First off, I want to say that I think what you are going through is perfectly normal human feeling, and that it's nothing to be ashamed of, and I don't think you've done anything wrong. You can't stop yourself from falling in love with someone. It's not under your control, and the fact that you are clearly struggling to find the correct way to behave in order to avoid hurting anyone you love is admirable and honorable.

That said, you've got a few options here, the way I see it.

1) [I]The status quo.[/I] Continue denying yourself, don't act on your feelings, and keep seeing Other Woman (OW) in a friendly capacity. In this scenario you run the serious risk of cheating on your wife at some point even if you don't really intend to--assuming your attraction is reciprocated--with all the consequences.

2) [I]The illicit affair.[/I] Cheat on your wife with OW. Obviously this is not a good option since you'd be betraying your wife's trust and hurting her very badly if she finds out. And, you run a serious risk of hurting OW as well if she wants to be your only partner and you're not willing to leave your wife, which you clearly don't want to do. But it is of course an option that is available and as such needs to be considered, if only to be discounted.

3) [I]The straight and narrow.[/I] Tell your wife how you feel about OW, and ask her to help you sort the situation out. Here of course the consequences depend heavily on how understanding, open-minded and prone to jealousy your wife is, and how diplomatic you are. This is probably the most honorable option IMO, but it is obviously fraught with peril. The consequences could range anywhere from your wife leaving you, to your wife telling you she doesn't want you to see OW anymore, to the one in a million chance of your wife being OK with entering a polyamorous relationship with OW, to the significantly more likely chance of your wife being OK with you having a discreet side relationship with OW as long as you don't leave or neglect her (and any children--not clear on whether you have any). Neither of those last two is particularly likely, though. And of course there's always the chance that your wife could [I]say[/I] she's OK with it but would actually come to resent the situation deeply. This one is very up in the air depending on everyone's personalities.

4) [I]The tactical retreat.[/I] Don't tell your wife, but stop seeing OW entirely. Obviously this is more or less feasible depending on how exactly you know OW. You mentioned she is your wife's good friend so this may not be possible. If it is, though, it would be a good chance to see if your feelings cool with distance and perspective, or whether they remain undeniable in her absence, and then you might be better-equipped to proceed, having learned a little more about yourself.

I wish I could give you wise advice on which course is best but ultimately that's up to you, your wife and OW. I would advise against straight-up cheating, though. I [I]want[/I] to tell you to come clean with your wife and let the cards fall where they will, but that's easy to say when it's not my marriage on the line.

Best of luck, friend.

10-09-2012, 09:49 AM

Goldie

Lord P, two things occur to me:

1. Maybe you should talk to a counselor and learn techniques that can help you deal with and/or eliminate these feelings. (Cognitive therapy is used for a great many things and it might help you.)

2. I've read that a part of physical attraction is because of pheromones. Google it and see if there are any answers for you there.

10-09-2012, 09:51 AM

kenn

It sounds to me as though you've achieved emotional intimacy with the other woman, which, some people would consider cheating.

10-09-2012, 10:44 AM

LordPistacchio

[QUOTE=Uncephalized;974245]

1) [I]The status quo.[/I] Continue denying yourself...[B]This is what I've been trying for 3 years. I've been successful so far but it's painful, for both of us I think[/B]

2) [I]The illicit affair.[/I] Cheat on your wife with OW...[B]This will not happen. Absolutely everyone gets hurt in this scenario, because OW is not only a close friend to both of us she is a neighbor and her kids play with ours (yes we have kids)[/B]

3) [I]The straight and narrow.[/I] Tell your wife how you feel about OW...[B]Honorable perhaps, but I'd rather continue to feel like crap than hurt my wife this way. Although I think it's odd she doesn't sense it...[/B]

1. Maybe you should talk to a counselor and learn techniques that can help you deal with and/or eliminate these feelings. (Cognitive therapy is used for a great many things and it might help you.)

2. I've read that a part of physical attraction is because of pheromones. Google it and see if there are any answers for you there.[/QUOTE]

It's actually getting painful enough that it might be worth a try with a counselor.

10-09-2012, 10:50 AM

LordPistacchio

[QUOTE=kenn;974252]It sounds to me as though you've achieved emotional intimacy with the other woman, which, some people would consider cheating.[/QUOTE]

So is the idea that I should feel bad, or more like: "Screw it! If I'm cheating anyway, I might as well get me some!"?

10-09-2012, 11:21 AM

magnolia1973

Well, this is from a woman's viewpoint. And mine...is maybe skewed.

My husband had an affair with a slut that was purely sexual and while he hurt me, the fact was he was using her for his sexual pleasure and had no feelings of "love" for her. I was angry, sad, all sorts of enraged. But when he told me, in no uncertain terms, that there was no sense of love it gave me hope that things could work out. It has.... to a degree. But my bond with him is tenuous and if something better comes along....

Had he said "I love her very much" I'd have been out of there. Maybe not with animosity or anger, but I would have been gone. If you can suppress things without treating with her with resentment, more power to ya.

I don't think we can expect to not fall out of love with partners or in love with more than one. But it's a complex situation. Best of luck.

10-09-2012, 11:30 AM

TheFastCat

Wikipedia "limerence"

10-09-2012, 11:49 AM

JoanieL

Here's the mental anquish of acting on it. I know you said you have no intention, and I believe you. But maybe if you imagine what happens after caving, the whole thing might go away.

24 years married. Are you willing to give up half your assets, and part of your paycheck (maybe for the rest of your wife's life) to indulge these feelings? Because even in the least favorable states for the dumped spouse, 20+ years married, especially if she stopped working to be a SAHMom, that's most likely what it will cost you.

If you're 44 and you've been married 24 years, you got married young. Don't beat yourself up for the feelings you're having, but honestly, the shit storm that would be unleashed is rarely worth it.

Right now you are focussing on wanting this other woman. Focus on the future just a bit. Everything will be destroyed - your marriage, her marriage, her friendship with your wife, and any other social things that both couples do. And your finances.

Anyway, good luck to you. My advice: keep it in your pants and think about something else.

10-09-2012, 11:54 AM

Uncephalized

Going to a counselor so you can talk to someone about it in a safe environment is an option that didn't occur to me, but it sounds like it might be a very good idea.

10-09-2012, 12:49 PM

snoops

You got some great advise. Like JoanieL above especially. Everytime you have the feelings think of the damage instead. You'll get over it just like the guy in the thread about getting dumped will. Both will take time but you will.