Montezuma’s Revenge

My recommendation is that if you want to hate your son, please take him to Disneyland. If you want a preview of his coming dereliction, and if you want to see the extent you have failed at preparing a person for life in the world, by all means take him to this cacophonous hellzone. The only succor on offer is to see how miserably your generational cohort has failed their children, also.

There are now Vitas, Vitas which exist, just as the 3DS has entered some kind of normal rotation. You will recall that these nation-states are old rivals, and that comparisons to their earlier iterations came readily; as I’ve already suggested, history has been repeated. We have a slugfest between a slow-burning, three-eyed mutant and a technical behemoth.

Again.

Even when a first generation title is good, and this has been the case with the Vita just as it was with its ancestor, the platform holder can’t resist cramming in some platform specific bullshit to make sure you know that you’re playing with power™ or whatever. The first Uncharted had this kind of ungainly crap, which mysteriously(?!?) sloughed off as it moved into its greatest installment. It’s all back, now, in the portable Uncharted, even though the fact that you are playing a portable Uncharted is actually the draw, a franchise which Sony owns, and will never exist elsewhere. It is, itself, the most pure sort of platform indicator! These people.

Vita “feevah” swept the office while I was away, their eyes glimmer like coals, but all I can see are the old whorls and teeth of the ancient fractal. I had a system in 2005 that was like a full console situated entirely in my clutch; the brutal costs spooked developers, and though it had a solid lineup at launch and eventually featured many must play titles, the weird little nonsense machine overtook it. I wanted more strangeness, more uniqueness, and I got that on the less risky platform. I want to know why it’s going to work this time.