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Relational Patterns Can Often Repeat - No Matter How Unwanted

Experiences from the past can sometimes haunt us in the present and future whether we like it or not

As a psychologist, I have learned many things about human behavior that I find very interesting and amazing. One such aspect deals with how generational patterns of relating repeat themselves, sometimes with pinpoint accuracy. I am sure many of you may be aware of this phenomenon when considering alcoholism and those that have been sexually abused. These generational patterns seem pervasive in our day and age. One only need pick up a newspaper and read about yet another case where perpetrator was a victim of the same kind of abuse that he or she is caught in the act of doing.

I recently had a client who came to an insightful realization after his marriage failed. Through therapy, we discovered that as a result of his wife's first sexual experience of being raped and the fact that she did not seek help or report it until months later that the pattern of abuse was primed to be set in motion. What he learned was that the rape, although completely unsolicited, would end up being a relational pattern that unfortunately would repeat over and over again.

As a result of the rape she was unable to have what he labeled "healthy sexual relationships" with anyone following that trauma. She reacted to the trauma by being verbally abusive to all subsequent men, which resulted in them feeling stripped of their masculinity so much so that the end result was violence. He had the occasion to speak with two of her former sexual partners and learned that while neither of them considered themselves violent individuals that the constant chiding, criticism and verbal abuse about them not being "man enough, long enough, hard enough, etc." eventually elicited rage induced, forceful sexual encounters that had all of them ending the relationship.

What I found interesting was that she never saw the situations, where she was the common denominator, as having anything to do with her. It was all about the men she attracted into her life where they all had sexual issues and found her sexually intimidating because as she put it "was very confident and comfortable in her expression of sexuality". In essence though, she had learned to relate to men sexually in a way that resulted in the sexual abuse being perpetuated. Even though it was extremely painful for my client to end his marriage, he found relief and what he considered a healthy and loving sexual relationship with a new partner.

This is just one example of how relational patterns can be discovered through therapy that can help bring about healing through understanding and insight. The client was able to successfully extract himself from being fully enmeshed with his wife and create and sustain healthy boundaries from that point forward.

1. Britt's makeup

Where does this girl get her makeup that she can cry that much and still look that annoyingly good?

David Moir/ABC

2. Carly is kind of mean!

Carly was one of my favorites, but she kind of came off as a bully on the Women Tell All. Don't get me wrong ... I still think she's hilarious.

Richard Carlson/ABC

3. Britt still seems like she's lying.

There's something about her … that's just not trustworthy. The fact that she's an actress doesn't help. She seems to be a really good one. Also, her tears stop too immediately to be real.

David Moir/ABC

4. Kelsey is still the worst.

She still can't comprehend why she sucks. I thought that she would actually come off as a real human being on the live show, but she still came off as an a*shole. I guess even editing can't be to blame for Kelsey.

David Moir/ABC

5. Juelia shut Kelsey down.

... And it was perfection. We didn't hear from her really all season and she killed it on the reunion.

Rick Rowell/ABC

6. Ashley I. is also kind of awesome.

She literally does not care what anyone thinks about her, and while she seemed catty on the show, it takes a lot to say exactly how you feel.

David Moir/ABC

7. Ashley S. is super weird IRL.

She's kind of hilarious though. Apparently she now grows onions … in Brooklyn.

David Moir/ABC

8. Ashley S. on Bachelor in Paradise!

Please God, let this happen … immediately.

David Moir/ABC

9. Kaitlyn had no jokes.

For the first time … Kaitlyn had nothing snarky to say. That interview pretty much solidified her for the next Bachelorette.

David Moir/ABC

10. Chris made it through a sentence!

For the first time all season…

David Moir/ABC

11. Chris' laugh sounds like a dolphin.

We knew it was annoying, but now we know Chris' doppelgänger.

David Moir/ABC

Where does this girl get her makeup that she can cry that much and still look that annoyingly good?