Seriously, we have lived in this neighborhood for over five years. Five years. At no point have any of our neighbors been even remotely friendly to us (and that is totally fine with me...I am not friendly to them. I have very little 'good neighbor' in me.) We didn't even know their names until recently. There is a very, very good chance that they were even responsible for vandalizing our home several years ago, costing us upwards of $2,000 to repair/replace what they destroyed.

And now, we are just supposed to invite GanstaBoy into our home like nothing ever happened? I mean, aside from the fact that he might be potentially violent, is he not savvy enough to know that we know that he is blatantly using us? I mean, the DirectTV dish went up a month ago and in that month, they have come over several times. Including once to ask Brian for legal advice. HAVE YOU NO BOUNDARIES, my neighbors? You ignore us for years and then the minute we have something to offer, you are all over it like white on rice.

At least do the dance. At least pretend to want to be friendly before you drop the hammer of just watching football at our house. Offer baked goods, comment on the baby when you see us walking, give us something. Not because it's sincere (or it means anything to us), but at least you are following some of the dance steps of socially appropriate behavior. Don't just drop in on us all at once, smiling and acting friendly. Follow the steps and then try to use us. Please. I will give you points for decorum.

The only reason I haven't told GanstaBoy that he is not welcome in our home is that I'm afraid he's going to kill me. Or rob us, at the very least. I think I've seen one too many movies and worked with one too many criminals, because my mind just races with paranoid thoughts whenever they look in our direction. Not to mention, I am very bad at these kinds of interactions, and if I were to tell GanstaBoy to stop coming over, it would likely end up with a full-on gang war breaking out. Brian is so much more diplomatic.

I don't know how to handle this...the only thing I can think of is to take a page from Larry David's playbook and try to annoy the hell out of him when he does come over. Yelling at Brian to do more chores, dumping laundry on the couch loudly, perhaps pumping (or talking about breast feeding) in his presence. Maybe I should bring up CatheterGate? Or PMS? I'm trying to think of the most guy-repellent conversation topics.

My only other option is to make sure Brian's car is in the garage, and then just blatantly lie to the guy. No, Brian is not home. And yes, you can come in, but could you first empty the dishwasher and change a few lightbulbs?