An Accused Flasher Is Claiming Innocence On Grounds That His Penis Is Too Small

A 54-year-old delivery man in Germany known as Herbert O., due to the fact that the court has not released his full name, has been accused of delivering an — ahem — unwanted package to a teenage girl. The girl and her mother reported to police that the man had approached their house with his bratwurst (I’m so sorry) hanging out of his unzipped pants on full display, however the man claims that’s impossible due to the fact that his penis is too small to even be able to accomplish such a feat.

The man’s poor, probably extremely sexually unsatisfied wife has even backed him up, so now the court has ordered an official penis measuring.

“I’m sorry, darling, but your penis is too short to hang out of your trousers,” she told the local court in the town of Leer in East Frisia (Lower Saxony). Confronted with this conflicting evidence, defence lawyer Lutz Winkler suggested that judge Ulrike Andrees check its believability herself.

“That was too uncomfortable for the judge” to do in court, he said. Instead, Andrees has asked the coroners’ office in Oldenburg to make an exact measurement of Herbert’s hardware, giving her a yardstick for her final decision.

“If the wife has spoken out so frankly about this, I have to follow it up,” she said.

I don’t want to be insensitive to the victim here, but if both the guy and his wife are willing to go on record that the guy’s dick is the size of a peanut, then maybe, you know, just take his word for it. That’s almost as emasculating as confessing that they were home watching Grey’s Anatomy when it happened.