About Me

Friday, January 29, 2016

Why Do We Love Whom or What We Love?

Romantic hero number
one, with stars in his eyes, asks romantic hero number two the age-old
question, “Why do you love me?”

And romantic hero
number two, who is a wise man indeed, gives a response that at first blush may
seem glib, “Why not?”

This morning I am thinking about why we love what or who we
love. That question, I would think, would have great resonance among readers of
romance, because it’s core to most of our stories—and often a writer feels he
or she needs to give credible motivation for a couple falling in love. And in
fiction, I kind of agree, but is it true for real life?

At the very first Gay Rom Lit retreat in New Orleans, I had the pleasure of having lunch
with reviewer and author Elisa Rolle and my dear departed friend, William Neale. At that lunch, I
asked Elisa, with her reading far and wide in the genre of m/m romance, what
interested her, a straight woman, about two men falling in love. She had an
answer, which was, basically, that she loved romance and she found the power
dynamic in hetero romance to be, finally, unsatisfying. Those books often had a
lot to do with a woman being somehow rescued by the love of a big strong man.
But, she said that in a romance between two men, the power dynamic between the
love interests was often more equitable.

I thought that was a brilliant answer and one I have
oft-repeated when people ask me why a large part of my own readership is
straight women.

But then I began to wonder—why does it matter? Why does it
matter why you like gay romance over
straight? We like what we like. I have finally come to the conclusion that
asking the question of why straight women prefer gay romance over straight is a
futile exercise. For one, the answers, if they even exist, could be as varied
as the respondents. But number two, and more importantly, is the fact that it doesn’t matter. Questioning why you
like something can be an exercise that sets itself up for failure.

Who knows why we like gay romance? We just do. Do we need to
understand the motivation to enjoy the end result? I don’t think so.

We don’t need to understand why we love chocolate ice cream
over vanilla.

We don’t need to understand why we prefer T-shirts and jeans
over more formal dress.

We don’t need to understand what psychological machinations
cause us to choose vodka over scotch.

We just like this over that.

We simply know what we like. And I think that holds true with
reading. If we think about it, we may say we like romance because we love
reading about that moment when two characters find one another and fall in
love. But why ‘gay romance’ someone might ask. And I grant you the freedom to
say, simply and truthfully, “I just do.”

Which brings me around to the real question on my mind this
up-before-it’s light Seattle morning, why do we love who we love? From my own
personal experience, I can tell you that, for me, finding the person who might
seem like the perfect mate on paper can often be the worst choice. My most
disastrous relationship was with a man with whom I had the world in common. If
we hadn’t headed down the romance road so quickly, we may have been great
lifelong friends. But instead, we chased after a romance we both thought would
be right, because we had so, so much in common.

But here’s the thing: we had no spark. There was no magic.
And, ultimately, the romance we tried to forge withered on the vine.

Conversely, I have had relationships that have been totally
wrong in almost every way for me (and that also ultimately didn’t work out),
but some indefinable reason, they
were a lot of fun and there was a spark. Who knows why?

Now, I am fortunate enough to have found someone with whom
we had a spark and with whom I’ve found harmony and that is one life’s most
cherished blessings. But I have also grown old enough and wise enough not to
look this gift horse of true love in the mouth and ask, “Why?”

The only answer, really, is “why not?” Because, whether it’s
books or life partners, the answer to that question isn’t really what matters.
What matters is, “I just do.”

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Real Men. True Love.

I draw inspiration from the lives of gay men to craft stories that quicken the heartbeat, engage emotions, and keep the pages turning. Although I dabble in horror, dark suspense, and comedy, my attention always returns to the power of love. I'm addicted to books--I've written and had published more than 35 novels and counting, some of which have won awards and made it to the top of the Amazon bestseller charts. I'm forever at work on yet another book. Lambda Literary called me: "A writer that doesn't disappoint…" I live in Palm Springs, CA with my beloved husband who tries, mostly successfully, to keep me out of trouble. When I'm not writing, I'm cooking, reading, running, or traveling.

Visit (and please follow) my Amazon author page to see all the books I have waiting for you to dive into!