Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Tired

It's been a while. Treatment has it's process and I feel like most of the time it's working. I really REALLY like my therapist. I feel like I'm on the verge of some break throughs. Well I'm really in the middle of some break throughs.

I have a lot of flaws and I struggle so hard to mask them instead of embrace them and deal with them that I just end up failing miserably. The worst part is knowing that by doing this I have pushed people so far that they have become tired of me. I can't really blame them. I'm tired of me to.

It's hard to come to terms with the consequences that this has brought to my life and for the past two days I have not wanted to do anything. I haven't wanted to eat, I haven't wanted to be happy, and I haven't wanted to live. It took a moment of self-pity to realize that I can be better. The reason this is happening is because of my choices and to beg and plead will not work. Nothing I do may ever make anything that's going on in this moment better.

I wish that I didn't have to wait to lose what feels like everything to have the flame of change lit inside of me. Perhaps one day I will not be that way. Perhaps one day I will be able to recognize the needs of others and really hear them before they are tired.

I'm tired too. I'm tired of fighting myself. I'm tired of making things hard for myself all of the time. It's really time to stop wishing and thinking. It's time to start doing.

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About Me

Diabulima is an eating disorder that effects T1 diabetics. This occurs when a diabetic omits their insulin for the purpose of losing weight. I have been battling this debilitating condition for over 8 years and am now starting to seek proper treatment. I hope to document my treatment process as honestly and accurately as possible because there is not a lot of information available about this disease. I invite you to read and comment on posts with any questions and I will try to answer them.