The Loneliness of Elliot Rodger

As details begin to emerge about the horrific acts of violence that Elliot Rodger committed, I think many of us may be feeling a duality of emotions, both utter shock at the brutality of the attacks, but also a bit of frustration that these acts of violence continue to happen in the country without any real meaningful attempts to stop them. Without a doubt, the acts that young man committed were absolutely terrible and my hearts goes out to the families who have suffered a loss as a result of this tragedy.

His story though, more than some of the other mass shootings that occurred, has a strong theme of loneliness in it and the shooter himself used the word in his YouTube video. People often link these mass shootings to the theme of a loner, solitary person. However, there are also some other characteristics that are thematic including the fact that they are generally young males, utilizing guns that are legally obtained to perform these acts of violence. To say that being a loner, or suffering from loneliness is the sole reason for these mass shootings would be misleading. However, it certainly appears to be a factor. Indeed, feeling separated from the rest of humanity removes one barrier to committing these crimes. If you don’t feel a part of the human race or worse, you feel injustice from others, you probably feel less guilt about killing them.

After looking through Elliot’s story, there were some very strong themes of loneliness in it that I typically see in those that are chronically lonely. Individuals who are chronically lonely, often experience a constant, overwhelming feeling of loneliness in which there is little relief. The loneliness themes include:

A troubled childhood. In Elliot’s case this included his parents’ divorce. In his autobiography, Elliot mentioned his parents getting a divorce when he was 7 years old. This caused him much grief as a young child. Individuals with chronic loneliness often experience at least one very traumatic event in their childhood. These traumatic childhood events leave wounds that are often difficult to heal and overcome, especially if there is not the kind of supportive network needed to go through these very difficult experiences.

A heightened and distorted awareness of others’ relationships. You often hear lonely individuals lament the fact that everyone else seems to be in such loving relationships and they are the only ones who cannot seem to get one. I call it a heightened awareness because when you do not have something, you tend to notice it all the time, whereas ordinary people often are not as acutely aware of it. I also call it distorted because every time a lonely person sees a couple, the assumption is often that they are a happy couple in love, that they have no problems, and have attained the very thing the ultimate close relationship the chronically lonely person so desperately desires. What they don’t see (or choose to ignore) are the fights that such couples may have, and the troubles and doubts and fears that may underlie the relationship. They see what they want to see in the couple, a mirror of their own desires rather than the reality that actually exists there.

Reacting to chronic loneliness with violence. If loneliness is chronic, the reaction to that feeling can become violent. Think of violence though in a much broader sense. In Elliot’s case, violence was directed towards others and was brutal. The violence does not have to reach the extreme of killing, but it can manifest in other ways, including being physically, verbally, or emotionally abusive. Indeed, even before Elliot’s Day of Retribution, he had been aggressive towards others. But violence can also be turned inward as well. The most brutal of these involves death as well, in this case suicide. But it can also involve more subtle forms such as taking drugs, cutting, or overeating.

A lack of awareness about one’s own contribution to their loneliness. Everything about Elliot’s situation was always everybody else’s fault. It was other people’s fault that they rejected him. He was baffled by how his roommate and others, who he considers less than himself, could get into a relationship and he could not. He considered himself a perfect gentleman and yet somehow was still rejected. We all have a blindside, and for lonely individuals that blindside is often how they themselves contribute to their own loneliness. Given Elliot’s actions, it is clear that he may not have been the perfect gentleman, there were clearly things about his behavior that was a cause for concern for people about being in a friendship or relationship with him. What those things were, were unknown to Elliot because he refused to acknowledge his own contribution to his loneliness.

A growing distrust and hatred for others. Chronically lonely individuals also have flawed thinking and expectations with regards to others. They often assume that ALL people cannot be trusted and/or that they will always get rejected in social situations. From a teenager, Elliot began to assume that all of the popular kids, especially girls would reject him. It is safe to say that some of them had, but he then assumed that everyone would. This kind of defeatist thinking would certainly influence his interactions with these groups of people in ways that would continue to support his expectations, resulting in a self-fulfilling prophesy. Indeed when he decided to throw drinks at others because of his assumed rejection of him, it only enhanced his status as an outsider.

A romantic partner is the best way to cure loneliness. A very common thinking of chronically lonely individuals is that the best way (if not the only real, meaningful way) out of loneliness is through a romantic relationship. Elliot highlighted this again and again as what he desired the most, the love of a woman. It tormented him that he was still a virgin, something he viewed as a failure, because he was unable to gain the affections of a woman. His assumption is that if only he had that romantic relationship, everything would be better. Sadly, this is rarely the case. Just because you are in a relationship with someone else, it doesn’t mean that the loneliness goes away for good. It may certainly go away for a few months, but eventually it returns. There are lots of people in relationships, who are also still chronically lonely. What is really, truly desired is deep meaningful friendships, whether it is in a romantic relationship or not. The trouble though, is that creating and maintaining these deep meaningful friendships requires a lot of hard work and a lot of growth and maturity on the part of each individual. You have to be able to love yourself before you can love anyone else.

Constant rumination instead of seeking help. Rumination means to go over thoughts constantly. Usually rumination is used as a means of managing one’s emotions, especially anxiety. It was clear that Elliot ruminated a lot based on the YouTube videos he made and the memoir he wrote. Rumination spirals you down and down until you get to your low point, or in Elliot’s case, adopting misogynistic and racist viewpoints and the planning of mass murder and suicide. You can’t cure with chronic loneliness by thinking it through by yourself. You have got to engage the professional services of a competent therapist. You’ve got to talk to someone else, let them know how you feel. It is such an amazing relief to chronically lonely individuals when they learn they are not the only ones that feel the way they do. Normalization of lonely emotions has a dramatic impact on lessen the intensity of loneliness.

When I continued to explore Elliot’s story, these loneliness themes stood out to me. It was clear that he was chronically lonely, not just cause he said he was lonely, but by what he said and wrote. Unlike some previous shooters where there was a clearer case of mental illness, Elliot just seemed to be really isolated, lonely, and rejected by others. Unfortunately in our society, if all you are is just lonely, then you are simply labeled as a loser and rejected. Without a doubt, Elliot probably felt the brunt of that prejudice early on, and this rejection contributed to his devolution into hateful beliefs and violent actions. Chronic loneliness is not even a recognized mental illness according to the DSM-IV. If you went to see a therapist about feelings of loneliness, chances are your therapist may begin to treat you for depression, because in the mental health community, loneliness is often thought of, quite incorrectly, as a subset of depression.

The purpose of this blog post is neither to justify Elliot Rodger’s actions nor to elicit sympathy for him. He made a conscious decision to commit these terrible acts of violence, to commit mass murder. There is no excuse for it. It is my hope instead to raise awareness about the issue of loneliness. For those who are chronically lonely to realize that they are not alone in the way they feel, to raise awareness about the awful stigma society places on those individuals who are lonely (#lonersarentlosers), and to advocate for greater services for those individuals for experience loneliness. People are going to commit mass murder one way or the other, but if more people feel connected to others and less lonely, taking the life of another is going to be more difficult to do.

Elliot Rodgers made zero effort to make a change. He spent his time ruminating and seething against all other people. If one is lonely, there is lots of help out there. There are websites galore on the Internet that have helpful tips on meeting people and putting one's best foot forward. Meetup.com provides thousands of opportunities for everyone on the planet to attend social functions. There is a group out there for anyone, unless you are living in on the South Pole.

Elliot Rodgers got something from being angry and dreaming of killing people. His roommates tried to be nice to him and they're now dead because Elliot Rodgers killed them. People who are angry and miserable because they are lonely need to work on their anger and misery first before the rest of us give them the time of day.

Rodgers appears to be a part of a phenomenon I call Universal Romantic Rejection. Although I don't believe this phenomenon was the proximate cause of his horrific homicidal actions, I do believe it is a very real problem that merits study.

There are many people in our society who avail themselves of the myriad opportunities available to single men and women, but who have nevertheless made it into their twenties, thirties, and beyond without having ever established a romantic connection with another person. The reasons for this happening are, at best, poorly understood (as the above comment demonstrates), but improving our understanding of this could do a lot to reduce suffering by reducing its incidence.

Additionally, such research could save lives, because even though people suffering from Universal Romantic Rejection rarely exhibit violence against others, violence against themselves is far more common, as people conclude that their failure to demonstrate personal value to potential romantic partners is due to a lack of personal value.

1. There is a huge difference between being alone and being lonely. There are people who are never alone, and always feel lonely.
2. There is no help for those who are lonely. Therapy can't treat loneliness; I've done enough therapy to know that. Loneliness is not the same as depression—no treatments exist to effectively treat loneliness
3. People sense loneliness in others and treat it like an emotional plague. Lonely people are rejected and shunned as social pariahs. Getting out there means lonely people must act fake & pretend—which other people also sense and avoid. It is a trap with no escape.

I was acutely and chronically lonely for most of my life, until I accidentally found a therapist that I really bonded with about 5 years ago. I was lonely even though not alone, as I had a wife and daughter. At 55 years of age, I was very bitter and resentful, achingly lonely, and hated my life, life itself, and myself. I could not trust anyone to get close to me. I was suicidal, yet there were people around me. She helped me to let go of the defense mechanisms I was using to push people away in order to protect myself from rejection and abandonment.

Don't give up hope on therapy, Anonymous, as the therapist for you might be out there somewhere. Check out http://support.webofloneliness.com/ if you want to meet fellow sufferers of loneliness and discuss the difference of being alone and being lonely. I agree with you, there is a world of difference between the two states of being!

Who gets to act fake and pretend? Everybody. We all get to hold our tongue, be nice to people we'd rather not and go with the flow. No, we can't just be dribbling our actual thoughts and feelings all the time. That's life. Therapy and rumination about one' s loneliness probably won't help, making small changes probably will.

I'm struggling with the idea that there's nothing underlying the your loneliness.

I personally struggle socially for so many reasons...I'm an introvert, and I also don't pick up on social cues well. I also attend to, learn, and process information differently which really impacted me in school.

Mr. Anonymous - You raised some nice points.There are legions of guys out there who have NO women in their lives, and it is their own choice. It is a life they have chosen ( not feeling entitled to anything, just no desire to play the "game") and they do just fine, amid insults and requests (?) to "change into pickup artists" who they should want to be.
As you just said, they are supposed to act, fake and pretend to become the wonderful social people who they should desire to be.
As you can see from the many unhappy posts in reaction to yet another violent tragedy, the insults go on and on.

Well, you are both right and wrong here; society does not "owe" the ill and disaffected anything. However, we had best attend to their needs, because they can impact us in many ways, including the kind of violence committed here. We are, in fact, "our brother's keepers".

Apparently; I was considering this viewpoint while waiting at a bus stop. As is typical of a public (though not free) service for mostly immigrants and the poor, it offered the bare minimum in comforts and was situated across from this eyesore back lot dumpster.(I'm not poor, before you skip down)

Being 'treated with a sort of mild neglect, like a stray dog or an unwelcome guest' is a general issue of status and power whether it's in high school or adult society

I actually feel sorry for rodger I can relate to him on one thing, and that is his frustrations of getting a girlfriend, I'm 23 and still a virgin, but I would never commit such terrible acts like these. Rodger should indeed suffer for what he has done, but I completey understood his loneliness and frustrations.

It is true of governments, legal contracts, and even intimate relationships--such as those between spouses. Implicit social contracts bind society together. While what gives these contracts, legal or otherwise, validity is the intention parties have to honor them, and while this is in part dependent on what the parties perceive their needs to be, society nevertheless depends on the trust embodied in varying types of contracts.

When the government or a spouse or even an acquaintance breaks trust, the consequences can be catastrophic and long lasting. Humans are social animals, and we've evolved to work--emotionally and physically--in groups of varying degrees of trust and intimacy. It strikes me as disingenuous to claim we don't owe struggling members of our group anything.

A parent caring for a very ill child expects the community to pitch in to some degree—tax contributions to services used, some minimum of health care, and some marginal patience, for instance. And it's not just because the one needing help is a child. We do expect "something" from one another. We buy into the protection and salubriousness of the group through, in part, a currency of mutual consideration. No, the cosmos doesn't guarantee that people will care for each other. But when we ourselves or those we care for are suffering, we do indeed behave as if we expect some minimum of conciliatory behavior from our community members, as well as help beyond what the normally functioning individual might (not) need.

Lastly, it's becoming apparent that acting on the belief that we don't owe others (like Rodgers) anything is, beyond the ethical implications, sociologically counterproductive. Neurological, developmental, and behavioral characteristics of human beings, science is showing us, are significantly impacted by interactions between the individual and the community--starting with the mother in early infancy, and continuing well into adolescence and beyond. So if we feel we don't owe each other anything, then we are tacitly accepting the potential for horrible behavioral effects from neglect and abuse. I'm not excusing others' reprehensible behavior. I am, however, advocating social and medical policy in line with empirical evidence about how humans develop.

As someone who was chronically lonely, and who now volunteers to work with the chronically lonely, I really enjoyed this article! It is a brief but enlightening look at the often tragic results of not addressing the epidemic of loneliness, particularly among young men in our society that get cut off from the healthy connections that many of us take for granted.

There is a widely held misconception, in my opinion, that there are plenty of opportunities out there for chronically lonely people to easily meet with others and to socialize. It seems like such a simple problem to those of us who never suffered from it. Therefore, the chronically lonely often get little empathy from the public, nor effective support or treatment for their plight. Sometimes the results of this can be devastating!

Mr. Vaglica -- Sounds like there are MANY people out there, male and female, who would be delighted to hear how YOU changed your life after you dealt with your own loneliness.You seem to have beaten it!

I suffered from an inferiority complex, fear or rejection and abandonment for much of my adult life. These fears and beliefs caused me to isolate myself from others, primarily in order to protect my fragile psyche from what I feared would be further damage. After 5 years of psychotherapy with a very experienced, gifted and compassionate therapist, I was finally able to overcome these obstacles to emotional intimacy at the age of 60. I have started making real social connections again.

Often our own beliefs and fears cause many of us to unconsciously construct walls to keep others out. However, these walls eventually imprison us in a sort of solitary confinement, not of the body, but of the soul. The result is often chronic loneliness. Most of us are surrounded by people, yet ironically some of us can't really connect with anyone.

Mr. Vaglica- Congratulations upon how you overcame! I just love that part when they want to tell you that you think that the world owes you a living, and owes you female companionship. They love to say that.It makes them feel better.

if he was diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum, then that can certainly have contributed greatly to his social isolation. There must have been many red flags that were tragically not noticed in time to get him into effective treatment. Not sure if he alone could have found any relief from his suffering without some sort of intervention by mental health care providers. Perhaps he was a ticking time bomb, just waiting to go off?

I don't know anyone on the autism spectrum who is a "ticking time bomb", but as you pointed out, it would have played a role in his social isolation. More factors are involved. We'll learn more over the next week. This is the second shooter in two years time who was on the autism spectrum. I imagine this is hard for those in the autism and Asperger communities. My heart goes out to all the victim's families, the Rodger family too.

Dr., you need to acknowledge the fact that Eliott HAD been, and even still was, "under treatment" (including the usual, easy, pallative of "medication"), and it was not sufficiently effective. His parents attempts at engaging some "big brother" sort of help were well advised, and something that we all might try, but this of course is just one more, financially compensated, service that eventually just goes away when the money leaves or the personnel move on with their professional lives. This young man had some specific physical and personal problems that might have been minimized with some continuing, hands on, help and guidance, but no one seemed to have enough time for it. Hopefully, perhaps this case might help others.

I disagree that this was all loneliness. In many cases, particularly Elliot Rodger's, loneliness is the result of mental disorder. Elliot had been diagnosed with autism. Indeed, from reading his manifesto, it was clear he exhibited many autistic traits including inability to understand or empathize with others and obsessive-compulsiveness (his aunt remarked that as a child he would obsessively fold his clothes, and he was obsessed with losing his virginity and dating a model girlfriend).

He didn't want, or know how, to form connections with other people. To him, people were just objects to acquire. He imposed loneliness on himself, by shutting himself away from other people. He could have befriended his roommates or course-mates. He scared all his best-friends away by talking about ripping off peoples' skin. His obsession with himself and attractive blonde women left no room for any friendship. He probably had autism, OCD, narcissistic personality disorder and anti-social personality disorder. That kind of personality would struggle in most environments, let alone Hollywood. It's a shame that he wasn't treated more effectively.

I think this article succeeds in the objective of raising awareness of loneliness.

But, it is apparent in the news stories about Rodger that he was being treated by therapists. So, I disagree that Rodger's case is evidence that we need to refrain from "constant rumination rather than seek help." Rodger had not only sought help, he had professional help.

What Elliot Rodger did was horrific, but I find it hard to accept that instead of ruminating so much, he should have looked for help. He was so immersed in his own perception of life that he did not think anything was wrong with him. He was not of the right mind to go asking for help. I think what is lacking in mental health is an effective way to reach narcissistic personalities. Empathy is what could have helped him the most.

I felt very lonely as a young kid, but had a few rather unreliable friends who would only be friendly if there was no one else available. This situation continued up to my early 20's, when I realised the way out was to shift my thoughts from thinking about me (which I found painful), to thinking about other people. I deliberately sought to find out more about new acquaintances by asking questions and showing genuine interest in their lives.I never talked much about myself or my problems, or feelings, unless I was absolutely sure that people were genuinely interested. Even then,I always kept something back. I found people responded to this, and I found more genuine friendship, and also found it much, easier to get girlfriends. I also decided to reject media stereotypes of how 'happy people' should lead their lives - I never watch any TV or Films or (now)social media which purports to reflect 'desired lifestyles - with me it became WYSIWYG. I have been happily married for 30 years, a successful career, and have four great grown up kids. The modern trend towards narcissism and its focus on 'me', combined with believing the media distortions about how to be happy, will inevitably, and ironically, lead to the very unhappiness and loneliness people seek to avoid.

We gave up cable TV more than 10 years ago, prior to that we greatly limited what we watched. Every couple of years, I'll turn on the TV and am shocked as to how much worse it's gotten, as if that's possible. Today, we buy or rent movies and series on DVD that we think we'll enjoy. For news, we listen to the radio or read news reports online.

Your experiences in how you approached developing relationships parallels mine. I continue to put the needs of others before my own as much as I am able. The only difference is that because of my differences, or disabilities, I've only experienced limited success in my relationships, in my work, and financially, though I do have a loving and supportive family. For this, I'm grateful.

I think what's helped me most along the way - (psychological testing and therapy was a only a starting point only for me, NOT an end) - is reading books that help me understand myself, how to do things better, and how to be in community with others. Almost all of my relationships are with those who share my character and values.

My readings in recent years have been on the effects of childhood abuse and trauma, learning how to manage anxiety and stress, health, also on happiness and resiliency. I enjoy conversing with people on these subjects, that is, when and where I can. It's hit and miss. Stephen Covey, through this book, 7 Habits of Highly Successful People, was a huge early influence in my life. I read fiction too, primarily children's fiction, but some adult fiction too. I look for books based in reality - (sometimes painful, other times joyful) - with positive messages and insights that keep me inspired.

It easier for you to judge or label Elliot with mental disorder. But it takes decades in the making to create Elliot, so I doubt your close to the truth. Next time try taking months maybe even years without talking to anyone I mean not a single soul, see how that twist your mind. Trust me you won't see thing as you do right now. Elliot was a fictitious man that want to turn into an actually existing man.

How about this.

Would a misogynist mass murderer have a real chance of happiness if he just try to talk to a girl?