Posts Tagged ‘Greg Hardy’

D.T.: Three weeks left to go, and teams are dropping faster than people in Tom Coughlin’s high school yearbook.

“Actually, I’m the last surviving alum for the past 20 years.”

Each division in the AFC has dropped dead weight, with the North down to 50% of teams still in the hunt. The NFC has fared better, with tight races still taking place in multiple divisions. Unless you’re a fan of the Chargers, Titans, Browns, Ravens, Dolphins, Lions or Niners, we’re coming down to some truly important games. Let’s get into it!

BMK: After a few weeks of garbage games, we’re finally getting some meaningful games. I feel like Hawkeye in MASH, in the Adam’s Ribs episode, standing on top of the heater in the mess tent, refusing to “eat this dreck” anymore, and chanting “We want something else!” Now we’re getting something else.

One of the best episodes ever…and now I want ribs.

From the NFL at least. 4th and Krol is still giving you cheap shots, bad puns, and obscure pop culture references.

And Ms. Dennings, of course…

One of the best pictures of Kat Dennings ever…

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BUCCANEERS at RAMS

D.T.: Last week, the Bucs fell victim to a desperate attempt by the Saints to stay in the running, while the Rams added insult to a very injured Lions squad, already eliminated from the playoffs. It’s pretty much a foregone conclusion that the Rams won’t make the post-season, but the Bucs still have a slight chance, being tied for second in the NFC South. I think Winston and his squad come out swinging, and put the (soon to be formerly) St. Louis Rams down for good.

BUCS
BMK: The Rams don’t get put down. The Rams put YOU down. There’s no way the Bucccanneers win this game. Not with 8-8 in the Ram’s sight!

Yeah, this trade worked out like gangbusters…

RAMS

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JETS at COWBOYS

D.T.: The Cowboys are finished. There’s a three-way tie for first between losing teams in the NFC East, and the Cowboys aren’t even in the conversation anymore. The Jets, however, are still nipping at the heels of a wounded Patriots team, and a win against Dallas this week will help to try and close the gap.

Can’t wait for a looooong off-season of everyone talking about this fuckface.

JETS
BMK: Watching the Cowboys without Romo is like watching a beloved character in a Joss Whedon movie. We all know he/she is going to die so we’re just waiting for the inevitable. The Cowboys are done, have been done, and now we’re just waiting for the 3rd act, so they can get killed and we can go on to the exciting conclusion.

Alan Tudyk thinks I made a great point here…

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PANTHERS at GIANTS

D.T.: The Dolphins made Eli Manning look like the greatest quarterback in the league on Monday night, failing on every level to contain the QB on his monstrous march over their defense.

“First time ever being called ‘monstrous’ – alright!”

Even the layman knows that if you pressure Eli, he’s prone to mistakes. Even so, the ‘Fins only pressured twice, and let Eli have his way. But that Panthers defense… that’s going to make for a very different narrative. Expect Eli to take some heavy hits, make some magic happen with ODB, but ultimately lose at home to a Panthers team en fuego.

PANTHERS

BMK: A couple of experts that I usually trust are picking the Giants this week. Typically, I go all Gandalf on them, yelling, “Pete Prisco – STAY THIS MADNESS!” But fuck it. I’m picking the Giants this week.

SIC SEMPER TYRANIS, DT!

Eli aint even buying this pick…

GIANTS

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TITANS at PATRIOTS

D.T.: Fuck off.

PATRIOTS

BMK: I wanted to write a full break down of this game, just to troll DT a bit. But then I realized (as I often do) that DT’s approach was the correct one.

PATRIOTS

“I’ve killed THIS many Asian hookers today…”

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BILLS at REDSKINS

D.T.: It’s funny that the Redskins have something to play for this Sunday. I’m going to be a total dick and pick the Bills, because (and I know my partner agrees) that head office does not need any sort of validation by making the post-season. ‘Skins fans would love to see their team go into the playoffs, no doubt, but the cost of doing so would mean sticking with that same coaching staff and general manager. It’d be better for everyone to wash the season and let the firings begin.

BMK: The NFC East still has a three-way tie for first. As much as I’d love that logjam to continue till the end, someone is going to stumble away from the pack. I hope it’s not the Redskins though. As DT alluded to above, there’s no reason to encourage Dan Synder. He’s loathsome.

I’m picking the Bills. More for hope than anything else. There has to be justice in the world. There just has to be!

BILLS

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CHIEFS at RAVENS

The Chiefs really want a shot at the wildcard, though it may not have been evident in their sleepy game against San Diego last week. They are right in the running with the Broncos, who showed just how vulnerable they’ve become with a loss to the Raiders. They’ve got a hell of a lot more to play for than the Ravens do, and that makes them dangerous. I see the Chiefs taking a narrow win this week.

CHIEFS

BMK: The jury might still be out on whether or not Joe Flacco is elite (spoiler alert: he aint), but whatever sad sack the Ravens just signed off the street certainly isn’t elite, and without a decent QB, there is no way the Ravens will win this game. Or any other games, for that matter.

CHIEFS

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TEXANS at COLTS

D.T.: The second I told Krol last week that Brian Hoyer looked really good, the Texans immediately stopped scoring points and began to shit the bed. But holy fuck – against an Indy squad that gave up 51 points to the motherfucking Jaguars, Christmas is coming early for Houston as they step over their divisional rivals and walk into first place in the AFC South.

“Something funny about Santa and sacks, bros!”

TEXANS
BMK: As inept as the Texans are offensively, the Colts are even worse. How, I don’t know.

TEXANS
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FALCONS at JAGUARS

D.T.: Falcons gonna Falcons. Shut outs in the NFL are surprisingly rare, but Atlanta made it look like an every day occurrence for Carolina, who had no problems at all keeping them out of the endzone and scoring 38 points themselves. Fuck it, I’m calling this my upset of the week, and predicting we see the Jags win two in a row and beat a truly humbled and downtrodden Atlanta.

JAGUARS

BMK: As a long-time Cardinals fan, I always root for horrible franchises to get their acts together and actually put a winning product on the field. Except for the Rams, since the Rams are in St. Louis and owned by a complete douche.

Anyway, the Jaguars had a great game last week, and odds are good this week that they’ll have another good game against a reeling Falcons squad. Which makes me happy, since Arthur Blank owns Home Depot as well as the Falcons, and Home Depot sucks butt.

This came up when I Googled “Home Depot Sucks.” I like it. It adds a bit of class.

JAGUARS

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BEARS at VIKINGS

D.T.: Doesn’t really matter, does it? At this point, the Bears’ only hope is winning the next three games and tying the Vikings, but with tie-breakers and outside forces influencing teams’ ability to make the playoffs, the Bears are done. The Vikings will finish them off.

VIKINGS

BMK: This is probably the cutest match-up of the whole week. Seriously? Bears AND Vikings playing with each other? That makes my black heart grow three sizes.

The Vikings will win. Mostly because they’ll have swords.

I had dreams like this during puberty.

VIKINGS

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PACKERS at RAIDERS

D.T.: Last week’s game between Oakland and Denver was a bit of a head-scratcher. Denver’s offensive line, which isn’t great but not terribly awful either, allowed Khalil Mack alone five sacks on Brock Osweiler. Denver’s failure at nearly every level led to small quarterback controversy, but more on that later. The Packers have also become inconsistent and hard to predict in the second half of this season, and that makes them vulnerable to a team like Oakland that has a lot of good pieces in place, but not the connective tissue just yet to make it all work. We’ve seen some impressive displays from Oakland, and some reminiscent of recent seasons gone by.

Here’s Darnell Dockett with a friendly reminder of such things.

This’ll be an interesting match-up, seeing how Oakland’s defense handles Aaron Rodgers, and how their own offense takes on that middling Green Bay defense. In the end, I give it to the Packers, but I think we’re in for a fun game here.

PACKERS

BMK: What you just read above, gentle reader, is the awful taste of sour grapes. I was there when DT saw his Broncos get handled by the Raiders, and it was not a fun sight.

Anyway, this may end up being the last home game for the Raiders in Oakland. For that reason, I think I’m going with Oakland this week. It feels like Green Bay is running out of gas.

RAIDERS

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BROWNS at SEAHAWKS

D.T.: Meh. I’d love to see Cleveland get a crazy, unlikely win here, even if it means a feather in Manziel’s booze and shame-drenched cap. But that shit ain’t happening.

SEAHAWKS

BMK: This won’t even be close. And then we’ll have to endure another week of Hot Takers extoling Russell Wilson’s virtues at QB, ignoring the fact that he’s been playing shitty teams with shitty secondaries.

SEAHAWKS

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BENGALS at NINERS

D.T.: Poor Cincinnati… coming into the first half of the season undefeated, looking like real contenders up to this point, and Andy Dalton busts the thumb on his throwing hand. Now he won’t even get a chance to lose that game in the first round of the tournament, and Bengals fans will be left wondering what could have been.

He’d cry, if he had a soul… but, y’know, that whole unfortunately thing with Gingers.

And we have no idea what to expect with AJ McCarron – coming into his first start against a soft opponent, but in a high-stakes situation is going to be nerve-wracking. The kid showed grace under pressure in Alabama… but this ain’t college ball. I think we might see another crazy upset here, and the late and tragic downfall of the Bengals, starting with an embarrassing win in Santa Clara.

NINERS

BMK: The Ginger of Doom is done for the year. And so are the Bengals.

NINERS

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DOLPHINS at CHARGERS

Once teams get eliminated from the post-season, they should just be given the remaining weeks off, so we don’t have to suffer through shit like this.

Cha…Dol… fuck, I can’t decide. I’ll go with whatever Krol picks, and we’ll call this one a wash.

BMK: So DT fobbed this one off on me, huh? Fine.

CHICAGO BULLS

“Crap. Now I have to suffer a season ending injury in another sport!”

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BRONCOS at STEELERS

D.T.: As a Broncos fan and an enthusiastic disliker of all things Steelers, this shit is going to be difficult to watch. Denver’s offensive line forgot how to offensive line, and fans were calling for Peyton Manning – who’s back on his feet and taking snaps with the practice squad this week – to return and take his place under center.

“I have to play with the practice squad? With the kid who wears his helmet backwards, and the other guy who thinks my name is Papa John?”

Neither quarterback choice honestly inspires much confidence against the Steelers, who are very hungry to a shot at #1 in their division, with Dalton out of the picture. It’s up the Broncos defense to try and keep the team in the game.

Ugh… STEELERS

BMK: This is a hard game to pick. Both teams have very good components and glaring weaknesses. I think the Bronco’s secondary is better than the Steelers, but the Steelers very clearly have a superior QB.

I’m going with the Steelers. There’s no way a team that lost to the Raiders can beat the Steelers this week, is there, DT?

STEELERs

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CARDINALS at EAGLES

D.T.: What seems like an easy game to call on the surface, things are actually always explosive when these two Bird Teams get together. And give the Eagles desperation to break that three tie in the NFC East, and the Cardinals to do one better than their secured playoff berth and land a first round bye and home field advantage, the feathers are going to fly in Philly.

And likely the Gatorade, too.

Shit’s gonna get rough, and we can expect to see just as much yellow on that field as red and green. Still, the Cardinals sport the far superior offense, and their defense (when they’re actually fucking awake) is more than capable of containing that hit and miss Eagles offense. I give it to the Cardinals.

CARDINALS

BMK: The Cardinals are starting this maddening trend of playing down to their competition. I expect that to continue this week. Despite being the better team, the Eagles will keep it close. Sam Bradford is not good enough to beat the AZ defense, but that won’t stop him from getting some good plays in.

CARDINALS

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LIONS at SAINTS

D.T.: The poor bastards on both these teams deserve a break. But sadly, only one will feel the sting on their season lessened with a win on Monday night. As the world looks for something more interesting to watch, I see the Saints getting a win this week because it’s draft pick time for Detroit. That team has a lot to think about this off-season, and fresh off an early elimination from the post-season is as good a time as any to start. Show up, make it look like something of an effort, and eat the next three losses.

SAINTS

BMK: Forget it.

SAINTS

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D.T.: Some of these games are still exciting, but we’re reaching the close of a season that had many a foregone conclusion right around the halfway mark. It’s been a season with many high points, but one with a very clear line between the haves and have-nots. Now, we see the teams who made their claims to the post-season very early on fight for byes and rights to home field advantage.

Anyway, here’s wishing you a very Merry Christmas, dear readers. May all of your holiday dreams come true (unless you’re a Browns or Lions fan… in which case, may you at least get some bitchin’ presents or something).

BMK: Who else is ready for the post-season? As always, thanks for reading. The podcast will return once we figure out hosting issues.

D.T.: It’s Thanksgiving, and this week two things happen: gorging yourself on food and drink while watching peak-conditioned athletes perform at a world-class level, and also… no teams on bye, which means a hell of a lot of games to talk about. Or make snide jokes about before quickly moving on.

BMK: It’s the Saturday after Thanksgiving, so I’m option to take cheap shots and move on. Honestly, did you expect anything else?

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EAGLES at LIONS

D.T.: Everyone involved with both these teams are pretty unhappy. The Philadelphia press is pulling no punches asking Chip Kelly if he has any fucking idea what he’s doing. The Lions fired everyone. Both of these teams come into this Thanksgiving match-up with fuck all to be thankful for… aside from the millions of dollars, loyal fans and women throwing themselves at them.

“Wait… I thought we were supposed to throw the women.”

Sam Bradford should come back, and that Detroit defense is a joke. The Eagles should get a decent win. And I feel bad about that pretty terrible Greg Hardy joke, so for the rest of this column, I’m going to simultaneously show my appreciation and respect for women, and also express what I’m thankful for in this special holiday week: I’m posting nothing but photos of cheerleaders from my winning teams this week.

Charnei from Philly, I’m thankful for you.

EAGLES
BMK: Since I already admitted that I’m writing this on Saturday, I’ll just go ahead and admit I was planning on taking Philadelphia. This was obviously a mistake, as the Eagles lost to Detroit 1350 – 3.

I never, ever bought into the Eagles. During the pre-season, we were inundated with nonsense about Chip Kelly and his vaunted “system.” We’ll, we’re seeing the results of that system. In college, you can win with a system, but in the pros, you need talent. Especially at QB. The Eagles got rid of some of their most talented players and traded for Sam Bradford (though, to be fair, Foles aint exactly setting the world on fire in St. Louis). This team is a mess from the top down.

Rather than objectify women, I’m going to post a cute picture of a dog wearing a jersey. Unless I can find a good picture of Kat Dennings.

EAGLES
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PANTHERS at COWBOYS

D.T. The Return of Romo brought with it a win last week, and an end to the Cowboys’ seven game losing streak. Even so, it was against Miami and that doesn’t command much confidence. The Panthers are on fucking fire, and that defense will knock around a Dallas offense that’s still shaking off the dust. I predict a Panthers win, and at least one Romo re-injury scare.

Kloi from Carolina, I’m thankful for you.

PANTHERS

BMK: More post-mortems. I was going to pick the Cowboys here. I assumed that, with Romo back, and the NFC Least still wide open, that the Cowboys would show some backbone and try to win. Like the Eagles, I’m not entirely sold on the now 10-0 Panthers. Their schedule aint exactly a murderer’s row. So I figured they could lose here.

This dude’s adorable…

Nope. Jerry Jones fucked me again. And Cam Newton, one of the worst dressers since Uncle Leo in Seinfeld, is now at the top of the NFC. Awesome.

In lieu of a funny Uncle Leo picture, here’s this…

COWBOYS

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BEARS at PACKERS

D.T.: It finally came out that Aaron Rodgers has been playing hurt. I don’t know if that accounts fully for that three game Green Bay losing streak, but it’s a good place to start. And getting a nice 30-13 win against the Vikings last week was a good place to start for a recovery. The top Turkey Day game this year will result in a Packers in at home, and Cheesus and Feast Mode feasting on Turkey on the 50 yard line.

The Packers don’t have cheerleaders, so here’s Kloi again. I’m very thankful for her.

PACKERS

BMK: This. This one hurt. I felt sure that the Packers would beat Chicago.

To paraphrase Jack Burton, can someone, I don’t care who, tell me what the hell is happening in Green Bay? Seriously. This team is falling apart faster than that 3rd act of Batman Begins.

Man when things fall apart, that centre sure don’t hold very long.

PACKERS
By the way, if you’re keeping score at home, I just referenced Big Trouble in Little China, Devin Faraci’s infamous Batman review, and William Butler Yeats. I feel like Dennis Miller in his prime. When he was funny and not a right-wing douchebag.

Who needs cheerleaders? This little guy will raise your spirits!

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SAINTS at TEXANS

D.T.: Who the FUCK knows what’ll happen here. There’s simply no predicting what will happen in any given Saints game. What I thought was a no-brainer in week 10 ended up being a blood bath, and the Texans are pretty decent at home this year. They’re also looking for a spot in the post-season, and a win against a completely fucked New Orleans team will give them that much more momentum.

BMK: Yeah, this is a hard one to call. Neither team is setting the world on fire, though JJ Watt is close, since some men just want to watch the world burn and he’s one of them. Drew Brees is obviously a better QB that whatever future practice squader that the Texans are going to throw in the lineup.

I’m going to go with the Texans. Brees is still capable of playing at a high-level, but the Texans front-seven is very impressive and should harass him all day. Brees will make it clear to JJ Watt that his attention is not welcome but Watt don’t give a fuck.

Of COURSE I went for the pug.

TEXANS

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RAMS at BENGALS

D.T.: The Bengals lost to the Cardinals, but played very well against an Arizona squad that’s hit its true stride on both sides of the ball. As for St. Louis, well, who the fuck would have thought that starting Case Keenum as your quarterback would have been a step back from Nick Foles? He might even the start AGAIN if he clears concussion protocol. The Rams looked to be upsetters in the NFC West this season, but now the only ones upset are the four or five remaining Rams fans.

Bengals will recover from their two game losing streak with a nice win here.

Rachael from Cincinnati, I’m thankful for you!

BENGALS

BMK: Keenum aint playing and the Rams aint winning. The Ginger of Doom will have a nice game, and then go home and settle in with his wife to watch Bum Fight videos.

Seriously…this dude looks like Dexter.

BENGALS

Dalton might be a secret serial killer, but this dog is cute!

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VIKINGS at FALCONS

D.T.: The NFC South should really just hang it up. It’s the year of the Panther, and none of the other three teams can put up any sort of contest against them. And the Falcons might get a few scores in this week, but expect the Vikings to take the win.

Nao from Minnesota, I’m thankful for you!

VIKINGS

BMK: The Falcons came on strong and just sputtered out. Like a Bro on the Jersey Shore who drank too much Hypnotiq and couldn’t maintain his erection.

Remember this clown?

The Vikings will take care of business this week. Considering how Green Bay is playing, I’m sure the Vikings are going to take that division.

VIKINGS

I’m fierce! Like Bridgewater!

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GIANTS at REDSKINS

D.T.: Even with Victor Cruz out, the Giants managed to very nearly knock off the Patriots’ perfect season. That in and of itself tells me they’ve got it in them to put the Redskins right back where they belong in the NFL social standings. Seriously, two high profile wins, and suddenly the Redskins think they’re the World Fucking Champions. When you guys get a field that people can walk on without signing a waiver, when you start selling beer that doesn’t have Super Bowl logos of yester-years, and when you’re more than one game ahead of a rival that just lost seven games in a ROW, then we’ll take you seriously.

The Giants don’t have cheerleaders either, so here’s Kloi again. Did I mention how thankful I am?

GIANTS

BMK: Who gives a shit?

This guy is much cooler than you.

GIANTS

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BUCCANEERS at COLTS

D.T.: Kind of an interesting match-up, here. But not really. Andrew Luck has improved since Pep Hamilton was fired, but that Colts defense isn’t much competition for the weapons Tampa has at the ready. If they could put them to use in any sort of consistent fashion, they’d be a dangerous team.

Brooke from Tampa Bay, I am thankful for you!

BUCCANEERS

BMK: This could be an interesting game if Andrew Luck were playing. But Father Time Matt Hassleback is playing.

Actually, Brooke is super cute.

BUCCANEERS

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BILLS at CHIEFS

D.T.: Don’t let that close loss against the Patriots on Monday night fool you: this Bills team is still a joke, and the Chiefs are poised to make a comeback in the AFC West with Peyton Manning officially out of the picture. They’ll knock off the Bills this week in their first step towards that goal.

Nicole from Kansas City, I am thankful for you!

CHIEFS

BMK: I was going to dispute DT’s claim that the Chiefs are going to make a play for the AFC West, but then I realized that the other teams in that division are garbage. So it’s possible Andy Reid and his molester-stache will take the division from the Broncos. But then again, it’s also possible that I’d get this column published before the Thursday night game.

CHIEFS

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RAIDERS at TITANS

D.T.: Fuck it, who cares. Raiders.

Amanda from Oakland, I am thankful for you!

RAIDERS

BMK: Who cares? Well, we all know who cares…

He cares.

RAIDERS

This guy, however, does NOT care.

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CHARGERS at JAGUARS

D.T.: Look, no one is going to read this part of the column except for the one Jags fan on the Chud forum. So for that, I’ll pick the Jaguars (in all honesty, I think they’ll win) and we’ll get right to the cheerleader.

Taylor from Jacksonville, I’m thankful for YOU!

JAGUARS

BMK: I’m not even sure he’ll read this, DT. I know I wouldn’t if I were him. Anyway, there’s no way the Chargers win this week. Incidentally, Rivers is four kids short of having an entire side of a football team. LET’S GET GOING PHIL!

I feel so bad for this dog.

JAGUARS

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DOLPHINS at JETS

D.T.: I’ll say one thing for the assholes behind the NFL schedule: They sure made this week easy, for Thanksgiving.

Emma from New York, I am thankful for you!

JETS

BMK: I’ve been burned taking the Jets this year, so I’m picking the Dolphins out of spite. Which is really irritating because a) I hate Florida, b) Dantallica irritates me, and c) I actually sort of like the Jets. But I can’t let feelings come into play when I’m picking teams. I use science and geometric logic. DT, on the other hand, uses goat intestines and advice from the deranged.

Which is why he’s winning.

Double your fun!

DOLPHINS
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CARDINALS at NINERS

D.T.: The Arizona Cardinals are celebrating their second bye week this season by scouting out where they’ll be staying for Super Bowl 50. With Patrick Peterson cleared for play, Blaine (I held a press conference and no one came) Gabbert doesn’t stand a chance. And since I don’t believe in trap games, it’s easy to call this a quick win for Arizona.

Rachael from Arizona, I’m VERY thankful for you!

CARDINALS

BMK: Unlike my partner behind the Saguaro Curtain, I do believe in trap games, and I think this game could be one.

First of all, the Cardinals are without a few key players on the defensive side of things, including Safety Deone Buchannan, which will really affect their run defense. Also, the Cardinals tend to get the yips against certain teams, and the 49ers are one of those teams. Of course, on the other hand, they’re playing against the QB that was so shitty get got let go from the Jaguars. You know who I’m talking about, right…

Yep…Blaine Gabbert.

Anyway, I hope BA has his team focused and ready. They’re in contention for a first round bye, something that has never happened in the very long history of this franchise.

CARDINALS

Draw me like your French girls…

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STEELERS at SEAHAWKS

D.T.: Perhaps the one interesting game this week. Both have struggled to maintain some sort of identity, and with Roethlisberger back under center, the Steelers are once again a team to fear. However, that Seattle defense is still dangerous – especially when the offense can’t hear themselves think under that CenturyLink crowd. The absence of Marshawn Lynch in Seattle’s backfield won’t be as big a factor as many would believe, as rookie Thomas Rawls has been filling that void nicely. I expect a shoot out, and Pittsburgh’s defense will be the deciding factor here. Still, I give Seattle a win at home. Mostly because one of their cheerleaders is my favorite in the entire league.

Zoe from Seattle, I’m… I just… damn, girl.

SEATTLE

BMK: Again, I concur with DT. This is the most intriguing matchup this week. Seattle’s typical dominance at home is under some serious fire this year, and the Steelers have an excellent passing attack. Normally I’d go with the home team, but I’m taking the Steelers here in an upset. Big Ben is a better QB than Wilson, and while the Steelers D isn’t what it used to be, there’s still enough firepower to harass Wilson and get him to make bad decisions. Of course, since I sort of hate the Seahawks, this could all be wishful thinking, but we’ll see…

I can never hate on a dog, especially a pug. However, Stewie’s people need to get with it…

STEELERS

———-

PATRIOTS at BRONCOS

D.T.: Sadly, we’ve been denied what might have been the final Manning/Brady rematch. And honestly, at this point, it wouldn’t have been much of a competition. Brock “Pockalypse” Osweiler showed competence in both his showings against Kansas City and Chicago, but we’re talking about the big leagues, now. A Patriots/Broncos game is going to put him to the test and while I don’t think he’ll flounder, I think the Patriots will take full advantage of the situation, and continue their ill-begotten undefeated streak.

Kristen from New England, I am thankful for you!

PATRIOTS

BMK: This is my second most intriguing match of the week. Like DT, I’m not entirely sold on the Patriots. Their schedule doesn’t feature a lot of impressive teams so I think they’re coasting on the mystique of the Belichick/Brady partnership a bit. That said, 10-0 is 10-0.

But I’m a believer in Denver’s offense, and they’re at home this week. Obviously, Brady is better than Osweiler, but Brady needs someone to throw the ball to. Injuries are piling up for New England and at some point, that will catch up to the Patriots. I mean, it just has to. Right?

Right?

Finally getting along…

BRONCOS

Incidentally, I went to law school with a former Patriots cheerleader. I have no idea what she’s doing now, but she was a very popular Torts TA.

That’s teaching assistant, you pervs.

———-

RAVENS at BROWNS

D.T.: Well, the Johnny Football saga may have come to an end in Cleveland. He was asked to take it easy and keep quiet during the bye week and little Johnny – fresh out of rehab – went straight to the nearest party and grabbed a bottle of champagne. No one’s surprised, and I don’t think anyone really cares anymore. Except for Josh McCown, who will be getting the start against Baltimore this week. If he can keep from getting injured, he’ll have an okay day against that Ravens defense. I don’t know if it’s really fair to call this an upset, but I think the Browns have a legitimate shot at tying the Ravens at 3rd in the division. But really, this is anyone’s game.

Week Five: So ALIVE!Yeah, you think of a new one each week, tough guy…

D.T.: We always thought it would be the Jaguars who’d be left in London after one of their snooze-fest International Series appearances. Turns out it’s Joe Philbin of the Miami Dolphins, and deservedly so. The Dolphins jettisoned their head coach (and allegedly their defensive coordinator) after a brutal loss to the Jets on Sunday morning. And that’s not even the biggest scandal of this week! No, the professional, paid-to-know-the-rules NFL referees once again fucked up a Seattle game, in Seattle, IN THE SAME END ZONE. I’ve taken to calling the illegal batting foul “Batgate” and have trademarked the term.

ESPN and Facebook both already owe me $4 quadzillion dollars, and it’s only been a couple of days. But, until that check comes in, we gotta keep cranking this beast of a column out in hopes that someone besides my dad will see it and make us famous. Because fuck knows our scam to use insider information to score big on DraftKings isn’t going to pan out.
BMK: The Seahawks. Why is it always the goddamn Seahawks.

This is not a good team. By all rights they should be 1-3 and heading into the Queen City, ready for the Ginger of Doom to carve them up. But no. They’re 2-2, still alive in the division, and now I have to hear about how great they are and how wonderful Russell Wilson is. That guy really grinds my gears.

Anyway…on to the picks!

———-

COLTS at TEXANS

D.T.: We’re starting the week off with a real head-scratcher. The Colts are a real mess, and their only saving grace hasn’t been playing his best football. With him out last week against the Jaguars, the result was a slog of a game that ended with a three-point win over Jacksonville. Luck is supposed to be back under center this week against the Texans, but we’ll see how effective he is. Meanwhile, the Texans were absolutely spanked by the Falcons. Both of these teams are in real trouble, and the fact that it’s a divisional game makes it all the more hard to read.

A poorly-functioning offense with talent and a marquee player leading it vs. a poorly-functioning defense with talent and a marquee player leading it. This one is seriously up for grabs, but I guess I’ll go with Indy.

COLTS

BMK: I’m writing this on Thursday and word has gotten out that Luck isn’t playing and Hassleback might not be playing. So I’m taking the Texans.

Here’s a bit of insider information: DT wrote his portion on Wednesday, so he thought either Luck or Hassleback might be playing QB. A fair man would let him change his pick, but I am a small man. A small and petty man.

TEXANS

This hotdog represents the Colts season. And your penis, according to Freud. But who cares what he thinks since he was a cokehead. Freud that is, not Jim Irsay. Or, rather, not Irsay this time. Though I’m not sure why anyone would care what Jim Irsay thinks, unless you’re on the Colts payroll, and probably not even then…

D.T.: There’s several coaches I think are in the hot seat going into week 5, and Chicago’s John Fox is one of them. The man has pretty well proven himself ineffectual unless he’s got a highly-motivated quarterback making him look good. And Cutler ain’t highly motivated.

Seen here, trying to put his helmet on without using his hands.

It’s going to be another bad day for the Bears. Arrowhead is tough to play in for teams that actually communicate on a base level. The mess that is Chicago will barely be able to tell which endzone they’re headed for.

CHIEFS

BMK: I’m not impressed with the Chiefs. They’re the perfect Andy Reid team: good, not great. That said, Chicago is garbage. Even with Jay Cutler.

CHIEFS

———-

SEAHAWKS at BENGALS

D.T.: Seattle’s officially on the decline. They barely – barely – eked out a win last week against a Detroit team that’s more deflated than your average Foxborough football. And they even managed to fuck that up at the last second, but got really lucky. Their offensive line is in shambles, and Russell Wilson is going to get himself killed having to compensate.

Their star running back is fighting injury and would rather watch games from a booth instead of the sideline. The Bengals, however, are playing their best football. They look legitimately good, and they’re a great home team. The Bengals are gonna get a nice, huge confidence boost this week and come out 5-0.

BENGALS

BMK: Ugh. Someday this team will get its comeuppance. Seriously, like I mentioned in this week’s podcast (did ya listen? Huh? Did ya?), this team is 2-0 when the refs are fucking idiots. By all rights, the Seahawks should be 1-3 and on their way to imploding, but nooooooo, the refs had to not know a rule. And before any of you chuckleheads are like, “Yeah, Krol, like you knew the illegal bat rule,” let me point out a couple of things:

You’re an idiot

I’m NOT GETTING PAID TO REFEREE FOOTBALL GAMES!

The people in charge should know the rules and should apply them fairly. I get that there are subjective calls (and this aint one of them, hairlip), but the people in charge of the games should know them. Argh! Good God this team pisses me off. They’re like the Homer Simpson to my Frank Grimes. Someday…someday they’ll get what’s coming to them.

I hope it’s this Sunday.

BENGALS

Pictured: The Author

———-

REDSKINS at FALCONS

D.T.: Devonta Freeman is just fucking dominating. I was singing his praises last week, and here he comes again with a three touchdown performance against the Texans. The kid is on a mission, and he currently leads the league in touchdowns. The Falcons are hosting their second home game in a row, and unless Matty Ice and the rest of the Dirty Birds are sitting on their laurels and thinking this is an easy match, the Redskins likely don’t stand a chance here.

FALCONS

BMK: The Falcons are surprising me. And after working at Ren Faires for the majority of my adult life, son, I have seen it all.

Anyway, the Redskins suck, so they should lose. Unless something stupid happens.

FALCONS

———-

JAGUARS at BUCCANEERS

D.T.: Yawn. The Jaguars are showing signs of pulling themselves out of that dumpster, but I don’t think Blake Bortles and… whoever else is on that offense… will overcome the Buccaneers defense (which, shockingly, is currently ranked in the top 10). Writing this part of the column, I think this must be how Jay Cutler feels, getting out of bed every day. I just don’t care.

BUCCANEERS

BMK: It’s too early in the goddamn morning to trouble my beautiful mind with this garbage.

JAGUARS

———-

SAINTS at EAGLES

D.T.: Okay, this one does a little something for me. The Saints got that desperately-needed first win of the season, and fought hard for it. Drew Brees hit CJ Spiller with an overtime touchdown pass to put their game against the Cowboys to bed. And that pass happened to be his 400th… AND Brees reached 400 touchdown passes faster than anyone in league history.

AND the motherfucker is Iron Man, and he married Cinderella. Come the fuck on.

It was just as much a moral win as a physical one, and they had to fight both Dallas and themselves to get it. Both the Eagles and Saints are fighting internal battles this season, and that makes this game truly interesting (and probably painful to watch). I expect another very close game with lots of mental errors on both sides, and a struggle until a final field goal in the 4th seals the deal. But who scores that field goal? I think the Saints continue their rebound.

SAINTS

BMK: Our regular reader of this column could tell you that if there’s one thing I hate, it’s the Seahawks. But if I had to choose another thing, it would be conventional wisdom in sports (note: this is tied with Burger King’s Chicken Fries, and just ahead of Climate Change and the Gotham TV show).

This preseason, everyone was going crazy about Chip Kelly. Makes sense I guess. Chip Kelly went all HAM on his team, jettisoning anyone with serious talent while keeping uber douches like Riley Cooper. After all that nonsense, they were successful in the preseason. Which totally violated what was expected, and this caused the Hot Take Express to declare the Eagles THE TEAM TO BEAT in the NFC East. Some dorks actually put them in the Superbowl this year. But to anyone really paying attention, there was no way this team as constituted were going to beat the Cowboys to win in the NFC East, and if they couldn’t beat the Cowboys, they weren’t going to beat the Packers in the NFC Championship (you know, the actual sane NFC Super Bowl pick).

So where am I going with this? Shut up, that’s where!

SAINTS

———-

BROWNS at RAVENS

D.T.: The Ravens struggled in Pittsburgh last week, even with Big Ben on the bench. Shit, both teams struggled heavily, and if it weren’t for Josh Scobee being a terrible kicker, the Steelers would have won. Seriously, even Snoop Dogg took to the internet and called Scobee out. I haven’t heard language like that come out Snoop Dogg since the 90s. The dude hangs out with fuckin’ Willie Nelson these days, and Josh Scobee brought the gangster out of him again. Has anyone even heard from Scobee since he was fired? He might be dead.

D.T.: The Rams are so fucking good at playing the upsetters in divisional games, and struggling everywhere else. How they can switch between beating the Cardinals and Seahawks, then losing to the Redskins is perplexing. They even managed to injure Roethlisberger, and still couldn’t close the deal against the Steelers.

“It was like prom, all over again.”

I’m sure Green Bay’s main priority is protecting Rodgers, and rightfully so, and they’ll need to be careful against that hard-hitting St. Louis defense. Those guys don’t fuck around, and we might even see an end to Rodgers’ no-interception streak at Lambeau. The Pack will come out with the win this week, though. The Rams defense is scary as shit, and Todd Gurley looks to be the real deal, but Green Bay is the better team, and a dynamite home team.

PACKERS

BMK: Okay, this game actually interests me. The Rams are enigmatic, in that they win NFC West games but lose to everyone else. Personally, I blame Nick Foles. Look at DT’s picture up there. He’s dead behind the eyes.

The Rams have some weapons on offense, and their defense is formidable. But they need to start winning games to get any serious respect in the league. I don’t expect them to win this game. The Rams needed the Cardinals to cough the ball up three times to win, and the last time Aaron Rodgers threw an interception at home Jeff Freakin Saturday was the center. That said, I’ll be interested to see how the Rams defense handles Rodgers.

RAMS
———-

BILLS at TITANS

D.T.: I’m still not convinced the Bills are a decent team, yet. They’ve shown some fire, but I think they’re running on pure bravado and enthusiasm (with a little help from an okay quarterback in Tyrod Taylor).

“Actually D.T., we’re running on pure fuck you.”

They had that devastating win against the Dolphins, but that’s shown to be not that impressive a feat. No, they still have a long ways to go before they can be called legitimately good, and last week’s loss against the Giants in rather unceremonious fashion proved that. But, the Titans aren’t really any good, either. I think the Bills’ aggression wins out, and they pressure Mariota into mistakes that cost the Titans.

BILLS

BMK: When the whole foot fetish thing exploded on Rex Ryan, do you think Quentin Tarantino sent him a kind note in solidarity?

That’s all I got for this game.

BILLS

DON’T drag me into your sewer, Krol.

———-

CARDINALS at LIONS

D.T.: The Lions are a good home team. That’s pretty much all that keeps their coaching staff from being fired, and the team itself from imploding. Last week’s showing against the Seahawks was laughable. The defense managed to sack Russell Wilson a good number of times, but whenever he’d manage to scramble away, he’d find all of his receivers wide open. Why? Because the Lions’ defensive backs had already stopped moving and were standing still. Every time. The Lions offense is struggling, Calvin Johnson isn’t making the comeback we thought he would, and their defense was effective against a Seattle offensive line that’s in shambles.

The Cardinals, on the other hand, have a solid offensive line that’s getting even better with the return of Mike Iupati. Their defense is playing lights out, and the lethargic Lions aren’t going to be able to match the energy on either side of the ball.

CARDINALS
BMK: The Lions are one of those teams that’s mired in mediocrity. They have Calvin Johnson and Safford, who is not a bad QB by any stretch of the imagination. But their time passed. I expect the Cardinals to take care of business this week, especially after the Rams cleaning their collective clocks last week.

Sub-question: did people ever like, literally, clean clocks?

CARDINALS
———-

PATRIOTS at COWBOYS

D.T.: Oh, fuck. Patriots, by at least two touchdowns.

PATRIOTS
BMK: I concur.

PATRIOTS
———-

BRONCOS at RAIDERS

D.T.: One of the great, all-time rivalries in Football. Or at least it was, 20 years ago. However, the Raiders are doing sort of okay, and this might be the first interesting match-up these two teams have had in years. Derek Carr and Amari Cooper are the best thing the Raiders have had going in who can remember how long. But, despite the efforts of Khalil Mack, the Oakland defense is still one of the worst in the NFL, and they’re likely to struggle even against Peyton’s tired arm and a Denver running game dealing with injury. It’s the Broncos with the win, and they’ll achieve a somewhat perplexing 5-0 record this week.

BRONCOS

BMK: This game is happening at the wrong time. People out here in the East Bay are excited about the Raiders, and now it’ll set me back 90 clams just to get in the door to see this game. Last year at this time, a sandwich or some meth would get you field level 50 yard line tickets. Looks like I’m hosed.

Anyway, I don’t think the Raiders are good enough to handle the Denver defense, and the Raiders are too young of a team to handle Manning’s cerebral approach to football. When you play a cat like that, you need to have your shit wired tight. These guys aint there yet. That said, I wouldn’t be surprised at an upset, either. The Del Raiders are heading in the right direction.

Get it? Del Raiders? Cause their coach is Jack Del Rio and the Raiders are his…

“Don’t, Krol.”

Okay, okay…

BRONCOS

———-

NINERS at GIANTS

D.T.: I just feel bad for Kaepernick. I dislike the Niners as much as the next non-Niners fan (or after last week, the next Niners fan), but ol’ Kaep went from being the big man on campus to being the awkward guy all the football players pick on. It’s one thing for guys like Clay Matthews to knock you around on the field, but to start getting teased with no recourse is just depressing as hell to watch. The schadenfreude has turned into… dare I say, sympathy at this point.

Guy on the left fell asleep trying to figure out what schadenfreude means. Guy on the left is calling mom to say he’ll be late for dinner because he has to stab me.

The Giants are still iffy, but not nearly as iffy as the mess San Francisco has become. They’re in for a nice home win this week, and maybe Eli will actually smile and look like anything other than an 8 year old who just woke up from a nap.

GIANTS

BMK: This is my hate watch of the week. The Giants are irritating and the 49ers are irritating. Whoever wins this game, their season is still over. Next year Bicep Boy will be a backup in Oakland and Tomsula will be in over his head somewhere else. And the decades long rebuilding process will continue until Jed York finds something else to do or is lynched.

GIANTS

———-

STEELERS at CHARGERS

D.T.: A dud of a week ends with a real dud of a Monday Night game.

“…”

The Roethlisless Steelers take on the Chargers in San Diego, who herald the return of Antonio Gates. Philip Rivers is quietly having a successful season, despite the Chargers being 2-2, and the return of his BFF will only work to boost his effectiveness. There’s not really much else to say about this game — and I imagine Jon Gruden and Mike Tirico won’t have much, either. Expect lots of speculation on Mike Vick, more talk about what a great athlete he is as he gets sacked because he has no pocket awareness, and how he’s turned his life around. Blah, blah, blah.

Make the game more interesting and enjoyable by drinking every time Gruden says ‘Scuse me, Mike.

BMK: I’m taking the Chargers. Fuck Vick.

—–

D.T.: And there you have it! We managed to squeeze a halfway decent column out of a terrible week of football. Next week, is… oh, holy shit. Texans at Jaguars? Dolphins at Titans? Bears at Lions?! Who the fuck designs these schedules, and when did they completely give up? Krol, we’re writing next week’s column while high on some of Russell Wilson’s morphine drink.

“It’s super sweet, dudes! I lost to the Rams, and the next day I felt fine!”

BMK: DT’s right, this week’s games stink. But you know what doesn’t stink? The 4th and Krol Podcast! Check it out at BMichaelKrol.com. The ONLY website you’ll ever need…if you need infrequently updated snark and the occasional sports take…

Your weekly dose of Kat Dennings

This post was written and compiled while listening to One Hot Minute by the Red Hot Chili Peppers and the new David Gilmore Album, because I hate myself.

DT and I are doing a podcast as a companion to the NFL Pick columns. Although it’s not exclusively about sports, the NFL tends to dominate the conversation. Anyway, give it a listen and enjoy my sexy dulcet tones. And DT too, I guess.

It’s linked below. Hopefully soon we’ll be on the iTunes. Unless they’re still mad at me for making fun of Steve Jobs…

Update: Apparently I’m about as good as an audio engineer as I am football prognosticator. This should be fixed now. Enjoy!