Microsoft Tester Dies Tragically At Hands Of

The Microsoft Redmond Campus was rocked by tragedy
today as Paul Fitzgerald, Test Engineer on the
Windows NT Team, was brutally murdered in an
apparently psychotic tirade by one of the
"personalities" of Microsoft's latest operating
system shell program, Bob. In the small hours of
this morning, Java, the "friendly" coffee-drinking
dinosaur, burst from the screen of Fitzgerald's
computer, cutting a swath of destruction
throughout the hapless worker's office and into
the accompanying hallway.
The beast was quickly subdued by Microsoft Campus
Security upon failing to produce a valid Microsoft
keycard, avoiding what could otherwise have been a
tragedy of much greater proportions. He is
currently undergoing psychiatric evaluation at the
Washington Institute for Perfectly Valid Lifeforms
Who in the Heat of the Moment Do Some Absolutely
Naughty Things. Says Lars Opstad, chief spiritual
healer and concert pianist, "It's touch and go
right now. I don't think Java yet realizes the
immensity of what he's done."
`Eyewitnesses say that they could hear the
stegosaur-like computer guide screaming "All I
wanted was a GOOD espresso" in those terrible
moments before dawn. Said Rover Retriever, another
Bob personality, "This is just terrible. Java was
always such a great guy. Sure, he was a little
high strung, but I can't believe he would do
something like this. I think we need to seriously
re-examine the stress that the Bob Personality
group is under so that another such incident
doesn't occur."
A possible precipitant to the incident could be
Java's recent attempt to quit smoking as a result
of a clause in his contract. Lawyers are examining
whether this constitutes a violation of
discriminatory hiring statutes on Microsoft's
part. Microsoft Legal could not be reached for
comment, but an undisclosed source asserted "We
couldn't have him puffing away like that. He's a
dinosaur, not a dragon. It would confuse the
market."
Coroner's reports say Fitzgerald died instantly of
cardiac arrest, but are unclear on whether this
was a result of the vicious attack or the fact
that Bob installed successfully on NT.