Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Many people I know are having hard times with losses right now - loves lost through various means. I read that there is a “break-up corridor” between New Year’s and Valentine’s Day when more relationships fail than any other time of year. I don’t know the cause but it does seem to be heartbreak season. In consoling friends, I’ve given a lot of thought lately to endings and the new beginnings that come from them.

I know about complicated relationships with complicated people and complicated endings. There are some things that helped me... and continue to help me.

I had to acknowledge that for me, a heartbreak of any kind is a death, the loss of something or someone present, yes, but also the loss of the future I will never get to have. Letting go of that future and the life I had imagined for myself was incredibly difficult. I was left without that future and left without a direction. Like the loss of an arm, I will never be the same but I have learned how to live with the loss and how to get around in the world with one good arm. That phantom limb syndrome is a bitch, though – sometimes even twenty-five years later.

It can be gut wrenching to hear the word, “no,” whether you are hearing it come from your mouth or a mouth that you love. Bad timing is another way the universe has of saying “no” or “not now” and the what-ifs and second-guessing that go with that are treacherous country.

People may tell you that time, just time, will help. I have not found that to be true. I have had to work at it. I worked at re-framing the experiences little by little. I allowed myself to be sad about them and know to some degree, I always will be. My experiences in loss have made me a more vulnerable person and this in turn has made me a better woman. The life I have now is amazing and I would never have gotten here if things had played out even a tiny bit differently.

Therapy helps. Friends and family help. Faith helps. Writing helps. Dark chocolate helps. And thank God for sad songs and anti-depressants. If you are in a bad spot right now, I believe the universe does not want you to be lonely. The universe wants you to be happy. You will be happy, but first you won't be. This I believe with all my mended heart.

47 comments:

I see where Bob gets his wisdom. "I work at reframing my experiences little by little." I believe that that is what it takes. I also think maybe it takes time to be able to allow yourself to do that.Your words ring so true. I am not in a place of sadness right now, but I hope that those who are will have their eyes fall upon your words today.Thanks for writing.

I said this when I shared this stunning post on FB, too. Your words are like gems I carry in my pocket and I can take them out and admire their glittery truth when I need them. So grateful you are in my life.

Our family just lost a dear dear friend to suicide, six short days ago. Once again Lisa, your words ring so true in my heart. Thank you for your beautiful writing. Your words have helped this broken heart feel just a wee bit better. <3