Tuesday, March 27, 2012

This is the happiest anyone has ever
looked while wearing an Oilers jersey.

This Sunday is one of the biggest days on sports calendar, assuming you're willing to be generous with your definition of "sports". That's because it's time for another installment of Wrestlemania, the annual pay-per-view event that features the very best that the fine folks at World Wrestling Entertainment have to offer.

OK, Wrestlemania may not for everyone. But even if you're not a fan of professional wrestling, the overwhelming hype for each year's production can be hard to avoid. So if you're a hockey fan who's wondering what all the fuss is about, here's a quick guide to get you up to speed on the similarities and differences between Wrestlemania and the NHL.

Wrestlemania: If you see somebody wearing a sparkly silver jacket that spells out their name in bright flashing lights, you'll know that Chris Jericho has arrived for his match.NHL: If you see somebody wearing a sparkly silver jacket that spells out their name in bright flashing lights, you'll know that Don Cherry has decided to wear something conservative that night.

Wrestlemania: If the crowd yells "What?" every time a person tries to speak, it's because they are using a traditional wrestling chant to attempt to interfere with the villain's train of thought.NHL: If the crowd yells "What?" every time a person tries to speak, it's because the referee is announcing the results of the instant replay review using one of those microphones the league bought at Radio Shack in 1983.

Wrestlemania: The fans know that the fights are planned out well in advance, although everyone involved makes an effort to pretend that they're spontaneous and real.NHL: John Tortorella and Peter DeBoer have no idea why everyone is staring at them right now.

Wrestlemania: The athletes can often be heard using catchphrases such as "Do you smell what The Rock is cooking" and "I am the Ayatollah of Rock-and-rollah".NHL: The athletes can often be heard using catchphrases such as "We just have to take it one game at a time" and "Like I said, we just have to take it one game at a time".Wrestlemania: Fans will occasionally scream in frustration when an obvious infraction goes unpunished despite it happening right in front of a referee.NHL: Don’t be silly. That won't happen until the playoffs start in two weeks.

Wrestlemania: The three hours that you have to sit through before you get to the main event is known as "the undercard".NHL: The three hours that you have to sit through before you get to the main event is known as "the national anthem at an Ottawa Senators game".

Wrestlemania: "19-0" is a reference to the Undertaker's record in Wrestlemania matches over the course of his career.NHL: "19-0" is a reference to Milan Lucic's record in fights against Mike Komisarek.

Wrestlemania: The head of the organization is the villainous Vince McMahon, and his mere appearance or a mention of his name will often cause the crowd to erupt with boos, threats and personal insults.NHL: Gary Bettman has asked Vince McMahon for tips on how he got so popular.

Wrestlemania: "You Can't See Me" is main event star John Cena's patented catchphrase.NHL: "You Can't See Me" is the legal disclaimer printed on all Montreal Canadiens playoff tickets.

Wrestlemania: Zack Ryder, who proudly bills himself as being from Long Island, will be making an appearance in the ring.NHL: Nobody from Long Island has managed to get anywhere close to a ring in decades.

Wrestlemania: "Go To Sleep" is the name of the finishing move of the reigning WWE Champion, CM Punk.NHL: "Go To Sleep" was the league's official marketing slogan for the decade after the New Jersey Devils won their first Stanley Cup in 1995.

Wrestlemania: If you suddenly see flames everywhere, you'll know that wrestler Kane is about to make his entrance.NHL: If you suddenly see Flames everywhere, you'll know that you fell asleep for a few weeks and woke up during the World Championships.

Wrestlemania: John Laurinaitis plays the role of the obnoxious general manager who constantly belittles everyone around him in an attempt to keep his job.NHL: Gosh, no idea what that would be like, mutters the Toronto media.

Wrestlemania: If you see someone dramatically remove their elbow pad and toss it into the crowd, you are about to witness The Rock perform a move known as "The People's Elbow".NHL: If you see someone dramatically remove their elbow pad and toss it into the crowd, you should tell Duncan Keith that he might want to try being a little more subtle next time.

The reason why Tuesdays and Saturdays are the best days of the week... Of course, I really thought the punchline for if you suddenly see flames everywhere would be that it meant a Canadian team had just been eliminated from the playoffs so its fans were rioting.

Wrestlemania: Commentator Michael Cole gets very upset every time on of the good guys break the rules, altough he defends or completely ignores it whenever one of the bad guys do something far more worse.NHL: Commentator Jack Edwards gets very upset every time on of the opponents break the rules, altough he defends or completely ignores it whenever one of the Bruins do something far more worse.

Wrestlemania: Fans will occasionally scream in frustration when an obvious infraction goes unpunished despite it happening right in front of a referee.NHL: Don’t be silly. That won't happen until the playoffs start in two weeks.

ps-thanks for confirming the stereotype of every Canucks fan and player of being whining, diving, crybabies. Seriously, just cause your coach looks a little like Gordon Bombay doesn't mean you have to follow his strategies.

pps-you're so obviously trying to trick and abuse the officials into calling the game in your favour, it's no wonder no one actually cares anymore what happens to your players.

Labelling Canucks fans of being "whining, diving, crybabies" because of your experiences on the internet is stupid. Yes, the riot was embarassing, but it wasn't just Canucks fans that started it. Dumb people get caught up in the mob mentality and then make a whole city (and fanbase) look bad.

By the way, if you were even watching the final with an unbiased view, you would know that the reffing was atrocious. Did the Canucks' players dive? Yes. But they wouldn't have taken it to the extremes if the refs did their job and did not let the Bruins to do whatever they wanted. Daniel gets a misconduct for getting speed-bagged by Marchand because he asked the ref how many punches the ref would allow before calling a penalty .... I mean come on!

I'm not even a Canucks fan but I was rooting for them in the final. If your team did the same things that the Canucks did, would you call them crybabies? I wouldn't if it was my team. I wish my team made it that far. I wish my team had a Luongo lol.

Also, what's with this whole "the Canucks are the most hated team in the world crap?" When is it going to end? The media just ran with this label and now it's set in stone. I honestly thought that most teams hated Boston. At least I do.

1. It has nothing to do with the internet. Watching the games shows you everything you need to know.

2. You mean Dumb people wearing Canucks jerseys? I gottcha.

3. Unbiased view? Like yours you mean?4. Did you just give excuses for why and when diving is ok? Ok.5. You're Not a Canucks fan!!! Never thought it for a minute. 6. If my team embelished every hit, pulled the other teams hair, kneed them in the balls, refused to fight 4th liners and bit them you mean? They would not be my team. Even if I lived in that city. I would be embarrased to even call them my team! I would start rooting for Columbus.7. You wish your team had a Luongo? Is that like one of those Japanese toilets that warm your butt and shoots water up your anus?8. Please see #6 above. After removing your head from your posterior. The media actually didn't create this story, they ran with it because they gauged the sentiment correctly.9. It's not set in stone. It will end. Just as soon as the Canucks stop being douchbags.10. I used to hate the Bruins, sure. But do you know how dirty we all fealt rooting for them? I didn't think so.

Wrestlemania: Wrestlers will pretend to be injured much more than they actually are for the sake of the crowd.NHL: Players will pretend to be injured much more than they actually are for the sake of the referees.

I started cracking up (and it's not easy to get me to laugh out loud like that) when I read the one about the microphone from 1983 (because it's so true). You would think that a huge industry that is followed by millions of fans in two different countries would be able to afford working microphones.

Wrestlemania: Sometimes a long-time villian will act nobly for a while, winning friends, whom he will betray during the main event in a dramatic heel turn.NHL: Why is everyone staring at Matt Cooke all of a sudden?