Go ahead and take apart your end-of-the-world bunker, because it doesn’t look like the apocalypse is coming anytime soon since Lindsay Lohan probably doesn’t have a baby in her body. (Although, you may not want to take apart your end-of-the-world bunker right away, because Trump could still win in November.)

Michael Lohanreally wanted us all to think that a half-Russian ATM baby is growing in his daughter’s womb. Michael claimed that LiLo texted him with, “Daddy, I’m pregnant,” and he believed her, because LiLo never lies! But today, LiLo’s friend, socialite Hofit Golan, told a different story.

“We’ve been doing acupuncture, massage, stretching, drinking lots of green juice, exploring caves, fishing, swimming, just doing normal things. Lindsay and I have known each other for years and she’s a very close friend, she’s loyal and an amazing person. It’s unfortunate that other people in her life, I’m not going to name names, are confirming she’s pregnant, which she’s not.”

“Stretching and drinking lots of green juice” must be yacht life talk for “smoking cigs and drinking beer,” because People has pics of LiLo doing that. And when People asked Michael Lohan about those pics, the lie hole in his face spit this up:

“Every time I’ve talked to her she’s been sober, every single time. And the good friends that are around her have told me she’s not drinking. I know that she’s not drinking.”

I know I should’ve learned this lesson a long ass time ago, but now I know that the truth is the opposite of what comes out of Michael Lohan’s mouth. So when Michael farted up, “Lindsay is pregnant,” I should’ve translated that into, “Lindsay is not pregnant.” And when Michael farted up, “Lindsay does not drink booze,” I should’ve translated that into, “Lindsay drinks booze.” Glad I could clear that up for myself.

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