Subtle bribery

I’m still in full tour mode (next stop Florida!) so to make it up to you for being MIA I’m giving out a signed copy of the UK version of my book and a signed copy of the audiobook (which includes an extra chapter, me singing the titles, and a blooper reel). All you have to do is leave a comment saying whether you want the paper version or the audio version and I’ll randomly select some winners.

The UK edition is a tad more whimsical on the outside. Same guts though.

In other tour news, looks like I’ll be adding a few more cities to the tour so I’ll keep you posted on that.

A huge thanks to each and everyone one of you for supporting me on this terrible and wonderful roller coaster. I know there have been book shortages around, but the good news is that the books out right now are all first editions so if you can find one you’ve got a collectors item. One that will probably really be worth something several decades after we’re all dead.

PS. If you want to buy the UK version it comes out on May 10th and you can get it at Amazon UK, Waterstones, and Independent UK bookstores.

Am about 3/4 through my digital copy… this book is hysterically funny… THANK YOU for making me laugh out loud (emphasis on ‘loud’) in inappropriate places! And for making it very challenging to explain to people why I’m laughing so hard.

I have the ebook – which I am LOVING by the way, I text excerpts to my boyfriend during the day. Example: Me – “Homeless people just ate her pet duck daffodil!” Him – “Ha ha, glad you’re enjoying it.” Me – “EATEN BY HOMELESS PEOPLE!” Him – “Ok…”

I would love the paper edition to give either to my brother who would love it, or to my grandmother who would be horrified by it.

While I want the paper one for myself, I’d have to go with the audiobook. Because I have a friend who needs to read you (for multiple reasons), but she’s dyslexic so reading is a pain for her. So the audiobook will have to do.

Audiobook, please! I’ve read the paper version (LOVED it, and the looks I got from people who saw me laughing hysterically while reading a book in the corner) and audiobooks help me to remain a peaceful driver in traffic :)

I’d love the audio version but even if I don’t win it, I’ll likely buy it.
B&N was slooooow to get my copy to me so I just started reading it a couple of days ago. I find myself hearing your voice as I read, Jenny. It’s funnier than my voice anyway. Loving the book—I can’t remember laughing this much at anything I’ve read, ever. I may start using “Jenkins, you motherfucker!” as a random curse or punctuation in conversation. It’ll be awesome to watch people’s faces as they struggle to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me!

So yeah, a first time for everything: commenting! Just came to say that your book is now available in the Netherlands (audio, digital and hardcover) on bol.com. Maybe some other Dutch folk reading this care to know. Or you might. I’m buying it, obviously. Yaaaay.

Audio!! I finished the book in less than 12 hours so now I need something to listen to while I drive!! (and have all the other motorists on the morning commute wonder What in the HELL is wrong w/this chick?)

I would love the audio version. I pre-order my book moths ago. I haven’t seen it come in the mail yet.
Are you going to come to Chicago to do signings?
Hope so, also, I hope I have my book by then. hehe

Audio . But if I win give it to someone else. I don’t want to be greedy .
I can not stop myself from commenting. Free is my version of waving a red flag in front of a bull. Bought your book. (you would have to know me to appreciate what a compliment that is.)

I want the audio version due to my ability to focus long enough to actually read. plus, i’m sure you have a GREAT singing voice :) also, i have 4 kids. so i could use some awesomely vulgar language!
Alisha

I would LOVE to have the audio version. That way I could listen to it in the car, or the tub or I could play it for our 19 month old to get her started on the right track! Everyone needs to learn to love and appreciate The Bloggess from a young age!

that UK version is SERIOULSY whimsical, but i think i’ll go for the audio, ‘cos it’s just awesome.

i’m still Pretending to be Awesome… thank you for that HUGE piece of advice at your SF book signing!! i’m not writing a book, but a Master’s Thesis, which is probably just as scary. But that advice is hugely helpful. Hugely.

Oh my god, I want the paper, because that cover is glorious. Also, I don’t think I can order from Amazon UK from the States, can I? I know when I lived in Japan, you had to have a Japanese shipping address to place an order.

Will the audio be available for purchase sometime? Because it, too, sounds amazing. :)

i love that you’re just above jim lehr on the gaithersburg book fest site. my librarian friend told me you were coming and i was **thrilled** until i remembered that i’ll be about 38 wks preg at that point, and the book fest is *just* beyond the 1 hr leash my dr has me on.

i mean, unless you want me to have my baby in line to get your autograph :) then you could just sign my kid :)

OHMYGAH…Is the Gaithersburge event just a signing or will you be reading and saying stuff too? I don’t mean JUST a signing but in addition to the amazing event that is a signing, will you be saying stuff too?

Just pissed my pants when I saw the added Maryland stop. The good news is that I’ll be there. The bad news is that you owe me $600 for the ergonomic desk chair that’s now covered in my pee.
(or the paper-version book)

Audiobook, please! I just finished the hardcover today, and would love to hear you narrate this story yourself. Seriously still peeing my pants over here……..between your marriage proposal, and the laxative story, I thought I would die.

Paper! I had to go to the hospital 2 nights ago after reading the first 4 chapters of your book. Really. Apparently intense laughter can trigger contractions. But they managed to stop the early labor, and my husband has confiscated your book for the rest of my pregnancy. Which is good, because I was totally considering naming my son “Jenny” if he were born that night.

Although that is one sweet cover, I’ll take the audio version because I already have the book, which I can’t stop talking about and now my family thinks you’re starting a cult. Which you totally should. When you’re done touring.

I would totally give up my eternal love for Sean Connery if I could have the signed UK book. Also? I would have my cat stuffed and given to you if you would add an Atlanta date to your book tour. I mean, he’s not dead. Yet. He’s a really crotchety, confused 14-year-old Snowshoe who like Doritos and biscuits with honey. But, as soon as he kicks off, he’s yours. If you come to Atlanta. Otherwise, no dice.

Luckily i’m in England so i’ll get that when mine arrives can’t wait!! An audio version would be cool tho especially good for the journey to work. Sure you don’t want to.come visit here in good old England? I know a few fans who’d love you to sign their book!? :-)

Paper, please. Also, can I just say I’m sitting here wondering how in the hell you’re coping with the tour. I mean physically and mentally. I would be a total basket case. I’m such a baby when traveling. I need to go to bed early and not see people until the last possible moment. I’m tired all the time and I eat too much because I’m not at home where I can control calories. That sort of thing. How are you pulling this off? Aside from brushing your teeth with Clearasil, I mean.

Hi! I just finished reading the book today and I loved it! I enjoyed reading the book during my commute and laughing like a maniac in the subway while people looked at me funny. I am not ashamed to admit that I also cried a bit in one part while I was walk-reading on my way to work. I have loved you for years and now I love you even more. Big hug.

Audio would be…different. I don’t generally like listening to books but you’re totally different and it seems like that would be an awesome experience.

On a side note, you’re going to all sorts of weird states where I forgot people actually live there, but New England loves you too! Even if we never get to see you, I guess just know we totally love you.

I would LOVE the paper version! That cover is awesome! I just found out that you’ll be in my hometown (Gaithersburg) but I wont be here that weekend and I’m pretty upset about it. A signed version would be out-of-this-world awesome!

I would love either one of them….and thank you…for making my entire DAY every time I read your blog. Today…I read the chapter on the post-it notes you left for your husband. I cannot stop laughing and people at work are looking at me strangly.

Me me me mememememememe please! That would possibly help to make up for me missing your Dallas book signing. I would love to have the audio version, pretty please/thanks. I love that cover but I already have the book and would LOVE to hear you singing the titles and the blooper reel! And the extra chapter! Yay!

I would adore the paper version, but would accept the e version. I’m hoping you come to Denver. I’m broke (on disability) so I haven’t yet bought it. WOULD LOVE SO MUCH TO WIN IT! It would make me tremendously happy! YOU HAVE NO IDEA! Also, I had a panic attack earlier today, and thought of you and felt not alone. Thank you. <3

PAPER!!!!!!!!
But.. I would forgo it if you would come to Canada. I would like it even more if you would come to Toronto, to my house, in my bathroom. We can hide in the tub together. I make good wine slushies and my hubbys a chef so he can slip us food under the door.
Please, will you come to my bathroom.
xo

Oo! Mine’s a signed first edition. Now it’s extra special. :-) Friends of mine are totally going to squee that you’re coming to Maryland. And to Gaithersburg, not less. Needless to say you’ll find friendly faces to welcome you there.

Print, if there’s still a running to be had. I really love the font on the cover. :-)

Oh I was thinking it was more like… tentacles than guts… but either way… it’s interesting. My dearling celestial sister managed to get me a copy of your book, signed by you of course, in San Antonio. Next best thing to seeing you IRL of course. So that’s the long way of saying I’d love the Audiobook ;)

am i unable to enter said contest because i live in Ireland and not the uk because i would like the paper version to keep me company during my hour long poo that actually only takes 2 minutes but i can never quite make myself leave because the quiet, serenity and dampness of the loo makes it feel like a cave that I could forever hide in to forget about the weirdos lurking outside the door.

as enticing as all the extra perks of the audible version are, I shot my wad on my new life here in France and don’t have a player. I would love a paper copy and I’d probably wet my pants if it were signed.

(hey that paper version might come in even handier …)

I remember you when …. did yourself proud, girl. and all of us, too. xx

This is sooooooo hard to decide. I want the dust jacket of your UK book, I love the font of the title and your name. But I really like hearing things in your voice – so I chose the audio book. Pick me, pick me, pick me! P.S. Listening to your read a chapter at your LA stop (with Soliel) was really a treat.

Paper please! The cover is sooo fun! (But as much as I reallly really do want it, I already have a signed US paper copy and a signed audiobook, and a signed “put a bird on it” bag, so maybe you should give it to someone who needs it more than me… plus in my head you are my best friend so i totally win)

Audio!! While the UK cover of your book is awesome, who wouldn’t want to hear you singing chapter titles & a blooper reel? Also, it’s unlikely that I’ll be able to get to a signing, cos I’m pretty sure you’re not makin’ it to rural Virginia…

I would love to have the audio version. The book is awesome. You have no idea how many people I’ve recommended it to already. One immediately bought the Kindle version this morning after I sent her the links to a couple of your stories!

Come to Seattle!!!!!
Paper please :) (Imagine that said with a snooty British accent; not a normal, working class accent, but some high falutin’ snobby accent. And I’d like a scone with a side of clotted cream please. I expect that comes with all UK versions.)

PAPER!!! Man that UK cover is cool. Why are we North Americans so boring?!? Sigh. Oh well, it’s what’s inside that counts right? And *that* is funny as hell. Your book is getting me through bad patches with annoying co-workers. But my colleague across the hall keeps having to ask if I’m crying or laughing really hard. Usually it’s both: crying from laughing so hard. Thank you for this wonderful gift of laughter! (And yet sorry if I’m laughing at you, but you made me do it.)

Tulsa! Tulsa, Tulsa, Tulsa! Come to Tulsa! Also, while the Brit cover is awesome, I neeeeeeed the audiobook ’cause I’ve never seen/heard a blooper reel for a book before. That and it is so going onto my iPod.

After reading the book electronically, I’d love to hear the blooper reel. I’ve told my best friend if she doesn’t buy it soon, when I visit her in July I’m bringing a copy because she just has to read it. An audio copy would be an even better gift :-)

I’m sooo bummed. I arrived in Dallas last Thursday when you were doing the book signing, but I arrived too late to go. :-( And now you are doing one 4 hours from my house (in Miami), and I can’t go because of kid’s activities. Don’t you want to “swing through” Orlando, FL so I can get a signature, too?

Want paper..please..pretty, pretty please..*sad-puppy dog face*I looked out the window today and saw my 70 something year old neighbor groping his 50 something year old (supposedly gay, but guess not) ‘friend’..I could totally use your book instead of eye-bleach.

Audio!! Audio!! However, I worry if listening to it in the car would cause me to have an accident from laughing too hard while also yelling at my GPS to stop judging me. So maybe the paper back would be better. Safer, maybe…I don’t know. I’ll leave it up to you.

Audio, all the way. I need to add a little (more) dysfunction to family car trips. It’s good for my kids to see what happens when bladders get old and are pushed to hysterical limits. Builds character. And, it’s really embarrassing to a 12 year old boy to see his mom pee her pants.

I would love the paper version ! This way I will have it to pass down to the next generation! I’ll find something dead and stuff it if i am chosen! or I’ll have my nephew stuff for you, he is good! Bribery works both ways!

the UK version is so pretty! but i have the US hardcover and am dying to know what’s in that bonus chapter. plus I think your voice is sweet. And I imagine the only thing that could make your stories funnier would be you reading them.

I almost threw my laptop and cancelled all plans on May 10, I couldn’t believe you were coming to Lansing! And then I read it was Skype (insert sad face). I suppose I could settle for the paper version of the book though to soothe my sadness.

I would LOVE to have an Audiobook! Having you read it will make me laugh even harder. And I couldn’t listen to it in the car and be laughing my ass off and freak people out. And then they would try to tune into the station they think I’m listening to, but they can’t because I’d be listening to you on my audiobook.

Oh, it looks like someone had fun with the fonts on the cover of the UK version. I approve. I would love to have the UK book. (Not that I’m not curious to hear your audiobook. Do you have a UK version of your audiobook with you reading in a British accent?)

Could I please have the audio version? I’ve already preordered the uk print copy months ago so then I could listen to your dulcet tones in the car as well as read them. this also means that whatever happens I’m shortly going to be reading your awesome book so its win win for me anyway!
Also having the audiobook would enable me to make others listen to you and I can continue my campaign to make sure as many people as possible know how awesome you are!

I NEED the paper version. Also, Augusten Borroughs ??? SERIOUSLY?? I adore him.
Also? Please come to Gainesville FL. I wish I could tell you it’s amazing and wonderful…wait, I CAN. Because I LIVE HERE.

I’d give my left arm for the audio version, please. Also? I love you. You’re so pretty. Still choosing randomly? After all that sugary sweetness I just poured on you there? I didn’t think so. :) So thank you in advance. It’s our secret. *wink, wink*

I would love to have the audio version.I was so bummed that I missed seeing you when you came to Austin because I had a raging migraine that day (making it the 6th out of 7 days that week – and people wonder why I fight depression too).

Oh! And I just found a lady who is making me a ring that will say, “Never give up.”

meeee meeee meeee!!! :) I’m so proud of you! I LOVE YOUR BLOG and I can’t WAIT to read your book!!! Paper is the new…err…old…uh… I would love and cherish it no matter what society is deeming paper books these days :)

I would prefer the audiobook, but would love either. Since you apparently shun any locations that aren’t famous for being sunny, looks like this is the closest I will be able to get to having you sign something for me.
I would make a comment about lady gardens and excess rain or something to dazzle you with my wit, but I know my husband already questions the wisdom of my having access share my crazy with others via the internet. I will instead just cross my fingers and back away slowly, in a non-threatening manner.

I would LOVE to have the paper version!!! You are so frickin’ hilarious, I about pee myself everytime I read a blog of urs. Thanks for making me think I need depends. Have fun on your tour, sorry I missed you in Houston. :(

I would love to have the audio book! I have the book…my awesome husband bought it for me for my birthday ;)
I now read it out loud to my husband and kids!! Would be so much better if you could do it for me…lol!

Before you turn into a hermit, please come and do a book signing in the UK, you’re awesome! My bathroom isn’t that big, but you’re very welcome! No taxidermy though… and no ghosts, but you could go and visit the London Dungeons and I bet there’s some super cool stuffed animals here too!

I’ll be there on Friday with my bestie to meet you in person. SOOO Excited!!
Anyway, AUDIO Please, cuz that way I can listen to it instead of having to
talk to my husband!! Totally worth it =^..^=
LOVE you and what you do!!!!!

Audiobook, please. It would make my drive to and from work so much more interesting. :-) And I could laugh aloud at your hilariousness instead of screaming at the other drivers. I can be that crazy person laughing and singing alone in her car.

Here’s a thought: UK book tour? I will be in London and Edinburgh in June. I would come to a book signing and hold up crazy signs and shout at people on the sidewalk that they HAVE to go in and hear you read and do all sorts of other supportive stuff if you make it over there. Also, I’ll take you out for a pint afterwards. And I would be happy to win either, should I be so lucky. But, frankly, I would be even happier to take you out for a pint.