The Vital Choice

I could feel it happen. Panic and anxiety were taking over. It was late, I couldn’t fall asleep, and I was exhausted and wide-awake all at the same time. I felt the familiar pit in my stomach– the one that insists that everything is NOT going to be okay. I tried some deep breathing, super not helpful. It was getting worse and as my fear was growing my ability to stop it was slipping away. Fear was taking over.

I think fear planted a seed earlier that evening. I was distracted making dinner while my new puppy, Otis, ran around the house tearing things up. It seemed a bit out of control, but I just wanted to get a few things done. Do you know what I mean? When the boundaries start to sleep away for the sake of just being able to accomplish a few little things. Otis chewed at the rug and I didn’t say anything. “It’s not that big of a deal,” I rationalized. He chewed a few other things that clearly fell outside the scope of his toys and I let those slide as well. I had corrected him all day and was exhausted by it. Then it happened. He stopped, squatted down, and before I could do anything, he was peeing on the living room floor. “SHIT,” I thought to myself. I picked him up and we went outside. We both knew it was way too late. I took a few deep breaths and we both came back inside. I put him in his crate and cleaned up the floor.

I felt like shit. I knew better. Things were getting a bit out of control and I just let it get to this point. The fear started to creep in with the simple little thought, “I’m a bad dog mom.” That’s it. That little thought is all it took for the floodgates to open. Once that thought was in there, others started to follow. “If I can’t even handle dinner, how am I going to navigate him with work tomorrow? What about my vacation to Peru this summer? What will I do with him? Who will take care of him? I probably need to cancel my trip AND quit my job. I just can’t do it all. I suck at this. I just suck.” My spirits and joy started to fade. I felt the funk settle in.

I went to bed feeling shaky about my confidence in taking care of this 8-week-old puppy. I didn’t want to mess it up or let him down in anyway. Why was I freaking out over a puppy? How do moms do it? Again, I must really suck. Then my fear started to grow tentacles. One of it’s favorite tapes started playing, the money story. I started thinking about the cost of my trip to Peru this summer, the lingering bills from my ER visit in Steamboat this winter, and a few other unexpected bills. The fear grew, “I don’t have enough money. I’ve been so stupid with my money lately. I make bad choices. I’m all alone. I’m not going to have enough to pay my bills.” And on the thoughts went.

There I was in the middle of the night a complete financial failure and a bad dog mom. As I suffered with these thoughts a different thought came in. I remembered a motivational concert I attended in Steamboat the other night by a dear friend, Todd Musselman. The concert was titled, The Vital Choice, and explored the choice of coming from fear or love. Instantly I could see it, I was choosing fear. While I was struggling to choose out of it in the moment, I knew a way to rapidly shift my thinking– prayer. I started praying. I asked for God’s assistance in helping me to let go of the fear. I asked for peace, grace, and for loving eyes. “God, please help me to see myself and this situation through your eyes,” I prayed. I felt my pain ease and mind start to let go. Before I knew it I was asleep. I slept hard that night and woke up very rested. My mind was at ease and I didn’t feel any of the worry or panic from the night before. I was coming from love.

That morning, my 8am-12pm training session cancelled as did two other clients. I had plenty of time to do everything I need to do. I not only caught up, I got ahead. I could feel God working in my life. I felt so supported in all the things I had worried so much about. Things were in my favor. I also received a referral for coaching and along with three training opportunities. Suddenly, money wasn’t such a worry. Wow, what a shift.

We all have the vital choice in every moment, love or fear. In my experience fear gets me nowhere, is not very productive, is rarely accurate, and creates a lot of suffering. With love, well, I’m learning anything is possible. What would choosing love in this moment look like for you?

1 Comment

Mary
on June 1, 2017 at 4:31 pm

Molly god to see you this past weekend. Otis is adorable as far as parenting welcome to the club. If you ever find the parenting manual on human babies or fur babies please pass it on. Babies come into our lives leave an imprint on our hearts as long as you love them they are very forgiving.