Belgian researchers decided to do toxicology tests on books checked out from the Antwerp library recently, presumably in the hopes of finally driving some poor germophobe to suicide. Of the 10 books tested, they found that all 10 contained traces of cocaine, this being, after all, the country that gave us Van Damme. They said the amount of coke found wasn’t enough to get you high, but might’ve been enough to make you fail a drug test. So, the worst of both worlds.

Meanwhile, Fifty Shades of Grey, EL James’ erotic Twilightfan-fiction best-seller, tested positive for the herpes virus. Aw, gross, you’re supposed to wash those fingers before you use them to turn the pages.

Two books, “Tango” by Pieter Aspe and “Fifty shades of Grey” by EL James showed traces of the herpes virus. Responsible for cold sores and is also transmitted through sexual contact.

However, Library Visitors are not at risk. The concentrations found are so low that they do not harm health. [DeRedactie, translated by Google]

Yeesh. Just imagine what they would’ve found on your mom’s Kindle. It just goes to show, borrowing a well-worn copy of mommy porn from the place where hobos go to masturbate might not be the most sanitary thing you’ve ever done.

Some things cannot be unresearched. If you need me, I’ll be having sex like this:

First off, ewww… secondly, even if there was a concentrated amount of herpes… second ewwww, the chances of contracting the virus would be pretty minimal despite it being an enveloped virus? right? I need confirmation…. for a friend.

True story: I once dated a guy (once, and then never again) who told me he had herpes but it was OK because it had “retreated into his spine”. I don’t care if it retreated into your neighbour’s parakeet, keep your dick the hell away from me. And your grimy copy of 50 Shades.

Some people are hesitant to sign onto the e-book craze in fear that it will detract from the sensual experience of reading. They would miss the satisfying weight of a new hardcover in your bag; the crisp, dry feeling of the pages in your hands; the musty smell of a prior reader’s disease-ridden pussy fingers beckoning to your eager nostrils.

True story: During a family celebration I asked my mom if I could take a look at her Kindle, as I hadn’t used one before. She fiddled with it for a sec and then gave it to me. I opened it up and inadvertently opened the last thing she had up and of course: Fifty Shades of Your Mom Rubbing One Out.

GOD mom why can’t you not have human urges, like Protestant America assures me is the godly way to live!

For me it was a gaming magazine that had an advertisement of a girl in a bikini on a car. It was supposed to be an ad for some car game (Need for Speed maybe) but for me it was my hidden ticket to boner city.

True story: didn’t jerk off until I was 18. Before then I just let myself get hard and enjoyed the sensation while looking at nude pics online.