Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Highlights from Trump: The Speech

I mean, inasmuch as Donald Trump speaks. He expounds, he proclaims, he bloviates, he propels spittle from the corners of his mouth. I'm not sure if he has the power of human speech.

If you're a Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan, you're welcome.

Anyway, Donald Trump held a rally in Dallas yesterday, during which he made the sounds of words before about 15,000 people at the American Airlines Center, which completely coincidentally is where the circus also performs when it rolls through town. The tickets were free, and all 17,000 of them were snapped up quickly. But only 15,000 people showed up. That means about 2,000 tickets were claimed by geniuses who then turned around and put them on eBay and Stub Hub at prices up to $200, only to discover what the market value of a free ticket is.

Trumponomics at its finest.

You may be surprised to learn that I did not attend the event. Instead I stayed home and drank too much and had an anxiety attack over my impending move. I still think I had a better time than I would have at the rally.

However, I did manage to get my hands on an exclusive transcript of the Donald's speech. Because that's the kind of above-and-beyond-and-made-up effort I make for my readers on the days I bother to post at all.

Again, you're welcome.

Here are a few excerpts from the mouth of the head of the hair of the man of the hour, Mr. Donald J. "Bluto" Trump:

On inclusiveness: "I'm pleased to be here in Dallas. This is my kind of city. Not like Fort Worth over there. Those people don't know what the hell they're doing. When I'm President, I'll be the kind of President who rules over the good people of Dallas and protects them from filthy pigs like the ones in Fort Worth."

On women's rights: "People accuse me of being anti-woman. This could not be further from the truth. These pussy bitches who say those things should be slapped until they're ready to listen. I love women. A woman who really knows how to cook and clean and, you know, still be ready when her man comes home...that to me is a beautiful woman, even if she's a real uggo, that's a woman with a beautiful persona, you know? And if a woman also wants to try to make something of herself or make her own decisions, you know, I'm going to smile and pat her on the head and say, 'You go for it, honey.'"

On immigration: "I was watching that Stephen King show, that Under the Dome show, and I thought to myself, this guy is brilliant. A dome over a town that goes up as high as you can see and down into the Earth as far as you can dig. Nothing comes in. Nothing goes out. And if you touch it, you die. That's really, really smart. Why stop at a wall? If we're serious about keeping undesirable people out of America, we need to build this dome, and we need to get the world to pay for it. That's the kind of American ingenuity I'll bring to this great nation as President."

On religious freedom: "I'm a Presbyterian. Do you know what that means? Do you know who else was a Presbyterian? Fred Rogers. Mr. Rogers, the - the guy with the sweater and the train. Do you know who I'm talking about? He had that show, for years he had that show. My kids, the nanny told me my kids loved that show, loved Mr. Rogers. He was a Presbyterian. And so religion is very important to me."

On taxes: "I don't like 'em. I don't pay 'em. Somebody should definitely pay them, but it's not gonna be me, and under a Trump presidency, it's not gonna be you. Everybody needs to pay their fair share, unless that money would be better spent somewhere else, and then of course that's where it should go. If corporations have to cut jobs because of the tax burden, then people lose their jobs, and unemployed people, you know, they don't pay taxes. So corporations shouldn't pay any taxes because otherwise there won't be any taxpayers. Also, the tax code is too complicated."

Mr. Trump concluded with these inspiring words:

"My friends, we will make America great, because America frankly sucks, and I can't wait to run it. You people are going to make great bitches for me. Fuck Fort Worth. Good night!"

Tears...tears in my eyes. I can barely see to type this. Damn this is beautiful. Thank you so much for bringing us the best of what our soon to be greatest president ever has to offer. There is nothing more to say except...TRUMPY, NO!