Tag: satire

If you haven’t read the first Rothgar story already, you should go do that first.

—

Rothgar stood before the king and queen, attempting to look like he was listening intently. Rothgar scratched his side surreptitiously, the woolen cloak he had been forced to cover himself with was itchy. For some reason, the king didn’t want Rothgar standing there with his chest bare. Possibly because the queen was 30 years younger than the king and had a glint in her eye.

Rothgar wasn’t interested. It was always the same. Sleep with the queen and get run out of the kingdom. It just wasn’t worth it.

The king droned on, “…and the orcs seem to be organized. What do you think, Rothgar?”

“That’s what I was saying,” the king said in an irritated fashion. Rothgar didn’t care.

“Perhaps, my liege, Rothgar was implying that there was someone of a race smarter than an orc, probably someone quite smart. Some brilliant fiend come to take over the kingdom.”

That was the king’s sage, Kline. He stood beside the throne leaning on an intricately carved staff. Rothgar was glad the sage was here, it would make this easier.

“Well, he don’t have to be smart,” Rothgar said. “Just smarter than a orc. Maybe do a few simple magic tricks. Like, make a fire or something. Not real magic. A person that could do that, why would he need orcs?”

The king seemed to consider Rothgar’s words. “Kline has told me rumors of dark magics being performed around the countryside, haven’t you, Kline?”

“Oh yes, my king. Good heavens, we’ve heard about so many powerful works. This wizard must have great powers you know, oh my yes. It really is quite foolish to think this barbarian will be able to root him out, my liege.”

“Possibly, but we will give him a chance if he will accept this righteous quest. I’ve heard many tales of Rothgar’s adventures.” The king slid his throne a bit so it was closer to the queen’s and eyed Rothgar warily.

“I’ll need full freedom, sir. Permission to kill anyone without a trial. Especially the wizard. He’ll be too powerful to jail.”

Kline seemed a bit taken aback and asked, “Are we not a land of laws, your kingliness? You would trust this berserker?”

“Rothgar who took down the banshee queen? Rothgar who traveled through the nineteen hells? Rothgar who defeated a dragon without getting up from his breakfast? Yes, I believe he can get the job done.” The king shuffled his throne even farther over until it was actually in front of the queen’s throne. “Yes, Rothgar. You have full permission to do what needs to be done.”

Rothgar dropped the woolen cloak with a flourish, revealing his loincloth, his greatsword, and very little else.

The sage collapsed to the floor, his severed neck spewing blood everywhere.

Ulsidar, Rothgar’s mighty sword, quivered in the wall behind his falling body. The queen gasped, but Rothgar thought it might have had something to do with his state of dress rather than the gore.

The king was apoplectic, his face red and his fists clenched. “Guards!” he shouted.

But the guards were wary. Everyone knew the tales of Rothgar. They entered the room slowly, hoping that someone else would be the first to act.

None made the mistake of drawing a weapon.

“Go ahead and lock me up,” Rothgar said, pulling Ulsidar out of the wall. He examined the blade carefully, then flipped it so that the handle was pointed outwards. “I could use a safe place to sleep for a while. You can let me out when the orcs disperse.”

The guards visibly relaxed but still none of them stepped forward.

The king stood up from his throne, “But how do you know it was Kline?!”

Rothgar shook his head, “You heard the same thing as me, right? He was bragging. I could go out and do the whole business. Kill some orcs. Bash some heads. Torture a few. Stay at the local inn. Sleep with a few barmaids. Get kidnapped in the night. Wake up tied to a chair with Kline standing in front of me in the blackest robe he could find, probably with a few skulls on and mystical symbols. Then I snap the ropes, steal some trash orc blade and kill the lot.

“Or I could do it this way. It saves a lot of time. Sages and mystics, mark my word. They’re all the same. It’s boring as hell, honestly.”

The king seemed to calm down some but said, “We will see. If the orcs disperse, you have my word we will release you.”

Rothgar said, “Good. And could someone sharpen Ulsidar? I think I chipped the blade.”

Like this:

Rothgar picked his teeth with the bone. Then he munched the bone like an owl with a Tootsie Roll pop, leaving his teeth still filled with meat and adding bone fragments to the mix. Heroes didn’t need clean teeth. Women tend to look past your flaws when you save them from being eaten and raped by a crocodile god, and any hero that lived long enough to suffer from tooth decay wasn’t doing much heroing anyway.

It was a dangerous life, though not without its rewards.

Rothgar was growing tired of it. The killing, looting, and pillaging were fun, but he felt like it wasn’t what he wanted to be doing with his life.

Oh sure he could have a different woman every night, but where was the emotional connection? Where was the love? It’s not like the women were great either. Half the time they had bad breath, made strange noises, or had fur in all sorts of strange places.

He faced the looming tower.

It was always towers. There would be traps and monsters of course. Probably a couple of chests of gold and a few scattered magic items. But once you’ve beaten the curse and defeated the villain and saved the girl they were pretty much all the same.

The townsfolk needed him of course, or they would keep transforming into were-goats every time it rained. At least as goats they didn’t do anything too crazy like eat each other or carry off any livestock. The worst trouble was when they woke up, realized they were fornicating the wrong person but neither party wanted to stop. A lot of upset husbands and wives. A couple of rose bushes eaten. As evil curses went it was pretty mild.

He busted in the door with his sword, Ulsidar the Orc Fucker. It was best not to ask how it got that name. It was a mighty sword, standing as tall as a man, covered in spikes and stained with the blood of countless foes and orifices.

Rothgar leaped over the pit of spikes, avoided the trapped floor plate, beheaded the half-dragon half-yeti hybrid monster, and bounded up the stairs. It was the same thing day after day after day.

He sighed as he sidestepped the boulder trap and solved the riddle of the two doors. Or more accurately, Ulsidar did.

Rothgar the magnificent. Rothgar the worldslayer-slayer. Rothgar the bored.

“Finally,” a feminine voice said as Rothgar swung across the pit of eternal flames.

“Don’t worry ma’am I’m here to save y-” Rothgar cut himself off as he realized this was no damsel in distress. The room only had one occupant, and Rothgar wasn’t sure if he should be aroused or disgusted. He had seen similar creatures of course, but this one struck a chord.

She had a nude body beyond any he had seen in all his many adventures, but the head of a goat. And not some artistic goat that looked girlish enough that you could be excused if you developed a crush on it. No this was a goat’s goat. With horns. And a beard nearly as manly as Rothgar’s.

He wasn’t entirely certain what to say. Or where to look. After a moment’s hesitation, he went with the vague, “I’ve come to break the curse.”

“It’s not really a curse. Today it’s a blessing,” the goat woman said with a smile on her face.

Ah. So it was one of those. Crazy. Couldn’t be reasoned with. Probably wanted to turn the whole world into goats or something.

“I’ve just had a long week, honestly. Tracked down some bandits, stopped an old man from poisoning a towns water supply, and then had to help a town build defenses to ward off an attack by an elemental army. And now this. Another crazy in another tower trying to take over the world with some strange curse that really doesn’t make any sense.”

“Oh, that sounds dreadful. I’m so sorry,” she said sincerely. “But I’m not crazy. Just lonely. I’m not trying to conquer anything. I found a magic genie and this is my wish. I wished that there was a way for me to find a man who would love me for me, not because of my looks. But that he would still find me attractive. It took the genie ages to figure out what to do, but this is the end result.”

“The end result is you’ve cursed a town to become were-goats,” Rothgar said. He could kill her now, but that’s not how these things went. You had to talk. You had to figure out how to break the curse.

“I’m really sorry about that, but it’s just part of the whole thing. I’m no genie, I don’t understand it really. It will all keep happening until my one true love makes it through the tower, that’s what the genie said.” She put her hand on his harness covered chest.

“Oh. So you think I’m your own true love? Is that exactly what the genie said?” Rothgar asked. He didn’t brush her hand away. It did feel sort of nice.

“The genie said ‘The curse will be broken when your hero comes’.”

“I hate prophecies. Always so vague. You sure you told the genie ‘that there was a way’.”

“Yes, why?”

“Genies. Can’t always trust ‘em. You didn’t wish for true love. Just that there was a way. Hell, the genie probably didn’t even have to do anything. There was always a way that could have happened. Instead, he gave you a goat head for fun. Still….maybe.”

He considered her words and the barely veiled offer her hand was giving him as it moved lower on his torso.

Life was getting stale.

And there was something about her. Her supple form. Her warm skin.

He looked into the goat eyes.

Ulsidar made quick work of her neck.

Goat flesh and human flesh separated amidst a rain of blood and gore. He half expected a human head to magically appear, but instead, her lifeless body collapsed to the floor, slid a bit in the pool of ichor and fell into the pit of eternal flame.

Curse broken.

He kicked open a locked chest and found it filled with gold. Would have been nice if she grew a human head he guessed, but she might have still fell in the pit.

Sometimes you just had to accept the life you were given and make the best of it. He’d be able to drink himself into a stupor for a month on his haul. Better than screwing a goat woman.

Like this:

Authors note – I haven’t posted a short story in a while. I’ve been writing though. I’m working on a novel. But I’ve decided to try to write some short stories or whatever in the meantime. This is clearly, slightly based on Qanon. It’s just a little thing that I wrote for fun, don’t expect anything out of it.

—

Brandon brushed his still mostly full bottle of “Brain Boner” supplements to the side and stared at the computer screen. The supplements hadn’t stiffened up his thoughts as promised, but they had stiffed him out of most of a paycheck. He would never admit that though.

His desk was junked up with vitamins and self-help books promising to teach him how to “own the libs” and how to “treat women like shit and become irresistible.”

He read the words on the screen again:

Fancy cakes and avocado dreams 11.01.12

It had to mean something. It always meant something. It never failed.

If you could figure out the right meaning, the words were never wrong.

The words appeared anonymously online. Of course, the writer couldn’t reveal themselves. They knew too much. If they revealed their true identity they might be arrested or they could become tabloid fodder.

Maybe the numbers were a date. Maybe it was coordinates of some kind. Maybe it was part of an IP address.

What were fancy cakes? Avocado dreams?

Brandon wasn’t sure. But he began brainstorming possibilities.

Hostess is revealing a new guacamole twinkie

Chipotle is secretly a part of a cabal that keeps terrorists fed

FCAD – federal child abuse department. It didn’t seem to exist but maybe it was a secret organization founded on that day to stop the pedophiles.

He looked at news from that day in history.

November 1st, 2012 a fuel truck crashed in Saudi Arabia. What if it was to drive up fuel prices? Biodiesel can be produced from avocado oil. What if big avocado was trying to destroy the fossil fuel industry.

If avocado was used to produce fuel, avocado prices would go up thus increasing the price of avocado toast even more.