Catholic University Still Full of Sex, Sex, Sex

Earlier this year, Catholic University president John Garvey vowed to get rid of co-ed dorms, lest his school further descend into the depths of liquor-soaked "nun and priest"-themed heterosexual orgies. Is mere sexxxual segregation enough to tame the devilish sexxx hormones of sexxxy young sexxx-crazed students at the very peak of their sexxxuality?

Inside Higher Ed visited the hormone-drenched campus to see how the single-sexxx dorms are affecting students (sexxx-wise). Even these Jesus-positive kids agree: no amount of sexxx-gregation can stop them from fucking, drinking, fucking, and fucking some more, and then drinking.

"If people want to have sex they are going to have sex," said Melissa Reid, a freshman living in the all-female Ryan Hall. Reid, who goes to Mass nearly every other day, said she talked about the policy in one of her psychology classes recently. Nearly all the students, including Reid, agreed that this housing change will not stop students from having sex or drinking. "If you have to separate people to prevent that then what are you saying about those people?" she said.

I'll tell you exactly what they're saying about "those people (meaning Melissa Reid)," Melissa: they're saying that they know damn well that no amount of tearful daily prayer to Jesus himself can stop the all-consuming sexxxual desire raging inside your sinful soul. Who are all of these "people" who "want to have sex," Melissa? Is there something you want to tell us? We're totally not religious at all, so you can tell us anything. Anything, Melissa. We have our own apartment, btw.

Look at the bright side, president John Garvey: all of this surreptitious Catholic U heterosexual fucking may cut back slightly on the surreptitious Catholic U homosexual fucking.