Zombies, beef jerky and saving the motherland

We got Bin Laden, so it's time to focus on our next great enemy — zombies.

We got Bin Laden, so it's time to focus on our next great enemy — zombies.

I'm not kidding. Our federal government — aka you and I — paid police and first responders to attend a "zombie apocalypse" training exercise in October.

The Department of Bonehead Security allowed these agencies to use $1,000 of urban security grants to pay for the five-day event, held in a fancy San Diego resort.

Forty actors were hired to play the zombies, make-up and all. They stumbled around like rejects from "The Night of the Living Dead" as camouflage-decked strike forces gunned down every last rotting flesh fiend they could.

The event was staged by HALO, a California-based

company founded by former special operations, national security, and intelligence personnel, according to its website.

Its mission: security and counter-terrorism training.

So why the zombies?

To accustom first responders to "extreme medical conditions" they may face in situations where people become crazed and violent.

Oy vey.

What is it about public service that makes some brains turn into foie gras?

How about the federal government, aka you and I, building a robotic squirrel to see how rattlesnakes treat them?

That only cost us slightly less than $325,000.

U.S. Sen. Tom Coburn, R-OK, detailed this and many other abuses of public funds in his 2012 Waste Book.

Abuses like food stamps being used to pay for Starbucks' espresso macchiatos, Budweiser and condoms.

The National Science Foundation, aka you and I, gave $1.2 million to researchers to study whether seniors playing hours of World of Warcraft, a video game, improved their memories.

It didn't.

Any parent could have told them that.

An ongoing Pentagon project is trying to develop — get this — the best darn beef jerky on earth, fit for our fighters. The reason?

"To improve the U.S. war fighter's capabilities by testing items and technologies of our foreign allies that have a high Technology Readiness Level that could satisfy mission area shortcomings."

The only shortcoming I anticipate is a lack of latrines.

The National Institutes of Health spent $667,000 to study the effect of watching television reruns on seniors.

They advised too much TV could lead to poor health and social

relationships. I could have told them that for the price of some Cheez Doodles and Monster energy drinks.

All these nutty expenditures take money away from truly needy Americans, some of whom go without enough food, heat and medicines while we spend $1 million a year to study the best food for