This is the real, behind-the-scenes drama, yes drama, that goes on in the daily life of a woman pushing every border and redifining every label.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Suffer the Children

Dear Lily:

We haven't spent much time together in a long time, you and I. I take all the blame for that because I know right where to find you. If you want the truth, I avoid you these days because it hurts me so to look at you, to see you so scared, so traumatized, so alone. I feel guilty that I can't fix your hurts, take away your pain, or shield you from the awful thing you endured. It is that guilt, I think, that keeps me from visiting.

Dr. Linz, though, says that I need to visit you more often; and so, here I am. I am nervous. I am scared. I want to run away, but I also want to see you. I want you to see me. Not the bullshit smoke and mirrors we use for everybody else - I want to SEE you. I want to see the throbbing hurt so I know where to put the medicine.

I'm supposed to show you that the world isn't all bad; and I know that is going to be hard because I still think a lot of the world is bad. I'm slow to trust, too. I feel awkward just like you do. But you know what, Lilygirl? You survive. You do because I do. I have. I'm still here to carry you around in my heart. So I know we will get through this cycle, and I know we will spend more time together because I will make it happen. I know that we can learn from each other, heal each other, and love each other without guilt and pain. We are going to get there, Lily, if you trust me.