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Michael Showalter’s “Jews I Could Totally Take in a Fight” Hit List 2009

Let me first explain that I am not a violent Semite by nature. The necessity for this hit list spawned from an interesting discovery: there sure are a lot of other Jews in Hollywood! If I’m ever to claw my … Read More

Let me first explain that I am not a violent Semite by nature. The necessity for this hit list spawned from an interesting discovery: there sure are a lot of other Jews in Hollywood! If I’m ever to claw my way to the top of that big pile of rabbi gold, I’ll need to slash some hairy knuckles along the way. First, know thine enemy; next, eliminate. (Afterwards, have a little nosh.)

1. Jackie Mason

Who?

The ever-kvetching 1950s stand-up comedian straight out of Sheboygan, Wisconsin.

Why?

Easy battle. Statistically speaking, an able-bodied young man such as myself should be able to take the seventy-two year old no problem. He’ll wail "enough already" in minutes.

How?

My method here is confusion and disorientation. When Jackie asks a redundant question (i.e. "What, you call this a piece of fish?") I will answer the question as if he really meant to ask it (i.e. "Why yes, this is a piece of fish, Jackie"). The ensuing frustration and over-eager witty retorts will exhaust him to the point of surrender and/or incapacitation.

2. Gene Simmons

Who?

Front man of hard rock band Kiss; also known as "The Demon."

Why?

My guess is that God is already miffed with Gene. The blood-spitting, the fire-breathing, the pancake make-up? I’ve clearly got the upper hand as fan "capital F" favorite.

How?

I’m banking on Gene’s alleged thousand-plus beddings to have preemptively tuckered the poor guy out. Five hundred groupies ago maybe he’d stand a chance, but no circumcised seed of Abraham can stay so robust. I will take advantage of his lethargy and kick him in the nuts.

3. Rahm Emanuel

Who?

President Obama’s hot-headed, half-Israeli Chief of Staff.

Why?

Generally I steer clear of Israelis – they are scary strong! – but I make an exception when the rewards are great. Here I’d finally win the respect of Rahm’s brother, powerhouse entertainment agent Ari Emanuel, thereby securing Brad Pitt star status, finally.

How?

Since it would be treason to throw Rahm off with a bogus threat on the White House, I am forced to play this fair and square. My weapon: my quick intellect. He throws a quick right hook-I duck. He chucks a ninja star-I duck. He whips out a sword-I duck, crawl under his legs, bite his ankle, pull him to the ground, and sit on his face. Hava THIS negila, Rahm.

4. Moses

Who?

So-called Biblical hero; had a lisp.

Why?

He’s already dead, it’s not a fair fight, blah blah blah. His loss is my gain, and if the tables were turned we both know you wouldn’t object to his rubbing my fossilized face in Egyptian dirt.

Working intimately with Michael over the years reaps many benefits: a valued friendship, a fruitful professional relationship, and the ability to mind-meld. I am physically able to get inside his head, predict his next move, and do it first. But Michael, you may ask, couldn’t the other Michael mind-meld, too? It’s true, he could – but he’s far too preoccupied with Twitter to remember his meals let alone undermine my efforts to crush him.

How?

Watch Michael and Michael Have Issuesto find out. I mean, I can tell you I definitely win, but I wouldn’t want to ruin the surprise of just how badly I whoop Michael Black’s ass. [Spoiler: it’s pretty bad.]