Crossing the Bridge from Coping to Receiving

On December 1st of last year, I dedicated a post titled “The Courage to Receive” to Mandy, and to each of you who have asked for support on your baby making pilgrimages. I began that post copying Mandy’s message from the community forum on our message board. And today I take nice slow grounding breaths, as I copy Mandy’s latest note:

Dear Fertile Heart Family,

I just took a moment to re-read this blog post, Julia’s public challenge to me and you all, to commit whole heartedly to this work. I am here, 3.5 months into this challenge, to share the news that I am 6 weeks pregnant. It feels utterly surreal to both write and speak those words, and I do hope my news is nothing more than a source of hope and strength for you all.

I am so grateful to Julia for challenging me and believing in me, so grateful to you all for your support and fertile heart sisterhood, and grateful to myself for not giving in to those orphans that were telling me “this work is not going to work!”

I owe so much to this community of women, and to Julia Indichova, and I look forward to being a continued member of this wonderful group of women, all on their own individual journeys.

I feel overjoyed, brilliantly happy, and relieved… while also terrified and worried. The tools continue to help me sort out who is responsible for all of these feelings and how to cope with them.

I hope this post will encourage you all to keep doing what you are doing- knowing that each step you take IS bringing you closer to your child, even though sometimes it feels like one step forward and 3 steps back.

Wishing you all the very very best in your fertile journeys and hope to be a part of this community to hear all of your happy conception stories.

In peace,
Mandy

As always, we have a number of new pregnancies in our Fertile Heart community and as I shared with Mandy, and some of my other clients, this first trimester-time is not an easy time for me as a teacher. Fragile humanoid that I am, having witnessed your journeys as closely as I have, this is a period of much learning for me. And I do hope a huge opportunity for growth for all of us.

It’s a time for flexing our “receiving” muscles once again, and continuing the baby making trek holding fast to the hand of the Ultimate Mom. It’s a time for letting go, and understanding a little deeper what our human pilgrimage is all about.

I sure would love this to be the right pregnancy for you Mandy and for every Fertile Heart sister out there. I’m rooting for all of you. But as I sit here wishing you well, I also have to keep reminding myself, that this work is not about getting what we want when we want it. I have to walk my talk and remind myself that life is a pilgrimage. Stopping at a holy site, gathering strength, breathing in the beauty of the holiness around us and hitting the road again, strengthened by all that we have received there.

So I say this to you, dearest Mandy and to each of you pregnant, not-yet-pregnant, or birthing your families in myriad of miraculous ways. All of you who are linked with the umbilical cord of longing to your not-yet-born child.

It indeed takes immense courage to receive the human experience with a fertile heart. To receive each event large or small and let it land in us as a seed lands in rich fertile soil. And then to do what it takes to water and nourish that seed until it blooms into deeper and deeper gratitude for the gift of Life. Until it grows into a clearer understanding of why we are here, and what we must do to earn the privilege of bringing another human being into this bewilderingly troubled home of ours.

It’s not easy! No one said it would be when we beamed down here. Still, it’s thrilling. Learning to be human is the most thrilling class we could enroll in. And it’s ten thousand times more thrilling when we find ourselves in a classroom full of courageous beautiful amazingly fertile classmates.

Mandy, Lisa, Princess R., Julia: I and all of us are here to continue supporting you. So that you don’t need to “cope” with all that rises up in you, but can receive whatever feelings come as provisions for the next part of the pilgrimage. And I sure hope you hang around, share your pregnancies with us on the new Visionary Mamas Message Board Forum or in any other way that feels right.

And as I read that original invitation, it looks like you and I, Mandy, have to write a blog post together. Funny, just before I read your note yesterday Mandy, I was thinking of a new Mother’s Day Challenge for our community. And I wondered who would be up for helping me with it.

And…one more miracle: Some time ago, we applied for not for profit status for the Turn It Around Project. I thought it would take months to receive it and it came today. With an official stamp and all. The Turn It Around Project, Inc.is now a not for profit organization.

Congratulations everyone on the pregnancies, and to Julia on the not for profit status!

Mandy I read your post last week at a point when my heart was truly aching, I could physically feel it. Your post was like a balm, it was so comforting and reassured me that this was another one of those ‘downs’ that would bring its own gift.

When I first read this post some orphans immediately jumped up for me, too. Mine were jealous, started to criticize me for not doing “more” and asked “who are you kidding.” Then I criticized myself for that reaction, for not being more “positive” about this news.

So I’ve been giving some attention to those voices before I posted my own comment. I’ve been working with the Transport to Truth imagery from the new CD. Over the last week, the images I receive have changed, and I’m starting to actually feel more hopeful from Mandy’s story, and beginning to see her story as one that could possibly be mine, too.

I remembered something Julia wrote. It was about a lady who finally got her period after a long time, who left a message that “God is good.” Julia’s response was to suggest that God is still good, even when we don’t get exactly what we want when we want it. (Sorry, Julia, I know I’m paraphrasing here, but I can’t remember where I read it.)

So I’ve decided that me not being pregnant yet is still an opportunity to get closer to my own truth, and that I can choose to use this and Mandy’s news to support my fertility. Now “it’s not fair, why not me?” is inching towards “Indeed, why not me?”

Thank you Julia, thank you Mandy.

Suzanne, your words really touched me! I’ve been thinking some of the same things about my relationship lately, too, and also feel very grateful for how this path has pushed me to a level of intimacy with myself and my husband that I both wanted and was afraid of before. Honestly, I don’t think I would have gotten to this place without the challenges on this journey, or could have done it without the longing for this child. The hiking and meadow image is beautiful. You’ve put a hard-to-describe thing into words very well.

Congratulations to all of you!
Julia, that’s so great about the non-profit status!
Mandy, I know we only spoke once to each other on the phone during one of our partnering up exercises but I wanted to let you know that you have been such an inspiration. It has been so special to watch you on this journey and I have appreciated you honesty and commitment to the work. I am so happy for you.
Thank you Julia (and Mandy in her post) for reminding me that life is a pilgrimage. When I get anxious about not getting the things I want, when I want them, I become short sighted. It’s like my orphans can only see what’s in front of them but nothing beyond that.
Over the weekend, I was involved in a dance performance where choreographers worked together with poets to collaborate on a dance piece. One of the choreographers worked with a poem by Joseph Mackie called “Take this dirt”. As I read the poem, I was really struck by it and was reminded of our fertile heart work. I wanted to share it with you all.

Take this old dirt, packed down dense
by indifference and the rain. Take a spade
to it. Turn it once in rows, just turn it.

Let the air and the sun get to know it
again, the under parts of it, the sum
of neglect and amnesia. When done,

sit with it, listen to the earth breathe
again, listen to the raspy wonder
it has for being the beneficiary

of your curiosity, for being an object
of your swollen green imagination finally
come to bud. A garden could grow here

Wow, lots of miracles happening, am inspired. I remember Mandy when you took on Julia’s challenge and you saw it through.
I want to have that commitment, but an orphan keeps saying to me- you’re different, you haven’t had periods for awhile (have POF), how could you ever get pregnant?
I’m very disciplined with what I put into my body, if I could just do that with my mind.
But maybe if we could just throw ourselves into doing the work, every day diligently, what would we have to lose? There’s much to gain in many ways. I don’t want to regret not giving this work my best shot.

Dear Sisters
Dear Friends
Dear Julia Indichova
Mandy Lisa Julia Princess congratulations!
Thank for sharing the inspirational experience.
I was thinking a lot’s about you Mandy , and I listen to the song.
I wrote a comment before in the blog sharing some Orphan voices , this weekend after reading your stories and your feelings and thoughts
I need yo thank you all deeply again for sharing.
As Julia says in her “Fertile Heart Guided Imagery CD” and in the phone circle Tis work needs to be done in community.
After reading you FH sisters I feel my Visionary much stronger.
Thanks!

Good going girls!! I love hearing about new pregnancies, it makes me feel closer to my own! Julia’s challenge for us to see the journey, not only the outcome, can be hard. Mystery alone knows why one of us may get pregnant quickly and another take a long time. Looking at the journey in the big picture might help to make another arrival of La Menses less of a big deal, I’ve been working on that. Anyway ladies, congrats again, I’m sending all the white light I can muster to your beautiful bellies. Be well. Heather

My heart is warmed with this announcement and I send you all my true felt love and support. Mandy, thank you for sharing the touching words of the song. It must have been another snowflake in your journey.

I’m excited that Julia created a new topic in the forum “Visionary Mamas” and I look forward to hearing from all you.

I feel so Identified with your longing and how you committed, is a great motivation !! your words are a wonderful reminder that I need to surrender to the practice .

I love the SONG!!!!!! Where can I listen to it?
I love music and as you said :

“Merry-Go-Round, has helped me through some rough Orphan-filled days over the past months, but also calls to me now, as I feel a most cautious state of bliss.
This is dance and music for me!

I deeply believe that this work Works!!!
But My Orphan is saying yes it works!!! but you are not doing it good enough , you must be doing something wrong!

So I’m letting this orphan talk her truth, and adopt her and take care of her, but is scary.
Very because doing this alone at home really scary things appear and sometimes, I stop my self going deeper because I’m scare that will heart so much !
When I have a phone session with Julia (or in a phone circle) I can open completely to let the orphans talk because Julia and my friends are there on the other side guiding abyss without a net to support me , SO my deeply gratitude to Julia and FH sister for being a great family teachers and guides ans support in this journey.

I am so happy for you guys. It’s great news and inspiring. I am holding this place in myself where you and your baby grow together. and, the magic that you bring into the world and this circle rubs off on all of us. And me!

And, of course, my orphans are acting up and I’m feeling jealous or blaming myself for not doing my exercises more regularly, taking up the challenge myself, etc. But, I’m just going to roll with that and use it as grist for the baby-making mill. Also, I hate to lose you in the phone circles if that happens so I hope you’ll stay on them through this process or keep on the message boards. Even though we haven’t met, I feel very connected to you all.

On my own journey, I have been off the message boards lately but I needed a break altogether and was ill for over a week. Which, was kind of what i needed to chill and tune out. We are back on the baby-making train after a few months. And, although I ovulated very late (and was surprised today when I did), I feel very positive about everything. Of course, the orphans chat with me and say all the scary things that i don’t want to think but I can hold all of that and learn. My husband and I are in an awesome place and it is really just something that i always wanted for us and held in my heart. I always felt that the journey to our baby would be full of new doors for us. And, the first of many gifts out of this is that I feel like we now have the relationship I/we have been working towards. I held it in my heart in a way that i can’t explain-sort of like mind’s eye. And, I fought against it–the part of me that was throwing a temper tantrum when it wasn’t happening. When I finally rolled into the uncertainty of relationship and marriage a few months ago…..explaining it in words is hard. It’s like when you are on a hike and you are so tired you can’t go anymore but you feel like “no, there’s totally going to be a crest in the hill and a rest” and there isn’t but you keep going. Then, finally, there’s a crest and there’s this magnificent meadow with a stream and all you feel is peace and relief. So, you rest and enjoy the meadow and know that the meadow is not set in that one place. Like I said, i cannot put it into words but it’s lovely. We weren’t ready when we started and we are now. And for that, I will forever thank myself, the universe and our baby.

I have dreamed of and touched my baby lately in between dream and wake. And, it was fab. Love to you all-Suzanne

I just wanted to congratulate you on your fabulous news! Hearing your voice and all the other fh sisters on our phone circles, I have images of each of you even though I don’t know what you look like. I picture a young sweet giving teacher and this news makes me so happy. This affirms what this work can really do when you commit to it!
What a gift you have been given and I hope you continue to ride that merry go round called life with continued passion.

Dear Mandy and Julia…Congratulations!
Mandy, thrilled to hear your news and results of your hard work, dedication and commitment to continue the work even when it was tough.
I still vividly remember you at the workshop last spring in Woodstock, sharing your story and through the year always supporting us fertile sisters with your warm and insightful message board responses and posts. This is a time of so much possibility and I hope you are savoring every moment of it. I look forward to hearing updates from you on your journey. Sending good energy your way!
Peace and Love,
Relina

Well. I am feeling loved and blessed, and it feels so incredibly wonderful. Thank you, Julia. I look very much forward to writing something with you in the coming days, and feel honored that the opportunity is presenting itself.

I think what I take away most from you right now, are the words you spoke to me on the phone when I told you my news – “this child has its own destiny,” coupled with your message in this blog. This mysterious, brave, and beautiful thing called life is something to embrace and receive, accepting that our control of it is limited.
I love this child inside me, and thanks to you, I have a much clearer understanding that this child is not MINE. I have the privilege of bringing it into this world.

For the past several months, I have been listening to a beautiful artist whose CD seems to get stuck in the player because one of the songs has resonated so much with me. Her name is Antje Duvekot, a beautiful and humble young woman with a stunning voice and, as can be experienced through her music, compelling wisdom.
One particular song, called Merry-Go-Round, has helped me through some rough Orphan-filled days over the past months, but also calls to me now, as I feel a most cautious state of bliss.

Here are just a few of the lyrics:

someone is tossing petals in a stream
somewhere someone is standing at the foothills of their dreams
someone got a paintbrush, is painting over doubt
someone opened up his eyes and say the sun coming out.

high in the hills there’s a baby being born
as forgiveness and peace wash over bruises and sores
people bridging the distance over nettles and thorns
Everyone aboard on the merry-go-round
some things will rise up so that others come down
if the devil don’t dance, heaven won’t shine
if the faucet is tightened up the love won’t flow and if the night isn’t dark enough the moon won’t glow.

This song has helped to remind me of our human challenges, our ride on this merry-go-round of life. Fertile Heart has provided me with the tools to ride more passionately, and with more compassion for myself. As Julia put so eloquently in her blog, “life is a pilgrimage.” No matter where you are on this pilgrimage or this merry-go-round, FEEL those ups and downs. I know, now wholeheartedly, that the “downs” allowed me to be where I am right now.
I am so grateful for Julia and all of you for helping me see my way through it.
I look forward to hearing about all of your individual rides!

I’ve been a follower of yours for some time, books, fertility support teleconferences, and emails, I wanted to let you know that against all odds and predictions (age, high FSH, low AMH, you name it I had it diagnosed…), I became a mother last week at age 42 of a beautiful baby girl.