Michael Deacon watches a committee of MPs question Damian Green, the
Immigration Minister, about the growing queues at British airports.

This morning MPs met to ask why queues at British airports have become so long and slow. In keeping with the law of irony that governs all parliamentary events, the start of the meeting was delayed. Outside the room, a queue of reporters grew and grew.

“You’ll be allowed inside in just a minute,” said the policeman on the door. Five minutes passed, then 10, then 15. Chatting turned to grumbling. A fellow sketchwriter filled in half of his newspaper’s cryptic crossword. Then the policeman ordered all reporters to switch off their mobile phones and remove their jackets. We wondered what to expect next. Shoes off? Belts off? All liquids, gels and aerosols to be placed inside a clear plastic bag?

Finally we were permitted to file in. The members of the Home Affairs Select Committee were already seated. Their main interviewee was to be Damian Green, the Immigration Minister, who is probably sick of the sight of them. Six months ago, during the outcry over relaxed border controls, they were cross because people were getting into the country too easily. Now they’re cross because people aren’t getting into the country easily enough. Mr Green must wish they’d make their minds up.

Interviewed first were executives from Virgin Atlantic, British Airways and the British Airports Authority. They blamed the queues on growing numbers of passengers, too few time-saving electronic “e-gates” and poor organisation. “I have the impression,” said Colin Matthews, chief executive of BAA, “that the Border Force need to develop their capability in planning.” I believe this translates into everyday English as “Pull your finger out, you clowns.”

But perhaps BAA needs to develop its own capability. Apparently it doesn’t even know how long the longest queues are. Mr Matthews confessed that, when queues at Heathrow stretch out of the immigration hall into the corridors, “we can’t measure them”. The teaching of maths in our schools must be in even worse shape than we feared.

Next it was Mr Green’s turn. The Immigration Minister rarely looks at ease – his default facial expression is that of a deeply troubled potato – but he’d prepared well, with explanations and excuses primed and ready for action.

At Heathrow a new central control room would help staff monitor queues. Extra staff would be hired to cope with the thousands of foreign students flying in for the new academic year.

But, he added, there was only so much he could do. Airlines needed to provide more up-to-date passenger numbers. On Friday last week, the Border Force was told 2,500 people would arrive early on Monday morning at Heathrow’s Terminal 5. In fact, the number proved to be three times that.

His most intriguing point, though, was still to come. It seems Mr Green has a problem with wind. Wind, he complained, can cause long queues, by forcing a plane to arrive a few minutes later than scheduled. “And with the best will in the world,” said Mr Green, a hint of impatience in his voice, “airlines and the Border Force don’t have control over the wind.”

You can understand his frustration. It may run counter to Conservative ideology, but perhaps the time has come for the weather to be nationalised.