Day 226 of 365

I hope you're genuinely happy about being engaged, and not thinking too yourself that this is not what you want but you're too scared to say anything, like I was. I hope he doesn't tell you after only a week that he loves you, because he doesn't mean it. I hope you're prepared for extreme jealousy and controlling behavior with the excuse of "I just love you too much" I hope when he dedicates cheesy love songs to you, it makes you smile...because smiling won't be something you do a lot anymore. I hope you don't have to use your savings to pay off his debts and his bills, but if you do, he'll be nice to you for a while. I hope your family and friends never overhear how badly he speaks to you especially when you put so much effort into hiding it from them. I hope if you ever temporarily split up, you block his number and don't respond to any of his messages because if you do, you won't be able to hear him threaten to kill himself if you don't go and see him and sort things out. I hope you never have to get back with him to prevent him posting nasty things about you over the internet. I hope you're fully prepared to argue and fall out with your family and friends trying to defend him, because other people that are not under his influence have the ability to see his true colors. I hope you'll have the strength to say no when he persuades you to move in with him after a short time of being together, and if you don't, I hope you have time to decorate the bedroom; and surround yourself with things that remind you of your life before because you'll spend a lot of your time in there reminiscing and grieving the life you once had. I hope you never loose contact with your parents just because he doesn't like you seeing them and makes it difficult for you. I hope you don't start to become anxious and paranoid that you're being watched. I hope when you go to visit your old home to go and see your dog, he doesn't sit in the car outside the house and time how long it takes you to get the dog on a lead and back to the car. I hope you don't have any male friends that you love dearly, because you'll have no option but to cut ties with them to keep them safe. I hope he takes responsibility for his anger and aggression and doesn't blame it on you or his past. I hope he doesn't threaten to hurt your loved ones if you leave him. I hope he doesn't scare you with stories of what he's done to people in the past and what he's capable of. I hope he doesn't make you cover up because he doesn't approve of the 'revealing' clothes you are wearing. I hope he never makes nasty and degrading comments about your appearance. I hope your friends don't notice the marks on your body and start to get suspicious, because when they start asking questions, you have to distance yourself to protect them from harm, which will then result in you being even lonelier than you already are. I hope he has respect for your body and doesn't pressure you to do anything in the bedroom that you're not comfortable with. I hope that when you do finally pluck up the courage to try and leave him for the first time, he'll let you leave and not keep you in the house against your will, and I hope you get to go running back home into your mum’s arms and have her tell you that everything’s going to be okay. I hope he doesn't threaten suicide and say how it would be all your fault as way of making sure you stay with him. I hope that when he writes a lovely Facebook status about you, or runs you a nice bubble bath, or buys you a bunch of flowers, or a bottle of wine and some chocolates from the shop, it's because he appreciates you and wants to treat you nicely, and not just because he was violent the night before. I hope he doesn't tell you over and over and over again that you're crazy for thinking there’s something wrong with how he's treating you, because you're right, there is! I hope that you never believe him when he consistently tells you it’s your fault he acted the way he did and that it wouldn’t have happened if you hadn't stepped out of line. I hope you don't anxiously wait up for him to come home so you can try and predict what mood he's going to be in. I hope being with him, doesn't affect your job attendance and performance. I hope you don't have to keep your phone on you at all times to secretly text him back before he gets angry. I hope he never goes to strangle you in anger and pass it off as play-fighting. I hope he never threatens you with the knife he keeps in his bedside draw. I hope after he's hurt you, he doesn't turn on the waterworks and come up with excuses for his actions so you'll forgive him. I hope you never have to miss out on your loved ones birthdays and family events because he won't allow you to attend. I hope you never try to take your own life because it's the only way you think you can escape, and I hope when you get to hospital, you wait to speak to somebody but of course, he'll tell you to discharge yourself and then proceed to tell you that it was selfish of you and you should apologize. I hope he never stops you taking contraception, and I hope he never hides it or bins it, so that you'll get pregnant and have to stay with him. I hope he never drags you back to the car when you try and run away from him. I hope when you go to pack your things, he doesn't drag you into the house and force you to get undressed. I hope he then doesn't force you into having sex. I hope you don't notice that evil look in his eyes as he's grabbing you and pulling you back up the stairs you've just frantically run down to escape. I hope you have the strength in you to fight back and get away. I hope you aren't thinking that this is the moment your life is going to end but I hope that if it is, you have left things on good terms with your friends and family and told them how much you love them once last time. I then hope you realize that it's pointless to defy him and your chances of surviving will only decrease if you anger him any further and so I hope you do as he says and stop fighting. I hope you don't lie there pretending to be asleep and spending hours deciding whether you're going to risk sneaking out. I hope that when the morning comes, he doesn't try to convince you that you're wrong for being upset with him when actually all it is, is you finally seeing things for how they really are, ...you're seeing him for what he really is. I hope that when you finally do pick up what's left of your shattered self-confidence, pride and dignity off of the floor, he lets you leave. I hope he lets you collect all of your valuables, and sentimental items in the 10 mins you have to escape. My most favorite thing was my teddy, I used to cuddle it to sleep sometimes when I was sad and when I missed my dogs, I must have left it behind, but I hope you take yours with you. But in all honestly, my hopes and dreams for you mean nothing because even though I hope that you aren't going through what I went through, I know you will be at some point if you're not already. I still hope and pray that he may have miraculously changed for your sake, but I know and you know, he won’t, and I hope you know that you deserve so much better. I hope you know that I once wore that ring on your left hand. Of course he wasn't a monster at first, and that's why it's really hard to leave, because you want the person you fell in love with, and sometimes he even pretended to be that nice person for a little while, but it's an illusion, an act. it's not real, what's written above is the real him, and I know if you're anything like me, you won't believe anyone but him at first... but for me, it was almost too late, and I don't want you to go through that. I don't have a clue who you are or how you're doing but I hope and pray that you're okay. I hope you get out of this unharmed, and if you ever do, you'll realize how good life is when you have the freedom to be yourself and be with your family and friends. I hope you know that life does go on after him, it doesn't have to end. I'm happier now than I ever was in that relationship.

I'll forever be thinking of you and hoping that you're alright. If you ever need my help, I’m just a message away.