Dating Advice #139 - The One Sticking Point

The wedding is a week away. He's a great guy, except for one thing...

I am currently engaged to a wonderful man that absolutely adores me, and who has all the qualities I'm looking for in a spouse. I recently read your checklist and I can successfully check everything off: I look up to my fiance for his worldview, intelligence, unselfishness and love of me (besides the many other qualities which I need -- and he has them all!). I also feel a strong sense of security and trust with him, and feel I can lean on him when necessary.

Except there is one point that I'm unclear about: I need to feel a strong "admiration" for a man who is really confident in himself. (Since I have a hard time with this myself, I admire it in others.) My fiance does have this trait to some degree, but not as much as I wanted. That leaves me feeling uncertain.

I do feel that he is someone that I can build a life with, but I got nervous when I read your point about the importance of "admiration." Does he have to especially possess that strong point that I admire, or is my ability to look up to him in certain areas enough?

I would really appreciate a quick answer, since I'm only a week away to my wedding and this makes me nervous!

Debbie

Dear Debbie,

It sounds to us that you have exactly the right admiration that one should have for a prospective spouse -- you admire a number of his very fine personal qualities. We've never said that a person must admire everything about a spouse, and in fact there will always be certain things that irritate or annoy everyone about the person they choose to spend their life with. This is entirely normal, and exists in even the happiest, healthiest marriages. Admiration doesn't mean admiring the entire person -- it means finding certain aspects of his or her personality to admire.

We once heard a lecture by a man who had delayed marriage until his 40s. He was speaking to an audience of "gun shy" bachelors, trying to convince them to consider marriage. In dispelling certain myths about marriage, he said: "There will be 50,000 things about your wife that you will not like. But, there will be 150,000 things about her that you do like, and when it all balances out, the good points will outweigh the negatives many times over." He's right.

As much as we hope that this idea calms you, we'd like to add one more thought. Throughout marriage, it is a good idea to focus on your spouse's best points, rather than his worst ones. We know someone who tells this little story from time to time to explain how to make this idea workable:

"My husband had a habit of leaving his socks and dirty clothes lying on the floor, instead of putting them in the hamper, and told me he'd 'get around' to them 'later'. It annoyed me to no end that even though we both worked hard at jobs, he took for granted the fact that his dirty clothes would find their way to the hamper every day. I'd remind him, ask him, and sometimes complain, but any improvements on his part were always short-lived. And, of course, I'd get angry and resentful whenever I had to pick up his clothes, which was almost daily.

"After we'd been married about seven years, as I bent down one more time to retrieve the past day's dirty socks from the bedroom floor, I realized that I was wasting a tremendous amount of emotional energy getting angry at a man who all-in-all was a very good husband and person. Yes, I resented the fact that clothes on the floor didn't bother him as much as it bothered me, and it made me feel taken-for-granted to have to pick them up on an almost daily basis. But, of all the things in our life together, this was one of the few items I even wanted to complain about -- the rest was pretty great. (And I knew there were things I did that irritated him on a daily basis...)

"From then on, picking up after him didn't bother me too much. And, interestingly, at some point down the road he decided to become a little neater and started to pick up after himself. The postscript to this is that it's now about 20 years after that minor epiphany, and while there are some other quirks of my husband's that I'm not crazy about, the good points still overwhelm the few negatives."

The postscript to this story doesn't mean that your future husband's issues with self-esteem will go away. It is true that there are ways he can address and improve his self-esteem, but that isn't the point. The point is that you can learn to take your focus away from this personality trait, and deal with it in a way that doesn't cause you frustration, or cause friction in your marriage. You can learn instead to focus on the many admirable qualities he possesses and the wonderful way you relate to each other. This is what every man and woman in a good marriage learns to do. And it is a learning process -- it doesn't come automatically.

We hope you can take our advice, move forward, enjoy your wedding day, and concentrate on building a happy life together with your husband.

About the Author

Questions for Rosie & Sherry can be sent to datingmaze@aish.com. Due to the large volume of questions received, they are unable to answer each one.

Rosie Einhorn (a psychotherapist) and Sherry Zimmerman (a psychotherapist and former family lawyer) are the authors of the newly-released book, Dating Smart – Navigating the Path to Marriage, published by Menucha Publishers. They are the founders of Sasson V'Simcha (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com), a non- profit organization that provides programs and services in North America, Israel, and Europe to help Jewish singles and the people who care about them.

Visitor Comments: 5

(5)
Sondra,
October 5, 2010 6:05 PM

wonderful memories

Our first time returning to our home after a day of work:
Him: Aren't you going to say anything about my socks?
Me: Why? Is there something wrong with them?
Him: They are on the floor. (the ones he took off last night)
Me: I assumed that's where you wanted them.
Him: But... (pause)
Me: You thought I would say something about putting them in the hamper?
Him: Well...
Me: If you want your socks in the hamper, put them there. If they are in the hamper when I do the laundry, I'll wash them. If they aren't, I'll assume that you didn't want me to wash them.
Him: But you're so neat. It doesn't bother you that there are socks on the floor?
Me: They are not My socks. And it's Our floor. You have as much right to put something on it as I do.
Through the years, there were occasionally socks on the floor overnight. They were always in the hamper before work the next day.

(4)
Julia,
November 17, 2003 12:00 AM

missing the point

The most glaring issue in this woman's letter is one these psychoanalysts failed to notice: the bride's own lack of self-confidence. She does mention that she suffers from it, and it is this problem that is making her doubt her choice - NOT the groom's lack of this trait. It is HER who needs to work on her self-esteem, so that such insignificant problems as this one do not arise, not the groom. Well, yes, maybe it would be to his benefit to address this problem of his, if he regards it as such, but his insecurity is far not the main problem in this situation.

(3)
Phil,
November 12, 2003 12:00 AM

Over-analysis, marriage paralysis

Unfortunately, this tendency to focus and stumble on ONE "character defect" in an otherwise sound marriage prospect, is all too common with single people today. Debbie should not get so hung-up on the confidence issue with her fiance when a great foundation(intelligence, unselfishness, security, trust)is there. Probably just pre-wedding jitters(I went through the same thing). Confidence in oneself waxes and wanes throughout EVERY person's life. Congratulations to Debbie.

(2)
robin,
November 10, 2003 12:00 AM

what we choose to focus on is everything

I gave the following Haim Ginot quote to almost all of my son's elem sch teachers... usually after they did something horrific :) im sure they loved me.... but i used it myself for parenting and it recently dawned on me i could use the last sentence for partnering... :

"I've come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element in the classroom. My personal approach creates the climate. My daily mood makes the weather. As a teacher, I possess a tremendous power to make a child's life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration. I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis will be escalated or de-escalated and a child humanized or dehumanized."

Haim Ginott

(1)
Regina,
November 9, 2003 12:00 AM

Just what I needed to hear!

I've been married for the past five months and getting used to my husband's mood swings is still not easy. Sometimes I drive myself to tears from hurt when he raises his voice. So I asked him to remind me every time he has to vent, that it's not me he is mad at, but it's his frustration from work. I'm glad to hear your great advice. It's good to know that not only I go through these adjustments. Thanks.

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I'm told that it's a mitzvah to become intoxicated on Purim. This puzzles me, because to my understanding, it is not considered a good thing to become intoxicated, period.

One of the characteristics of the at-risk youth is their use of drugs, including alcohol. In my experience, getting drunk doesn't reveal secrets. It makes people act stupid and irresponsible, doing things they would never do if they were sober. Also, I know a lot about the horrible health effects of abusing alcohol, because I work at a research center that focuses on addiction and substance abuse.

Also, I am an alcoholic, which means that if I drink, very bad things happen. I have not had a drink in 22 years, and I have no intention of starting now. Surely there must be instances where a person is excused from the obligation to drink. I don't see how Judaism could ever promote the idea of getting drunk. It just doesn't seem right.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Putting aside for a moment all the spiritual and philosophical reasons for getting drunk on Purim, this remains an issue of common sense. Of course, teenagers should be warned of the dangers of acute alcohol ingestion. Of course, nobody should drink and drive. Of course, nobody should become so drunk to the point of negligence in performing mitzvot. And of course, a recovering alcoholic should not partake of alcohol on Purim.

Indeed, the Code of Jewish Law explicitly says that if one suspects the drinking may affect him negatively, then he should NOT drink.

Getting drunk on Purim is actually one of the most difficult mitzvot to do correctly. A person should only drink if it will lead to positive spiritual results - e.g. under the loosening affect of the alcohol, greater awareness will surface of the love for God and Torah found deep in the heart. (Perhaps if we were on a higher spiritual level, we wouldn't need to get drunk!)

Yet the Talmud still speaks of an obligation on Purim of "not knowing the difference between Blessed is Mordechai and Cursed is Haman." How then should a person who doesn't drink get the point of “not knowing”? Simple - just go to sleep! (Rama - OC 695:2)

All this applies to individuals. But the question remains - does drinking on Purim adversely affect the collective social health of the Jewish community?

The aversion to alcoholism is engrained into Jewish consciousness from a number of Biblical and Talmudic sources. There are the rebuking words of prophets - Isaiah 28:1, Hosea 3:1 with Rashi, and Amos 6:6, and the Zohar says that "The wicked stray after wine" (Midrash Ne'alam Parshat Vayera).

It is well known that the rate of alcoholism among Jews has historically been very low. Numerous medical, psychological and sociological studies have confirmed this. The connection between Judaism and sobriety is so evident, that the following conversation is reported by Lawrence Kelemen in "Permission to Receive":

When Dr. Mark Keller, editor of the Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol, commented that "practically all Jews do drink, and yet all the world knows that Jews hardly ever become alcoholics," his colleague, Dr. Howard Haggard, director of Yale's Laboratory of Applied Physiology, jokingly proposed converting alcoholics to the Jewish religion in order to immerse them in a culture with healthy attitudes toward drinking!

Perhaps we could suggest that it is precisely because of the use of alcohol in traditional ceremonies (Kiddush, Bris, Purim, etc.), that Jews experience such low rates of alcoholism. This ceremonial usage may actually act like an inoculation - i.e. injecting a safe amount that keeps the disease away.

Of course, as we said earlier, all this needs to be monitored with good common sense. Yet in my personal experience - having been in the company of Torah scholars who were totally drunk on Purim - they acted with extreme gentleness and joy. Amid the Jewish songs and beautiful words of Torah, every year the event is, for me, very special.

Adar 12 marks the dedication of Herod's renovations on the second Holy Temple in Jerusalem in 11 BCE. Herod was king of Judea in the first century BCE who constructed grand projects like the fortresses at Masada and Herodium, the city of Caesarea, and fortifications around the old city of Jerusalem. The most ambitious of Herod's projects was the re-building of the Temple, which was in disrepair after standing over 300 years. Herod's renovations included a huge man-made platform that remains today the largest man-made platform in the world. It took 10,000 men 10 years just to build the retaining walls around the Temple Mount; the Western Wall that we know today is part of that retaining wall. The Temple itself was a phenomenal site, covered in gold and marble. As the Talmud says, "He who has not seen Herod's building, has never in his life seen a truly grand building."

Some people gauge the value of themselves by what they own. But in reality, the entire concept of ownership of possessions is based on an illusion. When you obtain a material object, it does not become part of you. Ownership is merely your right to use specific objects whenever you wish.

How unfortunate is the person who has an ambition to cleave to something impossible to cleave to! Such a person will not obtain what he desires and will experience suffering.

Fortunate is the person whose ambition it is to acquire personal growth that is independent of external factors. Such a person will lead a happy and rewarding life.

With exercising patience you could have saved yourself 400 zuzim (Berachos 20a).

This Talmudic proverb arose from a case where someone was fined 400 zuzim because he acted in undue haste and insulted some one.

I was once pulling into a parking lot. Since I was a bit late for an important appointment, I was terribly annoyed that the lead car in the procession was creeping at a snail's pace. The driver immediately in front of me was showing his impatience by sounding his horn. In my aggravation, I wanted to join him, but I saw no real purpose in adding to the cacophony.

When the lead driver finally pulled into a parking space, I saw a wheelchair symbol on his rear license plate. He was handicapped and was obviously in need of the nearest parking space. I felt bad that I had harbored such hostile feelings about him, but was gratified that I had not sounded my horn, because then I would really have felt guilty for my lack of consideration.

This incident has helped me to delay my reactions to other frustrating situations until I have more time to evaluate all the circumstances. My motives do not stem from lofty principles, but from my desire to avoid having to feel guilt and remorse for having been foolish or inconsiderate.

Today I shall...

try to withhold impulsive reaction, bearing in mind that a hasty act performed without full knowledge of all the circumstances may cause me much distress.

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