3.31.2012

Snails, for instance. Individually they can be kinda interesting with their spiral shell and retractable eyes, and all. But when FIVE THOUSAND of them spend the cool, dark hours munching the heads off of marigolds and attacking baby green growing things, well...collectively, snails are disgusting and annoying.

Mr. Last is my fearless Snail Hunter. He has been going out each evening after dark with his trusty Night Vision Torch and gathering 44 oz. cupfuls of hissing, spitting, sliming, gross snails and disposing of their carcasses. I suppose if we were French we would be thanking heaven for our good fortune and sauteing oodles of garlic in obscene amounts of butter and feeding cornmeal to the buggers getting them ready for our feast of escargot. But we are not French. And we despise snails.

Also, aphids. On my budding ROSES! Yes. I've become the Gardener Who Complains About Pests. I spent the morning soapy spraying all my tender rosebuds and cursing aphids to death. The only upside to aphids are ladybugs. Ladybugs love to eat aphids and I have noticed a few of them coming around. Ladybugs, unlike aphids, are among the Little Things That I Love.

My final irritation this rant is bermuda grass. I have an irrationally intolerant rage against the opportunistic, aggressive, invasive WEED that insinuates itself into cracks in the pavement and every other place it has no business being. I pull it up constantly. When I have to dig down and curl my fingers around a particularly tenacious granddaddy root I snarl, "I hate bermuda grass!" and I think the darkest, meanest thoughts I can muster. Hate is a strong word and an unhealthy emotion, but the dark passion that I experience while removing the tough roots is cathartic, and I do feel much better when I'm through.

So.

If I were an oyster, you'd have a beautiful string of pearls. My irritations are not large, but unfortunately they are plentiful. I guess that's the duality of the world in which we live.

Oh! Have you done everything you wanted to do in March? Like eradicating snails and aphid and bermuda grass? Well, you better get crackin' because tomorrow the Fools are kickin' off April.

2 comments:

I'm sure you've heard of the beer option... dunno if it works... I live in a dry town HA! but just think of the you tube possibilities! Drunk snails--- of course you've have to fast forward it because surely it wouldn't suddenly make them speedy. If you were an oyster I bet you'd make the really pretty different colored pearls. I like the white ones too but the colored ones catch my eye. Love you.

We have tried saucers of beer. And it works. Drunk snails are even more disgusting than plain sober snails. But the local snail population is seriously aiming for Total World Domination which requires more aggressive eradication methods. They will not conquer us! If I could get them to eat bermuda grass...nah, I still can't abide snails eating my carefully nurtured landscape.