WWJGD: What Would Jane Goodall Do?

I know, everyone has an opinion on the child-falling-into-gorilla-pen drama, but of course mine is the most important, and hopefully, the most entertaining.

First of all, gorillas on display in a pen at a zoo. Not good. Not good for 1000 reasons, including preventing the scenario that just happened. Also, gorillas eat too much of that zoo junk food and their waistline goes all to hell. So let’s protect gorillas but not put them on display like some kind of animal. I have former bosses and distant relatives who would be more deserving of that treatment, and certainly more entertaining. Throw a conference table and white board in there, and trust me, antics will ensue.

Second, all we’ve really heard is the kid’s side of the story. From the gorilla perspective, totally different angle. Say you’re sitting in your living room, minding your own business, and suddenly a baby gorilla falls down next to you from nowhere.

Reaction? Probably not, “hey, let me get you a beer.” But you probably wouldn’t intentionally hurt it either, unless there were a whole bunch of people screaming and freaking you out and making you feel like you should do something drastic. Like give it a lite beer. Not cool dude.

Third, we know lots about the gorilla, but little about the child other than it is a small human we feel biologically compelled to protect. But I’ve met lots of toddlers who frankly, didn’t measure up compared to a gorilla. Maybe this kid is one of those screaming, bratty, nuisance children. It would be good to take time to assess that before choosing sides. Can we really weigh the value of a human toddler against the value of another primate? I, for one, am not comfortable that the outcome is a foregone conclusion.

Finally, my most obvious point. Gorilla day care. A pen inside a pen, wherein small humans could do whatever the hell they do all day, gorillas could get acclimated to loud, smelly little humans, and working parents could leave for the day knowing their child would be well cared for, and possibly fed whatever gorillas and/or small humans eat. Something tells me we’re going to need lots of those little boxes of animal crackers.

There’s a third party involved – the zoo. Once they figure out how to keep a toddler from going in the gorilla cage, they could use it to keep them out of restaurants, airplanes – the list is endless! Talk about making the best of a bad situation (and continuing the theme of being politically incorrect)!

Definitely not politically correct but I wouldn’t expect you to be. Perhaps all the humans should be caged inside and let the gorillas walk around outside in nature. I actually think that’s a concept they have somewhere.