WWF RAW is WAR

30.11.98

BLAH

I READ IT ON
WRESTLEMANIACS.COM: I am "your *great Chris
Zimmerman*."

I GET LETTERS:
George "John Ringo" Paul, the Marketing Director over at
the very fine Internet
800/888 Directory
(Yo Paul, why you givin' the 877 the SHAFT?) forwarded me a copy of this
email that he sent elsewhere, apparently working up Some Other Columnist
into a lather:

Why bother? I know you do this for free and we're all supposed to be
real happy with any thing we get for free, but again, why bother at
all? You are not funny, although it appears that you are trying to
emulate the great Chris Zimmerman. Your reporting is spotty and
incomplete. Your tone is negative. Its as if you either:
a) don't like the sport, but must write reports as some bizarre
penance (accrued for god knows what transgressions), or
b) you're annoyed that you are spending your precious time writing
about a taped show, when you should be in charge of pre-boob
jobinspections for all of Vince's new female hires (as well as follow
up inspections and periodic massages).

What you can do to improve your report:
1) Stop writing it. Hand the job over to someone who isn't gonna fill
it full of his own personal complaints and boo-hooing.
2) See number 1

He did not reply.

In the interests of full disclosure, it should be noted that I *dared*
George to write him. Also, he DID reply, he just chose to send it
publicly instead of via email. And then he made fun of the gentle reader.
Well, now I would *never* do that (unless it was really funny).

I can't take credit for the other letter that appeared in that report,
though, only to point out that while I'm not DIRECTLY responsible, I can
see how my (ahem) *greatness* (snicker) may have been INDIRECTLY
responsible for the unfair comparisons leveled at that Heat guy, and for
that all I can do is humbly apologise. I must also point out that I have
*never* made fun of the grammatical and spelling miscues of any gentle
reader (because it wasn't really funny).

But I feel that, if I may once again turn to the Fab Four, I must point
out that in the End, the love you take is equal to the love you make. And
THAT is why I have to admit that seeing a fellow columnist reach out to me
with all the love of a tick, latch on and never, EVER let go - well, it
makes me sport some wood, to be obscene about it. Well, okay, it
*doesn't* actually, but man, when HYATTE drops my name, it's just a big
sticky mess, it is. I love that man so much I almost feel bad he only
tries to catch me on ICQ when I'm, you know, WORKING. AT MY REAL JOB.
LIVING MY REAL LIFE. IN MY OWN LITTLE WORLD. That said, I only exist
because Hyatte allows it, I know it, you know it, we shan't pretend. Of
course, we ALSO all know that he's only going through the motions, keeping
up pretenses because he's still trying to deny Ryder, Scherer, and the
nwwwwwwwo that great big party for when he- oops, I've said too much.

Pray with me now: "Lord, I TRIED to take the high road. But Lord, I can
only coast DOWNHILL, and once I picked the low road, I REALLY picked up
some speed...but thank you for forgiving me in advance. Jesus rules!"

One - world - leader - attitude - WWF!

Max Headroom vocal choppy editing style clip montage of Austin being
knocked out, and some other stuff that happened on last week's RIW that
I'm not talking about again because IT STUNK TO HIGH HEAVEN AND SUCKED
LIKE A HOOVER, BABY!

Let Us Take You Back to "Moments Ago" where Undertaker and Paul Bearer
talk - they have "EVIL" planned tonight for Kane and Austin! Let's hope
it's more entertaining than last week's evil anyway.

Opening credits and FIREWORKS!

WE ARE LIVE from the Baltimore Arena in Baltimore, MD 30.11.98 for RAW IS
WAR! broadcast live on the USA & TSN Networks, closed captioned and en
espanol donde sea disponible, oh and rated TV-PG-V.

I am shocked that we're not opening with a McMahon interview!

HEAD BANGERS (with Insane Clown Posse)
v. - clips from last week show us
why the Posse is hangin' with the 'bangers. ICP do the trash talk thing
on their way to the ring. We also cut to the back to see STONE COLD STEVE
AUSTIN enter from the back with a shovel - in fact
we *stay* on this shot
and follow Austin all the way to the ring, where the sound of breaking
glass means we just might not find out the opponents for the Head Bangers
tonight. Violent J gets a Stunner. Thrasher gets a Stunner. Mosh gets a
Stunner. He's ripping up his lovely Morbid Angel tank top! Austin poses
to the crowd with the shovel for a while. Ross: "Feel the magic of this
man." Umm, thank you, no. Austin says he doesn't want to wait 13 days
for Rock Bottom (order NOW!), he wants Undertaker TONIGHT. Crowd says
"'cause Stone Cold said so" along with Austin because they've been
conditioned. Still no McMahon, I'm feeling some withdrawl. Anyway,
tonight we're in for some excitement between Austin and the Undertaker.

Your hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler, who provide commentary.
Somewhere on Segundo Audio, you may also hear Carlos Cabrera and Hugo
Savitovich. Tonight, in addition to that, we're gonna have a LADDER match
for the Hardcore title as Mankind takes on the Big Bossman. WWF TITLE is
on the line as the Rock meets Al Snow! And tonight, THE BIG DATE between
Mark Henry and Chyna!

Backstage, we see Henry making himself pretty as D'Lo provides
encouragement.

Somewhere else backstage, we see Austin asking referee Dave Korderas where
Undertaker is. He doesn't know, so he roughs him up a little bit.

New WWF videos! Undertaker: the man from the Dark Side! Sable unleashed!
Three Faces of Foley! Best of Survivor Series! WOW! Where's my piggy
bank?

WWF War Zone for the Nintendo ad.

Shot of the two WWF-related TV Guide covers to appear this week - Austin
and Undertaker. Ross says if those two are sold out, you might be stuck
having to buy Hulk Hogan or "Stone Cold wanna be" Goldberg covers, oh no!

RAW is WAR is brought to you by the JVCkaboom!box (strap it on), Norelco
shavers, and Castrol GTX oil (drive hard).

NEW AGE OUTLAWS v. GANGREL & EDGE (with
Christian and a burnin' ring o'
far) for the World Tag Team Championship - Let Us
Take You Back to Heat
last night, where Mr. McMahon made a pitch to the Outlaws to join the Team
Corporate. We don't know whether that went through or not. Crowd still
chants along with the whole Bufferesque introduction for the Outlaws. Hey,
the Brood wears their sunglasses at night! Double whip on Gangrel, who
does a Muta/Kwang impersonation on Gunn, spewing red, viscous substances
in his face, then taking it to the Road Dogg. They end up going back and
forth, culminating in a Side Russian legsweep on James for 2. Tag to
Edge, James tries to take control but Edge hits a nice flying
headscissors. While Gunn climbs the ropes to interfere, Christian
crotches him. Meanwhile, Edge hits a nice top rope Frankensteiner on
James - when he goes to do the same to Gunn, he counters and powerbombs
Edge. TEAM
CORPORATE,
meanwhile, has appeared at the top of the ramp
(whew! McMahon) while the "asshole" chant starts up. James gives the high
sign to the ramp before delivering his Wiggly Wobbly Incredibly Sucky
kneedrop for 2. Tag to Gunn, who quickly finds himself flat on the canvas
after Edge ducks and they butt heads delivering dueling flying jalapenos.
Who will tag first? Let's take a look at the replay of Gangrel spitting
up read stuff. Tag to James, tag to Gangrel, and surprisingly, it's
GANGREL who is the house afire. Next thing you know, all four men are in,
Edge has clotheslined James out of the ring, but Gunn has managed to hang
onto Gangrel and get him into position for a piledrive - before he can
deliver, however, Christian has come in, waffling Gunn with a tag team
strap (DQ 2:57)
- before the Brood can take the Outlaws out, Boss Man and
Shamrock have come in to clean house. Meanwhile, the Stooges are
escorting the Outlaws away from the fray, probably explaining all the
while how membership, indeed, has it's privliges. Crowd is chanting
"Shamrock sucks."

Backstage, Austin is still hunting for Undertakers in the bowels of the
building. He's found his way to the keg-and-meat-locker section of the
Arena. Because he's stupid, he walks all the way INTO a meatlocker, and
Undertaker just happens to be waiting to close the door and lock it.
Chill out, Austin! Ahahahahahahahahahahaha...man, I crack myself up
sometimes.

That wacky Glover (you gotta love the Glove) presents the WWF Rewind, from
tonight, earlier tonight, Stunner, Stunner, Stunner. I felt like I just
seen this.

Walking down the staircase of an elegant hotel, D'Lo Brown tells Mark
Henry that he looks pretty good. Henry says that he needs Brown to come
along with him on his big date with Chyna. "What could be better than to
have the second most handsome man in the WWF with me?" If Henry tells me
one more time how he's gonna "bust a move," I'm gonna force feed him some
Delicious Vinyl RIGHT NOW, and don't think I can't do it if I don't get
mad enough. Brown reluctantly agrees to be the third wheel.

UNDERTAKER
slowly walks to the ring. Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago,
in case you missed Austin being padlocked into a meat locker at the
diabolical hands of the Undertaker and Paul Bearer (and Master Locks -
can't shoot 'em open [in the middle]!). Let me say that that D'Lo sign
kicks ass. Ross makes the "chillin' out" pun and I feel cheap. "Kane, I
know somewhere in the dark recesses of this building, that you are here.
As my Ministry grows ever stronger, and my plague of evil over the World
Wrestling Federation grows ever stronger, there are two things that stand
in our way. Stone Cold Steve Austin - Austin I'm gonna keep on ice, 'til
I bury him alive at Rock Bottom [hah!] - but tonight, Kane, our battle is
joined. So if you have the courage, boy, I want you to come out here.
Because when this night ends, one of us will face the future, and one of
us faces eternal darkness." As if on cue, the lights go out, and the
music swells up, which means HELL FIRE
AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE. Ross
reminds us that last night on Heat, Paul Bearer promised to have Kane
committed to an institution if Kane dared show his face tonight, but that
doesn't seem to matter to the Big Red Machine. Undertaker with punches.
Kane, blocks a third and punches away himself. Trading blows, to the
corner, Kane whips him out and Undertaker puts up a boot to block the
charge. TOMBSTONE PILEDRIVER! Elbowdrop by the Undertaker, choke is on.
Kane ain't movin'. Undertaker motions to the back as Kane gets up. Kane
clotheslines Undertaker over the top rope as PAUL BEARER leads
several
ORDERLIES to
the ring. Kane fights off the first few guys in white coats,
then takes off through the crowd as the orderlies try to pursue.

Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago where Henry takes Brown to his stretch
limousine. Brown says he feels underdressed now and shouldn't go along.
Henry takes out a brand new jacket and a pair of sunglasses. Brown is
feeling (and looking) good. Henry says he's got one more accessory - and
it's a hat. Brown (who wears his sunglasses at night) finally comes to
the realisation that Henry intends for him to be the chauffer tonight.
Brown fumes and gets behind the wheel, then slams the door. Henry looks
towards the door until Brown gets out. "You need to practice, man!"
"Just get in the damn car." Henry gets in and Brown closes the door
behind him, then they take off. This was PRICELESS style funny. This was
as good as the idea of embalming Austin sucked, it was THAT good.

Live, at (what must be a different)a hotel, Chyna appears and Mark Henry
tries to present a bouquet but she's not interested. He tries to help her
with her coat, prompting a "don't touch me." Just before entering the
limo, she gives a doubletake to the chauffer - "D'Lo?" "Naw, naw, that
ain't D'Lo." D'Lo gives ANOTHER great look to Henry and they drive off.

X-PAC walks to
the ring as we are taken back to last week where new WWF
Commissioner Shawn Michaels turns Corporate by waffling X-Pac with a chair
during the WWF title bout. 'pac's got a little sumtin sumtin to say. He
doesn't know what's going on with the Outlaws, you'll have to ask them.
Turning to Michaels, he asks him to come on down so he can beat his ass.
SHAWN MICHAELS
*does* appear, mic in hand, dressed in a new Armani suit,
and STILL the crowd pops for him. No pyro for him this week, though.
"First of all, X-Pac - KID - in case you didn't hear me last week, I'm
gonna repeat myself - I *am* the new sheriff in town! I am the new
Commissioner of the World Wrestling Federation, and if I want any crap
from you, I'll pick it out of your teeth. Now, you better remember I've
had chunks of guys bigger than you in my stool!" "Well how wide must your
bunghole be then?" Let's see, Michaels steals from Phil Hartman as
Sinatra, X-Pac steals from Beavis & Butt-head. Point to Michaels.
Michaels threatens to send X-Pac down to "that money pit in Atlanta,"
which made all the smarts go "oooh!" Michaels says that since X-Pac is
looking for a fight, he's arranged one - a match with Ken Shamrock in
which Shamrock's Intercontinental title WON'T be on the line, but HIS
European title WILL. Michaels calls for the sound guy to "hit MY music"
and the DX theme plays. "Always remember, *I* was DX before DX was cool!"
and he crotch chops at X-Pac and walks off.

We see Brown parking the car and letting out the not quite happy couple.
Chyna notices a price tag on the bouquet. "$1.99 Mark?" They enter the
Baltimore Jack...

The meat locker is open! Austin has escaped! How did that happen? I bet
we find out after this short break!

Henry calls for the waitress and asks for some "Perrierre." Chyna: "Mark,
it's *Perrier*." Henry: "Well, bring some of that, too." Then he sings
along with Marvin Gaye. This RULES.

GOLDUST v. JEDOULBEF JADOULBEREDOUBLET
(with Debra McLegs) - Let Us Take
You Back to three weeks ago and a wicked guitar shot, a backstage brawl
and show that these guys Really Don't Like Each Other. OWEN HART,
meanwhile has joined the commentators at ringside. Ross accuses him of
not being retired, and in fact, he is the Blue Blazer, and Hart denies
everything as only he can. This guy is GOLD as a commentator, I've said
it in the past, and it's a shame we haven't had him doing that too much
this year. Before the bell, Jarrett leaves the ring, Goldust goes out and
gives him some punches. Back in and the bell rings to start the match.
Jarrett ducks and clothesline and hits an armbar takedown. Dropkick
misses and Goldust goes to the punches. Hart says he's been spending his
retirement "healing, and feeling remorseful about my past." Goldust hits
a front chancery into a forward slam, but Debra puts Jarrett's foot on the
ropes. After a brief dalliance outside (where Goldust thinks about
getting after Debra until Jarrett hits him from behind), they're back in
and going back and forth. Owen reminds us that he won the King of the
Ring in this building, and he really misses the business, but he wishes
people would stop accusing him of being the Blue Blazer. Meanwhile,
Goldust has taken over and is setting up Jarrett for the Shattered Dreams,
so Debrea comes in the ring and pleads her case (And shows her wares in
the process. Her skirt is SO short I think I can make out some underwear
there (not that I was, err, ahh, looking). Anyway, as Goldust gives the
"you can kiss my ass" pantomime, Hart has dropped his headset and entered
the ring, pounding on Goldust from behind (DQ 3:27) and then
taking it to
Goldust. Here's the BLUE
BLAZER (say Ross, how many times do they have to
be in the same place at the same time before you SHUT UP about Hart being
the Blazer?), but he attacks *Hart* until the mystery is solved as he
unmasks to reveal that he's really STEVE BLACKMAN, who
continues
to pound away on Hart despite the appearance of every WWF referee.

Backstage, a split screen shows Steve Austin walking around with his
shovel and Undertaker and Bearer leading the orderlies around. Gee, good
thing those camera guys don't communicate their locations to each other!

I have to point out that even though we've only had two matches, both DQs
(and one no contest, and one "confrontation"), this has been an
*entertaining* hour. Since I tend to only complain, I feel I need to pipe
up here. Good job, WWF.

Hey, did Reginald VelJohnson like change wives between his last 10-10-321
commercial and this one? Wait a minute - isn't that what's her name from
the Jeffersons? What does her husband from 227 think about all this? You
know this commercial must REALLY be bothering me or I wouldn't have
brought it up...

The PlayStation slam of the Week (brought to you by MediEvil) is Al Snow's
Head shot on Ken Shamrock, ensuring that Mankind wins his Triple Threat
title defense.

BIG BOSSMAN (with Commissioner Shawn
Michaels and the TV-PG-V ratings box)
v. MANKIND (with the J.O.B. Squad) for the Hardcore
Title - Michaels makes
the "blow job" pantomime to some fans at ringside, what's THAT about?
Also, Michaels forces Gill, Holly and Scorpio out of the ringside area as
Bossman takes the nightstick to Mankind to start this match. This match
TECHNICALLY starts in the first hour (albeit at the 59 minute mark).
Michaels joins the commentators and tells us that he's gonna grade
Mankind's performance in this match. Meanwhile, Mankind's taken Bossman
to the STEEL steps and followed up with a ladder shot (Michaels gives it a
"-2") Mankind takes the ladder and gives ANOTHER shot to the mush as the
cameraman trips and falls over (ha!). Mankind suplexes the ladder onto
Bossman ("1"). Michael says he didn't sell out, he made a decision that
would be best for the fans as well as himself. Mankind has the ladder in
the centre of the ring and is climbing, but Bossman is in, so Mankind hits
an elbow off the ladder. Bossman is sandwiched in the ladder, there's an
elbowdrop to the ladder (wow! - even Michaels gives it a "6"). Another
elbowdrop on the ladder. Ladder set up over Bossman's prone form and he's
climbing again - but Bossman springs up and punches until Mankind is off
the ladder. Whip of the ropes, duck clothesline, double underhook DDT by
Mankind. Mankind climbs the ladder, and stops one rung short, pawing at
the belt (they ALWAYS do this in these matches, because they're stupid)
until Bossman can knock over the ladder, and Mankind to the canvas.
Bossman sets the ladder up in the corner and he might FINALLY get some
offense in. Mankind meets the ladder in the corner. Bossman sets up the
ladder and climbs very slowly - Mankind takes him down and Bossman gets
the better of the traded bows. Bossman climbs the ladder as Michaels
gives him a "10." Just before Bossman can grab the belt, Mankind has
scaled the other side of the ladder and is punching away. Now he's got a
sock and here's the Mandible Claw. Bossman falls, keeping the sock in his
mouth. Mankind doesn't get the belt, though. Bossman delivers some
kidney shots, but he's still woozy. But now THE ROCK is out and
he pushes
the ladder over - Mankind his the ropes and twists his leg in the ladder
(wicked looking!). Rock sets up the ladder for Bossman but Mankind is up
- Golotta for Rock and takedown off the ladder for Bossman. Mankind
climbs, but the Rock gets up and pulls him off the ladder. Punch, ROCK
BOTTOM!, kick. Bossman with a knee to the trachea as Rock sets up the
ladder. It's all academic. Bossman grabs the belt, and, ladies and
gentlemen, we have a new Hardcore Champion (6:21). Bossman gives
a
nightstick shot to Mankind, Shawn comes in and delivers some blows of his
own (holding his back every time - yeah right Shawn), then the Rock gives
some kicks (boy those shoes make him look gay - sorry), finally Shawn
delivers a nightstick to the trachea.

It looks like Paul Bearer has found Kane, he's motioning to Undertaker...

Undertaker and Kane are fighting in some room with a lot of really hard
tables and chairs. Undertaker finally manages to KO his half-brother and
a body bag is brought out. 'taker sends Paul away to fetch the orderlies
while he bags Kane. Whoops, looks like Austin is hiding behind a wall -
he LEVELS Undertaker with the shovel, breaking off the head of the shovel
in the process. Undertaker is out and Austin stands over him.

MARVY MARC MERO v. DUANE GILL (with the
three-time 75-pound "A" Champion
Pasadena Chargers) - Gill is played as the
Baltimore hometown fave and the
team of 9-year-olds take a lap around the ring before the match starts.
Mero says if he can't beat "that moron, that jobber," that it will be his
last match in the WWF. Mero attacks before teh bell, whip, back bodydrop.
Mero taking the boots to him. Hey, I wouldn't let a pack of 9-year-olds
watch THIS show if I was a good parent! Well, maybe I would. Anyway,
Gill has no offense yet. What a shock. I wonder how he'll manage to win
THIS week. Mero chokes Gill on the ropes for 4. Kick. Head to the
turnbuckle. Kick to the back. Elbow, kick, whip, here comes the TKO.
Should be over, but HOLLY &
SCORPIO
have appeared on the ramp. Mero gives
the "don't hit below the belt" trunk pull. He's up to the top rope for
the Marvelosity, but BLUE
MEANIE has pushed Mero off the buckle - oops -
Gill covers and hooks the leg - 1, 2, 3 (2:10) - Meanie runs
out through
the crowd as Lawler says "ECW" a million times. Can Mero really have just
been retired? Geez, Marc, I'LL miss you anyway.

Backstage, Bearer has the orderlies and they're - WALKING! - WOW that's
excitement. Anyway, Bearer is blissfully unaware about Austin taking
matters into his own hands.

Another shot of TV Guide. I forgot to mention the quote they've pulled.
"...young viewers have been abandoning the broadcast networks for the
WWF's RAW..."

X-PAC v. KING KEN SHAMROCK (with
Commissioner Shawn Michaels) for the
European Championship - X-Pac tries to attack
before the bell but is
knocked down by Shamrock. Michaels again joins the commentary team.
X-Pac reverses a whip but eats an elbow following up. Shamrock with a
slam. Michaels says that since the Kid got a title shot last week, it's
only fair that HIS title be on the line tonight. X-Pac hits an AMAZING
flying jalapeno. Backstage, we see VINCENT K. & SKIPPY
and the stooges
talking with the Outlaws. McMahon was apparently on CNN's "Moneyline"
tonight but I missed it, darn I should watch "Moneyline" more. Shamrock
with a near fall. Shamrock with a vertical suplex for 2. The story is
the Outlaws are so busy talking with the McMahon family that they have no
time to help out their DX mate. X-Pac fights out of the front facelock
but gets drilled with a kick. Again the front chancery is applied. Arm
falls once, arm falls twice, arm doesn't fall thrice. He's punching out,
kick ducked, spinning heel kick of his own lands. Whip, another big
spinning heel kick, 1, 2, no. To the corner, kick, kick, spinning wheel
kick, and now he's kick a seated Shamrock - bronco buster is on, yeehaw!
Michaels leaves the broadcast position to have a few words with referee
"Blind" Tim White, just in time for X-Pac to hit his X Factor facebuster -
the cover is made but White and Michaels are having a discussion.
Meanwhile, the new Corporate Hardcore Champion BIG BOSS MAN is out
to whomp on X-Pac behind the ref's back and now Shamrock is ready for the
anklelock - but dig this, it's TRIPLE
H
taking it to Shamrock (DQ
4:41).
Helmsley and X-Pac walk off, and while Shamrock has the victory, he
doesn't get the gold from around the waist of X-Pac. Boss Man and
Michaels take turns throwing over the top tantrums and Michaels gives the
evil eye to Helmsley. The three huddle in the centre of the ring as we
cut to a replay.

Bearer and the Orderlies have arrived - there's only a body bag in the
ring. Bearer opens it, sees that that's Kane's mask, and has the
Orderlies strap him to the gurney and take him off. Everybody reading
should have figured by now this can't possibly be Kane, right? OK.

WWF War Zone for the Nintendo ad.

Chyna and Mark Henry are at a bar - "Brick House" is playing so Henry
feels that he has to bust a move. Henry does indeed bust that move and
again Chyna is fighting back a hearty laugh - is that a smile? Henry says
he's off to powder his nose, and takes off. In the meantime, three guys
spy Chyna and walk over to put the moves on her. Chyna tells them to get
lost (she sounds JUST like Nicole Bass, doesn't she?) The guy does a
really bad Austin Powers imitation (hmm, he's everywhere) and then calls
her a bitch, so she dops him with a right. Henry takes care of the other
two guys (including a great slide into the bar) and Chyna drags him outta
there.

VAL VENIS (with Godfather and six -
err, three ho's) v. TIGER ALI SINGH
(with Babu Nahasapeemapetilan and flag and no
entrance) - Ross says "hi"
to the TSN fans, not realising they've probably cut out this segment In
Real Time anyway. Venis says some stuff that's probably funny if only I
gave a damn. Venis asks Godfather to keep his eye on that little monkey
there (Babu) and if he gets out of line, to spank that little monkey. Oh,
man, but I'm rolling on the floor here. Right, right, right, right,
right, right, arm wringer, whip out to the opposite corner, charge misses,
Singh with some rights of his own. Wow, punchfest is exciting huh. I
guess when I bitch like this, that's why I get two match hours, ha. hard
whip into the corner by Singh. Venis counters with a spinebuster. Quit
shot of the breasts - err, ho's. Kick by Singh. I think they're onto
something, just include the ho's in every shot and I won't care how good
or bad the match is. Nice DDT by Singh but only 2. Singh in command, to
the corner, elbow up, Venis comes back. The ho's are feeling up Babu -
why? So he won't interfere, I guess...I don't know. Venis with a side
Russian legsweep. JACQUELINE &
MARLENA
are making their way down the
aisle because there isn't enough happening, apparently - the WWF is the
GREATEST FEDERATION IN THE WORLD. Jacqueline is talking to Godfather -
make your own joke - and, yup, Marlena gets another Golotta on Venis
(DQ
2:59) to end the match. And NOW, because there
isn't ENOUGH going on
STILL, here are THE
ACOLYTES (Bradshaw and Faarooq) and they *destroy*
Singh and Babu. Total destruction. Faarooq's almost completely lost that
really huge ass he had a while back, which is probably the reason he's not
out in Vaderland. JACKYL
has appeared and he likes what he sees. Me too
- I need more Jackyl on my TV.

We see Bearer, seeing off the ambulance - then we see the same shot in a
monitor - in a dressing room - being watched by Kane and Austin. Shock!
Horror! Ad break!

Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago Where You See What You Just Seen

SKIPPY McMAHON
comes out - no Vince tonight I guess, so we'll have to
settle for Shane. "What you're about to see is a, ah, lesson in humility.
A reminder to Sable where she started. All of you remember where Sable
started, don't you? She started right here on this stage, modeling WWF
T-shirts. If it wasn't for the marketing genius of my pops, Mr. McMahon,
Sable would be absolutely nowhere. Vince took Sable's career to superstar
status. Well, ladies and gentlemen without further ado, your World
Wrestling Federation Women's Champion - Sable!" And there's (THE LOVELY)
SABLE, carrying the title belt *and* a bottle of
"WWF Attitude" (available
for *only* $19.99 + $4 s/h, call now) Shane hypes the fragrance,
mispronouncing "eau de toilette," and has Sable spray it on so he can
smell it. After that happens, she sprays it in his face. Shawn is taken
aback, then says it "also makes a delicious breath spray" before putting
on the angry face and walking to the back.

WWF Rock Bottom In Your House is brought to you by Glover - you gotta love
with a glove!

THE ROCK v. AL SNOW (with Head) for the
WWF Championship - Rock has
ANOTHER new theme, which gives him, like 144 I think. Interesting having
the Rock in a main event title match, AGAIN. He's like Bret Hart-style
fighting champion, no? Anybody think Snow has a chance? Clothseline
duck, back elbow by Snow. Pounding, whip into opposite corner, snow comes
off with a cloehtsline as Rock staggers backwards. Enziguiri by Snow for
2! Snow with lotsa headbutts (his own). Overhead suplex, very nice, only
2. Snow with a right, another, and another. Whip off the ropes, Rock
holds on, reverses, gut shot, NICE DDT for 2. Rock with a punch and Snow
is thrown through the ropes as a "Rocky Sucks" chant fires up. Rock
follows and they're off to the commentary table. Snow blocks, then takes
Rock to the English commentary desk. Bodyslam on the floor. ASAI
MOONSAULT OFF THE BARRICADE! but it misses. Rock with a lariat. Snow's
back in, Rock follows. Rock with punches, and a lariat off the ropes,
another clothesline, a third, but only 2 on the cover. Kick to the back,
kick to the gut, punches, Rock threatens referee "Blind" Earl Hebner,
allowing Snow to get in a shot, but Rock is still in command here. Whip,
but Snow slides, and tries to deliver a lariat of his own, but Rock ducks
and Hebner goes down hard. ROCK BOTTOM! Corporate elbow? No, he pulls
Snow into the corner - wait - Rock has the Head - CORPORATE ELBOW ON THE
HEAD! Crowd pops. Rock calls the Head a piece of [mute]. But Snow is
up, he ducks a Head shot, and then picks it up and delivers a Head shot of
his own. Cover - crowd counts to three but Hebner is still KO'd.
BOSS
MAN & SHAMROCK are making their way to the ring
and Snow sees 'em. Snow
tries to hit the Rock one more time, seeing that he's up, but Rock ducks,
hits the Rock Bottom a SECOND time, and Hebner is awake enough to deliver
one of his VERY slow three counts. (5:00) MANKIND is on the
outside
to try to help, but Shamrock and Boss Man stop him before he gets there.
Rock takes Snow to the barricade (another mute in there, WHY must he SWEAR
so much? Think of the CHILDREN!), then delivers a nightstick to the ribs
of Mankind, and a nightstick for Snow. Before the tripleteam can begin in
earnest, GILL, HOLLY &
SCORPIO are out to join the fray. Rock walks off
as his "theme emeritus" plays, but Mankind catches up to him and they
brawl into the back.

Backstage, Bearer looks for Undertaker but finds Austin, then opens a meat
locker to find Kane. They both grab Bearer and take him...where? Find
out after this final ad break!

The sound of breaking glass once again tells us it's time to see
STONE
COLD STEVE AUSTIN, who along with KANE is leading
PAUL BEARER to
the ring.
Could this be the first time that Austin trusts somebody and he DOESN'T
turn on him? Austin calls Bearer "a dumb bastard" because he sent the
Undertaker to "the damn crazy house." Undertaker won't be saving his fat
ass, oh no. Austin relates, once again, the exciting events of last
week's show (ugh) while Bearer tries to weasel out by saying it wasn't
him, it was the Undertaker. "If you wanna see Kane beat the living hell
out of Paul Bearer, gimme a hell yeah!" Just before Kane attacks, Austin
decides that that isn't enough - maybe Kane should go get his gas can.
Austin then thinks better of that. (Oh yeah, he's drinking a beer too.)
Austin takes out a pair of scissors (I guess the sissors from last week)
and cuts up his shirt AND his tie. Austin lifts the scissors high and
says he's gonna gut him. Bearer: "Jesus, take me home!" Austin says he's
not gonna kill him (well, THAT'S a relief) but he's got an idea, c'mon
Kane. Geez, Kane, this is your FATHER, are you gonna step in or NOT?
Backstage we go, let's follow, outside the Arena. Kane is removing a
manhole cover. Well, looks like he's going into the sewer head first. Oh
- kay. Kane puts the lid back on and we're done for tonight. Is it wrong
of me to think that Chyna and Mizark's date was more entertaining than
this? Good night everybody!