Stupid Questions

10-01-2008, 06:56 AM

Hello! I'm totally new here, mom of 4. 11, 5, 3, 1. I don't know why I haven't thought about coming to one of these sites for support before, I guess it just "occured" to me now!
I guess I have a question on how you keep your marriage strong and keep sane as stay at home mothers.
I have been going to therapy for almost a year because our marriage isn't the best, and I get lots of advice from friends that the problem is, my husband and I dont' spend any time together, or have any fun together, our whole life revolves around our kids, and we raise our kids by "emotion" not "praticality". I guess I never really classified us as AP parents, but we do sleep with our kids, hardly ever get babysitters, I did breastfeed them all........anyway, we both feel it's natural to sleep with our kids, but we get a lot of feedback from people that it's wrong and that's why our marriage is crappy.
I'm wondering how you all do it? If your kids sleep with you, how do you get a babysitter at night so you can go out? Do your kids just stay awake till you get home? Do you do things such as bible study or things without your kids? I have tried it at church, and I have a really hard time leaving my kids in the nursery because they cry, then my "friends" Bless their hearts are only thinking of Me and that I need time to myself and bible study, tell me, leave them, they will be fine and you'll be a better mommy after having time to yourself, but then i leave them crying and while in bible study i can't even concentrate or enjoy it because all I can think about is my kids! They think it's ridiculous. Am I just not hanging around w/the right crowd or am I really being ridiculous with things? I'm sorry I am rambling here, I guess I need some support and don't even know what to ask for! I feel like I need time to myself, but at the same time want to be with my kids. I feel like I want my kids to go to bed at a bedtime, but then we just can't seem to put our kids to bed without sleeping with them! How do you all do it?
Feel free to email me too........Avandergalien@aol.com

Hi, Just a quick reply... my day is starting and I don't have a lot of time....... Where are you located and do you have a local AP group?

It is often used as an excuse -- AP parenting behaviors as an 'explanation' for a tough time in a marriage. In reality whatever issues you are having probably would be similar regardless of how you parented your kids.
I know that if someone suggested to me that I would have to leave my kids crying to better myself, that would be bullhonky for I would be miserable thinking of the suffering of my babies!
I do make an effort to have that time together with my hubby and keep the communication going. Nighttime is the hardest time to leave my kids (especially the baby obviously) so often times we leave them with my in-laws during the day and we have lunch or an outing together.
I think your husbands opinion on the matter is important too. Does he blame your parenting for your marriage issues or is it just these friends?
Do you?

Comment

My husband and I try to do a date night at least once a month. Sometimes this date night is hanging out in the living room and watching a movie after the kids go to sleep and other times it is getting out of the house for dinner. We'll also go to a movie on a Saturday morning - just the two of us. My parents live close by and they watch my kiddos. This helps my husband and I stay connected.

Naomi had some good questions that you can ask yourself and your husband. Welcome to the site, lots of great support here.

Comment

i agree w/naomi. the issues you have are more likely related to something else, not your parenting style. dh and i were having issues a while back, and we did attribute it to sleep-deprivation b/c we wouldn't let ds2 CIO. but things got pretty ugly and we went to counseling. we discovered that our problems were related to communication, they were just exacerbated by the sleep dep. the way i see it, we were heading for trouble b/c of poor communication. the sleep dep. just got us there a little faster. but we were able to work on it, through it, and over it.

marriage is work, just like parenting. you do have to put as much effort into it as you do parenting. they're both relationships and neither will do well starved. it's all about balance and trying to maintain both, not one suffering for the other.

oh! and my favorite professor and dear friend always says, "there's no such thing as a stupid question!"

Comment

I think every marriage hits a rough patch. Do you have family nearby that could give you an afternoon out or close friends that might watch the kids while you guys go on an afternoon date. i've heard the afternoon dates work with other folks better than evenings because of bedtime routine. if your marriage has hit a rough patch i highly recommend together seeing a family therapist that you trust. Anytime DH and I run into a rough patch, we visit our "communication specialist" i.e. Phd. therapist and he helps us talk through the issues, hands me kleenex as i cry and it always helps us muddle through the issue. we've only had to do this once since having our son, but it really helped us get through the rough patch. also, i've noticed that if we get too busy to take time to be with each other, we start to feel disconnected with one another. it's hard to find time and energy for love making, but it always reconnects us as a couple when we make the time. it is important that you find a way to get some time to yourself. folks are right, you will be a better mama if you can fill your own cup with whatever pleases you. i don't leave my son at unfamiliar places or with people he doesn't know, but i do have a few people he trusts fully and will go with if i need some time to myself...grandma, a local family we love, my friend Christian and her son who is the same age, and of course, Daddy. We recently enrolled him in preschool 2 mornings a week at our church and he LOVES it! I was amazed at how well he transitioned and how much he loves his teachers and the curriculum and other kids. It has really given me a chance to catch up on errands, cook meals, take a break, return emails, etc. and then I have more time to fill my son's love cup. Plus, I have tons of energy when he returns home from school because I've had the break I need and I'm totally ready to devote 100% of my energy to him. It's a great question you asked, and I think many people grapple with finding balance in their lives. I know tons of AP parents who find this the most difficult tenent to practice. it took me three years to figure out what i needed to create balance, but we're finally in a groove that really works well for our family. I really encourage you to do what you need to do to get a break--and this means for you, finding care during bible study so you don't feel distracted. try some different scenarios if the church nursery isn't working, as it sounds like this is an important activity to you, and it will rejuvinate you as a mother. I'm not saying make the children suffer, just find a balance that makes everyone mostly happy and gives you the few moments to meditate and practice your faith. As you grow spiritually, you will likely grow maternally as well, is my guess. I'm glad you found this group, and keep asking questions. You'll get fantastic feedback on this site--as there are many wonderful AP families here.

do take care of yourself. everybody needs some "me" time, even if it's just every two weeks. i go to a 1.5 hour yoga class once a week. during this time, my 14-year-old babysits her siblings before my husband arrives from work. i used to worry and feel guilty, but the truth is, the kids will survive your absence! plus, you'll be a much happier and better person and mother because you take care of you!

if you need inspiration, take it from other stay at home moms, including homeschooling moms. sign up and listen to this free audio course on "hot mama makeover": http://is.gd/3pb7

about your marriage: it's a good sign that you're getting counselling. is your husband very much involved in counselling as well? does he also feel the need to work on your marriage? it does help to spend time alone as a couple. think of it as as investment in your marriage.