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I've been hearing the words self love being thrown around like confetti lately.

What the hell is self love anyways?

What I've found is self love can mean many things.

Some may say self love is:>> having a spa day>> having a lunch date with a friend>> shopping for a new outfit>> spending the day doing absolutely nothing>> getting a new hairstyle>> buying something special

I'm throwing a little spin to this "self love" confetti.

This week I've been lost.I've been resisting.......big time.I've been having doubt.I've been struggling y'all.

So what did I do?!?

Of course I sat my happy ass down at my computer and started searching.

What did I search for? Honestly, I was totally hitting the keys like a mad woman. I knew I was in a pickle and I needed to pull myself out of this mess and it needed to happen quickly.

You see I have a shit ton of things (some I can't go into right now) that I'm dealing with. "Things" that will change my life in so many ways that it's scaring me to death. Scaring me so much that I feel that every thing is closing in on me and fast. I'm feeling like it's hard to breath like I can't fill my lungs with enough air.

How do this relate to self love....bare with me, I'm getting there.

What I was searching for was an answer. But not just an answer like "do this and all things will be fine". No. I was searching for a change. A way to change my thoughts that would shift my concerns from worry to acceptance.

Primarily because this was not the first time I've been smothered by doubt that lead to fear and sleepless nights.

I knew I needed a system....not sure if this is the best word to describe what I was needing but it's the word I'll use for now.

The biggest problem with all of this is.......I give advice everyday to people who find theirselves in this very same place. But.I was not able to help myself. I tried, I tried real hard. I even tried to remove myself from the situation and look into my struggles as if I was giving advice to another and I was still unsuccessful in helping me finding a solution. I found myself pretty much having a full blown argument going back and fourth from "I got this figured out" to "are you kidding me that will never work".

I set up a quiet place to meditate. I woke up to motivational talks. I started to listen to the motivation podcast (which I didn't like, the narrator wasn't my style and I couldn't connect).

I still didn't have what I needed. But. I thought I would wake up for a week with the motivational talks. I would mediate every night for the next 7 days. I would grab my mat and start back to my yoga practice.

So two days in to this madness I had a hair appointment. A scheduled appointment not a self love moment (or maybe it was). My hair artist and I always have very deep conversations when I'm in her chair. This day was a really deep conversation day. The crazy thing is she began talking about this podcast she had been listening to. A podcast that lead her to go to a retreat. A retreat that she thought I would have really enjoyed.

She kept talking and I kept listening. She shared the name of the podcast with me and I quickly downloaded it so I could get started right away.

This is where the "self love" comes in.

I started listening to this new found podcast which starts out saying "Hello beautifuls" who wouldn't love that intro. Within 24 hours I had listened to over 9 hours of two gals speaking words I needed to hear. Words that gave me more space to breathe.

I felt that I was giving myself so much "self love" listening to this podcast. I started giving myself grace to feel some fear and that it's ok to do so. I felt the chains that have been holding me back had been broken.

I'm not all the way to where I need to be but I'm getting there.

I need this "self love" for so many reasons and one of those is to release my creativity from the grips of chaos. I'm giving myself grace to pause and breathe and to listen to the silence because the silence always has so much to say if we only stop and listen.

Self love comes in many forms treat yourself however you feel you need to and savor every minute of it.

The podcast that helped me give myself "self love" is Bliss and Grit. Download and enjoy.