A blog about self acceptance, embracing creativity and discovering happiness along the way.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

*gulp*

Hey. I have once again done a two week disappearing act. I have many reasons, of course: LOST, work, birthdays, cleaning and organizing. But as you can see none of those things listed are losing weight or exercising.

So today I got up bright and early, grabbed a naner and headed to the gym with my already-packed-the-night-before gym bag. I thought to myself, "Hey, it's a good day to hop on the scale and see where I am. I haven't done it in a looooong time so what the heck!" Well, 332 is what the heck. I nearly vomited on the spot. Folks, this is the highest my weight has ever been. EVER. Well, that I am aware of... there were a few years in my early 20's when I didn't weigh myself at all and was quite a lot heavier than I feel now. Needless to say that my stomach nearly fell out of my butt as I was hyperventilating (all on the inside. I mean, I was in public for goodness sake!)

I did this before my Strive class so I bet you can guess what I thought of the whole time I was sweatin' out to cams 1, 2 and 3. When the class was over and I went to the locker room to shower I took a moment to really look at myself. And what I saw I did not like. My perseption of my size was a lot smaller than what it really is. As I was standing there, dripping sweat, hair plastered to my forehead and my lower back, knees and heels hurting it finally sunk in just how unhealthy I am.

I can't really explain what I started feeling in that moment. A sort of calm heaviness began to settle in me... a determination in a way started taking affect in that far away place in my brain. I don't know what it means yet and I think I am just gonna follow it and see where it leads me. I have begun some changes that I am not ready to go into yet because I want to see how they pan out. The last thing ya'll need is me waxing poetic about what I "plan" to do instead of what I am doing. I will share in time, once I get a better grip on the situation.