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Joan Rivers on Episode 1: Skintervention

It’s winter in Los Angeles, a time when every woman-of-a-certain-age’s fancy turns to…cosmetic surgery. Why not? Living here in Plastic Surgery Mecca and not having work done is like living in the Florida Panhandle and not developing a taste for gator. Besides, when they punch my card this time it’ll be face lift number ten, and you know what that means? The next one’s free! However, I have a feeling Melissa is going to try and talk me out of it. She doesn’t understand that in my business you’ve got to maintain your looks because there’s always somebody younger and hotter sneaking up on you.

Like Cooper’s ten-year-old friend Russell, who’s decided to become a stand-up comic. I told Russell I’d be happy to help him get his act together. That is until he gets good enough to steal work from me like that tramp Betty White, in which case I’ll cut his legs out from under him and leave him by the side of the road for dead. OK, I didn’t tell him that second part, but I imagine he’ll find out on his own soon enough.