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Dear Cindy ~ My Friend Says Her Friend Likes Me

I spend a lot of time with my girlfriend, Sandy, and her husband, Joe. Joe has a friend, Tim, and it seems Sandy is trying to set us up. I am not sure how I feel about Tim and I am not sure if it is a good idea to be thinking of him in terms of the future. I can’t tell if I am attracted to him or not. He has been sort of unclear about his interest in me but my friend says I should give him a chance and that he told her he was attracted to me.

He has not asked me out on a date and has not singled me out with a phone call. He does some things that would indicate interest like emailing and texting me. And, he pays me very nice compliments. Should I be doing anything to make things happen? Or, should I tell him to stop texting me so that I don’t get my hopes up with him?

Thank you!

Unsure of What To Do

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Dear Unsure of What To Do,

As the female, I believe your job is to ‘do nothing.’ Ha. Easier said than done. It is very tempting to try to ‘help’ things along and make something happen when a guy is not taking the lead or acting on his feelings. But, it may help to keep in mind that you do not need to control this situation. Nor do you need to control this guy or tell him that he cannot text you anymore. Most of what needs to be done is to, and here comes the hard part, control yourself. Blah.

If Sandy asks if you are interested in him, just say the truth: ‘I don’t have enough information to know. If he asked me out on a date, I would go.’ Then, follow the three-date rule. If he does take you on a date, demonstrate your ability to be discreet by not sharing anything with Sandy. Only divulge your feelings to Tim if he asks you. Things can be rather tricky in this type of set up with friends-of-friends, so one way of maintaining your dignity if things do not work out is….discretion.

It is also interesting that Joe has elected to stay out of it. This indicates to me that he is not convinced of Tim’s strong interest at this point. In general, I believe that a guy will think long and hard about starting to date a friend-of-a-friend because of the potential for feelings to get hurt if things don’t work out. So, allow Tim to go through this process and do not push things one way or the other. Again, do nothing.

I see that you are not sure if you are attracted to him. This is not a problem for you to solve. You don’t need to ‘try’ to be attracted to him. Your attraction to him should be based on the information you obtain during the courting/dating process.

Also, you don’t need to figure out the end of the story. You don’t have enough information yet. It is Tim’s job to give you the information you need to consider him. This is done through the dating process. And, as of yet, as you said, he hasn’t done anything about it. Why? We may never know. It could be ‘The Veil‘ in that he sees something in you that he is attracted to but God is protecting you for whatever reason. It could be a timing thing and that God is doing a bunch of behind the scene work to prepare for the future.

But, none of this can be known at this point so you can only look at the information you have today: He texts you and emails you and pays you nice compliments. But, he has not initiated anything beyond a flirty friendship.

This is why I so sincerely believe in The Veil and why I encourage girls to let go of the calculating, controlling and figuring out. Only God knows the future and this is our biggest faith walk with Him.

Living a life of Chastity, you have something beautiful and holy to offer a man. Be steadfast in this belief about yourself. Make the guy work for your affections. The effort that a man exerts to obtain a girls affections confirms to him his level of interest in her. Allow a man to go through this important process.

What can you do? Smile that gorgeous smile of yours and free your mind of the calculating. I know you want to figure out if it is okay to put your affections toward Tim (I was quite a ‘calculator’ too) because you want to avoid looking foolish. But, wisdom says to evaluate things as they are, not what they could be, and recognize that, frustratingly so, you have very little information at this point.

“God is the author of Reality, so it follows that if we live according to what is real, what is true, instead of the ideas and plans and fantasies and illusions we have in our heads, we will be much happier.” The Evangelista

Here is what I recommend. Smile at him and look him in the eye. Beyond that, let him do the work of courtship. And, respond sweetly when he does. That is it.

I know it is difficult when you cannot see the future. I want to encourage you as I speak from way beyond the other side…..everything is going to be fine, my friend. God’s got this!

Dear Cindy,
Every time I visit this site, it find EXACTLY what I needed to hear. Thank you so much for this ministry to young women — it is so important and needed! I have especially liked your posts on emotional chastity, discretion, and patient, trusting waiting. Keep it coming!! Please pray for me!
God bless,
Amy