BB&W Rewind: Love is Blind, but Those People Staring at You Can See Just Fine.

December 24, 2011 | Christelyn Karazin |

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Blast from the Past!Brought back for our current audience to read & comment on.Originally published on May 30, 2010. _________________________________________

Most of us have been there–the old white lady in the walker whose false teeth smack to the sidewalk when you walk by hand-in-hand with your non-black boo. What do you do? Smile politely and try not to notice the string of spittle webbing from her bottom lip like that of a teething baby?

And how about Ku Kui and Um Fu Fu snickering, fat gold earrings clanking maniacally, as the two of you walk past Abercrombie at the mall? Or…and here’s the worst: the knot of brothers threatening to smack you to your senses with their enormous Mandingo penises.

And if this hasn’t happened to you yet, keep living–those folks are waiting on you.

I remember while dating my husband I was hypervigilant of people who might be checking us out. Remember that girl in the movie, Something New, how she felt like she needed to speak to every brother in the coffee shop just to prove she was still “down with the struggle?” Yep. That was me. I also recall feeling a little confused when a very dark chocolate man shook his head in disapproval at me and Michael at a restaurant whilst sharing his table with a woman who had only about 1/1000 African American blood–maybe her great-greater-greatest-grandmother might and been…Creole? BUUUUT, I guess that was black enough for him!

So next week I’m tackling a chapter about how best to handle outside scrutiny of interracial and/or intercultural relationships, and strategies on how not to let it negatively affect the relationship. In the meantime, I want to hear some of the coping strategies you all have employed to keep the disapprovers at bay. Based on the poll I posted, most of you don’t let curious onlookers get to you, and coming in at second place are those who know people are looking but just keep the blinders on.

But what keeps you from feeling self-conscious, angry, or hypervigilant? What strategies could you share with others so that they can better handle the pressure?

Let talk! And stay tuned…next week I dish about what the experts have to say about all this.

My mother remarried when I was 4 to my stepdad who is italian. My entire family looks like the rainbow coalition with all of my step brothers who are white. There were many times when me and my mom along with my stepbrothers got stares. Especially when we grocery shop and there is a loud black woman yelling at a little black girl and 3 little white boys in stop N shop…and all the stares would be blinding lol. I honestly can say that I never tried hiding the nonblack when we go out, if amything I would always hold him closer and tighter. When I’d get the stares from the disapproving, I’d just lay a big wet one on him and hold his hand…that will for sure getting them to talking. To me different races dating is great and I have never been one to shy away from what’s different.

Wow, an Italian step dad–pretty cool. It’s interesting how interracial couples respond to staring. It’s seems to go primarily two ways: big, fat, PDA, or feign complete obliviousness. Which way is best, I guess that depends on the couple. Thanks for sharing!

3YS

I am usually a lurker when it comes to all things net, but I had to make a (long-winded) comment after a recent incident:

My (white) BF and I were jogging at a park we don’t frequent and we took a water break at our car. A car full of black (roguish) young men proceeded to yell at me when they clearly saw my BF and I together. I ignored them of course, but they kept staring at us and parked next to us. We didn’t feel safe so we left entirely. On our way home my BF informed me that a black couple (roguish, also) that we passed several times were whispering and nodding towards us.

I know people stare and talk, but I am so in love with my man that everyone else literally fades into the background, white noise as far as I am concerned. I think it bothers my BF more so to make sure he is focusing on the right thing I make sure he gets my attention and I let him be affectionate in public because I know he gets insecure or unsure. I smile at him often, make eye contact, hold his hand securely…I even go as far as saying I Love You loud enough for spectators to hear. It’s not about making a show, but trying to engrain in a strangers mind that interracial couples are just as loving, “normal”, carefree, and secure as same race couples.

I admit, sometimes I like when people stare, it’s like-you see we don’t care, why do you care so much? I hope people assess their attitudes after seeing us together…Here is to hoping and three years strong.

You know, I am really fascinated by the flack BM give BW because they are just trying to be happy. Census evidence clearly shows that the majority BM aren’t marrying us and fathering our children, but white-boy-be-damned if he tries to show love and respect to a BW. I guess it’s one less woman they have to walk all over, and some of them must resent that. It’s like dogs peeing on a fire hydrant, marking their territory even if it has no interest in acquiring the real estate!

I love your response and methods to reassure your boyfriend is a loving way. This is good advice for other women who have been in such confrontational situations.

It means a lot that you wrote, and please continue! Welcome of the movement!

Most of this behavior can be chalked up to a mentality that revolves around solidarity of black people. Black men have been ridiculed, browbeaten, and slandered in society for centuries. Black women have been portrayed as hypersexual primeval animals. This backlash has resonated since black people got the right to vote. While I can understand why SOME are justified and feeling some type of way, I don’t condone most of it because people are constantly using history’s wounds to keep the rift between races open.

I got into it something FIERCE with a (now ex) friend of mine over this issue. Of course, most people who are SALTY over my relationship with a white man who loved and respected me before he even realized I was not only black, but AFRICAN, usually resort to ad hominem arguments, slandering him and some of the insults were so vile I won’t repeat them here.

The bottom line is, you have to be prepared for the social backlash. I’ve been prepping myself since he told me he loved me and I said it back. You have to learn to let old wounds heal. If people weren’t so busy looking BACK they’d be able to see what was right in front of them.

Aisha, that’s the key factor to remember as girls/women enter interracial relationships. They have to reject a Pollyanna attitude and be cognizant that people are going to look. The KEY is how you and your significant other process that scrutiny–will it cause you to grow stronger together with an us-against-the-haters attitude, or will it cause you to second guess the whole endeavor, and perhaps loose out on someone who could have been a wonderful mate?

Well, I honestly don’t notice anything, at least by ear, because I’m deaf, so I have very, very selective hearing; in other words, I don’t know what is being said unless someone explicitly tells me. I do have noticed stares from time to time but I don’t really pay attention as long as they don’t try to lay a hand on me. My hubby is a big guy and looks like he isn’t afraid to use his fists if it comes to that (he was in the military, plus he grew up with 5 brothers). Sorry, I can’t really give you any examples from the real world that I can think of.

Sounds like hubby knows how to handle business! Thanks for visiting, Lola LB.

NiQ

All this talk is wonderful and very empowering. I love seeing fellow sista’s with men of different races cause it shows how open they are and that they aren’t settling and can think for themselves. Now all I have to do is find me a guy out here in northern california, and it seems as of I’m going to have to to cave man and knock one over the head to drag home.

oo-ga, boo-ga! NiQ-in Northern Cali, it should pretty easy to find someone! It’s very progressive up there. How are you going about looking for a potential mate?

Robynne

Hi, I’m also usually a lurker but I’d like to share as well. I’m pretty good at looking right through people – especially when I KNOW they are staring. I perfected this technique long before I started dating out. I went to a predominantly white undergrad in a very white, small midwestern town where white people would stare at you for no other reason but for the fact that you are black. So I learned to look right through them. I’m no longer in that town (thank goodness!) – but when I’m out with my bf – esp in majority black areas – I look right through the people I know are staring. I really don’t care; most of them aren’t happy anyway and are resentful of what you have.

I think that is good self-protection tactic. Thanks for sharing. I’m sure other lurkers will appreciate your comment.

blackgirlinmaine

Its been 19 years since my first interracial relationship, at this stage in life I stare back at folks. Depending on my mood, I may smile or if I am sensing they disapprove I hit em w/the stank eye. To be honest I rarely do that, generally I find a direct stare back and a smile breaks the ice and we can move on.

All I can say is I wish I found this online community 2 years ago when my now husband and I were dating. I too was exceptionally bothered by the disapproving shaking heads and long stares. Not to mention the eye contact that I’d make with other Black people when we were out and they’d telepathically communicate to me “You know better.” I never felt the need to “prove my blackness” or anything, but to think that someone had the audacity to communicate judgment and disapproval about something they had no knowledge of (my personal relationship) really insulted me. I simply thought I deserved the common courtesy and respect that I gave to others, when I’m out in public. I mean there are a lot of things I disapprove of, how about the fact that your children are wild and swinging from the chandeliers in the restaurant and disturbing my meal – I disapprove of that. And what about the fact that you have tried to squeeze into a size 6 pair or jeans and a teeny tiny tank top when you know full well you have not been a size 6 since 1983 – I disapprove of that too! But I’d never communicate my disapproval and pass judgment on anyone. How I coped initially, was through Marc. My husband is a very strong and confident person, not the shrinking blond hair, blue eyed white boy the brothers expect they can intimidate. His ease in dealing with these situations has been comforting to me over the last 2 1/2 years, because it meant I didn’t have to. One situation which really stands out to me is our honeymoon in Jamaica, while ordinarily I find leaving the United States a “refreshing experience” when it comes to acceptance of my interracial relationship, during my honeymoon there was one employee of the resort who felt quite different. He refused to acknowledge me as Marc’s wife, he’d always make comments insinuating I was just the Black girl who Marc fucks regularly. Lets just say, Husband wasn’t having it. AT ALL. He told the guy, “This is my wife and you WILL call her that and give her that respect” with the ‘or I’ll have to kick your ass’ tone in his voice. I laughed quietly and thought to myself, GO BABY!! 🙂 I can’t quite say how I cope with it now, to be honest with you I think I’ve just gotten used to it and it doesn’t elicit the same emotion anymore that it once did. I know people look, and that’s fine because I know we don’t look like a typical couple so I understand doing a double take. But its the judgmental, negative looks that are bothering me less and less now-a-days. Recently I find myself flashing my bling, oops I mean my ring (lol) to some to telepathically communicate back “Yes he wifed me, so take that!” All-in-all, I suspect coping with the disapproval of anyone with regard to how you choose to live your life has a lot to do with knowing who you are and being confident with that. As long as you are with the love of your life, when it’s all said and done – this is the ONLY thing that truly matters. xox!

I am a mixed race (Indian/Portuguese) college student and I think that this a great blog with a positive message concerning an issue that is still controversial even today.

My boyfriend is white and I have noticed the stares / disapproval; particuarly from white women and non-white men. Waitresses will look me over almost angrily and any non-white man (black, Indian, Hispanic) with the exception of East Asian men will look at him angrily and me disapprovingl. What modern non-white men need to get over is the sense of entitlement that they have developed; any non-white woman is fair game. Doesn’t matter if she is getting a college education / is a top manager and you are a waiter with no other ambitions in life; if she turns you down, she must be a “race traitor” or “It’s because I’m black isn’t it???”. It never seems to cross their mind that maybe you want someone on par wih you (and why the hell not?) or maybe you just don’t like their attitude. Maybe you’re not attracted to them. Why is it that a non-white woman can’t turn down a non-white man without a load of abuse being hurled at her?

Another thing that bothers me is the accusation of being “whitewashed”. I do not look white and it always amazes people that I can speak properly, write well, have excellent grades, a lot of ambition and intiative as well as interest in the fine arts. It’s as if high culture is the territory of whites and whites only. I am always particuarly irritated when I hear this comment from other non-whites; do they realize what they are saying? Are they saying that we can’t be cultured, sophisticated and successful? It’s as if there is only one way to be a non-white woman. If you are a black woman, live up to the stereotype and be lazy/unfit/promiscuous. If you are Indian, you’re supposed to be sexually repressed, have a weird accent and smell of curry while only being interest in math/engineering. If you are East Asian, you MUST be very skinny, submissive and feminine. And of course, all of these women arent allowed white boyfriends.

PaigeinPhilly

he must be a real cutie…i notice that the white ladies generally are attracted to my man, then see me and get all pissy….

i guess i have been lucky, when i have dated IR, sur ei have gotten some lucks, even some stares, ( mostly old white people) dont really get black men staring that much, and once a black woman gave me the evil eye in the mall. that sucked.

but a few black people went out of their way to be nice to us, in the park a black couple came over to me and my then white bf and complimented us on how cute our puppy was. Another young black man at the library was nice enough to put quarters in the parking meter for us, he came eover to the car and spoke to us.

fast forward 2010 and i am in my early 30s, i am dating a white Jewish male in NYC. Now this is a pretty liberal city, and i do see mixed couples from time to timme ( honestly not as many as you would think though) so i do not have this sort of fear of reprisal or incidents as i would in lets say. oh Birmingham, Alabama where im from.

Sometimes i am hypervigilant, especially about what black people will think, but then i say to myself, what is wrong with me, i deserve a relationship. My bf also sets me at ease, he is very calm and cool and is quick to plant a kiss on my forehead ANYWHERE which used to mortify me, especially his PDA on the subway, nothing heavy but hes touchy feely. so i say to myself to be with this man, i have to let go of what other’s think and just well’ be with him. He appears to be just “being with me” and not give a damn, why should I?

I love this article, its nice to see that some people are relaxed and happy with their lifes 🙂
I am a White 22yr old female from England and my BF is a 32yr old Black man from South Africa. So were not just an Interracial couple, we are Intercultural too. We are happy, we laugh, we hug, we LOVE each other. Were so into one another, once we were walking together and because he was staring into my eyes, he fell over a dog! Serious haha! People do stare but we honestly dont give two *Bleeps* ….
They could stare because its such a contrast too…Im very blonde, and a lil barbie-ish (Not in a harsh way though haha) And he’s very dark with lovely big brown eyes, looks a tiny bit like Akon i think. But in the end its not about them, its about us, our lives. Live it and be happy. We only have one! Hope your have a great relationship with your fella and have a fabulous New Year!!!! xoxo

That’s nice Baby Jay, but that’s the norm. Better to keep these post from BLACK WOMEN. Black Women who are coming to grips of accepting love regardless of what race or color. I am very happy to see Black Women move forward rather than waiting for a Black Man to come and rescue them, which may never happen. It does not take long to grow old and alone. I waited for awhile and then I decided to explore other races. I have a white man and we are very happly married with two kids. It’s all because I did not wait…for what? There are plenty of men out here. Your sole mate just may not be of your same race. My man chased me down on my job for about two years until I finally gave in. He is the most wonderful husband any woman could have. I am so blessed to have him.

ForestElfQueen

I usually ignore…occasionally I’ve given back a weird look or made a crazy face. That usually does it. lol! The Bay Area is thankfully mostly tranquil. Paris & Marseille France are the best. I can’t recall ever getting a look there. might be different in other areas of the country?

I do remember going out with a guy in the 90s and we were in the Richmond District, SF, and this older asian woman was just transfixed… with a look of total shock and horror. My date noticed it first and we just laughed at her until she quit. That was one of the worst staredowns ever. super bizarre.

DeeDeeRussell

@ForestElfQueen You’re in San Francisco proper or outside of the City? ?

ForestElfQueen

@DeeDeeRussell i lived in SF when i was really young(don’t remember it much) & in the 90s for a while. I’m East Baying it now.

@ForestElfQueen Yup, fake fur weather. I have a question..why do folks say the east bay instead of the city they live in such as Oakland or Fremont? Nothing to be ashamed of.

ForestElfQueen

@DeeDeeRussell not shame here(it’s actually one of my favorite cities), just internet blog/ open forum paranoia esp on a troll magnet-y site…having children in school. I err on the side of safety.

in email/ yahoo lists i almost always sign w/ my name then city.

DeeDeeRussell

@ForestElfQueen That make sense to protect your children, privacy is a must. I do laugh at those who front San Francisco but don’t live here. Its too late for me to hide cause my persona involves San Francisco. Too bad only rappers claim Oakland, Richmond, etc. wish some fly arty sistas would claim Oakland and the East Bay.

amiar10

@ForestElfQueen

Been there! I’m pretty sure I feed off of stares. Spent all day traveling around the city with a rainbeau of mine. We got stares literally EVERYWHERE…walking down the street. Sitting at the bus stop. On the bus. At the bus station. Leaving the bus station. In the store. At the ice cream parlor. Figure if they’re going to look, make them feel stupid for doing so. We cranked up the PDA and laughing. The dead-eyed fish stares only got funnier. XD

Brenda55

I remember a situation I had early in my relationship with hubby. We were out at a restaurant and while he was talking to the greeter and arranging for a set I came up behind him and hugged him. Got the Awwwwww how cute from some folks except one AA middle age man who just glared at me hard. I chuckle about it now but at the time my reaction was much different. I moved away from my man and stood much more formally next to him. My eyes kept darting back to the guy with the glare and he kept glaring and pacing back and forth stopping in front of me to shoot his look. He was enjoying himself and his sense of control at my expense. The worst of it is that I allowed it to happen.

I thought about this incident a lot over the following weeks and came to some conclusions. Hubby was my first IRR. I was not his first so he was a lot more casual about the whole situation. I was not as secure in my relationship with him at that time as I am now. Then we were getting to know each other and dating now we are married and firmly committed. Our relationship is secure and that makes a difference. In fact it cracks me up the number of times he and I have gone out and started to get â€œthe stareâ€. Then they notice the matching wedding bands and things shut right down. I have to say that is weird. Finally I had some growing up to do and really had to think about what the threats are out there for IR couples. They are nearly non-existent. The most anyone does is look and most of that is because BWWM couple are somewhat rare, that is changing I know but we do currently make up a small number of IRRs out there. People are curious so they look for that reason. I also noticed that most of the BS from BM, when there is any, is directed to us gals and not our men. That spoke volumes to me. Once I relaxed I stopped all the scanning and looking for trouble. I am confident in myself and my relationship and am openly affectionate with my husband. What others think be damned. Hubby and I just are and that feels good.

That scene in Awkward Black Girl when she walks into the restaurant with White Jay and everybody, including the black man dining with a white girl, looked at them crazy….classic!

AvaRay

Thank you for posting this…very helpful.

Pearl

When people stare at me period it makes me laugh, some people look soooo ugly when they stare lololol..

Well i don’t have much strategy’s for interracial dating, but people stare at me all the time when they see me out in the middle of the day (when most kids are in school)

I do the ‘scratch your nose with your middle finger’

‘dig in my nose and act like I eat it’

‘scratch my privates’

‘scratch bf’s privates’

‘dancing’

‘laughing at their stupid faces’

as you can see the staring is more of fun and amusment for me lol, maybe because im young??

Britsher

Lmao this sounds like something I would do. @Pearl

Mocha Z

@Pearl You are so funny,lol! Young and self assured! yeah homeschoolers catch the “midday flack”. We spend most midday out between tennis and math/SAT tutoring at Coffee Bean. Everyone assumes my dd is in college. She gets a ton of stares. She walks with authority and presence that I cant even muster on my best day.

With her goals she is always in close contact with non black guys…comes with the tennis territory. Right now, she has a variety of Asian and Latino peers at her academy she attends. Tennis is a perfect sport for IRR as a teen…if you have a few seconds to spare.

Karla

Time is what has eased the self-consciousness and hypervigilance for me. My husband and I started dating in Northern Virginia, which, not exactly the South, is close enough. We’d get looks and comments, mostly from BM while strolling in Old Town Alexandria and it was worse the further south we went (we decided to visit Richmond one weekend; the looks were enough to make me uncomfortable and even my husband noticed). I have been swirling for so long, I figured out long ago that returned hostility just escalates the situation. Nowadays, I’ll ignore it unless the offending party wants to continue our contact and then they get the sharp end of my tongue; I’m fast on my feet and deadly with words, if pushed. The key is to truly be comfortable with the situation yourself. The Buddha says that we are responsible for our own happiness and our own suffering. If you want to be happy, you must do what is right for you. No one else can determine that. There will always be detractors for the things you do. I had people spit at me and call me a baby killer because I was wearing a military uniform (during a protest when I was living in Hawaii). The thing is, not everyone is always going to be happy with the choices you make but who cares? I believe that as long as you aren’t breaking the law and/or hurting yourself or others and you maintain your integrity, you’re golden. I truly live my life according to this creed and I’ve never been happier. IR dating and/or marriage is not for sissies. We talk about it here in relative anonymity and yet, the trolls come out to play. Thick skin, self-actualization about your own happiness and realization that not everyone is going to like what you do are the key to moving forward happily and without worries, IMO.

FriendsofJay

When I was in grad school dating my first and only black GF, we got stares like you wouldn’t believe. Of course this was the 70’s and things were MUCH different then. A lot of the BM on campus were dating WW and no one seemed to notice, but it was quite a different thing the other way around. At first we tried to ignore them but that didn’t work. On the occasion a BM (yes, it was usually a man) would come over and say something snide under his breath, I’d try to reason with him, but that didn’t work either. Then I tried the ultimate (kissing her on the lips right in front of them) knowing it would get a big reaction. Finally, we just ignored them completely and accepted the fact that there will always be prejudice in the world. I’ve mentioned a few incidents in the past and won’t bother to repeat them again, but it occurs to me that the lack of empathy in our so called “civilization” is as low as it can possibly get. Remember that republican debate where Wolf Blitzer said of a man who got sick but had decided not to buy health insurance, “Should we just let him die?” and the audience yelled, “Yeah, let him die.” That was a wake up call I never really expected to hear in a public forum. But that is what we’ve become. You’d think that with all the misery, financial problems, homelessness, joblessness, crime and corruption in our society that people would have a “live and let live” attitude over the silly question of the color of the person you love, but it just isn’t the way things are. Mark Twin, the great humorist, had his serious moments and wrote a book that he wanted to title, “The Damned Human Race,” but his publisher suppressed it. It was finally published posthumously.

keeks Y

where we live in Texas we get the usual stares once in a while from old white men but mainly from black men, usually its my babe who sees and not me i am too busy shopping and minding my own business that i dont even seem to notice the stare down. But one time we out for dinner at a local Tex-mex restaurant and there was this black lady that was sitting across from us with a her daughter and son. She was sitting on the left side behind me so i could see her unless i turn my head around, but the babe could see and let just every seconds both their eyes would be making four, and not just only that but she would sit their with her hands folded looking at us with disapproval. the lady and her kids and were leaving at the same and when my honey opened the door for her she didn’t wanted him to(that’s a true gentleman, poor old fart). i remember turning around and looking back at her and she gave me this cold, blank stare. My baby isn’t a coward and usually if a black man or anyone for that matter tries to have a staring competition to try to intimidate he is not afraid to stare right back. One thing i found rather ironic was there were two black families sitting across and infront of us and niether one paid any attention to us.

one incident that happened to us recently was their was this weird, old white guy who kept following the babe and i around the mall the other day when we went shopping. Every store we went we would see him randomly taking up items where he could get a good view of us. We eventually left the mall. on our way going home we started to assume if was one of those theft prevention people or it was just simply a racist white man who really wanted to see if we were really in a relationship together.

Pearl

@keeks Y wow, that man was really determined..

I would have started getting closer and closer to him in each store he followed you guys in,

“We eventually left the mall. on our way going home we started to assume if was one of those theft prevention people or it was just simply a racist white man”

What person would devote that much time to either? If it was theft prevention, a couple stores and he should have been on his way. if it was to see if you were a couple…he was a nutter and that’s good that you got away from him. LOL

melissamak007

I’m glad I read this post today. It’s always nice to relate and identify. My boyfriend and I have been dealing with looks. A Lot. I’m Black, he’s White. We live in NY. I ignore the stares and glares. They are mainly coming from Black men, and mainly directed towards him. If looks could kill we’d probably both be dead. I wonder how many of them would actually have tried to talk to me if my boyfriend wasn’t there? But while it’s annoying, it’s not getting the better of us. I hope you ladies have a great holiday season.

melissamak007

I’m glad I read this post today. It’s always nice to relate and identify. My boyfriend and I have been dealing with looks. A Lot. I’m Black, he’s White. We live in NY. I ignore the stares and glares. They are mainly coming from Black men, and mainly directed towards him. If looks could kill we’d probably both be dead. I wonder how many of them would actually have tried to talk to me if my boyfriend wasn’t there? But while it’s annoying, it’s not getting the better of us. I hope you ladies have a great holiday season.

Christelyn

Funny, all those bruthas would have not given you a second look (it’s happened to me). It’s like a spoiled child who never wants a toy until someone else wants it. @melissamak007

Brenda55

@Christelyn @melissamak007This is true. Want to be the invisible woman. Step out somewhere alone. Want everyone in your face? Show up with a white guy. All it is is they don’t want you and they don’t want you with HIM.

LadyLittlefoot

@Christelyn @melissamak007 I had a similar experience with my ex two years ago. All the black guys never give me the time of day; I was neither “black enough” or “exotic enough” (I’m mixed black and East Indian) for them. I stared seeing a white guy who expressed interest and spoke to me. When our relationship became known, lo and behold they all had something to say to my boss about me dating the white dude and if looks could kill. Funny thing is I never really noticed the looks so much but my guy did and asked me what that was about. I said they are just jealous. They didn’t have what it took to step to me and now they are mad that I am with him. SMh at them and their foolishness.

LadyLittlefoot

@Christelyn @melissamak007 I had a similar experience with my ex two years ago. All the black guys never give me the time of day; I was neither “black enough” or “exotic enough” (I’m mixed black and East Indian) for them. I stared seeing a white guy who expressed interest and spoke to me. When our relationship became known, lo and behold they all had something to say to my boss about me dating the white dude and if looks could kill. Funny thing is I never really noticed the looks so much but my guy did and asked me what that was about. I said they are just jealous. They didn’t have what it took to step to me and now they are mad that I am with him. SMh at them and their foolishness.

Tashi_21

I’ve been lurking on this website for months but i had to create in account and comment on this one. My ex boyfriend was white and everywhere we went people stared. This made me soooo uncomfortable to the point where i only wanted to hang out with him inside. i wasn’t ashamed of him but it was too uncomfortable for me and it led to us breaking up. I was so hypervigilant of people around us and he probably didn’t even notice. I’ve always had an attraction to non black guys as well as black guys and sometimes i think it would be easier to date someone in your own race so you won’t have to deal with the stares. What can i say im a sensitive girl.

Christelyn

Here’s the thing, Tashi, by letting other folks who you don’t even know, have no dependence on, or interest in, regulate your own happiness. I’m sensitive to, but I had to decide for myself that my own happiness was THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. Miserable people want to see others miserable. Remember that. @Tashi_21

ForestElfQueen

@Christelyn @Tashi_21 amen to that, c!

EarthJeff

@Christelyn @Tashi_21 You are so correct in your assertion that miserable people want to see others miserable. I have pondered that many times, and have yet to come up with an answer.

blackpanthershay

@Tashi_21 I second what Christelyn said. I am sensitive as well but people can look all day. I tell myself it’s because I am beautiful…sighs shallow me

Mocha Z

@Tashi_21 I have issues with how they perceive me. Family and close friends only had some, not much, weight. The end of that came when I realized that that was my personal problem. they held me to a standard but had no inten of reciprocating. That problem was cured! Amazing how liberating that was.

Christelyn

“The end of that came when I realized that that was my personal problem. they held me to a standard but had no inten of reciprocating.”

THAT’S IT, RIGHT THERE.

@Mocha Z@Tashi_21

Star

I simply just stare back at them, until their eyes nervously look another way.

Mocha Z

Truth? I avoided making eye contact with bm/ww couples. Bm usually did the eye dart thing. I didnt feel like being a part of their issues. I dont need the silent explanations or looks of defiance….I dont care. The bw bashing WAS what I had to let go of when it came to caring.

With bw/wm couples popping up more over the years, I felt there would be a shift for single bw AND……. there is! Yay!

I was rooting as a married woman for bw to figure it out. Fabulous options exist.

Mocha Z

The times that I did run across bw/wm couples, I treated it as normal. If eye contact was made, I smiled and said hi….thats what I always do.

I once ran across a bm/ww at the grove with their adorable red kinky curly hair baby. The whole family glowed! They had such an earthy lovliness to them. I remarked on loving her curls and hoping she always keeps them. Gave her some natural tips, products etc. when I left, they both waved, smiled and he seemed to appreciate my warmth to her and their baby. I didnt get the vibe that he was the type of bm who bashed bw to live how he wanted. If he did, that exchange may have changed that view.

Joyce345

It’s a little different in Africa. You don’t get hate but most people assume a black woman with a white man must be a prostitute/maid/nanny/cook/ etc you get the drift.

On the other hand a black man with a white woman must be her driver/gardener/ you get the drift.

Jay from Philly

Never really had a major issue. Family members are usually okay. A few may grumble but they accept it. As for out in public, over the years (with different Black women) there has been one angry glaring old Black guy, one Cro-Magnon on the subway saying “Damn…a white man and a Black woman!”, and a few hateful stares from the usual suspects. White people don’t seem to have an issue. I’m not going to say Philly is white-racism-free, but a white man with a Black woman is not seen as a threat. At the World War II Weekend (a kind of WWII themed Ren Faire) which is held out in the very Red PA Dutch country on the hottest week of the year, a gray-haired white man told my then-girlfriend she was like a cool breeze welcome in the summer heat.

ForestElfQueen

@Jay from Philly the “Damn…” comment reminds me of one I forgot about.

~ “Damn, a headwrap and a white man!” (I used to wear a lot of headwraps/faux gele and i guess this guy’s mind was kinda blown) lol!

Elaina

I remember the first time I went out with a WM earlier this year. I was hypervigilant as well, trying to see who was watching and if they made any faces. I was so extra, lol. Now, when I’m out, I don’t really pay too much attention. I still look around occasionally, but try to tell myself it’s not that big of a deal, because it’s not! No one has said anything (that I’ve heard), but I also think it has something to do with where we hang out. The places usually consist of a very mixed crowd and are more “gentrified”, so I think that may have something to do with it as well.

ForestElfQueen

@Elaina as a swirly vet (&growing up in a swirly family & social circle)..most ppl really don’t care. ….it’s just like an asinine 10%(a lot less in some chic areas) that feel compelled to stare or call out.

OTOH….there’s also a fan-nish contingent that really gush:

*over the couple… making predictions about how beeyootiful the children will be(nevermind you might be only dating

*the older people who are relieved to see you & feel you guys are like a symbol that racism has decreased..that their social work in the “60s was for something after all. haha

*also the fawners when you are married with kids. I’m fine as long as the person isn’t colorstruck/hair struck…’don’t want my children hearing that sort of foolishness.

..sometimes I’m flattered and glad, other times I feel that i’ll be truly glad when the IR color differences aren’t anything worth talking about YKWIM?…like more enlightened times that i won’t live to see in the USA. LOL!!

yah, i can’t be pleased. hahah

Jay from Philly

Chris Rock here on the disparity between interracial couples: “Black women! Black f*ckin’ women! Rosie O’Donell can go out tonight and go home with a Black man, and she don’t like men! But Black women, they’ll give it up for good looking white men. They’ll give it up for George Clooney and Brad Pitt! They’ll bend over for David Beckham! But you don’t ever see any Black women holdin’ hands with George from Seinfeld!”

ForestElfQueen

@Jay from Philly “They’ll bend over for David Beckham! ” hahaha that’s too funny, i don’t get the drool-y hype over beckham personally but that’s hilarious!

awww poor george.

Brenda55

@Jay from Philly

Well Jay let me tell ya. What used to drive us sista crazy back in the day was seeing a fine brother with the raggediest piece of no count white woman he could find then try to signify that she was better than us. We would show up at parties and clubs with our A game and he would show up with this lame behind woman on his arm and try to make us feel some kind of way.

To a woman we would say that if your going to cross the fence make it worth it and not pick up something their own people would be ashamed to be seen with. In the past crossing the color divide was a major hassle for black women.That fortunately is becoming less so. Consequently Black women do not cross the color line for trash. It has always been about quality for black women.

Jay from Philly

@Brenda55

That was the whole premise of the Ricki Lake Show–two enormous trailer park chicks named Lurleen and Wanda Mae fighting over some loser with his daughter’s barrettes in his hair, no job, seven kids representing the only time in his life he wasn’t limp from drinkin’ 40s all day, who began everything he said with “Nawmsayin?” and ended with “cuz ah gots to get mahnz”. You and me may have been watching the same episode in different parts of town me thinking “He can HAVE them.” and you thinking “They can HAVE him!”

Brenda55

@Jay from Philly@Brenda55

True that. What can I say there’s a sock for ever shoe. At least that is what my grandma used to tell me.

The trouble starts when Lurleen and Wanda Mae looks your way and you flag them then they cop a ‘tude cause you don’t want them.

Jay from Philly

@Brenda55

Or when Mr Daughter’s-Barrettes-in-his-hair thinks Brenda is supposed to get jealous because he’s getting fought over by two Kenzo girls with 4 teeth between them.

Brenda55

@Jay from Philly

My man I have been there. It was ugly. Dude had nerve to be holding a can of Colt 45 at the time. Thought the Kenzo gal was a local form of dog fighting.

Flutter

@Jay from Philly

Ergh, I remember that bit and it bothered me and I disagreed with Chris on this…. SOMEONE will go home with George from Seinfeld. Not every black woman—-or any woman PERIOD— can snag a Clooney. Everybody still needs love!

Melissa Q

@Flutter@Jay from Philly Who say’s Clooney is better. George is pretty sweet in my book. Besides George Costanza (Jason Alexander) is pretty cute too.

@Flutter@Jay from Philly I hate the idea of requirements for what is an appropriate IRR relationship for bw with non-bm. Pick who you like it don’t matter to me what someone else’s man looks like, ppl see different things in different ppl. Something some folks may not find attractive, may be hugely attractive to someone else. It’s all subjective. My hubby may not be sexy to everyone but he’s damn sexy to me and only my opinion matters. He’s an awesome person and great husband. Yes, there is someone for everyone.

eugeniamitchell

@Flutter@Jay from Philly I hate the idea of requirements for what is an appropriate IRR relationship for bw with non-bm. Pick who you like it don’t matter to me what someone else’s man looks like, ppl see different things in different ppl. Something some folks may not find attractive, may be hugely attractive to someone else. It’s all subjective. My hubby may not be sexy to everyone but he’s damn sexy to me and only my opinion matters. He’s an awesome person and great husband. Yes, there is someone for everyone.

Mocha Z

@Flutter@Jay from Philly I find this funny because I wonder why everyone assumes ALL black women with a wm will expect the Clooney types(ew) or the Brad Pitt types(um, no).

The fact is that although bm want the world to think that they are all “Denzels”(un, no again) or some swagger kings etc…..they aren’t. So if we pick a bm who isn’t tv/movie star material , what would make the wm need to be held to a higher visual standard?How many people in this world end up with the movie star husband or wife?

It goes back to the idea of IRR. It should not be from a perspective of “well if I have to date out”. Sounds the same as “I love my brothers” to precede your willingness to be in a IRR.

What I do think bw think is that she isn’t going to go find a lazy, baby daddy, sociopath wm to replace the bm she was dealing with the same kinds of thing.

As I like to say, loving me is sexy, taking care of the kids is sexy and taking care of business is sexy. Egos…not so sexy.

Jay from Philly

I was just trying to make some people laugh–God knows I don’t look George Clooney or Brad Pitt or David Beckham. That said, I do think that Black women looking to date out do set their standards higher. They want the kind of guy who the drama queens find “too nice”,

Karla

@Mocha Z Just because People mag says guys like Brad Pitt, George Clooney and Bradley Cooper are the sexiest men alive doesn’t make it so. Brad Pitt is probably a nice guy but looks? No, don’t think so. The first time I saw him was in “Thelma and Louise” and I remember thinking that he was Yucksville. My GFs love Clive Owen but I can’t get past the fact that he always looks dirty and unkempt. My idea of sexy is a bit different than pretty boy looks. Patrick Stewart? Very sexy. Alan Rickman? Hot! Stephen Lang? Aging quite well and sizzling. But that’s just me.

Mocha Z

@Jay from Philly Yes..its theinside joke and the comedic material is usually a stab at the culture in tge hot seat.I think there is some validity. We all laugh at the joke but it gets used against the women that like/love what they love. We are saddled with some peoples views of being insatiable and unrealistic in love. With that said, I do see some good looking bw/wm couples.

Mocha Z

@Karla Yup…we all see men through different lenses. Clive owen does have that look and I thought was just me. I did just watch an oldie with him and That look suited him well in that movie. King Arthur. Im not a Johnny Depp fan because of the dirty look.

ForestElfQueen

@Mocha Z@Karla what makes someone look dirty(not being snarky but curious since I had that feeling about Jeremy Irons in the film Damage?)

@ForestElfQueen I’m not really sure what it is, truthfully. The closest I can come to is that Clive Owen looks like PigPen from Charlie Brown sometimes. The dirty look is overall: unkempt hair, day-old beard growth, bloodshot eyes, rumpled clothes, dingy fingernails, flaky skin… just, ugh! It’s like he went on a bender and came to the movie set straight from the bar with a hangover. I’ve never seen Clive Owen’s teeth but based on how he looks, to me, I’m guessing they might be not so great. Now, in real life, he may not be that way but, IMO, he does not film well.

Mocha Z

@ForestElfQueen @Karla Maybe oily skin and hair…swarthy yes but not always. Maybe being unshaven. Not sure exatly what is? Clive still has hotness factor going on for me.

ForestElfQueen

@Mocha Z@Karla The only film i can think of this sec that I ‘ve seen w/o C.O. is Children of Men… i didn’t think much of it because mostly everyone was supposed to be sort of miserable and grimey. lolz

@ForestElfQueen Yes, I saw that pic at imdb; they cleaned him up. The first movie I saw him in was “The Bourne Identity”; he was one of the Treadstone guys. He looked really grimy there. I did see him in the movie, “Duplicity” and someone had cleaned him up. He actually looked good, for once. But, again, that’s just me. He just doesn’t do it for me.

Karla

@ForestElfQueen Yes, I saw that pic at imdb; they cleaned him up. The first movie I saw him in was “The Bourne Identity”; he was one of the Treadstone guys. He looked really grimy there. I did see him in the movie, “Duplicity” and someone had cleaned him up. He actually looked good, for once. But, again, that’s just me. He just doesn’t do it for me.

ForestElfQueen

@Karla I saw Bourne..hmm i don’t remember him. I’ll have to rewatch.

Jazmine

@Karla@Mocha Z

Thank you, thank you , thank you!! I get the funniest looks when I say I don’t find Brad Pitt or George Clooney to be remotely attractive. Most of the men who end up on the People’s sexiest list do NOTHING for me. And where are the Asian guys?

I would go for an Eddie Izzard (in male mode) before a Bradley Cooper. And David Beckham was cute to me until I heard him talk. I hate how Hollywood tries to sell us on who we should find attractive. For me, they swing and miss everytime. I’ll buy it when they put Won Bin, Hyun Bin, or Ewan McGregor on that cover.

And I agree with Alan Rickman. Although he played a cheating jerk, I adored him in Love Actually.

Jazmine

@Karla@Mocha Z

Thank you, thank you , thank you!! I get the funniest looks when I say I don’t find Brad Pitt or George Clooney to be remotely attractive. Most of the men who end up on the People’s sexiest list do NOTHING for me. And where are the Asian guys?

I would go for an Eddie Izzard (in male mode) before a Bradley Cooper. And David Beckham was cute to me until I heard him talk. I hate how Hollywood tries to sell us on who we should find attractive. For me, they swing and miss everytime. I’ll buy it when they put Won Bin, Hyun Bin, or Ewan McGregor on that cover.

And I agree with Alan Rickman. Although he played a cheating jerk, I adored him in Love Actually.

Mocha Z

@ForestElfQueen @Karla He was in King Arthur too as Arthur

EarthJeff

Thanks for rewinding this. Since I am a newbie, I would not have had the pleasure of reading it. Very interesting. On my very first dating experience, I held the hand of my lady as we walked across the parking lot. I got to experience my first funny look from someone. Interesting… screw them. I realize that there are many more closed-minded people in the world than those of us that get to fully enjoy all the glories of the world.

Brenda55

@EarthJeff

Thats the stuff. Just enjoy the moment with your lady.

AndreaNgatia

love this article! reminds me of when i went out with my guy friend who happens to be gay and Filipino and all we did was hold hands cause thats just how we are and boy did i get stares i was wow! and it was mostly from bm it made me giggle that it would bother somebody that much….but i just usually ignore the stares 🙂

Chocomusings

I sadly let the stares get to me during my first IR. I let him go b/c I couldn’t handle it, but I am definitely going to continue dating IR.

Brenda55

@Chocomusings

Care to share a little more about your situation? You are in a great place to help you navigate this stuff. We here have walked the walk.

Chocomusings

@Brenda55 I’m from Canada, so I haven’t had the same things happen that I am reading here which makes me annoyed at the move I made lol. We just got a lot of looks. Not mean or dirty looks, just curious looks and double takes. I am much too shy and private for the extra attention though.

Brenda55

@Chocomusings

That is understandable. When you choose to date outside the mainstream people are going to look. That cannot be helped. People always look at what they feel is unusual. Some have the temperament to roll with it and some don’t. Some develop that ability over time. No problem. I am glad that your experience did not turn you off entirely to keeping your options open.

EarthJeff

@Brenda55@Chocomusings “Some have the temperament to roll with it and some don’t. Some develop that ability over time.” So do you think that IRR couples that are able to deal with it…. that shared experience makes them stronger as a couple? Kind of “if it is us against the world, then screw the world… we do us for us”? I do find interesting that the divorce rates are significant among the different combinations. Why is a really good question…

Sophia

It sounds egotistical, and I would never say this aloud, but I usually tend to think that people who stare at me and my date must think either we’re super hot, or how lucky my date is to get me. I know, I know, so vain of me, eh?. It helps that I live in Canada and rarely get negative stares. Even in the US, I rarely had negative looks. Or perhaps I did and I just misinterpreted them to my benefit.

eugeniamitchell

I can’t say where we live, we get many stares or if we do maybe I don’t notice. I’m pretty oblivious to the world but really most ppl here are not shocked to see IR. I’ve had bm say stuff but in all the 20 plus yrs I’ve been dating IR here there have only been 2 or 3 that said something and I just smarted them back. Once had a white guy say something but he was tossed from that bar so fast by the bartender it made his head swim to cheers of the bar crowd. When I go to other spots, I just don’t care anymore. I’m enjoying time with the person I love my attention is on him but usually we have no issues.

ForestElfQueen

@eugeniamitchell “Once had a white guy say something but he was tossed from that bar so fast by the bartender it made his head swim to cheers of the bar crowd.”

One thing I’ve noted in my time together with my husband, is that all stares aren’t negative. We live in the South, and sometimes I’ll catch an older white person staring at us. More times than not, those stares are usually followed with positive comments like, “You have a beautiful family. Your children are beautiful.” Some even indicate they have grandchildren who are bi-racial.

So, I don’t assume all stares are negative. Plus, I get stares even when I’m not with my husband for various reasons LOL! And some people are lacking in manners. They don’t understand that its rude to stare without speaking to someone (poor home training, I guess!). Years back, a friend offered this bit of advice to me, “only take things personally from people that are personal to you”. So the reactions by random strangers on the street don’t bother me.

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