Outskirts of a large Asian city, mostly bombed to rubble. Here and there a few LARGE BUILDINGS (Embassies) remain. They have on their roofs RIFLE NESTS and FLAGS OF VARIOUS NATIONS. [NOTE: Not American.] One middle-distance building has no rifle-nest and no flag. [NOTE: It will turn out to be the abandoned American Embassy.]

EXT. STREETS IN THAINIA – DAY – CONTINUOUS

Rubble, rubble, rubble lines both sides of narrow, pitted streets. COOLIES, CARTS, and MILITARY TRUCKS (bearing many different flags) rumble through the rubble.

EXT. INTERSECTION IN THAINIA – DAY – CONTINUOUS

A liveried Thainian CHAUFFEUR inches a limousine along a street. A NATIVE guides a sledge full of REFUGEES, pulled by an ox, along the cross-street into the intersection. Limo slows and HONKS. Refugees, Guide, and ox stop, blocking road. Limo halts. Limo honks. The ancient world and the modern world gridlock among ruins.

SUPERIMPOSE CAPTIONS:

First: “THAINIA…CAPITOL OF THAIN….TODAY…”

Then: “….AND YESTERDAY…”

Then: “…AND PROBABLY TOMORROW.”

Then: “GET IT?”CUT TO:

EXT. RUSSIAN EMBASSY ROOFTOP – DAY – CONTINUOUS

Sandbags. Russian flag. Armed RUSSIAN SOLDIERS read a sex magazine. On its cover is Melanie Marlowe, the world’s most beautiful woman. One Soldier folds out the magazine’s center-fold and mutters approval in Russian. Another Soldier fires a few SHOTS in the air to express his excitement.

CUT TO:

EXT. FRENCH EMBASSY ROOFTOP – DAY – CONTINUOUS

Fortified. French flag. FRENCH SOLDIERS ogle French edition of magazine. O.S. GUNFIRE. A bullet hits flagpole with a PING! French Soldier looks up, annoyed, returns to magazine. Another O.S. GUNSHOT makes a sandbag leak. A French Soldier raises his rifle, but not his eyes from the magazine. He fires idly.

The back of a moving, open jeep. ROCK ‘N’ ROLL MUSIC blares. Bundles of the Melanie magazines. Boxes of nylons. Cases of brandy. Boxes of candy bars. Other luxury items.

ANGLE ON JEEP’S DRIVER

TONY SUNDAY, 30, a handsome Eurasian in Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses. Tony doesn’t give a shit — That’s how you stay alive in Thainia, buddy. He slaps wheel in time to MUSIC like Tom Cruise. The jeep is painted with psychedelic designs.

Granny distributes candy to Kids, glances up at O.S. EXPLOSION. Kids don’t look up at all.

CUT TO:

WIDE SHOT — TWO EMBASSY ROOFTOPS

Explosion debris flies past. Some Soldiers WHOOP AND CHEER.

CUT TO:

JEEP

Tony drives on toward intersection. In b.g., smoking rubble of Old American Embassy. Tony cuts over rubble to avoid limo and sledge. He takes another route, pulls sunglasses over his eyes.

TONY

Fuck. The way we war.

CUT TO:

EXT. THAINIA – AERIAL SHOT – DAY – CONTINUOUS

Tony drives away. PULL BACK to include intersection and smoking rubble of embassy, then all of sprawling Thainia. CAMERA MOVES across Thainia, past a building flying the American flag, to a building flying a flag with comedy and tragedy masks, and STOPS on a close-up of that flag which fills the screen.

TITLE SEQUENCE

ROCK AND ROLL CONTINUES as TITLES appear over comedy and tragedy flag. After titles, CAMERA PANS DOWN to –

Tony slides his sunglasses atop his head, registers the impressive fleet of vehicles.

TONY

What’s all the motor power for?

SOLDIER

Brass wants you to stuff ‘em full

of women!

Soldiers GUFFAW. Another Soldier waves the Melanie foldout.

SOLDIERS

Got any girls like that, Tony?

How much for her, Tone? Can you

get us some stuff like Melanie

Marlowe, Tony?

TONY CROSSING PARKING AREA

Soldier’s VOICES continue OS. Tony ignores them. He runs his hand admiringly along the limousine, walks on to –

FACADE SPECIAL SERVICES BUILDING

Tony mounts steps up to door. On the wall to one side is a large peace-symbol, labeled “PEACE.” On the other side, an upside-down Peace-symbol labeled, “PUSS.” Tony enters -

CUT TO:

INT. SPECIAL SERVICES — HALLWAY — DAY – CONTINUOUS

A hand-made, glittered poster on a wall reads, “WE BRING STARS TO WARS.” PULL BACK to REVEAL A corridor decorated with film posters, lined with desks manned by MALE SECRETARIES, very busy. Tony enters, saunters down corridor.

TONY

(in passing)

Good morning, girls.

SECRETARIES

(in unison)

Fuck you, Tony.

Tony takes this good-naturedly, tosses small box at a SECRETARY.

TONY

Have some panty-hose.

Box flies back at Tony. He dodges. FOLLOW HIM to —

DOOR TO REYNOLDS’ OFFICE

Sign on door: “MAJOR REYNOLDS.” “Reynolds” has been marked out and “OBSTACLE” substituted. Tony smiles and enters –

As Tony enters corridor, the Secretaries fling a bombardment of crumpled paper and office supplies at him. FOLLOW laughing TONY through this apparently usual gauntlet to the building door -

EXT. THE SPECIAL SERVICES BUILDING – DAY – CONTINUOUS

Tony emerges, laughing. He stops to watch SOLDIERS, BRASS, and BAND (with instruments) enter vehicles. Carstairs enters limo, pops up out of open sun-roof, waves coyly at Tony, sinks out of view.

TONY

Tony lowers his sunglasses, hops into jeep, revs up, and pulls out as the vehicles begin to move. Vehicles form a motorcade with limo in center.

CUT TO:

EXT. A COUNTRY ROAD – DAY – A LITTLE LATER

WIDE SHOT on sky, where vultures circle. PAN DOWN TO dismal countryside. PEASANTS work fields. REFUGEES trudge along one direction. A SOLDIER whose uniform is too mud-spattered to discern his nationality leads a LINE OF CHAINED PRISONERS the opposite way.

CLOSER ON ROAD

SOUND of honking O.S. Refugees and Prisoners barely make way for Motorcade as its impressive vehicles zoom past and go out of frame. O.S. ROCK MUSIC. After motorcade, Tony in jeep bounces through. Peasants, Refugees, Soldier, and Prisoners wave at Tony. Tony waves back, goes out of frame, ROCK MUSIC FADES O.S., and life goes on.

CUT TO:

EXT. HELIPORT – DAY – A LITTLE LATER

WIDE SHOT. A crummy but efficient heliport. Control tower and sheds. Sign reads “ROSS PEROT MEMORIAL HELIPAD. IT JUST DON’T MAKE SENSE!” GUARDS and CREW welcome Motorcade and form it up in a semi-circle around helipad. Tony’s jeep putters past and out of frame behind a shed, playing ROCK MUSIC.

EXT. HELIPORT – BEHIND A SHED – DAY – CONTINUOUS

Tony pulls jeep into position behind shed, its right-hand passenger-door toward helipad, hops out. Past the shed WE SEE a good view of the helipad. LANDING CREW scuttles about efficiently in b.g. Tony pulls up top of jeep, rolls up windows, smears them with dirt. Tony finishes preparations, looks around.

The door of the chopper opens and MELANIE MARLOWE appears for a brief moment. At this distance and through the dust, we can’t see much but that she’s dressed very much like Carstairs. BAND MUSIC blares. An Officer hands Melanie a bouquet of roses. She takes a step or two down and disappears among her welcomers.

ANGLE BEHIND SHED

Baggage-Rack Crew shoves Tony out of the way and rolls baggage-rack into the crowd. Tony hops in jeep, revs the motor, lowers his sunglasses.

NEW ANGLE ON HELIPAD

We’re behind the crowd. WE CAN SEE the baggage-rack cutting through the crowd on its way back to the shed. Suddenly Carstairs emerges gloriously through the hatch in the roof of the limousine, clutching the bouquet of roses and waving girlishly in time to BAND MUSIC.

BACK BEHIND SHED

Tony revs his motor. He remembers to throw open back right-hand passenger door. [NOTE: front passenger door is already open.]

INT./EXT. JEEP – DAY – CONTINUOUS

TONY’S POV

WE SEE Crew shove baggage-rack to jeep’s passenger door. One Crewman flings luggage in back seat while other flings Melanie out of baggage-rack into front seat, on her knees. She’s gorgeous, disheveled. She gapes at Tony.

Tony grimaces at the nickname. He backs up and turns around, flinging Melanie back in her seat.

MELANIE

Tone?

TONY

Tony Sunday. Transliteration of my

orphanage name, “Thaini San Dei.”

Means, “He who has no name.”

My friends call me, “Bastard.”

THE HELIPORT

WIDE:

Tony’s jeep pulls past the welcoming throng and Carstairs.

CLOSE ON CARSTAIRS

Carstairs, waving, register’s the jeep’s appearance.

CARSTAIRS

(to chauffeur below)

Okay, Barney, let’s get zees

show on ze road.

CARSTAIRS’ POV/BARNEY

BARNEY, chauffeur, tips an amused salute up at

CARSTAIRS

Carstairs blows a kiss at the jeep.

CLOSE ON WINDOW OF JEEP

Melanie’s face, blurrily seen through the dirty glass as she sees Carstairs. Carstairs reflects in window.Moving along road from heliport, jeep speeds up fast. Melanie turns away from the window.

MELANIE

Who in Hell is THAT?

TONY

That in Hell is a brave soldier

covering your ass. Weren’t

you briefed?

MELANIE

(angrily)

I wouldn’t have agreed to that.

I thought I was going to

be kidnapped by rebels.

TONY

Not on our first date.

MELANIE

(suddenly “silly”)

So! Where are big, handsome you

taking li’l ol’ me?

TONY

To the American Embassy. They’re

holding a tea in your honor.

MELANIE

So that’s where my honor went.

(realization)

Shit! The Embassy! Where’s my gold lame?

Melanie flings herself over the seat, rummages through luggage. Tony gets a fantastic view of Melanie’s famous ass.

TONY

Fasten your safety-belt.

Melanie comes back, clutching a gown.

MELANIE

Sugar, my gold lameIS my safety-belt.

Slow down. They can’t start without me.

Melanie starts undressing, unembarrassed and professional. Tony reacts by losing control of the jeep momentarily.

CUT TO:

EXT. COUNTRY ROAD – DAY – CONTINUOUS

Jeep veers crazily, rights itself, goes out of frame. A CROWD begins to appear along both sides of road, of Peasants, Refugees, Soldiers, and OTHERS TO BE DESCRIBED. Ignoring the jeep, they look the opposite way, waiting for the motorcade.

CUT TO:

EXT. THE HELIPORT – DAY – CONTINUOUS

Wide shot. The Motorcade pulls out slowly. Carstairs clutches roses with one hand, waves with the other. BAND PLAYS.

CUT TO:

EXT. ROAD TO THAINIA – DAY – CONTINUOUS

Tony’s jeep going much faster than motorcade barrels along road lined by Crowd.

INT./EXT. THE JEEP – DAY – CONTINUOUS

[NOTE: Until arrival at Embassy, Melanie continues changing.]

MELANIE

Can you see through that window?

TONY

I know every bump and hollow.

Tony, distracted, looks at her “bumps and hollows” as Melanie strips. Jeep hits a bump or hollow, jarring them both.

TONY

That’s one right there.

MELANIE

So you’re a native?

TONY

I’m the result of ten centuries

of military rape. I’m a native of

every country that ever fucked Thain.

MELANIE

Registers this seriously. Quickly looks out window.

MELANIE’S POV/ROADSIDE

The Crowd along the roadside, looking for the motorcade.

IN THE JEEP

MELANIE

You don’t look much like the characters

lining the road. Who are they?

TONY

Don’t you watch educational television?

MELANIE

Empty-headed actress. Fill ‘er up.

TONY

Okay.

(enjoying himself)

Thain was once inhabited by

tiny little people called Flahvans —

BEGIN INTERCUT AMONG

(A) Tony and Melanie speeding in the jeep,

(B) The Motorcade, featuring Carstairs, tooling along,

(C) Appropriate CROWD MEMBERS along the roadside, and

(D) Rebels skulking behind CROWD.

INTERCUT WITH

EXT. THE ROADSIDE – DAY – CONTINUOUS

Appropriate tiny peasants (FLAHVANS) waving at Motorcade.

INTERCUT WITH

IN THE JEEP

TONY (Cont’d)

— who were conquered by larger

people called “Thainese” —

INTERCUT WITH

THE ROADSIDE

Larger THAINESE, looking more prosperous, waving at Motorcade.

INTERCUT WITH

THE MOTORCADE

Carstairs waves benevolently, smells roses. He’s enjoying this.

INTERCUT WITH

IN THE JEEP

Melanie, dressing, is intensely interested in Tony’s history.

TONY (cont’d)

— who did well as pirates and smugglers until they heard that some nice people to their north, the Celestos —

INTERCUT WITH

THE ROADSIDE

CELESTOS, even larger and more prosperous, wave at Motorcade.

INTERCUT WITH

IN THE JEEP

Melanie listens to Tony intently while dressing and painting. Tony is enjoying himself very much.

TONY (Cont’d)

— had been thrown out of their homes

by some bullies called the Namanians.

The Thainese thought it was awful not

to have a home, so they invited the

Celestos in to learn piracy and smuggling.

MELANIE

Decent of them.

TONY

But the Celestos used Thain as a base to

mount attacks against the Namanians.

MELANIE

So the Namanians invaded Thain.

INTERCUT WITH

THE ROADSIDE

Big, burly NAMANIANS shove others aside to wave at the Motorcade.

INTERCUT WITH

IN THE JEEP

TONY

Bingo. Moral: Never do anything

for anybody.

MELANIE

Tell me. I did one socially-conscious

movie and my pin-ups fell off the walls.

TONY

They’re back up since you posed nude.

MELANIE

While I still can. Tell more.

TONY

While I still can. So, okay, so the

Namanians made slaves of everybody

and found tungsten in them there hills,

so the tungsten-hungry Chinese decided to

come restore liberty —

INTERCUT WITH

THE ROADSIDE

CHINESE with SERVANTS observe the Motorcade.

INTERCUT WITH

THE MOTORCADE/CARSTAIRS

Carstairs is getting a little fed-up with this waving bit.

INTERCUT WITH

IN THE JEEP

TONY

— and the French decided to restore

democracy —

INTERCUT WITH

THE CROWD

FRENCH and other EUROPEANS appear, waving at the motorcade.

TONY (VO)

— then most of Europe remembered

ancestral claims in the area.

Then, of course, America took turns

supporting each of the colonial powers.

AMERICAN BUSINESSMEN, DIPLOMATS, and SOLDIERS appear in the Crowd.

INTERCUT WITH

IN THE JEEP

MELANIE

It makes Bosnia-Herzegovina

sound like a panty-raid. So who’s

fighting who?

TONY

Everybody is fighting everybody.

But they’re also all in league with each other. Everyone who dies in Thain dies

from friendly fire.

MELANIE

So it’s settled into a congenitally

violent balance of power like Lebanon.

Or the Mid-east. Or Central America.

South America. Belfast. Everywhere.

Tony gapes. Melanie realizes her slip, becomes “empty-headed.”

MELANIE (Cont’d)

I do a lot of location shooting.

TONY

Yeah. Well, so power was balanced.

Until the rebels appeared.

ADD TO INTERCUT

EXT. BEHIND THE CROWD – DAY – CONTINUOUS

A REBEL LEADER — really ugly, bristling with weapons –, with the head-dress and face-paint Haman wore, runs skulking low behind the Crowd. ANOTHER REBEL appears out of bushes and joins him. [NOTE: Rebels are of all races.]

INTERCUT WITH

MELANIE

(carefully)

You don’t like the rebels?

TONY

(not noticing her care)

Why wouldn’t I? They buy dope and

cognac like everybody else.

MELANIE

Who do you think they are?

TONY

Dumb fucks from all over.

Somebody stirred ‘em up.

Nobody knows who.

INTERCUT WITH

BEHIND THE CROWD/REBELS

The REBELS continue running along behind the Crowd. MORE join the LEADER, all armed, in identifying head-dress and face-paint.

INTERCUT WITH

IN THE JEEP

TONY (Cont’d)

Hell, even some half-breed bastards

like me have joined up.

MELANIE

(registers this strongly)

But you wouldn’t?

TONY

Who do you think you’re talking to?

MELANIE

I’d like to know.

TONY

I’m everybody’s buddy.

MELANIE

You don’t take sides?

TONY

I do my job.

MELANIE

Which you see as..?

TONY

Right now, protecting you from

military rape.

CUT TO:

EXT. THE ROAD – DAY – CONTINUOUS

Jeep speeds past the Crowd. Crowd cheers oncoming Motorcade.

INTERCUT WITH

THE MOTORCADE/CARSTAIRS

Carstairs waves, registers cramp, and switches roses to other arm so he can use the other hand to wave. He mutters to driver below:

CARSTAIRS

Barney, this is getting old. Let’s

get this show off the road.

CARSTAIRS’ POV/LOOKING DOWN

In the limo, at Carstairs’ feet, driver BARNEY looks up, sees up Carstairs’ dress, looks down with a red face.

INTERCUT WITH

BEHIND THE CROWD/REBELS

There’s more Rebels. They catch up with the limo (seen over the heads of The Crowd). Rebel Leader gives a terrifying WAR-WHOOP and the Rebels break through the Crowd, firing GUNS.

A cramped large closet with tiers of costumes hung on racks, stacked boxes, bales, etc. Tony falls through curtain onto floor. Carstairs sits on a box with his “Melanie” dress peeled down. He swigs booze from a bottle. Reynolds doctors Carstairs’ cuts and bruises. They barely turn to notice Tony.

Large elegant room. Fancy decor. Melanie, now barely in a gown that hangs from her nipples, holds court among swarm of MEN in uniforms and tuxes, including FRENCH AMBASSADOR with monocle.

FRENCH AMBASSADOR

My dear, you are more beautiful

than twin rainbows over Paris.

MELANIE

Oh, I bet you say that to all

the stars!

ANGLE ACROSS ROOM

Many NEGLECTED WIVES sit around the perimeter of the ballroom, hating Melanie, drinking too much. Melanie’s LAUGHTER O.S.. A WIFE hails a WAITER, gives him an empty glass, takes two full ones. FOLLOW WAITER to Chiang, leaning in a corner, the only man not with Melanie. Chiang refuses drink, watching –

MELANIE AND MEN

Melanie, laughing, becomes aware of Chiang’s scrutiny and quickly turns her attention back to Men. She grabs French Ambassador’s monocle and squints it into place in her own eye.

Oh, no, I prefer “Her Hottest Night.” “Seven Lively Sins.” “Joyce of the Jungle.” The one where the Marines stole all your underwear. Where the cowboys held her hostage. Where the princess pretended to be a stripper. What was the name of that one?

Melanie locates Chiang, discreetly nearer to her than before.

MELANIE

shrugs helplessly in Chiang’s direction, indicating the Men.

CHIANG

calmly looks away.

MELANIE AND MEN

MELANIE

(supplies title)

“She Shifts Her Background.”

Melanie demonstrates “shifting her background.” Men LAUGH. Melanie stares at Men in near-disbelief, then snaps back into her empty-headed act and GIGGLES along.

where AMERICAN SOLDIERS flank a BUTLER and MAID who finish frisking respectively a Male and Female Guest in exotic finery. A waiting Couple in yet more exotic costume steps forward to be frisked. First Couple strolls off to party. Icelandic Couple wait their turn. Guests are used to this. O.S. DOORBELL RINGS.

MAJOR-DOMO (O.S.)

Your card, sir?…The Ambassador

and Ambassadrix of Uruguay.

AMERICAN AMBASSADOR

(to Icelandic Couple)

Enjoy yourselves.

FOLLOW American Ambassador back to

ENTRANCE FOYER

Where Uruguayan Couple wait. American Ambassador greets them.

AMERICAN AMBASSADOR

Good evening, your excellencies.

This way to security, please.

He ushers Uruguayan Couple away as DOORBELL RINGS. Major-Domo opens door to let in Tony, looking stunning in full evening-dress.

MAJOR-DOMO

Your card, sir? Oh, hi, Tony.

TONY

How’s the wife, Jake?

MAJOR-DOMO

Which one?

(to a NEW COUPLE)

Your card, sir?

FOLLOW TONY past searching-station.

MALE FRISKER

Hi, Tony.

FEMALE FRISKER

(with a familiar wink)

Hey, Tone.

Soldiers at attention and Couple waiting nod to Tony. Couple being frisked, arms in air, look over their shoulders.

MALE FRISKEE

Looking good, Tony.

FEMALE FRISKEE

Tony! You don’t dress like that for me!

Female Frisker registers this and turns her around roughly. Tony gives them a collective grin-and-wave. FOLLOW TONY INTO

Base at eleven-hundred hours tomorrow, okay? Can you get off my foot now?

MELANIE

Looing-Fo — ?

TONY

Replacement Base, yes.

MELANIE

Eleven hundred hours.

(sudden “boob bunny”)

That’s a long show!

(interested)

And how did you know?

TONY

Thain is the world’s biggest grapevine.

Everybody knows everything.

MELANIE

Then why didn’t I?

TONY

Yours is not just any body.

MELANIE

(beginning to burn)

Keeping me under wraps, are they?

TONY

(of her dress)

More than you are. Look, you could

get grabbed like a dime on the street.

MELANIE

Well, it’s nice to know my street value.

Those chauvinist sons-of-bitches.

TONY

Don’t talk like that. I told you,

Thain is an echo chamber. Information

spreads faster than clap.

MELANIE

(ready for fun)

Oh, it does? Does it really? It

really does? Let’s us see now!

Melanie, suddenly tweety, grabs drinks from Waiters, shams drunk.

MELANIE (Cont’d)

(shouts)

Hey, everybody! Here! Here!

THE GUESTS

Melanie’s shout gets Guest’s attention, as if she didn’t have it.

MELANIE AND TONY

Melanie moves out among Guests. Tony stands stunned, then claws through Guests to Melanie.

MELANIE (Cont’d)

Did you hear that this handsome devil

Is my new fortune-cookie? Why didn’t

somebody tell me that Eurasians are the

best boys in captivity? I guess they

get the best of both hemispheres, huh?

(shaking her own “hemispheres”)

Oooooh, what has Melanie said now?

I’m just dying to get him alone in the

jungle at —

(doubles her volume)

— LOOING-FO! So he can go ape, man!

CORNER FEATURING CHIANG

Guests gape at Melanie. Chiang listens attentively.

TONY AND MELANIE

Tony reaches Melanie, would grab her, but a Man stops him.

MAN

Fringe benefits, Tony?

Tony shakes Man off and starts after Melanie. A Woman stops Tony.

WOMAN

You never answer my calls, Tony.

Tony shrugs and gets away.

TONY’S POV/MELANIE

–dancing drunkenly, maneuvers near Chiang’s corner.

MELANIE

I mean, usually I’m lucky if they

have hot water where I entertain.

But Tony is boiling!

Tony, “boiling” indeed, reaches Melanie.

MELANIE (Cont’d)

In fact, he’s just what I’ve been

“LOOING FO” all my life!

Melanie throws her arms around Tony.

ANGLE OVER TONY’S SHOULDER

MELANIE (Cont’d)

Oooooh, I could hug him for eleven

hundred hours!

Melanie looks questioningly at Chiang.

CHIANG

Gives a curt nod.

TONY AND MELANIE

Tony grabs Melanie with both hands and starts dragging her away.

TONY

(between clinched teeth)

You keep behaving like this, I’ll

never fuck you again.

MELANIE

(similarly)

Like you had a Chinaman’s chance.

(loudly to all)

I told him, “No, no!” but he thought

a double negative meant, “Yes!”

FOLLOW TONY AND MELANIE as he bodily propels her through Guests to

ENTRANCE FOYER

where Tony seizes Melanie’s wrap from the nonplused Jake and drags her through the door. Melanie pokes her head back in briefly.

MELANIE

Thanks for having me. I adore being had.

Tony’s arm appears from outside and snatches Melanie away.

ANGLE ON GUESTS

Guests stare stupidly for a moment, then all become wildly animated and chatter, except for the stark-still Chiang.

CUT TO:

EXT. AMERICAN EMBASSY – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS

In light from the open Embassy door, Tony, clawing car-keys from his pocket with free hand, drags Melanie, flailing her wrap, down the steps past astonished GUARDS. [NOTE: There are no exterior lights.]