I want this to be my "Fight Song" - it speaks volumes to me. I pray that one day I really will be able to sing it with my life.

I wrote this in my journal today - *Rick I love you. I believe you would have me fight thru all this. You know me good enough that you know I will always love you, I will always miss you. There will be tears on my face for as long as I have breath. Because I love you. And I miss you. But you also know me good enough to know that I just cannot give up You are waiting on me - your wife, your woman. And you have told me to just take my time. Thank you Sweetheart. I love you.

There will be moments that I sing the Fight Song. And there will be moments that I just let it sing over me. God, help me in all the moments of this life. Always Trusting in Jesus.

I love you Rick. I love you God our Father.

"Fight Song"

Like a small boat On the oceanSending big waves Into motionLike how a single wordCan make a heart openI might only have one matchBut I can make an explosion

And all those things I didn't sayWrecking balls inside my brainI will scream them loud tonightCan you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight songTake back my life songProve I'm alright songMy power's turned onStarting right now I'll be strongI'll play my fight songAnd I don't really care if nobody else believes'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

And all those things I didn't sayWrecking balls inside my brainI will scream them loud tonightCan you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight songTake back my life songProve I'm alright songMy power's turned onStarting right now I'll be strongI'll play my fight songAnd I don't really care if nobody else believes'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

A lot of fight left in me

Like a small boatOn the oceanSending big wavesInto motionLike how a single wordCan make a heart openI might only have one matchBut I can make an explosion

This is my fight song (Hey!)Take back my life song (Hey!)Prove I'm alright song (Hey!)My power's turned onStarting right now I'll be strong (I'll be strong)I'll play my fight songAnd I don't really care if nobody else believes'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Sigh.Sometimes I think about coming here and writing ... and then I don't.I'm not real sure what to write anymore.

This blog and website was started as a way to share what Rick and I were going thru. And now? Rick is at peace ... he is at rest. I am not.Just how much do you want to read over and over again - that I love my husband, that I miss him like crazy???But this is my life now, and it is what I am going thru.

My days are spent ......helping teach 2 of our grandkids in homeschool, guiding them in their studies, reading aloud with them ......being on Facebook - a member of support groups for widows and widowers. I am finding a commonality there that I never wanted, but so thankful for! It doesn't take the pain, grief, sorrow and loneliness away - but it does make me realize that I am not alone in this journey....reading my Bible - it is my Strength, my Hope. Rick and I read the Bible individually and together. We talked about the Bible a LOT. I miss that. I still read the Word ... still pray ... But I miss the sharing and talking....writing in my journal. Talk about writing a book! there are days that it seems all i do is write!!!!! it is my safe place - where i cry, pray, remember, love on Rick, miss him like crazy....trying to find something to work on each day that will ease the pain of this grief. it's hard tho. my attention span doesn't seem to be very long anymore. and what interested me 2 days ago no longer seems to hold the same for me....yesterday, i started a lap quilt. Made from some of my momma's quilt pieces, and quilt pieces cut from Rick's favorite shirts. I made the top and pinned it to the blanket - Rick's favorite blanket, the one he covered up with when he was cold, or didn't feel good, or was just plain oofie....i love to read - but i have a hard time concentrating long enough to finish a book....i have started coloring - using it for therapy. It works some ... helps to find a focus for me.

My nights ... well ... those are my very own.The first 3-4 months i didn't sleep much, at least not every night. I would sleep 1-2 hours, be awake for 3-4, just a hard cycle. I think a big part of that was not only being alone for the first time EVER - but it was having been so used to waking up every couple of hours to check on Rick and the dialysis cycler. Then, i would have one night out of 4 or so that i would absolutely crash - and i would sleep.And now, 188 days later, 6 months into this - i sleep more at night. Now i seem to sleep 3 hours and be awake an hour or two. i snuggle with the T-shirt quilt i made from Rick's favorite T-shirts. I cry myself to sleep - sometimes as i go to sleep, sometimes after i have slept a while and then wake up. I spend a lot of hours in the night time thinking and remembering my Sweetheart, my Soul-mate, my Love.

Every day and every night seem to just simply blend into one another. There are moments here and there of laughter, of peace. A smile will come ... but then, so do the tears. I am slowly, so very slowly, finding my way thru the grief. I hope. There are those breaths that the grief, sorrow, and loss are gut wrenching. And when that happens, i just breathe. I very literally focus just on taking this breath and only looking far enough ahead to take the next breath.

God is so good. He is awesome and wonderful. My soul cannot be downcast within me - He has been so good and so merciful to me. He is worthy of all worship and honor and glory and praise. I love Him so much!!!!!

Life is hard. Everyone has their own private struggles and valleys to walk thru. I cannot say that my valley is darker or longer or harder to walk thru. I cannot say that I have it better than someone else. Rick and I have been thru struggles and trials that tested us beyond what we ever thought we could have endured. And this valley - being Rick's widow - this valley, I have no more words to describe it. I never thought that the old song about having to walk the lonesome valley alone was so true. But it is. There are those who walk along side of you in that valley ... but no one can walk it for you.

I am just realizing more and more that the God of angel armies is always by my side. Without Him, I could not breathe.

When Rick died, and I became his widow - I did not know just how lonesome this valley would be. I had no idea what all I lost in that last breath that Rick took. He was my lover, he was my husband. He was my friend - my very best friend. He was the one who held me when I was hurting or sick. He was the one who scratched my back, and rubbed my feet. He was the one who looked at my owies, and opened his arms when the oofies came. We did everything together. We cooked and we cleaned together. We ate and watched TV together. We didn't have "his" shows and "my" shows. We had OUR shows. We enjoyed the same kind of movies - from westerns to chick flicks. When we read a book, we read the same book - so that we could discuss it. We went just about everywhere together - Walmart, garage sales, junk stores, auto parts stores, out to eat ... and the list goes on. It was OUR life - TOGETHER. And now? I have lost half my laundry ...I don't know how to cook and not cook for him ... How do I buy groceries? What do I like, alone? Yes, this is a lonesome valley.

I thank God for my children and grandchildren. Were it not for them - I think I would just lose it completely. But they make me smile, and giggle. They listen to me talk, and wipe a few tears away - or cry with me. They have gotten me out of the house ... and given me a reason to get up and get dressed every day. Angel ... Joshua ... Dessie ... Elijah ... Brooklyn ... Shell ... Kyla - thank you. I love you. I hope you will always know that I love you, that you are the breath that I breathe.

I thank God for all those that call me "momma" or "grannee" - they are the ones who call me, text me, show up and surprise me. They are the ones who tease me and just love me - like I am. Even on the messy days- when the tears come so easy.

I have been told many times in the last couple of weeks to "smile" to "not be so serious". Told by well meaning family and friends. Told by even those who understand the pain and deep sorrow of grief. I am not offended by their words. But ... I do smile. It's just that the light is not there in the smiles. Rick took that light 176 days ago when he left. I know that he is in a better place - he had been thru so much, and endured, the last 3 years, and especially this year. But even in knowing that he is in that better place - I know he also has the light of my smile with him. Will I ever have it again? I won't ever have that light again. There may come a light back into my smile - when the darkness lifts. But ... My heart, my mind, my life - IS serious right now. Learning to live without my Sweetheart. Learning to make decisions. Learning to make choices. Learning to breathe - all without the Love of my heart. Life is short - I know that all too well. I do not worry, I am not afraid. But there is a somberness, a seriousness, a heaviness - not one that I hold on to, it is just here. I do not fight against the grief and sorrow. I will experience it. I will survive it. God will see to that. I am determined to live this life the best I can - so that God is highly honored and well pleased with me. I am determined to live this life so that when I get home, Rick will open his arms, take me to himself, and say - "you done good, girl".

On Facebook there is a "on this day" that pops up ever so often on my feed. Today, the link to this blog post came up - and I went back to read it. Wow. Has it only been 5 years ago??? I think about how our whole life felt like it was falling apart that morning 5 years ago - as I sat at the computer and wrote these words, I tried hard to keep my eyes on the road ahead. I was exhausted from the tears and the cries to God. I really thought things would be better ... but now, looking back - I realize that this was the beginning of the end of all that was "normal" and "right". But I still thank God for the almost 5 more years I had with my Sweetheart, with the Love of my life, with the light in my smile.

I don’t know how many “waves” a storm can have … but we are experiencing the first of what will probably be many in this season of our life.We have been hanging on – sometimes by only a frayed thread – for 2 years now.

Ever since Tasker Products, Inc. closed its doors.Best job Rick had ever had – good and sound one day, the very next – gone.2 cents of advice?Don’t EVER go to work for a “publicly traded company”!!!When the stock market crashed, so did the company, so did our lives.

We have been in a downward spiral now for 2 long hard years.Today … we see the “end” of these 2 years … and HOPEFULLY a new beginning.

(Praying with all my might that it won’t be worse!)

We are packing and loading today … moving our stuff into the old homeplace in Sulphur Springs. The house is not ready to be lived in … so, we will “camp out” at Rick’s parents’ place for a while.A while being however long it takes to get the old house ready to stay in.Which will be determined a lot by the job market in that area.Frustrating how it takes money to do anything!!!I will be sad to leave this little house in Selden, TX.Kurt and Vickie have been absolutely awesome landlords. They have treated us more like family than like renters.Rick and I have had a lot of good times here in this little house – with just us, with Josh and Dessie, with our grandkids, a New Year’s Eve party with Josh and Dessie and Mandy and all the grandkids.Many walks around the driveway and down the country road.Many an hour spent in prayer and reading the Word – and God has taught us some invaluable lessons here.I guess you never live in a place that you don’t leave a part of your heart and self. Sigh.We have had some bad times here, too.Arguments and sick days.But, that’s life.

I will miss our church. Double N Cowboy Church. I will miss Jimmy (our pastor). He has a true pastor’s heart.I will miss Damon – what a heart for God!I will miss Marjorie – quickly becoming my best friend.I will miss Rose – always had a smile and a hug.I will miss Sue – always a hug and a laugh.So many I will miss.I will miss the worship services – hearing “our band”.I will miss the laughter and the teasing of everyone.I will miss the rodeos.I will miss it all … the tears are flowing hard this morning as I think of all that I will miss.A part of my heart will stay wrapped up in that piece of land 6 miles outside of Dublin, TX!!!

So many things I will miss about this part of Texas … so many memories of our times together, and our times with the kids and grandkids.My heart feels like it is in pieces this morning as I sit here in the early morning hours … 3:13 a.m.

I am trying to be strong – especially in the daylight hours.Rick is having a hard enough time with life right now … he doesn’t need to deal with a wife that is “falling apart”. Sigh.So, I breathe in and breathe out during the long days … and I cry and pray thru the long and dark nights.Waiting for the storm to pass … wondering what will be left.Rick’s parents are coming today with their pickup and trailer.We will load 2 pickups and 2 trailers and we will drive away.Hopefully, driving TO a continued life and more memories.

Rick has said that he feels burned out in looking for a job.I can understand.In these 2 years, we have lost count (somewhere around 300 ?) of the applications and resume`s he has sent out.Few if any call-backs.So, where does he look now?We will be searching within 50 miles of Sulphur Springs to start with.Just need something that will pay at least $400 a week.We won’t have any rent or house payment at the old house – but there is plenty of money that needs to be spent to get it in shape!Plus all the other bills and utilities and food and fuel.Sigh.

There have been a few paychecks these 2 years … but nothing that was “lasting”.Nothing that we could be sure and count on for the next one.We are empty. We have used even the “fumes”. This really is a beginning again. Our bank accounts are as empty as our hearts and minds.

No one knows the pain of my heart and soul … how do you put it all into words without sounding like whining and complaining.I don’t mean it that way.I’m just weary and tired – beyond all words or descriptions.Finding it hard to even pray.

I love my husband.I love my children.

And I absolutely adore my grandkids.It is for them – that I continue to breathe in and breathe out.They are the wind beneath my wings.

After much thought, many prayers, and a bucket load of tears - I got up this morning, and got dressed. Some will not understand. Sadly, others will. Praying for those who do not understand - that you never will. Praying for those who do understand - I am sorry. ((((()))))

Losing my heart, the one who was the light in my smile .... I am struggling to find me, and to find the direction and purpose in me just getting up each morning. God is my reason for living ... He is my Breath, my Hope, my Peace. He is my Strength and my Courage.

I am so thankful that God does more than just know me as I am. He understands. He loves me. Just as I am. He knows the struggles I am having. He accepts me just as I am. His Grace is greater than all my sorrows ... His Grace is greater than all my struggles. His Amazing Grace ...

I am at Joshua and Dessie's, now. And God has blessed us with having the Internet laid into the house this week! Hughes Net worked on Tuesday to get it up and going. Thank you God. I know that many people still do not like the Internet, and many more have different opinions about it. But for me, especially now in this season of life - I have come to lean on it. I have joined several support groups for widows, and I miss them when I can't "be there" at least once a day! They understand all the swings of my emotions.

After many prayers, much discussion, and batting it all back and forth - Joshua and Dessie made the decision to pull Shell and Kyla out of public school and have home school. It was a decision that was sealed when Kyla came home in tears after being bullied by not only other kids on the bus and at school, but bullied also by teachers. It is something that they have struggled with for several years now, but this year - enough was enough was enough!I have told them that I would do all I could to help. We have read and prayed and wrestled with this for so long, and even more this week.We will be using an ecletic style of homeschooling - which means that we will use more than just textbooks and a computer. Shell and Kyla have been talked to, and will be talked with over and over again - that life is a school, there is learning to be done in everything. And if you cannot learn something in what you are doing, take a closer look - and either figure out what you can learn, or do something else!Prayers appreciated.

We have started a website to share with anyone about our journey and adventures in home school ... Miss Crazy's Life School ... the grandkids picked the name. I have NO idea where they got this! LOL

I will be continuing to work on this website, and to write. Writing seems to work as my therapy, but then, it always has. Rick wanted me to write a book - said he wanted to retire on the sales of the book and just ride his Harley. ~I miss him so much!!!!! I will also be working on quilts, and scrapbooks. I found a gallon Ziploc bag over 1/2 full of undeveloped rolls of film. In the process of getting them developed. I should be picking up the first 3 rolls this weekend. Interested to see them - it has been so many years since I had a camera that used that kind of film.

Thinking about beginning the Sourdough Bread again. First I have to make the starter. It has been a long time since I made bread. But it was something that we enjoyed a lot. I used to help Momma make it, and then I made it for years. These last few years it just didn't work for me to even try. But now? I have the time, and the room. Probably don't need the bread - but thinking it might be a good outlet for some of the stress - I can beat IT! LOL