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> Oracle of wondrous power and stability,>> Will you please tell me why it is that when I plan vacation time to do> improvements on the home, that it ALWAYS turns madingly hot and humid?> (also as a sidelight, could you please do something about it just for> me... I'd like the remainder of the week to be just a little more> comfortable... I really need to get this stuff done)

} Most of your hominid brethren are merely pathetic when they pick up a} tool and try to improve their sad little shanties. A few actually are} capable of doing solid, respectable work. But then there's you.}} You are so inept with tools that you threaten the very structure of the} universe. Others nail things together slightly crooked. You manage to} make bizarre angles that exert severe strain on the gravimetric lines} of force that hold stars and planets in their place. Others slip and} drill holes where they didn't intend them. You plough away with such} zeal that you stir up tiny eddys in the fabric of reality, little black} holes that float about, wreaking havoc.}} In short, you are a cosmic menace. And this is not news to the powers} that be.}} The universe, just like your grotty little carcass, has an immune} system. It senses dangerous infections and responds. And whenever you} leave your house with tools in hand, my little disaster area, the} universe contracts a fever.}} Take the hint, eh? It's been a while since a *really* big asteroid hit} the Earth. You don't want to give any cosmic entities the idea that} it's time for another >Aspirin<, now do you?}} You owe the Oracle vinyl siding for his temple. No, I insist that you} pay to have someone else install it.

> "You are old, Mr. Oracle," the Supplicant said,> "And your hair has become very white;> And yet you incessantly stand on your head--> Do you think, at your age, it is right?">> "In my youth," the Oracle replied to B1FF,> "I feared it might injure the brain.> But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,> Why, I do it again and again.">> "You are old," said B1FF, "as I mentioned before,> And have grown most uncommonly fat;> Yet you turned a back-somersault at the door.> Are you a lemur? How'd you do that?">> "In my youth," said the Oracle, as he shook his grey locks,> "I kept all my limbs very supple> By the use of this ointment--two shillings a box.> Allow me to sell you a couple?">> "You are old," said B1FF, "and your jaws are too weak> For anything tougher than suet;> Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak--> Pray, how did you manage to do it?">> "In my youth," said the Oracle, "I took to the law,"> And argued with Lisa, my wife;> And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,> Has lasted the rest of my life.">> "You are old," said B1FF, "one would hardly suppose> That your eye was as steady as ever;> Yet you balanced a woodchuck on the end of your nose--> What made you so awfully clever?">> "I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"> Said the Oracle; "don't give yourself airs!"> Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?> Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!"

} 'You are bold, Supplicant,' the Oracle said,} 'You labour through day and through night} 'To paraphrase familiar poems by Lear;} 'Tell me, do you think that is quite right?'}} 'You're old hat, Oracle,' the Supplicant said,} 'Your answers are really a bore;} 'The strength of my question alone will make this} 'Oracularity nine-nineteen-four.'}} 'Don't count on it, B1FF,' the Oracle said,} 'You don't know what this Orrie's got;} 'He's got what it takes, and you're no great shakes,} 'So to thee, I say "begone!", and ZOT!'}} You owe the Oracle a lettuce, o let us, o lettuce leaf.

> Dear Oracle,>> I have been kidnapped by aliens. Thankfully, they are friendly, and> are allowing me to use their e-mail. However, After some of the> injections they gave me, I can now see through time. Is this a bad> thing?

} Of course it's a good thing; isn't it wonderful? If you're polite,} they'll also give you the injections that let you see through parsley,} sage, and rosemary.}} You owe the Oracle the head of Art Garfunkel.

> Then along that riverbank> A thousand miles> Tattooed cannibals danced in files;> Then I heard the boom of the blood-lust song> And a thigh-bone beating on a tin-pan gong.> And "BLOOD" screamed the whistles and fifes of the warriors,> "BLOOD" screamed the skull-faced, lean witch-doctors,> "Whirl ye the deadly voo-doo rattle,> Harry the uplands,> Steal all the cattle.> Rattle-rattle, rattle-rattle,> Bing.> Boomlay, boomlay, boomlay, BOOM."> A roaring epic, the rag-time tune> From the mouth of the Congo> To the Mountains of the Moon.> Death is an elephant,> Torch-eyed and horrible,> Foam-flanked and terrible.> BOOM, kill the Pygmies,> BOOM, kill the Arabs,> BOOM, kill the white men.> Hoo, Hoo, Hoo.

} Whoa there, Billy Blake.}} I think you need to listen again. Those "warriors" and "witch doctors"} were screaming "Bud," not "BLOOD."}} Here's the rest of the ad:}} "Whirl we the deadly Spuds McKenzie} Sell to the kiddies} with a big frog frenzy} Rattle, rattle, long-neck bottle,} Bing.} Anheuser, Anheuser, Anheuser, BUSCH} A tasteless beverage, we sell to you} From the mouth of the Congo} to the Mountains of the Moon} Flat as an envelope} pasteurized and horrible} foam-topped and terrible} BUD! Kill the Pilsners} BUD! Kill the Ales} BUD! Kill the Weissens} Hoo, hoo, hoo

} TWELFTH CASE OF "MAD SUPPLICANT DISEASE"} Scientists, Priests Baffled At Spread Of Mysterious Virus}} Bloomington, Indiana (AP) -- Health officials seem stunned and} frightened at the continuing spread of "mad supplicant disease" on} the campus of Indiana University. Today marked the twelfth case of} the disorder, which bears the scientific name Bovine Stupidascii} Expulsion (BSE).}} "We're very, very concerned about this," said campus BSE specialist} Stephen Kinzler from his eighteenth-floor office in Lisa Tower, IU's} newest faculty building. "Not since the historical 1994 outbreak of} CLFS - Chronic Lemur FAQ Syndrome - has so much annoyance} been sent so quicky to the Internet Oracle."}} Symptoms of BSE include the creation of ASCII cows, sending of empty} email, writing bad "fake" versions of well-known poems by} William Blake or Emily Dickinson, and questions about the} wood-throwing capacity of certain rodents. Although most medical} experts agree the condition is incurable, Kinzler holds out hope.}} "The Internet Oracle - the well-known dispenser of omniscient wisdom} and cheerful good humor - has reported good results with shock} therapy, using his proprietary 'Staff of Zot'," Kinzler claims. "We} would need to conduct further studies, under laboratory conditions,} but anecdotal evidence does seem to indicate that several} applications, or 'zots', might help reverse the infection."}} The Oracle, whose wisdom is available on the World Wide Web at} oracle@cs.indiana.edu, declined to comment.

> Oh Oracle most spiff, who could zot a zebra if he felt so inclined, who> possesses enough restraint as to refrain from erasing lemurs from all> existance and recent memory....>> I had a vision the other night and wish your interpretation. I've> heard you dabble in such interpreting and want your expert opinion.>> I saw you at a party. I couldn't tell exactly where, but it looked> like it might have been at a zoo woodchuck-burning party. You were> with Zadoc, Lisa, Darkmage, all the chums. All of you were really> drunk, and Zadoc was on the ground passed out with a bottle of Dewar's> in his hand. The rest of you had glasses of champagne. Suddenly, all> started counting down together...>> 10...> 9...> 8...> 7...> 6...> 5...> 4...> 3...> 2...> 1...> 2000!!>> Now, I know enough that if you count down from 10 to 1, after one does> not come 2000, so I would gather that this is some kind of metaphor?> Anyway, when you reached 2000, strange things began to happen. The> zoo's computer complex exploded abruptly (it was in vision at the top of> a hill). Sirens went off saying "Windows has reached a fatal error at> E00T:23491. Date does not exist.) All the cages came open and> woodchucks ran amok among the group.> Suddenly, a rumble was heard. Above the hill appeared a GIANT> WOODCHUCK with fangs the size of lemurs. A scary sight indeed. All> screamed, and Zadoc, still on the ground passed out, sucked his thumb.> The GIANT WOODCHUCK walked toward you (the Oracle), and picked you up> between his (I saw, it was a he) second and third fingers (paws?> appendages?) and as soon as he picked you up off the ground, you both> disappeared. I woke up in a cold shiver.>> Now, oh Oracle most worthy and good-looking, what does this mean?

> Oh innumerably gifted one, most omniscient one, omnipotent one,> omni...omni one, whom this ignorant hominid, barely capable of counting> up to twenty, and this only thanks to and with the help of the abundant> number of protrusions at the end of its four (?) limbs, is unworthy> of addressing in the first place, please answer this question:>> What happens when spam gets sent to oracle@cs.indiana.edu?

} Well, it depends on the kind of spam. On the Biblical philosophy} (which I invented, by the way) of "an eye for an eye, a tooth for a} tooth," I have designed an automated system which replies to spam sent} to my address with appropriate retaliation. The system is too robust} to describe briefly, but here are some examples:}} SPAM YOU SEND ME YOUR RESPONSE}} "MAKE MONEY FAST" or All banks in which you have money} any pyramid scheme collapse; all of your stocks plummet.}} "Luck" chain letter You slip on a waxed floor and break one bone} for each forwarding address on the letter.}} "Sex" chain letter You are suddenly hit with a sexual} harrassment lawsuit with one plaintiff for} each forwarding address on the letter.}} Chain letter for The garbage collectors mysteriously} Craig Shergold stop picking up your trash.}} Mrs. Fields' Every charge on your next credit card statement} cookie recipe has the decimal shifted one to the right.}} Petitions where the Your name is placed on every junk-mailing list} 25th signer must in the country. You are subscribed to all} send a copy to the existing magazines by the "bill me later" option.} bad guys}} Addition to a mailing The US Postal Service returns all mail} list to which I sent to you to the sender. When you} didn't subcribe complain, their records show nothing wrong.}} Scores of ASCII Your home begins mysteriously smelling of} pictures of cows dung. Nobody can figure out why.}} Pictures of In a rare use of eminent domain, the government} cans of SPAM repossesses all of your property and gives it to} pig farmers as part of a pork subsidy package.} Nobody notices.}} Green card offers Your citizenship is revoked, and you are} deported before you can complain.}} Any spam with "tell The IRS starts auditing you every year. Jehovah's} me" or "tellme" in Witnesses and Mormons show up at your door day} the Subject heading after day. Your hubcaps are stolen. A leopard} escapes from the local zoo and roams your} neighborhood. Pizzas and chinese food which you} did not order are delivered to your door. The} power company cancels your service. You discover} that your home has termites. The state begins to} build a correctional facility next door. You} lose your sense of smell. Your job is downsized.} You develop leprosy.}} You owe the Oracle a chain letter campaign telling everybody on the} Internet not to mess with me.

} A is for Absolut, the Vodka I drink.} B is for bubbles, the ones in the sink.} C is for cat, the one with the hair.} D is for dander, the stuff in the air.} E is for error, those damned messages.} F is for fault, yours, not MS's.} G is for graffito, the singular of graffiti.} H is for hot, which it is in Tahiti.} I is for invite, that is, "Come on over."} J is for jagged, like the white cliffs of Dover.} K is for loser, so deep in debt.} L is for Lemur, Joel Furr's favorite pet.} M is for Mafia, who gave you some loans.} N is for Nick, who will now break your bones.} O is for "ouch," which you will say.} P is for pain, Nick gives for no-pay.} Q is for quick, I am so you said.} R is for reading my dictionary in dread.} S is for stuck, I get time to time.} T is for tenuous, like many a rhyme.} U is for ululate, a really fun word.} V is for vocalize, loudly, I heard.} W is for watching, us from the sky.} X is for xenophobe, those aliens must die} Y is for yikes, I am almost done.} Z is for nothing, 'cause it's the last one.

} ...C'est Magnifi-que!} When supplicants whine,} I zot 'em, then feel fine,} Oooh-la-lahhh.... Ces't Magnifi-que!"} - from Cole Porter's _Can Can_}} HI! I'm the Internet Oracle! And right now, for a limited time only,} you can receive through this special TV offer:}} The Oracle Does Broadway!}} That's right! You can hear me, Orrie, sing your favorite Broadway songs} in my own inimitable style! Just listen to these:}} ------------------------------------------------------------------------} from _Les Miserables_:}} "One day more...} Another supplicant is questioning,} But they forgot to do their grovelling...} If Zadoc lets their questions through} I guess I'll have to ZOT him too...} One day more..."}} from _Cats_:}} "Memory,} All alone at the terminal,} I can smile at the old days,} There were no woodchucks then..."}} from _Guys and Dolls_:}} "I got the question, sir,} It's from that guy, Joel Furr,} Asking 'What should I feed to my new lemur?'} ZOT! (Ouch!)} ZOT! (Ouch!)..."}} from _A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum_:}} "Something familiar, something peculiar,} Something for everyone,} Oracularities!} Questions with woodchucks, written by dumb schmucks,} Something for everyone,} Oracularities!"}} from _West Side Story_:}} "My Lisa! I just caught a glimpse of my Lisa!} She's rarin' and she's ready!} She's got her leather teddy} on...."}} from _Evita_:}} "Don't cry for me, Stephen Kinzler.} The truth is, I never liked you..."}} ------------------------------------------------------------------------} ....And many, many more!}} Order now, through this special TV offer, and you'll also receive} Kirsten and Maurice Chevalier singing "Thank Heaven for Little Girls"!}} Get your copy today! Or I might just have to...}} "Send in the clowns...} There have to be clowns...} ...don't bother.... they're here."}} You owe the Oracle _The Compleat Zamfir_.