This was my 10th visit, she's been really great, but tonight she seemed to turn the table a bit and it pixxed me the eff off!

She told me that it could have been so much worse, that it was just sex and cheating is rampant...etc. etc. etc. I'm assuming her thought process was to "put things in perspective" for me, but instead it upset me a great deal. I couldn't hold it together, was shaking, like I had to prove that despite the fact that he didn't love AP and despite the fact that he didn't leave me for her I AM STILL SO EFFING DEVASTATED.

Our MC pulled something similar a couple of months ago. I called her out on it. I was very upset. WTF says stuff like that? It just makes you feel, EVEN MORE, like you did not do anything wrong yet you are being punished (and no one else is).

I had a therapist that had this approach about other things, this was well before the cheating. His point was to reframe things. I do not think that therapists that approach infidelity in a trauma/PTSD way have that view. It would be invalidating of the trauma. Might be time to question the iC on their view of trauma.

Always did hate the "just sex" phrase. Like sex ISN'T something deeply special and intimate.

Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 4207 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California

Nohopeleft♀ 40356Member # 40356

Posted: 8:48 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013

I had a counselor say something similar to me. I do think it is their way of trying to put things into perspective. Mine said something along the lines of "at least he wasn't emotionally involved"

He may not have been emotionally involved but he's cheated on me through our entire relationship! How am I supposed to be relieved about no emotional involvement.

I think unless they've been through it personally, they have no idea how to relate, they only have what they might think it would be like. In those cases I think they are better keeping their mouths shut.

Wow, hearing this makes me appreciate so much more my IC who would never let those words flow from her mouth.

It is as if she is trying to minimize in an attempt to make you feel better...that's terrible.

it could have been so much worse

Obviously, she has never had a cheating H.

In contrast, my IC stated:

"The only thing worse is dealing with the death of a child"

You have no obligation to stay with this IC. If you don't feel that she is experienced with infidelity you may want to find someone else.

ME: 57 BS
HIM: 64 WH
Married: 32 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 6 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.

Posts: 2435 | Registered: Nov 2011

Dreamboat♀ 10506Member # 10506

Posted: 6:46 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013

(((hugs)))

That is like telling someone who has had a leg amputated that it could have been worse, it could have been both hands and both feet.... How is that helpful in your healing? You still have to learn to live without one leg!

Cheating is betrayal. Sure it could have been worse, but one you are betrayed that line has been crossed and it does not matter that someone else has been betrayed in a different way that an outsider thinks is "worse"

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)

plainpain♀ 40139Member # 40139

Posted: 8:00 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013

I told my daughter's psychologist about my H's affair because it was obviously impacting family dynamics. Her response? 'This is why people should take affairs to their grave. They relieve themselves of pain and put it onto the other person'. I thought that was bizarre, since I was 'happy' to finally FINALLY have the truth about my own M. She was in the midst of a D, and I would suspect that there was an A involved in there somewhere for her. I don't know if therapists are fully able to separate out their own experiences from those of the people they are counseling.

I do tell myself often, 'Well, at least he didn't A, B, C'. I can do that - nobody else is allowed to do that on my behalf. It's dismissive. Only I am allowed to say what is a better/worse scenario for me. He frickin' gave her the sweater I bought him. Explain why that hurts more than knowing she gave him a BJ. Well, at least he didn't actually like her? Whatever. I ironed the shirts that he wore for his 'dates'. At least he wasn't emotionally involved? Well, he sure as heck wasn't 'emotionally involved' with me at the time, and he was still effing me, too.

Me: Believer, 40s
Him: Liar, 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R. It only hurts now when it rains.

Posts: 865 | Registered: Jul 2013

nowiknow23♀ 33226Member # 33226

Posted: 8:08 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013

OldCow -

You have every right to be angry/hurt/outraged/disgusted by that. I can only imagine how shocking it must have been.

Were you able to express to her how/why that was so upsetting?

You can call me NIK

And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane

Posts: 40181 | Registered: Aug 2011

painpaingoaway♀ 27196Member # 27196

Posted: 8:08 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013

Oldcow, (God I hate calling you that), I know just how you feel. Our first MC said several things equally stupid. We dumped him.
(((Oldcow18)))

At least he wasn't emotionally involved? Well, he sure as heck wasn't 'emotionally involved' with me at the time, and he was still effing me, too.

^^this^^ "At least he didn't love her" .... well, he sure as shit didn't love me either while he sexted her night after night while I cooked his dinner or sat beside him on the couch. He didn't love me while they had their hands all over eachother each day at the office. And he sure didn't love me while making a video of himself masturbating for her in my bed. PLEASE.

You know, I was so surprised, and I go so upset and flustered that I didn't really explain to her why what she said was so upsetting, but I think we are going to have to discuss it next time and I will have to make a decision to stay with her or leave. She has also been in the "don't ask for details" camp, although I stressed to her how that wasn't going to work for me.

There's reframing and there's minimizing. And your IC's "it was just sex and could have been so much worse" is minimizing.

I agree with the previous poster who suggested you explore her approach to trauma.

I could not stay in the care of someone who did not view infidelity as a trauma---and one NOT to be minimized.

("Just sex" is pretty fraught with danger these days, and "could have been worse" really discounts the BS's feelings of, "Wow---s/he was willing to risk EVERYTHING, including my health and life, for 'just sex' s/he claimed was meaningless! If it was meaningless, what does that make me?")

[This message edited by solus sto at 8:55 AM, August 23rd (Friday)]

BS-me, 55; WX-irrelevant
Divorced after an eternity
"So much for the past and present. The future is called 'perhaps,' which is the only possible thing to call the future. And the important thing is not to let that scare you." Tenn

Posts: 15246 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest

TrustGone♀ 36654Member # 36654

Posted: 8:55 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013

I don't think this IC of yours has any idea of the devastation of an A to the BS. With what you have said, I would find another IC. I personally do not use an IC for this very reason. I know what I feel and do not want anyone else to try and minimize it, rug sweep it, or tell me what I need to do to heal. I already know that it will take time and alot of it for me to reclaim what is mine in my own mind. I don't need an IC for that. I am sure there are some really good IC's out there, but from what I have read on here alot of them don't have a clue.

BS-54 XWH#2-No longer my monkey
M-11yrs LTA-5yrs Divorced 8/15
"A person is either an asset or a lesson"
"Changing who you are with does not change who you are"

Posts: 8797 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas

Camalus♂ 40199Member # 40199

Posted: 9:34 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013

I’m a newbie at this and maybe shouldn’t chime in but this struck a chord with something my IC told me this week.

She was explaining the different types of affairs. She said all types are devastating to a marriage and especially to the betrayed spouse.

But she also said it is often more difficult to pull a wayward spouse back to reality from an EA or an EA that had just recently turned into a PA.

Maybe that was what your therapist was trying to say and just worded it very poorly.

It would have pissed me off also

Me–BS age 61
Her -- WS age 59
Married for 34 years
One child, 30yrs

Her 'A' 1994(?) through 1998
D-Day 7/4/2013 Yes, I didn't find out for almost 15 years... but the pain is just as bad as if she were with him last week.