Revisiting Betty Friedan

Breaking free of feminism's constraints.

This week marks the 50th anniversary of Betty Friedan's The Feminine Mystique, the book that jumpstarted second wave feminism in America. Centered around "the problem that has no name" Friedan's groundbreaking work sold more than three million copies, and it is still considered one of the most influential books of the twentieth century.

What was "the problem that has no name?" It was the lack of fulfillment and the unhappiness of American house wives. But many of us who grew up in the wake of the feminist movement felt cheated somehow. We had Ivy League educations but no inner knowledge. We had careers but no direction. We were raised to get married late or perhaps not at all. We were warned to put off having children "until our careers were set."

Many who grew up in the wake of the feminist movement now feel cheated.

Many of us were skeptical of these 'gifts' of feminism. We, who had been raised on TV dinners, longed for home cooked food. We, who had come home to dark, empty houses, yearned for homes filled with noise and light. We, who had been raised to be independent, wanted connection. And when we delved into Friedan’s ideas in our college courses, we saw them in a different light than our mothers perhaps had.

Is This All?

Friedan famously asked: "Each suburban wife struggles with it alone. As she made the beds, shopped for groceries, matched slipcover material, ate peanut butter sandwiches with her children, chauffeured Cub Scouts and Brownies and lay beside her husband at night – she was afraid to ask herself the silent question – Is this all?" But years of career advancement and glass ceilings broken through have brought us all back to that same question.

Substitute the routines of any job into that quote and we will all – men and women alike – be wondering the same thing at the end of the day. A career does not automatically give life meaning; a family doesn't either. Finding purpose in life takes hard work and focus whether you're working in or out of the home. Many of us felt betrayed by Friedan's promise that we would be fulfilled if we would only leave the 'home making trap' behind us.

And when we didn't feel fulfilled by our jobs, we thought maybe there was something wrong with us. Shouldn't a graduate degree, a well-paying job and an apartment in the city make us happy? So why was there still the question remaining at the end of the day as we sat in silent rooms with no one beside us and still wondered, Is this all? We knew there was more. And we wanted to find it.

What is a Home?

One of the saddest ideas in Friedan's work is her comparison of a home to a prison. By our senior year in college, most of us didn't know how to cook, sew or even do laundry. And we didn't really want to know (though learning how to use a washing machine was inevitable once the laundry service stopped after graduation). But we wanted to build homes. We didn't know what that meant, but we wanted it anyway. The black and white, hard core feminism that we had grown up with was choking us. Of course none of us dreamed of becoming a "house wife," but what about a mother?

Friedan mostly left motherhood out of her book. And perhaps this is why: once children are in the picture, a home can't be treated like a prison. It has to be a haven. It has to become somehow a place of love and safety and joy. And we could no longer afford to be fooled; a home was not merely the sum of its domestic tasks. It was a goal, an ideal, something we knew we could build if we tried hard enough.

There's a brilliant, charming woman I know who was never interested in marriage or children. She had a successful career, a boyfriend and a fascinating list of hobbies. She came up to me at a dinner party while I was holding my firstborn, feeling sleep-deprived, and said to me, "I want to know that I can go skiing in Chile at a moment's notice. And I don't need a man telling me how many hours to work or what kind of apartment to buy. Don't you ever feel like jumping on a plane and going skiing in Chile?"

The truth was that I did sometimes feel like jumping on a plane and going skiing in Chile, but so what? It couldn't compare to the miracle in my arms. Or could it?

Not long after, this woman became very ill. She could no longer keep up with her office hours. She certainly wasn't skiing anywhere and though she had enjoyed many years of flying solo, now she was alone in her apartment. An apartment where everything was set up just right but was suddenly, inexplicably all wrong.

We’re afraid to strive for the goals discouraged by feminism: marriage, children, a home.

What do we really want? We asked ourselves these questions when we first read Friedan years ago, and we are still asking them. The "problem that has no name" today is that we are still afraid to strive for the goals discouraged by Friedan's feminism: marriage, children, a home.

In 2003, The NY Times Magazine ran a cover story called "The Opt Out Revolution" featuring female graduates of Ivy League universities who actually chose to stay home with their babies instead of fast tracking it back into the workplace. These were smart, talented women who thought deeply about what they want out of life, and they wanted more than a corner office.

But why is that called the 'opt out' revolution? Why isn't it 'opting in' – when we use our strengths to build homes and lives that we are proud of? We can and should see our choices as opting in for authentic goals. Breaking free of yesterday's constraints, we can reach the heights of our potentials in and out of our homes.

'Opting in' helps us answer the question: Is this all there is?

The answer is a resolute “No.” There is always more. More love to give. More truth and knowledge to find. More light to shine into our lives and our homes. .

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Sara Debbie Gutfreund received her BA in English from the University of Pennsylvania and her MA in Family Therapy from the University of North Texas. She has taught parenting classes and self-development seminars and provided adolescent counseling. She writes extensively for many online publications and in published anthologies of Jewish women's writing. She and her husband spent 14 wonderful years raising their five children in Israel, and now live in Blue Ridge Estates in Waterbury, Connecticut, where Sara Debbie enjoys skiing and running in her free time.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 46

(27)
Anonymous,
March 7, 2013 1:02 AM

Feminism is Not the enemy

I read the author 's article with interest, but having studied at Neve Yerushalayim in the 1980's after spending much of my undergraduate years immersed in women's studies, I was disappointed to see the same simplistic view of gender issues hashed out once again, and the blame for women's complicated and often excruciating dilemmas placed squarely on the shoulders of feminists. What these women gave us was a clear understanding of the extraordinary limitations to which women's lives were subjected and the vulnerability that was the result of these limitations. Betty Friedan was of my mother's generation and understood the tragic loss of human potential and fulfillment experienced by countless women . Her contribution to half of humanity's quest for equality and justice cannot be underestimated. I am sure that had my mother had the same opportunities in education and professional work that I have had, opportunities directly the result of the feminist revolution she would have been a much happier, more productive human being . I will grant that in the early days of the feminist movement, there was a tendency to buy into the sexist notion that the traditional role of women was of little value, certainly oppressive, and one most women, if they had any sense, would run from as fast as they could. This idea, of course, was born of the fact that for so many women, this role was profoundly limited, and offered few choices for women. Nevertheless, most feminists did come to embrace the idea that family and children are essential to our lives,and then proceeded to work out the difficult task of striking a balance between family and career.The sense that I had when I learned at Neve was that somehow feminism had derailed women, had robbed them of their true "purpose" in life, and I felt then and still feel that this notion is at best off base, and at worst, disingenuous. Feminism is not the enemy; misogyny is, wherever it rears its ugly head.

Haia,
March 18, 2013 8:44 AM

I agree

I agree with you wholeheartedly. Everybody has a different path in life, different set of desires and priorities. having grown up in a hostile environment, I chose to remain alone, and I am very happy being alone. I find peace in my career and childlessness.
for me it is freedom, for some it is selfishness.

Nina Mori,
April 8, 2013 2:51 PM

Snap snap snap

Not sure I could say it better or differently; I agree completely.

Anonymous,
November 28, 2013 1:00 PM

I couldn't have put it better myself!!

Where would we be today without feminism?

(26)
L.S.,
March 6, 2013 12:39 PM

Oh boy, this again!

Listen up, girls: there's a simple, one-way track for ALL women to live their lives. ALL women have ONE path to follow which will bring ALL of us eternal bliss. Just look your best, find a good husband, keep house and...voila! Set for life! All problems solved! College? Well, only if it's for the MRS degree. Graduate school? Waste of time! ALL women are exactly the same which is why ALL women are the most fulfilled when they forgo financial independence, give up adult interaction, and drop all intellectually fulfilling pursuits. Come on, girls--get with the program!
If you couldn't tell, I was being sarcastic. Just as SOME men are happier as lawyers while SOME men are happier as construction workers, it stands to reason that not ALL women are happiest and most fulfilled as homemakers. Some women are indeed happy being at-home moms. Other women are happiest being high powered career women. For most women, the answer is usually a mix of both family life and work life. In today's day and age of telecommuting, skype, at-home businesses, and flexitime hours, in addition to the industrialization of homemaking (gotta love the washing machine!) there has never been a better time to be a woman combining work and family. There have now been 4 decades of research trying to prove that working moms have a negative effect on their children's well being and...sad to say, there is no correlation. There are good stay-at-home mothers and bad stay-at-home mothers and there are good working mothers and bad working mothers. At the end of the day, women--like men--are individuals with unique circumstances. Fortunately, we live in an era where we can chose what life is best for us. Frankly, I am sick and tired of Aish lumping ALL women together in one category espousing that ALL women are one collective entity and that we all have the same needs, because such simplistic thinking is absurd. May G-D grant each of us the sechel to decide what is right for ourselves and our families.

(25)
Anonymous,
March 3, 2013 1:43 AM

What about women who want both a career and a happy family life. I think this article dealt with one of the other. Our generation is not about EITHER being a house wife OR having a family. The question is: how can we find the balance and live a fulfilling life as a wife, mother while finding joy and satisfaction in our careers? We can't do it all. Or as those older and wiser than I once told me, we can't do it all AT ONCE. Something has to give, and it is usually ourselves. This does not end up being good for anyone. The question I'd like to see answered is how did women who are successful in their careers maintain a healthy, happy home life without suffering from the guilt of not giving enough to her children or husband or sacrificing herself and her career?

(24)
Rachel,
February 28, 2013 9:43 PM

Ignoring working class women - as usual

Every comment - and the article, and Friedan's book - are about women in the middle- to upper-middle classes. It would be funny to read all the kvetching about advanced degrees, vacations, and nice homes if it weren't so horrifying that no one is mentioning the simple fact that most women in the workplace are there because the family needs her to work for pay. Although I eventually became a lawyer, I've also been a waitress and a secretary, and believe me, those jobs are a heck of a lot less emotionally satisfying than homemaking! And that brings me to another problem with a too simple view of feminism - it's done nothing to address the fact that real salaries have not risen in decades, but families were cushioned because both spouses were working. Friedan may have thought she was speaking up for women; in reality, she may have done the greatest service for a culture that does not place much value on its workers and therefore two salaries are required to maintain a family when 50 years ago a similar family could have lived on the salary of one.

Amhoretz,
March 2, 2013 7:24 PM

Very good points, Rachel.

And i'd like to add that Freidan's (& other feminists') obsession--that wives must return to the workforce--was a main factor in the drastic decrease in the purchasing power of salaries. Once 3/4 of all housewives had rejoined the labour force, the supply of potential workers increased by 75%. Any student of Economics 101 knows that a rise in the supply of a product produces a drop in its price; the same is true for the supply of workers & the corresponding wages. What a gift femininism has bestowed on corporate America & its obscene profit-making!

Elder,
March 3, 2013 5:49 AM

I agree with Rachel

We can have a great discussion on this and your points are well taken. If we look deeper we'll see that the real problem is materialism and debt. Without those things, women would not be "required" to work in order to maintain a certain lifestyle which is only achievable by acquiring debt. How many lawyers like yourself can buy a car without taking out a loan? Well if you buy a reasonable car, perhaps, but if you buy a typical "I'm a lawyer and should be driving a ____". then the answer is not many. The ideal would be a working spouse and one in the home (preferably the female). Which bring us to the next issue. There many educated women who make considerably more than their husband. What to do? Should the husband stay home with the kids? All I can say about that is that I was raised by my grandfather. He was not able to work and for me , those were the best years of my life.

(23)
Barbara,
February 28, 2013 3:24 PM

Is there a time line?

Amazing article. But I am confused a little: If Betty Friedan is second wave of feminism when was the first wave? And the author grew up in "the wake of the feminist movement" -- When did that wake take place? In the 60s? 70s? 80s? 90s? 00s? Ms. Guttfreund's opening sentence recognizes that there have been several "waves" of feminism. I for example am 61. If I were 5 years younger I could have gotten in to Law School. 10 years younger, Medical school. It all depends.

(22)
Kate,
February 28, 2013 12:32 PM

Choice.

I agree with the author that feminism has taken things too far in the other direction and made a woman's place in the office, rather than the home. I think the key here is choice. I'm grateful that I have more options today because of the women who came before me, but I am also looking forward to the privilege of being a mother and staying at home with my children. Approaching my work and motherhood with the understanding that I am here to give, not take, is what infuses my life with meaning.

(21)
rmr,
February 27, 2013 5:21 PM

Missing the point

I think so many men and women myopically view the importance of the book Feminine Mystique.
It was the beginning of an awareness and awakening in men and women of how women were and still are discriminated against and thereby limited in their choices. We have made progress but there is much work still to be done. Just look at the world-wide epidemic of violence against women, if you have any doubts. If the violence were against any particular group like hispanics, blacks or gays, there would more action and attention given to these horrific hate crimes.

(20)
Sharon,
February 27, 2013 10:30 AM

Individual decision? No way!

Sure everyone is different and everyone has to try and figure out what's best for her. But let's not kid ourselves... most of our decisions are heavily (very heavily!) influenced by the culture we live in. How much do you value family, giving, striving, creating for the common good? How much of your energy should be invested in your own personal welfare? What will your friends, family, husband (if you are fortunate enough - or unfortunate enough to have one) think? Is there a G-d in your picture somewhere? What does He want from you? Do you care what He wants? Or are you the God?
Today's western value system is about Me, Myself and I. What I want is primary. I am the Ultimate Decider. How sad that by the time I discover that I am not the Universe, I just might have wasted a good part of my life.

(19)
Jacob Frnk,
February 27, 2013 5:07 AM

home = prison?

I agree with the author that "once children are in the picture, a home can't be treated like a prison."
Once children are in the picture, a madhouse would be a much better metaphor.

Raphaelle Do Lern Hwei,
February 27, 2013 9:49 AM

Children Can Be Managed

It depends on how we manage our home or madhouse.
I have done both. I have worked as a nurse in a psychiatric ward for 7 months. 3 months as an intern and 4 as qualified enrolled nurse. It is pretty much how we make of it. The ward I worked in as qualified staff was for the aged. Some of my collegues limited themselves to caring for their physical health and cleanliness, seeing that many of them will have to live the remainder of their lives as inpatients. Others organise games for them and taught those who are interested crafts which were eventually sold so that they could help support themselves by buying clothes and toiletries.
Same with little babies. Only that they will have to live outside their current home eventually.

(18)
Betty was wrong,
February 27, 2013 5:07 AM

Betty was wrong

I have an incredible career, and I'm well educated and a NYS attorney. I read this nonsense in college. My truest and deepest happiness in life comes from my husband, my parents, my in-laws and my puppy- someday from my kids. My biggest regret in life this far is not meeting my soul mate earlier and getting married younger to him. Who cares about work? I make money good money to support my family and our joint future. How empty would my life be without that?

(17)
Kaila Lasky,
February 26, 2013 11:01 PM

Excellent article

Thanks for expressing so articulately what many of us feel is so lacking in so called "feminist" ideals. No one, male or female, ever wishes they had spent more time at the office when they come to the end of their lives.

(16)
Anonymous,
February 26, 2013 10:21 PM

What's missing.......

In my opinion, mistakes in planning/deciding how to live one's life as a female, mother/wife/worker/student are made because women/girls live and decide according to the most recent trend or popular choice. What females need to learn is to MAKE UP THEIR OWN MINDS! Women need to learn to THINK FOR THEMSELVES! Living according to what is in style, what everyone else is doing , what is suggested in the latest best-selling book is what is causing the confused,unsatisfactory results. There is no magic formula suitable for everyone. It should be an individual decision designed for that person, by that person!

(15)
Ellen,
February 26, 2013 9:16 PM

no feminism bashing

It has become popular to bash the feminist ideologies lately. But if we engage in such behavior, we underestimate the benefit feminism has given all of us.There were no women in medical school when I was a kid, which meant you couldn't get a woman doctor.
Feminism is about choices. Some of us are happier working in a career, some are happier in the home. The bottom line is for each individual to be able to choose what works best for her. My own mother hated being a stay at home mom, and although she was physically present, she spent most of her time too depressed to function. She really only came into her own when she got a job, which my father saw as a blow to his role as provider. The key is that ONE SIZE DOES NOT FIT ALL.

(14)
Anonymous,
February 26, 2013 8:47 PM

What about the men/ husbands?

I enjoyed this very thoughtful article. I am a man. I read The Feminine Mystic in college in the '60s and loved it. I wanted an independent and equal human as my mate. Your critique of Freidan has merit, but the real issue is choice. A woman no less than a man should live her life according to her choices, not something imposed by ideology be it traditional or feminist or by anything else. I have had a fulfilling career as an attorney but my finest responsibility and achievement has been as a parent. I claim that honor/right as much as any woman. Men owe the feminist movement thanks for men's liberation to be involved parents coequal to moms. Finding the balance between family and work remains a challenge for men and women alike. I am happy that the writer made the choice that was best for her.

(13)
Shannon,
February 26, 2013 8:07 PM

Women's liberation is man's liberation.

I think a lot of women responded to the feminist movement in a misogynist way. Women's liberation does not mean that traditional female roles are bad, and that women should be more like men. Feminism should not be about devaluing the female in favor of the male, and liberation is about following what's best for you and your loved ones, not fulfilling a societally dictated gender role. In this sense women's liberation is men's liberation. It means that if a man wanted to forego a career in favor of being a stay-at-home dad, nobody would laugh at him. He would not feel less of a man. If the best choice for a family was for the woman to work, then nobody would pressure mom to stay at home. Nobody would call her ugly names for wanting a career. But also, a liberated human beings do not look down on a stay at home mom who likes being domestic and caring for her husband and children. It's about allowing men and women to be different without placing a value judgment on those differences. We all have our strengths and weaknesses, and this is for a reason. We can't do it all. We need each other and we need to value each other.

(12)
Rochel,
February 26, 2013 7:23 PM

Amen!

I just started my career, at almost 40. I decided to get married and have kids first. My mom was not so happy about the order of my choices. She always criticizes me, saying "If you had only gone to law school right after college..." Well, if I had law school would have been easier and I probably would have a successful career already. This is true. But what wouldn't I have? My amazing children and husband and family life? There is no comparison. I would not give up my family for the most successful career and most amazing hobbies in the world.
My kids are all in school now and I have the opportunity to work on my career. I will not have to take a break from my career to have a family. My career will not likely be as successful as it would have been otherwise. But, honestly, I want to enjoy life, not be a workaholic and drive myself and my family nuts. I don't need to have it all. "All" is too much to handle in one lifetime.
I think feminism, while making important strides in the early years, has robbed many women of their identity. Women are not men and should not want to be men. Men and Women are two halves of a whole and with Hashem in the mix, that is a winning combination.

Suri,
February 26, 2013 10:22 PM

Beutifully Stated

You hit is perfectly. Having it all is too much for one lifetime. I know some 40 plus women who wanted to have it all and in the end, they are single, some with successful careers, some not, and I can tell you that they certainly don't think that they have it ALL. All that they wish they had is what thank G-d we all have, and that is a husband and a loving family. Something that at times is really hard to manage, but it is where our ultimate fulfillment in life truly comes from. The notion of having it all is misleading, because our tradition teaches us to be thankful to Hashem each day for all that we have.
Your insight is

(11)
Anonymous,
February 26, 2013 7:12 PM

Yesterday's radicalism, today's orthodoxy -- or Orthodoxy?

Julia (7) has it right. What once seemed radical is here portrayed -- I would say for the most part wrongly -- as as a false orthodoxy. How often this happens, and in so many spheres -- political, economic, cultural and, yes, religious. To me there is an inherent challenge in any worthwhile radical change or theory, that is how to prevent it from becoming ossified, frozen and ultimately irrelevant, an unbending ideology that is doomed without being subject to constant scrutiny, questioning and revitalizing change. This is what I believe Moses is saying in Dvarim/Deuteronomy when he tells the people that Torah is their province, that they are responsible for preserving it as a tree of life. Lo shel bashamayim/It is not in heaven. We don't live now as we did 50 years ago or 3,450 years ago. That is not an option. Torah does not change, but it is up to us, in our generation, as it was for our ancestors in preceding generations, to keep its words and concepts and principles flowing fresh as a mountain stream. As with the orthodoxies of recent times, so for the Orthodoxy of today, and so it must be for the orthodoxy of the future. To lightly paraphrase a famous Jew from Hibbing, Minnesota, also writing about 50 years ago, we who are not busy being born are busy dying.

(10)
Anonymous,
February 26, 2013 6:14 PM

Just like a man

The first post-feminism generation of women were inspired by the Friedan, Helen Gurley Brown and Barbara Walters to know that they could have a career just like a man. But not everybody can be Barbara Walters. I know too many women spent their decades pushing meaningless papers in a cubicle only to get layed off at 50 -- just like a man. And I feel especially sorry for those few that I know that never had families (or whose families fell apart) because of that priority.

(9)
Ann,
February 26, 2013 5:06 PM

A Beautiful Article

Mrs. Gutfreund, thank you for such a thoughtful piece, I really enjoyed its refreshing truth. B'H

(8)
Anonymous,
February 26, 2013 5:01 PM

mixed

there are countries in Europe where a woman gets 12 months of maternity leave, extended by 2 months if the father takes his 2 months of paternity leave. Before we had all this, I chose a middle way, worked full time at a university and hired a "grandmother" for when I was not there. Kids grew up happy and normal, I didn´t have a great career but a worthwhile one which suited everyone

(7)
Julia,
February 26, 2013 10:42 AM

Read the book when I was 15. Always planned for both family and careers

I read the same book at 15 and did not put it down thinking I needed to eshew marriage and a family. I always dated for marriage and in fact turned down nice guys because I did not think they were marriage material (I was nice about it.). Feminism may not have made a big enough deal out of it, but the National Organization for Women, NOW, was pushing for parental leave and day cares along with equal pay. I think the idea is to have both, as the author Sara said too. Men can have a family and a career both. If you told them they have to pick one because they can't do both they would laugh at you, not take you seriously. The only way we will ever be able to do both is when men who have children are legally forced to take parental leave for (say) 6 months. Only when there is no choice and being a parent means taking leave from a career will women become equals. I think the feminine mystique was great. My mom stayed home until I was 3. Then she went back to work. She is a director at the IRS and very nerdy. I cooked my own food, did my own laundry and managed my own $40/month allowance for clothes and school supplies and pocket money. I am happier and more independent than most people my age. I also married earlier and am looking through my calendar for my PhD determining with my husband when to try to conceive so we can have kids. He expects me to work and plans to stay home for some of their early lives. That is why I married him. I think feminism taught us to have better expectations. We should be radical and realistic and start listing them. For me #1 is mandatory leave for fathers at a child's birth. #2 is published pay grades so I know when I am being cheated on pay (it happens a lot still). #3 is making sexual objectification in the media harder to put out - it demeans my work when a movie girl is either pretty or smart but not both (I am pretty so people think I am dumb). We deserve to have both, just like men. Men deserve to be dads and not stoic workaholics.

Rob,
February 26, 2013 6:05 PM

" The only way we will ever be able to do both is when men who have children are legally forced to take parental leave...". Great... you want more choices for women, but to take away choices for men, forcing them to take off work, even if their wives want them to work while they themselves stay home with children. Shameful, radical, twisted view of feminism.

Shannon,
February 26, 2013 7:57 PM

I suspect she just chose her words poorly. Reading the rest of her comment it sounds as though the "forced" part is directed at the government and employers, not at individual fathers. She does not sound like someone who wants to enslave dads and free moms. May I suggest to judge more generously. Your last sentence especially is quite hurtful.

Anonymous,
February 27, 2013 6:41 PM

Right on, Rob

Yes, Rob, It's true.. The thing I have always said, is if you want to stand up for the rights of women that's fine, but you don't have to trash men in order to do so. Champion a cause and then move forward....

JBDestiny,
February 26, 2013 7:00 PM

"Radical and realistic"

Mandatory paternal leave? In other words, it's somehow your employers’ responsibility to provide for your family for six months, while paying other employees to do Mom's and Dad's work, so you don't have to make hard choices. Well, YOU had the kids, not your employers. YOU need to make the choices for your family, not government. If Mom and Dad are both going "stay-at-home" for 6 months, they had better save up at least 6 months’ worth of funds. Who chose to have the kid(s), your employers? What if you have several kids close together - my two are 13 months apart? Employers need to pay for absentee employees who are gone for half a year at a time, once a year, in that case. Should Mom and Dad be given automatic promotions for time away, so they don't lose out on the career end, which accounts for the pay gap? Is any of this FAIR and EQUAL? I could point out more flaws, but I don't think you'll hear me.
Men and women are DIFFERENT. We have different roles. We have different responsibilities. And if you want to confuse the two, have the decency to ante up your own funds!
Here's a shocker: learning domestic skills and money management has nothing to do with mandatory leave for parents. Countless women of past generations had their kids and then entered the workforce and had satisfying careers. Neither feminists nor your mother invented this.
I wish all you JULIAs (Obama video) would stop your crusade to "liberate" me. I'm exhausted and distracted because of people like you, JULIA. I don’t have the ability to think about what I want to do, because I’m so busy paying for the clever schemes of the JULIAs in this country!

Leah,
February 26, 2013 8:15 PM

not 100%

I am pretty, too, but no one thinks of me as dumb. This sounds like your opinion. There are plenty of pretty and smart women onjectified equally in Hollywood- no discrimination there, unfortunately.
Let me ask you. Did your mother leave you home at age three or did a female caretaker see over your care?
Did she come home when you got out of school in the afternoon or did she find another female to replace herself for those hours?
Like you- just sayin.....

R.K.,
February 26, 2013 8:31 PM

I'm glad you had a good experience.

Because I was smart, I was discouraged from taking Home Ec. I was told to be a professional, to get a graduate degree, and don't worry about getting student loan debt along this path. I listened to my advisors and mentors and made these stereotypical "male" choices. But, it didn't take me long until I realized I wanted to be a woman, not a man. I wanted a husband, and kids, and to have them in while young.
I had to learn all the skills homemakers need to learn as an adult. I married in my mid-twenties to a considerate, supportive, giving man who did take time off work to help me with the babies (6 weeks, not 6 months). But this didn't make things suddenly easy. Dragging myself to work when I knew I was missing milestones broke my heart. When I realized that I needed to be home with my kids--at least for a few years--in order to take care of their needs, I decided to stay at home with them full time. It was fun and pushed me to be creative and intelligent about the choices I made. Even now that I've returned to part-time work, my expensive education is mostly being paid off by my husband. Very, very slowly.
There are pluses to feminism. We now get to choose to use our talents in fields that were previously closed to women. But she looked down on the roles of wife and mother and tried to get us to do this, as well.
I consider feminism a misnomer: Betty Friedan didn't offer a pro-female agenda--it's a mission to make women into men, just prettier.

Anonymous,
February 28, 2013 1:15 AM

Mothers are the best option

Of course it is great to have an involved father and everyone benefits....Yet, the truth is that in an ideal world a mother being close to her baby in the first few years is the BEST option. If you look at nature, a women carries a baby for 9 months and a women nurses the baby (ideally). Women were physically made to nurture a baby, how can anyone think a man is equal in caring for a baby?
For the record, I am a mother of 3 small children and had a 6 week maternity leave. This was far from ideal but our family could not make it on 1 income, despite living in an apartment without any fancy vacations. But , I don't think this is IDEAL, and although I love my work I would trade it in a second to be home full time with my children.

(6)
rayla,
February 25, 2013 11:23 PM

fabulous article

You are an amazing writer! Made me THINK a lot about what I want and have. And baruch hashem I have exactly what I want.

(5)
Renée,
February 25, 2013 8:33 PM

Congratulations to Friedan

Gutfreund is absolutely right that Friedan's book left out a lot of important details and offered an imbalanced view of female adulthood. Nevertheless I think it still was a book that needed to be written. I'm a happy stay-at-home mom who is also a feminist. Do I "have it all"? Far from it! But I never really wanted it all to begin with. That's what feminism is really about--empowering women to live authentically as individuls, using their unique talents to make the world a better place. For me, and for many other women, this means staying home to take care of our families. I have never felt this puts me outside the feminist movement even though for women of Friedan's generation it may never have seemed possible.

Anonymous,
February 26, 2013 11:45 PM

Amen.
A woman wants to have a career? Great! She wants to have a family? Also great! She wants to try and pull off both? Sure, go right ahead! Saying "all women should do X" is limiting whichever X you're referring to. The world has many women, and we all have different wants, needs, and abilities.

(4)
Anonymous,
February 25, 2013 6:21 PM

These are very reasonable ideas. When I criticize feminism, they say, you are a physicist, you benefit from feminism, you should be grateful. But I think feminism is wonderful --but they threw the baby out with the bath water. Women are not men, they want marriage, children, love family, and success is not as important to them as to a guy. I was for many years a very successful very lonely single women, longing for a child. Now I am married and had a baby late--after a promethean struggle.... I wasn't alone because I was afraid to Opt out, it was because the whole world is turned upside down by this potent mix of feminism, men without good jobs, workaholism, careerism, ageism, birth control, uncommitted relationships (i.e. I couldn't find a person to marry). I also feel that feminism , if it speaks for someone, its the married women, not the single. Feminism ignored singles, since there were so few in the days when it stared. But, another truth is --its fun to be a physicist, I like to work. Maybe also some research should be done on what happens when men trade for a better model. Does their life get better? (probably not, and some data would help people realize).

(3)
julie,
February 25, 2013 2:19 PM

true values

So refreshing to hear this, being a full time wife & mother is very rewarding, no one should knock it untill they've tried it.:)

(2)
Anonymous,
February 25, 2013 1:54 AM

Bravo!

Feminism ruined everyone's lives by creating false premises. Thanks for saying it like it is.

Anonymous,
February 25, 2013 7:53 PM

Oy...

Feminism, like most isms, is an extreme of a potentially worthy ideal. Would you prefer not to be allowed to vote, drive a car, or earn a living? Yes, it came with a price. So does technology; would you like to live without a fridge? Be discerning, and wise, make good life choices, and appreciate what activists have done for society.

Anonymous,
February 26, 2013 5:51 PM

Oy...vey...

Another point, and one that is not mentioned in the article: Feminism, like Marxism and many other 'isms, are inventions, or celebrated causes, of Torah-distant Jews who are trying to fix the world without any grounding. Their "wisdom" is invented, rather than transmitted. These movements enter the scene, make their impact, cause their damage, and then wither away. Had they been teaching Torah rather than espousing self-created ideals, minds as great as Betty Friedan's might have led generations of Jews back to authentic Judaism. Instead they sold falsehoods and fantasies and created generations of confused and disillusioned people.

Leah,
February 27, 2013 6:39 PM

reply to anonymous above

Very excellent comment anonymous Oy...vey...anonymous)
It is concise and makes the point beautifully,

(1)
Anonymous,
February 24, 2013 2:23 PM

This was a thought provoking article. Betty Friedan was a brilliant woman who over 60 years ago could not get a byline on the article she had written for time magazine. Do you want to go back to those days? Really? My husband and son come first for me. Making a wonderful home is something I am only now learning how to do in midlife, and it is something sacred to me. However, women need balance in their lives. THAT was what Friedan was trying to tell us. Re: Her views on marriage on children. Too many women have been hurt when their husbands decide to trade them in for a newer model. Do we really want to raise a generation of women who will be unable to support themselves and their children, should this happen? What about widowhood? Finally, NOBODY can "have it all." Not men and not women. That is just Madison Avenue talk.

Anonymous,
February 25, 2013 1:31 PM

One sided article

At least the mystique was combating an opposite extreme. Articles like this give many women guilt and false expectations about the "joys" of motherhood. I think we've all heard more than enough of about the down side of feminism, the dangers of marginalizing family, the myth of having it all... blah, blah. Please show a little more respect for women that opened doors of possibility for us, and then make whatever choices come with it. It's much more complex and nuanced than this article sounds.

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!