President Assures Public Everything is Great, Attempts Joke.

President Bush held a press conference this afternoon to tell the American people that there are no problems and everything is just fine despite assertions in the media to the contrary.

"I stand here before the American people to tell you there is nothing wrong. Everything is great. There are no problems", Bush stated at the start of the press conference.

John Stafford of the Miami Post asked the President about the Iraq war. Bush replied, "that's the best war we've ever had. Everything is going so well I wouldn't even call it a war. Everyone loves us over there. Ask Tony Blair. He'll tell ya the same thing".

When questioned after the interview Blair responded, "ah yes. Pip pip. Everything is fine. Now, if you'll excuse me I'm late for a meeting with the British Tea Council. Dear, do we have any more Earl Gray?"

Science writer Paul Flemming quizzed the President on Global Warming. Bush replied, "Do you think global warming is a problem? We've had one of the nicest winters in history and you people are complaining? I can come and go from the White House without a jacket in the middle of January and no one has to shovel my limo out. Global warming is the best thing that ever happened to this country".

One reporter asked Bush about the escalating crisis in Afghanistan. Bush dismissed the question by stating, "c'mon. Ask me about something important".

Bush further elaborated that the economy could not be better and everyone is making lots of money. "As far as I can see everyone in the country is happy", Bush said among peals of laughter from the news media. "You see? These people are laughing".

Bush attempted to make the reporters laugh even harder by telling a joke. "These two guys went to the Iraq War. One of them says to the other, ‘do you like Iraqi food?' The other guy said um...something that was very funny but I don't recall what it was right now. But it had something to do with suicide bombers and death."

Bush assured the reporters he would get back to them with the punch line later.

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