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Digital Potpourri 5/29: Zombie Apocalypse Edition

This is how it starts. Now that the Zombpocalypse is upon us, it’s time for everyone to prepare themselves for the days and weeks to come. Sure, it’s possible that the face-eater was “on super-potent LSD or Bath Salts”, but better safe than sorry, am I right? The good news is that Miami is pretty far from everyone not living in the southeast. It would have been better if ground zero had occurred on another continent, but it does kind of make sense that it happened in Florida. Depending on your proximity, you probably have at least a few weeks if not a couple of months to prepare before it hits the fan. Since I’ve done quite a bit of research on zombies over the years, I will bestow upon you some useful pro tips for dealing with them.

Bat’leth you say?

1. Always be prepared. Stock up on your bottled water, canned foods, and zombie-smashing devices. Feel free to get creative with that last item: guns are most peoples first choice, but they’re loud and will attract more zombies, and bullets are finite. What you want is something that is lightweight but sturdy. Something that can keep you at arms-length from a shambler, but not too long that you couldn’t use it indoors. My preference is a Klingon bat’leth. If for some reason you don’t have a bat’leth already, a Katana (ninja sword) is a decent alternative.

2. Training is necessary. Just because running from face-eating monsters looks easy in the movies, it does not mean you can hop off of the couch and run 2 miles with 60 lbs. of gear on your back. Can you scale a chain link fence? Can you crawl under cars and other obstacles quickly and efficiently? Probably not. You need to get in shape if you want to avoid zombification. The best thing you can do is register for the Zombie 5k Obstacle Course coming to a location near you. This zombie-evasion clinic is operated under the guise of a recreational adult activity, but is actually a mobile zombie-resistance training facility. Pro tip: Probably unwise to wait for November’s Florida training at this point.

3. Go to where the people aren’t. Your first impulse may be to head to town where there will be safety in numbers, but that is the worst thing you could do! All it takes is one bite and then chaos ensues. Instead, go to a secluded area that is easily defensible and where the population is low. Remember, less humans = less potential zombies. Just head up to the cabin and dig in. A cold climate is thought to immobilize zombies, so if you can make it to Minnesota, Wisconsin, or North Dakota, you’d have a good 8 months of zombie-free living each year. However, you still may encounter some Canadians, who are almost as bad as the zombies.