Bachelorette: Episode One

I finally found some time to watch the opening episode of ABCs the Bachelorette tonight. The producers at ABC are using their tried and true formula to create yet another “perfact” season (If you don’t speak Ashley, that would be “perfect” season). From the entrance of the mansion being wet down with a water hose to look all sparkly in the lights of the camera, to 25 somewhat good-looking and potentially insane bachelors, this episode didn’t disappoint. Well, actually, it did. I don’t know if it was the fudge covered potato chips in the pint of Ben and Jerry’s Late Night Snack ice cream (inspired by the amazing Jimmy Fallon) or if it was the terrible, horrendous pick up lines, but I felt myself getting nauseous about five minutes in. I’ll make this a quick rundown for those of you who may have missed it.

At first I thought I was watching Dancing with the Stars. Did I totally miss Ashley being a dancer in the last season? I thought she was a “dentist.” Now she’s a dancer? And what’s up with the mid-drift tops? Did she constantly show off her stomach last time around? I thought blondes had more fun, but apparently the newly brunette Ashley is letting it all hang out.

Chris Harrison prepped us for the “25 most eligible bachelors in America.” How can you be the most eligible? Aren’t you either just eligible or ineligible? Perhaps if these guys are more than simply eligible it is because they are mask wearing, devious, cheesy line giving jerks. But man, are some of them good-looking. Let’s move on.

Cell phone salesman with the umbrella malfunction was super cute until they showed him in his less than stellar single bedroom apartment bathroom where he left his nasal spray clearly sitting out on the counter. Afrin? No, thank you.

The Jersey fourth generation butcher should have never been allowed on the plane. One look at his thick gold chain and Goodfellas stance and I was convinced he would get out of the limo and say “How you doin’?” like Joey from Friends.

Is that Josh Groban sniffing a glass of wine? Maybe this is Dancing with the Stars after all.

Wow. You know, you really can’t compete with a dead wife, but I sort of hope West stays around just because there will be so many puns with his name I will be able to make in my blog throughout the season. The broken compass was cute (sort of) but the way he said “Yes, West like the opposite of East and slightly North of South” was pretty damn cute.

Ames is a classic overachiever that hopes it is Ashley because he likes her drive and dedication to her profession. He does realize that Ashley dropped out of dental school to be on television, right? In fact, she dropped out twice. This might not work out, buddy.

Lucas is from Texas and said “Good grief.” He is just a Brad waiting to happen. Run away, Ashley, run away.

Oh, Tim. Not only are you a liquor distributor, but apparently a heavy consumer as well. Tim gets the boot before the rose ceremony even starts after passing out and snoring so loud that Ashley couldn’t enjoy the party.

Cute little Rain Maker, Ben, just had to speak French and look like a dork. But since Ashley also speaks French, maybe it’s a good thing. Of course, he should have told her that he lived in New Orleans instead of Lake Charles, but whatever, he won’t last but a few more episodes so it doesn’t really matter.

Mask dud is really creepy. There’s really no need to elaborate.

So you’re from Canada, ay? Good golly, he wants to pump – you up. I swear he talks like Hans and Franz.

Did anyone else get weirded out when dude took a photo with Ashley and was all giddy about getting a photo with Chris Harrison?

The personal trainer with the poem…..gag…and he used the word journey. I hope he doesn’t last long; he’s giving me a headache. I bet they’ll have some sort of stupid exercise date, too, and that will totally irritate me.

Constantine. The pink floss on the finger was genius. I’m picking this dude for the final four. Good trick. Another good trick was dude that used the cards/poster board outside of the window. The bad trick was when Mama Gayle told the kids to use a condom. And the guitar trick was pretty clever, but it was negated by the fact that dude was wearing a three-piece suit.

Well, Ashley proved just how stupid she is by giving Bentley a rose. Not only is he named after a car, but she knows he’s just a player. I did like how Chris Harrison acted all innocent when she told him about having the scoop on Bentley. He looked like “Whaaa….?? You mean people try to get on this show for reasons other than love?” Well played, Harrison, well played.

Eliminated are: the Goodfellas Butcher, the Drunk, Hans and Franz, the Three Piece Suit, the Cry Baby Marine Vet, the Random Cute Guy and Frank from Tennessee (which might not be a bad thing since he lives about 45 minutes away from me. Rebound, anyone?).