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Saturday, June 9, 2018

I Want to Leave, Please Tell me How!

Good morning ma. Ma, I'm very depressed. Almost suicidal. So many things in my life are not going well. In fact I feel God loves other people more than he loves me. Everything I prayed for, He gives me the direct opposite.

I wanted to be independent before 25, I really wanted to never have to depend on any man. But it's the direct opposite. I feel so so underachieved. I work but I earn so little. I've tried to pick up a few skills but it seems I can't get ahead with them.

My relationship or whatever it's fit to be called is crumbling by the day. I thought I met a different person. I thought he was good at least. But ma, everything I feared has come to pass. This man is using me to get married as he's ready and I'm available and compatible.

I went through his chats on WhatsApp. I discovered that there was a lady he was chatting with the same time he was wooing me. A few weeks after he openly and publicly declared his love for me last year, he was telling the lady that he missed her so much and what not.

There was his patient that he got close to that fell in love with him. This man told her that if not for the fact that I was a Catholic like him that he won't have had anything to do with me. In other words if she were a Catholic he won't have met me.

Ma, as at the time, this man was confessing his love for me in a way that even the devil would be amazed if it was a lie. When we first started, I refused collecting anything from him. Because I love to be independent. He complained a few times and stopped. It was when he got too comfortable and started expecting me to cook for him with my hard earned money that I took a break and gave myself sense.

He later gave me one of his credit cards. And I guess I got too comfortable because this morning he actually insulted me about the money he's spent on me. That's not even up to N100,000 oh. This man makes me very unhappy all the time because I feel he doesn't love me and I am just an option. My life is so miserable these days. I rarely smile.

I have lost a very huge amount of weight. I want to leave, but I don't know how. It would kill my parents because we've almost reached the peak of sealing our relationship, court and bride price has been settled. But my mind is not at peace. I'm just genuinely tired.

Take a deep breath, close your eyes and remember that this is not a dead situation yet. You are alive, you have the freedom to make your decision and let who care know your reason for opting out.

From your mail, I saw two individuals who want to get married but they are both strangers to each other.

One goes about confessing love to every single lady that he comes across, and one is busy competing to meet up with her independence creed, at least to prove a point to him that his money is nothing to her.

The real challenge is that they are married but they are strangers, no friendship, no companionship, no fellowship, only a man and a woman who feel that they are ripe for marriage and as such have done the basics to be married.

What's the worst case scenario? She tries to forge ahead with the marriage and the competition and probably crash in the middle of her marriage. She loses her esteem, her worth, and possibly her dignity and she gets to the point where she feels the marriage is not working, then she bows out with her child or children.

She may decide to walk away from the marriage, and her parents feel bad for one week, one month or one year, but she leaves with her sanity, her peace of mind, and her vision intact.

She may decide to pause the marriage and work on the friendship in her relationship, she learns that she is not competing against her partner, she learns to appreciate his little efforts; learns to confront issues as they are and then communicate with respect and courtesy. He learns to respect the emotion of his wife, treat her as a human not an object with a price tag, then learn to communicate more with her and connect with her needs. And they are both happy together, and that produces a peaceful home full of love and mutual respect for one another.

In the end, if the friendship is not worked on, the marriage will remain a struggle for you, and one day you may reach your breaking limit.

Whatever it is you are going through in your relationship, always remember that you have one golden buzzer called CHOICE. This buzzer will always save you from suicide, depression, or death, and you do not need the understanding of anyone to use this buzzer.

Do not under any circumstances live under the shadow or expectation of anybody, if you feel that it is not working, you have a choice to either fix it or walk away.

I believe that if the friendship is worked on, you will enjoy your time with him, else it is safer to walk away than to suffer with many regrets.

Before I forget, you are not about to seal the relationship, you are both legally and customarily married; perhaps you feel otherwise.

So look inward and ask yourself some vital questions about your expectations in life, in your man, and in your career, then decide whether it is worth it to continue with him or to move on with your life.