June 28, 2008

This morning Chris told me I had to be ready to leave the house by 8:30 because he had a surprise for me.

That's always a fabulous way to start a day, yes?

(To all you hubbys out there, the Answer: YES!!)

We hopped in the car at 8:30 on the dot and he drove us all over to his parent's house. We dropped Ezra off with Grandma and Grandpa and then Chris and I were on our way to Destinations: Unkown.

Chris drove me to our favorite coffee shop downtown. When I walked in, I saw our friend Joel sitting there reading a book. And then I noticed that the empty table next to Joel had been decorated with a tablecloth, flowers, and a candle.

Then! Oh, then! I looked at what was sitting on the table. My early birthday present. A Macintosh PowerBook G4 with a bow on top.

It was probably a good idea to give me such a gift in a public place. Because it squelched my innate desire to SCREECH and FLAIL. I calmly gave hugs and thanked my husband and Joel for helping him set up the romantic surprise. Then my insides imploded. The end.

This gift means so much to me because... well, because of a lot of reasons. I've been wanting the freedom of a laptop for a very long time. It's hard being tethered to one spot in the house for blogging, ebay-ing, photo editing. Also, we are trying to figure out how to convert our guest/music/office room into A NURSERY in the near future, but we didn't know what to do with our monstrous desktop computer and it's accompanying desk. Now? That's not a problem.

(BTW- anyone want to buy an eMac for $200?)

The goodness does not stop there, either.

My in-laws heard that some of our friends were driving up to Tulsa tonight to see 'The Phantom of The Opera'. So, they bought Chris and I last minute tickets for my birthday! And they will be watching Ezra overnight for us so that we can go enjoy the show tonight!

I am so, so excited about this. I've never seen The Phantom of the Opera! I hear it's a pretty good show. (Understatement of the Century?)

June 25, 2008

I have found it surprisingly difficult to say "I'm really hoping for a girl" out loud.

There appears to be an unwritten code out there telling expectant parents that hoping for one sex or another for their baby is taboo. Tacky. Bad karma.

But- shoot darn it all to heck dang! I want a girl! I do, I do! A mini me.

Does this mean I may feel a bit disappointed if we find we're having another boy? Heck yes, it might! And that's okay! Hoping for one sex or another is natural, and I believe every parent feels it to some degree or another. But bottling up these feelings of hoping for a girl won't help me out one iota in the long run. I'd rather be open and honest about these hopes now so that I can be open and honest about feeling a bit disappointed later on. I think that's a healthy place to be.

Does this mean I will not love a little boy as much as I would love a little girl? Abso-frickin-lutely not. Just give me some baby cheeks to munch on and all will be well with the world. Boy cheeks? Girl cheeks? They all have the same munch-a-bility to meeee!

monch. monch.

I would not be alive today if my mother had not desperately wanted a baby girl.

She had two boys. They'd planned to stop at two children. Yet, they decided to try one last time for the girl my mother had dreamed of having.

When I was born, my dad cried, "It's a BOY!"

My mom's heart sank a little.

Then the doctor said, "Umm, no... it's a GIRL!"

My mom's heart soared a lot.

So, I've decided to cut out the apologetic, 'oh-but-if-its-a-boy-we'll-be-just-as-thrilled' bit, and get straight to the honesty.

OF COURSE we'd love to have another boy.

OF COURSE the more important thing is the baby's health. (BTW- why do people always pull this card when someone says they are hoping for a boy or hoping for a girl? Does my saying 'I want a girl' imply that I am not as concerned as I should be with the baby's overall health? Gar!)

And OF COURSE I trust that God knows what's best for me and my family and has the exact, perfect human being (designed specifically for us!) headed our way.

These things are obvious- too obvious to require endless restating.

So, from now on, I'm saying it confidently.

I am dreaming for a girl.

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How about you? Have any of you felt it was difficult to express your desire for a girl or boy? Or do any of you feel it's tacky when an expecting parent blatantly says they are hoping for a specific sex? Why/why not?

June 23, 2008

Baby appointment was postponed. Due to INSURANCE issues. (HATE.) I will be seeing the midwives at OU on July 17th now- which was their soonest appointment available. That's ONE WHOLE MONTH later than my previously scheduled baby appointment. I will be pushing my second trimester by that point. I am so bummed about all of this, but I understand... I'd rather get all the insurance stuff squared away than have to pay $800 out of pocket for lab fees, you know?

I'm still trying to decide if I want to do a home birth with midwives, or if I want to use midwives at the birthing center at OU Medical. The most important thing to me is that I have a natural birth. Where that actually takes place is less of a priority in my mind. Now that we've been approved for the state's insurance coverage, cost isn't an issue. So... I guess I'd better just make up my mind already. Or something.

I've been feeling oodles better this week, and have not had any nausea worth mentioning in the last four days or so. I'm still craving sub sandwiches like a mo fo. And napping is my new best friend. I'm 9 weeks along already... time seems to be flying by with this pregnancy!

This past week was really full, but really good at the same time. Chris' mom, dad, and sister pulled into town on Friday with the big U-Haul truck full of Chris' parent's stuff. We unloaded it all on Saturday AM. They are officially moved in! Woo woo! Chris' sister stayed with us through Sunday and then flew back to Reno. [Sad faces.] We already miss her.

Saturday afternoon, Chris and I (and another couple) watched all the kids in our co-op from 4-7 at our house so the other parents could have a date night. There were like, 10 kids in my little house- but they all did great! Right at 7, I left and drove to a coffee shop down the road and played a show with my friend Shannon. The show was really awesome- probably my favorite show since I can remember. I even played a new song. gasp!

Things should be settling down a bit now until July 1st, which is when Ezra and I hop on a plane and visit Reno for 10 days to see family. It should be a nice little break of routine- a great chance to soak up some MoMar and Doodad time.

Ezra started swimming lessons at the YMCA last week, and he's doing so good. I'm so proud of how brave he's becoming! He's a champ. (Until his face gets wet.)

Last night, Chris and I loaded Ezra up in the car and decided to go try out Chris' father's day gift at the lake right by our house. Chris got a new fishing pole for Father's Day, and it was calling for a test drive.

It was an amazing time. No fish were caught (much to my unspoken relief) , and I got to lounge in the back of the new car- reading my book and munching on fresh cantaloupe. I could get used to this 'fishing' idea!

Can you find Ezra in this picture?

So, all in all, life is going along smoothly. I work hard everyday to care for my son and try to remember to 'sing behind the plow' as I go... to remember to find joy in the simple things in front of me rather than waste my life in expecting it around every corner.

And, every single time, I find the joy all around me when I put down my binoculars and just allow my eyes to focus on the things in my own hands.

June 15, 2008

The last few days have been a blur of nausea and napping. (Two things I generally hate, but will submit to and trudge through for the sake of the baby blip.)

blip!

I am so bummed that I did not escape from the doom of morning sickness this time around. I have yet to actually throw up... it's more of an unending sense of nausea that never goes away. Wee!

Don't wanna eat. Then suddenly famished. Then- stuff face. Then tummy feels like what's left behind after the tide goes out. And on and on.

What I've found, however, is that if I keep myself busy, I don't notice the nausea as much. But this is hard when all I want (have energy) to do is lay in my bed and drift in and out of sleep all day long.

When I was pregnant with Ezra, I was waitressing at a busy Italian Restaurant in California. I was on my feet and my mind was occupied most of the day. Also? I ate a lot of bread. Maybe all of this helped. I don't know. All I know is that I don't remember being this zapped and oogie last time.

zapped and oogie!

I have my doctor's appointment on Thursday AM. I am excited.

In other news- My feet are shrinking.

If you haven't noticed, I am determined to document this pregnancy with alacrity. This is because I have no pictures of me when I was pregnant with Ezra except for a couple that I printed out and stuck into a scrapbook (which I never finished) and which promptly got smudged and smeared when I slipped them behind the "PROTECTIVE" plastic page coverings.

Note to self: ink starts out WET.

The rest of the pictures disappeared from hard drives along the way.

I pulled out my tiny box of maternity clothes from the attic the other day and... kinda blech. I'm going to need to creatively and frugally rebuild. (Posthaste!)

Lastly- your recommendations of milk and bananas to cure my leg cramps has worked marvelously!

June 10, 2008

A completely unrelated photo of Ezra in all his awesomeness. Let's proceed!

Did you know that in America today, ONE out of every THREE births is a Cesarean Birth?

And do you even realize how SHOCKING that statistic is?

One hundred years ago, 95% of babies were born at home.

Now? It's less than 1%.

I am leaning more and more towards a home birth this go round. (Can you tell?) America has the second highest infant mortality rate in the developed world. And as far as medically assisted births? We stand alone. No other country even compares. Everyone else out there seems to understand that childbirth is a natural process- not some sort of disease that requires medical intervention.

Hospitals make lots of money of births. And they want you in and out ASAP so they can fill your bed again. If your labor gets a little too long? PITOCIN. Which then gives you unnaturally strong and frequent contractions. Which sends you scrambling for an EPIDURAL. But now you can't feel anything, so you aren't working with your body and now you need more PITOCIN to "speed things up".

And then, suddenly, the baby appears to be under 'stress', and the doctor swoops in to 'save the day'.

Pitocin is linked to a much higher likely hood of a Cesarean Birth.

See the snowball effect? Your choices are taken away before you even know what hit you.

Doctors prefer Cesareans. They are quick and can be scheduled. Instead of HOURS of a woman laboring in a hospital, they can have the baby out in 20 minutes flat.

And don't even get me started on Insurance Companies. Blech. They are dictating the way a woman's birth 'should be'. And they are getting rich.

This way of birthing is taking power away from mothers. Something happens during the labor process that will not happen at any other time of a woman's life. You hit a wall of pain. You think you can't do it, can't succeed, can't birth. And then you push through that wall, and there is an immense joy- a rush of emotions and hormones that unite you to your baby and empower you as a woman. It is a defining moment of motherhood- the girl becomes a mother, an unconquerable obstacle is defeated. The woman grows stronger.

I do not believe that birth needs to be a major medical/surgical event. Yes, there are cases where medical intervention is necessary, but those cases are few and far between, and transferring to a hospital in those instances is very viable. A trained midwife will know when it is time to go, and they will get you there quickly.

But birth? It is natural! And we women of America today have been taught that birthing is something to be feared. (Shows like TLC's 'A Baby Story' will do that for you.) Something to be numbed. Something to be treated. Something to be terrified of.

I am not terrified of birth. I was strengthened by my labor and delivery. I pushed through the wall of pain and found a stronger version of myself on the other side. Chris told me later that I 'went to a completely different place', and that I kept saying 'Jesus help me' as my body prepared to bring Ezra into the world. I remember feeling like He was in the room with me. And I remember that day as the most alive and courageous day of my entire life.

Midwifery is in crisis in this country. Their practices are shutting down left and right because they can't afford to stay in business. We are the only country that doesn't seem to care... doesn't seem to see their value.

The midwives I am considering for this birth charge $2600. For EVERYTHING. That includes all prenatal visits, lab work, the actual birth, and postnatal visits. "Natural" Hospital births START at around $10,000. Um, this is crazy.

Some women put more research into what car they want to buy than they do what birthing process they want to have. I think we need to wake up and see what is happening in this country. We need to rescue natural birthing and open our eyes to the fact that it doesn't have to be a medically dictated process.

My body was created to bring forth life, and I trust it. I want to feel my labor. To really experience the life-giving process. I believe that it is worth it.

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If you have not watched 'The Business of Being Born', you should. It is a very informative documentary about the crisis of maternal care in America. We watched it last night and I could not stop nodding my head at the screen and muttering "Yes!"s under my breath. Hunt it down and watch it- it is completely eye-opening.

I had a nice routine going this past Fall. Ezra was in school two days a week, plus we had a playgroup day, and we usually always had one other day filled with fun activities with friends as well. Since Summer started and Ezra's school ended, I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing again. I'm back to AMATEUR status. I'm with the boy allllll day everyday, which results in meltdowns and tantrums and boredom... and me feeling like a lousy mom.

I've never been good at keeping Ezra busy with planned activities. We end up bouncing off the walls all day because it's too hot to go outside. By 3:00, I'M DONE, and Summer has only just begun. I feel... worried. How am I going to pull through this season unscathed? I hate the heat, and now I have to be in 'entertain' mode all day. Add preggo hormones to that and you've got a ticking mom-bomb. Ezra simply refuses to play alone or do anything on his own all day. He follows me from room to room, asking "why dat like dat?" and the staple "what happened to me?". (This is what he asks me whenever ANYTHING happens. It's like he wants to know how everything in the world relates and affects him directly. So, like, even if a fly happens to land in the room he's sitting in, he will say, "What happened to meeeee?")

Lord, have mercy.

I'm now over 6 weeks in to this pregnancy, and I still feel extra large and in charge. I gaze down at my belly (which is now protruding farther than my BOOBS) (This either says something about my belly or my boobs, I'm not sure which at this point) and I remember how frustrated I was with my last pregnancy because it took SOOOO long for me to 'show'. I don't know what this is or what's going on here, but my belly feels like it did at 4 months (at least!) last time.

I feel GREAT- pretty much totally normal with an extra helping of hunger- and the only other thing that I've noticed is the LEG THING again. It happened when I was pregnant with Ezra, too... every time I climb into bed and am about to fall asleep, my legs start aching and knotting and twisting and I have to jump back out of bed to stretch them and move them around. Sometimes they cramp up really badly. Last night I sat by the bed and stretched for 30 minutes before they finally calmed back down. This is... annoying. But nothing major. I'd take wiggly legs over puking my guts out ANY DAY.

My first doc's appt. is June 19th. Does that feel like YEARS from now to anyone else besides me?

Chris keeps joking with me about how there might be more than one baby in there. If there is, we're going to have to take our new car back to the store and try again-- something with third row seating and room for infinity billion car seats.

Oh yeah! We bought a new car! It's a Honda Element and it's ORANGE. (pics coming tomorrow.) And you know what I've noticed? Elements are the kind of car where people in other Elements WAVE TO YOU when you pass them on the road.

THEY WAVE! How bizzare! Does this happen to any of you in your make/model of cars? Or is it only an 'Element' thing? And, should I join the waving club? Or keep my hands on the wheel?

I am a young musical mother who is trying to pin down what I know of life, parenting, grace, and the on-going battle to hear the beep! beeping! of my little heart in the midst of all the chaos. Key Players in my story: Ezra James, he's a sage old 6, Myer Elliot, the 2 year old sweetness, Truman Arthur, the oh-so-serious faced baby bean, and my husband, Chris, who could make even the hardest of hearts swoon. Thanks for reading along!