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Ellie: Wild affairs that trigger a showdown

Q: My marriage fell apart and within weeks I met a woman unhappy in her marriage. Things started out with fantastic sex, no commitment, no emotions.

We came to love each other and talked of moving in together. But I knew she'd probably never leave her husband and we'd split painfully. Recently, she told her husband everything ... about me and the other men she'd previously cheated with.

The next day, she called to say they've decided to work on things, though she claims they've been only roommates for the past three to four years.

We went from constant daily contact to nothing. She was perfect in every way, except that she was married. I don't think any new woman I meet will compare to her.

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Overwhelmed

A: There are many women out there who are also attractive but are not married and not desperately seeking a Trigger Affair.

You knew the ending beforehand. Yet your neediness matched hers and you rushed into the affair, for its value to you at the time. Hopefully, you won't be that needy, vulnerable or reckless again. Q: I'm 22, he's 23, we're committed to each other; however, he's Muslim and I'm Christian.

Neither of us is particularly religious, although his family is. My family is strictly anti-Muslim and prejudiced, yet I cannot see myself happy in the future if I don't have my family's support.

If I seek my parents' blessing now, they'll find a way to end our relationship. Neither of us is financially independent, but the secrecy and hiding is stressing me out. I don't believe we should part ways and reunite in the future. I love what we have now and want to pursue it.

Meanwhile, we have difficulty talking about kids and marriage not only because we're so young, but also because of our parents' views.

Example, I'm expected to baptize my kids (even though it means nothing to me) and that's strictly forbidden in Islam. He says he'll do it if that's what I want, but he thinks I only want it to make my family happy. Also, he's then entitled to Muslim rituals.

Can you tell me about incorporating two religions under one roof? I need to find a way for us to be happy, compromising and not hurting our families. Is true love worth this constant uphill battle? Is there a happy ending for star-crossed lovers?

Juliet and Romeo

A: Shakespeare's "solution" was theatrical, whereas you two want a life. The most important ingredient in a bi-religious/bi-cultural household – beyond deep love – is maturity.

It's needed repeatedly, to help the couple decide which of their differences are essential to accept and which ones are other peoples' dictates. You have the love, but do you have that strength of maturity?

Be prepared that there are tricky negotiations ahead through life stages – with each of you wanting your family's support despite their differing approaches to wedding traditions, raising kids, responsibilities to elders, etc.

And sometimes, parents feel too betrayed to ever accept the union. Your feelings that you can't be happy in such a case are significant. Proceed slowly, until you're absolutely sure – either way.

Readers: I welcome those who are living successfully in a Muslim-Christian union, to respond, describing what's helped you work toward "a happy ending" and what hasn't. I'll publish a selection of your stories.

Tip of the Day

Beware of the Trigger Affair sought by those who seek a dramatic result.

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