Every now and then, when I notice that a terrible match has looked at my profile, I like to take a look at their profiles and questions, just to amuse myself. Or sometimes to feel superior. So I checked out this dude:

Now, normally, I don’t include pictures, but here, it’s pretty important. Take a good look. It’ll be on the quiz later.

So, in the first few sentences of his profile, this guy claims to be a geek. Also, I should mention that he answers in a few of his questions that religion and God are important to him.

While he only comes up as about 45% enemy, I’ve never seen so many pages of unmatched answers. Let’s take a look, and remember: geeky, religious, and that’s his picture:

Which of the following best describes Science, in your opinion?

Hello? Like totally boring, dude.

(Okay, so he’s not a SCIENCE geek)

Which is longer, a mile or a kilometer?

I don’t know!

(And not a math/fact geek…my answer was also red, so he also doesn’t want me to know!)

Would the idea of a quiet evening sitting together reading books ever appeal to you?

No.

Yes.

(Not a book/literary geek either, and I also can’t be one) How important is it that your partner be willing and able to participate in meaningful philosophical conversations?Not at all important.(My answer of “extremely important” is also red, so philosophical discussions aren’t his thing, and can’t be mine)Star Trek: cool or uncool?

Uncool

Cool

(Dude, what the hell kind of geek are you?)

Does he cosplay, or want to? No. Is he left or right brained? Too much brain talk! Boardgames? Meh. Academic achievements? Not important. Significant other having a graduate level education? Unacceptable (I get this a lot, and not just from guys who only finished high school. Plenty of guys who went to college don’t want to date someone who has a graduate degree. Really?) What does the “wherefore” in “Wherefore art thou Romeo” mean? Where. This takes 5 SECONDS to google. And less to skip the question. Would the world be a better place if people with low IQs weren’t allowed to reproduce? Yes. Well, dude, you might not be allowed to have kids, then. And…

Have you ever spent more than 8 hours straight playing video games?

Yes

No.

Dingdingding! This must be what makes him geeky! And it is completely unacceptable if the person he dates is another kind of geek! Also, is it just me, or are video games a big enough part of popular culture that we can’t consider all gamers to be geeks automatically?

Now, I can’t tell if he really is this specific about what he DOESN’T want in a significant other, or if he didn’t really understand how the questions work, and that you can accept answers besides your own. Either way, that might explain his answer to this question:

Have you been faithful in all of your past relationships?

I haven’t had a past relationship.

Yes.

(Is he objecting to that fact that I’ve been faithful??? Okay, now remember that he’s religious again…)

The idea of gay and lesbian couples having children is:

Not acceptable.

(Blarg, but not surprising)

Gay marriage—should it be legal?

No civil union is good enough

(I wasn’t surprised by the answer, but the commentary just adds to how much I cringed)

Straight women who kiss or fondle each other in clubs in the hopes of attracting men are…

Just having some girlish fun.

(Ohhhhhh, I get it. You think that it’s morally wrong to BE gay, but it’s absolutely charming to PRETEND to be gay for ATTENTION!)

Overall, do you think that what you do (or plan to do) for a living makes the world a better or worse place?

No impact.

Better.

(Okay, I kind of assumed that anyone who considers himself to be religious or spiritual or even moral would be completely on board with dating someone who believes that what they do is good for the world, but…I’m agnostic, so, maybe I’m confused about what morality is?)

Do you think women have an obligation to keep their legs shaved?

Yes

(Now I’ve read the ten commandments several times, and I don’t remember “Thou shalt not keep thyne womanly legs hairy!” being in there)

Commitment to personal growth is:

Sort of important

Critically important.

(I mean, you should grow, but not TOO damn much. It makes the rest of us look bad if you try to do that)

Now, take a few seconds to scroll back up and get a good look at that picture. Did you do it? Good.

How would you describe your body?

Slender

(Um..not sure that’s the word I’d use. Now, the closest on that list for me is “voluptuous”, which I chose, and which he thinks is unacceptable. But it gets better)

Can overweight people still be sexy?

No

Yes

(Ah. You’ll notice that this is the only time his answer’s in red, and mine isn’t. So…overweight MEN – i.e., he – can be sexy, or he wants you to think so, but he does not extend the same courtesy.)

Do overweight people annoy you?

Yes Obese people

(I don’t hate ALL fat people, just the ones who are fatter than I am!!! Or, I have a lot of self-hatred)

And now for some random inconsistency:

Other things being equal, would you be more attracted to an artist or a scientist?

Artist

Scientist

(Now, since I’m already a bit of an artsy type, I’d rather date some who isn’t, so that I can get a bit of balance. His answer here isn’t the problem yet)

Are you an aspiring actor/artist/writer or other creative type?

No

Yes

(I…what? I can’t figure out what the hell you want, dude, but you seem awfully choosy about whatever inconsistent thing it is!)

Sometimes, after looking through profiles like this, I want to give up on online dating altogether. It’s fine if people want to be too lazy for the intelligence/knowledge questions, but at least don’t parade yourself as a smart person. And what is with all the homophobic guys who still love to watch straight girls make out? Why is THIS okay to them? And then there’s the fat thing. Now, as a fat person, I pay attention to these questions. If a guy answers that he doesn’t find fat people attractive, I don’t message him. Seems pretty logical. I used not message them even if they said they would only rule women out “if they were obese”, because, based on the medical definition, I am. But then I realized that plenty of guys who answered it that way were messaging me, so apparently I must be passing as “overweight”. And here’s the other thing. Yes, I’m mostly attracted to skinny dudes. Anyone who’s met my past boyfriends could figure this out. But it would be super hypocritical of me to be like, “nope, fat people are all hideous and unsexy”, and it’s just not true, anyway. I think a ton of larger women are very attractive: Queen Latifah, Adele, Melissa McCarthy, etc. And there are some overweight dudes out there who are, too. Honestly, I stopped being bothered by the amount of guys out there who answer “no” for a lot of those questions. But for some reason, it really ticks me off when this guy, who is obviously not “slender”, answers in SEVERAL questions that he does not like fat people. That’s like if I said I was a terrible speller, but that it really bothered me when other people spelled stuff wrong. If I “rarely” remember to conserve electricity, I’m not going to yell at someone else for forgetting just as often as I do. Sometimes I want to punch some of these people in the face, and it’s a really good thing that the internet has not invented this feature yet. There would be a LOT of bruises out there.