Til Death Do Us Part...

My first love was an instant attraction, from the moment I first laid eyes on him, I felt in my heart, surely this is my SOUL MATE. I first met him when I was the ripe age of 13,due to the fact my grandmother had enrolled my siblings and I in a weekly family therapy session due to the fact my mother passed, she felt at the time we weren't over it, and of course we weren't (but that's a seperate story )...
Anyway moving along, me and my sister was sitting in a lobby, waiting for my grandmother to show up, and I look over to my left and i see this young boy around my age with a 'fro cursing out the staff. He was there for different reasons, but for the life of me I could not stop staring at him, it was like i was stuck. My sister said "why you keep looking at him like that?" and I looked at her and said "i dont know, I think he's cute" so my sister went over to him told him i liked him he looked over at me and got his number for me.....
the first time we talked over the phone was a complete failure. he was the bad-boy thug type, always in the streets, selling drugs, sexually active etc. The first phone call we had he was talking about sex, I was a virgin so I felt compelled to hang up on him in mid conversation and i did.
Flash forward about 3-4 years, I was being sent home early from school because I had a blue bandana on as a headband and they told me to remove it and I refused so they sent me home. while on the train I saw this guy laughing and talking to a bunch of other guys, and again I couldn't stop staring at him then right before he got off of the train he came over to me and said "dont i knowyou from somewhere?" and at first i was like no...so he wrote his numer down in my notebook. when i took it home and looked at the name and number it was the same exact one from 3 years prior. Obviously we had hit puberty by this time so we were a tad bit more ready to get serious.
Things got serious we started seeing eachother on a regular basis, yet there were gaps when he would disappear usually in juvenile detention. I had this unconditional love for him and I could feel that he loved me back. he was very honest with me that he told me he cheated on me, and I knew he cheated because we weren't having sex, I was a virgin until i decided to have sex with him a day before my 17th birthday.
OUr lives were totally different. he came from a dysfunctional background and was halfway raised in foster care, he dropped out of highschool and was totally emersed in the streets, robbing, selling drugs etc. He was boyfriend but I had to find other dates for proms, because he didnt have the money or desire to go.
I always thought that i could help him better himself, i was young and thought that he needed someone to make a difference in his life, and even carried on our relationship while I was away in college.
Earlier in my 20's i moved around a lot,to simply find my niche to see what it was like to live in different states and meet new people and open up new possibilities for my future. I was a self made lyricist/rapper i auditioned , performed and recorded in various studios, including sony as i was hell bent on a career in music.
we broke up because we were never around eachother long enough, and i didn't approve of his lifestyle. I wanted a man i could make a life with not a man that was going to end up either in jail or dead. but that never stopped me from loving him or caring about him.
After living in ny for a few years and a bad breakup from a 2 1/2 year relationship with another guy, I moved back home got 3 jobs to start saving money to go to california.
this was january of that yr. the day before valentines day i was at my dad's house and he was drunk acting retarded and i hated when he got like that so i decided to leave and walk to my grandmother's house to stay the night. while walking i took a shortcut,(which was well known) and i see him walking in the opposite direction and soon as he recognized me he spoke and i gave him a huge hug, and went with him to his place instead.
this was the most mature the relationship has ever gotten, so we got back together but inside I still had feelings for the other guy i broke up and was deeply confused because i had a whole bunch of options in front of me, and was ready to discard them all for california.
but the way I felt with him i never felt with anyone else, and at this point hoped that he was headed for the better. this time around he was home more often. but i wasn't ready for what was to happen next.
For 3 months we were around eachother as much as possible, but i told him that i had plans on making it big, and that i knew people. he really started discouraging me by telling me things about the music industry that were unsavory and that i shouldn't pursue it. I was angry because i was writing songs and recording for years and it was all i ever thought i wanted.
I broke up with him, but he kept calling me and even wrote me a letter.
The last day i physically saw him while he touched me, was memorial day. i was outside waiting for my friends to pick me up for a party, he came literally out of nowhere and grabbed me by the arms looked me in the eyes and told me he loved me. the wind was blowing really wild and the trees leaves flowing in the wind. sadness overcame me and tears welled up in my eyes.
I started getting visions of him bloody, and dreams of being shot in the torso, then the fact of the matter was the city i lived in at the time was murder capital. that year many people were killed or incarcerated. I also remember him saying he could see us happily married with children but that he had a feeling it would never happened. he even told me that if i wanted to be with him that it was time, but that he could tell i wasn't ready. he was right.
He also said that he can see me looking for him but wont find him cause he would be gone by then, this also was true.
I was then immensly confused, and told him that i didn't want to start a family until i was 26.So i saved up some money and left in june. I went to cali and had so much fun and was automatically working in the studios my first week there. i was ecstatic, but then i started to feel empty like i needed love. We started talking over the phone while i was in california, but i was too far away from him to see him.
The day that I got homesick and decided to come back home, I called him because i didnt want to lose him, even though I had visions, dreams, and even a psychic told me of his demise in a 5 dollar reading 5 years prior to his demise ....she didnt say who, she just said he was my soul mate and not to cry that it wasn't my fault.
for a long time i stood perplexed to that statement, and often wonder how i would think someone elses death is my fault.
It was September 27th, and I woke up after having a dream that kept recurring , I called to tell him i love him and that i would be coming back, but those words never was able to come out of my mouth. when I called, he got on the phone but i heard a bunch of guys in the background, he got back on the phone and asked me if he should rob a 711 because the guys he knew that did it said it was "sweet" or easy.
jokingly, not taking it seriously i said 'if i ever robbed a place i would do it late night when nobody is there". he said, i'll call you back.
i started to get this uneasy feeling, and tried calling him back at his house, but he wasn't there they said he just left. and i knew at that point that he had left to go do that , so i chirped him and finally after forcing a chirp through (nextel, remember that?) I heard gunshots
then i heard him running and then it sounded like he was lying in the gutter and when he spoke i could hear him coughing up blood. but there was nothing i could do, i was too far!
Devastated all i had was hope that he went to the hospital and got better. he then told me, if he makes it he'll call me tomorrow if he doesn't make it then he wont.
the next day came i called and his cousin answered the phone, i asked for him, then it was a long pause, then i guess he didnt want to tell me the truth he told me he was in the hospital and that he'd call when he got out. but he died that night he never made it out of the hospital.
What i have learned from this experience, the hard way, is that opportunities present themselves only when they are accessable, time waits for no one, never take anyone for granted and to never joke about commiting crimes. to this day i miss him and know i will never see him again. on a side note my current boyfriend said he had a dream and that my soul mate told him to take care of me. i dont know if it's true or not, but i haven't been happy with any man since.
Also if you're young and you see that a peer needs a mentor, you cannot be their mentor as they dont look up to you, and you might not know how to approach things in their life.

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26-30
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Apr 14, 2009

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Soulmate
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