The Woman's Role as Carer

If you find yourself in the position of primary carer for your boyfriend or husband
then DO NOT PANIC. As explained elsewhere on this site you are completely immune
from Man Flu.

Your beloved will shortly become completely dependant on you, requiring you to tend
to his every need. Do not shun any request, don't forget that the affliction
that he's suffering from is hundreds of times worse than the simple affliction which you know
and understand as the common cold.

There are three distinct stages to Man Flu and it's
important you know your responsibilities :

Stage 1 - I think I'm coming down with a cold. Don't forget,
even medical experts recommend self diagnosis, and ALL men are experts at recognising
the early stages. Here you will be expected to sympathise, any flippant comments now such as , "Oh
I expect it's Man Flu is it?", will cause immediate deterioration. Preferred responses will be along the lines of,
"There there, can I get you some chicken noodle soup and put your favourite Police! Camera! Action! DVD on?". This stage
can last from one to three days.

Stage 2 - It's not a cold, it's the 'flu.
Your beloved will barely be able to lift his fingers to work the
remote control by now. There will be dramatic displays of
coughing and chest holding. He will present a red and sniffly
nose, and a phantom fever. Do not mention <begin sarcasm˃ Man
'Flu <end sarcasm˃. Instead continue to serve comfort food and
provide him with a selection
of men's magazines (such as FHM or Maxim) to take his mind off the illness ravaging his poor body. You may also be required to gently dab his forehead with a lightly dampened
sponge or massage his feet. This life threatening stage may last from three to five days.

Stage 3 - It's not completely gone, but I think it's going. By now your beloved will
be physically exhausted. He will have spent the previous seven days teetering on the brink of death only to
have pulled through. However, he will start to feel less 'achy
all over', and begin to move short distances away from the sofa. Hang in there
with your pampering, you're nearly done. This stage can
typically last from six to ten days. Please be aware that any
sarcastic references to Man Flu at this stage can render the
hapless victim straight back to the life threatening stage 2. He
should be allowed a suitable period of convalescence (the length
to be suggested by him) prior to being tasked with household
tasks.