Friday, August 12, 2016

Having the Good Touch/Bad Touch Talk With Your Kids

Posted with permission from a healthcare provider from a mom group I belong to. She didn't want to be attributed.

"Without going into graphic details, I probably get about 1-2 kids a
month in my office who have been sexually abused or molested. I will
address each of the things that I mentioned above in light of the most
common scenarios I've seen.

The location of an incident is
likely to be at a place where you are familiar. Places where I've heard
of this happening: known family members and friends are far and away the
most common. Perpetrators ages ranging from young teens to adults. It
is almost always a male cousin, known neighbor, friend's older
brother/cousin, babysitter, father/stepfather, uncle or mom's boyfriend.
Occasionally it is a female, but that's rare unless she is grooming the
kids to have access to someone else. Church youth group is the number
two location, usually because there is less supervision. School, camp
and sports are the other locations, but less likely unless there are
kids allowed to be alone with teachers and coaches. Ask the schools and
coaches and churches what their safety plans are to protect kids. It's
never perfect, but I feel at least they know there are aware parents and
it helps keep everyone accountable.

Slumber parties: I
wanted to address this separately because of it being a sensitive
subject. My daughter is allowed to go to a select few friends' homes
(like five families) for sleepovers. Never parents that I don't know
extremely well, which means she doesn't get to sleep over at school
friends' homes. Never large groups of kids, where one kid being
separated might not be noticed. That said, I can't tell you how many
times patients tell me the first time they were touched inappropriately
or the first time they saw pornography was during a sleepover. I only
get one chance to raise my kids and I'd rather be a mean parent who is
no fun than have the other possibility.

Please use
appropriate anatomical terms for body parts. Eyes are eyes, knees are
knees and penises are penises (proceed with the pearl clutching). Don't
use cutesy names or vague names like booty or wee wee or cookie or
treasure. It confuses the matter in case something needs to be reported.
It also destigmatizes those body parts.

Safe touch" vs.
"bad touch": make sure kids know which is which. Safe touches I usually
teach are the ones that are in areas not covered by your bathing suit,
like shoulders, head and feet. Safe touches are also those that make you
feel calm and safe, like a hug from your mom. Bad touches are those in
the areas that are covered up by underwear. They are also the ones that
make you feel nervous, scared or worried. If a bigger person is touching
you in a way that makes you uncomfortable, that is a bad touch. Always
tell your parents or other adult about bad touches. And let kids know
there should never be secrets between kids and adults and that they will
NEVER get in trouble for telling someone.

"Stranger danger"
is a fallacy. The vast majority of the time someone who molests a child
is known to the family. Beware of so-called "grooming behaviors". This
is usually from an adult male (or female) who ingratiates themselves to
the child and family to lower their defenses. Usually they will try to
establish a trusting relationship with the family and seek opportunities
to be alone with kids. They do this so that any accusations from the
child will seem made up. This has happened in almost every situation I
have seen.

Be aware of what kids are looking at on
smartphones and tablets. Especially from their friends whose parents may
not monitor things so closely. I usually tell parents at every preteen
and above well check that as long as they are paying for the phone and
the kid is under 18, it is their responsibility to monitor their child's
activities in social media, texting, etc. There are so many really
clever ways for kids to hide their activity online and parents are
almost always behind the 8 ball on this.

Most importantly,
trust your gut. If someone seems a little off or a little too nice to
your kids, trust yourself and keep your kids out of any situations where
they would be alone with that person. We have all been in situations
where you just want to be polite, even when someone is giving you the
heebie jeebies. There is a great book called "The Gift of Fear" that
talks about people forgetting to trust their intuition in potentially
dangerous situations and why there are times when you need to listen to
that spirit of discernment.

I don't lock my kids up and throw
away the key, as much as I would love to protect them forever. But these
are hopefully some practical tips as a mom and pediatrician to make
your kids feel safe and to highlight some potentially dangerous
situations. By the way, we start this conversation around 3 or 4 years
old in our house.

Welcome!

I always had a plethora of Facebook notes, so I figured it was time to cross over into the blogosphere. Here I talk about everything from paying down debt (First credit cards, then student loans) to relationships to politics (Go PRESIDENT Obama!) to sports (GO BEARS!) to sermon notes to people and things that irk me to the random moments that make up my extremely blessed life.

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