Death to Seat Belts! Sen. Joni Ernst Demands an End to All ‘Fascistic’ Driving Regulations

Feeling restrained by that seat belt? Resent being told you can’t text and drive, never mind drink? Hate going to the DMV? The GOP’s Freedom Caucus is riding like John Wayne to your rescue, only he now looks like Sen. Joni Ernst (R, IA).

Sen. Joni Ernst: “Cut them road rules like a pair of hog’s balls!”

At a press conference this morning, the “anti-seat belt senator” called America’s many onerous driving regulations “Communism on wheels,” and demanded their immediate repeal.

“Road rules are the worst kind of government over-reach,” Ernst dimpled prettily. “Who in the hell do the Feds and state authorities think they are, telling us which side of the road to drive on?

“You know who else told people to drive on only one side of the autobahn? Rudolf Hitler.”

Ernst said that her proposals “simply extend the Second Amendment to cars. Our position is that car licensing and ownership should be treated the same as guns.”

The senator added: “You don’t need no training before you can buy and use a fire arm. You just go to the dealer and ten minutes later bang, bang! some thug bites the dust, like the Founding Parents
intended. We just want to do the same thing with cars, is all.”

Ernst said that as soon as her proposals become law, “I’m gonna drive all over America on whatever side of the road I damn well please, and ain’t no damn gummint Big Brother gonna tell me otherwise, or it’s snip-snip for him!”

She cut the air menacingly with her index and second fingers. Combined with her flashing smile, the effect was strangely disturbing.

“George Washington crossed the Delaware anytime he wanted,” Ernst pointed out. “And if Cliven Bundy and I want to drive up and down both sides of a one-way street simultaneously, then, Mister, you better damn move aside!

Other proposals from Ernst do away with seat-belt requirements for riders, and “oppressive restraint rules” for infants and children.

Multi-channel TV and Internet access on the driver’s dashboard will be permitted and — the so-called “Mitt Amendment” — pets may legally be strapped to a vehicle’s roof for longer journeys.

Driving on both sides of the road, Ernst noted, “will of course be responsibly phased in.”

Trucks will go first, for a six-month adjustment period, and then passenger cars and other vehicles will follow.

Obeying traffic signs, “especially Yields and Stops,” will become “optional” and, Ernst added, “that whole rigmarole about learning to drive and getting a license will be done away with. Just like guns.

“No more monthly inspections, and no more traffic stops for broken tail lights and other trivial driving faults, unless you’re black.

“The best answer to a bad driver is an even badder driver, preferably with a gun.”

She wound up: “Look, no one asked Wyatt Earp if he knew how to ride or cut the balls off his hogs or shoot a gun. He just did what came natcherly, like the Gospel says, and gave us the victory at the Golden Corral.