Let me tell you about a playa with a purpose,
Who preys on people who don’t know their worth it,
Worth what you say? Worth being love, respected, and cared for,
Worth having someone who’s there for em’,
Someone who recognizes their value and encourages the same,
One who’s not quick to throw off the blame,
In an effort to take the attention off themselves, pushing their wrong off on everyone else,
Saying “it will never happen again” just to turn around and repeat the sin,
Knowing that you will let them in.

Let me tell you about a playa with a purpose,
Playa’s with a purpose know how to get in your mind,
Making you feel that without them you’re not worth a dime,
They’re there for you when you need them most,
Then turn around and get ghost,
Returning to their playa ways, day after day, play after play,
Only to make you feel like you led the way,
To their indiscretions, those one on one sessions,
With their other boo, who helps make you look like a fool.

Let me tell you about a playa with a purpose,
The funny thing is they don’t know that they’re worth it,
They stick to their playa ways, trying to fill their days,
Because they’re empty inside, too shallow to give up their pride,
So they need you to thrive and make them feel like a king or queen inside,
Why go through all that you say?
Because a playa doesn’t know their purpose,
Most times they walk this world feeling worthless,
They’re projecting the pain they feel inside,
Hoping it will help the hurt subside,
Not understanding that if they only look up they’ll know they’re worth it,
Because their creator holds their true purpose.

I was once a playa with a purpose. I didn’t prey on people (I didn’t seek them out) but I didn’t stop them from coming my direction either. I tended to attract people who were like me…hurting and insecure. Since I had been hurt so much before, I guarded myself to make sure it never happened again. However, I learned to play on the insecurities and vulnerabilities of others. I learned to make them feel like I was all they had. I was there for them when they needed me; a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, a home girl. They were so blind because I gave them that one thing they never felt before, unconditional love. I didn’t judge them or make them feel less than like everyone else in their life. I lifted them up, became their cheerleader and made them feel like they were on top of the world. It was me and them against the world, so they thought.

Once I got into their heads and had them where they looked to me more than they looked to God (yep I was an arrogant one), I knew I could do anything I wanted…and for the most part I did. I knew if I kept them in the clouds they would be blind to and accept what I was doing. I called them my main and had my play things on the side. I made my own money but never had to spend it because they wanted to do everything for me…and I let them. I made them feel guilty for my mistakes and somehow always blamed everyone but myself. I was a user and abuser who played the victim card for so long that I didn’t realize that I had become the perpetrator. I was doing the exact same thing I thought I was guarding myself from. Although it was in different form, I was inflicting the hurt that I was trying to avoid. I felt like since I was being open about my indiscretions it gave me license to do as I please because honesty is the best policy right? Ha! I guess I should have started with myself.

I learned from childhood how to mask my feelings and not feel emotions so I didn’t understand why they were so upset once they came out of the clouds. Although I knew once the blinders came off they might despise me, I continued on in “my ways”. It wasn’t until someone I (surprisingly) opened my heart to was in my face crying and yelling “what kind of monster are you?” it clicked for me. Me, a monster? That’s what I called the people who hurt me. How can that be? I wasn’t doing what they did to me, so how can I be a monster? I mean what they did was waaayyy worse, so how can I be a monster? I was already at a point of struggling to look at myself in the mirror because the people I was hurting turned out to be really good people. However, hearing that person and for the first time (in a long time) feeling their hurt made me take a long, hard, honest look at myself.

I was a habitual cheater who didn’t know my worth. I enjoyed the pedestal I lived on and the ability to control people’s emotions because after all I had to get to them before they got to me (so I thought). I had to recognize my value and fight against every negative word spoken to me. I had to learn not to allow the words of others to define me. I had to learn to deal with my hurt rather than inflicting it on others. I had to learn that hurting others was not the way to make myself feel better. I had to learn to take responsibility for my actions and stop blaming the hurt from my past for present decisions.

I’m still a work in progress and far from perfect but I’m working. I’m thankful that I’m not who I use to be. I encourage everyone to recognize their value and be your best. It is an everyday process, so do not give up when it doesn’t change overnight. When you recognize your value, the way you walk, talk, and conduct yourself changes. What you allow in your life changes. Who you allow in your life changes. Look over your life and the company you keep. If your decisions are not adding value to your life, change them. If you “friends” are causing more harm than good, love them from a distance. Life is too short to waste it on foolishness. Live your best life because after all, you only live once so make it a good one!

I saw this posted today on Facebook and thought it was pretty accurate.

Relationships are harder now because conversations became texting, arguments became phone calls, feelings became subliminal messages online. Sex became easy, the word love gets used out of context, insecurities have become your way of thinking. Getting jealous became a habit, trust has been lost, cheating became an accident, leaving became the only option and being hurt became natural.

I will admit that I have been guilty of some of the items on this list in the past. When serious conversations become a texting event, there’s a problem. I know some people can be difficult and make it hard to have face-to-face conversations but without real communication there isn’t real resolve. I found it easier to text or write because I don’t like to be interrupted when I am expressing myself. When I am interrupted during my turn to speak I become agitated. However, one of my weak points in conversation is interrupting. How does that work? LOL! (Jesus is still working on me)

One of the foundations in any successful relationship is effective communication. I have found that basis of many issues is lack of effective communication. Lack of effective communication can lead to uneccessary arguments, misguided perceptions, misunderstandings that can be solved by simply asking a question, and so much more. In reviewing the items listed above, I believe most if not all can be eliminated or come to a place of understanding with real, open, and honest communication. Be honest about your insecurities and what bothers you. Be honest about how your significant other makes you feel, good or bad. If we learn to be real even if it exposes us, can you imagine how much peace we can have. Some folks may require a mediator at first but learn to talk to each other folks!

Teenagers and abstinence has been an ongoing debate for years. Some people believe in abstinence only teachings and others believe in teaching sexual responsibility (i.e. condoms, birth control, STD education etc.). In today’s society abstaining from sexual activity (vaginal, oral, anal, masturbation, and any other form people come up with) is becoming increasingly difficult as it is glorified in the media, music, and even cartoons. I won’t even begin to talk about the amount of peer pressure out there to have sex early. The issue with many abstinence only programs is the restrictions or misrepresentation of facts that fail to address what a teenager should do when they reach a weak point. It sounds great to say “go pray” or “don’t put yourself in compromising situations” but in reality, how many teenagers are really going to do that? Almost every teenager has that moment of temporary insanity where everything they were taught falls out of their brain. So what do you do?

On the flip side some believing giving a young man condoms and putting a young woman on birth control is promoting sexual activity. I feel it depends on the teenager. Some young people may see it as a stamp of approval from their parents and go all in while others may be confused on how to feel about it. I think it would have served as a deterrent for me as a teenager because I was all about the thrill of creeping and pissing my mother off. If I would have felt as if she was supporting me it wouldn’t have been fun anymore (yes I was an awful teenager, sorry mom).

After my experiences I believe abstaining from sexual activity as a teenager is necessary because they cannot begin to understand the level of emotions and responsibility that comes with it. I had my first child at 17 and second at 19 without the help of their father. I was not ready for the emotional strains of having a child and certainly not ready to be a single parent. The first two years of my daughter’s life my mother and little sister were the main caretakers and if they had not been there I don’t know what I would have done. I remember in my early teen years I wanted a child so bad and as soon as I got over that feeling a year later I was pregnant. I was too ignorant to use any form of protection or birth control so I was also a perfect candidate for STD’s. My mother is a nurse and educated me well but again since she said it, I had to do the exact opposite.

REAL TALK- As a parent of three teenagers, this topic gives me anxiety. I am thankful my teenagers are more thoughtful than I was and are not afraid to ask questions. I remember the first time they brought the topic of sex to me (asking a question about something they heard at school that I had to look up myself) I almost vomited everywhere. First I was shocked because I could not believe the questions they were asking. Second, that “ain’t” what I send them to school for. Third, I wasn’t ready to cross that bridge with them; I was still using baby words like “wee-wee” and “privates” LOL! Honey, I felt weak in the knees, I started sweating, my face turned red, and I was stuttering like a mug! You would think with my prior experiences I would have been okay but not even close. I am THANKFUL for my other half because if I handle that first real conversation alone, those poor babies would have walked out more confused than when they came in. I am much better now but I didn’t think I was going to make it! I have learned to pray and ask God to direct my words because making the transition from child to teenager has not been easy. It was especially hard at first because I was not a “normal” teenager so relating to their “simple matters” (compared to what I was doing at their age) was difficult. Once again that’s when prayer for direction comes in.

So my questions are: Do we (parents) stick to the abstinence only teachings? Do we teach abstinence but incorporate sexual responsibility especially since oral sex is the new kissing? Do we try to develop an open and honest communication line with our teenagers that makes them comfortable enough to tell us if they have urges? Do we take our daughters to get birth control or buy or sons condoms if they express their struggles? Do we ignore them and throw Jesus in their face? How do we handle teenagers in their sexual curiosity? If we ignore them how can we get mad if they come back with a baby or STD when we could have opened our minds and possibly prevented it?

I am a preachers kid so I am clear on what the bible says (my mom made sure of that). I am also not naive to the extreme pressures these kids are fighting against. I have expressed my preference of abstinence to my teenagers with my reasons why. I also stressed the importantance of honesty and openess. If the topic came up as an interest, after picking myself up off the floor, I honestly don’t know what I would do. Let me know what you think and keep it REAL.