Holistic Psychotherapy & Healing

What is the hardest thing for most people to address directly in therapy? And that also happens to be a source of significant stress for the majority of Americans? Is it sexual issues, feelings of isolation, or aggressive impulses, perhaps?

No. It’s money – or more specifically, the emotional and compulsive ways we manage our spending.

At school, students learn penmanship, reading skills, how to use a library, and even (at a good school) how to play tennis. But how many of us learned – in school or anywhere else – the skills needed to successfully and wisely manage our spending?

Read on to learn how to gain mastery with this easily overwhelming topic.

In my previous article, I had introduced the notion of “radical acceptance.” This term refers to a deep spiritual stance of accepting the world around us as it is.

When we acknowledge the facts of our life (including the attitudes and behaviors of other people) without judgement or hostility, it becomes possible to respond with tremendous peace, thoughtfulness and kindness to even the most difficult circumstances.

If you have not read Part I yet, I strongly urge you to do so now before proceeding further with this article.

Why are relationships so often challenging? Whether we are talking about marriage, romantic partners, our parents or our own children, too often what should be satisfying and mutually rewarding is filled with resentment, anger, or frustration.

The challenge in any relationshipA relationship is an expression of a desire. In regard to my children, I have a desire to see them grow up to be healthy, happy, successful and contributing to the good of others in some way. But I also have a desire to be treated kindly and respectfully by them, to have them behave well in the world so that I “look good”, and to be shown appreciation for everything I do for them. With a best friend, I desire to see her happy, do well in her job and with her passions. But I also have a desire to be heard, to be given support during difficulties in my life, and to be validated and complimented for my successes. It is these two sides of every relationship – desiring things for the other person; and desiring things for ourselves – that get us stuck or confused. Almost always, if you are honest with yourself, the problem results from either 1) not knowing how to make our desires heard and supported; or 2) not fully accessing our deepest desire for the other person’s well-being.

Read on to learn how radical acceptance provides a powerful skill for improving any relationship.

As a therapist, I find that a large percentage of people who come into the consulting office are doing so to get help with relationship entanglements. Clients may complain of problems in getting along with a spouse, with children, with their family of origin such as siblings or parents, or with people at work. Even people whose primary complaint is stress, anxiety, or depression will often report significant issues of conflict with others, either as a result of their symptoms or, more likely, as the original cause of them. In other words, they are often stressed, anxious, or depressed about something, and that something is likely to be a conflictual relationship somewhere in their life. The Drama Triangle

Transactional Analysis provides us with an elegant framework for understanding clients’ relationship entanglements. This framework is known as the Drama Triangle. This is a term for an interpersonal “vortex” in which one person takes on the role and mindset of a Victim, Persecutor or a Rescuer. Other people then get pulled into complementary roles in the Triangle. The exact role a person takes on may vary from one episode to another, and even from one moment to another. As one person shifts roles, so do, unwittingly, the people around them, leading to a dance around the Triangle that nobody seems to be able to escape.

We already addressed two of the principles of successful, life-changing therapy: listening and conversation. To recap, listening addresses the importance of understanding just what is happening in your life: where you are feeling stuck, overwhelmed or hopeless. The therapeutic conversation – as the term implies – is a two-way dialog. What is unique in this dialog is that it involves clarifying which parts of your picture of your situation are accurate, and which parts involve limiting assumptions or generalizations that are unrealistic or unhelpful in solving the problem.

The third broad principle of successful therapy is teaching. Teaching involves actively imparting knowledge or skills from one person to another. For example, therapy involves teaching when the therapist offers specific tools to manage difficult emotions, such as anxiety or depression. Therapy also involves teaching when we go over new ways to talk to yourself – for example to challenge limiting assumptions. Finally, we are engaged in teaching when we review and rehearse better ways to set boundaries, to ask for what you need from other people, or to take emotional risks in getting closer to other people.