Who cares about the Olympics anyway? People who go on about adrenalin rushes and the "natural" high brought on from running ten kilometers a day are invariably boring assholes. What about taking part in a competitive sport which is actually fun and doesn't leave your legs feeling like they've been twatted with a pool ball in a sock for five hours? We're talking about San Francisco's annual Masturbate-a-thon, which is a bit like those telethons that they used to do on TV in the 80s to raise money for charity but with jerking off instead of dumb-ass celebrity dance routines and teddy bear mascots. There are prizes in different categories, from "Longest Squirt" to "Most Orgasms," but the real sportsmen are found in the "longest time spent masturbating" event. Fuck long distance running, this is a solid-gold endurance event. Holder of the title for the last two years is Masanobu Sato, a worker at Japanese sex toy manufacturer Tenga, who this year beat his previous record, coming in (ha) at NINE HOURS AND FIFTY EIGHT MINUTES. We got in touch with Masanobu to find out exactly how he lasted so long.

Anna Biller makes movies about sex and sexy women who are smart, which is a super weird coincidence because she's exactly the same way. Take, for example, VIVA, essentially an ode to the swinging 70s that encapsulates all the best bits of Playboy, Russ Meyer and John Waters films, and lonely-heart love letters written by housewives in need of satisfaction. It was directed, written, produced, and edited by one Miss Anna Biller, and it was her first film. She also stars in the movie, which is lucky because she's awesome.

There are moments in life when you know you’re making a bad decision but
you do it anyway. Take the other night, for example. Completely aware of the
inevitable regret that would follow, I fucked a 6ft 3 guy in a bunk bed. Don’t
get me wrong; bunk beds are great for building forts and kicking your brother
between the slats while he’s trying to sleep, but when you’re 22, they’re
pretty much up there on the turnoffs list with AIDS and leprosy.

Just so you know, I’m not one of those weird adult babies you see on
the internet. When I arrived in Toronto, I took the first clean room I found
that was downtown and within budget. The room happened to come with bunk beds.
Not ideal, but whatever. I just swore to myself I’d never bring anyone back
home and nobody would ever know. This is all very well until the guy you want
to sex lives on the other side of town and it’s 3am and you’re both drunk and
horny. This is how it went down.

Writer's block is the journalistic equivalent of a soft cock. When doing something that is such an extreme combination of fear and excitement, it can make it difficult to come up with the goods required to complete the job at hand. This is exactly how I felt when I got a call from my editor asking if I "minded" interviewing one of the world's biggest porn stars while she was in Sydney to promote her first mainstream film--Steven Soderbergh's The Girlfriend Experience. Of course I was like, "Sure, no, that's fine I don't mind at all, think I can manage that." And cue 14-year-old school boy enthusiasm combined with what-the-fuck-am-I-going-to-do panic. After all, it's not very often you meet someone that you've seen in every sexual scenario imaginable before you have even shaken her hand. The following is my conversation with Sasha Grey, quite possibly the most exciting 20 minutes of my life.

According to some people, if you want to "go out on the pull" (that's funny British talk for picking up chicks) conventional wisdom says that you go with your friend who has that giant goiter and a weeping facial wound. Some crappy scientists have officially subscribed to this theory, presumably to drum up publicity for science and get more funding for research into how to blast meteorites out of Earth's trajectory. Unfortunately, some other scientists disagree totally and think that you've got to stand with someone so insurmountably hotter than you so the glory will reflect back on your nasty face. In an effort to get to the bottom of this heated debate, I was photographed while standing next to the assorted masses of London to see which made me look sexiest.Judge me. I can take it.

Back in the 80s you had to be the greasy-faced loser in the video store or lucky beyond your years in order to score an illegal copy of Jörg Buttgereit’s Nekromantik. Owing to this, and the fact that he makes great films, Jörg has since become renowned as a talisman of German Gore. His sick masterpieces have faced so much censorship that today, it’s still neigh on impossible to lay your hands on hard copies—Nekromantik II: The Return of the Loving Dead, for example, was nationally confiscated and the legal case dragged on for two years before the movie finally went on limited release.

My friend Ewald gave me a knitted tongue and vagina for my birthday last year. What a sweet guy. He found them at a craft fair in Montreal. Toronto artist Shannon Gerard sewed up this super sweet finger fun set that I am holding in my hands, along with other notable genitals Ewald saw on the table that day.

Legalized prostitution celebrates its tenth anniversary this year in Denmark. As long as you’re in good with the IRS – the freebee amendment, we gather – you can sell that horizontal mambo till your crotch falls off. So getting laid during the UN Climate Summit in December should be fairly easy, right? Wrong. The Copenhagen City Counsel recently emerged with a plan. An ethical code of conduct to be handed out during the cleverly nicknamed COP15, saying something like, ”Lay off the hookers, climate dudes. Please.”

Japan is the place where ridiculous things are easily accepted by everyone. For instance, this ancient penis-worship shrine built out of grave stones. No one knows exactly when it was made, but it clearly came before 1364 since there was a book written about it in that year. We do, however, know it was made "for couples hoping to have the healthy children," which is a great thing to support with our tax money.

After a slump in the 70s, after its heyday as a celebrity landing pad, Palm Springs revived itself as a homo travel destination. In fact, it's home to the biggest lesbian gathering in the world, the Dinah Shore Weekend. Every year, as an annual pilgrimage, tens of thousands of lesbians from all over the world descend upon Palm Springs for a long weekend of debauchery.