ESPN’s Report On The UConn Riots Was Possibly Written By A Hilarious Robot

Eric Goldschein

4:47 pm, April 8th, 2014

This will be the last article I start this way (until, possibly, next year): UConn won the NCAA championship last night. Hooray! Thousands of Storrs residents took to the streets in celebration, and many of them (though I’m sure not the majority, or even close to the majority) celebrated by throwing shit at other shit and lighting shit on fire and getting arrested. It was, in a word, stupid.

ESPN, the Worldwide Leader in Sports, does not have the same freedom that we do to call people stupid, so their interpretation of the events is more matter-of-fact than ours. In fact, their report of the entire night reads like a robot trying to be as descriptive as possible. It makes for a dry but strangely compelling read. Some highlights:

Students waited in line for up to four hours to get a seat inside the arena just to watch on three large movie screens as their team played 1,700 miles away in Arlington, Texas.

Straightforward and accurate, probably.

The students sang the national anthem, chanted “Let’s go Huskies” before the tip, roared when the home team was introduced and booed the Kentucky players.

Oh word? That sounds highly unusual and worthy of relaying to us.

The stands shook every time Shabazz Napier made a 3-pointer. The pep band and school dance team entertained the crowd during timeouts.

They jumped up and down chanting, “I believe that we will win,” as their Huskies struggled through a second-half rally by Kentucky.

“I believe that we will win” — the chant that enraptured a nation and embodied a season.

After the victory, the students went outside onto a plaza for a dance party in the rain. The school hired a disc jockey in an effort to keep crowds of students under control. As many danced, others were hanging from trees and light poles and throwing firecrackers.

A DJ? What was he going to do — spin trance music and put the students under his spell?

Several people were helped from the arena by paramedics, apparently with alcohol-related issues.

“They were drunk.”

Students said they expected the party to go on into the early morning hours.

“Hopefully I’ll be able to go to class tomorrow, but I’m not certain,” said Vincent Buffa, a 21-year-old senior from Tolland.

Ah yes, exactly what UConn administrators longed to hear!

For the record, ESPN also reported on the rioting and injuries in Kentucky: “Meanwhile, in Lexington, Ky., home of the losing Wildcats, a spokeswoman for the city said 19 couch fires were lit overnight in the State Street area. There were 23 injuries, most of them minor and treated at the scene. Susan Straub confirmed 31 arrests but had no further details in a statement released Tuesday.”

ESPN (with help from the AP): Specific as fuck. Read the whole, um, article, here.