OAKLAND--The Oakland Raiders went into the offseason with many needs to fill, and today they took care of a big one by signing receiver Randy Moss. The ex-Viking gives the Raiders an additional deep threat as well as some much needed depth at the locker room cancer position.

“Moss is going to be a huge addition to our team,” said head coach Norv Turner. “He can run the deep route as good as anyone and he’s a playmaker, pure and simple. Plus, with his selfishness and me-first attitude, he really helps shore up the locker room cancer position. We haven’t had a dickhead like him in a while. He may not help us in the playoffs, but he’ll bring back some of that classic Raider swagger—minus the Super Bowls.”

Turner met with Moss the day after he was signed, and the two discussed his role for next season. The coach reminded Moss that making plays on the field would not be enough.

“Hey, anyone can haul in a touchdown pass or two, but making an impact in the locker room is just as important,” said Turner. “I told Randy how much I admired his work in Minnesota. I loved the way he took plays off and never, ever blocked anyone. And the last game of the season, when he walked off the field before time expired? Awesome! That’s the kind of attitude that defines Raider football: Brash, bold, outrageous, and totally ineffective.”

The Vikings put up with Moss’s antics for 7 years before finally trading him to Oakland for linebacker Napoleon Harris and two draft picks. While everyone agrees that Moss is a superior talent, Vikings management decided he was not worth the trouble. The Raiders, however, believe they got a steal.

“Oh, man when I found out we got Randy, I was pretty psyched,” said quarterback Kerry Collins. “It’ll be good to have someone like him that can go up there and grab a ball away from a defender. I know he’s had his problems in Minnesota, but that won’t happen here. All he needs is a change of scenery. I know, I know, that’s what the Vikings said when they drafted him out of college, but this is different. How? I don’t know. It just is, OK?”

Despite what happened in Minnesota, Moss’s new teammates unanimously approved of the move. Even Warren Sapp, himself somewhat of a controversial figure, called the move “a blessing.”

“We really needed a big play guy here, and now we have that,” Sapp said. “Just having him on the field forces defenses to alter their game plans. Plus, we’re the Raiders. We need to have some controversy. We need a player who’s going to ruffle some feathers. I know I used to be that player, but nobody really listens to me anymore.”

Moss is already thinking of ways to bring his unique brand of erratic and childish behavior to the Raiders locker room. However, he knows his mere presence won’t be enough to poison the entire team.

“I’ve got to work at it, just like the other locker room cancers in the league,” Moss told reporters. “I know I’m not going to be able to walk in there and just have everything turn to shit. Hell, I’m not Chris Carter and I never will be. I’ve got to be creative here. I’ve got to bring some of that magic I had with the Vikings here to Oakland. Maybe I’ll start off by showing up late for training camp. That will really set the tone. Then, maybe I'll talk some shit about my coach on Sportscenter or something. Who's my coach again? Norv Turner? Oh, man. This is too easy.”

Moss also said that he looks forward to playing alongside Charles Woodson, the brooding cornerback who just got tagged with the franchise label. Though Woodson is not considered an actual locker room cancer on the level of Randy Moss, he is somewhat of a malcontent. Moss assured that there would be room enough on the team for both of them.

“Charles has accomplished a lot here in terms of being a pain in the ass,” Moss said. “I’m not here to replace him or take his job or anything like that. I’m just here to help this team win maybe 8,9 games, make a few one-handed catches in the end zone, and be a total asshole. That’s what they got me for, and I think I can be a great mentor to Charles. No offense to him, but he’s not much of a cancer. I mean, who would you rather have on your team, me or Charles Woodson? Exactly. Charles Woodson. That’s because I’m the bigger cancer.”