Knights of the realm called up for military service

The government has announced that modern day knights of the realm are being signed up for active service in order to earn their titles. Sir Richard Branson, Sir Terry Wogan and Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber are among the knights that will be joining the army to support the country’s overstretched armed forces. Defence Secretary John Hutton said ‘This country has hundreds of knights who are not actually living up to their name and we believe it is time they did their bit for their country in the manner of their predecessors.’

On Salisbury Plain Sir Bob Geldolf and Sir Michael Caine were already undergoing basic training, helping Sir Ian McKellen over the wall and under the barbed wire, while Dame Judi Dench completed a back-breaking five mile run alongside Dame Helen Mirren. Meanwhile a delegation of rock superstar knights, including Sir Paul McCartney and Sir Mick Jagger are due to be despatched to Helmund Province on a tour of duty under the command of Sir Tom Jones. The regimental marching band has noticed some changes, with girl fans weeping and screaming at their rendition of the national anthem.

Others are already on active service, where Sir Elton John has been involved in a skirmish with two Taliban fighters who he thought were trying to photograph him. Sir Elton had been sent to the region to advise the army on ‘head camouflage’. Sir Alan Sugar was reported to have divided the servicemen and women under his command into two teams who are now competing to find Osama Bin Laden. The girls team ‘Alan’s Angels’ have set up a business selling ‘Funky burqas for the fashion conscious Muslim’ and the boys say they are confident of finding Bin Laden, just as soon as they agree on a name for their team.

A spokesman for the MOD said ‘We are incredibly proud of the way in which the knights are rising to the challenge of military life and the British public are obviously very proud of the way our knights are now fighting in incredibly dangerous war zones’ adding ‘And we’ve already had thousands of requests that Simon Cowell, Piers Morgan and Michael Winner get knighted as soon as possible.’