11 failed IUIs, IVF #1- miscarriage, FET #1-nada, IVF #2-triplets but we lost them all at 9, 18, and 21 weeks in 2013. When all hope was lost a friend stepped forward to be our gestational carrier and carried in our twins... 2 years later we decided to try for one more baby with me carrying again...this is our story

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Update #3-Meeting with Maternal Fetal Specialist

October 26, 2013

As you can imagine, the last few days have been an emotional whirlwind. As reality sets in, I can't help but find myself in tears often-the fact that I'm on complete bed rest doesn't help with the racing mind. My sister made the little image below in honor of her future niece and nephew. Thanks Heidi.

Yesterday Darren, my mom, mother in law, and I drove to Oregon to discuss everything with a specialist. He was young and incredibly positive and friendly. Here's what went down:

1. The ultrasound:
First they went to Brinly. Still shriveled up in fetal position. "There is hardly any fluid" the tech says. She does as much anatomy as she can on baby Brinly and then measures the amniotic fluid. There is 1.18 cm. She said "normal range" is 3-8 cm. There was something in there allow a grave amount.

Then she goes to my sweet baby Jude who is 100% perfect. He was a little wiggly, probably wondering what is going on downstairs (he is high up in my stomach) and his anatomy was flawless. We saw his eyes. We feel in love more.

2. We meet with the Dr.
The Dr. had a huge pile of papers and info. He said he had 3 options for us:

1. Complete termination (suprisingly most people pick this route which is why there are not much studies on it). Most cases are done in singletons (not twins) and because of all the risks to the mom and fetus, most people pull the plug. Obviously this wasn't an option and he said he wouldn't bring it up again.

2. Selective reduction. As mentioned, a few studies have shown the sacrificing Brinly's little life could give her brother a better chance because as long as she is alive, I will continue to leak fluid which puts all 3 of us at very high risk of infection. However, he was not doom and gloom about her like the OBGYNs at the hospital-he said although low, she could make it. Darren and I had decided that we wouldn't even discuss reduction if Brinly had a .01% chance. We crossed this option off the list.

3. Option 3 is what they call expectant management. I stay on bedrest, drink tons of water, and come in for weekly check ups to check on babies, check my white blood count for infection. It's a huge up hill climb but we try to beat odds by making it to 24 weeks (43 days from now). They will admit me at 24 weeks and then get really aggressive about delaying labor. Here is the reality of the situation:

1. Brinly is at huge risk for 3 things: her lungs may be incredibly messed up that she dies the minute she is born (we decided we want to leave that in His hands as He is the giver of life and death, but we want to give her the best chance) he said this is 30-40% chance, 2nd risk: because of lack of fluid, sweet baby girl can't wiggle and move and stretch. She will remain crunched up in a little ball and would need physical therapy for a couple years but can bounce back. Lastly, because of lack of fluid my umbilical cord can crush her and kill her in the womb.

2. I have a condition called PPROM when the water breaks WAY to early and like I said, it happens in .7% of pregnancies!! So random its me but that's life. Unfortunately, when the water breaks this early, most people go into labor within 2-28 days. I just have to sit here, day in and day out and wonder if I will go into labor. I hate this. I can't control it. Some people hold out for a long time, while others can't hold on at all. It's totally up to God and my body. As mentioned, if I do go into labor, we will massively pray that I only deliver Brinly-sometimes they can keep the other twin in.

3. Since I have to try to hang on for 6 more weeks to hit viability, the risk for infection is high. Since baby Brinly will keep producing fluid and it will keep leaking, we are all at risk. The second I get an infection, they force me to go into labor to save my life and my future fertility. (Obviously this is the worst casenario in our minds). Although its not protocol, the DR. gave me antibiotics which I am so thankful for.

So, main prayer requests:1. That I don't go into labor2. No infection3. That God miracously fills Brinly's sac (he said it happens in 10% of these situations)
The doctor left me with a recent story:
He had a surrogate whose water broke at 19 weeks. Same situation-almost no fluid. She went on bed rest, took antibiotics, and held out to 24 weeks when they admitted her. She was in hospital for 10 weeks and delivered a HEALTHY baby girl at 35 weeks with no complications. The situation is rare, but he just experienced it.

I really fill called to choose to be positive (not my nature after the years of failed treatments). It's sooo much easier to be negative, prepared for worst, to think about the seriousness of the situation BUT I've read there is something your body does when you shift to "fight" zone. I WILL carry these babies. We will make this. We have to believe that God will use this platform to perform a miracle until otherwise proven differently. I'm scared and I cannot express the crazy love I have for these babies, but we will fight for them till the end whether it's today or in 3 months. Thank you for all the emails, prayers, comments, flowers (Lost Stork), and support. Please keep praying for Brinly and Jude.

BLESS GOD I am SO HAPPY to hear you saw the specialist yesterday and have not gone into labor. I was even wondering about antibiotics and thrilled to see the doctor gave them to you. Thinking of you so much - we will pray for you every single day! Much <3 for Brinly and Jude.

Holly, thank you for being so strong and brave on behalf of your sweet little babies! You are making the right choice by hanging in, giving your babies a chance, and trusting God. I look up to you so much for the way you are handling this incredibly tough situation. your babies are so Lucky to have a mom who will fight so hard for them! God bless you, Darren, and babies! We are praying so hard for you. I cant help but think of you guys every sevond of the day, hoping your babies are holding tight. Stay strong! We love you. - Christy Palmer

I have never believed more that both babies are going to make it!!! 10% in my eyes is huge!! Just hold on! There's so many prYer warriors covering you! Just hold on!!! Much love for your family!!! I'm standing in faith your babies are going to LIVE!!!!!

Praying for you and your family! I agree and feel that 10% is pretty good odds considering the situation... best of luck to you and all my blessings! I really, truly, pray that this will all work out for you.

Oh Holly! I've been checking for an update every hour it seems. I'm so glad that the doctor was a little more optimistic! We're praying so hard for you and your babies! Thinking of you and praying for you constantly!

I'm praying for you, Darren, Brinly and Jude <3 I've marked my calendar (Dec 7th), 43 days from today. You stay positive and strong for your babies! We'll hold your hand and pray for you. I have been checking every hour as well. I'm praying hard, remember you are not alone.

Hi Holly, I don't know you, but I found your page through a friend's facebook page, and I have been praying, crying and believing with you. I am a fellow PCOS-er, and a fellow sister-in-Christ. You are a blessing and an encouragement to me, and I have sent up prayers and tears to God on your behalf. I will continue to do so. With love that only God gives from Wande Elam.

Holly, you have always been a driven stong person. God has given you such an inner strength at such a young age, you still have that since God is within you. You are a fighter and when obstacles have come your way, you hit them head on. You can do this!!! I will pray against any thoughts that are not ordained by God. Satan comes to kill and destroy but God brings abundant life even in the most difficult situations. We are so proud of you and you are being a huge inspiration of strength to so many. Keep the faith, God will not let you down and wherever He leads, He is there to sustain. Love you Holly & Darren :-)

Holly, I know your cousin Karissa Seim from our church. I saw this on Facebook. I want you to know that I am praying these verses over you: "Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill His promises to her." Luke 1:45 "For this cause I bow my knees unto the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, of whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, that he would grant you, according to the riches of his glory, to be strengthened with might by his Spirit in the inner man; that Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height; and to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God. Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen." Eph. 3:14-21. I am also praying for your precious Jude and Brinly!! I pray for Jude to continue to grow strong and I pray a miracle over Brinly's whole body. Hugs to you my dear sister in Christ.

Consider looking into the potential benefits of Amnioinfusion and if it's something you would be comfortable with, talk to the MFS about whether or not it would be something you could try. So many prayers for you and your sweet babes!

Holly, I pPROM'd with my daughter at 18 weeks, a singleton, unforunately I did not have a good outcome however through that experience I have met NUMEROUS women who pPROM'd earlier in their pregnancies and after who had miraculous outcomes. There is a GIGANTIC group of them on Facebook. They support each other through bed rest and all the ups and downs of pPROM.

Recently a woman shared her healthy 8 month old twins. She pPROM'd with one at 16 weeks. Made it to viability and beyond (I can't remember the exact week right now).

Where there is life, here is hope.

If you're interested in joinging it, email me and I can get you in! clovecg (at) gmail.com

Holly, I don't know you but I learned of your story from family friends. Since the news of your pregnancy I've had you on my mind, and since the news of the latest water incident, I've followed your blog. Thank you for your honesty in your journey. I've gone back thru some of your posts and am amazed at your openness about it all. I've been married for many years and never had children. We thought we'd leave it alone - not pursue it but also not deny it. I never got pregnant and this summer we had the surprise of a lifetime. I've never been so shocked, happy and hopeful - but at 11 weeks into pregnancy, we found the babies heart had stopped - just as I was going to announce the good news to the general public. My heart has been broken since. I'm 'older' - not old and don't know what the future holds. ;-) So I go between hoping again for a miracle, and going back to the place of this is our life as it will be. Reading your blog is interesting to me to see how you've faced the journey. And I thank you for your strength and for your perspective on this journey. So for now, all I can do is pray that you WILL get your miracles. Not one but 2 healthy and lively babies. I'll be following your journey - because as far as I'm concerned - you all WILL make it. There IS hope. And you are not alone.

I will see them both thriving and doing well.Right where the babies are God is, all s in Divine order.Surrounded by God's Love release and let go og fear and worry ..Just trust and have faith. and so it is.

Good to see your update and love your hope and faith in the Lord and what He can do - start doing confessions over your body and commanding it! (google christian confessions for pregnancy or threat of miscarriage) - There is power in our words!!!! Praying for you!

Talked to your grandma Sargent this AM. I am thinking and praying for you through out the day and night.I am so glad God is in control. Praise God for all the wonderful entries in your Blog. So interesting and positive.Jan Danielson

Holly & Darren,First of all, I am so glad to hear that their is a glimmer of hope for the babies. I have literally been in suspense thinking about you guys since I saw Darren's post on Facebook that your water had broke. Meanwhile, I read through most of your blogs and I just wanted to say a few things:1. Holly, you are an incredibly strong woman- I really don't think most women, including myself, could have gone through all you've been through the last almost 3 years. I thank God that you are so brave, patient, and persistent because that will pay off immensely in child rearing!!2. I pray that you would be the small percent of couples that delivers these babies healthy despite all the insane circumstances. God will have His way and He will be glorified no matter what happens. Keep the faith!3. I am so proud of you for going public with your journey- as I'm sure very few people knew what was going on until now. I think God is already working through the lives of everyone who is following your story!

Hugs and prayers for no labor, no infection, and continued protection in the womb over Brinly and Jude. In Jesus' Name... Love, Ian, Karina, and Nehemiah

Hi, I saw a link to your blog on Facebook. Know that I am praying for you and those precious babies and your husband as well. I pray peace and strength through this trying time. I am a fellow PPRom-er and am hurting with you. Know that there are a lot of support groups on FB that relate to pprom, if you need us we are there.Blessings to you.

I have been checking for an update (I feel like a stalker ;-) ) and I was thrilled to see that it wasn't a grim one! I have been praying for you all and will continue to do so! stay positive, keep your faith and let God work his miracles! God bless you all!

We are still praying for you here in Dallas.Heavenly Father, we lift this family up to You. You are the one who formed us in secret, who knows us intimately. We ask in Jesus' s Holy name that you move in power and save Brinly. Thank you for all that you have done and that Brinly is still with us. We ask for peace and strength for Holly and Darren. We ask that You fill them with your love and spirit in these times. As it was in the beginning, and is today, You are God and You are good and we place our hope and trust in You.. we ask all these things in Jesus' s name. Amen.

Prayers love and hope from my family to yours! I have been so excited for you that I am at a loss for words having checked in on your blog today since Friday... I still excited for you as I just feel in my heart that you will all be okay and that you and Darren will hold these babies in your arms and see them smile at you! Stay strong and positive! God Bless!

Holly your mind set is amazing! The power of positive though is amazing. Right up there with the power of prayer. I continue to pray for your family daily! You are an inspiration and you truly helped me to change my mindset to one of positive energy instead of negative! Continuing to hold you all in my thoughts!

You are sooo right on about fight mode! When I began bleeding at 9 weeks with Angelic, had to lay in bed-flat, only aloud to go to the bathroom & told to expect to see baby pass, I was determined to see this baby thrive & alive! It had only been 3 weeks prior when I laughed in the Drs office, realizing i was pregnant. I felt strongly this child was my hope for renewed joy & wouldn't let her go. It only took 3 days for the bleeding to stop but the Drs didn't want me to come in for an ultrasound to see if baby was still alive for 3 weeks, because of the dangers to me with the huge blood clot. I was never told how long I'd be on nearest, just that they'd keep checking every 3 weeks. They didn't want me out of bed as much as possible. I had to play the waiting game every 3 weeks, them telling me I may not have a living baby & I could go into labor at anytime & possibly bleed to death. (The blood clot was the size of a lunch plate in my uterus, right next to Little Bit). I understand the mind plays of waiting & just holding on through faith. Though I can't say I can totally relate, because i had my 3 blessings & you're still in the midst of waiting for your blessings to be able to be held. I'm sorry you've had an incredibly hard road to get here! You're an inspiration to me as a Mother & as a woman of faith! I'm proud of you & am standing with you in faith believing that you will have healthy, happy, thriving twins!!!!

I heard your story and wanted to share a similar story with a positive outcome! Recently, a friend of a friend was preggo with twins and her water broke at 17 weeks. They also suggested selective reduction but she refused. By Gods amazing grace, she kept both babies in until 29 weeks and they both just came home last week after 8 weeks in the NICU! I will continue to lift you and your babies up in my prayers daily!

Holly, I didn't even know your blog existed until a few days ago. Now, I find myself praying for you and your babies constantly and checking your blog to see if any update has been posted. Yesterday, our preacher touched on 1 Peter 5:7 and it immediately made me think (and pray) for you and your situation. "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." I know it's so much easier said than done, but try to focus on Him. He loves you and cares about you and is doing everything according to His plan. I pray for a miracle for you and your babies, but I know that no matter what the outcome, God is holding you and Brinley and Jude lovingly in His hands. Cast your anxieties on Him. Focus on the Maker and I hope He eases your anxiety and your fears. Praying so hard for all of you. I know my God is big and absolutely nothing is impossible for Him. :)

I am a complete stranger... Just came across your blog thru a friends facebook post. I will continue to follow your blog and pray for all of you. I too went thru infertility with our first born, so I know what you are all going thru. Lots of praying and believing in GOD! We now have four children, we struggled to get pregnant with our first, ended up doing IVF after numerous meds and unsucessful IUI's. After our first was born, we were blessed with another baby exactly 2 years later with no help, no meds...nothing! 18 months later we welcomed identical twins again with no help,no meds! GOD is good! Stay positive! Will be thinking and praying for all of you! GOD BLESS!

I have seen you all over the blogosphere and finally got around to checking out your story. Wow, I am beyond sorry for all that you are going through. My heart goes out to you. I promise to pray for you today whenever you come to mind, which I'm sure will be often. God is a Healer. I will hold out hold that he will heal and protect you and your sweet babies.

I'm just so desperately sorry this is happening, but I continue to pray and have faith that God watches over you all and that it is His plan that you all progress safely through this. So so so many prayers!!

Holly, I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I know how scary this situation is and I pray that you feel God's warmth during this time. Please let me know if there is anything you need or anything I can help you with. I will be praying for all four of you.

Hello, I recently found your blog via a friend on Facebook and your story touched my heart. I will be praying for you and your family. I wanted to share a small piece of my story with you in hopes to bring some comfort. I recently have birth to a preemie at 34 weeks and I know that's a "good" gestation age for him to come but getting him there was no easy task. We had many complications but the one I want to share with you was at 28 weeks while laying in bed my water broke. It was so surreal. The next few days were filled with no sleep, tears, and so much prayer. Like you I felt hopeless in the sense that I could not protect my baby and being on bedrest was no good because it gives you too much thinking time. However, because of other complications we had we had prayed and claimed our son Oliver would be born and he would grow healthy. We prayed he would be born at Gods appointed time. For days I prayed and while In a hospital bed I became positive I worshiped the Lord I thanked him for his goodness and in the wee hours of the morning one morning I turned on my cell phone and played a song From Hillsong and as the lyrics played "we are not shaken we are not moved as we wait upon the Lord" at that time I no longer cried because I was not going to be shaken my water breaking did not surprise God he knows every detail of our ins and out and I claimed life over my son. A few days later I was sent home by everyone's amazement I had resealed. I was the first patient of my dr to reseal and he has been in practice many many years. So do not be shaken or moved wait for the Lord to guide you and trust Him for HE is too holy to fail. My prayers are with you and those little ones praise your God for their life.

We are praying for you here in Des Moines! Whether you realize it or not your experience reaches beyond those who fight to carry babies and suffer loss. You are a testament to hope and faith and courage. God a has purpose for your little ones.

My Bucket List:

Meet the Bensons

Hi! I'm Holly and Darren is my husband. We have been married 5 years; after our 11th fertility treatment in 2013 we lost triplets (2 were stillborns in the 2nd tri). It nearly destroyed us. The day I delivered my son a friend emailed us and offered to carry some of our biological remaining embryos. The transfer was a success and we had twin boys born almost exactly a year-to-the-date later than when I delivered my son. If I'm not blogging about our journey, I'm teaching high school Spanish, drinking Starbucks, hanging out with family, eating candy-and then working it off at the gym. If you ever need to contact me directly you can at hollybenson10@yahoo.com or if you want to see more into our daily lives, my instagram is hbenson10

How Long We've Been At It:

JB

Babies in Heaven

We have had two miscarriages and 2 stillborns (born 3 weeks apart). I'm 50/50 on naming the early miscarriages but it gives me a sense of peace and reality of their lives. In heaven, I will call for them.

Jaden lost 11/2012 blighted ovum (my sister gave me the idea for this name, it means "God has heard" and he had because it was our 1st pregnancy)

Isaac lost 8/2013 everything was perfect and then stopped at 9 weeks (my sister is law gave me this idea. Isaac means "laughter" and everyone's first reaction to us having triplets was laughter)

Stillborn daughter born 10/30/13

Stillborn son Jude born @21 weeks 11/17/30

Infertility Treatment Journey

Me: 31 I have mild PCOS and ovulate very randomly (I respond to femera and on that have normal cycles)