I have a few hopes and dreams for this little blog. Mostly my wish is to make this into a blog about recovery. Because one of the things that I’ve been realizing as of recently is that I have gone through a large number of things (both recently and not-so-recently) and I like the idea of keeping a sort of track of them. Also, I love reading memoirs, and though I am not at the place in my life to write one yet, I want to keep track of things in case I ever do. Also writing a series of blog posts is far less intimidating than coming up with a cohesive narrative of my life. Obvs this will not just be about Deep and Heavy Things, because I spend enough time with my thinky thoughts, I don’t need to preserve all of them.

It’s some growing pains time, I suppose. But I like reflecting, so we’ll see how this goes.

Boy A is The Boy who I thought I was So Freaking In Love With and then he was Less In Love With Me than Previously Assumed and I spent so freaking long getting over him and like. I don’t know. He had his shot okay? I tried really hard and did my best, and now I am done trying with him.

Boy Two is adorable and sweet and probs I am projecting some of his adorable on him, but really, he had never failed to make me feel giggly and happy okay? HE IS THE AGE-APPROPRIATE ADAM. I just want some uncomplicated summer fling. He seems uncomplicated. BONUS: He’s from the MN area, so if he is fling-y, he could be a fling all the way until August.

“Someday you’re gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You’ll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing and you were in the best possible place in the world for it — in a beautiful place of worship, surrounded by grace.”

“But I really loved him.”

“Big deal. So you fell in love with someone. Don’t you see what happened? This guy touched a place in your heart deeper than you thought you wre capable of reaching, I mean you got zapped, kiddo. But that love you felt, that’s just the beginning. you just got a taste of love. That’s just limited little rinky-dink mortal love. Wait till you wee how much more deeply you can love than that. Heck, Groceries — you have the capacity to someday love the whole world. It’s your destiny. Don’t laugh.”

“I’m not laughing.” I was actually crying. “And please don’t laugh at me now, but I think the reason it’s so hard for me to get over this guy is because I seriously believed that David was my soul mate.”

“He probably was. Your problem is you don’t understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. your problem is, you just can’t let this one go. It’s over, Groceries. David’s purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life.”

Eat Pray Love ~ Elizabeth Gilbert

So I thought this book was going to be kind of dumb. It is kind of dumb.

But then there are moments that aren’t so dumb. And like, no, I am not going to run away to Italy or Bali, but if I don’t have any solid post-grad plans, then I am for sure just running away to India. So there.

This is a post about anxiety. Today has been a very anxious day. First off, I didn’t get home “in time” for my dad’s birthday (which is mostly my fault for leaving the Twin Cities his birthday weekend, but also didn’t we hit the age where I’m not ever home for birthdays anymore?) so there was miscommunicated (?) frustration about that. I’m still in the dark, but fortunately for me, I am the queen of denying things that are not Immediately A Problem, so this one is under the bridge.

Secondly, shit Hit The Fan (ish) this weekend regarding a summer flirt. Alcohol and poor decisions were involved and though I feel sort of bad, I also feel like no harm no foul. And then I wonder if casual sex has made me *too* casual about sex, and the implications of that. And then deep down inside I know that if I have to think seriously about such things, I will have to think about The Incident and whether or not it is An Incident and such.

Honestly, I need help. I need so much help, and I do not know how to get it. Because I do not trust my parents to be supportive about anything even remotely regarding mental health, because they have a poor track record of such things. Not intentionally, (because honestly, as I have grown up I have realized that they really do try hard. Sometimes they mess up. That is only human.) So until I am on my own health insurance and can effectively hide this, I need to just keep calm and carry on.

MOSTLY I AM JUST TIRED OF BEING A WHINY CHILD ABOUT THINGS. BUT ALSO LIKE. OBJECTIVELY SPEAKING, I HAVE HAD SOME DIFFICULTIES RECENTLY SO I AM TRYING TO CUT MYSELF SOME SLACK.

Take home message: this too shall pass. It will all be okay. Carry on.

SO, my big excitement of the day (aside from the fact that today was my LAST Child Development class ever in Denmark) is that I’m going to try my hand at cooking bulgur tonight. I bought it forever ago at the grocery store, Netto, and totally forgot about it. Well, I only have two weeks left here, so it’s time to start using up some of the grains that have been chilling in my cupboard or fridge.

Other than that, I just finished a three mile run (outside!). It was super windy, so I ended up run/walking it. It’s always way hillier in Hvidovre than it is on a treadmill (shocking), so it was a slow run. But I got my butt outside and did it, which is a huge accomplishment.

Hopefully I’ll be able to continue running fairly frequently through the weekend, and then by next week, it’s exercise until I drop time! Have to get in shape before I go back to the US :)

So, here’s the thing. I like challenges. I might even go so far as to say that I love challenges. I like doing things that people tell me are impossible for me. Probably I just like proving people wrong because I’m a biyotch like that. WELL. I’ve found a spectacular new challenge; one that even I am very a little nervous about.

Running 100 miles? Crazy. Running 100 miles in the course of one month? I don’t think I’ve run 100 miles in my entire life. But if Smith College has taught me nothing else, it has taught me that I have this amazing ability to pull of the insane. So here goes.

Ran 5k at 7:41 km/hr or ~40 minutes. On the treadmill. Doesn’t sound like much, but running for any time on the treadmill is a mental workout for me. Heck, RUNNING is a mental workout for me. I’m sore and exhausting, but hopefully that means going to bed early tonight.

It’s that time of week again. The time where I sit in the library for 5 hours and pretend like I’m going to get any work done. The good news is that work done or not, I still get paid. The bad news is that I get home at about 11, and if I haven’t finished my homework by then, then it probably ain’t gonna happen.

Today the goal is:

Preclass Assignment: Developmental Neuropsychology

Readings: Developmental Neuropsychology

Finishing touches on the powerpoint: Psych of Criminal Behavior

2 pages of Danish homework + find a song/ad/something to translate

Hopefully that shouldn’t take 5 hours, but knowing me, it is likely. I’m also reading a blog called Ben Does Life, which is super inspiring. It reminds me of The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl, which I also binge-read in about a week. Both of them are really inspirational, and though my fitness goals aren’t exactly as intense as either of them, they’re both role models to me. Everybody’s got to start somewhere, right? Plus Dietgirl was abroad, which makes me happy, since so am I :)

In conclusion, busy busy busy evening of doing absolutely nothing but work and blogs. Such a glamorous life I lead, no?

Edit: Also this made me think a lot.

Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing. There are many things below it, but there are also things above it. You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling. Now no feeling can be relied on to last in its full intensity, or even to last at all. Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last; but feelings come and go. And in fact, whatever people say, the state called “being in love” usually does not last. If the old fairy-tale ending “They lived happily ever after” is taken to mean “They felt for the next fifty years exactly as they felt the day before they were married,” then it says what probably never was nor ever could be true, and would be highly undesirable if it were. Who could bear to live in that excitement for even five years? What would become of your work, your appetite, your sleep, your friendships?

But, of course, ceasing to be “in love” need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense–love as distinct from “being in love”–is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by the grace which both ask, and receive, from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other. They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be “in love” with someone else.

“Being in love” first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it. —C.S. Lewis

Overnight Hospital Stays: Never, actually, though I’ve had two major surgeries and chemo :O I’m just not a huge fan of hospitals and my body knows it, so it seems to work some magic and keep me well enough to go home.

Pet Peeve: Slow walkers and slow talkers. I am just a fast-paced person, I guess :\

This Post is called Things I Did This Weekend, though it may or may not be slightly embellished an/or downplayed, depending on my needs.

On Friday, I got to go to Baresso with Anne-Marie, my Dev Neuropsych professor who just had a baby and is the sweetest, most awkward person ever. She is like the girl version of Anders, only obvs she is not a womanizer (Though I suppose I cannot say for sure that Anders was a womanizer. I would just like to believe he was. Also he wore womanizing shoes.) We did classish things, and also she told me to come and live in Denmark, and that she thought I would make a good surgeon. In conclusion, I love her.

Friday evening was eventful in that things happened. It was uneventful in that I can recall none of these things.

Saturday was the start of BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, meaning that fianally my ass sat through those first three hours that are actually like an eternity. Though now I am finding the show very good, after watching the first two real episodes. I am not ZOMG HOOKED in that I want to watch every single episode rtfnomg, but I like it, and expect to get more into it the longer it goes. I am actualfacts in love with Six, as she is pretty much everything I might ever want in a character.

Today was pretty much just Zumba and sleeping accidentally all freaking afternoon. Now I am pretending like I do real work on projects, but really I am just watching Grey’s or ANTM. Also I did laundry. This is sadly a major accomplishment.

This is a slightly late Things I Like Thursday. But Things that I Like cannot be contained in only one day, so tardiness is acceptable.

1. Gossip Girl. Specifically my sexy new background. But really, how can you go wrong with Blair and Chuck?

There actually aren't words for how much I love these two, or how ridic that is.

2. Danish children (in general) singing the Fastelavn song (specifically).

Fastelavn er mit navn

boller vil jeg have

hvis jeg ingen boller får

så laver jeg ballade

Fastelavn is basically Danish Halloween (which is somewhat unfortunate, as I am not a huge fan of Halloween anymore, and this year I get to have it twice :| ) but it is a fabulous excuse to dress up and eat boller (buns). Plus seeing kids dressed up and singing is adorable no matter what time of the year it is. And speaking of boller…

3. Getting pastries in Danish class. Nina is amazing. Enough said.

4. Purple corduroy jeggings. Not a sentence I thought I would ever say, but you know. When in Europe, where leggings as pants.