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Is The Greatest Showman good?

Nope.

So… kind of a misleading title?

Oh yeah. Which, I guess, is appropriate given that it’s a movie about P.T. Barnum.

The circus guy?

That’d be him, yes.

Wasn’t he kind of a jerk?

More like a shameless con-artist and probable sociopath who made a fortune exploiting animals, the marginalized and the people with birth defects for the amusement of gullible rubes through hollow populist demagoguery.

So it’s a movie where the bad guy is the star?

No, he’s supposed to be the hero of the story.

How does that work?

Because if you rub enough fairy dust on it people will always want to believe anyone who started out poor but became rich is the good guy – because they’d like to do so as well.

Ah, right. But what’s the angle here?

Well, in real life Barnum was a charismatic huckster who made a fortune by putting (mostly) fake “exotic” exhibits, circus animals and people born with visually-interesting physical conditions (conjoined twins, little people, bearded ladies, albinos, etc.) on display for paying customers and calling a “museum.” In this version, Hugh Jackman plays him as a starry-eyed dreamer who’s enlightened ahead of his time about “different people” ranging from his Human Oddities to interracial couples, and posits that his exploitation of them as attractions was a good thing because he helped them learn to love themselves by becoming famous.

…you’re shitting me.

No, I’m afraid that’s the movie.

Isn’t the last most recent thing that happened related to this person that they shut down the modern version of his Circus because everyone knows the animals are abused now?

Yeah, I’m not sure how you read the room badly enough to think “Woke P.T. Barnum” is a great idea for your big holiday musical – it’s like doing a version where chickens keep singing about how awesome Colonel Sanders is.

Is there at least more to it than that?

Sort of, but not very successfully so even then. Barnum’s “arc” is about learning to accept himself the same way his “attractions” eventually do, but because he was born poor he’s got that whole working-class-hero persecution complex happening where he’s always trying to get approval from the wealthy upper-class and snobby critics even when he’s gotten rich himself. He starts neglecting his family and Museum to chase legitimacy as the manager an opera singer, which ends in disaster but teaches him what’s really important and so on and so forth. Zac Efron plays his business partner in a “mirror” B-story where he risks his status as an Old Money rich kid by romancing a Black trapeze artist played by Zendaya.

This all just sounds… awful.

It is.

Who even asked for this?

It feels pretty obvious that they’re angling to get enough people into the songbook for it to be worth spinning off into an actual Broadway production that can print money for a decade or so. Also, Jackman needs to remind everyone that he’s got this whole other skill-set that’s now even more available than before now that he’s done with Wolverine.

Is the music at least good?

It’s… inoffensive, mostly. The main number is, admittedly, catchy and danceable to an almost obnoxious degree, but the rest of them are either forgettable or strong “hooks” surrounded by generic-sounding filler. But that aforementioned main number is a big showstopper about putting on a show, so unless this is a complete bomb you’ll probably be hearing it at talent shows and The Tonys for a long time even if the show never takes off.

Is Jackman good?

He’s always good. Make no mistake, this is Jackman’s show – and that it falls on its face can’t really take away from how apparent his chops still are. Buried amid the forgettable plot and obscene sense of historical perspective are individual moments that might make you think this could’ve been a good movie under some other circumstance, and that’s all about him. Amusingly, all three of his big numbers with Efron involve him tossing the younger actor various props symbolic of him being the “new” super-in-shape-handsome-guy-who-can-also-sing-and-dance guy.

How about the rest of the cast?

Everyone else sort of fades into the background, save for the few sideshow folks who get songs of their own (most notably Keala Settle as The Bearded Lady, who kind of feels like she could’ve been the main character in a good version of this story. Michelle Williams has nothing to work with as Barnum’s wife while Rebecca Ferguson turns up as Jenny Lind (the opera singer but leaves little impression. The most thankless part goes to Paul Sparks as a snooty elitist theater critic who shows up to do the Walter Peck thing and voice all of the perfectly valid criticism of Barnum’s operation in the language of downward-punching classism. We’ll get the point that the guy charging people to gawk at birth-defects is actually a champion of the working class.

So it’s bad because it’s offensive?

Nah, that’s not really the problem. Like Roger Ebert used to say: “Movies aren’t about what they’re about but HOW they’re about what they’re about.” Sure, the actual P.T. Barnum probably wouldn’t have tried to sell this version of himself with a straight face; but the problem is that it can’t be bothered to do it well. There’s nothing fresh, original or dynamic about anything in this movie – it’s the most generic treatment of the subject possible even amid the audacity of its historical revisionism, so there’s nothing to distract from the cognitive dissonance of seeing this obvious story of scheming and exploitation presented as a jolly life-affirming endeavor.

And you would not recommend it?

Not one bit. I was hoping to run out 2017 without any further disasters, but The Greatest Showman is one last dump of garbage for the fire.