DERF Happy Hour

New Orleans Saints put bounty on NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell

NEW ORLEANS, LA - The New Orleans Saints have apparently not learned a lesson from the series of suspensions that were leveled by the NFL. Following suspensions that were issued because of a bounty system that offered rewards for inflicting injury, the Saints have reportedly issued a bounty on NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.

“Obviously, we are hoping that the appeal process works out to our benefit,” said Saints head coach Sean Payton. “Rest assured we are going through the proper legal channels and fighting this miscarriage of justice this with every inch of our being. We’re also willing to throw a little dough at anyone who takes a good poke at Commissioner Goodell. As a wise man once told me, kill the head and the body will die.”

The actual amount of cash involved, and the amount of physical injury required to collect the bounty remain unknown. “I’ll just say we’re looking to take this guy out of the game for a while,” said an unnamed member of the Saints defensive coaching staff. “Nothing too serious, we just want to kill his head. Maybe sweep the knee and then uppercut his head and then watch while he walks around sideways. You know, just good clean fun.”

The commissioners office became concerned after receiving several phone calls from New Orleans asking for a copy of Roger Goodell’s medical records. “They wanted really specific information about any physical weaknesses he might have,” said secretary Lidia Bertsch. “They asked if he’d had any recent concussions or ACL surgeries. It was a rather chilling conversation.”

Members of the Saints staff would not confirm or deny that the call came from them. “It’s just how the game is played,” said another coach who wished to remain anonymous. “And if you’re gonna play that game, play it right. That includes doing research and scouting. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m searching for a good rusty nail. Word on the street is Roger has not had a tetanus shot in over twelve years.”