To enjoy your own party conference, heat a pan of pinot grigio

It’s 4am. It’s dark. You have a throbbing headache. A lanyard hangs round your neck. And you are urinating in the wardrobe having become disorientated after bumping into the dressing table, scattering small sachets of coffee, sugar and milk all over the floor.

It is possible to get the full party conference experience from the discomfort of your home, after Labour and the Lib Dems cancelled their annual gatherings. (The Tories haven’t changed their plans yet but after this week, expect a U-turn at any minute.)

The first thing to do is stock up on booze. Don’t spend a lot of money. Photos of cases of Dom Pérignon being carried into conference hotels are the equivalent of your mum filling an old Kellogg’s Rice Krispies