Robert Webb's Travelling Life

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We have a family holiday once a year, usually abroad, but that’s it. I feel I should have holidays for my family’s sake, but I’m not that adventurous.

Earliest travel memory?

When I was eight we travelled by coach from Lincolnshire to the Costa Brava. It took two days to get there and I think that was the start of my problem with travelling. The coach was full of families, and the guys in charge put on Who Dares Wins, which contains scenes of people shooting each other and a few bits of sex. I liked it but my mum was irritated.

Funniest holiday moment?

When I was 18, I was halfway up the Eiffel Tower with my friend, Tom, when we decided to stick our heads through the railings. The gap between the railings was exactly the right size to be able to put your head through and nearly get stuck. Which is exactly what happened. We eventually came unstuck – the knack is not to mind almost pulling your ears off.

Do you go on holiday with David Mitchell [his comedy partner]?

Yes, I’ve been on holiday with him loads of times. He’s very easy to go on holiday with because we’re very similar – we just want to read our books by the pool. I’m a bit of a faffer in airports but David makes me feel like James Bond. He’s worried about the gate, what queue we’re in and his baggage.

Favourite type of holiday?

We went to Hope Cove, in Devon, last year with friends. It’s always a mixed bag because there are couples with no children and couples with children, but at different ages, so you’ve got the question of who’s going to sleep in which room and how many rooms you need. It’s a logistical challenge, but holidays with friends can be terrific.

Do you need to be part of a big crowd to enjoy yourself?

I’m good at finding things to do on my own, even if it’s just reading. My mum and my grandparents worked at Woodhall Spa, in Lincolnshire, and every weekend and school holiday I had the run of this massive place. I’d ride around on my bike dressed as Zorro or pretending to be Ponch from CHiPs. My brothers were five or six years older and I have a younger sister, so I was solitary but not lonely.

What do you need for a perfect holiday?

A nanny. Dory has just turned two and Esme will be four soon. Last January we went to Lanzarote and we took a holiday nanny, Wendy, whom we found in Britain and who’s still with us. It’s not as if we didn’t see the children, but it did mean that my wife, Abbie, and I got a lie-in every morning and went out every night.

Most adventurous travel experience?

I thought I’d check out the nudist beach in Brighton on a Cambridge Footlights tour in 1994. I stripped off and an old gentleman, wearing mirrored shades and smoking a cigarillo, came and sat next to me. He was deeply tanned and his only white bit was where his wedding ring usually went. He started nattering about house prices and I kept mentioning my girlfriend.

Best bit of travel advice?

Don’t take Ulysses or any book you think you ought to have read. You won’t read it and it won’t look good. In the worst case I might get recognised and then people will think, “That’s Robert Webb. He went to Cambridge and he hasn’t even read Ulysses.” Take a nice Robert Harris instead.

Remotest travel destination?

Cape Town. It was a long trip and I didn’t really enjoy it. I found the scale intimidating. It’s mountainous and rocky and the city is scary. A waiter at the hotel kept telling me that Cape Town is just like a European city, but it’s not like that at all. It doesn’t feel safe and I didn’t really go out at night.

Favourite hotel?

The Chancery Court in London. Abbie and I stayed there for part of our honeymoon and it was the most debauched, fabulous and fun three days of my life.

Favourite city?

London. I was hell-bent on living there because I wanted to be an actor and that’s where you go. I live in West Hampstead now. I like how green it is, its higgledy-piggledy nature, the different styles of buildings and that fact that it’s in a world city and you never know who you’re going to bump into.

Worst travel experience?

When I was a student, my friend Pete said, “Hey, my friend Steve has an apartment in Paris and we can stay there for nothing.” We turned up and it was a bedsit decorated with two posters – one of Margaret Thatcher and the other of a Harrier jump jet. We were sleeping on the floor. I had a shocking cold and was massively constipated so was ill the whole time. I remember tramping about the Musée d’Orsay and wanting to die.

Where would you have to be paid to go back to?

Paris. I love the French countryside, just not Paris. I also have no desire to go on safari or skiing. Both cost a lot and seem like a waste of time.

What do you hate about holidays?

I find it really hard to embrace the idea that getting there is half the fun. It’s not. It’s to be endured.

Where next?

New Zealand (above). My sister lives there and I’ve always fancied it because it’s a totally different landscape, yet unlike Australia it has no lethal beasts like sharks or poisonous spiders. Every now and again Abbie reminds me that we were supposed to go there for our honeymoon. We ended up having a wet week in Fuerteventura, so I owe her a big trip.

Robert Webb is appearing in Marple: A Caribbean Mystery; tomorrow, 8pm, ITV1