Saturday, September 19, 2009

Talkin' Tox! featuring Nancy Pelosi

[voiceover] "Welcome to 'Talkin' Tox!' the only talk show in the world centered on botulism toxin, and all its wonderful uses! Talkin' Tox! can be seen on pubic access channel 177 and can also be heard during the late night hours on XM Satellite Radio channel 666. Now, here's your hostess with the mostest, NaaaaAaancy Pelllllllosi!"

[.wav file of simulated applause, Pelosi enters]

[Pelosi] "Thank you! Our first guest today is Helen Thomas."

[.wav file of simultated polite clapping]

[Thomas hutt-shuffles herself across the stage and takes a seat]

[Helen] "Nancy, you look great today! And I love the custom bluetooth earpiece! It makes you look so hip and stylish!"

[Nancy] "Thank you so much."

[Helen] "You're a strong woman to remain so upbeat during this national wave of racism we're facing."

[Nancy] "It is so sad. It reminds me of the '70s, you know, Milk and Moscone. My skin used to be smooth and alabaster white, like milk. [Begins to choke up]

[Nancy] "It's not really a bluetooth. I earmarked a bunch of stimulus money to a nanotech firm in my district, and they made this for me. What looks like an earpiece is actually a modified morphine clicker, like they give to terminally ill people who should probably not have the surgery and should just use the clicker 'til they die. But instead of morphine, the nanotech gurus figured out how to grow live botulism bacteria inside this device, and extract the tox whenever I click. It is pumped into a network of nanotubes I had implanted in my face. So, I wasn't really crying. It was just my flab obstructing my tear ducts. I feel much better now."

[Helen] "It is so amazing what they can do with the internet these days."

[Nancy] "Enough about me. How can we help you?"

[Helen] "Well, that Barack Obama is such a handsome young devil. I'd like to look good enough to seduce him."

[Nancy] "Helen, compared to his wife, you'd already be an upgrade!"

[Helen] "Oh my, you're so kind."

[Nancy] "Let me see what we can do."

The beep-beep of a forklift in reverse. It sets a 55 gallon drum on the side of the stage. A burly stagehand turns to barrel so that the biohazard marking can be seen by the audience. Nancy pulls a very large syringe out of her purse - the kind you'd use to tranquilize a sperm whale - and draws a syringeload of botox from the drum.

[Nancy] "Hold still, Helen. It'll only hurt for a sec." [Numerous jabs in Helen's face, injecting the botox] "Let's do something about those eyebrows while we're at it." [Fires up weed-whacker] "And maybe a little RINOplasty on that nose" [fetches wirecutters from purse]

[Nancy] "There! What do you think?" [holds up a mirror]

[Helen] "Wow! I haven't looked this good since I reported on the Spanish-American War!"

Helen Thomas, before and after one treatment ofNancy Pelosi's "Nan in a Can" botox.