See? We don’t know what Taco Bell’s new menu item is either

There are certain perks that come with being a syndicated columnist. For example, just last month at the Oregon Plumbling Convention, I was honored with delivering the opening plunge in the Northwest Clogged Commode competition. In terms of prestige, this is like ringing the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange. At least in the competitive plumbing circuit. I have also been a guest judge at the Portland Freestyle Burping Contest and keynote speaker at the Nouns of Baskervilles writers conference. Yet in spite of my notariety, I was admittedly a little surprised when Taco Bell included me among its new “Mystery Box Menu Item” promotional ads for the Super Bowl.

If you haven’t see these commercials, sports stars like James Harden and other high-profile celebrities are given a plain green box representing Taco Bell’s new menu item, but aren’t told what the item is. That’s because thanks to marketing wizardry — and an unfortunate incident that resulted in 500,000 burned taco shells — the new item won’t be available to the general public until Feb. 8.

UNLESS… you pre-order your [Chicken Twisty Supreme?] for Super Bowl Sunday. That’s right! You could be munching on your [Beefy Cinnabon Wrap?] a full 24 hours before others in your area even get a whiff of the new [Double-Decker Mexi-Nada?].

The point is, no one really knows WHAT the new item will be. But considering the release of the Waffle Taco last year, we can all agree anything is possible. Which could explain how I ended up with a “Mystery Box” in the first place.

Whatever the reason, here’s proof that I’m just as in the dark as anyone else in these commercials…

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I've been a journalist and humor columnist at the Siuslaw News for 16 years. I'm also a volunteer firefighter. If the newspaper ever burns down, I will have some explaining to do. I'm married to the perfect woman, have four great kids, and a tenuous grip on my sanity...

25 Comments on See? We don’t know what Taco Bell’s new menu item is either

I have a feeling the new item is going to contain the core Taco Bell ingredients that are in every Taco Bell item: Meat, cheese, lettuce, sour cream…but be a different shape…like maybe a sphere this time.

In my local hometown paper, the top front page headline was (something like) “Taco Bell Coming to Town.” I shit you not (because that would be physically difficult and socially awkward for us both). Not crime, not The Donald’s toupee–a new fast food place is our big news. There’s a local legend that the Taco John’s owners bought out the local Taco Bell rights, years ago, to keep out the competition. Anyway, it will be right behind our store, and we’ve already been told that we can’t go out the back door to go there and get tacos. Or heartburn. And no going back in the back door either. For any reason. And no taking the forklift through the drive-thru lane. Fun-haters.