Life in the borderland

January 03, 2004

Life has become too task driven. It seems to be driven by "things to be done", "to do" lists, tasks! I have become task-oriented. I feel a constant need to accomplish something, get something done. I am pausing to understand why.

However, while I am pausing, I am also asking myself that even when there are things to be done, projects to be completed, events to be planned - a house to be built, a vacation to be planned, a dinner to be hosted I can dream. Start every task or project with a dream, a dream of what I want it to be like. So, if I want to go on a vacation, I'll start by dreaming and asking myself what I want it to be like, what I want it to feel like, what sensation I want to experience and be left with at the end of it. If I didn’t pause to dream, I would ask myself the usual logistical questions of how long I want the vacation to be, how much vacation time I have, what do I want to do, what is there to do in the place I am going to go to, who can travel with me, how much will it cost and so on. And before I know it, the vacation will be designed based on what is possible and not what is desired. Same goes for if I were to build a house. I would start by dreaming of the kind of space I want to live in, how I will move through it, where I will want to spend most of my time, where I tend to spend most of my team - I want to build a vision of the home before diving into the logistics of what is possible.

Dreaming brings us closer to our true feelings and we live by feelings and sensations rather than being driven by external factors and logistics of what is possible. When we dream, we do more than what is possible.

I want to dream and live by my feelings for all events, activities - big and small.

(No, I don’t think I will dream about how I want to do my laundary :-) I will however dream about how I want to spend a weekend evening!)

January 02, 2004

I was reminded of a story from the Song of the Bird that I had heard a long time ago. Here's how it goes -

Two Buddist monks, on their way to the monastery, found an exceedingly beautiful woman at the riverbank. Like them, she wished to cross the river, but the water was too high. So one of the monks lifted her onto his back and carried her across.

His fellow monk was thoroughly scandalized. For two hours he berated him on his negligence in keeping the rule: Had he forgotten he was a monk? How did he dare touch a woman? And worse, carry her across the river? What would people say? Had he brought their holy religion into disrepute? And so on.

The offending monk patiently listened to the never-ending sermon. Finally, he broke in with "Brother, I dropped that woman at the river. Are you still carrying her?".

The story is followed with an addendum from the arab mystic Abu Hassan Bushanja. He says, "The act of sinning is much less harmful than the desire and thought of it. It is one thing for the body to indulge in a pleasurable act for a moment, and an entirely different think for the mind and heart to chew on it endlessly." Each time I chew on the sins of others, I suspect the chewing gives me more pleasure than the sinning gives the sinner.

From me ... I wonder why …

I think its because when a sin is committed, the people around the sinner, feel a need to re-evaluate and judge the sin to determine how it fits with their own sense of morality. Our sense of right and wrong is shaped by what behavior we allow of ourselves. And what behavior we allow for ourselves is mostly guided by what behavior we allow for others. For example, if I think its ok for Bill Clinton to have an affair with an intern, it also in some way it means that I think its ok for me to do the same. It is only the very strong and clear thinking that don’t derive their sense of morality from the actions of others and society at large. They determine their sense of morality from their own experiences and what makes them comfortable with themselves.

In keeping with my theme of "Being myself", I am seeking my own sense of peace and morality for myself.