Lord Cameron To Outlaw Poorlessness

Tory leader, Lord Cameron of Snooty, announced the largest shake up of welfare reforms this week since Hitlers' rise to power in 1930's Berlin.

In a speech, clearly designed to appease the Conservative Right, Lord Cameron launched a blistering attack on the 'feckless poor'. He stated;"For too long now, the underclass in society have assumed the same rights as the slightly better off. We propose a financial cap on fertility rights to be set at two-per-cent above inflation. This is for the Nations and indeed, ultimately the poors' benefit. Take American policies up until the mid-nineteenth century, a clear example of Big Society in action. Thousands of people were kept out of abject poverty tending horses and picking cotton. This is compassionate conservatism at its best."

A recent consortium of business leaders and ex-public school boys, outlined measures aimed at solving the inherited deficit. A Government White Paper, A Poor Problem (The Final Solution), set out a raft of proposals aimed exclusively at cutting the welfare bill. Proposals put forward include:

All under 55's forced to move back home with parents.

Unfit Mothers to gain lawful weekend employment as Hound Baiters.

Pre-school age children to earn education credits by sewing Union Jacks onto old school ties.

More Bus Sheltered Housing for the elderly.

Defending the measures, a faceless Tory spokesman cited past policies as a major contributory factor in its findings. He said:"This country can no longer afford the level of poorlessness we see in society at the moment. There is no point throwing money at the problem until we get the core numbers down. Every single one of these proposals have been tried in the past and deemed successful. Indeed, reforms like these averted a major financial disaster with the Irish in 1852.".

In an effort to distance his party from the measures, Nick Clegg is said to be hiding under the covers with the lights out.

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