I brewed the IMB Kolsch lager. Followed all the directions to the T. Treated my brewbaby with the true care and attention all new brewbabies require. It tasted so good that on bottling day I drained the hose and bucket scrapings to drink. Now though, after two weeks in the dark at 70 degrees, the beer is clear but all of the bottles have comet streaks. Whats going on, is my brew ill? Have I lost my young brew forever?

What you are describing is where a surface accumulation or "pit" or indentation remains on the inside of the bottle. Yeast & proteins are settling from the top of the bottle down and has gotten hung up on this/these spot/s, then as mass increased some of the yeasts/proteins have spilled over the spot/s and continued sliding down the side of the bottle leaving streaks.

The next time, make extra sure your bottles are clean and hold them up to a bright light to see if they are scratched or pitted. If you are absolutely sure they are clean and this occurs again, throw out your bottles and replace them. The reason I recommend this is because over time they will be more and more difficult to clean and sanitize properly and will lead to infection.

By the way... Kolsch a lager ? A Kolsch is one of the few German ALES !

No doubt you've heard of our government's Department of Transportation (DOT) and Interstate Commerce Department and the ATF ? Well... they don't like it when I subvert three tier distribution systems by sending brews via mail... etc... The fine is BIG and I can't risk it !!! I lke my job too much and my pockets aren't deep !

Looks like you're just going to have to personally drive out and delivery us the goods then, Mesa.
Lemme know when you plan on heading out (I'm busy tomorrow, but Tuesday is good) and I'll forward my street address.
Hope you're not allergic to cats.