Disney Announces New Flicks Through 2021; Postpones End of the World

The world is probably not going to any end time soon because today Disney announced release dates for upcoming films well into 2021. What’s that you say? The two are unrelated? The world could end at any moment? This nonsense.

GIF

Why would Disney bother to spend the money on a very good-looking but also probably completely unnecessary Lion King remake if no one was going to see it? Hello?

GIF

In the absence of any hard evidence about whether we’re actually going to make it, I’ve decided to use film release calendars as my tea leaves. It has worked pretty well thus far. Plus, these leaves feature celebrities. I highly recommend this.

GIF

All you have to do is believe that the world won’t end until everything is totally boring and we’ve all seen every movie that’s ever been announced, including the culmination of the Fast & Furious series. And we all know that they will not actually ever stop making Fast & Furious movies.

At a certain point, they will just use CGI versions of Ludacris and The Rock and set it on the moon and keep printing money. Quickly and very angrily. Like, your children’s children will not see the last Fast & Furious movie. It’s almost Biblical—Fast & Furious begat 2 Fast 2 Furious who begat Shem who begat Rachel, etc.

GIF

Not that I’m complaining. I measure my life in Fast & Furious movies. There was a before Fast and an after Fast period. I am 12 in Fast & Furious years. (Please don’t ask how this works. It involves some very complicated mathematics and I’m afraid you wouldn’t understand. You have to do calculations with great speed. And an abundance of rage.)

Like Fast & Furious movies, your children’s children will not see the last Disney movie. The company announced a slate of upcoming movies stretching well past the end of this presidential term. Good news!

The year 2019 will bring us Star Wars: Episode IX. You may think this concludes the new trilogy but you clearly don’t know movies. There are so many stars to war. We’ll be watching Jedis discover they have the Force, learn how to use the Force, manipulate the Force to bring victory to a rebel army and then decide that the Force should probably take a stay-cation for generations to come. We will be orbiting Jupiter in Wall-E pods and they’ll still be filming Star Wars movies. At that point they’ll be considered documentaries and they’ll be called Outside, but still.

GIF

We’ll also get a sequel to megahit Frozen in 2019 as well as the aforementioned long-awaited and totally random live-action Lion King featuring the voices of Donald Glover and James Earl Jones. I haven’t been so excited and yet so perplexed about a movie since, well, the Beauty and the Beast remake was announced. And we all saw how amazing that was, so I look forward to watching an actual monkey lift up an actual lion cub while a sassy evil actual lion with an actual dark brown weave looks on sourly. I have never been more ready for anything.

GIF

Additionally, The Wrap is reporting that Billy Eichner and Seth Rogen are in final negotiations to portray Timon and Pumbaa, respectively. The world could never end without us seeing Timon tearing through the jungle, shoving a microphone in creatures’ faces for the game “It’s Debra Messing, You Ospreys!”

Disney announced a slate of untitled projects through 2021, as well as dates for the Oprah/Reese/Mindy/Ava amazingness Wrinkle in Time (2018), and, incredibly, an Indiana Jones movie in the year 2020. The Indiana Jones movie is so far in the future and so much time has passed since the originals that in the latest installment we’ll watch Indy chasing Nazis through late 2016.