The
Not 100% Complete FAQs for the Pretty Fucked Up Person in a Pretty Fucked
Up World

Patience Bad; Complaining Good

When
you don't pay attention to Fucked Up Shit, it gets mad and resentful
and pouty and starts treating you like the enemy and devising ways to
get your Brain to do stupid things so it can laugh at you behind your
back to hide its hurt feelings that you never pay attention to it. So
let's dive right into some ways Fucked Up Shit tries to Fuck Up Your
Life.

Way
No. 1 - It tells you to be patient.

Many
times, right away, as soon as you start to identify some Fucked
Up Shit in your life, it will hurriedly instruct your brain to be
patient. For example, if you are having to get up at 3 a.m. every
night to feed the baby and this is just pure fucking torture for
you, right away, the Fucked Up Shit of being awakened every three
hours will tell you to be patient.

And of course
you will buy right into this because you'll think - I can't be impatient
about feeding the baby. It's a helpless infant. That would make me
a horrible person. I can't afford to be a horrible person. What if
I did something horrible? That would be so horrible if I did something
horrible. I can't even think about that. I absolutely do not mind
being awakened EVERY THREE FUCKING HOURS when I would otherwise be
blissfully sleeping because I am so fucking happy that I am not the
kind of horrible person who resents HAVING TO DRAG MY ASS OUT OF BED
five times a night to the sounds of pitiful hungry ear-splitting screeching.
In fact, I feel very fucking patient about it.

This is a
bad strategy. It plays right into the hands of Fucked Up Shit, whose
goal is to take over your life in revenge for not paying attention
to it.

Implement instead
alternate back-up strategy No. 3 from the previous page. Like this
- Step 1: Be awakened by baby. Step 2: Groan, moan and roll about
as you attempt to re-engage with wakefulness. Step 3: Sigh and say
to yourself - Ah, now that's some Fucked Up Shit. Oh god, I hate
getting up like this. Step 4: Brighten as you think briefly about
getting your spouse to feed the baby. Realize this won't work. Step
5: Whine softly but loudly enough to wake your spouse. 'Oh God,
the baby's awake. I guess I have to get up and feed her.' Don't
get up. Listen to spouse mumble the word 'Mumble.' Shake spouse
awake. Repeat whiny phrase more loudly 'oh god, I hate to get up
like this.' Wait until spouse says 'I'm sorry you have to get up.
You want me to do something?' If spouse doesn't say this, give instructions
'Honey, feel sorry for me!' Wait until spouse mumbles, 'I'm sorry
honey.' Smile with satisfaction. Step 6: Get up and feed baby feeling
much better because your spouse feels sorry for you.

Now your Fucked
Up Shit feels better because someone paid attention to it and it has
not resentfully sneaked into the category 'Childrearing is Hell! I
have children, therefore my entire life is hell!' And you feel better
because someone has acknowledged that getting up in the middle of
the night is Fucked Up Shit. This keeps Fucked Up Shit where it belongs,
which is in the dreadful experience of being pulled from sleep and
out of where it doesn't belong - which is nursing. This keeps it from
interfering with the fun parts of having an infant, such as all that
touching and soft baby skin shit.

On the other hand,
if you were determined to be all patient and shit, your body would
react by saying to itself, oh fine, I'll guess I'll just live out
this nightmare of oppression and sacrifice as my very own children
suck the lifeblood of sleep from my veins and my spouse takes advantage
of his position in life by snoozing away peacefully, leaving me the
only one who is getting screwed over here. And the Fucked Up Shit
of being awakened would sneak over into the general category of Being
Married and Having Children and so on and it would spread out and
start making itself comfortable.

Meanwhile, you
would feel guilty as shit for having put your helpless children and
the spouse upon which you depend or would like to depend into the
broad category of Fucked Up Shit. And so you would have to not realize
you did this and go around pretending you don't think they are Fucked
Up Shit when really you do.

And the Fucked
Up Shit in your life would be multiplying and spreading like a virus,
engendering more and more and more moments in which you can feel incredibly
fucking resentful and have to pretend that you don't until there are
you criticizing everyone you live with ruthlessly and tirelessly because
as far as you are concerned they are FUCKED UP SHIT and you want them
to go away, which of course is terrible so now you are consistently
terrified that you are going to make everyone go away and you will
be all alone and hated which you should be because you are such a
terrible person to think your kids and husband are FUCKED UP SHIT
but in your mind they are and you REALLY FUCKING WISH THEY WOULD GO
AWAY.

This is not a
pretty cycle to get into. When something sucks, you can always acknowledge
that it sucks. Secretly, sneakily and cleverly if you'd like. Not
necessarily publicly, whinily, and annoyingly. There is no need to
make everyone hate you by announcing to them all the time 'Now you're
some Fucked Up Shit!' That's neither wise nor necessary. All Fucked
Up Shit really wants is attention. Attention, sympathy, flattery -
the same things anyone else wants. So slather it briefly with attention
and be done with it. Don't let it sneak into everything else because
it couldn't find enough nourishment in its natural home.

Fucked
Up Shit Tactic No. 2 - It encourages you to COMPLAIN ABOUT IT.

Fucked Up Shit
loves to be complained about. It knows that when you complain about
it, it means you are not going to do anything about it. Therefore
it vigorously encourages you to complain about all sorts of Fucked
Up Shit you could actually be doing something about...and discourages
you from complaining about the Fucked Up Shit there is no compelling
reason for getting rid of.

For example, it
will tell you to complain about your house. Knowing full fucking well
that if you stopped complaining about it, you'd have all this fucking
energy with which to get fucking rid of the house and get another
one. It doesn't want you to do that! So it rewards you for complaining
by making complaining feel so fucking good. Ah.... Complaining. One
of life's true pleasures. Frequently wasted on Fucked Up Shit that
would be better off going somewhere else besides your life.

Meanwhile, it
will also encourage you NOT to complain about things you really have
no need to do anything about, like your husband's off-putting and
yet bizarrely fascinating way of snorting while he laughs. Or your
wife's incredibly inconvenient habit of putting the cordless phone
anywhere but on its cradle, including on occasion, the freezer. You're
not going to do anything about this shit, fucked up or not. You couldn't
if you tried. And there's no real reason to. Your husband is a Congenital
Snorter. And your wife simply lacks a certain nodule in the Brain
responsible for understanding why it's so much more convenient not
to have to HUNT FOR THE GODDAMN FUCKING PHONE every time it rings.
It's genetics. It's life. It's not worth getting a divorce over. It's
not worth seeing a therapist over. And it's not worth subjecting the
genetically impaired spouse to repeated verbal abuse over (although
it might be worth subjecting the spouse to Sporadic Stressed Verbal
Abuse occasionally, just for fun and to make sure everyone in
the marriage is still awake and capable of having their feelings hurt).

And yet Fucked
Up Shit will frequently and nonsensically tell you - 'Why complain?
It's not like you can do anything about your husband's Embarrrassing
Social Laughter problem or your wife's natural Ability to Drive
Rational People Insane.' And you'll say - 'You're right. There's
nothing I can do about it. God knows I've tried.' And then you'll
heave a hearty sigh and feel all fucked up and oppressed and sorry
for yourself. Bingo! Fucked Up Shit has you right where it wants you.

Fucked Up Shit
is a liar and your brain is a fool to listen to it. The fact you can't
or aren't going to do anything about some Fucked Up Shit, is precisely
why you should complain about it. If you can't get rid of it -
enjoy it!Complaining is fun. It's so fun it could be
a full-time hobby. Switch over, reverse your natural complaint settings
so that you stop complaining about Fucked Up Shit you are going to
kill and start complaining about Fucked Up Shit whose life you are
going to spare.

All this tells
your Fucked Up Shit that you are not scared of it. You don't
think it means something Important when you baby wakes up and cries
- something like YOU ARE A BAD PARENT. Which is what Fucked Up Shit
wants you to think. It wants you to think its Very Very Important.
Sometimes it is.

When it isn't
- mock it, laugh at it, tease it, talk bad about it behind its back
and generally treat it like a friend of the family. Fucked Up Shit
can handle this. It has a sense of humor. It can laugh. As long as
it's getting a little attention, it's willing to make fun of itself.
It doesn't mind being the star of a bitch session or a sarcastic story
- as long as it's the star. You can even have hilarious fun by threatening
it and promising it you will devise some sort of method of getting
rid of it. Just not right now. Later, sometime, when you are done
complaining.

For example, men
and women have been complaining about each other for years. This is
because although both sexes could be accurately classified as Fucked
Up Shit, neither sex wants to make the other go away. Not really.
Just a little bit. Just sometimes. The perfect situation for complaining.
Carry on the tradition! Complain about the people you love.

Special Procedural
Note: Should you complain about the people you love to their face
and frequently? Not really, unless you are just so goddamn entertaining
about it that they can't fucking get enough of it. Normally, however,
an alternate and preferable strategy is to complain about them to
their face occasionally just to let them know you are still paying
attention. And then complain about them behind their back -
frequently and hilariously.

Everyone will
love your stories about your lovably psychotic dog, your maladjusted
teenager, your hopelessly fucked up parents, your idiot friends, your
maniacal boss, and your exasperating significant other. You'll be
the life of every party! Quick, find things to complain about now!
Dump that whiny bitter heavy sigh complaining about the things in
your life that you should fix or kill as if the person listening to
you is really going to do it for you - and start finding things to
love that you can complain about! God, what a wonderful life you have....

Bonus Section!

Evil Tactics
Handy Summary and Random Bonus Tip:

Important
Fucked Up Shit should be killed and Unimportant Fucked Up Shit should
be enjoyed.

Being
Patient invites Fucked Up Shit to move in and bring all its heavy
furniture with it and turns Unimportant Fucked Up Shit into Important
Fucked Up Shit.

Complaining
tells Fucked Up Shit that it is Unimportant but can stay - although
only if it is willing to be mocked and made fun of. It can put
up with that - it loves the attention.

Not
Complaining and Not Being Patient tells your Fucked Up Shit that
it's in trouble and you have some secret plan for getting rid of
it. As far as Fucked Up Shit goes as long as it hears something,
either Patience or Complaining, it's in the clear. But when it hears
Silence....