He Watches Porn—Is Your Relationship In Trouble?

Sexually charged images aren't limited to adult films and websites—they're everywhere! From a snapshot of a young ingénue's hoo-ha as she gets out of a limo to the latest celebrity sex tape, we are surrounded by forms of pornography. And, on the Internet most of it is not only easily accessible, it's free.

It's no wonder, then, that there are hundreds of sites dedicated to ending porn addiction. But does this mean that if your partner looks at porn that he has a problem? Does it mean that he doesn't love you or is being unfaithful? Is there room for porn in your relationship?

What happens when you discover your partner is viewing porn? Maybe you feel something is wrong with you, or that something is missing in your relationship. You might begin to question your own attractiveness, or your partner's level of attraction to you. This discovery could affect your self-esteem and your sexual confidence. "Is he thinking about younger, prettier women? Is he being unfaithful to me?" you may ask.

Anger, despair, betrayal are only some of the many feelings that could be triggered by this situation. It is important to notice what emotions this brings up inside of you, and to get to the root of what you are feeling.

One of the most important things for you to realize is the difference between the way men are stimulated and the way women are. With men, sexual stimulation can be a purely visual experience with no connection to the heart. In essence it is a direct connection between the image and sexual arousal—neither his heart nor his imagination are required or necessarily engaged. When women view porn, it usually requires a story (however slight) to ignite her desire for fantasy. Her imagination can become very involved and for a majority of women, igniting the fantasy is the goal! Porn: When It Helps & When It Hurts

We had a client who had discovered that her boyfriend was looking at porn, and she really felt betrayed. She felt that his looking at porn was equal to him being unfaithful. She came to us because she was trying to reconcile her feelings. How could he love her and want to look at other women naked?

We worked with her to get the root of what was causing her distress. For her, it was her own insecurity. Once we established that, we coached her on how to communicate with her boyfriend in a way that allowed her to take responsibility for her own feelings. Once in the conversation, she was able to create deeper intimacy with her boyfriend simply by expressing her emotions authentically. Moving forward together, this couple decided to sometimes include porn in their foreplay. It allowed them to discuss parts of their sex life they had not yet communicated about; it added a "wow!" factor to their imagination and role-play, and ultimately made them a stronger couple by creating deeper intimacy. 5 Thoughts That Prevent Great Sex