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October 22, 2004

Justice Is Blind: Matters of Taste

Article III Groupie is embarrassed to see that almost a month has passed since the last edition of Justice Is Blind. So here is the latest crop of federal judicial blind items for your consideration:

1. The Hallways of Justice. This district court diva, who harbors delusions of grandeur, placed large stonework lions on either side of the door to her chambers. Her neighbor down the hall, an appeals court judge, found the lions absolutely ridiculous (and ugly to boot). Shortly thereafter, he placed two hideous, plastic pink flamingos flanking the entrance to his own chambers.

The district court diva took the hint. She removed her leonine decorations sua sponte, without waiting for the mandate to issue from the appellate court...

2. Law Suits: Pants v. Skirts. This blind and rather elderly judge, who has somewhat old-fashioned ideas about proper courtroom attire, vehemently believes it is improper for women lawyers to wear pantsuits. He has instructed his clerks to let him know when female attorneys are appearing before him in pantsuits, so he can reprimand them for their inappropriate dress.

A3G's initial, admittedly non-PC reaction, was: "What does he care--he's blind!" Upon further reflection, however, she came to the conclusion that he is just as entitled as any other judge to enforce his views concerning courtroom dress codes. (Perhaps the very thought of a woman in a pantsuit crossing the threshold of his courtroom causes him psychological injury.)

And now, a digression. Article III Groupie believes that pantsuits are entirely proper business attire for women, and she is glad she can wear them--dealing with hose can be a major pain! At the same time, however, A3G is probably more partial to skirt suits than the average woman of her age; skirt suits compose a relatively high percentage of A3G's wardrobe.

To be sure, pantsuits are much more comfortable and convenient than skirt suits. They're great to wear for an ordinary day at the office. But for major events, such as depositions or court appearances, A3G brings out the sartorial big guns. In her view, few figures within the world of litigation are more fearsome than a litigatrix clad in the full body armor of a well-tailored skirt suit.

When A3G enters a deposition room wearing her dark blue, Chanel-inspired skirt suit,* she feels like she owns the place. The other lawyers in the room may be tall, white male partners, ten or twenty years her senior, who earn hundreds of thousands more than she does. But when A3G strides into that room, her skirt suit revealing gym-toned calves shimmering beneath pale stockings, she thinks to herself: "Eat your hearts out, boys. You ain't got nothing on me!"

3. Somebody Needs His Meds... This East Coast trial judge has major mood swings and fickle tastes in draftsmanship. One day he complimented his law clerk for preparing an "excellent" facts section for an opinion. A few days later, the judge physically threw the same pages of the opinion at his clerk, calling him "psychologically inept" (whatever that means), and yelling, "How would you like to have your name attached to this piece of [expletive omitted]?" Later that day, the judge announced a lunchtime outing for the chambers staff. But assuming the role of Wicked Judicial Stepmother, he pointedly told Cinderella Clerk, "You should probably stay behind, so you can work on that opinion..."

On another occasion, Judge and Clerk had an exchange along the following lines:

"I don't like the two-part test in this section of the opinion. Get rid of it," said Judge.

"Judge, it's the test set forth by the Supreme Court," Clerk replied. "And the Second Circuit applied this test in [X v. Y]."

"Oooh, the Second Circuit... And who wrote that opinion?"

"Judge [so-and-so]."

"What does he know? He's never practiced a day in his life!"

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Thanks to the contributors of these blind items from the undersigned--who has practiced law for far too many days, and billed far too many hours, in her life...

*No, it's not an actual Chanel suit (neither vintage nor Karl Lagerfeld). But, despite its lack of a marquee designer's name, it's A3G's favorite suit. It just looks great on her, better than many other suits of hers with fancier labels.