Those words arent even CLOSE to the WORDS you should be saying to me RIGHT NOW!

Dudley

I know, but . . .

Dara

THOSE WORDS, those are the words that are fucking us up. It is those particular words that are at the heart of our problem, Dudley, those are the PROBLEM words. Now, I need you to listen to me, right now, because this is very important. Look at me. You cant ever, ever say that to me, ever again. Promise me that you will never speak those words to me, Dudley, please. Promise.

Dudley

I cant do that.

Dara

God DAMN it, Dudley!

Dudley

I cant and I wont.

Dara

Honey . . .

Dudley

I wont. Im done pretending.

Short pause.

Dara

Why are you trying to ruin this? We got a good thing going here, dont you think? Dont you enjoy our weekends together?

Dudley

I do enjoy them, more than anything else in the world.

Dara

Then why are you so bound and determined to fuck the whole thing up?

Dudley

Dara, I love you.

Dara

Stop it. Im going to pretend you didnt say that.

Dudley

And I know that you love me.

Dara

You dont know half of what you think you know.

Dudley

I feel it and I know you feel it.

Dara

You can feel it all you want, you just cant say it.

Dudley

Why cant I say it?

Dara

Because I cant do this then, Dudley, thats why. I cant.

Dudley

Why not? Its real, you know its real.

Dara

Well see, Dudley, heres the thing, if we dont say it, then we dont really know for sure, do we? You can suspect its real, and I can suspect its real, and in the back of our hearts and minds when were out having dinner or holding hands or making love, we can maybe even suspect and pretend that its real together, we can do that in a safe, unspoken way. We can do that. Its safe, because it might or might not be real. We can pretend it is and we can also pretend that it isnt. Thats very important. But once you say the words, once you put it out there, theres no pretending anymore. Once you say the words its either real or its not real.

Dudley

So?

Dara

So in order for me to do this, I need to be able to pretend.

Dudley

Pretend . . . pretend that it is or that it isnt?

Short pause

Dara

I need to be able to pretend that . . . it isnt. I have to.

Dudley

Thats why you want me to promise I dont even when I do.

Dara

You have to promise me.

Dudley

Im tired of promising that I dont and wont. I said it. I mean it. Its real.

Brief pause. Dara sighs.

Dara

Well. It is now.

Dudley

Where are you going?

Dara

Im leaving.

Dudley

But we have the whole weekend yet.

Dara

You should have thought about that before you opened your mouth.

Dudley

Youre leaving, does that mean . . . are you saying . . . its over, everything, the two of us?

Dara

What do you think?

Short pause.

Dudley

You dont want to go, you dont want to leave me.

Dara

I do a lot of things I dont want to do, Dudley.

Very brief pause

Dudley

Ill tell.

Dara

Who are you going to tell?

Dudley

Who do you think Im going to tell?

Brief pause. Dara lets out a scream.

Dara

Oh MY GOD, I cant believe this is happening, I am such a Goddamn fucking IDIOT, I should have KNOWN THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN! We should have never gone to the gym and worked out together that time, thats what did it, you in those workout tights, me and my endorphin rush. God damn it! I knew it would be a mistake, I knew it! Fucking younger men! FUCK!

Dudley

Im sorry, but I cant let you do this. This is too real to walk away from.

Dara

You are twenty-two years old, Dudley, twenty-two! The sum total of what you know to be real is jack fucking shit! Goddamn it, why am I such a dumb bitch, why!

Dudley

Youre not that much older than me.

Dara

The difference between twenty-two and twenty-nine is a lifetime, Dudley.

Dudley

You were twenty-two when I met you.

Dara

And like I said, the sum total of what a twenty-two year old knows is jack fucking shit. This is all my fault.

Dudley

Dont leave. Stay with me. Not just tonight or the weekend. Stay forever.

Dara

I cant leave him.

Dudley

He doesnt appreciate you. He doesnt treat you right.

Dara

Listen to me. I cant leave him.

Dudley

I dont think he even likes you.

Dara

Listen to the words coming out of my mouth. I cant leave him. I cant and I wont. Im ending this. I should have ended it a long time ago. I shouldnt have even let it start. Its my fault.

Dudley

You cant end it, you cant.

Dara

I have to, honey.

Dudley

No! Ill tell!

Dara

You wont tell him.

Dudley

I swear to God Ill tell him, I fucking mean it!

Brief pause.

Dara

And what do you think hes going to do, Dudley, clap you on the back and say, "Well hell, thanks for telling me you were fucking my wife, lets have a drink?" This is a confrontation youre proposing. Hes going to be angry. Hes going to be really angry.

Dudley

I can handle him angry.

Dara

I dont think youre ready for this kind of angry. Were talking anger of biblical proportions here, were talking the wrath of Moses on the Egyptians here. Thunder, lightning, locusts and plague, thats how hes going to descend on you and me, both of us. Thats the reality. He will never forgive you.

Dudley

Hell forgive me.

Dara

Hes a husband whos wife youve been having an affair with, he cant forgive you.

Dudley

Hes my father, he has to forgive me.

Short pause.

Dara

He wont. He wont forgive you or me.

Dudley

He will. Ill just tell him that were in love, real love.

Dara

And thats why he wont.

Dudley

He will. Ive thought about it. He will.

Dara

Dudley.

Dudley

What?

Dara

I dont love you.

Dudley

You do.

Dara

No Dudley, I dont. I dont love you.

Dudley

You dont mean that.

Dara

Listen to the words. I said it, now its out there and its real. I dont love you.

Dudley

Youre just pretending. This is one of your safe pretend things.

Dara

Its not pretend.

Dudley

You even said that you needed to be able to pretend that it isnt, which means . . .

Dara

Which means I had an excuse. Listen to me. I dont love you. I never did. This was just a fling, a Mrs. Robinson fantasy fling I had because I was bored and lonely. Im a miserable, sexually unfulfilled woman taking advantage of an attractive younger man. Im your stepmother for Christs sake! If I really cared about you at all I wouldnt have put you in this position. So dont do this. Not for me. Im not worth it. Telling him is not going to change the fact that I dont love you. Im sorry. I was pretending that I did because it was fun and felt . . . good, it felt really good. Pretending to be in love with you was a real rush and thrill, but the reality is that I am not. I am very sorry.

Pause. Dudley gets up and slowly walks toward the door. He stops and looks at her.

Dudley

I wont tell. I should but . . . I wont.

Dara

Dudley . . .

Dudley

Im just going to pretend the whole thing . . . never happened. Thats what Im going to do. Pretend.

Dudley slowly exits. Dara puts her head in her hands.

End of play

"Pretend It Is"
IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED,
PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE
AUTHOR

"Pretend It Is"
debuted January 17, 2003,
performed by Peter Stoll and Christy Klein.