A whole bunch of stuff that rarely involves anything to do with breakfast.

Thursday, August 04, 2016

NRL 2016 - Round 22: Surely it can't get any worse for Parramatta

It has been about two weeks since Jarryd Hayne had a dream
to change sports, and now he’s back in the NRL after signing a deal worth a
reported $1.2 million PER MOTHERFUCKING YEAR to play for the Gold Coast
Titans. He had dreamed of representing
the Gold Coast ever since he was a boy – the Seagulls, the Giants, the
Chargers, the Crushers, and finally it comes true as he pulls on the Titans’
colours. With the number of dreams that
Jarryd has had lately, it makes sense for him to have packed up and moved closer to
Dreamworld.

Since we last saw Hayne, he led his Fijian team to win the
World Rugby 7’s tournament, which he starred in by playing about seven
minutes throughout the week-long event, dropping balls and missing tackles so
much that the four Burgess brothers are considering following their dreams to
represent Fiji in a non-Olympic sport as well.

His form obviously caught the eye of Australian rugby, and
after being dropped leaving the Fijians to pursue his next dream of
being a Pokemon Master, had chats with the Waratahs, who swiftly rejected the
former “49ers star running back” (drink).

What does this latest signing mean? Fuck knows, but it has pissed off a lot of Parramatta fans, because he always said that
once his NFL career never beganfell apart was over, that he
would return to his beloved Eels. I
can’t help but notice that the Gold Coast Titans are not the Parramatta
Eels.

I’m actually more disappointed for the Titans, to be
honest. They have really turned up this
year, and have done surprisingly well for a team without any, you know, good
players. It would be great to see a
bunch of idiots like that stick together for the next few years and really grow
as a unit, and make a champion team – not a team of champions. Hang on, I’m getting all Emilio Estevez on
myself here quack quack quack ducks fly
together! Anyway, Hayne will no
doubt put some bums on seats, but will have to shed the baby fat that his NFL days
put on, lose the “kick and clap” mentality that rugby union gave him, and
realise that this is not the Parramatta team of 2009 that rely solely on him to
compete. He might also want to at least
pretend that he’s happy to have signed with the Titans; at the moment, he
sounds like a bloke on a first date who just keeps talking about his
ex-girlfriend.

At least he can tick off another dream: to become the
highest paid NRL player ever, despite, you know, not playing NRL. Or fuck it, he’ll be back in front of the
media next week after discussions with the Heat, Suns, Bulls, Roar, Firebirds
and Bandits.

Hayne has been everywhere this week, including on last night's RBT, posing as a middle-aged Indonesian man

St George vs Broncos

Ever since a video of some unnamed Broncos players doing
lines of cocaine came out, Brissy have been playing absolute balls. For their sake, I hope that they’ve been able
to find a new dealer, because they play a lot better when they’re on the
gear.

Knights vs Doggies

You kind of keep hoping that the Knights will somehow
manage to bumble out another win this year, but it probably won’t be this
week. The Dogs will be (1) embarrassed
that they almost got beaten by the Dragons last week, and (2) trying to stay in
touch with the top four teams. Here’s a
Ripley’s Believe it or not fact for your face:
they are actually tied fourth with the Cowboys. I have checked this twice, it stands up as
admissible evidence.

Sharks vs Mighty Motherfucking Raiders

The Hayneless Titans managed to put a big ol’ stick in the
spokes of the Sharks’ BMX last week, ending their winning streak by keeping the
competition leaders to a draw. This
week, the Raiders are going to go one better and do a massive powerslide right into
them, knock them into the curb and then do a mono down the road. Sorry
Cronulla fans (Mrs Gallen), your slide from the top begins this weekend.

Storm vs Rabbitohs

I know I say it every week, but what the fuck is doing at
the Rabbitohs this year? 2016 has been
the biggest bunny massacre since Watership Down, and at least those guys
actually tried to fight back. I’ll give you a sneak preview of this game: “Souths really need
to score off this set to stay in the game…
knocked on by Burgess.”

Titans vs Warriors

This will no doubt be the biggest crowd that the Titans
have ever pulled, with reports that Hayne will pull on a jersey and have a
crack with his new club. If I was the
young bloke in the team who had played the previous 21 rounds and got bumped
for this prima donna to fuck up the Titans’ finals chances, I’d be pretty
pissed. Thanks for your time and
captaincy, Will Zillman. Good luck in
the NFL, I guess.

PS. I still think
the Titans will win.

Tigers vs Cowboys

Pick of the Week goes to the Cowboys for this round. Put your first-born on it (note: Sportsbet do
not accept children as payments).

Penrith vs Roosters

The Roosters seem to be having way more fun fucking up
other teams at the end of the season when it doesn’t count than they did during
the actual competition when they really needed to win a few games. I have changed my tip a few times for this
one, weighing up factors such as home ground advantage, injuries, points
differentials, kicking success, tackling statistics, preferred try-scoring
areas compared to defensive weaknesses, but in the end I just tipped “whoever
is playing the Roosters.”