Tag: dating

Disclaimer: I am not a licensed or professional psychologist or therapist. Please seek professional guidance if you feel like you need to speak to someone.

Having a partner is fantastic, you have someone to create new moments with, share your thoughts with and naturally grow together. And having a healthy mental state of mind is even more amazing and necessary to have. I don’t believe there is a such thing as being “normal” we are all so different that we must understand one another to even come to an agreement of what “normal” looks like. But to continue, You owe it to yourself to be complete, and you have more to offer your partner in your relationship. So here are 5 reasons why it’s utterly essential to have your mental health and relationship to be in check.

1. No One Can Complete Your Void Except You

– Would you prefer an easy $50 gig that requires little work and little knowledge over a $100 gig that would require just a tad bit more training that could draw you into even greater possibilities? I’m guessing you’d go for that $100 gig because you know more is better in the long run. So why would you offer your partner less of yourself?

~ Being in a relationship requires work, and you deserve to be completely honest with yourself when you know your not your best self, you can’t afford to cut corners and sell yourself short of being amazing. Being mentally healthy is not just a perk for your partner but a great gift to yourself. Sometimes we think having a partner will complete our lives. We may have a void in our lives and seeking a partner will never fill that void because only you can fill that void with whatever it is that you feel is missing in your life. Maybe that void is ‘battling self-confidence’ or ‘dealing with a bad break-up.’ Finding the root of the cause of what your void is and filling YOUR void is your responsibility. See a pattern here, this is ‘Yours.’ Don’t go into a new relationship hoping that a partner will complete you or your void. It’s possible to be in a relationship with the perfect person with all their goals accomplished, beautiful/handsome, everything you’ve been looking for in a lifetime partner. But when that “perfect person’ continues to grow and flourish will you grow bitter and resent their wholesomeness just because you haven’t figured out what’s missing in your life? Or will you challenge their worth, making them question if they’re good enough for you? Don’t do either! Be a complete package for yourself and for your relationship. Don’t sell yourself short just because you don’t want to do the work that’s required to be whole. Complete your own void!

2. You’re Carrying Heavy Weight

– Nobody likes someone holding them down; literally. Problems and drama that didn’t come with your relationship should be solved on your own. Your heavyweight belongs to you. No one is responsible for carrying your burdens, troubles, bad habits, and the bad choices that you’ve made. If you’ve got baggage, carry it. If you got terrible habits; change them. We all have heavyweight that we tend to carry around into relationships. And we all know what happens after, our partner gets aggravated, and love is lost. So stop carrying your heavyweight from relationship to relationship. Get rid of that weight, solve those problems you have on your own time and start fresh and light. Your life is just as important as the next relationship you are looking to get into.

3. Discipline

– A little discipline in your personal life goes a long way in other areas of your life. Having discipline is an acquired attribute. You’ve gotta be intentional about eating healthy, arriving to work on time, and be committed in a relationship that requires attention, love, care, support, patience, communication, listening, and it all has to be reciprocated. Being lazy and allowing poor manners in a relationship like having the same arguments about the same problems is a start to reflect on where you make it a priority to change and find a different outcome. Discipline is training yourself to correct a problem or molding yourself to become a better human. It’s not just for your partner it’s for you as well. Its self care, for yourself.

Don’t worry this is a process for me as well, I’m still a working progress in need of much self love and care.

It’s 12/08/2018 3:32 AM and I just wanted to share that this year has been the beginning of a breakthrough in my life. Let me emphasize “MY LIFE” no one else!

Earlier in the year, I had high hopes that my life would be better than the year before and after three months I fell back into depression. And I was stuck in that state of mind where I began to lose hope. I was losing hope in my future, in my career, in all my relationships and in my passion for writing and many more hobbies that used to bring joy to me. But I didn’t want to go back down the road of suicidal thoughts; I leaned on God, and it wasn’t easy.

I couldn’t understand the meaning of ‘walking by faith and not by sight.’ I’d go to church, listen to gospel stations and gospel music all day and night yet still I was so lost. I didn’t want to keep going. I didn’t want to listen to the preachers constantly saying “keep faith” I thought it just wasn’t for me.

But I’d been down this road before. So I continued to walk in the faith, NYE came, and I tried to lift myself up, Valentine’s day came, and I celebrated with friends, my birthday came, and I just kept sinking. I was unhappy.

Everyone constantly asking “how are you?” And I’d answer “I’m okay” knowing damn well I was unhappy and wanted to be left alone. But I kept thinking “small steps every day” and “walk by faith and not by sight” those just seemed as words to me rather than truth. And I broke down one morning on my way to work, cried as I got dressed, cried driving into work, and cried at my desk when no one was looking; I had enough.

I decided to stop dating because dating was not what I should’ve been doing. Nothing was changing and I was feeling sick to my stomach. I lost my appetite for days even weeks. Started smoking cigarettes to forget my frustrations and push away the thoughts that constantly drove me crazy. Yet, I kept believing you gotta “walk by faith and not by sight” then I sat in my car thinking why do I have to suffer? Why do I have to be unhappy? I couldn’t answer those questions.

So then my search for a therapist continued (oh FYI, I’d been in search for a therapist since 2017) found nothing until I was placed on a waiting list. I’d said ’fine’ it’s a better answer than “not accepting new patients.” I’d been on that waiting list since April 2018, yet in the meantime, I kept praying, meditating, trying to live my life.

Then slowly a shift occurred, work was no longer as stressful, but I still struggled with my career path. And before you knew it Summer arrived; warm weather always picks me up. Yet this year I didn’t take my selfie trip. Instead, I went out a lot more by myself trying to pull myself together. And I got a big chop, I’d been that long hair natural curly hair girl, till I was just sick of looking at myself in the mirror. So I cut it off. I’m not bald but undoubtedly short enough for barbers to cut my hair on a biweekly basis. I actually loved it. I had expected to hate it at first then I was relieved to see how much I enjoyed looking back at myself.

Hair has always been a part of my “look.” I was afraid I might not have been pretty anymore when I mentally decided to cut my hair, but I was ready to take that chance. Those that know me know I’m certainly more than a pretty face. But many see me and say “you’re beautiful,” and on the outside, I smile and say Thank You gently, but in my head, I say ”I wish you can see more than my beauty.” But now I’m certainly past that thought now. I still love my haircut by the way, and I don’t regret cutting off all that hair.

The amazing perk of cutting my hair has been viewing my life from a new perspective. What I needed to do was go through the pain of growth rather than tiptoe around it. I don’t like the pain, not one bit of it because I find it so hard to explain to others close to me how it feels and they don’t understand. And it made me feel like a complicated math problem that most people dread to solve. But the problem requires a solution, and there’s always a solution. The key is understanding it’s not for others to solve. It’s for me to solve and to share the solution with others to understand so that they can choose to accept me or walk away. And I’m good with that. No hard feelings, no anger, no regrets. This is what life offered me to grow because I wanted to change for myself.

Change offered me an advance on my career recently; small steps have pushed me to forgive myself and the people that hurt me and therapy uncovered the mess I buried only to realize that I’d be totally fine. So when topics about dating, daddy issues, and relationships are brought up again, I can answer them without anxiety and fear. I understand who I’m becoming, and I’ll forever be The Original Good Girl.

So I started dating a couple of months ago after leaving a long-term relationship and I’ve come to a few conclusions.

Women get rejected too.

I’m not who I used to be, I have a new vision of what love is.

If it’s too good to be true then it is.

Well here’s what happened, I got rejected!

I had never been rejected until last year. I met a handsome young guy that I approached (*kudos to me for taking that step*) and as we texted for a few days I noticed the messages were coming in hours later or a whole day later. And so my last attempt was to try to meet up for a drink. When I got the “I don’t drink text” I knew I was being rejected. What I learned from this experience though is that not everyone is interested in me. Now I know how it feels, Karma is a B***H for real.

Dating will force you to sharpen all your senses if your dating for a purpose of course. You will analyze the guys that are attracted to you, what your doing to attract those guys and how to change if you want to change. Dating is the pre-requisite to a long-term relationship in my view. I realized while dating and meeting new guys that I’m not attracted to the same things I used to like. In fact, I’m glad I’ve evolved because I certainly wouldn’t want a repeat of my last relationship. I’m using a new perspective and I know I’m not who I used to be.

Lust never lasts. Lust is dangerous, it’s a temporary feeling when you meet someone for the very first time and you both have so much in common. It’s a new sense of desire when you think you’ve met that one person that’s been your missing puzzle piece in your life. But the truth is if your missing something in your life you will never find it in your partner. You need to be whole and happy with yourself before you fall for someone that may not be the right partner for you.

However, your journey in dating may turnout always remember to be good to yourself.

We all know a cookie cutter is made to mold undefined dough into a defined cookie dough shape that we would like. And then we would create several cookies using the same exact mold. Maybe it’s because that’s how we like our cookies or that’s what we assume all the cookies of the same dough should look like. Picture our emotions as a tool that has one shape, let’s say a star. Use that star shaped tool on every single person you date. Those emotions are imprinted in that relationship. Now you’ve shaped a star in every relationship you’ve been in and you still don’t understand why the outcome of your relationship with each partner is not what you may like.

So why are we showing the same emotions to each person we date if we don’t seem to be successful with our goal to be with one partner for the rest of our lives. Or better yet why are we dating with the same emotions and seeing a repetition of the same outcomes in different relationships?

So let’s dissect emotions for a bit, according to Paul Thagard Ph.D., article in PsychologyToday ‘emotions are judgments about the extent that the current situation meets your goals’. This may take a twist here, For a long time in my long term relationships I’d been very nonchalant and quiet when my partner made me upset rather than express myself and later blow up in a rage. Ofcourse my partner hated that, but that’s just how I’ve been for so long. Never thought it was something I needed to change until I began to realize that I may need to evaluate the way I show my emotions. My goal has always been to be transparent and show my partner that I care and wanted a long lasting relationship. But that’s the tool I’ve showed all my partners. So I’ve come to the conclusion that whatever I’m doing may need to change a bit. That cookie cut mold is not effective for me, however it may work for some. And if you prefer showing that same form of emotion to each partner then that’s your preference. But as for myself, I believe change is necessary for a successful goal to be reached. If we can accept change in our workplace to grow and learn new skills. We could change how we express some of the same emotions that could be hindering us from being in a long lasting relationship. I rather make a change than never change and regret it later.

How many relationships have you found yourself in and needed to take a step away to gain clarity? Some may say “screw it I don’t want this anymore and let it all go”. Others stay and just deal. We often find that we put ourselves in redundant situations. But the main focus is to just get yourself together, press that pause button, and analyze what you’re in that relationship for today. Taking a break for the right reasons could definitely help. Here are 5 reasons why you could use a break.

5. Your life is not the center of your world anymore. Sometimes we engulf ourselves into our partner that we dive so deep and forget who we are or even how to function doing just basic things on our own. For example, you find it difficult shopping or choosing a nail polish or even what meal you want from the restaurant without your partner. You’ve choosen every little thing with your partner as if you don’t have a mind of your own. No More! Make your own choices and be comfortable with them.

4. He/She is beginning to ignore you or the things that are important to you. When you find yourself constantly repeating yourself to your partner about a topic or having a full blown hour long conversation that he/she doesn’t even remember anymore; it’s DISRESPECTFUL! Listening skills are so very important in a relationship! It’s part of communication!! And Communication is Key!!! Did you hear me, COMMUNICATION IS KEY, Ladies and Gentlemen. Seek out a therapist, I know it seems taboo for some but just one session could help. It can be a therapist just for yourself or for the both of you. All else fails talk to one of your unbiased friends or family member.

3. You’re not feeling loved. Playing a part-time role in a relationship is not fun. Nobody likes second place. You shouldn’t feel like you’re not sure how to plan a date night or a spontaneous time out with your partner just because he/she had plans you knew nothing about. Now don’t be confused with your partner’s career/life goals as his/her top priority because that’s probably what attracted you to your partner in the first place, but you knew that already right. If you and your partner speak on a daily basis or even live together it’s only fair he/she mentions their whereabouts and plans for the day or the weekend. Here’s an awkward situation to run into: Your partner’s mother calls and asks if you know where John* is tonite and you tell her you don’t know. She’s thinking what sorta partner doesn’t know where his/her loved one is, what sorta relationship is this. Now the mother assumes the relationship isn’t serious and may not take you serious either. Talk to your partner about everything even the smallest things, you may feel left out or part-time because your not communicating enough.

2. You’ve accepted all of his/her excuses and hear “it’s not that big of a deal”. Excuses should not be accepted. Your boss wouldn’t accept excessive late excuses so why would you accept them from your partner. You’re both trying to build a strong foundation in your relationship so don’t let cracks broaden until there’s no filler to smooth out the problems.

1. You haven’t let go of his/hers infidelity. For those that want it to work, find clarity in this situation; it’s gonna take forgiveness and mental focus to let go of the pain you feel. Don’t blame yourself and never let your partner blame you for they’re mistake. Infidelity hurts, don’t brainwash yourself into thinking this is your fault. If you’re married ’till death do us part’ seek counseling. If you’re not married but you want to make it work seek counseling and evaluate your goals as a couple. Maybe you both have grown in other directions and now it’s time to part. Relationships are investments. And your worth is gold. Take a break, if the relationship is worth it then you’ll get back together; if you’ve both grown apart, don’t worry you’ll be okay.