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Sunday, September 18, 2011

It seems like so much of our lives is spent keeping track of dates and times. We're always counting down until our next appointment, marking off days until our big vacation, a loved one's birthday or retirement, a holiday. After we lost Caroline, my first countdowns were those first few days after the funeral. Each day, when 7:27 pm would pass, I'd tick another one off. Then, I counted down until my 6 week checkup visit. I had so many questions that I needed to have answered, and it felt like those weeks wouldn't go fast enough. Then, I graduated to counting months. And while I was counting "Caroline's months," I was blessed to be able to count Addalee's weeks.

Now, Caroline's little sister is here, and we're counting hours between feedings. A welcomed countdown, so different than our past experience. But, we're still counting Caroline's months. And we're getting very close to Caroline's first birthday in Heaven. I honestly don't even know what to do with myself. The method I've chosen to deal with thinking of Caroline's first birthday has been to kind of ignore it up to this point. It was kind of like I never really expected to get there...does that make sense? So, we're so close to October that I can smell Autumn in the air. And I'm terrified. I don't have any idea what I should do. I want to honor my sweet girl, my first daughter. I want others to be able to honor her too. I'm not sure if I should have a "birthday party," or what. Basically, I'm clueless. I don't know what I'm expecting to find from sharing this with all of you, or if I'm just spilling my guts. Actually, I'm just spilling my guts. I don't really know how to talk about this to the real world. I have tons of people around me who support me and love me, but I'm just so stinking weepy when I talk about Caroline's birthday. I'm missing her so badly these days and I don't want to always be Debby Downer. I've heard a term that couldn't fit me better - I'm a "happy sad mama." I'm so happy to have Addalee here, and I'm over the moon for her, but part of my heart is in Heaven with Caroline.

So again, I don't know what to do for Caroline's angelversary. I want to do something special because I love her so much. I think that a lot of my problem is that nothing seems good enough.

4 comments:

An idea that I've had for my daughter on her first birthday (in April) is that we are getting our friends and family together and having them write a message to Makenzie and tie them to balloons and doing a release. Little notes to her. They can be happy thoughts and/or sad ones. I'm sure you will find something special for your little angel.

I know how you feel about not knowing what to do for the 1 year anniversary. I had my rainbow baby August 17 and my son's 1 year anniversary was August 22. I didn't have clue what to do. We decided to bring our new son with us to the cemetery and I just talked to both of them. It helped. We left some toy cars on his headstone. Nothing spectacular but it was special to us. Good Luck and congrats on your new baby!

We choose to have a "Remembrance Day" in memory of our daughter Braylyn. She will be 4 October 10th, so we also are quickly approaching her day. We have always had just family over for a dinner and a hay ride. We live out in the country so an evening of backroading through the quiet country with the people who got us to where we are today with nothing but love, is how we choose to remember Braylyn who was born an angel. We are in the works in setting up a memorial in her name and then holding an annual fundraising benefit to carry on her name. Braylyn is real and I don't want people to forget she was our daughter.