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11.28.2012

Today I am thinking about change. I thrive off of change and I know it is
inevitable but I know that I also have a strong resistance to it. When things are stagnant and repetitive I am
not happy. I am uncomfortable and bored
with life. But when things change I can’t
help but notice my strong resistance.

Change brings up personal questions for me; such as have I
used the time that has passed wisely? Did I accomplish all that I had hoped and planned? Have I spent time doing
things that are worthwhile, that will make a difference and propel me in the
right direction in life?

I find that I am rarely satisfied with what I have
done. I don’t know if this is a blessing
or a curse. I think it’s a blessing
because it encourages me to move forward and want to experience new things and
become a better person. I think it’s a
curse because rarely do I revel in my accomplishments or enjoy what I am
currently experiencing.

When I look back on my life and past memories, there are
always more good memories then bad. My
memories have been retouched like a photo, now they are a little hazy and look
way better then the original experience, they are romanticized. This keeps me longing for the perfect past
that once was or the possible future that could be.

The future, an endless abyss of possibility, I find it
overwhelming. I’m tortured with thoughts
that anything I choose may be the wrong thing because I will miss out on
something else, something that is better, something with greater
potential. In reality this will always
be the case. There will always be
something better and something worse then whatever experience I choose. The question is how to make a choice and be
content without constantly feeling like I am settling.

The only way may be to appreciate the present. For me this is a daily exercise, I have to
remind myself every day to find the best things about my day, otherwise I live
in constant state of longing for a moment other then now.

I’m sure these are thoughts all of us have. I think I am so accepting and so ready to
embrace change and then I see my resistance. I look at the leaves changing outside; fall is my favorite time of
year. I want everything to stay as it
is, but of course it does not. I woke up
this morning to almost all of red the leaves missing from the tree in my backyard. I don’t want them to be gone, after all, there
were photos I needed to take, times I needed to enjoy in my yard but it’s all
gone now (at least for another year).

That’s when I see a glimmer of hope and excitement, what
will come next, winter is on the way, and I think of all the things I love about
winter, the holidays, the food, spending time with family. Then there is spring when I generally travel;
I can’t wait to go on another trip.

So I sit here looking at my holiday lights and the bare tree
in my yard and focus on all the things that are beautiful about today, even if
I am sad about the past and can’t wait for the future. Today is all that is guaranteed, it’s such a
strange concept that I need to remind myself of every day.