Foundational excusifying

The state road race championship is on Sunday, so now’s the time to begin properly building your foundation for excuses as to why you got dropped and quit. Don’t wait ’til race day to trot out your lame reason for imploding before the race got hard. Begin today with a series of well-placed and well-timed comments to let everyone know that except for * and *, or * and *, you would be standing on the top step.

1. Illness. “I’ve had something in my chest the last couple of weeks that I can’t shake. Gonna give it my best shot, but my power’s down 30-40w. That’s the margin of victory.”

2. Weather. “Fuckin’ Bakersfield. It’s too hot there to race. We prepare the whole year in reasonable temperatures, and then they do the biggest race of the year in a fuckin’ sauna. That’s bullshit. I’m just not good in the heat.” [Be ready to steer quickly away from questions about why you didn’t do the states race in NorCal.]

3. Gear. “I’m just not adapted to this new Specialized Wankster. The seat tube angle is a little off, fucks up my body geometry when I climb.” [Don’t mention that you still have your old frame which was such a “perfect” fit that you got dropped on lap one of Punchbowl, etc.]

4. Nutrition. “I ran out of the Uber-Goo Triple Espresso with Spirochetes. They’re on back order. There’s no way I can do well in a hot race without that stuff. The spirochetes are the bomb.”

5. Hydration. “I can’t get anyone to give me hand-ups. The deck’s stacked against you in that race without hand-ups.”

§ 29 Responses to Foundational excusifying

Hmmm…you’re holding back. Sample a little bit from the entire menu. Use different items with different people. Create a general expectation that it would be impossible for you not to have a bad day. This really works.

Don’t forget: The 1st or 2nd worst air in the Nation(Can’t remember if Redlands took us this year?)
Or “F” that! I don’t wanna get Valley Fever!
Or That “F” 360 degree Bako Blast Furnace just sucked the life out of my legs!
Or How the hell did that old hairy leg dude on that steal Pinarrello beat me again?

1. Ambient air pollution. “Fuckin’ Bako was worst in that nation this year. Four dudes died from lung cancer during the race.”
2. Disease. “Valley Fever is going around bad these days. My doc said I was really susceptible.”
3. Heat. [Already covered]
4. Cheating. “Dude on a steel Pinarello was sucking my wheel the whole friggin’ race. Then sprunted around me at the end for 89th.”

You’ve been riding (and making excuses) far too long..you’ve forgotten the holy grail of excusing..which is..take no ownership of the failure. To any degree. Reviewing the list above, each one (save #8, and even that includes some degree of personsl cock up) includes a personal pronoun. Idiot.

How does it make any sense to disavow personal failure by taking personal responsibilty..when you can simply blame the bike which, as a bonus, can’t defend itself or otherwise expose you?

It appears that you need to make excuses for your lack of ability for making excuses….. but don’t try; that circuitous exercise would make your head explode. Instead, I suggest you improve your skills by doing more riding with the Long Beach Freddies..then you’ll really learn the art of excuse making.

I was gonna say, “My snake stomping boots are broken,” but then I remembered Fred Hunter’s admonition never to take responsibility, and the use of a possessive pronoun pretty much ties me to the failure. So I’m going with “Snake stomping boots were defectively manufactured.”

The word “Bakersfield” strikes fear and terror into the hearts of all who gaze longingly at their shaven legs in the mirror, dreaming of a scrawny-legged victory atop ol’ Mt. Snakebit. Unlike Punchbowl, Bakersfield offers a lure to all-rounders rather than just the climbers, which means that you can dream of glory even if you’re a wanker, but in the end all you’ll get is an all-round beatdown from the viciousness of the course, the sun, the snakes, the stinging flies, the swarms of bees, and relentlessness of the terrain. All Hail Bakersfield!!

Don’t forget the newly popular… ” I was up late writing on my excuse blog…” excuse.
Come dare to ride amongnst the legends of the road at the Home of Bike Race Madness, BAKERSFIELD. True cyclists do not make excuses, they make and inflict pain. Come cover the roads in glory, or die trying. Each race has only one winner, but can have many successes. See you there. El Rosito

I will be there! However, as a truly fake cyclist, I manufacture excuses hourly. Your new offering will be utilized…the “Dropped by My Blog” excuse. The legends of the road, unfortunately, will be the ones inflicting the pain and covering themselves in glory. We twigmen of the road will be inflicting our spouses with excuses, cowering under the AC, and suffering the pain of a merciless beatdown. Ah, Bakersfield! Ah, humanity!

I was up the night before reading this blog and literally laughing my fucking ass off, when suddenly I fell off my stool and bruised my massive left calf. No fucking way I’m a gonna grind up that climb with a bruised calf. Thanks a lot, fuckers!

Dude, you just won the Oakley lame-ass excuse contest for race quitters–and it was a stacked field! The “Fell off a stool reading a funny blog” excuse is beyond awesome, because you don’t even have to show up to the fucking race for it to work, waste beer money on the entry fee, or use your co-pay to cover the ER visit for heat stroke. Crap. I was sure I was gonna get that new pair of those Oakley SagSiders.

PS: People who use profanity in the comments section get extra props. Raises my “inappropriate content” rating…so…extra props.

Man, you guys have no idea..Last week while racing in the Killington, VT Stage race where I was preparing for your state championships, I was away solo in the road race, at least 10 min. on the field, when the lead car made a wrong turn and sent me off course!..Fuck, I was gonna win I think..I finished last as I just sat on and focused on balancing out my spin..The bad news is that a fucking deer tick crawled up my ass crack at my flea trap motel and left me with some Lyme disease..I now have no energy, no morning hard-on, and my right elbow itches..I can’t make it to your race… unless you don’t mind me sitting on and telling the riff-raff on the back what to do..Please guys, don’t forget the tick spray!