Bitter Astrologer: Because It’s Not Your Fault. May 6-12

Paleo diets are for freaks who don’t like sugar. So you’ve been steak- NO POTATO- for a week; burning cauliflower crusts and choking down butter infused coffee. Relax! Enjoy that wonder bread and butter brickle ice cream…. And blame your bitter astrologer for your fat ass.

INYF, Aries. This weekend, I want you to visit an amusement park. Take some selfies (like I have to tell you to do that!) on the merry-go-round. Leave your empty bank account, your failed relationship, and your soon-to-be-fired-again employment worries at home. If you look like you’re having fun in the same old cycle, then you are, right?

INYF, Taurus. Itching powder, sea monkeys, and x-ray glasses– you’re a classified adman’s comic book dream. Taureans are odd little meat sacks of fart jokes and Boones Farm, collecting Cracker Jack prizes even when well beyond Stand By Me age. You are the misguided (but funny) weirdo who lives a bit too much in the past. Reminisce over your Yu-Gi-Oh cards this weekend.

INYF, Gemini. You’re often written off as someone who is incapable of fidelity in monogamous relationships. This is not true– you’re about as prone to cheating as the rest of the world. The problem is that you’re not very good at hiding things- you get distracted, lazy, and then you get caught. Clear your call history, stat- those wandering eyes, they’re watching you.

INYF, Cancer. My process for this weekly gig involves taking down notes in the middle of the night, sometimes so close to sleep that I can’t remember writing them. I’ve been trying to grok these phrases that I wrote for you last night– maybe you can parse it out: “Noone can eat a better bowl of breakup ice cream than you. In fact, in the “real feeling” clown car, you’re queen jester.”

INYF, Leo. I have a prescription for you this week: get your hands dirty and devote some real time to charity. This isn’t dropping change on the homeless guy down the street or buying some cream of mushroom soup to drop in the donation box on the way out of the grocery store. You need to feel something truly altruistic, NOW. That power hungry psychopath in the mirror is itchin’ for a mutiny.

INYF, Virgo. Want to get some passion back into your life? 1. Stop turning away to put on Carmex before you kiss. 2. You don’t have to avoid sex right now because your underwear doesn’t match your bedspread. 3.Dirt and sweat are wild. Don’t stop a lusty look to take a shower, or worse, make your lover clean up. Get some whipped cream and chocolate syrup and get sticky. Better yet, get some chia pudding– to your health!

INYF, Libra. Keep offering unsolicited advice, you nitwit. You’re not normally one to butt in where you don’t belong– but you are always available for an opinion on every pesky thing. That kleenex box of friends? The weird peach set of tissues just popped up. You’re close to exhausting your resources, here. Yes, you don’t care, I know, but really, your mouth is about to get you stranded with snot on your face.

INYF, Scorpio. I want you to go back in time, to recess in elementary school. You’re playing telephone, hearing sentences morph from “I like to swing” into “elephants burp Amy Winehouse songs”. Communication chains break down, and overheard things are out of context and often just plain wrong. You’re not on the playground anymore, don’t trust garbled messages.

INYF, Sagittarius. “You’re only as young as the last time you changed your mind.” ~Timothy Leary. This guy was really a Sagittarius in Libra clothing. In zodiac terms, you are often seen as the child, the never grow up Peter Pan of the stars. In Leary terms, you’re two seconds old. By the time you finish this sentence, you’re going to be a newborn again. Rinse, repeat.

INYF, Capricorn. I don’t know anyone who truly likes change, they tolerate it like a dental appointment. Even teeth cleanings are uncomfortable. When met with a change this week, take the time to be human about it. Share your concerns, and try to be real. Don’t paste on that sweaty salesman smile and laugh it off. Oh, forget it. You’ll just have another thing to add to your lonnnnnnng list of regrets.

INYF, Aquarius.The worst part about being anywhere near an aquarian is their stubborn ability to be more right than everyone else. Building a birdhouse? They’ll figure out a better way that keeps out squirrels, takes half the time, and assembles with less stress. And they’ll do all of that innovation in the time it takes you to hammer your thumb. However– when they mess up, it’s EPIC. Prepare for some apocalyptic embarrassment. Non-aquarians– get some popcorn.

INYF, Pisces. When it comes to processing and progress, you’re all fractured. Your challenge: stop and think BEFORE you do something. But a serious think– I mean a fully developed, here’s all my options, here’s all the outcomes, okay now find some more options approach. It’s time for you to start taking care of yourself, stop making others do the thinking for you (and cleaning up your “I didn’t think about that” messes).