the wait….

I simply can’t stand the wait to hear whether I’m going or not! Today makes it 8 days away, 7 if I am allowed to get there a day early to settle in. I don’t know if I should start settling things here for leaving or not. I don’t know anything… the coordinator said not to worry, that it’s a done deal except negotiations but nothing is a done deal when dealing with insurance so until she says, “yes, you’re in,” my anxiety will be through the roof.

I’m worried, very worried that I may be too sick to go in as well. I don’t know what it’ll be like eating a full meal, something I haven’t done in ages. I can barely get down my meager amounts. If I feel even remotely full it leads to disaster. I try, I fail, I try, I fail… I can’t keep doing this.

Today, and this week, I’m just going to do what is familiar to me, for good or bad. I don’t really know how else to cope. I mean, my therapist talked extensively about how it would be helpful to develop an ability to tolerate being uncomfortable and it would be better to start this process before I go in, but my tolerance is approximately zero! So then when I fail, I feel bad. When I fail again and again and again, I feel worse. Do I continue to fail with the result of destroying any sense of being able to survive, to make it, or do I simply give in so I can survive? I know it’ll be that much harder when I go in but I have to get there first, right?

Ugh…. I didn’t want to update until I heard from her but need to get my thoughts out of my head so I can manage the day.

I went for a walk this morning, only a ½ hour at a moderate pace, to give me some sanity. I’m not supposed to be doing any exercise; I’m supposed to be keeping as still as I can but that results in over-whelming anxiety so I chose to walk. I’m taking it easy now. I had a wee bit of breakfast and will do what my therapist suggested: setting my timer to remind me to eat. I don’t really need to do that though since I watch the clock and think about eating all the time while, at the same time, feeling the calm that comes with hunger.

I was playing cards with my neighbors last night. I’ve told them I’m going to a special clinic to help my GI issues. They can accept that. Anorexia came up in reference to someone else and they said it was good I didn’t have that and that I wasn’t that thin………. wow. So yeah – fat, fat, fat. I had mentioned that I would be larger when I returned. They said you may not be and that I looked fine. One lady said it wouldn’t hurt me to add a few pounds (a comment I discarded immediately). What a horrible discussion. I do have muscles and extra skin from when I did gain some weight (after you’re 40 your skin stays stretched out because of loss of collagen) so yeah, I don’t look as thin as I technically am. Plus they assume you have to be skeletal to be anorexic. This was about the worst conversation we could possibly have had! Fortunately I am rather numb so it simply confirmed, in my head, that I’m not thin. I won’t act on it because I know what I look like, I know the condition of my body. They only see me in bulky clothes because it’s winter and where I live that means snow, ice, and freezing temperatures.

5 thoughts on “the wait….”

Hang on in there this week. And remember thinness isn’t an indication of severity – I believe you need help whatever your weight might be- it’s also not an indicator of how much life the illness eats up- nor it is a badge of honour- don’t listen to your ED voice when you have those thoughts. I hope the week passes quickly for you.

I just want you to know that I am thinking of you and praying for you today as you receive the news.

Also, you talked about learning to tolerate being uncomfortable. I remember this season in my recovery – learning to eat again and fighting not to use any of the go-to purge options that would tempt and torment me. To be honest, the only thing I could do after eating that would calm me down for the first few weeks would be to curl up in a ball and go to sleep until the feeling passed or became more bearable. It worked for me. A much better coping mechanism than any form of purging or other dangerous vices you can be tempted to pick up to numb the pain. The point is, I believe you can find a healthy or neutral coping mechanism that will help you get through those initial stages of discomfort and then, with time, you will get better and better at it.