I feel like a lot has happened in the past few days. I’ve seen my mother’s true colours and I’m still confused about dude.

My cousin tried to kill himself… failed, thank goodness. He had sent a message to a few people on Blackberry Messenger. It said something along the lines of “I Love you, you won’t hear from me anymore, you’ll know why soon” Me being a normal human being worried. Told my mom when she got home from work. Her reply “Did he send me the message?”. Basically saying “He didn’t say anything to me, so why should I care”, then went on to cooking her supper. I confronted her about it today, her excuse, she was hungry. Then tried to defend herself by asking what could she have done. My cousin doesn’t live in the same country, but he has family where he is. She could have contacted someone to go over to him before he did anything stupid. I’m just glad and grateful that he’s still alive. I hope he can sort things out with himself. I’ve tried talking to him but he stopped replying me. He’s in the hospital now. Police are somehow involved. I don’t know how the whole attemptive suicide thing works. He didn’t seem to care that I cared. My sister says that what he did was a cry for help and that he wasn’t crying out to us. He wants attention from someone, but who? I have no idea. I don’t want to but I guess I should just leave it alone… I wouldn’t know what to do anyways. I hate conversing with people, so I wouldn’t know what to tell him anyways. No excuse I know, but I’ve already tried.

I never understood suicide. Okay, with depressed people I understand it’s some sort of chemical imbalance, but other people, and I don’t mean the accidental ones, I’m talking about the ones that do it for attention. As if they’ll be around to see the attention they get from it. If you’re not happy with your life, CHANGE SOMETHING. I know I’m one to talk, but I’m not suicidal. I’ve been unhappy for most of my life, but it’s never gotten that low. Also, possibly living with Aspergers and Dyslexia kind of explained why things are/were for most of my life. I know I’m not “normal”. I’ve always known that. Now I know why.

Onto something else now. My male BFF. I’m going to keep this short. I know I should say something. But I don’t want to ruin our friendship. If he gets a girlfriend I’ll be upset. I don’t want to lose him as a friend though. Sometimes I think he likes me, other times he’s saying I should be with other people and handing his phone to random people without me saying yes I’ll talk to them while we’re on the phone. I don’t like strangers. I need to get diagnosed quickly so I can officially say whats wrong with me and maybe he won’t be so hard on me. Yet for some reason I still like him. Anyways, I don’t want to lose out on our friendship and thats why I refuse to say anything. If we’re just going to stay friends forever, fine. But please, let me find someone, because these feelings are pissing me off. Can’t I just have them for someone else who feels the same way?