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I know many of us find unicorn hunting annoying and sometimes even insulting, but please remember that many-a-poly persons were introduced to polyamory in this way. For you and for me, it may be old and cliche, but for them, it is often a very big and scary step on their relationship path. So, while it is fine to be irritated, we can still refraine from being rude and condescending towards them. Direct them to information rather than representing the poly community as a group of elitists. We want more people to feel like consensual non-monogamy is an option, and they should be able to come to us for questions without being subjected right off to poly politics.

When I see a unicorn hunting post, I (as a lassoed unicorn) usually just ask them to remember that the person they are seeking is a human being with their own wants/needs/desire for love/etc - not just a novelty to spice up their sexual relationship, or a puzzle piece to complete them.... I think that can get lost sometimes in the excitement of getting into poly.

Maybe someone needs to write a thorough article about this, aimed at these newbie poly folks looking for unicorns. There is one article that people seem to frequently link to when this comes up, but perhaps it's a little too critical, and someone needs to write one that treats these people a little more gently so they read the whole thing instead of clicking away when they get annoyed with it.

As a person who has been strongly wondering if she is a unicorn, thank you for this message as well. Being super new to poly, I had always thought that MFF triads would be a more common form, rather than such a mythical one.

Really? I would have thought that a (single or otherwise unattached, as that's kinda necessary here) "hot bi chick" by itself would be a relatively rare thing, given that not much of the population is bisexual, and not much of the population is "hot" past the age of 25, at least here in America (it's probably different in Europe where people aren't so obese).

Then, trying to find one of these people who "clicks" with not just one, but both members of a couple, has got to be a difficult task.

There are as many types of poly as there are poly people. There are open relationships, and closed relationships (polyfidelity; closed triads or quads). There are people with 3 primary partners, people with no primaries and only secondaries, people who don't do "hierarchy" poly at all (everybody equal). There are people who co-habitate with all their partners (whether sexually involved or not), and people who live alone, and visit partners on alternate weekends. There are poly people with only one partner, or none, or a dozen, or have a monogamous (but poly friendly!) partner.

So please, please, don't go looking for a specific type of relationship configuration -- just look for people, and let things develop naturally, let them find their own level. Trying to force a relationship to fit into a prescribed label is the quickest way to sabotage it.

You'll have enough work cut out for you finding one person to bond to on a primary level, let alone two people, let ALONE finding two people who are ALSO bonded to each other on a primary level. This is why the whole "hunt-for-a-hot-bi-female-babe-who-will-have-hot-sex-with-both-of-us-and-babysit-our-kids-and-help-with-the-housework" is so problematic. If it happens, it happens, but it's like winning the lottery, so it's generally best to not pin your hopes on it.

This is an interesting topic of discussion I think. The reason for the unicorn not being male is probably either because there's far more bisexual women than men, or because truly bisexual women are far more likely to admit to it (either to other people, or even to themselves) than truly bisexual men, many of whom may be in denial. It's pretty hard to make any conclusions either way, but I do think it's safe to say that, regardless of the actual population numbers, society is much more accepting these days of female bisexuality than of male bisexuality.

Ok, but only half of our society (maybe slightly less, as once you get over 30, females become a majority) is male, so what about the female perspective? It's not like females have no input into society's overall opinion on matters, especially with Oprah being as popular as she is. I think it's a little more complicated than this.

MFFs are actually very common, not mythical. It really bothers me and offends me when people think they're so difficult or mythical, and I think there's a lot of sexism in that assumption. It's difficult in general to have a working relationship with three or more people, just because of compatibility issues.

There is some debate about this question. The term "unicorn hunter" can mean a couple who has a specific role in mind and is looking for a person, as SapientSlut says, to be a novelty or puzzle piece to complete them. (And a "unicorn" is the magic, perfect person who would complete them.) This is generally considered to be a bad thing.

On the other hand, sometimes any couple looking for a woman for a triad is referred to as a "unicorn hunting" couple. (Under this use, any bi girl wanting to join a couple would be a "unicorn".) I dislike this use of the term, and some people find it offensive: it has some sexist baggage accompanying it, and it doesn't distinguish the good from the bad.

The way I see it, unicorn hunters are people who don't treat others with respect, and a unicorn is a nonexistent perfect person who fits all your needs and never has any of her own. I think it's offensive and sexist to generalize that to all bi girls willing to join a couple.

Thank you. I'm a bisexual girl who is interested in potentially joining an established relationship one day, and all this talk of unicorn hunting and unicorns and the vicious feelings towards it have kinda made me recoil a bit. I'm a big girl, if I think that someone is wanting me as a toy or a novelty and I don't want that, I know how to walk away. I know some people might not, but I don't like to be grouped with a derogatory term, as it were.

Thank you, for swimming against the flow and pointing out some important stuff.

You're welcome! I think a lot of bi girls have been slammed with emails from disrespectful couples, which is how it started.

I don't think people are against triads that are respectful and happy. I do think there's some sex-negativity in terms of straight guys specifically being criticized for wanting to have two partners into them and each other. Unfortunately, there is still a stigma against male sexual fantasies; they're often seen as immature or unrealistic.

For me personally, I think a triad would be fun, and one of my girlfriends really wants one, though I think it's also important to be open to other possibilities as well and not to force things: date people individually, be open to her having other boyfriends or girlfriends without me, me having other girlfriends without her, and other shapes like quads or pentagons. :)

All that is true. There's a bit of a backlash towards guys that is sexist in its effect on both genders, when it comes to fantasy and desires, assuming that because it doesn't line up with traditional female desires and fantasies it's something way out there or impossible.

But yeah. I don't want to close myself off to opportunities, and I want to try lots of things, but at the same time, I would like to try a triad. Without people hating me for submitting to stereotypes or some such nonsense.

I am a unicorn hunter, but that that does not mean that I perceive the unicorn as a trophy. I see absolutely nothing wrong with a couple that is looking for a woman (or a man) to form a poly fidelis triad. My wife is bi and wants the touch of a man and woman. Our first relationship was a triad, and after she left we looked at all of the dynamics of polyamory and came to the conclusion that that is the only dynamic that interested us. It seems offensive to me that we get told that we don't understand polyamory, or that we need to work on our marriage, or that we just need to grow up. So what if we enjoy and desire the threesome......what's wrong with that?

TL;DR Why are unicorn hunters chastised for seeking what they want?

Edit: when I say i am a unicorn hunter, I simply mean that my wife and I are actively looking for a closed triad, or at this point a triad that is not necessary closed, but committed. I also see that there is more astigmatism related to the term unicorn. But the point that I try to make here, is that just because a couple wants a woman to complete them, does not mean that they view the woman they are searching for as a means to fulfill a fantasy or as a sex toy, or that they think that a third will fix their alleged marital problems.

I think that initially, unicorn hunters are more chastised for the tiny mold they expect the unicorn to fit into. If Husband wants her to be short and like video games, then wife wants her to like cooking and running, and both want her to enjoy rock climbing and be willing to be a secondary--the rules stack up fast, before you've even met the person.

That said, I've seen it done that some people go from disliking that type of unicorn hunter and extend it to frown upon all triads, which, in my opinion, is unfair and slightly offensive. I've just grown to try to ignore those that seem innately negative, though.

There's nothing wrong with wanting what you want, but I think a big part of it is that you're not pushing outside of your comfort zone.

What I see is you having come up with a role that is safe and unchallenging, and now you're looking for someone to "fill" the shape of the hole you have in a way that you believe will not challenge the relationship you have.

But someone new will change the dynamic. How will you deal with a real person what you've written is about a role that should be filled, rather than describing an opportunity for another person to come into your lives and enrich them by adding another point of view to your relationship?

But the whole point is that unicorn hunters get chastised for hunting a unicorn. That would be just as bad as someone being chastised because their dream car is a black '69 Corvette Stingray. Or someone that prefers redheads, and doesn't find overly tan bleach blondes attractive. What we are looking for is someone to develop an emotional relationship with, in hopes that they turn into a lifelong partner that we would enter into a legally binding contract with (for two person relationships thats referred to as marriage). You make it sound like we are looking for someone that is single, 5'4", likes video games, likes to cook, is ok watching the kids, doesn't like horror movies, is expected to have sex with one or both partners at any given time regardless of whether or not she is in the mood, likes to drink, doesn't smoke, is of a particular race......etc, and if she doesn't fit that exact mold then then she is a wast of our time. When we are searching for a "unicorn", we are searching for a woman who is willing to enter into a committed triad. Nothing else. Yes, comparability will play a part in whether that triad stands the test of time, but that comes with any relationship, and those are things that are explored during the relationship, not a requirement to enter into the relationship in the first place. So we don't expect every woman to turn out to be the perfect unicorn, but we will never find her if we don't look right? Hence the term hunting. So when we say we are looking for a unicorn, we aren't saying only women that meet these expectations need apply, we are saying come date us and let's see where if you turn out to be what we are looking for and just as importantly if we turn out to be what you are looking for.

It's not the hunt that offends people I think. It's that they've objectified the object of their hunt to such a degree that they're not looking for a real person.

People aren't cars, right? But even if we go with that metaphor, maintaining a classic car ends up being far more work than you expect. I've had friends who've bought and sold their dream-car for that exact reason. But at least the car wasn't emotionally damaged in the transaction...

So you are saying that a woman can get hurt by entering into a relationship with a couple, only to find out that she isn't really what the couple is looking for.....but how is that different than a woman entering into a relationship with a single man, only to find out that she is not what HE is looking for. I still don't understand why a couple is despicable for looking for a woman to fall on love with. Is it less despicable for one or the other to enter into a relationship with a woman on their own in hopes that that woman will eventually fall in love with the spouse? And then when she doesn't then tell her sorry you aren't what I'm looking for? If I were the single woman in question, I think I would prefer to know what the true goal is up front.

One of the big differences you might be overlooking is the fact that hunting a unicorn CAN involve trying to bring a formerly monogamous person in the new, huge, scary world of poly. Only to be objectified and treated like chattle.

The difference between being hurt by the couple and being dumped by the average male would be the amount of new territory. Entering into the poly world is very new, intimidating ground for most people who've grown up with the instilled belief of monogamy. Taking such a large risk, not only with your own emotions, but in terms of being socially accepted and pushing your comfort zones only to be discarded because you don't meet the cookie cutter image the couple has made for you can be quite a large emotional trauma.

And don't forget the general intimidation of realizing that in MANY (again generalizing) conflict situations, it automatically becomes you vs. the couple because their bond existed before you joined. The dynamic situation can become very messy no matter which way the conflict unfolds.

I'm not saying you're wrong, or that I'm right, it's just food for thought.

And on the other side of things, I certainly need to rope in my preconceived disdain for Unicorn Hunting because that in itself is a problem I have with poly. My past experiences and own conceptions of poly don't jive with everyone and sometimes I feel myself becoming an elitist, something which I do not care to be.

I'm saying a couple can hurt a woman looking to bring someone into a relationship under limited circumstances, and only within that limited context that is deemed "safe".

You'er assuming that I'm saying all couples are wrong for looking for a third. I'm not. How they're doing it is what's important. What they're willing to accept is important. If they think it's going to solve or fix something everyone is going to be unhappy.

And yes, anyone who wants a partner to fix them is going to end up with the same sadness.

And this is train of thought making an assumption that a couple looking for a woman to form a triad is trying to "fix" their marriage. Is it so unrealistic to think that a happily married couple could desire another woman to join their marriage and make it even better? My whole point is that when we say we are looking for a single woman to join us in a committed triad, we get the response of: "you are looking for a unicorn, so obviously your marriage is falling apart and you want me to come in and fix it for you. How dare you treat me like a piece of meat" It just seems to me that the general assumption is that a couple looking for a triad is undoubtedly looking for a woman to fix all their marital problems or that we are just looking for a quick threesome or that we have unrealistic expectations.

Edit: I think the main thing that I am trying to say is that I don't see any difference between a couple looking for a girlfriend and a single person looking for a girlfriend.

Anything is possible, but you may have to work a bit to overcome those assumptions when you're coming into a forum like this one.

And this is just me, but your defensiveness and attempts to defend the concept of unicorn hunting and your relationship against some generic ideal of the woman you're looking for, rather than describing how you're moving beyond that aren't making me regret or re-think my preconceptions.

Sorry if that seems like an attack, but why do you need another triad? What if you were just looking for love?

I don't mean to be defensive, just understood. I have to admit here, that my initial mistake was with the use of the term "unicorn". I have never used the term as apparently most people do. We are looking for something that is very hard to find. If you use the term unicorn as someone that is nearly impossible to find that connects with both partners of an established marriage perfectly, then yes, that is what we are looking for. We are looking to date in order for everyone involved to grow into that perfect triad. We aren't looking for someone with the expectation that they will conform to our needs and desires. And it's not so much that we need another triad, we desire another triad. That is our ultimate goal. What I will defend, are the couples that are looking for a triad, that have the best intentions and motivations at heart, that get labeled as unicorn hunters in the negative sense. That the assumption is made that they see the third they desire as a trophy, or a toy, or a fix to marital problems.

I totally understand. What bothers me is that it's considered to be "safe" from the male point of view, and so ends up as a sort of default. I often wonder if the women involved wouldn't really be open to a more "open" (ie, more than one penis) arrangement if they were asked.

I think that there is a difference between a couple looking for a girlfriend, and a single person looking for a girlfriend, and unicorn hunters, but mostly on the condition (which you haven't stated but many couples would consider to be one of 'their' rules) that she not date outside the couple. The reason for this is that initially, at least, the couple are more connected to each other than the third, and hence have more comfort and power in the relationship.

A distinction I've seen between people like you, who are a hetero-flexible couple looking for a bi woman are just looking for a third, whilst unicorn hunters want to capture and keep the unicorn to themselves, which is abusing their extra power.

I mostly lurk here, so if I've got this terminology wrong I apologize.

I think a better metaphor would be an extremely expensive car, like a $400k Lamborghini (then again, I have no idea what a '69 Stingray is worth, maybe this already fits). Someone may lust after such a car, but he knows that it's extremely unlikely he'll ever get that car with his $15/hour job at a call center. But that doesn't make it wrong to have a picture of that car on his wall.

I think most adults can tell the difference between lusting after something you'll probably never have the privilege of getting/achieving, and taking that desire to an unhealthy level where you actively block out very good opportunities in life because of this unrealistic desire. Not all can, however.

There isn't anything wrong with poly-fi triads. There's a semantic problem here in that people usually get called unicorn hunters only when they do think of the unicorn as a trophy. The term gets used in a few different ways.

I'd suggest no longer thinking of yourself or referring to yourself as a unicorn hunter. Just say that you're interested in meeting people, looking for a triad, and open to possibilities.

Also, I don't think it's fair to meet new people as a couple, personally. Meet them one on one.

This makes sense, and we do try to stay away from the term unicorn. We just say what we are looking for. It just irritates me when a woman makes the assumption that since we are looking for a triad, then we are the type of unicorn hunters that consider the unicorn to be a trophy. As for meeting people as a couple, I think it makes more sense. I would think the romantic prospect would want to know both people she is getting involved with, instead of getting involved with one, only to find out she can't stand the other down the road. Now with all of this being said, we have broadened our search to include the V and z dynamics, but we are still hopeful to find the poly-fi triad. But only because we have spent several years looking for said triad and have come up short. And by short, we mean that we have never gotten to the meeting in person stage, much less to the dating stage. have had quite a few email exchanges, but for whatever reason the person we are talking to just stops communicating before we have a chance to get past the "hello, let's get to know each other" stage

I understand what you're trying to say here, but honestly, I think it's fair for a lot of people who have gone through a huge journey to feel a little offended when someone shows up looking to use their hard won journey and community as a way to fulfill what is really (at this point) a fantasy.

That said, it's worth coming up with a standard response that may both dissuade them from thinking this is the "easy" and "safe" way, and start them down the path to truly discovering what it means to being sex-positive and non-monogamous.

And I'm not saying "don't feel offended." I'm saying, "Be nice." I am a former unicorn hunter who has been poly for almost 4 years now....but when I entered polyamory, I WAS that person looking for the "lucky lady" to join me and my husband and not for a minute did I think there was something wrong with it, or about all the politics behind it... I just thought, "I'm bisexual and I really miss women, how can I experience this while not betraying my spouse?" Only after I really started gaining education about poly (by coming to places like r/polyamory and joining other poly forums/groups) did I start to learn about why Unicorn hunting can be offensive or annoying to polyamorous people. Luckily, no one was an asshole to me, but I wonder if I'd be where I am today if I got some of the responses I've seen on here. I probably would not have wanted to be part of this community. And I know that most people in the community are wonderful and kind-hearted. I just wanted to remind everyone of that.

I feel the same way. My triad started naturally and when it ended, I came here and didn't know what to do. I was very gently dealt with and educated and I also wonder if I would have hung around if this subreddit hadn't been so nice to me.