Dear E. Jean: How do I keep my head screwed on in a world that worships youth? This guy I've been seeing for nine months is a high-profile musician in our town and lots of women find him attractive. And tons of them are cute and young. So while I'll continue to get older, he'll keep having his pick o' the litter! I'm very independent and more financially stable than he is (he lives paycheck to paycheck, devoting himself to making it in the music business). What's my next move? Do I stir up male attention to balance the adoration my man gets? I'm starting to feel insecure. —Uptown Girl

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Uptown, my girl: Learn from Sun-tzu. The enemy has tricked you. It's not you who must worry about getting older, it's your guy. Because in the music business, for every Keith Richards with a 19-year-old model, there are 8,800 rockers who are losing their young ladies (i.e., their fan bases) to sexier, hotter up-and-coming musicians. John Mellencamp, Dave Matthews, etc., have canceled tours because of lackluster ticket sales; and the competition between spanking-new 23-year-old and prehistoric 33-year-old musicians for local groupies is even more brutal. Thus, statistics say you'll have no reason to feel "insecure," because soon enough the young ladies will stop showing up at your man's gigs.A shrewd woman must question the obvious. Viz: When will you grow bored with the old fellow and move on to a hot-out-of-the-garage Jonas? And how many years must you mature before you consider a man who can actually buy you dinner?

The greatest book about the battle of the sexes is not The Art of Love by the Roman poet Ovid—though that is a seriously fantastic read. No, the greatest book about love is The Art of War by the Chinese general Sun-tzu. So gather round, my maidens. Lift your martinis and let us toast the heart-stomping tactics presented 2,600 years ago by old Sunny-tzu.