Monday, October 25, 2010

CWG clown and certified joker Suresh Kalmadi today raided the Mayur Bhavan office of Income Tax department in Delhi and walked away with some papers.

Sources close to Suresh Kalmadi (as close as Arundathi Roy is to Syed Shah Geelani) told Humor Unplugged that the raid was carried out in response to the IT department raiding his office last week. “What do they think? Only they can carry out raids? I can do so too and I will; and let this be a warning to all tax sleuths who are planning more raids on my offices in the future. I will continue to steal crucial papers from IT offices across the nation till they stop harassing me and going after my ill gotten wealth,” Kalmadi said before fleeing the scene of crime on a pair of roller skates purchased at 300 times their market value by Suresh Kalmadi's son Pappu Kalmadi.

Apparently, when Kalmadi barged into the IT office, he was carrying a picture of Mayawathi without make up and he used the image to scare the day lights out of the security guards – some of whom fainted and had to be hospitalized. Kalmadi was also heard repeatedly threatening the department staff with dire consequences, if they continued the raids. “Stay away, else I will release snakes in your homes and I am not talking about Mailika Sherawat. I will also ensure that your bed is filled with jumping stray dogs,” Kalmadi threatened.

IT officials meanwhile claimed that the papers that Kalmadi took were inconsequential. “Those were actually the grocery bills from the canteen in our premises. I have no idea why he took them away,” a senior IT official told Humor Unplugged.

Reddy brothers want to acquire stake in IT department
In a related development, Karnataka’s famous Reddy brothers Greedy Reddy and Shady Reddy, today urged the union government to divest its stake in the IT department. The brothers submitted a memorandum in this regard to the union finance minister Pranab Mukherjee. Greedy Reddy said that his family was interested in buying a controlling stake in the IT department as part of the corporate social responsibility initiative of their company Shady Inc. The brothers between themselves have committed Rs 7000 crores for this purpose and have mooted the creation of a special purpose vehicle that will channel the stake and help them control the department.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Pakistan on Friday announced that it had successfully tested its first ever ‘completely indigenously built fighter aircraft’. A government spokesperson said that the flight lasted 2 minutes and met all flight parameters successfully. “It was what we would like to call a textbook flight and we are happy to report that all flight parameters were successfully met. We are looking at inducting these fighter planes in Pakistan Air Force by 2040 and these jets can compete with any of the planned 5th generation fighter aircraft with one wing tied behind its back,” the over enthusiastic spokesperson said. Humor Unplugged’s Islamabad correspondent was able to get an exclusive picture of the aircraft during the test flight.

The test flight: A proud PAF pilot couldn't hide his excitement
on board the first Pakistani fighter jet

Kingfisher Airlines chairman Vijay Mallya has asked union civil aviation minister Praful Patel to direct his ministry to strict action against rival airline for what he called ‘nondiscretionary transgression’. The demand was made at a closed door meeting held in the national capital on Saturday evening after a Jet Airways with 122 passengers on board hit a stationary Kingfisher plane while it was being pushed back at the International airport in Mumbai.

As soon as Mallya made this allegation, Patel’s assistants scampered and ran like headless chickens to fetch a dictionary. After a hour long wait, when the meaning of the words were finally deciphered, Patel asked Mallya to chill and have beer while he ascertains the facts of the case and the DGCA report comes in. But Mallya would have none of it “In the past also, many Jet Airways pilots have had ‘near misses’ with our air hostess outside their aircraft and it ain’t funny anymore as now they are trying to do it from their cockpit. It is not the just the repair costs that are worrying me. Have you any idea how much effort we put into selecting and training these air hostesses,” asked Mallya.

Air India air hostess are trained
to handle all kinds of goons

Patel meanwhile came up with a suggestion for Mallya. “Why don’t you hire some of the overweight 50-year old air hostess from Air India? I mean that should solve the problem. The Jet Airways guys won’t try and make passes at these ladies and besides they are good at their job so you won’t have any reason for whining. If a Jet Airways pilot even makes an accidental pass at one of them, he will be reduced to pilot pulp in a matter of seconds. That should teach these rogue pilots a lesson,” Praful said.

Kingfisher air hostesses

Mallya however was as non committal as Deepika Padukone. “Look, my airline has been in the red in the true sense for a while now and I cannot afford to increase my fuel costs by flying these guys right now. There is a positive side to your suggestion but I don’t think I can implement it at this juncture,” Mallya said.

Mamta Banerjee returning after teaching
a legislator some 'manners'

Praful then came up with another idea “why don’t you hire some bouncers from those pubs in Bangalore and let them handle these air goons? That should solve the problem don’t you think? Also in case the Jet Airways pilots continue their misdemeanor, we have the option of using the last resort available- to deploy Mamta Banerjee. So don't worry your beer off..I will take care of this” Patel said. “I think that is indeed a good suggestion. I will hire one for every flight in routes where Jet flies goony pilots. Thanks for all the help. I will send in extra copies of the Kingfisher calendar for you this year”. Mallya left after a few minutes.

All attempts to elicit a response from Jet proved futile. We got an Out of Patience reply from their spokesperson in Mumbai.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Here at Humor Unplugged we are fed up of China barking its head off on our state Arunachal Pradesh. The most recent provocation came today morning with Google Earth's Chinese rival showing our state inside Chinese territory. This episode along with countless others shows how insecure China really is.

We know for sure that the meek Indian government will cow down and respond saying "Arunachal Pradesh is a integral part of India...". This is not what we want. So we have decided to give it right back to the world's most hegemonic nation. We have done what the Indian government couldn't do all this while. Starting today all maps hosted on Humor Unplugged will show Tibet as a part of India (which is actually true). From today onwards we will consider Tibet to be an integral part of India.

Do whatever you wish to China...we are not afraid of you or your regimented zombies and better get that super-colossal insecurity of yours treated..

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Catalan Institute of Paleontology (ICP), Barcelona is all set to receive a unique gift from none other than the Indian government. India has decided to hand over Kashmiri separatist and amoeboid Pakistani parasite Syed Shah Geelani to the Barcelona-based institute for conducting a volley of tests to study and document the 'living fossil'.

The 'Jurassic freak' reacts on hearing
the news that he will be
sent to Spain

ICP, according to sources, has been asking for Geelani for the last two years. Geelani, in fact has been a subject of much fascination and curiosity among paleontological experts from institutes across the globe due to his age, features and ideology. “In the past, at least 3 institutes have asked us to hand him over for further research. We were tired of handling the ever increasing number of experts flying down to meet him and were also scared that a Headley might sneak in on this pretext. His separatist behavior bordering on lunacy was also not helping. Therefore, at a closed door meeting in South Block last week we finally decided to hand him over to one the institutes so that they can retain him. He is unwanted in India and we would like to dump this prehistoric freak at the earliest,” a RAW analyst told Humor Unplugged over an encrypted chat.

Origin of Geelani
According to experts, Geelani was born during early Cretaceous and has been around since then. His first, and last, date was a Asiatosaurus- a huge plant-eater. He was around when the dinos waved goodbye and when the last major ice age set in. It is said that he survived the last ice age by constantly uttering incomprehensible chatter about separation, strike and protest. It is around this time that he learnt to throw stones while foraging for food - a habit that he has retained to this day. The only difference is that today, Geelani’s food and pay comes from across the border.

Government sources say Geelani will be flown to Barcelona in a specially built cage on a modified IL 76 of the Indian Air Force. Before this however, he will be let loose among a crowd of Kashmiri Pundits who will be allowed to thrash him to pulp. This will help subdue him for the journey ahead. Meanwhile in Srinagar, Geelani asked the people of Kashmir to join him in a dawn to dusk strike. No sooner had he said this, a bunch of villagers came, dragged Geelani outside, thrashed him with shoes and dumped him back in his house.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Showing its true colors, United States of America has once again decided to ignore the stellar role played by Pakistan in fostering global terrorism. This time it has gone a step further and rewarded the terror capital of the world with a pact to keep that nation happy after a series of attacks deep inside the so called Pak soil created much heartburn in Pakistan.

As already reported by New York Times, Obama administration will be offering Pakistan a multi-year security pact complete with more reliable military aid. The offer will be made to the Pakistani civilian and military leaders who arrive in Washington this week for a strategic dialogue, the influential US daily said.

Humor Unplugged has managed to secure a copy of the proposed pact arrived after much diaper whining by Pakistan. According to the draft, US has agreed to ignore future David Headleys emerging from US soil and promised to royally avoid Indian requests for extraditing such criminals and absolving Pakistan of any involvement at all times. US has infact decided to offer future terrorists from Pakistan a special T1 terror visa. Headleys from USA will be allowed to travel freely to countries like India where they will partake in reece missions on behalf of Pakistani terrorist organizations.

The text of the draft also has a point on the wives of future Headleys. “FBI will ignore all warnings given by the wives of such terrorists (like Headley) in case they report any suspicious behavior displayed by their husband(s) .Such information will be categorized as matrimonial ranting and the file will be disposed off within a minute of its creation without informing the concerned wives. This information will be shared with the ISI and the concerned terrorist in order to ensure that they are more careful in the future” the draft says.

Highlights of the new pact:

• More F 16s to combat stone age mullahs domiciled in AFPAK region
• Pakistan can aid, abet and foster global terror in any country other than US or its NATO allies
• In case a terror attack on US soil is traced back to Pakistan. Pakistan will be threatened with dire consequences and asked to act against the concerned terrorists. These warnings will be issued over a period of a month or till such a time that public anger in US against the terror attack persists
• Once the anger subsides, Pakistan will be pampered again and US-Pak relations strengthened and brought to pre-attack levels
• In the meantime US will explore all options including a strike against Iran or Afghanistan to take attention away from Pakistan’s role in the attack in US soil. The so called axis of weasels will expanded to include countries outside Asia
• Pak will be given the option of supplying fake terrorists to US. These guys can be handed over at regular intervals as proof of Pakistan’s commitment to war on terror season II or three or whatever
• Pakistani terror organizations whose primary enemy is a nation other than US or its NATO allies will be allowed to raise funds from within USA
• US will not interfere in the following activities carried out by Pakistan – Drug trade, clandestine nuclear deals that endanger global security and peace, missiles deals with North Korea and China, arms trade and money laundering

The pact christened Mutual Rear Saving and Cooperation Order will be signed as soon as Pakistan gives its aye.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

In wake of Chinese democracy activist Liu Xiaobo winning the Nobel Peace Prize, China’s political top brass has moved quickly to contain the perceived damage caused by the event. After directly threatening nearly 125 countries and hacking the official websites of 8 countries who praised Liu, China has decided to use the soft power of media to spread anti democracy messages within its zombie population and China watchers outside its borders. .

A surprisingly cheerful looking
Wai Yu Soo Dum

Wai Yu Soo Dum, that’s the name of the new anti democracy mascot unveiled by China on Friday to counter what it calls “the whispers of the democratic whimpy whiners". Speaking at a function organized to release the mascot, Chief Chinese Propaganda In Charge Yukk Thoo Chin said “This is indeed a landmark day for every hegemonic, insecure autocratic regime out there. Our aim is to show that even if they give a Nobel Prize to every Chinese dissident out there, we will bounce back, act anxious and jail a million more citizens in our amendment camps spread across the length and breadth of our pious nation”.

According to prominent China watchers, the mascot is latest in a series of steps taken by that country to demonstrate its allergy to democracy.

“This is just the beginning. Going forward we will also have mascots for milk contamination, heavy metal infested toys, cheap counterfeit hardware and intrusion,” Thoo added.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

India has requested Chile to keep the infamous mine that held 33 miners hostage for over two months open for a while longer. The exact time period is not known but what is known is that the Indian government has drawn up a plan to dump all the corrupt and incompetent CWG-OC buffoons into the hell pit, once the charges against them are established. The San Jose mine near Copiapo in Chile had held the miners captive till they were rescued dramatically by a joint effort mounted by NASA, Chilean government and some private companies.

The game is up for Kalmadi
in more ways than one

Sources in the home ministry told Humor Unplugged that ever since the clamor for action against the few who brought shame and disgrace to the nation grew, the government has made up its mind to dole out a punishment that will be unprecedented in the legal history of the country. “I can confirm that the Indian government has sent a communiqué to the Chilean Ministerio de Minería requesting them not to close the mine anytime soon. We want to push all the crooks behind the CWG scandal down the mine and then seal it. Such crooks deserve no sympathy. They have let everyone down and deserve nothing better,” our source in the home ministry said.

Humor Unplugged has learnt that the Prime Minister’s Office has directed the investigating agencies to close the investigation soon so that the culprits can be punished at the earliest. Chile has indicated that while it is more than eager to accommodate the Indian request, it cannot keep the mine open for long. Sources say that Chilean government has asked its Indian counterpart to give a concrete time frame by which the culprits will be handed over to Chilean authorities for disposal. “Keeping this in mind the PM has asked all agencies to wind up the investigation rapidly and try the accused in a fast track court over a week. Once the guilty verdict is out as per our expectations, the guilty will be flown to Chile and thrown into the mine. The opening will then be sealed with a mix of plastic and fly ash,” our source said.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Blame it on global warming, that’s the line that many parties are parroting after the ‘shameful Monday’ incident in Karnataka assembly which brought more disgrace to national parties the Congress and the BJP. Shockingly, spokespersons of both parties were unanimous in pining the blame on global warming for the day’s events and for the disgraceful behavior of party legislators.

“It is positvely the ill effects of man’s negative influence on climate and there are no two ways about it. With the rise in global temperature especially in the tropic, the metabolic rate of human beings also goes up and the result is a net increase in the amount of energy available and if it is not channeled for any good purpose, the effect will only be disastrous. I have always maintained that we cannot play around with nature and today, the results are there for all to see and I am extremely dissappointed. You saw that guy who was tearing his shirt...why do you think that was happening? Even the governor was not immune to the illeffects of global warming,” said Venkaiah Naidu before driving away in his gas guzzling SUV

Congress spokesperson Manish Tiwari was equally at ease in holding anthropogenic climate change responsible for the drama enacted by legislators. “The disgraceful behavior exhibited by these elected leaders should be considered as an irrefutable proof of the distance we have covered in spoiling our home planet. No single party can be blamed for what happened on that day as we are all responsible. If global warming continues to march ahead at the same pace, we can expect tempers to soar and more nasty fights to follow in the days to come. We have to act now to put an end to mankind’s role in furthering global warming,” Tiwary said.

While other newspapers and blogs were busy condeming the incident, Humor Unplugged decided to investigate the latest excuse cited by two penny politicians from both sides. Our investigation led us to a climate expert called Dr Hammerschmidst, who had written a paper on the increasing instances of legislators across the world indulging in shamefull behavior and its connection with the increasing concentration of greenhouse gasses in the atomosphere.

Humor Unplugged tracked the climate expert to a small climate station in Dehra Dun and had a chat with him. Hammerschmidst’s research shows that while there were a handful of incidents per 100 legislators in the earliest documented parliament in the year 930, the same rose to almost 140 by the year 2000. “The biggest incident then was of a legislator stealing a horse from the house of a fellow legislator in the year 930. The incident ended in an apology and nothing happened. Moving ahead if you look at this graph, you will clearly see that with increasing concentration of Carbon Dioxide, the instances of leigislators losing their cool has also gone up and if my predictions come true, we will have one fight somewhere in the world every minute by 2040.

Concerned citizens however had a different take on the issue. "Yeah thats true. These legislators are filled with nothing but greenhouse gases and thats why they float around without getting involved in key issues such as development, education for masses and food security," a furious citizen told Humor Unplugged.

The graph extracted from Hammerschmidst’s research paper and reproduced with due permission

It was an all Pakistan affair at the first ever Mega Corruption awards organized by the International Cricket Council in Dubai on Friday. The Pakistani Cricket Board and its crickets swept awards under various categories. According to a Dubai datelined press release issued by the ICC, the awards have been instituted to encourage fixing and other forms of illegal gambling and to channel more money into the cricket body’s coffers.

Best cheeky behavior before a fixed match award – joint winners - Salman Butt and Mohammad Amir the day before Sydney test. (Salman Butt and Mohammad Amir were acting jubilant and cheeky in an Ed Hardy store while clad in ‘fluorescent apparel’. Both were drinking branded and bottled Ed Hardy water and were joking around, parading clothes to their teammates)
Best bookiein a televised role - Mazhar Majeed
Steve Bucknor Memorial Ignoranamous award- winner Ricky Ponting for saying that he did not believe that the Sydney test was fixed
Best anonymous fixing effort – joint winners ‘a dynamic Sri Lankan batsman’ and a ‘famous Australian batsman’
Best group fixing effort – winners – 27 players and an official who fixed matches during IPL 2 in South Africa
Best fixing effort (individual) – Kamran Khatmal, Sydney test
Ostrich award for ignorance – winner ICC president Sharad Pawar
Dodo unit award - winner ICC's Anti-Corruption and Security Unit
The ‘I can get some cheap publicity from this and get into Big Boss’ award- winner Veena Malik

Umpiring clown and overall joker Steve Bucknor feels that Australia could have won the nail biting Mohali test, if he was the umpire. In an exclusive chat with Humor Unplugged from his posh villa in Sydney, the umpiring frog claimed that he would have made a big difference to the fortunes of his favorite team if he was still officiating.

“I would have made half the Indian side walk back to the pavilion within 20 runs in both the innings and would have made atleast 3 Aussie batsmen score centuries. ICC would have backed me up and we could have hushed the whole thing behind a veil of Aussie cricket supremacy. I should have been the umpire for this series,” Bucknor said.

Claiming that the Aussies were his favorite side Bucknor said “they have always paid me on time. The money comes to my account even before the match ends in a victory for them. In fact, on many occasions Ricky (Ponting) used to walk up to me and say I should be the man of the match for my unsurpassed contribution. He is one guy who understands the value of my contribution and never questioned my commitment to helping Australia holding on to the number one position in all forms of the game”.

Bucknor also said that the downfall of Australian team was directly linked to his retirement. So what has he been upto post retirement? Bucknor is planning to open a ‘bad umpiring’ academy for all aspiring Bucknors out there. “This academy will raise and nurture the next generation of Bucknors who will help Australia become the number one test team in the future,” Bucknor said sipping coffee from a mug gifted to him by Ricky after he essayed a series of howlers to help Australia win a crucial test against India down under.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Paul Henry, the NZTV host belongs to a category of moral and intellectual illiterates whom we despise at Humor Unplugged. May this moron vanish from TV screen in NZ forever and may the heavens rain shoes on this racist fossil brain soon. Just watch this video and see how this clown transforms himself into a senseless freak within seconds.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Pakistan’s famed General and all round joker Pervez Musharraf in conversation with Humor Unplugged‘s resident editor (he sleeps on the couch in the reception of our office) Rajcreep Sorefakeeye. In this brief chat, Musharaf outlines his future political plans and tells us why he is returning to Pakistan.

Rajcreep Sorefakeeye: You have messed around enough with the future of your country. Why this sudden desire to return to Pakistan?Pervez Musharraf : Tell me one thing. When did Pakistan have a future? When we became independent, suddenly we realized that we wont be able to survive as a nation and that we needed a cause to sustain our existence and fool the ordinary citizen into believing that we do have something to stay together for and that is how the Kashmir issue was born and then we had wars with India and now we have this these floods along with donkey-riding Mullahs threatening our very existence. We never had a future Rajcreep so it doesn’t make any difference whatsoever and everyone is busy enjoying the present. So I also thought I could come back and continue my good work.

Rajcreep Sorefakeeye: Good work? The only reason Pakistan survived as a nation during your tenure is 9-11. That is when US played a double game and recruited your country as a bogus ally in the so called war on terror. Pervez Musharraf: Look, lets not go into the past. Because it is not worth pondering and there are better things to do. I will start from a scratch all over again this time. And by the way I know quite a lot about your past too which could land you in trouble.

Rajcreep Sorefakeeye: Like?Pervez Musharraf: Like that hazel eyed PYT journo from NYT with whom you had a brief fling during the Agra Summit when I was addressing the press conference. You think such things escape my attention? I had seen you guys…

Rajcreep Sorefakeeye: How is it like being retired. Do you miss your uniform?Pervez Musharraf: Do I? I do. I almost felt like I was in my birthday suit till quite sometime after I shed the uniform. You see I used to do everything in my uniform. In fact I even used to sleep in it which is the reason why most of the times my wife used to make me sleep on the couch in our living room or in extreme cases with our pet dog in his dog house. My uniform had all kinds of stains on it including pedegree. But its not been all that bad either. In the last two years I have spend much time on improving my counting abilities. I can now count upto the number 9 and that is indeed a remarkable achievement. I mean imagine when my wife wasn’t around and I had to give clothes to the dhobi, it was quite tough. I used to take pics of each piece of cloth using my mobile and compare it with the lot that came back after washing and ironing to ensure that nothing went missing. Else my wife would have made me sleep in the neighbors doghouse, when she returned.

Rajcreep Sorefakeeye: How different is managing Pakistan army from managing Pakistan?Pervez Musharraf:Not at all different. There are more politicians and businessmen inside the Pak army than outside it.

Rajcreep Sorefakeeye: All Pakistan Muslim League that’s what your party will be called. What will it do?Pervez Musharraf: We will do all good things. Milk the USA for more money, continue the fight with India on Kashmir, interfere in our neighbors business, send terrorists into other countries, indulge in clandestine nuclear proliferation, continue facilitating opium trade via our territory, deepen our engagement with China and North Korea and last but not least, channel more money into my Swiss bank account.

Rajcreep Sorefakeeye: Give me one reason to believe that you will be elected this time.Pervez Musharraf: Do you know what these elections are called?
Rajcreep Sorefakeeye: Pakistani General elections?Pervez Musharraf: Spot on. What do you think they mean when they say General election? It means electing the General and who do you think is the General here? (starts laughing uncontrollably, falls from his chair and passes out).