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Though listening to Christmas music in the store or on the radio is likely to make my ears bleed thanks to a holiday stint at Macy’s, many may beg to differ. Mostly because we have people who buy Christmas albums this time of year, many by pop artists willing to earn some sweet extra cash. And despite the saturated Christmas atmosphere of today, Christmas albums have existed for decades. After all, I’ve been doing annual posts like these for years. Don’t believe me? Then see what Michael Jackson looks like on the cover in the intro image. I mean he doesn’t seem to resemble the weird King of Pop he’d become in his later years. Nonetheless, many of these covers can be quite strange and outrageous to say the least. So for your reading pleasure this holiday season, I give you another treasury of crazy yuletide covers that time forgot.

Pete Gold: Merry Payday Christmas

Santa Claus knows if you’ve been bad or good. So be good for goodness sake. Or else, Santa will straight out murder your ass. So you better watch out, you better not cry. And you better not pout, I’m telling you why.

Because this year, Santa means business.

2. Elvis Presley: Christmas with Elvis

Christmas is supposed to be a happy. But Elvis appears rather depressed. Wonder what’s wrong.

Apparently, Elvis is having a blue Christmas this year.

3. Arthur Fiedler & the Boston Pops: A Christmas Festival

From Classic FM: “You’re not fooling anyone, Arthur. Give the suit back now.”

This time Arthur plays Santa.

4. Bad Religion: Father Christmas

Funny, how it appears on an album cover. Since I usually see Santa smoking in Vintage ads. But Santa doesn’t seem to give a shit.

Hope you don’t mind, Santa needs to light.

5. James Galway: James Galway’s Christmas Carol

From Classic FM: “In which a scarfed Jeremy Beadle annoys the neighbours with his incessant flute-playing.”

He also does outdoor shows during the holidays.

6. Para Bailar: Drum Christmas Drum

She also doesn’t seem keen on her man kissing her on the forehead. Just look at her bulging eyes of shock.

While her portait has been textured in garden mosaic.

7. Canadian Brass: The Christmas Album

From Classic FM: “Sorry guys. Another entry for Canadian Brass. No matter how hard you parp your brass at that tree, it’s not going to make it a merry Christmas.”

Blowing their horns at the Christmas tree, are they?

8. Dionne Warwick and Placido Domingo: Christmas in Vienna II

From Classic FM: “As unlikely pairings go, this is one of the strongest we’ve seen. Worth it for the kid in front of Placido’s expression alone.”

Apparently, one of the 3 Tenors decided to duet with a noted soul singer.

9. Christmas Carols from Winchester Cathedral

From Classic FM: “Because nothing says Christmas like identical twin choirboys and a candle the size of a grandfather clock.”

Featuring 2 choir boys and a towering candle.

10. The Cousins: The Cousins Celebrate Xmas.

The guy’s like “Wow, just what I always wanted.” While the other guys are like, “Not exactly what I expected. But hey, he seems to like it.”

Here Santa presents one of them with a brand new electric guitar.

11. Ernest Borgnine with the Brinton Maridon Orchestra: The Nine Days of Christmas

Besides, before he won an Academy Award for Marty, Ernest Borgnine was best known for beating Frank Sinatra to death in From Here to Eternity. Also, his smiling expression is kind of creepy.

For some reason Ernest Borgnine doesn’t strike me as having a good singing voice.

12. Garth Brooks & Trisha Yearwood: Christmas Together

Apparently, Garth seems like he’s terrified by his singing partner Trisha. While Trisha probably has a skeleton collection in her walk-in closet. Wait a minute, those two are married?

I can see the expression on Garth Brooks’ face silently screaming “Help me!”

13. Herb Alpert: The Christmas Wish with Symphony and Choir

For a man as legendary as Herb Alpert, you’d think he wouldn’t need to work as a mall Santa. Then again, maybe he just does it for amusement.

To supplement his income during the holiday season, the legendary Herb Alpert fills in part-time as a mall Santa.

14. Hurra Por Santa Claus!

By the way, the movie was a stupid as you expect. Still, you can’t help but laugh at Santa riding a rocket between his legs.

From the motion picture Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.

15. The Kingston Trio: The Last Month of the Year

From Music Radar: “The clean-cut folk trio pictured committing typically chirpy group suicide by electrocution following the release of their 1960 seasonal release.”

Guess who’s come with presents?

16. Mae West: Wild Christmas

Well, Mae West was always an attractive woman. But Santa seems a bit more than attracted to her.

Boy, Mrs. Claus is gonna be pissed.

17. Chris Farren: Like a Gift from God or Whatever

Still, it doesn’t help that he’s wearing a Christmas wreath around his face. Seriously, that just looks really dumb.

Apparently, this man has a rather high opinion about Christmas or himself.

18. Michala Petri: Noel! Noel! Noel!: Christmas with Michala Petri

Seriously, what the hell are those boys wearing? Because those outfits seem straight from a Transylvanian castle.

Featuring the sons of Dracula.

19. Robert Alagna: The Christmas Album

From Classic FM: “Looks like Michael Bolton’s hair and his mum’s gloves were on the Christmas list this year. Season’s greetings, Roberto!”

Here he is out in the snow wearing a fur coat.

20. Olgay Tony: Santa Claus a Go Go

Didn’t he could wear a polo shirt and an ascot tie. Like he’s some rich jerk at a polo match.

Since when did Santa get so thin and casual?

21. The Gantvoort Twins: The Gantvoort Twins Sing Christmas Carols

Then again, they might be playing music to muffle their discussion about what to do with Gladys. Because Gladys needs to pay for what she did.

Am I seeing double at the record player?

22. Jan Gorussen: Prettice Kerstdagen

Though while Santa may enjoy a polka now and then, the reindeer have gotten spastic over it. But Santa doesn’t care.

Featuring Santa Claus playing the accordion.

23. More Christmas Disco

I know this was released during the 1970s. But do you think I’d want to be dancing to disco versions of Christmas songs? No.

You mean there’s more disco Christmas music?

24. Redneck Christmas

Guess someone’s been driving his sleigh too many times under the influence. Yet, how were police to know?

Okay, what did Santa do now?

25. Billy Idol: Happy Holidays

Aside playing piano in a hotel lounge, Billy Idol also works as a bouncer at a nearby bar. So don’t mess with him. Or he’ll beat you to a pulp.

1980s sensation Billy Idol is here to make your season bright.

26. Phillips 66 Present Tijuana Christmas

Does it actually snow in Tijuana? Of course, not since their winters are comparatively mild. Also, what’s Santa doing in the back seat?

I’m sure they’re not driving through Tijuana.

27. The Three Stooges: Christmas Time with the Three Stooges

What the hell are Curly and Moe doing to Larry? From how they’ve put him in a time machine, he’s probably history.

Santa is creepy enough. But the elf trolls make the Elf on the Shelf look like a bunny rabbit since they’re simply terrifying.

Featuring Santa and his elves from your nightmares.

29. Tweenies: The Christmas Album

I don’t know who they are. But I think they’re a British knock off of Sesame Street. Yet, they don’t seem to have any of the warmth or charm.

Featuring puppets singing Christmas songs and their dog.

30. Mariah Carey: Merry Christmas II You

Don’t look now. But I think the snowman likes what he sees of Mariah Carey from behind.

You can bet a rendition of “All I Want for Christmas Is You” is on the track listings somewhere.

31. Little Steven’s Underground Garage: Christmas a Go Go

Also, what’s the deal with Rudolph’s head on Santa’s motorcycle? Seriously, that’s just fucked up.

What the hell is Santa on?

32. Cliff Richard: Christmas with Cliff Richard 1968

Look, I know this album came out in the 1960s. But this cover seems like something that’s designed from a Microsoft print shop program from the 2000s.

Apparently, his album design crew was on a budget.

33. Curt Davis: Something New for Christmas

Though he kind of reminds you of your jerkass boss who’d send you a Jelly of the Month Club membership instead of an actual bonus. Also, his sweater’s kind of tacky.

Wonder what he’d want from Santa.

34. Wurlitzer Christmas

From Classic FM: “Two disturbing things: the ghostly image of Santa’s slippers (are they slippers, actually?) on the pedals, and the fact that someone has made a Wurlitzer Christmas album.”

Presenting all your Christmas favorites on keyboard organ.

35. Christmas Eve with Colonel Sanders

Seems like he has visions of fried chicken dance in his head. Too bad he’s been behind a lot of heart attacks of the decades.

Apparently, the Colonel has fallen asleep near the fireside.

36. Yellowman: A Very, Very Yellow Christmas

Essentially, a yellow Christmas is a white Christmas. Except that you realize that local animals have been using your yard as a toilet.

Quick, someone tell him what a “yellow Christmas” actually means.

37. Pentatonix: That’s Christmas to Me

From The Things: “The album cover to Pentatonix’s “That’s Christmas To Me” is one of two things. It’s either trying too hard to look like a candid we’re-all-having-a-great-time-and-love-being-around-each-other photo, or this is how these people exist in real life. And that’s something we’ve never seen before.”

When you smile for the photo for the 100th time and just want to leave.

38. Lee Greenwood: Christmas to Christmas

From The Things: “What’s awkward about this Christmas album cover, besides the unearned pose, is that the fire seems inexplicably fake, his sweater (or sweatshirt?) looks a little too big, and you just can’t stop looking at his Christmas package.”

You know the guy who sang the cheesy “I’m Proud to Be an American” that will drive you up a wall on the 4th of July? Apparently, he has a Christmas album.

39. We Wish You a Hairy Christmas

From The Things: “What’s awkward about this holiday album cover is not the adult-film-star-looking model, but what is surrounding her. The giant prop candy cane is all well and good, but over her right shoulder stands the head of a deer, a reindeer perhaps, staring blankly outward. One of its antlers, curiously enough, looks like a knife stabbing the poor creature in the head. It could easily be a trick of optics, but the fact remains that the deer simply doesn’t need to be there.”

Presenting a scantily clad model in front of a deer head.

40. A Nostalgic Merry Christmas to You

From The Things: “Is this awkward Christmas album cover really supposed to make people nostalgic for Christmas? I get that it sparks the memory and majesty of opening presents on Christmas morning, but we can’t relate to this one bit. I’ve never seen parents that get THIS done up for Christmas morning. And look! Those kids are somehow dressed, too. What IS this nonsense?!?! Did they go to sleep in those clothes? Because no kid waits to get dressed on Christmas before tearing maniacally through presents from Santa. Maybe they’re on their way to church? Or they have brunch plans with the National Insurance League? Whatever the concept is, a family this cleaned up on Christmas morning is a total lie.”

Yes, listen to the songs of Christmas when families would dress in church attire before opening their gifts on Christmas morning.

41. Travis Tritt: A Travis Tritt Christmas: Loving Time of the Year

From One Country: ” Christmas should be simple. But, this is anything but. Also, there’s a cartoon band with a dog on this album cover, plus a real Travis Tritt? All of the things are happening here.”

Apparently, Travis hasn’t been seen outside cartoonland for years.

42. Clint Black: Looking for Christmas

From One Country: “Poor Clint just out in the snow look for Christmas by the glow of one small candle. Do you think he found it? Why a candle instead of a flashlight? What about a map? Or perhaps, a calendar?”

Though it’s hard to say whether he’s having any luck finding it.

43. Ronnie Milsap: Christmas with Ronnie Milsap

From One Country: “At first glance Christmas with Ronnie Milsap looks like a blast. But, the second, third, fourth and 27th glances offer different opinions.”

Nothing says Christmas like rising out of the jack-in-a-box and scaring the crap out of everybody.

44. Joe Diffie: Mr. Christmas

From One Country: “I want this to be a Hallmark movie so bad– ‘Joe Diffie is Mr. Christmas, this Saturday at 8.'”

Available at a 1980s cowboy bar or trailer park near you.

45. J.J. Hrubovcak: Death Metal Christmas

Though your grandparents will certainly be offended by the demon Madonna and child. Though they’ll probably never see it anyway.

For those who wish for a not so silent night.

46. Merry X-Mas, Dammit from the Double Down Saloon

For to spend Christmas at a bar, you must either be dead inside with no family. Or outside as this martini holding skeleton.

For nothing brings the magic of the holidays like spending Christmas in a Vegas bar full of drunks.

47. The Osmonds: Osmond Family Christmas

Seriously, the Osmonds seem less like a wholesome family and more of the family that slays together in the dead of night. Don’t you dare let them in your home.

Don’t mind the glowing carolers in the window.

48. CantArte Regensburg & Hubert Velten: Gregorian Christmas

Though I wonder who’s wearing the red hood. I know it’s supposed to be a monk. But it could be some kind of nefarious Christmas spirit.

If you’re into a real old-fashioned Christmas, this is the album for you.

49. Dino: A Wonderful Time of the Year

From The Man in the Gray Flannel Suit: “For those times when Barry Manilow is just a little too edgy, there’s Dino Kartsonakis.”

Think of him as a low-rent Barry Manilow.

50. Kenny G: Faith: A Holiday Album

From The Things: “Well before Photoshop or flameless candles- photographers had to inspire warm fuzzy Christmas album covers the old fashioned way; with real live, hair burning fire. In this strange and awkward Christmas album cover, we have adult contemporary hero, Kenny G, in what would have been used as ‘Exhibit A’ in the lawsuit against the record label.”

While you might have noteworthy covers like the Fleetwood Mac Rumors album, there are plenty that aren’t on the standard radar. Mostly because they’re not very memorable since they normally feature the artist and the title. Yet, do a Google search and you’ll find plenty of album covers that can quite ridiculous. A lot of them can be unintentionally funny, creepy, or inappropriate. While some of them can be more risque than you’d think they be, considering if the release date was before 1970. Some can just be plain weird, especially if they’re sci-fi inspired or aimed to children. Nonetheless, most of these musical acts typically remain unknown. Though you’ll find a noted singer or band once in awhile. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another treasure trove of crazy old album covers. Enjoy.

Moe Bandy: I Just Started Hatin’ Cheatin’ Songs Today

You can’t find a more country album like this. Apparently, his wife left him, his dog died, his pick up truck broke down, and he almost went to prison. And he probably has a drinking problem.

Moe has never been the same since Sandra left him for Pablo the pool boy.

2. The Beatles: Yesterday and Today

Yes, even the Beatles had their share of terrible album covers like a the infamous butcher cover. Fortunately for collectors, this one is worth a lot of money.

Unfortunately, even the Beatles weren’t above mutilation.

3. Ivory Chuck: Ivory Chuck at the Ivories

Ivory Chuck can always be handy with the piano keys. Yet, mess with him and he’ll strangle you and dump you in the river.

Hustler by day, lounge musician by night.

4. Ferrante and Teicher: Blast Off!

One guy is lying with his legs up on the piano like he’s supposed to be in zero gravity. Star Trek this is not.

Unfortunately, they didn’t qualify as space camp material.

5. If the Bomb Falls: A Recorded Guide to Survival

Sorry, but I don’t think this album has any good information on surviving nukes. Seriously, if a nuke dropped where you live, you’re most likely to die.

Need to know about surviving nukes? This album will tell you everything you need to know.

6. Music for Dreaming

And yet, they lie in street clothes in the snow. Outside a village with very small people. My guess they’ll end up like Gulliver before they wake up.

Finally, a album you can play while you sleep.

7. Dwayne Smith: “Get Directly Down”

Nonetheless, Dwayne is determined to hold a beach concert as a low-budget Elton John with his keyboard and amplifier in tow. While his trusted dog is by his side.

Why directly? Was “Get Down” already taken?

8. Esquivel: Exploring New Sounds in Stereo

Then again, to explore new sounds in space may require a way larger telescope than he could muster. And they wouldn’t sell it in stores.

And yet, he’s using a telescope.

9. Si Zetner and His Orchestra: The Swingin’ Eye

Someone must’ve been on acid to design this cover. Seriously, you’d think she was from the VFD strip club from A Serie of Unfortunate Events.

Featuring a large eye with a lady’s butt and legs.

10. Warren Barker and His Orchestra: William Holden Presents a Musical Touch of Far Away Places

Here William Holden sits in the study with a nervous smile. Hoping the band doesn’t play the “Colonel Bogey March.”

Apparently, the bongos is making William Holden feel cramped.

11. The Stanley Johnson Orchestra: Have Harp Can’t Travel

I’m sure any concert hall would have a harp there. I mean almost every one of them has a piano.

Yeah, I don’t think you can fit that in a tour bus.

12. Si Zetner and His Orchestra: High Noon Cha Cha Cha

Sure she’s topless and wears high heel sandals. But ogle at her bare rack long enough and she’ll take you out her six shooters.

Featuring the notorious Ta-Ta Jane, the best topless straight shooter in the Old West.

13. Music to Light Your Pilot By

Wonder what the pilot’s going to do with that large wooden propeller. Hope he’s not thinking a threesome.

After all, pilots need music while having sex, too.

14. Maya Angelou: Miss Calypso

Yes, that’s Maya Angelou herself dancing to the fire in a strapless dress that she could stick her leg out. I know it’s kind of uncomfortable to see her this way.

Here you can listen to the great American poet and author sing calypso music.

15. The Incomparable Robin Hood Band: Spectacular Sounds

If you had to wear a humiliating marching band uniform in high school, imagine having to dress up like Robin Hood while playing professionally. Because these guys look totally ridiculous.

Hear the music from this band of merry men.

16. Living Strings: Music to Help You Stop Smoking

Wonder what kind of songs would be on this album. And wonder if that music helps people to break the habit.

Because if you need to quit, put on this record while going cold turkey.

17. Music to Keep Your Husband Happy

Indeed, this is album is meant to be played during sex. Nonetheless, I’m sure Barry White and Marvin Gaye are somewhere on the listings.

Includes booklets inside to spice up your love life.

18. Fun’Da’Mental: Erotic Terrorism

This is by a British Muslim hip-hop group from the 1990s which is still around today. Yet, the cover seems ripped from a foreign film about a guy with a thirst for revenge.

You don’t mess with this man with a gun.

19. Diesel Smoke, Dangerous Curves, and Other Truck Driver Favorites

And yet, the cover features a truck stop waitress. Mostly because they think sex sells somehow.

If your job takes you on the road, here’s the soundtrack for you.

20. The Gateway Singers

Yet, the outfits are much to be desired. Seriously, plaid sport coats and drapery dresses?

They’re just a wholesome group in front of a cabin.

21. Ron Johnson: “Happiness” with Ron Johnson

Here he has his guitar in the garden. While he sings, “The Tax Returns Don’t File Themselves.”

Ladies and gentlemen, Ron from accounting would like to sing a song for you.

22. Jeff: Something Special from Jeff

From Mental Floss: “Poor Jeff looks like death warmed over, from his Herman Munster tan to that funeral director suit. I just hope the ‘something special’ he’s got for us doesn’t involve that hook.”

Presenting something special by the all incomparable Jeff.

23. Rusty Warren: Knockers Up!

They seem awfully close to one another while drinking martinis. I think I know where this is going.

This drummer always knows how to turn on the charm.

24. Alan Gardiner Accordion Band: Play It Again

Oh, God, you don’t want to have 4 accordions in a room like that. That’s not a party. That’s torture.

With accordions you’ll always have a party.

25. Zillertal Band: Beer Drinking Songs by the Zillertal Band

Yes, this album features a lot of German drinking songs. And a couple of guys just have to enjoy a beer with a barmaid who might be a Vulcan.

Finally, an album you can play for Ocktoberfest.

26. Millie Jackson: E.S.P

Nonetheless, the crystal ball seems to magnify her boobs. Since the ball is almost totally transparent.

Millie Jackson sees all, knows all.

27. Elin Proysen and Egil Johansson: Med et Smil

This is from Norway. Still, on the bright side, despite being stranded on their car, their music could attract flood rescuers.

Just because you’ve been flooded on the road, doesn’t mean you can’t have fun making music.

28. Mohamed El-Bakkar and His Oriental Ensemble: Port Said Music of the Middle East

Still, it features a very scantily clad belly dancer that would infuriate many Muslims today. Besides, are those nipple pasties?

Be transported to exotic places with music from the Middle East.

29. Li’l Richard and His All Stars: Happy Easter

Yet, he probably got that nickname while in prison for armed robbery. And no, I don’t think the bunnies soften his rough-hewn image.

No, he’s not that L’il Richard.

30. The McKeithens

I mean the one woman has a beehive that’s straight from the 1700s. And yes, this is a Christian album.

Brought to you by Marie Antoinette hair products.

31. Jean Pierre Jumez: The Nimble Fingers of Jean Pierre Jumez

Seriously, is this guy even wearing pants? Maybe I really don’t want to know.

He’s a musician so dedicated to his art that he practices on the toilet.

32. Siegfried Schwab & the Voice of Rosy: The Fabulous Guitar from Bach to Almeida

Ironically, Johann Sebastian Bach wasn’t known for being a perv. In fact, he was a family man known for fathering 20 kids with 2 wives.

Didn’t know Bach was into women in pink bodysuits.

33. Sister Mary Bernadette O.P.: Sister Sings of Many Things

So what kind of things does she sing about? Okay, I know religious music is most likely. But for all I know she could be singing about pina coladas or something.

There’s not just one singing nun out there.

34. Daniel DiCarlo and His Orchestra: Moonlight Madness

Indeed, she’s touching the whiskers of a guy in a tiger suit. An early example of furry fandom at its finest.

Featuring Ginger and her tiger friend.

35. Buzz Martin: Where There Walks a Logger There Walks a Man

Monty Python lumberjack-transvestite jokes aside, loggers aren’t known for their resilience. Should more appropriately be titled: Where There Walks a Logger There Walks a High Insurance Risk.

Because lumberjacks are the pinnacle of manliness.

36. Willeta Boren: Let Everything That Has Breath Praise the Lord

And yet, the wind has no effect on her large hairdo. Thanks to copious amounts of hair spray.

Here we have Willeta walking on the sand.

37. Black Sabbath: Born Again

Man, that’s one freakish baby. Even has devil horns, fans, and claws. Still, Black Sabbath is a metal band so this isn’t out of the ordinary for them.

Featuring the infant spawn of Satan.

38. Cody Matherson: “Can I Borrow a Feelin?'”

From Mental Floss: “Cody had the great honor of having his album title stolen by the writers of The Simpsons: in the episode “A Milhouse Divided,” after Milhouse’s dad loses his marriage and hits rock bottom he records a terrible album called “Can I Borrow A Feeling?” Sounds like Matherson should borrow a lawyer.”

By the hunkiest man from the trailer park.

39. The Melachrino Orchestra: Music for Daydreaming

Yet, she feels quite inadequate with her life. With a boyfriend who won’t give her the time of day and a dead-end job, Blanche often sought to live a fantasy life.

Brought to you by the woman reading her book with a yellow rose.

40. ET: Best Friends

Seriously, his pants have seashells on them. Also, comes across as a rap artist Eddie Murphy would parody on SNL during the 1980s.

After Thanksgiving, it’s not unusual to hear Christmas music played in stores as well as on several radio stations. And if you work in the service industry, you’re probably sick of hearing Christmas songs already, especially if they make your ears bleed. Of course, you may also see an array of Christmas albums by some of your favorite recording artists who worked on them during the summer. In some ways, recording a Christmas album might seem like a good idea. After all, some artists have recorded songs that have become holiday classics. Yet, other times a Christmas album might come across as a way to make money and will probably end up in the discount rack at a store near you. Nevertheless, as with any albums, Christmas albums come in a wide variety of covers. Some of them could seem tame like the Johnny Mathis cover above. But others come in covers that are hysterically tacky or in very poor taste. And in that case, you might wonder why anyone though such a design was a good idea. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of crazy Christmas album covers.

Gisele MacKenzie: Christmas with Gisele

Apparently, the dogs seem to have others ideas. Also, is she hugging a fur coat?

There’s nothing better than spending Christmas with your dogs.

2. RuPaul: Ho Ho Ho

I’m sure this yuletide drag routine is fine for RuPaul’s Drag Race. But for a Christmas album? Not so much. Also, the title doesn’t help matters either.

Evidently, RuPaul has tried to make forays into the Christmas music scene.

3. Yoko Ono: An Xmas Message from Yoko 1991

This doesn’t seem to be very Christmasy. Nothing here seems to inspire good cheer at all. Just a vast blackness.

Yoko would like to say something for the holiday season.

4. Bette Midler: Cool Yule

Bette Midler looks as if she’s about select tributes on Reaping Day. Not celebrate Christmas.

Didn’t know that Bette Midler was a fan of the Hunger Games.

5. God Jul Onskar

Though Towa couldn’t seem to eke a smile since a fly had been buzzing around her. This was the best she could do.

The whole gang would like to wish you holiday greetings.

6. Liberace: Christmas at Liberace’s

Then again, Santa was probably expecting a gaudy palace. And he was disappointed that he came to surprisingly normal furnishings.

Guess the chemistry they had in Grease has evaporated. Also, is that John’s real hair?

I guess this is the Grease reunion none of us wanted.

8. Jingle Cats: Here Comes Santa Claws

Can’t believe you’d find another cat singing album. Still, the cat on the guitar is hilarious.

For those wanting to listen to cats screeching to holiday favorites, this is for you.

9. The Clancy Brothers: Christmas

Don’t seem to have any Christmas decorations here. But you have a couple glaring Irish stereotypes.

There’s nothing better than spending Christmas in an Irish pub.

10. Mojo Nixon and the Toadliquors: Horny Holidays

Yeah, that guy seems more suited for a sex offender list than a Christmas album cover. And no, the Santa hat and beard doesn’t help.

Merry Christmas, from your local neighborhood sexual deviant.

11. Bob Ward: Merry Christmas, Especially for You

No, I don’t think the girls like Bob from accounting because he plays the organ. Rather it’s because he spends his lunch breaks creeping in the ladies room.

Because nothing makes the holidays like a creepy bald guy playing Christmas music on his organ.

12. A Brass Band Christmas

I’m sure the music is good. But depicting instruments as cartoon characters is more appropriate for a kids’ album.

We all know how brass guys stick together during the holidays.

13. Afroman: Jobe Bells

Though I do think seeing the reindeer with a cigarette is quite amusing. Then again, maybe that explains the look on Santa’s face.

Apparently, this Santa’s breaking all the rules.

14. Bob Kames: Organ and Chimes

From Music Radar: “As far as we know, this is the only one that looks like a carefully posed backwoods murder scene.” Caption reads: “Bob Kames, now in the Black Lodge forever.”

For Christmas would never be without a small decorated tree in the woods.

15. Anne Sofie von Otter: Home for Christmas

From Classic FM: “OK, so there’s a massive ghost version of ASVO, a creepy beach scene and a child on some sort of weird camping chair being pushed by an unknown adult. If that’s Christmas in the Otter household, we dread to think what happens at New Year.”

Christmas is always about spending time with family.

16. Bad Religion: Christmas Songs

Though why a boy would be exhilarated to receive a new pair of loafers is beyond me. Seriously, that’s a face of a boy who gets an Xbox.

After all, Christmas is about the joy of giving.

17. Canadian Brass: Christmas Time Is Here

From Classic FM: “We can’t fault the repertoire on this album, but the horrifying cover art is all over the place. And you’d think they’d get cold, gaily larking about on that incredibly realistic ice rink.”

Apparently, their rendition of A Charlie Brown Christmas wasn’t a rousing success.

18. Cheeky Girls: Have a Cheeky Christmas

From Official Charts: “It’s never inappropriate for two grown women to straddle a man dressed as Santa, is it?” Either way, Santa doesn’t seem to mind.

Apparently, Santa thinks these two have been very good this year.

19. Kiri Te Kanawa: Christmas with Kiri Te Kanawa

From Classic FM: “Dame Kiri is so excited about Christmas this year that she’s decided to wear nothing but Christmas decorations.” Kind of makes sense.

On Christmas it helps if a diva always shimmers.

20. Christmas with the Choral Scholars of King’s College, Cambridge

From Classic FM: “What do you mean we forgot to do the album artwork? Oh never mind, just knock something together with MS Paint, no-one will know. Clip-art’s really popular now anyway.”

Enjoy the season with the sound from the Cambridge University choir.

21. Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton: Once Upon a Christmas

From Music Radar: “This country coming-together is a spin-off from another Christmas special, CBS’ Kenny & Dolly: A Christmas To Remember from 1984. It’s also the exact moment at which Dolly Parton stopped aging – that mounted reindeer shows more wear from the last quarter century than the miniature dynamo.”

For nothing makes a country Christmas during the 1980s like a collaboration album with Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton.

22. Dapper Laughs: Proper Naughty Xmas

From Official Charts: “We don’t really have much to say about this absolute monstrosity but you can’t keep using ‘it’s cold’ as an excuse, Dapper…”

Please tell me that guy’s at least wearing underwear.

23. Donny Osmond: Christmas at Home

Donny Osmond here seems like he’d rather spend the holidays outside in the freezing cold than spend time with his family. And we thought the Osmonds were a happy bunch.

There’s no place like home for the holidays, unless perhaps you’re Donny Osmond.

24. Evie: Come on, Ring Those Bells

That way, if you don’t want to snuggle with her, she’ll hack you to pieces and feed you to the fire. Now isn’t that nice?

Evie always enjoys spending Christmas by warm fire.

25. Explosivo Tropical Bristol

And you can definitely see he tan lines as the tinsel and ornaments cover her naughty bits. Still, I’m sure this is part of a marketing ploy.

Season’s greetings from some hotel room in Mexico for some reason.

26. Fast Food Rockers: I Love Christmas

What do you mean this was from 2003? And it reached 25 on the charts? They also have a music video on YouTube which appears straight out of an acid trip. And yes, it’s as bad as you think.

For we all know how winter’s the perfect time for 1980s cartoon cosplay.

27. Hanson: Snowed In

Seems like these guys got caught up in the Christmas lights. Thankfully, they didn’t suffer any injuries. But none seem happy about it.

Who knew that these Hanson brothers sucked at Christmas decorating?

28. Hollywood Bowl Symphony Orchestra: Great Orchestral Music of Christmas

Apparently, while Santa bestows presents to all the girls and boys, he also tends to kidnap a few of them. Yes, definitely an album cover to induce trauma and nightmares.

There’s always a certain nostalgia with meeting Santa at the mall while on a bad LSD trip.

29. Ice-T: Christmas with Ice-T

Even Santa thinks this is ridiculous. Yeah, Ice-T, I think you’re an embarrassment by this point.

Uh, Ice-T, I think you’re way too old to sit on Santa’s lap.

30. Woody Phillips: A Toolbox Christmas

From Music Radar: “The cover to this gourd music monster looks like a soft-focus snuff movie before the messy part begins. The noise is even worse: it sounds a bit like real music, in the same way a tongueless dog howling at the moon sounds like a trained choirist. See?”

After all, why tinker in the garage without hearing the sounds of the holidays?

31. Jimi Hendrix: Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

Still, he doesn’t seem to wear the Santa suit well. Then again, this seems like a contractual obligation.

Hendrix had a Christmas album? Wonder what that sounds like.

32. Sing Along with Marcy: Christmas with Marcy

Though she could just as easily throw her cat on her lap into the fire. Don’t think this album’s full of good cheer at all.

Christmas is a time of year when you snuggle with your loved ones by the fire.

33. Motorhead: Ace of Spades Christmas Edition

One of these Santas is giving the finger. And no, you don’t want to know what’s under their robes. Also, is that cage in the background?

This year, Santa’s on the naughty list.

34. Mr. Hankey: Mr. Hankey’s Christmas Classics

Though to be fair, there are a lot of shitty Christmas albums out there. It’s just this one’s sung by a someone who knows he’s crap.

Nothing says Christmas like music coming from a literal turd.

35. New Kids on the Block: Merry, Merry Christmas

Though one of these guys looks as if he’s getting strangled by his scarf. Way to go, guys.

New Kids on the Block always enjoy sledding during the holidays.

36. A Christmas Gift for You from Philles Records

This is said to be 142 on Rolling Stone’s 500 Greatest Albums of all time. However, since it was produced by Phil Spector, the imagery seems rather unsettling in hindsight. Because we all know that Spector would later go to prison for murder.

Each of their groups comes literally gift wrapped.

37. Joe Gibbs Family of Artists: Reggae Christmas

Yet, instead of decorating a Christmas tree, Jamaicans use a pot plant, which kind of works. Okay, maybe not. Still, is it any wonder why we associate reggae music with marijuana?

Apparently, Christmas is a very high time in Jamaica.

38. Scott Weiland: The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

It seems like this guy’s in a dark alley to get some bootleg albums for his family. Doesn’t seem to have a smile emanating good cheer.

Though Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year, his expression says otherwise.

39. Ringo Starr: I Wanna Be Santa Claus

From Music Radar: “Keeping up the collaborative theme, the album art was apparently designed through a colouring competition in McDonalds.” Also, this is from 1999?

Sorry, Ringo, but you seem to look more like the Grinch.

40. Tavin Pumarejo with his Tuna Fish: Trullando en Navidad

I’m not sure waht that has to do with Christmas. But I won’t be surprise if he’s tripping balls by now.

There’s nothing like Christmas like spending time with your dear uh, tuna fish.

41. Horacio Samalot: La Trifuca

To be fair, I’m sure this album was made somewhere in Latin America. But still, Santa and the 3 Wise Men? That can’t be right.

Santa always enjoys to play outside with the Three Wise Men for some reason.

There they are in the back of Santa’s sleigh. And it seems that Santa just took notice.

Great we have a Christmas album sung by a hamster.

43. Jul med Yngve Stoor

However, he appears to be sporting a sunburn while he’s playing a guitar. Also, no one wants to see him in a swimsuit.

Santa always enjoys riding the waves in the Pacific.

44. The Most Fabulous Classical Christmas Album Ever

From Classic FM: “We know, we know, it’s not right to play the ‘highbrow’ card when it comes to classical music. But really. Poodles? A sun with a face on it? A sequined sack with a cello coming out of it? Many, many composers are turning in their graves.”

For nothing makes a classical Christmas like a woman in a short dress and poodles on the roof.

45. Howdy Doody’s Christmas Party

Howdy Doody was a popular kid’s show in the 1950s. Though I totally understand if you think it was a horror show with killer clowns and dolls that would haunt your dreams.

Enjoy Christmas with Howdy Doody and his friends, kids.

46. The Yobs: Christmas Album

I’m sure this is kind of intentional. Still, it’s guaranteed to at least offend someone, which is kind of the point.

Seems like these guys are doing everything to get on the naughty list.

47. Christmas Dubstep

Looking at this, you’d think the North Pole was run the same way as the Playboy Mansion. Also, I don’t think yuletide lingerie can keep you from freezing to death in sub zero temperature. But Santa likes what he sees.

Kind of traumatizing to see Santa’s workshop as a sex dungeon.

48. Vienna Boys Choir: Christmas in Vienna

From Classic FM: “You know, this one wouldn’t be so bad if they actually looked like they were enjoying themselves. Even the dog looks clinically fed-up.”

Though the Vienna Boys themselves don’t seem quite merry this time.

49. Kim Se-Hwan: Merry Christmas

From Music Radar: “Normally, skiing without a helmet is considered dangerous, but Kim’s side parting is resin-coated and is strong enough to withstand bullets even when fired from close range.”

You can’t have Christmas in South Korea without some tinsel.

50. Rotary Connection: Peace

Okay, those heads are photoshopped to dolls. Guaranteed to inspire some yuletide nightmares during the season. Yeah, that really creeps me out.

During the summer time, while the rest of us are having fun in the sun and possibly going on vacation if they’re lucky, many of your favorite celebrity music performers are busy recording their Christmas albums. So by this time, they’d be ready for sale this holiday season so you and your loved ones can enjoy some holiday favorites. Of course, Christmas albums have been all the rage for a very long time. I ought to know since I already completed two posts of some of the bad covers. And I decided to do another since the depth of bad Christmas album covers is endless. Sure you might find them horrifying beyond description like a trainwreck or this year’s election (which saw an unrespectable man ascend to the presidency and over 60 million people were conned into voting for him). Yet, you might some unintentionally funny. And if you’re over a certain age, you might find some Christmas album covers on here that you’d rather forget. So for your holiday reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of horrendous Christmas albums from yesterday.

Dr. Duke Tumatoe: It’s Christmas

Yet, there’s a blurb that says, “(Let’s have sex).” As if I think a guy like that in a Santa suit is sexy. Actually, it’s kind of creepy.

An album featuring a dancing Santa is always a delight to look at.

2. Bob Dylan: Sings Holiday Favorites

Yeah, that Santa hat is totally photoshopped. Also, Dylan, if you should release a Christmas album the next time, let it be one where you write the songs.

If you like Christmas music and crave the nasal voices of folk rock, this album is for you.

3. Garth Brooks: Garth Brooks & the Magic of Christmas

So I guess that Garth Brooks moonlights as a fortune teller. Or some sort of dark seer bandit from the Old West.

If you’re into Christmas, country, and the occult supernatural, Garth Brooks got you covered.

4. Raymond Lefevre and His Orchestra: Merry Christmas

That stack of presents doesn’t look steady and seems about ready to fall. But the woman in here doesn’t seem upset about it at all. She just keeps smiling.

This album cover shows you can never carry enough presents in your hands.

5. 38 Special: A Wild-Eyed Christmas

Okay, eyeball ornaments are utterly creepy and not suited for Christmas at all. So why did they think this album cover was a good idea?

During the yuletide season, even the ornaments have their eyes on you.

6. Kenny Chesney: All I Want For Christmas Is a Real Assed Tan

I heard that Kenny Chesney used a similar photo shot for his audition for Magic Mike but was rejected. So he decided to go for a variation for his Christmas album. Still, spending time on the beach isn’t Christmas to me.

Because nothing says a country Christmas like wintering in Boca Raton.

7. John Waters: A John Waters Christmas

To be fair, he’s more of a dark comic writer. Yet, if there’s a fire in your house, you just have to do something about it. Like get a fire extinguisher and call 911.

For John Waters not even a fire among the presents will keep him from enjoying the holiday season.

8. The Mistletoe Disco Band: Christmas Disco

Yes, Christmas disco albums do exist. But at least this album didn’t feature Santa Claus in a red polyester suit. Because that would’ve been worse.

Now you can listen to your Christmas favorites to the sound that reminds you of the 1970s or Europeans.

9. Chabelo: Chabelo en Navidad

Sure he’ll freeze his ass off in these clothes during the winter. But to add insult to injury, he’s also wearing socks with sandals. You know committing one of the cardinal sins of fashion.

For there is no better winter attire than your golf course attire in May.

10. Les Chaussettes Noires

It’s even funnier that they’re dressed with red capes on their heads and robes. It’s like they’re dressed in a cross between Merlin and Santa Claus. Yes, it’s kind of weird.

Ever imagined a Santa rock band? Now you don’t need to.

11. Christmas Disco Party

Yeah, Santa, wait until Mrs. Claus finds out about you and that blonde. Boy, you’re sleeping in the doghouse tonight.

That moment when Santa comes to his senses that fooling around with a dancing swimsuit model might put him on the naughty list.

12. Midnight String Quartet: Christmas Rhapsodies for Young Lovers

Sure they may list traditional hits. But the vibes I get from this picture is “Baby It’s Cold Outside.” You know the one where the woman wants to go home while the guy wants her to stay and well, you get the idea.

Finally, a the kind of Christmas album that can get 20-somethings in the mood for romance.

13. Liberace: Twas the Night Before Christmas

So what did Liberace do to get a coat of so much fur? Shoot a polar bear? Seems reasonable enough.

Because it Can’t be Christmas without seeing Liberace in his long fur coat of glory.

14. Gayla Peevey: I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas

You probably remember the song on this album. But at least the cover goes to great lengths why any child shouldn’t want a hippopotamus for Christmas. I mean hippos kill more people in Africa than lions.

For nothing makes a girl jump for joy on Christmas than a scarily dressed hippo that could eat her alive.

Too bad the space captain will probably suffocate in there and die. Since a turban won’t protect him in the vacuum of space. Also, that’s not Sufjan Stevens.

Sufjan Stevens would like to wish you all Merry Christmas from space.

16. Lawrence Welk: Christmas Memories

My dad used to dread watching Lawrence Welk when he was a kid. Looking at this album cover, I can totally understand why. He seems like he could break into your house and kill you with an accordion any moment.

Nothing says Christmas like bandleader being a massive creep in his Santa suit.

17. Merry Cajun Christmas Volume Two

Uh, doesn’t Santa have a sleigh that he doesn’t need to row among gators? Or creepy banjo players? Seriously, he has a flying reindeer pulled sleigh for God’s sake!

Santa Claus has to be a brave man to deliver presents to the boys and girls while dodging a river of hungry gators.

18. Eartha Kitt: Santa Baby

At least Eartha Kitt’s pose sitting on Santa’s lap doesn’t shy away from what the song is about. Of course, Mrs. Claus wouldn’t approve.

For some women just can’t help but think Santa Claus as the ultimate sugar daddy.

19. Afroman: Afroman’s Colt 45 Christmas: Original Uncut Version

This Christmas album cover is kind of depressing if you ask me. It seems like a more appropriate cover for the soundtrack to the Wire, than on anything to do with the holidays.

As we know Christmas can be a time of cold weather and cold malt liquor.

20. Cyndi Lauper: Merry Christmas….Have a Nice Life!

Guess she’s thinking, “Oh, God, why did they make me do this? And how long do I have to sit next to this red suited creep?”

For some reason, Cyndi Lauper always dreaded visiting Santa at the mall.

21. The Hiltonaires with the Tony Mansell Singers: Swingin’ in a Winter Wonderland

Don’t ask me but Sant seems a bit pervy toward that girl in this one. And I’m not sure how old this girl is. Sure hope she’s 18.

Still, it doesn’t seem like the who crew really wants to participate. His daughter next to his wife seems like she’s dragged into doing the stupid photoshoot and feels like the kids at school will make fun at her for it. On the bright side, I hope it has some Christmas songs in the Pink Panther or Peter Gunn theme. That would be awesome.

Of course, when you’re a famous composer it helps to put your family on the Christmas album cover.

26. Universal Robot Band: Disco Christmas

This whole album design seems like it was madeby someone on acid. Because nothing about it makes any logical sense.

Listen to the songs that would make Santa and his reindeer boogie this holiday season in space.

27. Pepsi Feliz Navidad!

Okay, I know they’re drinking pop, not red wine. But did they really have to show kids drinking from wine glasses? Because it looks like a classic case of underage drinking.

The holidays are always a time of year to give a toast to new beginnings.

28. Lawrence Welk: Merry Christmas from Lawrence Welk and His Champagne Music

Because if his nightmarish face didn’t scare you, note his tree seems covered in cobwebs. And no, that sight doesn’t make me merry.

Merry Christmas from the creepy bandleader your grandparents probably like and his nightmare before Christmas tree.

29. Le Vrai Pere Noel Chante

That kid in buckskin really doesn’t look like an Indian. And I’m not sure about the kid in Asian dress either. Also, the Santa with these kids is guaranteed to haunt your dreams.

Think of it as a Village People children’s Christmas album but more racist.

30. Leon Russell: Moonlight & Love Songs

To be fair, the late Leon Russell did perform at Woodstock and was renowned in his own right. But his Christmas album makes him seem like Santa who knows that you’ve been really bad this year. Not sure why the dog is here.

There’s nothing like it on Christmas than posing for an album with the dog that best matches your beard in a black background.

31. Charles Bronson: Twas the Night Before Bronson

I find it hard to imagine a guy like Charles Bronson having a Christmas album unless it includes anything revenge oriented. Also, that Christmas hat doesn’t help matters at all.

Uh, Elton, I like your music and all. But I think we’re all a bit freaked out about you having a record at your crotch. Just letting you know.

Celebrate Christmas with the music of the legendary Sir Elton John.

38. Liberace: Christmas Memories

Now I can understand why Liberace decides to dress in lavish furs at the piano. Yeah, too gangster.

Those who want to see Liberace dressed as Nucky Thompson need not look further.

39. Wham!: Last Christmas

From First Draft: “Poor Andrew Ridgely. Wasn’t it bad enough to be George Michael’s sidekick? They had to make the poor bastard a reindeer. I hope no Norwegian tried to eat him. That would not be Whamtastic.”

Fans of George Michael might enjoy listening to the earworm sappy Christmas song that’s annoying as hell. Seriously, I hate this song with a passion.

40. Garvis

From Turntabling: “I don’t even want to know what THIS bunch is on about. It looks like a prison lineup, but ESPECIALLY the guy on the far left. What the hell’s going on in THIS gent’s head? Images of sugarplums, no doubt, slicing up the neighborhood winos and barbecuing pets on a wood stove.”

Because Christmas can’t get more into the Disco years than this.

41. Ruth Lyons: Ten Tunes of Christmas

Well, it’s not quite a Charlie Brown Tree. Yet, even decorating it in tinsel and ornaments can’t make it look festive. So sad. But I guess they had to make it work.

That moment when you had to settle for the last tree at the Christmas tree farm and have to do a family Christmas card at the family owned hotel.

42. Homer and Jethro: Cool Crazy Christmas with Homer & Jethro

However, seeing them dressed up as kids in this is a very different story. Seriously, guys, you’re creeping me out.

Nothing says Christmas like seeing a couple of grown men playing with toys.

43. Thore Skogmans Julkivia: Klappa Pa

For all we know, he could just be luring this kid to put in a sack and do terrible things to him in his windowless van. But what do I know?

Remember, kids, just because a guy is in a Santa suit doesn’t mean he’s nice.

44. The Oak Ridge Boys: Christmas

From Flashbak: “Three of these guys belong in either a seedy bus station or a rustic log cabin – not a tacky eighties living room. Like matzo balls in clam chowder, they do not belong.”

There’s nothing on Christmas like seeing a bunch of bearded guys enjoying themselves around the tree.

45. William Hung: Hung for the Holidays

From NME: “It doesn’t bode well for a Christmas album when its cover looks like a MS Paint rush job, with the artist’s face crudely dropped in. Also William, we get why you called your record ‘Hung For The Holidays’ but given suicide rates across Europe and America reach record highs around this time of year, is this really the best possible title? Really?”

For fans of the American Idol reject William Hung, I’m sure you’ll find his Christmas album a delight.

46. Raffi: Raffi’s Christmas Album

From Flashbak: “Imagine seeing this at your bedside when you wake up Christmas morn, (shudder)” Yes. this will certainly inspire nightmares.

So that’s what Raffi actually looked like in real life. Not how I expected.

47. Dave Boyer: Joy & Happiness at Christmas

From Flashbak: “I don’t need to tell you that your wife with fake tan and your crummy living room shouldn’t be on the cover of your album; clearly, this wasn’t conveyed to Dave Boyer. For the curious, his daughter is holding “Reach Out” a hip version of the New Testament.”

From Go Retro: “No wonder I always wake up with a headache! After a long day of cross country skiing, there’s nothing better then taking a nap in the snow and dreaming that I’m a 50 foot woman about to be rammed in the head by cars.”

For those tired of all the Christmas commercialism, this is the album for you.

As long as we had LP records, we’ve had album covers, well, for the most part at least since the 1960s. As you look from above, this is an image of the Queen II album released in 1974 which isn’t one of their best known at any rate. However, those who look at it and weren’t around during the 1970s, might mistake it as an example of false advertising because the Queen band members are in a pose that’s akin to the beginning of the “Bohemian Rhapsody” video. Yet, that song is actually on the album they released the next year called A Night at the Opera, which would be their breakthrough success. Nevertheless, the pose is masterfully done. And album art wise, I think it’s better than A Night at the Opera even though the latter has better songs. Unfortunately, for all you album art afficionados out there, my album art posts aren’t meant for the masterpiece covers. In fact, quite the contrary. Rather I go for the vintage album covers that time forgot mostly because the design is pretty awful yet unintentionally funny, creepy, or inappropriate. Hell, they can even do it intentionally. So for your reading pleasure and the fact I decided to wait until after Father’s Day to do any 4th of July posts, I give you another edition of vintage album covers so tacky that you’ll forget about them until they’re seen at a yard sale.

Marcy Sings Jesus Loves Me

The woman on here doesn’t look right either. Yes, she’s smiling. But it’s a kind of smile you’d see on someone who’s high.

That’s what we need, a creepy doll singing songs about Jesus for children.

2. The Joyful Sounds: Guide Me Lord

Okay, Hairspray first came out in the 1980s as a film. And this album was released at least a decade before that. But it’s not a great analogy. But still, they use way more hairspray than an average cast member from that musical.

Or as I call it, the Christian version of Hairspray but with way more volume for the Lord.

3. Don McNeil and Eddie Ballantine and His Band: March Around the Breakfast Table

Yes, this family looks so unusually happy at breakfast time. However, wouldn’t marching around the breakfast table be difficult if you’re holding a toaster. Because I know they’re not portable.

Because nothing brings your spirits up like marching to music at breakfast.

4. Herbie Mann: Push, Push

Yes, he thinks he’s so manly with a flute in his hand. Still, this is a perfect example on why classical musicians shouldn’t really do fanservice poses on their album covers.

What? Never seen a flutist with a hairy chest.

5. Jimmy Jenson: Understand Your’e Swede

I know it’s supposed to be Understand You’re Swede. But someone placed an apostrophe at the wrong place. Also, why the hell is the mom wearing a miniskirt in the woods?

Unfortunately, Jimmy Jenson’s proofreader was busy.

6. Elliot Lawrence: Music for Trapping

Now it’s one thing if a man puts deer heads on his wall. But if he puts heads of his ex-girlfriends, you should probably call 911. I can understand that the woman is understandably creeped out since she’s found herself in a horror movie.

And by “trapping,” I don’t think he means woodland creatures.

7. Introducing Mr. Versatile the Fabulous Willis Wade

That has to be one of the most hideous suits I have ever seen. Those cars look pretty lame, too.

Guess he’s a musician with no fashion sense and who doesn’t know how to get out of traffic.

8. Bob Fleming Plays Boleros

Guess it wouldn’t be bad without a little knight music. Still, I think it would be very hard to play a saxophone in a suit of armor. Hope he doesn’t go medieval on you.

Featuring a saxophone solo by Sir Saxelot.

9. Paul Mickelson: Plays for Youth

Of course, Paul’s friends started to wonder whether he had strayed from his Lord and got into some hallucinogenic brown acid. Yeah, there must be something really wrong with him. This is freaky.

Alone at his organ, Paul imagined tiny Christian teens.

10. Nicky Cruz: The Cross and the Switchblade

Note that the guy’s smiling face is juxtaposed on a dark painting depicting multiple murders. Yeah, kids do the craziest things sometimes.

Or as I call it, “Finding Jesus in a Time of Gang Violence.”

11. Dave Harris and the Powerhouse Five: Dinner Music for a Pack of Hungry Cannibals

No, Stacy, this isn’t a nice soak in a hot tub before dinner. Because you are dinner. In fact, you’re the main course. Favorite album of Dr. Hannibal Lecter.

For some reason, this blonde seems rather excited about being cooked alive in a boiling pot over a fire.

12. Leith Stevens and His Orchestra: Jazz Themes for Cops and Robbers

Still, that image of someone pointing a gun just makes me uncomfortable for some reason. Perhaps because it seems like it’s pointed right at me.

For when the speaker music at the bank during a simple hold up job just doesn’t cut it.

13. Obren Pjevovic

Man, that man seems remarkably calm while riding a falling bomb that’s bound to blow him up to oblivion. And he has it between his legs, which suggests a rather subtle meaning entirely.

For some reason, the Soviet version of Dr. Strangelove was never put into production.

14. Tortura: The Sounds of Pain and Punishment

Who knew that they had vintage BDSM albums? Also, notice that this cover only features women.

A musical selection chosen especially from the 50 Shades of Christian Grey archives.

15. Schytts: Halligang 6

Here’s what their page says: “For a lot of ages now, since aerly in the middle of 1968, we have brought our mark of by far musice to people of our country, and China also in dovesound. We have stipulated with many in the worlds. Now enjoying of ours fine becoming obsolete to the future coldplay confesses reactive ideas.” Yeah, they need spellcheck badly.

Apparently, their music is said to be a creative rendition of crap.

16. Lenny Dee: Down South

Guess this guy is in Florida since it’s the ocean. Still, the girl in this is dressed up like a ballerina in high heeled shoes.

Because where else could you play piano on a motorboat and watch a girl water ski at the same time.

17. Ana Kathleen Brady: God’s Chosen Puppet

Okay, this is creepy. With strings attached and an uneasy smile, this Christian woman is scaring the bejesus out of me.

Now with ribbon strings that go up to the Lord Almighty.

18. Jerry Irby: Hot Line to Heaven

Sorry, but people don’t associate plaid suits as a mark of godliness. Rather he’s probably a musician whose day job is a 1920s bootlegger on Boardwalk Empire.

Answered by a man with a guitar with the fashion sense of a used car salesman.

19. LSD: Battle for the Mind

Nevertheless, this design seems straight out of some horror movie from the 1980s. And it doesn’t seem something I’d take seriously.

Based on a hallucinogenic acid trip gone horribly, horribly wrong.

20. Jack Carey: ….In Jesus’ Name

No, I don’t want to see a guy like that coming down the stairs. I don’t care if he has a Bible in his hand. this guy’s creeping me out.

Featuring sacred music performed by a man who looks like a 1970s version of Jim Carrey as a sex offender.

21. Mattie McFerrin: Keep a Light Shining Bright

Still, if anything happens to that oil lamp, everything in that picture will go up in smoke. Not to mention, a lot of hair spray can make a coif like that particularly flammable.

And keep that lamp away from her hair.

22. Ronnie Neuman: At the Padded Cell

These guys seem to take prison time with so much stride. Hope the real hardened criminals don’t do anything to their instruments. Because that would be bad.

Of course, he was probably aiming for realism here. Because who cares what you wear when you’re chopping down trees in the woods (besides protective gear)?

Because a man with a striped rainbow coat and an axe is a pinnacle of masculinity.

24. Teen Challenge Addicts Choir

For some reason, they have kid choir juxtaposed with a person shooting up. I don’t know why they thought this was a good idea. Because it’s not.

For those young born again junkies shooting up for their Lord.

25. Les Pallbearer and His All-Ghoul Orchestra: Music for Morticians

Hopefully, this doesn’t have the kind of music that would wake the dead. Guaranteed to give you the “fun” in funeral before you take a trip the destination of 6 feet under.

The kind of music that’ll make you feel good as you make the dead look good.

26. The Gospel Rhythm-Aires: I’ll Never Be Afraid

For some reason, I don’t see a volcano destroying an entire city as one of a doomsday message of faith, hope, and salvation. In fact, it’s more like an apocalyptic scenario guaranteed to make me shit my pants.

Guess these people kind of know where they’re a gonna’ go when the volcano blows.

27. Yvette Horner: Bal Chez Yvette

A smoking dog playing the accordion? Now that’s pretty messed up. Wonder how they came up with that idea.

Featuring her smoking and sunglasses wearing dog Blackie at the accordion.

28. The Best of Marcel Marceau

So let me get this straight, Marcel Marceau actually released an album? How does that work? Because he’s not known for his audio recordings.

Heard it’s great for French mime parties. Just two sides of absolute silence.

29. Steve Allen: Electrified Favorites

Yeah, I don’t think being near electrical devices while soaking your feet is a good idea. Might get you killed.

Featuring one of his last known original songs, “Burned to a Crisp.”

30. Music to Clean Up Stream Pollution By

Ironically, this was created by Union Carbide, the chemical company that brought you the 1984 Bhopal disaster in India that has left an estimated 500,000 exposed and 20,000 dead from its effects. It’s like an album saving ocean life that was produced by BP.

Listen to the tunes such as Big Mouth Billy Bass’s “Don’t Take Me to the River.”

31. Elmer G. Letterman: Personal Power Through Creative Selling

Uh, I don’t think property damage through nuclear holocaust isn’t covered. Because that’s considered a risky investment. Still, why the hell do they have a mushroom cloud on this album? Seriously, why?

Let this big name insurance expert literally blow your mind.

32. The Nickel Family Singers: Love Is Why and Other Devotional Themes

For some reason, the people’s heads in this seem photoshopped to their bodies. Also, the kids seem like they’re straight out of the Village of the Damned wearing red suits. Bound to give anyone nightmares.

Because there’s nothing like a wholesome Christian album featuring a family that will creep you out.

33. Mellodies of Dick Kossins

So this band is basically controlled by some old lady who’s using the musicians as marionettes. Do you see how messed up that is?

Musicians orchestrated by some old lady puppetmeister in a blue dress.

34. Reverend Danny Nance: Jesus and Superman

And it seems that the people are paying more attention to Jesus than the Man of Steel. Then again, after what he did in Man of Steel, I think Jesus might need to teach Superman a lesson in incurring collateral damage.

Because for many these are men of truth, justice, and the American way. But while one may save the day, the other will save your soul from eternal damnation.

35. Jed Ford: I Saw the Light

Then again, he might’ve mistaken the light for the sun. Or he might’ve meant it as a metaphor for a spiritual awakening. However, his suit on the other hand, seems like he bought it from a cartoon resale shop.

However, it was so blindingly bright that I now wear shades.

36. Moostash Joe: “Dance Little Bird”

Then again, given the outlandish songs at costumes at Eurovision, I wouldn’t be surprised if someone performed this song in such a costume. Also, seems more like a funky chicken to me.

Said to be “Europe’s most popular song.”

37. Rare Gold

I’m sorry, but the guy in the album reminds me so much of Ted Cruz who almost everyone hates. And I’d not want him to put a gold chain around my neck.

Apparently to them, the disco years are alive and well in outer space. Too bad, they’d look like they come from the 1970s on Earth.

Looks like this is from a non-existent funky disco future.

40. Beth Brown: School Book for Dogs

Uh, dogs don’t go to school unless if it’s for service or obedience. Also, I don’t think dogs read either. Ridiculous.

Because with how things are going these days, your pooch might need to learn the skills to get by in this dog-eat-dog world.

41. The Joy Boys: Cookin’ Up a Party

I’m sorry but I don’t think confetti is even edible. It’s also quite flammable, too. So I wouldn’t want any near a stove.

However, just don’t ask them to cook up any food on the stove.

42. Yngwie J. Malmstein: Trilogy

Uh, does he have any idea that the dragon is burning up his guitar? Perhaps it’s not a magical object after all.

Behold, 3 headed dragon, the power of my magic electric guitar!

43. Cocktails Dancing: Cocktail Music for Robots

Let me guess, is this a disco album? Thought so. Still, they seem to do quite fine in a place known to have no atmosphere whatsoever.

Since when would robots ever enjoy cocktails? I don’t get it.

44. Green and Iles: Keep It Gay Conversational Music

Even more funny is that this features a straight couple as far as we know. Yeah, they’re totally not keeping it gay in the modern context.

Nowadays, this title has a very different meaning.

45. Jimmy Fontana: Non Te Ne Andare

I’m sure the kidnappers will have no trouble getting the ransom from her loved ones. After all, she seems like a gorgeous woman. But still, this is a really messed up cover. Being kidnapped and tied up like that isn’t sexy in most situations.

Guess it means something along the lines of “all tied up.”

46. Leona Anderson: Music to Suffer By

You know if it’s music to suffer by, chances are that you don’t want to listen to it. Also, the broken record speaks for itself.

For some reason, I bet the music on this album isn’t any good.

47. Anna Russell in Darkest Africa

Now this is really racist. Really, depicting African tribesmen as hostile like this really offends the people there. Seriously, they’re not all like that.

And I see that she managed to get put in a basket by a bunch of headhunters, I mean African tribesmen.

48. Jim Post: I Love My Life

And another example of attempted fanservice gone wrong. Yeah, kind of seems like a mad guy having the shower curtain pulled on him.

And for extra sales, he’s going shirtless under a waterfall.

49. Kevin Rowland: My Beauty

No, I don’t think a guy trying on his girlfriend’s clothes is a good idea. Mostly because they’d mostly be too small and will be stretched out anyway.

Featuring him getting dressed in women’s clothes, not that there’s anything wrong with that.

50. Dick Black and His Band: A Taste of Dick Black

Now this looks like it could pass for a mundane album cover without a fuss. If only if it weren’t that this accordion player has a very unfortunate name. Because the title is unintentionally hilarious.

As you probably know by now, Christmas albums are what many recording artists are contractually obligated to do during their summer vacations. And yes, if you work in retail, you’ll have to deal with Christmas music for several hours straight that you’ll soon have all the songs stuck in your head. Let’s just say hearing the torture of Wham!’s “Last Christmas” one thing I don’t miss about working at Macy’s this holiday season. And let’s just say that after the holiday season, these Christmas albums will end up at some discount rack at Big Lots. Last year, I did a post on vintage Christmas album covers that many of you have taken to. So I decided to do another one since there are so many vintage album covers out there pertaining to Christmas. And yes, many of them are amusingly horrible beyond all description that you have to see for yourself. So without further adieu, here is a treasure trove of more vintage Christmas album covers for when you really need a break from hearing all the Christmas music in your head after a shopping trip.

Sesame Street: Merry Christmas

Uh, let’s just hope that Bert got tangled in the bead garlands by accident. But since people think they’re gay and Fifty Shades of Grey being a pop culture hit, this is probably one of the most unintentionally inappropriate children’s album covers of all time. I mean Grover and Cookie Monster now look understandably horrified at the moment.

Nothing beats a wholesome family Christmas like hearing your favorite yuletide carols while Ernie and Bert decorate their Christmas tree with Grover and Cookie Monster.

2. Jingle Cats: Merry Christmas

Good: Might help curb rodent infestations. Bad: Seriously, “Jingle Bells” is annoying as it is but do you really want to listen to cats meowing to it? Ugly: Might give your cat an inferiority complex.

Finally a Christmas album for the crazy cat fan that has felines singing 2o holiday classics.

3. Dean Martin: A Winter Romance

I think Dino might have to watch out for the creepy blond woman who’s plotting to murder his girlfriend in a way that it would look like an accident. Yeah, let’s just say women like that would make a winter romance turn into a winter nightmare.

Nothing says Christmas like snow, skiing, and having a very creepy stalker obsession with Dean Martin.

4. The Joyful Sounds: Guide Me Lord

As someone who’s seen Hairspray, I think these women have more chemicals in their hair than the whole cast put together. Wonder how long it took for these women to style their hair in the morning.

Celebrate the birth of our Lord with yuletide Christian music, modestly red and blue dresses with white collars and cuffs, and tons of hairspray.

5. Christmas at Our House

I don’t know about you, but I don’t think Uncle Charlie’s idea of playtime involves toy trains or toys of any other kind. I think it involves Uncle Charlie doing unspeakable things to Billy in the bathroom.

“C’mon, Billy, be a dear and spend time with your Uncle Charlie this Christmas. You only get to see him few times a year.”

6. Asleep at the Wheel: Merry Texas Christmas Y’all

I understand Asleep at the Wheel is the group’s name. But I’m not sure if it makes a great name to put on a Christmas album cover. It just brings to mind a car accident waiting to happen instead of good cheer. Also the armadillo is freaky.

In Texas, they tend to celebrate Christmas a little differently with decorations like armadillos, cowboy boots, cacti, and longhorn skulls.

7. Christmas at the Devil’s House

“Santa, ramp up your amp and play your guitar hard./’Cause Hell’s broke loose in North Pole and the Devil deals the cards./And if you win you get this shiny guitar made of gold,/But if you lose the devil gets your soul……”

When the Devil went down to Georgia, he challenged Johnny to the fiddle duel. When Santa went to hell, they dueled with electric guitars.

8. Rusty Diamonds: Rusty Diamonds Vol. 4 X-mas Project

Now I’m not sure what to make of pose. I mean her nipples are showing and you can almost see her crotch. That ain’t right.

Of course, sex sells in the music industry. So during the Christmas season having a cover of a girl in a Santa hat and spandex helps.

9. Charo: (Mamacita) ¿Donde Esta Santa Claus?

Wonder how Charo managed to survive winter without losing her legs. Seriously, high red stockings will not keep you warm below freezing temperatures.

Seems like Santa Claus really isn’t enjoying being hugged in this photo op. But he just didn’t have the courage to say, no, no, no.

While Santa may delight having children sit on his lap, this isn’t always the case with teens and adults.

11. Dj Scream Kickstand: Santa Claus: Toys, Trees, and Snow

Now I see nothing wrong with a gangta rap Christmas album. And I don’t see anything wrong with a black Santa either. However, seeing Santa wielding an AK-47 is just plain wrong.

Because nothing says “Peace on Earth, Goodwill Toward Men” like Santa Claus wearing a bandanna and sunglasses while wielding an AK-47.

12. Celtic Woman: Home for Christmas

Of course, when designing Celtic Woman’s Christmas album, it’s said that Lisa Frank’s dog got loose and took a giant dump all over it. They were never able to clean up the mess.

Now I can’t decide whether this album design is supposed to be a Christmas tree or a technicolor turd.

13. NORAD Tracks Santa

Of course, if you want to track Santa on Christmas Eve, maybe it’s better to listen to NORAD on the radio. Why get Santa news reports from a record anyway? Kind of freaky if you think about it.

Finally, an album tracking Santa’s movements from the North Pole on Christmas Eve.

14. Merry Music for Christmas

While Cindy and Randy played like sports during the photo shoot, Janie wanted none of that. Of course, they had to go with the best photo in the bunch.

Apparently one of these kids would like to offer a second opinion.

15. Adventures in Carols

Not sure if that rocket’s going to hold all the toys, Danta. Also, what’s with the other Santas at the launch site? Or are they elves? I don’t know.

This year, instead of a sleigh, Santa will deliver all the toys to kids from a rocket that’s launched from a large anti-aircraft gun.

16. Mickey Rooney: Merry, Merry Micklemas

Looking at him like this, I find it hard to believe this guy was a huge star in his prime as well as married 8 times. One of these was Ava Gardner out of all people. Vanity Fair said he’s “the original Hollywood trainwreck.”

Nothing beats Christmas than seeing and old Mickey Rooney in a Santa beard and long underwear.

For God’s sake, who the hell thought this would make a great idea for a Christmas album cover? This is just totally sick. Hopefully, this album came out before the Jerry Sandusky scandal at Penn State. But I may be wrong.

Because nothing says “Merry Christmas” like a boy taking a steaming hot shower.

18. Nina and Frederik: Christmas at Home with Nina and Frederik

From The Man in the Gray Flannel Suit: “From the looks of Frederik, there’s only one of four things he wants to do this Christmas. 1. Sex you up. 2. Chop you into little pieces. 3. Sex you up and then chop you into little pieces. 4. Chop you into little pieces and then sex you up.” Why doesn’t he just make it convenient and get a woodchipper like in Fargo? Oh, sorry about that, Steve Buschemi.

When it comes to the holidays, Nina and Frederik prefer to spend Christmas at their peaceful cabin in the woods.

From Chudbeaglemusic Blog: “Think of it ladies-an evening of Mr. Bowes regaling us on his male organ and drinking his drugged wine, waiting to open the gifts of boxed-up body parts under the tree. Happy holidays!” I’ll pass, thank you very much. Seriously, I don’t want to drink with this guy.

There’s nothing more romantic at Christmas than spending a night near the tree drinking wine with a guy who might resemble a potential date rapist or serial killer.

22. Paul Holt: Fifty Grand for Christmas

Then again, he probably wishes he had 50 grand for Christmas. But with this album cover, he probably should’ve went with “I’ll Be Broke for Christmas.”

Of course, this guy wished he had 50 grand for Christmas. But he had to settle for a cheap album cover with some cheap ass hookers.

23. Dennis Day: Dennis Day Sings Christmas Is for Family

Of course, Jack Benny played the violin badly as part of his comic routine. However, I don’t think his comedy translates well when he’s in a Santa suit. Also, I think the kids are more anxious about opening presents than Jack Benny anyway.

Yes, kiddos, enjoy Christmas morning in your jammies with a private violin recital by the great Jack Benny in a Santa suit. Fun for the whole family.

24. Carol Channing: The Year Without a Santa Claus

Yes, that’s Carol Channing. Yes, she’s a famous celebrity. No, I don’t think she made a lot of horror movies. Yeah, I do think her face is bound to give little children nightmares.

From looking at this cover, I’m wondering if The Year Without a Santa Claus is a horror story.

25. The New Christy Minstrels: Christmas with the Christies

Yeah, decorate your hair with ornaments and lights. Of course, you’d have to walk slow so the baubles won’t fall off. And you can’t walk too far from the electrical outlet those lights are plugged in.

For festive holiday hair this Christmas, find a style you can decorate like a Christmas tree.

26. Fats Domino: Christmas Is a Special Day

That poor pooch probably doesn’t care for photo ops. Or maybe Fats Domino Christmas music. Wonder why it looks so blase. What a way to ruin a picture.

Yes, Christmas is a special day, indeed. But for Fats’s bichon frise, it doesn’t seem a happy one.

27. Mickey Gilley: Christmas at Gilley’s

Uh, Santa, I don’t think it’s a good idea to drive a magic reindeer pulled sleigh while under the influence. I mean this is how some kids get the wrong toys.

When Santa comes to the Gilleys, he always likes to raise a bottle of Texas booze while the country music’s playing.

28. Stan Freberg: Green Christmas and the Meaning of Christmas

I think this is supposed to be a satire on Christmas commercialism, consumerism, and materialism. And from how I see his face, he kind of looks pretty depressed about it.

Of course, his idea of a “green” Christmas has more to do with the Benjamins than with saving the environment.

Because nothing excites the family on Christmas morning more than a new Singer sewing machine.

31. Archie Wood and his Friends: Christmas Album

Okay that castle looks fairly run down. Not sure what to make out about the dogs. But I have to admit, that dummy is just completely terrifying if you ask me.

Think of this bunch as a mashup of Mister Rogers Neighborhood and your worst childhood nightmares.

32. Muzak: Stimulus Progression No. 3 Christmas

Heard they play this kind of music at Guatanamo Bay and in customer service departments. Let’s just say that Muzak is what they play on occasions like enhanced interrogations, when you’re on hold, or to drive away some unruly teens from loitering.

Because nothing makes Christmas better than hearing your favorite yuletide carols in the form of elevator music.

33. Perry Como: The Perry Como Christmas Album

Now my grandma is a huge fan of this guy. Still, with a voice like his and tons of fan girls, they should’ve been able to come up with a better design than some creepy photoshop like this.

Celebrate Christmas by listening to music coming from Perry Como’s disembodied head on a Christmas wreath.

34. Ray Charles: The Spirit of Christmas

Look, Ray Charles is a musical legend and a great singer and musician. Love his music and love Ray. However, this is not the kind of guy who should be driving a one horse open sleigh. Seriously, the guy’s blind as a bat. Not to mention, he wasn’t quite sober and clean.

If you think Perry Como’s head on wreath was creepy, you should see Ray Charles driving a sleigh.

35. Jimmy Pelham: Santa! Watch Your Claws

And it seems like Mommy and Santa are about to be getting into the nasty. Yes, Santa is a pervert and a very naughty boy.

If you think seeing mommy kissing Santa Claus was traumatizing, how about seeing mommy sitting on Santa’s lap?

36. Harry Secombe: Christmas Cheer

You know the creepy uncle you only see on holidays? You know the one who travels around in a windowless van your parents won’t let you in? Well, he released a Christmas album.

Because Santa Claus isn’t the only fat guy around who likes children around him. But at least Harry Secombe doesn’t need to sneak into their houses.

37. Six Million Dollar Man: Christmas Adventures

From The Man in the Gray Flannel Suit: “I thought the Six Million Dollar Man was supposed to be a good guy? Based on this cover, it seems as if he’s killed Santa, put on his costume, and jettisoned St. Nick’s corpse into space on board a rocket. Man, that’s effed up. Jolly ol’ Steve Austin looks like he’s getting some kind of sick thrill from the whole thing – check out that demonic smirk. Later, Austin uses his bionic powers to crush the Elves’ Revolt. You haven’t lived until you’ve heard the sound of an elf’s windpipe being crushed in slo-mo.”

Spend the holiday season listening to 4 exciting adventures from the Six Million Dollar Man.

38. Ben Best: Happy Christmas Party: The Best of Ben Best

I don’t think Ben Best looks like this and I have no idea who that guy is. Still, why the designer had to resort to the most uncreative gimmick to sell this album is beyond me. Yeah, let’s hope she gets some clothes for Christmas.

Of course, you can’t have a Christmas party without a naked girl surrounded by presents.

39. AC/DC: Mistress for Christmas

Now that’s no way to treat a lady. Looks like Bon Scott has basically kidnapped her and now he’s probably in very deep shit. Yeah, he has a weird look in his face.

Uh, Bon Scott, I don’t think you get a mistress for Christmas by grabbing some lady in a Santa dress by the legs.

40. Bootsy Collins: Christmas Is 4 Ever

Yes, marvel at Bootsy’s wonderful divine powers at his celestial creation of a big ass star. Yeah, his Christmas town is sure shining tonight.

Of course, Christmas is forever, as far as I know since Bootsy Collins is an overlord and deity of a snow globe Christmas town.

41. Indo G: Christmas N’ Memphis: Christmas Will Never Be the Same

I don’t know about you. But robbing a bank is very naughty, Santa Claus. And it can lead to a long prison sentence. You don’t want to go there.

Nothing says “Merry Christmas” and “Peace on Earth, Goodwill Toward Men” than the sight of Santa Claus being held by guns for robbing a bank.

42. The Carolleers: Favorite Christmas Carols

I don’t know about you. But something tells me that Johnny’s new girlfriend Jenny might be a vampire. I don’t know why, just look at her eyes and teeth. Not that it’s none of my business.

Yes, nothing warms your heart on Christmas than having strangers show up at your door and sing annoying songs to you.

43. Andre Kostelanetz and his Orchestra: Nutcracker Suite

From Cracked: “Why is a wolf-tiger hybrid groping its own tail while it plots to eat that girl? Why is a clown head sitting in a bush? Was the clown decapitated? If so, why’d he die with such a smile on his face? What part of the Nutcracker Suite was that in? Is that a log next to the clown head, or a slowly decomposing alligator? Why isn’t the cold preserving its corpse? Has there always been this much snow in hell? So many questions.” Yes, this is a cover that’s bound to give any child nightmares. And the ballet was pretty creepy, too.

Of course, I couldn’t do a Christmas album post this year without including Tchaikovsky’s Nutcracker Suite.

44. The Rhodes Kids: Rock n’ Rhodes Christmas

From Chudbeaglemusic Blog: “It has been said the studio sessions for The Rhodes Kids were fraught with debauchery of cocaine binges, physical fights, sexual attacks on stuffed animals and worse yet…those ghastly outfits. The Rhodes Kids currently have a massive following in Fiji and still tour there.”

Seems like the Rhodes Kids have been good enough this year for a personal visit from Santa Claus himself.

45. Cee Lo Green: Cee Lo’s Magic Moment

Now this is just so ridiculous like that Chess King vintage ad from the 1980s. But man, it’s sure a purple yuletide dream or nightmare.

While Santa has his sleigh and reindeer, Cee Lo has his flying sports car pulled by majestic and magical white horses.

46. Silver Sounds of Christmas

Now I heard they used this bird in a movie called The Snowbird Before Christmas. It was a slasher horror movie. And yes, this guy was the one killing everyone on Christmas Eve.

Hear the silver sounds of Christmas and freak out your child with an album of a scary Santa bird on the cover.

47. Sherwin Linton: Christmas Memories

Kids, you might not like getting clothes for Christmas. But if you do, you will never look as tacky as this guy. Yes, the 1970s weren’t the best decade for fashion.

Yes, nothing’s better on Christmas morning than sitting down with your pair of pink platform shoes and a horrendously ugly sweater.

48. Sy Mann: Switched on Santa

Still, I was expecting Santa to have access to state of the art technology most intelligence agencies operate on. This makes me a bit disappointed. Oh wait, that’s a synthesizer, dammit. Yeah, those can be quite annoying.

So that’s how Santa spies on kids to know whether they’re bad or good. So you better be good for goodness sake.

49. Jeri Kelly: Poor Ole’ Santa Claus

I don’t know about you. But I really have a bad feeling about that girl seeing Santa in his underwear and a present behind his back.

Poor Santa. Someone stole his suit and now he has nothing on but long underwear.

50. Yuletide Disco

I’m sure wearing garlands of tinsel might not cover you up for long. And I’m sure it’s not comfortable to wear. Also, looks incredibly ridiculous. Just saying.

Because, ladies, Christmastime is a time of year when you put on the tight pants and tinsel and boogie.

Now summer is a big season for music since it’s a time of year when musical artists are touring the country as well as the summer music festivals. So it’s no wonder why I decided to do yet another edition of vintage album covers you’d love to laugh at. For those who don’t know, the cover above is of Billy Joel’s 1980s album The Nylon Curtain which isn’t one of his best known albums but its cover does have a unique simplistic style a neighborhood at sunset in true minimalist fashion. Luckily, Billy Joel was such a noted artist in the early 1980s that his record company would certainly sent the best cover artist around even while the artist was dating models, going to parties, and drunkenly crashing cars into houses. Unfortunately, for those who relish in great album art like this, this post isn’t for you. So perhaps you should go to some website like Amazon or Ebay and look for the great album covers there. This is for crappy vintage covers that might’ve seemed like a good idea at a time, but are either dated or are a source of some unfortunate implications. Some might give you an idea that the cover artist was basically drunk or high on some mind altering drugs. Not sure if they had meth back then though. So without further adieu, here are some crappy album covers you and/or your parents might’ve forgotten about.

1. Eulenspygel 2

Well, looks like PeeWee wanted all the attention by himself so he made sure that his siblings would meet their gruesome deaths in the frying pan. Yes, that is one sick bird.

Hmmm….seems like farm chicks aren’t the innocent balls of fluff that we initially thought.

2. Larz Kelsterz Stuffparty 2

Seems like the music on this album appears to be inspired by Saturday Night Fever and ABBA. Of course, I can’t take this cover seriously with those garish golden polyester suits.

Possibly one of the pioneering albums in West German Eurodisco.

3. Black Sabbath Sabotage

The only positives about this is how one guy is wearing red tights and another is wearing a dress. Said to be one of the worst album covers in rock history. It’s said that the photo sessions of this cover were rushed and that it had become a victim of sabotage itself. Of course, it’s kind of fitting in a way.

Kind of makes me bummed seeing Ozzy Osbourne in what’s nothing more than a boring photoshoot. “Crazy Train” this ain’t.

4. Dave Stephens Organ Fascination

And not only any naked girl, one that seems like she really wants to get the photo shoot over with. Kind of like how a hooker wants to get it over with so she can take her cash and leave. Wonder if this album includes religious music, which would be all the more ironic.

Seems like the guy is so desperate to sell his organ music album that he put a naked girl on the cover.

5. Norberto de Freitas Trapalhadas do Balbino

Man, that guy on the cover really needs to see a dentist. Of course, some in America may swear they’ve seen a man like that on the Subway.

Didn’t know that Italians would be into hobo music. Then again, it might be opera hobo music.

6. Alison Angrim As Amy Carter Heeere’s Amy!

Sure she might be a sweet nerdy girl you might want to take home to mama. But, gentlemen, be warned that she can strangle you with her bare hands. If you’re a man who likes erotic asphyxiation, you have been warned.

There doesn’t seem to be anything sweet behind those oversized nerd girl glasses.

7. Music to Make Housework Easier

Okay, let’s get this straight. This woman is obviously not a housewife in any way, shape, or form. No real housewife would spend all day sweeping and ironing in business attire, even in the 1950s. It’s more likely that she’s a part-time working mom who’s taking a small smoking break who’s rushing to get everything done before her husband and kids come home.

Seems like she’s on her smoking break after she spent hours sweeping and ironing in her blouse, skirt, nylons, and high heels.

8. Heavy Load Stronger than Evil

Besides, I swear that Boromir almost looked just like that near the end of the first Lord of the Rings movie. Also, what’s with the face?

Either he’s not or good has a tendency to inflict a lot of collateral damage.

9. Battleaxe Burn This Town

Seriously, I think there have been more couch burnings in Morgantown, West Virginia with more bad ass flames than this. Wonder if this album art was done by a family member of the band. Because I find cover design hard to take seriously.

Sorry, but I don’t think that’s a very lame attempt for a scorched earth policy.

10. The Handsome Beasts Bestiality

Now I might not like a naked fat guy on the cover, but that’s not my issue here. My issue here is that they put a naked fat guy on the cover with a pig on an album titled Bestiality. Seriously, I think I have an idea of what’s going on and think it’s depraved.

Okay, I have a very bad feeling where this is going.

11. Nelson Because They Can

Now two guys in long blond wigs is one thing. But two dogs in long blond wigs like that? Now that’s just freaking hilarious. But to the dogs, it must be humiliating.

Possibly the most honest album cover I’ve seen for a long time.

12. Ethel Merman The Ethel Merman Disco Album

For those who don’t know who Ethel Merman is, she’s an early 20th century singer best known for singing show tunes and appearing on Broadway musicals. Why she did a disco album is anyone’s guess. Then again both Broadway and disco tend to have a gay fanbase.

Seems like your grandparents’ artists will do anything to stay relevant or appeal to a new generation.

13. Jonah Jones I Dig Chicks!

Of course, as to why they had all those girls on the back hoe without any proper safety equipment, I have no idea. Seriously, this cover photoshoot seems to use the same amount of safety procedures as Miley Cyrus’s “Wrecking Ball” video.

Interesting way how your put the gay rumors to rest.

14. Scorpions Animal Magnetism

I’m sorry, but whenever I see a guy standing towards a kneeling woman looking up at him, I tend to imagine something I really can’t mention at the moment. And the dog seems anticipating this. Still, not sure if the beach is the best place for that. Might need a change of venue.

Was this band even warned that their album art might not be suitable for PG audiences?

15. Fireballet Two, Too…

Now guys in leotards and tights is one thing. But hairy guys in tutus from the 1970s? Now that’s crazy. Guess the guy who thought this up must’ve been on some powerful hallucinogens.

Just a bunch of hairy men in the 1970s getting in touch with their feminine side. Despite the fact real male ballet dancers don’t wear tutus.

16. Alix Dobkin Living with Lesbians

Either the people in this photo are very butch lesbians in very but clothing, which might perpetuate obvious stereotypes. Or they’re all men, since it doesn’t seem apparent to me that any of them have boobs.

As a heterosexual woman, I don’t often say this, but I think the women shouldn’t be wearing such loose clothing, if they’re women at all.

17. Jose Angel Madre Soy Christiano Homosexual

Still, stereotypically speaking, he more or less resembles a guy you’d see at a Jimmy Buffett concert in Florida. But yeah, the coming out bit to his mom via album cover is pretty funny. Perhaps he’s better off telling her face to face. Then again, she probably knew anyway for years.

Translated as: “Mom, I’m a Christian Homosexual.”

18. Millie Jackson Back to the S**t!

Then again, she was just back from her Tijuana vacation with the runs shortly before the album’s release. Perhaps the bathroom shot was the best they can do at the moment. Still, it’s very much in poor taste. Really, I don’t anybody wants to see that.

As to why you’d want to promote your album with a glimpse of the most private moments of your life, I have no idea.

19. Butch Yelton and Upbound Swing that Gospel Axe

Okay, now if that guy swings that ax, he’s bound to inflict bodily injury on somebody in this photo. Other than that, seems to resemble more of a folk rock album from the 1970s, than anything featuring Christian music. Are these people trying to make themselves look like the Christianized ripoff to CCR?

For the love of God, no way in Hell! Seriously, you may hurt somebody.

20. The Murk Family Love for All Seasons

Now I like flowers as much as the next person. But I have to admit, that floral pattern is hideous. Let’s just say that there are some moments of 1970s fashion that nobody wants to repeat.

Of course, it was mandatory that everyone match for this photoshoot. So Mom decided to make outfits with the family tablecloth.

21. Elsie Brooks Elsie Brooks

This was Elsie’s idea for her album cover. She wanted to get closer to her roots while she was a struggling stripclub dancer at The Gaylord Club. She often wore the feather boa outfit in her act as well as danced with streamers.

Seems like she’s doing some dirty dancing with the typography.

22. Mike Terry Live at the Pavilion Theatre – Glasgow Vol. 2

Seems like Liberace was such a success in the United States that the Brits wanted a flamboyantly gay concert pianist of their own. Seems like Mike Terry happened to be it in his sparkly attire.

And I thought there was no gayer concert pianist than Liberace.

23. The Glitter Band Hey!

What’s even funnier is that I’ve actually played a song by Gary Glitter in high school and college band. Of course, their song “Rock and Roll Part 2” has been played at American sporting events for time immemorial. However, it’s said that Gary Glitter himself has been convicted of sexual abuse and child pornography since the 1990s.

Of course, I have to apologize that these guys are definitely not from the future or outer space. They’re from the 1970s.

24. Les Baxter Space Escapade

Still, you have to hand it to them that these guys aren’t prejudiced. I mean they’ll take yellow girls, pink girls, purple girls, etc. Also, wonder what’s inside those pots. Then again, maybe I don’t want to know.

Seems like Captain Kirk isn’t the only human space horndog in the galaxy.

25. The Peacemakers My Faith Still Holds

Of course, this Christian group would’ve gone with “The Police” but it was already taken. Still, not sure why the men are wearing police uniforms and the woman is clad in Cruella De Vil’s summer dress.

Your faith might still hold but I’m not sure if you can get out of jail for this one.

26. Colonel Sanders Colonel Sanders’ Tijuana Picnic

Seriously, if this is supposed to be a Tijuana picnic, then shouldn’t the family be eating Mexican food instead of KFC? Then again, the Colonel would probably lose some business to Taco Bell. Still, this is just a case of blatant product placement and geographical inaccuracy.

Seems more like a Kentucky Fried picnic to me as the Colonel intended.

27. Mike Adkins Thank You for the Dove

Now Mike Adkins is the kind of guy who once had a great career, a loving family, and was a hit at a party spouting tall tales and jokes galore. Then tragedy struck that he became a shell of himself. Of course, the dove is the best thing that’s ever happened to him since….the accident. So perhaps we should cut the guy some slack for once.

I’m sure his hand will soon be covered in birdshit as soon as the white dove can fly.

28. The Singing Postman The Best of the Singing Postman

Seems friendly enough. But of course, he probably had to turn to music since he was said to sleep with every woman in town. But I’m not sure if that’s for being a mailman or a musician.

Or as some people call it, “Music to Irritate Your Dog.”

29. Tino Por Primera Vez

Still, don’t know what to make of that short shorts and polo outfit. Or the pose where he’s spreading his legs. Kind of disturbing if I look at it. Still, album is probably aimed at teenage girls.

Guess this boy must’ve been the Justin Bieber of his day in Latin America.

30. Francisco y Fernando Vamos a la Playa

Well, it’s translated “Come to the Beach” even though neither have chests you want to write home about. But they seem to give each other the male gaze so to speak. Not sure if they’re “just friends” or have a love that dare not speak its name. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Hmmm….two shirtless guys at the beach with their backpacks. Wonder what can go on there.

31. The Celebration Road Show Amazing Grace

Now having a cute little kid juxtaposed with the homeless old guy with a bottle in his and sitting near an empty pit. Wonder what those two images have in common. And what the hell is the drunken old guy doing on a Christian album?

They decided to go with the cute kid in hopes that nobody would notice the old drunken homeless man.

Wonder if this album includes the story of David and Bathsheba or the Song of Solomon. Then of course, it’s probably catered to children. So no double entendres or David raping another man’s wife and having her husband killed.

Because nothing makes Sunday school more fun than listening to Bible stories told by some Middle Eastern clad ventriloquist shepherd and his shepherd dummy.

33. Music to Paint By

Still, I don’t think either one of them is in appropriate housepainting attire, which is crap clothes you can throw away. Also, I’m sure dancing isn’t a good idea when you’re holding paintbrushes either. I mean paint can really get in your clothes.

Now there’s an album you can listen to as you and your spouse put another coat on the living room walls.

34. Man with a Horn

Not sure if this woman wants to blow him or his trumpet. Of course, he usually blows out of his own trumpet anyway. Then again, maybe we should leave it up to the imagination.

Kind of like Fifty Shades of Grey but with more blowing action and a jazzy soundtrack.

35. Lenny Dee Down South

Of course, it seems like he’s distracted by the ballerina on a water surfboard. Still, for those who’ve seen my vintage postcards, it should be obvious he’s in Florida. Either that or just on acid.

A motorized raft for your piano? Now I’ve never seen that before.

36. The Phineas Newborn Trio “I Love a Piano”

Of course, she’s likely to hump a a leg that’s mahogany with a fine varnish and great curves. Still, I’m sure cuddling up with this kind of hard wood is sure to cause splinters.

While she does love legs, she prefers them as sturdy as they are graceful.

37. Music for Your Plants

Okay, now this is just ridiculous that it makes an album for your pets seem normal. Seriously, do plants even listen to music? Can they even hear at all? Nevertheless, I think hiring an orchestra for your ivy and ferns is just beyond crazy.

Now there’s even an album for your houseplants to listen to.

38. Cees Verschoor Dutch Sax

Hate to inflict some political correctness, but I think the outfit is a bit stereotypical. If not, then anachronistic or possibly more appropriate for a polka album. Still, at least she’s in high heels and nylons. But for God’s sake Dutch people don’t dress like that. Never have.

Didn’t know people in the Netherlands even listened to jazz music, let alone saxophone.

39. The Ventures Walk Don’t Run

Not only that, but the lead female singer was so much in rehearsal mode that she absolutely no idea what was going on. Of course, all the male members had to go to the hospital and the tour was cancelled.

Seems like the band experienced a little accident due to all the male members fighting over the pretty lead singer.

40. Smethin’ Smith and the Redheads Crazy People

Then again, all three could be reenacting their favorite sexual fantasy on the cover. Besides, those nurse outfits look like they’re straight from Mindy’s Sex Shop than any hospital.

I’m sure these guys don’t mind being in straitjackets at the funny farm with all those sexy nurses taking care of their needs.

41. Bert Kaempfert and His Orchestra If I Had You

Don’t look now but I think she’s giving the kind of face that says, “Ask me for a drink again and I’ll plan to file a restraining order against you.” Basically if a woman gives you a look like that at a bar, then she’s obviously not that into you.

Or as I call it, “Love Songs for the Singles Bar.”

42. David Carroll and His Orchestra Contrasts

Okay, now this guy is either in an old timey bathing suit or his pajamas. But we’re all sure he’s certainly distracted by the sexy. Still, why they thought an image like this was a good idea, don’t ask me. Oh, wait it was the girl in a bikini part.

Seems like old timey bathing suit guy really has a thing for the girl in the striped bikini.

43. Les Compagnons de la Chanson

Well, I guess this was probably the only place available for an album photo shoot. Still, I’m not sure a junk yard is an appropriate photo op destination for an album I definitely know doesn’t consist of rock music. Also, I think the tuxedos make the guys look a bit out of place.

For some reason, these guys don’t strike me as a garage band. Must be the tuxedos.

44. And God Gave Me a Fix: The John 3:16 Cook Story

Now I know this is a Christian album, pertaining to how Jesus saved a guy from a heroin addiction. But still what’s with the big hand inserting a crucifix into a guy with a hypodermic needle. Seriously, if this is about a guy finding God and overcoming a heroin addiction, I’m not sure if you want to use motifs pertaining to drug use. Talk about being high on Christ. Good God.

Love the tagline “From Junk to Jesus.”

45. Oral Roberts We Are Partners

Hate to offend anyone, but Oral Roberts in this reminds me of the kind of businessman who’d swindle his company of millions before heading to the Mexican border while he sets up his partner as the fall guy. That, or some Wall Street banker who was born with the character flaw of having no conscience that he robs millions through his own Ponzi scheme. Definitely not someone I’d want to shake hands with.

Oral Roberts wants you to embrace the true spirit of Jesus and shake his hand.

46. Joe “Fingers” Carr Honky Tonk

Sorry, fellas, but I’m sure your typical Old West prostitute never looked as pretty or clean as this woman. And I’m not sure if she wore a black silky outfit with fishnet stockings either. But yes, she might cater to the BDSM crowd. Can play either dom or sub.

Because nothing brings in the spirit of the Old West like a saloon floozie reclining on the piano.

47. Hugo and Luigi with Their Family Singers When Good Fellows Get Together

For now let’s hope for the best that these guys aren’t just fresh out of their AA meeting. Still, I guess this will result in at least one guy falling over or at least messing up with the lyrics. Yeah, drinking isn’t always the best activity between friends.

Because when good fellows get together, they all sing and hug each other while getting drunk.

48. Don Elliot and His Orchestra Music for the Sensational Sixties

Seriously, who the hell thought this would make a great album cover? It’s utterly ridiculous in my opinion, especially with the motorcycle and space bit. I’m sure what he has on that album won’t remind anyone of the 1960s anytime soon.

Nothing makes a great futuristic album than having a French horn player riding in a motorcycle in outer space.

49. Dr. Murray Banks How to Live with Yourself…Or…What to Do Until the Psychiatrist Comes

Seems like the waiting room at a psychiatrist’s office has the potential to be a rather interesting place. Then again, maybe you should go see a therapist after being in a room full of nuts like these.

Guess if you buy this guy’s album, you’re probably questioning your sanity by this point.

50. Les Feres Jacques Es Fessey

Now I’m not sure what distresses me about the French. The fact that Jerry Lewis has a considerable French fanbase or this album cover. I mean all these guys seem to want to spread their cape out and garner all the attention. Not sure why. Still, pretty ridiculous to say the least.