“Alright, I built a castle out of diamonds, an underground castle (of diamonds), I have a large chest full of every item in game (made of diamonds), and I blew a hole with tnt (Diamonds were used to mine the sand and gunpowder). Now what is there to do?!?!”

Minecraft (alternately spelled "Meinkrafte" or "Meinkampf") is a sandbox video game detailing the rise of Adolf Hitler from a poor Austrian miner to the Chancellor of Germany. Minecraft is widely considered the worst and most shit game ever created. The typical cure for minecraft addiction is a generous dose of .455 Webley (aka vitamin lead). Minecraft addiction is widely considered the most dangerous threat to humanity at this time.

Contents

Gameplay

You start in the middle of Nazi Germany, (which coincidentally looks more like a Canadian city.) where you must battle Hitler's forces of doom. Your main goal is to create a base (where even more rapist foes will spawn) to live to be safe from zombies, skeletons, PIGmen zombies (coincidentally Nazi Zombies[1] , Nazis, giant spiders, slime balls, white jellyfish that shoot fireballs and "creepers" (AKA - the government's secret walking exploding green penii (penises) that make a cloud of white "smoke" upon asploding.), Michael Jackson, nerds, Nazis, fat racist idiots and Elvis Presley impersonators. There are some reports of Rebecca Black spawning in user created cars.

Minecraft's biggest pest...the cow.

Many of the creepers in Minecraft are trained as professional Taliban suicide bombers, often sneaking up on you when you least expect it and blowing you and your humble little home to smithereens. They will spawn wherever there is no light, so it is very important to fill your pants and inventory with torches and spam them wherever you think you'll spend any time whatsoever. However, if no torches are available, pants filled with pumpkins holding everlasting candles (as bright as sunlight) will do.

Naturally, the first thing any reasonable and intelligent player will do is walk up to a tree and repeatedly punch it with his bare fist. This will quickly break the meter-wide trunk (leaving the tree afloat), which he will then cut up into planks using his bare hands, and the little inventory screen he sees with his magical eyes. He then uses these wooden planks to build a workbench, complete with metal saws, hammers, pliers and a screwdriver. Who knows what God A.K.A. "The Notch" was thinking?

your typical minecraft nerd.

After that, any sensible player will try to get his/her/its hands on some stone. They do this by building a wooden pickaxe (that will become completely fucked after a few seconds) at their workbench. This pickaxe will rapidly obliterate solid rock and turn it into large chunks of cobblestone, which can be used to make stone pickaxes (for the Runescape players, please fuck off of this game. Go play Call of Duty or something.), which can be used to obtain iron, which can be used to make iron pickaxes, which can be used to obtain diamonds, which can be used to make diamond pickaxes, which can be used to obtain obsidian, which can be used to make portals to Hell,The Nether Mexico, where you mine bloody cobblestone, which can be used to make a burning field of death for all who choose to oppose your reign of terror over the masses of mindless creatures.

Other important tools include shovels (used to collect dirt, shit, snow, clay, sand, and gravel), axes (for wimps who don't want to punch trees apart like Chuck Norris), hoes (no, not that kind you pervert, unless you happen to be playing SkankCraft, where you must find enough gold to make yourself pimp), and flint n' steel (for making fires). You also need weapons to help you fight monsters, kill animals, break leaves and glass at double the speed, and destroy old peoples' homes. If you play in Peaceful Mode, there will be no monsters to fight, only animals and hobos that will constantly get in your way, no matter what you do. The first weapon is the sword, which is made by attaching wood, stone, iron, gold or diamonds to a lollipop stick. The second is the bow, which is a little more complicated to make. You must kill a spider by hitting it so hard it shits out string. You then place this web next to a few sticks, thus creating a bow. This bow can be used for anything, and, unlike other tools, will never break. Because, you know, it is made of a spider's web.

The Nazi headquarters.

Most players end up creating a giant, impregnable castle, or a massive penis house, a Nazi lair, thus eliminating the need for the weapons they stockpiled and taking all the fun out of the game. To make the experience even worse, many will create large farms and start growing crops, although you never need food unless you're injured, since you are playing on peaceful that will never happen.

An exploding penis shown here as it snuck up on a spider and relentlessly started nailing in the ass as hard as it could go.(remember to always have a sword on handy!!!)

These poor little bastards haven't a clue what's going on when you mount one and ride them.Remember to help stop AIDS...Use a saddle!!!

Um,Yeah...I don't think you'll be wanting to sit in that chair!

Multiplayer

Notch later added Multiplayer, which allowed many Minecrafters to play together over the Interwebs, creating Griefers, also known as 9 year-old kids that think it is cool to burn down log cabins. It's fun if you're the griefer, but sucks if you're the victim (But you should try it).

There are servers in the "multicrafter" in which crafters that know more about computers than you, hack. They make all sorts of rules, restrictions, and jails that are anything but fun. Luckily, when you finally get out of jail, you can try to grief their buildings unless they're protected by a hack, as previously mentioned. Also you can fly.

Fortunately, there are those few rare servers that aren't totally full, have great people on there, and protected from griefers. On these holy grails, everyone talks, trades, and even kills creepers together. Until PvP is added. Then you're screwed.

One metagame in Minecraft involves building giant penises out of wood, stone or whatever you have "handy". This also became known as "Getting wood". The general rule is the bigger you make the aformentioned monument, the smaller your actual wang is. It is rumored that The Almighty Notch created a smaller block just for himself for this exact reason. This Quantum Block is rumored to be smaller than a pixel. Notch also made it so that the viewing distance cap of said block is much farther, for the same reason as before.

Notch later made Beta into Alpha Dec. 20th. Why he would revert it so there are more problems is unknown.

Notch has also given many promises. All the ones that he attempted to fulfill (like the lantern), were hated by the community and immediately scrapped. This is why to this day, many, many different items were left as hash-codes, like the spiderweb and the legendary quiver. Pot leaves were also removed because 'The game is addictive enough as it is" But, a secondary version has been confirmed, titled StonerCraft. The object is to grow as much weed as possible and try to get higher than other players. Some MOBs (Masturbation Of the Boogymen) were removed, like "Rana", a girl with a frog hat, and the "Boy hungry Priest" for obvious offensive references that the church, and the Almighty Notch, would like to forget.

Griefing

One of the very most important parts of Minecraft is griefing online servers. It is easiest on classic servers because it takes one fourth of a second to destroy anything. However, you must be careful while griefing, as a chronic griefing addiction can get you banned from every server known to man. An experienced griefer will be able to grief a building, see the builder's reaction, and not get caught.

Facts

All Minecrafters share a fondness for diamonds and iron (some also go out of their way to try to gather as much wood as possible). However, they all hate gold, sunlight, Adolf Hitler and chickens.

Can swim even if the player is over a meter away from water.

Gold has exactly the same strength as wood, but cannot be used as a replacement for it.

A boat will explode if it touches land.

Free range chickens don't exist.

Diamonds are Awsome.

Gravity is an optional lifestyle choice for most objects.

Arrows do break windows.

Doors open without swinging.

Milk is unpure, tainted, and it's white.

There were girls in the Minecraft World. Even though they are awsome at being useless and HOT! Sadly they were removed because the Nerd were to into the fucking game to get a life!

Shovels made of diamond are as effective at breaking a flower, it's da best.

Pigs are awsome.

Fire can burn tree's.

Obsidian is immune to explosions.

Fire can be on fire.

Fire can be made into a nice, posh hat

Bookshelves contain 6 on each side, but only take 3 books to make.

And books range in sizes, but are only made out of 3 folded pieces of paper.

The world is eight times the surface of Earth, but only 64 meters deep. Dig through the bottom, you fall forever.

Enemies are were more tolerant to light the farther underground, but Notch reverted it after one too many Creeper zerg rushes.

Jack-o-Lanterns don't go out underwater.

Pumpkins grow with pre-carved faces on them.

Minecarts, minecart tracks, and boats will used to cause the end of the world if placed in game online. Now minecarts just send you off the edge of an unloaded chunk, and boats will spontaneously A Splode within 100 meters of something that isn't water.

Fish and pork can be eaten raw, with no side effects.

You can carry 2304 eggs at once without dropping a single one of them. Other food types can be carried up to 36 at a time.

Eggs can be thrown off of cliffs without being damaged.

Apple trees exist in game, but finding one is quite hard. Especially if you've followed the path of Johnny Appleseed.

Moss grows on cobblestone only in the presence of a magic cage that also unleashes shit upon you. Said cage used to be disable able with two adjacent torches, but now just slows down the spawn rate.

Oceans that are only 10 meters deep, but mountains are 60 meters tall. Strange how real biomes are in-proportionate.

Your inventory is blocks. Although his sack is 2302 times bigger than him, it is impossible to see it.

Lava doesn't cool.

Ice and glowstone (more commonly "glowing honeycomb of frustration) both have the sound of glass breaking.

Gold is as strong as wood, but wood and stone pickaxes both cannot break gold.

Cobblestone from hell will burn forever like the soul of Barack Obama after the plan commences...

Unlike the bloody stone from hell, mossy cobblestone cant burn.

Lava burns stone from time to time.

Sleeping in a bed in a well-lit room will accelerate space-time to the next morning. However, other processes of the world will freeze, such as furnaces and wheat growing, and you need to set them on fire to get it working again. Also, if a hostile mob can get line-of-sight to your bed, it'll violently wake you up, which is why you never sleep outside.

Steel does not exist.

Torches are not REALLY on fire.

Sponges repel water.

On the 22nd of certain months, sulfur can transmute itself into gunpowder.

Blue dye is rarer than diamond. Clay is somewhat rarer.

Signs are waterproof.

In Soviet Russia, Castle Builds You!

As a drug, Minecraft can be taken visually or anally, Minecraft stimulates the Kung Fu Gland and the Sexual Pleasure Gland, normally resulting in an orgasm. Withdrawal effects include dementia (often shown by mercilessly beating inanimate objects with your bare fists screaming "OMG WHERE BE TEH DIAMONDS?!"), and curling yourself into a fetal position and muttering random splash screen phrases over and over. It is advised to not attempt to stop taking this drug as it has only positive health effects and poses no threat (similar to marijuana)

A dungeon that has been in existence for all of three minutes has moss on the walls, but a month-old house never will.

The entire universe is divided into 16 meter by 16 meter chunks, roughly large enough to contain your mom.

Diamond ore is just as explosion resistant as wood.

Obsidian, a glass-like substance, is about ten times stronger than stone.

Like in the modern world, spiders climb horizontally

Punching Solves everything

Elements

Wood: When in doubt, punch trees!

Planks: When in doubt, Press E (or I if you have an older version)!

Sticks: The foundation of most items, however, it's been said, that if you can get your hands on a stick and some diamonds, you will be able to destroy all who stand in your way. Use it to your advantage!

Leaves: The leftover parts of trees. Initially, the player will believe that they are useless and walk off holding his wood (sexual innuendo intended). However, they drop saplings which can be planted to make new trees. Of course, some players leave them or burn them and then eventually will run out of wood and be forced to walk long distances to collect just one block of wood.

Coal: All you need to create a torch is a piece of coal and a stick. Yet you didn't create any means of fire. Coal can be used for cooking stuff in a furnace, but pussies choose to burn wood and create charcoal instead (which is literally the same as coal).

Iron: Literally the basic thing you need for removal of items quicker. Iron can also be made into a nice white block, but nobody really makes those.

Gold: Gold has opposites in the real world and Minecraft. In the real world, it's precious. In Minecraft, it's useless and nobody gives a shit about it.

Redstone: Originally starting out as ore, redstone can drop a special powdery substance used to create electricity. Since then, many Minecrafters have gone mad and created incredible electronic objects like calculators and even the Internet.

Lapis Lazuli: Another useless material only used to create a blue dye. Can be used on sheep for pleasure.

Diamond: The 'DO WANT' of every player. The player spends countless hours mining with his iron pickaxes until eventually he finds a couple of diamonds. Diamonds are supposedly the strongest material in the game, but obsidian is somehow two hundred times stronger (according to the blast resistance). As well as this, a block of diamond is as weak as wood. Obviously, when a player has finished mining a bunch of diamonds, something happens that causes you to permanently lose them (for example, lava or a creeper).

The Minecraft Man

The character the player plays as has numerous unique abilities. He is rumored to be Chuck Norris' great grandfather (but is not confirmed) and the creator of the 4-Bit Earth. The Minecraft Man:

Can climb up ladders…backwards…without using his bare hands, or legs.

Can fall for several seconds, and instantly stop himself by catching a ladder, with no ill effects.

Can punch apart trees anything, even rock with his bare hands.

Can punch a sheep so hard that its wool falls off.

Can punch through stone with his bare hands.

Can forge metal and diamond weapons/tools/armor with his bare hands.

Can run and jump normally when encased in heavy armor and carrying over 9,001 one million tons of rock.

Can create metal tools out of wood with his barehands

Can swim up a waterfall.

Can fall in lava, jump out (rarely) and put himself out with a bucket of water.

Can scoop up lava in an iron bucket with his hands, and carry it round in his pants.

Can punch things apart (with his bare hands) without being close enough to touch them.

Can punch a zombie to death, without being zombified...with his bare hands.

Can level a mountain with his bare hands.

Can punch out fire with his bare hands.

Can kill zombies with a piece of paper.

Can beat a poor green penis to death with his bare hands. Or maybe a diamond sword, held in his bare hands.

Minecraft man himself.

Can successfully smelt iron and other raw minerals without getting burnt... with his bare hands.

Can set a torch alight without any means of creating fire. Oh yeah, he does this with his bare hands.

Can fire arrows at 500 RPM without pulling back the bowstring.

Can fall 500 meters and survive by landing in 2 meters of water

Can paint a large picture in less than one second with his bare hands.

Can punch through cacti with his bare hands without getting hurt.

Can carry well over 2000 items without a backpack or storage device.

Can take five arrows to the face and keep going strong.

Can make living slime balls undergo premature mitosis... with his bare hands.

Can grind and cook 3 bundles of wheat into perfectly baked bread. With his bare hands.

Can invent electricity out of red dust. Again, with his bare hands.

Can till soil and collect seeds. But he needs his big dirty hoe to accomplish this, if it's a crack hoe, throw it away and craft a new one.

Can fall from great hights and only get hurt a bit.

Can survive long falls by placing a block of water before he lands.

Can change the difficulty of his world to suit his liking.

Can go FOREVER without food.

Can sink.

Can somehow create massive floating structures out of perfect cubes of dirt... with his bare hands.

Can squeeze gold blocks into a wooden box with his bare hands until it's 208.44 times denser than the core of the sun. This means that he can hold exactly 33,384,960 kg of gold in his chest. He can, however, carry the whole thing in his pants and run normally (He can also hold 64 gold blocks in his bare hands)

Can build a complete city with his bare hands in a day.

Can make a working jukebox out of planks and a diamond with his bare hands.

Can survive being on fire by eating.

Can carry a river or waterfall in a bucket.

Can somehow create a battery that never depletes, only using some red dust and a stick... with his bare hands.

Can smelt gold, iron and diamonds into full blocks, and change them back... with his bare hands.

Can twist his head around to the other side of his body.

Can survive a large TNT blast sheltered by only a minecart. Better than Indiana Jones and his refrigerator!

Can survive underwater without drowning out by eating.

Can survive a fall to the bottom of a world, either by falling into two meters of water, or by riding a pig. The pig, on the other hand, will die.

Can rip a new space-time continuum with 10-14 cubic meters of obsidian and a fire.

Can put a large amount of boxes in a box half their size.

Can create an unlimited amount of items with just a chest and a single instance of the target item. Hello, infinite diamond. (With his bare hands.)

Can grapple and reel in nearby mobs and vehicles with a fishing pole. Eat your heart out, Indy.

Could light TNT with his fist...with his bare hands.

Can craft 1 cubic meter of wood into 4 cubic meters of planks with his bare hands! Which can be further turned into... eight sticks.

Can make bookcases out of his bare hands...again.

Can make platforms for climbing up a wall...or just make staircases up the wall.

Can turn pigs to bacon in 1 second.

Can kill a legion of zombies with a flower...with a flower. What, you wanted another bare hands joke? Well, he IS holding the flower in his bare hands, thankyouverymuch.

Can go to hell, fight zombie PIGmen and a couple of fire-breathing giant octupi, and come back without a scar... with his bare hands.

Can make swords not in a furnace, but on a wooden workbench, which will not break if a blacksmith hammer hits it... with his bare hands.

Can fish limitless fish from a 1 meter cubed block of water... this time, with a fishing pole. But holding that fishing pole...is his bare hands.

Can wear armor but have others unable to see it in Multiplayer mode... again, with his bare hands.

Can make a farm with 1 hoe and a plot of land. They then proceed eat the junk all day just to fit their needs.

Can see through the ground to find caverns filled with masses of lava. Rumor has it Chuck Norris once went adventuring in those *caverns.

Never gets STDs

Can Create a pile of pre-fabricated leather by punching a cow four times

Can fall and break a leg. Even after that, can run just fine.

Can eat bread underwater. How they do this is unknown.

Can create infinite doors just by placing two cacti 1 block apart and placing the door between them.

Can bestow infinite momentum on a minecart by forcing multiple other minecarts to occupy the same space-time co-ordinates on an adjacent track.

Can carry a bucket of Lava *without* burning himself, before using it to make an incinerator to liquify his surplus rock.

Can use alchemy on flowers, bits of cactus, blue rocks, bones, and squid bladders to create various substances.

Can use said substances to change the genetic makeup of a sheep, permanently altering the color of wool it produces to whatever you marinated it with. It is possible to do this 15 different ways. Rumor has it that a 16th chemical was planned, but killed for violating a copywrong officer.

Can kill a slime by THROWING SNOWBALLS!

Can perform various percussion rudiments, symphonies, and effects (better than Ryan) by using a rythm block atached to various material.

Can skin a cow with his bare hands!

Can't masturbate...with his bare hands!

Can do anything (except sate his vigorous lust) with his bare hands.

Can run forever without sitting down to rest.

Can swim forever after eating cake without cramping.

Can kill anything using snowballs.

Has complete disregard for health and safety.

Can crush himself in gravel or sand, and survive by walking out of it.

Has the ability to rip off his skin, recolour it and put it back on...and still survives.

Can make a pair of scissors with two pieces of iron.

Mobs

Creepers: Penis shaped monsters that creep up on you and then blow your ass up. These noobsticks most commonly spawn in your house while you're out mining for diamonds. However, you can beat them up with your bare hands. They also love to make you loose everything you were carrying, never to find them again.

Zombies: In short, they ran into a creeper in their normal life and it asploded in their face. You can survive being zombified by one of these guys by eating cake, entirely crafted with your bare hands.

Skeletons: The third most hated mob in Minecraft (behind cows and creepers). They won't stop firing arrows and they can ride spiders like a boss. You can't kill them cause they fire arrows at your face until you die.

Spiders: You can't outrun a spider. This constantly makes you extremely mad especially when a skeleton is sitting on it.

Slimes: Related to the common creeper. You find them in small caves, where you never look until you realize "OMG THERE'S GOLD DOWN THARE!!! I'LL BE RICH!!!". No matter where you go after seeing one, they'll follow you. You can kill them, but they drop their slimeballs, which are useless used to get your self-extending shaft all sticky.

Sheep: Strange mob that wanders around aimlessly. The only thing you can do with them is collect their wool or dye them a nice colour for your pleasure. Then most likely collect their wool again.

Chickens: They're really annoying when they invade your house, because they run around at the speed of sound and you can't kill them because they're smaller than viruses.

Pigs: Annoying animals that drop pre-made porkchops upon death.

Cows: Annoying. Drops prepared hide upon death, hitting it anywhere with an empty bucket will result in you getting milk (which you can't drink).

Squid: Technically it's an octopus - count the legs. Drops an ink sac upon death, which is completely useless because all you can do with them is dye sheep a color that they can naturally spawn with. And they have this creepy ass mouth underneath them.

Zombie Pigman: Semi-pig semi-zombie animals which are half man, half pig, and half zombie that can be found in the Nether or after a man raping a pig gets struck by lightning and bitten by a zombie. This is, of course, an extremely common occurrence, resulting in their never-ending supply to spawn with. Thought to be a close cousin of the infamous Man-Bear-Pig. Strangely enough, they have a gold sword, but the only thing you get after killing one is a cooked porkchop and a whole mob of zombie pigmen coming after you.