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The David Attenborough’s Approach To Mating Rituals

David Attenborough has got to be one of England’s national treasures by now. I know he’s a Sir but I feel like there should be a shrine or something in honour of such a prolific human being. Is that too much? I don’t care, it should happen! Over the past 60 years he’s brought countless amounts of documentaries to millions about the planet, animals, insects, birds, sea life, the list goes on and on. Just to add, his voice could lull me into a calming, almost comatose state, where relaxation flows over me like a snugly warm blanket. This man and his documentaries are literally the bomb.com .

Throughout the many that I have watched, there’s one prevalent theme that keeps sticking in my mind. Which is that of the male species trying to woo a female. Their rituals are fascinating in the fact that it’s the males with their bright colours, graceful dancing and distinct callings through song, that break their backs trying to woo the right to mount their potential female suitors.

You see where I might be going with all this now? No? People! I’m calling a big mayday with sirens blasting right now because our human mating rituals gots a whole lotta explaining to do! In fact I will go so far as to say that they suck balls. Now, If you have been reading my posts then you know that sucking balls is not my ideal past time. In fact it’s on my list of cruel tortures along with toe sucking (Yuck).

The art of wooing a lady has disintegrate into a big old black hole, sucked up by the modern world. There was a time (I have been informed, seeing as I’ve never experienced these mating rituals for myself) where the men of the world would go on a courting rampage never ceasing until the woman has been won. Writing love letters, flowers, holding doors, and professing their undying, unyielding love for the woman that has caught their heart; just some of the things that they would do. Where the hell has all that gone? Unlike our little creature friends, it is the females who have to fluff up their feathers so to speak, paint colourful armour on themselves and go through hoops to attract their potential male suitor.

Before I start yapping why don’t you take a look below. Apologies from now because I chose to use the Peacock Spider as an example. So if you’re squeamish then…tough shit. It’s not horrific, so get over it. He’s doing a dance for Christ sake!

The male spider is below left with all the beautiful bright colours on his back which happens to flip up when trying to woo a lady. Hence, why it’s called a Peacock. I suppose I could have just used a normal Peacock, of the bird variation, but why be obvious. The females on the other hand are coloured with boring shades of brown.

Male Peacock Spider

Female Peacock Spider

And here is the actual dance of this little guy trying to woo his potential female mate.

After seeing this elegant, ninja like dance that this little guy performs, you can start to see just how much effort he goes through to try and woo the ladies.

Here’s the thing fellow females and I’m just throwing this out there as some food for thought. Why couldn’t our society be like our fellow creatures on earth. I would love to see men be the ones to dress up colourfully, to do a dance so to speak, to change their whole appearance to catch our eyes. It should be them fighting for the right to have us. Almost like ‘The Hunger Games of Love’. They should really work for it. But alas, in these modern times so comes the modern woman. And some of these modern ladies have lost all sense of decency when it comes to bagging a man.

I know there are some guys out there that will try and do some sort of courting to woo you over. But y’all get mesmerised by the first nice thing that a man does. After spending hours in the gym and spending most of your hard earned money on facials, hair extensions, mani-pedi’s, self tanners, make-up, perfumes, high heels and so on. Why do we all give in at the first signs of a flower being handed to us? Or the opening of a door? Or the pulling out of a chair? Shouldn’t this still be the standards? I don’t think I am asking for too much. And I don’t think that a woman should give in on the first date or give into everything thereafter. Women, you put in an amazing amount of effort to look good everyday. Sure it might be a façade but damn it, it is a well earned façade! So, if you treat yourself like the goddess that you are, then shouldn’t your potential suitor also treat you that way? He should be wooing you every fucking day!

By the way, I’m saying this after years of fuck ups on my part in this department. I was with someone who gave me breadcrumbs of affection from time to time. As in, it would be months of bullshit and lies and then he would do a gesture of love (a breadcrumb). Then it would be back to all the bullshit and lies. Yet I stayed around. Why? Because of all those stupid little breadcrumbs. I thought that if I stayed the breadcrumbs would eventually grow into a slice of bread. After all the mind games, torturous emotional roller coasters and mental bruises along the way I realised that I wanted an abundance of bread loaves, not measly stale breadcrumbs!

It would be great if we were able to copy and perfect a courting ritual. Ladies seem to sit all stiff at a bar because they are too primped up to even move. Then the men come, buy a drink for the female, say a vomit-worthy one-liner and the dress comes right off. So can we please listen to David Attenborough a bit more. Let’s start taking tips from his documentaries because I’m willing to bet that we as humans need to learn a thing or two about the whole mating thing. Did I mention that we suck balls!? It should be returned whence it came.

Bet you never thought you’d see ‘suck ball’s and a ‘whence it came’ in the same post did you? That’s how I roll people. Giving you some old school, mixed with the new.