Tuesday, March 1, 2016

I'm Back

Last night I prayed, I prayed to be able to feel compassion again. I sobbed and I prayed.

It takes courage and vulnerability to be compassionate. I had built a tight wall around my heart, and began to only see others' negative feelings as warning signals, with only two choices: fix it or hide. I asked yesterday for help finding my compassion again, and I found it. Today was such a great day with my kids, even though we were sick and tired, we did it! We were a loving team, supportive when one of us was lagging, asking again patiently when someone had forgotten. I didn't feel anxious or impatient with them. I honestly could see their struggles and not take on their emotions.

I didn't realize how self-protective I had become, I just felt guilty at my lack of patience. I was going through the motions of what compassion looks like, but I wasn't really feeling it. This opens my eyes quite a bit to the struggles of others who grew up self-protecting. Unable to see another's negative emotions as anything other than warning signals, it took me nearly a year to get back my compassion after only 5 years of an unhealthy relationship. Being raised in an emotionally unhealthy environment... Who knows how deep that scarring would go.

I really felt lost without it. I felt like I was adrift in shifting emotions, grasping for this concept that once guided me entirely. I understood it intellectually, but I just couldn't get at it. I knew I should be compassionate, and that it was a good feeling, not this hollow guilt that arose after I snapped at my friend, son or daughter.

Once again right before a huge step forward in healing, I felt horrible, insecure and I couldn't even base it on my hormones.

I'm really looking forward to becoming my old self again, or at least that part of my old self.