"You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them" Maya Angelou

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What happened in London- part 2

In the first few days, I didn’t even let the dad in the house. He collected my son from the doorstep in the evenings and would take him out for a few hours. We hardly spoke to each other during those interactions. I noticed a change in my son’s mood. He was excited to spend time with his dad but around bedtime would get emotional and angry with me. He asked me why I was not married to his daddy anymore and that his daddy had told him there was enough space for me and him at his place.

The first weekend we were there, the dad had planned to take him to various events and my son was going to spend five nights at his place. I was looking forward to the time alone to just relax. The second night my son was away I got a teary phonecall from him in the middle of the night. My six year old was crying saying that he missed me and wanted to come home to me. I panicked because I always imagined that he was safe with his dad and would be fine for the five nights.

The dad took the phone away from my son and said that he would explain what happened in a text message because he didn’t want his landlady to hear. All was revealed in the message later. My son has the habit of going to pee many times especially at night. He doesn’t want to wet the bed and keeps saying that he needs to go. The dad became impatient with taking him to the toilet so many times and asked him to pee in a bottle (Yes he did). My son of course was horrified and started crying.

When I got the message I told the dad that he needs to be more patient and has to just deal with it by taking him everytime he needs to go and also that I wasn’t surprised that he was upset at being asked to pee in a bottle. The dad then came back with an onslaught of abuse and told me that I dump him with the housemaid anyway and that I shout at my son and blah blah blah. At that point I just wanted to know if my son was settled and asleep but when I called it kept cutting off.

Later, I learned from my son that the dad told him that I cut the phone because I didn’t want to speak to ‘them”. I was very angry and hurt. I never badmouth the dad ti my son and had brought him all the way to see his dad for this.

I spoke to the dad about how unacceptable this was and also explained that he was just shooting himself in the foot. Indeed, without me saying a word my very perceptive son asked me,

“Why did daddy lie to me?”

“Why did daddy make me angry with you?”

After that incident my son was less keen to spend nights with his dad and preferred to do stuff with him during the day. He was nervous about going to pee and I had to reassure him that it was fine, I would take him whenever he needed to go. For the next two weeks I ended up spending more time with the dad because he would meet up with us after work in Central London to spend time with my son and my son wanted me to be there too. On one occasion he said

“you and daddy can marry again mummy because you are not fighting anymore.” Bless his little heart, I hate that he has to suffer in the middle of all this mess.

The dad was better behaved after that although he would suggest inappropriate things like booking a hotel together or sleeping over at our place or holding and hugging. Very strange given the fact that he said he was happier without me and didn’t want a future with me.

I was kind but firm. But that niggling voice that I mentioned in part 1 is still there questioning the actual success of the trip. Was I too lenient and why did I get roped into so many ‘family events’. Yes, I wanted to make my son happy to have the three of us together but maybe he needs to deal with the realities of the divorce without me cushioning him all the time.

The dad is all over the place with his moods. Sometimes cold and distant and other times warm and inappropriate and sometimes normal. It unsettled me like it did when we were married. I am grateful that now I only get small doses of it and can leave!

I love London, my heart is there. I want to live there and work there for ME but it worries me that he is there. Will he get better when we are staying there and we have a set timetable for when he sees his son? My son loves his dad and the dad made an effort to do many things with him. I know I am not moving for the dad. It’s for me and my son. Will I just get stronger with practise and then his moods wont affect me as much?

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2 thoughts on “What happened in London- part 2”

I think it’s despicable to bring a child into adult relationships or problems. I hope the dad grows up for his sons sake (and yours)
I think you handled it admirably. I would probably have catered to my child’s needs and wishes for togetherness on some outings as long as the dad kept the boundaries you outlined. And maybe eventually he will.
I am not sure you needed to be more firm. You are you, kind, gentle and compassionate. Will he continually try to take advantage of that? Probably. Most anybody does if they can away with it. It’s hard saying no, but doable, and easier as one keeps doing it. (I’m learning too)

Thank you Patricia. You are right on all counts. It means a lot to me to hear you say that. I have been berating myself unkindly but I can’t be someone I am not. I have learnt that the abuse gave me a very high tolerance for bad behaviour. I agree that I have to keep working at it; at saying no and not doing anything I am uncomfortable with. I am learning to do what I should have learnt so long ago so it feels unfamiliar but I will get there and so will you. Thank you my friend for reading and commenting.