Parenting: Fight causes a rift between two families

Comment

By Rich Gritter

Holland Sentinel

By Rich Gritter

Posted May. 20, 2014 at 8:28 AM

By Rich Gritter
Posted May. 20, 2014 at 8:28 AM

Holland, Mich.

Dear Rich: My son is†11 and he got in a fight with my neighborís son, who is 12. The other boy was saying bad things about a girl in the neighborhood, and my son stuck up for her. The problem is that both of our families are now mad at each other, and Iím afraid there will be another fight. What should I do?

ó LSM

Dear LSM: We know that kids, boys especially, will get in a fight once in a while. How you respond to the incident will make all of the difference.

The wrong response is to be angry with the other family. By staying upset with that neighbor your son is learning that his fighting was justified. Furthermore, he will feel he has the blessing of the family to fight again when the opportunity presents itself. Do not frame this incident as one family against the other. Both families, and the neighborhood, are the losers in that scenario.

Talk to your son about fighting. Make it clear that outside of defending himself from a physical attack, or defending someone more helpless from a physical attack, there is no justification for fighting. Words are never a justification for a fight.

Hereís what you should do: call on your neighbor with a cup of coffee in your hand for her. Ask her if she has a moment to talk. Talk like friends, not just neighbors. The specific issue does not need to be re-hashed. Tell her you value your neighbors and the neighborhood too much to allow any tension to go on. Ask for her opinion and her help in how to reduce the anger between your boys.

Laugh when you can and be as gracious as you can be. Look to take no offense if she slides into a blaming mentality. Tell her you regret that it happened and let her know you have attempted to teach your son that fighting is the wrong response in nearly every circumstance.

Ask her if you can bring your son over to make peace with the other boy. They donít need to make hollow apologies, they just need to see that the families are not at war and donít want any more fighting.

Please let me know how this goes.

ó Rich Gritter, LMSW, and father of three, is Program Director for Bethany Christian Services, specializing in issues related to the parenting of children and teens. Email him questions for future columns at rgritter@bethany.org.