This football thing is really
kicking my ass. The Longhorns have played ten games in eleven weeks,
and I have been to all of them. In addition, Diamondbag has played three
Friday-night shows in the past six weeks. I've been to Austin five times,
along with one-off trips to North Carolina, Nebraska, Kansas, and New
Orleans.

"Wait," you ask. "Don't the
Longhorns play on Saturdays? How do you get to the games on time?"

It's called sleep deprivation,
folks. And sometimes it ain't pretty, especially when you consider
how much alcohol is involved when you combine a Diamondbag gig with
a 151-fueled Longhorn football game. But as Elton John once sang,
"I'm still standing." And so are my Horns, by the way.

This last Friday, we played
our second show ever at the Lakewood Bar and Grill. We've been looking
forward to the show for a while, but when I booked it, I knew it was
going to cause a nasty scenario for me. You see, the Horns were playing
Baylor the next day, and that is not exactly a game that the TV networks
were waiting in line to televise. Unfortunately, no TV usually means
an early kickoff, and that was indeed the case last week: 11:30 in
the AM. Ouch. In order to make kickoff, we had to be on the road Saturday
morning after the gig by 7 a.m. at the absolute latest. That meant
that I'd get at most three hours of sleep. But hey-sometimes you have
to take one for the team. You know, play 'em one game at a time. Sometimes
you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains. Think about that.

Since I knew I had to be up
before the crack of dawn on Saturday, I made a simple request of my
friends: no shots, please. Everyone who has been to a Diamondbag show
knows that I absolutely love my Tuaca. Ever since our first gig where
the warm cough-syrupy fluid saved my flu-stricken voice, I have sworn
by the stuff. It's become a tradition at our shows. This time, however,
I wanted to take it easy. And I really do have to thank all of my
friends-you cheap bastards didn't buy me a drop! You must really care
about my health and well-being, and for that I am truly thankful.

Unfortunately, there were a
horde of new Diamondbag fans at the Lakewood who didn't receive my
"no shots" edict. I think I had at least four of five drinks purchased
for me between the second and third sets alone.Sure, I could have refused them-but that would be rude, now
wouldn't it? So in the long run, I was my usual semi-hammered self
by the time we finished the show. I got maybe two hours of sleep before
my alarm so rudely awakened me to leave for Austin. Damn you Tuaca,
damn you all to hell!

So how was the gig anyway?
Pretty damn good I think, if you discount the first four or five songs.
To put it politely, we had "sound issues." In simpler terms, we sounded
like shit. The Lakewood just got a new PA, and it was definitely not
enjoying the amount of juice Diamondbag was trying to squeeze through
it. After starting or stopping three or four times in an effort to
fix the feedback, we were this close to calling it a night. But alas,
the door opened and in walked two members of the Justice League: Super
Kevin and Audio John. With a few twiddles of their lightning-fast
fingers, we were back up on stage and soundin' good. Thanks boys-we
owe you. Seriously. The check is in the mail.

Now normally, I provide a set
list for each of our gigs so that you can look it up and go, "Oh yeah-they
did play Copacabana, didn't they!" But this time, we have a
problem. You see, I don't actually remember what we play after the
shows-I make set lists in advance and keep a copy of them to remind
me. Only this time, we had to throw the set lists out because of all
the sound issues. We played a few songs twice apiece (since you couldn't
hear them the first time), and essentially I spent all night just
calling out song titles to the band. So in other words, I have absolutely
no idea what order we played the songs in. Hell, for all I know we
played Blood Sweat & Tears covers all night. But I do know that
the crowd loved it and they danced and it was good. If you weren't
there, you shoulda been-especially since it was the lovely Sarah's
birthday. Happy birthday, sweetie.

Since the whole night was so
disjointed, I will list off a few of the things I think I do remember.
These events are not listed in order, and in fact I cannot confirm or
deny that they actually too place. You see, I haven't slept since September.

We played "Play Me" for
the first time in months (by request). Thank you for asking for
ballads. It makes me happy. We can play real purdy sometimes if
you let us.

Someone I didn't even
know actually asked for "Desiree." Honest. No, we didn't play
it.

A nice woman named Rhonda
bought me a few shots and made me sing "Help Me Rhonda" to her.
Since I only knew the chorus, it didn't take long.

Rhonda's daughter Amanda
was very cute. Are all girls named Amanda cute? I think they must
be.

We ended the night with
Mike singing "Sweet Transvestite" as birthday request for Sarah.
Thanks Napo!

Curtis bounded on stage
to sing the nah nah nah nah's on "Hey Jude," and he was
worried that I would be mad at him afterwards. He must not have
heard the infamous Linda McCartney tape. Dude, you did great.
Thanks for always coming to our shows!

At least eight different
people asked me how old I was. No one believed me. Do I really
still look that young?

We sang an impromptu verse
or two of the Fat Albert theme song during "Brother Love."
It was so fucking cool. Hey hey hey!

Kris was not working (boo). But Bree was,
and if possible, she might even be cuter than Kris! If this were Seinfeld,
Elaine would be applying for a job at the Lakewood claiming discrimination.

The best part: our friend Sandra (a big Neil
fan) saw us for the first time, and we felt the love. That makes the
lack of sleep more than worthwhile.

Until next time, boys and girls,
I shall bid you adieu. Thanks again to those who came out, and we'll
see you at the Barley House on Saturday, December 14. And don't forget
about the No Commitment show at the Lakewood on Saturday, November
23!

Set
OneA few Neil songs that essentially sounded like the Jesus &
Mary Chain due to feedback issues.

Set TwoA lot of Neil Diamond songs that sounded like The Who because
that's how we like to do them.

Set Three
What the hell am I doing up here? I don't belong here. I don't belong.here.