Wednesday, 21 January 2015

Forgive me father, for I have sinned

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I Jay walk, daily, sometimes twice daily. The long arm of the law has no place in my life

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I fart in lifts just as I am getting out so the people getting in have to fester in my delightful stench

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I steal my neighbours junk mail

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I will eat a grape from a bunch that I am wanting to buy at the supermarket even though its stealing.

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I smell my clothes to check their cleanliness before I wear them if I cant remember they last time they were washed

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I read strangers texts on the tram to try and find some excitement in my life

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I sit on the toilet and pick my nose if I feel like I need it. There really is nothing better than digging for gold

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I will hide in clothes racks while out shopping so I don't have to speak to people I don't want to speak to

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I made a guy face the wall while I finished his work for him because he was a non performer and I don't even fell guilty about it

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I show other people the dick pics that I get sent so we can all laugh at their man hoods together. I showed a nurse, she thinks you have herpes

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I cyber stalk the new girlfriend and sit with my friends saying terrible things about her in an effort to feel better about myself

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I write tell all damaging blogs about people and don't change their names because I think it is funnier that way

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I use my clothes as a hand towel instead of using hand dryers because they make me feel dirty and sticky

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I did a fart last night that sounded like the roaring of the lions in "The Circle of Life" and I laughed for 10 minutes straight, and then I texted everyone about it because I was so impressed with it.

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I get a moment of pride when I use the toilet at work hours after my original visit and still see the spoils of my toils

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I wonder how some people get boyfriends while I am single

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I am a filthy loud mouthed human and I understand that for all of the above there is a special place in hell set out just for me