(Closed) Do I invite her because I'm her daugther's godmother? (long rant!)

To cut a very, very, very long story short (I drafted this post by writing the whole story out, but it was 3 pages long in Word!!!) I have an ex-friend, let’s call her J, who had a daughter a few years ago and asked me to be her godmother. At the time we were best friends–we had been since junior high school–and I was happy to agree, but I was moving overseas to the job of my dreams. We both agreed it’d work nonetheless, so I moved, life happened, they moved away right before I got home, we didn’t talk much, etc…

And then a few years later J suddenly showed up in our lives again, and while she was here, she really treated me badly and abused me in a few different ways that aren’t worth repeating, but basically boil down to me acting as an unpaid nanny for a whole week, and being expected to act as that longer, even though I had made explicitly clear that I would only be able to do it for a week as I had school and work starting up again after that. When I wasn’t able to fill J’s demands when work and school started, she basically did and said some really mean, nasty things and abandoned our friendship.

Three years later, she calls me asking me for money because they’re living off food banks and it’s the little girls’ birthday. Red flags are popping up everywhere, but I decide I’d feel better thinking that I may have helped the little one through a rough time than not sending her the money because I think J’s lying, so I send a few hundred (keep in mind, I’m a grad student at this time–this is money I sorely need). I hear nothing back after that, except from a mutual friend who is still in touch with J, who tells me that J’s actually cheating on her husband and keeps talking about how she needs money to drive to visit him. Well. Around this time, I also learn that J has told M some really nasty and untrue stories about what happened during the nanny fiasco. I’m really hurt and upset, but can’t do much about it, so I let it, and the money, go.

Another year later, J’s ex-husband shows up in town with the little one in tow because they’ve split. It takes J half a year to decide to move here to be with her daughter, and in that time she’s gotten pregnant with this other guy. And the second she gets in town, she starts asking for rides, for stuff, for basically anything I’ll give her. I drive her around the first few times, thinking she’s now a split parent with another baby coming and maybe she’s changed, but nope. She’s basically using me every step of the way. I decide to cut off contact with her unless she initates it and doesn’t want anything from it, and this has never been the case yet.

Cue the ridiculous part; she and our mutual friend, M, still talk, and I guess earlier this year M let it slip that my wedding to Fiance, who was been around for most of this fiasco with J, is scheduled in August. J said she hadn’t received an invite, and M clarified that it was 2014, not 2013. At which point J was all, “oh, well, I can plan for that then. Little one’s her goddaughter, so.”

Uh… Excuse me? You think you’re coming to my wedding? Both my parents yell at me every time they find out I offered you any help because they’re 100% certain you’re a straight friendship abuser. My Fiance will have nothing to do with you because he was the one who had to put me back together again after I was so destroyed by the babysitting fiasco. M doesn’t even really like you, but feels like she’s got a duty to keep talking to you. Why would I ever invite YOU to MY wedding, the one time in my life that I’m supposed to be surrounded by friends and family that love and care about me? Even though little one’s my goddaughter, we’ve never been able to have that sort of relationship, and now her mother and I don’t even TALK unless she sends out a mass text asking for somebody to pick her up from the mall!!

Anyway, very long story short, I guess I’m just putting it out there to you wonderful bees–I don’t have to invite them, right? I mean, there was actually a point in time where I considered inviting the little one and her father, but not her mother because of this… and we’re not close enough to make the relationship a viable reason to invite her, but. Thoughts?

And if you feel the need to help this family out financially in the future, maybe grocery store gift cards instead of cash. Or even purchasing specific items- “What do you need? I can buy about $XX worth of groceries for you.” If she truly needs the money for that purpose, she’ll take you up on it.

@rebwana: That’s actually a really good idea about the grocery cards! If it ever comes to that, that’s definitely what I’ll do, though I hope it never does again.

@LuvMySailor: Thanks–that’s probably the best response. I feel like she’s never going to talk to me again, except when she hears that M gets an invitation, so that’s probably a good idea to make it clear to M that she shouldn’t be discussing too much about the wedding with J. 🙂