Ducks

Suggest more ducks to useless.ducks@gmail.com
(Way Better than Goofus and Gallant)

20070210

A July's Worth of Useless Ducks

"Useless Ducks" was a project that began July 2006 and was shamefully abandoned by the end of 2006 (in order to work on somewhat more important things). Arguably the first month's content was the best of all, with the exception of the weird couple days obsessed with sloth sometime around labor day.

Here it is, again.

Useful Duck gets called "Sugar Tits" while just trying to do his job.Useless Duck reads about it in "People".(Via Sanjay)

Useful Duck gets a fire started and gets fish for his tribe.Useless Duck was just included because he looks hot in a bikini.(Thanks TheTribeHasSpoken)

Useful Duck employs his unlimited and farsighted intellect with the all important task of advancing understanding of the most important and critical pillars of scientific and technological advancement.Useless Duck runs stop signs in front of police stations.(Via Release and Charlotte)

Useful Duck always weighs the pros and cons.Useless Duck tells time with a barometer.(By the order of StopStalin)

Useful Duck reads Sun Tzu in the original Chinese.Useless Duck surrendered to France.(By way of ChopSticky)

Useful Duck plays checkers with the elderly.Useless Duck loses at Clue against Alzheimer's patients.(and this just in from Xanadon't)

Useful Duck brings a second umbrella for his date.Useless Duck TiVos the weather channel.(Fresh from the presses of Maid4TeeVee)

When Useful Duck mops the floor, you can eat off it.When Useless Duck does the laundry, your underwear turns grey.(from JBamberIsNotGay)

Useful Duck marks up his screenplay to include Robert Altman's criticisms.Useless Duck has stolen set pieces from multiple Farelly brothers movies.(Via Please.at.least.refer.to.three.movies)

Useful Duck's architecture firm engineers the aesthetic of quaint downtowns, particularly ones full of play areas and green spaces, within very short and easy walks of pleasant and energy-efficient homes.Useless Duck is a 'barista' at a Starbucks in just such a town.(from AaronCmakesTurdSandwichlooklikeaTalkingDouche)

Useful Duck 's souffle rises in a perfect crown.Useless Duck forgot to add the frozen peas to the Ramen.(Via BerzerkeleyFoodie)

20061116

Suddenly I See.

20061108

I meant to have these done before now

Keeps abreast of pop-culture to be capable of small talk beyond inanities of weather and health. Keeps a breast in a bag just in case someone asks him to feed her baby.

Useful Duck is a courteous and prompt bus driver.Useless Duck hits or hits on old lady passengers.

Useful Duck can turn a few balloons into a 19th century carousel.Useless Duck was banned from all kids' parties after what became known as 'The Unfortunate Poodle Incident'.

Useful Duck is making sexual advances towards his underage Congressional Page, Useless Duck, over the Internet. If Useless Duck doesn't keep his mouth shut and play along, then the terrorists have won.

20060922

Be The Winner, Not The Weiner.

Useful Duck is, for good reason, one of the most beloved staff members at the happy happy zoo.Useless Duck is only allowed to keep pet rocks since the SPCA was called to deal with a "spider plant abuse situation".(SangarManagement)