Glamor to grammar

In new book, style guru serves a spirited cocktail

Grammar pointers, etiquette tips, appetizer recipes and wardrobe advice deliver big laughs -- seriously -- in the new book by the co-host of TLC's "What Not to Wear," Clinton Kelly.

"Freakin' Fabulous: How to Dress, Speak, Behave, Eat, Drink, Entertain, Decorate and Generally Be Better Than Everyone Else" (Simon Spotlight Entertainment, $24.95) arrives just in time to help you shine on the holiday party circuit, offering guidance such as this:

"Black tie optional" is the passive-aggressive mother of all dress codes. When someone sends you an invite that requests black tie optional, you should read this between the lines: "Men, please wear a tuxedo, but don't feel like you have to. I mean, we'd appreciate it if you would, but if you can't for whatever reason -- maybe you don't own one, or maybe you can't afford to rent one -- don't worry about it. We'll live. But it would be great if you wore one. Do your father and I really ask for that much? We sent you to college and this is how you repay us. Harvey, where are my pills?" ...

On the age-appropriateness of wearing certain pieces, such as Lucite stilettos and tube tops, Kelly suggests this rule: "Ask yourself, 'Would a partially toothless hooker named Whistles enjoy this trend?' ... It's best to take the high road and let the world think you're classy, even if you are easier than the Star magazine crossword puzzle."

The subtitle of the book implies a competitive streak reminiscent of that annoying Penelope character played by Kristin Wiig on "Saturday Night Live" -- and should be taken with equal seriousness.

"It's tongue in cheek. I really don't think I'm better than everyone else," Kelly said in a phone interview. "But it feels really good when people say things like, 'I don't know how you do it. You always look so good and your apartment is so beautiful.' It feels great when people praise you."

It also feels good to be credited with a modicum of intelligence. That's why he included the grammar refresher, which is among the most amusing chapters in the book. On usage of lay/lie, he offers these examples:

"You lay a Xanax on your lover's pillow before bed."

"You lie around the house all day because you're hung over."

Worth noting in advance of holiday gatherings, he urges everyone to banish the "coulda, shoulda, wouldas" from their vocabulary, as in "I should have liquidated my 401(k)."

"Fashionably late" applies only to cocktail parties. There is no such thing as being "fashionably late" when hot food will be served.

True or false: You should never arrive at a party empty handed. False. A good host doesn't expect you to bring anything because everything has been thought of in advance. But bringing a token of appreciation is not uncouth. (See Style page 6 for ideas.)

Throwing a party requires basic math. For every 100 people you invite, plan on 75 attending. If you're not serving dinner, plan for each person to eat 10 appetizers. If you're primarily serving wine, figure one bottle of wine per guest. (Invite a designated do-gooder who will be happy to help a drunken guest get home.)

Your job as host is to facilitate social networking -- perhaps even a one-night stand. Introduce people by finding a common bond, however lame it seems: "Jim, have you met Sara? She also collects shells." "Fred, do you know Jerry? I've almost been arrested with each of you. Discuss." "Charlene, do you know Keira? You've both dabbled in the occult."

Drop gift guilt. When you receive a home-decor gift that doesn't fit with your aesthetic, accept it graciously and then put it in your donations box. If that would kill the giver, stow it for retrieval when necessary. A key bowl is Kelly's one exception to his "no decorative gifts" advice. Everyone -- especially men -- needs a small, chic bowl for dropping keys and change.

Bonus material, not included in the book!: Kelly tends not to give clothes as gifts. His exception is an oversized cashmere sweater, one of his signature gifts. "I purposely buy it in a size too large or two sizes too large," he said. "This is not a go-out sweater, it's a lounge-around-the-house-all-winter-on-a- Saturday-morning-watching-the-TV-or-reading-the-newspaper sweater. A lot of people wouldn't buy it for themselves. But include a note that says it is not to leave the house."

Clinton Kelly, co-host of TLC's "What Not To Wear," will sign copies of his new book, "Freakin' Fabulous," at 7 p.m. Dec. 8 at Borders, 830 N. Michigan Ave.