Love flickers and is lost

Well, I try not to use this blog as a personal journal but since I decided that my situation was worthy of chronicling, I have sort of altered that policy. Which brings me to my current run of bad romantic luck. I never got laid and my former beau and I are no longer speaking. I was too stressed out by his constantly having to reschedule dates or cancel because of his work and it left me feeling frustrated and ill at ease. I had decided to let him know we just needed to be friends for the time being but we never got a chance to talk about it. We had left things open for the unexpected and for other people if the situation changed but I was beginning to let my passionate nature cloud the situation. I knew I needed to end things and keep the friendship but I lost my cool before that happened. So I blew it by over reacting to a post a ‘friend’ of his made on his Facebook wall.. I have apologized profusely to no avail. He has misjudged me and my reaction and I have no option now but to walk away. I find myself sitting at the computer like a hawk, hoping for some communication but there is none. The phone isn’t ringing. No text messages, nothing.

I just feel cold. And not a good kind of cold, as in the winter wind blowing by and all the things that make winter a beautiful time of year.

I am trying to remind myself that I needed to be focusing on school and that I am getting back on track to do that now that he is gone. I have the capstone that was demanding my attention and more devotion than I was alotting for it and now I need to focus on that but damn I feel lonely.

It’s not that I dont have other things in my life right now to keep me occupied, because I do. But I think I need to count the blessings I do have. To look at them in print and make an inventory. It might make me feel better and the stark reality might make me feel worse, but it needs to be done.

I have the capstone.

I am due to quit smoking November 1st.

I have a classmate and new friend who is going to be my accountability partner for quitting smoking during and after graduation.

My nephew is learning to play football and getting good at it.

My uncle has two months to live and is coming back to the States for Hospice. He needs help celebrating his life and for his sake, I need to move forward and remember him in the best possible way and to let his life inspire me to keep moving.

I am learning new things in classes.

I have a supportive advisor and capstone teacher. He keeps me on track with my project and is allowing me the freedom to do so much with it. I worry that I don’t have the inspiration I need to make the most of it however. My humanity keeps getting in the way.

The last of my student loans will arrive this month.

I renewed my National Certification for Massage.

I am making new friends in class.

Ok. So it’s not a long list. But it is what I have. Oh, and as usual, Dad expects to get paid any day. So at least the familiar dysfunction of my father is back to a kind of normal in its own crack ass way. As long as he is hopeful and waiting to be paid for something, I don’t over analyze him and can let him be. He will entertain himself while he waits and I can keep on minding my own business and not counting on him for anything other than a shoulder to cry on. Dad has his uses and his charms. Better the devil you know than one you don’t.

My observations as an artistic, writer, blogger, computer geek, humanist, mental health activist, lifelong learning and researcher of life living with lifelong severe depression, anxiety, social anxiety with agoraphobia, PTSD, A Nervous Breakdown, as well as a Survivor of Sexual Abuse and Rape.

A collective of bibliophiles talking about books. Book Fox (vulpes libris): small bibliovorous mammal of overactive imagination and uncommonly large bookshop expenses. Habitat: anywhere the rustle of pages can be heard.