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Lesser Known Tales Of Heroism: Theodore Roosevelt and The Black Hole Machine

Theodore Roosevelt was a man of intense erotic passion and pure, burly strength. Historians have written that describing his love-making style can only be accomplished by mimicking a chainsaw noise. Once, Harry Houdini, upon noticing Theo’s strapping figure, remarked “How many crunches do you do per day?” Theo snarled and responded “I eat crunches like you for breakfast.” It would take both of these traits to stop the biggest, yet most unknown danger in American history.

In early 1905, Theo got word that Maximillion Von Hitler had invented a gravity machine; one powerful enough to create black holes. Theo, after debating with his cabinet over the best strategy to deal with this possible international threat, pulled his axe out from under his desk in the oval office, one with the words “My Big Stick” carved in it, and swung it powerfully through his own chair. His cabinet recoiled in horror and then leaned forward in admiration. “This isn’t a matter to fuck with” Theo is reported to have said.

Theo’s prototype aero plane, “The Flying Moose” was readied, and after an argument with the original pilot, it was decided that Theo himself would command it. Intelligence had reported that Von Hitler had holed himself up in the Alps and only Theo had the skills necessary to fly the craft through the dangerous snows and winds. Theo kissed his wife goodbye, a kiss that is noted to have raised the temperature of the air around them. He then knelt down and patted his son, Quentin, on the head. “I may not return from my journey” he told his favorite offspring, “and if I don’t, let America know what happened there. The code is 37225. If I shall fall, punch it in.” Quentin nodded at this, and no further explanation for it has been given.

The flight was indeed perilous, but Theo didn’t waver the entire time. He whistled songs to himself as his crew sat shivering in the back and once, when a man asked why more food hadn’t been brought for the trip, Theo replied “A skinny man better dodges punches. Dodge punches.”

Landing atop Mont Blanc, the highest peak in the Alps, they proceeded quickly, leaving behind no trace as they tracked Von Hitler. Some men starved to death on the hike, but to raise moral, Theo told the survivors “You shall have the weakling’s wives upon return.” In three days, they found Von Hitler’s lair and devised a secret method for a quiet entrance. Theo promptly ignored this method, inventing his own, something he titled “FREEDOM, HOOOOOOOO” and chopped down the front gate of Von Hitler’s snowy compound.

After dealing with guards, using a mixture of judo and pure American fortitude, Theo made his way to the main chamber, where Von Hitler told him that it was too late, and that the Black Hole Machine was already fully operational. “Tell that to the children of the red, white and blue, Von Shitler,” Theo told him, and as Von Hitler started it up and aimed it at the charging Roosevelt, Theo put all his strength into one punch.

You know, like this part.

Some scientists say that black holes lead to other dimensions, and on that day, the other dimensions got their asses handed to them with a single blow. The gravity around the machine was said to have stopped for an instant as Theo’s right cross shattered steel and pure matter alike. Von Hitler cried out, but his life was ended with a sharp left kick. Little did Theo know that, silently watching his father’s murder, was a young boy, the son of Maximillion Von Hitler, who from that day forward vowed revenge.

On the return flight to America, to keep the peace, Theo told his crew not to reveal what had happened on the journey. The crew complied and when The Flying Moose landed, Theo immediately got off, sprinted to the White House and loudly made love to his darling wife.