Saturday, September 16, 2006

The Root of Wanting

Ok - I am still committed to doing a recap of my week up north but alas, here I am back in real life and my how it throws me for a loop at times. I mentioned that I'd had a bit of reconnecting with my high school boyfriend after we hung out at the A's game (see silly pic) on Friday and then went to visit a friend Tuesday and then went out with friends the following Friday (see group pics). While I was aware of the chemistry between us, it didn't really break through officially until the second Friday - which led us to some "debriefing" on Saturday/Sunday - and inspired him to send me a letter he'd written after the A's game (are you following?). Well I got the letter yesterday, and I might as well be in high school again (we lived two hours apart for most of our relationship so there was a lot of lovely letter writing going on). Basically, he laid out that he has always loved me, and while he's looked for someone with the qualities he is drawn to in me, he hasn't found anyone and he's been more and more discouraged feeling that what he is seeking is hard to find (please forgive however self-righteous this ends up sounding - I am really trying to be objective while processing through this stuff and use his words not mine). He talks about how when we broke up he remembers that I was looking for someone with the ability to "lead" (interesting, given the raving feminist I like to think of myself as being - that sounds SO submissive to me!) and since he's rather softspoken and more of a background guy he's tried to figure out if he could have the qualities he knows I'm looking for. I think we'd need to talk about that as I would hope that my expectations have evolved over the years - and I'd definitely like to clarify the idea of a "leader" in the relationship - that's not really what I'm looking for at all - but I do want to be with a man who takes initiative and comes to a relationship with a sense of responsibility and caretaking. I do believe that there are certain needs/responsibilities that men and women are more naturally fitted to and while I try and prepare myself for a long-term relationship and the needs I'll have to fulfill - I am looking for a man who will approach things similarly. Unfortunately, many men (or 'guys') tend to come to relationships with no sense of greater responsibility - and especially when coupled with a strong woman, are all to willing to let her take the lead (oh damn - I used that word!) in all areas and be taken care of by, rather than take care of, their wife. This subject will clearly require a future post (or many) of its own - throwing such statements out into the blogosphere makes me nervous in such short segments - I know they need further explanation.

Ok - back to the letter, skipping through much of it, it ends with, "But I keep learning, and growing...and I want you to know that I don't need you, but I want you." After. 10. Years. Wow.

NOW - this is where the gods of love like to throw me for a loop because not only do I have this incredible gift of love coming at me from this truly dear person (again, first loves - there's just an irresistible sweetness there - just ask FG)- but I literally have it coming from someone else at the SAME time. And lest I sound completely self-absorbed let me remind you that I've had one date all summer so it's not like I'm miss have-it-going-on or anything over here.

I have mentioned my good friend who was in love with me (as far as he could ascertain) and sent me the drunken text message earlier in the summer. We have literally been navigating the friendship-in-the-midst-of-serious-feelings thing for almost two years now. I very recently finally got to a point where I was able to say that I knew we were not going to be together, that after all this time healing from my last relationship the proper attraction/feelings had not evolved. I didn't want to keep hanging that out there as a potential outcome the way I think I once had while in the absolute haze of my break up (and subsequent discovery of this friendship that provided all the things my relationship didn't).

Trying to establish a normal friendship that has the depth we're used to but doesn't make me feel guilty or let him convince himself (and try to convince me) that we're destined to be together has been a challenge. Lately, I've mostly just given up - but as I'm always trying to protect his feelings, I haven't been able to tell him straight out, "I just don't want to talk to you right now - it makes me feel bad, and I don't want to feel bad anymore." Seems simple - but I just don't want to hurt him anymore, so I've been trying to have normal friendship while dealing with some resentment about how long this has dragged on and how much emotional energy I've had to invest when I'm supposedly a single woman (it's been like all the bad things about an unhealthy relationship with none of the make-up sex - imagine). Anyway, he sent me an email yesterday, read the SAME DAY that I got the letter from high school ex, saying virtually the exact same thing. "Its like I was trying to argue you into what I wanted and yet I don't feel like I've ever just said I wanted you...Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that honestly one time and you can feel free to do whatever you want with it but I needed to say it."

So there you have it: want. From two people, both of whom I care deeply about - one of whom I actually think I could have a future with - at the same time.