Day 30 of 365

I was emotionally and sexually abused by my ex-boyfriend for 2 and a half years. He claimed to have some issues, some include “I ran away from home from my violent dad”, “my ex died in my arms in a car crash” and “I’ve been put into hospital many times for attempted suicides” (all lies). He described every past girlfriend as a ‘psycho ex’.

First of all he made me feel cared for and I gained feelings for him. He seemed to understand me and he did all the right things to make me fall hard for him. He said he wanted to keep what we had a secret from everyone (including best friends and family), I went along with it at first as I really liked him and wanted to respect his wishes. Things went very downhill and out of control.

During our relationship he would get angry and randomly block me so we couldn’t communicate, he sometimes would refuse to look at or talk to me in person, he often had outbursts of claiming was going to kill himself and harm himself (which he sometimes blamed on me), he would often tell me that I was a ‘disgusting piece of shit’, a ‘worthless pathetic bitch’ and that I was ‘nothing’ without him, he accused me of using him for money and cheating on him, he said I wasn’t allowed to talk to my best friends and ruined my family relationships.

He would also make me do sexual acts that I didn’t want to do, he used to bite my nipples until they bled leaving me with scarring, he made me choke on his penis so I couldn’t breathe and would get black spots in my vision, he made me bleed and burn due to having sex when I didn’t want to and this has resulted in vaginismus. He would mock the size of my breasts but told me he loved them, he would tell me my body was beautiful but my face was disgusting.

He would often trip me up, push me to the ground or push me into things and aggressively grab onto my neck or shirt. He cheated on me at least 10 times but denies everything. He made me feel so small and so stupid and so disgusting. From the stress I developed ulcerative colitis and I dropped to 5 stone 10 (my BMI dropped to 12). Eventually I broke up with him (which was extremely messy as he post things on social media saying he was going to jump off a bridge because of it and spread lies about me to get everyone against me) and it is the best (but hardest) thing I’ve ever done. I was diagnosed with PTSD and depression and therefore was put on a load of medication for my physical and mental health.

I have had counseling for about a year and have slowly over time recovered. I now have a lovely boyfriend and an extremely supportive best friend, life is good. The abuse has made me who I am and has taught me to stand up for myself believe in myself. I know that getting through this means that I can overcome anything that life throws at me.