Roger Clemens Not Guilty, Free to Juice Up

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Roger Clemens has just been found by a grand jury to be not guilty on six counts of federal perjury charges. As Clemens heard the verdict, a massive grin came across his face. When pressed for a comment, Clemens replied “I knew those fuckers couldn’t handle my shit,” and stepped into a raised, quad-cab truck and drove back to his home where he injected horse steroids into his penis before viciously rage fucking a picture of Andy Pettitte.

Clemens’ baseball career paralleled his court case: Annihilation. Normally, when six charges are brought up for any matter, one of those pesky things gets the defendant on a technicality. However, Clemens big dicked the jury, law, and court to maintain his freedom, just as he big dicked every MLB batter he faced.

The world should have known this trial would end only one way after a previous mistrial in July of 2011. This was a sign that “The Rocket” simply cannot, and will not, be taken down by the law. As he rides off into the sunset, finally under no pressure, Clemens will surely continue to kick ass, shoot up, and live off the rest of his days as a baseball legend.