Tweety Camera’s Twits of the Week!

All day every day, you can be sure that I’ll be scouring Twitter, sniffing out the very best of my fellow professionals’ musings like I used to sniff out goal-scoring chances, and presenting them for your delectation with the kind of ruthless efficiency that saw me net 23 times in 38 games for my native Guinea. I do so hope that you enjoy this week’s selections…

Disclaimer: The views expressed by the following Twits do not necessarily reflect my own – signed Tweety Camera, formerly of Liverpool and West Ham United

LOL! Tony, you and Jason were two of my biggest heroes as a youngster plying my trade in the French league with Saint Etienne. People go on about Diego Maradona and Marco Van Basten, but Jason’s goal against Ipswich Town was as special as anything they ever did, while I honestly couldn’t pick a favourite out of your rare but always emphatic strikes. I’d love to take you both out to dinner sometime. Do you like fish? I know a good plaice! LOLOLOL!!! Hang on, it looks like Joleon Lescott is having a friendly dig at Patrick Vieira…

@OfficialVieira why is everyone on the coach suited and booted and your in a T-shirt. Dress your age my friend. Lol

Joleon, this disappoints me. I am four years Patricks’s senior, and let me assure you that my collection of novelty T-shirts is the envy of all Conakry. I can’t tell you how many times the one reading “YouTube MySpace and I’ll Google your Yahoo!” has got me laid, and I am about to launch my own line of clothing featuring my face superimposed onto Che Guevara. You’re never too old for a good T-shirt.

I won’t ask, former Norwich City and Leicester City midfielder Darren Eadie! LOL! Only joking, I followed the thread and know you were referring to actual sausages. Is it too late to enter mine? I was always known for my magnificent sausage during the initial obsession with fry-ups I underwent after moving to England. This brief infatuation was brought to a gristly end by a particularly prank-infested sleepover party at Igor Biscan’s. Why, it’s Tottenham Hotspur youngster Kenneth McEvoy on the line…

Mickey and minie mouse have the same last name yet they date! Coincidence? I think not

Well Kenneth, you look just like Gareth Bale! Coincidence? I suppose it is, really, but then there’s always the chance that you underwent plastic surgery in order to enhance your first team chances, not to mention bamboozle your youthful opponents. I myself played a few games for Blackburn Rovers last season when Yakubu didn’t fancy it. I think Steve Kean knew, but he himself regularly handed over the reins to Christian Gross so he could go from fan to fan paying them for foolhardy bets he’d offered. Twenty-odd thousand Rovers fans in Ewood Park and the only bet he won was the one he made with that chicken, the one that claimed it could run on the pitch, dance mockingly for a bit in front of Ali Al-Habsi and run away again without being caught. Of course, I foiled him on that occasion.

I thought of a really good joke about the chicken and ‘sticking it on the bill’, but was soon informed that chickens don’t have bills. Isn’t it infuriating when that happens? Ooh, it makes me mad. But what angers Bournemouth midfielder Shaun MacDonald?

I hate all this bombing shit going on around the world and people dying…why can’t we all get on!?? World would be better place!!