Stop Rolling Your Eyes at Me!

A simple way to get through to your kids: empathy.

My son is having trouble with his schoolwork. He says he is dumb, I tell him he is not, and he just gets more upset. My child complains because all his friends have iPods, X-Boxs and flat screen TV’s, but he doesn’t. Anything I say to him makes him roll his eyes and stomp away. For my daughter, everything is a major tragedy: her hair, her friends, her grades. How do I teach her to understand what is important in life?

Rav Yisrael Salanter, a great Rabbi from the 19th century, explained that a child whose toy boat breaks feels the same way a merchant does when his ship is sunk at sea with all his worldly goods. Children and teens feel very strongly about their problems in their world. It seems so inconsequential (it’s just a toy boat, it’s just one grade, it’s just a bad hair day) but it’s all-consuming to them. They don’t have the ability to work past their (seemingly) small difficulties; they cannot see the forest beyond the trees.

That’s where we come in; we can help them see the big picture.

How?

We need to fully enter our children’s world and for a moment, see things the way they do. We need to use empathy. Only when we use empathy do we help our children move past their problems and come up with their own solutions.

We may not realize it, but as parents we often deny our children’s feelings instead of listening and reflecting, two key ingredients in delivering empathy.

When a child says, “I’m hot,” a parent will often say, “It’s cold in here – keep that jacket on.” A child will say, “I hate my hair,” and her parent will say, with good intention, “Your hair is beautiful.” When a child is having difficulty with his schoolwork and says, “I stink at math,” a loving parent will say, “No you don’t; you’re very smart!” All of these statements are examples of how a parent unknowingly denies his or her child’s feelings.

Denial of feelings can be dismissive and tough: ”You don’t need an iPod, it’s too expensive.” But it can also be meant in a kind way, with the best of motives: “You have lots of friends and you learn so much, you wouldn’t even have time to use your iPod!” It can be an ill-timed lesson in morality: “IPods are for people who are self-involved, and having earphones in your ears can damage your hearing.”

But any way you slice it, it remains a denial of feelings and causes anger and frustration, and closes the channels of communication. The end result? Rolled eyes, terminated conversations, huffiness or shouting.

Think about the last time you had a rough day and told your friend about it, and she replied, “Oh it couldn’t have been so bad,” or, “You’re getting upset about nothing.” What you needed was empathy, not philosophy, advice or denial of your feelings.

Here are four excellent techniques that teach us how to deliver empathy. And you can use them in any relationship.

Listen with your full attention (you can’t fake it) and use eye contact. Respond at intervals with vocal signs of attentiveness, such as making little listening noises (“Really? Wow.”) Don’t interrupt them when they are speaking; let them get it all out.

Verbalize their fantasy wishes: “You wish you could have every toy in Toys ‘R Us!”; “You wish school was two days a week and the weekend was five days.”

Use empathetic words, such as “so sad” or “too bad” and ask, “What are you going to do?”

These skills teach you to listen. They give children words with which to describe their inner realities and the strong emotions that they are experiencing.

To a child who is having trouble with school work, we can give his feelings a name: “You sound frustrated. This work is really getting to you.” Give him his wishes in fantasy: “You wish this subject came easier to you.” Empathize and ask him what he will do: “This is hard. What would you like to do?” He may come up with a productive response: “Maybe I will ask Levi to help me, he knows his stuff.”

When you first start using these skills, it feels awkward. But one you get the hang of it, you’ll see the daily power struggles with your children melt away. You will be amazed at how children take responsibility for their own behavior and are able to achieve a mindset where they can solve their own problems.

About the Author

Adina Soclof is a Parent Educator, Professional Development Instructor and Speech Pathologist working with children in a school setting. She received her BA. in History from Queens College and her MS. in Communication Sciences from Hunter College. Adina is the founder of ParentingSimply.com. She delivers parenting classes as well as professional development workshops for Speech Pathologists, Teachers and other health professionals. You can find her text based CEU courses at PDResources.com and video courses at Homeceuconnection.com and SpeechPathologypd.com.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 8

(6)
Dvirah,
June 22, 2013 8:15 PM

Be Careful

I have always hated people saying to me "you feel such-and-such" even if it was meant to convey empathy. My immediate reaction as a child (and even now silently) is an indignant "Don't tell me how I feel!" Expressing my feelings is my business, not yours. I expect that I am not the only one to have such a reaction, I suggest caution in making such statements. I have always found it useful to say something like "that would make me angry/sad/confused/etc." My child then has the option of agreeing with the proposed emotion ("yeah, that's exactly how I feel") or disagreeing ("no, I really feel more ...."). Using this technique, one avoids dogamatic parental-control type statements in favor of exploratory statements which encourages ones child to reply more freely and openly.

Dorit,
July 4, 2013 5:43 PM

Great -

the article as well as your comment elaborating it.
Be blessed - each of you ;-)).
Shalom.

(5)
Scott,
June 16, 2013 7:52 AM

Be a parent not a doormat.

I read the answer and I gotta tell you the answer is what's wrong in the world. It's what's wrong with parenting. It's what's wrong with kids.

So you know what is important in life? Not being disrespectful to your parents. That's what's important. Empathize with your kids unhealthy need to have every toy in toye r us? Empathize with your kids ridiculous (but perfectly natural) aversion to sitting in a classroom all day? Are you kidding? Validate his disrespectful behavior to his mother (foot stomping and storming off)

Kids don't stomp off. They don't roll their eyes. When they do they either stomp right into a spanking (if that's your family-it is mine) or a grounding or time out or something bad. Here's what the touchy feely guy either isn't saying or isn't bright enough himself to get When you tolerate disrespectful behavior from your kids you hurt them. They need to respect you so they can respect themselves. You have to demand their respect...you do not earn it or gain it...you simply have to respect yourself and your role as a parent enough to demand it and enforce it. It's like a law of nature.

If they respected themselves and you and your family then these external inequalities wouldn't be so detrimental to their self esteem. They'd do better in school because you expect it and they (a) respect you and then (b) respect themselves too much to have their name on a paper with a c on it.

You kid still wants an ipod so bad....teach him some self respect and have him mow a few lawns and buy his own darn ipod. That's what I did when I wanted extras. And those experiences put me head and shoulders above my peers at college time and throughout life.

You can be a parent or a friend. If you want to be the person with all the goodies but none of the discipline...finish up right with your kids and then spoil the grand kids rotten. Let them be the bad guy...you already pulled your shift.

Dvorah,
February 26, 2014 7:34 AM

Raise them with respect and listen to them, and they'll return it

Actually, I've raised thank G-d, nine children after my husband and I decided to use this type of communication with them, though I found it more listening and respecting, rather than empathy (which can be problematic). They have not only returned respect and caring, but many times thanked us for this type of upbringing, which they are now beginning to use in their own homes.Absolutely, it must be combined with a healthy demand for respect: "I am you mother, not your friend, and you may not speak to me that way!" Definately it was necessary to enforce limits, and even spank (once or twice to some of the children). They need that side of parenting, too (but not only)!

(4)
Anonymous,
June 11, 2013 7:39 AM

difference between younger and older parents?

As someone who is soon to be a father, I just want to throw out a question, do you people find that parents who have kids in there early 20's more easily relate to the kids, since their childhood is a more recent memory?

(3)
Anonymous,
June 11, 2013 3:01 AM

Thank you so much for this article.I am a teenager however and when people use these techniques on me i get REALLY annoyed. If i am stressed out and someone says to me "you must be really stressed" all i am thinking is "thanks captain obvious" i didn't talk to you so you could state some facts i wanted some opinions and some advice

(2)
Dasha18,
June 10, 2013 10:43 AM

Give your kids cookies

Also, give your kids cookies: Five compliments throughout the day, one criticism, then five compliments...and have that boy tested and provided with academic support if needed.

My nephew is having his bar mitzvah and I am thinking of a gift. In the old days, the gift of choice was a fountain pen, then a Walkman, and today an iPod. But I want to get him something special. What do you suggest?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Since this event celebrates the young person becoming obligated in the commandments, the most appropriate gift is, naturally, one that gives a deeper understanding of the Jewish heritage and enables one to better perform the mitzvot! (An iPod, s/he can get anytime.)

With that in mind, my favorite gift idea is a tzedakah (charity) box. Every Jew should have a tzedakah box in his home, so he can drop in change on a regular basis. The money can then be given to support a Jewish school or institution -- in your home town or in Israel (every Jews’ “home town”). There are beautiful tzedakah boxes made of wood and silver, and you can see a selection here.

For boys, a really beautiful gift is a pair of tefillin, the black leather boxes which contain parchments of Torah verses, worn on the bicep and the head. Owning a pair of Tefillin (and wearing them!) is an important part of Jewish identity. But since they are expensive (about $400), not every Bar Mitzvah boy has a pair. To make sure you get kosher Tefillin, see here.

In 1944, the Nazis perpetrated the Children's Action in the Kovno Ghetto. That day and the next, German soldiers conducted house-to-house searches to round up all children under age 12 (and adults over 55) -- and sent them to their deaths at Fort IX. Eventually, the Germans blew up every house with grenades and dynamite, on suspicion that Jews might be in hiding in underground bunkers. They then poured gasoline over much of the former ghetto and incinerated it. Of the 37,000 Jews in Kovno before the Holocaust, less than 10 percent survived. One of the survivors was Rabbi Ephraim Oshri, who later published a stirring collection of rabbinical responsa, detailing his life-and-death decisions during the Holocaust. Also on this date, in 1937, American Jews held a massive anti-Nazi rally in New York City's Madison Square Garden.

In a letter to someone who found it difficult to study Torah, the 20th century sage the Chazon Ish wrote:

"Some people find it hard to be diligent in their Torah studies. But the difficulty persists only for a short while - if the person sincerely resolves to submerge himself in his studies. Very quickly the feelings of difficulty will go away and he will find that there is no worldly pleasure that can compare with the pleasure of studying Torah diligently."

Although actions generally have much greater impact than thoughts, thoughts may have a more serious effect in several areas.

The distance that our hands can reach is quite limited. The ears can hear from a much greater distance, and the reach of the eye is much farther yet. Thought, however, is virtually limitless in its reach. We can think of objects millions of light years away, and so we have a much greater selection of improper thoughts than of improper actions.

Thought also lacks the restraints that can deter actions. One may refrain from an improper act for fear of punishment or because of social disapproval, but the privacy of thought places it beyond these restraints.

Furthermore, thoughts create attitudes and mindsets. An improper action creates a certain amount of damage, but an improper mindset can create a multitude of improper actions. Finally, an improper mindset can numb our conscience and render us less sensitive to the effects of our actions. We therefore do not feel the guilt that would otherwise come from doing an improper act.

We may not be able to avoid the occurrence of improper impulses, but we should promptly reject them and not permit them to dwell in our mind.

Today I shall...

make special effort to avoid harboring improper thoughts.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...