FREMONT, NE—Noting the constant stream of questions and blatant suggestions directed solely at his sibling, area man Josh Koppel, 32, reported Friday that his mother was much more insistent about getting grandkids from his brother than from him.

NEW YORK—Stressing that the league will take a hard-line stance when enforcing its policy for on-field conduct, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced plans Thursday to curb any prolonged or excessive touchdown celebrations by removing the areas of players’ brains responsible for emotions.

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Spurning his deepest and most ardent desires, local man Mark Werner reportedly betrayed his heart Thursday by telling a friend he was dining with that he could have the last dumpling.

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

LAKE ZURICH, IL—In an effort to provide customers with a more practical product that better suits their typical usage, office supplies manufacturer Mead released a new realistic day planner this week that only includes entries for the first couple weeks after its purchase.

BOZEMAN, MT—Assuring reporters they could maintain the man’s elevated levels of stress and get his mind racing uncontrollably, three cups of coffee stated Thursday morning they were confident they could take local resident Ryan Hubbard’s anxiety from here.

‘We’re Excited About This, But Silt Research Certainly Isn’t For Everyone,’ Say Geologists

BOULDER, CO—A team of geologists from the University of Colorado announced at a press conference Wednesday that they had made a significant discovery concerning the world’s silt deposits, but stated that they understand if you aren’t interested in that sort of thing.

‘I Can Mail It To You If You’re Still Using It,’ Says Mom

RACINE, WI—Concerned that you might be upset if she were to get rid of it without permission, your mother reportedly called Wednesday to ask if she could throw away your three-ring binder from middle school.

CHICAGO—Promising that every effort would be made to limit the impact on residents’ day-to-day lives, Chicago officials announced Wednesday that a fleet of plows was working around the clock to clear more than 18 inches of fresh bullet casings that had blanketed the metropolitan area overnight.

SEATTLE—Fearing the process was rapidly accelerating to the point at which it could no longer be contained, area man Brian Talbott reportedly looked on helplessly Tuesday as variants of his nickname evolved and multiplied at breakneck speed.

I Can Help the Next Person Here

There's no waiting at register three. Wheel your cart right over! I can help the next person. Any number of items!

Can I help anyone over here? My checkout lane light is blinkingand that means there's no line. I'd be happy to help you! I'm waiting to serve you! That's my goalto make you, the customer happy.

As you see, I'm smiling, ready to help. If you'd only glance over here I'd nod and wave you toward me. Can I help someone? Over here! No waiting!

Please let me help you. What will I do if I can't? I can't read a magazine. I can't sit down. No stools are allowed behind the checkout counters. It's against store policy, because that might make it look like I'm not ready to help the next person.

So please, bring your items to register three. Any number of items here. Your personal check is welcome here with Chexpress, but please, for amount of purchase only. Enjoy the convenience of the ATM station right at the register. I can help the next person at register three!

Can I be of assistance, then? I can help the next person! I'll make sure to make you feel welcome at my register. It doesn't matter who you areyoung, old, black, white, coupon-clipper, crazy old drunk guy, 12-year-old punk trying to buy cigarettesI welcome you all to Sav-o-Mart. In the land of food value, there is no outcast.

I'll say hello to you, possibly comment on the weather, and thank you, respectfully calling you ma'am or sir. If you pay with a check, I'll even use your first name when you leave. You can use my first name. I'm always wearing my name tag, because I forfeit a half hour's pay if I forget it for a shift.

Maybe next time you come to the store you will come to register three again. We might develop a relationship where I will greet you and refer back to our conversation today: "How did that birthday party go?"; "Enjoying your vacation?"; "Did you decide to make the fruit salad?"; "Menthol 100s, right?"

Embarrassing items in your cart? I'll handle your purchase with discretion. Prophylactics? Gold Bond medicated powder for dry, flaky skin? Adult disposable undergarments? People magazine? I've rung up them all a hundred times, and though for you the act of purchase was preceded by a lengthy period of courage-gathering in the parking lot, I won't even raise an eyebrow.

Ma'am, register three is open!

Don't even hesitate. I'm ready to help you. We've got it all! In fact, if you've noticed my apron as well as the multiple brightly colored signs about the store boasting "We've Got It All," you already know that's our newest slogan and personal pledge to the customer!

I attended the mandatory employee meeting just this week, and I feel confident telling you that we do, indeed, have it all. I also feel ready to assist you in finding any portion of it all, which we've got, that you may need.

I'm just waiting to help you. I'll be here again tomorrow from 2 to 10 p.m., ready to rush to your aid, smiling and chipper, for the duration of my eight- hour shift. But what I'd really like to do is help you right now.