Guest Column by Duke

I apologize for not keeping this blog up to date; I’ve been suffering from Bloggers Block. I have asked my Golden Retriever/Lab mix Duke to write today’s column. He doesn’t have much writing experience, but he is a keen observer of human behavior, and I suspect that when I’m at work he goes on line and chats with other neglected house pets around the world. He is always eager to please me, so I know he’ll come up with something good for the blog….

Human Behavior

as observed and chronicled by Hrrhahhgggrhhah (known by humans as “Duke”)

My primary human thinks that I am always eager to please him. This is not true. I am always eager to go outside and smell things. I can’t work the doorknob, so I have to keep him happy to be let out.

Human peeing is perhaps the most mysterious of their behaviors. They pee in a white container and the pee is taken away and replaced by drinking water. Nobody knows why they get rid of perfectly good pee, which could be used to identify their yards. Instead, they hire us to pee on their property. Without our help, one would only have vague and unreliable visual clues as to where each human and dog family lived.

Humans constantly make noise. They talk almost continuously, but they get very upset when dogs say anything at all. They are the only ones allowed to talk.

Humans are completely blind to smells. They can walk right by deer poop without even slowing down. They don’t even seem to smell each others’ moods.

Humans almost always seem to have somewhere to go or some meaningless activity to engage in.

A good time to hang out with humans is when they are staring at bright boxes. They are almost inert during these times.

Humans have almost no fur, which makes grooming them nearly impossible. You should be able to clean their noses, ears and eyes, however, if you can get your tongue in place before they jump back.

Waking humans up in the morning should be done very carefully. For best results, I recommend licking their elbow and panting. If that doesn’t work, shake your head if you have a collar with jingly things that make noise. Pace around, pant louder, and lie down next to them making a disgruntled sighing sound. Then start the whole routine over again until they get up.

Humans believe that their pets think that they are human. This is a sign of monumental egoism. You can use this to your advantage. Look at them like you want something, even when you don’t, and they will try to figure out what you want based on what they would want. They will try treats, love, and other good things. You never know what they’ll try to keep you happy, but it’s fun to watch them struggle.

When they blog, they like to make their lists have 10 items. In tribute to humans, I end this list with a 10th item.

See you on line! Remember, they will always come home to feed you!

“Duke”

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Click on this daisy for some observations by a human about dogs & other matters:

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3 Responses to Guest Column by Duke

My name is “Daisy” and I think we are related because my human and your human are cousins. Everything you said is so true! aarrrfff!!!! aarrrrfffff!!! aaarrrrffff!!! One baffling thing that happens here is that these people need me to take them for a walk every day. It’s ridiculous. They don’t go for a walk unless I am with them, and they need me to show them the way, every time!!! They are so afraid of getting lost, they tie themselves to me! I could sniff my way home from miles away, but they cannot even find their way back home on the same street. Are your people that inept, too? Well, I just thought I would write and introduce myself and tell you I liked your blog. How is the food where you live, by the way?

[…] in the dark of night? It’s the first time I’ve ever seen it. I was out walking my dog (an occasional contributor to this blog) when I noticed the display. I dragged him about half a mile, running to tell my family so they […]

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