Tuesday, February 7, 2012

2/6--And the Band Played On

The Magical Date of Kacie B.

Just how magical was it? I have no idea. Turns out the Wench Queen fiddled with our DVR to make sure she didn't miss the debut of The Voice and fiddled the Bachelor right off the recorder. I'm soooo glad she did too. I mean there is such a horrible shortage of shitty singing shows in our house. Anyway, we usually wait 15 or 20 minutes into the show before we start watching so we can skip the commercials, so the early part of the show has vanished into Dish Network vapor. And since my internet connection sucks so much ass (Thank you, AT&T!) I couldn't catch it online and was reduced to reading the Wingman's blog for clues. Suffice it to say, I wasn't the only one missing Kacie's date with Ben; turns out the Wingman was busy cratering his gameshow, You Deserve It! into the ground and skipped the date too. Ok, since he was too busy hosting hiding in the resort bar his gameshow, I'll have to wing this. Ben took Kacie to an Puerto Rican island (I'll assume a helicopter was involved) where they frolicked in the sand and surf and he peck-kissed her a bunch and then gave her a rose. Date over. Hey, this is easy; maybe I'll skip watching from now on and just write the recaps this way. It's not like they're going to do anything I haven't seen before.

Group Date:

Yeah, when I finally got to start watching, the Group Date names had already been called and Boom-Boom Blakely and Chain Smokin' Rachel know they're the ones been called out for the 2-on-1-Somebody-Gets-Jettisoned Date. When I finally see the show Ben is puttering around in a super long John Boat with an outboard on the back in the middle of some Panamanian River. He picks up Stool Pigeon Emily; Nicki the Narrator; Lindzi the Misspelled; Casey S.; Nurse Jamie; and of course, Queen Courtney. They putter along to a Panamanian Tourist Trap so the Bachelor can begin its once or twice a season cultural open-mindedness tour. Ben guides them up out of the water where they've been pelted with Rainforest rain, and up to a village of tame natives. The natives, who actually live in normal houses and dress in jeans and t-shirts, have donned their tribal bead gear and are hanging out in a mock-up of a real native village. This is all a huge excuse to dress the women in Tarzan and Jane tribal gear and let Queen Courtney yank her tits out. All the other women take turns running to the camera for private interviews about what a skank Courtney is for getting naked with the natives. Ben foams at the mouth and appears to ignore all the other women while Courtney parades around with her nipples poking through the bead layer and giggling like a moron. Fleiss got out his black boxes again and plastered them across Courtney's…stomach? Breast meat expert Greaseball Wes Hayden Tweeted, "Surprise! Courtney's got her arrangatang titties floppin' in the wind." Who am I to argue with the Greaseball? Considering the black box placement, it does appear that gravity has started acting unkindly to the Queen though. Regardless, Ben emerges with the local chief and shows off the least impressive Bachelor bod since Jason Mesnick first pestered DeAnna Pappas. Should have sent the guy to the gym, Fleiss. He hams around and stares at Courtney's "arrangatang titties". Regardless, what's the over-under on how long it takes before Hayden crashes into that like a Saturn V rocket?

As night falls, Ben hauls the women back to a Donald Trump freebie resort and grabs Lindzi the Misspelled to brag about his tribal loincloth, and talk about how hot he is for compared to all the other women except Courtney. They discuss Dumpsville again before they make out. Back at the gimme', Boom-Boom and Marlboro Girl show off contrasting styles of their expectations for their 2-on-1 showdown: Blakely, for extra foreshadowing, insists she is "super confident' while Rachel complains about having to share and acts nervous. Meanwhile, back at the hotel pool, Ben hauls Queen Courtney away so he can brag about getting her naked again. He pretty much tells her he knows she's a total bitch and he's cool with it. The baby voice comes out so she can whine about losing sight of "them'. Ben gapes at her in sheer terror, "How can you lose sight of something like that?" Because she's done it with a hundred guys, dummy. She skanks down and tells him what room she's in so he can come by and bang her again. She hangs on him and does everything but stuff her panties into his mouth. Now it's time for the producer-maggots to ply their snake-like trade on Nurse Jamie. Jamie has been rendered mercifully mute up to this point, but now egged on that she's about to get dumped for not being forward and agressive enough, Jamie falls into the Fleiss-web and plans to get herself humiliated before departing. Jamie plans to jump him, but Queen Courtney has other ideas. Ben sits Jamie down and she tries to talk with him, but the producers send Courtney in behind them in a white bikini to frolic in the pool. Ben, acting like a 16 year-old in a whorehouse, practically gives himself whiplash trying to ogle Courtney while Jamie tries to talk to him. Rude. Dude, you're such a teenager; haven't you seen enough of that yet? Ben finally gets a moment alone with Stool Pigeon Emily and instead of being a Courtney-rat again, she shows off her I.Q. and a good sense of humor. But this is merely a set up, of course. After apologizing to Ben for ragging his girlfriend, Emily returns to the harem and tries to apologize to Courtney. Courtney, now good and drunk, waves around her cask of red wine around and sneers, "So I'm supposed to bend over and take it up the tailpipe?" No, no, Courtney. That's for later. And please wait until the cameras are gone before you take it up the tailpipe this time, ok? Anyway, she proves that edit has nothing to do with anything; she's a mean, nasty bitch and Ben could care less. He does, however, take Lindzi aside and hand her the flower. Courtney screws up her trout pout mouth, fumes and plans her tailpipe invasion for later. We now see Courtney in "her" room waiting on Mr. Wonderful to come by and hammer her tailpipe while she whines that men love her in the beginning, but once they're done assaulting her tailpipe and discover what a harpy she is, they dump her. Alas, Romeo Stormhorse doesn't arrive until the cameras leave. Date over.

Boom-Boom Gets Blindsided

Time for some 2-on-1 sandbagging. Blakely gushes about how pumped she is to go and get dumped. Courtney wishes them both unending agony in the bowels of hell, and off they go. Ben, dressed in a Farmer Brown checked-shirt and piss-yellow pants, greets them and takes them to a place to learn salsa dancing. He lies about how "equal" the women are and takes them to meet a pro salsa teacher. They get made over in salsa dancing dresses that make them both look like characters in a Dr. Seuss book. The teacher puts Ben through the paces while the women look on. Rachel stands there while Blakely practices while the coach does the steps. Rachel struggles around and then Blakely steps in and does the dance with a sexy vavoom. They battle over who gets to cut in on who while Ben stands there like a robot. Blakely vavooms while Rachel stumbles around. He then takes them to a mighty uncomfortable dinner. He takes Rachel away first and Rachel gets sufficiently desperate and kisses Ben's ass for him. He returns the favor and kisses her lips. Blakely gets her time and says she is super nervous and cries. She tells Ben, "I feel like I'm always the one talking…" He stonewalls her some more so she whips out a producer-inspired scrapbook. BUZZZ! Clear violation of etiquette for pulling out a collage before the Last Chance Dates. Ben looks detached and unimpressed, but she walks away "much more confident." He makes out with her to set the stage. The trap laid, they head back to the table. "Rachel, will you accept this rose?" Blakely's head snaps around and she hops up and storms off. He goes to follow her while she pulls a "Flajnik" and marches off ignoring him. I was cheering her on too. "Go Blakely! Don't stop!" But she finally does. She cries all over him as he deposits her in the cargo van and Rachel gets her moment to pull a Courtney. "I have the rose and Blakely does not!" The bag snatcher comes into the cage and hauls Blakely's bag away. The other women basically cheer. Yeah, who's gonna' do your hair now, girls? Date over.

Sherlock Harrison Nails Another One

The women, their hair partially set without Blakely's help, sit around on the sofas gossiping when in walks the oft-absent Wingman. The producers, having decided it's time to remove Courtney's only ally in the house, send Harrison in to out mute Casey S. for having a boyfriend. What ensues it a ridiculous pantomime of Justin Rated-R Rego's outing at the hands of Ali Fedotowsky a few seasons back. Harrison takes Casey outside and confronts her with the info they've clearly had for a while: Casey has a guy back home she was basically living with right before the show started filming. Since Harrison has been too busy getting his gameshow canceled to talk with Ben this season, this is his Big Moment. The past few seasons the guy has been reduced to acting like a Private Detective taking dirty photos of cheating husbands. He browbeats Casey, who is a terrible liar, until she finally admits she loves the guy who helped out her. Sufficiently pleased, Prosecutor Wingman slaps on his deerstalker, dangles his clay pipe from his mouth and takes her to number 10 Baker Street or wherever they have Ben stashed. Sherlock leads her up some stairs barefoot and down to Ben's room. He answers the door with the cameraman clearly visible behind him, "Uh, I wasn't expecting you both…" What, was Harrison due to give you a massage, Ben? Harrison sits her down and she tells Ben she loves some other douche who doesn't want to get married either. Ben goes cold, "I think that since I cut several less attractive women who were really into me instead of you, that you should just leave and let me stand out on the balcony, wistfully gazing at the ocean like I just cut one so I can try and remember your name." Harrison leads Casey outside so she can bawl about what a shit sandwich her life is. Boo hoo. He then throws her into a van with no shoes on and no baggage and orders the driver to buy her a bus ticket back to America. She melts down like they are going to make her walk back home. Barefoot.

A Nearly Flawless Escape, Foiled.

Oh, you demon producers; couldn't you just let her go with all her dignity intact? Of course you couldn't. Nurse Jamie, who's spent the last 6 weeks as a mute, becomes a desperation highlight when she tries to save her TV skin at the last minute. The producers, doubtlessly egging her on, sit back and watch as she tries to vavoom it up like her name is Courtney, but craters her sterling edit instead. Desperate to stay in the game, Jamie takes Ben aside and tries to dry hump him to death. Her dress gives her a near fatal wedgie as she tries to climb on his crotch and make out with him. So uncomfortable with the cameras in her face, she cracks up in his mouth when she cries to kiss him. Valiantly trying to get them on the same page, she tries to give closed mouth/open mouth kissing instructions to him. Ben finally puts his head in his hand and begs her to stop. Up yours, Fleiss. Despite the desperate awkwardness, Jamie was very nice on night one and clearly did nothing else besides this to embarrass herself cause you know damn well we'd have seen it if she did.

Roses:
Already safe: Sweetie Pie Kacie B.; Lindzi the Misspelled; Chain Smokin' Rachel.
1) Nicki the Narrator--got her 5 minutes alone with him, but that's all.
2) Queen Courtney:"Courtney, will you accept this rose?""Of course; I'll keep it in my tailpipe for the next time you get to see my Arrangatang Titties."
3) Stool Pigeon Emily: Just hanging on.

Dumped: Jamie, the Embarrassed Nurse. The Bubble came too late, Get away while you can, girl!