Your Blogging Staff

Contributing to this blog:
- "Dave" is Dave Barry, who is a humor columnist and presidential contender.
- "judi" is Judi Smith, who is Dave's Research Department, as well as being interested in men.
- "Walter" is Walter, a bone from the penis of a walrus.

September 29, 2009

ADVISORY

I'm going to be busy for the next week or so, because -- to name one item on the agenda -- my son is getting married. I'm very happy about this, because he's marrying a wonderful woman. But still, my son is getting married. Andhe is six years old.

In my mind, anyway. You parents know how it is. In fact he's a grown man, and a fine one, too. But my point is, blogging from me will be sporadic. I hope you folks can get through this difficult period. If not, you definitely need to increase those dosages.

Whooo-Hooo!!!! Congrats to your son and his bride, Dave! Of course, that means judi will be posting a bunch of items involving half-naked men and kilts on the blog for the next week or so, but I'll check back in when you get back...

Jeff, we would probably think it would be cool but Dave's son and new bride may think otherwise. I hope everyone realizes what this could mean. Dave might be a Grandfather in the next year or so! Many happy wishes to the entire Barry family. May your joys be many and your troubles be few. (Judi I'll go through my archives and send some good kilt pictures for the next week or so.)

Dave Barry, We are honored and grateful that you have almost invited us to your son 's wedding... on the day of your son's wedding. And I hope their first child will be a masculine child. We here pledge our never-ending loyalty. And bacon.

observe their splendor
their hang time
nudge them upright
and pad the walls
lest they break or sprain
hurtling like missiles
stones from a sling yet
lighter than cedar
light a candle
when they retire
sort out the morrow
in providence' sight
illuminated by
humility's rainbow
comforted by
his measured hand

Is Sophie going to be a bridesmaid?
Will there be stephanotis and peau de soie involved?
Will you be tying empty Spam cans to the Wienermobile (or is that a crime against nature?)
Above all, did the bride purchase and lug around the required tonnage of 'your most special day' bridal magazines for so many months that she's developed a permanent curvature of the spine? Cuz if she didn't, I'm not sure the wedding is legal.

In any event, CONGRATULATIONS to Rob and the whole Barry clan, and many years of happiness and *snorks* to all!

Wouldn't it be cool if something weird happened at the reception, like a car driven by an elderly man with a Florida's drivers' license, a combover, and a limp landed in the pool, or a posse of anxious badgers chased a flock of escaped poultry across the dance floor during the chicken dance, and the whole thing ended up in the newspaper, and Siouxie sent the story in to the blog, and it got posted?

I've been thinking about this sporadic blogging thing. What, in fact, does the groom's father really have to do with the build-up to the wedding, which actually starts sometime in the bride's mother's first trimester?

Aren't the minute details - right down to the vapor swirl patterns from the ice sculpture - planned, counter-planned, and re-planned by the bride and the bride's mom?

Isn't, according to tradition, all the advance heavy-duty check-writing handled by the bride's dad?

Isn't the groom's dad's role, in essence, to monitor the groom's sobriety and possible escape routes, look sharp, not trip over the photographer's equipment carrying cases, stand where the photographer tells him to every thirty eight seconds, and, at some affairs, oversee the collection of weapons at the door?

In other words, what, except on the actual night before and day of the affair, is there for the groom's dad to be sporadic about, blog-wise speaking?

As a father of two presumed future brides, who harbors no worries whatsoever about such occasions nor any resentment over the snickering and eyerolling that the putative grooms' families will get to enjoy as my life savings depletion unfolds, I'm just sayin'.

At my wedding, my father spent the preceding days preparing a reception speech that included all my awkward and embarrassing events from 4 to 18 years of age. If I can give any advice to Rob: KEEP THE PEN AWAY FROM DAVE (AND PAPER)

Meanie, in case you haven't noticed, this is man's style. He excels in expanding a single task into an extended period of puffery. Most of it is squawking about the task and building it into a dramatic event.
For example:
1.BBQ
2.Putting
3.
4.Batting
5.Cleaning the garage

I'd sure like to discuss this with you in greater detail, Annie, but my garage is an intolerable mess, and I just can't see how I'm ever going to get it taken care of unless I devote some time to assembling those grill parts that have been spread out all over it since my realization that I don't have the special power lug adaptor for the ignition coil, which only comes with the 300-horsepower cordless master drill and foundation blasting kit.

Congratulations on the impending grandfatherhood! The nice thing about that, so I hear, is that you get to get the grandkids all hopped up on sugar, and then hand them back to Dad.

BTW, did Mrs. Blog, or any other female relatives, ever his him with the Mother's Curse (the way Siouxie and Annie I'm sure never Cursed their kids): "Someday you're gonna have kids, and they're gonna be Just. Like. You!

Meanie, the true role of the dad is to lecture the groom , and bride's dad, on every grill part both in and out of the garage,the proper installation method of the power lug adaptor for the ignition coil, the 300-horsepower cordless master drill and foundation blasting kit, the history and comparison ofzzzzzzzzz.........

Petition for the weinermobile!!!! The poor wedding guests need a disturbance distraction.