Saturday, September 28, 2013

The New iPhone. Unlimited Asshattery.

It's 2013, and the world is wide open to me and my awesome iPhone technology!

I am no longer limited to yakking away from every train, bus, park bench, sidewalk, grocery store and movie theater in the United States! No more shall I be shackled to mere texting as I swerve around on the highways or bump into you on the sidewalk or pretend to spend quality time with my kids at the zoo or beach!

With the new (latest) iPhone, I am finally freed from the shackles of my own eyes with their inferior, non-sharing technology! From this point onward, I shall view the planet through the Superior eyes of my iPhone, capturing every moment of my Amazingly Entertaining and Awesome and above all Share-able life for the world to experience!

I shall record it all. Every crack on the sidewalk. Every barking and jumping dog. Every blade of grass, every grain of sand, every gently crashing wave of the sea. Because it's happening in front of me and my phone, it can now be preserved and stored and sent to the phones of the people lucky enough to be called my Friends. No one who has achieved this status need ever be in doubt that I am the Most Remarkable Person in the Universe and that every waking moment of my life is of great Significance. I mean, check out this funny hat I saw- what would your life be if you were deprived of seeing it? Here's an interesting-looking squirrel- I know sending it's image to your phone has changed your life for the better.

Now, everyone I know can experience my life, through the eyes of my phone. And I can record it all (it's my RIGHT, you know) and preserve it for the sad people who do not at this moment have access to the Remarkable Story that is Me.

Come to think of it, you don't really have to thank me. I won't be able to respond anyway, being way too busy watching the world go by through the filter of a four-inch screen.