Rash Conclusions

Drop me into a vacation and I’m bound to jump around a hotel room naked, flinging clothes all over the place. Oh, it’s not quite like that — think less Moulin Rouge and more chimpanzee. I don’t know how I manage to pack every piece of clothing that makes an outfit into different suitcases, but I do. I’m nothing if not consistent. It is also always the case that I’m dripping wet right out of the shower because thoughts on previous travels of my suspiciously white towel gross me out.

It was on one such vacay moment that I was accosted by a full-length mirror. Somewhere between the maze of stretch marks and tan lines I saw them — purplish-red polka dots with hazy auras. In other words, a rash. To say I panicked some would be fair. I jolted Big Byte out of his five-course-meal siesta.

NP: “Big B, wake up…I’m dying!”

BB: “What the?”

NP: *flashes skin painted like kindergarten vegetable printing*

BB: “You ate too much?”

NP: “What the? No! These ghastly hives…Look!”

BB: *groggy and unimpressed*

NP: “A deadly virus taking over my body. Hormonal glitch. No, must be skin cancer. I knew I shouldn’t have skimped on the sunscreen. Fuck.”

BB: “Oh, that eh? Well, no need to come to any rash conclusions, or is it rash conclusion? hehe”

NP: *fires patented lethal glare*

BB: “uh…probably just an allergic reaction to something you ate.”

Allergies. In my thirties? Yeah well, I didn’t expect to have two kids by my thirties either. Bring it on. But, what could I possibly have eaten? A quick rehash of recent meals revealed two common themes — chocolate and wine. Chocolate and wine? I’m allergic to chocolate and wine? Somebody order a cake and hire a band for my funeral because now, without a smidgeon of doubt, I’m dying.

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4 thoughts on “Rash Conclusions”

I could so relate to this…I discovered I had allergies a few years ago- no rashes or hives but stuffy nose and a whole lotta sneezing. i blamed sinuses all along so when the allergist confirmed, I gawked at her.
apparently I am allergic to everything, barring cats. so when i told the doc that my kids wanted a dog-this was her response….
“please tell your children that if they get a dog, mommy will die”
of course that was the last I saw of her.

gah! that’s terrible. I hope you’ve found a regimen that works well for you. My journey’s barely begun and I already feel frustrated.

I haven’t been to an allergist yet — all speculation. For all I know, the rash could be a sign that the Mother Ship has finally deemed me worthy of recruitment. But on a more promising note, I broke out into a rash on my face last night *without* having imbibed a drop of wine in the previous 48 hours, so Woo to the Hoo! Is it pathetic that I’m actually relieved about this? Ok, yeah, probably.

But did you have chocolate???? At one time in my childhood I broke into hives whenever I drank a Coca Cola, but i outgrew that one. How long does the rash last? Does it go away on its own? Please go see your doctor before you frighten yourself and us to death!

dear dipali, the doc loaded me with antihistamines and steroids and the rash seems to have succumbed to the chemical warfare. I’m pissed that I don’t know what caused it, but for now I’ll settle for binging on my favorite vices. Maybe I’m just allergic to vacations, and considering there isn’t one in the near future, I’d say I’m safe!