Motherhood...Don't Believe the Hype

Thursday, September 6, 2012

For as long as I can remember, I have had an intense fear of snakes. Not a fear like, “Oh they are so gross and icky,” but a paralyzing, bodily functions begin to shut down, climb over children to get away, kind of fear. When I was in school, the other kids tortured me for it, and once someone actually chased me down the street with a fake one just to mess with me. I HATE SNAKES!!!

Sooooooo, this morning, I was getting in gear, running around the house trying to get the kids ready for school when I remembered that I had to go down to the basement to get a shirt for the day. I walked down the steps, and as I casually breezed past a “necklace” that was lying at the foot of the steps I thought, “Hmm, that’s odd. I don’t remember Elyse ever having a necklace like…..wait a minute.....no…..is it?.....no…..that’s not a necklace…..It’s a SNAKE!!!! In my house!!! A SNAKE!!!! IN MY HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my God! Oh my God! What do I do? IT’S A FREAKIN SNAKE IN MY FREAKIN HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

I will say that this thing was incredibly small. Not worm small. It defiantly looked like what it was, but for me and my insane fear, a snake, is a snake whether it is itty bitty or incredibly massive. I don’t discriminate based on size. I fear them ALL! However, being the only parent at home at that moment, and being more afraid of it getting away and not knowing where it is, I knew that I had to do something. So I channeled the Cowardly Lion, mustered as much courage as I possiblly could, and grabbed a bucket to cover it. Then I put a big case of Pepsi on top so that there was absolutely no chance of this thing getting away.

Next, I texted Mike; it went a little something like this….

“I just caught a very small, but very REAL snake in the basement. You need to come home.”

I probably could have just texted, “SNAKE!!” and he would have gotten the message and flown right home. I would have loved to have seen the look on his face when he read that text because he is VERY aware of my fear, and I bet he wanted to poop his pants just a little bit. He got home in no time and took care of the “situation.” Thank you, Sweetie! You are my knight in shinning snake removal armor.

I figure that it came in last night because Aaron had left the basement door open for a long time, and then later that evening, I saw my kitty, Hailey, acting all weird and starring behind the shoe bins right next to the door. I assumed she was bug hunting, and just shooed her away from the bins. She was probably thinking, “MOM…there’s a SNAKE in here. Don’t leave me down here with the SNAKE!!! SNAKE!!!!!”

So now I’m all kinds of freaked out, and I have a bad case of the heebie-jeebies whenever I go into the basement. I just hope that this was a one time deal, otherwise, we may be moving to the city.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

I work her up just before 7:00 AM and brought her out to a hot plate of pancakes. She sat at the table pretty sleepy, and I started worrying that we could be in store for some major drama, but she quickly turned things around, and never have we had such a pleasant getting ready, morning experience.

She and Aaron were so sweet together. He has been coaching her for weeks about what to expect, and he has been patiently answering all of her questions. After a BUNCH of smooches, Elyse let Aaron get on the bus, and we started the business of getting dressed.

Everything that I asked of her she said, “Ok, Mama.” She knows what calling me “Mama” does, and she was killing me with the cute. She let me brush her hair without any issues, and gave me no trouble when I was putting in her adorable pigtails. After she was dressed she said, “Oh, I need to have a necklace,” and we ran back to her room for her little ducky necklace.

Then we went out to the pine tree which is THE first day of school photo area….

She was SOOOOooo excited to get going. We hopped in the van and headed for school. She had to take Blankie with her, but she was ok with leaving him behind in the van after a big squeeze. We shut the van door and she called back, “By Blankie, I love you!” Urgh, my heart!

When we got to the class she went right in, took off her coat, and got right to the business of starting class. She didn’t hesitate for a second. I am so proud of her enthusiasm. Mike and I left the school a little sad, but mostly so excited for this next step.

Sitting here alone in the house seems so strange. It’s been eight years since I have been home alone during the day. The quiet is deafening, not that that is a totally bad thing.

I am excited to go and get her at 2:00 PM. I can’t wait to hear all about her day, and how much fun she had on her first day of preschool. She is going to do just great…I can feel it.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

I have been imagining what it would be like to write you this letter since I sat down and wrote Aaron his night before preschool letter three years ago. At that time you were just a tiny little girl who had only turned one year old a few months before. In these last three years, I have watched you grow, and learn, and become such an amazing little lady. I have absolutely no doubt that you are ready for this next step, but for the life of me I can’t figure out how we got here so fast.

You were just toddling next to me down the sidewalk as we walked Aaron into preschool. Once in the classroom, you would go straight to play with the baby dolls and I could never get you to leave.

We were just taking all of those many trips to Walmart, my little shopping buddy, who loved to check out what samples the bakery had out each time we visited.

We were just baking cookies, and cakes, and brownies in the kitchen; you standing next to me on one of the dining room chairs. My floor always looked like I had three Elyses helping me.

You were just asking me to have a tea party, or to read you a story, or to play Play Doh. Sometimes you wanted to do all of those things all at the same time, and I could never figure out where you got all of that boundless energy.

Tomorrow morning you are going to start your first day of preschool. You are going to meet a bunch of new friends and have so much fun playing together. You are going to learn so many new things, and you are going to be challenged in so many new ways. I can’t even begin to imagine the stories that you are going to have when you get home. I know how excited you are for this next step and I am excited too, but when we are walking to your classroom tomorrow, lets try to walk a little slow, because for the life of me I can’t figure out how we got here so fast.

Friday, March 9, 2012

The time had come. She had been obsessing about this for months; well, honestly, more like seven years. This would be one of the greatest challenges of her career and everything hinged on her ability to pull this off perfectly, quickly, and completely free of error. Nerves could not be a factor here, and so she took one last moment to mentally steady herself before going any further.

She moved through the night with the stealth of a jaguar, knowing exactly where to step and how to move so that she would be completely undetected by her unknowing target.

Steadying her breath, she fumbled with the item in her hand, allowing fear to creep in for only a moment. The switch had to be flawless. Once she went for it, there could be no hesitation or all could be lost.

With the prize in view she went for it, and just like that it was done. Success! She had done it. The transfer was complete. Slowly she backed away and retreated to safety.

Her heart was still pounding as she lowered herself into bed, and looking at her husband she said, “I don’t care what you say. Next time, you’re the Tooth Fairy!”

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

So yesterday morning I’m waiting for the school bus outside with Aaron when this conversation takes place…

Aaron: WOW, did you see that ground hog?
Me: Huh, what? No I’m not sleeping standing up. Who’s a round frog now?
Aaron: No, a ground hog. He just came out of the garage.
Me: Oh, man. I missed it. I love ground hogs. Darn.

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A couple of minutes passed...

Aaron: Well, ground hogs don’t have tails do they?
Me: Yeah they have tails; little ones I think.
Aaron: Oh, cause that thing had a monkey tail.
Me: (Thinking to myself…What in the hell is living in our garage?) Come again?
Aaron: Yeah, and it was white, and fuzzy, and THIS big; making a big circle with his arms over his head.
Me: Oh, that was a opossum. He was in the garage?
Aaron: Yep! He just walked on out and went into the hedges; you know, back into the wild.

A few more minutes passed and then the bus was there to take my little guy to school. I waved bye and headed back into the house, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t purposely avoid the garage for fear of running into another large, white, fuzzy, monkey tail thing that came from the wild.

Monday, September 19, 2011

There have been some wonderfully stupendous, miraculously awesome, over-the-top fantastic things happening in the Hicks household as of late. What I am about to tell you is truly amazing, and has been six years in the making. Ladies and gentlemen…We…are now a…diaper-free household!!!!!

Praise be to the baby Jesus! That’s right folks, Mike and I are now the proud parents of not one, but two children who no longer poop and pee in a diaper, but on a toilet…like real live humans and everything.

Elyse is now officially potty trained. I remember when Aaron got with the program and mastered the fine art of using the potty. He was three and a half and Elyse was just a newborn. It was such an amazing, freeing thing to know that my child could take care of this little task all on his own, but we were just starting out with Elyse and I almost couldn’t imagine a day when both kids would be rid of diapers for good. But here we are, a little over three years later and I have bought my last bag of diapers. Ok, to be honest, she is still using nighttime diapers, but in the grand scheme of things, nighttime potty training is a walk in the park compared to mastering it during the day. I can live with buying one bag of nighttime diapers once a month.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that this has been an easy journey by any stretch of the imagination. This has been a battle of wills people, and to be honest, she just about broke me. Like the day that I had asked her literally every ten minutes for the entire day if she needed to pee, and every single time she said no, but then she would disappear for a minute or two and come back dripping with urine announcing with a grin that she had just peed in her underwear. The last straw that day was when I asked her if she needed to use the potty, she said no while she was rummaging through her toy box. I walked out of her room for exactly one minute, came back, and she told me that she had peed in the toy box…where she keeps her toys…peed…in the f*****g TOY BO X!!!!!

So I lost my shit for a minute, decided that, “This is war Peacock,” and refused to give up. The next morning when I presented her with underwear yet again she looked at me like, “Really, after the whole toy box thing you are still working the underwear angle?” And from then on she understood that she could pee in her underwear, she could defile her toy box, but by God I would keep coming at her every freakin morning with another pair of underwear until either I took a nap with my head in the oven or she gave in and got with the program.

Friday, September 2, 2011

So often I look at Elyse and I wonder, “What in the world goes on in that little head of hers?” Then, she and I have conversations like this and I realize that maybe I’m better off not knowing.

Elyse is sitting in the tub mixing concoctions of bath water, bubbles, and shampoo and I am I trying to work on my latest knitting project…

Elyse: Here Mommy, you want some coffee?
Me: Sure Sweetie.
Elyse: (20 cups of “coffee” later) Here Mommy, have some coffee.
Me: You know what Elyse, maybe you should make some coffee for the sharks in the tub (Meaning the toy sharks that she was playing with earlier, not insinuating that she is bathing with live sharks and runs the risk of being eaten)
Elyse: Mommy, you know there aren’t any sharks in here. I’ll make some for my penguins.
Me: Alrighty. (Sure, I’m nuts for suggesting sharks, but penguins are perfectly legit.)
Elyse: My penguins are hungry.
Me: Well make something for them to eat. What do they like to eat?
Elyse: Frosting.
Me: Oh, well what kind?
Elyse: Chocolate. Oh, and they also like frosted beef and frosted monkeys.
Me: (Mouth hanging open) ???????? (Thinking to myself, “What the……..frosted monkeys?”)
Elyse: Yep! (She gets busy making the frosted beef and monkeys)
Me: (Staring at her waiting to see what happens next…mouth still hanging open)
Elyse: Oh NO! My penguins are dead. I killed them?
Me: Um, how…Sweetie (Stay on her good side. Stay on her good side.)
Elyse: Like this…(And she flings the water/bubbles/shampoo concoction in the general direction of the penguins.)
Me: Oh. (Sweet mother of mercy.)
Elyse: Now they’re gonna have to go in my toilet. I’m gonna have to flush them.
Me: Ok, time to get out of the tub.

In Case You Were Wondering

I have been a stay-at-home wife and mother since my son Aaron was born in January of 2005. I thought that life was crazy then until my daughter Elyse rounded out our family in June of 2008. Crazy only begins to scratch the surface.