thoughts of an absolute daydreamer.

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Before I left my previous job, I came up with a checklist of what I’d my next job should be. In that list, I mentioned the ideal location, type of company, field/industry, schedules, and salary. Since the time I settled the fact with myself that I’d leave my previous job, I was presenting this list to God everyday whenever I pray.

When I was in elementary, I remember one of our teachers telling us during our Christian Living class that we should be specific when pray so that God would know right away what to give us.

Growing up, I only prayed when I need something. One of the clearest memory I have wherein I put this “principle” into practice was towards the end of 2011 – when I was desperate to have a job by January 2012. (I think when adulthood drives us to desperation, we cling onto the things we used to believe in and learned as a child.)

However, when I read The Fourth Dimension by Dr. David Yonggi Chorecently, I realized that what we were told before wasn’t just some “made-up story” to make us pray. It was apparently the real deal. (That school really did so much in my life. I can never thank them enough.)

On the morning of March 9th, I was praying to God for the job interview I have that afternoon (the story behind this will be told in another post). I asked Him to share His wisdom to me, to guide me in answering the employer’s questions, to let me know if this is already the job He had prepared for me to get into next.

Then my mind suddenly thought what if they don’t offer good salary and benefits. So, I started praying for them right away. I prayed that they would offer a competitive salary, good benefits, etc. and I suddenly felt embarrassed because I felt that I was asking for too much, that I was being too demanding. I was so guilty, so I apologized.

This was probably the first time I felt embarrassed for asking a lot of things from God. I remember how shameless I was in the past whenever I pray. I did ask God to help me and my friends to secure a good spot at the JYJ open concert back in 2014! Like I said, shameless.

After praying, I opened my Bible (I was starting the Book of Psalms that day) and what He told me through the pages of His book blew me away. He didn’t tell me, “It’s okay, I understand.” Instead, He was saying, “What’s the matter with you? What you’re asking me right now are nothing. I can give you more than that if you just ask me.”

God never set a limit on our prayers.

He will never tell us that we’re asking for too much. He doesn’t tell us that we could only ask for things that come in a specific shape, size, or quantity. He doesn’t list and count the things we ask from Him. He will not stop us from asking Him for anything just because we have already asked 10,000 things from Him yesterday or last month.

God wants us to pray BIG prayers.

He wants us to dare Him to do the impossible. He wants us to give Him a room wherein He could perform His miracles. After all, God is capable of giving us unbelievable and unimaginable promises. If He can fulfill them all, then He can surely answer our measly prayers.

God just wants to astound us, but He wants us to let Him.

“I will proclaim the Lord’s decree:He said to me, ‘You are my son, today I have become your father.Ask me, and I will make the nations your inheritance,the ends of the earth your possession.”(Psalm 2:7-8)

It’s surreal and weird to be just staying here at home, in my room, on a Friday. This isn’t the first time I quit a job, but unlike in the past, I feel as if I shouldn’t be here in my room. Before, I would savor the smoothness of my bed – squeezing my pillows and rolling under my covers. Now, there’s a restlessness inside me that pushes me to go out and do something. Good thing, the thought of limited funds and weekend activities made me stay put in this house.

No, there’s no job yet, but I’m already looking. I already submitted my application to three companies (one already rejected me and it hurt). I know three isn’t enough considering I’m praying to have a new job next month. However, I can’t help but be strictly picky this time around. I have a checklist that I hope to fill for my “dream” job:

Located at the country’s top business district – it’s my comfort zone.

Morning shift – I’m done with mid-shifts, I want my evenings back.

Weekends off – my weekends are untouchable!

Non-BPO company – I’ve been working for BPOs since I finished college.

Has to do with marketing – copywriting or events will do.

Almost if not the same salary from my last job – I’m willing to haggle but not that much.

Of course, this isn’t entirely up to me. Though I have submitted this checklist to God, it’s still His plan that will push through. I’m not going to do this my way, but His. If this isn’t what He wants for me, then I’ll gladly accept it because I know that His plans will always be better than mine.

I have already experienced how good it is follow His plans. Never again will I force mine. Though I acknowledge that accepting, trusting, and obeying His will is not easy. No, it isn’t. It’s beyond challenging. It’s a struggle. It’s frustrating, stressful, and a whole lot of emotional whirlwind. And I know that it’s possible that I will undergo all of that again in the future because walking with God requires constant surrendering of your self, your plans, your dreams, your wants, and your needs.

When God told me that I’d be leaving my last job (as I have written last February 2017), I cried. It was hard to accept that He was changing everything when I have already planned for my future already. However, I knew there was nothing I could do, because when God said something, it will happen. There’s nothing we can do to go against Him. We’re not that powerful. So if God says that He doesn’t agree with the my checklist, there’s nothing I can do. I’ll have to accept that.

When I begrudgingly accepted that I’d be leaving, I wasn’t in the position to leave yet. I was sent to London back in September 2016 and there was a training bond that came along with it, which means I couldn’t leave the company for one year or else I’d be paying some huge amount of money. I could’ve left and paid that, but I knew that God wouldn’t want me to spend money that I didn’t even have. He wanted me to wait and it was painful. It was a good thing though, because I still had no idea what I should do next.

When the bond ended, the pressure was on. I was free to leave, but I was still stuck. I still hadn’t figured out what I was going to do. I had no idea what to do look for. I was thinking that I had already exhausted all of my options. Of course, I was wrong. Then one day, during a conference in our church back in October 2017, I heard God’s voice. While listening to the pastor absentmindedly (because I was exhausted and had only a couple of hours of sleep) about his one experience in the past about leaving a job, I heard Him telling me, “It’s okay. Leave.”

Just like that, I was relieved. I still had no plans or strategies. I also had no savings (unlike in my second to the last job, I had no means of doubling my salary in any way because there was no extra workload to be taken). However, despite all that, all my worries were gone. I just trust God completely with this one. Suddenly, the ideas of what things I could do next started coming to me. I knew I’d be fine. I was at peace.

Ever since that blessed October day, I have prayed relentlessly about my resignation and job hunting. I give all my concerns to Him every single day. Repeatedly. Because despite knowing that God has my back, circumstances try to force me to think that I made the worst decision in my life. They’re causing me to panic. Just like last Saturday when I couldn’t help but worry as I watch my dwindling savings, I rushed to the job portal I use to look for a job. That’s when I learned that one my of applications was rejected. I was crushed. I couldn’t sleep. I cried. Thoughts of not being able to find a job on time came rushing to me.

Fortunately, I knew better now.

Even though it was midnight, I picked up my devotional notebook and Bible and prayed. I was troubled. I thought I’d lose my momentum, my footing, and will start crashing down once again. I needed comfort and peace. His presence provided me just that. He told me that He will protect me from any discouragement that circumstances will throw at me.

“On the twelfth day of the first month, we set out from the Ahana Canal to go to Jerusalem. The hand of God was on us, and He protected us from enemies and bandits along the way.”(Ezra 8:31)

I have to admit that 2017 ended in a not-so high note for me. Yes, the last month was uplifting and hopeful, but majority of the last quarter was all tears, anger, pain, hurt, and frustration. It was so unbearable to the point that I wasn’t looking forward to 2018, because I thought none of the things that are weighing me down would come to an end.

However, God is gracious and merciful. He gifted me strength, courage, wisdom, faith, hope, joy, peace, protection, and love on my birthday last December. All of the sudden, I could breathe, smile, and laugh again. Even though my 29th birthday wasn’t how I hoped it was, He still gave me the best presents I could ever have at that time.

Due to His gifts, I was able to anticipate 2018 with a bit of excitement (there was one thing that made me want to cling onto 2017, but He also took care of that at the nick of time). I even made some resolutions. Simple ones. Like I intend to wear colorful and stylish clothes (I mostly have simple blouses with neutral colors in my wardrobe – I want more color! I blame this from watching too much Gossip Girl, but I just have to achieve even the tip of the casual!Serena van der Woodsen style). I also hope to learn how to use makeup (yes, at 29, I still really suck at it). So, before 2017 ended, I dragged my older sister to the nearby thrift shops to look for cute clothes and I shopped for a pair of shoes and bag at the trade sale at some mall. As for the makeup part, I have yet to talk to one of my friends who’s a makeup expert.

Another resolution is an old one – to write more often. Though I did better last year, I still suck compared to the goal I have set. I wasn’t even able to write about my Taipei trip, my high school friend’s wedding, my experience at Kim Jaejoong’s fan meeting here in Manila, and…my thoughts about Kim Jonghyun’s suicide. Among other things. I wasn’t able to write about my struggles also and my realizations from those struggles. I hope I could do better this year. I don’t know how but I will try again. I also hope I could write about the things I mentioned above even though they’re already overdue.

Lastly, at the beginning of this year, I found myself praying for something – that, this 2018, may there be more of God and less of me. I’m fully committing to let go and let God control every single aspect of my life starting this year. As Carrie Underwood had sung over a decade ago, “Jesus take the wheel.” No more arguing, no more fighting, no more pushing and pulling. I intend to walk in obedience to God this time, to wholeheartedly pursue a holy life like God wants us to do. It won’t be easy, but at this point of my life, it’s important for me to have God’s presence at all times and I can only do that if I stopped falling into unfaithfulness.

There are a lot of unknowns this year. I have some plans and I have no idea how they will transpire. By Monday, I’ll be handing my resignation and I don’t know where I can possibly end up next. There’s also pursuing a master’s degree at my dream school, which so happens to be one of the most expensive universities in the country and I still have ZERO savings for that. So, I have nothing right now except to entrust everything to God because, with Him, nothing’s impossible and I have learned that if we follow God’s path for our lives, there’s nothing but good things for us along the journey.

“And David became more and more powerful,
because the Lord Almighty was with him.”(1 Chronicles 11:9 NIV)

When all of the suddenI am unaware of these afflictionsEclipsed by gloryAnd I realized just how beautiful You areAnd how great your affections are for me.
(Jesus Culture – How He Loves Us)

For weeks until last week, I have been feeling a bit off in some incomprehensible way. I couldn’t really point out what it really was but it made me feel a couple of things – some intangible, some concrete.

One of the concrete things it made me feel is loneliness.

I feel as if I have no friends.

(Well, aside from a couple of people who I rarely see or spend time with.)

At work, I feel so alone.

From having a solid group of friends, it seems now that I have none.

Whenever I approach people, I feel as if they just talk to me out of politeness. They entertain me but don’t totally let me in. I’m never involved in their lives. I’m never a part of it.

Reaching out has made me feel a bit tired.

I say they only remember me when there’s something they want to make happen – a baby shower for someone (though I did want a baby shower for someone), a farewell surprise for another, a congratulatory celebration for people who’ll be taking their board exams, etc. Don’t get me wrong, I love doing these things for them. I just hope that I could be more than someone who can make these things happen.

When I’m not there, no one will really – like really – miss me.

No one needs me for me.

Everyone just seems to need me for what I can do.

Then last Wednesday, a friend of mine asked me if I have something to do after work. I said I’m free and teased her about missing me. She said, “Yes.”

I wasn’t totally excited but I was happy.

I looked forward to it.

After work, we walked around outside our building to find a place to eat a very late dinner. We found one and talked. She told me about some stuff that she’s finding it hard to share to other people. I gave her my own views, explained some of her whys, and shared some of my own stuff.

It was just a couple of hours but I was filled with so much joy.

The next morning, I told a very close friend of mine about it.

I said that invitation for the late dinner meant so much to me, because at that moment I was someone else’s friend.

I was missed because we weren’t spending that much time with each other. I make someone else’s day happy and complete. I was important because I’m the only one who she could share some things with at that particular time.

I was a friend who, at that time, didn’t have to be the one who reached out but a friend who was reached out to.

That friend I shared these feelings with told me that it was God’s gift to me. I didn’t see it that way and I was thankful that she was able to make me look at it like that. So, I prayed to God and thanked Him for it.

As I was thanking Him, I realized something.

Does God feel lonely too…When He reaches out to people only to be just being entertained for a little while?When He realizes He’s still not a part of that person’s life after talking to him or her? When He is simply someone people need when they want to make something happen?When He feels no one misses Him even for a little when they don’t spend time with Him?

On the other hand…

When we invite Him for a very late dinner, When we reach out to Him and shared our problems and thoughts to Him, When we need Him for who He is instead of what He can do,When we treat Him like a friend,Does He feel overwhelmed with so much joy too as if His heart would burst?

While asking Him these questions, I was crying.

When I shared these thoughts to my friend, my eyes were glazed with tears.

I have known since who-knows-when that God loves us so much – greatly and unconditionally.

He sacrificed His son to save us from our sins. He forgives us repeatedly despite our stubbornness. He reaches out to us continuously and tirelessly even though we reject Him over and over again.

However, that day, it’s as if it’s the first time all over again of learning about the kind of love He has for us.

These thoughts still overwhelm me until now. Even last Sunday, while the worship team was singing “How He Loves Us” for the communion, I remember these once again and I couldn’t help but cry.

I pray that people will welcome Him and involve Him in their lives because having Him brings so much happiness, joy, and peace.

I pray that people will see God more than just their provided and problem-solver. I pray that people will see God as their best friend.

I fell in love with English back in 6th grade when our school administrator became our Grammar teacher. She made all grammar rules sensible and understandable, but my English still sucked at that time.

At that time, the books I only owned were my school textbooks and children’s story books. At that time, I consumed my time watching Filipino TV shows and Filipino-dubbed animes. My sister kept on insisting I read more books and watch English TV shows, because the best way to learn a language is to expose yourself to it.

She was right.

Early 2000s

English became a huge part of my life in high school. I was studying in an all-girls school. In the Philippines, there’s a stereotype that goes around that students in all-girls schools and all-boys schools only speak in English. Of course, that’s an exaggeration.

When I got there, I learned that the girls don’t speak English all the time. They still used Filipino – actually, Taglish (Tagalog-English/Filipino-English) is the main language of the school. However, when they’re called to speak in English, they can speak in English.

Another thing I learned (which the judgmental people outside the all-girls school community didn’t mention or probably have no idea about) is, unlike in the grade school where I came from where students’ past times are just playing and watching animes, students in all-girls schools read books. A LOT OF BOOKS.

It was 2001 – the first Harry Potter movie was scheduled to hit the theaters. Before that year, I didn’t know what and who Harry Potter was. All I knew was it was a book and the Catholic church hated it.

A friend invited me to watch it with her. Unfortunately, I was the girl who wasn’t allowed to go to malls without her parents and I was the girl who failed her English subject because she didn’t took the practical exam for her Speech class which was to speak in front of her classmates.

I was grounded.

It was somehow sad because I thought could finally learn who Harry Potter is without having to read the book. Up to that point, I was still clueless about the whole HP phenomenon.

My Mom got an idea. It was pretty clever. She bought me my first ever book: “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.” She thought it would help me learn who Harry Potter was and improve my English.

As the cliched English idiom goes, it’s killing two birds with one stone.

It worked.

I read the book. I still remember how I repeatedly read the first paragraph of the first chapter because I wasn’t so sure if I was understanding it. It was my first time reading a full-length novel. I was scared. I was intimidated. I was thinking I would never finish it.

Good thing, JK Rowling was amazing.

After getting over the initial “shock” of reading the first page of my first full-length novel, the rest of reading journey went on smoothly.

I was absorbed in the Harry Potter universe that JK Rowling had awesomely created. I wish I could really be in there and never would have to leave.

I was still a slow reader, then. I had to sleep early because of school. I had homework every time I came home. It took me a week or two to finish the book.

That’s how my love for reading started.

While waiting for the 5th HP book, I picked up Sarah Dessen, R.L. Stine and some others. I was introduced to fan fiction (I love Harry/Hermione and Draco/Hermione stories – my greatest frustrations). I was addicted to reading.

Late 2000s

Writing started when I was in college.

(My writing skills back in high school was totally nonexistent. When our Filipino teacher required as to write a short story, I went to Fanfiction.net and looked for some HP fic I could translate into Filipino for the said homework.)

I can’t remember anymore what day it was. All I can recall was it was 2008. I was in class, bored to my wits. I was addicted to the anime called The Prince of Tennis. I was reading a lot of PoT fan fics – I was a Perfect Pair shipper (Tezuka Kunimitsu/Fuji Syusuke) and, sometimes, others. I was having my own PoT scenarios in my head and they won’t shut up.

Out of nowhere, I started writing my first fan fiction. It wasn’t a love story. It was just a character-centric one. It’s a cringe-worthy story (not because it was badly written – though I admit my grammar back then was still atrocious, but because the story was dumb), but I posted it online. There were a few reads (and fewer reviews) but I wasn’t discouraged.

I wrote a love story after.

They were short stories at first. Then, they became chaptered ones. I wrote about my favorite ship, then I started experimenting with original female characters. Sadly, when I was already doing this, I started working and didn’t have enough time to focus on those stories anymore.

It’s impossible to finish an unfinished story if you leave it for a long time. Your mindset as a writer changes. Your writing style changes. Your vision for stories changes. Trying to go back to how you were “feeling” and “thinking” when you started your story is an almost impossible feat.

Early 2010s

I didn’t stop writing. Writing continued after college.

However, I moved to a different fandom.

I left the anime world and relocated to the KPOP universe. Though it was already 2010 when I started writing for KPOP, my KPOP obsession started way back in 2003 – back in the days of dial-up internet.

There, it was back to scratch.

Writing for an anime is easier, there’s a plot and an existing story. In KPOP, there are only characters – the artists. The only story you have is the news about them, the circulating anecdotes about them. I did write stories using real events as plots, but I couldn’t just focus on them only.

I had to learn how to make an original world, universe, reality for KPOP artists in my head.

(Okay, I did try to write an original story back in high school. After the translated HP fic incident that my teacher never seemed to have noticed. I can still remember the name of my main character – it was Dylan. However, I wasn’t able to finish it and I didn’t have enough confidence for it.)

It was November and I learned about this thing called NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) from the authors I was following on Twitter. It’s a website you had to sign up to and, when you join, you had to write a 50,000-word novel in the whole of November. It seemed fun and even though it was already 3rd of November, I jumped in to join the excitement.

I already had an idea in mind. It was supposed to be a fan fic, but I decided to just write it as an original story. I reached the word count by the end of November. However, since the goal was just to write a 50,000-word novel, the whole thing was a mess.

2016

When New Year came, I told myself that I would get my novel published.

I planned to proofread and edit the whole thing starting in January. I was already looking and asking about publishers online.

However, laziness got in the way…

…and so are other things.

I lost my passion for writing. The three chaptered fan fics I was working on that time were all left hanging (and so were my readers). The only writing I did during those dark times was the letters and messages I was sending to a friend of mine.

I wasn’t reading any book. The reading I only did was the re-reading of the first four Harry Potter books and KPOP fan fics.

I got depressed.

Everything was left unfinished.

However, I had enough sense to decide that I should shift my focus on something – someone – more important: GOD.

2017

I created this blog.

Before 2016 ended, I said I will get myself back on track.

January: I jumpstarted my reading with Chris Tiegreen’s devotional book called “Hearing God’s Voice” and two other devotional books. I also read my first book for a long while – Mara Wilson’s “Where Am I Now?”

February: I attended my first writing workshop – How to Write Love Stories. I finally got to writing again.

March: I realized I don’t have the heart and appetite for books with steamy elements – thanks to Colleen Hoover’s “Ugly Love,” which I had to take deep breaths now and then just to get me through. Then, thanks to three-day encounter the church organized and through the 90 Days Challenge, I started reading the New Testament of the Bible.

April: I skipped several writing workshops because they were on Sundays and I could never put anything before God on Sundays. Reading Victoria Aveyard’s “King’s Cage” became really hard for me as well. It’s so full of unforgiveness, revenge, anger, and all things that the Bible told me to never dwell on. I was so focused on the things I was learning from my devotions, cell group and church that writing was put on hold again.

May: My love for inspirational and Christian books also started. I wasn’t writing still but I also realized there are still love stories that I can read like Jenny Han’s “Always and Forever, Lara Jean.”

June: I encouraged a friend who doesn’t like reading to read books. I lent Cecilia Ahern’s “Love, Rosie” and Colleen Hoover’s“Maybe Someday” to a friend at work. Another friend at work asked me read Bryn Greenwood’s “All the Ugly and Wonderful Things” but couldn’t finish it because my heart was continuously protesting against the things the book stands for.

July: I finished the New Testament. Also, after a three-month writing hiatus, I started updating this blog again. I was convicted to write again after several devotions talked about putting God’s gifts to use and after our pastor preached about work on our God-given talents that would give us value (and eventually success) in the future.

August: I attended National Bookstore’s “The Philippine Readers and Writers Festival 2017” just this weekend (an event that I’ve been planning to go to since 2015) and I sat down to several talks about writing. I met amazing and interesting Filipino authors like Nikki Alfar, Mina V. Esguerra, Samatha Sotto, and Bebang Siy (my favorite). Also, before the event, I deleted all my fan fictions from the internet. I realized they can’t exist anymore. I misused my gift of writing to spread wrong ideas of love and lust.

— — —

I’m happy that it’s been good so far. I have been writing a bit constantly. Ideas for blog posts are pouring. Though I’m struggling with something I can’t identify right now, the drive to write is strongly present. I have so much yearning when it comes to my writing. I’m constantly lifting this dreams up to God, praying and hoping that He would continue to fuel this passion and gift that He had given me. I aim to use my gift to advance His kingdom. I’m not a good speaker, I talk better with written words, this is the best way I know how to honor and glorify Him (for now).

I haven’t written poetry for a long time. Well, I did last year, but this one came in more naturally. Thanks to the recent needs that surfaced, the urge to write poetry was triggered.

I wrote this piece a week ago (or was it two weeks ago?), but I didn’t get into proofreading and posting it until now. I guess watching a movie with a character who loves writing poetry is a good encouragement.