June 13, 2003

Triple Cheddar X

1. If your house were burning and you only had time to grab three things (assuming kids and pets got out safely), what would they be?
Since I pretty much own jack shit due to a lack of interest in spending money on things until I have a more permanent address, I guess I would simply grab the most expensive things I own, which are, in order: My computer, my wallet, and, er, well, that's about it I guess, which is good, because that computer weighs a metric freakin' ton.

2. What's the age of the oldest piece of food(cheese maybe) in your fridge?
I have no food in my fridge, owing to the fact I eat out all the time. The only thing even remotely of a food nature in my fridge is a bottle of unbelievably hot sauce (called Endorphin Rush) that I bought in Indianapolis during a business convention in March. Trust me, this stuff is so hot, it will NEVER go bad.

3. Are you open, or do you lie about masturbation/digging your nose to others?
I'm of the firm belief that if someone says they don't masturbate, they're lying. Stroke em if ya got em, and I got em, so I stroke em. However. . . (NOTICE: embarrasing tale about to be related here) Just over two years ago, the urge to smack around dicky and the boys took over, so I dropped my pants ankleward in my room and started enjoying a nice wank. The phone rang. My roommate answered. The phone call was for me. My roommate came crashing into my room (DOES NO ONE KNOCK ANY MORE?) and I half dove, half stumbled into my closet, accidently bringing 3/4 of my clothes down on top of me. My roommate was remarkably cool about the whole thing, and he never even mentioned it. But he sure knocked every time after that.

4. Is the USA too deeply buried in consumerism and crass over marketing? What can be done about it?
Not necessarily. Granted, the omnipresent trademarked logos of the Pizza Huts and McDonalds and Targets of the world grow tiresome and tend to ruin the American landscape, but the products they offer, at prices most everyone can afford, keep people clothed and fed. If you have the financial means to shop elsewhere, more power to you. But, if your's is a family of four trying to make ends meet, a trip to Wal-Mart followed by Econo Foods is just what the doctor ordered. The solution for smaller businesses looking to escape the competitive prices of the uber-retailers? I'm not sure there is one beyond offering a product that people will want regardless of a higher price. Or, offer an atmosphere of small-business rebellion that appeals to neo-ultra leftists who believe everything in America is wrong. Then, charge the living the shit out of them. Other than that, it sure would be nice if the fast-food chains and mega-stores would tone down their signs a tad. I'm certain there are ways to announce the arrival of a Wal-Mart without polluting the landscape with numerous signposts.

5. What was the last lie you told and do you still feel okay about telling it? What would be the consequences if you were found out?
I lie all the time at work. Not in a Jayson Blair sort of way, but in a "oh, yeah, I did that yesterday" sort of way. I lie to buy time, mostly.

6. If you have to chop off a part of your body to live, what part is it going to be and how would you do it?
My penis. No! Wait! I take that back! Boy do I take that back. I'm going to have to go with my pinkie toe on this one. And, if you've ever seen my pinkie toes, you'd know why. They're anotomical afterthoughts, almost totally devoid of movement and almost feeling. A pocketknife and gauze are all that would be required.