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> Oh grand wise and all-seeing Oracle,>> My friend is a silly college freshman who is> registering for courses next semester. He wants to> take six classes, and is only permitted to take five.> He is attempting to decide between dropping Into to> Hebrew, Comparative Politics, Global Economy, or> Advanced Italian. He is obviously not enlightened> enough to ask you directly for assistance Great> Oracle, for he does not own a pocket protector, so I> ask on his behalf.

} The easiest way to decide is to figure out which one to} audit. Auditing a language course won't work. The daily} interaction and quizzes are necessary. Of the other two,} Global Economy is the least likely to have real content,} so it's the best candidate for an audit. If it turns} out to be good, take it next semester.}} The alternative is of course to switch to majoring in} mathematics. When you're taking linear algebra,} statistics, topology, advanced calculus and number} theory all at once, there is little incentive to add} tensor analysis as a sixth course.}} You owe the Oracle a nabla.

} Once again I'm amazed at the ability of humans to worry about incredibly} rare and unlikely dangers while ignoring the obvious and likely ones.} Like worrying about dying from Ebola, while shovelling sufficient} McCalories down their throat to power a Trabant on a trip round the} solar system.}} While it may have made the headlines around the world when James} Peterson's head exploded while trying to solve a particularly onerous} stochastic differential equation, he was just one maths student out of} millions the world over. And, in reality, once the grey stuff had been} wiped off the library's walls, life continued on as normal. And while} the government warns of terrorists and "dirty bombs" that would spread} hundreds of matrix pseudo-inversion problems through crowded city} centres, you may notice that it never actually happens.}} No, the real danger is not to your cranium, but to your social skills.} May I show a brief snatch of your future. A future that, as a maths} nerd, is unlikely to feature much in the way of that other type of} snatch.}} [Scene: The supplicant has returned home on holiday]}} Mum: Here's your food dear, and Sally, here's your food too.} Supplicant: Mum, you've given Sally more gravy than me, you always give} her more gravy than me.} Mum: Don't be silly, I treat you both equal.} Supplicant: No you don't. Look, I've analysed the data. Using a paired} T-test and the amount of gravy given to each of us over the last 500} meals, I can state with 95% confidence that you give her more gravy} than me.} Mum: I don't} Supplicant: p < 0.01!!} Mum: Why are you acting like this? It isn't normal.} Supplicant: May I remind you that while the paired T-test makes an} assumption of normality, it is particularly robust to non-normal data,} and I also checked my results using a Wilcoxon test on the ranked} data. The results are still significant.} Mum: (sigh) Oh all right then, have some more gravy.} Supplicant: No, I don't like it anyway.}} You owe the Oracle an explanation of how to sphere multivariate data so} that the covariance matrix equals the identity matrix. Either that or} get me laid this weekend.

> O Oracle most exalted I need you to glimpse into the future to answer> me a question that has weighed heavily on my mind for some weeks:>> So it's the year 2370, and you always hear about the Excelsior class> being the "backbone of Starfleet", but the things are over a hundred> years old! Why didn't the burden ever get shifted to, say, the> Ambassador or Constellation classes?

} Oh, please, get real and grow up! I'm sick and tired of people who} spend vast amounts of their precious time living in fictional worlds.} Do us all a favor and give up your pathetic little fantasy about} characters that aren't even real. Go out and get a real life.}} You owe the Oracle, Lisa, all the assorted priests and priestesses,} Zadoc, Kendai, Og, and the whole crew a heartfelt apology.

> Ambidextrose and resplungeant Oracle, you are looking> exceptionally omniscient today. If you had feathers I> would say that they are superbly preened. I, on the other> hand, am my supplican't self, unable to think about> cleaning your vast stables, even if I wanted to.>> Why can't I find my keys where I'm looking for them? Why> are they always somewhere else?

} Supplicant, in honor of your particularly prolix grovel, I'm going} to clue you in to a little known secret. Shush, don't tell anyone,} but when people leave the building, or go to sleep, many inanimate} objects come to life to live out wonderous adventures beyond our} (and by that I mean your) comprehsion. They are much smaller than us} though, so they try to keep their existence a secret. Really, not} a word to anyone. Sigh, I remember the story of Bally and Yarny,} those rascals, and all their mischeif. Oh, and the chronicles of} thumbtack, the merciless. Many grande and unusual events happen} when an inanimate object catches the whim. However, once a year,} they all congregate, in celebration of their objective heritage!}} Oh yes! The rulers of the objects, the toybox holds such spectacular} balls. All the items attend. Though most of the fun is had by the} stuffed animals, and letter blocks, all will generally attest to} enjoying themselves. Occasionally, an outcasted "unfun" object is} invited to the party, to try a new way of life. Because of this I} would recommend checking your toybox or under your bed. Perhaps if} you had not discriminated against your keys and shunned them, they} may have stayed more loyal to you. But don't fret, if you can rebuild} the relationship that you and your keys once had, they will always} stay by your side.}} You owe the Oracle photographic proof that the lightswitch is plotting} against him.

> Dear Oracle, my intent is to write a novel, preferably a> best seller. I'm going to do it over Xmas holiday. But> I lack a theme, a plot, characters and development. The> best I could come up with was from the Science Fiction> Plot Generator: "Planet 9 of Alpha-Centauri is used as> the cue ball in a game of galactic bar-billiards and> everyone dies.">> Surely there's a better plot, and YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS!> Help me, O Omniscient One, you're my only hope! (Please> throw in the theme, characters, location, development,> and all that stuff while you're at it, no trouble for> an Omniscience of your capacity.)>> Hold everything, I just got another plot! "Mars is taken> over by mutant diploid armour plated pterodactyls with> ESP and silicon-based DNA and is visited by good robots> who rewind time to before the disaster but then Earth is> invaded by nasty aliens and everyone dies." Crikers, it's> worse than the previous one. Best ignore it.

} Your best bet is to quit while you're ahead...} really... trust me... I know everything, since I'm the} Oracle. Let's take a look at your future if you do} what you intend to do:}} *weird swirly flash foreward special effect*}} November 2004:} --------------} After thinking a lot about a possible plot for your} sci-fi novel, you are inspired and develop the plot in} your mind.}} December 2004:} --------------} You sit down for a week straight and write an epic} sci-fi novel about the adventures of an omniscient} entity called "The Seer" and his significant other} "Elizabeth" as they journey through the cosmos aboard} the "USS Cansler" to stop an evil race of alien} beavers as they attempt to throw large numbers of} cellulose-composed cylinders at inhabited planets. To} briefully summerize the plot, The Seer eventually} defeats the beaver queen with the all powerful "Pole} of Zat." You then submit the work to several} publishers to see if any of them will take it.}} January 2004:} -------------} A letter comes back from Simon and Schuster. They love} your manuscript and accept it for publication. They} decide to really publicize the book like crazy.} Reviewers rate the work very highly.}} Feburary 2004:} --------------} Steve Kinzler finds out about your book and} immediately recognizes it as a complete rip-off of the} content from thousands of Oracularities Digests, which} are copyrighted material. He contacts the law firm} Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe, who have famously battled} Microsoft lawyers in several Oracularities of the} Past.}} March 2004:} -----------} Simon and Schuster abandons your manuscript. You face} an ugly lawsuit, with no defense. You are ripped to} pieces as the lawyers devour you. The end.}} *flash back to the present*}} But now that you have asked, the chain of events that} I have shown you will not come to pass. Why? Because} I'm the Oracle, and since you have asked, YOU OWE ME} SOMETHING!}} You owe the Oracle your solemn oath not to write a} best selling science fiction novel during Christmas holiday.

> Dear Oracle, after ruining your sports car, your private jet,> your helicopter and the planet Mars in my foolish attempts> at grand grovelling, I've decided to stick to simpler means> of transportation whilst proclaiming your superiorness and> my inferioritude to the World At Large. This time I'll use> a yacht that I found floating near your moat. I'm sure it's> not yours because its name is written in Mexican. It's called> TIO XX. Anyone with half a brain knows that Tio means uncle> in Mexican, and XX is the famous Mexican beer.>> Before I hoist the maine sail, though, I have to visit the, um,> what do you call it, the place where you can answer nature's> call. (I hate these fancy nautical words.) Oh yeah, the poop> deck.>> Hah! A bunch of people stood around watching me, but that's> the way it is aboard ship. If they didn't want to see me they> should have closed their eyes. They were all saying I should> go to the head of the boat, but I looked there, at the front,> already, and that was the wrong place. To hell with 'em.>> So I'll just hoist this specially made main sale that I brought> along, that proclaims ORRIE IS TOOO WUNDERFUL FOR WORRDS and> ...>> Oops, I've fallen overboard!>> I hope I'm not in the Bermuda Triangle! Last time I checked> in the supermarket tabloids I couldn't find it. The Bermuda> Triangle is MISSING! Anyway, HELP, and please tell me, where> the hell am I?

> Hail to the Oracle,> The incarnation wise> Whose ever present knowledge-base> Flits past this mortal's eyes.>> Hail from the supplicant,> The humble one who begs,> Who asks for just a drip of worth> From Orrie's goblet's dregs.>> Hail to the Oracle,> I give you my request,> Twix butter pure and margarine> Pray which one is the best?>> Glorious great Oracle,> Wonderous and fine,> May your great words of clarity> Come from your mind to mine.

} >look}} MAIN SOUND STAGE} You are on the main sound stage of "Cooking with Orrie," your bi-annual} PBS fund-raising special. The stage looks like a typical suburban} kitchen except for the 200-person auditorium and three camera setups to} the north. The wings extend to the east and west. A closed door leads} to the south.} Bright lights obscure your view of the auditorium.}} >inventory}} You are carrying half a stick of butter, a tub of margarine, and a} complete set of stainless steel Ginsu kitchenware (minus the} complimentary steak knife)}} Lisa enters from the east.}} >examine Lisa}} Lisa is wearing a leopard print chef's costume, and has obviously spent} a great deal of time fixing her hair.}} >talk to her}} I only understand you as far as wanting to talk.} Lisa leans over the counter. "I haven't found the recipe yet," she} whispers in your ear. "But don't worry, Zadoc is looking it up on the} Internet right now. For the time being just get them both out and be} flexible. You're on in FIVE." She sets a timer on the counter.}} >talk to Lisa}} Lisa is not in the room!} Lisa exits to the east.} The timer ticks contentedly to itself.}} >follow her}} I don't understand.} The timer ticks contentedly to itself.}} >east}} You are on in THREE!} The timer ticks contentedly to itself.}} >examine timer}} The timer looks like any ordinary kitchen timer. It is pointing to the} numeral TWO.}} >put all on the counter}} Tub of margarine: dropped} Complete set of stainless steel Ginsu kitchenware (minus the} complimentary steak knife): dropped} The timer ticks contentedly to itself.}} >find butter}} The half-stick of butter is not in the room!} The timer ticks contentedly to itself.}} >east}} You are on in ONE!} The timer ticks contentedly to itself.}} >inventory}} You are carrying nothing.} The timer DINGS! contentedly to itself.}} ON THE AIR} This show is made possible in part by the generous contributions of} supplicants like you. Today on "Cooking with Orrie", the Usenet Oracle} is going to demonstrate the proper method for creating his famous} "Delphic Delights" after dinner sweets. Many have tried and all have} failed to replicate the distinctive taste of these bits of baked} ambrosia, but today The Oracle himself will reveal the secret to} successful Delphic Cooking.}} >find lisa}} Lisa is not in the room!} The audience looks at you expectantly.}} >examine kitchen}} The kitchen contains all the paraphernalia of a normal suburban} kitchen, with the addition of three ovens, two giant mixing bowls, a} full set of stainless steel Ginsu kitchenware (minus the complimentary} steak knife), an industrial zotting machine, and a stove, on top of} which is a giant cookpot. A door to the south leads to a black} curtain, and the wings extend to the east and west.} The audience looks at you expectantly.} You hear a muffled thumping noise.}} >examine pot}} Which pot, the one the stove or in the plastic bag?} The audience looks at you expectantly.} You hear a muffled thumping noise.}} >examine noise}} The muffled thumping appears to be emanating from behind the door to} the south. Occasionally you hear a whimper, as of some animal in pain.} The audience looks at you expectantly.} You hear a muffled thumping noise.}} >open door}} As you jerk the door wide open you hear a loud scream, and see} something white flit behind a curtain.} The wrapper from a half-stick of butter falls to the floor.} A leopard print chef's costume falls to the floor.}} >tear curtain}} You reach up and gather a great handful of cloth, then pull downwards} with your mighty Oracular strength. The black curtain tumbles to the} ground revealing Zadoc and Lisa, both completely nude and covered in} butter, cowering in the corner.}} >take margarine, put it in pot on stove}} Tub of margarine: taken} Into the giant cookpot you throw the margarine, which immediately melts} and begins to boil excitedly.} Lisa screams.}} >take zadoc, put him in pot on stove}} Zadoc: taken} As you dangle the squirming priest above the bubbling pot of oil you} ask him a single question.}} "Why?"}} Zadoc: "I'm not going to beg. I did it because margarine just doesn't} do the job, you know? Sometimes, when you need a field expedient and} find yourself short, there's just no substitute for the real thing.} And you had the last half-stick. That reminds me of a funny-" You let} him drop, then turn to the audience.}} "Ladies and gentlemen, the secret ingredient to ALL Delphic Delights is} adultery. Adultery will add spice to any food, but always, ALWAYS, let} it be someone else's."}} You would have said more, but were interrupted by an outrageously long} pledge drive.}} YOU HAVE WON- BUT LOST AT THE SAME TIME, CUCKOLD!} ****************************************************************}} "Before you'd posed the question} And given your request,} 'Twixt butter pure and margarine} I'd thought the former "best".}} But now I'm forced to say} That neither one's more fit,} It all depends on context} And what you do with it."}} You owe the Oracle a pair of horns.

} Well, the real reason is that the carbonic acid (H2CO3) present in the} drinks breaks up into CO2 and H2O; the CO2 being the part providing the} fizz. If the drink is open, then the CO2 escapes into the air. Once} all the carbonic acid has broken up this way, there's no more fizz.} But that's a boring answer, so here are a handful of alternate} interpretations:}} The drink gets angry and tries to ZOT you. Being a carbonated} beverage, however, it can only FIZZ.}} The soft drink is actually a tiny casino, and the patrons wager their} fizz. Shaking the drink causes their dice to fall. The house} advantage is 5.8%, so they lose their fizz pretty quickly.}} The marriage between gas and liquid is quite volatile, and anything} that shakes them up can lead to a divorce so quick it makes Britney} Spears look like a bastion of commitment.}} "My god, its full of stars...oh, not any more."}} Roses are red,} Violets are blue,} When you shake a fizzy drink} It loses its fizz.}} So there you have it, supplicant. Shaking your drink enriches the} casino. You owe the Oracle a 24-hour marriage license.