3. The montage, which used the Cyrillic alphabet to list the names of famous Russian artists and inventions, was confusing to many. At what point did you finally figure out that the producers were not just screwing up their regular western ABCs?
A. The whole time, baby.
B. Right after my Dad told me to shut up and stop laughing at the Russians.
C. Never. I can recognize a Cyrillic alphabet in my sleep.
D. That was an alphabet?

10. What did the host Meredith Vieira not say during the unveiling of the Olympic symbols.
A. "Are those snowflakes or floating buttholes, Matt?"
B. "Matt? Floating buttholes, Matt?"
C. "Looks like one floating butthole didn't open, Matt -- a political message?
D. "I will apologize to no one, Matt."

11. True/false: Did you first consider that watching this whole thing was a terrible mistake during the interminable raising of the flag?

12. True/false: Do you know medieval Russia was not so wonderfully psychedelic?

13. Later that night, how angry were you when you realized NBC cut the segment with the giant crazy skating mascots; specifically, the horrifying blinking bear?
A. Mildly furious -- I like a good terrifying mascot as much as the next asshole.
B. Significantly furious -- I had my Twitter jokes all lined up.
C. Goddam furious -- my dog and I waited up all night for those.
D. Fucking furious -- I guess NBC stands for "Screw You, Viewer."

14. True/false: Did you die a little death when the thunderstorm of Peter the Great morphed into people dancing to War and Peace? Be honest. It's OK.

19. What did Meredith Vieira not say during the parade of nations:
A. "Should countries with just one athlete really be allowed in the Olympics, Matt?"
B. "So far I've counted eight fake countries, Matt -- oh, here comes 'Venezuela.' Nine."
C. "What are all those little rectangles they're holding, Matt?"
D. "An Australian has dreads -- that can't be good, Matt."

20. Did that part with the athletes projected in the stars remind you of a Dark Side of the Moon laser light show at a planetarium? If so, what are you, like 45? Please explain.

21. Was the number of dancing '50s hipsters on stage more or less than the actual number of hipsters in '50s Russia?

22. How many stray dogs wandered into the arena and sat in empty seats, watching the show?
A. 4, and it was adorable.
B. 20 -- still cute, but people were on notice.
C. 50 -- damn ominous; they watched in silence, unmoving.
D. 435 -- back to being cute; they had a whole section!

23. On the way to the light torch, Vladislav Tretiak stopped to:
A. Take off his shirt.
B. Fight a bear.
C. Drink vodka and sing songs with the locals.
D. Set fire to a dog.
E. All of the above.

24. How many times did Matt Lauer chuckle to himself and say, "In Russian Olympics, torch lights you?"
A. 1
B. 14, if you include those he mumbled under his breath.
C. 56, if you include those he said to his wife that night
D. 439, if you include those he said to his mirror the next day.

25. Which statement best describes your familiarity with the history of Russia, given how confused you were with the majority of the opening ceremony.
A. "Sputnik -- prog band?"
B. "How about those big Russian tractors?"
C. "I have been wrong about the alphabet all this time."
D. "Industrialization looks fun."

26. Ten years ago, did you ever think you would associate the workers of communism with the plumbers of Super Mario Bros. at the Olympics in Russia? Please explain to my parents.

27. How many Daft Punk songs do you think appeared in the opening ceremonies of Putin's Olympics in Russia in 2014?
A. 1
B. 2

27. Which host began a humorous aside with, "So, I was sitting on double toilet astride this Russian fellow when he pulled out a tub of peach Chobani ..."
A. Matt
B. Meredith