7/13/08

Sundays with Sylvia: Volume II

Out of all the things that could ruin your appearance, think of the worst thing. Angry boils all over your body? Or that freaky pigmentation thing Michael Jackson has going on? Or maybe instead of leaving it up to mother nature, you'd like to take a more active role in ruining your appearance, like this person:

I only said "person" because I wasn't sure if it was a guy or a girl. Anyway, all of these things are wrong.

In today's issue of Sundays with Sylvia, we're going to address the thing that can ruin your appearance most.

The Abdomen: It's nothing at all like Cowbell.

Interestingly, your abdomen can make you look like a bag. Let's get rid of it. First, Sylvia recommends a pretty decent exercise for toning your core muscles. You'll look pretty funny doing it, but it *does* work. I've seen it or variations of it in many workouts:

Then, in typical Sylvia fashion, she takes the fast train to crazy town:

Breaking down fatty tissues by having someone yank on you for five minutes? Call me crazy, but I am pretty sure this would be more of a workout for the yank-er than the yank-ee.

And remember, always stay relaxed. Otherwise, all bets are off. And of course, then we have the turkish towels and the slapping. I like how she gives you the option of doing it yourself if your helper is unable or unwilling to assist, like if your helper suddenly decided you were batshit crazy and she wasn't going to stick around to slap you anymore.

Throughout the book, she goes off on the weirdest tangents. For instance, right in the middle of this abdomen workout, she starts talking about anemia. By the way, if anyone out there is anemic, she advocates eating lots of liver, and boiling radish greens and spinach and drinking the juice. And if you happen to anemic and also fat, you can do this workout:

I am guessing that Sylvia would not like emo/goth kids at all, and I am pretty sure Marilyn Manson would give her a coronary. Also, most anemic people are crabby assholes.

She goes on to share her vast medical knowledge about anemia and how to best get the circulation going in your spine:

In fact, Friday night I was slapping my wife's spine and got a little carried away and started using a flat hand by mistake. However, after I held her down and scrubbed her raw with the towel, she did grudgingly admit she felt alive, almost sensationally so. I think she's still a little pissed though, because she's had a headache and a cough for the last two days.

And lastly, don't forget to wear proper footwear when you workout. Ankle support is very important:

Next time, maybe we'll talk about how to make your boobs bigger, and fix those bow-legs of yours.

------------------------------------------If you liked this post, vote for it on humor-blogs where you might find another funny blog to read.

Boy! Sylvia sure does have me pegged. Pasty white, with a flabby figure, and a nasty disposition.

Gee, all this time I thought those were attractive qualities. Silly me.

And all that poor circulation? That would be my three-heart-attack-scarred heart that isn't able to efficiently pump anymore, but damn skippy if I couldn't whoop anyone's ass at arm wrestling! I bet I could even get my blood racing by going a few rounds with Sylvia herself...ya know...if she weren't dead and all, already.

Also, last time I checked, having a helper get my toes above my head usually gets my blood going anyway. This chick is absolutely the conductor of the crazy train...she also seems to be weirdly obsessed with Turkish towels. I can think of so many other things that make me feel alive...like say...oh I dunno...breathing maybe?

The pierced carney dude looks like he has a couple of hamburger (bagel sandwiche?) tats on his noggin. Anyone else see it that way or is it just getting close to lunch time?

Actually, come to think of it, I might just skip lunch. Not only have I lost my appetite, but it'll cut down on all the spanking I'd need later. Those professional spankers are damned expensive, I've come to find out. Also, the nice lady I found on Craig's List was a little unprofessional. Not only was she rather rude and brusque (it seemed odd to refer to a paying customer as a "nasty little chicken head"), but she brought not a single turkish towel.

That person at the top is female - I conclude this based on the opinion that there are too many piercings in the area that most men shave, and too little stubble. Also, the eyes look more like a woman's than a man's ... though you certainly have to make an attempt to see them. As for Sylvia, she is probably female, but whether she's human is up for debate. Anyone who, per your original post, thinks we can just yank off lumps of fat is clearly not from the same race as the rest of us ... if we could do that, obesity would be cured!

I was going to ask WTF a Turkish towel was, but the thoughtful commenters at 15 Minute Lunch have once again provided the answer to one of life's little mysteries. As to how is having someone else hold your legs over your head invigorating... all I can say is 'only if they're doin' it right!' It sounds like all kinds of fun to me ;)

My grandma was anemic while she was preggers with my mom. Her dr. told her to eat strips of raw liver. Unfortunately, grandma was batshit crazy too. So rolling around in bet with a partner will make your abdomen to away? That's funny; there were two times I did that and my abdomen got freakishly large for about, oh...nine months.

That first pic is a woman, she currently holds the Guinness world record for most body piercings. Also: my secret word is 'yqgarkp' which is exactly what I would say if my toes were put over my head.