Wednesday, November 28, 2012

"Wednesday" spelled backwards is "Yadsendew." Think about it.

Once in awhile, people ask me questions electronically. This is because I'm so approachable electronically. Recently, the most common questions have been, in reverse order of frequency:

3) Why do you suck so much at everything you do?

Look, I don't know, I just do. What do you want from me?

2) How do you tell the weather from inside now that you've moved and no longer have a view of the ursine man who's always smoking on his fire escape?

Easy, I study the hue and volume of the exhaust fumes emanating from the luxury cars as they drop off children at the elite prep school on the corner. Or, if it's a weekend, I just throw cash out the window to determine how windy it is.

(I just figured out you can embed Tweets, coincidentally just after I figured out what "embed" means.)

I've probably said it before because I repeat myself endlessly and I'll say it again because I repeat myself endlessly: don't come visit New York City and waste your time in bike shops. This is not to say I have anything against hardworking bike shop proprietors. Quite the contrary--I hope they all make a million billion zillion dollars. It's just that, as a gigantic bike dork, I know how important it is to take a break once in awhile from being a gigantic bike dork, and visiting one of the greatest cities in the world is a perfect opportunity to do just that. Seriously, just give it a rest. Go to a museum. Go to the theee-ay-ter. Go eat some of that spicy food that the "ethnics" are so good at making. Go to a trendy bar and rob some hipsters, who are the only group in New York City more haplessly inept than the tourists.

Nevertheless, I do acknowledge that a great city's "bike culture" is worthy of some degree of exploration. The problem is that there's only so much you're going to learn by standing around in a bike shop and watching the staff service New York City's disgusting overabundance of filthy rich Freds. (Or, increasingly, New York City's disgusting overabundance of haplessly inept hipsters.) Therefore, I think what the city needs is a Museum of Cycling, a place where bike dork tourists can satisfy their curiosity in a single visit. In fact, I may open just such a place, since thanks to Obama's liberal regime the government is handing out cultural endowments and grants like Mario Cipollini hands out herpes:

By the way, speaking of grants, this portrait was commissioned by the US government and paid for with taxpayer funds:

Some might say that $500,000 is a bit much, but I say that America now has its Mona Lisa.

So right, the museum. Well, once the funding comes through and I get that loft in West Chelsea, I'm first going to buy that Cipo portrait for a million dollars. Then, I'm going to curate (which doesn't require quotes around it for once) such permanent installations as:

Badass Food Delivery Bikes

It's not a truly badass New York City food delivery bike unless the motocross fender is "slammed" against the saddle rails.

This exhibit will feature all the accomplished professionals who used New York City's stultifying round-and-round-Central-and-Prospect-Parks racing scene as their springboard to the elite ranks of competitive cycling. GFOATS include George Hincapie, George Hincapie, and various other dopers you've long since forgotten if you've even heard of them in the first place.

The Hall of Byrne

The consummate New York City cyclist, David Byrne does not own a car, nor does he own a car, and this exhibit will be dedicated to his many contributions to New York City bicycle culture, including an exhaustive retrospective of his whimsical bike racks:

With a typical u-lock you can just about secure the bike by the front wheel only. Now that's good design.

Not only that, but Byrne has committed to designing my museum's bike racks, and he promises they'll be his most impractical designs yet. Here's an early sketch he sent me on a cocktail napkin:

An elegantly minimalist sweeping arch, he calls it the "Steal Me."

Oh, there's also going to be one more permanent exhibit:

The Sleep-Inducing Bicycle Historian Who Constantly Reminds You That There Used To Be Six-Day Races At Madison Square Garden

Did you know there used to be six-day races at Madison Square Park? Sure you did, people bring it up constantly. And what does that mean? Absolutely nothing. There also used to be a cholera epidemic. Track racing is not coming back. Get with it already.

Anyway, obviously there will also be changing exhibitions that are more in tune with the zeitgeist, and the first one will probably be a series of photographic portraiture called "Ass Cracks Across the Williamsburg Bridge."

Moving on, I find myself moving on in life, by which I mean I'm confronting the fact that I'm getting to be an old fuddy-duddy with an uninteresting lifestyle. This realization creeps up on people in various ways. Some people never realize it. Other people realize it when they discover they need a toupé. (I don't need a toupé, I just stick the hair that collects in the shower drain to my cranium with soap scum.) Still others realize it when they figure out that they need Viagra. (I don't need Viagra since I don't have genitals.) As for me, I realized it when I suddenly discovered I badly wanted a folding bike:

I haven't actually gotten a folding bike yet, but I think it's only a matter of time, and that's a scary notion to contemplate. The thing is, due to geography and new travel requirements I want to be able to get on and off of different trains and stuff yet still have a bike with me, and so all of a sudden I find myself exploring a contraption about which I know little. So, like any consumer, I find myself studying manufacturer websites:

I guess you could say I'm under "life pressures," assuming you consider shopping for a folding bike a life pressure. I'm also under economic pressure, in that I live underneath a gigantic mountain of money and huge amounts of cash do weigh a lot. However, I'm under no environmental pressure whatsoever, since I don't care what my crabon toof pirnt is, nor do I worry about the cost of gas, since even though I OWN A CAR I burn very little gas with it. Really, I have only two concerns, which are as follows:

1) Which folding bike should I get?

and

2) Where can I get a bear suit to wear while riding it?

Feel free to offer answers to one, both, or none of these questions in the comments.

Well you can do what you want Wildcat but now that I'm entering my dotage I too fancy a folder. I'm going with the Brompton if for no other reason I like British humor you know Python, graham norton, BBC. And the fact that most of the greatest classic rock bands came from that place. I like the new James Bond movie but I haven't seen it yet.

I think you've actually suggested a way out of this middle-aged crisis (was it just me, or did I read "middle age crisis" all over this post?). Anyway, to the point: You can make your own bear suit by digging hair out of your shower drain and attaching it to your body with soap scum...

Get a Bike Friday. Made in the USA. BF even makes custom tandems. You could buy a stretch one for you to ride with your 17 children. I don't even know what you would call an 18 person tandem (assuming the missus would ride with).

Snob, if you decide on a Brompton, you can have mine, since I don't want to ride the same bike as someone who sucks so bad. You may as well take my bear costume too. Good luck washing out the rank Canadian smell of genuine bear combined with rank Canadian cyclist - or maybe it's just me.

I swear to God just yesterday I was telling the Maintenance Supervisor (we share an office) about the Madisons and he did the Wickedpedia and turned and said "Why the fuck would anyone in their right mind want to ride a bike for 6 days?"

After further contemplation I have to say that I do like the straight main tube of the Dahon Speed P8. Some may like the elegant arch of the other Dahons and brompton I'm not so sure myself anymore.

As far as the strida goes it is an intriguing design and looks to fold super easy but I think triangles are best left as that ringy thing the percussionists play and of course my favorite shape of a 20 year old girlfriend's pubic trim.

Snobby - as one of the retrogrouches on this site, I recommend only one folding bike - the 1972 Raleigh Twenty. I know where you can get one for $100. It will cost about $500,000,000 to upgrade it but after 6 months work you will have an amazing bike.

Hmm, let me see... So far Snob has the IOJB a.k.a. the Sacattante, if I'm not mistaken, that other SS Mt. Bike that I can't remember the make of, the Smugness flotilla, the Van Ritte and the 'travel' Surly cross x check with the SS couplers, plus maybe one or two others that we don't know about.

Now he's considering a folding bike, though technically the 'travel' Surly folds AND he wants a bear suit eventhough he already has a perfectly fine chicken suit.

"We see animals as partners and not as a means of gratification. We don't force them to do anything. Animals are much easier to understand than women," Mr Kiok claimed.

Wow. And I find it amusing that the group who advocates for sex with animals is called ZETA. I wonder if there are any women members. I would like to think so. Hmm, maybe this is why Snob really wants the bear suit...

Re's1) The red Ferrari folding bike with Gruber Assist.2) After Christmas the circus leaves town and there's lots of junk left lying around. You might get lucky.3) Yes, if no one sees your penis I think it's technically legal to masturbate inside the bear/clown suit. Just stay away from children.

Bromptons are cool, they fold and unfold quickly once you figure out the correct order, designed specifically for working with transit, you can get the cool Brompton Oratory jacket for only $400, but the one thing I don't like is the gearing. The six speed takes double shifts all the way through to go in order. They ought to do the 8 speed Nexus hub or something similar, they'd have themsevles quite a bike.

My girlfriend used a Dahon for two years before switching to a Brompton. While it is much, much more expensive, it is also much, much better.

It rides more comfortably and folds neater. In fact, I have bought one myself. Quite the machine, really. We're going touring with it in a few weeks. Check out The Path Less Pedaled for others who have done so.

A folding bike? seriously? next thing you know you'll be shopping for a recumbant. Don't do it, you don't really need it. Just take the subway on those rare occassions (like once a year) when you actually need a bike that you can foldup and carry around with you.

Definitely go for a Moulton first, then a Bike Friday, a Tern is a pretty sweet folder too. Brompton is kind of overdone. And a Dahon is just too pedestrian, in that it will break and you'll have to walk

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...& because there have been SO many requests for MORE info about the old 6-day races in nyc, i've some to share...

...the great american wordsmith henry miller, he of a writing style that broke new ground in it's day by including social construct, philosophy, mysticism & eroticism all propped up like a finely shaped mons venus on a surrealistic pillow, just happened to be a badass cyclist...

...later in his career, in paris, he was known to pedal the banks of the seine with the lovely anais nin before he prayed at 'le cathedral de mons veneris'...

...but i digress...

...born in manhatton, miller took to the 'mean streets' of nyc on his velo as a young man & surely any newly paved boulevard covered in horse poop would be considered "mean", ya ???...

...in the days when racing cyclists went as fast as the early motorcyclists, the track men trained behind tandems, triples & even larger machines to utilize the greater speed, like motorpacing today...

...henry miller was one such rider who manned the training rigs in central park so that the stars of 6-day could maintain their 'supplesse'...

...miller wrote a delightful short story at the time describing how he keep a number of his fixed gear bikes in his apartment & that his friends were welcome to ride any of them but one...

...he had that special bike, a 6-day track racer given to him by one of the stars of "le madison du l'americain" & whoa be it to the man who put his hands on that machine...

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding! Unless you are riding a folding bike, which is ok, but if you start breaking it down in front of me and force me to watch sidewalk folding porn I swear to God I will stab you in the neck with an inkpen.

Brompton because they're British and sponsor the world folding bike championships (best bike race ever).

The wife and I considered folding bikes when we moved to Brighton and the closest T is the green line, which are really just streetcars, not a proper train at all. No bikes allowed, except for folders, and they're right to say so since the streetcars are narrow as hell and have stairs in them.

I occasionally try to get a folding bike subsidized by my insurance company by riding my regular bike (that is to say my only bike) to the streetcar station and leaving it chained up all day. Sure would be nice to have a ride on the other end too, though.

I read something by Henry Miller wherein he described working for Western Union...W.U was essentially a bike messenger service in New York. Miller worked his way up to dispatcher, before heading off to France.

35 mi distance out and back x 5 mph wind x 75/80 degrees Fairengrade x solo x He Pulled Out So No Chamois Discomfort= What avg MPH? Ballpark it. (2 water bottles and I will adjust for BigASS RockStar SunGlasses)

When selecting a folding bike you should consider how wheel size will affect the characteristics of the ride. For example, 20 inch wheels roll over obstacles more easily than 16 inch wheels due to the lower approach angle and greater angular momentum of the "20 Incher". 20 inch wheels also provide a longer tyre contact patch and therefore better traction. On the other hand, 16 inch wheels can be built lighter and stronger, will accelerate quicker and can be accommodated within the physical constraints of folding bike frame geometries more easily. Also worth consideration is the inbetweener sized wheel called the "355F" (the F is for Fred), which is considered by some to offer the best all round performance.

I'm very disappointed that neither Snob, his handful of loyal readers, or his legion of comment bots have yet pointed out that the Cipo portrait is... an oil painting. C'mon, talk about low hanging oil bearing olive fruit.

Mr. Bike Snob, so you find yourself becoming an old fuddy-duddy with an uninteresting lifestyle. My first go round led to a red Bike E recumbent and now I too am contemplating the purchase of a folding bicycle. I have test ridden Bike Friday and lower end Dahons and the Bike Friday is awesome. It actually rides like a real bike.

Mr. Bike Snob, speaking of recumbents, I just viewed the video “One month Tour of Italy on a folding bike.” The hero of the story buys what appears to be a department store version of a Dahon, modifies it, and commences to tour Italy. For the most part: a nice video. He, to his credit, leaves in the part where he is happily riding around the perfect pedaling streets of Venice, wondering why there are no other cyclists, when someone stops him and tells him he’s rude (Italian for illegal). You got it, Venice slams both car and bike culture. What are they thinking?

Anon 4:25 nailed it. I love my BRoMPToN (douchey, pretentious way to type Brompton) but I rarely ride it. As for Moulton, you'll be standing on the platform forever, trying to separate it and carrying it on the train in two pieces. For your intended purpose, nothing compares to a Brompton's fold and still rides decent. Stridas are for:

1. riding distances you can easily walk but want to drag a bike around with you2. guys who can console themselves that at least they're married to a sex maniac with killer calves 3. total dorks4. people who want the ultimate circus bear look without the costume5. possibly 2 & 3 combined

I have three Dahons - they ride very well, use standard components, are easy to service and a great value for money. There is also Tern - the family feud break-away competitor. They are quick bikes. (freds can't catch my mu sl)

It's important to assess your usage when deciding... just needing to jam it in the closet or get on a crowded train, for instance. If the latter a Brompton or more compact Dahon are good choices. Many other folders are great bikes, but more designed for touring and sticking in planes etc.

At least with a Brompton you won't be struggling under that great weight of cash, poor babe. And you don't mind spending a little longer setting it up, do you? Never mind that the genius beside you is WHEELING his Strida around the train station while you have to lug yours around. It's a bit like Darwinism in action. BOOO-yeah, sukkas.

McFly - As a girl I don't have to park my balls, BUT around these mountainous parts my average speed is usually around about 23 km/hr, or 14 mi/hr.

Um, and I ALWAYS want to accelerate, esp off the start, to get in front of traffic, if nothing else, even on a Strida.

Badass is as badass does, right? I'm pretty sure I qualify for lots of good reasons. :)

Mr. Bike Snob, It is nice to know there is life in this here party while discussing BIKES, even if it is folding bikes. I guess folding bikes have more fans than one would immagine. Could it be that folding bikes are actually bike porn to some people. Imagine that.

I agree with ce. All things being equal (= you can afford whatever you want), ride quality vs. fold size is a top question. The Brommie's fold is hard to beat and it's certainly a pretty little contraption, but i find it's a harsh and twitchy ride compared to a 20" wheel with 2.0" wide tires. I also like the greater variety of options offered by Bike Friday over the proprietary nature of Brompton bits and pieces and configurations.

I've ridden my low-end 20" Dahon folder over many many many "terrestrial units" in the last few years and it's never been particularly impressive in any way other than the fact that I've been able to keep it functional for this long.

Stretching out the discussion until a freebie is offered will simplify the decision, but who knows, after that budnitz debacle and all...

The perfect foldie: Start with a Brompton. Rip off the two gear shifters. Replace with a single twist shifter.Tear off the derailleur. Replace with an 8 speed internal gear hub. Bite off the screw fasteners on the frame hinge and handlebar post. Replace with quick-release levers. Keep the EZ wheels-great for portaging.Forgo the obscenely priced Brompton carry bag and substitute a 59 cent Ikea shopping bag. Attach a miniature plastic airplane to the handlebars. The propeller will turn when you ride (chicks love this).

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!