50 Biggest Mama’s Boys [10-1]

RANDY (A CHRISTMAS STORY)

YouTube

While Ralphie’s pretty much a pushover who obeys his mom, Randy’s screwed for life. He’s got a choreographed piggy routine at dinner for Kris Kringle’s sake.

RAY ALLEN

Getty Images

Ray’s dad was in the military leaving plenty of time for the sharpshooter to bond with his mom. She’s been a constant influence in his life and is responsible for the 10-time All-Star getting into basketball. As any Celtics fan can tell you, she’s at every game.

ERIC CARTMAN (SOUTH PARK)

South Park Studios

See a pattern? Only child, no father. Mom who caves in to every demand. In her eyes, lil’ Eric is her sweet angel who can do no wrong and fat@ss takes full advantage of that.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

Getty Images

Shirtless McGee was the youngest of three boys aka ‘the baby’ and thus had to depend on Mama for protection. He’s been pegged as a “Mama’s Boy” for almost 2 decades now and the characters he plays reflect that. It appears he’s settled down with his partner and two kids but that doesn’t mean he won’t take his mom to SXSW.

BRENNAN HUFF (STEP BROTHERS)

Getty Images

The songbird of our generation might have a mangina and it’s easy to see why – his mom, though hot, has been unable to push the little 40 year old birdy out of the nest.

TIM TEBOW

YouTube

If that Super Bowl commercial featuring Tim and his mother wasn’t convincing enough, maybe the fact he was homeschooled might. Let’s be honest, though, a lot of people owe their lives to their moms, but it could’ve been lights out for Tim right before saw the light of day and his mom refused to give in.

BOBBY BOUCHER (THE WATERBOY)

Buena Vista Pictures

Say it with us now – only child, no father, overbearing mother who loves her son so much that she shelters him from the harsh world outside the home. Let the kid out and who knows he may just dominate the college football scene. AND hang out with LT.

FORREST GUMP

Paramount Pictures

His father abandoned him and his mother who raised him and imparted on to him a library’s worth of memorable quotes. Mama always said… You think it’s coincidence we followed Bobby Boucher with Forrest Gump? You can’t tell us Bobby wasn’t based on Forrest.

FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT

Photo by Hulton Archive/Getty Images

By now, the formula might seem like a broken record. FDR was an only child who was sheltered and homeschooled until boarding school. When he went to Harvard, his mom followed. She was upset when Franklin got engaged to Eleanor, but when he got married against her wishes, she committed herself to controlling both of them. Sara picked out the newly-married couple’s first house, had it decorated, and bought herself a house just three blocks away. In 1908 she gave them a townhouse in Manhattan which conveniently connected to her own townhouse – it had adjoining doors on every single floor. Franklin later admitted he had been terrified of his mother his whole life.

JASON VOORHEES

YouTube

If you haven’t learned the whole story after 80 films, we’ll try to briefly recap. Mrs. Voorhees had her only son when she was 15. Since he was hydrocephalic (read: deformed) she never sent him to school, and was extremely overprotective of him. She worked as a cook at Camp Crystal Lake when young Jason tried to prove himself to others by swimming, but reportedly drowned while the counselors were at a party drinking, smoking pot, and having sex. Over the next 23 or so years, she causes the camp to shut down several times. Finally on Friday the 13th in 1980 voices in her head tell her to kill everybody. One of the counselors survives and decapitates her, but is soon murdered by Jason.

So, there you have it. If you’re a Mama’s Boy, there’s not just one path you can follow. Super Bowl champion, President, award winner, or, you know, mass murderer. Happy Mother’s Day, crybabies.

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