Here are the exact locations of the secret passages in the White House.

Washington D.C., U.S.A -- For years, the CIA has been putting all of their classified information in large servers hidden deep in the White House septic system. Recently, they ran out of server space. The common consensus was to just delete all of the older classified information, especially those concerning your mom. This would be all fine and dandy, however, UnNews hackers would eventually find this information and simply post this on Facebook, Twitter, Google+, Myspace (yes, there are rumors to the effect that Myspace still exists), Wikileaks, and every other goddamn stalker site.

The CIA thought it would be best just to release the information. They felt that by releasing this information, they could both get more server space and make the public think that the government is actually nice. The only condition that they place is that they get to control the means by which this information is being released, and unless you are a total dumbshit you've probably figured out that they've chose to censor anything that is of any use to us...

The CIA has released many files including a detailed map of the Pentagon which they say is redundant because everyone who works at the Pentagon would know its layout. What we don't understand is that if someone who didn't work at the Pentagon and they found the map, couldn't they find their way in and breach the place? After we asked them this, they hesitated because they didn't know what to say. To simplify matters, they shot our reporter and released a medical report that he died from food poisoning.

The CIA has also released nuclear missile launch codes saying that terrorists would need to know where the launch sites were to use the codes. We responded by telling them that everyone knows the location of American nuclear weapons. They're in the middle of nowhere. Once again we lost another reporter.

Another major release is all classified military action. They say that this will lead to further developments in the COD videogame series, of which all members of the CIA are a major fan. Treyarch and Activision have both gotten heart attacks from pleasure at this latest development.

I tried to tell them that releasing classified military information is just plain stupid. They shot me as well and of course they told everyone that I have food poisoning. Military intelligence seems to lack both intelligence and originality.