YYYAAARRRRR I was givin a new recruit the lowdown on bein a pirate t'other day. He were a young lad of obout 12 what we pressed ganged as he came out of Scouts (they be handy them scouting lads...none o me crew can tie a knot between em!).

I sits im down in me cabin and let im ave a stroke of me parrot 'Ugly Jim'. I pours im a Tankard o grog to calm is nerves and I starts givin im me usual spiel.

'As ye got over the blow to the head yet?...the double vision will go when we're out on the open ocean (just in time for the sea sickness to kick in). I sees ye's got all yer legs, arms an eyes, well don't worry ye'll soon fit in with the rest of us...there be shark wrestlin every Wednesday, general swashbucklin in a Spanish Port once week (weather permitting), Keel Hauling for beginners every Monday and Cutlass practise every evening after Fish Head Stew. Ye'll be risin through the ranks in no time at all me hearty. Just like me First Mate Jeremiah...he started life as a Bilge Scrubber like yerself and look at him now...'

...at that moment Jeremiah happened to be standin guard at me cabin door...I say standin, he as a bit of list to starboard since that grape shot blew most of his right side off, his eyes be sharp though, I say eyes, I means eye...an that eye was moved up onto his forehead when he got hit by a fallin mast...YYARRR he be really good with his hand though...tis amazen what he can do with only the one finger and alf a thumb...

I heard a splash...I don't know what came over the lad, just when I was gettin goin with me motivational talk...he jumped out of the porthole!

The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.