Disagreeing with dh over college

We have been through heck with our first two kids and "the college search." In the end, due to finances and logistics, many choices were not feesible. My dh (dear husband) feels I did a rotten job and wanted our children at different schools and still complains. Of course, he offers no viable alternatives. And with ASD, there are even more factors to consider. My dh (dear husband) is typically a complainer. Also, he tends to want what he wants and cannot seem to comprehend that others want other things.

I know I have seen a number of posts here from parents whose kids are in college, and I know others will have kids headed that way eventually.

I know what my 14 yr old is interested in. I know things can change over the next few years too. I also know that he needs a skill, not degree where his employment depends on him being able to schmooze people. A degree in management or art might not be a good idea. We cannot afford to support our children in to old age if they can support themselves. I also have discovered that it is important to keep the kids closer to home and in a less stressful environment. There is a state university close to us that would be perfect. He can live at home and commute or in the dorm and have his own room in the dorm. The state will give funding. I told my husband that there will not likely be a college search, that most likely, we will take him to tour that one school and he will go there. It is an excellent school. It has a great reputation. I said we can consider some other schools, but we need to figure out if they are feesible before we drag him off to look, as that can be disappointing. Now my husband is getting on my case, yet again. He is telling me how he wishes he had majored in finance and he wishes he had gone to Carnegie Mellon. Ummm..Carnegie Mellon is a long way away, and dh (dear husband) went to a much higher ranking school, private top 5 university. I personally went to a state university. My husband just thinks I could have done so much better. (for the record, I went to Iowa State). I think I did just fine.

I feel like this is something where I will need to handle with our son quietly and not involve dh (dear husband) if at all possible. Are there any good books, websites, or otherwise giving advice on navigating college with a student with ASD? Also, there is a good chance he will do community college and only go off to college when he needs to move on to junior year. One of my regrets with my oldest was that he should have stayed home and done community college I think. And with my 2nd child, I allowed my husband to get too involved with his dreams of schools like Princeton, Carnegie Mellon, Williams, and Swarthmore. I am not even sure if she could have gotten in to them, but my husband became so entralled with them that I think it left her feeling inadequete for going anywhere else. She never applied to them even, which ticked him off. But then, she didn't want to go anywhere else. There was a complete disconnect between practical and feesible and unicorns on the college thing.

I have seen many times over, parents tell their kids..you will do community college first, or you will go to the state U where I can afford it. I no longer think they were wrong. And ASD brings in the added bonus of being needed more than a child who is NT often times.

Comments (8)

Sorry I don't know any books in college and autism, but I watched a documentary (love docs) and there was a scene about this autistic girl going to college and they had a buddy system where someone would walk her to her classes. He girl had to know all the bus stops and practiced the routine. She studied to be a special education aide or something.

Anywho, I hope someone knows a book on it. Community college sounds wonderful though. Have you contacted these universities to see if there is a buddy system for disabled persons?

It sounds like your DH (dear husband) was college shopping for himself instead of for your DD. It was about what he wanted, not what was a good fit for your DD. I'm sorry.

Are there any good books, websites, or otherwise giving advice on navigating college with a student with ASD?

I would talk to your DS's high school guidance counselor. They may know of resources for you and be familiar enough with the colleges in the area to help you find a good fit for your DS.

When you do a college visit, you can ask about accomodations available. I believe your son can still have a 504 while in college. That is another questions for the guidance counselor and admissions officer.

I work in higher education. My advice is - when looking at college for ASD kids, you need to look for a college where they provide ample support for them, from note taking to longer time to take exam, etc. most importantly, the disabilities office should also provide opportunities for students to learn self advocacy skill and advocate for themselves. If ASD kids tends to get overwhelmed in crowed environment, it's actually better if they go to a smaller school where the faculty-student ratio is lower. You want your kid to be an individual not just a # in the classroom. You want a school that values community and relationship building while focusing on academic success. This is my two cents. Speaking from a person who attended public university with 23,000 ppl and worked at smaller institutions with 3000 students.

It sounds like your DH was college shopping for himself instead of for your...

Posted
12/15/2015

It sounds like your DH was college shopping for himself instead of for your DD. It was about what he wanted, not what was a good fit for your DD. I'm sorry.

Are there any good books, websites, or otherwise giving advice on navigating college with a student with ASD?

I would talk to your DS's high school guidance counselor. They may know of resources for you and be familiar enough with the colleges in the area to help you find a good fit for your DS.

When you do a college visit, you can ask about accomodations available. I believe your son can still have a 504 while in college. That is another questions for the guidance counselor and admissions officer.

My older kids did go to the public school. The one with ASD....they said kids like him didn't go to college, no help at all. With the second one, also no help. That was it.

I work in higher education. My advice is - when looking at college for ASD ki...

Posted
12/15/2015

I work in higher education. My advice is - when looking at college for ASD kids, you need to look for a college where they provide ample support for them, from note taking to longer time to take exam, etc. most importantly, the disabilities office should also provide opportunities for students to learn self advocacy skill and advocate for themselves. If ASD kids tends to get overwhelmed in crowed environment, it's actually better if they go to a smaller school where the faculty-student ratio is lower. You want your kid to be an individual not just a # in the classroom. You want a school that values community and relationship building while focusing on academic success. This is my two cents. Speaking from a person who attended public university with 23,000 ppl and worked at smaller institutions with 3000 students.

That is where my oldest went, and he is a junior now. It is basically going fine. Our main issue is that my husband pushed our son in to taking German (son wanted to take Latin) in high school and our son obeyed. He found it too hard and hated it. So in college, his mentor said to take Japanese. He did. Now he might flunk out this semester. It comes down to a lot of people trying to get our son to do what they would have wanted to do rather than what was right for our son. Our son wanted Latin. Now, my 14 yr old wanted to take Latin and when DH (dear husband) started to whine I told him to quiet, he would not do this to our son. I also had purchased books on German for my husband and told him if he wants to learn it so bad, he do it himself. Basically, I feel like I have a grip on things and others do not, so, I am taking control. I am not meaning to sound arrogant. But, I am not trying to live my life through my children. I am listening to them and helping them. I just do not even get why my husband feels the need to make the kids do what he wishes he had done. Literally, my husband got to do whatever he wanted growing up. I, myself, grew up in foster care and was constantly moving and never had anything. Despite never having much of anything, I let my children live their lives as their chose, within reason. My husband, on the other hand, demands they do whatever he wishes he had done. He had the chance to take German in high school, he picked Spanish. Now he demands our children take German because he wishes he had. I just do not get it. It seems very selfish to me.

That is where my oldest went, and he is a junior now. It is basically going f...

Posted
12/15/2015

That is where my oldest went, and he is a junior now. It is basically going fine. Our main issue is that my husband pushed our son in to taking German (son wanted to take Latin) in high school and our son obeyed. He found it too hard and hated it. So in college, his mentor said to take Japanese. He did. Now he might flunk out this semester. It comes down to a lot of people trying to get our son to do what they would have wanted to do rather than what was right for our son. Our son wanted Latin. Now, my 14 yr old wanted to take Latin and when DH started to whine I told him to quiet, he would not do this to our son. I also had purchased books on German for my husband and told him if he wants to learn it so bad, he do it himself. Basically, I feel like I have a grip on things and others do not, so, I am taking control. I am not meaning to sound arrogant. But, I am not trying to live my life through my children. I am listening to them and helping them. I just do not even get why my husband feels the need to make the kids do what he wishes he had done. Literally, my husband got to do whatever he wanted growing up. I, myself, grew up in foster care and was constantly moving and never had anything. Despite never having much of anything, I let my children live their lives as their chose, within reason. My husband, on the other hand, demands they do whatever he wishes he had done. He had the chance to take German in high school, he picked Spanish. Now he demands our children take German because he wishes he had. I just do not get it. It seems very selfish to me.

I know plenty of NT adults who deeply resented parents forcing them to take subjects in school and insisting upon a specific path.

That is where my oldest went, and he is a junior now. It is basically going f...

Posted
12/15/2015

That is where my oldest went, and he is a junior now. It is basically going fine. Our main issue is that my husband pushed our son in to taking German (son wanted to take Latin) in high school and our son obeyed. He found it too hard and hated it. So in college, his mentor said to take Japanese. He did. Now he might flunk out this semester. It comes down to a lot of people trying to get our son to do what they would have wanted to do rather than what was right for our son. Our son wanted Latin. Now, my 14 yr old wanted to take Latin and when DH started to whine I told him to quiet, he would not do this to our son. I also had purchased books on German for my husband and told him if he wants to learn it so bad, he do it himself. Basically, I feel like I have a grip on things and others do not, so, I am taking control. I am not meaning to sound arrogant. But, I am not trying to live my life through my children. I am listening to them and helping them. I just do not even get why my husband feels the need to make the kids do what he wishes he had done. Literally, my husband got to do whatever he wanted growing up. I, myself, grew up in foster care and was constantly moving and never had anything. Despite never having much of anything, I let my children live their lives as their chose, within reason. My husband, on the other hand, demands they do whatever he wishes he had done. He had the chance to take German in high school, he picked Spanish. Now he demands our children take German because he wishes he had. I just do not get it. It seems very selfish to me.

I am sorry you are going through that. I work with so many college students and they do thing because their parents to do so. I am the administrator who support the students and encourage them to advocate for themselves and challenge their parents. I agree with you, at the end of the day, it's their lives, not ours. So good for you buying your husband German book and he can learn it himself. Students strive and enjoy learning so much more when they are learning things they are interested in.

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