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Before you begin screening marriage counselors to help you saveyour marriage, you MUST consider the potential drawbacks ofmarriage counseling so you can get all your facts straightFIRST. This article will help you avoid making a costly mistakethat could not only set you back financially...but cost you yourmarriage as well.

In July of 1999, at a conference for professional marriagecounselors, a credible marriage counselor by the name of Dr.William J. Doherty, gave a shocking report on the state ofmarriage counseling to his fellow professionals.

According to Doherty, most marriage counseling is HAZARDOUS,not helpful to your marriage.

Therapy-based, American style marriage counseling (practiced bymost marriage counselors) can actually do more HARM than good inyour marriage.

All hope is NOT lost however, for the rising number ofstruggling couples. There ARE more effective alternatives tomarriage counseling - they are so effective in fact that evenprofessional marriage counselors are admitting that couplesneed MARRIAGE EDUCATION more than they do marriage therapy.

In June of 1999, USA Today reported that, "Even fans ofmarriage counseling are saying disturbing things. Researchshows that it doesn't work as well as we once thought and itmight not last." That report reinforce the research that showsa great majority of marriage counselors conducting therapy havehad no formal training at all.

This research further documented that two years after coupleswent through marriage counseling, 25% of the couples were WORSEOFF than before they started the therapy.

Up to 38% of them actually divorced.

Perhaps what's even more shocking is the fact that therapistswho actually work with COUPLES, are in the minority.

80% of all private practice marriage counselors in the U.S. saythey conduct marriage therapy, yet only 12% are in a professionthat requires them to take EVEN ONE course on dealing withcouples.

If you ask marriage counselors about their approach, the vastmajority will tell you that they find working with individualsmuch more "productive" than working with couples.

Dr. William J. Doherty stated, "Couples therapy is the mostdifficult therapy of all because every session starts with thethreat of divorce".

After training marriage counselors for a living, in his 1999address at the conference for professional marriage counselors,Dr. Doherty called the methods of marriage counselors,"Hazardous to your marital health."

He established four ways that marriage counselors have producedDESTRUCTIVE outcomes in marriages.

According to Doherty, there are four ways marriage counselorscan do more harm than good in your marriage...

1. By being incompetent 2. By being neutral 3. By pathologizing (telling you why your marriage is "sick") 4. By being overtly undermining (attempting to break up themarriage)

INCOMPETENT: In the case of incompetent marriage counselors,the counselor has not been trained to work with couplestogether. They believe working with two people is an expandedversion of working with one, but it is not. An individual iseasy to listen to, but a battling couple is not. Working withcouples requires skill, structure and a very different approachthan one-on-one therapy.

NEUTRAL: These marriage counselors, Doherty claims, are notneutral about marriage at all. When a counselor appears to beneutral, but actually takes sides with the more self-orientedspouse, they are undermining the marriage. "When a counseloruses the language of individual self interests, it undercutsthe moral commitment that is owed to the marriage." Dohertystated.

PATHOLOGIZING: Pathologizing is when marriage counselors builda case insisting that the couple has a "sick" relationship.They actually ENCOURAGE couples to get a divorce by sayingthings like, "Why SHOULD YOU hang in there? Why be a victim?"These marriage counselors make couples believe that they'rebeing abused, which causes both spouses to draw their onlyconclusion: "If the professional thinks this is over, then Ishould too."

UNDERMINING: While telling couples what they should do isagainst the code of ethics of the American Association forMarriage and Family Therapy, many therapists still do it. Thesetherapists say phrases like, "You should probably end thismarriage." or, "If you're going to stay sane, you should moveout." Undermining therapists urge husbands and wives to severtheir relationships with family members and spouses.

If you're looking for a good marriage counselor, Dr. Dohertyurges you to ask questions first. Learn about the therapists'values by asking questions like these:

1. Are you self taught, workshop-trained or college educated inworking with couples?

Bad Answer: College educated.

Good Answer: Self taught or workshop trained and they speakconvincingly about how their program saves marriages.

2. What is your attitude about saving a troubled marriage vs.helping a couple break up?

Bad Answer: "It's not my decision. Couples have to make theirown decision." (This is an evasive answer...not a good sign.)

Good Answer: "I help couples find ways to stay together andhelp them understand and overcome their problems."

3. Where do you stand when one spouse wants to stay and theother wants a divorce?

Bad Answer: "I try to get people to understand their ownfeelings." (This is a focus on the individual, NOT the couple.)

Good Answer: "This is normally what I see with couples. I haveways to help them both handle this in positive ways."

4. What percentage of your practice involves both husband andwife?

Bad Answer: "I find working with husbands and wivesindividually to be more practical."

Good Answer: "All of it. When both people are with me andfollowing my process, I find they have the greatest successrate."

5. Of all the couples you treat, what percentage stay marriedand have a better marriage in the end?

Bad Answer: "100%" or "I don't keep that type of information."

Good Answer: About 70 to 80% stay happily married, while therest drop out of my process and are unwilling to finish.

The difference in the answers you receive from marriagecounselors is the feeling you get when you talk with them. Badanswers feel evasive or vague while good answers are confidentand positive.

Now that you know the right questions to ask, you canconfidently screen marriage counselors, separating the GOODfrom the bad. But if you're hesitant about bringing a marriagecounselor into your marriage, as Dr. Doherty suggested,marriage education might be the answer you're looking for.

About the Author: Want to get back on track with the one youlove? Find out if you’re already on the "Secret Path" toDivorce and learn how to stay off it forever. Get your FREESpecial Report athttp://www.stopyourdivorcein4weeks.com/secret.html.

Hello. Prompt how to get acquainted with the girl it to me to like. But does not know about it I have read through one history Each of you has your personal story; it is your history. Keeping a diary or writing your feelings in a special notebook is a wonderful way to learn how to think and write about who you are -- to develop your own identity and voice.

People of all ages are able to do this. Your own history is special because of your circumstances: your cultural, racial, religious or ethnic background. Your story is also part of human history, a part of the story of the dignity and worth of all human beings. By putting opinions and thoughts into words, you, too, can give voice to your inner self and strivings.

A long entry by Anne Frank on April 5, 1944, written after more than a year and a half of hiding from the Nazis, describes the range of emotions 14-year-old Anne is experiencing:

". . . but the moment I was alone I knew I was going to cry my eyes out. I slid to the floor in my nightgown and began by saying my prayers, very fervently. Then I drew my knees to my chest, lay my head on my arms and cried, all huddled up on the bare floor. A loud sob brought me back down to earth, and I choked back my tears, since I didn't want anyone next door to hear me . . .

"And now it's really over. I finally realized that I must do my school work to keep from being ignorant, to get on in life, to become a journalist, because that's what I want! I know I can write. A few of my stories are good, my descriptions of the Secret Annex are humorous, much of my diary is vivid and alive, but . . . it remains to be seen whether I really have talent . . .

"When I write I can shake off all my cares. My sorrow disappears, my spirits are revived! But, and that's a big question, will I ever be able to write something great, will I ever become a journalist or a writer? I hope so, oh, I hope so very much, because writing allows me to record everything, all my thoughts, ideals and fantasies.

"I haven't worked on Cady's Life for ages. In my mind I've worked out exactly what happens next, but the story doesn't seem to be coming along very well. I might never finish it, and it'll wind up in the wastepaper basket or the stove. That's a horrible thought, but then I say to myself, "At the age of 14 and with so little experience, you can't write about philosophy.' So onward and upward, with renewed spirits. It'll all work out, because I'm determined to write! Yours, Anne M. Frank

For those of you interested in reading some of Anne Frank's first stories and essays, including a version of Cady's Life, see Tales From the Secret Annex (Doubleday, 1996). Next: Reviewing and revising your writing

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About the Author

A behavioral scientist by training, an activist by heart, and a writer and editor by trade, Regina has covered a wide range of social and political issues, including national politics, equality and diversity, labor and workplace, women’s issues and personal growth.
She has degrees in Behavioral Science and English from Athens State College/University and Advertising/Communications from the University of Alabama.