Hello. I joined yesterday, and this is my first posting. I feel less alone reading these. Much of what is described is very familiar to me; it is both painful and healing.

I was sexually abused for two years by a teacher. I remember only fragments of what happened. I'm twenty five now. For ten to twelve years, my life was hell. I was practically mute, I had nightmares every night, I despised my appearance, and had withdrawn into a fantasy world.

I feel grateful everyday that I escaped that. But now I'm left with an unsettling confusion. I was born gay, but I am repulsed by sex. For a few years now, I have deflected any advances from men. It's not entirely conscious, more an instinct of self-protection. As a child, I covered my eyes when I saw sex on TV, and covered my ears when someone talked about it. It's the same impulse.

At a gay bar, a bisexual woman hit on me. She was a little crazy to have done it, but, being fairly crazy myself, I liked it. I've seen her a few times afterwards. I find that I am daydreaming about her, and writing about her. I wonder if I am lying to myself, or if I shouldn't fight my revulsion towards men. The men I've liked have been older, and cruel.

Truthfully, I'm probably going to do what I want anyway. But I would enjoy feedback, or support, or whatever. Mostly, I want to know that I am not alone in what I'm going through. Usually, I feel like I'm the only one dealing with these issues.

Hi Bewlayb1 (What's in a name? I wonder where you got this one?) Welcome to the site. Sorry you feel you need to be here, but since you do, I'm glad you found us.

There were a couple of things about your post that made me want to reply;

[quote=Bewlayb1]I was born gay, but I am repulsed by sex. For a few years now, I have deflected any advances from men. It's not entirely conscious, more an instinct of self-protection.

At a gay bar, a bisexual woman hit on me. She was a little crazy to have done it, but, being fairly crazy myself, I liked it. I've seen her a few times afterwards. I find that I am daydreaming about her, and writing about her. I wonder if I am lying to myself, or if I shouldn't fight my revulsion towards men.quote]

You didn't mention how old you are, either here or in your profile, but I'm assuming you are fairly young. (I'm 49 BTW) I'd like to know how you know you were born gay. Was it typed on your little blue wristband in the hospital nursery or something? I knew I liked men at a fairly young age, but I didn't decide to consider myself exclusively homosexual until I was in my late 30's. You stated that you have a revulsion towards men and an attraction towards this bisexual woman, so what makes you so sure you are gay? It' not uncommon for us to wonder about our sexual identity, but you proclaim it first and then deny it later. What's going on in your head? Yes, I know your post is titled "Sexually Confused". I'd have to agree with that.

I'm not sure I agree with popular wisdom that sexual identity is a genetic trait - something that we're born with. I considered myself bisexual for many years, for many reasons. I finally decided that I wanted to be gay more than I wanted to be straight (having been down both roads), so I can empathize with your indecision. From what little you've told us in your post, I would say that you don't know your sexual identity yet. That's OK, you don't have to becide now, or ever for that matter.

I got hit on by a lot of women over the years. Once I was in a gay bar with some friends and we met up with a group of lesbians. I hit it off with one of them and we ended up sleeping together several times. It was fun, and a big joke among both of our friends. But it wasn't especially confusing. We simply liked each other, and that was that.

So let's talk about your aversion to men. As a CSA survivor, it is completely understandable. But you must know that not all men are like that. If you can't or won't have sex with men, why do you label yourself gay? It seems there are several issues you should confront and resolve before you make any 'permanent' determinations about who you are and what you want. And just to help in case you have preconcieved notions; being abused by a male and being sexually aroused by it does NOT make you gay. It happens to a lot of us, gay, straight or whatever.

As you read more posts here at MS, you will get a better feeling for what I am trying to say; I don't feel like I'm explaining myself very well right now. You will also find that we are not going to judge you or anything like that. This is a safe place to talk about your feelings, no matter what they are.

I wish you luck and hope you will post more.

Lazarus

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"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

Thank you for that reply, Lazarus. Despite some differences in opinion, that was very comforting. I know that this might be a controversial sentiment, but I am certian I was "born gay." For one, before the abuse, I had crushes on boys. Platonic and innocent, but definitely indicative of a gay sexual orientation, to my mind. And, I acted effeminate, liked dolls, hated sports.

My abuser robbed me not only of my childhood, but who I was. That boy was eight, and over two years, he was slowly murdered. There is very little similarity between him and me. Yet, physically, I am more aroused by men. An ambivalence, though, torments me. It's shame. It's disgust. It's fear. It's as if someone offers you something you want, like money, and then tells you someone died for it. There are two vying instincts, not rational, but equally strong.

During my last three years of utter insanity, between fiften and eighteen, I actually only had crushes on men that resembled me. Odd, gothic in a way. Basically, my sexuality is in tatters. But I can't pretend that I wouldn't have been gay if I hadn't been abused.

As for the bisexual girl I like, I wouldn't be with her just for fun. I haven't had sex with anyone for about two years. I've always wanted something serious. I don't believe I'll ever have sex again if its meaningless, because I end up feeling used.

I'm twenty five and Bewlayb1 is a reference to one of my favorite David Bowie songs, "The Bewlay Brothers." Ironic, no?

Thanks again for the reply Lazarus. I think sexual abuse has wrought a lot of bisexuals, or what-am-I?-sexuals, men and women, and it was heartening to hear from one.

No, actually that cleared up a lot of questions in my mind. I can completely understand the dichotomy of wanting something and yet fearing it at the same time. And I can appreciate your belief that sex should mean something.

When you say you wouldn't be with your bisexual girlfriend just for fun, I am assuming that by 'be with her' you mean 'have sex with her'. Since you are gay, the only reason for a relationship with a woman is for fun, friendship, support, etc. There's certainly nothing wrong with that.

I'm not familiar with 'The Bewlay Brothers' but I do like David Bowie. I'll have to look that one up before I can understand the irony...

I'd like to ask you to elaborate on your third paragraph; 'last three years of utter insanity'? Why is the fact that you were attracted to men like yourself odd or gothic? It doesn't seem like your sexuality is in tatters, but perhaps your expectations are, and rightfully so. And I agree with your remark about not being able to pretend you wouldn't have been gay if you hadn't been abused. I was never able to 'blame' my orientation on that either...

It's good to hear from you again. You are a intuitive and articulate young man, and I hope to hear from you again.

Ricaka Lazarus

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

I think I've gone through a slight amount of this sexual confusion but in a different way.

I think when you start recalling horrible rape from pre-pubescent life, it plays tricks on your mind.... because suddenly you are acknowledging sexual experiences, bad ones, rape, possibly by same sex individual(s)...and you think... could this have somehow changed my destiny?

I doubt it though, at least in my case. But it does play tricks on your mind, and in my case, being in a permanent relationship it threatened that.

Also, in my case, with difficulty on intimacy in recent years, that also played tricks on my mind.

In the end though, I realized that I'm definitely not heterosexual. Not at all.

As to bisexuality, I think many people have the ability or possibility to swing in that direction on occasion in life.I had a girlfriend before I came out as gay - and I could certainly see that it is technically possible we could have sex again.

But the inner me is not heterosexual at all.

I think sexual orientation is best defined by what you desire, not by your actions...strange as this may sound.

But there have been many men who lived for decades, whole lifetimes, in a forced, totally monogomous, heterosexual relationship, having sexual intercourse only with a woman... but were in fact repressing their homosexuality for religious or other reasons.

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