Jade tucks her cycling helmet under her arm, and turns to address the members of parliament staff.

‘I bring glad tidings from the metropolis!’, she cries . ‘Ser Basil has declared that there is to be synergy! It is time for a new leader! Vote now! Not for her! For me, me!’

Cries of ‘Me, too!’, ‘I will cut everything, everything, I tell you!’ and ‘Standards at the Happy Taizhou Happy Burger Cafe will only improve if you vote for me!’ fill the Senate Chamber.

Dear Reader. I will not insult your intelligence by telling you what I would do if reappointed.

I step down from the podium, passing Mise, Darren and Lu-Seal in the front row. They issue quite uncharacteristic invitations for afternoon tea, a night out at the Bar of Gold, and an inspection of the vulture enclosure in the Remembering Garden, respectively.

I ignore them all, for history is on my side.

What’s more, dear Reader, I have the only copy of the UWL Taizhou Constitutional Handbook in my hands, and I am heading straight for the boiler room.

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*Astute readers will note that I am not counting the five empty chairs with the signs hung over them reading ‘We will never kiss Dr Ada’s Louboutins’.

I have been contacted by the local chapter of the Association of Lumbering Hulks, who wish to object most strongly to your tone, and to invite you to their next consciousness-raising meeting, which will take place at the Elephant and Castle. Five-course dinner, no bicycles allowed.

The vultures have been circling all night and then turned on each other when they ran out of prey. The resultant bloodbath has meant I have had to close the Remembrance Garden for deep cleaning and temporary restocking with dead dodos and stuffed parrots.

The entirely unanticipated consequences of the Quinquennial Peckathon are that I remain Grand Vice Chancellor of UWL Taizhou. Please dispose of the stuffed parrots in accordance with University recycling policy, and send the dodos to the Happy Taizhou Happy Burger Cafeteria for the celebratory buffet.