How Long Are the Sneak Previews?: The
Short Attention Span Film and Video Festival, which
showcases movies less than two minutes long, is currently
touri--

OK, were bored with this topic already. Time to
move on to something else.

Road to Recovery: Slowly but surely, the
United States is getting back to normal -- and by
normal we of course mean
weird. For example:

-- A musical comedy about the Lindbergh baby kidnapping
will debut in Philadelphia next month. No doubt itll
be a smash. As every humorist knows, nothing makes an
audience laugh like an infant homicide.
-- A North Carolina woman who designs fashions for dogs
says the hip look in canine couture this fall will be
fisherman-style vests with cargo pockets and shiny
urban-look parkas. Also in vogue
will be dog sweaters with fluffy chenille collars.
-- The National Inventors Hall of Fame in Akron, Ohio,
has inducted Patsy O. Sherman and Samuel Smith for their
patent on block and graft copolymers
containing water-solvatable polar groups and
fluoroaliphatic groups. To which we say, its
about time.
-- Chicago will host an art exhibit of paintings and
sculptures that express feelings of orthopedic pain.
-- Because of a breakthrough in candy-coating technology,
green M&Ms will have a female face printed on
them this month, in connection with the chocolate candys
60th anniversary.
-- A California company called Celebriducks.com
is selling rubber ducks that resemble Dracula, Groucho
Marx, the Blues Brothers, James Brown and the Lone Ranger.

Strange Revenge Bureau: How should the U.S.
retaliate for Sept. 11s terrorist attack? All sorts
of schemes are floating around, but one of the most
harebrained involves soda pop.

According to the National Soft Drink Association, some
Americans are protesting the use of a beverage ingredient
called gum arabic. Made from acacia plants, its a
common additive in citrus-flavored sodas and beer because
it stabilizes foaminess. In ancient Egypt, gum arabic was
also used for mummification.

But protesters want to boycott the stuff. Some apparently
dont like the idea of anything Arabic
in their beverages; others are perturbed because 70
percent of gum arabic comes from Sudan, which was home to
Osama bin Laden until 1996. But soft-drink association
spokesman Sean McBride hopes President Bushs
admonition not to discriminate against innocent Arab-Americans
will carry over to gum arabic. Says McBride: Drinking
a Fresca doesnt mean youre supporting
terrorism.

Off-Kilter Encyclopedia: To fasten down
tools during weightlessness, the astronauts orbiting the
moon aboard Apollo 8 used Silly Putty.

Quote of the Week: In response to the
Rev. Jerry Falwells claim that God allowed the
terrorist attack because America has become secularized
by such groups as the ACLU, feminists and homosexuals,
Chicago Sun-Times columnist Zay N. Smith commented:
For those wondering what a Christian Osama
bin Laden might sound like.

Supermarket Tabloid Headline of the Week:
How to Tell if Your Guardian Angel is Gay!
(Weekly World News)

The telltale signs include: sleepwalking in the middle of
the night and waking up to find yourself in a conga line
at a gay bar; seeing ghostly apparitions of the Village
People; inexplicably singing show tunes from Broadway
musicals youve never even seen.