Tag: girlfriend

FFS this post is delayed. Though unintended I have taken 2.5 months to get this sucker out…As such, here’s a little #TBT for your Thursday afternoon….

It was an ordinary November afternoon when I received a Snapchat message from good ole’ Boston Boy (upgraded to Boston Babe), my super sweet fling from the summer who took me to baseball games and held my hand at the dinner table. It said: “Hey, do you know any good places to eat in downtown Toronto?” I laughed to myself, realizing that this was exactly how he’d started our very first tinder convo (yes, I have that good a memory). I was in the middle of a drrrry spell…one that actually started when B-Boy left Toronto back in August. Work was out of control busy, I was studying for a grad school entrance exam, and had a general apathy toward dating of any kind, so ya, I didn’t hesitate setting up our date.

We agreed to meet at his hotel and I showed up nervous and excited. After all, I hadn’t seen the guy in almost 3 months and couldn’t even remember if I thought he was cute. He ended up getting stuck at work so I decided to make the best of the situation and grabbed a glass of wine and a seat at the bar. I ended up chatting to the guy at the stool next to me (don’t get the wrong idea, he was well over 50) and had a pretty hilarious time. I felt a little like the star of my own version of “Pretty Woman”, trying to set up a client while waiting for another to arrive. The gentleman asked if I was staying in the hotel, to which I replied: “Nope just visiting a friend” just as Boston Babe showed up, looking way cuter than I remembered I may add. I struggled to find my credit card and pay for the drink only looking up when the bartender yelled “THAT WAS THE SMOOTHEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN”. Always considerate, my Boston Babe had subtly paid the tab and grabbed my stuff. All I could do was muster a quiet “thank you” and grab his hand before heading straight for the elevators.

The rest of the night was honestly amazing. We hooked up, ate pizza in bed, hot-tubbed, hooked up, watched a movie, slept, and again hooked up. It was as if we picked up right where we let off and quickly transitioned from ‘what’ve you been up to’ pleasantries to meaningful conversation. I left the next morning, after enjoying a complimentary hotel breakfast, feeling elated and excited to see him again. Oh! and I mustn’t forget that the gentleman from the bar the night before turned up again, this time sitting across from me as I ate toast and scrambled eggs, while I kept my blushing cheeks pointed to my plate.

Fast forward a few weeks and I am in a full-on ‘fling-lationship’. I dub this term to explain the otherwise uncategorically expressed phenomenon: I was 100% in a relationship for a very defined period of time. We texted, ate meals together, talked about our days, and spent a lot of time together. By the last week of his trip I had definitely grown attached, more than to just having someone in my life but to him as well. We went skating one night and as he held my hands and skated backwards, guiding us around the rink I couldn’t help but think: “Why does he have to leeeeaaaveeee”. I was so happy to continue doing what we were doing that I couldn’t help but feel slighted to have found someone I get along with so well when he happens to live in another country. A country with a president like Trump no less.

We had some very deep life chats over the course of a couple weeks, even getting into our pasts and relationship deal breakers which is something I rarely share with my male companions. I admitted mine is overemotional guys…ya, I’m pretty callous…hence my hesitance to share. It turned out I needn’t worry, as his exes always complained that he didn’t open up and was too emotionally reserved…Well no wonder we friggen got along so well! I don’t like to talk about feelings with the guy I’m dating and he doesn’t like to talk about feelings. period.

Well, while our mutual fear of intimacy made for a perfect fling, it also made it kind of hard to understand if the feelings I was developing were real. By the end of his trip my mind had turned into a broken record “Should I say how I feel? Could he feel the same way? Am I asking to be rejected by a guy who admittedly doesn’t open up??” I continued this one-woman game of ‘relationship chicken’, torn between taking a risk or letting this great guy just pass me by until it was suddenly our last night together and I still hadn’t said anything. You’d think I’d be capable of uttering a simple “Hey, I like you and I’d actually give this a shot…what do you think?”, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

Despite my overwhelming cowardice we had a great night. Well, no…Let me clarify. I had a perfectly good night but he was clearly VERY off…to this day I don’t know what was wrong but he didn’t enjoy the physical part of our relationship in the same way he had throughout all the time we’d spent together prior. Maybe he was also playing relationship chicken and was more wrapped up in his thoughts than in my embrace? Maybe he had a rough day at work? Who knows. I

left the next morning knowing that it’d be the last time I saw him. Whether or not he felt the way I did one thing was clear: neither of us had the balls to turn this into anything real and without someone stepping up to the plate we’d go down in history as the greatest potential relationship never to reach the major leagues.

We had a great time together and while losing him stung a bit, I was over it after a couple days and quickly dove back into work, studying and not giving a fuck about dating. I won’t be the type of girl always at someone else’s beck and call, so if he ever came back to T.O., single or not, our fling-lationship would remain safely where it belongs: on my blog.

I used to think that girls and guys could be just friends. I really did! I’ve had many guy friends in the past and am 100% comfortable bro-ing out. Hell, sometimes I NEED the testosterone in my life to balance out particularly dramatic periods of time. But I have finally accepted that in any very close male-female relationship, it is not possible to always be “just friends”. In fact, to quote my fave relationship guru and fellow DTT6 author Rachel Green, a guy and girl can only actually be friends if they both successfully pass the “Do I like this person” hurdle at least some point in the relationship. Why I bring this up you might ask? Well, for the second time in my life I have had my best and closest guy friend admit to having feelings for me and for the second time in my life I had to give up on a friendship that has been ruined by sex – or in these cases, a lack thereof.

Quick background on me: I lost my virginity to my best friend in Grade 12, told him I liked him only as a friend, lost that friendship, realized I liked him a year later, dated for a year, broke up in what can only be described as world war 3, and hooked up on and off for almost 2 years until that went down in flames. If our breakup was world war 3 then the finality of our relationship was world war Z, and the carnage was epic on both ends. I decimated that friendship and almost 5 years after our initial breakup the wound has not properly healed. Safe to say I’m pretty sensitive when it comes to the treacherous waters where emotion meets friendship.

Despite this, I got very close to one of my male co-workers when starting at my current job. We don’t have much in common in terms of interests but for some reason we just click. Over the last year and a half we have gotten incredibly close, spending time together outside of work constantly and ingratiating each other in our respective lives. He’s facetimed with my family, I’ve gone for dinner with him and his dad and as time went on the lines between us grew increasingly blurry. Nonetheless, it never seemed like a problem worth addressing..I didn’t think of him him that way and didn’t think about how he felt about me.

Cut to – August 2016 when this great friend of mine turned into a compete a-hole. Seemingly overnight my closest male ally had become my enemy, acting distant and insulting at every turn. He pushed me away and I just didn’t understand why.

Never one to shy away from conflict I confronted him, at work mind you, and asked WTF was up. Honestly, I thought he was going to tell me he had feelings for our DTT6 resident Miranda and was absolutely FLABBERGASTED when he instead admitted to having feelings for me. I was shocked, confused, and a tiny bit flattered. His feelings ran quite a bit deeper than a crush, and his hurtful behaviour stemmed from an inability to balance our friendship with how he felt.After a very uncomfortable convo where I had to straight up tell this great guy that I was not into him we left the office in separate directions, me understanding what I did to piss him off (answer: not love him back) and him needing some space from our friendship.

I am not so naive to think this never would have happened. Tons of my friends had previously asked what was up, either believing he was into me or otherwise gay, so I was really the only one surprised by this news.The only explanation that I can provide is it’s a likely combo of denial and wishful thinking. I never would’ve wanted to hurt him or our friendship, so I pretended the notion of us as being an “us” didn’t exist for as long as I could.

But now everything was out in the open and I totally respected the need for distance. I went about my days as typically as possible, patiently hoping things would rectify themselves. And like most things do, our relationship eventually did go back to normal. We talked more, hung out, and I just assumed that his feelings had passed. “Maybe he was confusing closeness with intimacy and never even really liked me like that” I told myself this and honestly, I believed it. After a little while I didn’t even think about that 2 hour conversation that left us both without a best friend. The facetimes returned, the dinners too and I thought we’d made it past the hurdle Rachel so eloquently mentioned at the beginning of this post. In fact, we got even CLOSER if that’s possible and spent every waking minute together, at work and outside as well. He became my “emotional boyfriend” and while I definitely saw the danger in that I ignored it. He made me feel happy, secure and cared for without having the pressure to define anything because we already had a definition: Friends. At this point I actually did think about what it’d be like to be with him in a more romantic way, and it just wasn’t there for me.

Then came the holidays, a hard time for all single people. After a very boozy holiday party we ended up back at my place with two other friends. While they chilled in the main room we went to my bedroom to roll a joint. We were standing by my dresser chopping the weed when he looked over and leaned in #StonerRelationshipGoals. Honestly, this couldn’t have been more perfectly choreographed if it was intended for television but as he leaned in I leaned out, narrowly missing his kiss.

(I am soooo not proud of my next few moments but they happened so I may as well be honest). Though I rejected him pretty blatantly, I was very flirty the rest of the night, even telling him “You don’t need to regret it” when he said he didn’t feel badly about making a move because the moment felt right. Ya, I was being a huge tease and an even huge-r asshole, but I wasn’t really thinking and maybe enjoying the attention a little too much.

The next day I invited him to brunch with my roommate and acted like nothing happened. 3 days later I went to South Africa for a 2-week trip. We spoke often while I was away so I just assumed we’d had a weird moment but had gotten past it. But when I went back to work nothing was the same. Fun and comfortable had been replaced by tense and forced and I was so confused. I didn’t even think about the almost-kiss as being the cause, the incident living deep in my long-term memory and clouded by 2 weeks of sun. Things became progressively more tense and I progressively more upset. How were we at this place again? I didn’t think he could possibly like me because he was always talking about other girls, or maybe this is just what I was telling myself.

We reached a boiling point at my roommate’s birthday, where even his best GUY friend admitted that the tension was palpable. I texted him the next morning saying things had felt off for a while and we couldn’t put off a conversation any longer. Apparently my timing was less than impeccable as he was heading to Florida for a week, so we promised to talk when he came back. A week goes by and he comes back to work on what turned out to be a horrible, HORRIBLE day for me. Separate from our issues, I had some pretty serious personal stuff going on, and he ended up passing me dashing out of the office mid-panic attack. Without me even explaining anything more than “I can’t deal right now, this is too much”, we went for a walk and he let me utter panicky nonsense on repeat for 20 minutes. Knowing we still had to talk he said he’d wait till things calmed down and made sure to check in days later to see how I was doing.

We finally had our talk. He told me that he isn’t over me and had been thinking about making a move long before the night he leaned in for the almost-kiss. I guess I hadn’t realized how far back our issues extended because I was away (or ignoring the signs). What really gets me is he admitted to intentionally waiting and acting cool while I was away because he wanted me to enjoy my trip…he was always putting me and my feelings first. Since I’ve been back it’s become too hard to be just friends and he doesn’t know if I can be in his life the way I want to be right now. Again, I totally understand, but this time it’s much harder. Maybe it was a result of all the other things I’m dealing with at the moment, maybe it’s because I wish we’d work out because who doesn’t want to fall in love with their best friend. I honestly don’t know.

What I do know is that all the weirdness fell away when he saw how upset I was at work and was still there for me in spite of how hard it was for him, and this realization broke my heart a little. He truly put me first, even before himself, and when I thanked him for his support I broke down into tears, something I’ve never done in front of him. You know what his response was? “You being real and vulnerable right now only makes me like you more”…needless to say if my heart wasn’t broken before, it was after that.

After this we sat around not saying much. Neither of us wanted to leave because we knew this was the last time we’d be just the two of us for a long while. It’s not fair to him to stay so close to me and it sucks for me to have to let him go, but what can I do? I let this happen by getting into a pseudo-relationship and now I need to deal with that. When he hugged me goodbye I felt him hold me in a way that was tragically final and way too reminiscent of an actual breakup, and it was painful.

So now we’re not friends.

We’re not in a relationship.

We’re taking space and I had to tell this guy not once, but twice, “I’m sorry, I don’t feel the same way” (But I kinda wish I did).

Carrie – I meet with Mr. Blind Spot at a local pub nearby my place. I had been to the place a couple of times – in fact, in April before I had become a 6ix chick, it was the first pub I had met my sister in. It’s in the centre of the party district so I met Mr. Blind Spot at the subway and we walked over together. But there’s this thing I do before the first meet up where I call the guy to make plans of where exactly to meet and see if he has a sexy voice (because that’s the best indication whether or not he’ll be a psycho murderer, duh!).

I’m surprised when I meet him that he’s the most normal internet random I’ve met (two others before so not the greatest sample but comparatively the best). Tall, dark haired with a controlled beard, decent full head of hair, and these great green-brown-blue eyes, he had a cute little gap in his front two teeth that I didn’t actually mind to my surprise. Mr. Blind Spot and I spend two and a half wonderful hours chatting over new beer tastings, from the Blue Jays to the best pick-up lines (including the ones he’s used on other Tinder girls) to family to PAST RELATIONSHIPS (!) to what we study/studied and being Italian (him) and Chinese (me). And get this everyone – he’s in aerospace engineering and I was immediately like ‘shit I should keep this one around.’ And this is especially because he mentioned how he deleted his Tinder around the Wednesday that he started talking to me on the regs. Undoubtedly, this tidbit made me a little hopeful about this guy.

I mention his nonni and how I love to collect Italian grandparents’ gnocchi recipes and then he goes a little silent. I recognized I hit a sensitive spot right away. He shared that his nonno had just passed away a couple of weeks before (the day before his birthday actually). If I had any reservations of Mr. Blind Spot being a player because of his previous “I feel like we connect very well #lovemesomeAsian” and his 2:30 a.m. drunk text saying “you’re a cutie”, his vulnerability at that moment really made my walls come down. This version seemed more like the authentic him and a real human being. In true Carrie fashion, I had even called him out on it when he said he was generally a very quiet guy and I responded with “you know, you can come off a little douchey via text but I like this side of you better.” He seemed a little startled that I told him that but had even apologized for seeming like a d-bag.

We leave around 11:30 p.m., it being a Monday night. Very gentlemanly-like, he pays and walks me toward the subway closest to my place. On the walk home though, a door to this wooden construction alcove swings open from the wind as we walk by. I giggle and push him through cause it was just weird timing and then shit hits the fan. Next thing I know, he pulls me in with him and this place is completely hidden out of sight and covered, the only light coming from the frosted glass windows of an apartment lobbyway. So we’re making out against the wooden boards and he picks me up with my back against the wall. I think he says something that was off-putting to me like “I wanna do dirty things to you” but I was so into it I didn’t even care. I did care when he started to make me grind against him and then he tries to finger me, his hand down the waistband of my tight high-waisted jeans and it just wasn’t feeling good or sexy or classy. I said “not now, not like this” and we simmered down for a bit before he walked me the rest of the way, trying to convince me to let him up into my condo. However, we were walking up University Avenue and he held my hand for a bit and when I said something along the lines of “is that [a hookup] all you want?” he had responded “no, I want it all” and it was strangely comforting rather than alarming for a first date. I kissed him by the subway in what I thought was a sexy fashion, breaking away mid-kiss and whispering “goodnight” against his protests to stay the night.

I wish I could say I was a player and was chill. I am not that type of girl. I am a go-getter and I had it bad. I wait a day and no text. Anxiety ensues where I think over every possibility that I might have messed up that date. Was it cause I walked away without following up? Was it cause he was just looking for a hookup? Was it cause – fuck it, I’mma text him. So two days later, “You win this time. When can I see you next?” and he couldn’t when I was free and we weren’t texting like we were leading up to the date.

So I think “WWTFGD” (What Would a Toronto Fuckgirl Do?) and I respond to Mr. 3 Chances to reschedule for Sunday afternoon since he had apologized profusely for bailing Monday. My DTT6 Galpal Samantha had advised no second chances for Tinder boys but I like to see the best in people, sometimes to the point of recklessness. I agreed to the date since things with Mr. Blind Spot were seeming a little fickle.

Mr. Blind Spot texts me that night “so I might not have gotten to hang out with you tonight but I did score… in the soccer game.” We chat briefly and he invites me out Friday night of the same week to go out with his friends… This seems premature to me but it pointed toward the fact that this could blossom to a relationship. I mean, you don’t introduce a random Tinder hookup to your friends your second time hanging out do you? I had plans for dinner but then reluctantly agreed.

At dinner on Friday, my girlfriends and I charted out a game plan for my weekend of Friday night Mr. Blind Spot and Sunday brunch Mr. 3 Chances. Over dinner, this third backup texted me to meet up with him that weekend. I blew him off cause even I knew that three guys was really two too many for this relationship type of gal.

Update: I walked by the area again one time last week and found the featured sketchy spot. Thought I’d share if you ever needed a somewhat secluded makeout spot in the 6ix.

This post is a little different, as it was written sometime last year before the inception of DTT6. However, in some kind of prospective hunch for what my future blog would look like, I had already titled it in the “Mr. ____” fashion. As such I felt the need to include it here, so please enjoy a little vintage Samantha in: My Open Letter to Mr. Disappearing Act.

Hey there,

How’s it going? Oh that’s good, glad to hear it. Yea…everything is great with me too. Just dandy actually, now that I’ve finally stopped thinking about why you blew me off a few weeks ago . I’ve decided to write you an open letter in typical “elite daily” form, just to let you know that although you had apparently nothing to say to me, I have a few concluding remarks for you.

Back in September I decided not to focus on guys and just enjoy my last year at university. After all, come graduation I’ll be travelling for two months then immediately starting a full-time job, making this year the perfect time to just “do me”. However, this turned out to be much harder than anticipated given the fact that almost every. single. one. of my friends are in serious(ly awesome) relationships, and I’m running around trying to validate my singledom by hooking up with guys I’ll never see again. Despite hearing it from everyone else, you’d never expect it to be as damaging to your self-esteem as it turns out to be.

Anyway, then you came along offering a fun, no-strings attached kind of mutual understanding that I honestly thought was pretty great. I’d never casually dated before and I have to say the whole dynamic works for me. I was very up front with you when saying that I was not looking for anything serious, which is exactly what you said you wanted as well. So let me remind you that I never tried to be your girlfriend and that you were the one constantly messaging, snapchatting, and making it seem like you wanted more.

I am not a clingy person. I don’t need constant attention, am self-sufficient and hate being treated like a princess. In fact, I purposefully made sure not to be too distant so you’d know I was actually interested. And it worked, because for a while there we had a real connection. So what was really confusing was after almost a straight month of keeping in contact without being able to see each other, you decide to “break us up” the same week we were supposed to hang out.

Was it the distance? Were you just not feeling it? Did you get bored? Because if you didn’t want to be with me that is honestly fine. I am not one of those people who says they want the truth but only if its sugar coated. Speaking of being truthful, I was also losing interest in you…until your little disappearing act. The distance was hard and keeping up a flirty and fun disposition 24/7 ain’t easy. Yet, in typical female fashion, getting rejected out of the blue made me so hung up on why. I wracked my brain for any and all explanations as to what could have changed over the course of 2 days. Finally I realized the futility in trying to read someone else’s mind, forcing me to accept this as just another one of life’s great, unanswerable mysteries .

I hope you realize that I am not petty in the slightest. The grown up thing would have been to have a two minute, semi-awkward conversation that would have left me feeling respected, instead of like the needy, clingy person that I’m not. But, if I’ve learned anything in 21 years it’s that life isn’t perfect. At least, at the end of the day, I walk away from this with the realization that I definitely won’t be treating others the way you treated me.

Samantha – Alright, get ready for a doozy. After getting bored of the ye olde tinder game (a girl can only act cute and fun for so long) I decided to try meeting guys the “old-fashioned” way…in a bar. One night, while out with my DTT6 co-conspirator Miranda, I met this guy who seemed pretty nice and tried to introduce them. She was not interested but we ended up talking and actually got along quite well. Get this, he was taller than I was and I was wearing heels, if that’s not a match made in heaven then I don’t know what is. We ended up chatting all night, buying each other drinks (See? I am an independent, 21st century, liberal-thinking woman…re: “Mr. Forgetful”) and exchanging numbers.

A couple days later I hear from the guy and we planned to meet up for drinks. We had a fantastic time, chatting for hours and things were going really well. Then it was time for me to catch my train – yes, commuting is a joy – so he offered to walk me to the station. After (literally) running through the 6ix and just missing it, he pulled me in for this really romantic kiss in the middle of the station. It was very cute and as a generally non-PDA kind of girl I was surprisingly into it.

He then asked if I wanted to grab another drink because now I had to go home late, and I did. We went to another bar and that’s when things got pretty PG-13 if I do say so myself… lots of handholding and kissing, which again, for Ms. Non-PDA over here was a pretty big deal. After the bar we went for a walk along the waterfront harbor and kissed…a lot. He mentioned that it was a pretty flawless first date – which it was – and that he had “caught feelings for me”. Interesting way of putting it but I was too giddy (and a little too tipsy) to care.

Before I go on, one of the things you should know about me is that I do not play games. I have no patience for it and do not put up with it. I told this to Mr. Hot and Cold and that I am not a huge texter, which he said that was fine by him and we’d just text to make plans. Perfect! Here’s a guy I’m starting to like, who says he likes me and it seems like we’re on the same page. Right? Wrong.

We tried to make plans for a second date, but getting an answer from him was really difficult in a “respond 6 hours later with one word” type of way.We ended up having to reschedule our date, twice, with one time being attributed to him being sad that the Blue Jays lost a baseball game #ComeTogether… So, on the day that we were meant to hang out, I messaged in the morning to make sure we didn’t have to reschedule again. Which I thought was fair given our track record. Well, apparently not, because I didn’t hear from him until right before I was supposed to head downtown. This was very frustrating because as a commuter living 45 min outside of the city, I didn’t want to go downtown only to find out he was going to cancel on me, again. As such, I didn’t get ready until I heard from him and was pretty irritated by the time I got downtown.

There was also the added bonus that he repeatedly told the same stories from date #1, to the point where I began to think that either he must’ve been really drunk on our first date (which he admitted that he was) or he is just stupid. Neither are great qualities in a date. Then I realized that a lot of the things that he was saying were actually kind of offensive and not attractive at all, and I began thinking…”Did I like this guy because I was drunk? I mean, we did meet at a bar and had our first date was at one too so…Omg, I totally like this guy better when I’m drunk!” Obviously this is not a revelation I was willing to share, and was told at the end of our date that once again he thought it had gone really well, he could see us moving past just dating and that he wanted to see me again.

Thinking that maybe I had just been in a bad mood that night, I agreed to another date. Again, our texting game to try and make plans was seriously lacking, but I accepted that as just “his style” since he kept saying how much he liked me in person. The only text I actually did get was while he was out at a bar one night asking if I was there, which I was not. However, DTT6 co-conspirator Miranda was at the bar, and said he was talking with someone else the entire night. Which is honestly fine with me and totally his prerogative, but seriously, did he need to be messaging me at the EXACT SAME TIME? After that I was pretty much over the whole thing, because my interest was already dwindling and had come to realize that games were not only a thing that he plays, but also his middle name.

It just so happens that the day before our date I won tickets to see a playoff soccer game and had to cancel on him. I sent a very nice message, well in advance I may add, and even suggested rescheduling. I was in turn ignored and never even got a response back. Nice eh? I’m really looking forward to seeing him again at a bar so I burst into song: “You change your mind, like a girl changes clothes.. ”

Update: I actually did end up seeing him at the bar a week or so later and he completely ignored me when I tried to catch his eye. Not really sure what his deal was but if anyone reading this can figure it out I’m all ears.

1. Ugh, I don’t want to be on any dating apps. They’re such a waste of time.Is this a sign I’ve given up on finding someone the traditional way? AM I UNLOVEABLE IN A TRADITIONAL SENSE?I’m pretending to be above online dating, but I want to find my TINDERELLA tale too!

2. …Well maybe I’ll try [insert app], people seem to like it. My friend just downloaded it and met her boyfriend on there so it must be chill.I’ll just focus on this one success while ignoring the countless stories of fuckbois from friends who have had no luck at all.Ya, total denial of horror stories is advisable if you want even a chance to survive 30 seconds on any dating app.

3. Ok which of my Instagram pics would make the best profile pic?And how edited can I get away with without catfishing the poor guy who swipes right?How old is too old for my pictures to be? I looked way cuter 3 years ago.

4. Right, so now what do I say on my profile? Do I try to be witty and cute or do I say nothing and work the mysterious angle?Ex. My current description: “peace, love and pizza” as told by emojis.Same here- I basically just profess my love for food, they don’t actually care what I’m about anyways.

5. Profile’s done!What a carefully curated piece of artwork- I should be in a museum.

6. Oh he’s cute *swipes right.*Dayyyum, how do I get with that?

6.1. Oh he’s super cute! Does that warrant a super like?

7. Ugh this guy looks like an asshole *swipes left.*Fukboi 101 alert.

8. There’s no way I would be his type *swipes left.*

8.1. I’ll swipe right on this guy because I have a feeling he did too *swipes right*

9. Is that my ex-boyfriend’s torso? *Favorites*Uh. No thanks. He’s called an ex for a reason.

10. Hmm this guy looks really hot in this picture but in this one not so much *not so sure where to swipe*. [Closes app, as if to really think it through].Men, stop trying to trick us. We’re way too paranoid to swipe wrong for your “method” to work.

10.1 *Swipes right anyway hoping he looks like the cute pics* Apparently the method works on some of us…

11. OMG it’s been like 20 minutes and I don’t have any matches. Am I ugly! What’s wrong with society!Thinking positively – maybe they just haven’t seen me yet? It needs to time to load….

12. Whatever I’m so over it.I never wanted this dumb app anyway (this is a lie).

13. Deletes app.Or just ignores it for a while. This usually lasts 2-3 weeks, based on my previous experience. Until you’re bored enough to try it out again…

14. Repeat 2-10.

15. Scrolling, scrolling, scrolling into the wee hours of the night.

15.1 I’ll just swipe until my next match.

15.2 I’ll just swipe until my next chat.

15.3 I’ll just swipe until I’m done shitting.

16. Goes to sleep, finally. Wakes up, phone underneath pillow, excited to see that there are so many new matches and messages! With only a few creeps to spare!

17. Today is going to be a good day.I walk with a strut in my step. The sidewalk is my runway. Bitch, move out of the way.WERK.

30. This guy says he’s only into other fit masculine normal guys. I mean…

31. Oh he looks fun, I’ll message him.

32. We’ve been sending cute messages back and forth for like 2.5 days now, maybe it’s time we TOOK THIS TO WHATSAPP.Baby steps now, we don’t want to scare him off.

32.1. I don’t get WiFi in the office and Tinder is eating up all my data…

33. Just ask for my number!This is so the biggest step when dating online.

33.1. Praying he asks for my number before people catch me on tinder in public. Current life status.

34. Ok his name is David, I know way too many Davids.

35. But this David has really nice abs.

36. So I’ll put him in as David Abs, which is different from David Tinder and David Total Top. It’s fine – I only need to know the difference anyways.

37. Messaging with someone you haven’t even met is so fun! We connect so well even just through typing! My soulmate!We have so many superficial similarities. It’s like he gets me or something.

38. You love picking up the phone and seeing all the green Whatsapp notifications. It’s like you’re winning. No notifications is very sad 😦Winning at the game we call life.

39. Something always goes wrong at this stage of the courting. Because the guys online always take it one step too far – Ex. “Hit me up tomorrow” “Oh ya, I’ll hit you, but only if you hit me back ;)” NO. JUST NO.

43. Ok well that was terrible. NEXT.Oh god why did he have to try and hypnotize me in public. Shameless plug: see Mr. Hypnotist post for the details.

44. Scenario #3: Hey, let’s meet for coffee.

45. Oh wow he was so cute! And we had so much to talk about, I can’t believe I was there 5 hours.

46. After the first date he disappears completely. Messages are much less frequent.What did I do to turn him off? Was there not a mutually intense connection?

47. Scenario #4: Hey, let’s meet for coffee.

48. Oh wow he was so cute! And we had so much to talk about! I can’t believe I was there 5 hours.

49. Gradually we’re hanging out more and more.

50. He sleeps over.Tehehehe. An adult sleepover.Very mature Miranda…

51. He starts leaving things at my place — a tooth brush, a clean pair of underwear. He brings the coffee he likes and stores it in my cupboard.Like, does this ever really happen though?Never. The tell-tale sign is usually the girl leaving the bobby pins at the guys place.

52. He’s my boyfriend! Like official boyfriend anyway. I considered him mine after the second date. HAHAH Bitch, you crazy.

53. Where did you two meet?

54. lol.

55. Do we tell the truth or do we lie and say “mutual friends”?

55.1. Secret desire is not to meet anyone awesome on tinder so the meet-cute shared at your wedding doesn’t revolve around an app designed for getting laid.

56. Maybe online dating isn’t so bad after all.

57. Ok we’ve been dating for [insert length of time] now…why are you still on Tinder/Hinge/OkCupid/Grindr/Match? Should I still be too??

58. Hmmm.

59. When it ends — if it does — repeat 1-58. It’s back to the notification screen.

So, thought catalog got it pretty spot on…more or less.

Agreed. They did really well in the beginning, but lost me in that last part. If we successfully found someone on tinder, we probably wouldn’t be here right now writing this post.

At least there’s comfort in knowing that although online dating is a huge fail, at least we’re not failing alone.

Yea…cuz you can really cuddle up with the idea of not failing alone on a Saturday night…

Charlotte – I’m usually obsessed with the idea of finding love. I want a boyfriend, something steady and secure. But this summer was different. For the first time it wasn’t about landing “the perfect guy” but instead just landing a quick bang. It was the summer of fun.

After spending a couple of months backpacking Europe, indulging in the sights, food and (most importantly) men, I came back to Toronto craving male attention more so than ever before. So, I ventured out to my old stomping grounds, because what better place to find a suitable hookup than my old university town.

At a kegger this handsome guy caught my eye. I had seen him before but I didn’t think he knew who I was. A little bit of background… he had tutored me in econ once, and while I should have been listening to him lecture, I was thinking about all the raunchy stuff we could have been doing in that classroom instead. Now Mr. Economics was standing four feet away from me, wearing sunglasses even though the sun has gone down. I took the opportunity to strike up a conversation by basically telling him he looks like a moron…Don’t ask me how but it worked.

A couple weeks later we went on a date. He picked me up in an Uber and took me to some super hipster place for food. Honestly, I don’t remember the last time I enjoyed a first date that much. I could not stop laughing! He was so funny, quirky and quick with his remarks.

I was new to downtown living at the time, so he decided to show me around Ossington where we proceeded to grab a drink… well more like six. After feeding me superb food, making me laugh nonstop and getting me perfectly drunk, I thought it was appropriate to bring him home.

Let’s just say we meshed well, really well. This continued for another few dates: delicious food, fantastic conversation and probably one of the best sexual experiences I’ve ever had. I thought everything was moving along, what we had going was perfect!

Date number four came around and we had barely spoken during the week so I had a feeling that something was off. I like to think my intuition is pretty spot on, and if I feel like something is off it usually is. Once again, I was right.

We went on our date and it was fun, not as much fun as previous ones but great nonetheless. He walked me home and kind of just stood awkwardly for a moment so I formally invited him in, although I thought that was assumed at that point. He came in and instead of throwing me on the bed, as per the usual, he uncomfortably sat down on my chair as I sat on the bed. At this point I’m thinking, “this is strange… did I do something wrong?” We watched a few funny videos and things seem as though they are looking up, and I thought that maybe he’d finally join me on the bed. At the point when I’m ready to pounce, he suddenly gets up and says he has to go.

That’s the last time we hung out. When I confronted him he just made up some bullshit excuse about work and needing to get some chores done. Yah right, the day a guy puts chores over sex is the day that fling has flung.

A couple of weeks later I found out he’d gotten a new job in New York. Not sure if that influenced his decision for bolting out of my room that day but silly man, if you had just been honest we could have taken a step back from the dates and a step forward on the intimacy.

Samantha – Recently, a guy that I’d met during first year at university started chatting me up on tinder. We quickly progressed to texting and Snapchat (hehe), and things were flooowwin’. The only crappy thing about him was that he lived about 30 minutes down the highway, but hey, a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. Though I don’t have much experience with “tinder kills” (/ˈtindər kil/ – meeting up with a match for the sole purpose of hooking up), our late-night tryst was surprisingly comfortable, and “netflix and chillin” was not nearly as awkward as I anticipated it being. I left his house feeling respected and satisfied…what more could you ask for from a random hookup?

We made plans for a week later, but just my luck, I managed to catch the flu in between our two “dates”. By the time I was supposed to head over I was not feeling all that hot – unless you count my fever. I warned him that I was still sick and that we should just reschedule, but he persisted and said to come over anyway. “Who knows”, I thought, “This could make me feel better…doesn’t fooling around usually cure headaches?” I should not go into medicine.

I made the trek over to his place and like last time, we went straight to his bed upon my arrival. Only this time I had to get up every 10 – 15 minutes to blow my nose so I could continue breathing…sexy stuff, I know. He puts on Avengers 2 and I was thinking that this would be great, I’d make some comment about how hot Chris Evans is, and after about 15 minutes we’d get to it.

But no. Maybe my intentions weren’t explicit…maybe he was really into the movie…or maybe, just maybe he shouldn’t have invited over the stuffed-up girl mouth-breathing because that shit ain’t sexy. Whatever his reason, he did not make a move the entire time, and the Avengers is over two. hours. long. Even when I’d be SUPER obvious by playing with his beard or plainly informing him it was time to put down the laptop, he did not make a move.

Sadly, here’s where things actually get weird. By the end of the movie I am so congested from lying down that I cannot function. So, when the credits began to roll and suddenly he’s ready to catch the flu, I was soooo not down. When I told him this, he proceeded to pin me to the bed, pay me some attention and beg me to stay.

Now, up until this moment he had been asking me on real dates, texting me at the end of every day and overusing the word “Darlin'”. But the second I put my foot down (both figuratively and literally off the bed) he flipped a switch and went into full asshole mode. On my way out he wouldn’t look me in the eye, say a word or hug me when I left! Legit, I went in for a hug and he kept holding onto the doorframe while I awkwardly just leaned in against his body….

Look, I realize that the whole thing must have been very confusing for him. If a girl comes over at 8 pm, watches a two and a half hour movie and then decides to leave, then yes, that is a huge tease. HOWEVER, I warned him I was sick, made some shamefully obvious moves, and tried to act like a normal human when I realized it wasn’t going to happen. So no Sir, your behaviour is not pardoned and I left that night feeling the exact opposite to how I felt the first time: disrespected and horny.

I never expected to hear from the guy again but it turns out that he is just full of surprises. I still receive texts, Facebook messages, and even the occasional Snapchat looking for a quickie. I’m not too sure how many times I will have to say I am busy for him to realize that it’s not going to work out, but at least I don’t have to pay anymore highway toll charges!

Miranda – This story takes place about 18 months ago. While it does not revolve around dating per say, it’s just too entertaining not to share.

During university, I packed up my life and moved to Denmark for a semester abroad. Before I go on, one thing you should know about me is that although I love having a good time, it is very rare for me to step out of my comfort zone. It would take a substantial amount of alcohol (read as: drowning in alcohol) and a hot foreign boy to get me doing something crazy. Fortunately, in this situation, I had both.

It all started at a club – classy, I know – we were celebrating my friend’s birthday the way we know best. Shortly after we arrived, we began talking to two guys and I found myself attracted to one of them. Long story short, we had a fun time dancing and making out at the club. By the end of the night, I knew I wanted to see him again in a casual context so we exchanged Facebook information. It was a good night and I was content.

Fast forward to a couple weeks later, we’d hung out a few more times and I really enjoyed his company. We knew this wouldn’t go anywhere, as I was leaving for the 6ix very shortly. Our last encounter before we left involved his friend’s house party. Originally, I wasn’t even going to go as I had just returned from a weekend trip to London earlier that day (London was a whole different experience in itself but I’ll write about it another time). However, even as exhausted and gross as I was, I decided to partake and thank god I did, or I wouldn’t be sharing this story right now.

At the house party, the only person I knew there was Mr. Apartment, and although everyone was friendly, we decided that hooking up was a better investment of our limited time instead of superficial socializing. To everyone else’s displeasure, we began to make out intensely on a stranger’s couch until we were asked multiple times to “get a room”. So, we went to do just that.

The only problem was neither of us lived in that apartment complex or even anywhere nearby. In our drunken state, we resolved to explore the complex for some space to, ahem, tend to our needs. Somehow we managed to get randomly buzzed up past security and took the elevator to the top floor. Now, to this day, I have no idea how Mr. Apartment had the skill set, sobriety and comprehension to manage this next part. With a quick swipe of his hand, he somehow opened the locked door to an apartment and my horrified/excited face was met with darkness. In our inebriated state, we decided that the living room would be the perfect place to have some fun. In fact, I should probably change Mr. Apartment’s name to the more accurate Mr. Not Your Apartment, but that’s just unnecessarily long.

Later, I got up to a grab a glass of water from the kitchen and at that moment, a bedroom door opened to reveal a confused, sleepy and angry man. He immediately grabbed the glass from my hand and proceeded to fire questions at us. Mr. Apartment was obviously very inexperienced in breaking and entering and began to answer every single question hopelessly honestly. However, as the decidedly more sober one, I smartened up, took control, and used my soft, seductive voice to apologize and coax the man out of calling the police (as he threatened to do moments before). My voice must’ve been liquid gold because somehow, we were able to leave the premise without so much as a slap on the wrist. The night ended in hilarious banter and analysis of the event that had just passed, and we walked out of the apartment to find the sun coming up. With the remnants of our drunkenness rubbing off, we sought refuge in a nearby McDonalds.

So, as you can see, my experience with Mr. Apartment was pretty incredible. A tale of lust, adventure, immoral decisions and quick thinking that ended in a fairly happily ever after. Definitely not one of those stories you tell your grandchildren though.

Charlotte – I’m a serial dater who just can’t get it right. I have always been the girlfriend-type, with my most recent relationship just under three years long. However, since ending that about half a year ago, I have gone through my fair share of dicks (in both senses of the word). This single thing and I are just not getting along.

I won’t do the tinder thing. I know I’m probably going to give in soon, but am staying strong for now. As a result, I need to be more resourceful in how I find my men. Usually it’s through acquaintances, bars or maybe a friend. This time, however, my mom got involved when her client’s son saw a photo of me and wanted to shoot me a message. My thought process when my mom told me was something along the lines of damn this is sketch; he’s probably a thousand-pound serial killer but why not.

First date rolls around and we go to a bar to grab a drink. I got there first and am sitting around waiting for my serial killer blind date to come and join me. All of a sudden this stunning, tall, well-put-together bearded man comes by. He gives me a side grin and apologizes for being late. Not sure if the shock showed on my face but it must have. He’s a dentist who’d just come back to Canada after doing residency in the States for a few years. I’m sitting there thinking “Damn mom, you done good, you done real good.” Date number one was a success and a couple days later I got asked on date number two.

That evening we planned on getting high and going to an art exhibit. In my mind I’m just like “I’ve found my soul mate… dentist, handsome, occasionally dabbles in recreational drugs… marriage material”. He picks me up in this swanky ass car and I’m just immediately like “Oh wow this is different”. I’m used to dating people my own age, so being picked up in an Uber means I’m getting spoiled.

We get to the art exhibit and he informs me that there will be no drugs. Ugh, strike one. We go inside and he barely speaks to me. Ok…maybe he’s just really into the art? After about 20 minutes he finally opened his mouth, to me immediately wishing he hadn’t. That hour was so dull I actually tried to plan my escape. Unfortunately, this was a pop up art exhibit and the only way to escape was through the front door which wouldn’t be too stealth. So I just prayed that the nightmarish date would either improve or end….Strike two.

After the exhibit he suggested grabbing apps and drinks at a restaurant. I was all for that idea, because alcohol would either loosen him up or I could get drunk to the point of forgetting where I am. Either way it would be a significant improvement to the night. We’re walking along when he spots a café and basically bolts for it, clearly the man needs an apple strudel.

I have never seen anyone eat like this in my life. You know how piranhas viciously maul their prey? Ya, this was that. I don’t think the guy even took a breath between bites. Like sir, have you ever eaten before? Still battling through my disaster date I thought “maybe he’s just hungry… pretend like you didn’t just see that. I NEED ALCOHOL!” This probably should have been strike three.

We leave the café and are informed at the restaurant that it’s going to be a bit of a wait. So Dr. Dentist decides we should go on a walk to Dundas Square. We’re standing in the middle of the square with a group of pot smoking teenagers to our left (who I am incredibly jealous of at that moment) and some fresh-off-the-boat tourists on our right. Dr. D and I are chatting, finally the conversation has picked up, but it feels more like we’re having two conversations that aren’t intersecting, as demonstrated by the next moment we shared. I asked him a question, relevant to the topic I thought we were both discussing, just to have it ignored. Instead, he throws in this awful one liner about how beautiful my smile is and how he’s happy I decided to give this a try. Then kisses me.

Sounds romantic and shit right? Well it’s not when 1) we are in the middle of Dundas square with everyone staring at us 2) The line was so forced it caused me physical pain 3) He pulls away immediately after our lips touch. I practically fell forward as I was not prepared for such a sudden retreat after the awfully timed and forced line. Best of all, he kind of just held me. LIKE WHO ARE YOU? I DON’T EVEN KNOW YOU! I must be desperate or something because this should DEFINITELY have been strike three.

Thankfully it was time for food and DRINKS. The more alcohol I got into my system, the more tolerable he became. By the end of the date I thought I would even go on a third. I put aside the whole being ignored through an art gallery thing, watching him devour an apple strudle AND a full cheesecake (yes, not a slice but an entire cake) and the most awkward first kiss of my life.

He messaged me later that evening. The conversation died down quickly and he never asked for a third date. When I decided it was too cliché to wait for a man to muster up the courage to ask for a date I decided to do it myself. He didn’t even reply. Three strikes buddy, you’re out.