Monday, 26 March 2012

Lift Tetris

As we approach winter, one aspect of life is going to get a lot easier, LIFT TETRIS.

What is it?

Well, have you ever been the 3rd last in to a packed lift and then on the next floor more people push on in and you have to make room? This is lift Tetris.

Otherwise known as OMG IM LIKE A SARDINE, GET YOUR BRINE OFF ME!!! Or the I want to tell you to get your hand OFF my ass, but I know it wouldn’t help. Seriously, stop groping my ass!

Pretty harsh in summer, the lift Tetris can get stinky, sticky and usually very sweaty as more people push on in without thinking about others AT ALL.

So there you are, you’re in, there is a little room to move, everyone is happy.....Then the guy hops in, pushes in, really. He expects everyone to move for him like this is HIS world. So just like Tetris bricks, you all shuffle around, get cosy and share each others personal fragrance.

Lifts didn’t ALWAYS be this awkward, did they?

NO, no they did not. Many years ago, lift technology was not as cutting edge as it is today, depending on how far back you go in lift history, there also has been HUMAN OPERATORS whom of would actually announce what floor you were arriving on, what was on that floor and thank you for getting on or off.

I am old enough to remember these times, I’m old enough to remember when those times died and gave way to the “cold lift universe”, when companies realised this was a HUGE waste of money and resources and then, the musical lift was born.

Oh, I LOVE this song.

This is a triumph! Oh, how I miss ELEVATOR MUSIC.

Before lifts became super “OMFGIthinkIjustlostmylunchthatwassofast” fast, there was elevator music. It wasn’t top 40, bottom 40....well, it was just elevator music. Kind of like instrumental lounge music on repeat, but I tell you what, it stopped that awkward “I feel like I need to talk” feeling and you could fart and no one would hear you (unless it was a 6.2 magnitude fart, really), now you just have to blame it on someone else.

Five super fun things to do while in a lift (ride up and down and switch lifts in a major shopping centre for this to be effective):

5 Randomly sniff people and in a very Silence of the Lambs voice state “Hello Clarisse, you smell very pretty today, even prettier than yesterday”.

4 Dress like cave men, have a stuffed animal in the lift and pretend to be scared of it, backing up against the lift wall, scratching at the glass and acting all crazy-like.

3 dress as all of the members of the Justice League and pretend to be on secret Justice League business, turning people away from the lift, having your Batman stating “Official Justice League business, you will have to use the other lift” in his most bad ass Batman gruff voice.

2 Everyone dress and act like zombies, and every time a non zombie gets in, put your hands all over them and drool, moan etc.

1 Get a bunch of Storm Troopers together and 2 Jedi’s, have the Jedi stand at the front of the lift and wave a hand at anyone wanting to get in “This is not the lift you’re looking for”.