I was really looking forward to testing the all-new 2014 Cadillac CTS VSport. 420 horsepower, rear-wheel-drive, made in America: This promised to be a REAL Cadillac, the likes of which I haven’t seen since my great-uncle Carmine got drunk and drove his 1975 Sedan de Ville into the pond at the sewage treatment plant.

So I hopped in behind the wheel, and then I saw the CUE system… and I hopped out again.

CUE is Cadillac’s new “infotainment” system. (You gotta love these new Liberal words. Why can’t we just have a stereo, like I do in my Ford F-150?) It uses a touch screen and a capacitive-touch panel that can sense the presence of your fingertips. If this was a typical Liberal blog I’d talk about all the amazing technology it takes to make this work, but since I’m a cut-to-the-chase Conservative, I’ll tell you that it’s a ridiculously over-complicated piece of crap. What ever happened to good old-fashioned mechanical buttons, switches and sliders? They were good enough for Uncle Carmine, and they’re good enough for me. But apparently, they’re not good enough for Cadillac.I guess that means that Conservatives like us are not good enough for Cadillac.

Worse yet, Cadillac’s model for the touch-screen system is the Apple iPad.

Take a moment and let that sink in: General Motors, which used to be one of the suit-and-tie bastions of the conservative business world, is now taking their guidance from the underpaid grungy t-shirt-wearing socialists at APPLE, a company so far to the left it’s a wonder they don’t fall into the Pacific ocean.

Cadillac CUE: Why have buttons when we can Obama-ize your life?

Did we all get stupid all of a sudden? Apple is NOT some great democracy that delivers what the people want. Apple is run by folk hero Steve Jobs (sorry, was run by Steve Jobs; I bet his followers were shocked to learn he wasn’t immortal) who treated the entire tech industry as if it was his own Communist empire. He designed whatever he thought was cool and then sat back and counted the cash as his cultie customers declared it the Best Thing Ever and tripped all over themselves to pay twice market value for it. (If that isn’t a parallel for Comrade Obama and his brainwashed Liberal supporters, I don’t know what is.)

Well, screw that. I’m perfectly happy with my Windows computer. Sure, I have to deal with viruses and trojans and pop-ups and blue screens and crashes, but even with the money I pay in computer repairs, I bet I’m still spending less than I would for a Liberal Crapintosh. And so what if I can’t play Angry Birds on my flip phone? I’d rather shoot real birds with real guns, and that’s just what I’m going to do until Sheik Barack Hussen Al-Obama pries my Colt M1911 out of my cold, dead fingers.

But I digress.

It appears that Cadillac has drank the Apple-flavored Kool-Aid, because they’re putting this over-complicated iPad-clone in all of their cars. That’s all I need: Some lawsuit-happy AFL-CIO trial lawyer, his head buried in the CUE system as he tries to tune his radio to Keepin’ It Real With Al Sharpton, is going to plow into my F-150, and then sue me for driving a solid chunk of Detroit iron that made his Cadillac crumple like a discarded cigarette pack. And then he’ll probably file a class-action lawsuit against General Motors, from which he’ll make thirty million dollars while each of the plaintiffs get a Starbuck’s card worth $1.68, and then he’ll donate half of that money to get the 22nd Amendment repealed so he and his cronies can appoint King Obama to a 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th term.

And all because Cadillac won’t use gosh-danged buttons for the gosh-danged stereo in their gosh-danged CTS.

Two turbos means twice the trouble

I was so disgusted with CUE that I didn’t even bother to drive the CTS. I wouldn’t buy one anyway; two turbochargers means twice the trouble. Come on Cadillac, stop pandering to the politboro Obama Administration and put a big-block V8 engine with a four-barrel carburetor in the CTS. The Communist-in-Chief can’t enforce 54.1 MPG CAFE if we refuse to go along with it.

DRIVING ON THE RIGHT VERDICT

The 2014 Cadillac CTS Vsport is proof of why the Liberal Agenda is doomed to fail. Why complicate our lives with touch-screen “infotainment”, twin-turbo engines, gay marriage and women’s rights? Let’s get back to the cars and the values that made America great. Bring back the 1975 Sedan de Ville! (But not Uncle Carmine’s, it probably smells pretty bad by now.)

Okay, we know that “truck nuts” may not be in good taste, even if they are funny. But now a group in California is seeking to outlaw them by asking police to enforce a 1930s-era statute against protrusions below a vehicle’s rear axle.

According to DriveGreen, an Obammunist-funded liberal think tank, “This accessory is not only in bad taste, but also highlights the resource waste and pollution that pickup trucks produce.”

In other words, God forbid people might figure out that people ENJOY driving pickup trucks. Better to paint us as a bunch of gas-wasting, pollution-spewing troglodytes.

The part that really cracks me up is the “bad taste” argument. Aren’t liberals the ones trying to free us from the Biblical restraints of decency and morality? Don’t these people love gallivanting around naked? And aren’t testicles part of the body that God created? Oh, wait, I forgot… God didn’t create us. We evolved. By random chance.

Well, if “random chance” saw fit to put nuts on me, I don’t see why I shouldn’t put them on my truck.

We’ve all read the reviews of BMW’s new 4-series saying that the coupe’s ride, handling and performance are not up to the standards set by its predecessor, the 3-series. Everyone is asking why, but we Conservatives know the answer.

I’m joking, of course… well, only a little. I don’t think His Royal Obamaness could have timed the watered-down 4-series to coincide with the shutdown. He’s crafty, but not he’s not that crafty. And besides, I don’t think it ever occurred to him that Bohner and the other brave Tea Party Patriots would refuse to bend over for Obamacare.

“Ultimate Driving Machine? We’ll see about that!”

But I do know that Obama’s determination to turn us into a Socialist country knows no bounds, and that one key element of his over-arching liberal agenda is to change the way we drive. Obama and his band of happy liberals won’t be happy until we all have little tin electric boxes from Japan in the driveways of our State-owned apartment blocks. He knows he won’t be able to shove his 55 MPG mandate all the way down the throat of America during his tenure as Communist-In-Chief, so he has to work fast to do what he can, because (assuming we come to our senses and elect a Republican in 2016) the next President is going to unravel that CAFE business quicker than an unemployed inner-city drug dealer can grab his welfare check.

So I asked myself: How could a car like the BMW coupe could go from being so good to so bad, so quickly? Liberals will say it’s because corporations are inherently lazy, evil and complacent (to which I say to them: Takes one to know one). But to a sane Conservative, the idea that BMW could suddenly forget how to make a good car is beyond belief. BMW is a for-profit company with obligations to its stockholders, not a government-run bureaucracy with its handouts and its taxes. Corporations don’t just suddenly get stupid.

No, the answer is clear: Obama (or more likely one of his bagmen) put in a call to BMW. “Are you concerned about import tariffs? Worried that some of your German-born employees might run into immigration problems? That would be a shame, wouldn’t it? Well, maybe it’s time you stopped concentrating on making fun-to-drive cars and get with the program.”

That’s all it would take. And if anyone thinks Obama wouldn’t dare to stoop that low, I’ve got a fake birth certificate from Hawaii to sell you.

I love diesels. I’d have one in my pickup truck if Uncle Obama didn’t need so much of my tax money to give to the illegals and welfare cheats who elected him.

But diesels in cars are ridiculous, and the new Chevrolet Cruze Diesel proves that beyond the shadow of a doubt.

Diesel cars are popular in Europe, mostly because of massive tax breaks on diesel fuel provided by socialist governments. (Liberals will point out that diesel fuel is cheaper to produce, so the governments must be helping out the Big Oil interests that got them elected. Everywhere you look, there’s a conspiracy!) With gas at ten bucks a gallon, those Europeans need all the help they can get. Hey, someone’s got to pay for socialized medicine, so why not drivers? Cars are dangerous, you know.

So what you have is a continent full of tiny, smelly cars that make lots of noise and would get obliterated in a collision with anything bigger than a Taurus. That’s why they don’t sell them here.

General Motors tried selling diesels back in the 1970s. They were slow and noisy and smelly and terrible. After a few years GM gave up and concentrated on gasoline engines, and to good effect. Today, there are plenty of tin boxes that get 40 MPG on the highway. Personally, I prefer my 18 MPG Ford F-150, only because I don’t want my family to get flattened by some idiot feminist in her two-ton minivan. But what do I know, I’m just a selfish conservative, right?

The Cruze Diesel shows what a massive improvement American ingenuity can make, even with a bad idea like diesel cars. Its 2-liter engine puts out 151 horsepower, but it also makes 264 lb-ft of torque, and can overboost up to 280 lb-ft for short periods of time. That’s as much torque as the first pickup I ever owned!

With all that power, the Cruze is quick. But it’s also noisy and unrefined. It shakes at idle and it rattles like a nattering liberal at low speeds. Yes, the EPA estimates are pretty good: 27 MPG city and 46 MPG highway. But who would be willing to put up with all the noise for an extra few MPG? Not to mention the extra $2,400 tacked on to the sticker price. (Answer: A liberal who thinks we are going to run out of oil.)

I’ve heard that the Volkswagen Jetta diesel is more refined but I’d never buy a one because it’s made in Mexico. (Sorry hombre, but if Pedro wants my money, he can sneak across the border and sign up for welfare like the rest of his family.)

There’s nothing inherently wrong with the Chevrolet Cruze Diesel; it’s a solid American-made car, as good as or better than any import out there. But there’s nothing wrong with the gasoline-powered Cruze either, and if I was going to risk my God-fearing neck in a small car, that’s what I’d buy.

DRIVING ON THE RIGHT VERDICT:

The diesel engine is just another silly idea from socialist Europe intended to appeal to the so-called “progressives.” The sooner Chevrolet drops this ridiculous bit of leftie pandering, the better.

Last year, the city of Coral Gables, Florida, struck down a 52-year-old law preventing pickup trucks from being parked overnight in people’s driveways.

But Driving On the Right has heard that a group of liberal Floridians are trying to bring this law back — not for the sake of neighborhood beautification, which was the purpose of the original statute, but because pickups are bad for the environment.

Yep, folks, this his happening in Florida. Not California. Not New York. Not Oregon. Friggin’ FLORIDA.

As pickup owners ourselves, we’ve heard all the arguments: Pickups use too much gas, waste too much space, do too much collision damage to left-wing families in their tinny little Priuses. Whatever, commies. We worked our asses off so we could afford a $40,000 truck, and gosh darn it, we’re going to drive one. But we know how you liberals feel about the fruits of labor. Why should we spend our money on a nice truck, when we could give it to Obama so he can “redistribute” it to illegals who need health care and free cell phones?

Obviously, the Left won’t be happy until we’re all driving Japanese-made hybrids and electric cars that lack the range to make it out of the state. (Now there’s a subtle way to take away people’s freedom.) Needless to say, Driving On the Right encourages EVERY Floridian to park their pickups in their driveway. Make sure you put a gun rack and an American flag in the back window — that really drives the liberals crazy!

And when the Lefties tell you they don’t like it, tell them they can move to Vietnam or North Korea. Not many pickup trucks over there!

2014 Mitsubishi Mirage. Who are they trying to appeal to with this color, hmmm?

The perfect grocery-getter for a Liberal Utopia

by Philip Uvschidt

Most car fans are familiar with the Lada, the official car of the Soviet Union. Under communism, there was no need for individual choice — just one little crap-box for all of the “comrades” to drive.

Ask a liberal what kind of car he likes best, and he’ll describe something that’s small, affordable, space efficient, and fuel efficient. Something that doesn’t use up too much resources or take up too much space. A car that’s kind to everyone and that you can afford on a welfare paycheck. (It doesn’t have to run well; the more it breaks down, the more work there is for the blue-collar classes.)

In other words, he wants a Lada.

That’s why liberals are going to LOVE the new Mitsubishi Mirage, an undersized, underpowered, uninteresting appliance of a car that can barely get out of its own way. But it’s kind to the environment, thanks to an 1.2 liter three-cylinder engine that cranks out just 74 horsepower. We prefer our cars with 300 or more, but any good liberal will tell you that 74 is enough for anybody. Besides, this little puppy is EPA-rated at 37 MPG city and 44 MPG highway, so it uses precious little of our supposedly dwindling oil supplies. (Never mind that we could simply DRILL FOR MORE.)

74 horsepower is adequate… for a sewing machine.

I timed the Mirage’s 0-60 run at an agonizing 15 seconds, about twice as long as it takes in the Ford F-150 pickup that serves as my daily driver. To my mind, that makes the Mirage downright dangerous for driving on the freeway. It’s fine for liberals, though — so what if their Mirage gets run over by a speeding 18-wheeler driven by a coked-up Mexican? That’s why we have Obamacare.

The Mirage’s ride and handling are downright scary. Its tires are about as wide as the hubcaps on the politically-incorrect Chevy Impala I drove in college*, so it doesn’t like taking turns very quickly. All the more reason for Obama to bring back the 55 MPH speed limit, right?

* That’s right, lefties, not all of us Conservatives are uneducated hicks from Bangyersister, Mississippi.

Inside, the Mirage is a liberal’s dream: Acres of boring black and gray plastic. No leather, no wood trim, none of the trappings of wealth, because personal achievement is bad. We’re all equally worthless in the socialist utopia.

I found the front seats slightly undersized, but then again, I’m slightly overweight… sorry, I’m a fitness-challenged American. Once the Obama administration makes sugared soda and fatty desserts illegal, I’m sure I’ll fit just fine. Mitsubishi says the Mirage will seat five, but I don’t think the back seat is nearly big enough for a family. No matter, that’s why we have Roe vs. Wade.

This is all the luxury you need, comrade.

Mitsubishi offers the Mirage in several bright colors, including purple. Purple?? Oh, no, they’re not pandering to the liberal left at all.

And of course, the Mirage isn’t built in America, because no self-respecting liberal would buy an American car. Instead it’s built in Thailand, where the workers get to keep maybe $3 of the Mirage’s $12,995 price tag. Wouldn’t want them to develop a taste for wealth, now would we?

DRIVING ON THE RIGHT VERDICT

The Mirage is the perfect car for a socialist world: No comfort, no luxury, no driving fun, just simple, fuel-efficient, utilitarian transportation. Liberals may love it, but until Obama takes away our pickup trucks and Cadillacs, I’ll skip it.

Welcome to Driving On The Right, the first blog devoted to conservatives and cars! If you’re tired of the steaming piles of crap shat out by the liberally-biased automotive media, this is the site for you. Don’t believe the hype — get the TRUTH at Driving On The Right!