Episode 1: Everything’s Comin’ Up Viall/Vile

A *special* thank you to ABC for gifting us with The Bachelor right out of the 2017 gate. We needed this.

Obviously I was thrilled to see my boy, Ben Higgins, supporting old man Nick to kick off the much anticipated season premiere. This poor SOB. Already the bachelors of years gone by are coming at Nick HARD shaming him about his dark past. He’s old as fuck, and has been turned down thrice on national television. I don’t know whether to love him or be repulsed by him. I am choosing in this moment to view him as resilient and inspirational. We will see how long this lasts.

I feel sad that I only started my Bach addiction during Ben’s season, because these throwback shots to Nick on previous Bachelorette seasons were TRIFLING. I’m sorry, my man, but you are not in a position to NOT have facial hair. That face is straight cherub without the fuzz. Also, I SEE YOU ABC, I SEE YOU with that totally unnecessary/necessary “nude” shot of Old Saint Nick in the shower. That was just a prelude to the kisses and sexcapades of this season. Everyone is horny as shit. Good.

Don’t know what got me more twisted, the fact that he has sisters/10 siblings and called his youngest one “sweetheart” when she was giving him dating tips, or the A Dog’s Purpose trailers Hulu forced on me during commercial breaks. Literally melted. Puddle on the floor. Sucked in. To all of it.

Chris Harrison doesn’t age. I want whatever this guy’s having….Is he a Westworld host? Is The Bachelor actually Westworld? Am I real? What is life?

Alright, the ladies this season….I wasn’t ready. All I know is this: I am tryna get a mani/pedi at one of Danielle L’s salons. Her dress was straight SEX and her nervous laugh was basiccccccuhh, but damn, the minimalist design in those salons…you know they pull the mani-pedi tools out of the surgical sterile packet thingys. Respect.

In light of he-who-must-not-be-named being elected, I really love how ABC threw a more than typical amount of hotties from foreign lands and black ladies in the mix. This episode celebrated languages across the globe. Nice! This probably isn’t because of Donald Duck, but I was feelin’ the desperate attempts to mix things up in a global way.

I hate these reindeer games that the producers rope these basics into participating in, ie: the trust fall, the stethoscope, unhinged Josephine with the raw hot dog in a book . And I’m sorry, Nick, but the fact that you “haven’t had a raw hot dog since you were six” is very CURIOUS. Love that you remember the exact age. Cornerstone memory right there.

Raven is straight up out of Friday Night Lights and/or Varsity Blues. Just some casual “muddin” while she’s not reading the Bible or watching football. Nick was feelin’ her “really cute voice”…..?

Alright, we have named our villian: Corinne. At first I thought she was shades of Olivia from Ben Higgins’ season, but honestly she is more evil, and SHE RUNS A MULTIMILLION DOLLAR CORPORATION, PEOPLE. #watchthethrone Oh I’m sorry, you have a NANNY to fetch you cucumbers? You’re a monster. Also, she’s twelve years younger than Nick. Don’t forget, her heart is made of gold but her vagine is platinum. Bring it on.

Alexis is pulling a Nick from Jojo’s season. Remember when he rocked up in a Santa suit?! Alexis’ shark/dolphin costume game was so much more on fleek, plus she’s got the Dirty Jerse accent. She’s definitely part of the Kristin Bell sloth loving camp, ie: she would lose her mind and break down crying if Nick Viall ever took her on a dolphin date. Obvi this has to happen.

This is kind of a ho circus with the nurse asking Viall to bend over, the camel hump situation, the no underwear comment. If the guys did this for a bachelorette, it would be rapey. It’s all so real. They are really playing up the fact that Nick loves to get fucked. WHO DOESN’T???

Poor Susannah. A beard massage as your entrance….? She really got the shaft. And not in a good way.

“Now that’s a keeper.” – Nick Viall, after meeting Vanessa………

Honestly, the best part of this entire cluster was Kristina’s manic Russian monologue amidst the rose ceremony.