Emmitt on the Brink - Season 4: Week 15

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

CONSPIRACY HAS COMMISSIONER OUTRAGED

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Tuesday, Dec. 13, 2016

And here we thought Colt McCoy was just injury-prone.

As you may know by now, Steelers linebacker James Harrison crushed the Cleveland quarterback's ribs with a war hammer during Sunday's contest. To his chagrin, Harrison was whistled for a 15-yard penalty because it was a late hit.

"Good sir, there was no way that was a late hit," Harrison was overheard yelling at the ref who threw the yellow flag. "That was perfectly clean, and if I may remark, you are doing a uninspired job officiating this football match."

Harrison was suspended for one game, but that wasn't the major story to come out of this development. McCoy, who couldn't even breathe because Harrison's war hammer struck him so violently in the rib area, wasn't even evaluated by the medical staff. Head coach Pat Shurmur told McCoy to take the field.

"I don't want any f***ing pansies on my team," Shurmur growled after the game. "Breathing is not important. Winning football games is important, even meaningless ones when you're out of playoff contention. Ha! And now I'm hearing that Colt's dad is once again criticizing me for not sitting his son. Well, his son is a f***ing p***y."

McCoy was hospitalized afterward and kept in the ICU overnight. Shurmur announced that McCoy will likely start next week's contest.

"If that piece-of-s*** loser doesn't play, I'm going to call James Harrison and his awesome war hammer into the hospital to teach that chicken wuss a lesson," Shurmur said.

Shurmur may have to contact Harrison's boss, however. News broke Monday evening that Harrison was actually paid off to slam a war hammer into McCoy's ribs. According to ESPN's Adam Schefter, former receiver Sam Hurd was the one pulling the strings.

Hurd, who sucked so much in the NFL that he had to allegedly resort to selling cocaine and marijuana for a living, reportedly paid Harrison $20 million and five kilos of cat urine.

"I was in the middle of having someone paint a portrait of myself when I got the call," Goodell fumed. "Why would one of the worst receivers in NFL history want McCoy destroyed by a war hammer? Ugh. Now I'm stressing so much that I'm breaking out. My self-portrait is going to look hideous!"

Goodell told the media that he's going to take every necessary step to get to the bottom of this. And by every step, he meant one step, as in calling the Skittle Warriors.

"I brought these guys in for a reason," Goodell said. "They're on NFL payroll to fight crime so that I may spend valuable time enjoying my own awesomeness. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must undress so the artist may finish painting my two-foot manhood. That's right."

We should have word on what the Skittle Warriors discover in this case in the near future. Stay tuned for now.

SKITTLE WARRIORS ARREST SAM HURD

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Friday, Dec. 16, 2016

Who would have thought that the Skittle Warriors would actually come through? They've stopped Sam Hurd's plan to destroy Colt McCoy. And as it turns out, McCoy was just being a responsible role model.

Lt. Anthony Morelli, the Yellow Skittle, was the one who connected the dots.

"Eh yo... haha... uhh... guy was in school and he talk and talk and talk and den other guy come in and he angry! Very angry! Haha, eh yo... and uhh... haha... huh?" Morelli said.

For those of you who need a translator, Morelli revealed that McCoy gave a D.A.R.E. presentation in front of a first-grade class at the local elementary school in an attempt to warn the kids the danger of doing drugs. Video tape archives revealed that Sam Hurd was in the audience.

"We saw Mr. Hurd sitting in the audience, but we didn't think anything of it," said Principal Richard Belding. "Mr. Hurd was a terrible football player, so we assumed he was back in school to get his education. That, or Zach Morris was up to something again. He's always trying to pull a fast one on me, but I've got him right where I want him!"

So, what would Hurd being doing at a first-grade assembly? You may find this hard to believe, but the 6-year-olds are some of Hurd's most valuable clients.

A video tape of an actual drug transaction was brought to us. In it, Hurd is seen exchanging eight kilos of cat urine with first-grader Ike Broflovski for various snacks, including five Kit-Kats, nine Hershey bars and 20 bags of Skittles. As you can imagine, this made the Yellow Skittle very frustrated.

For those of you who need a translator, Lynch revealed that he dressed up as a first-grader to go undercover. To do so, he wore a t-shirt that said, "I'm 6 years old - no, really. Please do not touch me in my no-no special place, Jerry Sandusky!" Hurd approached him within seconds, and we have a taped recording of the transaction:

Sam Hurd: Hey kid, heh, wanna buy some cat urine? Eight pieces of candy for a kilo. And no footballs. I don't know what to do with those things, heh.

Marshawn Lynch: Yeaaahhh. Yeeeaaaahhhhhhh.

Sam Hurd: What do ya got, kid? Snickers? Heh. Milky Way? Heh. My favorites are Skittles, even though they resemble footballs. That game never made too much sense to me, heh.

Marshawn Lynch: Yeaaahhhhhh. Yeeeaaaaaaahhhhhh.

Sam Hurd: You got Skittles then, kid? Heh. I'll take all your Skittles. Just don't throw them at me because I can't catch, heh. Yeah, just hand them too me like that, yeah.

Marshawn Lynch: Yeaahhh. Beast Mode, yeahhhhh.

Sam Hurd: Beast Mode? Wait, you're no kid - you're Marshawn Lynch!

Marshawn Lynch: Yeaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Beast Mode.

Sam Hurd: Wait, don't cuff me! I'll make it worth your while. I got lots of cat urine. And a new Alex Rodriguez urine product about to launch, heh. It'll make you real strong, heh.

Hurd's pleas didn't help. He is now locked behind bars, hopefully for good this time. McCoy, meanwhile, is making a full recovery.

"I learned an important lesson today," McCoy said after hearing of Hurd's arrest. "No matter how many times you talk to kids in school, they're going to react to drugs and stuff based on how they were raised by their parents, so it should be the parents' responsib - no, wait, no, James Harrison, put the war hammer down, Sam Hurd was arrested! Ahhhhhh!!!"

We're willing to bet that McCoy will be in the starting lineup this upcoming Sunday.