How many does it take before you find your Prince?

Worst. Sex. Ever! (Part III: The Cum Shot)

Are we ready for the epic and ultimately extremely unsatisfying finale? (For me that is.)

After I attempted to pierce his nipple with my teeth, Shopping27 decided it was time to switch it up again.

Good lord, what other horrors did he want to inflict on my poor bearded clam?

After some subtle questioning along the lines of “Ok fine, we can do doggy again, but are you close?” we got ourselves into position and I attempted not to clench as he pounded into me.

The guy was truly the most terrible jackrabbit I have ever slept with. I think the only words he understood were, “harder! Faster!” neither of which I uttered at any time during our… tryst. If he went any harder or faster there would have been steam rising from my flaps! As it was the old beef curtains were having a hard time maintaining their hold on the rest of my body, as Shopping27’s goal seemed to be to rip me apart.

Ooh the chafey chafey pain.

So as he banged away behind me I tried to distract myself in any way possible. I mentally prepared breakfast and lunch for the next day, wrote a quick shopping list, decided on a friend’s birthday present that I’d been mulling over for ever and finally assured myself that yes, Yemin and Saudi Arabia really did share a border. And after all that he was still going!

So much for being close! If he wasn’t done soon I was shoving a finger up his ass and hoping for the best.

Suddenly all thoughts of finger fucking flew out of my head as I heard a knocking. Not a literal knocking, I lived alone and it was 2am after all; no this was a much more internal knocking. A knocking at the back door.

Geez I had to fart!

I tried to squeeze my butt cheeks shut like I always did in times of flatulence, but you find me a girl who can squeeze her cheeks that tight whilst being body slammed into the pillows and I’ll give her a million dollars.

It’s impossible!

It was going to happen, the only question was what would happen first. Would I fluff in his face and throw off his cum concentration? Or would he finally come and I would be able to fart in peace under the covers like a lady?

Turns out it was more of a synchronised event.

Just when I couldn’t clench anymore, when I had given up all hope of keeping this badboy indoors, I heard a guttural, snort-like cry from behind me as Shopping27 finally came!

I sent up a silent prayer to the sex gods and gracefully let my fluff fly free, safe in the knowledge that guys rarely notice anything in the thirty or so seconds after they come.

Huzzah!

I jumped up and walked to the bathroom, eager for my after-sex-slash, and I could of sworn I heard a slight sizzle as I peed.

Ugh, the dude had ruined me!

I finished up and waddled back to the bedroom, feeling like John Wayne’s estranged, slightly more feminine cousin. After gingerly climbing back into bed, I glanced over to survey the situation beside me.

The motherfucker was on Plenty of Fish!

“Excuse me,” I whispered politely “but just what the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

He glanced up from CumonmyDD’s profile just long enough to say “What? We’re not dating or anything, right?”

Oh boy, if looks could kill at that moment he and everyone in a five-mile radius would have dropped instantly.

I tried to keep my voice level as I uttered “No, no we’re not. However, you were inside me less than sixty seconds ago, so I think that deserves some level of respect.”

He looked at me blankly for a moment before I saw a flash of recognition in his eyes.

“Oh, sorry.” He said, and positioned the phone in-between us so we could both see the screen.

“That’s not what I meant!” I cried, furious that this idiot was in my bed messing up my sheets.

Speaking of messy, “Where did you put the condom?” I asked, eager not to be surprised in the morning with some soggy condom on my bedside table next to my copy of Twilight.

“Oh yeah, forgot about that.”

Shopping27 flipped up the covers to reveal he was still in fact wearing said condom. I watched with disdain as he peeled it off and asked where my bin was. Then, to my horror he simply flung the condom at the bin… and missed.

Who the fuck does that shit? He hadn’t even tied the end off!

This guy was wrong on so many levels it wasn’t funny.

“Pick that up.” I ground out between my teeth.

“Nah,” he smirked “Not my house.”

I’m not usually prone to physical violence Lovers, but oh how a swift kick in the balls would have soothed me at that moment!

As I was contemplating all the delicious ways I could hurt him I felt something I did not expect.

A wandering hand heading towards my thoroughly shredded honey pot.

Oh no he did not!

The boy was actually angling for round two!

I slapped his hand away and told him in no uncertain terms that there would be no more torture tonight.

He looked at me distraught.

“Why do you think I kept the condom on?” he cried.

I gave him a withering look that finally breached the impenetrable barrier of idiocy he had erected around his potato shaped head.

“Ok fine, I guess not…” he mumbled as he pulled the covers up and adjusted his pillow.

I sighed and lay back, desperately trying to think of a reason to get him out of my house. Going to sleep next to him was bad enough; waking up anywhere near him was going to be a nightmare.

But as usual, my mind went blank, and before I could summon up some fantastical reason why he simply must leave immediately, I heard snoring coming from the lump next to me.

God, he snored like a llama with sinus infection; long, loud and snotty.

I rolled over and attempted to block out the cacophony next to me, hoping that tomorrow I would wake up to an empty bed and smooth un-chafed loins.

Hope never got anyone anywhere, did it?

As suspected, I woke up the next day, a throbbing in my special place and a tosspot next to me.

Still snoring.

I punched him in the shoulder as hard as I could to release a little anger and he sat bolt upright with a cry of pain.

“What was that for?” he asked

“I had a nightmare.” I cooed innocently, batting my eyelids at him and smiling sweetly.

Hehe suffer in your jocks douchebag.

Now it was time for him to leave.

Like now.

He wasn’t leaving.

For fucks sake, how much punishment could one punani take? Once again he was trailing his hand down my thigh to get to the now thoroughly soiled goods.

Luckily this time I had a story all worked out.

“I’m allergic to morning sex.” I blurted out.

I said it was a story Lovers, not a good story.

Shopping27 looked at me perplexed for a moment. I just shrugged and said “Yeah, always have been. Sorry. Can’t do it.”

If ever a man was close to tears it would be Shopping27 at that moment. Amazing how men turn into giant babies the moment you take sex away from them. I thought he would get up and leave. I thought he would storm off in a huff, taking his wounded pride and unused pork sword with him.

I thought wrong.

“Can you at least suck on it?” he asked, motioning towards my head towards his yogurt-slinger.

I jerked my head back and with a maniacal laugh cried “Not in a thousand years!”

“Please suck on it?”

I shook my head emphatically. What a desperate loser he was turning into.

You’d really think he’d take the hint now wouldn’t you? No, he just sat there, looking most displeased as I silently begged him to leave.

“Why can’t you have morning sex?” he moaned.

I was so past caring by that point that I fed him some bullcrap story about how every night my hymen closed over and it took a hot shower and a handful of aloe vera lotion to coax it open again.

The fact that he believed me solidified the fact that he was indeed, the stupidest person I had ever met.

Shopping27 sat for a moment, clearly mystified by this strange woman who wasn’t leaping on him for sex as soon as the sun rose. Then, all of a sudden he yelled out, “God, just put some lube on your pussy and sit on my cock!”

Wow. What an invitation.

That was the final straw. I got out of bed and started shrugging clothes on as fast as possible.

“What are you doing?” he asked

“Oh you know, people to do, places to see.” I answered nonchalantly. I looked at my watch in an exaggerated motion and tutted “Ooh looks like I’m late, you’d better go.”

“You’re seriously not going to have sex with me?”

I smiled sweetly at him and said “Seriously.”

It was difficult not to literally push him out the door, but after five more minutes of awkward dressing, Shopping27 was out of my house and out of my life!

Thank the Lord!

I texted my mate Will quickly to let him know I had just had the worst sex of my life and if he wanted more explicit details he should call me.

But no, instead he messaged: Wow umm ok, I guess you can delete my profile. Thanks for that.

All my womanly self-righteous anger rose to the surface at that moment as I gripped my phone in an attempt to crush it. He was giving me the brush off? Me? He was the one who was awful at everything! It should have been me who was telling him to delete my profile. However I quickly realised that this meant I never had to see him again and that made me very happy indeed. I ground out a quick “No problem” message with a smiley face in hopes that it might piss him off a little and got on with my day.

A few hours later I got a call from Will and I picked up eager to divulge all the sordid details of my night. But Will wasn’t calling to hear about my sexcapades, in fact he didn’t know anything about it.

“But what about the message I sent you?” I asked, confused.

“What message?”

“The message I sent…” my voice trailed off as I realised what I had done.

Oh shit, I’d sent it to Shopping27!

No wonder he wanted me to delete him! I clapped my hand over my mouth in horror at the intense burn I had accidentally inflicted.

And then the laughter set in.

Karma really does come around doesn’t it?

So there you go Lovers, just goes to show why you should always be nice in bed. Unless they want you to be naughty of course. Just think of my story the next time you head out for some innocent no strings attached sex!

Claire xx

Pickup line of the week: That suit is very becoming on you; then again, I would be too!