Starbucks Coffee

Ok so us Judges have had a bit of a long break and this is the first one in a while - but we're back! This is a whole beaner - and as soon as you open the pack the first thing to strike you is how black it is. It's black as hell, and when you grind it, it shatters rather than grinds. These beans have been taken to within an inch of their life in the Starbucks roaster. A normal strength plunge also gave us a very black brew, like a runny molasses. It comes out with a very flat surface - there's no foaming or finesse to this - it doesn't look great in the cup. But it does taste pretty fine - for a super roasted, dark, strong coffee - this does the job well. Some of these darker coffees we've had are very easy to over-egg and turn into a cup of ground up BBQ charcoal, but not this one. This will just knock your lily-livered socks off, throw them out the window and run over them with a dirty great truck. It's good - but it has to lose a couple of points for the over roasting. (8/10)

I don't like to admit it, but Starbucks have done it again with this one. It's only a strength 3, but don't be fooled by that - it's well under rated. Unless we just instinctively spoon up these weaker brews without even being aware we are doing it? This coffee is superb - there's no other word for it. Full of flavour and not bitter. It would satisfy anyone - from the hardened Judge down to the weakest child - there's something for everyone in this one. It can only lose 1 point for not totally blowing my head - but that's my own perversion. To the average man, this is a 10/10, but for this judge it's a 9/10.

I could barely get this one down due to eating my own f*cking words at the same time! Starbucks = corporate shit. Colombia = coffee shit. Those were my words up until now. The Starbucks bit you can understand - glossy chain coffee shops selling just a "house blend", staffed by minimum wagers. They may sell a lot of real coffee in packs - but it's all over priced - this one is 4 quid a bag. Mind you - recent coffee price hikes means £3.50 is the entry level these days, so maybe I'm being harsh on them there. As for the Colombian thing - we all think their coffee will be so cool - those Colombians are famed for their stimulant production after all - but the coffees we've had have all been well under par. BUT... this one is a total blinder! Sorry Starbucks, sorry Colombia... this one is like ramming your face in a big hairy nut sack until you can no longer breath. Impossible to cock up in the making - every cup has been luscious. For taste this one is a 10/10 - but I've got to dock a point for the super-oily grind - the surface has floating tiny oil specks on it every time, leaving nasty ring marks down your cup as you pause to slurp. If you can get over that (or just glug it down in one) then it's second to none. Nice one Starbucks... at last. 9/10

The first thing to note about this one is the large grains - you can't stack up a big spoon of this stuff - it just slides straight off. It's almost as if after grinding it they washed it, which can't be good. It smells slightly ashey too. But on making this at our usual strength it comes out pretty good. OK it's not super-sophisticated - but it does the job and it pleasantly drinkable. There are plenty of other coffees out there though which are better than this one, and don't cost as much (this is a 4 quidder). So I would buy it again - but i'd be looking for anything else in preference! (6/10)

This looked great straight away - a nice gentle foam on the top. The only thing that detracted was it seemed to have an oily surface - almost like a mini oil slick swirling around in there. Once you get over that though, the taste is right up there. Us judges now know about the whole Kenya/Altitude/Citrus thing (thanks, Mike Riley of Taylors) so when we read about it on the side of the pack, we were ready to believe it. What was the first thing Judge Coughee said when he glugged it? It tastes of fruit! Hank's still not quite having it though. I'm on it though - a definite lemony twang. It hits you the second it's in your mouth, but it doesn't linger on. When it's gone, it's gone. It's like a fruity bullet just grazing your tongue as it speeds past. A great coffee - would be a 9, but at the usual Starbucks extortionate price of £3.95, it can only score an 8/10 from me.

This has been a cock-up from start to finish. First off, it got made with a kettle of COLD water in a catastrophic user error. Then there's the fact we opened it a month ago and still havent reviewed it. Then the re-make turns out to be as anemic as hell. There is a flavour in there, but I'm not getting it in the usual 6 spoon cup. Scoring badly at 4/10 for now until we turn it up to 7. Maybe you need the "dark chocolate torte" rammed inside the cup at the same time?

Our first Starbucks - people have been asking Where are the Starbucks?!! So we picked this one to start, drawn in by the idea that this tastes of black currants. First things first: it doesn't. Again we fall foul of the self grind and I think over grind it, giving a very muddy coffee resulting in a dry taste. There's nothing else that stands out about this - which is shocking considering the whopping £4.25 price tag. That's nigh on double the cost of a packet of the Taylors Hot Lava Java. Needs a second try. Initial Judge rating just 5/10!