Thursday, August 22, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says that the NSA has the ability to monitor 75% of all Internet traffic. Apparently they could have access to more, but even they can’t deal with reading mommy blogs.

A report says that Craigslist ads in San Diego are advertising for surveillance role players for military training exercises. Apparently it’s a dual purpose ad. The surveillance and military training part goes to the armed forces. The role players are sent over to Mayor Bob Filner.

Fast food workers are being urged to call a nationwide strike to raise their wages. If you thought it would be a national disaster for Republicans in Congress threatening to shut down the government, just wait until people can’t get a Big Mac combo meal.

Scoot Airlines based in Singapore has designated some sections on their planes as “child free zones”. Although after going through TSA screening and dealing with rude airline employees, sitting near a crying baby doesn’t seem all that bad anymore.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg says he has a plan to bring Internet access to everyone on Earth. So far the only people who can’t get online are customers of AOL.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg says he has a plan to bring Internet access to everyone on Earth. How insecure is he that he won’t feel fulfilled until he has all 7 Billion people as a Facebook “friend”?

A trainee with American Airlines has been fired for making a bomb threat to another airline and being on a “no-fly” list. The company is disappointed since they felt he had such a promising future as a customer service representative.

A study says the U.S. median income has risen but is still 6% below where it was in 2007. Which makes everyone wonder if we were really that poor six years ago and just didn’t know it?

40 men are suing an Illinois hospital which accidentally thawed sperm samples which they are no longer able to give, meaning they can’t have children. To which Al Gore says he told us that global warming could end up costing human lives.

A hospital in Nevada is being accused of shipping mentally ill people back to California. Apparently they put them on a Greyhound going to L.A. from Las Vegas and they all seemed to blend right in.

A poll says that besides pay, women are as satisfied with their job as men. Besides pay? That’s like saying that besides having no umbrella, the rain isn’t really that much of a nuisance.

A poll says that besides pay, women are as satisfied with their job as men. Men are pretty much satisfied just knowing they make more than the women they work with.

A poll says that besides pay, women are as satisfied with their job as men. Which pretty much describes every job for every person on the planet.

David Cassidy was arrested for DUI in New York. Apparently he caught the eye of police by swerving while driving a psychedelic colored bus.

A survey says that Georgia is the most expensive state in which to operate a car. Which is surprising since it’s not like the people in Georgia need to drive anywhere like school or the dentist.

A survey says that Georgia is the most expensive state in which to operate a car. Mostly because of the high insurance rates from all the claims put in for damage caused to the General Lee by those Duke boys.

A survey says that Oregon is the least expensive state in which to operate a car. Mostly because anyone over 50 traded in their microbus for a pair of Birkenstocks years ago.

TV Guide says Judge Judy is the highest paid TV star, making $47 Million a year. Why is it that to be a TV star anymore you either need to be a hillbilly or abusive tyrant?

TV Guide says Judge Judy is the highest paid TV star, making $47 Million a year. Apparently her shows really took off in popularity when she started actually waterboarding the defendants.

A gun control advocacy group is calling for people to “skip Starbucks Saturday” to get the coffee giant from allowing people to bring weapons into its stores. Apparently they are saying that the last thing you want near an itchy trigger finger is a full dose of double espresso caffeine.

A gun control advocacy group is calling for people to “skip Starbucks Saturday” to get the coffee giant from allowing people to bring weapons into its stores. Why is Starbucks so pro-gun? Who needs a weapon when you have figured out how to get $5 using coffee grounds, water and a paper cup.

A report says that U.S. wages have been stagnant from 2000 through 2012. And in 2013 they are pretty much right back around 1929.

The State of Washington has fined four insurance companies for overcharging customers. Which is bad news for the insurance industry since that is pretty much the basis for their business model.

The State of Washington has fined four insurance companies for overcharging customers. The overcharges were for auto insurance. Which means the companies underwriting health, home, fire, life, mortgage and renter’s insurance are still getting away with it.

A poll says that U.S. small business owners are the most optimistic since 2008. Mostly they are just optimistic that they have managed to stay in business since 2008.

Scientists have identified 84 possible causes of obesity. Which is pretty much the 84 items that make up the menu at McDonald’s.

A study says that people who sing before going to bed are less likely to snore. To which their partners are saying it is probably less annoying to hear them snoring all night than to hear them singing their favorite Justin Bieber songs.

A study says that obese people fail to respond to a hunger hormone. Instead, the only thing they ever respond to all the time is the dinner bell.

Scientists say a woman reported hallucinating hearing music in the back of her head, and when she described the music turned out to be popular selections. Then researchers showed her how to turn off her cellphone Pandora app.

A study says that poor oral hygiene is tied to a virus that can cause cancer in the mouth and throat. Which prompted health officials to tell everyone in Georgia and Alabama to make sure and brush their tooth.

A study says that LSD and magic mushrooms are not linked to mental illness. Unless you consider flashbacks to a 1968 Grateful Dead concert mental illness.

Simon Cowell says he was “blindsided and tricked” by news that he was going to be a father. He thought the only one who was being blindsided and tricked was the man whose wife Cowell was busy getting pregnant.

Rapper DMX was arrested in South Carolina for possession of marijuana. At least he keeps proving people wrong who say he couldn’t even get arrested anymore.

Nirvana’s original record contract was released which shows that band was paid $600. Young fans were shocked. What’s a record?

Kanye West will reportedly be sued by the photographer he got into a scrap with at LAX. If rappers have such a problem with photographers, why are they always doing things that result in a mug shot?

A judge has ruled that Snookie and JWoww can keep shooting their reality show in a residential New Jersey neighborhood that is rebuilding from Superstorm Sandy. Apparently their neighbors feel that one catastrophic disaster at a time is enough.

A judge has ruled that Snookie and JWoww can keep shooting their reality show in a residential New Jersey neighborhood that is rebuilding from Superstorm Sandy. Apparently their neighbors feel what’s the point in rebuilding when the property values are about to go right down the toilet again?

Tiger Woods is blaming a stiff neck and back on a hotel mattress that was too soft. So apparently his mistress list now even includes Goldilocks.

The New York Jets are teaching their players how to talk to the media. Apparently the training is in preparation for when they finally win a game and someone from the media actually shows up.

The New York Jets are teaching their players how to talk to the media. The Cincinnati Bengals had similar training for their players. They were told to always say “My lawyer will be making any statements about the incident.”

Richie Incognito from the Miami Dolphins got into a fight with a hotel security guard days after being hit in the head with his own helmet during a game. About this time Dolphins management are asking why he cant live up to his name.

The manager of a soccer team in England awakened from a coma when he was told his team won. Which means there could actually be a zombie apocalypse if the Cubs ever win the World Series.

L.A. Clipper Chris Paul was elected the new President of the National Basketball Players Association. Do you really want your labor contract negotiated by someone on a team that actually drinks their Gatorade because they have never had a reason to dump it on their coach?

L.A.
Clipper Chris Paul was elected the new President of the National
Basketball Players Association. Is that a good idea? Wouldn't you rather have your labor contract negotiated by someone who actually plays on an NBA team?

L.A. Clipper Chris Paul was elected the new President of the National Basketball Players Association. Apparently the other players are indebted to the Clippers for helping make their stats look so much better.

Alex Rodriguez says he is shutting down all non-baseball talk. That will chase the media away. Who wants to talk to Rodriguez about baseball?

Scientists say that Mark Zuckerberg’s goal of bringing Internet access to the entire world population will be a 20 year project. But it will be worth it when every last person on the Earth will be able to instantly be able to look at all the porn they want.

A web traffic tracker says that Yahoo! finished July ahead of Google. Mostly because people were just logging in to see if Yahoo! was actually still in business.

San Diego Mayor Bob Filner has been accused by a 17th woman of sexual harassment. Tiger Woods will officially present him with the Golden 9 Iron award for most women coming forward to destroy your career in one year.

The latest batch of Nixon Watergate tapes have been released. Apparently they were discovered in a box in the basement at the NSA.

Liz Cheney has been fined $220 in Wyoming for lying on a permit for a fishing license. Apparently she doesn’t get it. You aren’t supposed to lie until after you catch the fish.

Liz Cheney has been fined $220 in Wyoming for lying on a permit for a fishing license. Apparently she is trying to get some credibility in her run for Wyoming Senator in showing that she can lie about anything, no matter how seemingly unimportant.

Liz Cheney has been fined $220 in Wyoming for lying on a permit for a fishing license. Those Cheneys. They lie about fishing but just wait until you see what happens when you take them hunting.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Long day yesterday. Are you sure it was 24 hours? Just checking. But back to the jokes today as usual. Now as usual, I am going to say that you can feel free anytime to send the love!