I went through the “Trump vs” spoof posts and picked the one I liked best. I’ll post one section a day but if you want to read ahead or start at the beginning I have the links at the bottom and top of each post to the previous and next installments. This one began back in March 2018.

VPP – Sorry to interrupt Mr. President, but you haven’t screamed my name looking for me since before you left on your trip. I was wondering if anything was wrong.

PT – You know Pence, it’s not always all about you, you know. Maybe sometimes I call other people up when I need something. That is possible isn’t it?

VPP – Well, sure, I guess. But I have grown accustomed to your early morning summons, so you know, I was just kind of surprised by the quiet.

PT – Yeah, well, don’t worry I’ll make sure and let you know when I need you. Now go ahead and get your first morning nap before you get cranky.

VPP – Alright Mr. President, goodbye. (as he goes to close the door on his way out he sees that President Trump is once again talking on the phone)

PT – Yeah, I got rid of him. Honestly, I don’t know why I hired him but mistakes can be corrected.

Scene 2: Outside the First Lady’s Office in the White House later that day. In front of the door Vice President Pence and Secretary Mattis meet up.

JM – Hello Mike.

VPP – Hi Jim. Were you called here too?

JM – Yeah, what’s it all about?

VPP – Well, the way things have been going around here only a fortune teller could know. (he knocks on the door)

MT – (calling through the door), Come in Mike and Mad Dog. (they enter and close the door behind).

VPP – Hello Melania. Good to see you again.

JM – Good afternoon First Lady.

MT – Hello Vice Mike and Mad Dog, please sit down. The reason I have summoned you is because Schmoopey is acting very strange.

JM – And by “Schmoopey” ma’am you mean?

MT – Ah, forgive me. Schmoopey is the pet name that Donald and I use for each other. It is a Seinfeld reference, is it not?

JM – I wouldn’t know ma’am. Jerry Seinfeld is some kind of hippie, I believe, so I’ve never seen him on the television.

VPP – Melania, could you be a little more specific about the President’s behavior. Opinions may differ on very strange.

MT – He is obsessed with Kim. That is all he thinks about all day.

VPP – Melania you must be wrong. When Kim Kardashian came to the White House that was just a public relations event. She means nothing to the President.

MT – No Vice Mike. I mean that fat little psychopath Kim Jong Un. They talk all day and night, laughing and joking. And the more he talks to Kim the scarier he gets.

JM – Ma’am, what do they talk about?

MT – They talk about making their enemies disappear. Someone must stop this.

VPP – Melania, I’m sure the President is just pretending to be Kim’s friend to get his cooperation.

MT – I do not think this is so. Schmoopey has been very angry with the Fake News. I think he is looking to get the revenge.

JM – Ma’am, what can we do?

MT – You must break the evil spell that holds him captive.

VPP – Melania, we’ll help the President. Don’t fret.

MT – Thank you gentlemen. Now I must get back to my memoirs. Goodbye.

Scene 3: That night; White House Teleconferencing Center, President Trump sitting in front of a teleprompter with Kim Jong Un’s image projected in front of him, Mattis and Pence entering from behind him.

PT – So did you really boil the entire Nork Press Corp in honey and feed them to bears?

KJU – You bet you I do! And then I feed bears to sharks. Very, very funny.

PT – Well, my short fat friend, you certainly have your own style. But I’ll settle for results. Did I tell you how I eliminated sixteen rinos without firing a shot?

KJU – Ouuuh, rhino horn good for the rub rub.

PT – Maybe, but these rinos had already had their horns and their genitals removed before the event.

VPP – Mr. President, may we have a word with you?

KJU – Donald, these dogs are interrupting us. Have them fed to sharks!

PT – No Jung Un the sharks are already full, besides I still need these servants for a little longer.

VPP – But Mr. President, that’s besides the point. If you stoop to their level, they win.

PT – If you do blah, blah, blah they win? Who do you think I am, W? Mike, you and Mad Dog convene the Cabinet for a special meeting. I want to get the whole team’s ideas on some of Jong Un’s “special techniques.”

VPP – Mr. President, why don’t we start with just the three of us? I’m not sure Jeff Sessions would survive it.

PT – Yeah that may not be a problem for much longer. Okay, let’s get down to brass tacks. Sessions isn’t going to do anything about the mess in the DOJ or Mueller. My friend Jong Un sent me plans for his built-in shark tank. I have it installed under the floor in the White House basement and whenever I want a problem to go away I invite the “problem” for a heart to heart chat and a stroll around the basement and before you know it the problem is a just a greasy residue to be filtered out of the tank water.

VPP – Mr. President, that’s monstrous!

PT – Would that count for Joe Biden?

JM – Hold on Mike, maybe we should hear him out.

VPP – No! Not even for Creepy Uncle Joe. Look you are just allowing yourself to get swept up in the whole Caligula thing that Kim Jong Un has going on. Remember how that worked out for Caligula himself. Or Nero, or Hitler or any of those other psychos.

PT – Well Stalin did alright.

VPP – But this is America, it’s not the Soviet Union yet. Look at it realistically. If all your enemies start mysteriously disappearing, like they do around the Clintons then you’ll be treated the same way they are. Everyone will fear and hate you. You’ll never get re-elected and after you die your corpse will be desecrated.

JM – They might call you Crooked Donald.

PT – Never thought of that. That would be bad for the Trump brand. Alright, you’ve convinced me, no shark tank. But I have to say, you guys are nowhere near as much fun as Jong Un.

VPP – And I have some more bad news for you. You’re gonna have to break off your bromance with the short fat maniac.

PT – No way, he’s fun and he’s got a great head of hair.

VPP – Yes, way. Melania is very upset with you and if you don’t straighten up she’ll bolt.

PT – Schmoopey? I can’t have that. Okay, you win, I’ll break up with Jong Un. But you guys are gonna have to raise your game. If I get too bored I’ll have to reconsider the shark tank.

(Seated across from each other at a small conference table are First Lady Melania Trump and Vice President Mike Pence)

MT – Help me President Vice Mike, you’re our only hope.

VPP – Of course First Lady, but please calm down. It can’t be as bad as that.

MT – Oh, it is much, much, worse. Schmoopey has grown bored with me.

VPP – Schmoopey? Is that your dog?

MT – Schmoopey is my pet name for Donald. You know, your boss.

VPP – Ah, yes that’s right, the name you call each other.

MT – Yes, and he hasn’t called me that in a week. And at night he brings books to bed, books without pictures. And he has a yellow highlighter. And he has stopped tweeting.

VPP – Stopped tweeting? You’re right. This is serious.

MT – Help him Mike. Help him to be Schmoopey again.

VPP – First Lady, you can depend on me. The nation needs that indomitable spirit and free-tweeting, devil-may-care attitude to save us from the giant white pantsuit tyranny of Hillary Clinton.

MT – Yes Vice Mike, you are a great friend, even if you will not shut the door when we are alone.

VPP – Sorry, ah, force of habit.

Scene 2 – White House West Wing, Oval Office, same day 10 am

(President Trump at his desk, dictating a letter to his secretary, while Vice President Pence is seated in front of him.)

PT – Hold on a second Mike. I just want to finish this thought.

(dictating) … In conclusion, President Kim, I will agree to remove all American troops from Korea and provide the two trillion dollars in aid if you promise that afterward you will return the money and allow the return of our troops if after a year we are dissatisfied with your progress. It will be as you called it, your version of the Amazon.com service guarantee.

Yours sincerely,

Donald J. Trump

VPP – Oh, Mr. President, we’ve got to talk.

PT – Mike, old friend, what seems to be the problem.

VPP – Mr. President, something’s wrong, you’re not yourself.

PT – Oh well, it’s that procedure I went through with Brett Kavanaugh. When I decided to exchange temperaments with him I never realized how liberating it would be for me! Why I feel so relaxed and sane.

VPP – But sir, the Democrats are hammering you in the press and without your patented Twitter counterattacks your message isn’t getting out and your poll numbers are sinking.

PT – Well, you know what they say, sticks and stones. Wouldn’t it be better to win in the eyes of the best and brightest? I mean for all we know they’re right.

VPP – But Mr. President, Mueller is sure to see this as a sign of weakness and he’ll subpoena you for sure.

PT – Well what of it. I have nothing to hide and if I have committed any offenses shouldn’t they be exposed to the judicial light of day and adjudicated fairly and honestly?

VPP – Mueller? Fair and honest? ……….. Hey listen, you numbskull, I didn’t sign on to be Ford to your Nixon. We’re gonna reverse that brain drain and get you back to the evil reptilian genius that we all know and love.

PT – Well okay, but there’s no reason to shout. Just let me get my sweater, it’s cold down in the bunker you know.

Scene 3 – Vice Presidential Residence, 3 pm same day

(Vice President Pence is sitting in the living room with Brett Kavanaugh)

VPP – Thanks for coming Justice Kavanaugh and congratulations on being confirmed to the Supreme Court.

BK – Oh, that. Yeah, well, I changed my mind. Being locked up with that Ginsberg mummy until she keels over doesn’t sound like a laugh riot anymore.

VPP – But what will you do?

BK – I’m considering Mixed Martial Arts. But there’s also a combat role in Kurdistan that caught my eye so I don’t know yet.

VPP – Well, that sounds great. But just to show there are no hard feelings the President and I want to invite you to a farewell party. It’s at the White House tonight.

BK – Sounds like a snooze.

VPP – Well, Ronda Rousey’s gonna be there.

BK – Sold!

Scene 4 – White House Bunker, 11 pm, same day

(President Trump, Vice President Pence, three white lab-coated technicians, a platoon of marines and Defense Secretary James Mad Dog Mattis are inside the closed bunker door. Loud techno dance music is blaring and a disco ball is spasmodically turning near the ceiling.)

VPP – Alright does everyone know their parts?

JM – It seems clear. You answer the door and when he steps in my marines overpower him and tie him to the chair. The technicians apply the electrodes and the transfer proceeds.

PT – But what do I do?

VPP – Oh go sit in the other chair and keep quiet.

PT – Fine, but you don’t have to be all mean about it. Geez.

VPP – Alright quiet, I see him coming in the camera. Places!

(Pence opens the door and hands Kavanaugh a drink and ushers him in.)

VPP – Brett! Good to see you made it.

BK – Mike I can only stay a few minutes, can Ronda go for a ride in my Porsche?

VPP – Get him!

(With some difficulty, the marines overpower Kavanaugh but eventually he’s tied to the chair and outfitted with the electrodes.)

BK – Pence you rat! I’ll get you if it’s the last thing I ever do. I’ll shred you with my bare hands. Your own dog won’t know you!

VPP – Hit the switch!

(The procedure ends and the two men are slumped in their chairs.)

JM – Did it work?

PT – Where am I? Hey untie me you boobs. I have a treaty with that little maniac Kim to renegotiate. Two trillion dollars? He’ll pay me two trillion dollars.

BK – Where am I, why am I dressed this way. Oh boy, I said some things I shouldn’t have, didn’t I.

PT – Calm down Kavanaugh. It all worked out fine. Don’t get your judicial robe all in a knot.

VPP – Welcome back Mr. President.

PT – It’s good to be back Mike. But, by the way, I remember everything you said. Numbskull? That’s gonna cost you Mike.

Scene 1: White House West Wing; 8am Friday; First Family living quarters

PT – Schmoopey! Schmoopey! Schmoopey where are you? I need your help more than ever before.

MT – I’m right here Schmoopey, do not despair.

PT – Schmoopey, this is a national emergency, Twitter has banned me.

MT – Schmoopey, is this indeed an emergency? Twitter seems to me to be not an emergency.

PT – Of course it is. Without my twitter feed how will I get out the truth? The failed New York Times and fake news networks will lie unopposed and Americans will fall into panic.

MT – This is true. How can I help you in the saving of the nation.

PT – I need an idea to force them to restore my Twitter account.

MT – But you are the great leader. They must obey or you will crush them like ants under your giant feet.

PT – Sadly, that is not how it works. Apparently, the US government is not allowed to assassinate US citizens except if a Democrat is President.

MT – Too bad. That would be convenient.

PT – You’re telling me.

MT – Yes, I am telling you.

PT – (sighs heavily) … Anyway, I can’t do that so I need a good idea to fix this.

MT – You must speak to the very wise men of government. President Vice Mike and the Mad Dog.

PT – You’re right again Schmoopey, those guys have been sleeping on the job long enough. I’ll put a fire under them and get something useful out of them for a change. After all I can’t do everything all alone. And I’ll get Putin and Kim Jong Un working on this too.

MT – Get them, get them. Make them fix this. Go Schmoopey, you are truly wonderful, Mr. Leader.

PT – Okay, so that’s the problem. I’ve been banned from Twitter and I have to get back on. What are my options.

VPP – Mr. President, what seems appropriate is a strongly worded editorial in the major daily newspapers, the Times and the Post, declaring the unfairness of this decision by Twitter.

PT – Low energy, Pence. Next.

KJU – Nerve gas attack on Twitter owner’s dog. Get message across with small gesture.

PT – Interesting, but let’s hold the nerve gas in reserve right now. There’s a whole treaty about that sort of thing plus PETA can be a bear to deal with when they get antsy. Next.

RVP – The correct play is hack their servers and block all other feeds but yours for two weeks and then demand a billion dollars in cryptocurrency to restore their service. Plus special forces should occupy the first three floors of their headquarters and annex it to the Russian Federation.

PT – Also interesting. But none of that annexing jazz. Americans are pretty attached to the territory.

RVP – Suit yourself.

PT – Next.

MDM – Mr. President, I think I’ve got an idea that should provide you with the short-term ability to get out your message and long-term will force Twitter to restore your account. And my plan has the added advantage that it allows you to work within the confines of the US Constitution and all other applicable US laws. Plus, no humans or dogs will be terminated.

KJU – You must really be mad dog if you so picky about nerve gassing them. You big baby.

RVP – Why so boring Mad Dog?

PT – Kim Jong Un, Vladimir, thank you for your help. If we need a backup plan I’ll be in touch. (the images of Putin and Kim disappear but not before Kim flips Mattis the bird) Alright Mad Dog you put together your team and Mike try to be helpful to the team. You know, I can’t do everything myself!

Scene 3: The following Monday evening; The Set of the Rachel Maddow Show; Rachel Maddow is at her desk and facing a large television screen on which appear the various guests she interviews.

RM – Hello everyone, we’ve got our usual line up of inspiring progressive stories and tragic conservative stories but before anything else we need to jump onto the biggest story of the week. Donald Trump has been banned from Twitter, permanently! I’ve assembled a panel of brilliant and objective thought leaders to objectively explain to you why it’s perfectly reasonable for Twitter to decide that Trump is too racist and evil to be allowed to tweet. My first guest is an esteemed former Republican and originator of the bow tie and glasses look that I myself envy so much, the estimable George Will. (Will appears on the screen looking both pompous and ill at ease at the same time)

GW – Thank you Rachel. And if I may preface my remarks with a quote by the great Negro League pitcher Satchel Paige, “Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood. If your stomach disputes you, lie down and pacify it with cool thoughts. Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move.”

RM – I believe that is cultural appropriation.

GW – If it is, I’ll warrant I can lay it at the feet of the Trump presidency or hacking by Putin.

RM – Probably. Okay, continue.

GW – What Satchel said about fried foods is the advice that Twitter is acting on. Trump is the irritant like the fried food and Twitter has removed it and that will pacify our blood and give the nation cool thoughts.

RM – That’s fascinating coming from a conservative.

GW – Obviously, Rachel you’re still working under the fallacies of the old paradigm. After the conversion to the new Will paradigm shift all of these seeming paradoxes disappear. For instance, under the old fallacious viewpoint my opposition to the Republican president would appear to be unconservative. But once you shift your point of view to the Will perspective you realize that real conservatism is what you find on MSNBC. Real conservatives conserve the values that thrive in the new conservative universe. The universe of Twitter and Facebook. And once you embrace this new knowledge you realize who the real leader of the conservative movement truly is, Hillary Rodham Clinton.

RM – I always suspected as much.

(suddenly a federal emergency interruption flashes across the screen and a warning announcer speaks)

WA – We interrupt this broadcast to bring you this important message from the President of the United States.

PT – Rachel Maddow is a nincompoop who really needs a better haircut and wardrobe. Very unfair and fake news. Also, very boring and unattractive.

WA – That concludes this warning of the emergency broadcast network. We return you to the regularly broadcast program already in progress.

RM – What the (bleep) was that?

GW – Apparently Donald Trump has lost whatever tenuous grip he had on reality and is now satisfying whatever impulse his id dreams up with complete …

(suddenly a federal emergency interruption flashes across the screen and a warning announcer speaks)

WA – We interrupt this broadcast to bring you this important message from the President of the United States.

PT – George Will is a pompous doofus who couldn’t play golf on his best day but pontificates about it endlessly. His breath is horrible and he farts on TV all the time.

WA – That concludes this warning of the emergency broadcast network. We return you to the regularly broadcast program already in progress.

GW – What the (bleep) was that? (Will disappears off the screen leaving a test pattern in his place.)

RM – We seem to be having technical difficulties but let’s bring on the next panel member, Rosie O’Donnell.

(O’Donnell appears on the screen in an outfit that resembles a slightly tight fitting burlap sack.)

ROD – Hello Rachel. It seems like it’s been a long time since you invited me on the show but let’s stay on point. Donald Trump is a dangerous maniac and removing him from Twitter is the least that can be done to stop him from destroying the world and even the universe. He is responsible for global warming, ozone depletion, overpopulation and hate crimes against all at risk groups.

(suddenly a federal emergency interruption flashes across the screen and a warning announcer speaks)

WA – We interrupt this broadcast to bring you this important message from the President of the United States.

PT – Rosie O’Donnell is undeniably the worst human being to appear on the View and considering how awful most of the broads on that show are that’s saying a lot. She is so filled with rage that in order to transport her to events she must first be put in the Hannibal Lector restraints with the mask and straight jacket and the two-wheeler. And she’s gotten so fat that she can no longer bath indoors but instead needs to be hosed down outdoors in the Bronx Zoo elephant paddock. But the elephants must first be removed to avoid panicking them. Hello Rosie.

WA – That concludes this warning of the emergency broadcast network. We return you to the regularly broadcast program already in progress.

ROD – (bleep)ing Trump I’ll (bleep) (bleep) the (bleep)ing (bleep) (bleep) (bleeeeeeep)!!! (Rosie is last seen attacking the camera with her teeth then the feed goes dead followed by static.)

RM – We’re going to take a break now and go to commercial when we come back I’m sure we’ll have all this sorted out. (once the cameras stop Maddow drops her head to the desk and sobs uncontrollably.)

Scene 4 – White House Bunker, Teleconferencing Area, Tuesday 6pm, President Trump sitting at the control board of the audio-visual system watching various feeds from the network and cable news shows and scribbling down some notes for his announcement rebuttals. Next to him is a very tired and disheveled Mike Pence.

VPP – Mr. President I can’t even think straight anymore. It’s been more than twenty-four hours since we started this. Can’t we take a break to sleep.

PT – Not yet Mike. We’re very close. I can tell they’re ready to cave. I heard Jim Acosta is in the rubber room over at Washington General Hospital. Apparently, he wandered in saying something about not being the enemy of the people.

(the phone rings and Mike Pence answers it)

VPP – Mr. President, it’s the CEOs of Disney, NBC-Universal, CBS, Time-Warner, Netflix, Amazon and the Home Shopping Network. They want to surrender unconditionally. Well except for HSN, they want to see if they can extend your subscription for three years at a really good rate.

PT – You tell those nitwits that the only way I’ll stop is if they reverse my Twitter ban and reinstate all conservatives they’ve banned in the last four years.

PT – Hey Mattis, I make the jokes around here. You’re the straight man.

JM – Well then, let’s just say I don’t handle psy-ops. But if you want my opinion, tell him to resign. It’s not like things are going to get easier anytime soon.

PT – And they say I’m the prick.

JM – All due respect Mr. President.

PT – Alright, get the hell out and send in Sessions.

(Mattis leaves and a few minutes later Jeff Sessions enters.)

JS – Mr. President, how can I help you?

PT – Jeff, we’ve got a problem. Mike seems to have reached his limit.

JS – Mr. President, we’re all under enormous strain. Maybe Mattis is right and you should encourage Mike to step down.

PT – Yeah but it’s different for Mike. I’ve kept him out of the loop on a lot of what goes on behind the scenes so he won’t be vulnerable to attack by those psychopaths under you. Because of that all this stuff looks completely fubar. Plus I need him on deck in case they get me.

JS – Good points. Alright, what do we do?

PT – I don’t know, I think I’ll try to talk him down off the ledge. But I may need some shock and awe. See if you can come up with a plan.

JS – I’ll get right on it.

Scene 2 – Same day, outside the Vice Presidential Mansion. President Trump and two secret service agent standing in front of the door. President Trump pushes the intercom button.

(There’s no answer from the intercom and a minute later Mike Pence comes to the door. He has a three day growth of beard and is wearing a sweat suit.)

VPP – Look you maniac, don’t you understand I’ve had all I can take. Insulting volatile world leaders at the brink of nuclear confrontation, paying off porn actresses, endlessly quarreling with reporters, business leaders, Congress and your own employees. Not a single day goes by that you don’t fire someone or threaten to fire someone. You vacillate back and forth between contradictory positions on everything from gun control to tariffs to illegal immigration. And then there’s the Mueller thing. Which is it? Are you going to fire him or is he going to send you to jail? I have had it. I’m starting to become psychotic myself. So just leave me alone. I’m taking a vacation and when I get back I’m going to resign.

PT – Hey you two guys go over by the car, I’ve got something to say to the vice President that you can’t hear.

(Secret Service agents move away.)

PT – Mike, everything you say is true. Under a normal politician none of this stuff would be happening. Most of the earlier Presidents like FDR, Kennedy and Bush Senior had their affairs hushed up by the FBI. Only Clinton got outed because he was an outsider. But in my defense all of my stuff is from way before I was in the White House. And other than you, there’s probably no one in Washington who doesn’t have his skeletons.

VPP – Well, actually that’s true Mr. President, but…

PT – And with respect to Kim Jung Un and Assad, wouldn’t you say that my approach, while bombastic is actually more effective and honest than what the last four Presidents have done?

VPP –Well yes, I guess that’s true, but…

PT – And with respect to quarreling with leftists, was the appeasement that W or his father employed more or less successful than my confrontational style?

VPP – Well sure, but…

PT – And has my stutter step rhetoric made it possible for me to more or less avoid some of the traps like the Dreamer Bill and any major compromises on the budget?

VPP – Yeah, but…

PT – And as far as firing people, wouldn’t you admit, considering what we’re doing right now, that working for me can’t be done by many people and leads to high attrition?

VPP – Huhh. Hmm. You’ve got a point.

PT – Look Mike. I’m not pretending that I’m normal. I am a maniac as you said. But when you have to kill cancer you don’t use chamomile tea and sugar. You use radiation and deadly poison. Think of me as chemotherapy. And if I fail the patient dies. The country dies. So cut me some slack will you?

VPP – Sorry Mr. President, I guess I lost my nerve.

PT – No were right. This is no country for old men. But there are some perks too.

VPP – What do you mean?

PT – Well I had Sessions look into some kind of small win for our side, something to cheer you up. He found some more dirt on McCabe and we got him to turn on some of his old buddies at the Bureau. That may be what I need to get Mueller to call it quits.

VPP – Very rational and measured it sounds to me. Good work Mr. President.

PT – Yeah, and he’s agreed to appear in a dunk tank on tv and let the All Star pitching staff dunk him up to ten times in jalapeno sauce dressed in a speedo with the words I’m a ratfink liar stenciled on his chest.