The Best Damn Cupcakes Ever

Today, I’ve got a special treat for you. Well, I have a post about a special treat. You’ll have to actually make the treat yourself.

As you undoubtedly guessed by the title of this post, today I have a recipe for you–and not just any recipe; a cupcake recipe. And not just any cupcakes, either; cupcakes made with beer, and frosted with bourbon. No joke.

This recipe is the brainchild of none other than Matt Kittoe–longtime RFS reader, hilarious writer, RPG geek, and, as it turns out, quite the little baker.

And so, with that said, check out the recipe.

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Enter Kittoe

Imagine, if you will, a child of ten years old.

The boy spends a quite sizable amount of his time in seclusion. He sits alone in his room, which, aside from the glow emanating from his television screen on which his eyes are fixed, is shrouded in darkness. His pale hands clutch a Super Nintendo controller, which allows him to direct his party in pursuing Kefka, who has a hatred for existence itself.

He must be stopped.

The boy only breaks from his adventure to find sustenance in the form of delicious baked treats created by his mother, who was and continues to be the greatest chef in all the land.

This, of course, inevitably led to the boy growing up to be a fat fucking bastard.

As you have (hopefully) guessed, I was that boy. I spent a large portion of my life being physically inactive, choosing to hide out in my room and play Squaresoft games instead of pursuing more active endeavors like playing sports or throwing rocks at cats or whatever it was that normal kids did.

This being a recipe post, I probably shouldn’t get too into my journey from fat to not-so-fat, so to make a long story short, I was bitten by the fitness bug or hit by The Spark or whathaveyou, and now practice a lifestyle that is slightly more physique-friendly than devoting every day to playing WoW until 3:00 am and then taking a trip to McDonald’s for a few Victory Biscuits (which is the name I bestowed upon the poisonous deliciousness that is the sausage, egg and cheese biscuit).

However, still being a little fat kid at heart, I just can’t bring myself to give up those sweet treats that made me so happy as a child. There are of course those that regard such foods as a venom that is never to be consumed lest you immediately fall under The Curse of the Beetus (which can only be removed by praying at the nearest Shrine of the Abz Gods, obviously). I mean, if you can live with that, kudos to you, I guess.

As for me, I’m going to go ahead and not be a self-righteous prick who castigates anyone who eats cupcakes and Oreos. I’m the guy who will sit down and, assuming you’ll share, eat a row or two of those creamy bastards like a human wood chipper, ’cause that shit is delicious.

As long as it’s on a Saturday, of course.

Enter cheat days.

When I first learned of Cheat Days while reading one of Roman’s interviews on T-Nation, I thought he was completely full of shit. Like some magical hormone could possibly stop an entire day of pizza, cereal, pie and burgers from having any impact on body composition.

Right.

However, I couldn’t have been more wrong. I don’t actually keep count, but I’m guessing I regularly take in at least 7,000 calories once a week without any repercussions. And that, more than almost anything else in the world, is a beautiful thing.

Having one day a week where I can completely let go of any dietary restrictions is not only keeping me from going insane, it’s given me the chance to flex my creative culinary muscle as well.

And so, without further ado, I bring to you what is possibly my finest creation:

Chocolate Stout Cupcakes with Bourbon Buttercream

This should make about 24 cupcakes. It actually ended up being twice the amount that I thought it would, but that’s okay because this shit is delicious.

Whatchu gotta do:

1. Preheat oven to 350. Leave butter and eggs out to let the butter soften and the eggs reach room temperature. Leave them on top of the oven while it’s heating if you want this to happen faster. I didn’t do this, but I wish I had, so you should probably do it. Because I didn’t. But I wish I had.

2. While you’re waiting for that, go ahead and either spray/grease 2 muffin pans or line them with paper cups. I use paper cups, partly because I’m fancy, but mostly because one’s cupcake experience just isn’t complete if they don’t have to go through the torment of having to peel paper off of their cake before they eat it.

3. Now grab a bowl and stir together flour, cocoa powder, baking powder, baking soda and salt. Set it aside. I know it smells good, but don’t taste it. Trust me.

4. Using a mixer, beat the butter, eggs and sugar together. They probably won’t mix completely yet, but don’t worry about it. Turn mixer to low and stir in vanilla and the chocolate stout. Then mix in the flour mixture. Go slow at first and then gradually up the speed until that shit is thick and smooth.

5. If you’re not afraid of raw eggs, taste the batter. Your immediate thought will be, BY CROM! IT’S SO GOOD I WANT TO DIE. Use all of your might to refrain from eating all of the batter.

6. Put batter into pans, filling the cups about 3/4 full. I usually mess this part up and end up tipping the cups on their side as I’m filling them, but that’s okay, because that’s another excuse to eat more batter before trying again. Optimism.

7. Should take about 22 minutes. Periodically, check to see if a toothpick comes out clean.

When they’re done and you’ve (hopefully) taken them out of the oven, wait 10 minutes or so and take the cupcakes out of the pan to let them cool completely.

BEST FUCKING FROSTING EVER

(Bourbon Buttercream Frosting)

Whatcha need:

1 cup softened butter

4 cups powdered sugar

2 shots of bourbon (I used Evan Williams’ Honey Reserve, because that’s what I had. If you’re one of those folks that refuses to drink that swill and keeps something schmancier in the house, by all means, use that.)

Whatchu gotta do:

Beat that shit together until it’s smooth.

Act like a man and frost your goddamned cupcakes.

That’s pretty much it. Not the most complicated or sophisticated recipe in the world, but, as is often the case–simpler is better. Or, at least, more delicious.

Just think: a mere 45 minutes from now, you could be nomming on your very own cupcakes, getting a buzz from your very own bourbon frosting. Give these a shot on your next cheat day, and I promise, they’re gonna taste so good you’ll want to open your own goddamn bakery.

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Kittoe actually sent me this recipe sometime over the holidays. Since then, I’ve made the cupcakes twice. Both batches were awesome, but the second one was a bit better, as I was able to gauge consistency a bit better. And, I used a better bourbon.

Anyway, I’ve been intending to post this for some time now, but I’ve been wrapped up with other stuff. I decided to actually get it up on the blog this week, because as it happens, I’m planning to make the cupcakes this Sunday. So, I hope you’ll make them, too, and we can eat our cupcakes together.

It’s gonna be rad.

Once you make them, please post your thoughts below!

Or, if you have any other recipes involving bourbon, please feel free to share!