Annie: Mother saddened by cold relationship with daughter, grandson

Posted: September 24, 2011 - 11:01pm

Mother saddened by cold relationship with daughter, grandson

DEAR ANNIE: A few years back, you helped me with my daughter. Now I need your help again.

My husband and I have not seen our daughter in almost a year. We are visiting our son for Thanksgiving, and he invited our daughter and her family to join us. She refused, saying her husband prefers to have dinner with just his immediate family and it’s the only time all of them can sit down together. Her son and stepson are both 15. I know they spend other nights together for dinner.

She offered instead to meet us halfway between her house and my son’s (a 90-minute trip). My husband and I think that meeting my daughter for an hour for lunch is not exactly quality time with our grandson. I also told her that we had to get back in time for dinner because we are meeting my new daughter-in-law’s family.We offered to visit her any other weekend, but she said every weekend is filled with football and band activities. We told her we’d be happy to see a game and watch the band, but she kept finding other reasons why we shouldn’t come. We get the impression she doesn’t want to see us. It is not like we stay with her. We stay in a hotel, which she told us to do.

My husband says he’s tired of always doing things her way and refuses to drive 90 minutes to say hello for lunch. I agree with his reasoning, but go to bed crying. My daughter and I never got along. Last time, I took your advice and went to counseling, and it helped. I thought my daughter and I were getting along better, but here we go again. What do I do now? — Crying Mom

Your daughter is a difficult person who is never going to be the warm, loving, accepting child you want. Your best response is to be as accommodating as you can manage in order to see your grandson. She is not going to make it easy. When the demands are too much to handle, try not to become angry and tearful. Simply give it another shot at a later date.

DEAR ANNIE: I recently ran into an old classmate who told me where she’s been working for the past 10 years. I mentioned the name of a man I know who also works there. She then proceeded to tell me that this man was involved in extramarital affairs in the office and that she had a fling with him, as well. What I didn’t tell my classmate is that this man’s wife is a friend and we teach at the same school.Do I tell my teacher friend about her philandering husband? — Caught

You haven’t seen this classmate in 10 years and have no idea whether she is telling the truth. Quite frankly, this sounds like unfounded gossip to us and doesn’t merit repetition.

Unless you have independent knowledge that your friend’s husband is cheating, we would let this sleeping dog lie.

DEAR ANNIE: “Crushed” wrote to you about the dangers of shaking hands with those who have fragile bones.

I find that by holding my purse or a drink in my right hand, I can successfully avoid those crushing handshakes. When the other person offers their right hand, I gently touch it with my left, and because of the positioning, they cannot squeeze it. This avoids starting every introduction with an explanation of various maladies, as people don’t usually ask questions.

Sen. Bob Dole, who suffered war injuries to his right arm and hand, solved the handshake problem by carrying a pen in his right hand. — Lexington, Mass.