You Let me Fall

January 27, 2011

By Anonymous, Devon, PA

Image Credit: Carlie C., Portland, OR

The author's comments:

I just came up with this one day when i was really depressed.

The wind whistles through my hair. I slip through the sky. Catching on branches and brambles. I grasp for something to catch on. And suddenly I stop. I see a hand holding mine. I look into your eyes and see nothing. A void of empty space. You shoot me a devilish grin and let me go. You let me fall. I hit the ground with a crash. I hear my legs break; I feel the blood rushing out of my body. But I don’t feel it. I feel nothing. All I’m thinking is……... you let me fall…..

I jolt out of bed. With a cold sweat running down my back. I sit on the cold marble floor and think about the dream. I’ve been having this dream over and over again for the past few days. What does it mean? After about a half an hour of thinking. I get off the floor and go to my bathroom to get ready to face the day. I look in my mirror and once again am disappointed by what I see. I see a girl about 16 with dark circles under her bleak grey eyes and a rat’s nest of thick black hair. She is pale as a ghost and has hollowed out cheeks. Well that’s me and I’m going to have to live with it. I turn to my closet and put on the usual black tee with a fun scarf. Skin tight jeans and my torn up converse. I apply mascara to my eyes and a little lip gloss to my lips. I don’t want to be noticed, I want to be a wallflower, pass through the day without being noticed. And then the most important part. Thick black and red bangles to cover the cuts and scars that line my wrists. Yea, I’m a cutter. I don’t want your pity, I don’t care.

I scarf down my breakfast and run out too meet you. You drive up in a black convertible, top down as usual. You have been very distant as of late and it has been worrying me. You are being more depressed than usual, so I put on my happy façade and run out to greet you. We don’t speak as we drive to school. But I know we will have plenty of time to talk tonight, we have a date down by the ridge. The most romantic spot in the area. I know that I have only known you for a few months, but I feel like I have known you for my whole life, its odd, but I trust you with anything. But now I sense that something is off, there is something wrong, I don’t know what it is but I intend to find out.

When we get to school you walk away from me without a word, no "I love you" or "have a nice day sweetie" no smile, no nothing. I shrug it off and head to my first class, but throughout the day I can’t get your weird mood out of my head. I’ve decided to talk to you about it tonight, maybe there is something going on in your family, you have never had a very good family structure…. I don’t know. All I know is that I have a sinking feeling about tonight, like something bad is going to happen. But why? I never listen to my gut, my instincts told me that I shouldn’t go out with you, but I didn’t listen to it and I have never been so happy.

By the time lunch rolls around I am terrified about tonight. Something is going to happen, I just know it. I sit on my own behind the football bleachers and eat my lunch. Alone as usual. I’m an oddity at this school I am the one that is always alone, never really smiling. I always have my nose in a book. I like being alone, I enjoy only your company. After lunch I trudge to the rest of my classes, for once I am dreading the end of the school day.

After school I see you waiting for me at your car, no smile, no warm greeting, no nothing. We drive to the ridge, and watch the sunset. You haven’t even tried to hold my hand or anything. You get out of the car and on instinct, I follow. You sit on the ridge and I sit next to you. I take your hand and look in your eyes and whisper "I love you". Then it all happened in a flash, you pulled my arm and I jerk forward thinking that you are pulling me into a kiss or hug. But no, you pull me over the edge. I’m dangling over the edge gripping onto your hand. I look into your eyes and see nothing. A void of empty space. You shoot me a devilish grin and let me go. You let me fall. I hit the ground with a crash. I hear my legs break, I feel the blood rushing out of my body. But I don’t feel it. I feel nothing. All I’m thinking is……... you let me fall…..

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