Interview: David Cross

Jan 2002.KP Issue XV: The Hamburger Joke Book

kp: What was the first record you ever bought?DC: It was either The Who By Numbers, or The Sweet "Desolation Boulevard". I was a huge Who and Sweet fan, so there.

kp: What was the first concert you ever saw?DC: The Kinks at the Fox Theater in Atlanta. I was fifteen and my friend and I figured this way-too-easy scam to pull. We volunteered to be ushers. We brought a little uniform (black pants, white shirt, and red vest) and listened to the 45 minute "lesson". Once the opening act went on (a young man by the name of Johnny Cougar - pre "Mellencamp" days) we just ditched our vests and ran into the crowd never to be seen again. It was embarrassingly easy.

kp: What's your favorite Corn Mo song?DC: The first one I ever heard. It was as if an angel whispered a life-saving lie into my earholes.

kp: Favorite Clint Howard movie?DC:COTTON CANDY and it should be everyone else's favorite as well godammit!!

kp: Fuck yeah! Wain and Showalter claim Supertramp is better than Superchunk. Agree or disagree?DC: I will not even dignify that remark with an answer. Let me say this though, Anytime they want, Showalter, Wain, and the line-up of, what is it again, Supertramp? Can meet me and me alone in a back alley somewhere and we will get it on. All to the music of Superchunk.

kp: Where's the best place to get pie in Atlanta?DC: The best pie (in my opinion) are the little fried pies at The Varsity. They come in either peach, or apple, and they kick ass. They used to be fifty cents or 25 cents or something like that when I was a kid.

kp: How awesome was Wanda Sykes in Pootie Tang? I love her. DC: Not only is Wanda great in that movie, but I have a secret crush on her. She's so goddamn funny, and smart, and nice (and married unfortunately) and I don't know why she's not a big star yet. It's a fucking conspiracy. She rocks.

kp: What is the cheesiest showbiz offer you've received? DC: I was offered a lot of money (for me at least, this is when I first got to LA and was hungry) to write the THE ARCHIES movie. But...no, sorry. Also, at the show you guys were at the other week, a guy came up to me and told me that I could write for MAD magazine anytime I wanted.

kp: Has success changed you? Has it changed your act? DC: Success has made me completely disregard my financial situation, something that had never happened until about seven years ago. It's absolutely the coolest thing to not have to think about that shit anymore. I remember being in Westwood (home of the beautiful UCLA campus of beautifuls) back in '86 with my friend John Ennis (from Mr Show) and we were sleeping in our car, and getting into all sorts of harmless trouble. And I remember seeing all these rich fucks and thinking that I'd have it made when i can walk down the street and go "I'm cold" and walk into a store and buy a sweater right then and there. (this was before I had a credit card obviously). Well my friends, I can now do this...and pay for it with bars of gold!!!! So, yeah, it's changed me that way.

As far as my act is concerned, it hasn't changed my attitude or what subjects I talk about, but it has changed the way I approach my act, in that I don't have the luxury of being unknown, and therefore "surprising". I used to go on stage in "character" and try to get the audience believing that I was gay, or nervous, or retarded, or whatever and make the place get uncomfortable before continuing. I can't do that anymore which kinda sucks, but it's a nice trade-off to have people come to see me specifically.

On a side note, I'm always amused when I read or hear a celebrity say that success hasn't changed them, they're still the same old Matt Damon everyone from school remembers. What a load of pure bullshit! Either they are incredibly un-observant (and therefore shouldn't be acting) or they are in a perpetual state of catatonia. Those people are liars.

kp: Can you tell us something awesome that happened on the set of Run, Ronnie, Run?DC: The funniest thing that happened on the set was when the President (Clinton) visited us and took a huge dump in my trailer but didn't flush. I sold his poo on e-bay for 42 dollars!

kp: Do you have any hobbies?DC: I dabble in baseball card collecting and cannibalism, and Cannonball Runnism

kp: What can America do to improve it's image with the rest of the world?DC: Forgive Third World Debt, stop exporting (and charging for it) our culture, lead the way in alternative fuel source research, destroy patents on life-saving drugs, and tell the truth and apologize.

kp: If you and I were at karaoke at the same time, would you sing a duet with me?DC: Yes

kp: Could it be something by X?DC: Yes!

kp: Have you ever had sex and, if so, where's the weirdest place you had sex?DC: I have only had anal sex, so technically I am still a virgin. The weirdest place that I had sex was in a booth at a very crowded party (it was a movie premiere, and there were a lot of "stars" there. We didn't even try to hide it, but I'm pretty sure no-one could tell. Although, it's hard to believe that no-one saw, I mean, it was right there in the middle of the party.

kp: When you're making love, do you ever think of characters to make yourself not cum? If so, do you ever cum early because you accidentally thought of one of Bob's characters?DC: The characters I think about when I am having sex are (in order of frequency) The character Dennis Quaid played in FREQUENCY, "Noodles, the Asian Mobster", and all of "Mama's Family" from the Carol Burnett show. And yes, one time I thought about Bob when he played his Dad. I fucked for hours.