Thursday, August 13, 2009

Standing There Awkwardly With My Soaking Wet Shorts Stuck To My Skin

He stood there awkwardly, shivering, as I grabbed a towel out of the drier and glanced at him through the window. You know, the way that you stand when you get out of the pool and your shorts suction themselves against your skin, and goosebumps engulf your entire body as it tries to adjust to the summer breeze blowing across your back. The expression on his face illuminates his discomfort and he quietly moans under his breath as his means of coping while he waits for me to arrive with a towel.

I go outside and remove his soaked rash guard and swim trunks and wrap him tightly in an over-sized beach towel, then pull him in close to my chest and give him a light peck on his cheek.

He glances up and me, smiles, and blesses me with a grateful, "Thank you Mama."

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It was so much more for me than a sweet moment with my son...

It was so much more, well, because I know how he feels.

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Lately I have felt like I have spent much of my day standing there awkwardly with my shorts stuck to my skin. I can't pin point it for the life of me. It's so many things and yet nothing all... all at the same time.

I have been missing the ones that I have lost like crazy. This morning I was in the kitchen cleaning up after breakfast and it was all I could do to hold back tears, and cheerfully interact with my roommate. My three boys, my mom, I miss them at the most random and awkward of moments it seems. It's easy for me to let my guard down with Joey but I must confess that I have no idea how to be the me that randomly breaks down about my losses in front of others. All I know to do is to stand there awkwardly with my soaking wet shorts stuck to my skin.

I have been on edge with my children lately. I will confess that it is not really them as much as it is me. I will confess that I often forget that they are children and by golly they sure do childish things. They have this very strange problem that I can't imagine any other child in the world has... THEY HAVE A VERY HARD TIME LISTENING! Lately I have been overwhelmed by the feeling that although I think that I am talking to my children, it might be more true that I am talking to myself. And truth be told, it makes me feel really mad... then flustered... then teary-eyed. And once again I find myself standing in front of my non-listening children, at a loss for words, and today there was an added bonus with Reesie screaming in the background because the older kids had gone into her room while she was sleeping and woke her up in the middle of her nap. And all I wanted to do was break down and cry, but my pride wouldn't let me do so in front of my roommates... Again, standing there awkwardly with my soaking wet shorts stuck to my skin.

Although there are so many days that this house feels like a blessing, this week has felt like time after time of standing there awkwardly with my soaking wet shorts stuck to my skin.

Sometimes I wonder where the Lord is in all of this? Why does he leave me standing there awkwardly with my shorts stuck to my skin, freezing with the breeze brushing against my back?Today I heard His still small voice in my thoughts reminding me that I am right where I am meant to be. If I never stood there awkwardly with my shorts stuck to my skin, then He would never have to be there to strip my soaking wet clothes off and wrap me in His over-sized beach towel... and pull me in close to his chest... and kiss me oh so gently on my forehead.

In this giant house on the hill, He's slowly striping away the things in my heart that quite frankly are just yucky. He's stripping away the pride( that often refuses to ask anyone for help), the doubt (that he really is molding me into a woman that blesses him and brings glory to his name), the discontent (that often forgets all the things that I really do get to be thankful for).

SO... today God I am terrified… terrified of going through the fire for the purpose of being refined. I am calling out to you to be a voice of truth and freedom. Tell me to settle down, to trust you and to release every one of these fears into your arms of faith. I know it is impossible to invite others into a life of obedience if I am unable to live it myself – so today I am re-upping my commitment to obey and be faithful.

I am doing this out of the spirit that lives within – my will wants to hide out in my room and stay there for the next year. But I know that is not YOUR will. Send your angels to tend to me as I feel the temptation to trust myself today – with obedience I am choosing to trust you.

And I am willing to stand there awkwardly with my soaking wet shorts stuck to my skin as long as you need to keep me there to make me more like you.