16 Apr Love is NOT a Battlefield. Repeat.

I have read the book “He is just not into you” a couple of times. And I have read the book “The Rules” just before that. I then caught myself saying “this is sick!” Since when did we have a whole checklist of to-do-list-for-me-to-know-for-certain-that-he-is-in-love-with-me? And since when did love become a chasing game? Though I do understand that the make up or the psyche of men and women are very different, I still believe that love, or falling in love takes different forms. Just because he gave you flowers, chocolates and what have you, he is in love with you na?

I am tired of the standards that are issued by “all-knowing” women of what a guy should do for us to know that they are in love with us. And I am tired of the whole chasing after you game that women play on guys. Utang na loob! I don’t want to be chased because I am tired of running. So here is the deal, you like me or not? If you like me then stay, get to know me, the real me, the paradox that they call by my name. If you don’t like me then by all means get the hell out of my life. Period.

I do not approve of the “best foot forward” kind of thing. I do not like seeing people at their best. Heck, I don’t like seeing just the good in people. I like seeing them in their truest form. Their worst if they let me have it, to know if I can handle it or not. I would like to see what irritates you, what drives you crazy. And I like pushing you to your limits. Exhaust you if I can. I give you all the sh** about me so you will know if you can handle me at my worst.

I believe in what Marilyn Monroe has said: “if you can’t handle me at my worst, then certainly you don’t deserve my best.”

I have created a pattern of falling madly in love with people. I have made the mistake of wanting my world to go in slow motion. Pag nag-slow-mo ang mundo ko, siya na nga. And I have been stupid enough to hang on to something because of the slow motions — because I love that feeling. That thing when your world tumbles down and you are out of control. I like the challenge of keeping my heart still, yet in the end I will succumb to the feelings of being madly, all-engulfing, in love. NOT!

What is it then, that thing they call falling in love?

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NO Rules Girl

I would like to believe that there are no set rules or standards as one must qualify in for one to say that you are in love. We must be accepting of the fact that people are different no matter how similar they seem to be. As I have learned, love takes many different forms. And not because one is not showing anything on your checklist does it mean that the supposed lover is not feeling it. Teka lang, sandali. Sino bang gumawa ng checklist? Who died and made them the authority?

I was talking to one of my associates just today asking him what happened to that psycho-girl who kept on texting him when we were doing our first workload together. “Ay mam, minsan ko na lang po kinakausap,” he told me. “Bakit naman?” I asked. He went on and on about the complications of being with the girl and the fact that she was married didn’t exactly paint a beautiful picture. “I told you!” I exclaimed. “Bad news yan dude!” It made me realize one thing, not because he wanted to stop talking to the girl does it mean that he doesn’t have feelings for her. At the contrary, he does. A lot of it. It’s just that this time he has realized that letting her go was the best thing that could ever happen to both of them. As affirmed by writer Tweet Sering in her book “Astigirl”: “Love can also be the courage you need to do the right thing — whether the right thing is to stay or leave.” OUCH!

In my most insane mind I wanted to scream at him and say: “fight for it. Damned it! All is fair in love and war!” But I had to keep mouth shut knowing that I wouldn’t be of much help to him by saying that. He made the right choice. And no matter how painful it must be, I must give my utmost respect for the man. He knows when to stop.

The Real Deal

But for people like us, people without complications, I would like say that set “rules” need not apply. I have come to understand that we cannot and should not limit the definitions of love. We can make it as narrow and as small as what our minds can capture of what it is or what has become of it. In truth, love cannot be defined.

In all those years that I have fallen in love, I have confined it to what it should be and what I wanted to feel out of it. And when finally I’ve felt it, I’ve lost it and all what is left of my insanity. It isn’t about the slow motions. It isn’t about making your heart beat quadruple time whenever you are together. It isn’t about that at all. I have made the mistake of telling myself that one person doesn’t love me, or doesn’t love me enough because he has failed to fit into the “mold” or the “prototype” that I have created in my head. And worse yet, I have fallen to the understanding that he doesn’t love me as much as I love him. At kelan nga ba naging contest ang love?

Today, I stand in the realms of love, and this time I am armed knowing that I have to let it go. Those notions of what love ought to be, I have decided to actually set it free. Who cares if the real deal can’t give me the effin’ slow motions? Who cares if the real deal can’t make my pulse race? Who cares if he is just someone who accepts me for who I am and lets me be sans the drama and the tug-o-war of control? Who the hell cares? As long as he is the real deal. As long as he would take my hand and walk with me for the rest of my life. As long as he becomes my friend, my bestfriend, my ally, my confidant, my drinking partner, my dance partner if we can push it. As long as he is there in the best times, in the worst times of my life. Then who the hell cares?