An Open Letter to My Home State of Michigan

You are so beautiful, and I am honored to call you home. Your dynamic seasons and lakes of abundance make you one of a kind state in this nation.

And, also, you can kiss my ice cold, pale, white, ass.

See, I recently traveled to NOT MICHIGAN and I realized, that while you boast a shit-ton of gorgeous fresh water lakes, spectacular sunsets, forests, and, I don’t know, like bears or whatnot, you are also SO COLD and SO DARK, and…not every other place is. It doesn’t have to be that way! It’s as if you actively spin AWAY FROM THE SUN just to keep us all pasty and sad for 6 months of the year. I own 9 ponchos.

Don’t get me wrong. The good part of the year, the sunny, warm, blissful bit, from July to late July, almost makes up for the rest of the frigid hell scape. You thrill us with over 200 varietals of wild flowers, a vast array of wildlife, and even a whole other second part of the state that has near-mountains, and almost-cool waterfalls. We like camping!

Your agriculture is plentiful! You gift us with cherries, apples, corn, soy, and so much more! When the weather cooperates, we can eat well here! But, we don’t. We’re the 10th most obese state in the nation, tied with Indiana, because they kind of suck, too. You know why? Do you want to know why, Michigan?! I’ll tell you why. I mean, well, it’s multifactorial, but MOSTLY it’s because we’re sitting in the back booth at McDonald’s, crying while we dip our 3rd Fish Fillet in our Shamrock Shake because we’re going on the 6th STRAIGHT MONTH OF WINTER and we’ve given up on everything. That’s why. We do have Vernor’s, though. That’s pretty cool.

You know how hard it is to have to brag about ginger ale, though?

At least, since we’re surrounded by lakes, we have fresh, clean water that all our residents can depend on! Oh. Right. Well, surely, the people in charge are quickly remedying th—-oh, no? Not at all? OK. Got it. So, another fish fillet, then. The tears help the tarter sauce lube the whole thing down.

Speaking of blood-sucking parasites, you have a lot of mosquitos. Why are there so many mosquitos?? Like, what are they planning? Also, there are many, many types of poisonous plants, including a new fun one called, “giant hogweed,” that causes boils and blindness. MY. God. We’re trying to hike and you’re trying to blind us!! But, why, Michigan? WHY??

I don’t mean to be so critical. i know that other states have their things, too. Some places have hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes….you do not! You keep your water and rocks tight! Well done, you!

But, seriously, do you think, maybe, that you could spare us just a few gray days a month so that we could cut back on our antidepressants enough to have the motivation to go for a walk and lose some of this weight? Think about it. Thank you! Love you! kthxbye!