The Pet Lady

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My 9-year-old has been begging for a—whaddayacallit?—mink, no, ferret. I think these are dangerous rodents. What is your opinion? I'd appreciate it if you could back me up here.

TIRED OF COURTNEY'S BEGGING

Dear T.O.C.B.,

Indeed, the Pet Lady is partial to birds; however, this does not mean that the Pet Lady endorses keeping birds as pets—no, no, my friend! The Pet Lady's family had a series of parakeets in her youth as well as a large orange tomcat. But with each subsequent bird—despite the best efforts of the Pet Father and the Pet Mother—cruel Nature took its course, ending inevitably in the Pet Cat lolling on the floor, delicately belching tiny yellow feathers. In addition, birds should be free, flying on their little feathers in the big sky. The Pet Lady once visited Australia, where she was stunned to find birds of the variety that ended up inside the Pet Cat just standing around in tall trees, flying hither and yon. While the Pet Lady never officially thought that such birds came from (and only from) the U-Village Woolworth's, this was indeed a moment of revelation for her. We think that you see what the Pet Lady means.

Best to you and little Chrissy,

THE PET LADY

Dear Pet Lady,

I was given a baby chick as part of a tasteful Easter floral arrangement. It has now grown quite big and runs amok in my condo. And when I say amok, I mean amok. Are there chicken obedience classes available locally?

JESUS DIED FOR OUR SINS

Dear J.D.O.S.,

The Pet Lady knows just what you mean—the second Mr. Pet Lady used to overindulge at the occasional cocktail party, and he was quite heavy to carry. Spreading newspapers out for him would also sully the Pet Lady's white gloves with newsprint. Nonetheless, one must persevere.

But we digress. While the Pet Lady will admit to a featherduster fetish, she is sure that your duvet is filled with a down/ feather mixture—the more down the better! why skimp? —gently plucked from live birds who had been administered tiny Manhattans WITH maraschino cherries and were subsequently issued small angora sweaters to wear until such time as feather regrowth occurred. Fear not, friend, and sweet dreams.