Wednesday, April 29, 2015

CAPTAIN PLANET RECAP: Episode Three

Blah blah five magic rings, blah blah five special young people. Blah blah Gaia lazy as fuck. Blah blah Earth's greatest champion Captain Planet. Let's get to it. Hopefully this one is more like Episode Two and less like Episode One.

A random Asian villager is leading a buffalo through woods. What for? Who the fuck knows. This show is the absolute best at giving no background or explanation to fucking anything. And just as I'm thinking that, a fucking dragon beast starts tearing up the woods. Okay WTF? It's a literal dragon. It breathes fire and shit. I'm betting this turns out to be some sort of robot, but it looks NOTHING like one. It looks and moves like no giant robot dragon could ever move and look. So either it's a terrible nonsensical machine, or its a fucking dragon in a show that's supposed to be about down to Earth saving the actual planet. The villager gets away, because obviously this show can't show people dying as much as I cross my fingers for it.

A fucking dragon beast. Because realism.

"What could be causing this destruction Gaia?"

"YOU must find the answer to this question, Planeteers". Gaia responds, ever so predictably. The 'I've got some serious boozing to do' is left off. So she actually knows what's really happening but she wont tell the Planeteers? She truly is an epic bitch from deep in the heart of 'Nam.

Gi has a friend in Thailand apparently. They go visit him and he tells them about the dragon beast. I am still agape at this whole development. It's destroying the crops for God's sake! OH THE HUMANITY! OH BUT WAIT. We zoom out. There are two familiar faces watching and listening in! We cut away to our...

ECO SUPER VILLAIN OF THE WEEEEEEEK!

Wait. It's fucking Hoggish Greedly. Again. They're recycling villains already?! Fuck this is going to be a long goddamn season. So it seems that this time his porky plan is to spook the villagers with the dragon beast so that they leave, then he's going to fucking strip mine the place for rubies. Pretty caring plan if you ask me. If he was really evil he'd just murderise them all. The dragon beast attacks the Planeteers. I'm still baffled by all of this. Gi tried to put out the fire but she fails. Kwame does the same and fails. CALL CAPTAIN PLANET YOU MORONS! Oh wait... they actually do. They call Captain Planet. Well, shut me up.

Captain Planet dives into a river, proclaiming "What's a nice guy like me doing in a DIVE like this?" Oh Captain Planet. You're the wittiest witbag who ever witted. He redirects the river and solves the forest fire, draining the existing river and no doubt killing thousands of fish. Eco warrior indeed. So this shit seems to be solved and we're only 10 minutes in! Maybe we're going be spared the next half! But NO! No such luck!

Wheeler hits on Linka in the dark woods, because it wouldnt be an episode of Captain Planet if we didn't have some sexual harrassment by the eco warriors. All of a sudden, Wheeler is cock blocked by the dragon beast. Wheeler - "Let me show you what we do to evil spirits where I come from." Wait, New York City has a policy on dealing with evil spirits that involves magic rings with the power of fire? That must be pretty deep in the city's records. Wheeler uses fire on the dragon who breathes fire, who ever so shockingly turns out to be fireproof. WHODA THUNK IT. You know, this show is making it so damn incredibly hard to cheer for its protagonists who include whiny fuckwit Ma-Ti and sexual harrassment Wheeler with a side of INCOMPETENT MORONS.

So, Hoggish Greedly has a pink plane with a pig snout. It does nothing to endear him to me. It picks up the dragon beast and Wheeler. Hey look at that, the dragon beast is actually a strip mining machine. So I was right after all. Probably best if we ask minimal questions about this because I think my cerebellum would disintegrate if I did so. Ma-Ti tries to sense where Wheeler is BUT EVIL THOUGHTS BLOCK HIS VISION. LoL Heart Ring.

Trolling Ma-Ti Count: Four.

Greedly sends out the baffling dragon beast robot to fight the Planeteers. To nobody's surprise, Wheeler gets rescued and sneaks off yadda yadda kindergarten plot. Gi washes Greedly away in a flood of water. Captain Planet gets a second summoning in one episode and traps the dragon beast in some vines. "I'm feeling VINE how about you?" he says. Lucky there isnt a loaded gun present or I would fear for my own continued existence on this planet.

Greedly pulls himself out of the river and runs away. You know, these eco villains sure aren't facing any real justice. They're just allowed to leave with no real consequences. Which is funny, but at the same time terrible cause it no doubt means more Greedly episodes in the future.

Episode Three Pollute-O-Meter: This episode sucked a giant fat ecological dong. Seriously, it was horrible. Nothing made sense, Greedly sucked, and the Planeteers made me want to dig my eyes out with a spoon. Please, if we're recycling villains, let there be some Verminous Skumm next episode.