Headout: The Zero Train

Columbia River Crossing for dummies.

Vancouver is actively disinterested in joining Portland’s
transportation grid. Twice in recent years, voters there have been asked
to approve a tiny sales-tax increase to pay for a light-rail bridge
that would connect them to our vast system, and twice they’ve loudly
declined—apparently reasoning that the Blazers suck, they can catch a
cab to the airport for their annual cruise and Hayden Island has all the
tax-free shopping they need, thank you very much.

So how are we
supposed to get to the land of Afghani Milk and Honey B until Clark
County’s elected leadership circumvents the will of its people and crams
a 12-lane, rail-equipped bridge down their throats? Unless you want to
go native—and, um, drive—here are your limited options.

Human-PoweredBoth the glamorous and totally sufficient
Interstate Bridge on I-5—it’s on the National Register of Historic
Places—and I-205’s Glenn L. Jackson Memorial Bridge, which leads to the
’Couve’s eastern hinterlands, are walkable and bikeable. The sidewalk
lane on the Interstate is narrow, and you first have to navigate some
sketchy areas of Hayden Island, but once you get across, it’s easy to
get around.

Government-PoweredGetting to Vancouver by bus isn’t
easy—unless you’re going during a typical workweek, when Clark County
operates I-5 Express to service tax scofflaws. Other times, it will take
you about an hour to make your way from downtown Portland to Jantzen
Beach on the TriMet 6 Line, which goes north on Martin Luther King Jr.
Boulevard. Or take the MAX’s Yellow Line to the Delta Park/Vanport MAX
Station and transfer to C-Tran to cross the bridge. To get any farther
than downtown Vancouver, you’ll need to consult C-Tran’s website with a
pad of wood pulp and a quill, as C-Tran isn’t integrated with Google
Maps. TriMet fares cover some C-Tran routes.

Money-PoweredA taxi from the Hawthorne District to the ’Couve will set you back about $30 each way—if traffic is light.

Water-PoweredFrom the Interstate Bridge, the Columbia
River looks a little intimidating. Closer to the water, the whitecaps
will chill your bones. If the .76-mile-wide Columbia is flowing at a
rate of 8 knots, and the tide is coming in at .25 mph, at what angle
should you aim your kayak and how fast should you paddle? Also, where
the hell can you haul a kayak out of the water? Hmm. Better take the
bus.

Headout Picks

WEDNESDAY DEC. 5

CHARLES BRADLEY & THE MENAHAN STREET BAND[MUSIC] More than any of the other
vintage R&B crooners who’ve popped up in recent years, the
64-year-old Bradley legitimately sounds like an artist who was frozen in
the 1960s and thawed out just in time for the throwback soul boom. Aladdin Theater, 3017 SE Milwaukie Ave., 234-9694. 8 pm. $20-$23. 21+.

FOUND FOOTAGE FESTIVAL[MOVIES] This is way better than YouTube: Talented dudes Joe Pickett (of The Onion) and Nick Prueher (Late Show with David Letterman) salvage videos from thrift stores across the country and patch together the most absurd and hilarious clips. Laurelhurst Theater, 2735 E Burnside St., 232-5511. 7:30 and 9:30 pm. $10.

SATURDAY DEC. 8

TUBA CHRISTMAS CONCERT[MUSIC] Pretty much every time we clip on
our bowties to see the symphony, we think what everybody thinks: not
enough tuba. That will not be a problem here. A solid 225 of the brass
band’s fattest horns will bellow their dulcet bass belches alongside
euphoniums and baritone horns at this free Christmas concert. It’s like
dubstep for the big-band set. Pioneer Courthouse Square, 701 SW 6th Ave., 223-1613, tubachristmas.com. 1:30 pm. Free.

TUESDAY DEC. 11

LOST BAYOU RAMBLERS[MUSIC] The Louisiana band is to zydeco
what the Pogues are to Celtic music, sharpening traditional Cajun forms
with a punk edge. At this year’s Pickathon, the group’s swinging,
deep-fried rave-ups turned a barn into a muggy swamp shack. Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi Ave., 288-3895. 8 pm. $13-$15. 21+.