Saturday, July 17, 2010

WANTED

Stunt double for hire!!! How's this for regular? Two blog posts in one day. Must be your lucky day. As it sure as shit ain't mine. So I just tucked the last post in via Facebook update and set off for a potty break. Nothin' too crazy. No boot scootin' or grapevining or whatever. Hell, I didn't even it go it on my own, which yes, for like a nano second actually crossed my mind. Buzzzzzzz! Wrongo! I cripped along via tiny baby steps. First the right. Stop. Then drag the lefty along the carpet 'til it can stand to hold a little weight. Just past the celebrated half way point. Whamo! Slamo! And she's down again, sports fans! Had she been a horse we'd have had her put down years before now. Poor dear!

What I'd hated most of all was scaring my kiddos. By now you'd think they'd have grown bored with it all. And in some ways they had, but, "With the walker, MOM?" Huh? As I struggled to remove my heep of me from atop the crumbling apparatus I wondered what about this fall had shook 'em up any more than th growing number of others. As I cursed the walker somehow trying to cuss it out from under me I realized this had been my first fall with a supposed assistive device in hand. So in conclusion, falling sux. Falling even with the assistance of an assistive device - sux worse. And further . . . you sittin' down for this one?

Falling atop the assistive device into the basement door thus causing it to slam shut and trapping your husband downstairs whilst you writhe in pain atop your walker desperately struggling to remove yourself from your current location in order to allow your nearly panicked hubby up to the main floor to offer you some real assistance **(BREATH)** That, my friends, really, really sux. And the phone starts ringing meanwhile back at the ranch. The boys cowering at my barking orders with my face in the carpet answer it just in time to hang it up per their emerging Dad's new order. Guess his position of standing out ranked my position of carpet colonel. Anyways, sorry we hung up on ya Amelia. Just bad timing. Had you been calling in about the position of stunt double?

It only pays room and board and is hardly worth it considering what bad bruisers I know we are. I hadn't realized how bad mine were blacked and blued until gettin all up close and personal with 'em beneath the glow of the hall light. Nasty! I'm so sick of this shit! Laugh with me, won't ya? It's all I can do. And way better than cryin'! So any takers on the stunt double? You got my number right? Don't give up if we hang up on ya. We're prolly busy fallin' . . .