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26 October 2015

"Memories light the corners of my mind
Misty water colored memories, of the Way we Were"
Barbara Streisand ~ The Way we Were

Memories are very private things, you can be in a room full of people during a large gathering and still in your mind be a million miles away reliving a moment that no one there is even a part of. I believe places hold memories and revisiting them triggers the re enactment of them in our hearts and minds, the full rage of emotions is free to take hold when that trigger goes off. I guess that for me that place is my little home town, even though I went to school in the big city of Toronto I grew up in the smallest of towns, a special breed of child, the one known as the cottager's kid, in a small town that never forgets that you are not a local. For me though there are some things about this town that I can never forget.I came back to this town voluntarily, and the transition of being home has been interesting to say the least, there is a huge history here for me, quite a bit of it that is not the greatest of memories....In this town I lost everything I worked for due to illness, everyone that had been so wonderful when we had a thriving business turned their backs when we hit the rocks of poverty, everyone disappeared both familial and friends. This is the town that I was raped in, and the town that my rapist is buried in, it took me almost 3 decades to deal with that. This is the town that I held my father as he let his last breath go, although almost seven years ago now, still at the forefront of my painful memories. I am far from healthy here, my body breaks down and I struggle to deal with the past so it manifests in my physical life. How easy can it be to deal with the past when you face it each day, walk the same sidewalks and are forced to shop in the same stores. There is multitudes of pain here, memories that I can never erase and still I came back. To be clear I do not enjoy pain, but I am not good at running away either, when I left I was doing just that, cutting my losses, not facing my pain and just simply walking away from pain overload, it is now five years later, very unkind and difficult years by poverty standards. Who would ever think that poverty had standards but yes it does, some very stringent ones actually. Poverty has taught me much about who I am, who I was and who I want to be, something most people should learn at least once in their lives, but truthfully poverty is something that does not release its hold on you that easily. There are not many poor people that can boast a positive credit score, or have the resources to stretch that last dollar because sometimes that last dollar is actually just that the last dollar. The moment that one part of your foundation falls out from under you, which it does often with poverty the rest is like a house of cards it falls.....my poverty started here so I came back to face it, and face all the rest of them too. Of course being a minority, a witch and poor is a triple stack against me in this small town, anyone from a small town knows what that can be like. Every day I walk into the same areas I used to walk in before and still there are those that whisper, those that talk behind the scenes never having the courage to say to my face what they snicker about, still I hold my head up.....or try to. As our life unraveled here there was so much pain, hurt and anger.....everyday I deal with the consequences of the mental health issues that ran through our family, the losses that caused pain to rip people apart as I had to watch helpless as a mother and wife to help those I most loved, although no one really knew what was happening for us, the gossip train just rolled on with their versions and most times started by ex family members, people I helped who repaid me through their vicious lies to cover their own dirty hands. Everyday regardless of my own physical and mental health issues I get up and take care of everyone else, I deal with my pain quietly from even putting my foot on the floor, these are things that normally no one knows, but today finally after being here for a few months I feel the need to let it all out....maybe its the moon, or maybe its Samhain but either way this is only part of what I live with daily as I try to face my own demons, my memories.......it is hard shit doing this!Everyday single day! I get up and I light my candle on my altar, everyday I chant to Yemaya, everyday I offer my love, faith and trust to her....everyday I ask for the strength to keep reclaiming my own life....this shit is hard to do, but I have faith that each day will make the next one easier.....at the end of each day I have my magic that gives me the strength to keep believing.

May the Moon and Samhain bring us all what we need for this coming year....for me I finally let go of my pain on the last day of this five year cycle.....tomorrow I breathe fresh and step cleanly into our future.