King of the zombies

By Greg Wallace

What would you and your loved ones do in case of an emergency? Most families discuss what would happen if their house caught on fire or if a tornado caused damage to the structure. They figure out what courses of action need to be taken to get everyone out of the structure as safely as possible and how to alert the appropriate authorities. They determine a meeting place for everyone to gather after they have left the building. This is what most families discuss. My family talks about what would happen in the eventuality of a zombie apocalypse.

My son recently got my wife hooked on the AMC television program “The Walking Dead.” Since my wife got hooked on it, that means I have to get hooked on it too. (In that sense, it’s pretty much like “The Bachelor” or “Dancing With The Stars.” Except with walking corpses.) If you’re not familiar with this show, I’m in the same boat as you. I have seen parts of a couple of episodes, so I’ll try to clue you in with a highly-detailed description of what’s going on.

On the show, the world has been overrun by flesh-eating zombies. That’s pretty much it. There are the live people and the zombies who are chasing them around trying to eat them. And apparently, if you get bitten or scratched by a zombie, you get the utter joy of turning into one of the undead yourself.

So as a public service, I would like to share some of the thoughts that my family has come up with — if and when the zombie apocalypse comes to fruition. You never know, it might just help you out.

It appears to me that zombies aren’t very bright. They just walk around all day and night, with a blank look on their sallow faces, hoping to bump into some human and/or animal flesh to snack on. That’s all they do. If you put a zombie in a room with a closed door, he would just walk around in that room, aimlessly wandering back and forth. Just like I do when I can’t find the remote.

Zombies look like they are relatively slow. However, what they lack in speed, they more than make up for in persistence. You knock a zombie down, and they’ll get right back up. Knock them down again, and they’ll get right back up again. Zombies, by nature, would make excellent Chicago Cub fans.

Zombies like to move in a straight line. If one of them starts chasing you, get away in a zig-zaggy fashion or run a round a tree a few times. They should trip over their own two feet, and that should give you a chance to get away. (Wow! Maybe it’s more like “Dancing With The Stars” than I thought!)

Zombies aren’t good jumpers. No vertical leap whatsoever. If you are picking people to play on a basketball team, and it comes down to a choice between a short guy and a tall zombie, always take the short guy. Every team needs a ball-handler.

It doesn’t look like they climb very well. Like I said before, zombies like to walk, preferably on relatively flat ground without any impediments. A ladder with one rung missing is the zombie’s natural enemy.

I’m not sure if zombies can swim or not. The show hasn’t gotten into that yet. Even if they can’t, I guess they can just walk along the bottom of a river, lake or ocean until they get to the other side. Think about that the next time you’re fishing for carp or catfish and your bobber goes under.

Don’t shower, bathe or smell good in any way, shape and/or form. From what I can tell, the smell is how zombies know if you’re alive or dead. They like to eat the live stuff. I plan on making a shirt out the insoles of my old sneakers. As long as I don’t become asphyxiated from shoe stench, I should be safe.

On a more positive note, some of my past clothing decisions will apparently be coming back into vogue. Zombies wear a lot of torn and ripped stuff. Plaid and denim seem to always be in fashion. And apparently stains aren’t a big deal either. That T-shirt that I’ve worn sparingly since “The Great Spaghetti Fiasco of 2007” will be put back into my regular rotation. The zombies might just accept me as their king.

So, to sum up my family’s highly scientific findings, the best way to survive any future zombie apocalypse will be in a two-story houseboat, in the middle of a 30-foot deep lake, while wearing stinky shoe insoles. And if all that fails. poke something sharp in their brain. They don’t like that.

Just so you know, I was standing in line at a cash register check out line yesterday afternoon. I looked around at some of the people surrounding me. By the empty look in their eyes, I think the zombies might already be here. Luckily, my armpits held them at bay.

The zombies are coming. Consider yourself warned.

Their king has spoken.

You can contact Wallace at gwallace@bcrnews.com. You can follow him on his blog at http://gregwallaceink.blogspot.com.