Changing coarse on facial hair

This month marks a 30-year anniversary that's near and dear to my heart.

Or, anatomically speaking, to my face.

It was 30 years ago that I started growing a mustache. And no, contrary to some genetically challenged wiseacres, it didn't take me 20-plus years to complete my whiskering process.

It was two or three, once the Miracle-Gro kicked in.

Three decades is a lot of face time with the same face. So I figured it was time for a change north of the neckline. A new look. A walk on the wild - and woolier - side.

I grew a beard.

It's my first one. I started growing it last Thanksgiving. Check out the updated mug up top. It's fuzzy today for a reason.

I've been tending my sprouting follicles like the groundskeeper at Turner Field pampers his infield. I've clipped the long stuff. I've coaxed the stubble.

I've pursued the full, even look. It's the look that makes ground balls to the shortstop bounce straight and true. It's the look that causes slow bunts to roll like a cue ball across seamless felt. It's the look that says, "Pretty fly for a white guy."

Just so it doesn't say, "Honey, did you water the Chia pet yesterday?" or, "You remind me of Festus in Gunsmoke, but without the charm and good breeding."

I did extensive research before stashing the shaving cream and letting nature take its, ahem, coarse. That means I listened to people who have a better grooming eye than I do (librarians, waitresses and nuns). I went Googling. Here are some of the highlights:

"There are two kinds of people in this world that go around beardless - boys and women, and I am neither one." - a Greek saying about girly-men.

Great Britain's Royal Navy allows "full sets" (beards and moustaches together) but not beards or moustaches alone.

The royale, or impériale, is a tuft of hair under the lower lip. It's also called a "soul patch" or "flavor saver."

Beards have covered the good (Jesus the C), the bad (Osama the SOB), the ugly (Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger) and the rockin' (ZZ Top).

I'm not sure if I'll keep mine.

It's definitely much grayer on the chin than I'd hoped. This whiter shade of pale has prompted comments about how "distinguished" I look. In Savannah genteel-speak, that means, "Yo, geezer."

Still, others called it "cool." I even prompted a "debonair." (French for "slicker than tobacco spit, but tastier.)

But I've learned that men with beards have an advantage over the masculine hairless. We don't need extra covering to keep our faces warm in winter. We look 10 IQ points smarter. We shave minutes off shaving in the morning.

We know what leftovers we are having by licking under our lower lip. We are "savers," in that regard, when it comes to good food and drink. Better yet, we savor any time we feel like it.

Tom Barton is the editorial page editor of the Morning News. His e-mail address is tom.barton@savannahnow.com.