Spare if you will this morning a thought for Sir Frederick Anderson Goodwin, aka "Fred the Shred", and former big swinging dick down at the Royal Bank of Scotland.
Since Fred's fall from grace, precipitated by the collapse of RBS, the UK media has expended billions of column inches insisting he be stripped of his knighthood and …

you have to feel sorry for...

Comedy Genius!

"AFTER THE LOSS OF MY PRESTIGIOUS JOB MYSTERIOUSLY AS A RESULT OF POLITICAL INTERFERENCE BY GORDON BROWN"

...

"ALONG THE LINE, MY GOLDFISH DIED AND SINCE THEN THE BRITOSH GOVERNMENT HAS BEEN AFTER US"

...

"MY PET DOG, "WUFFLES"" (- the Lads are Pratchett fans?)

...

"I HAVE SUCCEEDED IN CARRYING THE FOUR METAL BOXES OUT OF THE COUNTRY..., TO A NEIGHBOURING COUNTRY (JERSEY)"

"THEREFORE, I NEED AN URGENT HELP FROM YOU AS A MAN OF GOD TO HELP GET THIS MONEY IN JERSEY TO YOUR COUNTRY." - Excellent, I'll get started now... wait a minute. Bring it *BACK* to the UK? That can't be a good idea...

Kudos to the Lads, I haven't had such a good laugh at their literature in a long time!

ahh

lol

This whole Fred thing highlights the hilarity of the situation.

When everything was good, Gordo and Chums (whilst ignoring suggestions that all may not be right with the world) fellated Sir Fred, even making him a Sir for services to banking. Gordo fully supported a hands off, eyes closed approach to the banking sector (all kicked off I do believe back when Clinton was around and started reducing a number of the powers and oversight put in place post great depression.)

I would argue that this hands off, eyes closed approach was what resulted in the various bankers replacing the cow Gordo and chums thought they were milking with a donkeys. The liquid they were getting was no longer milk, the teet no longer felt teet like, but gordo and chums kept on tugging in the knowledge that they were milking a cow, despite the sounds and textures to the contrary.

Becouse lets face it, give a guy a money printing machine and leave him alone with it for long enough he's gonna print money. First maybe he'll print a fiver and see if you nab him, then a tenner, then a few hundred quid, then he'll shrug his shoulders and start mass money printing.

What makes it all the more funny is even when the government decided to pay attention they still ended up giving him a huge pension. Genius. Then everyone is shocked when he goes "lol no f-you I ain't giving this back."

I just find it hard to put all the blame at the bankers doors. Everyone was in there printing as much money as they could and as long as it all looked good Gordo and Chums kept milking (no more boom and bust), only to open there eyes one day to find they're holding a donkeys dick and a bucket full of spunk.

Won't somebody think of poor Wuffles??

I must say that I am shocked and appaled at the terrible treatment Mr Goodwin has received from the Brotish Government.

It is bad enough that they persecute him in this way, but to detain, molest and freeze his pet dog is bang out of order. Particularly on the week that his goldfish died.. In fact are we certain that Gordon Brown didn't go round when he was out and poison it?

Thank goodness that the great country of Jersey has offerred him asylum. I hope they have room for poor little Wuffles too when he is eventually released and defrosted.

Lucky for Mr Goodwin that he has engaged the services of the illustrious Mr BELLO GAMBARI. Having done a quick search on Google it seems that Mr Gambari has plenty of experience in this type of situation. On the first page results alone I can see several different cases where he has provided a similar service involving four metal boxes full of cash. It looks like he even helped with the estate of the late president of Niger, so I am sure that if anyone can help Mr Goodwin keep his cash out of the hands of those evil Britosh it is him.

<wipes tears from eyes>

Scotland / England / Jersey / Browno

Scotland, England was a giveaway. The intimation that Jersey is another country is debatable (for the record: it's British, but not part of the UK). Personally, I refuse to accept that Wales and Scotland are separate nations. Damn that rugby tournament for pushing the idea!

I'm still very much surprised that Sir Fred hasn't come out and said "All right, Gordo. You lead us into this mess utterly ill-prepared after proclaiming the end of boom and bust, after racking up a huge public deficit, a massive private debt and the biggest housing bubble yet seen in the UK. I'll give back my pension if you resign and do the same..."

So a company is going under, it needs money, but it cannot sell its bonds to raise more money, the banks do not expect it to stay in business and will not lend it money, but the Bank of England will lend it this quantitative easing money.

If you were the CEO or Chairman of such a company, and received Bank of England money for your bonds, would you

a) find a way to turn the company around and go for the long term benefit of yourself and the company of staying in business (knowing that it will at best be a sick bed company burdened with debt) or

b) recognize that the money just delays the inevitable failure, and try to get as much out as possible in rewards and bonuses and retirement fees as possible now.

As soon as money starts being lent for non commercial reasons, there is no need to make a return on it, and so no reason to ensure value for money for it. It's a big trough with a lot of fat pigs about to feed big time on it.

Everyone in the company at board level will understand that option a) is a non starter, so nobody will object to all the noses in the trough as long as they get their nose in there too.

So expect to see a lot more similar oink oink stories resulting from this queasy money.

Re: Spoof

419 scum

Thats terrible - they molested and froze his pet dog wuffles.

It also goes to show, the criminals of this world do not have a single brain cell between them, Only a complete moron could assume a stupid british banker would put the money in boxes and in fact put DOLLARS in the boxes. then theres a vulnerable and easy prey which know it cant be true and so desperately want it to be true - who end up being destroyed by these 419 scum.

Its a good job the 419 thieving scum are not brighter - if they put as much effort into real work they might actually be good at something.

"Where ere ye be, let yer wind gang free." - Burns

"There are few more impressive sights in the world than a Scotsman on the make '. - J.M. Barrie.

And having made it, he will more than likely have his arse well and truly kicked by his resentful fellow countrymen for having the temerity to sod off and leave them behind in their dreich, rain-sodden little country while he swans off to the Bahamas.

“The finest sight a Scotsman sees is the high road to England” - Dr Johnson

And so it has proved to be, providing us with an export route along which we have channelled our paramilitary forces right into the heart of the City of London and even Westminster itself. So successful has been this strategy that without a single shot being fired the Scottish Mafiosi have been able to exploit the inherent greediness of their English neighbours and bring about the economic collapse of the Auld Enemy.

By way of restoring some balance to this diatribe, its fair to say that if Jacqui Smith's national surveillance database had been operational then obviously none of this would have been possible. Unfortunately the lady was too busy fiddling while Rome was burning.

My goodness!

An answer to Fred's huge pension rip-off.

Just give him his pension "pot" in RBS shares; theEXACT number of shares £8 million would have bought BEFORE he fcuked the bank up.

This immediately reduces his pension "pot" by 90% and saves that huge pile of steaming $hit Gordon from any further embarrassment; well, at least until the next skeleton falls out of the closet.(Probably in about an hour from now!!)

Bergerac

rate of exchange ..

$20,000,000 that's about three-and-six in old money, isn't it ?

For some reason my email address seems to attract this type of scam email by the dozen, but I haven't had this one yet. We should pick someone to forward all of them to ... maybe Gordon Brown ... anyone care to post an email address for him ? He seems to be able to print BILLIONS at the drop of a hat, so he could well manage to send money to ALL the scammers .... errrr ... isn't that exactly what he's doing already ?

Free Wuffles!

Very amusing

But the serious point here is that the government should be giving us the money so we can pay off our debts quickly and go out and spend.

Oh but wait, we're not donors to Labour, the Conservatives or the Liberal Democrats are we (well maybe some of us are but I doubt anyone would admit to doing so at the moment.) so while I'll admit we are all dependent on these institutions surviving it also benefits the political parties to allow Shred's ilk to prosper.

Maybe the Bank of England should start offering accounts to consumers as given the choice I'd be happier to bank with a nationalised bank.