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La Crêperie in Key West, FL

Over the weekend I flew south to defrost. I hadn’t been to Key West since my 21st birthday, during which I got sloppy at Sloppy Joe’s and did other things that were equally as cliché. I thought the little island would be worth a second visit now that I’m slightly older and wiser and not as much of a lush (OK, I’m still a lush, but that’s beside the point).

The resort is stunning—worthy of expensive weddings and resortwear fashion shoots. The lobby opens up to a grand promenade leading down to a pristine private beach. Hammocks swing from slender palm trees, waiters scuttle about answering to your every whim, and two pools mirror each other, serenely inviting you for a dip.

My whim, for practically the entire weekend, was to lounge in a hammock. In fact, on Saturday, my entire day consisted of getting out of bed, getting in a hammock, ordering brunch from said hammock, and then slipping in and out of consciousness until it was dinner time, which was again ordered from the hammock while watching the most beautiful sun sink below the horizon.

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It was bliss. That’s not all I did, though. I was a rebel. I looked up the top things to do in Key West, per various travel blogs and magazines, and I completely blew off all the suggestions, which included such things as the Hemingway house (nope, not with that line), the lighthouse (meh), the Southernmost point (zzzzzzzzzzz), and touristy Mallory square (I think I’ve seen enough cruise ship passengers this month).

Instead, I give you …

The top five things to do in Key West, if you’re a Bitch:

1. Spend at least 12 hours in a hammock at Casa Marina (see above).

2. Giggle in delight over the ridiculously naughty dessert menu at Better Than Sex. All the cocktails have rim jobs (read: dipped in dark Belgian chocolate), and all the desserts are extravagantly rich and decadent. We had the namesake Better Than Sex, a cake baked in a “ménage a trois” of chocolates. There are even books full of dirty questions on the tables as conversation starters.

3. Have a fancy-pants seafood dinner. It’s fresh as can be, and island chefs know how to prepare fish right. We went to Hot Tin Roof, right on the water in the Ocean Key Resort. The service was excellent, the lighting perfect (the menus lit up when you opened them), and the food fresh.

4. Get up early to brunch at Blue Heaven. The place is known for its eclectic character and charm, with chickens wandering around at your feet, and a reggae musician hitting the metal drums from a stage. You eat in a rustic back garden, and the food is supposed to be superb. There is reportedly a lobster Benedict with key lime hollandaise sauce that is to die for. Alas, we got there at 1 p.m., and so the wait was an hour and a half. We were starved, so we waddled across the street to …

5. Brunch at La Creperie. Sit at the bar, which gives you direct view of the most hardworking couple of French women I’ve ever seen slap crepes around. It was mesmerizing watching Yolande Findlay and Sylvie Le Nouail spread the gooey buckwheat mixture on three crepe makers, and pile up the fresh sliced strawberries, pears, apples, Brie, goat cheese … you name it.

The breakfast crepes were phenom. We tried La Complète, which was filled with egg, Swiss cheese, and sausage (though you could have bacon or ham, if you prefer). The lunch crepes were even better. I had one with Brie, bacon, and chopped Granny Smith apple, which came with an apple slice on top. It sounds like an odd combination, but it was extraordinarily delicious.

We were so impressed—and mesmerized by Yolande and Sylvie in action—we went for a dessert crepe, the special, which is filled with homemade chocolate ganache, fresh strawberries, almonds, and raspberry coulis. And on top? Whipped cream, a big scoop of ice cream, sliced bananas and strawberries, and all of this topped with chocolate syrup, powdered sugar, and almond shavings. Out of control.

So there you have it. While you’re in Key West, I recommend you do nothing but stuff yourself with the island’s food. Because nothing makes a better vacation than that.