Let us all rise and open our Discordian Hymnal to Page #023, the holiest of holy songs, "Justified and Ancient" by The KLF (and Tammy Freakin' Wynette)

For those not initiated into the awesome powers of the KLF, I will quote from the Discordian holy book "A Pocket Full of Chaos":

The KLF- also known by various other names including The Justified Ancients of Mu Mu, The Timelords, The K Foundation, and 2K - were one of the seminal bands of the British acid house movement during the late 1980s and early 1990s.

They gained notoriety for various anarchic situationist manifestations which included billboard advert defacements; a Brit awards protest involving a machine gun, a dead sheep and buckets of blood; highly unique and abnormal performances on Top of the Pops; peculiar mainstream press adverts and regular full page ads in the NME; the staging of an alternative art award for the worst artist of the year; and burning a million pounds sterling.

The Justified Ancients of Mu Mu name was adopted in 1987 by Drummond and Cauty, fans of "The Illuminatus! Trilogy" books. They mirrored the fictional JAMs' gleeful political devices of causing chaos and confusion by bringing a direct, comical. Yet nevertheless ground-breaking approach to making records.

That's right, a band whose sole purpose in life was to tell everyone how awesome "The Illuminatus! Trilogy" is. If they don't deserve #23 (and #2, coincidentally) on this list, then no one does.

Believe it or don't, but I've actually been doing this blogging thing for over a year now. I completely missed the anniversary too. For some strange reason I thought that I had started at the end of January and not the beginning. I think blogging was supposed to be my "unofficial so I'll actually stick to it" New Year's Resolution last year. At any case, that means that this post was the closest you'll get to an anniversary celebration I'm going to have. Hooray.

At any rate, since I've been at this blogging thing for over a year that makes me somewhat of a success story. Blogging, much like the restaurant industry, is a failure more times than not. If you can make it past a year then you are certifiably insane. To help others out there in their own blogging endeavors I have decided to offer you, free of charge, several pieces of advice that I have all but ignored on my way to mediocrity:

1) Find a good reputable site to host your blog. Blogger is good. WordPress isn't bad but I never liked the feel of it. LiveJournal should be your last resort. Squarespace is best if you have an iPhone and money to throw around. If you can register your own domain, then by all means.

Ways I have ignored this: I'm at Blogger. Enough said.

2) Learn some HTML. You don't have to get fancy with it. Know how to do bold, italics, links, blockquote, how to post pictures. The basics, in other words. You don't have to be an expert, but it helps to know your way around and how to fix things if you royally fuck up.

Ways I have ignored this: I typically cheat and use the toolbars that Blogspot provides you. I know absolutely nothing about layouts and design. And I couldn't code my way out of a paper bag.

3) Write write write. Write as much as you can. Write everyday if you can. Experiment with style and content. Figure out what works for you and do it. Don't be afraid to put yourself out there. Find inspiration where you can.

Ways I have ignored this: If you haven't noticed I have a lazy habit of just posting entertaining videos rather than writing. Or I'll post about writing other people have done. Personally I think my writing is rubbish, but is slightly better than it was a year ago. At the very least I am writing longer entries now.

4) Be your own proof-reader. Once you write something, go back over it to looks for errors. See if misspelled any words, accidentally left out any words, and just see if the flow is right. Make sure you check your facts and add links where necessary.

Ways that I have ignored this: I have a nasty habit of dropping the word "not" from sentences. I believe I did it twice this summer and others corrected me. I was horrible about not reading my stuff at the beginning. Hopefully I've learned my lesson.

5) Promote, but don't spam. Once you've got that writing thing down, go out there and let others know you exist. Share links with your friends. Use social media to get your name out there. Connect with other bloggers that share your interests. At the same time, don't over-expose yourself. No one likes spammers or attention whores.

Ways I have ignored this: I'd like to think that I haven't done too bad with this. I participated in Skeptic's Circle several times. I got several link backs thanks to my two-parter on Russ Pulliam and the Indy Star. I use Twitter all of the time to update people on when I've posted something. I used Yahoo Answers to spam my post on Lady Gaga, but I have no regrets on that! But, at the same time, almost no one that I know in real life knows about this blog. I've never used Facebook to promote myself. I could find more ways to promote myself but it sorta embarrasses me.

6) Interact with your readers. The main reason to write things online is so others can read it and talk back to you. That's what the comment section is for. Get to know your readers and what they expect from you.

Ways that I have ignored this: According to Google I currently have roughly 22 followers. Statcounter says that I have around 40 regular visitors. And yet, I get almost no comments. The few times I have had commenter it was either a spammer or someone correcting me about my grammar. This means that either my readers think that I am far superior to them and are afraid to talk. Or (more likely) I haven't said anything interesting enough to warrant comments.

[Confidential to Garden City, Michigan: Your haircut is stupid.]

[Confidential to Madison, Wisconsin: Keep being awesome.]

So there you have it. Follow all of this advice and you will be as successful as me. You'll have women (or men, as the case may be) hanging all over you. Millions will hang on your every word. You'll get your book/movie deal in no time.

Or you'll end up internet famous. That and $2.50 will get you a cup of coffee.

Ok, just a quick question here. Why is it "maths" and "sport" when everyone in their right mind would say "math" and "sports"? Math, as a subject, is considered an umbrella term for all of the various brands of mathematics. Calling a class Maths makes as much sense as calling it Histories or Sciences.

Meanwhile sports, as a section of news reporting, typically covers more than one different type of sport. I know you Brits don't play any real sports, but I'm sure that you sprinkle in a couple of rugby and haggis hurling results in with your daily soccer scores. (And yes, it is called soccer. Suck it.) Calling a section sport makes as much sense as calling it Current Event or just New.

While we are at it, stop saying biscuit, boot, and lift when you really mean cookie, trunk, and elevator. And don't even get me started on how you completely misuse the words fanny and fag.

Please fix these problems in your fucked up language ASAP or we promise to elect another president who will royally fuck it up worse than you ever could.

Love,

America

P.S. Stop it with the unnecessary "U"s while you are at it. It is very inefficient and makes you look silly.

It turns out that Mormons make the most unintentionally hilarious movies ever. Who knew that they even had a sense of humor?

To answer your questions, yes that is former BYU and NFL quarterback (and great-great-great-grandson of Brigham Young) Steve Young at the 0:37 mark; and yes, it is currently available on Netflix for your viewing pleasure.

I recently started reading the book "The Red Queen: Sex and the Evolution of Human Nature" by Matt Ridley thanks to a recommendation from someone on Twitter. As you can probably tell from the name, it is about the evolutionary psychology of sexual selection and the emergence of human nature. I particularly liked this quote from chapter 2, which seems to have a bit of a Discordian bend to it.

A gazelle on the African savanna is trying not to be eaten by cheetahs, but it is also trying to outrun other gazelles when a cheetah attacks. What matters to the gazelle is being faster than other gazelles, not being faster than cheetahs. (There is an old story of a philosopher who runs when a bear charges him and his friend. "It's no good, you'll never outrun a bear, " says the logical friend. "I don't have to," replies the philosopher. "I only have to outrun you.")

In the same way, psychologists sometimes wonder why people are endowed with the ability to learn the part of Hamlet or understand calculus when neither skill was of much use to mankind in the primitive conditions where his intellect was shaped. Einstein would probably have been as hopeless as anybody in working out how to catch a woolly rhinoceros. Nicholas Humphrey, a Cambridge psychologist, was the first to see clearly the solution to this puzzle. We use our intellects not to solve practical problems but to outwit each other. Deceiving people, detecting deceit, understanding people's motives, manipulating people—these are what the intellect is used for. So what matters is not how clever and crafty you are but how much more clever and craftier you are than other people. The value of intellect is infinite. Selection within the species is always going to be more important than selection between the species.

Mankind has always been his own worst enemy, ready to sell his own mother for a little bit of power or money or territory. But at the same time being back-stabbing apes is what gave us our intellect in the first place. Discord makes the world go round. Strife is how we hone our skills and settle dispute. People that aren't alert enough or smart enough to out-maneuver his fellow man get dispensed with rather quickly. Any illusion of altruism is purely coincidental. Sure, social animals like ants are really amazing but when is the last time they sent a rocket to the moon?

If you haven't been following the crazy situation in Zimbabwe over the last couple of years here is all you need to know about their financial troubles: Because Robert Mugabe was printing so much money in order to keep the country afloat that in July 2008 their inflation rate was 231,000,000%. A single egg cost ZW$50 billion. By all measures, their system of currency completely failed. It got so bad that the government was printing ten, fifty and one hundred trillion dollar notes, which thanks to the miracle of eBay I now have in my possession:

Before you go hitting me up for a loan though, realize that these bills are now worth (almost) nothing. The Zimbabwean government abandoned its currency in April 2009. At the time it was the Zimbabwean dollar was the least valued currency in the history. One Zimbabwean dollar was literally worth less than a piece of toilet paper.

The lesson we should learn from this is that money only means something when there is something tangible behind it. Everyone has to agree (more or less) on what is worth how much. If you break the illusion for even a brief moment then all you are left with is funny looking paper that isn't worth wiping your ass with.

Of course, I wasn't invited to the round table so Discordianism did not get a fair shake. (It never does.) That's why I would like to take this opportunity to offer Tiger the chance to become a worshiper of Eris, the goddess of Chaos, Discord, and Strife. Now Discordianism doesn't have the instant redemption with no real work, "Get Out of Hell Free" card that Christianity offers. Nor it doesn't have the fun, "Live a thousand lives until you get it right" reincarnation of Buddhism and Hinduism. It doesn't even have the cool beards and 72 virgins of Islam. (Tiger doesn't seem to be a fan of virgins anyways.)

However, what Discordianism has is the promise of infallibility, the ability to think for yourself (schmuck!), and all the hot dogs you can eat. Plus I've heard that chicks dig guys who can swallow their own nose. How could he possibly pass up an opportunity like this?

Congratulations! You have successfully made it to a new year/decade. How does it feel, human? In order to make it a proper celebration I think I will start a new tradition by performing an ancient Discordian ritual every new year for my blog followers:

By the power invested in me by the Great Goddess Eris, Mother of All Chaos, Discord, and Strife, I declare that every Man, Woman, and/or Child who reads this blog is an Official Discordian Pope. You are now completely infallible so don't take any crap from anyone!

(For a pocket sized pope card for your wallet take your computer to the nearest copy machine, lay the monitor flat on it and print your own off. Or I'm sure you will think of some other way of doing it.)