Relationship Advice: Moving For Love

My partner and I have been together for three years and living together for the past year. He just got this amazing job offer, which would take us to a new city in the US from our home in Toronto. He works in a very competitive field, and this job would pay more money and de nitely get him closer to his career goals. When he broke the news to me about the offer, I was so excited—but then the reality of getting uprooted began to hit me. He didn’t assume that we would go, but it’s clearly his hope. I’ve lived in Toronto all of my adult life, and if we move I would have to build a whole new group of friends and eventually nd work as well. I see our futures together—we have something very special. I think this could be such a good thing for him and for us, but I’m also afraid that if he is thriving and I’m struggling to adapt, will I start to resent him? I’ve always wanted to experience a new city, but how can I know the relationship will survive the upheaval? —Bennet

Dear Bennet:
You are writing about one of those big crossroads moments that are almost always overwhelming and stressful. It’s really good that you are giving yourself a chance to esh it out and sort through whatever pitfalls you can imagine. On the other hand, at a certain point you’ll have to go with a gut decision and trust that whatever challenges come your way will be manageable…not easy, but manageable.

Your concern about possible resentment may be the most import- ant factor of them all. If you are going to take this particular leap, you’ll have to decide now that if the move is dif cult you won’t actively fuel your own resentment. That doesn’t mean that you won’t give yourself permission to feel sad or grieve the loss of your time in Toronto—just that you won’t indulge any instinct to point ngers or construct a narrative whereby you are the victim of your partner’s sel sh endeavour.

The two of you are a family now. If you do decide to go along with this move, it has to be a collective effort and decision. If this migration ends up being a bust (for whatever reason), the two of you will have to gure out where to go from there. It’s tempting to lean into big changes like this with trepidation and pessimism, but there’s also a chance that this change could create a whole new chapter that is fruitful and exciting. Only you can know if you want to leap and see what happens.