Some Serious Happiness

Staying Abreast

Boobies. Ta-tas. Hooters. Knockers. Melons. Boulders. Fun bags. Jugs. Sweater puppies. Headlights. Lady lumps. Mosquito Bites. Bazookas. The girls. The twins. Second base.......Do I have your attention yet? Well, men - keep on scrolling, because this one is just for my gal-pals.

This is not going to be your average “October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month” piece - there are others more proficient at writing about that worthy cause than I. But, ladies - just as you can't forget your "friends", there is something else you need to know about that portion of your anatomy that makes men go gaga.

Your back.

Yep. A pair of D-cup breasts can weigh between 15 and 23 pounds. (Less, obviously, if you’re a charter member of the itty-bitty-titty-committee).

It may not seem like much first thing in the morning, but after a full day of working, being hunched over your computer or iPhone, the poundage from those appendages can put a strain on your thoracic spine.

You know that back pain you get right about mid-shoulder? That, my dear lady friends, is because your bra...well...sucks.

There is an old joke that there are only four types of bras. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, the Protestant type makes mountains out of mole hills, and the Sheep Dog rounds them up and heads them out.

But, as womenfolk, we’ve been sold a bill of good when it comes to supporting “the girls”. We’ve either opted for the ever so comfy sports bra (an abomination that keeps your breasts from jiggling, but doesn’t keep them in prime position to help your spine) or, we’ve channeled Frederick’s of Hollywood and laid out cash for a lacy bit of nothing to turn our mate to jelly.

What we need is a functional, super supportive always there for you... brassiere. (You thought I was going to say man, didn’t you?)

Back in the day, women’s department stores had a foundations department replete with clerks who were trained to make sure that you got not only the right size (most women buy bras either one cup size or width size too small, by the way), and they’d counsel you on how to properly fit the bra to your breasts.

Now, if you’re lucky enough to find a lingerie section in your local store, good luck getting anyone to even show you where the best bras are, much less help you fit one. So, leave it to your Auntie Judi to offer a few tips for your, um, tits.

First: The back and front of your bra should be parallel to the floor. If you’ve flattered yourself and your bra back rides up on you throughout the day, your bra is too big. (Conversely, if your boobs squish out the sides or fall out the bottom, it’s too small).

Straps: Put your bra on, and drop your bra straps off your shoulders. Your bra should stay pretty much in place. Too large a band size or too small a cup size could be the culprit here if it doesn’t.

Finally, my (and many men’s) favorite - jump up and down. If everyone stays where they’re supposed to - you have the right size bra.

A well fitting, supportive bra not only makes your clothes fit better, but it can also save you from becoming one of those little old ladies with a dowagers hump in 40 years.