Math Quiz, Defense-style

GARY STEIN

You may have noticed that there was a national math competition in Washington recently in which four junior high school students from Florida -- two from Plantation -- comprised the winning team.

There were 52 teams in the competition, which was called Mathcounts. Among the teams was one called ``Defense Department,`` made up of Defense dependents living outside the United States.

This column, in a truly earth-shattering exclusive, been able to acquire some of the questions the high-level Pentagon bigwigs in Washington used to help prepare the team for the math contest.

1. If you have exactly $21.88 in your savings account, then you win $25,000 in the state lottery, you now have enough money to: (A) Buy almost an entire BMW; (B) Pay for a one-week stay in the hospital, sharing a room; (COLOR) Purchase one screwdriver and make a down payment on a toilet seat.

2. The person who is pictured on the $500 bill is: (A) William McKinley; (B) Benjamin Franklin; (COLOR) The chief executive officer of General Dynamics.

3. A complete, basic-issue Army fatigue outfit, consisting of one shirt, one pair of pants, one pair of boots, one belt and belt buckle, one can of Brasso and one hat, costs: (A) $120; (B) $210; (COLOR) $4,288, assuming there is one pair of pliers in the pants pocket.

4. When deciding which contractor to use for a multi-billion-dollar defense project, the Pentagon honchos think that proper procedure involves: (A) Inviting bids from all interested parties to save taxpayers` money; (B) Pulling names out of a hat; (COLOR) Going for a five-martini lunch and then throwing darts.

5. When you check off that little box when you complete your income tax returns, you are, in effect: (A) Helping to fund the presidential election campaign; (B) Tossing a buck out the window; (COLOR) Donating $500 to support the contras in Nicaragua.

6. How many defense contractors does it take to change one lightbulb? (A) one; (B) 5; (COLOR) 12 -- one to change the bulb, and 11 to explain how, by switching from a 120-watt bulb to a 75-watt bulb, the price of one bulb has dropped dramatically from $1,950 to $1,850.

7. If the Defense Department budget is $125 billion a year, and defense contractors are being investigated for $88 billion worth of fraud, the best way for the Pentagon to alleviate the problem is: (A) Find ways to cut the waste from the budget; (B) Get an IBM PCjr and try to be a little more accurate with the figures; (COLOR) Purchase three fewer hammers; (D) Hire two dozen consultants, add more layers to the bureaucracy and have a few dozen more five-martini power lunches.

8. A lot has been made in the belligerent, liberal press about Defense Department waste, but the actual price of a coffee maker in most department stores is: (A) $27; (B) $34; (COLOR) $1,952, if you use General Dynamics Green Stamps. And you should see the deal they`ll make you on a microwave.

Bonus Question -- Worth Double Points: If Ronald Reagan wants another $9 billion or $10 billion or $15 billion to produce missiles, but the public is against the expenditure, Reagan should: (A) Junk the idea; (B) Change his make-up man; (COLOR) Charge it on American Express instead of Visa and then explain how he is saving the taxpayers millions of dollars because there is no monthly finance charge.

Just in case you`re wondering, the Defense Department team finished 49th out of 52 teams. Perhaps the math coaching from high-level Pentagon honchos needs a little work.