Nutrition Facts

The Food and Drug Administration for the first time in two decades will propose major changes to nutrition labels on food packages, putting calorie counts in large type and adjusting portion sizes to reflect how much Americans actually eat. —The Times, February 27, 2014

Girl Scout Cookies, Samoas, 7 ounces Serving size: Just one more cookie. Servings per container: Look, I’m really sorry, O.K.? I know they’re your favorite. I don’t know what happened. I promise I’ll get you some more when I go out later. Just chill out. Jesus.

Mountain Dew Code Red Soda, 2 litres Serving size: 1 shameless 45-second chug. Servings per game of Magic: The Gathering: 4 to 5. Power and toughness of a Kjeldoran knight: 1/1, but for two white mana it gets +0/+2 until end of turn.

Crystal Decanter Containing the Souls of the Unworthy, 25 fluid ounces Serving size: 2 to 3 souls. Calories per serving: 130* *Percent daily values are based on a 2,000-calorie diet. Your daily values may be higher or lower depending on your calorie needs and whether you are a powerful necro-demon who has temporarily assumed a human guise to feed on the life force of mortals.

Huge Wad of Nutella and Crushed Up Oreos in a Ziploc Bag, 18 ounces Serving size: 1 wad. Servings per container: About 1. Nuances of the epicurean experience that simply can’t be reduced to data on an F.D.A.-mandated sticker: Infinite. Minutes until you’re hungry again and try to lick out the inside of the Ziploc bag: 2.5.