breast cancer … the good, the bad and the ugly

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the pre-diagnosis

It’s early July and I just realized that I’ve been lied to in my relationship. The person I thought he was, is not who he is at all! I am in shock!! Wow!! How could this be happening!? Somewhere around this time I tell him that I think I have a lump in my breast. I make the appointment to go see my doctor.

Mid July the relationship is over. I’m hurt and soooo angry!!! How could someone be so selfish and heartless. When you are with someone the things they do affect your life as well. Obviously the only person he was thinking about was himself! Being 42 I felt as though this was my last chance to have children. I overlooked things because of my desire to have a family, it completely clouded my judgement. I’m not even going get into the details because he truly doesn’t deserve the energy it would take to write everything. I was however angry with myself for ignoring things and not ending the relationship much sooner!

The following week I go see my doctor and there is a lump, so he refers me to the breast centre at the hospital. I’m scared and still dealing with getting over my relationship ending. Ugh. I go into work a total emotional mess with minimal communication with ex, who by the way gave me no closure! Now totally emotional thinking I have breast cancer because not only was there a lump in my breast but also my left armpit. Why didn’t I go sooner??? So much was happening including the stress of the relationship that the lump had not been in the forefront of my mind until I felt the lump in the lymph node of my left armpit. I wish I had gone sooner. My relationship had turned me into a different person, I was doing things that were out of character for me. I felt so betrayed by the person I was with. He had caused me so much emotional distress that I had lost myself and become someone that wasn’t me at times. The person I am would have gone to the doctor ASAP and checked out that lump. Even if it was nothing because that’s who I am. Never be with someone if you’re no longer yourself with that person.

End of July and I’m at the breast centre seeing the the breast surgeon investigating my lump … All of a sudden the loss of the relationship and my ex don’t matter. He’s a total douchebag (and other names I will not write) and I’m angry but thankful that he’s out of my Life. That relationship chapter is closed! It’s all good there is someone better waiting for me …