A Puffed Up ProblemDavid Simmonds

A 'perfect storm' of negative developments is
threatening to wreck the North American marshmallow
industry.

The first threat is from an old adversary: global
warming. Farmers in Washington and Idaho -
where some 90% of domestic marshmallow crop
production is located - report sustained
temperatures reaching "campfire levels." And when that happens,
according to the respected industry periodical
"The
Agronomist," in its July issue, "marshmallow blooms
puff up and spontaneous combustion occurs...an
isolated flame-up can spread more quickly than a
forest fire."

What can be done about it? According to Herb Black,
Chief of the Idaho State Bureau of Conservation, not
much. "We can't defoliate, as we'd knock off other
species. We can't irrigate, as water's too scarce.
We can't put fire-fighters' lives at risk. The
only thing we can think of is to have planeloads of
Girl Scouts, Campfire Girls, Brownies, Kinettes and
so on to fly in for impromptu marshmallow roasts.
It would be a once in a lifetime experience for
them."
But that is where the next problem arises. A spate
of marshmallow roast lawsuits has yielded soaring
insurance premiums, and is forcing scouting and
camping organizations to impose strict fireside
safety standards. All participants in marshmallow
roasts must now wear flame retardant gloves and
aprons, as well as goggles and a helmet; a fire
extinguisher must be deployed at all times; and
only prescribed asbestos coasted roasting sticks may
be used. "It somehow takes the fun out of sitting
around singing She'll Be Coming Round The Mountain
and eating S'mores," lamented an unnamed Scouts
official.

Can North American processors get their marshmallows
somewhere else? Not likely, according to industry
experts. There are pockets of marshmallow
production in England and China. England doesn't
have the same warming problems (perpetual rain
provides the buffer), but the entire national crop
was recently destroyed when it was discovered some
plants had been infected with Fungal Tooth Decay
virus, which can be toxic in humans. "Nothing
could be more important for our national security
than to have the world maintain its confidence in
the English Marshmallow. We will take whatever
drastic measures are necessary" said a grim faced
Prime Minister Gordon Brown to a packed House of
Commons.

As for China, it denies it has any problem - indeed
it denies it has a marshmallow production industry -
and says that the recent execution of the head of
the State Bureau of Soft Sweet Squishy Foods was for
unrelated crimes having to do with bad grooming.

Sources say China is indeed a potential source for
North American processors, and its labour intensive
efforts to protect the crop from combustion appear
to be bearing fruit.

But even if Chinese production were somehow
available for import, another problem comes to the
forefront. Because marshmallows bear such a
similarity in appearance to a key plastic explosive
ingredient often used by terrorists, and because
they are so light and easily transported; the
Department of Homeland Security has classified the
marshmallow, along with toothpaste and shaving
cream, as a banned substance. In short, to get
marshmallows into the United States, you'll have to
smuggle them in.

Already, border officials are enraging visitors
from Canada by confiscating all Rice Krispy Squares
that pass under their scrutiny. "It's hard seeing
people so upset" said one border official stationed
at a Maine entry point; "but on the plus side, we
have better snacks at coffee break."

And if that weren't enough, several influential
Senators and Congressional Representatives have
talked of slapping China with a punitive Marshmallow
Import Duty "The Marshmallow is the meat and
potatoes of some 10,000 Idaho families" said Idaho
Senator Irene Knibble. "We are not going to let
this industry puff up and burn."

So what of the future for the American marshmallow
industry? It doesn't look good, according to Wanda
Snacker, agriculture columnist for the Wall Street
Journal. "I see a big move into pretzel stocks.
And the short sellers have already got their claws
into Heavenly Hash. But I'm not recommending a move
into beef jerky futures at this time."

What can the consumer do at this point? "Don't
panic", said Black. "Just moderate your
marshmallow intake until we can ride this one out."

Some readers seem intent on nullifying the authority of David Simmonds. The critics are so intense; Simmonds is cast as more scoundrel than scamp. He is, in fact, a Canadian writer of much wit and wisdom. Simmonds writes strong prose, not infrequently laced with savage humour. He dissects, in a cheeky way, what some think sacrosanct. His wit refuses to allow the absurdities of life to move along, nicely, without comment. What Simmonds writes frightens some readers. He doesn't court the ineffectual. Those he scares off are the same ones that will not understand his writing. Satire is not for sissies. The wit of David Simmonds skewers societal vanities, the self-important and their follies as well as the madness of tyrants. He never targets the outcasts or the marginalised; when he goes for a jugular, its blood is blue. David Simmonds, by nurture, is a lawyer. By nature, he is a perceptive writer, with a gimlet eye, a superb folk singer, lyricist and composer. He believes quirkiness is universal; this is his focus and the base of his creativity. "If my humour hurts," says Simmonds,"it's after the stiletto comes out." He's an urban satirist on par with Pete Hamill and Mike Barnacle; the late Jimmy Breslin and Mike Rokyo and, increasingly, Dorothy Parker. He writes from and often about the village of Wellington, Ontario. Simmonds also writes for the Wellington "Times," in Wellington, Ontario.