Friday, January 30, 2009

Ugh I ate too much (although not muched compared to BBT [before band time lol]) but I feel yukky and my port site hurts.. is that weird that every time I eat too much my port site tends to hurt and I get achey feeling on the side..Anyways soo tired, work was a bitch today. Smart ass yr 12 boys really pissed me off and I didn't gym it again :-( I feel a little guilty.. I really need to find my crap and get it together. If you find it can you send it my way and tell it to hurry up puhlease!Have a good w.end everyone! Think I will gym it tomorrow and having dinner with some of the girls tomorrow night, not my close friends but girls from the old yr 12 friendship group so it should be nice but after it a nice 40min drive to the boyfies place - that is killing me and im sick of living at home and i need a night/day away from the rentals so I don't have a choice but still ssoo annoying!

So have a great w.end everyone! I still need to update my weight & add new photos. Can't wait for my next fill - feb 10! I need more already :-(Skinnie Minniexo

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Man oh man I must have some PMS! One second I am happy the next I want to punch someone in the face lol no seriously. I AM SICK OF LIVING AT HOME!!!! I just need my own space, there is always someone here plus my dad and I are like chalk & cheese. It sh*ts me that he isn't working at the moment and when I get home there are dishes everywhere and he asks me whats for dinner (my mum is working a late shift tonight and got home from work at 2am this morning) and he does jack all to help her. I don't know how she puts up with it. Then the bf calls and is in a "stupid play around mood" like a fucking 12 yr old so he just shits me even more lol I'm a bitch I know haha.Man soo tired from working. I get to finish at 4pm but was on my feet all day and I think working is a bit of a shock to the system. Wanted to gym it tonight but I am wrecked so I will be happy if I just get my daily stretches done.Skinnie Minniexo

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

I am feeling so good right now and I am so happy/relieved, I've been down in a funk for too long so its nice to see some light in the long tunnel haha

So will start off on Friday - drove back to Brissie from my nans house (I was housesitting for the night) and did a massive clean of the house for my mumushka (scrubbing floors, windows, sorting out tupperware cupboard, fresh flowers everywhere etc etc hehe only because I wanted to and she's had a lot on her plate the past few weeks) so I felt really good and I know I burnt some calories at least.Spent the w.end with my wonderful boyfriend and sometimes I forget how lucky I am to have finally met someone who is so fantastic although he decided to get fit/healthy too and has lost 7kg in just over 2 weeks only from cutting out most of his carbs and eating better - bastard lol.Yesterday I went to the gym, did 57mins of cardio and some weights (ok like 5 mins but I had to go) but then I played a game of netball last night. I was only GS and didn't move around much but there was some movement which is better than none. I wanted to go GA for a quarter but the girl didn't want to swap so next week I will go G.A. Then this morning I got a call saying they have a temp role for me this week YAY late notice but I was getting so stressed/down about no job and no money but I will get money this week AND there is a chance I could go permanent in this role so yay. It's a brisbane boys grammar and god the school is nice! Although the first thing I did when they asked me was starting to stress about the older boys and looking fat :-( its silly since they are only 17/18 but its what I do. Anyway feeling so good now, will try and hit gym tonight although I am wrecked.Skinnie Minniexo

Thursday, January 22, 2009

BBBOOORREEEDDD!! Soo bored! My Aunty lives in the sunshine coast hinterland and I am babysitting her place and animal as she is in hospital (she had a double mastectomy yesterday - she actually looked really well and awake which was good) so I am bored and there is hardly any mobile reception and luckily nothing good to eat in the house because I ate enough crap at the hospital today.Hope everyone is doing well & feeling good.Skinnie Minniexo

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

I am currently re-reading "Confessions of a Chocaholic" or something like that by the biggest loser host AJ Rochester. And she talks about sabotage and the hardest stuff is the mind issues. There are sooo many pages where I feel like she is reading my mind, one example where she talks about debating mentally whether or not to eat something. I use to/still do sometimes do that, waste about 3 hrs fighting myself to decide whether I eat it or not and either way I end up feeling like I lose. I eat it and feel guilty, don't eat and feel like I am starving myself. Or having one bad meal so blowing the whole thing and thinking I've failed. But now I feel like I am apposite, I am too lenient because sometimes I think "well the band will take care of that" - nothing mayjah but I've had about 6-9 mini chocolate eggs today and I know I shouldn't, its only making me and bandie have to work my ass of harder and on Monday when I way in I will regret it. I am slowly getting my head shit together.Oh and I realised that this time last year I only weighed around 92/93kg - who the fuck puts on 14.9kgs in a year?! Seriously. That is getting me down a bit, thinking I could be under 90 now if I just hadn't become so fkn lazy. Oh well I will still be under 90 eventually but its a little disheartening. But I did 30mins on the xtrainer today then 15min power walk (4% incline, 5.5km/h speed) and my legs feel a little sore so yay, I know you need to change your exercise routine around after a bit because your body gets use to what you do so happy I did that oh and need to start doing weights again - goal for tomorrow :-)Skinnie Minniexo

Monday, January 19, 2009

So after some sleep and a better day I am feeling better about things. I know that friendships don't always last and it is important to talk to your friends about (which I have mentioned before I am meeting with some close friends for dinner soon so will try to talk about it then) but its still hard losing friends and realising some people aren't who you thought they were but I know I have tried everything and am always putting in 100% so why should I feel guilty and I know I deserve good friends so I have put it behind me and trying to focus again. Moving onSo apparently I have lost 5kg... I don't believe it though. My scales fluctuate so much and 1 hour I weigh one amount and an hour later another amount WTF?! But according to my weight at 6.00am on Monday 15 December (my band date) and Today at 9.00am - I have lost 5kg :-). I have noticed a little bit, in my face really and some clothes that use to fit which then didnt fit at all, are a bit better now (although not what they were originally) so starting to feel a bit more motivated and realising that I'm not gonna fail this and slowly but surely I will be the weight and size and BMI I want! Also I agree with Bridget, having a food log really does help so I have started my other blog which is my food/exercise blog and weight loss tracker and I am finding it helps... when I actually do it hehe.Skinnie Minniexx

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Hmm I don't know where to start this really but basically I just feel like fucking crap right now. And I know I've talked about this topic several times but its definitely dragging me down.A "supposed" friend of mine just told me that I don't deserve to have friends because I told him to fuck off and stood up for myself about something and I know I don't need toxic people in my life but shit did those words hurt me and now I can't help think maybe my shitty friendships with people are my fault?! I just feel like I make all the effort with my friends and since me and my boyfie have been going out its been hard because he lives so far away and they are shit at making plans so I just hang out with him but I hardly ever see them and feel really lonely sometimes. I am seeing my old close friends for dinner Wed night so I might try to talk to one in particular about how I'm struggling, I guess no one can help you if you they don't know if you are struggling.Wow I actually feel better after typing that.Oh so my stomach has finally calmed down after that second top up fill and solid foods are going down easy and have more restriction, not as much as some people talk about but enough for now I think and I am getting another fill in about 3 1/2 weeks. Still learning and getting use to it and I underestimated how frustrating and hard this band can be sometimes but still wouldn't change it for the world :-) Actually looking fwd to weighing myself tomorrow.SkinnieMinniexxP.S - Bridget I loved that "Body" paragraph. I never thought the stomach band would also work as a mental/brain band.

Friday, January 16, 2009

So throughout the whole day I've only had some greek yoghurt, up & go and some soft pasta tonight for dinner (a twin pack healthy choice) and everytime after I have eaten I have had this weird full/hunger pain and bowels are having issues, so I am hoping when I start some solid food tomorrow it should be a little more settled down :-) but I am feeling some restriction which is bitter sweet lol in case you didn't know - I like eating lol.

Exercise was good - 45mins @ gym then did 12 laps tonight (not much but better than nothing)..

So apart from feeling sick most of the day, things are slowly looking up :-)Have a great w.end y'all!SkinnieMinniexx

Thursday, January 15, 2009

%^&*... agghhhh I am feeling so fucking irritable it is annoying. I am so bored at home and with everyone at home as well (little sis on holidays, dad home looking after her) and then bro & mum home as well sometimes I am going mental.I moved out of home then moved back this time last year and I didn't think I would be here this long and I really don't think I can last much longer. I need a job & I need some alone Maddie time. I miss living by myself uggggghhhhhh!So I got a top up fill today - not sure how many mls but not many & Dr wasn't too surprised I wasn't feeling any restriction. So before I went I was hungry and now after some soup I can't tell if I'm hungry or full or what.. I'm feeling sick on the stomach while the rest of my family munched down on yummy gourmet pizza ggrrrr! Just one of those days where I don't love my band as much and realised my dream of losing all my weight in like 4-6mths isn't really going to happen and that this will take time hmm plus no exercise today because I just cbf. Hmm one of those days... sorry for the vent!Skinnie "crabby pants" Minniexx

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

I'm talking about FILL of course. So I called my Dr's office and spoke with a nurse and I am going in tomorrow to get a little top up on my fill :-) so hopefully I will feel some proper restriction from now on.. especially since I ate 3 weetbix this morning lol oops. So I will let you know tomorrow how it goes...So far been for a swim, only did 20 laps today and have done my exercises as well. Might go to the gym this arvo/tonight but will see how I feel.So I'm fairly happy with the food choices I have been making, haven't had any take-away in the past 5 weeks EVEN when I was extremely hung over and everyone around me was having bacon & egg mcmuffins and cheeseburgers mmm.And I agree Katie, it is like a sick drug addiction sometimes but I am looking forward to when I look back and think "how was I even addicted to that shit in the first place" - this will be the same with my view/obsession on food and my body too lolSkinnie Minniexx

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Thanks to the great supportive comments from Bridget & Bel and the text from Lani B. It's such a nice fuzzy feeling knowing people support your decisions and not only that, they actually get it! And I sometimes feel so sad and lonely without my friend too Bel, especially since she lives a few streets away from my bf so everytime I go to his house and we go out, I drive past her street but out of sight, out of mind and I already feel better for having blocked her and erased from my life (well electronically anyway lol).Soo having said that, feel like I am getting my shit together.. slowly but surely :-) All I need now is a job, a killer one at that. And feeling good about food/exercise too which is nice so yay for Skinnie Minnie!xx

Monday, January 12, 2009

I had a best friend for 4 years - we went through new loves, break-ups and even a birth together (hers not mine lol and yes I was there during the birth) and helped her leave her abusive boyfriend not once, not twice but three times and coped my fair share of verbal abuse from him. Her and her baby even stayed with my family for a week and I started to notice that she wasn't herself, extremely down all the time, not eating or sleeping, no confidence at all and pushing away friends. Then suddenly she stopped talking to me and I did everything to try to talk to her (yes sadly I was probably a little stalkerish but I cared about her so much) and it turns out apparently I said something to someone at work and she didn't appreciate that so decided to ignore me, no not talk to me or ask me if there was any truth in it (which there isn't). Long story short some other stuff has happened and now I am getting absuive threatening emails from a mutual friend (don't worry she is all talk and has a few issues of her own) so I am over toxic friends! Friends who take 100% of you and give you 10% back. Friends who fuck you over, who don't call you back and who take you for granted. Friends who are not even friends.So I have blocked the ex-bestie and her friend on my email and facebook and am washing my hands of them (I can see the toxic slime wash of my hands as I type lol). No more wasted tears, worry, anxiety, stress or money on her or any other using, tocix people anymore. This year is about me, for me and me only. I am going to turn that negative energy into positive and focus on myself, my health, my work and my gorgeous amazing boyfriend who is only ever supportive of me and everything I do and puts me first. I have finally realised that is the sort of guy I deserve and now I realise I only deserve/want friends who put in as much as me.

Thank to everyone here for every supportive comment, email or text ever. I am grateful and lucky to have the support.Skinnie MinniexxP.S - I am still unsure about this fill, sometimes it seems to work, other times it doesn't. I wake up starving - seriously, it is crazy hunger pains and seem to be hungry a few hours later.. hmm going to try to eat more protein and be better this week but may call the Dr and see what he says, or just wait until my next fill - 2nd Feb YAY!I am better than that and deserve better than that.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Ughhh I am feeling the restriction. I ate too much (but still feel like its more than what I shold have with 1 fill already) and feel crap now, just the "I ate too much" feeling. I really need to eat slower and eat proper solids.

Plus I hate not having a proper fucking routine. I always tend to eat crap or graze when I don't have a routine - I am a total boredom eater and I miss working and I don't think I am losing enough weight and I hate not having any money, living at home and generally just feeling like my life is going no-where. Ughh I was in such a good positive mood yesterday and now just fuck it all lol. Definitely going to do exercises & swim tomorrow and try and hit the gym as well, I think I have too much time & energy and start to bring myself down.

I have a little quote which I love and try to stick by and tonight I am writing it down about a million times until it sinks in, it is...

Everything will be okay in the end, if its not okay then its not the end!

So deep inside I know it will be okay and everything happens for a reason and I need to get my headspace right & positive again.. anyways off to read The Secret again and get my shit on track.Anyways feeling a bit better after another vent - god I love this blog hehe. SkinnieMinniexxP.S - A big/skinnie thanks to Bridget & Nola for the luck and nice comments. I did find out Im shortlisted for a job I really want so good positive energy out the to universe for that!

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Ughh I feel crap. I was making a some cupcakes and have a couple of mouthfulls of the icing and feel soo crap now plus have that shoulder-tip pain feeling again!I am in two minds about my fill - sometimes I can feel restriction and other times nothing at all. I think I could do with a little extra fill but I think I need to eat proper solid foods not soft pastas.. hmm.So did my exercises this morning then went for some laps tonight - did 15 in about 30mins which is pretty good for me. I lose my technique and confidence when I don't swim for a while so feeling good PLUS I have two job interviews on Monday so trying to stay postive. Oh also I did my own personal filing today so YAY! Will clean room tomorrow :-) Will also try to hit the gym after 4 mths off hmmWell nighty night everyone - thanks for the comments peeps. Its always nice getting some and knowing ppl are reading this silly little thing. Love & support to ya'll.Skinnie Minniexx

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Okay so after a decent night sleep and some "The Secret" style meditating, visualising my future shit I am trying to see my current situation as positive.I wasn't particuarly happy where I was and would have said no if I was offered a permanent role - so now is my chance to find an awesome job, something that I can make a career out of and give me some direction as to what I want to study (that is another resolution that I forgot to add - to have some sort of diploma at least this year). In the mean time I am going to de-clutter my room hardcore. Go through my clothes, drawers everything and focus on myself again :-)And if anyone knows some legal-easy way to make some $ from home or something that doesn't involve drugs or selling myself (although if I don't have a jobs in 2 weeks that might change lol) let me know, a friend reckons (ugh I hate that word lol) she makes a bit of extra $$ from Avon hmm.Also thanks for the comment Jen. Blogging is a great way to vent and be open, I don't talk about my weight and feelings blah blah to anyone else really so I love my blog hehe. Good luck with the band though - best thing ever!Skinnie Minniexx

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Just need to vent, so turn away now!So at the moment I am doing temp work and was working as a Receptionist. My recruitment agency called me today to tell me that the company can no longer afford a temp so guess who now has no job?! ME!!! I was meant to go back to work tomorrow and now nothing, they couldn't even give me more than a days notice or let me finish of the week so I can get some cash - fuck them! That is such a load of shit. So now I am just feeling crap and what a shit start to the year, I was on such a high and now just cbf.The only positive is I will be able to go to the gym during the day for a while and get my ass moving!Also since I am here, fill is going so good, had a smoothie for breakfast (around 9am) then a boost juice (around 1.00pm & was pretty hungry by then) and just had a sml bowl (probably 1/2 cup) of soft pasta and feel full now! Well I feel something, either I'm full or hungry but think it's full so wowsers. Just have to start eating smaller more often.Skinnie Minniexx

Hello to the 5 or 6 people that read my blog :-) hahahaSo I had my first fill yesterday - 7ml (I have a 14ml band) so on fluids at the moment. Had some soup last night which filled me up but I seemed to be pretty hungry about 4 hrs later which the nurse said could happen because the band really starts to kick ass when you can eat solids so bring on that shit!I've had a friend staying with me so haven't been exercising (although I was at a festival on Saturday and was dancing for about 10hrs - no joke - then had to walk 1.5hrs home so I think that counts as something yeah?!) but she leaves this arvo so I think I will try and hit the gym or go for a walk or do something. Still have to put in my weight stats for yesterday.Hope everyone is going well in the new year so far :-)Skinnie Minniexx

Friday, January 2, 2009

Hope everyone had a great New Year - I actually had one of the best ones so yay and yay for 2009. This is my year to shine haha that sounds sooo lame lol but I have a good feeling about year. And like every other year and I'm sure like everyone else I have a million resolutions. They are:1 - get fit, healthy & happy2 - get serious about saving.3 - go overseas with the bf.4 - only use my time on people who are worth my time (this also includes trying very hard not too gossip or get into the usual drama that seems to follow some people).And that's about it.I hope everyone has a great year :-) Oh and I am off to see my surgeon on Monday and possibly getting a fill so that should be interesting!Skinnie Minniexx