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Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Bros take pride. Bros take pride in the fact that they drank for like 13 hours straight last Saturday and were still able to seal the deal with that tall bitch they met at the bar. Bros take pride in the fact that they’ve been able to slay like 25 girls so far this semester. Bros take pride in the fact that they woke up this morning only to see thirteen jars of Hellman’s Mayonnaise they #2 stole from Wawa last night nestled in bed with them. Bros take pride in a whole lot of shit that they do, and honestly, who the fuck is going to blame them? I mean, when it’s been scientifically proven that you are one of the smartest people on the fucking planet, it’s hard not to take pride in everything you do. Say you beer bonged like 6 beers at once and even threw in a couple old birth control pills just to get really fucked up. Of course you’re going to tell people about that shit. It’s an accomplishment. You need to be recognized and honored for your greatness. While these moments of heroism come and go and usually are overlooked by the Liberal media, much like everything bros do, there is one thing about bros that everyone and their fucking mother needs to know: they were fucking awesome in high school.
I always love all those TV shows and moviesportraying high school as being a time where kids are going through an awkward stage where they can’t even get a date to the school dance, much less have their first kiss. What kind of fucking science-fiction is this shit? It’s definitely not about bros. Bros fucking dominated high school. And first kiss? Yeah fucking right – bros were getting handies during recess back in 7th grade on the tetherball court from girls like 3 years older than them. Bros don’t even remember what it was like to be a virgin because they lost that shit so long ago.

A lot of times, after a classic night of bros being bros aka getting fucking wasted and #97 taking a dump in your random freshman roommate’s hamper to get back at him for yelling at you because you #36 pissed all over his laptop when you were blacked out, you might be met with questions such as, “What happened to you along the way that made you into this animal.” After calling him a fucking bro-hater and telling him he got what he deserved for raising his voice to a fucking bro, it’s time to explain exactly how fucking awesome you were in high school. Here are a few things that bros fucking love about their high school careers.

Drinking – I always love all those kids who come to College and have never drank before in their lives, then have like two beers and start pretending they’re fucking Legolas and re-enacting scenes from “Lord of The Rings.” Since bros are smart as shit, they realized from a young age that your ability to drink determines the amount of respect you are given, so you better fucking believe they have high tolerances. Bros were always the freshmen that were invited to the senior parties in high school. Bros love calling people who never drank before “lightweights.” Being a lightweight automatically makes you a fucking loser.

Sports – You better fucking believe bros dominated in every sport back in high school. Whether it was basketball, wrestling, football, or lacrosse, it doesn’t really matter – one thing is for sure though, bros were always All-State or All-District. At some point in their career, bros played against some #67 big name College or Pro player and you better fucking believe they shut him down. Bros will then finish their claim to fame by talking about how some of the big name programs were recruiting them but then they blew out their knee so they lost their scholarship. Bros will then tell you it’s much better this way because if they played D-1 ball they wouldn’t be able to get fucked up as much.

Friends – No matter how fucking crazy you and your bros are at College, every bro will always claim, “Bro, you need to hang out with my bros from home. Those mother fuckers are fucking insane.” Bros love talking about all the crazy shit they used to do with their high school friends and whenever they are coming to visit, they will have a countdown going. Bros will then put out a warning to the entire fucking campus via facebook status telling everyone that the fucking wrecking crew is coming to town and that they better watch the fuck out. Once the wrecking crew shows up they will immediately start pounding brews and looking at facebook pictures of the sluts that they’ll be banging on their stay.

Bros don’t transform into the perfect people that they are overnight. While their #109 good looks may have been with them for their entire life, other parts of their greatness need to be developed. The first day of College marks the beginning of your epic bro career. For the next 5+ years you will be the fucking Gods of campus – but this is nothing new. After all, you just spent the past four years sitting atop your throne.

NYB, another amazing post. can completely relate to this because i was the shit in high school. hooked up with some senior brah when i was a freshman because she knew i was the shit from day 1. also play d3 lax only because drinking comes first. post hit close to home.

High school was the shit and was the start of a very successful and dominating drinking career.

Tv shows are such bullshit...white girls weren't having babies in high school - we made them get abortions that their bro fathers paid for.

And where did all these fucking high school losers come from that we see on tv? I don't remember pounding beers during break with them. Were they those tiny specs on the ground that I had to walk around before I skipped class to go chug vodka on a Tuesday afternoon?

By the time Bros get to college, we're already drinking at an advanced Bro level.

decent post, but bros don't put stuff in their facebook status. facebook statuses are for sorostitutes (slampieces) and bro-haters who think everyone gives a fuck what they are doing all the time.

bros do always do have the craziest fucking bros from back home though. and it works both ways, when you chill with your bros from back home, you all talk about how fucking nuts your bros from school are.

this is the most legit shit ever. my bros and i ran our high school. every time we visit each other at our respected colleges, we get fucked up and raise hell on all the bro haters out there. fucking bros rule

You best believe I was all county in lax junior and senior year, and shut down THE number one player in the nation. Where am I now? Playing college lax, but of course at the club level. College coaches seemed to hate the bro mentality that was my "work ethic".Keep em coming NYB, love the site

...I recently visited a friend's college campus up at Columbia U. I first arrived hopping off the subway with a monster fucking dip in and a solid buzz going from the ten beers I had on the public boozportation. When I arrived to my buddies Lair, I was greeted by his roommates with a.. "So, I have heard some good stories about you."

And you better Fucking believe I decided to double dose my antics that evening. Within 30minutes of my arrival, 2 handles of Nikolai were purchased, cracked, and halfway gone. It is a 100% fact, when Bros visit their Bros College, it is impossible to go even 30minutes without drinking. TRY IT!

Better fucking believe me and my bros ruled high school.We were all All-State rugby players all 4 years of high school and ran that fucking team too.We were those freshman going to senior parties and hooking up with senior sluts.Now we all still go college together and still fucking run shit on the rugby field...after pounding brews of course.

Fucking great post. Not only were me and my bro's the stars of our football team back home (we won the state championship twice; I shut down a guy that now plays d-line at Michigan, and made 1st Team All State) everyone around campus knew we partied the hardest on the weekends, and knew we slayed the most bitches. We all ended up at different colleges and different fraternities, and whenever we decide to make a weekend roadtrip to visit you better believe shit gets wild.

Last month, I skipped my Friday classes and drove up to Birmingham to visit my bro from high school and I picked up my H.S. bro in Tallahasse along the way. We smoked bowls the whole way and got fucked up in B-Ham that night. The next morning we were blackout drunk by 12 noon and played drinking games and had snowball fights all day until we got bored of it around 4pm. So what do we do? Jump into my car and drunk drive 2 hours south to Auburn, where one of our other high school bros goes to college, and we got fucked up at the bars for two nights straight and smoked bowls during the day.

The best is casually dropping the stories about the various state championships you won while the girl who is 18 months out of HS is "over it" and says you are a loser for living in the past. Of course, this is only great because it makes it that much better when you have your dick down her throat 3 hours later because she was actually impressed as shit by your overall dominance: past, present, and future. Dome from hating sluts are the shit and bros are the shit.

When I first go to school I met some kids who thought they were hardasses because they "drank like 5 times already in my life. you should have seen my senior week man, I went through like a 12 pack every day." Fuck that. My "senior week" was 4 years long, it was called high school. These same kids thought I was an "alcoholic" because I've been steadily drinking since 8th grade. It's not my fault that my older brother is a bro-king and wanted to me to follow in his footsteps.

Also, d1 club lax is the way to go, mostly because the varsity lifestyle is such a brohater. I love the sport and everything, but like, they drug test and shit. Who the fuck needs that during the best years of their life.

Great post NYB, but you neglected to mention that if you're a bro, you most likely attended a mini college, aka prep school.

I went to (easily) the most brotastic prep school in new england. i wont mention it by name, but know that shit was so crazy that two slampiece alumni felt the need to write a nytimes best selling book two years ago about the crazy sex and raging that went on.

Having a first round NFL draft pick and the Lebron James of the UFC right now as the token black bros/big guys in hs clearly made us run not only our own high school but all surrounding high schools, rolling with them had the slam pieces flowing like the salmon of Capistrano. It wasn't even fair

This post couldn't be more true. 2 quick things though:1) Sounds like you had a good weekend Tim TeBRO, but Tim Tebow is definitely nowhere even close to being a bro, so maybe rethink the name.2)"...even threw in a couple old birth control pills just to get really fucked up"- does that shit really work?

Besides running your own sport, one of the best parts of being bro as shit in high school is when your school runs shit in sports. You go to every game of your nasty teams and go fucking nuts. Get chants going like "fuck your mother", "where's your tampon" when a kid goes down, and of course U-S-A chants. And of course drag up as much shit on the kids from the other team so you can yell things at them like "You're eighth grade sister gives a great blow-job!" Every bro ran their high school.

NYB, Bros can go D-1 ball and still get absolutely smashed, its just more brolike drinking til 5am when you have to report to football or a bros respective sport and attempt to remember to wash your bar stamp off your hand or rip off your bar band. And its always humorous trying to convince your coach that"im not drunk you are" after downing 3 bowls of all berry captain crunch and using 3/4 of a bottle of listerine to cover up your captain 100 escapade.

great post...high school, the good ole days...nothin like takin vodka in poland spring bottles to school and getting fucked up for the first 3 periods of the day...at lunch going to your car and drinkin beer out of brown bags....the best part is, no one says shit cuz your a bro.....after an all day drinkin sesh, showin up for football and layin punk ass kids out....

My high school bro career was epic. Not only did I make All-Metropolitan junior year but me and my bros pulled chicks from every girls' school in the area. Furthermore, the house parties we threw made the frat parties I went to on my official visits look like baby showers. Being able to buy without an ID (because I'm 6'7") made us the key to any party. We also knew where you could get the cheapest beer anywhere, we probably spent close to $2000 dollars at our favorite store. I'd say that if you have a bro that urinates on slampieces in highschool you partied pretty hard.

You know nothing of Party Schools. Look up at any random interval in time and space Arizona State University. We Can crush you with our Tailgating stats and Absurd Smokin hot slut to bro ratio any random Tuesday night.

to whoever said, "fuck the west LA is bitch"first off learn to fucking english. california embodies what being a bro is about: chilling the fuck out all day,drinking and smoking, and nailing the hottest slampieces in the continent.and as far as lax goes, yes your east coast schools are fucking sick and do dominate, but the only reason theres not as much hype on the west coast is because the biggest bro hater of them all (the government) decided to create title IX, giving woman another undeserved right.

It's all about Prep School. Shit's legit. Once I got to College, I was leaps and bounds above the competition for bro-status because I automatically knew I was better than everyone around me. My Prep School's tuition was more than my College costs. Fucking poor people go to public school, great analogy to Community College. Its one function is to keep the unwashed masses out of my sight. All this all-state, all-county bullshit is for fucking poor people who go to public school. Prep Schools have their own exclusive honors, not open to these plebeian "athletes". Everyone knows that true brothletes are above such "honors".

Whoever mentioned rugby earlier, congratulations. You have stumbled upon a true bro sport. College rugby is the shit, and it's only a matter of time before the NCAA gets their shit together and starts promoting it. I know lots of people will be shocked to hear this, but since I've started playing rugby I can't even watch football. People who put on pads and helmets just seem like such pussies to me now. Seriously, if your school has a rugby team, get off your ass and join. Easily the most fun you will ever have with the craziest motherfuckers you will ever meet.

There are no Bros in high school. There, its been said. There are literally millions of Bros-In-Training in high schools across America, but none have made true Bro status. By definition a Bro is smart as shit which means they have a minimum of a bachelor's degree. Anything else= poser city. The dude in your study hall that now works construction, not a Bro. The dude on the football team that couldn't cut it in ju-co and drives the UPS truck, not a Bro. The dude that hits you up on facebook 7 years after graduation and trying to talk about high school, nowhere near Bro, even if he was captain of the basketball team. Sorry. Get educated. Get it right.

you're right, high school isn't bro. Prep School, however, most definitely is. 100% of my graduating class went to top-100 Colleges, and about 30% went to Ivies. So don't tell me that doesn't count as "smart as shit". Not one person who graduates from my Prep School goes on to work in "construction" or some shit, unless that means they own the construction company, hire illegal mexicans (redundant, I know...) for little to no money, and generally live the fucking dream. Sorry, take your public school bullshit elsewhere. I bet you go to a State School and think you're in College. Anonymous, you're fuckin out.

While college indeed was the greatest 5.5 years of my life, I'd really appreciate it if you could write some posts about what bros like post-graduation, ie- drinking on the company's tab, talking about how big your 401k is getting, running your beer run through as an expense report, slamming every hot piece of ass in the office, using the company's tickets to sporting events, making epic returns to your old college stomping grounds, not to mention the fact that cougars will give you head in the bathroom once they hear you have a real job.

Those of you still in college don't hate. It's a lot harder to bro hard post-college, but a bro's got to do what a bro's got to do.

You speak the truth my bro. And props for the recognition to 5.5 years in college. It was 6 for me, but who's counting. I'm constantly searching for ways to express my inner bro at work and in the real world, and it's difficult. My favorite activities include going to my alma mater's official bar in my city for football games and reliving the good bro days. Also, one word, homecoming. This weekend full of debauchery and taking down slam pieces is the height of post college bro-dom. Another favorite bro activity is work sponsored events with an open bar. Taking down office slam pieces is never easier.

For those of us post-grad bros, college is the new high school in the context of this post.

yo NYB this is inspirational.I would just like to say that i am still a senior in high school, but i have been following this blog religiously for the past 5 months or so. this is be far my favorite. being a high school student, i want to mention the fact that i was captain of the wrestling team this year, returning state champs mother fucker.

since i'm still a minor however, i am grounded. why do you ask? maybe because i spent st pattys day so fucked up that i came home stumbling and blacked out. my parents were thrilled. but thats the kind of life i lead.

im proud to say that i'll be continuing my partying career in college next year, but i actually cant wrestle because i tore a ligament in my knee, coincidentally. this post is practically a biography of me.

So it was probably busy morning so I will give you the daily Bro update. Woke up at like 6 fucking am with a hangover and the then went to work for like 10 fucking hours training token black bro on out to be a true Guest Service Bro. Left work and went to a fucking wedding where I pounding 20 beers and 8 shots of SoCo and then I fucking drove home because I am a Bro King. Stoped at toco bell got 5 hard shell tocos becuse soft shells are for pussies and had to one eye from there and carry my bra over my sholder because she was for tru fucking bra. Keep on rocking like Teddy Fucking Brosavelt.

So the night started at 4pm with margaritas at Santis with the Bra. Polished off a few pitchers and drove home drunk at 7pm. Hopped in the shower to wash my balls to get ready for the big night of being a fucking bro. The bra showed up at 9pm. She enters the doors as I'm being a true bro YELLING at the UFC fight on TV. Gotta love those moments where you start yelling at the Television as if it's one of your bros and can yell back with you.

Showed up at AC's downtown where I proceeded to step the bro game up. Shots, beers, shots, beers, a shot of beer, some drunken pool--like a true bro king. Then I fuckin drove home--drunk.

On the way home, I leaned back in my seat put one arm on my bra and magically she starts giving me road head.... what a fucking bra she is.. After 20 minutes of her singing "everybody wang chung tonight" we got home..... what a fucking night......

Damn right soccer State Champion. Finals in Buffalo. Us BITs of course crossed the border to Canada and drank beers and ate steak the night before the game...on the school's per diem money. My bro hopped the fence at the border after being a smartass and getting denied entry. Smoked those pansy-asses next day and shut down that pussy Mr. Soccer who went on to play for the national team. All everything in soccer and lax while taking the winter to ski blazed everyday and impressing the hot ski-bunny slams with my serious skills resulting in multiple knob jobs. That's just how I rolled.

as a current high school bro i have to agree as always with you NYB. high school is the shit, my parents went outta town i threw a brotastic party that lasted all day. after a while i was tired of the group cause i had already slayed all the slam pieces so i kicked everybody out grabbed some road beers and i drove drunk as shit to another party. then after that party me and my bros headed to t bell and since i was so gone i couldnt read the menu i went off memory and got thirty dollars worth of food. turns out the next day i had a track meet so i woke up still drunk went to the meet and i fucking won the mile with a 4:45 thats bro

Perhaps you should deliberate on JJ aka, the 2nd coming of the brossiah. (Sorry to all the Jewbros out there that dont believe in this sort of prophecy, but Happy Passover anyway)

JJ could be the king of all Bros, a few bros were blessed with his Fern-Gully like appearance and stellar moves on the dance floor. Perhaps, we all have something to learn from those bros who are blessed with a few too many chromosones.

birthcontrol won't make you more fucked up.. it will provide your body with estrogen, making it think you're pregnant, and therefore far less bro and much more of a moody, fatty, constapated preg women. UNBRO.

The Lord set me upon my path to Bro-greatness at the age of nine when I first got shit hammered with other bros. Then slaying slam piece since the age of 12, its true the animal that I am today has been growing a while and that is why I am almost turning pro in getting brolly fucked up.

To the jackass who decided that "lacrosse is for losers who couldnt play football"something like 50% of laxers also played football. my boy playing for duke right now got offered a D1 scholarship to play cornerback, but chose lax because its what fucking bosses do. take your pussy shit and go back to some day school in the midwest/south. ill play top level lacrosse at the most expensive boarding school in the country.peace, kid.

holy shit nothing could be more true than this post. me and my bros back home ran that fucking school with a fucking iron bro fist. you better brelieve we were buying handles and 30 racks right after school every fucking day. all the bro haters new we ran that shit and that we were always with the hottest slam pieces.

when us bros are visiting our fellow bros at other schools its a fucking bro ragefest. im talking buying multiple handles immediately after arrival getting wasted. hitting up the band party that night and getting more wasted along with finding fine slam pieces. then goin to the bar wasting gratuitous amounts of money until blacked out and somehow making it back to the bros pad.

Lax is the most bro sport- 3 time state champ in HS. was going to Butler but slams title IX ruined the fun so now play d3 and get fucked up every night and dont have to feel bad about the brotastic work ethicits the ultimate combination getting hot slams and naturally eliminates bro-haters (its expensive and requires athleticism--- 2 bro necessities)

and public schools can be bro--- if the public school is in a neighborhood where property values average over $400k so its basically a private school and no trash can afford to live there.

Not only drinking mass amounts of alcohol every weekend, but drinking in class with water bottles of vodka.

RUNNING High School Cafeterias

KILLING in random brawls in the parking lot after hockey games against other the school

And of course, I think the most important, RUNNING the slutty high school slam pieces who do not know what condoms are yet (and quite frankly, not being afraid of contracting anything due to fact that you knew who they previously slept with)

Gym class used to be the shit in high school. You KNOW that we were all the guys who - according to the losers in gym - "took things too seriously." To all the losers that I shook off in soccer; to all the losers that I stuffed in Ultimate; to all the losers that had dodgeballs thrown in their faces...sorry buddy, but serious is the ONLY way to do sports.

Me and my bros ran our high school as most bros do. We were all on the football team and most of us wrestled too. Getting slam peices was easy. I'll never forget bangin a new slam peice to our school in the restroom. The door opens I think nothin of it just figuring it's one my bros....it was my football coach. He looked at us and smiled and says "make sure you hit good bro" and turns around and walks out. That day at practicce he commends me for bangin that slut in the restroom

i gotta say that lax is the most bro sport on the planet (duke lax has their own circle of bro-dom), closely followed by soccer. why? because the hottest slam pieces play soccer and tournaments are the shit when you get head before and after the championship game, then get hammered with the coach (100% fucking true story). bros are the shit

BROise IdaBRO Bro at my school baseball and lax were bros together, we partyed together got fucked up together and we were tight as shit. Girls love baseball players and lax players its just an add to be a bro. I was goin to play D1 but i tore my damn labrum so now i get to get fucked up anytime i want and dont have to have any fucking work ethic haha its awesome. and I still get together with my bros both lax and from my baseball team and go to capital games. its great to be a bro.

The only people who play Lax are pussies who got cut from the baseball team.

And you bro-haters try to make people think Lax is a hardcore sport by wearing those completely unnecessary pads and helmets, despite the fact that you will see harder hits in a fucking WNBA game than you will in a Lax game.

Lax is somewhere between diving and equipment manager for the soccer team on the high school sports brotem pole. Ditch that stupid limp-wristed "cradling" bullshit and play a real sport, pussies.