Column: Kinston mayor suffering from rare condition

By Jon Dawson / Columnist

Published: Monday, December 10, 2012 at 10:40 PM.

The first documented cases of the so-called “Bieber-Fever” were reported in Canada in 2008 when Justin Bieber’s mother began posting videos of her son singing Ne-Yo songs on YouTube. Within a few months, these spore-like videos began to infect the minds of impressionable youth all around the world.

R&B icon Usher swooped into action, signed Bieber to a contract and has, to date, hired several dozen accountants to keep up with the massive waves of cash that have hit in a tsunami-like fashion ever since.

“This Bieber problem is similar to the Pat Boone/Little Richard situation of the 1950s,” said Professor Link Wray of the Harvard School of Rock, Funk and Swing. “When Pat Boone covered Little Richard’s ‘Tutti Fruitti,’ it was played off as a business tool used to sell rock and roll to white record buyers. This may have been the end result, but the idea to do this unquestionably came from a demented, feverish mind.”

The professor continued, “I’ve looked at samples taken from victims of the Pat Boone incident in the 1950s and compared them to samples taken from people with ‘Bieber Fever.’ The strains are not identical, because — at least in the first instance — Little Richard had some killer songs. This Bieber kid is spreading a rehashed type of music that was lame to begin with.”

Since the “Tweet Heard around the World” was posted Sunday, no public statement has been issued by Mayor Murphy or the Never Say Never Super PAC, although a few Murphy supporters agreed to speak to The Free Press under the veil of anonymity.

“I noticed something was wrong at a barbecue back in the summer,” said a friend of Murphy’s we’ll refer to as “Buddy”. “We had B.J.’s iPod plugged into my car stereo because I wanted to get my ‘Hotel California’ on — that’s my jam. When that song ended, we all noticed this high-pitched, siren-like screech coming from the stereo.

“It sounded like a thousand tanks getting stuck in second gear at the same time while driving over a herd of elephants who were all in the process of passing stones.”

Cough. Aches. Runny nose. Fever. If you’re currently experiencing any of these symptoms, you’ve either got the flu or you’ve sat in a chair recently vacated by Paris Hilton.

With temperatures going up and down faster than Bill Clinton’s pants, inevitably, germs will take advantage of the situation. Over the past month, everyone at my house has come down with a wet cough that sounds like a mule stepping in (and out of) a mud hole. Always thinking green, we collected enough used tissues to construct three floats in the Kinston and La Grange Christmas parades.

Scoff if you will, but we saved lots of money on glue this year.

While it’s easy to make light of the flu season, it’s not always a laughing matter — everyone reading this knows someone who is currently suffering from a potentially serious fever. The latest victim is someone well known, not only in Eastern North Carolina, but also to hundreds who’ve attended any of Newt and Callista Gingrich’s austerity-themed costume parties.

The news broke Sunday afternoon around 3 p.m. The following tweet was posted by Kinston Mayor B.J. Murphy: “@BJMurphyKinston: Love it or not, I’m a #Bieber fan. Mistletoe is a good song.”

I was sitting in a chair when I read the news, but for some reason I felt the need to stand up and sit down again.

We’ve all read about political leaders suffering health problems while in office. President John F. Kennedy was apparently on multiple medications to combat Addison’s disease, which many believe led to his cavalier actions during the Cuban Missile Crisis. President Ronald Reagan was rumored to have been suffering from a degenerative brain disorder that led him to invite Mr. T to play Santa Claus at the White House Christmas party in 1983.

The first documented cases of the so-called “Bieber-Fever” were reported in Canada in 2008 when Justin Bieber’s mother began posting videos of her son singing Ne-Yo songs on YouTube. Within a few months, these spore-like videos began to infect the minds of impressionable youth all around the world.

R&B icon Usher swooped into action, signed Bieber to a contract and has, to date, hired several dozen accountants to keep up with the massive waves of cash that have hit in a tsunami-like fashion ever since.

“This Bieber problem is similar to the Pat Boone/Little Richard situation of the 1950s,” said Professor Link Wray of the Harvard School of Rock, Funk and Swing. “When Pat Boone covered Little Richard’s ‘Tutti Fruitti,’ it was played off as a business tool used to sell rock and roll to white record buyers. This may have been the end result, but the idea to do this unquestionably came from a demented, feverish mind.”

The professor continued, “I’ve looked at samples taken from victims of the Pat Boone incident in the 1950s and compared them to samples taken from people with ‘Bieber Fever.’ The strains are not identical, because — at least in the first instance — Little Richard had some killer songs. This Bieber kid is spreading a rehashed type of music that was lame to begin with.”

Since the “Tweet Heard around the World” was posted Sunday, no public statement has been issued by Mayor Murphy or the Never Say Never Super PAC, although a few Murphy supporters agreed to speak to The Free Press under the veil of anonymity.

“I noticed something was wrong at a barbecue back in the summer,” said a friend of Murphy’s we’ll refer to as “Buddy”. “We had B.J.’s iPod plugged into my car stereo because I wanted to get my ‘Hotel California’ on — that’s my jam. When that song ended, we all noticed this high-pitched, siren-like screech coming from the stereo.

“It sounded like a thousand tanks getting stuck in second gear at the same time while driving over a herd of elephants who were all in the process of passing stones.”

Buddy continued.

“At first, I thought some little punk was trying to break into my car so I put my hand on my toaster with the intent of firing a warning shot in the air,” he said. “Before I could actually get the gunpowder loaded into my gat, somebody told me nothing was wrong; the noise that caused seven non-pregnant women to go into labor was a Justin Bieber song.”

Murphy’s supporters have rallied around him since the news broke on Sunday.

“I think he’s done a terrific job as mayor,” said a Murphy supporter we’ll refer to as “Rita”. “I don’t know what would compel an otherwise savvy public servant to go public with his appreciation of Justin Bieber’s ‘music.’ Remember, he said he liked the song ‘Mistletoe’ by Bieber. Just because he likes one song doesn’t mean he’s bought into the whole Bieber gestalt hook, line and schnoinkel.”

In another interesting twist to Biebergate, local Democrats have not stepped forward to pile on the Republican mayor during his time of distress.

“The truth of the matter is there are plenty of people on our side who like Justin Bieber too,” said N.C. Sen. Ron Davis. “I don’t really get it; I’m more of Brian McKnight/Toby Keith man myself. Murphy has a lot of support; I think he’ll come through Biebergate a stronger, tougher politician.”

Murphy is expected to address the public via Twitter early this morning. Stay tuned to this space for updates and/or deals on a new car or truck as they happen.

Jon Dawson’s columns appear every Tuesday and Thursday in The Free Press. Contact Jon at 252-559-1092 or jon.dawson@kinston.com. Purchase Jon’s book “Making Gravy in Public” at the Free Press office or jondawson.com.