‘Heroes’ 3.1 and 3.2: The kitchen sink hurts my head

“Heroes” returns with not one but two chapters of glossy superhero action and it’s so all over the map (literally global, baby) that I think my head’s about to split open like a world in an ominous painting or like Sylar just gave me the Ginsu finger. So let’s delve into the dramatis personae of “The Second Coming” and “The Butterfly Effect” post haste, because I need some headache relief perhaps only a cheesy reality show can cure.

Mohinder, a dull character who makes a desperate move that may finally put him out of our misery

So our noble (read: boring) Mohinder discovers a connection between powers and adrenaline. Never mind that death-eyes Maya warns him fooling with such stuff is against nature — Mo needs some powers to hang with everyone else in this show other than the power to bore the hell out of me. So Mo goes the Jekyll route and injects himself to kick-start his own latent powers. And those powers would be super strength, super hanging abilities, super climbing and super seduction of Maya. Ah, but just like Jeff Goldblum in that remake of “The Fly,” our super stud Mo soon goes from sweaty buff dude to sweaty buff dude with icky stuff on his back. That Maya sure can pick them. First Sylar the power leech, now Mohinder the puss bucket. Please, Mohinder, go away.

I never thought I’d get to reference one of my all-time favorite shows with “Heroes,” but why not? Meet Future Pete, he from four years from now with a scar across his face and a lousy way of trying to save the future by going into the past and shooting his own brother before he can tell the world he has powers. Future Pete has to fix the mess he’s made so he removes Present Pete from the equation and pretends to be Present Pete by altering his appearance to hide his scar. But Angela Petrelli (Momma P for short) sees right through the ruse and tells Future Pete to get back to where he’s from before he makes matters worse. (As Momma P so poignantly puts it, “You don’t screw with time.”) Momma P wants Present Pete back, but Future Pete stuck him in the body of Jesse, a super-powered villain not named Banshee who can use sound as a weapon. Jesse just escaped from Level 5 along with Flint (a sick flamethrower not named Pyro), the German (a master of magnetism not named Magneto but hopefully destined to battle the Haitian just because of their names) and Knox (a creepy dude who feeds off others’ fear to get super strength, an ability for which I can’t come up with a Marvel mutant character off the top of my head to match). Both Petes have to get back on the side of the angels. Hmm, nice enough segue for…

Nathan Petrelli, a born-again mumbler

Nate survives his assassination attempt and finds religion big time. How big time? Nate tells Disguised Future Pete they could be angels. Hooboy. Nate does have his own guardian angel of sorts — Linderman. Wait, isn’t he dead? Maybe. Only Nate can see him. Nate can’t see into the future but wants to make it better. He figures he’ll work on that by accepting the generous offer for junior senator of New York. After all, how could he resist when that offer comes from…

Niki Sand… er, Tracy Strauss, a chilling change of character

As if the Pete stuff didn’t already hurt my head, now Niki (or at least someone who sure looks like Niki, oy vey) is Tracy Strauss, a right hand with benefits to New York governor Robert Malden. Tracy doesn’t like being told she’s really Niki, be it from some reporter or Nate himself. Nate’s part of a grand plan. As for the meddling reporter who reminds me way too much of Jack McGee from the old “The Incredible Hulk” TV series, Tracy gets sick of his persistence to run a story about her as Niki and gives him the cold shoulder. Make that a cold touch so cold it turns the reporter into an ice statue that crumbles into cubes in the parking garage. Hmm, not very Niki behavior. Or Jessica for that matter. Hey, who is this?

Hiro Nakamura and Ando Masahashi, BFFs with trust issues

Now for some time-bending action I actually understand and enjoy, courtesy happy-go-lucky Hiro and his best bud Ando. Hiro has inherited 51 percent of Yamagato Industries but craves a quest instead of quarterly reports. Lucky for Hiro, his late father left him instructions to protect one half of a formula that could destroy the world — a formula that gets snagged by Daphne the super speedster. Hiro figures he can just pop into the future for some guidance but instead gets an eyeful of Future Hiro taken down by a super-powered Future Ando, followed by the start of total destruction. But before you can say, “Oh no, there goes Tokyo,” Hiro returns to the present so he and Ando can track Daphne to her digs in Paris, a veritable museum with all sorts of goodies, including the freaking “Mona Lisa.” Hiro puts Ando in harm’s way (sort of) so he can track Daphne’s next move, which brings up all sorts of trust issues since Hiro isn’t sure he can trust Ando and Ando doesn’t like almost getting killed. Whatever, the quest is on like Donkey Kong and that’s always fun. I think.

Matt, our lovable lug who has so little to do in these first two episodes that Future Pete sends him to Africa to get him out of the way of too many characters for the night

So, yeah. Who cares? And I don’t care about Elle or her dad, so there.

Claire Bennet, an unfeeling heroine who’s about to get darker — and not just her hair

I do care about Claire, who has by far the best scenes of the night. Her dark future self (with dark hair and clothing so you know she’s grim) tries to bust a cap in Future Pete, while Present Claire not only gets her head cut open by Sylar but also reunites with her adoptive dad Noah Bennet (still the best character on the show) and offers to help him take down the escaped villains, which would be all sorts of awesome because these characters by far have the best dynamic on the show. Claire’s headed for darker times, and not just because of how she looks in the future. Sylar really got into her head to get her healing ability and in so doing made it so she can’t feel pain. And an unfeeling Claire is an unhappy Claire. A darker Claire. A Claire we can’t wait to see join Noah in fighting the good fight against some truly despicable villains. So lose Claire’s real mom, the fiery Meredith, and get to the team-up already. Me want, me want.

Sylar, the power leech who has quite the connection to some brotherly Heroes we know

Speaking of Sylar, now we know why the weaselly leech just won’t go away. See, Sylar has some deep connections to a lot of characters on this show, and not just by way of their foreheads. Seems he has a special connection to Nate and Pete, one which only a mother like Momma P could point out. Dom-dom-domm! Wait, what?

Verdict

There’s just too damn much going on. I want Mohinder gone. I want Matt gone. I want Maya gone. I want more eps like “Company Man” and less eps like everything else. Yes, the Brotherhood of Level 5 Villains makes for a decent Big Bad, but not unless they take out some of these characters that need to go away.

As for Sylar’s apparent connection to the Petrelli clan, the show should have saved that for another season or maybe the second half of this season. Focus on the formula instead, maybe even tie the Level 5 freaks to it for some cohesion.

I wanted this third season of “Heroes” to rock. Instead, I’d rather see what’s up with “Dancing With the Stars.”