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Best Advice Ever. Seriously. Ever.

Stumbled across a new blog today and I freaking love it. The Bloggess is wicked funny and guaranteed to make you laugh so hard you’ll spurt milk out your nose. Now that being said, I will warn all my conservative friends and family members that her blog(s) do feature certain words that rhyme with “duck”, “thit”, “mouche”, and “assknoll”. (you’re trying to figure out what curse word rhymes with “mouche”, aren’t you? I’ll give you a hint… vinegar truck, water truck, vinegar truck, water truck, vinegar truck, water truck…. _OUCHE! Okay, it’s not really a “curse” word.. enough time spent on the obvious). So don’t say I didn’t warn you!!!

Below is a sampling from her Advice Column:

Dear Bloggess, my loathsome sister has invited herself for Christmas lunch WITHOUT TELLING ME – only my parents (thus meaning if I don’t accept her, they won’t come), any idea how I can shoot her in the face without it distressing the rest of the family or getting blood on the walls? ~ firehose

Dear firehose – Keep in mind that Christmas is about family and generosity and that your sister is a part of your family. Welcome her into your home with love and generously hand her a delicious plate of food. Congratulations. You just became the bigger person. But make sure the plate you give her is the one you’ve been sitting on bare-assed all morning. Also, hide all your extra chairs so she’s forced to sit on the beanbag chair, which is so low that only the top of her head pops over the top of the dinner table while you’re all eating. Then tell her how happy you are that she could come, and not to move too much because you keep your pet snakes inside the beanbag chair so that they can hibernate through Christmas because the holidays depress them.