Friday, August 31, 2007

I struggle with being flawed today. It scares me to the core of who I am. I think at times that if some people knew the real me that they wouldn't want to know me anymore. It's crazy because Jesus knows the real me and he loves me unconditionally. I struggle with this today in a huge way. I struggle with wanting to be real with those I love the most...but hold back due to fear. What would they say? Would they turn away? My heart really aches about this.

I like to appear confident...but I'm not. I like to appear all together...but I'm not. I like to appear I never gossip...but I do. I like to appear that I don't lie...but I have. I like to appear that I'm a great mom....but I not. I like to appear I'm a great wife...but I'm not. I like to appear that I have no complaints...but I do. I like to appear that I am happy all the time...but I'm not. I like to appear....well...things that I'm just not.

Sounds like a sickness to me. But it's not. It's being human. It's being real. My heart hurts heavily today for the things I long to be in life and fail at so miserably.

I know I'm successful. I know I'm strong. I know I'm an awesome person. I know I'm a child of God and He loves me and all else doesn't matter.

Why is it that I find myself convicted at times like this. My world is not crashing! My world is fine. It's an emotional fine....but it's fine.

I think God likes to give me a good nudge in the heart every now and then. I have a little cry fest and then I'm better. He puts me back into reality when I start pretending that my world is something that it's not supposed to be.

When people look at me, I want them to see the real me. I want them to know me. If it's good or bad then that's what it is.

One of my patients recently was an elderly nun. At first, I was really reluctant about everything I said in her presence. I did not want to offend her in any way. WHY????? Shouldn't I be like that with everyone? I was disturbed the rest of the day by my attitude and actions. Why would I be a certain way with one...and then different with another. And with a nun, I really didn't want to go wrong. It's just be being crazy and God giving me that nudge again getting my attention.

My heart has drifted. I'm not who I want to be. I'm working on a better me that others will be so pleased to see. A new me that I can love much more than I ever thought.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

1 year, 1 month, and 14 days ago I sacrificed my Sunday mornings at church so that I could pursue my career at St. Francis. I feel I have done my duty. But one problem, I've gotten use to the money that I am making now and I think I like it.

Things happen when you start to store up these treasures on earth. God really seems to put you in your place. He weighs heavily on my heart.

In talking it over with Chad today, I really am ready to make a change in my status at work. I'm ready to become just an "on call" employee rather than making a weekly salary. The loss of money would mean a cut back of things at home and more hours at work for Chad.

Cable would be completely gone, Cell phone would be taken to a minimum, Internet service would have to change, just basic stuff like that. Honestly, it doesn't sound that bad to me. I like it for my kids, but maybe my kids need a change too. Maybe they need to learn at a young age the price of sacrifice.

I think God makes me okay with these things because He knows I long to come back and worship Him with the church. I miss it terribly.

If you read this, please pray that God tells me when the right time to do this is. I have a time frame that I would like it done, but I want to follow His plan.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

I was asked to write an editorial and I'm not quite sure yet if i am going to do it. I was also asked to be interviewed for television and have considered that. Here's the deal....

Saturday I was watching the news as they were talking about schools being on the need to improve list and this is why. This is taken from the Tulsa World.

The federal No Child Left Behind Act requires schools to make "adequate yearly progress," or AYP, in reading and math test scores, the number of students who take standardized tests and attendance or graduation rates.

If schools do not make AYP for two consecutive years, they are named to the Oklahoma School Improvement List. Likewise, it takes two consecutive years of making AYP for a school to be removed from the list.

Because schools are expected to have 100 percent of students demonstrating proficiency in reading and math by 2013-14, Oklahoma is incrementally raising minimum requirements for schools to meet in those two categories.

A principal in a school district here (not TPS) said that the reason these scores are low is because of the Special Education children. Here is the quote without the name....officials said this school did not make AYP in test scores for special-education students in 2006-07, as well as reading scores for English Language Learners in 2005-06.

Now for the soap box...As a mother of a child in special education, I find this comment offensive. If you don't want the special ed children to bring your scores down, then don't give them a test that is designed for them to fail. They can't think on the same level, so they will fail. Some need it given orally, but that is forbidden, so they will fail. Some need it in smaller portions, but that's is forbidden, so they will fail. Some of these children can't read, write, walk, or talk, and they still have to take it so again, they will fail.

If you're going to blame the problem on someone, don't blame it on the children that you never gave a chance. Giving them a chance would be giving them something to see if they have improved on THEIR level.

Ian has improved so much over the past year. In one year, he went from a 4th grade level all the way to a 6th grade level. How is that for improving? Do they look at that? No. Do they test them for that? No. In this short amount of time, he has been able to leave a special ed classroom and participate in a regular class with the 6th grade curriculum. No special classes and no special privileges. How is that for improvement?

So why blame the ones that can't help it. If you want a real assessment, then make a real test and testing procedure. This NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND leaves so many children behind and scolds the teachers and schools for things that are beyond their control.

I understand what the principal was trying to say. But don't go on public television and degrade the special education students because you are not willing to go to the government to fight and make this change.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

That is such a great, simple, yet complex statement. I'm not real good at it, and I want to be better. Encouraging others is so much fun. I love to see eyes light up when someone knows that someone else believes in them.

I have struggled with this all my life. I don't take compliments very well, I haven't always liked encouragement, and quite frankly, when I needed it the most, I really pushed it away.

Well...that is stopping today.

I think in order for me to be a great encourager, I have to be willing to accept ecouraging words about myself. This is just nonsense. I lived an entire life rejecting what others had to say about me which was nice. I chose to believe the bad and not the good.

At what point in my life did God ever tell me I was bad at anything? Never! At what point in my life did God ever tell me to give up? Never! He has always believed in me and has never let me down but everytime I say a negative comment about myself, I feel I let Him down.

I want to encourage as many people as possible in my lifetime. I want people to believe in God and believe in themselves.

I pray that God will help me to be aware of my thoughts and aware of my tongue and to help me work on being the great encourager he wants me to be.

Monday, August 20, 2007

It was the first day back to school for everyone. Including me. And you'll want to read to the end of this!

First my first day or week we should say. I have 2 online courses and 2 on campus. Of course, can't be just one campus...one is SOUTHEAST and the other is METRO! Yikes! Another first for me is that one of my classes is at night. That's a little weird being downtown late. But it's not too late. I don't really like the class because it's LOTS OF MATH! Ugh. Any tutors out there...feel free to come my direction. I started my 2 online classes this morning. They were okay but seemed a bit overwhelming. My last class is a fun one...vocal music and it's Thursday. I'm excited for it...but nervous too.

Beginning with the youngest....Emilie started 2nd grade today. She did very well. She loved it and said "Mom...this is SOOOO easy". The teacher said that she might make Emilie her helper in class. I think that is a huge compliment. However, there are some days I don't think we need to boost her ego anymore. She's already a little DIVA!

Lukus began 4th grade today and thinks he is top dawg!!! He loves his teacher and said she was so much fun and made him laugh all day. I think he will really enjoy her class. He was excited because this teacher will let you chew gum in her classroom.

Ian...oh boy! Ian. He started his first year of MIDDLE SCHOOL. I don't know who was more nervous...me or him! GOOD NEWS....HE HAD A FABULOUS DAY!!!! This is always good news, but it's even better news to say that he is NOT in any special education classes. He is in regular classes, with regular cirriculum, and regular rules. No special treatment and he did well. I was a bit nervous knowing he would have to get all over this school all day and he only had 5 minutes between classes. He was given an additional 5 minutes in case he would need it but he threw it away. When he got home, I asked him what happened to it and he said "I didn't want it. I was able to get everywhere ontime and had no problems" He was SOOOOO proud and so was I.

My tummy was in knots all day and it was not even necessary.

I praise God so much for all He has done. I know today was just the first day but I don't underestimate our God. He can help us get through this entire year! Just like He did today!

Friday, August 17, 2007

So to get rid of the picture of Chucky (for Shane) I now have yet another story. This one is not quite so funny. My son is lucky to be alive today.

About 12:30 last night I woke up to a noise and 2 screaming boys running into our room. Lukus isn't saying anything but looks frightened and his heart is nearly beating out of his chest. I couldn't figure out what had happened.

Ian tells me that Lukus was laying on the floor and for some unknown reason, he was CHEWING...YES CHEWING...on the cord that is attached to the fan that is plugged into the wall and RUNNING!

Well, when his mouth hit the wire, he was electrocuted. Lukus describes it as seeing all blue bright lights in front of his face and that the feeling went all through his body.

When I checked him out, he appears fine. He has a black mark on the inside of his cheek from the burn but other than that, he's okay.

My kids don't go to bed hungry so I can't figure out for the life of me why he would do this but I can assure you he will never do it again.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Tonight Chad and I decided to go to bed early. Everyone went upstairs and the kids were all hanging out in Ian's room watching TV. So we went onto bed.

As we're laying here watching the end of a show, all of the sudden, out of no where, Lukus pops up on my side of the bed with the total intent to scare me. He made a noise with his voice that sounded like something out of the movie SIGNS! I swear I had just seen Chucky rise up beside my bed.

I didn't scream, but I jumped pretty high off the bed. I didn't know if I should deck him, yell at him or laugh. So I did what the normal parent does. I pretended to be angry and told him to go to his room. After that, I laughed hysterically for the past 45 minutes. So much that I even have a nose bleed, chest pain, lots of tears, and ear pain. I think I busted some blood vessels laughing so hard.

Now...even though...this IS NOT funny for a mommy...it really was pretty funny. I never let Lukus know I was laughing, but Chad and I had a great laugh tonight. I am SURE....just totally SURE that this is one of those stories Lukus will share when we are older..."Hey...remember when I scared mom?"

I've decided that the devil is really trying my patience level this week. Things have not worked out as I would have like them to. And in reality, I've stayed pretty calm. Much more than usual. I'm just rolling with the punches. And that's how it has felt...like I've been punched.

My financial aid for school is not being sent until school starts. That kinda makes it hard for me to go to class with books. I am praying the professors have patience.

Ian's schedule is not ready at his new school. I understand they are having to make modifcations to it to best suit him so it's taking longer than normal.

Back to school night is tomorrow night....FOR ALL THREE KIDS. That means I have to be split between two different schools. I want to be there to meet all my kids teachers, but that's just not going to happen. Chad will go to one, and I will go to the other.

I went to purchase some new uniforms from work and I won't be able to get them until next week because the store is so behind on putting on the logos.

There are just so many more things and I have found myself at a crossroads in my life where I have to prioritize what it is that I really want to do. I have to give up some things that I love in order to accomodate our daily schedules. I'm okay with it. As long as my heart is not comprmised in all of this, then I should be okay. I think that God is working in my heart to make me okay with these new changes.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

One of the things I love most in life is watching the sunrise. I always laugh when others tell me they love to sleep in...and I just can't. I love to be up when the sun comes up. I think it is one of the most fascinating things in the world as well as beautiful. This is where I find inner peace.

Life is so busy. We're so caught up in lifes events that we forget about those quiet times. When we forget about what is really important and our quiet time slips away, we will find ourselves caught up in complaining, frustration, and negativity.

Here's seven things you can do: Exchange your weakness for His strength.Your unhappy heart for His joy.Your annoyance with His love.Your anxiety with His peace.Your impatience for His patience.Your complaining for His contentment.Your harsh attitude for His gentleness.

What can you exchange in your life so that God can take control once again?

Thursday, August 09, 2007

I read an article recently that named 100 most inspiring people that have changed the world. We're talking all the way back to George Washington. I guess it's all a matter of opinion. I didn't know all the people on the list but I know they did something to get on there. And all these people are dead. Do you have to be dead to make it on a list? I sure don't think so. I wondered if I was on any ones list...and of course I am. I know I could name 100 people, but you might not want to read all those....so here's my readers digest version of people who inspire me...in no particular order.

My patients who show me how they fight to live. They beat the odds. I am truly in awe each day.

The lady who I talked to on the corner. No food, no money, and she had lots of pride. But she swallowed it to hold a cardboard sign.

Chad Hughes: For your willingness to fight for your identity Ian Hughes: For NOT CARING what others think about you. Lukus Hughes: For CARING what others think about you. Emilie Hughes: For showing me how to be fun. Theresa Underwood: For standing up for what you believe in, even if others don't agree. Carrie Strickland: For keeping it real and teaching me how to shop Tisha Brown: For loving me regardless of anything over the past 17 years! For teaching me how a family should love each other and being a great example. Kaye Rucker: For showing me how to be strong in my spirit and let the Lord guide me. Terry Rush: For being an unbelievable man of God. For showing me how to branch out of my shell and be Jesus to all people.Shane Coffman: For being a man of confidence. For teaching me how to step out of my comfort zone and stretching me even when I feel I'm not ready. That's what our Father does to us and you show His love by practicing what he teaches. And for trusting me! My Professor's: There are a few who have inspired me beyond belief to keep going and succeed.

I have about a million more I could post, but then the blog would be way too long. When I am down...all I have to do is stop and think of the people in my life that inspire me daily. Normally, I will call them, e-mail, text, or go see them if I need a pick-me-up. Guess that's a little selfish...but I feel like I am the luckiest person on earth to have the friends I do. I may not be the best friend in the world, but you combine everyone that I have...and I have some great examples to live by.

I don't ever know how I came to be so blessed in my life....but I am. I guess I did something right.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

I don't know how many people read my blog but I would love to know who makes you smile each day. What is it about them that makes you want to be around them? What is it about them that makes you feel good?

This is an unbelieveable girl! We took care of her at the hospital for several weeks and now this weekend, she will be able to walk down the asile and marry the man of her dreams. Again...this is why we do what we do! The families of Paige Dianne White and Jason Robert Heller are pleased to announce their upcoming wedding.

Paige is a graduate of Eagle Point Christian Academy and Tulsa Technology Center. She attends Tulsa Community College and is employed at Eagle Point Christian Academy as a teaching assistant.

Jason graduated from Catoosa High School and Tulsa Technology Center, and is a paramedic for MESTA.

They are both members of Pickett Prairie Baptist Church in Sapulpa where the ceremony will take place on August 11 with the Rev. Bill Oldham officiating. A reception will follow at Ovations Studio in Sapulpa.

After a serious auto accident in June, the couple is grateful to God for allowing their wedding plans to be fulfilled and would like to extend their thanks to all those who have been a part in Paige's recovery including their family and friends, their church, and everyone from the Tulsa Fire Department, EMSA and Saint Francis Hospital who took such good care of her.

Monday, August 06, 2007

Saturday, August 04, 2007

Okay, so we got home from camp yesterday and I had to be back at work early today for such a long day.

You know how you feel after a long hard day? I mean... A LONG DAY! Well, I was coming home and an ambulance passed me. Little did I know they were pulling into my neighborhood. I get here to find my nice little neighbor across the street had fallen and couldn't get up. I went over to see if I could help in any way.

About 3 years ago her husband passed away and she's been alone ever since. We have other neighbors here, but they are about as old as she is and don't like to be out after dark. She didn't have any family in town so I decided to go back to the hospital with her so she wouldn't be alone. Now here I sit...running on adrenaline, and can't go to sleep and have to leave in 6 hours to go back to work to take on another full day.

I sat with her...we laughed together, we cried together, and I did what I could to ease her pain. Do I care that I'll be tired tomorrow? Not really. Do I care that my feet hurt? Nope. Do I care that she was comforted by me being there, yes.

She broke her hip...a pretty good break. And will now have surgery. I can see her at work now, not out the front windows. But her smile and stories we shared tonight will remain in my heart.

Friday, August 03, 2007

We just returned this afternoon from a week of camp with the elementary kids. I would say that a majority of these 75 kiddos were the age of 8!!!! That is the youngest camp ever so far. But by far it was one of the funnest!!!!

The week started out with rain. For 2 days it rained. Not all the time, but enough for us to have to change our schedules. It was nice though because it wasn't so hot!!! Until Thursday and Friday. Whew! We were hot!

I'm not much of a kid "teacher" type of person but I sure love going to camp each year with the kids. They teach me so much about myself, about them, and about God. Kids...they get it. Sometimes more than we do.

The week of camp is one that is filled with so much excitement and energy. We get up at 6:30am and go to bed after midnight. I couldn't even begin to tell you what part is my favorite. I think getting to watch the kids from the different churches interact together and become friends. Sometimes we are so limited as children on where we go to church that we don't get the opportunity to interact with other churches. It's so cool to combine the camp and see them make new friends and branch out. There is no talk of "I go here or there" they are all just happy to be together. It's sad to see them have to part ways at the end of the week.

I was so proud of Lukus this week. He has grown so much and come out of his shell. All the kids are awared with camp nicknames on Friday and Lukus got "Praying Mantus". He got this because anytime they asked for a volunteer to pray, Lukus would volunteer. He led several prayers which is really hard for some kids to do in front of their peers. I'm so proud of him and how much he has grown up.

I'm proud of all the kids. New ones and old ones. They did such a great job. I just can't say enough about it.

But I will say...I'm SOOOOO glad to be home. There's no place like home.