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Augsburg
The Drake Hotel
Page, 3
The College's Student-Produced Newspaper
Woman ahead of her time
Page, 7
Friday, April 2, 2010
Minneapples, Minnesota
Volume CXVI, Issue 18
The Echo would like to remind all readers that this is the annual joke issue. Therefore, the stories and quotes within this paper are not
real and should not be taken as the real opinion of those who are cited.
Breaking news: Lady Gaga is a dude
Briakna Olson-Carr
Contributor
Yes, ladies and gents, it's the truth you are
reading.
Lady Gaga, or, Stefani Joanne Angelina
Germanott, the "woman" who has been providing your parties with synth dance beats and
suggestive lyrics about folks who take pictures,
wholesome card games, and a relationship
gone bad... is a man. There have been copious
amounts of in-depth research concerning Lady
Gaga's true sex, including two very resourceful clubbers in their mid-twenties, an elderly
garbage man and a bunch of teenage bloggers.
This journey began when Lady Gaga first
became big in August of 2008. One of her former peers from New York University's Tisch
School of the Arts, Rich Kidd, said, "Yeah,
she's always been, you know...super weird.
But she found a way to make money being
super weird, so.. .1 guess that's the dream."
Super weird, indeed. There is evidence of
her "super weirdness" in high school at Convent for the Sacred Heart, a Roman Catholic
school. No wonder she was so weird, in such
a repressive environment.
An interview with Paris Hilton, one of
Gaga's former classmates at Sacred Heart,
revealed much we didn't know about the pop
star.
"She was like, you know, freaky, but like,
in a hot way," Hilton said. "Like, she'd come to
school with yellow and black lipstick and I'd be
like, 'Uhh.. .Stef, that's not hot. You look like a
bumble bee landed on your lips!' But now she,
you know, rocks it. And that's hot."
After getting an extremely thorough background with those two sources, 1 sought to
know more about the singer/songwriter. After
being turned down for an interview by Lady
Gaga's parents numerous times, 1 decided for
a more direct approach: the Lady herself.
Unfortunately pop idols tend to have lots
of large men around to protect them: a species
called "body guards." Lady Gaga's particular
following includes seven large men with names
like Doc, Grumpy, Bashful and Sneezy. I came
to a club called The Hundred Acre Wood to talk
to her, but I kept getting "bounced" away from
the pop star.
As I lost hope and was about to leave the
club, 1 saw two ladies slip out from the protection of the seven guards. They introduced
themselves to me as Drizzle and Pop. I asked
them how they knew Gaga. Drizzle claimed
to have known her for a couple of hours. "Oh
maaa goodness, she's like, the best, you know?
Like, ahhhh I can't believe I'm here! She spoke
to me and we totally hit it off."
Pop was a little more intoxicated than her
companion Drizzle, and I asked her the big
question: Is Lady Gaga actually a man? "Well,
yeah! She's got dude stuff!"
After my breakthrough in investigative
reporting at The Hundred Acre Wood, I decided
to get more evidence. I went to a spot most
frequented by Lady Gaga- her house. It was
5:00 AM and I saw a garbage man coming out
of one of her many driveways glittering with
red rubies.
'He seemed to be carrying a golden basket,
which he informed me is what the big stars use
to toss out their rubbish.
"Yeah, I've seen her a couple times, and
you can really know a lot from a person's junk,"
he said. " I'd say with Miss Gaga...probably
a 50 percent chance she's a man. Now that's
just an estimate." This breakthrough was the
biggest yet. In Lady Gaga's garbage I found lots
of ripped men's clothing with letters that were
signed by a man named Speedy. Speedy was a
man Lady Gaga was rumored to date and they
could have been his clothes she threw out. Or
maybe she's actually a man and he found out
and now they've broken up! From the evidence,
the latter is more convincing.
After consulting youth celebrity bloggers
who all claim Lady Gaga is a man, the case has
been solved. Perhaps you should call her "Sir
Gaga," now.
Zombie Rights Association demands BRAINS!
Dave Madsen
News Editor
Since the spread of the highly-
infectious zombie disease known
as "Solanum" in the fall of 2009,
the Minneapolis community has
been forced to embrace the undead
community.
While the majority of the
city's initial response was one of
disgust, many progressive institutions are now aiming to give the
walking dead equal opportunities
for education and employment.
Last Wednesday, during an executive board meeting, President
Pribbenow announced his plan to
integrate the living dead community into Augsburg College.
"For too long have we been
ignorant to the needs of ourzombi-
fied brothers and sisters," Pribbenow said. "As an urban institution
that purports a campus of intentional diversity, we must be more
sensitive to serve zombiekind."
Michael Grewe, the recently-
infected Staff Director of the
Zombie Rights Association (ZRA)
and Assistant Director of Campus
Activities and Orientation (CAO),
commented on the fact that Augsburg is simply not equipped to
handle the living dead community.
Grewe stated that, in order
for the campus to function as
"successfully sensitive," faculty
and staff must provide adequate
support systems for the zombie
community.
To make incoming first-year
zombies feel more welcome,
Grewe proposed the construction
of Romero Hall, an isolated dormitory that strongly resembles a
haunted mansion. Along with the
separate housing facility, Grewe
also suggested a separate meal
plan for infected students. Danny
Nguyen, the operations manager for Dining Services, opposed
Grewe's proposition as he refused
to install a "Brain Bar" next to the
cafeteria's deli station. Grewe then
proceeded to devour President
Pribbenow's right forearm.
In addition to refining the
school's mission into a less life-
centric statement, many academic
departments are being forced to
adapt a more zombie-friendly curriculum. For example, the biology
department will now place less of
an emphasis on sustainable ecosystems and devote more attention
to decomposing human anatomy.
"It's an exciting time for us,"
chair of the biology department
Dale C. Pederson said. "We can
finally [dissect] a live human
specimen without being concerned
with ethics."
During the spring semester
of the 2010-2011 academic year,
the Psychology department will
offer a class titled, "Aim for the
head: Understanding the Undead
Brain." Lisa Jack, the professor
of PSY 295, explained that the
course will be a "comprehensive
survey of zombie thought." In addition to observing zombiekind's
compulsion to inhabit shopping
malls, students in the course will
attempt to examine a zombiekind's
implications in the realm of Pav-
lovian conditioning.
Working closely with the
ZRA, the Social Work department
is offering many opportunities for
students to engage the undead
community. While retaining the
department's philosophy of working directly with clients, the curriculum must now incorporate an
individual's life status in addition
to his/her race, class, gender, culture, sexual orientation, disability
and age group.
"I think the traditional approach of engaging the living
dead community is incredibly ignorant," Professor Annette Gerten
said. "The zombie community
should be welcomed with open
arms, not sawed-off shotguns."
Associate Professor and Chair
of Art Department Robert Tom
was thrilled when he heard that
Augsburg was becoming zombie
friendly. Since the 2009 's city-
wide pandemic, zombie artists
in the Cedar-Riverside area have
been experimenting in works
resembling Jackson Pollock and
other Abstract expressionists.
"With the excess plasma
ZOMBIE continues page 2 ►
Ipcoming
Augsburg
71 Events
HACKY SACK CLUB
Friday, February 31
InitationMatch
That's right friends, spring is here!
Join us as we get the heck out of
the student lounge and migrate
to the beautiful outdoors to have
intense, week-long hacky sack
tournaments.
12:00a.m. - 12:00p.m.
The Quad
ACR
Saturday, April 3
Anti-Immigration Forum
Join us to have an open-
minded discussion on issues of
undocumented zombies and how
Augsburg is handing them seats
that should be given to living, U.S.
citizens.
3:00p.m. - 4:00p.m.
Rs Resource Center
CCHP
Monday, April 5
All-inclusive Stress Relief
CCHP recognized the need for
students, zombies, Rs, faculty,
stalf, and other variables to find a
place to talk about their respective,
highly precise role on campus.
Join for a session of massage chair
discussions.
3:00p.m. -4:00p.m.
Rs Resource Center
Echo

Augsburg
The Drake Hotel
Page, 3
The College's Student-Produced Newspaper
Woman ahead of her time
Page, 7
Friday, April 2, 2010
Minneapples, Minnesota
Volume CXVI, Issue 18
The Echo would like to remind all readers that this is the annual joke issue. Therefore, the stories and quotes within this paper are not
real and should not be taken as the real opinion of those who are cited.
Breaking news: Lady Gaga is a dude
Briakna Olson-Carr
Contributor
Yes, ladies and gents, it's the truth you are
reading.
Lady Gaga, or, Stefani Joanne Angelina
Germanott, the "woman" who has been providing your parties with synth dance beats and
suggestive lyrics about folks who take pictures,
wholesome card games, and a relationship
gone bad... is a man. There have been copious
amounts of in-depth research concerning Lady
Gaga's true sex, including two very resourceful clubbers in their mid-twenties, an elderly
garbage man and a bunch of teenage bloggers.
This journey began when Lady Gaga first
became big in August of 2008. One of her former peers from New York University's Tisch
School of the Arts, Rich Kidd, said, "Yeah,
she's always been, you know...super weird.
But she found a way to make money being
super weird, so.. .1 guess that's the dream."
Super weird, indeed. There is evidence of
her "super weirdness" in high school at Convent for the Sacred Heart, a Roman Catholic
school. No wonder she was so weird, in such
a repressive environment.
An interview with Paris Hilton, one of
Gaga's former classmates at Sacred Heart,
revealed much we didn't know about the pop
star.
"She was like, you know, freaky, but like,
in a hot way," Hilton said. "Like, she'd come to
school with yellow and black lipstick and I'd be
like, 'Uhh.. .Stef, that's not hot. You look like a
bumble bee landed on your lips!' But now she,
you know, rocks it. And that's hot."
After getting an extremely thorough background with those two sources, 1 sought to
know more about the singer/songwriter. After
being turned down for an interview by Lady
Gaga's parents numerous times, 1 decided for
a more direct approach: the Lady herself.
Unfortunately pop idols tend to have lots
of large men around to protect them: a species
called "body guards." Lady Gaga's particular
following includes seven large men with names
like Doc, Grumpy, Bashful and Sneezy. I came
to a club called The Hundred Acre Wood to talk
to her, but I kept getting "bounced" away from
the pop star.
As I lost hope and was about to leave the
club, 1 saw two ladies slip out from the protection of the seven guards. They introduced
themselves to me as Drizzle and Pop. I asked
them how they knew Gaga. Drizzle claimed
to have known her for a couple of hours. "Oh
maaa goodness, she's like, the best, you know?
Like, ahhhh I can't believe I'm here! She spoke
to me and we totally hit it off."
Pop was a little more intoxicated than her
companion Drizzle, and I asked her the big
question: Is Lady Gaga actually a man? "Well,
yeah! She's got dude stuff!"
After my breakthrough in investigative
reporting at The Hundred Acre Wood, I decided
to get more evidence. I went to a spot most
frequented by Lady Gaga- her house. It was
5:00 AM and I saw a garbage man coming out
of one of her many driveways glittering with
red rubies.
'He seemed to be carrying a golden basket,
which he informed me is what the big stars use
to toss out their rubbish.
"Yeah, I've seen her a couple times, and
you can really know a lot from a person's junk,"
he said. " I'd say with Miss Gaga...probably
a 50 percent chance she's a man. Now that's
just an estimate." This breakthrough was the
biggest yet. In Lady Gaga's garbage I found lots
of ripped men's clothing with letters that were
signed by a man named Speedy. Speedy was a
man Lady Gaga was rumored to date and they
could have been his clothes she threw out. Or
maybe she's actually a man and he found out
and now they've broken up! From the evidence,
the latter is more convincing.
After consulting youth celebrity bloggers
who all claim Lady Gaga is a man, the case has
been solved. Perhaps you should call her "Sir
Gaga," now.
Zombie Rights Association demands BRAINS!
Dave Madsen
News Editor
Since the spread of the highly-
infectious zombie disease known
as "Solanum" in the fall of 2009,
the Minneapolis community has
been forced to embrace the undead
community.
While the majority of the
city's initial response was one of
disgust, many progressive institutions are now aiming to give the
walking dead equal opportunities
for education and employment.
Last Wednesday, during an executive board meeting, President
Pribbenow announced his plan to
integrate the living dead community into Augsburg College.
"For too long have we been
ignorant to the needs of ourzombi-
fied brothers and sisters," Pribbenow said. "As an urban institution
that purports a campus of intentional diversity, we must be more
sensitive to serve zombiekind."
Michael Grewe, the recently-
infected Staff Director of the
Zombie Rights Association (ZRA)
and Assistant Director of Campus
Activities and Orientation (CAO),
commented on the fact that Augsburg is simply not equipped to
handle the living dead community.
Grewe stated that, in order
for the campus to function as
"successfully sensitive," faculty
and staff must provide adequate
support systems for the zombie
community.
To make incoming first-year
zombies feel more welcome,
Grewe proposed the construction
of Romero Hall, an isolated dormitory that strongly resembles a
haunted mansion. Along with the
separate housing facility, Grewe
also suggested a separate meal
plan for infected students. Danny
Nguyen, the operations manager for Dining Services, opposed
Grewe's proposition as he refused
to install a "Brain Bar" next to the
cafeteria's deli station. Grewe then
proceeded to devour President
Pribbenow's right forearm.
In addition to refining the
school's mission into a less life-
centric statement, many academic
departments are being forced to
adapt a more zombie-friendly curriculum. For example, the biology
department will now place less of
an emphasis on sustainable ecosystems and devote more attention
to decomposing human anatomy.
"It's an exciting time for us,"
chair of the biology department
Dale C. Pederson said. "We can
finally [dissect] a live human
specimen without being concerned
with ethics."
During the spring semester
of the 2010-2011 academic year,
the Psychology department will
offer a class titled, "Aim for the
head: Understanding the Undead
Brain." Lisa Jack, the professor
of PSY 295, explained that the
course will be a "comprehensive
survey of zombie thought." In addition to observing zombiekind's
compulsion to inhabit shopping
malls, students in the course will
attempt to examine a zombiekind's
implications in the realm of Pav-
lovian conditioning.
Working closely with the
ZRA, the Social Work department
is offering many opportunities for
students to engage the undead
community. While retaining the
department's philosophy of working directly with clients, the curriculum must now incorporate an
individual's life status in addition
to his/her race, class, gender, culture, sexual orientation, disability
and age group.
"I think the traditional approach of engaging the living
dead community is incredibly ignorant," Professor Annette Gerten
said. "The zombie community
should be welcomed with open
arms, not sawed-off shotguns."
Associate Professor and Chair
of Art Department Robert Tom
was thrilled when he heard that
Augsburg was becoming zombie
friendly. Since the 2009 's city-
wide pandemic, zombie artists
in the Cedar-Riverside area have
been experimenting in works
resembling Jackson Pollock and
other Abstract expressionists.
"With the excess plasma
ZOMBIE continues page 2 ►
Ipcoming
Augsburg
71 Events
HACKY SACK CLUB
Friday, February 31
InitationMatch
That's right friends, spring is here!
Join us as we get the heck out of
the student lounge and migrate
to the beautiful outdoors to have
intense, week-long hacky sack
tournaments.
12:00a.m. - 12:00p.m.
The Quad
ACR
Saturday, April 3
Anti-Immigration Forum
Join us to have an open-
minded discussion on issues of
undocumented zombies and how
Augsburg is handing them seats
that should be given to living, U.S.
citizens.
3:00p.m. - 4:00p.m.
Rs Resource Center
CCHP
Monday, April 5
All-inclusive Stress Relief
CCHP recognized the need for
students, zombies, Rs, faculty,
stalf, and other variables to find a
place to talk about their respective,
highly precise role on campus.
Join for a session of massage chair
discussions.
3:00p.m. -4:00p.m.
Rs Resource Center
Echo