Saturday, February 09, 2013

You May Ask, "Why?"

Toronto is a northern city, but only just barely and the fact that a storm of 25 cm of snow is the worst we've had in five years is a pretty clear indicator of how generally mild winters here are. Image via TopLeftPixel

Apparently, yesterday the GTA got about 25 cm of snow with some 35 cm falling in some places. Now this storm is headed eastward and will no doubt pick up more moisture thus drop even more snow on already suffering Canadians. All of these reports prompted my brother Mike to ask, "Why?" Why do people behave the way they do during a storm?

It seems rhetorical yet I would like to try and answer these questions if I may.Ques: Why do people insist on driving in a winter storm? (Been in one or two myself and cursed my stupidity.)Ans: Even smart people can do stupid things.

“As I no longer drive any car, I have forfeited caring.”

Ques: Why do so many people who live in winter regions not have snow tires?Ans: Despite the previously stated truism, people who do not have snow tires fall into two categories - 1) Morons for whom no amount of insults will affect their behaviour because they are too stupid to understand you. 2) Lazy people. Maybe they'll get around to it in April. Though they may not remove them until September. After five years this will finally result in having the appropriate tires on during the appropriate season. As I no longer drive any car, I have forfeited "caring".

Mind you, I really do "care" when I am crossing the street and I can tell that the douchey, pseudo-sports car (some crap Sunbird or Nissan), clearly without winter tires, is sliding through a red light and hurtling towards me. This happened yesterday. I nimbly avoided the world's most ridiculous car (a car which no more requires a rear wing airfoil than my bicycle does) and when it did eventually stop and could not start again I was, in fact, a big city downtown Toronto elite asshole and kept walking and did not help. Simply stated, "you shat it, you eat it." Call the CAA. Oh, you don't have a CAA membership nor do you have snow tires? You are a category 1 moron and should probably be shortlisted for a Scotiabank Category 1 Moron Prize, be declared unfit to own a car and have your driving privileges revoked.

“Pretty ladies in sunshine are pancakes for my eyes.”

Ques: Why do weather reporters have to deliver their reports while standing in raging wind and snow?Ans: I know the answer to this. They do this to prove their own existence which, with 3 weather apps on my mobile phone, 2 on my iPad and an infinite amount of weather data available via the Internet, I find laughable. Unless they are very cute and it is the summer. Pretty ladies in sunshine are pancakes for my eyes - comforting, filling and irresistible.

Ques: Why do so many people still go to the airport when they know their flight is cancelled?Ans: The irrationality of human "hope" is so great that populations will elect ineffectual leaders, follow hapless sports franchises and women to believe they really can "change him".
Ques: Why do Senators keep their job when they are criminals?Ans: Technically, they can't. If a charge is brought against Senator Brazeau, he will lose his seat (Twitter handle @thebrazman? Whew boy, what is more telling of someone's character in this century than their chosen online nickname? Maybe your choice of tattoos and underwear). On the other hand, being "unethical" is clearly not the same as "illegal" and if you were never elected in the first place, you can't be "unelected". System broken. Please remove the house of "second sober thought" and replace it with a sorority of naked drunken college girls making decisions they will regret for the rest of their lives.

Ques: Why is Mike Duffy even a Senator at all?Ans:Mike Duffy is a senator merely to prove the case stated above. Also, he is a hyperbolic, obese, obsequious, pompous, unethical, immoral, intellectual fraud, professional hack and Grade-A bullshit artist. In short, a Mulroney Conservative being paid to be a mouthpiece for the Harper government. In a revealing moment of poor judgement on Prime Minister Harper's part, he failed to recognize just how large a mouthpiece Duffy was and how deep a hole it was connected to.

I believe I have answered each question with an equal amount of rhetoric afforded the stature of an online oracle. Worst storm in five years? I guess. Though 5 years ago, I bet a lot more people tried to get to work. Including myself there were eight people in the office yesterday (typically, the work force is between 50-80 depending on the projects). My question is if so many people can work from home, why don't more of us do it? It seems like the answer to Toronto's traffic is right in front of us. Just stop going to work. I'm in. Who amongst you is brave enough to join me?