Part 6: Just Say Jesus

WARNING: Content is about abuse. This is something I wrote in a dark moment. It is hope, it is despair. It’s the in between moment of realizing what happened to me, and processing it. I was so confused at the time. I hope that it might help you. The song I listened to is called Just Say Jesus by 7th Time Down. I heard it on www.air1.com . Feel as free to mosey on over there as you are free to explore this site!!! Thanks so much!

There I lay, helpless, cold, on the ground.

Nothing around but evil deeds, of which will never be punished.

I want to move but I can’t.

There I lay, trapped in my mind.

Inside my past

~*~

In reality, the sun is on my face, shining in my eyes, providing a twinkle that anyone would assume is happiness. Happiness. I laugh at the word

In the warm sunlight I am still trapped, my heart screaming to get out, but there is none.

I give up hope. “Who would want a broken girl anyway?” I hear my heart say.

There I sit, alive and well in my present, but my past wells up and pictures it in my tears. Tears of my past run down my face.

~*~

I listen to the radio, and am reminded of something. A glimmer of hope. A song on the radio.

I felt like crying when I realized what I’d done. I was so far gone away from Jesus.

The song, and the spirit convicted me of the crime and I felt like hiding. I wanted to run and hide my face, my heart.

~*~

I ask myself, why do I feel this, with the answer, “You’re straying” over and over repeatedly.

To get through the day, I push it down by telling myself, “Whatever,”

I enter my room later that night, my stomach was not the only thing hurting.

Later at night, when the sun had completely set, I wake up and feel I have to be sick. A hollow nauseousness sets in

~*~

I needed to study so I thought, why not, not gonna sleep anyway.

A voice inside begins to cry in fear, in pain, in sickness.

I know I had to be comforted but I wasn’t sure how.

When something told me it was Okay to pray,

I close my eyes, begin to pray, and realize a block. I remember the song and what the song said.

“When you don’t know what to say, just say Jesus.”

~*~

That’s all I say, a soft whisper of brokenness.

Suddenly the block is removed and I can breathe.

I am in the presence of the Lord now, I bow at that reality.

He lifts up my face and looks at me with love. The perfect love of a father. It was something I have never known. It was so strong, so powerful, that my walls of Jericho crumple in 7 seconds.

~*~

Suddenly, I feel something so real

A pair of arms to meet my heart, and embrace it. Tears well up and I cry.

I cry. I cry for happiness of love, from a torn up heart, the reality of what happened. I cry for being alone, for breaking my promise, and most of all, I cry for separation. Separation from the only love that is safe.

~*~

Separation and guilt was the only thing that hurt. When the Father lifts up my face, and tells me He knew. He knew I wouldn’t keep that promise the moment I said it.

And with every intention of truth, “I love you.”

Three soft words and with that, I slip into a sleep. With no nightmares, no horrible memories, I sleep.