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August 20, 2009

DVD Review: Grace (2009)

"If you have an irrational, paralyzing fear of babies (and who doesn't), this morbid effing movie will eff you up but good!"

A creepy vegan chick and her yuppie hubby are trying to get preggers. Sounds simple enough, right? Sure. Drink some soy milk, elevate your uterus after sex, watch nothing but PETA/Vegan Freak animal torture propaganda videos over, and over, and over again... it's what every normal couple does when they want to have a baby... in Bizarro World!

This is why I'm not married.

Every couple that gets pregnant also seeks out Hippie Midwives rather than trust Hospitals to assist with their deliveries, because Hospitals kill people. I'd much rather trust the care of my pregnant wife and newborn infant to a Bohemian vegan chick that used to sleep with my wife back in college. Makes perfect sense to me.

Yes, I'm calling you a lesbian.

When a car crash kills the hubby, and the baby dies in utero, vegan Mom decides to carry it to term despite knowing that it will be stillborn. When the baby defies all scientific possibility and returns to life shortly after being born dead, vegan Mom names it Grace and moves to Insane-o Land where feeding it blood and watching it zombify before her eyes seems perfectly normal to her.

Perfectly normal.

I won't spoil what comes next for you here, but suffice it to say that the flies gather, the baby begins to smell funky, and creepy vegan Mom will do anything she can to make her little Zombie Baby happy.

Not too hot now, or you'll burn her little fangs.

I'm really mixed on how I should feel about this movie. On one hand, I thought it was gorgeous, disturbing and even a bit brilliant. On the other, the second half lost the oomph of the first, and I was in awe of the lack of sense that the mother displayed with everything that was going on around her. I know going through everything that she did left her a bit "insane," but even a total nut-job would have to say "enough is enough" at some point, wouldn't they?

Despite that minor gripe though, the movie truly is well put together and atmospheric as hell. To say that the first half of this movie is tough to watch is an understatement; the birthing scene alone was beyond morbid. If ever a movie made us question just how far someone would go to have and raise a baby, despite the ramifications that it involves, this is it. Jordan Ladd is the star here, and she delivers the goods. And what a gorgeous little baby they got to play little Grace, absolutely precious... too bad she scared the piss out of me. Yeah, I may be afraid of babies now. Thank you, adorable/creepy little baby!

Carrying a dead baby around in your tummy would make you go insane too, or at the very least, you'd be very tired.

One word... Vegans. I'm pretty sure that this movie was a big "Fuck You!" to the vegan community, as well as people who are into holistic shit and think that hospitals and gluten are evil. I support meat, cheese, and milk that comes from a cows tit, so obviously I support this bold stance against the oppressive nature of the tree-hugging agenda. We were given teeth for a reason, and it's not to chew tofu, or to rip into a salad; no, teeth are for rending meat from bone! "But, but, the poor animals... blah, blah, blah..." Seriously people, how do you know that lettuce doesn't feel pain? Maybe cucumbers have feelings, ever think of that? Maybe grain is a highly cognitive life-form that just can't communicate because it has no sensory organs. If talking to your plants gets a response, then so does chewing them up and digesting them. Hippie-crits! (See what I did there?)

Ladies, never go camping without tampons.

Geriatric breastfeeding fetish sex. I will say no more on the matter.

Indeed, this movie is blood-filled and nasty; stillbirth, nipple violence, blood drinking, bloody crotches, zombie baby violence, murder... Some of it is subtle, but there is enough gore here to make you think twice before having a baby!

This baby wants to eat your face.

Yeah, we get Jordan Ladd nakie throughout this one, but it's not in the hot way. Also, we get to see Grandma massage her old boobs and make Grandpappy nurse from them... and that's just downright horrific.

"She's teething."

This movie served to solidify my belief that vegans are creepy people. Also, never trust a baby.

Babies aren't supposed to make your feet bleed!

Profoundly disturbing, unsettling, and overtly-vegan, Grace is a movie that will make you want a shower after watching it. This is the kind of movie that American Horror needs in Theaters, so go catch it in limited release if you can, or at least grab it on DVD in September. A-

ya this movie is one of the hardest movies i've ever seen to watchthe whole thing makes you feel uneasy and just plain grosswhile this movie was very well made it was so hard to watch it almost wasn't worth itbut i guess it was amazing for what it was made for

I didn't think it was difficult to watch. Hm. Perhaps I was molested by a dairy cow... Grace made me smile a few times and laugh at the end, which, in essence, makes it worth watching for people who don't suffer from post traumatic stress syndrom brought on by wicked hoof of a sick bovine.