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Wednesday, May 27, 2015

WWTDD:Chrissy Teigen Topless and Moist

Posted:Wed, 27 May 2015 19:24:54 +0000

Chrissy Teigen is one of those celebrities who gets a free pass for being famous for no good reason. If you consider being half Asian and having big tits no good reason. I could go either way on that. Even Kate Upton has a few crappy movies on her resume by now. Chrissy did have the good instinct to marry her famous boyfriend, one of the John Wooden pyramid building blocks of success. Beyond that, she likes to get loaded and naughty Tweet and let the ocean tide lap up her vagina. The more I think about her lack of accomplishment, the more I realize she might just be the perfect woman. Love is so confusing.

Posted:Wed, 27 May 2015 18:48:21 +0000

Half of soccer’s governing body FIFA just got arrested in Switzerland on charges of being corrupt bastards for as long as anybody can remember. It’s widely known that the worldwide soccer federation is filled with officials who actively rake envelopes full of cash for arranging international matches and picking crappy countries to host the World Cup. The International Olympic Committee understudies with FIFA to learn how to steal shit more effectively. The U.S. Attorney General finally got a big enough bug up her ass to start issuing indictments on FIFA officials for snaking more than $150 million in illicit funds. Maybe she just got sick of hearing about how soccer is the most popular sport in the world. Or watching ninety minute nil-nil matches where players kick the ball backward to their own goalie in between faking femur fractures for free kicks.

I’m left with the question, who gives a shit if FIFA takes cash and whores to host their 2022 World Cup in Qatar where they’re using Indonesian slaves to quick build enough stadiums so that every citizen of Qatar gets their own after the World Cup is over? As though government contracting in this country is particularly any different. Every male on this planet who doesn’t subsist on warm rice porridge understands that American Football is the beautiful sport, followed not far behind by NBA basketball. Just look at what one billion Chinese started getting into the minute they were given an option beyond soccer and 1960′s Schwinn bike races. People love soccer like they love network television before cable. If they behead these FIFA officials it will be the most exciting thing to happen in soccer since they stopped using lamb bladders. Two months until preseason football. Off with their heads!

Posted:Wed, 27 May 2015 17:36:14 +0000

If you’re thinking Taylor Swift looks like the submissive girlfriend then you’re falling into the same demon hole this poor Scottish fuck is currently descending. His name is Adam, he calls himself Calvin and he’s at the forefront of electroclash music whatever the hell that musical abortion is.

Through all his DJ equipment and Casio keyboard plugins Calvin can’t see the bear trap that is the Taylor Swift vagina. I think I’ll just slide myself into… SNAP! Fuck! Four days later the morphine drip wears off and you wake up in a hospital checking out the haggis that used to be your cock as a hit song plays on the radio calling you an asshole. Household cleaners come with multiple bold letter warnings. Girlfriends come with jack shit. This is called natural selection. Second base is the furthest from home. There is no analogy in cricket. You’re already dead.

Posted:Wed, 27 May 2015 17:12:48 +0000

If you’re working a gig where a bald dude barks at you to keep bouncing until your tits fall out of your top, it’s time to consider those new mandated fifteen dollar an hour jobs at McDonald’s. You can’t explain this photo work to your friends and family. Even stepdad who touched you because mom was exhausted from chores and cancer is going to express a measure of disappointment. This speaks to the mediocrity of pursuing the middle. Bikini model or tit model. Tweeners don’t go to heaven.

Posted:Wed, 27 May 2015 16:45:12 +0000

Johnny Depp is reportedly facing up to 10 years in prison and $263,000 in fines for bringing his two lap dogs into Australia on his private jet along with a bunch of caviar and a shipment of ascots. That’s if he’s prosecuted. By that rationale I’m facing a thousand years in solitary for jaywalking the last thirty years while publicly intoxicated. The pilot of the plane could also be on the hook for two years, which seems a bit more plausible since he doesn’t wear his cute rock and roller costume around everywhere. I’m frankly sick of these double standards. I don’t care about the dogs because I’m pretty sure they don’t have rabies or even calloused feet and are probably vegan and properly suited to be eaten by Tasmanian devils as nature has designed.

I’d like to know why I have to take my belt and shoes off at the airport and Depp can step on a jet rocking 17 necklaces 6 braceletts 4 rings and a chain from his wallet to his taint. That’s enough Fury Road gear to kick some ass if you’re not a midget on methadone. Of course I don’t fly private but I don’t see why they’re not subjected to the same rules. You’re picking my last Xanax out of my aspirin bottle and this fucker is housing yapping bio terrorists. How do you work out in that get up? Bend over and cough, Jack Sparrow.

Posted:Wed, 27 May 2015 16:23:45 +0000

Kylie Jenner took time out of her hectic school day to tan her tits and dip her toes into the conspiracy theories that primarily dwell in the minds of the mumbling homeless and Hollywood celebrities. Jenner chose chemtrails for her dissertation. Chemtrail savants such as Roseanne Barr and Prince believe the U.S. government, the Trilateral Commission and Voldemort are conspiring to kill the honey bees and make James Franco’s even more fake gay by spreading poison behind Southwest jets on their fourth of seven stops between anywhere and Nashville.