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As I was almost bowled over by a gust of wind last week, it occurred to me that the wind really has nothing to offer. Sure, people romanticize summer breezes and sailors probably like it, but just think: what does wind really have to offer you (other than maybe some inefficient electricity)? Name one good thing wind has ever done for you. Even if it has benefited you in some way, or you enjoy a cool breeze, wind has probably fucked up your day more than any other thing you never think about. It screws up your hair, blows away hats, hurls sand in your eye, and catches your umbrella (making you look and feel stupid).

It’s like a bully grabbing your hands and doing that “why are you hitting yourself” thing. It constantly fucks with you. "Hey Columbus, want to get to the America’s? Oops here you go; disease-ridden islands that you will believe are India." "Gotta new hat? Fuck you, chase it!" "Oh, your alcoholic uncle lives in a shitty trailer in Texas? Boom! He’ll need a place to stay for the next few years after that “tornader” rolled through town."

Or how about the self conscious kid who’s not a good swimmer clinging to the edge of the pool, when all of a sudden wind comes along and goes, “Hey Asshole, I heard you don’t like water. SPLASH! Hurricane! SPLASH! Tsunami! A Ha”. He scurries for dry land in a panic and towels off, blaming water instead of wind. “Ugh, I’m all wet. I HATE THE WATER!” Wind gets away scott free again.

Then a tree blows down on to your house, and you naturally go, “what the fuck, tree? You’re an asshole!”

The tree is like “I swear to god it was wind, he was just here!”

You fold your arms, staring at the tree sternly, as the tree looks around panicked, going, “he was just here I swear! You have to believe me!”

All of a sudden things turn ugly and wind murders 500 people during a tornado in Texas and we wonder why? Well, we let him get away with it for so long he just keeps pushing boundaries. Wind is like a serial killer who started off burning frogs as a kid, and now he has to keep killing to get high from that thrill.

He’s sneaky too - ever-present, but comes out of nowhere. Constantly stalking you but then leaves you alone just to fuck with you. Then out of the blue he blows sand in your eye. I’m telling you, this wind is a real problem. It’s probably the cause of more deaths throughout human history than any other natural event (unverifiable stat). More ruthless than Hitler, more random than the Zodiac killer, completely invisible, impossible to escape. That’s right, Wind. Are you scared?