"Bulbs and bolsters! Nikabrik. Why need you talk so unhandsomely? It isn't the creature's fault that it bashed its head against a tree outside our hole."-Trumpkin (the Red Dwarf) to Nikabrik (the Black Dwarf) in Prince Caspian

Special Note: I asked and you have spoken (or not spoken), and I hear your deafening silence. Consequently, I have discontinued running edited chapters of Fagin Dupree. The Link to Chapters 10-26 is hidden but still up, so for the two of you who were enjoying reading through the novel all you have to do is write me and I will provide that link. The last two thirds have not been edited yet, but at least you can see what the story looked like before I chop it all up.

^^^

I told you last week I had a team name, but I was not going to tell you what it was until now. That is because I did not want to jinx my guys this weekend, and my plan worked. Going into Monday Night Football, my team is up 116.2 to 85.2, each of us still with two players left to play. My opponent potentially has the higher scoring player, but the odds of him catching up are slight. (I am not so hubristic, even up 31 points, as to declare victory. The gods like to punish that sort of thing. So let's just say I am cautiously optimistic. In fact, just in case, I better say that I expect my opponent to come back and crush me.)

The first weekend has been exciting, and along with going for the win (which I'm sure I will not get), I'm also in line for high score. Besides bragging rights, this allows me to change my team name! Yay! However, I put TONS of thought into my name this time, and I happen to love it, so I think I will be keeping it for the time being.

Speaking of team names, everyone seemed to put more thought into their names this season, which led me to do a ranking of the 12 team names. What place will my team come in? I bet you'll never guess!

THE TOP 12 FANTASY FOOTBALL TEAM NAMES (2007 ONLY) FOR THE SPRINGFIELD FOOTBALL LEAGUE

#12 Biloxi Injuns - I'm no P.C. Wuss, but I hesitated to find a picture to illustrate this team. Luckily I googled Miss Mississippi, and found the above picture. (No word on which bitch won)

#11 ROFLsberger - This might have been funny two years ago, but now is just lame, especially considering that Roethlisberger isn't even on his team! (In case you're not in the know, ROFL is IM-speak for "Rolling on the Floor Laughing")

#10 Raegan's a Calvin fan - This team name refers to the owners unborn daughter, but I'm not too keen on posting a picture of her, so I went to Wikipedia and typed in "Raegan," only to be happy to discover there was a Raegan Raulston (center), who was Miss Teen Mississippi, 2006. (That's what I like to call a nice Hyperincidence.)

#9 The King of Jellies - This comes from the Webcomic Red Meat. I guess you had to be there.)

#8 Up in hot llamas - Apparently from the hotllama media player for your computer, although god only knows if there is an earlier origin. When I did a Google image search on "hot llama" I came up with this smoking hot woman, but decided I had better not post the picture, since I'm already pushing it with the beauty queens. Instead, you get the wonderful pic above. You know what? Screw it! It's a legitimate picture (Google-image it for yourself, AND she has a soccer ball in her hand, which in the rest of the world is futbol. I call that kismet.

#7 Johnny Utah - Named for the heroic character in POINT BREAK. Someone actually started a Johnny Utah Society, which I find very cool. We definitely need to do a Top Ten Keanu Reeves list.

#6 Dan Dan the Dancing Man's All Stars - I assumed this was some sort of inside joke, only to Google it and find that video. It's unbelievably bad, so watch it at your own peril.

#5 Big Body Donks - A bit of research (and several false leads) has led me to discover that Big Body Donks are those cares you see all jacked up high off their wheels. The name comes from (and I swear I am not making this up) badonkadonk, as in, if you do this to your wheels, your car will have a big ol' ass. (You know what badonkadonk is, right? Well, in case you don't, I feel justified in showing you the picture below.)

#4 River Tam Beats up Everyone - See picture above (might have to click on it for full view.) This would make a decent movie....if she were naked.

#3 Milkshake-Powered Psychonaut Bears - You come to the Hyperion Institute, you learn (even me!). I just found out that a Pyschonaut is NOT a crazy astronaut who wears adult diapers all day and drives all over the South to take out rival chicks, but rather, "a person who uses trance technologies from any of the world's religions, modern psychology, meditation, and other assorted paradigms, to explore the psyche, their own consciousness, and potentially improve real performance of certain psychological tasks. The term is often associated with the use of hallucinogens or entheogens as guides, or means, to achieve inward spiritual experiences." Of course, I found out is it also a video game starring this dude, and knowing the team owner, a much more likely source for the team name.

#2 Ferret Freedom Alliance - I feel like this is the next Redwall novel waiting to happen. I would join this group in an instant.

And the number one Fantasy Football team name in my league this year.......

#1 Baryon the MACHO Black Dwarf - Okay, so it's my name. Whaddya expect me to do: not support my guys? This name probably seems a bit strange, unless you're a theoretical physicist, in which case you're probably ROFLing right now. Basically, the team name contains three terms (Baryon; MACHO; Black Dwarf) that are all related to theoretical physics. More specifically, they are all related to Dark Matter and Dark Energy, something Hyperion has become increasingly interested in the last few months. If you're an intelligent curious person do yourself a favor and Wikipedia those three terms (along with Dark Matter and Dark Energy). The five articles should give you a quick layman's grasp of what we're talking about. In all seriousness it's the biggest story in the universe (both literally and figuratively) not being discussed. When I come back from break, we're going to get into it a bit more. For now, please help me cheer on my team, and root for Baryon the MACHO Black Dwarf!

[This list is part of RANK EVERYTHING, where more great lists can be found!]