10 Things To Do If You Are The Ex-Pope

by Ray_North on February 11, 2013

Normally Popes tend to die in Office, which is kind of handy, in a clean, break with the past kind of way.

Benedict though, has decided to do things in a different way: at the tender age of 85, he’s going to call it a day. Which begs the question, what is he going to do with his life when he is no longer, Pontiff, Vicar of Rome, God’s Voice on Earth – tricky. Well, let no one say that we are not concerned as to the plight of aged ex-infalliable heirs to St Peter, so we’ve decided to put together a list of ten things that an ex-Pope might do:

1. Write your memoirs. And I don’t mean some kind of theological tome, I’m talking a racy challis kissing and telling, expose of life in the Vatican – the Daily Express could serialise it together with some nice shots of you walking through verdant coloured fields back in Bavaria.

2. Hold out for a new job within the Catholic Church, in a sort Kenny Dalglish type way, making sure, of course, that it comes with a nice spot in the directors box at St Peter’s, a good wage, fancy car and a worthy but ultimately pointless title such as ‘Ambassador for God’ or something.

3. Go into coaching, back into the old Seminary, back with the lads, the grass roots, to pass on some of the invaluable skills you’ve learned in your sixty years at the top – I mean who gives Mass like you?

4. Go for a complete career change: personally, I’m thinking the world of fashion – you could start your own clothes brand ‘Benedicts’, get a slot in Milan and New York, perhaps a celebrity endorsement or two, and your brand of fashionable yet practical, clerical wear could sell like hot cakes.

5. There’s the celebrity reality TV show circuit, I’m sure Endermol and others would have your hand off if you fancied appearing alongside a couple of Cheeky Girls, Eric Bristow and that bloke out of Steps; and with a billion Catholics around the globe, you’d be odds on to win the next series of ‘I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here.’

6. Or alternatively, and perhaps controversially, you could stick to what you know best and form your own church – free from the encumbrances of two thousand odd years of dogma, you could pretty much do what you want and still claim that you are God’s voice on earth, assuming that is, that you and God are still talking – I mean what is the protocol for these things? Does God just delete you from his phone list?

7. You could hang around the Vatican moaning about how it wasn’t like this in your day, and how everything’s gone to pot now, and the new bloke doesn’t have the feel for the church in the same way you did.

8. Following on from 7, and quite similar to the Kenny Dalglish analogy of 2, after a couple of years moping around reminding everyone how great your were (including a number of popular, crowd waving set-pieces), you could be returned to your ‘rightful’ position as head of the Church.

9. You could go around Africa, telling the Archbishops of various African nations that actually, Homosexuality isn’t a sin, and that wearing condoms isn’t a sin either, but a pretty good idea, what with AIDS being rampant and all.

10. Release an album of your greatest hits in an acoustic arrangement (I know a bit last century!) and then appear on the Chat Show Circuit glad-handing with the great and the good and performing live.