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I’m scared to ask how and when I’ll die. Even more terrified of the answer. Strange– because I come off to people as brave.

I’m scared to ask how I’ve wasted my time. On who? What were my options? What would have been the best choice?

I’m scared to ask am I’m living up to my potential? Am I chipping away at my character for the sake of pleasing people? Which is truly more frightening: success or failure? Why have I opted to fail, to stop so many times? Why can’t I stick to something? Above all, why am I more dedicated to others and their causes than to my own?

When will I uncover my purpose?

When will I make time to listen to the depths of my mind? The faintest whisperings of my heart?

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I can’t lie. I’m not exactly into soccer. Going to a game? AWESOME! Watching one on tv? Ehhh.

None of that matters much though because I’m waitressing at a sports bar for the whole thing. I don’t get to watch a lot of the game… or any of it. However I do get to meet amazing people! I met a few Brits who were a little reserved at first but by the end of the night I had taught them the basics of baseball and was navigating them through the rest of their time in Santa Cruz.

Today was a shit show to say the least but the customers didn’t care too much. It was obvious we were over packed (the photos are pre-chaos). There was no seating, all of the standing space was taken by even more seats or people desperate enough to spend 3 hours on their feet. I couldn’t take a step with out bumping into some one. Imagine carrying a tray of beers through a mosh pit… that was my life. Every time England or Italy scored People jumped up, drunk and unaware of their body parts be flung about– right in to a beer.

Pre Patio Chaos

It got to the point where I felt like I was on some crazy ass roller coaster and just wanted it to come to a stop… but it kept going. Finally it came to a chair scraping, people rushing out the doors halt after Italy won 2-1.

Before the chaos ensued I had sat a lovely couple. They ended up being journalists and I don’t think anything could have made working today more worth it and exciting than that. They gave me their cards and told me to contact them because of course I had mentioned I also love to write and am studying journalism.

All in all I LOVED MY CRAPPY SHIFT TODAY!!!

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So I did it. I started a go fund me account to finance starting an online and print Surf magazine for women. I feel nervous and overwhelmed because I know that, well I took on a huge load. At the same time I am beyond excited!

After a whole day thinking and pros and cons I decided it was best to start something huge like this with just one focus point. One sport. After researching more women’s sports magazines I saw a few that look at all female athletes and I knew that wasn’t for me. The idea hit me because I’ve always been drawn to the Ocean, to surfing and because of that I think I saw how down played women surfers are. So when the idea hit me it was mostly to bring awareness to these women. To inspire the younger surfers to not be just sex symbols in a mans surf magazine but show the world what they’re made of, their real talent and struggles.

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You want someone who inspires you to be the same you that you are when you’re alone. The you that loves dancing in the kitchen wearing last nights sweats- or singing way off-key in the car so loud the car next to you can hear every awful note. Even the you that burns your dinner twice and then orders pizza because there’s no way in hell you’re trying one last time.

You want someone who makes you want to be better because you constantly watch them shower people with compliments and they pull generosity out of their pockets for people they just met. You want someone who encourages you to pursue your dreams, a person that leaves you notes on napkins and sends you reminders of the little victories you’ve had.

You want someone who makes you laugh so hard you cry. And the only times you cry will be because they’re hurt and what hurts them hurts you. You want someone who teaches you to look beyond yourself, that shows you how to love others but still love yourself.

You want that one person that in a crowded room only has eyes for you and you can feel their warmth across the room but they don’t feel the need to sweep past every one and hang all over you. You want someone who can enjoy your independence as well as your time together.

You want someone who loves the same adventures you do. From tossing your board in the water and paddling out in to the waves, to throwing your board on to fresh powder and crushing a path to the bottom of the mountain, or maybe your type of adventure is getting lost in a book or going around the board collecting money and trying to not go directly to jail. Whatever your adventure is you want someone who is always up for it.

You want someone who will argue with you but kiss you when it’s all said and done. Someone that uses reason even through their passion and can listen and communicate with out it becoming exhausting. You want someone who might need a few minutes to compose themselves after an argument but will come back with a pint of ice cream and Nerf guns, because every fight should end with a smile and chasing each other around until you find yourselves in a frenzy of passion.

You want someone who only tells you a lie if it’s white. Someone who you can trust as far and deep as the last galaxy.