At the ripe old age of 45, I have learned a thing or two.

One of those things, which I love dearly, is the art of the blowjob.

But I was not born knowing. This is a skill that I have developed over 20 long years of practice, research and reflection. I have asked men and women alike for assistance. I have been taught by some of the best, and underneath it all has been an ardent desire to learn.

It came about many years ago, when I was married. My wasband had a very hard time coming to orgasm, to the point that I would regularly spend two hours or so on his most important member (MIM) so that he could get there.

At first, I viewed this as work. I had always liked it before, but really, two hours on my knees? Working my jaw like a teenage girl with too much gum? Geezus. I would labor through the process, very often feeling resentful and angry by the end. As time went by, the more I saw this act as hard labor, the less effective it became. I quickly realized that if I did not truly enjoy what I was doing, neither would he.

I had put myself on this path; I had committed to him and myself that I would put the effort in. I started reading books, talking with experts, and researching articles by people who gave excellent head. The common theme that quickly emerged was that every article and book I read was written from the point of view of someone who truly loved it. I realized that the key to giving good head was to truly love it.

So I decided that I would love everything about giving excellent head, view it as a way to be closer to my man and please him like no one else could. I would view it as a way to grow spiritually, to choose my thoughts about the act instead of reacting to my physical suffering around it.

It worked. The more I loved it, the more he loved it. It quickly became our favorite thing. I would offer to do it every morning when we got up, and told him I needed to “practice” getting better at it. I had successfully turned an act which I loathed into one I loved, simply by changing my mind. Needless to say, he was pleased as well.

Six years later, our marriage ended, (improving my skills and mindset did not solve every problem, I guess), but I had worked so hard at directing my thoughts, so hard at sharpening my skills, that I emerged with a great love for the act. I carried this experience forward to other areas of my life. I came to love more things in my life simply because I decided to. Unpleasant situations became opportunities to practice choosing my thoughts around it. Unpleasant people become challenges for me to practice compassion.

I look back now and see how that simple change of mindset around blowjobs changed my life. I am better at work, better at art, better in relationships. I have decided that I can love anything if I can love blowjobs. Except liver. That is still one thing I am having a really hard time loving.

21 Comments

Ah yes, the loving herpes kiss. The CDC and Bureau of government Statistics now estimates that 80-90% of adult, (and sadly even adolescent) population has herpes. Why the increase? It is directly related to the increase in oral sex. It has become as common as coffee, and rather than a rare delight, is now a rote prelude or replacement to intercourse. Herpes Type 1 is transferred from mouth to genitals; type 2 is transferred from genitals to mouth. Should these facts make oral sex taboo again? Nothing is going to make that happen, but we can think and rethink: this is not riskless behavior. Is IS sex, though much of our cheapening it has pretended otherwise. We've arrived at a society where adolescent girls collect brilliant lipsticks for the sole purpose of giving head at blowjob parties for the pleasure and bragging rights of boys; we've got to change our casual attitudes, at least adjust them.
Let's use our brains a little:
1) we can promote a little less male egocentricity here. In the sexual arena, in most cases, men are microwaves and women are crockpots. If oral sex is "needed" it's most often women who need to receive it, yet in every movie, in every plot scenario, sex starts with the man getting head. Why? Ding Ding Ding: "the money's on the table honey."
2) We've skewed a loving act and built it down to become as common as pissing in a urinal. Is this real celebratory romance of the penis, or another liturgical attempt at lurid cheap tattoo flash and male aggrandizement and enticement.

Yes, celebrate your lover's body, but pay attention. CELEBRATE YOUR OWN BODY AND WORTH. Don't deal out blowjobs like cards at a hot poker game. Value, we're made of it. Try to remember.

I appreciate your article; it was not what I expected. I agree with your perspective of doing things with a positive mindset and how it truly makes a difference for the better. I will remember this the next time I see my man. 😉

Thanks for your spot on article and the opportunity to add a comment or two because I can relate. I am a 73 y.o. male who still loves sex dearly and especially blow jobs these days since my virility has waned, but not by choice. I'm somewhat like your husband was in that I've never been able to ejaculate during the act but with my second wife during my fifties I learned to let go and release while gently thrusting in her mouth and throat which "flew me to the moon". Unfortunately, we agreeably divorced after 5 years due to drama from her sons who disliked their mother being married to a Black man. After our divorce I regressed and since then can get there by masturbation only but not before I've pleased my woman until she begs me to stop.

I have always had a great interest in the "Joy of Sex" and it has always been my aim to please my lady thoroughly. At age 15 in 1958 while working during the summer in Atlantic City, N.J. I discovered and began reading "Sexology Magazine", a small weekly pocket issue. Immediately, I learned that one of the major issues between men and women was that men could not or would not put forth effort long enough to please their partners. I made a decision then that I would not make that mistake so I practiced holding back before I ejaculated until my lady was completely satisfied or so I thought. It was a great ego trip seeing and feeling my partner reach multiple orgasms, however, I later learned it was too, a great pleasure for women to get their man off so I had to learn to stop holding back and train myself to let go but it took reprogramming my mind and body which was not easy after doing the opposite for so long. However, I was never able to learn to let go during oral sex and still to this day cannot do so no matter how much concentration I put into it.

Just like Terry, I read many articles and books about sex. In the 70's, I read about "Masters & Johnson's" studies of sex and sexuality and learned about the "G-Spot". There were arguments pro and con back then but in more recent times based on my readings it seems many men like myself discovered and learned the technique of G-Spot pleasuring. Kudos to those of the male gender that realize pleasing our partners immensely contributes to better relationships although sex is only one very important aspect of the overall relationship. Heavy foreplay including, lots of hot kissing, breast play, oral vaginal and G-Spot pleasuring much as she desires has lead to my receiving fantastic blowjobs ending in masturbation on my part with no complaints as they love "Sending me to The Moon" one way if not the other. As for me, bringing such pleasure to my girlfriends has been rewarding and they have shared the same sentiments with me. I remain friends with some of them to this day but unfortunately for them I remain a one woman man with great memories of our past pleasures. Today, I have a wonderful special lady 14 years my junior and she absolutely loves "Sending Me to The Moon" as much as I love the mysteries of her G-Spot.

Thanks so much for your story. It takes a lot to share something like that, and I appreciate that you did it. I think it would be easier for all of us if we could talk about the things that we are trained to be embarrassed or ashamed of. I am doing my best to not let me fears control me and it seems you are doing the same. Good on ya.

Great article – it's really awesome how you took that "life lesson" and applied it to other things.

I realized this thing you learned myself too and have since thought that the best way to touch someone is to enjoy touching them – the more you enjoy it, the more they will.

There's so many things jumping around in our heads(above the shoulder heads that is) at any given time and the topic of sex in our brains just has all these distracting thoughts and worries – these thoughts that they can pull us away from the moment, so we're no longer enjoying the moment.

But when someone is really enjoying touching you, feeling that enthusiasm from them can pull you back into the moment. When they are going crazy loving on you – you can't help but enjoy the moment and let go of the distracting thoughts.

I think you would enjoy learning more about Tantra – it's about more than most people think – it's not even just about sex – but sex is like the icing on the cake. It's all about living in the moment. Your wasband and you really got yourselves painted into a corner with him _trying_ to orgasm. When you are worried about not being able to orgasm – guess what happens. I've been there and it's impossible for me once I start worrying like that.

But Tantra is all about letting go of distracting thoughts and just enjoying the moment – becoming less goal-oriented and allowing yourself to be led by your heart and not your wiry, anxious, distracting brain. I kinda feel like I'm preaching telling you about this but I just really related strongly to what you wrote and when I discovered this philosophy it fit in well with what I learned about enjoying touching someone.

I'm not sure many men want 2 hour blowjobs. If the head ain't getting it done (sometimes the idea of completion in a place we put near our mouths will keep us from finishing) it's just a sign that it's time for something else.

This is also a reason while we should all have premarital sex. Learn these things about your partner BEFORE you commit to them. I wonder how long it takes him NOW…. 🙂

I completely disagree with you. I think creating space to learn/work on something with your partner, whatever it may be is beautiful and neccessary. It shows dedication and that the relationship is valuable and worthy.

As someone with a strong gag reflex, I understand that giving head might not be everyones favorite thing–it's not mine. Putting in the work is selfless, honorable and applause worthy.

Your statement that one should have sex before you get married to know your partner has a hard time having an ejaculation is ridiculous and lacks empathy. It likely has more to do with his ability and bits than the connection–and maybe sarah makes his soul ejaculate, who are you, or I, to know?

I can relate to thIs situation.I’m a 54 year old man who married At the age of 17 just a young dumb kid who knew nothing about sex.Don’t get me wrong, I knew how to get mine.This of course did not go over well with my wife and rightly so it just wasn’t fair.I decided that since I was in this for the long haul it would be nice if I learned a few things for her. I realized that if I was to give her oral sex and make sure that she was satisfied first.

My quick finish so to speak would not be considered a crime. If I happen to be able to hang in there a second go around for her. Well that was just a bonus and I was the man. I read lots of articles by the experts (mostly in Penthouse) and I too practiced a lot.I read a manual on the female anatomy and how the vagina works. I also became fascinated with the G spot and learned very quickly where it was and what to do with it. Needless to say I had no more problems in the bedroom.My marriage ended after 25 years because of an injury I incurred on the job and 30 surgical procedures that followed. she ran off with & ended up marrying my best friend since 5th grade, and the best man at my wedding. I have no respect at all for her, and would not piss on him if he were on fire! However, there are two things in my life that I will never regret, one is my children I have 3 sons 36, 34 & 29. The other is my self-taught education of pleasing my female partner orally. the only drawback to this whole thing is that when I do what I do as good as I do. I have trouble when a relationship needs ending. I find myself being pursued by a starry eyed female. Sometimes to the extent of stalking. I guess I could think of a lot worse things to have happen. L O L Thank you so much for the chance to respond.

I would say it’s one of my greatest joys of having sex I love to give to someone the same way they would love to give to me but it’s not really about give-and-take it’s just something I love to give so maybe not for everyone one of my greatest turn on’s ever is doing this for my man

Aeron HartMay 6, 2017 10:00pm

This woman seems like a nut job. Loving blowjobs helped her whole life? Pretty bizarre article. I get the idea about learning how to choose to love things, but that's quite a thematic leap right there.

Mark LaPortaMay 6, 2017 4:20am

Minor point of syntax: "Fuck" is not "eloquent." in fact it's the opposite.
The rest is OK, in fact, not bad at all, for someone so self-absorbed.

Gary UncapherFeb 12, 2017 12:06am

Said no woman, ever.

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Sara Young is a writer, artist, cyclist, amateur yogi, and avid poetry appreciator.

Originally from Chicago, Illinois, Sara is presently undertaking a project which she hopes will turn the tide and inspire people to love, accept, and show compassion for themselves and each other. She is traveling the US handing out love stickers and telling people they are awesome, and when she can, talking to people about the importance of remembering that love unites everyone.

She is a Freedom Fighter, a Creative Adventurer, a bringer of light, and the owner of Eloquent as Fuck, a company whose mission it is to help people live boldly and confidently in their own skin, loving the ride as they go through their wild and wonderful lives. http://www.eloquentasfuck.com/

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