Author
Topic: Asking to use a friend's toilet and being refused (Read 22730 times)

Hmm. I can't see a circumstance where I'd ever refuse to let a friend in my house, bu nor would I end a friendship over it. I can think of lots of different things that could've happened. Usually I am not in favour of excusing rude people with all kinds of 'well, maybe she has a disorder' possibilities, but in this case...well, to me it is just as unlikely that the friend is simply a rude person who won't let a friend use the washroom than that it's something a little different.

I have pretty bad anxiety at times, and while it's not about this issue in particular, it actually would make sense to me the friend might have a bit of a freakout/panic moment and not be able to properly explain what's going on, if it's something like a rather gross mess in the bathroom. I do think she should try to explain better, later on, if possible.

But to me, there are so many different variables that in an otherwise good friendship with someone who isn't otherwise selfish or rude, I would let it go.

I have a friend that I meet only out and about. Honestly, I have seen her home and I wouldn't eat there or use her bathroom. It could have been one of those places only the OP's friend knows this about herself. My friend on the other hand just thought her place was a tad messy.

Not true in this case--the OP has been in the home about a month ago.

Of course a house can get really messy in a month, but not to hoarding standards yet.

If you had quoted the rest of my post, you would have also seen that I would trust in my friend's judgment and need for privacy whatever the reason may be. And if that dirty that they don't want to "inflict" that on me, I would appreciate it. Not that I am a wilting flower that faints at messiness. But I am not going to be so offended at being denied and would respect my friend's wish.

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If someone were cycling to my place to get me to go out cycling together, I'd probably assume that person might want to come in and use the washroom, so I'd be prepared and get it presentable just in case (if it wasn't already) or I'd arrange to meet them somewhere far enough away that they wouldn't ask to use my bathroom.

I'd never send a friend away to a coffee shop to use a bathroom, when they were RIGHT at my door.

I think the OP's friend was rude, but not rude enough to end the friendship. Maybe she was having a "my house looks like a tornado went through it" day and just felt embarrassed. We may never know.

The funniest story I have is the time my mother was dropping off something at my house and asked to use the bathroom. I said "Sure, but DH is going fishing in the morning so don't mind the minnows in the bathtub". The look on her face was priceless.

Perhaps there was something embarassing in the bathroom. I can't imagine refusing a bathroom to a friend let alone a pregnant woman with the bladder the size of a thimble, but perhaps she has good reason but just can't say why. Some people are also germaphobes to the extreme.

Eh. I think I would personally be more embarrassed to tell someone "No, you can't pee here" than to have them see a mess, unless we're talking like...hoarder level disaster. But if I knew a pregnant friend was coming over that day I'd clean the house up before she got there and kind of assume the use of the bathroom would be required. So I'm imagining a situation where the state of the house was too far gone to fix with a 20 minutes tidy session.

If I continued the friendship, I wouldn't be too anxious to return to her house again for any reason. Yes, she had the right to refuse to allow the OP to take care of a very basic need. But I would be uncomfortable around someone so inhospitable.

As long as I had a working restroom, I would not be able to refuse to allow my friend to use it if needed--especially if the friend is pregnant or has medical conditions that may make them need to use it more often than others. My friend's physical comfort would be more important to me than my possible embarrassment.

I do feel the friend should have been prepared for OP to use the bathroom either before or after the bicycle trip. If you are using your house as a meeting spot or somebody is picking you up/dropping you off, I feel you should be prepared for somebody to make a bathroom visit (barring some of the unusual circumstances mentioned earlier in the thread). If you don't want people in the house/bathroom for any reason, you should simply meet the person at a third location.

If I was in the OP's shoes, I would have been annoyed and felt a bit put out, but would have gotten over it. The OP did offer to use the coffee shop restroom and OP didn't indicate it was an emergency restroom visit. If the OP came, asked to use the restroom, and was desperate, and friend refused, I would be angry and re-evaluate the friendship.

I do agree with others that I can easily overlook a messy home, a lack of hospitality would be much harder to overlook. If the OP wants to meet her friend biking again, maybe it would be better to just meet at the coffee shop. I wouldn't feel comfortable meeting at her place if I wasn't sure if I would have access to a restroom.

One reason I suggested someone might be there who friend did not want OP to see:

I once stopped by a relativeís house (she knew I was coming) to quickly pick up something and I thought it odd that she didnít say come in. She was obviously uncomfortable and nervous, and she had the item and handed it to me quickly. Much later I found out someone was visiting (I hadnít seen the car) who relative always spoke very negatively about and only the day before swore she wanted nothing to do with the person. Odd.

Also maybe, as someone suggested, friend was having a rendezvous.

Regardless, I would feel uncomfortable about going to her house again.

I do feel the friend should have been prepared for OP to use the bathroom either before or after the bicycle trip. If you are using your house as a meeting spot or somebody is picking you up/dropping you off, I feel you should be prepared for somebody to make a bathroom visit (barring some of the unusual circumstances mentioned earlier in the thread). If you don't want people in the house/bathroom for any reason, you should simply meet the person at a third location.

If I was in the OP's shoes, I would have been annoyed and felt a bit put out, but would have gotten over it. The OP did offer to use the coffee shop restroom and OP didn't indicate it was an emergency restroom visit. If the OP came, asked to use the restroom, and was desperate, and friend refused, I would be angry and re-evaluate the friendship.

I do agree with others that I can easily overlook a messy home, a lack of hospitality would be much harder to overlook. If the OP wants to meet her friend biking again, maybe it would be better to just meet at the coffee shop. I wouldn't feel comfortable meeting at her place if I wasn't sure if I would have access to a restroom.

I agree with this, especially the bolded. It just doesn't seem like the fact that your pregnant friend would want to use your bathroom before or after a bike trip would be that surprising.

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