Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Body Talk: To My Over Eater

My body woke me up yesterday when the sky was still dark and my house was quiet.
Take me for a walk?
It asked.
I shuffled about in the shadows of my house putting on shoes,
finding a shirt,
throwing on a jacket,
pulling up my hair.
Outside was spring-like, not the bone-chilling reception we've had these few months.
The birds were up too, perched high in the bare trees, chatty, noisy little things.
I walked and walked, talked myself into climbing up an inclined street until I reached the top and looked out onto my still, frosted town. The red-roofed library, the stacked Kimball tower, the dark sky scraping Nu Skin building, the white rounded temple, all in my view. I stopped and listened to the drumming of heartbeats in my ears.
That's when my body started talking to me.

You've got to trust me.

When I am hungry I will tell you.
You'll hear it in chambered echos, grumbles and moans.
DON'T FEED ME, until you hear my call.

When I am lonely I will tell you.
A lump will well up in your throat, like you've swallowed cotton and tears will form in your eyes.
DON'T FEED ME, try making a connection with the fine collection of friends you love.

When I am anxious I will tell you.
Your heart will beat fast, your breath will struggle to leave the lungs, and you might feel full of fire.
DON'T FEED ME, instead sit down and fight for those breaths, let the oxygen pour into you--clearing the veins and vessels, close your eyes, identify the fear that is squeezing you.

When I feel depressed I will tell you.
There will be a significant lack of energy, a slumpy reaction to bed-leaving, my mind will slow down and thoughts will become like black puffy clouds.
DON'T FEED ME, instead fill your head back up with new thoughts, ideas from books and discussions. Replace the dirty fuel in your mind with clean energy.

When I feel stressed I will tell you.
Like rubberbands squeezing around your cranium, your head throbbing, your stomach turning, your muscles tightening.
DON'T FEED ME, instead write it all out, everything you are feeling, look over the list and examine.

When I feel sick I will tell you.
Fevers, aches, pains and physical discomfort.
DON'T FEED ME, take care of me, bathe me, give me lots of water and put me to bed.

When I feel happy I will tell you.
Goosebumps infiltrate your skin, you will feel light and airy, propped up on energy, buzzing in your blood.
DON'T FEED ME, use the excess vivacity to spread your sentiments to someone else.

When I feel sensual I will tell you.
Your skin will turn pink and glow. Your mouth will involuntarily smile, your body will hum with awareness.
DON'T FEED ME, you know what to do.

When I need exercise I will tell you.
Your legs will ache to be walked, your back will beg to be stretched, your heart will ask to be throbbed.
DON'T FEED ME, walk me. And don't exercise me until I say so, please, or we will battle.

When I feel lazy, content, competitive, peaceful, overwhelmed, snippy, snappy, hot, cold, tired, frustrated, thirsty, full, beaming and bright I will tell you.
DON'T FEED ME, none of these sentiments require food. Excess surplus will have to be stored. I will have to make more of us--human shelves in rolls and lumps--to organize the overflow intake. Don't make me do that, please. There are babies to feed, children to squeeze, a husband to kiss. Right now, we don't have a lot of steam to become a storage facility as well.

But when I feel hungry I will send you a message of emptiness of stomach, dizziness of head, a sensation in your mouth extending into your throat that reads, I NEED FOOD, PLEASE DON'T STARVE ME.
Then, feed me.

This is fabulous. I am participating in an addiction program with 2 other sisters in my ward. I will definately share this with them. We are following the church's 12 step program, but applying it to our over eating addiction. Thank you for this! :)

so often the words you post are precisely waht i need to hear on a given day. if i were to think it was because we were mentally/emotionally connected, that would make me a stalker ... so i will just go with, you give voice to such deep-seated sentiments that so many of us feel, and thank you for saying it out loud.

My thoughts on this are very different than they would have been when I was your age. Now that I am 50, and my husband was recently diagnosed with diabetes, I look at gaining weight in a totally different light. A doctor once told me that if I never became over weight, I would never become diabetic. What happens when you gain weight is that the shape of your cells changes, and they can't allow naturally produced insulin to enter easily. But once you become diabetic, you are always diabetic. So watching cravings for me is about not becoming diabetic! I realllllllly don't want to have to ever test my blood daily, or give myself insulin shots. Hmmm....I might make a second comment because I'm worried this one is too long. lol

This is amazing!!! And I agree it should be published. It is just perfect! So beautiful and so inspiring. Just what I need to read and reread every day. I'm printing this out and hanging it on my fridge.

Our diabetes class teacher taught us that sometimes when you eat too many carbohydrates in a meal, it makes you crave more. This is why, when you have just eaten a huge meal, you still crave dessert. So keeping carbs to a moderate proportion actually helps avoid cravings. The other thing I really believe is that you are truly hungry, you should eat! And I also really believe that you shouldn't cut out all treats. When you do that, you binge. Even though it isn't fun, trying using a diabetic diet for awhile. They tell you how much of a carb to eat. I really think that will help control cravings. (for example, 1/3 cup of mashed potatoes instead of 2 cups. :)

Amen, sister! Beautiful, powerful writing. Trust and faith is key. I try to think of my body as I would a child's body. It is so precious. It's only mine to borrow for a time. It's chosen me - ME! - to collaborate with in this life. Amazing.

I really like this post. Just thinking after reading this that we need to be careful about rewarding others with food also. I LOVE food, but sometimes worry that I am sending a message I don't want to when food is involved in so many rewards. (I'm thinking about YW classes where treats were brought frequently and bribing children with food.)

This was beautifully written. I actually used to be unable to eat when I was upset or stressed, etc. So much so, that when I went through a hard time many years ago (a divorce), I had dropped so much weight that people were thinking "eating disorder" or "drugs"...neither of which have ever been an issue for me. There was such a strong reaction to my weight loss, that I started forcing myself to eat, even when I was upset. Now, five years later, I have gone the complete other way. I eat when I am happy, I eat when I am sad or stressed, and I eat with every emotion in between. Sorry for this long comment comment, but again, this was beautifully written and exactly what I needed to hear. You spoke to me. Thank you for sharing. :)

Nicely put! I am currently fighting a 20 year battle with my weight...it is like the 9 millionth time I have undertaken the task. This time, my body is SCREAMING at me to make it happen. I started out my "journey" at 430 lbs. and am down 10.2. I am already having bumps along the way - so frustrating - but I am determined to get healthy and give my body what it needs! I have been writing about my experience on a blog - which has been very therapeutic - hopefully it will hold me accountable as well! In fact, I am linking this post from my blog!!! THANKS CJANE!

So often I find myself reading your words and they just seem to resonate with whatever it is I happen to be dealing with at the moment...be it child rearing, eating, weight. This post was timely and I had to take the time to re-read it. Nicely done.

Thank you Courtney. I have been struggling with the exact same thing lately (and my whole life). If only I can learn to recognize exactly what my body needs and not just fill in all the blanks with food........You are an amazing writer and an amazing woman.

Beautifully written. My husband and I were just talking about how our society has such food issues. There seems to be no balance- we either overeat or undereat. Our relationship with food has become so twisted. It is sad. I guess when there is so much to go around that is what happens- not to mention all the focus on diet and weight there is. I love the book French Women Don't get Fat- we should all eat like the french- to enjoy the food!

Oh C.Jane, you have made my life better with this post.You have written what I have failed to be able to put into words.Know that I will print this in triplicate;1. Frame & put up on my board at home where I sit right now.2. Pin to my cork board at work3. Put in my bag to refer to it when needed.THANK YOU!!!!

Wonderful! Is it odd that I didn't take "don't feed me" as literal? But instead I read it to not feed the anxiety, the negativity, the stress, the sadness and to instead cherish the good, the beautiful, the right. I guess is doesn't, and shouldn't, matter. Right? Thanks for the post!

I have never mustered up the nerve to comment on your blog I have been reading for years. This post is simply incredible. How you have managed to articulate what I hope each day in such a profound and beautiful way. . . I am speechless. Teary and speechless.

Last night in bed I thought about how I could reply to this blogpost in a way that would express my experience reading it, because it spoke to me this much.I forgot most of it since I quickly fell asleep, but it will come back to me as I write, surely.

I once stumbled upon nienies blog because of her accident, soon learnt she had a sister and started reading your blog more because you write beautifully, whitty and entertaining. Since becoming a mother myself 9 months ago I then started reading your blog in a whole different way. I get it now, it reaches deeper I think. Not because what you write has changed but because I read it with a different mind, a different life behind me. It is so much more than just entertaining. It enrichens me, if that is a proper English word (I am from Belgium). That is what makes you such a great blogger. This last post...now that is what makes you an exceptional blogger. I read it and paused, like my whole brain paused for a second.You verbalised my inner conversation/conflict in a way I never could because I am not that eloquent. I must thank you for that. Really. It's like you giving me your insight gave me an advantage on my brain, on my maturity. Reading it made it conscious, where my own head would have taken years to come up with this self-trust.I should live in my body, not with it.

It feels like you put your soul into what you write, uncensored almost. I read it and reflect on my own life (just recently with the past loves for example). I am a better person for it. So thanks for all the time you devote to us readers, here on the other side of your blog. It must be time-consuming and tiring at times. But it is so worth it. It doesn't go unnoticed and it serves a higher purpose.

I read you every day, but don't think I have ever commented...until now. That was the most profound, amazing and intelligent piece I have read in the interwebs in a very long time (thus a comment!). I am passing this post along to all of my friends, and printing it out to remember every day!Thank You!

Just shared this on my Facebook page, I have been reading your blog for several years and this post is one of your best. Thank you for being honest, you have blessed so many by just being you and sharing what you feel. My eating has been been dysfunctional all my life, yet my life is so great now why do I still hang on to this destructive habit? Your words are another piece to my solving his puzzle.

Important connections. Keeping your head and heart connected helps at those moments of heart pain when you believe food, or for some alcohol or drugs, for others retail therapy, and some indulging in vicious gossip or criticism, etc. believing that doing so will pacify or numb pain. It's staying connected that allows the head to say to the heart....not going to really help.

my life revolves around food! i remember being where you are and it was good...it was SO good! i can't wait for my mind and body to remember how good it feels to just react properly to all of lifes circumstances and not use them as a reason to feed myself. i'll get there and i know it will be soon but i want to let you know that i am truly excited for you to have this beautiful insight and i hope it helps you. i know that just because we recognize something doesn't always mean that we are in a place to put it into practice, i hope for you that you are and i hope for me that mine will come soon. you are beautiful!

Tell you what, have somebody design a fabulous poster of this, market it, and you will not only bless many lives with a beautiful reminder to listen to their bodies, but you may also make enough money to retire in style.

LOVE LOVE LOVE this! I am reading a new book: Women, Food & God and it kind of goes along with what you wrote... basically eat when you are hungry! Feel your feelings, welcome them, recognize them for what they are! Thanks CJane! :)

Love this, and so needed it! I am struggling with nursing and wanting to exercise/eat right, and find myself so stressed over it that I am eating eating eating! So not the solution! I just need to take your words, and live them!

My Weight Watchers leader read this to our class this morning. I had already read it, but it certainly was more profound this morning, for whatever reason. I've been heavy my entire life (I'm 38). Over the last 2 years I've lost 54 and still have a bunch more to go. These were the perfect words for me to hear this morning. I've got to stay motivated and not let my emotions lead to me the kitchen...Thank you!!

Read this tonight after seeing a link from Danielle at take heart. This is exactly what I needed to read, as over eating is something I struggle with every day. I've printed this out and hung it on my fridge and pantry. Thank you for writing this!

Thank you for this. I am raising a beautiful little girl and have vowed that she will never hear me express negative thoughts about myself and my body (even though I do feel them and think them). Part of raising her to be confident and proud and happy with herself and to treat her body with respect means modeling that behavior to her always. Thank you for the lovely reminder.