Knowing how some dog-owners are irresponsible about cleaning up after their mutts, I can see how this lady flipped out after stepping in dookie. When I worked for the local City Parks, it was a municipal code that it was a crime for people not to pick up their dogs poop after going in the park. Of course, this law was unenforcable – the cops were too busy, and the Parks administration had deemed it to risky for park workers to approach potentially crazy persons with vicious dogs. So, each morning when I worked in this one particular park doggy toilet, I would see multiple residents of the fine old turn-of-the-century homes that surrounded the park, arriving in turns with Fido on a leash, to take his morning dump. And they never picked it up.

You can’t count on most people to do the right thing because it’s the right thing to do. And you can’t count on the boys in blue to mediate the situation. So who can you count on?

Answer: You can count on spike to leave nauseating pile of crap under the sycamore tree.

Here’s a possible strategy I though up for lashing back at people who leave their dog’s land mines on public or private property.

Naperville police say Miller also took a sign advising apartment residents to clean up after their dogs and placed it, along with green plastic bags used for cleaning up dog waste, on the same neighbor’s patio.

When police arrived at the apartment in answer to a complaint, they found Miller chasing a cat through the complex.

She yelled at the officers, asking if they “were there about the (neighbor) with dog poop,” the police report said.

Police arrested Miller — after she caught up with her roommate’s cat, the report said.

SANFORD, Fla., Nov. 17 (UPI) — Police in Florida said a high school principal received a profane letter in an envelope smeared with feces.

Sanford police Sgt. David Morgenstern said a Seminole High School employee was putting the 6-inch-by-8-inch envelope into Principal Mike Gaudreau’s mailbox when she noticed the foul smell, the Orlando (Fla.) Sentinel reported Wednesday.

Police said the worker and three or four other school employees who touched the envelope while trying to determine the cause of the odor were placed in quarantine until the Seminole County Fire Department’s Hazardous Materials team identified the substance as excrement.

“We were concerned at first,” Morgenstern said. “You could mask some sort of chemical. We wanted to make sure all the faculty and students were safe.”

Morgenstern said the envelope contained a letter with “colorful language talking about the high school principal.”

The spokesman said police were investigating and the person behind the letter could face a charge of disrupting a school function.

“There are no real charges for sending a poopy letter,” Morgenstern said.

The following comes to us via Lisa, in reply to “Bill To Ban B.O….Fails.” I think you will agree that it’s a pretty clear-cut case of when someone should be barred from riding public transit.

From The Northern Light Police Report, Whatcom County, WA (some of the best reading in newspapers these days BTW)

August 28: A Whatcom Transit driver had to call police to intercede with an angry customer at a downtown bus stop. The customer was denied boarding because he was carrying a smelly, large plastic bag leaking fluid. He took offense at this, argued with the driver and then stood in the street to block the bus. The man explained to arriving officers that the bag contained fresh crab, and the leaking material was just seawater and crab juice. He was advised of the bus driver’s rights and responsibilities, and that blocking a vehicle constituted criminal disorderly conduct. Ultimately, the crabber decided to find alternative transportation and the driver departed on his seafood free bus route.

Mister Crabs is clearly at fault, here. Crab juice and seawater dripping all over the interior of the bus? That would REEK, long after Mr. Crabs was gone.

HONOLULU — The proposal to bar smelly people from Honolulu buses turned out to be a stinker.

The Honolulu City Council had considered making it illegal to have “odors that unreasonably disturb others or interfere with their use of the transit system.” Anyone convicted of being too smelly could have been fined up to $500 and/or given a six-month jail term….

Okay. I don’t enjoy the stench of another’s body odor anymore than the next person. But it is well that this idea of fining or jailing smelly people got flushed in council. It is just too problematic to even consider. And it failed for all the right reasons: “stench” is far too subjective a factor for such a law to be just.

Nevertheless, two of the original sponsors have plans to revive a modified version of the bill at some point in the future. Perhaps they will establish a branch of law enforcement known as the Stench Squad, or the Stench Police, who will sit in the back of the bus with high tech devices that measure the nature and intensity of body odors. Plain clothes “Stink Marshals,” patterned after Sky Marshals might also be employed.

Underarm odor: $100-$500 fine depending on intensity as measured by the stinkometer.

Generalized body odor: $100-$500 fine depending on intensity as measured by the stinkometer.

Urine: Same as above.

Ass:$500 fine and one month’s suspension from using the bus. However, crapping one’s pants would result in permanent expulsion from the transit system and up to a year in prison, except in instances where medical causes are confirmed in writing by a physician.

Babies would be exempt, but it would be forbidden to change them on the bus. Parents might still be fined if it were determined that they were feeding the kid a bad diet.

Farts could be handled on a case-by-case, taking intensity, intention, age and other factors into account. In the case of the ubiquitous “slider,” the “silent but deadly” air biscuit, the culprit could be isolated by determining airflow, and the order in which various bus patrons smelt it, or fart-sniffing dogs could be used to isolate residual butt-gas in the culprit’s pants.
——-The Stench Police sit in the back of the bus
The Stench Police are coming to arrest us….
(to the tune of “Dream Police,” by Cheap Trick)

An endless stream of Cup O’ Noodles, microwaveable dinners, stale coffee, etc. : let them make for a stinky workspace no longer. Now AromaUSB™ will bring the pleasing fragrances of lemongrass, lavender, or orange to your office. A cybernetic version of those Glade® plug-ins, I guess.

AromaUSB is simply a fragrance diffuser: there’s no drive on the stick. If you want aromatherapy plus flash storage, head on over to scent-drive.com.

Now all we need is a USB drive that smells like frying bacon, for that early morning ambiance.

Dutch Boy® Paint Co. is having a contest to promote their Refresh™ brand paint – a paint that not only brightens the room, but also kills odor (purportedly). People send in pictures of the ugliest, stinkiest room in their houses, and site visitors have the opportunity to view the rooms and vote on which ones look stinkiest. The prizes for the three ugliest, stinkiest rooms are:

This sort of thing would never fly in the United States, where we jealously guard our right to be smelly. I do believe I have a solution for the Brits, however, that will save them from having to post signs, codify the “no raised arms on the coaster” rule, and escort non-compliant individuals off the premises with all the attendant embarassment and hard feelings such militancy doubtless engenders. My solution is quite simple and inexpensive. It’s called:

Yes, indeed, quite a few years ago someone came up with an invention. An inexpensive preparation sold at most retail outlets, called “Underarm Antiperspirant/Deodorant.” I have found it to be most effective. For example, I am attending the county fair tomorrow. It will be a hot day, and like most of the men in my family, I tend to perspire heavily. However, I will shower in the morning before I leave, and after the shower, I will apply this miraculous preparation to my underarms, and I positively GUARANTEE, my furry pits will be a sweet as a spring meadow come nightfall.

Y’all across the pond need to get yer heads on straight. No wonder Noel Coward wrote the lines, “Only mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the noonday sun….”