The Donahues Episode 82

In 2005, Ryan discovers life’s challenges but also discovers something about himself and his friend Brennan at a an all-night daycare thing, Madeline likes her first boy and Jacob suffers from insomnia

Submitted:Mar 28, 2013
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THE DONAHUES

"LIKE EIGHT YEARS AGO"

TV-MA L

"See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over
and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of
catapult the propaganda"

President George W. Bush

(We start with a 39-year old Ethan Donahue and a 38-year old
Kimberly Donahue sitting at the Donahue breakfast table in late
August 2005. They are both looking at Hansbay Quintessential
newspapers with the headlines "HURRICANE KATRINA DISASTER" and
"FEMA DIRECTOR BROWN UNSURE OF TOTAL HORSE CASUALTIES")

KIMBERLY: This is absolutely awful.

ETHAN: I know. Those poor people in the gulf coast.

(Kimberly puts down her newspaper)

KIMBERLY: You don't think President Bush bears any responsibility
for the extremely slow response to this disaster?

JACOB: I just couldn't. It never happened. I pretty much know how
many speckles are on our ceiling.

ETHAN: How many?

JACOB: I lost count at five. The point is, I'm pretty tired.

ETHAN: Jacob, you can't have a sleep schedule like that. You're
going to be falling asleep in class and fifth grade teachers
don't mess around, they will send you right to the principal's
office, this ain't fourth grade anymore, no sir, this is FIFTH
grade, the big leagues.

JACOB: They said that about fourth grade.

ETHAN: And they were right.

KIMBERLY: I'm going to make you a healthy breakfast to at least
get some energy for you. (Kimberly starts to get up, but then a
ten-year old Ryan comes in. He's wearing a striped collared shirt
and jeans with shorter black hair) I'll make some for Ryan too,
my little fourth grader!

RYAN: I'm so excited for fourth grade! I'm gonna have a blast!

(Kimberly kisses Ryan on the head and goes into the kitchen)

ETHAN: Yes you are. What happened to your hair, kiddo?

KIMBERLY: I'll tell you later, Ethan.

ETHAN: Uh…okay. I heard you had a blast over the weekend, Ryan.

RYAN: Yeah, my daycare had this all-nighter at an arcade, Brennan
and I had a lot of fun!

ETHAN: Did you remember to follow my rules?

RYAN: Yeah, I didn't make eye contact with the janitors.

ETHAN: Good. So what'd you do there?

RYAN: Um, you know…I had fun.

(Ryan walks away)

ETHAN: He's being secretive.

(Cut to Saturday, August 27, 2005. A ten-year old Ryan with
relatively long, more even hair than before and a ten-year old
Brennan, who is also dressed like a normal non-emo kid, are
sitting in the back of a van with an eleven-year old Scott
Alexander and a twelve-year old Kyle Lautenberg. The side of
their bus says "Children's Barnyard". Inside the van, a censored
version of the song "Hollaback Girl" by Gwen Stefani is playing)

RYAN: I don't understand what Gwen Stefani is saying.

BRENNAN: That's my something. "That's my" is all I'm getting.

KYLE: It's shit.

(They all gasp)

RYAN: Oh my God, did you just say that?

KYLE: Yeah, it's shit. I'm twelve, I can say that.

BRENNAN: Gosh, I can't wait to be twelve.

RYAN: It stinks that I won't be twelve until 2007!

KYLE: Don't be wusses guys, just say it now.

RYAN: The driver could hear us!

KYLE: The driver could've heard me!

SCOTT: But don't you have like, a Jew shield?

KYLE: Shit you!

RYAN: Holy shit. Oh my God, I said shit. HA! That's awesome.

KYLE: Yeah it is. Hey, do you guys know how babies are made?

BRENNAN: Well, the male ejaculates sperm into the female vagina
which in some cases fertilizes the egg, which then leads to the
development of a fetus in the womb, and after a nine-month
gestation period, a baby slides through the birthing canal into
the hands of a qualified gynecologist.

KYLE: No, that's retarded. A man pees in a woman's butt and nine
months later the woman vomits a balloon with a baby in it. If
that balloon doesn't float up into a ceiling fan and brutally
savage the baby into pieces, the baby's balloon is popped in time
and it falls into a mother's arms.

RYAN: So, my pee can make people?

KYLE: Yes.

RYAN: Awesome, I'm going to pee on everything when I'm older!

BRENNAN: Wait, can two boys make a baby together?

KYLE: HA! That's called being gay and you can only make a baby
with another man in Massachusetts.

(Cut to Ryan, Brennan, Scott, Kyle and a bunch of other kids in
an arcade/mini-golf/go-kart establishment called "Vermontasia".
The black driver stands by while the kids listen to a girl in her
early twenties who works there)

VERMONTASIA EMPLOYEE: My name's Gretchen and I will be your
helpful helper during your all-night stay-stravaganza brought to
you by the energy drinks that will make you fat and unhealthy
when you guys are teenagers! (Gretchen pulls out an older version
of the "Monster" can) Monster Energy!

RYAN: I want it now!

GRETCHEN: Now, there are rules at Vermontasia. We lock the doors
at seven so your overnight stay can begin. First rule, do not go
into the back because that is where I will be making out with my
boyfriend during the night. Second rule, don't touch anything
that could hurt you.

RYAN: I would never hurt myself on purpose.

GRETCHEN: Good.

BRENNAN: What's something that could hurt us though?

GRETCHEN: Moving on to the third rule, no racing with the Go-arts
unless you were born on August 27, 1992 or earlier. Otherwise,
you have to have an adult drive you.

BUS DRIVER: That would be ME!

GRETCHEN: Fourth rule, no one over 250 pounds may drive the
Go-Karts.

BUS DRIVER: That would be me as well.

GRETCHEN: So I guess the third rule would not be you.

BUS DRIVER: Yeah.

GRETCHEN: The fifth rule is no running, no screaming, no cursing,
no bullying, although that one's not very widely enforced and no
crying. Seriously, no crying. The sixth rule is have fun and the
seventh rule is no two girls can go to the bathroom at the same
time due to the rampant nature of lesbianism.

LITTLE GIRL: Are you serious?

GRETCHEN: Completely.

KYLE: It makes sense.

(Cut to Madeline on the bus with twelve-year old Britney)

BRITNEY: We're living on easy street now, Maddie.

MADELINE: Why?

BRITNEY: We're in sixth grade, meaning we're superior to the
fifth graders because we were born earlier than them.

MADELINE: I guess.

BRITNEY: I'm gonna pick on so many fifth graders, you don't even
know.

MADELINE: You shouldn't do that, my brother's a fifth grader.

BRITNEY: Fine, then how about this fifth grade kid over there?

(Cut to an eleven year old Roger sitting next to Jacob on the
bus)

ROGER: Okay, I'm gonna wait in the bathroom and when people go
into the stalls, I'm gonna jump up over them and look down into
it and yell "take a piss already!"

JACOB: Are you sure that's a good idea?

ROGER: What do you have that's better?

JACOB: Something that's not…gay.

ROGER: Why is looking into bathroom stalls and yelling things at
people taking pisses gay?

JACOB: Because it would be even funnier if we threw glitter on
them when we did it!

ROGER: YES!

(They high-five and then an eleven-year old Beckett peeks his
head in from the seat behind them, he has a black eye)

BECKETT: Hey guys!

(They gasp. Cut back to Britney and Madeline)

MADELINE: No, that's a friend of my brother's. What about Adam
over there?

(Cut to a twelve-year old Adam delicately strumming on a guitar
and looking out the window in a contemplative reverie. Cut back)

BRITNEY: Oh, he's not a fifth grader. But he is the boy of my
dreams.

MADELINE: You like him?

BRITNEY: Yeah.

MADELINE: Like, you like-like-like-like him? Like?

BRITNEY: How many "like" boxes do I have to check? I like him!

MADELINE: Wow.

BRITNEY: It's about time you get in the game, Maddie. That Asian
girl is getting more guys than you ever did.

MADELINE: I guess I just never saw guys like that.

BRITNEY: You're in sixth grade now, hon. Guys aren't yucky
anymore. And the only way girls are yucky is if they're ugly or
dumb.

MADELINE: Really?

BRITNEY: No, just ugly. See the world through my eyes, and you'll
see boys.

(The bus stops. The driver opens the bus doors and the students
funnel out. Cut to Jacob, Roger and Beckett, along with other
students, in a classroom being taught by a thin woman with brown
hair named Mrs. Glibmaster)

MRS. GLIBMASTER: Alright, class, welcome to the first day of
fifth grade. I'm Mrs. Glibmaster. Usually at this point we would
go around the room and have everyone share something they did
over their summer, but I honestly don't want to feel like an
underpaid underprivileged plebian right now while you guys
describe how you toured the pyramids and found them "aight".

BLACK KID: Is that a snipe towards me?

MRS. GLIBMASTER: No, it is not. Although I'm sorry about your
family in New Orleans.

BLACK KID: I don't have a-

MRS. GLIBMASTER: Today we're going to learn about how great a man
Christopher Columbus was. He invented America and never touched a
single hair on a Native American's head. (Cut to Jacob, who is
asleep)I'm sorry, I just-URGGGHH, I can't concentrate when a kid
is sleeping. Excuse me? Could you wake him up?

(Roger shakes him awake)

JACOB: AH! Hi.

MRS. GLIBMASTER: Hi. Thanks for joining us. What's your name?

JACOB: Jacob Donahue.

MRS. GLIBMASTER: Word of advice, Jacob. Don't sleep in my class
unless you want a star to be removed from your pouch.

JACOB: You wouldn't. I worked HARD for that pouch!

ROGER: it's the first day!

MRS. GLIBMASTER: Let me just tell everyone here something. I will
remove a star from your pouch at a MOMENT'S notice. I am a sick
fuck. (Everyone gasps) Fun, I meant to say.

JACOB: You're a sick fun?

MRS. GLIBMASTER: Just stay awake or the star gets it. Now-

(Mrs. Glibmaster drones on)

JACOB: God, I can't stay awake.

KID RIGHT NEXT TO JACOB: How do you know you're not asleep right
now? What if you've been in a coma for five years and you're just
imagining this all? Or, what if you are God?

JACOB: Stop. Thanks.

ROGER: Try dirt biking nigga, it really gets the blood flowing.

JACOB: I need something I can do right now.

ROGER: Well, you're in luck. I just got my first cell phone.

(Roger takes out a flip phone and flips it open, causing everyone
to stare at it)

JACOB: Oh my God, that's awesome!

ROGER: Isn't it? I got two contacts on this baby and one of them
is my brother's dealer.

JACOB: Dealer of what?

ROGER: I don't know, but I intend to find out.

MRS. GLIBMASTER: I'M SORRY! URRGGGHHHH! Phones are not allowed in
this classroom! Give me it. (Mrs. Glibmaster goes over to Roger
and Roger hands her the phone, which she then puts at her desk
and she walks back to the front of the classroom) You can get it
back when God floods New Orleans-(Roger begins to get up) AH! Let
me finish…again. Sit down. (Roger sits down) Now-

(She drones on again)

ROGER: Sorry, bro.

JACOB: Ugh. (Cut to Jacob lying awake in his bed at night, which
has sheets that have stars and planets on them) Um…shouldn't I be
asleep by now? It's like, almost ten thirty. (Jacob checks the
alarm clock next to him and it says "1:00 AM TUES AUGUST 30
2005") Wow, not close. About three hours off. I've been lying
here for that long. How do I pass the time? (Jacob gets up and
goes to his closet, which has numerous Hot Wheels and model cars)
I guess I could organize an illegal street race here by the side
of the dresser. (Cut to Jacob next to the dresser in his room
with nothing but his closet light on. Five Hot Wheels are lined
up right next to each other. Jacob is meanwhile pretending to be
the drivers of the sundry vehicles talking trash) I'm gonna kick
your ass, McCulsky! Not a chance, McCaskey! You got your mother's
under pants in there, butthole? That was a diss! Suck donkey
balls, McCulsky! I learned that from TV. Three, two, one, GO! (He
pushes two cars ahead, then the rest in quick succession, but
they don't go very far on the carpet) Oh yeah. No motors. Well,
crap. What the heck am I supposed to do now? Why is it that I was
tired during school but not now? Wait, maybe I can sleep in the
same bed as mom and dad! They're warm bodies will warm me to
sleep.

(Jacob walks out of his room. Cut to Ethan and Kimberly in bed.
Jacob comes in and jumps on the bed)

KIMBERLY: I'll put on C-SPAN. (Kimberly gets up and takes Jacob's
hand and leads into the living room. He lays on the couch and
Kimberly puts a blanket on him and uses the remote to turn on an
antiquated black box television characteristic of the late 90s
and early 2000s. She switches over to C-SPAN, where Senator Ted
Stevens is presiding over the Senate in an earlier recording of
Senate activities from July 29, 2005) This'll lull you to sleep
in a heartbeat kiddo, unless Stevens starts yelling.

(Kimberly kisses Jacob's head and goes back into her room as
Jacob looks at the TV)

SENATOR STEVENS: Under the previous order the leadership time is
reserved, under the previous order the Senate will proceed to the
consideration of the conference report to accompany House Bill
2361, which the clerk will report.

(Cut to one hour later. Jacob is still awake and now Senator
Patty Murray (D-WA) is speaking on the floor of the Senate)

SENATOR MURRAY: Um, when you just incur inflation, the VA is
spending twenty-five percent less per patient than in fiscal year
2000.

(Cut to an hour later, an excessively bored but still awake Jacob
is watching Senator Pete Domenici (R-NM) talk on the floor)

SENATOR DOMENICI: Mr. President, this energy bill will create
jobs for our country. More secur-more secure jobs. And we will be
using cleaner energy in the future. And this will happen across
America and it will happen in the state of Wisconsin.

(Cut to four hours later, at 6AM in the morning. Jacob is still
awake watching Senator Ted Kennedy on the floor of the Senate)

SENATOR KENNEDY: My friend, uh, um, the Republican amendment says
that we should study the problem of cop killer bullets, our
police officers are the ones that are in the line of fire.

ETHAN: Could you stop putting ellipses in all your sentences and
just get to the point?

JACOB: What are……………………..elipses?

ETHAN: Okay, you need to go to school regardless of whether you
got any sleep. For the last two days.

JACOB: ……….Awesome.

(Cut to Madeline and Kyle in art class molding clay pots)

MADELINE: God, I hate working with clay.

KYLE: Why?

MADELINE: Because it makes my hands all messy.

KYLE: I like to work with it so I can put holes in the clay so
they can explode in the oven.

MADELINE: Why would you want that?

KYLE: Because explosions are cool!

MADELINE: You don't get to see it, though.

KYLE: But knowing it happened is enough for me.

(Madeline giggles)

MADELINE: What's your name?

KYLE: I'm Kyle Lautenberg.

MADELINE: I'm Madeline Donahue.

KYLE: Donahue? Wait, do you have a brother named Ryan?

MADELINE: Yeah, he's a 4th grader, do you know him?

KYLE: Yeah, we go to the same daycare. We were at an all-night
sleepover a few days ago.

(Cut to Ryan and Brennan playing a shooting game at the
Vermontasia Arcade with those plastic red and blue guns, shooting
them profusely)

RYAN: DIE! Take that giant bug!

BRENNAN: I love how deep this game is.

(Cut to a shot of the game they're playing. It is a poorly-done
cell shaded game where Ryan and Jacob are two archeologists in a
car being chased by giant spiders. One of the archeologists is an
incredibly thin and incredibly explicitly dressed archeological
assistant and the other is a mixed-race man of average size and
height. He stops firing the gun and turns towards the camera
while an incredibly long bar of skin protrudes from his face and
goes off camera in what is likely an austere glitch)

RYAN: I really felt like he just stated what we all saw was
happening.

BRENNAN: And apparently has a long tumor coming from his face.

(Ryan laughs. Cut back to the game. As the geologist fires at the
spiders, the hot geological assistant turns around and puts a
pencil in her mouth and puts her hands on her hips in a
suggestive disposition)

GEOLOGICAL ASSISTANT: What are we going to do?! You've got to
help us!

RYAN: Is she really being cutesy while they're being attacked by
spiders?

BRENNAN: Yeah, and it appears like-(Cut to the screen, the
geological assistant now has a bar of pink emanating from her
tits and going off screen) she has breast cancer.

BRENNAN: I'm like the only one who actually knows anything about
the female body in this daycare!

RYAN: I just wanted this to be a fun overnight outing but Nathan
had to ruin it.

BRENNAN: You're letting him ruin it! Just calm down, we don't
have to hang out with him; we'll go steal a go-kart.

RYAN: I want to go on the bouncy castle in the gymnasium.

BRENNAN: Great, we'll do that.

RYAN: I want to do it now!

BRENNAN: Okay! Yes, you're right, let's do it now! C'mon.

(Ryan sticks the scissors in his pocket and Brennan tries to grab
at them but Ryan slaps his hand and they walk out of the
bathroom. Cut to Madeline and Kyle in the art class working with
the clay)

KYLE: So, uh, art is pretty-

(Twelve year old Adam walks over)

ADAM: Hey, can I borrow some clay?

MADELINE: Um-

ADAM: Thanks.

(Adam takes Madeline's entire block of clay and walks away)

KYLE: Wow.

MADELINE: I know.

KYLE: How ru-

MADELINE: Cute is he, huh?

KYLE: Sorry?

MADELINE: He's cute.

KYLE: He just stole your entire brick of clay!

MADELINE: But he can lift a brick of clay, that's pretty
impressive.

KYLE: Not really.

MADELINE: I should go talk to him.

KYLE: Sorry, are we experiencing the same reality right now?

MADELINE: Shut up and spot me.

(Madeline walks away)

KYLE: Spot her?

(Kyle turns around and watches Madeline walk over to Adam who is
working with an enormous pile of clay right next to Roger who is
sitting there with no clay gazing at his flip phone)

MADELINE: Hey Adam.

ADAM: Do you want your clay back?

MADELINE: Naw, I'm good.

ADAM: I wasn't going to give it back anyway.

MADELINE: Right. So, what's up?

ADAM: Nothin' much, just clayin'.

MADELINE: I love clay.

ADAM: I don't wanna talk about clay, babe.

(Madeline sits down)

MADELINE: What do you wanna talk about?

ADAM: …Dreams.

(Cut to the art teacher on the school telephone)

ART TEACHER: You kiddin' me? Ms. Peters is a total slut. TOTAL
slut. How do you explain the lacks of an "R" in "MRS" Peters? You
think I'm making that shit up? TOTAL slut. If she had a brand of
energy drink it would be called "TOTAL Slut". I guess it would
have guarine. Condi Rice? TOTAL slut. She's banging Bush's brains
out, I guarantee you. Maybe that's why he responded so slowly to
Katrina because Rice banged his brains out. She's the Secretary
of SLUT. We don't want the smoking gun to be a mushroom in
Condi's SLUT! Oh, Terry Schiavo? She was a-

(Cut to an interested group of fifth graders on the other side of
the room, including an eleven-year old Alan and Luther)

MS. CONEHURST: You kids are in fifth grade and you don't know
what slut means? God, the media has not done its job in
corrupting your intenerate minds. Ask your sixth grade friends on
the other side. (She gets back on the phone) Hello?

ALAN: We don't need to ask them, they'll make fun of us for not
knowing. Look it up in Oxford's.

LUTHER: Is that like, a book of spells?

ALAN: What? No, it's a book of words.

LUTHER: Sorry, I've been playing too much Maple Story.

ALAN: Let me just look it up. (He takes out Oxford's and opens it
up) Wow, it opened right to slut. Slut means "an immoral or
dissolute woman; prostitute." It also apparently used to mean a
broken windmill. Does that satisfy you, Luther?

LUTHER: No, I need to call someone this new word, Alan. A
prostitute sucks on pee-pees for cash, so we just need to find
the person closest to doing that.

ALAN: Over there!

(They look at Madeline talking to Adam, seeming very
flirtatiously interested in what he's saying)

LUTHER: Wow, that girl is a total windmill.

ALAN: Slut.

LUTHER: Yeah, a slut.

ALAN: Let's spread the word.

LUTHER: Totally. When I got home, I'm IM'ing everybody I know.

ALAN: How many people do you know personally?

LUTHER: At least ten. Also, my IM name is LionDude70.

ALAN: My mom says I can't have Instant Messenger until I'm
fifteen. I hope people still use it in 2009.

LUTHER: They will.

(Cut to Madeline walking down the hallway of her intermediate
school. Everybody seems to be staring at her and whispering
behind her back. Suddenly, she walks past a slatternly looking
man wearing 18th century Irish peasant rags)

(Security drags the man away and as he's dragged away he
continues yelling)

IRISH PEASANT: YA STRUMPET! I SEEN NESSIE YA KNOW!

(They throw him out and while she still recovers from that
perplexing moment, Britney marches over to her)

BRITNEY: What is this, this, this, this GARBAGE I keep hearing
about you practically making out with Adam?!

MADELINE: WHAT?! I didn't make out with Adam!

(Luther and Alan walk over)

LUTHER: Oooooohhhhhh, that's not what I heard on the street.

ALAN: Not even close.

MADELINE: What did you hear?

LUTHER: We heard there was some first, second and third basing
going on in your art class today.

MADELINE: What is third basing?

ALAN: You guys did one of those butt bumps.

MADELINE: Not true on either count.

BRITNEY: Madeline, I'll have you know that I called dibbity dibs
on Adam.

MADELINE: Dibbity dibs?

BRITNEY: Yes! That is binding!

LUTHER: She's right.

MADELINE: Who the hell even are you?

LUTHER: I'm Luther, sweetheart.

ALAN: I'm Alan. Nice ta greet ya.

LUTHER: Nice.

(They high-five)

MADELINE: Not nice, you guys are believing a rumor about me that
is completely false!

LUTHER: Well, to be fair, we spread the rumor.

MADELINE: Then how did you "hear the rumor on the street"?

ALAN: Because, we spread it? I mean, how is this hard?

MADELINE: I guess it isn't since you're just admitting all of
this to me! Okay? Britney, I didn't make out with Adam.

BRITNEY: Then why are they spreading this rumor?

MADELINE: Because, maybe I talked to Adam a little bit.

BRITNEY: A little bit is too much, Maddie! Dibbity-dibs!

LUTHER: That's a legally binding kid contract.

ALAN: It'll hold up in Kid Court any day. Speaking of which,
watch Kid Court, now on Nickelodeon right after The Suite Life of
Zack and Cody and before watching a SpongeBob lunch box for half
an hour.

LUTHER: Who are you talking to?

ALAN: I'm going to get a show on Nick one way or another, I don't
want to have to work hard all my life.

MADELINE: Fine, I won't talk to Adam anymore. Meanwhile, you two
jerks need to stay out of my business and stop spreading rumors
about me!

ALAN: Yeah, you're uh…you're right. But it was fun to experiment
with the word slut.

LUTHER: Yeah, I don't know if I regret it.

(Cut to Madeline in the lunch room. She walks out of the lunch
line with her lunch and nervously scans the room for her friends.
She finally finds where Britney is sitting and walks over there
and sits down next to Britney and her friends)

(The friend waits a few seconds and then smashes the can of
Crush, causing Crush to squirt all over Madeline's face as they
all laugh. Madeline runs off in a tearful dash. Cut to Madeline
crying in the bathroom. Then, cut to outside the bathroom. Kyle
is walking by and hears Madeline crying and stops dead in his
tracks)

KYLE: Is that…Maddie? Well, I have an idea.

(Kyle goes over to the water fountain nearby and takes a drink.
He then paces around a bit and takes another drink and waits. Cut
to Jacob dead asleep in Mrs. Glibmaster's class while she speaks)

MRS. GLIBMASTER: Moving on from the American Revolution to the
invention of the internet, we-I'm sorry, can someone please wake
Jacob up?

MRS. GLIBMASTER: He's not dead-you know what? I've had enough of
this. I'm taking his tired ass down to the principal's office.

(Mrs. Glibmaster comes over and slams her hand down on the desk
and Jacob wakes up)

JACOB: Hey! Yeah, I know Christopher Columbus was great.

MRS. GLIBMASTER: Come with me, Jacob.

JACOB: Damnit.

(Cut to Jacob sitting in a seat in front of a woman principal
named Ms. Jones)

MS. JONES: I am incredibly disappointed with you, Jacob.

MRS. GLIBMASTER: His name's Jay.

JACOB: No, it's Jacob.

MS. JONES: Jay, you disappoint me. Why are you sleeping in class
to such an austere extent?

JACOB: I'm just, I haven't been getting a lot of sleep, or any
sleep for that matter since school started.

MS. JONES: The belt, huh?

JACOB: Sorry?

MS. JONES: I've heard the stories far too often. (Ms. Jones
stands up and looks out the window) Kids getting the belt so
often that they become afraid to sleep, fearing that their father
will belt them if they fall asleep.

MS. JONES: Well. (Ms. Jones sits down) I took this job not only
because I knew a woman like me would not get a High School
Principal job, but also because I could stop abusive parents.
However, if you're telling me you're having trouble sleeping and
are expecting me to do something about it? Then I will. Um…drink
milk. Are we done here?

(Brennan climbs up the inflated wall and Ryan follows. They then
slide down the slide and to the end and they get off)

BRENNAN: Shit, I forgot my keys.

RYAN: Let's go back!

(They run around to the beginning and hop into it. They rush
toward the entrance)

BRENNAN: HUSBANDS FIRST!

(Brennan pushes Ryan out of the way as he laughs and Brennan runs
through the initial obstacle. Ryan gets up and runs through the
initial obstacle and then tackles Brennan onto the floor. They
roll around laughing for a bit until Ryan ends up directly on top
of Brennan, leading to them just staring at each other and
smiling)

RYAN: I really like you.

BRENNAN: Me too.

(Ryan kisses Brennan on the cheek)

BRENNAN: Why'd you do that?

RYAN: …Sorry.

BRENNAN: Let's get up. (Ryan and Brennan get up and look at each
other. Brennan uses his hand to move some of Ryan's hair out of
his forehead area) I liked your longer hair better. You should
grow that back.

RYAN: …I will.

(Brennan "hits" Ryan and Ryan falls to the ground)

BRENNAN: QUIET, BITCH!

(Brennan climbs up the wall and Ryan jovially follows. Cut to
Kyle on his flip phone, pretend-talking)

KYLE: So that's when the ball dropped, and I was like, it wasn't
me! (Madeline walks out of the bathroom wiping tears from her
eyes) Gotta go! (Kyle puts his phone in his pocket) Maddie, are
you okay?

MADELINE: No, I've had a crappy day! These two fifth-grade jerks
Alan and Luther from our art class spread the rumor I was a slut
just because I spoke to Adam and now Britney's friends are making
fun of me.

KYLE: Well that's not right.

MADELINE: It isn't right, but mostly I just don't get it. We're
sixth graders, we don't have sex!

KYLE: You've obviously never been to the Philippines, but yeah,
it's just stupid people making up drama for no reason. We're
still really young.

MADELINE: Exactly!

KYLE: You must feel pretty bad about yourself.

MADELINE: Well, yeah!

KYLE: You know what? Why don't you come over to my house this
Sunday for my family's Rosh Chodesh Elul dinner, it seems like
you need to get your mind off things.

MADELINE: Rosh Chodesh Elul?

KYLE: Yeah, basically we have a dinner, we light candles, we spin
dreidels, we trade securities, it's a blast.

KYLE: …I'll get her. If it takes me eight fucking years I'll get
here. Beyond that I think would probably be unreasonable.

(Cut to Jacob lying awake in his bed, his eyes bloodshot. It is
the afternoon)

JACOB:…I'm pretty sure I'm in the early stages of fatal insomnia.
Like I'm some Italian family or something or I'm worried an
Italian family will kill me in my dreams. I'm too tired to be
tolerant towards Italians right now.

(A 27-year old Rob walks in)

ROB: Hey, little dude.

JACOB: Who the hell are you?!

(Kimberly comes in)

KIMBERLY: Jacob, this is my half-brother Robert. Robert, this is
Jacob.

(Jacob sits up)

JACOB: Hey.

ROB: When can I meet Ryan? I can't stay long.

KIMBERLY: Ryan's won't be here until later tonight.

ROB: Damnit, I have to go to New York to face the music for a
drunken assault charge at five. But don't worry, I'm coming back
in seven years.

KIMBERLY: That's an oddly definite time period. Not to mention,
long.

ROB: I planned my life years ago. I planned this conversation
when I was eight.

KIMBERLY: Something about my half-brother, he's a pathological
liar.

(Cut to Jacob, who is asleep)

ROB: Wow, is he a narcoleptic?

KIMBERLY: No, he just hasn't been getting very good sleep lately.

ROB: I think I may have just the thing.

KIMBERLY: Perfect, I'd be willing to try anything at this point.

ROB: Just give me a few hours.

KIMBERLY: Fine.

(Kimberly leaves and Rob shakes Jacob awake)

ROB: Jacob!

JACOB: What?

ROB: I'm going to show you something you will love. (Rob takes
out a copy of "Harold and Kumar go to White Castle") I will pause
as many times as you want so as to answer questions.

(Cut to the two of them watching the movie in Jacob's room on an
old TV. They are both laughing)

JACOB: Pause, pause.

(Rob pauses)

ROB: His name is Kumar, not Kermit.

JACOB: I know, I'm not "Muppets" young, but I just want to know,
I always heard that whatever they're smoking is bad for you.

ROB: It's not bad for you, Jacob. It's natural. Shit, I do
cocaine and I'm fine, although I always have congestion, is it
hot in here or what, do you have a phone I could borrow?

JACOB: Yeah, I do. You don't have a phone?

ROB: I don't, word of advice, don't trust coke whores.

JACOB: So what does marijuana do?

ROB: It relaxes you, makes you laugh, makes you sleepy. But don't
do it until you're at least fifteen. You understand?

JACOB: Okay. But it is comforting to know it's there.

ROB: No shit.

(Rob unpauses the movie and they both keep laughing. Cut to Jacob
lying in his bed, peacefully asleep at night. The camera pans out
from his bedroom window to reveal the street they're on at night.
A transition occurs to modern day and the camera slips back into
the modern day living room of the modern day Donahues looking at
a memories scrap book)

ETHAN: Wow, those were wild times.

KIMBERLY: You sound like you're describing the first summer of
college, this was not wild, it was more…2005.

ETHAN: Wild times.

JACOB: I remember watching that movie with Rob.

RYAN: I'm glad I didn't meet Rob until 2012, I might be fucked up
on drugs today like Jacob is. (They all stare at him) …What?