My INFP daily tear drop with a missing INTJ other

Sitting in a cave going batty. Thatís defining how I feel. Itís a long distance relationship and she has kids and a husband (who she talks about divorcing, stating the connection is unreal). It has been seven months and single handedly I have vanquished most of my life in the efforts of her Ė the one and ĎONLYí. I analyze each of those months as the summary of a chapter between her and Iís connection, closer or further split. Right now it follows the latter. In the case that I canít handle this relationship, I feel like itís my turn at 19 to give up sharing my virginity (in any form) and brooding as some Shaman gender figure. Iíve practically been given a free ticket to it in life and all I have to do is abandon my hope when my thoughts and feelings have already betrayed me toward the one goal Iím crusading toward.
My only source of energy now is by pouring it all out to make her happy each day, for what little time we have in one day. I may be the only one in pain and suffering each day I canít, each day that I sit alone waiting for the moment to speak; except when sheís not also suffering itís like me. I donít feel important any more. Itís not a companionship anymore, Iím just a bore.

Iíve offered if itís better that I disappear. She complains about how she canít put quality into her husband (that I didnít think she cared about fulfilling --- no wait, sheís told me that), her kids, or me. So as she canít change any of these, why not offer something? I even wrote her a four page paper after on Thanksgiving about how everything she does includes quality.

Sheís secretive but teasing Ė inconsistent. As for her case, she holds all her values and she has them to speak toward me without caution. Her values are kept secret to everyone else, as do I; but herís arenít even consistent. I know this case is possibly my fault, as I will explain in the next value as her values have become points of perfectionism in trying to forge the notion of Ďusí. One time she said she only wanted to see me, and sheís excitedly giving herself to more and more of her friends. At the initial point where I found it jealous, I was able to bypass friends, as truly they were only breaching the term of acquatinces with me. As for her, sheís freely giving herself to these friends. She once said the first thing she did every morning was check her phone to text me back, but it doesnít even feel like the case anymore. I feel like a broken toy as no matter what I could do, it doesnít work with some form of reality. When I become really serious in trying to share something extremely important about me, she sometimes teases me for it too. My values come slower, but I hold them constant. To me, my values Iím holding for us (that Iíve created) are making me a subjectively pursuiting nihilist. Like Iím going to lose everything in each step, even her, as I canít tell whether sheís really there.
She said I was her one and only! Is this true?

The qualm of Ďusí. This is how we differentiate and converge. In the general concept that she seeís us both as individuals and I see it in the case of us, like a form of merging. Sheís satiated with the mentally creating an image of me and living with it. I need her as a companion to take with me, in person, to travel with my inner worlds. The difficulty with us is that while I wished a boat or party of only two, she bluntly stated the reality wonít work that way.
In the past I used to have this emotional frenzy where I would disappear for a period, hating myself, but bringing her emotionally closer to me during reconnecting; and I saw the flaw in that what I did, stopping.

E-Mail to Phone to Webcam to Person. My least favorite part about this relationship is waiting on that next trend in line to come, because one day I will have nothing life. Someone the world will be desensitized to every sweat emerging from the pours of my body. Between us, itís like she said she could value me for years while Iím at college; but itís bullshit, because eventually these things donít stay interesting. E-Mail didnít work out forever as we couldnít share our tones in the present when life went awry, the phone lacked our facial motions, then webcam is this lie to not touch Ė a world where the other can run away in seconds. So in person, one day will it just be disinteresting? I canít wait to be parasite to a mindless corpse, out of tune with each level of my person. Iím so desperate to meet her in person, and one day, that trend will continue and my body will shrivel away from the two person boat, when one was missing the whole time. The boat rots, andÖ I wonít write some emotionally plunging song.
2 months weíll see one another for the first time. If I leave, Iíll still stay in the city she lives in. And the whole city will contain only one reason to stay there, her.
My home is only with specific people, and Iím going somewhere where Iíll feel left behind.

So here I sit on a Saturday morning, hoping an echo comes to my cave to even say good morning.

(And I hate when being told to be myself, but my Ďselfí is entirely focused on you!)
:smiley_violin:

Thank you for reading: conflict breeds sentences and motivation. My greatest weapon of pity or for some purpose... ::sigh::

Edit: I apologize, but this is my first time revealing my thoughts out to people. I am not sure whether to value putting it up or not.. =/

I don't know what to do though. She's my only place I can call home.
My home with my blood bound family is this mansion of distance and my school represents the freezing frame of Azkaban.
It's so painful to have been waiting for something to hit you, for a meaning to draw in your life, and once you find it looking back at 19 years of never following anything. I have to follow it now. It's like truly my meaning in life, so I don't know where i'd be running to except to her.
Sometimes, the times when I feel special, are when I feel like i'm the only one who knows her, who understands her. She says she silently values my preciousness; but I don't know if I feel that way or what relic can truthfully tell me or lie to me about that.
Every second i'm not fulfilling that companionship, it's like i'm watching my boat rot.

Especially if I leave, it won't ever again return. I couldn't even look at her face again without coming to tears in what I didn't take with me to my personal land. (But maybe deeply i'm just hinting at how I would have missed out on her life, and that IS an awful feeling.)
I hope it gets better in person. I know my own trend is to root myself in every part of another person's life - better or worse. Even somehow my worst cases of jealous turn out to be inspiration, painful inspiration.
I'm not just a self, i'm a self with you..

One of our differences is she would tell the straight truth, unaware of the feelings side, then tells me if I find anything that brings me great joy outside the relationship like she has; that I just need to tell her. Now this doesn't make sense because she's the one i'm crusading toward and every person that has brought her jealousy I have walked away from. (Most of them weren't too important toward understanding me; but I even left Facebook to the idea that it causes more issues for not only her but me. In that it's also a complete waste of time, in which I don't value the perspectives.)

All life i've been plagued with friendships that don't last forever! None of them do. I used to term it 3 month friends, and I sought out that it was something I had done. Can't she be the one friend?

I wish an INTJ like Cranky could provide a flash of insight.

I told her as sternly as an INFP could, "If we join in a soul mate bond, then both of us are finding self-actualization."

(Not sure if I could just run away from it without looking back. My diary is filled with it.. I just wanted to run away to her. And i'm using that word JUST like it's just it.)
IS that an "I love you" beaming in a few paragraphs?

Just a strange thought, on why I feel like I need her to rely on. Because if I don't then I rely on my moods, in which I face the sad reality --- I may not be in the mood to face this issue tomorrow, like if I just disappeared in care from this topic, quarrel, and submitted.
My feelings got the best of me though and started typing as fast as how I really did feel.

Writing in a journal is the ultimate reality of how alone you are.

Anypoo, I feel like writing in this thread will be the only fuel to keep it going, so i'm bloating it with words while I still care!
(I guess bloating her with my feelings doesn't work that way though.)

Except I lost my point like how my life's a big red herring. I also forgot what more I was writing. ::Sigh::

I think there's one difference I saw in the NT and NF is that she, (the INTJ) wants me to speak up for my self. Bellow my pump forward, and blow everything away. And I expect people to intuitively understand me - like how I may with her.
Maybe this is my bellow to knock over a willow.

Originally Posted by Elaur

Don't sell yourself short.

I guess I don't understand the concept of self-love or personal value.
I'm going to sink into the sewer system someday anyways.

I am apathetic toward myself, and even the suicide centers don't understand me!
Hating myself would imply too much self-loathing emotion to do anything significant. Like a psychic scream.

(My apologies about getting delusionally crazy. The suicide was a bit in the past, when my conversations concluded in the facilities of keep alive studies.)

While you may believe that others are unable to understand your loneliness and confusion, I myself have felt some of those same feelings. While I do not have another "older" person such as you have (who is giving you so much internal strife), I was once in a similar situation. I suggest that you not give up your virginity to some older lady (who will most likely abandon you later on). She will betray you, don't be blind. Just have more patience.

So, in my opinion, you should forget her. Just as it has been mentioned above, RUN. RUN for the hills! Eliminate all contact with her. Erase all of her phone numbers, emails, etc. Erase all yours as well. Make it so that neither of you cannot find each other again. Otherwise, you will regret it.

The happiness she will provide is temporary, not permanent. Nothing more will come of it. I myself feel that my loneliness is much more overwhelming than I can handle. I think about how I should take some "shortcuts", or simply end it all. However, I somehow manage by myself. You never know how long our miseries will last. It could end a few days from now or years from now. Just hope, and do the steps outlined above. These are my suggestions.

Another note, how do you know she is an INTJ? She doesn't sound like one.