“…any food product that feels compelled to tell you it’s natural in all likelihood is not.”—-Michael Pollan

Monday, December 28, 2009

HoseMaster of Wine 2009 Wine Blog Circle Jerk Awards

It's fashionable and damned near required, if you have a wildly successful and famous wine blog, to bestow awards upon lesser wine blogs. I've seen this demonstrated all over the wine blogosphere in recent days; HoseMaster of Wine was even mentioned here and there. I think the BrixChicks gave me something--I think it was indigestion. But it's an honor to be mentioned on another blog--just ask that other blog, he'll tell you it's an honor. You know, there just aren't enough self-congratulatory posts in wine blogdom, if you ask me. And, honestly, when a guy writes a completely useless and uniformed wine blog himself, why wouldn't I be interested in what other blogs he thinks are worthy of my attention! It's the same reason I get my restaurant recommendations from the drive-thru cashier at Burger King. Why I only buy books that feature a blurb from Sarah Palin on the cover and come with their own crayons. Why I only get electroshock therapy from the same doctor as Glenn Beck. It just makes sense.

And since HoseMaster of Wine is clearly in the upper echelon of must-read wine blogs, right up there with Hitler's Wine Diaries and BevMo Sommelier, it's time for me to bestow the Wine Blog Awards of 2009 upon some lucky wine bloggers. If you're one of the lucky ones, be sure to graciously thank me, praise me, and bestow one of your awards on me. So here they are, friends, the HoseMaster's 2009 Wine Blog Circle Jerk Awards.

TOP FIVE NEW WINE BLOGS OF 2009!

Boy, this was really a contentious and tough category. It was hard to narrow it down to only five. There are at least another three hundred that are equally as wonderful as these, but these five struck me as the best and as the ones most likely to garner me some attention for mentioning them. Which is the point of this masturbatory exercise.

Steve Heimoff (www.steveheimoff.com) First of all, I love a guy who won't allow Tish to comment on his blog! That really helps me feel comfortable. I never liked her anyway. Steve has nicely catapulted himself into relevance from the obscurity of Wine Enthusiast, where wine reviewers go to die. And there are laughs aplenty when Steve goes into comedy mode. Why it's like he's channeling Alex Trebek! Steve has created a wonderful forum for less-talented people to promote themselves while talking about wine issues as fresh as last June's Time magazine. Tish and Steve

Dr. Vino (www.drvino.com) Tyler Colman (who, in a lovely bit of irony, is to wine as Gary Coleman is to height) has a refreshing approach to wine. He's always right. If he'd just ban Tish from his blog, he'd be perfect. Dr. Vino posts endlessly interesting columns about impossible food and wine matchups. So the concept is sort of like Match.com, with the food playing the part of the loser blogger who just wants to be loved. Why it's an honor just to be able to mention Dr. Vino, an honor he knows he bestows on every reader when they visit his blog to share in his unrivalled hubris.

1WineDude (www.1winedude.com) You'll be astonished at the Dude's ability to crank out post after post and make them sound exactly like they've been cranked out! This isn't as easy to do as you might think. Something original and interesting tends to slip in accidentally. Not at 1WineDude! Dude keeps it predictable and cliche, which the wine marketing people love! And it's just so surprising that a Social Media darling is so quick to preach about the power of Social Media! Totally fresh and unexpected. Don't be surprised if one day he works for Wine Enthusiast. I don't think Tish is allowed here either--a tip of the cap to the West Coast 1WhineDude, Steve Heimoff.

Mutineer Magazine (www.mutineermagazine.com) If there is a better argument for saving our trees than Mutineer Magazine, I've yet to find it. Like the endless cocktails it promotes, it's a crappy mix of filler, wasted space and pathetic attempts at hipness. Its cutting edge is as sharp as your Dad's old lawn mower. Want to identify a trend once it's already dead? Here's your guide! Written with the sharpness of Muhammed Ali and the vocabulary of your eight-year-old niece, it certainly makes you wish you were drunk when you read it. Where's Tish when you need her?

Palate Press (www.palatepress.com) So, you ask yourself, where do I go to find the finest wine writing on the web? Isn't there somewhere I can go to be amused, entertained, informed, engaged? Not here! Palate Press is proudly mediocre, a choir of voices from the School for the Deaf. There's really no sense in surfing wine blogs, spending all that time searching for an original voice, when you can just go to Palate Press and discover how dull the wine blogosphere is with once click of your mouse! Want provocative articles, well-written and compelling? Buy the New Yorker. Want to understand why wine writing today is largely ignored? Then Palate Press is for you. And it's all Tish all the time!

I have many more awards to bestow. It's the least I can do to give a lift up to all the tireless and wonderful wine bloggers out there now that I'm one of the elite and powerful wine bloggers. To all of the recipients, Keep up the good work! And welcome to my world! The world of relevant Social Media!Share the fantasy!

15 comments:

Okay gonna sneak in here before the throngs of award recipients start with their long winded thank yous. I’m putting aside my slightly wounded feelings for not receiving even an honorable mention, I mean my blog is just as useless as those guy’s…it the penis thing right? I don’t have a penis…sigh, the bane of my existence that. Anyway, just wanted to tell you that I damn near horked pita chips out my nose reading this. I laughed, I cried…it was rollercoaster ride of emotions…is there an award for that? I adore you and have missed your voice kid…seriously funny stuff.“If there is a better argument for saving our trees than Mutineer Magazine, I've yet to find it.” Shit…hahahahahaha

All blogs are useless, especially mine. My point is more about the incessant and unwarranted patting each other on the backs that bloggers do. (Ooh, Ooh, I hope somebody says something nice about me!) And it's about bloggers believing their own peers and press. And it's mostly about gratuitous insults! Don't worry, someone else will go after you and me and our mutual admiration society--probably anonymously.

I adore you!

Dear K.,

I dump on Alder all the time so I thought I'd go after a few new and deserving targets.

I'm not sure that qualifies as an "attack" on My Gorgeous Tish. What triggered the whole post was an accidental sighting on another blog, I think it was Good Grape, of his Top 10 list. It made me laugh outloud. The amazing sort of self-importance it takes to publish that sort of thing with a straight face. Tish showed up in the comments section to make the point that perhaps Steve Heimoff isn't as openminded as he made him out to be since Steve has banned Tish's comments from his blog. This also made me laugh. Whenever I saw Tish on Heimoff's blog he was always polite and rational and reasonable, though he tended to tell Steve his logic was clearly mistaken and his opinions hypocritical at times. Can't have that, can we? Anyhow, I just thought I'd do something especially nasty aimed at the "big" bloggers, who certainly deserve far more lambasting than I can give them.

What also made me laugh was the rush of bloggers who received "awards" to fawn over Mr. GoodGrape and the other bloggers mentioned, as if these were actual awards! Is there an industry that gives more "awards" than wine bloggers? Oh, yeah, those vain and self-centered folks in show business give more--barely.

And that's why I very much appreciate Steve's comment here. I love it when folks get it, so, thank you, Steve, for getting it.

First of all, Ron, do not ever apologize or explain. Satire is satire, and if the objects of satire don't get it, then too bad about them.

Secondly, what is satire without a dose of snarkiness. Steve Heimoff may have called for less snarkiness, but he will have to start with himself, because Steve has a wicked streak that can be wicked funny--if you get my drift.

Third, one of these days, you are going to go after Sam or me for our own peccadillos. If we can't take it, then too bad about us. I think Sam has already shown that she can have a big laugh at herself. I mean, what other serious blogger would admit to horking potato chips out his or her nose?

And finally, I admit it. I have been looking for an asylum recently. No, actually that is not really true. I have not lost it in years--not since Joe Heitz mistook me for Harvey Steiman and give me the finger. I said, "Hey, what it that about"? He turned back to me and said, "Aren't you Harvey Steiman?"

I have been better ever since I got over the pain of that moment. So, maybe it is not asylum I am looking for. Maybe there is actually real humor here. Steve Heimoff thinks so, and he is as honored to be here as all those guys on the Good Grape site, including me, of course, for the honor of being named the "best new loudmouth in the wine blogosphere".

I never apologize for my nonsense. I've been asked a million times over the years where I get my ideas from. I've never had a good answer for that question, but every now and then it's a little interesting to talk about the process. Reading the Good Grape stupidity was the trigger for this post, and then the angry little man in me takes over and the fun begins. I never, and I mean never, know what I'm going to say until I write it down. The joy of surprise, the wonder of creativity, is why I bother to keep plugging away at this meaningless, useless and difficult blog.

I try to vary my tone from post to post. It's sort of an exercise in writing comedy I've always done. So the juxtaposition of my own corny Christmas Thank Yous with this post pleases me. As you know, having written a billion wine descriptions, it's hard to be fresh, hard to create something new two or three times a week and not sound like you're phoning it in. To the degree that I succeed, that's my goal.

I've toyed with spoofing Samantha and my mutual admiration society, but haven't found the right approach. Yet. And you are welcome in my little asylum. The wine blog world will have grown up a bit when it begins to take itself far less seriously. Its endless masturbatory power fantasies and cries for attention will eventually fade and then maybe something interesting will arise. I look forward to that. Right now it is painfully and intensely immature. I'm proud to be part of that.

Well, it took exactly 37 days for the buzz about this post to actually reach my ears. Nice job!

But who is this Steve Heimoff of whom you speak? Is it the Dr. Jekyll Heimoff or Mr. Hyde Heimoff? Being barred from commenting at his blog is a rare honor, and really a blessing. Too bad it was for something so petty as repeating what someone else had said about WE mag's circulation (which last I could tell is a fraction of Steve's sloppy-kiss-laden blog readership). Hey, someone out there in wine media land needs to remind gentle readers everywhere that transparency is the currency of modern wine writing. Steve does a good job of it on his own, but I his perpetual brown-nosey denial of the pomp, smoke and mirrors at the 'Thuse is just about as funny as your jokes!

Thanks for noticing Palate Press, which I am proud to say jumped into the wine blogosphere's top ten or so most active sites from Week One back in September. I forgive you for not noticing that I have not been active in the PP editorial mix for more than a month; alas, tis true. Some bigger things coming down the road. Perhaps another edition of http://dregsreport.com and (gasp) non-wine-writing.

If I wanted buzz I'd publish meaningless, mindless, recycled blog posts like PalatePress. And I'd hang around lots of blogs kissing ass and trolling for hits. I'm just here in my little corner of the asylum lobbing turds at the visitors.

I hadn't noticed your absence from PalatePress because I never go there. Isn't it an auction site now? But good luck in your future endeavors. I do hope you do more at dregsreport, though you know, as I certainly do, how hard it is to keep up the comedy on a regular basis. This is apparent from your remarks here.

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About Me

After 19 years as a Sommelier in Los Angeles, twice named Sommelier of the Year by the Southern California Restaurant Writers' Association, I moved to Sonoma County to explore the other aspects of the wine business. I've spent, OK wasted, 35 years learning about and teaching about and swallowing wine. I am also a judge at the Sonoma Harvest Fair, San Francisco Chronicle Wine Competition and the San Francisco International Wine Competition--so I can spit like a rabid llama. I know more about wine than David Sedaris and I'm funnier than James Laube. Stay tuned for an informed but jaded view of everything wine and everything else.
I'm living proof that alcohol kills brain cells.

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