Friday, August 16, 2013

Adopter Entitlement: The Bold New World is HERE

The late, great Annette Baran often used the phrase
"child-centered adoption." It seems that the concept (or was it
always just a pie-in-the sky dream, an ideal, a goal?) died with her.

We all know that the Brave New World of
creating human beings is here, but along with it we also have a BOLD and BRAZEN
new era of adopters entitlement!

Of course, adoption has operated at the behest of
the adoptive parent(s) - the only paid client in the alleged "triad."
But the arrogance, self-centeredness and self-indulgence of these people
has gone off the charts lately. There is no shame. Just me, me, me. The
Internet is littered with "my adoption journey" blogs depicting every
step of infertility struggles and the trials and tribulations of
"excruciating and embarrassing scrutiny" adopters must
"endure"...the exorbitant amounts of money they spend, often on
failed adoptions...and on and on and on.... with them at the center of the
drama seeking public sympathy for every indignation they "have to"
suffer to simply become parents, all the while of course, ignoring the fact that they could more easily, quickly and far less expensively adopt from foster care.

And, if all that's not bad enough, we are subjected
to those seeking our sympathy when they give up on a child! We are
supposed to understand and support them in their "difficult" decision
to bail on their commitment of "forever" and dump the child entrusted to them.
We are supposed to be supportive of their right to SUE adoption agencies for
making false promises to THEM while they break their promise to an innocent, at-risk child!

The Unrelenting Battle to Adopt Veronica Brown.

This case violates all sanity. I cannot imagine arriving from another planet and hearing of these non-related strangers fighting for their "right" to a child who quite obviously has a loving, caring family! Isn't adoption - this alien might ask - supposed to be to help orphans and children who are unwanted, abused or neglected?

And so...in the center ring of today's adoption circus,
ladies and gentlemen, kids of all ages...I give you Matthew and Melanie
Capobianco, who held onto Veronica for nearly two years after knowing that her
father wanted her and was doing everything in his power to stop them from
adopting her. Now, they have the audacity to call the recent actions of Veronica's
father, Dusten Brown, "kidnapping." ! ! !

After two years without allowing Veronica's father
to visit, they now have the nerve to thumb their nose at Dusten's offer of
visitation with this retort:

"Now that we were at the point
where they knew the adoption would go through, they offered this as if they've
been thoughtful and considerate to us all along."

First, this sounds like kids in a schoolyard saying
you hit me first. Secondly: Where is King Solomon when you need him? Does
this statement not scream that they seem to believe this case is - or should be
- all about THEIR best interest? Who are they thinking of here - Veronica
or themselves? Why do they presume that they deserve thoughtfulness or
consideration in this matter at all?

"Adoption has this unique dimension of
connection — not only to your own family, but beyond, widening the scope of
what constitutes love, family ties, and community. It is a larger embrace. By
adopting, we stretch past our immediate circles and, by reaching out, find an
unexpected sense of belonging with others."

This woman's words could not be more ironic if she
tried.

Does she even hear herself?! What about the
"connections beyond" of the child??? What abut HER widening
scope, love, family and community; her "larger embrace" her
"belonging to others." ?

All meaningless. Only those of the adopter count.

The TRIBE that is this child's extended family
fighting for her; her connections, her family, her roots, and her heritage....
are all exactly what these people are proudly bragging about fighting to TAKE HER from.
Do they really have no inkling of that? Are they THAT blinded by their LUST for
a child; their own neediness and desires?

Alicia ends by saying how blessed she and hubby
were to have been "victorious" in their battle over the tribe.
Yes, it's all about WINNING the PRIZE! It's all about THEM!

This is the tone of adoption today!

There is no shame in fighting loving mothers,
caring fathers, bereft extended family...whatever it takes to get what you paid
for and feel you somehow DESERVE. And the public awards them with support and
accolades for their "altruism." And our US government rewards them
with tax credits!

This new bold breed of child snatchers not only
wants to be patted on the back for paying for and fighting to take what they
covet, but they also want our sympathy and pity!

We had been through the infertility roller-coaster and were still trying
to recover from that when we got the call that we were going to be parents... As
a social worker I struggled with feelings I was not prepared for. Both my
husband and I realized we needed to open our hearts and heal after our adoption....
As an adoptive parent, it took time for me to feel connected completely to this
little baby and feel like he was really my son.... It took patience with myself
to realize I also was grieving the loss of carrying my son in my own womb. I
needed to allow myself to grieve and find peace...

She realized "she" was grieving...but as
an adopter and social worker she never gives one thought to the loss and
grieving her baby is experiencing. No, again, it is all about HER feelings and
how we, the public, should feel sorry for the loss she suffered and even
adoption did not instantly heal.

This next example is second hand. It comes from Adoptionmania where it is copied from an
online conversation elsewhere on the web. It goes like this:

Courtney: @gsmwc02 @anditweetsalot
@shanellelittle @mrsrenkert actually; there are mental health criteria one must
pass to b an adoptive parent

Greg @WeMonetize: And what in your mind would
deem them “mentally competent” to parent? And how does an evaluation ensure
that?

Courtney : Do you just think agencies should
place kids to whoever knocks on their door and asks for one?

Greg: No, don’t think I ever said that. But you
also don’t want to discourage good candidates.

Courtney: If they’re good candidates they won’t
have an issue being evaluated

Greg: Again you have children and are clueless on the
mentality of an infertile considering adoption.

Courtney: to be perfectly frank; I’m less
concerned with adults fellings than I am with children’s welfare.

Greg: Less? I don’t think you do at all. You live
in that bubble where no one else’s POV matters.

Courtney: read it again. I am LESS concerned
about adults feelings than a child’s welfare.

Greg: Don’t have to read it again. You’ve made it
clear you don’t care about pain or grief of infertility. We just need to suck
it up.

Courtney: what do you think the adoption industry
needs to do to accommodate infertility grief?

Greg: Recognize and support that grief. Don’t
outcast the childless and look down on them as you. It’s an extreme hurt.

Courtney: I’m not understanding how the infertile
are outcast in the adoption industry; I actually would say quite the opposite

Greg: It’s a society issue. Adoption community
can help demand of adoption by not contributing to outcasting infertiles as u
are.

Courtney: I am not outcasting infertile people; I
don’t know where you get that from. I just don’t put their needs ahead of kids
needs

Courtney: in what tangible way do you want
support? This is what I’m not understanding.

Greg: Recognition of loss and not try to tell
them they should just adopt a child in need.

7rin at Adoptionmania calls Greg and others like
him "Poor Entitled Infertile (PIE for ease)." I call them Pathetic,
Pity-Seeking Arrogant Child Snatchers.

I am only surprised that Greg did not pull the
infamous ace in the hole comment here that fertile folk who are able to
reproduce don't have to jump through the hoops those seeking to adopt have to.
This is the crux of much of the emboldened anger over in PIE-land. They refuse
to recognize that adoption should at least maintain a semblance of a PRETENSE to be making the best choice
for the child!

But why should they recognize that when the
entire process of American adoption practice revolves around them. It starts
with their demand and serves to meet it. The entire adoption industry - every
mega-billion dollar of it - is there to serve their every whim. What
color, age, etc. do you desire? Here's a menu of options to serve you. Like
customers seeking to purchase real estate, or a new vehicle, they are asked to
consider how much they can afford to spend and how much time they can invest in
waiting and are given lists of countries with prices and time factors to choose
from.

If there was ever a doubt in anyone's mind that
children are simply a commodity in adoption - a product to be contracted for - it
is evaporated now. Children are the product - with no rights allotted other
citizens -- and their parents simply the disposable containers they arrive in.

Adopters like these EXPECT the public to both applaud and pity THEM, and, they call us bitter and angry! Damn right we are!

11 comments:

"If there was ever a doubt in anyone's mind that children are simply a commodity in adoption - a product to be contracted for - it is evaporated now. Children are the product - with no rights allotted other citizens -- and their parents simply the disposable containers they arrive in."

So true...Veronica is just the highlighted example, but just think how many occur every day?

Marvelous post!! So true, but I'm hoping cases like Dusten's open a few eyes of the "adoption lovin' public!" Here is another case of a father/grandmother fighting an unethical adoption agency. I'm sure they could use some support and advice. They seem totally lost.

Why is it a closed group? I would suggest they check immediately into the putative father registry laws in the state in which the child was born, the state they and their son live in, and the state where the adoption is being attempted. Also, what agency is it? Who is the attorny for the adopters? I would also suggest they go very public with this immediately, before they are hit with any gag orders.

Hey Mirah. Here is a link to the news story: http://www.turnto10.com/story/22809004/man-fights-for-custody-of-3-month-old-girl

https://m.facebook.com/ChildrensFriendRI?__user=100001570419700 This is the adoption agency's fb page. Children's Friend in Rhode Island. I don't know the lawyers. I haven't spoken to the Grandmother, Doreen, personally yet. Should I tell her to make it an open group?

Yes if she wants support! I wouldn't even make it it a group, just a FB PAGE. But she needs to check those putative father registry laws cause that is the adoption agencies only case against the baby's father asserting his rights. many states have these laws in place that the father has to have registered in advance of the birth - in other words, any time a man has sex! And if has not registered in advance they cna get him on that as not supporting her during the pregnancy, even if he didn't know she was pregnant!

Thank you! I passed that info. onto the grandmother. She replied that RI does not have the putative father registry. Is there any other way I can help to get this case some attention?

As a mother of a 28 year old daughter lost to me through adoption as well as being the daughter of an adoptee, my stomach is in knots over these cases. I feel just as much for the fathers as I do for the mothers. This must end.

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World Hunger

"Open adoption and open records are important byways. But they are not the most compelling route. Family preservation is."Dr. Randolph Severson, The Soul of Family Preservation

“Regrettably, in many cases, the emphasis has changed from the desire to provide a needy child with a home, to that of providing a needy parent with a child. As a result, a whole industry has grown, generating millions of dollars of revenues each year . . .”The Special Rapporteur, United Nations, Commission on Human Rights, 2003.

As defined by International law/UNCRC and the Hague Convention, International law says that Family Preservation should come first, domestic adoption second, and international adoption as a last resort. What we have today is the complete opposite where international adoption is used as the go to solution in separating children from their biological families.

"Over the past 30 years, the number of families from wealthy countries wanting to adopt children from other countries has grown substantially. At the same time, lack of regulation and oversight, particularly in the countries of origin, coupled with the potential for financial gain, has spurred the growth of an industry around adoption, where profit, rather than the best interests of children, takes centre stage. Abuses include the sale and abduction of children, coercion of parents, and bribery."

UNICEF's position on Inter-country adoption.

"...overseas adoption is a kind of child abuse by the state. ....Overseas adoption is the forced expulsion of children from the society where they are supposed to live. In this sense, overseas adoption is a social violence against children. As humans, we exist as part of a gigantic ecosystem. The existence of the biological parents of adoptees can never be annihilated nor denied."Overseas adoption is a forced separation of children from their natural ecosystems, as well as a way of forcing them into compulsory unity with settings different from and unnatural to their genetic and original social systems. Through this forced separation and compulsory unity, not only the adoptees, but also their biological parents, adoptive parents and their family members suffer trauma."Pastor Kim Do-hyun, director of KoRoot

According to the United Nations, children separated from their parents during war or natural disasters should not be adopted. “Even if both their parents are dead,” reads UNICEF’s statement on intercountry adoption, “the chances of finding living relatives, a community and home to return to after the conflict subsides exist. Thus, such children should not be considered for intercountry adoption.” Sept. 9, 2013 (The Daily Star :: Lebanon News :: http://www.dailystar.com.lb)

"To focus on these children without focusing on their families or communities thus becomes an ignoble hypocrisy; as if to say, 'give us your huddled masses–but only if they are cute children and can be indoctrinated from an early age'.” Daniel Ibn Zayd

Reform CPS

Mirah Riben

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Family Preservation

See Also"What is Family Preservation""Children have rights. These rights are laid down essentially in the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child and in the Hague Convention on the Protection of Children.

"Children and their biological parents have a right to respect for their family life."Adoption: at what cost? 2007 Terre des hommes – child relief, Lausanne, Switzerland

"Every child has the right to know and be cared for by his or her own parents, whenever possible. UNICEF believes that families needing support to care for their children should receive it."UNICEF

The Uniform Adoption Act calls for the protection of "minor children against unnecessary separation from their birth parents."

“Regrettably, in many cases, the emphasis has changed from the desire to provide a needy child with a home, to that of providing a needy parent with a child. As a result, a whole industry has grown, generating millions of dollars of revenues each year . . .” United Nations, Commission on Human Rights, 2003.

"If ... the best interests of the child is to be the determining factor in child custody cases ... persons seeking babies to adopt might profitably frequent grocery stores and snatch babies from carts when the parent is looking the other way. Then, if custody proceedings can be delayed long enough, they can assert that they have a nicer home, a superior education, a better job or whatever, and that the best interests of the child are with the baby snatchers. Children of parents living in public housing or other conditions deemed less affluent and children of single parents might be considered particularly fair game." -- Justice James Heiple, Illinois Supreme Court in the "Baby Richard" case.

Article 7, U.N. Convention on the Rights of the Child"The child shall be registered immediately after birth and shall have the right from birth to a name, the right to acquire a nationality and. as far as possible, the right to know and be cared for by his or her parents."

Article 8"Where a child is illegally deprived of some or all of the elements of his or her identity, States Parties shall provide appropriate assistance and protection, with a view to re-establishing speedily his or her identity."

Article 9"States Parties shall respect the right of the child who is separated from one or both parents to maintain personal relations and direct contact with both parents on a regular basis, except if it is contrary to the child's best interests."-------------------------------------------------------------------------On December 10, 1948 the General Assembly of the United Nations adopted and proclaimed the Universal Declaration of Human Rights (http://www.un.org/Overview/rights.html).They include:• Article 12. - No one shall be subjected to arbitrary interference with his privacy, FAMILY, home or correspondence, nor to attacks upon his honour and reputation. Everyone has the right to the protection of the law against such interference or attacks.• Article 16(3) - The family is the natural and fundamental group unit of society and is entitled to protection by society and the State.• Article 25(1) - Everyone has the right to a standard of living adequate for the health and well-being of himself and of his family, including food, clothing, housing and medical care and necessary social services, and the right to security in the event of unemployment, sickness, disability, widowhood, old age or other lack of livelihood in circumstances beyond his control. (2) Motherhood and childhood are entitled to special care and assistance. All children, whether born in or out of wedlock, shall enjoy the same social protection.