I think I hate you
Maverick Entertainment. I don’t hate you because you
have chosen to distribute ‘The Watermelon Heist’, surely
on the five worst movies I’ve ever seen and quite
possibly THE most offensive movie I have ever seen. No,
anybody could have picked up this trash so I don’t blame
you for making it or releasing it. What I hate you for
is making me sit through the trailers that kick of this
DVD feature with absolutely NO WAY of skipping them or
even fast forwarding through them. How in the HELL did
you clowns find a way to disable my remote control?
Because this movie was so gawdawful, it took me three
days to watch it and each time I turned on my DVD player
I had to sit through the extra long, extended trailer
versions of ‘Da Block Party’ and ‘The Bahama Hustle’,
two movies that I swear to you I’m never going to rent
simply because I was FORCED to watch these trailers just
to get to this awful, awful movie. Damn you Maverick,
damn you.

John Amos stars in this
minor disaster as Old Man Amos. You may ask yourself, is
Big John getting so old that the characters he plays
have to have his own name or he won’t respond to his
lines? No sir, this is based on a ‘true story’ in the
Amos family lexicon so Mr. Amos I believe is playing his
grandfather. Regardless Old Man Amos is a hard working
man who unfortunately lives next door to the Browns who
are the antithesis of hard work as they sit in the front
lawn and only check their mailboxes on the 1st and 15th
of each month. The Browns are led by Nicodemus (Corey
Holcomb) who has shortened his name to Nica, but
actually prefers to be called ‘Nigga’. Yes, Nigga Brown,
and he’s pretty damned insistent that folks call him
that. The other members of the brown family are Numbers
who talks in numbers, Horny who’s horny all the time and
likes to hump the dirt, cars and lawn mowers, Whitey who
thinks he’s white – hopefully this isn’t getting to
complex - and twins Mercedes and Caprice. I should
mention that part of the humor is that they don’t look
anything alike. Mercedes, the back twin, is tall and has
a big ‘ol butt, thus the term ‘back’, while Caprice the
front twin is short and fair with a big ‘ol set of
boobies.

Anyway apparently they
haven’t paid property taxes in forty years and have
received a notice that they owe 10,000 dollars in back
taxes, which comes out to like 250 dollars a year in
property taxes, which ain’t so bad, but they’re still
getting thrown out of the house to Old Man Amos infinite
delight. Nigga – I gotta call the man what he wants to
be called – has determined it’s time for the family to
get jobs so they move to the city to hang out with their
pimpified cousin Junebug (Vincent Cook) and get jobs as
dancing chickens. Please don’t ask me to explain.
Unfortunately the Dancing Chickens get thrown in jail,
for more reasons I also don’t care to explain, and
realize they just aren’t going to make the needed funds.
About an hour in to this movie I’m wondering where in
the hell are the watermelons? Oh, finally some
watermelons. Little did I know, Old Man Amos is a
watermelon deliverer or something and there is a hair
care company holding a contest in which whomever submits
the nicest watermelon wins 25 thousand dollars – I kid
you not. This will lead to the Browns needing to steal a
championship pedigree watermelon from Old Man Amos, who
they think is responsible for them not getting a
property tax notice in 40 years anyway, so they can win
the watermelon loot and save their home.

One of the problems I
usually have with some of these low budget black themed
flicks is far to often the technical values are just
rock bottom with bad sound, bad lighting, horrible
acting, people on the box cover who aren’t in the flick
– you name it. None of that was an issue with ‘The
Watermelon Heist’ my friends. Nope… I could see… and
hear… EVERYTHING. I could hear Nigga Brown force some
poor white clerk to repeatedly yell out the word Nigger,
I could see Nigga Brown piss on his grass and call
himself watering it. I hear the Browns tell Old Man Amos
to take his ‘Kunte Kinte Ass’ back to sleep before they
take an axe and cut his foot in half. Of course John
Amos played Kunte Kinte in ‘Roots’ and had his foot cut
in half. HAR HAR HAR! I also got hear John Amos say
‘Dy-No-Mite!’. Mind you, it is said that the man
left ‘Good Times’ because of Jimmy Walker, and we also
got to hear the Browns chant in unison ‘Damn, Damn
Damn!’ which we all know what that represents. If you
don’t, I can’t help you. There was so much low brow
offensive ‘humor’ in this flick that is was staggering.
I think director K.C. Amos, Big John’s baby boy, was
going for satire here, but Good Lord did the brother
miss the mark.

The only thing halfway
watchable in this earthquake were the twins played by
Shondrella Akesan and Monica Collier because they were
good looking and they played off each other quite well.
Otherwise, there is NOTHING to recommend here as the low
brow humor didn’t even manage to be funny. What could be
worse than watching offensive comedy, made by your own,
that ain’t funny?

I admire John Amos for
trying to help his son out so that he could get his
movie released and get a leg up in the biz, but your
debt is PAID IN FULL Mr. Amos, for real. You don’t owe
your baby boy nothing else. K.C. can’t EVER say, ‘You
never did nothing for me Dad’, because you have made
close to the ultimate sacrifice for your child. And
though we don’t know the boy, me and anybody else who
have seen ‘The Watermelon Heist’ have made some
considerable sacrifices as well. Believe that.