You know that thing you do where you're always pretending to be swimming in shark-infested water and disrupting commuters during rush hour? Fucking stop it.

Awesome armbands, dude, but most normal people who regularly make-believe that they are Olympic gymnasts do so on the playground.

I know you guys are in love and everything, but I only have one day left to live, and I'd prefer not to spend it propping my broken body up against the rail next to the courtesy seats, whatever the fuck those are.

Drinking yourself into a catatonic stupor to forget the string of failures that can be loosely defined as your "life" is a ritual that should be reserved for home and family-time. People need to get through these doors right now.