OMGIFINALLYFINISHEDIT. Thanks for submitting approx. beyond-too-many-for-me-to-ever-fully-review-and-still-take-care-of-my-dog yesterday. I can’t even believe I got this post done. What is it, like 3pm NY time? omg it IS 3pm NY time.

In other news: at this point, if I were Kate Middleton, I’d probably be starting to get a little upset. It seems that being royalty begets you many riches but subtracts equal amounts in the way of respect. Because people are currently toasting to her wedding to Prince William with tea bags depicting her swimming in money, eating scones off of her face, ashing out their cigs on her embedded body, and just generally handling the gamut of kitschy souvenirs boasting her and her sweet, sweet baby’s likeness.

So, on that note, I flippantly asked you guys to help me with a *stupidest Royal Wedding things being sold* compilation, and you have BROUGHTENATED IT. It was hard to pare down the list, but here they are… the *best* of the best. (Contributors are totes credited at end of this post, ’cause thas how we do up in here, yaheard.)

By the way, if you like most or all of the commemorative thingies included in this list, please do let me know, would you? It’s a really effective way to figure out that we have nothing in common and probably shouldn’t ever become friends.

Wheeee! Ok, let’s start with the above…

Yup, Graham & Brown made some wallpaper for the occasion. So if you like crowns and coronets on your walls to remind you of how small you are in comparison, this is for you.

AAAAAHHHH ↴

You can get those on Amazon, if you’re totally weird or really cool on a level I will never achieve and hope not to, that is.

Condiddlyondoms. Obvs. I think that’s what you get when your name’s Prince Willy.

I hear these condoms don’t actually prevent insemination. Wow, what a great idea!

Wait, there’s more:

I’ve never seen anything more formally stated.

As a side note, I’d just like to note here that I really love that America isn’t the source of all of this. Ok, onwards…

Premier Inn Bed Sheets.

Apparently, upon request, the Premier Inn will provide these things to couples staying at the inn on April 28th. You should totally do this.

Hey, you’re already eating and drinking uncomfortably close to their faces; why not ash on them to boot?

Ah yes, it’s all about homage and respect when it comes to THIS wedding.

PEZ dispensers, y’all.

She looks a bit more like Monica Lewinsky than Kate Middleton but good effort. Good effort!

This is the scariest thing with faces I’ve ever seen in my entire life.

If my fiance looked at me with a thousand yard stare similar to the one Willy’s rocking, I’d look into not only our relationship, but possible brain damage.

Please note, that crap coinage was expertly designed by some expert in designing coinage. SUCKSOLA!

Of course, the fridge. Like 70,000 of you mentioned this one, so I’m including it. If you’re the type of personal who actually wants to buy this thing – and NOT for the purposes of hilarity – you are useless and eating/drinking up all of my natural resources. Please stop. Please.

iPhone skins, obvs. Don’t buy these either, thanks.

This:

It’s a “cruet set,” but I read it as “cruel set” at first – tell me that isn’t a more accurate description.

You guys, she looks higher than the plane upon which this postcard will be carried for its delivery.

This next one really weirds me out…

Yes, that’s a Royal Wedding c*** ring. I refuse to elaborate. It’s too naughty, even for me.

By the way, that’s a vow sheet. And it… ehhem… comes with your c*** ring. ← I don’t know how else I could have written that. I just kept coming back to “comes with your c*** ring.” Really, the pun forced itself down my throat. ← That one was all me.

Oh by the way, it’s not edible. Which keeps us seated safely upon the nonsense train, as we continue…

As dolls go, this I guess is a pretty neat-looking Kate Middleton doll:

THIS ONE ISN’T:

This one sucks.

I mean, really? Kate’s going to wear a ginormous paisley-esque fuchsia thingamajig on her side head? I think not.

If you’re looking to really make the boys scream, how ’bout this Royal Wedding London England Classic Thong? I guarantee, the boys will *scream* when you undress. They’ll scream all the way home, after not sexing you, because that thong is the Trashie McTrashers equivalent of a massive lower back tattoo that reads “open for business” and I-

oh DAMNIT. It’s made in the USA. Well there was bound to be one.

Or two… Prince William and Kate Middleton pizza, created by Papa John’s:

That’s pretty well done. RIDICULOUS, but pretty well done.

Hey look – BrewDog created a beer expressly for consummation, not commemoration, or at least that’s what they said.

Way to be antiestablishment-but-not-really, BrewDog! You totally mocked-but-not-really those other people making commemorative stuff. So edgy-but-not.

And finally, if you get too drunk playing drink-when-the-newspeople-draw-parallels-to-Princess-Di’s-wedding, here’s a barf bag.

Also perfect for throwing up after reading this post. Better than throwing up a little in your mouth!

And now it’s time for a big hug’n'kiss to the following contributors who submitted this terrible fabulousness:

Kristen – the c ring with the vow sheet is becoming my front horse. I just want one couple – just one couple – to buy it and read the vows to one another as they place it on. That would make my life, laughing-wise.

Some of these items have the WORST photoshop jobs I’ve ever seen. Like did someone get paid to do that postcard? ‘Cause I can do a way better job than that. Like these people are royalty and getting married, give them a break and at least Photoshop a nice clean line around their heads…I think that’s the least they deserve.
Funniest shit ever though! Alison, you really are the best.

okay…so the ring pop is actually kind of cool…ha. i don’t give a sh*t about the royal wedding…i definitely don’t want to ash on their faces though or snuggle in sheets that make me “look” like them? c’mon america! get it together!

what’s really pathetic is that you KNOW there is a really weird person out in this world (probably more than one actually)buying every single will and kate item they can find and they will show up on the next season of Hoarders Buried Alive. That would be the best episode EVER. They would have that will and kate frig rotted out with 100 will and kate papa johns pizzas.

The c*** ring with the vows is so freaking weird. I wanna see the man that came up with this idea, you KNOW it was a man.

Haha! I totally agree that a lot of this is ridiculous, but part if it has to considered in context…I grew up in London and the majority of my family still live there. The British people go TOTALLY BONKERS over celebrities and fads. The marketing and media there have always been hopelessly cheesy. Their staple reads on the train to work everyday are FREE “newspapers” that run headlines and David beckham and Lady Gaga. Seriously, everyone reads these trash – I love it!! – and British people love their marketing and gossip far more than Americans. So the stuff being sold isn’t truly that much more outrageous than sheets advertising Wayne Rooney during the world cup. But still weird and intriguing to Americans all the same :) i wrote a blog entry on this awhile back. Honestly tho, i think you’d get a laugh out of the madness over there… To a point ;)

Haha the masks are scaring me! Isn’t it amazing how scary people look without eyeballs! Hmm and i think i would not like my wedding to be compared to intercourse and don’t even get me started on the ‘ahem’ ring. I LOVED PEZ, nostalgic memories flooding back! They don’t look nothing like them though, neither does the coin. A FRIDGE! A FRIDGE!! WHAT THE HELL!! How insane a person buys that! Ah well thanks for the laughs this article brought me!