ASK AMY: Advice for the real world

Hubby makes her skin crawl

Dear Amy: My husband and I have not been intimate for a long time. He wants to. I don't. The last few times I cried during and after.

Although immature, he's a great guy, so I don't know why he makes my skin crawl when he touches me.

Is it my intuition telling me that something isn't right?

He seems like the ideal husband. He helps out around the house and he takes care of my every need, but something tells me I can't trust him.

He thinks that lack of sex is the only obstacle in our otherwise happy marriage, but I'm sure the problem goes beyond that. What do you think?

-- Not a Happy Marriage

Dear Not: Your intuition could be telling you all sorts of things, but it is obvious that your marriage is in trouble.

The most effective way to sort this out is through professional counseling. A therapist will lead you through the discovery process of pulling away the layers of what's going on here.

Look for a counselor with a specialty in dealing with couples. You might want to start by going by yourself; your husband should be willing to join you at the appropriate time. In the meantime, talk to your husband about what you're going through; he should give you the space you need to work this out.

For a wise, unsparing (and sexually explicit) view of several committed couples as they grapple with issues of sex and intimacy, watch HBO's "Tell Me You Love Me." I highly recommend it.

Dear Amy: I disagree with your advice to 14-year-old "Emily" about trick-or-treating.

No one enjoys Halloween more than I do, and I'm 79. I like to see the tiny ghosts and goblins who come to our house; I enjoy seeing the older ones, too, whether they are wearing costumes or not.

Here's how it works at our house. My husband and I stock up on treats. When we are ready for visitors, we turn on the porch light and any other lights that make it easier for visitors to find their way.

The little ones begin coming about 6. The older visitors begin coming around 8. I reach into my bowl of goodies to give them a treat; I don't invite them to help themselves. I never have to remind them to thank me. They always do.

When we run out of treats or when we get tired, we turn off the lights and close the drapes, and no one else comes.

So, to Emily I would say: Please come to our house. I enjoy meeting you and your friends. You make the day special.

-- Portland Gramma

Dear Gramma: Just like you, I love Halloween. In fact, I think it's just about my favorite holiday. My advice to "Emily" was that, as an older kid, she needed to wait until the little kids had gone out and gotten their goodies before going out with her friends. I didn't say that she should skip trick-or-treating altogether.

As you note, generally the little kids go out earlier, and I think it's a good idea to let them have the sidewalks until dark.

I do suggest that older kids wear costumes, however. That's a big part of the fun -- certainly for those of us answering the door.

I'm delighted to hear from an older person complimenting teens on their behavior. Too often, teens get a bad rap -- unjustified, in my view.