President Nugent Wants Some Order, Fiscal Responsibility, More Deer Hunting and a Haircut

President Nugent wouldn’t have to have black-tie affairs or special concert performances at the White House during the Nugent Administration. (Photo: Shemane Nugent)

President Nugent wants you!

Wouldn’t that be something? President Nugent … President Ted Nugent, outfitting the White House formal dinners with camouflage napkins and venison backstraps on the fine china, putting up some Block targets on the Rose Garden lawn to practice on from the Truman Balcony, going to the portico to shake the hands of visitors and foreign leaders while wearing a zebra-themed cowboy hat and boots?

Probably would be awesome, to tell you the truth. Might get things shaped up a bit, too. Think the war memorials and monuments on the Mall would have been barricaded? Probably not, because there probably wouldn’t have been a budget impasse if The Nuge could drive home his idea about fiscal sense with America’s fiscal (dollars and) cents.

Venison in the White House? Certainly! (Photo: Shemane Nugent)

Hey, anything could happen. Nugent just got a haircut so, after years of flowing locks and a ponytail when hunting or on stage, he’s shorn like a lamb. Still roaring like a lion, though.

In an interview with WBZT 1230 radio in Palm Beach, Nugent said he’d have a broom to sweep up Washington if he were president.

“I would love to see America run like the Nugent household,” he told the radio station. “You get up early, you maximize your productivity, you be the best that you can be, you live within your means, you save for a rainy day and you don’t be some gluttonous, slovenly, criminal, wasteful, paycheck fire-torching bastard like most of the bastards in politics today.”

Nugent’s hair bothered him so frequently during his deer hunting trips that he decided to get it cut off. (Photo: Shemane Nugent)

“No. 1, I celebrate that they’re shut down, because the Fedzilla is a bloated monster,” he said. “Let’s put it this way — for every 5,000 federal employees, I could hire one person to do a better job. It is so wasteful, it’s engineered obsolescence, it’s engineered redundancy, the whole battle cry of the federal government is waste, corruption, fraud, abuse of power, so I’m glad it’s shut down.”

President Ted said getting a haircut was messing up his hunting trips because his locks kept getting tangled in limbs and such. His wife, Shemane, suggested her stylist and the clipping commenced.

“As I’m tracking deer my damn ponytail kept getting snagged, it got to be a pain in the ass,” he said to WBZT. “So on a whim, I just did it, and so far, everybody thinks that it’s OK.”

Let’s see, President Nugent. You have targets outside the White House for your bows, likely have converted the White House bowling alley that Nixon put in for an indoor range, and no doubt would get some big grills installed to fire up for backstraps.

Nugent said the haircut wasn’t part of a political campaign, “but the threat of me running for public office is alive and well, because obviously our government has been overtaken by gangsters and America haters.”