Month: September, 2010

[For an assignment in the greatest class I took in college, “Dangerous Words.” We were supposed to write a cover letter for an imaginary job application. This is mine.]

Dear Sir/Madam:

I am applying for your job as “Mattress Tester” which was listed in the Oregonian and on Craigslist. As I have been sleeping in beds every night for nearly 27 years, I feel I am well and uniquely qualified for this job.

My parents raised me in a home in which beds were the norm. I have slept on many different mattresses, and feel that I can distinguish not only good ones from bad ones, but which ones may be good for children or the elderly, due to issues of size and accessibility. I can also evaluate frames as to their stability, durability and dimensions. I have experience with cots, futons and the most luxurious of mattresses, including memory-foam mattresses, and can tell almost immediately whether a bed is comfortable or not.

In my past experience evaluating mattresses, I have often even worked double-shifts so that my assessments are thorough and detailed. My dedication to sleep and the accoutrements that accompany it has been commented on many times by parents, friends and housemates. Please consider me most seriously for this position.

My alarm was set for 9am, because I am NOT a morning person and that’s about as early as I feel like facing the day. But I woke up at 7:45. I rolled over and tried to get back to sleep, but this voice in my head said “Get up! Time to get up! We’re going SWIMMING!”

*Uh, no. I want to sleep for another hour and fifteen minutes. Go away.*

“GET UP! Time to face the day! Let’s go to the gym!”

*Go away, please, just another hour…*

“GET OUT OF BED NOW AND GO TO THE GYM”

And this is how I ended up in the pool at 8:32 in the morning. Apparently there’s a perky person living in my head, and she is very persistent. Bitch.

So I swam for a half hour, showered, and got to work a bit earlier than I usually do.

Ugh. And I’m gonna do it again tomorrow.

I’m trying to get out of all the stupid ruts I’ve let myself sink into. Swimming should help. I have a dentist appointment later where I’m sure they’re gonna tell me I need loads of work done and toss out some improbable number for what it’s all going to cost. Whatever. It’s time to get my teeth fixed.

If I keep up this whole “exercise” thing I might have to start eating breakfast. Ugh. I hate breakfast. Who the hell can eat before noon? Still, I bought a cup-o-noodle from the vending machine at work today because I was gonna fall the hell over if I didn’t get some calories in me. The weirdest thing about all of it is that I kinda want to go for a brisk walk later or something. It feels good to move! I want to get my blood pumping! Let’s get those endorphins flowing.

Who the hell is living in my head and why does she want to GET PHYSICAL? What have I become?