Letter to troops from the biased left-wing media

November 16, 2006|by TIM ROWLAND

Commentary

I was disciplining my dog with The Herald-Mail recently, when I noticed a letter to the editor from Lynn Jones of South County, encouraging us all to write personalized cards for our troops to read this holiday season, which her group will collect and pass along. Her wish is my command:

Dear Troops,

Many of you who are reading this do not know me. But let me assure you that - although you do not know it - you already share a common bond with the local folks here in Hagerstown, Md. Because both of you have asked the same question: Who is this goofball and why should we care what he writes or thinks?

These are excellent questions. I am a member of the biased, left-wing, commie-pinko media, who are always looking to undermine our armed forces overseas.

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Take, for example, my seatmate Amy. She's a design editor for our Lifestyle section, and I can assure you that at this very moment she is sitting there thinking: "How can I make this layout for a recipe of carrot soup more offensive to the troops?"

Yes, being left-wing journalists, I feel pretty certain in saying that everyone here in the newsroom is plotting to undermine you, our protectors overseas.

The good news is that we, as left-wing journalists, always fail miserably at everything we try to do. Especially if it involves math. We have the only NCAA office pool where nobody wins.

All right, maybe there are some journalists who support our troops. It might be the majority, even.

But I am a newspaper columnist, and by statute I am prohibited from coming out in favor of anything. That's why you see columnists write such stupid sentences as, "Freedom is a good thing, but TOO MUCH freedom, in the WRONG HANDS can have a devastating impact on..."

Now you probably want to know a little bit about the community that I am from. It is a small city in Western Maryland. Western Maryland is a progressive, enlightened spot, particularly when compared to, say, Western Bolivia.

Our hobbies include church and deer hunting. Turn-ons are the 2nd Amendment, long walks in Wal-Mart, sunsets over the drag strip and cuddling in front of a fire, preferably one fueled by multiple copies of Darwin's "Origin of Species."

Turn-offs include, well, pretty much everything not listed under turn-ons.

But we are good people. For example, if a troop should ever break down on the Interstate, actual fistfights would erupt over who would get to provide assistance. Two out of every three cars on the road have one of those yellow "Support our Troops" ribbon-decals. Some of these cars do not have license plates. Others are high-end Lexus-types, whose owners would never ever dream of marring the finish with a decal - except one giving you a thumbs up. Support here runs through all social, and yes, political levels.

In a sharply divided nation, take heart in knowing that you have provided unity.

As you read these words, the holidays are once again at our throats. This is the season when everyone in Iraq wishes they were back home - and everyone back home wishes they were in Iraq.

Especially the men. Given a choice between facing an RPG and J.C. Penney, we would have to think long and hard. Shopping malls have no Green Zones.

But in closing, may I assure you that people here think about you a lot. Not just in a general "Support our Troops" sense, but in a real and personal sense. We wonder about the heat, the sand, the gunfire, the uncertainty. We wonder about the pressure you face. Few other soldiers in history have had to be both warriors and ambassadors. Few other soldiers in history have been burdened with the knowledge that shooting may, or may not, be the right thing to do, and that you may have to make such a complex decision in an instant.

We marvel at your skill, courage, intelligence and flexibility. And we say thank you and Merry (under the circumstances) Christmas.

And keep in mind, this wish comes from a hate-spewing, injustice-seeking, new-age-order-loving - well, you know the stereotype - media guy.

So if I feel this way, just imagine how the normal citizenry must feel.

Your pal,Tim.

(Those who wish to send a holiday greeting to the men and women in the military may address them to: South Washington County Military Support Group, c/o Lynn Jones, P.O. Box 223, Keedysville, MD 21756. The deadline is Nov. 20. Lynn may be reached at 301-432-4979 or by e-mail at Lalollie2278@aol.com.)

Tim Rowland is a Herald-Mail columnist. He can be reached at 301-733-5131, ext. 2324 or via e-mail at timr@herald-mail.com. You can listen to his podcast, The Rowland Rant, on www.antpod.com