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When it happens...again.

May 31, 2015

Jonathan and I were praying for a baby THIS year. I got pregnant in March making me due in December. What a blessing we thought. A baby this year and just under the wire. We were praying, being prayed over, reading books, reading the Bible, fasting, so hopeful, so positive, doing everything right. All the pieces had fallen perfectly into place. My symptoms were strong. My reflux was super bad and so were my aversions. And, I found out before I was even 4 weeks along. My at home test came back positive at 3 weeks and I only took it because I was getting nauseas in the middle of the day...everyday.

But, I guess it wasn't meant to be. On May 21st (at 10 or 11 weeks) I found out our baby had no heartbeat although we had seen and heard it at 7 (or 8 weeks.) The baby had stopped growing at 9 weeks. It probably stopped growing around May 14th which is odd because my miscarriage last year was on May 15th. May pretty much sucks. (The dates may be off because according to my period I should have been 8 weeks at my first appointment but the dr said I must have miscalculated because at 8 weeks baby was measuring 7 weeks 2 days. Well, I don't think I was 5 days off, I think there was already something wrong at that first appointment.)

Baby at 7 weeks 2 days - Heart rate: 165

Having your doctor tell you that she doesn't see a heartbeat is just unexplainable. Especially when you're there alone. It's terrible. Having two miscarriages a year apart is also just terrible. I hate the entire situation. Having to tell all your family and close friends what happened is gut wrenching. Having to call your husband and tell him your baby is gone is the worst. And, possibly worse still is your body still thinking that your baby is still alive so you still have all your pregnancy symptoms but knowing that a baby is not the end result.

I have the ultrasound pictures and I even still had the pee stick as gross is that is. I've taken down the pictures and thrown away the tests and piles of doctor paperwork...soon to be replaced with paperwork of a new kind. I hate that we're at this place. Again. And did you know that once you see the heartbeat (like we did at 7 or 8 weeks) there is only a 3% chance of miscarriage. Oh, the odds...

Anger

Frustration

Throwing in the towel

Self pity

Self loathing

Sadness

Disbelief

Blahhhh...

I had a D and C on May 28th. It wasn't bad at all. I was completely knocked out and was only in surgery for about 10 minutes or so. The night before I had a total melt down. (I mean, I had to walk around for an entire week with a dead baby inside of me and then it was just going to end up in the trash can. It's unimaginable.) It was one of several break downs that happened that week. And I am NOT a crier. I'm just not. I don't like people seeing me down or weak much less sobbing.

And, I'll be very honest, I've been in a place of why pray. Why ask God for anything? We've been praying for a baby and have had two miscarriages. It doesn't make any sense. Other prayers have gone unanswered. The reverse is happening and it makes you wonder if He really hears you or cares at all.

I put so much mental and emotional energy into prayer and preparing for this baby. Plus, I was nearly done with the first trimester. I got to experience all the pains of the first trimester but didn't get a baby. Very much salt in the wound. As is paying for a D and C.

So, where do I go now? What's the next step? I've actually known several people who have gone through what I have (chemical pregnancy followed by miscarriage) but they didn't already have a child to begin with. They did however go on to have several more successful pregnancies so I'm hopeful but I'm not in a good place spiritually. Luckily I have several people interceding for me until I get back to that good place. I honestly just feel too angry to pray sometimes.

I've been pregnant 3 times in the past (almost) 5 years and have one child to show for it. It took me 3 months to get pregnant with Georgia, and 8 or so months which each of the following ones. At this point we are choosing not to pursue any fertility treatment. I've really been praying about what the next step should be and I've come across several verses:

"The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still"

Exodus 14:14

"Be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead"

1Peter 1:16

"After your season of suffering, God in all his grace will restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you"

1Peter 5:10

"With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible"

Matthew 19:26

"To you, O Lord, I offer my prayer; in you, my God, I trust"

Psalm 25: 1-2

"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours"

mark 11:24

These are not verses I looked up. These are verses that were revealed to me during Bible study and prayer. I know in my heart God is in control and I also know that when I do get pregnant and deliver a full term baby that God will get all the glory. But, it's hard to get your head and your heart on the same page. I repeat these verses out loud. God can read my thoughts and hear my prayers but Satan cannot read my mind although he can hear my words. Satan and demons flea from the spoken word of God so I'm making sure he wants no part of me. Spiritual Warfare is very much a real thing.

I know it is not in God's character to take a new life. I know it is not God's way to take my unborn babies but I do know we live in a fallen world and fear and doubt give Satan a foothold. I recently finished a sermon series podcast (By Willie George with Church on the Move) on Spiritual Warfare and the Armor of God and I also recently finished The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson (just buy it and read it now). And I know it to be true that Satan wants me to give up. He does not want Jonathan and I to have anymore children. He doesn't want more believers and he is doing everything in his power to withhold my blessings that God has already sent.

The moment Daniel prayed God sent Gabriel with an answer but it is stated clearly in the Bible that the angel did battle with the Prince of Persia (Satan/demons) before he could get the blessing to Daniel. He battled for 21 days. (Daniel 10) What if Daniel had stopped praying before the 21 days? He would have forfeited his blessing. That's not something I am willing to do. Satan so badly wants me to give up. He wants me to stop praying and feel defeated. He wants me to believe the very opposite of God's word...that God will not fulfill his promises to me. God has put a desire in my heart for a reason and God will win this battle. I need only to be still and believe.

Blessed is she who believed that there would be fulfillment of what had been spoken to her by the Lord

Luke 1:45

Please join Jonathan and I in prayer for me to conceive and give birth to a healthy full term baby.

My heart is breaking for you both. There is nothing to say. I will pray for you and your husband both. Specifically for your marriage to be strengthened, for your daughter to see your faith and trust in God, and for peace and comfort in Him.

Oh Emily. I am so so sorry. I don't even know what to say. I have been thinking of you a lot lately and wondering how it was all going. I am really sorry to hear that this happened again. I can only imagine how hard this must be. I will certainly be praying for you-for your heart, your relationship with God and for Him to bless you with a healthy baby in His perfect timing. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of this again.

I am so sorry for your loss. There are no words that can replace those feelings. My cousin had a similar story...got pregnant easily with her first, took awhile for her to get pregnant with the next and by the time she finally did, she had twins! I hope that God blesses you immeasurably when the time is right. I will be praying because your sweet family deserves more little ones.

Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. It's funny you said twins because we continually have signs that we will someday have twins. We shall see. Also, thank you for the prayers. They are greatly appreciated.

Emily, just browsing through my Bloglovin' feed and ran across this post. I know it has been almost a month now, but I just HAD to comment. My daughter has shared your same grief 4 times. She and her husband have a little boy that will be 7 in Oct. They began trying to have another child when he was 2 1/2. She had zero problems with her first pregnancy, got pregnant right away and had no issues with the pregnancy. To make a very long story shorter, she lost 4 babies in the next 3 years, One at 14 weeks, at 11 weeks, 13 weeks and 19 weeks. She had to actually deliver the one at 19 weeks. It was so horrible! She saw Perintologist in Oklahoma City and in Kansas City to no avail, they could find no reason, which just added to their frustration. She and her husband are wonderful Christians and know that God is indeed in control and they just begin to lay it at His feet and seek his will for what they should do. Our SIL was transferred last summer to Mt. Pleasant, TX and she got the name of a respected obstetrician there and they went to discuss their situation with him. He had read her file and was up on all they had been through before the app't and he saw that they had seen the best of the best to try and figure out why this was happening. He was shocked that none of the Drs. had suggested that she had a blood clotting disorder. He immediately started her on an daily asprin regime and told her that if they did decide to try again that he would start her on blood thinner shots as soon as she knew she was pregnant and that he would confer with a Perintologist in Dallas as well. In Jan of this year they decided to try ONE more time and she got pregnant immediately. The Dr. started on her the blood thinning shots, sent her to see the Perintologist who totally agreed with what her local Dr. was doing. She went every two weeks until she was 20 weeks and has done absolutely beautiful and will be having another little boy around Oct. 14th. Her Dr and the Perintologist in Dallas could not believe that the other specialist she had seen had not come up with this diagnosis. It is really a simple fix, two shots daily for the entire pregnancy. It may sound hard but like you, they would do whatever necessary to see this pregnancy to the end. She has done beautifully, feels good and they give all the praise and glory to the Lord for putting them in touch with this Dr. in Mt. Pleasant, all because of a job promotion. I told you all this because this may well be your issue. We have now heard of many young ladies that encounter this after a healthy first time pregnancy. May the Lord give you peace and comfort as you wait upon Him and may He give you the desire of your heart in His time. Blessings abundant!!!!

Hi Emily. You don't know me...not even sure how I found your blog, although I'm a longtime follower, but I worked at HBU when your husband was there - we did Summer Orientation together. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that although we are strangers, I think and pray for you often and just know that things will work out how they should eventually. We just can't see it now. Your family is so beautiful. I pray that you can hold on to them to get you through this yuck time. I can't imagine what you are going through and won't try to relate. Just wanted you to know that you have another person in your corner praying over you. I also think it's so admirable and brave that you wrote this post. I know it will help so many others.

Thank you so much for your prayers. I have had a really hard several days so to know that someone is praying for me and my family, someone I don't even know, is a huge blessing to me. Your comment is literally a bright spot in my week. Thank you so much :)