Friday, August 20, 2010

I've only just begun... to blog... white screens big promises...

Dear world, Here we go, my first blog. I guess I feel the need to vent more than facebook can allow me to properly. So here I am. What is going on with me? Kids. Kids are going on with me. It's hard to not feel that they've taken over my life, but I don't really mean that in a bad way.

Eleanor took a nap yesterday for the first time in a long time, I was pleased about that, but then she had the hardest time trying to go to sleep, even way into the night. I can't help but wonder what's going to happen once we finally get them both sleeping in the same room. I hear that kids will just get used to each other, but that sounds like advice from someone who has forgotten what it was like UNTIL that point. Not trying to be negative, but I know it is easy to forget things as you go. We'll deal with it once Garrett can sleep in a long stretch without any of those binky- withdrawal cries during the night. Although it has gotten better than when we were in CA when I swear I got up 14 times in the night over it.

I still have yet to understand why children fight their sleep. That is the gist of my story.

Today Eleanor wanted to play ring around the rosy with her stuffed animals (namely 3 Elmos, 3 Minnies, and one llama llama). She wanted me to make them dance and when they "fall down" I chuck some at her while she laughs and tries to run away. Usually pretty fun (but a tad monotonous for me) until she tripped over her feet and fell in the hall. My calming her didn't work so well, and soon Garrett had an abrupt waking from his nap, even though he was in the nursery with the door closed. When she calmed down enough to show me where the ouch was it didn't look too bad- a red spot next to her eyebrow- probably will have a small bruise. Two crying babies-- this is what I had feared for so long in the hospital right after Garrett's birth. Yet... it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It's hard. But every day is. Every day is hard with one kid. Every day is hard with no kids. And every day is hard without a spouse. I'm quite certain I made the right choice each step of the way in my life, for it brings me lots of joy, sometimes even during those rough moments. Had one of those today, too.

Garrett was having a rough time going to sleep, no position was helping him fall asleep, even though he was obviously tired. So I lay down on the couch next to him with my arm over him so he can't roll away. And then he calms down more and more, his eyelids droop... and droop... and... and then he looks at me and sees my face is right next to his, and starts giggling like mad. He had trouble stopping once I joined in. So much for bedtime. We went on a walk. That didn't work either. It was time to feed him again. That didn't work either. More rocking. Even still not sure if it's the real deal or if he'll be up crying soon.

This is my life. I'm getting quite used to it, hard as it is. I want my kids to be happy. I'm so incredibly not perfect. But I love them. I want them to love me. I'm waiting for that moment when my kids willingly offer me an "I love you." without anyone else asking them to. And I know I'm going to need a bunch of tissues when they do.

I know I'm starting to get over my PPD. I can't explain it, but I just know it deep down inside of me. Kind of like how you just KNOW when one of your kids is filling their diaper. Just like that. Something has changed, ever since we got back from CA. Like Mary Poppins just snapped her fingers- POP! 90% better! Not totally, I don't know as that's possible. But it helps me be a lot more hopeful, that's for sure. I'm learning so much more, and I think I'll finally come to be more of a blessing in my husband's life than a stressor. That's just how it is after about two years straight battling depression. He sure could use that during his last year in school ever- no?

I hope that I can not only properly vent through this blog, but can uplift and inspire those around me. Here's my Happy Thought of the Day: Kids laughing at something I don't even find funny can still still make me laugh.

2 comments:

Hey Jen - I'm sorry to hear things have been rough on you. I hope they continue to improve. The kids sound adorable; I've never taken care of kids that young, but I nanny for some elementary school kids, and I find that my repetition concerns are frequently cured by doing things I enjoy. Aka, we have a lot of "ok, we'll sing this song one more time. But then we're going to make cookies!" (or, because they're older, play a game, or do some number games, or whatever) is that a possibility with your two? Eleanor's old enough to learn some letters and numbers, and those can be fun to sing with and play with :-)

Thanks, Marli. :) Yeah, to some degree that works. She never seems to quite understand WHY we have to go do something else, so if it's something I enjoy, she better enjoy it, too. I have some good ideas for things, but I'm trying to save them for next week when Tim goes back to school & I'm alone with them. (She's a daddy's girl, it'll be rough for her) Good to hear from you.