So begins the Kohli 2012 video which has officially gone viral as of last night. With over 183 million hits in just two days the video has caused an overnight sensation in most parts of the world, except New Zealand, naturally.

The video tells the story about a very cruel man from the heart of Asia. A man, who in this year alone, has sent countless bowlers to the soft couch of a psychologist’s office. A merciless, angry man, who, if unstopped could destroy generation upon generation of young bowlers from ever seeing the inside of a dressing room, let alone a flat track tailor made for their destruction.

The story of Kohli is told through two young men, whose stories would touch even Steve Waugh’s ice heart. We are first introduced to a young boy from Sri Lanka called Malinga, who is shown sobbing into Mahela Jaywardenes shoulder. “Why? Why would he do such a thing. He told me he was my friend when I went to Dehli last time. Death would be better than this. Just take this pain away. Oh god”. Earlier that day Kohli had brutally taken apart Malinga at a strike rate of 293. It’s hard not to cringe when you say those numbers out loud. Watching Mahela trying to pat Malingas head through his thick mop is hard to watch, even for the most desensitised amongst us.

From there the story moves to a Pakistani named Wahab Riaz. “I knew he was on the move, but I could not have known the horror that was about to come. I wanted to retire in the middle of the over than bowl to him”. When told he was taken for 40 off 17 Riaz just stares into the distance with his lips trembling in silence. It is perhaps the censored imagery of Misbah Ul Haq, naked, in the streets of Mirpur, screaming into the night for answers, that truly hits home the wake of devastation Kohli has been leaving in his path.

The video though is not without its critics. The ICC themselves are calling it a fluke without actually focusing on the issue at hand. Many supporters of the Kohli 2012 movement are accusing the ICCs lack of support as arrogance about the videos success in introducing cricket to the USA, where it has registered a staggering 1000 hits. And it’s in the US, in the bedrooms of many teenagers, that the video has gotten the most attention. “I know he’s like bad nall, but he’s pretty cute. Bad boys are like so hot” said one teenage girl when asked about her thoughts on Kohli. Many young white boys have adopted Malingas hair do as a sign of solidarity.

Cut to a scene at a rural cricket ground in Sri Lanka where everyone in the team is padded up. There are no bowlers in sight. Teams have had to be disbanded because no one is keen on having a bowl anymore. A startling reminder of Kohlis legacy is captured vividly in a shot which shows a box of brand new red kookaburra balls left aside gathering dust.

The video comes to an end with the narrator trying to explain to his 2 month old baby about what Kohli has done to bowlers in Asia and possibly the world to come. He then sends his son into a room filled with thousands of cricket balls and one bat hidden amongst the pile and asks him to choose. And the scene cuts to black.

The end credits are as follows.

“Please help us in stopping Kohli. You can do this in 3 steps

The power is really with you and your wrist and seam positioning.

Urge your coach to help you bowl Yorkers. And master at least 25 kinds of slower balls, bouncers and length balls.

You can also donate money to help bowlers like Malinga and Riaz through therapy

The time is now.

Actually wait until after England’s tour to India. Make sure you remember that.

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Ivo Bligh maintained many times that the reason for his success in bringing back the 1883 Ashes can be directly atributed to the stopover in Ceylon.

Bligh had been walking the streets of Colombo in search of a Saree for his wife when he stumbled across an old woman selling spices and potions. Bligh requested a portion which would allow him to win back the Ashes. And a handjob.

After losing the first test Bligh decided to use the potion which worked to enlargen his manhood by ten fold.

He used the extra girth to root several wives of high profile Australian players, who later complained to their husbands that they have never been sexually satified as they were by Bligh.

With the Australians demoralised, Bligh won back the Ashes and kept the old woman who sold him the potion as a mistress.

“With the heat and conditions here, it’s really brought home how hard it will be for us in the Test series”.

What a fucking shit hole, why the fuck are we here, why the fuck am I here. This is just gonna be the shittiest tour with dust up my arse crack at the end of every session. I wanna go home

“Sri Lanka are a fairly similar animal”

These browns are all the same to me. I cannot for the life of me figure out why the Empire would have ever wanted to colonise these bunch of goons. One set of goons is good as the other, really. God, I’m over this fucking heat.

“Monty is bowling beautifully at the moment and that bodes well because we need two spinners over here.”

Shittin bricks. Don’t tell me the shiek will get call up after asking me to come out all the way to this fkn dust hole.

“At this point in a tour it’s all about how the ball feels coming out of your hand”

Shittin more bricks. Fkn get me some water already. Oh god more wickets for the Shiek

Of course all this anger eventually culminated to “I wanted to kill Dilruwan Perera”, which is probably the only real thing he’s said all tour.