If you’re looking for the secret way to pleasure a pussy, you’ve come to the right place! If you’re thinking about vaginas, you need to put soap in your mouth and find the nearest Sunday school. An esteemed veterinarian in Vancouver is one kind Canadian, and he’s here to teach us all the proper way to pick up a cat!

Dr. Burstyn introduces us to Claudia and promises this is going to be “a fun little video,” and I don’t doubt him for a minute! Dr. B says it’s important to first introduce yourself to the cat and let it sniff your hand. Claudia seems about as interested in introductions as muscle daddies were in me back in my fun years. He proceeds to perform all the acts on Claudia that you’re not supposed to do, like swing her around, and then, in what is sure to have sent many a PETA member into cardiac arrest, he advises to “squish that cat” anytime she tries to run away from you while giving it a pill or cutting its nails.

Squishing doesn’t seem like the most ideal way to prevent a cat from murdering your ass, and if looks could kill, Claudia would have us all looking like the bloodiest scene from a Quentin Tarantino movie:

Dr. B later brings out a 14-year-old cat named Mr. Pirate, which coincidentally used to be my handle on Grindr. He calls out Mr. Pirate for being a little bit chubby, which coincidentally is what most people used to say to me on Grindr. Dr. B adds you don’t have to worry about hurting a cat because they’re “tough little beasts,” which I feel like he’s going to regret saying. Cats everywhere are going to knit that onto sweaters like all my lady friends have with “Nevertheless, she persisted” and form a kitty army that lobs piping hot Tim Hortons coffee at this guy’s office door and demand feline justice!

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