“I Was There” Files: Chemical Brothers @ Hammerstein Ballroom

So, I’m gonna get real. I like The Chemical Brothers. I like Fatboy Slim, Bassment Jaxx and all those other big beat acts that made instrumental music to play in the background of 90’s scripted dramas that ran on MTV for one season.

Because of this provenance, the scene was very much like an old-people rave with squirrely Euro hoes smoking and hip gyrating recklessly. It was seriously fucking fantastic though. The shit was sold out and a kindly older jew bestowed his plus one on me.

It was a somewhat freeing to bust out my best uncoordinated white girl dance and thrust my hips arbitrarily in whatever direction my lack of self control afforded me. I wasn’t even one of those n*gg*rs who go to the white people show and try to dance like they’re breaking it down to Luke when they really should just sway with the rest of the ofays to Coldplay. Either way, shit was awesome.

Although they didn’t play Electrobank (they did tease the bassline like merciless Pro Tools-wielding demons) or The Boxer. Easily the two CB songs that keep my hands in my pants when no one’s looking. And the light show was awesome at first but eventually I realized I simply was not on enough drugs for it. Light is like, jutting into the crowd all three-dimensional-like and the shit makes me feel like I’m on some coked-up episode of Mr. Wizard.

And a cherry on the meth-pipe of the night was easily the Pussy Party at Rebel later on. I’d always been blowing off the parties only to finally attend and damn near blow the DJ for his troubles. Yo, can we talk about how they not only played The Bucketheads but they played the original song that Kenny Dope sampled from. There was all types of faggy grooves from Diana Ross to Dee-Lite that I just could not get enough of. Christ…I need that party to just happen again, like everyday of my life.

Anyway little ones, the moral of the story is meth makes concerts better and pussy is the only way to party.