New Labor reforms rolled out yesterday to ensure Rudd is not knifed again before he fully consolidates his political power-base. The possibility of anyone having the gall to try to destabilise him in the same way he destabilised Gillard has been consigned to history, along with most of the remaining Gillard-supporter clique. Only that shit Shorten remains to be effectively neutered, but that will only be a matter of time. One thing’s for sure, the faceless bastards who did him in once before won’t be able to so easily do it to him again.

With the opinion polls today having Labor now riding neck and neck with the Coalition, it all seems suddenly so inevitable. What were they thinking, keeping Gillard around for so long? Rudd tells me that once we’ve got the silly public voting thing later on in the year (what’s it called, an election?) out of the road my secret portfolio will be expanded to oversee the steps necessary to smooth the way for his inevitable accession to the crown. ‘King Kevvie’ may not sound right at first, I politely agree, but “his people” will soon get used to it.

On hearing of the exciting nature of my future portfolio, I decide the time is ripe to set in motion ‘Operation Just in Case,’ which involves quietly stocking up on food supplies and opening up a secret back-channel to the Venezuelan embassy. Under the circumstances, these are mere precautionary measures anyone in my position would be expected to take.