Young Ideas (1943) Movie Script

Mr. Trent's office. No, I'm sorry, Mr. Trent can't speak to you. No, no, still no word. 'Mr. Trent's office. No, she hasn't been found.' 'Hello? Sorry, I can't disturb him now.' 'No. No, she hasn't been found.' 'No, Josephine Evans is still missing.' (Adam Trent) 'Yes, Mr. Hackle. No, Mr. Hackle.' I know, Mr. Hackle. I know she didn't show up. Yeah, I know you had to refund the money. It hurts me 10% as much as it hurts you. I'm sorry. Goodbye, Mr. Hackle. Pittsburgh, too? - Yes. - No. Josephine Evans failed to appear for lecture. Stop. Had to refund $4200. Stop. - Lawyers let her-- - Stop. - Buffalo, Cleveland and now-- - Pittsburgh. She can't do this. Where is she? Who does she think she is? I'll sue her. I'll-- Josephine Evans is on the phone. Tell them I'm sick. Tell them I'm dead. - I'll attach her royalties-- - But it's Josephine Evans. I don't care who it is. J-Josephine. Jo, Jo, honey, where are you? What do you mean it's a secret? But you're lecturing in Detroit tonight. Oh, I'll kill her. She can't do this. Jo.. Jo, honey. Jo, pet. Darling Jo, remember me? This is Adam. Adam Trent. You're faithful old affectionate agent. Oh, you just saw a bluebird. Look, I'll get one stuffed for you. Just get on that train. I know it's autumn. What about it? Every year about this time you get autumn. Oh, Josephine, you're crazy. You can't cancel the rest of your tour. It's impossible. Jo ,honey. Jo, darling. Well, what about the children? You have a duty to them, haven't you? Yes, I know. Oh, I know they can take care of themselves. Look Josephine, you've got.. Jo, Jo? Josephine! Jo. Oh, Josephine. Now, what's this about a bluebird? - She saw one. - Where? She cancelled the whole tour? Why? There's only one thing to do. Get her kids to help you. You think so? Let's face it. She doesn't run her life. Neither do you. The kids are bossing the family. - She adores them. - Yeah, the kids. They're pretty fond of her, too. I'll go and see them right away. I've already sent for them. They should be here by now. [door opens] Susan, Jeff. - What's all this about mother? - Honey, she's disappeared. - What? - Furthermore, she's gone crazy. Well, stop jibbering. Give us the facts. She didn't show up in the last three towns she was supposed to lecture in. Buffalo, Cleveland, Pittsburgh. They had to refund $4200 in Pittsburgh. And then, she phoned me. She told me she was in a hideaway on the shore of a dreamy little lake. And she'd just seen the last bluebird of the season and was writing a poem about it. Mother said she was writing a poem? Also, she said she'd made a discovery. She discovered that autumn was a shy, lovely thing so she wants to cancel the tour. Now. Just when she has a best seller. Well, don't get sore, Adam. I'm not, it's not the principle of the thing. It's the money. She probably couldn't face another night in some depressing hotel room. Gentlemen, to me it sounds like love. - Don't say that. - Don't be silly, Sue. Bluebird, plus autumn, plus poem by mother. Love. What do you think we ought to do? Where was her last lecture? A little college town. Digby, Pennsylvania. - You ever been there? - Don't get insulting. - Never mind, we'll find it. - You bet we will. We shouldn't have let her go without us. Atta boy, tell her how broken up I am. Say, I can't see a great talent buried in obscure hemlock. Why do you think we're going? Never mind. We'll bring her back alive. [pleasant orchestra music] Thank you. Oh, uh.. Say, is, uh, is Miss Josephine Evans still here? She's in 211. Is she alone? I mean, for the moment. Yes, the professor's just left. A professor? What's our attitude? Tolerant. Tolerant, but firm. [whistles] My darlings. - Hi, mom. - Hi, mom. Oh, bless you. Well, how, uh-- It's your past catching up with you. But what are you doing here? - You may well ask. - I do well ask. Well, Adam was getting frantic-- - People were asking questions. - So, we tracked you down. I'm sorry, kids, but I was writing. I didn't leave this morning because I was writing you a big letter explaining everything. It would have to be gigantic. As it is, I'll have to confess face to face. Um, you'd better, uh, sit down because it's a long story. Brazen, isn't she? What is this? Darling, don't you think we know the whole story? Since you postponed the train-- Right up till when your professor left without finishing his milk. [Jo chuckling] Can't I have any secrets from you brats? And you don't object? - Don't be silly, mother. - Oh, but this is wonderful. I was expecting stern disapproval and instead I get congratulations. Well, we didn't exactly congratulate you. Come on, we've gotta get you packed. There's a train for New York in an hour. Oh, wait a minute. Michael went to the college. - It opens tomorrow. - Forget Michael. - That's no way to talk. - So you've been in love. If you hurry, we can still catch the train. You can see him for a while on his next summer vacation. Sure, maybe even Thanksgiving. What would you think if I told you I want to marry him? - A professor of-- - Of chemistry. Of chemistry. Some fellow who's clothes smell of rotten eggs. You'd never get our permission. Look, kids, for the past ten days, I have been living with Michael as a respectable married woman. - You didn't. - I did. - 'No.' - Yes. Mother, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. I think it's rather nice. Nice and scholarly. You kids should try again at getting a formal education. Ah, they'd throw us out. They always do. I don't like it. Too many bright young faces. You promised you'd be open minded. - We are. - Ah, say bud-- - What are you doing? - I'm being open minded. Say, I'm new here. Ah, would you advise my taking Professor Kingsley's course? Brother, you are new. [all laughing] Well, maybe he appeals to the more intellectual type. Alright, we'll try this one. Ah, pardon me, but would you recommend Professor Kingsley's course? - I certainly would. - You see? He's the most scholarly man on the campus. In his class, nothing but good stimulating work. - Thank you. - Yes, we see. Bye-bye. We'll give this Michael one more chance. Ah, excuse me, do you know Professor Kingsley? Oh, Gas-house Mike? - Gas-house? - Yes, you know, the chem lab. He's a drip from way back. Makes it nice. You'll be known as Mrs. Gas-house Mike. [both whistling] It's amusing. What is it? It's your new home. [whistles] (Susan) 'This looks like the set from that play of Freddie's.' The one about the two old ladies that murdered their boarders. They hid the bodies under here. I can fix it up. Chintz and things. Oh, mom, you're not really gonna give up the nicest apartment in New York for this. You just don't belong here. Now, listen kids. I hate to go sentimental on you but have to. Next to you, this is the most important thing that's ever happened to me. I'm in love with Michael. And life with him can be lovely and good. If you let me make it so. Well, mom-- Uh, well, let's explore upstairs. And, incidentally, get washed up. Good idea, I've got to change, too. Although, running water seems too much to hope for. Jo? Jo? Yes, Michael. Hello, darling. Can I count on a greeting like this every night? There'll probably come a time when I'll just snarl and say, "Oh, you again." Think so? No. Neither do I. How do you, uh, how do you like the place? It has an air. Uh, Michael.. Oh, I didn't know you expected them so soon. I didn't. They got worried and trailed me. Well, let's go up and meet them. Uh, in a minute, Michael. Susan and Jeff maybe a little difficult to know at first but you'll make an effort to like them, won't you? Is an effort required? Well, they're not really difficult. They had an odd childhood. Travelling, picking up too many notions meeting too many adults. Out of the way adults, at that. I guess I haven't been much of a mother. I've been too busy writing, providing the groceries. They're your children. That's all I care about. Oh. [footsteps] - You are Jeff, I presume. - Uh-huh. Uh, this on the other hand, is Susan. - How do you do? - How do you do? How do you do? - Why don't we, uh.. - Yes. - Over there, darling.. - Yeah. It's a nice little college you have here. - Oh, thank you. - Football team any good? Yes, we won all our games last year. Either that or we lost all our games. - I, I heard something about-- - That's close enough. I really don't pay much attention to football. It isn't my game. What is your game? I rather like chess. - Chess. - Chess. I'm teaching your mother to play. (Jeff) 'And, uh, how is mother coming along?' I keep forgetting not to put things where he can take them. - It takes practice. - 'Oh, sure, sure.' You'll be surprised what a difference ten or fifteen years can make in your game. Yes, indeed. Uh, you, you kids aren't hungry by any chance, are you? - No. - Not me. No. I have a surprise for you. The Dean has asked us all over for tea. It's an opportunity for him to meet Susan and Jeff. Yes, of course. So, tea at the Dean's, on our very first day here. I bet there's something doing in Digby every single minute, isn't there? We keep pretty busy. Like, there's a Monday night physiological research group. The Thursday evening economic forum. Many other student activities and let me see.. Oh ,yes. This winter is a diversion. We're having a series of lectures on music appreciation. Gee, did you hear that, Jeff? Yeah. Oh, you picked a honey of a spot to write in, mom. There's certainly nothing here to distract you. He's joking, isn't he? (Jo) 'How do you mean?' Surely, you're not going on with your writing? Not going writing? That's a strange notion, Michael. Where did you get it? Before, you had to. To make a living, but now there's no reason for it. Well, that's not the point. There are few enough good writers without your crossing mom off the list. I intend to support Jo myself. Well, I'm sorry, but I-- Michael and I will discuss this later. Besides, kids, I'm written out and lectured out and a vacation will be good. This graveyard is getting you already. Just a minute. Jo has the right to live her life. You can't make her give up her career. I did not marry her career. It's none of your business. - And frankly, I think.. - Stop it. - But really, mom. - Stop it, mean it, so help me. Come dear, we'd better get ready for the Dean's tea. Yes, of course. - Poor mother. - That's awful. Yeah. A genius like mother and he'd make her stop writing. Su, we've got to get her out of this. Don't be silly, she doesn't want to get out of it. Did you see how she looked at him? Temporary infatuation. Can't be anything else. Jeff, they're married and that's not temporary. - It could be. - Jeff. Su, for her sake, we've got to think in terms of a year or two from now. By then, she'll be ruined. Her career, everything. What are we going to do? We're going to blow this fellow up with his own chemicals. Breakup their marriage. Right. Gee, I don't know if we should. Of course we should. Do you want to save her or not? - Of course I do. - Alright, then you're with me? I guess so. You won't get sentimental and want to back out. No, it's for mother. Alright. Now, this may sound adolescent but I think we'll need a password. Why? If you do start to go chicken on me I can spring it on you and get you back on the bean. Okay. Oh, how about "They scrape a ton of rust a year "from an iron bridge over the Yukon?" Anything you say Jeff. There ought to be an answer to show you get it. Why not just be offhand and say, "No doubt you're right." Okay, now, if you show signs of weakening, I say "They scrape a ton of rust a year--" "From an iron bridge over the Yukon--" And you say.. "No doubt you're right." I am born in Paris. Oh, really. Only I come here for my education. Paris was my home for several years. [speaking in foreign language] Could I come sometime, just to talk? Ha-ha. In a word, oui. Oh, merci, madame, merci. You've done wonders with the place, darling. Just talent, dear, just talent. Who was at the door? Oh, a boy with the kids' trunks. Jo, about Susan and Jeff.. Oh, I think they're sorry about the way they talked that day. They've been nice and quiet for some time now. Yes, but there's still a lot of tension between us. Oh, I'm sorry. They must seem like little fiends to you. Jo, sometimes I think you don't appreciate those kids. If you did, you couldn't call them little fiends. What? You see, you've got to understand the adolescent mind. Our marriage, the sudden transition to a new home 'must have been a terrific shock to Susan and Jeff.' 'Naturally, they were on the defensive.' And, furthermore, perhaps I was a little to blame myself. I'd like to do something to help them adjust themselves. I'll go upstairs and talk to them right now. That's the answer. Meet them halfway. Michael. Sometimes I think you're just wonderful. [knock on door] Come in. - Susan, Jeff. - Yes, Michael. I just dropped in for a little chat. You might call it a heart to heart talk. Why, sit down. Oh ,thank you, Jeff. Um, I've been thinking about this little tension that exists between us and I realize it's as much my fault as it is yours. Oh, I wouldn't say that. Well, I do. After all, this happened suddenly and it hasn't been an easy re-adjustment for you to make. That is true, Michael. So, speaking man to man-- Ah, let's keep it heart to heart so that she can be in too. Ah, yeah. I want you to know, I'm gonna try and try hard to make this work out well, and I...I want to ask you to meet me half way. Why? We'll be glad to meet you half way. We'll meet you two-thirds of the way, Michael. Ah, this may sound silly and sentimental kids, but.. Put it there. Now that we're friends. There's something I'd like to suggest. It'll make your mother happy if you enroll in college here. Oh, now wait a minute, friendship is friendship but-- Ah, darling don't be hasty. Just think of the interesting facts one can learn in college. Why just the other day, a fellow said "That they scrape a ton of rust a year "from an iron bridge, over the Yukon." "Oh, no doubt you're right." Michael, I think we should go to college. And you Susan? Oh, yes, I think education does add certain of value to you. Fine, I'll tell the registrar this morning. See we're...we're pulling together already. - Put it there. - Ah, ha, ha. We've got him. You have something cooked up. What is it? [indistinct humming] Well? Look. If I know that faculty mind up Michaels. He'll miss the significance of mothers book completely. - So? - All he'll remember. Is some of the shocking incidents. Well, go on. For instance. Remember the character, Celeste? - Celeste, had no character. - That's the point. Now listen darling, we get Michael to read the book. And then, while he's still punchy. We casually let it drop that Celeste is mother. Jeff! And not only Celeste, Marie and Evon too. We'll tell him that this is really mother autobiography. Jeff, you can't. Well, who says we can't? Don't you want to help mother? - Oh, yes but-- - Alright. Then look at this way. It's our duty to use whatever weapons we've got. Oh, sometimes your ideas are so gruesome, you frighten me. - Can't miss kid. - Jeff, it's dynamite. - What if mother finds-- - If mother stays here. She'll never write another line. Yes, your right. When are you gonna pull it on him? Right now. [imitating Michael] "Oh, ah-ah this may sound silly and sentimental, but.." "Put her there." See you in college. Oh, get a load of this freshmen manual. - 68 rules. - All waiting to be broken. Um, what's your first class? Something to do with physics, I think. Oh, mine's contemporary playwright. Here that probably means Shakespeare. Oh, I think this is it. Well, carry on and no quarter. It's them or us. (Jeff) 'By the way.' You are a co-ed. You're a venomous thing to have in the family. You know that, don't you? Oh, this is the contemporary playwright's class, isn't it? Begins in five minutes. I can hardly wait. Cute kid. Yes-yes that's very interesting Miss Dough. Ah, who's that? That's Mr. Ferrell, the instructor. He might be worth spending a little time on. Don't build yourself up. It's against the rules to date members of the faculty. That settles it, he'll have my first free evening. You wouldn't like to bet on that, would you? Save your money, it's a sure thing. - Four bucks, says it isn't. - Six, seven. We'll give you two weeks to get a date with him. Just give me eight hours. You see, I happen to be free tonight. Easy money. And so, there are two reasons why the play we just analyzed marks an important milestone in the 'history of American Theatre.' 'First.' 'Ah.' Ah. First because in it the author Vincent Leech has honestly and uncompromisingly portrayed a group of people who are the product of the era in which they lived. Ah. I might even go so far as to say that. The plot of Leech's play could not have been written 'in any other era.' Pardon me. You don't seem to approve of my comments. Oh, that's alright. Go ahead. [all laughing] Now, for the second point. Do you think the play could've been written in any other era? Could have been? It was. It was stolen from Morteka, a 15th century Spanish playwright. [whistling] Well, there may be some slight coincidental similarities but-- Oh, it was no coincidence. Vince said that-- Uh.. - Vince? Did you say Vince? - Mm-hm. Vincent Leitch, the author. He's one of our best friends. Vince said, he stole everything but the nails from Morteka's coffin. [everyone laughing] [siren wailing] That bet's as good as won right now. She's got him so burned up that pulled out a fire truck. We can discuss Mr. Leitch's ethics at some future meeting. Now.. Ah. Uh, the second reason that this play important is that it shows that a man who has something to say will write a more honest play than a man who is writing merely for money. What's wrong with that? The reason Vince stole the play was he was frantic for money. Hisfiancwas howling for cash. 'His ex-wife was howling for alimony.' His creditors were laying for him in all his favorite bars. Also, he wanted to buy a pool table. [everyone laughing] [bell rings] Class dismissed. You're cooked. You might as well concede now. Don't spend your money yet, honey. See you outside. I understand that lost harvest is on a schedule for tomorrow. That's right, Ben Zimmerman's last play. That'll be interesting. A couple of weeks ago, Benny said that anyone who could interpret his play was a better man than he was. Benny? Wait a minute. Do you know him too? Benny? Ever since he was a reporter on the Bronx home news. - Oh, wait, Miss.. - Evans. Miss Evans, wouldn't it be possible for us to have a little talk about the play? I'd be delighted. I mean, sometime before tomorrow's class. - You can take me to dinner. - Oh, good. 21 faculty row, Professor Kingsley's house. I wouldn't want Kingsley to see me, there's a rule-- Say you dropped in for a cup of tea with Mrs. Kingsley. Eight for me, and two for you, and.. It's all arranged. You'll pick me up at 7:00 for dinner? Yes, yes, that's a date. Cute kid. Yeah. [whistling] Ah! What's here? Well, I'm doing my bit. How about you? I just performed a physics experiment. Well, how'd it work out? Did you hear that fire engine about half hour ago? - Yes. - That was my experiment. Mm-hm, well, we're doing alright. Let's go and see how Michael's coming along with his reading. Hop! Oh, hello. Ah, enjoying the book? How many of these are there? - Well, over a 100,000. - What? Oh, what's the matter? Well, in spots it is awfully frank. Well, mother was writing about how recent history caught up with the simple people in their own neighborhood of Paris. To do that, the people had to be written frankly. Couldn't you've left out some details. For example, incident between Celeste and the chestnut man. [Jeff laughing] 'That was the time mother fell for that cabinet minister.' Oh, yes. And the chestnut man got jealous. Yeah. Did you say mother? Well, yes. Didn't you recognize her? That's who Celeste is. Several of the characters are autobiographical. Uh, you remember Marie and Evan? They're both mother too. Jeff, maybe, you shouldn't. Michael might not understand. I certainly don't. Even if she were writing about herself why should she be all three characters? Oh, she had to split herself up. She said, people wouldn't believe one woman could cover so much territory. Don't misunderstand, Michael. The atmosphere of Paris was so infectious. - You know how Paris used to be. - You know mother. She likes to have a lot of men around. (Susan) 'She fell into the habit of inviting men for tea' 'and exchange of ideas.' Oh, I.. I don't think we should've mentioned this, Jeff. Oh, maybe you're right. Well, so long. Uh, you won't tell her, will you, Michael? Remember, we're all pulling together. [door closes] [instrumental music] [music continues] [dramatic music] [door bell dings] [dramatic music continues] (male #7) [speaking in French] (Jo) [speaking in French] [laughter] [both talking in French] What do you want? I just came by to have a cup of tea with Mrs. Kingsley. She's already having a cup with somebody else. [loud laughter] Oh, hello, Michael. This is Pepe Jerome, my husband Professor Kingsley. [speaking French] Pepe's in the midst of a wonderful story. Jo, I wanna talk to you. Let him finish it. I'll translate it for you later. [speaking in French] Pardon me for speaking in French but this is the kind of story that in English is just no good. [speaking in French] [imitating horse] [laughing] Oh, I'm sorry, darling. What was it? I just wanted to say that I won't be home for dinner. Excuse me. Hi. Would you mind walking a few steps behind me? Well, I'll walk in the opposite direction if that's your attitude. It's because of the rules. Oh, alright. - Good evening. - Good evening. Thinking of some place, where we won't be seen together. What's wrong with your apartment? That's another rule. It's either that or spend the evening single-pile. A couple of months later, Benny dropped by and said his play had been given the award. I'm glad you told me the inside on that. It'll help in class tomorrow. Specially, after the way you assassinated me today. - Oh, is this yours? - Mm-hm, it's a play, my first. How is it? - It's a good idea. - I'd like to read it. No, it's bad the way you knife your friends work. You'd murder me. No, I'd really like to read it. Right now. By the way, I could use an expert's reaction. Oh, now, wait a minute. Just knowing a few assorted of playwrights doesn't make me a genius. I warn you, it's135 pages. No, I, I can't stand to watch you suffer. I'll go find us some food. [laughs] [instrumental music] I think, the idea is wonderful. And some of the characters are great but.. I.. I know, it's not developed. It just doesn't seem to come off. But when I think about re-writing it, I.. Well, I don't know where to begin. Well, now take the character of Philip. Have you ever met a middleclass Frenchman? No...no, I guess I haven't, except in books, but.. Wait a minute, you have. You lived in France, didn't you? Are you too proud to accept a little help. - No, would you help me? - I'd love to. Oh, that would be wonderful, we'll make a great team. Only you're taking an awful chance. I don't mind. You don't know, how nice it is to meet somebody with a...future instead of a past. [sighs] [door opens] Hello, Michael. - Hello, still awake? - Mm-hm. - Did that raconteur stay long? - Hm-mm. He's a sweet boy. Terribly lonesome. Michael, why did you bring home all those copies of my book? We won't make any money, if we buy them all ourselves. If possible, I'd like to prevent anyone else around here from reading you. Is it that dull? Frankly, Jo, I find some of the incidents well...embarrassing. Michael, don't you see? The detail isn't important. The thing that matters is whether or not the book leaves the reader determined that what I saw happened in France, won't happen here. I'm sorry. It my opinion those incidents belong in a cheap magazine but nowhere else. Goodnight. Come on, Su. It's 4 O'clock. What about it? 4 o'clock is Michael baiting time. We can't rest on our laurels. We gotta keep after him. He's going to Chemistry conference this afternoon. There's nothing we can do, until he gets back. We could plan something for him to worry about while he's gone. Something on the, "When the cat's away" theme. Jeff, maybe we shouldn't ruin the conference for him. After all, he only gets his fill of chemists once a year. Hey, what's come over you the last couple of days, Su? Are you getting soft? No, I've just been busy, that's all. What's with you and this Tom? Well, I think his play has something and I wanna help him. What about your duty to mother? Jeff, there's something I wanna ask you. Do you think we were right in sending for Adam? Of course, we're right. Why? By the time he's through, marriage will be a shamble. Well, that's great, isn't it? I'm not so sure. Hey, have you doubted for a moment that Michael's a squirm? No, maybe a woman has her right to pick up the man she wants. Oh, nonsense. Mother had a light headed spell and made a mistake and we've got to fix it for her. Hey, "They scrape a ton of rust a year "from an iron bridge over the Yukon." Well, don't they? - I guess, you're right. - That's better. Come on. Tell me, Michael. Is this conference really important to you? Yes, it is important. Perhaps, it's worth it, after all. - Worth what? - Worth leaving your home. - Well, say-- - Say, unprotected. - You ready, Michael? - I think so. [knock on door] - What do you want? - Mrs. Kingsley, of course. [speaks in French] You can't see her, she's gotta get me to the station. Oh, is it that you're going away? Yes, it's that I'm going away. Obviously, it is more convenient that I come for tea later. [speaks in French] [orchestral music] See, what I mean. [train chugging] Michael, I was just thinking, this is our first parting. I'd be back in four days. Oh, even so, I hate having you leave on this formal note. Michael, you just can't go off while we're still being unpleasant to each other. I'd be imagining all kinds of things. You taking up to some hussy just for spite, things like that. Oh, I wouldn't do anything like that. - Jo. - Yes. I guess, I feel the same way you do. Oh, Michael.... I'm awfully glad we made up, I'm terribly sentimental about partings. - Goodbye, darling - Goodbye, bye. Bye. Parting is such a sweet sorrow. Goodbye. Goodbye, Susan and Jeff. Jo. Aha, reinforcements. Adam! It isn't you, it can't be. It's me, wait till I tell you about the job I've hooked up for you. (male #8) 'All aboard.' Can't you see how glad she's to see you, dope. Kiss her again. Oh, delighted. [dramatic music] [music continues] [snapping fingers] [snapping fingers] Tickets. Tickets, please. All the way to Philadelphia, sir? No, on the contrary, I'm getting out the next stop. If you're looking for the professor, he's fled. He went off to Philadelphia on some kind of an orgy. I'm Professor Kingsley. Well, glad to meet you, professor. - I'm Adam Trent, Jo's agent. - How do you do? - What happened to your party? - It was not a party. A meeting of the Society of American Chemists and I didn't go because something else came up. Anything serious? I hope not. You in town long? - Week, two weeks, three weeks. - Where are you staying? Right down the hall from you, they fixed me up in your study. Oh, where's Mrs. Kingsley? Jo? Uh, upstairs. Getting ready to go out. Didn't think he'd give up those chemists for anything. Hello, Michael. Wise move, Michael. Extremely wise move. You're just in time for the reunion party. Where are you going? The movies are on Wednesday's and Saturday nights. Is he kidding? We're going to a joint called The Pink Tiger. That road house, it's out of bounds. Sounds well. I can't be seen there. Matter of fact, neither can you. We've been there before. One more appearance won't hurt. Get your hat, Adam. - Uh, Michael. - Hm. Come this side. Whole thing, I think I gotta tell you. You're not handling this right, Michael. Jo! Oh, you look out of this world. [Jo chuckles] How much are you gonna take from that wolf? - The what? - That wolf. That home wrecker. (Jo) Michael. Oh, what happened? Something came up. I'll tell you all about it later. But I'm awfully glad you're back. Jo. What do you say, professor, you're coming? Or you gonna stay in with your homework? [jazz music] [music continues] Don't they injure themselves? I'm afraid your boyfriend's a square. Oh, my! Mr. Kingsley. Not mine! Babush! - Party? - Lead on. Let's dance, Jo. Plenty of room. You remember magazine called Topics? Do I? It broke my heart when it folded. It's being revived and I need an editor in chief. Adam, that's not the job you mentioned. - And it's for a big dollar. - You know, I can't take it. Oh, don't neglect it in such short notice, think it over. They dance well together, don't they? They've had so much practice. I don't see what's so good about it. Adam. No, let's not talk about it. Now, just think about it. Jo. Just like old times, we were terrific, weren't we? Don't mind Adam, he is insufferably good at little things, like dancing and ordering wine. Just give him something trivial enough and he'll excel at it. Something to drink, folks? Sarsaparilla, sarsaparilla, scotch and wine water. Not for me. I don't drink. It's probably well, drinking is one of the things I excel at, not that drinking is trivial. I didn't know, when you asked me to drink that you were trying to start a competition. Oh, of course, wasn't I? I just meant, you might absent mindedly start drinking drink for drink with me and end up on to the band stand. I guess, you've just made a ridiculous statement. How...how much do you weigh? There's 112 pounds of that is water. What proof is the liquor you drink? Scotch 86.6. Can you tell, if that is full strength? Well, naturally. That's full strength, alright. Just give me the.. Thanks. You're wrong. It's 63 proof. Must be diluted. Wrong bottle, I guess. It won't happen again. You see, he's a useful man to have around. Your blood pressure? - Normal. - Normal. [murmuring] Yes, yes. Speaking not just ideally, but scientifically I can tell you we would oxidize, you and I the same number of milligrams of alcohol per minute. 'The amount of scotch you could consume' could not possibly exceed what I could consume by more than.. ...three ounces. Look, but probably, you don't realize it but that's like claiming to be Napoleon. Your opinion is hardly an answer to scientific proof. Would you like to back up this childish theory? I certainly would. (Adam) 'Waiter, a bottle of scotch.' I've had a couple of drinks. That'll allow for the three ounces variation. But Michael, you're not an experienced drinker like Adam. Experience or no experience, I'm gonna prove to you that I'm right and he's wrong. [Jeff whistling] We will drink in a proximity of two ounce portions five minutes apart. To science. [coughing] [orchestral music] Hold the tiger Hold the tiger Hold the tiger Hold the tiger Hold the tiger [people applauding] [laughing hysterically] Uh, what's the joke? I'm laughing because I won. I'm exactly sober as he is. It's not that obvious to me, Michael. Why not. I can tell. Why can't you? A-a-are you sure you didn't forget to figure in something, Michael? Uh, your liver maybe. My liver's as big as his was any day. Of course, it is, darling. Even bigger, maybe. Tomorrow morning you'll have a bigger head too. Why don't you concede you've had enough and let's go home. She's saying that because she knows I wanna play bull fiddle. When a man wants to play bull fiddle. Who told you I wanted to play the bull fiddle? That's my secret. Michael, there's one way you can prove your point. And that is by walking a straight line. I shall be delighted. Uh, thank you, miss. And you know where the straight line leads, home. [orchestral music] Out of little toot, eh, professor? I'm not on a little toot. I'm devoting the evening to science. I wish I had half the science in me, you have. Jo! [orchestral music] Jo! - 'Are you ready?' - All set. [drum roll] How'd you like this, big liver? [people applauding] That'll teach you to tango with a man of science. [everyone laughing] Where did we leave off? You were discussing C2H6O. C2H6O. You know what that is, professor? It's the symbol for pure alcohol. [all laugh] 'Will, uh..' Will the class come to order? The reason for analyzing C2H6O is to combine with hydrogen it forms ether. A highly useful agent. Now, will you please, uh, copy these symbols I-m-I'm going to put on the blackboard. I saw it with my own eyes. That is a slanderous lie. Not Kingsley. If you don't believe me, watch this. [laughing] Hey, Su. What's the matter? I can't take much more of this. We're destroying that poor guy. Not just his marriage but his career too. Well, the end justifies the means. - I'm not so sure anymore. - Oh, look. The way we're going, we'll be in New York in a couple of weeks. Well, that's another thing I want to talk to you about. Whatever happens, I'm not going back to New York until the semester's over. Oh, look, little one, you and I, better have a nice long talk. I haven't time. I promised Tom, I'd drop by with notes. That's why you don't want to go to New York? - That dope playwright. - He's not a dope. And he's not a playwright. However, you'll get your perspective back when you get away from this small town atmosphere. Look, has it ever occurred to you that something good or somebody interesting could exist outside of a big city? Yes, it occurred to me. But I never gave it a second thought. Oh, you're impossible. [knocking on the door] 'Hi, Susan.' Here's one other research for the conferencing. Oh, swell. I'm almost up to that. I'll bring you the rest, this afternoon. Hey, what's the matter? You look miserable. - Michael? - Mm-hm. He's gonna be called on the carpet of the faculty meeting, this afternoon. - There's a rule-- - Rules, rules for the faculty. - Rules for the students. - Tom. If I seem a bit rabid on this subject it's because I've been thinking a lot about them lately. Eight dried up old trustees around a table, try to legislate that I shall never meet you, and never talk to you that you must never enter this apartment. If I'd paid attention, I would've missed something that's very important. Well, anyway, that's my case against the rules. Oh, it's a wonderful case. Furthermore, I've.. I've broken one rule they didn't think of. I've fallen in love with you. Tom, promise me something. What? That you'll think about it. I have. [opera music] I wonder what the trustees would say about that. [music continues] Howdy. - Well, hello, Jeff. - Uh, see, Tom, I, uh.. I just happened to be passing by, and, uh.. Well, Tom, there's something I think I should tell you. Oh. It's a little silly, but, uh.. I happen to know Susan's kind of hurt because you haven't read mother's latest. Really? Oh, I've been meaning to read it, of course, but.. Why is Su hurt? As though she'd written it. Oh, no, no, but, uh, well, so much of it is about her. - Really? - Oh, uh.. [everyone laughing] [speaking in French] [speaking in French] [grunting] You! I have to ask you to leave. - Michael. - Very well. - Don't go, Pepe. - Bon, I stay. - Bon, you go. - Just a minute, Pepe. I just remembered I left the water running in the bathtub. Lovely time. Au revoir. - Au revoir. Au revoir. - Michael cut off-- I'll take this up later. I wanna have a word with Trent. - Have two. - Very well, I will. Pack! Leave! Alright, alright, in a few days. Today. If you don't I.. I may be forced to injure you. - You looking at the fire tongs? - I am. Well, perhaps I'd better.. ...pack, leave. Now, perhaps, you'll explain this tantrum. Alright, I propose to do two things. First, I'm dissolving your little circle of admirers before it gets any bigger. - My circle of what? - Second. Unless you change, I'm through. Unless you stop issuing ultimatums, I'm through. If you change, I still want you. You still want me? That's a ray of hope. What are these changes you demand? I want you to stop encouraging people like that.. ...drunkard and that junior wolf, from hanging around you. Furthermore, I want you to adopt English as the language of the house. Michael, I-I-I'm trying very hard to understand. Can you possibly believe that there's anything serious between Adam and me? Or between Pepe and me? I don't know whether it's serious, but I know that you.. ...you like to have men surrounding you. You like to be admired by them, flattered by them. Maybe your life in some cheap little bohemian sext Paris but it can't go on here. - Are you sure about this? - I ought to be sure. Your little weakness has cost the respect of the faculty my students, almost my job. You're convinced you really know me? 'Of course.' Michael, what you know about me wouldn't stuff an olive. From the time I met you, you've seemed to me a trifle academic and well, stuffy. Outwardly, you've been in character as a chemistry professor. Even to coming home occasionally smelling a little oddly. Hydrogen sulfide, I can't help. Underneath, I've seen the man who grabbed me by the hand and led me to a creature, like a couple of moonstruck kids. Made no difference to you, we'd only known each other few days. Even though you'd never broken lose or done anything impetuous you did it, then, and it was lovely. Jo, I was in love with you. You were in love with me. I guess that's what's wrong. You were in love then and you were different then. Now, you've gone back to being.. Michael, I just can't take the man that was talking now. I asked you for a normal wife, I can love and trust. All I want is a husband who trusts me. I do trust you, Jo. If you explain why you encourage them hang around you always. I'm not going to explain anything, Michael. That's not my definition of trust. Is that your last word in the matter? Yes, it is. - No! - What's the matter with you? I thought, it might be that Michael fellow. He's been threatening to bash my head with the fire tongs. Michael? Nonsense. Hey, what's going on here? I'm preparing to escort Jo, back to New York, for good. - Huh? - Jo! New York! - How did you do it? - Michael did. He went berserk and talked her into it. Then, she's gonna take that magazine job? - Practically? - Adam, we've done it. We solid have. Back to New York. I can't believe it. I.. Hey, does Susan know about this? No, she went over that playwright fella's house. For the last time, that's fixed. When she's back, she'll be anxious as we are to get out of town. Come on, help me get ready. [dramatic music] Stick close to me. The mad professor might be lurking in the halls. No! Protect me, lad. That chemist's there with the fire tongs. He's run amok. Protect you! I'm the one who needs protection. You.. Oh, you mustn't commit fratricide, darling. Not until you're 21, anyway. You double-crossing little worm. - Don't get excited so-- - What's all the snarling about? He pulled that book routine on Tom. Tom fell for it. He did? He's got a lot of nerve thinking those things about a nice girl like you. You're well rid of him. Yes, it worked. I'm through with Tom. But don't you look so smug. Because you've accomplished something you hadn't figured on. You've made me realize how wrong we've been about mother. You did to me what we're doing to her. And for my money, it's a dirty trick. Well, there's no point in discussing it now, honey. Jo's coming to New York with me, tonight. What? She had a brawl with Michael. They're all washed up. - I don't believe you. - Well, ask Jo. I will. And furthermore, I'm going to tell her the whole story. If I could keep love outta my business I'd be a wealthy man. Hey, we gotta stop her from spilling the beans. It's too late now. [door opens] Found it on the dresser. "Dear, kids, I just can't face another scene "so by the time you read this, I'll be on a train. "Tell Adam I'll phone him in New York. "Right now, all I want is to get away some place. "Where I can figure out what hit me. "You stay here until I send for you. "I love you, Jo. "P.S. Just for the record kids. "My quarrel with Michael was not your fault. "It was about something basic. "Something with which you two were not concerned. "So be nice to him, Jo." I guess, that tells it, kids. Well.. So long. I should have thrown it out and fried the feathers. Oh, it's not your fault. This bird's all muscle. He never lost a fight. Ha-ha-ha. Well, cheer up. You're doing better than you did, a week ago. Jeff, I'm sick about this whole thing. And I have a sneaking suspicion you don't feel too good, either. Well.. You're late for dinner. I've been grading examination papers. Here, have something to eat. I guess, I'm not hungry. Thank you. Did you happen to notice if we flunked? You, uh, passed, I think. There must be some way we can patch it up between you and mother. I'm afraid not. Anyway, don't you and Jeff worry about it. 'You did all you could to help.' What was it you quarreled about? She started collecting admirers. 'You know, the thing you warned me about.' Then it was our fault. Michael, Jeff and I are to blame for all this. - We lied to you. - What? Oh, well, maybe we exaggerated a little. Shut up. You and your iron bridge. We are responsible for this. We put the doubt in your mind. There wasn't anything wrong in having those people for tea. - I saw it with my own eyes. - You just imagined it. She was probably just being friendly with that student-- I didn't imagine about that Adam. "He practically told me outright, how things stood." He had one interest. A new job for her and 10% for himself. It's good to make me feel better. But since Jo's gone, there's no point in talking about it. Oh, Michael, really you've made a mistake about her. [door opens] - Susan, I've to talk to you. - We have nothing to discuss. - Come on. - Let go of me. - Hand her, you-- - Shut up. And you keep out of this too. Susan, I had to.. Sit down. I'd to talk to you. I could kill your brother. Not been able to sleep. I lie, wondering is it true, your past was that lurid. Wondering is it true about that pawnbroker. What pawnbroker? The one that committed suicide in your mother's book. Oh, that pawnbroker. Even though your own brother told me I, I can't believe it of you. Even if I believed it, it won't matter, because I love you. Would you mind repeating that last part again? I love you. You're a dope. But at least you say the right things at the right time. - Tom, I got it. - What, where are you going? I've got some family problem to settle. - Do you mind waiting? - It'll be a pleasure. I'm gonna tear that brother of yours, limb from limb. - You, you won't object? - Oh, help yourself. Michael.. - You want her back, don't you? - Of course. It's simple. Get on a train, go and tell her, you love her. That's all you'll have to say. Just plain "I love you." - Might be worth a try. - Certainly it is. It worked on me and it'll work on her. Susan, I, I think I will. I'll go right away. I'll go tonight. That's the spirit. I'll, I'll get it. Oh, Jeff. Isn't it swell? I know everything's going to work out. - What do you want? - Oh, I have a message from Jo. Oh. Hello, Thomas. You still here? [Tom laughing] Did I say something funny? How are you, Jeff, my lad. Hello, Susan. - Adam. - Is mother with you? Don't be silly. Don't think, I'd fumble this. I've been working on her, since she left. Everything's great. You've probably been lying your head off. Jo's filed suit for divorce. - You put her up to that. - It was nothing really. (Michael) 'Where is Jo?' In a little hideaway, resting up after her ordeal. I've got to talk to her. She mentioned that she wouldn't see you under any circumstance. It's about the effect of your face on her nerves. Mother couldn't have said anything like that. Just show up at the court hearing, professor. Everything will be arranged. No fuss, no bother, no waiting. Unless of course you insist on alimony. I think once before I brought up the subject of injuring you. You needn't worry about the fire tongs. This is all I need. All of a sudden, I wish, I had done that. Why don't you admit that they don't scrape a ton of rust from that silly bridge. Oh, Jeff. There must be some way we can keep Michael in the family. Well, it would take a lot of fixing but.. It could be. Could be. Now, Susan? Oh, Jeff, you're definitely on Michael's side, aren't you? Sure, sure. You wouldn't let any, uh, any bitterness change your mind? Of course not. Alright, done. Now. - Joke? - Huh. [utensils clattering] Jeffrey, what are you doing in the fireplace? I am imitating a burning log. Hurry up. We're late. If you people hadn't wasted half day on that silly detail. Detail. How do you like that guy? There's the court calendar. - Uh, Judge Kelly's our man. - See you later, darling. - 'I'm sorry, no.' - 'Please, ma'am.' We just got to see the judge. We just go to. - We just got to, that's all. - I've told you, he's busy. I'm sorry. [dramatic music] Judge, please. - 'What's all this?' - They broke in. I know we shouldn't have, but I had to.. - ...for my sister's sake. - Alright, let 'em come in. Well, thank you. Very much. Go on, explain. Well, sir, it's about mommy and daddy. I guess you'd know them better as Kingsley versus Kingsley. What versus? That means against, Susie. Kingsley versus Kingsley means, daddy against mommy. Oh. See? (Jeff) 'Her little heart's breaking.' Is that the case on my calendar this afternoon? - Uh-huh. - Mm-hm. Oh, Judge, you can't let 'em do it. Now that they're mad at each other, they don't care about us. (Jeff) 'Nobody cares about us.' Each one of them is gonna take one of us. We'll be...we'll be waifs of divorce. Could you.. Could you tell me.. Tell me why they wanna leave each other? Mm-hmm. You see, every evening while daddy was reading his paper.. Mom would take a hot bath. Then when daddy took his bath, there was never any hot water. Don't forget the part about leaving the soap mushy. Yeah, but it was mostly about the hot water. Well, then, one evening, daddy bored her out. Louder than usual. And mom said, "which would you rather have "me or a hot bath?" Daddies like that. He sure does like a hot bath. Could you do something, sir? Your honor, sir. I'll do the best I can, sonny. Kingsley versus Kingsley. Don't be nervous. This is just a formality. Just a rubber stamp. Jo.. [gavel banging] Everybody rise. Josephine Kingsley. (Judge) 'Michael Kingsley.' You ought to be ashamed of yourselves. 'Do you realize that it's couples like you' 'that are rapidly destroying everything sacred' in the marriage vows? Do you realize that you represent another American home 'being split as sunder for no sensible reason?' How can you.. How can you selfishly bring loneliness 'and heart break to your children?' 'Leaving them helpless.' Veritable.. Uh, veritable waifs of divorce. That's rot. They can take care of themselves in a lions cage. That's a fine attitude for a mother to take. There's nothing wrong with her. Furthermore don't talk to her that way. - Michael. - As long as she is my wife. Let, let me appeal to you as sensible people. As parents. Doesn't, doesn't the thing you quarreled about seem unimportant now? Yes, it does. Jo, I was wrong. Every time I thought about the way you described yourself in your book, it drove me crazy. Described myself? Oh, you know, the character, Celeste. 'The kids said that you were Marie and Evan too.' What's all this got to do with who takes the hot bath? You got me, Judge. They, they did say later that's exaggerated. Exaggerated? I'll say they exaggerated. Oh, darling, no wonder you thought, what you thought. - Not okay, Jo. - 'Oh, you keep out of this.' Yeah, you keep out of this. - T-then it is untrue, isn't it? - Michael, does it matter? No, it doesn't. Because I love you. Oh! Oh, then I can tell you. Those little swine made up the whole thing. Your honor, we've made a mistake. Is it alright, if we asked you to dismiss the case? I'll dismiss the case on one condition. (Jo) 'Yes.' From now on, promise to leave some hot water for your husband. Well, Judge, if it'll make you any happier, I'll promise. (Judge) 'Case dismissed.' There's just one piece of unfinished business. That's for me. Mm, well, there goes 10% of my life. When you know the facts, the divorce can be prevented. You're right, judge. I think, I can congratulate myself on having restored happiness to a couple of innocent youngsters. (Jeff) Don't! No! Don't! [indistinct shouting] No! [indistinct chatter] Oh, the most outrageous performances I've ever seen. [shouting] Jeepers! A dead end. Now, wait a minute, Michael. Couldn't we talk this over? - Man to man. - Mm-hm. - 'I'll, I'll meet you halfway.' - Mm-hmm. Now, look, no atrocities. Father! Hey, stop beating my wife. Tom! [orchestral music]