Support For Abused Women

Group Helps Victims Understand Destructive 'Relationship Addiction'

But while they may be miserable, these women will not leave their men.

Most are stuck in destructive relationships. Others in normal relationships can't enjoy them because they are too obsessed trying to please their partners.

They are addicts. And Mona Brinkman, a Kissimmee mental health counselor, wants to help.

''We see relationship addiction as a disease,'' Brinkman said. ''They give up so much of themselves that they become dysfunctional. The women we typically see are women who cannot end these relationships without support.''

Brinkman is with Central Florida Chemical Dependency and Mental Health Services. She said men can suffer from the problem, too, but usually only women seek help.

Brinkman takes out newspaper ads explaining relationship addiction and offering group counseling. She holds free weekly sessions for the dozen or so women who show up, believing they are addicted to relationships. Many of those people also wind up in regular therapy, she said.

Sufferers say the problem is not to be treated lightly. Mary, 35, has thought about killing herself because of it.

Mary's parents taught her to please everyone. She said her life has been spent taking that to excess. She tolerated her first husband's affair and has focused her life around others.

''I always had to be available for anyone and everyone,'' Mary said. ''The more you keep doing, the emptier you become. You want to please everyone around you, no matter what it takes away from yourself.''

One day she realized she had lost sight of herself and her life. ''You lose the joy of the little things,'' she said. ''You end up being nothing. You put your life in the background.''

People similar to Mary are afraid of intimacy, Brinkman said. They surround themselves in misery so they don't have to worry about getting close to anyone, including themselves.

''It's what they're used to, what they grew up with,'' Brinkman said. ''They're addicted to chaos in their lives.''

People addicted to relationships often have received little love themselves, Brinkman said. They try to fill the void by caring for others.

She said these people have low self-esteem and feel they don't deserve to be happy. One way to help is to teach them to focus on themselves rather than others, Brinkman said.

''Hopefully, what's going to come out of this is that I will come to terms with myself,'' said Sally, who attends the sessions. ''It's a matter of finding the right way.''

Sally said she often fights with her husband and is sometimes abused by him. But she has stayed with him.

''A lot of these women are afraid to leave,'' Sally said. ''If they leave, that's it. There will be nothing. When you become so involved in this type of relationship, you have the stress, the excitement. You don't want to have to deal with yourself.''

Sally said she will work on her self-confidence and do things that are more for herself in the future.

Jo, 50, isn't sure what the group will do for her, but she knows she needs help.

She was widowed after 29 years of marriage. After being alone for years, she met a man she thought would improve her life. Jo devoted herself to him but the man gave little in return.

He played around and then left.

''The guy was a lady's man,'' Jo said. ''I believed everything that was said. I never hurt that bad in my life.''

She is trying to learn whether she is too trusting, too gullible. ''I need to learn to avoid it. If that's an unhealthy part of me, I need to be healed. I need to learn not to do it anymore.''

The group sessions have helped, she said. But only time will tell if they help enough.