Monday, November 12, 2018

10 Ways to Celebrate the Trolley's Ribbon-Cutting This Thursday

This here Loop Trolley is going to be loads of fun (if you're a mean-spirited bastard, that is it to say).

They're finally cutting the ribbon on the Loop trolley this Thursday — although, in classic Loop Trolley fashion, the thing may not start running right away after that. Trolley impresario Joe Edwards told the Post-Dispatch only that opening for service is "down to a matter of days, not weeks." Yay?

10. Drive your car to the Loop and park it in the middle of the tracks the first day the trolley (finally) opens for business. Walk away and watch the hilarity from your perch atop the Moonrise. You may get towed, but you'll definitely make the news! (send tips to: tips@riverfronttimes.com)

9. Dress up like a bandit and rob the train, then escape on a Bird scooter. If Joe can have his old-timey fun with other people's money, why not you?

8. Get the local media to publish panicky posts about the NEW DANGER IN THE LOOP! Are your KIDS going to be run over by the latest KILLER TREND to sweep St. Louis!?!

7. Contact the Silver Sneakers Club at U-City's Centennial Commons and ask if they'll venture outside to speedwalk the trolley course and beat the car to the first stop. Go, seniors, go!

6. Tie a lady up and throw her on the tracks, then have a creepy-looking guy stand next to her twisting his mustache and laughing maniacally. As we revisit the past, it's important to be sticklers for historical accuracy.

5. Get a half-dozen people in those inflatable T-Rex suits to chase it down Delmar while a flashmob of Jeff Goldblum lookalikes chant, "Nature, uh, finds a way."

4. Convince people on both sides of the street to turn their backs on the trolley as it passes. An old-fashioned form of transportation like the trolley will have no choice but to leave town after a good old-fashioned Amish shunning.