Planters

Purchased Price: $1.99Size: 6 oz.Purchased at: SafewayRating: 7 out of 10Pros: Peanuts are well coated in cocoa powder and stays on the peanuts. Mild cocoa flavor reminds me of hot cocoa powder. Smells like a Butterfinger. Honey and salt on peanuts also help give them a nice sweet and salty flavor. If your taste buds love the one-two punch of chocolate and peanut butter, they will like these. These will get me to eat more peanuts.Cons: Comes in small six-ounce container, which is half the size of Planters standard cardboard containers. Occasionally, they’re a little too salty. Cleaning the cocoa powder on fingers is a mostly salty experience. If having too many sweeteners bother you, there are four in the ingredients list: sugar, honey, corn syrup, and fructose.

A bowl of peanuts on your table is like a glorified piece of decoration, much like tacky wax fruit. It’s saying to us at a party, “Hey I sorta exist too!” as it sits amongst the bowls of potato chips and Chex mixes. They are similar to a forgotten acquaintance you met at a seminar where the relationship went as far as “…remember how drunk we were last night? Awesomesauce.”

I even think my gin martini narrows its eyes and dismisses the bowl of peanuts at the worn bar counter. Its pseudo-Asian cousin, wasabi peas, has taken their place at many watering holes. Peanuts just can’t catch a break.

The point is, I never crave peanuts, pay attention to peanuts, or think about peanuts. They are just “there” like some existential failed puzzle from Myst or a useless +1 cracked sash from Diablo I/II/III (no one counts Hellfire).

However, if Planters had their way they would want someone like me to stand up and notice more than Mr. Peanut’s cool monocle. Planters’ idea is to give all of us more than just the ubiquitous honey roasted variety by granting us a roasted onion and garlic variety. Yay! Planters Roasted Onion and Garlic Dry Roasted Peanuts have finally been conceived in this millennium.

I can’t think of two more common ingredients guaranteed to inject its flavors on whatever it can get its hands on. The flavors just sound complimentary. When you see garlic or onion, you know it’s not going to be subtle. They will come in, kick your chair from under you, hit on your sister, and urinate on the carpet before saying “eff-off” as they slam the door in your face.

…And with both bold flavors together, I was ready for a They Live-style street fight in my mouth combined with the piles of bodies riddled-with-bullets-climax from John Woo’s Hard Boiled.

But no, Jeff.

Instead, I got a complete collection of each crying scene from every Nicholas Sparks movie made. I was as sad as Stephen Rea’s character at the end of The Crying Game.

Upon ripping that tedious foil cap, I knew I was in for a mediocre ride to limbo. I could barely smell the onion and garlic, only the roasted peanuts. Hell, the local law enforcement drug dogs probably couldn’t pick up anything but boring old peanuts.

Like a slob, I grabbed a handful and shoveled them into my mouth. Initially, all I could taste was the ghost of scallions before the familiar heavy roast of peanuts plopped down and snuffed it out. There was a strange and unpleasant hint of grass or lawn clippings as well, but that tapered off immediately. It was even more unusual that subsequent mouthfuls lacked any garlic or onion taste at all. Now, the creaminess of the peanuts was still a nice capper but I realized this is probably the only onion and garlic flavored item that actually gets weaker with each bite.

I was annoyed the flavor was barely there. I think people vaporized from a mushroom cloud or a Kaiju attack would make more of an impression. It’s like the impact of shouting some “diss jokes” at a grizzly bear you’re about to fight.

These peanuts were not only disappointing but have created a paradox. If your intent is to get drunk on the onion and garlic flavors, you’re better off eating a spoonful of powdered garlic salt. However, if you like the taste of ordinary roasted peanuts and all that’s left on the shelf are these, then you can’t go wrong.

Planters peanuts are of good quality and that creamy texture the peanuts bring will satisfy most. There is also just the right amount of salt, which is nice. Yet, with the promise of onions and garlic not being honored, it’s no different than when the person you’ve been lusting after says, “I like you as a friend.”

Also, to see if anyone calls the phone number on the bottle to ask what little men with pointy ears have to do with this peanut butter.

If Elvis was alive today, I think he might enjoy this peanut butter mixture that includes dried bananas, granola, and peanuts. And for those of you Weekly World News readers who think he’s still alive and living in a cabin in Montana under the name Sivle Yelserp, I’m sure he’s enjoying this peanut butter mixture with bacon…and sharing it with his aliens buddies from the Archon 7 galaxy.

To be honest, it’s refreshing to see a major company like Planters do something different with peanut butter. If you look at the peanut butter section at the grocery store, it appears not a lot of money has been spent on R&D. It’s just a sea of creamy and chunky. With its peanut chunks, crispy granola, and chewy dried bananas, I guess you could call Planters NUTrition Peanut Butter chuewyspy peanut butter.

Having different textures is one of the reasons why I enjoyed Planters’ NUTrition Energy Mix Banana Granola Nut Peanut Butter. But I also enjoyed it because its flavor made me want to put on a sequined jumpsuit, greasy my hair, gyrate my hips hard enough to be censored on a 1950s talk show, and say with a lip snarl, “Thank you very much.” That would’ve happen, but my Bedazzler is out of commission because I overworked it while attempting to put the word “voluptuous” on the back side of a pair of yoga pants, instead of the much shorter “juicy.”

If you enjoy bananas, I have good news; there’s a little bit of banana flavor in the peanut butter itself. Thankfully, it’s not artificial and it’s not the dominant flavor. I was expecting the added dried banana to be crunchy like banana chips, but was surprised when my molars discovered they were chewy like raisins. As for the granola, well, it’s not really granola. It’s just rice flakes and rice crisps; there aren’t any oats. I’ve eaten enough Nature Valley products to know those two ingredients don’t make granola and I’ve consumed enough Kellogg’s products with cartoon characters on the packaging to know those two ingredients make a breakfast cereal.

With all the mix-ins, you might expect NUTrition Peanut Butter to not be spread-friendly, like chunky peanut butter. But because there wasn’t a dense amount, I found it to be quite spreadable.

Besides not having real granola, another disappointing thing about this peanut butter is that it comes in a 12-ounce jar, which looks dramatically smaller next to the 16- and 18-ounce jars of regular peanut butter. Also, I don’t understand why adding bits of dried banana and rice cereals make the peanut butter an Energy Mix.

It’s as if my mouth has been turned into a portal to Hell and demons and molten lava are bursting out of it. Please make it stop. MAKE IT STOP!

It’s so hot I may never taste again because my taste buds have been destroyed by the heat. Not even ice water can soothe the scalding feeling in my mouth. It feels like I just spent seven minutes in heaven with a fire breathing dragon. IT’S SO HOT! Tell my family that I love them.

The previous words are what I might’ve said if the Planters Five Alarm Chili Dry Roasted Peanuts was five alarm spicy, but I think Planters is being a bit generous by calling it “Five Alarm Chili.” Even if they called it Planters Four Alarm Chili Dry Roasted Peanuts, I’d still think they were overstating how spicy they are.

But then again, me likey the spicy so I may have different standards than other people when it comes to spiciness. Over the years, I’ve eaten a lot of spicy foods and during that time I’ve come up with my own spicy food scale.

One Alarm – Light burn. Quickly dissipates. Water isn’t necessary.

Two Alarm – Mild burn. Lingers a little. Sips of water might be needed.

Three Alarm – Good burn. A little bit of sweating. Large swigs of water necessary. Makes me slightly uncomfortable.

Four Alarm – Really good burn. Face excreting sweat and tears. Glasses of water necessary. Milk would be a better option. A little regret.

Five Alarm – Holy Hell that is hot! Face excreting sweat, tears, and snot. Water won’t help. My mouth screams for ice cream to cool it down. Lots of regret. Praying it’s not as spicy going out as it was going in. Lots of leftovers that may not get eaten due to fear.

If I had to place the Planters Five Alarm Chili Dry Roasted Peanuts somewhere on my spiciness scale, I’d probably consider it to be Two Alarm spicy. However, I’m fine with that because if it were any spicier, the heat might’ve overshadowed the peanut’s flavor, which is quite good.

When I popped one in my mouth it had a pleasant onion and garlic flavor at first and then the chili pepper flavor quickly followed along with the heat. Unfortunately, the flavoring comes in the form of a powdery coating that doesn’t stick well to the peanuts so most of it ends up at the bottom of the bottle.

Even though I scoffed at Planters for calling these slightly spicy peanuts “Five Alarm,” I have to say I enjoyed scoffing them down in handfuls.

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