Shiva Call

Is it possible to pay a shiva call to a stranger? One woman discovers that it's not so strange at all.

by Renee Beth Khotim

Yesterday, I decided that I would make a shiva call to the Haymans. Mr. and Mrs. Hayman lost their only child last week when a suicide bomber blew up Sbarro’s pizzeria in Jerusalem. I am sure you are all aware of this event.

Shoshana, their pregnant daughter, lived in my community in New Jersey. I did not know Shoshana, and before yesterday, I did not know her parents, the Haymans. So, I was not so comfortable going to their house, while they were sitting shiva with their family and friends.

I walked up to the front door, closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and then started to shake. I could not bring myself to walk through the door. What would I say? What would I do? How was I going to look at these people who lost their only child, and unborn grandchild?

How was I going to look at these people who lost their only child, and unborn grandchild?

My heart was racing. I clinched my teeth, and said to myself, "Renee, this is not about you!"

I tapped twice on the door. I walked in, and saw several people sitting around in a circle. I was not sure what to do. A woman invited me to sit next to her. I think she was a close family friend. I was silent for several minutes. I was very uncomfortable, and overwhelmed with sorrow.

I glanced at Mrs. Hayman just as she looked up at me. I told her that I recently moved to Passaic, but I did not know Shoshana. She took my hand in hers, and told me a story about Shoshana. She spoke to me for 10-15 minutes, holding my hand, and looking at me the entire time.

I knew then that I had made the right choice by walking through the door. I don't think that I have ever in my life seen such strength, courage, and trust in God. As Mrs. Hayman gripped my hands more firmly, and with the tears rolling down my face, I wondered if I would ever have half of her belief in God.

I thought that I would only stay for about 15 minutes, but 45 minutes later, I had to force myself to leave, as a friend was waiting for me to pick her up from work. Mrs. Hayman hugged me three times before I left, and as she embraced me tightly, she thanked me for being there. I walked out the door the same way I walked in it, shaking!

Sometimes sharing a tear is the only thing you can do.

I have met the Hayman's, and in some way, I know their daughter, Shoshana. I just wanted to share this experience with you. There are painful times in our lives. Sometimes, we don't know what to do, or what to say to someone in pain, so we avoid the situation.

I promise you, this is a mistake. Sometimes, just being there, and saying nothing is the best thing you can do. Sometimes just sharing a tear is the only thing you can do. And sometimes a warm embrace, even from a stranger, is not at all strange.

* * *

Memorial services for Shoshana (Judy) Greenbaum, the 31-year-old pregnant woman killed in the Sbarro terrorist bombing, will be held at the following locations:

Jerusalem - unveiling of the tombstone, at 5 p.m. on Wednesday, September 5, at the Har HaMenuchot cemetery in Jerusalem.

New York - at 11 a.m. on Sunday, September 9, at the White Shul, Reads Lane in Far Rockaway.

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Visitor Comments: 13

(13)
Katie Fiona Scharansky,
July 21, 2011 3:33 PM

Kindness is never inappropriate.

You did a kindess - and at a truly difficult time. This act will be remembered and appreciated by many in that family and beyond. Well done you! With best wishes, Katie and friends x

(12)
Anonymous,
March 15, 2011 7:32 PM

take a step an reach out .

when my huabnd died 2 year ago i w in shock. a person in th community died adn idint know them and i paid a shiva call adn understood th persons pain. ikne wah it w like ot laose a partner. this wa an elderly man agonizing ove hs ded wife. i actually drew some strength form this shiva visit. al jews ned to rach out to othr esepcially now . we ae all in crisis! fraylach purim to all.

(11)
Judy Glass,
September 7, 2001 12:00 AM

I am touched by what happened and I know there is no way to change the fact that Shoshana (Judy) is gone forever. More painful is the fact that with her her unborn child died. We all have to remeber her forever and her love for Jerusalem and Israel even in dangerous times.

(10)
Larry Melsky,
September 3, 2001 12:00 AM

A very moving article about the strength of this Jewish family , in the face of such tragedy.

I just wanted to send the Melsky
family's sincerest and warmest
condolences to the Hayman family on the tragic loss of their daughter Shoshana in Israel.
Ms. Khotim, your article proved that all Jews are one, in time of need. Whether we know the family
personally is irrelevant. We as Jews, should always strive to aid and comfort Jews in need (financially or physchologically)
as you did with your shiva call.
You are to be commended & admired for your
thoughtfulness in paying the shiva call to fellow Jews in need.

Larry & Rena Melsky

and comfort

(9)
Kishan Boddapati,
August 30, 2001 12:00 AM

Very well-written ...

Towards the end, Renee had this to say: "I have met the Hayman's, and in some way, I know their daughter, Shoshana. " Well, this is in fact so very true ... there's an old proverb which says, "whenever someone dies, a little of us also dies!" [I may not have the quote exactly correct but am sure this is the gist of it. I was saddened with what's been happening in and to Israel in recent times but Renee's story really makes it quite more personal! I truly wish the bereaved family courage and strength in this dark hour.
On other note, I am by religion,a Hindu Brahmin but have a lot of interest in Jewish matters. One reason I read this article is the word 'Shiva' caught my attention ... in Hindus, Shiva is the name of one of our gods ...

(8)
Miriam Kalendarev,
August 28, 2001 12:00 AM

It all counts

I personally knew Shoshana Hayman and it was very hard for me to believe the shocking news. I do not know how her parents were able to live through this horror. It must have taken a lot of strength to survive this tragedy. I think it's very important to show them that we care. They need to see our support, our warmth, and our sensitivity. And we need to let them know that while she is not here with us physically she will always live within our hearts. She indeed left an eternal imression with us through her wonderful deeds. And for those who never met her will truly be inspired when learning about Shoshana--a woman of valor,a G-d fearing Jew,a person who dedicated her life to the service of Hashem.

(7)
Dolores James,
August 27, 2001 12:00 AM

'being there' is always very important.m

many times there is nothing to say be cause the pain is so deep, yet if that one person is present the pain is then somewhat shared between another.Words are not always needed.

(6)
Rosally Saltsman,
August 27, 2001 12:00 AM

I too visited the Hayman's and wrote about it.

AMONG THE MOURNERS OF ZION AND JERUSALEM
by Rosally Saltsman

I’ve been spending the summer on vacation. Although
it’s been a badly needed one, I couldn’t help feeling
a little guilty when I heard about the Jerusalem
explosion. Not that my being in Israel at the time
would have helped anyone, but I couldn’t help feeling
that I was not showing solidarity with my fellow
Israelis.
Shabbos brought me to the LaBrea/Fairfax area of
Beverly Hills where the community was feeling the full
impact of the Jerusalem explosion. Alan and Shifra
Hayman were sitting Shiva for their only daughter
Shoshana who had died in the Sbarro bombing.
Although the friend I was staying with only knew the
family by face and although I was a complete stranger,
we couldn’t help wanting to go to the shiva. Although
we felt uncomfortable, infringing on their private
mourning, we felt compelled to go. We went Sunday
morning right before I was to leave L.A.
Boxes of Kleenex were scattered among the many
visitors to the Hayman home as the visitors sat
weeping, unself-consciously. As we entered as
unobtrusively as we could, Shoshana Hayman was warmly
hugging what looked to be a very close friend. They
were obviously consoling each other while Alan Hayman
was stoically relating how for his daughter’s funeral
they had overstepped the tradition of not saying
eulogies at Friday afternoon funerals in Jerusalem.
Something they do only for great sages.
Shifra Hayman came over to my friend and I. When she
heard that I live in Israel she said "Thank G-d you’re
safe." I was overcome. She handed us Kleenex and added
as she saw our tears and our struggle to speak, "There
are no words, the intensity of people’s tears are
comforting." Shifra Hayman then hugged each of us
with great warmth and affection. Someone looking on
could have easily assumed we numbered among her
closest friends. After a few minutes, I turned to my
friend and said "I think they’ve comforted us enough."
It was time to go. Shifra hugged us again and we left.
Shoshana was the Haymans’ only child. They were still
basking in the joy of her recent wedding and
anticipating the birth of what was to be their first
grandchild when they suddenly lost both. At this
shiva, I had been given the rare privilege to see the
great strength of the Jewish people. It’s people like
the Haymans who show such strength and such love of Israel in the time of their darkest tragedy, and the
ability of communities to show support and share their
sorrow with them so deeply that makes us worthy of
being called G-d’s chosen. The greatest of human
dramas is not being played out in the horrors of the
suicide bombings where Palestinian terrorists try to
earn eternity by taking and destroying the lives of
innocent men, women and children, it is in the
aftermath of the destruction, where we see the
nobility of character demonstrated by the survivors
and mourners who console each other as they have done
after every tragedy that has been visited on the
Jewish people. When Jews and Israelis are sacrificed
on the alter of violence we are all counted among the
mourners of Jerusalem. May we all soon be among the
builders of Zion. May we merit to see Mashiach come
speedily in our days. In the meantime, may we all take
comfort in the unity of our people, in their love for
each other and in the fortitude of its many unsung
heroes.

(5)
Lewis Ziman,
August 27, 2001 12:00 AM

wonderful gesture.

I am a retired funeral director, and have often made shiva calls to families that I had never known before being called for the funeral. I had the same reaction to these strangers, who became close friends. I am the father of Chana Heller also of the aish family.

(4)
Dina Blaustein,
August 27, 2001 12:00 AM

Your Huge Mitzvah Brought Many Tears To My Eyes!

Ms. Khotim, I congratulate YOU for doing what most of us would not have.... paying a "shiva call" to someone we don't know. You have more courage and compassion than you probably realize, and we can ALL learn from you! I have sat shiva for both of my parents and found it most difficult. I didn't want to talk about their illnesses, or their deaths, to (in most cases) people that didn't know them, and to even those that did. I just wanted to "sit in silence" and just see a friendly face or get a warm hug from those I'm closest to.... What my parents and I shared is personal and deep in memories, that most of my wonderful kehilla (community) could not relate to, or understand. I commend you and thank you for representing all of us who would not have had the nerve to do your VERY BIG mitzvah. I'm sure you gave Shoshanah's,a'h, mother a great deal of comfort. Again, thanks for doing a beautiful mitzvah, for all of us!

(3)
Anonymous,
August 26, 2001 12:00 AM

Beautiful!!

Kudos to Ms. Khotim on doing a beautiful mitvah such as she described.

(2)
Shari Hodges,
August 26, 2001 12:00 AM

You have extraordinary courage and kindness

It takes extraordinary courage to do an outstanding act - disregarding public approval or disapproval - going on your own instincts - the basic tenents of the Torah. What a wonderful thing for you to do for her mother and family.

(1)
Bonnie Cohen,
August 26, 2001 12:00 AM

Dear Renee,
With tears in my eyes I read your article. I too have paid Shiva calls to families I did not know. Like you I felt that it was the right thing to do. May the All Mighty bless you, and continue to give you the opportunity to always be able to do mitzvahs.

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!