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Looking Forward

I have so many things to discuss, now that the new year has come and gone. However, I am having some issues of my own at the moment, namely this new house I just bought, getting moved in, and all of the other stuff that comes with buying a new home.....all of which means that I will be more out than in for the conceivable future.

But there are big, big things coming! Suffice it to say that I am in the process of undergoing change, over and above the move, drug use, and many other things we have talked about up to this point! It is an internal change, and consists of how I relate to the world, how I see things, and my attitudes on same.

No, I have not "found god" (mine was never lost!) either. It is an internal readjustment of how I perceive the world and my place within it.

Should be interesting, to say the least!

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I, for one, will be looking forward to hearing what this internal attitude adjustment is all about. Reading your perception of things always interests me. Good luck with the new house undertakings--and DON'T do too much and hurt yourself! Take care, St.D. - B

When I read the above statement, something just clicked inside my head. As a human being, you possess the ability to control and define your experiences-this is, in fact, exactly how your world-view, and all of the resulting opinions, is formed and maintained. The little voice within your head that is your constant companion, and serves to explain reality in a manner that you can understand.....for instance, the computer screen you are reading these words on, and even the words themselves-are they "real"? Or are they merely a universally agreed-upon world-view? In other words, is it really a "computer screen"? Or is it a computer screen just because your little voice agrees with everyone else's little voice that a certain form of reality will henceforth be perceived as a "computer screen"?

Now widen this concept to encompass every aspect of reality-is it real because it is real, or just because we all agree on a common definition?

This is rapidly leading me in directions that are distracting, but that is exactly what can be expected to occur when reality is questioned-the mind seeks that which is familiar. That which has been agreed upon. But I will try to stay on track here! As mentioned in the beginning, as a human, you possess the ability to control and define your experiences.

But what if being human is one of those very experiences you seek to define? You cannot define something by using a pre-existing definition, all you can do is agree on it. I feel as if I am being led into a logic trap here, so let me proceed carefully.

As a human being, each and every moment of your life is an experience. As such, you are constantly trying to gain and maintain control over them, because that is how you "perceive" reality-as the sum of all of your experiences-and the negative thought-form here is that if you can control your experiences, you can control your reality, and thus gain more or better control over your life.....leading to more control over your experiences and more control over reality. Can you begin to see the fallacy here?

But what if you are not a human being? What if you are a spiritual being and humanity itself is just an experience? Suddenly, the entire concept of "reality" changes. Suddenly, Life is not the sum of all of your experiences, but merely one facet of something which is so big you never saw it before. Here is an example-you city-dwellers walk the streets of your cities every day.....but what do you look at? 99% of the time, it will be the ground. You see very tall buildings every day, but you don't really see them.....you look, but you don't see. Now, go to the tallest building you can find, put your back up against the wall, and look up. Most likely, you will suddenly understand that you pass this building every single day, but you have never really seen it.....until now. Suddenly, you grasp the enormity of something that you had previously taken for granted. And maybe, just maybe, you can expand this event to encompass your world-view of reality.

Now substitute the word "life" for the word "building". Did you just catch the faintest glimmer of the reality behind the facade? In methamphetamine terms, it is your tweaker buddy....just a fleeting glimpse and it is gone, while your mind struggles to get a grip on what it just experienced. And if being human is merely a single experience, collective or otherwise, rather than the sum of all experiences, suddenly the future stretches out endlessly, and all of these things we thought were enormous obstacles are smaller than the dust particles we step over every day.

I have to think about this a bit more. I try to hold these thoughts in my mind, but I am being betrayed by my greatest tool, because it is screaming out "You're wrong! Reality is real!"

But what if it is not? What if it is a mutually agreed-upon mass delusion that we have all bought into? What if this entire experience has acted in such a manner as to convince us that it is a complete and unalterable package, when in fact it is just one very small and minor detail of our complete existence? What if being an addict was not a life-encompassing situation, but merely an extremely small and minor experience that one could finish and then walk away from, as one does countless other minor details in this current experience?

If you change your perception, you change.....everything. World-view, life, the universe-they all become part of the spiritual being, rather than becoming an anchor on the spirit.

One of the things we are said to experience as human beings is joy. Really? What exactly is joy? Well, it is an emotion. Duh! That is like saying "it is a word" But what is it? How do you know if you are currently experiencing it or not? Normally, you would compare how you "feel" right now with this concept of what you have been told joy "is", and then decide if you are currently experiencing joy or not. It is my opinion that none of us has experienced the emotion we relate to as joy since we were small children. In fact, as soon as you are able to tell the difference between right and wrong, joy vanishes from your life. Oh, you still retain the capacity for happiness, satisfaction, pride, and other similar emotions, but joy? Long gone. Or is it?

Joy is that feeling you got when you opened your eyes in the morning when you were a kid. A bright new world stretching out before you with no limits in place anywhere. Adventure and excitement were your constant companions, and the only limits you had were the ones you put on yourself.

Joy is the feeling you got when he or she said "Yes, I would be proud and honored to share your life with you".

Joy is the feeling you got when you held your daughter for the first time, when you looked down and realized that it really isn't all about you, but about the most important person in the world, who you just happen to be holding.

Joy is knowing you are not alone.

As a human being, we feel joy as a spiritual experience-something we want more than anything else, but only occurs infrequently. And it happens less and less often as you get older. Until one day you wake up, and you realize that as a spiritual being, joy is a state of being and not just a fading memory.....it is a way of life. It is like not knowing about air, and then discovering that not only is it everywhere, but it permeates your entire existence.

In fact, your existence depends on it. You can be successful. You can find satisfaction in whatever it is that you do. You can take pride in your accomplishments. Hell, you can even be "happy"! But until you cast aside your humanity and embrace your spirituality, you will only experience joy as an illusion, a shadow of what it, and you, are truly meant to be.

Joy is breaking through to the discovery that a spiritual being can embrace their humanity, while the human being thought he lost his humanity long ago.

Music. Have you ever noticed that when you were young, you liked a certain kind of music, but as you grow older, that changed? When we are young, we test the boundary of what is "acceptable" to those who are our family and/or friends, and one of the ways we do this is by shock. "Will this cross the line or be deemed unacceptable?" And one of the main weapons of battle in this war is music. Loud, clashing, dissonant music.....preferably at an ear-piercing unintelligible shriek, and guaranteed to piss off the parents.

When I was quite young, my musical interests began with Elton John and the Beatles. From there I progressed to 10 cc, Led Zeppllin, the Stones, and the Mothers of Invention. That led to Clapton and Winwood, Judas Priest, Nazareth, and Iron Maiden. At this point, my musical direction took some weird turns, and I ended up a lover of the Delta Blues, as well as the old-school Chicago and St Louis Blues, Grateful Dead, little feat, Kenny Wayne Shepard, Leon Russell and Dr. John.

Finally, I went country. Not hit country, no.....my sins were FAR deeper than that! I liked classic country. Old Hank, Patsy Cline, Early Johnny and Jerry Lee, just to name a few. but the interesting thing is that, no matter what I listen to now, I always seem to have that love for everything else that went before.

For the past several years now, I have been in an island frame of mind.. Jimmy Buffet and all the artists you find on Radio Margaritaville. And yet, i will jam hard to Russells Tightwire, little feats Texas Twister, Zappas Stinkfoot, Zevons Lawyers, Guns, and Money or Roland The Headless Thompson Gunner. I have been knownto turn up Iron Maidens Aces High or The Trooper until the walls vibrate and the neighbors start calling.

Nothing has changed. It is still an act of defiance, only this time instead of against the parents, it is against age. But at this stage, our weapons are outdated. Our kids look at us and say Iron Who?". Or maybe "I've heard of Clapton. Who plays in that group?" and then shake their heads sadly when we profess ignorance about the Warped Tour.

But I have hope yet! My second oldest daughter came and asked if i might possibly have a copy of little feats Texas Twister (I do, and it is on vinyl) a few days ago, because "there's something about that beat". And then yesterday, my youngest daughter asked me if I had ever heard of......(ready for this?) "Bob" Plant and Stairway to Heaven?

there is a god in heaven, and he shreds an ax like Kenny Wayne Shepard!