Pop Culture . . . whatever

Teresa is pretty sure Gia is going to be a star. She takes her in for some acting coaching and while in the waiting room we are treated to some fun. I don’t think Teresa understands what a stage mother is and honestly, I don’t think SHE is one. Stage moms are usually very driven and put their own needs/wants/intentions first. I don’t see Teresa like that. She sees her child as one of the most beautiful and talented beings to ever grace the planet and she is proud to show her off. I can’t even fault her for that. It’s really sweet.

While waiting with the other parents she makes conversation….or she tries to. She casually says that Gia is trying out for a Christian Slater movie and asks if anyone else is going for that. The woman next to her takes an appropriate stage mom stance; eyes buldge, nostrils flare, leans slightly toward Teresa before she says “Yeah, we are.” with the slightlest bit of a threat laced in there…somewhere. Teresa senses the danger but she is confused by it. Usually when a woman acts like this it is because they are protecting their man. Teresa is out of her comfort zone so she dismisses it and begins to talk to the room in general and to no one really. She tells everyone that Gia doesn’t need prepping and she memorized her lines quickly. It was really bragging because Teresa just thought this was information that other parents of aspiring stars might relate to. She goes on to share her child’s interests and mesmerizes the room with amazing details. She then says she is not a stage mom, which I happen to agree with. I don’t think she is. I really believe that if Gia said ‘I don’t want to do this fashion show’ then she wouldn’t do it. Teresa worst mothering trait is to allow her children to dictate far too much.

We see a bit of Gia’s lesson. She is a cute kid and in the right role I think she would be great.

Chris was given a promotion at the Brownstone. Anyone can see that this family has worked hard to make this business a success. They might have a lot of money but they earned it. I like that the family works together and shares in the fruit of their labor. The kids are being trained to work and will likely have a role in the business someday. What’s not to like about that?

Danielle’s scene last week not only served to show her as a complete ASS and that NO ONE is out to get her. Nothing happened to her at the Brownstone! NOTHING.

Jacqueline went to the Salon and of course Kim G (nice lady) appeared at the same time. I am sure Bravo had nothing to do with the timing. It was just a coincidence. Right? Kim wants to talk about Danielle and says she is SO DRAINED- then the baby interrupted. Jacqueline doesn’t want to talk about it but Kim G insisted. Finally J opens up and says a few things that are all pretty accurate. Kim G is far too sane to hang in Danielle and not see how NUTS she is. For some reason she ends the conversation saying that she still wants to give her a chance. WHY? Is she in a Bravo contract? How much is dignity worth these days?

Kim G throws a birthday party for Danielle. They have professional make up artists getting them dolled up. Kim begins to criticize Danny for calling Chris a “faggot” and says that Danielle could have made a better choice for an escort. Danielle informs us that she is a GAY ADVOCATE. Stop right there. What the heck is a gay advocate? An advocate that happens to be gay? Is Danielle gay? No, I don’t think so….so??? Danielle then explains that it’s ok to call someone a FAGGOT if they are not really gay? **checking my name calling handbook** Nope, nothing in there about that loop hole. She then tells us in her personal interview that she was offended when he used the term but she was being “protected at that moment and was in the LIONS DEN.” Protected from WHAT? From not having a choice table to sit at during a charity event? Did Danny protect her from DONATING at the event because she sure didn’t do that. Did Danny protect her from making an ass out of herself? No, he didn’t.

Kim calmly says that Chris is her son’s best friend and she expresses her disapproval for Danny’s actions. Pause…then Danielle comes up with a whole new angle: Shame on his mother and father for not being out there, knowing that I was arriving and he has to deal with that on his own. Shame on them.”….Wow…Does she hear herself? They knew SHE was coming and should have done…what? They let their son do his job and they are wrong for that? THEY should have been there to greet her? Can you imagine her response if the Manzo’s HAD been there? She proceeds to rant about the Manzo’s and warns Kim to watch her “legancies”….Kim changes the subject and says they need to get to the party.

At the party Kim G’s mother-in-law hugs Danielle and then takes her outside to talk. Kim G and the MIL try to talk to her. This is the first time I am realizing that Kim G is wearing a fur vest. Wasn’t Danielle wearing that last week? Maybe they each have one or maybe Danielle is borrowing Kim’s clothes? Ok…sorry…back to important things. The ladies are tryign to talk some sense into Danielle who feels the timing was wrong and they should not have brought it up at HER birthday party…the one that THEY paid for. On another side note: who are these guests? Kim G wants Danielle to GET OVER IT. We all do. Danielle says she IS over it but she doesn’t want anyone that loves HER to defend THEM. Danielle says tearfully that the “they” will be happy to hear that at her birthday party they were bringing this up. Both nice ladies tell her that she shouldn’t care and that she cares too much about them. I DO NOT CARE ABOUT THEM, Danielle insists…just because she stalks them and talks about them endlessly does not mean that she cares about them. Not at all.

Inside we see a toast ..or something…being given by Danielle at her own party. Kim G is holding a GIANT glass of wine. Ahhh…..that explains all this. Kim G is drunk and doesn’t realize this is not a dream. Wait till she sobors up and finds out that she befriended a crazy woman while on a bender….

Dina is planning an event for Project Lady Bug and I admire her work for that. She has to talk about Danielle. AGAIN. This whole season has been a on track record for her. Is there nothing else on her mind?

The acting school/agent wants Gia to lose her Jersey accent. This confuses both mother and child. I wish Teresa would take her child and run. Leave her accent ALONE.

Danielle is ranting in her kitchen. ALONE. To her credit she is aware that she is talking to herself. Kim G comes to visit….why? It was in the script. Danielle says that Ashley has been setting up hate pages about her on Facebook and that it’s ‘highly terroristic”…most 50 yr old women would be upset if an 18 year set up a Facebook page against them. Right? She is says “it’s nothing short of the KKK” to her. REALLY? She says she feels threatened by Ashley’s behavior and actions and underlying messages….which we all know Danielle is capable of reading since she is so level headed. Kim G tells her to go to the police and deal with it. In truth I think Kim G just wanted her to talk to anyone other than HER…the police, the FBI, the guy at the deli counter, the greeter at Walmart….anyone other than her. I joined that Facebook page during the episode and read through it. Ashley did not set it up.

Jacquie and Teresa meet at a nice restaurant where T shares that Danielle and her daughter are getting into a Facebook war and text messages have been exchanged. Ashley is called to come join them. Danielle is spreading a rumor that Ashley threatened her life and she is calling the police to get a restraining order. Ashley explains what she said to her in the text and it is possible that a crazy woman could twist it to mean she was threatened. Texting “When you die you will go to Hell” could mean “I am going to kill you”….if you are insane you might read it that way.

Danielle takes Danny to a store to try on clothes. It appears she nor he are BUYING anything and I feel bad that the store has to waste their time dressing up a felon. Danielle has that fur vest on again. Dina calls her for a meeting. Danny and Danielle put their brilliant minds together and decide that this must be a meeting to apologize for ‘what happened the other night’…yeah, that makes sense. She wants Danny to be ‘available” to make her feel more at ease….because Dina might do….WHAT? She is paranoid and crazy beyond description.

Ashley posted on Facebook that Danielle put a warrant out for her arrest. Her mother and her boyfriend both tell her that it was a wrong and that baffles Ashley. I bet Ashley will be embarassed by all this in 10 years when she sees the tapes. Her boyfriend, who is older, assures her that she will go to jail if she does anything to Danielle. According to some reports online Ashley ended up pulling out some of Danielle’s extensions and the police were involved. I guess she decided not to listen. Kids these days.

Caroline has most of the family over for dinner. I love how she is with her family. They laugh, they have fun, they are nice to each other. Somethings can’t be faked and their interaction is one of them. Italian families rock.

Dina is going off to meet Danielle to tell her that she doesn’t want to see her again. I guess they are breaking up? No amount of Bravo writing will make this meeting valid. You don’t need to see someone that you never see to tell them that you don’t want to see them again. Read that again, I promise it makes sense.

Back at the family dinner Ashley brings up what happened with Danielle and the text messages. Caroline is listening intently. She is trying to find the way to address this but she is not sure how to proceed. She likes her motivations, to protect the family, but she doesn’t like the delivery.

They talk for a while about Danny calling Chris a faggot. Does everyone remember that Danny spent time in prision and he might have some…issues…with….never mind. The family is trying to decide if they are offended and I think they voted YES.

Meeting time with Dina and Danielle. Danny is waiting in the parking lot to “protect” Danielle. It’s amazing those two found each other. Neither one notices how whacked the other is. Perfect combo….and frightening at the same time. They should only be allowed to talk while supervised.

Chakra ‘s sign got a nice shot and plug. Wonder what kind of deal was worked out.

Dina starts to talk and she tells Danielle that she is done with her. In the ONLY moment of clarity we have ever seen Danielle tells us “You called me and ASKED me to come to tell me that you don’t want to be around me? Who does that?” Now I see what Bravo was doing. They picked up a book on how to interact with crazy people and created a scene that Danielle would finally GET. I am glad Dina played along. Danielle wants to bring the rest of the family into it. Dina does a good job at keeping the conversation on track for the most part….and then it starts to spiral down…..

Teresa and Joe brought home their pile of pink fluff with a small person inside. On the way Joe commented they needed a bigger Cadillac for their family and implied there would be a few more kids. She asked him to get snipped because she is all done with having babies. Joe is usually very sensitive so I was surprised when he said NO. He told her to enjoy how active they were because it would slow down some day. She told him she would find a younger man. I think she was joking but I am not sure. I don’t think Joe is too worried. He knows he is prince charming and no other man could woo a woman with the skills he has.

For some reason Teresa thought it was a good idea to wake the sleeping 3 year old to see her baby sister’s outfit. They have their priorities! No one better miss a cute outfit. Wake up kid!

Danielle is visiting with the lady lucky enough to be labeled her “friend” for this episode. This is the same lady she called out at the luncheon asking her if she was Caroline’s friend. I don’t know why this soul is agreeing to play along. Her son is best friends with Caroline’s son, Chris. The topic is the upcoming benefit to be held at the Brownstone for a baby that is sick with cancer. For some strange reason, Danielle was invited to attend and she is working on gathering troops to go with her.

Danielle is wearing some strange fur vest thing and a diamond bracelet. The bracelet is kind of smallish looking…in my opinion. The script demanded that the nice lady compliment Danielle on it so she could brag that it cost a lot of money. It could easily be a CZ from Kmart but I am not going to question it.

The friend, Kim, tells us that she has a beautiful home but she doesn’t brag about it. I guess bragging about it would be if she said she had she had a super-duper amazing beautiful home. Got it. She agrees to attend the benefit at the Brownstone with Danielle because there will be nothing on Tv that night and…actually she doesn’t say WHY she is willing to do that and I can’t figure it out. The nice lady promises to have Danielle’s back. Maybe Danielle is going to give the nice lady her bracelet? Maybe the nice lady is hoping to get a reputation? Maybe she wants to be a Bravo TV star?

Chris’s friend, John, comes to visit and hugs everyone. This is the nice lady’s son. I smell…BRAVO SET UP. Caroline tells us that you can’t be friends with all her kids parents. Aint that the truth? My kid’s friend had the most annoying mother I ever met. I steer clear of her in Walmart to this day. Back to matters at hand. Caroline explains that John’s mother invited her to lunch and she turned it down because the nice lady is friends with Danielle. She doesn’t want to mess up things with the boy’s friendship. I guess I agree with her. I think it’s good that she didn’t try to change the nice ladies’ opinion of Danielle before Bravo could get all the scenes shot. I am working hard to pretend that I think this scene was needed for some reason and I didn’t just waste 6 minutes of my life.

Dina comes to see Teresa and the new baby. I wonder why the normally perfectly dressed Teresa is wearing such an awful, tight outfit. She just had a baby, where are her cute sweat pants? They chat about Danielle. Yawn. Is she pyscho or a sociopath? Who cares?

Albie, the up and coming Godfather, is meeting Ashley, his step-cousin, and her much older boyfriend for dinner. He is ready to bust heads and takes names…or something like that. Lauren is there to assist with the interrogation. Ashley is living with her boyfriend but she assures us it’s ok because she is on birth control and everything. I don’t want to know about the everything….kids these days. Sheeesh. I have to say that I love how much Albie is concerned and he is very sweet to involve himself. I love Italian families. They are in everybody’s business but that is just love.

Jacqueline comes to visit Derek’s mom. (That’s Ashley’s boyfriend) Ashley is living there with the boyfriend. It seems that either J didn’t get the memo that vests were out of style or I didn’t get the memo that they were in. I am leaning toward the latter. They have a nice chat, some wine, and before we know it they are lounging on the couch together giggling. They express love for each other…I need to know the name of the wine they are drinking.

At the Brownstone Chris and his Dad have to talk about Danielle coming to an event there. I don’t quite get it. She is weird and annoying but is she worthy of a grand alert?

Gia is celebrating her 9th birthday and Teresa wants it to be the event to remember. She is having a spa party complete with a pink limo. Seems reasonable. But wait, first she is getting her gift: a new four wheeler! With no training or helmets Gia and her little sister take off in the driveway. Mommy is worried…that they might get dirty. They pile into the limo and head to the spa while Mommy comments on how unaware her kids are about how much they spend on birthday parties. Teresa is on a mission to convince us that she is a total moron. Mission accomplished Teresa. You can stop now.

It’s the night of the benefit. The nice lady comes to Danielle’s home to plan their invasion. Danny arrives in his best black t-shirt, fresh out of the Hanes package, and his hair is styled perfectly if he is Shawn Cassidy. He is excited that in 6 days he will be off probation. Tense music. Tense edits. Good work Bravo.

Caroline is chatting with Jacqueline and Teresa and tells us that she shaves her entire face every day. I am not 100% sure why she does this and it brings strange images to mind. Have you ever seen those TLC shows with the people that have hair all over their faces? The conversation switches to Danielle and the event she is attending at the Brownstone. Yawn. With all this build up I hope it’s exciting.

Finally, it’s time for the event. Danielle, Probation Danny, and the nice lady are on their way. Danielle is excited that she is going to have an entourage waiting for her. Danny had the head of the Hell’s angels and some ex-cons meet them so they could walk in together. Apparently she wants to slip in unnoticed. Danielle goes out of her way to shake Chris’s hand. She tells us it was a psychological ‘F you’ which is bizarre. He is a KID and has nothing to do with this drama. She says “I’m walking in the door at YOUR second home, YOUR BUSINESS.” Who is she talking to? She is creepy. The nice lady makes a point of greeting Caroline’s son and he tells her that she is in for a surprise. He tells us in his personal interview that he is referring to the fact that the event is being run by a hunters groups and they were in effect over dressed. Nutty Danielle did not miss the opportunity to twist that around and tell us that he was “sadistic” and that “you knew whose son that was.” She is so…..odd.

Danielle greets the family of the sick baby and says she brought a lot of people. Their child is facing a possibly fatal illness and they want to hear about her drama? The Drama is only starting. There is no table set up for Danielle. She showed up with an entourage of guests that did not pay. “Is this the big surprise Chris was referring to?” She is such an idiot. The venue is scrambling to set up a table for the self-proclaimed guest of honor and her goons. She doesn’t like where the table is placed. She is still complaining. Danny is freaking out and yelling at people for not making things happen. Danielle now feels the need to tell the family of the sick child that “they don’t want me here” and continues to display her crazy for all the world to see. Danielle tells whoever will listen that she is leaving with dignity. The nice lady gave the family a check. In the foyer Probation Danny is forgetting himself and getting angry. Danielle is smirking and warning everyone how dangerous her entourage is. All of them are surprised that a group of convicts, a Hell’s Angel, a prostitute whore, and one nice lady were not accepted with open arms and treated as royalty. Even the tension filled music doesn’t make any of it add up to me. Danny seems to find himself to be a very threatening person. It’s kind of cute….like how a tiny dog barks and thinks he is very scary.

Danielle tells us that she has a good grasp on reality. I am not going to touch that statement. It’s a stand alone piece that demonstrates her lunacy. She is ranting and raving about how the Manzo’s treated her badly. She doesn’t understand that none of the Manzo’s had anything to do with the event. Never mind. Her voices in her head are too loud for the real world to get a word in. Wow.

Last week’s installment was nuts. We were left with promises that this week would be even crazier. They lied.

We start out this week learning that Kelly has gone home. WHEW. It’s the morning after and everyone looks like they have been through a lot. Hair is still crazy. Bethenny grabbed a giant pink hat to wear to the breakfast table. Seems reasonable. They decide that the four of them all get along and it should be peaceful for the rest of the trip. Giggle. Did they think Bravo would let them off the hook like that?

Ramona, Bethenny, Sonja, and Alex all enjoy some manicures and pedicures. I am again so jealous of them all. It looks like the perfect vacation. Sunny skies, slight breeze, very nice. What could go wrong?

SERRRP- Priiiiiiize! It’s JILL here to SURPRISE them all. Obviously Bravo was behind this since Jill would have not know how to fly into St. Thomas, take the ferry to St. John, and find the palace. Getting to St. John is not an easy stop over, it took effort. It took cooperation from Bravo. Great set up.

Everyone looks shocked or angry or both. Bobby is with Jill and they both seem to think there ought to be a happy reception. What is up with Bobby? Is he completely unaware of his wife and the drama surrounding her?

Jill tells us in her private interview that they did not seem happy to see her. Great powers of observation.

Ramona tries to be honest and civil with her. She explains that there has a lot of drama. Jill tells us that she saw Kelly in the airport. Jill is honestly planning to pretend that she has not been talking to Kelly the whole time???

Alex is shook up. She is not herself. I think she misses the strength of Simon being by her side. I really think they are soul mates and need each other. She looks like a child who is lost in the shopping mall. She needs her man.

Ramona tries to talk to Jill…who is completely unwilling to see that this was not a good surprise. Ramona tries really hard and apologizes a number of times. Bobby has a small conversation with Bethenny and it’s super uncomfortable to witness that.

Jill sobs to Bobby that they are not nice. I feel slightly sorry for her. She is delusional. She thought she could talk to Bethenny there? Why not talk in NYC where you live a block apart? Why did you respond so horribly when Bethenny called you?

Finally the remaining guests are settled in for dinner and their hair looks better than it has it has in days. Sorry, I notice this stuff. Oh wait…a few scenes in and Alex’s hair is frizzing. Sorry.

Ramona chokes. Sonja wants to give her the Heimlich maneuver whether she needs it or not. The talk turns to penis size. Ummm…ok then. “It’s not the size of the boat but the motion of the ocean” is Alex’s only comment. Sonja thinks that large ears mean a large penis. Bethenny tells us that she doesn’t want “dumbo with a large package.”

Alex announces that they are having a bridal shower for both Ramona and Bethenny. By bridal shower they mean sex fetish devices. Ramona seems out of her element with the kink factor. Sonja wonders how that is possible since ramona claims to happy after years of marriage. I guess you can’t have a happy marriage unless there is bondage? How long has Sonja been married? Oh, that’s right….she’s divorced. Maybe she is not the one to be handing our marriage advice?

For some reason they made wedding dresses out of toilet paper. This must be a tradition that I never heard of. I wonder if it was quilted?

Luann, Jill and Jen the party planner meet for lunch. Luann understands why Ramona threw Jill off the island. Kelly shows up. She is looking strange. Kelly tells us that she was shell-shocked after she left the island. Kelly is there to tell them that she hated how they talked badly about people and gossiped about people….kind of like she was doing now. She goes on to explain that she called Bethenny a “ho bag” and assured them that this is an accurate description of her. She goes on to attack the notion that Bethenny is a “cook” and says that she has never heard of her catering any parties for the people she knows. Each person at the table refuted this claim and she simply kept talking.

Her most shocking statement was to say that Bethenny admitted attacking her the press and she claimed that Bethenny said “I went out of my way to have a smear campaign against you.” KELLY- do you understand that this stuff is all filmed? Do you get that you are being proven a liar right now? Then she starts talking about her jelly beans. She tells us that she “had to go back in there to police them.” and Jill wonders if she was worried that they would get her jelly beans. That was a funny comment Jill. Wait till you see the finished episode; you will see how funny you comment really was.

Jill and Luann agreed that they were confused by this account of the weekend. Jen assures us that the truth is somewhere in the middle.

The housewives are now at a party. Alex begins to explain to Luann that she was surprised Kelly would say that anyone was mean to her. They all decide to go upstairs and talk it out. This is important, I guess. We need to hear Bethenny tell Luann what happened last week in St. John. We all saw it happen. Nothing she says even comes close to giving it justice. You can’t explain the crazy because no one would believe it. She should have told her “just wait for the episode.”

Luann shows her children the penthouse at the Thompson Hotel. I don’t know why we needed to see that. Did Thompson Hotel need a plug?

It’s now time for Jill’s holiday party. Jen is there. She is asking Jill is she wants to do a speech and what time does she want people to skate…..ok….I am an event planner. That conversation doesn’t happen as the event begins. It happens a weeks before, in the planning. Is Jen being paid for this?

Suddenly Jill is missing Bethenny. She wants to make up. She calls her and asks her to lunch. It’s one of the few conversations that did not happen on speaker phone. She agreed to meet her and we are all hopeful for this meeting. Who doesn’t like peace?

Jill came to her party all decked out in a skating outfit. She is planning to do a little performance.

Cutaway to Kelly saying that she has never heard Jill talk about anything sporty her life and she makes a funny face about the skating outfit. Does any of this fall under her “no gossip, no bad talk” rule?

Jill comes on to say that a lot of people don’t know that she used to be a skater….when she was NINE…so that explains why she is now in this outfit. She is about to put on a performance. Luanne is being fancy in her rented skates. Jill immediately fell on the ice. How long has it been since she was NINE? She begins to skate in circles and spin around followed by skating backwards. She then poses for pictures. I rewound the DVR a few times because I thought I missed the performance. Maybe it was edited out??

Ramona arrives and is immediately attacked by Kelly who seems to be unaware of what actually happened in St. John. Kelly feels Ramona did not defend her and have her back. She begins to say things that make no sense. She is certain that she doesn’t need any help. That makes one of us. Ramona eventually gets control and is able to say that she is sorry Kelly is upset. That appears to calm her. Can you imagine what her ex-husband went through with this nut job?

Jill tells us that she just wants peace and harmony. She wants to start over. She works really hard to listen to Ramona when she talks. I give her some credit for that. They hug and assure each other that things are ok.

All in all, this was mostly an overhyped episode that basically rehashed last weeks drama. I think I am relieved.

I went with high expectations and left wondering why that movie was even made.

A big part of the original series was the CITY which strangely, hardly made an appearance in this overly long, tedious flick.

Carrie was known for her risky style choices but in this movie it bordered on silly hit ridiculous a few times. Her full , long, poofy skirt and t-shirt combo for her visit to the spice market definitely made me raise an eyebrow. In her new role as a wife and she was sulky and unforgiving. How dare her husband suggest that they stay home? What kind of man wants to eat in his apartment? How dare he buy and install a TV so that they could watch romantic old movies. THE PIG!!

Carrie has moved on to home decorator, or so we are told, but the furniture looked uncomfortable and not all that cutting edge. Or was that just me? We get that they are not having children and frankly, that seems like a good idea. Far too much narcissism going on there.

The gay wedding scene was overdone and took advantage of stereotypes. What a cheap, easy way out. Nothing new or original.

Why couldn’t Carrie wait until she was home to reveal her stolen kiss? What man rewards his spoiled wife for kissing another man? If she got that big ring for a kiss I wonder what he would give her for doing the whole deal?

I could care less about Samantha’s “down under” and her references to her sex drive and menopause were overplayed. Her loud sex scene in the hotel was not authentic and added nothing.

What was wrong with that 2-year-old? She cried all the time. That is not “normal” and she should see a doctor. What mother makes cupcakes and offers paint while she is wearing vintage clothing?

Do these women own a pair of sweatpants? Even at the end of the movie, when Carrie finally realized it was ok to stay home and watch a movie, she was in a full gown.

Miranda was the only one who struck me as real. I did enjoy the scene with her getting Charlotte to admit she was struggling as a mom. She escapes any snarky responses from me. I was glad she quit her job and glad she had some fun.

Lastly, and the reason I was most offended, I don’t understand why this movie was set in the middle East. Are the writers aware that we are in the midst of TWO wars in middle Eastern countries? Isn’t that an ethical faux pax? I do not find it humorous to poke fun at another culture and faith. We, as Americans, claim to have such open minds but we can’t accept another culture just because it is different from ours? Are we only open-minded to those who strive to mimic us?

I loved the first movie. I wish they had stuck with the proven formula.

You know, all the needed things. She is her classy self with her hair all fluffed and her face made up, while she tells her sister that she has diarrhea. Classy. Her going to the hospital wardrobe consists of platform heels, tight jeans and a strapless blouse. This is all so quaint….and bizarre.

After checking her email and dragging her husband out of the house she arrives at the hospital. In the waiting room her dumpy hubby jokes about having more children. Funny stuff.

Caroline’s son, Christopher, wants to own a car wash/strip club. I don’t see how these two things go together. The adults entertain his stupidity and pretend to take it seriously. I am tired of hearing about it. Mom and Dad will “invest” in his stupid idea and keep it running for a while. We all know that his future involves working at the Brownstone but we play along and pretend there are other options.

Danielle is eating out with her daughters. They are discussing Christine’s modeling career and how it might be disappointing. (Flashback to her puking on the runway) Christine stumbles over her line about the industry. Danielle seems like she have been informed that her daughter is not going to Paris and she won’t be getting the coat tail ride she hoped for. Both daughters struggled for the right thing to say. Mommy doesn’t look happy but she appears to have accepted that her daughter’s are not going to pull their weight. Damn it. She says something corny about family but it doesn’t match her expression.

Back at the hospital we see Teresa taking multiple phone calls. At one point she says she is 3 centimeters dilated. Why is she there? I am experienced at giving birth; at 3 cm I would be home watching TV or shopping in the mall. Did we need to know that she shaved her “chucky”? After a graphic shot of her getting an epidural, we are finally released……whew

Ashley is talking to her mom. They appear to be very uncomfortable in their conversation. I am sure the cameras are helping the strained relationship. Mom wants Ashley to see a life coach. The idea is not catching on. Ashley is trying to say the right things. She wants to go to community college. Mom wants to know FOR WHAT? Then she makes some condescending comment in her interview about how Ashley doesn’t have it all figured out. What is wrong with this woman? NO 18 year old has it figured out. You tell them to go to college and get general credits while they are working on figuring it out. I wonder if Jacqueline has a degree?

Now we are treated to a ridiculous and unnecessary strip club scene. Supposedly Christopher is doing “research” to determine if he wants to own a strip club. Chris is ogling the nekkid wimmins while his voice over is telling us that he has his mind on more important things. Ok then….

Back at the hospital we are treated to more of Teresa screaming and grunting and seeming surprised that it hurts. Her fourth child and she is still surprised. Thankfully we are only tortured with the sound and we don’t have to witness it.

Our first view is Teresa holding the swaddled baby. The child is minutes old and her mommy asked if she can “put, like, fru fru things on her?”…..wow. She is HARD CORE with this girly stuff. Hours of labor and THIS is what is her on her mind? I give her credit. After giving birth I just wanted to sleep.

Not my favorite father but he's just so "juicy!' Hey, maybe that's why Teresa keeps getting knocked up. Juicy, more like greasy.

Teresa: What should we name her?

Joe: I don’t care.

That is recorded for history. Nice work Joe.

Jacqueline and her hubby are having a drink. She shares her idea about the life coach meeting with Ashley. He laughs. He thinks she needs a beating. Dina pops in to say that she thinks she needs a wooden spoon. It seems that these kids were all beaten. A LOT. It’s all starting to make sense now.

Chris opens his safe to show his wife what he has in there. GUNS. She freaks for a half second and then begins playing with them. I think we hit on a weird side to her personality.

Danielle meets with her friend Kathy. Yes, she has a friend….or that is what the script says. We are now told that Christine is going to model in wedding shows. “Designer gowns” is what Danielle says. “The pay is good too.” Great, the modeling career is back on track. Snicker. (I work in wedding shows. ALL the gowns are “designer’ and the models get about $50 to $75 per show) Back to the show: For some reason we are now being told about a sick baby with cancer. Kathy says they are having a fundraiser to help with the expenses. They want Danielle to attend. I will go out on a ledge and guess that they are going with the Coney Island Freak Show theme for this fundraiser?

The men arrive to tell Danielle about the fundraiser. She starts the conversation by saying “Tell me what happened and then I want to hear how this came to be.” Yes, Danielle demands to know how this child got cancer. Interesting question. I will have to remember that next time I hear about someone with a terrible diagnoses: TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED. How did you get CANCER? TELL ME!!

The benefit is at the BROWNSTONE. Seems these two men are the only people on the East coast that don’t know Caroline hates Danielle? Do they WATCH the show? Nooo…this couldn’t be a set up situation hoping to create tension and drama and completely scripted by Bravo???….Noooo….this is REALITY Tv.

Dina called a meeting with Caroline and Jacqueline. This is the first time she has left her house all season? Caroline tells us that a meeting is serious. Topic: DANIELLE!! Of course. Dina wants to sit down with Danielle and tell her that she wants nothing to do with her. Some of us would just stop hanging out but Dina wants a big moment. Caroline thinks it’s a bad idea. Jacqueline thinks it’s a bad idea…..while she calls out all Danielle’s alias’…..tension…drama

Chris is going to run a car wash for the day. He brings in several girls in skimpy clothes. They begin to wave in cars and…at least for the camera….it’s working. The owner returns to say that it’s great. Caroline says no man on the planet thinks it’s a bad idea. Once more butt close up and thankfully, scene over.

Danielle is visiting two friends. Danny says they have a kindred spirit. Maybe it’s because they both have brown hair…and faces that look like they have partied a LOT…..and his hair is bad. They begin bashing the Manzo’s. Danny is going to escort her to the Brownstone. For some reason she feels better taking this rat with her. I don’t get it.

Dina visits with Teresa, in her leopard print, and the new baby, in her giant flower hat. Dina gushes about the baby. Teresa tells her that she is the Godmother. They both cry. It’s very sweet. You know they are not acting because neither of them CAN act. It was a touching scene.

We are treated to a rare moment when Caroline’s husband is at home. He came to tell her that Danielle is coming to a fundraiser at the Brownstone. Caroline is mad. She is ready to deal with her.

Bravo has done an excellent job with the set up. The music gets intense. Flash to a few scenes from next week. It gets weird here. We KNOW we are being set up…but I still want to know what will happen next week. And I will tune in.

This week we are still in St. John…or S. John’s, if you are talking to Ramona, and there is no lack of insanity. There is also a lot of humidity and their hair styles take a beating.

We start with breakfast the morning after Kelly’s outrageous outbursts. Almost immediately she is back on Bethenny and calling her a COOK as though that were some kind of terrible insult. I wish ANYONE would call me a cook…I digress. Bethenny asks her what the difference is between a CHEF and a COOK. According to Kelly Chefs work in restaurants. “Just because you are catering people’s parties does not a chef make.” she tells us in her interview. Kelly then says she didn’t know and keeps talking really fast and saying things that don’t make sense. Bethenny tells her to own her comments and then assures her that everyone there is seeing that Kelly started it. I am on Team Bethenny so I was disappointed when she went that route….but Alex saved the day with a question from Simon via a text message regarding chocolate waffles.

At this route I am wondering how this episode will be. We started out at Mach4 and Bethenny is already crying. It has to get better than this. Right? Please?

The yacht pulls up in front of a huge palace that they will be staying in and they take small boats to get to the shore. They explore this place and seem to have forgotten the Ramona is supposed to have set this up. At this point there is no way that she did and only Bravo could have financed this amazing trip. I am a little jealous. Seriously.

Bethenny brought gifts for each guest; canvass bags with their initials on them packed full of goodies. I thought it was sweet. Kelly finds hers and immediately begins to complain. “It was so impersonal…” ummm…Kelly, your INITIALS are on the bag. She collapses on the bed and begins to sob. There is nothing else to do but to call JILL. Yes, JILL. She talks about nightmares where Bethenny was stabbing her and says Kelly tied to “literally claw your eyes out” and says doesn’t have double D fake tits. (but she does have a boob job so why mention that?) She breaks down crying and says it’s so gross.

Jill says she likes her so much and doesn’t want her upset. Ok…stop a sec…does anyone remember last season? When did this affection begin?

Day two- another breakfast. Romano nicely asks the cook…or is he a chef?…I will have to ask Kelly…but anyway, Ramona asks him to please make her oatmeal without salt. I loved how she asked. She was very sweet. I like her today.

Kelly shows up with a pad of paper and tells everyone they can write complaints down. She mentions fourth grade and no one seems to have a clue what she is talking about. Alex tells us that Ramona accused her of channeling the devil. That got Bethenny’s attention and she demanded (ok.. ASKED) how to do that because she seems to want to know how.

Kelly then asks them to allow her to photograph them on the beach. She tells us she is not the greatest photographer but she really enjoys taking pictures. She says she wants to give them something to see how beautiful she thinks they are….she is weird. She begins pretending she is her ex-husband. The ladies look great but I wish Ramona wore a different suit.

She starts to photograph Alex and it gets very strange. Kelly is giving her strange directions and Alex is not comfortable. She keeps saying “Johan face Alex…”….I have no idea what that means.

We flash back to NYC and see Jill skating. What is she WEARING? A full costume? The professionals are there practicing in their sweats and here is Jill is a body suit with sparkly boobs. She gets yelled at by the coach that is working with the real skaters. She is embarrassed. I am embarrassed seeing it.

Jill and Luann are having dinner and talking about why they did not go to Caribbean. Jill has to reveal that Kelly has been calling her and tells Luann that Kelly is not leaving her room…which we all know is not true…but they both laugh and snark at how horrible the other women are. apparently EVERYONE has forgotten that Kelly is insane. Jill shares that she is going to ‘surprise’ everyone and show up in St. John. Luann doesn’t think it’s a good idea. Luann gets the “Level-headed Housewife of the Week” award.

Back in the Caribbean we see the girls on the patio enjoying drinks and appetizer. Humidity is not treating their hair well. They all appear to have a glaze of sweat on them.

Kelly is talking on speaker phone to her daughter. Ramona suggests that she go in the other room and Kelly freaks out. After the call she comes in to tell Ramona that when it’s about her child then it’s none of her business. Kelly announces that the woman are “all so high maintenance. They visibly swallow their words and try to move past it. She rudely turns down an offered drink.

In her personal interview she tells us that she tries so hard to be “even keeled with them”…..that must have been edited out…and then says ‘WhenI am talking to my child, don’t even come near me because I will CLAW YOUR EYES OUT!” Ok…let’s stop her a moment. Isn’t that what she said Bethenny was doing to her? Has anyone ever had their yes clawed out? Is this really a thing that happens? Who does she hang out with?

Bethenny made all the food. She goes into the kitchen to finish up and Kelly announces that she doesn’t want to sit across from Bethenny and says she is psychotic. Bethenny comes out and says ‘Kelly if you don’t want to sit across from me, then don’t. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do..” She lists a lot of things Kelly can NOT do if she chooses including eating the food that she prepared. Sonja changes seats with Kelly while she laments how “defensive” Kelly is. And this, my friends, is just the precursor for what is about to transpire. Stop reading now if you can’t take high levels of insanity.

Kelly’s hair looks crazy. Interesting.

Ramona is really sweet and doesn’t want to send a crab cake back to the kitchen. She doesn’t want to insult Bethenny. I thought that was really thoughtful. Kelly tells us that the food was not that good. Next course is the steaks and Kelly asks for a steak knife. Bethenny takes the steak away and realizes that the steak needed to be cooked more. She takes care of it and comes back to the table. Kelly feigns concern for Bethenny.

Ramona brings up that she has not heard from Jill. Let the crazy begin…. Kelly announces that she has heard from her and announces that Jill is concerned about Bethenny and tells Ramona that it’s not abut her. She won’t let anyone else talk. She suddenly says “Welcome to Bethenny’s world and she wants to know who is asking about her.”….when anyone else speaks Kelly gets upset and then announces that “this is like white noise”…and she just keeps going. Ramona wants to make up with Bethenny about a former incident and Kelly starts saying the most crazy things “Are you guys going to make out- with the tongue?” Ramona want her to take a time out and Kelly tells her to ZIP IT…and then says “you made her cry”….maybe 5 or 8 times. She won’t stop talking. Ramona takes Bethenny aside and Kelly tells them to have their “intimate moment” and “with the tongue’….

Bethenny and Ramona are starting to think there is something wrong with her. Ya think? Back at the table Alex and Sonja are trying to reason with crazy. Girls, just give it up. Kelly suddenly says “This is Free to be…you and me…1979″….I have to wonder what happened in 1979 with Kelly. It’s safe to say that her brain stop maturing right around then. She must have been 7 or9 yrs old? Right? She then starts analyzing Alex and telling her what her opinion of her was. Alex tells her that she was afraid of getting in front of the camera and Kelly starts talking about nightmares. Alex tries to be calm with her. “let’s not over-dramatize”….toooo late. Kelly does the Catholic sign of the cross. I am wondering why she doesn’t melt.

Kelly announces that she has had nightmares about Bethenny trying to KILL HER like she has done so many times before! KILL HER??? Damn Bravo editing…we didn’t get to see any of the attempted killing. Can you imagine the ratings?

Kelly says that the night of the party where Alex was delivering a message to Jill she had white make up on and black eyeliner…she was a GABOOGIE….and I don’t know what that is…and Kelly says she was channeling a vampire or something. Alex needs a time out…so they leave Sonja with Kelly. Sonja says “that’s not fair.” She grabs her head and says to Kelly “You just told Alex she was kabookie in white make up…” She tried to reason with her and points out that she ruined the day with her comments. Kelly says “When you have a woman go after you in the press every single day..” Oh my…so she thinks Bethenny was busy going after her in the press? Why would she do that?

Flash to Bethenny having a validation victory party because finally everyone has seen the lunatic that is Kelly Bensimon…

Bethenny wants to calm Kelly and says that she will listen. Kelly starts talking about Al Sharpton. It makes no sense.

Kelly says she is excusing herself and she will come back to do shots. She announces ‘I am a woman and I have a prerogative”

She then ask Bethenny about the time when she ” Attacked my friend Gwyneth”….Paltrow that is. Yes, I am sure Gwyneth counts Kelly among her confidantes.

Kelly comes back with jelly beans and offering them. This is the most vivid example of crazy I have ever seen. She starts minimizing everything they talked about and suddenly says to Bethenny ” Your dad passed away and you’re here. It’s creepy!”‘ and she continues eating jelly beans. I will assume that they are not the processed food kind of jelly beans.

Ramona begins to share about her mother passing away and Kelly tells her not to talk about it.

Sonja says “The 4 of us are sane and she is crazy and we are picking on her..” I will agree with that. I also fault Bravo for this. They must know that this chick is a few fries short of a happy meal. Why film it an exploit it? That is kind of sick. I am wondering if Kelly will ever get a date after all this.

Kelly then tells them that she threw up before she came and had nightmares about Bethenny killing her. Bethenny freaks out and tells her to go to sleep because she is crazy. Kelly makes a strange face…like she just sucked a lemon or something…then pops another jelly bean. She looks confused.

Sonja is trying to calm her down and protect her. Ok, I like Sonja. This is tough. She is a new kid on the block and she is not afraid to stand up and do what is right. The ladies all seem to suddenly realize that Kelly is not playing with a full deck. They tried to placate her insanity and they are going to try to keep her safe….from herself.

This episode repulsed and angered me so deeply that I had to wait until this morning to recap it. The source: DANIELLE. Why is this woman left alone with children? Why is she allowed to make decisions about their lives? She is inappropriate, self-absorbed, narcisistic…ok, here we go.

Danielle is still upset because Jaquie and Dina did not attend the luncheon to celebrate her…I mean her DAUGHTER’s photo spread. She knew they were not coming but she still grandstands their absence to create drama and try to portray herself as a victim. Jacque sent flowers to congratulate her daughter but Danielle is not happy. She begins badgering her younger daughter with stupid questions. The little girl is not comfortable and she doesn’t want to play along. Mommy either doesn’t notice or she doesn’t give a flying frig. I am going to assume that there was no adult available for this staged scene so Bravo used her child instead. I am guessing they are following the handbook TLC uses : Victimizing Children for Profit

Danielle: Do you think I should give her a call?

Child: I don’t know! (with a look that says ‘why are you asking me this? I am 10!)

The child then suggests that mommy wants PRIVACY….meaning “let me out of here!!” Danielle refuses the request and forces her daughter to sit there while she calls Jaqueline and leaves a message. Based on the way the scenes are shown I suspect the child is forced to sit on that chair for an extended time period. Each time it flashes back to her she is sitting differently and the items on the table are changed. Is it FAIR to expect a small kid to sit there and watch her mother make a fool of herself? What does this have to do with the child? Why should she be included in any of this? Bravo- SHAME ON YOU. …and I am just getting started.

There is no answer. She leaves a message while her child chews on her braided hair. Poor, bored, child. Then Mommy starts with more questions: “Do you think she is busy? Why didn’t she answer?”….is this little kid supposed to KNOW that? Is this her child her or therapist?

In her personal interview D starts to complain “Why did she send me flowers?” (She didn’t send them to YOU moron) She catches herself “Why did you send my daughter flowers?”….is this really a question? If someone doesn’t like you then they should not be allowed to wish your child well? It’s all about YOU- right Danielle?

She finally frees her hostage and she scurries out fast before Mommy changes her mind. D calls back to leave a crazy message that makes no sense. She wants to know how they are going to “move forward” if she can’t celebrate her children with her. How many ways does Jaqueline have to say it? How clear does she have to be?

Like I said, I am angry at the entire display is asinine behavior.

Dina and Theresa get together for tea and conversation. It is planned and scripted. Clearly. They discuss the luncheon and Danielle. Again. How many times will this be revisited? Is there nothing else happening in all of New Jersey? No one is mentioning the most pressing part of the issue: Why is this crazy woman raising two children? How can we help THEM? Noooo….we are more concerned about the drama that we want kept out of our adult lives. That is the important thing. Forget the children, we have to get our hair done.

Flash to Jaqueline and Caroline having coffee together at J’s house. Guess what they are talking about? Danielle….of course….sheeeesh. Are their lives THAT small? Maybe they should have put off filming until something else interesting happened to discuss….you know…like how some shows will have the main character’s get pregnant? Except….TWO of the ladies have been pregnant and one is about to give birth. That’s right! So why is Danielle still the most interesting topic?

Caroline was all scripted and ready to go. She pointed out that Danielle never sent a card or a gift when the baby was born. It’s nice that the baby got a mention in the script. Good work Bravo.

Back at Danielle’s broken down mansion we are treated to a scene with her tormenting her children again. It seems that no adults are willing to be filmed with this vat of crazy. Poor kids. She is talking to her about Fashion week and telling her she will be wearing 8 inch heels. I think Danielle is confusing things with her stripper days. She then begins telling baby daughter to look at how beautiful her sister is and then leads them in a discussion where they are comparing themselves to each other. That is so healthy! Mothering at it’s finest.

For some reason we are now watching a very pregnant Theresa shopping in a children’s overpriced boutique. Where are these kids going that they need to be dressed in these fancy clothes? The 3-year-old is tearing hte place up. The 5-year-old is barely getting noticed. It’s allll about Gia. We are told over and over again that Gia is the next super model. I don’t snark on kids so I will shut up. Gia wants more stuff. Mom says she is not Donald Trump and tells her to that she needs to go to work….because being filmed for a reality TV show is not a job. Right Theresa? Right Bravo? Gia is not working RIGHT NOW- correct?

Gia tells mommy that she is too pretty to work. No script there…..sure.

The total is $1965.80. We needed to know that. I thought Theresa was ridiculous. Now I have proof. Thanks again Bravo. My life is complete.

Zen Jen comes to vist Dina. That is how limited this woman’s life is. What should Dina and Zen Jen talk about???? Ohhh….they need to talk about DANIELLE. The argument happened LAST YEAR and yet this is still the main topic? Zen Jen states the obvious- get her out of your life. Ummm….she is already out ZenJen….ok? I am guessing ZenJen gets paid by the hour. Good work.

Nice rehashing the only topic available Dina. CUT….time for a commercial.

At this point I just wish the show was over. I am fast forwarding my DVR and realize I am only 1/2 way through this mess and I honestly don’t want to finish watching it…but I promised a recap. Ugh.

Ok…good news. We found an adult who will film with Danielle. The realtor! If you are looking to make a huge commission on a sale then you are willing to be filmed with the whack-a-doodle. Danielle is crying about only getting “just under a million” if she were to sell now. That’s horrible! The poor thing! How could she scrape by? There is no choice but to take the house off the market. Otherwise she might have to get a JOB?

Theresa pops in to say ‘She is not too pretty to work.”

Good editing Bravo.

Dinner at Theresa’s house. Caroline is there. Joe comes home from work 3 hours late for dinner. Feeding the children ahead of time did not occur to her? No, they waited and let the whining and bouncing kids pick at their food and ruin the dinner conversation. Good call.

For no real reason Theresa suddenly says that Joe and her are “old-fashioned, but in a cute way.”….and she has to tell us that they have sex everyday. Sometimes twice. Giggle. Information I needed to know. Thanks.

Joe picks on his daughters with sarcastic comments. Theresa likes it because it gives them a thick skin. Really? Telling his daughter that she is ugly is good for her? Especially when she is on her way to be in a fashion show? When you realize she is crying you respond by making fun of her some more? Mommy tells her that he is KIDDING. Really honey, it’s FUNNY when daddy calls you an ugly duckling. And he just keeps picking. Funny stuff dad. Keep up the great parenting.

Danielle took her daughter to the “best modeling agency in the world” to teach her how to walk. Danielle keeps insisting that she was once a model. Her face is totally jacked up so it’s hard to believe that she was ever a model. Again, I think Danielle is confusing being a stripper with runway modeling.

Smaller child is bored. Too bad she is being forced to go through all this. Where is her father? My ex would have dragged me into court in a NY minute if I ever treated my kids like this and he had film to prove it.

Backstage at the runway show Gia is getting primped. She yawns. Theresa again tells her that she needs to learn to not let Daddy’s mean comments affect her because she should be used to it by now. While I appreciate the respect she has for her husband, it’s OK to say ‘Honey, Gia really needs her Daddy to be more loving and less sarcastic.”

Danielle is talking about her experiences in the stripping modeling industry. She knew a lot of unhealthy strippers models. We are supposed to guess that she is talking about anorexia and not herpes or ghonera…..so we will play along. She says she is not concerned about Christine and we flash to two tiny pieces of melon she is about to eat after announcing how hungry she is. She turns down other food. Well her “Mother” might not be worried, but I am.

One marked difference between the two modeling scenes is that Theresa is clearly happy for HER DAUGHTER while Danielle still thinks it is all about her.

Gia does look really cute. Her family is there to support her. I love that.

Runway show….watch Gia peform….watch Christine….yawn….

After the show Daddy says nice things. It’s good to know that you need to get professionally made up and perform so that Daddy will finally say something nice. Good trend Joe.

Christine looked beautiful. Danielle can’t stop talking about how the other housewives are not “Genuinely happy for me…………OR my children”….Glad she threw that in. She almost forgot about that. She is convinced that she will be traveling the world…WITH DANIELLE at her side!!! Of course! I hope her coat tails are big enough for her mother. Then Danielle says that if she had been given the same opportunities at her age then maybe her life would have turn out differently. Ummm….I thought she WAS a model? Did she forget her storyline?

Christine had to leave the stage to throw up. Her mother didn’t notice because she was too busy working the crowd so that everyone knew that this was somehow about her. I wonder where the other mother’s were? Backstage there are a handful of others who appear more motherly and concerned about Christine than the crazy freak who brought her into the world. Her first question was “What is this?” referring to the damp perspiration that appeared on her ill childs face. She is an idiot.

I am glad I am done with this recap. Tune in next week to see how many ways the housewives can talk about Danielle….yawn.

On this episode 5 of the ~real~ housewives head off to St. John …or “St. Johns” to Ramona…to celebrate a bachelorette weekend before Ramona’s vow renewal.

Ramona says that Jill didn’t join them on the weekend because it was not about her. It couldn’t be because she felt uncomfortable spending a weekend with Bethenny. Right?

The countess is visiting a major record producer to record her single. He is the real deal and we get to hear the long list of real stars that have paid him to record there. While Bravo tries to spin it to sound as though she is very talented and that is reason he records her, the smart viewers know that he will record anyone who can pay the bill. The bill will be high. He wears his sunglasses the entire time, which makes him look like a dork, and feeds her a load of BS about how wonderful she is. She is not horribly horrible. That is the nicest thing I can say.

The ladies land in St. John, minus Jill and Luann, and Bethenny looks like she is in shock. She just buried her father. I feel bad for her. Kelly announced that she doesn’t eat processed foods and says she prefers gummie bears. Not one to let things like that go by Bethenny points out that gummie bears are hardly natural. Kelly then says that it’s ok because they are “fun candy.” Be warned, this is just a taste of the crazy that is to come.

They go to the dock because Bravo has arranged for them to stay on a yacht. Ramona grabbed the master suite because we are all supposed to believe that she is hosting this trip.

We start with Ramona showing off her bathing suits. She does have a great body and I can’t blame her for being excited to show it off. Everyone gets into a bathing suit and checks out the deck. LUNCH TIME but Kelly needs to change and her clothes because she can’t eat in a bikini. Whatever. Ramona expresses concern for Bethenny and I like her for that moment.

Ramona wants her Pinot Grigio and Bethenny offers to stomp on the grapes from the fridge. Hungry Kelly freaks out and says “NO, I am eating those. You are not going to stomp on them”…B carefully explains humor but I doubt it registered. Whacky Kelly is back in action..

Ramona begins talking about how Jill sent a text to Ramona telling her about B’s dad passing away. She feels that Jill wanted to be the one to break the news. They discuss how Jill kind of freaked out at the party because she did not get the call first.

Kelly now starts on her first strange rant of the day. She says she doesn’t want to talk bad about people because she is a real person and she is normal.

“We are not normal?’….which is the question I would have asked. She moves along and says that they are all too concerned with everyone elses moves. For no reason she suddenly turns on Alex for delivering the message to Jill. (how long are we gonna talk about this?)

B again patiently addresses her and explains that Alex had been putting up with Jill for 2 years and her packaging might have been a little off.

Kelly responds “It’s not that I don’t get it; it’s that I don’t CARE.”….yeah…she said that.

B says ‘If you don’t care then don’t respond.”

Kelly then says that they are making lemons into lemonade. Yeah, she said that too.

B once again explains that this analogy probably doesn’t fit her point.

Kelly then tells them that she will not do this everytime she comments on something because they are making it into something…it’s crazy…it’s gross…it’s disgusting. Then she adds that she has a lot of respect for people she cares about. I am guessing she cares about no one at the table.

They explain that they are just expressing their feelings. Kelly’s eyes roll back into her head “Oh FEEELINGS”…a concept that seems to find ridiculous. She then says that she is “not that girl. Not the sorority, bitchy girl” and she makes what she hopes will be a dramatic exit from the table. The only problem is that she can’t figure out how to open the glass doors to get inside. She gives another speech about how she will be in her little world with cart wheels and kindness and they can enjoy their banter and vile behavior.

Damn. Doors won’t open. She is stuck there until the nice paid help pushes the button with her finger. Ramona tries to smooth it over and tells her they will see her in a little while…sweetheart…that had to hurt coming out. Kelly takes the olive branch and smacks them all with it while she calls them demented and sick. Kelly might want to pick up Luann’s book.

The girls dish on Kelly for a moment and then she returns with some kind of odd apology. They give her dessert. They probably just wanted to keep her mouth busy so she would shut up.

Later that evening Alex joined Bethenny on the deck. B asks how she is enjoying her first trip away from the hubby and kids. Alex wants to know how she is doing. They like each other and you can see it. I like that. It’s a lost part of this show. Genuine affection for each other. Nice. B talks about her father’s death and Alex listens sincerely. Then they shift the conversation to Kelly and lunch. Alex asks “What was that?” and they dissolve into laughter. Real laughter. I like it. Belly laughs. Bethenny said she might have gone to Columbia the country because there is no F-ing way that broad went to college. I have to agree.

No-- this wasn't her date, I just like the picture and the "Project Runway" dude.

Back in NY Luann is on a date with her gay friend. It’s a rather boring scene really. I don’t care to watch people ordering in a restaurant. He is trying to be flirty. Luann makes it clear in her private interview that she doesn’t want to be serious. He is acting weird. The guy gives me the willies. Suddenly he presents her with a gift. HIS BOOK. A product plug !?! Well that NEVER happens on this show!!

He starts to push her for information on what she is doing. Then he proceeds to try to flirt in a manner that makes me never want sex again….or at least for a long time. He has a slimy vibe to him. He starts kissing Luann and she doesn’t seem to be very into it. I want to call the police and get a background check on the guy. Never mind. Run Luann. RUN.

In St. John the girls are snorkeling. Sonja tells us she did not want to ruin her good hair day to snorkel. Her hair looked like….nevermind.

Dinner on the yacht: SEATING CHART. Ramona doesn’t want Kelly and Bethenny fighting. I give her credit for trying. Alex gives a toast. It’s nice. For a moment.

Bethenny, Kelly, and Sonja are talking. B opens up about her father and the fact that he seems to have never loved her. Kelly is hyper defensive about EVERYTHING B says. Even when she discusses the pain of her father not loving her, Kelly defends the man. Tells B she needs to accept it for what it is and then tells her that it is not ‘uncommon”…I wonder who she hangs out with?

Ramona pops in very drunk. She has been on the neighboring yacht which is owned by the owner of Hooters. She wants everyone to come visit that yacht with her. Suddenly Sonja yells out to Kelly “When you have sex, do you ever think about women?”….I caught that. I think she might have been hitting on her. She then chastises her for not having one night stands. I am going to guess Sonja missed the news of the aids epidemic?

Sonja is now in her personal interview commenting on how when she is around the conversation always turns to sex. They think she is Dr. Ruth. Ummm…Nooo….Sonja dear, YOU bring it up.

Bethenny agrees she has had a one night stand. That is enough to start puritanical Kelly onto a speech about how she doesn’t do such things. She is from the Mid-west. Sonja doesn’t believe Kelly. She laments that no one wants to die without a one-night stand. Wow. Is that really an important aspect to life?

Sonja is feeling like she needs compliments. Bethenny plays along and gives her compliments and a hug. I think I like the non-drinking B.

Suddenly Kelly starts on a new rant. Why do people need titles: “Victim. Survivor.? Why can’t they enjoy the life that that they are living now?”

Sonja says “You’re not judgmental?”…which was an excellent reply. Kelly assures her that she is not. Sonja says that Kelly gets upset when people feel emotions.

Kelly then says…and I have to quote this “To be honest with you this whole feelings thing..it’s like 1979.” She goes on to say that life is too short for pesky things like feelings and emotions.

Sonja is quickly learning to play along and I am starting to like her. She says what she likes about Bethenny is that she is a survivor and doesn’t play the victim. Kelly then says she is wrong and that Bethenny plays the victim a lot. She then launches into a full blown attack on Bethenny.

“Bethenny tries to make people feel bad so that she can feel better about herself”

Bethenny begins to question her and Kelly brings up their argument from last season. Bethenny tells her to let it go. She accuses B of putting her and her kids in the press and when B denies it she says “No one cares about you Bethenny. No one cares.”

Kelly follows with a list of what she thinks about Bethanny: vindictive, malicious, cunning and deceitful. Oh, and it’s creepy. OUCH. I am guessing that Kelly never read any articles on how to comfort grieving people? Just a guess. She also doesn’t seem to realize that when you enter your kids onto a reality TV show YOU are the one that put them in the press.

Oh, but she is not done. She is now on her feet to say ‘You are not a chef but a COOK and it’s creepy.” I wonder what is creepy about being a cook? B corrects her and says that she went to culinary school. Then Kelly tells her that no one asks her because nobody cares. Kelly’s social skills are off the charts. Bethanny actually kept her cool here and I give her a lot of credit for that.

Kelly tells us that she would like to look at Bethanny’s resume’ so she can see what she has actually done. I wonder if Kelly has a resume?

Bethanny tells her that she speaks and she doesn’t know what she is talking about and then says “you are the most unintelligent person she has ever had the pleasure to be around. The worst vocabulary….” she is cut off by Kelly announcing that this is the world according to Bethenny.

She is glad she is not a ho-bag like Bethenny. That made Bethanny laugh and I was glad to see that.

Bethanny decided to go over to the Hooters boat. Good call.

Ramona is over there kissing on the owner of Hooters. She started talking about her hubby and how much she loves him. That is nice. Bethanny is on the scene and tries to express what just happened. I don’t know how she could explain it because even after watching it twice it is hard to understand.

Sonja comes to tell the group that Kelly is like a dog with a bone and has no basis for her argument. Kelly announces that Bethenny has issues. Ramona loudly announces that she is not going to let this go on. She is in Kelly’s face and tells her to STOP.

Ramona, Alex, and Bethenny all go out dancing. Sonja and Kelly go back to the boat. I got a strong impression that Sonja was hitting on Kelly. I got that vibe several times. I could be wrong. I don’t care either way, just a noticed it.

Next week we will see how this trip possibly could get worse. It looks like it does.

As Life & Style first reported, Sonja Morgan is joining The Real Housewives of New York City. The 45-year-old socialite and movie producer, who’s married to John Morgan, the great-grandson of J.P. Morgan, should provide plenty of drama: She recently lost a major legal battle with Hannibal Pictures over a movie in which John Travolta had been tapped to star. “She just lost a breach of contract case with a judgment against her for $7,066,294,” says an insider. “I am appealing,” Sonja tells Life & Style. “I hope the truth will be told.”

The Real Housewives of New York City star and her husband Jason Hoppy welcomed a baby girl Saturday, her rep confirms to PEOPLE.

“Bethenny and Jason are proud to welcome their new baby girl, Bryn Hoppy, born at 8 a.m. . . . in New York City,” the rep says. “She is a 4 lb. 12 oz., healthy baby. Bryn, mom, dad and [their dog] Cookie are all very happy.”

This show is out of control. What happened this season? I feel kind of dirty for watching. Normal social boundaries do not apply here. We grew up being taught that gossip was bad, saying mean things is wrong, and you should not talk about people behind their backs. Right? Violating those simple rules is all this show is about anymore.

Much of this episode focused on Alex’s decision to carry a message to Jill and deliver it in front of several people. Everyone has an opinion and feels that they are entitled to share it. Alex isn’t allowed to share her thoughts though; when she tries she is either cut off or talked over. She listens intently with her scarecrow face furrowed into strange expressions. She is very polite and even kind while she is being crucified. Watching it happen was painful and yet I somehow came away with a lot of respect for Alex. I would have lost my cool quickly and suggested several things they should do; most of them starting with F.

One of the more ironic moments was when the Countess asked Alex if she thought she was God while she was chastising her for getting involved. Alex resisted the easy shot and did not point out that the Countess was doing the exact same thing.

Finally, after being yelled at by enough people, including BOBBY, Alex tried to talk to Jill. Guess what? Jill won’t let her. Jill would rather nurse her wounds and continue her season as a professional victim.

Which brings me to Jill. What is wrong with her? She was crying about Bethenny and at one point says that when Bethenny was ready to talk to her she couldn’t talk because she DIDN’T HAVE HER NOTES!?! WHAT?? Is that an insane thing to say? She couldn’t make up with her friend because she needed notes? And she needed the right camera angle too- right?

It’s ok though. Now Jill has two nemesis to deal with so she can be properly victimized for the rest of the season. Expect more crying and comforting next week. Poor poor Jill. I wish her mother would come to town and tell her to put her big girl panties on and grow up.

Ramona surprised me this week. When Bethenny reached out to her during one of the hardest days of b’s life, Ramona was amazing. She has the right words, the proper empathy, and her tears were real. As crazy and strange as she has been this season, that moment redeemed her in my mind. I wish we could see more of Ramona in this mode.

Bethenny , I have nothing but kindness to wish to her this week. I have a message for her: Pregnant, losing a father after years of estrangement, no solid support network in your life….Girl, you are doing great. You have made something of your life. You are STRONG. I don’t think YOU believe that and I think you are your own worst critic. You keep those walls up and your use biting humor to protect yourself. I get that. I hope and pray that the new baby and husband in your life will help you learn to lower your guard a little. Appropriately, of course.

Kelly is coming across much better this season. I could not stand the nut job last year. This time she is not in your face and seems more comfortable with taking a quieter role. It suits her much better.

Last thing: The new lady. I don’t get it. I can’t even remember her name. In my opinion she is not very attractive and not very interesting. She is attempting to create a character out of herself and it’s a little pathetic. Most of what she says and does seems as though she is trying to show something off or prove that she is some amazing socialite. She’s trying too hard. Yawn.