Courtney Love gave an interview to The Fix about drug addiction and sobriety, and it’s pretty what you would expect from a Courtney Love interview about drug addiction and sobriety. Courtney Love is an enigma marinated in dirty crack pipe water, wrapped in peyote skin, cooked on a plate of hot Adderall pills and served on the tongue of a mental hospital patient in a strait jacket. This is why Courtney gives a good interview! Bitch’s brain is like a Whac-A-Mole of thoughts.

Before Courtney talked about being sober, she nursed a beer and then pointed to a bag of meds next to her bed (prescribed by a VERY reputable doctor, thankyouverymuch). And then Court got into it. Here’s a few choice quotes:

On how she recommends this crazy tea she’s never drank before: “You couldn’t pay me a billion dollars to take marijuana. I don’t really like coke anymore. I’m scared of ecstasy. The one drug I’d like to try one day is Ayahuasca, which should be mandatory for everybody. It’s apparently this crazy tea that gives you these intense hallucinations. Everyone who takes it sees a wise old black man who takes you on a wild journey. I’m not going to name names, but everyone who takes it sees the same black guy. I’m not kidding you. Everyone! ”

On how the wise old black man you see is not Morgan Freeman: “Shut up! No! My drug counselor did Ayahuasca with Sting one time and Sting spent an hour chasing a bee through Joshua Tree. I didn’t join in because losing control is not my jam. The few times I’ve been really drunk, I was plastered on tequila, which is no fun at all. One of those times was at the M.T.V. Awards, when I nearly fell on the floor because I took so many benzos. ”

On how she’s the Virgin Mary of drugs and almost every celebrity is an addict: “You know what’s funny? People in the flyover states tend to think that all the celebrities on both coasts are constantly high. They think that we’re all on some uber-drug. But the thing is, they’re kind of right. But somehow most of them manage to function, more or less. The biggest celebrities and movers and shakers I know are also some of the worst alcoholics and drug addicts. But you’d never know it by looking at them. Now that I’m trying to stay sober, I try my best to stay away from that crowd, but it’s not always easy. These days, I’m very virginal when it comes to drugs.”

On how not doing the bad shit has turned her into a nympho slut who thinks sex is overrated: “Yeah. After I stopped doing drugs I started to fuck like a bunny…. I had this Norma Desmond moment, I guess. I started sleeping with this dude who wasn’t so great, and then I hooked up with another dude who was in an open marriage, but he wasn’t so great, either. I’m a very sexual person, but in general, I think sex is kind of overrated. Most of the guys I sleep with have tended to be actors and musicians and directors. And they tend to be lousy lays. ”

On how she wants to be a trophy piece: “Actually, these days I’m only interested in plutocrats. Like really, really rich guys. I’m determined to land one sooner or later. My favorite book these days is something called The Official Filthy Rich Handbook, which I study like the Talmud. The thing is, I think I can be a real asset to a wealthy man. I’ve always been a great girlfriend, but until recently I’ve struggled to stay single, because I had never been without a boyfriend before. It’s just my nature to couple up. I’m not saying that I’m completely monogamous—I’m too much of a libertine for that. But I’ve always craved real relationships.”

On if her rock bottom was when she let a stranger suck on her tit for the cameras: “No, my bottom was snorting blow up Pamela Anderson’s ass! [laughs] Actually my real bottom was buying my pharmacists on both coasts wide-screen plasma TVs for Christmas!

The Pam Anderson roast on VH1 wasn’t a great moment for me, either. I was a mess. I had lipstick smeared all over my face. I was doped and dazed. I may have even been drooling. But it’s all Andy Dick’s fault, really. He handed me a pill right before the show and said, ‘Courtney, take this, it’s like Vicodin without the aspirin.’ It fucked me up bad. Winona Ryder slipped me a similar pill a few months earlier. I’m such an addict that I just swallowed them both, without asking what they were. So thanks to Andy Dick I ended up accidentally getting addicted to benzos, which went on to plague my life.”

On rehab scholarships: “I spent 90 days at this ritzy rehab called Beau Monde. They accepted me on a scholarship basis, because I seriously had no money at the time.”

On how ScarJo should play her in a movie: “A few months ago, at a party in Hollywood, Scarlett Johansson did a pretty spot-on imitation of me. She wrapped a bandage around her boobs and tumbled down a flight of stairs with a bottle of Jack Daniels in her hands. But the truth is I’ve never had a drop of Jack Daniels. I hate the taste of hard alcohol. What I really like is wine.”

On Dr. Drew: “I mean, I wouldn’t want to end up at Dr. Drew’s place. He’s such a phony, that guy.”

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