Pages

Monday, September 23, 2013

Church a couple weeks ago was about hate. Say what? In fact it was about hating everything: family, spouse, ourselves-you name it; any and everything except Christ. In Luke 14:26 Jesus says, "If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters-yes, even their own life-such a person cannot by my disciple." A bit radical there, Jesus. But He has a point to make.

Then, the following week I was talking to my sister-in-law, Sarah, about wanting a baby so dang bad. She said something along the same lines (less radical!) but still that above all else I need to want Christ. Yep, even more than I want a baby. Of course, she offered lots of support along with it, but that is what stood out the most to me. That, is the point Jesus is trying to make in my life.

Seems to be a theme the last couple of weeks. Just looking back at those days just two weeks ago and hearing the same message from two different places (and Sarah goes to a different church, so she didn't hear it at Zion) makes me again see Christ at work in my life.

This last week, I have had a peace. No, I am not hating everyone and everything in my life, I am simply spending as much time (and hopefully more) praying, begging, etc. for a stronger faith as I am for a baby. Wow, what a difference it makes.

I wasn't sure about sharing all of this because I never want to offend or step on anyone's toes. But, I realized that a few months ago it was really clear how God was opening doors for us. Everything seemed to fall into place and it was clear to see Jesus working in my life. These days, as things have been more of a struggle, it was so nice to see God still working in me through others. It was just a reassurance that whether I like it or not, I am right where I am supposed to me. God has a plan for my life and He is teaching me while He comforts me. Talk about having peace.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

"But for that very reason I received mercy, so that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display the utmost patience, making me an example to those who would come to believe in him for eternal life" (I Timothy 1:16).

On Sunday during church, I have no idea way, but during the Epistle Lesson this verse just stuck out to me. It wasn't even what the sermon was about, but the last few days I have not been able to get this verse out of my mind.

I'm ready to do away with the walking on eggshells. Not so much for myself, but everyone around me. Yes, I still have rough days, but I am healing and happy again. Last night I was running errands with my mom and I told her how before we were matched there was this excitement of what's coming. We had no idea when we would find a birthmom, but everyone around us was just thrilled with us. We were always picking up little baby things, day dreaming about life with a child, etc. Since our placement has fallen through all of that wonder, hopefulness and daydreaming has been replaced with fear, sadness and especially eggshells. I told my mom how Michael and I are trying to go back to that innocence. In every possible way, that is where we are. We don't know what's to come, we don't know when we'll have a baby, but I want that hope and excitement again. Too my surprised, my mom said, "I'm so relieved! I see baby stuff all the time I want to pick up but I didn't know if it would be too hard on you or make you sad." Eggshells. Well, just as I told my mom last night I am telling everyone now: We are OK! As I said, some days are a struggle but most of the time we are trying to daydream about our future and pray with hopeful (rather than sad) hearts. God is good and good things ARE coming our way.

"Jesus Christ might display the utmost patience, making me an example..." I could be totally off here, but I left church a little disgruntled with God over making this verse stand out to me. At one point I remember looking up at the sky and saying, "I don't want to be an example...especially not of patience..." But, I do. I do not mean to toot my own horn here, in fact as I write this I am becoming more and more uncomfortable. I just have found a little teeny tiny piece of understanding in that I have had more people talk to me the last 11 months about my faith than ever before in my life. This adoption journey, the ups and downs and in-betweens, has given me a platform to share God's grace, love and yes patience, in my life.

How in the world can I be doing OK? Yes, I have had someone ask that...and here is why:

I have been blessed. Michael and I have amazing parents, grandparents, extended family, some of whom are like a second set of parents, (Yes G & G Spiva I mean you! :) ). We have siblings that are some of our best friends, adorable nephews, a Godson who we adore, good jobs where we are surrounded with people who care not just about the work, but us, the greatest friends ever, sweet pups...the list goes on and on...

So, that is why I am OK. God has blessed us in so many other areas in our life, and we need to be doing a better job at thanking Him for that while we prayer for a child.

I will try to continue to be honest and heartfelt in all I say, if you promise to stop walking on eggshells...

Thursday, September 12, 2013

So, tomorrow was supposed to be our due date. It's crazy, I know for sure she is already born, we knew she was going to come early. But, even with that in mind, just thinking of tomorrow makes me cringe.

I really believed that by now, I would be a mom. I saw myself exhausted after MJ's 48 hour shift, or feeling bad the pups weren't getting as much loving...I really had thought of it all. All day with all this flooding going on I was thinking about how no matter how bad the roads were, I would have thought we'd be racing to the hospital.

It is all bittersweet for me. I know most everyone can understand the bitter, but the sweet? Well, I desperately want this chapter in our life to be over. I want to go back to my innocent excitement, before we were even matched. My fear of the unknown but overwhelming trust in God that good things are coming our way. So, to me, after tomorrow it is over. It will truly be time to accept it and move on.

Even as I sort through my emotions, I know that God is there. I am hesitant to share these struggles because the last few weeks Michael and I have kept most of these moments private between us and God. Which, ultimately, is right where it needed to be. But, with that I also know that there are others in my shoes who I have never met, that follow this blog because they are close to where I am, maybe a few steps ahead or a few behind but nevertheless, this isn't uncharted territory to them.

Regardless, God is good and He is where we should seek comfort. He can heal me, us, and that is truly the only answer on tough nights.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33