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Sunday, September 30, 2012

Prepare To Die!

“What is the point? I have a right to know. After all, it’s my life we’re
talking about.”

“Well, it’s hardly a life. After all,
you’re only a spider.”

“Only a spider? How dare you! I belong to
a species so perfect in design that nature hasn’t changed me in hundreds of
millions of years. Do you know what humans looked like millions of years ago?
Here’s a clue: check the treetops.”

“So you admit that humans are more evolved
than spiders?”

“You miss the point. Are all humans as
dense as you?”

“You’re making it a lot easier to squish
you.”

“Let me put it another way. Do you believe
in reincarnation? I understand many of you humans do. Perhaps I was once your
ancestor—a beloved grandfather. You wouldn’t want to squish Grandpa, would
you?”

“I don’t believe in reincarnation.”

“Shit…thought I had you on that one.”

“Enough, already. It’s time to end this.
Are you ready to meet your Maker?”

“Not so fast. Keep your shoe on. What’s
the rush? I mean, how often do you have a conversation with a talking spider?”

bathtub and my wife is in her
bathrobe, cringing behind the door and waiting to hear the

flush that will send you swirling
down the toilet.

“Bathtub? I thought I was on a glacier.
Anyway, please tell me I’m not about to die just because your wife has ordered
you to murder me. Do you do everything she tells you to do?”

“It goes back to that delicate dance I
mentioned. I’m the man; I kill the bugs. She does nearly everything else around
the house and my main purpose is to kill bugs.”

“I’ll have you know that I’m much more
than a bug! I’m a miracle of nature. I
can lift ten times my body weight, go months without eating, and I can produce
a web capable of withstanding a hurricane. Can you do any of these things?”

“No.”

“I see from your expression that I’m not
convincing you to spare my life. Spiders often eat their mates. If you ate
yours, you wouldn’t have to obey her anymore.”

“Nice try, but it’s the female spiders,
larger and more powerful than males, who do the eating.”

“Drat! Somebody’s been watching the
Discovery Channel too much.”

“Enough already. I’m taking off my shoe so
you’d better look away.”

“Okay. I gave it my best try. Just one
more thing. When you were a kid did your teacher read you Charlotte’s Web?”

“Yes.”

“What was the name of Charlotte’s friend,
that cute little pig?”

“His name was Wilbur.”

“That’s right. Tell me, did you cry like Wilbur
when Charlotte died at the end of the

story?”

“You really are a son of a bitch.”

“Hey, where are you going?”

“To the kitchen to get a glass. I’ll trap
you and dump you in the garden.”

My wife, Kellie, has no fear of bugs. She'll swat flies that get in the in the house, but with almost everything else she practices catch and release. And, unlike your girlie glass maneuver, she uses her bare hands.

I used to catch and release everything but flies and mosquitoes. Now that I would have to make it down three flights of stairs and my body is not necessarily in a cooperative mood the day the bug comes to visit...I kill first and ask no questions. Sad, but true.

I think you did the right thing showing mercy to Mr. Talking Spider. I always feel guilty if I kill anything (including insects)although like Rita, I probably am more likely to kill flies and mosquitoes. I have visions of them feeling pain or leaving family members behind.

Let's just hope there is some form of reincarnation that works on pay backs.

Try that technique when a female spider drops from her web onto a box of Kleenex on your desk, round about 11:30 on a Thursday night, and an explosion of tiny baby spiders spews out of her like sparks from a chrysanthemum-type aerial firework saved for the finale of a major Fourth of July show.

I was about to say we tolerate a couple of house spiders because they help control the population of other insects. And we've taught that to the grandkids, whose mom admits to a lifelong irrational fear of spiders. But then I read Val's comment. Eeeeek!

Ha ha ha! That was brilliant!... I must admit, spiders scare the bejesus out of me but I don't feel it's necessary to kill them just because I'm a big girls blouse... Instead, I offer them a cup of tea and a selection of biscuits which they usually politely decline, being creatures who prefer hard liquor and dead insects...

Yes. That was the first (and I hope LAST) time it happened to me. Luckily, I had the tissues handy for smashing. Something tells me I didn't get ALL of them. Some made a beeline for the nest of wires behind my desktop monitor. They shot off in all directions. Millions of them. Or so it seemed. Just imagine if I had already gone to bed. They would be well on their way to taking over my world.

We had a similar incident like Vals with the spider, a huge spider crawling along the baseboard at our sons house, the other son hits it with a shoe and a gazillion baby spiders covered the wall and floor, Cindy left the house Ha Ha

Oh, this was really funny! "I'm the man, I kill the bugs...my main purpose is to kill bugs.". That cracked me up! And thank goodness that you spared his little life. I always feel too bad to kill bugs...I have a catch and release program :)

Hehe, nice! Out smarted by a spider. :) I like having certain types of spiders in the house. They do an amazing job of killing all the other bugs. Though Alisha doesn't agree with me. She had a primal fear of spiders, so I'm used forced, like you, to kill them.

Well written, Wilbur. Now where is the man who will get rid of bugs for me? Occasionally I tire of caring for myself. For some reason, Favorite Young Man will not drive 30 minutes to get here from his job and kill a bug. He wouldn't even save me from a dead rat! Oh, well, I guess a dead rat is better than one that's alive and is trying to get in the house.

It's recently come to my attention that we have an unwanted guest of a mouse residing in our house. All spider hunting activities have been suspended until said mouse has been eliminated! That's my job. :)