A recent study conducted by various universities across the nation has found that in the last five years, the average attention span of most Americans has dwindled drastically. Researchers measured attention spans by observing how long an individual would watch a television show of their choosing before becoming bored with the program and turning to some other activity. The results are startling. The average attention span falls between 1 and 3 minutes. Post-observation interviews revealed that many feel they do not have time to focus that much on television or movies.

“There are just too many adorable cat videos on YouTube I miss out on when I’m watching TV or some shitty Nicholas Cage movie,” opined one participant of the study.

As a result, in an attempt to bolster ratings and combat cat videos, numerous networks are re-launching many popular television shows into 1 minute episodes. AMC will be redistributing the first two seasons of its hit series, The Walking Dead, to attract more viewers. Notably, fans will see that the condensed versions of each episode that will focus on the most crucial plot points. Thus, all scenes involving Sarah Wayne Callies’ character, Lori Grimes, will be removed entirely. This will allow the show to focus mainly on Daryl Dixon (portrayed by Norman Reedus), with the remaining seconds concerning character deaths and zombie action.

Fox Broadcasting will also be re-releasing seasons of its Emmy award winning series, 24, staring Kiefer Sutherland as Counter Terrorist Unit (CTU) agent Jack Bauer. As to be expected, the new abridged episodes will feature only the scenes where Jack Bauer ruthlessly beats and tortures terrorists until they turn over vital information that thwarts their plans.

TV networks are not the only parties seeking to recapture the attention of audiences everywhere. Hollywood direct/producer Michael Bay will be revamping many of his blockbuster films into two minute films. Currently, films including Transformers, Bad Boys, Armageddon, and Pearl Harbor are scheduled to be sold as a DVD box set under the new format. When asked why not just show the original movie trailers (as they are the best part of any of his films), Michael Bay replied, “Not enough explosions.”

Additionally, online petitions have been created to prevent superstar actor Nicholas Cage from following in Michael Bay’s footsteps. The petitions originated on the website, www.NoNicCageNo.org, where one individual, identified by the username CatV1d3os>Wick3rMan,* summarized the reasoning behind the need for such action: