John-Michael’s Fast Food Survival Guide

Value deals

Taco Bell’s new appetizer grillers are a great value for $1. The buffalo chicken and bacon potato grillers are personal favorites. Note: both items contain sour cream, so beware if you are lactose intolerant. Add in soft tacos, crunchy tacos, bean burritos for a $1, and many other cheap combinations of burritos, and you have a feast for four for under $10; Taco Bell is a late-night stop must.

Wendy’s value meal is probably the best dollar menu around. There is a wide array of items to fit your taste buds for a $1. The chicken sandwich is OK, the chicken caeser wrap is great, and the cheddaburger is surprisingly good. Plus, the small chili is only $1.59 and is always delicious.

McDonald’s value meals are dominated by two items: the McDouble and the HotnSpicy McChicken. Personally, I prefer the McDouble. Also, if you like the mysterious Big Mac Sauce; you can add it on the McDouble for only $.50.

Burger King freaking stinks.

Sweets

Sonic has the best selection of ice cream and other desserts, by far. However, they close at 10pm, which can cause serious frustration. They always have seasonal blasts (egg nog, cookie dough, strawberry shortcake, etc.) and their classics (root beer float, Oreo blast, Reese’s blast, and for the freaks: a snicker’s blast).

Wendy’s has a very poor dessert menu. The frosty is always solid, but it is nothing special.

Burger King attempts to have good desserts, but they stink. Their most ridiculous attempt of a dessert was the bacon caramel sundae. It was quickly pulled from the menu when people realized that it would cause obesity and heart disease.

Chick-Fil-A has pretty good ice cream shakes. Unfortunately, they are pretty expensive for the average jobless high school student.

John-Michael’s Tangents

Authors note: I worked in the fast food business (briefly), and I feel like I know the business and nuances of the fast food business fairly well.

To the employees of the Burger King on 190: Is it that hard to clean your restaurant?

To the Wendy’s by Target: Your restaurant confuses the heck out of me. You are not a hip downtown bistro. You’re a fast food restaurant. It really kills my gluttonous vibe when I eat inside there.

To the Wendy’s corporation: Can you please put the chili sauce out in the open with the ketchup, straws, and napkins? I hate looking like a freak when I ask for 10 packets of chili sauce.

To McDonalds: Why does everything have to start with Mc? McCafe, the McRib, McDouble, McChicken. Can you try being original with the naming of the menu?

To the Taco Bell by Target: Can you please get Diet Mountain Dew like all of the other Taco Bells? I want to at least make myself feel better when I eat there by ordering a diet drink.

To Canes: Congratulations on making people think your chicken is good by overpricing it and being overly stingy with the Canes Sauce. #Popeyesnumba1

To all late-night drive-thru workers: If I’m eating there so late, I’m probably tired and not 100%, mentally. So please be patient with me while I try and find the second window.