Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Monday I had another school conference for our middle son. Just like last time, I hear he's super smart but super emotional and that gets in the way. I shouldn't be going to conferences. I always end up crying. I don't want to hear about it. He's been on behavior plans since 4k. He'll get better as he grows. I'm a genius and so is my husband. His smarts and behaviors are stuff we had/have. Stop telling me about it because we're working on it.

This time they asked he see a counselor. Which makes sense. To us, he's just being our kid. Temperamental and crazy but our whole family is weird. It's ok at home. In school it gets in the way.

So yeah. Booking a counselor appt.

THEN. I find out that a patient who I worked so very hard for, like 30 hours of extra work outside the apt time...he wants to not only fire me-- but to file an official complaint. He's fired three other providers and filed complaints against them too. So I'm not alone but feels personal. I did the extra work because I wanted him to have all the care. I lost sleep over this patient. I worried about this patient. I should have known better. But I couldn't help myself.

THEN. I head off to 'trauma training' for my foster care license. This is a long effing class. Every Monday for 16 weeks at 3 hours a class. All about how trauma affects the brains of developing children and how it translates into some pretty gnarly behavior. The last classes are about how we, as a foster parents, can help heal them.

IT brings up tons of emotional baggage from our last 3 years as foster parents. It rips my guts out. I think the class might be killing me. And this Monday, after the patient, after the conference --I hit a wall.

With a half an hour left, I was done with the class. I put my head in my hands, breathed and stayed upright. I looked normal but man I was done. I couldn't take any more information about these horribly traumatized kids and how we help them. I was done.

D.U.N.N. done.

But here's the beauty of hitting the wall...

I know have limits. I tend to think I am beyond superhuman strong. If I just plan things right, I can be Hercules. That is false.

SO. At work I'm putting up some very thick boundaries. Concrete walls of no. I am hired for a reason and will make others do their own work.

SO. I will make absolutely sure Mr. Hall goes to all conferences from now on. I just can't.

AND. This class has three more classes. That'll I finish.

I'll let myself be free for a while. Enjoying the shock of hitting the wall.

1 Left a message at the beep:

I know that wall well. Did similar at my job in Phoenix, until I just realized that I wasn't going to make a difference in that place no matter how hard I tried. Hit the wall and just stopped trying. Got laid off 12 months later. (best thing that ever happened to me)