As Hurricane Sandy, now combined with a Nor'easter, bears down on the mid-Atlantic, people everywhere are looking for answers: will I be safe? What should I do? Where should I go? And most importantly, what shadowy organization, group, or cosmic force is manipulating the weather to cause this terrible storm? Luckily, the internet has answers to all those questions — especially the last one. (Current suspects: President Obama, the gays, and perennial weather-conspiracy favorite the High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program.) Let's take a look at the best conspiracy theories on the web.

Hurricane Sandy is God's "huge bucket of vomit in America's face" over gays and Muslims

As any good American can guess, Hurricane Sandy represents God's wrath at our decadent, Sodomite society. But is he specifically mad about the Gays, or the Muslims? Evangelical pastor John McTernan, using a bit of nifty Biblical numerology, says it's both:

Hurricane Sandy is hitting 21 years to the day of the Perfect Storm of October 20, 1991. [...] This was the day that President George Bush Sr. initiated the Madrid Peace Process to divide the land of Israel, including Jerusalem. America has been under God's judgment since this event. [...] Twenty-one years breaks down to 7 x 3, which is a significant number with God. Three is perfection as the Godhead is three in one while seven is perfection. It appears that God gave America 21 years to repent of interfering with His prophetic plan for Israel; however, it has gotten worse under all the presidents and especially Obama. Obama is 100 percent behind the Muslim Brotherhood which has vowed to destroy Israel and take Jerusalem. Both candidates are pro-homosexual and are behind the homosexual agenda.

But it's not that the hurricane represents God's wrath — it actually represents a bucket of His divine vomit, thrown in America's metaphorical face:

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Hurricane Sandy may flood Washington, DC on election day! It is like the hurricane is a huge bucket of vomit in America's face during the election. What a sign from the holy God of Israel that American politics is an abomination to Him. A pro-homosexual Mormon along with a pro-abortion/homosexual, Muslim Brotherhood promoter, Hard Left Fascist are running for president. [...] I see this storm as a warning from the LORD to call His church to repentance.

The military-funded High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program is using advanced technology invented by Nikola Tesla to manipulate the weather and/or control our minds in order to ensure an Obama re-election.

The High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program is a military-funded project ostensibly intended to research the communications and surveillance possibilities of the ionosphere. But as all non-sheeple know, it's actually developing advanced weather-manipulation and mind-control technologies:

HAARP has long been believed to be the shadow government's way of manipulating the weather, and this is being rumored to be another instance of it. [...] In light of the worst weather and storms in centuries, one could suppose it was climate change effects, or some point to HAARP. But are the conspiracy theorists crazy for believing this? It sounds sensational, but no, they aren't crazy; HAARP is very much capable of controlling the weather. [...] The other big conspiracy theory related to HAARP is the ability for mind control. [...] David Icke claims that HAARP produces frequencies which could be considered thoughts/emotions/moods. They project these into our brains because the frequencies are the same. [...] So how can we tell if it works in reverse? Can a thought be transmitted into our brains? Jesse Ventura's show ‘Conspiracy Theory' proves this works through an experiment with Dr. Nick Begich. — Hurricane Sandy and HAARP

Who invented the technology HAARP uses to create storms and plant those sexual fantasies about Skrillex inside your brain? Scientist Nikola Tesla, long ago friendzoned out of mainstream acceptance:

In fact, some of this technology may go all the way back to Nikola Tesla and his works of genius. Of course, no one truly knows the depths of his works; the government confiscated all of his notes as matters of national security after his death. Ironic, isn't it? One look at pages recently released under the FOIA, Tesla was indeed working on weather manipulation, starting with his experiments in Colorado produced powerful artificial lightening, in the millions of volts. [...] Later, Tesla discovered that this technology could be adapted to create "resonance machines", out of which came the capability to produce the shaking of buildings and of the earth, and later, real earthquakes. Where was his East Coast research facility, Long Island. Where is Montauk? Again, the answer is Long Island. — Is Nikola Tesla the Father of Frankenstorm?

Is this starting to make sense? Are the pieces of the puzzle beginning to fall into place?

Sandy's timing has many people speculating that the storm's path is an engineered event. On Thursday, HaarpStatus.com reported elevated levels of HAARP frequency in the ionosphere above the East Coast of the United States. [...] The Pentagon's HAARP, or High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program, is not required to modify and direct hurricanes, however. As weather modification expert Ben Livingston, who has a degree in cloud physics from the Naval Weapons Center and Navy Post Graduate School in California, told Alex Jones in 2005, hurricane behavior can be modified by seeding clouds with silver iodide. [...] If the research conducted by HaarpStatus.com is correct, the government (or factions within) are manipulating the ionosphere and driving Sandy into the East Coast to create chaos and Katrina-like post storm conditions that will have significant political ramifications during the November 6th election. [...] It is not clear why the ruling elite want to make Obama look presidential at Romney's expense, however. Both candidates are preened race horses for the ruling global elite and with a few notable exceptions their agendas are almost identical. — Hurricane Sandy: Divine Wind for Obama

Hurricane Sandy was perpetrated by the powers that be to distract sheeple from nefarious government plots to blow up the New York Stock Exchange and to prepare society for a coming false-flag war, and a message board poster predicted it, in verse, weeks ago.

You can search HAARP and FEMA on Twitter all you want, but for the real, unvarnished, capital-T Truth you have to go to the message board Godlike Productions, where several posters are asking important questions — questions like: how could Obama even know a hurricane was coming, unless he planned it?