I just can't deal with this anymore...he continues to poop and pee all over his room, I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of it and tired of him waking me up 50 times a night just to yell at me over nothing! I can't I just can't do this anymore!

11 Comments

There are ways to deal with dad taking off his underwear, but they involve a lot of hands on work that may not be safe for you according to your post. There are depends that he could wear and there are adult onesies that snap in the back, so the patient is not able to remove them, but, if you have a resistant or aggressive person to contend with, it may not be the best route to take. I'd explore an assessment to see what level of care that he needs. If he doesn't need skilled nursing care, then, I'd look at Memory Care. Considering his behavior, regular AL may not be adequate. The facilities can give you their information and what forms of payment they accept. In my state, there is a Medicaid type program that pays for Memory Care is managed by our county/state Dept. of Social Services. I'd start there.

I would discuss this with his doctor and make sure the behavior is duly noted. You will likely need documentation from his doctor as to what his needs are.

His behavior is not uncommon for people with dementia. His doctor may be able to prescribe medication that would help with his sleep disorder and agitation.

cinnycq, if Dad cannot afford to move into a continuing care facility, where he will get a higher level of care that most of us caregivers are unable to give, then have Dad apply for Medicaid.

Depending on your State Medicaid, and what programs are available, Medicaid will pay for your Dad's care in a nursing home. That's a huge plus.

Otherwise, if you feel you can't part with Dad and want to keep him at home, take Dad to the doctor to see if the doctor could prescribe something to calm Dad down. And there are pills to help one not have the need to go pee as often.

Also time to start Dad on wearing Depend type underwear. Depends makes throw-away garments that look just like regular underwear. If Dad refuses to wear them, then remove all of his regular underwear and only have the Depends in the drawer.

Thank you, I appreciate everyone's advice. I could never just abandon him, I don't have the heart for that.... he is my dad. I am however going to try and find help for him, but as to where and what type of help I'm just not there yet. I know he has Medicare but not sure if that pays to keep him in a long term nursing home. I've called a few and I can't believe how expensive it is. I can't afford to pay anything out of pocket. My husband and I barely make it living paycheck to paycheck.

Are you in the US? (Sometimes that makes a difference in our answers.)

Most person with dementia reach a point where their problems cannot be handled by one caregiver in a private home. This has nothing to do with the level of love or commitment of the caregiver. It is the nature of the disease.

Your father needs to be in a long-term care facility of some kind. Not Your Fault, and Not His Fault. It is just the reality of the situation.

As Kimber says, the next time he is belligerent, call 911 (999?) and have him removed for your safety. Then do not accept him back in your home. Or call social services and ask for a needs assessment for your father. They will probably determine that he needs to be in a facility -- especially if you explain that you cannot get adequate sleep and cannot function well enough to deal with him.

Or call the agency that deals with Aging in your area.

Or call the nearest organization that deals with dementia and ask their advice. (Such as Alzhiemer's Association, Lewy Body Dementia association, etc.)

You options may be a little different depending where you are. But DO SOMETHING soon. This cannot continue indefinitely.

Cinny, from your reply to Pam Stegman's advice, it sounds as if you think dementia isn't a psychiatric illness.

But it IS.

Your father is physically and verbally abusive. It isn't his fault that he is, he is not to blame, but that doesn't make his behaviour any less abusive. You have every right to protect yourself; and he has every right to be protected from himself. These are the reasons why you MUST get help.

So: Baker Act, social services, ER - you have a number of options. I'd go for calling social services and asking their advice, myself, but please pick one of them anyway!

I'm so sorry. I know you are going through a lot and its overwhelming and exhausting. Its never easy dealing with incontinence issues. In the last month of my dad's life he was having accidents. He had heart failure. I wonder if you dad might be having a similar issue.

Please get social services involved. A doctor. Access any community resources. Its hard to carry on without any supports. You are dad needs more care and it can't be all on you. You have been a devoted daughter. Do not feel bad if you need to the help of nursing home.

When he yells - call 911, have them take him in and do not go with him to ER. Do not bring him home - tell the social worker at the hospital that you can no longer take care of him. Do it now before you either get hurt or blow up.

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