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Thursday, January 29, 2015

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, The Sound of Music, Saved, Bring It On!, Some Kind of Wonderful, 16 Candles, The Breakfast Club, Spaceballs, Romancing the Stone, Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory, The Goonies, The Dark Crystal. The list is truly extensive.

2. Running outside. The fresh air, the trees, waving at other runners, joggers, walkers outside. Feeling connected to something other than the chaos in my head.

3. Listening to my children laugh.

4. Alone time with my husband. This is so incredibly rare. I actually cannot remember the last time we spent time alone. Currently I'm dreaming of a three day/two night stay away from the children. But, no babysitter to take on 3 children makes it a no go. We need the recharge as a couple desperately. One day. (Trust me, "one day" is the only thing that keeps us sane some days lol)

5. Going for walks with the family. I really love visiting Kildonan Park in the summer and taking the kids to the Witches Hut. That place still gives me the creeps, even if they did change a lot of the inside from what it was like when I was a kid. Not as dark and foreboding.

6. Dancing at the club. The music pulsating and no one else around me is there. Everything liquifies. It's just me and the music. The only time besides working out where I feel connected to my body and not a bystander in a shell. Ah heck, I'll dance anywhere. Music is magical indeed.

7. Reading. I just read 3 books of 3 in a series in about four or five days. I just went for an eye exam for new glasses as I gave myself a severe headache doing that. I can't wait to start reading that much again. The kids are old enough I'm able to get back into reading for pleasure more. (On Goodreads I just challenge myself to read 25 books in 2015. I'm already 3 or 4 in.)

8.Writing. I'm starting something new and trying to make sure I get writing in at least once a week right now. I have a goal for some sort of rough draft by the end of 2015.

9. Cheerleading. Being a cheerleader for my husband, kids, family and friends in their endeavours. I really enjoy watching them grow in their prospects. Seeing them succeed brings me much joy.

Saturday, January 24, 2015

Some people need to have that person in their life they feel they have to save. Save from a situation, from themselves, from life. They see what they feel is an injustice and set out to make everything right. They need to be that compass pointing True North. It gives them purpose. It distracts them from their own inner chaos. The intention is noble, but they forget that people don’t generally need saving, they just need someone there to say, “this is shit, but I’m here. Let’s put our shit kickers on and I’ll be your back up if you need. Just ask.” These are the people who hold grandiose ideas of sticking around through thick and thin. They will be there no matter what. They can do it because they are strong enough. They can change you so you can do anything. And there it is. Before the friendship is even bonded, they have decided to save you they must change you. It’s not out of ill intent. It never is. They really don’t understand what they are expecting of the other person. They just know that they will be the one to help you turn that corner. Whatever that corner may be. They really don’t understand what they are truly expecting of themselves. Unlike the movies, being somebody’s rock is truly exhausting. Ask anyone who has raised children. (They suck the life force from you. That is why staying up until 9pm feels like you are staying up past your bedtime.) And for a while they can switch roles. And then it happens, they have gotten you through that tough part, and you through theirs. The part that you and they “needed” saving from. This is the deciding moment. That moment when the friend jumps from the negative radiating pond because the true you has almost sucked all the strength from the rock, or they stay for the long haul.

My friend did jump ship. It wasn’t a bad thing, nor was it a good thing. It was just the natural ending of that friendship. A phone call or a visit every once in a while to catch up, and we became acquaintances. There was nothing wrong with it. All was right with the universe. It was as it should be. Then something happened and the season become a forced extension of what it should have been.

There are the people who start to fade in and out of your life. When they are in your life it’s great. They tend to show up in the calm moments, for the celebrations. You get caught up in their positive energies, bobbing along the pond, unaware of anything in your path. They are more than happy to help with the little bumps; the ones that cause the ripples in the water, never the waves. But you don’t mind at first because you are invincible in this sunlight. You are willing to be there whenever they need you. But for some reason they only include you in bits and pieces of their lives and you don’t understand why, but decide to take it with a grain of salt. Chalk it up to a busy life. You have grandiose plans of sharing huge life events together. After all, you already have been in a few. But you don’t see what is really there. What this extension of a season is doing not only to you, but also to the other person.

Paranoia and over analyzing the friendship happens. You feel a pulling away from the friend, yet you blind yourself to reality. All relationships can make you blind to what’s going on if you’ve invested all you have into it. We all have done this in one season or another, sometimes more. We desire to be someone’s strength and will even remain rocks to those we don’t really like once we get to know them, because we are certain we can change them, and make them better people. Truth. You cannot change anyone. You can be an inspiration, but their change is because of them. You can’t force change, and neither should you. And this is the impasse. Somebody must face the reality of what is going on and take action.

Before writing this I said I didn’t want my friend to change, but when I’m honest with myself I did. I wanted my friend to accept me from who I was. This friend couldn’t do that.

I felt this coming for a long time, but I was still hurt. Very, very hurt. I kept the most hurtful, scathing words to myself. I said what I needed to say and mourn my loss. Then I tried to see what I could take from the friendship. What did I learn? What was I supposed to learn? I got sad, angry, sad, and angry again. I vented. I worked through it as close to how I thought a normal person would as I could. For 17hrs this did threaten to pull me under. It’s the disorder. The depression was threatening to claim me, and it partially did. But if I let it consume me, I learned nothing.

In past this friend mentioned that he/she posted positive quotes when he/she felt bad because it lightened his/her mood. I’ve been practicing that over the last seven months. It’s not easy. It goes against old habits. Then I came across this quote on Goodreads:

“It makes no sense to try to extend a friendship that was only meant to be a season into a lifetime.”
― Mandy Hale, The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass

And the tidal waves in the pond, became regular waves, then ripples, then stilled with my mind. While he/she caused so much hurt by utilizing avoidance for too long, I was just as at fault. By trying to be more like my friend and less like me I tried to “extend a friendship that was only meant to be a season into a lifetime”. This actualization also showed me I did have “lifetime” friends who have weathered many seasons with me, none of them expecting me to change. All of them are willing to walk this life with me. Not walk in front of me, or behind me, but exactly where I needed them. These friends are walking right beside me. These are the friendships I need to foster and grow. This friendship, as painfully as it ended, showed me that I am blessed, and my grass is greenest right where I am.

Friendships. Relationships of any sorts have always been the bane of my existence. My disorder dictated a lot of how I reacted to them, in them, and out of them. How I dealt with them in the beginning, in the middle, and at the end. It still dictates to a degree. I can’t give this disorder away (believe me I would try), I can’t wave a wand or wish it away (believe me I have tried), but I can do my best not to let it sweep me away in its chaotic perceptions. This has been tricky. I could whine about not being able to get the help I need to make it easier (I have an exhaustive whine list), or I could strike out on my own to find ways to make it easier. In my life I’ve learned that sometimes you got to get in and get dirty to get the results you need to move on. My life has been very messy.

I have mentioned before that I felt there was a great change coming. I didn’t know what it was or what it would entail, but I knew this change was going to have to do with a shift in self-perceptions, self-awareness, etc. A recent dream highlighted the feeling that I needed to really work on me. The part that I’ve come to focus on the most, as it seems to be “clicking” with what is going on around me at the moment is this portion of the dream.

I’m in a tattoo parlor and I am getting a tattoo on my “pooch” that said “Learn to Love Yourself” in gorgeous script. I touched around the tattoo and cradled my stretch marked belly like a pregnant woman cradling a child in her womb. And it felt like that, like I was cradling something precious and the image of a child in a womb flowed over me.

So what has this got to do with friendships? A lot. A lot of self help books talk about getting rid of the toxic things in your life from inanimate objects to people. Mostly people. Be around like-minded people, blah, blah, blah. There is credence to this, but they are mostly talking about putting positive in place of the negative. And a lot of people are just negative. However, if you are a negative person trying to change into the positive or less negative, you just threw yourself into the pond with nothing but rocks and mud. No friends to keep you company, as their positive selves want nothing to do with your negative forces. And this is where friends come into play. Friends who are willing to get into that pond in the thick of that negative radiating muddy water with you. Friends won’t try to change you to their positive charged ways, but will gladly sit with you and muck about in the rocky water with you. Yes, some people are just exhausting and you need to leave. Those friends are your “seasonal” friends. Not that they weren’t real. They had a lesson to learn from you, a lesson to teach you, or both. Unfortunately, just like lifetime friends, seasonal friendships can put you through the ringer if you are unable to see they were just meant to be for a season. I know even regular people have a hard time knowing the seasonal friends until some time after it has already ended, possibly even have a hard time when it ends. For me, when I decide I have a friend, not an acquaintance, I have decided they are for life. There is no season. To me it’s a waste of time and doesn’t make sense. Which makes ending that friendship hard. I also second-guess things due to the disorder and past events, that I don’t want to end things just in case I perceived the situation wrong. It doesn’t help when you ask the question straight out and the person on the other end, for whatever their own reasons are, they lie to themselves and you and say they’ll stay long past the time they want and/or should. This recently happened to me. In retrospect it should have ended many years before.

Friday, January 2, 2015

That is how I spent most, if not all of 2014. If you look back at most of my posts there was a huge angry undertone. I cringe when I go back and read things. I lost myself in this anger, and brought in the "kitchen sink". Understandably so. At the tail end of 2013 I had a miscarriage. The beginning of 2014 was spending time, stuffing the pain through exercise. I got myself a bigger position at work. I discovered too big, as I hurt myself at work and then my babysitter quit. Then my husband got laid off in June. Our summer was stressful. I have never seen anyone so dedicated to getting back up. I relied on God and kept up the positive words to my husband, "It'll all work out. God will provide." I never let him know how afraid I was that it wasn't true. But I needed to believe that God would pull us through too. I often chastised myself for the doubt. But 20-30 resume's a day and countless interviews. Offers for less than what we'd get on EI for the same position. The future left us, me especially, in a panic. Finances have always been my biggest stressor. Finally, at the beginning of September, just when any funds we had were almost nil, he got a job. Definitely not what he was making, but it's doable as long as I have a job to supplement. During this time I got a part time position. It's 18hrs shorter than what we need to cover all our bills, and it's only a term position. But, I can pick up shifts when needed, so it helps.

Then at the end of September I started getting sick. A bunch of tests were taken mid December, I get in to see the doctor this January. I have chronic back pain (beginning when I hurt myself at work in Feb), chronic headaches, severely stressed out all the time, some days food triggers times where I can't leave the bathroom, so finding work outside the home is hard when you're always sick. I feel useless, depressed, and therefore more angry.

2014 was also filled with other things, things that peaked through the anger. Briefly, but they were there. I have a strong desire for change. For everything. I have had this feeling that a large change is coming since September. I don't know what it is, or how it will happen. What I do know is that it needs to start within me. I have a huge obstacle though, myself and this disorder. Yes, in that order. I AM my biggest roadblock. I was also able to let go of the huge pain from the miscarriage and not feel guilty for not carrying it every single day. On the exact day I miscarried the year prior I was able to accept that just because I don't talk about Emmitt or think of him every second, that I've forgotten him. Letting go and letting God heal me never means forgetting, it just means healing and learning to live again.

So here's to 2015. This is going to be the year I'm going to delve into myself. I'll admit that I'm terrified. There is so much work that will have to be done, and on my own.

What have I started before January 1, 2015?

1) I started doing flylady.net Definitely fly baby steps here. I need to work around driving husband to and from work, kids to and from school, etc. Results so far = I can sort of see more clean spaces than clutter and chaos (which clearly represents my insides).

2) I wrote a list of things that I feel inside, what I want to change, what I can do to help the change. (I'm slow to change, so this is tuff. the action part).

3) Joined Moon Joggers with the hubby and we made up 'Team PIA'. Feel free to join us. It's about getting moving all year.

4)Being and staying honest with myself and those around me.

5)reading more

6)putting positive quotes up on FB when all I wanna do is crab about everything.

7) learn to like myself. (no clue how to do that or where to start. I've got 30+ years of self hate going on)

8) basic care taking of myself. I take care of everyone else, and rarely, if ever do anything for myself.