Friday, April 15, 2016

A Whole Lot of Bitches Talkin' Shit

In a previous blog entitled, "This is the Song That Never Ends," I proposed a bill to change the presidential nominating process. Once my bill is passed – and Tom Brokaw gets with the program – primaries, caucuses and conventions will be things of the past. CNN and Tom Hanks will make documentaries about them. These documentaries will look interesting and you’ll record them. You’ll watch them and be disappointed.

In the meantime, primary season is coming down to the wire and everyone is trying to win the remaining delegates except for John Kasich. No one is really sure what the hell he's doing. I think his plan is to hang around and hope we'll eventually believe he's the president like some kind of party crasher. Some guy shows up at your party and you think he's your roommate's friend. She thinks he's your friend. You don't figure it out until after the party when you ask your roommate not to invite that weird guy over anymore. His campaign slogan should be "The Weird Guy No One Invited For President." It's way better than his current slogan, "K for Us."

Meanwhile, Donald Trump is pissed because Ted Cruz bothered to learn the primary rules and thereby, managed to pick up delegates in Louisiana and Colorado. Only a cheating liar would prepare for a presidential election. (And fuck you, Donnie, for making me defend that Muppet Asshole, Ted Cruz.)

Lack of preparation runs in the Trump family. Both Eric Trump and Ivanka Trump won't be able to vote for their father in the New York primary because they failed to register as Republicans on time. They were registered as Independents and apparently had no clue New York is a closed primary. They would have known that if they'd ever voted in a primary before, but in their defense they just moved to New York on the day the were born. Ivanka attempted to explain this on CNN by claiming New York has some of the most onerous voting laws in the country. I personally don't see what's so onerous about registering on time, but I'll give Ivanka a break. She has a lot on her mind. She recently had a baby and her father is trying to date her.

Everyone has a problem with election rules during an election. Our election process needs to be reformed, but you can't change the rules in the middle of the game. Before the election would be a good time to work on changing the election laws. For example, before this election, voter ID laws were passed in many states. Not only does this address the problem of voter fraud, which doesn't exist, it allows thousands of Americans to be disenfranchised like the Founding Fathers intended.

Since I've already solved the nomination issue, it's time to take a look at the electoral college. I believe the electoral college must be dissolved. Although, this puts me in a bit of a quandary. I believe we should be choosing our leaders with the popular vote. However, I also believe the Founding Fathers were right not to trust the general public because Donald Trump. We need to stop the stupid from voting. They are fucking up America.

I am proposing we pass a bill to prevent idiots from voting. I'm calling it The Irregardless, Conversate and Nother Aren't Words Voting Rights Act of 2016. All American citizens who wish to vote in the next election must pass a basic test of intelligence.

The Basic Test of Intelligence

1.

Do you use words and phrases such as irregardless, conversate and a whole nother?

If you answered yes, you are banned from voting this election cycle.If you answered yes and you are a person who complains about immigrants who can't speak English, you are banned from voting for life.

2.

Do you wish to vote in the 2018 presidential election?

If you answered yes, why don't you know 2018 isn't an election year?

If you shrugged, you're banned for life.

If you attempted to make up an answer, I'll give points for trying and you may move on to the next question.

3.

Do you wish to vote in the 2022 presidential election?

If you answered yes, I can't believe you fell for that after I fucking gave you a second chance. You're banned for life.

4.

Do you believe the children are our future?

5.

Do you believe in climate change?

If you answered yes to question 4 and no to question 5, you're an asshole and you're banned for life.

6.

Did you borrow money from me to buy lottery tickets?

If you answered yes, you owe me four dollars. You’re banned until I get my money.

7.

What blockbuster movie starred Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum as alien-fighting pilots?

The answer is Independence Day. Whether you answered right or not, you may move on to the next question.

8.

What national holiday is celebrated on July 4th?

If you answered the 4th of July, what the fuck is wrong with you? I literally just gave you the answer. I’m not going to grant you the right to vote based on your knowledge of Will Smith movies.

9.

The final question is an essay question. What is your favorite Will Smith movie and why?

If you left Question 9 blank, congratulations, you have earned the right to vote.