Mexican Grandmother Promises To Stop Raping Americans

A Mexican grandmother today finally confessed to charges by President Trump that she’s out to destroy American lives any way she can, saying it was his persistence in calling her out that finally broke her.

“Trump’s right of course when he suggests all Mexicans are rapey criminals. I guess I can’t skate by on my 80-year-old frail appearance anymore.”

She is also pledging to give up her membership of MS-13, and to stop smuggling drugs and abducting young girls into sexual slavery.

“I’ve been avoiding the issue of my gang association because I wasn’t looking forward to having the snakehead tattoo removed from my back, but Trump’s clearly not going to back off.”

She also said she won’t be trying to enter the United States illegally if there’s a wall in the way.

“Once I hit my last birthday I started feeling a little unsteady on a ladder, so I’ll leave that to the under 80s.”