Your Ass Is Destroying Society

Adrian found me in my office–crying over my desk–watching this video. He thought I was watching a video about the ASPCA or Elmo or Transgendered Bats With Rabies or something legitimately worth crying over, but no. THAT.

There are so many problems with this video that it absolutely borders on the criminal molestation of my cerebral cortex every time I watch it.

This video proves that once and for all, we are doing a spectacular job of fucking up raising our girls.

Look at me and tell me the truthWhat do you do When people don’t knowWhat we go through

First things first, in what person are you speaking here? GRAMMAR, MOTHERFUCKERS. DO YOU USE IT?

I want to give you a hug and burn your subscription to all your girly magazines. They are lying to you. I know how you’re feeling. You need validation of success. You’re horrifically insecure, which led you to make this video in the first place. It just may be the saddest thing I have ever seen.

No one ever, it seems, encouraged you to find pursuits other than attracting attention to yourself. You were never encouraged to work hard and achieve, to learn, to strive, and to know humility. You were only told how beautiful you were, and it breaks my heart that you’re already seeking this kind of attention.

They see my blonde hairBlue eyes and classBut they don’t knowI have a really big heart

Lady Rule #315: If you say, “I’m classy/Have class/shit class,” then you are absolutely not. Also, the imagery of you meaning “ass” and saying “heart” instead gives me a raging FreudBoner. Your heart is NOT in your crotch, m’dear. Your heart is not in your butt. The butt is only for special people.

Again, first things first, Miley is not a role model. Miley has a dreamcatcher tattoo in her armpit. Sound life decisions are not high on her list of accomplishments.

You’ve already learned The Romney: the only way to feel like a real person is not just to be better than everyone else, but to make them feel bad for you in the process. If I ever got a little uppity about my life or my choices, my mom would slap me. I thank her for it, because it taught me to remember to be grateful. I’m not better than anyone, I’m not as bad off as I could be. I shut the fuck up and work hard. I learned from that slap.

You could use a HumiliSlap or two.

I do disagree with girls calling each other names, because we’re really not helping one another out when we hate on more attractive/successful people than ourselves. That being said, if you say things like “I have hot girl problems you don’t even know about,” it’s really super hard not to call you names. Even me, and I’m a classy motherfucking feminist lady.

Hot girls we have problems tooWe’re just like you, except we’re hotThe world needs to open their eyesAnd realizeWe’re not perfectAnd sometimes we lie

The world owes you no favors. The world has bigger problems than worrying about your goddamn #hotgirlproblems. Hunger. Racism. Terror. Sexism. Clean Water. Nature. Kirk Cameron.

You’re so selfless it’s painful.

The real kicker is that last line, “sometimes we lie.” Women already have reputations these days for being manipulative liars most of the time.

Thanks for putting that in song version. You’re really being a servant to womankind there. Much appreciated.

I’ve got the lookI’ve got the buttBut those things don’t make me a *slut*Boys call me stuck upGirls say I’m conceitedOn behalf on all hot girls those comments are not needed

You’re conceited. BAM, BITCHES. This song is the most perfect demonstration of conceit ever recorded outside of Trump Tower.

Also, once again with the butt thing? I clearly did not spend enough time worrying about my ass when I was your age. Now get off my lawn.

Just cause I’m prettyI have to be dumbI don’t care about whichI just wanna have fun

No! NO! You DON’T have to be dumb! You know why? There’s this whole novel concept that your looks don’t define you. It’s fucking weird, but what you look like has no bearing on your talent as a doctor or parent or physicist or comedian. You get to be who you are, regardless of being “fuckable!”

Oh wait, no, I just read the first two lines. Yet another brilliant use of The Romney here in issuing a prompt about-face on your beliefs. You don’t want to be pretty and dumb, but then you don’t really care if you’re either because you just want to party.

My uterus is caving in on itself in response.

People start rumorsAnd say things about meFunny thing is I didn’t go to the party

Rumors are not cool, but you could stop being rumor-fodder with shit like this.

Hot girls we have problems tooWe’re just like you, except we’re hot (hot hot hot hot)The world needs to open their eyesAnd realizeWe’re not perfectAnd sometimes we…

That cliffhanger is killing me! YOU WHAT? Join the girl scouts? Learn a new skill? Visit a museum? Become a mentor? Be who you be?

Hot girls we have problems tooWe’re just like you, except we’re HOTThe world needs to open their eyesAnd realizeWe’re not perfectAnd sometimes we lie

You just repeat the chorus. Okay, great. Thanks. I really like feeling my uterus scream in agony.

Why oh WhyCan’t you seeYou are allJust like meWe make mistakesAnd get in troubleNow you know our hot girls trouble

Mother of God.

I…I agree with this bridge here. All girls have similar problems because we’re all in this together. Weird girls, nerd girls, pretty girls, fat girls, tall girls, girls with acne, girls with boyfriends, girls with and without virginities and families and problems and money. We’re all in this with one another. We make mistakes and get in trouble and that’s OK!

Hot girls we have problems tooWe’re just like you, except we’re hotThe world needs to open their eyesAnd realizeWe’re not perfectAnd sometimes we lie

GOD FUCKING DAMNIT.

Hot girls we have problems tooWe’re just like you, except we’re hotThe world needs to open their eyesAnd realizeWe’re not perfectAnd sometimes we lie

Thanks again for repeating this. You’re hot, you’re perfect, you lie, and you’re so obsessed with your asses. Lookin’ good for sexism, girls!

Just kiddingWe’re perfect

Thank God, because I was really worried for a second that you had too much humility.

We have failed as a society.

—

Where else are we failing our girls? More on that, what do we do?

–Episode 5 of the Podcast is up! We talked to Jen from Jen E Sais Quoi. She’s unbelievably hilarious on her blog and IN REAL LIFE. We do some impressions, hate on hipsters and Coldplay, and we even break it down and get real for a few minutes. I cry at one point. THAT good. –Favorite Comment From The Last Post:From Misty: “Woo-hoo, Dani!! I have loved her for YEARS. And I only discovered her existence about 8 months ago. THAT’S how fucking funny that bitch is!”

Noa, you are such a good person for wanting to explain to these lady douches that their value does not lie in their (arguable) hotness, because every time I watch this video the only thing that comes to my mind is “I WANT TO BREAK THEM”.

Not physically, mind you, I want to emotionally break them.

I want to ask if their stepdad was gentle when he took their virginity. If they’ve noticed that one of their breasts is significantly smaller than the other. If they’ve ever been told they kinda look like Tori Spelling.

I had to overcome a lot of trepidation to click “play.” It was not worth it. Fucking thanks, Noa. Also, did I miss the part where solid black raccoon eyes = hottest biatch evaaaarrr? Because the one on the right might be trying to steal my soul at this very moment.HeatherRose recently posted..Stupid Dr. Pepper

GREAT POST. It made me cry too, during the years when I was raising my daughter, which were also what I like to call “the britney spears years”. It’s not capitalized because I don’t consider it a person, just a brand.
How are we failing our girls? My answer is by failing to be adults. Adults do not empower children to spend money on worthless crap put out there by shysters who are willing to pimp out their own children. Adults do not allow the sexualization of young children to be glorified or watched in their homes.
Unfortunately, a large percentage of parents today are not adults, and have no interest in that. We have taken all the honor out of the words ‘woman’ and ‘mother’. Actually, I think we had an auction, and all we got was a dollar. But it came with several magazine covers. If we agreed to appear naked. Oh, and with hair and makeup to make us look like someone else. Who has been dead for decades.
And we agreed.
I’m 47 and extremely disillusioned and confused about the so-called women’s movement. If you couldn’t tell. lolmomiss recently posted..I am bad at this….

We haven’t given them an alternative to this, yet. We’re working on it, but what we tell them is to be anything other than “The Hot Girl” takes a whole lot of work and disappointment. We haven’t yet told them that being “The Inspired Girl” is even more beautiful and lasts across fashion trends and diets. It transcends grade levels and college acceptances and varsity sports letters. It is what makes the hard work and disappointment of the rest of your life worth it. And no one feels sorry for The Inspired Girl because she doesn’t feel sorry for herself.Jillian @ Brilliant Title recently posted..Still Working On That Whole “Funny” Thing

Just your typical narcissistic, self-centered person whining about how tough it is to be “hot.” Just like going in to a job interview and stating that your weakness was “being overly committed and working too hard for my employer.” Alert! That ain’t a weakness. Just like being “hot” isn’t a cause that I need to hold a telethon for.
We have, to use the buzzword of the century, empowered a generation so much that they believe that any infraction against them, real or perceived, makes them a victim in need of validation.
The real shame in this is that it is modeled for kids by politicians and talking heads (not the band, the band Talking Heads was awesome) and celebrities all trying to find some gaff or slip of the tongue or something else said by someone to become outraged about. I think all these people have one person on staff that combs through YouTube, newspaper articles, talk radio, TV and whatever-the-hell else you can think of to find the newest example of racism/misogony/anti-fat/anti-skinny/anti-beautiful people that someone might have said (as long as it comes from a person with differing political/social/religious beliefs than they hold).
Fuck ‘em and feed ‘em fish heads.

Wow, so much in this post . . . Jen’s podcast (which I’ve gotta wait until lunch to listen to and fully appreciate it’s sure-to-be genius), favorite comment!! (what what?) and a breakdown of this hilarious tripe.

How many times have you actually watched/listened to this, Noa? Please stop, for the love of Jeebus. You are only hurting yourself.

I think it boils down to speed. Everyone is interested in the quick buck, the fast reward, the immediate praise. If you are pretty on the outside, that is what people immediately experience, and that is the fast gratification. So what if you are a miserable douchebag on the inside with no redeeming qualities? It takes ages for people to care about that, right? It’s all about our immediate reaction, and looks trump personality on the immediate recognition scale every day.

It is up to parents to attempt to create good people out of their children. To instill in them values that rely on treating other people with respect and not judging them on how they look. Pretty basic, right? So much harder than you would think, especially with the fucked up values of our current society at large. I am working on it with my boys. I hope that others are working on it with their girls. Hoping with fingers crossed (and the work put in for my kids) that there is a backlash to all this superficial nonsense in the near future. But I’m not holding my breath.Misty recently posted..My Super Dooper Looper Week

I hated clicking on the video because I know that will just help validate them by how many hits they get.
God help us, really? Those girls need to get atomic wedgies with their jr sized g-strings.
I bet they have matching tramp stamps.DevilsHeaven recently posted..It Be DONE Yo

I’ll have to watch the video later but based on your comments it’s clear skipping it is also acceptable. Composing a (horrible) song about how hot you are but stating that you’re *not* conceited? Yea… that one makes sense….CrazyTragicAlmostMagic recently posted..Random Girl and CTAM Are Hooking Up!

That was so fucking horrible. I think I may have scarred my 9 year old by making her watch this and then reading your scathing commentary. At one part of the video she was actually digging her fingernails into her forehead with her mouth open. I win at parenting.Starle recently posted..Napalm the Mummy Guilt

When Snooki reached the New York Times best seller list I was convinced that was the 7th sign of the Apocalypse and then I see this. If you’ll excuse me.. I’m going to go build a bunker and stock up on Andy Griffith and the Golden Girls. If I’m going to be shat from the bowels of hell, I’m going to take Betty White and Barney Fife with me.Haley recently posted..I hope your character traits skip a generation.

Guys, you all are looking at this wrong. You need to thank those little vapid things for being true to their own stupidity. Please, little skanks, go infest the clubs with Paris Hilton and work on your oral technique. Whine and bitch, collect all of your friends and tweet all of your troubles to each other. The thing is, when they collect in their limos and clubs, they and their ilk are not standing in front of the paintings at the museum that you want to see. So go party in the VIP, and shoot your homemade porn and amuse yourselves. I’ll take my daughter to see the good plays and we’ll be at the zoo.
DaveDave in Sherman recently posted..Week 14

So there was an interview with these girls, and they actually seem pretty cool. They were posting something making fun of hot girls for fun for their friends and it went viral. They seemed kinda cute in the interview, and completely unconcerned about the negative feedback.Leauxra recently posted..I’m Gonna Melt Old Age Right out of my Skin

On the one hand, yes. This video makes these girls look extremely unintelligent. On the other, I have trouble with the fact that the first reaction of most people is anger and name-calling. I just find the anger toward women in our society to be sort of out of control and disturbing. So in cases like this, for me, the best reaction is no reaction at all. Let’s focus on all the smart, evolved, contributing women in our society, and just not buy into the Jersey Shore generation. (I’m not a troll, I’ve posted here before.) (About being chased into a tree by a cow, in case you were wondering.)

Umm…I think I have a right to be angry. My first reaction is anger BECAUSE I’m a woman. I am angry at what young women in our society are being taught is healthy or attractive. I get that you’re trying to focus on the positive, but in this case, that’s like rewarding the kid who’s not doing anything just because another kid is being a jerk. How are they supposed to know what’s right and wrong? There’s no way that anyone in their right mind should be happy about anything this video says or teaches and if we don’t say, hey look, this thing pisses me off because it’s wrong, then what happens? Abso-fucking-lutely nothing.Puna recently posted..Monsters, Meet My Boomstick

As a twenty-something female it is disappointing to me when videos like this don’t outrage people. These girls were taught that if people find you physically attractive, nothing else matters. It is that mindset which has led to the amount of women with eating disorders and the ‘thinspiration’ campaigns. Problems don’t go away just because you ignore them.

“If you aren’t angry, then you aren’t paying attention.”Ally recently posted..Death warmed up

As much as I’m a fan of the adage “If you ignore it, it’ll go away,” I’m sorry to say that this song/video is so freaking typical of what’s going on with young girls/women of today that to NOT get angry and to NOT react to it would be irresponsible.

Those girls and this song are a product of today’s society. The reason the song is out there is because unfortunately it speaks to the younger generation of women who obviously feel that they can identity with it. And therein lies the tragedy.

BTW Noa, thanks a lot. I now need to take a screwdriver to my eyes and an icepick to my ears because this will never, ever leave me. Oh wait, maybe I could use the screwdriver for both. I’ve never thought of that before…Puna recently posted..Monsters, Meet My Boomstick

Miley Cyrus also dryhumped a pole at the Grammies and gave Liam Hemsworth a handy under the table at the Oscars after party. That bitch is one achy-breaky tart.Jen recently posted..Dining For Douchebags

Psh. If I was so angsty about people calling me concieted, to the point were I had to make a youtube video about it, i’d be calling my life a fucking dream right now.

In all honesty, I’m frightened. I have two daughters and while I have a firm grip onthe balls of life and no one and no thing dares fuck with me, it’s not something I grasped overnight. I had extremely low self esteem, self worth and self confidence and it was girls like this that made me feel inferior. “You have to be pretty, or you have nothing.” I don’t ever ever ever ever want my daughters to think this.

When you become an adult? No one really cares how pretty you are anymore. Real life kicks you in the ass and doesn’t care if you are blond hair-blue eyed or chartruese and pink polka dot. The pretty girls that made me feel inferior? Their making minimum wage waiting tables at Texas Roadhouse. I, on the other hand, had to rely on my smarts to get me through life. Then I grew boobs and got contacts. Now my hot girl problems consist of scaling the rock side of a house in 5 inch patent leather heels and cleaning (literal) shit off my blouse when a plumber accidently flings it at me after scoping someones plumbing (I work for a homebuilder)

Anyway, I got a little away from my point. My point is, I wish that THESE kind of girls who have the most fucked up view of the world won’t ever make MY girls feel inferior. Because THESE girls are wrong. I don’t think society as a whole has let womanhood down, but those that have let womanhood down? Have down it in a catstrophic way.Ms. Plaid Dressy Pants recently posted..I might murder someone at Walmart

Now if we could only get your little clone/sister hottie-hottness together with you and a camera and a limo……….. Bang, you too could be an Internet star!
Just remember, to start, drop by your neurologist for that partial prefrontal lobotomy.
Oh, wait, I forgot, you are the definition of HOTTNESS!!!!! No appointment necessary!
DaveDave in Sherman recently posted..Week 14

Oh. My. Fucking. God. I read your post and I ca’t bring myself to watch the video. I’m having some sort of visceral reaction….Okay, I watched nine seconds of it. Pretty sure they’re the same chicks that used to ask me “Are you a girl or a boy?” in high school.

Really?! When are we going to start teaching girls that dumb ISN’T cute? I really want to humilislap these two so hard that their grandmothers feel it. I hope young men out there are being taught to run far, far away from females like this. I’m nearly 30, and just now figuring out that it’s WAY better to be a quirky/intelligent/different/funny female, than to just be “hot”.

I’m sure natural selection will get these two, sooner rather than later… since they don’t have to be smart or anything.

So I finally watched this and let me tell you – IT MADE MY DAY. Why is no one raging at the horrendous musical flaws of these girls? OUR SCHOOLS HAVE FAILED THEM. I was in tears because this HAS to be a joke. They sing like deaf, arrhythmic men, plus, they’re not hot. Every time they opened their mouths the noises they made had me imagining a scene where a grunting, transgender, bedazzled, drag queen was stabbing a shrieking beaver with an ice pick. Combine the irony of their normalcy with their guttural voices, lack of tone and timing and they had me crying in between fits of laughter.

If it wasn’t such an awesome fail I’d be offended, but these are young girls – even if they were serious, which somehow I doubt, id give them a pass. Being self-absorbed is a common teen phase. They’ve got time to pull their heads outta their asses yet.

I’m going with this as being satire. That these are smart girls in a comedy troupe on their college campus who are mocking the superficiality of modern culture and presenting this simulacra in order to point out the obviousness of the objectification of women.

At first I thought it was a parody…but then I realized it wasn’t clever enough to be a parody.
I was so flustered that I had to look them up online. Then I laughed, when one reporter described the “really hot one” as a Kristin Schaal lookalike. (Not that Kristin Schaal isn’t hot, mind you… she’s just not someone a teenager would consider “Hot hot hot hot…”)

Is this irony? It feels like an SNL sketch. I feel dead inside and now have a new appreciation for Ke$ha and autotune.

They realize that they’re only average looking, right? With no personality or talent…

I’m really hoping this was done ironically. In fact, I’m going to keep telling myself that and hold it close to my heart so that I can sleep at night.Heather Heartless recently posted..I Can’t Feel My Face

My cousin once told her 5 year old daughter that a girl is nothing without her hair. She also taught this same child to count,”One, two, three, FIVE!!!” Because, apparently, it was funny. I am so thankful that I have boys.