Poor old Dave, it’s really not his week. First he loses a vote so he can’t make his name as a war monger, a la Joffrey Baratheon who was keen to lead his forces to battle from behind his mothers skirts. Then Mr Obama couldn’t find time in his busy schedule to give his poodle a nice cuddle, that damn vote again. Now, the leader of the Eastern Europe, Champion bear killer, Judo kai, and archaeologist par excellence, Oppressor of the Pussy Riot and Invincible President forever Vlad Putin has said this green and sceptered land, of which Dave believes himself to be leader, is nothing more than a Small Island.

Whilst the comment is not directly attributed to Uncle Vlad, the comment was made by a Russian Official to the press gathered for the G20, including our very own venerable Auntie BEEB. Now, there are three ways of looking at this.

1. Vlad is losing control over his paid officials. (Anyone out there in any doubt the former Mr KGB centrefold owns everything and everyone?)
2. The official was repeating something he’d overheard being said by Vlad or one of his crony fat cats
3. He is following the official party line.

Of course the swashbuckling ‘Super Dave’ could not let this pass uncommented upon. He is the leader of the most important collection of small rocks this side of St Helena. He immediately waded into the fray swining a metaphorical broadsword highlighting the achievements of this sovereign nation. He must have had lots to chose from, but here is his list as reported by our maiden Aunt.

‘We are very proud of everything we do as a small island”
“Let me be clear – Britain may be a small island but I would challenge anyone to find a country with a prouder history, a bigger heart or greater resilience,” he told reporters.
“Britain is an island that has helped to clear the European continent of fascism and was resolute in doing that throughout the Second World War.
“Britain is an island that helped to abolish slavery, that has invented most of the things worth inventing, including every sport currently played around the world, that still today is responsible for art, literature and music that delights the entire world.
“We are very proud of everything we do as a small island – a small island that has the sixth-largest economy, the fourth best-funded military, some of the most effective diplomats, the proudest history, one of the best records for art and literature and contribution to philosophy and world civilisation.”
He added: “For the people who live in Northern Ireland, I should say we are not just an island, we are a collection of islands. I don’t want anyone in Shetland or Orkney to feel left out by this.”

Well, that showed them then, …. Only, Just what achievements has Dave been responsible for?

Abolition of Slavery Act 1833, major achievement Dave, only it didn’t extend to every rock of the former Empire for some years, probably due to financier pressure. Oh and he forgot to mention we were the nation that openly embraced slavery and exploitation of the poor across the four corners of the globe.

Inventing most things worth mentioning, well we pioneered the use of concentration camps, World domination leading to mass death starvation and poverty. The rape and pillage of societies across the world to form the Empire upon which the sun never set. The settlement of disputes by force, rather than diplomacy. The imposition of foreign forms of government upon nations even as they leave the Empire, however grudgingly granted. The invention of the many weapons of war. (A question, would the longbow qualify as a weapon of mass destruction. I believe it would when viewed historically e.g. Agincourt)

Inventing most things worth mentioning including SPORT? Is that the best you can do Dave?

‘a prouder history, a bigger heart or greater resilience’ all built on the back of your average working man while the Posh stock sit back and accumulate the spoils. Not so much achievements as national character.

Proud of World War two? Of course, but also historical.

Not so historical, art, literature and music. All flourish in spite of rather than because of the present government.

‘a small island that has the sixth-largest economy,’ This cannot conceal, to our own citizens at least, that the economy is f****d. Dave and his banker chums may think everything is lovely and rosy but in the mire where the most of us live things don’t look so great.

‘the fourth best-funded military,’ Behind who? Are we really an example to others merely because we can say our Army is better than your Army? What about care for the young and the elderly? Social equality and integration are obviously less important than having lots of citizens armed to the teeth to beat thoise who disagree into submission.

‘some of the most effective diplomats,’ Who? What are their achievements? I see countries taking little, if any notice, of British Diplomats unless they are supporting the policies / requirements of the US. Where we send diplomats to talk to foreign governments on our own behalf they seem to achieve very little.

So, we are a little cluster of rocks onto which we cling precariously. The corporations domestic and foreign strip this land of wealth and resources. The air, land, sea and rivers are polluted by corporate mismanagement and land is built on, covered by tarmac and concrete leading to increased flooding risk. This once proud nation now cannot even recognise good ideas of others. There are issues with power generation. Take a leaf from the German book and have ALL public buildings fitted with solar PV.

Silly me the damn bosch thought of that one so we can’t be seen to adopt that idea. Actually, if you stop and think, the one thing this country of ours is truly great at is making enemies, even of friends.