Friendship, success, family, purpose and love. (Oh yeah, and a sexy body.) Everybody wants some of that, right? This blog is about one woman's endeavor to find, and deal with, all of those things — and the never-ending struggle to keep her apartment clean.

I Need a Man. NOW!

I’ve been feeling rather sapped lately and I’m starting to realize what’s missing. Basically, I want some male attention…energy…affection…affirmation.

I need some man in the worst way. Well, maybe the best way. I don’t mean sex. But, I have honestly considered stooping to sexual exploits in an attempt to get some of those other things.

At this moment I can feel this desire for a man as though it were an extra thing inside my body. It’s this lump in my throat…no, the base of the back of my neck…and it’s moving. Restless. Twisting. Pulsating. Annoying!

I want someone’s arms around me.

I want a kiss on my forehead.

I want to matter to another person so much that he has to touch me. Has to tell me how he feels about me. Has to smile when he thinks about me. Has to find a way to spend more time with me. Has to give me some of himself in exchange for some of myself.

I’m actually having a hard time thinking about anything else. I guess you would call this lonely. Even though I’m surrounded by great people. My friends, my family. I’m still solitary. A me instead of a we. And it is amplified by the fact that several men have made it clear that all they want from me is sex.

Are you trying to come off as a strong female giving advice because you have been there done that? I don’t want to be critical, but, we will never find happiness in a man. In reading your blog, I see you have posts about various men who are interested in you for you, so why this. Men make me insane and feel diminished often, not limited to matters of the heart. If you adhere to the thought, a man makes you happy, you will end up in a cycle of disappointment. You have to know what you want and expect from them. You must, in turn, let them know what you want and expect FOR them. I get mixed signals from you. Why propagate the usual insecure female stereotype. Don’t make yourself the subject of derision. We are in control until we give it away. We must stop using sex as a way to find intimacy we have lost through insecurity. Good Luck Dear, Katie T.

I’m not trying to “come off” as anything. I’m just being myself. This is just how I felt a few weeks ago. And it isn’t about finding happiness in a man. It’s just about the desire I was feeling. At the time. As far as men being interested in me for me…I have actually been writing about how that ISN’T happening.

I’m sorry men make you feel “insane and diminished.”

I’m not suggesting for a moment that a man makes a woman happy. It’s more like me examining a hunger I have. If I had written about chocolate in similar terms I suspect you wouldn’t have loosed so much venom.

As far as what I want/expect from a man they aren’t always the same things. Plus, I am working on figuring out both what I want and what I should expect from a man (or men). I make myself pretty clear so letting a man know what I want once I figure it out will probably be fine.

I’m not sure what mixed signals you are getting, but the truth is they are probably the result of personal points of confusion because I certainly don’t have it all figured out and I would never try to assert such. I’m also uncertain what insecure female stereotype you are alluding to.

As for me being the object of “derision” (ridicule or scorn), I can’t control other people’s ideas or feelings. And if you have ridicule and scorn in your heart that you choose to direct toward me, I don’t see what I can do about it.

As for control — sexual or otherwise — that also has nothing to do with this post. It’s just about how I was feeling at a certain moment in my life. I’m not using sex to get anything and I wouldn’t suggest that anyone do so. I did confess that it occurred to me momentarily. But I’m not using myself, sex or any man. Nor do I plan to.

Again, it’s pretty clear that you didn’t comprehend this post. Your response was also very bossy and rude. How is that working out for you? That whole bossy rude thing?

Men and woman were created to make babiees, and sex is the strongest emotion there is.

Woman need spiritually with sex, most men just need sex, I for one could not have sex with a woman I did not feel something for.

If a woman says she just needs a cuddle, then in my view that woman was starved of love as a child, in short this is a much deeper emotion than sex, but just wanting a cuddle from a man sends the wrong signals to that man.

that’s the way human beings are designed, sex is one (important)part of a larger relationship, a relationship that satisfies many needs… from a friendly companion with whom you can share anything to an equal partner in times of dire crisis… So, getting laid every other day won’t fill the hunger for a specific type of relationship, it will only feed the bodily needs…

If you are not trying to “come off” as anything. Why are you bothering at all? You are obviously someone who thinks very highly of themselves. If want want success you will be more tolerent of people who dialog with you. I accept responsibility for my response. I read much of your blog and tried to put thoughts about several posts into one. You are not one of my patients; this is your tiny world where you can be in control. Probably the only place in your life where you are.

Since you asked (even though it was in a rather nasty way), I write this blog as practice and catharsis. I’m working toward some writing aspirations in my life and typing out blogs regularly kepp my subject-verb agreement up to snuff. Although I don’t spend a lot of time proof-reading and editing the posts.

As for the catharsis, I find that it is sometimes easier to undersatnd myself when I write down what is going on in my head and heart. (Working on that subject-verb agreement somehow affects my mind-body or belief-lifestyle agreement.) A few years ago I also learned that hitting “post” and sending my ideas out into the Universe helped me to completely release them. (Sometimes.)

As for how highly I think of my self I find your assertion odd considering that in your last post you accused me of being insecure. That ridiculous disparity aside. I do think high, wonderful, beautiful, true things about myself soemtimes. Sometimes I think horrible things about myself that are completel lies. I’m trying to sort those thing out from one another and stop thinking the bad things and concentrate on the good things.

I do like myself, most of the time. And I don’t feel bad for that or apologize for it. I’m the only one who has to live with me for now and I’m trying to be a good roommate. Hopefully it will eventually make me a good mate.

As for my tolerance of people who dialog with me — my levels for borderline abusive and bossy phrasiology are pretty low. I’ll grant you that. Telling me what I “must do” is not kind, helpful or wanted. And it wasn’t asked for. I also didn’t feel that it was very productive. Thank you for “taking responsibility” for your comment and for explaining that it was a response to more than one post. In the future, if you can respond to a post on that post I would appreciate it because I think it will cut down on confusion.

Also, in the future if you could refrain from passive aggressive remarks like “this is your tiny world where you can be in control. Probably the only place in your life where you are.” I woulod appreciate that. They are cruel rude and not helpful in any way. If you want to dialog I demand a civil one that does not demean me. I will not stand for that.

As for your “patients” wheomever they are they have asked for your expertise and are paying for it. I have no such context with you so we may need to develop one before I will be comfortable with your advice. Especially since I didn’t ask for it on this post.

I do appreciate you reading and I do appreciate you attempting a dialog. I hope we can (both) be more productive next time.

Hey Girl,
I want to say I’m sorry that you took those mens’ motives for meaning that the rest of you doesn’t matter when they told you they just want sex. I understand why you would feel that way but try to see it from this way….men are awesome in that they are usually honest concerning the subject of sex. I toast those guys for being honest with you but don’t take what they said so harshly. Try dating a few guys at a time….join some dating sites….just a suggestion. I talk to alot of women who feel the way you do but won’t do up to date proactive things to find love. Dating has changed, finding love is different, men are different, women are different, we have to do different things.

I had different goals that I was actively working toward until recently so I haven’t been actively looking for anyone to date. The truth is, I don’t know if I even want a boyfriend at the moment. But I was feeling this way (about 2 weeks ago) and today I shared. I’m realizing that it might not have been a good idea to be open about this as I have been getting sort of attcked by people who didn’t seem to comprehend what I wrote.

Thank you for offering support, perspective and a possible solution (and for doing so in a kind way that that isn’t bossy). I didn’t mean to suggest that the men who were looking for sex were the bad guys or anything. And I actually don’t think they probably thought about the entire thing as much as I did. That dissection was more a personal dissection of my frustration with the situation — sort of trying to figure out why I felt the way I did — than an assessment of where they were coming from.

Thanks for reading and thanks again for being productive with your comment.

i dont think theres anything wrong with saying you just want a kiss on the forehead. i think sometimes we all pretend to be strong independant women, but inside we would just like a cuddle and someone to let us choose whats on the tv for once.
Sometimes, when im not with my friends, or at the gym, or at work, I want that too. It doesnt define me, but its a genuine feeling and i think everyone craves affection, even briefly!
maybe i didnt read it how the other commenters read it; i dont think it means that you are putting yourself in a point for derision, you are simply being honest about how you felt at a particular snippet in time.
My mother says “if you have nothing nice to say then simply say nothing at all.”

Tink, darling, you may be the only person who understood and also commented. So many people projected negativity on me for this post. It was rough. And the negative ones seem to be the only ones who commented. I’m a little concerned that a lot of women feel the way I did when I wrote this post but they are afraid to be open about it because they have gotten negative responses/attacks like the ones I have received for this post.

Thanks for reading and for commenting. It feels really good to be understood.

GIRLFRIEND, let me tell ya after two divorces, 7 year stint in the military, travelling the world, having my own business and watching all my friends get married and have kids. I understand God created them both male and female and my desire for a mate is not selfish, its necessary for Gods plan to be carried out. All creatures mate, don’t let any bitter woman talk you out of preparing for an helpmate to solidify your legacy…..

This is very honest, it reveals a sensitive woman, im a man and I feel this very same urgent need, but with it must come with the fact that myself and the woman know and understand each other, it must be a spiritual exchange.

In my view most of us go through life ignoring our inner selves, but clinging onto that lower need, sex.

Men and women, we are so amazingly different. Younger men drift toward responding mostly from sex, while older mature men [myself] embrace intimacy face to face without sex. SO much of this has to do with how we were raised, and what our demonstrations were growing-up. As I mature, I value the finer points of relationship; lovemaking as a way of relating instead of just sex. Being emotionally available, being present, and simply able to turn off the sex drive for a moment and just be a friend.
Sex and intimacy are not the same at all, and when we get our wires crossed, it can lead us into some dark corners. Sometimes I think when it comes to approaching relationships, I stand in a league all my own.
Thank you for the discussion.
Blessings…

I get it. A man that is emotionally present, available; a love that is friendship a-blaze. A man that is tactile, when it comes to your needs, he is detail oriented, yet has no need to fix it without your asking. He gets excited about your passions, and creates space for you to breath deep. He is fluent in communication; mental, emotional, spiritual and physical. Where every day is an adventure…
Blessings…

I am married with 3 children and still feel lonely. So there is nothing wrong with how you feel. I feel like the world gangs up on me including my own world and long for a white knight to come sweep me off my feet and defend me. The days are long and the nights are even longer. I feel extremely unwanted, incredibly misunderstood and abundantly under-appreciated. I feel like no one cares about my feelings nor ever has and this feeling makes me feel lonely. So you do not have to be single to have this lonely feeling. Anyone can experience this feeling of being all alone and lonely in their life.

I feel the same way all I want is for a man to love me for me not just my body I’m ready for love TURE Love I’m not a bad person I can pull dudes no problem but I’m a virgin in I just feel loney b/c I want sex but I’m to a point where I just don’t want anybody I didn’t mean for me to be like this it just never happen I’m only 22 ppl still can’t believe it should i feel shame about being a virgin woman but I want the male attention now BAD

I just want to say I appreciate your piece Crystal. I think it got me back on track. If more people would be open, less people would die in silence. I am the typical strong woman who goes through the average day certain she does not need a man.

Today though, I actually got to the point where I actually googled “I need a man” cos that’s the way I felt. Luckily, I found your blog! And you are right- I feel like this now or even today doesn’t mean I would not be right back giving life a hard time right back this time tomorrow – And feeling this way isn’t my first time either. But for the most part… I hold my own and I’m fine with that. And obviously, so are you.

Just ignore the bile and keep the truth coming. The right way, the only way…