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Who Dey Revolution Manifesto

Preamble

IN THIS TIME of perpetual Cincinnati Bengals incompetence and futility, with zero playoff wins in the nineteen seasons since the WhoDeyRevolution Godfather, Paul Brown, passed away in 1991 and handed the team to his fortunate son, the Despot, Mike Brown;

Introduction

WE, the members of the Who Dey Revolution, in our fervent dedication to the Cincinnati Bengals and fanatical desire to transform our hometown team into perpetual Super Bowl contenders, call for a popular revolution of fans to demand comprehensive reform to the managerial decisions and approach of Cincinnati Bengals ownership, management, staff and players, and hereby call for the adoption of the following Who Dey Revolution Manifesto:

Manifesto Demands

THAT the Mike Brown, Katie Blackburn, Marvin Lewis, along with every other member of the Bengals management, staff and personnel, state publicly to all Bengals fans, “I will do everything in my power to help the Cincinnati Bengals win a Super Bowl;”

THAT Mike Brown will hire a general manager, drastically expand the scouting department and relinquish all control of player personnel;

THAT all training, rehabilitation and medical facilities are considered best-in-class compared to other NFL teams;

THAT the management fill the team only with players who fit the system, both mentally and physically, and are not reluctant to makes changes to player personnel when needed, regardless of cost or loyalty concerns;

THAT offensive and defensive line depth is considered the top priority for all player personnel decisions;

THAT all decisions made by ownership, management, staff and players, both on and off the field, are judged only by this criterion: “Does this help the Cincinnati Bengals win a Super Bowl?”

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November 05, 2008

The L.A. of Anaheim Bengals

I just read one of our fearless commenters saying something to the effect of he can't wait for the Bengals to move to LA, and I thought, that change of scenery would be hysterical on a couple levels.

First, the Bengals would generate about as much interest as the Loyola Marymount athletic teams do. I could see the most attention the team would get would be from fashion inclined people running with our tiger stripes in a comical, I'm above the rules of fashion just like Paul Brown was above the rules of society, kind of way. LA women wearing throwback childrens small halter top jerseys. That I would not be opposed to.

Secondly, Mike Brown would make so so little money. How quickly would that stadium become a ghost town? People out there have better things to do, like rollerblading and living happy lives, than watch and spend money on a semi-professional football organization. The most fans they would get every year would be when USC kicks their ass in a scrimmage. And Mikey would probably have to split the money with USC.

Thirdly, what kind of hijinxs could some of our players get into in LA. Chad hobnobbing with celebrities. Chad would automatically become one of the most well spoken, thoughtful people out there. He would hang out with Rick Fox and eventually grow his hair out and put it in Gheri Curls so that when he and Fox were out on the town they would look like half brothers or something.

Cali's version of knowledgeable football fans would be wondering why Palmer hadn't graduated from USC yet (If I lived out there I would probably have a tough time caring about sports that didn't involve the Laker Girls too). Chris Henry running buck fucking wild wherever he wanted while wearing his own jersey. I could see Henry running a small to midsize dope growing/dealing operation while also flipping stolen cars. Chris Henry would probably overnight become one of the richest, most legitimate businessmen in the whole state.

Bobbie Williams would retire immediatley and start acting. He would quickly become the go to oversized black guy that has three or four good scenes before moving into leading man roles. Five years down the road he would win an Oscar for his portrayal of Penguin in the final Batman movie before OD'ing on too many Ham Sandwiches in a 30 second span.