Sunday, March 23, 2008

the next life

to me, one's birthday is your own personal new year's day. it is a start of a new year in your life, a reminder of being alive, being a part of this life, a recollection of all your memories you've collected in this world. i tend to get contemplative when my birthday nears, not in that fear and dread of getting older, but more in the what have i done and what do i want to do kind of way.

recently i was hit with this moment of clarity which has yet to leave me completely. instead it has stuck somewhere beneath my skin, an internal tattoo, reminding me of a personal truth that i refuse to ignore. it was simply this: i have a lot i want to do in this life so i better take care of myself - body, heart, mind, soul - because i intend on sticking around for a good long time.

call it a resolution, though i do loathe the expectation of failure that seems to attach itself to "resolutions". or better yet, just call it a path i would like to take. it is not change exactly, or even redirection, if anything it is direction. places and spaces, feelings and desires, none of them new...just...i think i have spent far too much time focused on drama, other people's emotions, perceived expectations (that were possibly not true), and insecurities that put up ugly obstacles full of words like "can't", "won't", "never", "impossible" and "regret".

not everything works the first time around, but there is more to life then clinging to mistakes, or false hopes. so, happy birthday to me, as silly (and possibly narcissistic) as that sounds. i have a lot of living left to do.