Wednesday, June 23, 2010

He warned us. He gave BP 48 hours or else. And after 2 months of millions of gallons of oil spilling into the ocean, it’s official: Obama will have to kick his own ass.

When he gave the original warning, he took a lot of flack. “I don’t sit around just talking to experts because this is a college, uh, seminar,” said Obama, a former university professor. “We talk to these folks because they potentially have the best answers so that I know whose ass to kick.” This sent the media into a tizzy, setting off a race-baiting war of words.

For over 2 years now, we’ve all been wondering what it would take to get all sides of the media riled up over something he’s said. When he said, “Under my plan of a cap and trade system, electricity rates would necessarily skyrocket,” the media didn’t bat an eye. When he mentioned his desire to “spread the wealth around,” most of the media looked the other way. And recently he said, “I do think at a certain point you’ve made enough money.” Still the media remained silent.

But, when he said the word “ass,” all hell broke loose.

Once again those on the left side of the isle fought to racially charge the American public. After years of being accused of not being black enough, they suggested that he’s now too black. And, worse, it has been suggested that he’s an “angry” black man. And, according to CNN’s John Blake, “Many white Americans don't like angry black men.”

Luckily, the media’s attempt to instigate Rodney King-like riots has failed. And, we should put all that behind us now, because for the first time, Obama will step up to the plate and take his licks.

It’s obvious why he came to the conclusion that the backside needing punishment was his own. Oil rigs are to be inspected every month, but the BP rig only had 6 inspections in 2008. Records show a total of 16 missed inspections. The last “inspector” sent wasn’t an inspector, but an inspector who had just started training. And, his ignorance of the Jones Act has delayed the cleanup process.

Perhaps the greatest offense pointing to Obama’s guilt is his insistence on wasting his time passing anti-American legislation. He’s been so focused on government regulations against the individual’s freedom that it’s left little time for regulations that might truly matter. He’s stayed fixated on infringing upon the rights of the little guy, while ignoring regulations put in place to prevent a giant environmental disaster.

He was focused on health care coverage, and making sure that all Americans were forced to have it whether they wanted it or not. He didn’t realize then that if the ocean water is replaced with oil, it could lead to the destruction of the human race as we know it, rendering health care passé.

He was busy using his time and effort, and all our environmental resources, on his cap and trade plan. He didn’t have time to worry about an environmental issue that could actually happen. He was occupied with perpetuating the mass hysteria that air is going to cause the Earth to overheat and kill us all. Now, not only will every glacier melt and submerge all 7 continents, but we’ll be covered with oil as well.

Still, many say this punishment is perhaps too extreme. He could have simply cancelled one of his family vacations back to his homelands, Kenya and Indonesia. He could have just apologized to the American people for all his months of government waste, fraud, spending, and negligence. Or, he could have suggested his own impeachment for crimes against the Constitution. But, as a man of integrity, he knew that all those options were too easy.

Truman proved it with Hiroshima; Reagan proved it with Qaddafi; and now, Obama will prove with his own rear-end that there is no more severe a punishment than a presidential ass whooping.

Still, many of those on the right will hate everything Obama does no matter what it is. They argue that his self-inflicted punishment is for egocentric reasons. They contend he is trying to re-invent himself with the realization that people are turned off by narcissism, but respect humility; that he hopes he can use his butt in a punt to score a political field goal.

They claim that he knew he didn’t need to meet with BP CEO Tony Hayward because he had already figured out who needed a foot to the derriere. But, he agreed to talks with the CEO as a PR stunt that would hopefully take the attention off his tush.

“I’m not sure he is well-suited for the kind of contortionism necessary to self-inflict this kind of punishment to my satisfaction,” said one voter. Others wonder why he doesn’t ask for a volunteer to give him a kick in the pants. After all, Karl Rove and Dick Cheney have wanted to kick his ass for a long time.

The President’s supporters say performing the act himself shows that he’s a man of his word. One pollster said that Americans can only take 937 broken promises and campaign lies before public opinion starts to shift. This statement would represent lie 938, if he does not do the butt kicking himself.

At one time, the United States was the greatest nation on Earth. We saw the tides turning when we saw our President bow in submission to Saudi Arabia’s leader. Still, no one ever would have thought that our country would go so low as to have the Leader of the so-called “Free World” attaching to his back a self-created “kick me” sign.

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs has yet to announce when the ceremonial ass kicking will take place. Tea Party leaders have said that once the date is announced they will begin erecting mega-screens across the country for the ultimate movie viewing experience.

Congressional Democrats have asked that Congress observe a 45 second moment of silence in reverence to our fallen leader. And, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has already warned Republicans that any laughter will result in “Joe Wilson consequences.”

(Disclaimer: This story is an entirely fictitious parody. To the author’s knowledge, Obama is not double-jointed. Obama has not announced any plans of self-harm as punishment for his role and response to the BP oil spill. For now, Obama is still meeting with BP and “experts,” and his warning to kick the gluteus maximus of those responsible remains an empty threat.)