Hey!
This here's Loretta Jenkins and How I Seize It
and y'all just gonna have to bear with me.
We in for a wild ride tonight, y'al!
Cause I'm gonna be about worthless- useless
in about thirty minutes or so
cause of this bitch done cough up
in my face at the bingo bar.
And I can't be gettin' sicks
and so I had to fight fire with fire as my Mamaw Jenkins would say,
and mixed up her secret recipe...
It's a couple bottles of Robitussin with a squish
of lemon make it right as all rain.
And then I poured some of it in my Peluvian bee
that Samoa's immigrants gived to me.
He got it up in the Marayan/Peluvian mountain
where like Shirley McLaine went and had all her visions
and it make you high and kindly stoop
at the same time, but it feel good!
Oh, and it good for Carpel Tunnel too.
So daggum! I was takin' my renters' monies
down there to deposit in the First Federal Bank.
Y'all know right next to that Italian place
that went out of business on a count of that
abortion clinic was put up right next door to it
and people was havin' to look at posters of dead babies
while they was tryin' to eat they fancy dinners?
But there they was, just like on the news
in a sea of flannely Burkastocks.
One of they gals come up to me and gived me some
hand-written flyer with some chicken grease on it
and I readed it for a glance
and it was just all numbers and complainings on it
and I was like
"Aw, Goddamn...One Of These People?!?!"
You know who...
Come up to you in the streets with a clipboard askin' you,
"Do you like the environment? Gimme a dollar!"
Goddamn hippies.
And now they protestin' like the war in Gannystan...
Or somebody got electrocuted cause they blacks...
And the whole world's prejudiced...
Or they ain't enough 99 cent stores...
Air all around them smellin'
like they at a Jimmy Buffet concert.
And womens with hairy armpits...
And they all chantin' and slogans and
ain't none of them really catchy or interesting.
They all like bellerin' and hollerin'
"We the 99s! We the 99s!!!"
"Yeah..."
"We the 99s!"
"Give us a free lunch!"
"Bring back the government cheeses!"
"Where's all the farm go?"
"Where's the beef"
"Where in the world is Carmen Sandiegos?"
"Where the fuck did Waldo go?"
"And Deaths to Walmarts!!!"
Give me a fuckin' migraine.
So I was walkin' cause my license
had been dispended for three months
cause I rolled up on this wheelchair dude
for givin' me some lip up in the parkin lot of the Sak-N-Sudz.
So I pushed forward through all the unwashed masses
and runned up on these three half-naked trannies-
I'm sorry, 'transgendered' womens/mens...
And they was all holdin' hands and
singing Kumbaya-Flower Power on the banks cause they greedy.
Now what I don't get is how...
...is a bank 'greedy?'
It's a building.
Now the problem we gotta address here...
(laughing)
Is that there is folks out there that actually believes that buildings...
(laughing)
...gots feelings...
Stoop fuckin' hippies...
Hell, 99- 99 Percent of them 99 Percenters
ain't even know what they bitchin' for 99 Percent of the time.
So I asked this stringy-haired ginger, I was like
"What y'all bitchin' for?" and he come at me like
"Come Sister, Come! Let's exchange energies!"
So I taze that mother-fucker in the nutsack
and I imagine he occupying a hospital bed right about now.
Man, if I was the mayor of Wall Street I'd be like,
"On with the hoses! Soap them dirty hippies up!"
I mean what it is that you wanna hear?
You wanna hear that all of us gets together to make
hamburgers a quarter- a dime- nickel again?
Or that teachers is makin' more than doctors?
Now in what kind of sense does that make?
Now I don't know where you git your learnin' from
but you need to learn some escanomics.
Hell, this ain't Europe!
Instead of bitchin' why don't you find your own way
into the One Percenters Club?
Why don't you shave off that goat beard of yours?
And then maybe that guy interview you for that job
won't be all like 'Ewww!' when he first see you.
I'm Loretta Jenkins and I hereby declare myself a '1 Percenter'
cause I'm a winner and not a goddamn hippie loser.
And I know when to bathe myself
and I make my own way and my own money
in this world cause i make it so
And that's How I Seize It!