How to Tell if Your Job Is Toast

Fear of losing your job colors virtually all other aspects of your life, found a new study in The Spanish Journal of Psychology. Come on, we needed a study to learn this? Anybody who has experienced fear of losing their job—and that means everybody in the world except maybe for Jeremy Lin (for now)—knows that it haunts your sleep, decreases your appetite, and diminishes your overall supply of scotch dramatically.

And yet most of you who are reading this are going to be just fine. Sadly, that doesn’t stop us from worrying. What's needed for every nervous person is an employment checklist that, if you answer yes to most of the questions, it tells you, “Relax, Bub. You’re gonna be okay.” Here’s mine:

Do you have a lot of work to do?

If so, chances are you are among the last people who will get spitcanned. Senior officers are almost totally "me" people. “You can’t fire [your name here],” they will say at the personnel review. “He’s in the middle of the slide show celebrating my new hair.” You’re safe—for another 6 months. So keep those 6-month projects flowing.

Congratulations. Nonsense meetings are proof of a flourishing business career. When the meetings dry up, it’s possible you will too. So get your schedule lightly festooned with the kind of gatherings that end with people asking, “What was the purpose of that 2-hour meeting?” It’s about being part of the vast web of flies caught by the corporation to feed its shareholders—and you are a proud part of it! Go ahead and pat yourself on the back. (Learn how to step up your game in a meeting.)

Does your boss call you in for no reason to watch him eat or drink coffee?

Sure, it seems like he spends a lot of time complaining to you about his wife, his teenaged son, and his golf game, but hobnobbing with your boss is a good thing. It means you're part of his psychological infrastructure. Cultivate that. It’s as close to love as some folks get, on the job at least. (Don't click with the Big Guy? Here's how you can still succeed in his presence.)

Do you sometimes find yourself called into discussions with executives who are more than 10 floors above you in the office tower?

Yes, it scares your pants off to have Mr. Vader turn to you and ask, “[Your name here], what’s your take on the whole Nofziger situation? Good investment?” But it also means you’re doing well. I suggest you have a number of possible replies to questions on which you’ve never been briefed, though. (Fair warning: You don’t want to say “I think what you think, Don,” as one former manager did in that situation. People still laugh about that.) Acceptable responses to questions include: “It’s attractive, Darth. But I’d have to look at the out-year scenario to be completely sure.” “I like it. But then, I tend to be kind of aggressive on these things.” “I can see why it’s garnered some support, sir. But personally I find I’m very wary of any activity that could be interpreted as a drain on our cash flow, even if it does have positive EPS implications. It spooks our investors.”

Are you having fun?

People who are about to be executed rarely enjoy themselves. If you’re digging what you’re doing, it’s a sign that something healthy is going on.

Those are just a few thoughts. As you consider them, keep one thing in mind: Losing your job is not the same as losing your woman, your life, or your home. One door closes and another opens. Chill out. You’ll live longer.

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