Friday, November 9, 2012

Love the pancreas your with.

I don't want to overly simplify my feelings towards diabetes. Complicated doesn't even seem to scratch the surface. All I know is that for now...diabetes is staying put. And since that is the case, I will now endeavor to riff off the old Stephen Stills song, "If you can't have the pancreas you love honey, love the pancreas you're with."

I've spent many a year loathing diabetes and its long line of insane protocols. When my third was diagnosed I'm pretty sure I melted into a puddle of tears and bitterness for a good nine months. Looking back, those deep seeded feelings of hatred and helplessness have only brought me three things: Heartache, TMJ from clenching/grinding my teeth, and Carpal Tunnel from writing it all out on my blog. Letting go of the anger isn't easy, in fact, I don't even know if letting it ALL go is possible. But what I do know is coming to terms with this disease, ACCEPTING this disease, loving our life WITH this disease...well that yields things like a better night's sleep, and a more relaxed me.

My children respond to my cues. If they see me worried...they are worried too. If they see me angry and upset...that angers them and upsets them too. Am I walking around the house singing praises to diabetes? Heck no! But am I trying to put it all into perspective? Yes.

I understand that everyone has different perspectives on everything. To one of us 80 is the perfect number, to another 100...to another 150. We all are individuals with minds of our own. In the spirit of New Year resolutions, I'm going to take what I know and mold it into something more beautiful. I challenge you to try too.

I know diabetes is hard.

I also know that enduring hard things molds us into more empathetic human beings.

I know that diabetes hurts.

I also know that the sensation of pure torture I feel when pricking my virgin fingers is completely different than the sensation my boys feel.

I know that diabetes is expensive.

I also know that my boys healthy futures are worth every penny of promising technology I can find.

Perspective.

Fighting diabetes...hating diabetes....it is ok. But letting those things take over is not. Hate is like acid to our body, literally and figuratively. It isn't healthy to live with perpetual sadness and helplessness.

Sometimes I just need to stand up and say, "They are ok! I am Ok! We will survive!"

Saying it out loud is liberating. Believing it is life changing.

We can love our lives with diabetes as a part of it. We can accept our lot in life and find joy in the little things even with diabetes strolling along side. Diabetes will always will be with us...which leads me back to the beginning...

Maybe our lives aren't everything we imagined they would be. But after diagnosis it is possible to imagine a new life. Can't we love that life too? Can't that life be just as amazing as the first? It may be a bit more complicated, but with diabetes in the mix, our victories are sweeter and the good days are triumphs in themselves.

I wonder if in the end, It all comes down to loving the life you're with.

(This is a repost from almost a year ago. I had a few "I hate diabetes" days last week. This week I'm trying hard to find joy in all things...my life...and even diabetes. And PS In the title of my post it is supposed to YOU'RE not YOUR. Love the bad spelling you're with?)

3 comments:

Totally agreed Meri. I spent many, many months after Maddison's dx in that same puddle. Grieving can only last so long until it becomes unhealthy and a burden to you and those around you, especially the kids who have the Diabetes! Finding acceptance and peace with Diabetes is what its all about!!!

Gosh, I could write a whole post of my own on this. Maybe you've inspired me(but whats new in the department?!). I go out of my way to keep a positive "game face" on for Justin; so that he doesn't feel the anger I feel. That in itself it tiring. But this occasionally has me torn. If everything is always peachy... then others wont understand the seriousness of the reality they face. Its a cray cary balance, I guess.

I do have to say that on days when my game face is the most challenging to maintain... the negative nellies DO get to me. Im talking the everyday, day in - day out, my life is a big bowl of awful negativity. Its during that "relapse of anger" that I have to dissapear off FB for a while and stay afloat in own way.

I needed to read this Meri. We've been having crap days here, we had a pump fail...not a site, but the pump. It took days to figure out if it was the site(s!!!), insulin, growth spurt, illness or pump. So...days later we've definitely figured it all out. And to top it off the holidays are already a disaster of guilt laden grumpiness from my every so unloving Mother (sorry if TMI), but it is what it is. So, I'm doing my best to just move and groove with it all, but somedays I just need an extra two minutes to sob in the shower, then enjoy the rest of the day. I wish I were alone in these d frustrations, but am thankful you share your moments with me so that I know I am truly not alone after all. :)

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ABOUT ME

I am the mother to 4 wonderful boys, 3 of which have Type 1 Diabetes. Through this blog I hope to share our ongoing story, to help others see that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Like you, I have muddled through all the emotional phases diabetes has to offer a parent. I know of the worry that sits with you like an old friend, because he is my friend too. I just try not to make him the life of the party. Take the ride with me.

Disclaimer

I can S.W.A.G a meal three tables away. I can guesstimate a bolus in lightning speed. I can check my boys’ blood sugars in the wee hours of the morning, half asleep, with only one eye open. I can do a lot of things…but one thing I can’t do is be your child’s endocrinologist. Everything on this blog works for our family, but might not work for yours. Funny thing diabetes, one size does not fit all. If you see some technique here that you would like to try, call your doctor, use common sense, and remember: I am not a doctor…I’m just a mother of three boys with Type 1 Diabetes. That is it. Mother. Not doctor. Blogger. Not doctor. Friend. Not doctor. All comments will be publicly viewable, but contact information will remain private. Thanks for stopping by! Come again soon!