Jokes

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a badattitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced withprofanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently sayingonly polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelledback. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in thefreezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to thefreezer.. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms andsaid "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fullyintend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change inhis behaviour, the bird spoke-up, very softly,

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golfballs and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very longtime, deeply thinking about what he had said.After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity anylonger, she asked,

First hole the man hooks the ball off the tee and swears long and loud. Vicar tuts to himself but keeps quiet.

Second hole the man slices into the rough and swears even more. Vicar tuts out loud but still says nothing.

Third hole the ball goes straight but ends up in the deepest bunker on the course. The air turns blue and the vicar has had enough. He says to the man that if there is any more profanity the Lord will strike him down. The man apologises and all is OK for a few more hole.

Then..... Nice easy putt and the guy misses. Every swear word known to man comed from his mouth, the sky goes black and and there is an enormous clap of thunder and a bolt of lightning hits. There on the ground are the frazzled remains of the vicar.

Reminds me of the Queen fan who wanted Bohemian rhapsody played at his funeral. They played it at the end as the mourners were filing out of the chapel. The chap who'd provided the CD was a bit too slow going back in to retrieve it, and it had gone on to the next track. The mourners who'd started to come in for the next funeral weren't impressed to hear "Another one bites the dust."

So Mary and John have spent the last six months persuading Mary's old dad to go into a nursing home .

Her dad finally agrees and when he sees the place he is quite impressed , especially with his room which has a nice balcony overlooking a very beautiful garden. He is settling in nicely but decides he would like to have his mid day meal on the balcony . So he is enjoying his meal and he leans to his right and the nurse straightens him up.....a few moments later he leans to his left and the nurse straightens him up ......a few moments later he leans forward and once again the nurse straightens him up .....this goes on a few days and then Mary and John visit him.

So Mary asks "how are you settling in dad , do you like it?"

He replies "it's very nice dear , the place is great the room is wonderful but........"

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