3 Ways to Change Your First-Date Experience

Simple changes that can make a big difference.

What I hear most from self-proclaimed “older singles” is that they feel frustrated. Every first date is another big effort from which they never see results. It’s that feeling of ‘Here we go again, another boringly repetitive date.’ Luckily, there are a few ways to break out of old habits and change your experience (and these tips work just as well for the first first date as for the 40th first date).

1. Change the way you ask questions.

Your goal on a first date is to see if you enjoy spending time together and can start making a connection. That’s it! If this is the latest in a long line of dates, making a connection might feel incredibly difficult. But open-ended question can help making a connection much easier, if there’s a connection to be made. Closed-ended questions, on the other hand, are conversation stoppers.

Here are a few examples of easy rephrasing that can lead to greater success a first date:

Don’t ask: “Where did you move from?”
Try asking: “Why did you decide to move?”

Don’t ask: “Do you have any free time?”
Try asking: “How do you like to spend your free time?”

Don’t ask: “When did you start your job?”
Try asking: “In what ways is this job different from your last job?”

You’ll notice that these questions are nearly the same. The difference is that the first options can be answered in one word, which might be followed by an awkward silence. Awkward silences can be avoided. The second option gives your date the opportunity to tell a little story, to share a small piece of his thoughts or feelings.

You can also answer questions this way even if your date asked a closed-ended question. If your date asks, “When did you start your job?” help him out. Answer the question and then tell him how much you like your job, what it was like compared to the last place you worked.

2. Change the question you ask yourself.

“Is this my soul mate?” That’s the million dollar question. It’s such a consuming question that you might be asking it over and over again while you’re still on the date. And we all want to know the answer asap. If you’ve been dating for a while, you probably think you’ve gotten good at figuring out what works for you and what doesn’t. What’s more, you’re probably right! Making a snap judgment may have become second nature to you. You want to be efficient in your dating for marriage process; you don’t have time to waste.

Yes, be efficient. However, really being efficient means that you are dedicating a minimum of one full date to investigating whether or not this person is your soul mate. There’s nothing wrong with asking “Is this my soul mate?” -- but not until after the date. That means on the date, the only question I want you to repeat over and over again is, “Am I present in the moment?”

Ask yourself if you are really hearing and seeing who is in front of you (even if you don’t want to marry him or her!). Ask yourself if you are being yourself. Make sure you stay in the moment of the date and out of your head. When you return home from the date you can ask yourself if this was the one. Even if you already know the answer is “no,” practicing this marriage-minded approach to dating will help you on your next first date.

3. Change the way you describe yourself.

“So, tell me a little bit about yourself.” People often ask this on a first date when they don’t have a more specific question. Trying to answer such a blanket question often leaves people speechless. Oy! Where do you even begin?

You begin with the end in mind. What is your goal? Your goal is to identify whether or not this is your soul mate. So share how are you unique, what makes you you. What are you going to say that will quickly and clearly differentiate you from others and express who you are? It’s a good idea to give this some thought before your next date. By first understanding yourself and your unique qualities and combinations you will be better able to articulate who you are to another.

Remember, don’t try to be what he or she is looking for. You simply want express clearly who you are. You may be surprised at how much someone will love exactly that person.

Changing your first date experience isn’t easy. Putting your best self forward can be especially challenging after years of dating. But these simple changes can make a big difference. Pick one thing you want to change on your next first date. And let me know how it goes. You may or may not find your soul mate on the next date, but you will find more of yourself which will ultimately lead to your soul mate. May your journey from here on be short, sweet and filled with support from the network of people who love you!

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Aleeza Ben Shalom is the Marriage Minded Mentor you can count on when you want clarity in dating for marriage. She is the author of Get Real Get Married, your guide to getting over your hurdles and under the chuppah! In addition to her private mentoring sessions with clients from all over the world, Aleeza is a passionate speaker and the host of a weekly show. To learn more about her unique style of matchmaking, which focuses on empowerment and developing successful support networks, visit www.marriagemindedmentor.com. Aleeza is committed to creating marriages that endure the test of time, starting with her own: she is a dedicated wife and loving mother of five children.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 31

(29)
Marc,
January 19, 2014 4:40 PM

Inuitive

Aleeza,

Very well said. Most people who are "fried" from dating truly feel it is an errand and are not "In the Moment" as you say. Knowing it is just not another "task" on your to do list that day is paramount. Enjoy the experience and process. Hope people heed your advice!

(28)
SusanE,
August 5, 2013 8:45 PM

Friends Friends Friends

Why would you go out with someone alone on a first date? Call him and go out with some of your friends on a double or triple date. Much easier on the conversation, and you will know how he interacts. if there is a second date you will have something to talk about. Then suggest double dating with some of his friends. If he doesn't want to or doesn't have any friends it's time to move on.

(27)
Robert,
July 24, 2013 6:15 AM

Dating is like a job interview, but it shouldn't feel like one.

Hi Aleeza,

The problem with most "first dates" is in how to avoid the date sounding like: (A) a "job interview," (B) a "psychological examination," or (C) a "sales promotion" by a "used car salesperson."

Dating is all about "selling oneself." And the "deal is closed" with a gold ring and signatures on the marriage contract (ketubah) by the party of the first part, the party of the second part, and at least two witnesses.

I know a lot about "asking leading questions," and avoiding "yes or no questions." In my experience, most people don't want to be "sold." They initially just want to know "who you are" on the surface and can they trust you. And if the other person is truly interested, they'll want to know more about you.

The problem that I and others find most often on our dates, especially us older singles whose time is precious and feel quite jaded about their dating experiences, is that when you start to ask "personal questions," the other person can either "open up" or "clam up." If the other person "opens up," then you're very lucky and you will both share a very easy going conversation with just the right amount of verbal exchange.

If the other person "clams up," it's because he or she doesn't trust you enough, isn't comfortable sharing personal information in general, or doesn't want to be hounded with typical "first date" questions like "So what do you do?" If such is the case, then the sales deal was closed before it started. Save your time and move onto the next potential prospect.

We should all learn the dating "buying signs" from our dates. And if one doesn't know them, LEARN THEM!!!

I hope people learn from this article and that it helps us singles to meet our "bashert" and have excellent dates that help us to meet that "right person" for us and get us all married soon.

I wish you much continued success in your career.

(26)
Anonymous Female,
July 12, 2013 10:24 PM

listen to this woman!

Aleeza knows of what she speaks. She can help...if we let her... :-)

(25)
Anonymous Girl,
July 11, 2013 9:22 PM

Great Article. Helped me!

This article is very well written and I appreciate all of the advice Aleeza gives. Having met with her in person and hearing her approach to dating, I know that my first dates post-working with Aleeza were so much better than before. I hated how first dates would sound like interviews or a sales pitch, but having changed the way I phrased questions, and really just letting go and having fun, have made my first dates so much more pleasant.

It's so important to be yourself, and I appreciate that Aleeza touches on this subject. I find that too many individuals are trying so hard to be someone they're not in order to find their bashert, and it's just sad really. Be who you are, and be in the moment.

Keep up the good work Aleeza.

(24)
Marissa,
July 11, 2013 1:21 AM

Very insightful

This article should be handed out to every one going on a date :) I read aleezas book and heard her speak before and she just really "gets it" in a way that is VERY refreshing. This article is great. thank you!

(23)
the Oracle,
July 10, 2013 6:29 PM

The Million Dollar Question

On the first "date," you want to decide if this person could become a friend or is, at least, safe for you. Whether they will be a "soul mate" isn't a $1M USD question, it is a cheap question.

When you meet someone, let's say a man, the first you want to know is if he's trustworthy. You don't learn that by asking questions. Remember, a man will say anything if he thinks it's foreplay. You learn if he's trustworthy by his actions, and this takes time and shared experiences. You often can speed up the process, if you have a common friend who has known this person for a long time and knows his history. That's why arranged marriages work so well, soul mates notwithstanding.

I suggest you plan an early date with friends where you play a card game, a board game or something like charades. You'll be surprised how much you can learn about someone doing this.

If you must ask questions or have a conversation, talk about the news, ideas and interesting experiences. Of course, asking about personal information can be misleading and not so probative.

People always ask me how I have such a nice husband. I tell them, "I asked the right questions." My family was very male dominated, and I was the only one not interested in sports. So I I asked, Do you watch football?" He replied, "Only the Superbowl" Hm. OK. "Do you watch baseball?" "Only the World series.: OK. That's when I have my yearly beer.

I continued, "Do you watch basketball?" "Only the Finals." That was my mistake. I grew up in Indiana, where there is ONLY basketball. When I moved to California, I never watched it again. I didn't know the finals was MONTHS LONG. lol

(22)
pete,
July 10, 2013 6:26 PM

Great article. Many interesting points. Too bad I didn't see it when I was still dating. I will pass it on to all my single friends. It will help them to find the right person. Thanks.

(21)
Joshua,
July 10, 2013 5:11 AM

And relax ...

Another great piece of advice is to just relax, stay focused on the other person, and gently help him/her tell his/her story of who s/he is. If the relationship is not going to work, there is nothing you can -- or should try to do -- to make it work. If it is going to work, if there is chemistry, if it is b'shert, there is little you can do to mess it up. The other person will see who you are even if you make mistakes. So relax. Enjoy. Learn. Share. and Love.

(20)
Candice,
July 10, 2013 12:43 AM

thank you!

such a great way to keep it simple yet really get to the essence of communicating and connecting

(19)
Anonymous,
July 9, 2013 10:11 PM

2nd date

Great article its so true! Now whats next? What do you think after the initial getting to know each other date? when do you see if your goals match and talk more seriously?

Your Marriage Minded Mentor,
July 11, 2013 2:50 AM

When? Great question.

How good are you at establishing a connection? If in general you connect easily and quickly you can try on date 2 to start talking goals/serious stuff. However, stay tuned into your date and make sure they are comfortable with you turning up the heat. If you are more reserved I would work harder in the beginning to make an emotional connection. Find similarities, those things that connect you and wait to talk more seriously.
This advice is generic obviously. Each dating situation is different and needs a different answer. However, I hope these generic answers can guide you and that you have a mentor to guide you specifically for your personal situation. Many blessings for success. May you meet your soulmate with ease and soon.

(18)
Misha,
July 9, 2013 9:39 PM

Good article

Thanks neighbor. This advice is extremely helpful for all those who are single. Many people don't act like themselves on a first date because they are afraid the other person won't like them for who they are. People can tell when someone isn't genuine.

(17)
Anonymous,
July 9, 2013 8:27 PM

This was very helpful! do you have advice on how to open up more at the beginning of the dates? Or would you say that opening up comes with comfort and can take time that may or may not be given..because sometimes you wont get the chance to wait for more dates to be more comfortable..i know its in Hashems hands and if he doesnt wait, then he's not for you, but what do you think about this topic in general?

Your Marriage Minded Mentor,
July 11, 2013 2:38 AM

You're right!

You are right. Opening up comes with time and comfort. When should that happen? Ideally between the 3rd - 5th date. Opening up too much, too soon isn't great. First and second date establish a connection a healthy flow of conversation and show interest. After that I would say it's time to try to move it forward and be more open.

(16)
Ilona Brandt-Tom,
July 9, 2013 7:42 PM

Mature First Date

Challenging on many levels. Most mature people have been married for many years and have not conversed with their spouses sadly enough. Skills of delving into who another is can also include questions about relationships with children ex spouses etc.

(15)
Avromy,
July 9, 2013 4:51 PM

Love your work!

Thanks alleza for these amazing tips. I believe in you and your heard work. It's something we as a people really need help with and you are truly one of a kind when it comes to dating and marriage.

Thank you and I appreciate you!

(14)
Anonymous,
July 9, 2013 4:15 PM

Good open ended questions

But honestly I don't understand the dating concept. I've always met people as I did activities and knew them awhile, then we'd go out and do things. Then it mayt Suzie Evjen lead to more or not. Wih the ris of internet, dating has become formulaic. So these are great questions and yr colmn is too.

(13)
Ilana,
July 9, 2013 3:54 PM

“Am I present in the moment?” - Great Advice!

My favorite gem from this article is:

"the only question I want you to repeat over and over again is, “Am I present in the moment?”"

This is a major key for dating and life in general. Thank you for a great article.

(12)
Leora,
July 9, 2013 3:38 PM

being present

my friend and i were just talking about how important it is to be present and focused on the person– especially when dating and then, Y"H, with marriage too.

(11)
Yisroel Juskowicz,
July 9, 2013 2:18 PM

Very insightful article!

This article is amazing! It can totally change one's dating experience and make ach date more than just a "chore" but an opportunity, an opportunity to really connect and open one's expectations.

(10)
Julia,
July 9, 2013 1:45 PM

great advice

this article totally resonates. i love the advice. can't wait to pass it along to all my friends who are dating. i think this can really make a difference

(9)
Adee,
July 9, 2013 10:52 AM

Good Advice

Aleeza is giving great advice. Every time I go on a first date I feel like I'm in an interrogation. How can you know if this person is right for you if you don't ask questions. Every first date then turns into the standard 20 questions. I almost feel like I'm in a game of clue and if I ask enough questions I might just find that Professor Plum did it in the Library with a candle stick.

I like the way Aleeza phrased her questions. This allows for a conversation where you get to learn the thought process and the ideals a person has not just there mane, dates, and work history. It is hard to find a soul mate using a questionnaire. It is much easier to know a person when you know what they like about their job not just what they do.

Great Advice!

(8)
Bracha,
July 9, 2013 10:31 AM

Good points

It seems to me that this is great advice for talking to people in general! Listening to the person, trying to find interesting things about the person you are currently talking to is fun, and can be used after you find the person you marry, as well. Thank you Aleeza - I enjoyed reading this article - I am looking forward to reading more.

(7)
Anonymous,
July 9, 2013 5:20 AM

Why ask why?

Aleeza's comments are totally right on. There are two big things girlfriends and I complain about when we go on dates -- a) guys just talked about themsevles (aka not being present with us), and b) when they do ask questions, it doesn't totallly feel like they're getting to know us. So many guys think it's all about the money or good looks, but really, we gals just want to know you guys are interested in the 'whys" of who we are!

(6)
Anonymous,
July 9, 2013 5:04 AM

Great Article

Great advice! If everyone read this article before their next date, I believe that their dating experience would greatly improve! I love the suggestion of open ended questions! Really smart!

(5)
Anonymous,
July 9, 2013 4:40 AM

Great Advice

Such good advice. I'm eager to share the article with friends.

(4)
Melanie,
July 9, 2013 4:38 AM

Great advice (with a slight tweak)

Great advice! So true! I would tweak the first bullet of advice. Asking something like "how do you like to spend your free time" is the same difficult-to-answer question as the blanket questions described in the third bullet. I prefer to ask questions like, "what did you do this past week/weekend? Or what are your summer plans?" Or for instance instead of asking, "what type of music do you like?" Ask, "what station do you listen to?" Open ended questions are key but making them a little more specific can help ease your date by taking some of the pressure off.

(3)
Miriam,
July 9, 2013 4:20 AM

Very Informative

Great point about how to ask questions! I hate those pesky "yes and no" questions with no follow up to them. Keeping the conversation alive is very important

Please publish more articles similar to this one.

(2)
Anonymous,
July 9, 2013 3:59 AM

Valuable

Valuable information that will be useful on future first dates that I go one.

(1)
scott,
July 7, 2013 9:04 AM

A differnt take on fiirst dates.

The purpose of a first date is to decide whether or not you want a second date. That's it. You will not fall madly in love. You will not recognize your soul mate. "Chemistry" is simply a term people use to justify inappropriate behavior. A good dater can create it it effortlessly and take advantage of you.

I recommend is taking charge-whether you are male of female-take charge. And get what you want...information. But do it subtly.

First thing...find something about the date you genuinely like. Something personal but probably not physical (don't be creepy.) And point out that you like it and then ask questions about it. Assume your date is more nervous that you. This makes them feel you like them (it helps if you do) and opens them up. Second thing...when they start talking don't interrupt. Ask questions to move the conversation around to things that you want to know. And then listen. You should disclose things as well, but remember that you're there to get to know them...you already know yourself. Save that for date two or three. People like people who listen actively. The smartest and most wonderful person in the world is the person who understands me and agrees with me. If you listen and don't tell me otherwise I assume you're that person. You don't have to get me to like you.Third, if you're having a good time say so. Don't leave it hanging. I mean don't declare your undying love, but don't let the other person leave wondering whether or not you want to go out again. If you don't, then talk about being busy...they'll get the message.

The other things...be on time. If you're the guy, bring your wallet and cash. Clean clothes, fresh breath, light or no alcohol, hold open doors, say please and thank you. And for heaven's sake.. the waiter..the barrista, the cab driver...remember how you treat them is how your date will assume you'll end up treating him or her.

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!