Friday, February 19, 2010

Too Round At the Edges

Its been an emotional couple of days. My father called me last night to tell me that he had had a heart attack earlier this week. He had 2 stints put in. I was informed that he told my step mother that she was not allowed to call me until he could talk to me. He did not want me to worry. That kind of irritates me because what something would of happened during surgery?My father is the one reason why I did not want to move from Oregon to Wisconsin. It has been very hard today. I feel like a horrible daughter not being there. I know that is not how I should feel but I do.Back to the book YCHY (You Can Heal Yourself):Page 29 there is an exercise called I Should, she instructs you to list out all the things you should do and then why. 5 or 6 things to finish that sentance:I should be skinnyI should be happierI should have my mastersI should have a better paying jobI should have a manSo now the Whys:I should be skinnier because I am not happy with who I am and because society makes me feel that way.I should be happier because I do not love myself right now and I know that is just robbing me of my lifeI should have my masters because that was my life planI should have a better paying job because I need it to survive and because I worked hard on my educationI should have a man hmm because I am tired of being lonely I am tired of trying to make everyone else better but myselfSo now she instructs to put these into If I really wanted toIf I really wanted to I could loose the weightIf I really wanted to I could be happierIf I really wanted to I could have my mastersIf I really wanted to I could have a better paying jobIf I really wanted to I could have a manShe then wants to know why we have not done these and my answer is simple for all of them because I am scared I am not good enough and that I am going to fail at all that I am going to do.

There was another exercise on page 35 you are supposed to stand in front of the mirror and say this : Jamie, I love and accept you exactly as you are."I think this is wear the fake it til you make it comes in. I do not love me or accept me as I am and its hard to look at myself and tell myself that. I think that if I did this on a daily basis I might start faking it til I make it.

Finally, for this blog my last statement is that she states on page 36 and 37 that the problem is rarely ever the real problem. So for instance my problem with me is I am fat. She thinks that being heavy is a protector and is not the true problem. I have to agree I know that me being fat now is not the problem. The problem is I am scared to let people get close to me. Most men won't approach a fat girl. I have witnessed to many screwed up relationships and have been hurt to many times. Also, being fat is who I am! I have been fat my entire life so when I get down to my low weight I start freaking out. Strange guys start to take notice and I freak out and start eating all over again. It is my shield from being hurt but its a very bad shield.