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01/30/2012

Ok, so I recently stumbled upon a blog post that is making me shake my head. I should probably point out that this blog is really about professional development only with a "saucy"/"risque" post thrown into the mix a few times a month. I am choosing not to mention the exact blog or who wrote it because the overall "tone" is very common amongst people who do not have comprehensive training/knowledge in sexuality. I feel like this blogger had good intentions, but the words I continually come back to are "sex shaming" and "sex negative". On a personal note, I was an incredibly proud spouse when my husband read the post and turned to me and say "...Ok, now that is the exact type of person you don't want giving sex tips and sounds a little like a shaming cycle."

Why does this particular blog post annoy me?

First off, the female blogger never even mentions sex or uses the word sex--it is only hinted at. I have a huge issue with people talking about sex if they are so patently uncomfortable saying or writing the word. Listen, I think it's great when people want to bring the topic of sex and sexuality into the forefront, but you need to be able to talk about it. I mean, seriously. The type of tips the blogger offered up left me with the impression that they have no idea they are providing such sex negative "advice".

Yes, people are smart enough to get what you mean when you use a phrase like "getting down to business" in lieu of sex, sexual activity, intercourse, penetration, etc. My thinking is that, by choosing not to use the word "sex", you are actually continuing to foster the belief that sex is taboo, not something you talk about (although you assume everyone does it), and it's something to be talked around and not about. There is another word for it, and it's called being sex negative.

Besides not using the word sex in the blog post, the blogger went on to give some tips on how to handle "romance" when living in close proximity to others (think about when you have housemates, still have children who live at home, or are on vacation). In a nutshell, the majority of the suggested tips are extremely sex negative to me because they all boil down to how one can engage in sexual activity without getting caught. The mis-guided tips suggest how you can engage in sexual activity in a way that is "proper" or "acceptable" so that you don't disturb others.

I'm just going to throw this out there, but I would think that a huge portion of sexually active people pretty much subscribe to the un-written rule that sex is a private activity between you and your partner(s). However, as a sex educator, I believe the last thing people need is more advice on how to keep sex hidden. This perpetuates the common belief that sex is something that needs to be concealed because it is wrong and shameful. It also suggests that people either should or would feel shame if others heard them engaging in sexual activity.

I want to make it clear that my issue with this blog post is not because I am pissed that someone else is getting in on my action. It couldn't be further from the truth--I wished that more people would talk openly about healthy sexuality. However, I do think it is a slippery slope when those lacking knowledge dole out "romance" advice because they think it will make their blog more appealing. Bad advice is bad advice.

And lastly, if you do decide to write a blog post about having noiseless sex, why on earth would you not mention the creative use of mouth gags?

01/24/2012

Growing up I lived in a really exclusive area called the North Shore of Chicago. Since I grew up in the 70's and 80's calling my neighborhood exclusive is really just a euphemism for "white". People were either (self identified) WASPY or Jewish. Seriously, it is not a surprise that all my sisters and I married Jewish men. As with many neighborhoods, it has become a lot more diversified, but that didn't help me much as I was growing up.

Here's the deal: I guess I identify as mixed race. My dad is second generation Japanese American (born in America) and my mom is American born of German ancestry. Even though growing up a lot of adults repeatedly told me I looked just like my mom (who had blonde hair and blue eyes), the kids I grew up with told me I looked very Asian. I was reminded about this a lot and it was almost always done in a way that was intended to hurt me or make me feel bad about myself.

When I was growing up models like Paulina Porizkova, Christie Brinkley, Farrah Fawcett, Cheryl Tiegs, Jerry Hall, and Kim Alexis were super popular.

So, what's a non white girl who grew up in the 70's and 80's to do when looking for a role model who is 1/2 Asian? I guess the short answer is not much.

It's not a huge surprise that there were few famous people or role models I could look to and say "hey, that person actually kind of looks like me..that's cool."

I'm happy to report that a bit of progress has been made in Hollywood!

Here are a few of my favorite female Hollywood actors/personalities who are 1/2 Asian:

(above: Meg Tily)

(above: Jennifer Tily...yes, they are sisters)

(above: Shannyn Sossamon)

(above: Alexa Chung)

(above: Olivia Munn)

(above: China Chow--we both graduated from Scripps College)

(above: Charlotte Lewis--technically not Asian, but she looks it, so I included her)

(above: Phoebe Cates)

I know who my favorites are--Shannyn Sossamon (she looks a lot like a young Lisa Bonet) and Phoebe Cates. For anyone under 30, Phoebe Cates was basically the star of Fast Times at Ridgemont High (she had an iconic bikini scene), Gremlins, and Drop Dead Fred. She left the Hollywood scene in the 90's to raise a family with her husband, Kevin Kline.

It would be lovely to see more people of color entering the field of sexuality. Almost all the well known people in sexuality are Caucasian. This fact hadn't even occurred to me until it was brought up in a presentation, and now I can't get it out of my head. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, it's merely an observation that many people make. It's also one of the reasons why I am so passionate about promoting the work of other people who don't fit into the status quo. This is a shout out to Becca Brewer and Sandra Daugherty!

Judging from the number of people who end up at my blog after doing a "herpes" google search, I'm guessing a lot of you. Ok, maybe you don't want to talk about it as much as you want information on it.

I'm not even kidding when I say reading the book "The Good News About the Bad News" by Terri Warren has blown my mind. I might even go as far as saying that this is probably the only book you need on herpes if you are a sex educator, are interested in sexual health, or have a herpes diagnosis. Not only is it funny (you can tell she has been on the front lines of sexual health because of her sense of humor), but it is filled with great and actionable advice.

I've previously written about herpes and how the the two main players are Herpes Simplex Virus Type 1 (HSV 1) and Herpes Simplex Virus Type 2 (HSV 2). I've come to find out that there is so much more to herpes than I, most people (and even clinicians) know.

Most people believe that cold sores (sores on the outside of your mouth, chin, and nose) are HSV 1 and genital herpes (herpes around your genital area) are HSV 2. In other words, sores about the waist are HSV 1 and sores below the waist are HSV 2.

HSV 1 cause the majority of recurrent cold sores that appear on your chin, lips, nose, and other places on your face. Many people believe that in order to have HSV 1, there must be some noticeable blister that forms a crust, heals, and goes away. Like with many STI's, the majority of the HSV 1 oral infections are asymptomatic (or even go unrecognized). This means that there are A LOT of people who honestly don't know they have HSV 1. This wouldn't be so bad if HSV 1 weren't so infectious to others.

A term you will hear time and time again when it comes to the herpes virus is "shedding". This basically means that a person is literally giving off the virus...kinda like our skin is always shedding but we don't really think about it or notice it unless our skin is really dry or we have a peeling sunburn. During the past 10 years (give or take) there has been a really interesting shift when it comes to herpes and STI transmission. The old school of thought is that you are only infectious to others when you are currently exhibiting visible or noticeable symptoms. What we now know is that the herpes virus is being shed even when there are no obvious symptoms. This is a pretty significant finding.

Besides HSV 1 causing cold sores, it is also responsible for the majority of herpes in the eye. This can happen when you touch your cold sore and then touch your eye without washing it first. It can also happen when the virus travels along the same nerves that provide sensation between the mouth and the eye. HSV 1 of the eye is treatable and something best left to an ophthalmologist and not an optometrist.

The big news about HSV 1 is that is can cause genital herpes. Studies show that about 40% of new genital herpes cases in the United States are caused by HSV 1. Also it is thought that the popularity of oral sex is why there are more HSV 1 cases than HSV 2 cases in teens and college students.

HSV 1 is transmitted via mouth/genital contact and it can occur even in the absence of cold sores. The good news is that about 50% of people with genital HSV 1 have zero recurrences.

An oral HSV 1 outbreak can be triggered by anything from too much sunlight to trauma, and I don't mean that in a "Fight Club" kind of way. Trauma can be anything from a new lip piercing, oral surgery, or even lip injections (now I know why my dermy asked me if I were prone to cold sores when I tried Restylane on my lips). Remember that shedding happens even with out obvious symptoms.

Another thing to remember when it comes to HSV 1 is "who is infected". Studies show that more than 50% of people in the United States who are over the age of 14 have HSV 1 infection. Unfortunately, there is no delineation between the number of oral and genital infections.

HSV 1 can be diagnosed a number of different ways:

Visual diagnosis only (error rate of 20%) **not advised & in 2002 the CDC began recommending a lab test for confirmation.

Viral swab tests **they are ONLY effective when having visible symptoms and the testing culture must be done correctly with vigorous swabbing. Out of several choices, only the PCR (Polymerase Chain Reaction) swab testing gives a clinician the opportunity to tell if you have HSV 1 or HSV 2. It's important to know what type of swab test is being performed.

Blood tests. Just like with HIV tests, blood tests for HSV look for the antibody or the protein that your body makes in response to an infection. Blood tests are preferable when it comes to herpes because they can be type-specific to tell you if you have HSV 1 or HSV 2. When it comes to herpes blood testing, there are many options (and some are more effective than others) so it's important to figure out what type of testing is being offered.

So what are the big take aways from the above information?

Knowing that HSV 1 can cause genital herpes is huge! This can even come as a surprise to clinicians and I know it did for me.

Knowing that people shed the virus and are infectious to others even when there are no visible symptoms is also a fairly recent finding.

Testing is complex and some test for the virus, but they don't specify if you have HSV 1 or HSV 2.

HSV 1 & HSV 2 can be managed quite well with a variety of treatment therapies! This is really, really good news. Because it is a virus, there is no cure, but the treatment options have much improved in the past 30 years.

A huge percentage of people who have HSV 1 & HSV 2 are completely unaware and it can lay dormant for years and years before an outbreak ever happens. This is why I always advocate for COMPREHENSIVE HIV/STI testing for all sexually active people.

01/20/2012

As a sexuality educator, I know too well that abstinence only sex education doesn't work. Study after study prove it. More recently, it has been shown that youth who take a "virginity pledge" are merely substituting other high risk sexual activities in lieu of vaginal penetration.

Let me be clear that I believe abstinence has a place in sex education--when it is part of a comprehensive sex education program. Being part of a larger conversation about sex and sexuality makes a lot of sense to me. It is the abstinence "only" part that drives me a little nutso.

I'm not a professional wordsmith, but I have enough knowledge to know that the word "withholding" is synonymous with "abstinence", which makes almost no sense to me. Seriously, think about it for a minute.

Communication is truly one of the most important tools anyone uses in their life. However, most people are never taught how to effectively communicate with...really..anyone. Peers, bosses, kids, family, and the list goes on and on.

Using an abstinence only model (with virginity pledges) is really only getting youth to agree to something they don't consent to (as well as depriving youth from learning how to communicate around the topics of sex and sexuality.) Consent is difficult to reach if you are purposely leaving important information out. Maybe I'm a bit dense, but what is the harm with giving youth accurate information about sex education?

Learning to make good decisions is part of getting older, isn't it? Giving youth comprehensive information on sex education allows them to know what the risks are for pregnancy or HIV/STI transmission and how they can prevent it. I, for one, would be incredibly happy to never hear about a new season of "16 and pregnant" or "Teen Moms".

I've worked with a lot of youth in my undergraduate (interning at a juvenile prison & interning with a juvenile probation office) and professional life. My post college work with youth has been as a case manager at a half-way house (in other words, youth who were released directly from prison), as a probation office (and an active participant in a "teen court" program), and working with both HIV positive and HIV negative youth in the San Francisco Bay Area.

In short, I have had a lot of experience with youth--everyone from LGBTQIQ youth who are marginally housed and homeless to students who attend some of the finest (ie expensive & progressive) private college preparatory schools. When it comes to college age youth, I've provided sex education to people attending community colleges as well as premiere universities like Stanford.

Even though I am a non-breeder, I truly love being around teens and young adults. I hear so many parents complain about how they can't relate to their children and that they have no idea what they might or might not be doing sexually. The thing is, with me, I have the exact opposite effect with youth. Basically they tell me in intimate details who, where, and when they have hooked up with sexually. Some have even drawn me flow-charts...I'm not even kidding about this.

Maybe it's because I don't have my own kids that I am able to relate so well (and in such a meaningful way) to youth. Maybe it's because I am super awesome sex educator, or maybe it's because I am perpetually curious and am genuinely interested in speaking with them. Also, I may look younger than I am, but many of the high school youth I had daily contact with were young enough to be my children. So why is it that, in general, youth are so open to talking about sex and sexuality with me?

Here are a few of my thoughts on why youth are so willing to talk openly about sex with me.

I relate to them on their level. Ok, so maybe this makes me a bit un-sophisticated and immature, but I can talk to most youth about almost anything. It usually starts out with me asking something like:

"Whats going on at school?"

"Are you interested in anyone in particular?"

"What's the newest update with you, give me the 411",

"Hey, are you thinking about college yet?",

"What do you do for fun?"

or even

"So, have you been getting any penetration lately?"

Being that I am a super curious person, all I have to do is open the door with a few open-ended questions and the proverbial flood gates open up. I also come from a place that I recognize youth are sexual beings, which is something really difficult for a parent to conceive of.

I've figured out that there is an art to asking the correct questions. For example, If they say they have, indeed, had penetration, I will ask what kind, did they enjoy it, how do they feel about it now, is it with someone serious, do they need condoms and lube, etc.

It's been my experience that youth are way smarter and intuitive than they are given credit for. The youth I have known are really open to confiding intimate details about their life because they see me as a trusted adult and/or ally.

I don't want to give the impression that I'm advocating parents to go out and become their children's best friend. I mean, look at how well that has turned out for Lindsay Lohan and her mom. There needs to be some sort of rules or parameters, and those should be set by the parent.

I guess what I'm getting at is that I don't want people to think youth gravitate towards me because they see me as their pal and, therefore, a push over because 1) If you know anything about me and my past work experience (see above), you know I am anything but a push over, and 2) I have never had a problem calling a youth out on their shit. My process looks something like this--we have a private conversation, we discuss whatever the issue is and I then communicate what type of behavior is expected from them moving forward, and then I drop it and move on. I've lost count the number of times youth were obviously squeamish to be around me after our little private conversation. They are usually blown away that I am still around for them after they have messed up. I think it is these type of instances where I have left the biggest mark on emerging youth. There have been many times when I (along with other youth service providers) have been the first healthy relationship a youth has had with an adult, and it is something I take very seriously. Being an active person in a teens life can have dramatic results, even if that time is limited to only a few months.

I know that this might seem like a radical way of interacting with youth. Open and honest communication...how novel!

I get that not everyone is going to have the capacity to do this. In that case, the best I can hope for is that those youth have some adult in their life who they feel comfortable discussing this stuff with.

While I am not a fan of tampons, many vagina owners use them on a monthly basis. My personal reasons for not using them is twofold; they cause me to have wicked cramps and I know someone who almost DIED because of Toxic Shock Syndrome. I am much more partial to using Diva Cups and the Instead Soft Cup.

Tampons, it seems, are a hot topic.

FYI, I get the whole soaking tampons in alcohol thing. It is no different from when people take a nostril inhaler, dump out the contents, put in alcohol, and then squirt it into their rectum. Mucous membranes are an efficient way of getting substances into the blood stream. However, it generally is not something that is recommended. Vaginal and rectal tissue is really, really sensitive and introducing alcohol into either of them is dangerous.

Becca Brewer, who I've written about before (remember she is the fabulous creator of the FREE download of the WWWcharts), posted a blog article about how a vagina owner (and fans of) can save the world by ditching pads and tampons. She has graciously allowed me to re-run her blog post that was originally posted on April 26, 2010.

How Ditching Pads and Tampons Can Save The World

Those of you who are close to me know how much I love Menstrual Cups. When I began to hash this post out, I was simply going to rave about how amazing menstrual cups are.

And believe me, they are. They last for up to 10 years, can be worn for up to 12 hours, are hypoallergenic, have no TSS risks, don’t suck away the body’s natural fluids, are easy to carry, easy to transport, and are really cheap. Plus it’s my personal opinion that because they require manual removal by putting your fingers in your vag that they eventually make you less grossed out about periods, and help you to become more connected to what’s going on with your body.

But this post is not about all that stuff. This post is specifically going to speak to helping you all think more critically about how pads and tampons affect the environment.

DUDES. FELLAS. GUYS. PEOPLE WHO DON’T MENSTRUATE. This post is for you too. Even though I know that you don’t surf the crimson wave, I’m assuming that you may know one person who does. Maybe you have a wife or a girlfriend. Maybe you have a sister or a mom or an aunt or a daughter. Maybe you have a female friend. Maybe you know someone with a uterus. Even though you can’t use a menstrual cup, you can forward this post along or have a conversation with your uterus bearing acquaintance.

So let’s get on with it!

Pads and Tampons made by mainstream companies (Tampax, Kotex, OB, Playtex, Always, etc), are made in such a way that they do not biodegrade. This means that when you use these products, they will sit in a landfill far after you’ve stopped menstruating and even long after you’re no longer on this earth (either because of interplanetary travel or, you know, death).

And I’m not just talking the actual pads/tampons themselves. There are also the plastic tampon applicators, the plastic packaging that the pads/tampons come in, and any plastic packaging used to sell the products in multiples (assuming it’s a non-recyclable plastic).

All of it becomes waste that just sits in a landfill forever.

How much waste? Let’s do some math!

• Tampons are about 5 cubic inches in size.• Since I’m supposed to change my tampon every 4-6 hours, I’ll probably use about 6 per day.• If my cycle is 5 days, that’s 30 tampons.• Every cycle, I will create about 150 in3 (or .01 ft3) of waste that will sit in a landfill forever.• If I menstruate from the age of 11 to the age of 51 every 28 days; that means that I will have 521 cycles over the course of my menstruating life.• Over the course of my lifetime, I will leave behind 78,150 in3 (45 ft3) of non-biodegradable waste.• To reiterate that, I will leave behind a box that measures 3’ x 3’ x 5’ of used tampons (plus all of the plastic waste that came with my tampons) as a gift the next generation has to deal with. (And that box will be larger if I use pads.)

Now a 3’ x 3’ x 5’ box doesn’t seem like all that much space. Except, I hate to break this to you all, I am not the only menstruating woman in the world.

There are about 3 billion women in the world, actually. At some point in their lives, if not currently, most of these women will experience menstruation. Which means that even though I only fill a small box personally, if even a quarter of the women in the world use mainstream tampons … we’re working together to create some serious long-lasting waste.

To counterpoint this with Menstrual Cups; here’s some more math:• Menstrual Cups are about 1.6 in3 (.0009 ft3) in size.• Over the course of my lifetime, I might go through 5 menstrual cups.• Which means, if the cup doesn’t biodegrade (some do), I will leave 8 in3 (.005 ft3) of waste behind.• To reiterate, that is a box that is 2” x 2” x 2” of waste over the course of a lifetime. (Note that this is a tiny 2 inch cube, and the last example was a box measured in feet).• The cardboard box (if it came in one) and the paper instructions, along with the fabric bags I carried my cup in were all recycled or will biodegrade.

In addition to landfill space, there’s also the manufacturing process to think about. Now, I’m not a tampon manufacturer and I surely don’t know the process involved, however I’m assuming that to manufacture tampons, one needs electricity, raw materials, chemicals, and water.

Which are things you also need in manufacturing menstrual cups.

But, because I’m all about math right now, let’s look at this in numbers again.

• If we go back to the 30 tampons per cycle and 521 cycles in a lifetime model, over the course of my lifetime, I will need 15,360 tampons.• Let’s say I buy my tampons in 20 packs. This means I’ll need 782 packs of tampons over the course of my lifetime.

In thinking about my tampon use, I need to think about more than just the waste that results when I discard my tampons. I also need to think about all the resources required to make them AND the resources required to make the packaging my tampons come in. (Not to mention the shipping process that gets them into stores).

I need to think about this with menstrual cups too, but over the course of my lifetime, I may only need 5.

15,360 is way more than 5. 782 is way more than 5.

So even if it takes more resources to make 1 menstrual cup than it does to make 1 tampon, I’m using so many less menstrual cups that in the battle of both product and packaging manufacture, using tampons results in a much greater environmental strain.

Not to mention that tampons and pads are manufactured with chemicals (bleaching agents, adhesives, etc) that (while being bad for your body) also leach into the soil after you’ve thrown them away.

Now in terms of why they’re manufactured this way, I have no answers for you. But I can tell you that you’re not powerless in all this.

So what can you do?

Depends on your commitment. I’ll break it down for you:

Starting Small:• Switch to tampons that don’t use applicators or that use cardboard applicators instead of plastic applicators, thereby getting rid of applicator waste.• Use the smallest pads/tampons possible for your flow to cut down on the number of pads/tampons you’re using per cycle. (Don’t, however, leave them in/on longer as that could result in TSS or infection.)• Switch from pads to tampons. • Forward this post to other people you think should know about this.

Getting Serious• Switch to 100% cotton pads/tampons (Natracare, 7th Generation, etc) because they will biodegrade AND because their packaging is often paper-based and recyclable.• Write to the mainstream pad and tampon companies asking why they’re not making environmentally conscious products.• Ask your local drug stores, health food stores, and other retailers to have products like 100% cotton pads and tampons, cups, and reusable pads in stock.

Go Big or Go Home• Switch to a menstrual cup (Moon Cup, Diva Cup, The Keeper, Miacup, Lunette).• Switch to a washable, reusable pad (Glad Rags, Lunapads, etc.)• Start a petition to major corporations demanding they change the way their products are made.• Start a petition asking major tampon/pad companies to start manufacturing a line of ‘Green’ products.• Petition large retailers (like Target, Walgreens, Rite-Aid, etc) to carry products like cups, reusable pads and 100% cotton products for purchase.

In Conclusion

Go Green! And although I didn’t mention this specifically, this is one of those instances that by going green, you’re also going to save some green. Do I hear more math? Hell yeah!

• So, we’ve already discovered that I’m going to use 15,360 tampons over the course of my life. • I randomly looked up tampons on Amazon and the cheapest deal I could find was $.15 per tampon.• Which brings my lifetime grand total to: $2304 (pre tax and shipping).

• I’ve estimated 5 menstrual cups over a lifetime, but I’m going to up it to 10 for this example (people lose things, burn things, etc).• On Amazon (although I’ve found them cheaper elsewhere) the cheapest cup price is $22.• Which brings my lifetime grand total to: $220 (pre tax and shipping).

A total savings of: $2084

By switching to a cup, you’ll be saving your bank account AND the world.

01/16/2012

Harm reduction is probably one of my most favorite things about being a sex educator. Simply put, harm reduction means meeting people where they are at.

Most people are familiar with the harm reduction concept because it is used in reference to alcohol and drug use. For example, needle exchange programs are, in essence, the perfect harm reduction model and here is why--people who work with needle exchange acknowledge that people are IV drug users (notice, there is no judgement here), and provide them with clean needles in order to decrease the transmission of HIV and Hepatitis C. Some needle exchange programs even distribute literature on how a person can shoot up in a way that is going to do the least harm.

As someone who worked in the HIV positive community, I usually identify myself as someone who uses a harm reduction method when talking about sex education.

Ok, but what does that mean?

In a nutshell, it basically means that I acknowledge that most people engage in some type of sexual activity. Once I find out what type of sex they are having, I can talk about ways of minimizing personal risk or risk to others if that is something they are interested in.

In my case, the majority of the youth I worked with were either HIV positive or had an AIDS diagnosis, and sexual activity was the main mode of HIV transmission. The trend I noticed that at first surprised me was just how little HIV positive youth new about safer sex, much less about the HIV virus. This was one of those cases where people required basic sex education as well as specific sex education in relation to them being HIV positive (this is called "prevention with positives").

When working with HIV positive youth, harm reduction can be as simple as showing someone how to properly use a condom. It can also be incredibly complex and it can mean that you literally break down the level of risk involved in any sexual activity they participate in.

Many of the HIV positive people I worked with had their own harm reduction model--only they were not aware of it being a prevention strategy.

Hooking up online is really popular, and unless you met through a HIV poz website, you will most likely not know the HIV status of your newest partner. What I heard time and time again is because the HIV poz person didn't know their partners HIV status, they were more willing to "bottom" bareback. This works as a harm reduction method because 1) they already have HIV and 2) there is less risk of HIV transmission if you are "topping" bareback.

A lot of people take issue with this scenario because there is no HIV disclosure. However, believe it or not, this is harm reduction in action.

Engaging in barrier free receptive anal penetration is the most risky of all sexual activities when it comes to HIV infection. Offering up your ass constitutes harm reduction because it puts your partner at much less risk for HIV infection.

There are A LOT of people who find harm reduction troubling. They may hold certain religious, medical, political, or personal beliefs that are incongruent with harm reduction. The best I could do was hope like hell that these people were not providing any type of HIV treatment, care, or advocacy for my clients. I would have never referred an HIV positive person to someone who doesn't subscribe to the harm reduction model. I'm also someone who tends to be super protective, so it was common for me to accompany my clients to their medical appointments. Because my dad is a practicing physician and my mom was a former nurse, I never had the weird or uncomfortable feelings many have towards medical treatment providers. In fact, I learned that growing up with parents in the medical field was a huge asset when it came to medical advocacy for others.

I've mentioned this before, but it is my experience that disclosing that you are HIV positive is not always commonplace amongst some communities. Many people assume that if your partner doesn't say anything, then they are HIV negative. Also, many people never ASK about the STI/HIV/AIDS status of their partner.

For the record, I strongly believe that YOU need to be an active participant in your sexual health. This means getting tested regularly for all STIs. It also means talking with your partner (even if it is a one time hook up) about their sexual health history. Alternatively, you can use a barrier and stick to sexual activities that are less risky if you don't know your partners HIV/STI/AIDS status.

Let's face it, it is really difficult to make an empowered and informed decision about sexual risk if you don't know what parameters you are working with. Not talking about it doesn't mean that everyone involved is HIV/STI/AIDS negative.

Most people who are not in the sexuality community find bringing up the topics of sex and sexuality to be really, really uncomfortable. I get it. It's not like anyone really teaches us this skill. However, I believe that the majority of your partners will be thankful for you broaching the subject. Incidentally, it is also one of those things that gets easier the more often you do it.

01/12/2012

I admit that it tickles me that my last post on Sex Nerd Sandra was so well received....but, unfortunately, I've got a touch of writer's block.

I think it has to do with my newest project, CatherinesSexGlossary. Somehow I've managed to post **210 definitions in only a few weeks. Crazy stuff, right? If you check it out my new blog and like it, please do me a solid and 'Digg' it (if you happen to have an account).

I'll be back in a few days.

If there is a particular topic you would like to see me tackle here, feel free to leave me a blog comment or shoot me an email (catherine@catherinecoaches.com).

Smooches

**If you see something inaccurate or a term that could be worded better, please let me know.**

01/09/2012

Sandra Daugherty--aka Sex Nerd Sandra--is super awesome. When you are a sex educator or someone in the community, you tend to hear a lot about people who you have never met. You may be friends with them on social media, but have never met them in person. Attending professional conferences like AASECT and SSSS are wonderful ways of putting faces to names.

I had the pleasure of meeting Sandra in person this past spring and immediately liked her. I later learned that, when we first met, she had mixed feelings about me. You know how sometimes there are just those people you meet who, for what ever reason, remind you of someone else? Well, I was one of those people for Sandra (and not in the good way). Thank goodness she acknowledged those feelings and decided to say "Hey, Catherine isn't (insert name here), so I might as well get to know her further."

I tend to be one of those people who remind you of other people, and that can either be a really good thing or a really bad thing.

Sandra has been working as a sex educator at The Pleasure Chest in Los Angeles for almost 4 years. She also is the resident sex blogger for nerdist.com and has her own fabulous "Sex Nerd Sandra" podcast. The SNS podcast is immensely popular, and I was lucky enough to be one of her first guests for the live taping of the 'G Spot TMI' podcast this summer. The podcasts are really amazing and her whole philosophy behind them is to keep things real and relateable.

It is difficult for me to put into words how much I like Sandra. Sandra is super smart, approachable, funny as shit, and, due to being mixed race, is rocking a mysterious and exotic look. She doesn't take herself too seriously and is someone who hasn't let the whole Hollywood "people totally know who I am" thing change who she is.

Sandra is someone who is super nerdy about the topics of sex and sexuality and will spend a colossal amount of time doing research. Because she works in retail, she knows practically everything about sex toys. I'm not kidding, she is someone who will open the toy just to see how it is put together and she has been known for putting together a sort of franken-sextoy by utilizing parts of 2 or more toys. That, my friends, is what you call commitment!

Getting to know someone who calls herself "Sex Nerd Sandra" is pretty amazing. But can you imagine my complete surprise when I discovered that her SNS podcast is hosted by Nerdist Industries? As you probably know, I have great affection for Chris Hardwick (@nerdist), and have made that pretty clear. After all, he is the person I blame for introducing me to the concept of cake farts. For someone who is hugely anally fixated, this is not something easily forgotten! Cake farts aside, I have been an enthusiastic fan of his for years as he is a stand up comic, often appears on the Chelsea Lately round-table, and is the host of Web Soup and his Nerdist.com podcast. Finding out that Sandra is associated with him was just the cherry on top of a big ole bucket of awesome.

If you live in the Los Angeles area and are looking for a qualified sexuality speaker for a college event, private party, or special event, I highly recommend Sandra. You can follow her on twitter @sexnerdsandra and become her facebook fan here.

01/08/2012

I have to admit that there are a handful of famous women who, when I see pictures of them, make my heart swoon. It's almost as if their beauty is so overpowering to me that I am left temporarily breathless.

Who are these beguiling women?

Michelle Williams

These pictures from the 2008 Academy Award led to a gasp that was heard around the world (ok, maybe I'm being a little overly dramatic).

Michelle has recently been in the news for her role as Marilyn Monroe. However, she also recently gave an interview about how only women and gay men love her in short hair. She said she wears it short to honor the one man (all bets are on Heath Ledger) in her life who loved it short.

Maybe it's because she looks like an angel, but I could look at photos of her face for hours and never get bored.

Kate Bosworth

Kate's eyes are mesmerizing! She was born with a condition called heterochromia which is why her eyes are 2 different colors. Her cheekbones are also incredible. Surprisingly, she doesn't smile in photographs most of the time.

Yes, she is very, very thin...but it's her face that captivates me.

Norah Jones

Besides being wildly talented, Norah is simply stunning. Her face in angelic and expressive, yet still vulnerable.

Her ethnicity is mixed (her father is Indian and her mother is White). She makes my heart go pitter-patter.

Lisa Bonet

Ahh Lisa Bonet. I totally admit that, besides being my most favorite Cosby child, I secretly wanted to be her when I was in high school. Have you ever caught a re-run of her spin-off, A Different World? That was filmed in the late 1980's to very early 1990's (before she was let go for being pregnant) and her ENTIRE wardrobe--I'm not even exaggerating--is still uber fashionable in 2012.

Her ethnicity is mixed (her father is African American and her mother is Jewish). In case you youngsters didn't know this, she was also married to Lenny Kravitz (he used to go by the name Romeo Blue & his mom played Helen Willis on the Jeffersons).

Lisa stepped away from show business many years ago, but I will still stop and watch the Cosby Show to see if I can catch a glimpse of her.

~~

Ok so it totally occurred to me that all the women I mentioned are terribly thin. The funny thing is that, while I am aware of that fact, I almost never look at their body. Really, it is their faces that entrance and delight me.

This may be hard to believe but this isn't a self-loathing blog post where I wish I looked more like Michelle, Kate, Norah, and Lisa. For me it is not about wanting another life or wishing I were more stunning. This is about the absolute beauty I see when I look at their faces.

01/05/2012

About 5 years ago I met someone in person who knocked my socks off. Smart as a whip, confident, down to earth, fearless, and easy on the eyes are terms that come to mind when I think about Becca Brewer.

Quite frankly, she was the bomb. She still is.

You all are probably familiar with her name because I have used some of her "BeccasSexBlog" posts as she graciously allowed me to rerun a few that are my most favorite.

Becca is what I would consider a certified gold sex educator.

Her newest venture is called "SmartHotFun", and you can find out all about her, the work she does, and how to contact her from her website.

Becca has taken the time and love to put together a super comprehensive set of charts called the Want!Will...Won't.Chart. This is an amaze-balls tool that helps you clarify exactly what YOU want when it comes to sexual activity. This chart can be used by anyone regardless of your current sex situation. Think of it as a kind of Yes, No, Maybe chart, only way better.

Becca has given me permission to distribute her chart to my readers. You can download it from my website by going here. You can also get to it by clicking on the "Get Our Free Want!Will...Won't.Chart" button found in the upper left of my blog.

This pdf download will be sent for FREE to the email address you provide.

One word of caution is that this chart is the mother of all charts. It comes with a full set of instructions, and you can fill it out at your leisure. There is no time limit and you can feel free to share some or all of your results with your partner(s) when ever you are ready. If you never want to show the chart to someone you are sleeping with, that is totally alright. It is more of an empowerment tool for YOU.