Anyone out there that doesn't leave their kids with others and is ok with that?

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Hi

I need some feedback. I was a stay at home parent of two children up until May this year. In March my husband lost his job and we decided to switch roles and I have returned to work when my son was 10.5 mths (now 16 mths). Also have a 3 year old daughter.

In the past, as I haven't worked other than sold Avon round the neighbourhood, I have never felt the need to leave my children with other people. When the need arose, I would leave them with my mum who I of course trust impeccably, and once left them with my MIL but was not happy with some decisions she made and have avoided this where possible since (plus don't trust her as she has often disagreed with my parenting choices and I feel would undermine me given the chance with my kids).

In terms of MIL, she has a few times become angry with me for different reasons - very minor reasons like being asked not to smoke before coming to see our newborn baby, and then asking her not to hold my child when she was really ill with the flu, and as a consequence, stayed away for weeks on end (at one time went for 8 weeks without seeing my daughter).

As far as I am concerned, my trust is earned and I don't feel she has put in enough effort to be given the privilege of caring for my children.

Anyway, in all cases where the kids have been left with mum it has been in my home. Suddenly my husband springs it on me that he wants to leave daughter with my mum in her home for an hour - imagine being at work and having this dumped on you in a phone conversation by a husband that refuses to talk to you when something is upsetting him and that has made comments to others about how hard it can be as a stay at home parent, but not been willing to share this with me, despite my attempts to make sure he is dealing with being okay at home with the kids - a particularly challenging scenario when you have also lost your job!

I was concerned that his need to leave daughter with my mum stemmed from his need for some space and we ended up having a huge fight over it, and in conclusion, because he wasn't prepared to listen to me saying that I feel strongly about it, I said do whatever the 'f' you want!

I was shocked to find out on Tuesday that he had left daughter with his mother for an hour or so. I was devastated that he would do this without letting me know first. Plus, I later found out that it wasn't just an hour - it was at least 3 hours!

Now I am sure a lot of people will think that this is no big deal, but as mentioned, MIL is a heavy smoker, and drinks like a fish. Her unit is not baby proofed and I have a very active daughter who is into everything. There is nothing there for her to do, and daughter told me that she basically watched TV with Nonna and went through her handbag - full of prescription meds, cigarettes, lighters, and scissors! MIL is not one that would go out of her way to find things for my daughter to do that would be interesting for her. It would literally have been just sitting in front of the TV! Also, there are some crucial opinions that I hold about parenting that I know she doesn't share - for example, I do not believe in smacking where I know she has no issue with that.

I know a lot of this stems from my insecurities, but I am really upset that I didn't get the chance to have any input into this before hubby did it.

I feel really betrayed and when I discussed this with him and tried to make him see that this is a big deal for me and that I feel that if the children are not going to be with him, I should know about it beforehand, he basically said that now that he is the stay at home parent, I get no say in the matter....... Grrrrrrrrrr.

Has this added to my insecurities? Yaha!!!!! Why do I lose the right to have some input just because I have helped us to stay afloat financially! I feel like I am being punished instead of being thanked for helping out and being prepared to switch roles.

I am so upset about this and despite him finally getting to the point where he has said he will discuss it with me first, I really think it is just lip service. I feel that he is just trying to make peace.

I just don't see the need for my babies to have to spend time alone with other people. I have been forced back to work, and I feel that this is now being forced on me as well - with a person that I don't trust and who I feel doesn't deserve to have this privilege!

Is there anyone else out there that just doesn't feel the need to leave their children? What is your reasoning? I am their parent and am fully prepared to do this full time. I have had to return to work to keep a roof over our head, and really upset that this is being forced on me as well. How do I learn to deal with this? I know ultimately there is nothing I can do about it, but how do I deal with the fact that my husband has betrayed my trust about something that he should know is really important to me? Why couldn't he have just talked with me about it to come to some common ground to help me to feel comfortable with it, rather than leaving me feeling like I have no choice and that he doesn't care about my feelings.

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Lesley - posted on 10/17/2009

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I meant to comment about what Jordan said - I get the same thing as well. "Let me watch her so you can relax" or "It's not healthy for her to stay with you 24/7" - ok first off, the last comment - WTF??? It's not healthy for a child to be with their mother 24/7??? Why? I'd think it was not healthy for the child to NOT be with their mother!! And for the first comment - I have moments during my day with my daughter that I can relax. When she naps! She is my responsibility - I chose to have her and I will raise her. I find that I get more negative attitude for WANTING to be with my child 24/7 rather than always looking for a place to dump her so I can go out. Why do I get made out to be a bad mother for this??

Well I tottaly see and feel were your are coming from!!! I'm the same way when it comes to my kids and their safety, I think that men feel its no big deal to leave child with whomever, they dpnt undetstand were us mommys are going threw, basically that's wht men and women are so different, mothers carry there child in womb for 9 months, then after spends all day everyday with them until otherwise, lime in your sitaution, its not fair becaue you have a scheduel for you lo n onlu you know what's best I mean duh your the mother!! Not knowing who is watching your child and not being there to observe will drive a mommy nuts! I'm sorry your hubby is insensitive and self centered to not bring to your attention babysitting matters beforehand... idk what to tell you but I hope life gets better good luck

My daughter just turned 1 and the only person I have ever left her with is my hubby. My family all live in Canada and I live in Greece. My mil is anxious to get a hold of my daughter but right now, I'm a stay-at-home mum and don't really need her to watch my daughter. I am also afraid of all the things I will have to undo after she watches her. I've seen how our youngest niece is addicted to DVDs and TV because mil lets her watch all she wants and I do not want that with my daughter. Plus, she is not a young woman anymore and is very much more concerned with cleaning and cooking (traditional old-Greek ways) hence why the other one saw so much TV as a baby. I dont' know anyone in Greece that I can trust with my daughter other than my friends, but they all have kids as well and we get together so the kids can play together. Anyway...as for your situation, I am against leaving my daughter anywhere there is a lot of smoke. My hubby smokes but not in our home - he smokes outside. His decision with my hope! BUt I wouldn't leave my daughter in someone's home who is a heavy smoker either. I guess you'll have to somehow try to meet hubby in the middle with this issue. Good luck! xox

Lori dear, do NOT let anyone make you feel badly about the way you feel! My son is closing in on 20 months and I can count on one hand the number of times I've let anyone other than me or his father watch him for more than 10 mintues. I've also run into issues with people getting offended about my repeated declines of offers to "take him off my hands so I can get a break from him." I just dont get why people dont get that when I decided to have a baby I knew what i was getting in to, he is my son and I'm completely capable of watching him all the time without falling apart. The first time he was away from me in fact was not by choice, I'd fallen ill with a virus and was in the hospital for three days during which he stayed with my mother in law and my husband. My husbands grandmother is the one we ran into constant problems with, she too smoked like a freight train and I know had I not been watching her constantly would have thought nothing of smoking while holding him. She constantly made it a point to keeping him up while I was trying to get him to sleep and one day just waltzed in and informed me that I was going to leave my baby with her! When I tried to tell her politely that I wasn't comfortable with that she just kept insisting thats what was going to happen and that I'd basically better just get over it until I finally had to raise my voice at her at which point she yelled right back at me and stormed off. (I HATE that, I don't feel like I know her well enough to do that and even if I did I try hard not to be disrespectful no matter how hard others may make it.) A few days later she calmly informed me that she could be my best friend or my worst enemy and that I needed to make up my mind. Well if doing what I think is best for my son causes her to be my "worst enemy" so be it. (Needless to say that didn't, and will never happen.) She's in her late 60's and is very weak often requiring a walker just to get around, my son was always a chubby baby and if she were to drop him or he fell and seriously hurt himself (in her unbaby-proofed home) it would be impossible for her to help him. She also sees no problem with hitting her great-grandchildren with a stick when they do something she doesnt like and tries to call my son by nicknames because she doesnt like his name even though I had asked her repeatedly very politely not to. I know she would jump at the chance to undermine the way my husband and I have decided to raise our child as I've seen her do it not only to her own kids but her grandkids too. I know a lot of this stems from the fact that her other grandchildren have always been more than willing to dump their kids off on her but I just couldnt live with myself if I knowingly left my child in a dangerous situation and refuse to be looked down upon because of it. I'd rather be a little over protective and choosey when it comes to child care than to have something happen to him or worse, to lose him. Fortunately I've always had my husband on my side. If your husband is feeling overwhelmed and needs a break tell him to put your daughter in her room where she's safe to play for a few minutes and have a cup of coffee in the kitchen and just breathe for a minute or take her to the park where she can play and entertain herself but he can still see she's safe. If he absolutely needs to be away from her just make sure he understands (and clear it with your mother) to take her to YOUR mom until his can get her act together or have a friend or babysitter on standby for a few hours when it gets to be too much. Role-reversal takes time, I'm sure some of this is stemming from some self-esteem issues as well. Good luck hun :)

Lori, I agree that you have every right to feel the way you do. I also only leave my son (13mths) with my mother. For my own reasons I won't get into here lol I also do not feel comfortable leaving him with my MIL. My husband knows this as well and I hope that he would never go behind my back knowing how I feel. My only advice would be to talk to your mom ( if she's available during the day) and ask her if she'd be willing to take your daughter on occasion and sometimes without notice if your hubby gets too overwhelmed? Then at least your husband will know who to go to if he needs some relief...I hope that it works out for you!

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View replies by

Katherine - posted on 10/21/2009

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I find that leaving my daughter wilth someone I trust makes me better parent. I feel refreshed and ready to be with my daughter. My husaband and I made the desiscion to put our 2 year old in preschool. She is doing wonderful. Every moring she is pulling me out the door to go to school. She is a very engergetic child who needs the interaction. Now I can work on opening my buisness and finding a partime job until I get my buisness off the ground.

For so long I did feel guilty about leaving her with someone else, even my sister, whom I totally trust.. I toltally agree about your MIL. I would not leave my child with her either. Your husband should have discussed it with you first. I would flip if my husband did that.

Is there a play group in your area? Maybe your husband could join one. I know that it helped me and Elisabeth. It eased me into putting her into preschool.

I have a suggestion to the moms who have no family around. I have heard of some moms who each take turns watching each other's kids one night a month, so that a way they get alone time with their partners. After all the partner will still be there after the kids are grown and out of the house.

For me personally, I had to get over the fact that no one will take care of Elisabeth like I do. As long as it is a safe environment, I am okay with that.

You are their mother... it does not matter if you are at home 24/7 or working you have a say in where your children are left. My 3 will be 4 in Nov. They have stayed with my parents since they were 2 months old. They have stayed with a couple of aunts in an emergancy. They have not and will not stay with my MIL. I don't trust this woman. My husband knows my reasons, I expressed the way I felt about this long before we ever though about having kids. Another thing I have fiugred out after being married for almost 20 years, Men don't think like women do. They will do stupid off the wall things and not have a clue. My husband thinks that because she raised him she can help with ours... NO way. I am not sure how your husband feels about being home with the kids. Mine could not do it. 2 hours for me to run to the groc will just about put him over the edge.

It comes down to they are your children. If you don't feel comfortable and know they will be safe - Tell him no. And then tell him why and get his reaction.

I'm 100% w/ you. I work from home & my husband is in the medical field so I don't see him much. I too feel that my trust and the right to watch my children are a privledge that you must EARN. I have a 11yr old step son, 18mth daughter, 3/1/2yr old son and I'm 29wks pregnant. My parents smoke heavily & they & my 2 sisters discipline by spanking. I'm asthmatic & used to be abused by a aunt, uncle, grandparent. So I don't tolerate smoking near me or my kids & my parents have to respect that or they can't be near them, same goes for the spanking. My parents understand that too. So stress w/ your spouse and the grandparents that. This is YOUR child not there's and if they cant respect you then they loose that option of seeing them. Your husband needs to be addressed too....parents need to be one the same page or it can be confusing to the kids. Your feeling and his need to be respected. I feel more comfortable w/ people watching my kids in my home b/c its familiar to my kids, they're toys and beds are here, and I know its kid safe. When I have someone that's not family watch them, I ask them to watch them a few hrs while I'm still home but maybe I'll work downstairs, so that I can get comfortable w/ them and so can the kids before I leave them alone w/ this person. If my kids don't like them I don't use them. I also get a copy of their drivers liscense and proof that the address on the liscense is where they live (some people feel that's intrusive, but hey theses are my kids and are irreplacable and not property). My mother in law used to watch my kids on the weekend here and there, but i stopped b/c I d/n approve of the husky they just got. He's unpredictable, so I just told them that I haven't needed them or that I don't feel comfortable w/ the dog situation in their home. My husband d/n agree completely cuz he trusts his parents, but respects my fears.. STAND STRONG AND STAND YOUR GROUND!!!!!!the mother always knows best. We're w/ them more then dad and know better. Good luck!!! Oh by the way try looking up the web site nannies4hire.com its a site that you put in what you need and when and what your willing to pay and they match you w/ people w/the same desires. They also have background checks. If you state you want someone to do educational things and outdoor things w/ kids then they match you w/ those people who fit into your price range. Iv'e used them and so have my friends.

i understand your point about your parenting decisions (such as smoking, etc.) however, part of a grandparent's job is to SPOIL the grandchildren, lol! my grandma let us watch more TV, eat candy, etc. than our parents did. This did not UNDO anything our parents were trying to teach us. As children, we just looked forward to visits w/ them as a special treat.

i personally do not believe that going out on a date w/ hubby or going to get your hair done constitutes "dumping your kids off" on anyone else. parenting is a full-time responsibility, but leaving your child in someone else's care from time-to-time does not make anyone a "bad" parent.

Thanks so much to all of you for your comments. I have had to relax about it and I see the logic that it is ok to leave her with others - I still don't really see any advantage to her in going to her grandmother's place and sitting in front of the television for 3 hours, playing with her grandmother's handbag. If grandmother was one to think about what my daughter enjoys and try to stimulate her I would have much less of an issue with it, and if there hadn't been so much water under the bridge, but it just feels like at every opportunity, she has tried to undermine me and the fact that hubby has done this, is like a stake in the heart saying that he supports what she has done to me. He has never stood up for me when it comes to her criticisms or told her that she is being unreasonable but feels no issue in telling me this.

I think there are more issues at heart for my husband and it makes me really sad that he cannot talk to me. I would be happy to even consider putting Lili into childcare for a few hours if he desperately needs the break, but according to him, it is no big deal (read: total denial!). It is really upsetting that I thought we were on the same page and this has acknowledged that he feels very differently to me but wouldn't share it with me, just felt he knew better. I am her mother after all - I feel that line from my heart to hers drawing us together whenever we are apart too! She will be at school for a day a week next year, and I know she will cope. She is an outgoing child who seems to have had no issue with being away from us for a brief time (longer than I would have liked for her first time but again, this is another subject). I just still feel gutted that hubby couldn't trust me more to discuss it with me and that he felt the need to do what he knew I would disagree with just because it suited him.

There is some behaviour going on with the kids - expressions of anger and hitting all the time that I am really not liking, but there is not much I can do about it until I have a bigger role again. Oh for that to happen soon - I miss my babies soooooo much! I really would give anything for him to be back working, but can only do so much to make it happen!

Thanks again for all your comments. I feel so much better about my feelings - I really appreciate the support in saying that I don't need approval to want to be with my children 24/7 - as a couple of you pointed out, we had them, and are very willing to care for them! Thanks heaps ladies for your assistance!

First of all, you are entitled to your feelings and should not feel bad about not trusting your MIL. It does need to be discussed with your husband that these children have half of your genes so you get 50% of the say also. It sounds like your MIL is not the best person for them to be around, and it sounds like he is having some of the typical issues I've seen happen when the man of the house, the breadwinner is now the stay at home dad after the humiliating experience of being let go. Even if it's because a company closed and everyone was let go men still seem to feel extra offended. So he wants an hour away and he feels comfortable calling his mother the same way almost all of us are comfortable calling our own mothers and not the MIL. Maybe instead of them going to her in that dangerous environment, maybe she can come to them to watch them at your house for an hour. That gives you a little bit more security of knowing they are in a safe environment and risks are a lot less. I understand feeling betrayed by what he did taking them there for 3 hours and not telling you until after the fact. That is a separate issue between you and he. It can be like pulling teeth to know what is going on in their heads and even then you only know half of it. Maybe you can do something that will make him feel like you guys are a team in this. "I am angry at your former company for putting us in this position. You are stuck here with the kids and I am stuck away from the kids. (Now lets find a way we agree on to raise our children)". Takes his angry spotlight off you and puts it somewhere else so he is more likely to listen to you. I know it is totally passive agressive, but men don't seem to handle direct very well from women for some stupid reason. (coming from someone who had to learn the hard way because I was never taught to be anything but direct). I love my FIL but he smokes like a chimney. I asked him in much the way you did not to smoke before coming to see my kids and it went over like a lead balloon. So we settled on he comes here and we don't go there and smokes outside away from the kids. I had to compromise with him because he is their grandfather. After all, they are half of me, but they are half of my husband also so they have to see his side of the family too. We were forced into being a two income family so I have to leave my kids although it kills me. I can't leave them at the babysitter for any longer than I am at work. I've had people tell me when I get off early to let them stay and go do something for myself, but I can't. It's like a line straight from my heart to them pulling me to them. The only reason I am comfortable with them going to the babysitter is because I knew her before I needed her to babysit and she has been watching them for almost 4 years now. I don't do well if she isn't available for whatever reason, to the point of calling in sick at work on a few occasions because I don't trust anyone else. But for me it's a step farther. I don't trust my MIL or my own mother with them for any longer than a couple hours in my own house. Rebecca respects my rules and my boundaries for them in a way the older two women do not. Like they think I'm still a kid or something. Good luck with this matter. It seems there are multiple issues pressing on each other. Maybe a little compromise with them will go a long way. One small step for man, one giant leap for woman?

I know where you are coming from. I will not leave my 3 year old with anyone that I do not know personally and trust very much. However, I am coming out of my shell a bit. She is able to tell me what she did, what she ate, and what happened during her day now. I have found that giving her some extra room to go to a family members house for an hour or so that I maybe don't have the same parenting beliefs as I do is ok. She needs to understand that every home is different and that it is ok. I would rather have her exposed to the world young so she starts to get a feel for it. As long as the kids aren't in immediate danger (ie abusive person, someone that won't actually watch the kids, etc.) it will be ok. Kids bounce. :) I'm trying to be a bit more laid back with her and still be a good parent.

..and just to clarify, I'm not saying he should just dump the kids off whenever, where ever. But dropping them off at your moms maybe once a week for an hour or so shouldn't be a capital crime. I wouldn't dream of leaving my son with my MIL. She's morbidly obese smoker who can't get down onto the floor without getting stuck, and quite frankly just is not good with him. So I completely understand not wanting your child with the MIL if she's clearly not a good choice, but you shouldn't be so critical of your husband now that he's doing the stay at home thing. Think how you would have and wanted to be treated when you were at home and things will be ok. Good luck!

i totally agree with what kirsten has just said yes there needs to be some ground rules that the two of you can calmly come to an agreement on but it really is okay. i've been the same and not really let anyone look after my babies but once they turn three it's actually quite good for them to learn to spend some time away from their parents after all they will be going to school before long and have to get used to being apart from you.

Ok sweety, I know its hard, I have a hard time leaving my son with other people and for the most part don't, but I thinking you overreacted with him leaving the kids with your mom for an hour. Since you've clearly had issues with MIL, then you need to hash that out with your husband and get on the same page. Now that he's at home with the kids, he may need a little break every once in awhile, and you can't fault him for that. I know its hard being the mom who's always been there, but this isn't about you. This is about whats best for your kids. If daddy is getting super stressed and angry, wouldn't you rather them go spend an hour with grandma while he cools off and regains his composure? Since your MIL is such a heavy smoker, then obviously your husband needs to support you in not having the kids around that, but you have to give him some slack. Did you turn around and ask him everytime you decided to go do something out of the norm with the kids? Probably not. Things will get better. I'm there right now and trying to be more accepting of letting Jordan go to a babysitters on occassion.