Thursday, January 21, 2016

Aussie! Aussie! Aussie! Ugh ugh ugh

So this tournament has been interesting so far, and it's only been three days. You know what this tournament makes me feel like I'm watching? The Blair Witch Project. Every time I go to sleep, I wake up and one of the top seeds has disappeared. Who's next? Only the Melbourne Devil knows.
There's still plenty of tournament left, but let's go over some of the highlights so far:

1. This match-fixing scandal: I forgot the air quotes. Listen, I'ma need some names here. Not just for the sake of salaciousness, but we've been here before, haven't we? Back when everyone made a stink about Nicolai Davydenko and his alleged part in odd betting patterns in tennis? Remember what that turned up? Nothing. I want to take this seriously, but when the Daily News can't even keep track of their Grand Slam champs, (THERE'S A MAJOR IN YOUR BACK YARD EVERY YEAR!!), you just wonder if we'll ever get to the hard facts. OR MAYBE CAROLINE WOZNIACKI IS THE GUILTY ONE!

2. I can't decide whether it's better for the person who loses a match to come sulking into a press conference and mumbling one-word answers or to be rude and skip it altogether. What's Venus hiding? MAYBE VENUS WILLIAMS IS THE GUILTY ONE!

3. With all the crazy upsets going on right now, it could be time for Gael Monfils to finally make some real noise at a Grand Slam. I watched him beat Nicolas Mahut, and he's looking pretty relaxed. But can he stay that way in later rounds?

4. OK, if you're reading this, you have some type of computer advice. So watch the doubles! Or watch Victoria Azarenka beat up on some poor soul.

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If I were the president of tennis:
1. There would be no "super" tiebreaks. Until someone could explain to me what is so super about bailing out of a match early.
2. I would hire a public relations person for the WTA tour. Apparently, they don't have one.
3. No-ad scoring would go the way of stupid tiebreaks.
4. The Davis Cup would take place once a year over two weeks. If the haphazard way it's scheduled now made any sense, we'd start the Australian Open the first weekend in January and finish it sometime in December.
5. I would hire Marat Safin to be my "secretary."