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Thursday, November 8, 2012

The Rules of Invisibility Are Clear

I hate when this happens.Sometimes you really need a pickle.

There are times when it is polite to treat people like they are invisible. I've discovered, with some concern, that recently more people are ignorant of what used to be the unspoken rules of invisibility. Which is leaving me no choice but to review a few here on my blog because I care about the future of a society in which I am raising my children. I can't imagine leaving them to inherit a world full of people that aren't practicing the rules that provide an opportunity to be open-minded and compassionate. Otherwise, what kind of world are we leaving them?

Rule #1: People are invisible while they are in their own cars.

When one is in their own car, minding their own business, and makes the responsible decision to keep their hands on the steering wheel at ten and two because they are being trailed by a cop and are slightly tense because they might be 1. missing a taillight and 2. have a speedometer that frequently spontaneously quits, it might occur belatedly that they've rendered themselves unable to accurately communicate through dance how they feel about the music on the radio. This is when the more creative members of society (or those with a Can-Do Spirit) explore other means of expression. Including, but not limited to, conducting the music with one's nose*.

(*Before you hate on this and shrug this off as a non-option, consider that the nose sticks out of the body much in the same fashion as an arm or leg. It's almost/kinda like another appendage. Plus it can wiggle, scrunch up, hold up your glasses, and even houses one of the five senses as a conduit for smell. In fact, the nose is probably way more useful than your right elbow which you use all the time when you dance and it's time to rock out a lasso. Not so much a stretch now, is it?)(Also supremely underused? Eyebrows. And since I'm not one to discriminate I employ both of mine as often as possible.)(When I'm alone.)(I try not to be too much of a spazz in front of others.)

Actually not as hard as you would believe.Because windows are already clear.

But just because people understand the availability of the nose for rocking out doesn't mean they will accept it when they see it happening. However, those with any sense of propriety will observe the situation, make sure that the driver is not having a seizure but just dancing with their nose, and turn away and giggle at the spectacle. Because the unspoken societal rules clearly indicate that while one is in their car they are in a bubble of private personal space and are therefore clearly invisible. And for no reason is it copacetic to blatantly stare and silently judge. (It is okay to take a picture if you are not driving and can do it in a subtle nature.)

Rule #2: People are invisible if it is dark-ish.

Like, maybe you're spending a week at Disney World. And maybe you've been walking around all day and you're super tired and even the trip back to your cabin was sidelined by a stop for dinner at another resort meaning that you still have an additional boat ride back to the bus stop that will take you back to your cabin. (First World Problem alert!) And maybe the Disney meal plan allows a dessert with your dinner and so you order an awesome looking granola cookie bar thing to take with you because you are sufficiently full now but will totally be ready to indulge later.

However.

On the boat ride home you make the mistake of taking one little bite and discover that the granola cookie bar thing is the most delicious thing you've ever eaten in your entire life. And so you keep taking minuscule bites for the duration of the ride because you're holding a wiggly two year old and trying to eat without getting crumbs in his hair because you don't want to bathe him that night trying to be a responsible eater. (But then you remember that you're pretty sure the chocolate in the bar is dark and the coconut is organic, and probably the whole thing was handmade on some kind of free-range farm by free trade workers*, so it's totally just like health food.)

The clippings are a breeze to clean up.

When the boat docks, the best husband in the world takes over the care of the two year old, leaving you with two free hands to dedicate to mowing this dessert. Since there is about a two hundred yard walk to the bus stop, mainly on barely lit paved pathway, and it is late at night and therefore very dark and less populated than in the light of day, you feel okay about eating with less decorum than usual.

(Have I mentioned how good this granola health food made by rescued baby seals and wrapped in biodegradable plastic wrap tastes?)

And maybe in your haste to finish it before you reach the bus stop, you may literally break off more than you can chew and some will fall from your lips (not chewed yet, chill out) and slide down into your bra (take a minute to thank the good Lord it won't be wasted). This is when you automatically reach down into your bra to dig out the cookie bit that fell from your lips into your bra. You might need to embark on a bit of a search as it is dark and the morsel landed among crevasses. Once you have procured the crumbling chunk, you, without any delay, eat it. At that exact moment of the boob to lip return you will look up and catch the eye of Disney Dad of Dastardly Deportment, the fellow that not only watches you remove food from your bra but sees you eat it as well and doesn't even have the decency to look away and pretend he didn't see it. He's either the rudest person at Disney World or it's like he doesn't even know the rules of invisibility.

This situation is clearly a time when you are invisible. Let people grope themselves for snack food in peace. Duh.

IS THAT A TIGER? It's like invisibility of a whole 'nother level. Welcome to the jungle, Kitten.

In conclusion, there are probably more than two rules of invisibility, but that's all I have time for today. So remember, next time you are witness to some "I can't believe I just saw them do that!" moment, ask yourself, "Are they actually invisible right now?" Let's keep America kind.

4 comments:

This is hysterical. I drop food in my bra all the time and fish it out. It embarrasses the hell out of my husband. But you're right - without the rules of society, we may as well be squirrels. I AM invisible when In The Air tonight comes on and I think I am Phil Collins. Just as I am invisible when I drop peanut butter pretzels into my boobs and leave them there for a snack later. It's FINE.

I am so jealous of your trip and my new weight loss goal is to be able to sneak into your luggage and come with you. The cookie can be found at the walk up service restaurant at the Wilderness Lodge. Yum, yum, yum!

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Sublurban Mama ingredients: One part Mama, one part wifey, one part HARDCORE athlete, one part constant inappropriate giggles. Bake on high for 34 years (not a drug joke) and wrap up in a big Pinterest ribbon. All while listening to Needtobreathe. And drinking iced coffee. Probably.

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