taxed payers’ expense. If you believe that, we have a bridge we’d like to sell you.

THIS YEAR, THE COST OF TWO TURTLE DOVES is back up to $375 last year since demand is much larger than supply for those popular lovebirds! That gift experienced the biggest spike in price this year, compared to the rest of the gifts. (BTW, cost for Turtle Doves for days 2-12 would be a paltry $4,125. You can check out a fun infographic here.