Somerville, MA - (May 9) -
A 5-year study, recently completed by researchers at the
Massachusetts Institute of Technology in Cambridge,
Massachusetts, has proven conclusively that what most
manufacturers refer to as "insignificant bugs" in such
hi-tech products as microprocessors and computer
software, are, in reality, already beginning to take a
noticeable and serious toll on, well, reality.

"Glitches in human cognition are also starting to
appear," said Rebecca Firestone, an associative
professor in the MIT Department of
Neuro-Cogno-Blah-Blah, and director of the study. "But
it's still unclear whether these are a direct
result of, say, all the bugs in the Intel Pentium, or
whether they're just the indirect result of the
impact on cognition of a reality whose structure and
soul has been so thoroughly distorted and mangled by,
say, the effect of all those creepy, crappy, slow,
cumbersome, bug-ridden Microsoft Operating systems and
motherfucking pieces of applications software."

"These fucking bugs," said Professor Rebecca Kramer, a
consultant to the task force or whatever, "Are slowly,
steadily, unrelentingly, turning us into a mere
simulation of a people, where the least emotional hurt
can become a starving, plague-ridden, war-infested
nation where endless novels and songs and CD-ROMs of
suffering are produced -- each, Number 1 with a bigger
bullet than the last, yet not one purchased copy is ever
read, or listened to, or watched, let alone removed from
its fucking shrinkwrap."

Though sources at Intel and Microsoft were quick to
admit that bugs and security holes and inefficiencies do
exist in their products, a researcher at Intel was also
quick to point out that "Whether by nature or by
nurture, it turns out that the bugs in the hardware,
just perfectly absolutely happen to perfectly absolutely
balance out all the bugs and flaws and stupidities in
the software, so that, in the end, the net effect of all
our fuckups is absolutely ZERO. Much like everything
else. So why fucking bother?"

A source at Microsoft was quick to interject that what
this meant simply, in a nutshell, was that "Everything
sucks not because of US, but because of YOU. YOU YOU
YOU! Get it?"