Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Top 10 Stories From the Future

It has become our New Year tradition to team up with Will Beria, our Listmaster of Things that Didn't Happen, and make an official statement. See our lists for the years of 2012 and 2013.

This time, however, instead of a summary of things that didn't happen in the past year, we are offering a list of Top Ten Things To Come in the coming year.

1. Recovery will reach escape velocity and escape the economy altogether
2. All executive orders will be declared constitutional by executive order
3. Robert Kennedy Jr. will apologize for being white and male, blaming his parents
4. The New York Times will cut operating costs by replacing fact-checkers with rubber stamp
5. A Harvard professor will find evidence proving evidence proves nothing
6. City of San Francisco will be leveled because steep hills made it handicap inaccessible
7. Nobel-winning economists will admit bafflement that deficit keeps growing despite increased government spending
8. Last Baby Boomer will go kicking and screaming into his 60s; generation will be renamed 'Crybaby Boomers'
9. Congress will stand up to Wall Street; bankers will take their seats
10. Sesame Street will sue Letter 'S' for monopolizing both plural and possessive nouns

In more News From the Future:

A Supreme Court decision in "Fabian and Fabian versus America" will result in a declaration that naming governmental entities (cities, states, etc.) or taxpayer-supported institutions after Christian saints or personages is in violation of the separation of church and state. Additionally, using for this purpose the name of a Caucasian and/or male is declared racist and/or sexist in violation of the equal protection clause and/or something in the Constitution the Supreme Court will defer explaining to the future.

In light of the decision, San Francisco will revert to Yerba Buena and the City of Angels, Los Angeles, will become Los Humanas. The state of Pennsylvania will become the all-inclusive Pansylvania, Pittsburgh will become Peoplesburgh, and Philadelphia, City of Brotherly Love, will be rechristened renamed Philatransgendoria. St. Louis will become Middleopolis. Their pro sports teams will follow suit: the Rams will become the gender-neutral Middleopolis Sheep, and the Cardinals will become the Laypersons.

The USA itself will drop the connection to Amerigo Vespucci and become the USNC, United States of North Continenta. Disassociating from Columbus and Washington, the capitol will be renamed Omnicity, District of Potomaca. The NFL franchise will follow suit, becoming the Omnicity Redskins.