Being Honest About Our Addiction

Being Honest About Our Addiction

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Oct 31 02 11:06 PM

The following was part of a new post from many months ago. It has always stood out to me as one of the most honest portrayals
of what nicotine addiction really is...

I'm 51 years old and I had been smoking for 37 years. I started in high school at the age 14. My friends smoked and I
had to smoke because all my friends were smoking and it was the cool thing to do then. I smoked even though I would throw up at even the smell of a cigarette,
but I had to keep going. After all I had a reputation to save and to defend. NOW IT'S MY LIFE I HAVE TO SAVE AND DEFEND !!!!!!!!!!!!!

It did not take very long for my body to accept the smoke with pleasure. My body was welcoming the smoke so much that I could smoke even more until about 3-5
years down the road that I was up to a total of smoking approximately 2-3 packs of cigarettes a day.

Well, 37 years have passed and during this time I have lost both of my parents to emphysema, both in their early 50's (both smokers). My brother just
turned 50 years old and has had emphysema for the past 6 years. He is on oxygen 24 hours a day and has been on a life support system 3 times in the past 6
months (he's still smoking). When I was a child I lost my grandfather to Buerger's Disease (smoker). He had one leg amputated and his twin brother had
both legs amputated from the same disease (both smokers). Two other grandparents passed away from cancer (both smokers).
ALL SMOKING RELATED DISEASES !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Even after losing both parents I continued to smoke. O, I would try to quit, but after awhile I was right back to smoking full force. It just didn't seem
like I would ever give them up. I remember as both of my parents were in their last days of life, they would say to me,
IF I COULD HAVE ONLY QUIT SMOKING !!! IF I COULD OF ONLY GIVEN UP THOSE CIGARETTES!!!

I don't know what I thought? People would say to me, how after all you have seen your parents go through and taking care of them during their illnesses,
how could you pick up a cigarette? I DON'T KNOW. I guess I just thought this would not happen to me, maybe my genes are different and it will pass me by,
that I could quit this bad habit anytime. Bad habit, very bad term for cigarettes, but I used it. Even when people would say, you are addicted to those
cigarettes just like cocaine, just like heroin, just like alcohol. Well, I told myself and them that this is not an addiction because I don't do unusual
things like sometimes is associated with drug use. WRONG!!! I AM AN ADDICT TO NICOTINE AND YES THIS BEHAVIOR IS UNUSUAL LIKE SOMETIMES ASSOCIATED WITH DRUG
USE.

I would remember my parents words and think well if they couldn't give it up, I will probably never be able to give it up either. I almost felt that I was
stuck with this. There were times I really wanted to quit, that I tried to quit, but I just couldn't seem to do it.

About four to five weeks ago my brother was in the hospital for the 3rd time on life support. He was on life support for almost 5 days, the longest since the
beginning of his illness with emphysema. It was the second day of his stay in the ICU Unit while I was sitting with him that I really needed a cigarette.

Now I have osteo-arthritis in both knees and if anyone out there is familiar with this, you know the pain that comes just from taking a step at times. Well I
made my way to the emergency room exit, the only place on hospital property where you are allowed to have a cigarette, which is a very long distance from the
ICU Unit. I struggled with every step, stopping every few feet to rest my knees, and O, I also have 2 inhalers that I use when I have problems with my asthma.
I stopped twice to use each inhaler, leaning on the wall and railing to get my breath, resting my knees to take another few steps to make it to my goal of
having this cigarette near the emergency room exit. After quite a few stops, I had made it. Now hanging over the railing to light this cigarette outside,
temperature is only about 10 degrees outside, to cold to inhale without a cigarette, much less additional smoke into your lungs.

As I stood there hanging over that railing, I said to myself, you are an addict to these cigarettes. If you don't do something, you will die. What is wrong
with you, your brother is upstairs on life support and not knowing if he would make it this time and here you are struggling to have a cigarette.
In my ears began ringing the message

If I could have only quit smoking !!! If I could have only given them up !!!

I didn't know what to do or where to go, but I did know that I could not do this on my own.
I NEED HELP! I AM ADDICTED! I NEED TO DO SOMETHING TO SAVE MY LIFE
OR I AM GOING TO DIE!

Wow...thanks OBob for pulling this up. Phhhewww....ok. Let me gather myself here for a minute. The tears are just flowing and flowing. I was reminded so
much of my grandfather reading this post. How he looked as he struggled to bum a cigarette from me this August while we were on our family vacation. My
grandfather, who was in CONSTANT pain and who struggled with every step....he actually made it up a flight of stairs and out to a balcony just to get a
cigarette from me. And even though my parents basically forced him to quit months earlier, after knowing what a struggle he made to get to me, I gave him
one.

Then, two months later, I watched him die a horrible death from a very advanced form of lung cancer. I watched my pop-pop, whom I could still rememeber as
a vibrant and mobile man, writhe around in a hospital bed, weighing in at about 80 pounds, partially restrained, with tubes coming out of every orafice...I
watched this man, my beloved grandfather, DIE a horrendously painful death all because he couldn't stop smoking cigarettes. This made me very angry.
Mostly, at myself.

She actually quit for almost three months and had a "minor" slip. But she quit again a few weeks later. That quit lasted for a few weeks. Since
then she started the clinic two other times, the last time just last month and didn't even make it two days. We are not kidding when we say if you have a
quit going do everything in your power to make it last. You really don't know that you will ever have the strength, desire or opportunity to quit again.
If I am not mistaken, her brother fits into this last category now. I think he passed away right before the last clinic that she was in.

God help us all with this terrible addiction! I guess I'm just starting to
realise how strong it actually is. I personally know several people who used to use cocaine, pot, exctasy, and a lot of other harder drugs and none
of them would have subjected themselves to some of the things that smokers do. Below is part of an article from Joels Library and I think it says alot about
the power of addiction, just like the stories that were related in this thread. I'm glad that it didn't have to come to that for me to understand
that I have to quit.

While Buerger's Disease is much more common in men, I have personally had two women who were Bueger's Disease patients in my clinics. My first
actual encounter with a Buerger's Disease patient was with a woman who was 38 year old when I met her, which was about 24 years ago. Three years before
I met her, at the age of 35 she was diagnosed with Buerger's Disease. This is actually relatively late to first be diagnosed. Her doctor had told her
she had to quit smoking, but she did not comply and within a few months she had her right leg amputated. The circulation in her left leg was also badly
affected, and after the hospitalization from the amputation she did quit smoking and had no further circulatory complications for the next three years.

Then one night at a party, a friend offered her a cigarette. She figured that since she had been off cigarettes for so long, she now had control over her
dependency. If she liked the cigarette, she would smoke one or two a day. If she didn't like the cigarette, she just wouldn't smoke anymore.

Well, she took the cigarette. She didn't particularly like the cigarette, but the next day she was up to her old level of consumption. Four days
later she lost circulation in her left leg. She knew the reason. After three years with no problem and only four days after going back to smoking her
circulation was affected. Her doctor told her that if she did not quit immediately, she would probably lose her other leg.

This is when I met her. She enrolled in a smoking clinic that week and quit smoking. Almost immediately her circulation improved. The doctor took her
off anti-coagulant drugs and vasodilators he had put her on a few weeks earlier to try to slow up the process even though they were highly ineffective at
stopping the likelihood of gangrene and amputation. But once she quit smoking she no longer needed them. Soon, her circulation was back to normal.

Nine months later, I called to ask her to serve on a panel. At that time, she sluggishly replied, "I can't come. I have been in the hospital
the last two months." When I asked what had happened, she hesitantly replied, "I had my toes amputated." She had gone back to smoking. She
tried one because she just couldn't believe she would get hooked again. She was wrong. She lost circulation, had her toes removed and eventually had
her leg amputated.

I have had other clinic participants with similar experiences, being told to quit smoking or lose limbs who did not quit smoking. The reason I talk about
this particular woman again and again is about a year after she had the second amputation, she came back into a clinic I was conducting and told me she had
quit again and was now off about 9 months. I told her I was surprised, I thought she had permanently lost control. After all, she had her leg removed, the
toes from her other foot, and eventually her second leg. When I confronted her with that information she replied, "The doctor finally convinced me. He
said, 'You might as well keep on smoking, I'll just take your arms off next.'" That scared her into quitting smoking. Her next comment to
me was unbelievable. She looked me straight in the face, dead seriously, and said "I DIDN'T NEED A HOUSE TO FALL ON ME TO TELL ME TO QUIT
SMOKING."

I had periodic contact for the next 15 years at which time she moved away. She was fine over that whole time period. Whenever I brought up that
conversation, we both found ourselves amazed that she could ever have made such an irrational statement. She happened to be a very rational, bright and
inspirational individual. She would get around on wooden legs, socializes, and even occasionally would sing and dance on stage. Once she had broken free of
the drug's effects and the smoker's psyche, she knew she could do anything.

Frequently, I would encounter people who quit smoking on their own. When I ask how they did it, they tell me of this marvelous lady they met who told of
how she used to be hooked on smoking. Hooked so bad, in fact, that she had her legs amputated from a smoking related illness. It usually turns out to be
the same person. By spreading her story, she offers inspiration and hope to countless smokers to break the addiction before the addiction breaks them.

Her story represents the real power of the addiction. She could not deny any where along the way smoking wasn't the cause. Not only would every
doctor and all the research she could do pinpoint smoking as what was causing her problem, but she had quit, was fine, relapsed and within days lost her
circulation-twice! The second time she actually lost her toes and her foot and then her lower leg. There was absolutely no way she could deny the cause and
yet it took another 9 months for her to quit again.

Her continued smoking and ease of relapsing shows nicotine dependency at its worst. This overpowering nature of nicotine should not be lost on anyone
here. You probably don't have a condition that is obvious as to force you to make a decision almost immediately upon relapse. In many ways this is
worse, for cigarettes are quietly and insidiously destroying you, sometimes with little warning, or at least ones you will acknowledge. The first symptom to
many circulatory diseases caused by smoking is sudden death. You may get no second chance.

Is it possible that there is some kind of a genetic "weakness" at work here?. This is a terrible story There must be some explanation for her
steadfast self destruction. I am not making light of her's or my own inability to quit long before we did but the examples before her were so
wrenching------------------Lilac.

Is there a genetic weakness at work here? You bet there is. It's called drug addiction. You know what else--every one of our members have the same
genetic weakness too. Luckily though, most of our members know what they need to do to avoid a similar fate. They know that the only way to keep this quit
going is to never take another puff!

What makes this story even more tragic is that the person telling the story recommitted to smoking, finding a reason... maybe the stress over her brother's illness, maybe something else... to recommit to her addiction. We can only hope that she didn't burn her last chance to escape...

From: Joel.Sent: 10/31/2002 1:48 PM

She actually quit for almost three months and had a "minor" slip. But she quit again a few weeks later. That quit lasted for a few weeks. Since then she started the clinic two other times, the last time just last month and didn't even make it two days. We are not kidding when we say if you have a quit going do everything in your power to make it last. You really don't know that you will ever have the strength, desire or opportunity to quit again. If I am not mistaken, her brother fits into this last category now. I think he passed away right before the last clinic that she was in.

All I can think of while reading stories like these is. . .there but for the grace of God go I.

This is why we shouldn't call them scare tactics but instead truth tactics. The truth is that that one little cigarette is in a league with a gun pointed
at my head in terms of catastrophic.

I saw an old friend yesterday with a pack of cigarettes. She doesn't smoke and I was horrified. We talked and apparently she is just a social smoker. I
showed her this website, and then, fascinated, took the pack from her and stared at the cigarettes inside. It's been a while since I've touched a
pack of cigarettes or a cigarette at all. I took one out of the pack to remember what it felt like in my hand. Do you know that I even put it in my mouth to
remember? Please don't freak out, I didn't even want it, I just wanted to see what about it holding it and having it in my mouth I used to like so
much.

There wasn't anything. It was the nicotine, the whole time. But if I hadn't known how addictive nicotine was and what a disaster it would be for me
to light that cigarette up I might have done it, just to remember. And then it wouldn't be a memory anymore. It would be my reality.

Stories like these help so much when I start taking my quit lightly, seeing cigarettes and wondering what on earth could be so bad about them?

I even put the gun in my mouth just to see what it would feel like. Don't freak out, it wasn't
loaded!

Okay, you freaked me out just a little, Alex.

Although, I do understand the curiosity, or the need to confront that drives such an action. From an old post of mine...

"We were playing pool, and a friend had her lit cigarette in the ash tray while she shot. I
wasn't afraid of it any more, because I saw it for what it was. I picked it up, and looked at it. Saw the way the paper burned, and the way the gray
smoke curled upward. Saw the brown stain on the end of the filter, where the poison enters the addict's mouth. I stared it down. I know what you are, I
thought. Wasn't gloating; just acknowledging. I put it back down, and went and took my shot."

To Joel's clinic participant: Acknowledge how powerful nicotine is as a drug. See its ability to control us. And vow that you will beat it One Day at
a Time by Never Taking Another Puff. You can do this!

"OBob is correct when he says what makes this story even more tragic is that the person telling
the story recommitted to smoking, finding a reason... maybe the stress over her brother's illness, maybe something else... to recommit to her addiction.
We can only hope that she didn't burn her last chance to escape... "

Hi, I am Joel's
Clinic Participant, my name is Tessie and I am the author of the story attached to OBobs message. I am constantly going to the Freedom Site, but I have been
hesitant to post due to my past failures and I never in anyway want to compromise another persons quit when sharing my story. I don't want anyone to
think that there is a good reason to take another puff, because there is no good reason to go back to smoking. This post was here for a reason, although I
had not seen it when it was originally posted, I thought it was time to share with you.

My brother did pass away from emphysema at the age 49 on August 27th, 2002. It was a difficult time, I had just lost my
brother, the last immediate family member other than myself. It was a devastating time.

This also made me the matriarch of my immediate family; children; grandchildren; and the person who others in the family would look up
to as an example. Wow! Was that a scary thought.

OBob, I can only hope that I have not burned my last chance. I am back in full force with a new attitude. I am a nicotine addict and
can never take another puff. By the way there is no such thing as another puff! I now look at and treat my nicotine addiction just as if it were a heroin,
cocaine or an alcohol addiction. I can't afford to risk the thought of thinking any other way. Yes, I knew in my mind that I was an addict before, but I
now know with all my heart and soul that I AM A NICOTINE ADDICT AND I AM HERE TO SAVE MY LIFE! I have a collage of pictures of my family that I keep in my
purse and every time I think I have a desire for a cigarette, I take that picture out and look at it and remember the devastation and how a whole family has
been lost to the addiction of nicotine and the diseases they cause. That one puff just doesn't carry the same fantasy as before.

As you have read in my original post the devastation smoking has caused to my family.

I quit smoking in January 2002 for almost three months and had a "minor" slip. I picked myself up and quit again a
few weeks later. That quit lasted for a few weeks. Since then I have started the clinic two other times, starting my next clinic in September 2002,
didn't even make it two days and now my last clinic began Tuesday, May 6, 2003. I actually stopped smoking before the clinic began on Monday, May
5, 2003. I intend for this to be my final quit and my success story.

I have the strength, the desire and the opportunity to keep this quit a success. Anyway, just wanted to check in and say hello
and let you all know how I'm doing. I AM DOING GREAT!!!

Someone said we cannot save the world, only ourselves. This is true, but please know the impact that you make through the
support you provide. This site is an inspiration and you never know what that impact will be; some little something written or some little something
said. We make indelible footprints on the hearts of people everyday and may never know the true impact we might have on their lives.

OBob, you have been a great source of support and inspiration to me and to others as well. Keep up the good work!

And for my clinic instructor Joel. When I look at Joel, I see miracles. It is a blessing to be in Joel's clinic class. Joel
is the inspiration that makes up believe that we can do this. That we can quit smoking! That we have a choice! That this is an addiction and to treat
it like an addiction! The best teacher and support system you can find!

OBob, Joel and everyone, I am here because of those indelible footprints on the heart. Thanks!

I am glad to see you back. I was also glad to see you at the clinic. Just for the record, for our newer members reading here, Tessie lost her past quit with
Freedom back in August. In November, Freedom made a major decision and altered our relapse policy. Any member who relapsed after November would lost their
ability to post at Freedom. The string Good
news, our members don't relapse anymore talks about this policy. I know Tessie already understands our reasoning for this, and was in
fact nervous about posting here again so as not to undercut any one elses efforts. She didn't want people to feel that if they were to relapse that they
would casually think that they could just join up again and just quit again. Byt again, we have worked out an accommodation insuring no one ever works with
this kind of assumption again.

Freedom's relapse policy is about to undergo additional evolution. Athought every visitor to the site will have 100% access to Freedom's over
130,000 archived posts, to Joel's entire library and to all of our resources at WhyQuit, any future relapse will disqualify that member from again
participating in the group. The rule applies across the board, to me as well as you. Not only will this destroy any junkie thinking that my mind might
have been able to muster in time of crisis about being able to return, the new policy will not permit me to return if I should relapse.

Not only is there no legitimate excuse for relapse at Freedom, there is no relapse at Freedom. This isn't a matter of asking members to value their
group participation and use that as justification for not relapsing. That's akin to a quit crutch. It's a matter of asking each of us to value
this forum as a serious site, to honor the principles upon which its built, and to respect the right of others to find sanctuary in one little corner
of the earth where nicotine has no voice.

If any of you have questions about our new policy please send us an email. Thanks!

Freedom's Managers

All of Freedom's management team thought this one out long and hard. This policy may seem intimidating to someone just thinking about applying. But
for our existing members this policy should pose no threat or inconvenience. After all, the primary vow that people have when joining up at Freedom,
and the primary principle that keeps our members nicotine free is the promise that each and every makes to himself or herself each and every day not to
take a puff. As long as this promise was made in good faith, if each and every member keeps the promise he or she has nothing to be afraid of.

We want people first thinking of applying though to think long and hard of whether we are in fact the best support group to sign up for. If a person
does not feel totally one hundred percent committed to make this quit be the last quit he or she is ever planning on having to make, he or she might be
better off exploring other support groups before joining in. As John has stated, a person lurking has access to all of the materials at WhyQuit.com, my
library and even the Freedom message board itself. The only difference is that members can post and non-members cannot.

This policy offers up two big advantages. The first is to the group as a whole. Every person coming here is now guaranteed that the board is always
going to be focused on people who are successfully off smoking. There will be no need to spend time consoling relapses or trying to help a person
rationalize a relapse. Again we had the advantages of that principle already covered in our There is no legitimate reason to relapse thread.

But the primary benefactor of this policy is each and every member himself or herself. We have made it very easy for each and every member to have a
clearly defined spelled out battle line. No longer does a person have the luxury of thinking, "Well if I relapse, I'll go to Freedom and quit
again." We have in effect destroyed what to some people can be a very persuasive argument supporting a kind of junkie thinking.

Again, for the majority of people here this policy poses no threat and makes the each and every members mission here that much more clearly defined. It
was what their intent was the day they first signed up to Freedom. To stay a member of Freedom, and more important, to keep the health and life saving
benefits of staying a successful ex-smoker is as simple now as just remembering to stay totally committed to never take another puff!

My grandfather died of emphysema five years ago, my aunt has had both feet amputated and my uncle had 4 heart attacks before he and my aunt (a different
aunt) quit smoking. You would think this sort of family health background would wake a person up, but I too was so in denial with my junkie logic that I
refused to acknowledge these were real possible outcomes (and still our) in my future. This is an important reality thread to bring up for
everyone, no matter what stage of their quit. Thanks for the reminder today....it hurts my soul to think that such a lethal drug is not only legal, but that
people can actually sell it and sleep at night. I KNOW I will NTAP.

Lisa - Free and Healing for Twenty Three Days, 11 Hours and 57 Minutes, while extending my life expectancy 23 Hours, by avoiding the use of 282 nicotine
delivery devices that would have cost me $49.39.

Wow ... this thread really made my heart pound. We are all only one drag away from returning to the painful cycle of sickness, addiction and death. A sobering
reminder as I sometimes get cocky in my relatively newfound comfort as a nonsmoker.

Anyone who still thinks smoking is a "habit" should read this, then read it again. Powerful stuff.

First you read this. Then you
stop and think about any cravings you may have had recently (especially with the season changes) and you have to be amazed. How strong this addiction must
be to make us believe that drawing smoke into our lungs is pleasuarable at such a cost. Even at no cost how can sucking smoke in your lungs be pleasurable?
Wierd. Wierd...that's the only word I can come up with.