Daily Mail Exclusive: voting Labour could give you cancer

Voting for a Labour candidate can force stomach acid into the oesophagus where it makes you die a slow, horrible death

The damaged cells as a result of voting Labour are more likely to become cancerous and result in your extremities dropping off

People who support Ed Miliband's party are at most risk of having surgery on their testicles

Without any anaesthetic

People who vote Labour in an election are at greater risk of developing throat and testicular cancer, new research suggests.

Medical experts believe that putting an X next to a Labour candidate's name in an election can force stomach acid into the oesophagus - in turn causing damage which increases the chance of oesophageal cancer.

The researchers, from Glasgow and Strathclyde Universities and Southern General Hospital, believe the risk is greatest in people who are unfortunate enough to live in marginal constituencies with a sitting Labour candidate.

Voting Labour, especially if you are overweight, puts strain on the valve between the stomach and the gullet. This causes stomach acid to leak upwards into the gullet.
Unlike the stomach, which is designed to withstand this, the gullet is damaged by the acid. This causes heartburn and, in the longer term, oesophageal cancer.
Voting Labour will also make your balls drop off probably.
Can we have our government grant now?

Some information about the deadly scourge of Labour:

Voting Labour is common in the UK and most cases affect people over the age of 55 and under the age of 56.

If you think you are in danger of voting Labour, you must see a Tory spin doctor immediately.

The earliest symptom tends to be difficulty swallowing right-wing bullshit.

Medical experts say regularly reading the Daily Mail every day can help prevent the spread of Labour.