5 BS Product Gwyneth Paltrow And Alex Jones Both Shill

I believe you can tell a lot about a celebrity by the products they shill. Michael Jordan was some sort of athletics guy, so he wanted you to buy hyper-expensive Nike shoes. Jamie Lee Curtis assumes you have trouble shitting, so she invented yogurt. And if Larry the Cable Guy doesn’t feed straight Prilosec, he turns into a Xenomorph. The two celebrity endorsers I find the most interesting are Alex Jones and Gwyneth Paltrow. Though they’re about as different as you can possibly get on the surface, both have put together lucrative side industries … in a lot of instances, selling the exact same things. Jones sells( and claims to take) so many supplements that I have a theory he’s actually a beanbag chair stuffed with pills, while Paltrow is more generally into anything that voices dumb. But strangely, they do share some common ground. For instance …

5

They Both Want Your Kids To SHUT UP FOR FIVE GODDAMN MINUTES

Infowars Sells:

Alex Jones blames “modern mind control” — which is everything from music to sugar to unspecified globalist concoctions — on children being unable to focus and pacify the hell down. Fortunately, he’s here to force-feed your children catnip and lemon balm in hopes of allowing you precious fucking minutes of peace to scrapbook all of the wonderful days you’ve had with your them.

In the commercial for Child Ease, Alex Jones credits himself with developing it, while also stating, “Young humans have not yet developed their nervous system.” Which induces me question his credentials as an discoverer of things that go inside a child’s body. He knows we’re born with nervous systems, right? Also, saying “young humans” makes him sound like an foreigner. If you took the Child Ease commercial and had Dr. Zoidberg from Futurama narrate it, it would attain infinitely more sense.

Goop Sells:

Chill Child is a “calming mist” which somehow utilizes sonically tuned gem elixirs and Reiki-charged crystals to “get your kiddos to chill.” It may seem exactly like what you would use to spray water on a cat to get it off your kitchen counter, but you’re not supposed to spraying it immediately on a child. And for the love of deity do not let them inhale it, that would be crazy . It goes on their aura. I can only assume that once the child’s aura is sufficiently coated in this fog, it succumbs, leaving your child an auraless husk and you free to do Pilates.

I’m pretty sure “sonically tuned gem elixirs” is code for some stones Gwyneth Paltrow sing to. However, digging a little deeper, I found that it’s style dumber than that. Both “moonlight” and “love” are legitimately listed as ingredients. I can’t assist but suppose all this spray will do is build calling sticky children slightly chamomile-scented, which I guess is technically an improvement. At least you’ll be able to reek them coming, so you have time to hide.

4

They Both Want You To Enjoy Big, Meaty Boners

Super Male Vitality utilizes something called extraction technology, along with various herbs and extracts, to give you a super good boner. Just ask Boner King Alex Jones, or this commercial, which features Alex Jones calling a man doing a push-up “unprecedented.”( Something that I assume is 100 percent true for Alex Jones .)

You ensure, according to Alex Jones, who is to boners what Jesus was to Lazarus, someone is putting “estrogen mimickers” in the food and water supply, which are werewolfing humen into the worst possible thing he can imagine: girls. Only Alex Jones can save you from this terrible fate. So if you’re afraid your dick will shrivel up and fall off, thus depriving you of the one thing keeping you sane in this mad, effeminate world, turn to Alex Jones for not just sorcery boner-giving liquid, but also sorcery boner- maintaining liquid. It’s $ 50, and I hope you choke on it.

Sex Dust sounds like an STD that’s going around a nursing home. Who could guess “Sex Dust” is a good name for- oh, waiting, she named her business “Goop.” She named one of her children “Apple.” I’m pretty sure Gwyneth doesn’t even register “sex” or “dust” as real words.

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Goop wants you to set Sex Dust inside your body. Specifically, you can add it to any hot or cold liquid and drink it, but it’s especially good with nut milk. Oh god, this writes itself. Goop describes Sex Dust as a “lusty edible formula alchemized to ignite and excite sexy energy in and out of the bedroom.” Unlike Super Male Vitality, Sex Dust doesn’t promise to protect you from the terrors of femininity in your homosexual water, but it does have something called “horny goat weed” in it, which seems like a promising herb for delivering horniness. This is especially true if you happen to be buying this as a goat.

3

They Both Want You To Be Protected From Invisible Ogres

Infowars Sells:

Living Defense claims to offer protection against “invading organisms.” I swear to god I tried to figure out what that means. I went deep into the Infowars world, which is just a bunch of bunkers full of white humen with giant boners, all crying. Please, Alex Jones, Pied Piper of erectile dysfunction, tell me what the fuck is this product is for.

What I can tell you for sure is that nine out of ten people are infested with harmful organisms. Harmful organisms can spread during sexual activity. And pets are basically cities for them. So if you enjoy a thing, it’s likely filled with harmful organisms. No one knows what they are, but Alex Jones damn sure knows that they’re bad. Actually , now that I think about it, it’s probably just a metaphor for his stance on immigration.

Goop Sells:

Man, when you get into a crazy-off with Infowars and win , that’s really saying something. Something sad. I was certain the most insane product award would go to Mr. Jones. Sadly, Ms. Paltrow, in a last-minute burst of folly, released psychic vampire repellent. And no, that’s not a rephrase, gag, or sarcasm. That’s literally what it’s called.

The spread wasn’t in her favor, but she took home the W with a 3.4 oz bottle of pure Reiki-charged insanity. This bottle of sadness water claims to “banish bad vibes( and shield you from the people who may be causing them ). ” I generally use pepper spray for that, but I’m sure if you got this right into someone’s eyeball, it might protect you from them. Once again, you’re not supposed to spray this directly on someone else, because also once again, that would be crazy. It goes on your aura. Again.

2

They Want You To Have A Squeaky-Clean Rectum

Oxy-Powder is an oxygen-based intestinal soap, which means that if you take it, you’re about to get real acquainted with your porcelain cousin. Which is the nice style of saying “You’re going to shit out your actual soul.” Infowars truly spells this out for you in the important information segment at the lower end of the page, stating: “Oxy-Powder will cause watery, gaseous stools. This is not clinical diarrhea; it’s the byproduct of oxidation.” So don’t worry, it’s simply oxygen emptying out your colon like Godzilla on a water slide.

Wait, how the hell does oxygen clean out your colon? According to the chiropractor who shills these super not-FD-Aapproved pills, it’s “using time-released oxygen through oxidation reduction.” And one thing I heavily agree with is that those are all words that exist in the English language.

I’m now a veteran of the bullshit supplement wars, and like the oracle of Delphi, I can accurately interpret the glittery promises lovingly sprinkled around this product. The ten-day detox supplement kit promises to treat, cleanse, and repair the intestine, increase energy, improve mood and sleep, reduce stress, restore glow and vitality to skin and hair, and more. If it makes me glow, I hope it’s in the dark so I can scare all my friends.

What it for sure will do is stimulate you poop your whole butt off. This knowledge came to me as I was reading the warning in the description: “It’s best to start over a weekend so you can get plenty of rest.” The subtext there is that you will need to rest between all of the pooping you will be doing. It will be so much pooping that you will need to rent an extra bed for all the resting you will need to do between all of the pooping you will definitely be doing. I don’t know why we equate pooping a lot with having a healthy body, but apparently everyone does. In Goop’s case, people are willing to pay $169 to attain what one fried chicken quesadilla from Taco Bell could do for $5.

1

They Want You To Use Vegan Deodorant

Infowars Sells:

If you didn’t know what Infowars was and stumbled into their store by some unfortunate internet accident, you might think it was a website for a health food store in Portland. Who would have guessed cruelty-free vegan deodorant would be so important to a human who caused the parents of murdered children to be harassed?

It’s also free of gluten, soy, and dairy, just in case you want to eat it, I guess? I would fully expect to hear from Goop that you can use “the earth’s mineral crystal combined with natural botanicals” as deodorant. But nope, that’s from Alex Jones. And I think it’s extremely important that you understand that I’m not attaining up the “mineral crystal” thing, so here’s the page, where you can see it for yourself.

It’s vegan deodorant for everyone who dislikes Muslims but loves animals. You can also get a variety of organic shampoos and soaps from the Infowars shop, so you can get the government out of your gun cabinet and your beauty routine!

Goop Sells:

I know Goop isn’t a surprising place to discovery vegan deodorant. This is exactly the various kinds of product I would expect Gwyneth Paltrow to shill. Goop runs on the premise that the world is a dirty place full of poors, and you can clean their terrible scent away with an $18 bar of charcoal soap inspired by shamans.

This was the product that really hammered home for me the style both Goop and Infowars tango around FDA regulations. They sell things they claim are organic and natural and therefore safer and better than stuff like real medication prescribed by real doctors … or just convince people to take 30 pills a day that aren’t sanctioned by government oversight. After writing this article, I’ve decided to never eat anything organic for the rest of my life. It’s all bullshit. I’m putting nothing but Cheetos, Baja Blast Mountain Dew, and pure plastic in my body, and I’m going to live to be 100.