Every day as a company we sit down to have lunch together: me, Jon, Tyrant, and my cousin McKenzie who took over my niece Mariah’s job of watching Marlo when Mariah started school back in August. Why have I not mentioned McKenzie until now? I’m just this second trying to think of a really good reason, and I can’t think of one. Let’s just pretend that she’s horribly disfigured, and I couldn’t bring myself to talk about her because I was scared people would find out about the sixteen toes on her right foot.

She wears special shoes. We taught Leta not to stare or ask questions. She often trips while holding the baby.

Anyway, Tryant is a vegetarian — sometimes self-righteous, sometimes not self-righteous at all, depending on his mood and how badly he wants to make me feel like a monster — and despite this he cooks a few breasts of chicken every day to put in our salads. He does this for us because one, he is awesome, and two, he knows the business is more likely to have money to pay him if we work instead of using that time to cook chicken. Also, it’s one more way he can screw with me, as if my mere existence were not enough.

One day last week after he had texted me that lunch was ready, I ran downstairs and into the kitchen only to feel a certain vibe. A wicked vibe. A sneaky vibe. And then Tyrant picked up a specific plate of salad, set it in front of me, and blurted, “THIS ONE IS YOURS.” Except the look in his eyes said, “DIE YOU WRETCHED WHORE!”

Maybe not that emphatic. Maybe it was more like, “I hope it’s a slow, painful descent into Hell for you, you who choose to give it up to so many so easily.”

I stopped, took a careful look around me, eyed McKenzie for a second, then asked, “What is going on? Something doesn’t feel right.” McKenzie shrugged, but she is very loyal to whoever was the first person in the room, so I knew I couldn’t get any answers out of her. Plus, those sixteen toes take a lot of blood from her brain. UNRELIABLE.

I cautiously proceeded with my lunch, looking over it carefully to make sure he hadn’t slipped in a wad of Coco’s hair or maybe a vial of his own blood, and then all of us settled into our meal. And the salad was delicious, the conversation as jovial as it usually is, right up until Tyrant saw me finish my last bite. That’s when he jumped up, ran over to the island, and pulled a black box out of a drawer.

“Glad I found this thing out in the freezer!” he said waving it around. “I thought it was the perfect addition to your salad, don’t you think?”

OH to the EM to the GEE OH DEE.

Let’s rewind a year, shall we?

In November 2009 my betta fish Lou died. It was sudden and unexpected, but he had lived longer than any other fish I’d ever owned. I chronicled his existence a few times on this website, how he had come into our lives, and a few photos here and here and there, so I decided I wanted to honor his death in some sacred way. So I basically built him a coffin out of a black box, wrapped him delicately in a vintage handkerchief, and then lined the outside of the box with a makeshift paper tombstone:

I had planned to bury him the next day in our backyard and write about his death, except there were a few feet of snow on the ground. Digging a sufficient hole in the ground was almost impossible. So I put his handmade tomb into the freezer in the garage. Note: your author did not flush him down the toilet like a normal person because your author is one, sentimental, and two, you guys, I kept him alive for almost three years! His sacred funeral was as much in honor of his death as it was a celebration of my success! I NEVER ONCE TRIED TO BOIL HIM!

Except! That snow didn’t melt until the end of May, and by that time I had loooooooonng forgotten about the handmade tomb in the freezer. In fact, that handmade tomb somehow survived the move to our new house. I didn’t realize this until a couple of weeks ago when I discovered it underneath a package of frozen peas, and I was all:

SHUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUP.

Yes, of course, I inspected it. Of course, I peeled back the handkerchief to see what state he was in, the curiosity was as unbearable as Christmas. And not surprisingly he looked exactly the same as when I had laid his plump, wet body there twelve months ago, except, you know, frozen.

Is this shit sacred, or what?

Fast forward to last week when Tyrant intimated that he had slipped Lou, my dead pet, into my salad. To the part where he dusted his hands, threw back his head in laughter, and cackled, “You ate him! Wasn’t he good?”

That’s when the room started to spin in slow motion, when half of the salad tried to claw its way up and out of my stomach. This was a new low. The lowest of lows: you do not feed someone her dead pet, especially if that someone is gullible enough to believe that you are evil enough to do such a thing. Especially if you are then going to hysterically laugh and then point at the person who thinks she has just eaten her dead pet.

Sixteen-toed McKenzie finally let me off the hook and said that Lou was still in the freezer wrapped in that vintage handkerchief, but by then I could taste dead pet fish in my mouth, and Tyrant was on the floor hyperventilating on his victory.

I was waiting for the part where you were all, AND THEN I STARTED HALLUCINATING!

Because we once bet a guy $1 to eat a beta fish and he did it! And then hallucinated for the next 2 hours.

Love it:)

Fartnarna

My son lost his pet Beta Fish last Winter too and could not flush dear Swimmer either. So he buried him in the soil of our big house plant with a popsicle stick that read “R.I.P. Swimmer.” I was a little worried that it would stink but it didn’t. It is nice to think that Swimmer added life to the plant.

apostate

So is a beta fish like a fish that’s still being developed?
I lost a parakeet once and we burried him in a box for checks.

vjl0027

Wow. I too expected just a tofu story. The fact that you spelled it TRYant in the 3rd paragraph is telling – he is tryin’ to drive you insane! Perhaps the commenter who thinks there is a sexual undercurrent has it wrong and Tyrant really wants you out of the way so that he can have Jon all to himself? I look forward to the revenge story.

jlhjla

That’s SO NOT FUNNY! That’s just MEAN! No, wait, back up a minute…ok, it’s pretty freakin’ hilarious ~ but in a slightly mean, sadistic way. But more towards the hilarious side.

thehappyscientist wife

Wow what a lovely little sarcophagus fer da fisch.

Ester Williams aka, flushing fish.

I have a funny feeling a bunch of you are googling ole Ester.

Great post, and ha ha with the bonus remark. Boss always gets last laugh. Always.

I had a dead Guinea pig in my garage freezer for a year. So glad that I’m not the only one keeping dead pets in the freezer. It feels good to admit that, regardless of the creep factor.

Truthful Mommy

I am liking this Tyrant less and less. THat was an awful joke to pull on someone!Shame on Tyrant!

mojo

HAHA that’s funny.. and gross.. and MEAN!

Kristen from MA

Wow, that’s a mean prank. I don’t like pranks in general, and one involving a dead pet? Double mean!

That said, I wouldn’t be able to stay mad at Tyrant for too long – he’s just too beautiful. And he’s veggie!!!! But get him back, Heather! Get him back good!

(Condolences on your loss, and RIP, Lou.)

Bryony Boxer

Wow! This IS the lowest of lows.

I had no idea you were so sentimental!

pambamboo

That is just plain mean and not funny – even if your (hysterically and graphically written) reaction was only half true!

nitebyrd

Tyrant needs help. Seriously.

Janice

In the context of your relationship, it’s a great joke and I can’t wait to hear how you get even. Personally I would make not screwing with my food a condition of employment. When I was a kid, my family often went to a local tavern with friends for turkey sandwiches. One time I bit into my sandwich to find a band-aid. The cook had cut his finger carving the turkey. The sandwich was sent back to the kitchen but the next three sandwiches I was served all had the same disgusting band-aid on it. Everyone was laughing except me. My hope is that the cook thought he was playing a joke on drunk adults and didn’t realize the band-aid was being sent out to an 8 year old girl. I never did eat that night…. And while I don’t expect you and I would ever meet, it would NEVER be over a meal

vent

Hilarious!

But what I found even MORE hilarious was this….

“I couldn’t bring myself to talk about her because I was scared people would find out about the sixteen toes on her right foot.

She wears special shoes. We taught Leta not to stare or ask questions. She often trips while holding the baby.”

Bwhahahahahahahaha! OMG Heather, YOU. CRACK. ME. UP!

AshesVonDust

Eep. Sorry, Tyrant, but you definitely knocked some sexy points off with that one. Too cruel.

Also? I freakin’ love Lou’s coffin. Adorable! You should sell those on Etsy. If I had a fish and it died, I would hope to give it a fancy burial like that. Also, if you made it with seed paper, that would be amazing!

heykathyrae

Is he related to WANDA BARZEE??? You know she cooked her kids’ rabbit and feed it to them. (Saw it on Oprah so it’s true!)

mkdsmall

I love Tyrant more every day. And by the way you look FABULOUS in Better Homes and Garden;s this month! Stunning in fact! The only way that spread could look better is if Coco and Tyrant were in it! LOL seriously nice work Mrs. Armstrong!

CrabMama

I am sitting here trying to think of methods of revenge. I am so in sympathy with you, Heather. You really need to cook a little bit though…

I am very nearsighted and I once ate a huge grilled portobello mushroom off a buffet, thinking it was some sort of weird beef patty.

Ooooo….. I got it! make some sort of soup and use beef broth or chicken broth, but tell him you used vegetable broth. Not sexy, but he will be grossed out, I bet.

Will he eat fish? Make tuna salad but use white meat chicken and rinse it off really well, and tell him it’s tuna. My mother used that on dad when they first married because all she could cook were tuna salad and fudge, and that got old quick in the 1950′s before convenience foods…

I’ll keep brainstorming more means of getting back at him… Remember, you will have to wait some time for this to work.

CrabMama

I am sitting here trying to think of methods of revenge. I am so in sympathy with you, Heather. You really need to cook a little bit though…

I am very nearsighted and I once ate a huge grilled portobello mushroom off a buffet, thinking it was some sort of weird beef patty.

Ooooo….. I got it! make some sort of soup and use beef broth or chicken broth, but tell him you used vegetable broth. Not sexy, but he will be grossed out, I bet.

Will he eat fish? Make tuna salad but use white meat chicken and rinse it off really well, and tell him it’s tuna. My mother used that on dad when they first married because all she could cook were tuna salad and fudge, and that got old quick in the 1950′s before convenience foods…

I’ll keep brainstorming more means of getting back at him… Remember, you will have to wait some time for this to work.

lcv

omg, that is truly evil…Tyrant is le scary.

NHMaman

My favorite author on the subject of eating a dead pet (if one can have such a thing!?!) is Milan Kundera. In his novel Immortality, he writes, “For her there existed no more perfect fulfillment of love than eating the beloved.”

OK, on second thought, maybe it’s a little too Jeffrey Dahmer-like.

Anyway, it also involves vomiting dead pet and comparing the merging of bodies to the sexual act.

Oh. Em. Gee. This man must not be allowed to be in charge of your lunch, your freezer, your extended family members, or anything else of value to you.

Especially funerals.

cory212

I couldn’t really get past the part where you said Tyrant prepares your lunch for you each day. Wish I had a Tyrant.

aseemlylife

I have never loved a fish. But if someone (tyrant) did that to me i think I would walk to my desk and draw a final check. That was just mean.

ClarissaD

OMG this is the funniest story I’ve ever read!

jocelyn21401

Tyrant earns every penny of his salary fairly. If only because this is perhaps one of the funniest things I have read in a long time. I have a horrible hacking chest cold, and my insides literally hurt from coughing, but the pain from the laughter was righteous.

momof8

Wow, does he believe in Karma?

writtendad

And you believed it? Really? That’s awesome! I have to side with Tyrant on this one. Well done.

Recommendations from Others on Facebook

Advertise on dooce®dooce® is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to amazon.com, and is also a RewardStyle, Shopsense, and Stitch Fix Affiliate.