Stephen Colbert: Veep Mike Pence Is Very Naughty

UPDATED with video: For the past week everybody everywhere has been wondering about Devin Nunes’ secret intelligence source at the White House, Stephen Colbert said at the top of Thursday night’s Late Show. “Nunes has refused to reveal who it was, out of concern that if his source was exposed, he’ll haves to come up with a new reason to cancel all the Russia hearings.”

Earlier in the day, The New York Times revealed that two people met with Nunes, the California Republican chairman of the House Intelligence Committee: Ezra Cohen-Watnick, senior director for intelligence at the National Security Council, and Michael Ellis, a lawyer who had worked on national security issues at the White House.

“The rest of the story hasn’t changed,” Colbert said. “It was legal wiretaps of foreign officials who were apparently talking to Trump people. We still don’t know what they were talking about, or if Trump’s campaign colluded with Vladimir Putin.”

CNBC tried to get answers straight from the horse’s mouth, asking the Russian ruler if he tried to influence the outcome of the U.S. presidential election. Putin made a reference to Ronald Reagan having told the American people, when asked about raising taxes, “Read my lips: No.”

Actually, it was George H.W. Bush who said the “Read my lips: no new taxes” gag – and then raised taxes – but, whatever. Anyway, Colbert noted the error, adding, “It’s the reason Vlad lost Jeopardy’s War Criminals Week.

“Speaking of Donald Trump’s loved ones,” Colbert segued, “yesterday it was announced Ivanka Trump will become a federal employee in the White House, serving as the president’s eyes and ears. No word yet on who will be operating his brain.”

Colbert noted that Ivanka Trump will be Trump’s assistant, son-in-law Jared Kushner is his senior adviser, and he’s “put Eric and Donald Jr. in charge of the National Hair Gel Reserve.”

Taking a break from Trump, Colbert turned his attention to Mike Pence. The Washington Post profiled the VP, noting remarks he made 15 year ago about never eating a meal with a woman other than his wife. That can only mean that Pence is so out of control he has to be monitored by his wife at all times, Colbert concluded: “One Amstel Light and he’s humping the bread baskets.”

Pence also said he won’t attend events featuring alcohol without his wife by his side.

“He is so naughty, if you left him alone with a bottle of whiskey he might try to have sex with it,” Colbert warned.