In my post yesterday, I gave a few important “vital signs” that can be used to
monitor the health of your marriage: communication and selfless giving. Just as
doctors use our physical vital signs to look for signs of trouble, you can use
these key indicators to keep your marriage strong and fit for the long haul.

Here are two
more important marriage health factors:

Total Intimacy

As with your
total cholesterol reading, the total intimacy reading in your marriage is made
up of multiple types of intimacy. The key to marital health is to keep the
components in balance. As our wellness literature put it, “An incorrect balance
of cholesterol may indicate elevated disease risk.” So too are spiritual,
emotional and physical intimacy all needed, in good balance, to maintain optimum
marital health.

Intimacy is
organic, a living organism, and so it is either growing or dying. Your marriage
is on one of two paths: The Path of Intimacy or the Path of Separation. If you don’t keep a watchful
eye on the intimacy level between you, it’s easy to slip unknowingly onto the
path of separation.

Spiritual Intimacy

Do you pray together regularly?

Are you on the same page spiritually?

Are you comfortable talking about your faith with
your spouse? Do you?

Emotional Intimacy

Do you attend to the romantic needs and desires of
your spouse, regardless of your own needs in this area?

Are you emotionally engaged and present the
majority of the time?

Do you withdraw emotionally either in retribution
or in reaction to stress?

Do you avoid emotional reactivity in the midst of
conflict or do you let your emotions run away.

Physical Intimacy

Do you make sex a priority, settings aside time and
energy for lovemaking?

Do you maintain a healthy dose of non-sexual
physical contact throughout the day?

Do you kiss a lot?

Lastly, a question that leads to the next vital
sign: What is your…

Sexual Temperature

The truth is,
just like your body temperature is a good indicator of the presence of
infection, your sex life can reveal the existence of “disease” in some part of
your marriage. The difference is this case is that a hot sex life is actually good
sign.

When things
grow cold in the bedroom, it’s often because there is a problem somewhere else.
Examine the other areas of intimacy in your relationship (spiritual and
emotional) for signs of strain or pain.Pain,
frustration and resentment from unresolved issues have a way of finding their
way into your bedroom and infecting your sex life.

Here are a
few ways to take your sexual temperature:

How often do you make love? Frequency isn’t
everything, but it is important to regularly set aside time and energy for
this unique kind of intimacy. Do you know each other’s expectations of “normal
frequency?”

How comfortable are you discussing your sex life
with each other? When’s the last time you asked your partner, “How
satisfied are you with the ways things have been going?”

Do either of you struggle with sexual shame? How comfortable are you to be naked with each other? Are there
any hidden sexual sins that need to be dealt with?

When was the last time either of you brought a new
idea to the bedroom (or wherever)? Would you say you are stuck in a sexual
rut?

How often do you think and act sexually outside the
bedroom? Do you flirt, plan your encounters, daydream of your spouse, send
each other sexy notes or texts?

How are your marriage’s
intimacy vital signs? Do you check them regularly? Is your sex life telegraphing
issues elsewhere in your marriage? Don’t fool yourself into thinking that sex
isn’t that important. It is.

That’s four
vital signs so far:

Communication

Selflessness

Intimacy

Sex

I have just a few more
to share tomorrow. In the mean time, I’d love to hear your vital sign ideas.