“Excuse me but….”

So, I opened a can of worms. A really large. Really ugly can of worms. Phone calls were made, messages were sent and my phone didn’t stop buzzing for three whole days. I asked a group of people who’s voices are rarely heard to speak up. To raise themselves above the coffee counters and tequila soaked bars. To make a stand and let the general great unwashed know what is unacceptable when placing an order.

Strap in folks. We’re in for a bumpy ride

Things as a person who works in hospitality I freaking hate:

Clicking your fingersGenuinely. will snap your fingers off

There’s a large group of you. You’ve all ordered drinks. I bring the drink over……..no-one claims itCue blank stares and an awkward silence. Finally someone pipes up, coffee is now cold

Ordering drinks one at a time, finally ending with “Oh. And a pint of Guinness”Seriously

“Is it alright if we just move to that table over there?”No. NO IT’S NOT. It’s never ok

“I couldn’t get in the door”
That’s because we’re shut. The sign says closed, I don’t care if it’s 9.58 with an opening time of 10

Queue…..Queue…….Queue…..”I Still don’t know what I want”
Get out my bar

“I’d like a long island iced tea” Made “and another long island iced tea”I definitely have enough brain cells to make two drinks at once

“Are you serving”…No I’m just making my own mojito…

Working in a gin bar.. “What gin do you have?”..Well I could list the 100+ gins for you but you’re still probably going to pick the house

Table of 20 covers…..”Can we all pay separately?” The worst

Half a shot, decaf, soy latte extra hot…………

Plonking money down on the counterJust bloody rude….and now it’s sticky

“That pint tasted funny”Still drank it didn’t you cheap beggar

“It’s so busy in here today!”It’s bank holiday. Thought you’d be the only one out?

“Could I try the elderflower martini?…….Oh no that’s awful could I have a smirnoff and coke?”I’m wasted in this job. No-one appreciates

“How long does it take to make an omelette?” About four minutes but I also have everyone else’s food to cook too

“Please be careful this plate is very hot”Grab. Pain.I did tell you

Sitting on the only dirty table in the café. Staring expectantly Just leave

“I’m so sorry we’re so late, I know the booking was around an hour ago but we’re here now. We’re also 12 instead of 8, that’s ok right?” No

“Keep the change”Thanks for the 5p. Mate

Children Just children

Could I grab your WIFI Password? Only if you promise not to sit here for the next 8 hours nursing a pot of £1.80 tea furiously demanding more hot water to fill it it. Go write your ‘bestseller’ somewhere else

Carries tray over, customer grabs drink off tray. Drink ends up all over customer. Get off my tray

I’ve been waiting for like 20 minutesWell. You haven’t though. Have you?

If you think of anymore feel free to harass me at erin_lawlor@hotmail.co.uk