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Help! My friend's husband is a cheater

Anonymous

Nov 7, 2012

Q: My best friend’s husband has been cheating on her for the past six years. Every time he and the other woman see each other, my friend and the other woman end up arguing or fighting one another instead of confronting him. To make matters worse he still has yet another woman on the side. I just don’t get it, why do they let him run around? How can I convince my best friend to let this dog go and take him for every penny he has? She deserves so much better.

A: I do understand your frustration and I agree with you. There is nothing like witnessing your best friend not only hurt, but also be made a fool of over and over again. I wish I could conjure up some magic words for you to tell her that would make her wake up and realize her husband is a bottom-feeding troll who is never going to change his ways. It would almost appear she views this a competition that she has to win. However, the other women aren’t going to go anywhere, not simply because of anything your friend has to say. This is a game to them and so far, they are winning. And the husband, well, people will only treat you the way you allow them to. If he is facing no consequence from his actions, why would he change anything he is doing?

If it’s not enough to let her know she looks like a feeble patsy with no spine and no pride or self respect, maybe she needs to think about what would happen if her husband, whom she is fighting so hard for, were to bring her a certain little gift home. I don’t think I need to elaborate. She needs to stop feeding into the drama, leave while and if she still has a sense of self, and begin to rebuild her life on his dime. Ivana Trump once said, “Don’t get mad, get everything!”

Q: Ok, I have always wanted to ask a lot of people this: Does your significant other change how they act when you are on your menstrual cycle? How do they change, good or bad? I wish he would understand that it’s not just me whose attitude changes at this time. He gets crankier than me and always craves chocolate. I just wish that I could just stop mid-fight and make up with him; even if all I want is for him to say is that he is sorry. He always comes up with a way to start the make up process even if I’m still mad about whatever he did or said or didn’t say. But I always remember how hurt I felt when it happened and then bam! I’m right back at the start of fight. I just can’t figure out how to control it, or better yet avoid it. I think I’m going to make a poster of rules for our fighting. But I have to talk to him about it first to see if he wants to do it to help with our fighting. We are both bad about following the other around when the other just needs space.

A: The man craves chocolate? That’s one for the books! I’ve actually read several articles about studies that have been done. Some claim men suffer from IMS, which has similar symptoms of what a woman experiences during PMS. Regardless of what people want to believe, a man’s attitude most definitely changes during this time. Whether it’s due to their own hormonal changes or simply due to the woman’s attitude. I find the best way to deal with his attitude, is to take notice of your own and change it for the better. It’s not hard to turn a negative into a positive. Be creative.

You also have to learn to just walk away and renew and when he needs his space, let him have it. Men have intimate thoughts as well about certain issues; they just need time to sort things out without us humming in their ears. When you can change your own attitude about things, it will get better. It's a powerful thing and it takes practice. Women always feel the need for a man to actually say he's sorry. Sometimes, many times, we are not going to get. Is it really necessary to move on from the argument? And other times, we do get it but we are just so dead set on hearing the words, "I'm sorry," we actually miss the fact that he is trying to apologize in his own way.

You do need to talk about it. It can be hard in the heat of an argument. But it's like anything else, the more you do it, the easier it gets. Set some boundaries, you will both get better at it in time and it will be so worth it. Remember, the problem is not the problem: The problem is your attitude about the problem.

Advice columnist Eda M. Handly left her job in the legal industry to start a life-coaching and relationship-advice business based in Sandusky.

Comments

MiddleRight

Wed, 11/07/2012 - 3:57pm

RE: Help! My friend's husband is a cheater.

This is the same mentality that propelled 60% of women to vote for Obama. I'd rather stick with the loser I am familiar with, then try to find something better.

Unassumer

Thu, 11/08/2012 - 7:55am

THAN try to find something better

Kimo

Wed, 11/07/2012 - 6:16pm

The husband is a republican????

:-)

Good 2 B Me

Wed, 11/07/2012 - 6:27pm

HA!! High 5!

KURTje

Wed, 11/07/2012 - 6:40pm

Eda...please seek help with a do-over. the mirror

ladydye_5

Wed, 11/07/2012 - 8:30pm

If the wife KNOWS he is cheating and stays, it is her problem and noone elses. If she don't care enough to do anything or leave, why should anyone help her? At this point (at least 6 years) he know she is not going to do anything, so why should he change or quit?

Unassumer

Thu, 11/08/2012 - 7:54am

Middle Right: you should change your moniker to Middle Ages

JERRY from SANDUSKY

Thu, 11/08/2012 - 9:21am

ANOTHER WOMAN SCORNING... HUSBAND GOES OUT GETS WHAT HE DOESNT GET AT HOME..THATS THE NEW WAY...PUT IT AWAY THE MAN GOES OUT AND PLAY....WHATS NOT FARE ABOUT THAT..THE WORD NO IS UNEXCEPTABLE...NO MORE PUTTING UP WITH SCORNS..LOL

SamAdams

Thu, 11/08/2012 - 10:02am

Re: the woman with the cheating husband, there's only so much a friend can do. She KNOWS her husband is cheating and chooses to stay. You can think she's as stupid as you like, but you can't force her to get a clue! Many years ago, I had a girlfriend with a husband who shoved her around (broke a couple of ribs once, so "shoving around" is more serious than it sounds). I took care of her young daughter so she could pack up her things and move out. I helped her get set up in a new place. And then? Then she went BACK to him, and cut off our friendship because (she said), she didn't want "reminders" of the "bad times." Nothing else I could do. Nothing else YOU can do, either.

Re: the PMS, I'm a woman. I KNOW what PMS is and how it feels. And yes, while guys can deal with hormonal issues, too, the primary problem with a man's reaction to PMS is YOUR problem, not his. Oh, I get the bad attitude and the short temper. But stop trying to "fix" the man. This one's on YOU! (The best "fix" for the man, by the way, is for him to leave the area 'til you're rational again...)

savantpm

Thu, 11/08/2012 - 11:30am

Some men prefer vapid Barbie Dolls, as kURTje seems to.

nonconformist

Thu, 11/08/2012 - 2:06pm

Could be. My guess is he is suffering from his own insecurities and inadequacies. He can't help but make sad attempts at bringing others down to make up for what he obviously is missing.

luvblues2

Thu, 11/08/2012 - 12:04pm

PMS question. I used to tell my son to be scarce and not ask for anything special from his mom, as I had her "schedule" all figured out for the calendar year in advance. The few times he didn't listen, he learned to listen after. :)

KURTje

Thu, 11/08/2012 - 6:19pm

Hardly. You figure if she is giving advice her style could be upped a bit. (Your best foot fwd)

Eda M. Handly

Thu, 11/08/2012 - 9:11pm

I see your comments as nothing but negative and completely overcompensating for what ever it is you are lacking. Having trouble with women?

KURTje

Fri, 11/09/2012 - 6:41pm

Again hardly. Having been around a bit you see through the fog sometimes. Eda you can contact S.R. and ask about me if you want. G._____Richardson we need YOUR advice. E-z Eda - e-z.