Oh, the hilarity

So I'm tasked to rebuild a website and to make it fast(er). The code is hilarious, I shall try to keep track of all the WTFs I find.

Because agreeing on a script include protocol is too mainstream
This is actually from one project. I've changed the links to bogus links, but one of them is Google Analytics...

Because rendering date with PHP while using WordPress is too mainstream
I'm not even going to comment on this. Like... echo date('Y');

Because using built in WordPress functions is too mainstream
BONUS: Also, there's the micro clearfix hack for people who go with the times. But instead of that include, one could just use get_template_part('right', 'col');...

Because even if the permissions are correct, your plugins still don't update
It's most likely because of this. Obviously the directory did not exist. Although what your use case is to redefine this (apart from "for teh lulz"), I have no idea.

Because fragmenting PHP is fun
Seriously, why do this: ?><?php a TON of times in your code?

This is the end of the first installment of some code raging. Um... yup. Comments below, get in touch and all the usual stuff that goes on at the end of an article.