Saturday, October 06, 2007

The sound of Charlie Hall fills my ears and faintly in the background, I hear the clock ticking out each second. A moment in time never to be repeated again. Moments I have not always been so grateful for.

In this place, during the early morning hours, I have spent many moments watching pictures flash by on the TV screen. Hearing the words, but not letting them sink too far in. While my mind filtered the media, my heart felt a strange heaviness. And yes, sometimes bitterness.

You see, I'm not up at 2:00 am by choice. My life has changed drastically over the past year. Not be it by choice, but changed nonetheless. While my family enjoys a night of rest and refreshment, I sit downstairs unable to fall asleep. Sleep Apnea, Restless Leg Syndrome, and Insomnia has seen to that.

So my nights pass by in a dark basement wide-awake. And my days pass by in front of a computer, trying to focus, but falling painfully short as my eyelids droop lower and lower.

To be thankful for such a "curse" has been a foreign concept. Because after all, before this condition blindsided me, I had lived a year and a half filled with sickness, pain, and fear. But being thankful for even this is the journey that I am on. Because where once I fought for "normal" nights, I have now accepted that this is the place I'm in and I am here for a reason. And knowing that is freeing.

With the turbulence that has been shaking up other areas of my life, maybe God knew I'd need these hours to myself. To think, reflect, and pray for His guidance and strength.

Is it difficult to live like this? Yes. Do I know when I will get better? No. But maybe those aren't the important questions.

Maybe the important question is "What am I going to do with this cross I have been called to bear?" I can fight it and by doing so, waste a lot of time and energy. Or I can accept it as part of His divine plan and look a head to the day where I see His plan perfectly in hindsight.

I've decided to choose the later of the two. After all, every moment is a gift. Whether it comes are 4:00 pm or 4:00 am.

Praise God from who all blessings flow. Even the ones we don't always recognize.