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CAMBRIDGE, MA — Earlier this week, an international team of biologists announced the discovery of a second Curious George Store deep in the Amazon rainforest. Conservationists around the world cheered the announcement, expressing renewed optimism that the nearly-extinct species may be saved.

“For the past decade, the Curious George Store in Harvard Square was thought to be the World’s OnlyTM,” said Diane Winter, a Professor of Zoology and Cartoon Primatology at Harvard. “That’s why this announcement is so bananas.”

SPRINGFIELD, MA - Witnesses at local-favorite Sweet Cakes Bakery reported being startled while standing in line in front of the cupcake display when customer Carys Jones began hungrily shaking her head in the direction of both the decadent cakes and the succulent tin menu board above it. Eye witness Martha Hannery of Southwick reported: “My son stood behind me and asked me what the strange lady wanted. I couldn’t say, I was scared too. Then she just turned her head, stared into my poor little boy’s soul and bellowed, ‘I DON’T KNOOOOW!”

Hello, partners at real estate investment firms that are headquartered far, far away from Cambridge, Massachusetts! Take this short quiz to determine which beloved Harvard Square institution you could replace without anyone noticing.

1. Just how beloved is the Harvard Square establishment you are thinking of ruthlessly demolishing? A. Super belovedB. Actually, not really

MILWAUKEE, WI -- Area woman Julianna Delaney shocked those around her by exposing her inner dominatrix last night when she gave her boyfriend, Jared Kogan, a few tips about how to better satisfy her sexually. Kogan reportedly balked at Delaney’s request that he “go a little slower, and put your hands on my back,” and ran out of her apartment. In a statement to the press, he expressed his surprise and dismay at his partner’s unmasked kinks, saying, “She should have told me if she’s looking for a sex slave. What’s next - she’s going to put me on a leash and whip me?”

SEATTLE, WA — Earlier this afternoon, 8-year-old Jeffrey Fuller shocked legislators, political pundits, and third graders across the globe by declaring a National Emergency in order to secure 5.7 scoops of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey ice cream.

WASHINGTON, DC — Area man Mike Jacobson pondered aloud the necessity of drastic action in his home office yesterday, as the monstrous shadow of Golgamor, Eater of Worlds, Bringer of Death, Crusher of a Thousand Stars, began to eclipse the sun.

As the ground began to quake with the footsteps of the primordial superbeing now exhumed from His resting place beneath the sands of time, Jacobson wondered whether it was worth the risk to pursue an extreme plan of action.

BOSTON, MA– Citing the 11,000 championships in the past 18 years won by the city’s 4 major sports teams, Boston Duck Tours CEO Sheila Donahue announced on Tuesday the company's decision to operate exclusively for championship parades.

PLEASANTVILLE, NY— Blatantly disregarding the recommended price range of $10 - $15, area Mother Theresa Jack Anderson graciously gifted his Secret Santa a half-eaten bag of Rold Gold® Original Tiny Pretzels, which he reportedly picked up at a CVS 10 minutes before the gift exchange, then ate on the way over.

One by one, gift exchange participants unwrapped their items to reveal heartwarming presents ranging from homemade snickerdoodles to custom pajama sets and Sims 4. But when it was Molly Smith's turn, everyone was blown away by Jack’s charitable giving.

PORTLAND, OR — After several agonizing attempts to refuse paying more money than he has to, area man Max Reynolds finally summoned up enough courage to select the ‘No Tip’ option on the iPad at the pay counter of his local coffeeshop.