Are you there God? It's me, Margaret. . .

My question of the week:

I knew that God didn't exist as humans perceive him when I first began attending a pentecostal church. I've always been interested in religion, and I thought I'd see what the fuss was. I entered, and for two years studied the bible in the most advanced classes that the church had to offer. And I went to sermon after sermon and listened as this woman, my youth leader, condemned everyone around her to hell. She could misquote the bible at will. She would call me up to the alter every week, in front of the entire youth group, and tell me that I was sinning, and needed to confess. She never could tell me what I had done. And, at the time, I believed her. I prayed hard. For hours, and weeks, and over and over again. I would cry myself to sleep (that sounds so dramatic, but it's true) almost every night because I was so angry and hurt. Why wouldn't God tell me what I needed to do? What could this woman see in me? What made me a sinner?

And when no answer came, I asked at youth group. My leader told me that I was going to hell unless I changed myself, and stopped my "sick homosexual lustings." I had never talked to her or anyone about that particular facet of my life. I was horrified. I prayed to God for anything, anything that could make me safe. I wanted to be a good christian. I wanted to go to heaven. It's been more than four years, and I've never gotten an answer.

I ended up discovering more about the world, and myself, and I no longer feel any guilt over any part of my life. Whether a "higher power" or "creator" exists, I don't know. But I do know that no human is able to fathom that kind of being.