Did you know there’s a lady in your phone?

by Adam Engel / April 9th, 2013

Did you know there’s a lady in your telephone? Poised, attractive (tojudge by voice alone), bi-lingual, up on company codes and jargon, even. I got your message and just now tried to call you back—but, yup,The Lady forbade my connecting with you. What’s with her, anyway?

Areyou seeing her, and she’s jealous, protective, fending off all others of any sex? This is the second time she’s fended me.

So. I suppose if you know she’s there, that’s one thing. And if youdon’t know, well, that’s another. I’ll try again, but think I’ll have to wait for you to call me. Quitea dame, this lady is.

She’s no Lady, she’s a cunt. Not even, for the wickedest whore was a softy-poop-diaper baby once; even Obama. Not her. “She” has all the humanity of an abortion; a mistake.

She lured me in with her refined diction and Oxford (the insurance company or the college?) charm. Not to mention her lithe, petit but athletic body and Mina Loy-look-alike face.

Until I realized something strange. She is perfect for me. My female me, my anima. The woman I would create for myself if I could create a woman for myself. Which was her game all along.

She’s just a ghost in the machine. A wicked spirit, whoring her digital facsimile of the Idea of hot-pattootie fuck-puppet (or at least, my Idea, in the Schopenhauerian sense, my Representation), for Big Media, in particular, the pay-as-you play (perfect for her plutocratic pimps’ exploitative designs) cell-phone plan.

I’m over her. She holds no power over me, merely my phone, which she does indeed possess, demon that she is, but who the hell can afford an Exorcist? (or is it a System Administrator that I need?) Probably their plan all along: lure you in with your own desire made manifest in digitally rendered sound, haunt you day and night, then hit you up for an Exorcist, who no doubt works for the Company. Damn them. “Curse their dark souls,” as Ahab said in his delusion (they have no souls; poor man, what was he thinking???).

Then again, we should have paid more attention to the old, obsessive-compulsive peg-leg. Ahab tried to warn us, but nobody even read his words till the 20s, and really only in great numbers after Olson’s essay on Moby Dick in the late 1940s, by which time it was far, far too late for us to smell the shit under the Shinola.

I’ll call you later. On the minutes that I paid for (time really is money, eh?) the only “time” she is ever absent, conspicuously so, from my “cell.” Interesting word, that. Considering the situation. Cell as in Cancer, or as in “bill of goods?”

We have met the White Whale, and he is us…

Adam Engel has traveled the farthest regions of cyberspace, where Dark-matter meets Doesn't-matter; and Anti-matter, despite its negative connotation and dour point-of-view, excercises rights of expression protected by Richard Stallman's GNU/Free Software Foundation and CopyLeft agreement, if nobody and nothing else. Having spent many years studying Boobus Americanus (Summum Ignoramus), allegedly the most intelligent mammal on earth -- after its distant relative, Homo Sapiens -- in various natural habitats (couch, cubicle, bar-stool, ball-game -- televised or 'real-time') -- Engel has thus far related his observations of and experiences with this most dangerous of predators in three books -- Topiary, Cella Fantastik, and I Hope My Corpse Gives You the Plague (the combined international sales of which have reached literally dozens, perhaps as many as seventy, with projected revenue to top three digits by decade's end! Truly a publishing phenomenon). Engel is Associate Editor of Time Capsule Books, a division of Oliver Arts & Open Press, published in limited editions for a tiny, highly specified, though eclectic, target-audience: people who actually read books. He can be reached at adam@dissidentvoice.org Read other articles by Adam, or visit Adam's website.