On the Market: Get Fired Up Over This UES Townhouse

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Though some are confident in its bouncebackability, a word we implore you not to look up, the Manhattan luxury real estate market is still proving to be the collateral damage of the financial world's woes. Crain's checks in on the struggles of properties currently priced over $10 million, and in doing so chooses to run a photo from Stribling's listing for the $17 million townhouse at 161 East 74th Street. Now, the townhouse is never actually mentioned in the story, but we can see why it was chosen to illustrate the piece: It's kind of bonkers! For example, is that the world's largest TV set, or the world's smallest motorcycle? Ponder that while we show ourselves around.

This six-story 20-footer would probably be asking $10 million more if it wasn't located—gross!—east of Lexington Ave. out in Madonnaland. Why do we say that? Fabulous touches like the "six+ wood burning fireplaces," and if you're wondering why the brokers wrote "six+," it's because you'd get tired of counting after a while, too. And about those fireplaces. This is the finest array of listing pyrotechnics we've seen in a while. Take a look:

What we have here is a mood-setting slow burn. A soft amber glow for when the house's owner plays chess against his fellow titans of industry. The stakes? Human souls, of course.

Now we're in a full-on, all-consuming holocaust. The message here? Look here, all you who dine at my table—particularly you annoying, less-wealthy relatives I was forced to invite over for Thanksgiving dinner—and fear me! Also, this provides a dramatic way to inform the help that the meal they prepared isn't up to snuff. Right in the flames!