Mom, Can You Come Pick Me Up, There’s People Drinking Here

Mom, remember how you said to call you in case of emergency? Well I really don’t think it’s safe here. They’re drinking beer, and wine, and other things, and I really need you to come pick me up.

I honestly don’t even think the parents are home; I don’t know who said they could have this party. They’re all drinking stuff from red cups, but I saw someone drinking stuff out of a weird bottle and out of a girl’s belly button. Please come get me—I’m really scared.

What did you say? I can’t hear you; the music’s too loud. I asked them to turn it down, but they didn’t listen to me. They’re not being very nice to be honest. All I wanted was a cup of cranberry juice, but they wouldn’t let me have one. What else would they need it for? Mom please, I know it’s a long drive from Iowa, but I need you to take me home.

What really disappoints me is that they forgot to get a cake. Come on, how can you throw a party without cake? Oh, one sec, I just realized they have Jello here, like a lot of Jello. Which is good because you know how much I like Jello. It tastes a little funny, but I’m going to try all the flavors.

You know what? These are starting to make me feel a lot better. I kinda want to go dance now. There’s a lot of cute girls, and if I’m lucky maybe I can get one to hold hands with me. See ya, Mom. Don’t wait up—I might be out ‘till 11:30 tonight!