Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Logline Critique Round Three #29

TITLE: Royal Trial
GENRE: YA historical fantasy

Within two days of returning from a five-year banishment, 19-year-old Lena has committed treason, created a national crisis, and rejected the king’s marriage proposal. (and/or) Obsession reigns in ROYAL TRIAL, combining madness, manipulation, and dangerous romance with an Italian Renaissance + Rococo France + Tudor England aesthetic.

8 comments:

I'd cut that second sentence. The first sentence is good, but I'd still like to know what's motivating her to do these things and what the stakes are - all these things in the 2 days sound like set up, and I want to know what's actually going to happen in the story, what she is doing and why.

I agree that you should cut the second sentence and fill in the details in the first. Why was Lena banished and by whom? You tell us Lena committed treason, created a national crisis and rejected the king's marriage proposal but you don't give us the consequenses. What does Lena have to do to fix the mess, how does she plan to do it, and what will happen if she fails?

Definitely the first one, but I have to admit, this logline feels like it has a lot of shock value, but not enough substance. All I get is that the MC has caused a lot of trouble, but I still don't know who she or the antagonist is.

"Within two days of returning from a five-year banishment, 19-year-old Lena has committed treason, created a national crisis, and rejected the king’s marriage proposal. Meanwhile, the king's scheming council plots to remove her from the equation and, if he won't let her go, the king from the throne. Obsession reigns in ROYAL TRIAL, combining dangerous romance with the madness of Henry VIII's England, the opulence of Louis XVI's Versailles, and the intrigue of Cesare Borgia's Italy."