The officials have completely lost control of the Giants/Rams game. After Odell Beckham scored an early TD and got a taunting penalty for his celebration, the Rams went full force after him and after a few minor scuffles (Including Josh Brown kicking a Rams player in the face after a kickoff) we had a full blown fight complete with 4 ejections after a dirty hit by Alec Ogletree on Beckham. Beckham caught a short pass and made his way towards the sideline, and Alec Ogletree pushed him out, then tackled him out of bounds, a clear foul. Beckham retaliated by throwing the ball in Ogletree’s face, Ogletree then shoved Beckham back into the turf by his face, and Odell finished with a sweep kick on Ogletree’s leg. A few players got in to break it up but it was too late, all hell broke loose. Punches were thrown, helmets came off, and reporters were caught in the scuffle. At the end of everything neither Ogletree nor Beckham got ejected, but Demontre Moore, Jonathan Hankins, Preston Parker, and William Hayes all got kicked out. There were about 20 billion penalties, and at the end of it all the Giants were given 1st and 25.

Lost in all the kerfuffle is the cameraman who got owned during the initial tackle.

The Rams are the most penalized team in the league, which isn’t a surprise coming from a team run by notorious jerk Jeff Fisher and other notorious defensive coordinator Gregg Williams. Brian Schottenheimer might be a jerk too, I don’t know. Let’s hope the second half is less of a free for all.

FCC rules allow websites to run a finite number of sad Raiders fans photos per year so here's a different option.

College football has its polls. Other sites have their power rankings. But at KSK, we like when people suffer; it brings them down to our level. With the regular season almost done, it’s time to check in and see how things are shaking out.

Before we get to this week’s rankings, it’s important to remind readers, as a Public Service Announcement, of the absolutely wretched games approaching in the final four weeks of the season. There are some other bad games, but none plumb the depths of these. More on some of these below but, really, every second on earth is precious and I’d be better off masturbating again than dwelling on some of these match-ups.

Your Sad Six
1. Oakland Raiders (1-11)
Oh, Oakland. Bless your heart. Coming off a whirlwind of jubilation from that first win of the season, the Thursday Night upset over Kansas City, you lay a historic egg: your biggest loss in over 50 years in getting absolutely waxed by the Rams. THE RAMS! THE BEST 5-7 TEAM IN THE LEAGUE. This is the worst team in the league, hands down. They will likely finish 1-15 and then be faced with several options in the draft that they will then fuck up royally. It’s a cycle of sadness that will be hard to break.

2. New York Jets (2-10)

3. London Jags (2-10)
The Jags win a game! The Jags win a game! Bortles is the FUTURE! Congrats on the likelihood of not being the absolute worst team in the league this season! Heck, when one more game, and you could be all the way to, like, third or fourth worse! Mediocrity is exactly what London deserves in a football team after exporting Russell Brand.

4. Tennessee Titans (2-10)
I keep getting this team confused with the University of Tennessee. I think I have it down: one shitty team is in bright orange, the other shitty team is in powder blue. But it’s hard to tell them apart otherwise. The Titans take on the Jags in Week 15 in a game that should be played at the fiery center of the sun so that no one can look directly at it or risk permanent blindness.

5. Washington Fightin’ Snyders (3-9)
You think you have a QB controversy, Cleveland? The fans of the Fightin’ Snyders SCOFF AT YOU. Washington is a shit show. In fact, that’s a great new name. The Washington Snyder Shitshows. It’s true, it has a deep history of connotation with the team, and it’ll probably offend some people. Perfect! No, really, no one knows what the hell to make of this team.

6. New York Giants (3-9)
The worst part of being a football fan in New York? Jets fans can’t even jump ship to the STD gumbo that is the Giants. I mean, as bad as the Jets are – and they are within whiffing distance of No. 1 – they haven’t blown a 21-0 lead to Jacksonville. Not that we can really compare a shit pile and a turd ball but, there ya go. That’s seven straight losses for the Giants, if you’re the type who keeps count. Sure, most of those losses came to good teams – Philly, Dallas, Seattle – but you’ve got the loser ball rolling now, Eli. Philly (again) awaits as does St. Louis; even the “easy” games left (Washington, Tennessee) are going to be tough. Seriously, though, how much is that Titans-Giants game going to blow? This is where the NFL really could curry favor by offering fans in these markets a free week of Sunday Ticket somehow.

Really excited to see Eve 6 in concert on New Year’s Eve
Chicago Bears (5-7)
It’s not so much the record as it is the listless nature of the team, showing an ability to stand tall against an okay team one week and then getting pistol-whipped on national television another week. They’re the sad mopes of the NFL, both figuratively and literally. With Dallas, New Orleans, and Detroit on the slate the next few weeks, it’s impossible to know what this team will do but rest assured it will be a complete bumblefuck that will give Bears fans aneurysms for days. But, hey, at least that legendary coaching figure is a source of sound, sane stability, right?

Lighting a tire fire to stay warm
The entire NFC South (15-32-1)
Seriously. This division is going to send a team to the playoffs because it has to. Tampa Bay is 2-10 and yet still mathematically alive for the division title. Still, it’s going to come down to either Atlanta or New Orleans and the Saints (yeah, I’m biased) have the easier schedule: CAR, @CHI, ATL, @TB whereas Atlanta starts the final stretch @GB, PIT, @NO, CAR. A final record of 8-8 is very much in play for the Saints and given that the league has a pretty healthy history of 8-8 teams getting in to the post-season, we can breath a sigh of relief. Then again, this is the NFC South and we could very well have two 5-9 teams playing for the division in New Orleans on December 21. Whatever the case, this is going to be really funny when the division winner hosts and upsets Dallas in the Wild Card round.

Special Dumped-by-Tom-Brady-while-pregnant Heartbreak Category
Cleveland Browns (7-5)
How can a team have their best season in several years and yet their playoff chances are slim but not slim enough to settle a QB question? Because that team is the Browns. Don’t think you’re slipping off the scale that easily. The Hoyer-vs-Manziel question reached LOL levels after Sunday’s loss in Buffalo and the decision to start Hoyer even as ESPN used this as their capsule for the Browns in this week’s power rankings.

The Browns have three tough games (Indy, CIN, BAL) and one game that should be easy but who knows (CAR). Really, in the long-term, finishing at 8-8 would, in Browns term, be a success even if it means missing the playoffs (which it probably will). There are six teams at 7-5 and one at 6-6; getting to the playoffs will be tough, but not out of the question. Problem is, this is Cleveland, and getting your hopes up this close to the long, cold, dark winter is a very dangerous game to play.

Hello Darkness my old friend
I’ve come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
of Calvin catching our D sleeping
and that vision that was planted in my brain
still remains
Within the suck of Giants

The Giants entered the game against the Lions with numerous questions. Would the upgraded secondary be able to hold back Megatron? Would the offensive line hold up? Would Eli and his WRs get on the same page? Would Tom Coughlin blow a fuse?

The answer was a resounding no. Even Coughlin just kind of looked stunned, like someone kicked his puppy and all he could wonder was why. Looks like the Giants are still bad and there will be no rest for my weary liver this season. But, even with the sadness and spectacular failure on display, we got Eli on camera saying “fudge”. Except he didn’t say “fudge”. Eli said a bad no no word. Archie is going to be so mad. Olivia has already set up the timeout chair, now Eli has to stay in the backroom with creepy Cooper while Peyton eats at the table again. Such a waste. On the plus side Eli already has 2 picks, only 26 to go to top his previous record. With the Cardinals next week things should get fun really soon. In the meantime me and the rest of my Giants fan brethern can console ourselves with more whisky and Johnny Cash/NIN

I hurt myself today
Pain the Giants make me feel
I focus on that pain
our worst case is real
The offense is a hole
that old familiar sting
try to kill it with whisky
but I remember everything

What have we become
can we not mend
Every Eli throw
Becomes a pick
in the end

We used to have it all
now our team is dirt
they just let me down
they just make me hurt

Holy shit, what is this? Are you serious McDonald’s? There are roughly 75 barbecue joints within a two mile radius of everyone here in Kansas City, and you really felt the need to roll this out? Don’t you know my arteries are already clogged with rally sauce? It sure does look awesome though, doesn’t it? Should one person eat the entire thing? Does it come with a Chiefs car flag?

2. The Hypothesis

I bet I can eat the whole thing during a Chiefs game.

3. The Prediction

A few weeks ago I wolfed down eight hot dogs at a baseball game. Am I proud of that? A little. Does that make me an idiot? Probably. But at least I’m an idiot who’s knowledgeable about the size of his stomach. So do I have any qualms about driving to a participating Kansas City area McDonald’s, shelling out $14.99 for a heart attack box, and trying to finish the entire thing before the Chiefs game ends? Knowing full well that I’ll probably require CPR afterward? Not a single one.

4. The Test

Like any good scientist, I took detailed notes during the “experiment”. Here’s how it went down:

11:15 – Off to McDonalds.

11:25 – Kid behind the register is eating a PBJ. Even he’s smart enough to know that processed chicken and cow hooves are unhealthy. Order a Blitz Box anyway.

11:27 – It DOES come with a car flag! And a warning label! (For the flag, not the food. Of course.)

11:29 – That’s one big ass box. There’s no way I finish the entire thing.

11:30 – Consider Redbox-ing GTA V to burn off some calories at halftime. If you’re wondering whether or not my generation is fucked, I can’t offer an argument against that right now.

11:32 – Resist the urge to put the flag on my car. Head home.

11:40 – Home. Put on eating pants

11:41 – Trying to figure out how to approach this. Decide to, despite it probably constituting cheating, go ahead and polish off the first quarter pounder and fries before the game. In the best interest of the food. The fries will probably get cold pretty quick.

11:42 – Load up a plate and leave the rest of the food in the kitchen. Forcing myself to get up and walk every so often is probably a good idea.

11:43 – Fries are cold.

11:47 – Halfway through the first QP and most of the first box of fries. Thinking maybe I can do this after all!

11:48 – Oh no, a Bill Swerski commercial during the CBS pregame show. Probably not a good sign of things to come.

11:50 – Slowing down to a near halt, but finish off the first QP and a box of fries. Grab a handful of fries from the next box.

11:51 – Sweating.

11:52 – First Tums of the day.

11:55 – Consider diving into the nuggets. This is a terrible idea.

11:57 – First nugget. Fuck it. #YOLO

12:01 – Hear DMX music, think I’m hallucinating. Forgot the Chiefs game was on FOX. Watch the intro to “Romeo Must Die” on CBS anyway.

12:03 – Switch to FOX. More nuggets.

12:08 – Chiefs forced to punt. A penalty pins Giants back in their own territory. I imagine my colon having the voice of Tom Coughlin. He’s pissed.

12:09 – Ignore redassed (HA!) colon. Eat a few more nuggets.

12:12 – Head to kitchen to grab some water. Smells like cold, hardening McDonalds. Fight off the urge to vomit.

12:16 – Oh hey, look. The Chiefs have the ball back. The game has become a tertiary thing at this point, right after 1) eating and 2) not shitting pants.

12:18 – Want to die.

12:19 – Dwayne Bowe with a catch. They point out it’s his seventh season in the league. I feel old. Realize I just turned 30 earlier this week and have nothing better to do on a Sunday than attempt to consume 2,900 calories in three hours.

12:20 – Giants block a punt and I keep ingesting now-cold nuggets. There’s a flag on the play. I fever dream Coughlin and my colon both yelling “Aw, fuck off” at the same time.

12:25 – The Giants offensive line is dogshit. Starting to think Eli is poised to have a worse afternoon than I am.

12:28 – I think the last nugget had a tendon in it. Suddenly Eli’s day isn’t looking so bad.

12:30 – Looks like Dustin Colquitt might be injured. Placekicker Ryan Succop would be next in line to take over punting duties. I wonder what happens if he gets knocked out too? A CHASEDANIELPUNT.gif might break the Internet.

12:31 – Notice the Matt Cassel led Vikings are up 10-0 on Pittsburgh. Now I’m REALLY concerned I’m hallucinating.

12:35 – Catch a glimpse of Sean McGrath’s beard. It’s so inspiring, I decide to power through. Finish first box of nuggets as the clock winds down on the first quarter. Halfway there.

12:38 – Chiefs score on a TD pass to McGrath. I jump out of the chair and my heart starts beating the to the rhythm of the bass line in “Super Freak”. Decide it’s time to take a break on the food.

1:16 – Swerski’s back. I’m considering calling State Farm to get a quote on life insurance.

1:19 – I’ve eaten two quarter pounders, a medium size fries, ten chicken McNuggets and two containers of ranch dressing today. Yet I’d much rather do that again than try the new pizza Papa John and Peyton are hocking.

1:21 – 10-7 Chiefs. I just sprawled out on the floor.

1:28 – Giants call a timeout to set up a field goal. Uncomfortable doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel. On one hand, I want to see if KC can go into halftime with the lead. On the other hand, I’m crowning.

1:29 – “Josh Brown narrowly misses a field goal” is my new euphemism for making it to the bathroom on time.

1:30 – Halftime. I need to reevaluate a few things, life-wise.

1:45 – Third quarter is starting. I’ve got thirty minutes of football to finish ten nuggets and a second box of fries. But everything is deathly cold now, so I’m gonna have to use the microwave. Send prayers.

1:54 – McGrath with another catch, snapping me out of my food coma. I bet his beard smells like John Wayne’s den.

1:57 – Smith throws his first INT of the season. Sucks, but through four games last season Cassel had thrown seven picks. Enjoy him, Minnesota.

2:04 – Colquitt’s back. Sounds like it’s his second punt since he got hurt earlier? I must have lost consciousness during the first one.

2:19 – It’s getting hard to move. Both teams are having trouble moving the ball and I’m having trouble keeping my eyes open.

2:25 – “There’s Big Red throwing Little Red,” one of the FOX announces cackles, as the other completely loses his shit on air. Oh, so I see I’ve died and gone to hell.

2:27 – Dexter McCluster returns a punt for a touchdown, then does the Victor Cruz salsa dance in the end zone. At least there’s trolling in the afterlife.

2:35 – End of the 3rd quarter. It’s been over an hour since I’ve eaten anything. Now or never, I guess.

2:52 – [Returns from bathroom] Well look at that, the Chiefs are moving again! Might just go to 4-0 after that tire fire of a season last year. Just too bad that, thanks to McDonald’s, none of their fans will live to see the Super Bowl.

3:06 – Chiefs 31, Giants 7. As a Kansas City fan, I gotta admit: I feel pretty good right now. That’ll change once the, er, storm rolls in later tonight. Walter White might have a more comfortable evening than I do.

The Analysis

It is physically impossible for someone* to consume 2,900 calories worth of McDonalds during a football game. And I need to take a nap.