2016 Golden Globes Red Carpet, Part 1

A sapphire queen took to the red carpet at the Golden Globes, and Bryce Dallas Howard was her name. While most stars wear dresses on loan from a variety of designers, Bryce actually went to Neiman Marcus and paid for her dress – just like us, if we could afford a multi-thousand-dollar Jenny Packham gown!

Bryce therefore won the night for a variety of reasons: 1) jewel tones were in, and she wore the best one; 2) she looked better than the stars who were working as advertising for designers that loaned them gowns; and 3) she was honest about the fact that she bought her dress in a store because Hollywood stylists/designers don’t provide enough options for a size six. A size SIX, for God’s sake, which is not plus-size anywhere in the universe outside the boundaries of Hollywood. So with one gown, Bryce went from “you know, the one who looks like Jessica Chastain but is actually Ron Howard’s daughter” to “sapphire queen who is taking down the size-ist celebrity fashion industry one magnificent dress at a time.” To that, I bow down.

Runner-Up: JENNIFER LAWRENCEgown by Christian Dior, collar by Chopard

Photo: Jason Merritt/Getty

Girlfriend may have straight-up stolen Amy Schumer’s Golden Globe – I mean, we get it, Jennifer Lawrence is awesome in David O. Russell movies, can we award other people now? – but she looked damn good doing it. Cut-outs have been done to death this year, so special kudos to this gown for making them feel not just fresh, but futuristic. The silhouette expertly walks that tightrope between weird and classically beautiful, and the diamond bib is just the fucking greatest. And that hair deserves a close-up:

Photo: Kevin Winter/Getty

Gorgeous.

Honorable Mention: ALICIA VIKANDERgown by Louis Vuitton

Photo: Kevork Djansezian/Getty

Just because something is a touch on the apron side doesn’t mean it can’t also be great. I think the vertical stripes and the belt do a lot to counteract the ruffled shoulders, which is where I think most of the apron references are stemming from. But if that doesn’t sell you, maybe another angle will:

Photo: Jordan Strauss/AP

I truly love this. Alicia Vikander has had a crazy-fabulous year (expect her to make her March Fabness debut this spring), and she’s showing no signs of stopping.

HELEN MIRRENgown by Badgley Mischka

Photo: David Fisher/Rex/Shutterstock

And this is why everyone on earth wants to fuck Helen Mirren.

EVA GREENgown by Elie Saab

Photo: Getty

Not sold on the styling, but the dress is positively delicious. She looks like she’s some sort of mutant mermaid who has halfway transformed into a seashell.

This is probably my favorite dress Melissa has ever worn, so I was pretty impressed to learn that she designed it herself. I knew she was getting started in fashion design, but I didn’t know that she’s been accepted to FIT and basically killing it in the plus-sized fashion world. I think she should have gone with silver rather than black for the shoes, but that’s probably my biggest critique. Loving this fabric on her.

LADY GAGAgown by Versace

Photo: Jason Merritt/Getty

That particular shade of platinum blonde makes her look a tad on the sickly side, but it was nice to see some quiet glamour from the woman who once hatched out of an egg on a red carpet. It has some of her signature drama – the exaggerated hips – but the off-shoulder silhouette was on-trend, and the neckline is just beautiful on her.

I love hearing a Golden-Globe-winning Cookie yell, “Get off my cape!” as much as the next girl – maybe more, actually – but a woman this dynamite should bring a little more creativity to her wardrobe. But at least she gave one of the most delightful acceptance speeches ever.

I actually don’t mind this dress – though I’m still torn on whether the color is a dream or a nightmare – but I think the styling is what ruins it for me. The hair and makeup lack the romance and drama of the dress, making it look like America photoshopped this outfit onto her floating head.

AMY SCHUMERgown by Prabal Gurung

Photo: John Shearer/Getty

Not exactly revolutionary, but OF COURSE Amy Schumer is a girl who knows the value of a gown with pockets.

UZO ADUBAgown by Talbot Runhof

Photo: Steve Granitz/WireImage

She’s basically my favorite human, but I couldn’t work up much excitement over this gown. In a color, this might have blown my mind, but alas.

OLIVIA PALERMOgown by Delpozo

Photo: John Shearer/Getty

None of us know why Olivia Palermo was at the Golden Globes, and based on this outfit, I’m thinking she may have actually shown up to the wrong event by accident. I’m not saying a girl has to wear a gown to an awards show – I actually wish more ladies opted for fabulous tuxedos at formal events – but if you’re going cocktail-length, it better be a formal-ass cocktail dress. This? This is barely dressy enough for a film premiere.

EMILIA CLARKEgown by Valentino

A caped Khaleesi should be a recipe for success – as we all know, Khaleesi is the queen of going-out tops – but this left me wanting so much more.

EMMY ROSSUM gown by Armani Privé, jewelry by Van Cleef

Photo: Jim Smeal/BEI/Shutterstock

Two words:

ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEYgown by Atelier Versace

Photo: David Fisher/Rex/Shutterstock

That blousy little tank top just makes me want to cry. Combine that with the fringe above the knees and the unfinished, too-long hemline, and this dress actually might be falling apart at the seams.

LESLIE MANN gown by Monique Lhuillier, purse by Tyler Alexander

Photo: Getty

For anyone who wants to look as if they have one lone extra-wide low-hanging breast, have I got the gown for you!

ZOE KAZANgown by Miu Miu, jewelry by Chanel

Photo: John Shearer/WireImage

If you’re trying this hard to not be seen on the red carpet, maybe you should just stay home.

JASON SUDEIKIS

Photo: Buckner/Variety/Rex/Shutterstock

Women are in five-inch stilettos and double-sided tape and three pairs of spanx, and Jason Sudeikis can’t be bothered to wait until after the red carpet to throw on his running shoes. Want to have more fun with your fashion, Jason? Believe it or not, there is no law that requires you to wear a black tuxedo to this event. You could wear a print, or even – gasp! – a COLOR if you dared. Instead, you took the little boy approach, and I have only one response to that: