(Closed) How to give up and move on?

I’ve come to the point where I don’t feel I can take it anymore and I want to give up and move on. I’m so full of hurt and resentful towards him. It all came to a head yesterday and I just know that deep down inside he is stringing me along and doesn’t actually want to marry me. I’m upset all the time because of this and now feel even if he asked I wouldn’t want to as I know he would be asking for the wrong reasons.

Oceanfan: If you don’t feel he wants to marry you and that is something you feel strongly about then you need to let go of the relationship. It’s hard to tell if you’re jumping the gum since you didn’t state how long you’ve been dating and have been waiting, but if you can’t see yourself marrying him now, why keep holding on the relationship? Find someone who wants to be with you.

Have you had a calm, direct conversation with him to tell him how you are feeling? I think, as a fellow waiting bee, the hardest part was feeling like my partner didn’t really understand or validate my feelings about wanting to move forward and take the next step.

Once I was able to clearly (and less emotionally) articulate to him how I was feeling, what I needed and my desire to understand where he was, we had a really productive conversation that allowed me to stop feeling hurt or ressentment. Why? Because I knew he heard me, and I also made sure I really listened to him. Hearing him finally expressed to me what he was waiting for, helped me to understand and respect those things, just as I felt he heard and respected my POV.

I think what’s hard is that you say you know he doesn’t want to marry you and is stringing you along. If that’s really true (and only you and he know), then you need to be strong and move on so you can find someone who loves you and is on the same page (and perhaps a similar timeline) in terms of the future.

It’s an awful place to be in, but I hope you get some clarity soon. Hugs!!

I walked at the start of this year from my 4.5 year relationship, I know now he was NEVER going to marry me. I have actually never been happier and have more hope for the future than I ever did when I was with him. I actually posted here when I ended it and got so much support from the bees. I am still on this site despite being single as it is a great support network. Good luck to you if you choose to end it. I felt suddenly relieved and happy when I ended it, which was an odd feeling but I had obviously made the right choice.

Oceanfan: Getting over it isn’t simple. Keeping yourself busy will help. Beyond that time will help. Spending the time getting reconnected with yourself and your friends. Join a social club of some sort (hiking, running, book club, knitters anonymous? whatever your into ;)) to keep you moving forward and discovering yourself and making connections in different groups of people.

Be gentle to yourself and give yourself time to grieve the time lost but don’t harp on it. You will find someone on the same page as you and maybe it will be just around the corner from this.

I played Martina McBride’s “A broken wing” and Miley Cyrus’ “The climb” on loop for three days straight while I cried. Then I got a gym membership and went on a shopping spree for workout clothes. Then I got myself an eHarmony account and met my DH. 🙂

Thanks for the replies. I was really upset earlier and finished my post as I was crying so didn’t get it out quite as I thought it sounded in my head. I love him with all my heart and apart from this one issue I’m very happy. I do not want to walk away I do not want to be with anyone else. We have been together 3 years, we have our own house, we are having a baby together and he is fantastic with my children from a previous relationship. I did however want to marry him. It has been mentioned for the last 18 months. At first he said he didn’t ever want to get married. Then he started saying how could we afford a wedding. We opened a savings account specifically for the wedding. He has never contributed anything to it, nothing at all. He has however been happy to spend out of it on other things. We went on a trip in august and I wasn’t expecting a proposal. We did however have a silly little argument while away in which he shouted at me that he had planned to propose while away but I could forget about it now. He hadn’t bought a ring so I don’t believe he really intended to. he said he wanted to marry in church but as I’m divorced we couldn’t so we couldn’t get married but following a meeting a few weeks back at the church it turns out we actually could. Then he kept saying we could look at the church but constantly had reasons why he couldn’t go when he said he would. We talked about dates we both had in mind and mine was actually a year later than his. Yesterday we went to look. As we were leaving he said he was going to look to shut me up for a few weeks. Then when we were there he said it smells I said no it doesnt and he said it smells of entrapment. This was when I started crying. Then we came home and argued about it, he says if he didn’t want to get married he would say so and that we will one day.

I feel like I love him a whole lot more than he does me even tho I do know he loves me. I resent that he proposed to his ex having saved up secretly for not only a ring but the whole wedding. I feel like second best.

Oceanfan: Don’t view it as giving up! View it as growing up and realizing that there is something/someone better out there and this relationship was just a catalyst for you to move on and experience that “better” thing/someone. You can read my post history, I was in an unhealthy relationship a year ago and I posted all about it on here…Once I put my big girl panties on and decided to love me first and enjoy my life with or without my ex life became so much better. I chose to enjoy life without my ex and had to ignore his calls and texts… But while enjoying life without my ex I met my current BF and he treats me EXACTLY the way I want to be treated…Remember you don’t get what you deserve you get what you accept. {{Hugs}} If you can get through this rough patch of missing him, self-reflecting, etc… you will see just how amazing things are on the other side 🙂

You’re not giving up, you’re making it clear to him, and yourself, that you know what you want and you’re not going to settle for less!

I know you said you were happy with him when it comes to everything else, but what he’s doing when it comes to this marriage issue is what he would do with other issues. Believe me, if he would act this way when you’re trying to discuss marriage, he’d act this way at other times — times when such behavior could make life hell and put you and your children in a really bad place.

You’re doing a great thing by leaving him and moving on. It may hurt now, but later you’ll realize that you dodged a bullet and that you did the right thing for both you and your children. You deserve better, and you’ll be able to have better once you leave him.

You will walk when you are ready too. sounds like you are at that point but would easily turn back around. It’s not an easy process and something that you will do come time if the resentment keeps building. It’s never easy but it gets easier when u make the decision and stick to it. To me it sounds like he doesn’t want to lose you but he knows he doesnt want to marry you, at least not right now. He is talking about it because he knows that’s what you want and he probably wishes he did too because he loves you and he wants to make you happy yet he just is unsure and something is holding him back. He probably wishes he could change that and it’s like he is trying to convince himself with all the talk no action. This is probably a hard situation on him too because he knows it’s dissappointing you, yet he hasnt been able to pull the trigger and do it. You need to drop the idea of marriage with him for now and focus all your energy on assessing whether you really want to spend the rest of your life with him. You have children involved so take a few months to focus on your happiness and family, drop the marriage subject, and just be loving and have fun the next few months. Then if nothing has changed walk. its easier to do after you know you put all effort in.

Based on what your second post stated, it seems like he’s super defensive towards the whole idea of marriage and rings… but it almost seems… put on? To take you to look at rings and to make those comments while there seems like he’s just trying to get a rise out of you or a reaction or something. Why wouldn’t he just back out of going to look at rings in the first place? Very passive-aggressiveish.

I don’t blame you for feeling second best after your comment about his ex, I would feel that way too. Maybe you need to take a break from talking about marriage and engagement for a while and take the stress off both of you. You’d both get a breather from the topic and you can bring it up once some time has passed, maybe a few weeks. It’d also give you some time to figure out your feelings. I’d be curious to see what happens if the topic goes off the table, if he calms down and goes back to normal or if HE continues to press it.

No matter what you do, take a few deep breaths and know you’re strong enough to get through this!!

“At first he said he didn’t ever want to get married.” I hate to say this, but he told you exactly how he felt early on; you chose not to listen. And now that he feels pressured he keeps going through motions to try to appease you, but it sounds like his original statement still rings true. Honestly, with his comments toward you, and you saying you love him more than he loves you, I think this is an unhealthy relationship. At the very least, he doesn’t respect you because he is mocking your desire to be married or throwing it in your face. Someone who loves you and respects you won’t act that way toward you.

I would suggest you move on, though I know that is far easier said than done, especially in having a house and a child together. But unless something changes, this isn’t a healthy relationship.

Oceanfan: “Why get a cat when you wanted a dog?” Sorry, but the reality is that he’s not giving you what you want. Why not spend the time to find someone who WILL give you what you want (in this case, marriage)?

If my SO ever said something along the lines of “I was going to propose but forget it now”, I would have left already. It’s almost as bad as married couples fighting and throwing the D word around. Blatant disrespect.

And something to think about – what do you LOVE about him? How great he treats you? The way he makes you feel? Don’t be afraid to leave a bad relationship.