Current mood: apatheticMusic: Rain from Cowboy BebopSubject: Walk in the rain

I don't feel a thing
and I stopped remembering
The days are just like moments turned to hours

I was really depressed on Saturday. Take a knife to my wrists and kill myself depressed.

Mother used to say
if you want, you'll find a way
Bet mother never danced through fire showers

I told Ray about it today after school. Guess how much I got yelled at? Not much. He just told me I can't do that, ever. And if I get the urge I should call him. Truthfully, I feel like it now but I'm blaming it on hormones.

Walk in the rain, in the rain, in the rain
I walk in the rain, in the rain
Is it right or is it wrong
and is it here that I belong

Sigh. I'm still scared. I hurt when I'm with Ray and I hurt when I'm not. I am back to non-feely and I'm not enjoying it.

I don't hear a sound
Silent faces in the ground
The quiet screams, but I refuse to listen

Ray loves me so much and there are days when I can't feel that love to tell him the same. Today was one of those days. I feel so bad for these times but Ray knows that tomorrow I'll be okay (hopefully).

If there is a hell
I'm sure this is how it smells
Wish this were a dream, but no, it isn't

I was trying so hard not to cry today after school. I was digging my nails into my palm. Ray told me to stop so I did. The scary thing was, it didn't hurt.

Walk in the rain, in the rain, in the rain
I walk in the rain, in the rain
Am I right or am I wrong
and is it here that I belong

How can I hurt so much deep inside but not feel any physical pain at all. And I don't even pay attention to the people hurting around me, I still owe Katie a hug.

Walk in the rain, in the rain, in the rain
I walk in the rain, in the rain
Why do I feel so alone
For some reason I think of home

I have this feeling, way deep down, that everything I have isn't what I'm supposed to have. That it isn't what I'm going to end up with. And I like what I have.

If there is a hell
I'm sure this is how it smells
Wish this were a dream, but no, it isn't

Wow that's gotta be a lil overwhelming hun. As much as you're not enjoying it, be somewhat thankful for the "non-feeliness", I knew I'd miss it when it was finally gone. I'm pretty happy right now, but I haven't been for much of the time that my emotions have been back for. I'm very glad you told Ray how you're feeling, I knew he'd at least listen to you. I'm here to talk too, I'll be on msn tonight if you need someome cuz I know that sometimes its gotta be a gurl and even better one you don't personally know. The early reference to a knife worried me too, not sure how real that is, but its kinda coincidental that I do the same just hours b4 I read this. I didn't actually try sumthin not to worry bout me guys, but I had one out for no apparent reason and of course that stuff is gonna cross my mind. Remember that you do like what you have Rachel and it'll always help you to feel happy. You may not have it all forever, but live in the present as we all havta try to do. (Hard for me since I much prefer what will be in the future, but even I must try.) Wow I have nuthin to do this entire period...But I'll get going now anyway, maybe my teacher will mark that animation I was talkin bout a couple weeks ago. Luv ya hun, just keep on with what lil happiness you can find *hugz*.

I am sorry rachel... if there s anything I can do... please tell me... But... if you have such deep problems... yu may need pyschiatric help... (no not meant mean ^^;) but if u truly want to do those3 things... u should have that checked... It might be a chemical imbalance making u feel that way