Day is dawning in Dubai, as The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills kicks off. We find Lisa and Kyle jamming themselves into wetsuits, preparing for a date with a sea lion. Erika and Eileen are checking out the aquarium, and Kathryn and Rinna are enjoying the spa. Bravo hops us between Rinna and Kathryn and the aquarium duo, hashing out Rinna’s rage at Yo, for ditching her job, to hang with two loser castoffs. Erika wonders if anyone would dare breathe Yolanda and L-I-A-R in the same breath—all we can do is hope! Meanwhile, Lisa and Kyle make out with the sea lion, and Lisa secretly plots to get the sweet, slippery guy home, so he can hang with Hanky and Panky. Back at the hotel, Eileen and Lisa dress in coordinating moo-moos, and launch into gossip. Eileen agrees with Erika, that “enraged” is a a big word—even bigger than c*nty. Rinna explains that she has resisted jumping on the Lisa Manipulation Train, so Eileen decides to shove her, face-first, onto the tracks. Eileen thinks that Rinna should blast out her huge feelings to the whole group—but for no legit reason.

The women are venturing away from the hotel, and as they drive along, theygo from skyscrapers to desert, enjoying the stunning scenery. They arrive for a jeep adventure, slogging through the sand in their wedges and caftans. The driver wraps their hair in scarves, as the women gush in unison over their ultra-fabulousness. The driver takes them on a thrilling ride—while Eileen fantasizes that she is a supermodel—instead of a meddling bore. They stop and take in an interesting falcon demonstration, with a pro falconer. Kyle snaps a gorgeous photo of Lisa, trying to make out with it’s beak. They continue on, and land in a gorgeous Arabian nights staged dinner. It is exotic and beautiful. Kyle wrecks the aesthetic and blinds her hosts, with the tackiest sequined tent dress, ever seen in Dubai. Lisa loves the Arabian experience, but the other women grumble, at being forced into sobriety for two whole nights in a row. Erika is rocking an overdone desert temptress look, and her glam squad should be fired, and sent home. The women are served camel’s milk, and love it, until they discover it’s origin. The camel belches in response. A dancer comes in to entertain the group, and Bravo compares her to the women gyrating along with Erika Jayne. Those producers should be thrown into a Dubai prison, for that cultural insult.

The food is served, and lamb and camel meat is on the menu. Lisa is upset, because she has made friends with Humpy. Kathryn is a good sport, and gives ol’ Humpy a whirl—and he tastes like chicken. Rinna swan dives into the Munch-Rage drama, and Erika’s dark, glittery eye-holes ask if she even likes Yolanda. Rinna promises to get back to her. Erika confesses distrust of lips that never shut up, and Rinna admits that she hustles judgement, during her off days. Rinna admits to being shocked by Erika’s ‘Painkiller’ minus the ‘e’ video. Rinna shares her honest reaction, and Erika vows that she will never open up to Rinna, unless she promises to love Yolanda forever. Rinna muses that Yolanda’s illness, shackles her true feelings of disgust. The women all enjoy a hookah session, and Bravo’s special-effects team confuses the experience, with dropping acid in the 60’s. Rinna asks Lisa to clarify what she believed went down during the Munch-Discussion. They disagree about who was yapping about sicko Yolanda first, and how Kyle fits into the scandal. Rinna accuses Lisa of lying, and officially flings her moo-moo, onto the Lisa Manipulation choo-choo.

The women hit the the marketplace, and enjoy bargaining with the shopkeepers. Kathryn loses it over a caftan loving roach, and Erika buys a cheap statue, to pay Kathryn back for wrecking her dinner party, with her big mouth. Rinna makes an appointment with Eileen, so they can bitch about Lisa, until they collapse. They return from shopping, and Kathryn, Kyle and Rinna meet for lunch. Rinna AGAIN begins blathering out the same rinse and repeat shtick. Kyle jumps into the mess, and cosigns that Lisa tried to drag everyone into the Munch-debate, and escape unscathed. Rinna proclaims Lisa caught—but Kyle says that she dealt with her sneakybestie on the spot, and ended the drama. Rinna HATES that Kyle doesn’t bite, and continues to bait her, to sink Lisa.

Rinna arrives for her gossip appointment with Eileen, and her trusty mentor is ready to go. Rinna vomits out her tired story, and the duo exchanges knowing glances of shared Vanderpump horror. Eileen doesn’t want to be a bitch, so it is decided that she can be the number one a-hole on the cast. They bond over their true friendship, and their mutual Vander-rage. They are appalled that Kyle loves Lisa the way she is, and Rinna vows to drag everyone down into her swampy scapegoat stew. Rinna believes that Lisa wants to GET Yolanda—whatever that means—and was delighted to spin a pink web in order to get the job done.

We check in with the glam squad, who are making sure their porny princess, is Arabic-overdone, and dust-free. The spectacle is ridiculous. The women gather for dinner—and you know what’s coming. They barely have time to order big fat cocktails, before Rinna begins flapping her lips for the millionth time, about the same subject. Rinna admits to being “horrified,” as Lisa and Kyle innocently approach the lions den. Erika thinks that “enraged” is too big—but “horrified” is just right, so she and Rinna prick their palms, and vow to be BFFs forever.

Lisa and Kyle arrive, and the group icily freezes Lisa out. Kyle gives them a tutorial for the next day’s expected conduct, and they all groan at the idea of dropping their ‘Sex and the City’ act, for a few hours. Eileen side-eyes Lisa, and gives her the cue. Rinna shoots her the thumbs-up, andblasts Lisa for “rewriting the truth.” Lisa denies trying to bring Kyle into the Munch-mess, while Kyle replays her side of the boring story. Eileen eagerly interjects as moderator. Kyle denies labeling any of their sickie-pic giggles with Munchausen.

Eileen squeals like a pig, over Kyle daring to be smart enough to not make a Season 4 mistake twice. Kyle admits that it may seem strange, but Lisa loves her, and is the fan fave, a million times over. The gaggle all honks that Lisa will be forgiven, but Lisa doesn’t cave. Kyle is fine overlooking Lisa’s “flaws,” because having a junkie loser for a sister, sure makes you appreciate a cool British pal. Lisa finally jabs back at Eileen, for her relentless pursuit of obnoxiousness. Eileen jumps back to the Hamptons beef AGAIN—and Lisa offers to open a vein, to make her happy. It certainly appears that home-wrecker GUILT could be the bone that Eileen can’t release.

Rinna rants on and on—-and Bravo shoots us back to the pain of Season 4’s disastrously unsuccessfulVanderpump takedown. Rinna pounds LIAR into Lisa once more, before the extended episode mercifully ends.

Next week, the Dubai adventure continues, and a couple of castoffs make an appearance. Don’t miss it!

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I am a coastal girl who loves the outdoors, and writing about the sneaky and silly side of reality TV. My bio is short, but my snark is endless, and I love writing for the sharpest posters in the world. Follow me on Facebook