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Monday, March 29, 2010

As time progresses and life goes on, I am finding it easier and better to relate, be myself, be more confident and simply go on with it.

Life for me has improved. Its better than it was before. Maybe we established this already, but it doesn't harm to say it again all the same. Nowadays, I look forward to living. I'm at peace with myself. And I love every bit of it.

So what has changed? What's new? Well, for starters, I have gotten the chance to see some of the guys I used to work with. I saw them but they didn't see me. Or at least they didn't recognize me! I like that. In fact I think its very fascinating that my appearance has changed so much to a point where someone we used to see each other on a daily basis can now just glance at me at the stage and not even recognise me! Its amazing. It amazes me a lot. But then again, I love it. I love the fact that I am a new person. And that I can walk in town with less fear, if not none.

Unfortunately for me, the man in my life is struggling to embrace the whole idea. I don't like talking about him because that's the way he is. That's the way he prefers it. He is reserved and private. Therefore there are things that id want to do with him, such as go out for dinner, for drinks, shopping, on holiday together but it cant work. Why? Because he is still taking time to absorb and accept this reality. Th reality that the old me is no more and the new me is a reality. According to him, he still needs time to be ready to fully embrace the idea. Again, as I mentioned, he is a very reserved person and he likes keeping such stuff private, hence my not mentioning him everywhere! I don't mind it, I understand him. I only hope that one day he can be comfortable being out with me and not worry about meeting someone he knows and having to explain things. That's his main worry. He doesn't want to explain anything to anyone. At all. It may seem sad, but I understand him completely. And that enough about him. No comments.

In other news, my activism role is improving and I see myself travelling to places for lots of work. I love activism. I love spearheading change. In fact, that's one of the main reasons why I started another blog for my public life; to spearhead change in Kenya through activism.

The phenomena of transsexualism and intersexuality have been in existence in the world (maybe the west) for very long but has been deeply hidden in our country. Our country desperately needs a paradigm shift to change this scenario. It is people like me and my colleagues in activism including other LGB and mainstream human rights organisations to see us through. Yes, funds are there but its the manpower and will to see through change that is lacking. Again, invisibility of this community does little to spearhead change in Kenya. It is until we come out and show we exist that we can be able to begin influencing change in the society and in our Kenya at large.

Friday, March 12, 2010

The last time I posted anything about me was a while a go and so this one is as the title reads: an update. As I also said in one of my recent posts, life has been just so so. Not much happening to write home about. That it, any way related to trans life. But then again, I am a girl and I do lead a life and therefore that’s something to write home about. And who better to understand my life that the people who read my blog?

I am glad that the org. that I work with decided to keep me for a while longer. I am happy for that and I could never be more grateful. The work is the same although it will increase with time and I will also have to do better than before in order to make me relevant. General work life hasn’t been much but its all good.

I have been spending a lot of time on social networks lately and funny, my focus shifted from facebook to twitter! The amount of tweeting I have been doing is a lot! The experience is good and if you ask me, I kinda prefer it more than facebook although the latter does have more integrations than the former. I still love facebook even then.

Nowadays, my focus is on living my near-boring life and carrying on with it. I still do get some stares and whispers behind my back but somehow I tend not to notice them anymore or just notice very little of them. All the same, they will never go away. People will always have something to say about me and you know what? I am very very glad and happy and thankful that I am able to ‘pass’ easily and without raising too many eyebrows. Very few people have a clue about my transgender identity and I even get hit on and winked at! It’s really cool. Such a nice feeling.

If there is one thing that I really appreciate and like nowadays is how seamlessly people refer to me as ‘she’ and ‘her’ and all other female pronouns. It’s so nice. Such a nice feeling I tell you! Even when my relative the other day referred to me as ‘he’ it didn’t bite me that much. I let it go. And more so, I nowadays don’t get irritated when people use those male pronouns on me. I am okay the way I am and I present as such so, such wont deter me at all. And besides, chances are that if that person uses such a pronoun, s/he will immediately correct his/herself or be corrected by someone else.

I was recently thinking about my former workmates and how I miss them when I saw a picture of some of them receiving company vehicles in the dailies. I hit me that I may have misjudged some of them by cutting them all off without giving any of them the benefit of a doubt. Maybe some of them would understand me, maybe even accept and interact with me. I don’t know that for now, but lets see what happens when one of them calls me later this weekend. I still don’t trust them. It can be hard for them you know.

Something else that makes me sad is the fact that it’s been a while since I saw my cousins. Most of them are younger than I am and therefore I don’t think they would even understand what the **** I am doing to myself! They'd think I’m crazy or something! Also remembering that not all of the older relatives of mine quite agree with my decision. But then again sometimes when I look at this I ask myself, what is it this thing I did to myself? Did I wake up one day and decide to become a girl? Did I do something to myself?

So there. My thoughts so far. Life isn’t so glamorous that I can be writing every single day about it. So far all I can say is that, I am still planning to go for the minor surgery, then after that I can purchase the estrogen pills. Which reminds me, the extension of my contract came with a medical cover and too bad one of the disallowed costs is hormone replacement therapy. Aww snap!

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

After days of "missing in action" I have unleashed yet another story out of me. I actually submitted this to one of our local magazines for print and I can't wait to see it come out! So here it is.

Primary school in Kenya is known for having kids. Young kids who, just as they approach standard 6, 7 or 8, start entering the puberty age, also known as adolescence. But I don't want to delve into the nitty gritty details of this since (I assume) you already know them and most likely have gone through them. So let me just get onto my purpose for this story.

Classes were a drag and I had just joined standard six. It was supposed to be a fresh feeling I had but rather it was kind of dull. Why? Time was dragging itself by, I wasn't feeling the 'odijos' and quite frankly I was moody. The days went by and the months sped through. I was happy about that.

Cheeks. I loved cheeks. Pinching them that is. And the ones I liked belonged to boys. Hmm… romance in primary? Not quite. But in my primary? Oh yes! It was all over. I was in class six and so duuh! My puberty started to kick in. Hey! Guys were noticing so why not entertain them. But wait! We were in the same dorm! How is that? Well, let me let that go for now. At least that means they are closer, right? They liked it. That's what they said. They loved it when I pinched their cheeks. It wasn't painful. It was soft and sweet. Very sweet. And they were a few. I didn't pinch just anyone. I selected them. The ones I liked. The ones that got my attention. They looked great. Very handsome. No girls. The girls were like me. I didn't want to pinch their cheeks.

I wanted to play with the girls. They were nice to me. We understood each other. Completed each others sentences. Made fun of one another. But some of them didn't like me. They said I belonged on the other side. I didn't understand. They pointed at me. Laughed at me. Teased me. Telling me I am not like them. I still didn't understand. I tried to ignore them. Somehow it worked. So I sticked with the ones who understood me. We had fun. Played 'kalongolongo' and 'kati' and 'bladders'. I was good at these game. Sometimes better than my friends. Then some boys would come and they would laugh at me. I frowned at them. They laughed harder. Teased me. It felt bad. I ignored them too. I liked playing with the girls.

I couldn't say the same for the boys. I did try playing with them. Football was their game. I joined them at one time. It felt good. I thought I could impress them. Try to belong. It didn't work. I was horrible. No, terrible! I even sagged my shorts. Tried talking with a base voice. Tried all manner of male swagger and it didn't work. I couldn't understand why it never worked. It just didn't. it was depressing. Stressing. But I did not want that to happen to me. I knew the consequences of being depressed.

With all the stress, I took my depressed self to the Lord. I prayed. I made those so called fervent prayers to God. I believed there must have been something terribly wrong with me but I couldn't understand what it was. Cliché? Maybe. But see, I was okay. I just needed to know which side. I was on middle ground. It was depressing. Even after years of continuous battering of heavenly doors, no clear answers came. Only comforts. I couldn't get it. Eventually I gave up.

Whoa! What a feeling that was. A relief! I stopped worrying. I stopped wondering. I embraced. I accepted. It was the best feeling ever. I started to search. Search for answers. For knowledge. For understanding. I needed to know me. I didn't know me. I didn't understand me. This was urgent. I needed to keep my new feeling ablaze. I needed to be at peace with me. Then I discovered it. The truth, or close to it. That which told my story from my head. It was like reading my mind!