And now Tom Cruise is going to remake The Magnificent Seven

Having heard the criticisms that he couldn't play the hulking, 6-foot-5 Jack Reacher and shrugged them off with a smile that turned into a discomfiting, maniacal cackle, Tom Cruise is now ready to star in a remake of The Magnificent Seven, because he knows he's the only one who can, and the power is in the knowing, or something. "Whee, I'm a cowboy!" the thetan inside Tom Cruise exclaimed, though Variety cautions that the project, which Cruise has been interested in for a while now, is "still a long ways off," giving Cruise plenty of time to get good and grizzled to play one of seven gunfighters tasked with protecting a small Mexican village while clenching his jaw manfully, or the Earth to shrug us off like fleas. Meanwhile, MGM has begun quietly searching for both a writer and director to take on the remake of John Sturges' 1960 Western—a film that was itself a remake of Akira Kurosawa's The Seven Samurai, which is itself being remade by The Weinstein Company. In other words, it will be a remake of a remake of a film that is concurrently being remade, and the domino chain of recursive events shall unlock the doors of the universe.