Your Abortion Horoscopes

Getting an abortion is a big decision, and that is why it is important to time your abortion based on astrological symbols in the sky. Will you kill your child as a Scorpio, a Capricorn, or a Cancer? The choice is yours! Be cautious, because killing your unborn child in the wrong month can mess up your fortunes – don’t fuck it up like a goddamned Gemini.

Libra (September 24 – October 23)

If you abort your unborn child in this period, your fortunes will shift! An unlucky pregnancy can bring about a lucky month for you if you are willing to make your hard choice this month.

Scorpio (October 24 – November 22)

If you abort this month, you will win the lottery. Get an abortion during this period. Kill a child, win some money you monster.

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21)

Aborting your fetus in this month is a risky choice. Doing this will grant you a month of pure honesty, where people will tell you how they feel. Do not abort if your feelings are easily hurt.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Aborting this month will bring out the worst in people. Prepare to see rationality go out the window. If you abort this month, you are probably bad person.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 19)

Getting an abortion during this month is an intelligent move if you are planning something exciting, as it guarantees a fruitful month of prosperity and cornucopias and other shit like that.

Pisces (February 20 – March 20)

Why abort in this period? If you do, the stock market will have a good month. Even if it is the wrong time for an abortion, you should bite the bullet because your dad just bought stock in Samsung.

Aries (March 21 – April 20)

If you choose to abort in this month, watch for the full moon. The blood of an unborn child is proven to attract werewolves.

Taurus (April 21 – May 21)

If this is your first pregnancy, aborting your child will spare the life of another first-born. In a way, you are actually saving a life, so take that, anti-abortion crowd!

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)

No amount of aborted children can save you from being a piece of shit you goddamned Gemini.

Cancer (June 22 – July 23)

If you get an abortion in this month, it counts as a murder no matter what. Stop reading this like everything is okay you murderer. Just to be clear, you are still better than a goddamned Gemini.

Leo (July 24 – August 23)

This is known as the 50/50 month for abortions, because getting an abortion now gives you a 50% chance of having good sex for a month, and a 50% chance of spending your nights crying, saying “this never happens to me I swear”. Kill your child at your own discretion.

Virgo (August 24 – September 23)

Aborting your child in this month will bring you seven years of good luck, but only if you can abort with a good conscience. In other words, killing your own child can be a prosperous exercise if you are a heartless monster. Be careful you do not stoop to the level of a goddamned Gemini.

Come be a part of Golden Words!
If you can read this paragraph you're good enough for us. Everyone is welcome, regardless of year, faculty, or discipline. You can join us for Press Nite, which is held every Sunday during the Fall and Winter terms in the EngSoc Lounge above the bookstore. Feel free to join in any time and hit us up with some of that world-class humor of yours that we've been hearing so much about. Please bring a laptop. We will provide you with free food.