McSWEENEY'S INTERNET TENDENCY'S PATREON

Creation: An Oral History

Get ready to feel old: The universe has been around for 13.8 billion years! As the big 1-4-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0 approaches, we talked to the whole cast and crew for the behind-the-scenes story of how our world came to be. In the beginning…

GOD: It was dark. And that was cool, because I’m God and I can see in the blackest night. But one day I looked out at the abyss and I was like, What am I doing with my life? I was just feeling sort of adrift. Then I remembered: I’m an immortal being whose life has no end and no beginning! I need a project to pass time, which isn’t even really a concept I fully relate to.

THEHEAVENS: The bang was like, insanely loud.

GOD: I love drama.

EARTH: It was great to exist, obviously. But it was still really dark.

THEHEAVENS: He made me and the Earth in one shot, and I don’t want to say that wasn’t super-impressive, because it was. But there was literally nothing there. And even if there had been anything there, you wouldn’t have been able to see it because it was still just darkness all over everything.

GOD: I realized I was going to need to work on my visual presentation. That’s something I struggle with a lot, on account of how I am everywhere and nowhere and am invisible to the human eye. It’s hard for me to wrap my “head” (I have no corporeal form) around the idea of, Okay, but people still need to be able to see what they’re doing and where they’re going, and also each other. I’d say it took me about a day to come to terms with that, and then I was all in.

You could say things didn’t even really get started until four little words changed everything.

GOD: It’s so crazy how stuff catches on. I was just thinking out loud. “Let there be light.” But people still say that to me all the time! It’s definitely one of my most iconic lines. Like that and “thou shalt not…” are probably my two biggest hits. Sometimes I worry that I peaked early. I like to think I’m still doing good work and people aren’t listening to me as much as they used to.

SUN: Even though there were billions of other stars, I just felt this connection with the Earth right away. I knew we were going to be close.

EARTH: The Sun changed everything for me. Now it’s gotten so complicated, with climate change and skin cancer and all that stuff. But back then it was really simple and pure.

GOD: Once we had day and night, light and dark, I knew we were onto something special. People always say that in hindsight, but really, it was unlike anything I’d ever experienced, which means it was unlike anything in recorded and unrecorded history.

God was ready to make the Earth into the world as we know it today. This is when we got the water, the land, AND the sky, hello! And of course, He made a celestial being to rule over the night skies. Enter: the Moon.

GOD: I had no idea that the Moon was going to become such a thing. I was just trying to be practical. Daytime has a light. Let’s get a light for nighttime.

SUN: Look, my take is, why even talk about the Moon and me in the same sentence? I’m a flaming orb of life-giving light and heat. If you look directly at me, you go blind. The moon is just this bouncy hunk of space rock.

MOON: I was under the impression that the Sun and I were going to be equals. Then I see that God is out here calling me “the lesser light.” Did he think I wasn’t going to read that? Why are you talking shit about me to the entire world?

SUN: Jesus Christ, you don’t give off light. The Moon wouldn’t even glow at all if it weren’t for me. God is just stating facts.

MOON: WOW, okay. That’s what the Sun told you? Um, I don’t even want to dignify that with a response.

Then God decided to populate the Earth with all kinds of creatures, starting with birds in the sky and fish in the water, followed by all the land mammals.

SKY: All of a sudden, there were birds everywhere. Just in my face constantly.

EARTH: I have to say I wasn’t prepared for there to be quite so much bird shit.

OCEAN: [bubbles]

GOD: I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: I saw that it was good.

SUN: Honestly this is where it started to get difficult for me, because God started going around saying He’d created everything. Okay, sure. But if it weren’t for me, the Sun, all of this would die.

GOD: I’ve always been grateful for the Sun’s contributions to Creation and I don’t know why they would say otherwise. But the Sun can stand in their truth. Who am I to say that’s not how it happened? Oh wait, that’s right: I’m GOD and I LITERALLYINVENTEDYOU.