Jesse Jackson's nut envy is understandable once you realizethe power and the magnitude of Obama's testicles. The fact that the former Democratic presidential candidate and civil rights leader Rev. Jesse Jackson wanted to cut out some of Barack Obama's nuts for himself was hardly a surprise to anyone familiar with their miraculous properties. For a long time, people from all cultures of America and beyond have sought to incorporate Obama's nuts into their lives, both as objects of beauty and as tools for the body, mind and spirit.

Every Obama's nut is unique with various properties and characteristics and has the ability to induce hope, as well as store, receive, and transmit energy. Other legendary properties include the ability to attract compassion and understanding of the media, reveal the location of other people's money, ward off unwanted inquiries, and prevent drug overdose.

Despite the common fears, Jackson's plan to collect Obama's nuts wasn't meant to hurt the presidential hopeful - it is a known fact that for every cut out Obama's nut, two more will grow in its place. For every four cut out nuts, eight more will grow, and so on. As of last month, Obama's scrotum resembled a large cluster of table grapes that experts compare to a delicious mix between Fantasy Seedless and Bluebell.

One or two Obama's nuts are occasionally found in shower drains at hotels along his campaign trail. People who find them usually obtain good fortune, boundless wisdom, and total protection from the FBI. Obama's nuts are often worn as amulets, in jewelry, or simply carried loose about the person. They may be whole or ground into powder and used as medicine, especially for expelling infections, viruses, fetuses, and other internal parasites.

As a community member in good standing, Obama frequently donates his nuts to a federal stem cell facility, which he promises to expand into National Center for Mixed Nuts Extraction after he becomes president.

According to Rev. Jessie Jackson's apology and confession, the famed fighter for human rights wanted to redistribute Obama's nuts in the hope they would help him to connect with angels, spirit guides and higher self, as well as gain invisibility. After catching Rev. Jackson red-handed, Obama didn't get mad - but instead, with dignity, he reached into his pants and gave Jackson a handful of random nuts for free. Jessie Jackson hung his head in shame and became invisible. That's why we don't see him much on TV anymore.

It is true that the testicles of progressive politicians can make lovely jewelry with magical qualities. After a long night of amorous exertions, I cut off the nuts of Comrade Kennedy and fashioned them into a pair of earrings.

I do not understand why Comrade Kennedy was so angry. He muttered something about us taking a day trip to Chappaquiddick.

I carry an Articunut in my pocket on every class day, resulting in scintillating lectures and articulate writing. My students adore me and never question the material I present to them in my lectures. I can tell them that the reason Socialism has repeatedly failed is that the right people have not been in charge, and they DON'T call bullshit; they merely dream that they might be the right people to make it work! It also helped me in the interview phase to get NEA funding for my study of "Empowerment and Equality Among Left-handed Lesbian Bricklayers in 14th Century France."

It is to be the benefit of the Glorious collective that Comrade Obama's Nuts be distributed to all Party Leaders. We are to hope that next Five year Plan will include nuts for Commisars and Gulag superintendants. In such latter cases, nuts will be displayed on the right breast between the Medal for Valiant Labor and Ministry of Justice Medal for Zeal. Under no conditions should Obama's Nuts be displayed alongside the Order of Personal Honour and Courage.

After catching Rev. Jackson red-handed, Obama didn't get mad - but instead, with dignity, he reached into his pants and gave Jackson a handful of random nuts for free. Jessie Jackson hung his head in shame and became invisible. That's why we don't see him much on TV anymore.

Something foul may have befallen that certain Kennedy Cop. The Chairman personally escorted the crates of money that he stole raised through donations to Comrade Chavez in Venezuela. We must find Chairman Meow first. No doubt that will put Comrade Sen. Kennedy in more pleasant mood.

How does it feel Hillary, having been reduced from the coming Empress to nutcracker model? Seriously, I think you have been short changed big time by your Chinese comrades. If this is the best they could do for you.... Hmmmm, perhaps you should run for Empress in China? They are an up and coming world power.

Our Beloved Empress has had to lower herself to being nothing more than a tool for KKKapitalists. Soon, she'll be on TV with all the other spokespersons, selling "Thigh Masters" to frustrated comrades in the Collective farms.

Did you comrades not read the Empress's post? She delights in this, and why should she not? This is what all liberated, Progressive women want to use in their never-ending struggle against male oppression.

If only Michelle were fitted with a pair of those, she could easily break Barack of more than just his nuts. She could use them every time his feet smell, when he snores; when he doesn't pick up his socks, put away the bread and butter, make his bed, and--she hasn't said this, but we women know better--when he forgets to put down that damned toilet seat, especially at night!

Yes, when we women get up in the dead of night to go potty, and our butts nearly fall into the bowl because he left the seat up, we dream of returning to bed with a pair of these jagged blades between our thighs. "Oh, honey, wake up. You know how you're always wishing I'd make the first move? We-elll . . . "

Oh, he'd surely remember after getting his manbits trapped between those things, though his aim might be off thereafter, and we'll have to read in the next issue of Glamour how Michelle nags Barack about always leaving a yellow stain on the bathroom mirror.

I was pleased to see that Hillary (with her stainless steel thighs) was able to comment on this, but I did expect some condemnation from her inasmuch as Jesse Jacksonov is sort of "cutting" into her testicle lockbox territory.

Humbly submitted to help Hillary be all she can be... (former marine, sniper killer, and emasculator extraordinaire)

Hillary is reduced to being a shill for the all night QVC network hawking items you can't find in a Walmart......Oh sure, she still has some clout in New York for the moment/.....but Nancy is Power Bitch now! Fear the Nancy! Obama will bow to the Nancy!

I believe that when we find Nancy, we will find the Chairman. If my instincts are correct, I will be even more jealous of the Chairman. I can't seem to keep my mind off the image of the Chairman and Nancy together, no doubt frolicking in a hot tub filled with the heady mix of virgin blood and the tears of orpans, being served by the newly repentant Rev Jackson, and entertained by the comedy stylings of Harry Reid, and watching the re-run of "American President," you know the one where Hillary was voted off by Howard Dean? Oh Lenin.... this is embarrassing! I have to go now.... even I need some privacy now and then if you catch my drift...

I am sure my comrades have heard the latest outrage,,,, Bill O'Reilly should be banished from the airwaves for actually using the "N" word in reference to the Right Rev, Jackson. How low can the VRWC go one asks!

In addition to the standard Brazil nuts--Obama fans in the #1 Lusophone country this side of the GMT--that seem to have been forgotten on the above list, I seem to hear More-Equal-Than-You-or-I Comrade Obamarama has sprouted some Euronuts, which are spreading like evil capitalist Big Ag GM crops (no, not the Yankee imperialist eco-terror corporation in Detroit). I am curious to see whether, given the domestic production of almonds, pistachios, and suicide bombers, Afghanuts will be as fecund when Comrade Obamarama visits there as well.

Why does the phrase "Where no man has gone before" keep running through my mind? (I'll get you for this, Red. As Lenin is my witness, I'll get you for this.)There's no need for aggravation. See, this female comrade is also a Party Organ Donor whose brain keeps falling out and she is willing to donate it to the cause of Peace and Justice since she doesn't need it anyway. Apparently, her brain gives her too much trouble. So I was hoping that, instead of feeling hurt, you would experience the feeling of solidarity and a desire to compare notes with a fellow comrade.

obama has decided to forgo the inauguration, he is demanding to be coronated, "osama the first". his recent trip through Europe was to give Americans the somewhat of an idea of how he is to be worshiped.

The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent, by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other - until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand

Study: Many non-voters still undecided on how they're not going to vote

The Evolution of Dissent: on November 8th the nation is to decide whether dissent will stop being racist and become sexist - or it will once again be patriotic as it was for 8 years under George W. Bush

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