I was alone. I needed to get away from what had happened. I needed constant pain in my life to make me feel whole and keep me grounded. That is how I got here, In this pitch dark parking lot lit with a single golden street lamp. I could see my breath in the frosty air. I didn't bring a jacket with me because I knew I soon wouldn't care about anything, and for a night I could escape the pain I somehow so constantly needed. I pulled paper out from my pocket lingering my fingers there as to try to warm them, but I knew I couldn't go much longer without it. And so I grabbed the paper withdrawing my hand from the fleece pocket in my hoodie. The cold air stinging my hand again. I rolled up the joint and stared at the yellow street light, wondering how it always had the energy to be happy and bright. It lit up everyone's world as the people so carelessly passed. Without a thanks. I was the same way. I pressed the joint to my dry, parched lips, dug out a lighter and flicked it so that the flame just barely skimmed the tip of the paper. I drew in a long deep breath. The substance burning my insides already. Exhale and stare at the lamp. This was becoming a ritual. Then the smoke blurred the light momentarily. My nose and eyes burned from the harsh air. Everything was telling me to get somewhere safe and warm i needed to be unexposed, but my legs kept me in place. Forcing me to stay. I inhaled and held my breath for a long while before I let out a small puff. My terrible luck, the joint was almost gone, it had burned for too long. Eating away at itself. Just like me. Just like the life I chose for myself. But I can't change the past and I have no energy to think about changing the future. I took a drag, the last drag for tonight and sat down in the corner of the parking lot next to the abandoned building on the cold hard pavement. In the shaded corner. Darker than it the open. I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around my knees so they touched my chest. I wasn't cold but, I needed reassurance. Then just like that, I fell asleep to the incessant buzzing hum of the streetlight.

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