Almost 3 years

Well as we reach 3 years since Mikey passed, I still have lots of emotions. I want to say many things to many people but I will keep this as all post in general terms. If this applies to you, you should know it, if it doesn’t you should know that too, and if you are unsure maybe that means you should take a look at what your doing and ask would Mikey do this. I told a little about how when Mikey was asked by a friend to help his mom and host a benefit for his sister who passed. Mikey said yes and changed his tour schedule to be here and host the benefit. So first I would like to say THANKS EVERYONE who has stuck by me and my family, those of you who wish us well, like the posts, support with words of encouragement, buy things from the web pages, those who have gotten tattoo, sent in pictures, made t-shirts, yellow flowers, help with all the stuff, came and boxed up stuff, those of you who continue to listen and support me with all my feelings, ups and downs, those of you who still keep in touch.

As some of you may know but I go to therapy weekly again or now. I did a few times when Mikey first passed but as we both felt I was dealing ok for why I was there I stopped until this past spring. I found myself being very angry at all the things I missed, all the new 1st, dealing with everyone else’s grief, not having anyone but this web place to talk, or vent my feelings. Even on the web sometimes people don’t like the way I feel. Like Mikey said, “These songs ain’t me it’s just the way I feel at a particular moment” As the feelings are not always good or bad they are feelings.

One thing I would love for everyone to try is take just 5 sec (count one mississippi) and think of the person who you are closest to you. Be it a parent, grandparent, sibling, child, friend, spouse, the one person you count on. The one you think to call for good and bad, to tell this or that to, the one who you rely on and them on you. We all have someone, that one we turn to for all things in life good and bad. Now that person is gone. I don’t mean moved away, you fought and don’t talk, or everyone got busy with life. I mean they are gone you can no longer hear their voice but in your head or on video’s, you no longer see them but in your head or pictures, there are no hugs, no laughter, no smiles, no little teasing between the two, no jokes, no help. Just feel that for 5 second. Some of you will emphasize, some will get a deeper understanding, some will be sympathetic and again some will not.

I try hard to keep up with as many comments, emails, letters, phone calls, shows, activities of others, things to keep Mikey’s legacy going, all the positive things that have come out of this tragedy. One of the main constants has been BradyBrody. Mikey picked him to help Mikey with Crushkill and man has he stepped up and done a GREAT job. Even when he may not agree with me he is of the mind of Mikey and just says your his mom ok if that’s what you want. Maxx too has been very “you can do what you want”.

I have as we get closer to that day 3 years ago I find myself doing more things by myself than I would like or ever had to. The construction or deconstruction has been fun but very hard. I have RA and my hands still after almost a week of not holding a hammer are not able to close or make a fist yet, I will soon I hope. I can’t lift things like carpet without help and that’s hard to find. See my dad lets face it is mid to late 70’s, my brother does as much as he can but he too has a life, wife, family and health issues. He has my kidney which is why he is still alive but they don’t last long. On average transplanted kidney last 10 to 12 years, we are working on 13. So when there is a new layer of grief it is hard to work through again and alone.

At Mikey’s funeral one of his first mentors Glo said, “If this doesn’t change you nothing will” My mom really believes that and has sat back and watched as some have changed for the better, some have returned to who there are, some have claimed they can’t change, but a few she made pictures for really stepping up, in her mind and made an effort.

Be patient with me all things will get out, made, thanked, acknowledged, and the world will get better one person at a time.

15 Responses to Almost 3 years

Hello Kathy, I just want you to know, I am an ear, and eye and a supporter of your strong efforts to keep your head held high through this tough obstacle you have had to endure. Although I could never imagine, I have read and imagined as you have asked me to do and it was a harsh rush of feeling for 5 seconds and I admire your strength in maintaining yourself in the grief and difficulty that has overcome you with this time of the year. Keep your strength and let the current carry you with the wind, you’ll get to where you are going eventually, in time and until then, just know a lot of family, friends and fans have you in their thoughts. XO,
~Aspire

I am thankful for your efforts in writing here. Your son was someone I looked up to a lot. He did a lot of the things with his life I dream of doing with my own. His talent and fire was beautiful. I know as a single person across the internet my words here might not do much good – but I have a great compassion for you and your struggle with overwhelming sadness and loss. Im sorry you have had to experience so much pain. No one deserves to go through what you have. I hope these few words from a stranger will help even for a moment. Keep posting. Ill keep reading. I wish you well.

Kathy,
Thank you for writing this. Please do take care of yourself. You do so much to keep us all in the spirit of Mikey. You’re very brave to write the things you write. It’s so much easier to run from pain. Instead you accept it as perfection and keep on existing in the now. And that makes you incredibly strong, and a beautiful person in that way. This post has helped me a lot, not in understanding your specific tragedy as losing a son is a level that my chest grips so tightly in agony at the thought of that I couldn’t last those 5 seconds, but how Mikey said that these songs aren’t him, just how he feels in a particular moment. I spend so much of my time trying to capture me in a song or poem or short story and get frustrated and quit. I’ve lost sight of the fact that I need to capture moments, hints, suggestions, not a whole person, not a whole lifetime, and that translates to every aspect of life. Thank you so much, truly, this means so much to me, and all of us really.
Much love, and utmost respect,
Demi

I have total and complete empathy for you. I had become moved by his words only a few months prior to that day three years ago, and so I was stricken with grief because as an artist he gave me influence to stay me and live on the weird side. In fact, in one of my more recent songs I shouted out with “R EYE P for he taught me how to win the write too think, now I’m put up in charge a higher duty” Meaning thanks to him, may he rest in peace, for teaching me to think for myself at an early age, and with that knowledge I can set out to accomplish bigger goals in this world. So, I would like you to know that he is one of the only people who I look up to due to the impact his words had on me, and most importantly stay strong!

Ive been listening to his songs all day and have not been able to Get him off my mind and how much I wish I coudlve met this beautiful Man and reading this I know Why he was special because you are a smart beautiful special woman I am very sorry for your loss and thank you for your kind words Mikey was truly magical and his songs are so deep and beautiful and you are a strong woman

Thank you
With lots of love and hugs from California

I hope to see more posts from you,they are moving,people dont realize how things can change so quickly from one minute to the next and take their Loved ones the ones that matter most for granted we dont have as much time as we think and we need to learn to cherish our time and families so once again thank you and much love!!!!!!

I’ve only ever been lucky enough to have micheal’s unmatchably wise words ring through my ears a handful of times. He was and always will be one of the greatest of all times. His insight far surpasses all and I could only dream of hold one shred of his genius. I was driving down this dark and rainy road last week in complete silence when I was struck once again with the in curable sadness over the loss of Michael and it didn’t hit me til last night that thatwas the night he passed. Made me feel as if he’s still here making his existence known and I know ill never get over loosing him. I could never begin to imagine how his passing must impact you everyday. Guess he was just too great for this world.

I didn’t get a chance to order the collection of poems and journal pages you put out years ago. Will there be anymore circulating in the future? I would seriously love to have one or all of the collections.

You are such a great mother and just a wonderful person miss Kathy, over the past few years I have found your words very inspirational and up lifting, I believe Behind every grèat and loving person is a family and people that believed in them and loved them no matter what, your son was blessed to have had you and your family there to do just that. Although I did not know your boy personally the few times I spoke with him at shows it was awesome. To talk to someone your a big fan of like that I mean he took the time to stop and talk and ask about my city (Pittsburgh ) and everything , but the thing that I loved about the few times we spoke was that you could tell he actually cared about what I had to say, , I pretty much just wanted to thank you for your words over the past few years, I know this time of the year may be hard for you so I wish you and yours all the best and hope all is well, Take it easy and thank you,

I admire your strength. Carrying your son’s legacy on the way you do. I don’t know I would survive the death of my son. My youngest son (Savage) turned me on to your son’s music. It spoke to my soul in a way not many artists have been able to. Although I enjoy most all of his work, I have to tell you, “Smile” gets played by me sometimes 5 or 6 times a day! It’s often the only thing that keeps me out of a fetal position and keeps me going. My deepest sorrows for your loss. You are one hell of a woman to have raised a son like Michael. Know that he beams with pride as he goes through the rest of your life with you, unseen but by your side.
Respectfully,
Michele Goodrich

I would just like to let you know how much of an impact your son had on my life. He’s the only person who has ever put how I feel into words so sophisticated. Everyday I wish I had the chance to know him personally and everyday I mourn over the tragedy that struck your family. Your son is and always will be my greatest inspiration. I feel like we all lost a genius, but he’s so much more than that. I think of Mikey (my name too) as a teacher, as he has taught me that it is OK to feel the ways I do sometimes. Your son is, and always will be, an inspiration to so many. I care about him and his art so much, it is a haunting thought knowing he was taken prematurely, I can only imagine the demons you fight. I like to think that the god(s) needed inspiration so they picked him to join them.