While the term Ivy League has connotations of academic excellence, selectivity in admissions, and social elitism, it began as an athletic conference comprising sports teams from eight private universities in the Northeastern United States. The eight members of the Ivy League are Brown University, Columbia University, Cornell University, Dartmouth College, Harvard University, the University of Pennsylvania, Princeton University, and Yale University.

Since the Ivy League is often considered to be the pinnacle of academic achievement, I thought it would be fun to rank these schools as a shopper might rank other businesses on that most confounding of review sites – Yelp. I’ll also feature each university’s most inane 1 or 2-star review. Yes, even Ivy League schools receive 1-star reviews, as crazy as that sounds, since there’s just no pleasing some people. Yelp also scrubs reviews for these prestigious institutions, though at a lower rate than for other business segments I’ve studied. Go figure.

The purpose of this blog is to point fun at the review process in general by basing each school’s brand narrative on a single bad review, written by folks who in some cases didn’t even attend the school they are reviewing.

1. Dartmouth College – Yelp rating – 4.5 stars (Zero 1-star reviews)Favorite 2-star review quote (since there were no 1 star reviews – yay, Dartmouth!): “But what made it truly unbearable is that every bit of pain and ridiculousness was intensified due to the fact there is nothing in Hanover except for Dartmouth College and therefore nowhere to escape… Good thing the college had universally convenient access to alcohol when I needed it… Two stars, because at least Dartmouth Dining Services had good food. :-\”That food saved Dartmouth from receiving its only 1-star review! Go dining services!

2. Princeton University – Yelp rating – 4.5 stars (only a single 1 star review)Favorite 1-star review quote – “Ask yourself whether tearing down others is the best way to get a leg up in the world.”Apparently, according to this reviewer, if you go to Princeton, yes, it is.No wonder Alexander Hamilton ditched Princeton for Kings College (Columbia).

3. Columbia University – Yelp rating – 4.5 stars (wayyyyyyyy overrated)Favorite 1-star review quote: “This school has some of the most arrogant staff and equally arrogant students. I was accepted here and declined after one visit. I was excited after having heard such good things about this school but once I spoke to students and staff, it became very clear that I was mistaken. DO NOT GO HERE!! It's wayyy overrated, overpriced, and not worth it.”Wrote the reviewer who didn’t actually attend Columbia. Perhaps a review by Alexander Hamilton would set the record straight.

5. Brown University – Yelp rating – 4 stars (after all, it’s still Ivy League)Favorite 1-star review quote: “A wonderful place to walk around if you are scouting out the lowest degree of hedonism, bad language and non-fashion and class. But be sure not to walk around after dark or one of Providence's sanctuary city criminals might cut your throat to grab your wallet to b{u}y drugs that are freely available around the neighborhood. Other than all of the above, it still is Ivy League.”Well, at least it’s still Ivy League. Can’t take that away from Brown! And apparently it has fantastically easy access to illicit drugs – hippies unite!

6. Harvard University – Yelp rating – 4 stars (too much of the wrong kind of grass)Favorite 1-star review quote – “It's physically unattractive and there's an atmosphere of snootiness there. Well, none of this is funny. It's meant to be a serious criticism. And apparently, I heard you're not allowed to go on the grass. That defeats the whole purpose of having nice grass.”Yes, it does! Grass is meant to be enjoyed! Bad on you, Harvard. Boooo!

7. University of Pennsylvania – Yelp rating – 4 stars (for perceived criminal element)Favorite 1-star review quote – “If folks realized how much crime took place within the Penn community, maybe they'd be more scared of their hallmates than of walking down Walnut Street after dark.”Only white-collar crime, I hope! I have to admit, kinda scared of Penn grads now…

8. Yale University – Yelp rating – 4 stars (most 1-star reviews of Ivy League)Favorite 2-star review quote (Yale had the most 1 star reviews of all Ivy League Schools, but I found this 2-star quote to be the best – “Three little words: grade inflation! amen!”Yes, Amen, indeed! Nothing like putting a bunch of nerdy overachievers on a grading curve so they can pass their classes. Ha!

Well, there you have it. When considering Ivy League schools for your overachieving nerd of a kid, the choice is clear – Dartmouth College for its lack of single star reviews courtesy of Dining Services. Of course, if your kid is on the lazy side of overachieving, Yale’s grade inflation can’t be beat!

So, if you’re business grappling with Yelp and it’s mysterious algorithm and are hoping beyond hope that someday you, too, will have 5 stars, feel secure in the fact that even this great nation’s most esteemed universities can’t catch a break on Yelp.