For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the U.S. to individuals and families with income below a certain level. The following quotations are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for support of receiving payments.- I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.- I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?- Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy.- I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why?- I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.- This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it.- Please find for if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows.- I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.- In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.- I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see.- My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.- Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.- You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference?- I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.- I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.- In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

petunia

1st Nov 2015, 12:49pm

It might seem funny to some but I can believe every word of it as I watch American TV and judge shows they may have to pay for their medical but their are thousands on welfare and never pay a penny back some of the stories they come up with would make your hair curl, most of them don't even believe what they are saying, I know of people with thousand of dollars owing in medical who get welfare and can go on vacations every year which I can't afford to do but then they live in the "The Home of the Brave and the Land of the Free" think I'll stay where I am.

Heather

1st Nov 2015, 05:03pm

Carmella, those letter's are really funny.

We got some funny letter's and replies to question's when I worked in the Social, but nothing to beat those letter's.

carmella

1st Nov 2015, 08:39pm

I saw something similar a few years ago, but it was what people put down on real forms when applying for real jobs - too funny.

angel

2nd Nov 2015, 07:40pm

I personally do not think that someone who is illiterate is a person to be scorned or ridiculed , I believe it to be a terribly sad condition for those unfortunates who find themselves in this situation . I have read that many of them adjust to hiding their illiteracy as they go through life and some of them manage to hold jobs " pretty smart I would say " if being illiterate means one is not pulling a full train .

I have also read that one in seven ," maybe it's five " in the UK are considered illiterate , also one in 14 in the USA , BUT , FOR WHAT IT IS WORTH , JUST MAYBE THE POPULATION IN THE US. SHOULD BE COMPARED WITH THE POPULATION IN SCOTLAND .

Poverty begets illiteracy and vice versa , Illiteracy begets poverty

I have also read that , In the U.K including Scotland , illiteracy is in fact, caused by class distinction and probably racial but in the USA , it is definitely racial , and to my mind each in truly bigotry .

Zascot , the above link might help although there are more links regarding Canadian literacy on the internet should you be interested .

I guess in order to keep one's literacy up to today's standards , you must continue with more education .

If you don't use it you lose it .

Betsy2009

3rd Nov 2015, 06:26pm

I'm not sure it is poverty that causes illiteracy. All children go to school so they have the chance to at least learn to read and write - provided they have the support of the parents.Thank goodness for Harry Potter! At least it got some kids reading who otherwise wouldn't pick up a book.Too many soundbites caused by computers and texts, Twitter and suchlike seems to have frightened young people away from reading a whole book, never mind a whole paragraph.

Rab

13th Nov 2015, 07:24pm

Hi Carmella! Your post is similar in humour to this one I posted here years ago but always makes me laugh

Notes that were found in milk bottles.

“Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.”

“Please don’t leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.”

“Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.”

“Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.”

“Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.”

“Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I’ve been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.”

“Sorry about yesterday’s note. I didn’t mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.”

“When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.”

“Please knock. My TV’s broken down and I missed last night’s Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea.”

“My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?”

“Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.”

“From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don’t want any milk.”

“Cancel one pint after the day after today.”

“My back door is open. Please put milk in ‘fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.”

“Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.”

“When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don’t leave any milk.”

“No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.”.................................................................................................................

' I read that milk is very good for my skin so leave 100 bottles of milk'

Phil, the milkman, saw the note, and thought there must be an error in the number of zeros. Therefore he knocked on the door and asked the lady to clarify the order. She confirmed that she wanted 100 bottles to fill her bath. The milkman then asked, ‘Do you want it pasteurised’ and the woman replied ‘No, just up to my neck’.

carmella

13th Nov 2015, 10:34pm

Oh that's terrific Rab, great all of them.

DannyH

13th Nov 2015, 11:45pm

Hello carmella

Thanks once again for trying to inject some humour into the GG Boards. There are some other posters like you who just want to brighten up the day for others.

However, I see our 'old friend' Angel has once again twisted things. There is no need for me to expand on what I mean by that comment.

Posts like yours and the Milkman Stories are what we need, what with what is going on in the worldand the horrible weather.

With that in mind I am going to follow this post, with a long winded, but humorous letter written by an 86 years old lady to her banker in the USA.

Regards

Danny

DannyH

14th Nov 2015, 12:38am

This is a copy of a letter an 86 years old American lady sent to her banker. The banker thought it was so amusing he sent it to a newspaper.

The original letter is quite long, so I have edited out some bits. By the way, the spelling is American English!

QUOTE

Dear Sir

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endevoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, less than three seconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an OFFENCE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contract which I require your chosen emloyee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be signed by a Notary Public, and the manditory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required for me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH.#1 to make an appointment to see me.#2 to query a missing pament.#3 to transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.#4 to transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.#5 to transfer the call in case I am attending to nature.#6 to transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.#7 to leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorised Contact mentioned earlier.#8 to return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 to 7.#9 To make a general complaint or enquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending attention of my automated answering service.#10 This is a second reminder to press * for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the durationof the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

P.S. Remember, don't make old people mad. We don't like it.

Hope you all get a laugh.

Danny

Betsy2009

14th Nov 2015, 08:00am

Love it, Danny. Well done that lady. I wonder if she got a reply.

DannyH

14th Nov 2015, 12:40pm

Hello Betsy

Thank you for your response to my post.

I received a copy of the letter from a Glasgow couple who have lived for many years in the USA. I first made contact with them through the Glasgow Guide website. Then I met them when they visited Glasgow last year. I will ask them if they know what the response from the bank was.

Regards

Danny

carmella

15th Nov 2015, 09:30am

Oh my goodness Danny, this letter is actually real, I've heard about it, and we need more wee ladies like this one - well done her.

Hope she got a reply, we shall await!

bilbo.s

15th Nov 2015, 10:31am

Really, Carmella? You heard about it, ergo it is real! Here is the true story:-

Yes, I heard about it an awful long time ago, but since you're interested in Snopes (I am not), their site is full of so-called 'urban legends' each to their own - there's nothing wrong with a bit of fun.

Maybe you had to come in here because I've ignored you for too long Bilbo. I don't know, and I don't care, but would love to cheer you up and make your day, so at least I achieved something.

bilbo.s

15th Nov 2015, 01:44pm

QUOTE (carmella @ 15th Nov 2015, 01:32pm)

Yes, I heard about it an awful long time ago, but since you're interested in Snopes (I am not), their site is full of so-called 'urban legends' each to their own - there's nothing wrong with a bit of fun.

Maybe you had to come in here because I've ignored you for too long Bilbo. I don't know, and I don't care, but would love to cheer you up and make your day, so at least I achieved something.

Oooooooooo, missus! I didn't really expect you to admit you were wrong. Thanks for not disappointing me.

carmella

15th Nov 2015, 07:17pm

QUOTE (bilbo.s @ 15th Nov 2015, 01:52pm)

Oooooooooo, missus! I didn't really expect you to admit you were wrong. Thanks for not disappointing me.

Did I say I was wrong?

I realize now why you and Angel don't get along, you are too similar in your perceptions of people.

You joined others earlier this year when slating me, because I expressed opinions that they didn't agree with, but you should look to your own door, it is in the not too distant past that I recall you bringing a poster to task for putting commas in the wrong place. I don't recall which poster it was, otherwise I would look it up and post it.

Enough of this churlish behaviour, and if you reply to this, then it will not be answered.

Lighten up a wee bit, living in Spain you are supposed to be happy.

bilbo.s

15th Nov 2015, 07:42pm

No, you cannot have the last word!

wombat

15th Nov 2015, 08:04pm

DannyH

16th Nov 2015, 01:14am

Hello Carmella

I owe you a big apology. You posted a humorous post regarding welfare applications, and now with me posting another story, completely unrelated to your post, under the same topic title, you are being harrassed by Bilbo. I am disappointed in him. His remarks are completely unnecessary, and I see Wombat has done his usual. We always get wee pictures, but never an opinion from him.

So if I had put my post under a different title from yours, all this nonsense wouldn't have occurred.However, in my defence, I thought, "This forum is about jokes and stories that will give people a laugh" How wrong I was. Sorry Carmella for getting you involved in something that had nothing to do with you.

I don't know what impression this will give to anybody that has just tried the GG website for the first time.

Regards

Danny

bilbo.s

16th Nov 2015, 08:13am

Danny, You posted a humorous piece, which is always amusing, no matter how often heard. Carmella sought to give the apocryphal tale credence, on the flimsy evidence that she had heard it years ago.

I published documental rebuttal of the story, as it is an urban legend, and giving details of its origins. How this amounts in your eyes to harassment, I do not know. Rather than admitting that she was wrong, Carmella chose to attack me with irrelevances. I am disappointed to find your following her example.

angel

16th Nov 2015, 08:59am

Posts #22 and 25 , not one of them is worth a comment .

DannyH

16th Nov 2015, 11:41pm

QUOTE (bilbo.s @ 16th Nov 2015, 08:21am)

Danny, You posted a humorous piece, which is always amusing, no matter how often heard. Carmella sought to give the apocryphal tale credence, on the flimsy evidence that she had heard it years ago.

I published documental rebuttal of the story, as it is an urban legend, and giving details of its origins. How this amounts in your eyes to harassment, I do not know. Rather than admitting that she was wrong, Carmella chose to attack me with irrelevances. I am disappointed to find your following her example.

Hello Bilbo

I have read some of your responses on other posts, and the one thing I have genuinely admired is that in many of them, you can say in one line, something that would take others, including myself, much longer to say.

With that in mind, I was disappointed that you felt the necessity to put Carmella 'right' regarding the authenticity of the letter I posted. I think you could have let that go without comment. This topic is JOKES. It is supposed to be about brightening us up.

Regards

Danny

john.mcn

17th Nov 2015, 12:26am

QUOTE (angel @ 16th Nov 2015, 09:07am)

Posts #22 and 25 , not one of them is worth a comment .

yet you just did

angel

17th Nov 2015, 04:41am

QUOTE (john.mcn @ 16th Nov 2015, 11:34pm)

yet you just did

But not on the content !

john.mcn

17th Nov 2015, 08:19am

Commenting to say you aren't commenting... just as well this is the joke section

angel

18th Nov 2015, 03:27am

QUOTE (john.mcn @ 17th Nov 2015, 07:27am)

Commenting to say you aren't commenting... just as well this is the joke section

It seems to me that you and Carmella are so wrapped up in your own self importance , that it must be extremely painful for both of you to deal with, so take a couple of asprins and shut up , who knows , that might help your condition .

john.mcn

18th Nov 2015, 08:18am

Tut tut, the point of discussion forums is to 'talk', if everyone not on your level was to shut up it would leave only your righteous self, but i suppose the silver lining in that is you could buy that history book and have peace and quiet to read it

Betsy2009

18th Nov 2015, 09:52am

Oh enough now, come on!

Billy Boil

18th Nov 2015, 10:15am

QUOTE (angel @ 2nd Nov 2015, 07:48pm)

I personally do not think that someone who is illiterate is a person to be scorned or ridiculed , I believe it to be a terribly sad condition for those unfortunates who find themselves in this situation . I have read that many of them adjust to hiding their illiteracy as they go through life and some of them manage to hold jobs " pretty smart I would say " if being illiterate means one is not pulling a full train .

I have also read that one in seven ," maybe it's five " in the UK are considered illiterate , also one in 14 in the USA , BUT , FOR WHAT IT IS WORTH , JUST MAYBE THE POPULATION IN THE US. SHOULD BE COMPARED WITH THE POPULATION IN SCOTLAND .

Poverty begets illiteracy and vice versa , Illiteracy begets poverty

I have also read that , In the U.K including Scotland , illiteracy is in fact, caused by class distinction and probably racial but in the USA , it is definitely racial , and to my mind each in truly bigotry .

Poverty in no way begets illiteracy. I was brought up in the surroundings of extreme poverty after the war. I know of no child who left my primary school in Govan, with the exception of those removed to attend "special school", who could not read, write and count to a standard one would not call in any way shape or form illiterate. Illiteracy comes from non engagement, disruptive behaviour and an willingness to co-operate with the "imposition of education" upon an unwilling and hostile student body that will not accept even a modicum of discipline. You can cry POOR all you wish but when you are confronted by those of us in Scotland, Canada, Australia, New Zealand and any other 1st. world country you care to name, who rose up from extreme poverty to make our way in the world of success. Nor does illiteracy beget poverty.

DannyH

18th Nov 2015, 10:43am

Sorry folks, I have made a mistake. I have come to the wrong Topic. I was going to post a JOKE.

I see Carmella and Rab made the same mistake. Silly people!

Danny

Heather

18th Nov 2015, 12:52pm

Oh dear, this carry on is similar to a stairheid barney.

Well I enjoyed all the funny stories whether they were true or false. We all need a good laugh now and again.

angel

18th Nov 2015, 12:58pm

QUOTE (Billy Boil @ 18th Nov 2015, 10:23am)

Poverty in no way begets illiteracy. I was brought up in the surroundings of extreme poverty after the war. I know of no child who left my primary school in Govan, with the exception of those removed to attend "special school", who could not read, write and count to a standard one would not call in any way shape or form illiterate. Illiteracy comes from non engagement, disruptive behaviour and an willingness to co-operate with the "imposition of education" upon an unwilling and hostile student body that will not accept even a modicum of discipline. You can cry POOR all you wish but when you are confronted by those of us in Scotland, Canada, Australia, New Zealand and any other 1st. world country you care to name, who rose up from extreme poverty to make our way in the world of success. Nor does illiteracy beget poverty.

Poverty begets illiteracy no matter the country , or whether it be Govan or Partick

At the risk of upsetting you both, was it this extract from Carmella's original post that has driven you both to defend the ILLITERATE?. If so, you have left many of us bemused by your continuous reference to illiteracy.

Here is what was listed in Carmella's humorous post.

"I am very annoyed with that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born"

So my interpretation of that reply is that either she has misread the official reply which I suspect had registered her son as being ILLEGITIMATE, or the official reply was a typing error.

Now before you embark on a tirade about illegitimate children being ostracized, you should be aware that we now have thousands of children born in the UK who by definition, in the dictionary, are illigitimate because they are born out of wedlock. Nobody bothers about that dictionary definition. The children born under those circumstances are accepted into modern UK society at large without any stigma.

Now if you are referring to another part of Carmella's post, please accept my apology. If however, I have guessed correctly, then at the risk of upsetting you, all I can say is, "Lighten up, and let the rest of us enjoy a good laugh. I don't know how many times you have to be reminded, this Topic is JOKES. We come to this topic to enjoy ourselves. Not to be given lectures. Gives us all a break!

Regards

Danny

Rab

30th Nov 2015, 09:51pm

The above letter from the lady to her bank reminds me of a wee true story involving a friend of mine. I hope I have most of the facts correct from memory but the final paragraph is absolutely correct.He had been with his bank for his entire working llfe and one day he receive a very curt letter from his bank informing him that his account had gone overdrawn in the sum of £10.00.Whilst this was true, it was an involuntary error caused by a large amount being withdrawn in respect of a deposit on his new home and was remedied the following day by a huge deposit from the sale of his old home, therefore his first ever overdraft had lasted less than 24 hours.He told me that after receiving the bank letter and calming down, he contacted his bank and, eventually, spoke to the manager.After explaining the reason for his call, he calmly said, 'Mr XXXXX, over the past forty odd years, on the first day of every month, my salary of some hundreds o f pounds has been deposited in your banks coffers, have I ever once written to you informing you of this?.'

Rab

30th Nov 2015, 10:22pm

PS. I wrote the above without reading the foregoing arguments - which I now have. Readers of this forum over the past 14 years will know that I have been a very regular contributor over these years. Until fairly recently when I had decided that such sour coments and bad manners had increased to an annoying degree and I had had enough and curtailed my postings drastically. I know for sure that I am not alone in my thoughts on this matter. Whilst on the 'sidelines' I sighed at the state of affairs which had reduced a great forum to such a state where even a very funny joke had to be analysed and pilloried. The Glasgow Guide has always had the Private Message system where members could agree or disagree in private without airing their personal gripes in public without upsetting the flow of threads. Could we just think about this in future? Lets just be nice to each other!Rab.

DannyH

30th Nov 2015, 11:40pm

Rab

Just what this story needed. Somebody who just wants to enjoy making other people laugh, and in return wants the same type of contribution from other contributors.

Well said Sir!

Regards

Danny

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