Maury Povich Guest Claims Maria Shriver Bore His Child

Yesterday on daytime television’s Maury, host Maury Povich informed his audience that his guest would be the former gardener for Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. When Maury said that the gardener would claim that former first lady of California, Maria Shriver, bore his child, the studio audience gasped and began squirming in their seats. Aware of the magnitude of the scandal that was about to explode on his stage, Povich delayed introducing his guest by showing photos of the child and then retelling the sordid tale of Governor Schwarzenegger’s love child with a member of his household staff. After cutting to a commercial, Maury Povich finally introduced his guest, Miguel Rodriguez.

MAURY POVICH: Welcome to our show, Miguel!

MIGUEL: I am welcome Senor Maury.

MAURY POVICH: Miguel, let’s just get right to the meat of the burrito, if you will.

MIGUEL: Senor?

MAURY POVICH: Miguel, did Maria Shriver bear your child?

MIGUEL: She didn’t do anything to it.

MAURY POVICH: Did she produce the child, Miguel? Did the child come out of her?

MIGUEL: Si, Senor Maury.

MAURY POVICH: And you say that after the child was born, that Mrs. Shriver did not claim the child as her own.

MIGUEL: Si, Senor Maury.

MAURY POVICH: Now, Miguel, I know that there are lots of people wondering, how come Governor Schwarzenegger didn’t notice that his wife was pregnant.

MIGUEL: Everybody notice Mrs. Governor, Senor.

MAURY POVICH: But is there any proof she was pregnant? Photographs? Videos?

MIGUEL: Senor?

MAURY POVICH: Evidence, Miguel. You need evidence when you make an accusation of this magnitude.

MIGUEL: Si, Senor Maury.

MAURY POVICH: Well? Where’s your evidence?

MIGUEL: I have the baby. The baby is evidence.

MAURY POVICH: Because of the teeth, Miguel? Are you saying just because your baby has huge teeth that it’s proof Maria Shriver is the mother?

MIGUEL: Senor?

MAURY POVICH: For the love of God, Miguel, are you saying that because your baby has very large Kennedy-esk teeth that it proves the child’s mother is Maria Shriver?

MIGUEL: No, Senor Maury

MAURY POVICH: Then talk to me, Miguel. I need proof that Maria Shriver is the mother of that baby with the big teeth! Proof, Miguel!

MIGUEL: Yes, Senor Maury.

MAURY POVICH: OK, Miguel, I don’t know if you understand so let me slow it down a little bit for you.

MIGUEL: Yes, Senor Maury

MAURY POVICH: You see, once this show airs, I’m on the mat.

MIGUEL: Senor?

MAURY POVICH: Once I go public with this… with your accusation, my head is on the block.

MIGUEL: The block?

MAURY POVICH: The proverbial base that one’s head is laid on when under a guillotine.

Miguel slipped under Maury’s arm and began crawling away. Maury Povich grabbed him by the pants, grimacing as he tried to pull Miguel back towards him.

MAURY POVICH: I need this story, Miguel. Tell my audience that Maria Shriver is the mother of your child. Please, Miguel, for me? Will ya do it for Senor Maury?

Miguel looked at Maury Povich with sympathy.

MIGUEL: Don’t be sad, Senor Maury.

MAURY POVICH: My career is over, Miguel. I’m seventy-two and my entire life has been wasted exploiting ignorant people for profit and fame. I wanted to go out with a bang, Miguel, with a real story! Something so big and juicy that it would over shadow the putrid filth that I’ve been peddling for decades.

MIGUEL: Mrs. Shriver did not have my baby, Senor Maury.

MAURY POVICH: I began to realize that in the middle of our interview, Miguel. But why? Why did you do it? Fame? Money? Why, Miguel?

MIGUEL: Senor Governor Arnold asked me to.

Maury Povich looked up with big wide eyes.

MAURY POVICH: Say again?

MIGUEL: Senor Arnold asked me to say it.

Maury Povich grabbed Miguel and hugged him enthusiastically.

MAURY POVICH: Bless you, Miguel! God bless your soul! Bless you!

After telling the studio audience that his next show would be dealing with Arnold Schwarzenegger’s exploitation of an innocent immigrant gardener, Maury Povich continued to hug and thank Miguel Rodriguez.