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Atithi Devo bow bow: What foreigners may make of the diet advice given by India’s new tourism minister 😜

It is generally accepted that travel broadens the mind and widens the horizons. Going by the advice to India-bound travellers from the new tourism minister KJ Alphons, it can also induce constipation, hunger and bellyaches, among other conditions. In a moment of great insight that does justice to the portfolio he has been given, the minister has suggested that since beef is becoming a no-no in ‘modern’ India, foreigners could eat their fill of red meat in their home country before coming to India.

The minister’s advice deserves scrutiny considering travel and tourism is the world’s cash cow. The sector generated more than 10% of world GDP in 2016 (an estimated $7.6 trillion). India ranked 7th in the world in terms of travel and tourism’s total contribution to the country’s GDP, raking in some $200 billion in revenues, which is also about 8-9% of India’s GDP. Moreover, the sector supported more than 40 million jobs, making India 2nd in the world in terms of total employment supported by travel and tourism.

But guess what, nearly 90% of India’s travel and tourism is generated domestically. Money spent by foreign travellers in India represents only 12% of tourism revenues – a trifling $23 billion in 2016. Small beer. Chump change. In fact, India received less than 10 million international arrivals in 2016, placing it 40th in the world, and a tenth of those received by top-ranking France. Less than Thailand and Turkey, Mexico and Morocco.

It’s small comfort though that India’s top tourist arrivals are from Bangladesh. They are just next door, and since we send them all our useless cows in any case, they can always nip back for a quiet bite. In any case, they don’t have any stake – or steak – in our travel success.

The next two countries in terms of tourist arrivals to India – United States and United Kingdom – represent 25% of the footfall and a significant part of our travel revenue. But a large number of these arrivals are NRIs and they don’t eat beef in any case.

So real foreigners are easy meat and Alphons is correct to take the bull by the horns. They can go take a dump – in their own country, of course – if they want to visit India. After all, we don’t have enough latrines for ourselves. Incredible India’s sanskritic tourism slogan should be Atithi Devo Bow Bow – we’ll nip you in the ankles if you as much as say red meat.

But we have no beef with the world and believe in sarva dharma samabhava and vasudaiva kutumbakam. In fact, in the spirit of such a thoughtful travel advisory, here is a list of other things foreign tourists can do before they embark on their yatra to Incredible India.

Because our air and water is so polluted, visitors can finish their breathing, hydration, bathing, etc before coming to India. We expect them to hold their breath while in India because we live on love (or hate, according to some) and polluted air. We’ll give them yoga lessons to help out. If they can’t hold their breath, we will allow them to inhale as much as they want (it will be taxed, of course; GST 28%) and when they fall ill, we’ll send them to hospitals where they can die without oxygen.

Because there is such a shortage of public restrooms, bathrooms, water, etc in India, tourists can begin preparing for India travel by doing their toilet routines in advance in their own country. In any case, they are not known to take regular baths or use water for, um, ablutions, right? Of course, they can always use our limited facilities or do it outdoors (like huge numbers of Indians do) if things get too pressing – all for a fee of course (GST 18%).

Because we have no sidewalks and decent roads or orderly traffic to speak of, visitors can finish their quota of walking/ strolling leisurely, and driving safely in their home countries. Where they are available, our sidewalks are only meant for roadside vendors, electric poles, parking, and even driving on – despite missing manhole covers. But tourists can get a special ‘curb your instinct’ tour and driving privileges for a special fee, with a GST of 12%.

Travellers can also finish spending their tourist dollars in their home country since we are apt to demonetise our currency without regard to what we put visitors through. They can also buy their everyday needs, mementos, etc before getting on the plane to India. However they can spend electronic dollars in any part of India since we have gone now all-digital; they can also transfer and change their home currency into ‘Acche Din’ rupees – all with a GST of 5% – just to show a jump in our revenues.

Most of all, visitors should complete their debates, dialogues, critiques, lodging complaints about grievances, etc in their home countries. We are a fully wingnut-compliant country, and will entertain no complaints on human rights, civil liberties, etc. If they do complain, we will give them a full dose of ‘whataboutery’ in which they will be grilled about the situation in their country.

Tourists can however witness and participate in trolling, abuse, mob lynching, and even assassination of activists, journalists, dissidents (all called ‘anti-nationals’ by wingnuts) for free. No GST.

DISCLAIMER : This article is intended to bring a smile to your face. Any connection to events and characters in real life is coincidental.