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The Indians traded Clint Frazier, Justus Sheffield, Ben Heller and J.P. Feyereisen for Andrew Miller. A regular Thanksgiving bounty to the Yankees as the Indians received SAGNOF and smallpox. Hopefully, the Indians don’t have reservations later about those prospects they sent for Miller and want them back like, um, a regretful trade partner. For a second this weekend, it appeared that the Indians traded for Miller and Jonathan Lucroy, but Lucroy vetoed the trade. Looks like Milwaukee is a bunch of Brewer-givers. Will say this, it was a bold trade by Cleveland vs. sitting around Indian-style as they did all offseason. So, Miller becomes the de facto closer in Cleveland, and remains a top five closer in fantasy. Cody Allen gets his value boinked on the head and it’s now seeing stars. Mean’s while, in New York, Dellin Betances becomes the 9th inning man for the Yankees and, taking over setup, is their newly acquired, Tyler Clippard. That’s right, the Yankee Clippard! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

This is the 2nd title this week referencing Willy Wonka, first being this week’s podcast. It’s a gee-dee Gene Wilder renaissance up in here (up in here)! I miss Gene Wilder, taken way too soon from us. Oh, he’s not dead. He just stopped being funny a’la Dan Aykroyd. (By the way, Aykroyd is a good ten to twenty years younger than you think he is. 64?! I thought he was 64 in Driving Miss Daisy.) I’m thankful for Thomas Middleditch replacing Gene Wilder. If you have no idea who that is, it’s the lead character on Silicon Valley, who is a dead ringer for a young and still alive Gene Wilder. With all of this Wonka talk, tell me you can look at David Dahl in his purple uniform and not hear in your head, “Violet, you’re turning violet.” Or look at the trough you pee in at the next baseball game and tell me you don’t hear, “What a disgusting, dirty river! Industrial waste, that. You’ve ruined your watershed, Wonka: it’s polluted.” Only to realize it’s not poop, but chocolate. Wait, it’s not chocolate, is it? Well, if you want to view paradise, simply look around at David Dahl’s stats and view it. There’s nothing to it. Anything he wants to do, he can do it. There’s no players I know to compare to a pure 30/30 player like David Dahl. Oompa Loompa doopie-what-can-Rockies’-Dahl-do? That’s another puzzle I have for you. He can hit for power, steal bases and likely platoon on the strong side of the left field platoon, unless the Rockies trade CarGo or Blackmon. Anything, that’s what Dahl can do. Want to change the world? There’s nothing to it. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

The Twins’ lineup could generate power for any remote control, because they’re filled with Double-A batteries. High five me! C’mon! You don’t appreciate a good snap! I’m zinging over here! Fine, be that way. The Twins traded the 29-year-old Eduardo Nunez to the Giants, which makes him the youngest player the Giants have ever acquired and the cheapest player the Twins have ever traded away. A double first! Which sounds almost like how you picture your ex describing herself on Tinder. So, Eduardo Nunez goes from a neutral park to a pitching park and from a lineup that could be best described with their two-hole hitter, Grossman, to a lineup best described as “in the middle of a panic.” Or a Panik in the middle. This move likely doesn’t change his value much, but if anything it takes him down a notch. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Gerrit Cole‘s start yesterday — 9 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.78 — wasn’t the most impressive start. *walks around, shaking people out of their slumber* Hey, what’s going on, guys and five girl readers? Was it the opening sentence? Okay, so Gerrit Cole didn’t look as good as, say, Dylan Bundy over five innings. Cole looked solid, salt-of-the-earth, lumberjack-shirt-for-a-tablecloth-middle-class-sturdy-as-oak-workman-like for nine innings. By the way, you know what they call a hyena with lines instead of spots? Hyphena. Take it, Highlights, it’s yours. Do we have to have starters that are all lordy-me-I’m-fainting-with-a-handkerchief-to-my-forehead filled with upside? Well, I’d like it, and Cole prolly has it somewhere in there. *knocks on Cole’s chest* Is a near-9 K/9 in there still? Hello? Okay, I think it is, but it’s just not answering now. Maybe it’s taking a nap from Cole’s less-than-stellar K-rate. That’s been the story of his season, actually. Great results for real baseball, but a little lacking on the flash (7.5 K/9). He’s still throwing hard (95 MPH), maybe he fell asleep while Contact was on late-night TV and woke up deciding to throw to contact. Not sure, but if I had to bet, I’d bet every day on a 25-year-old who throws 95 returning to his previous flashy Ks while maintaining his excellent ERA results. But there’s nothing wrong with a lumberjack shirt for a tablecloth. It’s Murica! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Oh man! So close to a Joel Youngblood sighting! Melvin Upton was traded from the Padres to the Blue Jays, a team they are currently facing. Is it me or does it seem like this year the teams are so cheap, they’re not even using their cell minutes. If they’re playing against a team, then they’re trading with them. That’s it. Surprised the Indians haven’t been more active then. Ya know, cause they could use smoke signals. By the way, nothing you could ever say about Native Americans is more racist than a team being called Redskins or the Indians’ mascot. So, go ahead, try! Melvin Upton shook the B.J. name, but you can’t take the Upton out of the B.J.’s, Blue Jays, that is. The trade of Upton takes him from a mediocre team to a solid offensive team, but moves him from the middle of the order to the lower third of the order and potentially even hurts his playing time if the Jays want to get Smoak into the lineup. I’m gonna say all things being equal, it’s a push, which technically means all things are equal, so there! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

In 1906, the Cubs won a major league record 116 games. In 1907 and 1908, the Cubs won back-to-back World Series championships. Anticipating a third championship in 1909, a young, enterprising Chicago man bought up all the toilet paper in Chicago, planning on selling the toilet paper back to the celebrators for twice the amount of money for their ticker tape parade. The Cubs never won again, but it turned out people still needed toilet paper in their everyday life. So, he still sold it back to them at a huge markup. Now, most people would’ve been annoyed with this man, but he was so charming, which later became Charmin. A titan of industry. So, with this in mind, I’ve invested my life savings in toilet paper, and will sell it back to Cubs’ fans this October. I’m gonna make money, y’all! By the way, Cubs could be World Series champs within days of Donald Trump becoming president, that fallout shelter doesn’t seem like such a bad idea. As for Aroldis Chapman, the trade was completed yesterday with him going to the Cubs for a bunch of prospects. This kills Hector Rondon’s value for redraft leagues, since he’ll be pushed into the setup role with Aroldis closing. Whereas in New York, Andrew Miller goes from a top setup man to a top five closer. Now, here’s hoping for an Indians/Cubs World Series so I win either way with all of this TP. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

The White Sox were due to wear throwback jerseys on Saturday, and Chris Sale didn’t want to wear them. The White Sox refused to relent, so Sale took it upon himself to do something. Cut to, ahem, ten minutes later and Sale was sent home for throwing a temper tantrum and cutting up all the throwback uniforms. The most surprising thing in this story: the White Sox clubhouse had a pair of lefty scissors. After Sale cut up the White Sox 1976 uniforms, Chet Lemon weighed in, saying, “It was a tough uniform to rock. The guys on the 1983 team thought they had a reviled uniform. At least in 1983, you could strut around like a peacock, which they called Paciorek’ing, due to the grace of teammate Tom Paciorek. In 1976, they dressed me up like a lawn jockey. That shizz was offensive!” For his antics, Chris Sale was suspended for five games by the White Sox. That’s the last time he tries to introduce a cutter without talking to the pitching coach. Now, if the Red Sox trade for Sale, their top two starters could help win back the casual Jewish Red Sox fan who checked out after Youk and Theo left. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

There’s gonna be a lot of haters out there about Jose De Leon. It’s the times we live in. His great-great-great-great grandfather was the original body-shamer. Ponce De Leon set out about five hundred and fifty years ago looking for the Fountain of Youth because, his words, “my old bitty needs to go bye-bye if she continues to sag in the FUPA area.” He was also the originator of the common 1500s phrase, “Ponce upon a time you looked good, girl.” A phrase that has rightfully disappeared from common speech before any more women were hurt by vernacular manslaughter, so to speak. As for Jose De Leon, he’s got the youth thing for days, but he’s not quite as young as Julio Urias, which I’m gonna say is a good thing in this case, because Urias is so raw he may as well be carrying botulism. De Leon, 23 years old, is destroying Triple-A on the current — 13.8 K/9, 3.06 ERA — which is more or less same-same what he’s been doing for the last two years. Even more importantly, the Dodgers have an immediate need with their rotation a M.A.S.H. unit, a Jamie-Farr-kin joke. I’d grab De Leon now in most leagues for his impending arrival. And, yes, even if Chris Archer’s in Dodger Blue, De Leon should be up. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Yesterday, Francisco Liriano went 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 13 Ks with zero walks. Insert the madman cackle of Francisco Liriano’s owners who owned him up until last night when he had a 5.11 ERA. He had 13 Ks without a walk! This came from a guy who had a 5.7 BB/9 coming into the game. That’s not bad. No, no. You think that’s bad? You should swipe right on Tinder the next time you come across a thesaurus if bad’s all you got. That’s effin’ egregious. That’s the 1980’s Lower East Side before Donald Trump fixed the entire New York City as narrated by Jon Voight. That’s the worst walk rate since Todd Van Poppel’s walk rate of 6.87 in 1994. Since 1980, there’s only been walk rates of 5.7 or worse four other times. In 36 years! Jesus, 36 years? I’m getting old. This start came against the Brewers who have struck out more than any other team in the major leagues. So, nice start, but I wouldn’t go near him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

“Naquin the Chef looks determined without being ruthless. Something heroic in his manner. There’s a courage about him. Comes across so calm. Acts like he has a dream. Full of passion. Well, you know why. Knock homers out of the box all the time. Pitches know his repertoire, big fly. Yeah, straight up, Naquin mess your whole team up. It’s for real though, ball connect with stick, ditto. We could trade places, ball lifted run around the bases. Word up, peace, infatuated redfaces.” I almost didn’t write the title of the Naquin the Chef song, Infatuated Redfaces, but then I was like, “There’s a team named Redskins and a mascot named Chief Wahoo, I think I’m all right.” Yesterday, Tyler Naquin kept it going with the insane run he’s been on — 3-for-4, 6 RBIs with two homers (11, 12). He now has six homers in the last ten games. That’s six homers in July to go with his six homers in June. As I said back in spring training when I saw Naquin play, he had a nice stroke against righties, but looked kinda gnarly vs. lefties. Looks like a 17/17 player that needs to platoon. Right now, his power’s way above that, but will likely come down to earth at some point. Of course, I’d still own him now. Word up, peace, infatuated redfaces. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball: