Sunday, October 5, 2014

My hackles are up concerning the existence of The Pop-up Book of Phobias since I have an intense phobia of pop-up books which I only learned I have upon seeing this one. It's inevitable that if I ever get within 5 feet of this thing, some slimy fish-headed beast with clacking claws and hairy spider-legs will jump out at me from under the cover like a monstrous Jack-in-the-Book. Only -- unlike the creature in the child's toy, this nightmare would drag me kicking back into its lair. Just looking at the cover, I can sense the creeps peering out at me from inside the "o"s. That feeling of impending, inevitable doom. This book radiates it, in its own ironic way. It's a hipster Necronomicon.

That feeling. That feeling is also why I can't play Perfection. You know, the child's game? Our children used to own that game. And it went missing. We never found it. Maybe I hid it. In the thrift store giveaway box. At the bottom, underneath a sweater with a bleach stain. What nightmares deserve. Bleach.

Playing Perfection gave me the sensation that the universe was going to blink out at any moment, an espresso shot of anxiety which would rattle me for the rest of the day. In fact, Perfection may have been designed specifically to torment people like me. The entire premise of the game is that you, me, the player, are trying to bring Order to a Mess, and your Life is running out, Death is imminent, there is no time and you're NOT GOOD ENOUGH, there's an explosion of rattling yellow plastic and it could come at ANY MOMENT and it did and you lose and you die and would you like to pull yourself together and play again, sucker?

It's quite possible that The Pop-up Book of Phobias is simply a false cover fitted over an old box of Perfection which has a piece missing. Maybe that's what I'm really afraid of.

Saturday, October 4, 2014

When I saw this, all I could imagine was swimming in the cold, and what it would feel like to be treading water, naked legs kicking and sliding against the slick thumping bodies of a mass of swirling fish flesh... it would be a unique sensation.