Wednesday, December 31, 2014

2014: A Year in Review and The Drakie Awards

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You know what people never do around this time of year? Recap
all of the best stuff that happened over the course of the previous 12 months.
Oh wait, I’m sorry. I’m confusing “never do” and “always do” again. God, this happens
all the time. It’s just like that day at the Natural History Museum. So embarrassing.

Let it
go, man. Remember, it’s a new year. Ok, whew. Moving on.

2014. It
was a year when hackers literally hacked everything. Go ahead, take a bite out
of that apple. Taste funny? It should because it’s been hacked. Steer clear of
the banana, by the way. Also hacked. Twice.

What else happened in 2014? Oh,
America learned either we might be getting too fat to sit on our phones or our
pants are getting too tight or both. A bunch of states finally got around to
declaring “Love is love, baby. It don’t matter who you love, it’s all the same.”
A couple of states even decided to get off stoners’ backs and just let ’em toke.
In what I’m sure is a totally unrelated story, Grumpy Cat got a movie.
Taylor
Swift staged a currently-still-bloodless coup of the music industry.

It was
a year of engagements. Both in the romantic and the militaristic sense.

We
learned that almost all of our favorite athletes are probably dicks and then America
lost its mind about Ebola for like two weeks but quickly forgot about it once
it stopped being our problem.

We also had the unfortunate task of saying good bye to Robin Williams, one of comedy's all time greats, an event that hit me harder than almost anything else negative that happened this year, which is confusing but no less true.

Well
that was fun. Now for our next segment on this, the final Cheese Life post of
this sad-yet-danceable Year of our Lord 2014. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you
the Drakies. This is the award show founded by my friend and business partner
Drake Stone, who hasn’t been seen since 2008. Some good news on that front, I found
a postcard in my mailbox this Christmas that was jet black on the front and totally
blank on the other side. No warm wishes, no return address. It wasn’t even
addressed to anyone actually so I’m not sure how it came to be in my mailbox,
but I assume it was from Drake or one of his unknowable minions. Happy
Holidays, buddy!

Anyway,
years ago Drake entrusted me to carry on the Drakies and give out awards to
what I deemed to have had the best year in a number of different categories. Without
further ado, let us begin the show.

Pop Culture Division

Best Movie: The Grand Budapest Hotel. Wes Anderson is at his
Wes Anderson-iest in this story-within-a-story-within-a-story about the staff
of a famed hotel. It has two World Wars, murder plots, art theft, an infinite
sea of pastel colors and impossible sets. It’s delightful.

Best Album: Gerard Way, “Hesitant Alien.” This was by far
the year’s closest race. Way’s album just barely inched out the win over a
release from another My Chemical Romance alum (Frnkiero &the cellabration’s
“Stomachaches”). I’m the world’s worst music critic so don’t expect me to put
into words just why Way’s was better, but the disc found a near-permanent home
in my car’s CD player, until it was put on the backburner for Christmas music. “Action
Cat,” “No Shows” and “Drugstore Perfume” are all worth your time and attention.

Best Podcast: After narrowly losing this category last year,
the boys (and gals) from Bloody Good Horror have risen to the top in 2014. They
celebrated their 300th episode in grand, drunken style, bringing on
nearly everyone who has ever contributed to the show over the course of its run
for a funny and emotional walk down memory lane. They also delivered their
long-awaited third “Spooktacular” live (streaming) event. The BGH crew survived
relocations and babies on their way to a great year.

Best TV Show: Game of Thrones. HBO’s fantasy saga holds the
TV Title for another year. The Purple Wedding. The Mountain and the Viper. It
doesn’t matter if none of this was as good as it was in the books, it was still
better than anything else I was watching in 2014. Although, to be fair, The
Walking Dead did deliver two of its stronger half seasons during 2014.

Best Book: Mr. Mercedes by Stephen King. The only books I
read in 2014 that were actually released in 2014 were written by Stephen King.
Mr. Mercedes was the best. It’s a fun and creepily plausible detective story
populated by characters that will stick with you for a bit after you put it
down. Fun game: Playing Fantasy Casting for the inevitable film version. My
lady friend and I came up with: Jeff Bridges, Mary Lynn Rajskub, “Everybody
Hates Chris” from The Walking Dead and Zach Braff. Beat that.

Best Celebrity: Grumpy
Cat. Who would have thought a meme cat would make an awesome leading lady? Even
less likely was a meme cat being the best WWE Raw Guest host of the year.
Likely or not, both of those things came adorably true in 2014. Also, she made
ten trillion dollars last year. With that kind of green, I’m assuming we’re all
in store for her going full-Culkin next year and divorcing her parents for
stealing her loot. So she’s also likely a shoe-in for 2015 Best Celebrity.

Life Division

Best Food: Sweet & Sour Chicken. I’ve long been fond of
this Chinese staple, but in 2014, we took our relationship to the next level.
Due to spicy food and my digestive system no longer playing nicely together,
Sweet and Sour Chicken booted Gen. Tso’s Chicken as my go-to Chinese dish.

Best Beverage: Pumpkin Beer. The time between Oct. 1 and
Nov. 1 is typically my favorite part of the year. You’ve got ready access to
horror movies, costume-planning and design, fun fall things like hayrides,
haunted attractions, corn mazes and so on. It’s wonderful. Top cap all of that,
it’s the official start of my pumpkin beer season. Now I know, some people
start drinking pumpkin beers in July. Those people are exactly who Sen.
McCarthy kept warning us about. Pumpkin beer is not meant to be consumed before
Oct. 1, when the Halloween spirit really starts kicking in. It’s just the way
the world works. Pumpkin beer. My beverage of choice during my season of choice.

Best Condiment: Ketchup. It’s an
oldie but a goodie. No frills. It just makes things better. What more needs to
be said about ketchup than what famed ketchup baron Mortimer Heinz covered in
his text: “History of Ketchup: Part 1: 1469-2014?”

Best Animal: Cat. Grumpy Cat
bested guy hunks like Chris Pratt and lady hunks like Jennifer Lawrence for Best Celebrity. If that doesn’t tell you why cats are the Best of Animal
of the Year, then you are hopeless and confused and not a nice person. I’m
sorry. That was mean. I do like you I swear. Hmm … how very cat-like of me?

2014 Achievement Award: This is
it, people. The big one. It’s time to hand out the Drakie for the person, place
or thing which had the biggest impact on the universe in 2014. The 2014
Achievement Award goes to … me! Yes, that’s right, I’m awarding myself the
Drakie. Why? I’m glad you asked. About a month ago, I changed a car tire. By
myself. At night. In the rain. In just under one hour. I’d never changed a car
tire before, but I did it. Somehow – possibly due to its proximity to the
holiday season – this success story fell through the cracks in terms of
blogging, but I feel it’s worth noting. I accept this award on my own behalf. I’d
like to thank my co-worker for telling me my tire was flat, my Dodge Stratus
for being patient with me while I worked, my owner’s manual for walking me through
the ordeal clearly and concisely, the roadways of the great state of
Pennsylvania for destroying my back passenger-side tire and most of all, Retro
Fitness of East Norriton for giving me just enough arm and back strength to complete
the job. Thank you and good night!