How we build relationships has fundamentally changed as a result
of the Internet. Yet few people realize the implications. Dale
Carnegie's 1936 classic, "How To Win Friends & Influence
People,"has helped tens of millions of people
build in-person relationships. We need new universal principles
for building relationships online.

Throughout human history, the predominant way we've built
relationships is through real-time conversation. This throne is
about to be taken over if it hasn't already been.

Beers at the bar has become status updates. The shift is easy to
belittle, but we should pay respect. Creating content is far more
important than most of us realize.

Our content (the photos, videos, audio, articles, and status
updates) can reach many more people than we ever could
one-on-one, reflect our most authentic self, and distill our
deepest wisdom. It serves as a beacon for kindred
spirits and business collaborators by sharing who we are
and what we know. If done right, it accelerates relationships by
months and years.

We all now have a god-like ability to to instantly publish our
thoughts to our global network with the click of a button.

However, a voice does not a singer make. Most of us are
squandering the tools we've been given and blaming it on the
tools rather than ourselves.

How do we get
over this awkwardness and build authentic relationships
online?

Getting over the awkward teenage years of
content

Throughout all of human history, it has only been in the past
five years that a significant percentage of society has started
consistently creating content. In other words, we are currently
in eight A.S.U. (after status updates).

We are in the awkward teenage years of learning how to
communicate online. And sometimes, it is no less awkward than
those years were for most of us.

During my most awkward phase of high school, I did everything I
could to fit my idealized image of popularity. I threw away my
sweatpants for a whole new wardrobe at Abercrombie & Fitch,
including a scarf I wore indoors. I started taking creatine and
lifting weights daily so I could have a six pack and 'guns'.
Finally, I bought a library of VHS videos from Amazon.com on how
to dance, including everything from hip-hop to Salsa. None of it
worked.

My life changed when I learned a very simple set of principles;
'listen more than you talk', 'smile', 'remember people's names',
and 'encourage others to talk about themselves'. Dale Carnegie's
"How To Win Friends And Influence
People" unlocked a whole new dimension of connection I
had seen others have, but never experienced myself.

Here's the problem; the Internet did not exist when Dale Carnegie
was alive.

In-person we know who we're talking to and how they feel about
what we're saying. It is easy to hold attention. Online the
audience is invisible and distracted.

We need a new
set of universal principles that help us build authentic
relationships in the digital era.

The 12 commandments everyone should follow to build
relationships online

Much has been written about the art and science of creating
content in the fields of journalism and content marketing. Little
has been written about 'content relationship building', creating
content specifically designed to build an authentic network.

The following 12 principles, developed from personal experience
and interviewing top content relationship builders, can be used
to win friends and influence people online:

1. Pick a
platform that reflects your strengths. Each form of
expression (audio vs. video vs. text vs. photos) requires time
to find your voice on and understand the
intricacies of. Some platforms are better suited to who you are
than others. Start with one platform, master it, and then move on
to others.

2.
Share your inside
story. Be just as
transparent with your inside story (challenges and learnings) as
you are with your outside story (results and successes).
Paradoxically, the things we're most afraid to share are
often what connect us the most with
others.

3.
Identify your biggest
counterintuitive insights about the world. Deepen your most
valuable insights about the world so they are clear, convincing,
and useful to others rather than generic (i.e. — work hard,
follow your passion). As doers, we consciously learn things until
they become automatic. Then, we forget about them. This is more
efficient. However, if you want to share your unique insights in
a way that is valuable for other people, you need to deconstruct
your lessons learned.

4.
Know
the truths you'd be willing to die for (or at least sacrifice
for). Online there is a
temptation and an ability to create a version of ourselves that
we think others want to see, but that does not reflect who we
truly are. This may work in the short-run, but it ultimately
leads to you feeling like a fraud and being perceived as less
trustworthy by others. Identify the values that are most
important to you and that you actually consistently follow
through on.

5. Prepare to
present, not have conversations. Communicating online is
more like a speech than a conversation. Take the time to modify
how you express yourself so it reflects your most authentic self.
This extra time can actually help you be more authentic, rather
than less.

6. Learn how
to tell your story through the content you
create. Learn the grammar of
storytelling. We are hardwired to pay attention to and understand
stories. There are underlying, learnable patterns to great
stories such as having a relatable main character and
a plot with a conflict, turning point, and
resolution.

7. Cultivate
digital self-awareness. Take the time to
understand how your content is interpreted by others. The
feedback mechanisms (comments/likes/shares vs. tonality/body
language/facial expression) are completely different online
than they are offline. The challenge of the Internet is that most
of the audience is invisible and gives no feedback. If you don't
proactively counteract this lack of data, you could delude
yourself into a reality that does not exist.

8. Respond to
all commenters in the beginning. Only a small percentage of
your audience actually interacts with your posts. Examine the
pros and cons of different approaches and commit to one. It is
often more important, easier, and more rewarding to be very
active when you're just getting started. As you get larger, there
are more comments than you have time to respond to. Furthermore,
there are trolls who posts negative comments no matter what you
do.

9. Focus on
your headline. The most read words
of your writing will be your headline. The second most read will
be the very first sentence. Invest your time accordingly. There
is a learnable science of virality.

10. Find your
voice that is uniquely you. Practice
finding a match between your
authentic voice and resonating with an audience.

11.
Communicate like you're talking to a friend (or at least a
human). Drop roles and labels (i.e.
— customer, acquaintance), and treat people with as much
thoughtfulness, kindness, and integrity as you would a
friend.

12. Create content that you'd want
yourself. Think of creating content as connecting
personally and deeply with kindred spirits, not broadcasting for
the masses. If you treat people like a mass audience, they'll
respond in-kind.

We know how to make
friends in person, now it's time to learn how to adapt to
online.BurnAway/Flickr

The meek shall inherit the
internet

The skillsets required for
having a great conversation are different than those required for
creating seminal content. Therefore, there will be new winners
and losers in the online world.

Ultimately, those who are able to successfully and consistently
capture people's attention for their ideas, causes, and
businesses will be those who deliberately practice the skillset
needed to be successful in this new world.

The hardest part of practicing isn't learning the mechanics of
storytelling. It's the emotional labor of sharing who you are and
what you think with the world. It's being vulnerable. It's
constantly breaking social norms in order to be true to yourself.
It's sharing ideas that you believe to be true, but that no one
else knows or agrees with…yet. It's not being sure how other
people will respond. It's not knowing if you've crossed a line until you've hit
publish.

How to practice the hard part of building relationships
online

In June 2010, Dr. Brené Brown made one of the most important
decisions of her career. She was going to be delivering a TED
talk later that month on her vulnerability research. She was tempted to
just share her research results. Instead, she decided to also
share her personal struggle with vulnerability. This approach
deeply connected with the audience in the room and audiences
across the world digitally. Taking this risk was not easy. In her
words, "I woke up the morning after I gave that Talk with the
worst vulnerability hangover of my life. And I actually didn't
leave my house for about three days." 16 million people later,
her words have had a huge impact on the world.

It's easy to turn feelings of uneasiness into an excuse for why
it's not worth the risk. Here's the problem, if you play it safe,
you could be robbing the world of you and your message.

NYU professor, Terri
Senft, who coined the term microcelebrity, provides a valuable set of
questions to ask yourself in order to help you navigate this new
path: