It’s 8:35 p.m. on Saturday and the speaker has just suggested the topic “How God works in your life.” I settle back in my seat, preparing myself to be open to receiving the message of recovery. I’ve become very good at listening and finding a message. It’s rare that I walk away from an AA meeting without taking home a little hope.

I’ve been coming to this particular meeting for 10 years. In November, I celebrated 27 years of continuous sobriety in the same county, and the speaker knows this. But I won’t be called on tonight; in fact, I’m rarely called on at all in Alcoholics Anonymous these days. You see, I’m an atheist. I’m not resentful of my standing in AA, at least not often. And because I strive to stay a part of AA, most of the time I feel a kinship in the rooms. But there are nights that I wonder; there are nights that I feel separate.

I came into AA one month shy of 21 and, amazingly, it stuck. This means that if I stick around these rooms and don’t have a drink, in a few years I’ll be 50 years old and have 30 years of recovery, never having had a legal drink of alcohol. I came to these rooms without having lost a lot because, in truth, I had not gained anything in my short life, except for an obsession to drink. When I got here I was seething with hate, rage, pain and attitude, a common combination I’ve come to witness over the years. These emotions were all I had except for a small voice in me that didn’t want to be in pain or die, and that voice was enough to keep me coming back.

I had been raised in my parents’ religious beliefs and had rejected the idea of God at an early age. I remember questioning their beliefs and the concept of God, as early as 8 years old. Actually, by the time I found my first love, alcohol, I had rebelled against the whole idea of God. Alcohol had dragged me down by the age of 12, so it’s no wonder I felt hopeless by age 20.

The first years of my recovery were spent trying to live without alcohol. I worked the Steps with a sponsor and tried to follow directions. If you measure success by whether one drinks or not, then I was successful. However, I did learn some valuable lessons in the first 15 years of my recovery. I did service, worked the Steps and continued to go to meetings, but there was a deep unrest inside me. I had copied what other people had done and pretended to believe the way that they did. I learned the song and dance that was most acceptable to AAs in my community. I could parrot the Big Book and say all the things that people wanted to hear, and yet there was something missing. I wanted people to like me, to tell me I was OK, and they did for those first 15 years.

Then there was a point in my recovery when things began to change: situations happened in my life that pulled the rug out from under me and I was forced to change my life and how I was in the world. I was forced to open my eyes, and the changes began. They were gradual and subtle at first. I started seeking, not God, but something that I could believe in, something that made sense to me. It started with returning to school and becoming interested in the world outside of AA. Now, I’ve heard horror stories about people who stop making AA the center of their lives. I know many people who only socialize in AA — and that’s what works for them. I did not leave AA, but I took the principles that I learned in the rooms and went out into the world. I learned to listen to that healthy inner voice that we all have, if we have stayed on this path for any amount of time. I found interests and hobbies outside of the rooms and frequently pulled my friends in AA out with me to experience opera and theater. I began, for the first time in my life, to really thrive.

I came to the knowledge that I was an atheist more than five years ago, but it took some time for me to get up the nerve to step out of the closet with the general AA public. I did it while speaking at an Easter Sunday morning meeting over three years ago. At least 3 people got up and left. Truth is that I hadn’t planned it that way. Simply put, I just said what I believed and felt I needed to say out loud. I had been silent in meetings for over two years prior to that Easter Sunday. I had been listening for my truth, and it finally spoke up.

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I have heard it all since then. I’ve been told that I’m really a Buddhist, a Native American and, of course, that I will get drunk if I don’t mend my ways. There are those who ignore me and those who don’t understand me, yet I strive to be polite to all of them, regardless.

Most important are those who don’t care what I believe in because they love me and leave me to my beliefs, although we do have great conversations over coffee about our differences.

I’ve often been asked what I do each day to stay sober without a God. I do the same things that any believer does—minus the reliance on a God. I get up each morning and focus on what needs to be done. I strive to be the best person I can be, to carry understanding, love and tolerance in my dealings with my fellow human beings. I turn things over, not to a God, but to the knowledge that I live in a world that I cannot control. I take responsibility for what’s happening in my life and endeavor to be proactive on those things that I can take action on. I’m not perfect, not by a long shot, but I’m not worse at the practicing of these principles than anyone who believes in God. I find peace in the journey of life and living in this day. I still work the Steps and yes, I don’t work them with the word God in them. I have a sponsor, sponsor other women and do service. I believe strongly in doing service outside of AA as well, and believe that finding balance in all I do is the key to a strong recovery and love of life.

There have always been atheists in the history of humankind. Sometimes they have been ignored and sometimes persecuted, but they’ve always been present. There are atheists in AA. I have met some of us and we are productive members of AA as well as of our communities. The Big Book was written to include more than just a small slice of humanity, and there is room for us atheists. The Twelve Traditions were written to insure the openness of AA to all those who have a desire to stop drinking. I’m grateful to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. I have found a way of life here that first answered my drinking problem and then gave me solutions to my living problems.

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http://aaagnostica.org/2015/03/29/out-of-the-closet/feed/41A Skeptic’s Journey to a Higher Powerhttp://aaagnostica.org/2015/03/25/a-skeptics-journey-to-a-higher-power/
http://aaagnostica.org/2015/03/25/a-skeptics-journey-to-a-higher-power/#commentsWed, 25 Mar 2015 13:59:59 +0000http://aaagnostica.org/?p=8541Continue reading →]]>Originally published in TGIF at Renascent on February 27, 2015. TGIF Weekly Recovery News is an e-newsletter published on Fridays by Renascent, one of Canada’s leading abstinence-based treatment centre, and features articles and lived experience essays on a variety of themes relating to recovery from alcoholism and addiction. Email subscriptions are free and can be made here at Renascent. Once subscribed, you will receive a link to the e-newsletter every Friday. You can also access the weekly blog here: TGIF. Reprinted with permission.

by Lisa N.

The struggle I’ve had finding a real Higher Power has been 17 years long, and it turns out that Higher Power was so simple I almost missed it. If you are like me, perhaps my experience will be useful somehow. Here is what happened.

Round 1 — I Came:

I walked into AA 18 or 19 years ago. The God Issue turned me off completely as I was an atheist; the notion of a Higher Power was not only foreign to me but seemed a bit ridiculous. I stayed for about nine months, found a higher power in the form of a tall, dark, and handsome addict who had been in AA for 15 years yet was unable to stay sober. Suffice it to say things did not go well.

Round 2 — I Came To:

I returned to AA. I was properly defeated, beaten, bruised and willing to entertain the notion that there might be a power that could help me stay sober. They said “Fake it till you make it” and that the group could be my higher power.

Thankfully, I saw enough alcoholics in the rooms staying sober under conditions much worse than my own. This inspired me, and the collective wisdom of the group coupled with the literature became my Higher Power.

I got a sponsor, got rid of the addict, and started working the steps. I got very active in AA and in my new life. Thanks to the program, I haven’t had a drink since February of 1998. I haven’t been perfect and have had many struggles since. “Progress, not perfection” are words I truly live by today — and without alcohol I can manage to progress.

My sponsor told me to adopt the attitude “take what you like and leave the rest for now.” Often the things I left would make sense later on. The important thing was to focus on what I related to rather than the things to which I did not.

So, “turning it over” in Step 3 simply meant moving on the the next steps. Six and Seven were a little tricky but I managed to interpret them without the need of “God the Father.” For Step 11, prayer became my ongoing dialogue with the “universe,” akin to doing affirmations. I practiced moving meditation through yoga and exercise. I found an AMAZING church that spoke about joy and love — a language I could hear.

Fast forward eight years. I still was not a believer in a supernatural being who has a hand in the day-to-day affairs of humans. For me that never felt like truth. Although it is said in AA literature that your Higher Power can be a God of your understanding, I felt uneasy about mine being so different. The God most addicts shared about in meetings (and in the literature) was out there somewhere, personified as a “Him,” and had its hand in the material world in a rather arbitrary way. I could not relate at all.

Around 10 years of sobriety, I felt like I was a fraud. I just didn’t have a God. The Group of Drunks (GOD) was no longer enough to keep me sober because I began to see great (human) fallibility. So I decided not to go to meetings any more, as they no longer were a source of inspiration. This did not go particularly well. And that was the end of Round 2.

Round 3 — I Came to Believe:

Oddly, I still am atheist/agnostic, a skeptic and a science lover. However, there was something I had missed, and I had to fall and struggle to find it. That struggle brought me into another 12-step fellowship, as it was apparent that I was again powerless and needed to be restored to sanity. Frankly, it was a miracle I didn’t drink.

This time, however, I don’t feel pressured to believe what others believe any more. I have completely let go of what others think of me and my Higher Power. As a result, I have come to a Higher Power that is deep within and a very real part of me. I have often heard people say, “You need a god, just make sure it isn’t you.” But I personally needed a higher power that WAS part of me.

Turns out I had one! Here’s what it is …

I have always had a sharply intuitive voice of truth deep within me. I feel it in my stomach. When I listen to it synchronicity always happens, life flows like a gentle river and my heart feels lighter. When I don’t listen, chaos inevitable ensues. It is ever-present. I never ever considered that this was actually my Higher Power – it was too simple!

I’m not sure where intuition comes from, whether it’s a biological imperative genetically coded into our cells for survival, or if it has a connection to something bigger. I do know that I can “plug in” or “unplug” from the power. When I plug in, I am in that flow. Life is simple, without struggle, chaos or drama. When I unplug, life is an uphill battle that is meaningless, and I am left in the deep dark black hole I call “The Void.”

How do I plug in?

Being an active part of a like-minded group like a 12-step program. Going to meetings and being around people who are striving to walk a spirit-centred life as opposed to an ego-centred life.

Fitness: It has saved my life. I suffer from clinical depression and being active keeps my endorphins high and staves away the darkness.

Connection with others: Keeping in contact with a small but healthy circle of friends is key. It has been proven that just being with another person raises our serotonin levels — which tells us we are programmed to be in community.

Conversely, removing myself from toxic and addicted people is imperative.

I love to read, or listen to podcasts about science, psychology, and spirituality. These tools help me see the universe and our place in it as a wonderful, majestic mystery.

Thanks to my sponsor, a new outlook and recovery program, my higher power simply is “The Great Mystery!” I love it.

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http://aaagnostica.org/2015/03/25/a-skeptics-journey-to-a-higher-power/feed/21Jim Burwellhttp://aaagnostica.org/2015/03/22/jim-burwell-2/
http://aaagnostica.org/2015/03/22/jim-burwell-2/#commentsSun, 22 Mar 2015 14:00:20 +0000http://aaagnostica.org/?p=7952Continue reading →]]>This is one of 32 chapters in the book, Key Players in AA History by bob k. A paperback version of the book is available at Recovery 101 and at Amazon USA. As well, you can get the paperback version at Amazon Canada and at Amazon – UK. Key Players in AA History is also available at all of the standard online outlets in all eBook formats, including Kindle, Kobo and Nook, as well as an iBook for Macs and iPads.

By bob k

Bill Wilson wrote the Twelve Steps in 1938, “one night, late in December. He was frankly pleased with what he had written and was in no way prepared for the violent reaction when he read his steps to the group a few nights later… The ‘liberals’ were appalled and said so”. (Bill W., Robert Thomsen, p. 263)

“The ‘radicals,’ led by Hank P. and Jim B., became adamant in pressing their concerns that there was ‘too much God’ in the Twelve Steps.” (Not-God, Ernest Kurtz, p. 75)

The Christian “conservatives” loved it all, exactly as written. The radicals found allies among the moderates who feared the aggressive evangelism would be off-putting for drunks. Later on, the voice of psychiatrist Dr. Howard, joined the push for Bill to tone down the preachy nature of the manuscript, which Howard opined was “pure Oxford Group”.

“The fights raged on – and these arguments lasted much longer than the first night; some were still at it weeks later.” (Thomsen, p. 254) Even the somewhat sanitized Pass It On concedes that “there were heated discussions. Jimmy B. opposed the strong references to God”. (p. 199) The clear evidence of history was reiterated – “the missions did the ‘God bit’ and everyone knew they always failed with alcoholics”. (Thomsen, p. 253)

Bill resisted at first, but the cry for change was insistent. In the end there were concessions. “The felicitous phrase ‘God as we understand Him’ was suggested by Jimmy B., a New York member. Weasel wording the ‘God stuff’ made it possible for people of widely varying beliefs – even nonbelievers – to embrace AA’s process of spiritual transformation.” (Bill W., Francis Hartigan, p. 124) The radicals might not have been fully satisfied, but given their minority position, their achievement was reasonable.

At the center of the battling was the truculent relative newcomer and unapologetic atheist, Jim Burwell. Many years later, Susan Cheever, in a piece for The Fix, “The Angry Atheist Who Made AA Great,” wrote of her title character – “Without this nonbeliever, AA would never have thrived”. (The Fix, July 13, 2013)

Burwell’s influence on modern Alcoholics Anonymous has been far more profound than could have been realized at the time. As the world has become increasingly secular, and for so many, religion replaced by all manner of “spirituality”, a more Christian AA would be unpalatable to a huge percentage of the current membership. It is not only the atheists of today’s AA who owe thanks to this intractable advocate of “freethinking”.

Prosperity, Church Overdose, AND AWOL

On March 23, 1898, Jim Burwell was born into prosperous circumstances. He spent his early life “in Baltimore where his father was a physician and a grain merchant”. (silkworth.net) His parents were drinkers, occasionally overindulging, but they were not alcoholics. “Father was a well-integrated person, and while mother was high-strung and a bit selfish and demanding, our home life was reasonably harmonious.” (The Vicious Cycle, BB, p. 21) However, of four children, all three sons became alcoholics. Jim’s sister never drank.

At age 13, Jimmy was sent off to Virginia, to an Episcopal boarding school for boys where he stayed for four years. It was there that he developed his powerful aversion to all churches and established religion. At the academy, there was Bible reading before every meal, and church services to be endured four times on every Sunday. Over time he became contemptuous of the “mindlessness of faith”.

To please his father who hoped he would become a physician, at 17, he started university. Shortly thereafter he had his introductory experience with alcohol, blacking out the very first time he drank. His academic performance was inconsistent at best, and he feared he was on the brink of being expelled. In 1917, he rushed to join the Army, pre-empting an ineluctable embarrassment. Having done some OTC in college, he entered the military as a sergeant, and exited as a private, and narrowly avoided serious consequences when he went on a drunken celebratory escapade a week before the armistice was signed.

Job Loss, Memory Loss

During his military service, Burwell had become a “periodic” alcoholic. A similar pattern was continued in the civilian world, his drinking confined for the most part to weekends. He had some early career success. Employed in sales by a new national finance company, after three years, he opened and operated their Philadelphia office and was earning an exceptional income for a twenty-five year old, “but two years later I was blacklisted as an irresponsible drunk. It doesn’t take long”. (BB, p. 223) Jimmy next worked in sales promotion for an oil company in Mississippi, and for a while did well and got “lots of pats on the back”. Then he cracked up two company cars, and was fired by Hank Parkhurst, of “To Employers” fame. They would meet again in New Jersey, ten or eleven years later.

One more good job was lost over drinking. To that point, most of Burwell’s drinking had been confined to weekends, but at about the age of 30, that changed. A dry period of working “like mad” would be followed by a “rewarding” binge. He sometimes had trouble shutting down the sprees on Sunday. In the eight years before he stopped drinking in 1938, he had and lost, or quit, forty jobs. Every time he drank, he blacked out, and he would awaken with a “gnawing fear”.

January 8, 1938 – that was my D-Day; the place, Washington, D.C. This last real merry-go-round had started the day before Christmas, and I had really accomplished a lot in those fourteen days. First, my new wife had walked out, bag, baggage, and furniture; then the apartment landlord had thrown me out of the empty apartment; and the finish was the loss of another job… I finally landed at my mother’s doorstep – shaking apart, with several days’ beard, and, of course, broke as usual…

Here I was, thirty-nine years old and a complete washout. Nothing had worked. Mother would take me in only if I stayed locked in a small storeroom and gave her my clothes and shoes. We had played this game before. That is the way Jackie found me, lying on a cot in my skivvies, with hot and cold sweats, pounding heart, and that awful scratchiness all over. (BB, p. 219)

Jimmy’s old school friend, Fitz Mayo, had gotten sober in October, 1935, and he had his traveling salesman sponsee, Jackie, call in on the Burwell home. They talked for eight straight hours. “I don’t remember much of what he said, but I did realize that here was another guy exactly like me… Jackie told me about a group of fellows in New York… who, by working together to help each other, were now not drinking and were happy like himself. He said something about God or a Higher Power, but I brushed that off – that was for the birds, not for me.” (BB, p. 220)

Good God, There’s a lot of God!

After being dry two weeks, Jackie got drunk, and Jimmy became “the sponsor of his sponsor”. They were both summoned to New York, where they checked in at Hank’s. “All they talked about that first weekend was God.” (BB, p. 226) Burwell was conflicted. He loved having new friends who were like him, but the “God” palaver was more than he could take. No shrinking violet, and his confidence bolstered by his three weeks of sobriety, Burwell spoke out against the pious pontificating. Vociferously. Repeatedly.

“At our weekly meeting, I was a menace to serenity those first few months, for I took every opportunity to lambaste that ‘spiritual angle,’ as we called it, or anything else that had any tinge of theology.” (BB, p. 227-228) “I became a problem to that early group with my constant haranguing… I did love the understanding fellowship.” (Sober For Thirty Years, AA Grapevine, May 1968)

Tradition Three

Now it had become the turn of the godly to be conflicted, as “the elders held many prayer meetings hoping to find a way to give me the heave-ho, but at the same time stay tolerant and spiritual”. (BB, p. 228) Burwell’s involvement in these events made its way, years later, into the 12 + 12, as anti-religious “Ed”, whose disruption of the group’s harmony provided an early test of the inclusionary principle of the third Tradition – “The only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking”.

Years later, when Bill Wilson wrote the Traditions essays, he included a line that ranks among the most unforgettable in AA history, ranking beside “There was no real infidelity”, and, “Why don’t you choose your own conception of God? We’ll now close with the Lord’s Prayer”. Making fun of the early society’s exclusionary attitude and quest for respectability, “pure alcoholics” were sought, he reported. “They could have no other complications. So beggars, tramps, asylum inmates, prisoners, queers (sic), plain crackpots, and fallen women were definitely out.” (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 140)

Burwell was out on the road selling auto polish for Honor Dealers, making nice profits for Hank and Bill. In early June, the dilemma of the bombastic blasphemer seemed to have solved itself as the polish salesman relapsed while working out-of-town. The paragons of “love and tolerance” ignored his pleas for help, by telegram and telephone. Somehow, after two weeks, Jimmy made it back to Hank’s. He was meek and chastened. That part is likely true – he was doubtlessly less denigrating of the faith of his sober cohorts. But Wilson shows his creativity by adding a mysterious confrontation with a bible in a lonely hotel room.

All other accounts of Burwell’s continuing “disbelief” provide a debunking of the Wilson’s fable. The implied conversion is a fiction.

The Big Book

Jim Burwell returned to New York, sobriety, and the as-yet unnamed fellowship at the time when efforts to finance and produce a book were underway, and about to become the all-consuming. Ernie Kurtz has Jimmy at the forefront of those favoring a book. Perhaps, he thought a book would provide a further separation from the overt religiosity still lingering from the Oxford Group association, and thriving among the Akronites. Possibly, he was among the several unemployed, and under-employed New York alcoholics who envisioned career opportunities in the grand schemes being conjured by Bill and Hank. It is also reasonable to presume that the secularist may have been convinced by his former boss, the great “power-driver”, that Bill would be persuaded to write a book that was primarily “psychological”.

Thus we have returned to the beginning of the tale, and Bill’s hyper-religious first draft. The vehement arguments of the agnostic and atheistic element resulted in these changes: “In Step Two we decided to describe God as a ‘Power greater than ourselves.’ In Step Three and Eleven we inserted the words ‘God as we understood Him.’ From Step Seven we deleted the expression ‘on our knees.’ And, as a lead-in sentence to all the steps we wrote these words: ‘Here are the steps we took which are suggested as a Program of Recovery.’ AA’s Twelve Steps were to be suggestions only.” (Alcoholics Anonymous Comes of Age, p. 167)

Much of the credit for these changes goes to Jimmy B., but there were others in the camp, albeit somewhat less militant. Robert Thomsen, who, of all the biographers, had by far the greatest direct access to Bill Wilson, wrote, “There were agnostics in the Tuesday night group, and several hardcore atheists”. (Bill W., Robert Thomsen, p. 230) These men essentially accepted the “strength of the group” as a higher power. Years later, Bill Wilson was obliged to acknowledge that the troublesome heathen horde had “widened the gateway”.

In today’s multicultural world where, in most urban regions, various shades of latitudinarian spirituality have supplanted the canon and dogma of religion, the AA of the original manuscript would be unattractive, even to substantial segments of the fundamentalist population. There are many who would argue that had every “God reference” in AA’s Big Book been changed to an uncapitalized “higher power,” the gateway would be far wider still.

Further Contributions

“Jimmy B… had moved to Philadelphia in February 1940 to take a new job. Philadelphia soon had its own AA group… (which) came to the attention of Dr. A. Weise Hammer.” (Hartigan, p. 140) Hammer was a prominent surgeon with even more prominent friends. He shared his abundant enthusiasm for AA with Judge Curtis Bok, one of the owners of the parent company of the Saturday Evening Post.

Bok commissioned the Jack Alexander article which led to an incredible growth of AA from 2,000 to 8,000 in the last ten months of 1941.

Later on, Burwell penned AA’s first ever history piece, “The Evolution of Alcoholics Anonymous”. The essay, viewable on barefootsworld.net, carries the disclaimer: “His recollection of some of the specific facts are inconsistent with other reliable versions of the same story”. The less kind may perhaps speculate on possible brain damage resulting from his many blackouts. Burwell’s recounting of AA’s early history is woefully inaccurate.

Jim B. was not invited to contribute his story to the First Edition of the book. He may have simply not been long enough sober. “The Vicious Cycle” did appear in 1955’s Second Edition, and has survived into the third and fourth. It is understandable that this proud member wanted the recognition of having his narrative in a book he helped to create. He may well have consented to some editing, or soft-selling of his stance as a nonbeliever.

In Philadelphia, he was in a leadership position as the longest sober member, and his concession to “increased spirituality”, was to finally do a fourth step, thus surrendering some of his self-sufficiency. He opened himself to the “personality change” promised by the process and gained serenity.

Sober Thirty Years

In 1968, he contributed the article Sober Thirty Years to the Grapevine magazine. Burwell documents the evolution of his chosen higher powers;

John Barleycorn

The AA Fellowship

The forces of “good”

His own better self.

None of these are supernatural, although Barleycorn in his best moments could be divine. His softened attitude allowed him to use the phrase “God, as we understood Him” to refer to an understanding of higher powers that he clearly did not consider as “God” within ANY conventional meaning of the term. He took on the tone of secular humanism.

Burwell did love being sober, and he loved AA. It’s also fairly evident that he was enamored of the role of “AA celebrity”. But, as noted by his contemporary, the longtime sober Cleveland honcho, Clarence Snyder, “Jimmy remained steadfast, throughout his life and ‘preached’ his particular [non-God] brand of AA wherever he went”. (How It Worked, Mitchell K., P. 107)

In 1946, Jimmy married a woman he had 12th stepped a year earlier. In the 1950’s he moved to San Diego, where he passed into nothingness on September 8, 1974, sober 36 years, and 76 years of age.

Jim B. is buried in the Christ Episcopal Church cemetery in Owensville, Maryland near his boyhood friend, Fitz M. (Our Southern Friend), the son of a minister.

__________

This is one of 32 chapters in the book, Key Players in AA History by bob k. A paperback version of the book is available at Recovery 101 and at Amazon USA. As well, you can get the paperback version at Amazon Canada and at Amazon – UK. Key Players in AA History is also available at all of the standard online outlets in all eBook formats, including Kindle, Kobo and Nook, as well as an iBook for Macs and iPads.

At the one We Agnostics meeting of AA anywhere within a three-hour drive of Traverse City, Michigan, we’re lucky if we have a dozen people in attendance on any given Friday at 7 p.m.

That’s why I thought it would be a good idea for me to sign up as a speaker at the weekly AA “open speaker meeting” in the conference room of the regional medical center serving our community. With about 200 people in the room every Saturday at 8 p.m., it’s the largest single gathering of drunks any night of the week in our part of the state – fertile ground for spreading the word about our We Agnostics meeting and possibly bolstering attendance.

Many of those attending the hospital meeting are drug and alcohol rehab patients. Some are bused in from local halfway houses and treatment centers. A high percentage is there to get their court slips signed.

Interspersed among all the newcomers, of course, are the usual cadre of middle-aged mostly Christian white people with years of sobriety. A subset of those, I knew, feel responsible for protecting AA from the evil influence of those who don’t believe in “real” AA – whatever that is.

So, I had them in mind, too, when I began to brainstorm exactly what I would say in my talk weeks before I was scheduled to appear on March 14, 2015. I was grateful for some extra time to think it through.

The last time I’d been the featured speaker at a meeting a little closer to home was on the occasion of my 30th anniversary of sobriety in AA. I took that occasion to announce to my local AA community that I had decided finally to “come out” as someone who explicitly does not believe in God – an atheist.

In retrospect, I know I could and should have done a better job of preparing for that 2013 talk. I’d decided that having a general outline of what I wanted to say in the form of notes in front of me at the meeting would suffice – just as it had on many other occasions when I’d related my “drunk-a-log”.

But I’d hoped to accomplish more at that meeting than just relate the usual anecdotes about what it was like, what happened, and what it’s like now. I wanted to explain to my fellows in AA how I’d managed to stay sober for three decades without believing in God or buying in to all the religious nonsense in AA.

My off-the-cuff explanation failed miserably however. In fact, it still embarrasses me to listen to a crummy recording someone made for me of that 2013 talk. Some in my tiny, rural community were scandalized by what I said and haven’t treated me the same since.

Around the same time, I made a commitment to help keep a young and floundering We Agnostics meeting alive in Traverse City, about 20 miles from where I actually live, and make it my new “home group.”

In the two years since then, I have given much more thought to the question of how you convince people in “mainstream” AA – whatever that is – to not only be more tolerant but actually show some support for AA’s burgeoning We Agnostics movement.

That’s why I did not use a loose outline to deliver my talk on March 14, 2015. I wrote out a full, word-for-word script that I would deliver. I measured my words very carefully. This, after all, was not an occasion for me simply to tell a few anecdotes about my life as an alcoholic. I was trying to persuade people to begin thinking in a different way about AA – and at the same time recruit people who might be interested in attending our We Agnostic meeting.

What’s not apparent from either my written script or the audio file is a sense of how the whole thing actually ended up. There wasn’t really time for a Q&A at the end as I had hoped. But what really surprised me was how the meeting did end.

After I was done speaking, the guy who opens and closes the meeting suggested they close the meeting with a recitation of the AA Responsibility Declaration instead of “in the usual manner” with the Lord’s Prayer. That was pretty gratifying.

We’ll see if any new people start showing up at our We Agnostics meeting.

I spent 35 years as a functional alcoholic. By that, I mean I didn’t drink before or during work, but after 5 pm I drank about a pint of bourbon almost every day. Whatever I did after work was accompanied by liquor, usually Southern Comfort, including driving. Then in 2013, I got that long overdue DUI. It was suggested to me (imposed on me, that is) that I go to rehab and sign on with a certain professional agency created just for guys like me, requiring random urine screens, twice a day breathalyzers, AA meetings, and a few other fun obligations, for 5 years.

My sobriety date is Sept 7, 2013 – the day I entered rehab. I was introduced to the 12 steps there and I immediately noticed its godliness and redundancy. I decided I could easily edit it down to 6 steps (later, I found out Bill W had started with six). A speaker at a large meeting I attended introduced me to “Don’t drink, no matter what”. I’m not above using slogans, and I latched on to that one. At rehab, I was accused of boiling the 12 steps down to just one. Eventually, however, I ended up liking several of the steps, especially 1 and 4 – but not all 12 – and I liked AA, especially the good friends I’d made, religious or not. I decided to take AA at their word: “Take what you like and leave the rest”. If I had to continually reword a step in order to believe in it and rely on it, why not toss it? I later met several committed AA members with decades of sobriety who hadn’t used the steps at all nor had some even had a sponsor.

When I got out of rehab, I did 90 meetings in 90 days and tried to figure out how to handle the religiosity. Mainly, I’d get bored and irritated and not want to share – which is bad. After my obligation dropped to 4 meetings a week, I decided if I was going to get my full dollar’s worth out of a meeting without letting a resentment start to seed, I’d have to form an agnostic group. I considered trying to start a SMART meeting or an SOS meeting (both secular-based recovery programs), but I came to believe there was something special about AA – a certain power. Not only that, AA is everywhere and stood a greater chance of success. My decision toward AA was confirmed when the monitoring agency decided not to accept non-12 step programs.

Click on the image to connect with kindred spirits in your community.

AA Agnostica introduced me to three other kindred spirits in San Antonio and I found one on my own. All had far more sobriety that I did, and all were atheists like me. First, we had to find a place to meet. A few years ago, two of them had attended a short-lived agnostic group in San Antonio. They had met at a popular designated AA spot that hosted a lot of meetings. Somehow, they felt conspicuous (in their non-belief) and ostracized and the group fizzled after a few months. With that knowledge, we looked for the closest Unitarian Church.

* * *

Unitarian Universalism, or Unitarianism, is a liberal religion characterized by a “free and responsible search for truth and meaning”. The name “Unitarian” stems from rejection of the notion of the “Trinity”. Unitarians purposely don’t have a creed – a characteristic I appreciate. To me, that means they’re not wasting their time splitting hairs over meaningless issues that can never be proven either way, for lack of evidence. Instead, they are unified by their shared regard for intellectual freedom.

The theology of individual Unitarians ranges widely and includes Humanism, Atheism, Agnosticism, Pantheism, Deism, Christianity, Judaism, Neopaganism, Hinduism, Buddhism, and many more. Members may or may not self-identify as Christians or subscribe to Christian beliefs. Each member is free to search for his or her own personal truth on issues such as the existence, nature, and meaning of life, deities, creation, and afterlife.

UUs see no contradiction in open Atheists and Agnostics being members of their community. Many of them reject the idea of deities and instead speak of the “spirit of life” that binds all life on earth.

Since they are without creed or dogma, many Unitarians make use of their seven “Principles and Purposes” as guides for living their faith. The Principles are as follows:

We, the member congregations of the Unitarian Universalist Association, covenant to affirm and promote:

The inherent worth and dignity of every person;Justice, equity and compassion in human relations;Acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations;A free and responsible search for truth and meaning;The right of conscience and the use of the democratic process within our congregations and in society at large;The goal of world community with peace, liberty and justice for all;Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part.

They don’t hold the Bible – or any other account of human experience – to be either an infallible guide or the exclusive source of truth. They openly admit that much biblical material is mythical or legendary – not that it should be discarded for that reason! Rather, it should be treasured for what it is and should be read as we read other books – with imagination and a critical eye.

Unitarians also respect the sacred literature of other religions, contemporary works of science, art, and social commentary. They believe all religions can coexist if viewed with the concept of love for one’s neighbor and for oneself. Members who do not believe in a particular text or doctrine are encouraged to respect it as a historically significant literary work that should be viewed with an open mind. It is intended that in this way, individuals from all religions or spiritual backgrounds could live peaceably.

I didn’t know all this about them at the time, but I knew they were liberal. I called the Unitarian Church in San Antonio and made an appointment. It was a church, so I got myself ready for rejection – projecting a dialogue in my mind where I’d be asked a question like, “Why should our house of God want to rent space to a bunch of heathens?” I prepared a “defense of atheism” speech.

“Hi, I’m Dave B,” I stammered, “and my group wants to use one of your rooms for an agnostic AA meeting.”

“I’m Mary”, said Mary. She smiled, stuck out her hand and said, “and I’ll be glad to help you make that happen.” This was going better than expected.

I tried to get it for free, but Mary hammered out a hard bargain: a dollar a head per meeting. Then she presented me with a half-page contract. I left shortly thereafter with a signed contract, a room key, and a smile on my face.

* * *

Armed with information from How to Start a Meeting from AA Agnostica, I called and emailed the other four charter members and gave them the time and place.

Our first meeting had several decisions to make:

For a name, one of us five hated “We Agnostics” because he thought that Big Book chapter was so condescending. He also preferred the word “secular”. We settled on the name “Mostly Agnostics” – a kinder, gentler name, stolen from the “Orlando Mostly Agnostic Group of Drunks”. We wanted a name that would readily identify us as not religious but didn’t identify us as overtly hateful.

To avoid having district listing problems, and because some of our group are very loyal to AA official literature, we voted to officially accept the 12 steps without change. Any member, of course, could adjust his/her own program to suit, as per in any AA meeting. Like I said earlier, I know some very dedicated AAs who love the fellowship, who’ve been happily sober for decades, but who’ve never done the steps at all or even had a sponsor.

Although we had one touchy-feely member, we voted not to hold hands, nor to have prayers (a no-brainer), and to say the Responsibility Pledge together to end the meetings. A good option or addition would have been a non-prayer version of the Serenity Prayer, but nobody brought it up. We had a lot to cover.

Finally, we ended up with 13 organizational assignments – among them, arranging district listing and worldwide AA agnostics listing. Fortunately, I had plenty of volunteers, so I only ended up with four of them. I didn’t want this to be “Dave’s meeting” and the others were anxious to take ownership of the new group.

Within a week or so, I contacted the “Orlando Mostly Agnostic Group of Drunks” by an email link on their website to own up to our theft of their name. A contact person emailed back within minutes. Before long, we were talking by phone. Turned out, he wasn’t satisfied with just sharing their name. He was kind enough to also let us plagiarize their website – and helped me do it. We soon had a beautiful website, up and running, thanks to my AA friend in Orlando.

By the fifth month, we were having between 10 and 20 enthusiastic members every Tuesday night, but some of us wanted another night – so we expanded. We now have a Monday night meeting, as well.

I tell this story in order to demonstrate to anyone who is interested just how easy it can be to start an agnostic group in a large city. All I had to do was follow the directions from AA Agnostica, be there, and make sure things ran smoothly – you know – Available, Affable, Affordable. Other members chipped in and started taking over. Most all of the members and visitors, at one time or another, have voiced their appreciation for an AA meeting where they don’t have to get irritated, pretend, or otherwise tolerate a religious atmosphere they don’t believe in. Although parts of some meetings evolve into anti-godly rhetoric, why not? Where else could they vent? This is the proper forum for that and one of our roles. Mostly though, our meetings proceed just like any other meeting.

Whenever we see previously unknown faces – which is almost every meeting – I always ask them how they found out about us. We are in the UU Church bulletin, the district listing, the worldwide listing, and we have a flyer – the first page of our website. About every 2 months, I take new fliers to the meetings and they promptly get distributed to bulletin boards at other meeting sites. Mostly, they stay up. About 75% of our visitors come from our district listing. The other 25% come from various sources, including all the above, but this demonstrates how important the district listing is and how crucial it is to stay on good terms with the powers that be. I understand that can be harder in some locations but will no doubt become easier as agnostic groups become more commonplace in our fellowship.

Good luck in starting your meeting and many thanks to AA Agnostica from the members of Mostly Agnostics AA of San Antonio for the superb assistance they provided in getting us started.

__________

Dave B. is a physician who is pleased and proud to have been sober now for over eighteen months. He achieved nonbeliever status during his senior year at an ultra-religious college. Since then, he claims, “the longer I live, the more it looks like nobody’s watching.” AA, in particular Mostly Agnostics AA of San Antonio, has become a big part of his life (check out www.mostlyagnostics.com). He and his Catholic wife have six kids, all married and productive, for which he is grateful. He takes as much credit for their success as his wife will let him.

AA is often accused of being a Christian cult, but it has a lot more in common with Buddhism than many may realize.

Consider the eight-part program laid down in Buddhism: Right view, right aim, right speech, right action, right living, right effort, right mindedness and right contemplation. The Buddhist philosophy, as exemplified by these eight points, could be literally adopted by AA as a substitute for or addition to the Twelve Steps. Generosity, universal love and welfare of others rather than considerations of self are basic to Buddhism. (From the Akron Pamphlet; “Spiritual Milestones in Alcoholics Anonymous” edited by Dr. Bob, co-founder of AA)

Those who have difficulty with the 12-step views on powerlessness and God will find in Buddhism a recovery process that does not ask for belief, only encourages direct knowing.

There appears to be much in common between Buddhist thought and the 12-step recovery program practiced by members of Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous, and other programs aimed at aiding people who struggle with addiction. I had the opportunity to communicate with a number of Buddhist teachers and writers who addressed the possible positive connection between Buddhism and recovery from addiction.

But first, what is Buddhism?

The easiest way to think of it, if you’re encountering Buddhism and its teachings for the first time, is that Buddhism is all the different traditions, teachings, and practices that have grown up around the teachings of Siddhãrtha Gautama, the historical Buddha, who is thought to have lived and taught in India around 2,500 years ago. Today, there are a huge number of different schools of Buddhist practice and thought, but almost all adhere to certain core teachings. These teachings include certain fundamental views such as the Four Noble Truths, the Three Treasures (the Buddha, or a teacher; the Dharma, or the teachings; and the Sangha, or the community of practitioners) and the Noble Eightfold Path.

The Four Noble Truths, for instance, are as follows: the truth of suffering, the truth of the cause of suffering, the truth of the cessation of suffering, and the path. While this might sound alien or exotic at first, it simply means acknowledging that we all suffer, and that there are reasons for suffering, as well as the possibility of ending suffering through certain methods.

Interestingly, the word “suffering” is a translation of the original Indian word “dukka” which means something closer to “dissatisfaction.” The idea is that when we have pleasure, we get greedy and don’t want it to end, and that when we have pain, we want it to end as quickly as possible. But, in neither case do we have real inner peace.

Additionally, in Buddhism there is a description of a world in the afterlife, populated by beings, so-called “hungry ghosts,” whose appetites exceed their capacity for satisfaction. Their stomachs are huge, but their throats are tiny. No matter how much they attempt to eat, their hunger remains unsatiated. The realm of the hungry ghosts is one of the “six realms of Buddhism,” which at first glance might seem like actual places—there is a “hell realm,” for instance, which could be thought of as a real hell.

Another way of looking at them is as descriptions of certain mental states. The hungry ghosts, or pretas, might be imagined as real beings, but in a larger sense they are simply sentient beings whose hunger defines and dominates their existence; we may call them alcoholics and drug addicts.

Noah Levine is a Buddhist teacher, author and counselor. (Learn more about him at www.dharmapunx.com and www.refugerecovery.org) “The root cause of addiction is the survival instinct we are all born with. We are born into a body that craves pleasure and hates pain. Addictions are a maladaptive manifestation of trying to create pleasure and avoid pain.” said Levine.

“Buddhism’s whole teaching is directly related to recovery. The Buddha started his teaching (First Noble Truth) by asking us to break the denial that we have about the suffering in our lives, an encouragement to turn toward and directly face the facts. He then pointed out (Second Noble Truth) that the main cause of our suffering is craving for and addiction to sense pleasures. This craving can also manifest as aversion to pain and the cycle of escapism that leads to addiction to substances and behaviors,” Levine continues.

“He then taught (Third Noble Truth) that we can fully recover or be liberated from all of the suffering that addiction causes. We do this by renouncing the behaviors that we have become addicted to. In support of renunciation, we also take refuge in our potential to recover (Buddha), a disciplined meditation practice (Dharma) and a community of recovery (Sangha). The path that will lead to a full recovery (Eightfold path) has eight factors: Understanding, Intention, Communication, Action, Livelihood, Effort, Mindfulness and Concentration.”

When I asked Mr. Levine if he believed the practice of Buddhism was complementary to the 12-step model of recovery he responded, “Most will find Buddhism to fit well with their 12-step process. It will depend on one’s concept of a Higher Power. If one believes that there is an all-powerful God that is the creator and controller of the universe, they may have difficulty understanding things like karma. But I think that most 12 steppers will find the universal principles like generosity, forgiveness, compassion and the meditative path of mindfulness as complementary to the steps. More importantly, those who have difficulty with the 12-step views on powerlessness and God, will find in Buddhism a recovery process that does not ask for belief, only encourages direct knowing.”

Byakuren Judith Ragir is the Guiding Teacher at Clouds in Water Zen Center in St. Paul, MN. She shared with me some of her thoughts about the relationship between Buddhism and addiction recovery.

I asked her, “Is there a common root cause of addiction in Buddhism?” Ms. Ragir replied, “Trungpa Rinpoche (an important and controversial teacher of Tibetan Buddhism who pioneered the practice of Tibetan Buddhism in America) said it right. All illusions are on a spectrum of addiction. From the habituated patterns of the way we think about “self” and “reality,” to small patterns that help us escape our problems, to overwhelming addictions; they are all based on the root that we can’t hold our present reality and we want to escape. We could also call it a spectrum of neurosis or compulsions.”

“In Buddhism, we seek to understand the underlying truth about life, a person, a life span and karma, which can start to unravel our tight grasp on who we are and what are problems are. ‘Relieve me of the bondage of self,’ our literature says. Meditation practice teaches us how to increase our capacity to stay with our negative emotions without acting out or repressing. This is incredibly important for addicts, otherwise we hit a feeling/emotion we don’t like and we escape through our addiction. It’s part of growing up. Life has suffering in it, the First Noble Truth. Can we be present to our life as it is? Can we plant seeds of goodness in our current conditions, one day at a time, that will manifest positively in the future? Changing my relationship to suffering, which is a basic teaching in Buddhism, has radically changed my life. Buddhist practice and 12-step recovery are very complementary. They each deepen the other. Their strengths lie in different areas.”

Kevin Griffin is a Buddhist teacher and author of numerous books including A Breath at a Time – Buddhism and the Twelve Steps as well as a leader in the mindful recovery movement.

“Mindfulness and meditation practices help people in recovery be a little bit more peaceful, to feel a bit more calm, to relieve stress,” said Griffin.

In describing “mindfulness,” Mr. Griffin remarked, “In mindfulness practice, we explore our habitual thought patterns. This can help the addict see the ways they are undermining themselves with thoughts, with obsessive thoughts, with reactive thought patterns.” Mr. Griffin continued.

“A bit of negative thought or self-hatred is going to be another trigger for relapse. So, we can see that in mindfulness practice we can respond in a more intentional, conscious way to those habitual negative patterns and really question them. The bumper sticker, ‘Don’t Believe Everything You Think’ comes to mind. This describes, in a way, the cognitive-behavioral practice of challenging thoughts.”

Mr. Griffin expressed the belief that “they (Buddhism and 12-step programs) share an understanding that craving is the cause of suffering.”

Finally, Mr. Griffin remarked, “Most of my work and my writing is seeing the parallels between 12-step work and Buddhist teachings.”

Darren Littlejohn has studied Buddhism for over 30 years and is the author of The 12-Step Buddhist.

Mr. Littlejohn has written extensively on the complementary relationship between Buddhism and the 12-step program and remarked, “Attachment gone wild is addiction.”

In The 12-Step Buddhist Mr. Littlejohn writes: “I believe that Buddhism contains immeasurably powerful methods for everyone, especially addicts. If these methods are understood and practiced in the context of a recovery program, they will help you understand and realize your spiritual nature, which is the true mission of the 12 steps. As the Alcoholics Anonymous literature states, ‘our job is to grow in understanding and effectiveness.’“

“The roads to recovery are many… AA has no monopoly on reviving alcoholics.” – AA Co-Founder, Bill W., September 1944

I had my last drink on February 28, 1984. Within my first year I became aware that, for lack of a better term, I was a nonbeliever. At the time it seemed that in order to be a “real” member of AA I was ultimately going to have to come to believe in a Judeo-Christian God. At the time I became aware of my nonbeliever status I trusted it, but I stayed open to becoming religious. Truth be told, I am still open to it, but it’s been 30 years so while I’m open to it I’m pretty sure it isn’t going to happen.

I didn’t struggle with my lack of belief. My sponsor for the first nineteen years of my sobriety was Dr. Earle M., author of “Physician Heal Thyself” in our big book. I was self employed and he was retired so over those years we spent hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of hours together. His message to me was that I was perfect the way I was and that there are as many programs of AA as there are members of AA, so whatever I believed or didn’t believe was totally acceptable and as I like to say, more than anything else, he allowed me to find my own way. He passed away on January 13, 2003. In a very real way he is still my sponsor and I am virtually certain I will never have another.

I heard about Toronto in bits and pieces at first and was appalled. I subscribed to AA Agnostica and in one post I got a link and sent an email and the next thing I know I’m talking with the people that were putting on the WAAFT convention. My friend Russ H., who contributes here beautifully and succinctly did the same and shortly thereafter he told me he was going to start a We Agnostics Meeting.

We were both extremely enthusiastic. Over the years I had always been fairly vocal about my lack of belief. The thing was that I was always looking for a way to voice my thoughts without offending the believers. While that sounds like a nice thing, and I got pretty good at it, in a very real way I had a sense it was something less than genuine. With Toronto, the upcoming convention, the vast numbers of people I had spoken with over the years about lack of belief I made a conscious decision to find a “bigger” voice when it came to talking about this issue.

I have lived in the same county where our “central office” is located for the entirety of my sobriety and I have been active all that time, so I know a lot of people and I am known. I have never been an intergroup or general service “type.” I have never had the mind set, dedication or patience to do those AA chores. I had done them, simply because I felt I at least needed to give it a shot, but they are not my cup of tea.

Russ H. got the ball rolling as our Intergroup requires that a proposed new meeting fill out a form which is to be submitted to the office manager “special worker” at the physical location of our central office. The form is fairly innocuous, he filled it out and the special worker refused to list the meeting.

Here is where the craziness really started. Our Intergroup has bylaws and an operating manual. I am a lawyer by trade so I started looking at those documents to try and figure out what was happening (I had been involved in a similar skirmish years before when Intergroup attempted to delist a meeting that a friend of mine had begun so I knew a little bit about the process).

As I looked at the documents it appeared that there were significant conflicts between the two documents and that the bylaws should prevail as those were the way in which the Intergroup came into existence.

Further, the way the procedure was set up, once the special worker refused to list the meeting then the Intergroup Operating Committee would review the materials and if they then refused to list the meeting, then the meeting was required to make a presentation to Intergroup at large and after a two-month discussion/waiting period, a vote would be taken and in order to list the meeting we needed a 2/3 yea vote to get listed. This seemed daunting and impossible. To generalize maybe unfairly, my experience was that people who get involved in Intergroup / General Service are generally conservative and the likelihood of getting a 2/3 vote seemed unattainable.

After the special worker refused to list the meeting, the question of listing the meeting went to the Intergroup Operating Committee and they too declined to list the meeting so we were now faced with a difficult road which we didn’t think we could successfully travel.

Russ and I believed that we had to try to change the procedure to have any chance. We first approached the Intergroup Operating Committee and we asked to be allowed to make a presentation to that Committee (they meet privately and secretly which is a whole other issue). They agreed and one evening, armed with handouts and their own documents I pointed out many ways in which the bylaws were inconsistent with the operating manual and I suggested that a committee be formed to study this issue and report to the operating committee and Intergroup at large to make proposed changes. I told them that I felt the most egregious situation was the absolute power of one person, the special worker, to decide if a meeting is or is not listed. I further requested to be on that committee. I was then thanked and told I could leave.

They formed a committee, did not ask me to be on it and in executive session they took the power of the special worker to make the decision to list the meeting away from him/her and placed the same power with the Intergroup Operating Committee… the one that meets privately and secretly. That change was announced at the next meeting of Intergroup. A motion was made by Russ H. that if the IOC decided not to list a meeting that a reason had to be given to the meeting itself and Intergroup at large. While a vote was taken on that motion, it is still in limbo as we are having some difficulty in determining what is a 2/3 vote if there are abstentions (Remember, I am not making any of this stuff up).

We were out of options. The only chance we had was to make a presentation to Intergroup as a whole, the intergroup representatives then would take the issue back to their groups, the groups would discuss it for two months and we would then have a vote of the intergroup representatives.

Russ and I discussed this and we decided that I would be the one to make the presentation so I got started on a draft. I felt it was important to read from a prepared text so I would know what I had said. Russ and I worked on the text and ultimately we had what we felt was our best shot. I brought enough copies with me to give at least one to every intergroup representative in attendance (about 50-65 as I recall). I didn’t want them to tell their groups something that I said that I hadn’t said. It was a 15 minute presentation filled with quotes from our literature, quotes from Bill W., quotes from other AA luminaries. We felt it logically and forcefully made the case that AA not only allows things like this to happen, it encourages them. This is supposed to be a big tent, not a small one, that we are inclusive, not exclusive.

After the presentation [you can read it here: Presentation to Intergroup] there were questions and on that night, every question came from someone who was clearly opposed to the existence of our meeting. Our intergroup meets on the fourth Tuesday of every month (except December) and our presentation was made at the end of October. We had another meeting at the end of November and this issue was discussed again. At the November meeting it was totally different. Many people spoke in support of the meeting and the idea of the meeting. After the meeting people came up to both Russ and me and apologized for putting us through this wringer. It was a love fest but nonetheless I still didn’t think there was much of a chance.

It was at this point that something happened. A large number of involved AA people got behind us. These were not fellow travelers, they were people who believed in big G God, that prayed and meditated. They were normal AA people who understood that AA is the AA that many of us know. The AA that doesn’t restrict beliefs, the AA that tells each and every newcomer that we have been waiting for them to arrive and that we are ecstatic now that they are here, the AA that means it when it says the only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking.

We heard rumors, both good and bad, of what was happening in the trenches. We thought we were going to “win”. We thought we were going to “lose”. By this time though I’m pretty sure that both Russ and I had decided we had, had enough. That win or lose this fight was over, that we didn’t have any energy to go further as it had been so long in coming. By the night of the vote our meeting had been in existence 18 months (and flourishing, by the way).

On January 27, 2015, the vote was taken. Preliminarily the mechanics of the vote was discussed, the voting eligible members had been tallied and it was determined that we needed 47 votes to get our 2/3 majority. The “yeas” were asked to stand and we then counted down. By the time we were done counting there had been 54 yea votes cast. Russ and I were both stunned. The final count was 54 yeas, 12 nays and 2 abstentions. On the next published meeting schedule for Contra Costa County of California (east San Francisco Bay) our meeting will be listed.

The post script on this for me is a complete change of perception. When I started out I felt this was us against them. The “us” was the liberal, inclusive, non believing, third tradition “correct” minority members of AA. The “them” was the conservative, restrictive, God believing purist majority of AA. What I am now convinced of is that while there is a “them” it is not a majority, but it is loud. I am hopeful that most AA members want to give us our space and our due. Whether that is because of apathy or sincere belief doesn’t matter I don’t think. The Live and Let Live slogan is alive and well and we are finding our voice more and more as time goes by.

We are unstoppable.

───────

Dave S. is a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous who attended 1,000 meetings in his first two years of sobriety and presently regularly attends six meetings per week. He describes his involvement in Alcoholics Anonymous as the greatest passion of his life. He came to terms with his status as a non-believer when he was about six months sober and that was more than thirty years ago. He has always been vocal about his non-believer status in and out of AA meetings. He met his sponsor when he was 35 days sober and describes him as the greatest human being he ever met. They spent hundreds and hundreds of hours together over a 19 year period until his sponsor died on January 13, 2003.

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http://aaagnostica.org/2015/03/08/we-are-unstoppable/feed/31The Steps Cafeteria-Stylehttp://aaagnostica.org/2015/03/04/the-steps-cafeteria-style/
http://aaagnostica.org/2015/03/04/the-steps-cafeteria-style/#commentsWed, 04 Mar 2015 14:58:14 +0000http://aaagnostica.org/?p=8565Continue reading →]]>“The 12 Steps are so formed and presented that an alcoholic can either ignore them completely, take them cafeteria-style, or embrace them wholeheartedly.”
(from the Conference-approved pamphlet, A Member’s Eye View of Alcoholics Anonymous)

When I was editor of ‘Share’, Britain’s AA magazine, I commissioned this article by Anthony K., an atheist member who attended the same meetings as me. It appeared in the June 2006 issue and was reprinted in ‘Share and Share Alike’, the book which I also edited to mark the fellowship’s 60th anniversary in Britain in 2007.
Laurie A.

By Anthony K. Essex, United Kingdom

It is routinely suggested in AA that recovery is dependent on developing a working faith in a higher power. I have not found that to be the case and would like to record the experience I have gained in sobriety. I began this period of sobriety, my second in AA, in January 1999. I was convinced of my alcoholism and willing to do what was necessary to recover. From my first time around I had a rough idea that that would involve finding a way to live sober through the 12 Steps.

I spent a short period going to meetings and looking around for people who had what I wanted. I found them, and soon after I took part in a Big Book study and went through the Steps. The major downside of this approach to recovery is that the reverence it can inspire for the text sometimes leads to fundamentalism and intolerance, but its upside is better quality of life for many of those who complete it, and that is what I got.

Whilst I had been an atheist for as long as I could remember, I was willing to believe. The importance of this was impressed on me strongly by people I liked and respected. Motivated by sincere convictions formed by their experience I picked up a daily practice of Step Eleven and made a sincere effort to acquire faith, but it did not come. Quietly, and quite soon afterwards, I stopped seeking and reverted to my former position of non-belief.

I had a period of keeping my own counsel, feeling that there was still pressure on me to conform in regard to spiritual matters and wanting to be sure before speaking up in AA. After a while I decided to be clearer and more open within the Fellowship about my views and experience, partly out of a wish to be myself, but mostly because of the following reason. I’m still in AA – mainly to help the suffering alcoholic – and especially anyone who is led to believe that they will drink and die if they don’t adopt a set of beliefs and practices that they cannot accept.

I have been met with acceptance and/or concern from some members and a mixture of surprise and enthusiasm from others, particularly among the newer ones. I have been patronised, too, though there has been no outright hostility. The most common response has been to let me get on with it and I think that’s a good sign that we probably aren’t a religious organisation.

Instead of trying to rewrite the Steps to reflect my beliefs, as many atheists and agnostics seem to try to do, I have come to some pretty simple conclusions – among them the fact that Steps Two, Three, Six, Seven and Eleven can’t be part of my life. I am quite happy with that.

I know I am powerless over every drink but the first one, so I stick to the decision to remain totally abstinent that I made after my last drink. My life had obviously become unmanageable, so I manage it differently, rather than placing it under ‘new management’, as Step Three would have me do, according to the Big Book. I am not, and never have been insane and I do not believe in a ‘power greater than myself’ as it is meant in AA. Taking inventory, discussing it with someone else and making amends are the tools I have used to manage better and the state of my life and the ease of staying sober suggest that it is working.

I live a very normal life these days, being happily married, professionally successful and socially active, and I don’t believe I’m really any different from the non-alcoholics with whom I spend most of my time, except that they can drink. Being married to a social drinker and moving in wider circles than when I was drinking has helped me to see the similarities.

I don’t subscribe to notions in sobriety of ‘typical alcoholic behaviour’, or of the stereotypical alcoholic who is unable to think straight. I think these concepts are open to a great deal of abuse and often seem to diminish the self-esteem of those who buy into them. Powerless, when applied to matters other than alcohol, will come to mean useless or hopeless for some people and since low self –esteem appears to be a common trait in many alcoholics, this can cause serious problems, rather than being part of any solution.

I prefer an approach that allows the individual to build that esteem by giving her/himself credit for any success they might have. People of faith will doubtless say that their belief in a God who loves them helps them feel good about themselves, and I would not argue with that. I have no wish to convert anyone to my beliefs or to equate faith with self-abasement.

When I sponsor people now we go through as much of the Big Book as is consistent with their beliefs. The results have been the same with atheists, agnostics and believers. They have retained their earlier belief, stayed sober and become happier in their sobriety.

I don’t know whether ‘faith without works is dead’ or not, but to my delight and relief, I have found that works without faith can be very much alive.

One of the more difficult challenges facing a non-believing member of Alcoholics Anonymous is in how to approach the fact of one’s non-belief in a conventional AA meeting.

In this article I am addressing myself primarily to self-identified Atheists as a lifelong “militant” member of that widely reviled sub-group both within and outside the Fellowship. Some so called “Agnostics” (I can never quite figure that one out in terms of knowing one’s own mind) or even “Buddhists”, “Unitarians” or “Secular Humanists” (whatever that means) may find some useful information in this piece but my primary concern here is with the Atheist.

My own journey in this context began on January 3, 1987 which is my sobriety date. Like many who first enter the rooms of AA, I was truly desperate and at the “end of my rope” having reached the final stages of 23 years of drinking with few emotional resources remaining and on the verge of suicide.

A still mysterious impulse toward self-preservation propelled me to seek out my first meeting in downtown Washington and I was very lucky to encounter a few old friends and acquaintances who had made it to the “rooms” before me. The universal opinion seemed to be something like, “What took you such a long time to get here?” and from the very first it was obvious that on the most fundamental level I was “in the right place”. I was fortunate in immediately realizing that it was necessary for me to make an iron clad decision about my drinking (First Step/Stop) based on my total loss of control at the end of my active alcoholic adventures. Additionally, I saw that AA was a daily program (One Day at a Time) and that I need to show up (Regular Meetings) and share. It also quickly became obvious that helping another alcoholic was a cornerstone of what AA was all about.

These simple structures were easy to understand for the shaky newcomer I was in those days and the tenor of my first few meetings was so liberal due to the downtown DC demographics that I never got the impression that AA was a “cult” or otherwise affiliated with the religious institutions in which most meetings seemed to take place.

It wasn’t long after the fog began to lift that my first “pink cloud” descended and an overwhelming relief that I wasn’t dead was combined with a sense of profound gratitude toward AA. I actually thought something very much like “These people are so good. How could they ever be wrong?”

Imagine my shock when I began to understand what comments like “Don’t worry you’ll get it”, “Fake it till you make it”, “Everything is the way it’s supposed to be”, and the all-purpose, “I prayed about it” actually meant. I went regularly to a meeting on Sundays where “How it Works” was read before every meeting and finally, in depth, listened to the words as well as the ritual unanimous (except for me) chanting of the last line, “That God could and would if He were sought”. Fortunately for me I sometimes was able to deal with this by re-titling this passage in my mind as “Not Necessarily How it Works”.

What an order! I just could not go through with it. Ridiculous, condescending, foolish, ignorant of all fact and evidence to the contrary. I was in despair. The pink cloud evaporated.

Eighteen months in I was truly on my way out the doors of AA and I am in the eternal debt of my dear late friends Maxine B. and Tom J. who founded our DC “We Agnostics” group in September of 1988. I was at the very first meeting of the group and have been in attendance (except for periods overseas) ever since. It saved me from “How it Works”, the “Chapter to the Agnostic” and, most of all, (except for Step One, Step Ten, and 50% of Step Twelve) the fundamentalist Oxford Group pabulum of the rest of the “Holy Twelve”.

A matter of great debate at the inception of our DC group involved the inclusion of the word “Atheist” in the group name. At that time it was the group conscience that the word “Atheist” was a lightning rod of controversy that we needed to avoid. I believe that the time for such caution is now at an end.

Unlike some in Atheist/Agnostic AA I have always found it useful to stay connected with my conventional noon meeting in DC where I have a 28+ year history and have developed close friendships over the years. I’ve also had (to one degree or another) the privilege of working with a number of my fellow alcoholics there.

Early on, after the founding of the DC Sunday We Agnostics group, I made a decision to become vocal regarding my atheism when appropriate at my conventional noon meeting. By vocal I mean that whenever I hear something that sounds at all definitive or dispositive regarding prayer and meditation, vague notions of “spiritual experiences”, the third and eleventh step or, worst of all, the egregious story in the Big Book regarding acceptance known as “Doctor, Alcoholic, Addict” where “Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God’s world by mistake”. I raise my hand, identify myself as an atheist with long term sobriety and point out (calmly mostly but sometimes not when thinking about the passage above) variations of the following:

That there are a number of AA members (though a distinct minority) who don’t have any concept of a conventional god or “higher power”, don’t resort to prayer and still happily maintain productive and sober lives.

That there is no single way to “get” the “program”.

That the only requirement for membership is the desire to stop drinking.

That the steps and “Big Book” are filled with suggestions only and the only thing I have personally encountered that seems irreducible and essential is doing something very much like step one in order to gain access to a decision about your drinking.

That AA is not the sex police, moral arbiter, central repository of any of the virtues or the evaluator of others behavior that some of our more devout brethren seem to imply it might be when talking about their holy steps and the revealed wisdom from the so called “Big Book”.

I love AA as anyone might who believes, as I do, that the DC groups saved my life, but am totally at odds with the adherence to lists of twelve step rules hanging on the wall and the obsession with “defects of character” that bedevil so many new (and even older) members and are used as a wedge by hard core believers to extract some sort of (mostly gentle) compliance with a “party line”. I just won’t have it and tell them so.

The underlying reason for this activity is not for ego gratification (though I possess a Wilson size ego) or to just hear the beautiful sound of my own voice. I have found, on many occasions, people who approach me after a meeting and tell me how much I helped them with my comments, that they feel the same way but couldn’t, for some reason, express it for themselves.

There are many new members who feel “lost” in the rooms of AA because they think they are being asked to subscribe to ideas and states of mind that just aren’t compatible with theirs. I always assure them that this is not the case and that there is a place for them in AA no matter what. I tell them, in essence, that it’s OK to disagree.

I also tell them that AA is what it is and that we are unlikely to change the underlying tenets of the program in any kind of fundamental way. I have a strong personal belief that the Fellowship at large will NEVER change either the Big Book or Twelve Steps to my liking. It’s up to me to adapt and function within this context and always call the reality of the situation the way I see it.

After all most of us are in America where (according to the latest Pew Research poll) atheists make up only 1.6% of the population, agnostics come in at 2.4% and “nothing in particular” is at 12.1%. The rest claim some sort of religious affiliation.

In a 2006 University of Minnesota Study reported on by the American Sociological Association, researchers found that despite an increasing acceptance of religious diversity, atheists were generally distrusted by other Americans, who trusted them less than Muslims, recent immigrants and other minority groups in “sharing their vision of American society”. (Atheists Identified as America’s Most Distrusted Minority) They also associated atheists with undesirable attributes such as criminal behavior, rampant materialism, and cultural elitism.

In an environment such as this an atheist in AA is a minority within a minority who needs to learn a lesson from other movements and ongoing struggles such as the Civil Rights and Antiwar movements of the 60s, the Women’s Movement of the 70s and the Gay Rights struggles that arose from the Aids Epidemic of the 80s and 90s.

We need to say what we mean, mean what we say and stand up and be counted for our own preservation while remaining respectful and productive members of a lifesaving fellowship who’s real first principles, (don’t drink, go to meetings, help another alcoholic, love, service) really ARE above reproach.

However, I don’t go to the weekly step meeting of my conventional home group each Wednesday in that it would turn into an unproductive exercise for everyone concerned. I never look for a fight in AA unless the struggle comes to me which indeed it does when I encounter members who seem to imply that there is really only one “spiritual” program and that all variations inevitably lead to drunkenness and death. God being somehow linked with the “lash of alcohol.” Pure fantasy.

At the end of conventional meetings I sometimes hear the refrain of (before the serenity prayer) “Who brought us here today?” The answer is supposed to be “God”.

I feel a responsibility to my fellow atheists and other non-believers to clearly say (with a raised voice if necessary) that the answer definitely does not need to be God.

AA is too fine a Fellowship to be abandoned. I have developed rich friendships with AA people I disagree with about virtually everything but those first principles of love and service. I would never have had these opportunities if I had not stood up. I’m positive that I would have felt defeated and left AA despite the great risk that would involve. In short, AA is worth the struggle and I won’t live in fear.

Instead of ostracism and separation I have found over the years a great deal of (sometimes grudging but mostly genuine) respect while having been of some service to people who may have otherwise been driven away by some of the tenets of the program.

In some AA circles in DC I am referred to as “Godless John”. This is done mostly with good humor and even some affection on occasion. The bottom line here is that I would far rather be known as “Godless John” than “Idiot John”!

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John H is one of the founding members of the We Agnostics group in Washington, DC that has been meeting continuously for over 26 years. You can read a brief history of the group here: Washington DC We Agnostics Group History. As a sales and government relations consultant, John has travelled to over 80 countries in his sobriety and has never found it necessary to drink in any of them including Russia where he lived and worked for over four years. He is first named inventor on three US Patents in his field and when not engaged in revenue producing pursuits is in the process of re-kindling a long dormant writing career which he considers yet another benefit of his many years of AA membership. The wAAft convention in Santa Monica in November of last year awakened a desire in John to more vigorously try to give something back to the Fellowship and this article is a small step in that direction. He and his wife now live full time in Bethesda, MD.

The second step of AA reads as follows: “Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity”.

Perhaps a sensible approach would be to break down the statement into its component molecules and to define key words in the understanding that this step is meant to guide the suffering alcoholic to a path that leads inexorably toward recovering from a hopeless state of mind and body brought on by chronic alcoholism.

The first few words of this statement, “came to believe”, implies to me that this is not an event but rather a journey, a part of a process. It does not state that one must immediately have an epiphany that provides an instantaneous and miraculous “conversion” but rather involves a gradual expedition, an evolution of one’s core belief system which enables alcoholics to solve their drink problem, and to transform their lives for the better.

Secondly, the necessity of “a power greater than ourselves” is of great importance, something which many an alcoholic of the hopeless variety (such as myself) will understand all too well.

Over the years I have heard many times that “will power” is inadequate to provide the necessary leverage for the cessation of the uncontrollable consumption of alcohol. A personal favorite that I have heard and even utilize in my own repartees is the use of will power in the midst of an uncontrollable fit of diarrhea.

The concept of “a power greater than ourselves” is often understood as a supernatural, hyper-intelligent pan-dimensional being often referred to as some sort of a god. In our 21st century western culture this implies the existence of the trinity of YHWH (Yahweh), Yesu han-nostri (Jesus the Nazarene) and the Holy Spirit/Ghost as being a single entity. How this is not polytheism, especially coupled with all the angels and saints, confounds me. But people are entitled to their beliefs and I would even encourage this if it assists the individual in recovering from the hopeless state of mind and body that is alcoholism as long as they are peaceful about it and do not condemn every other faith – or lack of faith – to an eternity of torturous existence in hell. In fact, there are times when I envy people of faith such as my father, but it would seem that such blind faith is something I am incapable of.

As Richard Dawkins quite poignantly put it in the opening remark of chapter 2 in his book The God Delusion:

The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all fiction; jealous and proud of it; a petty, unjust, unforgiving control-freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomaniacal, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully.

Professor Dawkins actually intended to open this chapter with a bit of wit and humor, but the multitudes of believers in the mythology contained in the Old Testament did not find this statement very humorous at all. That being said, I have studied the mythological literature of the Arabian Peninsula region of the early centuries of antiquity in depth for roundabout a decade, and after close study of the literature known in our modern society as the “Old Testament”, I find Professor Dawkins to be completely correct in his analysis.

That being said, the Jesus figure, whether he actually existed or not (there is compelling evidence on both sides of the debate), miracles aside (such as a virgin birth), was given credit for important comments concerning morality and how we should live our lives and treat our fellow homo-sapiens. The relationship I have developed with this historical Jesus figure and his moral teachings (which closely resemble the moral teachings of the Buddha) have had a great impact on my life.

Obviously, when it comes to the god of the Bible (YHWH) I am not only an outspoken atheist, but I am proud to be one. As many atheists, when I came out of the closet it did irreparable damage between me and many of my family members as well as with my other relationships, both personal and professionally.

As a person with an inquisitive mind who subscribes to the steadfast truths birthed out of the scientific method, I cannot possibly be one hundred percent atheist; I mean who really knows for certain? I believe that it is highly improbable that there is a creator god, especially one who bothers to interact with our tiny little species (likely soon to be extinct) on a miniscule piece of rock hurling through the vastness of our galaxy which itself compared to the vastness of the entire cosmos, is but a single drop of water in comparison with the oceans on this planet.

And to anthropomorphize this god as a “He” is inexcusably egocentric and misogynistic. The entire concept of a being who created the universe leaves me astonished. Not only do people believe they know the one true path, but they have historically murdered one another over such differences in this belief on a scale that would make Hitler envious. Stalin said that the death of a man is a tragedy, but the death of a million is merely a statistic. So the “statistics” of those murdered in the name of religions of all types throughout history is prodigiously in the starring role of such sadness.

I have gone into some detail as to why I do not subscribe to the god YHWH any more than I do unicorns, fairies or leprechauns in an enchanted forest. But I do respect that if belief in such notions as supernatural beings helps a person toward a better path, then I am all for it regardless of which god(s) they choose to pledge allegiance to and blindly worship.

My higher power is the literature (a lot, but not all) in AA; the program that has developed as a result of the pioneers that assisted in the creation of this solution for alcoholism, a program which has helped millions; and especially the people, those that would not ordinarily mix, who come together usually in love and solidarity that we may solve our common problem.

Finally, as for the last part of the step, the “restoration to sanity”, I haven’t the slightest clue what sanity means exactly. A simple definition comes from Merriam-Webster which I can relate to:

Sanity (from Latin: sānitās): the condition of having a healthy mind: the condition of being sane: the condition of being based on reason or good judgment.

Although my “reason or good judgment” is not on par with the most responsible and together persons I have ever met in my life, my parents, I can relate to it this way and especially in the exemplary example they set for me.

I have been down the path of many alcoholics of the hopeless variety, living on the streets, sleeping in homeless shelters when I was lucky enough to get a bed, standing in lines at soup kitchens to get a meal, plenty of time in jails and prisons, and drinking/drugging myself nearly to death. Worse yet, a severely underweight and malnourished shell of a sick person, when I would get my hands on a few dollars it went to buy alcohol or drugs rather than a hot meal.

That is total and complete insanity.

Right now as I type this essay, I do not have a swanky nice home, but a decent 5th wheel trailer in a quiet neighborhood (a far cry better than a park bench). All my bills for the month are paid; I have enough food to get me through the month and can even afford food for my dog and enough gas to get me through the next few weeks (I hope). And even though this month’s bills have cost me nearly every penny I have, I am learning to do something I have not ever been able to do in my entire life’s history while staring at the bottom of a bottle – and that is to live on a budget and within my means.

There is still, I believe, quite a bit of effort and guidance for me to follow in order to improve my situation further – so I do not know if I am becoming sane but even though I cannot afford to go out to a movie or a steak dinner, I have a bed to sleep in, a pot to piss in with a shower right next to it, a small living room with a TV (no cable or even local channels), and a couple of computers with high speed internet where I get my entertainment, a small kitchen with a fridge and freezer with a little food in it, and even a telephone.

And without what I refer to as my “higher power”, none of this would be possible. It has been work on my part, but mostly a gift given to me by the grace of the love of the support groups I have, people of differing belief systems, blue and white collar workers – without a doubt groups of rouges who most definitely would not mix in their old lives but it is through the love and solidarity of these beautiful motley groups of wonderful people who come together that I have been given the gifts I so enjoy at this stage in my life. And even the times, the many times I have relapsed in the past three decades, I keep coming back to open arms.

Those people have helped me to rid myself of shame and, as time goes by, when I stand in front of a mirror I find myself slowly becoming less disgusted with the person I see staring back at me. Perhaps I remain ninety percent disgusted with the image staring back, but the eradication of the ten percent is a testament to the remarkable power of love and kindness that can often be found in those circles of hope that draws me as a moth to a flame, not to burn in the fiery pit of alcoholism, but so that I may have a chance to live, to become a better person and to loathe myself a little less at periodic intervals.

In closing, I can honestly state that “I have come to believe in a power greater than myself that can restore me to sanity”. Even though I am still not certain what sanity is, it is this power that is greater than myself that leaves me with a passionately grateful sense of appreciation that I am not living the life I experienced in the past and I can be hopeful that I will never have to return to the demoralizing existence and the self-loathing person I was in the past. To sum up, most simply put: the higher power for me is the program and the groups as well as the service work I am able to take part in from time to time in the facet of 12 step calls, chairing meetings, giving other alcoholics a lift to a meeting or sharing in our fellowship afterward.

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Mykel is an alcoholic who has had the compulsion to consume alcohol virtually taken from him. There were many years of relapse back and forth, treatment centers galore, prison, and he has even died, and been resuscitated, in hospitals. There was one occasion when he was in a coma and his fundamentalist young earth creationist family members (three of whom are Pastors) were told to make funeral arrangements.

Mykel could not fake his way into believing in any sort of anthropomorphic type of a god pulling our human strings, and that belief drove him away from AA many times. As an atheist through and through, the secular 12 steps he discovered on AA Agnostica assisted him greatly in finding a way to navigate the program simply by a change of semantics, and that is now working for him wonderfully. His past professional life included doing television production work and he was also a skydiving instructor for many years; he has over 4,000 skydives. Even though he has retired from that vocation, Mykel hopes sobriety will ultimately get him back into the air for some fun one day. At a time.