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Topic: Christmas Films - 2018 Edition (Read 5240 times)

I'm about to go in and see the fourth Nativity film. A fat, bearded little dwarf-man, by myself. I've had a proper family crisis this week and I'm not in the mood. I can't even think about Christmas. It's not even got Marc Wootton in. There is no reason for me to do this.

What are you watching? Anything new? Netflix just put up a Santa Claus family that looks pretty generic but apparently has a genuinely good and very sexy turn from Kurt Russell as yer man. Not watched it.

A few weeks ago I had to sit through Santa Claws (2014), a children's film about cats taking on the role of Santa, which may be one of the worst films I have ever seen. Here's the trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UGL4cj4gci8

There were moments where the director had obviously taken some decisions that were not then retrospectively applied to updates in the script. So for example you see 19 seconds into the trailer, when the cats cause a load of mugs to be smashed on the kitchen floor? Well I can only assume the script originally called for the cats to leave mud everywhere, as the mother enters the kitchen, sees the smashed mugs and remarks that she'll have to get the bleach and mop out (it's one of the reasons the cats are put up for adoption later).

And at 50 seconds into the trailer, you see Santa's sleigh flying really low over one of the gardens (because the cats are steering it); in the film it's a bit of a running joke that it keeps knocking over the medium-sized fibreglass Santa that just thuds onto the grass. Except the character living in that house - the Derke of this film - goes "OH NOOO NO NO NO" when it happens, and behaves as if it's going to be such a pain in the arse to sort out. Clearly the script was calling for this to be a complicated set-up that needed fixing each time, but the director couldn't be bothered with that so it's just a fibreglass Santa lying on the grass. At one point in the film the plot is moved forwards by Derke needing to get superglue from his next door neighbour to fix his Santa display, even though it obviously doesn't need superglue. And the woman next door's first reaction is "WHY MUST YOU DO IT TONIGHT" and because he is a Derke he doesn't even say "BECAUSE IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE AND I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE IT UNTIL THE SHOPS OPEN AFTER CHRISTMAS"; instead he stammers something about wanting Santa to see his brilliant display of three fibreglass Santas on his lawn.

Oh and it was made in 2014, but because of the rubbish CGI on the cats' mouths I assumed it was late 90s or something.

Anyway so that's a Christmas film you might want to watch, I dunno. Hope that helps.

A reminder that Netflix's holdings of Only Fools and Horses consist of Series Three and Four and a near-complete run of the Christmas specials, including the two-part Miami Twice that's reedited on DVD.

It's fine....obviously made on tuppence but the songs are pretty solid and the cast give it a decent stab. Though the decision to set it in a generic transatlantic anytown robbed it of any real sense of place which I'd been hoping would give it a really unique identity.

It's fine....obviously made on tuppence but the songs are pretty solid and the cast give it a decent stab. Though the decision to set it in a generic transatlantic anytown robbed it of any real sense of place which I'd been hoping would give it a really unique identity.

That's a shame, it's been hyped up quite a lot on various sites and as I love musicals I was really looking forward to it, but will probably wait for it to come out on dvd now.

It has been a wee bit overhyped, I reckon. It's obviously indebted to Shaun of the Dead, but just isn't punching at the same level. The musical elements are the best bits, but the Xmas elements feel a bit grafted on, like they were added to the 3rd or 4th draft of the script in order to give it another selling point.

Has anyone watched a film on the dedicated Christmas film channel on Freeview? They're all unremittingly bad. Like a film churned out by a sixth former bad. Terrible camera work, rubbish acting and woeful storylines (like a businessman wanting to chop a nun's tree down).

I can take comfort in a Christmas film, even miracle on 34th Street or Mrs Claus but this channel offers nothing. Which is a shame.

Cash on Demand is my favourite Christmas film. A gritty little Hammer crime drama with Peter Cushing as the manager of a bank forced to help with a robbery just before Christmas. It's shown up on Talking Pictures a few times recently and definitely worth catching.

A few weeks ago I had to sit through Santa Claws (2014), a children's film about cats taking on the role of Santa, which may be one of the worst films I have ever seen. Here's the trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UGL4cj4gci8

Cash on Demand is my favourite Christmas film. A gritty little Hammer crime drama with Peter Cushing as the manager of a bank forced to help with a robbery just before Christmas. It's shown up on Talking Pictures a few times recently and definitely worth catching.

Die Hard 2: Die Harder was originally made as a Christmas film but - yes you guessed it - test audiences hated it so much that all the references to Christmas were excised by sundown that very day. All the Christmas decorations etc were dumped onto the set of Home Alone 2, which was never planned as a Christmas film; John Hughes didn’t have enough time to remove it, and the rest is history, as they say.

The Christmas Chronicles with Kurt Russell as Father Christmas is alright. Kurt Russell as Father Christmas spends quite a lot of it in the gaol but he is quite a sexy Santa. Probably the sexiest ever? Can you name a sexier movie Santa?

Not Tim Allen certainly. The Santa Clause is one of my favourite body horror movies. He shaves his beard, it grows right back. In terror he exclaims, 'I'm in biiiig trouble, mm-hmm'. His massive fake looking wobbly belly. He feasts on chocolate pudding to sate his alien hunger. Very frightening scenes.

Paul Giamatti in Fred Claus? Not sexy. Jim Broadbent in Get Santa? Not sexy. Jim Broadbent in Arthur Christmas? Not sexy. Yep, Kurt is the sexiest movie Santa of all time. 3/5

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The other night I watched Office Christmas Party; it's fucking shit. WHY do I keep watching these SHITE American comedies about people taking drugs with NO JOKES. Complete bollocks. Oh Kate McKinnon steals every scene, she's a delight - WRONG. Jason Bateman, the SAME in EVERYTHING. Jennifer Aniston, just NOTHING.