It happens too often: The daughter caring for her parents gets ticked at her siblings for not helping. Before long, everyone's angry.

Some children have genuine gripes; their siblings could and should be doing a lot more to help. Others neglect to ask for help, either playing martyr or expecting others to read their minds.

Whatever the dynamics, rifts created in times of caregiver stress are difficult to bridge. And when parents are gone and we no longer have a relationship with siblings, we miss out on so much family history – and love.

In order to keep the peace, protect relationships and still feel they're getting a fair shake, some primary caregivers are asking parents to help draw up legal agreements, compensating the caregiver for all the hard work. And make no mistake, looking after aging parents is tough, no matter how much we love them.

Obviously, the agreements only work when parents have assets and the capacity to sign a legal document.

San Diego Eldercare attorney Judy Copeland has drawn up dozens of contracts. Cost varies from $500 to $1,000, depending on the length of the process. She believes every family caregiver should have a contract. “That way, everyone knows what's expected of them.”

Without one, she points out, “The unhelpful siblings often think the dutiful sibling should sacrifice themselves and do all the care for free. This preserves the estate for the unhelpful ones to inherit.”

Actually, Copeland says, it's a good idea to ask all siblings to sign the contract. That way, no one is surprised, and siblings can't change their minds later.

The monetary value of caregiving differs from family to family. The caregiving children must decide how much they do for their parents and what that's worth. You need to be realistic. Just because a massage therapist might charge $60 an hour doesn't mean you, as an amateur, are entitled to that much.

To get started, you might phone a few home-care companies to get their fees. Of course, Copeland says, when you determine your own worth, you need to factor in what you're giving up to be a caregiver, including how much income you're losing.

Even if you as the caregiver hire professional help, you need to factor everything you still do, including hiring help and staying on top of what's going on.

Naturally, you need to factor in how much your parents can afford. How much Social Security do they get, and how much are their expenses? What's the value of their estate?

Copeland points out that appropriate payments for services are not considered gifts and will not disqualify your parents for Medi-Cal. You need to pay taxes on this income, unless your parents treat it as a gift. And gifting can affect future Medi-Cal eligibility.

There are several ways of arranging payment. You might, for example, get a lump sum. Then, if you don't live up to the contract, you'd have to repay it. Otherwise, your siblings could sue for breach of contract.

If you get paid upfront and your parents die early, you might get to keep the money, depending how the contract is worded. “You're gambling that they won't live too long, and your parents are gambling that they'll outlive the money they've given you,” Copeland says. “It's akin to a private annuity.”

You might design the contract so that if your parents run out of money and you're still helping, you're compensated from the eventual sale of the house, Copeland suggests.

The bottom line is if you're paid for your Herculean efforts, you might not feel so put upon and you might not burn out as quickly.