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7.15.2015

Karma, or something like that...

Thats the only justification I can come up with for how I ended up here. Here being - a 30yr old, still trying to be open-hearted ex-mistress. (Yes, you read that right.)

Bet you weren't expecting that, hunh?

Yeah, me neither.

I mean, I knew what kind of situation I was in of course, but if you had asked me a year ago would I ever be this girl - the "other woman", the "side-chick" - I'd have... just... no. And most certainly not for as long, or as deeply as I was in it.

It gives me shivers just thinking about it. Like, I'm just so dissapointed in myself.

And not for being in the situation so much (trust me, circumstances were not as black and white as they may seem) - but for becoming that girl. And for being that girl, for this particular guy.

He so didn't deserve that much of me. And certainly not that version.

I mean, you guys know me. I've spent a lot of time (read: years) working on my confidence and doing my best to be honest with myself and about my experiences to learn my lessons and develop myself into a genuinely honest, smart, well-rounded emotional individual woman. Confident, independent, sure of who I am, what I deserve, and what I have to offer. I champion selfishness, standards, and self-appreciation. (I may not always practice it, but thats a lesson in growing.)

And yet, in just a few short months (Ok 10 months isn't short, but it sure fucking felt it, sorta) one guy - one very skillful and manipulative guy - erased all of that. Erased me. Played me. Got me, hook, line and sinker. And I let him.

Thats whats disapointing here.

I LET HIM.

Somebody slap me for me.

And now, I'm left picking up whatever pieces of me I can still find scattered on the ground, in an effort re-gain all that I lost. My confidence, my dignity, my time.

Love man, that shit can really fuck you up.

I'm not going to go into details about what was, because the fact is that relationship is over now, and I need to focus on me and moving forward. But, part of my healing process is learning from this fucking tsunami of a romance and dealing with not just his wrongs, but my part in it all as well.

So its like, totally bound to come up in like, literally everything I do and say for the next little while. (joy!)

And I'm trying to not be jaded. I'm trying really hard to look at this as ONE experience with ONE person, and keep it in its own little box, so as not to ruin everything that is to follow. But its changed me. I've definitely collected a few more bricks to add to my walls. Just trying to remind mysef to leave them here, and not pack em' up to take with me.

But um, back to what I was saying at the beginning; maybe this was coming all along. You know, like when they say everything happens for a reason. Well, maybe this was a necessary evil, so to speak.

Maybe I needed this to see things properly, so that I can know to appreciate good shit when its in front of me. I think its safe to say that this was my first real heart-fuck. I mean, I've had it pretty good so far. I've always been in good relationships with good people that just didn't work out for some good, totally rational reason. I've always been control of my own ending. This one though, this one took me for a ride. Mentally, emotionally, physically. This one showed me the ugly side of love, and people... and maybe thats exactly what I needed to see. To feel.