Black women who are attracted to Asian men often ask me how to meet and connect with them, “because those guys are known to be shy and don’t approach us.”

Truth is, there are confident and shy people in every community. Asian men aren’t any different from other men (just like black women aren’t any different from other women).

…So Get Your Flirt On!

But, like all men, Asian men need to be given signals that it’s okay to approach a woman. The problem is, the same way many black women have been brainwashed into thinking they’re the “bottom of the totem pole” (whatever that stupid lie is supposed to mean) and therefore men can’t possibly be attracted to them, Asian men have been fed the same bullcrap. Consequently, the one you’re interested in may think he’s not interesting to you at all. This is why it is crucial that black women who are interested in Asian men send them signals that they’re open to interacting with them. Make eye contact, smile at him – in other words, get your flirt on!

What to Do if You Have Trouble Meeting or are Hesitant

That said, from my observations, there are two types of women who have a hard time meeting and connecting with Asian guys. The first type is the woman who is attracted to them but hardly knows about anything Asian, and the second is the woman or young girl who admires Asian men and cultures in “secrecy,” because of the “rules” that black women are taught to follow within the black community.

For the first group:Culture is a major element in your relationship with an Asian man. If you want a man to show interest in you and your culture (NOTE: I’m not talking about that so-called “culture” of “acting, dressing and talking black”), it’s only fair and natural to get to know his. It has to go both ways. I suggest you start attending Asian events, Asian art museums, cultural festivals, get more familiar with Asian-American and/or Asian entertainment, get to know the dishes, traditions, go to a few concerts, comedy shows, etc. Can you make the difference between Chinese, Korean and Japanese cultures (art, dishes, languages, traditions) for example? Do you know other Asian celebs besides Jackie Chan, Bruce Lee and Jet Li? What is the capital of Malaysia? Could you find the Philippines on a map? What is a Yukata? What is ChuSeok? Cultural knowledge matters if you’re interested in dating out, for we can’t ignore the fact that interracial dating often implies intercultural dating. Where to meet Asian guys? Search places with a predominantly Asian crowd in your area, like Asian restaurants for instance? Any Asian events near you? Google away, people. If you live in a big city, what about hanging out in Chinatown or Koreatown? And, of course, you can use dating sites such as Black Women and Asian Men United or join AMBW groups like the ones available on Facebook.

For the second group: Staying true to yourselves is the only way to live well and have what you really want in life. Black people are harsh on black women when it comes to individuality. When we don’t follow the rules of the “Real Black Woman” – Rule #1 being “Thou Shall Not Date Out” – we are often seen as “race traitors” and “self-haters.” My question is…SO WHAT? So what if somebody calls you a sellout and self-hating “wh*re” for dating out or being interested in different cultures and men? As if women who date strictly within their ethnicity never get called all the names in the book. Some of the messages I receive from women and young girls (17 to 20) who get teased the moment they try to be themselves sadden me, because I know how it feels. Still, you must choose yourself over
the naysayers, and go for what you want. You will always lose if you try to live up to someone else’s standards. You cannot want others to accept you as you are when you don’t even accept yourself, including your tastes and preference(s), for fear of being judged. Enough of the guilt trips already!! A man is a man! Ladies, freedom is a choice. If you think Takeshi Kaneshiro is the SEXIEST MAN alive, or if you happen to prefer Korean food over Soul Food, CHOOSE to embrace that. If you’ve always wanted to move to China, CHOOSE to follow your heart!!

58 Comments

I especially like the part about culture. What you pointed out is important – if you want someone to express interest in your culture, you must express interest in theirs. I find that some black women are upset or disappointed if a guy doesn’t know much about their culture, but they don’t realize it goes both ways. As with most things in life, reciprocation is key.

I’ve never dated an Asian guy, but there were an amazing number of very attractive east Asian guys at my university (especially this particular one in my writing 102 class), and I definitely would’ve been interested…if I hadn’t already been in a relationship with a wonderful guy. As far as Asian guys go, I typically visually prefer the Japanese ones, but there are exceptions. I’m also interested in Japanese culture…

I’ve known SheRocks07 and Gloryus1 (another YouTube member, and whose comments you may also see on this blog) for well over a year now. We’ve all exchanged many ideas, so they’ve been my influences in my writings on this blog. I’ve also gotten to know skypurple15 (who often comments here) quite well in recent months, and she’s also shared a lot of interesting ideas and helpful information with me as well. Another person I’ve recently been exchanging ideas with is nwaka82. So, this is a shoutout to my friends on YouTube. You should also check out their channels (gloryus’s channel is constantly “relocating” though, lol :p).

I had a new entry almost completed, but I will hold off on posting that one for about a week or two.

….and I will have to definitely agree with SR! This is truly ONE of the best, if not the best, IR blog on the web.
A few of the other IR blogs I’ve read, and stopped reading, over the past 3 years seemed a bit too angry for me. Not sure how long your blog has been up, but I’m extremely glad I stumbled upon it. Better late than never I guess

Great advice. Like you, I also like culture. As a matter of fact, I studied foreign languages in Spanish/French. My goal is to get to a Spanish speaking country( maybe, Spain or Peru) or French one( France, Quebec or Senegal). I also wouldn’t mind visiting Japan.

Speaking of Japan, I will definitely agree with you about being interested/learning about ,in this case, Japanese culture. My ex was Nigerian and several of my friends came from various parts of Africa, especially from the French speaking ones from the French club. I always enjoyed going there as I was always learning something new about their culture and the people.I will admit, the only thing(s) that I struggle with is some of the countries food.

I visited a Japanese festival and I felt sooo bad when someone asked me did I want to try the food. The food that they encouraged me to eat consisted of dishes that had eels in it. I didn’t want to seem rude,but I passed on it( Actually, it was quite pricey so that was another reason that I didn’t try it),but I did manage to try out other less costly foods,which were quite tasty.

That is what concern me the most–the food. My ex folks was in his country and he rarely cooked his own or American foods,so I didn’t get to eat a lot of his native dishes. Most of the men I seem to draw are guys from different countries,though I also get AA’s. What if the next man I date/marry isn’t from the states and their parents invites me to their home for a traditional meal? Little bit by bit, I’ve tried some non American foods. Some are great, some weren’t.

Far as cultural traditions, it’s all good. If there is anything that I have learned from my ex is that it has made look at culture in a broader sense and to further enlighten me about people. The world is not only ours,but it’s also about everybody who lives in it.

Yes, I’m also very interested in other cultures…it’s really only the foods that make me hesitate every time, too LOL. I’m VERY picky with food, and I’ve always been that way since I was a small child. I won’t even eat several foods from my own culture, much less all foods from other cultures. If it’s not unhealthy and tastes enough good to me, then I’ll eat it. Unfortunately, few things past the second test. I’ve been trying to expand my taste buds and try more and a wider variety of foods lately, though.

I am an Asian man and my wife is a Bleck woman.
We have our own long history as well.

The culture clash is probably one of the hardest thing to overcome.

I feel like sharing a few things that might give some of the ladies a hint into the mind of an Asian man.

Most Asian men are not necessarily shy, but their culture tend to demand silence and endurance. We are less likely to speak up about things we dislike, but just keep it in so as not to ruin things for the people around us. Instead of voicing those dislikes we are more likely to show our opinion in small subtle gestures.

This is one of the things that has caused problems in my own marriage. Though we have been able to work on it.

One other thing that I would say tends to be something that will make most Asian men shy away would be the so called “Ghetto Culture” as it is absolutely opposing everything in our own cultural standards and expresses extreme rudeness. (I say this in no offense to anyone)

We are a people who have a tendency to obsess over things, as you can very easily tell by looking at many products that come out of the east. That being said we tend to need our own alone time and space to pursue hobbies or personal peace. When too much of that is taken away, we stress and eventually want to run.

I say that, but in retrospect, it likely applies to any male.

There is much more I can write, but I need to tend to some errands here.

I don’t have a website or anything like that, though I would be fully open to answering any questions anyone here might have.

Thanks for clarifying that it is about the culture teaching silence rather than about shyness. I think most people assume shyness. I don’t find your comment offensive. I shy away from “ghetto culture” and those who practice it and have a ghetto mentality as well, as I do not relate to that at all, and find it oppositional to my culture and values, too. There are numerous black cultures worldwide, with differing traditions and values. Black Americans also have the choice to reject that negative aspect of their culture while embracing the rest of their culture. Ghetto culture will tend to clash with most men, and most people, and limit someone to low quality people. Thanks again for your perspective.

– only give an opinion when asked.
– refuse to answer or lie when asked for an opinion that has a negative answer.
– when giving an honest answer be extremely blunt.
– take many things literally as well as philosophically.
– trust no one.
– trust everyone.
– live by honor.
– guard your emotions.
– duty first.
– enigmatic speech.
– politeness.
– expect respect and in turn give it.
– hold back on violence, to a point.
– protect your and your family’s pride and honor.

Some examples:

I may hate a family member with a passion, but if they need help and whether or not they deserve it, I must do it out of duty, depending on the type of help.

I am mostly like a stoic person that rarely show my true emotions and may come off as very cold when stating my true opinions.

I don’t trust anyone but I trust that they will act according to what their personality and history dictate.

When I say something there is a high chance I mean something different.

Even when I am angry or in a heated argument, I will rarely curse and I have a very hard time respecting anyone who cannot return that courtesy.

If you hit me and I deserve it, then I will take in stride.

If you hit me and I don’t deserve it or you go overboard, then expect it to be returned, tenfold, no matter who you are.

Shame me, I shun you.

Attack my own, expect what could be considered a “blood feud”.

If I have to work or study, don’t bother me, it IS my priority before everything else until my task is done.

I probably have many faces or personas the one I show in private is probably the only important one.

If I don’t like something, I won’t say anything for a very long time, but I will hint to my feelings on the subject as time goes by. It’s your job to figure it out, if you don’t then I will eventually vocalize it, angry.

I met an Asian guy at a church dance (we weren’t members-it was just a random dance) and we danced together. He was new to swing dancing and I showed him some moves and praised him as he did better. Before I knew it we were dancing over and over again. I eventually walked away to dance with other men but danced with him one last time before we exchanged numbers. He asked me what I did for a living and asked where I lived and then we never spoke again.

About 9 months later I was watching a youtube video where a Korean man described how asian american men are often discriminated against and often don’t approach a women because of negative experiences or possible rejection for something he can’t control-his race.

After hearing this, and reflecting upon my own past rejections for being black, I decided to text him assuming the above reason is why he never contacted me. His response was, “Hi (insert my name), its been awhile”. We found we had many things in common and texted the night away.

He then contacted me the next day to see how I was doing. I was shocked that he remembered me and then texted me again the next day.

My question to you is this: How do I know he is interested? He never contacted me after the dance even though he seemingly didn’t want to stop dancing and he said we should hangout sometime. Then he texted me the day after I contact him-9 months later. I have never dated an asian man before.
How do I know if he just sees me as a friend or more than that?

The answer to your question is that you can’t know if he’s interested if he doesn’t ask you out. He may see you as a friend, and he may see you as more. Until or unless he does ask you out, you should continue to look for and date other eligible men. He’s Asian-American, meaning that he was socialized in the U.S., and is aware that in the U.S., a man who wants to date a certain woman invites that woman out. You’ve done enough already to show that you have a particular interest in him by taking the time to contact him after the dance. Texting did give him a comfortable space to ask you out. He chose not to, for whatever reason. I would not advise women to chase after men. If he does have issues that make him deeply insecure or fearful of women, then it’s his responsibility to work those out. It’s not your responsibility to run after random men and try to fix the issues that you think they may have. Here is an article that applies to your situation, even if it’s not about Asian-descent men in particular. http://interracialintersection.com/guys-who-dont-approach/

i loved how you said its important to choose you over the naysayers….its so true!!! ive learned to do this i stopped forcing myself to like who i didnt like just to make others happy. Ive learned to embrace what makes ME happy….and now…..i really dont pay attention to the uglyness of others. great post!!! i wish every single person could read this!!!

This was an excellent entry SR! espeically about embracing one another's culture. After all it does make sense, because you are going to be living with that culture if you are to be married to someone of asian decent. I am def. opened to dating asian men. But ya'll know me, I love Italian men, so guess what I read about Italian history, look up videos on different artifacts, I even took a fine arts class at my college and learned about the different ways the build things. I am and will eventually learn italian and of course I will visit there and find my husband!!! lol.

Again another excellent entry and when you learn different cultures you broaden you mind, you have more to talk about and it makes you more interesting! =D Follow your hearts ladies and dare to be different!

This article was very well written. Like I commented on FB, we should continue getting the message out there that AM are appealing to BW in more than one way. Thanks for posting….I'm late on commenting :/

Thanks for doing this, dipmodesquad!! I think it's a wonderful thing that both AM and BW have this desire to communicate and get to know each other. I subscribed to your channel. I can't wait to see your interviews!!

Aren't Asian men and Black women the most single of the population? Seems natural that they would eventually find each other. I married a Filipino man and we were happy for many years. We are divorcing, but it has nothing to do with our races. And we are still very close friends.
Thanks for the great article, I totally support your message!

Anyway, good post here… I like the points you gave, like getting familiar with the guy's culture. I've never dated an Asian guy but I get checked out and hit on occasionally by some. I do see BW/AM couples from time to time.

i truly appreciate this,i think the part i relate to the most is the culture. i’m married ( celebrating 6yrs on the 29th) my husband is filipino,being together i knew i’d end up trying new foods,having to to learn understand his mom and various other things.i was scared outta my mind about the food part because i use to have a weak stomach,i didn’t want to come off rude but knew how my stomach worked.to my surprise i overcame my tummy issues and learned to embrace and love the food and various other cultures foods. it’s best to try things first before you knock on them,you never know you might come to enjoy thank you again for posting this

Congratulations Eileen on 6 years of marital bliss and may you and yours continue to have many more years of it.

You had me to think about something when it comes to the subject of food.Though I have never dated an Asian man, I have dated an African, with the exception of some fish/rice dish my former boyfriend cooked up( I forget the name of it. It was good), I ,unfortunately and shamefully, is struggling to overcome my reservations about it. I once went to a Japanese festival and was flabbergasted by all the exotic foods that was there that I normally wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole like eels, squid. etc.I’ve eaten japanese food before, but I only had a pepper steak meal.

I love culture and dream of going to another country which is why I’m trying to eat better. One guy that I know spent a year in his case, China. He was telling me about the dinner he had–a pigs head/snort and rice. As I mentioned, I love culture,but if I would never want to be rude if I went to one’s country and offered me their finest cuisines.

Presently, I promised myself that i would sample food from various countries. So far, I liking certain east African dishes, Colombian food( Another thought that I had in trying these foods is that some of them can be rather spicy. My stomach can’t take a lot of spice. I cannot deal with hot wings), Indian food. I’ve always eaten more Greek , French and Italian dishes more than anything.

I believe I don’t feet in any of the the groups, but is funny how i could “identify” with some of the thing you said about the second group. I’ve always been attracted by non black men, my first crush was Pheonix River back in my teen years, but i always thouth it was wrong for some reason, I Adore Jet Li since i remember … and i can hosnestly say that i just recently started findind black men attractive. I recall my brother teasing me about making a interracial family at Sims (me being the wife ) and teasing my dad on how he would have a white in law, that around 9 years ago (I’m 22). But right know that’s is just not a probleme cause I embraced my love for men of all color and shapes!! and everyone knows that. If they like it or accept it! i don’t know or care, cause I’m peace with myself.. i just get annoyed from time to times by how confused people’s face look when they acknowledge my so caled “Asian fever”… guess it their problem!. I really enjoyed your post!

Wow ! that clip were sure hot ‘n heavy. I didn’t know that the Potrtuguese show that on TV,not that I’m against it…I think it’s great.

The thing that I like about was that they didn’t let the mixed relationship die off. This is the thing that I bothers me about American television. They will only let interracial couples stay on for a little amount of time before something goes wrong.Another thing that I liked about Barretihno e Sabrina was that they married and that they let them go deep into their lovemaking session( I’m a conservative, but that scene nearly blew my mind away). If that show would been played in the states,they would have just kissed and went bye-bye.

I was watching one soap opera, where an interracial child was involved, but like always, the parents are divorced. Maybe, they do it because of the possible reactions of the viewing audience,but to pretend that everybody are in single raced relationships isn’t true.That’s the real world.

Personally I think No. #1 applies more to men from Asia as opposed to Asian men born and raised outside of Asia. Most of the Asian-American men I’ve encountered have some general aspect for their culture passed down through family but are also very Americanized and are often turned off by girls that spend all their time talking about “Japanese this” and “Korean that.” I think sometimes women get so caught up in the idea of an Asian man and his “culture” they neglect the fact that this Asian guy could give a flying kcuf about the fact that you can name the latest anime show. I know this doesn’t apply to every Asian guy but anyone who’s been floating around on Asian men dating sites will see this come up over and over.

On the flipside when I lived in Japan most Japanese guys wanted to know me because I was black or American because it’s cool to be black (due to the hip-hop media) or American (due to media in general). This had its advantages and disadvantages at times.Shasha LaPerf recently posted..Shen and Black Neighborhoods

To the best of my knowledge, the author has dated and been in relationships with Asian guys, but not Asian-Americans. Not only is she physically attracted to (many) Asians, but she also has a particular interest in exploring and experiencing other cultures – particularly Asian cultures, as they interest her the most. Therefore, she probably just tends to gravitate toward the Asian guys who are in touch with their respective Asian cultures as opposed to very Westernized. Since she attends Asian cultural events with her friends for her own personal enjoyment (not just to meet Asian guys), then it’s only natural that she’d meet the sort of Asian guys who are still immersed in their culture. The article is helpful for women like her who are not only physically attracted to Asian guys but also interested in an Asian culture or cultures and therefore prefer guys in that package (looks and culture). Some people enjoy the experience of dual cultures in a relationship. Others may not care either way, and some would prefer a very Westernized version of the type of person they’re looking for. Women who don’t care either way or prefer Westernized Asian men may find that some portions of the article don’t apply to them as much. She’s speaking from her interest and experiences.

Well what I said is only an educated guess. We were cyber friends for 2 years but she has vanished into eternal oblivion.

I think people need to differentiate between Asian men (from asia…for whom which English may be a 2nd language) and Asian-American men (born, raised, and schooled here…and are about as american as any white guy).

I’m a filipino-american guy (parents are from the Philippines…but I was born and raised in sunny SoCal). I haven’t had ANY problems dating black women. And why should I? After all, I like R&B, Jazz…even “smooth Jazz” (just because many chick like this stuff). I may not be 6’4, 220lbs like many “bruthas.” But at 5’11” and 185 (and a pretty decent good athlete–I surf, go to the gym, and play basketball with my buddies) I’m OK in the “build” department. And, um…yes, I’m not that puny “down there” either. Must be from all the milk/meat/junk food that I eat–same as the bruthas.

The way I approach and treat black women is no different than the way I approach/treat asian/hispanic/white women: My sense of humor…a quick wit…and with lots and lots of respect. I’m always clean-shaven, well-groomed, and dress nicely (no gangsta…or trailer-park attire for me!). I always think that, while I may not “out-stud” a brutha, I can hold my own with ANYBODY…ANY RACE…on a date which requires talking/laughing/dancing…or just hangin’ out on a Saturday morning.

I actually prefer black women because, well, a lot of them have…uh…let’s just say I’m a “chest man”….and leave it at that!

I’m GLAD you don’t dress “gangsta.” Most black women who date interracially aren’t looking for a black American male stereotype in the body of a man of a different color. =/ In that case, they’d just get the real thing.

You sound like a cool guy to me. You work out, know how to dress and groom, and seem fun to be around. That’s a great start. Not many men have those basics down anymore, lol, sadly.

I think you two are right. We do need articles here from a black woman who dates Asian Americans, too.

I’m not sure about the women in your area, but a lot of black women who ARE interested in dating non-black men aren’t concerned about the “many bruthas” as you say. We are only concerned about our happiness.
5’11 is tall (probably because I’m 5’2), you take care of your body, you’re well dressed and seem to be a respectable and hilarious guy. I don’t think any heterosexual black woman interested in you would think to compare you to a black man. I would never do such a thing, that’s absurd, and just rude. A woman is definitely not interested in dating interracially, if she constantly compares you to a man who shares her ethnic background.
“I may not out stud a brutha”?
Your personality alone will keep a woman interested, believe me…don’t compare yourself at all. Filipino men are very attractive! As well as other Asian men.

LOL at Phuc Yu (quite the name there). three cheers for southeast asian men.

I’m dating a Burmese guy who is the gentleman of all gentlemen. Is he Asian American? Maybe. He’s lived in a few countries, though English wasn’t his first language. He knows enough about American and Black culture, spent most of his life in the US, and Burmese is his first language.

Culture is important, and he is open to learning about my culture as much as I am about his. I’ve learned more from him than any forum or video and if I ask him to teach me something he does.

My only concern is that more Black women acknowledge Asian men or Asian American men as just that, without limiting their “preferences” to Japan or Korea. There are plenty of Pacific Islands along with countries on the Southeast mainland of Asia. Men don’t say they prefer US Black women or Senegalese Black women, they just stay open-minded and approach. If you can’t tell Asian men apart based on features, stop discriminating against them once you know their ethnicity. It’s random weirdness.

Man this was good..I do know about the Asian culture..one of my best friends was half Japanese and her step mom was Korean and I lived next door to Filipinos so needless to say…I love the Asian culture..if I believed in re-incarnation I would say I had to be Asian in my past life :^)…I have a hard time finding Asian guys to date though. :)!

Well, yeah, Asian cultures differ from one another, just like black cultures or white cultures. Knowing one person or one family from a culture will not make one know all about the one culture, much less all of them…

Nice catch. Thanks for pointing that out so others won’t make assumptions like that. Don’t be too hard on Chellz.

“you must choose yourself over the naysayer’s”…”You will always lose if you try to live up to someone else’s standards”. You cannot want others to accept you as you are, if you don’t even accept yourself”.

SO true!! Definitely words to live by…I’m loving this blog more each day…thank you!

Well I want to say to Blog writer “that grapes are sour”.
Why won’t u Accept it that black girls love and like asian men not because they think they are “totempole” as u said.
The reason is that they develop good understanding with them and they know they are not less in any case with a white woman. iF black man can develop relation with white girls then they can do it outside from their race.
I am a asian man not of chinese or japnese, I am indian and I have seen asian men/black women couples live with more love than any usual couples.

Hi Hassan. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I think you may have misconstrued that sentence in the article SheRocks07 wrote. She was saying that some claim that black women and Asian men are at the bottom of the dating totem pole, and that some black women and Asian men buy into this falsehood, and don’t notice or realize how many people find them as individuals to be very attractive and desirable. I have seen some very happy Asian men/black women couples.

Oh, by the way, PrincessPoetress, if a man is “not happy” in his marriage, don’t let that be your problem. I’d be careful with that. Some men claim to not be happy in their marriages when seeking an extramarital affair.

I really love asian men ( I am particurlarly fond of Japan) and I find them very atractive and want to approach them but let my shyness get to me every time. I feel like I am not culturely inclined enough to approach or that I migh affend him in some way! I want to try a dating site but I don’t have 24/7 access to a computer and I hardly know where to start. Can someone help me?

Like Whitney Houston and Kevin Coster in the movie “Bodyguard”, you have to take things slowly whether you are attracted to someone of a different race or even the same race. In other words, you have to start talking, engaging, and even building a relationship with that person. Heart to heart communication and honesty are the main keys to your successful relationship leading to marriage.