Frank: I’d known her for years. We used to go to all the police functions together. Ah, how I loved her. But she had her music. I think she had her music. She’d hang out with the Chicago Male Chorus and Symphony. I don’t recall her playing an instrument or being able to carry a tune. Yet she was on the road 300 days of the year. In fact, I bought her a harp for Christmas. She asked me what it was.

– – – – –

Frank: I’m single! I love being single! I haven’t had this much sex since I was a Boy Scout leader!

(Music stops. People stare.)

Frank: I mean, at the time I was dating a lot.

– – – – –

Hapsburg: I don’t recall your name on the guest list.

Frank: That’s okay. Sometimes I go by my maiden name.

– – – – –

Frank: That’s the red light district. I wonder why Savage is hanging around down there?

After a week of applying Fluorouracil twice a day, my face is getting red and blotchy.

I found this explanation of how it works and what it does on WebMD:

Fluorouracil (5-FU) is an anticancer medication that works by slowing or stopping cell growth. The medication interferes with the ability of abnormal cells to grow on the skin’s top layer.

5-FU is usually applied once or twice daily for several weeks. It works by causing a painful irritation in actinic keratosis or a skin cancer. Successful treatment results in the specific areas of diseased skin becoming inflamed and crusting as the abnormal cells die.

Being of the British persuasion, I’ve always considered myself rather pale. Photographic evidence exists, however, that shows off Tom The Sun God — a fellow more mahogany than ivory. Selective memory allows me to forget the years prior to the discovery of my first basel cell cancer lump on my left hand. After that was cut out, leaving what I told people was a dueling scar, I eschewed the sun and became a pale skin advocate. Unfortunately, as my dermie told me, the damage had already been done.

Over the years I’ve had many basel cell carcinomas burned off or dug out. At one point I wryly commented to friends that I wasn’t going to die … my dermie was going to just cut out pieces of me until there was nothing left.

A few days ago I had my semi-annual dermie visit. This time she told me that instead of burning the precancerous bits off my face with liquid nitrogen, she wanted me to undergo a four-week long, twice-a-day Fluorouracil treatment.

Fluorouracil belongs to a class of medications known as antimetabolites. (I thought an antimetabolite was a character in a “Hellraiser” movie but I guess I was wrong.) It works by blocking the growth of abnormal cells that cause skin growths.

The stuff is apparently very strong. You have to wear gloves when you apply it and soap and water won’t wash it off. Luckily, I use Noxzema.

Saw the movie “Unstoppable” with Denzel Washington last night and I am really bummed out. They advertise the train as, well, unstoppable, so I was expecting extreme carnage.

SPOILER ALERT! But in the end, Denzel and his buds stopped the train. No kidding, they stopped the unstoppable train. I guess they could have called it “Stoppable,” which would have been much more honest but a lot less enticing.

If you want to see the movie because you like Denzel or trains, go ahead! Just don’t expect an unstoppable train!