(Closed) Telling a Bridesmaid to Step down

So I have a long story. I have a friend who I have known for years. We got along great and so when the time came, I asked her to be in my destination Hawiian wedding. Since then, things have changed. We don’t hang out anymore, and actually have not seen each other since December when she came to my birthday dinner. That is a sore subject for me as well because she told me she couldnt go cuz her boss wouldnt give it to her off, but then when I told her a guy she liked was going she literally said “oh, well now I want to go” and text me the next day to say she was able to switch her shift and was coming. This hurt because she outright lied to me about not being able to go because of work. What changed since she found of this guy was going besides she actually asked the boss for the time off.

She is acting very self centered about the whole wedding thing. She tells me she hates dresses or colors I pick, and actually told me I “couldnt chose purple because she already had a purple dress from another wedding”. When ever I contact her with a wedding realated subject she simply ignors me. I always have to follow up and ask if she got my text/email or what ever I sent her. Then she responds that she “has been so busy! so sorry she didnt respond” and I have to reply again and ask AGAIN ok you have been busy but can you answer my question/give me your input? the most recent episode happened when I asked her to check out two bridesmaids dresses. I told her all the info and asked her to check them out and get measured because we really need to be ordering soon. Knowing her history I both texted AND emailed her to ensure she would get the message one way or the other. Again, she ignors me, but actually texts me later to ask if she can borrow one of our old phones. I ignor her question and say “oh hi! did you get my text and email” she says no and tells me some story about how she lost her phone so the one she has been using is super old. I decide to call her out on this and say something to the point of “what does it matter how old the phone is….your texting me on it right now, seems to be doing fine, why would you think it was too old to work before?” so another lie? I tell her okay fine whatever please check your email. She emails me back the next day and tells me she hates one of the dreses but will try them on and the long dress is ok. but she is confused cuz she thought i was doing short dresses ::::palm to forehead::::: I AM doing short dresses. I have no idea which dresses she is looking at. I reviwed the info in the email and I gave her the correct info, so i had to email her again and let her know. so now I have to wait and wait and then follow up with her when she doesnt respond to make sure she got THAT email.

She also doesnt get along with the other bridesmaids/friends involved in the wedding planning. They all met her for the first time so it was a clean slate. She managed to make enemies with them by being dramatic and self centered. Without going into details, its her fault they dont get along and I dont know why she is acting like she is. It is important to me for people to treat the people I love with respect so this is anohter thing that is bothering me.

also all she seems to care about is going to Hawaii. She will only text me to ask about flights or what activities I want to do with her while I am there. I keep telling her I cant comment to anything cuz I’m there for the wedding. She overheard me say my fiance and I were going over early and she invited herself along! I know I dont own the island but she is going by herself so her being there means she thinks it is going to be a fun filled vacation time with us. Its not! My fiance and I are going early to spend some time together and hammer out last minute details. I dont want her there tagging along with everything and whining about how we dont want to do anything she wants to do and how “this is her vacation so she is wasting her money by not doing the things she wants to do”

I understand this will end the friendship but I realized tonight that several times I have wished I never asked her in the first place, and that I dont care if she is at the wedding or not. Also my MOH was telling me to call her and I actually do not want to. I do not want to talk to this girl….. So basically I have already made my decision but I feel guilty about hurting her. I cant “talk to her and give her another chance” because once she buys her plane ticket it would be awful of me to tell her she’s out so this has to happen now :-/ I guess I just need some words of encouragment and maybe some help deciding what to say to her.

Unfortunately, I don’t know what you should say. I am in the same position with one of mine, where I realize it will end the friendship and whatnot. In my case, I am leaning towards texting her cuz I know our friendship will be over either way, and I am too much of a coward to call.

@BOSOX11: I think you’ve made the right decision. Your “friend” sounds very selfish and like she’s only in the wedding for the trip to Hawaii. My thought is that this is the most special day of your life. The girls that stand beside you are there because they are supposed to support you as you enter into your marriage and I also see them as the girls that will help you stay strong in times of turmoil during your marriage. You don’t want someone that you already know you can’t count on.

I would be honest with her, in the end, it’s better to tell her exactly why, rather than sugar coat it. Good luck!

I know this wont be popular but honestly I don’t think this is entirely your BM’s fault. You talk about respect but from your post it doesn’t seem that you were being very repectful towards her either. Do I think the BM is not handling the situation well- yes but I also think you are not either.

1. Who told you she doesn’t get along with the other BM’s? Was it the other BM’s? Maybe she had a differing opinion on something and they are the ones b*tching about her?

2.Did she really lie? can you prove that or are you looking for an excuse to dump a friend? Maybe her boss did say she couldn’t have your b’day off but she pleaded with him when there was a little bit of extra motivation involved or pleaded with a colleague to switch shifts. Maybe she didn’t want to attend your b’day because all the otehr BM’s who hate her were there?

3. She may be ignoring your texts/emails if she feels overwhelmed and bombarded by them. I mean really a text or an email would be sufficient not both! I personally would roll my eyes at a friend if they did that to me. It comes down tot eh old saying that no one will be more interested in your wedding than you. She has a life and your wedding isn’t her number 1 priority (and nor should it).

4. You are complaining that she is excited about going to Hawaii for your wedding? It is a destination wedding so why shouldn’t she be excited about the destination! Maybe she has always wanted to go to Hawaii and your wedding is giving her the excuse to take the expensive trip. And unfortunately when you have a destination wedding you really should spend sometime with the people that make the expensive trip to come! They are after all spending their time and money to attend your wedding.

Do you try and talk to this BM about things other than your wedding?

Honestly you should take the wedding out of the equation and focus on your relationship with your long time friend.

No its good to try to see the other point of view in this situation and try to play the devils advocate. As for the points you brought up:

1. About not getting along with the bridesmaids: I have heard it from every side that they dont get along, hers and theirs. She also publicly displays it on facebook along with writing passive aggresive hurtful comments about them. They all dont get along true, but SHE is the only want advertising it and picking public fights. When they try to reply she earases their reply but continues to “fight with them” so its public for all of facebook to see but you can only see her side of whats being said.

2. As for my birthday. As I said in my post she literally said “oh well now I want to go” when I told her that guy was going to be there. She told me straight to me face.

3.As far as contacting her: I only sent her both a text and an email that ONE time. That was simply done based on her history of getting back to me. By sending both she had no excuse like she had been using before. Honestly never getting someones texts or emails DOESNT happen. Once, maybe twice, once in a while but EVERY time? and on top of that (like i said in my post) she tried to use the age of her phone as an excuse as to why it “wouldnt receive texts” WHILE SHE WAS TEXTING ME. seriously? so she is saying her phone only works when she needs something from me but is too old to work when someone else talks to her?

4. I never said she couldnt be excited about going to Hawaii. She isnt the only one going besides the bride and groom and everyone is excited. Everyone else however, contacts us about other things besides Hawaii. Everyone else does not ignore us unless she wants information about how we are going to “entertain” her before our wedding, which we are not going to be doing anyway. I have had to tell her multiple times I cant talk to her about “activities” before the wedding since I will be spending time with FI and hammering out last minute details.

Do you think you could provide an example of when I hadnt been respectful to her, like you suggested I wasn’t? I have stayed out of the drama between her and the bridesmaids, I hadn’t said a word about her ignoring me until this last time when I decided to text and email and she still ignored me. I didn’t even tell her that saying to someone you only want to go to their birthday to see some guy was awful. She also dosn’t help with anything, and actually makes things harder with her constant complaining and refusing to offer information (like when we try to plan something). Like I also said in my post I wish I could talk to her and giver her another chance but once she buys the ticket she would be out a whole lot of money if I told her she couldnt come. Are you suggesting I do that?

No its good to try to see the other point of view in this situation and try to play the devils advocate. As for the points you brought up:

1. About not getting along with the bridesmaids: I have heard it from every side that they dont get along, hers and theirs. She also publicly displays it on facebook along with writing passive aggresive hurtful comments about them. They all dont get along true, but SHE is the only want advertising it and picking public fights. When they try to reply she earases their reply but continues to “fight with them” so its public for all of facebook to see but you can only see her side of whats being said.

2. As for my birthday. As I said in my post she literally said “oh well now I want to go” when I told her that guy was going to be there. She told me straight to me face.

3.As far as contacting her: I only sent her both a text and an email that ONE time. That was simply done based on her history of getting back to me. By sending both she had no excuse like she had been using before. Honestly never getting someones texts or emails DOESNT happen. Once, maybe twice, once in a while but EVERY time? and on top of that (like i said in my post) she tried to use the age of her phone as an excuse as to why it “wouldnt receive texts” WHILE SHE WAS TEXTING ME. seriously? so she is saying her phone only works when she needs something from me but is too old to work when someone else talks to her?

4. I never said she couldnt be excited about going to Hawaii. She isnt the only one going besides the bride and groom and everyone is excited. Everyone else however, contacts us about other things besides Hawaii. Everyone else does not ignore us unless she wants information about how we are going to “entertain” her before our wedding, which we are not going to be doing anyway. I have had to tell her multiple times I cant talk to her about “activities” before the wedding since I will be spending time with FI and hammering out last minute details.

Do you think you could provide an example of when I hadnt been respectful to her, like you suggested I wasn’t? I have stayed out of the drama between her and the bridesmaids, I hadn’t said a word about her ignoring me until this last time when I decided to text and email and she still ignored me. I didn’t even tell her that saying to someone you only want to go to their birthday to see some guy was awful. She also dosn’t help with anything, and actually makes things harder with her constant complaining and refusing to offer information (like when we try to plan something). Like I also said in my post I wish I could talk to her and giver her another chance but once she buys the ticket she would be out a whole lot of money if I told her she couldnt come. Are you suggesting I do that?

@nutMeg13: lol I was planning on calling her but I am quickly chickening out as well :-/ I also think I could lay out my thoughts better and say everything I want to say if its in writing. Can I ask some of the things your girl is doing? If you dont want to talk about it thats ok too.

@BOSOX11: You were disrespectful in the fact that you are calling her a liar without the full facts, that in one paragraph you call her an old friend that you get along great with but then say she is acting very self centred and dramatic. You also implied in your post that she was lacking in intelligence (facetopalm) when she was confused over an email link you sent. I know when I was sending possible wedding dress links to my mum and vice versa that often a different dress came up or a page of dresses.

It also sounds like you have written her off as a friend without even trying. Have you tried to go and see, tried to talk about anything non wedding realted, expressed concern the change in your relationship? To me if I am so close to someone that I ask them to be a BM I sure as heck have enough love and respect for them to try and sort out problems. You admitted that you don’t care whether she is at your wedding or not even though she has shown enthusiasm about going to Hawaii for your wedding (which I don’t think is about going on holiday or she could go anytime!).

As I said in my post maybe the guy being at your B’day party was the extra motivation she needed to go since it seems so many people who “hate her” were going to be there. I know I would be reluctant to go somewhere I felt no one liked me! And it was only a B’day party- sure it is nice if friends can come and it’s disappointing when they can’t but I think you need to let it go.

If you realised she was so bad at responding to text/email why didn’t you call her? Personally I would rather take one phone call than receive multiple emails/texts. Text/emails can be really cold and it is really hard to read/convey tone.

She isn’t required to contact you about other stuff to do with the wedding. Its great that other guests have but thats them- you can’t treat everyone with such broad strokes of a brush. She has expressed that she is excited about spending time with you and going to Hawaii. I personally was delighted everytime a guests told me how excited they were to visit such and such at my DW. I was happy that there were coming along and excited to see the sights. I also think you are condeming her before she does anything. Yes she may be going over early even if you have explained you will be busy but this doesn’t mean she will tag along and whine about everything. If you do happen to run into her you can just explain that you are off to an appointment and will see her later.

Honestly I struggle to understand how a long term friendship can be “over” because of the things you have mentioned. There has to be a reason why she has been your friend for all these years and it is disrespectful to just chuck that away without trying. As I said take the wedding out of the equation and think about this in terms your relationship with this girl. She may be having personal issues that she doesn’t want to share with you becasue she doesn’t want to be a downer during your planning/wedding. There could be a million reasons why your friendship has changed but you wont know the reason until you talk to her (and I mean face to face not in an email or text).

OP, this girl sounds really selfish. You are not being wrong or disrespectful by asking her to step down. All she is doing/will do is stress you out even more on your wedding day. There is no point in having someone in your wedding that you have to question why they’re even in it.

This seems to be a very sensitive issue with you. So your right maybe I shouldnt have used the word liar, but put yourself in my place and put the pieces together. Would you be happy with someone and would you call them your friend if they literally said to you (and I quote AGAIN, I feel like we are going around in circles) that she only wants to go because some guy is going? Some guy who she only met once btw and doesnt even like her? She had no reason to do that, they have no relationship, and the relationship of your friend should be more important to her then trying to hook up with some guy she doesnt know, but even if she did know him are you saying its okay to only hang out with your “friend” hoping you get to see some guy? Isnt that the definitiion of using someone? Also the point of why would she want to go if some of the people there dont like her. Well, she made her bed with how she was acting to cause these feelings in the first place. Like I said they all came in with a clean slate. If she doesnt want to go fine, if she tells me shes working fine, but then dont change your story cuz you wanna see some guy. I mentioned we “were close but she has changed” and its not disrespectful to say that she is acting self centered when she clearly is. How is it not being self centered when you are trying to contol details of someone elses wedding. You can have an opionion but dont tell me I can or can not do something.

The issue with the face palm is that she never repsonds and then when I have to follow up with her she doesnt even read what I wrote. I mentioned that in my post. I have to email her back and literally ask again “please read the email and respond”. Thats why she didnt know what dresses to look at. She doesnt give the emails enough attention to even read them. Also you say I shouldnt be mad at her for wanting to go to Hawaii for my wedding. I wouldnt be mad if that was the case, but as I also stated already in my post she isnt interested in the wedding what so ever. Hawaii yes, wedding no. also like I mentioned in my post she keeps trying to get me to commit to activities so im not sure why you think it would just be FI and I on the island “and if we run into her great”, like I said in my post she is going alone and wants to do activities with us(none wedding related) I am not saying she has to care about it as much as I do but she has to care a little. Why is she a bridesmaid if she doesnt? She actually cares so little that she is holding up the planning. I cant order her dress with out her measurements can i? As for calling instead of text/email, no one answers their phone any more. Text/email is how we communicate and how we always have. I would ask her face to face but she never makes herself available (part of what I mentioned in my post about trying to plan anything.) If you are so sure she has other things going on then maybe the wedding is too much for her right now and asking her to step down would be doing her a favor, so whats so wrong about it? Im not saying I want the friendship to be over but I know if she is out of the wedding then it will be, but if she stepped down on her own I would continue to be her friend. Also part of the reason I know the relationship would be over is because she is dramatic(im sorry you dont like that word) but a perfect example is she no longer speaks to or can even be polite/decent to in public our best friend S simply because S told her “she isnt saying we dont have to be friends with him anymore but it hurts S when this girl posts on Facebook that she is hanging out with S’s newly divorced husband.” S simply wanted us all to block her from those posts for a little while. I understood, I said ok. This girl flipped out and went on a rampage about how she shouldnt have to “censor herself for an audience” This struck me the wrong way a little too actually cuz I didnt realize I was her “audience” I thought I was her “friend”

I know EXACTLY how you feel because I had to deal with that dilemma just a few months ago. I had asked a girl who I was friends with for 7 years and we always had one of those friendships where even if we didn’t see each other all the time, we always picked up right where we left off.We were close during most of our friendship. Within the past 1.5 years, she started becoming very unreliable, flaky, taking forever to reply to things, not responding, etc. I had voiced my concerns about our friendship several times and honestly, I tried hard to save this friendship. Even though our friendship had clearly gone down the drain, I was still hopeful that we would be able to go back to the way we were, despite the warnings from others. My fiance actually objected to me asking her in the first place because he thought she was a terrible friend and person in general. After what I thought was a nice talk that cleared things up between us, I asked her to be a part of my bridal party, thinking her involvement in my wedding would bring us close again. Long story short, within a month, I found out that she had lied to me about something for months and showed no remorse for it. We had a conversation about it, and it didn’t end well. I was heart broken and devastated. I finally realized what everyone had known all along and I decided that I didn’t want her in my life anymore, let alone be a part of my wedding party!

I waited 2 months after that bad conversation to contact her. Up until that moment, neither of us had contacted the other person. I thought about HOW and WHAT I would say to her and even consulted several friends about it. Some people said, “Leave it. If she doesn’t get an invite to your wedding, then it’s assumed that she’s not part of your wedding anymore.” My fiance told me not to waste any more time on this girl. I felt like I needed to bring closure this ordeal, and more importantly, to myself.

I ended up e-mailing her, which is something that apparently she doesn’t like, but really, her feelings didn’t matter to me anymore. I wanted to get the message across to her with minimal contact. Although I really, and I mean REALLY wanted to say more in the e-mail, I decided not to because I didn’t want to waste any more energy on her. In the e-mail, I told her that we hadn’t spoken in a while and it was clear where our friendship stands. To avoid further arguements and feelings being hurt, it would be best if she wasn’t a part of my wedding party anymore. She never contacted me about it, but it is safe to say that we’re no longer friends.

I thinking e-mailing her would be the best and non-confrontational approach. Texting would be too impersonal. I hope this helps.

@msbridezilla: thank you for showing your understanding! Im sorry you had to go through that. I feel this post is going in the wrong direction and everything is being over analyzed.

Something you and I have in common is my FI doesnt like this girl either. Just from her actions and what not since he has known her, he respects that we are friends but he doesnt like her. A lot of times I found myself making excuses for things that she does/says and saying to myself “shes my friend” and so I let it slide and I stick by her. I am fine with continuing the friendship after this ordeal but with her personality she would not want to, but I think that is what it has come to unfortunatley. I think I am going to email her about it.

But the point is if she wants to step down she will. Pushing her to step down is just a backhanded way of dumping her.

As to the birthday party you said it yourself that most of the people there wouldn’t like her so why would she go? Maybe she thought that this guy liked her and would be friendly to her- why wouldn’t that be an incentive to go if she thoguht there might actually be someone there that wanted her there. I don’t think she was using you- she didn’t say hook me up with that guy and then not speak to you or thank you! She used a situation to her advantage which could be argued that you are doing- using the situation of a BM not doing exactly what you want to ditch a friend.

I really don’t see how she is halting your planning or controlling your wedding! You tell her the dress that was picked, where to order it and when it needs to be ordered by and let her go forth and do it. You don’t need to collect her measurements, she is capable of going in and giving them to the dress shop. If she chooses not to do all that by the date then she has taken herself out of the wedding. If she makes a comment on a particular dress you should be polite and say thanks for that imput and when a dress decision has been made you let her know.

As I said in Hawaii you tell her again that you are busy and are unable to do such and such activities. I never mentioned that I thought you and your FI would have the Island to yourselves! That fact is though that Hawaii is a big place- most resorts are big places- on my honeymoon hubby spent over an hour looking for me at the hotels beach because there were so many people. The chances of running into someone are slim. I think you are making a big deal out of nothing.

If you read your original post the facepalm was in reference to her being confused about the email and the links and not in relation to her not responding.

As I said in my first post I don’t think the BM is being very mature either

As for the text/email well if that is they way you usually do it then wouldn’t she get the picture that it was serious if you actually went to talk to her about the problems in your relationship face to face?

As I said in my original post I don’t think the BM is being very mature either, but it takes two to have a relationship and disagreements like this are rarely only one sides fault.

I think there is more here than her just being a perceived bad bridesmaid. I think there are other reasons why you want to end the friendship and you are justing using this situation as an excuse so you don’t seem like the bad guy. If you want to end a friendship then just be honest and do it. And if you don’t want to end the friendship than be a friend and talk to this girl. Friendships should not be like tissues that you dispose of once they get a little bit icky.

I don’t mean to be harsh but when you look back in 5 years, 10 years or 20 years and reread what you posted you need to be sure that you don’t regret your behaviour.

@j_jaye: okay, I have to be honest with you, I didnt read this post. I got as far as you telling me that I was using this as an excuse to ditch a friend. I have already said it would be her that would decide to end the friendship if I had her step down. It would be her choice so how is that me ditching a friend? I keep having to repeat myself.

@BOSOX11: By forcing her to back down you are ending the friendship. How could you expect anyone to want to remain friends with someone who basically says I no longer value our friendship and want you out of my wedding? I keep having to repeat myself.