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2016: The Year Of Transformation

It is embarrassing to be posting a picture like that on social media. But, if I am able to motivate just one of you reading this, my job is done. It is ridiculous to share with the world my vulnerabilities and hopelessness. It is definitely sickening to accept that I was in trouble and continue to be.

The year has been one of great transformation for me both personally and professionally. I have seen myself lower than the belly button of sixteen-legged centipede. I have seen myself cry for help. I have noted who stood by me on days when I was vulnerable and I have seen the ones who left. I have done a lot of hard-work to reach where I am now. And it was not an easy task…

Life is a tough task-master. It demands from you every ounce of energy that you have, to bounce back from the bottomless pits of existential crises. My very close friends would know my struggle but largely, most of my friends are unaware of it and I would like to keep it that way.

But what I would like to share, are the lessons I learnt in this year of transformation.

Life will throw at you things that you will be caught unaware off. Buckle Up, because the struggle never ends. It’s like a rollercoaster ride, the moment you think it is over, you realize there is one more round of it left and you go back on the crazy frenzy.

Know this for a fact that people you meet, are always there for a reason. They will teach you something. Be ready to learn the lesson. So someone might teach you about adventure sports, someone will teach you about self-confidence and some people are sent to hear your bullshit, tell you its bull shit and then hear your bull shit some more. The latter, are your friends. Keep them close.

There will always be moments of self-doubt, when you will feel you are not good enough. Those moments are the best teachers you will ever lay your hands on. And the only way to get over self-doubt, is to ensure that you look beyond them. That will be the toughest thing to do, to look beyond. But, there is a world beyond that. You just have to wait for the ‘smog’ to clear up.

On your way up or down the ladder, be nice to everyone you meet. You never know who is pulling the ladder under your feet and who is holding the ladder for you.

And lastly, exercise. That’s the only thing that will ever make you go through your day, good or bad alike. Eat whatever you want, but exercise. And challenge yourself everyday. The sense of accomplishment, the feeling of self-worth and the happiness you derive from picking a 60 kgs tyre or doing a body combat session or dawning your kickboxing gloves and throwing punches with all you have got… It can never be measured.

I know 2017 will be doubly challenging, and I am sure I will be, pardon my French, ‘fucked up by life’ in ways that I cannot even imagine right now, yet I am upbeat, confident that I will handle it. Cos that’s what I do the best. Handle them.

Wow. It’s so interesting that just a few days ago my sister Joan told me she wrote a book. (Dear Lord, Who Am I Really, by Joan Clickner) It was the first I knew. I did know that in the past two years she seemed to have been increasingly taking life by the horns. I guess she was shy, because we are both writers, like my father before us. But it sort of blew me away because she revealed her journey up from shame, self- loathing, inaction, and difficulty truly accepting God’s love and forgiveness for all our bullshit.
I really had never understood that she felt that lack of self-worth- and that we had that in common. Rising up out of that in my fifties, I wish it hadn’t taken me that long. She is in her forties, and looks to me like a great wife, mother, friend, sister, and office manager, and everybody always told me I was brilliant, etc. which I figured was just because I was an effective phony. So neither of us really knew each other as well as we thought. It made me cry. Earlier in my life I didn’t really support my sisters. It was more about sibling competition, and plus I was the oldest; in a way my father’s son. I have always presented myself as tough, and seen that as a masculine characteristic. So what you said about supporting women hits home.
When Sweet Briar College, where my father taught for 21 years, was suddenly slated to close, Joan and some other alumnae got together and figured out that there was corruption involved. By a combination of legal action and fundraising they saved this wonderful women’s college where we grew up. Also she started a support group for women losing weight and getting healthy, and lost 20 pounds, which is one of the things that brought home the similarity. I am so impressed. So looks like you too are getting a jump on the rest of your life, and before it is too late to experience everything you can! God bless and keep you!

Yes. Men too, but what you wrote reminded me of what my sister wrote, and both of your messages relate to my life. Funny that you mention your feelings of shame over having a lovely rich cafe colored skin. I always thought it was one of your best features. And you will age better, too. Here in Ecuador they call me Blanquita, and I have to watch it or my thin white skin will freckle and wrinkle like an old cabbage!