Post by baza on Feb 2, 2019 17:30:39 GMT -5

It is May 12th 2016 Sister elle .And you write this -"First post. I have finally taken the plunge into admitting that ILIASM. We are 15+ years in. Frequency was never great - it started at every 3-4 weeks, then grew to once every 2 months, 4 months, you get the idea. We're on an 8 month drought now with no signs of it ending. He's a functional alcoholic and I think alcohol kills his libido, even when he doesn't drink every night. I think he's also depressed but when I have suggested that, he just gets mad. Enough of the backstory. Suffice to say, I've been unhappy for many, many years, finally began asking him to work on it with me about 4 years ago. We went to counseling - he quit after a few sessions, saying therapy is not for him. And we have never gone back. He's emotionally unavailable. Blah, blah, blah. Most of you can probably fill in the blanks. It's a pretty typical storyline. He needs help, we need help, but he refuses to take any responsibility. Game over, right?

So, my issue... Since I am still here while I work on my exit plan (I'm still 2 years out - if I have the guts to go through with it), how on earth do I prioritize self-care when I myself have become depressed from the years of emotional neglect and lack of intimacy and the personal attacks on me? He has made me feel about an inch tall and I have let him.

How do I get my self-worth back? How do I start to care about my life again, to feel worthy? How do I have hope again? Please don't say medication. I know I'm depressed, but I also now it's situational. There's no pill that will make my marriage healthy again. What I do need is to eat better, exercise, go places, lift my head up, walk tall, live my life. But I struggle with finding the strength to do that when I live under a black cloud. And when the marriage has robbed me of my self-esteem. Honestly, I think most women struggle with body image - imagine how it feels when your husband won't touch you. Anyone have tips? BTDT?

I'm a decent person. I deserve better than this. But I struggle to believe that some days. Help please.

Now, it's February 3rd 2019 and since May 2016 you have bravely journaled your journey for us, with all its' trials and tribulations.It's an inspirational story Sister, Maybe some newbie happens along soon, writes *their* story......then finds YOUR run of stories elle .What a treasure trove that might be for them.

Post by elle on Feb 2, 2019 18:14:44 GMT -5

baza, funny, I re-read that the other day. I wanted to see how far I’d come. Miles and miles in turns out!!!!

Bottom line: if your marriage consumes you and you obsess over whether you should stay or go, it’s probably plenty bad enough to leave.

For anyone out there who is stuck in indecision, have faith that there is hope on the other side. And not in the form of a better man or woman. I’m single and celibate and sooo much happier than when I was married (and celibate).

I don’t need a man until I want one. I’ll be waiting for the /right/ man this time. Because staying with the wrong person just to avoid being lonely? That’s a recipe for misery. You can and should be happy all on your own. Happiness is an inside job. Now that I have that, I have no doubt that one day there’s an epic relationship waiting for me, if I want it.

Post by elle on Mar 23, 2019 8:27:19 GMT -5

Hi all,I haven’t updated in a while. Life is busy. But in a fulfilling way. In a way filled with hope and newfound joy for life. My ex and I get along well, from a distance. I neither see nor think of him often, which is perfect for me. I don’t miss him. At all. I sometimes miss the illusion of a happy family (that never was) but I don’t miss the reality of what we had. At all. The ex and I text about the kids. We keep up ever so briefly on each other’s lives. And he’s available and willing to come help with such emergencies as broken appliances and such. We co-parent well with minimal communication. Honestly, we are both happier.

My life is now full with work, kids, friends, and fun. I’m embracing being alone because we have to embrace our biggest fears to conquer them. Honestly, I’m learning to cherish the peace and quiet. I’m getting to know myself. And figuring out what I want for the last half of this beautiful life I’ve been blessed with.

I went on one date. I have lots of male friends, online and in real life. I learn so much from them about how men are and about what I might want in a future partner. I’m in no rush. I’m very confident that it will happen when the time is right. I feel no need to date just to date. It’s not my style and I’m not looking for something to fill a void. There is no void. I’m looking for the one who will complement my life. He’s out there. He’ll appear when the time is right.

In short, I’m happy. So much happier and more free than when I was married. Gone is the obsession with whether I should stay or go and whether my marriage was bad enough to leave. It was bad enough. I left and I am so glad I did.

Post by northstarmom on Mar 23, 2019 8:47:35 GMT -5

I love this part of elle’s update: “I feel no need to date just to date. It’s not my style and I’m not looking for something to fill a void. There is no void. I’m looking for the one who will complement my life. He’s out there. He’ll appear when the time is right..”

Post by angeleyes65 on Mar 23, 2019 13:21:18 GMT -5

@ Elle You will get through this. It is hard but so was living like that. No we aren't responsible for how they handle things but we are human these people have been in our lives a long time we share children hard not to care. Also hard not to be manipulated if they are of that nature. And the anxiety, stress and insomnia is not good on our health. So if you aren't in counseling I would get there. Use natural or prescription remedies for anxiety and insomnia. I found something natural that works well. I caution because while I'm older and not in perfect health I was in pretty good health and all the stress contributed to me having a stroke out of the blue. I recovered fine but very scary and I can't change how I handled things then but I'm careful now So just take care of you. Decompress often,know your limits, shut him out when you need to.

Post by shamwow on Mar 26, 2019 7:50:50 GMT -5

Pay attention, kiddos. This is someone who figured out what she wanted, figured out how to do it, and did it.

This is how it is done.

She took her time. To paraphrase baza, she has gotten her shit together. She is interested in a relationship, but isn't dating just to date. It will come in time and she will have a lot less baggage to show for it.

Slow and steady. Drama free (especially important for the kids). Happier today than yesterday. Healthier too, I imagine.

Post by elle on Mar 27, 2019 8:50:31 GMT -5

Aw, well thanks Shammy! You make me blush. It only took me 4 years to get out...

I'm laughing now, but really, I am just super proud of my ultra-marathon exit plan. Honestly, what I went through, the commitment and discipline it took to set myself and my kids up for success makes me quite literally CRY at times. It felt like hell many days, but what I am left with is an awesome career that allows me to support myself and my kids and live a truly blessed life. I am not wealthy and never will be, but I also don't have to beg on the streets or rely on a man to ever support me again. Hallelujah!

My ex and I get along well, now that he is gone from my daily life. I truly believe he did the best he could. His best just wasn't all that great! But I bear no animosity towards him. In some ways, I feel sorry for him. I wish he could examine himself and have a "come to Jesus" moment, but whether he does or not is no longer (and never really was) my problem.

My kids have taken all of this very, very well - in stride I would say. I agree with Shammy that kids are super adaptable and when you tell them what the new normal is, they accept it with very few hiccups and move forward. Especially when there is NO DRAMA from the adults. I speak kindly of my ex to my kids. I remind them not to be around him when he drinks, but I also sing his praises elsewhere (tell them what Dad is good at) and back up his parenting decisions as he does mine. We even eat dinner together as a family from time to time.

And, in other news, one of my awesome guy friends set me up on a coffee date - later this week. I'm excited! This friend has been a trusted confidante through the end of my divorce and is an all around great guy who acts as sort of a protective big brother towards me. I have no doubt that he picked a good one. If nothing else, maybe the setup becomes another guy friend. I have no expectations. I'm just excited to meet someone new and conquer another first - a blind date.

There is so much HOPE here on the other side. If you are tired of what you are getting and have lost all hope, and if no one is benefitting anymore, take control of your life and leap off the cliff. Have faith you can fly!

frednsa: i saw something on the wedding night (in the 60's) should have ended it during the honeymoon. i was played so perfectly. she is so wonderful in almost every other way, so...still wondering...thinking frigidity is a real thing and untreatableAug 29, 2019 12:07:04 GMT -5