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Friday, September 14, 2012

Watchin' Trailerz with Doug (Sept. 14)

Fourscore and ... 500 posts ago, we, your forefathers, were brought forth upon a most excellent adventure conceived by our new friends, F This Movie! This great website is dedicated to a proposition that was true in my time, just as it's true today. Be excellent to each other. And ... PARTY ON, DUDES!Lincoln
Release date: Nov. 16, 2012

Earlier this week, this "very special" teaser-to-a-teaser trailer was released by Google (classic Google, and, as Film Crit Hulk pointed out, "'FOLLOWED BY A LIVE GOOGLE HANG OUT.' JUST LIKE LINCOLN WOULD HAVE WANTED"). Didn't we learn our lesson from the teaser-to-a-teaser trailer for Total Recall in March? That lesson being that these trailers-for-trailers are Grade A Stupid? Just show us the preview already! What's with the buildup? Here's the real-deal Holyfield trailer for Lincoln, which is probably the most anticipated movie of the year (after Butter, of course [side note: what's with all you Butter apologists from last week? That film looks BAD!]). What do all you F-Heads think of #TheGreatEmanciTrailer?

Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters
Release date: Jan. 11, 2013

Too bad this will be released next year (pushed back from this summer), because now it won't get any of the 2012 Oscars, of which I'm sure it would have won all of them (sorry 2011 Tom Cruise!). What I'm saying is this looks SO GOOD. GREAT effects, WONDERFUL acting and some serious DRAMA. And today is NOT OPPOSITE DAY AT ALL. If you feel like you've heard that joke before, you're right! And, the way I figure it, after 500 posts, it's only fair that we start repeating ourselves, right? Back to Hansel and Gretel (you know, that famous fairytale in which children who become adults HUNT WITCHES with MACHINE GUNS) ... this preview is so A.D.D. and FLASH and GROSS CGI and QUICK CUT and BANG and SLASH GUITAR RIFF, and yet, completely soulless and empty and I think [JUST MAYBE] I'm watching deleted scenes from 2005's The Brothers Grimm, a movie I didn't very much care for. So yeah, Jeremy Renner is Hansel Bourne. Because there was never just one.

A Christmas Story 2
Release date: TBA

Wouldn't it be CRAZY if this turns out to be one of the best, most heartwarming, funniest Christmas movies ever? But of course that won't happen. Because this looks like garbage! To protest this TRAVESTY, let us all convert to Judaism. It's the only way to teach HollyWEIRD a lesson. L'chaim!

The Bay
Release date: Nov. 2, 2012

Gross: this movie. Grosser than gross: this movie is based on real-life tongue-eating parasites. However, take this preview with a grain of salt. The movie, after all, is directed by Barry Levinson. The same Barry Levinson who gave us Envy.

This Must Be the Place
Release date: Nov. 2, 2012

Remember when pics of Sean Penn in this crazy getup appeared all over the Internet a few months ago? And remember when all of us made fun of him and rolled our eyes and LOL'd? And, to compound things, remember EVERYTHING Sean Penn has EVER SAID that has made you cringe due to his insufferability (is that a word?). Well, the joke's on us, because this film looks F'ing GREAT. Seriously, great music, interesting characters, a compelling storyline ... I can't wait to see it.

Love and Honor
Release date: TBA

Whenever a Hemsworth speaks, be it Liam or his older brother Chris, I can't help but replay the line, "Tiberius? You kidding me? No, that's the worst. Let's name him after your dad. Let's call him Jim," from 2009's Star Trek in my head. Specifically, the "that's the worst" part, and how George Kirk's voice fries a bit. There's something about the way he says it, trying his best at an American accent while still playing it cool. Drives me crazy. Obviously, the above line is Chris', but Liam has plenty of the same vocal traits in his performances, too. In fact, the more I think about it, is Liam the Eli Manning to older brother Chris' Peyton? Sports food for movie thought, F-Heads. Last thing about Love and Honor ... I can't believe Teresa Palmer's character chooses Peeta over Gale [SPOILERS].

Innocence of Muslims
Release date: Never, hopefully

Listen, F This Movie! is not a political site. Nor are we one to embroil ourselves in controversy. Further, the last thing we want to do is upset an entire population of devout individuals -- regardless of their beliefs -- by sharing a potentially controversial video on our blog. BUT ... we do want to stay current and relevant and timely, what with the kids and their pogs and Ross and Rachel and is Anne Heche as crazy as she looks? Never forget. So here is the [thankfully] short preview (long version available here, but, seriously, don't watch it) of that stupid amateur movie that has incited (by Thursday's count) seven massive and violent anti-American protests in Egypt, Yemen, Iraq, Iran, the Gaza Strip, Bangladesh and, most notably, Benghazi, Libya, in which U.S. Ambassador Chris Stevens was murdered by hardline Muslim extremists. Honestly, even typing that last sentence has really soured my mood for lowbrow humor and Zac Efron tributes and b00bs, which, as all of you know, are the bread and butter of WTwD. With that said, I'll only add: this movie looks like a piece of shit.