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Monday, September 24, 2012

Wobbly...Weepy...Worried

#1 twin (B) is back at school today. Breathing treatments and antibiotics and chest pounding will continue for another ten days or so, but other than that...things are back to normal.

Well...almost.

We're still dealing with the toll that stress takes on your body and psyche after a crisis has been resolved. While most of my family is just happy everyone is home, B and I are struggling, just a little, to get our mojo back. The hubs is, as usual, the rock around this place. His easy, laid back personality allows him to live in the moment and while he is not immune to the stress this situation has caused, he won't be weighed down by it now that it's passed. I envy that.

The oldest at home and #2 twin are also "live in the moment" kind of people. They both care and were impacted, but they're just happy everyone is back home now.

B, on the other hand, has had a couple of meltdowns since coming home. He has revealed how scared he was before we got him to the hospital. He actually thought he was going to die. The night before we went to the doctor and then to the ER, he said the rosary because he was so frightened. He said he told his dad on Wednesday that he wanted to go back to the doctor but that the hubs asked him to give the medicine a chance to work. His interpretation of that was that the hubs didn't want to take him because we are uninsured right now (new job insurance doesn't kick in until 10/1).

I wondered why he kept texting and asking me when I'd be home AND kept saying things like, "I just wish I could go to Urgent Care or the ER and they could suck all this out of me." I interpreted that as, "I want this to be over," instead of "I think I'm dying and I'm really scared." If I had heard the latter I would have scooped him up (okay...helped him to the car) immediately and taken him to the doctor which would have given us a 24 hour jump start on getting him well.

So now he's processing all of that. I explained to him that he's grown and needs to let us know when something like that is happening...whether it be an illness, trouble with school, drinking, financial or whatever. That unless he speaks up, we can't know and we can't help. I also explained that feeling a sense of let down and depression is very common after a hospital stay and that it should go away within a couple of days.

I wish I could take my own advice.

I feel like I've been pulled through a knot hole. I'm feeling terrible about not listening to my intuition that told me to leave work on Wednesday and get him to a doctor. I'm completely wrung out emotionally from worry about whether or not he was going to be okay. I'm still not caught up on the sleep I lost both at home prior to him being in the hospital and then at the hospital, since I stayed with him the whole time (I only left to go home and shower...don't judge). To say I'm a little wobbly today would likely be an understatement.

I am in unfamiliar territory here people.

Allow me to clarify. I am no stranger to stress and drama. A very large part of my life has been spent in hospitals and dealing with medical goings on. Stress and I have been dance partners since I was a little kid so we are well acquainted. It's how to deal with it in recovery that is unfamiliar to me.

Up until 2 1/2 years ago, I dealt with stress and drama in one of two ways. First I stuffed it down - which resulted in my hair falling (alopecia aeota) and later clinical depression. When it was clear that this way was killing me, I began to process through the stress by talking to my shrink...the hubs. Now, in order to get peace and quiet while I processed, we had to leave the house. And where did we go when we left the house? Why to a bar of course! So while that worked as well, it also fed my monster for many years.

Now? Hmmmm.... I'm not sure. I tried to talk to the hubs about the way I was feeling but I don't think I was getting through. This may or may not have been because I was still a little angry about the way he dismissed my intuition which may or may not have created a little defensiveness in him. I want an apology damnit...and so does B.

Then again...I also may or may not have been looking for somewhere to place the blame because I felt like shit about myself and the hubs wasn't having any of it.

I started really thinking about it today and I realized that this is the first time since I've been sober that we've had a real crisis. It came fast and furious and left me totally unprepared for its aftermath. I handled the situation just fine (I always do...I'm the one you want in a crisis), but now?

Wobbly, weepy and worried.

And I don't even know if that's normal. I just know it's how I'm feeling right now. And I know I'm sober and I got through this crisis without even a nod to alcohol and for that I am proud.

11 comments:

i think it's pretty darn normal to wonder if you did the right thing when someone is sick. but it sounds to me like you did fine. you will never know all that you NEED to know at the same time! some things you'll learn later, it's like pieces of the puzzle that don't come together until AFTER (like how freaked out your son was). you could also wonder if his freaked-out-ness was fever induced... it's not like you ignored him ... you love him to bits, that's super clear. it feels to me like you're being really hard on yourself, maybe for the first time ever? (haha). boys don't talk much anyway, esp. when sick. my husband thinks he has cancer every time he coughs. i have to remember to be patient when he panics. every single time he has an itch, he's worried. AND i have to remind him not to cry wolf or i'll miss something important later. same situation, but different sides. i have to get husband to remember that i'm not him. same for your son - you encourage him to talk/explain more, you encourage your husband to listen more when you raise alarm, and you go on from there. You are fine. All is well. Hugs from me to you. everyone is freaked out when someone is sick. you're sober, though, hey? that's pretty darn amazing :)

You linked me to this and I just love it. Most of my regrets/guilt over the years have involved my son so this post really resonated with me. Please re-read it and remember not to stumble on somthing behind you!

Sherrie, I'm so sorry you went through this but I'm so glad everything and everybody is okay now. That's what is important. You were right in what you said to your son, it is such a fine balance we walk with teenagers, are we hovering too much, are we treating them like babies? He needed to let you know but he was trying to be grown up and not act like a baby. And if elmo is like the cap'n, he's not going to show is concern because he knows if he acts scared then you are going to panic. Imperfection, the human condition, if only we could know what will happen, but we can't, all we can do is learn our lessons and it sounds like you all have. There's nothing more you can do.

Try to let go of your anger,at yourself and at your DH, you did your best with what you knew and your son is ok because you did take him to the hospital,you didn't wait too late. Give yourself credit for that.

So pleased B's back home and feeling better. I still think he is terribly lucky to have a mother who gives a shit as much as you obviously do. It is no reflection of your love that he couldn't let you know how sick he was feeling and what he needed (sorry, terribly constructed sentence, hope you get what i mean).Hope you're rested up and ready to give yourself a bit of that love xx

Sherry, I'm glad B's back home too, and pretty much ditto what Mary Kay says about it being hard to strike a balance with teenage lads; it's difficult (impossible) to know if they are playing something down, or up. Often, in my experience, men (partners, doctors) can tend to think we are, as mothers, being a tad hysterical . . . which we know we're not! We are intuitive in many ways, especially when it comes to our children.Also hindsight does it's best to show us what we should've, could've, would've done, or said.You did right Sherry, you got him to hospital and he's on the mend . . . And you're still Sober, if a little shaken by the experience. Take care, much love and many hugs to you x x x

I have been following your blog for awhile now and just wanted to comment.

First, so glad your son is recovering. Such wonderful comments above and all so on point.

As for:

"It came fast and furious and left me totally unprepared for its aftermath. I handled the situation just fine (I always do...I'm the one you want in a crisis), but now?"

This is something I realized about myself a long time ago. I am fine during crisis and stress, it is after it has passed that I fall apart.

This may be something that is very important for you to recognize and accept in yourself. We step up to the plate when needed but do not process the events and their emotional impact until after the crisis is over. That is ok.

Knowing this about myself gives me the space to deal with the stress of the crisis and know that when the aftermath comes at me full force later on I will recognize it and deal with it. It is freeing AND normal......

Baby, you are the trooper and so is B....I caused you and he untold fear and trouble for putting faith in the Med Prof instead of the people who are the dearest in the World to me...I sincerely apologize for this and wish with all my heart that I could change the circumstances of this trama/crisis but not to the point that I need a "do over"...Love you for putting up with me, as always...

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