3/17/2016

Liberal Hate Porn: Conservatives Losing Their Shit Over Trump

Sometimes you need to take a break and just masturbate. Everyone's got their favorite kinds of porn, whether it's the regular ol' jizz-pile orgy or two girls, one cup, three donkeys. And then there's hate porn, some kind of schadenfreude that moves beyond mere satisfaction at the misfortune of others and tilts right into spanking and/or fingering material. So drop your pants and plunge into your drawers because we're gonna take a little tour around Right Blogsylvania, where many a conservative is losing his or her goddamned tiny mind over the inevitable nomination of Donald Trump as their Republican candidate for the presidency of the motherfuckin' United States. Sweet Jesus, it's better than teabagging a grateful 21 year-old evangelical guy in the men's room off the big conference hall at the Marriott Marquis in DC.

At Erick "Erick" Erickson's new publication, The Revenant, where he gets raped by a bear and left for dead...what's that? Oh, The Resurgent. That doesn't make any more sense. Anyways, Erickson doughily takes a mighty stand of opposition to sinful fake conservative Trump: "I find Donald Trump to be a man of low moral character and low integrity. Essentially, Donald Trump is gold plated sleaze and I have no use for him at all ever. If that means Hillary Clinton becomes President of the United States, Donald Trump’s supporters can carry that burden. Everyone saw it coming except for them." Are you hard and/or wet yet? Are you lubing your fingers with Erickson's tears?

It gets even sadder for Erickson. On NPR yesterday, he revealed that he actually, hilariously believes he has some power by threatening to get together a third-party to run a candidate for the presidency, one that he thinks would divide voters so much that the election would have to be decided by the mad House of Representatives. But he still sees destruction in the near-term: "If voters don't turn out to vote for a presidential candidate, they're not probably going to turn out and vote for state and local legislative races as well, which could be a real bloodbath for Republicans." Delicious blood, a pure aphrodisiac.

Over at Glenn "Yeah, Kasich Is a Son of a Bitch" Beck's internet concern The Blaze, where Beck is raped by a bear and left for dead, some of the columnists are aghast at the betrayal of other conservatives' support of Trump. Matt Walsh names names, including Hannity, Coulter, Ingraham, O'Reilly, Breitbart, Fox "news" and some politicians, all of whom he seems like he'd like to put in a sack and drown in a river: "The capitulation that many conservative and Christian leaders have shown towards Trump goes well beyond what the liberal media shows towards Obama. I’ve never in my life seen anything like this, and I suspect I’d have to take a flight to North Korea to witness an equal level of unthinking deference. But at least Kim Jong Un’s subjects submit under the threat of death and imprisonment. Our 'leaders' have subjugated themselves to the American Kim Jong Un simply for the publicity and the ratings and the chance to be friends with a billionaire celebrity." The whole piece will make you blow your load early, but wait, there's more.

At the National Review (motto: "We're the bears raping William F. Buckley's already dead corpse"), when the writers are not blaming those stupid poor white people for finally wanting something from their government, they're pissing and moaning about that dastardly Trump: "Once, it seemed possible that November would bring with it the completion of the conservative rebuilding project. Now, the Right teeters on the edge of obliteration. Even if the clown show of the last eight months has done nothing to reduce our standing before the world, the numbers before us are clear: Donald Trump’s takeover of the Republican party has been an unmitigated catastrophe," writes Charles W. Cooke in a pathetic sob of a piece.

Oh, shit, did you orgasm? Didn't it just feel good to fuck yourself as a way of showing all these right-wing shitsacks what they can go do?