Bow Down Before The New Benjamin

Bell in the motherfucking inkwell, y'all!

The Federal Reserve has re-designed the $100 bill because, why not? The currency could use a little redecorating, no? We owe it to ourselves. Literally.

And America is definitely entering her opulent phase when it comes to her monetary notes, because the new $100 has got a lot going on: A big purple ribbon, a color-shifting liberty bell embedded in an inkwell for some reason, a giant golden feather, lots of little golden 100s everywhere, the ghost of Benjamin Franklin embedded in the fibers, crystalized tears of Native Americans instead of zeros, a special hidden "Property Of The Freemasons" watermark that only appears when you dip the bill into fresh calf's blood under a full moon then rub it with a slice of potato, etc. Overall, it looks a little nouveau.

Still, it was nice of the Federal Reserve to put together this Youtube video to teach us all about this new bill that most of us will probably never encounter in real life. Apparently, the new $100 came from space and is magic:

Unfortunately, the hubris of this design probably just insures that in 50 years we'll all be using dried kidney beans as currency—but at least it'll give the older survivors in the underground bunkers something to tell the kids about: "Back in the time before time, when we lived above ground, we exchanged beautiful, magic paper for goods and services, and no one carried burlap bean sacks."