Frank Mulligan: New Christmas carol lyrics urgently needed

Frank Mulligan

Wednesday

Dec 22, 2010 at 12:01 AMDec 22, 2010 at 10:16 PM

The disturbing images, graphic depictions of street life and psychologically hurtful barbs that masquerade as music assail our young people from all directions. I’m writing, of course, about Christmas carols.

The disturbing images, graphic depictions of street life and psychologically hurtful barbs that masquerade as music assail our young people from all directions. I’m writing, of course, about Christmas carols.

Sure, they seem innocent enough. But so do pine needles until they clog up the free flow of rainwater through your gutters and cause the very foundation of the home you worked so hard to share with the bank to crack, leaving you to fend for survival on the streets, vying with stray dogs for the offal left in refuse dumpsters behind abandoned mill buildings.

So how do pine needles look now?

It only takes a little digging beneath the surface to excavate the potential harm to the young and impressionable posed by the lyrics to many Christmas “classics.” Take “Santa Claus is Coming to Town,” for just one example. It opens thus:

“You better watch out,

You better not cry,

Better not pout,

I’m telling you why,

Santa Claus is coming to town.”

OK, let’s threaten children with some unstated retribution for being honest with their emotions. Sure, that’s a sound psychological practice. Then there are these lines:

“He’s making a list,

And checking it twice,

Gonna find out who’s naughty and nice,

Santa Claus is coming to town.”

This is clearly an incitement to paranoia, as well as an indictment of big government and its ability to manipulate our lives that’s clearly too sophisticated for the innocent mind of a small child. But that’s not enough cognitive pressure to apply to the delicate psyche of a developing mind. No, there’s more:

“He sees you when you’re sleeping,

He knows when you’re awake,

He knows if you’ve been bad or good,

So be good for goodness sake.”

OK, now you’re telling a child that privacy is illusory, that some all-seeing, maniacal old man is peering at them while they are slumbering in utter vulnerability. They are also left with the morally ambiguous message that they should be “good” to avoid retaliation from a guy who’s probably standing over them the minute they drift off to sleep, brandishing weaponry that can only be imagined.

The “song” closes with a repetition of the opening lines:

“You better watch out,

You better not cry,

Better not pout,

I’m telling you why,

Santa Claus is coming to town,

Santa Claus is coming to town.”

This is clearly a form of psychological conditioning that can only impress upon the child the hopelessness of his or her situation.

So what can be done? It’s time to package Christmas carol lyrics with warning labels. In this case, something along the lines of the following may be in order: