1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Bubba,

Big'un, Duke, Slim, & me went for more ammo and beer. Be back in less than an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad.

I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. You'd think as big as he is, he wouldn't have felt threatened.

Anyway, I put all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.

Cooter
P.S. If the Boa constrictor comes out from under the house, don't pet him. He ain't ate in over a week and he's startin to get that look in his eyes again.