Life, Love, Spiritual Living and the odd Catastrophe…..

What’s the Safety Word?

“It is an absolute human certainty that no one can know his own beauty or perceive a sense of his own worth until it has been reflected back to him in the mirror of another loving, caring human being.” ― John Joseph Powell, The Secret of Staying in Love

Everyone has heard about the ‘safety word’. The safety word is the serious-I-mean-it-now time-to-stop word. The word the ‘client’ arranges when he visits his S&M bondage person so he doesn’t accidentally get himself killed during the ‘play’.

What I wonder, is the safety word when you’ve had enough of the ‘merry go round’? I’m referring to that time when you feel you literally cannot face another minute of the hurt, the pain, the torment, the abuse, the depression, the………. (just fill in the blank).

It almost sounds like the beginning to a play or a movie script. The notes followed by the story board before shooting begins. Except it isn’t part of a fictitious film, instead it’s a serious and real part of life. Not the calculated gambles people want to take with their fetishes or fantasies. If something goes wrong there then you almost have to say – ‘they knew what they were getting themselves into.’ But what happens when life pushes you too far?

Talking to people is easy. For some reason I’ve been fortunate that people find it easy to talk to me. I’ve been told many things. I’ve been blessed by sharing the good news of a daughter’s engagement, a son’s engagement, marriages, the unhappier news of divorces, accidents, windfalls and tragedies. It may sound strange to include windfalls as part of the unhappier news, but for many people it hasn’t brought them the happiness they hoped for. Sometimes yes, but many times they have found themselves in a much worse place than they were before their good fortune.

Sometimes there simply are no words to express how you feel. Sometimes you need to rely on a hug or holding someone’s hand and send them strength because there is nothing you can say or do to change things. Having to tell someone their child, husband or wife is dead is one of those times. Words just aren’t made to let people understand you feel their pain.

I had many talks with ‘Sharon’, a lovely lady who was always putting herself down. She simply couldn’t believe she was good at anything she did or that she was wanted or needed by anyone. Despite having a good job she was convinced she was stupid, since her husband continually told her she was. Even though she had two children she couldn’t persuade herself that there was any purpose to her being there. She convinced herself that they would be better off if she was no longer around.

Sharon took a bottle of pills and curled up waiting for the end to steal quietly over her. Her husband came home early and she was rushed to hospital. Unfortunately she didn’t get the help she needed and her unhappiness and feelings of low self-worth grew. Her husband helped her with that part. When she finally left him he embarked on a calculated plan to undermine her self-confidence and she found herself spiraling further down that dark hole.

She moved and I lost track of the family for a while. In trying to out run the influence of her ex-husband she isolated herself from everyone who knew her. She avoided anyone he knew and anywhere he was likely to go. There was nowhere for her to turn to. Her children moved out, as they do when they finally grow their wings and she fell into a deep depression. Depressed or not she still managed to work.

I met her again a short time ago. She often spoke to me of her struggle with ‘The Black Dog’, but being alone it was too difficult for her. She began trying to out run her problems. She would drive day and night when she was not working until she finally fell into a stupor to get some rest. But you can’t roll those dice for long before the stakes get too high. It’s almost like putting your hand in a basket of snakes and expecting not to get bitten.

Sharon told me she didn’t want to leave her children without some kind of support. She didn’t want them to be dependent on their father to “look after them”. Years later he still influenced how she thought and she didn’t trust him to do the right thing by his children. So her game of Russian roulette on the roads didn’t seem to make much sense on one hand, but knowing how her ex-husband had eroded her self-worth, it did.

It felt as though she was holding on by some tenuous thread and at times I wasn’t sure she really heard me. She did see a doctor and get medication, but it was going to be a long haul back.

Sharon died in a pile up on the motorway. She was on her way home from her mother’s funeral. A drunk driver had lost control and ploughed into the oncoming traffic. Her car was hit head on.

What was Sharon’s safety word? I can’t help but wonder if she had a safety word. Who could she have called out to, so that she could stop the merry go round? If she had a safety word when should she have used it?

18 Responses

Yes, everyone should be given one of those. A Safety Word so the Black Dog’s in this world can be held at bay…for at least a little while…so that a friend or family can hold you, say it’s ok because they love you for who you are, and give you some space, just a little, so you can breathe again and know they are there.
Beautifully written Susan, may there always be a ‘Safety Word’ there, in those you love! Namaste

My safety phrase is in a special box for “emergency messages.” It’s a long phrase. It says,” When you are feeling, hopeless, powerless, selfish, foolish, disappointed or otherwise bad about yourself and your situation, remember this: You will come out of this. And you will have ideas about ways to move forward.” But sometimes, screaming or being hugged is even better.

Interesting post Susan. What caught my attention was that Sharon died at the hands of another person, in the way she had been trying to do herself, ‘accidently.’ I’ve had a few thoughts on this over the years. I believe that when we are at our lowest and want to die, the universe listens and presents it to us a few years later. Usually when we don’t want it. As you well know I’ve had more than my fair share of near misses, and most of them have come when I’ve felt better about life. Crazy but it’s just a thought. I don’t have a safety word, my body just stops working. 😦
Laurie. xoxo

Scary thought at the end there Laurie. I think maybe its a reminder that we have to make sure our thoughts are on the right track all the time. Easier said than done at times but, I’ll have to practice harder.
Susan xoxo

OK – when the Bogey Monster is jumping out at you I guess he gets such as shock at you telling him “It’s always Ok” that he runs off? lol
Seriously, it’s a great attitude, but I don’t think it would have helped my friend.
Susan x

Sorry Susan. I would never be so glib as to think that would have helped your friend. I’ve been there, not for the same reasons, but I’ve been there, and it would not have helped me then. It only helps me now, and for reasons of synchronicity that I couldn’t begin to go into, but because of deeper meanings that I believe God sent to me at the right time. It’s O.K., even though my son is going through some other problems that I can’t go into, even though we thought my brother-in-law might die this month and flew out to see him, even though my husband has numerous health problems that are too much to go into here — yes, it is O.K. and I am truly O.K. with that — for me. 🙂

I’m so sorry Suzi, I didn’t mean to come across as lecturing. I had no idea of course of your problems and if it helps you to cope I am so happy for you. I truly hope things gets better – as much as they can and that you can weather the storm.
Prayers and Blessings.
Susanx