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Arizona’s SB1062: Fabulous Ousts Crabulous

Flagstaff, AZ—Don’t fret about this veto thing. Look, the words Christian conscience should not be an oxymoron. Gays would be happy to go to your hell but the Pope just admitted it’s fictional. Of course, he may reconsider his position if he ever visits Mesa. As for eternal damnation for the gays, how about we just take a brimstone check?

No surprise SB1062 was vetoed by Governor Brewer. The bill that somehow passed the state’s congress would have allowed anyone to refuse service to any woman with short hair, or any male a little too good at accessorizing. Religions are supposed to stand for tolerance and love, but through a delicate blend of dogma and ignorance, the big three have clearly lost their way.

Look, if you really believe gays will burn in hell for all eternity, couldn’t you muster enough compassion to bake them a cake? A little sendoff type thing? Enjoy this cake before my God forever incinerates you perverts in a fiery chasm, kind of thing. If you really thought these folks would burn forever in torment, couldn’t you muster a shred of sympathy? Of course you can’t, you’re Christians.

Dear Religious Peeps,

Being religious should not be conflated with small-minded ignorance. It is today. Sorry, but don’t shoot the messenger. No, really, it’s a commandment or something.

Sincerely,

Mick Zano

Only you can change this perception and I strongly encourage you to start listening to your grand poobah. He’s a smart man. I attended the LQBTQ rally in Flagstaff on 2/23 and, of course, posed as a member of the Christian Science Monitor. Our representative Ann Kirkpatrick had a great interview over on MSNBC on the 26th. My old interview with her here.

I talked to multiple people and they all said variations of the same thing for each of my questions.

Please stop hanging out at such and such establishment, Zano!

Actually responses were so similar I bolded the collective responses from Jamie, Nino, Nicole, Frankie, and everyone else.

Brewer will veto the bill, not because it’s the right thing to do, but because she knows it will hurt the economy.

Or:

I wonder if she really feels that way. She is a republican, which is a bit debilitating these days, so who knows? Reasonableness and logic have no place in her tent anymore. She did expand Medicaid in this state, but usually republican types need to be forced to do the right thing. See: The Affordable Care Act, or the Civil War or Abu Ghraib.

I also asked everyone about the Pope. Most of the folks said they were happy with his holiness but no one could quite believe how low the American version of this bunch continues to sink. The Pope, meanwhile, is fast becoming a gaysation. So I asked everyone:

If it’s not going to pass anyway, why are you all out here being fabulous? The general response was:

How are we even having this &^%ing debate in 2014? It’s absurd.

The Christian Science Monitor only feather-ruffed one group but, hey, if I’m going to get beaten up by a group of gays it’s going to be on my terms—at that certain club dressed like Wonder Woman, damn it!

According to Kirsten Powers over at The Beast there’s inherent assumption that providing some service or another is somehow an endorsement or affirmation of a given lifestyle. This assumption smells of something we in the spoof news realms like to call bullshit.

“This case simply has not been made, nor can it be, because it defies logic. If you lined up 100 married couples and asked them if their florist ‘affirmed’ their wedding, they would be baffled by the question.”

Powers then makes the case that you can’t pick and choose like that. I agree. I guess you shouldn’t provide any service for an unbiblical bunch of any kind. No one previously divorced, both individuals need to have rings on their fingers and, of course, no one should have engaged in premarital sex.

Or just hang this in your flower shop window.

Maybe everyone should fill out a ten page questionnaire before they receive your services? Or maybe you should all just grow the hell up…oh wait, there is no hell. But is there a heck? Hmmm. I may end up there, but what the heck.

What does the right fear more than anything? Not Hillary, they fear Sharia Law. But isn’t this shit bringing us one step closer to the bigotry of Sharia Law? At this point, isn’t everyone in the conservative tent a walking contradiction?

Closing thoughts:

Rights in general remain an embarrassment in my state, for gays for workers for anyone, but it never ceases to amaze me how one political party never thinks the crapola each citizen is forced to swallow is quite good enough. Operation: Discrimination for Freedom!

Somewhere Jesus is rolling over in his….wait, I’m being told he absconded from there…Jewdini?

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. View all posts by Mick Zano →