Phone Apps are Becoming Television

In a confused and desperate attempt to draw millennials back to network TV, executives have begun launching new programs based on your favorite phone Apps! You might say it’s App-le TV!

Jimmy it’s your Grandma! I just watched the Candy Crush! He’s so handsome, I love you no matter what Jimmy! Jimmy! Candy Crush! I’m calling you on Uphone!

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Will you swipe right on Beat Shazam? Look it’s the basketball man who we later learned was both a genie and superhero! It’s on Fox so you know it will be good, like Gotham! Here comes 8 seasons of Beat Shazam! Jimmy they keep beating him but all he does is laugh, thank God he’s on our side Jimmy!

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Bloons! The popular tower defense game is getting upgraded to VR (Very Real). Contestants sit in towers and shoot at balloon people that are trying to solve a maze. This one’s strictly Japan for now but look for an American adaptation soon! The balloon-men terrify me Jimmy; I have nightmares all night long and sometimes I see them during the day when I’m alone. Please Jimmy lets watch something relaxing like the Law and Order channel.

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Oh! The Fruit Ninja, This time he’s American so I can support that. I’m glad to see the Ninja jobs coming back to America. I do like fruit but the spikey one with the wallpaper on it hurts my teeth. JIMMY! THE AMERICAN FRUIT NINJA IS ON! ON THE TV! JIMMY IS IT OK TO SAY FRUIT AGAIN? YOU KNOW I CAN NEVER KEEP UP WITH THESE THINGS! I LOVE YOU JIMMY!

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Oh TWEETPARTY! I feel like I used to watch this before but they changed the name. I don’t like this Mr. Google. He’s too wacky. I miss that smug Canadian fellow. I don’t understand the premise, people “tweet” in questions and you have to scream your answer in the form of a “hashtag”? I don’t like how the buzzer sounds like the emergency alert, and I don’t like how they canceled this show but it kept broadcasting even though they tried to shut it off and now they’re saying it can’t be stopped and they don’t understand what went wrong. I feel like I missed an episode. What was wrong with the old show?

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JIMMY IT’S THE MINDCRAFT! LIKE ON THE BIRTHDAY T-SHIRT I GOT YOU! Oh my! Can they show that on TV? Look it’s Johnny Depp, you look so much like the Johnny Depp Jimmy! And it’s the girl from the disney shows who used to sing those nice country songs. Oh no! What is that? Look out! JIMMY CAMELS ARE EXPLODING! THEY JUST KILLED THE CELEBRITY MINDCRAFTERS JIMMY! THERE WAS A CAMEL SNAKE AND IT EXPLODED!

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It’s that damn pokeymon show everyone’s always watching on their phones. I’m sorry but it just makes me mad, they are the reason I can’t drive anymore! It’s not my fault if you don’t watch where you’re going when you cross the road. Oh that pokeymon’s cute! And look at that one! I see why kids like this. And there’s bowling! I think I’m going to like this one Jimmy.