Gentrification at its pretentious best.

ISIS Claim Responsibility For Gastro Attack Inside The Bachelor House

The Bachelor TV set is in lockdown tonight and filming for the final episodes has been halted after a dangerous biological attack tore apart The Bachelor’s pads.

Clean-up crews have been moved into the Spanish themed fuck mansion in the semi-rural NSW suburb of Glenorie and members of the production team, along with NSW Police, have been seen entering and leaving the property over the last 24 hours, all wearing protective gear.

Those involved with the series have been tight-lipped when questioned by waiting media as to the full details, but according to a source close to the crew, a powerful new biological weapon (understood to be called ‘E Coli’) was planted in food and delivered to the house by members of a local terror cell, reportedly dressed as caterers.

Late last night, ISIS, an Islamic comedy troupe, released a well-produced thirty minute slapstick video claiming responsibility for the attack and abhorring the show as ‘the worst example of humanity’. Police have been reviewing the tape and have confirmed its authenticity, accuracy and hilarity. They will be preparing a a short video in response and have are said to have enlisted the help of several prominent screenwriters.

ISIS, who are are well known for claiming responsibility for anything that goes wrong around the world, have lately been losing influence after boastful claims of involvement in anything from sewage leaks to punctured tyres.

One neighbour, Ken Oath, described chaotic scenes inside the house:

“It was bloody horrible, there were these spurting noises and a lot of yelling and screaming so we rang police who said they were aware of the issue and plumbers were en route.”

Luckily, Mr Oath was able to get a closer view with a pair of binoculars before curtains were drawn…

“Do you remember the end of E.T where there was tubes everywhere in Elliot’s house and everyone was wearing hazmat suits? … yeah well it’s like that in there right now. I could barely see through the windows due to the brown hand prints and smears.”

Channel Ten could not be reached for comment as they’re on the top floor and the lift was broken.

The stairs were also out of order.

ISIS have also claimed responsibility for the malfunctioning lift and stairs and are currently working with Hollywood director, Michael Bay, on a new video surrounding the controversy.