They are big and scary and kind of bronzed, which pisses me off because I always wanted to be one of those people who tanned easily but instead am pasty or pink depending on the season and dammit, why do those all-powerful goddess labyrinth guardians have it so easy when they probably spend their entire lives down here in the dark where no one will even see them?

Whether it was his disastrous first confession, the use of his hobby telescope to take in the bronzed Mrs. Selahowski sunbathing next door, the purloined swigs of sacramental wine, or, as he got older, the fumbled attempts to sneak contraband past his father and score with girls beneath his mother's vigilant radar, John was figuring out that the faith and fervor that came so effortlessly to his parents somehow had eluded him.