Welcome back to the EC…W Report? OK,
what the fuck is this shit? Warehouse 13?
SyFy? DAMN IT.

*Waits two days*

OK, that’s better. Still stuck with
that retarded channel name, though. Clearly,
Hooked on Phonics is not needed to be an NBC Universal
executive. Impropper gramer iz kewl!

Still standing here in Bakersfield!
Isn’t that where The Running Man is set? A fine
film, featuring professional wrestler Jesse Ventura.
ECW coming back just brings everything full circle.
Eh, I got nothing.

One of the Bellas (who gives a
crap) Vs. Katie Lea Burchill

OK, because you care, OBVIOUSLY, it’s
Nikki who’s fighting. They proceed to give quite
possibly the shittiest promo I’ve ever heard that NO ONE
GIVES A SHIT ABOUT YOU TWO FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GET THE
HELL OFF OF MY TV. Whoop, sorry there, must’ve
missed taking my meds earlier. Anyway, the promo?
They say their names, then they reverse it (Brie calls
herself Nikki and vice versa) and then they say they’re
the Bella twins. Like I said, horrible. But,
not as horrible as what’s on Katie Lea’s face. OK,
I lied, it’s still worse. But yeah, apparently
Katie was inspired by the Mike Tyson handbook of
tattoos, because she’s got quite the design on her face.
Well, at least she got her own music, which isn’t half
bad.

So, after venting for a little bit…oh
crap, there’s a match? Yeah, basically Katie beats
the SHIT out of Nikki for about 4 minutes straight, only
for the twins to switch and have Brie score with a
facebuster to pick up the pin. Sorry, didn’t work
for Jacob & Eli Blu, doesn’t work now.

Winner: The worthless twins…now in
female variety!

What Stood Out: Actually, for what
it’s worth, Katie Lea looked damn good in the ring,
managing to get something remotely compelling out of
those wastes of space. Her various backbreakers
and neckbreakers looked damn harsh, that’s for sure.
OH WELL, you weren’t hired from a modeling agency, so
straight to jobberville for you! The only way this
would’ve been worse is if she was hit with the DEADLY
ROLL-UP that was a hit with those kinds of divas not too
long ago. Looking at you, Kelly Kelly.

After the match is over, they are wasting
NO TIME tonight, that’s for sure. After doing a
recap of Shelton Benjamin’s delicious racism last week,
we go right into the ring entrances of the next match…

Yoshi Tatsu Vs. Shelton Benjamin

Yoshi’s music isn’t doing him any favors,
that’s for sure. It’s a shame it cut to commercial
when he came out, because I want to see what his ‘tron
looks like know. Just him throwing that
roundhouse, over and over. It’s no Gregory Helms
“tilts head to the left,” I’m sure.

So these two decide to have an actual
match this week, with Shelton wailing away on Yoshi for
the first few minutes, as a probably piped-in “Yoshi”
chant gets going. Yoshi fights back with some
kicks of his own, but now it’s the BLACK man who’s
calling the shots! Or not, because he gets caught
in a backslide as soon as I typed that. Thankfully
(because I don’t want two bullshit matches in a row)
that only gets a two. Yoshi tries for the
roundhouse as soon as Shelton gets up, but Benjamin
bails to the outside immediately. So to sum up
this match so far: punch, punch, kick, dropkick,
maybe a wrestling move at one point, and more kicks.

Back from break, Yoshi hits a running
cross body, but when he tries to go for a second, he
whiffs, then gets alley oop’d into the turnbuckle,
before working in the WWE STYLE KOKINA CLUTCH.
Again, more chants for Yoshi. Never has one kick
gotten someone so over. Shelton works some camel
clutchage for a little while, only to start a nice
little exchange that ends with another two count on
Shelton. After that, Yoshi decides to get good all
of a sudden, hitting a nice handful of moves.
First was like a roll-through snapmare into a buzzsaw
kick to a seated Benjamin, which gets a two. Next
is a springboard spinning heel kick, which gets another
two. Sadly, his Japanese style is NO MATCH FOR WWE
GENERIC STYLE, as after both guys whiff on roundhouse
kicks, Shelton scores with the Paydirt for the win.

Winner: Shelton Benjamin

What Stood Out: Actually an OK
match, even if it was a bit light on the actual
wrestling. I’m not a real viewer of Japanese
wrestling, so you’re going to have to cut me some slack
on this one. However, Yoshi did look impressive
tonight. Shame someone had to lose, seeing how
both guys are new to ECW. But, that’s how both
people get put over. I would assume Triple H did
not see this match.

Hey, haven’t seen one of these in a while
– USELESS KOZLOV TRAINING FILLER GO! I just find
it funny how those video packages make him look so
awesome, and then that gets IMMEDIATELY cancelled out as
soon as he steps in the ring. Wait, that’s not
funny. That’s just tragic.

Since it’s the middle of the show…RAW
RECAP. God, Ted Dibiase’s laugh is still awesome.
If he does that during any of his Million Dollar Man act
while doing his sermons, I AM SO FUCKING MOVING TO PALM
SPRINGS IMMEDIATELY. Virgil as an altar boy?
GOD I hope so. Tell me you wouldn’t love your
reverend wearing the Million Dollar Belt over his robe.
So yeah, there was also some stuff about the Main Event,
which I thought was boring as hell. “I got you in
a sleeper!” “NO, I got YOU in a sleeper!”
That sucked when I was 6, and it sucked when I’m 26.

Ezekiel Jackson Vs. Some Jobber

Hey, way to debut man…about 3 months after
you were drafted. He proceeds to play catch up
with a little insert promo as he gets in the ring.
He’s going to dominate, blah blah, nothing you haven’t
heard before. Also, don’t quote me on this, but
I’m pretty sure his theme music is from the Brawl for
All, only with lyrics added. So he’s like a black
Dr. Death. Black Death? If it wasn’t already
taken by a medieval plague, that’d be a kickass
nickname. Fuck it, it’s sticking.

Well DAMN, this guy probably knew he had
to make an impression, because he fucking DESTROYS this
guy. It looks pretty painful – I mean, he makes a
damn BEARHUG look deadly. Zeke adds on a LARIATO,
running the guy into the turnbuckle after throwing him
into the air and catching him, and slam dunking the
jobber with a standing uranage to end it.

Winner: Ezekiel Jackson

What Stood Out: OUCH. Safe
style probably isn’t in this guy’s vocabulary. As
far as squashes go, this was the squashiest. So,
good job.

TO THE BACK now, where a female backstage
hand (who’s thin and attractive so I have no doubt that
she works in stage construction and set design) falls
off a ladder and gets saved by SOME MYSTERIOUS MASKED
MAN IN BLACK AND GREEN THAT I HAVE NO CLUE WHO IT IS NO
SIR. The mystery man swooshes off as General
Manager Generic Blonde Tiffany pops into frame to ask
what happened. Way to earn that paycheck!

OK, after a blatantly false DID YOU KNOW
bumper (SyFy didn’t exist one week ago, let alone 40)
let’s try this trainwreck again. Abraham
Washington is out to host his talk show again.
Yay. After some completely undeserved
self-fellatio, he brings out Tommy Dreamer as his guest
this week. Apparently, no one finds it absurd that
they’re sitting in a pretend talk show set in the middle
of the ring. I guess once Eric Bischoff has done
it, it’s perfectly natural in the wrestling world.
So, taking a page out of Raven’s playbook, numerous fat
jokes ensue. Though, Dreamer does get in a snappy
comeback, claiming his diet is working about as well as
this talk show. Score one for self-deprecation and
realizing how shitty this segment is! Dreamer is
quick to name-drop various ECW alumnus, including (of
course because it’s required in the WWE to say his name
whenever possible) Eddie Guerrero. Dreamer has
some good chops, as he then makes a comeback from
another fat joke by ripping on Washington’s shiny dome.
So, after amateur hour, they get down to talking about
the main event tonight, which brings out Kozlov in his
ridiculously red outfit. Dude looks like a walking
stop sign. Well, no fisticuffs between the two
tonight, as Abraham just puts over how great Kozlov is
before going to break. A break, may I add, that is
trying to sell how AWESOME and CAN’T MISS a match
between Chavo Guerrero and Hornswoggle is going to be.
Thank GOD I don’t get WGN. Oh yeah, this talk show
crap was better than last week, at least. Of
course, I’ve taken shits more entertaining than last
week with the Bellas.

Dreamer gets on commentary for this match,
and immediately becomes awesome by turning into full-on
Don King promoter mode for the match. Also, I
haven’t noticed this, but Christian’s outfit has gotten
progressively more…um, sequined. Now, I know the
guy’s married, so he loves the pussy, but still.
Christian and his designer need to have a little talk
about their feelings.

Christian gets the advantage with speed
early, but the sheer hossiness wins out eventually.
Oops, spoke too soon, as Christian low bridges Kozlov
out of the ring, using a baseball slide to keep him out.
Oops, spoke too soon again. Kozlov headbutts
Christian, tosses him outside, and then brings him back
in for happy fun time. Side bearhug, fallaway
slam, torture rack, all that good stuff.
Throughout this, both announcers take turns taking
potshots at the champ, saying how he’s dodging Kozlov.
Admirable, but there is a match going on and all, guys.
Christian finally turns it around when he slips out of
getting rammed into the steel on the outside, and then
hitting a missile dropkick for two. Kozlov answers
back with a Shock Treatment for two, as the announcers
make fun of Dreamer for sweating through his suit, while
JUST SITTING THERE. Guess we know who’s the new
Mark Henry around here! Anyway, this match ends
really suddenly when Kozlov misses a running headbutt to
the corner, and Christian hits a Killswitch for the win.

Winner: Christian

What Stood Out: The result, really.
Have to say, I was expecting Dreamer/Kozlov at the PPV.
I’m guessing a higher up realized the gates of hell
would open up and rain fire onto the planet the second
that catastrofuck got started, and nixed the idea in
favor of Dreamer/Christian, part 4,167. Still have
about 148,693 matches to go to catch up with Orton/HHH,
though.

After the bell, Christian goes up the
ramp, making various hand signals, as everybody tries to
sell the ECW Title match at Night of Champions.
Kozlov, meanwhile, just stands in the ring, looking
generally constipated and mildly annoyed. I assume
it’s supposed to be FURIOUS ANGER. THE END.

Uppers: Hmmm, I’ll have to say as
far as what was GOOD tonight…that’s a tough one.
Yoshi/Shelton was the best thing on this show, and was
definitely entertaining. I’m skeptical to his pops
being legit, but if so…damn, good job WWE, because Yoshi
sounded and looked like a star out there tonight.
Also, Ezekiel put on probably the most entertaining
squash I’ve seen in a LONG time. All he had to do
is have no regard whatsoever for the other guy’s safety!
It’s that simple!

Downers: Oh so many. First
off, the diva’s opener. LAME. I likes me
some Katie Lea, but beauty by Sherri Martel just isn’t
her thing. Also, can’t make her look credible at
all, eh? No? OK then. That aside,
Abraham Washington continues to suck copious amounts of
dick. At this point, I am hoping being unfunny is
his gimmick. The dude has charisma and all, but
his segments are falling flat in a big way. Again,
it was better than last week, but that’s not saying
much. Also, not a fan of the main event tonight.
It felt a bit rushed, as there were only like 8 minutes
left in the hour once the bell rang. Plus, one of
the competitors WAS Kozlov. Can’t make gold out of
shit. Also, kind of funny, as I just realized
something. By this show going into overtime, they
cut into Superstars’ time. Oh well, who cares
about that show? Not me, that’s who.

Overall: Thumbs firmly in the middle
tonight, as the good moments were thoroughly cancelled
out by shit. Lack of Sheamus wasn’t doing them any
favors either. Sorry, I just want that hair on my
TV at all times.

Well, that’s all for me. Enjoy your
other 3 hours of wrestling tonight! Or, you know,
you could get a life…but that takes effort. I feel
your pain.

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