Do You Offer Comfort the Wrong Way? In Grief, Every Word and Deed Counts

There is no
gentle way to say this: My husband and I lost three special friends within a
two-week period. Their ages: 83, 72, and 65.

Two had
health issues, but their deaths were nevertheless unexpected. Both died in
front of their wives – wives who had stood by their sides for close to five
decades. Caregiving was an everyday, 24/7 reality for these couples.

My other
friend died suddenly after re-starting her life as a single woman. Her last
public picture was snapped at a non-profit gala: she is dressed head-to-toe in hippie
garb, with a dazzling smile and glowing expression.

The question is, how do you express your comfort in a
situation of grief? Sometimes, well-intentioned people say the wrong
thing.

Research shows that people who are grieving are more likely to think “She is a moron,” instead of “She was uncomfortable with this situation,” after someone lobs an insensitive, invasive, or awkward comment.

The Wrong Things to Say to Someone Who is Grieving

Here are some really stupid things NOT to say to loved ones left behind:

It’s better this way.

Time heals all wounds.

I know what you’re feeling. I understand what you’re going through.

It’s part of God’s plan. She/he is in a better place.

What happened?

At least you’re not going through (and then cite your personal story…)

Stay strong.

Everything will be okay.

It was his/her time.

Don’t be sad when there’s so much to be grateful for.

God needed him/her more than you do.

People have been through worse.

We all have problems.

God never gives you more than you can handle.

Everyone dies eventually.

You can re-marry.

Consider the
Mourner’s Feelings

When you have to show
compassion to a grieving friend or loved one, be considerate of their feelings of
loss and concern, particularly after the loss of a spouse. They are most likely
thinking:

I feel like I
lost my best friend.

I feel guilty
that I didn’t do enough for him/her.

I am afraid.
I am devastated.

I am worrying
about lots of things.

Suddenly I
feel very old.

I am thinking
about my own death more frequently.

I’m relieved
the suffering’s over, but guilty for feeling that way.

What Helps a Person in Grief?

You can start by listening to them express their feelings
and fears. Texting is another option and stating you don’t expect a response is
even better.

Be honest and express that you have no idea what they are
going through or how it feels. After all, this isn’t about your story.

In many
cases, the mourner has to deal with the many death-related tasks and decisions,
sometimes on their own. They’d have to choose a casket, arrange for a burial
plot, cancel future doctor appointments, write an obit, select burial attire,
secure clergy to officiate, etc.

If there’s no
one to help them out and you feel inclined to assist them, that would be much
appreciated.

You can also
offer to do specific tasks, such as walking their dog, picking up a
prescription, or fetching a relative from the airport. This lifts the burden
off the survivors to come up with a task for you to do.

Sending
something special to them can offer hope that life isn’t over. My hand-knitted pouches
with comforting, personalized messages tucked inside have worked well.

Even if none
of the above appeals to you, showing up with food can definitely lift the mood.
Or you can organize meal deliveries during those first wrenching weeks.

Offering Comfort Requires Mindfulness

When a friend
or loved one loses their spouse, keep in mind that the event most likely
dismantled the life the couple had built together. That is another loss to
account for.

Grief never
comes as a sole feeling. It is always accompanied by feelings of anger,
despair, disbelief, shock, numbness, apathy, loss of appetite, and lack of
energy. Sometimes it takes a while for a person to work through each of these
feelings and get back to a routine that works for them.

Accepting the
death of a loved one varies with each individual. For some, it may take years
to get comfortable living again.

Whatever the
case, however, keep in mind that doing something is always better than doing
nothing.

How do you
handle loss? How do you grieve? What can you do to comfort people who have
suffered the loss of a loved one? Please share in the comments below.

Let's Have a Conversation!

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Iris Ruth Pastor, a lifestyle guru, advocates Preserving Your Bloom – encouraging women to use their talents and resources to be the best they can be. Iris is a regular blogger, sought after speaker, and author of the book “The Secret Life of a Weight – Obsessed Woman.” To sign up for her weekly newsletter, read her slice-of-life blogs: www.irisruthpastor.com.

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