How to Be an Actually Good Wingman

Movies, especially ones involving Seth Rogen, love a good wingman scene. You know the type: A wise, frequent sex-haver gives his less-lucky-in-love friend a handful of very simple tips ("just be yourself, man), sends him off into the world, and then boom! our protagonist is getting laid. Unsurprisingly, movies get it wrong. The characters are often too aggressive, too persistent, or they fundamentally misunderstand the task at hand. Most character-to-character advice either revolves around terrible pick up lines or ways to get women alone with you in situations they don’t want to be in. One of the most common, and certainly the most insulting, tropes of mediocre buddy comedies is the idea that the wingman is meant to “take one for the team” by flirting with or sleeping with a less attractive woman so that his friend can get a chance with the hotter one. The entire plot of Wedding Crashers centers around the idea (not that Isla Fisher isn’t bangin’ hot; her character's just manipulative and boundary-less) that wingmanning is simply staying in bad situations so your friend can get laid. Real life is not like that! As a wingman, you don't need to attempt to manufacture chemistry by listing off your friend’s random allergies in case a hot woman has one in common. What you should do instead is show her and her friends that your bud is a fun (and safe!) person to be around.

While you can technically be deputized as a wingman anywhere, the real arena of wingmen is the bar. (Most other places it’s vaguely creepy to hit on women, especially if you're in a group and she’s alone.) Getting approached at a bar, even if it's not always welcome, is somewhat expected. However, as a reminder, women are not there solely for you to pick up. They’re there because they want to have fun at a bar. If you aren’t augmenting their fun, they’re going to try to get away from you, and you, a considerate and gentlemanly wingman, should not follow them if that happens. Here, instead, are five things you should do:

1. Be subtle.
Much like a stagehand, the adept wingman goes unnoticed. As Shakespeare said, “All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players; They have their exits and their entrances"—all of which are carefully orchestrated by wingmen. Being a wingman is all about knowing when to walk over and talk to someone, when to stay, and when to leave. Basically, it's about vigilantly reading (and re-reading) the room. Which bring us to the basic condition of successful wingmanship: You must be sober enough to read subtle social cues. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen shitfaced drunk guys try to wingman for a friend (who is also usually shitfaced drunk), but I can tell you how many times I’ve seen that pan out for them: zero.

2. Talk to everyone.
The most critical role of the wingman is to be the introducer. You’re the guy who is unafraid to approach a group of people and say hello. You’re the guy who reintroduces yourself just so your friend can learn someone’s name again. You’re opening metaphorical doors for your friend. Again, this should all happen quasi-organically; don’t wait in the corner, scanning the bar, deciding who to try and pester into going home with your buddy Garrett. Just talk to people. Even (and especially) if you’re not trying to fuck them.

3. Know when to walk away.
The moment you sense the people you’re chatting up are uninterested or merely obliging you, make an excuse and walk away. If she’s giving one word answers or dropping hints that she needs to get back to her friends, she’s probably not feeling it. Women are conditioned to be polite, but if she's actually into your friend, she’ll be laughing at his jokes and touching his arm, rather than gripping her drink tightly and covertly signaling to her friends to come rescue her. Honestly, you don’t even need to make up an excuse, just turn to your friend and say, “Hey, let’s go get a drink.” Despite what pick up artists and bad sitcoms have suggested, persistence is not attractive nor an effective way to get someone to sleep with your friend.

4. Don’t just talk up your buddy—present yourself well.
Once you’re actually talking to someone that your friend is interested in, your job isn't over, it’s just morphed. The best thing you can do as a wingman is come off like a cool guy yourself, so that your friend seems equally cool in return. Having nice, considerate friends is hot. That’s a green flag that says, “I could go back to this guy’s house, and he wouldn’t have baby teeth in a jar on the nightstand. He has normal friends, so he’s probably normal, too.” Ask questions, make lots of eye contact (don't look around the room), and don’t interrupt. You don’t need to try lead the conversation anywhere, you just want to keep it fun, and keep everyone included.

Your job ultimately is to complement to your friend’s personality, not overpower it. You and your buddy are having a good time and you’re inviting other people to join in; that’s all. Which, by the way, is a much more appealing proposition if your group actually looks like you're having fun.

5. Make friends with their friends.
This is the best incentive for you guys to all keep hanging out. Everyone’s getting along, everyone’s having fun, why end the night? Once again, it’s about keeping the momentum of the evening going and inviting other people to join in the fun. Your job isn’t to mash two Barbie dolls together to kiss on the mouth, your job is to bring the party… and to know when to Lyft home by yourself when things start getting spicy.