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Friday, 5 December 2014

England DNA found to have faulty gene

The recently discovered England DNA has been found to have an enormous flaw in it, scientists at St George's Park revealed today.

The news comes 24 hours after the document outlining what the sequence of proteins signifies was published. That document explained in terms recognisable to anyone who has sat through a press conference with England cricket coach Peter Moores that a programme of cross-breeding and careful husbandry will enhance the characteristics that have seen England reach the position they have in the game, but also magically make them play like the Germans and Spaniards.

But the research has been undermined by a flaw uncovered by independent analysts. On close examination of the X-ray crystallography, a rogue gene in the sequence appears to have been spotted. This gene, the so-called 4-4-fucking-2 gene, is a mutation that causes uncontrollable launching of it to a big man up top and utter failure to perform in major tournaments. Despite attempts with head researchers from Scandinavia and Italy to eradicate this from future generations, it remains stubbornly present.

"It's very unusual", a spokesman told us, "in that it appears not just to persist in future generations, but also crosses over to other individuals exposed to carriers of the gene. As soon as a young player comes into the England set-up, despite showing no sign of lumping it and failing to perform in major tournaments at club level, they seem to be similarly afflicted and analysis of their DNA shows the mutated effect".

The research continues.

In other news, one of the men credited with the discovery of the structure of DNA has sold his Nobel medal at auction, apparently in protest at such a fundamental building block of life having it's name taken to mean any fucking thing anyone wants, regardless of how appropriate.