5 Reasons the Atlanta Falcons Will Win Super Bowl LI

While they are technically only 3 to 3.5 point underdogs in this game, EVERYONE is taking the Patriots. With good reason. They’ve been here before, they have the best QB/HC in NFL history- not just QB/HC combo but the best QB in history and the best HC in history- and somehow the storyline of Goodell having to hand over the Lombardi trophy after that hatchet job he performed on New England back in September is just too good not to root for.

I completely agree with all of that. All of it. As a Jets fan, I’ve slipped into the Seventh Circle of Hell. Brady and Belichick are back in the Super Bowl. Again. The Jets are in complete shambles. Again. Even with all my deep rooted hatred for Brady/Belichick I still can’t get behind the League’s narrative. I want to believe so badly that it’s all built on lies and cheating but in reality, it’s probably only like 35% built on lying and cheating.

From concussion denial to not recognizing Barstool Sports- a media outlet BANNED from Media Row- Goodell is out here selling Wolf Tickets. Like how long do you think the list of banned media outlets/organizations for the Super Bowl really is? The NFL is the biggest media whore in the world!! 20 names? 30 names? Every year they have dozens of people asking dumb as rocks questions qualifying, in my mind, for immediate banishment. You’re telling me that Roger Goodall has never even heard of one of the outlets being banned? Hmm. If I were Andy Reid and this was the 2-minute drill, I’d freeze up with incessant brain farts thinking about throwing the “bullshit” flag. But I’m not Andy Reid and so I will throw it immediately and with vigor.

So while all the above is true, I still ride or die by one saying and one saying only; “When everyone zigs, you zag.” And it’s a major reason for why I’m as successful as I am as a 31 year old caddy.

Here’s why the entire planet Earth is wrong about the big game.

Reason #1 – Matt Ryan is a Fucking Beast

He’s got white-guy-apparel-swag for days rocking one long sleeve and one short sleeve. Sometimes he’s got a glove on the non-throwing hand, black and bad ass as fuck (the glove that is). He’s big, he’s accurate, cannon rocket for an arm, and he’s been a personal hero of mine since the BC/ Virginia Tech game in 2007 when Ryan came back from a two score deficit in the final 3 min and change to win the game, catapulting BC into the National Championship conversation.

They then promptly lost to unranked NC State either the next week or the week after that but still, it’s Boston College. Let’s be real.

The following video is a bit lengthy but if you’re an American, and you love American tales of courage and fortitude and success in the face of adversity and QBs puking all over the sideline then sir, I suggest, no I heed you to go take your morning shit with headphones in your pocket (total pro move, you’re welcome).

He’s smart, he has an incredible “Brady-like” work ethic, and he can make any throw on the field. Oh yeah, and he’s probably going to be MVP win or lose Sunday. Obligatory season stat drop:

373 completions on 534 attempts for 4,944 yards (Franchise record for passing yards and an NFL record of 9.8 yards per reception), 38 TDs (to an NFL record 13 different receivers) and 7 INTs. That’s a season completion percentage of 69.9%. I just heard Gronk accidentally giggle.

I think QBs on the Jets not named Fitzpatrick threw at least 7 picks this year but I digress.

If there’s a QB in the league who has a prayer in hell of taking on TB12 not named Aaron Rodgers, it’s Matt Ryan.

Reason #2 – Dan Quinn, in my opinion, is NOT to be Fucked With

Dude straight up looks like he could have been in a tag team wrestling duo with Val Venus back in the early 2000s. The best way to immediately establish dominance over someone be it Matt Patricia, the skeptical (liberal) media, or any random niff you bump into in life is to subliminally remind them of this guy:

You become so concerned with not getting cuck’d that he instantly has the upper hand. Distraction City, Mind Fuck City, Hello Ladies City.

Danny boy here is also in his 3rd Super Bowl in the past 4 seasons. He’s 1-1 but really he’s 1.5-.5 because I know as DC he didn’t tell Pete Carroll (who I hate) to not give the ball to Lynch, effectively setting Marshawn’s retirement in motion. So he’s lost one to this very franchise and his victory was one where his D made HGH-riddled Peyton Manning (first ballot HOFer) look like a fucking retard trying to hump a door knob.

Similar to Matt’s (on a first name basis at this point) chances of keeping up with Brady on Sunday, I think Quinn has the most realistically shot at holding his own against The Hooded One. Which to be frank, is just barely below a realistic shot.

Reason #3 – Atlanta is Prime for a Clap Back

So Atlanta sucks. No way around it. Pretty doo-doo sports teams normally. Lots of episodes of that murder show “First 48” on A&E takes place there. In fact, Atlanta is so low-down right now, you didn’t even realize that’s not a pic of the Atlanta skyline, it was Oklahoma City. This is the Atlanta skyline:

Marginally better. After Donald Glover got the ball rolling with the TV series “Atlanta” on FX which is fucking hilarious I think this city is a Super Bowl LI victory away from being slightly below (probably still a lot below) cities such as Nashville TN, Austin TX, or Charleston SC. I mean Baltimore won the Super Bowl twice recently and that city is totally thriving!!

So the city of Atlanta really needs this win. I can’t start to imagine the amount of transients and homeless people that Arthur Blank will start snatching up for diabolical purposes if this game goes the wrong the way.

Reason #4 – Rest In Peace: Georgia Dome

Roger Goodell avoided the AFC Championship game because he was legitimately scared of the Masshole hordes that would await him in Foxboro. Luckily for him the Falcons were closing the dumper they called home (insultingly pictured above) and so the NFC Championship game would be the last to be played there… Well Goodell couldn’t pass on that! Not with all the great NFL history and moments that occurred there.

Uhh…. Thinking…. Still thinking… shit.

Well there was that one season Jamal Anderson was doing all those Dirty Bird dances in the End Zone. Sadly he’s now playing with his own Dirty Bird in public gas station restrooms. Cumming everywhere.

Hey I’ve only been on the planet since 1985 and the Georgia Dome has been here presumably longer than that, maybe. I can’t just be able to rattle off the plethora of highlights from that hideous, outdated, dilapidated stadium. So moving on.

Reason #5 – I Will be Betting on New England

Going back towards that whole “Jets fan thing” I’ve decided to bet on the Patriots (-3). Now I know I just spent a lengthy post on why the Falcons will win. And I stand by those reasons. This last one may be the must glaring, obvious, and valid of all the preceding points. I will mush the Falcons by betting on the Patriots with the intent to mush the Pats. It’s a classic gambling triple cross situation. Tale as old as time really. Someone incredibly unlucky (me) and stupid person (me) bets on the opposite result they think will happen (again because they’re unlucky and stupid) and it explodes in their face Wile E Coyote style when the result they originally thought would happen, does. I call it the Triple Whammy Mind Fuck loss.

Like when Costanza did the exact opposite of what his instincts told him to do. Now where this gets tricky is I think that the fact I am betting on the Pats purely to mush, the mush may be reversed back on to myself and cost the Falcons, and my fake big brother Matt Ryan, a Super Bowl title.

Only one way to find out. Less than 48 hours away from kick off. Let’s go!! (Or Rise Up, or whatever). Don’t embarrass yourselves!!