Saturday, February 27, 2010

As with most folks with half a brain in their corpulent, American heads, I occasionally go through periods of intense self-loathing. I also go through periods of trying to find gainful employment. Those two seemingly conflicting factors led me to restrict readership of this blog for a period of time because I entertained the fantasy that potential employers would Google my name and find my slightly abrasive blog and, upon reading it, would electronically render my application null and void by the power vested in the Mayor of the Internets. I've since realized that said potential employers are most likely squeezing out giant dumps on my resume and they may not, in fact, actually exist. Unicorns dry-humping on the corner of 22nd Street and 4th Avenue, Brooklyn are a more probable sight right now than job offers.

So, eschewing the traditional story, I offer a few snippets of what I've been thinking about lately (OOOOOOOH, I bet you're SOOOOOO excited. All six of you):

1. Diversity really isn't all that great (now I'm just attacking potential employers, but whatever). A moron from Zaire is much the same as a moron from Long Island City, only the fellow from Zaire may have an exotic accent, depending on who you're talking to. My point is that far too much attention is being paid these days to the source of the ideas over the ideas themselves. Employing some asshole from Mozambique because it's a sexy idea and it fulfills some misguided notion that a corporation appears more sophisticated is not a sound business stratagem. If the person you just hired is spouting off the same bullshit rhetoric as everyone else but with an Australian twang, what's the fucking point?

2. Continuing that idea, I think it's high time all companies became meritocracies. And I'm not talking about grabbing the best and brightest from colleges and other companies. Resumes can be fabricated and GPAs misleading. Before the interview, throw the fucker a trident and have him fight a polar bear. Now, we're talking utile skills. Better yet, tear the candidate's resume up in front of him and ask him to defuse a bomb or everyone in the office dies. You're looking at a future CEO if he gets through the first few wires without sobbing.

3. New York goes out of its way to remind you of how much you both love it and hate it all the same time. It's the reality TV show of cities.

More to come. There's too much to say right now. Horrifying explorations into a curmudgeon's routine. Stay tuned, won't you?