TRIBUTES are being paid to Scotland this morning after the entire country laughed itself to death.

Small groups of volunteers from Berwick-Upon-Tweed and Carlisle ventured north just after midnight only to find houses full of dead people gathered around still blaring television sets.

By dawn, as RAF helicopters flew over deserted city streets, it was clear that the whole country had suffered a catastrophic abdominal rupture...

Moving tributes are already being placed along the Scotland-England border with many mourners opting to leave a simple bag of chips or a deep fried bunch of flowers.

Yes, not proud. I actually felt - and, so long as I don't spend too much time thinking about it - still do feel rather sorry for the poor old English. Their newspapers and television pundits deserve every misery of course, but the average English football fan is a decent, if somewhat lugubrious, cove who knows full-well that England are not an especially good football team. They deserve better from their players and leaders.

For what little it's worth I'd hire Fabio Capello to take over. He at least knows what he's doing and has a better track record than any of the other plausible candidates. I offer this advice in a constructive spirit, unlike Alan Hansen who, I assume, must be working undercover for England's enemies since he seems to think Alan shearer is a sensible choice.