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Wednesday, March 19, 2014

When you make the details of your life and your emotions public, you let people in. You invite them to get to know you. I have been comfortable with and comforted by being "out there". I have been blogging for maybe 6 or 7 years, and the whole time I have been sharing (with anyone who wanted to anonymously know) many of my intimate details and emotions. I have lived my highs and lows and honestly shared it here. I have loved it. I loved letting people in and sharing our story.

I have felt myself changing through the last few years. I have
developed social anxiety, telephone anxiety, and become much
more introverted. I was thinking this might be because loss and grief
like ours changed me. However, I also think that it was party because I
chose to go through those things so publicly. I used to love being around others because I loved them so naturally, I was comfortable being me, and I loved when others were themselves. I loved the mutual exchange of friendship and I thrived on it.

Online, I let people in to see me, but this blog is a one way glass. People are getting to know us, but I am getting to know very few. Here, I had a virtual support system that was true and uplifting, but I felt very anxious in the "real" world simply because I didn't know who knew what personal details about my life. I also feel a bit of guilt for running into people who are thrilled to see me, and know so much about me and my life and shared such genuine love for us, and I could not return the favor. I don't know what is going on in their lives anymore and sometimes I don't know them at all.

Too often, people would ask how I was doing and as I responded, I would continue to talk about myself. I had made my story available and they were interested and asking about it. So, this made it too comfortable and easy not to ask people about their lives. It became an unintentional habit of selfishness.

Sometimes after leaving a conversation I would replay it in my head and realize that not once did I ask them about their life. This disappointed me. I had grown used to people being interested in me, and had lost one of my favorite parts of myself; I used to love how I loved outwardly.

I am uncomfortable being a person who is uncomfortable being around others.

So, after much thought I have decided not to continue publicly blogging our story. This has been a constant source of love and I would not trade what I gained from this blog. I have sat here and read your comments and cried and cried because the outpouring of love from you was overwhelming. I will miss that.

So this will be my final public blog for now. I am going to be spending more time with my amazing family, and being a mother, a wife, and a friend.

Thank you for lifting and loving us. Your support has meant more than I can tell you. Thank you for listening. It has been lovely.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Sometimes when I tell stories of the way Lucas jokes around he sounds like a pretty big jerk. Luckily he's not and the way he laughs at his cleverness is the cutest thing ever. Here are two gems from today.

Butterface

Lucas is sitting on the couch and I walk in the room. He kinda motions at me and says, "I like your body."
Me: "Thanks"
Lucas (making a motion circling my face): "I mean your face is Meh...but that body.." (*Thumbs up*)

Literal Interpretation

Me: "Do you know how cute I thought it would be if we had a little girl next and she called Graham 'Gwaham"?
Lucas: "No I dont because I DONT know your THOUGHTS. So...No I didn't know how cute you thought it would be! (looks at me like I'm an idiot) So the answer to your question is NO."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The whole family got sick this week. Graham got sick at church on Sunday and for the next three days it was coming out of both ends. Then yesterday Lucas and I were both sick and let me tell you, having a sick baby and being sick and having a sick husband makes for one pathetic sight. Our apartment was a wreck because everything we had to use was used but we didn't have the energy to put away and there were pillows and blankets and spit rags and bowls of uneaten soup everywhere. It was chaos. Then add that to Graham thinking his bedtime is 3am and we were a fussy bunch over here. Were feeling mostly better today.

~*~*~*~*~*~*

Have you seen the show "Traffic Light" on Netflix? Holy Smokes. We laughed SO much. It got cancelled after one season and, as Lucas puts it, it was a TV Tragedy. We're kinda obsessed with it and keep talking about it and then getting sad all over again that it was cancelled. Its so much better than Modern Family. I think it was just bad timing.

This gave me hope for netflix shows though, anything on Netflix we should watch? (We dont pay for cable or Hulu Plus, so Netflix is pretty much our only option)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

We took Graham to the Doctor's office today and he weighed 15 pounds.
This happened when setting the appointment:

Dr Office "And what is your baby's first and last name?" Me: "Graham Taylor" DO: "And what is your first and last name?" Me: "Susan Taylor" DO: "Okay" Me: "I mean Amber. My name is Amber." Lucas: "Wow"

Also, they put us in a room and forgot about us for an hour. Then the Doctor came in after Lucas went and reminded them we were there. She apologized while staring at the floor and explained that she had an "emergency". I think it was that her Lunch was in dire need of being eaten, but maybe I'm just still leftover fussy from last night.

Monday, January 20, 2014

Some of our best friends, Carrie and Scott, have decided to move to Colorado! We are SO excited! This last week Carrie flew in to Denver with their sweet little baby, Ruthie. (Future Mrs. Graham Taylor) We went to Colorado Springs to look at houses for their family and spent a few days together on the hunt. It was SO fun and good to see them. Ruthie and Graham were adorable together, it was a cuteness overload. We had a ton of fun and laughed a lot, and I wish I would have written down some of the awesome stuff we laughed at because we would have been hired as stand up comedians. Ruth is six weeks older than Graham, but she has bird bones and he is filled with cement. They make a cute pair. Also, how did I not know how cute Colorado Springs is?! Now I want to move there!

For the wedding video

Sweet little Ruthie was so cute and easy!

Carrie is a hot mama and looks like Rachel Weisz.

Graham had his first sick day. It's never good when more comes out of your baby than goes in, and it just breaks your heart. Luckily, he is getting back to normal, but seems to be grateful not to be sick anymore and has been so happy! Maybe the stomach bug is what he needed to get over his colic. (I dreamed a dream...) Also, moose and Graham had some good cuddles together, and a puppy cuddle makes everything better.

Lucas is hilarious today. Some of these things you would have to be here for them to be funny, but I want to remember them so I'm blogging it. I do what I want. mmmk?

I was sitting at the table holding Graham and Lucas was making dinner. Graham somehow slipped under my arm and bonked his head on the table. I feel terrible so I get up and go in the other room to kiss him and cuddle him. A few minutes later Lucas says from the kitchen, as if he has a great idea, "Honey! Do you want to come whack his head on a cabinet in here? You seem to be into that sort of thing..." I called him a brat and could hear him laughing at himself in the other room. :P

Just now Lou was back changing Graham's daiper. After a second I heard Lucas happily say, "YOU PEED IN YOUR PANTS! OH! You peed in your pants, Mr!" followed by major baby giggles that melt your heart. I went back to spy on them and it was so cute. One of the best parts of being a mom is honestly watching Lucas be a dad. I left them to their fun and a few minutes later Lucas came out and said, "Cutest five minutes of my life!"

I was really tired and was watching Graham have tummy time. He hasn't yet learned that he can use his arms for anything but he will lift himself up on his knees as if to crawl and then kinda slide on his chest. I said to Lucas, "LOU! Look at him! If he can learn to hold himself up with his arms and then use his knees he will be able to crawl!" to which Lucas smartly replied, "I think all babies do that." lol

Lucas has had so much fun with Graham just now and he was playing with him and then he said he needed to wash his hands so he handed the baby to me and then on his way back he sang, "I want my baby back baby back baby back! I want my baby back baby back baby back!" and he came and took him back.

Friday, January 10, 2014

My parents got Graham a teddy bear for Christmas. One day Moose saw it when I lifted it up to play with Graham after changing a diaper. He decided then that the bear was his greatest desire. He wants it with all of his heart. As often as he can, Moose goes back to the nursery to bark at the bear and jump up to see it on the dresser. I have not given it to him, but I have a feeling he won't give up the pursuit. I'll keep you updated on the progress of their relationship. Moose-0 Amber-1

Tonight, Lucas was sitting on the couch and I sat down on his lap and cuddled with him. Moose got jealous and happily hopped up to join us. We laughed and played with Moose for a second. When Moose hopped down I leaned forward and nibbled on Lucas' ear. He smiled and said, "Moose just licked that ear." uh. Moose-1 Amber-1

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

There is a quote on my parent's fridge that says, "The years teach us much which the days never knew." I believe its a Ralph Waldo Emerson quote. I feel like at this stage in my life I am enjoying one of the years lessons, though I am sure there are things my current days wont understand until years down the road.
The quote always makes makes me think of our story.
I have this image of the book of my life, where the chapter on us becoming parents was long and hard to read. Sometimes I just wanted to throw the book away and yell "Who wrote this book?! Why is every page so hard to finish?!" Or I'm crying all over the pages hoping my tears will smear the words and change our story. But then you get to the part of the book where Graham enters our life, a tiny wiggling bean of a person, and suddenly I'm flipping pages as fast as I can because I just hope the chapter has a good ending. Then he's born and after years of forcing myself to read on or speed reading sections that hurt, or skimming hard chapters, I get to the part I've waited for. The page for September 12, 2013 just says, "He is here, and he was worth it."

Every day for the last four months the book was easy to read, it just says "Happiness" on every page.

So that's my weird reason for not blogging more. There are no words. The story is simple and short. I honestly pulled up the page to write a new blog about ten times and tried to write but the only thing I could think to write every time is "I love him." and then I miss him and get back to momming.
I'll try to start posting more, because I do believe details are important and I want to record more and share our miracle with our friends and family. I am just enjoying the fact that little things don't feel as important to write about when I'm so overwhelmed with love for our little boy. (Plus he is pretty colicky, and most of my time my arms are full and blogging isn't even on the radar.)

**If you have Instagram, you can follow me and get little picture and updates of what is going on with us. It's fast and easy and I love it. My username is AmbSueTay and you'll get way to many "InstaGraham" pictures of our little boy. **

Also, please enjoy this hilarious twelve second clip that I have watched 1,345,633,463 times and its still funny.

And this of Graham laughing at Moose

Details In The Fabric was my blog title a long long time ago. It's back for now. :)

Monday, October 28, 2013

You know what I like? Graham, Lucas, and I are all the third child. I think that's cool.

It's been a weird and great and hard week. My emotions are very close to the surface because I have been so happy all the time. However, it is because of this intense happiness that I have had moments revisiting the grief of losing Molly and Kellen.

The other day Graham smiled at me. (On purpose!) His first real smile and both Lucas and I were home and saw it. We were both laughing and cheering and we were so excited, leaving our hearts in puddles on the floor. Then, later that day, every time I thought about Graham's sweet smile I caught myself wishing so deeply that I had that amazing moment with my other two babies.

I feel robbed again. I just keep thinking back to the only time we had with them. I think of their perfect little faces. The smiles we are missing out on. The eyes we never saw. The better it gets with Graham, the more aware we are of the joy we missed out on with Molly and Kellen.

I love Graham so much, and a piece of me hoped he would join our family and I would feel whole again, that he would heal our broken hearts. Well, he healed a great portion of them and he is the light of our lives, but he is also the third child. The joy that he brings does not erase the pain we felt in the past, because it was real. Our other babies were really here and they are really gone now. He is the third and my heart still aches for my first and second.

Lucas said it's a little different for him. He said he feels so happy now. For him, the memory of those nights when we lost our children is less clear, he said it's hard to remember the pain.

For me, sometimes it's so fresh and I remember the feeling so clearly that it's as though it just happened. Yesterday was like that. At church there was a beautiful musical number, Abide With Me.
That song always reminds me of the feelings I had the nights we lost them. That I knew if I didn't have the Lord with me, I wouldn't make it through the night. I cried while I listened and stared at Graham. He is so perfect and wonderful. I love every second with him. I just ache for the moments I missed with his brother and sister. It is hard to keep learning exactly what we lost as we experience more joy with Graham. We are a family of five. I delight in all my children, and I feel sorrow that nobody knows, when they look at us, that Graham is the third.

Today isn't as hard already, I'm feeling lots of happiness again. I guess grief is like that. You never know when you will revisit the hard days. I'm glad the hard days still come, and I'm glad that in the morning it hurts less. We keep learning more about ourselves and how we handle being the parents with lost children. I'm going to go cuddle my cute boy. I love him so much.

Two minutes of sleepy baby face. Jump to :35 to start the baby smiles :)

Monday, October 21, 2013

I have a camera that is supposed to take nice pictures but they always end up grainy or off colored, so I just use my iphone for all picture/video taking. Can you please tell me, all you ladies with beautiful photos, what camera you are using?? Also, is it huge? Do you just always keep a huge camera with you at all times to capture all these sweet moments? I dream of a small camera that takes gorgeous photos. Any help here?

Graham will be six weeks old this week. It is amazing how much faster six weeks goes by when he's here and I'm not scared and pregnant. It has been an amazing six weeks, lack of sleep and all. I love this little man, every single thing about him.

The other day I sang the entire Jason Mraz MR. A-Z album in the shower, not to the actual music. I had it memorized, and I'm pretty sure I even sang the songs in the correct order. I listened to it enough when it came out that it was like one long song, without thinking I would end one song and start singing the next one because I didn't feel done. Maybe that's really sad, but maybe it's also awesome.

Lucas and I catch ourselves swaying back and forth whenever we are standing still. Its really cute when I see Lucas do his baby-less dad sway just by habit.

We took Moose to the groomer today, I felt guilty from the moment we dropped him off. I just feel bad, like I'm being a huge jerk dropping him off at this place where I know he'll be scared and angry and put in a kennel. (We have never made Moose sleep in or stay in a kennel because I think it's mean. We did one time on vacation and I cried.) I know they aren't mean to him there or anything, but I still feel bad because I know how much he hates it. At least he looks awesome now, they did a great job.

I teared up watching Indianapolis' warm welcome to Peyton Manning during the broncos game the other day. Was I the only one? It was very touching.

I feel weird when I'm not holding Graham. I sit in the backseat with him when Lucas drives just because I want to be as close to him as possible all the time. I bet he will love that kind of mom behavior when he gets older.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

I know it's probably a love bias, but I think I have the cutest baby in the world.

I kept trying the cloth diapers and they aren't so bad actually. I like them well enough and will keep using them when I am just hanging out at home. The satisfaction comes with knowing we are saving money every time I put him in cloth and that his little tush is cozy. However, I have found that when he is in cloth and he goes #2, I catch myself sighing and a tiny piece of me thinks, Boo Hiss. Its getting better though.

I'm not that into Halloween this year. I'm loving fall and the smells and the cool air, but for some reason I can't get into the werewolf bar mitzvah spooky scary part of the year. I think it's because it takes too much energy and I'm pretty sleep deprived.

Baby weight is much more stubborn the third time around. I am ten pounds away from my pre-third-pregnancy weight and a dream away from my pre-any-pregnancy body. BUT, next week I should be allowed to work out again, and I'm excited! I was hoping nursing would help out with the bounce back, since I didn't get to nurse the last two times, but so far it's not proving to be a weight loss trick.

Lucas and I have decided that when the time comes we will be homeschooling our kiddos. The public school system is no longer a place I would want to send my kids to be taught. I'm excited about this decision and I'm hoping by then I'll have made some friends with babies the same ages and we can do a homeschool group. I know this is about 5 years down the road, but this was a big decision.

I'm going to start doing a Project Life rip-off scrapbook for Graham. I am not going to pay for their pre-made cards because I have lots of supplies to make my own and I'm cheap. However, I did by knock off page protectors and I can print my own journalling cards and use what I have to make it cool. I'm excited to get started. (I'm still not done with Kellens book, or even close, so I'll have to balance both)

I dont know if I mentioned here, but we were asked to wait until Graham is six months old to become foster parents. So in 5 more months we will put our application back in to foster to adopt. It was actually quite a blow to be told to wait because we were so excited to be through all the training and having our homestudy, but I know why they told us to give it time. Plus, I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't loving me one-on-one time with our miracle baby.

The people in the condo below us are really nice, but I want them to move away. They have two boxers that they never walk, so they get whiney and barky during the day, they bark at everything and sometimes I think they just bark because they aren't allowed outside to run off energy. I feel horrible for these pups. Second reason I want them to move is because they chain smoke like they are paid to do it. (the people, not the dogs- noduh) We have to keep the doors and windows closed all the time because around the clock, about every hour or so, the lovely scent of cheap cigarettes flows up and into our house. Even though I love the quick mental flash to Six Flags, I do hate the smell and hate it in my house, especially now that Graham is here. We have to strategically time our balcony use to fit around their addiction, and I hate it. At least they have this fancy ash tray pot.

Moose has been so cute with Graham since he joined the family. He is very very protective and every couple hours he comes to find Graham, and wants to sniff him or lick his head. He makes sure he is fine and then goes back to his doggy day. When people he doesn't know come over, Moose with stand between them and the baby, and he will bark at them if they pick Graham up until I tell him that they are an approved baby-holder. Here is a video from this morning of Moose trying to play with Graham, its the cutest thing ever.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Having a newborn is just as exhausting as people say it is. TV shows aren't lying when they show new parents showing up a disheveled mess with bags under their eyes. But it's cool, I can't honestly say that I mind sweatpants and ponytails.

I got a good deal on some G diaper brand cloth diapers. We put Graham in them after he was home a week. You know, when the black tar poop was finally gone. I was really excited to cloth diaper, I actually stayed home from going out before Graham was born to organize and clean and admire the ones I bought. Weird maybe, but I have spent hours researching diapers and was excited to try something and save money.

So after a few days with Graham in the diapers, Lucas, who is kindly trying to go along with it, came home from work and as he picked up Graham he says, "So.... are we still cloth diapering?!" hahaha, I could hear the hope in his voice that I would say, "No because I hate it! NEVER AGAIN!" But I said, "yes."

There is a different style of diaper for newborns with the brand I bought, called the tiny gpant. (see the picture below) Its for babies under 10 pounds. So We tried them first. One day, we went back into the nursery with a poopy diaper and changed Graham. I had heard they leaked if they were on tight, so we put it loosely around his waist. With his new clean diaper on (HOLY SMOKES CUTE) we came out to the kitchen to eat dinner with my mom, who had come to stay with us the first week and help out.

After a few minutes, Lucas suddenly goes, "Look at Graham's feet! Oh my gosh!" I look over and Grahams feet are hanging out from under a blanket and they are both dark purple, almost black. We all jump up and rush him over to the couch, remove the blanket and see that his legs are both turning black all the way up to the diaper. We immediately take the diaper off and Grahams legs instantly start to go back to a pink fleshy color. It was horrible and scary. I mean, what if we had put him under a blanket completely or put him in the mamaroo and he had napped? I hate to think about it. So we decided not to use those diapers ever again.

For the next two weeks we used disposable diapers, and I'm glad about it because Graham is a poop machine. If I'm being honest I think we change about 14 to 15 diapers a day and probably 12 of those are poopy. Well today I tried the next size up of g diapers since Graham is close to 10 pounds now and they are made differently than the newborn g-pant. Graham fits in them well and they are seriously the cutest thing I've ever seen. Unfortunately, the liners are already staining and 4 of the 5 diapers I have changed have leaked because the design is kinda silly. Soooo yeah, I'm thinking I might sell these diapers on craigslist. Not a g diaper fan in real life. The only pro I'm finding so far is that they are adorable. Anyone want to try them, maybe they would fit better on a baby with a different build..?

I think I will try the charlie banana brand diapers next, however my cloth diaper excitement has taken a serious hit. Also, my washing machine takes FOREVER even just to do a rinse cycle so the amount of time it takes to clean the diapers is ridiculous. I wont give up yet.... right? Bah.

Also, we dont have a toilet sprayer because...hello $$$$, so I'm having to rinse the inserts in less than pleasant way and Lucas doesn't complain even though I know he is disgusted.

Friday, October 4, 2013

I spent 2 hours making a slideshow on a site that claimed it was free, but then it wouldn't let me save the slideshow or post it here unless I paid $50. Not doing that. On the bright side, Graham is adorable.