I went out and drank like a fool yesterday after doing an incredible job hiking. I hiked the blue trail twice without stopping – making proud comments about my stamina and determination. I mean, I really did improve exponentially in this past week alone. I couldn’t help feeling self-satisfied and pleased with myself. I felt ready to take on that daunting 20 day trek.

But I’m sure I’m jumping the gun on this.

The hike I went on yesterday only lasted for two hours and I wasn’t carrying a 20 pound pack or hiking in zero degree weather on top of a 1700 ft mountain. So, ready for the Himalaya’s? No, I don’t think I’ll ever be ready.

So what’s a girl to do? Go out and drink! I met the guys at Happy Tuesday. I brought one of my girlfriends – it was the first time bringing one of my friends out to meet the motley bunch.

I subjected her to the bottomless pint of beer that get’s filled automatically by magical faeries, or sometimes this guy;

I subjected her to Mark, who likes to put straw’s thru his tongue. He tried to pierce it through his septum, but it wasn’t happening.

I was running on empty. I hadn’t eaten since breakfast, and was feeling a bit logy and drained. But that didn’t stop the guys from filling my glass when it got down to a quarter pint.

I stayed and drank for three hours, than went to Billy O’s for round two.

I was starved, but didn’t want to eat bar food. And at that point it was too late for me. My stomach was expanding and brimming with beer.

I drank some more, played darts and pool. Told everyone how much I love them. You know, a typical night in the life of all star Melanie.

I said something to a guy with huge muscles. I was being friendly and I sometimes talk to stranger’s as though I already know them. I talked to this guy like he was a good friend of mine, but he took it the wrong way. He started flirting with me, but it wasn’t “real” flirting. It was the kind of banter that a little boy has so he can gain the attention of a little girl. He started making fun of me and trying to put me down. And he was my age!

Him – “I have a point system when it comes to girls and right now you’re very close to scoring the winning point and getting my number.”

Me – “I have kids.”

Him – “That doesn’t matter. Do you really have kids? If you’re lying about having kids, I will drop points from you.”

Me – “I’m lying about having kids.”

Him – “You just got points deducted.”

Me – “You shouldn’t keep score. Besides, I’m a lesbian.”

But nothing I said mattered and he kept making fun of me and talking about his point system. He was irritating me and I was already in a bad mood when I got there. I get cranky with no food and have little patience for narcissistic people. I am myself a narcissist, so it annoys me especially when I see it in others. What you hate about yourself, you hate in others. My narcissism is the only thing I don’t like about me. All my other attributes are glorious!

Anyway, I got blitzed and managed to have a lot of fun.

I ate when I got home at 2 in the morn and fell asleep watching Naruto.

Today is a snow day. My favorite type of day because I get to lay around guilt-free. This is the perfect day for my colon cleanse. I’ve been waiting for this day for quite some time.

Not that you care to hear about any of this, not about my life nor my intestinal high jinks, but I’m going to take you on my colon cleansing journey regardless. It will be filled with gurgles and flushes. Are you ready? Okay hold on let me go grab the stuff!

This is the stuff doctors give you for a colonoscopy. It works like a charm. I never did it before, but heard great things.

Down the hatch! It didn’t taste bad. Everyone says it tastes horrible, but it’s actually not bad. It’s tart and sour, but not undrinkable.

It’s 3:58 pm. Let’s see how long it takes to kick in. I’m excited!

I’m doing this to get rid of any excess baggage for my trek. I don’t want anything bogging me down – yes, I am that prepared.

While we are waiting for the magnesium citrate to take effect, let’s go over everything I’m bringing to Nepal. Ugh, but I’m so lazy I don’t feel like getting out of bed. And I’m hungry. I hope this stuff won’t mess up my stomach because it’s empty.

4:09, still nothing.

What if I have an intestinal blockage? The label says that if nothing happens I might have a serious underlining illness.

Um, okay, it’s 4:33 and still nothing is happening. Apparently I have a major underlining illness. Oh no wait, it says that it can take up to six hours to take effect, so I guess I’m still safe. However, my client tomorrow morning, is not.