It is the year 2137. Brexit has still not happened. Theresa May is still prime minister

18th October 2018

MORE than a century into the future, the UK is still waiting for the EU to come up with a creative solution to the Northern Ireland border.

Theresa May remains prime minister, apparently cheating death with her pathetic personal ambition. Meanwhile a cyborg Jeremy Corbyn is still Labour leader despite 122 years in opposition, which does not seem to bother him.

Time traveller Martin Bishop said: “The media continues to act as if important news on Brexit is due any moment now. We’re not sure why because the last person who voted for it died in 2106.

“Nonetheless, all parties agree the referendum result must be honoured. Britain is still haggling over fishing rights, even though fish have evolved and formed their own country which is doing well as part of the EU.

“The EU now includes Russia, Japan and the Antarctic Federation and has just concluded a summit in its giant space station. Brexit, the 413th item on the agenda, was not discussed.

“Unfortunately we still have to put up with Boris Johnson because he lives on as an artificial intelligence synthesised from his Telegraph columns.

“Michael Gove is still waiting his turn too, although he’ll be an unusual prime minister because he’s mutated into an immortal slime mould colony.”

‘Suggestion noted’ thinks cyclist approaching red light

18th October 2018

A CYCLIST approaching a busy city crossing decided to regard a red light as advice to bear in mind rather than an order to stop.

Wayne Hayes, 24, appreciated the helpful suggestion that he might want to come to a halt, given that it was rush hour and traffic was heavy, but declined to do so.

Office administrator Hayes said: “I think it’s great that the government has set up this non-mandatory, advisory colour scheme at crossings.

“I can see how it’s useful for inferior cyclists, like older men, children and women. But elite riders like me – skinny, lycra-clad, essentially Bradley Wiggins but better – can exercise our own discretion.

“Others might want to consider putting their brakes on as a juggernaut bears down from the left approaching its own green light, but I am an incredible judge of speed and distance.

“What we really need is a public information film for pedestrians who thoughtlessly step into the road just because they see the green man.

“They could call it Think Once, Think Twice, Twat on a Bike Approaching.”