As a copywriter and business owner, I can’t listen to an industry podcast or open a newsletter without finding some mention of the importance of finding balance within the hustle. I do my best to stay on top of my self-care, and a few weeks ago I signed up for an early morning spin class at a studio in here in Nashville I’d never attended before. I’m new to indoor cycling, but have found that the dark room, red lights, and heavy bass allow me to convince myself that I am a morning workout person (which is actually a total and utter lie). In any case, I clipped in and prepared to pedal out some of the noise in my head.

Healing, Hijacked

Now, I should start off by saying that I am not averse to instructor encouragement or hearing inspirational anecdotes during a workout. After all, there is science that validates the power of positive thinking. But as soon as this particular instructor started proselytizing about our guiding light and shedding negativity, I felt like a lululemon-clad Billy Graham had descended upon us and I was immediately turned off. For most of the class she gesticulated wildly from her bike, elevated above her spinning pulpit in the front of the room, preaching her sermon of wellness and woo.

Of course, boutique fitness heavy-hitters like the SoulCycle franchise might be to blame for what appears to be a recent uptick in “meditative fitness.” And like most millennial-ish female entrepreneurs with a little disposal income, I’m drawn to things that promise me less stress, more energy, and greater enlightenment under the guise of #selfcare.

But I’m also well-versed in marketing psychology and I’m a trained mental health professional. I’ve studied the inner workings of the human mind and I’ve applied behavioral science in treating dysfunction in real people. So in short, I know a thing or two about the path to healthy, sustainable change.

And it does not begin and end with vision boards, essential oils, bath bombs, yoga retreats, life coaching, inspirational quotes, or anything else someone is trying to sell you on Instagram.

But it Feels So Good

All of the those self-care endeavors I just mentioned feel good, at least for a little while, and can have a meaningful place in a healthy lifestyle. And if you’re reading this and you’ve got an extra ticket to a yoga retreat in Bali - sign a sister up.

The issue here is that in commercializing self-care and coaching, we risk positioning ourselves to purchase solutions rather than do the real work necessary to achieve long-term results. Not to mention, the wellness and coaching space is an almost entirely unregulated industry. I can call myself a life coach, soul healer, or dream weaver and start charging for my “services” today - and no one governing body exists to check my credentials (or my intentions). For example, maybe you’ve heard of the MLM essential oil company called Young Living who has come under fire from the FDA for false claims. One of their reps who operated as “The Path to Sunshine” was marketing one of their oils as a treatment for sexual assault. And that rage that’s welling up inside you as you realize what you just read? DoTerra has a “treatment” for that too.

In Praise of Heavy Vetting

As human beings, we are naturally conditioned to avoid pain - sometimes even at our own expense. It’s so much easier to fork over $2k for a “wellness weekend” or coaching intensive then it is to engage in the painful process of acknowledging our own limitations and self-imposed barriers. As delicious as those vegan bites might be during your blissed out retreat, they aren’t a lasting fix for whatever is standing in the way of your own growth or healing.

So what do you do? Set fire to your vision board and yank the crystals out of your bra? Maybe.

What I’ve found to be most helpful is slowing down and carefully vetting resources and supports before money ever changes hands. One of the most powerful things I learned in graduate school was how to measure the impact of my work and communicate my value to stakeholders. Of course, not everything that matters can be measured, and not everything we measure matters. But remember that as a consumer you always have the right to ask questions, and here are a few you should be asking the prospective healers and helpers in your life:

Ask a prospective coach or helper to provide you with information on the outcomes of their work. Ask how their clients’ lives improved because of their work together and ask to speak to references. If you hear crickets, or if they’re offended by the inquiry, run.

Before someone offers you advice - in business, friendship, love, or on your yoga mat, find out what qualifies them to do so. Ask about credentials and training, look for social proof, and find out if they are being supervised by a more senior member of their profession.

If you’re going to purchase a workshop or retreat in the personal development space, definitely ask about the experience of whoever is leading the course. Ask what type of theoretical framework the training is grounded in (not because you need to understand the nitty gritty of the framework - but because you need to find out if there is one).

Dig around and look for reviews published on the provider’s website or elsewhere. Are they actively engaged on social media? Are they providing value to their followers? Or does it seem like their presence is more aimed at sales alone?

Check to see if the coach or provider is soliciting feedback. People who care about doing ethical work ask their clientele about what’s working and what’s not.

With a little practice, you can ensure that these points get covered organically within the first few conversations and it doesn’t have to feel like an inquisition. I recently hired a business coach myself and I had to ask him a few tough questions about his experience coaching women. What struck me was his willingness to engage and open up about our differences, and that went a long way in building trust between us.

TLDR: When you’re stressed out and you’re not meeting your financial goals, it might be tempting to throw some money at a would-be savior who looks like she’s living the dream. But before you do, remember that the process of achieving success is terribly unsexy and rarely shared online. You deserve a coach or helper who can demonstrate their value and who respects you enough to be transparent about what they can and cannot do for you.

As the holidays approach, many of us are headed home to eat at tables where there the political divide is deep and wide. Some of us are refusing to go home altogether. And yet many more of us are still facing down that crossroads, unsure which way to turn - to dissolve relationships with our loved ones because of their political leanings, or grin and bear the discomfort of our differences for the sake of maintaining connection.

I can’t tell you which path to choose, every family is different and your boundaries are your own. But I can say that I’ve found ways to stay true to my moral compass and feminist underpinnings without having to end my relationships with all the Trump supporters whom share my genetics. The following essay is a chronicle of my experience - how I raised the price of admission into my life and learned to compromise without becoming an apologist for the right. In this era of unprecedented division in our homes and in our country, it is my hope that we can begin leaning into the tough conversations that bring us closer together rather than farther apart.

I Think I’m At The Wrong Church Picnic

Some of you who follow me on social media might remember a series of posts from a few months ago about politically diverse families. At the time, I was visiting my brother and cousin in northern Minnesota when Trump came to town, and I got inside a MAGA rally undetected. My rationale for attending the rally was simple, my leftist peers and I were totally ignorant of what one of these events is really like. So I wanted to take a look for myself and chronicle the experience, not as a counter-protester but as an observer.

For context, both my brother and my cousin got tickets early and were excited to see Trump speak. Despite getting a ticket myself (they were free) the turnout was so large that the event was completely oversold. So when Donald gets on the mic, complaining about how the press doesn’t accurately portray the size of the crowds that turn up for his events - he has a point. I say this having only attended one rally, but it was definitely the case in Duluth, MN.

Unable to get inside the venue, I was left to stand in line with others who were hoping to get a glimpse of the POTUS and wander the grounds. There were a few things that surprised me right away, namely that the people I was surrounded by in line were so friendly and upbeat. I assumed that the overall vibe would have been more ominous and angry, but the gleeful excitement was electric. Yes, there were some “build the wall” chants, but if you were further away you could have easily mistaken these chants for a high school homecoming cheer. It was an odd experience, like a midwestern church picnic with terrifying carnival games.

Once the rally began and the line dissipated I decided to start talking to counter-protestors. My intention was to find out if they, like me, perhaps had family members whose politics differed from their own. I figured that since these people and I were more likely to have some common ground, that they might be open to talking about their experiences.

But I was dead wrong.

As I approached various groups holding signs with plenty of love your neighbor-type messaging, I politely introduced myself, let them know I had family on the inside of the rally, and asked how they were handling the political divide in their own families. I wasn’t there to talk about Trump. I wanted to discover how my peers were keeping their families intact within our divisive climate. But the responses I got ranged from angry shouting to tears. I was accused of being “just as bad as Trump” for maintaining ties with his supporters and had more than one person storm off before I could finish explaining my position. The misdirected rage and total unwillingness to discuss ways to bridge the gap surprised me, but perhaps it shouldn’t have. This is part of the problem that many on the left are contributing to, the slamming of doors and facebook unfriending that eliminates any chance of building a new alliance.

Somewhat defeated, I made my way downtown and into a sports bar on the shore of Lake Superior that had their TVs turned to live coverage of the rally. I sat by myself, drank, and listened to Trump ad lib his usual routine, subbing in words like “mining” and “great lakes” as he pandered. I could feel the people seated at the next table watching me as I scribbled notes, and I could tell they were curious about the tattooed woman sitting alone. Between moments of applause, one of them, a flannel-clad man with a thick northern Minnesota accent and a stout beard to match, approached me. He asked if I’d been inside the rally, and I told him no, and explained why I was there. It turned out that he was there with his family, all Trump supporters. He expressed what seemed like a sincere interest in what I wanted to accomplish and a genuine curiosity about my perspective. Finding more ways to reach across the aisle within our own families seemed totally reasonable to him, a man who voted for Trump.

As the crowds receded I headed back to my brother’s house where he, my cousin, and I talked about the day, their perspective from inside, mine from the outside. I expressed the discomfort and frustration that came up as they described how Trump had mocked a protestor getting removed from the rally saying “is that a man or a woman?” because he had long hair. In spite of that, when I described what had happened with the counter-protesters and at the sports bar my family listened respectfully because they support what I was there to do.

What America Do You Live In?

We all know that middle Americans are tired of getting their necks stepped on by what they perceive as Washington elites and ivory tower liberals. Trump’s sarcasm and irreverence makes them feel like finally, someone is speaking up for them. However misguided this perspective may be, the underlying feelings of exploitation and fear are very very real.

Unlike many of my friends, I wasn’t surprised whatsoever that Trump was elected and I was not afraid to attend his rally. It seems like those with the most disbelief around Trump’s rise to power are those who are very insulated from working class people. I’m not sure what America they live in, but the one I inhabit is full of people who don’t always think like I do, but they are my friends, family, and neighbors. In other words, I don’t feel a sense of otherness when I talk to Trump supporters because in my life I interact with them all the time.

We don’t share the same perspective because unlike me, many of these people never had the opportunity to travel abroad or get a bachelors degree let alone a masters degree. They don’t know what I mean when I talk about white privilege, internalized misogyny, or rape culture. As a cis, white, hetero-passing female I am dripping with privilege. So I believe the onus is on me to adopt the posture of the humilitant learner when I encounter someone who thinks differently than I do. Because the fact is, I’ll never understand the lived experience of someone outside my political circle if I don’t maintain a sense of genuine curiosity while I allow them to tell me about it.

Influence Requires Embracing Discomfort

In staying the course through difficult conversations with my brother, we have influenced each other and have built a relationship that has lead to immense growth and understanding. Neither of us are changing party affiliation, but we have built a bridge of empathy between us that makes it impossible to view each other as the liberal or alt right caricatures from the nightly news.

My little brother with the big heart voted for Trump. He is not a racist or a bigot, but I won’t excuse the fact that he voted for one and therefore there is blood on his hands. But he also has shown profound respect for his mouthy older feminist sister who writes about sex, money, and women’s rights on the internet. Through our relationship I’ve increased his awareness of my experience as a woman in the #metoo era and encouraged him to reconsider some of his assumptions. In turn, he’s given me hope for healing the divide.

When I feel defeated (like when I read how many women just voted for Marsha Blackburn), I’m reminded that seeing the person underneath their politics matters. I can listen and validate a person’s experience even when it’s in sharp contrast to mine, and in doing so strengthen the relationship that is ultimately the strongest tool I have to create meaningful change.

For more photos and videos of the rally I attended in Duluth, MN follow me on Instagram @immaculate.confessions and send me your thoughts on navigating family and politics this holiday season!

A few years ago, the University of Oregon published a study that found that young womxn* who posted sexy photos on social media were perceived as less competent than their conservatively dressed counterparts.

In light of these findings, Elizabeth Daniels, the lead researcher for the experiment, advised that womxn only post social media photos that showcase their identity (i.e their hobbies and interests).

"Don't focus so heavily on appearance," she said, “focus on who you are as a person and what you do in the world.”

Sounds good right? But let’s unpack this for a moment.

Sexual expression is an important part of identity, and for many womxn, it’s a major source of empowerment. We also know that sexual repression continues to plague our culture, and can lead to significant emotional harm.

We’re still often told that modesty is what commands respect. But what about challenging the norms that keep fear-based attitudes about female sexuality in place? And is it simply an unfortunate truth that we’re more hirable if we keep our sexuality under wraps and off of Instagram?

I’m not buying it.

In between the corporate grind and building my own business, I do freelance modeling for creative collaborations that feed my soul. This isn't true for everyone, but for me, showing my skin helps me feel more at home in it. And when I walk into a boardroom or pitch new business, it is partly because of (not in spite of) this work that I’m successful.

Ask anyone who makes a living in the naked arts - burlesque dancers and strippers alike - and they will tell you that the skills they learn onstage can translate into huge gains in business. It's about giving yourself permission to take up space; it's about building confidence.

Model @hibrandie

Recently, my all-female crew Next Door Creative produced a styled shoot for the woman-owned lingerie boutique Darlin in Nashville.

The photographer Laura Schneider and the makeup artist Erika Pareja were an absolute dream team, and the result was some of the best visual storytelling I’ve ever been a part of. We set out to create an honest portrayal of strong femininity through unapologetic sexual energy, and I am proud to say I think we nailed it.

Model @immaculate.confessions

Of course, as womxn we have to acknowledge our vulnerability, and consider safety in everything we post and do. So I’m not suggesting that we spend our erotic capital to further exploit ourselves, or that we shouldn’t keep close tabs on what our daughters post online. I’m simply asking to revisit this notion that open sexual expression somehow makes us less competent, and in turn, less hirable.

For a long time, I worried about my digital presence. I feared that prospective content marketing clients would judge my modeling work and this blog, and that I’d lose income because of it.

But it turns out that being authentic is really good for my business, and I'm so much happier being open about my work.

It’s also been a great litmus test to weed out any potential partnerships that I’d likely regret down the road (aka if you won't hire me because of the photos in this post or if you're sleazy in my DMs I don't want to work with you anyway). These small steps toward greater transparency continue to help me grow, and I’ve found that this congruence suits me just fine.

Model @blissfulstupor

Looking around, it seems that attitudes about female sexuality are shifting, and this will continue as more womxn make their way to the c-suite. For example, GM CEO Mary Barra recently made some waves when she overhauled GM’s lengthy dress code policy. The first female CEO of a major automaker, she replaced ten pages of employee regulations with two words “dress appropriately.” And when asked what could be done to most improve the lives of womxn at work she simply said:

“Stop making assumptions.”

Leaders like Barra give me hope for a world of work where womxn are judged by our abilities and trusted to make sound judgements about how we portray ourselves. I dream of a day when my sexuality isn't a professional liability, when pantsuits aren’t prerequisites for promotions, and when a womxn is safe to celebrate her full spectrum of self.

So tell me, do you have to censor yourself online because of your job?

Have you ever been reprimanded for your social media presence?

If you’re a model or otherwise fan of the #sensualselfie, how do you juggle your digital and professional identifies?

Models left to right @immaculate.confessions @blissfulstupor @hibrandie

*I was fortunate to collaborate on the Darlin shoot with @blissfulstupor who prefers the pronouns they/them. Working with Bliss was a great opportunity for me to learn more about creating content that’s more inclusive for nonbinary people. Using terms like womxn, enby people/humans, and nonbinary folx helps increase visibility and start meaningful dialogues - something we need in Nashville. Thanks so much Bliss for your patience and willingness share your story with me!