Loose Change: Whoâ€™s the new guy in Edmonton?

Charlie Teljeur
2008-02-07 16:00:48

Well, assuming he gets NHL approval and passes the league’s mandatory audition (reportedly he’s doing a hip-hop/banjo fusion sort of thing), Mr. Daryl Katz is slated to be the next owner of the Edmonton Oilers.

This means the team will go from having 70-odd directors to just one whose name holds any power. (Oh - by the way - BIG yard sale on office furniture this weekend at Rexall Place).

That also means quicker critical decisions, smoother cash flow and the end to those oversized novelty cheques.

But who exactly is Daryl Katz?

First off, the name is actually pronounced KATES as in, Katz Hates Cats (which, interestingly, he does, which of course explains those T-shirts PETA’s trying to ban).

While we’re at it, the Daryl part is properly pronounced ROD-NEY (but you probably already knew that).

Of course these simple facts are only pertinent if you were to ever actually meet the man in person or want to irritate your friends with even more of your annoying little anecdotes.

Mr. Katz was born, raised and eventually, culled in the city of Edmonton, Alta. This is a fact he’s made abundantly clear during his 32 attempts to purchase the team. I suppose this was his way of proving his utter devotion to keeping the team in town, or perhaps he just likes telling people things, like, when to expect garbage collection.

Either way it’s endearing that an energetic local boy has found a way to become filthy rich without having petroleum-stained, filthy fingers.

In actual fact, Daryl Katz’s billion-dollar fortune is attributable to having sold countless pills, salves and paper clips to people across Canada under his Rexall (or is it Wrecks All?) Drugs name. Basically if it bleeds, wobbles, shimmies or flops, Mr. Katz has something to help stop or start it.

It is estimated his fortune is somewhere in the $2.4 billion range, which is kind of like telling an ant you’re 6-foot-4, not 6-foot-3. This heady position puts him 486th on the richest persons in the world list, which is helpful since, if they ever decide they need to lineup for something, he’ll know exactly where to stand.
On a more personal note, Mr. Katz was born in 1962, is married, has two children, is a Scorpio and instantly has the most enigmatic hair of any owner in the National Hockey League (and, as you can guess, Jeremy Jacobs is pissed).
Interestingly, there’s a lot of mystery surrounding the Daryl Katz mystique. He appears to be a man who likes to keep his private life, private. Why a man, who has a vast fortune accessible to anyone with high ambition and low morals, would want to keep things secretive is beyond me. Perhaps someone’s fathered an alien baby and wants to keep a tight lid on it.

Realistically though, all this background information matters very little to dedicated Oiler fans. All they really need to know from him is: (a) is he committed to keeping the team in Edmonton? (b) is he committed to building a successful team? And, (c) what time is garbage pickup?

Time will tell on all counts, although I’m guessing somewhere around 10 p.m.
The preceding was purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laughed while reading it, framing it, or burning it. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?

Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Thursday only on thehockeynews.com. Subscribe to The Hockey News today to have Charlie's cartoon delivered to you in each issue.