Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Forest, Meet the Trees

I’m so excited that my muse Michelle Bachmann is back in the news. Apparently there is a bill making its way through congress that would disallow welfare recipients from using their welfare cards in ATMs that are inside casinos or strip clubs. Michelle screamed like an over-caffeinated pixie that this bill will finally stop welfare recipients from receiving government aided lap dances. Yes! Michelle is back!

Don’t get me wrong, I know our welfare system does not work the way it was intended. I know that it’s true that recipients are using the money to gamble at casinos, play the lottery and buy alcohol and cigarettes. For once I actually agree with Michelle on something. Not allowing them to use the cards in casinos and the like is a good and necessary idea.

What amuses me is that my Michelle went right to lap dances. Not cigarettes, not beer, not gambling, she went straight to the strip clubs. Is there a skeleton in Michelle’s closet, perhaps wearing pasties and a g-string? How did you pay for college, Michelle? Was that actually you dancing as Boom Boom LaRue at the Ministry of Flesh?

Did you ever notice that really conservative people talk about sex A LOT? Especially conservative politicians. Rick Santorum can’t stop talking about it. Yeah, when he talks about sex it becomes dank and Draconian, something to be performed when the Sun is in eclipse and wolves are howling outside your door, but man, he just won’t shut up.

The other thing conservatives do concerning sex is lie about it. If you have a conservative politician railing against the homosexual lifestyle with fire and brimstone stump speeches, you can bet the farm he spends his nights watching a Tom Cruise look alike in Top Buns or spending quality time with a staff member named Kyle. If your senator or congressman uses the phrase “family values” more than 23 times in every appearance and always has his wife and 4 adoring children smiling at him in a Stepfordesque pose, you know for a fact he has an apartment on K street where two girls named C’quanda and Ruby Red let him snort lines of coke off their breasts while they recite the bill of rights.

Anyway, I’m thrilled to have Michelle back in the news. The world is more of a multi-colored, musical peyote trip when Michelle speaks her mind and someone in the media records it. Keep fighting the good fight Michelle! No lap dances for the poor! No lap dances for the poor! No lap dances for the poor!