NEWARK – Anthropologists have uncovered a 12,000 year old grave from an ancient Mafia “hit.”

“Twelve thousand years ago two bodies were dumped into a grave, a bouquet of flowers were tossed on top of them, and then the grave was filled with dirt,” said Dr. Edwina Motel, Director of the New Jersey Institute of Archeological Anthropology. “This is the oldest example of a contract killing thus far discovered,” Motel said.

“We got no comment,” said Joe Pamplionani, spokesperson for the Pamplionani crime family. “Look, it happened a long time ago. Who knows what happened? Could have been an accident,” Pamplionani said.

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“It is a complete mystery to me how on earth these two people could be accidentally shot a gun show,” said Skip Henderson, gun enthusiast, misogynist, homophobe, racist and sociopath.

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Skip Anderson can buy this gun at a gun show without a background check.

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At gun shows Americans – or anyone – can purchase automatic weapons without any background check being conducted.

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“Hello, my name is Joe, and that is my real name. It is not a made up name. I am Joe. And I am interested in purchasing your AK-47 in a cash transaction. Oooo! Are those high-capacity ammunition magazine clips I see in that bag?”

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“I bet Obama snuck in here and shot those 2 people to make gun owners look bad so that he and his Negro Army can come and take away our guns” Henderson said.

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“Guns are not responsible for these injuries and it is completely irresponsible to imply that guns have any connection to gun violence whatsoever anywhere in the world especially at a gun show,” said Tripp Wightman, a gun rights activist,”doomsday prepper” and paranoid schizophrenic who buys guns at gun shows without any background checks and makes methane from his own excrement.

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Mentally unfit to purchase a gun, but passed a background check because no court had ever declared him mentally unfit. So, like hundreds of thousands of people who should not ever own a gun, he was allowed to purchase one. And then he went to a political rally.

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“I will shoot anyone in the head multiple times using a semi automatic weapon with a fucking huge ammo clip,” Wightman said. “I’m sorry, I lost my train of thought. Oh yeah, the point I am trying to make is to make it very clear that I will shoot and kill anyone who argues that gun violence – the epidemic of gun violence that is sweeping across our nation and tearing apart the fabric of our society. Hell, it happened again. I totally lost my train of thought.”

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He purchased two hand guns, a shot gun, and a semi automatic rifle and passed all three background checks. No court had ever declared him mentally unfit. Consequently he was not in the federal database that is used to perform background checks of people buying guns.After purchasing these guns, he went to the cinema.

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“Where was I? Oh yeah, I will brutally murder anyone who so much as implies that guns have anything to do with gun violence or attempts in any way to improve mental health care or background checks to prevent someone like me from buying all the guns I want. And then I will mutilate their bodies. And if possible, I will sell the body parts – including fluids – to raise money so I can buy more guns. That is how much I love America. That is how much I love the Second Amendment to the United States Constitution that protects my rights to own and use weapons that are designed to kill people. Lots and lots of people. Lots and lots of smelly, anti-American sinners who are building socialist agnostic, atheist, and Catholic robots that steal my luggage, violate my rights and infringe on my personal freedoms,” said Wightman.

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He bought this gun at a gun show without a background check. And now he is watching your children walk to school.

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“No one loves America more than me. Or guns,” said Wightman. “Did I tell you that I make methane from my own poop? I do it to stop the government from reading my thoughts.”

“The only option I will consider to remedy what is arguably an epidemic of gun related deaths in the United States is what the NRA proposed, and that is posting armed guards in every school in the country. But I do not want any taxpayer money to pay for it. I want these armed guards to be volunteers.”

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Eager to volunteer.

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“In other words, people like me,” Wightman concluded before adjusting the aluminum foil cap covering his head.

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Gun owners are willing to kill in order to maintain unrestrained access to assault weapons and the lack of background checks for those buying automatic weapons.

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UPDATE: subsequent to the posting of this story, 5 additional people were accidentally shot at gun shows in the United States.

BRISBANE, Australia – A series of tornadoes have hit local author and radio personality John Birmingham, causing minor injury.

“This is perfectly normal for this time of year,” said Nick Perriam, Director of the University of Queensland Meteorological Institute in Sydney. “Every January inclement weather sneaks up on and thumps authors as far south as Melbourne, especially those writers demonstrating a history of meteorological defamation,” Perriam explained.

Birmingham went afoul of the elements when he described bad global weather conditions in Without Warning, a novel based in a world where a mysterious force kills virtually all American citizens.

“Bloody weather,” Birmingham complained from the relative safety of his front porch.

MUNCIE, Indiana – Beyonce’s delivery of baby Blue Ivy was not some haphazardly thrown together ordeal — it was an elaborate plan involving a big security force.

The hospital held a meeting leading up to the delivery to discuss a security plan for the birth. The meeting between execs and security was held Friday afternoon and strict security was in place almost immediately, preparing for Beyonce’s late night delivery.

The goal – i.e., keeping Beyonce’s baby from killing and eating anyone or escaping the specially prepared cell by teleporting out into an unsuspecting world – succeeded admirably.