High School Troubled with a Swag Crisis

Local high schools in the Midwest are currently experiencing one of the most serious droughts of swag in recent years. Experts are dubbing this “Swag Crisis 2013”
“the threat is real and the stakes are high” – 19 year old Chad McBradley, employee at Hollister

Teen news dug further into the investigation to determine the root causes of this swag crisis
“well it started with the snapback shortage earlier this year. without snapbacks people started switching to fitted, and after the fitted caps went out, well, people just moved to fedoras”
*man starts crying*
“so many… so many fedoras”

THE FEDORA: also known
as the virginity cap

Studies indicate that 7 out of 10 students in the Midwest have unironically worn a fedora in the past two months. That’s almost 6 times the national average!
“don’t even get me started on the jorts”, says Marcus Jones, principal of a high school in Nebraska. “if i see one more lily white boy skip on by me in a pair of jorts i’m gunna whoop his ass”

With swag reaching critical levels at high schools across the Midwest, both national and state government are working together to quell the crisis

“If we don’t contain the Swag Crisis to just the Midwest, it might start affecting states that actually matter!” – President Barrack Obama

As the swag crisis slowly starts to spread, parents are advised to check their children’s swag levels at least once a week
“with a low swag level, children become much more likely not to drink, have sex, smoke cigarettes, or do plenty of other really cool activities that are essential for the human body” – some scientist somewhere

We here at teen news recommend that our viewers in the Midwest stay safe by avoiding obvious “anti swag” items such as: fedoras, jorts, New Balance sneakers, dad jeans, mom jeans, dads, moms, condoms, and any music made before 1990

80's music is a leading cause of
swag decay among teenagers

Of course, it’s hard to think of current times without hearkening back to that Swag Crisis of 1939, one of the darkest periods in American history. But with a strong remembrance of the past, our generation too can avert this crisis

“Swag is one of America’s most important resources. This country was built on swag, and I’ll be damned if some anti-swag nerds are gunna destroy it. As long as we as a nation remember to stay based in all that we do, this crisis will soon pass” – President Franklin Delano Roosevelt