All the things I’m missin’, good vittles, love an’ kissin’, are waitin’ at the end of my ride

“He just put my Wagon Wheel in his fart gas”.

Now there is a sentence you don’t read every day. Indeed when Bob Junior (female) said this earlier I commented that, quite possibly, this was the first time this sentence had been uttered by anyone (living or dead).

For information, yes I did, but it was still in it’s wrapper.

Personally I don’t like them. It does link almost neatly though into my first proper memory of Christmas. We were staying in Market Bosworth with my uncle’s parents and I must have been 4? Anyway I got the best gift ever, a plastic clip together toy fort with towers, ramparts, a jail and a big sort of ranch house. Cowboys (well cavalry) and Indians (well Native Americans), cacti and wagons and horses. It was the best. I got many many hours of high quality play with that. Even more than my later gift of a Prairie Rocket train set (which I note is still under the cabinet in my Creators dining room in Stockport.

Timpo Toys! That was who made it. Just done a web search and found the following French Foreign Legion image. I had these ones. Brilliant.

I need to dedicate a whole Boblog to my love of toy soldiers. Me and Steptoe discussed the fact we had the same gun emplacement the other day. Superb. When we were kids I mean. For soldiers, not a real gun emplacement, that would be like illegal WOMD.

Now I had a plan for today’s Boblog and it has turned to dust thanks to the Wagon Wheel mini-soliloquy. I was going to discuss things that rhyme with ‘Love’ and had decided to begin with ‘Glove’. To be fair that was the full extent of my planning process.

Gloves. I first put a glove on my hand after hearing the song ‘Hand in Glove’ by The Smiths and realised a) two gloves work best (‘Hands in Gloves’ would have been better Mozzer you idiot) and b) unless they are on string running through my coat sleeves, I always lose one. Oh yes c) too, I never bother earing them. Like brollies and hoods, just too much faff.

I’m a glover not a fighter.

Glove me tender.

Glove is the drug.

Glove like blood.

It all works really. I prefer ‘Glove x Glove’ as this creates a real mathematical challenge or possibly even a biological one to see what sort of offspring a woollen glove and a leather glove would produce.

When Gloves cry.

That is cheating a bit but I’m allowed one.

Bob Junior (male) went back to uni today but didn’t need Big Daddy’s help other than with packing his car up for him. I am the master packer. Then I waved wistfully from the front window as he drove off. Actually he took so long going I had to go out to see what he was doing. I reckon he couldn’t bear to say goodbye. I never can say goodbye. Nor could Jimmy Somerville.

In my first week of work after uni – yes, I was a trainee Chartered Accountant – I saw The Communards at the Brixton Academy. I recall that I had tonnes of accountancy study to do that evening so I couldn’t drink and got in late and then worked until the early hours. That was genuinely a major wake-up call that this was not the job for me. I resigned at the end of week 2 I think, but they let me stay until Christmas (3 months). I still recall trying to sleep in the toilets as I was sooooo bored, and probably hungover. That was when I was 21 I should stress n.b. 31 years ago. I am older now. That’s called ageing.

This picture and caption is nearly right. I hum or make up most words but I can name the artists and songs. Off to my first gig in a while next month, Teenage Fan Club (The Fannies) at the Electric Ballroom. I reckon I have never been there but my pal Pat Coombs says we saw Kenickie there (who I didn’t like) and I kept singing the (few) lyrics (I knew) from ‘Poison’ by Alice Cooper in her ear. As I recall I did that most places we went.

Back to gloves, I did use to have a pair of goalkeepers gloves with the rubbery dimples. Green ones. If you used to have any gloves with rubbery dimples I would love to hear from you.

The gloves below are neither green nor dimpled. They are gloves though.

Sticking with football, West Ham keep texting me about tickets. This time it is cheap cup tickets v Macclesfield. I would rather go to Orient and see a competitive game for the same price. Just saying.

My weight loss plan is not going well. Added weight on in my first three weeks. It’s not my fault. I have been good today so far but did have two Ainsley Harriott cuppasoups. Delicious. I really like Ainsley. He could easy do Jamie Idiot Oliver in a fight even with one arm tied behind him. I would pay to watch that. I also like his couscous concoctions. Jamie Idiot Oliver is probably best mates with Nigel Idiot Kennedy and Garth Shutupplease Crooks. Ainsley could do the lot of them. Idiots.

Don’t rub it mate – bish bash bosh!

Bosh is of course a character on Vic and Bob’s ‘House of Fools’ currently playing on one of those Comedy Gold channels. Really funny. Bosh is played by the man wot does Angelos Epithemiou. Quality. I am also rewatching series 1 of Fear the Walking Dead. I went off it in season 2 when they just pootled about on a boat, but then it got good again and in the next series Lenny James’ character Morgan moves over from The Walking Dead to this one. Lenny James was really good in the first series of Line of Duty too. Hooray for Lennie James!

Lennie James was also in Cold Feet. Truth.

If I was in a zombie-infested place I would hide in a secure place where there was an inexhaustible supply of tinned food and fresh water, with my family and friends around me. I would tell anecdotes and sing songs to keep up spirits and to protect Mrs Bob I would follow here everywhere she went and indeed still ask her ‘where are you going?’ to be doubly safe. This sounds a sensible plan to me.

If you would like to stay safe with me in the event of a zombie apocalypse then please either marry into the family or become my friend. If you wish to hear a sample of my anecdotes and / or songs do let me know.

I should stress – and I may have blogged this before – that if it is a vampire scenario, then regrettably I cannot help you as I would let them bite me immediately. That is too scary to endure and you get to live forever drinking juice.

Well I stuck to the plan to focus on one topic ‘Gloves’ and I hope you learnt something. I know I did.