The art of suncreen application

Sorry, but there is no art, trick, nor right way of applying sunscreen to a hot and sweaty child. It’s much like learning mouth to mouth resuscitation on a crash-test dummy, great in theory but no comparison to the real thing. Here is what I have learnt:-

FIND AND SECURE YOUR VICTIMA child will not voluntarily approach if you have sunscreen visible in your hand so you need to be cunning. Otherwise, chase down said child, and employ the element of surprise to disrobe him/her before he/she realises what is happening.

DO NOT LET GO Use a distraction tactic (“I have a secret to whisper in your ear”) to hold your victim whilst uncapping sunscreen with one hand and dousing as much liquid on skin as possible because you won’t get a second chance. Again before he/she is aware, cover every millimetre of head, shoulders, knees, and toes, to withstand a nuclear explosion. Disregard the whining, “it’s too cold/hot/sticky/gooey/ yucky/burning”. It is guaranteed the sunscreen will leak into eyes so with your third hand or left foot, grab child’s hands before they do a better job of rubbing the sunscreen in their eyes than you ever could.

BE PREPAREDI should have mentioned this up front, as there’ll be ferocious squealing and wriggling, and like a Girl Scout worth her chest full of badges, be prepared. Also ensure your own clothes are at throw-away stage as you will be covered in more sunscreen than your victim who will make every attempt to slither away. Don’t let go yet.

RE-DRESS YOUR VICTIMIf you consider dressing a child an exercise in contortion (yours and theirs), it’s a doddle to dressing a child marinated in more grease than a serve of buttered chicken. This is your final step so grit your teeth, and use any and all threats to get the job done. With the skerrick of remaining energy as you clean up the debris and collect the bags of towels, drinks, toys, and your sanity, remember to plop a sunhat on your victim with your final threat of “we are staying home if I see that hat come off”.

Nanny V has now demonstrated every what-not-to-do in the Nanny Rule Book, but I trust you appreciate a sense of humour is your most effective tool.