遠距離戀愛 – how we survived our long distance relationship

Continuing our last topic ‘為何要分手？Why would you break up?‘ this time I want to share with you Sing and I managed to survive our long distance relationship, what gave us power to keep on going as well as we will share advice that Chinese men give each other to handle burden of LDR.

On many sites you can find articles about keeping your relationship alive or why you shouldn’t get involved in that kind of situations. Many of those comments are universal for any race, any distance, any sex. And to be honest with you, most of the guys writing on Chinese forums, say things you’ve probably heard before:

If you cannot handle being lonely or you’re not patient enough don’t even start – it won’t work out.

Money are as important as effort and energy you put into the relationship. Airplane ticket won’t pay itself.

Don’t care what other people say – they are usually negative and can make you start having doubts.

You’re lucky to live in this modern world – make a use of it, install all kinds of communicators. Whatsapp, WeChat, Skype are your new best friends.

Think about advantages of LDR like avoiding fights or having more time for yourself. Actually Sing made a comment about this: I love you but I miss the time I could spend with my newspaper. Gee, thanks.

Have same goal and spend time trying to reach it instead of spending your free time thinking too much.

Don’t control, your communication should not come from suspicions but from wanting to spend time together. It’s also harder to hold up a partner if you keep pushing him or her away with your doubts.

Doubt is your enemy.

Doesn’t it sound familiar? Another proof that in the end love has no skin color or ethnicity. You can read as much as possible but it is life that verifies your knowledge.

For me it was really tough: when we met I was very young, I had practically no experience with such a long distance relationship. I was in Poland, he studied in America. How could this work? I had so many doubts, even at the time we were ‘officially’ together. It wasn’t about the trust – I think if he flirted with other girls the same way as with me… he would be probably still single. During the talking time I always turned my camera on so he could be included in my everyday life like cooking or cleaning, baking. We made videos or photos of things we did outside. Places we’ve been to. The best I could do is study and do my stuff until he wakes up then go to sleep as late as possible. There was a point I went to sleep at 4AM when I had to wake up at 7AM. I literally got sick from LDR. Inexperienced young girl who wanted to be a grown up. I motivated myself everyday with ‘chicken rib’ – cannot satisfy me from being so far away but don’t want to give up after all the things we’ve been through. We didn’t have any crisis, but one day in Hong Kong we’ve decided – either we’re getting married or we cannot continue it this way. Don’t get me wrong – it wasn’t us who couldn’t stand this. It was immigration, it was all our past: school we’ve chosen, countries we’ve chosen. If we didn’t get married I might be rejected to get a B2 visa to the USA. I cannot come then he must visit me or we don’t see each other for next ~29 months. But since his graduation time was coming and he was about to start his OPT after it he could be rejected to re-enter the country. That means he not only cannot finish his OPT but also literally everything he owned would be left in California. And I think that decision made me keep on going until the wedding day. All the good and bad memories, all the effort, a goal we had and a thought that if I don’t take this step I will regret letting Sing go. Today I’m happy with what we did. We can live together, be together like a normal couple. Sometimes when we drive a car (OK, he drives. I do KARAOKE) I look around and wonder if it’s true or we’re still in LDR and I’m just dreaming about this moment of very average married life.

For Sing it was slightly different. No, not slightly. Actually I’m embarrassed to write how he answered ‘How did you motivate yourself to make it?’. I present you The Most Cold-Hearted and The Least Romantic Guy ever and his ‘great thought’:
You know I had an experience from my past. You can actually write that I’m used to it. I’ve always been a kinda lonely guy – hanging out with just few friends, not into dating as well. I had to entertain myself to keep my mind away from thinking too much. Thinking leads to doubts and all kind of scenarios – what if… what if… what if…? Once I read about a guy who saw his wife on Skype with another man – I think if I had too much free time I would imagine my girl with some other dude, then think what if that’s true etc. There’s nothing good in this.I fell too into you and that’s why I just couldn’t give up. I thought that we might break up – you’re 5 years younger than me, why would you keep yourself from someone who could be close to you. But I preferred regret later breaking up rather than not trying at all. I also had fun with my newspapers, video games and friends to keep my mind away. Honestly speaking I sometimes even sad while for talking to you – my Internet was too slow to handle you and Battlefield at the same time…

Cold-hearted and a psychopath. Good choice, Lina. So that’s how we made it all going. Maybe the way to survive weren’t the same but what we had in common was mostly our goal to be together and eat every meat from that chicken.

At the end with Valentine’s Day around the corner I want to share you my TOP5 most romantic things Chinese men did with their LDR partners to celebrate special days or just to feel like being together.

Made a wooden stamp with her face. Cute but kinda creepy to put your face on an envelope.

Made a picture of a sunrise and sent it during the night so when she woke up she could see the same thing as he.

Bought a surprise ticket to visit her.

Every week send a love letter. Yes, it was my cold hearted psycho bastard to do that. (;

My absolute favourite one: Been in Russia, girl was in China. Bought a cake, took a photo and send it to a bakery in her city to make exactly the same one and bring it to her on her birthday. Later they lighted the candles on each of the cake and blow them. Cake and cheesy, romantic gestures… How can’t you love it? I think it’s a great idea and if your girlfriend doesn’t read my blog I tell you: DO IT, DO IT NOW! 🙂

Do you know any advice that worked for you and could help others? Or maybe you want to share a whole story of your LDR, how did you manage to be together, how did you spend the time like birthdays etc.? I really, really want to read it! 🙂

I find that the hardest thing about long distance isn’t loneliness, which isn’t that bad with social media techs and sometimes a person does have to be alone for long stretches in order to be productive. The hardest part is the pressure to make everything perfect when you meet your significant other. Can’t just relax and enjoy quiet nights in, have to go out and make a big deal about seeing each other and go travel around and it has to be such an event.

Well, I didn’t last long with my LDR in the past. The time zones weren’t even that different, but I just coulnd’t do it. Still, best of luck to everyone else out there trying in whatever way to make love work!!

For my last birthday my boyfriend made a surprise video for me 🙂 He contacted my family and friends though facebook (he hadn’t met any of them by then), had them film their birthday wishes and songs and made a movie with them all. Then on the day of my birthday he prepared a surprise dinner with several friends and after that we went to his friend’s bar. They put the lights off, brought me a cake and played the video! My parents, my brother and his girlfriend, my uncles, aunties and cousins from Spain, my other cousin who studies in Moscow, my friends from back home, my friends from the Philippines… it was great! I love that video! And the rest of the people in the bar also loved it hahaha.

LDR is always hard and I felt that like Chenchen and I would have to rush things, but turns out we didn’t. I guess when your in a LDR both just have to be really determined and actually say to themselves “This is what I want” before even starting a LDR, because if your not 100% it’s always going to be this one bad/uncomfortable feeling that wont go away.. Then again as I’ve said before LDR is a really great test for trust and a couple. If you can go though a LDR it shows how strong a relationship can be.. Last time I was in Scotland visiting Chenchen he bought me a valentines gift.. I don’t know what it is because I’m not allowed to open it, but at least he remembered it 😀 haha, I’ve also got something planned for him, which I’m not going to say here because I know he reads your blog! haha

I know it so well! Me in Poland, he in Australia. When I finish work, he is already in bed. I’m going to sleep, he wakes up etc etc and he is also 5 years older than me hehe but we are still before our wedding. although our stories seems to be quite similar 😉
ahh on valentine’s day he will be in airplane, so it’s me who will make a little surprise for him ;D

All of my experience with LDRs has been, unfortunately negative (read: the relationships didn’t last). But I guess one thing I have realized is that it really takes a deep commitment on both sides to make it work.

As for my husband and I, well, maybe we’re an anomaly but I really love having him around — these days during the Chinese New Year, which we were able to spend together, have been the best.

Even though there is no time diff. for me and him living in diff. countries, we try to see each other every month.. I just had to be positive I guess, I don’t wanna doubt him..afterall, if something bad happens, it’ll will still happen even he is living with me. I think trust and supporting the partner thru and thru is very important.

yes. it is not exactly a cup of tea when you are doing it. i’m in my LDR with a partner in a different continent. me here in asia, him there in usa. we have mutual friends on FB and met during traveling. that’s how it all started.
we are trying the best we know how and taking it one day at a time. making no demands on each other and trying to respect each other’s job and social life. how often we see each other? twice a year. better than none. knowing how it is, i completely respect those who are making it work. congrats on your efforts and your finally settling down together.

I’m afraid LDR didn’t work for me (so I’d understand if you deleted this comment!). I thought we were communicating OK, but it turned out we weren’t. LDR works for some relationships… but just not ours (I’d say how quickly he managed to move on and find someone else – in under a month and a half despite us being together almost a year – is a pretty good indication that long distance made it impossible for me to give him what he wanted). Today (Valentine’s Day) has been tough, but I’m beginning to move on. Time is a healer.

Advice to other couples doing LDR – communicate. Just because it didn’t work for me, doesn’t mean it won’t for you. Good luck 🙂

never 🙂 every comment that isn`t racist etc. will get to this site 🙂 I`m sorry your relationship didn`t work out – some of them does, some of them not but all of us learn some lessons coming from it. I hope you can move on now – maybe let`s start today? 🙂 it can be tough with all the lovely couples around >.< but there are also another lonely souls and maybe somehow those two can meet and stop being lonely 🙂 and if that doesn`t help… there`s always a chocolate hah 😉

My hubby & I did the LDR thing too! Him in Japan and myself in the USA. Was the best opportunity to build a friendship though communicating and talking…everything else was just a bonus when we were able to actually be together 🙂 Good topic!

I’ve been in both and awful LDR which ended really badly and am currently in one in which we are coping really well and I just know is going to work. Which just goes to show that its not the being apart in itself which makes or breaks a relationship, but instead the distance just puts pressure on and tests for any existing cracks. If the relationship is bad then an LDR will make that clear pretty quickly, but if it is good then I think going long distance will make you eventually stronger for it once you are together again. My last relationship ended two months after we moved apart (to different cities in the same country), we’d been going out for four years and then as soon as we are apart he cheats. On the other hand I absolutely trust my current boyfriend and we communicate really well even though he is in the UK and I am in Hong Kong for the year, which means it’ll be about four months until I see him again and there is a huge time difference. Planning our travels around South East Asia for when we are reunited again has been a great way to keep positive, giving us something constructive to plan and look forward to together.