Male Lust Arrives in Happy Valley

If we can’t talk about male lust honestly, argues Tom Matlack, how can we deal with the consequences?

Not long ago I wrote a column about male lust that caused quite a stir. I wasn’t trying to define masculine sexuality, only ask that perhaps coming clean about the topic of male lust would help both genders. I pointed out simple examples where I observed men hiding their true desires and the unfortunate consequences that followed. I said, as I have many times before, that a population of men secretly jerking off to porn or frequenting strip clubs really doesn’t accomplish much for men or women.

Well, the news this week conspired to take my point and magnify it about a billion times over. I really never thought I would get in my car to drive my son to 1st grade, turn on sports radio, and then quickly have to turn it off because the non-stop discussion had turned to pedophilia.

I was proud of our story “We Are?” by a Penn State professor heartbroken by the first shot across the bow of his fabled sports program. But that was the first day. Now we are on day three and the thing has spiraled completely out of control. Paterno is stepping down. The talk is of dozens if not hundreds of children who were abused. The guys on the sports talk radio are saying no other sports scandal—not the Black Sox, not Miami hookers, not O.J. Simpson—comes close to the magnitude of this one.

That may or may not be true. But my question is: what does the scandal say about us as men and our inability to get honest about lust?

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Pedophilia is obviously male lust turned completely inside out in the most vile and destructive manner possible. I don’t pretend to understand it. I can only report what I have learned by talking to those who have been involved first hand in those situations and the works of art that attempt to get at what it is all about.

The most profound of those experiences was spending countless hours with a close friend who came forward early on as a victim naming names to the Boston Globe spotlight team that was the first to report the pattern of pedophilia in the Catholic Church. (“The First to Come Forward”).

Here is a recent conversation I had with my friend, who I affectionately call “Princess”:

What is a good man?

A good man is compassionate, strong, empathetic, smart, non-judgmental.

What inspired you at the very beginning to confront this?

Anger. I was really tired of carrying it; it felt really heavy. And anger at the institution that protected my perpetrator. Anger at him. Anger at myself, maybe, that I had allowed it to go on for so long. Anger that I had never done anything about it. The other reason was that this is continuing today with other children. I think that every time one person speaks up, it’s more difficult for that crime to happen and for someone to get away with it. So I think every voice counts.

In terms of your capacity to love and connect? Do you feel like that’s been repaired?

No. I don’t. (Laughter.) Since you asked. I think it’s better. I don’t think I’m fixed. (Laughter.) I think that I have good days and bad days, more good days. It’s a process. I certainly don’t feel like I’m falling apart like I did when I started doing the work on this. I certainly don’t feel like I’ve got this big secret weighing me down that I’m carrying around like I did for so many years before I dealt with it.

As far as my ability to trust or love, it’s better. But it’s not perfect, and I’m not as afraid of being hurt, exploited. I don’t see myself as a victim. I think—and I never thought this consciously, but—I think I saw myself as this scared kid my whole life, or I was a scared kid. And I don’t see myself that way.

How has all this changed how you view men’s capacity for evil? Do you think you’re more critical of human nature at this point, or more hopeful?

Sometimes I think of the man who exploited me and divorce myself from the situation and think of all the different things he did to all these different children. And I’m amazed that one person could do so many evil actions. But now I feel much more hopeful because I did something. I also saw a lot of good things in my journey—people who helped me, people who did kind things for other people going through this. I feel more hopeful about the human race.

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The other experience which informs whatever limited view I have on pedophilia is the book and film Little Children. I happened to be fortunate enough to see the film prior to its general release and attend a talk by author Tom Perrotta. The film is about a stay-at-home dad who ends up cheating on his wife with a mom from the playground. But it is also is at its heart about pedophilia.

Ronnie, played by Jackie Earle Haley, returns to the neighborhood to live with his mom and try to “be good.” That struggle was the most riveting part of the film to me, for the brutal honesty of the portrayal. When I asked Perrotta about the actor who played Ronnie, he explained that Haley had made a name for himself in Breaking Away and Bad News Bears and then gotten sick with Chromes Disease (which accounts for his strange appearance) and struggled with addiction before they tracked him down for the role. A few months later he was nominated for the Oscar for best supporting actor.

What was so chilling to me was the abject fear in the parents upon realizing there is a pedophile in their midst, and the abject fear in Ronnie himself as he struggles with his own demons. It’s hard to feel any compassion for a pedophile but the film makes the viewer at least consider the possibility.

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In light of what has happened at Penn State, I can’t help but wonder if this horrible case isn’t somehow connected to our inability to tell the truth about male lust. The male urge to have sex is suppose to be put in a box and hidden in a closet somewhere—whether you are gay or straight. There is a cost to pay for that dishonesty.

A man in his 70s–who been married three times and divorced three times and had taken to frequenting massage parlors—once told me with regard to male sexuality, “Nature abhors of a vacuum.”

By that I think he meant that you can try to deny who you really are sexually but it will end up coming out sideways in some perverse and unintended way. Maybe if you can’t talk openly to your wife about sex, you end up at a strip club. Maybe if your faith requires you to remain celibate, you end up raping boys. Or maybe if you run a football program steeped in tradition, when someone tells you a kid has been raped in your locker room shower by a retired coach you look the other way.

Folks, there’s a huge presumption that’s not being addressed here: the view that pedophilia – a recognized and fairly well understood mental disorder – is somehow the result of normative sexual functioning. Lust is a normal sensation, one which is completely natural and healthy. The compulsion to have sex with prepubescent shildren is neither normal, natural, nor healthy. NOTHING in the medical sciences, as far as I’ve seen, indicates that there’s a connection between pedophilia and lust. Furthermore, it’s frightening to me how badly people seem to need the allegation against Sandusky to be proven true. At this point, a… Read more »

I don’t think people want the allegations against Sandusky to be proven true. I think there is a lot of strong information from a wide variety of people that seemed to know of Sandusky’s possible (and lets be honest, most likely) proclivities and the real fear comes from giving Snadusky unjust sympathy that he might not deserve in the face of a crime that most of us consider beyond reproach. This isn’t like a person on trial for being party to a possible burglary.

Tom asked: “..what does the scandal say about us as men and our inability to get honest about lust?” The Penn state situation is particularly interesting because the big game players are infact men. It shows a social dynamic about how men, in this case, interacted with each other when confronted with the perverted lust of one of their own. Baring that in mind, I don’t think the Penn state situation is a commentary on male lust from the perspective of Sandusky. I don’t think most men, even in their own struggles with lust, would all the sudden turn pedophile… Read more »

It’s every bit as much of an old and YOUNG girls club as it is an old man/young man’s club. Notice Sue Paterno and all those babes fanatically crying buckets for their deluded old goat. Football players/coaches everywhere and always play for the adoration of women…women who hold that almighty weapon of war between their legs. Sandusky’s boys were easily seduced because they too hoped to be ‘big guys’ someday so they could get some ‘love’ from women. Before you show ‘social dynamics’ I suggest you do some serious research on who drives men.

I’m sorry but did I read this wrong or did you just imply that the young children that were raped by Sandusky “allowed” a grown man to do such things to them in the hopes that they could get “love” from women? You really couldn’t have just said that right? I am not saying that if a woman had been involved in the situation, it would have turned out different. My guess would be that it wouldn’t have. I am also not talking about the people that are so blinded by the legend of a team and a coach, that… Read more »

Perhaps this has already been said, but all these comments are too wordy–I want to get right to it. This sounds an awful lot like the same old excuses as always. “Men commit sexual assault because SOCIETY TRIES TO CONTROL THEIR WILD SEXUAL NATURE!” So the man is controlled either by society OR his sexual nature, but he certainly isn’t responsible. Look, I’m a sex-positive person who believes that people should feel more free to talk about sexuality and not feel sexual shame. However, as I said above in another thread, men are statistically more likely to commit EVERY TYPE… Read more »

I agree absolutely. It’s a self hating guy who says his lust controls him unless it has an outlet (of his choosing, I presume?) And men blame feminists for depicting them as beasts? Men aren’t any less in control of their lust than women. It is about power and control.

All human cultures come up with ways to control expression of sexuality. The ways they do that vary greatly. Some cultures are quite open sexually, others are quite repressed, but it does seem that unbridled expression of lust is seen as dangerous in some way. Rules, it seems, are always needed for who people have sex with, when, where and how – even in societies where people are fairly open to having a variety of sexual relationships. I’m also curious about what Tom envisions as a society where male lust is “free” (i.e. without rules or constraints). Would it be… Read more »

I have a problem with the idea that it’s male (sexual) lust that becomes misdirected and perverted. Abuse happens when someone is seeking dominance, power, and control; not sexual release. Institutions of power strip people of their empathy. Another problem I have is about being open about strictly male lust. What about female lust? There is such a wide spectrum of lust, can we say we know absolutely what male lust is? Can we say we know absolutely what female lust is? I don’t even know what it is you’re talking about, Tom. Does it mean that we need to… Read more »

Steph you are reading a lot more into my question than I intend. I of course believe that female lust is every bit as important as male lust, and has been twisted in equally damaging ways. I am not saying that male lust should free men to act with no moral compass. I am saying that in fact many men are acting in ways now that beyond being morally wrong if you want to look at it that way are also just self destructive at best and destructive to others at worst. My point is that perhaps if we actually… Read more »

Pedophilia is obviously male lust turned completely inside out in the most vile and destructive manner possible. I don’t pretend to understand it. No, it is not. Pedophilia is the sexual attraction to prepubescent children, and it has nothing to do with being male, nor it is a uniquely male behavior. I understand that people here have a hard time accepting that women rape children and will search for every chance to excuse, downplay, ignore or condone it. I also understand that people here love to treat me as a collective unit that thinks the same thing. But at this point it… Read more »

Sexual child abuse or physical abuse? In a way, I’d say they come from the same root issue. Men commit more sexual abuse. Women, physical? Are the actual stats even on both? Regardless, It’s about power and dominance and a lack of empathy that both men and women can participate in. That being said, I cannot see how this issue, or say the issues with the Church are connected to lust. I see them as being connected to a closed and insular system which is driven by greed and a need for subservience in it’s members, often lead by a… Read more »

No, sex and love are not primarily about power and dominance (‘male’) or control and subjugation (‘female’). The are about SEX or LOVE. For god sakes, Sandusky kissed his boys victims on the mouth. That represents some sort of twisted need to give or receive love…and likewise his sex crimes. Feminist nonsense about (‘patriarchal’) power and dominance seem to have confused whole generations. We need to start over, toss feminists bigots to the dogs or cats as the case may be and start with fresh slates. These topics are confusing enough without having ‘activist’ frauds cooking the books for perverted… Read more »

Women’s breasts don’t exist to cock tease you. Should I ask the question, why were those 10 year old boys in shorts, cock teasing Sandusky? Or girl infants in diapers cock teasing their incestuous fathers? Gay men could say the same about you if you wear tight jeans or take off your shirt. Is being sexually aroused and not getting to do anything about it THAT painful to you? Do you really, cognitively, see it as a crime? I doubt it. Or you need to be locked up.

The more I read about this scandal, including new allegations that the coaches were offering boys out to donors, (http://nyc.barstoolsports.com/random-thoughts/penn-state-scandal-spiraling-out-of-control-sandusky-and-second-mile-pimping-out-young-boys-to-rich-donors/) the less I can connect this to male lust for sexuality in any way and only to power, to money, to an entire system of such toxicity that it boggles the mind. Trading children for donor dollars? Buying and selling kids? If this is true it is such a breach of human ethics I don’t have words. That Paterno was considered untouchable…of course the regents have been trying to take him down for 10 years. Clearly they knew what he… Read more »

This discussion is interesting, but it leaves out a strong possibility – that as long as our society is male-dominated, men will commit most of these acts of sexual perversion. I’d like to believe the The Good Men Project believes in equal rights for women and respects feminism, but I don’t see much evidence of it. I’ve read several of your articles, Tom, and you use a lot of sexist language. Terms like balls, man and wife, macho, and mankind privilege men over women. They are very demeaning. So before we talk about male lust, we need to talk about… Read more »

You really need to get educated on this topic. Your website at times is really off the mark, I’m disappointed in this piece. Before you try to write about sexual violence, you should speak to experts in the field, as well as survivors, so that you can understand it from all sides. There is a wealth of knowledge in the field that you’re missing, and therefore by writing like this, you’re actually perpetuating myths and not doing any justice to anyone on this topic.

I saw the film awhile ago as well, and adored it’s honesty. It was beautiful and challenging to watch the pedophile character – but his story was not ‘the story’. Lust and what it can do to us, whether it is sickness or desire, were the themes. The female lead found it/herself in the pedophile: bored and alone in suburbia, she slowly opens to the idea of desire for a man-who-is-not-her-husband. This is liberating, exciting, a rebirth of desire healthy sexuality. Eventually, that builds, it’s consummated. She discusses Madame Bovary in her suburban wive’s book club and is surprised to… Read more »

Karin what a beautiful comment. I agree with you about the film. It lays bare desire on all sides without resolution or moral conclusion. I too think sex which is love is difficult and being a good man is to stand in the face of cruelty. But I’m an optimist by nature or I never would have started GMP.

Karin, about apes. Yes. I said below what i didn’t want to believe about human beings. But I’m also aware that we do share traits with some of our closest relatives. I can’t recall if we are closer to actual chimps (very violent, intentional about violence etc) or Bonobos (more pleasure seeking, less violent) or if was an equal split. Maybe we received traits from both and that’s the struggle inside us. Maybe every few hundred years we decide to lift up a bit from our baser instincts and reach a fulcrum and grow more towards peace, altruism, empathy and… Read more »

Re apes: humans are equally related to chimps and bonobos. Our line split off from the common ancestor of chimps and bonobos around 5 million years ago. Chimps and bonobos split off from each other about a million years ago.

Tom, I’m very grateful to have discovered your writing, and I love the overall topic of finding a more honest space for conversation about male lust and male sexuality. There is so much to explore and discuss about healthy men searching for the most healthy ways to express desire, longing, etc. But as you do, I would suggest that the topic above would be better categorized some other way. More like, see under male mental health, or male abnormal psychology. It muddies the waters to try to have a conversation about healthy sexual desire among which men who seem fairly… Read more »

Greg: There is a difference between being honest about lust and being mentally ill, true enough. But I think how we all respond to the sexual deviant is still influenced by how attuned we are to healthy sexuality in the first place. I certainly agree that sex drive is connected to the need for love and connection in general. But because we twist and hide, it gets all messed up. Sex is an expression of love and connection. Yet, porn and the sex trade is exploding. There is no love or connection in that, obviously. But yet the market is… Read more »

Well, I do think there’s a continuum in terms of how much love and connection can be found in things like porn and the sex trade. I was one of the signers on the NYTimes letter calling for the Village Voice to take down its adult ads section because it may encourage or at least fail to prevent child sex trafficking, so I’m with you there (http://www.groundswell-movement.org/nyt-ad/). But I did have a very thoughtful trans-identified young woman write to me arguing that trans and queer individuals may not actually benefit so much as we think from shutting down all forms… Read more »

CL you really don’t think that human connection, affinity, love, compassion etc are all occasional? I’m using love in a broad way here. Do you? Why is this always an either/or with you guys. Sex? Seems pretty necessary. Love, connection as part of sex and also not part of sex, also seems to be a pretty common theme throughout group development and most of humanity. We aren’t like pandas who live completely isolated lives. We seek groups and connection. Sex can and is a part of that. Love is a part of sex sometimes. Sex is a part of love… Read more »

I subscribe to the theory that sex, love, power, freedom, and fun are all essential needs that every normal human is ALWAYS working to fulfill in one way or another. To get and to beget are the primary motivations that all humans share. Women generally have lower sex drives than men (especially as they age into sexless old crones) but for men sex often seems impossible to live without. That means that for women sex is the PRIMARY power they wield over men since the NO person in the relationship commands the relationship. What men need to do is balance… Read more »

I disagree. You will die without food, you won’t die without sex. You are claiming that men are helpless against their sexual drives. That is only true if you believe it. Tired of beautiful women having all the power? Stop giving them power.

Men may not die without sex but plenty of em sure do kill other men FOR (female) sex. I’m not claiming anything of the sort. I’m merely stating the obvious which is that men desire sex more than women do thanks to the biological realities. It’s true because the evidence everywhere supports it. I’m all for stopping beautiful women from having all the power but one solution which involves forcing beautiful woman to do the dangerous, dirty and UGLY work so that men CAN become more powerful is ‘problematic’ for the female supremacists. No beautiful woman I know dreams of… Read more »

Re making women less sexy and more equal: would you ever want to date an unsexy woman who worked on a sewer crew? I’m not being sarcastic, I’m really curious. I keep asking this question when the topic comes up, and I never get an answer. In the abstract, you may argue that women should work hazardous, dirty jobs that are now primarily held by men. But in reality, I suspect you (assuming you are a typical guy) would continue to be attracted only to women who are stereotypically “soft” and feminine. Preschool teacher -yes; hazmat specialist – big no.

It isn’t sexual VIOLENCE. It is sexual robbery, robbery which sometimes employs violence or vice as a means to the end. Most low status men and some ugly women suffer from sex deficits relative to the high status men and beautiful women who can easily get all the sex they desire. SOME males and females who suffer from sex deficits choose to steal sex from others. Nothing complicated or particularly deviant about rape unless one steals sex from children. Robbery is simply easier than fighting or working for it. Male-female rape is simply the common crime of robbing the resource… Read more »

You’re equating rape with theft? I beg to differ, and I’ll bet the Penn State boys would too. I would rather have someone use me for money than tear open my anus with their dick multiple times. Get a grip.

Beautiful and intense clips. I’ll see the film. Things that come to mind are shark imagery (the first clip) but also maybe yeah, OCD taking childhood experiences, family of origin issues and yes turning healthy sexuality (how ever we describe healthy at this point in America) inside out. Where to start then?
Both and.
Intense.

If good men ever want to get serious about dealing with child sexual abuse directly and honestly – never mind preventing it in the first place to keep kids safe (and mostly men, safe from themselves) – we have to look seriously the stark reality of why it is mostly men who sexually abuse children. Voices here at the Good Men Project seem to ask and debate this hard and important question: why most sexual violence is perpetrated by men. If you want to try to understand pedophilia – and where it and lust might fit in the spectrum of… Read more »

Thanks for this. I’m of the opinion that it’s more the culture of “money, idolatry and looking the other way” than about genders, but I’ll read your link. I hate thinking of men as predators, when I know there are millions of men out there who are not.
But there are some who are, just as there are some women who are. That’s the terrible intersection, where a true predator finds himself in a position of power due to that culture of money and prestige.

I tend to agree with you. When I heard about the Penn State scandal, I thought, here’s another example of the unforuntate dynamics that occur in power structures, or corporations: people align themselves with power, even if that means shutting up when they should speak out. They enable, and collude, with all kinds of abuses of power for fear of being exiled from the power structure if they do. The worship of these powerful figures defies reason: I was revolted by the TV interviews of the male Penn State students last night. All but one denounced the decision to fire… Read more »

Well, one important thing to consider when considering why sexual abuse is perpetrated by more men than women is that more men commit crimes IN GENERAL than women. In the book “Incognito” by neuroscientist David Eagleman, we learn that men are eight times more likely to commit aggravated assault, ten times more likely to commit murder, thirteen times more likely to commit armed robbery…those are non-sexual crimes, and yet men are far more likely to commit them than women. So why do more men commit crimes of a sexual nature? I don’t believe it’s because of male lust…because then why… Read more »

Because men have to fight for status since women offer sex hypergamously. Men love to have sex with beautiful women. Beautiful women prefer have sex with beasts. Behind every war is a Helen of Troy. You can be sure that behind many of the crimes men commit is some women who is stoking the crime. The winner gets the girl because the girl never offers sex to losers.

It ain’t no stark reality that mostly men sexually abuse children. The stats show that there is reason to believe that women commit child abuse far closer to par with men. Feminist bigots will never willingly allow that kind of heresy to see the light of day. Female forms of sexual assault are rarely acknowledged since females are widely but incorrectly seen as incapable of rape. However, the 2004 USDE report on Educator Sexual Misconduct shows female sex crimes as high as 47% with a ridiculously wide range to the low side. Canadian researchers show 33% or more of child… Read more »

from the study you, yourself, mention, John Doe: .2 Sex of offenders. Sex of offenders is documented in three types of studies: analysis of newspaper reports or state education disciplinary records; surveys orinterviews of adults; and surveys of students. Three studies examined public records. Jennings and Tharp (2003) searched educator sexual misconduct discipline proceedings of 606 teachers in Texas; 12.7 percent were females and 87.3 percent males. The Hendrie (1998) analysis of 244 cases in newspapers in a six month period reports a higher proportion of female offenders than the later Jennings and Tharp analysis; 20 percent were female offenders… Read more »

Table 8 shows an utterly ridiculous range of female sex offenses from 43% (near par) to 4%. (Sorry for the 47% mistake). These kind of absurd statistics show that very little is known about female sex crimes to date. That’s probably because as is reported by many women who DO research female sex crimes the repression from other women to the research is vociferously repressive. It’s also far more difficult for boys or girls raped by women to report the crime because women are falsely seen as the saint-sex whereas feminists have successfully demeaned ALL men as potential pedophile or… Read more »

Well, that’s great and all. I’m all for people being able to express themselves. I am completely for love, consensuality and honesty. But what happens when you have a man who wants things from a woman or women, and frankly they don’t want to pony up for whatever reason? Are women or the recipients of male lust to be responsible for whatever happens if those needs are met? The “consequences” you mention? Because that doesn’t seem quite fair to me, Tom. And I’m not saying you are saying that directly, I am surely not saying that, but it is something… Read more »

You are welcome Julie. The research on what role sexuality plays in pedophilia or other forms of sexual abuse of children committed by adults unfortunately is just emerging… and does little to help us understandi t in any satisfactory way. But there is research to help us shine some light through the smoke. Children, families, women and men who need and want help depend on it…. never mind the human and financial costs to our society from sexual abuse of children.

Also, and I might be picking nits here, but is this really about sexual lust? Or lust for power that has an immediate reward in sexual gratification? Is there a difference? I suspect there is, but I’d love to hear your take on it.

I don’t think it’s lust for power. I think it’s lust misdirected and perverted. Again, I don’t know enough about pedophilia to be qualified to answer much. I have one dear friend who was a victim and saw a great film. Beyond that I just have to try to guess. But, again, my belief is that sex can be a consensual and beautiful thing. We just have it all twisted around. I may be hopelessly optimistic but really what do we have to lose in a world of sexual exploitation? How about a little love and honesty? “I sometimes wonder… Read more »

And if so, if suppressing natural drives leads to a perversion of those drives (a point I’m not sure I’m qualified to dig into), what do we do? How do we allow for male (and yes, female) lust but also how do we allow for non sexual sensuality which is completely missing in our culture? How do we allow for it with respect for consent on the part of the desired? My instinct says that priests aren’t raping boys because they aren’t allowed to sleep with women, but that they are raping boys because they are allowed to do so.… Read more »