Crank Down the Anger

We finally noticed a pattern. When one of our children got somewhere between nine and fourteen, they’d climb on an emotional rollercoaster and invite us all to join them. Wow, what a tough age to parent!

The first time we went through it, we questioned everything, “Is it us? Have we failed in parenting? Is it him? Is he rejecting everything we’ve taught him?” It was so hard. He seemed to blow up for no reason at all.

“I… Can’t… Stand… the Anger in Here!” one of our sons shouted in a family meeting.

We all looked around, completely bumfuzzled. “Son, there’s no one in here angry but you.”

After going through this seven times with our children and hearing how tons of other families dealt with it in our Boot Camp 9-12 webinars, we’ve realized that this is really a dangerous time in the parent-child relationship. It’s a time that a lot of those relationships are broken, making the next stage a huge challenge. On the other hand, it’s a time that if it’s handled well can lay the foundation for making the teen years great! Here’s what we’ve learned:

Prepare for battle. Sometime when they aren’t angry, explain to them what’s going on. Those hormones are flowing like crazy, preparing their bodies for adulthood, but sometimes it’s too much, then too little, then just enough, and it’s making their emotions go all over the place. Those emotions aren’t based on reality!

More anger doesn’t help. It’s hard when your child is horribly disrespectful, or even throwing around accusations, to keep your own temper, but it’s vital. Here’s our go-to memory verse for parenting these guys in this stage, “for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” Sometimes I think I need it tattooed on my palm. Stay calm and carry on is pretty good advice.

Stop, drop (into a seat), and listen. This is tough when what they are saying makes no sense, but when the enemy is telling them, “Nobody cares,” you need to show them you do. Hear them out. It’ll mean a lot to them one day.

Calmly explain, or ask forgiveness, or talk it through. It’s your turn. If you need to repent, do. It’s a great example to them of what a Christian does when he’s wrong. Or explain to them why they’re wrong. Or help them to understand the situation. Just do it like an adult. Somebody’s got to be the adult around here – and it’s not going to be them.

Take them to the Word. Don’t beat them over the head with it, but while you’re talking it through, be sure to talk about what God says about it. His Word is way more effective than our words.

Show them affection. Generally by this point, they’re repentant. Be sure you show them how glad you are that they’re making it right. A manly hug is the ticket here.

Then, and only then, discipline if you need to. Sometimes their behavior is so egregious that you need to discipline them for the sake of the other children in the house. The funny thing is, that often by this point, they agree! “You’re right, mom. I understand.” That’s when you know you’ve really reached the heart. They are repentant. They’re headed the right direction. You can afford to show them some mercy even when you have to do discipline.

The payoff? When you are the rock, the safe haven, in this storm, you are building trust that will make the years to come so much easier. The preteen years are pretty tough around here, but the teens and twenties have been great!

Related Resource: Tuesday, we’re starting a new session of our LIVE webinar series, Boot Camp 9-12: Getting Geared Up for the Teen Years. It’s interactive, fun, and one of the most popular things we do. If you’re in this stage of parenting, join us for real, practical help and encouragement. And it’s recorded if you can’t make it live. Sign up here!

Yours in the battle,

Hal & Melanie

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11 responses to “Crank Down the Anger”

My daughter is 14 and she struggles with anger and pride as well. She loses control and her pride will not allow her to repent. We had a huge blow up today. This article was timely for me to read. Good advice.

Our middle child (who will be 9 in Sept) has anger issues. But he takes it out on our 5yr old son. He’s disrespectful only to the point of his tone, facial expressions, and pure “shock” that we told him no, or that he’s being punished for his lack of self control (I say “only” because he doesn’t behave this way all day, but it is everyday. Still hugs and kisses us as parents, loves to work and help out.But when he loses it, it’s bad). He acts as if he needs to be center stage, included in everything (adult conversations, inviting himself to people’s homes, etc.) and of course he thinks I pick on him when I won’t let him beat up our 5yr old. Been praying about his anger more than ever lately. Also have a 14yr old son who is very patient with him, but often times he can only take so much before the two of them are exchanging harsh words or punches. I found myself the other day ask why he disrespects me as his Mother, and he clearly said because you’re just a girl. I found that surprising and interesting with no idea how to answer that in the moment, and simply went to my room. And cried. I grew up with 2 older brothers, and an older sister, and we never had these problems. My husband on the other hand, had a brother (the middle child) who did these exact same things. Needless to say, this article is the beginning to a clear answer to my prayers. Thank you for taking the time to share this information 🙂

It’s hard, isn’t it? If it were me, I think I’d sit him down and explain what the Bible says about respecting his mother. Read him Exodus 20:12, “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you.” {{{hugs}}} ~Melanie

If possible your husband should back you up. Teenage boys respect power and they should know that dad doesn’t let them treat mom disrespectfully. My brother died when his sons were teens and his wife asked my husband for help–we took the car and offered to take the computer a few times….until they treated mom better.

If only I had a husband and my son had a dad! His dad was arrested for domestic volence when he was 4. He was pop in the box dad for a whe now no show.
I struggle with the triggers that remind me of his dad, when my son gets angry, puts me down in front of friends, and be littles me.
It is a tuff road.
Thanks for helpful words of advise

I have been working with my boys about controlling anger but I had an “aha” moment a few weeks ago that I wasn’t showing them ways to control their anger. We have been practicing ways to control our anger during family meetings. Breathing exercises, tightening and releasing, etc. Recently I saw my youngest doing one of the exercises when he got angry and it helped.

I pray James 1:19 with my son every night, he prays along. I also thank God that He always forgives us (1 John 1:9) no matter how often we fail. Not because of us, but because of our wonderful Savior who paid the penalty. My son said, “Mom, if I choose not to get angry, that is one less sin Jesus had to suffer for.” That is great motivation!

What do you suggest when you are too late? Meaning your son is 14 and seems to be moving farther and farther from us in his attitude? I see glimpse here and there that he hears us but most of the time he stays holed up in his room. We can’t seem to have a discussion with him with out him trying to spin it into us attacking him..truly we are not.

My sweet oldest son turned 13 in March. I often say to my husband, privately, “He was such an easy and happy little boy, wasn’t he?” Just in the past 6 months he has changed so much! In addition to having a huge growth spurt, his behavior seems erratic and hyper-emotional. He just seems to get into a turmoil over something and then, when you try to help him reason his way out of it, after crying and raging, he will basically say he’s just confused and even HE doesn’t completely know why. It’s awful to go through this with him, and I spend a lot of time each day and night second-guessing the decisions I’ve made, where I’ve put my foot down, when I’ve stuck to my guns — did I do the right thing? It stresses me out to no end! It’s making me a little gun shy, so I’m trying hard to pick my battles. It has sucked the joy out of homeschooling at this point, to a great degree, especially for my younger son who is 11 (and still sweet, for the most part!). Fortunately, once it passes, my oldest still hugs me, comes to me for comfort, sits on my lap and puts his head against my shoulder. He seems worn out by it too. I’m really hoping that this emotional roller-coaster does not last too, too long. It’s draining, and I feel I’ve never really “earned” my parenting stripes until now. Everything else seems easy in comparison.

It is such a difficult age to parent! It’s worth it all, though, because if you can make it through this with your relationship intact, we find the teen years just get better and better. Be sure to check out our Boot Camp 9-12 for solid help with this age range. Keep on doing the right thing, friends! ~Hal and Melanie

At least now I know it’s not just us! I’m am hopeful that, with the Lord’s help, we will navigate this okay. He’s a good boy. I don’t know how this would work if he wasn’t at home with me — seems like school and peer pressures might just make it a whole lot worse?? How did my parents survive me? I was a handful, I’m told, and I did go to public school. Thanks for your reply. I need to talk with parents who have recently gone through this and can help me see the positives and the light at the end of the tunnel.