Monday Funnies: Inappropriate thoughts that haunt me about Twilight

Posted by unintendedchoice on December 7th, 2009

Dear people sitting at work hungry for things to distract them from the fact that it’s Monday and you’re sitting at work,

With a new Twilight saga movie, we’re treated with TONS of things we can feature for Monday Funnies. Get ready for this one. Put down your coffee cup. Go run and pee. Then go pee again and practice your quiet office giggle because this one is gonna have you rolling. Thanks to @nwalmn on Twitter for sending this our way. And to the blogger, The Bloggess, who is bringing us today’s Monday Funnies:

Inappropriate thoughts that haunt me about Twilight:

1. Why the hell am I reading the Twilight series?

2. The Twilight vampires are so strong that they can inadvertently knock someone’s head off if they aren’t paying attention because humans are as softer than butter compared them. So wouldn’t having sex with Bella be like f*cking a wishing well?

3. No, really. Why am I reading these? I’m 35, for God’s sake. This is more embarrassing than that summer I had all those weird sex dreams about Dumbledore.

4. Wait, I mean Snape. Not Dumbledore. No one has sex dreams about Dumbledore. That would be disgusting.

5. Okay, fine. It was a three-way with Snape and Dumbledore. Ron Weasley was watching for some reason. That part was weird.

Umm Brilliant so far? Yes. Read the rest after the jump!

6. So in Twilight, all the bodily fluids of the vampires are poisonous. Their spit is venomous and their eyes juice is so acidic that it dissolves contact lenses, yet their semen is perfectly harmless. Um…what?

7. Edward’s entire body is made to be super violently fast and all inhumanly strong. So when he had unprotected sex with Bella, why didn’t his super-semen shoot through her body like a bullet out the back of her skull?

8. Remember when Edward kept telling Bella that he couldn’t plow her because it was “just too dangerous” and she just wouldn’t lay off? I wonder if he ever just said “IT’S BECAUSE I WOULD BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF WITH MY SEMEN, BELLA! GOD! YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE SMART ONE. I’M JUST TRYING TO BE DELICATE HERE.”

9. If you’re going to die anyway, I bet death by vampire ejaculation is a good way to go.

10. Unless the vampire suffered from premature ejaculation. That would be a shitty way to go. Especially if you didn’t even get it all the way in and he just accidentally shot off your leg with his semen. That would totally suck.

11. I bet the reason why the Cullen’s sit alone at lunch is because they don’t want to get too close to all those girls on their periods.

12. Wait, did Bella just never have a period, ever? How did she get pregnant then? Why wasn’t shit this covered in the books?

14. I bet it sucked when Bella was pregnant and living at the Cullen’s house because when you’re pregnant you get super gassy and every time she farted everyone in the entire house would know it instantly no matter where they were because they all have that super-amazing sense of smell and hearing. Except Alice can tell the future so she probably knew it was coming and had some kind of codeword to use so everyone could stop breathing for awhile. Probably, something like “Bella’s about to fart, you guys”. Alice isn’t very subtle.

15. If I was Bella I’d never be able to use the bathroom at the vampire house. They all know what you’re doing in there, Bella.

16. You know what would suck? If you were the human girlfriend of a vampire and you wanted to have oral sex but the dental dam dissolved because of his caustic mouth venom and then you got infected with vampire venom. In the vagina. That would be like Chlamydia times a billion, probably.

17. I wonder if I’m the only person who’s ever wondered this stuff? My guess is “yes”.

UPDATED: Oh holy crap, y’all. Apparently I’m not the only one who wonders about this sort of stuff. Surprisingly, that’s not as comforting as I thought it would be.

[vodpod id=Groupvideo.4123171&w=425&h=350&fv=key%3Df57c441be1]

To the Bloggess, you’re NOT alone. We’ve discussed the period and the ejaculation/semen thing here. Plus I think about it ALL THE TIME. (You can’t help but think about those things when you write letters to this guy every other day) Also, you’re hilarious. I’m pretty sure I need to read you every day for MY daily funnies. Espeically today cuz it’s Monday. And I’m at work. And tomorrow, I’ll be at work. And it’ll be Tuesday. And then that will happen for 3 more days. And all of those days will suck. So thanks for making me laugh on at least one of them.

XO,
UnintendedChoice

Go over and give The Blogess some LTT love and then get back to your coffee and trying to forget that today is only Monday.

Still thinking about how you’re at work? Check out our archive of Monday Funnies

I had to close my office door & pickup my phone & pretend I was having a very-very funny conversation with a customer.

SparkleSperm of a day!

Bri

Is having sex with Edward like humping a popsicle? Is he ALWAYS in the “up & at ’em” position?

TeamSeth

I’m pretty sure we’ve discussesd this before. might wanna swing through the archives. I’d say it was within the past 30 days.

operarose

It’s Monday and it’s dark and snowy up here in the winterlands of Canadia, so I’m pretty grumpy and if you don’t feel like dealing with a grumpy person please move along to the next comment, but I don’t find this funny…just gross.

I guess I could forgive the logistics of Edward and Bella’s bodily fluids and their impact on their relationship because the story was so great and it is, after all, a fantasy. In my fantasy world, characters don’t do things like burp or fart or make any noises while using the toilet; men always smell like rainbows and sunshine and fresh pine trees, women don’t have cramps or bloating and periods, and sex doesn’t include the possibility of bodily fluids burning out one’s womb. (Although in all fairness, my fantasy world sex also wouldn’t include the creation of a creepy half-human, half-mutant baby muching itself out of my body).

I suppose I went into Twilight with that attitude and thus never considered it to be a distraction that Stephenie Meyer never explained the biology of it all in detail. After all, in a world where vampires and shape-shifters exist, why do gross bodily functions have to interfere? But then again that could just be me and my inner Victorian, who is rather prudish. I guess I am pretty much the only one willing to forgive such lack of attention to detail in the interest of maintaining my prudish little Victorian fantasy world.

ambushed by twilight

i whole-heartedly concur… you just voiced my true inner-self, i just happen to have those other notions pop into my haed from time to time, but when i read the books or watch the movies “those” thoughts never enter my mind… i mean i never think about Elizabeth Benet having cramps or Fitzwilliams nite-dreams…

if i could, i’d thumbs up your comment a bakers dozen amount of times…

<3

TeamSeth

Fitzwilliam’s night dreams!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG, I love you. And now I’m always going to think about this. Especially since in the movie they never call him Fitzwilliam, so it’ll be like this private joke Kiera never gets to share with me.

ambushed by twilight

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand we thank you! as he dreams on…

operarose

Thanks for the thumbs up! I was hoping people wouldn’t hate me for being all grumbly. I mean I’m all for a bit of fun, but I think that was just a few too many bodily fluids for a Monday morning! I like my reading experiences to be as distanced from reality as possible, thanks….

TeamSeth

Victorian? I thought you were from ON? 😉

operarose

LOL, I’m actually American and from Michigan. So almost Ontario. But now I live in Montreal. Never even been to Victoria, but was perhaps Victorian in another life…

wileykitkat

I don’t think your comment was grumpy at all. Too be honest, most of the things on the list never crossed my mind while reading the books or watching the movies. It’s kind of like when you have a crush on a guy at work or school and you think he’s perfect and then when you get to know him better and you realize, “oh yeah, he’s just a regular guy just like I’m a regular girl”. *sigh* Or maybe that’s just me. Hence the reason it’s a fantasy to me and I enjoy it. I love Jacob but I don’t want to think about what he does when he excuses himself to run to the bathroom. Ugh!

operarose

Just for the record, I do realize the post was just for fun. But instead of laughing this morning I felt a bit woozy instead! Hopefully tomorrow there are fewer bodily fluids mentioned in the post!

absolutelyvlc

Operarose, I think we’re all willing to fogive such lack of attention to detail…otherwise we never would have made it through to the end of Breaking Dawn, I mean, seriously.
And I for one am willing to forgive grumpiness due to this skizzy Canadian weather. Abs also no likey 🙁

operarose

LOL, so true. I’ve only read BD through three times, but saying three times is generous. I’m not even sure I have ever read every word in the book. I remember skimming several parts, particularly the ones involving a great deal of blood and metallic ripping. I don’t understand how Bella gets freaked out by a teeny drop of blood in Twilight and then…ah well, nevermind, we’ve been over this before!

OMFG I luved it so much, I started laughing on my own and everybody in the house came to check on me! It’s fff*in hilarious!Don’t worry I’ve thought about all these things but not with so many details though…As far as HP fantasy dreams…well, mine were more tasteful at least!They were about Serius Black as described in the book; later on I saw the actor that played that role and never had another dream again!
Keep up with the good work!xoxo

kitkat

As long as we’re discussing this, what happens if you get turned into a vampire when you are a virgin?

Dawn

Okay, so this is one of the funniest posts I’ve read to date! But as I was reading and laughing hysterically, it brought up one of the questions I have always had but never had a forum on which to present it…Edward is technically dead…he has no heartbeat…so while we are left to ponder his venemous sperm (among other things), I’m left to ponder the greater question of how does he even get an erection to get Bella pregnant to begin with…he has no bloodflow?

Kiki

THAT’S SOO TRUE!

leahcyr

UC & Moon,

Was wondering if you were planning on joining thinkingofrob.com ‘s respect rob campaign against the paparazzi?
I think its great.

Leah C.

Kiki

HAHA I had thought of these things too and also, I think I wouldn’t want Edward watching me sleep EVERY night! I mean… I drool, I talk in my sleep and God knows what else my body does and/or produces while my mind is having sexy dreams!

hope

5. Okay, fine. It was a three-way with Snape and Dumbledore. Ron Weasley was watching for some reason. That part was weird

best line ever… i know you warned me but i nearly peed anyway

ALundquist

Yep! I have had these thoughts aswell (except the Dumbledore/Snape threeway…. WHAT???).
The period thing has been discussed several times amongst my friends and myself. Then I went to the Twilight Lexicon and in one of their early correspondence letters with Steph Meyer, she said that the period blood was different to the real blood, as it is “dead” blood AKA not liquid deliciousness pulsing through Bella’s vains, but basically a dead egg!
Haven’t got an answer for why his venoms super-semen would just create a creepy baby and not shoot through her like a bullet. But I guess perhaps it just shot into her egg and didn’t have to work it’s way in there like regular semen, but then why didn’t she conceive octuplets?! SO many questions

i love you betches. there is not a day in my life that i don’t think about something related to Twi (ok…shut up… several somethings) and i have my obsessive personality and you betches to thank for that. More so, i have some AMAZING new friends in my life and a much more entertaining way to spend my days instead of doing the work i don’t want to do. for this, i will forever love this chapter of my life… even if i will not publicly acknowledge its existence.

Congrats on a year. For making people laugh. and for the connection you’ve helped spur in thousands of people.

Love ya,
Calli

Siena

I’m go glad i didn’t open this at work. this shiz deserves a serious lol time.

I have seriously never even contemplated periods/vamp semen…. maybe there is something wrong with me?

and god…. now that i think about it…..morning breath! With the power of uber smell that must have been a real treat for the nostrils of our mortally challenged friend.