Intensity is an attempt to attain satisfaction through extremes of strain, struggle, and effort. In impaired relationships, we equate the struggle of power, control, rage, anticipation, extremes, and excitement with intimacy. The initial “in love” experience is much closer to intensity than to intimacy.

Intimacy occurs whenever we live in truthfulness, transparency, vulnerability, and responsibility. Many would rather engage in the strain of intensity, which is self-reliant, than the courageous work of intimacy, which involves the exposure of limitation.