Sunday, October 09, 2005

Not continuing

Decided against continuing the story. The rest is pretty uneventful. Was transferred to another hospital's psych ward after another 2 days in that hospital and it was a fairly decent stay. My borderline rage was only triggered once and since it was in the middle of the night, I fell back asleep before it could get out of control.Yesterday I was feeling very uneasy about being home. Wanted to break into tears and today I'm having that same feeling. There's just this unbearable sadness coursing thru me and I don't know why. I was doing good in the hospital before I left. We were laughing and joking around. Soon as I walked outside my whole mood changed instantaneously. In the past I've always been glad to get home, this time I wasn't.I can't help feeling I would rather be dead. That I have nothing to offer this world. That I'm just sucking up oxygen and money that would be better spent on someone that has a lust for life. I found it ironic that when I was at the hospital I ended up in the cardiac unit. Surrounded by people fighting to hold onto life, while I was fighting to give up on it.Something's so very wrong. Just wish I knew what it was.

3 Comments:

i can understand that feeling Sid, after being discharged from the hospital several times myself, i know how strange it feels when you actually go home.

but look at it this way hon, and i know this sounds lame and trite, but you are here for a reason and that reason is your daughter.. regardless of how "flawed" we as mothers who suffer with mental illnesses may feel, our children need us, and it would have been a terrible tragedy to your daughter who loves you...i was certainly made aware of it when i was hospitalized.

again, if anything, you have a reason to live and that is for your sweet daughter. something to think about ok?

Sid,I can tell you that late Thursday night you emailed me and it was hardly ledgeable, but I figured it out. You told me about all the pills you took....and I emailed you back as soon as I got it on Friday morning. Next thing I knew was from your post that you took more...I was just glad to see you were alive....Then, I got an email from your sister. I just want to tell you how much it meant to me that you had her contact me...I would have been a mess had you not. I wanted to call you, but figured if you wanted to talk, you would call...I didn't want to intrude. I understand that feeling of when you seem great before you get out, and then it all goes to shit on the outside. I think it is because we are so stable in the hospital. All we want is to get out, but when we are there we know we are safe...we are stable on our meds...we have no real stress...someone else will make sure we are fed, dressed, medicated, and put to bed. Then, we get out, and it's all about reality again. We are no longer safe. I know from our past together that you will come out of this....you have before, you will again....I walked on Saturday for my ex and for you...hoping with everything I had that I wouldn't have to walk for you...that you wouldn't need it because you survived.....You are a survivor Sid...You will kick this dark hole's ass....hang in there....call and/or write me...I am always here for you.Take care of you.

I'm glad that you got the help that you needed but I am worried about you still. Keep on hanging on and know that you are very loved and we want the best for you. I personally hate the hospital but the one I was in was TERRIBLE and chaotic. It felt more like jail then a help center.