Told he couldn’t cancel over the phone, he typed up one of the most magnificent breakup letters we’ve ever read and posted it on Reddit under the title: “Planet Fitness wouldn’t let me cancel over the phone and required a certified letter to cancel since I live in a different state now. I dropped this in the mail today.”

The letter is truly a work of art. “It is with deep regret and a heavy heart that I write this letter,” he began. “Certain events in my life have put me in a different place, and while it was one of the more taxing decisions I’ve had to make of late, it is the right one. The purpose of this letter is to end my relationship with Planet Fitness Orange.”

He explains that he’s moved on—to a new gym in his apartment building “with a state-of-the-art whatchamacallit.” Like any classic breakup, he offers his condolences and expresses his lingering adoration. “I don’t want you to be jealous, or to judge me based on this decision. That’s not the Planet Fitness that I know and love. I still love you, but more like a friend at this point. I’m sorry things couldn’t have been better between us.”

The gym does indeed state pretty clearly on its website that breaking up—err, canceling a membership—by phone or email isn’t allowed. “We hate to see you go! But if you must, the process is easy,” the website states, although Mastrrbasser might beg to differ. “You can fill out a cancellation form at the front desk of your home club, or send a letter (preferably via certified mail) to your club requesting cancellation. Memberships can’t, unfortunately, be canceled by email or phone.”

No word yet on whether or not Mastrrbasser has unfollowed Planet Fitness on Instagram and blocked its texts. But he did amend one final gem to his letter: “P.S. My wife also needs to cancel her membership.”