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the ponderings of a mother

These are the ponderings of a mother in love with her children, both in my arms and in the grave. Some of these ponderings are quite emotional, some are funny, others contemplative and spiritual. All are sincere. May these writings bless you in many ways and bring you closer to the one, true God and Redeemer of all things.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

The Lines Have Fallen

Lent is coming. That time of the
church year when we prepare our hearts for Holy Week, remembering Christ’s
death and resurrection. It is forty days
in length from Ash Wednesday to Easter Sunday (for those of you counting, you
need to subtract all the Sundays; Sunday remains a day of celebrating the
resurrection of Christ, even during the season of Lent). People of many denominations observe lent in
various manners. Our practice is to listen to what season our individual lives
are in and join with God in whatever spiritual practice seems appropriates as
opposed to following a mandated fasting or discipline from a priest or pastor
(though there can be great value in communal fasting).

Since last September I have been
leading a women’s group in our home, although I would say I am more of the
facilitator than leader, God the Holy Spirit really is the one leading us every
week. We spend time weekly in silence together listening to God on one other’s
behalf. It has proved to be a transformational time for all involved. Since
Elsa was born I was on “maternity leave” so to speak and just began again this
week. We have begun our preparations for
Lent. We are sharing where our lives are right now, discerning where God is
intersecting them, and choosing our individual focus for this Lenten season (it
begins next Wednesday, Feb. 22nd, by the way). We will each have our individual focus for
this season, but we will be working that out in our lives within community
together. We will help one another along when we get stuck, pray for one
another, and encourage one another with Scripture and words.

As I have joined the Anglican
Church this practice has come alive to me in new ways. Two years ago was my
first Lent with the Anglican Church. I was also in a Spiritual Direction Group
(similar to the one I now facilitate). I
was able to share my life openly and they were able to speak to be truthfully
and graciously (a most important combination! Grace without Truth is the path
to heresy and lacks transformative power in our lives; Truth without Grace is
harsh and judgmental. Both are most important.) Within this group I found the accountability
supportive and clarity with which others could see into me freeing. I could try
to hide darker places within, but the group saw into me and spoke to me in
love. We did this for one another. They also spoke to the beautiful places
within, which I find many of us are just as likely to hide from…uncertain of
the how to offer the best of ourselves to the world without pride or
arrogance. Community is good for these
things. That Lenten season of 2010 proved to be transformational for me.

Fast forward to Lent 2011, I was
not in the group; I was on my own but was certain of my focus. I made
confession to a priest and was greeted with such grace and kindness. It
surprises me every time. The Lenten season offered time to turn away from that
and turn toward replacing that with something else as I sought God to change my
heart. That time continues to be like a
seed planted, growing over time into a place that will bear fruit more and more
over the years. However, it lacked what the previous year had…

Community.

So, here I am this year
facilitating a group so that we can all walk together toward that which we are
being called to by God. It is different for each of the women in the group, but
the same God is Lord of us all and we will walk together toward Him together.

My struggle as I approach this
Lenten season 2012 has been the uncertainty of which spiritual discipline will
I put in place in my life. I have not
felt any particular direction or thing to turn away from, and I have been a bit
sad. I long for that experience of
turning toward God in a new way and getting to know Him more. I was beginning
to feel I may miss out. This week in our
group we each shared a snapshot of where our lives are. I was the last to share and the best thing I
could come up with was that my “lines have fallen in pleasant places.” I have been walking such a fire-filled road
for so many years, crises after crises around each turn. And now I am in a place of good. No major
crisis for the season. I am blessed on the outside (I say outside, as I would
argue, and believe I held onto the fact, that I was always blessed internally.
God was always present to me and I knew it. Deeply. He never abandoned me and I
knew it. Deeply. ) Now, however, my days are pleasant. I am able to remain with
my beautiful daughter day after day attending to the formation of this sweet
soul. My husband has a job. We love
where we live. We are engaged in our church and able to give after so much time
of receiving (both important to the healing of one’s soul). We have all the food we need. I have a place
to wash our clothes. We are warm in the cold months. We have wonderful friends
around us. I have energy to engage relationships. Spring is here already within our home. King David’s words come to mind:

The
LORD is my chosen portion and my cup;

You hold
my lot.

The
lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;

Indeed,
I have a beautiful inheritance.

Psalm
16:5-6

The Lord has always been my
chosen portion, and I have always had the beautiful inheritance, the hope of
heaven. But the lines have not always fallen in pleasant places. Meaning, in
King David’s time, that the boundary lines of his land are great. He has a full
life. He enjoys what he has been given. My lines have been blurred and moved around
these past years. I felt uncertainty about so many things. But now, my lines
have fallen in pleasant places.

As I shared this with my group
whining (well, not really) about how I felt so filled up that I had no idea
where my focus, my spiritual discipline, should be for Lent. One woman said “Well,
that seems like a great time for worship.”
I laughed the truthful simplicity of her statement. True, what a great
discipline to turn toward for this season. Specifically, I will be practicing
the discipline of Celebration. What? You
think that is not a real discipline because it is just sounds too great? Me,
too J But the reality is Scripture is
full of Celebration. It is essential to the health of our inner life. Our group
is using the Spiritual Disciplines Handbook by Adele Ahlberg Calhoun as our guide (I highly
recommend having this one on your shelf). There are 64 different disciplines in
this book. Done with the right spirit inside, they all bring life within. I am excited to write more about spiritual
disciplines in the next week!

Lent is not just about giving up
[fill in the blank], though at times it is. But sometimes it is about adding
[fill in the blank]. Never a dull day following Christ. Ordinary days…certainly…but never dull.

Please join me through Lent as I enter
the discipline of Celebration beginning Ash Wednesday.

What are you turning from or
turning toward during this Lenten season? I would love to hear.