Date: Mon, 24 Sep 2007 17:11:23 -0700 (PDT)
From: firehose Joe
Subject: To Thine Own Self Be True: Chapter 7
"This above all: To thine own self be true, for it must follow as dost the
night the day, that canst not be false to any man." Shakespeare (Hamlet)
Each relationship, unique unto itself, must find its way and become what it
will. We all make the journey. Enjoy this story of Steve and Alejandro
(sounds like a-lah-handro -- Spanish). Though the theme of wrestling will
be a key component in the early chapters and a continuing theme, the story
is about relationships and being true to oneself. Thanks to Bill M for his
assistance proofing the story.
Please do not distribute to other sites without permission of the
author. Comments can be sent to firehosejoe@yahoo.com
>From the previous chapter:
With care, Frederick soaped the tender area and directing him under the
shower, rinsed him thoroughly. Then taking the soap again, Frederick made a
quick job of himself and reached over and turned off both showers. "Come
on, let's get dried off and get out of here. Mike's gonna be looking for me
soon." That seemed to be the impetus that brought Alejandro out of his
reverie.
Soon they were dried and dressed. Neither had spoken. Frederick knew he had
to handle the next moments cautiously. In a gentle voice he said "hey" then
waited as he looked at Alejandro who was unsure if he wanted to meet
Frederick's eyes. Again, "Hey, come on. Look at me. It's ok. Got an idea,
lets go to the student union and get a drink." Hesitatingly he added "I
think we need to talk about this a little. I know I do. Come on." he gently
urged as he grabbed Alejandro's elbow and steered him to the locker room
door.
Chapter 7
"Come on, humor me." Frederick urged.
Alejandro agreed and got in Frederick's car. "I promise I'll bring you back
as soon as you say the word. I think it's easier sometimes to talk when I'm
driving." said Frederick.
Alejandro had been tempted to get in his car and just go to the dorm; but,
he knew if he didn't face this now, it would be awful the next time he saw
Frederick. They had only gone a few blocks when Frederick asked, "you're
not just new to wrestling are you?"
"Shit" Alejandro whispered under his breath. Without considering how it
would sound he answered, "no and I guess that showed too, didn't it. I
don't believe this. I feel like I'm either gonna laugh or throw up. I don't
know what to say!"
"Easy, Dude. Easy," replied Frederick and trying to lighten the moment,
"you toss your cookies and you're gonna have to clean it up." He paused,
"You did notice you weren't the only one with his cock shooting
cream. Alright, I don't know any other way to say it; but, was that your
first time doing anything like that? You seemed to know what to do when
things really got going but I still got the impression that, well, you
know."
"Damn it. No, I don't know!" Alejandro almost shouted, turning to look at
Frederick. "Shit! I'm probably screwing everything up; but, I just don't
care right now." His words rushed together, "I can see now that you knew
just what you were doing, what you wanted to do with me. I didn't stop you
did I? You gave me an out a couple of times but I was afraid to say yes and
afraid to say no. Aw, fuck!" Alejandro shouted and turned away from
Frederick "Just take me back to the gym and try to pretend this never
happened."
Without answering, Frederick signaled and turned into an empty parking lot
behind an academic building, turned off the engine and looked over at
Alejandro. "I'll take you back like I said; but, I'd like to talk to you a
little more if you'll let me." He let the silence grow wondering if
Alejandro would bolt or stay and talk.
When Alejandro started talking it came like a flood. He told Fredrick about
his fears, the expectations that others had of him, some of his background
and about his family, his longing to be with another man and the confusion
and isolation he felt. When he glanced at his watch, they'd been sitting
there nearly an hour.
"Aw damn, I didn't mean to do this, to make you stay so late. I just don't
know what to think or say right now."
Frederick replied, "Don't say anything. You've said a lot in the past hour,
probably stuff that's been holed up inside of you for years. Just be still
for a minute." He waited for a few seconds then said, "Look Alejandro, I
know from personal experience that the first time is amazing but sometimes
the fallout afterward ain't so great. You've still got a lot of questions
and stuff you need to sort through. What do ya say we go back to my place?
You do live in the dorms, right? Well we'll have some privacy at my
apartment. I don't have a class till 11 a.m. We still need to talk. Trust
me on this. Ok?"
Alejandro turned and looked at Frederick, letting his eyes wander over the
features on his face as he thought about his answer. "Yeah, I guess I can
do that. I feel like an idiot asking this; but, am I gonna really regret
tonight?"
Frederick looked and saw the real fear of someone facing an unknown and
said, "No. I don't think so. It's why I want to get somewhere where we can
talk and get all your questions answered as best we can. Ready?" Alejandro
nodded yes. They were quiet for the remainder of the drive, each lost in
his thoughts.
Arriving at the apartment, Frederick said, "gimme a minute so I can give my
rommie a head's up. He'll be crashed by now and I don't want him to be
alarmed or to interrupt us." A moment later, Frederick motioned from the
door and Alejandro went in.
Popping the tops on a couple of sodas, they got comfortable and engaged in
idle chit chat as they got their bearings and Alejandro thought through
what he wanted to ask and say. As the conversation got to the real issues
at hand Alejandro talked and as Frederick listened he reconsidered his
predatory motives and lies he'd told Alejandro to get him alone in the
shower. It was like a bitter taste in his mouth. Alejandro's candor and
transparency made it clear he was a sexual innocent. Frederick realized he
had taken advantage of that and to toss it away was reprehensible. Anyway
he liked this kid and wasn't going to use him.
It was nearly 2 a.m. when the conversation finally wound down. Alejandro
looked at his watch and his face blanched. "I had no idea, Frederick. I'm
sorry" he stammered. "I hate for you to have to go all the way to the
dorms. Aw gee, this stinks."
"Hey, Dude, you can crash here. I know it's just a love seat but,"
Frederick paused. "What am I thinking? You take my bed and I'll crash
here. I'm the one who got all this started and I insist. Now I don't mind
taking you back to the dorm but it is kinda late for you to be waking up
your rommie. It's your call."
"Yeah it is late and I'm perfectly Ok with the couch." Alejandro said. They
were both insistent. Frederick finally said, "Ok, now listen to me. It's
GONNA be like this. You insist on sleeping here, fine. So will I. I'm not
sleeping in my big king bed knowing you're folded up like a damn paperclip
out here. So you're stuck!" By this time they were both laughing
softly. "We sleep here or in there! Your call!"
Alejandro looked at the bed through the door and then back to Frederick
wondering. "I guess the bed wins." He hesitated and continued, "I just
don't want to put us in any situation that, well, um"
"I know, you feel awkward with everything that's happened. But don't worry,
really. It'll be Ok." Frederick motioned for Alejandro to go into his room
as he turned out the lights and locked up.
Before he went to the room he left a quick note for Mike, `Alex is in my
room. Don't let him know you are my roomie just yet. Keep it down in the
morning and I'll explain later.' With that, he turned off the kitchen light
and walked into the bedroom closing the door.
Alejandro was sitting on the side of the bed taking off his shoes and
shorts. He looked questioningly at Frederick "You sure you're Ok with this?
You're not going to molest me or anything are you?" he laughed. It seemed
so much easier than he could have believed. It was the first night he'd
shared a bed with anyone. For that matter, it was a night of firsts all
round.
Frederick looked at the way he was dressed and after a second cleared his
throat saying, "hate to tell you this Alex but I've slept in the raw since
I was eleven years old and I'm not going to wear my briefs and T to make
you comfortable. You do what you want. Just tellin' ya." he finished with a
chuckle. And with that he stripped quickly and slid under the covers. "You
ready for lights out?" and hearing a `yes' he turned off the lights.
"Alex, I know I keep asking this but I promise this will be the last time:
Are you Ok with tonight. I mean I don't want you stabbing me with a knife
in my sleep if you're pissed or anything." They both laughed.
"No, I'm Ok. Thanks for being willing to listen to me. Man that had been
building up for years and I didn't know what to say or who to talk to."
Alejandro reached out his hand and found Frederick's shoulder and gave it a
squeeze. "Now I gotta warn you. I've never shared a bed before so if I roll
on you just push me off, Ok?"
"You're shittin me! Never?! Well lots of firsts tonight for you big boy"
and with that Frederick gave him a shove and laughing, said, "You just stay
on your side." Alejandro laughed softly and shoved him back. Within seconds
they were playfully wrestling, shoving and scissoring each other. Finally,
Frederick got Alejandro in a head lock and Alejandro scissored Frederick's
waist. Frederick could feel Alejandro's erection. They both lay quietly.
"Uh, umm, you're wondering what to do next. Am I right Alex?" Frederick
asked. Met with silence he continued, "It's Ok, I'm the same way. Lower you
leg a little and see for yourself." Slowly Alejandro loosened his scissors
and let his leg move across Frederick's naked cock. Steely hard, it felt
like molten metal to Alejandro and unconsciously he groaned.
Frederick hesitated not wanting to take advantage of the sweet opportunity
facing him. He decided to let Alex make the first move. Loosening the head
lock Frederick reached down and began to gently thumb the hard nipple he
found. With a groan, Alejandro turned and began to push against Frederick's
body with his muscle. Frederick slipped his free hand under Alejandro's T
and slid it up his chest. Alejandro grabbed the bunched cloth and pulling
it off tossed it to the floor. With an increased urgency Alejandro began
pushing his cock against Frederick. Frederick reached down and gently
pinched and twisted Alejandro's nipple and was rewarded with a deep groan
of pleasure.
Without really thinking about it, Frederick rolled Alejandro to his back
and lay atop him. Spreading his legs and resting his weight on his knees,
Frederick pressed Alejandro's shoulders to the mattress, gently thrusting
their cocks together. Alejandro pushed back with his cock, lifting his abs
as he rose to meet Frederick. Alejandro began to gently thrash. Frederick
stopped the thrusting and lifted his weight. "Getting close there, Alex?"
he whispered.
Alejandro panting said, "so close, so close, why did you stop?"
Frederick lowered his face to Alejandro's, kissed him gently on the cheek
and said, "Alex, we're gonna both be wasted tomorrow. Let's not rush
this. Enjoy it. There's lots we can do together if you want. But ya gotta
let me know if I'm pushing this with you. I don't want to do that."
"I don't think I've wanted anything so badly in all my life,
Frederick. Just show me what to do."
Frederick slid down between Alejandro's knees and pulled off his
briefs. Slowly he let his body settle against Alejandro's, their cocks
nesting against each other. "Don't move and make me a promise. If I let you
shoot now, will you let me help you shoot again?"
"Ohhh, yeah." Alejandro hoarsely whispered.
"Ok, go slow. I mean it. Follow my lead and don't rush it." Frederick
instructed. Gently they rocked against each other, Frederick increasing the
thrusting in small increments. Alejandro began to thrust harder. "I said
slowly, Alex. Don't rush this. It will come soon enough."
For Alejandro, it seemed every nerve ending connected with his sex was
exposed. He had completely released himself to this. Surges of pleasure
moved through his entire body like waves. He was unaware but he spurred
Frederick on with a continual `monologue' of grunts, deep groans and
sighs. Frederick, driven by his own desire, managed to remain focused and
single-minded.
Before long they were both panting. Sweat covered their torsos and caused
the occasional sucking sound that added to the sexual tension they both
felt. Frederick began to feel the telltale muscular movements in
Alejandro. He was gonna bust a nut soon.
"Alex, you ready Dude?" Frederick asked with a knowing smile on his
face. Alejandro grunted his response and continued his thrusting and
twisting. "Ok, Alex. Let's rock!"
With that, Frederick tightened his grip on Alejandro. Their arms and legs
were knotted together. Their muscles tight, slid against each other's sweat
slick bodies. Their lustful grappling increased their desire
exponentially. They began pounding their dicks together. Seconds later it
started. With a powerful bridge, Alejandro lifted Frederick as he dug his
heels into the mattress and pressed his head back releasing an explosion of
cum. Sliding his hands under Alex' upraised, sweat covered, muscular
shoulders, Frederick held on for the ride slamming their bodies together,
lost in his lust rut.
Moments later, they lay on each other, gasping, Frederick holding his tight
embrace, enjoying the feeling of Alejandro's arms around him. They lay
quietly, gently humping against each other to drain the last bit of man
juice and enjoy the fading sensations of their mutual rut.
"Ok, Alex. We can go to sleep like this or I can get us cleaned up. Whadda
ya say?"
"Man, I hate to let you go but really think waking up with this would be
kinda gross." Alejandro answered.
"K, stay here and I'll be right back. Gotta warn you it will be cold
without the sheet but if you pull it up now it will get scummy with
cum. Just hold tight." With that Frederick threw back the sheet and, in the
dark, made his way to the bathroom. He returned with a damp warm towel and
quickly cleaned Alejandro, then himself. Tossing the towel on the floor he
slid in next to his buddy and pulled up the sheet.
They lay beside each other quietly. Frederick's mind was in turmoil. This
guy had poured out his soul. Frederick had just been looking for someone to
get his nut off and this hunky freshman was a challenge. Frederick wasn't
sure Alex was gay even though his intuition told him so. Setting up the
workout and after hours shower had been easy with Mike in the know. Damn,
what to do now?
"You sure are quiet all of a sudden, Frederick." Alejandro said
quietly. "You asleep?"
"Na, just thinking."
In the quiet moments following their shared sex, Alejandro's thoughts had
wandered back across the past few hours. There were a few things that
seemed illogical, just a bit out of place. He hesitated to ask but knew
these questions would bother him more and more if waited. "You mind if I
ask you a couple of questions, Frederick?"
"What, more questions!" Frederick laughed in mock surprise.
"Yeah. Don't worry I'm done crying on your shoulder." Alejandro laughed
quietly. Continuing he asked, "It's just some things I was curious about,
that's all."
"Ok, shoot Dude."
"First, I gotta tell you that I was complimented that you said you asked me
first when you needed to change your work out time. Then I wondered, `why
me?' You've got lots of friends and I'm sure someone who worked out
regularly would have said yes. And," here Alejandro paused, not knowing
whether or how to talk about the experience in the shower; but, he
continued "in the shower, well, did you know, um, ah, did you plan for that
to happen?"
`Damn and Hell!!' Frederick thought. What do I say now? This kid's gonna
hate me, not that I won't deserve it but, damn it, I like him and owe him
the truth. `You fucking idiot!' he thought to himself. Well, better to tell
him and get it over with, cause you can't keep lying. He could feel his gut
continuing to knot and dread building in his chest.
"Alex, I'll answer your questions but you gotta promise me to let me finish
before you say anything, Ok?" Suddenly Alejandro's uneasiness skyrocketed
as he quietly answered, "Ok."
"It won't be a surprise to you when I say I've been getting' it on with
guys since before college. That should be obvious by now. And," Frederick
paused; damn this was going to be tough. Alex was such a decent guy, so
open and trusting.
Before he could continue Alejandro said in a voice mixed with dread and
anger, "wait a minute, turn on the lights. I want to look at you."
Frederick reached over and turned on the bedside lamp. Alejandro glared at
him. "Go on."
Frederick continued, "Well, um, when you joined the club, the first day in
the showers you made my dick twitch. You're a complete package -- I mean
your dark good looks, you're built, you're hung -- you kinda stopped me in
my tracks. That doesn't happen too often.
"Shit, this is tough, Alex. Just try to understand that I feel completely
different now."
Quietly Alejandro answered, his uncertainty and fear building. "Ok, just
tell me what's going on here."
"Just try to let me finish before you do or say anything." Met with
silence, Frederick hesitated but forced himself to continue. "I lied to you
when I said I had to change my lab schedule. Mike had duty to close the gym
and I knew he'd cooperate. I figured that was a story I'd try on you to
see if I could get you in the gym or showers with nobody else around. Hell,
I figured if you didn't go along with my set up to screw around with you I
could stay with the schedule for the rest of the semester. You'd be none
the wiser and I could find some reason to go back to my regular schedule
second semester.
"When you were so willing, or so it looked like to me, I couldn't believe
my luck. That was such a fuckin' hot scene! But I began to worry a little
`cause you were either putting on the best bull shit show ever or you were
really new to this and obviously trusting me. That's why I insisted that we
go for a drink and keep talking.
"When you started unloading all that stuff in the car when we were parked I
almost freaked out. I mean here you were being more honest than anybody's
ever been with me about this stuff. You were asking real questions, trying
to figure out who you were and how you were going to deal with the
experience.
"I mean, it was my fault and I felt responsible and didn't want you to do
anything stupid -- I don't mean kill yourself or anything." Frederick
paused, "I feel like such an idiot right now. Look, I've seen guys go into
a depression, feel they have to tell a priest, tell their parents, all
before they've taken time to think things through and figure where they are
with it.
"I'm rambling. Sorry." Frederick paused gathering his thoughts, "The
invitation to come here wasn't to just get you in my bed. It was late and I
was sure you didn't need to wake your room mate or spend time stewing about
it alone. Coming here seemed a good idea and I didn't intend to make a move
on you. That just kinda happened."
Alejandro asked, "Do you bring guys here to seduce them often?" the irony
evident in his voice.
"Look Alex, it's not that way with me. Believe what you want; but, when
somebody comes home with me it's because we both know what's coming."
answered Frederick.
"Obviously your room mate knows what's going on. Do you do stuff with him
too?"
"Oh Shit!!" Frederick remembered he hadn't told Alex about Mike being his
room mate.
"Did you forget to tell me something? How many more surprises do you have
for me tonight?" Alejandro asked with more anger than he intended.
"Damn, I'm sorry. Gee I've been saying that more than you want to hear I'll
bet! I mentioned Mike earlier. Well, Mike is my room mate." Frederick
groaned.
Alejandro paused for a moment letting it all sink in. "So, there's a note
on the counter telling him that I'm in here, that you evidently scored with
me and he's not to bother us. Have I got that right?!" Alejandro asked.
"Hey he doesn't have to know anything, Alex. I can get you to the dorm and
he'll never know you were here." Frederick replied in desperation.
"And when he asks" Alejandro said in a disarmingly soft voice, "are you
going to lie to him too? Even if you did, it would come out in conversation
sooner or later. Thanks, I'll just stay the night. That is if the offer is
still open." Alejandro added with a note of sarcasm.
"I just keep fucking this up!" Frederick said to himself, sotto voce.
"Just leave things like they are." Alejandro said dejectedly. "If Mike
doesn't mind, I may want to talk to him to get his take on all of this." He
breathed deeply and looked at Frederick. "Now, if you don't mind, just turn
the light out. I need to think."
They lay in dark silence for a long time, neither of them able to
sleep. Finally Alejandro said, "Frederick," then he sighed deeply, "I don't
like what you did but I'm not angry with you. Looking back I could have
said no at any time and you'd have stopped. I know that now. And selfishly,
if I quit the club and didn't ever speak to you again, I'd be right where I
was before tonight. I know how this is going to sound, but hear me out."
Gathering his thoughts and marshalling his courage, Alejandro continued.
"What we did tonight is something I've wanted for years. If I walked away
from the wrestling club and you, it would be just like before with one
exception. I've tasted it and would have no clue as to how to find someone
to experience this again. In a real way, I'm using you and it's no
different than what you did. I understand that.
"I don't know what I want, beyond our experiences tonight, or even how to
think about it. I'm confused. One thing I'm sure about, I don't want to
just jump in bed with anyone who's just interested in sex. Sorry, I know
how that sounds but I don't know another way to say it. I'd like to be
friends with you but not if it means that we've got to do stuff all the
time. Now, I'm sounding like an idiot."
Frederick with his voice soft and encouraging, quickly said, "No, just go
on. I'm following you. Don't stop now."
Alejandro continued, "Tonight I've said things that I never before knew how
to put into words. You've drawn me out, helped me see things about myself
that I knew were there, things I didn't want to think about or even know
how to think about. And now, I just don't know. I've got to figure out who
I am and who I want to be." He sighed and lay still.
The silence grew in the darkness. Frederick listened to Alejandro's
breathing and knew he wasn't asleep but didn't say anything. He wanted to
reach out to him but was afraid of doing something wrong again. So, they
lay there in the quiet.
Finally Alejandro spoke. "This is going to sound so weak, so stupid; but,
I'm confused and just lying here isn't helping." After a long pause he
added, "It felt so good when we were touching. Do you mind, uh, I, ah"
Before Alejandro could say anything more, Frederick rolled over and pulled
him to himself. Holding him gently, he said "I've got you. Don't worry
we'll work this out together. I'm not just shittin' you. I've got your
back, Dude, no matter what. If anyone says anything or does anything to
you, I'm there. I don't know what else I can say or do but I promise, I've
got your back." Alejandro's words seemed to rush together with the relief
he felt.
"This feels good. Thanks." Alejandro said simply. They lay there quietly
for a long time, each with their own thoughts. Finally Alejandro lifted
Frederick's arm and turned to face him in the dark. With a tentative and
quiet voice he asked, "Do you remember earlier tonight promise I'd be able
to go again?"
"Yeah?" Frederick said remembering all to well their discussion.
"Is it too late to do anything about that now?" Alejandro asked. Frederick
reached out for him as he chuckled.