There are two holidays I do poorly, New Year’s Eve and 4th of July and I reluctantly do both almost every year. For years, I would ask my friends, not so subtly, “What are the plans for the 4th?” And I would get nothing in response. This was a miserable game of chicken that I lost every year. Hence, my annual crappy 4th of July party that no one looks forward to, but everyone attends.

The invites (all phone conversations) usually start something like this:

Me: I’m doing it.Them: The 4th? Of course. You do it every year.Me: I know. It’s going to suck again, but if you don’t have anything better then come on over. We can make fun of your sad life. It must be sad. You’re at my house on a major holiday.Them: Cool. It will be like last year. Should I bring my famous beans (insert any basic food item here)?Me: Famous? They’re from a can (box, the store, bag, whatever).Them: I didn’t say I made them famous.Me: Yeah, bring them.

For somebody who can’t be bothered with following the rules I have a lot them. Game of Thrones seems to violate every single rule I have. Thank god, I was born in modern times because there is no way I would have survived. Here are some of my rules.

- If there is a chance that a baby will be born on fur, I will not watch, read or participate in it.

- Dragons, I don’t do ‘em.

- Little people in crooked crowns, that’s a NO.

- Wine drunk from the skins of animals. Get a glass, hell I don’t care if you drink it straight
from the bottle.

- Polyamory or swing parties. I’ve never been invited so I’m pretty sure this is a mutual feeling.

- No hot tubs with friends. This could get creepy fast.

- Mandals – Man Sandals. The only time a mandal is allowed is at the beach or near a large body of
water. Mandals and jeans are a no, cover them toes up.

Guilty Pleasure – Slurpees. I’m a purest. I like Coca-Cola with a splurt of cherry on top but no more than a splurt, otherwise it’s to sweet. No Mountain Dew and No Crystal Light. I even own a special metal Slurpee straw for road trips.

Sad Fact – I was a teenage clown. I spent my weekends in face paint and big shoes. Needless to say, I was super popular. I do have to admit that tying balloon animals has come in handy on more than one occasion in my adult life. As proof, I offer this picture. I’m the one in the bald wig and braces.

Confession – I steal stories. My friends know their moments of shame will inevitably make it on my pages. What? It’s not like they were using them.