Music blasts through my car speakers as I subconsciously drive towards my destination. I’ve driven down this road at least a thousand times…I know where it leads and I know who to. My
heart-rate increases as a flutter in my chest appears. My body and mind respond to everything that is you. In at least a thousand miles…the only thing closet to me is you, the only place for me is
you, the only person for me is you. This isn’t a love story, as some of you may wish, so don’t get your hopes up. But it’s a story with a dark foretelling, a strong history and an unforgiving and
unpredictable future. My devious, dark, surreal, deranged nightmare came true…

I’ve tried your phone, tried to beg you to answer and explain to me what’s wrong- why am I here and not where we planned? The fluttering in my chest disappears and is replaced with a sick, gut
wrenching feeling. Like the edges of my heart slowly starting to tear and my mind racing a hundred miles per minute – physically and mentally preparing me for the worst. My mind wanders to the
darkest edges and overthinking takes over, this isn’t the end is it? I ask myself why I would think like that, why that would cross my mind all of a sudden. But I ignored my gut feeling and blamed
it on the overthinking taking over my mind. I get to my destination and I see you sitting in the car, you tell me to get in and I do. A million questions enter my head and I start to ask them, but
I stop – your posture is different, your facial expression somewhat pained and your too calm on the outside. But on the inside, I can practically feel your gut wrenching stomach pain just by
reading your body language. I didn’t realize how easily words can break you, how three simple words can crack your soul, body and mind into two. “it’s about us”. That’s all it took for a river of
tears, a demon of fear and a world of pain. The words spoken after those are too much for me to repeat, I cannot bear to repeat them – some I have not told anyone. As once your words meant
everything to me, they made me happy, brought me to life – now they reek of history, of disappointment, they hurt and they poke holes in my heart – forever branding me with your symbol. Something
inside me broke that day…because when you give someone you’re everything and they don’t give you much in return, how can something within you not break?

But I learned it the hard way, I learned that you either say how you feel and fuck it up or say nothing and let it fuck you up instead. I let things fuck me over, I let the pain in without
letting it out – I kept it inside of me, knowing fully what that would do to me. But did I care? No. I cared too much, I gave all of me and I lost everything – in a matter of seconds, a matter of
three simple words. I let the pain take over, the numbness and I punished myself to feel something, something other than the trail of pain you left behind you – the mess I became because of you. I
didn’t eat properly for weeks, I made myself sick but still I refused to cry, refused to feel the pain of heartache, of a broken heart. Instead I still live with it, with my heart in pieces, no
matter how hard I try to put them back together – they fall apart. I fell into a dark, cold and surrendering hole. A hole where self-doubt, self-anger and disappointment lay. I felt not good
enough, not good enough for you and certainly not good enough to convince you to stay – to fight for me, for us. But I finally realised…you can’t force “it” to be something. You can’t force
consistency, loyalty, or even honesty…You can’t force them to keep their word, or to communicate, or to realize when something special, something good is in front of them.

Even now I can still hear you thinking, “she’s different now. I was too much of an asshole to see how beautiful she really was. Her heart was beautiful, she cared so much about me, and I never
understood why. I never treated her the way she deserves to be treated. Why? Because her love scared me. Her love was so intense. With her I really could have been happy. I almost forgot how
beautiful her smile was. I forgot because she hasn’t smiled lately. She just cries. It is a shame. She wasted so many tears for someone like me”. Even after two months, I still feel
everything.

And I still miss you, but you’ve moved on…you’d be ok without me. But don’t you fucking dare start missing me when im done missing you.