This morning, I was studying in Matthew Chapter 9, a man approaches Jesus and he says in verse 18, “My daughter is even now dead; but come and lay they hand upon her, and she shall live.”

It made me think of my soon-to-be-ex-huband who has filed for divorce and made no effort to be reunited with his family. I knelt down and I prayed, “God, my husband is even now dead: but come and lay thy hand upon him, and he shall live.”

At this point, I feel like he has died spiritually and physically in my life, since I no longer interact with him in any way. My greatest desire is to have my husband be whole and be home. Because I’m in this state of sadness and grief because of my husband’s spiritual death and removal from our family, the next verses 20-22 really help me.

“Behold, a woman, which was diseased with an issue of blood twelve years, came behind him, and touched the hem of his garment: For she said within herself, If I may but touch his garment, I shall be whole. But Jesus turned him about, and when he saw her, he said, Daughter, be of good comfort; they faith hath made thee whole. And the woman was made whole from that hour.”

So I think of those two scriptures, back to back. It is unlikely that my husband will allow himself to be healed due to his current mindset. I have no idea. But I am seeking healing, so I can be healed.

I can be made whole from the pain and trauma I’ve been experiencing by touching the hem of Christ’s garment.

As I prayed this morning, I had an incredible peace come over me. It was comforting and warm. The feeling I had was all will be well. I will keep you safe.

Admitting Life Is Unmanageable Is The Foundation For Healing

Admitting our life is completely unmanageable can help us find peace. For many of us, admitting this seems like giving up. Or the powerlessness of our situation seems to increase the trauma.

I was single for a long time, didn’t get married until I was 30. And during my single years, I would date people and it wouldn’t work out, and I had an image in my mind that I was in drowning on a stormy sea. The water was extremely choppy, splashing in my face, and I could barely keep my head above water. I could see God in a boat, far away from me, and He had thrown in a donut shaped life preserver. The life preserver was attached to a rope, and He held the rope.

Every time, I reached out to grab the life preserver, God would pull it away, out of my reach. My head would go under water, and I’d come up again gasping, again, trying to grab it. He would again pull it away. I could never reach safety.

Self Care Is Essential To Heal

One of my character defects is OCD. I have a hard time being present when it hits because my mind can’t let go of my worries and get distracted by my thoughts. My coach suggested to me that I wasn’t working good recovery.

So I took a break from BTR and I fasted from the internet for three days to get back on track, and get God in my center. My soon-to-be-ex-husband had recently posted a post about me on Facebook, gaslighting everyone, saying that I was the cause of the divorce. I needed to get God back in my center.

My coach suggested that I write down all the things in my life that are unmanageable. It was quite the list: my housework, my children’s behavior, my hair, working out, eating vegetables – what wasn’t unmanageable!

At the top of the list was the consequences of my husband’s abusive behaviors and his choices. After I talked with my sponsor about how my life is unmanageable, I meditated about the image of me drowning and God being in my life – seeing him, seeing him sort of help me, but that I can’t really get the help I need.

I asked God, why do I feel this way?

The thought came to me that the reason the water was so choppy was from my own flailing about, from my kicking. The reason the water seemed to be attacking me, was that I was attacking the water. And every time I desperately tried to reach the life preserver, my own movements pushed it farther away from me.

I got the impression to stop moving and float on my back. When I did, the scene panned out and I saw myself resting quietly on the water. The life preserver floated near enough to me for me to easily grab it, but I didn’t need to. And then I saw that I was surrounded by life preservers, and surrounded by boats. Angels were in the boats, just waiting to help me. Christ was there. I had all the help I needed.

God said, “I’ve given you this water to support you, and the air to breath. I’ve given you everything you need.”

My Recovery From Narcissistic Abuse

I’ve been regretting my thrashing around and my lack of trust. When my life became unmanageable, that’s what I did. I didn’t know what to do, I just wanted to save my family.

God is telling me to relax and He will take care of me and He will provide for me. I’m a lot like the children of Israel. God split the Red Sea for me, and I walked to safety on dry ground, and then I started complaining. Instead of finding peace in gratitude and trusting, I started thrashing about. But I’m learning to live one day at a time, and trust the daily manna God is sending me to take care of my three children.

I have faith that God can heal me.

I’m grateful to God for telling me to start this podcast, all the volunteers that work with me here at BTR.

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5 Comments

Patty Huckstadt on March 13, 2018 at 2:16 pm

Thank-you for sharing this, Ann. It really resonates with me. I am a Christ Follower/Christian, and I have to keep reminding myself that I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13.

I have actually experienced , in my own life, on more than one occasion,what your story teaches…….let go and let God! It’s true! Once I finally reach the point where I cry out, “God, I can’t take this anymore,” that peace that passes all understanding begins to wash over my soul.

One of my favorite hymns is “Be Still my Soul.” It begins with these words; “Be Still my Soul, the Lord is on your side….” Perhaps you know this hymn. If not, I urge you to Google it; the lyrics are so amazingly comforting.

Thank you Anne for sharing this. It helped me to realize that I need to remember to relax and know that the healing will come. God is giving me everything I need, I love the part about floating and relaxing and not pushing God away with all my thrashing. Thank you so much for that. I’m learning how to relax again. I’ve gotten my guitar out and begun to play again. I’m remembering there were things I liked to do. I’m getting creative again. I’m remaking my life with the things that make me me! It’s a process and I’m Grateful for it. Some things you can see in no other way. I may not have realized how much of myself I lost over the years of dealing with his addiction had it not all come to a screeching halt. I’m Grateful for the lessons I have learned and the Truth I now see. It’s a difficult journey. He is 3 months sober today but still out of the house going on 6 months now. I’m not willing to go back to the life we had or anything resembling it. Recovery is possible and I’m holding out for a life of recovery that I’ll live with or without him.