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Bitch-Back! Don't Cry For Taylor Lautner

by
Ted Casablanca
Sat., Jun. 12, 2010 5:30 AM PDT

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Dear Ted:I feel bad for Taylor Lautner and this is coming from a hardcore Rob Pattinson fan. He's always the third wheel, and Team Jacob can't even compare to Team Edward. Everyone's always dissing him about his acting, but, I honestly don't think it's that bad, he just doesn't have the right chemistry with Kristen. Also please tell me this squeaky clean image he has is a lie. Someone's gotta have some dirt on this kid.—Kelly

Dear Dry Your Tears:Don't feel too bad for Tay Tay, he loves the attention. He's happy enough playing third wheel on the biggest press tour of the summer if it means getting girls to swoon over his abs and pouting on the cover of plenty of magazines. And, trust, Kell—he is definitely no saint.

Dear Ted:I have to ask directly to the source, what exactly does Hollywood have against Sarah Palin? Isn't Hollywood supposed to be pro-woman? So what if she is a little down home country, she's smart, attractive and caring about her family and her country. You might not agree with all of her opinions but really, is she as bad as you guys make her out to be?—Berry

Dear Schooled:You can take my spot, doll, because A.Skars is not our boozin' nudie. Think not as big, right now. In, uh, every way.

Dear Ted:Is it just me or are Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie look pretty rough around the edges? With the exception of his kids, do you think Brad Pitt discovered life isn't so greener on the other side with Ange and regrets his decision now to be with her?—Mr. Moore

Dear 6 Months Ago:You're just coming to this conclusion now?

Dear Ted:So since Nevis isn't split with his girlfriend and he's not doing hard drugs again, what's the deal with Miss Co-star? Is Nevis sniffing around her again recently and hooking up with her behind his girlfriend's back?—CN

Dear Third Wheel:Hardly, much to the dismay of Miss Co-star. She'd love a little lovin' right now. Boo hoo, poor lady.

Dear Ted:Who is raising Baby Tile? I'm guessing if both his dads are so attached to their respective closets, they wouldn't both be living with Baby Tile full-time. And the beard for Daddy Grey Goose, does she know Baby Tile exists? If so, does she spend quality time with Baby? I'm so curious about how this unusual family works/doesn't work. Betsy and Tacy, my two rescue kitties, are also curious about this whole sitch. Details, please!—Tib

Dear Family Matters: Darling, this was all arranged ages ago—by professionals. And it largely continues to remain so (to the knowledge of everyone involved, of course), with the exception of Toothy himself.

Dear Ted:I found Scarlett Johansson absolutely sexy and stunning in Iron Man 2, and that kiss she pulled off with Sandra Bullock at the MTV Movie Awards was perfect. I'm also a fan of Robert Pattinson. I think he's amazing and I was wondering, what do you think about ScarJo and Rob doing a movie together? Now that is movie I'd definitely watch.—Diedre

Dear Come To Hollywood:Sure, I'd see it. Maybe a caveman romance so we can get Rob in a loin cloth? Just a suggestion. But could you imagine the tabloid headlines? "Scarlet Johansson Leaving Hubby For R.Pattz!" No thanks, Reese rumors are stupid enough for me.

Dear Ted:I want to thank you for writing that piece on Harry Potter's Tom Felton (even if you did include that mediocre Twilight in it). You said really nice things about him, which makes us HP fans love you even more. What did you think of the way we handled himself against Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg when he won Best Villain at the MTV Movie Awards?—DD

Dear Wizard Lover:Classy dude and able to have a good sense of humor. I think he'll go far in T-town, which is good news because we had no idea how many fans are totally crazy about Tom Felton. Good to see R.Pattz has some competition.

Dear Ted:I love the fact that Bono is all about helping others (AIDS, Third World debt reduction, civil rights, etc.). Glad to hear he's on the mend from back surgery. Has my favorite singer and do-gooder ever been a Blind Vice?—Viking

Dear Wrong Rocker: Nope, you must be thinking of Sting.

Dear Ted:Just wanted to say thanks for your article on Obama's lack of response to the oil spill fiasco. The reasons why I think you should write—well, continue to write—about politicians are too many for me to list, but one is that getting the gossip about them can be a lot more revealing than whatever official news outlets can publish. I know you get a lot of grumpy curmudgeons complaining whenever you write about leaders instead of focusing only on entertainers, so this is just to counteract that a little. Great job as always, Ted.—Agusta

Dear Don't Worry:Thanks.AndI'll keep writing about politics no matter how many folks bitch in the comments. Don't like it? Skip it. Easy enough.

Dear Ted:As a fellow cat lover, I was just wondering; as Crescent Kumquat is just getting into the closet, is he taking any pointers on how to behave from the more experienced inhabitants, for example good old Toothy?—Ida

Dear Role Model:Not so much Toothy. MoreTopher Hairy-Tuchas with his Internet hook ups and whatnot.

Dear Ted: Every Supernatural fan (or, just everyone in general) needs to know that the show is being made into a 22-episode anime for slated for 2011. Let's pray that the original cast agrees to do the voice acting for the American dub! BTW, this is awesome! Spread the good word, Ted!—Sinister

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