Monthly Archives: June 2014

He liked to tease her about wearing her out in the bedroom because many years before she had made an off hand remark that it would never happen.

“I am not like these other girls. I love sex and I am not going to just turn you down to make a point. I don’t use sex as a weapon because I would only be hurting myself and you.”

He remembered laughing and telling her that it was ok because he would say no.

Shock rolled across her face and then she began to laugh.

“You are a guy. You would never turn me down.”

When he told her she had an ego she had sputtered for a moment and tried to explain but he laughed and she realized he was just messing with her.

Later on he told her he loved her and said he liked sex too much to turn it down and looked forward to wearing her out. She laughed and told him she didn’t have a man’s refractory period and said he would tire out long before she did.

In some ways that conversation felt like it had happened during a different life to different people and yet it felt like yesterday. It reminded him that when he thought about his girl it was always in a context of timelessness.

The song they sang together wasn’t one that ever ended. There were moments where it played more forcefully than others and moments when you had to listen carefully to catch any of the notes but the music never stopped.

+++++

He thought about how once she had said that she never fought with anyone the way she fought with him. He knew she believed it but he knew exactly how to respond and so he pointed out the context of their disagreements.

“We never fight about anything that has real substance or is truly serious. We have silly fights that only come from frustration and most of the time we aren’t really frustrated with each other. We are frustrated about other things and it just comes out. You and I complement each other in so many ways.”

She had smiled at him and asked him to be specific about whether he was referring to compliment or complement.

“You know I think you are sexy and beautiful and as soon as we finish talking I am going to take you.”

“Do you really mean that?

“You know I do and you know that I really believe we complement each other. I truly think that for whatever reason we are capable of bringing the best in each other out. When you are upset who do you want to talk to about whatever it is that is bothering you.”

She had nodded her head, taken his hand and pulled him into the bedroom.

+++++

Sometimes he wondered why he hadn’t realized that sooner. He’d sit back in his chair look at the ceiling and mutter out loud that he wouldn’t find any answers there or splattered on the wall.

And then he’d ask himself if they had any real sense of what they were capable of together. It sounded sort of goofy but he spelled it out for himself.

‘If you guys really love each other the way you think you do and you both just let go how much more could you accomplish? How much could you do if you had complete faith in your partner to watch your back and catch you if you fell. What would you do if you knew they would always be there for the rest of our life.’

The thing was they couldn’t answer that question right now and he knew that. He thought it was likely that one day they would find out but when that day would be was something he couldn’t answer.

If you asked her now she’d probably not be so optimistic. She’d say she would rather be pleasantly surprised than disappointed and he’d tell you that he didn’t work like that.

But then he’d point out that he saw that as being tied into how they complemented each other. It was like they brought balance to where the other was off kilter.

And then he’d think about wrapping her up in his arms and asking her if there was ever a time those arms didn’t make her feel safe.

He told her she was his air and that she had his heart and then he got in his car and drove away.

The light passed into darkness and under a desert moon he thought about how very strange life can be. If you ask the question about if it is true that love finds you when you least expect it she would be the answer.

Timing and circumstances had been the devil of their relationship and the adversary he had yet to find a way to conquer. Every time he thought about it he found himself shaking his head and wondering what possessed him to dance in the fire as he had been doing.

And every time he thought about her he heard music. It wasn’t always the same song but it was still music.

“I saw you dancing out the ocean
Running fast along the sand
A spirit born of earth and water
Fire flying from your hands

In the instant that you love someone
In the second that the hammer hits
Reality runs up your spine
And the pieces finally fit

And all I ever needed was the one
Like freedom fields where wild horses run
When stars collide like you and I
No shadows block the sun
You’re all I’ve ever needed
Baby you’re the one” The One- Elton John

The miles passed and with each rotation of the tire he was physically farther from her but part of what kept him going was emotionally he never felt the distance in the same way.

If you asked him he would tell you that he knew it didn’t matter if they were separated for a day or a decade because they would always pick up where they left off.

“The chemistry between us is different than anything I have ever experienced. It is not just love and lust but it friendship is mixed in it all too.”

Relatively few people would nod their heads because they would wonder how a grown up could act like they were in high school but those few who get it would understand that sometimes you get lucky and discover your best friend is the person you are in love with.

Under the desert moon he’d wonder if she loved him as deeply as she always had and then his phone would ring and she’d check in to make sure he was safe and while she slept he’d keep driving and remember how she said their were family now.

His tiny dancer, the dancing queen with dark eyes who was sometimes prone to running away from him would never let herself go so far they couldn’t see each other.

She had told him he had to go and pushed him to take care of the loose ends but he had seen the pain in her eyes as she did it and had known how it hurt.

It seemed so unfair to have overcome so much and yet be forced back into a position where they couldn’t enjoy the benefits of what they had worked so hard to produce.

He wasn’t completely surprised when she told him she couldn’t hold on from such a distance and though it hurt him deeply he didn’t fight because he was convinced it was temporary.

And because he knew he had the strength to hold everything together. He knew he could carry her for miles and that for the time being if he wanted to have a shot at something later on he’d have to be the one to be the mule.

Some might have suggested he was a fool for doing so but anyone who understood what they had, what they could be and what they were to each other would recognize why they acted as they did.

She feared to be held accountable for certain changes and he understood that unless he could find a way to make her recognize those changes were as a result of his choices she would hold back.

He figured if they had found a way to tap into the magic that had brought them together and helped them find each other again things would work themselves out again.

It wasn’t easy to put faith in that alone because he believed things worked out because people made them work out but in this one case he always referred to his gut.

That gut feeling was what had helped serve as the guiding light that he had followed to her and it was flashing again. If you asked him to explain it in scientific terms he would say “shit happens’ but that was the best he had.

He couldn’t tell you how or why other than he just thought it would.

And if she asked him how or why he would say he knew things. She would tell him he needed a new shtick and he’d tell he promised he would find a way and then remind her she kissed him first.

She’d shake her head and say he attacked her neck. He’d say she tried to tear his pants off and then they would go back and forth or so he imagined.

But when she asked him to be serious he would say he was lucky because he fell in love with his best friend and she was both sexy and beautiful.

The year was 1980 something and the lovely Anne Stacey had chosen to grace me with her presence. I had spent countless hours unsuccessfully wooing the woman. Cards, chocolate, flowers, and a barbershop quartet had all failed to do the trick but I couldn’t tell you why. All I knew was that the girl who had gone to prom with me had chosen to withdraw her favors and spend time with a man I dubbed the scoundrel. I once tried to tell her this and she suggested that my ill feelings towards him had to do with jealously. Now I won’t say that this is true but I admit to suggesting that if she hoped for more than simple companionship she might consider spending time at the produce market.

Apparently this is not advisable nor is suggesting that he would probably die in robbing a drug store for used condoms. Don’t ask me to explain why I said these things or what they mean because I won’t answer nor will I admit to wanting to give him the same treatment a flying clown once received from me. Women make men crazy and love just exacerbates the craziness we feel.

Weeks of rejection turned into months but I refused to give up. I can’t explain why other than to say that every time I saw her I heard music and it made me believe that one day she would dance with me again.

One day I sent her a card with some of the lyrics to Get Down Tonight by K.C. & The Sunshine Band.

“Baby, babe, let’s get together.
Honey, hon, me and you.
And do the things, ah, do the things
That we like to do.

Do a little dance, make a little love,
Get down tonight.
Do a little dance,
make a little love,
Get down tonight.”

P.S. Come over and find out if I really am a better cook than you are. I’ll make it worth your while.

I had been rejected so many times that I was beginning to wonder if maybe I was swimming down the river of denial but was pleasantly surprised to receive a telephone call from her asking why she should come. Needless to say I was nervous because I knew that the wrong words would result in another no. Yet something told me that it was time to be bold so I told her that I was going to pick her up at 10 am so that we could go to the farm to pick fresh fruits and vegetables for dinner. Two days later she walked out of her apartment and into my car.

For a few moments we drove in silence and listened to a mix tape that I had made for the occasion. Good old cassette tape technology, a soft hissing noise in the background accompanied us on our ride. The Beatles, Simon and Garfunkel, Cat Stevens, Joe Cocker and Springsteen serenaded us.

A short time later we arrived at the farm and began picking out the items we wanted for our meal. She made a crack about me making her work for her food and I said that remained to be seen. Every time she bent over to pick something up my eyes were drawn to her. I was completely entranced by her- not just because I thought that she was beautiful but because she was so very smart. I attribute my love for carrots to that day. Somewhere I have a picture of holding one close to her mouth, pretending to be Bugs Bunny.

And had anyone heard the music that played inside my head at the moment they would have heard Bookends.

“Time it was, and what a time it was, it was
A time of innocence, a time of confidences
Long ago, it must be, I have a photograph
Preserve your memories, they’re all that’s left you”

She asked him not to kiss her and said it was because she didn’t have any romantic feelings for him.

He laughed and shook his head and that made her angry.

“You need to respect my decisions.
-You need to be honest with yourself and with me.
– I am being honest. I don’t have any feelings for you.
-Hah, one kiss will lead us right to the bedroom.
-No, it won’t and you will not kiss me.
-You go right ahead and keep telling yourself that because I am not going to try.”

She rolled her eyes and snorted.

“Like I believe that.
-believe it, I am not going to try and kiss you. Why should I when I know you will kiss me.
-Your ego is huge. That is not going to happen.
-It will and it has every other time. You always kiss me first and then pretend like you didn’t.
-You are such a revisionist.
-No. I am a realist and I understand how you operate. You just need time to accept you are crazy about me and then we’ll go from there.
-A man who talks like that isn’t going to get laid.
-Hah, you just admitted you like me and you want me.”

Her eyes narrowed and she muttered something.

“Baby, I love you even when you are acting ridiculously.
-I am not going to sleep with you.
-Fine, I am not going to kiss you.
-Like hell you are not going to try. Don’t lie to yourself. You are a man.
-No, I am your man but you just haven’t figured that part out yet but you will.
-You are infuriating.
-No. I am hungry so decide if you want to kiss me or have lunch first.”

Johnny closed his eyes and went searching for June. In the quiet of the moment he found her, wrapped her up in his arms and nuzzled her neck.

She squirmed and giggled but didn’t pull away. They stood for a moment and then he took her by the hand and led her to the bedroom.

“Johnny, you have a one track mind. Aren’t we going to talk first?”

He didn’t have to look at June to know she was teasing him.”

“Baby, I plan on making up for lost time. We have to get cracking.”

She giggled and then told him she was game but that he couldn’t keep up.

“Woman, I am going to wear you out. You’ll be walking bowlegged when I am done.”

“Johnny, you are so romantic.”

They both giggled and then he kissed her and they were both lost in the moment.

******

The sound of a garbage truck passing by made him open his eyes. He was alone and had been the entire time. He knew full well that June had never been there but the crazy thing was he often felt like he could feel her thinking about him and when that happened he swore that if he closed his eyes they would be together.

It was something he had always wanted to tell her but he didn’t want her to think he was crazy, unhinged and out of touch with reality. He knew damn well what was going on.

The funny thing about it was he knew there had been a time where if he had told her she would have told him it was sweet and romantic and she would have meant it.

But at the moment they were thousands of miles apart and because of that June had told him she couldn’t be more than friends.

Initially it had pissed him off and he had wanted to ask her why she insisted on being so damn fickle with him because she sure as shit was still in love with him.

He didn’t buy a word of what she tried to sell but he didn’t say that. He didn’t say most of what he was thinking because he didn’t want to have a stupid fight.

She didn’t like the distance and she didn’t feel like she could give herself to him when they were so far apart. In a way it made sense to him.

He got it and if there was one thing he had always tried to do it was protect her so he kept his mouth shut.

******

But part of the reason he did was because he was convinced that she was in love with him and that she wanted to be with him. He figured that was enough of a foundation to hold on to for now.

It didn’t mean there weren’t moments where he was frustrated because there were. He didn’t have to close his eyes to hear/see her say he was the love of her life or ask him to promise to hold onto her even when times were hard.

All that and more was there any time he thought about it.

But so was that feeling he got that said she was thinking about him. It felt ridiculous to think about it out loud. It made him feel a bit foolish and goofy because it wasn’t the sort of tangible thing you could hug, touch, see or point at.

It was hard to just have faith but when he thought about it that was part of being in love, faith in the other person. There weren’t any guarantees to hold onto, just faith that what he felt was real.

Just faith that he wasn’t an idiot and a fool.

He figured if nothing else it would make one hell of a story and then he closed his eyes, kissed his girl goodnight and went for a walk under a moonlit sky.

(Editor’s note: I got interrupted at least a dozen times while trying to write this so I am not sure if I am happy with it. But I’ll leave it up for a while and think about whether it is worth keeping.)

The bells are starting to go off again in my head and though I may be crazy I always take that to mean they are going off in yours too and that you are thinking about me.

Or maybe it is more accurate to say we are thinking about each other because in our heart of hearts we have never accepted the severing of our being.

Because we have always been two people who share one heart and when we are not connected in the way we need to be I ache. I ache, I ache, I ache and I ache.

I take refuge in anger and dance in the fire because for a moment I forget that there is slipped disc in my back and that my heart is not functioning at full capacity.

Alone and apart I do what I must do and clothe myself in the sort of rainment that allows me to continue this charade. The smile I show the world is real and so is the warmth but it never is bright or burns as warmly as that which you receive.

And then in the midst of it all I hear the words of Poe and though the name might make you think of another it is worth giving you a look.

It was many and many a year ago,
In a kingdom by the sea,
That a maiden there lived whom you may know
By the name of Annabel Lee;
And this maiden she lived with no other thought
Than to love and be loved by me.

I was a child and she was a child,
In this kingdom by the sea,
But we loved with a love that was more than love—
I and my Annabel Lee—
With a love that the wingèd seraphs of Heaven
Coveted her and me.

And this was the reason that, long ago,
In this kingdom by the sea,
A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling
My beautiful Annabel Lee;
So that her highborn kinsmen came
And bore her away from me,
To shut her up in a sepulchre
In this kingdom by the sea.

The angels, not half so happy in Heaven,
Went envying her and me—
Yes!—that was the reason (as all men know,
In this kingdom by the sea)
That the wind came out of the cloud by night,
Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.

But our love it was stronger by far than the love
Of those who were older than we—
Of many far wiser than we—
And neither the angels in Heaven above
Nor the demons down under the sea
Can ever dissever my soul from the soul
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;

For the moon never beams, without bringing me dreams
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And the stars never rise, but I feel the bright eyes
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side
Of my darling—my darling—my life and my bride,
In her sepulchre there by the sea—
In her tomb by the sounding sea.

And when I read these words I smile because I know that when your hand is in mine neither angel nor demon can stand against us. Together we are so much more than when we are apart.

When two become one we are magic and the answer to the question of who will allow us to bring out all the love that we have. We may have started a story whose end must wait but when that end comes we will watch it happen together.

For now I will put down my pen because when the fire burns so brightly I must run with the moon until I cannot run any more. But know that I run with a smile upon my face and the sort of confidence that some would label foolish but I call instinct.

You are and have always been my north star. I will see you later in the moonlight and when the time is right don’t be surprised to find yourself in my arms again.

“You still don’t know the difference between then and than. It cracks me up.”

I smiled and laughed.

“Don’t care, not wrapped up in grammar. I have forgotten more than most people ever learn because it is not important to me. Probably sounds shocking because I am a writer, but it is true. I love stories. I love layers. I love texture and nuance and those are far more interesting to me.”

“You can be so sensitive. What is your deal Johnny boy.”

“June, you know me in ways that no one else does or ever has but the one thing you never seem to get is how very different I am with you. Ask some of the boys and they will tell you that they think it is funny how I don’t care what anyone says or thinks. You are among the handful. So yeah, sometimes I might be extra sensitive with you because I am not used to being hurt.”

I watched her eyes get wide and I realized I had been much sharper with my response than I meant to be.

“You do know that part of what I love about you, part of what makes you so special and this so different is how honest and direct we are. Sometimes it is so very raw, but it is part of us. You do know that I love all of you woman, even when you make me nuts.”

She shook her head and asked me how I could make a non apology sound poetic.

“It wasn’t a non apology. It was just poorly worded. Come here.”

When I took her hand and pulled she rolled her eyes at me but still melted against me.

“Hey there mister, why is your hand pushing on my head. That is a little aggressive, isn’t it.”

I didn’t have to see her face to see the smile in her eyes.

“Baby, I am not trying to do what you think I am. I just wanted to put your head against my chest.”

“Yeah, sure you did.”

“No, really, I had this idea about how I was going to put your head against my heart and tell you that you have it all.”

I felt her hand playing with my zipper.

“You mean, you don’t want this. Well, I don’t want to force you into doing anything you don’t want to do.”

You can describe that as being one of those moments where time stood still. It kind felt like I was standing on on a seesaw and was trying to keep my balance.

I needed a witty response, something that was clever, thoughtful and meaningful but I had nothing.

Hell, it felt like the woman had somehow managed to transport me back to high school and I felt awkward and stupid and didn’t know why.

******

“Johnny, I can’t believe we are not going to spend New Year’s Eve together. Will we ever? Will we ever have our time?”

I didn’t hesitate.

“Yes we will.”

“Johnny, you said that for years but it didn’t happen. Why did you drag your feet? We could have already started our life together.”

“June, we have. When you close your eyes at night you always see mine staring back at you. When you are sad you know my arms are around you and you know that I have moved heaven and earth to get to you. What makes you think that I can’t or won’t do it again.”

She kissed me and I tried to decide if it was goodbye or thank you.

When we pulled apart I put my head on her chest and listened.

“Can you hear my heart racing?”

“Yeah, come here.”

She settled back in my arms and I leaned forward.

“I know things. You may think it is silly and ridiculous for me to say but I promise you I do and if you hold my hand and walk with me we will figure it out.”

“What if I don’t? What if I get scared? What if I decide I can’t do it?”

She never said any of those things out loud but I heard them the same way I always had. We didn’t always require words to share a moment or to express a feeling. We didn’t need caller ID or any of that other stuff to know what was going on because we always just knew.

And the thing is that when you just know you are still prone to moments where you think maybe you really didn’t. Moments where you think that maybe you didn’t understand.

So silently reminded her she has always been my north star and that I have needed a map to find her. I just know how. The same way I know how to calm her heart and make her feel secure.

She sighed once and relaxed more deeply in my arms and I decided that she had heard me and then I made one more promise to always find a way to climb over any wall she erected and to prove that I meant what I said.

******

Driving through the desert I kept hearing the echoes of “yes we will” and though I was confident I couldn’t help but wonder why “yes we will” didn’t come with a time and date.

She didn’t tell him that some days she liked to go through boxes of letters and look at some of the fragments from their past.

Wow, how could I forget this? I remember it clear as day, my love. It was one of the worst weekends of
my life. This happened about 3.5 months after we “met.” Sad times.

We have been thru so much together and can get through anything.

Love you,

She remembered that day and the moments that came with it far better than she let on. Part of her wanted to tell him and share how lost she felt but she was afraid to give in to him completely because she feared what would happen if she did.

It was so easy to get caught up, lost in his eyes and in their world. She wasn’t a teenager any more, couldn’t forget or ignore her responsibilities and she feared she would.

He turned her world upside down. Letting him in meant she would have to deal with the storms that came too and she didn’t know if she could really do it.

But then she read his letter and wondered if he really loved her the way he said he did. How could he not, no one would write those words and share what they had.

Wasn’t going to send you anything, but went with the gut ‘cuz that’s what this board is about.

When you think of me, I think of you.

Be well baby and I’ll see you on the other side.

But what if she was wrong. What if fear held him back. What if these were just words he said to keep her around.

She lay down on the bed and kicked her heels and thought about it. He told her he would kiss the tears away and that he would shelter her from the storm.

Ultimately she knew it all to be true but she couldn’t give more than she had, not yet, not now. She needed to see him make more of a commitment otherwise it would be too hard.

Part of her never doubted he would move mountains to get to her. He was among the most determined men she had ever met but still she made certain to hold just a little piece of herself back.

She didn’t want to be crushed. She hated feeling like a teen again, hated the upside down uncertainty of it all.

But every time she thought about what it was like to just hold his hand or to be held by him she smiled. And every time she thought about who she wanted to wake up with in the morning or go to sleep with at night she saw his face.

He was right about that connection. Every time she thought about him he was thinking about her.

The tune that is yours and mine to play upon this earth
We’ll play it out the best we know, whatever it is worth
What’s lost is lost, we can’t regain what went down in the flood
But happiness to me is you and I love you more than blood The Wedding Song- Dylan