Friday, May 7, 2010

The Worst

If someone were to ask me what I hated most about the society that I lived in, my number one answer would be Competitive Eating. In a world where many are starving, even in our own backyards, we think it is acceptable to watch people gorge themselves not because they hungry or because they need sustenance but because it is considered entertainment. On November 8th, 2008, Patrick Bertoletti ate 47 slices of pizza in only ten minutes and set a Major League Eating record. On February 11th, 2006, Sonya Thomas ate 8 lbs of chili cheese fries in ten minutes to do the same. Don Lerman even once ate seven quarter pound sticks of butter in five minutes. Just sticks of butter. Why man, why? Last I checked, the food that these individuals devoured for the sake of fun was enough to feed a small African town for upwards of three years! Imagine all the kids sitting around starving to death when they could instead be eating Chili Cheese Fry Buttered Pizza(tm) and living a happy, fat life? Seriously though, it is fucking disgusting and arrogant that we even allow such leagues to even exist. Also, I have copyrighted the idea for Chili Cheese Fry Buttered Pizza(tm) and have submitted it to Jimmy Dean for consideration. Wish me luck.

After competitive eating, if someone were to ask me what I hated second most about the society that I lived in, I would say it is driving and dealing with other drivers on the road. Social norms, consideration for other human beings and any level of politeness goes right out the window the instant someone steps into and begins piloting a motor vehicle. Individuals who are rational and with common sense seem to completely forget that they are driving a ton of metal, hurtling along at 80 miles an hour down a packed highway where a small mistake could kill or main. People are willing to risk an enormous financial investment, their safety and the safety of those around them so that they can get to their destination a good five seconds earlier. It is a perfect example that John Gabriel's Internet Fuckwad Theory is alive and well not only on the internet but in real life as well.

I live in the greater Philadelphia area. I don't live in the city itself but I do live in a populated area that is not too far outside of it. The traffic and behavior of drivers is pretty atrocious but taken in small doses, I can handle it by closing my eyes and pretending that I am actually in a hot tub with Christina Hendricks. Unfortunately, my job sometimes calls for me to have to commute from one side of the city to the other in a manner that pretty much guarantees I have to drive within the actual city limits. It is only about twenty-five miles each way but that number will seem like light-years while sitting in stopped traffic along with a million other cocksuckers who care nothing about anyone on the road but themselves. The other day while returning from work, I was stuck in such a jam. After nearly two hours of travel and with still a few more minutes to go, I went to exit from a major highway and I began to drive around an off-ramp curve. As I slowed down to an acceptable speed for a curvy exit ramp, I looked into my rear view mirror and realized that someone was behind me. Right behind me. Close enough that I began to feel personally violated and concerned for the virginity of my anus. Unhappy with his distance from my car, I slowed even further to send the message that he needed to back the fuck off. Instead of taking my advice, he sped up and passed me dangerously on the ride side of my car, in the middle of an exit ramp, by using a narrow shoulder lane. At that point, something snapped. Two hours of pent up rage and anger at being stuck in traffic suddenly reached its boiling point and I broke like I have never broke before.

Before I even really thought about what I was doing, I sped up and jumped on the ass of the guy who had just passed me. I revved my engine, waved my middle finger in the air and screamed whatever I could think of to scream. The words "fuck", "fuckass", "shitfucker" and "fuckdick" were uttered at least ten times each in a three second period, for certain. As we finished our merge onto the destination road, I blew into the passing lane and pulled up alongside him where I could look at him face-to-face and show him my anger. I looked over at the guy and noticed that he was a much older fellow than me. He was also obviously scared out of his mind as he would not even turn to look out his window at me, the psycho who was driving insanely, honking, revving and screaming. I rolled down my window and prepared to give this guy the tongue lashing of a lifetime. I took a deep breath and I screamed:

"EAT A GIANT BAG OF DICKS!"

I rolled up my window and drove off, adrenaline pumping and rage finally subsiding. I noticed a few miles down the road that while I was now in the right lane and the dickhead I had dealt with on the offramp was in the left, he refused to pull up alongside or pass me until he was certain there was no way we would wind up within eye contact range again. I had apparently scared the living shit out of him. That thought probably should have satisfied me as it was my intention at the time but instead I felt embarassed. I had let anger take a hold of me and cloud my good judgement. Even during that few seconds of road rage driving, I could have hurt myself, the dickhead, or other around us. Worst of all, the best I had been able to come up with when finally getting a chance to tell him off was to eat a bag of dicks.