Mad Doctors

“They’re magnificent, just what I’ve always wanted,” says twenty-eight year old builder Phil Nuggs, lovingly fondling the fine pair of 36DD breasts now adorning his chest. However, Nuggs is not a transsexual midway through a sex change – he is actually a serial sex-offender with a mammary fixation. Indeed, he has been arrested at least three times for approaching large breasted young women in parks and roughly groping their breasts. On four other occasions he has ejaculated over the exposed breasts of women sunbathing on topless beaches. Bizarrely, his operation is intended as therapy. “I just couldn’t get it up unless I was abusing women’s breasts! I knew it was wrong, but nothing else could arouse me,” he says. “Now I can give my own gazonkas a damn good milking to my heart’s content – squeeze them until they are blue, even! All in the privacy of my own home! There’s nothing like juggling your own huge juicy melons to get a good hard on! In fact, if I have a really good wank, I can even whack off over my own tits!” Nuggs is one of a growing number of patients to have received radical surgical ‘treatment’ at the private clinic of controversial surgeon Sir Angus Coynte. “Traditionally, a patient such as Mr Nuggs would have been diagnosed as having some vague psychological problem and prescribed some type of half-baked therapy and hormone supplements,” says Coynte. “Instead, I have gone directly to the heart of his problem – breast envy – and effected a permanent physical solution, with no side-effects. The treatment has clearly worked – Nuggs still hasn’t re-offended. Britain’s women can now go out safe in the knowledge that they won’t be molested in public places.”

Nuggs agrees that his treatment has been highly beneficial. “Sometimes I spend all day feeling myself up! Its amazing! I never need to even look at other women’s breasts anymore,” he says gleefully, as he caresses his left nipple. “The only downside is that I have to wear a bra for proper support. I thought the lads at work might take the piss, but they’ve been great – they like nothing better than giving them a good squeeze themselves!” Many of Coynte’s other patients have similarly praised their treatment. “I’ve been a new man since Sir Angus gave me that second set of testicles,” says Colin Purse, a thirty-six year old telephone engineer. “Before the operation, my lack of testosterone was giving me a negligible sex drive, low sperm count – I was spending hundreds of pounds a week on porn magazines in a futile attempt to get it up! I thought I was turning into a screaming queen! I felt totally emasculated! My friends told me that I lacked balls – how right they were! Now, with my extra set of conkers, I’m rampant – a total sex machine! I’m shagging three different women four times a night – each! The only drawback is finding underpants to fit – its like trying to put a set of bowling balls in a marble bag!” Tom Bone, a forty-eight year old company director similarly received a second penis at Coynte’s clinic. “My weak bladder control was ruining my sex life,” he says. “I couldn’t even have a wank – I just kept pissing. Now, with a second happy lamp I’m able to have normal sex with one, whilst peeing into a bottle with the other – it has transformed my life!”

Whilst Coynte has claimed that he only carries out surgery when he is convinced that it will be beneficial to the patient, many of his colleagues in the medical profession have been highly critical of his methods, accusing him of carry out inappropriate, expensive and often highly dangerous surgery on patients where less expensive and potentially harmful psychiatric treatments or medication would have sufficed. However, Coynte has little time for his critics. “There is far too much reliance on drugs and psychological mumbo jumbo in medicine today, we should get back to basics and treat the problem directly. If something doesn’t work, cut it out and replace it! Its the only way,” he retorts.

Indeed, to the horror of his critics, Coynte is now proposing that his treatments be made available for free on the NHS. “It would simply increase costs and over stretch further the Health Service’s limited resources,” claims Dr Roby Douglas of the British Medical Association. “The man clearly has a God complex – he’s carrying out surgery simply to boost his own ego.” Moreover, Douglas has thrown doubt on Coynte’s claims that he only treats patients suffering from a genuine medical condition, highlighting the case of Ralf Mingo, who had both his feet amputated at Coynte’s clinic last March. “Its brilliant! Ever since I had my feet cut off I’ve done much better business on the streets,” says forty two year old beggar Mingo, who – for begging purposes – claims to have lost his feet to a landmine in the Falklands war. “I’ll admit, it was a bit pricey having it done privately – I had to sell a lot of copies of the Big Issue – but it was definitely worthwhile. It really gets the sympathy vote – people are always more generous towards a cripple than they are to an apparently able-bodied person who is simply too lazy to work for a living!”

Coynte has defended his treatment of Mingo, saying that it had improved the quality of his life immeasurably. “If I hadn’t done it for him, he’d have done it himself with a rusty hacksaw!” However, Douglas also believes that Coynte is using his clinic to perform voluntary amputations on patients for sexual purposes. “There are a surprising number of people who find the idea of having sex with an amputee sexually arousing – apparently there are more positions and angles of entry if you take off a leg, I’m told,” he says. “I have it on good authority that he has been lopping off arms and legs for prostitutes who cater for this sort of trade. There have also been rumours of other operations, such as the widening of back passages for rent boys and female prostitutes who specialise in anal sex, enlarging bladders to facilitate longer ‘golden showers’, and even a claim that he provided one hooker with a penis so that she could offer the highly exotic practice of giving her male clients one up the arse!”

Whilst Coynte has remained silent on these allegations, his supporters have pointed out that if the medical profession did not carry out such procedures under clinical conditions, the patients might try to carry them out themselves, or go to unlicensed practitioners. “It would be like the bad old days of back street abortionists,” says Dr Hadley Pinkler, a former student of Coynte. “People would be bleeding to death or getting gangrene after getting an amateur amputation done in some unhygienic back alley butcher’s shop. Sir Angus is simply trying to improve the lives of these poor souls by giving them what they want under safe conditions!”

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Publisher, Executive Editor and Chief Writer of The Sleaze, the Doc is in the forefront of the campaign to preserve historic 1970s moustaches, and is currently the owner of a fine 1970 Alain Delon, which he wears with pride every Thursday. Before founding The Sleaze, the Doc had the singular honour of being dismissed from the Ministry of Defence's Defence Intelligence Staff following his involvement with the original 'dodgy dossier', which sparked the civil war in the former Yugoslavia. Nevertheless, he stands by his controversial assessment that there is satellite imagery clearly showing Serbian leader Slobodan Milosevic enjoying a three-in-a-bed romp with Princess Margaret and Richard Branson. Following his dismissal, the Doc crossed the Atlantic to enter the film industry, where he quickly became Tawny Kitaen's pubic hair stylist. The proud possessor of the world's largest collection of pornography discovered in hedgerows, the Doc is considered one of Britain's leading experts on smut, and acted as an advisor to the BBC 4 series A Pornographic History of Britain. Now in his early middle years, Doc Sleaze lives quietly in Southern England where he is sometimes allowed to teach Government and Politics to local A-level students. He can be reached through the site's main e-mail address - just don't expect a reply.