Who Am I?

I recently thought that I had reached a pinnacle in my life. My career is super successful. I am living a very healthy lifestyle, looking and feeling better than I ever have. I have the most amazing support system. I am broadening my skills as a healer. I was working on myself to prepare space for romantic love and then wham, he showed up. He seemed to fit almost every quality on my man inventory. He treated me like a king and showed me the loved that I had not thought possible due to life circumstances and poor choices on my part. And then, just as quickly as he arrived, 69 days later he left. Reasons are still unclear and when I got the closure, I was left with more questions than answers. I went through anger and sadness but the most overarching feeling was one of Who Am I now? I had been someone’s boyfriend/lover for 69 days. I was so consumed with this relationship that I had lost some sense of identity. This was further complicated by his answers as to why he broke up with me and what was inherently wrong with the relationship (reasons I was clueless about).

Yes, I was someone’s love (or so I thought) for 69 days. The inherent issue was that I allowed my sense of identity to be solely to be his boyfriend. Because this was one of my deepest desires, I allowed it to have so much meaning. More meaning than anything else in my life. I was so scared of it ending, that all of my energies were focused on keeping it. I certainly handled it much better than previous relationships, however, I was still consumed by it. Now that it is indeed over, I was walking in a daze, with a loss of identity. No one to call in the morning or to say good night to. Having to make my own plans without having to consult anyone. No cute texts throughout the day. Who was I now?

The answer is very simple, who I am is exactly who I was before I met him only with more learning experience under my belt. Like Agent Carter says all the time, I know my value. I had to sit with what was my responsibility and what was his responsibility. I had to sit through all the negative emotions without resorting to maladaptive coping strategies. I had to implement everything that I teach my clients. Most importantly, I had to follow something A Course In Miracles says, “only what you are not giving can be lacking in any situation.”

So who am I? I am someone who needs to give me the love I am seeking. Recognizing my value that I bring to all the people I encounter. Utilizing my talents to help others. Pursuing my passions to feel happy and grow as a person. Teach so that others and I can heal. Most importantly, recognizing that I am whole, complete and lacking nothing. Forgive so that I can heal and grow. Set boundaries to continually recognize my value. Communicate my feelings and needs appropriately. This is who I am today and I am grateful for this pain, which facilitated me getting there.