Social Question

Older members of fluther, at what age did you stop trying to be sexy?

Hopefully I can explain what I mean better. Keep in mind i am in my mid twenties. When I look around I see people my age and younger and a good portion (I know not all) try to appear attractive to the opposite sex. They dress well and try to use their natural sex appeal. I also see a good amount of older people, im guessing 40+ that no longer strive to appeal to the opposite sex any longer. Is it because they get married? Just tired? Because you no longer feel sexy or wanted? I’m curious.

34 Answers

Don’t know about the rest, but as I got older, the concept of “sexy” became very different to me. Yes, good looks are always nice to look at, but I’m much more turned on by humor, intelligence, compassion and the intangibles. The priorities are very different for most of us. Just because you don’t find us attractive doesn’t mean that our peers feel the same.

@willbrawn Look at your details… you say: “I also see a good amount of older people, im guessing 40+ that no longer strive to appeal to the opposite sex any longer.” We’re not trying to appear sexy to you. At least most of the middle-aged folks I know aren’t. I would be seriously creeped out if my daughter’s friends found me sexually attractive.@Adirondackwannabe : But is your idea of ”...your best…” the same as it was when you were in your mid-twenties?

I’m 50, and I still want too be sexy. My MIL is 76, can barely walk even with her walker, has skin that tears almost to the touch and is on more medications than would kill a football player but she asked me the other day if I thought she should get a tummy tuck! She still has a delusion that she is some hottie. If seeing herself as a sex kitten keeps her young, more power to her!
( @Adirondackwannabe, I look and feel sexier than I did in my 20’s too)

@Judi I came across a story of someone taking their grandmother out to lunch one day and the waiter was a real hot young guy, maybe 20. The grandmother looked at the guy’s ass as he walked away and she turned to the granddaughter and asked “Do you think he’d do me?” I’ve never forgot that one.

Dressing attractively and carrying oneself as attractive is different from “sexy” as a 20 yr old. Attractive for someone my age (mid fifties) is different.

But I also see your point. A colleague who is roughly my age calls it “being invisible.” It matters not how well we look, when we get on the train in the morning, we are barely noticed by women under the age of 35, and even then it isn’t being checked out.

Story: when I was 47 I had appendicitis and had to get it removed. I mentioned to a younger guy with whom I worked closely that the scar was pretty big. He asked to see it, and his response was “Dude, what are women going to say when they see that?” I told him “hey, I am 47 and married, that’s not happening in the first place.”

I just turned 52 and striving for “sexy” is not my thing these days, however, “sexy” is much more than just physical attraction. I am an attractive female, but, I am also confident, open, playful, very humorous and THAT is the bigger draw, and the one that lasts longer than physical attributes.

Infact, I find it really amusing, often, when I feel I am in a rather frumpy mode I get complements by strangers on my look.

I was pumping gas yesterday and a woman in her 30’s I’d say was going on and on about how much she liked my outfit and called me ” cute.” haha

Nice little ego stroke sure, but, while I’ve enjoyed being a “cute” woman I have always wanted to be valued for my humor, brains, and personality over my tits and ass.

The sexiest time of my life was in my early to mid-forties, because the physical and menta;/emotional/spiritual parts of me were fully integrated. Self actualization really makes a spirit shine!
A woman in her prime could kill a man. lol

What I considered sexy in my 20’s simply doesn’t appeal to me any more. I still try to look sexy only with more clothes on that can accent my curves without making me look vampish. I don’t think I stopped trying to look sexy, but rather my taste in clothes has matured. My daughter is in her twenties and I’ve taught her that you can be pretty well covered and still look professional and sexy at the same time.
Sex appeal isn’t from what you wear but from how you carry yourself. I think a mature confidence always attracts attention at any age and can be considered sexy by many.

I am 45. I was never someone who obsessed with appearances, because as a teen my parents didn’t have money to buy the designer jeans that had just become all the rage; plus I was already curvier than my peers and very self-conscious with low self-esteem. In my 20s and 30s, I was struggling with depression and progressive weight gain. I had my son at 25, so he is nearly 21. I also made it through college and grad school and started my career 20 years ago. All these things took priority in my life over the superficialities of appearances.

Around the age of 40, I made breakthroughs in my mental health and found a sense of confidence that I’d never had before. I’ve learned that confidence is the most attractive feature on a person. I am significantly overweight, but I take care of my health, and my skin and hair, and I wear clothes that are appropriate for my size. People tell me that I look at least 10 years younger.

I live in New Jersey, and I see far too many people who are obsessed with appearances. I recall waiting to pick my son up from his 8th grade school dance, and seeing a mom and her 8th grade daughter in matching mini-skirts with Ugg boots—Ugh indeed. Why is a woman who was clearly over 30 trying to dress herself and her pre-teen daughter as if they were both Playboy bunnies? I don’t grasp the mindset. And they had a huge Hummer too, of course. I see women my age with tough, wrinkled skin from tanning, and then they try to cover it with makeup, botox and surgery and they look frightening, and they still try to dress like 23-year-olds. It even more creepy when I see men with dyed hair, plucked eyebrows and botox.

I am fortunate that I found a man who finds me attractive because he sees the good qualities in my appearance, but he also sees my character and loves me for who I am. He tells me on a regular basis that I’m sexy, when my “pleasingly plump” form is a far cry from the cover models’. He sees me as sexy because he sees all of me… he sees and knows how comfortable I am in my own skin, a quality that most young women – no matter how hot they are – don’t have.

Being in my 60s and I have never stopped trying to look my best. I never leave without clean, pressed clothes, clean shave and clothes that are in style(not old fogie clothes). I keep my weight to height within limits.

Just because you are older, does not mean you have to dress like an “over the hill” person.

Just make sure my casket has a laptop in it, so I can read my text messages about how good or bad my funeral service was.

I will fight my older age forever and clothing does make a difference.

And, never leave without a smile on your face.

Growing older is not about being an old fogie, it’s about staying young as long as you can.

I stopped when I got married. My husband didn’t marry me for my looks, although he liked and still likes the way I look. I never really tried to look sexy, but there was that pink angora sweater. . .and the lipstick red knit dress.

I agree, I was the sexiest and most together in my 40’s, there isn’t enough money in the world that would make me go back to my 20’s, being naive, shitty relationship issues, lots of fears and anxieties…bah! God I LOVE being a mature woman!

My daughter is 24 and wow..I don’t know what I did right, other than being an available and consistent mom, but she is far more self secure at her age than I ever was! :-D

@Coloma I would agree with that. I hated my twenties but then I’ve always been a bit of an old soul. I just turned 39 and I feel truly confident. In the past I was falsely confident. I really love every bit of myself and I don’t think I could have said that even 6 years ago.

It’s true, youth is wasted on the young. haha
I’ll take wise, savvy, and strong over sexy any day of the week, although the combo plate is nice too, but yeah, burning through our youthful neuroses is a good place to be.

Haha..well, the story is just as amusing!
I had ordered a giant, 7 foot long, memory foam, beanbag loveseat for my movie room.
The UPS guy, seriously, asks me if I need any “help” unpacking the monster and loiters for like 15 minutes while I’m in my PJ’s trying to make an exit.
THEN..he finally leaves to COME BACK about 5 hours later to tell me he is “off his shift” and THEN, starts asking me all sorts of personal questions and loitering around again til I just walked away. Turns out he LIED about needing to come back here for a signature to his superiors, and told them he would be “late” coming back because he forgot to get a signature that was not required. lol

Yeah, flattery mixed with psychopath, I’m not sure whether he was in a Penthouse forum fantasy land or a sociopathic killer.

I prefer to think of it as never starting to try to be sexy. Early on I realized I would never be cool. Cool is sexy, right?

But lately, having overcome mental illness, I have discovered the joys of being confident. Of feeling confident. I need do nothing. I don’t need any new conquests. Finding out that my wife actually loved me was perhaps the most amazing gift of my recovery process. Not only does she love me, but she does think I’m sexy. She does want to… uh… well, she wants to do things with me. I always thought she was just doing it for me. Not because she wanted to.

There are moments when I get a feeling that if I wanted to, I could pick up this woman. Makes me feel good. Makes me feel like I’m still attractive or sexy or whatever—not that I ever really thought I was sexy. I don’t do anything. But I like the feeling that I could.

With all due respect to you, @willbrawn, if I tried to look sexy to you and others of your generation, I’m realistic and just bright enough to know that I would scare you and put off my contemporaries – not to mention my kids who are probably older than you are. I like being funny when I can pull that off, but I don’t like to set myself up to be laughed at. (I can handle it when it happens, you know, but I don’t try to set myself up as a clown or laughing stock.)

However, as @JilltheTooth the mentioned, some of us develop compensations for wrinkled skin, bad eyesight, loss of muscle tone and a paunch: sometimes we get smarter, more patient, wiser (if we’re really lucky and work at it) and just plain “more fun” ... sometimes in ways different from what you expect, and sometimes in exactly those ways, but with skillz you know not of – yet. And when a younger person who appeals to us happens to see through what @zenvelo and I agree is a sort of “cloak of invisibility” ... then fireworks can ensue. (One of the compensations is an occasional accumulation of just enough wealth to be ‘comfortable’ and not worried about the rent from month to month. That’s an attraction that often can’t be denied, especially if you do worry about the rent from month to month.)

When I was (probably) around your current age I had a wickedly delicious (and brief) affair with a woman 17 years my senior, then later that year another (much longer) with a woman who was only about a dozen years older. I remember them both very fondly.

Two years ago the tables were turned on me and I was pursued – and allowed myself to be ‘caught’ – by a woman who was 19 years my junior. And pretty much all she knew about me from the time we met online until we actually met in person months later was… words on a screen. I don’t have a big bank account or flashy car (which she would not have seen in any case) and I guess I’d be invisible to you at the grocery store… but sometimes I’m not.

@willbrawn as some others have said, if we tried to do “sexy” the way a 20 something does sexy we would look foolish. Just because we don’t look hot to you doesn’t mean we don’t look desirable to each other.
I recently had a guy who was much younger than I am tell me he hoped he could someday have my “I don’t give a damn what anyone thinks of me” attitude. Then he said ” that is very appealing”.

There is a lot of validation in this thread. I’m tired of boys my age and attracting the worthwhile, attractive ones is a matter of speaking well, exhibiting confidence, and well… it’s definitely not flashing tits and ass.

That goes for both genders. Put forth what you hope to attract. I wish I were 40 and flirty.