Hoping that he had delayed death as least as long as his nut-Purgatory, thus allowing him to do television well into the 21st and 22nd century, Dick Clark died unexpectedly Wednesday due to a fatal heart attack experienced while having fantastic old peoplesex with his wife. He was 82-years-old and 839 days post-puberty.

Upon the news of his death, his handsome corpse was given the Bob Barker treatment, since Clark had donated his testicles to science. In fact, he specifically wrote on the application: Take the nuts; leave the rest.

The rest of his body was cremated on 4/20 to symbolize eternal youth. It was also notably the birthday of Adolf Hitler, another power-hungry individual who had a testicle removed.

As requested in his will, his ashes are to be poured over Times Square partiers as confetti on December 31st. Not only is this last New Year's Eve blowout for Clark questionable in appropriateness, one notes that his cremation also completely ruins those episodes of Futurama in which he voiced his own head in a jar. Particularly, the pilot episode.