If you have issues with anger or are dealing with someone who does, this is the place to come to for understanding and tips.
If you argue or fight, now you can learn how to resolve your differences peacefully and permanently.
Dealing with a difficult person? I can show you how to calm them down and gain their cooperation.
It's all quite simple, really.

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

There are so many times in our lives when we realize after
the fact that it would have been in our best interest to have kept our thoughts
to ourselves. Words are powerful and can make matters better or cause damage to
others or get us into a whole lot of trouble. There is much wisdom in the old
adage to "think beforeyou
speak", sage advice for us to follow throughout our entire lives. The
Bible tells us that there is a time to reap and a time to sow, a time to laugh
and a time to cry. There is also a time to speak and a time to keep our mouths
shut. Here are more than twenty such times:

1. When we are angry or upset. Emotions fuel our behavior
including our choice of words. Intense emotions, such as anger, cloud rational
thinking and oftentimes propels us to say hurtful or rude comments that may
cause pain to the other party, damage our relationship with them, or get one or
more of us in trouble. Give yourself time to calm down and cool off before speaking.
Refer to the SWaT Strategy in my book, The Secret Side of Anger.Proverbs 15:1"A
gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger."

2. When we speak before knowing all of the facts. How often
do we open our mouth before knowing all the details of what we are commenting
on? We see a scratch on our car when coming out of the store and assume the
person closest to it with the overflowing shopping cart is responsible for the
damages. We immediately accuse them of wrongdoing.Doing so shows little regard for their
feelings and zero interest in deciphering the truth. One only seeks a target
for their ire. Therefore, make certain your brain is in gear before your mouth
is in motion.

3. When you comment on an issue before verifying that it is
true. Our political system is highly volatile, in part, due to accusations and
assumptions being perpetrated by the media and others before fact checking to
see if their information is correct. Misinformation, lies, assumptions can all
lead to unnecessary drama and hardship. Make certain your source of information
is accurate before commenting. "Those
who seek the truth ask questions. Those who are uninterested form
judgments."~ Janet Pfeiffer

4. If your choice of words will hurt or offend the other
party.It's important to be truthful to
one another even when we are not happy with them. However, one can politely
state how they feel and do so while showing sensitivity towards the other.
There are multiple ways of saying the same thing: choose the one most respectful.
Imagine how you would feel if those same comments were directed

at you.Proverbs 16:24
"Pleasant words are a honeycomb, Sweet to the soul and healing to the
bones."

5. If your words do not reflect Divine Love. Imagine how
Jesus would have spoken to others. Will your words be reflective of His
compassion and kindness? One need not believe in Jesus to follow His example of
benevolence towards humanity. 1Corinthians: "Let
all that you do (say) be done in love." Temper your words with
kindness, always.

6. When you are tempted to make light of a serious
situation. Joking about that which is sinful, illegal, immoral, or painful to
another is insensitive and in poor taste. We must always show reverence for that
which is a violation of Divine or civil law or common decency. Compassion
towards others enables us to refrain from minimizing another's suffering.
Sometimes we do so in an attempt to ease our own discomfort in the situation
but to do so is insensitive to others.

7. When you would regret your words later. Once spoken,
words cannot be retracted. Even an apology cannot erase the damage hurtful
words can do for once released they can live inside the receiver's mind for a
lifetime. Said once; replayed for eternity. Therefore, carefully choose only
those words that you would feel comfortable with knowing they will live on
forever.

8. When you are tempted to use God's Name in conjunction
with an offensive comment. Society has pretty much deemed it acceptable to
combine the Name of the Lord with profanity and along with phrases of disdain.
To do so is an offense to the One who is Purity, Light, and Love. Unclean
comments are an abomination to the Lord. The Third Commandment states
"Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain." Choose
alternative phrases to express your displeasure.

9. If your words are misleading or convey the wrong
impression. For someone to misrepresent themselves as something other than who
they are is deceitful and wrong. In some cases, it can be illegal (such as an
EMT misrepresenting themselves as a medical doctor). To make wrongful
insinuations about another person or situation with the deliberate intent of
misleading others is a poor reflection on your character as well as being
unjust to the other party. Actions of this nature can be accompanied by serious
consequences to yourself as well as others.

10. If the issue is none of your business. MYOB is great
advice: mind your own business. How often do we feel compelled to comment on
that which is not our concern? By intervening, we often contribute too much
information or information that others may not need to know or should not know
about, give inappropriate advice or make improper comments, or offend others by
becoming involved in a private matter. Think twice before joining a
conversation that you have not been invited into.

11. When you are tempted to outright lie. People lie for a
variety of reasons: to protect themselves or another person, out of fear of
being judged or condemned, to create drama or damage another person's
reputation. Take a moment and reconsider, for those who lie will eventually be
revealed and suffer scars upon their character as well as have to face the
consequences of their actions.Proverbs 10:21"The
lips of the righteous feed many, But fools die for lack of understanding."

12. If your words will damage another person's reputation or
cause them any unnecessary hardships. We all have dirt on one another - those
little secrets that others think we don't know about. And we all have things
about ourselves we would like to keep private. We have a choice as to whether
we share that information with others or allow it to remain confidential.
Before revealing anything that could possibly cause anyone any harm, examine
your motives. Is this absolutely necessary that I do so or is it in the best
interest of all to allow said information to remain concealed?

Words can hurt or words can heal. There are times when it is
far more intelligent and compassionate to remain silent. Think carefully before
speaking. Next week, we'll continue with more occasions when it is better
to not say anything at all.

OrderThe
Secret Side of Anger, Second Edition or The Great Truth @ http://www.pfeifferpowerseminars.com/pps1-products.html

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

It doesn't take much to anger some people. Even the most
innocent comments can cause some tempers to flare. Innocuous situations can be
misinterpreted leading to screaming matches, cursing, or physical altercations.
In an instant, violence can erupt where calm once existed and destruction of
property, injury to one's person, or psychological damage can occur.Patience, understanding, forgiveness, and
compassion are replaced by personal entitlement and arrogance.

Consider this: recently a friend of mine named Sara had an
encounter in a store with a unfamiliar woman. The woman's shopping cart was
blocking the isle so Sara, not knowing who the cart belonged to, moved it to
the side. The owner became irate shouting that Sara had no right to touch her
cart and should have asked before moving it. While I consider this a reasonable
request, I do object to her method of inquiry. The woman's purse was in the
cart and she stated her concerned that someone could have taken itto which Sara replied with an attitude,
"If you're so worried about your purse maybe you shouldn't have left it in
the cart and walked away!" The banter escalated into cursing at which point
Sara's friend, Karen, stepped up stating arrogantly that if Sara had been white
the woman never would have treated her this way. Sara concluded by cursing the
woman out and leaving.

There is so much about this situation that was unfortunate.
Certainly, had the woman not left her cart unattended blocking the aisle, none
of this would have transpired. However, had Sara posed a simple request for the
owner to identify herself, this issue could have been easily resolved by the
person moving said cart herself. Regardless of Sara's actions, the woman's
irate response was extremely rude and uncalled for. Rather than trying to
diffuse things, each continued to escalate the situation. Sara's sarcastic
retort resulted in a tirade of profanity. As if that were not enough, Karen added
more fire by turning this into a racial incident. (There was no evidence
what-so-ever that race was a factor.) More profanity spewed by Sara at the
other woman before exiting the store finally brought this event to a close.
Fortunately for everyone, it did not become physical, resulting in injury and/or
possible arrest.

There are several reasons why people respond this way:

1. Entitlement Mindset: Those with a sense of entitlement
feel as though they are above others; that ordinary rules of common courtesy
don't apply to them; and that if they have been wronged in the past they now
have a free pass to walk around with a chip on their shoulder.

2. Responsibility Evaders: They fail to take personal
responsibility. Sara was quick to point out the mistakes of the other woman
without taking ownership for her own actions. If one person acts poorly it does
not justify the other responding likewise. Remember the old adage: two wrongs
don't make a right. The fact that Karen turned this into a racial issue, when
there was no indication it was, is additional proof that neither was holding
themselves accountable for escalating the situation. Making this incident about
skin color, of which Sara has no control, alleviates her of being responsible
simply by default. ("I did not choose my skin color, therefore I'm not
responsible for racial discrimination nor my reaction to it.") This
irrational thought process is invalid both in a legal sense as well as on a
spiritual level.

3. Power Hungry: There are those who thrive on drama
and the sense of power it affords them when they incite it. There is a sense of
power and control over the incident and the individuals involved. They know how
to push buttons and evoke the desired response. This is a form of bullying that
results from low self-esteem and feelings of insecurity.

4. Justice Seekers: One who perceives that prejudice has
occurred feels the need for immediate justice and to restore a sense of
fairness and balance to the relationship. A bruised ego, one who takes personal
offense to another person's actions, is propelled into the "fight"
mode as a means of self-protection.

In summary, in any given situation, we can act like
accelerants and add more fuel to the already dangerous fire. Or we can be as
ice, calming and soothing, preventing any damage from occurring.

Alternative Responses:

1. Always be polite and respectful towards others regardless
of their behavior. Your actions are a reflection of who you are. Be authentic
to your inherent nature - love.

2. Give others the benefit of the doubt. Someone may be
having a bad day or misinterpreted something you said or did. Make allowances
whenever possible and give others a chance to redeem themselves.

3. Acknowledge their feelings and experience. There
experience is valid to them and without recognition it is very difficult to
move forward peacefully. Everyone seeks validation.

4. Offer an apology for anything that may have offended the
other person. An apology is a powerful tool illustrating one's sensitivity to
the other person's feelings or situation. It is not always an admission of
guilt as many believe.

5. Practice diffusing statements such as "I'd like to
discuss this so we can get the issue resolved." "If we could both
remain calm that would be really helpful." "I'm interested in what
you have to say."

6. Be sincere in your desire to resolve the issue quickly
and to the satisfaction of all parties.

7. Whatever you say or do, make certain it emanates from a
place of kindness, respect, concern, and fairness for all parties.

Even the most innocent situations can turn ugly in an
instant. Each of us has the ability to acceleratea heated situation by adding more fire to it
through inciteful words or threatening actions or arrogant attitudes. Or we can
extinguish the flames by adding ice: sincerity, respect, helpful suggestions,
accountability, and fairness.

OrderThe Secret Side of Anger, Second Edition
or The Great Truth @ http://www.pfeifferpowerseminars.com/pps1-products.html

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Life doesn't always turn out the way we'd like. When
situations take an unfavorable turn, we become upset, frustrated, or angry.
When others don't agree with us, live their life the way we think they should,
or act in a manner we find disturbing, anger is a typical response. With the
exception a few extreme circumstance, an angry reaction rarely improves the
situation or endears us to the other party.

For the most part, humans have very strong opinions about
how life should be, how others should behave, and about what circumstances
should occur and how they should eventually conclude. We expect a certain
outcome that aligns with our beliefs or with the efforts we put forth. When
situations don't progress or end according to our plans we experience angst as
to how the outcome will affect us and/or those we care about. For example, the
recent presidential election has a portion of the country frightened and angry
about what the future holds with our new president. Unpredictable weather on
our wedding day causes concern for the overall success and enjoyment of our
special day.

In another regard, we are quick to complain when an
individual is not behaving way we want them to or the way we think they should
be. This anger evolves when we label and judge people based on our criteria of
what we believe to be right regarding their attitudes, beliefs, behaviors,
life-style choices, etc. A harsh assessment of the other party leads to harsh
feelings as well. (Thoughts create feelings.)

When anger arises in these areas it's an indication that frustration
or fear is lurking beneath: frustration that we cannot control our
circumstances and fear as to how that situation will impact us and those around
us.

Anger also arises from hurt: if someone criticizes the way
we look we may take personal offense. Their perceived
cruelty and lack of regard for our feelings is disconcerting. We feel
disrespected and our natural defenses take over, fueling the need to correct
them, put them in their place or retaliate with an even more hurtful comment
teaching them that we will not tolerate their ill-mannered behaviors.

In each of the above examples, anger gives us the momentary
feeling of power in a situation where we feel we have lost authority. However,
any person or situation that can cause us to react in a manner not beneficial
to us actually has more clout that we do. Thoughtful consideration of what
feelings and reply are most advantageous actually restores our authentic power.

Consider the following alternatives to anger:

Compassion: a compassionate response can be the
perfect solution to anger. Compassion consists of both understanding and
empathy. We can view the individual whose behavior we find unacceptable from a
place of understanding. Each person has a right to live life according to their
beliefs, dreams, needs, etc. If someone is struggling or acting inappropriately,
rather than becoming irate because they are not living up to my ideals, I can
remove the "shoulds" (unspoken expectations) and in my heart grant
them permission to have the experience they are engaging in, knowing that it is
a necessary part of their life's journey. If they are struggling, lost, or in
pain, I can choose to feel compassion or sadness for their suffering, hoping
that they soon pass through their current challenge to a more joyful place.
Being patient and always treating them with kindness (which may include setting
some reasonable boundaries) during this time are all components of being
compassionate. Choosing this alternative response softens one's heart and prevents
anger from manifesting.

Humor* is another powerful tool for diffusing anger.
We take life far too seriously. We take personal offense to what others are
saying or doing rather than remaining emotionally detached. After all, their
behavior is a reflection of their internal environment and has nothing at all
to do with me. We become agitated when things don't go according to our plans
yet in reality a life that conforms precisely to our dictates teaches us
nothing. We worry and obsess over that which we have no control over or that
which in reality is relatively unimportant. (Ten year rule: will this matter in
ten years? Will I even remember it? If not, then it's not important now.) Humor
puts any serious situation into its proper perspective. It diffuses fear and
angst; it acts as a protective barrier to emotional pain as we recognize that
what is transpiring has nothing at all to do with me; and it makes light of
that which in reality has no significant value.

So when others behave badly, find it in your heart to
forgive them for their indiscretions rather that judge them. When life hands
you the exact opposite of what you requested, make light of it. After all, this
life is only temporary so why get so bend out of shape when it doesn't conform
to your ideals? Rain on your wedding day? Break out the umbrellas and boots and
dance in the puddles!

*Just a note of caution: humor is not intended to be
directed at the other party. One can find humor in the situation or make light
of their own reaction or behavior. Humor must never direct it at the other
person. To do so is disrespectful and may very well make the situation far
worse than it is.

OrderThe
Secret Side of Anger, Second Edition or The Great Truth @ http://www.pfeifferpowerseminars.com/pps1-products.html

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

We all get angry from time-to-time. Sometimes our anger is
righteous, that is to say it is justifiable and other times without valid
cause. For instance, imagine your child is late returning from an evening
basketball game. He does not call to let you know that the game went into
overtime.You're unable to reach him and
become fearful that something awful may have happened to him. It was also
agreed upon that he would call if he was going to be late. Your trust has been
violated in addition to the fact that you are frantic (fear: a root cause of
anger). Most would agree that anger under these circumstances is an appropriate
response.

An unjustifiable cause of anger can occur when we have
unfair expectations of others. For example: we expect that every family member
share equally in the care of their elderly parents. If the majority of the
burden falls upon one member for whatever reason, that person may become irate
and resentful of the others. However, perhaps the others are not logistically
able to assist equally. Or their relationship may not be as strong as the
primary caregiver, thereby dictating to them that their obligations are not as compulsory.
To expect that others share the same values, commitment or goals as we do is
unrealistic. Unmet expectations lead to anger and bitterness.

I've found myself in the latter situation. As my parents
aged, they needed more care. However, the sibling who lived closest to them
supplied sporadic care at best. I chose to put aside a minimum of one day every
week to be with them, caring for whatever needs they had at each stage in their
life. Over the course of twenty years, their needs increased and at times I
felt overwhelmed and exhausted. I had to make a choice: I could be mad at the
other sibling for not being more helpful or I could be sad that she was missing
such a wonderful opportunity to care for two of the most loving parents ever
created. I chose to feel sad for her rather than mad. Anger is judgmental and poses
a threat to my emotional and physical well-being as well as interfering with my
ability to live a serene life. Sadness, on the other hand, does neither.As long as I do not allow it to consume me, being
sad can soften my heart with compassion towards her and prevents bitterness
from manifesting.

The second alternative is to be glad. While this might sound
like an unusual substitution for being angry, it is a very valid one.
Regardless of life's circumstances, I am always given the opportunity to be
joyful. I can view this perceived imbalance of responsibility as a chance for
me to learn to be more understanding, patient, kind, forgiving, respectful, and
non judgmental. After, who am I to demand like attitudes or behaviors from
anyone? Who am I to impose my way on another? I am here to do what I believe to
be right; to do what God expects me to do; to follow my heart and my life's
path. My sibling is not on the same journey as I and I must respect her right
to do what she needs to do. In this regard, I can find appreciation and
happiness in an opportunity to further my spiritual development.

One is always free to change how they feel simply by
refocusing their attention in a different manner. I can focus on what I am
unhappy about, I can judge and label the other party, I can claim that the
situation is unfair and imbalanced, and I can also choose to feel angry and sorry
for myself. Or I can view the other person from a place of sadness that they
are unaware of what they are missing out on; that they are misguided or
resistant to embracing a powerful spiritual opportunity; that they are not
fully living from a place of love and generosity as they appear to be more
consumed with their own lives than that of their parents. Changing my thought
process, my internal dialogue - what I say to myself about them and the
situation - allows me to avoid the anger that comes from judgment and replace
it with compassion that arises out of sadness for their misguided actions. I
can then refocus my thoughts on the valuable lessons I've just acquired, the
spiritual growth spurt I've enjoyed,
and the many blessings surrounding me that I am forever grateful for.

About Me

Janet Pfeiffer, international motivational speaker and award-winning author has appeared on CNN, Lifetime, ABC News, The 700 Club, NBC News, Fox News, The Harvest Show, Celebration, TruTV and much more. She is a contributor to Ebru Today TV and hosts her own radio show, Anger 911, on www.w4cy.com.
Her latest book is the highly acclaimed The Secret Side of Anger and is endorsed by NY Times bestselling author, Dr. Bernie Siegel.
A consultant to corporations including AT&T, U.S. Army, U.S. Postal Service and Hoffman-LaRoche, Janet is NJ State certified in domestic violence, an instructor at a battered women’s shelter and founder of The Antidote to Anger Group. She specializes in anger management, conflict resolution and bullying. Janet is a member of EAPA, MVP and Vision in Motion Speaker’s Bureaus and Network Plus.
Janet@PfeifferPowerSeminars.com
www.PfeifferPowerSeminars.com.