Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Paradox of Life

You know the worse quarrel I had with my dad was when I just finished my SSCE and he got so pissed off that he told me to leave his house. At that utterance I knew I had over yarned and probably in my anger said things I shouldn’t have…I apologized oh, as was his usual demand, but this time, he said:

‘I’ve heard you…but you cannot be this hardheaded in my house, you will now leave’’

So that was the first time I was away from home for like 8months…eh I wasn’t suffering sha, because I came to Lagos to be with an aunt. Pshceeew!! Anyways I remember this because this was the period I invested well in all the bad habits I had been experimenting with in secondary school that time. I was attending tutorials for SAT and TOEFL at one correct school and I made this friend…this crazy girl candy* who was Turkish by the way…and the first time I was drawn to her was the day she walked into class scenting (smelling, if u like) of Benson & Hedges. I couldn’t resist asking her:

‘’hey…listen do u smoke?’
‘’ If you have cause to ask that question, then you obviously know the answer’’ she replied with a grin

I knew I had found a friend. A friend in crime is a friend indeed…I was happy, because prior to that I was going mad with the bunch of fake (in my opinion) people in that class. I just de vex for the airs all dem Lagos guys be putting up and how them girls were so plastic. You couldn’t have a genuine conversation with them because they always had to be fronting or just annoying me generally sha.

So Candy* and I came to class like 7…went for morning smoke (Mena, I was carefree/foolish because of a lot of things) as class starts by 9am..then sometimes we skipped class and just went drinking. I was 17 she was 15 but so worldly wise. We left there, we passed the exams…I couldn’t travel for some reasons, she did and I went to school in Nigeria but we keep in touch till date, and I noticed in school there was something about me that attracted those kind of girls till now sef…free spirited, tom-boyish, mean girls…party girls who like their B & H and their drinks and look forward to club nights. We weren’t emotional..we entered relationships with the expiry dates in mind,(mind u, we were not sleeping around abeg, just having fun) expiry dates we created in our minds and when the time came we moved on. Some called us snobs, some loved us because we didn’t have all dem girly notions, some hated us because their boyfriends compared them to us, we liked guys as friends because they were more practical. We didn’t send anyone and their opinion. We were good but not nice…we didn’t indulge in gossip, make ups and we no just send. We just knew good girls go to heaven, and bad girls go everywhere, including heaven.(lol)

Now I decided to stop all that after school, like be more thoughtful of other people’s feeling, to stop all the bad habits because I don’t want to die of liver or lung failure, I decided to be more girly because that’s how it should be. The thing is it isn’t bringing me peace…now that I open my heart to people and I’m less brash, I find myself getting hurt. People taking me and my feelings for granted. It never happened before. I feel this pain sometimes and I never knew I was capable of feeling it, and I wonder why I have to feel like this. I was a bitch and I was happy…now I’m humane and not happy.

Is there a paradox somewhere there? What do human beings want…somebody treats you like shit and you do everything possible to make them love, trust and cherish you and your friendship. But someone treats you good,and cares about you, you abuse it and take them for granted. What do people want…men, women, animal what do they want? I cant find an answer to that. Can you tell me why friends, humans and people are like this. I know you could say, 'this was how you were making those people feel that time''...its not true, everyone knew what was on ground, I didnt make promises I couldnt keep, from the very first they knew what they were getting into by being friends/lovers with me. I dont play on people's intelligence, I never took physically or emotionally what I couldnt give back. ehen.

6 comments:

there's really no explanation...classic case of it is what it is...you just have to find ur defense mechanism, without pushing away the ones that truly love you and yet not giving them that power to hurt you...i wish i could explain it more, but i have solid defense mechanisms in place for come what may, you just have to finds urs ma

I understand how you feel because I am still learning to express myself and let others in. I feel it depends on perspective... if people hurt you, its because they don't know any better. I don't think you should feel that because you are humane, you are now sad. Rather, see it as a strength - You have the power to let others in truthfully, and its up to them to accept it or not. If they don't and react back to hurt you, well, its because they are running away from the truth. I would see it as a strength and as growth, because from now here on, you are growing into the person you would love to look back at in the mirror 50 years from now...

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Daughter, Sister, Friend, Enemy, Child of God...fun loving and curious
Nutty Jay is not a professional writer and hasn't still grasped the art of being politically correct, thus some posts might offend some readers, but that is not her aim. Overall... She's a fairly good writer.
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