A chronicle of the inner landscape of a creative female with depression

As a creative person my best friend is called doubt. Doubt is really reliable and never leaves me for too long. It’s quite caring this doubt – even if I overcome it for a little bit, it makes sure it always comes back.

Doubt makes me stop whatever I do immediately. I need to at least think about the doubt. Then I either stop what I’m doing or I dismiss the thought, restart and – BAM!

Hello doubt!

My favourite one is “I’m not good enough” as it is so fundamental. It condemns not only myself but also everything I do and create! Smart, little doubt!

Some of you might not visualise what your personal internal landscape looks like. I do. When things turn blue for me, I frequently have the mental image of entering a room that looks like its walls are made of lava. In the middle there is “The Pit” – a deep, dark hole that calls my name.

I know this is pretty unsettling – it is to me too, but the good thing about visualising what’s going on inside your head is, that you are in control. You might not feel it right now but you are.

If I created my personal room of pain, maybe I can change it. Or understand when I go there. These days I sometimes find that the red-hot lava glows quite beautifully. The red reminds me of my ginger hair. And it suddenly dawns on me that the room of pain is actually also my comfort zone.

I have learned how to be here. I have learned to feel at home when I’m sad. When I figured this out, it shocked me. This is not what I want my comfort zone to look like!