Saturday, January 4, 2014

The Perfect Potato, just a phone call away....

(Am I the only person who really hates this woman's voice? Maybe it's because I'm pretty sure she's the same person who has been trying to tell me this junk for roughly 20 years now, but wow it's annoying...)

I think I could do a separate blog focusing exclusively on these Available Only On Television products. They are all basically the same, falling into one of three categories:

1. The Very Cheap Solution to a Very Expensive Problem. Got a dent or deep scratch on your car? Dulled headlights? Pets with bad breath? The standard answer to these potentially life-ruining difficulties Could Cost Hundreds of Dollars. But here's a quickie fix you didn't even know existed. Don't pay a mechanic or doctor outRAGEOUS fees- just use this cream or spray, problem solved in seconds! Now don't you feel like an idiot?

But wait, you can get double the amount, just pay separate shipping and handling!

2. The Very Cheap Solution to a Problem You Didn't Even Know You Had. How much television do you miss because you simply cannot hear it? How many times a year do you just walk into that glass door, causing serious injury to yourself? Driving at night without Miracle Eagle Eyes sunglasses is taking your life into your own hands- you'll probably get yourself killed one of these nights. And speaking of getting killed- how have you managed to live this long without a Miracle Hose or Raptor Straps? You could pay HUNDREDS for products that look just like this in stores.....

But wait- you can get double the amount, just pay separate shipping and handling!

3. The Very Cheap Way to Prepare Ordinary Food You Thought You Knew How To Make Already. Everyone LOVES fried chicken, pot roast, scrambled eggs, bread, cakes, cookies, ice cream, pizza- but no one ever actually EATS any of these things because it's just Too Gosh-Darned Hard To Make. (Not to mention that a box of cookies can cost you HUNDREDS of dollars in stores....) You had no idea how incredibly hard it was to cook until you spent time watching the idiots fumble around a kitchen in these ads (hey, lady? Those potatoes will cook faster if you stop OPENING THE FREAKING OVEN.)

But wait- you can get double the amount, just pay separate shipping and handling!

This particular commercial includes a feature I like to call "padding:"- having spent ten seconds giving us a bs explanation for how this potholder with a flap will cook our potatoes to fluffy hot perfection in four minutes, almost the entire remainder of the ad is devoted to showing us What We Already Knew We Can Do With Potatoes. Cheese? Sour Cream and Chives? Bacon bits? No Way!! Does this thing come with a recipe book, because I'm sure I'm going to need help remembering these revolutionary serving suggestions?!

BTW, I watched a video review for this product- it doesn't hold four potatoes, it doesn't cook them in four minutes (takes more like ten,) it does not cook the potatoes evenly and (least surprisingly) it does not make the skin crispy, which in my opinion is required of a good baked potato.