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‘Tiny Carp Nibble at Them’

According to insiders there is no truth to the rumor that Wachovia is changing it’s name to Wachoutbelow. — Robt Stupple

The media reported yesterday that, during his visit to Iraq, Barack Obama shot a three-pointer in front of the troops, as they say, “from way downtown.” McCain immediately said thanks to the surge Obama was able to shoot from downtown. — Pedro Bartes

A health spa in Virginia uses fish pedicures to rid feet of dead skin. Customers dunk their feet in a tank of water and let tiny carp nibble at them. This is treatment for people suffering from “carp-pool toenail syndrome.” — Doug Austen

A new study says that Viagra may help arouse women who are taking antidepressants, presumably because their husbands are taking Viagra.

Actress Estelle Getty passed away at age 84, dissapointing the one person who was hoping for a sequel to “Stop or My Mom Will Shoot,” Sylvester Stallone’s agent. — Thomas Allen Heald, Rapid City, SD

The FDA is warning consumers to avoid fresh jalapeno peppers after finding salmonella bacteria on one in Texas. People who miss eating raw jalapenos are advised to show off their masculinity by purchasing a sports car instead. — Paul Seaburn, Spring, Texas

Texas Ranger Chuck Norris has just joined the McCain campaign. Just what the candidate needed: a Walker.

You know we need a third party when one candidate can’t bowl the other’s age. — Eugene Cappuccio

Kevin Costner’s “Swing Vote” is out Aug. 1. The storyline that a presidential race comes down to one vote is a bit far-fetched. The guy is not even on the Supreme Court.

Casino business is down in Las Vegas. Turns out people are now gambling in other venues. Atlantic City. Lake Tahoe. Indian reservations. Countrywide Mortgage. — Alan Ray, Stockton, Caif.

John McCain joked Tuesday about how the Czech Republic and Slovakia split years ago, but from “time to time some of us misstate and say Czechoslovakia.” He then added that when he gets to the White House, two of his first celebrity guests will be “Bennifer.” — Janice Hough, Palo Alto, Calif.

Today’s gas prices make it imperative for us to find out the secret to how all them circus clowns can fit inside a tiny Volkswagen. — Gil Stern

Josh Hamilton, who dominated the All-Star game home run derby, is the most popular rehabilitated alcoholic from Texas in America. Then again, when you consider the competition … — Marc Ragovin, New York

I dislike George Bush as much as the next guy, but Democrats should refrain from celebrating bad news about the economy. For instance, there was no call for that DNC video of Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid dancing the IndyMacarena.

Chuck Norris is endorsing John McCain? Norris, started out endorsing the “Total Gym”. He moved to Mike Huckabee, the “Total Jim Nabors”. Chuck’s saying John McCain now, but I would rule out a shift to Jim Belushi.

In Los Angeles, a 99-year old woman was recently discovered by a talent scout, and has gotten some roles in TV and commercial spots. The budding star says her goal is to break through Hollywood’s notorious glass casket.

Told that Hurricane Dolly might just blow oil prices away, President Bush, cackled and answered: “You’d think there weren’t no more hammers and ladders left in this country anyhow. Why just let every pump owner simply climb up and fasten them suckers down with nails. ”

With gas prices on the rise doctors are seeing more complaints from the increasing number of carpooling commuters who get dizzy due to poor air quality while driving crowded vehicles though underground viaducts, known as Car Pool Tunnel Syndrome.

George Michael is back on stage. With a nod to US Pop culture, Mr. Michael’s new look is familiar to anyone watching Law & Order: Criminal Intent star Vincent D’onofrio.

When asked how he liked playing Madison Square Garden, Mr. Michael said “I’ve had better acoustics in a men’s room!”

George Michael is on tour, Seattle closes its public toilets…. Coincidence?

As hurricane Dolly makes landfall in windfarm territory West Texas, the Governor has announced that Texas won’t let that extra electricity go to waste. In a related story 79 death row inmates Texas have had their appointment with “old Sparky” moved up to “like right now!”

Ironic thing about wind power tough, when the winds are making the most electricity, all the power lines are down too!

Pakistan said today that they will no longer allow militants to plot on their soil. From now on, all plotters will be called “moderates”. Militants will have to receive “plots” from local moderates, or from foreign sources. Islamabad did not specifically outlaw planning, organizing or implementing, only plotting.

They x-rayed Picasso’s Guernica. Wasn’t that pretty much what Guernica was all about in the first place?

X-Ray technicians who studied the films are reported to have said, over and over again, “Wait! That doesn’t go there.”

Candy Spelling is buying a condo for $47Million. When asked “Why?” it has been imagined that she said “I just needed a place to overnight when I travel from ‘The Manor’s’ tennis court to the dinning room.”

It cannot be overstated just how big “The Manor” is. Some properties are built between Oak and Main streets; “The Manor” was built between 1986 and 1990!

Researchers at the University of Southern California are developing a robot for autistic children because some of them relate better to mechanical devices. For example, they built a prototype that looked like Michael Savage and the autistic children immediately removed its batteries.

Three players and a coach were ejected in a televised bench-clearing brawl during a WNBA game between the Detroit Shock and the Los Angeles Sparks. The league is looking at the tape to determine if the fight may have been caused by a guy holding a camera who said he was from “Girls Gone Wild.”

An ABC-TV outlet in Houston released a video taken at a political fundraiser showing President Bush explaining the nation’s economic problems by saying, “Wall Street got drunk.” Luckily, the camera was turned off before Bush demonstrated how Wall Street grabbed the porcelain stock market and upchucked the banking industry.

Marine experts say the “dead zone” in the Gulf of Mexico off the Texas-Louisiana coast this year is likely to be the biggest ever and last longer than ever before. The Bush administration has promised to help restore plant and animal life to the dead zone so it can kill it off again with offshore drilling.

A Minnesota high school teacher won $1,000 and a cruise for lasting 20 hours on a roller coaster ride at the Mall of America. I call foul. Not getting sick on a roller coaster is easy for someone who’s used to the smell of high school gym lockers.

About 29 miles of the Mississippi River at New Orleans was closed after a tugboat pushing a barge and a 600-foot tanker crashed, causing diesel to leak into the water. Always ones to make best of a bad situation, New Orleans restaurants immediately created a new coffee drink called Café Oil Lait.

State police in Rhode Island arrested a man on charges of DWI whose blood alcohol level was 0.491 percent – the highest ever recorded in Rhode Island for someone who wasn’t dead. This guy was so drunk, he asked the cop who stopped him to unscrew the top so he could climb out of his pickle jar.

A woman in central Indiana was taken to the hospital after she accidentally stabbed herself in the foot with a 3-foot-long sword while performing a Wiccan good luck ritual in a cemetery. She pulled the sword out herself and took it to the hospital in case any of the nurses tried to wash off the blood by dousing her with a bucket of water.

According to a new study, the little blue anti-impotence pill Viagra may help some women on antidepressants have better sex. Especially if they share half with their partner.

Chinese officials are setting up specially designated zones in Beijing for protesters during next month’s Olympics. Protesters who can’t find the zones on the map should just walk in the direction the tanks have their guns pointed in.

Jordan’s King Abdullah got behind the wheel of his limo and drove Barack Obama to the airport after his visit. Don’t get too excited. If he was a really good friend, Abdullah would have offered to help Barack move his stuff from Chicago to Washington after the election.

– A Rhode Island man has broken the record for highest blood alcohol level which was a staggering 0.491 percent. Police say they knew something wasn’t right when they could feel his heart pulsing along to “Don’t Stop Believing.”

According to news reports, on Wednesday Barack Obama pronounced Israel’s memorial to the 6 million Jews who perished in the Holocaust “a place of hope”. Hope? As in the “politics of hope” you were talking about? This is what you call “hope”? Ummm errr erm uh…No, Thank You!

John MCcain is a bit out of touch. When he heard that the actor who plays Batman assaulted his mother and sister he was overheard uttering a snide remark about Adam West.

A new study finds that women on antidepressants may have better orgasms if they take Viagra. Also ladies, if you have an erection for more than four hours call the Guinness Book of World Records.

Madame Tussauds wax museum in London unveiled a waxwork of Amy Winehouse complete with black eyeliner, tattoos, and beehive hairdo. The likeness is very close, but the wax figure looks a bit healthier.

Conservative columnist Robert Novak apparently hit a pedestrian with his car this week. Presumably it was the pedestrian’s fault, for walking too far to the left.

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And the Barack Obama World Tour hits Berlin later this week. John McCain claimed that the stop was just about publcity, and besides, Obama wasn’t even making time to visit both East and West Berlin.

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The Obamas revealed in an interview that they give their daughters $1.00 allowance a week. Curiously enough, that’s the same amount the girls will probably get when they are eligible for Social Security.

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A note to readers: This post is the last for the Laugh Lines blog, started three years ago as a place for amusing stuff on the Web, curated to the sensibilities of Times readers. The blog’s end is a function of the reality of limited resources in a medium where any number of worthy experiments are possible, but all can’t be sustained. Rest assured, our regular, outside feed of editorial cartoons will remain available via links on The New York Times home page and the Crosswords & Games and Week in Review section fronts. Thanks to our loyal readers and contributors, and regrets. — The editorsRead more…

Monologue | Thursday night on “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno” on NBC: We have some wonderful news. BP announced it successfully capped the oil leak. The oil leak has stopped. I am so glad they were able to nip this thing in the bud.Read more…

Monologue | Thursday night on “The Late Show With David Letterman” on CBS: You remember Bill Clinton? Bill and Hillary went out and bought a brand-new house in upstate New York. He’s still keeping the old place to use as a bachelor pad. Read more…