Behind the Story

Pulling Back the Curtain on Bullied Nearly to Death: Loving My Life

WHO?After learning that my first published book is an autobiography, some people were quite curious about, "Who is in your book?" I understand that some author's will change the names of real people "to protect the identity" of those individuals. Well, I did the same, sort of.Throughout my story, I refer to bullies as, bullies. I also refer to them as attackers. That is what they are and I did not want to...

​Give them name recognition because they deserve no such "honor"

Give them name recognition because I don't want anyone to harass them

I wanted to give them respect for their privacy and well-being (it's the "taking the high road" philosophy)

You may, if you read my story, be asking, "What about Joe in your kindergarten story?" I chose a generic boys name for my first bully to help my readers feel a personal connection to a real person. After making the connection that "Joe" was a bully, I knew I could use "bully" or "attacker" throughout the rest of the story without losing the reader's perspective.Nearly all of the other names, people I truly care for deeply, are real. Those who are not deceased have been contacted before or shortly after publication and are, mostly, okay with what I wrote about them. There is one exception, however that person has not requested a redaction and, as a matter of fact, wished me well stating, "I hope the best for you." They do have a different memory of pertinent events included in my story regarding them, but I stand by what I wrote. I have also had discussions with others who verified that my telling is quite accurate.

WHAT?"What is my book about?"It is about how I grew up being bullied, in school by staff and students, at home by dad and my sister (mostly), and in the neighborhood I grew up in. It is also about the four suicide attempts I tried during my school years, how angry I was at myself and others, and how failing to succeed at suicide pushed me to the brink of (at that period of time) unthinkable crimes.Then I tell about the moment that changed my life and how I had to create a new, happier life for myself.Intertwined within the miserable, depressing stories, I also take my readers on journeys that lifted my spirits (at least for a short time). Those chance meetings and unbelievably lucky opportunities provided me, years later, the tools I needed to become a better person.

WHY?I am often asked, "Why did you write the book?" There are a few reasons that have been difficult to explain in just a few simple words.

I felt a sense of responsibility to serve others. That feeling began when I decided to enter the Army in 1984. I had long been a patriotic citizen, but dedicating my time, and possibly my life, to my country seemed to be the greatest opportunity to serve the nation I loved so much. Upon my early departure from basic training, I was desperate to find some other way of serving some of my time. I volunteered to lend a helping hand on certain construction projects including the two Extreme Makeover: Home Edition builds. Then, in 2010, I ran for elected office in Maryland. It was my first (as of right now my only time) time running for election. After that unsuccessful, yet quite revealing, attempt, I turned my attention to building my writing hobby into a career opportunity. Soon, I began to write down the many short stories I have told to so many about my life. As those stories piled up, I began to notice a theme that became my motivation toward becoming a bullying and suicide prevention and awareness advocate.

Since well before the Columbine high school shooting on April 20, 1999, I had a strong understanding of what would motivate a child/teen/adult to commit such a heinous act. As I explain within my autobiography, there is a point where a victim becomes the attacker. Fortunately, only a small percentage of victims act out with deadly force, but the lives lost during those violent outbursts are deaths that could have been prevented. Over the years since high school (I graduated in 1983), I have been trying to have conversations with Police, Elected Officials, Psychiatrists, Psychologists, News Media personnel, and many others. None, not one of them, took me seriously as I tried to explain that mass shootings in schools and workplaces would become "normal". Then came Columbine. Since that April day, I watched and listened as one deadly event after another occurred. Each time I felt anger and resentment toward all those people I tried to warn. The news media were the worse. I listened as "professionals" and "experts" tried to make some sense out of what was happening. The media hosts would offer their opinions and guesses as well. They all missed what I was feeling - the message I have been trying to convey for decades. The deep sorrow, painful sadness, and desperate desire to prevent another life from being stolen, brought me to the conclusion that my detailed story must be told.

I felt as though my story could help millions of people understand what bullying, ridicule, and hate can do to the human heart and mind. Humans everywhere must be taught that once you hurt another person, that person never forgets the pain. As a friend pointed out to me, "Once you wrinkle a piece of paper, you can't unwrinkled it."

The short answer is always, "I want to save lives," but now you know what is hiding behind that curtain.