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13 Things I Don’t Like

1. People who leave their cell phone on the table while I’m talking to them. I feel like I have to compete for their attention with an electronic device. What’s the point of telling something that requires deep thought if our conversation will be interrupted at any moment?

2. Girls who immediately try to change the first song I put on after they enter my apartment. This is one of my major tests to find out if a girl is able to not be selfish for three and a half minutes to enjoy something that her partner prefers. It’s the most reliable sign I have for whether a girl is relationship worthy or not.

3. Guys who don’t ask questions. Either you use conversation as a window to learn more about other people, or as a means to get things out of your head. I’m convinced that self-absorbed men would make far better companions if they simply started a blog.

4. People who tell me I “should” do something for the benefit of society instead of for myself. I don’t have to do anything but pay my taxes and die.

5. Foreign bars that don’t have good vodka. Brown liquors like whiskey are prone to cause bad hangovers when consumed in large quantities, making it more suitable for a weekday libation than weekend fun. Mixing alcohol with sugar also increases the severity of hangovers. If I’m going to party all I need is a decent vodka that is consumable with only ice. Sadly, many European bars don’t have this.

6. Guys who spit horrible game within earshot. I have a low cringe reflex when it comes to hearing bad game. It offends the past 11 years of my life where I practiced my own game to make it something digestible to women of the world. If a man is telling an average girl how beautiful she is, or is actively seeking her approval, I have to physically withdraw myself from the area.

7. Chicken breast that starts smelling only a day or two after you purchase it. This is common when buying from foreign grocery stores because of their limited use of preservatives. Washing the chicken does very little to reduce the speed of spoilage. I learned that you can still cook stinky chicken and it will taste fine, but it should be thrown out if it starts to become slimy. In America I’ve never had stinky chicken—I can let it sit on the counter for a couple days and it still won’t smell.

8. Having to piss with strong morning wood. I get urine all over the toilet.

9. Girls who reply to a text message the following day. Bitch, I know you’re not that busy and I know you stay up late doing nothing of importance. If you’re going to take a full night to write back, I’m going to take a full eternity to do the same.

10. Mediocre books. They’re not good enough to be excited about reading, but not bad enough that you shouldn’t finish. With so many few books that are great, I’m afraid mediocre books are unavoidable.

11. Condoms. They should only be used in the first night you have sex with someone, but never again. If you like each other to repeat the sex then there is a seed of love that would easily justify a trip to the doctor for STD treatment or an abortion.

12. Belts that don’t fit perfectly. One notch makes the pants too loose and the next make them too tight. I customized my casual belt by creating a notch, but I slimmed down shortly after, making the next official notch more suitable. My ugly customization is on full display to the ladies.

13. Fat arms. The body part that is most visible on humans are the arms. It’s the window to the rest of your body, and one reason why meatheads spend so much time doing bicep curls in the gym. Unfortunately for women, arms are a suitable place to store fat thanks to their physiology, unlike a fat man who can still have reasonably slender arms but a gigantic stomach. Women who have fat arms announce to me—and the world—that they don’t care about their appearance, and if they don’t care about their appearance, how are they going to care about pleasing me?