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Feeling like you want to break up with someone is agonising enough. If that person also happens to have depression, then the feeling comes shrouded in an extra jazzy cloak of guilt, shame, and feeling like you’re kicking The Andrex Puppy in the face.

Statistics from NHS Digital suggest that one in six of us in the UK is struggling with a mental health problem at any one time (and that’s only those of us diagnosed or reporting it to a GP, so the real number is likely to be much higher), which means that chances of your partner having poor mental health are reasonably high.

Ending a relationship is always going to be difficult, and if you’re ending a relationship with someone who’s depressed then you probably feel (quite rightly, well done you) that you need to take a bit of extra care when you bite the bullet, as your partner’s not exactly having a great time already.

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Feeling like you can’t leave them on their own when they’re already miserable, and wondering who the bloody hell’s gonna look after them once you’ve made a break for it, can all lead to you staying in a relationship longer than you truly want to, and ultimately prolonging the pain for both of you.

So if you want to end a relationship with someone who has depression, how in fresh hell are you meant to do it?

Amanda Perl from Counselling Directory has got your back – and she’s got qualifications and everything. She tells Metro.co.uk: ‘The main reason we feel guilty when wanting to end a relationship with a depressed person is due to over-identifying with feelings of sadness, loss, grief and emptiness. You may be recalling times when your own thoughts followed a downward negative spiral that made the world appear frightening and hostile, and feel empathy as you can’t imagine how you may have coped with a breakup when you were feeling so closed off to the world.’

For Nirma* who broke up with her boyfriend when he was depressed, it went much further than that.

‘It got to the stage where he had just stopped caring about everything – including me,’ she says. ‘No matter how hard I tried to be there for him he’d just push me away. Once it started to affect my mental and physical health (I gained weight and lost hair) I knew it was time to call it quits.

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‘His depression delayed my decision to end things for almost a year, though. I felt so guilty for wanting to leave for something that wasn’t his fault, and I was just trying to cling on to the person I knew he could be. I thought I was such a horrible person for not sticking by him, but I just couldn’t cope.

‘I recognise now that you really don’t have to suffer with someone to be able to help them. Because of my decision, we’re both in a better place.’

But there are so many different interpretations of depression – it’s a sinister sodding beast that affects everyone who suffers from it in different ways, and can of course go much further than even what Nirma described. It’s possible for someone to feel depressed without feeling suicidal, but on the other side of this super-fun coin, they might well do.

‘One of the reasons people find it so hard to break up with a depressed person is the risk of suicide,’ adds Amanda. ‘Firstly, remember that if a person threatens to kill themselves, it is not your fault.’

Unfortunately, this is something Katie* went through three years ago when she eventually broke things off with her boyfriend.

(Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

‘If anything, his mental health was what kept me with him,’ she told me, ‘because almost every day I’d be told that he’d have no reason to be alive if it wasn’t for me.’

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That kind of statement isn’t uncommon, and unfortunately, neither is feeling trapped in a relationship because you’re so scared of your partner hurting themselves if you leave.

Once Katie ended things with her boyfriend, his reaction put her through hell: ‘When I did break up with him, he said “Well there’s no point me being here anymore” and was uncontactable for over 24 hours. I thought he’d done something terrible and it absolutely destroyed me.

‘I thought I’d be held accountable for anything that happened to him, and when he finally got in touch I was so relieved, but so angry for what he’d put me through as I think he was ultimately just trying to spark a reaction from me.’

Look, if you can’t cope with someone else’s mental health struggles, that doesn’t make you the devil. If their mental health struggles have got nothing to do with you wanting to leave and it’s actually for other reasons, then let them know – you owe each other honesty, no matter how long or serious your relationship has been.

Amanda suggests being hyper-aware of the language you’re using, and to ‘avoid arguments by showing empathy’. She advises: ‘Speak from the ‘I’, e.g., “I’m unhappy in this relationship and yet sad to hear that you are feeling this way. I want to make sure you know that I still care about you although the relationship is over. I know you have a lot to offer someone else”.

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‘Remind them to seek support by naming specific friends and family. If they are isolated offer to signpost them to helplines. Perhaps they already have a counsellor? Then encourage them to use that space in which to speak about their feelings.

‘Stick to your boundaries and your intention and that way you will not be manipulated into going against your wishes.’

It’s so easy to let yourself feel responsible for someone else’s happiness, and thus it’s important to remember that their depression goes much deeper than what you are saying or doing, and it’s going to be virtually impossible for the actions of one person to magically cure someone’s mental illness.

Your actions will affect them though, of course, and the ugly truth is that ending a relationship with a depressed person has the ability to make their depression worse, so take extra care to be kind, supportive, and aware of support resources for the both of you.

‘My boyfriend was actually so understanding when it came to breaking up,’ says Nirma. ‘We spoke for hours about everything, and even though neither of us wanted to end things, we couldn’t deny that we were both hurting each other.’

As someone who is both depressed (yay!) and has a partner (yay! Although, sucks to be them) I would naturally be upset if the relationship ended, and yes, the end of it would have the potential to make my depression worse, of course.

But it all essentially comes down to needs; if my partner can’t emotionally cope with being in a relationship with someone who has mental health problems, then that’s not on them. They’re not being ‘the bad guy’, they’re just not able to function alongside that.

You’re not being ‘the bad guy’ if you don’t feel like you can go on without any support, you just need to find it from someone who’s able to provide it without damaging themselves. Nobody can help what they need.

Ultimately, anyone with depression who is looking for a partner will need one who can understand what they’re going through, and can talk to them about it so that they can both support each other in the areas where it gets a bit dark and sticky.

You’re not a demon if you want to leave a relationship with a depressed person, as long as you do it in a thoughtful, careful and kind way. Don’t expect it to be instant, and be prepared to support them as you’re going through it together, not independently. It’s worth letting someone in their support network know that it’s happened, and to remember that you are not the sole person responsible for their wellbeing.

‘I phoned my ex all the time after we broke up, but he never answered,’ says Katie. ‘So I went to his friends. They spoke to him and kept checking up on him. I just needed to know he was ok.

‘I felt awful and to blame for a long, long time, but as time’s passed I realise that I wasn’t at fault, and that I should have ended things sooner. I was just too scared about what he might have done.’

It can be draining to be with someone who’s depressed, as your needs and emotions can often feel squashed and minimised in comparison. As long as you’re empathetic to how this will affect them, you need to remind yourself of the positive ways it will also affect you.

You’re not abandoning someone at their greatest time of need, you’re doing what’s best for you both.