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Sunday, April 30, 2017

It was an interesting week in Muskrat Flats. Everyone was preparing for Graduations, Proms and Christenings. The Odd Fellows at the corner of Petersen and McKernan streets were doing a brisk business selling decorated tins of Iva Bartelby’s famous blueberry muffins from the recipe her grandmother had used when she owned the Muskrat Flats Mercantile over a century ago. The muffins were a tradition as old as the town itself. This time around Iva made a hard decision to do a baker’s dozen because of the size of the tins. Unable to get the tins they usually used, in a timely manner, twelve muffins just didn’t look right so Iva instructed the guys in the kitchen to “Just give ‘em thirteen, boys. Just give 'em thirteen."

Across
town, a family new to Muskrat Flats was waking up, prepared to participate in career day down at
the middle school.

Through Skype Cassidy McFarland grinned at his wife, Tina, from her computer screen.
After challenging him not to watch any porn on his trip to California, She
directed the lens of her computer toward the bed and began batter her eyelashes
and teasing him unbuttoning the top button of her silk pajamas.

“Where
are you from, Ohio? And you’re going to California? Oh you turned your camera
on I guess you find me interesting? Say, you’re kind of cute, what do you do
handsome? Cassidy smiled and said,

“I’m a
consultant. I’m a software designer.”

“Cute
and smart, maybe you can design an app for me big boy.”

He
blushed “Tina, knock it off, I love you, stop teasing.”

“Love
you too, Babe. You gonna be able to hook up with your Dad?”

“Yes!
All he talks about is Shannon. He can’t wait for Summer vacation. .”

“It’s
going to be nice having him back in the area. It’s been a long 18 months.”
Tina said.

Cassidy sighed, “You
know him, work, work ,work.”

"Yeah,
like father like son. Anything I should know about for later? I haven’t met
Mrs. Hardwick yet."

“Yeah
that. umm … She’s pretty conservative for a progressive school. I wouldn’t be
surprised if she voted for Trump. Thanks for covering for me.”

“It
seems like the only thing she knows about me is that I travel a lot. What did
you tell her about me during your conference with her?”

“Well,
she just kept asking about what I do … Sorry honey, I gotta go.” the window
with his image closed.

Tina
simply said, “Hmm?” She quickly changed and went down to make breakfast and
wake up the kids.

Shannon
McFarland sat at his laptop flipping through slides on his power point
presentation. It was career day at his new school today. His mom, Tina, stood in
the doorway of his room drying her hands with a towel, having just cleaned up
after breakfast. She mused to herself, that her fifth grade Projects used to
involve poster board, magazine clippings and multi-colored construction paper.
But, "the times they are a changin’" aren’t they? Shannon looked over his shoulder
and asked,

“Mom,
do you think this is going to be alright? I told them that I was going to bring
Dad in for Career day.” Tina smiled and said,

“It’s
going to be fine honey. I talked to Daddy this morning he’s bummed he couldn’t
be here. I know you wanted to have Daddy there, but he got called away to for a
last minute consultation job in California. Besides, my job is pretty cool
isn’t it?"

“Yeah,
you can say that.” He replied with a smirk.

“Hey
what’s that supposed to mean? I don’t hear you complaining in the summertime
when we are traveling to different cities and different festivals.” Tina said,
with slight aggravation in her voice.

“I
know mom, I’m not complaining, It’s just that …”

“What?”

“Well,
my teacher really was looking forward to having Dad come in, cuz he is the only
father in the class who works from home.

“Oh,
excuse me. And mothers don’t work from home?”

“Mommmmm
… She thinks it’s cool he can do that cuz you travel for work so much.” He
looked away from her and back to his laptop screen, His voice softened a
little as he finished the sentence. Tina’s Mom radar went off. She knew he was
lying about something and her husband was in on it. She said,

“Shannon?! What part are you not telling me? It would be nice if I found out
before I got to school.”

“Daddy
didn’t tell you?”

Daddy
told me that Mrs. Hardwick probably voted for Trump. But I'm pretty sure he left some information out, which you are going to tell me right now.”

“What? How could she not know, your father had a conference with her recently. They
must have talked about it.”

“Actually
… Mrs. Hardwick kept asking Daddy about what he did and working from home.
After he left, she told me she forgot to ask what you do.”

Annnnd?”
He looked down at the floor.

“I
told her I wasn’t sure, but you travel a lot and you make a lots of money.”
Tina began to protest. Shannon cut her off.

“Mom,
she’s a weirdo. I didn’t tell her cuz I didn’t think she would understand. She
always so uptight.”

Tina
thought to herself. “Fucking, boys! It’s bad enough I have to deal with this
shit in the band.”

It
was the Wednesday before Mother's Day. Tina and Shannon McFarland traipsed into
Samuel Coleman Hawthorne Middle School hand in hand encountering a beehive of
activity. A lean blonde haired girl wearing a sash indicating she was part of
the Student Council handed Tina a program of the day’s events. This,
fortunately, wasn’t a surprise she knew she was going to be there for the
duration of the day.

Tina
perused the program. It all looked pretty straight-forward, a typical middle
school event except for the part which read “Student Presentations -
Shannon McFarland Auditorium.

Tina
had dressed in business casual with cotton blouse tucked neatly into a navy
skirt. She had pulled her long auburn ponytail tightly back. She was
wearing a tiny pair of hand crafted dream catcher earrings with a hand blown,
heart shaped cobalt orange and purple dichroic glass pendant which hung below her
collarbones nestled in her slightly exposed shallow valley. Even in this type
of environment Tina always felt more at ease with the top two buttons of her
blouse undone.

As
they walked through the crowd Shannon unhitched himself from his mom’s hand as
a girl he liked came into view. His amorous thoughts were short lived as Mrs.
Hardwick stepped right in front of him.

“Hello
Shannon, and this must be your mother, Tina?” She stuck out her hand.

Tina
accepted her hand, smiling and shaking it firmly.

“Mrs.
Hardwick, I’m pleased to meet you, I’ve heard so much about you.” She noticed
Mrs. Hardwick break eye contact as her eyes darted down to Tina unfurled second
button.

She
smiled and giggled in a nervous staccato manner clasping her hands together, “Well that’s not fair because I know so
little about you. It’s a shame your husband couldn’t be here. I had a
fascinating conversation about his work during our conference. He mentioned you
were out of town on the East Coast working in Boston or Northampton,
Massachusetts?” She delivered in a sing song voice.

“Both
actually. When I travel, I travel.”

“Well,
I can’t wait for Shannon’s presentation and to hear about - whatever it is you
do. I’m looking to the question and answer period to discuss the nontraditional
roles you and your husband have assumed. You must be doing something right,
Shannon, he’s one of our brightest students!” Oh! There’s Jimmy Shumway, his
father is a Federal Air Marshal. With more nervous giggling, she trotted over to meet him.

Tina
looked down at Shannon who was looking up at her with pleading eyes.

“Mom,
If I told you about her, I didn’t think you’d do it.”

“She’s
a handful. Are you sure she’s married?”

Shannon
just shrugged his shoulders.

“Honey,
of course I would do it. I’ll do anything for you. Notice I didn’t ask her who
put Ritalin in her Fruity Pebbles this morning, right?” She pulled him in for a
hug. He squirmed away.

“What?!”

“Casey
is over there watching, Mom. Be cool.”

“You’re
telling me to be cool? I sing in a Grateful Dead tribute band to sold-out
audiences over 150 times per year. It doesn’t get much cooler than that.”

Mrs.
Hardwick was at the lectern. She was brightly illuminated by one spotlight on
the dimly lit stage. She had shoulder length blonde hair, unlike Tina her white
frilled silk blouse was buttoned to the collar and she wore a matching pastel pink
blazer and skirt. A gold crucifix dangled by a thin chain in the sloping
expanse of her cloistered bosom. She cleared her throat

“I
want to thank everyone who has made career day such a wonderful success. Thanks
to Principal Daly for allowing us to expand the program. Thank You to Coley
Blackstone and the Hawthorne Foundation for their generous donation to help us
upgrade our audio/visual and IT department.

Tina
and Shannon sat behind her as she droned on with adulation extending thank yous and
acknowledgments. Tina began to quietly mimic the sing song
meter of her voice as Mrs. Hardwick continued. Shannon squirmed and shushed
her.

“And
lastly we would like to thank, in absentia, the person whom our next student
Shannon McFarland was going to present for Career day, his father Cassidy. who
worked closely with the Hawthorne Foundation providing software specifically
for the new IT equipment. But since his father could not be here today Shannon
is doing a presentation with his mother Tina.”

Someone
in the darkened auditorium shouted, “whoo hoo! Tiiiiiina!” Others in the
audience made a little bit of noise. Tina smiled and downplayed the accolades,
gesturing to the audience with open hands to quiet down.

Mrs.
Hardwick looked at her puzzled, giggled some more but carried on.

“I
present to you Shannon McFarland and His mother Tina.

Shannon
stepped up to the microphone with his mother looking down at him proudly.

“My
name is Shannon McFarland. We moved here from San Rafael, CA about 18 months
ago.” He flipped to the first slide which shone on the large screen. It was a
picture of his father and mother in San Rafael with him and his sister.

“My
dad is a software designer, he is pretty successful and enjoys what he does. He
left the company he worked for a number of years ago so he could work as a
consultant from home and take care of me and my sister. This allowed my mother
to work as much as she needed to because as he says,” Shannon flipped to the
next slide and a close up video of Cassidy’s face who was staring into the
crowd. “Son, economically, it was a sound decision.”

“Even
though my Mom travels for her job, I get to see her a lot. It is cool having
both my parents around so much. So when I hear people say it is nontraditional I
say our situation is about as traditional as a family can get.”

Shannon
flipped through pictures of clans of nomadic people, gypsies, Native Americans;
old pictures of Family run businesses from the early 20th century.

We
are here to talk about my Mom. When we were first talking about career day,
Mrs. Hardwick asked me what my Mom did for a living and I was embarrassed to
tell her cuz she was so hung up on what my dad does. I just told her that
she travels a lot. But, I’m proud of my Mom. She has the coolest Job in the
world. My Mom, Tina McFarland.

On
the Screen flashed - Tina McFarland - Professional Musician.

Salary
Range $120,000 - $175,000

“This
is my mom when she was in college. He
showed a 45 second clip of Tina at Hart School of music where she was a vocal
major singing “Ave Maria” Tina looked at Mrs. Hardwick who was beaming
with a big smile. Shannon flipped to the next slide and Mrs. Hardwick’s
expression changed from one of spiritual wonderment to one of horror.

The
next video was a compilation. Strains of Grateful Dead music were playing
behind a graphic of an animated skeleton hand which shattered into millions of
luminescent diamonds, as the band name Glass Hand Dissolving scrolled across
the screen. There was more cheering and shouts of “Tina!” from the audience.
Mrs. Hardwick looked around distractedly,

The
video prominently featured Tina. who was on stage with a group of musicians who
bore an uncanny both in sight and sound to the Grateful Dead. The guy
playing lead guitar, sounded and actually played guitar like Jerry Garcia, they
all did, they were masters of their instruments. The camera panned across the crowd at
the show. There must have been 20,000 people out there, The video had been shot
at a music festival. The band was playing a funky, mellow version of the song
Scarlet Begonias. Tina was wearing a purple top with spaghetti straps and a
flowered skirt. Her long hair was flowing. She was dancing side to side, a
little more seductively than was appropriate for a mother, Mrs. Hardwick
thought, as the band jammed. Tina began singing her extended vocal jam at the
end of the tune. The video jumped to another venue, this time it was a
clip from a theater on the East Coast where Tina was introducing Bernie Sanders
to a cheering crowd. Another video popped up and showed the dramatic ending to
the song “One More Saturday Night.”

There
was a standing ovation from the crowd at the school. Tina hugged Shannon and
gave him a kiss on the head. Mrs. Hardwick applauded politely with a forced
smile on her face. Tina winked at her, flashing a peace sign.

Just
another day, just another Odd happening. With principles like Peace, Love and
Friendship, the chain can never be broken, no matter what you point of view may
be. Right now my point of view indicates it is time to be -

Muskrat Flats Characters

Coleman Blackstone - aka Coley. The illegitimate Great Grandson of Coleman Hawthorne. The sole beneficiary of an estate built upon a paternity suit filed on his behalf by his Grandmother. Although the richest man in Muskrat Flats, Coley developed a public persona of a homeless hermit. A Native of the Flats, He lives with is dog Chubby.

Gomer Eckstein - aka Gomer Shabbos, Sonny or Sonny boy. The lead singer of the hardcore klezemer band Gomer Shabbos and the Hook Nosed Satans. He is a Friend of Jimmy K's and proprietor of the First Step is a Doozy Jump School at Muskrat Flats Municipal Airport. A Muskrat Flats native, he graduated Summa Cum Loudly Amherst College Class of 1987.

Jeff Nelson - Owner operator of Wake of the Flood Plumbing. He is a member of the Odd Fellows. He is a Friend of Bill W and Jimmy K. In his spare time he blogs and is active in the many pagents and re-enactments which happen at various Festivals fairs and celebration in Muskrat Flats. He is divorced and has custody of an 11 year old daughter.

Jenny Smith - aka Sveltlana or Sveltie. She is the vintner at the Muskrat Flats Farm and Agricultural Museum. She and her staff produce award winning wines from grapes grown and harvested at the museum. She has rugged but pleasant features looking like she may very well have defected from an Eastern European Circus. She is a Muskrat Flats native and a graduate of UC Davis class of 1988. She is an accomplished hula hoop dancer.

Jeremiah Smith - aka Jerry. He is the director of the the Farm and Agricultural Museum. He came to Muskrat Flats for a couple of days on an invitation from Gomer. He fell in love with the town, and a beautiful woman, his wife, Jenny. He never left. He is a graduate of Hampshire College 1987.

Moses Eckstein - aka Moe. A pseudo beat generation writer and musician. He is Gomer's father. He is reaching the end of his road as he has been stricken with cancer. Moe is a writer whose political satire is published in a nationally syndicated column. He is the author of three books.

Samuel Coleman Hawthorne III - aka Sheriff Hawthorne. His family made their fortune in the rum business. A Beacon Hill bred and Harvard Educated lawyer. Sheriff Hawthorne was intstrumental in the incorporation of Muskrat Flats. An Odd Fellow, a prankster and jokester with a taste for Bourbon and Miss Right Now, his vision of what Muskrat Flats should be can still be felt today.

Sid Bartelby - An Odd Fellow and community organizer (as if that is a BAD thing) Last year he organized charitable events which directly benefitted the Muskrat Flats community with over $375,000 raised. He also secured federal grants to establish an art district near the Farm Museum. Sid's wife Iva helps with the daily morning coffee and muffins, which have been enjoyed by many in Muskrat Flats and envied world wide.

About Me

I am a single Dad. I am a chef by trade. I have had a long association with the Drunk Stuntmen where I functioned as a writer for their website. I play guitar, I make glass art and often submit to my bohemian artistic leanings which creates an air of solace and serenity in my life. I front a band called Glenwood Mills. We rock!!