Monday, September 27, 2010

Bondage

Silly title to my blog post huh? I'm sure the word bondage stirs up an array of different thoughts in people's minds.

Well, the definition of bondage is as follows:

thestateofbeingboundbyorsubjectedtosomeexternalpowerorcontrol.

This particular blog post has everything to do with me and the bondage that I have been dealing with for approximately 20 years. I have been in complete bondage to the scale. Crazy as it sounds, I have been. My bathroom scale has external power and control over me, my emotions, my thoughts, and even my behaviors. For hundreds of days, I have woken up to either elation or disappointment as I make my way to the scale, step on, and look at the blinking number that appears before me. I have been known to go from being a completely happy morning person to a grumpy sour puss after getting on the bathroom scale. I have also been known to let those emotions control me for an entire day not to mention an entire week.

It is absolutely no secret that I have had "food dysfunctions" in the past. (That is the term I am now using to describe what professionals would call an eating disorder. Just so everyone is on the same page...) I have had periods in my life where I am able to cope, deal, and control my "dysfunction" better than others. For example, around the time of my wedding, I was what you would call a dieting nightmare. Obsessed with all things weight. Then despite heavy concerns from my husband, I did become pregnant and actually handled the weight gain rather well - all things considered. And then the waxing and waning continued. Periods where I felt good about myself, and periods where I was an absolute grouch to be around -especially if there was food around.

The very sad part to my story is how fully aware I am of what I am doing, what I am thinking, and how I am acting. I am not oblivious. Because I have been living like this for so long, I am so keenly aware of how much body image, calories, fat, and food affect my life. I'm no dummy. I know that at times I am doing things that I know are unhealthy for me and I would absolutely cringe if I knew my girls were doing - but yet the number on the scale has me pulled in. Many times I will do just about anything to move that number down on the scale.

Well, the point of my long winded story is this....I refuse to live in bondage anymore. I refuse to wake up each morning and dread walking into the bathroom for fear that I will step on the scale and be repulsed by what I see. I refuse to be a hypocrite to my children whom I am constantly telling they are beautiful and perfect because that is how God made them, yet not believe the concept myself. I refuse to be a bad example to the two girls I am called to protect.

So with that being said, I have begun a journey - a journey of self-acceptance. I have a feeling this journey is going to take longer than my 1/2 marathon and I'm going to need twice as much endurance to get me through. I have asked Dave to confiscate my scale (to which he did and hid so I can not sneak a peak.) I woke up the is morning and felt almost naked when I walked in to brush my teeth and looked over to the spot in which my scale has resided. I had the urge to recant my request and ask for it back - but I didn't. I resisted the urge to step on the scale at the gym. I am resisting the call of Satan, who in my mind is telling me this is an area I can't overcome. I resisting the idea that I must live in bondage to my scale. I won't. I have wasted too much of my life being controlled by weight. So in essence, I'm not really sure what I'm hoping to accomplish on my "road to self acceptance." Maybe it is just to live without a scale in my house, maybe it will be to look in the mirror and accept myself for who I am, or maybe it will be to simply lose the idea that I have to count every calorie going into my mouth. Who knows, but what I do know is that I'm ready for this journey to begin.

3 comments:

You are gorgeous!!!! I support your decision to get rid of your scale. I have never owned a scale and don't think I ever will. Don't ever go back. It's a great feeling to just be you and to feel good about yourself for who you are, not what you are eating and not eating. I have had many friends struggle with eating disorders and can't place myself in your shoes, but I support your decision to love yourself for who you are and not what the scale says. Love ya girl!

Good for you for finally making the outward decision to not obsess about the number. Now, the harder part is wrapping your brain around it. The way I look at it is this . . I don't care about the number. I care about how I look. If I feel good in my clothes and my skin, then I'm happy. Right now, I'm not happy quite yet, so I know I still have more work to do. Here's the sad thing--I was out shopping one day and realized that now pants come in double zero--who fits into that size! Certainly not someone who has had kids. Remember that even though the girls may not hear the things you say to yourself, they hear the comments you make and the way you always closely examine how you look. I had some 3rd grade girls once say they didn't want to eat snack because they didn't want to get fat. You are the most influential role model they have. Be strong and put something else where that scale used to be--something new to signify your new beginning! Good for you! Proud of you sis!!!!

I love your attitude, and especially what you said about not being a hypocrit by not believing yourself what you try to teach your daughter.I don't have a scale, I have a mirror. Every morning I look in that mirror and I tell myself I'm beautiful. I don't spend an hour examining all the little details that I could complaint about, I just look at myself and approve. Then I get dressed and begin my day.Have a great day!

Quote of the Month

Your marriage is the only example your child has of what an intimate relationship looks, feels, and sounds like. So it's your job to set a great standard.

My Babies

Yes - I gave birth to these two beautiful, silly,amazingly precious little girls. I claim them as mine!

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Me

Welcome new readers!!! For those of you who do not know me, I am a 30 something mother of 4 beautiful and precious little girls. I was blessed 13 years ago to marry an amazing man whom I find extremely attractive after all these years. I am more in love now than the day I was married. Besides "playing mom," I enjoy a career as a nurse working with individuals suffering from eating disorders. This job is my dream job and something I have wanted to do for quite some time. I'm blessed to have been able to have found it. Life seems to be flying by me. There are days when I can't wait to crawl into bed and bury my head and there are days in which I never want to forget. I use my blog as a way of journaling some of those very special moments. I am also using it as an outlet and an outreach. Feel free to read through. Hopefully you will get to know me and my family a little bit better.

David

David is a man who was brought into my life and has forever changed my soul. He is a hard working, handsome, respectful, kind, compassionate, honest, and loving man whom not only works hard outside our home as an environmental biologist, but works extremely hard inside our home to be the husband, father, and spiritual leader God has called him to be.

Mattea

Age 6 - A fun loving, free spirited little girl who is full of laughs and giggles. Mattea is independent and strong willed - but has a heart that far surpasses my expectation of a 6 year old. Mattea enjoys swimming, gymnastics, reading, playing mommy to her baby dolls, and loving all over her baby sister.

Paloma

Age 4 - Paloma used to be a serious, sometimes silly, sassy, sleep deprived little girl. Most recently she has emerged into an amazingly sweet toddler. She is patient, polite, and playful. She continues to be the spunky, stubborn, strong-willed, sweet child that we have all come to know and love. She enterd pre school this year and is thriving. She loves learning and "doing homework" with her sister. She has taken a liking to coloring and drawing. Paloma loves to go swimming and participate in just about any activity her sister is involved in.