"I appreciate you parking so close to me, asshole! Next time it won't be your car that'll get scratched--it'll be your fucking eyeballs!"

"I saw the guy that scratched your car. Here's a drawing of what he looked like." (Then draw a stick figure.)

4. You've been waiting forty-five minutes in your doctor's waiting room for your appointment. How do you behave?

A. Wait patiently as you read your Bible.

Take a nap.

B. Cross out all the address labels on the magazines and write in "Dr. Douche Bag."

Walk around the office giving everyone complimentary mammograms.

C.You're in a crowded elevator and you're the one closest to the buttons. Someone asks you to push 37. What do you do?

D. Push 37.

Push every single button and then get out on the third ?oor.

Pretend you're retarded and head-butt him.

5. When a homeless person asks you for spare change, you . . .

Give him whatever coins you have in your pocket and apologize for not being able to help more.

A. Drop a penny in his steaming coffee.

B. Write out a check to him for $1 million, then rip it up in his face.

C. Give him a dollar, then kick him in the balls and demand ninety-nine cents change.

D. A stranger with a baby is trying to change her tire on the side of the road in an affluent neighborhood. You . . .

6. A man is drowning in a pool. What do you do?

Drag him out of the pool and give him mouth-to-mouth.

Drag him out of the pool and pay someone to give him mouth-to-mouth because you ain't no fairy.

Put on more sunscreen.

Walk around the edge of the pool pretending to be a gill salesman, shouting, "Gills here! Who needs gills?!"

7. Pull over and change her tire.

Pull over, change her tire, and demand a hand job.

Pull over, ask her if she needs help, then give her the finger.

A. Slash her other three tires and tell her that her baby's ugly.

B. Your girlfriend dies. When do you ask out her best friend?

Never.

C. A week later. During the eulogy. While your girlfriend was alive.

8. Your friend tells you his wife is pregnant, but it's early and you shouldn't tell anyone. What do you do?

A. Don't utter a word to anyone, not even Jesus.

B. Tell everyone you come in contact with but make them promise not to tell a soul.

C. Call her boss and tell him that she's "working for two."

Call the boss's wife and say that her husband knocked up some woman at work.

D. Your six-year-old nephew asks you if there really is a Santa Claus. What do you do?

Say, "Of course there is!"

9. Tell him to "ask Jeeves."

Tell him, "Yeah, it's your dad, schmuck!"

A. Tell him, "There's no Santa, there's no Easter Bunny. On the other hand, your parents are divorcing, and it's your fault."

B. The pizza-delivery guy miraculously arrives with a pepperoni pie in eleven minutes in a raging snowstorm on Super Bowl Sunday. The bill is $13.20. How much do you tip him?

C. Give him a $20 bill and let him keep the change.

D. Give him a $20 bill, ask for $13.20 back, and see if he's capable of even the most basic math skills.

10. im in counterfeit euros and give him a free slice.

A. Don't give him anything but tell him he can use your shitter if he needs to--as long as he wipes his ass with the pizza box.

B. Someone at work is TiVoing the Knicks--Lakers game and doesn't want to know the score. You . . .

C. Respect him and don't discuss the game anywhere near him.

D. Fill up his voice mail with game updates.

11. Smash his car windshield and spray-paint the final score on his leather seats.

A.Wear a Walkman and follow him around all day doing play-by-play.

B. You're on a hike with ample supplies of food and water when you see a fellow hiker crawling toward you, totally dehydrated. What do you do?

C. Give him all your food and water and call an ambulance on your cell phone.

Give him half your food and water and call your friend to find out the Cubs--Yankees score.

D. Beat the shit out of him and steal his Eddie Bauer backpack.

Rape him anally with your bottle of Poland Spring.

12. An ambulance tries to pass your car. What do you do?

A. Hope it gets to the hospital as soon as possible to save the person inside.

Hope it doesn't make you miss the next light.

B. Give the driver the finger because the loud sirens made you miss the first eleven seconds of your new White Stripes CD.

13. Your best friend needs a kidney, and you're one of three people in North America who are a match. You . . .

A. Happily give it to him, knowing that you'll still live.

Grudgingly give it to him, knowing that you'll have a nine-inch scar on your back.

B. Keep your kidney and e-mail him all the dialysis links off Google.

C. Remove his remaining kidney with an X-Acto knife and sell it on the black market to pay for that humidor you always wanted.

14. Your friend's girlfriend is throwing a surprise party for him. What do you do?

A. E-mail her a list of his friends with their addresses.

B. E-mail her a list of your friends with their addresses.

C. Put up a movie marquee on his front lawn while he's at work that says, COMING SOON: YOUR SURPRISE PARTY!

D. Hire two hookers and send him to the party with one on each arm.

A waiter at a restaurant brings you the chicken Caesar salad instead of the Chinese chicken salad. What do you do?

15. Politely ask him to bring you the salad you ordered.

A. Dump the chicken Caesar on his head and bellow, "Hail, Caesar! Write down my order next time, douchie!"

B. Pay the busboy five dollars to pour water into the waiter's gas tank.

C. Take a bite of the Caesar salad, then collapse on the ground and writhe, wailing, "Allergic . . . to . . . Caesar . . ." When the waiter arrives to help, pin him to the ground and pour the soup of the day into his eyes.