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Child: I tried to return my books and the machine outside wouldn’t take them.
Me: When were they due?
Child: March 18th.
Me: *checks date* that was almost a month ago, you’re going to have late fees.
Child: But I tried to return them and the machine wasn’t working.
Me: Did you try coming inside and giving it to one of us to check in?
Child: No, we had to go somewhere.
Me: Well then you’re going to get late fees.
Mother: We tried to return them and the machine wasn’t working.
Me: I’m aware, but you could have just called us when we were open and we could have renewed over the phone.
Mother: I didn’t do that.
Me: Well, I’m sorry but you’re going to get late fees.
Mother: How much?
Me: Not a lot, it’s $7.80.
Mother: *grimaces* make less.
Me: I’m sorry?
Mother: Make less. I want you to make less.
Me: Make less? Make the fines less?
Mother: Yes.
Me: You turned them in a month late, I can’t waive your fines. She can do book reports or read in the library to lower the fines.
Mother: *counts out $7.80* here.
Me: You have to pay up front.

*sigh*
Man: Do you have books on spaceships?
Me: *searches* I see we only have books on rockets and space shuttles here.
Man: NO, I need a SPACEship.
Me: Ok, we don’t have any at this branch, I can request them?
Man: I’m building one, you know?
Me: A…spaceship?
Man: YES. I just need a book to help me. I drew them already.
*shows me a drawing of the Starship Entertprise from Star Trek*

Kinda like this. He’s claiming this as his. But it’s not built yet.

Me: Oh… I see you did.
Man: I’m going to make a warp speed spaceship with a microwave.
Me: Sounds cool. Did you want me to order the book?
Man: *Talks to me for the next 20 minutes about his microwave space ship*

Patron: “Why can’t my son play with the lemon? ”
Me: “Because it’s an actual lemon.”
Patron: “It’s just a lemon.”
Me: “That someone can step on.”
Patron: “No one’s going to step on it.”
Me: “Ma’am, it’s food…produce. Not a toy. There are actual toys to play with over here.”