Don't be a fool, read this column

In this week's column, the brand new "Foolie Award" is being invented to recognize the shrewdest marketing techniques being used to coax us into making impulse purchases.

In this week's column, the brand new "Foolie Award" is being invented to recognize the shrewdest marketing techniques being used to coax us into making impulse purchases.

The first Foolie goes to those bags of chips that Doritos, Lays and other brands are sold in.

These plump bags occupy entire aisles at convenience stores, pharmacies and general merchandisers like Kmart.

The bags look as if they're bursting with food but as soon as they're opened and the air quickly escapes, you realize you've just purchased 70 percent nothing and 30 percent chips.

The second Foolie goes to those signs on clearance racks at department stores advertising clothes "From $9.99."

In fact, there are only a couple articles of clothing at this price (usually the XL size), with the vast majority of tags showing prices much higher than $9.99 — which we unfortunately find out only after hunting through all the clothes on the rack.

And then there is the spurious ".99" technique, which tricks us into thinking we're paying a whole dollar less than we really are, because $19.99 seems psychologically closer to 19 than it does to 20.

The third Foolie goes to those brisk-paced radio ads for cars, which aggressively offer dealer incentives, generous rebates, high trade-in values and easy financing.

But suddenly toward the end of the ad, the announcer's voice quickly accelerates into a hyper-frenzied mode that sounds more like caffeinated talk from a space alien than a sales pitch from a human being.

Now the announcer backs into a litany of exceptions disqualifying us from the seemingly great deals unless we make a big deposit or go into the dealer during a narrow time frame — and we don't try to combine discounts.

The final Foolie goes to those "introductory offers" commonly promoted by cable, phone and satellite companies.

This shoddy marketing technique invites us to sign up for a contract guaranteeing an initial subscription rate that is lower than the rate we are currently paying for another service.

But what we don't fully realize is that the rate will drastically increase when the term of the introductory offer expires — while we're still under contract.

Congratulations to this year's Foolie Award winners! These are the best of the best at deceiving us into making regretful purchases.

And now you can be the first to find out next year's award winners by registering for a drawing to win a free cruise to Jamaica.

We'll just need your contact information and credit card number.

Rob McKenzie is a professor of communication studies at East Stroudsburg University.