How to save the Republic from World War III? Get Trump to watch 'Nashville.'

March 11,2017 09:23

President Trump, during the campaign, famously said that he gets his military advice from “the shows.” He wasn't kidding. Now, as leader of the free world, he gets up in the morning and, long before receiving his intelligence briefing (if he receives ...

President Trump holds a meeting in the White House. (Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images) President Trump, during the campaign, famously said that he gets his military advice from â€œthe shows.â€ He wasnâ€™t kidding. Now, as leader of the free world, he gets up in the morning and, long before receiving his intelligence briefing (if he receives one at all), he flips on cable news and starts tweeting. His comments are in the style of a guy in a La-Z-Boy shouting at the television, except the guy in the La-Z-Boy has 26 million Twitter followers and controls a nuclear arsenal that could destroy the world many times over. Fox Newsâ€™s morning show flashes a graphic alleging that 122 released â€œGitmo prisoners reengaged in terrorism.â€ Within an hour, Trump tweets from the White House: â€œ122 vicious prisoners, released by the Obama administration from Gitmo, have returned to the battlefield. Just another terrible decision!â€ (As The Postâ€™s Jenna Johnson pointed out, 113 of the 122 were released during the George W. Bush administration.) A â€œFox & Friendsâ€ host calls for Trump to block federal funding to universities that try to â€œsilence conservative voices,â€ after violent protests at the University of California at Berkeley over a speech by conservative provocateur Milo Yiannopoulos. Half an hour later, Trump tweets: â€œIf U.C. Berkeley does not allow free speech and practices violence on innocent people with a different point of view â€” NO FEDERAL FUNDS?â€ Fox Newsâ€™s â€œOâ€™Reilly Factorâ€ cites statistics about crime in Chicago. An hour later, Trump tweets the same statistics: â€œIf Chicago doesnâ€™t fix the horrible â€˜carnageâ€™ going on, 228 shootings in 2017 with 42 killings (up 24% from 2016), I will send in the Feds!â€ Fox News labels Chelsea Manning an â€œungrateful traitorâ€ who had called President Barack Obama a â€œweak leader.â€ Fourteen minutes later, CNNâ€™s Brian Stelter notes, Trump tweets: â€œUngrateful TRAITOR Chelsea Manning, who should never have been released from prison, is now calling President Obama a weak leader. Terrible!â€ Fox Newsâ€™s Tucker Carlson airs a report alleging that Sweden has been trying to â€œcover upâ€ an outburst of violence caused by Muslim immigrants. The next day, Trump tells a crowd in Florida: â€œYou look at whatâ€™s happening last night in Sweden. Sweden? Who would believe this?â€ Swedes have no idea what Trump is talking about; an international incident ensues. Trumpâ€™s virtual shouts at the television arenâ€™t limited to Fox News (NBC, MSNBC and CNN have fired him up, too), and they have been about everything from Russia to Obamacare to flag burning. Clearly we are not going to get Trump to turn off the idiot box and do his homework. But perhaps somebody could change the channel in the residence? This way Trump could still get his frustrations out, La-Z-Boy-style â€” and the Republic would not have to fear that the commander in chief might at any moment start World War III because of something he just heard on Fox News. With some guidance from Hank Stuever, The Postâ€™s TV critic, I searched the proverbial dial for shows that might prove useful distractions for Trump. Following, with the necessary SPOILER ALERT, are examples of how Trump could be occupied with fictional drama to prevent him from creating real crises. Instead of dire warnings of terrorist threats, he could tweet about Showtimeâ€™s â€œHomelandâ€: â€œUngrateful TRAITOR Carrie Mathison, whose law firm helps Radical Islamic Terrorists, has daughter taken away. We are already winning again, America!â€ Instead of threatening to tear up NAFTA and the Iran nuclear deal, he could critique HGTVâ€™s â€œFixer Upperâ€: â€œDo you believe it? Jordan & Rachel should not have bought the house. I could renovate for 1/2 Chip & Jo price. A terrible deal!â€ He could channel personal animosity not at Democrats but at the contestants of Discoveryâ€™s â€œNaked and Afraidâ€: â€œCHOKER Jason, highly overrated with 6.8 PSR, drops out on Day 11 because of â€˜parasites.â€™ Weak! Too much pixelation covering Lacey. Sad.â€ His unnerving rants about crime and violence could find an outlet in recent actions on CMTâ€™s â€œNashvilleâ€: â€œRayna escapes knife attack but then killed after car crash. Carnage stops right now!â€ He might direct his conspiracy theories about rigged elections into demanding an investigation into how crooked Blake Shelton won five of 11 seasons on â€œThe Voice.â€ His curious fondness for Russia could find a healthy outlet by watching FXâ€™s â€œThe Americansâ€; everybody roots for Russian spies Philip and Elizabeth. And he could work through his issues with women and minorities by focusing them on HBOâ€™s â€œGirlsâ€: â€œShocker! Total zero Lena Dunham gets pregnant by the foreign Muslim, Riz Ahmed.â€ And â€” who knows? â€” maybe watching the Weather Channel now and then might get him to reconsider climate change: â€œWinter Storm Reggie coming followed by 2 more storms â€” and 49Â Midwest tornadoes. I INHERITED A MESS!â€ Who wouldnâ€™t retweet that? Twitter: @Milbank Read more from Dana Milbankâ€™s archive, follow him on Twitter or subscribe to his updates on Facebook.