It sounds like Dave confronted Louise and the compromise they came up with was that Susan will attend the wedding but not be in it. I'm not sure how I feel about Dave anymore, but it doesn't matter since I don't know him. All my best to Susan!

I think it's a bit much to think that Dave should have immediately called of the wedding and left Louise high and dry. I think that their relationship is more than this one incredibly stupid act of Louise's.

While Louise did act disgracefully, I think Dave is to be commended for confronting his fiance so close to the wedding. Remember he thought it was a dress dispute at first, when Dave was fully informed of what happened he made it perfectly clear that Susan WAS welcome to the wedding no matter what. How many times on this forum have we seen examples where the Groom did not stand up for his family and allowed the mistreatment to continue for years.

And I think what matters is that both Dave AND Susan are happy with the outcome

Thank you for updating us OP. We know you are not directly privy to what's going on between the couple, so it takes awhile. It sounds like a good outcome. I hope for Susan's sake, her future SIL takes note of what she and her brother will and will not tolerate. Hopefully Louise has learned her lesson.

I think it's a bit much to think that Dave should have immediately called of the wedding and left Louise high and dry. I think that their relationship is more than this one incredibly stupid act of Louise's.

While Louise did act disgracefully, I think Dave is to be commended for confronting his fiance so close to the wedding. Remember he thought it was a dress dispute at first, when Dave was fully informed of what happened he made it perfectly clear that Susan WAS welcome to the wedding no matter what. How many times on this forum have we seen examples where the Groom did not stand up for his family and allowed the mistreatment to continue for years.

And I think what matters is that both Dave AND Susan are happy with the outcome

The wedding isn't until November, if I remember the OP correctly - we might not get an update on the situation until then unless the wedding gets called off.

Also, if I was Susan's brother, I'd have changed her role in the wedding from being one of the bride's attendants to being one of the groom's attendants. I feel like assigning the bride/groom attendant roles based on gender rather than which half of the couple you're closest to is a little outdated...

I don't think that the tradition is necessarily "outdated". Lots of people still do it and everyone involved is happy with it.

And in this case, I don't think it would make a lot of difference. Louise might have easily still been trying to dictate Susan's attire even if she was her brother's attendant.

since Susan has two young children to keep track of, it would be easier for her not to be in the wedding party. This is what Susan plans to tell anyone who asks, as Susan told Louise she would keep this "disgraceful incident*" between them.

Whilst I agree with other posters that Susan appears to be a class act, I honestly don't support her in letting Louise get away with her utterly disgusting behaviour.

If I was in Susan's position, I would be honest with the reason I was no longer part of the wedding party. I wouldn't go around initiating conversations on the topic, but I would give an honest answer in as factual/unemotional way as possible if I was directly asked for the reason.

People like Louise get away with this sort of thing because nice people like Susan let them get away with it.

since Susan has two young children to keep track of, it would be easier for her not to be in the wedding party. This is what Susan plans to tell anyone who asks, as Susan told Louise she would keep this "disgraceful incident*" between them.

Whilst I agree with other posters that Susan appears to be a class act, I honestly don't support her in letting Louise get away with her utterly disgusting behaviour.

If I was in Susan's position, I would be honest with the reason I was no longer part of the wedding party. I wouldn't go around initiating conversations on the topic, but I would give an honest answer in as factual/unemotional way as possible if I was directly asked for the reason.

People like Louise get away with this sort of thing because nice people like Susan let them get away with it.

I have to agree with Sammycat. I think Susan is being far too nice for her own good.

The only way I can see this as a "good outcome" is if this whole incident was VERY out-of-character for Louise. I sincerely hope that Susan is right in giving Louise the benefit of the doubt. I sincerely hope that this was just a completely stupid and random lapse of judgement in an otherwise decent person.

If I was in Susan's position, I would be honest with the reason I was no longer part of the wedding party. I wouldn't go around initiating conversations on the topic, but I would give an honest answer in as factual/unemotional way as possible if I was directly asked for the reason.

What would that achieve? Possible make Susan feel better about the whole situation. It will upset Susan's sick mother and potentially ruin her relationship with her brother. Now if Susan decided to cut both her brother and Louise out of her life I would understand that, but she has chosen not to. She is the epitome of class act. When this happened, she acted perfectly, let her brother know the full story and her brother acted well. Louise acted horrifically and has been very privately called on it. It could be a once off, it might not be. But Susan has the right not to choose to ruin family relationships over what could be one incident.

I'm glad Dave stepped up and sorted things out. I hope (for his sake and for Susan's) that this is an aberration on Louise's behalf and that she's either not like this usually, or has more sense than to ever try something like this again.

If I was in Susan's position, I would be honest with the reason I was no longer part of the wedding party. I wouldn't go around initiating conversations on the topic, but I would give an honest answer in as factual/unemotional way as possible if I was directly asked for the reason.

What would that achieve? Possible make Susan feel better about the whole situation. It will upset Susan's sick mother and potentially ruin her relationship with her brother. Now if Susan decided to cut both her brother and Louise out of her life I would understand that, but she has chosen not to. She is the epitome of class act. When this happened, she acted perfectly, let her brother know the full story and her brother acted well. Louise acted horrifically and has been very privately called on it. It could be a once off, it might not be. But Susan has the right not to choose to ruin family relationships over what could be one incident.

I agree. I don't see this as Susan backing down, but as taking the high road. This is her brother's wedding, and she's doing what she can to not disrupt it. She'd be well within her rights to take a stand and make the truth known, but the collateral damage would be high because this is a huge family event. I like her reasoning that everyone is entitled to a second chance after an incident of monumental stupidity, and I think this particular situation is the perfect time to invoke that idea.

That said, if Louise ever does anything like this again, Susan should come down on her like the wrath of an angry god. This is basically just "Not in front of the children" mixed with "First one's free, next one will cost you." Hopefully Louise isn't really the sort of person this incident makes her out to be. If she is that sort of person, hopefully she's smart enough to know she got off very easy this time and will never go over the line again. If she's not smart enough for that, then Susan can let her have it with both barrels when that occurs. Turning the other cheek to this incident might resolve the problem entirely, or it might just kick it down the road, but Susan has apparently decided it's worth a try, and I agree.

If I was in Susan's position, I would be honest with the reason I was no longer part of the wedding party. I wouldn't go around initiating conversations on the topic, but I would give an honest answer in as factual/unemotional way as possible if I was directly asked for the reason.

What would that achieve? Possible make Susan feel better about the whole situation. It will upset Susan's sick mother and potentially ruin her relationship with her brother. Now if Susan decided to cut both her brother and Louise out of her life I would understand that, but she has chosen not to. She is the epitome of class act. When this happened, she acted perfectly, let her brother know the full story and her brother acted well. Louise acted horrifically and has been very privately called on it. It could be a once off, it might not be. But Susan has the right not to choose to ruin family relationships over what could be one incident.

I agree. I don't see this as Susan backing down, but as taking the high road. This is her brother's wedding, and she's doing what she can to not disrupt it. She'd be well within her rights to take a stand and make the truth known, but the collateral damage would be high because this is a huge family event. I like her reasoning that everyone is entitled to a second chance after an incident of monumental stupidity, and I think this particular situation is the perfect time to invoke that idea.

That said, if Louise ever does anything like this again, Susan should come down on her like the wrath of an angry god. This is basically just "Not in front of the children" mixed with "First one's free, next one will cost you." Hopefully Louise isn't really the sort of person this incident makes her out to be. If she is that sort of person, hopefully she's smart enough to know she got off very easy this time and will never go over the line again. If she's not smart enough for that, then Susan can let her have it with both barrels when that occurs. Turning the other cheek to this incident might resolve the problem entirely, or it might just kick it down the road, but Susan has apparently decided it's worth a try, and I agree.

Have to agree with the above after thinking about this a bit.

It really depends on family dynamics and it sounds like for her particular situation, at least for now, Susan is doing what is best. Standing up for herself is so very important and hopefully, Louise will think twice before exhibiting such horrendously rude, thoughtless behavior again. Susan really is taking the high road and sending the message that she'll forgive, but not forget. And I suspect that Dave is taking the same approach--perhaps Louise has other redeeming qualities and hopefully, this is just an aberration on her part. Hopefully.

But if it happens again...E-Hell should hath no fury like a sister twice insulted.

I agree that Susan should not try to protect Louisa from her own bad behaviour. While this may appear to be the "high road", it's giving people a distorted idea of who Louisa is. If Louisa does not believe her behaviour is atrocious, there's no harm in telling people exactly what she did, right? Not necessarily, "Louisa is a female dog who kicked me out," but "Louisa decided that I didn't fit in with the look she was going for, and I agreed to step down." Then, hopefully, Louisa's friends and relatives will help Louisa understand why this was not appropriate. Otherwise, she will continue to believe that she acted correctly.

Logged

My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

I agree that Susan should not try to protect Louisa from her own bad behaviour. While this may appear to be the "high road", it's giving people a distorted idea of who Louisa is. If Louisa does not believe her behaviour is atrocious, there's no harm in telling people exactly what she did, right? Not necessarily, "Louisa is a female dog who kicked me out," but "Louisa decided that I didn't fit in with the look she was going for, and I agreed to step down." Then, hopefully, Louisa's friends and relatives will help Louisa understand why this was not appropriate. Otherwise, she will continue to believe that she acted correctly.

That is presuming that Louise had not already seen the error of her ways by having her fiance talk to her about it. For all we know she is deeply upset about her own behavior and wishes the ground would swallow her up every time she even thinks about it. I know that in situations where I did something wrong and was upset at myself for it having people harping on me about it didn't help at all. Unless the point is to make Louise withdraw from the family because she feels they will never accept her now?

I agree that Susan should not try to protect Louisa from her own bad behaviour. While this may appear to be the "high road", it's giving people a distorted idea of who Louisa is. If Louisa does not believe her behaviour is atrocious, there's no harm in telling people exactly what she did, right? Not necessarily, "Louisa is a female dog who kicked me out," but "Louisa decided that I didn't fit in with the look she was going for, and I agreed to step down." Then, hopefully, Louisa's friends and relatives will help Louisa understand why this was not appropriate. Otherwise, she will continue to believe that she acted correctly.

That is presuming that Louise had not already seen the error of her ways by having her fiance talk to her about it. For all we know she is deeply upset about her own behavior and wishes the ground would swallow her up every time she even thinks about it. I know that in situations where I did something wrong and was upset at myself for it having people harping on me about it didn't help at all. Unless the point is to make Louise withdraw from the family because she feels they will never accept her now?

If Louise actually had grown that way, surely she would have asked Susan to be in the wedding party, and apologized for her appallingly heinous behavior? In the proper, matching, dress, without trying to draw attention to Susan's disability by demanding a frumpy, mismatched dress and requiring that Susan wear her prosthetic?

Not that Susan would necessarily accept at this point, and I would not blame her if she did not. Louise not only burned any bridges but cut away the banks of the river.