For the first time in my life I've had thoughts about why am I even here? Why do I even bother to try? What hope is there for me to have a healthy life and healthy relationships? Do I even have any worth at all? Would I be better off dead? Just more questions I dont have the answers to. And just as quickly as those questions come, I chase them away out of fear. I dont think I could do it. I'm too much of a coward.

Yea I've thought about it. What would be the least painfull? A hand full of pills, some booze and a nap in a warm bath. How would I be found and by who? It could take days, maybe weeks, even months, and it would probably be my landlord who found me. How would it affect my mom and my sister? Devestated. I dont think anyone else would even notice though. I'd disapear from existence and few people would even care. And so I know I need help.

Its so hard to talk about face to face. I've been asked the question. Are you thinking of hurting yourself or suicide? I say no, I couldnt do it, I'm too much of a coward. But I've thought about it.

Last edited by NewWestGuy76 on Thu May 17, 2018 9:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

So....I fell in love with a girlBut she doesn't love me backShe has a boyfriend who is trash and treats her like trashWhen she came into my life, the world became colourfulit was likeI was born at that moment to meet herShe is always so cheerfulShe is the light of my lifeI love her smileI love her jokeI love her sometimes she makes little senseI love how caring a person she isBut...she doesn't love me backI do everything for hertried and tiredsometimes i just want someone else to love meor for me to just love someone elseso that i can get out of this loopthis endless cycle of tormenti really love herbut butthis is pointless

I've been there as well so I can appreciate what you're going through. I'm not even sure how I got through it. I guess I just lived with it in silence until I accepted it for what it is and eventually met someone else and moved on. I know its difficult. I hope you get through it.

Over the past couple weeks I've been going through emotional distress daily. Feelings of intense sadness, worthlesness and hopelessness

I have been having trouble sleeping. I cant get my mind to shut off when I need to go to sleep and in the morning I dont want to get up even when I'm wide awake. Over the last several days when I wake up the first thing I do is start thinking about all the problems and negative crap in my life and how I feel so alone dealing with it all. I cry for a bit and then force myself to get up.

I'm not hungry at all. I eat maybe once a day and I force myself to eat because I know I need to. I've lost 10lbs over the past week just from not eating.

I want to be happy. I want to have a happy, healthy life. I just feel so stuck.

So this is just a small part of some of the things I’ve wrote about what I’m going through.

People say they get hurtI don't know what they're so afraid of.------------------------------------I think I'm going insane Sat having a conversation with people I don't know what they're sayingIt's like they're speaking a foreign language.------------------------------------I find myself randomly staring Just staring at nothing.------------------------------------I found that running seems to clear my mindBeen running twice a dayI just put music on and runIt's so peaceful.------------------------------------I'm still struggling to sleepSat here typing this when I haven't been to sleep Been awake for 28 hours now.------------------------------------I've taken to separating myselfI go and find somewhere quietJust listen to my music.------------------------------------I can't hold a conversation with anyoneI don't know what they're sayingI just keep zoning out.------------------------------------I think I've just experienced claustrophobia One of the worst fears I've ever hadI can't sleep in my bedIt's like a coffin.------------------------------------I don't know what I'm going to be likeWhen I get off this boatI'm only used to being around like 5 peopleThat's maximum at any one time.------------------------------------My eye sight has gone weirdI try to focus on somethingIt just goes blurry.------------------------------------Music and running seems to be my only escapeI don't know what to doI just want to be at homeWith my girlfriend and my friends.------------------------------------I keep seeing random things moveThere's nothing thereI keep hearing random voicesStill nothing there.------------------------------------Why am I writing thisNo ones going to read itI'm not going to show anyoneMaybe someone will find it.------------------------------------Feel like I'm writing shitty song lyricsBut f*** itIt's getting everything out of my head Putting it down in writing.------------------------------------My head keeps going to the worst placesThere's nothing I can doWhere are you supposed to goWhen you're trapped in your own mind.------------------------------------I'm getting anxietyI feel socially awkwardI can't be around peopleI feel like I'm just annoying everyone I'm just being weirdWhy am I like thisWhat the f*** is going on.------------------------------------I can't type anymoreMy heads overflowing with informationInformation that is scaring meI don't get scared easyBut this is something new.------------------------------------I might come backIn a few daysI'm going to try deal with this.

I was driving myself crazy with worry, stress, loneliness, sadness, and trying to control everything in my life including what other people thought of me, the future, etc. Finally one morning early (which tends to be my worst time) I was standing in the shower and the thought came to me. "Keep thinking like this and you will lose your mind, or stop and hang onto your sanity. Your choice." It was like a bucket of cold water over my head. I decided to stop thinking/worrying/stressing. It was probably the hardest thing I had ever done. It felt like I was removing myself from the "real" world and stepping out onto very thin ice. But I stuck to what felt like "foolish" abandonment and months later I looked back and wondered how I could have thought my distorted perceptions were the "real" world.

Here are a few lessons I learned along the way.1) Stop trying to control the world. You have no control over it anyway. Other people, the future, circumstances--most of the things I was obsessing over, were things I could do nothing about. How fruitless is that?2) Live now. Our minds have the strange ability to let us live in an alternate (usually not good) reality. The question is, what is going on right now, this instant. A cool breeze? Oxygen flowing to my lungs? A bite of fried chicken? What beautiful things are happening in this very moment that I can focus on and enjoy?3) Give without any expectation of receiving. There is something about "outflow" that is healing and comforting. Feed the pigeons. Help someone across the street. Plant flowers. This one is tricky because long habit can tie each of these things with a strong expectation of receiving--I may want a moment of awe with nature, or a "thank you" from the person I helped, or a beautiful garden from my seeds. But if I can drop all expectations of receiving and just give for the reward of giving, there is wonderful healing there.

Here's wishing every one of you hope and healing in a turbulent world!

When i read these stories, i feel guilt. my 'story' isn't half as bad... but, you know what, it still feels like hell. so, you know what, it's time i face some truths. lets start with, i should get some sleep.

Not sure how this forum works, so i'll keep this short in case it doesn't get put up. I get depressed sometimes, like yesterday. When i become aware of it i try and write down the thought i think is behind it...there always is one. Just that one act usually begins to interrupt the negative cycle. Yesterday the thouoght was 'i feel flat.' Then i became aware that i was going over past mistakes, no wonder i was feeling flat! Another thought i became aware of was 'i am struggling.' I questioned it: struggling with what? Physically i was fine, so it must be mentally Anyway my 'self inquiry' was interrupted by a phone call, but i hope i have given an insight as to how i deal with moments that appear gloomy which often lead to despair/no hope if not challenged. I am not my thinking and i don't have to believe my thoughts.