The Paradise Report: Take-Aways From Bachelor in Paradise Week 3

There are times, watching Bachelor in Paradise, that you just have to blink a couple times and yell, "What am I watching?" I think there were probably six full minutes, cumulatively, of crab footage last night—and those are there to remind us that we are essentially staring at an aquarium for three hours a week. There just happen to be humans in it too. Here are the things that actually happened on this week's episodes:

The people came for Joe. Look, if you'd been stranded on the beach for weeks in a slightly more glamorous Castaway situation, you too might be eager to jump into some mob mentality madness over two people texting before filming began. Take away people's phones, tell Jorge to double up the rum shots, and before you know it, you've got the mob from Beauty and the Beast ramming a log against Joe's door. The hilarious thing about this Joe hullaballoo is that the contestants haven't even seen his real a-hole moments, which all take place in the confessional (producers apparently have dozens of "I forgot Juelia's name" soundbites to choose from). But really, isn't all this just a distraction from the real issue at hand?

Tanner returned to his roots. Producers let Tanner spend three weeks just drinking out of coconuts and texting his friends back home "No s—t I'm with the Playboy one bro!" But now it's time to get to work. And it's good to see him back in his classic gossipy narrator role.

We were subjected to close-up crotch shots. I hope I never come across the print evidence of this photo shoot Joe and Samantha pretzeled around each other for. Especially after producers opted to shove our faces into the inseams of their khaki shorts. We understand that they're junk to junk, guys. We don't need the zoom.

Also, did they have chemistry? Because I know the editors were instructed to rave here, but when I look at these two look at each other, I feel like I'm browsing glass eyes.

The raccoon bit died a sad, lame death. I just—stop this. It's not funny. And which poor sucker on staff had to hand over their smart phone to the raccoon's clammy claws? Probably whoever promised that Lauren Iaconetti wouldn't flame out in two episodes.

Megan blew into town! Never a dull moment with this one, largely because it seems like at any moment she might shout something hugely racist.

It became clear why most of these guys are here: they have no idea how to talk about women. JJ enthusiastically said, after Megan asked him out, that he'd go on a date with a trash bag. Even Joe's comebacks are misogynistic: "I have a sister that's way more intelligent than you are." (Wait, Joe's not "the smart one" in his family?) Carly's out there talking about Kirk being the beginning of her life's great love story, and Kirk's calling Carly a pinball machine.

Amber and Dan are boring me already. Never couple up the two people most willing to sell lines fed to them by producers and make out on the little tape marks producers put on the ground.

Samantha has never heard of putting your friends first. But cheer up, Juelia—you can afford to lose this one. Ninety percent of being friends with Samantha is making sure her hair doesn't get stuck in the pool filter.