When Stay-at-Home Fathers Return to Work (Elsewhere)

By JULIA LAWLOR

Published: August 1, 2004

After five years at home full time with his two children, Martin Banks was itching to get back to the adult world of work. But how to explain the gap on his résumé?

''I decided to make it a job, because by golly, that's what it was,'' Mr. Banks said. ''It was work.''

Under ''Temporary Retirement'' on his résumé, he wrote: ''Devoted five years to raising my son and daughter. Responsibilities included changing diapers, preparing nutritious meals, making boo-boos feel better.''

Mr. Banks, 42, a former video technology engineer in San Diego who is married to a lawyer, is one of a small group of fathers in the United States who have temporarily chosen domestic life over the workaday grind. Like many stay-at-home mothers, these fathers often go back to work after some time at home. But when the time comes to trade the dishrag for a briefcase, many stay-at-home fathers are rejecting all-consuming corporate jobs and trying to re-enter the work force on their own terms.

''Men, especially the younger generation, want to craft their own careers and not feel dependent upon the rigid structure of the workplace,'' said Kathleen Gerson, a professor of sociology at New York University who studies gender, work and family issues. ''Taking care of children can become a time out for them to rethink their careers and make a shift.''

Many mothers who take time off from work to raise children grapple with ways to balance home and work life. But for men, cutting back on work for the sake of family life is still uncharted territory.

''People think, 'Isn't it odd that he dropped out? What's wrong with him? Where's his wife?''' said Libby Gill, an executive coach in Los Angeles and the author of a 2001 book, ''Stay at Home Dads: The Essential Guide to Creating the New Family.''

''Men are meant to go drag a side of beef back to the cave,'' she said.

This spring, Mr. Banks turned down an offer of a job running the San Francisco office of a video equipment supplier in favor of opening a business doing the same thing. ''I wanted to determine my own lifestyle,'' he said. ''If I had a staff job, I wouldn't be able to pick the kids up from school, take them back to the office and say, 'Sit on the couch and watch this movie while I finish work.'''

According to Census Bureau statistics, there were 105,000 stay-at-home fathers of children under 15 who were not in the work force in 2002, compared to 5.2 million stay-at-home mothers. But the number of fathers who are essentially the primary caregiver for their children is probably higher, according to stay-at-home dad groups and work and family researchers, because many also do some part-time work or consulting from home.

''We're at the point where there is always somebody who knows somebody who is a stay-at-home dad,'' said James A. Levine, director of the Fatherhood Project at the Families and Work Institute in New York.

Moreover, even fathers still on the job feel a greater pull toward home. In a study published by the institute in April, 68 percent of the men who responded said they would take advantage of flextime at work if it were available. That was not far below the 79 percent of women who said they would probably use flextime if it were offered.

Tom Brown, 43, of Highland Park, N.J., was working 60 hours a week for a large pharmaceutical firm in New Jersey before he was laid off in 2002. After a year, he and his wife, a librarian, decided he would stay home temporarily with their daughter, who was then 8, while his wife worked full time.

He wound up taking a part-time job after a few months and is now back in the market for full-time work, but he is willing to sacrifice half his former salary as a technology expert to get a job in the nonprofit arena -- and, hopefully, a more reasonable schedule.

His old job created ''an insane lifestyle,'' he said. He recalled that when he was first laid off, his daughter looked up from her meal one night and exclaimed, ''Daddy, you're at the dinner table.''

Dr. Kyle D. Pruett, a professor of child psychiatry at the Yale School of Medicine, conducted a 10-year study of 20 stay-at-home fathers beginning in 1980, and found that they were all profoundly changed by their experience. When they returned to work, Dr. Pruett said, they became better employees. ''They were more interested in being bottom-line productive, were better team players and often felt impatient with office politics.''

Five years into the study, only three men were back working full time and three part time. (None were able to return to their original jobs.) Ten years after the study began, about half had changed their profession.

Bill White, 37, a sales executive for a computer services firm, decided to stay home five years ago after he and his wife had a son.

Two years ago, applying for a part-time job as a mortgage consultant, he told the interviewer that his child came first. ''I said I was a stay-at-home dad, and I would fit the work around my schedule,'' Mr. White said. He got the job.

David Falls, 35, a former purchasing manager for a small manufacturer, is at home with his two daughters, but he expects to be back in the job market in two or three years -- possibly in a different field. ''I really enjoyed what I was doing, and it took a long time to get where I was,'' said Mr. Falls, who lives in Hamden, Conn. ''But I don't think I'd be hired back at the same level.''

Instead, he is considering becoming a teacher and earning a master's degree in education.

Career coaches say it is prudent for stay-at-home fathers to stay current in their fields, maintain their networks of contacts and perhaps even do some part-time work to make themselves marketable if they return.

It is best not to introduce the subject of being a stay-at-home father in a job interview, said Wendy Alfus-Rothman, an executive coach in New York, but there is no reason to be defensive if it does arise.

''Approach it in terms of your responsibilities, your functional skills,'' she said, ''negotiating, relationship skills, time management, running the day-to-day schedules. You were C.O.O. of the family.''

If the interviewers do not appear to be receptive, do not waste time trying to enlighten them. Move on to the next company.

''Some industries are more open than others,'' Ms. Rothman said. ''You want to work for a company that considers this a badge of honor, rather than an embarrassment.''

Photo: David Falls, with his daughters, Haley, 6, left, and Chloe, 2, expects to be back in the job market in two or three years. (Photo by Douglas Healey for The New York Times)