Dear earthlings,My name is Lord Bolognesea ruler of the planet Ragoo I am the father to who you call the Fighting Spaghetti Monster, his real name is Buitoni and he has been a very, very naughty boy. The planet Ragoo has a very strict policy regarding the few remaining planets that are not yet deemed suitable to join the nearly one billion members of the Union of Planets.

I understand why Buitoni has made himself know to some members of Earth, he feels responsible and sees all live on planet earth as family.

Many billions of years ago my brother Carbonara and I were as what you would call adolescences, decided to take a joyride around the universe. Our natural breathing needs require a high carbon dioxide atmosphere so we set the IID “Infinite Improbability Drive” to find a suitable stable planet. We found a very beautiful young planet and set down to have a float around. We took in the fascinating scenery and the fantastic pyroclastic displays but even these wonders get a bit boring for any adolescent after half an hour of your earth time.We were both getting a bit hot and decided to cool down in a beautiful clear pool of H2o.

As you will find over many aeons there are a few constants in the universe, one is that if you put two males of any sentient species into a pool of H2O they will for sure play the farting game, this is fact. Like many games they can soon turn into a competition, unfortunately no mater how much carbonate you drink there is a cut off point were you ether stop or follow through…ooops.

After making a hasty exit from the pool we decided to get our fathers ship back into dock before he woke up. We did not realise the consequences of our farting game for nearly two million years. One of the roaming probes reported that the blue planet had spontaneously evolved life ten million years earlier that it should have done. Of cause my brother and I realised straight away what had happened.

Boy did we both get into trouble, I was grounded for 10 million years (one month in earth time). I thought I would have had a bigger punishment but our species adore their offspring, much like some of your race do. It was also decided by our science council that no real damage had been done, DNA as you call it is a constant across the universe as it is made of the universe. After a detailed computer model was created we found that the bacteria that had been inadvertently left behind had already evolved to take advantage of the planets resources and that at least one of the final sentient species would be as if it had been naturally made by the planet. We will not know for about two months of our time if the model is correct.

As for my son Buitoni I must ask for your understanding, like all eighty year old boys he thinks that he can play god. He does not do this out of malice as he is a good boy at hearts and wants to correct what he calls a crap mistake. His brother tells me he was originally just going to turn up on earth and make the apology and come home. However after a quick study of human kind it was quite obvious that not even 70% of earth believes in what you call EVOLOTION, so how could he apologise for something most don’t believe in. Unfortunately he decided to use your archaic idea of sky gods, thinking one week of playing god with the slight hint of evolution here and there would sort it all out, then when he got 100% devotion say……just kidding, it was like this really…my dad and uncle were sitting in this pool and…….

I have had a hearts to hearts talk to Buitoni and I think he now understands why playing god was the worst thing he could do.

I told him that humans are already having major problems with sky gods and even after he got them all to believe in him and drop there old gods they would want to worship him, “why would they want to do that after telling them who I really am”, to his bafflement I said because most are still little children and are scared of being alone, “but they are not stupid creatures, they must know by now that they have each other and they are all family”

Buitoni is a very caring male and has made some very good friends on earth even taking into account the well being of pirates.

Still I am very cross with Buitoni and have told him to say his goodbyes and to be back home in six days time (not seven as that’s my day off).

To those who live in the sea, fly through the sky and walk the earth I hope to meet you in a few weeks, in person. Peace is with you, little family of earth…just look in the mirror, not the sky.

Ps Dear Richard. D, I have just hyper mailed you my new paper on second generation artificial DNA, I would appreciate your input……….. Stephen. H we are still having problems with the IID anything over two million light years and looking like a spaghetti monster is a walk in one of your parks. Any help would be welcome.

That seems to point up a significant difference between Europeans and Americans. A European says: "I can't understand this, what's wrong with me?" An American says: "I can't understand this, what's wrong with him? - Sir Terry Pratchett

The great thing about Beaker is his ability to provoke while still being decorous, or at least within acceptable rules of conduct - Qwertyuiopasd