Pranks 24!

Almost a month since the last installment - I bet you thought I was abandoning everyone's favorite column. Not to worry, though: we sense the popularity and will keep the pranks flowing.

Today I was thinking about being a rogue youngster in the Garden State, my old stomping ground. We pulled some funny stunts, but few were as slick as a lot of the pranks in these articles. Of course, I'm too old for this by now. I only mention it because I hope that you take advantage of the resources in front of you. Just keep it legal, doglegs!

I would ask you to read the archive before making a submission -- I've covered quite a bit of ground already -- but I ask that with every installation and nobody pays attention. It's not like I don't enjoy emailing with readers, but¿

Regular readers should know the next section by rote. After all, I haven't changed it since Pranks I. I typically frown on this kind of repetition, but it's important stuff and there's no better way to say it.

If you are an idiot, then don't try the more elaborate pranks. Stick with something simple like a warm summer's eve of ringing and running. (Or ringing and standing if you're a real jackass.) And if you do get caught don't try telling mommy and daddy that "some guy at IGN" suggested you try whatever you tried to do and failed.

Common sense goes a long way with these pranks. If your doughy ass hasn't walked a mile in years, then don't try to rock a prank that entails a fast escape on foot. If you get fired on a Tuesday, then don't try to clog up the toilets at work on Wednesday. And, most importantly, be careful what side of the law you're on. I envy the legal position of a lot of you minors. Once you turn 18 a lot of these pranks won't be so funny to Johnny Law. So get it while the gettin's good.

Have fun.

Swamp Thing

My mom was telling me about something she saw on the Home and Garden Channel. Basically, if you mix ordinary moss, buttermilk, and beer you end up with a solution that will grow moss. Apparently you can paint it on any surface and it will get fuzzy with some time. They used it to grow moss on rocks, but you could use it on anything: a neighbor's rarely washed car, a friend's door, a playground, etc.

Anyone know the legitimacy of this claim? It doesn't seem implausible, as that's a nasty and volatile mixture. If it works, then you could go nuts and do it all over the place. Plus, it's only moss. If someone flips a lid they can just spray it off. Great for beginners.

Pancakes or French toast?

Go into your vic's refrigerator and take their syrup. Empty it and then refill it with motor oil! Return the syrup to the fridge. They will wonder what went horribly wrong with their syrup next time they reach for the Log Cabin.

An outstanding submission. It's highly doubtful that anyone would eat it. As soon as it pours out they'd smell it and realize that something was wrong. However, it's such an odd substitution that they'd probably be somewhat confused for a bit.

Like to Play a Game?

This one works well at somewhere like Circuit City, where people are selling computers but don't know dick about them. Simply right click on the desktop, click properties, and click the little password protect button. Now just sit back and watch some moron from the store try to use the computer after the screensaver pops up. Occasionally you will come across someone who knows computers and they'll simply restart the machine if they don't know the password.

I suggest a slight tweak. When you're setting it up, shorten the time for screensaver activation as much as you can. That way you won't have to wait long to see your work go live.

Big Sticks

This is one of the many post-party homophobe-busting pranks. Simply take egg whites and put them on the victims and their sheets, clothes, or whatever's available. Leaves a nice protein stain and adds to the confusion of the night before.

For those of you unfamiliar with this line of thinking, the general idea is to pull a prank on a passed out homophobe. For instance, a couple of passed out jerks that've been giving folks a hard time. It can involve a lot of setup work, i.e. placing two passed out fellas in a bed or fold-out, but it's worth the investment.

Brownie

Take a dump on a piece of aluminum foil. Wrap up the turd in the foil. Leave the turd underneath the vic¿s passenger side car seat. It rules because there's no mess, just a stinking, fresh, steaming loaf in the dude¿s car that will reek for days. Eat corn the day before.

That's the spirit: Ruin someone's afternoon, but not their car. Stuff like putting sugar in the gas tank is simply illegal and dumb. This is much better.

Beer Foot

Get a bunch of empty twelve packs (the prank is funnier if you drink the beer) and line them up on a sidewalk. When people walk by yell, "Kick the box!" Most people will kick the boxes just for the hell of it. Now wait for a neighborhood jerk and tell him to kick the last box. Beforehand, put a brick or rock or something in the box so they hurt their foot.

Another prank with many variations. Just don't put something too heavy in it. A friend of mine broke his foot while falling for this prank because he really gave it his all.