'Gossip Girl' recap, 'Portrait of a Lady Alexander': In the family

After six seasons of Gossip Girl, it’s hardly a surprise when we learn that the new boyfriend on the block has been around the block. But I had to feel a little pain for poor Serena van der Floozy in tonight’s episode because I can’t imagine it’s fun to learn that one of the stops on your boyfriend’s tour de man-slut was your own mother.

But that’s exactly what happened when the Spectator blasted a story confirming that Steven (Barry Watson) had a once hooked up with Lily. That face you’re making after reading that sentence — that was pretty much Serena and Sage’s reactions, too.

They weren’t the only ones horrified by revelations this week, however. Earlier in the episode, Steven learned that Serena and Nate were, too, exes. That disgusting surprise is what actually prompted the couple’s decision to come clean about past partners. (I wonder how much would any of these clowns pay for a Mr. Clean Slut Eraser?) Unfortunately for Serena, even though she seemingly owned up to her past, there’s still one thing she can’t keep under wraps for much longer: Her crazy sex tape, which Georgina lifted from her phone after Serena paid a damage-control visit to Don Dan earlier in the episode.

On the subject of Dan: What a douche. Sorry, I love Dan. He’s always been fun to root for and is always nice enough to wear shirts that complement his chest hair, but I don’t know what to do with him anymore. Here’s hoping spending some time at Casa de Blair sets him straight, but part of me thinks he’s only there to get more material on her. That Dair seed that was planted at the end of the episode was a little too convenient to be genuine. Anyone agree?

Speaking of Blair, and, subsequently, Chuck… (Sorry, I know this recap has oddly been presented in the order of interest rather than chronologically. It’s been a weird week.) Dear holy Gossip Gods, please put this Bart Bass storyline out to pasture like Jasmine’s ponies! Luckily, it seems to be headed that way. As Blair summed up in a single sentence at the end of the episode (yay, convenience!): We found out this week that, Bart bought illegal oil and was purchasing expensive horses to hide the money. Meaning, if he is caught, he’s headed to federal prison. Now that they’ve put the pieces together, Chuck and Blair are now on a search for concrete proof. Hopefully they’ll find it soon. I will say this about this storyline, though: It’s great fun to see these two working together.

A few burning questions: What are your thoughts on the Bart storyline: Love it or leave it? Does Dan have good intentions or is Blair’s kindness going to bite her in her silk-robed butt? How many more episodes do you think Steven and Serena will last? Why does Sage dress like a hipster monorail salesman? And do you think “retirement home for aging equines” is a nice new nickname for Rufus’ loft?

QUOTEABLES (Feel free to contribute more. This is all that stood out to me.)

Blair: It says she was bought four years ago by Bartholomew Bass…for just under $1 million

Chuck: Is that a lot of money?

Blair: For normal people, yes

Chuck: I mean for a horse…

“International affairs is not my area of expertise. Well, not these kind.” — Chuck