Have you ever just looked at a commercial or TV/movie plot and wondered, “What the ever-loving Christ were they thinking of when they wrote this?” Chances are you shared your confusion with a friend (or maybe your social media followers) and continued with your day. Maybe you didn’t even register it as more than a fleeting thought, a brief chuckle at the odd charms of those wacky Holly-weird types.

As someone who has never experienced a casual thought once in their life, I can’t relate.

Media criticism holds a very special place in my heart, but this is not so much a critique on the content as it is just an incredible sense of bewilderment. For the most part, I very much enjoy these unique displays of (what I consider) art. But that doesn’t mean I don’t lie awake at night wondering what the implications of these in-universe facts mean for the rest of the world outside of the plot.

Take, for example…

I’d like to react to this first example with the glaring question of whom, exactly, has been fantasizing about sexy Mr. Clean? Because this, dear reader, is not the work of a spontaneous burst of creativity in the writers’ room. This is the product of hours spent agonizing in the darkest depths of Archive of Our Own. This is late nights scouring the deep-web for “Mr.Clean/Reader, 500k words, porn without plot” at 4am.

“You gotta love a man that cleans,” the ad states as the image fades to a blur. If the fine folks at Mr. Clean were truly being honest, they would’ve ended with, “You gotta love a man in skin-tight white denim with an ass that won’t quit.”

Speaking of an ass that won’t quit…

If you’re a horror movie fan, you might recognize a little film series called Phantasm, which revolves around a 19th century mortician named The Tall Man and his spooky, murderous exploits. The Tall Man is known not only for his great height and generally creepy mortician-ness, but also his mixed bag of superhuman abilities. Among his many talents are superhuman strength, telekinesis, immortality, and a number of goons and gadgets that aid him in his rampage.

And, if need be, he can also shape shift into a sexy lady for a night on the town…Wait, that can’t be right.

Despite having a wheelhouse of capabilities, including strength and immortality (two things that have been shown to beat out horny teenagers in a number of slasher fics, just ask Jason Voorhees), the Tall Man is shown in one scene dressing up as a bombshell and heading out for a night on the town. She meets a man at a bar, and things go just about as well as you’d expect. You know, the classic rom-com formula:

Boy meets girl. Boy follows girl to cemetery for some frisky fun among the graveyards. Girl turns into scary old man mid-coitus and kills boy.

I’m sure dating as an immortal, bloodthirsty mortician can’t be easy, but clearly the Tall Man never heard that it’s best to just be yourself. I’m just saying, if I had Swiss Army orbs at my disposal (tw: blood and gore reminiscent of leaky tomato soup cans), transforming into a bodacious babe would be the last of my utilized talents.

So what’s the take-away here?

I have no broad message here. I can’t explain to you why there is an in-universe pope in Pixar’s Cars franchise. I also can’t convey to you the horrific implications of the airport security (Bearport?) in that Charmin commercial from 2014 (the fact that there are implied bearorists who must be kept out of the bearplanes, or the fact the bears who are not shown as being the Charmin spokes-bears are seen fully clothed, raises the question of Bear Nudism that really does not need to be answered).

I suppose the ultimate take-away is this: If sexy CGI Mr. Clean manifests physically in your home, seek the aid of an exorcist.

The brash speaking voice of a sea-hardened sailor and the softness of a velvet child. Two types of Brown and constantly talking about it. Catch me knitting in the sun and talking about social injustice/horror movie plot holes.