7 ways to treat Easter eggs

So it's that time of year again when I get this strange but compelling urge to transform a perfectly fine carton of eggs into an art project.

Much like eating a whole pint of Chubby Hubby in one sitting, what seemed like such fun at first ends up as a bit of a letdown. I'll be standing in the kitchen in front of nine styrofoam cups of color dye with an absurdly ineffective Paas wire egg dipper in hand, wondering why nothing seems as cool as I remembered.

Big Bird never looked so small.

Thankfully, others apparently decided this problem needed solving and developed some marvelously creative alternate dying techniques. A little research yielded some fantastic ideas that I'd like to share with you. If we applied the same level of ingenuity to cancer research that we do to making chicken ovum sparkle, my grandfather would still be alive today.

By the way, I'm drawing the line at anything that involves directly decorating the surface, like puffy paint, glitter, stickers, markers, pipe cleaners or decoupage. There's certainly a place for that, but I prefer to stick to canon, which dictates that eggs must be dyed and not have things applied to them like a second-grade craft project.

The "Oh yeeeeah" Method

Perhaps you really want to celebrate the season but balk at paying a lousy $1.50 for your standard Paas Egg Dying Kit. Just wander down your favorite powdered drink product aisle and pick up a few different colors of Kool-Aid. Or Flavor Aid if you're a real cheap-ass. Easter is egalitarian.

The Earth-Friendly Method

If the thought of applying artificial dyes to your organic eggs gets your hemp panties in a wad, you can instead head to the produce section and spend a good deal of money on dyes that will give them more subdued earth tones, which would look great arranged in your Birkenstocks.

The Patrick Nagel Method

Rubber bands, electrical tape, stickers, your sister's ponytail holders…I have no objection to sticking things to the eggs during the dying process as long as they're removed when it's done. You can get some pretty cool effects this way, which is why even Paas includes a wax crayon in every kit.

The Barbasol Method

This is a new one this year, and pretty ingenious at that. Just swirl some colors in shaving cream, roll the egg in it, and let it sit for a while before wiping it off. I'd probably use human blood, which is what ends up in my shaving cream anyway.

The Grateful Dead Method

Definitely doing this tomorrow. It seems to work equally well with paper towels as with cheesecloth. You and I are going to use paper towels because what the hell is cheesecloth?

The Tie Dyed Method

Not to be confused with the previous post, this beats them all. Major props are in order for whoever came up with this method, because it doesn't even look like it should work. I would do this myself, except my eggs would end up looking incredibly outdated.

This would be a lazy post indeed if I didn't contribute a favorite childhood Easer project of my own to the mix. So once you've dyed your (raw) eggs using your favorite method, it's time to transform them into mini pinatas for your head. Here's how:

1) Blow your eggs hollow. You're not going to learn how to blow anything on this blog, but a quick YouTube search should show you how.

2) Dry them out in the microwave for about 15 seconds.

3) Widen one of the holes to accommodate a small, dry funnel.

4) Fill the egg with paper confetti - the kind that looks like someone went crazy with a hole punch.

5) Seal the large hole with a piece of Scotch tape.

Now load up a basket, run outside with your cache and smash them on your grandmother's skull, just as Jesus once did. Happy Easter, folks.

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