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April 1, 2012

Michael Bay Reveals Plans to Remake Night of the Living Dead [APRIL FOOLS!]

Coming on the heels of Michael Bay's controversial decision to remake Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for Paramount, Michael Bay has angered yet another set of movie fans by announcing his next horror project: a big budget 3D remake of George A. Romero's Night of the Living Dead.

"Through Platinum Dunes," Bay said in a recent blog post on MichaelBay.com, "I will be writing and directing an exciting new remake of Night of the Living Dead in 3D for a Christmas 2014 release."

Bay went on to elaborate why he would be taking on the reigns as writer and director.

"I discovered this movie for the first time, like, a week ago while partying at Brett Ratner's house. I was like, this movie has the potential to be something really awesome, but virtually no one has ever heard of it or this George Romero guy. I figured that it's time to bring zombies back, make them modern, and finally make them cool for once."

Predictably, horror fan reaction to the news has been overwhelmingly hostile. On websites like Bloody-Disgusting, Ain't It Cool, and Screen Rant, commentators have been bombarding articles about the story with vitriolic charges that "Michael Bay is Raping George Romero" and "Michael Bay should suck on a shot gun and die." The overwhelming backlash against the director and his production company, Platinum Dunes, prompted Bay to reveal his plans and casting for the film to inspire confidence in the fans.

According to CHUD.com, Michael Bay had this to say while speaking today at a charity event for child actors in rehab:

"Horror fans need to stick a chill pill up their ass. My Night of the Living Dead is going to be everything you horror cunts have been looking for since I remade Nightmare on Elm Street and Friday the 13th. My version will take place 20 years in the future when an astronaut named Ben returns to Earth to discover that super smart zombies have taken over and turned humans into dumb, speech-less cattle. To save the world, Ben must fight to the death during a country-wide battle royale in the fucking apocalyptic ruined cities of America. The battle is called the Hungry Games. Check this out: zombies pit all humans against each other. The losers are eaten!"

Bay went on to reveal he's already written the script and is in the process of casting.

Kevin James (Paul Blart: Mall Cop) as Ben

"Kevin James will be playing astronaut Dr. Ben Dover, who returns to Earth after a trip to Venus to find the world taken over by mother-fucking zombies," Bay said. "Kevin's on board to be the hero. He's an everyman, you know. Really believable. I know some cunts will be pissed that he's not black, but who's ever heard of a black astronaut, anyway?"

Garcelle Beauvais (The Jamie Foxx Show ) as Barbara

"Yeah, Garcelle and I have been looking to work together for a while. Look, this movie's still going to have someone black - and it's hot. With the 3D I have planned and the breast enhancement surgery Garcelle has agreed to take for the role, there's going to be a lot of fans in the audience shouting, 'We're coming to get you, Babara,' if you know what I mean." Bay went on to tease the nature of Beauvais' role: "Barbara's a mute human kept by the zombies as a sex slave. She'll help Ben succeed in the Hungry Games. Who knows? Maybe they'll even fall in love."

Ken Jeong (The Hangover Part II) and Nikki Glasser (Punching the Clown) as Harry and Helen Cooper

"My Night of the Living Dead is going to be pretty bleak," Bay said. "To add some of that wacky, youthful humor that made my Transformers movies a box office hit, I've already locked in comedians Ken Jeong and Nikki Glaser to play a squabbling couple. They're playing some of the few humans that can still talk. If you thought Ken was off the chain in Transformers: Dark of the Moon, you ain't seen nothing, yet!"

Michael Bay couldn't be reached for further comment about his casting choices or to answer questions about why his remake of Night of the Living Dead sounds more like ripoff of Planet of the Apes and The Hunger Games. However, a big dump truck full of money was seen pulling up to Michael Bay's house, suggesting filming is about to get underway.