Wednesday, December 10, 2014

"When you hear the word ‘disabled,’ people immediately think about people who can’t walk or talk or do everything that people take for granted. Now, I take nothing for granted. But I find the real disability is people who can’t find joy in life and are bitter...."

An empty plastic bottle lies on the sidewalk.The sidewalk isn’t very clean to begin with.... It is strewn with fallen leaves and a couple pieces of trash. A little piece down from where I am standing is occupied by a what looks to be a homeless man lying down, with whatever small possessions he has wrapped in a plastic bag sitting beside him. His clothes are in tatters....and looks like they haven't been washed in days...maybe even weeks. He sits on the cold bare ground and his only companions are the annoying flies, hungry mosquitoes, and the cold that surrounds him. He has no coat on his skinny frame and I shiver for him because even with my thick coat on...I am cold. He has long hair and a wild unkept beard. Yet he sits with a peaceful look on his face, even though he may be on an empty stomach.A few feet away, a couple of guys smoked cigarettes, and when they were done, dropped the half smoked butts not very away from a garbage can and crushed them hurriedly with their feet and walked off.A number of people walk by....Some give the man a second look, and some ignore him....and some may wish they could do something for the man from their heart, but immediately their brain convinces them that they can’t do anything for him and that there is no possible way to ensure the man gets a better life. Some may blame god or blame the man for his life. And some may call him a drunkard and call him too lazy to work and make baseless judgements.Everyone has the right to live. But their isn’t anything that says how to live. Some people say you live your life to the fullest by doing what you love, otherwise, you merely exist. But what if we can’t do what we love? Do we not live then? Was that poor man given given an option on how to live? Maybe yes, maybe no. But you definitely cannot say he just exists.If you’re with a friend who has just lost his/her phone, in the back of your mind you’re thanking your lucky stars that you aren’t in their position, even though you may go out on an extra limb to get your friend’s phone back. Now what if we take that to a higher level? The clothes you wear, the shoes you adore, the shampoo you use, the water you drink, the internet connection you are using to read this, and the chair you’re sitting in, 30% of the world doesn’t have most of the facilities in this list.

What we call a necessity, some people call it a luxury. Every Friday I spend $4.00 on a coffee at starbucks....I just spend $20.00 on a hair cut that I didn't necessarily need. Now I could give that money to a starving man and he may use the money in such a way that his entire day’s food is adjusted. Do I actually do it? No. Appreciating the things we don’t realize, which are existing around us, is something that very few people do. A ceiling fan on a hot day is something you wouldn’t give a second look, because it is supposed to be there. It issupposed to work. The day it stops working, you realize how much comfort the fan brought you....The problem with our generation is that we grew up with everything around us. We don’t realize how lucky we are to have what we have. How many times have you sat back and said, ‘I’m happy with what I have. I don’t require anything else.‘Both of my parents are from the Birmingham area...As a kid and even now as an adult, one of my favorite things to do while traveling to visit my grandparents was look at the big city lights at night. While everyone was sleeping, my dad would wake me up and tell me to look out the car window at the beautiful glow of the city. My Grandfather (my dad's father) made the absolute best peanut butter pies....I mean it was melt in your mouth good. When he passed away....there were several pies in the freezer that he had made prior...my dad took 2 of those and was bringing them home with us. We were at an intersection at a red light....I am looking out the window when I saw a man approach...Looking very much like the man I described earlier...dirty, tattered clothes...his skin looked like it was worn from many years of hardship. Hardships I will never know about. My dad rolled down the window just a tiny bit and the man asked for money for food. While my dad did not give him money....he reached into the backseat and grabbed one of the pies...and gave it to that man. His eyes filled with tears and he thanked my Dad profusely. The light turned green and we drove off. I protested that we only had 2 pies of Pepaws...and asked why he did that. He looked at me through the rear view mirror and said...."I know what its like to be hungry..." As we drove home that night, my dad woke me up to see the lights....and as I sat silently in that back seat and watched those big sky scrapers pass by...I glanced at my dad and caught him wiping a tear from his cheek. My dad, whether he knows it or not, taught me a valuble lesson that day....We realize the value of things only after we lose them. If we took time to appreciate the things around us, the things people do for us, the little things in life, the state of life we are blessed with, and stop taking things for granted, we can then answer the question on how to live life. No one can define it for you, but you can add value by beginning to appreciate it....

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

"I dreamt we walked together along the shore.... We made satisfying small talk and laughed. This morning I found sand in my shoe and a seashell in my pocket. Was I only dreaming...."

I feel lost and frantic...I hear you crying... I am trying my best to get to you. I run and run and no matter how hard I run...I can't find you. Every direction I turn, your cries seem to get more and more distant...I feel pain in my side, my legs burn, my chest is tight and I can't breath...I am gasping for air....but yet I continue to run....I vow to myself that I will find you. It feels like I run for hours until finally my legs collapse under me...I have no idea where I am but when my knees hit the ground I feel like I have failed...I have failed you. I can hear you still...very faintly...but I hear you. Tears start to fall and sob uncontrollably. On my knees, a complete and utter wreck...I feel so lost.

I hear a voice that says "Get up"...I say out loud "I can't...I have nothing left in me..." The voice commands again..."Get UP"...This time the voice is louder and more stern..."I reply again "I am trying...I can't...My body is weak, my heart is weak...I have failed..." The voice replies "GET UP! Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go!" It takes every ounce of strength I have left in my body to peel myself off my knees...my feet start to move in a slow walk...then a slight jog...with every step I feel my body start to strengthen...something has been renewed in me...I am in a full run by this time...sprinting toward the unknown. I hear your cries...as I move they get louder and louder...I am going to find you...I just know it. Arms pumping, feet pounding the ground, heart beating...I burst through an opening...and the crying stops...complete silence. All the darkness has faded...and I see sweet sunshine. I look up at it and feel the warmth on my face...taking a moment to catch my breath....my eyes scan this field that I have found myself in and they stop on a sweet, small baby carriage. I hesitate for some reason....almost scared of what I am going to see....Again, I hear this voice... "Go on...." I begin walking towards the carriage, quickening my pace as I get closer...

As I reach the carriage and peek inside.... I see a bundle of pink....I see a sweet baby girl with a beautiful pink dress on and a white bonnet...as my hands touch her hand she grabs my finger and I pick her up....I cradle this precious angel and hug her as close as I can get to my heart...I breath in her scent and the try memorizing the feel of her in my arms....I don't want to forget a single second of this. I have this complete sense of calm come over me....and I sit. I sit with my sweet baby girl in my arms and rock her...I tell her I love her....over and over again...I tell her I am sorry...and I continue to rock....

And then I woke up.....and smiled.

Right after I had my miscarriage, I started having the first part of this dream....I would run and run and could never find her...and I would wake up with my heart pounding and have such a panicked feeling. Many times I have cried myself back to sleep with the feeling of loss so heavy on my chest it was hard to breath. As the months went on...I had the dream less and less....would even go months without having it....but ever so often....it would creep back in and I would wake up with tears rolling down my cheek.

On July 30th, which was supposed to be my due date....The day I was supposed to meet my sweet baby. The dream resurfaced again....only this time, I found her. I met her....I found out that out that my sweet baby was indeed a girl....and this time when I woke up, I was smiling. I was excited....and I couldn't fall asleep. I wrote down every detail of that dream I could because I didn't want to forget a single thing. I wanted to relish in the feeling that I had at that very moment.

I have no idea what you believe....and I honestly don't care. You may think I am crazy...and again, I don't care.

I on the other hand, believe that God knew my pain...he felt my pain....and he gave me the peace I needed. I believe that I met my baby girl that night in my dream....that he gave me that. I can't remember her face...but I remember the feel of her hand in mine...I can close my eyes and I can remember what it felt like having her in my arms and rocking her. I haven't had the dream since that night....Oh I have longed for it...hoped for it...wished for another opportunity to see her again. But I know it probably won't happen....and I am ok with that. As the 1 year anniversary comes up on January 8th, I think about her more and more. I was asked the other day if I felt like I have healed....In some ways, yes....in some ways, no. I think about her often...and I think I always will. As I set out to run Huntsville again this weekend, I can't help but to think about should I have ran last year....Is that what caused me to miscarry....and even though I will never know the answer to that....I still carry that guilt around with me.

God may not ever allow me to have that dream again....but I am thankful for his grace...for his love...for his understanding. I am thankful that he understood my pain and allowed me that moment to touch her face and see her....to sit with her...to tell her how much I love her. I am thankful for the ability to dream...

About me

Jessica

I am a artistic soul that loves music, art, and anything in between. Readling a good book is the best, and I always get sad when it ends... I love shoes, watermelon jolly ranchers, and the beach..I tend to speak before I think..but there is always a truth to what I say! I have a 9 year old son that brings out everything that is best and worst in me..Sometimes when I look at him its like I'm looking in a mirror..Being his mother is my greatest accomplishment... I have been married to my best friend for 6 years..He truly amazes me everyday..I am not perfect and I love learning about myself day to day..some good and some bad...but all in all..I kinda like me.. :)