n general
never take a beer 2 a job interview.
always identify people n ur yard b4 shooting @ them.
it's considered tacky 2 take a cooler 2 church.
f u hv 2 vacuum the bed, it is time 2 change the sheets.
even f u're certain that u r ncluded n the will, it is still considered tacky 2 drive a u-aul 2 the funeral home.

dining out
when decanting wine, make sure that u tilt the paper cup, & pour
slowly so as not 2 "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
f drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it w ur fingers covering the label.

entertaining n ur home
a centerpiece 4 the table should never b anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
do not allow the dog 2 eat at the table...no matter how good his
manners r.

personal hygene
while ears need 2b cleaned regularly, this is a job that shld
b done n private using one's own truck keys.
proper use of toiletries can 4stall bathing 4 several days.
however, f u live alone, deodorant is a waste of good $.
dirt & grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend 2 detract from a woman's jewelry & alter the taste of her
finger foods.

dating (Outside the Family)
always offer 2 bait ur date's hook, especially on the 1st date.
b aggressive. let her know u're interested: "i've been wanting 2
go out w u since i read that stuff on the fillin' station bathroom
wall 2 yrs ago."
establish w her parents what time she is expected back. some will
say 10:00 pm; others might say "monday." f the latter is the answer,
it is the man's responsibility 2 get her 2 school on time.

the governors of alabama, south carolina, arkansas, georgia, &
mississippi announced 2day that they hv made a disturbing
discovery n their states. apparently, a small # of al qaeda
terrorists hv b/c romantically involved w local redneck girls.
the result is not pretty & they now hv the sad task of reporting
the creation of a new sector of the human race: islamabubbas.

so far, only a smattering of actual births hv been reported, but
pat robertson's christian coalition is hard at work, along w billy grahm & jesse jackson, trying 2 isolate & seal them off. 2 date, the coalition has identified the following children:

couple of rednecks r out n the woods hunting when 1 of them
suddenly grabs his chest & falls 2 the ground. he doesn't seem 2
b breathing & his eyes r rolled back n his head. the other guy
whips out his cell phone & calls 911. he gasps to the operator, "i think Bubba is dead! what should i do?" the operator, n a calm soothing voice says, "just take it ez & follow my instructions. 1st, let's make sure he's dead." there is a silence, & then a shot is heard. the guy's voice comes back on the line,