Kids and Stress

Stressful times produce stressful kids. How can we empower our children as we empower ourselves?

Last week I met Emily, a sweet 11-year-old who came to speak with me in anticipation of her Bat Mitzvah. After talking together for a few minutes, Emily’s sparkling eyes grew serious. “Slovie, can I tell you something?”

“Sure, sweetie, what is it?”

“I’m really scared. There are people that I know who are sick and I’m afraid that someone I love will get sick or get into a car accident or something. And some kids in my class, well, their parents lost their jobs and they have to sell their house and move now. They’re really sad. I stay up at night thinking about all this and I get a scary feeling inside.”

We live in challenging times. Our world is changing drastically and there are moments when we all feel vulnerable. We stress about our jobs, our families, our future, and our children feel our strain.

Children sense their parents' pressures. They feel worried, sad and frustrated. Nearly one third of children interviewed in a new American Psychological Association study said that they had stress related headaches and stomachaches. 91% of kids said they know when their parents are stressed because they see them arguing and complaining or because their parents won’t spend time with them.

Sue Shellenbarger writes in the Wall Street Journal’s work and family column that “A new generation gap is emerging between American parents and their kids.” She concludes that this gap isn’t about chores around the house or nighttime curfews; rather it’s all about our stress and how it affects our children.

Anxiety is catchy. It becomes easy for children to feel our tensions and grow tense themselves.

In such challenging times, it is almost impossible for us to live stress-free lives.

Life is filled with struggles. There are times that we must confront frightening health issues, relationship problems, tension with children, or financial challenges. Some parents try to guard their children from the storm but kids know that something is going on. They see past the masquerade of frozen smiles and overly cheerful voices. They grow even more frightened as they imagine the worst and try to overhear hushed conversations.

While we do not have to give our children inappropriate details, we must acknowledge our children’s fears.

Storms will rage. One day our children will be forced to face their own struggles. If we could teach our children how to handle stress without falling apart, we impart tools for life.

Our children know that we are stressed even if we think they don’t. The mood in the house is tense; you sense it the minute you walk in. When we are overwhelmed it becomes easy to snap. Our patience is short.

“Mommy, can you help me with homework?”

“Daddy, can you play a game of catch with me?”

“LATER! I’M BUSY!”

You didn’t mean to answer with that harsh tone. You feel awful when you see your child’s face react to your sharp response. But what could you do? You are overloaded, short on time and patience.

Take a breath. Concede to yourself that you are going through challenging times. Be sure to take some quiet time out for yourself each day even if it’s just for a short walk or thoughtful prayer.

Resolve that you will not allow your stress to impact your children’s nature. Your temper will only destroy your children as you diminish yourself.

Your children are seeking answers. Reassure them that despite the hardships faced, your love is unconditional and forever. You are here for them. Tell them that you are doing your best and ultimately, things will be okay.

Carve Out Time with Your Kids

Spending time with children shows them that we love them. We do not need to take them on exotic vacations or thrilling day trips to express our emotions. Reading or baking together, sharing an ice cream, going for a bike ride, playing a game, sitting at the table for dinner as a family – all these little actions reassure our children that we are here for them and enjoy their company.

Spending time with children shows them that we love them.

Don’t lose your sense of humor. Laugh out loud.

Good times together build memories of joy instead of painful recollections of a childhood filled with negative vibes and tension.

Model An ‘Up’ Attitude

Your children hear your words, observe your actions, and watch your reactions. If you do not allow challenges to get you down, your kids will pick up on your positive attitude. They will learn the power of resilience; the strength that we infuse in our homes when we resist the pull of pessimism. It is easy for worry to turn into hopelessness and in the process we lose our faith.

Sure, this is easier said than done. But as we empower our children, we empower ourselves. And think of what is at stake.

Raising a child when all is well is simple compared to bringing a child up while faced with difficult challenges. This may be the greatest battle of our lives.

I was driving a carpool when a child in the back seat piped up with a request.

“Mrs. Wolff, can you please turn onto the news station? You know, the one that has all the news all the time”

“No problem, but why would you want that station?” I asked.

“I want to know how the stock market did today,” was the reply. “I need to know what mood my father’s in before I get home. If it’s down, I can’t talk to him.”

This true story says it all. Let us ask ourselves: what is the aura in our home? Are we pushing our children away as we try to shoulder our burdens?

When faced with darkness we can either fall into despair or kindle a light. Our choice molds the next generation.

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About the Author

Slovie Jungreis-Wolff is a freelance writer, and a relationships and parenting instructor. She is the daughter of Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis, founder of Hineni International. Slovie has taught Hineni Young Couples and Parenting classes for more than 15 years. Her book, Raising A Child With Soul, is published by St. Martin's Press.

Visitor Comments: 2

(2)
ruth housman,
April 3, 2011 5:01 PM

Stressful Times

We are living in stressful times, and yes, we need to take time for our children, but we cannot hide from the world, nor them, from what is happening, particularly as they get older. There are terrible recent calamities, and they do learn, and they do perceive, as they are also in school, and life is a school of hard knocks.
Give them a sense of purpose, that they can make a difference, in big and small ways, and show them how to feel empowered. Show them that all light has its shadow side but that what we can do, is reach for the light, and beam it, with smiles, with traditions, with security and love, no matter what. Provide that anchor and provide the oars.
There is a huge blog on Chabad about anxiety in response to an article by Freeman, and it is ongoing, meaning many people are feeling the need to connect around this issue, and yes, they are adults.
Perhaps we need a certain amount of existential anxiety given the state of the world, and questions of difference, and maybe these dialogues do matter.

(1)
savta chava,
April 3, 2011 2:28 PM

clarification can reduce stress, too

I liked your recommendation to do something relaxing & fun with our children also during stressful times. it's as good for the parents as for the kids & builds togetherness.
from personal experience i recommend parents to describe the situation to each child in an optimistic fashion. Be concise & format the information according to the child's level. Honest sharing dispells a lot of anxiety-causing phantasies a child may have about him or her causing your distress & all kinds of hear-say kids get from their friends & the media on the subject.

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I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...