Hilarious Thanksgiving Quotes & Jokes to Share at the Table

Keep them in stitches at the dinner table, just make sure you know the Heimlich maneuver!

“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” -- Kevin James

"I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. It's a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving." -- Craig Ferguson

"Thanksgiving is the day men start getting in shape … to play Santa Claus." -- Melanie White

“Thanksgiving. It’s like we didn’t even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'” -- Jim Gaffigan

"I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land." -- Jon Stewart

"Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often." -- Johnny Carson

"Stove Top Dressing: satisfying your craving for a big bowl full of wet onions and mush since 1957!" -- Mike Vanatta

"I have had vegan Thanksgiving of tofurkey and soy gravy. And it's not to say that Thanksgiving will ever justify the genocide of the Native Americans. But vegan Thanksgiving -- that's just spitting on the graves, isn't it?" -- Hari Kondabolu

"I love Thanksgiving turkey ... it's the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts." -- Arnold Schwarzenegger

Q: What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
A: If your father could see you now, he’d turn over in his gravy.

"Too soon, bro. Too soon."

"Too bad those pilgrims didn't gather around some cheeseburgers instead of a turkey." -- Lisa Goodwin

"Is it just me or does everybody have that one uncle who disappears after dinner and then shows up asking for the plunger."-- Darin Loves Bacon, Twitter

"I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” -- Howie Mandel

"Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty." -- Michael Dresser

"Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, Blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?" -- Kenny Rogerson

"I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘man, just be yourself.'" -- Mitch Hedberg

“If you wish to make an apple pie truly from scratch you must first invent the universe.” -- Carl Sagan

Q: Why can’t you take a turkey to church?
A: Because they use fowl language.

"Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America's obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car." -- Stephen Colbert

"You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out." -- Jay Leno

“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.” -- Erma Bombeck

"OMG, I gave thanks for everything yesterday, but it was the WRONG DAY." -- Steve Martin

A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn't find one big enough. She asked the stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied "No they're dead." --- www.jokes4us.com

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Do you have a great Thanksgiving joke or quote? Share in a comment below!

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