Adam Kay
Adam is the more sexually aggressive half
of Amateur Transplants.The eldest child of
fuckloads, he was brought up and educated
in London. His parents hoped he would
become a captain of industry – he has
instead essentially become the sailor from
the Village People.
Adam plays several musical instruments, has
a photographic memory and an obsessional
attention to detail. One can safely assume
he has been immunised against measles,
mumps and rubella.
Currently taking a break from full-time
medicine to concentrate on comedy, this has
really helped him develop his interests in
daytime television and wanking.

In the event of Adam’s death, he would like
his ashes to be scattered unexpectedly over
Graham Norton. It is written into his will that
Suman must not sing at his funeral. One of
you will be chosen at random to be his next
of kin.
Adam lives in London with a series of barelylegal rent boys who seem to be on some sort
of rota. His hobbies include tropical holidays,
vintage Jaguars and Ponzi schemes.
Please note: If Adam buys you a drink, you
are giving your implied consent for sexual
intercourse – don’t go crying to the police
afterwards.

Suman Biswas
Suman (“the brown one”) is currently the
oldest living member of Amateur Transplants.
He was brought up in the jungles of India
by a singing bear. He was born in the North
of England, the son of his parents who
didn’t know any better, and they moved
south as soon as possible. Being foreignlooking, he unsurprisingly excelled at school,
academically reaching sub-sub-prodigy level
in fields as diverse as Maths and Further
Maths.
Like most seven-year olds, he was forced to
learn the recorder. Unlike most seven-year
olds, he was also forced to learn the piano,
clarinet, guitar and double bass. For unknown
reasons, he had a lonely childhood, with only
his deaf brother for company.
Music and comedy have always been great
loves. People laughed whenever he tried
to play the piano so writing funny songs
seemed to be the natural next step. Thanks
to his ambitious parents, Suman was
encouraged to pursue a respectable and

rewarding career path. However, being lazy,
he followed them into the NHS instead.

legally allowed to stick sharp things into
them and render them unconscious.

Suman still works as an Anaesthetist but
enjoys performing Amateur Transplants gigs.
Both give him many opportunities to travel
and meet new and unusual people. The only
difference is that when he’s at work, he is

Life is supposed to be easy - almost as if to
disprove this, Suman recently got married
to a German midwife. They live in London
together with their 0/1/2/3/4/5/6/0 children
(depending on when you read this).

FAcQs
We asked Adam and Suman five questions, and then typed up the answers.
How did the two of you meet?
We met at university in 1998. Our Medical
School was a very bitter place at the time,
deeply riven into two factions - Shark Island
and Tiger Island. Adam was leader of the
Sharks and Suman was leader of the Tigers.
The two tribes were sworn rivals and would
only meet once a week, at the regular beach
party. One such week, we found ourselves
together on a stage - and we discovered our
common love of the comedy song. Amateur
Transplants was born, and Medical School
was as one again.

How did the first album come
about?
‘Fitness to Practice’ was thrown together as
a charity RAG week endeavour - unrehearsed
and recorded in a single take (using a
keyboard intended for children and a sound
desk we had no control over). We had

intended to flog a couple of hundred copies,
but the public appetite for swearing seemed
to far outweigh this - and it has sold tens of
thousands of copies, and spawned a couple
of subsequent albums. Somehow.

“We think of a quick nobgag and stretch it out until
it’s two minutes long.”
How do you write your songs?
We do two different types of songs I
guess. Firstly, the smart-arse, word-salad,
dictionary-corner patter songs. These take
fucking days to write, and are a thoroughly
miserable experience. The second type are
the sweary songs. We think of a quick nobgag and stretch it out until it’s two minutes
long. We can effectively write those ones in
real-time.

Any memorable complaints?
Virtually no complaints as it happens, with
one exception. We sing ourselves hoarse for
ten years about the diseased and deceased
and no-one bats an eyelid. One song about
Northern girls being ugly and easy, and
suddenly our inboxes are stuffed full of
emails from angry (presumably also ugly and
easy) Northern girls.

Has your music influenced your
medical careers at all?
Not quite sure how to answer that. We try to
keep our two separate careers quite, well,
separate. Like Clark Kent, or Peter Parker. Or
Harold Shipman.

Find out more about Adam & Suman
at www.amateurtransplants.com

Tweets from @amateuradam
Give a man a fish and he will be
confused and suspicious.
Finally I can suck my own penis!
(I'm concerned though I may later
discover some drawbacks of
cutting off my penis.)
If you're trying to imagine how my
previous, glass-topped, coffee table
got broken - you're quite right.
Hitler. Hitler. Hitler-hitler. Hitlerhitler-hitler. Hitler-hitler-hitlerhitler-hitler. (I love the Fibonazi
sequence)
Really excited about looking round
some detached houses. I've already
got a semi.
I always say it's not about length
or girth, more about the sheer
unswallowable volumes of semen.
Oh god - I intended to just do a bit
of light fingering, but I've made a
terrible fist of it.
I have had 29 units of alcohol. 29
in hexadecimal is 1D. If I know this
I should be fine to drive.

Will Cheryl Cole keep Ashley's
surname, or revert to her maiden
name of "The Racist One From
Girls Aloud"?

Sometimes the only thing that
keeps me going is knowing how
miserable Gok Wan must constantly
be.

You can make a terrible omelette
without breaking eggs.

If someone told me three years
ago I'd end up writing over 1500
tweets I'd have said, "What the
fuck are tweets?"

Yesterday I broke my brown shoes.
I mean this literally. I don't mean
"Yesterday I lost my anal footfisting virginity".
I know one shouldn't really make
clay models of Mohammed, but I'm
turning a reasonable prophet.
Work out your pornstar name by
writing down the name you use
when you make pornographic
movies.
My cat is so smart. He knows when
I'm drunk and pours me a glass of
water. Fuck - I'm hallucinating.
Radio 4: "A tax on Jews reached
record levels in 2009". Didn't know
there was a... Oh, attacks.
I'm bringing sexy back. And
I'm combining it with violent,
unpredictable and drunk.

The good thing about Hollyoaks is you
can miss a few episodes and the next Sorry advert man, I'm not happy
time you watch it you're still a cunt.
pronouncing Santander as Sonntun-dare.

Remember, Twitter's having a fire
drill at 11am tomorrow. Everyone
assemble outside Bebo.
The reason they keep closing the
Circle Line at weekends is they're
converting it into a Slow Hadron
Collider
40mins in and half way there, the
amusement of getting a bicycle
rickshaw from Soho to Chiswick
has completely disappeared.
Do I book Cher for my Christmas
party or a Cher tribute act? I'll
probably choose both: Cher and
Cher-alike.
Before Twitter came along I had to
spray-paint this shit onto railway
bridges.
Follow Adam at:
www.twitter.com/amateuradam

Tweets from @amateursuman
I don’t know what to do during
@amateuradam’s solo songs. Usually
I draw a cat on my lyric sheet. Today I
may tweet.

It’s acceptable to say you’re
“carrying a food baby” but not to
describe the painful, exhausting
process of “curry labour”

I can see exactly a decade into the
future with complete clarity. Damn
this 2020 vision.

All that glitters is not gold. (An
example of this is glitter)

Last night I dreamt I was eating
a huge pillow and when I woke
up my marshmallow was no wait
that’s not how it goes

#BeyonceRecommendsHorrorDVDs
- If you liked “It” then you should
put “The Ring” on
The best way to become infamous is
by starring in an infomercial.
I invented a beta-blocker & called
it “lolololol” - it’s a catchy name,
plus it’s 341 in binary.
In an attempt to make it more
appealing, Archaeology is being
rebranded as “Skullduggery”.
Just been to the dental hygienist
- I think I’ve figured out the
inspiration for “Everybody needs a
bosom for a pillow”
In the US, Sunday 3.14 is Pi Day
(whereas we celebrate it on 22/7)

See a penny, pick it up; all day long
you’ll have a dirty penny (& the fear
you’ve caught a nasty disease off it)
Met someone 3 times my size
today. Spent the time acutely
aware that, to him, I resemble a
giant chocolate bar.
The first US woman in space was
Sally Ride. This information has
completely ruined the song Mustang
Sally for me.
I’m getting Percy Jackson
confused with Harry Potter.
Schoolboy error
Going for a stroll with an Eightiestheme today. I’ll be walking like an
Egyptian, a Dinosaur and This Way.
What will happen to the IndigO2 if
it’s ever taken over by Orange?

I’ve invented a new game, a bit like
table-tennis but messier. Who wants
to play “Tam-Pong”?
Does anyone know the answer to:
“How many surgeons does it take
to change a lightbulb?” Please
don’t keep me in the dark.
Hmph! Some tracksuited dickhead
just shoulder-barged me then swore
his head off at me! (I would’ve
answered back but I didn’t have a
piano)
So NO-ONE else prefers the last 3
days of the working week? WTF?
Disappointed with my Norman
Wisdom DVD. No pratfalls - just
advice on the feudal system &
avoiding arrow injuries.
Follow Suman at:
www.twitter.com/amateursuman

Unfit to Practise – Shooting the cover
On a rainy morning in July
2008 Adam and Suman
went for a photoshoot at an
abandoned hospital in West
London due for demolition.
They’d bought an upright
piano on eBay for £1, and
they’d been to B&Q to
buy a massive hammer.
Photography and cover
design by Toby Tinsley.
Wheelchairs and zimmer
frames: hospital’s own.

How to be a bogus doctor
Over these next few pages we will teach you how to set up on your own in private
medical practice: how to fob off, rip off and strip off members of the public for your
own personal gain. Written with Mike Wozniak.

Consultation Room

Staff

The consultation room itself should be austere and intimidating.
Acquire the biggest oak desk you can find and position it in
between you and the patient. Raise your chair so you are perched
at least four inches higher than they are. This will reassure them
that they are seeing an expert and will make them less likely
to ask you searching questions. You could consider shortening
one of the legs of their chair by half an inch. This will mean they
constantly rock on the spot and are made to feel like a fucking
idiot.

The Nurse: Every year, small public schools churn out a legion
of girls who are pretty, painfully thick and entirely without useful
skills – owing to centuries of selective breeding. As a result they
have little chance of working out that your practice is, at best,
louche and ad-libbed and, at worst, plainly illegal. The nurse’s
outfit can of course be obtained from a sex-shop. If you buy it at
the same time as your stirrups you will probably save on postage.

Avoid pictures drawn by children, as this will give you the
appearance of a cock. Instead allow yourself one portrait
photograph of your attractive and fabricated family.
In the corner of the room you will require an examination couch
with stirrups. These can be obtained from any sex shop.

Scan Machine
As you can see, the Scan Machine
essentially comprises a washing machine
(cut in half), and two Li-los. Please cut the
washing machine in such a way that does
not interfere with the spinning mechanism.
As you will discover, washing machines
are almost impossible to cut in half. Your
attempt will look, at best, terrible. We
therefore recommend you cover the whole
shambles in papier-mâché. This has the
added advantage of disguising the join with
the Li-los.
A tape cassette of men hitting bin lids
together should be played during the scan
to add realism. You can tell the patient they
are having a CT scan or MRI. It doesn’t
matter. They don’t know the difference and
neither do you.

The Pharmacist: Not really optional. Should a patient present a
prescription of yours to Boots you will barely have time to take
your cyanide pill before the authorities arrive. The pharmacy
should therefore be in-house. Applicants must be able to chop
little pieces of chalk into different shapes and paint them different
colours. They should also be comfortable with a cash-in-hand noquestions-asked approach to work. We recommend Australians.

Dialysis Machine
A Dialysis Machine will be amongst the
first things you need to make. Dialysis
simply replaces the function of the
kidneys, which is to filter the blood. You
will learn about the indications later
when we discuss ‘Mesangioproliferative
Glomerulonephritis’. You will need a
needle and a length of plastic tubing, from
which to draw off the patient’s blood. In
the other arm you should place another
needle and tubing to infuse the clean
replacement fluid – milk.
Milk is the purest liquid known to man.
Ensure you infuse 1 litre of milk for every
1.2 litres of blood, as blood is thicker than
water but probably slightly thinner than
milk.
You should warn the patient that their life
expectancy on dialysis is very poor.

How to be a bogus doctor
Now you’ve made everything you need for your practice, here’s a rundown of the
common maladies you’ll need to treat, and how to pretend to treat them convincingly.

Heart Attack

Yellow Jaundice

A heart attack is basically a stitch and
should, therefore, be walked off. Tablets are
not usually required. If an individual is known
to have heart attacks all the time and without
much in the way of provocation then they
have ‘Angina’ and should be advised to eat
less salt - or more salt, depending on how
much salt they eat. ‘Angina’ should not be
confused with ‘Mangina’ which is when a
male person wedges his external genitalia
behind his legs to create the illusion that he
is female. ‘Unstable Mangina’ occurs when
Usually caused by an attack from an angry
a mangina is poorly constructed and the
swan although, in children, can be caused by
external genitalia are accidentally revealed.
falling off a swing or out of a tree. To confirm
the arm is broken see if it will bend in a place
you would not normally expect. Children will
request a plaster cast so that their friends
can draw small penises on it. By all means
indulge such children if you wish but ensure
their parents pay handsomely. Plaster casts
should be removed once there is no longer
space for new penises.

1 in 10 people at some point in their lives
will turn bright yellow. This is because of
an excess of bile and is known as yellow
jaundice. Bile is one of the four humours of
the body and is caused by sin.

Broken Arm

You will not have forgotten the enormous
inconvenience of building your dialysis
machine on the previous page. Now is the
time to use it.

Headaches
Headaches are usually caused by either
too much or too little sexual intercourse.
The patient is likely to have preformed
ideas about which category they fall into.
Headaches will resolve following the
appropriate lifestyle change.
There is one other cause for headaches – A
Brain Tumour. This is what the patient will
presume they have. You may be able to
exploit this anxiety in some by performing
a ‘Scan’. Report the scan as normal, and
interrogate them with regard to their sex life.

Mesangioproliferative
Glomerulonephritis
This literally means ‘Massive Kidney Sick’
and thankfully only 2% of people have it in
the UK at any one time. Patients present with
vomiting and massive kidneys.

Common sins leading to the accumulation of
bile include booze gluttony, heroin abuse and
intercourse with the indigenous sex industry
workers of Thailand. Simply advise your
patient to cut down on whichever bile sins
you have identified.

Anaemia
Kidney Stones
One of the functions of the kidney is the
manufacture of small stones. These are
known as kidney stones. Their usual
passage is through the urethra and into the
sewerage system, via an Armitage Shanks.
They are eventually swept into the tide, and
form shingle beaches. This is known as
shingles.

Anaemia is when the patient does not have
enough blood. The only way to accurately
gauge the degree of anaemia is to bleed
them dry and measure the extracted volume
in a calibrated porcelain bowl.
Whilst this method is extremely accurate, for
the patient it is catastrophic, and so should
never be performed. Instead, calculate the
degree of anaemia using guesswork. A blood
transfusion is the only cure.

Blood transfusion

Uncontrollable Bleeding

Blood transfusions in the wrong hands – by
which we mean your hands – can be fatal. It
is essential that the patient receives blood of
their own type. To ensure this is the case, use
blood obtained from a first-degree relative or
spouse.

The patient is bleeding uncontrollably – the
first thing to do is panic. Panic like a ginger
at a rugby club disco. But panic quickly and
get it over with. Time is not on your side.

Some patients will have no appropriate
donor. It is therefore key to establish their
blood group using this questionnaire (right).
Blood can be administered either
intravenously or orally. If blood is given
orally you should only expect the smallest
fraction to be absorbed into the circulation.
The remainder will be excreted within tarry,
black, foul-smelling stool.

First assess the type of bleeding – does it
hail from an artery or a vein? If it is projectile
and blood is hitting the ceiling, the bleeding
is from an artery. Put a finger in the hole and
turn the patient upside down. If it’s more of
a smooth, seepy, room-filling-up-like-a bath
type phenomenon, the bleeding is venous.
Place a leather belt around the patient’s
waist and do it up uncomfortably tight.
If neither of these measures work, call it quits
and leave the country.

Merchandise – amateurshop.co.uk
All for sale before/after gigs, or in our online shop. Adam and Suman
can sign stuff if you want to affect the eBay resale value.

CDs & DVDs
In Theatre – live CD
Fitness to Practice – debut studio album
Unfit to Practise – second studio album
The Black & White Menstrual Show – live DVD
All at £10.00 each