Angry adoptee

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Too Much Sugar?

Something was brought up about conversations with your inner child not long ago. I hate that shit. What in the world would I have to say to my inner child? I can just imagine how that conversation would go.

Big Me: Hey, how’s it going?

Inner Child: Do you have any pixie sticks? I like Pixie Sticks?

Big Me: Fresh out of Pixie Sticks, sorry.

Inner Child: I like Pixie Sticks, just not the grape ones.

Big Me: I’ll keep that in mind. Are you getting along alright?

Inner Child: I hate Kathy. She has a doll house with lights that work, all I have is a piece of shit Fisher-Price doll house. I want a Barbie House too.

Big Me: Do you ever think about anything serious?

Inner Child: This is serious.

Big Me: How so?

Inner Child: I have my needs to think about.

Big Me: It won’t make any difference in 20 years.

Inner Child: It makes a difference now. I’ll think about serious stuff when I get older. Right now I want a Pixie Stick and a decent doll house. Alright?

Big Me: Alright.

I believe that you never know when you are in the middle of something until it’s over. When I was a child I didn’t have a reference point to know what was going on. I can’t go back and change anything. Then as now, all I’ve got is mt experience up until this moment. For all I know I’m fucking up royally at this very moment.

The only difference between then and now is that now I feel I have some responsibility for my actions. I have more experience. Back then I was pretty much flying by the seat of my pants. I can’t change that. There are no do-overs in life. If there were we would never get anywhere.

Can you imagine actually being able to go back to childhood knowing what you know now? How would you deal with knowing that your best friend in the first grade was going to die of a drug overdose in her late twenties, that your uncle was going to get lung cancer, or your dog was going to get hit in the road? Even if you could stop these things, could you actually pick a better path for yourself? I not sure that I wouldn’t be more conflicted, and as a result really screw things up, if I had that kind of knowledge. Imagine the pressure.

I wouldn’t want to go through life considering every move based on where I find myself now. As I said before, you never really know how you’re doing at the moment anyway. I could fuck things up way worse.

5 thoughts on “Too Much Sugar?”

I might go back to 1986 in the April time frame and tell that adoption caseworker and her promissory note threatening doopy to stick it up her arse and then I would leave and take my in utero daughter with me.

Beyond that, I have no desire to go back and get any redo’s. I like who I am today and all the past events (good and bad) contributed to me. To like me is to embrace all that made me.

I just wish I could do that without having the experience of living in a maternity home and surrendering my first born to baby brokers. There will forever be a rift, a gaping, sucking chest wound.