Sunday, May 11, 2014

Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day here in Australia. It's been a really tough day for myself and my husband.

Seven weeks ago we were pregnant with identical twin boys. Then we lost them to twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome at 16 weeks. Plus it appears I have an incompetent cervix, though that was not the cause of our losing our boys.

These are our little boys:

We named them Jonathan Scott and Alexander William. Those are names we loved and they fit both of our boys perfectly.

Six months prior to that we lost another little one. Too early to tell the gender of our little Angel. Two years prior to that, another set of twins, again, too little to tell their gender.

We have now lost five little Angels (that we know of). I really wish God would stop taking our children from us. I don't know why He does it. Maybe it is part of some kind of Plan. Who knows?

All we can do is hope and pray. We will keep trying. We are taking six month break from the IVF as my body didn't do to well (I lost 1.5L blood and became severely anaemic). My IVF specialist, Gynacologist and Nephrologist all want me to get well and leave it for six months...

Here is a small poem I wrote. I am not a poet. I am not a trained writer. I just wrote how I feel.

Mother’s Day

My heart leapt with joy
When I knew there were two
Both of you, my little boys

We’d lost two before
And then a third, then we found we were having two again
My heart leapt with awe

We knew being parents to twins would be hard
We knew it wouldn’t be easy
We didn’t know grief would again pierce our hearts like a glass shard

We thought we were safe, four months along
We cautiously began to hope and feel joy… feel safe
Our hearts full of song

Then the unspeakable happened, both of you gone
Our hearts broken
No longer full of song

Dreams are shattered
Hope broken and gone
Nothing else mattered

Tears in our eyes
Pain in our hearts
We say our good-byes

Today is Mother’s Day
I am a mother to five little angels
For them I pray

We see other parents and wish them many joys
We wish our children were alive with us
We miss our beautiful little boys