Tag Archives: marriage

Poly Cocktails are interesting gatherings where one goes to meet and learn about people who are polyamorous seeking a variety of sexual relationships and experiences. Poly Cocktails organizations originated in New York City and have spread to other parts of the country. It’s not clear to me who are its members. One description targets New Monogamy Millennials, (born after 1980), who, in addition to their marital sexual partners, seek sexual relationships with others but want to remain married which is something to think about. But others describe it as open to almost everyone except those who are straight married heterosexuals. In addition to married couples it includes others seeking expanded sexual experiences such as homosexuals, bisexuals and transgenders.

Before I go on, we are in an era where new words are created almost daily. Polyamorous usually meant when there is an “intimate” relationship usually among three people over a period of time where sex is only part of the total relationship. It is not a swinging or key-swapping party- type of recreational, brief relationships. But it seems to me that Poly Cocktail polyamorous relationships are far broader entering anything- thing- goes territory.

One of our colleagues and follower of our posts read the recent one about massage parlors and the male frenulum. He contacted us to relate what happened to a guy in his 30’s who he knows who also read the post and then decided to attend a Poly Cocktail event in search of, pardon the pun, a “cock” tail solution.

He was in search of a supreme orgasm brought about by oral sex. He agreed with our last post that many men are happy as can be with a woman’s blow job but there are the those who require a higher level of performance but are often frustrated because most women just lack the know-how to deliver the goods. (No need to add that women say the same about men’s techniques).

At the gathering he sat next to an attractive young lady, and he, surprising himself, told her about his quest for the ultimate oral sex orgasm. She said she had the answer. She and her bisexual girlfriend love to perform oral sex on a man which stimulates them to make love to each other while the man watches. The ladies would get involved with him with some light stimulating foreplay before the oral sex. She promised him that this would solve his problem.

He, being hopeful and having nothing to lose, agreed. After they disrobed, he explained to them about the male frenulum as his potential G-spot asking them to pay attention to it. Well, guess what happened? In incredulous and exasperating tones he exclaimed to our colleague, “They, like even the masseuses who Lorenzo mentioned in his post, missed my goddam frenulum both orally, and even manually! Can what those guys in the previous post observed be true? It’s just tough for me to believe that something so fundamental in sex is being missed.”

This single experience reflects the general problem that I mentioned in the post for the need and wide-open market opportunity for a capitalist entrepreneur to open a chain of massage parlors called Male Frenulum Heaven where the ladies are trained to be frenulum specialists.

Maybe Poly Cocktails groups should think about doing something about this opportunity. This will certainly increase their membership!

From what I gather, I understand that the poor guy is now thinking about giving up on oral and manual sex and concentrating on old fashioned straight vaginal sex- something to wish on your worst enemy!

Just after the New Year, G and I had dinner in Manhattan with two “happily” married couples in their early 50’s. Both had two kids who were also “happily” married. Divorce had not yet touched their lives.

The couples read our book and knew about our interest in the world of sex and understandably slanted the dinner conversation to that topic. One of the women mentioned that she had just read in some magazine about a number of studies which report that an active sex life between a man and woman, particularly those who are married for a long time, is necessary to increase marital bliss. I was about to ask the couples if that held true for them, but held my tongue for they are products of the old school who highly value personal privacy.

Being curious about that claim, the next day I decided to do some research on clinical studies which evaluated the impact of sexual activity on happiness and marriage and found exactly what I expected. As I repeatedly emphasize on our posts, the conclusions of many clinical studies on sex, particularly surveys, are not at all definitive. I can assure you that the claims, and they are numerous, that more sex makes married men and women happier than those who have significantly less of it, were not proven. Not even close!

There are reports that many couples, yes, including men, are not that crazy about sex and, therefore, it does not play a major role in their lives. One study reported that the sex- life of working married couples over 40 was almost non-existent. If you read what’s going on today in the world of sex, because married men and women are living in very stressful times, they prefer to sleep and not copulate at bedtime. In one article, though tough to believe, young, married women are reluctant to give oral sex to their husbands, even once a month. These ladies don’t know what they’re missing because, though “hard to swallow”, one study reported that women who give oral sex are happier.

Here’s the conclusion of another “brilliant” survey study: Sex, drinking and partying bring more happiness than rearing children. And yet another typical study conclusion: Happiness is thinking that you get laid more than your friends. All are typical examples of very bad clinical studies flooding the media which are not to be believed. Unfortunately, there are few calling attention to this phenomenon, and many men and women buy into these misleading claims which often negatively impact their lives.

Getting back to sex, happiness and marriage: There are huge, powerful and pervasive market forces that are making married couples, who are not crazy about sex, feel as if there’s something wrong with them- when it’s not at all so. One unfortunate side effect of this misplaced assumption is for some to seek the “missing link” elsewhere. There was one inexcusable, misleading study which reported that married women who cheat on their husbands are happier with their lovers.
The sex drive is like everything else that’s natural in life. It varies with age and circumstances. It varies depending on biology, age and circumstances. One can naturally be hyper- energetic as a busy bee or lazy as a sloth; aggressive or passive and stubborn or flexible with degrees of levels of intensity in between.

Married couples and the rest of us rarely see, hear or read about the normality, stability and tranquility of limited or even absent sex. Though I’m not an expert on sex films, I can assure you that there are few, for example, depicting a naked couple happy as can be discussing what opera they should see at the Metropolitan Opera Company and forgo sex. Also, there are very few, if any, steamy sex novels on happy married couples who decide to limit their sex to the first Monday of each month and maybe two days in a row on their birthdays- God willing! I believe that this, the- little- bit- of- sex married couples market, is a wide-open, innovative opportunity for creative media producers.

I don’t know about Neanderthals, but since Homo sapiens- that’s us- married men and women do not ride a roller-coaster of sex particularly with the oncoming of the years. Historic and current common experience clearly tells us that sex is not the driving force in a long term, happy marriage and can, instead, have an “unhappy” effect. Certainly the sexual revolution has stimulated the quest for increased sexual adventures and, in certain cases, increased the accompanying pleasures, but this will not change the fact that it is not a big deal in many marriages- happy or not!

Gloria Steinem, the famous feminist, recently extolled how being libertated from her sexual drive has opened new wonderful horizons in her life. Though she attributed this new- found freedom to her old age, it applies to all states where sex is not a driving force. She said, “The brain cells that used to be obsessed (with sex) are now free for all kinds of things.”

You may now be wondering what, then, are the secrets of a happy marriage. Tons of books have been written about this, and I don’t pretend to have the specific answers. Certainly there’s the glue or interior force called “chemistry” or “love”* between a man and a woman. Then there are the external factors such as good health and enough money to periodically take your honeybun to dinner at your favorite restaurant.

Conclusion: Patterns in the world of sex are multiple and normal and not having much sex is one such pattern that can play a critical role in a happy marriage.

*What recently hit me like a thunderbolt is the virtual absence of the word “love” in all non-religious media dealing with sex in both marital and non-marital states. Did you ever think about this and what message it’s sending? Let’s talk about this in a future post.

We are increasingly becoming sensitive to what we say for fear of offending others. For that reason, it’s oftentimes risky to tell the truth. Though it shouldn’t, this truthful post will undoubtedly offend certain visitors starting with this personal observation: The personnel of the New York Times is, unlike, let’s say, The Wall Street Journal, both great newspapers which I read daily. It is an intentionally designed diversity one staffed by heterosexual and homosexual males and females, male and female feminists, many of them politically to the left liberals and a variety of ethnic and racial backgrounds. Conservative men and women are simply either not there or deprived of their computers.

The Times has energetically led a crusade for women’s rights including rights to their bodies and abortion. It has successfully played a visible role in bringing about the homosexual marriage movement and the awareness of the transgender issue and the need to address it. Regarding the military, it has and continues to support the integration of females into the Armed Services even to the level of combat Marines. Regarding military sexual assaults, it has launched a major coverage effort almost always, either indirectly or directly, supporting the female position as victims ignoring data which clearly point out that females are frequently the perpetrators on females and males on males. And that’s another story for a future post.

In its efforts, the Times generally takes the woman’s side on many issues.

But, believe it or not, here’s what pleases me: The Times coverage of sex issues does support the concept of the Brain Genital Law or BGL! The BGL means that the brain, in order to insure sufficient copulation which is necessary to propagate the race, has a huge and broad reservoir of ways to stimulate the human sexual drive from straight sex to sodomy to snuff movies, all of which are natural phenomena. All cultures, however, have recognized that it’s necessary to regulate the free expression of the BGL because of the destabilizing effect on societies of sex gone wild. A couple, for example, cannot copulate on the street of Broadway even if Mayor DeBlasio is for it! (Or can they)?

But, here’s what really piques my interest: Based on the Supreme Court’s preliminary decision supporting homosexual marriage, polygamy will inevitably arise on its future agenda of increasingly complex, tough to handle, social issues. Now historically polygamy has been and remains common in many cultures whereas homosexual marriage is a rarity, if not absent. If the Times is to remain consistent, it will strongly support the right of men to have multiple wives. Right? I think not for the feminist element of the Times, supported by the powerful male and female feminist elements in our universities, almost assuredly believe that polygamy demeans women despite history’s broad acceptance of it as, which it is, a natural, sexual relationship.

But, if I were a supporter of polygamy and sought to have the Supreme Court sanction it, I would, instead, first present to the justices a case on the legalization of polyandry- the right of a woman to have multiple husbands. This would be very consistent with the Times push for women’s rights and should gain its support. What do you think?

Ladies and gentlemen, hold on to your hats. The general deregulation of the BGL is well on its way and, if the Supreme Court is consistent, polygamy and polyandry may soon be with us. But the Supreme Court is often inconsistent on social matters influenced not by the Constitution or long-held accepted law, but by the attitudes and American values at a point in time. G and I believe that this will cause a much greater uproar than homosexual marriage. One thing is for sure: Emotion, and not reason, will be the driving force behind the polygamy-polyandry debate including coverage by the New York Times.

What I’m hoping for is that the controversy will finally lead to a rational, national discussion on the sexual revolution and the BGL and what are acceptable groundrules to accommodate the universal quest for orgasms.

In my posts I’ll keep reiterating that the Brain Genital Law or BGL holds that all sexual acts are normal, amoral acts of nature. It also holds that all societies have regulated such acts in one way or another including heterosexuality and homosexuality.

Historically, homosexual marriage is a very rare union rejected by virtually all societies while polygamy has been and still is widely accepted throughout the world. Yet in the United States the Supreme Court in 1876 ruled polygamy to be unconstitutional and, in 2013, homosexual marriage constitutional. The clear legal bases of both decisions, like other Court’s decisions, are difficult to find in our Constitution.

So, what’s the story? I really don’t know. One can reasonably assume that the first decision was based on the Christian Protestant values of the time but also on the universal but difficult to pinpoint factor behind the historical worldwide rejection of such marriage. Current values, however, primarily due to the impact of modern technology, have already led to a sweeping deregulation of the BGL rendering many forms of sexual expression, which were wholeheartedly discouraged before, not only increasingly acceptable but enthusiastically embraced.

There is little doubt that the Supreme Court justices are influenced by these social changes. In 1876 there were very few known supporters of polygamy. If the case had involved homosexual marriage, the Court would have also ruled it unconstitutional, one reason being that there were also very few supporters of homosexuality. In the year 2013, however, media coverage of homosexual marriage was 5 to 1 in favor of it, and the Court went along with our changing social values.

Let’s make the assumption that the composition of our Supreme Court won’t change when the polygamy “right” to marriage case inevitably comes before it. If the justices who supported the recent homosexual marriage decision are still seated and remain consistent, they should overturn the 1876 decision. On the other hand, in addition to the social-political factors, there is also the psychological one which affects judgment calls. Three of the justices who ruled in favor of homosexual marriage are women. In their hearts they are probably strongly against men having more than one wife and may find some type of creative legal argument to rule against it*.

There is little doubt that the Supreme Court is, in place of tradition and legislation, becoming the arbiter of controversial, rapidly deregulated sexual behavior in America and will soon decide, for example, who has rights to their sperm, their eggs and to the fertilized IVF embryo in an unimaginable variety of cases. The justices will be challenged on where to draw the lines on increasing deregulated sexual behavior that is being embraced by our culture. No easy task for the justices for their decisions will be far more controversial than dealing with the Second Amendment!

During the next decade we will experience a rollercoaster of tumultuous sexcapades characterized by pervasive social disruption, rampant insecurity and unhappiness. Sex is indeed like fire: It can warm up your home or burn it down. Instead of a national policy to build solar panels to deliver heat, we should, instead, immediately begin to manufacture large quantities of fire extinguishers.

*One wonders how they would rule if the case involved polyandry, the right of women to have more than one husband.

During dinner with my old friend and his lovely wife at one of my old hangouts, Patsy’s restaurant in Manhattan, he, visibly disturbed, told me that the spouses of his married niece and her brother who have late teenage children had, after both being married for about 20 years, initiated ugly divorce proceedings. Both had fallen in love with another person and were caught cheating which brought about the break-ups which, interestingly enough, if not discovered, might never have happened.

My friend, in frustrated tones, said, “Gesu Cristo, Lorenzo, what the hell is going on? After 20 years of marriage with kids who are still young, how in God’s name can they do it?”

When I counsel young adults I urge them to be careful and not be in a hurry to fall in love. I explain to them we have entered the era of Flexidelity, a term that I coined, replacing the old one, Fidelity. Flexidelity means when people in a love relationship, be it marriage or another type, cheat but try to maintain the relationship.*

I explain to these adults that, unlike not too long ago, we are now a mobile society and meet all kinds of folks. Then I add, “There’s always a better man or woman than you out there” and your loved one may meet that person. The result? Suffering—lots of it!

Flexidelity has been particularly destructive to married men and women. “*Cheating” was primarily a man thing in the past but now women have joined in. Both are meeting “better” others. (If you have doubts about this, just check out ashleymadison.com). The divorce rate is now about 50%. But here’s an eye opener: the divorce rate for second marriages is over 60% and the third ones over 70%! The lesson? “Better” is, more often than not, not better!
A recent Gallop Poll reported that 92% of Americans believe that married men and women who have affairs are morally wrong. Go figure!

*Note: there’s falling-out-of-love cheating and staying-in-love cheating, the percentages of which are not known.