Are you tired of the perfidious ways of SJWs and their social-justice-seeking ilk? Sick of hearing about “privilege” and “racism” and “misogyny” and “hey maybe everything’s not about you man”? Dislike John Scalzi for no particular reason but have been afraid of the repercussions from Twitter nobs? Looking for a thought leader who can crystallize your unspoken childish hatred and fear and vocalize it for you so you don’t have to? Have a hankering for a healthy number of chapter 5s?

Well, look no further, friend!

Author, luminary, philosopher, public intellectual, Hugo-nominated editor and possible imaginary person Theophilius Pratt has just the thing* you’ve been yearning for in your aching heart of hearts:

*Possibly a work of satire. No puppies were harmed in the making of this book. Opinions and views of the author parodied do not reflect those held by individuals with a healthy relationship to reality.