‘Game Of Thrones’ Recap: Tyrion’s Wedding Ends In Death Threats

Plus, Daenerys makes a sexy new ally — and, oh my God, leeches!

I can’t imagine anything more awkward than Joffrey (Jack Gleeson) giving Sansa (Sophie Turner) away at her wedding to Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) — who’s now better known as “the god of t**s and wine” — and yet that’s exactly what happened on the May 19 episode of Game Of Thrones, which also saw the series’ most intense White Walker encounter yet!

Anyway, Tyrion and Sansa’s super-uncomfortable union had all the requirements for a classic Westeros wedding, complete with rape threats and a war of words between Cersei (Lena Headey) and Margaery (Natalie Dormer). Perhaps I could best sum up their interaction with Cersei’s final threat: “If you ever call me sister again, I’ll have you strangled in your sleep.” What. A. Bitch.

Come sex time, Tyrion was so drunk that he could barely stand — classic T! — but not so drunk that he couldn’t recognize an awkward situation when he saw one. Given that Sansa is only 14, and clearly doesn’t want to have weird imp sex with him, Tyrion told her he’d wait until she wants to have sex… even if she never wants to. (Good news for Shae!)

Daenerys’ New ‘Friend’

Daenerys’ (Emilia Clarke) road to world domination took her to the city of Meereen, where she met the leaders of the Second Sons, including a delightful chap who goes by the name of “Titan’s Bastard.” Actually, he went by that name before he was killed by one of his own men, Daario Naharis (Ed Skrein).

Daario was ordered to kill Daenerys, but ended up swearing his allegiance to her instead. Without even reading the books, I knew Daario was going to join Daenerys, because he was way better-looking than his fellow Sons — a fact that has not gone unnoticed by the Mother of Dragons.

(It’s been a long, lonely road for Big D, and methinks the girl’s ready to get back in the saddle. I approve!)

Then Came The Leech Orgy

Speaking of people who love being naked, Melisandre (Carice van Houten) returned to Dragonstone with Gendry (Joe Dempsie) in tow. Though she apparently still plans to slaughter him, she first treated him to a night of sex — and leeches. Did I forget to mention the leeches? My bad.

After Melly had three little leeches suck up some of Gendry’s royal blood — it may have been the first televised leech orgy, if that’s even a thing — Stannis (Stephen Dillane) threw them into a fire and cursed his greatest enemies.

(I’m no sexpert, but do most hot encounters end in leeches and chanting?)

Who’s Afraid Of The Big, Bad White Walkers?

Read this next part carefully, because I’ll probably never say it again: Sam (John Bradley-West) had the craziest scene of the night, hands down. While protecting Craster’s little lady and her son, Sam came face-to-face with a dreaded White Walker — you know, those creatures that ended the epic season two finale, yet have barely been seen since.

But did he cry? Run away? Close his eyes and imagine he was at McDonald’s? No, Sam surprised everyone by running at the terrifying creature and slashing it straight down its back — and it worked! The freak of nature shattered into a million pieces, which flew off into the night.

HollywoodLifers, what’s your take on this week’s Game of Thrones? Will Sir Davos save Gendry from Melisandre? Will Tyrion and Sansa ever do the deed? And what’s really going on with Daario? Drop a comment with your thoughts and theories!