I’ve been apart from my ex for (detail removed by moderator) now but he has never really let me go. He has continued messaging me multiple times even after i have asked him to stopped. (We have kids together so it’s not as easy as blocking him) I’ve tried to keep everything hidden from friends but he has been going round telling people things including lies about me. The only way i feel he will stop is if i take him back. I’m having a really hard time mental health wise and i feel like it would ease if i didnt have the added stress he is causing. He has promised he wont hit me anymore and things will go back to the way they use to be at the beginning.
I dont know what to do.

How lovely of him to promise not to hit you any more. He should never have hit you in the first place!

You have done amazingly well to stay away from him for a few months, do not undo the hard work of that, you are many steps in to your new life of being free from abuse. Your ex is now starting to realise that perhaps you are being serious about not wanting to be with him. He is realising that you are getting stronger, you can make decisions for yourself, and shock horror, YOU ARE ACTUALLY MANAGING TO EXIST AND MAKE A LIFE WITHOUT HIM!

Your ex is losing control of you because he can’t believe that you would ever have left him. So now he is moving in to the area of the cycle of abuse to try and win you back with all of his loveliness and promises of a fresh start. The promise of “I won’t hit you again, however, I only hit you because you did …. and if you don’t do that I won’t need to hit you.” If you believe him and go back, I’ve no doubt you will be in the ‘honeymoon’ stage again and he may be on his ‘best behaviour’ for two weeks (a bit like my diet plan, I can stick to it for 2 weeks and lose maybe 2lb, but then I revert to normal eating again!) and you will be back to square one of living in an abusive relationship.

If you stand firm and tell him you are not going back, don’t be surprised if he moves on in the cycle to the next stage of telling you he can’t live without you and he will kill himself if you don’t go back. If that happens, still don’t go back, if you seriously think he’s harmed himself, call 999 and ask the police to go and do a safe and well check on him. Usually the police turn up to these abusers to find them perfectly well and embarrassed, especially when the police have to submit a ‘vulnerable person / mental health’ referral on them because they’ve threatened suicide. Do not go to him yourself if he threatens suicide because that will make him know how he can get through to you.

If the suicide threat doesn’t work he’ll move on to the next stage of the cycle and start the threats. He’ll do anything to make it harder for you to stay away than it is to return to him. Often, just returning is easier than carrying on without him. It’s all about getting you back under his control. Abusers don’t want to lose. This isn’t about love for you and regret about what he’s done. If it was, he’d have acknowledged what he’s done and gone and booked himself on some sort of course to help with his behaviour.

The fact that you have children together does make it harder to break contact completely, I know that. However, it also doesn’t mean you have to go back to him. You are moving on and moving forwards, which means a new way of doing things and a new way to parent. When changes are made, things can’t stay the same.

You may have to stay in contact with him about matters involving the children, so get a cheap phone and sim card and give him that number as your only point of contact about the children. Tell him you’ll turn that phone on every evening at a certain time for an hour and if there is anything you need to let him know or vice versa then that is when and how it can be done. That leaves you free to change your number to one where he can’t just contact you whenever he wants to. That’s just one option for you to consider.

For a long time us women have kept the abuse to ourselves. We have been ashamed to tell our families and friends about what is going on, we don’t want them to think badly of our partner and judge him, so we’ve gone about protecting him and his abuse. Let’s shift this. Let’s Stamp Out The Stigma of Domestic Abuse. We’re not the ones in the wrong, they are. Let’s speak out, let’s tell our families and friends what is happening. The shame is on them, not us.
Just my view.

Please don’t go back to him, please don’t give in to his false promises, his lies, his deception.

Do NOT take him back. Please don’t. You know it won’t be better. In fact it will be worse.They actually think we are stupid when they could con us the first time, second time, it’s more like disgust, third time it’s pretty much hatred. Arrogant, abusive, self-centered men don’t respect anyone they can control but of course they think they can control anyone, except of course someone who could clean their clock. Then they are little crybabies. Cowards at heart really but all bullies are. There is no going back to something that wasn’t real in the first place. It’s called lovebombing and if it was real, things would not have changed.

There’s a story that’s told many different ways, I’ll say this version is the Alligator River version…a little bunny rabbit wants to get across the river really bad and was about to jump on the back of a log but then saw it was an alligator. The alligator said, don’t be scared, I’ll be glad to take you across the river. I’m a friendly alligator. After the charming alligator convinced the rabbit, he hopped on and just about to the other shore and the alligator turned around to the rabbit and was opening his mouth to eat him and the rabbit said, “But Why??? You said!!!” The alligator remarked, I lied, after all I am an alligator. You will know people – but what they do, not what t hey say. Past behavior predicts future behavior.

Of course he’s going to be a little 12 yr. old mean girl and run around telling lies. PfffT! So what? Little minds flock together, off you go! And if they believe him then good to know, friends you don’t need anymore. Poof be gone! You have a huge problem on your hands here and you need to be rid of it/him. You have to have time to heal and think straight here. Do not be coerced into doing what he wants, please don’t. Stand firm because bullies will storm your gates. You have your children to think about here, too and trust me, once an abuser, always one and that means your children are not safe either. I hope you have sought good legal help and any other help that you need because you’re having trouble dealing with all of this. You can’t do this alone, sweetheart. What have you done so far to help yourself?

Hello,
You are very strong and very brave to have left him. I have wanted to leave my abuser for many, many years, but haven’t. It has never been physical but I have always been unhappy. I always told myself that it would get better when… when the children weren’t small any more, when money stresses were worked out, when when when….
And guess what? It never happened. And so now here I am with a couple of decades of unhappiness under my belt and knowing I can’t go on and I will leave him.

But how I wish I had seen it for what it was. It wasn’t that I wasn’t brave enough. I genuinely thought things would get better and it’s only now that I’ve educated myself that I realise they never could.

You are so lucky – a) YOU ARE OUT, you’ve done it, and b) you are being told NOW what’s what (how I wish that I had been). Please, look forward 15/20 years to see you where I am now and see that you really, really don’t want to be me, looking back in sadness and with regrets. You have the power to make a much, much better life for yourself and for your children. Hold tight, don’t b**w it, stay strong and please, please don’t throw away the happy future that you have already started to carve out for yourself. X

Good suggestion about the cheap phone but use txt only that way you have a record of any abuse and any commitments made for child access etc. Do you have a third party that can be a point of contact for the children. That way you can block him and get him out your life. If he’s harassing you then you have every right to involve the police. He won’t stop if your take him back, he will continue his abuse closer at hand. It may seem like a solution but it’s a short term one for a long term problem. And I mean you may get a day or two of good behaviour from him but then you’re going to get punished for this separation and you won’t see it coming.

Thanks all.
I’m just struggling so much at the moment with it all and with know where to turn for help loc due to every where being closed at the moment its even harder.
I do have a third party who can be a go betwee for me but he refuses to speak to them and will only speak to me. If i refuse then he refuses to have anything to do with the kids and it breaks my heart every time they ask to see/speak to their dad and I can’t keep doing that to them.
The police are currently involved by i just know they wont have enough evidence to prosecute and he will deny everything and drag me through court for nothing.
It would all just be 100 times easier having him back here as I am going to mentally break soon with everything from him and his family.

Your children will learn from his abusive controlling behaviour. It’s upto him to want to see his kids and to arrange proper visitation. Not for them to be used to control you. Use that third party and cut him out your life. Don’t let him bully you. Children don’t recognise abuse but you do x