I won't be graduating

Hi, I'm Max, 19 and just about to graduate from school. I don't know if anybody will read this very big post but I just felt I wanted to speak my mind at least a little.

Today I just got a letter from the last university I applied too. I didn't come in. I didn't manage to get into any school at all so I don't have anything to do after I graduate. The future is looking pretty grim at the moment, I barely know my class despite going to school for 2 years with them so I don't really have any friends. I'm not even sure if I will be able to graduate, I have some 15 essays I need to turn in and I've been skipping school completely the last 1 & 1/2 month. I'll be graduating in about a month.

All of this sucks and I'm almost a little embarrassed of giving the classic "I'm unemployed" reason but all of it is actually bearable by itself. What makes me quit is how long I've been more or less depressed and how I'm constantly judged all the time. Especially in school. Everybody expects me to keep a perfect schedule and have discipline enough to do hours of homework each day. The problem is I can't do it. Yes I know I'm lazy. If only I turned in my homework, if only I wrote down all that is happening at school so I won't forget, if only I would dispose my time and do x hours of homework, practice the cello etc. But I don't. The reason is probably just my laziness. I wish I had discipline, but I don't. I hear the phrase "just do it" very often but I don't have control of myself. If I could "just do it" I would never have been in this situation to begin with. I realize I have some kind of problem but regardless I seriously can't do any of that schoolwork.I can write this ridiculously long post, I can kill myself, but I can't do the work for school.

It's especially difficult in my current school where we students are supposed to take more 'responsibility'. I'm supposed to keep track my constantly changing schedule, I only have a few classes and not too rarely I will have one early in the morning and one late in the evening (takes forever to get to school). I also have to turn in essays and attend seminars all the time, find a time together with my fellow students in the subject, prepare, plan etc.

The problem is just I can't do it. I fail miserably at life and I'm extremely stressed without actually doing anything. Now I don't consider myself a problem child who sleeps in class, smokes skips class for his own leisure but I have a tendency of not doing homework (at all), and I also go down totally from time to time and skip school (like now)

The times when teachers bring me in for a "serious talk" is horrible. It's fucking mental torture. I'd prefer a torching poker in my side any day to having a talk about how I fail in school with a teacher. Last winter when I broke my arm people in school accepted missed deadlines perfectly fine however normal days when I miss the deadlines and feel completely devastated I'm just a lazy class skipper. I find it weird that people think that way, at least to me some physical pain is no problem at all, it's easy to fix and it's just a signal from the body anyway, it doesn't affect the ability to work much. When teachers talk to my parents is also one of those things that makes me feel sick. Calling them or bringing them to a "serious meeting" with me. I'm having these "grave talks" with teachers all too often, it's become part of my time in school. At least now I'm a little more grown up so I can stand it better but when I was younger I was completely in my teachers hands who could patronize and humiliate me and I could just sit and nod in agreement.

I would say I lived a happy life as a child but after puberty things started going downwards. Partly school started demanding more of me and partly I suppose it had to do with puberty. I had a raging depression during puberty when I would cry, go to sleep extremely early because I wanted to just sleep through my life. I refused to speak to my family until they threatened my with a psychiatrist.

I was depressed and for several month but it was different from these past few years, it was much more impulsive and extreme, I felt there was no joy in the world, I couldn't see the light by the end of the tunnel. Now I'm not even sure if I'm depressed anymore, I realize I'll graduate in about a month, I enjoy myself sometimes. Things might get better as I grow older. My suicidal thoughts were also different when I was younger compared to now. I didn't actually want to die, just make everybody realize how terrible I was feeling, even if I had to put my life on the line.

Now however I don't care anymore. I just want to get away from everything. I don't care if my mom will miss me, I don't bother to think about what reasons makes me fail at school and have a life full of depressions. I realize life goes on and I might find happiness after I graduate but I've been going for so long now and I feel so empty and tired. I want to rest. I just want it all to end. I just want to die.

sounds like you are not over the depression, only that you are experiencing it slightly differently than last time. it would explain your lack of motivation, your suicidal thoughts, skipping school.

you should go and see your doctor. anything you say will be treated with confidentiality so you don't have to worry about what your parents will say, if that's a concern. your doc can recommend medication and possibly therapy.

the important thing is to not act on your suicidal feelings. that would be the wrong thing to do, because they are being caused by a chemical imbalance. once that can be fixed.

my brother, you were born into a world that's hurtin big time, they schools don't educate, all they teach the people is lies. mostly. it's a big scam buddy, don't feel bad that you failed at something that is trying to take advantage of you and exploit you. most of our parents can't teach us enough to get along in a system they fell for. most don't even have the time. don't feel bad for not wanting to do something you actually don't have interest in. i think passin school has more to do with managing the bullshit then doing the work

Now however I don't care anymore. I just want to get away from everything. I don't care if my mom will miss me, I don't bother to think about what reasons makes me fail at school and have a life full of depressions. I realize life goes on and I might find happiness after I graduate but I've been going for so long now and I feel so empty and tired. I want to rest. I just want it all to end. I just want to die.[/QUOTE]

Those lines really stood out to me. Possibly because they relate to my own situation in a way, I'm not really sure. Exams are a huge changing point, and I know mine are making me think about what happens next. However, exams aren't all there is in the world. Sure, they play a huge part in the world today, but my friends Dad left school with no qualifications and they are doing great. Don't get me wrong, I know it's not that easy these days, but a friend of mine didn't make it to his exams. He had those talks with the teachers (and so have I, so I totally get that it's not nice) and now he's off being a chef somewhere in london after a few years cause he got a job in a pub somewhere.

What I'm trying to say is, you've got to give yourself a chance. People can support you, but you have to put one foot forward, even if you don't see a reason to. I know it sounds cheesy and all, and I've been at that ''realisation'' point for nearly a year now. I'm not saying I feel the same way, because your situation is slightly different, but what you said really stood out to me. I'm not some authority figure that's going to tell you how to live your life, you've had more life experience than me. You're right, life does just go on. Sure, we may each just be another person... which is exactly why you're an individual. If you don't fit in with the crowd, it's up to you be something even better. You're already one step there. Someone once told me 'It's the best people that have the toughest road; no one else could do what they do'. I get the whole 'not fitting in' thing though. I mean, I was the weirdo with neon hair for a long time. I have problems with emotional attachment so it never bothered me much (probably adds to my situation at the minute but oh well..)

It's a big wide world out there, apparently. You're probably a great person, so i hope something great comes your way. Even if we don't graduate
Apologies if this wasn't much help :/ What I've written has been honest and with the best intentions