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Way back when I was just a little bitty boy Living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement of the house Half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shopYou know the placeWell, anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy!

Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morningMy mother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast

I said to my momI said, "Hey, mom, what's up with all the sauerkraut?"And my dear, sweet motherShe just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming trainAnd she leaned right down next to meAnd she said, "It's good for you!"And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouthAnd force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty six and a half years old

That's when I swore that somedaySomeday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away placeWhere the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beerAnd the towels are oh so fluffyWhere the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day longAnd anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel

Wacka wacka doodoo yeah!

Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came trueBecause the very next day, a local radio station had this contestTo see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's buttI was off by three, but I still won the grand prizeThat's right, a first class one-way ticket to

AlbuquerqueAlbuquerque

Oh yeahYou know, I'd never been on a real airplane beforeAnd I gotta tell ya, it was really greatExcept that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odorAnd the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole timeThe flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanutsAnd the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly ShoreAnd, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned outAnd we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillsideAnd the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody diedExcept for meYou know why?

'Cause I had my tray table upAnd my seat back in the full upright positionHad my tray table upAnd my seat back in the full upright positionHad my tray table upAnd my seat back in the full upright position

Ah ha ha haAh ha haAhhhh

So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckageI crawled on my hands and knees for three full daysDraggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bagAnd my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ballAnd my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkelBut finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday InnWhere the towels are oh so fluffyAnd you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wannaIt's okay, they're clean!

Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/CAnd I turned on the SpectraVisionAnd I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillowThat I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door

Well now, who could that be?I say, "Who is it?"No answer"Who is it?"There's no answer"WHO IS IT?"They're not sayin' anything

So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspectedIt's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock Of Seagulls haircut and only one nostrilOh man, I hate it when I'm rightSo anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkelAnd I'm like, "Hey, you can't have that!That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me!"And he's like, "Tough."And I'm like, "Give it!"And he's like, "Make me."And I'm like, "'kay!"So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagusAnd I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrowsAnd I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigationYes, indeed, you better believe itAnd somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hookAnd twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voiceAnd you know what it said?I'll tell you what it said

It said"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try againIf you need help, hang up and then dial your operatorIf you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try againIf you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"

In AlbuquerqueAlbuquerque

Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkelBut I made a a solemn vow right then and there that I would not restI would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justiceBut first, I decided to buy some donuts

"NO, we're outta bear claws."I said, "Well, in that case - in that case, what do you have?"He says, "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels"I said, "Okay, I'll take that."

So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump outAnd they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over[rabid gnawing sounds]Oh man, they were just going nutsThey were tearin' me apartYou know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my headI believe it went a little something like this...

I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my faceWavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin'Like a constipated wiener dogAnd as luck would have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreamsHer name was ZeldaShe was a calligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peachesI'll never forget the first thing she said to me.She said, "Hey, you've got weasels on your face."

That's when I knew it was true loveWe were inseparable after thatAw, we ate together, we bathed togetherWe even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental flossThe world was our burritoSo we got married and we bought us a houseAnd had two beautiful children - Nathaniel and SuperflyOh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah

But then one fateful night, Zelda said to meShe said, "Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?"I said, "Whoa, hold on now, baby, I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment!"So we broke up and I never saw her againBut that's just the way things go

In AlbuquerqueAlbuquerque

Anyway, things really started lookin' up for meBecause about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream.That's right, I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler!I even made employee of the month after I put out that grease fire with my faceAw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after thatI was gettin' a lot of attitude

OK, like one time, I was out in the parking lotTryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencilWhen I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himselfSo I, I say to him, I say, "Hey, you want me to help you with that?"And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes,"No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw."

So I did

And then he gets all indignant on meHe's like, "Hey man, I was just being sarcastic!"Well, that's just greatHow was I supposed to know that?I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loudBesides, now he's got a really cute nickname: "Torso-Boy"!So what's he complaining about?

Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdoteThis guy comes up to me on the street and says he hasn't had a bite in three daysWell, I knew what he meantBut just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular veinAnd he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all overAnd I'm like, "Hey, come on, don'tcha get it?"But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming[screaming sounds]You know, just completely missing the irony of the whole situationMan, some people just can't take a joke, you know?

Anyway, um, um, where was I?Kinda lost my train of thought

Uh, well, uh, okayAnyway I, I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying itBut I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is:

I HATE SAUERKRAUT!

That's all I'm really tryin' to sayAnd, by the way, if one day you happen to wake upAnd find yourself in an existential quandryFull of loathing and self-doubtAnd wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existenceAt least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing thatSomewhere out there in this crazy mixed-up old universe of oursThere's still a little place called