Craige: Cosmo parlays her potty talk

Saturday

Because of popular demand, but with apologies to the squeamish, I will discuss poop today. After all, Cosmo, my female African Grey Parrot, discusses poop every day.

“Poop” was one of the first words she learned.

When she awakens in the morning, Cosmo calls me to her cage: “I’m here! Cosmo wanna poop!” I lift her to the perch on top on her cage, where she poops. Cosmo then declares proudly, “Cosmo poop on paper! Cosmo is a good bird!”

Cosmo is not such a good bird when she walks around the house. Fortunately, I have hardwood floors. If she poops near me, she immediately confesses, “Cosmo poop on floor.” If she poops out of my sight, she mutters to herself, “Cosmo poop.” I hear her, and I hurry to the site with a paper towel and a vinegar-based multi-surface cleanser. As I spray the spot, Cosmo mimics the sound, “Whiss,” and adds, “That’s for Cosmo poop!”

When I pick up the roll of paper towels, Cosmo says, “That’s paper for Cosmo poop.” When I put fresh newspaper on the bottom of a cage, she observes, “That’s paper for Cosmo poop in cage.” But when I extract the soiled newspaper, she says the same thing: “That’s paper for Cosmo poop in cage.” Occasionally, she says, “That’s paper for cage.” Or “That’s paper for poop.”

So Cosmo knows that both the paper towel and the newspaper are dedicated to her poop. That’s good reasoning. She knows that the cleanser is dedicated to her poop. She also knows that I am dedicated to cleaning up her poop.

Cosmo thinks a lot about poop. That’s probably because, like any bird, she poops a lot.

Since parrots metabolize their food much faster than most mammals, parrots usually need to poop every 15-30 minutes.

You may not be surprised that I have become somewhat expert in bird poop. Early on, I learned that birds excrete feces, urates, and urine through the same organ, the “cloaca,” that they also use for mating and egg-laying. By the way, the act of mating is called a “cloacal kiss.”

A parrot’s digestive system may seem strange to us mammals. Food goes from the beak through the esophagus to the crop (or craw), where it is moistened and where it can be temporarily stored. From there it goes into the gizzard, where it is ground up, and on to the small intestine, where the nutrients enter the bloodstream. The waste goes through the large intestine and out through the cloaca. It is odorless.

African Grey Parrots in the wild will not defecate where they roost at night, for their droppings can attract predators. That is why Cosmo asks to get out of her cage as soon as she awakens. She wants to do her morning poop away from where she sleeps.

Some parrot owners claim that they have potty-trained their birds. I was skeptical until I met Dr. Scott Gold, Professor of Plant Pathology at the University of Georgia. Scott is famous, at least locally, for keeping his lovebird Georgio Isreal Gold under his shirt. Georgio, like his predecessor Angelino, poops only when Scott invites him to poop in a suitable location — into a paper napkin, for instance. Wow.

Cosmo is not potty-trained, but she doesn’t poop on me. In the evenings, before I put her into her roost cage to go to sleep, she asks to cuddle. “Betty Jean wanna cuddle?” I do. We cuddle for 15 or 20 minutes. She doesn’t poop until I put her up on her perch. Then she says, “Cosmo wanna poop,” and she poops.

Cosmo has figured out that the word “poop” is funny, especially to young humans. When Cosmo and I visit elementary schools — at their request, of course — I tell the children about Cosmo’s learning to talk. Cosmo listens attentively, because she recognizes many of my words. She knows that I am talking about her.

After a while, she says, “Cosmo wanna poop.” The children laugh. Cosmo repeats the word, this time louder: “Poop!” The children laugh some more. Cosmo laughs, and then says it again, and again: “Poop! Cosmo gonna poop!” Then she poops. The children roar with laughter. So does Cosmo.

• Betty Jean Craige is professor emerita of comparative literature at the University of Georgia and the author of many books, including “Conversations with Cosmo: At Home with an African Grey Parrot” (2010). Her email address is bettyjean@cosmotalks.com. Cosmo’s website is www.cosmotalks.com.

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