Posts Tagged ‘sex’

I hate Valentine’s Day. What bullshit. Another Hallmark holiday designed to make every single person feel inadequate. What they show on the TV is fiction; what you read about in books, is fiction. The forced joviality, the forced romantic behavior, the flowers, the cards, the candy. And how horrible you are supposed to feel if you’re not a recipient.

This, however sums it up for me:

“Unless it is mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it is a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love should not be one of them.”

Isn’t that what happened in the affair? Isn’t that we are all looking for? If there isn’t that passion, then what’s the point? But it’s not b-movie passion. It’s the passion of life – of love making, of talking, of sleeping, of fighting and then making up. A friend of mine once said that sick babies don’t cry and sick relationships are quiet. She was right.

On February 13 a friend of mine posted the following on FB 2/13: “I just wanna give a big shout out to all the ladies who can’t call their “boyfriend” after 7. Can’t visit him at work unless they call 2 days in advance. Or don’t even know his home phone number. Today is your day.” I called him today to chat, and he proceeded to tell me that there is even a restaurant in my neighborhood that specializes in pre- Valentine’s day dinners for the OW/OM with clear instructions not to say anything to the guests should they return the following day, Valentine’s day, wearing their wedding bands, with their spouse.

In February, I didn’t see my BF/xMM for all 4 weeks – because our work/life/children schedules had collided. It put a strain on me. I was angry about it. The longest time that we went without seeing each other was after no-contact/d-day – from 12/9-3/18. So I ruminate. I wish I could flip a switch and turn my stupid brain off. Right now I’m angry that he lives far away; I’m angry that he has an inconvenient visitation schedule; I’m angry that he’s traveling for work. I’m just about ready to explode. So I did. My back went out. It was bound to happen. My chiropracter has a very hollistic approach to health & wellness and she looked at me yesterday and said, “that was the straw that broke your back.” There is only so much you can continue to carry around. I sat in her office and cried. I’m feeling sorry for myself and can’t shake it.

The worst part about being in a relationship, is that you tend to take out your ugliest feelings on the people closest to you. Damn, I’ve been a bitch, a bear, a misery. I can’t get out of my own way. I’ve always been an optimist but for the first time in my life, I’m seeing the glass as half empty, and rapidly emptying.

March has been a bit better, but not by much. I laid into BF/xMM a couple of weeks ago (again) when I told him that when I see him all he does is complain he’s tired. (Not too tired for sex, but for everything else.) I told him that he manages to travel and entertain for work and stay out late, but when he’s with me, we cook or order in and go to the movies. I’ve seen more movies in the past 6 months than in the past 40+ years! I lost my shit and told him that he treats me like . . . drumroll please . . . like his wife (or worse – like his ex-wife.) That was a slap in the face. (2P and RBM – can you think of anything more insulting? or numbing?) Isn’t that a slap across the face? It was fairly ferocious on my part. I haven’t made plans to go out with friends, buy tickets for anything because I don’t want to hear him complain. It infuriates me! And worse. Makes me want to . . . You know the rest.

Be careful what you wish for. You just might get it.

Just needed to vent. Reach out. Pour a drink and do some reading. I have a long evening ahead of me.

I haven’t written for quite some time. I have continued to read (AOW, 2P, RBM, SS, Morgan, etc.) I have been most taken by the comments and blogs that relive the affair, d-day, no-contact, recovery, failure, and on the cycle goes. The ‘aha’ moment came for me when someone wrote that the writing causes us to continually relive the pain and prevents us from moving on and away. Likewise, in order to get past the pain, we need to relive it and all of the unanswered and unanswerable questions that we have.

Unlike so many of my blogging friends, I have been unable to delete the old emails or shut down the pseudonym accounts. I have not been able to delete the ‘saved chats’ that Google stores up. I have not been able to throw away the hand written, but unsent, letters to MM during the period of no-contact. I never shut down my blog and on occasion, I read my old posts.

Unlike so many of my blogging friends, my MM and his w are divorced and he and I are a “couple.” It has been almost 2 years (22 days shy of the full 2 years) since that D-Day, December 9, 2009 – since I got the email from MM’s W saying “Hi – I know about you and my husband.” It has been a long road. MM and I talked at length, about my need to get past the pain of no-contact, about his efforts to “work on his marriage” during that time, taking his w to mexico for her birthday, to his company’s holiday party, to posting pictures of her on his Facebook page while telling me he loved me, needed me, wanted to be with me but that I should be patient. There are times when my anger, to this day, is larger than life, and all I want to do is beat him up – so I yell, storm off, get sullen. And he lets me. He says he understands.

What I have learned from MM is that when caught between a rock and a hard place, most MM will retreat into the familiar, the comfort zone rather than jump off a cliff. The fear that no one will be standing there waiting to catch them is paralyzing. When I asked my ex-H for a divorce, I came to the realization that I would rather be alone and poor for the rest of my life than spend one more minute with him. And mind you, we had a perfectly comfortable life – 2 homes, 2 beautiful children in private school, 3 cars, luxurious vacations several times a year, savings accounts, material objects galore. Yet I wasn’t happy. It didn’t make me happy. It was financially comfortable, but ever day I woke up I felt like I had sold my soul. I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t getting any younger. I wasn’t setting a good example for my children. I was a lousy role model. The discomfort had to end. And so I ended it. MM could have stayed in his loveless, sexless, miserable marriage forever. It was comfortable. (Sound familiar 2P?) As a funny anecdote, MM, a/k/a my boyfriend and I were having a silly disagreement and I offhandedly told him that if he continued what he was doing there would be no sex. To which he replied that was no threat, in fact he could go years without it and had the history to prove it. While that was funny, it was also quite telling and ultimately very sad. Why would anyone want to live like that?

I have a dear friend who is dying of cancer. It is heartbreaking to watch the disease eat this vibrant, beautiful woman up leaving little more than a shell. We were out to lunch and she was telling me about what a burden her husband has become and how incapable he is of taking care of her, helping her, supporting her. He doesn’t even go with her to doctor appointments. He’s not working. He has locked himself in the master bedroom; she sleeps downstairs. He wont cook, clean or help with the household. She spends as much time out of the house as possible – going to the gym, out to the lunch, to the movies, out of town, with friends. I asked her why she doesn’t tell her H to get out. The fire burned in her eyes when she told me that she has told him to get out, that she filed for divorce 2 times, but didn’t follow through, and as she looked at me across the table told me she would rather be alone than have him in her home but is now too weak to move him out. Of course I offered to pack his shit and throw him out for her. She laughed and said he was too heavy for me. I told her to come to me and my older kid offered to give up her room for her. She’s not going to leave now. But how sad for her. She doesn’t get a do-over at the end, to be happy.

BF (f/k/a MM) and I were having dinner a couple of weeks ago. We were talking about his kids, his ex-w and a problem at school. He stopped and said that most people refer to the “fog of the affair” yet when he reviews his life to date, he feels that the fog was his marriage – his self-deception was his life with his ex-W. It is difficult for him to come these realizations; the musings frighten him. He punishes himself for losing those years and wonders what he was thinking. His ex-W has been wonderfully obliging – consistently proving him right. She has trespassed on his property (having his landlord open the door to his house so she could find “some papers”); she forged his name on legal documents; she refuses to take her kids to therapist appointments, help them with their homework, encourage attendance at school. She has proved him right at every turn. He has told me horrible stories of her past behavior when they were married. – She was fired from a job when she was pregnant, yet never revealed the reason. Imagine how egregious her actions must have been that a company believed they had a stronger case in firing her, than a pregnant woman would have against her former employers. (Needless to say she never sued them.) – She changed a neighbor’s home listing on-line, never telling them, giving her an ‘edge’ in the marketplace. The stories are incredible. Yet, if it weren’t for me, for our ‘affair’, he would have done nothing. He just simply shut himself down.

We had dinner with some of his college friend his past summer. They live in Germany now. The wife said some very interesting things. She said that no one liked MM’s ex-W yet didn’t want to say anything to him – after all, it was his choice, they were his friends and they would support him (or not). The second thing was that when she heard he had an affair she thought – good for him and that he’s really not capable of having an affair, whoever the AP is, means more than that to him. MM/BF was stunned. Everyone but him knew about his ex-W, but no one told him; everyone knew that he wasn’t capable of having affair yet he believes that he was wrong. Worse, was that he was weak and would have done nothing to extricate himself from a life in which he was simply going through the motions.

So, almost 2 years after d-day, BF and his kids are coming to my town to celebrate Thanksgiving with me and my kids.

It’s been about a month or so since last I wrote. Funny how time flies or stands still depending on where you are. I remember when I was in the thick of my affair, the time I spent with MM would fly by, yet days would drag until we saw each other next. Time seemed to stand completely still after d-day. Every minute that I didn’t hear from him seemed a lifetime, ever day an eternity, until a week had gone by, a month.

My ex-MM/BF took his 10 year old daughter to her school’s father-daughter dance 2 weeks ago. He was talking to one of the other fathers while the girls “group danced” with each other. The other father said to him that it was probably the biggest collection of people in one room who couldn’t stand their spouses but were too lazy to do anything about it. MM told me that he responded, rather superciliously, that he found that sad and that he replied that he was determined to not be one of them. My, how well he can re-write history! My oh my, how willing he was to be one of them! How sad and depressed he was when he realized that he wasn’t going to be one of them! He then pondered aloud to this father, how sad it would be to live such an unfulfilling life and what do these people do when they are empty-nesters. I speculated that they’ve already lived such separate lives to that point, that nothing much changes.

We talked about a man that we know who has been married to the same woman for more than 20 years, who refers to his wife as a room-mate. Yup, that’s what happens. That guy goes out to dinner with “colleagues” and friends all the time and leaves the “Mrs.” at home. And when he is home, he’s having a bottle of wine, a cigar, a glass of cognac and TV. I have no doubt that he’s had a number of affairs and may have even been in love with a few of them, but always returned home, to his empty, hollow, life. Why? I recently read another blogger’s posting and he hit the nail on the head when he said “comfortably numb” is the existence you have. I think that’s sad. I’ve always thought that was sad. It goes hand in hand with the notion that “inaction is as much a choice as action.”

Of course my marriage was not anywhere close to “comfortably numb.” It was excruciating and coming to the decision that I would rather be alone and poor, than spend 1 more second with him was a difficult but necessary one. My AFFAIRS made my marriage “bearable” or “comfortably numb.” Maybe that’s what they do – make a mediocre or bad situation tolerable. Without those affairs, what does everyone have? A spouse that they don’t much care for? That they are no longer, if ever, connected to? Someone they married at a time in their lives because that was the “right thing” to do and what everyone else expected? What lessons do we teach our children? I, for one, would never take the moral high ground. The one thing I can say for sure is that when I cheated on my ex-H, it made me feel alive, loved, wanted, beautiful, desirable. It was an escape from the rotten marriage. It “enabled” me to continue in it because all of my needs were being met elsewhere and my ex-h made a good living.

As the OW, my affair helped me get over a bad period in my life – ending my marriage. What happened was I hadn’t expected to fall in love with my MM, just use him for sex, use him for the way he made me feel and then move on.

My ex-MM/BF and I were driving from his home to my home on Saturday. I was so tired, I had to close my eyes. We were talking about his unfailing need to “always do right” by everyone, that he’s a pleaser and I was so sick and tired of this conversation that I told him: Yeah, you wanted to do right by everyone but me. And he replied: By everyone but ME. I was surprised to hear him say that. He then said, that today, he is a completely different person than he was a year + ago. He then said, through therapy, counseling, reading and me, he has changed. But then he said something to the effect that if his ex-W hadn’t found his blackberry with all of our texts, it is possible that we wouldn’t be together now as he had been incapable of “hurting” anyone, but that he couldn’t fathom that everyone could in fact survive and thrive if he ended his marriage. Funny, I reminded him that at our last in person conversation before d-day, I told him that I was done with our relationship, yes, I would let it peter out, but having signed my divorce papers I was going to focus on meeting someone who was available to me – that essentially MM had served his purposes and I was done. He then asked if we could be friends, to which I laughed and said no. He then told me that he loves me, wants to be with me but his kids are young, his house is “under water,” he’s unemployed (we all know the drill and litany of excuses). I told him that I didn’t care what his excuses were and that if I were around when he sorted everything out, then I would be there and if not, too bad for him. He asked me what he should do. He asked me whether I was asking him to leave his wife. I said – I’m not going to tell you what to do; I’m telling you what I’m GOING to do. Then, 4 days later, we’re chatting on Skype, he’s wearing headphones so he can’t hear anything around him, and loudly proclaims that he loves me, misses me and can’t wait to see me. “Unbeknownst to him” his mother in law is in the hall eavesdropping, tells her daughter that she suspects MM is having an affair and then . . . we’re off to the races. I told MM as we were driving in the car, that he exploded his life. He couldn’t be honest with his W then, or the year before, or the year before that and tell her that he wanted to leave, that he was in love with someone else, BUT he didn’t want to lose me and knew that I was preparing to leave him. So, he swallowed a grenade. ****Kaboom**** Shit flew everywhere and decisions were made that didn’t involve him. In his fear at what he had done, he retreated. And yet, he was never remorseful. Yes, he wrote that letter. Yes, he told me we couldn’t speak. Yes, he “unfriended” me. Yes, he took my call. Yes, he called me and called me and emailed me and told me he loves. Until . . .

Well, here we are today. I’ve read lots of my cyber friends’ blogs talking about deleting emails, texts, etc., from their x-MM/MW/AP and while I have even given that advice, CAN’T DO IT. And I read them, re-read them and re-re-read them. Will someone come to my home and press “delete”? The worst part is how horrible I feel when I read them. How stupid I feel. How used. And the list goes on. The worst part is how they conjure up the hurt all over again. The unanswered questions, the pleading, fighting, suppressed anger. I’m right there all over again. Like deja vu. 🙂

So – flash forward to Valentine’s Day. And yes, I’ve read everyone else’s accounting. Man, I burn for you all. My anger is raw, unrestrained for you all. When will I stop seeing myself as the “OW” but as the girlfriend? The significant other? The partner? And maybe, if I can tolerate it, the wife?

We went to an “intimacy workshop” for couples. And it wasn’t about sex, but about connecting, becoming and staying more connected. The class was given by someone ex-MM/BF knows as a Dojo but who is schooled in other far east schoolings and his partner happens to be a tantra goddess. What he said was without trust you can’t have intimacy. I froze. The “exercise” was to look into your partner’s eyes and radiate the feelings of love you have. I leaned over and asked my ex-MM/BF: “Does Sensei know about us? How we met? How we came to be? Where you were? Where you’ve come from?” And he said: Yes. Trust. So elusive. A word we all throw around without thinking. TRUST. Do I trust him? That’s HUGE!!!!!!!!!!!! As I re-re-read my old emails between me and MM, the word “trust” comes up all the time. After d-day, the texts and emails talk about “trust” – specifically – do I trust him to do the right thing by me? Do I trust that we are ‘meant to be?’; do I trust that our love is strong enough to get over the obstacles that might confront us?

Funny, that word. Trust.

I had affairs during my marriage. Trust. I needed those affairs because I had a shitty marriage. I needed those affairs to help me get over the humps of my life. Some were emotional. Some were physical. And some were both. I had this last affair with MM because I needed HIM. Trust. He had an affair. Trust. He sent me a no contact letter. Trust? And we talked about trusting each other, trusting our feelings, etc. Trust. It’s something we always talk about but something that’s so elusive/

MM and I fell in love during the tenure of his marriage. Trust

He followed the wishes of his “now ex-W” and there was no contact. Trust

He hurt me. Trust

I wonder if I can get past it.

We spoke last night. I’ve been writing this post for days – starting and stopping; reading and re-reading it and my old emails, chats, texts, etc. It puts me in a horrible mood. I’m afraid to hit the “delete” button and don’t know why. And I told him that last night. What angered me, and what has been bubbling in my brain is that he’s going to Florida to see his parents instead of spending the extra time with me. What angered me was that he doesn’t defend me to them, that he acts as if I don’t exist when he’s there, that they act as if I don’t exist. His response was that he’s had this relationship with them his whole life, and pre-dated me, and he can’t change it. I was furious – I told him that of course he can change it, he just choose not to. You’re an adult, I told him, act like one. If your parents can’t be respectful of you, what is it you hope to get from them? And if you can’t defend me to them, then I don’t want a relationship with you. I refuse to be a secret. And make no mistake, I told him, I wont stick around.

MM has an interim separation agreement and is working on the first draft of his final divorce agreement. He had conciliation (like mediation) and court last week and he and his soon-to-be-ex-wife reached an agreement. I can’t believe it. A little more than a year ago, (376 days ago, but who’s counting) as I’ve been blogging, was d-day; 12/14/09 was the last day we spoke until January 21, 2010. I can’t believe what has transpired in a year. I can’t believe when I think of that time, it STILL takes my breath away and I can’t breathe. I still can’t believe the hurt and yet, MM had conciliation on Monday, December 13 and then drove 4 hours to come to see me. We were together on 12/14 and I thought about where we were last year . . . but I said nothing.

We’ve been talking about Christmas and New Year’s eve. He has agreed with his w that she would have the kids for Thanksgiving and he would have them for Christmas – starting Christmas eve through the end of the week. He has asked me to bring my kids to his state for the Christmas. I’ve waffled about it especially because my kids are tepid to cold on the idea. He called me Wednesday, after his shrink appointment, to tell me that his therapist thinks it’s not a good idea. There is certainly a part of me that agrees but I was angry. We talked about it and I got angrier. We decided to wait until we were together this past weekend to discuss it further. He had mentioned, as I previously blogged, that he was considering going to his parents in Florida for either Christmas or New Year’s which engendered some bad feelings from me. I tried, unsuccessfully to keep them at bay. The reason: historically MM, his W and kids would go to Florida from the day after Christmas (which happens to be his birthday) until New Year’s day. Since 2007 we have emailed, texted, spoke while he was there and I was in my hometown. Last year, he was “exiled” to Florida – without w or kids for 2 or 3 weeks (we still haven’t talked about what happened, and not sure when/if we will) and yet, he couldn’t/didn’t speak, email or text me while he was there. I emailed him; I texted him. My phone was blocked; my emails were blocked. I want to vomit when I think about that time and how I felt.

Finally, we are able to be together on his birthday and on New Year’s and he’s talking to me about FLORIDA!!!!!! He’s telling me that he agrees with his therapist and Christmas isn’t good so he’s going to Florida!!!! No discussion about his birthday, no discussion about meeting his kids, no discussion about how we’re going to do that. Oh yeah – he thinks that sometime in January he’s going to bring his kids to my home and stay for the weekend. That’s how he is going to introduce us. ARE YOU KIDDING?!?!?! I wanted to slap him. I wanted to use his head for baseball practice. I wanted him to leave; to walk away from me; to never see him again. And for some reason, my brain lacked a filter and I told him that. I am angry and hurt. My kids know him. He stays in my apartment, he’s vacationed with us, he spent Thanksgiving with us and his kids know what about me? Nothing. Zero. Zip. Nada. He said that his therapist said that the kids would feel badly if they saw that he had a relationship with my kids. I cut him off and told him that he has no relationship with my kids – they know him, they tolerate his presence, they can co-exist but he doesn’t have a “relationship” with either one of them. It wasn’t nice of me to say, but it is true. It was also mean and hurtful for me to say it. He said to me later, in a quiet voice, that he would like to have a relationship with my kids and would I help him develop one. It broke my heart. I felt that I had won, but at the price of being vicious and cruel. Sometimes I don’t know when to stop myself.

He told me that we only get one chance to make a good impression with his kids and he wants to do it the right way. I told him, that no matter what he hopes, I have no illusion that between his soon-to-be-ex-wife and her mother, that the kids will not want to be around me, will not respect me and will forever think of me as the reason why their parents got divorced. I’m the whore, the bad guy, the reason. I also told him that his reluctance to introduce me or talk to his kids about me, makes me wonder whether he and I are going to have a relationship down the road. The biggest reason not to introduce someone to your kids (and believe me I researched this up the ying yang) is that they might not be there in 6 months. Where the hell am I going? If I stuck around this long, where am I going to be in 6 months or a year from now? My best friend asked me today if I thought that I was going to marry MM, that there is no doubt in her mind that he wants to marry me, be with me forever, but I have never said the same about him. Why is that? Am I scared to do it or do I think that “marriage” and “forever” are best left for fairy tales? Meeting his kids puts me in the “forever” category. I get that. It’s not that I’ve wanted to meet them as much as I’ve wanted MM to ASK me to meet them, to beg me to meet them, to set up a meeting without me nagging. It’s not the same when you have to ask.

I know that things haven’t been ideal and now we are here – the holiday season – again. What I want is to get rid of the bad memories that are plaguing me this time of year. So many have blogged about the holidays – when you are the “other” you don’t get that time. Now I’m not the “other,” I’m actually the partner and I still feel like the “other.” While I don’t think that this is a good time to meet his kids, I want to have been asked. I wanted him to want me to meet them. I’m angry or sad that whether he did or didn’t, he said nothing until I pushed him.

I spoke to MM tonight. He has his kids. They’re both sick. His soon-t0-be-ex-wife has enrolled them in an after school program for 2 days a week at an exorbitant cost of over $1000/month. Now they’re sick. MM picked them up this afternoon and brought them to his house. He was whining that the kids are “home sick” and the home is going to be sold in less than a month. His daughter complained that the tree wasn’t big enough and not as big as the one that “mom got.” The ornaments are the old ones, and mom got new ones. So MM is sad. Depressed. And lucky me, he shares it. That’s a bit tongue in cheek – I’m glad he shares it but angry that he thinks I can be sympathetic all the time. It taps me out. It’s taking its toll on me. I can’t listen to it all the time. I don’t want to hear it anymore. I’m tired. The fight that we always have is that he sees the glass as half empty and I see it as half full. You chose how you live your life. You can choose to be happy or to be sad. He seems to make a choice that sucks the life out of me. I’m tired. Tired of always being on the receiving end of his questioning, his gloom, his sadness. I want him to call me and say, while today was hard, it was worthwhile; that he’s excited about the future, as difficult as it’s going to be. As Dr. Kelso (“Scrubs”) said: Nothing worth having is easy. And as Andrew Carnegie is accredited with saying: Anything in life worth having, is worth working for.

MM went to Florida to “stay” with his parents to think about his bad behavior and how he would feel if he were divorced. He was punished. His w punished him when she found out about us. She punished me when she found out about us.

I spoke with MM the day after d-day – what should he do, what should he say, what he was telling w about me, about us, about our relationship.

I told him not to go to Florida. He went.

I told him to speak to a lawyer so he would have a realistic idea of what “being divorced” was all about it. He went to Florida and didn’t call a lawyer.

He told me the lies he was telling his W about our relationship and asked me, that should she call me again, to corroborate them. He went to Florida, he didn’t call a lawyer and she didn’t call me again.

He called me 4 days later and then he didn’t call me again.

He went to Florida, he didn’t call a lawyer; he asked me to lie for him; he disconnected me on Facebook, business networks; he blocked my cell phone & telephone numbers, my ip address from his computer.

He asked me to be patient. He told me he missed me.

He came home; took his w to his company’s holiday party and stayed in the hotel we always stayed at; took his family to Florida in February and fucked his wife for the first time ever; and called me and texted me and told me that he loves me, misses me, needs me.

He went to marriage counseling; he told me he was trying to reconcile/to fix things at home, to fix things with everyone – but me.

He & his w sent me an email telling me that “I’m sorry I hurt you. However comma I love my wife and my family.”

He made plans to be with me then took his wife to the Caribbean for her birthday 3 days before our meeting.

He didn’t want to hurt anyone. He hurt me.

366 days after d-day and MM is getting divorced.

366 days after d-day MM went to the police to file a complaint against his w for menacing and threatening to hurt him.

366 days after d-day, MM’s w has herpes.

366 days after d-day MM has a new home that he calls “ours.”

366 days after d-day MM and I have spent my birthday together, Thanksgiving together and have planned to spend Christmas and New Year’s together.

366 days after d-day, MM isn’t wearing a wedding band.

366 days after d-day I feel that there are some issues that we still need to address; that there are still questions and unresolved hurt; that I’m still owed some apologies.

366 days after d-day is completely different than I thought it was going to be the day after d-day.

I have a friend who works in a hospital helping addicted people – mostly teens, but anyone with an addiction. The other night we spoke about heroine, methadone and what it does to quiet the need for other. My understanding is that methadone quiets the receptors that call for the heroine, thereby diminishing the need/urge/addiction. I asked my friend that if we can quiet those receptors in the brain, why we can’t use methadone to help other addictions. For example someone addicted to alcohol, or shopping or food or going to the gym or is in love with a MM? Why if we can use methadone to quite the “needy” receptors in someone’s brain and cause them to refrain from shooting heroin, couldn’t we find something to, let’s say, quiet the brain’s need to be in love with a married man?

My MM has kept me up to speed on every single gory detail about his divorce. I know that I’ve written about that, but it never ceases to amaze me. I know about the discovery demands and responses, the deposition testimony, the acrimony about dividing up the personal property and on and on and on.

There’s something interesting in a relationship with a MM (and I don’t mean boyfriend.) While we, the OW, accept their position as married, from my perspective I didn’t find the ugly green monster of jealousy rise too much to the surface. Every once in a while it would bother me. In fact, for the most of my relationship with MM, I didn’t ask him whether he and his w were having sex. I didn’t want to think about it and so I didn’t ask. I knew that it was infrequent, if at all and he told me more than once that he was more married to me that way, than to her. I remember him telling me the last time he and his w had sex was in October 2008. That when she would initiate, he would say he was tired or something. I wasn’t having sex with anyone else during that time – but went out on dates, kissed, held hands, thought about it, but nothing further.

MM was in town for business this week. I have the flu. So off he went to work, and I stayed in bed. He has left some clothes here, some papers, some toiletries – to establish an existence here while he prepares to move out of his house and into a new home – like a dual residency. He empties out his suitcase and puts his stuff in drawers in my home. He put his bag on the window sill and I went to move it to close the window and noticed that there was “stuff” inside the bag. It turned out to be papers, folders of his legal/matrimonial action. I’ve seen all of the documents – he has forwarded everything to me. Except the deposition transcript. Which was in the bag. Which screamed at me to read it. So, whether I should have or shouldn’t have, I did. And I didn’t like what I read. While I knew he was questioned extensively about the infamous apology letter he wrote to his w, during his exile, I didn’t know how much effort he put into “fixing” his marriage, making it work, atoning for the sins of his affair, apologizing for putting his family at risk and everything he loves (none of it was me, of course) and how very stupid and selfish he was, how very much he loves his w more than anything. What I learned was that he took her to the holiday party at his new company (from which he has since been fired) and stayed at the same hotel that he and I would stay in when I would come to his town; that he brought her on a business trip to another state that he had ASKED ME TO GO WITH HIM TO, in February 2010, that up until July or August, he and his w would share a bottle of wine. That a month before the deposition (in September) he was still, albeit rarely, continuing to look at on-line pornography/women. But the one thing that I saw, shoved into the transcript was a piece of paper with his hand written notes, detailing all of the sexless vacations they had and how even when they were intimate, there was no connection, that whenever they would go south to stay with his parents they NEVER had sex EXCEPT THIS PAST FEBRUARY 2010, DURING OUR NO-CONTACT PERIOD. Actually, it was worse than that – he had been emailing me and calling me and then, out of the blue, he told me that he had to think things through but that I was complicating things and he needed to do this on his own. That was the week he was down south with his parents, fucking his wife. I can’t get it out of my head. I can’t stop thinking about it. I’m so angry I could explode.

I went and re-read emails that we were exchanging during that “no contact” period of time. Almost every email started with “I hope you will forgive me for the way I behaved” or “I’m sorry that I hurt you and realize how much I love you, need you and want to be with you” or “I don’t want you to resent me for what I have to go through, but I’m doing this so that I can be stronger” or “I don’t want to resent you for doing something that I’m not ready to do” or “I’m sorry for . . . .” Ironically, he wrote a multi-page email telling his wife how sorry he was for the “stupid mistake” he made by falling in love with me.

What I know about MM and what I have since learned about him are as follows:

1. He’s weak – he does what everyone tells him to do (except me, of course)

2. He’s a pleaser – he wants everyone to like him and he can’t stand when anyone is angry with him

3. He’s not as a smart as I thought or as well-rounded as I thought – but, on the upside he seems more amenable to changing than I thought he would be

4. He’s weak

5. He is insecure

6. He is naive and childlike

7. He doesn’t have a very good head for business, but can retain a tremendous amount of information

8. He’s weak

9. He’s cheap – but I wonder if that’s (a) because he was married and couldn’t spend his money on me or else she would find out; (b) has been unemployed since June; or (c) because that’s just what he is.

10. He’s unimaginative in bed. He’s a good lover but uninspiring.

11. He’s a liar – aren’t all MM who have affairs, liars? Don’t they have to live double lives in order to be with someone other than their wives, their families. Why would I think that if he could lie to his w for all those years, that I’m the only one that he’s honest with. What a big ego I must have to think that way. How delusional I must be to think that way. How addicted I must be to think that way. I wonder if I were to get an injection of methadone, whether that would help the receptors in my brain behave more clearly.

For all the OW out there, what you THINK you want is a fantasy. The reality is not what you want. It’s always more of the same.

What we think: Be a good OW and he will love me more; want to be with me more; will leave his W for me. The big question is WHERE ARE YOU IN ALL OF THIS??? It’s not about him!! It’s about you!!! What do YOU want? What will make YOU happy? Who gives a shit about him!! How do we all come to lose ourselves in the process? Why do we think what he wants matters??? For goodness sakes ladies, enough of the self pity.

There are several truths:
1. Be careful what you wish for

2. Life is long

3. The grass is NOT always greener on the other side

4. Be true to yourself, first and foremost.

For all the OW out there in the midst of “no contact” or pining away for their MM – hear me loud and clear –he is human, he is fallible, he is not what you think he is. All the secrets you kept from him, during the course of your relationship, were kept for a reason – because he couldn’t be there for you. Not just because he was/is married, but because he is incapable of being there for you. He is selfish. He is is egomaniacal. He is all about himself. It was not about you. It was never about you. It was about him; his needs; his wants; his desires. And you fulfilled every last one. Did you ever once let him know what you were REALLY thinking? REALLY feeling? What you really want? Did you get into bed without shaving your legs? Without brushing your teeth? Did you take off your make up? Did you wear your “comfortable” under garments? Were you ever your REAL self??? Ever????? If I were a betting woman, I would say, I don’t think so. Did you lose your temper? Did you chastise? Did you NOT apologize???? I doubt it. I am a very good OW. I’m a great OW. I won. I got my MM to leave his W or maybe his W got him to leave her. But what you all think and hope for, isn’t the reality of the situation. It is never as good as we imagine it. Never, ever, ever.

I’ve had a lot to say lately. I’ve been doing a lot of reading, commenting, thinking and writing. The blogging community has been very good to me. It has been a place to publicly vent, to display, solicit and begin to heal. I have found it to be immeasurably comforting.

I don’t know why, 4 months after MM told me he was getting divorced, 4 months after he came to my town and slept over in my home, in my bed, 4 months after he was able to be with me publicly, 4 months after he started telling people that he was getting divorced, that I’ve been all consumed with the posts, with the bloggers and with writing. I wonder, subconsciously, what’s going on with me.

I struggle with how I got to be where I am on September 4, 2010. Where was I on September 4, 2009? 2008? Seems a bit blurry. And did I ever, for a moment, think that THIS is where I would be? Not in a million years.

I’m frustrated, sad, angry, frightened. I think about words like “love,” “soul mate,” “other woman,” “married man,” “discovery day,” “no contact” and the list is endless. Worse, sometimes is that it is all-consuming. I don’t understand how the affair can take up so much of my time. It’s like damned sink-hole or bottomless abyss. And yet – my life is so substantially different on September 4, 2010 than it was on September 4, 2009. And I’m not always sure it is for the better.

I don’t know what it is that I’m seeking from the other bloggers, the other opinions, the other players in this shitty triangle. Some small way to move on with my life. Believe it or not, I envy those who have been able to withstand “no contact” until contact becomes a memory. I envy those who have committed to their spouses, post affair, and are able to close the door to the life they had or could have had with their “other.” I feel like I am in limbo – neither the girlfriend or the OW. I liked being the OW. It defined our relationship. There were not expectations. He had his W at the end of the day, and whatever I did or who I did it with, was never MM’s business. I had a life that didn’t include him, that didn’t revolve around whether he could come to see me, what time he would leave and whether or not I should make plans. UGH! I hate that part of me. The part that wants to see him at all cost. The part that refuses to make plans “just in case” he is free. For goodness sake, be with me or not. Commit to me or don’t. Spend real time with me or go fuck yourself. Simple. Easy. Not.

I got an email from a friend of mine telling me that she has a nice guy to fix me up with. My best friend has a guy that she wants to introduce me to. I have a great guy in my own town that wants to see me, that I keep turning away. For what? Would I have done that a year ago? 6 months ago? Or 269 days ago? 8 months and 26 days ago? 6,456 hours ago? 387,360 minutes ago? Or 23,241,600 seconds ago?

Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes,
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Moments so dear.
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year?

In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights
In cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.

In five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure
A year in the life?

Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure the life
Of a woman or a man?

In truths that she learned,
Or in times that he cried.
In bridges he burned,
Or the way that she died.

It’s time now to sing out,
Tho’ the story never ends
Let’s celebrate
Remember a year in the life of friends
Remember the love!
Remember the love!
Seasons of love!

Oh you got to got to
Remember the love!
You know that love is a gift from up above
Share love, give love spread love
Measure measure your life in love.

“Seasons of Love,” Rent the Musical, music and lyrics by Jonathan Larson.

When I was a little girl I had an Easy Bake Oven. I remember how neat it was to make the mini cakes, pies, cookies, etc. It cooked under a lightbulb. (Wasn’t my mother concerned with salmonella?) I don’t remember them tasting great, but the idea of them was huge and wonderful. When my children were old enough I got an Easy Bake Oven for them. We baked those min cakes. And you know what?

I need to vent or I’m never going to be able to quiet the gremlins in my head.

For the past 3 years, the last 2 weeks of August I have vacationed with my children and my best friend and her family at a national park. This year MM joined us. Without his children. I’m not allowed to meet them. Which has made me angry beyond all compare and then secretly relieved. I invited him for a week. But he came for both. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him not to come. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. It was horrible. Long story short – he has been so uncomfortable in his own skin, with the discovery of our affair, the divorce, losing his job – that he’s difficult to be around. I wanted to have some “alone” time with my kids and with my friend but MM didn’t see that we needed that. It was a lot. Too much time. It would have been better if it had been just me and him. It was too big of an indoctrination. More than I wanted or was able to tolerate. Funny thing – he would tell you that he had a great time. How wonderful we were, how lovely my friends were, how gracious my children. Yet every time he was not around, all anyone did was complain. It was horrible. I couldn’t wait to get home. I couldn’t wait for everyone to go their separate ways.

It has now been more than a week since we’ve been back at our respective homes. This past week my current job came to end; the job I was interviewing for and, according to the head hunter, was going to get since they were doing my background check (a costly undertaking), went to someone else (gotta love “the good ‘ole boys network”) and I had to study for and take state licensing exams so I can start my next career as a commission broker in the financial services business – 100% draw against commission, or as I like to say – incurring debt, rather than making money. I’m actually thinking of applying for unemployment until I make some money, but my hands are tied while I wait for my home equity line of credit to come through. Don’t you just wish you were me? Ha ha ha ha ha ha. (Thankfully I passed the tests!) So, as the holiday weekend approaches, I have talked to MM about getting together. No, he still doesn’t have a job. No, he still doesn’t have his own apartment. Yes, he’s still living under the same roof as his wife and mother-in-law; yes, he’s still eating dinner as a loving, nuclear family; yes, they are all driving in the same car to see their kid’s sports games; yes, he’s still upset when he marinates the chicken and his wife took the kids to the mall to go shopping without telling him. I took my pre-test yesterday, but he didn’t have time to talk to me because his lawyer forwarded on his wife’s lawyer’s counter-proposal to his settlement proposal. Yeah, no time to say – how are you doing? How are things going for you? Are you freaked out about not having a job? Are you stressed out about not having an income? Today, although scheduled to take the state licensing exam next week, I went today as a “walk-in” and was able to take the test. Although I told him earlier today, he never wished me luck and called me 3 times and texted me asking me where I was. When I finally spoke to him, after 5:15, the first thing he asked me was where I had been all day. I couldn’t believe it! Dumbass! I was fuming. Of course, that engendered a dozen texts: I miss you; I love you; I ache for you: I wish we were together; I knew you would pass the test; I can’t wait to talk to you later; blah blah fucking blah!

When we spoke this afternoon, I told him that I needed to know what his intentions were for the weekend since I didn’t have my kids on Saturday night and if he wasn’t coming to see me, I would make plans. When we finally spoke this evening he said, that he could stay over Sunday night. I went ballistic! I told him not to come. He told me that he was going to spend Saturday night with his kids, he wants to give them some stability and spend as much time as possible with them and that I shouldn’t ask him to pick between me and his kids. I told him not to come. Don’t show up at 5pm Sunday evening and leave at 10:00 am Monday morning. Go fuck someone else. Be with me affirmatively or don’t be with me at all. I’m not a convenience. You want to be with your kids, be with your kids. There is nothing stable about your life or their lives at this point. What you are doing by eating dinner together is lying to them; by driving in the same car and pretending to be a nuclear family is lying to them. You are not a nuclear family. Things are radically different and are going to get even more different! Unless you are a nuclear family. Are you?????? I told him that I”m not a booty call. Be with me or don’t be with me. Spend time with me or don’t, but don’t fucking dare come to see me AFTER everything else – after you go for your run, after your W goes for her run, after you take you kid to whatever activity, after you lift weights, after you take your other kid for a haircut . . . etc., etc. I’m not an after thought. Period. End of story.

And it gets more incredible. He told me that I didn’t understand what he was going through. OH REALLY?!?!?!?! I went through a divorce that lasted almost 3 years and depleted my entire savings account. In fact, my matrimonial attorneys sued me for the remainder of my legal fees (after paying more than I paid for my HOME to them!!!!) And my ex-husband is insane and a drug addict and an abuser, to boot. I lost my job too. I have no income. I am the sole supporter of my family and now am facing unemployment. Oh really. I don’t know what you’re going through? I’m so fucking sorry for you pathetic little life. He couldn’t even remember to call me to wish me luck on my test today and actually called and sent me texts asking me where I was?!?!?! When I asked, the other night how one of his kids did at a sports event, he told me had posted pictures on Facebook. That was his fucking answer! Are you kidding??? Are you serious???? I remember to ask about your kid, but you couldn’t remember to wish me luck because even though I told you where I was going, you couldn’t remember, because . . . . why? It wasn’t important to you? It isn’t your life?

Ooooooooh, it feels good to vent. I’m so angry I could scream. So, after he told me that he doesn’t want to talk about it, he doesn’t want to engage, that I can’t see where he’s coming from, I told him not to come to see me this weekend. If my plans changed, I would let him know. But the gremlins are marching through my head. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr. Maybe they’ll come and visit me this weekend.

It’s been almost 2 months since my last post but I have been thinking about writing for weeks.

It’s an interesting thing to think about – what happens when MM gets divorced, ends his marriage and winds up with OW. Is that what she really wanted? In the harsh light of day, is he really the one that she wants? If she could go back to the starting board and erase everything, would she pick him again? Would he pick her? And what do you do with all that water under the bridge? With the hurt feelings? With the betrayal? With the months of no contact? With his efforts to reconcile with his W? When he was more interested in holding on to his life, his wife than to you? Where losing you was maybe not ideal, but was ultimately bearable?

My MM’s divorce is proceeding. It feels like it is taking forever. I have been privy to every little nuance. I know more than I ever wanted to know. (Actually, I want to know it all – every single last detail. What I have come to learn about myself is that there are things I should know, things I should speculate about and things that I should never know.) Once I know something, I can’t get it out of my mind. It’s like that absurd instruction the judge gives the jury in those stupid legal-eagle movies: “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, please disregard what the witness just said.” ARE YOU INSANE? How can you ever un-hear something? Un-see something? Un-feel something? And what do you do with that knowledge once you have it?

My MM retained a lawyer in May, AFTER his W retained her lawyer. He thought it would be amicable, that they could reach an agreement as to visitation, equitably/evenly divide their assets and move on. Ha ha ha ha ha. Yes, friends, he must be one of the stupidest humans alive. His W is rip, roaring angry! She is going to take him to the cleaners and doesn’t care who she hurts along the way. When they “discussed” their divorce, initially, his W said that it would be lovely if for Christmas we could have a little blended family – her, him, their kids, her mother, me, my kids. HA HA HA HA. I had pains in my stomach from laughing. Not MM. He thought she was serious. Dumbass. So now she’s out to extract a pound of flesh. The letters fly fast and furious from her lawyer to his about not “dissipating marital assets” on his girlfriend (me), not inviting to me his home when she’s away or she’ll get a restraining order; that he shouldn’t introduce me to his kids (which he hasn’t but which is setting her brain on fire just contemplating it), where he’s thinking of living once the divorce is final and the impact on their parenting arrangement, and the list goes on. He, meanwhile, is living in their basement, sleeping on the pull-out sofa. Tonight he was angry. Why? Because his W and her mother took the kids shopping and he had marinated chicken to barbecue for dinner tonight for everyone. Boo fucking hoo. Why would you be having dinner with your soon-to-be-ex-W and her mother? How often do you have these lovely “family” dinners? Does that seem odd to anyone else but me? When my ex and I agreed to divorce, and had retained lawyers, I don’t think that we “broke bread” together afterwards. Dumbass.

For all those MM out there who whine about the depreciating value of their homes and why now isn’t a good time to sell or leave their wives for the women that they love (OW), my MM and his W are doing a short sale and that seems to be moving along. Of course, once the house is sold, he has no where to live. And I’m a 4 hour drive. And he doesn’t want to be that far from his kids (who I haven’t met). Unlike some of my fellow Florence Nightingale OW, I don’t feel the overwhelming need to rescue him. In fact, what I need is for him to stand on his own 2 feet. I want a partner. Not another child. I want someone who can contribute to my life and make it better. Not someone who is going to suck me dry.

MM lost his job a couple of months ago and although he’s been looking, his search has been unsuccessful. (Are all you OW getting more jealous by the second? 😉 ) It would be funny if his W has to pay him support/maintenance until he finds something. The downside is, that he has no income. And letters from his W’s lawyer cautioning him about spending marital assets on me. So, when we are together, I pay. He is appreciative and talks often about how he will repay me. I’m resentful. He’s a drain. He’s a drag. He’s an anchor. (Yes, AO1, I have my own.) I’ve thought about that often. I want to be with someone who elevates me, doesn’t suffocate me, contributes and doesn’t always take. It is hard to run, let alone walk, with this heavy boulder around my ankle. He talks about taking care of me, about doing things for me. It is sweet. It is talk. Actions speak louder than words. I have borne witness to his actions and his words over the past 9 months, not to mention the 2 1/2 years before that too. Words are low on my totem pole of Love Languages. “Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, please disregard what the witness just said.” Even judges find words to be meaningless.

So, I’m floundering a bit these days. I know that the shit-hit-the-fan with MM and his W because of our affair. I believe that MM needed to divorce his W years ago, when we first met, and talked about his marriage and mine. I don’t like thinking that any of this is FOR me or BECAUSE of me. MM needs to own his behavior, take responsiblity for his actions and decisions, as does his W. We can’t spend our entire lives being reactive and passive. Or worse – weak. There is nothing I abhor more than the weakness. I have said to MM that he needs to stop seeing himself as a victim and he told me that he sees himself as a villain, the perpetrator of the bad. WOW! That seems inconsistent with his whoa-is-me attitude. The heavy sighing, the depression, the fatigue. I’m running out of patience. I have my own problems and issues these days, but never, once did I just sit back and feel put-upon, sorry for myself and completely helpless. It is exhausting to deal with someone like that. I don’t know how much more I have in me. In fact, I’m glad that he lives far away. The sex is great, but the rest of it . . . When I was in college the joke was: A great woman turns into a pizza after a sex. I like mine with onions and sausage. 🙂

One of the comments from my last post was to put down everything I like/don’t like about MM.

OK, Here’s my list:
What I like about MM:
1. That he looks at me like I’m the most amazing, beautiful, smart, wonderful, sexy, incredible person in the world and there isn’t anything I can’t accomplish when he looks at me like that.

2. Sex

3. He’s funny, smart, knowledgeable, kind

4. Sex

What I don’t like about MM:

1. He’s self-absorbed (Is that temporary or permanent)

2. He’s sarcastic

3. He’s needy, weak, spineless, gutless; a passenger in his own life

4. He lives 200 miles away and his kids have a lot of emotional and learning issues (are they genetic or environmental; will they go away with proper help or are they here to stay)

5. He’s a creature of habit

What do I do with that list? What do I do with the thoughts swirling around in my head about them. Do the good things outweigh the bad things? Are the bad things insurmountable? Do I want to live with them? Would I choose them? I remember back in November I was ending my relationship with MM and then ****KABOOM**** everything exploded. I needed answers, closure, my ego in tact. It was a horrible time. All of a sudden I found myself wanting someone that didn’t want me, regardless of how I initially felt. That part seemed irrelevant. It was all about my ego. Now what? What do I do? Where do I go? What do I think?

Hey, uh huh huh
Hey, uh huh huh

What I like about you, you hold me tight
Tell me I’m the only one, wanna come over tonight, yeah

You’re whispering in my ear
Tell me all the things that I wanna to hear, ’cause that’s true
That’s what I like about you

What I like about you, you really know how to dance
When you go up, down, jump around, think about true romance, yeah

You’re whispering in my ear
Tell me all the things that I wanna to hear, ’cause that’s true
That’s what I like about you (3x)

What I like about you, you keep me warm at night
Never wanna’ let you go, know you make me feel alright, yeah

You’re whispering in my ear
Tell me all the things that I wanna to hear, ’cause that’s true
That’s what I like about you (2x)
That’s what I like about you (whispered) (4x)