We’re back, and we’re on a blog tour! Hooray! I’ve actually been looking forward to this book for awhile, and am reading it now. So I’m pretty happy to be on the tour for this one. I just finished it last night and it was AWESOME. Tragic in bits, but awesome nonetheless (review to come!). Faberge Egg Powers? Female Tsars? Romanov family stuff? Yup. Count me in.

So join me, after the jump, to see Patrick/Pearce’s guide to “Ways to Call Upon An Elk if you Lack Magical Faberge Egg Powers”. This should be quite fun!

Ways to Call Upon An Elk if you Lack Magical Faberge Egg Powers

There’s a scene in TSARINA where Natalya sort of accidentally calls a wild Russian elk to her using the powers she’s inherited via the Romanov family’s magical Faberge egg. Sadly, I do not actually own a magical Faberge egg, and I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that you don’t either. So, here are some ways to call an elk to you if you don’t have Faberge egg powers.

This is a real item. I am not entirely sure why it is a Hoochie Mama Cow Elk Call, but I think it’s important that you’re prepared for the possibility that the female elk may arrive in short shorts and a crop top.
Oh, wait— I’m sorry. This call is apparently to attract male elk, so perhaps it is you, dear elk seeker, who will need to be wearing the short shorts, since you certainly don’t want to let the male elk down, especially since he could have come from “as far as 400 yards away.”
Additionally, this call works by sounding like a female elk in estrus, and/or seeking her lost calf. I’m not going to lie— I question the authenticity of a male elk who comes running looking for sexytimes upon hearing a mother calf crying for her lost child. That doesn’t seem like the sort of male elk you should be attracting. You’re better than that, elk seeker.

2. Molasses + Rock Salt

A website I found suggests leaving these strewn about— that the two together are an “elk sundae.” Another site suggests stewing marshmallows about. I’d like to suggest combining the two into the Ultimate Elk Sundae. I’d also like to suggest you putting them on the lawn of Megan Furr, my arch-nemises from middle school. I don’t have her current address, but I’ll look it up while you go pick up the molasses.
This is going to be a lot of fun, guys.

This is a suggestion from an elk hunting board. To quote, “I never pass by a fresh urine mark without rubbing a little on me.” I want to make sure you all understand that this means, right now, there is likely a man walking around a forest, looking for some pee to roll in.
(I understand that this is a valid and ancient hunting technique, but I hope you hunters can also understand that it is disgusting.)
You can also buy bottles of elk pee or wafers of elk pee, and they will ship them right to your door the exact same way you receive packages and Christmas presents. These bottles are, like the Hoochie Mama Cow Elk Call, “sexual attractants”, though one bottle is also labeled ELK FIRE, which I would think would send mixed messages to the male elk. Anyway, you can order it for $7.97, and I now have another idea for when I figure out Megan Furr’s current address.

TSARINA Synopsis:

Imperial Russia swirls with rebellion.

The Reds are gaining ground, and the loyal Whites struggle to hold Saint Petersburg. But Natalya isn’t afraid. Wrapped in fur and tucked inside her lavish home, she feels safe. Alexei Romanov, heir to the Russian throne and her first love, has told her a secret: Hidden within the Winter Palace lies a Faberge Egg enchanted by the mystic Rasputin. With it, the Romanovs will never fall from power. The Reds will never take the country. And one day, Alexei will ascend the throne and Natalya will be beside him— the tsarina of Russia.

But when the Reds raid the Winter Palace, the egg vanishes and the Romanovs are captured. Natalya must find the egg to save Alexei, her way of life, and her royal future. To do so, she’s forced to ally herself with the enemy— a young Red named Leo who wants the egg for his own purposes. But as they brave a war-battered landscape of snow and magic, Natalya realizes that the world isn’t as simple as it seemed back in Saint Petersburg. Nothing– not friends, not politics, and not love– are as clear as Red and White.

Swirling with mysticism, Natalya’s heart-stopping journey through Russia is a compelling tale perfect for fans of Libba Bray’s A Great and Terrible Beauty.

About J. Nelle Patrick:

J. Nelle Patrick is the pseduonym for twenty-nine year old Jackson Pearce. She lives in Atlanta, Georgia, with a slightly cross-eyed cat and a lot of secondhand furniture. She graduated from the University of Georgia with a degree in English and a minor in Philosophy. She auditioned for the circus once, but didn’t make it; other jobs she’s had include obituaries writer, biker bar waitress, and receptionist. She currently coaches a winterguard at a local high school.

Jackson began writing when she got angry that the school librarian couldn’t tell her of a book that contained a smart girl, horses, baby animals, and magic. Her solution was to write the book herself when she was twelve. Her parents thought it was cute at first, but have grown steadily more concerned for her ever since.