just like Moby Dick, but shorter and less whale-oriented.

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“Downton Abbey” Could Use Some More Excitement

My house is full of “Downton Abbey”. Everywhere I go tonight, all I hear are British accents cascading from my TV, vaguely referencing things that at some point have happened in their home.

I have no attention span, so this show is not a show for me. My wife has insisted that I would appreciate it, but every time I attempt to watch it with her, I notice something shiny nearby and forget that my TV is even on. In an effort to help people like me enjoy more cultured fare like “Downton Abbey”, I have crafted a few episode ideas. The good people at ITV and PBS can thank me now.

-A masked man breaks into Downton Abbey. One by one, he begins to take out members of the house. Finally, when encountering the Dowager Countess of Grantham, it is revealed that it is not a real man, but the ghost of a previous staff member who died in freak tea accident. The countess, though, is far too dour for him and his ghostly powers are vanquished from the house.

-Ernest Hemingway, played by Jonah Hill, arrives in the Abbey as a guest. He convinces the other aristocrats to indulge in Absinthe with him, leading to many antics. The fun of the evening ends, though, when Charles Carson dives off of the roof while shouting, “The birds! They taunt me so!”

-While everyone assumed that Matthew Crawley died in a car wreck at the end of season three, it is revealed that not only did he not die, but he received a highly experimental surgery and has survived. This surgery makes him technically 70% machine which causes the other aristocrats to look down on him. Outraged, he begins to attack using his new built-in-flame throwers. This being the 1920’s, though, Matthew is powered by steam. With no one to load new wood into his boiler, the attack is very short.

-A flashback to the 1899 New Year’s Eve party that was held in Downton Abbey. The cast expresses concerns about the upcoming century, worried about what will become of the Abbey. Robert Crawley, in a drunken stupor, will only talk about how his Great Great Great Great Great uncle, the Earl of Sandwich, was the inventor of the sandwich. The catch phrase from this episode: “Shut up Robert. No one cares about sandwiches.”

-On a very special episode of “Downton Abbey”, it is revealed that Lady Edith Crawley is addicted to morphine. The aristocrats attempt to hold an intervention, explaining how worried they are about Edith Crawley. They call in a physician, played by Dr. Phil, to explain how this is affecting those around them. The intervention is cut short, though, when Charles Carson again dives off of the roof, shouting, “Seriously! Does no one else hear these birds’ derision?!”

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