(A customer comes into our sandwich shop. Instead of ordering at the counter, he sits down and spends 15 minutes staring at us from the table. However, he ignores all of our attempts to talk to him. Finally, he storms up to the register where I am and starts yelling.)

Customer: “When the f*** is one of your waiters going to take my f***ing order? I’ve been waiting here for half an hour!”

Me: “Sir, we don’t have waiters. You have to come up to the register to take your order. I’ll be happy to take your order for you, and we’ll probably have it ready before you finish paying.”

Customer: “No, my friend told me this is a classy joint! Classy joints have waiters! Now get a f***ing waiter out here or I’m leaving!”

Me: “Sir, we don’t have waiters, and if you insist on swearing at me I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

(I occasionally hire the 19-year-old niece of one of my friends to help me around the store during vacations. She’s quite frail and shy, but it isn’t too much of a problem since many of my customers are regulars and know (and like) her. One busy day, a peculiar lady whom I’ve never seen comes in and goes straight to the girl.)

Customer: “I want a double cheeseburger, a Coke, and a chocolate donut.”

(Before I can do anything, the customer PUNCHES my niece in the face, hard enough to make the girl fall on her back and hit her head on a cooler. However, two of my regulars, who are uniformed policemen, grab the customer.)

Customer: “What are you doing?!”

Regular #1: “Ma’am, what you just did is an aggravated assault. If this girl is seriously wounded, you face a fine and jail time. Please don’t resist.”

(My friend’s niece ended up breaking her glasses and four of her teeth due to her fall. She refused to come back to work after that, which saddened both me and the regulars. At least she got a small measure of justice thanks to the police officers.)