Ask A Woman: There’s a bun in the oven. Be nice to the baker.

If you’ve got a question that needs the female treatment, chances are you’re not the only one who wants to ask it. Beth is our source for the answers. From opinions on men’s style to decoding the sometimes mysterious ways of women, she’ll take on a different question every Thursday. She also might provide an answer without waiting to be asked. That happens from time to time too. Click here to get to know Beth, then get in touch with her by sending your question to: askawoman@dappered.com.

I’m baaaack. Did you miss me? For those of you worried that I’d come back as an obsessed new mother…you’re right. This first post is even about pregnancy. No need to panic, I’m not turning this space into a forum on parenthood, but as Dappered grows, so do its readers, and those of you who have been with us from the start are likely at an age when you or many of your friends are having children. Even if you never have kids, your path will cross with someone who does. And here, gleaned from my nine months of life-growing, is a list of do’s and don’t’s when talking to a pregnant woman.

Don’t touch the belly

You’ve heard this before, right? Other people’s bodies are off limits to your hands unless you have express permission. I personally never experienced unwanted touching on my tummy, but so many of my friends did that I’m including it. No touchy.

Don’t make comments about size

It seems obvious, right? And I bet you’re sitting there, staring at your computer screen, wondering, why does Beth include this one? Who would be dumb enough to make comments about size to a pregnant woman? Fellas, this happens. The words “Are you having twins” should never come out of your mouth. After someone tells you they are however many months, the words “Really? You look like you’re __ months” should never come out of your mouth. This goes for guessing more OR fewer months along. Even if you have good intentions, telling a woman she looks really small for being however many months pregnant may make her worry that her baby isn’t growing at an appropriate rate. Unless you say, “You look great,” a good rule of thumb is no comments about body size or shape.

Don’t bother her around her due date

I stopped checking email a week before my due date. I cringed when I got a text. I was so tired of people bugging me about whether or not the baby was here. Hand to God, my mail carrier, who would see me out walking my dogs, would pull up next to me every day during the last two weeks before my son was born and ask me why the baby hadn’t arrived yet. Because I’m holding him in, you ass. I have complete control over when he decides to leave my womb and I’ve decided I like carrying around an extra 25 pounds and not being able to sleep at night, so we’re going for a 50 week pregnancy. If you are an important person in her life, she will let you know when the baby has arrived. Give her some space.

Bad Barney. Very bad.

Don’t tell her birth horror stories

Most men don’t talk to their female friends about labor and delivery. But I’m including this one anyway in case you hear your wife, girlfriend, or female friend start telling a horror story about labor to a pregnant woman. “My friend broke her tailbone during labor because the baby was so big”; “I dry-heaved for two hours in between contractions”; “My sister passed out because the pain was so bad.” Why, why, why would you share this information? If you have something actually helpful to say, like, “We took a self-hypnosis class and my wife found it helped during labor to cope with the pain,” then by all means, pass it on. Labor is a varied experience for every woman, so you’re not helping her prepare by telling her the worst case scenario. You’re only serving to scare her.

Do ask her how she’s feeling

Pregnancy is hard for a lot of women. You have so little control over what your body is doing; you feel tired, nauseated, irritable, uncomfortable. It helped a little when people asked how I was feeling, because it felt like an acknowledgement that pregnancy is challenging. No need to dig for details, just check in and see how she’s doing.

Do ask her about things other than her pregnancy

Now that you’ve asked her about the obvious, turn the conversation to something other than her big old belly. How is work treating her? Does she watch Game of Thrones, and if so, how amazing was that finale? Does she have any travel plans this summer? Some women don’t mind talking all baby all the time, but others appreciate being seen aside from their pregnancies.

Must Reads

Comment Rules: Write only what you’d say to a person’s face. Keep it civil and when you disagree, propose an alternative. Thank you for adding to the conversation.

Chris

Welcome back and congrats! Can we expect a follow up post titled “how to talk to parents of newborns” in a few weeks?

Corwin

I’ll save her the trouble:

Don’t.

Corwin

Do keep the freezer full of cookie dough and/or chunky monkey ice cream…

random-adam

Hopefully it shouldn’t be needed for anybody who would read this site, but don’t ask a woman if she’s pregnant. Ever. Some friends of mine get this just because of how they carry their (negligible) weight and it’s about the most boneheaded thing a person can ask.

I think it was Gene Weingarten who said something like “even if you actually see a baby in the process of being extricated from her womb, choose a safer topic.”

http://www.considerliberty.com/ Matthew Hockley

Congratulations on your little one on the way! Great list. My wife would agree with these based on her experience with our son. People seem to just completely forget that the common courtesy that should be part of any normal human interaction actually does still apply to pregnant women.

fash1on

My fav is watching people ask how many months to someone who is not pregnant. Witnessed this more than once.

fash1on

Don’t.

Jackson

And then you have the train conundrum. When said potentially pregnant but quite possibly without child woman gets aboard your full subway car, do you offer her your seat or not? Of course it’s the gentlemanly thing to do, but that innocent, noble, innocuous deed is laden with implications. She either is preggers, and your kind invitation becomes a callous appraisal on the state of her gestation and the terrible things she must be doing to that poor fetus or, worse, she is not pregnant and you’ve inadvertently identified her as a beached whale in front of a train full of strangers or, worse still, you’ve just offered your seat to a capable, strong, independent woman, thereby negating more than a hundred years of feminist struggle for gender equality, perpetuating a chauvinistic system of objectification and subjugation of women as the weaker sex, and labeling yourself as a card carrying misogynist.

Maybe I’ll just walk to work.

Brailleyard

I have so many apologies to make….

Thomas More

Ahh, this “don’t list” is one of the many reason why second term pregnant women do not get offered a seat on the bus/train. Even when a person (usually a man) says the most neutral question (Would you like to sit down?), some cranky women can respond without seeing the good intention behind it. “Why, you think I’m pregnant?” “Why are you offering me and not her, because my tummy is big?” I know how those women can ruin it for the rest of you. P.S. No, I’ve never been replied this way, but in NYC, oh how this is so possible..

Brailleyard

Protip: in NYC, check to see if she’ swearing heels first. This way, if she asks ‘why, do you think I’m pregnant?’ You respond, ‘nope-but those heels look killer, and I figured you’d want some time off them.

If she’s pregnant and not wearing heels….chances are she’ll take the seat w/a ‘thank you.’

Brailleyard

PRO-TIP!!!

Shomas

Just stand on the train. It’s better for you anyway.

Thomas More

Great tip, Brailleyard. I will certainly remember it. Thank you.

BenR

Wait… so you are using an anecdote to make a point about how “cranky women” “ruin it for the rest of [women],” but it’s not even a real anecdote?

Thomas More

BenR, to be fair, I disclosed it at the bottom that it is not an anecdote. I’m merely stating the possibility of people not offering in order not to be in the bad situation (which is very possible in NY subway)… then there are those women (yes, you read it right) who pretended to sleep. And that one, is an anecdote, BenR.

Jackson

Was considering just poking out my eyes with a rusty fork so as to avoid facing this moral quandary, but I suppose this would work too.

Winston Heard

that being said, offer your seat. hold the door. even pull out the chair. chivalry is underrated. or at least underutilized.

Winston Heard

congratulations!

maybe it’s because i’m not touchy-feely in general, but i’ve never understood the compulsion to touch pregnant women’s bellies. if my wife/girlfriend/oops-we’re-stuck-together-after-that-one-night-stand-lady were pregnant and someone tried to touch her, that person would get Jamie Lannister-ed real quick.

(sorry, i just got into Game of Thrones…)

Excalibur

Or she could be gracious enough to accept people’s interest in the same spirit of goodwill in which it’s offered.

shad0w4life

Huh, I always got in trouble for not touching the belly of my girl. You can’t win in pregnancy, hunker down and be ready to run around!
If she says she wants strawberries and they are $10 a small package due to a shortage…buy em. I didn’t and returned home, then there was a bit of a guilt trip and I felt bad about it and went back to get them, which of course were then sold out….so I ended up buying a whole frigging party fruit tray for about $40 just to get the strawberries! Which then I was told “why did you waste money like that!”

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