You’re White Now; What’s The Problem?

There are slurs about a wide range of ethnics, especially poverty-stricken ethnics. There are also endless jokes about women and men; the old, flabby and obsessively fit; gays and straights; country bumpkins and city slickers.

White people are the sole group that raises nary a chuckle at comedy clubs. Brilliantly filling that gap is a Web site titled, “Stuff White People Like.”

On the sunny side of the white street, everybody loves This American Life, Democracy Now and Fresh Air.

Lesser known and crossing political lines is the importance of dinner parties for wealthy whites: Though many would have you believe that white people come of age at Summer Camp, it’s simply not the truth. Immediately following graduation but prior to renovating a house, white people take their first step from childhood to maturity by hosting a successful dinner party.

Let the times good roll, white version, image via Stuff White People Like

Normally if someone were to wake up at 7:00 in the morning, take the day off work, and get drunk at a bar before 10:00 a.m., they would be called an alcoholic, and not in the artistic, edgy way that white people are so fond of.

On March 17th, however, this exact same activity is called celebrating St. Patrick’s Day. This very special white holiday recognizes Saint Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland who helped to bring Catholicism to the Emerald Isle. His ascetic life is celebrated every year by white people drinking large amounts of Irish-themed alcohol and listening to the Dropkick Murphys.

It is also the day of the year when you can make the most gains in your social and professional relationship with white people.

Most of the time, white people consider celebrations of European heritage to be racist unless they omit large swathes of the 16th through 20th centuries. But since the Irish never engaged in colonialism and were actually oppressed it is considered acceptable and encouraged to celebrate their ancestry. For this reason, 100% of white people are proud to claim that they are somewhat Irish.

A big part of St. Patrick’s Day is having white people feel particularly upset at the oppression of their ancestors that has in no way trickled down to them. If you find yourself talking with a white person who tells you about how their great grandfather was oppressed by both the English and the Americans, it is strongly recommended that you lend a sympathetic ear and shake your head in disbelief. It is never considered acceptable to say: “But you’re white now, so what’s the problem?”