I can not tell you how grateful I am to have the insights of an entertainment reporter of Gossip Goat's caliber. Without him I would be totally lost...

"I don't know what the shell is going on anymore" (created by an unknown genius)

Furthermore, when it comes to matters of LIFE and LOVE, I am not one so bold to say, "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE??? I AM!!!!"

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? I AM! gif

Which is why I defer to the wiser, more experienced, better looking Lord Throckmorton Fungusleaves when it comes to these issues in his new tutorial on how to transform your life, overcome sadness, AND win the girl of your dreams. Who the hell could ask for more than that? You would have to be a fool not to watch the video below.

Zayn Malik and One Direction were vague words I heard without understanding until this story broke. Gossip Goat's words will be no consolation to anyone so its better not to publicise them. Lord Fungus is an impostor because there's no such thing as the Royal British Army, but I wish he'd finished his anecdote about Eva Braun instead of bad-mouthing Kim Jong Un.

I can do a pretty fabulous hair flick too. It's glorious. I think you'd have to be living under several rocks to have not heard the bother about Zayn. That got weird fast. This time the people cutting weren't trolls trying to get people to cut. God damn.

At the beginning of Lord Throckmorton's video there was a shot of a fat man blobbed on a couch with a bottle of whiskey in his hand. I realised I was sitting the exact same way - complete with bottle - but also not wearing a shirt. Now I feel like a deadbeat :P