this is a journal written to myself, open to anyone who wants to read.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

past few

i met up with rob and matt at the garden a few days ago. when we were working on a design a person in a suit came up to us and asked us what we were doing. he then gave us free drink passes. we took them then he asked if we just wanted to use the free drink passes right then. he asked us if we were vegetatarians we said yes and he said he was to. we followed him as he asked us what we ate. he said it was a smoothy, a tea, and a shake. he led us to a building without any windows and no sign. the doors were covererd in green drapes blocking light. we walked into the building. inside the chicken dance song played, people were seated around the room, while another person prepared the prodjector. i said hello as everyone greeted me, was like we just walked into a party. the guy gave me the tea and said it had orange peel in it. i started drinking it as i looked around there were smoothy containers. i asked him what this place was, if it was a business or a meeting place. he said it was a business for the community it was open 5am to 10 pm everyday exept for sunday. he said that the tea gives you energy and makes you lose weight. matt looked at the ingredients and said the first ingredient was caffeine. i asked him why it was free and he told us that is was free for the community for the first time. i asked him if it was vegan and he said yes, i looked at the container and it said that it contained milk and soy. he continued with showing us real people in the room who lost weight that way, as if we needed to lose weight. we started leaving as he asked us for numbers and gave rob a card wich he declined. we left weirded out by the experience of being in a real life infomertial.

after gardening my friend showed me a private place that was free if you had the code/knew who owned it. the place was vertically upsidown rock climbing of expert level. i could only get past two or three holds then falling down onto the soft pads one foot away from my back. it was so difficult. i want to get really good at climbing rocks and bouldering. i really enjoy doing that.

--

yesterday a traveler and some other people all worked on the garden. we all did 10x4 so thre is three times as much plots as before. im super stoked.

after that i went hiking with my friend. we got to the top just thirty minutes to closing of the daylight. we gathered wood and started a fire. at night it got so cold and windy that matt and i huddled around. mostly just him. after a hour or so the wind stopped and we both slept. he said it felt like it would take forever. i know that feeling of shivering for an undeterminable amount of time in the pitch of night.

i just went to a meeting for jedi vs sith and nobody showed. i think its funny and expected that facebook groups don't go beyond that. epic fail. im stoked about the larping next saturday though.

2 comments:

This blog and it makes me miss times that can never happen again because they are in the past. Even the time when you were annoyed by me or we were annoyed at eachother because I was dating your ex girlfriend, or I was being an asshole, or things with our garden project, or other frustrations about radical projects that didnt come to fruition in exactly the way I imagined them.I think you are a good friend Syd. You were pretty great to me in alot of ways that were lacking in my life. Your humor and enthusiasm and excitement and physicality are very appreciable. You are an intense fatherfucker in a good way sometimes.

I just read all of the entries that I hadn't read before just now, and also re read some of the old stuff. I like reading things from your perspective: it makes me see how small of a part of things I am in a good way that makes all my little problems seem like less of a big deal. It also means that when I am an asshole: people notice, but it usually dosent fuck up their whole day, and they will just move on. I like that it seems like you call em as you see em. Honesty is so fucking refreshing. Jacob wrote a zine recently that is really sad in alot of ways, and talks alot about doing intense drugs alot, but its so fucking honest and funny at times that I love it. I think its called 'Summer Forever.'Nothing is going on at Boing these days. Or at least never seems to be. I havent been over there and hanging out and involving myself or be goofing with people there. It isnt my second home like it was once. Every once in a while theres a cafe or a show or a party where a bunch of the anarchists and the related community of friends get together. But otherwise it seems like a life of the past....Maybe thats just me moping. I woke up and couldn't think of any reason to get up this morning so I went back to sleep. Everything sucks sometimes. But then it passes.

I think part of what bumms me out is feeling like alot of the stuff I used to believe in with a backbreaking passion just doesn't matter as much as I once felt like it did. But really: its probably fine because it means I am free of some of it and can make different choices now.

I have been working on art commissions, and comics, and the free school is going well: we have new folks involved and I have been coordinating some rad stuff like a plant medicine discussion and another squatting class (like the one you once came to) aimed at folks from occupy SLC where Andrew (from last time we had that class), and Corben are planning to talk.

I have been earning rent by working that job at the neuropsychiatric institute as a secretary, by figure modeling and I did an art commission for 300$. It was a watercolor of a rock formation that I want to go camping at with friends sometime soon. It is called Red Castle and is a huge red and purple stone formation that stands out from everything around it and glows at sunset.

I have some art projects that I have been lazy about working on recently but I think they are going to be cool and I want to put together an art show about humyn-kinds relationship to nature and webs of life between different animals.

(This is apparently too long, to I will continue it in a second comment)

(comtinued)I have been dating people off of ok cupid. There is this person who is a musician and is a real sweetheart , and is also kinda awkward and an ex mormon, and a virgin. There is also a guy who is into philosophy and seems to like me alot. We hung out and he said he is down to explore this abandoned building on broadway that I pointed out to him.

I guess my life is just different than I ever thought it would be. I kind of hate people alot of the time and I am kinds burned out on the idea of community in alot of ways- I used to think that we all wanted similar things out of life and could live together and do radical shit. I thought that when I moved into this house with five roommates and helped pick people out that we could live as some sort of collective, and have house meetings and do rad shit. But most people are too busy with jobs and when they arent working they wanna get stoned and stare at screens.

They are pretty cool sometimes, but I feel like an alien alot recently. They all buy into dominant culture in ways that I have stubbornly dis-included myself from, and I feel paranoidly alien from them at times. I had just been working on projects hard core and just being super motivated in spite of it, but something broke in me in the last couple of weeks and it just doesn't seem as important as it did.

I rode my bike around and intentionally just rode around without an objective today. It made it easier to appreciate all the ornments in peoples front yards and people walking around and the way light hit the trees. I felt this combined sorrow at the disappointment I have with people, but also just this subtle beauty of things. It was weird. By letting go of some judgments and constantly thinking about how things should be different, life seemed more right.

I am sitting on my porch while my roomates talk to eachother in spanish. I have no idea what they are saying but I feel better with the breeze on my back and after getting all these stupid thoughts out of my head and listening to really loud radical socialist music from amsterdam, and staring at my stupid screen.

I know that you didnt ask to hear all this shit and I hope it isnt a waste of you time to read. I am feeling a little bit of nostalgia about last year and I would like to see you again. Me a friend of yours are going to the Reservation this year at some point. Or maybe I will get on a freight train and see you in oakland. Or maybe you will be in Utah. Or maybe not. No pressure. Do whats good for you.Thanks for the opportunity to say a bunch of shit.Reading about your life just seemed to make my life make more sense and made writing this out seem to be worth what it would take to process and make sense of my thoughts.

Write back and let me know if you are alive please. Everything else is a bonus.

-I am guessing you know who I am so I dont need to sign this. You pissed while I shit once.