Rachel's Intro

The Rachelorette has begun! As much as I want to dislike Rachel and think there must be some way she's known about this plan since the beginning of Nick's season, she is SO damn charming. And I'm not just saying that because they completely overdo her intro sequence by showing us a trillion likability shots of her laughing, spinning around in circles, and dancing through town like she's beginning Beauty and the Beast...

I'm sassy, yet it's a familiar, non-threatening sassiness that is still approachable to the heartland.

That feeling when you haven't eaten in months and it's about to start raining champagne and abs.

There's a quick shot of her "practicing law" but then don't worry we're right back to dancing.

A CUTE INJURED PUPPY?! I'M ALREADY WON OVER ABC YOU DIDN'T NEED TO DO THIS. Does Rachel get to take him on this journey?! Yes, I now know it's a him and his name is Copper and there's already several Twitter accounts for him and we're in love.

Positive-Attributes-Renaissance-woman Rachel can even throw a basketball somewhere!!!

HAHA did you think I'm just a girly girl?! You fool. I can play sports too! I'm a super bangable girl that can also hang with the boys!

Contestant Backgrounds

The first contestant background we get is Alex, the salamander-eater. I'm not sure this bodes well for her suitors. He talks about how he loves to work out.

This guy must be JUST a meathead! Just like his hoodie is hiding nothing gross!

BUT THEN, Alex reveals how he's actually also "a nerd"!!!!! He benchpresses a book and then presents a completed Rubix cube.

NERD ALERT!!!

Mohit shows us how he loves to Bollywood dance. Next, a raging, coked-out sociopath named Lucas introduces himself as a "Whaboom!" He doesn't really explain it but he does scare a squirrel, tackle a man, and sing. He seizes up in his confessional.

Someone tell Lucas doing a shit-ton of cocaine is a hobby, not a job.

He seizes up in a yard.

Yes, you can even do bath salts outside!

His stomach seizes.

On what fucking planet is this guy on a level REMOTELY near Rachel?!

The "Aspiring Drummer" Blake E., talks about how he fucks and how he has a great dick. He lifts up two women on the beach to demonstrate this.

I have a great dick! Just ask these two aspiring groupies!

Diggy confesses that he has a crippling shopping problem and owns 575 pairs of sneakers.

Josiah, the prosecuting attorney, tells a horrible childhood story of how he found his brother who had killed himself, which sent him on a path of juvenile crime. It's a major bummer but he tells everyone it's OK because he eventually because an attorney to help other troubled youths.

Previous Bachelor Contestants Reunite

Instead of the tradition of the previous Bachelorettes giving the new Bachelorette advice, they bring back the other contestants Rachel competed with on Nick's season. I actually like this better.

Oh, Honey! I'm going ride your coattails into Paradise and beyond!

The ladies cheers to being Rachel's Bridesmaids which is probably in her contract if ABC foots the bill for Rachel's wedding. Dolphin Alexis tells her to not judge anyone if they come in a costume and Rachel pretends for a hot second she would be cool settling for the male version of Alexis.

Russian Kristina looks HOT AS HELL. Silent Whitney finally justifies why she's there by giving Rachel a "warning from a friend" about DeMario. Too bad DeMario is that level of hotness that surpasses warnings. Tiffany Trump gives Rachel nonsensical advice about who to pick.

Is he allergic to whipped cream? NOPE. Does he hate bouncy castles? NOPE. Loves bouncy castles but cannot stay hard carrying you in one AND bouncing? NOPE NOPE NOPE!

I forgot how dumb Raven is. She starts crying?? She IS now the most famous person from her town just for being a contestant so I guess the idea of actually being the chosen lead of this show would rock her to her core.

THIS COULD'VE BEEN ME IF SOCIAL PROGRESS WAS A TAD SLOWER!

Limo Arrivals

Peter is hot but wears a strange suit and for some reason thinks being from Wisconsin is extremely endearing. Josiah leaves his conversation with Rachel by saying, "See you later litigator."

Bryan is Colombian and speaks Spanish to her. He wears a red pocket square to subconsciously indicate to her and Bachelor Nation that he's already won a rose. Rachel is smitten: "I like trouble." Uh oh.

I know that you can't understand what I'm saying right now but you're eating it up. I'm from Florida. I have the affect and physicality of a football player who also murders. Yeah I'm definitely weirdly into backs. Mujer hermosa!

Wrestler Kenny has her do this.

Do you hear it now? We've hit the wavelength that heals the nation!

Diggy, the Senior Inventory Analyst, tells Rachel he's going to teach her "how to Diggy." Remember from that guy who had that song? My name sort of sounds similar to that.

Also here to take inventory of your shoes.

​Brady, the model, sledgehammers a block of ice to "break the ice". Rachel says she likes corny.

I've seen this show before. You have no IDEA how low my expectations were. I saw Rated R run away through bushes with a full-leg cast for having a secret girlfriend. I saw Kasey get the Guard and Protect your heart tattoo. I saw Mad Chad black out and threaten to murder everyone. And these were some of these women's BEST options.

The four that Rachel initially met at After The Final Rose all come out.

Dean doubles down on his stupid joke and asks Rachel what she thought of him saying "once I go black I won't go back." Rachel says she thought it was cute. FOR REAL RACH??? DeMario calls himself the "number one seed in the bracket... Imma win." Aspiring Blake E. comes out with a marching band. He says he was trying to "redeem himself after an awkward introduction." It's weird that they've gotten feedback already from Bachelor Nation and adjusted. HE STICKS HIS TONGUE OUT. ADJUSTMENT FAILED.

WAZZUUUUPPPPP?! Yeah, I know. Rockstar, right?!

Ugh Rachel appears to outwardly love it.

Fred comes out super serious and shows Rachel his elementary school yearbook. He was in 3rd grade and reveals her 8th grade picture. Rachel: "He was a very bad kid." HAHA.

Jonathan comes out and he is CREEPY AS HELL despite having such a non-creepy-sounding job and hometown: "Tickle Monster from New Smyrna Beach, FL."

Hiya! I'm an evil mannequin come to life!

JONATHAN TICKLES HER!!! EWWW!!!

This should be illegal honestly.

Lee, the Nashville songwriter, sings her a song but sounds like he's gasping for air.

Alex vacuums his way in, calling back Rachel's intro sequence in The Bachelor where she danced around her apartment.

I brought you a symbol of domesticity for when you need to suck up my stray salamander shards!

Milton takes a selfie with her and then MAKES A GROWLING NOISE AT HER.

THIS SHOULD ALSO BE ILLEGAL.

​Adam brings a creepy fucking doll with him that he calls Little Adam. Blake K.: "That's almost as bad as tickling her."

Matt dressed up as a penguin: "I'm gonna waddle right into her heart."

It would be true Bachelor tradition if he dressed like this and insisted he was a crow.

Grant, the Emergency Physician arrives in an ambulance.Anthony is a drip.Jack Stone threatens her that she "better" come talk to him inside.Jedidiah: "When Jacob met Rachel, he wept."

Cool dude. Nice to meet you too.

Mike Black: "The blacker the brownie the sweeter the dude."Someone: "There's a lot of fly dudes."DeMario: "Which one of y'all the crazy one?"​Suddenly, a lunatic screams through a megaphone from within the limo: "195 pounds of pure lean muscle mass. Also has one testicle larger than the other which of course is completely normal. Your future husband!" ​

The psycho cokehead Whaboom emerges!

We've only seen two scenes of him but I can say with 100% certainty that he has poisoned little children on Halloween. Whaboom SCREAMS at Rachel's face to give her a "glimpse of Whaboom". Rachel: "That's just a glimpse?"

Demario: "That's the crazy one." The group reacts to their flyness ratio lowering.

Someone describes meeting Rachel as "meeting a Disney princess" and confirms my theory of how they framed her intro. DeMario's confessional: "She's so sexy, can I say that?" I'VE ALREADY FALLEN FOR DEMARIO'S TRICKS.

Cocktail Party

Rachel enters the fray and gives her opening speech.

The dudes get pissed that Josiah grabs Rachel first. He gets part of his sob story out immediately and Rachel tells him, "I love full circle stories."Josiah explains to the guys: "Y'all boys was over here lollygagging and laughing." He keeps bragging about how he's going to win. There's something unstable but endearing about him.

Dean loves the beach and wants to build a sand castle with Rachel. Then he says he's never built one??? Dean says one true thing: "She's absolutely out of my league."

One guy gives her a draft card with her face on it. Someone has posed the creepy doll AJ with a glass of champagne.

The amount of effort required to make the champagne glass stay there negates any amount that this is funny.

Adam then chats with Rachel while AJ records every second.

Oh yeah, sure. His hair's real. It took me a while to grow it out. I thought about donating to Locks of Love but AJ actually brings more collective joy you know?

To escalate this, AJ of course has his own confessional and inexplicably only speaks French.

Bryan makes Rachel say she likes him the most in Spanish. He aggressively makes out with her. Rachel's confessional: "I did not want to kiss anybody tonight but boy did I love it!" Ugh she's so charming and I'm so scared of the fucked up shit these tools are gonna do.

Whaboom screams and "falls" over the sofa. Someone: "He's a nutcase. Did you guys drug test?"

When you realize you left your last baggy of coke in the limo.

Whaboom starts narrating Rachel's one-on-one time with other dudes through the megaphone at Rachel. Rachel and the dudes just ignore him. The things you just have to go through to find love.Aspiring Blake's confessional: "Lucas is like the guy at the family reunion that pinches your nipples and puts a whoopee cushion under you."

You know how every family reunion you go to, your nips are just GONNA get twisted mad hard by someone?

Milton GROWLS at Rachel again. Aspiring Blake confronts a wasted Whaboom about being there for the wrong reasons.Whaboom: "Everyone has a little Whaboom in them"Aspiring Blake deadpans: "I have no Whaboom in me."Wrestler Kenny to Rachel: "I'm the Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King." Rachel grabs the first impression rose.