Do the Olympics mark an unmissable opportunity for twentysomething North Korean leader Kim Jong-un? Not for a visit, you understand – Kim Jong-un is one of those leaders with whom, in the insouciant words of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the 2012 organisers "have a problem". But the imagination is stirred by reports that Kim recently toured a bullet factory and shooting range to offer guidance as to how his country's sporting marksmen could become more successful.

Such a fascinating detail forces a call to the North Korean embassy – based in a detached house in leafy Ealing – where I ask an attache whether Kim will be offering formal coaching to Team DPRK. After all, the coach of North Korea's 2010 World Cup squad claimed the late Kim Jong-il was directing the side via an "invisible mobile phone" of his own invention. There is a long pause.

"I couldn't speak about this."

Is Kim the athlete his father was? (You'll recall the Dear Leader's first round of golf featured five holes in one and he finished 38 under par.) "Well, we are not sure," comes the diplomat's apparently less than diplomatic response, suggesting whispers of Kim's sporting genius have yet to percolate down to his dominion's more suburban outposts.

Olympic medal Photograph: Michael Steele/Getty Images Europe

Olympic medal Photograph: Michael Steele/Getty Images Europe

Either way, the Games may offer the North Korean regime the chance to cement its position as purveyor of the finest excuses for disappointing athletic performance. At the 2010 World Cup (where North Korea posted an eminently respectable 2-1 loss to Brazil), the national coach blamed their opening defeat on the fact that "most" of the players had been struck by lightning a month before during training. And only a year before, state media had announced the entire side had been poisoned before a World Cup qualifier on the personal orders of the South Korean president.

A version of the eye-topped pyramid that appears on the US dollar bill. Photograph: Apic/Getty Images

Olympic medal Photograph: Michael Steele/Getty Images Europe

Exciting developments, meanwhile, in this column's search for an Olympic-appropriate sponsor. A partnership with Chicken Cottage is looking likely, but that could all change if we get the nod from longtime London favourite Kenssy Fried Chicken, whose name and logo have always stood as two greasy fingers to the trademark of Kentucky Fried Chicken magnate Colonel Sanders. We'll know more by Friday.

Speaking of The Colonel, it is well known among the cognoscenti that the world is in fact run by a secret society of the five richest individuals or entities, called the Pentaverate – which included Colonel Sanders before he went tits up, as well as the Queen, the Vatican, the Gettys, and the Rothschilds … but if you want your eyes opened, then YouTube Mike Myers's Pentaverate speech from So I Married An Axe Murderer.

And so to London 2012's burgeoning conspiracy culture. Now, you may be one of those benighted folk convinced the "conspiracy" is visible in broad daylight – namely, the decision to quadruple the original budget at the same time as allowing the IOC and its corporate partners to override all manner of laws and freedoms. I'm afraid you couldn't be more wrong. Type London 2012 into YouTube, and two of the 10 most popular searches include "the Illuminati". Our doughty truthseekers don't always agree, but on 2012 there's quite the consensus. I'm afraid I'm too stupid to understand a lot of it, but the upshot seems to be the prediction of an imminent false flag attack – a terrorist assault during the Games that will be blamed on some 13th fairy like Ahmadinejad, but will actually be the work of the Illuminati. Evidence? Well, take a look at the triangular floodlights in the Olympic stadium, and just try telling the conspiracists that they aren't specifically modelled after the Great Seal, the eye-topped pyramid on the US dollar bill which sits above the motto "Novis ordo seclorum" that is so often mistranslated as New World Order (see above). Do note David Cameron posing just underneath one of these floodlight structures. Why? Because he's one of them. They ALL are.

Incidentally, conspiracy theorists moved to email me between one and several hundred times tonight – or to post screeds of comments – may care to know that all these are literally printed out and shredded into the false snow which hides the entrance to the Rothschilds' fortress of solitude in the Canadian Rockies. So work out whether you want to be part of the problem or part of the solution.

However, exemption will be granted for claims that those wishing to take over the stadium post-Games are Illuminati operatives. I can't see Leyton Orient's Barry Hearn making the cut, but if the two Davids, Sullivan and Gold, of West Ham are the Official Bongo Partner of the New World Order, then I want to hear about it.