The Presidential Candidates Ranked By Their Usefulness In A Bar Fight

Forget who you would vote for in a contested primary. It’s time to think about which presidential candidate you would want to have on your side in a REAL fight.

14. Ted Cruz

Let’s be clear here: Ted Cruz is not just the worst presidential candidate to have on your side in a bar fight. He is the worst possible human being to have on your side in a bar fight. And it’s not only because when he speaks he sounds like Eddie Murphy doing his nerd character. It’s that everyone hates Ted Cruz, and they hate him for a reason. Not just Democrats, everyone. Ted Cruz is famously and vigorously loathed by everyone in his own party. Fellow Republican Bob Dole has been out of politics for like 20 years and even he takes the time to hate Ted Cruz.

That is because Ted Cruz is on nobody’s side in any fight but that of Ted Cruz, and he’s more than happy to tank the side he’s supposed to be on if it will win him even the tiniest personal gain. Elderly moneyed relatives of Cruz must get distinctly jumpy when he comes to visit.

This isn’t just a warning about having Cruz on your side in a bar fight; don’t even enter the same bar as Cruz. As Cruz’s government shutdown stunt illustrates, he’s the guy who will goad, insult, and posture until you’re suddenly in a brawl you never wanted or needed to have. Once the fists start flying, he scoops the tips off the tables and weasels out the back.

Do not have Ted Cruz on your side in a bar fight.

13. Donald Trump

Another big talker who prefers that other people take the consequences of his barreling around. It’s baffling that so many of Trump’s fans still think he’s a tough guy when everyone who has been in so much as a playground dustup knows that anyone who feels the need for that much bluster is going to fold like a paper crane once an actual fight starts. Trump is going to be a screamer, a cryer, and a bleeder. He’s also going to be the guy who immediately starts shouting “No fair!” and tries to get everyone to stop the fight and start over because of some bullshit rule he just made up like everybody was supposed to take their jackets off first, and if they won’t stop, the win doesn’t really count.

Trump is going to howl bloody murder the second someone lands the first punch on him — which will be instantly — and he’s going to be out the back way almost immediately after Cruz. The best you can hope for is that he won’t be able to resist insulting the kitchen staff and gets his ass kicked on the way out.

He’s going to break into a run as soon as they belt-and-ear hurl him out the door, and he’ll be on television recounting his made-up heroics while you’re still getting punched by some biker who’s wearing an enormous signet ring. Do not have Donald Trump on your side in a bar fight.

12. Rick Santorum

Rick Santorum has spent his career being publicly uncomfortable with people who have gaydar. But in this case, he should be more personally concerned with fraydar. Because, as you’ll notice, the instant you read his name, you thought “Oh, Rick Santorum can’t fight.” You don’t know how you know or when you understood it, but you know, deep in your soul, right in your very bones, that Rick Santorum cannot fight. Most people internalize it as a deep universal truth, a core principle like gravity or the forward direction of time, within eight seconds of hearing him begin to speak.

I’m not saying that Rick Santorum won’t want to fight or try to fight. He will sincerely do his best, which is what puts him well over having finks like Trump or Cruz on your side. It’s just that his best will consist of windmilling his arms while squeezing his eyes shut tight.

If you must have him on your side in a bar fight, try to spin his high, keening wail as a battle cry.

11. Mike Huckabee

At last we hit someone on this list who might have an idea of what fighting might consist of. I am not for a moment suggesting that Mike Huckabee would be particularly good at fighting. Just that he knows what a haymaker should look like. He’s not actually going to throw any haymakers or any other kind of punch, of course. Huckabee is a rush-and-shove kind of guy.

The advantage to Huckabee being on your side in a bar fight is the same thing that makes him keep losing the Republican nomination: Underneath the carefully smooth and reasonable-sounding tones, that little fucker is mean. Listen to him talk about The Homosexuals or a woman who has become pregnant in a context of which he does not approve. While he won’t be a skilled fighter, until he gets taken out (which will be early), Huckabee will hit hard and low, and he will bite. You want Huckabee on your side in the same way that warring medieval lords wanted hardy but disposable peasants on their side: He’s not a power player, but he might slow the enemy down for a second.

10. Rand Paul

While we’re fighting dirty, if you want unbridled eye-gouging, shots to the testicles, rabbit punches, and possibly tasing, look no further than Rand Paul. Paul claims to be a libertarian, but he’s not the old-fashioned kind who cares about individual freedoms on principle. He’s one of the new kind of “Libertarians” who care deeply about their own you’re-not-the-boss-of-me manbaby freedoms, but are fine with legislating women’s bodies and letting other people in general lose their voting rights and/or die horribly, right along with schools and sidewalks. Paul also got in hot water a few years ago for saying that he doesn’t think passing the Civil Rights Act was such a hot idea. So he’s what we now call a Libertarian, but we used to call an asshole.

Rand Paul would be freaking deadly to spend time with in a bar, but he’d do some useful (and horrific) dirty fighting damage in the first 30 to 45 seconds of your bar fight, right up until he decided he might be at some tiny personal risk and abandoned you by skulking out the same exit that Cruz and Trump disappeared through.

Note: If he is on your side in a bar fight, you might be able to get an extra minute of usefulness out of him by blocking any fire exits. God knows he won’t pass any legislation to stop you.

9. Ben Carson

I know it seems like Carson should be lower on this list. He always seems to be waaaaay too relaxed — even sleepy — to be able to react well, and he’s done enough Trumpian lie-bragging about fighting to suggest that he will in fact be abysmal in a bar fight.

But the man has been a practicing surgeon and presumably will know more about anatomy than anyone else in the melee by far. If he doesn’t have a scalpel on him, get a steak knife into his hands. As a bonus, no one will be able to tell what he’s talking about during his pre-fight smack talk. That will make Carson seem like a frightening wild card. Use it.

8. Martin O’Malley

Will Martin O’Malley win you a bar fight? No. But he has certainly demonstrated that he’s the guy who will stay in there and keep plugging when he’s in a battle that he absolutely, positively, with 100% metaphysical certainty will not win. He won’t surprise you. He won’t suddenly snap into Berserker Mode. He won’t be someone you necessarily remember is there. But he will keep swinging, and attention must be paid.

7. Jeb Bush

Yes, I know your fraydar just went off again, and went off hard. It’s probably still shrieking and you’re trying to figure out how to get the damn battery out. Stay with me. It is true that Jeb will never in a million years be able to fight, and that the absolute best-case scenario for his bad-ass ready stance will be him putting the backs of his fists up high and forward in the Victorian fisticuffs pose. It is also true that this smack talk will be wretchedly awkward, and he will stumble over poorly constructed shoe insults before he finally gets frustrated and calls someone on the other side “New money.”

But Jeb Bush is a big dude, and as long as you can quickly get him to untuck his shirt and just loom there while remaining completely silent — I SAID SHUT THE FUCK UP, JEB! — he’s going to be at least a factor in getting the other side to think twice about starting the fight in the first place. Once things get going, he’s, again, not going to be a good fighter. But, much like the current election, he will make his peace with the fact that he’s in this awful thing now and there’s nothing he can do about it, so he may as well see it out. Jeb’s going to be a lurch-puncher, the guy who swings too hard with zero control, but his lunging and crashing may actually do your side some good. Don’t be afraid to shove him into opponents. He’ll understand.

6. Marco Rubio

OK, sure. Whatever. Much like the Republican race, Rubio is ranked this high because he seems to be in reasonably good health and everyone else in the fray is so screamingly awful.

5. Carly Fiorina

Fiorina is yet another well-documented liar in this pack (wow), but she hasn’t to date lied about fighting, which suggests she may be hiding some real goods. We certainly would have heard about it if Fiorina had been taking Krav Maga or something, but it’s undeniable that she’s a scrapper. And completely coldbloodedly ruthless. It’s entirely possible that she’d come at the other side after strobe-stunning them with a demure pink tactical flashlight she’s been hiding in her purse.

There’s no way she is winning the presidency, but don’t write Carly Fiorina off in a bar fight.

4. Chris Christie

Again, Christie is not going to be one of the best physical fighters you’ve ever seen, but it’s a good bet that the guy knows how to throw a punch. Plus Christie has the intimidation factor. He knows how to be mean, loud, and carry menace. And he’s a powerful man from New Jersey, which means everyone is going to assume he’s mobbed up. That’ll make people think twice, and you may not have to have a bar fight at all.

If a fight does happen, he’ll get a few respectable shots in, and he may bellow loudly enough to drown out Santorum and Jeb. And, win or lose, you’ll have the comfort of knowing that when it comes to being vindictive, Christie is a complete and total bastard. Your side may have a few lacerations and broken ribs, but the other side just woke up to find out that their bridges and subway lines have been closed and there will be no trash pickup until 2019. Revenge is a dish best served on a buffet of sorrows, and Chris Christie is their new maitre d’.

3. John Kasich

John Kasich is your stealth weapon in a bar fight. He seems boring, like Rubio levels of boring, and then you find out he wants to do lunatic shit like create a government agency to beam Judeo-Christian values to other countries.

Kasich is the guy who shows up to the bar in business casual and turns out to be carrying a butterfly knife. He’s the guy who scares the piss out of everyone by wading into the deepest part of the fray while swinging double-fist thunderpunches and screaming an extemporaneous sermon.

He’s the guy carving tattoos into his own arm with a broken bottle, the guy who palmed a handful of darts twenty freaking minutes before you even sensed there would be a fight, the guy who is slamming someone’s head into the bar long after the fight is over, screaming “Taste it! Taste it!”

You do not want Kasich in any sort of a leadership position ever, but you definitely want him on your side in a bar fight.

2. Bernie Sanders

Yeah, I know. Bernie is old. I don’t care. Nor will anyone on the other side. He’s wiry, he’s mad, and he’s dealt with way too much bullshit to take anyone else’s.

Picture a furious Bernie Sanders coming at you while brandishing a pool cue and screaming at his mid-speech Full Righteous volume. You’re damn right you’d be scrambling backwards while trying to cover your vital organs. If you see even a hint of an impending tavern brawl, get Bernie on your side immediately, and use him for cover if you’re injured. They shall not pass.

Honorable Mention: Lindsey Graham

Though I think it was an entirely correct decision, I’m a little disappointed that Graham dropped out of the Presidential race, because this is where I would have ranked him. His parents ran a bar/pool hall/liquor store when he was a child, so the man knows his way around bar fight strategy. He will have the kind of deep, intuitive knowledge about brawling that little kids who were raised in snow country have about skiing or hockey.

But what really earns him this spot is the fact that young men who live in certain areas of this country and do not display enough broad stereotypical indicators of macho heterosexual masculinity have to learn how to win a fistfight, and they have to learn it early. I guarantee you: Lindsey Graham can fucking fight. He’s not going to be easy to goad into a bar fight, but once it’s on, Lindsey Graham is going to go full-on balls-out hammer-down mad-monkey terrordome crazy, and he will take on three guys if he has to. Hell, he may take on three guys just for the sheer pleasure of it.

Lindsey Graham isn’t on your side in a bar fight. Lindsey Graham is your side in a bar fight.

Really? You want to pull your girls-can’t-fight nonsense with this one? She may not be great at those dumb campaign-trail talk-show things where she has to dance or laugh delightedly at silly anecdotes, but you’d better believe she’s going to be a natural at throwing a punch. Not to mention the fact that she’s had freaking decades of politely French-pressing rage over bullshit sexist coverage of her serious Presidential campaigns and the entire world’s media speculating on intimate details of her marriage. Hell, Hillary Clinton probably needs a bar fight.

Plus, Clinton takes care of her own. If you’re on her team and you’re in a fight, she’s going to be breaking chairs over people’s backs. And I don’t know where she got that bike chain that she’s whirling over her head, but there’s no time to think about that now; just be glad you’re not the guy she side-kicked into the juke box. Or the one who just had a beer stein spiked into his head.

When the fight is over, be sure to thank her with proper respect, buy her a beer, and relish the speed with which she composes herself and the shining pleasure in her eyes.

we need a youtube of the fatcunt who wrote this shit scrap. she talk like she know wwhat the fuck but she from the rich cunt birthday party crew. them bitches ain’t worth reading an their artistitic pretense dried up like their pissclaims in july, in death valley. labia in the sunlight of satan’s asshole.nah if this cunt want to write about fighting we need to know she ain’t just some flop cunt feminist who still expects and demands chivalry. you know the slap ugly skanks? they think they are equal shit talking about what is on tv to the reporter in the war zone? media jew garbage.

DrLearnALot

That was really fun! Thanks!

John Cross

Clinton for sure. And I bet she can lay you out and you won’t have a visible mark on ya. Just like she done to Bill after all his philanderin. BAM!

John Cross

You got Rubio w3rong, tho. That guy would talk up a storm, get everyone pissed as shit with his squeaky voice, and have his boots on and out of there before the first blows landed. Probably right after Cruz.

Tike Myson

Liberals are so dumb

Melissa

This is just fucking beautiful. I think you’re right on with all of them, but I’d fear that Hillary might, if she saw that the other side was winning, would just up and switch sides. And the next day say that her feelings had changed, she’d given it more consideration and thought it was best.

jmk

After a quarter century of the other side slinging the worst accusations they can muster at her, hypocritically tsk-tsking as they gleefully destroyed her private life, and sliming everything she cares about, I’d seriously doubt that she’d even spend a tenth of a nanosecond considering joining them.
Everything in her history shows that, if she’s nothing else, she’s loyal.

What makes this metaphor so accurate is the fact that Trump really IS trying to instigate a conflict in which he will not personally fight.

Shaenon K. Garrity

Then brag to anyone who will listen about how he’s the best at fighting.

jwbmore101

This is the saddest thing I have seen on the internet. Liberals, leave the tough guy stuff to everyone else but you…it makes you look silly.
inb4: “I need a safe place and we need to ban that flag for triggering me but I know how bar fights work and have been in a physical fight in my life”
lol

The real truth is trump is the only one with verifiable proof to ever be in a physical altercation and win with a man with a baseball bat none the less…I don’t support trump so don’t get your feelings hurt and get biased on us.

philip d

There was also that time he beat his ex-wife so he’s probably got a lot of practice punching things.

jwbmore101

Was that a proven case or is like one of those bill clinton rape accusations…lol

O and according to this joke of a article women should have no problem fending off donald trump right?

philip d

He was even punching adults since the second grade when he punched his music teacher in the face because he said he didn’t think he was very good at music. That’s in his book.

In fact that might be a good slogan for his run “Trump 2016: punching people he doesn’t like since second grade”

jwbmore101

For sure m8 because according to this article’s narrative, how some one fares in a fist fight is prudent and an interesting enough aspect of a candidate to write this sloppy trash. Funny how liberals are great at holding two belifes at once on one hand you want to paint trump as a bully yet here we are suggestig hillary would be the FIRST to wip some with a chain and donald would not throw a punch….just silly is all.

Also, your word-use is telling and entertaining (“prudent”? I think you mean “pertinent”. Trying to sound intelijint??). “Belifes”? “Your”? “Dicotomy”? Extremely typical low-brain-pan Trumpfan. You might do better to stick with 3rd-Grade level words that are easier for you, like, say “dummy”, “loser” or “smart”, as does your dummygod Trump.

jwbmore101

Again m8 you are that kid getting bullied and telling your bully hes a coward, its just silly really and another reason why your ilk should stay away from the tough tony talk and bar fight analysis kek. The real truth is you are triggered and have no real rebuttal to anything i have said the liberal party are fetishist for this type of nitty gritty real life appeal of a fighter and warrior imagery but are actively fighting people facing the real world so much so to ban words and flags because you are so cowardly you cant function around them. SO be honest in this trash article and say hillary would condemn the violence and be a pacifist and probably get beat up and not “swing a chain” out of fear of offending black people.

Funny we can do this all day but according to the narrative this liberal article is spewing a 60 some year old women should have no problem fending off trump no? Or is this just as i said a pathetic joke from all time victims lol

bonkerslite

You’re talking about everybody having hurt feelings? Look in the mirror and dry your tears, clem. Getting a might too worked about a piece of satire.

jwbmore101

lol pathetic.
#oppression #triggered #banhatespeech #safeplace

smendler

Carly is the one with the poisoned nail polish.

LawsonL

Even crap like this is partisanly biased.

Rhonda Simms

Seriously, they call Fiorina a liar but not Hillary, the biggest liar in all of politics from either party? Give me a break!

jmk

Oooh yeah… the “biggest liar in all of politics”… because that one time, she said that thing about being under fire in Bosnia!!

Inara Kaspya Korah

Tell that to the people she abandoned in benghazi. You do NOT want Hillary on your side in any fight.

BillStewart2012

Cruz won’t be on your side, but if you’re standing near him, everybody’s going to try to hit him first, including the other Republicans.

JD Mulvey

I mostly agree with this list except I think Jeb should be higher. He personally isn’t good for much, but when he’s on your side, you also get his whole family and their financial backers, plus Cheney’s family and James Baker too.

Lemmy Caution

Also, Jeb would probably get tangled up in his own feet and fall down in seconds, creating a useful obstacle that would hinder attacks from that quadrant.

Thorn Spike

Plus 5/9ths of the Supremes.

J_JamesM

Hillary Clinton’s entry could have been shortened to “They will never, ever find the bodies.” Still, freakin’ hysterical article.

Carlos Danger

Hillary? Really? She’d trip you before running away, brag about whupping the whole bar as super fire flew over her head, and deny ever knowing you.

Teegester

Martin O’Malley: “Attention must be paid.” The Arthur Miller reference is pure gold.

aliceblue

You overlooked one positive about Cruz – his punchable face. He would’t be of use if you were trying to win the fight, but if you wanted a distraction so that you could get out the door he’d buy you about 5 minutes as everyone worked him over.

Patrick Rock

Hillary gave Bill one heck a black eye after he confessed to his side-action with Monica. She wasn’t gonna leave him, but she made sure he felt some pain first. #IronLady

Hank

Without doubt the worst analysis I’ve ever read. Grandma Hillary (more than any of these people she has others do dirty work for her) would not be much help in a fight, nor would Bernie who would probably have to pause to take Geritol or two. Not sure I’d want to run into Chrtistie, O’Malley, Fiorina or Santorum — I think they all have a mean streak and unlike your top two can bench press more than 50 pounds.

bonkerslite

Literal troll takes things literally.

Humor…it is a…difficult concept.

Rusty

Hillary has been in a ton of bar fights and won them all. Oops – sorry, turns out she mispoke about that one too.

Rod Lindsey

This is by far the best piece of campaign writing I’ve seen all season. I have to admit, before I read it, I made my own list and it jibes quite nicely with this one. But I think Fiorina should be higher. She strikes me as inherently dangerous.

Lemmy Caution

Agreed. She’d be the one slipping a shiv into someone’s kidney from behind.

Vienna Woods

Yeah, but you can’t guarantee that she won’t be slipping that shiv into your side… this is Carly we’re talking about.

Shaenon K. Garrity

Yeah, there’s no way this doesn’t end with Clinton and Fiorina going at each other with chair legs.

wondering where the other drop outs or only-formed-and-exploratory-committees fall on here. Jim Webb once killed a guy, Perry shot a coyote while jogging and Biden is Biden.

Flitandersen_99

I thought I was going to see something funny or entertaining. Instead I get the commie drivel from what is clearly some red-diaper pinhead who got into his mom’s computer again. Yeah, vote for Hillary, comrade. She’ll fix this country RIGHT up!

John Carter

Learned to talk watching Fox News, did you?

MooseMalloy

Obvious troll is obvious.

Flitandersen_99

PS – I don’t know about throwing a punch but we all KNOW she can toss a mean glass ashtray. Just ask her bohunk skirt-chasin’ hubby….

jmk

“bohunk”? Seriously?

Flitandersen_99

Yeah, seriously. Look it up – low-rent white trash. That’s a perfect definition of our boy. If Hillary hadn’t pulled him out of the gutter he’d be the joke of Plookaville today.

jmk

Sorry, cupcake, but I don’t have “look it up”… because I know that “bohunk” is an ethnic slur aimed at people from Bohemia and other parts of Eastern Europe.

It’s nice to know bigots recycle.

Flitandersen_99

Well, YOU can take it that way if you really feel the need to be insulted, but nobody else has for 100 years. Since “modern times” it has simply referred to “white trash”. Did I strike a nerve with you? Too close to home? Jeez, get a life pinhead.

Flitandersen_99

Well, YOU can take it that way if you really feel the need to be
insulted, but nobody else has for 100 years. Since “modern times” it has
simply referred to “white trash”. Did I strike a nerve with you? Too
close to home? Jeez, get a life pinhead.

jmk

It’s adorable the way you could possibly justify calling someone who taught YOU something “pinhead,” cupcake. You must have some very interesting dreams.

And no… it struck no nerves with me other than my instinctive loathing for bigotry in any form.

Hilarious that you aimed “getaclue” at someone who clearly knows more than you do, though.

The comedy you twits generate never falters.

BigYaz8

Hillary met Bill when both were at Yale Law School–after he’d graduated from Georgetown and attended Oxford as a Rhodes Scholar. Classy gutter. And by the way, it’s “Palookaville,” not “Plookaville.” You’re welcome.

Flitandersen_99

Hey Yaz – regale us with one – ONE – important thought this BOHUNK ever expressed. You known – an ORIGINAL insight into a meaningful subject he brought to light. When he wasn’t “cutting slices” off the interns or the young sluts around him. Pinhead. OH sorry – in YOUR case – Microcephalac!

BigYaz8

“If you live long enough, you’ll make mistakes. But if you learn from them, you’ll be a better person.”

–Bill Clinton.

Of course, you first have to be capable of ADMITTING your mistakes. –Me

By the way “Microcephalac” is not a word. You’re welcome again.

Flitandersen_99

HE GOT THAT OFF A F**KING TEA BAG, YOU MORON….
AND Microcephalac is, in fact a word. I ought to know – I invented it.
PINHEAD!

This is flat-out the funniest thing I’ve read this year. Who knew that Lindsey would be the one to really watch? And I’ll bet that he knows how to deliver a mean sucker punch — holding a mint julep in one hand while delivering a devastating bolo punch with the other. Ha!!

Tcaalaw

If you’re allowing Graham in this fight despite him having withdrawn, it seems like James Webb should be able to get in on the action and should place highly since he’s actually killed people!

Villago Delenda Est

Brilliant. Simply brilliant.

ryp

Carson is rated too high, as he has admitted he’s just going to point to you and tell his would be assailant that you are the one he’s looking to punch.

I see Christie as a bum (or bull) rusher, myself. Dude has the mass to just wipe anybody out once he gets rolling, and he knows it. Much like the cannonball he resembles, he’s good for one broad swath of damage, and god help you if he gets you down.
It’s a comfort to know that I’m not the only person who’s been thinking about this.

blackfin66

I really do my best to stay out of bar fights, but I will keep this ranking in mind if I should ever get into one…presumably right after a debate so all these guys will be there! This was a fun read.

jpnairn

Bernie is packing, and willing to use it.

MooseMalloy

Sheep Dog Bernie? Are you joking? He’s got Kucinich’s old job. He’ll huff and puff until it’s time to rock, then push you at the nearest chain-wielding biker and make a dash for the door.

Johnnyfave

Anyone else start reading this & ended up spitting coffee all over their computer? funny shit.

VoteSmart

Oh Yeah!!!

zendoggie

Cruz is actually missing out on a fundraising opportunity. I’m sure plenty of people would pay $5000 to punch him once in the face.

john

Hillary is a liar and a traitor. She would leave you alone to die like she did in Benghazi, then blame a video for the bar fight.

zendoggie

That’s some sharp, insightful, informed stuff there! You are missing your calling as a political satirist.

Pomona Pete

poo poo. poo pee. wee wee. not to mention a limp wristed Obama.

kkseattle

He’s not running, moron. Remember? Cuz he already won twice. With real live majorities of the electorate. TASTE IT!

I’d never trust your top rankings: Hillary would throw you under the bus, take a back door exit and deny she even knew you. Make Peace not War Bernie would first need help out of his chair and then insist on paying for everyone’s bar bill with your money.

Paxmelanoleuca

I’m sorry but this is a load of bull… Hillary as #1? This is the buddy who talks you into a fight, then backs away with his/her hands in the air pretending they don’t know what got in to you… Bernie needs to be high, for sure. Whatever goes down, the man’s gonna follow through…

Chris Christie probably needs to be #1. Dude may be a little burned out, and he definitely isn’t going to win any beauty contests, but he’s a Jersey boy. He’s not going to leave you hanging. (Let alone the whole “Bridgegate” scandal thing. Dude fights dirty, and dirty is how you win bar fights…)

If you want us to vote for Hillary, just say it. Don’t waste our time with this “barfight” bullshit.

Sanders has lost the battle with senility already and Hillary, she would be the girl who keeps running her mouth and gets her boyfriends ass kicked. Though this is hilarious in a pathetic way. Trying desperately to make some positive out of Sanders and Clinton… But hey, at least it also was not funny either… So you got that

CACorey

I wouldn’t leave it to some liberal pussy to figure this out. Chris Christie would have pinched Joe Biden in the face if he tries laughing in his face and have you seen Rubio stare down Jeb!, Ted, Chris, and The Donald in these debates. He did the same with Charlie Crist and would be relentless against Hillary, who is too arrogant to be all that useful.

The greatest sin James David Barber ever did when he created his Presidential Character chart system was leaving out whether or not your President is capable of handling him/herself in a bar fight.
You’d be amazed at the historical list (Washington, Yes, Jackson, OH GOD, Lincoln, dude invented the chokeslam so Yes, Teddy, Sh-t YES, Harding, Surprisingly Yes: Buchanan, Pierce, Taft, probably not) if you ever applied this metric to our Commanders-in-Chief.
That said, this is arguably the greatest determinant of our next President we will ever need. Polling precincts need to print this out and post them on the walls.

I read every issue of Spy from cover to cover, and this is the finest short piece of political humor I have read in decades. Brava.

Too busy to play

This HAS to be the most insightful, intelligent and accurate article I have ever read on the presidential candidates. It brings the facts down to the level where ANYONE, anyone, even a first grader (especially a first grader) understands EXACTLY what is going on. Kids know at a young age who is the real deal, and there is only on real deal in this match: it is Hillary. She will fight as hard to save your ass as to save hers, probably more. She has been beaten up by the best of the bullies, but keeps her head high as she kicks them in the nuts without breaking a sweat. I respect that woman more than anyone in the public eye and can’t wait until she gets moved back into the White House.

Thanks for this article. It is a keeper and will be passed along to my social media associates to pass along to theirs.

David’s Carpenter

FTFY:

As Bill Clinton put it, “Loyalty? There’s no such thing as loyalty in politics.” Hillary Clinton would be on your side in a bar fight, at least until Sid Blumenthal points out that the biker who just put you in a headlock is wearing a Cincinnati Bengals jersey, and that fighting a guy in a Bengals jersey probably won’t help with working class voters in Ohio. Or until her pollsters tell that her having your back just might hurt her with seniors in Florida. She’ll join the bikers, tell you she “evolved” on the issue, and win plaudits from a plaint press corps.

Then she’ll say the whole fight was over a video anyway and blame the violence on the vast right wing conspiracy.

Of course, this is all until she spots the guy in the corner in the dark suit and sunglasses with the IFB in his ear. Then she’ll bolt, blaming a “scheduling conflict” and leaving without speaking to reporters.

You do not want Hillary Clinton on your side in a bar fight.

therock

I honestly think we’ve found the most retarded post of this election cycle.

BammerDown16

Cmon, HRC couldn’t last 18 holes with the Donald. And Ruth Bader Ginsburg would beat the crap out of Hillary in 2 minutes, I mean she would really be schlonged!

OneHits

Hillary would casually step outside amidst all the fighting, then a minute later militarized police storm the bar yelling “GET THE FUCK ON THE GROUND NOW!” and anyone who didn’t comply would be immediately shot. The ones who don’t get shot would be tried as war criminals.