BHS TO BE TAKEN TO SWISS DIGNITAS CLINIC TO DIE

Nurse says store is unable to tidy its own bargain bins

British Home Stores is to be flown to the Dignitas Clinic in Zurich to die it was announced yesterday.

The announcement came as desperate shoppers were rifling its shelves for cheap table lamps and bedding. Customers were then told to leave the stores and shutters closed as a mark of respect.

Carers for the struggling High Street retailer have been growing more concerned for its welfare in recent weeks.

“It’s been struggling to take itself to the toilet and we’ve been changing bedsheets regularly. When it gets to this stage, it’s the only humane thing to do,” said Lisa, a nurse at the Sir Phillip Green hospital who also cared for Woolworths in 2009.

“It raises the debate about assisted dying again but when you see BHS unable to tidy its own bargain bins you know its time.”

BHS will be given an oral dose of an antiemetic drug, followed approximately 1 hour later by a lethal overdose of powdered pentobarbital dissolved in a glass of water or fruit juice. Death will occur approximately 30 minutes later.

​“We’d like to remember BHS for the good times; the days when there were a few High Street stores running with gay abandon, not the dark days of struggle peddling shit to people who’ll buy anything.”