Hit The Nadir? Watch Russian Slap Fighting

We're about to reach quantum levels of boredom, so I wanted to share with you something I've recently discovered that I think you'll all love. It's called Russian Slap Fighting or, at least, I think that's what it's called. The sport doesn't seem to have an official name, but that's probably because we don't yet possess the nomenclature to adequately describe the sheer awesomeness of two burly men standing across a table and slapping each other into kingdom come. Here's a taste so you can see what I mean (Just watch the first bout. I promise you'll want to come back for more):

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Did you see the biceps on that first guy? He looks like Popeye after shotgunning a cocktail of creamed spinach and bear steroids. And he lost! You can't help but be amazed as you watch back on the "NOBTOP" as this man's cheek practically explodes away from his face.

Now I'm not normally the violence-seeking type. MMA isn't my bag, and I had to hide in a blanket during a significant portion of John Wick, but this ... this is something beyond violence. Watching slap fighting is experiencing pleasure, sadness, fear, hilarity, and shock all at once. It's the umami of emotion and it is beautiful. Let's watch the next 10 seconds of this clip.

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There are so many things I love about this video. It starts off with a man in a scarf putting his arms behind his back, with the slightest hint of a cocky smirk on his face. He thinks he knows slapping -- It's a game between school children, or the thing women do to his face when he asks them out. He's prepared for this moment. Then, with a gloriously crushing slap from behemoth Vasily Kamotsky, the man in the scarf is sent directly to the shadow realm. All of this happens in five seconds before the camera throws to a new cocky challenger getting his cheek prepped by medical staff, and then finally throwing to what appears to be an advertisement for protein powder. It couldn't be more quintessentially Russian and that's part of what makes it incredible.

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Not to be outdone, Americans are also getting in on the slaps.

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Here we have Big Frank vs Zeus, two mountains of men in a battle of endurance, as they slap each other until their cheeks turn into certified Angus beef. Now, I personally prefer the Russian style of Competitive Slapping as there seems to be more variation in technique and having a bunch of Russian men screaming in a language I don't understand is the type of ambiance I believe this art form deserves. However, both regions have their merit and I'm willing to watch these modern-day goliaths dole out five-fingered justice in whatever form they are willing to broadcast.