Monday, December 13, 2010

I had a nightmare last night. And as vivid and real as it felt, I couldn't tell you anything about it other than within the dream things were really upsetting and horrible. So bad that it made me cry uncontrollably in the dream, which lead to me screaming "WHY?!" to God.

There was a point during my screaming where part of me realized I was dreaming. And since things were so terrible I decided to wake myself up by trying to get my "real" self to scream as well.

I could feel both sides. The nightmare side where I was screaming, and the reality side, where my physical face was trying to form words, trying to scream, trying to wake up.

When I finally did wake up, I did wake up moaning and my wife poking my back to get me to wake up.

The dread and fear from the dream was lingering still as I laid there finally awake. And all I've been thinking about since then is that space between the nightmare and reality.

I could feel it. I could feel myself in the dream trying to communicate to my physical self (this shit's gettin deep now.) And I remember thinking "I have to push through the ether." Like I was aware that there was some kind of barrier between dreams and reality that I knew I could dig through. I knew that if I pushed hard enough in the dream, I could not only wake myself up, but do it by getting my waking self to mimic what my sleeping self was doing.

I immediately started to realize the parallels between this, and making movies. The barrier between sleep and awake is not too dissimilar to the barrier between thought and creation, between what's on the page and the final cut of the movie, between an idea and a tangible product.

Where am I going with this? I have no fucking idea. Just another deep observation where I try to connect life lessons to filmmaking, again with subconscious subtext and references to universal perception and some shit like that.

Trying to communicate from your subconscious to your conscious is much like trying to take what's in your head and put it on film, or video rather.

Yes I'm running into obstacles with REDD. Can I get it out before December is over. Don't know. All I know is I'm missing a few more shots. Just a bit more work on it and I'll have a completed project. I'm so anxious to finish this, it does feel like my dream self is screaming at me from the other side of the reality wall.

And it;s not just about REDD. It's the overall goal, to make a living off making movies and videos. I've made money from it in the past, and I'm trying to find my way back to it again, but I have yet to make a sustainable living from it. This past year (past 4 years really) I've had a taste of it. Gotten checks for my video editing skills, been paid from video views, which has really convinced me that I should be able to really make this happen as something more long term.

And I will, but of course, since I am human dealing with other humans, we do let our anxieties and emotions clutter the path, make us feel rushed, force us to judge ourselves, which forces us away from our much needed logic and reason.

It's emotions that make up the ether in this reality. It's our fears and pathos that are a good percentage of our barriers that keep us from that final product. But it's also what fuels our creation. It's necessary, and instead of trying to force our way through it, we're better off understanding it, respecting it, and using it to our advantage.

Yes, that is correct, I have absolutely no idea what I am talking about.