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Monday, July 19, 2010

How to tell The Hills is Scripted

Justin Bobby on a motorcycle, courtesy of MTV

It has come to my non-Harvard educated attention that The Hills continues to get stupid press time. I know this is shocking news to you as well.

The not so odd thing is, is that the interviews are all the same; reporters can't seem to think of new questions--I wonder why--other than inquiring the realism of the drama unfolding in each episode. So deep.

I suppose if reporters were to ask them about their thoughts on the BP oil spill, there might be a television interview on MTV that looks something like an emergency alert system followed with the implosion of your TV set.

As an annoyed reader of magazines and newspapers who is getting sick of seeing headlines like:"The Hills cast discusses whether their show is scripted," I would like to point out the obvious indicators that are indeed fake which should bury the question for good.

1. Real people on the show have fake names: Justin Brescia is Justin Bobby, Lauren Bosworth is Lo and Lauren Conrad is LC. See? Only scripted programs rename their actors with faux names to give into the fantasy of a scripted drama.

2. Does anyone and by anyone, I mean all you young folk who watch The Hills, TMZ and whatever other shows exploiting the youth of America, pay attention to the photographs Kristin Cavallari has been captured in for the past six months or so? Are any in Europe--the place she claimed she had to go find herself in because she was "no longer needed in California” anymore? Shall I continue?

4. No one in real life has a face that looks both like the lizard lady and Charo. The makeup department at MTV alone deserves an Emmy for Heidi Montag's portrayal of a saddened young girl distraught by her marriage, loss of family and friends as well as where she last saw her face.

5. There's no dialogue, only music transitions featuring Kesha, lady gaga and some weird band’s that I would have liked when I was fourteen and wearing too much eyeliner. Real life doesn't have music transitions.

6. When they are shooting at cafes, notice no one actually eats the food in front of them--probably because it's plastic or made of Styrofoam--because nothing in the film industry is real, hence, scripted.

7. Justin Bobby isn't a real person; he's an animated Ken Doll. Only plastic dolls made by Mattel are that good looking with such a limited vocabulary. I hear they teamed up with Pixar for his character.

8. All the actors are actually the folks from Jersey Shore. I know, right? They are that good. Do I hear Emmy?

9. Notice how camera angles are never on the person speaking? Exactly. When Kristen is talking shit on so and so, the camera will be on the other so and so, so you can't actually see Kristen talking about so and so. Confused? I'm not.

10. Lauren Conrad had to write the real version of The Hills in a book--a book based on stuff no one gave a crap about because it was too boring to air--in which she still changed the names (MTV was a bad influence) of the people involved. She was also the reason MTV decided to hire screenwriters for the show.

11. There are celebrity cameos: that also doesn't happen in real life unless your Snoop Dogg or Oprah.

Still not convinced? Watch The History Channel. That's not scripted. Then compare and contrast.

I only watched maybe 3 episodes of this show the entire it was on - so glad it's over so people can quit gushing over these "fake" celebrities.

My first and only clue I needed to know it was fake, 2 words - scripted drama.

Helloooooooo people! Doesn't the word "scripted" kinda make you think that maybe this stuff is just that, scripted? I mean they always called it a scripted drama, can't get any more obvious than that, IMO.

HA! you are so spot on. every. time. i can only imagine how uncomfortable real life must be for that cast. the hills was the only thing keeping them afloat (besides trust funds)...now what? education? probably not. another label? eh. who's going to buy it? and why? mtv sucks. it's a shame they promote this type of unrealistic mindset.

#3 made me laugh out loud at my desk. I'm sure people are now staring. Brody's excessive use of the word "BRO" might just be him overcompensating for the fact that he is not in fact a "bro" or that he is a "bro" that wears mascara (if its the latter, I want to know what he's using, so I can buy it)

#6 YES YES YES. I am glad that I am not the only one who has noticed that no one ever eats their food. EVER.

Also, have you ever noticed that no one ever looks like they are having fun even when they are at a club "having like so much fun!"?!