Having faith in myself.

7 replies

aries73

over 3 years ago

Two years ago, I was in a relationship and I broke it off with the guy because I was diagnosed with epilepsy. He avoided me afterwards for a year and fairly recently, he and I are talking again as friends. I want to be with him again but I am very worried that I might have seizure. He knows I broke up with him for that reason and he tells me that it's okay. I feel doubtful since he's never seen me have a seizure. How can I find the confidence/faith to be with him regardless of my health difficulties?

Expert Replies

editorNadia

over 3 years ago

That's a tough question, but he sounds like he's supportive and loving so trusting him may just be a leap of faith for you. If he says that he wants to be with you and support you, then try letting him in and let his response help you build that faith. It may help to educate him about epilepsy and talk to him about exactly how you'd like him to support you so he feels confident and comfortable with his ability to do that. There are some amazing organizations that educate, support, and advocate for people with epilepsy and their loved ones. I've actually worked with one for many years now that I would definitely recommend--it's called CURE (Citizens United for Research in Epilepsy, http://www.cureepilepsy.org) and they've built a wonderful nationwide community of incredibly supportive individuals, families and couples dealing with all the same issues that you mentioned here. Just remember: You deserve to be happy, fulfilled and unconditionally loved regardless of any health difficulties you might have. All the best to both of you.

David Sbarra, Ph.D.Relationship Expert

over 3 years ago

Dear aries73 - I'm replying as the YB.com "relationship expert" and as a
licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in working with couples.
First,
this sounds like a difficult and painful experience for you. I'm sorry the
last two years have been so tough. Let me sum-up my response with a
single word: Trust. You have to trust that this can work out well. You
have to trust that your friend (potential partner) is being honest when he
says, "It's OK." You have to trust yourself to know what's the correct and
good decision in this situation. And, most importantly, you have to trust
your ability to be OK if this doesn't work out in the end. You stated that
you broke up with him "... because I had epilepsy." The single most
important question you can ask yourself now is this: What's changed? Do
you trust he's changed and is ready to accept all of you? Is there real
evidence that he's willing to accept you and your condition? Is there
evidence that he's not? Also, how have YOU changed? Are you ready to share
this part of your life with another person? So many times in life we make
up reasons in our head to prevent feeling bad at some point in the future.
The problem with these types of thoughts is that they prevent us from
testing reality. Maybe the reality of the situation is that he'll see you
just as you are-- a complete person who happens to have a chronic medical
condition. Maybe he'll love you more if he can share that difficult part
of your life with you. Maybe he can help you manage your epilepsy in a way
you never even thought possible. Realizing these positive possibilities
requires that you trust what he's saying and approach the situation
optimistically. This takes courage, of course, but it's quite possible to
do, provided you don't have clear evidence that he can't handle strong
emotions/experiences in general. If there's a legitimate reason to think
he's going to crumble once he learns the ins-and-outs of your life with
epilepsy, then the pay-off might not be worth the risk. However, if your
concerns are mostly in your head ("what ifs..."), then the best thing you
can do is to give it a whirl and get some actual evidence on how he
handles everything. This is a very tough decision, I realize. Unless you
have clear reasons why it can't work, why not go for it? If you can find
the courage to trust that it can and will work out, no matter what
happens, I think you'll be on your way to a very positive outcome. I hope
these thoughts help. Please feel free to write back.

Tanyaluz

over 3 years ago

Hi Aries. If he doesn't care about your Epilepsy, by all means be with him!! I know he avoided you at first, but it was probably because he was scared. Men like to feel like they need to protect us. ;) I say this because I was diagnosed with Lupus and it scared my husband a little at first, but he loves me so much that he is willing to deal with the problems that come with it. Thank goodness I'm not too bad, but I don't put my life on hold because I have a disease. Life is too precious!

Marcias

over 3 years ago

It's up to him not you. I think it says something about you. I wouldn't leave someone I loved if they developed a disease z would you? Deal with your disease as best you can, he has already said it's ok. He's ready to take it on cuz he cares for you

kochj

over 3 years ago

If he says that he is OK with the fact that you have a seizure he means it. Guys are not very complicated. Figure out what your fear is about this situation. We women are terrified of not being able to maintain the in control, perfect exterior. When you seizure at that point you have no control. That can be scary, and I understand that it could be a potentially embarrassing moment for you. However, if he is a good friend then he will be understanding to your situation.

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