Senior Spotlight: Holidays not joyful for everybody

Alice Sawayer-Lockeby

Published
5:45 pm CST, Monday, November 26, 2018

Thanksgiving marks the beginning of the longest holiday season of the year. For most people it is a joyous time filled with excitement, fun and festivities. It is a time for sharing with family and friends; a time for participating in family traditions, reminiscing about the past and making plans for the future.

Unfortunately, for some people the holiday season is a time of deep, overwhelming sadness. The season can rekindle feelings of grief, aloneness and sorrow for those who have experienced a loss whether the loss was yesterday, last month, or years ago. The person may feel intense emotions--extreme anxiety, sadness, or hopelessness during the holiday season.

When we think of loss we usually think about the death of a loved one—a spouse, parent, child, sibling, or close friend, and that type of loss is definitely one of life's most stressful events. And, if the death was by suicide, the grief may be more intense and seem unbearable for those left behind to struggle with the unanswered questions.

However, there are numerous other kinds of losses that can also create strong emotions. The loss of a job, home, or finances, the death of a pet, or a divorce and its ripple effects are losses that can cause intense emotional pain.

When family and friends have come together to celebrate the season, the bereaved person may put on a mask to hide their grief in order to protect those around them. Inside they may be feeling panicky, fearful that the floodgate is about to break and all of the pent-up feelings will come gushing out and drown them.

You may find yourself wanting to rescue the bereaved person, but you don't know what do to or what to say.

First of all, it's important to realize that you can't "rescue" the person. The grieving process is an individualized journey that each person experiences differently. The depth, pain, and length of time are different for each person. However, there are some things that you can do to help the person cope along the way.

• Realize that you can't "fix" the person, nor can you speed up their grieving process.

• Allow the bereaved person to talk about their loss, what they are feeling.

• Avoid saying things like, "I know what you are going through," or "I know how you feel," because you don't know. It would be better to say something like, "I am so sorry that you are experiencing this," or "I can only imagine how you must be feeling."

• Allow the person to cry. It's even okay to cry with the person. Phrases like, "Oh don't cry," or "It's going to be okay," are not good, because at that moment, the person probably believes that nothing will ever be okay. The passing of time will help ease the pain, but things will never be the same.

• Ask the person what he/she needs right now and give them time to respond. Be patient. You may be uncomfortable with the silence, but the grieving person may need extra time to sort through thoughts and feelings before they can respond.

• Pray for the person, and with their permission, pray with them.

• Avoid phrases like; "You are doing so well," or "You are so strong," because that can cause a person to feel cut off from expressing their true feelings and emotions.

• Let the person know you will be there for them in the coming weeks and months, and then follow through. Don't make false promises—if you can't be there later on, avoid saying that you will be there. The grieving person will remember!

For the person who has experienced a loss, the holidays will never be the same, but with the support of a caring family and/or friends, that person can once again experience the peace and joy of the season.

Alice Sawayer-Lockeby is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Director of Public Relations at Central Plains Center. Contact her at alices@clplains.org or 806-293-2636.