The CIA files: Uri Geller is a weapon less powerful than Donald’ Trump’ little finger

Is Uri Geller a weapon? What about just a bit of a weapon? The Star hears the spoon-bender say he met with the CIA to see if he could be “used as a weapon”.

This is promising idea, readers. If the UK pulls out of the European Union, as now seems highly likely, we’ll be forced to repatriate the myriad ‘stars’ in the Celebrity Silo just outside Brussels. What better way to kill two bids with one stone – and, Orville, we’re talking to you – than by spicing up any trade wars by sending Geller and more to Paris on a trebuchet?

The Mirror has the same story, only now it’s an “exclusive”. In the “CIA Geller files”, the celebrity who “seemingly bends spoons with his mind” tells the paper that in 1972 “the CIA tested me at Stanford Research Institute and I passed under laboratory conditions, twice.” He says he was also tested at the American Surface Weapons Center in Maryland and the Lawns Livermore Radiation Labs. “They wanted to seem if my mind could trigger a nuclear weapons.”

Geller’s testing is part of 800,000 files – 13 million pages – of declassified documents released online yesterday.

In one experiment a researcher picked a word at random. Another researcher draw a picture inspired by it and stuck it on a wall outside outside Geller’s room. Geller was then invited to reproduce it. The Mirror says he identified “bunch” by drawing a bunch of grapes and “fuse” by drawing a firecracker. The Mirror does not say how many he got wrong. But the Times says: “Sometimes his efforts were hopelessly off but others proved eerily accurate.”

We don’t know if Geller can fire a nuclear weapon with his mind, but knowing Donald Trump can fire one with his little finger is far more impressive and almost nearly as worrying.