Nonviolent Communication Family Coaching & Parent Education

Correcting Your Child Through Connection: 10 Tips

The difference between connecting to our children and correcting our children, is the same as the difference between “I am here and you are there”, to “we are in this together”.

In a previously published article I discussed connection and correction from the point of view of connection to our children, in terms of how we can connect and why should we connect. This time, I’d like to concentrate on the notion of correction – why we do it, where it comes from, what it actually causes, and what we can do instead.

When do We Stop Connecting and Start Correcting?

Until our little ones are approximately 1 year old, 100% of our communication with them meets our mutual needs for connection, because, let’s be honest – there isn’t a real need for anything else. They don’t yet talk, or walk, or do anything that might sabotage our needs (except for that sleeping thing, but oh well). We tell them about the world, about ourselves, about them, everything we say has to do with love.

But then – they become active. They become mobile. They become verbal. And our language changes in a heartbeat. No. Don’t. Stop. Don’t touch that. Don’t go there. This isn’t for you. You’re too small to do that. You can’t get there. Not now. No. No. No. The problem is, that babies and toddlers don’t differentiate between themselves to their actions, that is how attuned they are to their needs and feelings. They need, they feel, they act. When we say “no” – we negate the very core of their being. This is the extent to which “no” affects them. This is as early as all of us are (unwillingly) pulled into the social paradigm of “okay-not okay”. And we constantly want to be “okay” for the ones we are attached to, because otherwise – their attachment to us is threatened.

I read somewhere that after the age of one, 90% of what children hear from their parents is negative. What a contrast to a 100% of love, isn’t it?

The Nature of Correction

The premise to correction is the idea of “right” and “wrong”; however, it holds another premise according to which “I know better than you and it is my job to teach you how to be better”. Nonviolent Communication teaches us that right and wrong don’t really exist, and they definitely should not exist when the price we pay for them is the price of relationship.

When we correct a child, what we are really telling her are the following statements:

Why do We Feel We Need to Correct Our Children?

The answer to this is both simple and sad: it is because we were, ourselves, taught that being a grown up means we know better than anyone who younger. It is because we were taught that as parents, our job is to “fix”; following this, we see most things as “broken”.

I once met an amazing mother whose son had an incredible ability – whenever he’d approach a puzzle, he would spread out the pieces all over the flower, stand in the middle of all it and look at it from above. After a few minutes he’d kneel down and just put all pieces in their right place. When they first saw him do that, they felt it was wrong. “This is not the right way to solve a puzzle” they said. they wanted to help him, they wanted to correct his approach. Thank God he didn’t listen. Can you imagine what an incredible ability he might have lost?

Not everything that is done differently, needs to be done the way we do it.

The Cost of Correcting a Child

I wrote about it in a previous article on how to build a strong attachment, but this story fits here perfectly. When I was little, I had a short phase (soon you’ll see why) in which I really wanted to help my mother, so I started hanging the laundry out to dry. Not once, did I do a good enough job. The socks weren’t properly straightened out, the shirts weren’t shaken out to a pleasing extent, and whatnot. Guess what – not only that I stopped with the laundry as a way of help my mom, but additionally – this is a chore I dislike until this very day.

Believing she is teaching me useful skills, she corrected and corrected until the point there was nothing left to correct, because the little me decided that if she is the only one who does it right, she might as well do it herself.

Attachment through Sameness

Although not taken from Nonviolent Communication but from the Attachment Theory, sameness is one of the six ways in which children connect, it is an existential need (!) without which we wouldn’t survive. Sameness is the reason for which we learn how to talk, and how to walk. It is the reason for which we mimic what we see our parents doing, it the reason for which modeling, rather than correcting is the best thing we can possibly do for our children.

When we correct – we distance. When we are correct, it is as if we say “you are not like me, here is how you can be more like me”. Instead of “you are not like me and this is wonderful – show me how I can be more like you” or “this is awesome! Let’s see if we can do it even better together!”.

Children Need Constant Correction

No. They don’t. What children do need is constant connection. Connection is the best, if not only, positive source of motivation and it is, most definitely, the best reason to do things in this world. When we operate out of love, out of our inherent need to make ourselves and those around us happy, our actions are devoted to just that – making everyone happy.

When we operate out of fear, guilt, or shame – we meet the need of our loved ones in distance, growing resentment, anger, and frustration. This always comes with a price, because like all beneficial needs and feelings – painful needs and feelings need to surface, too.

So how Can You Correct a Child?

When we feel the need to “correct” our children – one of three things are actually happening:

Our little one had lost connection and doesn’t know how to regain it; she is acting out of a connection void

Our little one just did something in order to meet her own needs – and we don’t think this is something she should be doing.

Our little one did something to meet our needs, but it didn’t quite work out

Correcting the Lost Connection

In the first scenario (which is a typical “terrible two” kind of thing), connection is the first and only beneficial response. Validation of feelings, offering of compassion and empathy, a place to vent or a place to cuddle. Whatever those little ones need to know that they are loved EVEN WHEN their behaviour is not accepted, EVEN WHEN they are harder to be around. The more we practice this sort of responses, the less hard feelings our little ones will feel. Anger, resentment, and frustration are all wake up calls for unmet needs – the more emotional needs we meet – the less these feelings will control our lives and relationships.

Correcting Actions Meant to Meet Child’s Needs

The second scenario, which starts as early as those little ones start doing things, and never really ends, has a million connecting options that will also, as by product, lead to “correction” of behavior:

She’s trying to reach something she cannot touch? “Wow you’re so persistent! Here, you can have this”

She’s trying go somewhere she can’t go? “Oh my! You are so fast! Let’s run in that direction and see who get there first!”

Correcting Actions Meant to Meet Your Needs

And for the third scenario it is very simple: never ever correct.

Making their loved ones happy is an existential need that we all, as parents, want to preserve in our children. And our children are constantly trying to make us happy – everything they do they do to meet their needs, and our happiness is their need.

I’ll give you an example: as soon as my little one started walking, bring his dad and me water was one of his favorite things, god knows why 🙂 In the first months, by the time he had gotten to any one of us with a glass of water, water was all over the house and there was nothing left in the glass.

So what? It is not about the result – it is about the intention. Today it is enough for me to quietly mutter that I’m thirsty and 3 second later I get a toddler who is thrilled he could help his mother out. From the very first day we made him feel capable, important and trustworthy – and this is what he grew into.

Some Actionable Tips

I’m not saying that 100% of the language we speak can be connection language (or can it?), what I am saying that we must increase the presence of connection in the language we speak. And there’s no limit to it – the more we connect IS the less we correct.

Hi there! Welcome to my home 🙂 I am a mom, a parent educator, a Nonviolent Communication specialist, and attachment parenting advocate. I help children (and their parents) reconnect and find the joy of family life.

Your tips are very helpful but I don’t agree with some of your ideals like “When we say “no” – we negate the very core of their being” and “right and wrong don’t really exist”. I know many people who do not correct their children and wake up to teenagers that lie and steal.

I understand your belief in connection because that’s what I believe also. My son (who is 38 years old) knew that we had a connection which meant he was able to understand loving correction. We spent hundreds of hours talking from the time he was little until he went to college. We are very close and he has always known I love him.
I would never want to “challenge” you because you are giving some good advice, but I did find myself feeling combative by the end of the post because I didn’t find any way to connect with you. Thank you for your work in advising parents about how to love and connect. I think it’s a great thing.

Hi Sheila, thank you so much for taking the time to comment and to challenge me – I did request it, didn’t I? 🙂 I’ll need to break my reply to be consistent with the points you’ve raised:
This post is not about law breaking behaviors and I’ll edit to make that part clear.

Teenagers who lie and steal do so from an immense variety of reasons – not being corrected is, in most cases, not one of them.

Surely – when a child steals she MUST be told that is something that we cannot do. When the stealing persists, it’s a clear sign that it meets some underline needs that are not otherwise met. Even if correction will work here – a different behavior meant to address those needs will soon pop up; so again – we haven’t solved a thing.

Lies are meant to cover up fear: if we won’t address the feared issue, correction won’t help. It will lead to more fear (and guilt, and shame) that will, in turn, lead to more lies.

When we address a visible behavior – we neglect the need it stems from. This strategy might work for that very moment, but it won’t change the pattern. If anything – it will deepen it.

I hope this makes it more clear 🙂 Let me know if you have any further questions, and again – thanks for this challenge 🙂