Clothing & related items:
-casual shoes and flats (size 7 or 7 1/2…depends)
-Steve Madden/Steve Madden-esque boots
-semi-dressy, medium-sized purse (something that can be dressed up and down and isn’t too huge as I don’t like large purses)
–hoodie/sweater: casual or semi-casual/dressy

Well, here I am, all alone at home. Jonathan isn’t here tonight. I had to take him to the ER. It’s a situation that could be the difference between life and death if left unattended.

It’s been a crazy whirlwind these last six months.

I remember the day that started it all. It was a Saturday afternoon in late July. I sat with Jonathan in the waiting area of the Vancouver General Hospital ER while we waited for hours, changing sitting positions what must have been hundreds of times in a vain effort to make those vinyl waiting chairs with the hard wooden armrests the slightest bit more comfortable. Leaving the hospital with more questions than answers only to come back the following weekend to do more of the same except the second time it was during the night and into the following morning. I think we spent a total of 24 hours in ER that week. And yet after all the poking, prodding, samples, scans, questions, referrals to different doctors, examinations, and endless waiting, we still had no idea what was going on. Perhaps a few hints, but nothing conclusive. The next few weeks were a blur of more tests and retests and a lot of questioning and “what if’s” on our part.

Finally, just before the end of the summer, we received the verdict: Jonathan has cancer.

Cancer. The one word I never wanted to hear. The one word that changed everything.

This has been very hard for me to openly admit, and up until now I have only told a handful of people outside of my immediate family and closest friends.

We had considered the possibility of cancer throughout the weeks leading up to this point, but actually hearing the words confirming my worst fear rocked my world. I had just recently lost my grandma to cancer and cancer has touched Jonathan’s family in a big way. How do you deal with this? Where do you begin to comprehend this kind of news?

Earlier last year Jonathan celebrated his thirtieth birthday. This was supposed to be a great time in his life. The start of a new decade, a new chapter in the adventure that is life. Instead we were hit right in the middle of the face with a big life-changer and lots of questions. What was going to happen next? How do we face this? What does our future look like? What does Jonathan’s future look like? Why is this happening to us, to Jonathan, and why now? It was as if a switch was flipped and everything that had happened up until that moment disappeared. All that we could see was a very foggy, unknown future. It was scary.

Once the diagnosis was in further tests were ordered and within a couple of weeks Jonathan underwent surgery to remove the tumour. The surgery left him bedridden for almost three weeks, the first of which I was luckily off work so I could be with him at home to take care of him and keep him company. After surgery, it was back to the waiting game. Study of the tumour would determine what type of cancer it was and what needed to happen next. Two weeks later we received some good news and some bad news. The good news, under the circumstances, was that the surgery was a success and the type of cancer that Jonathan has responds very well to treatment should treatment be necessary. The bad news was that there were some signs the cancer had spread but at that stage further monitoring was necessary to determine if treatment was the way to go.

October, November, and December went by with appointments throughout where the doctors ran more tests to see if anything had changed since surgery. Nothing had. We thought maybe we were in the clear and treatment wouldn’t be necessary. After all, even though the waiting was making us crazy and impatient, inconclusive meant no change and aside from not knowing inconclusive is still slightly better than a firm answer pointing toward treatment. Of course inconclusive also meant further monitoring of the situation to see if anything would change. Finally, in the second week of January, we received our answer: the cancer had spread and treatment was the only option.

Now I don’t know about you, but we are very lucky to live in Canada and receive the health care we do. From the beginning up to this point the BC Cancer Agency and all the doctors and nurses working there have been excellent. They put priority on Jonathan’s situation and made things happen. Once it was one hundred percent confirmed that treatment was necessary they told Jonathan that he would begin the following Monday. Overall, they have treated his situation with respect and urgency, all while treating Jonathan himself with the care he needs in a very kind and compassionate manner.

So on February 2nd, 2015 I walked through the doors of the BC Cancer Agency with Jonathan to begin the first of three cycles of chemotherapy. Each cycle is three weeks long. The first week Jonathan goes there each day for about four hours. The second and third weeks are more manageable with only one day of treatment for one hour. This Monday will be the beginning of the second cycle so his treatment is one-third complete. Fortunately, Jonathan’s oncologist refers to the treatment as more of a cure than a treatment because, while cancer is an aggressive disease, given the kind of cancer he has combined with how far medicine has come since the eighties, this treatment is more aggressive than the cancer itself. So we are trying to remain as optimistic as possible with that in mind.

Still aggressive treatment is just that, aggressive. In addition to working on getting rid of the cancer cells the treatment has turned on Jonathan too. He has been left to endure the last few weeks and the coming weeks in a very unwell state. Exhaustion, nausea, sensory changes, and not to mention the huge emotional toll. Just last weekend I finally had to cave in and shave Jonathan’s head because his hair was coming out in handfuls. Everywhere he goes, everything he touches, has to be followed up with a hand-washing ritual only a germophobe would consider. And tonight, the big trip to the ER to get Jonathan pumped full of antibiotics because he was running a fever which indicates infection, but due to the chemo his body doesn’t have the means to fight off the infection on its own and if an infection is left alone Jonathan could get very sick even to the point of it being deadly. But through all of this we are managing, and Jonathan has been dealing with this much better than I expected he would and definitely much better than I know I would be if I was in his shoes.

Unfortunately, life often decides to deal you a difficult hand right in the middle of your big plans. We’ve had to put our plans for a tropical getaway wedding on hold until further notice. We’ve had to stop our house-hunting that was in progress until further notice. Instead we’ve been focusing more on the fulfilment we receive from our relationships with each other and the people close to us. It’s these relationships that have helped Jonathan get through this difficult time and have helped me stay strong so I can be strong for him.

Going to the chemo room each week with Jonathan has been interesting. I see people there who are at all stages of their treatment and from all stages of life. Middle-aged women, elderly men, some who’ve just come from work, some who are the kind of optimist that can’t be shaken by anything, some who are so beaten down by their situation, some patients who are just beginning their road to recovery, and some who have the sad understanding that the treatment is just to tide them over until the end and they’re not going to make it. And then in walks Jonathan. A young man who appears healthy on the outside and clearly looks as though he doesn’t belong there. Someone whose biggest concerns in life should be bills, career, and where to go out for dinner next weekend instead of steroid drips, medication schedules, whether or not he’s hydrated enough for them to find a vein successfully, and consciously keeping himself away from places where he could pick up an infection. Nevertheless Jonathan sits back good-naturedly as they insert yet another needle into his veins. He is so used to the procedures by now. The nurses fawn over him and he eagerly laps up all of the attention. At least he is able to find some small joy in this.

I don’t know why this happened. I don’t know why Jonathan got cancer and why our lives had to be turned upside down like this. I don’t know why life chose for us to have to all of a sudden navigate through this. The only thing I know is that we are getting through it together and I know we will both be stronger because of it. Jonathan is strong and he is going to fight this with all he has and kick it to the curb. I am determined to stick by his side the whole way, keeping him strong, so that once it’s all over we can go back and remove the pause we put on our adventure through life and make it an even more full, exciting, and meaningful experience. Believe me, there’s been a lot of time for thinking and talking and our list of awesome things we want to do has grown. Things can only go up from here.

Jonathan has started a journal detailing his day-to-day experience as he undergoes chemotherapy. You can follow it here.

Books:
-C. S. Lewis’s Chronicles of Narnia in one large storybook form
-the complete works of Edgar Allan Poe, in a nicely bound volume
–The Silkworm by Robert Galbraith
-Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer
-The Wild Truth by Carine McCandless
–The First Phone Call from Heaven by Mitch Albom
–Deception Point by Dan Brown
-Angels & Demons by Dan Brown

Clothing & related items:
-casual shoes and flats (size 7 or 7 1/2…depends)
-semi-dressy, medium-sized purse (something that can be dressed up and down and isn’t too huge as I don’t like large purses)
–semi-dressy light coat (springtime/fall warmth level, preferably made from some kind of cloth fabric, waist length, again something that can be dressed up and down)

Other miscellany:
-among other pieces that I really love by this artist: this one, this one, and this one. Available on Granville Island or by direct order from the artist 😀
-Blu-ray box set of all the 007 movies
–Cards Against Humanity, plus (in?)appropriate expansion packs
-Munchkin card game (starter game, not the expansions)

Video games: -Super Mario Galaxy 2 (Wii) -Last Window: The Secret of Cape West (DS) this game probably has to be ordered on eBay from a UK seller. –Mario & Luigi: Dream Team (3DS) –The Legend of Zelda: A Link Between Worlds (3DS) -Tomb Raider (PS3, the newest one) –Pokémon X (3DS)-Castlevania: Mirror of Fate (3DS)

Books: -C. S. Lewis’s Narnia series in one large storybook form, preferrably with gold leaf edging, ribbon bookmark, and hand drawn pictures throughout

Kitchen gadgets: –a traditional bamboo matcha whisk + spoon and a really nice stone matcha bowl to mix in -bowls like this (at least 4) -cast iron skillets that can go in the oven (ie: no wooden handle), a small one (got the big one last year!) –the classic whistling teakettle by Le Creuset in Carribean blue. The reason being, my gas range heats my current kettle, which doesn’t have a rubber handle, so hot that I can’t touch the handle without burning my hands off. This kettle is really cute and has a rubber handle too! -really nice salt & pepper grinders (not electric)

Other miscellany: -a really nice yet compact easel -among other pieces that I really love by this artist: this one, this one, and this one. Available on Granville Island or by direct order from the artist 😀 –a portable mini book light/reading light for reading at night or in the dark -boxed Blu-ray set of all the 007 movies -Cards Against Humanity, plus (in?)appropriate expansion packs. I’ll invite you over to play…! -and if even this list can’t stimulate you to be creative with a gift, I do accept cash, in any denomination, but bigger is always better!

The past month has been an emotional one. There was shock, anger, anxiety, stress, hatred, reflection. Now there is just a constant feeling of sadness that lingers over every day. It’s draining. It dulls the rest of my senses. I don’t know how to deal with it. I wish I could just turn it off and make it disappear. I’ve always done it that way. Running and hiding from things so you don’t have to deal with them. Because, eventually, everything takes care of itself, right? This chapter of life will wrap itself up for me and I can just sit back and watch, right?

But, I’m starting to wonder if this time the only solution is to face it head-on. Fight through. Ask the difficult questions, find the even more difficult answers. Learn things about life, deal with them, learn about yourself. After all, isn’t this what life’s all about–experiencing things and learning from them? Taking the bad and reworking it until there’s only good left? Actually putting an effort?

Through all this pain I have learned a lot. I have learned a lot about certain people in my life, that they are more than I ever conceived they could be. I have learned the true value of friendship, family, and love. I have learned about sacrifice, time, and influence. And I have had to adjust some of my own personal views on these things based on what I have seen. I have learned that some of the clichés in life really are true, that “life’s too short” and “you don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone”. I have been broken down, but I’m trying to allow myself to be rebuilt. And that rebuilding will be reinforced with the love of my family, the realisation of how much people mean to me, and the choice to live my life differently so that I can be everything he didn’t get the chance to be and so I can maybe help prevent something similar from happening in the future.

We are forever changed. And it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. For now, I don’t know when it’ll get easier. But it has to. Eventually. Don’t run from this. Embrace it. Learn. Grow. Remain together; because at the end of the day the two constants that always remain are family and love.

Hugs and strength. I miss him so much.

This post is dedicated to a beautiful life. My cousin, Jez.February 25, 1990 ~ June 13, 2013

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We run, faces to the wind, It’ll get easier when you breathe it in. Fall, gently give in, Swallowin’ the air and rain on skin.

Hurts will come undone, All that we’ll become – Rise and fall behind, Weightless in rewind.

It may seem a bit selfish, but I was told that the birthday/Christmas gift list I made last year was very helpful, because apparently people don’t know what to get me. And it didn’t hurt that I got 90% of the items that were on the list. So, here it is again: the great and wonderful list of things I want, now sorted for even greater ease!

Kitchen gadgets:
-a traditional matcha whisk + spoon and a really nice stone matcha bowl to mix in
-bowls like this (at least 4)-a couple of these really cute owl tea cups to match my owl teapot
-cast iron skillets that can go in the oven (ie: no wooden handle), a small one and a big one
-the classic whistling teakettle by Le Creuset in Carribean blue. The reason being, my gas range heats my current kettle, which doesn’t have a rubber handle, so hot that I can’t touch the handle without burning my hands off. This kettle is really cute and has a rubber handle too!
–this butter dish, also by Le Creuset and also in Carribean blue.
–a really good, non-manual, high-powered milk frother. Mine doesn’t really froth so much as whisk…
-really nice salt & pepper grinders

Other miscellany:
–a tin of Forever Nuts from DavidsTea
-a really nice yet compact easel
–an external hard drive that is at least 1TB
-among other pieces that I really love by this artist: this one, this one, and this one. Available on Granville island or by direct order from the artist 😀-really cozy & comfy slippers for around the house (emphasis on cozy, and extra emphasis on comfy, my feet get sore after standing on wood floors all day!)-I left my glass tea tumbler behind when I moved *sadness*. But then I discovered this beautiful glass tea tumbler from Teavana! It would make a suitable replacement.
-a portable mini book light/reading light for reading at night or in the dark
-onesie pajamas. With feet. And a butt flap. And maybe a hood.
-and if even this list can’t stimulate you to be creative with a gift, I do accept cash, in any denomination, but bigger is always better!