Thoughts from the interface of science, religion, law and culture

After spending several years touring the country as a stand up comedian, Ed Brayton tired of explaining his jokes to small groups of dazed illiterates and turned to writing as the most common outlet for the voices in his head. He has appeared on the Rachel Maddow Show and the Thom Hartmann Show, and is almost certain that he is the only person ever to make fun of Chuck Norris on C-SPAN.

EVENTS

Ladies and Gentlemen, Christian Rap

I grew up listening to a lot of Christian rock, most of which, in retrospect, really sucked. But nothing could have prepared me for the horrors of Christian rap. Here are a couple videos that will probably leave your jaw on the floor as they did mine. This is spectacularly bad.

Why it should it want to come down? Faced with the choice ot listening to that or sitting on a roof with a hungry cat, the mice’s choice is simple. Your biggest concern should be being hit on the head by a considerably overweight cat rolling off the roof…

Try out rural towns in the American Midwest. They’re all so squeaky clean (at least in their language). They have problems with me using the word “dung” in Biology class when discussing the dung beetle. They think I should call it the “poo beetle”. I refuse. This is college, not kindergarten.

Xian rock is terrible. Not because it is xian. But because it is terrible music, poorly written and poorly performed.

A few months ago, we went on a trip to Nowhereland aka far northern California, a world class scenic area where few live (Mount Shasta etc..) It wasn’t that long before there were few radio stations and half of them seemed to play xian rock.

All the songs sounded the same. It was basically minimal instrumental backing with someone droning some lyrics with all the excitement of reciting the phone book.

What elements of Christian Rap, specifically, makes it particularly awful?
I mean apart from the obvious, white kids trying to get ‘street cred’ by co-opting another ‘cooler’ culture as an offset to the unpopular Christian culture (especially among their peers generally) that they are trying to ‘push’ onto others (evangelising under the principle of ‘misery loves company’, perhaps?)
Dingo

Xian rock is terrible. Not because it is xian. But because it is terrible music, poorly written and poorly performed.

There’s a reason no one who started out as a “christian music star” has ever gone on to mainstream success, and it’s not censorship (though I’ve heard wingnuts claim that it is).

A few months ago, we went on a trip to Nowhereland aka far northern California, […] there were few radio stations and half of them seemed to play xian rock.
All the songs sounded the same. It was basically minimal instrumental backing with someone droning some lyrics with all the excitement of reciting the phone book.

Religious themed music is similar to Soviet or North Korean music. It forcibly and intentionally written about and to idolize a single subject. It’s always written with an agenda, and it never comes naturally nor comes across as natural. Cripes, Styx’s “Mr. Roboto” album sounds better than nearly every christian song I’ve heard, and that album was putrid.

Twenty-some-odd years ago, my “born again” cousin gave me a tape of Christian rap. It’s hard to believe, but judging from the above videos, it seems to have gotten even worse over the years. And considering how bad that tape was, that’s saying something.

“There’s a reason no one who started out as a “christian music star” has ever gone on to mainstream success, and it’s not censorship (though I’ve heard wingnuts claim that it is).”

Umm, I seem to remember that back in the 80’s there was a female artist named Any Grant who was quite popular and seemed to have a pretty voice. I can’t, of course, comment on the quality of her music but I owned several of her album covers…

There are a few exceptions. There is a British metal band My Shining Wake that has been consistently excellent over their career. But their lyrics are somewhat more introspective and esoteric than standard “I wanna make sweet man love to Jesus” junk. Urk, those lyrics are bad.

One of my favorite musicians is David Eugene Edwards. Definitely Calvinist…almost obnoxious, but his blend of rock and bluegrass and experimentation is stunning. Imagine a younger, crazier, furrier Tom Petty and that is what he looks like. Plus, his use of King James English is parts of the lyrics…I love the arcane phrasing and wordplay.

To be fair, I have a neighbor that does Christian rap and his stuff is actually pretty good. No Bible beating, just about social problems and about how Christians should get involved to solve them. Yes, he knows I’m an unrepentant atheist and it doesn’t affect our friendship. He isn’t looking for converts, just looking for ways to make things better.

There is one Christian metal band that I still occasionally listen to. Particularly one album: Tourniquet’s “Pathogenic Ocular Dissonance” is actually a pretty solid album. The lyrics aren’t half bad, the vocals are suspect in a few places, but otherwise decent, the guitar work is pretty good, and Ted Kirkpatrick is actually a very good drummer.

Try out rural towns in the American Midwest. They’re all so squeaky clean (at least in their language). They have problems with me using the word “dung” in Biology class when discussing the dung beetle. They think I should call it the “poo beetle”. I refuse. This is college, not kindergarten.

Remind them of Malachi 2:3 where God explains what will happen to those who fail to give glory to his name: Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces

After the buildup of the comments, I felt let down after watching the videos. The first one has to be a Poe, no one could think those facial expressions are anything other than idiotic. But the song doesn’t stand out from most rap, same old minimalist overly repetitive music and dumb-ass lyrics with kindergarten level rhymes. Dime a dozen, if it weren’t from the silly Christian content, it would blend just fine.

The second one is a blatant ripoff of a mainstream hit song with the Christian lyrics overlaid, though I can’t recall the name.