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Scenes From A Russian Restaurant

I suppose you can argue that one person with a connection to Russian spies is not indicative of the practices of a campaign. OK, two is a coincidence. Oh, look, there’s another coincidence…and another…and, oh c’mon!!!

What is it with Trump and Russia? He can’t criticize Putin at all. Even yesterday when he said our relations with Russia are at an “all-time low,” yet he couldn’t say anything negative about Putin. He’s bashing Bashar al-Assad all day long for using chemical weapons. He wonders if the Russians are complicit but yet…no harsh words for Putin.

Have you noticed that Trump changes his tune on people after he meets them? He’ll slander them for months. Wage a campaign against them. Then he meets them and talks about how awesome they are. From Obama to Xi Jinping, he hates them and then he loves them. He’s going to go full orgasmic after he meets Putin. Basically, the guy is an ass kisser. By the way, Trump met the NATO guy yesterday and now NATO is not “obsolete” anymore. Also, NATO will now start fighting terrorism, though they’ve been doing that since at least 2001…but Trump, you know. History didn’t begin until he was sworn in as president.

Steve Bannon loves Russia (which many in the Breitbart, alt-right spectrum view as the last bastion of full-fledged whiteness, and in their defense, White Russians are tasty). Bannon was against bombing Syria because it might upset the Russians.

Then you have the people who are actually hanging out with the Russians.

Former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort lobbied for Russian puppets in the Ukraine. Documents showed payments to Manafort from dirty Ukranians to exceed $12 million in cash which he claims he never received, yet evidence turned up of him moving more than $2 million to Washington lobbying firms. Manafort has NOW registered as a foreign lobbyist despite lobbying for Ukraine, Pakistan, Nigeria, Kenya, Equatorial Guinea, Dominican Republic, a Lebanese arms-dealer, and Ferdinand Marcos. Fortunately for him, no Somali pirates have turned up on the list yet.

Today Manafort is under investigation by the CIA, FBI, NSA, Director of National Intelligence, and the financial crimes unit of the Treasury Department. I’m pretty sure he’s wanted for questioning by the Girl Scouts for putting his Tagalongs money into a Cyprus bank, and still owes Blockbuster for rewinding fees.

Of course the Trump campaign says Manafort wasn’t that involved with the campaign despite him being the campaign manager for five months. Paul who?

Jared Kushner, Trump’s son-in-law, senior adviser, and currently leading the White House Office of American Innovation (a branch of the Department of Making America Great Again and NOT an offshoot of the Department of Humping The Boss’ Daughter as many have speculated), has also hung out with Russians. He conveniently forgot about Russian schmoozing when he filled out forms for the nation’s top security clearance (that lets him in on all the juicy secrets like Roswell, JFK, Colonel’s secret recipe, etc.). Jared met with the Russian ambassador, Sergey Kislyak, which is forgetful as everyone else seems to forget they met him, and the head of a Russian state-owned bank. Oops! I don’t forget going to an ATM so I’m pretty sure I’d recall a Russian bank.

We can’t forget Michael Flynn, the shortest-tenured national security adviser in our nation’s history. He’s another guy who forgot he met with the Russian ambassador, Sergey Kislyak. That Kislyak guy must be the most boring person on the planet. Like Manafort, Flynn has NOW registered as a foreign agent, despite working for Turkey before he joined the Trump campaign.

Jeff Sessions is now our attorney general. He met with the Russian ambassador, and guess what! He forgot all about it too. It’s Kislyak! It slipped his mind to the point that he failed to mention it during his confirmation hearings in the United States Senate. He actually volunteered that he never met with any Russians during the campaign (Do you like pizza? Yes, I do and I never met with any Russians). Yet, there he was hanging out with Russians. More specifically, that boring ambassador. What’s his name again? Oh yeah. Kislyak!!

This brings us to Carter Page. Trump dropped his name as an adviser and later said “Carter who?” Carter was targeted by Russian spies who are on tape as referring to him as an “idiot,” and then he volunteered to the press that he was that idiot. He forgot he met the Russian ambassador (KISLYAK!!!), and he’s now under investigation by the FBI, CIA, NSA, ODNI, and FinCEN. Basically every agency currently after Manafort. Investigate two Trumpsters and the third one is free. Now it’s been revealed that the FBI successfully obtained a FISA court warrant to monitor Page and his contacts with the Russians. A FISA is really hard to get and this one was renewed at least once. That’s not good for Carter.

Carter was interviewed by Chris Hayes of MSNBC and said that he can’t verify that he met with the Russian ambassador, but if he did it was in Cleveland and it was the only Russian person he hung out with in Cleveland…if it happened. Oh that guy’s going to do so well when he testifies in front of the senate.

The Russians were right about one thing. Carter Page is an idiot.

And in case you’re reading this and you work for the Trump campaign: The names Kislyak! KISLYAK!!! KISLYAK!!! KISLYAK!!! KISLYAK!!! What’s with you, fuckers?

Creative notes: Why are so many Trump people creepy looking? These guys don’t look like presidential advisers. They look like strangers offering kids free candy from a van with tinted-windows or maybe, shit weasels working at a “Holocaust Center”.

My buddy and fellow cartoonist, Sergey Kislyak…I mean, Ed (sorry, it’s stuck in my head now), told me yesterday that I shouldn’t have used any labels in my “lounge lizard” cartoon. He might be right, but I felt I should risk it here.

I really hate labels and I’m using them less and less. The one flaw of editorial cartoons are the labels. Some cartoonists are really lazy, sloppy, and excessive with them but it’s a minus for the entire genre. I debated not using any today but I’m not sure any of these guys have household faces yet.

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