Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Heal

Have you managed to find all of the broken pieces of me, hidden in the corners of our life? I think the pain-staking process of gluing them back together falls solely on me, so I make sure each tiny shard of my heart finds its way back into the dustbin that I shall pack up as surely as the rest of my belongings as I take leave of you.Healing cannot come while we share this existence together.I looked deep inside of myself for years, and I saw nothing. I felt nothing. There was a chasm that could seemingly never be filled. Sex. Work. Money. Alcohol. Success. I gave them all a try. They all seemed as light as a feather at first, I floated through time and space with them, until gravity hit and they all sank, deeply, dissolving into this nothingness. At some point, I came to believe that they were all useless. They were merely filler, and the more I stuffed, the larger the problem became. I gave in, and gave up.In doing so, I thought I gave up on love.I was mistaken.I gave up what I thought I loved.I discovered there was no love in the places I’d been searching for years.One day, I went to look for that dustbin, with all the broken shards of my life in it.I was poor, I was sober, I was single, and I was happy.The dustbin was empty.I looked at myself once again. I saw everything. Me, you, sex, work, money, drugs, success, the past, the present and the future. All of it spiraling through me, a kaleidoscope of colors and light and memories, and I felt hope, for the first time in a very long time.I am becoming, love. I am becoming.