A Highschooler’s guide to getting candy on Halloween

1) Agree to go shopping with your mom for once in your life and ‘accidentally’ add an extra costco-sized bag of candy to the cart, insisting there are lots of kids trick-or-treating on your street this year.

2) Find a non-threatening costume (Note: do not dress up as a lazy high school student.)

3) Put some candy in a bag or plastic pumpkin (we all know you used one as a kid) before you leave so that people don’t think they’re the only ones giving you candy.

4) Go to a busy street once it gets dark. Don’t go too late though, bedtime is 8 o’clock.

5) Find a group of young kids to pretend you are trick-or-treating with. Avoid parents at all costs.

6) Once you get to the door, don’t say anything. Your post-puberty voices will make them doubt their decision to give you candy. Do not make eye contact and make sure you have your poker face on. Those parents can smell fear. If you can’t keep a straight face, get a mask; again, something non-threatening like a Telatubby or Dora the Explorer.

7) Resist the urge to grab 3 or 4 pieces of candy at a time. Your fellow teenage trick-or-treaters will despise you for it. Tragedy of the commons, everybody. (#APES)

8) With the time allotted, switch into one of your spare costumes and repeat steps 1-7 as many times as possible.

If you aren’t certain this guide will get you sufficient amounts of candy, find a way to disconnect your doorbell (or if you aren’t as talented, tape a plastic cup over it). It will surely increase the amount of candy in your household at the end of the night. If all else fails, get a job and buy your own candy.