Yesterday, I was having a conversation with another SIer and a couple of the things we talked about are recurring topics – especially for the newly betrayed wife. After DDay, we take such a hit to our self-esteem, and question what it was about the other woman that was so attractive to our husbands? Why did they get the best parts, when we were left with the worst? The truth is, that is not how this works. She is not more attractive. She does not get the best parts.

What’s is attractive about the OW is that they are the sickest, the weakest, the most injured of the pack. The insecure WH, wanting to feel strong and powerful, scans the herd for the easiest to kill. The self assured, the strong, the healthy will not do as those women want nothing to do with a married man. Our wayward husbands, needy and looking for someone to boost his ego, must look for someone beneath them, someone who will look up to him, someone who will make him feel superior, if only temporarily. What better way for an insecure person to feel powerful, and admired, than to pick the least of the bunch? The fact is … they always trade down. If she happens to be prettier, or thinner – it’s just pure luck that the wrapping is worth more than the gift inside. What’s inside, is no match for you. You’re beautiful, and faithful, strong and possibly the mother of his children. The truth is, the OW could be anyone, anyone slow enough to be caught and willing to accept what little our husbands had to offer.

She accepts the very worst parts of our husbands; the liar, the cheater, the deceiver, the broken man. His behavior is lower than low, but that’s okay with her. She’s accepts trashy behavior, because she is trash. She has no self-esteem because she knows her value … her value as the weakest, the most injured of the herd. She accepts his cheating ways and lowlife behavior because she knows her place in the pack – and it’s at the end of the row. Bringing up the rear, it’s just a matter of time before someone singles her out, and uses her for his own selfish reasons in his quest to be admired.

So what happens when we catch him with her? Most often he leaves her where he found her, at the end of the row, at the back of the pack – even weaker and more injured than when he found her. She’s worse for the wear. Trust me, it is her self-esteem that is eroded, not ours. After all, she wasn't able to keep him even considering he was in a "loveless, sexless" marriage to a "cold-hearten woman." Because isn't that the way it always is? How pathetic that she's given the answer to the test, gave it her all, and she still failed? Self-esteem erosion 101.

Retake your position at the front of the pack. More often than not, it’s you he’s fighting for; it's you he's sorry for; it’s you he’s trying to be a better man for. Regain your strength. Retake your rightful place.

Betrayal hurts, I know. Boy, do I know. But remember, when they find someone weak enough to have an affair with, they always affair down.

True happiness is found in unselfish love, a love which increases in proportion as it is shared. ~ Thomas Merton ~

Posts: 290 | Registered: Aug 2009

moonlightdragon♀ MemberMember # 8331

Posted: 6:52 PM, November 17th (Tuesday), 2009

just what I needed read today.. thank you :)

BS (me) - 30
WH (him) - 29

D-Day Friday the 13th November 2009

In R moving forward :)

Posts: 52 | Registered: Sep 2005

annb♀ MemberMember # 22386

Posted: 6:52 PM, November 17th (Tuesday), 2009

This is so, so true.

After I discovered the A, I realized OW could have been ANYONE. It had nothing to do with her personality, her education, her looks. It had to do with her willingness to take the remnants of someone who is not hers. The remnants......

She stroked his ego. Period. They had nothing in common except the sex chatter online. Nothing but chit chat. Absolutely nothing.

OW sold her soul for the morsels she would received from my WS. Morsels........They talked over the internet, but she lived across the country and they didn't even "know" each other. It was superficial nonsense.

In my situation, OW was not prettier, she was not smarter, she thought her BIG BOOBS were her special prize. Too bad she didn't know, something only a wife would know, that my WS is not a "boob" guy, he loves arshes.

OW thought my WS was her KISA. She meant so much to him that on D Day he threw her under the bus and NEVER LOOKED BACK EVEN WHEN SHE DESPERATELY TRIED TO MAKE CONTACT. She was the LEAST OF THE BUNCH.

And that is who most OW are, desperate, self-loathing. Willing to have little snippets of time with another woman's H.

Posts: 8019 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast

Debs♀ MemberMember # 21933

Posted: 6:53 PM, November 17th (Tuesday), 2009

yehh I feel so good now.. true in our case too! But what does that say about our WS???

I lost my heart and found myself!

Posts: 804 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Orange NSW

lost_in_space♀ MemberMember # 24302

Posted: 7:03 PM, November 17th (Tuesday), 2009

Thank you so much for this.

I'm gonna copy it and keep it to reread on days that are rough. In fact I might start my day reading it for a while so it permanently sinks in!

DDB, you are dead on. I so needed to hear these words tonight. My wh had his A with his college girlfriend. It just eats at me constantly. Did he really love her all this time? Did he settle for me and has been stuck here with his 2nd choice for 14 years?
Your post helped me see for a minute that she truly is sloppy seconds. She is the one who got the shaft. He didn't marry her. He dumped her back in college. He just can't handle growing up and hitting 40. He wanted to go back to his youth with his trashy little gf from 20 years ago. She was trash then and still is. DDB, you are my angel tonight.
(((DBB)))

[This message edited by LisaReg at 8:23 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)]

BW (me)
WH(him)
"So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains
And we never even know we have the key." The Eagles