Scrappy Doo Dies in Prison

After serving 23 years of the fifteen life sentences that were bestowed upon him, Scrappy Doo has died in prison – the plucky pooch having gone out exactly as he lived – i.e. violently and as a cause of considerable irritation to others.

Although Scrappy was sent away for several counts of drug smuggling, the diminutive dog always denied the accusations, as was evidenced in this interview that he gave us last year:

“Shaggy invited me on to The Mystery Gang because he suspected that Fred was using the cover of these “mysteries” to smuggle drugs across the country. People accuse me of trying to pass the blame, but come on – ask yourself really – how many genuine occurrences can there be of men dressing up as the Creature from the Black Lagoon in order to illicitly steal someone else’s inheritance? Because in the time that I was with them, we investigated and uncovered 3,473.

“We’d gathered together all of the evidence we needed to put Fred away for life when all of a sudden the police raided The Mystery Machine whilst only me, Shaggy, and Scooby were inside. I tried telling them that I had evidence which proved it was all Fred, but when they opened my safe it turned out that someone had drilled a hole into it and burnt everything inside.

“At first the police didn’t find anything, but they later discovered that both The Mystery Machine and Scooby-Doo were entirely made out of drugs. I asked my dad if he knew that his brother was entirely made out of drugs, and it turned out he was entirely made out of drugs too. So I guess that I’m adopted or something? Either that or I’m made entirely out of drugs? I try not to think about it.

“In prison we got a new lead, as an old acquaintance of Fred’s was in there with us – one Fred Flintstone – and he claimed to have evidence which would link our arch-nemesis to a series of crimes dating back to the stone age.

“Apparently our Fred had once been called Barney Rubble, and the pair of them had become frozen in a glacier following a fight which ensued after Flintstone discovered that Rubble was embezzling rocks from the Bedrock, Quarry, and Gravel Corporation.

“Flintstone told us that Rubble was only 3ft tall before they were frozen, but the slow-moving glacier must have stretched him out, because by the time they thawed in 1956 he was 5ft11in. Rubble was the first to wake, and in an effort to mug-off his former neighbour he decided to go on a one-man crime spree and frame Flintstone for it all. To do so he cut the caveman out and kept him safely locked away in a walk-in freezer. He also changed his name to Fred – assumedly just to piss his old rival off.

“We were preparing to tell the authorities what Flintstone had told us, but then one day I was in the shower room and Shaggy walked in with some hoodlums from a bad crew. ‘I’m sorry,’ Shaggy said, as he pulled out a shiv, ‘but he’s got to my family.’

“I just acted on instinct at that point – puttin’ ‘em up like I’d never put ‘em up before. The goons went down easy, and when Shaggy saw how quickly I dispatched of them, he dropped the weapon and tried to run.

“I could have forgiven him – I could have tried to understand – but something in me just snapped – just flipped – and before I knew it I had his neck between my mighty mits – the plea for mercy half out of his mouth as I felt the abrupt snap of his neck – the memories of everything we’d done together swirling round and washing away like tears and blood down the drain.

“I was given two more life sentences for that, but it doesn’t even come close to punishing me for what I did. You could lock me up for a million years, and you’d still not make a dent.”

Not long after that interview, Fred himself was sent to prison after it emerged that Daphne and Velma were involved in a convoluted and barely-sensical plot of their own – the pair of them stitching-up Rubble like a knock-off beanie baby.

Allegedly, Scrappy was able to get at Fred by reverse-Scooby-Dooing – i.e. getting into Rubble’s room by disguising himself as a prison guard and then unmasking himself.

Although CCTV stopped recording shortly after Scrappy revealed himself, we can say for certain that everyone involved is now dead – largely because all that’s left of the prison is a large and smouldering hole.

RIP SCRAPPY DOO

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