Leech

Sucking the blood of popular entertainment

Skulking in an underground bunker, monitoring Chinese satellites and decoding Tom and Katie’s wedding vows in all known languages and intergalactic dialects for clandestine instructions to destroy Hollywood, the Leech has little time for conspiracy theories. Whether it’s Pope John Paul II on theology, Albert Camus on philosophy or Andy Goram on fidelity, the Leech always obtains the inside story from trusted goalkeeping sources. And as David Icke so rationally outlines in his seven hour spit-fleck, Freedom or Fascism: The Time To Choose, the war on terror is a massive political and media conspiracy, the masterminds of which are giant salamanders and Simon Cowell.

Pre-eminent among these cold-blooded media bastards is Rupert Murdoch, hell-bent on persecuting the Leech personally. Decades of couch potatoery have saddled your correspondent with oddly misshapen buttocks and an insatiable appetite for quality American drama. But Channel 4 and 5’s constant import of superior cop shows and loose-lipped Manhattan sluts has forced the Leech to cry ‘Enough!’, resolving to simply follow select series like The West Wing, 24 or Lost. Except that right at the moment the Leech is beginning to see Charlie and Dr Jack rather than a hobbit and that sap from Party of Five, Murdoch steals them for Sky, leaving the Leech to transfer half-arsed affection to CSI: Nantucket or some courtroom toss with William Shatner.

Now, Murdoch has blocked a Fox network interview with the Leech’s favourite free-moving sociopath, OJ Simpson, entitled If I Did It, Here’s How It Happened. This is all the more surprising, given that Rupe rarely lets morality impinge on ratings and the shadowy assassin buck is huge right now. The Bond marketing team set the standard with the poisoning of an ex-KGB spy and the fingering of President Putin, presumably by pointing Alexander Litvinenko in the direction of a Hackney greasy spoon. And having clicked onto Casino Royale’s clunking product placement, MI5 head Dame Eliza Manningham-Butler delivered a public speech that was part recruitment drive, part al Qaeda tip-off on just how many terrorist suspects they’re actively pursuing - 1600 incidentally.

Meanwhile, Newsnight is trumpeting evidence claiming the CIA orchestrated Robert Kennedy’s assassination, just in time for the cinema release of Emilio Estevez’s Bobby. And Scotland Yard, the same Scotland Yard who recently had their laptops stolen, published a computer photofit of Jack the Ripper, revealing Lord Lucan has significantly more to answer for than we imagined.