Monday, April 18, 2011

Top Lies Women Tell Men

Attention dudes of NYC (and frankly, all over the world) women lie in certain situations and your perfect little angel is no exception. We may be trying to make ourselves look better in your eyes, or make you feel better about yourself, but no matter the reason for our tall tales, we've come to do it naturally. Here are some of the most common lies ladies tell.

Age/Weight: Women have it hard. We get paid less than our male coworkers, are expected to hide our emotional nature in the workplace, and are forced to wear Spanx as bridesmaids. Although cougars are so hot right now, we can’t help but want to appear younger, thinner, and sexier in your eyes.

Our Number of Sexual Partners: Women are considered easy or loose when admitting to having had several sexual partners. It’s no one’s business what our grand total is, yet somehow in the dating world it’s a question that’s asked early on while trying to establish a connection. The past should just be the past. Women should be just as sexually liberated as men. Ladies, just enjoy all of those romps in the sack, refuse to feel ashamed, and choose to keep your real number to yourself. And men, just don’t ask and we won’t tell.

“I’ll Be Ready In a Minute.”: Listen guys, if before you left the house to go out on a date, you had to shower, shave (or wax) half your body, slather your skin with moisturizer, apply expensive miracle-like beauty products, paint on layers of makeup, blow dry then curl your long hair, model outfits for your roommate to find the perfect combination that makes you look sexy, thin, and polished, it would take you a long time to get ready, too. So, just freakin’ wait.

"I'm Not Mad At You.": Oh, yes she is. Don't think you're getting off that easily. This lie is one of the most frequently used in relationships. Typically, women who have been hurt by men in their lives use this phrase as an emotional defense. Instead of admitting that she's actually quite hurt by your relatively minor offense, she will pretend that she doesn't care at all. In reality, she does care, very much so, but doesn't want to look too bitchy about it, so just responds halfheartedly. "No, I'm not angry" or “No, it’s fine”, are phrases that mean "I am shooting hate vibes at you right now, please pick up on it." Excessive eye rolling, nasty tones and general passive-aggressive behavior are dead giveaways. Please save yourself time and future headaches by calling her on her real feelings and discussing why she's so angry. And listen. We actually want you to notice and work to fix the situation.

“You’re the best lover I've ever had.”: When a woman says you’re the best, be afraid (be very afraid) and then run out to get the latest copy of The Joy of Sex or at least one of those creepy karma sutra pamphlets sold in Times Square. One of the best qualities in women is that we see the big picture. So what he has a small penis? He has a good, steady job. So what he can’t last longer than five minutes? His smile is just so dreamy. And even if he can’t mimic Don Draper in the bedroom, those veggie and brie omelets he whips up after sex are so delicious and high in protein. Men, just get over it. Then learn to recognize the three signs that you’re not the best lover since her sexy affair in Barcelona: One, when she leaves an episode of Desperate Housewives on while you’re on top of her. Two, when she prefers you in the kitchen instead of the bedroom. And three, when she pulls out her bright pink vibrator with rotating beads to help you out. Males also have to see the big picture, and that’s that she’s with you and wants to share certain parts of her life with you (And other parts she shares with that pink toy).