Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Na-na-na-now they wanna kill me,Cause I acted like a fuckerI seriously need to grow up nowAnd stop acting like a soreass suckerPerhaps maybe I should have allowedTaylor to talk a bit longerMan, I’m regrettin’ it right now,Hope my career don’t suffer

I need help right now,Where’s my publicist now?

On the sauce tonight,Was pissed that Beyonce lost tonight.Jump up on the stage, I'm a douche alright,Cuz I don't give a crap about being politeHere comes, hey Taylor give me that award!Damn, look at me, I’m a real famewhoreI suck ass, I’m immature,Now nobody likes my rants anymore

How in the presence of greatness'Can they boo at me? but neverthelessThis will be covered by all the pressThat I’m bullying the country princessLost my head, went nuts, threw a fit,It was worse than that time the guy from Oasis spitOr that dude from Rage climbed up that sh*tCan’t help it, phony, bein’ a dickPickin’ on chicks, later!

Na-na-na-now I blame HennesseyCan that stuff be any stronger?I gotta go throw up nowCan’t sit here much longerI just don’t understand howEveryone thinks I’m wrongerThan that Lady Gaga blood shitBeyonce changed her number

I need meds right now,Call the doctor right now.

I don't know if my date’s a man or not,Wonderin’ that a lot,Don’t really matter cause I think she’s hotOr maybe that should be I think he’s hotWe like to go to Rodeo on shopping spreesThen go home and check out the latest GleeBut if I had to choose, I’d choose me.Ain’t trippin', I'm caught up in my ego, a’ight?I mean, look at me I’m God-like,A mirror and KY for a good nightSinging with a vocoder on my micRanting on my blog, CAPS-LOCKED keys I strikeCalling people SQUIDBRAINS and the likeDressing like Steve Urkel on his prom nightAll these things makin me aDouchebag, loser, bastard, fucker!

Na-na-na- it’s all over tvAbout how I’m a fuckerThe bitches on the View are saying“He’s got less manners than a trucker”I just had a little outburstThis won’t last much longerIt ain’t like I’m Chris BrownHe probably would’ve clocked her

I need nap right now,I need nap right now.

Seriously, what about that Lady Gaga?And Pink exposing her ta-ta?I think Russell Brand had a bonerBeyonce deserved that honor.

Beyonce deserved that honor.Beyonce deserved that honor.Beyonce deserved that honor.Beyonce deserved that honor.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

As a wise man named Eddie Vedder once said, I’m still alive. Hey yeah., Oh. Oh. I’m still alive.

So who missed me?

Mom?

Dad?

God? Are you there God, it’s me Shithead?

Damn Well, if there is anyone out there, I do apologize for my extended leave of absence. But I have returned because this pathetic slut known as Asshat Hollywood needed a good, hard pity fuck really bad and wouldn’t stop sexting me.

Sometimes you just get in a funk, you know?

So I was trying to figure out just why I’ve had no urge to keep up with the going-ons of the attention whores of the world and the answer came to me in a vision of hair extensions attached to a hollow head standing next to a living, breathing douche the other night while watching “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here.” See, it’s because lately, the only attention whores in the news aren’t even real stars. I know it’s been heading this way for a while, but now they are the large majority. “They” being these people that are really hard to give a real shit about one way or the other, let alone devote time and energy to make fun of. And most of the time, these dumbasses do enough stupid shit on their own that you don’t need to bother anyway. I mean, look at all the news in the past 48 hours surrounding Heidi and Spencer – “Did they really quit the show? Will they come back again? Are they really being replaced? By who? Heidi’s sister? Wait, Heidi’s SISTER? Who? Why?” Who gives a shit about these twats?

And then of course we have the Jon and Kate saga every fucking second for the past few hundred months. It’s headline news. There’s something really wrong with that. Who the hell are these idiots? They actually had a special report on their marriage problems on E! a few weeks ago. Before all this foolishness, I remember seeing Kate once, (once!) on some show about multiple births and I only remember it because she had this big nasty stomach with saran wrap over it and it made me gag and change the channel and then I was really happy because Empire Records was on FUSE and I love that movie (“Stop calling me Warren!”) Now you can’t change the channel (or go online or to the grocery store) without seeing headlines about John and Kate and that thing on her head. Who gives a shit about these morons?! Is anyone even taking care of those children? She’s making Octomom look normal. And there’s another one. And so it goes and goes and goes.

It’s so sad that nowadays anybody can become a celebrity. I miss the days when a person actually had to have talent and star quality and work their ass off or at least sleep their way to the top to become famous. Because lazy, talentless assholes like me respect people like that. But now, you don’t have to be or do any of those things anymore. All you have to do is:

A) Go on a reality showB) Be related to someone famous, someone that was on a reality show, or someone really richC) Take fertility drugs and have a bunch of babies at onceD) Any combination of the above

I guess that’s actually good news for us lazy, talentless assholes of the world because that means that we too can become famous. We all can! But that presents a problem. This conundrum is best explained in the cinematic classic, To Die For, when at the end after Nicole Kidman gets whacked (speaking of, her face never seemed to recover from being frozen in that lake) Lydia epilogues: “Suzanne used to say that you're not really anybody in America unless you're on TV... 'cause what's the point of doing anything worthwhile if there's nobody watching? So when people are watching, it makes you a better person. So if everybody was on TV all the time, everybody would be better people. But, if everybody was on TV all the time, there wouldn't be anybody left to watch, and that's where I get confused." We’re almost there, Lydia, we’re almost there.

Contestants on “The Bachelor”Are called celebritiesAnd Kim Kardashian’s sistersGot their own show on E!

I really don’t understand just howYour face is on my TV nowWhen did you to prove to meYour relevancy?Who in…the fuck…are you?

I can’t resist the urge to shove pencils in my eyesEvery time I see coverage of one of Jon and Kate’s fightsI don’t care about their issuesOr who is screwing whoBut what poor rodent had to die for that wack hairdo?

Somebody tell me how we allowThese twits to turn into cash cowsI have a college degreeBut the Pratts make more than meWho in…the fuck….are you?

Hey you’re not off the hook, yeah you: Susan BoyleI really don’t care who kissed you, or if you dyed your fro

Oh yeah I did

Cuz all I can say is “fucking wow”At all the shit that’s popular nowGoddamn realityBrooke Hogan, get off my TV!Who in …the fuck….are you?

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

I went into last night's episode fully prepared to be let down, because "Rock Week with special guest Slash" sounds way too good for reality to live up to the idea of it. Surprisingly, it did. And then some. The awesome was even awesomer and the suck was the most awesome of all!

I think we all know what I'm referring to, so let's just get right to it:

This is the kind of we've been waiting for! And it couldn't have happened to a more deserving person! Oh Gokey, I'm actually glad you stuck around this long because if you hadn't we'd never have this amazing piece of Idol history! Another plus? We finally learned how to make Paula sit down when she does that annoying dancing along all the time. The funniest part about it all is that Danny thought he was great--he did a fucking victory lap at the end and cheered his own awesomeness. And then once the judges told him how terrible he was, he refused to believe it and said he'd "have to watch it back." Well, he'll have no problem finding it on Youtube:

You know tonight Seacrest is going to ask him what he thought of it when he watched it back. He'll probably attempt some self-depreciating joke that will be so transparent that Scott MacIntyre will stand up in the audience and go "Dude, even I can see through that bullshit." and then he'll say he thought the rest of the song wasn't that bad. And then he will get voted off and he'll have to sing it AGAIN!!! (I'm dreaming on here, I know Kris is toast, but it would rule.)

We have Slash to thank for this. He is totally responsible for this by psyching Gokey out about hitting that note. Slash knows how to use that reverse psychology for his amusement. Like when he used to tell Axl those blazer/bootyshort suits looked awesome and then he'd go laugh with Duff behind Axl's back.

Nearly eclipsing the fall of Gokey was the incredible pairing of Adam and Allison. Try to watch this just once, you can't. Seriously, it's THAT awesome:

The duet of Gokey and Kris- not so much.

Just watch Kris, he's adorable.

Allison killed:

Adam killed:

Kris got killed (by the judges):

Tonight - Slash performs! No Doubt performs! DAUGHTRY (the fuck?) performs! Paula Abdul (hopefully accompanied by an animated cat) performs! The top 4 performs! Then Kris or possibly Allison (NOOO!!) will get eliminated at 10:07 PM.

Friday, May 1, 2009

So this past Wednesday, Idol producers tried to pull the old fakeout on us and make us think Adam was in the bottom 2 and risked going home. He wasn't. He didn't. Matt-in-the-Hat Girard did of course. And America was relieved. No one more so than little Baby Paisley:

Don't forget to vote next week Paisley! It's been confirmed - next week is motherfucking Rock week with special guest mentor:

Hell to the yeah! I wonder if they'll let him smoke. They don't even let Simon smoke indoors!

It has also been revealed that next week the contestants will have two performances - one solo and one duet with another contestant.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Surprisingly, last night on American Idol, the Idols stayed true to the Rat Pack theme. Everyone got all dressed up (except Simon and Randy) in their best formal wear and pretended that Jamie Fox was some kind of a legend and didn't say those things about Miley and can I just stop here for a minute and say that there is a rumor that NEXT WEEK IS ROCK WEEK AND SLASH IS THE MENTOR???????!!!!!!!!!! HOLY SHIT!! It hasn't been confirmed but if it's true it means that the Idol Gods have finally answered my prayers. This is television Reese's Cups for me! Please be true!! Oh my god.

Meaning hopefully she'll make top three (since it's clear Adam and Deadwife are 1 and 2 or 2 and 1, depending on whether dialidol is correct). Because anything less would suck.

DREADED FIRST SPOT:

Poor Kris. Despite gaining momentum these past few weeks, poor adorable Kris was stuck in the suicide spot this week. Even worse, he received good critiques from the judges, however later in the show the judges seemed to have developed amnesia and completely forgot that they liked him. I'm worried for him tonight. (sorry about the poor quality video)

Ok, while searching for valid YouTubes for the remaining contestants, I stumbled upon this awesomeness, so I'm gonna be lazy and let Sir Bitter take over from here with this week's recap:

Tonight's theme on American Idol is "The Rat Pack" and for absolutely no reason the special guest mentor has been announced as Jamie Foxx.

I don't get it. Did he play Sammy Davis Jr. or something? Wait, hang on. No, no he didn't. Don Cheadle did though, was he busy? Cause that would have made more sense. Oh wait, Jamie Foxx is a singer, that's right. He's a triple threat. Ugh. Jamie Foxx is one of those people that annoys the everloving hell out of me. Oh well, maybe he'll go off on another Miley tirade.And am I the only person who can't NOT think of this everytime I see Jamie Foxx?

Pink still don't wanna be a stupid girl. The singer is reportedly pissed with people accusing her of copying Britney Spears' circus theme, with her upcoming similarly-themed Funhouse world tour that will be hitting the states this summer, because her album (also named Funhouse) actually came out before Britney's.

Pink says, "Had I known that certain other people were going to base their latest thing about circus things, I probably would have went into another direction. I was six months before that and didn't really understand that it was a trend that was happening. I'm pretty out of the loop."SOURCE

Also "in the loop?" World's sweetheart, Susan Boyle, with her upcoming Carnival tour!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Speaking of douchebags, the two talentless attention-whoring ones known as Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt will reportedly marry for real this time this Saturday. No word on whether Spencer's creepy-flesh-colored beard will be the best man.

According to UsMagazine.com, it will be a sunset ceremony taking place at the Westminster Presbyterian Church in Pasadena.

So anyone in Pasadena, please feel free to show up to congratulate the happy couple by throwing rice at them.

Criss Angel got sent to the corner for some quiet time by the producers of his Las Vegas show, "Believe," after he spotted Perez Hilton in the audience last Friday night.

Criss stopped his act and announced to the crowd, "I have to recognith thomeone thpecial here in the houth. Pereth Hilton, pleath thand up. We have the world'sth biggeth douthebag athole in the houth!"Perez then reciprocated with, "Thanks for the free tickets." He then twittered (God, I hate that stupid shit!) some mean comments about Criss's show.

The organizers of "Believe" and the Cirque du Soleil Moon Fry has since apologized for Angel's "inappropriate and disrespectful" comments and have released the following statement:

"Cirque du Soleil does not condone disrespectful behavior towards any audience member at any time. Cirque management will address such behavior privately with any of its artists to ensure it will not happen again. Along with our partner, MGM MIRAGE, Cirque du Soleil wishes to extend an apology to any audience member that may have been offended by Criss Angel's inappropriate and disrespectful remarks at Friday night's performance of Believe."

I'm sure that apology includes everyone sitting in the first row who got spit on.

Kim Kardashian posted a message on her blog taking offense to the store Forever 21 referring to her as a "fuller-sized woman" while introducing their new line of plus-size clothing. Only, they never actually called her anything other than a "fan" of the store.

Kim wrote:

I am a huge fan of Forever 21 and I'm very happy they have expanded their line to include a plus-size range, but I am not in that size category and this article makes it sound like I am! I am a curvy girl and I love my curves, but curvy and plus-sized are two very different things. I work really hard to maintain my curves while staying slim and healthy, so to be classed as a "fuller-figured woman" of extra large proportions is a little offensive.

I’m Sorry Kim but maybe you wore a size 2 when you were ten but any women knows that with an ass and thighs like yours you wear a much bigger size. Also maybe you need to take some college courses or high school for that matter; all the article said was that you were a fan of the store not the damn plus size line.

April 21, 2009 5:51 AMtqgucci says: | Reply

I think you need to go to try on a size 2 in case you forgot what a size 2 is, you are NOT a size 2. Sorry but that's the truth.

April 21, 2009 5:02 AMbadeiah11 says: | Reply

YOU ARE A SHALLOW BITCH*ONCE AGAIN YOU OFFEND YOUR FANS!!! BUT THIS TOPPED IT! ALL US CURVY WOMAN LOOKED UP TO YOU!!! AND NOW WE SEE YOUR TRUE COLORS!!**ITS REAL MESSED UP THAT YOU WON'T TAKE TIME OUT OF YOUR DAY TO ADDRESS THIS! We FANS DESERVE AN APOLOGY

kareno8 says: | Reply

My sister and I used to be fans, but no longer.You are NOT a size 2. I am 105 pounds and 5 feet and I AM A SIZE 2.You're not even a size 4 or a size 6. We saw your cellulite get blasted off on TV!

April 21, 2009 2:18 AMkareno8 says: | Reply

we are still laughing at how you say you are a size 2. Also, some plus sized women still work hard to stay slim and healthy. losing weight is a struggle for many because not all have the same metabolism, genes, or cosmetic surgeons (kim).

April 20, 2009 9:03 PMshaydiva says: | Reply

ONE OF UR THIGHS IS A SIZE 2

April 20, 2009 9:33 PMbechiiik said to: shaydiva | Reply

No but what you can do is put a rope around your neck, tie the rope to your roof, get on a chair and then let you fall from it :)

April 20, 2009 11:33 PMshaydiva says: | Reply

I AM A SIZE 2XL AND I DNT HAVE HALF OF THE CELLULITE AND STRECH MARKS THAT U AT A SIZE 2 HAVE! LMAO!

April 21, 2009 3:28 AMM. says: | Reply

Kim, I know you're not 2 smart, but now I see that you just might be "Dumb and Dumber" built into 1! The US article states that you are a fan of Forever 21, not the plus size Faith line. You clearly lack reading comprehension skills!!!

(The last 1 is my favorite.)

I have the best idea for a game show. It can be called "So You Think You're a Size Two" where contestants like Kim, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jessica Simpson, and any other delusional moron who has ever referred to themselves as a size two have to attempt to put on actual size two clothing in front of a studio audience (and America). Tyra Banks would host of course and any(every)one who didn't fit in the clothes would have to yell "KISS MY FAT ASS!"

In other useless bitches with the last name Kardashian news, Kim's two sisters just got their own reality show for some unknown reason.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

This week's theme on American Idol was "Songs From Movies That Other American Idol Contestants Have Already Done a Million Times." "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing": CHECK. "Everything I Do (I Do It For You)" CHECK. "Have You Ever Really, Really Ever Loved a Woman?": CHECK. Yawn.

However fortunately, we have Adam:

I mean, even Rob Halford was sitting at home like "Damn!" Then he added, "Shit, he's pretty hot too. Wonder if I'm too old for him."

The only problem with Adam is where the hell is he going to go from here? I mean, is there more or did he blow his load with this? Guess we'll have to wait and see what next week's theme is ("Metal Night" please!!).

Lil Rounds is about to cut a bitch:

Lil' Rounds responded to the judges' previous criticism about choosing adult contemporary songs by singing "The Rose" by Bette Midler. She attempted to throw some gospel in the middle of it to make it her own, but the judges hated it anyway. Then Lil' finally cracked and delivered a verbal beatdown. Sadly, I couldn't find video of it (the one above cuts off before the judges' critique) but it went something like this:

Simon: "Little, you are not as good as we thought you were. You sucked. Allison is the only girl in this competition that has a chance. Oh screw that too, everyone knows Adam is going to win. So you should just sing Mary J Blige songs until you're voted off because that's your box."

Lil: "Ryan, may I say something?".....:

That doesn't really matter though, because in Lil's favor, she has gained Megan's fans and according to DIALIDOL it's going to be Kris or Matt. (WTF, Gokey's in first place?! What the fuck is wrong with America?)