Vote to strike down Obamacare; note in his ruling that he, Thomas, and Scalia are thinking about retiring from the court to follow Journey around the country (Because that new singer is awesome! Like vintage Steve Perry!), so if you like this ruling, y’know, maybe you should consider who you want to be naming their replacements.

Preserve the reputation of the Court as a politically independent body

Vote to strike down Obamacare, so you don’t look like you’re wussing out in the face of a bombardment of liberal criticism.

Expand the taxing power of the federal government

Start showing up to work in a gold speedo and Mickey Mouse ears, or some other less destructive way to show that you’re insane.

Make it impossible for liberals to criticize future conservative court decisions

See above.

Make the consequences of elections vividly obvious to the country

Vote to uphold Obamacare without caveats; wipe butt with copy of the Constitution; say, “Enjoy your death panels, suckers!”; walk out of Court and get on helicopter bound for your retirement home in the Cayman Islands.