Quick! Find Hawaii’s speed traps online!

Welcome to the "Honolulu Lite" Tuesday Notebook, where we take no prisoners, give no quarter, brook no obstruction and split no infinitives (except to boldly go -- go boldly? -- where most columns fear to bravely tread -- tread bravely?).

» Speed traps revealed!: I got my last speeding ticket where the speed limit suddenly (and inexplicably) changes to 45 mph in the approximately 27 feet of highway between the first and second H-3 tunnels coming toward Kaneohe. The judge agreed with me that it seemed to be nothing but a speed trap, but fined me nonetheless.

All states have speed traps, places where the speed limit suddenly changes from "bat out of hell" velocity to "koala on Quaaludes," and a helpful officer of the law always seems present to memorialize your lack of deceleration with an official government certificate. Wouldn't it be great to know where those speed traps are before you hit them?

Loyal "Lite" reader and notorious fisherman Stan Wright found a Web site that lists every state's speed traps. It's at speedtrap.org and lists 35 of Hawaii's favorite speed traps, including the H-3 tunnels ambush. The traps are submitted by drivers who apparently have been caught in them and are none too happy about it. Don't say you heard about this Web site here, or my driveway might mysteriously turn into a speed trap.

» Deal or no deal? THAT is the question: I will be joining thousands of other game-show fans trying to win an appearance on the popular show "Deal or No Deal." A casting call takes place at Pearlridge Center Uptown on Saturday starting at 10 a.m. Casting director Mary-Rachel Foot told me she expects a turnout of biblical proportions, or at least rivaling "American Idol" auditions.

And the good thing is YOU DON'T HAVE TO SING. Those trying out will have just 30 seconds to convince Mary-Rachel that they are ready for game-show prime time. She counsels wannabes to be spontaneous, creative and REAL. (Hey, I think I can fake that!) Do NOT come armed with a memorized "Hamlet" soliloquy.

» Hawaii is where you find it: I'm still waiting to hear from any actual Hawaiians who live in the city of Hawaiian Gardens, Calif. Readers have advised me that Hawaiian Gardens isn't a little slice of paradise. "Not nearly as idyllic as the real thing," wrote Ken Remson. Gabriel Nuno e-mailed: "I lived in Hawaiian Gardens for about 15 years. ... It's a poor neighborhood (only about 1 square mile) and there are no Hawaiians. I would stay out of Hawaiian Gardens at night if you are not from there because there is a gang and drug problem. But most people in Hawaiian Gardens are good, hard-working people."

Another reader notes that Australia boasts a town named Halekulani and various parks and suburbs called Waikiki, Aloha and Oahu Gardens. We can only hope they aren't controlled by vicious marauding gangs of kangaroos, koalas and wallabies, mate.

Buy Charles Memminger's hilarious new book, "Hey, Waiter, There's An Umbrella In My Drink!" at island book stores or online at any book retailer. E-mail him at cmemminger@starbulletin.com