FANTASY FOOTBALL IN-SEASON FEATURES

There is a growing tradition among sportswriters to give out “Christmas presents“ to people in the sports world during the holidays. By this time of the NFL season, my idea pool is getting shallow, and I’ve bitched about all I care to about how lady luck took me on a 15 week fantasy snipe hunt. So put out a plate of cookies and a good smooth bourbon, I’ve got a sack-full of goodies to unload on the deserving.

To Brett Favre: I give the willpower to say the word “no” when Mike Holmgren tries to lure him to the Browns next year. You’ve suffered enough indignity Brett. Oh, and you might want to check yourself on the weenie-pics down there in Mississippi. They might not cotton to your big city courtin’ techniques.

To Randy Moss: I give a time machine he can go back to September and get a second chance at keeping his big fat mouth shut, and sustaining the illusion that he is a viable NFL receiver deserving of a big fat paycheck.

To Mike Irvin: I give you my apologies if I insinuated that Randy Moss has a bigger mouth than you do. I saw some pre-show warm-up footage where you were flexing your mouth wide open and then back shut again, You could fit a subcompact in that cavern. Wow.

To Austin Collie: I would like to give Austin 60 minutes of football without an opponent treating his head like a Pez dispenser. But apparently, that is not possible, so I give him some extra strength Tylenol and a big fluffy pillow.

To Matt Millen: I give nothing. You single handedly destroyed an NFL franchise, became the most hated man in the city, and a laughing-stock around the league. Apparently that resume makes you TV gold, because everybody in football broadcasting is tripping over themselves to put your ugly mug, and below average broadcasting skills on the payroll. You need nothing Mr. Millen. You are Teflon. People with money and power somehow think we value your sandpaper smooth broadcasting, loser opinions, and the constant sight of your goony pasty white face and gay porn mustache.

To Vern Lundquist: I give you permission to bypass the buffet once in a while. I like your work and really dread the day when you actually explode in the broadcast booth.

To Vincent Jackson: I give a middle finger salute. Your week 15 explosion was exactly the vision-quest that compelled me to keep you rostered all season long. Unfortunately I would have needed to have actually made it to the playoffs for it to matter. But thanks for the parting spit in the face anyway jerkwad.

To Antonio Gates: I give a new pair of feet. Those ripped up hambones of his were the only thing between Gates and fantasy football dominance. One can only wonder if the Chargers came two feet from winning the division.

To A.J. Smith: I give you spite. You seem to value it more than anything, even winning. You can have all you want from me. I have a limitless supply for you.

To the NFC West: I give the Cowboys. They just can’t cut it in the NFC East any more, but they’d probably be the slumlords of this football ghetto.

To Andy Reid: I give you one of my many horrible roster decisions since you make none of your own.

To Josh McDaniels: I give you a 55 gallon drum in which to store your newfound humility.

To the NFL: I give you reason and conscience to combat the greed and hypocrisy that compels you to add two games to the season, while at the same time pretend to give a damn about players safety.

To Michael Jordan: I give you a razor so that you may shave off that Hitler mustache. It’s resurrection was not necessary.

To ESPN radio listeners: The Golf channel has already given us all a wonderful gift by hiring Erik Kuselias away from the four letter network, thus relieving us from his “in your face” half-baked fantasy advice. God bless us every one!

Misery Index

10a) Seahags: Since 2000 only 4 teams had allowed a team on its third road game in a row to win. A rare and dubious distinction indeed. Any chance we could add a 13th man?

10)Vikings: On a cold winter’s evening’, on a team bound for nowhere
Suited up the gambler, retirement he’d cheat
So they took turns pounding, on his old battered carcass
‘Til frozen turf overtook him, left him dazed and weak
You’ve got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em
Know when to walk away, know when to run

9) Giants: I haven’t seen a meltdown like that since the last time I uttered the words “calm down” to a member of the opposite sex during an argument. But this game was proof positive of one thing. My luck is turning. I was holding the Eagles +3 ticket. When I am on the right side of a poopy pants episode like that, there is something up. Thanks for setting me right G-men. Did you see where only one dude showed up for Manning’s press conference after the game? Manning called a team only meeting Monday so somebody would actually listen to what he had to say.

8) Texans: Since they had explored every other possible way to lose this season, the Texans went where few teams have gone on Sunday. They have given up trying to beat up on the opposition and have taken to beating up each other in the field of play. Owner: So Kubiak, has Denver been in contact with you about that job up there? Because, I mean, we wouldn’t want to hold you back. If that is the job you really want we’re cool with it. No hard feelings. Go ahead and take the jet up there and talk to them, take all the time you need, just get back with us. As a matter of fact, if it works out, just keep the jet and send us a text. Alright then. Good talk coach, good talk.

7) 49ers: On a pre-game sideline interview, Singletary said all Alex Smith had to do was “be himself” for the 49ers to win Thursday night. Let’s review. 165 yards passing with 3.7 yards per attempt. Zero touchdowns, an interception and six sacks. Alex Smith was more Alex Smith than he has ever been. So it is clear. Singletary has some misconceptions about what it takes to win in the NFL. Misconceptions. Cannot play with them, cannot win with them, cannot coach with them. Can’t do it.

6) Redskins: Remember the Sam Kinison routine about necrophilia morticians? It suddenly came to mind last week when I heard the Rat was benching McNabb for Grossman. Don’t worry Donovan. Your next destination will likely have no delusions about competing, and you should enjoy the remainder of your football afterlife in relative peace.

5) Broncos: What a Christmas miracle! Timmy Tebow got his first start the week before Christmas. Tebow waved his hand, the Black seas parted and he ranneth his ass off all the way to the end-zone. Not one laid hands upon him. The 40 yard TD run, though in a losing cause, probably brought forth an Ark-load of last minute Christmas gift Tebow jersey sales to new converts, and will help push all those unsold tickets for the last two home games out the door. And he who calls himself Bowlen smiled and said it was good.

4) Bengals: A win over the Panthers and another over the Browns are all that stood between Andrew Luck and another year in the NCAA. I wouldn’t hold my breath for a Christmas card from the folks at Stanford, but Panthers fans may forever be in your debt.

3) Cardinals: The next time a large group of your best players leave, go ahead and feel free to panic. The alternative hasn’t worked out so well.

2) Browns: You lost to the Bungles. You know the drill. By all rights you should be #1 this week, but with this late season crash you may have successfully rid yourselves of the Mangenius, so you aren’t as miserable as you could be.

1) Panthers: Maybe you guys have the right stuff after all. I mean, you finally win a game and I‘ll be damned if the Bungles didn‘t finally win one on the same week. So, it looks like you outlasted the competition. No real hope for victory over the next two weeks. Looks like you’re in Luck! Clausen, maybe not so much.