Baseball Is Losing Its Ugly: A Lament for Big League Chew

Earlier this month, it was announced that, come June, Big League Chew bubble gum — invented in 1968 by former all-star pitcher Jim Bouton and Rob Nelson, when both were teammates with the Class A Portland Mavericks — will no longer feature uncouth cartoon characters on its pouches. They will be replaced with photos of actual major leaguers. This blows.

Not the change itself. It isn't the first time the iconic illustrations of Georgia artist Bill Mayer were swapped out for images of pro players. A brief promotion in the late 1990s had Hall of Famers Juan Marichal, Billy Williams, and Brooks Robinson gracing the gum. What's upsetting is the players chosen this time: Los Angeles Dodgers outfielder Matt Kemp and Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Cole Hamels.

A Big League Chew pack from 1980 (top) and the new packaging featuring Matt Kemp.

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Baseball, more than any other sport it seems, attracts physical freaks. Think 3'7'' Eddie Gaedel — who had one at-bat for the St. Louis Browns in 1951 — or 6'10" bird-slaughterer and inevitable Cooperstown inductee Randy Johnson. And Babe Ruth himself, who was rumored to have once devoured a dozen hot dogs between a double-header. As famously fat first baseman John Kruk once told a fan — and titled his 1994 memoir — "I ain't an athlete, lady. I'm a baseball player."

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The Internet is full of "Ugliest Baseball Players" rankings. Almost always at the top is 1950s-1960s pitcher Don Mossi. Even legendary baseball author Bill James couldn't resist addressing Mossi's hideousness in his 2010 The New Bill James Historical Baseball Abstract:

[M]ossi had two careers, one as a reliever and one as a starter, and he was pretty darned good at both. No one who saw him play remembers that, because Mossi's ears looked as if they had been borrowed from a much larger species, and reattached without proper supervision... One of the problems with choosing the ugliest and handsomest players is that a player who looks little short of grotesque in one pose or one photograph will look fine in another... You never had this problem with Don Mossi.

But that's one of the beauties of the national pastime: the unnecessariness of beauty. And that's what's always been so great about the drawings adorning Big League Chew: They embrace baseball's brutishness. The butt chin, greasy long hair, kielbasa schnoz. This was intentional. "My characters were exaggerated, crusty, rough," says Mayer, who's also done work for IBM, DreamWorks, Levi's, and even designed a series of U.S. stamps. "I spent a few years growing up in New York. I grew up with Casey Stengel and Yogi Berra. Scraggly, ballsy players."

Bouton fell in love with the artwork at first sight. "They were funky, edgy," he says. "They looked real. They weren't Disney characters. And none of them used steroids."

Kemp and Hamels are the opposite of crusty, scraggly, edgy. In fact, there are few bigger pretty boys in the game (after Jeter, of course). Just look at Kemp's modeling portfolio of a Web site. This is the guy who dated — still dates? — Rihanna, remember. Hamels shed a bit of his dandyish persona last season after he intentionally hit Washington Nationals rookie phenom Bryce Harper with a pitch — and then brazenly admitted to it, receiving a five-game suspension as a result. But he's still got leading-man looks and hasn't fared too poorly in the romance department himself.

Their partnership with Big League Chew isn't all bad. A portion of the proceeds go to charity. And Bouton assures that the characters will soon reappear on other products. (An announcement is forthcoming at May's Sweets & Snacks Expo in Chicago.) But the gum ditching homely for hunky is indicative of an unfortunate trend on the pro diamond. This offseason, New York tabloids were splashed with images of a paunchy Jeter accompanied by such captions as "Derek Eater." (Never mind that the Yankee captain broke his ankle in October and wasn't allowed to run bases until just a couple weeks ago.) And much talk this spring training has concerned the offseason weight gain of Bryce Harper and his Rookie of the Year compatriot in the American League, Los Angeles Angels outfielder Mike Trout.

Baseball is fast becoming no place for ugly men, especially as Brian Wilson and his beard remain unsigned. The Babe would be rolling in his grave — if only he could turn over.