How To Talk To Your Man

3 ways to handle the tough stuff

Stop us if you’ve heard it before: Healthy communication is imperative for a lasting, satisfying relationship. Sure, that’s not exactly breaking news—but new research reinforces just how vital it is to be open, by demonstrating the devastating impact of being closed off.

A team at the University of Missouri surveyed 155 married couples, asking each individual how well they identified with and described their feelings, as well as how robustly they communicated those feelings to their spouse. Survey participants were also asked to evaluate how lonely they felt in their relationship, and to rate the overall quality of their marriage.

As it turns out, those who admitted to having trouble with emotions also felt lonelier than their more attuned peers. What’s more, spouses of the poor communicators were also more likely to feel lonely, even if they were good at expressing emotions themselves.

An extreme inability to describe and convey emotions is called alexithymia, and the condition affects around 7% of the population. But no matter how mild your emotional disconnect, the tendency to close off can take a toll on marriage. If you need an extra push to be upfront with feelings, consider these tips on managing common relationship scenarios from Patty Ann Tublin, PhD, a relationship expert and author of Not Tonight, Dear. I’ve Got A Business To Run.

Here's what to do when...

...You feel jealous of his new colleague. Jealousy is usually an indicator of a larger issue—whether a lack of trust in your partner, or your own insecurities. Either way, address it immediately—before the problem spirals out of control. The key? Just don’t be accusatory. As long as there’s no clear reason to think he’s cheating, frame it as a personal concern, Tublin suggests. Say, “Maybe it’s just me, but I have a hard time when you grab lunch with her. Should I be worried?” This way, you’ll initiate a dialogue—without starting a fight.

...You feel angry that he didn’t do the dishes last week. Oh, and he forgot to pick up the dry cleaning. Again. Keep this in mind during your next disagreement: While multitasking can certainly be a good thing, that's not the case when it comes to addressing an issue with your mate. Mention your most recent concern, but don’t overwhelm him by bringing up a situation that took place three months ago, says Tublin.

...You're thrilled that he woke up with the kids and let you sleep in. Alexithymics have trouble expressing positive emotions, too. But it’s easy for anyone to take her partner for granted, especially after spending years with the same person. Remember to acknowledge and thank him when he does something thoughtful—and don’t assume that just because he knows you love him, he doesn’t need to hear it, Tublin says.