Mentoring: Taking time to care in Burlington

Some of Burlington's most innovative business people find 52 out of the thousands of hours each year to mentor local youths. Now, Mobius is launching a new marketing campaign to find more such leaders.

Mobius mentor Ken Millman (right) smiles as Aaron Meacham Jr., 14, tells a story about their time together during a recent visit at Meacham's home in Williston. / EMILY McMANAMY, Free Press

Written by

Dan D’Ambrosio

Free Press Staff Writer

When Ken Millman and his co-workers picked Mobius last year to receive $50,000 worth of pro bono work from his Burlington agency, Spike Advertising, he said he wanted to walk the talk himself.

Mobius, founded in 2003, works with 19 nonprofit programs in Chittenden County, finding mentors for children as young as 5 years old, and young adults up to 22 years old. It has more than doubled the number of mentors available to those agencies to about 900, but there’s still a long way to go to meet the demand, especially for male mentors, according to Andrea Torello, executive director of Mobius.

“There’s always a waiting list,” Torello said in a recent interview. “We estimate there are 3,000 children who would like to have a mentor. We’re a third of the way to where we would like to be.”

Roughly two-thirds of the mentors Mobius recruits are women, while one-third are men. Torello would like to bring that ratio to 50/50, despite the fact that the children seeking mentors are weighted in exactly the opposite way — about two-thirds are boys and one-third are girls.

Male mentors are only matched with boys, and female mentors are only matched with girls, meaning Mobius actually needs more male than female mentors. But realistically, Torello said getting to an equal balance of men vs. women mentors would be a victory.

Two peas in a pod

Millman, 53, is doing his part to bridge the gap. True to his word, he became a mentor a year ago 14-year-old Aaron Meacham Jr., who by all accounts is now getting ready to enter high school in much better shape, emotionally and academically, than he was in when Millman began hanging out with him, according to Dee Johnson, mentoring coordinator at Spectrum Youth & Family Services in Burlington.

“His school counselor said he has benefited significantly from his relationship with Ken,” Johnson said. “His self-esteem, academic performance, social skills and peer relations have all increased dramatically on the measurement scale counselors use.”

Meacham and his mother, Tina Giroux, confirmed Johnson’s assessment — and then some — last week in an interview at their home across from Shaw’s in Williston, where Giroux works.

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“When we first met Ken it was like two peas in a pod, they were like brothers,” Giroux said. “I was so excited. I told my mom, ‘You should have seen Ken and Aaron. You would think they were buddies for a lifetime.’”

Meacham said he knew right away when he met Millman that it was going to work.

“Well I guess he’s somebody I could get along with, somebody I could talk about things in school that I don’t normally talk about,” Meacham said. “Kind of instantly as soon as I met him I knew he was a person I couldn’t easily relate to.”

For his part, Millman appreciated Meacham’s slightly acerbic sense of humor, which matched his own, and the boy’s remarkably sophisticated thoughts about subjects as wide-ranging as politics and professional wrestling.

“Aaron is not your typical 14-year-old,” Millman said. “That’s why we’re going to keep doing this. Quite frankly, it feels really good to give, but I also like to get. When I’m with Aaron there’s a free exchange of thoughts and ideas. There’s no pressure, there’s no judging, there’s just sharing. It doesn’t matter what we do. It’s not about that really.”

Millman said he and Meacham come up with ideas for movies, videos and commercials, and yes, they even talk politics.

“I guess it’s helpful that we agree politically,” he added.

Giroux, 41, said she began looking for a mentor for her son because his father, from whom she is divorced, is not in his life. Giroux has full custody.

“His father was never around, he needed somebody,” Giroux said.

Men wanted

Toward the end of last year, Jane’s Trust, a philanthropic organization established in Boston after the death of Jane Cook in 2002, awarded Mobius $80,000 to recruit male mentors. The grant came after a lot of legwork by Mobius that fell into place so neatly Torello feels today it was meant to be.

Mobius first approached Jane’s Trust three years ago with a “three-tier plan,” Torello said, to increase the number of male mentors by doing research, creating a marketing campaign, and then implementing that campaign. Jane’s Trust told Mobius they didn’t support research or marketing, but if those two pieces were in place, they would consider paying for the implementation.

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Americorps provided the funding for the research, which was carried out with the help of Mobius board member Toby Knox, who owns a market research company in Shelburne.

“The focus of the research was to find out what the barriers are to men becoming mentors,” Knox said.

Knox has been a reading mentor himself at the Shelburne Community School for seven years, and believes strongly in the mentoring concept.

“I’ve read to four young boys over that time, some of whom needed more assistance with reading than others,” Knox said. “I think just helping them to both learn how to read and how to appreciate the benefits of reading has been rewarding. Plus it’s fun. It is not difficult.”

Knox designed a research campaign that included focus groups, an online survey of the 19 organizations Mobius works with to match mentors to mentees, and so-called “intercepts” — essentially flagging men down on Church Street and talking to them about mentoring.

The first barrier to mentoring among men the research identified was a reluctance to get involved with a kid who is a “juvenile delinquent.” Many men weren’t sure they could save a troubled youth.

Knox knew this first concern was off the mark.

“You’re not out to save the soul of some troubled kid,” he said. “The objective is to provide another caring adult in a kid’s life, have a good time, and give them an opportunity they might not otherwise have because of economics, culture or home life.”

Another barrier identified by the research was the time commitment required — a minimum of one hour weekly.

“There’s the feeling of ‘Oh I’m so busy, I can’t do this,’” Knox said. “Well, there are over 8,700 hours in a year. I did the math. I’m sure almost anyone can fit 52 hours into their schedule to help a kid where there will be such benefit.”

A third barrier was the fact that many men simply don’t believe they have what it takes to be a mentor. Knox likes to tell the story of former University of Vermont men’s basketball coach Tom Brennan to illustrate the basic misunderstanding of mentoring that concern shows.

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Andrea Torello asked Brennan several years ago to be a spokesman for mentoring in Vermont. Brennan coached the UVM basketball team for 19 years, from 1986 to 2005, taking them to the NCAA tournament the last three years he was head coach.

“When Andrea approached him he said ‘Yeah sure, I’m happy to do it, but I’ve never been a mentor,’” Knox said. “She looked at him and laughed. ‘What do you mean you’ve never been a mentor? Look at all the young men you’ve mentored over the years.’”

With the research in their pocket, Mobius next needed a marketing campaign, which Spike Advertising conveniently provided when they offered to do the campaign pro bono. With the two legs of the stool in place that Jane’s Trust required before they got involved, the way was cleared for the $80,000 grant.

A match made in conversation

Dee Johnson said school counselors, where she gets many of her recommendations for mentees, complete forms that rate the children from 1 to 10 in a variety of areas, including academic performance, self-esteem and attendance at school.

“Usually the lowest mark is self-esteem for whatever reason,” Johnson said. “Some are refugees, some are from single-parent homes, or there are a number of kids. It just gets tough if you have a full-time job with four or five kids, especially when they’re teens. Communication often is not a forte for teens.”

Getting the mentor-mentee match right is critical, which is why Johnson and others in her position do extensive interviews with both. Johnson spent her career in HR, where interviews were her stock in trade. She found over the years that a sense of humor, or lack thereof, is often a good indicator of who will match up well.

“I throw out some stuff to see how kids will react,” Johnson said. “I don’t have a set agenda, but if I try to joke and get a blank stare, then OK, I’m not going there. I try to find things that perk them up. Tell me about the kind of person you like to hang out with. Tell me what you think is funny. Those are bigger indicators than ‘Would you like somebody to help you with your homework?’”

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On the mentor side, Torello is careful to draw bright lines concerning what a mentor is, and what a mentor is not.

“They have to sent boundaries,” Torello said. “In our training we’re very clear a mentor is not a counselor, is not a parent, is not a teacher. A mentor is another caring adult in your life who’s going to be there for you. But it’s really important there’s boundaries around the relationship.”

Nobody home

Heather Thibault, director of human resources at Heritage Aviation in South Burlington, ran up against some boundaries with the 9-year-old girl she started mentoring last year, including the day the girl’s little sister decided to join her.

“I pulled up in the driveway and her little sister came out with her coat on,” Thibault said. “My mentee asked if she could come along.”

Thibault was planning an arts and crafts session for Christmas, along with baking cookies, and she didn’t have the heart to refuse the little sister, but it did create complications.

“I had no problem with either of them, but I know the point is for my mentee to have some one-on-one time with a mentor,” Thibault said. “Her younger sister wanted a mentor, but they’re just not in abundance.”

As she neared the end of her one-year commitment to her mentee in May, Thibault was looking forward to a long-term relationship. She intended to watch her mentee graduate from high school.

“I was completely ignoring this one-year commitment, do this for one year and get out,” Thibault said.

As it turned out, though, that wasn’t up to her. Suddenly in March, her mentee was no longer available. The mentoring agreement, signed by the parent and Thibault, had been to pick her mentee up every Sunday at 11 a.m. for one year.

“Toward the end I’d show up and no one was home,” Thibault said. “No one would answer the phone.”

Thibault would wait half an hour for her mentee to show up, but then would eventually leave. She emailed the Boys and Girls Club, the agency dealing with her mentee, to let them know what was going on. Their phone calls to the mother went unanswered as well. This went on for a couple of months before Thibault asked to be matched with another mentee. The Boys and Girls Club agreed that was a good idea.

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“The difficult part is that you have no control,” Thibault said. “You really don’t get a say, nor is it any of your business, but you hear things and you know what’s going on in the home. It pulls at your heart. For example, her father was in jail, so you know, the phone would be disconnected when I tried to call.”

Still, Thibault wondered what she had done wrong. Her mentee seemed happy during their time together. After a few awkward initial meetings, the girl had turned into a chatterbox, even registering her disgust when they drove past her “ex-boyfriend” one day, and confiding to Thibault, much to Thibault’s amusement, that he had “cheated on her.”

After visiting Heritage, where Thibault works, her mentee had begun to talk about a career in aviation, along with veterinarian and doctor. When she was on school vacation, she would call Thibault to see if she wanted to get together twice, or on a different day.

But there were other signals as well.

“My mentee did make a few comments a couple of times about her mom saying I was rich,” Thibault said. “There might have been a little animosity there.”

Thibault had hoped to see her mentee graduate from high school. Now she won’t even have an exit interview with her at the Boys and Girls Club. So she’s writing her a card that the Boys and Girls Club will mail to her.

“It will talk about how I’m grateful for the good times, and how I enjoyed spending time with her so she knows she didn’t do anything wrong,” Thibault said.

Just be yourself

Fortunately for Ken Millman, spending the past year as a mentor has not brought the difficulties that Thibault faced toward the end of her mentorship, but instead has proven to him that all the research Mobius did on mentoring, and what it is and what it isn’t, was right on target.

“For me, the totally happy ending to the story is the stuff the research was telling us and the stuff our campaign eventually landed on as primary messages, proved true,” Millman said. “You don’t have to be a rock star, you don’t have to be a rich businessman, you don’t have to be a male model. You just have to be yourself.”

Millman points to a guitar and amplifier sitting behind Aaron Meacham in his mother’s apartment. Meacham strokes his white cat, William, and rocks the foot stool at his feet rhythmically back and forth.

“He’s really into music,” Millman says of his mentee. “Next thing I know his mom goes on Craig’s list and buys him a guitar. The kid is teaching himself guitar, and you know what? He’s good. I’m not going to say gifted. That’s ridiculous. But he’s a bright talented kid. To see that before your eyes — wow — there’s a person coming out here.”