October 6, 2010

The fundamental tenet of BDSM play is “Safe, Sane, Consensual.” This isn’t Ma Cherie’s Kink U* so I’ll sum up:

Don’t kill each other.

Don’t be too drunk or under the influence of other, ahem, substances to make rational decisions.

Respect each other’s limits.

SSC came to mind when Baby Face Rooney became the nth guy to ask me for head. He’s only the second one to use the excuse that he can’t get hard without it, but that’s a topic for another time. (Seriously, women and gay men, how unpleasant is it to have in your mouth a soft dick you have to resuscitate with your tongue?)

I can’t even be easy on Baby Face for being 21 and asking me that. Future Doctor is in his 30s and he asked me a couple of times.

Oh, haven’t you gotten the memo? I don’t give head.

Yeah. I said it. There are plenty of men who don’t go down on their women and they don’t get half the grief I do. I have tried to tell the men not too early as to risk not having sex (or getting dinner paid for, don’t judge), and not too late as to almost get jabbed in the eye by a runaway penis before screaming, “I don’t do that!” (Yes, it happened, and I did not get raped or beat as I thought might happen due to the look on the drunk guy’s face as he tried to comprehend why any girl would refuse it.)

Aversion has nothing to do with it. I love feeling the flesh of an erect member in my mouth, the smooth head rubbing the roof of my mouth, my lips running up and down as my tongue draws the alphabet over every part of his cock. I love sucking cock. I love sucking cock so much that I get painfully stimulated and wet. I love sucking cock but I won’t do it without caveats.

Now we come back to SSC. SSC in BDSM boils down to safety precautions. SSC blowjobs originate from my desire for emotional as well as physical safety.

Safe. As a free agent in this sexy city of mine, I have an active sex life. Even if that means I have two partners in one month, that’s still two partners who are not monogamous either. Do I want to give head to every single guy I date? Eff no. Why is it a given, and especially without a condom? I offer to give head with a flavored condom or even a non-lubricated one. Is it the same? Heck no but I dont want pre-cum from every dick I come across. It’s not safe.

Sane. Now, in my right mind (giggle, chortle) I make good decisions about the company of men I keep. When it comes to blowjobs, let’s keep it reasonable. I am not going to fall for the line that you can’t get hard without one. You are assuming that I signed up for the job of your fluffer, and honey, you are so mistaken. The fact that you ask me for that reason makes me question doing the deed with a capital D with you, bringing to mind another D word: douche.

Consensual. Okay, any oral sex I’ll give is going to be with my consent barring any predetermined rape fantasy scenarios, and even that is still consensual. The real issue here is choice. I am choosing to make you worthy of my physical intimacy. I do have some pleasure from it, but essentially oral sex is a gift from me to you. Do I want to give that to just anyone? Do I want to have any regrets after I discover you are a dickwad? At least with sex, I can say I got something out of it.

Now in my life I consider oral sex a gift of mutual respect, as in you better respect me as I serve your needs and I respect who you are as a person.

When I was still a virgin eons ago in a galaxy far, far away, I went down on my high school boyfriend because I thought I loved him. Oral sex was a token of my love and affection, not just pleasure. In those early years of discovering sexuality, I don’t think I was concerned about pleasure as much as feeling connected. Maybe some of that still resonates with me as an adult and why I can’t have continuous, rampant casual sex for very long as much as I love sex.

Wow. Who knew when I started writing that I would get so romantic about a blowjob. That’s who I am, I suppose: the romantic nympho. (Don’t take me too literally, I’m not trying to get stalked here.)

*P.S. I heart the Logo Channel.

Ma Cherie (@CherieDAmour) is in the market for a boy/girlfriend, kinky sex partner, willing slave, and sugar daddy, though not necessarily in that order. When not working as a dominatrix, Ma Cherie is cruising online dating sites, hitting up fetish parties, and regularly pleasuring herself. Unironically, her favorite song is “Kiss With A Fist.”

We're your creatures, putting to words things to inform you, amuse you, educate you and move you. Be nice to us, we already have a cruel mistress in our editrix. We say that with love, of course, we do love her whip.

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That Steam allows the objectification and sexualization of female characters in a variety of its games but refuses to accept a game about actually engaging with women in a more interactive fashion is astonishingly backward.

That the site doesn’t take measures to protect user content and has shown incompetence or negligence in regard to user privacy, all the while prohibiting victims from warning others about predatory behavior creates an environment where it is nearly impossible for members of the community to take care of themselves and one another. By enabling FetLife to continue espousing a code of silence, allowing the spinning self-created security issues as “attacks,” and not pointing out how disingenuous FetLife statements about safety are, we are allowing our community to become a breeding ground for exploitation.

Should people who benefit (parents, siblings, children, roommates!) from the earnings of “commercial sex acts” (any sexual conduct connected to the giving or receiving of something of value) be charged with human trafficking? Should someone who creates obscene material that is deemed “deviant” be charged as with human trafficking? Should someone who profits from obscene materials be charged with human trafficking? Should people transporting obscene materials be charged with human trafficking? Should a person who engages in sex with someone claiming to be above the age of consent or furnishing a fake ID to this effect be charged with human trafficking? What if I told you the sentences for that kind of conviction were eight, 14 or 20 years in prison, a fine not to exceed $500,000, and life as a registered sex offender?

If you are a woman, you might be given a chance to prove yourself in this community. Since there is no standard definition of what a “geek” is and it will vary from one judge to the next anyway, chances of failing are high (cake and grief counseling will be available after the conclusion of the test!). If you somehow manage to succeed, you’ll be tested again and again by anyone who encounters you until you manage to establish yourself like, say, Felicia Day. But even then, you’ll be questioned. As a woman, your whole existence within the geek community will be nothing but a series of tests — if you’re lucky. If you aren’t lucky, you’ll be harassed and threatened and those within the culture will tacitly agree that you deserve it.

Zak’s original field, it turns out, is economics, a far cry from the hearts and teddy bears we imagine when we consider his nickname. But after performing experiments on generosity, Zak stumbled on the importance of trust in interactions, which led him, rather inevitably, to research about oxytocin. Oxytocin, you might remember, is a hormone that has been linked previously to bonding — between mothers and children primarily, but also between partners. What Zak has done is take the research a step further, arguing in his recent book, The Moral Molecule, that oxytocin plays a role in determining whether we are good or evil.

Let’s talk about the strippers. Whether they like to be half-naked or not, whether they enjoy turning you on or not, there’s one thing they all have in common: they’re working. Whether you think that taking one’s clothes off for money is a great choice of career is really beside the point (is it a possibility for you to make $500 per hour at your job without a law degree? Just asking). These women are providing fantasy, yes, but that is their job. And as a patron of the establishment where they work, you need to treat them like you would anyone else who provides a service to you.

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Sex and the 405 is what your newspaper would look like if it had a sex section.

Here you’ll find news about the latest research being conducted to figure out what drives desire, passion, and other sex habits; reviews of sex toys, porn and other sexy things; coverage of the latest sex-related news that have our mainstream media's panties up in a bunch; human interest pieces about sex and desire; interviews with people who love sex, or hate sex, or work in sex, or work to enable you to have better sex; opinion pieces that relate to sex and society; and the sex-related side of celebrity gossip. More...