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pull up a seat and pour yourself a drink.

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Lets break this megapost apart since I went off the grid this weekend due to disappearing to the island (Vancouver Island that is) on a spa weekend. Heated bathroom tiles, massage that made me drool and wine in the jacuzzi? Totally needed.

NEWS

Last week was St. Patty’s day, and as per usual I couldn’t resist grabbing a pint downtown despite the madness of Granville Street, gross green food colouring and being hungover the next day at work. Alas, NONE of these things happened. I started my night grabbing dinner with my mom who was in town working for the week. There was a slight misunderstanding over broccolini which made my “Julia’s scale of needing a drink” rise to the above 10 level.

Julia's Drink Scale

I met up with Jordan and Aaron around 9:30ish and we began our walk down party street central downtown only to be hit with the obvious: ridiculous lineups and overpriced cover charges. We settled into The Sip, which on its regular nights is a tame lounge/martini bar. No green beer was ordered, we went straight for the Guinness and Jameson shots. Drew and Sean quickly joined and the night was heading exactly where it was supposed after many more shots of sweet Irish nectar. We began our walk to Ceilis for Irish Jig dancing, but when waiting in line I realized my phone was missing from my tiny purse. I groaned, realizing immediately I had left it at The Sip probably on our table. Classic Julia. I assured the boys I would be back in 10 minutes. Sean asked me twice if he needed me to come with, to which I replied, no. WORST.MISTAKE.OF.MY.LIFE.

See to further explain the following events and why they proceeded to SUCK, was that I was FLAT BROKE. An extremely rare occasion for Julia Niendorf, when there is less than 20$ in my account. Here is why. From the time I had to start paying bills of any sort, I’ve acquired a strange habit, which is to pay them all off the night before I get paid. This way with my pay cheque I’m at a fresh start with no debts/expenses to pay off immediately. I do this even though I know this means I might be penniless for the next 12 hours, which has never been a problem cause I’ll have my credit card or some spare cash in case I have to buy something. Not this time, I was waiting for a replacement credit card that was supposed to have arrived that day. Silly me for relying on a bank. Needless to say, I trekked through the now rowdier than ever Granville Street, having Vancouver Film Students follow me demanding that I buy them drinks because I was alumni and working in the industry, therefore I could afford it. It was like salt in the wound. YES, YES USUALLY I COULD BUY YOU DUMB-WITS SHOTS CAUSE THAT’S WHAT COOL ALUMNI DOES BUT RIGHT NOW I FEEL LIKE A FUCK UP SO LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. I came back to the Sip searching high and low for my shitty little flip phone but NOTHING. The waitress sadly informed me no one found anything. Now I really needed a fucking drink. I went back to Ceilis and of course the bouncer laughed at my “you have to believe me, I have no phone or cash, please let me in to find my friends”. So I stood outside like an idiot for 20 minutes until a drunk clubgoer told me to lick his wrist to transfer his stamp onto mine. No thanks buddy. Also, bouncer has been watching me for 20 minutes. Instead, I told him to look for a tall gentleman with inexplicable luscious curly hair and wearing a Deutschland T-shirt. Within 2 minutes Jordan came out. AWESOME. He brought me in and attempted to use the ATM to get money for cover. No dice. His debt card suddenly had disappeared. So he grabs Drew from the dance floor who proclaimed “he will take care of it” (p.s my friends are amazing, I mean this sincerely from the bottom of my heart). He goes to put his debit card in the slot, only to discover Jordan’s missing one who forgot it there earlier (p.s my friends are awesome, that one was slightly sarcastic. Love you Jordan!!!). Either way, no debit card worked cause THE ATM THEN DECIDED TO BE OUT OF ORDER. Clearly this was a sign from the Gods for me to walk my now sober ass home so I left the boys to dance the night away (which ended up to be quite a mess but bro’ night on St. Patty’s tends to do that).

As I began to mentally get ready for my 20 minute walk home sober and shaking my head angrily at my misfortunes and why the hell I even came out in the first place, a determination of sorts set in. I AM NOT LEAVING DOWNTOWN WITHOUT MY FUCKING PHONE. There had to be one good thing about this. So I went back to the Sip once again. The waitress rolled her eyes at me, thinking it was hopeless. After more searching I went to the bathroom to empty my bladder and curse my destiny. I came out, now slouching in defeat, when:

“JULIA?!”

I turned around to see an Angel, a man with a green t-shirt and baseball cap handing me my phone. I almost burst into tears. Straight up. He had found it on the table (like I thought) but kept it instead of giving it to staff (WHY, WHY). Since my phone reads “Julia Gulia” when flipped open, I had to be the Julia since I had been on the floor searching. I left elated and didn’t even think twice when I saw a drunk girl stumbling into her cab and proceeded to ask if I can hitch a ride. She was all “heelllzzz yeeaaahhhh” so I got home no walking needed kissing my little shit flip phone.

REVIEWS

Get your hands on the movie The North Shore for some truly terrible dialogue and acting, but awesome surfing footage and one liners from the greatest character in an 80’s surf movie, Turtle.

“I tried to tell you man, nobody listens to Turtle”

Basically, a young wannabe art student from Arizona wants to be a pro surfer so he spends his summer before college at the North Shore where the locals are all “yo this is our land” and he befriends a wise old-school surfer who shows him how to be a soul surfer, and not some pro who rides the waves for contests and cash. Flawless, inspirational, true cinema, etc. Add it to your awesomely bad movies list, the quotes are unreal.

Finally, to those who love Community just as much as I do, head over to Troy’s, aka the amazingly funny Donald Glover, personal blog, HERE, and immediately check out his entry on performing at SXSW. It includes highlights like:

[…] and my first thought honestly was “Troy’s gonna kill this nigga.” Why did I see myself as Troy? Yes, I was wasted, but still what the fuck is wrong with me?

I'd tap it.

His food section is also amazing.

TUNES

Just a few this week, unfortunately not much has inspired me this week.

This is not for everyone, but if you are a fan of Animal Collective and electronica rock like me, this will be up your alley. Saw them open for Cold War Kids and any band with a three drummer set up wins my heart. The singer was douchey but whatever, their sound is infectious.

Ahhhhh the Academy Awards, usually a total snoozefest but obligatory watching for us tv and film workaholics so we have something to complain about for the rest of the year over drinks.

“No fuck you, Crash totally desrved to win!”

“Are you high?! It was supposed to be Brokeback Mountain!!!”

It also starts debates on our Facebook statuses for at least 3 days. So here’s my run down of this year’s unbalanced show, in my fave format, DA BEST AND DA WORST!

BEST – Alec cameo

The funniest Baldwin came out and stole the opening skit with “YOU’VE JUST BEEN INCEPTIONNED” and sipping on Valium.

WORST – Anne forgot how to act

Anne Hathaway showed her nervousness all night by giggling too loudly and unnecessarily singing a broadway tune (although that’s probably the producers fault…), but she usually makes up in her charm. Sadly, in the opening skit Anne’s natural screen charisma disappeared, and she seemed to have forgotten that the opening skit is meant to be fun and everyone poking fun at themselves. But she was trying to make up for not being nominated. Her “performances” were just awkward compared to James and Alec, who were having a blast.

BEST – James Franco

I don’t care what anyone says, James Franco was high-larious to me. Everyone is complaining about how boring he was and how Anne Hathaway was annoying by trying to overcompensate, but honestly I just feel like this was their shtick. If they were trying to pander to a younger audience, than they got me hook line and sinker, cause every time James Franco stood awkwardly looking high as fuck and making everyone uncomfortable, I laughed every time. From playing with his phone onstage, too forgetting what won Best Picture merely two seconds later, it was a constant WHAT ZANY THING WILL JAMES FRANCO DO NEXT with my viewing group, and it kept us going for the whole show. James Franco, man of 1000 faces and eyebrow movements, marry me. I made a montage, in thy honor.

*** bonus points to James Franco’s grandma being an honorary cougar and croaking out “IIIII just saw Markie Mark!”

WORST – Odd pacing

Usually the Oscars have a patent schedule, consisting with Best Supporting Actors first to get the show going, and then a slew of technical awards so you can eat your take out and chat with your fellow watchees, and then start reeling you back in with the writing and editing categories until we get to the big cojones. But this year everything was jumbled, starting with art direction and CINEMATOGRAPHY that threw us for a loop. As people working in the industry, we take this shit for real and cinematography is important to us. So having to back away from the buffet table and shush everyone was awkward. Also me yelling out “shut up this is my category!!!” when writing came up also made me look psycho. Stick to the usual Oscars, us film nerds like it that way.

BEST – Tom Hanks, original GQMF.

Tom Hanks, presenting, being professional and charming as usual. And then he brought out some “serious business” glasses to open the envelope.

This is a serious award show.

WORST – Melissa Leo

Gurl, it’s okay, you won, time to put the overdramatics to rest. Plus, you’ve been sweeping up everywhere else, we knew you had best supporting actress in the bag. You’re pulling a Kate Winslet when she won every award for The Reader and still came up at the Oscars surprised and crying. It comes off as phony. Take a note from Natalie Portman, who’s been getting better at her speech with every award. By the time this night came around, she walked up with grace fully knowing she was gonna win and made an elequont speech and managed to thank her new baby daddy/co-star who was married when they met with a tad more class than at the Golden Globes. Well slightly, it still came off a bit icky but she’s working on it! But back to Melissa, you could have left out the lingering stare up at the nose bleed seats whimpering “Ohhh there are people up there too”. Sit.back.down.

BEST – Christopher Nolan being recognized, sort of.

There was a major, major error this year, which was Nolan not getting a director’s nod for Inception. This was truly cruel, for he truly deserved it. And when he lost in the screenplay category it was another blow. But alas, his crew of nerds picked up the slack. As they came up one by one to collect their awards (best cinematography, best sound mixing and editing, best visual effects), they each took the time to praise their fearless leader and stated they would have not been able to do what they did without his amazing direction. It was sweet, and Nolan appreciated it every time from his seat.

*tear*

WORST – How rude!

Academy made some flubs this year that were a bit um, SOMEONE NEEDS TO GET FIRED. First, leaving Corey Haim out of the in memoriam montage. If you are putting agents in, then don’t forget about Corey, for shame. Also, who was the genius who came up with the idea to put the all mighty SPEECH from The King’s Speech over the entire best picture nominees when we got to the end??? They’re not even trying to mask who their fave was and who was gonna win. Rude to all the other nominees. Yes we want to win, but it’s still bad ass to be nominated and they took the 5 second moment where you hear your movie being called out with a clip. Donald Trump, you need to fire someone’s ass. But points for bringing out flawless Canadian treasure Celine Dion to sing the in memoriam and hit her chest a couple of times.

BEST – Kirk Douglas CANE WAR

Kirk was pretty weird and it was kind of sad, but yet really funny, and you felt bad for laughing, but holy hell when he tried to grab his cane from his aide Kirk Douglas became one of the random highlights you only get from a live telecast. Plus his aide played along like they had rehearsed it.

WORST – Two sex Gods fall flat

Two of Hollywood’s sexiest actors, Josh Brolin and Javier Bardem, presented together both wearing white matching tuxedos that made them look bloated and sweaty. What the hell??? Later you see peeks of them in the crowd looking suave as fuck in their black tuxedos. Why did they chose to come out looking like that? Did they lose a bet??

BEST – Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis totally just fucked

I need a cigarette after Justin and Mila presented. First off, they both looked smoking, especially Mila with her dreamy but sexy lilac gown, but then Justin stopped midway through his speech to share a look with Mila that could have meant a thousand things. Mila’s giggly face says it all. These two totally just fucked backstage. And James Franco probably watched. PROOF!

WORST – Hugh Jackman love fest

Hey, Hugh is a great guy and he was a good host that one time, but we had so many cutaways to him and so much school crush gushing from Anne, that I just wanted him to take over at one point so it could end.

BEST – Sorkin takes it home

Aaron Sorkin had every right to win for his brilliant screenplay for the Social Network, and his speech was efficient, humble and everything a good writer should know how to master. Plus, his skillful exit at the exact right music cue was almost stealth like.

WORST – Christian Bale’s beard is out of control!

Christian, I love that you won and I loved your speech but god damn, less beard and more sexy, sexy can I, please?

RIP sexy Bale

BEST – Original Score

Loved the orchestra playing some all time faves, from Star Wars to E.T, and then Trent Reznor winning it for Social Network. Having seen Trent live and his amazing talent, I personally love seeing it being appreciated in a whole new medium.

WORST – Autotune, get out of here

I appreciate the Academy once again trying to connect with a younger audience by putting out some funny autotune remixes of some of the “young hip films” (harry potter, twilight), but it was odd and confusing for everyone in the room, except for those at home. Also, Twilight should never be anywhere near the Oscars, even in a spoof. The Social Network one was funny though.

BEST – Other sex Gods show how it’s done

Robert Downey Junior and his Sherlock Homles BFF Jude Law came out in semi-matching suits looking GQ and with truly witty banter. This is how it’s done Javier and Josh. Also, RDJ and Law for hosts next year? Who’s with me?

WORST – Gwyneth, at it again

Somehow, somewhere, someone thought Country Strong was a great movie with a great song worthy to be nominated. But did they forget Gwyneth Paltrow sung it? Woman.can.not.sing. Who are her agents responsible for this hot mess? Stop trying to making Gwyneth happen. I’ve seen her sing on too many LEGIT award shows, it needs to end. Points for Jennifer Hudson though, who had to present her while looking like she may vomit.

Darren Aronofsky’s creepster stash is amazing. I feel like it separates from his body at night and does hookers and blow. I almost wanted him to win best director just so I could see it in action on stage.

I see you pedo stache, contemplating how to woo sexy Jennifer Lawrence.

WORST – Annette Bening, one year closer to her character in Running with Scissors

Natalie did deserve her Oscar for Black Swan, but Annette is basically nominated every year, and every year you think it’s her time, but then some young actress takes it away. Actually, Hilary Swank stole it from her. Twice. Fuck you Hilary Swank.

BEST – Jesse Eisenberg, future winner

Everyone knew it was going to King Firth and his classy ass (deservedly so), but it was nice to see Jesse’s short clip in the Best Actor Noms get the loudest applause, cause it’s such an awesome clip and in 10 seconds he showed how much he OWNED that role. And that one day he will be up on that stage himself.

WORST – Ryan, where are thou?

Still bitter about Ryan Gosling not getting a nom this year for Blue Valentine. Seeing Michelle Williams’s clip in the best actress nominees with Ryan just made me think he got clearly overlooked. Plus, I wanna see his sexy ass parade around. Call me Ryan! Oh no wait, you are busy being too awesome on Clooney’s new movie visiting the local zoo. Sigh, can’t you see we are meant to be? I love the zoo!!!!

BEST – NYU what’s up!

Luke Matheny, a young and nerdy NYU film grad with a fantastic fro, took home the award for Live Action Short Film. Aka the award that all us aspiring filmmakers wanna take home one day and get our careers started. This dude won us over as soon as he said “I should have gotten a haircut”. Cause folks like us, and folks like him, never think we’re actually gonna win. But he did, and now his career is just starting. His speech was perfect, and totally representing all the wannabe filmmakers out there and how we do things (“go check out the other nominees’s films on iTunes”). When he gave his shout out to his mom for doing craft services on his film, my heart burst thinking of my mom who did the very same thing this summer on cody and I’s short. James Franco topped it off appropriately as he left the stage with fist in air, “NYU what’s up!”. Godspeed Luke, we are jealous but so proud of you.