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Tuesday, 18 March 2014

It’s the answer to most questions I’m asked these days and
part of me wonders – if I keep saying it long enough will it become true?

At what point after losing someone you love – someone you
can never replace – do the words “I’m fine” stop being a lie and finally become
reality? A month? Six months? A year?

At this point I find it hard to imagine there ever being a
time when I can say the words “I’m fine” without lying. Because it seems that
there will always be this nagging feeling at the back of my mind that nothing
will ever be quite ‘fine’ again.

Some people have told me not to tell the lie. “When people
ask you how you’re doing, just tell them the truth,” they say.

I can picture the conversation now.

“How are you doing?” Someone asks.

“Well…” I reply. “Since you asked…actually…”

And three hours later their face is a fixed grimace of
horror, and they swear a vow to never ask me how I’m doing again.

The truth is, it’s not something I can share with people
around me. I’m not going to say nobody understands what I’m going through.
Because that would be a lie too – I’m not the first person to lose a father far
too young and unexpectedly and I won’t be the last. It is true though that we
all grieve in our own ways – so the way I’m feeling isn’t something anyone else
can quite understand – not fully.

My normal routine for heart-break and sadness is to let it
all out on paper. My books are where the “I’m fine” lie ends and the truth
pours out. It’s where I lay bare my feelings, and rant against the unfairness
of the world.

For some reason this time I’m struggling. The “I’m fine” lie
is even translating to the page where I play it safe and stick to the easy
parts of what I’m writing. My characters are currently living in happy la-la
land populated by unicorns and puppies because I can’t face writing anything
real. Yes, I know what people are thinking – I write fantasy filled with
knights and dragons and fey folk, none of it is real – but the emotions of my
characters, those are real because they come from somewhere inside me, and
right now I can’t bring myself to make them feel pain. I’ve got far too much of
my own to deal with.

So I guess for now I’ll stick with “I’m fine.” I’ll keep
repeating the lie in person and on paper and I guess that one day – without even
realising it – I won’t be lying anymore.