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Anyone wonder where Eva Longoria is Thursday? I am here to tell you. Things like that are what I was born for. Ever wonder what you were put on Earth to do? Mine is a divine calling. I was placed here to tell mankind where Eva Longoria might be Thursday.

It’s New York. Where? At the Copacabana. When? Lunch. Why? She has a date. Known for her sexy marriage then divorce, and heavy-duty romances and tussling around with gents on “Desperate Housewives,” with what creature might she be lunching?

A cat. Her own cat. A product launch for Eva’s new Chicago-based company cat food. No guests. Just limited reporters who have cat-food expertise.

MISS Kim Kardashian’s arse, now larger than her ego, juts out like a shelf. She’s fretting over mommy-to-be weight gain. Favoring black and navy to minimize the size. Into workouts. Gym daily. Trainers daily. Seven small meals daily. Trying to curb junk-food cravings daily. Becoming big as a bus.

OSCAREE Anne Hathaway’s next film got postponed so for now, just playing house with husband and dog, she says: “I’m unemployed.”. . . Oscareee Jennifer Lawrence got X-rayed, determined her bosom is “lopsided” and says: “I hope nobody looks at them when I go through airport screenings.”

LANA Wood, Natalie Wood’s sister, is 67. Their late mother, Maria, used to live with Lana. Her home now houses daughter Evan Maldonado, son-in-law Eddy, their three children Nicky, Max and Daphne, and assorted pets. I’m suggesting professional helping hands check. Phone texts appear to substantiate troubling rumors. Might authority figures please look into this?

BRITAIN’s palace personnel never speak. However, Brits close to those who never speak — they speak. Stiff upper lips mumble Charles is slowly easing into the CEO job. Bit by bit encompassing more monarchial duties. A nod here, a ceremonial wave there, a wreath-laying wherever. The delicate process of quietly minutely shifting to Duchess Kate’s father-in-law has begun. Long live previously married/former mistress queen bee Camilla.

And mazel tov to the royals. Her future Majesty Kate’s lineage was traced back to Moses. Parents Jewish. Mother descended from the Myers family, English 19th-century Jews. Coming down the line on the matriarchal side, rabbinical law says England’s someday sovereign could have a Seder at Buckingham.

Cynthia Nixon: “I’m doing a workshop for Neil LaBute’s new play ‘The Money Shot.’ ” About staying au courant: “I have a TV, but no cable so no reception.”

Lin-Manuel Miranda, who wrote the musical “In the Heights”: “I’m doing another show. Music’s created in isolation. In the subway, I write words. If I’m seen talking to myself, that’s why.” He was talking to New York magazine’s Jennifer Vineyard so, overhearing it, I’m stealing it.

Cheyenne Jackson: “At 15, I did the ‘Cinderella’ show in community theater.”

Linda Lavin: “In two weeks, I shoot a new NBC pilot with Sean Hayes from ‘Will & Grace.’ I play the mother.”

‘A PLACE at the Table” is a documentary about people in need and the world in hunger. Jeff Bridges flew in for its Cinema Society screening.

“I came from LA to help Participant Films, who made this,” he said. “I’m a hit-and-run job, in and out. But I’m part of this campaign 30 years. There’s such federal government political rigmarole that we must get to the public. Who can stand kids hungry in America or anywhere?”

About the Oscars: “Mine’s on my shelf. Great being acknowledged by your peers. But a tip of the hat from guys who do what you do is now just p.r. for the motion-picture industry. Just, ‘Hey, come see the movie.’

“Listen, I started in show business when I was carried on at 6 months old. Visiting a set with my parents. To get attention, I got pinched so I’d cry.”

Next up for Jeff Bridges? “ ‘R.I.P.D.’ I play a dead marshal hunting down dead people who are pretending to be alive.”

Whaa?

“Yeah.”

AT a cocktail party. Tall collegiate guy to short older one: “Our dynamic sales manager’s writing a book. It’ll be called ‘The Age of Chiselry.’ ”