My own person hate.

By Anonymous, fredericksburg, VA

Image Credit: Ben C., Marblehead, MA

They always told me mom didn’t want to give me away but I just don’t believe that. I use to, don’t get me wrong, I tried giving her a chance. I use to believe she was an angel and was trying to get me back but I was young and dumb. Back then, I spent a lot of my time in her rundown shacks with my siblings and whichever guy she was with at the time. I was happy to say the least but with every year that passed, I started to notice the truth.

My mom can pretend to be someone else every second of everyday. Everyone has fell for her act before but everyone notices the woman behind the mask at some point. Some later than others but what’s bad is that she honestly believes she is the person she pretends to be. I don’t think she will ever actually stop pretending and admit that she is a bad person. She’s been blocking out the truth for years and there are no signs of her letting up.

My mom was seventeen when I was conceived and eighteen when I was born. Fourteen months later, I moved in with my great grandparents and my daddy. She officially stopped having custody a couple months before that. They said she wanted me back but there was no sign of her actually attempting it. She never filed for custody or took my dad to court. The deal was, she had to stop smoking weed but apparently, it was more important to her than her first born daughter.

Her sister, my aunt, and my legal guardian always told me she used to not be like that. They were best friends until after I was born and then she started going downhill. She started drinking, smoking, doing drugs, and sleeping around. My dad wasn’t her first and sure wasn’t her last. She liked to cheat, a lot. Their relationship went down the drain way before I turned one. He was dedicated to her but in all honesty, she showed no sign of caring. She cheated on him multiple times with a lot of his friends. It broke his heart but didn’t faze her at all.

I now have two sisters and one brother by my mom. The youngest two are the only two with the same dad but if my mom hadn’t gotten pregnant right after she had my second sister, I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t have the same father. My first sister was supposed to have the same dad as the others but because my mom likes to cheat, that didn’t happen. My mom decided to cheat on her boyfriend at the time with his best friend and with her luck, she got pregnant. She didn’t tell her boyfriend that their blond haired, blue eyed baby wasn’t his even though it was obvious.

Only about a year after my youngest brother was born, his dad went crazy one night. My mom made him so mad that he honestly wanted to kill her so she went to stay at my aunt’s house. She was in the room with the kids when he showed up and stayed there the whole time he was there. My uncle answered the door and because he was trying to be a hero, he was almost stabbed to death. You see, my mom’s boyfriend was on major drugs which multiplied his anger by a million, so when my uncle tried stopping him and calming him down, he was stabbed multiple times and almost died from blood loss.

My uncle is fine now but he will never forgive the kids dad. They were best friends and all because my mom wanted to cheat on her boyfriend, he almost died and now has to live with a lot of scars all over his body. The kids dad spent ten years in jail and in that one decade, my mom’s went through a lot of men and even gotten married! That didn’t last long though because her cheating ways once again conquered her relationship. She’s still married to that guy but she’s currently with one guy and also with another guy. The bad thing about that situation is that her first boyfriend knows she’s cheating on him but he’s too much of an idiot to leave her. I really don’t like the guy but he doesn’t deserve to be manipulated by her.

In the ten years the kid’s dad was away, she also lost custody of the kids for a year or so but unfortunately got them back. Now, she’s losing them again because she can’t take care of them anymore and their home is being auctioned off. My aunt and I are taking in my first sister and my grandma is taking in the younger two. We have made it very clear that she will not be getting them back at all. They do not deserve to be tortured by her. She made it very obvious when she didn’t save her money to rent a place for her children to live, she didn’t really want them anymore.

My first sister is better off living with us anyways because she’s f***ed up. She has some learning disabilities and is borderline schizophrenic. She is currently in the sixth grade and doesn’t know how to read or spell. Math isn’t an option for her because she doesn’t even know how to count. Her mind is one of a nine year old. It is my mom’s fault, anyone will tell you the same thing. She ruined her fetus by doing drugs while pregnant and they weren’t harmless drugs, they were pretty heavy and it honestly ruined my sister for the rest of her life. To add on to what my mom did to her, they had to put her on a bunch of medication as a new born because of a hole in her heart. It helped the hole but messed with her brain.

When she lived with my mom, my mom didn’t help her to learn or develop good social skills. Instead, she yelled at her, hit her, and treated her as the black sheep in the family. My mom didn’t even attempt to help but instead, gave up on her. We are going to help my sister learn so that she can live a normal life but since she’s already thirteen, we’re going to have a lot to work with. The other two are fine. They haven’t showed any signs of defects or learning disabilities that are as severe as my first sisters. They have also had the help they needed when they were young.

Sadly, I look like my mom. You see the resemblance when you look at her worn out face, tired eyes, and dead hair. I’m a mix of my mom and dad but when I and my mom stand side by side, there is a major resemblance and I hate it. You see that drugs have ruined her body; she looks older than she really is and probably feels older than she is. She fakes being sick all of the time and goes to the hospital constantly for medications. She has a major case of hypochondria. It’s all in her head though, a couple hospitals have said they can’t help her anymore. Add those medications with the illegal drugs she buys for herself, she is pretty messed up too.

She tries to tell us she is going to stop doing drugs but we all know is she lying. I think we all stopped believing what she says a long time ago, we just don’t let her know that. I’ve told her everything I’ve wanted to let her know before but she straight face looked at me and said that I was wrong and she never did anything that I had accused her of. She had the audacity to say that I was lying in front of all of the people who knew the truth and had told me the things she had done in the first place. Still, to this day, she denies ever doing anything wrong and still believes she is a good person.

It sucked growing up without a mom but I’m really lucky to have grew up without her in my life. I still have a lot of bottled up feelings towards her but my general feeling toward her went from love to dislike to hate. It grows and grows with everything she does because she is stupid. She does stupid things and doesn’t even realize it. I wish she knew that she has ruined all of her kids’ lives by being who she is and that we are all better off without her. I don’t want my siblings to love her for someone she is not but I also don’t want them to hate them the way that I do.

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