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Saturday, February 7, 2009

Early this morning, when absolutely nobody was about, Sweetie got up, turned on her computer, and logged into Second Life.

Why?

Why indeed! To sort her inventory.

Now you must understand this about Sweetie: until now she has been a— I really don't know another way to say this— inventory slob (she insists she be called an anarchist, claming her inventory dysfunction is a philosophy and not a bad habit). In her Objects folder she has thousands of objects named object. In her Lost and Found she has every item that has ever been returned to her. It’s not unusual for her to mentally disappear for long minutes while she tries to find something she uses every day, like. oh, for example, her Mystitool.

The state of Sweetie’s inventory is one of the reasons I love her so much. But lately I've been worried. I fear she’s showing at least eight of the ten warning signs of inventory obsessive disorder.

Inventory Obsessive Disorder is not codified in the VSM-IV of the Virtual Psychiatric Association. Why? Because at the time of its publication, IOD didn’t yet exist. The soon-to-come VSM-V will have the diagnosis, however.

Before I continue with my discussion of Sweetie’s virulent case of inventory mania, I need to clue you in about the ten warning signs of IOD so you can IMMEDIATELY confront your friends about their poor inventory habits—and moreover, take an honest look at your own. Here are the things you must watch out for:

1. Sorting inventory alone.

Sorting inventory should be a group activity. You and your friends should get together, have a few drinks, and go at it. If you find yourself sorting inventory by yourself, you may have a problem.

2. Making excuses for sorting your inventory.

“I would love to go out with you tonight, Maximus Erectus, but I have to sort my inventory tonight.” “Sorry, Suzie1047, I can’t POSSIBLY make the big sale at ETD. I absolutely HAVE to get my landmarks in order.” If you’ve been saying things like this, you need to back away from your inventory RIGHT AWAY!
3. Daily inventory sorting needed to function.

You’ve uploaded six textures and now all you can think about is stopping whatever you’re doing so you can sort them into proper categories. Listen to me: YOU HAVE A PROBLEM!

4. Inability to reduce or stop inventory sorting.

You’ve started sorting and now you can’t stop, not until EVERY LAST OBJECT has been moved to its proper folder. IM me IMMEDIATELY for a referral to an inventory-specializing therapist.

5. Violence associated with your inventory.

What’s that? You didn’t MEAN to bite your girlfriend’s head off when she interrupted your sorting? I wasn’t kidding about that therapist.

6. Sorting inventory in secret.

When you’re secretly sorting inventory while making love to your second-life partner, think about this: You need an intervention!

7. Becoming angry when confronted about your inventory.

If you find yourself in violent disagreement with a friend about whether it’s best to list inventory items by date or by name, you must face it: you have IOD.
8. Poor eating habits.

Yeah, we know ever since you downloaded the SL client you’ve been subsisting on pretzels and chunks of cheddar cheese—but when you’re too busy with your inventory to put that DiGiornio pizza in the oven, you need help!

9. Failure to care for your virtual appearance.

If you’re too busy with your inventory to change clothes, shop for the latest sculpted shoes, or pore over the pages at XStreetSL, you need to reach up slowly with your mouse and hit the X in the upper right hand corner of your screen.

10. Lack of obsession with inventory count.

You long ago passed the dreaded 20k inventory overload mark and are just days away from reaching 40,000 items. You find your longstanding obsession with deleting duplicate objects has waned and you’re actually taking pride in the 39,653 items in your inventory. You’ve gone critical, sweetheart! At any moment now your friends are going to show up and pack you off to one of Second Life’s many fine inventory treatment facilities.