BREAKING: Smallville Star Allison Mack Arrested for Her Role in a Sex Cult

Allison Mack, most famous for playing Clark Kent's friend in "Smallville," has kicked type-casting in the ass. She successfully divorced herself from that "squeaky clean" image actors are supposedly terrified of, with her dalliances in a freaky-deaky sex cult. For which she has now been arrested.

Can't dock her points for being loyal to her strapping master. For those of you wondering, seems Mack played the submissive to Raniere's dominant. Then Mack got to dominate a few lost babes herself. Making mommy proud, I'm sure. Who doesn't want their daughter growing up to lead her own harem of desperate women? I'm adding that to my LinkedIn.

We first reported the Allison Mack is a kinky dominatrix in November of last year. Read Allison Mack of ‘Smallville’ Fame Allegedly a Ranking Member of Sex Cult Nxivm. The sex cult has some weird rules, like being fed tape worms to stay twig thing, and regular beatings on the hindquarters if texts aren't answered on mistress's timeline. I hear NotGayJared must follow similar rules in studio.

People are going to send me their hate tweets anyway, so might as well go all in. How long before Nxivm-like cults get excused as just "sexual exploration" and "trying to find yourself"? Look, I hate having to even think about mainstreaming a sex cult of weird tattoos and regular beatings. But I also didn't think I'd have to say "girl bathrooms are for girls, boy bathrooms are for boys." We're living in times even The Onion cannot compete against.

And no, that's not me saying Allison Mack having a harem of sex slaves is the same as Tommy wanting to be Tammy. I'm comparing only that what we used to think would never happen is happening. Calm down.

If anything, maybe Allison can sell her story to Starz for a limited series. Call it "Secret Diaries of a Sex Queen." Or "Paddle Me Harder, Mistress." If not "Slice Me Baby One More Time."