Post navigation

The Gang That Couldn’t Shoot Straight

It’s a weekday afternoon and my friend Phil and I have just walked onto a gun range. Phil and I usually get together twice a year and blow stuff up. For some strange reason I find it very therapeutic. Phil brings the guns, I buy the beer. To be safe, we drink the beer after we go shooting. We’re not professional football players.

To say Phil is well armed is an understatement. Actually, he has more guns than some Latin American countries. One day I expect him to show up with an anti-ship missile in the back of his truck. Today, however, we’re contenting ourselves with shooting a Model 1911 semi-automatic handgun. Trust me, that’s enough.

As Phil and I take up position in a shooting port and start unpacking the hardware, I notice that we’re not alone at the gun range. Several uniformed men are clustered at the opposite end of the shooting gallery. I recognize the patches on their uniform sleeves. They work for a nationally known armored car company. They’re also armed with shotguns.

“Oh great,” Phil says. “The armored car company must be qualifying their guards on shotguns today.”

“Qualifying?” I ask.

“Before they let a cop or security guard carry a gun,” Phil explains, “The state requires you pass a test to prove you can hit what you’re aiming at.”

“Makes sense.”

“You’d be shocked what bad shots cops and security guards can be. You can shoot better than many of them.“

“This is a single action pistol,” Phil says. “That means the only function the trigger has is to drop the hammer and fire the round.”

“And the other pistols I’ve shot were double action,” I reply, “Right?”

“Correct,” Phil says. “When you shoot a double action pistol pulling the trigger performs two functions. It cocks the hammer and it fires the round.”

“I get it.”

“No you don’t,” Phil says sharply. “The trigger on this gun is very light. It only requires four pounds of pressure to set it off.”

“That’s not a lot.”

“Remember the .357 Magnum you shot a while back?”

“Yeah,”

“That was a double action trigger. That took 12 pounds of pressure to pull the trigger. That’s about the same resistance you get picking up a gallon jug of milk with your index finger.”

“So this gun has what’s called a hair trigger?” I say.

“You better believe it.”

While Phil shows me how to load and unload the pistol I overhear the range master instructing his security guard students in the proper usage of a shotgun. Soon the range is filled with the thunderous cacophony of double-0 buckshot blasts. I’ve fired shotguns before. In antipersonnel mode they’re nasty weapons. Basically, they’re designed to shred people to ribbons.

I pick the 1911 of the shooting bench and transfer it to my left hand. One of the things I’ve discovered shooting with Phil over the years is that I’m cross eye-dominant. I may write with my right hand, but I shoot with my left. (Insert appropriate Freudian joke here.) I slip the magazine into the pistol, rack the slide to chamber a round, engage the safety, and level the gun’s sights on a man shaped target 10 yards away. Once I’m satisfied I have a good sight picture, I snick off the safety and pull straight back on the trigger. The gun fires.

To my surprise, the fluorescent light above my target lane disintegrates into a million pieces. The target itself is shredded and knocked off the target carrier. The wires holding the target carrier twang like they’ve be struck by a demented guitarist, snap in two, and crash to the ground. I feel piece of something hit my face.

“Holy shit!” Phil shrieks.

I turn my head. “Did I do that?” I ask, bewildered.

“No,” Phil says. “You didn’t. Put the pistol on safe and step away!”

After I put the pistol down I hear the range instructor screaming at one of his students.

“You IDIOT!” the instructor yells. “How the fuck could you shoot a target on the opposite end of the range?”

“I don’t know,” the hapless student says, shrugging.

“You guys all right over there?” the instructor asks.

“We’re fine,” Phil says. “You are fine?” Phil asks me. “Aren’t you?”

I run a quick check over my body. No holes. “I’m fine.”

“Tell me what town you’re gonna be working in, son!” the instructor bellows at his student. “Because I can knock off any bank you work at in total safety. You really couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn!”

“My first time with one of these things,” the trainee says.

“Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick!,” the instructor yells, throwing up his hands in despair. “This is what I have to work with! The gang that couldn’t shoot straight!”

“Let’s get the hell out of here,” Phil says, tugging on my arm. “I need a soda.”

“Okay.”

Phil and I go to the lounge and get some Cokes out of the machine. I brush some plastic fragments from the light fixture out of my hair.

“I’m okay Phil,” I reply. “Besides what does it say on the door? ‘Enter at your own risk?”’

“But still…..”

“I’m okay,” I say. “When you finish your soda let’s go back inside.”

“Let’s wait until the security guards are done shooting up the joint.”

“Good idea.”

After a while the guards leave, their tails between their legs. Phil and I go back inside, get a new lane, and start blasting away. To my surprise, I’m very accurate with the 1911 – shooting 2 inch groups at 25 yards.

“I think you’ve found your gun,” Phil says.

“I think so,” I reply.

“Ready to get some beer?”

“Yep.”

“You forget the way to Hooters?”

“Nope.”

“Let’s go.

As Phil and I pack up our gear, an older man with a badge clipped to his belt comes up to me.

Post navigation

Comments

The Gang That Couldn’t Shoot Straight — 83 Comments

This made me laugh and cry at the same time, which is usually my response when something is ‘touching.’ I think in this case it all has to do with being good at something. Or maybe stirred some long lost memory associated with Grandpa having been a Marine marksman, the first to try out the Thomas submachine gun (so the story goes).

Good story. One question though, were you really hitting those tight groups from 75 YARDS? That’s 225 feet, which is a LONG distance for a handgun, even a .45… your initial point of 10 yards seems much more realistic.

Either way, good shooting. Lot’s of strange stuff does happen at the gun range. You really do have to suck bad to miss so horribly with a shotgun. Hopefully those guys recieved some much needed additional training.

Hi Steve! A fan from Singapore here… I recently bought your book in paperback and I’m just writing to let you know I really enjoyed it. There is no tipping culture in Singapore but waiters are paid by the hour (more than fast food workers, around that of data-entry clerks). Interesting to see how things are like in other parts of the world. I’ll be sure to keep your book in mind when I go abroad!

That would definitely freak me out. I used to take my friend to a “rambo” range in Alaska. It’s been cleaned up now, but it was fun while it lasted. Basically it was an uncontrolled range, so you really had to trust that the other people there were responsible gun owners. Most of them were. Most. One time we went and saw a group of young men, all looking very military. I saw a case of beer and a case of soda. I was a little nervous but they didn’t seem too rowdy. My buddy and I loaded up and started shooting. After our first round we started reloading and we heard some rapid fire shots. I looked over and to my surprise one of the guys was holding a gun in each hand shooting downrange while running sideways. My first thought was “what an idiot”. Then he tripped and fell-still firing. I looked at my friend and said “pack it up, we’re out of here.”

Guns and idiocy do not mix.

The rambo range was closed down after a part of it caught fire. I think the Alaska railroad had some complaints too…you had to cross their tracks and it must have been unsettling to the passengers to see groups of armed people standing along the tracks.

You do shoot pretty dang well! I’m a certified youth shotgun instructor, and I’ve had adults scare me worse than kids with guns! And it’s true about security guards and aim, I swear you’d be better with a pit bull at the door!

Also, kudo’s on you shooting with your left hand. I get many cross-dominant shooters in my youth organization and they are very reluctant to shoot left handed. It’s easier with shotgun shooting, you can blur their left eye with tape on their glasses, but it’s better to try shooting as a southpaw. Good shootin’ Tex!

Julie–you should definitely look at the Colt Model 1911. I got my wife one for her wedding present (we live in Texas–it’s customary) and she loves it. Unlike a 9MM, you can guarantee that anything you hit with a .45 is going to fall immediately. And that’s all I wanted for a gun for my wife. I didn’t want a gun that required her to hit the guy in the heart or head to ensure that he went down–the last thing I want is some lunatic continuing to charge her after she’s put five rounds into him (which will happen with a 9MM).

Matt Emmons was a shoe in for a shooting gold in Athens 2004. He just needed to hit the target near the middle, he cross fired and fell to 8th. Same guy in Beijing 2008, he’s way ahead and needs a 6.7 to win the gold–which is the equivalent of an uncontested lay-up in shooting. He has a flyer or a choke moment and scores a 4.4. He blows the gold two Olympics in a row on the last shot.

On the other hand, he claims that if he would have won gold in Athens he would have retired and never met his future wife, an olympic shooter from Czech Republic. Go figure.

James and Julie. RE ; Model 1911. Do be careful with a genuine Colt M1911. They still have the inertia firing pin in them. Read up on safe handling of the 1911 a bit. They can discharge if dropped even with the hammer down or the safety on. Great gun AND I put a hole in a $2000 Ethan Allen credenza at home with one many years ago due to that inertia firing pin!!!

Your friend has a very good 1911… most of them can’t shoot 2″ groups at 25 yards even if fired from a vise… a genuine Colt 1911 that shoots as accurately as that one will cost upwards of $1200, if you’re lucky enough to find one…

Nice shooting. I have a Springfield 1911 target match modified, and it’s the best shooting gun I’ve ever owned. Have to disagree with McMike, though. 1911’s were designed for military officers, who have weren’t really respected for their intelligence at the time (maybe the designer was former enlisted). They have multiple safeties, and will not fire unless you are gripping the pistol and pulling the trigger.

The 1911 was designed by John Browning as part of a competition by the US Army to choose a new military sidearm. It easily won and was adopted as the official sidearm in 1911 (hence the name). With a couple of very minor changes, it continued as the official primary sidearm until 1985. And it is still being used by the military in specialized situations today as well as being extremely popular with everyone from casual shooters to SWAT team members.

The 1911 was orginally manufactured by Colt, but now that the patents have expired many manufacturers make 1911 variants or outright clones. They are all collectively referred to as 1911 or M (for Model) 1911 pistols regardless of the maker, although the term Colt 1911 should be reserved the guns produced by Colt. One of the best of today’s manufacturers of 1911s is Kimber Mfg. of Yonkers, New York. Waiter, time for a field trip?

The most important design change over the last 98 years was the addition of safety that blocks the firing pin from contacting the primer unless the trigger is deliberately pulled as early 1911s could fire accidentally if dropped nose-first onto a hard surface. It’s unlikely many people were ever injured by these accidental discharges since the barrel had to be pointing pretty close to straight into the ground, but plenty of people have used this possibility to try to cover up their own Plaxico Burress-style-pull-the-trigger-when-you-didn’t-mean-to negligent discharges.

Other changes have been made to make the gun more comfortable to shoot and more accurate, but the basic design remains unaltered.

Finally, 2″ groups from an offhand standing position at 25 yards requires an excellent gun and an exceptional shooter. You do know group sizes are measured from the centers of the two holes that are the farthest apart? I want to see a scan of a target.

What is it called when you’re right-handed, shoot right-handed, but use your left eye to aim? I’m told that I’m right-eye dominant, but simply can’t seem to shoot that way. Interestingly enough, I can switch to my left hand and be as accurate as with my right.

As for carrying a 9mm vs a .45…I don’t think the size of the hole should determine what you carry. If you’re more comfortable shooting a 9, then that means you’ll practice more and be more proficient with it. If you miss with the .45, it’s going to take longer to get the next round off because of the recoil (most women have more trouble with the higher caliber because they don’t have the same hand/arm/shoulder strength as a man).

I carry a 9mm Glock and even IF the attacker was hyped up on some kind of drug, he wouldn’t continue to come after me because I drill for body armour and druggies…meaning, 2 to the body, 1 to the head, or 2 to the body and 1 to the hip. Shoot their means of movement out from under them and they’re not going anywhere.

1. The guard with the negligent discharge (there is NO WAY he was intending to fire that weapon when it discharged, unless he was intentionally trying to harm you). I’m curious as to how he was able to obliterate your target (10 yards from you), the target hanger, and the shooting light above you with a single round. Even with an open choke, at the distance required for a 10 yard spread (00 buck is usually either 9 or 12 pellets), you probably wouldn’t have even noticed that he had hit your target.

I’m not calling you a liar, I’m just skeptical by nature, and have spent a good portion of my life around guns of all kinds.

2. Mr. “a .45 will drop an attacker every time no matter where you hit them” commenter. No, just no. There have been MANY recorded instances where people have continued to fight on after being shot several times with .45 caliber rounds. There are no single shot stop handgun rounds. Period. In my youth I saw a man high on PCP take a 12g round to the chest and continue to fight on, and this is after being hit numerous times by .38 handgun fire (until the officer who shot him followed up with another one to the pelvis, at which point he crumpled and moaned for a minute or two, and promptly bled out). Since that night I’ve been of the opinion that nothing short of .50BMG or 20mm Cannon fire could be safely considered a one shot stop.

If you are truly worried about your wife’s safety, buy her a handgun in a caliber that is most comfortable for her to shoot, and take her to the range weekly (50 rounds in controlled shooting “target shooting” and another 50 in “stop the attacker” bursts). Train her to shoot an attacker to the ground (Cindy has the right idea with including the pelvis as a target area, though I would recommend 4-5 to the chest, 2-3 to the pelvis, maybe then transitioning to the head – if you stop their ability to move, they are not going to be much of a threat. If they have a gun, empty the magazine in them, reload, and continue fire until they stop moving).

I’m curious as to how he was able to obliterate your target (10 yards from you), the target hanger, and the shooting light above you with a single round. Even with an open choke, at the distance required for a 10 yard spread (00 buck is usually either 9 or 12 pellets), you probably wouldn’t have even noticed that he had hit your target.

He probably hit the target hangar. I’ve seen them hit before and the target usually falls from the bouncing and bullet “shrapnel” ripping into the top of the target. A direct hit on the carrier is also the most likely way to cause the wire to “twang” (although I admit the wire parting sounds like artistic license to me). A hit on the carrier would then send ricocheting pellets everywhere. Even a single ricocheting buckshot will do a spectacular job on a fluorescent tube bulb.

Remember to wear your eye protection on the range. It’s not meant to stop bullets, it’s meant to stop things like flying cartridge cases, fast-moving particles of unburned powder and little pieces of bullets that may come bouncing back at you.

It cracks me up how all you NY liberal pro-barack-the -usurper-from-kenya anti-gun types jump on the pro-gun bandwagon (and yes steve I’m talking about you too, i’ve read your posts with the anti-gun slant) once the carefully-crafted facade of “civilization” starts to crack.

well, whatever it takes to get you guys to pull your heads from the sand.

now go read the Constitution. If you don;t love it, there are plenty of socialist nations in the world that would love to have another subject.

Sam, it sounds like just emerged from your mountain redoubt and are suffering from a cognitive disorder that stems from eating one to many improperly sealed cans of homemade caribou chili. Chill baby, chill.

Sam, Libbies/Obammies etc can’t take any criticism (or discuss facts but that’s a whole ‘nother issue). Attack, attack, attack is all you’ll get out of them–look what happened when Joe the Plumber DARED ask Obammy a question–Libbies attacked him every possible way.
Questioning LibNazis/their God Obammy etc is VERBOTEN.

Karen, even with both eyes open, we all have a dominant eye that we’re using for the sights. Most people who shoot right-handed are right-eye dominant and vice versa. But I truly use my left eye to sight while I’m holding the gun in my right hand.

Makes it *really* hard to use a rifle because I can’t get my left eye in line with the sights when I’m holding it with my right hand. :\

I’m even worse with sighting with my left eye. I have no problem getting the gun and my body in correct position to fire left handed. My problem is I can’t get my right eye to wink so I focus down the sights with my left. It’s been a problem for me for as long as I can remember, but ever since I started shooting guns, I’ve found ways to adjust. Some guns don’t recoil too much so I can just crossover, left hand over right arm for support and use my right eye as the sight-eye. But with bigger guns there are only two ways I can manage to aim. Either add a laser sight I can trigger with a thumb press on the butt, or with a laser sight (zoomed or none) that allows my one eye to see the honed in red-dot target while the other doesn’t. Of course calibration of either of these two systems must be done in advance with the use of my right handed dominance.

My husband works at a shooting range, and is also an instructor. I can assure you that here in California, cops and security guards are terrible shots too. I won’t go out on the range when they are qualifying. Totally frightening that these are the people that are supposed to be protecting me! Good thing I’m a good shot and I have my permit to carry.

#52 I can assure you that people shoot the cable (wire hanger) all the time. I’ve spent many an evening fixing them. Another possibility is that the rope that pulls the target got shot. They get dirty pretty quickly and look just like the cable after a while.

Wow. I have a shotgun precisely because I don’t know how to shoot, and the guy who sold it too me promised that I wouldn’t be able to miss. Sounds like perhaps that’s not the case. Hopefully I’ll never have to test that.

Scary!

I would like to find a range where I could practice shooting it, though. Or not. I’m not sure after reading your story!

I’m with Timmy Jenkins; I call Bullshit on the whole cop mistaking you for a cop thing. We’ve seen this before in your writing, where you take what is probably a mostly true story and then tack on additional details that cast you in a highly favorable light. Sort of like you are trying to present as fact what you wish had happened or wish you had said (shades of George Costanza…)

Also, as a responsible gun owner and shooter, I’m concerned that you are a little too wide-eyed and impressed with the fact that you are handling guns. It’s very adolescent and contributes to the view of people who believe that gun owners are nutjobs. Please get some experience and an adult viewpoint before you write further on the topic. (And apologize to Phil for telling everyone about his extensive collection. If he is identified, he will be a target for both anti-gun zealots, as well as burglars)

I’m cross-eye dominant too, and I shoot left-handed. It just feels better. Usually arrows, but I did have a class in junior high that let me shoot this teeny little two-shot derringer. Gotta love Texas.

Its good of you to flip for the beers, hope you helped Phil out w/the cost of the ammo as well. Phil being such a gun buff would most likely pack his own shells, but it can still get costly. If not shells for a day of shoot em up for two run about $90 on up depending on your arsenal.

Its good of you to flip for the beers, hope you helped Phil out w/the cost of the ammo as well. Phil being such a gun buff would most likely pack his own shells, but it can still get costly. If not shells for a day of shoot em up for two run about $90 on up depending on your arsenal.

Hey BS…….I was mistaken for a cop by a judge in a courtroom. I am SOOO not the cop type as far as i am concerned, i guess the judge thought different. Steve being thought to be a cop isnt that much of a stretch.

Itstishy – Being mistaken for a cop by a judge and being mistaken for a cop by a cop are two very different things. I’m a cop, and there’s not a chance that I’m going to mistake some neophyte wannabe as another cop.

Sorry Waiter, I do like you, but you sometimes blur the line between what actually happened, versus what you wanted to happen.

Actually, the cop said “are you on the job?” which >I< read to mean, “are you part of the group that was just in?” (“The Job” being the security guard gig, instead of “being a cop.”) In which case, it’s perfectly reasonable… it just doesn’t mean quite what he thought it meant.

Waiter: I know this scenario. I spent a fabulous day at the range with some friends trying out everything from a .22 to a .45, plus a rifle (which was smooth) and a shotgun (which bruised my shoulder with the recoil…ouch!). At the end of the day we each picked our favourite gun (me = glock) and did some races with targets. I was most excited when I realised I scored higher than two friends in the group – one that used to be in the army and one that used to be a cop. Great fun!!

Posted by Dik_Lik in another group: [YO, I KNO ALL U LOSERS WANT TO FUK MY SHIET, SO FUK IT U LOSERS, FUK IT GOOD]

Another donation for this byetch of the ho3nation,
look loser its no one’s fault if u been on eternal sex probation,
ur watery nut brain sure needs a flip or rotation,
u been a real @$$HOl3 while u ate one,
and one filled ur @nus when his lil mate come,
u above all losers u sale ur rear for a penny deal,
thats the only way u managed to fukk as much as benny hill,
or should i say getting fukked for u like beeing taken from behind,
and u so cheap and affordable beggars cant help but beeing blind,
ur only role model is the masturbating bear in conan o’brien,
u wish u would be a hero like Silent,
u aint nothin but a lost case,
whenever u posted u lost face,
the only clic u represent is the trannies with a tiny dick,
i wish u were more crazy cause u arent crazy enuff to fight me bytch,
Dik_Lik is the name u own,
u a sick pryck and when they aimed u moaned,
they came by crowds like in a spectrum,
invade and over violated ur rectum,
now urs leak and u walk like a penguin,
shyt u post like u’re on heroin,
i dont care about ur munchie i dont care if u’re grumby,
i aint like u no one humps me i bump they bow i’m bumpy,
u in a state of mind that would disgust even a zombie,
and if u wronged Blackshirt then u wronged me,
u can call him blacksheep all u want cause a balcksheep has confidence,
to be different enuff not to fall in a chain with trannies as dominance,
u such a fag at first i thought u were just a gag,
man i dont know why u still in AA dont u see u are flagged,
no one loves you not even ur own p3nis,
you are a burden to him he wish u’d just cut him off and end this,
yeah i’m adressing the message to you mr.retard,
u hysterical trannie with the extra #3 part,
heard u went to the dermatologist when he saw u he went oh my,
said he aint gonna work on ur face cause it loked like no gurl-no guy,
u sure dont have no decense and u post like no true men,
u just a nobody a no-human,
u like to blow old kocks,
yes indeed u are just a mophobot,
u hang around back alleys and live in a carton box,
ur adress has no numbers it reads maytag’s,
and when ur fukkfriends the popo passes by they holla Hey fag!!,
ur bums suffering from a short career u hop like astronauts,
i remembered u uploading william hung as ur profile pic ,
i can only imagine how fuggly u are mr .”immobile” dyck,
i bet u wake up in the morning hair puffed up like krammer in seinfeld,
face the toilet and shake ur tiny blind eel,
marched over ur washrooms floor ater u irrigate it with sperm,
brush ur teeths without washing ur hands after u scratched the irritated worm,
u are an anomaly even to the most abnormal,
and every time u meet horny junkies in the gettho ur behind absorbs mo,
i feel sorry for the ppl from LaPalma,
and u know u just a virgin in the frontside thats why u sale ur rear to calm ya!!!
U know u just a low fag no women are having you,
and now u come like a weak makak and cry on asian avenue,
if i wos italian i’d tell u (va-fa-nable),
oh but wait u already did u the douchebag that all the fags played ;D

I read somewhere recently that armed police in the UK need to clock up something like ten hours of range time *per week*, otherwise they don’t get to keep their licenses. My local police station has a very large underground shooting range, where they practice.

Americans (especially “Questioning Obammy is Verboten”): please stop the “your president my president” bullshit. One of the side effects of living in a strong democracy is that sometimes the guy (or lady) you like doesn’t win.

Obama is your president and George W. Bush was your president, the law doesn’t care which one you liked or hated. Stop being so childish.

Waiter, have you ever been out hunting? If you had you wouldn’t take those pellets bouncing around so lightly. If they were using 00buck that’s like 9 .33 bullets bouncing around you. Granted by the time they ricochet off the hanger they’ve lost a lot of energy but I wouldn’t like to take that chance.