What My Butt Tattoo Says About My Wee-Wee

I was delighted with the shot used in this week's Voice of me laying on a bed naked as Lindsay Lohan as Marilyn Monroe, mainly because photographer Howard Huang flooded my buttocks with light and made them look as supple and luminescent as a baby sow's bottom. I was also delighted with the tattoo that had been magically applied to my delectable derriere. I had suggested we go with "Merrick, Long Island," "Teenage Drama Queen," or "Wilmer" with a line drawn through it, but instead the perfect tat was dreamed up—for me, mind you, not for Lindsay or Marilyn. It's "Fire Crotch"! My mama must be so proud. Any other ideas for what can be added to my bum? (And please be kind.)