A play-by-play of the ABC-TV series, The Bachelor, aka the greatest reality television show of all time. These started out as e-mails to a friend and a wife, who in turn forwarded those e-mails to friends. They told two friends, and so on... So now it's on a blog for all to see.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Hello!
It's been a while. Not much, how 'bout you? And I really do miss your smile.

Oh, if
only it were Venezuela Danielo and John Ford Coley, we could really tie this thing
together. (That was a '70s song reference for all you kiddies out there. Bing
it.)

We are back.
And it really has been a while. August? Seems like forever ago. I may have
forgotten how to do this. But let's see how it goes.

Our new
hero is the first minority Bachelor, according to the always reliable
Wikipedia. Although doesn't an Englishman in America count as a minority? Or
the Canadian? Anyway, it's Juan Pablo. You know, the guy who saw almost no
screen time last season but somehow by sheer force of his sexy accent seduced
the nation? Ooh-la-la… That may be the wrong expression, but whatever is
Spanish for ooh-la-la.

You ever
wonder how these regular people season after season can be so natural and
charismatic on TV? Me, too. I mean, this guy was just a mid-level soccer pro,
according to the narrative the show gives us. I’ve interviewed athletes. Trust
me, very few are witty and charming and suave. Well, a little digging on the
aforementioned Wikipedia tells me that JP left soccer to become a promoter in
the Miami club scene and then onto the record business. He also filmed
commercials and was a presenter on a TV sports show. So there’s more to the
story than we get on The Bachelor. The guy's got TV chops.

All we
know from watching the show is that he’s a dedicated father who quit sports because his
daughter was born. You know, the way all athletes do when they become parents.
It’s a much better atmosphere for a youngster when their daddy is working nights in the nightclub capital of America.

It's not easy

As we got
reacquainted with JP, he tells us “being a dad is not easy” over top of footage
of him in bumper cars at an amusement park and frolicking on the beach with his
daughter. Not easy, indeed.

I notice
despite moving back to the United States (he was born there, too), his daughter
speaks almost exclusively Spanish. Not judging; just noticing.

Before JP
got settled in as the Bachelor, he was paid a visit by former Bach Shirtless
Sean, who was probably just relieved to get away from his sham of a
relatioinship. (He mentioned he was married, which was news to me, but then again I
don’t keep up on these things. I just remember his awkward appearance with
Catherine at the end of last season when they could barely mask their
disinterest in each other.) Sean gave him some kissing strategy (kiss lots,
kiss often, and don’t get caught kissing), then he and JP danced together. Come to
think of it, maybe everything the guy does just looks awkward.

Then we
get some gratuitous shots of JP shaving and showering. I’ve mentioned this
before, and I’ll mention it again, but how exactly does that work? He was
lathering up so it looked like a real shower. But surely if he were really
showering, he wouldn’t just go about his naked cleansing with a camera crew in
his face as if it were the most natural thing in the world. I know he’s Latino
and everything, but still. And if he’s not really showering, i.e. is wearing
bathing trunks, what’s with all the soap? Conclusion: It’s fake!

Gratuitous shower scene

Now, I
know that’s not earth-shattering news, but at some level it just stinks. You
have to imagine the conversation going into it:

“Okay,
Juan Pablo, we need some shots of you showering. Get into your bathing suit and
just look like you always look in the shower and we’ll creep up on you. No
hanky-panky, though.”

It’s
something I really, really hate about the show, and yet it’s so insignificant.
I know it’s there for the ladies so they can ogle his hunkiness, but can’t they
just put him in real situations. That’s what the swimming pool is for.

Anyway,
enough about my personal pet peeve. Chris Harrison greeted us outside the
mansion and it looked like he was given instructions on how to use his hands
more while talking. Either that or I’ve just never noticed it before.

We saw
little vignettes on nine of the women we’d meet later. I liked four of them:
Chelsie, who was silly, fun and outgoing (her words); Renee, the
paddleboarding, rollerblading single mom from Sarasota; Nikki, the pediatric
nurse; and Lauren H., the not-quite-over-it Oklahoman who was dumped recently
by her fiancé.

But those
vignettes mean nothing. Not even sure why they do them. Because next up is
meeting all 27 (JP was so popular they had to include two more) women as they
roll up in limos. Of these, I tentatively liked nine of them (√), absolutely
didn’t like ten (x), and had neutral feelings about eight (–). Here they were,
in order of appearance:

Amy L, a news reporter from
Florida. (√)

Cassandra, a former NBA dancer from
Michigan with shy, awkward pauses (√)

Christy, a 24-year-old marketing
manager from Chicago (√)

Christine, a 23-year-old police
support specialist from Florida, who brought a gift for JP’s daughter, a
bracelet with her name on it (–)

Nikki, the 26-year-old nurse
from Missouri, who let JP listen to her heart through a stethoscope to hear how
nervous she was (√) (Was there a mic inside the stethoscope? How did we hear
it?)

Kat, a Scottsdale dancer who
can’t salsa and is very forward (–)

Chantel, a 27-year-old
African-American account manager from San Diego, also very forward. (x)

Victoria, a 24-year-old legal
assistant from Florida by way of Brazil (√)

Lucy, a 24-year-old barefoot
free spirit from California. Yes, that was her job description: “Free Spirit”.
She wore flowers in her hair, naturally. (x)

Danielle, a 25-year-old psych nurse
from Missouri (√)

Then Lauren S wheeled up pushing and playing
an out-of-tune piano. Not particularly well, either, but she was nervous. And
pushing her instrument, which can’t be easy. She’s a 26-year-old composer. She
was so nervous she forgot to say her name so after she went inside, JP followed
her in to ask it. Not sure why, since he’s admittedly horrible with names. (x)

The third
limo brought Chelsie, a 24-year-old
science educator from Ohio. She brought test tubes and goggles but it was just
gag so she could throw them away saying they should make their own chemistry.
Gag, indeed. (–)

Valerie, a personal trainer who
wore a long dress and boots because she’s a farm girl. She’s also handy with a
crossbow, we found out in the vignettes. (–)

Elise, a 27-year-old grade one
teacher from Pennsylvania who told him they have so many things in common. (x)

Ashley, another grade one
teacher, only 25 and from Texas. She gave JP a gold star. (–)

Then a
fake pregnant girl. Oh, the producers wanted us to think it was real, but as
soon as she stepped out and they cut to commercial, I knew it was fake, as I
assume everyone else did. Her name was Clare
from California. In the vignette, we learned she was a hair stylist who’s part
Mexican, and the youngest of six girls. Her deceased father made her a DVD
meant for the man she finds. She’s never seen it. Hmm, I wonder if we’ll get to
see it… (–) (Yes, of course we’ll get to see it.)

Amy J, the 31-year-old massage
therapist from LA that we saw in a vignette. Kinda flakey. (x)

Renee, the 32-year-old single
mom I liked from the vignettes. Still liked her after her intro. (√)

Lauren H, the 25-year-old mineral
coordinator (huh?) from Oklahoma who’s still not over being dumped by her
fiancé. I liked her in the vignette, not so much in the intro. (x)

Maggie, a 24-year-old personal
banker (teller?) from South Carolina. With her strong southern accent, she gave
JP a fishing hook because she and her family love fishing and because she wants
to hook him. (x)

Kelly, a 27-year-old
professional “dog lover” from Georgia. Yes, she brought her dog. That’s an
automatic x in my books. (x)

The last
limo introduced us to Lacy, a
25-year-old nursing home owner from California. In the vignette, we also found
out she’s from a family of 13, nine of whom are special needs. She gave aspirin
to JP. He ate them like they were candy. (–)

Alexis, a 24-year-old
communications director from Florida. (–)

Kylie, a 23-year-old interior
designer from Illinois who sounded drunk right off the limo. (x)

Sharleen, a 29-year-old opera
singer from Ottawa, Canada, even though she lives in Germany. I thought she
exuded class, and so did JP. More on her later. (√)

Andi, an assistant DA from
Georgia. She played a power move when JP couldn’t remember her name. She said,
“Your name again?” Well played. (√)

Twenty-seven
women. That’s a regular weekend of dating for a guy like Juan Pablo, but
they’ll stretch this out over a few months. Hey, it’s the down season in Miami.

It's all perspective

Also
interesting to see Florida-heavy representation. Nineteen percent of the
contestants hail from the penis of America. The producers managed to find five
women in Florida who hadn’t yet dated the suave one already.

Here’s
one line uttered by our man JP that you’d never hear on The Bachelorette: “I feel like a meal. They wanna eat me,” he said
of all the ravenous ladies.

JP and
Renee looked good together. They also each professed to love the fact that the
other was a single parent. I found that funny for some reason I can’t put my
finger on. What’s that even mean?: “I love that you’re a single mom/dad.”

Amy J
took JP outside the mansion to her massage table. JP got the full(y clothed)
treatment. All those essential oils went to waste. He also thought the whole
thing was “awkward.” I loved it when she said, “I feel like you’re one of the
most beautiful people and we have a lot in common.” Maybe she didn’t mean to
imply a connection between the two, but that’s what I inferred.

Lauren H
was struggling. She’s quite attractive when she’s not pouting, which she was
doing a lot of because she wasn’t getting the time with JP that most of the
others were getting. To her credit, she wasn’t blaming anyone but herself. She
always thought of herself as confident and now she was finding out otherwise
and she was disappointed in herself. Fittingly, Ashley, who has lots of
experience in this type of behaviour as a grade one teacher, consoled the
inconsolable Lauren H.

It was
all for naught anyway because she soon got her solo sit-down with the man of
her most recent dreams. Within a minute, she brings up
her broken engagement. Not to worry, though, because “I’m so over it,” she
said. Clearly.

It's over

Then it
was the Canadian’s turn. JP was smitten with her elegance. He felt she
separated herself from the rest of the group with her class, beauty,
sophistication and brain. She, however, didn’t feel an instant chemistry. She
thought if felt forced. So when he excused himself, it didn’t even clue in to
her that he was going to retrieve the first impression rose for her. When he
returned, she just stared dumbfounded. He asked her if she would accept it and
there was a long pause. Not even a pause of excited disbelief; just a pause as
in ‘what the hell am I getting myself into?’ She finally stumbled out,
“Seriously?” Then after staring at the rose for what seemed like an eternity,
she said, without a hint of emotion, “Sure, yes. Thank you, sir.”

That’s
what she said, isn’t it? I replayed it a couple of times and it sure sounded
like “sir” to us. She told the producers she was “incredibly flattered” but
said it’s too early to say if she feels anything. I think I hear the fat lady singing on this relationship.

So Sharleen
was automatically in. JP would hand out 17 more roses, letting nine go home
early. The roses went out in order to the following (with my original √, x, or
– in parentheses)

Not pregnant Clare (–)

Nikki the Nurse (√)

Renee the Mom (√)

Andi the DA (√)

Alli the soccer-playing
nanny (x)

Chantel the
African-American (x)

Lauren S the piano-pushing
composer (x)

Kelly and her dog (x)

Cassandra the NBA dancer
(√)

Danielle the psych nurse (√)

Chelsie with the test tubes (–)

Kat the dancer (–) *a funny moment occurred when
Kylie thought she heard her name being called and walked toward JP, who looked
terrified

Victoria the Brazillian (√)

Christy the, uh, marketing manager (√)

Lucy the drifter (x)

Elise, one of the grade one teachers (x)

Amy L the news reporter (√)

Who did
that leave out? Well, obviously drunken Kylie (x) (I don’t believe she was
drunk at all; her voice just sounded a little rough). She expected to be there
for a long time, she said crying. Lauren H (x), the attractive but broken
woman. She said, crying, that she’s sick and tired of people feeling sorry for
her. I think it was best she lost now before she got too far into it. I also
think time heals all wounds and she’ll be okay soon. Chin up, Lauren H! Amy J
(x), the masseuse, was also a goner. That’s who we saw. I need to do forensics
to figure out the others. Hang on one second. I’ll be right back…

Okay, got it. Christine (–), who thoughtfully gave JP a bracelet for his daughter, got the
boot. So did Valerie (–), the crossbow shootin’ farmer and personal trainer.
Bye-bye also goes to Ashley (–), who presented JP with a gold star, Maggie (x),
the southern banker who gave him a fishing hook, Lacy (–), the nursing home
owner who fed JP pills, Alexis (–) from Florida.

Hey, big ups to JP for getting all those names right. He said he's horrible with names, and who can blame him meeting 27 new people in one night. I wonder what his process was. I think he must have been followed around by an assistant as he nodded surreptitiously and they jotted down the corresponding name.

And there
you have it. Looks like some good drama in coming weeks. Anyone have any idea
who it was sitting on the floor sobbing that they’d like to see JP dead? No one
seems that mentally unstable. But it’s early yet. Stay tuned.