Shocking survey finds majority of Maritimers not in favour of earwigs

Atlantic Canada — In a recent poll conducted by Statistics Atlantic where Maritimers were asked about their thoughts and feelings regarding insects that populate the province, a surprisingly large number of those surveyed expressed their extreme dismay with earwigs.

“I was taken aback by how many people in the Atlantic provinces frown upon these beautiful creatures that hide in dark places and scurry out in the dozens when you turn on a barbecue or something,” said environmental scientist Rebecca Cohen. “The level of vitriol some have expressed regarding these night crawlers with tiny pincers on their asses that flee in the presence of any light exposing their hideous form is simply saddening.”

The survey, which asked Atlantic Canadians “How satisfied are you with the presence of earwigs?” astoundingly found 9 in 10 were “extremely dissatisfied,” with the small remainder responding “somewhat dissatisfied.”

The questionnaire also had a comment section asking participants to add their feedback on the effectiveness of the poll. However, according to spokesperson for Statistics Atlantic Allan Ness, most used it simply to express how much they hated earwigs.

“There were a lot of heated comments regarding the insect,” said Ness. “To say the least it echoed back to the kind of rhetoric you would hear in Nazi Germany.”

According to Ness, one comment read, “If I had three wishes, the first would be for the happiness and well-being of all my family and friends. The second and third would be the slow, painful death of every last earwig that plagues this sad planet.”

“I think it shows we have a long way to go in terms of tolerating these revolting monsters that creep around in the night,” said New Brunswick Premier Brian Gallant. “But I mean, in all seriousness, they’re pretty goddamn disgusting.”

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