Thursday, December 10, 2015

Yeah, complicated decision! But why either? Well, I am an unhappy person and also consider myself to be a cowardly person. I don't stand up for myself and how I feel! I don't express myself because I never want to hurt anyone's feelings, so therefore I keep things bottled up inside. I know, it's not healthy but everyone is happy right?

So, I am not happy with my marriage. He is not the guy for me. Found that out long time ago but since we had kids and I didn't want to be a single parent, thought that was the best choice, the children having two parents to raise them. I have to say we did an awesome job! But now the kids are over 18, the decision is wearing on me! I don't want to me married anymore, at least not to him! Why you may ask!

We are not compatible in any shape or form. What I like he hates, what he likes I tolerate. Not a good match. Although we do have good conversations from time to time, he's not someone I want to spend eternity with! But when you get married your not just making a commitment to the one you are marrying you are also making a commitment to God, that's where it's gets complicated!

You hold your vows/commitment to God higher than the one to your spouse. So you or should I say I feel stuck in an unhappy situation. What do I do I constantly ask myself.

So then I start thinking Suicide! But that would leave everyone hurt, at least I think. This method would at least end my hurt but start everyone else's. But sometimes I wonder if they would miss me or what I do for them. I don't know! Sometimes the hurt is just too much to bear.

So what don't I like about my marriage: my husband clowns me in the sense of every little mistake I make he tells the kids, in a supposedly joking manner but it gets very annoying.

He also makes what I think are excuses of why he doesn't go out to do the inspections: he hates driving because of the way people drive, it makes him angry! Get over it!! He only has been going because of the company that he only works for! Other than that, I make the appointments, do the inspections, but he puts the work in. I guess that's okay!

When he drinks- his mannerism is what I think is awful. He just acts childish I hate that!

I don't feel comforted by him! I don't feel like I can let my guard down and not be strong for a moment! I feel like I always have to be the strong one! I do get tired!

I want to be able to lay in someone's arms and let loose in the sense of just opening up without regret! I don't feel as I have a best friend! The one I wanted to be my best friend isn't acting as such, so for as long as I can I am letting her go.

I removed her number from my phone. If she wants to talk she knows how to reach me! But that is hurting so bad!

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1/20/16

As of the last paragraph...I put her number back in my phone, texted her, she's fine! It's been a month, it'll be another month before I contact her again, maybe!! Not that i believe she cares!!

I realize she has her own life, a new life. So who am I to disturb that!! NO ONE!!!

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I don't think I am going to make it this year in this marriage!! I seem to get more depressed everyday!!! My reality sucks and it won't get any better!! That's commitment for ya!!!

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

I often try to figure out what's lacking with me! I think I have finally figured it out! My needs are not being nurtured.

How do I mean that? Well let's go thru a day in a life with me. Everything I do, eat, breath seem to be Social Media! I am constantly posting, seeing who is posting what, thinking maybe I can add something of value to the thought or conversation.

Now mind you, I have a husband who gives me "attention"! Why in quotes you may ask. Well, he tells me I am beautiful, sexy, all that good stuff....blah blah blah! But my thing is "what are you going to do with me"

It's like getting a puppy because he is cute! You don't walk him, take him on trips, bathe him, etc, But you're so in love with how his fur feels and how it makes you feel. But how are you making the puppy feel, he comes to play it be petted and you turn it away, or do it begrudgingly. That doesn't feel good so how much more so do people feel when you do that?!

Friday, September 18, 2015

Sitting here waiting for daughter to get off work listening to slow jams knowing I have no one to share them with. Hubby doesn't like them. Which leaves me to enjoy them by myself! Sad if I should say so myself. There is so much love that I have to suppress because I have no one, I mean no one to express them to that would appreciate it and return the feeling. This leaves me depressed!!!! Constantly!!!

I think I have reached a point in my life where I have grown and I feel as if my other half hasn't! Is finding someone else possible, of course but is that the answer, no!!!!

I am often wondering what I am looking for in life and a partner. I just feel crazy at time just want to crawl in a corner and die. I think I liked it better when I was naive. Was happier then.

I feel so out of place. Awful feeling. I await the new world Psalms 37:9-11,29 being patient is very hard.

I think I am just ready to step down from being the strong one, it's getting exhausting.....fast

Another issue I am dealing with, part of me have low self esteem, I know I am not the only one , I often wonder if I am really pretty! Not that I want any and everyone to talk to me but at least I think I would think I look good. Yeah, hubby says it all the time and that should be enough but it's not. You seems to have to wear form fitting clothes and reveal all your goodies just for someone to say hi, then if they did I would get mad right!!! Probably. Life is too complicated.

Friday, August 28, 2015

So, I had my pep talk with my friend who helps me put things in perspective at least this one particular thing.

I have often been told I have to do what makes me happy. But what's makes me happy does not make God happy. There's a conflict. It's not about me anymore. But if my heart isn't right then I am doomed anyway right?

Is this where I endure and continue to apply self control? So why do I want to cry!!! I am tired of this feeling!!! I feel like I have no one to talk to!! I feel so lonely!!

I have to figure it out, I hate hearing those words!!!! Wish it would all go away!!!!

Suicide is so ideal, but would anyone really miss me!!!! Or just miss what I do for them!!!

Am I missing the big picture here, being strong take such a toll! I just want to be weak for a change. Let someone else be strong for me!!!! I am getting tired, I want to lay down and give up!

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Thinking of seeing a psychiatrist. I am creating a world that doesn't exist and its driving me crazy. My reality some may say is a good one. Husband who "loves" me. Good children! I guess people like me, so they say. But I am missing something physically and emotionally. I don't think it will ever be fulfilled. After nearly 30 years of not being I don't think it will be so why continue to try!

I need someone to talk to freely without worrying about offending anyone, hurting someone's feelings. I just need to talk and talk freely!!!

Maybe I am suffering from general anxiety. I don't know, something just isn't right!

I think I allow my life into some else's hand, not a good thing.

I am not happy and I see opportunities passing me by but because of my current situation I can't do anything about it!

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Just sitting here thinking about my past. A must happier time, emotionally at least. Maybe because I was oblivious to life, whatever that means. I had a person in my life that made me very happy-emotionally, mentally, and physically. They just made me feel good and I miss that so much!!! Wishing I could go back into time. Now the person is married to someone else.

Realizing having something in common with your mate is so important especially when you get older and the kids grow older because then the focus is on the two of you. And you have to get along and like each other.

Friday, August 21, 2015

My mind have been going a mile a minute lately. My emotions all over the place. Suicide have even been on my mind a lot. But I already know that's not an option only because I have children, although they are grown, I still consider their feelings and I guess that's fair.

Where do I begin? What do you do when your heart and mind decide not to communicate with each other? When you KNOW one thing but your heart goes on the opposite direction despite you trying to rationalize with yourself. You do a reality check but your heart doesn't listen.

At times I just talk to God and ask him to take this feeling from me. It's hard to deal with. I guess when something is engrained in you and you try to change its going to be that way from time to time.

There are times when I wish I didn't exist. Times I wish I could go back in time and make different decisions. I guess we all do from time to time.

You can't make the people you want to fall in love with you. My heart hurts daily!!

I guess I want what I want. But for the rest of my life I have to settle because of not knowing myself enough to make a better decision. DAYUM!!!

Where do I start. It's been a while since I posted something, almost a year. So what's been going on since then. Well, I have changed jobs from per diem Home Health Aide to full time Commercial Property Inspector. I like it much better because I am not in one place for a long period of time. One thing I have noticed about me is that I can and do at times get bored very quickly if it is something that I am not that passionate about.

We get to travel a lot. So far it's been Jersey, Maryland, Virginia and DC. Since I enjoy driving and taking pictures, this job goes hand in hand.

It pays pretty well once they process the work. We can make anywhere from $30 to $60 a job. Plus when we go out of state there's bonus pay per job. So this is awesome.