Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Office Talk

The banal clichés used in offices have always gotten on my freakin' nerves.

New Job has exposed me to several that I had not heard before. I wonder if they are specific to this company?

NoteAll emails are referred to as notes as in "I sent you a note about this yesterday" or "I just got a note from Bob confirming that he received a note from Betty yesterday."

OpportunityThe mandatory company-wide positive attitude causes most everyone to refer to any problem, oversight or major fuck up as an "opportunity." Example: "We have a strong opportunity in the domestic linens" meaning the ones we have don't sell worth a shit.

Drive, Driving, the DriverThe verb and objects derived from "drive" are taken as equivalents to "taking responsibility" or "responsible party" as in, "Homo Ono is the driver for this half-assed blog."

Own, Owning, the OwnerMuch the same as "driver" above, this is used to signify who to blame when things go badly.

Does that make sense?This phrase is used in such a condescending manner it might as well be followed with "you fucking idiot." People who are explaining things that they feel are obvious to someone who is either unaware or disbelieving will pause and ask "Does that make sense" in order to get a positive reply. Then they proceed as if they have presented a compelling argument for their point of view.

Yet none of these compare to the offensive way that a former co-worker used "white board" as a verb. Example: "This problem is so complicated, we really need to white board it out"- meaning, we need to diagram the situation on the erasable board in his office. The echo of those words will follow me to my grave.

I once told my boss "We have a problem" and he said "do you mean an opportunity?". I looked him straight in the eye and said really slowly, "no, we...have...a...problem." He never used that corporate mumbo jumbo with me again.