Brithdate: July 4, 2012 - now let me declare my Independence Day from this shelter.

Turn-ons: Golf's next major is the British Open, or just The Open. Like every time a major rolls around, ESPN and other sports channels will do a ton of speculating and sizing up Tiger Woods' chances of winning. He's the sport's biggest star; no one else is close. But how long is this going to go on? Woods hasn't won a major in more than five years.

Now on to Wimbledon, my favorite fortnight of the year. My sentimental pick is Roger Federer - and you better not say he's tennis's version of Tiger Woods. Fed is the defending Wimby champ. Over on the women's side, it's crazy to bet against Serena Williams. She's head and shoulders (and Prell) above everybody else.

Turnoffs: Let me twist an old joke. If you could take the Mount Palomar Telescope and somehow put it inside the Hopkins Ultraviolet Telescope and then put both of those inside the Hubble Telescope, you still couldn't see my interest in Kim Kardashian having a baby.

And did you read about that Alaska man who was mauled by a bear after feeding it barbecue? That bear knows what I go through each week in the drive-through.

How many more inane beauty-contestant bloopers must we watch before we stop holding these absurd pageants? Last week, Miss Utah gave a marble-mouthed, incomprehensible answer to a simple question about male-female pay inequality … and still finished third. I didn't feel embarrassed for her - I felt embarrassed for everybody on that stage. The whole idea of a beauty pageant is insulting to women and men and dogs and cats and tropical fish. Nobody cares about Miss America anymore. It's time …

Ideal home: Here's my opinion on the National Security Agency having access to my phone records and email - I just assumed …

It may sound naïve, but if secret agents want to eavesdrop on my phone conversations … good luck with all that. I am not afraid of my government. I feel the same way about cameras on street corners. I'm not breaking the law, so no problem here. And if a security camera helps catch a criminal, like the alleged Boston Marathon bombers, I smile and say "cheese."