Saturday, February 18, 2006

(From M Zone wire reports) Tuscaloosa, AL -- Outrage over the Paul "Bear" Bryant cartoons continued to grow across Alabama one day after they were posted on the M Zone four years after they were first published by the M Zone's Danish affiliate, Den M Distrikt.

The M Zone offices in the capital of Montgomery were torched by a mob carrying 'Bama flags while chanting "Death! Death! M Zone, Death!" and "Roll Tide!" Elsewhere, windows were shattered at the M Zone affiliate in Birmingham and staffers at the blog's Mobile office had to be airlifted to safety. As a result, M Zone co-editor Benny Friedman is advising all M Zone employees to use extreme caution and non-essential personnel to leave Alabama unless they have a chance to score with a really hot southern girl.

"We haven't seen this type of outrage since Ohio State fans realized their mascot is nothing but a poisonous nut. But we must stand strong in the face of this behavior to prove that we are not afraid," said Friedman from a secret location.

While so far only Alabama fans are involved, some officials believe the unrest is being instigated by outside forces in Louisiana associated with radical elements of Onepeat.com, a group of LSU fanatics who still don't realize USC won a piece of the mythical national title in 2003 (hence the word mythical). Onepeat.com representatives were incensed by the accusation and said, if such rumors persisted, they would raise money to put up a billboard long after anybody gave a shit.

SHOW OF SOLIDARITY

In a courageous act, the likes of which hasn't been seen online since somebody had the guts to post the Paris Hilton sex video, the good people at EDSBS reprinted one of the offending cartoons as a sign of solidarity with the M Zone. By displaying the controversial drawings on its site, EDSBS was the only publication to stand up to the threats being made by Alabamans. CNN, ABC, NBC and CBS all refused to show the images siting, "sensitivity toward Crimson Tide fans." The Washington Times blamed the Clinton Administration for the problem, the NY Times blamed President Bush and Fox News did not report on the story as Bill O'Reilly was instead covering the blogosphere elite's War on President's Day.

MORE THREATS

At press time, M Zone officials are unsure how far the violence will spread as more threats are being issued on their blog hourly. The 'Bama Sigma Chi house clarified its original fatwa calling on the Ghost of Bear to strike down the infidel University of Michigan football team by making the Wolverines lose their first road game each September, lose to Ohio State on a regular basis in November, blow any and all 4th quarter leads and finally make sure none of their co-eds will ever be as hot as SEC girls." When Sigma Chi was informed this fatwa must've already been answered by those beseeching the Ghost of Woody during the darkest hours of the John Cooper era, the brothers said they'd get back to us with a new fatwa when the keg came. Until then, they were going to sic the gentleman in the picture at the right on any and all M Zone staffers who fucked with "The Bahr."

seriously...funny stuff. But if you guys tell me that you either have real jobs, or that you have lives outside of this site........not I nor anyone else is likely to believe you. HAHA. That being said, we need you guys churning this stuff out to keep us laughing at work.

You fools! You have refused to cease and repent of your blasphemies against the Great One.

Therefore, we in the Bama nation have found it necessary to call a boycott on you and your minions.

From this moment forward, we are removing the letter "M" from our keyboards in protest.

Furtherore, we have found solidarity fro our fellow Bryantites in each of the 50 states. We will not be discouraged fro this effort, although we have encountered a little bit of resistance fro those who live in aine, aryland, assachusetts, ichigan, innesota, ississippi, issouri, ontana and New exico. (To a lesser extent, we have also encountered a lack of support here in Alabaa as well as in Oklahoa, Veront and Wyoing for soe unknown reason.)

Once this ban on the letter between "L" and "N" is ebraced by the asses, you will curse the day you decided to ess with the Baa nation and blasphee Coach Bryant!

just not as funny as, say, the pissed tigerbird photo on the auburn mascot page. i had high hopes for this site after stumbling across that one.

it might be helpful to note that, in reality, a michigan-oriented sports media office building in montgomery would not need incendiary cartoons to provoke us yaller dogs to besiege it (per the photo) - it would likely be a daily occurrence.

i'd hesitate to call this satire, especially if i had written it. maybe satire-lite (which is the way all my rayed-nayck buddies here in 'bama sang that dave matthews song back when he was playing in tuskaloosa with the cheese brokers every week).

since you're trying and 2/3 succeeding at being the onion, just start a satire-lite blog and call it the scallion. just don't italicize the the, or people will think you went to ohio state. they listen to The Smashing Pumpkins at The Ohio State, just as we listen to smashing pumpkins down haire. The music must sound better up There.

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