Top Five Ways to Awkwardly Thank a Veteran

Today is Veteran’s Day, which means our United States servicemen and -women welcome your awkward social advances. If you spot a veteran here at home or in a far flung locale, here are five ways to make things embarrassing for everyone.

1. Take Cell Phone Pictures of their Kids in Public
Remember, the children of veterans are our servicemen and -women of tomorrow. Take pictures of those kids so that you can remember them for thanking years down the road. Veterans will be so pleased!

2. Salute As Much As Possible
You may have heard that it is rude for civilians to salute, or when they do they appear to be trying to drunkenly swat a bee. Let neither of these trouble you on veteran’s day. You can cover up any technical issues you may have with the gesture by doing it more, as fast as you can.

3. Do ask, do tell
Veterans love a good chin wag. If you are facing any personal challenges in your life, no matter how mundane they may be, tell a veteran about them. If they turn to leave, don’t let this deter you. Keep talking and add volume.

4. Flashing
Nothing shows a veteran that their service means everything to you quite like displaying your most vulnerable body parts to them. Keep in mind that this is not a sexual exchange, so it doesn’t matter your gender or sexual orientation. It only matters that you take the time to say “Thanks.”

5. Pay It Backward
Veterans make great money and have strong pensions. For this reason they appreciate continuing their service to our great country by occasionally picking up a grocery store or bar tab for a civilian. Just wiggle your eyebrows at them, point to the total you are expected to pay and say “How ’bout it? For America?”

Editor In Chief, Founder, and Admiral of Smugness at The Atlanta Banana, Jim Hodgson has an ass for news. Follow him on twitter at @jimhodgson
He is the author of the hilarious Science Fiction novel Dangerous Dan, available now on Amazon in Kindle and Paperback.