∙ Are you passive-aggressive? When you're upset with someone close to you, but with whom you don't necessarily have regular contact, are you likely to tell them what's bothering you?

I don't think I am, as I tend to communicate what is on my mind if it is bothering me enough, but maybe some would think that the words I use aren't as direct as they could be, thus would equate that to passive-aggressive.

If I'm actually upset about something, I can't not talk about it. I need to bring it up, if only because selfishly it relieves myself of keeping it in and letting it fester, and I'd rather get rid of any negative feelings residing within me as soon as possible. Plus I don't really see the point of keeping it in, as it doesn't do anything to make things better or resolve the situation, nor does it let the other person know what's going on with me.

∙ If you think someone is upset with you, how do you usually react? Would you initiate contact to ask what (if anything) is wrong, or wait for the other party to come to you if there's a problem? How often do you assume there's a problem but it turns out to be nothing?

I'll ask if there's something wrong.

I do tend towards paranoia at times, and read too much into things or think something's about me when in reality it's nothing to do with me and it's just other stuff in the persons' life... so because I'm aware of this tendency I sometimes hold back just to wait it out a bit to make sure I'm not just being crazed.

∙ If you were to abruptly stop corresponding with someone, what would be the most likely reason(s) for that?

Hmm... I don't know that there's ever been an abrupt stop for me. Usually it's gradual, if the relationship isn't deepening or we're heading in different directions. And, I'm one who hates lack of closure, so I'll actually explain to the person why I am not seeing things going anywhere, so that they're not just left hanging in the dark.

∙ Which bothers you more, people who are too clingy and personal or people who are too detached and indifferent?

Ah, tough. My initial response before really thinking about it was that people who are clingy bother me more. But, in my close relationships, I do need to know that the person values having me in their life and values the relationship, so I don't think I could deal with total detachment. Perhaps the distinction is that I am more ok with, and prefer people who are more detached/indifferent to most things/ideas/people, but who with a select few move out of that zone. Whereas people who are generally, as a rule, more clingy, bother me more.

∙ If someone accidentally did something to upset you, what would be a good way for the person to make amends?

Oh, just talk about it and explain why you did what you did and what the motivation/intent was behind it. I think I'm pretty darn forgiving and see other perspectives pretty easily... too easily at times.

"...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

∙ Are you passive-aggressive? When you're upset with someone close to you, but with whom you don't necessarily have regular contact, are you likely to tell them what's bothering you?

Not passive-aggressive, no. I'm quiet. But definitely not in a pouting sort of way.

To explain, I end up feeling like I should deal with things on my end, rather than even bring them up for discussion. I take people as they are, and I default toward feeling as though I shouldn't disturb their habits. It's pretty hard for me to bring things up.

Those I'm not in contact with aren't likely to be close to me, and/or I'm not likely to have any issue with them or any issues that'd otherwise concern them at all.

∙ If you think someone is upset with you, how do you usually react? Would you initiate contact to ask what (if anything) is wrong, or wait for the other party to come to you if there's a problem? How often do you assume there's a problem but it turns out to be nothing?

I definitely initiate contact. I typically don't ask outright, unless the situation warrants it, but I steer the conversation in that direction. I try to let them know that it's okay to bring their issues to me, and I also try to get in the least defensive mindset possible.

I often assume that interpersonal problems are worse than they are--or at least treat them like they're bad problems so that I'm prepared for the worst.

∙ If you were to abruptly stop corresponding with someone, what would be the most likely reason(s) for that?

They got on my last nerve.

It's happened.. three times, maybe.

∙ Which bothers you more, people who are too clingy and personal or people who are too detached and indifferent?

People who are too clingy, definitely. In my experience, it leads to control, which I absolutely abhor.

Also, I tend to want my own space. I appreciate people who can give that to me.

∙ If someone accidentally did something to upset you, what would be a good way for the person to make amends?

I kind of want to know that they care enough to try to understand my perspective, because I end up giving all of my effort to trying to understand theirs.

Once they've ensured me that they care, I pretty much reach out to them with full force.

Are you passive-aggressive? When you're upset with someone close to you, but with whom you don't necessarily have regular contact, are you likely to tell them what's bothering you?

I usually don't say what's bothering me, because whatever happened is a symptom of a bigger pattern. So it's like if you hammer down one peg, another pops up. I try to just get to know the person, which takes time. I try to give the benefit of the doubt until I have made up my mind whether this is something I can bear or something I just can't. But for example, if the person has a habit of making rude remarks that hurt my feelings, there's no point in saying "the thing you said yesterday hurt my feelings" because the other person will understand something like "I shouldn't say the thing I said yesterday," or "I shouldn't talk to Tilty about that subject," and that doesn't really address the issue. I generally find it useless to try to change people, and I'm not even sure it's my right to try. I feel like if I can't appreciate them as they are, I don't have the right to change them. Maybe better if they find someone who can appreciate them as they are. It is easier for me to adapt than it is for me to try to change people.

So if something's upsetting me, I usually let it ride. This is one reason I don't live with anyone, though. I have to be able to get away from people or the relationship usually doesn't survive.

I'm insanely passive-aggressive, unfortunately, but I feel it only starts if I feel the other person is running a head game on me. If I can't get away from them, I will head game them back, and some of that includes passive-aggressiveness.

If you think someone is upset with you, how do you usually react?

I watch them and try to figure out for myself what's going on. If I can't figure it out, I try to forget it. If I can't forget it, I'll ask, IF I feel pretty sure of getting a worthwhile answer. That's rare.

How often do you assume there's a problem but it turns out to be nothing?

I never really believe that nothing's wrong. I believe people want me to believe there was no problem, and I go along, but privately, I think that if I sensed a problem, there was one. Just not one they want to discuss. Which is fine.

If you were to abruptly stop corresponding with someone, what would be the most likely reason(s) for that?

Could be a few things: boredom, or a big clash of values on major issues

Which bothers you more, people who are too clingy and personal or people who are too detached and indifferent?

Too clingy.
Although for someone who is supposed to be attached to me, if they're overly indifferent, I don't like it and will usually initiate contact until I have a level that satisfies me, if they are willing to give it.

If someone accidentally did something to upset you, what would be a good way for the person to make amends?

Grovel and cry.
Make a joke if you're witty. I can sometimes be laughed out of things.

∙ Are you passive-aggressive? When you're upset with someone close to you, but with whom you don't necessarily have regular contact, are you likely to tell them what's bothering you?

I can be passive-aggressive, but it's really checking my anger at the door. I get like this when I'm pretty certain someone is testing me or trying to get a reaction out of me. Passive aggressiveness is a step up from flat-out ignoring the person. Next step is very nasty displays of anger and I don't like getting that way, for my sake and and the other person's sake.

Anyone I know on the close-yet-not-regular-contact level...hmm. I never am upset with these people. No answer there...

I∙ If you think someone is upset with you, how do you usually react? Would you initiate contact to ask what (if anything) is wrong, or wait for the other party to come to you if there's a problem? How often do you assume there's a problem but it turns out to be nothing?

I wait for the person to come to me. I guess because I don't like being harrassed when I'm upset, as I'm liable to say the first nasty thing that comes to my head and I'd rather think everything through first.

My husband (ENFP) wants me to harrass him for information, though he really has no problem sharing what's on his mind.

***oh and problem-assuming..maybe 50% of the time. But then there's always some weird scenario running through my head of how i could have put my foot in my mouth or offended someone with overactive Fe.

∙ If you were to abruptly stop corresponding with someone, what would be the most likely reason(s) for that?

The person was flat-out wrong, and no matter what angle I look at it, I still can't see a positive reason for the person doing whatever was done. Doesn't happen often... actually only once in my life.

∙ Which bothers you more, people who are too clingy and personal or people who are too detached and indifferent?

Clingy and personal. I'm always suspicious of these type of people, but it does have to do with my past.

∙ If someone accidentally did something to upset you, what would be a good way for the person to make amends?

Acknowledgement and apology is enough. How was the person to know...

Thanks for any help you can offer.

You're welcome.

Last edited by Quay; 09-08-2010 at 09:48 AM.
Reason: left out an answer

Dear burymecloser, you are always so receptive, its a pleasure to answer your questions.

∙ Are you passive-aggressive? When you're upset with someone close to you, but with whom you don't necessarily have regular contact, are you likely to tell them what's bothering you?

I don't want to be. Do you know what is my first association with passive aggressive? This website. And I find that repulsive. I would hate to act that way. But I can admit that I am more likely to behave in a passive aggressive manner than many others. I am generally just a passive person. I am not easily riled, and even if I get that way it that doesn't necessarily mean I will act aggressively. At times it is just a matter of letting aggressive feelings subside and contemplating what is behind them, why things upset me. For me anger is a function of being hurt. I know others who seem to toggle between being happy and being angry. For me it would be more about being happy or being hurt. I suppose thats tied into my sense of justice, too. It is upsetting to me when people are treated wrongly because they are quiet or don't lash out in anger or aggressively demand things. (This doesn't translate into weaker necessarily always being right in my view). So when I think something is unjust or if someone is being treated unfairly I am much more likely to be aggressive in their defense. But if it is about me and I am angry I will remain calm, the anger will recede into hurt and I am more likely to just let that be and act passively. This is why I am not always my best advocate.

If I was upset with someone close, with whom I am not in regular contact, then, sadly, yes, there is a good chance I would not let them know what was bothering me. It depends on the offense, obviously. I might give it time and then explain to them in a heartfelt way what upset me. I really try to see their side of it. Hopefully anyone I am close to wouldn't have meant to be malicious to me. I try to keep it in mind that surely they care about my feelings. Therefore, I try to be sincere, friends really do want (and deserve) to know my inner feelings, and it is in no ones interest to conceal them. I am trying to be more open (-making progress ). It is my practice to speak honestly about what hurts me, instead of snarling and lashing out in anger. I find its more productive to reaching understanding because typically it gets to the heart of the conflict. It takes a really cold person to hear that and still pile on. But they can and thats why I can be somewhat vulnerable.

∙ If you think someone is upset with you, how do you usually react? Would you initiate contact to ask what (if anything) is wrong, or wait for the other party to come to you if there's a problem? How often do you assume there's a problem but it turns out to be nothing?

I find myself very aware and susceptible, unfortunately(?), to people's moods which they transmit through their demeanor. But I don't want to presume to know what people think or feel, because nobody likes that really. It isn't fair. So, I approach. But with concern, not hostility. And I don't press too hard because that has so much of an opposite effect. People open up to me at their own time and I respect that, because I do things at my own pace, too. I usually am correct when I sense someone is upset, but sometimes it turns out to be based in something I couldn't have known, which is further evidence not to assume to know their mind.

∙ If you were to abruptly stop corresponding with someone, what would be the most likely reason(s) for that?

I'm imagining a scenario like this and I want to say it would be because someone has run over my sensitivities which I told them about in more than one way, more than once. I know I am subtle, so when I come out and state something boldly it is pretty important to me. And if someone wasn't picking up on that it our limited interactions and kept offending me, I honestly could see myself just suspending the interaction. Hopefully not forever. I am speaking for myself here, and yes I see the problems with my approach. This scenario hasn't happened to me, its just something I imagined to fit your description.

∙ Which bothers you more, people who are too clingy and personal or people who are too detached and indifferent?

I am pretty private. So, I want to say the former for casual relationships. I especially hate prying if it is done out of a desire to get-the-gossip or to find information to use against me later. But for non-malicious people I totally understand that some people are just warm and intimate early on and some of them get really attached to me, and thats beautiful, I should be thankful for that. I am thankful for them.

And of course I am accepting of the detached and indifferent people out there, too. But in the realm of love it gets trickier, because if I am in love with you a stoic act can really hurt my feelings. The detached and indifferent can be very alluring to me, but if they cannot let themselves be loved or love (perhaps out of habit or fear or something) I can take that very personally. Sometimes they aren't inclined (able?) to communicate about it, either. I take that as a personal failing and its hard. Its been hard.

∙ If someone accidentally did something to upset you, what would be a good way for the person to make amends?

Make amends by active listening and heartfelt apology. Make me feel like its safe for me to express that with you without their being a resulting seismic shift that spoils everything. Honestly, after doing that you may hear me apologize to you! Don't give up on me if I seem broody. Ask me to decode my subtle messages if they confound you. Try to make things light.

If you think someone is upset with you, how do you usually react? Would you initiate contact to ask what (if anything) is wrong, or wait for the other party to come to you if there's a problem? How often do you assume there's a problem but it turns out to be nothing?

I usually feel quite guilty or that weird tingly feeling like I am dreaming as in a bad feeling, I think its just anxiety that I did something wrong. If I do figure out what I did wrong I will typically apologize, if I dont know what I did I will beat around the bush and try to figure it out. If I dont feel what I did was wrong and they do, I will fight for my position or ignore them, unless they emotionally plead with me, then I usually give in and sweep it under the carpet sometimes I have apologized without being wrong just to make the conflict go away, conflict in general is toxic to me though I cant NOT think of it, i become obsessed with fixing it. I am usually able to figure out if there is a problem pretty quick, I know how people act (that I know) I have a deep sense of them and their actions in my mind from devouring them over time... if that changes from what I know of them I know something is up.

∙ If you were to abruptly stop corresponding with someone, what would be the most likely reason(s) for that?

This is a complex question... for all the usual reasons I suppose.

*Theyre bad for me make me feel bad.
*I am afraid of dealing with them
*They betray me
I am ashamed of something I did and I cant face them and its easier to push them away. etc.

∙ Which bothers you more, people who are too clingy and personal or people who are too detached and indifferent?

Detached and Indifferent. I can never stop loving someone for being clingy and personal and needing me, I can never turn my back no matter how irritating that can be and believe me It FRICKIN IRRITATING... but people with no passion in a relationship be it romantic or platonic of familial, I have no use for. I need something to bite into, and people who are completely detached, well, thats bad for me because I like a good challenge and I will bang my heart against their walls for a long time before I feel utterly broken and disgusted with them.

∙ If someone accidentally did something to upset you, what would be a good way for the person to make amends?

Well, 1st of all it depends on what the something was... you dont accidentally fuck someone behind my back or accidentally murder my family member... some things are not forgivable. But barring those kinds of extremes,

1. Own it.
2. Apologize for it.
3. Be sincere.

the rest would be up to me, and most of the time if you are being sincere and genuine in your remorse, thats all I need to feel like I can let you back in.

∙ Are you passive-aggressive? When you're upset with someone close to you, but with whom you don't necessarily have regular contact, are you likely to tell them what's bothering you?

I'm more closed than passive-aggressive, I feel. I'm likely to deal with issues myself without engaging others as to them, unless I'm paranoid that there's been an actual breakdown on my part there. As to the other, I'm more likely to wait to see if they figure it out themselves… see the passive aggression I guess. I dislike forcing the issue with people - I kinda prefer the situation to just resolve.

∙ If you think someone is upset with you, how do you usually react? Would you initiate contact to ask what (if anything) is wrong, or wait for the other party to come to you if there's a problem? How often do you assume there's a problem but it turns out to be nothing?

Generally I find myself running through the situation in my mind, often finding fault with myself where there probably isn't any. Depending on the person, I will often make contact to ask if something's wrong - I'll often be a bit paranoid that something is wrong when it isn't. More often than not, if I'm brutally honest with myself. I'll often tap-dance around the issue itself, but I won't just let it go.

∙ If you were to abruptly stop corresponding with someone, what would be the most likely reason(s) for that?

Two reasons I suppose, one is that I simply disconnect from the person, or if they overwhelm me completely. The disconnect would normally be just falling out of touch, with no real reasoning behind it other then it happening - and I hate it when it does happen because it feels incomplete, and closure is kinda necessary. If I'm overwhelmed I'm more likely to temporarily break contact - this has happened with some friends, mostly - in order to, 'take a break', kinda like a discharged battery. Some people are just slowly tiring, but I would rarely ever completely break contact as the relationship is generally too valuable to take away completely.

∙ Which bothers you more, people who are too clingy and personal or people who are too detached and indifferent?

I'd rather have clingy/personal over detached indifferent in almost any relationship I can consider. In an actual mate/lover relationship detached or indifference is very disturbing to me - and even is so in a friendship. It drives me back into paranoia about what errors or mistakes I may have made. :S

∙ If someone accidentally did something to upset you, what would be a good way for the person to make amends?

Be open and honest about it and just talk with me about it. I forgive, but I don't just forgive blindly.

-A

"any good that I may do here, let me do now, for I may not pass this way again"

i agree with vasilisa about being a generally passive person. as an e5 and a male and an sx/sp, i am more likely to avoid sad/hurt and immediately transfer it into more of an anger response. but my inability to immediately cathartically act and cleanse myself of my feelings allows them to stew and burn me the fuck out. so i just get tired, avoidant, stressed, irritable, and the feeling that i transferred into anger takes the same toll on me or worse but without me gleaning the insight i would gain from actually experiencing my feeling in its fullest, truest form. i'm getting better at this.

the key for infjs with some e5 action-stutter issues involves maintaining a sense of capability so the world doesn't make you feel like you're starting to crumble and implode under the pressure imbalance between the world and your interior. conflict is a huge stressor, and the kind of unswerving need for belief and purpose gets magnified by the the desire for truth and truest context for e5 infj types. once the pressure starts reacting wildly and emotional instability becomes more and more exaggerated, the sense of self becomes more flailing and hysterical and the SEARCH feature finds/reveals negativities of a more bizarre, hallucinatory nature.

along with having some passive aggressive tendencies, i think, the worst thing i do socially or intimately with others when i start darkening/clouding is my overreactive fear-mongering hallucinations prompt me to take a kind of "prove it" attitude that is mostly unhelpful. because we close off once we feel that we might implode, the inability to truly hear others means that we are on our own and have to come out of it on our own. those who show that they obviously want to help us out of it earn a life-time kind of trust that we don't forget, especially if we improve and begin to see that much of the previous "mistake" on the part of the other had more to do with our own ego-sensitive trip-wire identifying-with-values-that-protected-us rather than an inherent flaw in someone else. i think, on average, the female infj population is a bit more well-adjusted, and definitely more well-adjusted at a younger age.

by hallucinations i mean inaccurate representations that construct a kind of interrelated attitude constellation rather than those that are based on truly listening, that allow in the whole prism of colors and allow us to see in a truer context. fixation on threats, negative consequences, sources of shame, ugliness, etc.

Thanks again to everyone who replied in this thread. I remain sort of taken aback by the detailed, thoughtful answers, and I sincerely appreciate them.

Several people have asked me to follow up on the OP. It's hard to really do that, since I was just asking questions, so I hope this satisfies your curiosity: my OP was prompted partially by someone with whom I email regularly, and whom I hadn't heard from in a while. I sent another message, just normal stuff with a brief note at the beginning that I hoped everything was ok. It turns out a crisis-related work project was the cause of the delay. Everything is cool between us. Sorry if that's a boring ending. I'll try to make up something more interesting, and maybe post it later.

The answers you provided definitely help me understand, or at least begin to understand, more about my relationships with INFJs, this one in particular. Every time I've checked the replies to this thread, I've been struck by them, and for those who asked, yes, I've found them very helpful. You're all invited to my house for a drink.

I continue to be interested in your replies, if anyone wants to elaborate or add a contribution. I do have a follow-up for anyone who's interested:

Originally Posted by Vasilisa

For me anger is a function of being hurt. I know others who seem to toggle between being happy and being angry. For me it would be more about being happy or being hurt. I suppose thats tied into my sense of justice, too. It is upsetting to me when people are treated wrongly because they are quiet or don't lash out in anger or aggressively demand things. (This doesn't translate into weaker necessarily always being right in my view). So when I think something is unjust or if someone is being treated unfairly I am much more likely to be aggressive in their defense. But if it is about me and I am angry I will remain calm, the anger will recede into hurt and I am more likely to just let that be and act passively. This is why I am not always my best advocate.

This caught my attention, definitely seems familiar. Can others identify with that sentiment as well?