In the aftermath of KristenStewart’s affair with Snow White and the Huntsman director RupertSanders, I suggested to her that if she really wants to win RobertPattinson back, she should go to LushCosmetics and invest in a good shampoo. People have unique tastes in romantic partners, but nobody wants to date an actual dirty, grimy, sweaty, greasy, smelly girl. Or guy. Or whoever! I guess Rob must have stumbled upon Celeb Dirty Laundry and read what I said, because a new insider is reporting that Rob is seriously turned off by Kristen’s “low-maintenance” style. “Rob’s a laid back guy,” the source explained, “but he is starting to find Kristen’s grungy habits a turn off. She rarely washers her hair, only brushes her teeth once a day at best, and very rarely wears perfume.”

I don’t know why they commented on her perfume—it could be in reference to the huge ad campaign she just got with Balenciaga for their new fragrance Florabotanica, or perhaps Rob thinks perfume would help to cover the BO? Whatever her perfume tendencies, Rob is over it. The source explained to NationalEnquirer, he’s “warned her that he’ll dump her for good if she doesn’t change her slovenly ways.” Don’t quote me on this, but isn’t lack of cleanliness one of the seven deadly sins? Something like that! Which means that thousands of years ago, before Kiehls and running water, the primitive humans (the ones who invented/discovered algebra and all that important stuff) thought personal hygiene was important.

Now that the Twilight franchise is closed for good, Rob is getting a chance to see what Kristen really looks like. “He loved it when she made an effort to look her best during the Twilight promotional tour. But now she’s back to her lazy old self, and Rob’s not impressed.” Of course, Twilight promotional tour means a fleet of personal stylists, waxers, hair washers, and make up artists. All Kristen has to do is be a limp human—what she’s best at! Oh my gosh, beauty schools should use her for training! Rob’s had a total wake up call since Kristen unplugged from red carpet life. “He’s looking at her in a different light and he’s nowhere near as forgiving as he used to be. He told her that if she doesn’t do something about her hygiene and appearance, he’s leaving.”

This story may sound totally absurd, but I think there’s probably a grain of truth to it, for a couple reasons. First, how you present yourself shows how you feel about yourself. Kristen goes out looking like unwashed garbage in a baggy white v-neck. NO one wants to date a downer! Second, it doesn’t take a scientist to tell the difference between washed and unwashed hair. Her hair is mostly unwashed. Gross. No one wants to date someone sticky. Third, you know when you’re in public and you get a whiff of something and can’t figure out the source? And then you realize it’s a person? Try having sex with that. Conclusion? Rob should dump Kristen unless she’s ready to join the human race and start showering regularly.