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Wednesday, April 15, 2015

A museum tour is halted at its
centerpiece, the sword of Alexander the Great, by Chris Kilos (George Touliatos), a weird, old man who
is obsessed with the sword and its fabled ability to protect its wielder.Using Machiavellian levels of deception
(read: he gets a guard to fetch him something while he rigs the security
system), Kilos’ muscle manage to steal the sword without a whit of subtlety but
the loss of life of several people.Not
understanding the true nature of the sword (even though we’re supposed to think
he does, because his knowledge of Alexander the Great is kind of part of the
reason why he was fascinated by the weapon in the first place), Kilos uses the
sword, as wielded by his henchman Jodar (Christopher
Lee Clements), to make a mint in illegal, underground death matches.Oh, psychic cop Andrew Garrett (Lorenzo Lamas) and museum curator Julie
(Claire Stansfield) are tepid on
Kilos’ trail, too.

Nick Rotundo’s Gladiator Cop
is rather ambitious, on paper at least.It’s set up as a story about destiny in line with something like The Sword in the Stone (or Matt Wagner’s Mage comic book series), replete with magic blade.It has elements of reincarnation and
revenge.It has a psychic police
officer, who you would think was an absolute boon to the department, but in
reality is not so much.It has blood
sports aplenty, engaged in by colorful (yet somehow still bland) characters
like The Angel of Death (Gary Goodridge),
The Butcher (Howard Putterman), and
(most importantly) Mongol (Garry Robbins).Yet, it’s this last component in which the
film has any real interest.The movie feels
like time killer scenes interspersed between scenes of gladiatorial combat
(which are longer [or feel longer] and are handled with more care than the
non-action scenes).

Andrew is alerted to the museum
break-in, not by his partner (or I assume it’s his partner, since they work
together when it’s convenient for them to do so in a scene) Leo (Frank Anderson), but by Julie, whose
relationship to Andrew we have absolutely zero information about (and at first,
I assumed she was his partner).Andrew
appears to have absolutely no responsibilities around his precinct, and he
dives into this investigation (despite some very light admonishment not to; and
this doesn’t even come from his moderately tempered black captain, played by Eugene Clark) alongside Julie, which
makes no sense in the slightest, seeing as how at this point there is no reason
he needs to keep her near him and under guard, and she most likely wouldn’t
know sweet fuck-all about how to maneuver around a crime scene (not to mention
morgues typically make for bad dates).Their love scene is completely unmotivated and abruptly inserted (no pun
intended). We simply cut to them sliding
into bed together, but the worst part of it all is that the scene is entirely
non-titillating.All of this is filler
until Andrew finally gets his hands on the sword and enters the arena/abandoned
factory.And even then, the film pays
off none of what it promises in its plot segments.I could get behind a hodgepodge of a film if
the filmmakers at least try to link their plot points together.But all Gladiator
Cop leaves you with is the dots with no numbers and no pencil with which to
connect them.

Andrew is an incomplete man.The first time we see him, it is in a dream
where he sees himself being killed (or maybe just stabbed, though the
implication is heavy on the former) on a very loosely decorated Ancient Greek
set (it looks like something out of a Heart music video, circa 1985).If the notion of Alexander the Great’s belief
in reincarnation and our hero’s introductory scene don’t clue you in to what
I’m sure the writers thought was a huge twist, you’ve probably not seen very
many movies.Still, I like the idea that
Andrew is meant to be together with the sword, that he needs it.In some ways, he embodies the duality of the
warrior and the artist.He keeps a dream
journal, in which he draws what he remembers.He’s also psychic, the implication being that he has a certain
sensitivity, since when he reaches out with this power, he is affected on both a
physical and an emotional level.He even
flashes back to his past life while fencing, an indication that he is a born
blade wielder; he’s just stuck with the wrong blade (for now).Of course, he also works as a police officer,
a modern equivocation with the classic warrior ideal.However, he needs Alexander’s sword specifically
in order to sync these two sides up with each other, to become whole.

Amazingly, Kilos has no interest
in the sword as anything other than a means to make money (which, in turn,
allows him to hire pricey hookers), especially since he claims to believe in
the true power the sword has.He doesn’t
care who wields the sword for him, and we have no clue as to why Jodar was
chosen as his champion in the first place.On the other side, there is Parmenion (James Hong) who knows a lot more about the sword than anyone else,
and has a close link to Andrew’s past (hint: you’ll never guess what it is from
the flashback sequences).About Kilos’
exercising the sword’s might, Parmenion says “He has the right sword but not
the right man.”And even here,
Parmenion’s motivations aren’t displayed as being about the eternal struggle
between good and evil.They’re actually
quite silly (considering the circumstances), and my mind boggles as to why he
went to all this effort in order to reach this end.

Continuing with my harping,
Andrew is an extremely passive protagonist.He makes almost no major discoveries in the course of his
investigation.He doesn’t even take his
job all that seriously.One example of
this is when Julie tells Andrew that she wants to go to the museum, but he says
no because it’s too dangerous.But after
she suggests they look at more of Andrew’s dream journal instead, he says he’ll
get Leo to drive her there (jocularity!).As if Andrew has something better to do at this point in time (which we
don’t see him doing, regardless).Further, the next scene at the museum involves Julie and Kilos, with Leo
(her supposed bodyguard) nowhere in sight. This passivity is the film’s biggest
detriment.Andrew is just there.He doesn’t partake in the plot.He doesn’t move the story forward.His sole purpose is to make it to the end
fight, but by that point, I honestly couldn’t give a shit whether he lived or
died.Furthermore, there is no
denouement after all this has been piled up in front of us.There are no clarifications, no tying up of
loose threads (of which there are plenty); just a cut to the end titles.If filmmakers don’t care enough to give a
viewer a complete film, I don’t think it’s too much to suggest that the viewer
shouldn’t have to give them their full attention.Maybe if you don’t, you’ll enjoy Gladiator Cop more than I did.

MVT:The basic ideas in the
film are solid, and there are a lot of intriguing ways they could have played
out.But they didn’t.

Make or Break:The opening
burglary scene was actually quite impressive, and it got my expectations
falsely heightened for a good, little, low budget action film.For a hook/inciting incident, it does its job
admirably.

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