Oct 7, 2007

All the candidates appeared in drag at the Republican presidential debate at Rudolph Guiliani's insistence.

"I just don't think we are being fair to female voters by constantly appearing as men," the former mayor of New York said. "And I don't know about any of the other guys, but I am certainly more comfortable in a strapless evening gown than a suit and tie."

Guiliani's insistence on the drag debate mystified the other Republican campaigns since his honor is the ugliest man in drag this side of John Madden in a halter top. Just looking at Guiliani in his Marilyn Monroe get up is enough to give decent people a coldsore, and a burning sensation when urinating.

Nonetheless, his opponents were game, and each showed a flair and creativity of his own.

Duncan Hunter made a bold statement showing up in an ensemble inspired by Kathy Bates in MISERY. He wore knit turtleneck with a shapeless jumper accessorized with a sledgehammer. While he did not use the hammer during the debate, the implied threat of violence went over well with the GOP audience. If elected, he would be expected to follow through on that foot though.

Mitt Romney came in a pantsuit borrowed from Paula Poundstone, which caused some controversy with the judges--was he really in drag if he was wearing what is essentially a man's suit? Romney escaped disqualification when the judges decided that since he borrowed the suit from Poundstone, and she is technically a woman, he was in fact in drag.

There was an awkward moment when both Enis Huckabee and Cleatus van Brownback showed up dressed as Minnie Pearl from HEE HAW. Making matters worse, Brownback noticed Huckabee had a far more ample bosom, sure to draw votes in the key demographic of guys who have chrome silhouettes of naked women on their mudflaps.

Brownback regained soon ground when each of the candidates were asked to squeal like a pig like Ned Beatty in DELIVERANCE, and Brownback was the only one to strip down to his tidy whities just as Beatty did in the film.

Ron Paul also showed up in a hillbilly themed outfit--BEVERLY hillbilly. His Granny Clampett frock and hat were the talk of all the ladies in the audience, as was his decision to appear in the original black and white.

For our own dear Fred "Gopher" Thompson, the decision about what to wear was a no-brainer: he reprised his role of "Momma" from THROW MOMMA FROM THE TRAIN.

"I still had the wig somewhere and I wear that pink robe everyday, so what the hell," Fred said.

The most curious choice was John McCain, who came as the president's mother, Barbara Bush.When asked why he chose the president's mother as his role model, McCain said, "Frankly, I do not know. But President Bush told me to wear this, and the last time I ignored his advice, he had my dog killed. My kids were inconsolable for weeks. I was really worried when he said I needed a pearl necklace to go with the outfit until I saw he meant, you know, actual pearls..."An added layer of irony in the choice of Barbara Bush is the rumor that has circulated for years that Mrs. Bush is actually a man, veteran character actor Vincent Gardenia, who plays the elder president Bush's wife from time to time to deflect questions about his personal life.

Why Gopher?

America needs a president who knows how to ACT presidential and yet remember he is a public servant. Fred Thompson knows how to serve--he carried the bags of countless B list celebrities on THE LOVE BOAT. In the twilight of his life, he showed his commitment to law and order on the long-running TV show LAW & ORDER.

He also served the public as a congressman from Iowa and as a talk radio host in a small East Coast town.