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Author
Topic: Zest is for fruits... or is that from fruits? (Read 3145 times)

I am sick, having a hard time finding the strength, and just plain tired all the time. I've wanted to post these thoughts, fears, feelings, and ills since being allowed back in the forums. Whether it be my lack of self worth or just plain despair, any how what ever it is, I find it hard to do so. I wonder if anyone would want to respond which I feared, lack of, would just spin me further into a deeper cycle of depression. I ask myself why should it matter Tom? I have no answers though.

I've lost something, but I can't find exactly what it is. I don't know what to say, but what ever it is I know I need to say it. I use to fear death and while I don't want it, the desire to live is being trumped by days of uncertainty. Uncertain what the future might bring... That future may be years or it could be weeks... hell I don't know what the fuck?

Taking a deep breath... ok that helped, somewhat...

Fuck I am a mess!

It is taking every train of thought just to make and/or finish this post.

Six months ago I came to realize a reality that I didn't think would be real for me. Does that even make sense? I doubt it. Fuck that brought tears to my eyes. Need to get rid of those, not cool.

Six months ago, but now I wonder was it 7 or 5? The days have all run into each other. It's just one big year, I think, that will hopefully come to an end on December 31 at the stroke of midnight. My body has betrayed me...

Does this shit really matter? Yes it does... it most certainly does. I need to push myself to finish this. I am sick... My doctor says I am still recovering, but I don't buy it. It's been like what 7 months now? Or was that four? I just don't know... Just got a call from the wifey letting me know she made it to work. "You ok?", yes baby of course... "I'll call you on my lunchy wunchy." ... ok sweetheart I love you.

Sorry... see what I mean? I am a fucking mess. I worked, refueling aircraft at the local airport. It was a pretty darn cool job. I love planes, especially those from World War II era... Had to let that go though when I got sick, stricken with PCP...

Anyways back to this post...

I should have stayed on that fucking Atripla, I think... I should have had a better doctor, I think.. My problems all began when last year, I think it was about this time. I could look in my records for specific dates and all, but fuck I don't know. I went to my doctor complaining about the Atripla I was on. While it was very effective, I was suffering mood swings that I could only attribute to that oh so effective drug. My doctor at the time, who is an ID doctor, was not even aware that Atripla could do this.

That should have been a sign right there... then again I should have taken notice that while he was an ID doc, most of his patients were well over sixty and in wheelchairs. I often wondered if these people even had HIV. Got that answer one day while being seen by the nurse when she told me, "You are one of two patients we have with HIV, the other being your wife."

I switched my combo. Zerit, Viramune, and Viread.... A month later I was different. My wife was absolutely amazed!!! I was actually even going out fishing, something I hadn't done since being diagnosed. I thought this was the answer... little did I know it was going to be a short lived one.

See it seems that this combo failed me... I had a resistant strain of the virus or so I was told. My numbers came crashing down from 560 or was it 650. Fcuk I don't remember anymore.. It's hard to remember exactly anything from just that short time ago. My Doctor, at the time, and I for that matter never suggested that I go and have follow up labs to see how it was working, the combo that is.

I got sick last year... all I really remember as far as time is that it was before my daughter's birthday. I use that as a reference because I know I was in the hospital, which was the first time of three different stays.

When I initially got sick, my doctor thought it was the flu. I didn't get a flu shot last year so I figured he was right. He had me taking something called Avalox. Took it for three days, woke up one morning and was covered from head to toe with these little red spots. Oh how I remember those little red spots from when I seroconverted back in 05. That's when I told my wife that I should probably go to the ER... oh how I hate going there! I hate the prospect of not knowing when you may get out. I hate watching my football games on a fucking 12 inch TV that is planted in the wall over 20 feet away with this little damn speaker box that you constantly lose in the twenty five sets of sheets they cover you with because it's so damn cold! Then you have to be conscious of the guy in the next bed who is not a football fan and wants to watch reruns of a show called Que Pasa USA. I liked that show when I was a kid.. I use to polish my own Spanish I learned in high school with that show...

Where was I?

Wish I could smoke some herb right now it might help, but the doctor told me to stop. Something about street weed and probabilities of fungus or something... hell who the fuck knows. What's the use of being a dread if you can't smoke weed? LOL... ok sorry I am trying to be funny now.. back to more seriousness.

I lose my train of thought so easily now. As evident from last night... Ok I'm crying again!!! Fuck, shit, damn!!!! That is one of my favorite sayings by the way, guess it's derived from my, let me stop. I can't be hard on myself right now according to my wife and family. It's actually her family, mine all turned their back on me after my diagnosis... Sheeesh the tears are just flowing now..

My dreams are bad. My dreams seem to be more like memories instead of fantasies or monsters or even nightmares for that matter. The other night I found myself in the bathroom, don't know how I got there. I told my wife I thought I was at work... and Oh was I so happy!! Only problem was I was at my job as a baker in Miami, somewhere I have not worked in over 9 years!! the only reason I know this is she told me. I don't even remember telling her... I do remember the dream though.

I remember when my mother was on chemo having dreams like that shortly before she passed.

Don't get me wrong I am not scared, just depressed I think. I look bad. Lost every ouce of weight I worked so hard to gain back and then some. I look like I did when I was 18 , after going on a nine month crack run... which took me two years to get over by the way. Why did I mention that?

I want to feel better, my wife does too.. my job wouldn't wait. Not at the bakery lmao... the one at the airport. I loved that job it really brought back memories from my childhood being the son of a Coast Guardsman and all..

My wife brought home a card the other day. It was suppose to cheer me up! I guess I didn't let it, fuck me. She also bought me a box of Charleston Chews which is my favorite candy. That reminded me of Bruce Lee's biography where his wife said "He would never buy me flowers, he said flowers were a poor token of love because they always died". What Bruce bought her was juju beans, which was her favorite candy. I don't know why, but that's what I thought of...lol. Strange huh? I am strange you know?

Anyways the card said the following... well actually it said more than the following, but some card maker wrote the other parts. I'm just sharing what my wife wrote:

Thomas,

You are my everything! I know that you are going through a hard time right now, but know that I am always here and will always be by your side every step of the way. You keep my heart beating and make every day worth living. I love you!

I don't want her to worry... her feelings are just as fresh and fragile over all this as mine are...

I go to the doctor on Monday. He is going to be mad though. I didn't get the chest x-ray he wanted me to get before my next visit... I don't know why.. I just have not felt that well or even like that day last week when I thought I was feeling better I just did not want to go.

There is more I wanted to say here, but last night was filled with weird dreams again. Someone turned the truck over at the bakery and of course I had to bake over a thousand pounds of bread to keep our customers happy... That is a lot of work you know, so I guess that is why I am so damn tired..

First off, I would like you to remember the place you were when you signed up to this site, and just how much different your life is now. Keep that thought as you read my post.

I didn't know you were recovering from PCP, but if that is the case, stop a minute and give yourself a little break. That is one of the worst OIs to recover from and it seems to take for fucking ever. However, we have to remember that our bodies cannot be rushed, and we must not give ourselves expectations of a reality that cannot be. This for sure would be the perfect setup for deep depression.

Keep your expectations in line, because that will help you to recover and reach a healthy plateau. Shit, what is your responsibility in life right now? NOTHING!!!!!! Your life has now become really simple, and it revolves around keeping your wife and kids happy, and keeping yourself busy with little shit that doesn't tax your physical body. You can do things around the house, and focus on making a good meal for your wife once in a while. Since you are now focused on being a good dred, then it might be fun to get a Jamaican cook book and learning some of the foods that they have there. Cooking is a really fun thing to do with your physical recovery and all.

I can't tell you what to do with your time and to keep your sharp intellect sharp, other than playing word games on the computer. Also Soduku has been a Godsend for me, because it strengthens the analytical part of my brain working and sharp.

Most of all, depression has its seeds in the amount of energy we place on ourselves, and what we "expect" our lives should be. Keeping this on an even keel is really super hard and one of the worst challenges we are faced with when we are stricken with disease. Get a handle on this, and I suspect that soon enough you'll get a handle on the deep depression you seem to be in right now.

Give yourself some short term goals that you will have no difficulty achieving and then do them. When you accomplish something, then go on to something else. Whatever happens, do something, I don't care how insignificant it might seem to the overall picture. Just do it.

Quit obsessing and start relaxing, your most important task right now is to let your body heal, and yes, sometimes it takes a good year to recover from PCP. I know it took me forever the second time, and I didn't drive for three years that time, because I just couldn't trust my brain to focus enough not to be dangerous. PCP and the fevers you get with it, are really damaging to the brain, so now you are suffering the consequences of that time, and it might take some time for this to pass. Don't be so hard on yourself.

You obviously have a wife that loves you and supports you and your recovery, so please honor her by giving yourself a break. Damnit.

Finally, I would spend some time looking around your area for a doctor that might have more experience with HIV and those of us who have indulged in the alternative drug experience. The knowledge that those doctors have far outweighs a doctor with only two HIV clients. Not because of the meds and their side effects, but because of all the other shit which comes to visit us when things go south. Don't look for another doctor until you feel like things are improving at home, because now you need some stability in the home life before you would be able to make judgements about a new doctor.

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The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals,and 362 to heterosexuals.This doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals, It's just that they need more supervision.Lynn Lavne

Thomas I'm sorry you are going through a rough patch. I agree with Tim that you should not put pressure on yourself and just relax and heal. Finding another doctor that you have confidence in is important too. Your wife sounds very loving and it is great you have each other for support. I hope you have other people in your life that you can talk to about how you feel. You can always vent on here because we do care and we are listening.

I am in a better head space at this moment. My nights are filled with such a weird type sleep (don't know how else to describe it) that I am usually such a mess when I wake up. I probably should have really collected my thoughts on this before posting. I just read my entry and well am having difficulty making sense of it all.

Just to update the thoughts I did not finish or failed to anyways, I have since gotten a new doctor who seems more knowledgeable on both HIV and everything else that encompasses what comes along with it. Well at least when it comes to the medications and treatment anyways. It is still a far cry from the doctor I had in Miami though. He does stress the importance of getting plenty of rest, but after finishing the treatments well over 5 months ago and still having to go back into the hospital for a short stint, I thought this would have all been well behind me. I am so tired of spending my time in this house.

I always thought I was pretty proactive when it came to my health. I don't feel that way so much anymore, personally I feel like I have failed my wife BIG TIME. Just bathing our 1 year old last night was such a chore for me.

That reminds me, I never updated those on here about her. Well I have actually but I think it was only Ann that I have told. She has tested conclusively negative. That was such a huge relief. She makes all this worth while, the fight that is.

First off, I would like you to remember the place you were when you signed up to this site, and just how much different your life is now. Keep that thought as you read my post.

You are right... I sometimes wonder which was worse for me. I should not really think that way I know, just one of my faults I guess. I think the last three night have just been hell when it comes to sleep. I have been obsessing lately about getting back out and looking for work and I usually shut my eyes at night with thoughts about finding work mainly because we are behind on the property taxes on our house. It's difficult living off of one income.

I really just want to get my health/energy back so I can put all this behind me. Just woke up from a very good 4 hr nap and still feel tired.

It is PCP after all, and the strength you so anxiously seek will return, but not for a while. Hell, usually PCP was a killer in the past, and only since the proper treatment and therapy have come into place have any of us had a prayer when it comes to healing and regaining your strength.

How are you eating?

Please answer that question, and I'll give you some hints on rebuilding your body and strength. What you put into your mouth, is now going to determine just how quickly you will recover, but shit, give yourself at least a year.

Taxes are always going to be there, and if you regularly pay something, the laws state that they cannot do shit. Even a dollar for now will keep things going anyway. I know very wealthy people that pay a dollar a month to keep them in their homes, and even though they have property tax bills of thousands; they cannot loose the home if they are paying something.

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The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals,and 362 to heterosexuals.This doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals, It's just that they need more supervision.Lynn Lavne

It is PCP after all, and the strength you so anxiously seek will return, but not for a while. Hell, usually PCP was a killer in the past, and only since the proper treatment and therapy have come into place have any of us had a prayer when it comes to healing and regaining your strength.

How are you eating?

Please answer that question, and I'll give you some hints on rebuilding your body and strength. What you put into your mouth, is now going to determine just how quickly you will recover, but shit, give yourself at least a year.

.

I try to eat three meals a day. I admit I sometimes skip breakfast though. I am a very good cook, but the weight gain is almost nil thus far. I weigh 120 lbs right now. Not good for someone who is 5' 10" tall, well almost anyways...

Tim, if you have any tips on how to pack it on please give them to me, I am all ears (pulls dreads back).

Generally breakfast, if I do eat that is, consists of cereal or oatmeal. Lunch is almost always just a sandwhich and for dinner I cook a well balanced meal for the family and myself. I don't really snack much though.. never really have. Eating food has always been such a chore for me, although it has gotten better than it was when I was young.

In advance, any help is much appreciated.

Paul.. thank you homie. June said to tell you hi and she is glad you got over the fear of the meds!

I don't even know what to say. I have been here such a short time myself. Feel some solidarity with all of us here. I, for one, am not just a computer screen or profile. I am real and in some ways sense your pain here.

ITS me, Robert. IT's Friday night about 11pP my time. I'm just logging on for and found your missive.

My god thomas.... it all sounds so familiar. Moffie is spot on with what he has written. PCP is a killer and it if doesn't kill you, it's hell to recover. I know I've mentioned this before but I'll tell you again.

PCP just about killed me back in the fall of 2003. I was in and out of the hospital for the next 3 months. IT's taken me 5 years to get where I am now which isn't saying much. If you think you should be better after 1 year, well, that ain't gonna happen.

I tried so hard to push my recovery and convince myself I was better. I had that same hospital psychosis you mention only I had it at home. To this day I still wake up in the middle of the night and not have a clue where I am. And every time I thought I was better, then the depression would sink and, just like you, the tears would flow. I remember one time, sometime that following spring, about 6 months into recovery (and, just like you, my memory is nothing but a big fog) my brother came to visit with his son (Chris, the rastafarian the I've told you about). IT was just a short visit and I don't remember anything about it except when they left I was alone and cried like a baby. And the depression continued. Thomas, it took me a good 3+ years to actually know I was getting better and still another 2 learning how to cope. PCP is definitely not easy.

I think you've got a good handle on your diet. Better than I ever did. And you've got your wife and daughters to give you purpose. I know it's easier said than done and it can be so easy to get wrapped up in yourself and feel miserable but you've just got to go that extra step with to fulfill your family duties. Not just because it's them but for yourself and how doing that defines who you are and gives yourself purpose which you really need to feel right now. I hope that makes sense. Not sure it does. I know it's hard because I've been there but you have to convince yourself that no matter how insignificent your life might seem to you, it means the world to your family. It's seems too easy, doesn't it? Believe me, I know. But after all this time, I'm only know beginning to understand that my self worth isn't all that bad after all.

I'm sorry about the job. That hurts. I'm glad to hear you got another Dr. I've got a great HIV Dr and she's good at what she does but I've learned she really knows nothing about us...us PCP guys and what we go through to recover. She's proscribes all the right pills (anti-depressants, sleeping pills, etc etc.) and runs all the right tests, and does her little thing with the stethoscope, etc. It works a little, I guess. But when it comes to PCP I've had to take care of most my healing myself...and with the help from you and others here at Aidsmeds.

So I'm with you thomas. Don't forget that. AIDS is not easy. Healing is not easy. But with your family at home and us here we'll get you through it .

I don't know if I ever told you thank you before for all your support and sharing of your own experience when we corresponded before. If I did I will tell you again, thank you. I need to keep a rational mind about this I know. As you can tell I was having a very bad moment yesterday. Watching the wife pull out of our driveway yesterday morning just made me, well, feel so worthless to my family. Like you, she and her family for that matter, has been so supportive during my illness, but most importantly during my need for reaffirmation of why I am still here.

Thomas, I want to chime in and tell you to give yourself time to recover from PCP. It's unquestionably a heavy duty illness to recover from. And recover you will although at times it feels overwhelming and you may yearn to cave in under it. There will come a time when you'll look back and say "wow!, that was really something."

When you are up to it and look around for a doctor, call an AIDS service organization and see if you can get a recommendation. If there is not ASO in your immediate area, call one in the nearest city and see what they can do for you.

I'm glad you've spoken up at length hear. Illness can make you give into isolation, which is never a good place to hang around in. Moffie and others have given you sound advice and support. Lean here as much as you need to.

Even when you're feeling like you've been licking ashtrays, for sure better days are ahead. Just keep taking little steps each day to take good care of yourself and they will pay off.

Fortunately my doctor is a really good Health Nut of the first degree, so he kindof guided me along in my recovery. What follows are a few things I learned.

PCP really fucks with your neurons in the brain, along with the high fevers, so reconstruction will take a long time. That time can be shortened by ingesting a huge amount of animal protein. EGGS are the one thing that give you the most input of protein for the amount eaten and spent. I would suggest you eat at least three eggs a day, and how you do that is where the creativity comes in. ALWAYS, when I eat Oatmeal, at the end of the cooking time, I whip two eggs and then temper them by placing a large spoonful of the oatmeal in them and stirring rapidly, then pour that into your oatmeal and stir until thickened. I know it then turns out more like oatmeal custard, but you will learn how to season to taste and enjoy a really healing breakfast. I also did really creative things with grits, one of my favorite food groups, like making a really thick grits, then doing the same thing with the eggs. I also put just about anything into the grits, including sausage, bacon, cheese, parsley, cilantro, chili pepper, and so on. Grits can stand to be made with just about anything you can think of to make them either sweet or savory.

For your lunches, anything that contains a load of protein, and when making sandwiches; take an extra few moments and load them up with mayonaise, or other fatty things to make them richer. Tuna salad, egg salad, or ham salad are things you can make at home, and keep the budget under control.

Seek out where the markets and resturants go for their fresh supplies of food daily, and that is a good place to buy food at a much cheaper rate. Also try to eat as much organic fruits a veggiies as you can possibly afford. Otherwise, frozen fruits and veggies are far more saturated with vitamins and minerals than the fresh stuff you find in the produce section. This is because they are far fresher when processed and not able to stand shipping, this is why they use them for freezing. Therefore you are feeding your body well, and you don't have to use them all at the same time.

Cleanliness is also of the utmost importance, and to do this, make sure you wash your hands lots of times while cooking. Also clean anything you are not cooking with antibacterial soap, this even includes banannas, which are the most contaminated fruit in the market. (ie fecal matter) So when you peel anything, remember you are then transferring all the germs from the skin to the fruit in the process of eating.

Soak your greens in a solution of 1 TBS of bleach to one gallon of water and then rinse them with filtered water. This goes for anything uncooked that you are making into a salad. Just throw it in the solution to soak.

When your CD4s rise to about 3 to 500 for six months time, then you don't have to be so anal about the cleaning, but for me, I still do it.

When you go out to eat, take your own filtered water, and don't accept a glass with their ice either. I recommend you don't eat salads out until your immune system re-builds either.

All in all, just remember you have an immune system that is weak, and it needs time to rebuild. So try to be safe at all times, and I think you will start to feel better soon enough.

Also you might buy some Bryers ice cream and make milk shakes once in a while. This will put some weight on, and be a real shot of protein, especially if you make them peanut butter shakes. That is the really one thing that my sweetie kept feeding me to help me restore my body and I have to tell you it really works.

I hope some of these things will help you, but most of all, remember you really need a very healthy breakfast EVERY day. Don't skimp. Try to eat healthy snacks all day, including whole tomatoes, nuts of all kinds, and anything that will provide you with antioxidants.

Now spend the weekend seeking out the farmers market in your area and shop there.

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The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals,and 362 to heterosexuals.This doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals, It's just that they need more supervision.Lynn Lavne

Thanks for your very kind support. It has been tough, although the climb has gotten easier than what it was, I just have to keep telling myself that I have come a long way from where I was. Once again thank you both.

Tim,

Thanks for sharing your knowledge on diet, but most importantly hygiene and food prep.. I think, while I fancy myself as an awesome cook, your advice here shows I have a long way to go when it comes to my personal diet.. and most importantly cleanliness in my habits in the kitchen. I really hope others gain something from this as well. My country roots makes me a big fan of grits; I say this because growing up we never went without grits for breakfast. I will admit I have not eaten eggs much lately. From your advice here I am definitely going to head to the grocery store and pick me up one of those 18 pk carton of eggs and get back to some good animal protein like you suggested. I love a big bowl of grits with scrabbled eggs thrown in... one of my favorites actually. I don't know why I did not think about your suggestion on the shakes. An easy and tasty snack that can definitely add some calories to my diet. Funny when I went to type add I hit "SS", so to my ass as well...lol. I am definitely going to heed your useful tips...

Tom, I just opened my new POZ magazine and in the back there is a stunning article on nutrition, and organics.

On the eggs, I would suggest you spend a few more pennies and buy cage free eggs. This is because they are not fed any antibiotics, or animal feed. Yes they do feed cow scraps to chickens, which is one of the reasons I think that our food chain is killing us softly. I don't necessarily think that organic eggs are necessary, because of the sheer cost, but any cage free is good. Yes they are expensive compared to the 18 pack, but figure out what they cost per meal and I think you'll find they aren't all that expensive for the amount of good shit for your brain.

Also I forgot to tell you that I haven't bought bread since January, when I started baking our own. This is a good way to determine what goes into your body, because bread from the store is full of crap. I usually buy my organic whole wheat flour from Krogers and buy the bulk stuff. Yeast is the most expensive ingredient, but if you can afford $40 a year for membership, Costco is a really good way to save enough to eat really well. They now have quite a selection of organics of all kinds, and they sell yeast for $3.00 a pound, rather than $8.00 for a 2 oz bottle. The money you will save in coffee alone in a year will pay for your membership, because a 3lb bag of whole bean coffee is only $9.00, which is $3.33 a pound. You can buy a coffee grinder really cheap at Wally world, or Kmart.

I sure hope some of this helps, and make sure to read the latest issue of POZ, because their pointers are really top notch.

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The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals,and 362 to heterosexuals.This doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals, It's just that they need more supervision.Lynn Lavne

the grits and eggs sound perfect. With bacon on the side. The eggs fried, of course, in lots of bacon grease. (I'll be right over.)

Now you're also spot on with the ice cream. My brother brought over gallons of ice cream. AFter about 6 months it finally started to work....I started putting on the pounds. Then I started getting fat so I had to quit. Talk about withdrawal. That hurt so bad.