A professional author who's been Out and Proud, openly gay, for many years, answers questions about the gay community for his gay brothers and sisters and other interested parties.

Monday, September 9, 2013

Gay -- or Exhausted?

I'm very concerned and I want an opinion from a professional, instead of my silly girlfriends. We are both in our early twenties. We've been together for a couple of years. He is a wonderful man, and I love him in a way I can't put in words. He's like the family I've never had.

Recently, we've had some rough patches. Money is way tight and it's put quite a lot of stress on our relationship. He works long hours and comes home cranky and demoralized. I really try and make home a safe and warm place for him, but it doesn't seem to help. (I wonder if he is depressed.)

Our sex life has DIED. I'm still very much enjoying my youth. I want sex every day or at least every other day. He says he is happy with it twice a week, but we can go WEEKS without him touching me intimately. It never really was as
freaky or as frequent as I liked it but, I'm at the point where I will
take ANYTHING. I'm also very resentful, because he will have me pleasure him and will not return the favor! Selfish! [You can say that again!]

I've tried everything in the book to turn him on like before, but nothing works. What
am I doing wrong? It's taken a huge toll on my self-esteem and makes me
feel vulnerable to the advances of other men. I've been told by male
confidants quite frankly that they will give me what I'm not getting.
Sucks. I only want to have relations with my baby.

Also,
I am worried he is bisexual/gay. I'm an openly bisexual woman myself (2
on the Kinsey Scale I've recently learned!) and I'd be accepting if he
only was honest with himself. Here are a few facts.

He
says he has never had relations with men. His mother thought he was
gay for the longest. I introduced him to his prostate, and he loves how
it feels. He watches ALOT of porn. He wants me to buy a
strap on. And, he made a strange comment that he was a girl with a
penis. I believe he was trying to turn me on. Didn't work. If I wanted
to be with a woman I would be, but I'm with a man.... I think [even if he's gay or bi he's still a man].

I'm
so hurt. I have a vagina and I want to be with a guy that can
appreciate it. I don't want a dick. Pardon, my language. This is very
emotional for me. So, are my fears
unfounded? Is there a way to communicate without him getting defensive?
Is this penis obsession gay or just another part of fluid human
sexuality? Is he transgender??

Any help would be a blessing.

Sincerely,

Horny with a Broken Heart

"Horny," there are a great many reasons why a guy suddenly loses interest in having sex with his wife or girlfriend. It could be depression or extreme fatigue, he could be having an affair, he could have a low sex drive or even be basically asexual. So let's concentrate on the remarks he made that make you think he might be gay or bisexual: the strap-on, the "girl with a penis" etc. I can see why these might make you wonder, though in of themselves they're not enough to go on, as I don't know the context and he could have been joking. Why did his mother think he was gay? Are you his first girlfriend [of course he's not all that old].

Some of his remarks might indicate that he's still finding himself when it comes to his sexuality. He might not be able to answer your questions because he doesn't know the answers himself. Although there's no way I could be certain about this, there is always the possibility that he's a gay man who is nervous about sexual experiences with other men and wants to try certain things with his girlfriend first. If you haven't already, read my post on Asking Your Boyfriend If He's Gay. Then consider talking to him about his sexuality. You can start the conversation by asking how he feels about gay people
and take it from there. Has he ever had sexual thoughts about men, or
had a homosexual encounter? Make sure he's relaxed and lead him into it.
The conversation may flow more easily than you imagine. It might turn out that he needs counseling or therapy, whether he's gay or not.

There's also the possibility of the two of you going in for couples therapy or counseling.

In any case, a couple at any age should have and deserve a healthy sex life, and if the main problem turns out to be that he's lost interest in sex [with you and with anyone] then he should get a complete physical exam, and if necessary, a psychological one.

But take heart. As you yourself suggested, this may be a simple matter of a man who is depressed by money troubles and exhausted by too many hours of work. Given time, it may work itself out. And by all means, insist that he return the favor when you do engage in sexual activity and not just let you pleasure him. It's the least he can do.

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