Should we go to our Gay Child’s Wedding?

If you have a child in the gay lifestyle should we go to their “wedding”?

No…seriously do you know? I am asking as I find myself in the same predicament I did years ago. Dealing with should we go to our daughters same-sex wedding?

When our daughter came out to us in 2005 I found the ministry “Living Stones”. Carol Wagstaff was the head at the time, and she had founded it.

She was like a breath of fresh air as she listened with compassion and understanding. As she had been affected by homosexuality herself.

We talked for an hour. But what I remember most was this one story:

This woman who was having a commitment ceremony had invited her mother. Her mother came, but cried the whole time.

But even though she cried, it touched her daughter deeply. As she then realized that her mother loved her enough to attend something she did not agree with. And it penitrated her hurting heart.

And the daughter left the lifestyle and is now living life as a married woman to her husband.

So fast forward to 2012. Our daughter Leanne gets “engaged” to her partner, with the wedding planned for Mother’s Day 2013. And I am not going to attend. I kept thinking…”really God…I’ve had to endure the loss of our son can you give me a little slack here”?

Soon after Leanne asked me if I would come, but said I could not make a scene.

Well, I had this story in the back of my head…well…no it was in the forefront of every thought about Leanne’s upcoming event. So when she asked me to not make a scene I couldn’t promise her that. As what if I cried? I just didn’t think I could do this without crying. (At the very least quite frankly). So she told me “no” that I couldn’t go unless she approved it.

Alrighty then. I wanted to be relieved but I couldn’t walk away, I knew I had to heal enough to be able to go….but where and what to do?

And not saying that only healed people go to a gay wedding. But for me I knew I had to be at a place that I could go…or not go…in love and not hate.

Obviously I hit me knees a lot. And I circled the wagons. We went to a support group. I read books. I called a man my friends told me about that used to be gay. He was kind while listening to my story. And gave me two pieces of stellar advice.

He said that I needed to go and be an ambassador for Christ. And that “love does not mean agreement”.

The latter statement shot through my heart. And for the first time since I got the text with a picture of her “engagement” ring on her hand did I feel some sense of peace. “I could do this I thought“. Though there was still work to do.

And then the key. One of the missing links as to why I had a harder time with my daughter then my son. There was a spiritual block I could never explain…until now.

I have severe abuse issues in my background. And as most who do, tend to blame the opposite parent more than the offender. The one that didn’t keep us safe. And that was my mother. (Though am convinced she was unaware). And as my woman friends we’re praying over me regarding said abuse…out of the blue…a woman asked me if I had forgiven my mother.

We spent fifteen minutes on this. I felt nauseated. Tears were shed. But five minutes before I could not go to the “wedding” and five minutes after…I knew I could. The spiritual block was that of unforgiveness.

Which makes sense as so many times I would go to love her and I would hear (obviously the enemy say)”why try, she’ll hate you just like you hate your mother”.

I had no clue in my twenties about spiritual warfare. I just knew something was wrong.

So I asked Leanne if it was ok that I attend. She said “wow…what’s the change of heart”? I then said that I learned that “love does not mean agreement”. She then texted back saying she needed to think about it. She called Bill and said “you know dad, mom tends to roll her eyes”. (I do). But he shared with her that I would be respectful. So she agreed that I could go.

So during this time I was looking forward to it. Not only do I love her, but I love her friends. I am truthfully honored that they allow me into their world as most don’t like us Christians. I even emailed her a link to a father/daughter dance on YouTube. I am sure she thought I had lost my mind. And maybe I did. It just felt really good to not be angry anymore! The weight was gone!

But the fruit of all this came three weeks later. When Bill got a txt from Leanne.

“FYI…the wedding has been cancelled”.

So of course I got up…started shouting “thank you God” while running around the couch. (Who wouldn’t?). But as I sat down I realized my baby was hurting. And so I asked Bill to ask her how she was doing. (Being that she texted him, I didn’t feel right to break her trust by me texting her. With lesbians in general, trust is huge issue).

Did God just rescue me as He didn’t want me to go?

Did He just show an incredible amount of mercy as He knew it would be too painful, as losing our son meant that I wouldn’t get a normal wedding from either of them.

Did He show me who’s in control and not to worry about her?

Or that I need to stop thinking I can fix this. (🤔)

I don’t know. But I know that this would not have taken place had I not chosen to heal to the point that I could go.

Me trying to go, allowing everything in that God was telling me…was a catalyst for healing.

And if that haven’t of happened I wouldn’t have been able to attend her seminars with up to 2500 lesbians. Where we love on them best we can.

And so on Mother’s Day, instead of attending her ceremony she called me and we talked. A nice long talk. She even said “I love you” at the end. This was huge.

I had hoped that she had renounced this lifestyle. But no she had found someone else. Which just means there’s more healong to do.

But wait…there’s more!

We are facing another “wedding” soon. It’s ten weeks away as I write this. Bill is going. Our nephew is going to make sure Bill is ok as it’s in a foreign country. Oh yeah…it’s in Berlin and we live in San Diego.

I was all set to not go. You see I have health issues and from what I hear Berlin is known for people smoking a lot. And I can’t be around cigarette smoke.

But I had a dream the other night that may be telling me I need to go.

But Bill and I have talked about it. And I am leaving it up to him. As our husband’s have the covering over us. I will gratefully concede to his authority.

So as it stands right now I am not going. Bill said he want to risk my health. And am at peace with that.

I think the dream was more about that I was feeling like “I had given her to the Lord”. And that meant I shouldn’t keep trying. I thought maybe I was getting in the way.

So am back on track and doing whatever I can to mend the relationship. Just not attending her “wedding”.

One friend recently asked me what her love language is. Doh! I never thought of that. Of course…it’s gift giving which is on the bottom of my list. Which means it’s not my way of showing love. So have mailed off my first attempt at loving her in the way that works for her.

But if you’re in this place…or worry about it…please know I am not saying what the right thing to do is. It’s something you get to pray through and ask God to cover you in. I just wanted to give you some things to think about in your own journey.

Because most times the healing comes in the journey, not the destination.

I invite you to read other blog posts if this is something you want to learn more about. I call them Love does not mean agreement stories especially “A safe place to land” has a large list of resources to help if you too face this challenge.

I also invite you to join my Facebook page “HOPE FOR CHRISTIAN PARENTS OF LGBTQ CHILDREN” if you have a child in this lifestyle or grandchild. Just contact me through Facebook.

Would love to hear from you so I invite you to like, follow, and/or comment.

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I have a tendency to be kind as a default position these days, mostly because I can so easily see myself in other people’s shoes, but I am not sure that kindness is adequate for the position you are in. You hate what your daughter is doing, but you love your daughter, and won’t abandon her. I find no fault in you for that. She is aware that you do not like her decision, and hopefully why you feel that way, and not merely because of the wrongness you sense and avoid naturally, because you have accepted a definition of right and wrong that she does not wish to comply with.

Today I was listening to an African American preacher that believes ‘Negroes’ are the real ‘Judah’, and I could understand why he would wish to think so, even though I know he is ignoring an awful lot of history. I tried to think what it must be like to be attempting not to hate one race of people for what happened to your race in the past by pretending to be a subsection of another marginalised people that is even more put upon than your own race is, and got lost in the various permutations of a problem that cannot be solved except by G-d. The man has questions that only G-d can answer appropriately, like “Why was I born to be the person that I am?” when it’s a genetic lottery that G-d designed to allow the maximum of uniqueness in each person’s life by using every excruciating difficulty that can be placed in their way. Yet G-d is looking to see what the man will do, not what he believes.

And that is the answer to your question, in an odd way. It’s not about the wedding, although it seems to be the current bone of contention, but the fact that you do not fit in each other’s lives as you would probably like to. Your daughter is not being conveniently feminine, but inconveniently feminine, making decisions on the basis of emotion, and not practicality, and getting herself into a mess you cannot even imagine she will be able to find her way out of. Which is true…how can you put yourself into your daughters mindset when it is at a right angle to your own, and all other heterosexuals?

And being heterosexual, you cannot put yourself into her shoes, and feel that bereft of normality, nor the need to cling to what does seem to fit, even though it will make a mess of your life. It’s a feeling that it doesn’t matter what you do because you are already so weird already, or so I try to imagine, which being heterosexual makes difficult. And perhaps a feeling of, “At least she loves me as I am,” which might even be true for your daughter’s partner.

She has a political group telling her what to believe, and it suits her to believe it…which is why I hate politics, with people always telling other people how to live on another person’s money in order to get what they want. Her religion is about immediate emotional survival, not about what G-d might like, and certainly not about what you might like.

We do not actually know what G-d’s feelings are about your daughter’s situation, and what hurts made her go there, only that he understands all the circumstances, and makes all the necessary allowances. It is her behavior that he will judge, not her desires and impulses, and her current inabilty to force them into a suitable societal form. The world is transitioning out of control, and that makes some people want to hold onto rules, while others wish to let go of them, and just go with the flow, even if it’s going in the wrong direction.

It is easy for me to say, “be celibate, and do not sin,” because I have given up my overt sinning, and know it is better to have done so. I am at least twice your daughter’s age, and have already done more damage to others than she will ever do. I have sinned every sin, and broken every law in one way or another, and if everyone is honest, so have they. I would not tell her what to do…only what not to.

I would tell her not to take advantage of people. I would tell her not to be angry at what she has no control over, and not to blame anyone for anything that is not deliberately direct, and purposefully done. I would tell her not to avoid committment even if she is wrong. And I would tell her not to be deliberately unkind and to avoid wronging others. And then I would tell myself and you the same.

Only G-d is perfect, and knows what to do and what not to, and why, and has the ability to do what he knows is right always. He is bound by his sense of rightness to the point that if he doesn’t do what he has decided is right the universe will implode, and all of us with it. Yet he designed us with the ability to fail, and be wrong, and still made an allowance for us to be forgiven.

G-d has decided not to judge us if we will trust in his son, who has been of the flesh, and knows it’s frailty. He has said he will hear us if we call, and keep calling.

We can ask him, together, to have mercy, and to help her to see him, and want him, and change. We can ask for him to show her in the moments of her life what it is he wants her to do, and to explain to her what she will not hear from us, in the words and tones that only he can use. We can ask for her to be enabled, and given grace.

I could read this many times more and still find new treasures. Thank you for such a well thought out reply.
Oddly enough she actually is on the forefront of this movement. She has over 25,000 in her community and travels the world including putting on seminars at the White House. So we have hope that when she comes back she could bring thousands with her. So continued prayers would be appreciated!
Hugs,
Em🌹

My daughter is slated to marry an unbeliever (male) and I don’t know what group she “identifies” these days- “gay” is what she calls it apparently. But like I said, is marrying a male and he supports her as a gay woman. Support meaning- ok with her being with other women I think. I think at this point I have probably been shunned, which is ok, but I originally intended to go, then the more I thought about it, no I couldn’t go. I hate to be “that” person, but I just don’t think I can do it. It is so anti- everything I believe marriage to be- faithful, monogamous, encouraging family. I just see all this as a joke, or nightmare I should say. I originally tried to accept this guy into our family with open arms. I am always looking for another child to love and I would have gladly loved him. He seemed to be good for her but I have learned having a job and stable income does not mean everything. I saw how much he disrespects the family unit and doesn’t care if she keeps a relationship with us or not, in fact seems to encourage her away from us. Trashes our God. I don’t know how to go, and not feel my heart crush under the weight of all that is going on. It has already crushed and is crushing. In my health woes, I feel I have to save myself from some things. It kills me to not see my daughter get married, but is worse when I consider the whole situation that she is marrying into. I have wavered back and forth, but at this point I am unable to do it (and may be disinvited anyway so…)
I am guessing every situation may be different – I know people who have gone, participated in the ceremony, etc- I am just not that person. If it means anger, maybe, but I don’t feel angry anymore just heartbroken.

Oh sweetie,
There is no pat answer for this. You can find scripture on each side. My story doesn’t have to be your story.
I talk “a mean talk” as they say, but come the day when Bill boards the plane and I don’t I will be a wreck!

I share my story in case there’s something that inspires you, but never to make you feel guilty or shamed. This is tough and let’s face it…sucks. It really does.

I pray that God will show you what He wants you to do. And you will have peace about it.

If you ever want to chat you can contact me. I would love to lend you an ear. Contact me through Facebook or Instagram and we can set something up.

I’m proud of you Em for being so honest about your journey! It’s not easy and sometimes it feels messy. Abba knows the final destination and why we go through what we go through! Thankful for your friendship!