The Change Up

Living the life of a wild bachelor may look fun, but it won’t give you the greatest gift of being a parent -- nachas.

I’m pretty sure that every movie I’ve ever seen has had the same subplot – finding your soul mate. (If that’s the main plot, it’s a chick flick, and I don’t watch it, unless my soul mate drags me.) Single life might be fun and all, but no movie ever ends with, “And then the spell was broken and he was single again!” Even The Change-Up ends with both main characters, Dave and Mitch, in loving relationships.

Every movie I’ve ever seen has had the same subplot – finding your soul mate.

The Change-Up is a movie that some might say is not realistic, because even though Dave is married, he is still somehow able to hang out with Mitch. Dave (Jason Bateman) has a wife and three kids, and is a lawyer who – as is every lawyer in every movie ever – is about to make partner. Mitch (Ryan Reynolds) is a perpetual single guy whose fridge is a morgue to half-eaten take out so that the smell won’t escape and take over his apartment, and is the embodiment of the guy everyone went to high school with, who was cool back in high school, so he decided to stay that way forever.

Dave misses the single life – he rushed through it to get to his goal, but now he feels like if he could just go back, knowing what he does now, he would do things differently. Dave would like to be able to read an entire book – on the toilet, preferably – go to a restaurant and order six desserts, not have to call his wife before going to the supermarket, and even visit the aquarium, which he apparently is not aware that you can also do with families. Mitch is jealous of Dave’s life as well, or at least he says he is, because when someone says he’d like to have your life, it’s only polite to say you’d like his. They express this feeling the weekend before every major obligation of their lives (mergers, big breaks, and a wedding renewal, because “as long as you both shall live” has an expiration date, apparently), and the next thing you know, their wish comes true.

Of course, as soon as they switch bodies, what happens is exactly what happens in every other body switch movie, such as Avatar, Freaky Friday, and that other one with Lindsey Lohan. They learn that the grass might seem greener, but if it’s your grass, you have to mow it and water it and keep your kids from digging it up looking for buried treasure. Mitch, for example, learns that it’s not easy to deal with whatever twin babies throw at you at 3 in the morning. I’m a father of four kids, and I don’t even know if I can handle twins. One of my biggest parenting crutches has always been my kids’ age difference. (“Why does he get one?” “Because he’s younger than you.” Why does she get one?” “Because she’s older than you.”) And when one twin wakes up, both wake up.

Dave, meanwhile, learns that all the highlights of Mitch’s life are pretty disappointing. He learns that his single days are gone, and not just because he got married. They’re gone because he’s past the age where it was time to move on. Single life is fun, but being the last man standing is not. It’s like continuously watching the beginning of a movie because that’s your favorite part. You don’t get the payoff at the end of the movie, and eventually, you’ll scratch the DVD. The end of the movie, as we pointed out, is people finding their soul mates.

Of course, that’s not where the story ends in real life. Movies end on that happy ending, and people think that’s it – marriage is a happy ending. You got the item you wanted, and you level up. You get your trophy (wife), like anything else you’ve strived to get for two hours, and then she sits on your shelf forever, aside from occasional dusting. The movie ends at marriage, so people think that from then on, you live happily ever after, and family life is supposed to be smooth sailing. You got that item, now it’s time to put all your focus into leveling up on your job. But can you say this when it comes to your job for example?

“I got the job! Now I can put that to the side and never show up, and I’ll focus on getting a motorcycle!”

No. Getting a job is just the beginning. If you want to keep getting what you want out of a job, you have to keep showing up and putting the work in. If you want to keep getting what you want out of marriage and family life, you have to do the same. Marriage is not an ending, it’s a beginning.

Marriage is an evolution into a new state of being. The Hebrew word for love is “ahava”, coming from the root word “hav”, which means “to give”. The more we give, the more we love. The more we put the work in, the more we get out of it. Nothing worth having ever came easy.

But in today’s culture, the word “have” means “to own personally”. I have a motorcycle. I have a family.

Sure, it looks like hard work with no end in sight. But like the characters in the movie, it’s not always what it looks like.

Take small children, for example. Small children are something that God provides to give married couples a common enemy and hopefully keep them on the same team. A kid is like a boss that makes demands on your time and gives you nothing substantial in return. He will never do anything for you that you couldn’t do yourself with less effort, and will never tell you anything you didn’t know that will actually affect your life. At most, he will get you things so that you don’t have to get up, provided those things are less than 3 feet off the ground, and even that will be an argument. Generally, unless you’ve made a very big mistake, your spouse does more than that. But the benefit from kids is …wait for it…“nachas” – the pride you feel when they do something that exceeds the simple tools that you gave them to grow. “Look what he did! By himself! I didn’t know he could do that!” And that reward is something you will have forever. It’s something that won’t go away. Ever.

The reward for buying ice cream is ice cream. Ice cream is the best, plus it cools you off. But in a few hours, the reward will be gone. At worst, you will hate yourself for eating it, and at best, you will have nothing to show for it but a stain on your shirt. The reward is proportional to the work. If the line is too long, you don’t bother going for ice cream. The longer it takes to accomplish something and the more work goes into it, the longer your reward generally lasts.

So with kids and family, it’s all about the nachas factor -- that family of kids and grandkids and a loving spouse with whom to grow old, for the rest of your life. Just think, when you are 80 years old, and it’s Passover, and you are sitting around your table and your grandkids steal the afikomen and won’t give it back unless you promise to buy them a laser tele-transporter to Jupiter, it will be worth it.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 4

(2)
Miriam,
August 16, 2011 3:46 AM

Wow

Fabulous article

(1)
Anonymous,
August 15, 2011 4:42 PM

jewish remark

Change up was an OK movie, but I didn't appreciate the comment, when one character was not in proper business attire, "You look like a jew!" Not funny, and it didn't make sense. That type of humor stimulates antisemitism.

nikki,
September 3, 2012 6:14 PM

What was the purpose of that comment?

I agree - I don't get it, it wasn't funny, it didn't make sense. Not in my world. I don't think it helped the movie.

Anonymous,
February 8, 2013 8:10 PM

One of the funniest lines in the movie.

That line was one of the funniest lines in the movie. And they didn't present it to be acceptable, hence the character's reaction to it. Lighten up. BTW, how come no one objects when they make fun of white males?

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I want to know about the concept of "sin" due to Adam and Eve eating from the Tree of Knowledge. The Christian concept of sin revolves around the fall of the man and the "original sin." Does Judaism view it the same way?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Adam and Eve were punished according to their actions. In other words, God laid down the conditions for Adam and Eve to live in the garden, provided they would not eat from the Tree of Knowledge. However, if they were to eat from that tree they would be punished by experiencing death. (If they had not eaten from the tree, they would have remained immortal.)

This sets down the basic principle in Judaism of Reward and Punishment. Basic to this is that every person has the choice of doing good or bad. When a person chooses "good" – as defined by God – he is able to draw close to God. In other words, every individual has a chance to "gain salvation" through his own actions.

My understanding of Christianity, however, is that the Original Sin has infected all of mankind to the point where individuals are incapable of achieving salvation through their own initiative. Man is "totally depraved" and therefore his only hope of salvation is through the cross.

This belief is contrary to the teachings of Judaism. From the Torah perspective, an individual does not need to rely on anyone else to atone for them. In Judaism, sins can be "erased" altogether by sincere repentance and a firm resolution never to repeat the mistakes.

For more on this, read "Their Hollow Inheritances" by Michael Drazin – www.drazin.com

Yahrtzeit of Moses in 1273 BCE (Jewish year 2488), on the same day of his birth 120 years earlier. (Consequently, "May you live to 120" has become a common Jewish blessing.) Moses was born in Egypt at a time when Pharaoh had decreed that all Jewish baby boys be drowned in the Nile River. His mother set him afloat in a reed basket, where he was -- most ironically -- discovered by Pharaoh's daughter and brought to Pharaoh's palace to be raised. When Moses matured, his heart turned to aid the Jewish people; he killed an Egyptian who was beating a Jew, and he fled to Midian where he married and had two sons. God spoke to Moses at the Burning Bush, instructing him to return to Egypt and persuade Pharaoh to "let My people go." Moses led the Jews through the ten plagues, the Exodus, and the splitting of the Red Sea. Seven weeks later, the Jews arrived at Mount Sinai and received the Torah, the only time in human history that an entire nation experienced Divine revelation. Over the next 40 years, Moses led the Jews through wanderings in the desert, and supervised construction of the Tabernacle. Moses died before being allowed to enter the promised Land of Israel. He is regarded as the greatest prophet of all time.

Lack of gratitude is at the root of discontent. In order to be consistently serene, we must master the attribute of being grateful to the Creator for all His gifts. As the Torah (Deuteronomy 26:11) states, "Rejoice with all the good the Almighty has given you." This does not negate our wanting more. But it does mean that we have a constant feeling of gratitude since as long as we are alive, we always have a list of things for which to be grateful.

[Just before Moses' death] God said to him, "This is the Land that I promised to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob" (Deuteronomy 34:4).

The Midrash says that Moses pleaded to live long enough to be able to enter the Promised Land. He surrendered his soul only after God instructed him to enter Heaven and inform the Patriarchs that the Israelites had come to their Land and that God had indeed fulfilled His promise to give the Land of Israel to their descendants. To fulfill God's will was dearer to Moses than his craving to enter the Land.

It is only natural to cling to life, and the thought of leaving this world is depressing. However, if a person develops the attitude that he lives only in order to fulfill God's will, then life and death are no longer polar opposites, because he lives to do the will of God, and when that will requires that he leave this world, he will be equally obedient.

The seventh day of Adar is the anniversary of Moses' death. He wanted to enter the Promised Land so that he could fulfill the commandments and thereby have a new opportunity to fulfill the Divine wish. He surrendered his soul willingly when he was told that there was a special commandment for him to perform, one that could only be achieved after leaving this earth.

We refer to Moses as Rabbeinu, our teacher. He not only taught us didactically, but by means of everything he did in his life - and by his death, as well.

Today I shall...

try to dedicate my life to fulfilling the will of God, so that even when that will contradicts my personal desires, I can accept it with serenity.

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