Archive for June, 2010

The Senate hearings for the newly appointed general started off very well, with the general spewing well-rehearsed answers to scripted questions. Naturally, he was extensively questioned about B.O., the B.O. incident, and body odor in general. Of course, his lack of smell impairment was weaved into every response, further punctuated by the fact that he himself smelled like he had not showered in about 2 weeks. His fragrance of dead fish floating in a sulfur spring made the point to all the senators on the panel.

But, as they probed beneath his odorous surface, the found several disturbing nuances in his background. Allegations came forth of tax fraud, soliciting prostitution, and most importantly, speaking when not spoken to. The first 2 charges were basically dismissed by the senate committee panel, deemed not critical to confirmation. “Tax law, after all, is a confusing mess of non-understandable garblety gook and ambiguous jibberish,” said one senator. It was echoed by several other senators, who at one time or another had been accused of dodging tax, when they claimed that the system they themselves devised was just too damn complicated.

And solicitation was considered by the panel to be a soft crime in Bizarreville. People such as the general are under intense pressure…fighting wars, filling out interminable bureaucratic report forms, trying to look busy, etc….a person in such a situation needs a release. And besides, as evidence presented itself, General Munkfard only offered her 50 bucks, which wouldn’t have gotten him even a toe suck.

But the last charge was a huge concern. “It’s a question of character,” the committee chairman said. “It is unconscionable that any officer, let alone a general, cannot understand this basic expectation.” A specific example was presented when Munkfard was speaking to a general 8 years ago without having filled out a request form ahead of time, or even getting verbal permission.

“He just came out and talked,” an eyewitness said. “No Form 3471-B was filled out, no Attachment 13F, none of that. I didn’t have a 3471-B with me at the time, or I would have offered it to him. I had a 3471-A, but not a “B”…doggone it…not a “B”. I tried to warn him, but he just went on talking, like he was talking to some buddy in a bar. It was shocking…shocking.”

The general still has a good chance of being confirmed by this Committee, who just needs to approve a warm body to run the stupid war. It is unlikely that the President will find another senior officer with a nose handicap, and the committee members understand this dilemma. Voting is expected by week’s end.

Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction. Sorry to those who thought this was a scoop.

The President announced that he could no longer tolerate smart-alec insubordination and disrespect in his commanding general. So he put his ass on a slow boat to Cleveland, and fired him on the spot.

The General had told Lazy Funk magazine that he didn’t care for the President’s choice of underarm deodorant. “He’s got B.O., and the cheddar cheese fragrance of the roll-on (that he apparently gets from Cracker Barrel) makes the whole Oval office smell like a 400-pound jogger,” said the General. “If he’s going to shop at the Barrel, maybe he ought to see if they have something a little less dairy.”

Even though the General has had a distinguished 35-year career, and has led the nation in defending against nasty enemies and lunatics while risking his life, the B.O. comment was just too mean, too cruel, and very inappropriate, according to the President. “The General should have just held his freaking nose like the rest of us,” an Insider said. “Maybe he could have just shot him a Ralph Lauren fragrance gift pack for Christmas, and let nature run its course.”

The General said he has had a lot of offers and looks forward to joining the private sector. Several cologne companies have allegedly made him attractive offers to be their spokesman, parlaying his notoriety as a sudden odor expert, and a solid defender of the right to not have to breathe stale air. “It’s in the Declaration…life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness…no way you’re going to be pursuing happiness in a stink pot,” he said.

The President appointed General Lucius Munkfard to the post as his replacement. Munkfard is a highly decorated officer, who coincidently lost his sense of smell in Vietnam during heavy chemical bombing many years ago. He said he can pretty much withstand any foe, whether it be enemy combatant or just pure unadulterated stink.

Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the stinky ones.

Please join our band of CPAs as they apply the final nail to assure that any form of tax simplification will be dead and remain dead. This is part 18, and the final episode in our popular Simpli-Tax cyber-drama. Enjoy—————->

And remember, it was all brought to you by Tales of Obamaland, a fun book of fables and tales, satirizing everything that is stupid. Please click on Amazon or any other e-retailer on the right to order your copy. Buy one for Dad as a belated Fathers Day present, or buy one for your son to thank him for the ugly tie he bought you. Buy one for your politically-savvy friend who needs to lighten up a bit. You will love it.

The President, in a desperate attempt to change his pansy image, attended the National Asskicker Society meeting this week. Members unanimously voted him Honorary Chief of the Society for “showing the mean angry face of a determined bully who meant business and would take no prisoners.” The President was humbled so much in this designation that the Board almost decided to take the honor away from him.

The Chairman of the Society, Elfred DeJong, officially known as the F#?%Head Supreme, said that the President has made great strides in flushing out his inherent weenyness that had made him the lapdog of the bleeding heart liberals. “But we need to see more than just a snippet or two of tough talk,” he said. “We need to see him chasing down those Washington idiots across the White House lawn and literally be kicking their asses along the chase. We want it to look like a bloody Three Stooges routine. He needs to be Moe. That’s when we’ll be truly convinced of his ability to earn the honor bestowed upon him today. We’ll be watching.”

A spokesman for the President said he is going to seriously try hard to be an A-1 Asskicker, even though it runs against all his natural instincts. He has started watching old James Cagney face-slapping movies, and some Clint Eastwood Dirty Harry movies to better learn classic jerkism. He has even considered pulling out the old strap on his kids. The President has cancelled his memberships in the Mamby Pamby Society, the Gutless Wonders Association, and the Men With Tears. “He’s committed. There will be no tear sheds around here, believe me.”

As the President left the National Asskickers Society meeting, he tripped on his shoelace and fell flat on his face. “There’s still work to do,” the President said as he brushed off his Armani suit. The Society Chairman said that they could always retract the honor if he returns to acting like a boob.

Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you’d swear are real.

Nancy Pelosi…come on down!! You are the next contestant on the Price is Fright. Whooop, whooop, whooop. Okay contestants, here we go. Johnny, what’s the next item up for bid?

Bob, the next item is….a package of 100 fresh new jobs!!!! These are not just any jobs. They are jobs for people with no skill whatsoever. From Slob Mart, your source for thumb-twiddling that keeps people busy…but not too busy. Nancy?

I’ll bid $100 billion.

Wow, Nancy, that’s about $ 1 million per worker. Remember this is just wheel-spinning type work, not brain surgery. Harry?

One dollar for 100 jobs?? Are you just plain nuts, are you smoking dope, are you a babbling nincompoo…..ooops, never mind. Okay, one dollar. Barack?

It’s not as simple as just bidding for jobs at some arbitrary price. It’s about the impact this type of job creation will do to the overall national economy. These 100 jobs will be a catalyst to spark job creation on a broad scale, across each and every industry, from autos to computer information systems, from high-end consulting to low-end toilet cleaning. And how do you measure the value of creating these jobs? You can’t ….

Thank you. Retail price….$62 billion!! Barack, you got the number precisely on the dot. How did you ever do that?

It’s easy, Bob. He’s the one who makes up the friggin’ numbers. He pulls the number out of thin air, and pooof, it’s a done deal. If he would have said $200 billion, the answer you would have shouted would have been $200 billion. Are you that naive?

Harry, it sounds like there is a little resentment building there in your craw. Am I right? A little jealousy going on between you and the big guy? Are you getting your little snoot in a wrinkle?

No, Bob. I don’t care if he always wins. I mean we’re all winners when we dump $62 billion to create jobs in the important “unskilled” element of the labor force…the guys who can’t walk and chew gum…the poor fellows who add zero value to our national productivity. We know that if the government doesn’t do it, no one will. Certainly the private sector won’t do its civic duty by offering these poor deadbeat souls a job. No, Bob, I’m happy and proud to be playing the game, and frankly can’t wait for the next item up for bid.

(Buzzzzzz). I’m sorry, but we’re out of time for today. But please join us tomorrow, when our contestants will be bidding on a research study to evaluate the consistency of hedgehog bowel movements. Until then, good night friends.

Members of Congress were invited down to the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. Most members had thought that the purpose of the trip was to make a full assessment of the crisis, so they could report back to their constituents that solid action steps were underway to correct the problem. Turns out, that was half right.

The full truth was that they were going down to actually be part of the solution. A prestigious Bizarreville engineering firm, Shmedlock Partners LLC, came up with an ingenious soluton to stop the leaking oil. They determined that if they could harness a high volume of excessively hot air, channel it into the broken pipeline through a specially designed nozzle, they could boil the oil, turning it into a gas. Then with a separate pipeline under vacuum and a separator, they could extract the petroleum in gas-form, evaporate it on the ship, and load it onto an oil tanker.

The challenge, of course, was where to find a sufficient source of very hot air to make the process work. That’s when young engineer, Jimbo Milkfard, suggested using Congress. Principals in the engineering firm were surprised and excited about the brilliance in this young man’s elegant, simple solution to such a complex problem.

“The combination of the warm, humid ambient air and the high-volume of hot air coming out of legislator pie-holes is more than enough to boil the oil,” said Milkfard who had just completed the energy calculations. “We may have to keep them on the mother ship for a few weeks until the situation stabilizes…may have to keep them there indefinitely.”

Preliminary polls taken of public reaction show overwhelming support of this idea. “It’s a tradeoff,” said one anonymous citizen. “One one hand, you have a solution that will clearly protect the environment, saving millions of birds and fish, and protecting vulnerable sea shores from long-term devastation. On the other hand, we could have these blowhards stay in the Capital discovering and implementing new ways to waste our money. Hmmmm…tough choice.”

Some congress people have belly-ached about this not-quite-voluntary effort to actually do something about the crisis, saying that they have lots of paperwork and other work to do. The military has been brought in to help escort the feet-draggers down to the Gulf coast, and load them onto the boat. One freshman congressman argued that he hadn’t been in congress long enough to develop a strong source of hot air. But he was put on the boat anyway. “Every BTU helps,” said the boat captain.

Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you wish were true.

The Bizarreville government has just proclaimed that officially accredited journalists have carte blanche rights to stalk the victims of their stories. This ruling came on the heels of the flap over reporter/author Joe McGinniss moving into a house next to Sarah Palin in order to gather material to write an upcoming book, Sarah’s Alaskan Secrets.

“Journalists need to be able to research their stories,” said Phillip Smellburn, a government spokesman. “And there’s no better way that we’ve found than good old-fashioned stalking.” The spokesman pointed to new stalkological advances in binocular resolution, digital video compression, parabolic dish sound capturing, an discreet audio filtering that helps even relatively inexperienced stalkers stalk like crusty old pros. The captured information with new equipment is so much juicier than the dribs and drabs uncovered with the old equipment, and this ultimately makes for a more tangy story that people will actually want to read.

And this was a key reason for the ruling. Smellburn noted that fewer and fewer people are taking time to read news stories, investigative articles, or books for that matter. People say that it’s all too darn boring. Newspaper subscripations, magazine subscriptions, and book sales have correspondingly plummeted. By making stories full of scathing pieces, risque vignettes, and snippets of uncouth quotations that can be trimmed out of context, readers will flock to the stories, and help rebuild lost readership. “And keeping people’s reading skills high is good for Bizarreville.”

Critics have been outraged and appalled by this ruling as “unconscionable in any kind of civilized society”. But Smellburn is quick to point out that “things aren’t all that civilized anymore. What’s your point?”

Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem so real.

The White House just announced plans to change suppliers of their official hand-wringing towels. They claim that the current supplier has failed to deliver a consistent quality product that can hold up to the demands of their intense users.

A White House spokesman indicated that the previous towels provided by Waaah Waaah Inc literally turned into shreds during the current BP oil spill crisis. “They just were not up to the task,” the spokesman said. “We had a group of 10 of us in the Oval Office wimpering, crying, and wringing the snot out of those towels. 9 out of 10 basically disintegrated, turning into a mangled mess of sloppy thread. The 10th was used by a staffer who apparently dozed off during the meeting.”

Waaah Waaah has said that they never warrantied their product line for this enormous level of wringing that the towels recently were subjected to. They said that they would have normally expected the Chief Executive to stop crying, and start doing something at this stage of the crisis, as all his predecessors would have done by now. “This Chief has just thrown us for a loop,” said Frank Waaah, CEO of the company. “It appears we are in a new age of fret, that may require us to totally rethink how our product line is designed.”

The new supplier, Boohooski Wet Mops Inc., promised to deliver hand-wringers made out of heavy-duty denim with kevlar wire reinforcement. They say that their towels are strictly made for wringing, and caution the texture is much too rough for facial skin contact. They claim that they will guarantee the steady performance of their Max Wring Whinecloths for either the entire length of the BP oil spill crisis, or 2 years, whichever comes first.

Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you would swear are real.

Click over to the Simpli-Tax saga, as the story heads down the home stretch, and the momentum favors our courageous CPA’s out to kill any form of tax simplification. And also don’t forget to click on Tales Of Obamaland, for more satire from the world of Bizarreville. —————>