Perhaps this is obvious to everyone else, but I really though that, SEVEN weeks post-surgery, I would be in better shape. Or at least no longer taking much, if any, pain medication. Every tells me to take it easy, and not be so hard on myself, but I really don’t think my expectations are that great.

Especially since these last days have seen a marked increase in my pain/ discomfort level. I am almost constantly experiencing a ‘buzzing’ sensation in my side and/or in the BLO, it’s somewhat akin to a feeling of heat, only without the actual change in temperature. I have stabbing pains, muscle spasms, twitches, and aches. These feelings often migrate into my underarm and bicep.

I am, to put it mildly, VERY grumpy. I snap. I growl. I am snarky and tetchy. I don’t like anything and am m ore than usually difficult to please.

I am tired.The lunesta seems to be losing its ability to help me get to sleep, and I’m spending hours each night lying on my side waiting for sleep to come. I’ve added hot cocoa (all natural) and herbal teas, and they help. . . but not enough.

I feel weepy and I wonder how long it will be before I feel well again.I truly wonder whether the reconstructive surgery is worth it by any measurable scale. Certainly not on a comparative one, not at this time. I hurt more now than I did with a fresh gaping wound.

Last night I nearly lost it BIG TIME when I realized that I have even more surgery in my future and I literally couldn’t imagine doing this again. Yet, the plan is to do it at least twice more, to varying degrees.

Our Wed flight was easy-peasy and my sister met us right outside the security area. We were checked in and unpacking by 9:30. We’re staying at the Parc 55, which opened in March of this year. I suspect it must be a refurb hotel,and not a new-built,but that’s because a number of small items are worn,far more so than I would expect in 9mos. For example, the ‘green cards’ letting us know that we can arrange to not have our sheets and towels washed every day are all frayed around the edges. Like they are recycled from another hotel. I don’t mind this at all,I’m in favor of it, in fact. (Less landfill!!!)

J.was hungry, so we went down to their in-house restaurant, Cityhouse, and had a look at the menu.Nice selection, and not overwhelmingly over-priced.J.had an apparently scrumptious trio of BBQ pork sliders, we shared an appetizer of absolutely delicious calamari, and I had a (fairly bland but beautifully presented) lobster ‘cocktail. I also had a nice,but not memorable pinot grigio from Luna Vineyards (2007). Sadly, our room (#765) was overlooking the street, and SIGNIFICANTLY noisy. Despite a sleeping aid, and wine, I could not fall asleep. At 1:30am, we switched rooms . . . to 1611.

I slept until 7:30, which is tolerable. I would have slept more, but our room was right next to the elevator, so there was a lot of hall traffic. A note about this room, and all of the Floor#11 rooms I believe — it is ‘handicapped accessible.’ But I have to say that although that may technically be correct, if I were in a WC I would be very unhappy with the accomodations. The bathroom had room for a WC, but there was a tub, so an assist would be needed to shower/bathe. There were two over-sized ‘club chairs’ as well as a chair for the desk, leaving very little room to actually move around the room. And I’m not in a WC. Not impressive.

Because of the proximity to the elevator, we moved yet again, this time to the 24th floor. Although the agent on duty told us this was an upgrade, I think that is only because of the view — which is quite lovely (pics to be shared later). Otherwise it is exactly the same as the one on the 7th floor. We slept well last night, however. (Note: I’ve been having trouble sleeping, even with Lunesta for almost a week now. It’s becoming quite troublesome.)

Yesterday we took the 5 Fulton and had brunch with my mother, then picked up cracked crab at Andronico’s and drove out to my sister’s. We baked cookies with my nephew and had a lovely meal of pasta, cracked crab, fresh sourdough, salad, and sauteed broccolini. A nice prosecco rounded out the meal. Today J and I woke up at 6:30am and drove to my sister’s, stollen in hand. We arrived with plenty of presents left to open and had a lovely time. My nephew is really starting to ‘get’ the point of the day, and he even stops to watch as others open gifts. The stollen was perfect, the coffee strong, and everyone had a great time.

At the moment I’m back in our room, listening to J. sleep. We’ll be heading back to my sister’s in a couple of hours for a few more gifts and dinner all together. Although I am very tired, I’m happy to be here and seeing everyone. And eating. 🙂

I’m mostly a little overwhelmed with life. My family usually gathers for Turkey Day, but my health issues precluded that. So we’re gathering (even my parents, who’re divorced 30+ years and haven’t been in the same room since my sister’s wedding 6 yrs ago) for Christmas. We’re leaving for San Francisco in a few hours and I’m just trying to tidy the house a bit before we go. (I hate coming home to a messy house!)

Healthwise: I am doing well, still waiting on test results to see whether I need chemo or not. So this is a bit of a ‘pause’ place. I can recover from the surgery, get (more) used to the breast-like-object on my chest, and enjoy being nicotine free for the first time in about 20 years.

Spiritually: I am processing this lesson like MAD. Saturn’s well-honed (and patented) Kick-in-the-Ass on behalf of the Universe has left me reeling on many levels. It literally could not have been better designed to ‘push all of my buttons’ and I am humbly doing the Work necessary to put it into perspective and move forward.

Financially: 2009 was great, and it’s a good thing because 2010 is going to hurt. We went ahead in the face of uncertainty and bought tickets to a trip to London and Venice in late 2010. Before we get there, however, the medical bills are going to eat into all of my extra money, and perhaps some of my savings. I am blessed with excellent medical people, however, and they are worth every dime it’s cost so far. I am doubly blessed by an excellent insurance package. So while I will pay, I am not paying all of it (it’ll be around$100k before it is all over).

Generally speaking: I continue to be blessed and fortune’s child. This year started with a boom, and me in the middle of a Lesson. The next 9 mos will see an evolution of that Lesson, and my role.

Spend a few hours crafting a job posting. Make sure ad specifies three specific qualities we are looking for and the three elements that are absolutely required to be considered.

Post the ad in two (appropriate) categories on craigslist at 6:07pm.

At 6:17pm receive first response.

At 6:18pm note that candidate lacks any qualifications and did not include two of the three required elements.

At 6:48 receive 2nd response; see note for 6:18pm.

Craft a form response:

Dear Candidate,

Your inability to read our advertisement and provide the required elements means that we will not even look at your resume.

You have wasted our time and succeeded only in demonstrating that you are either sending your resume to any posting to maintain unemployment benefits, or you have no idea what your skills are and what job you are trained to do.

You need all the luck in the world to find a job.

Delete response as being too cruel.

Craft a form response:

Dear Candidate,

Thank you for your interest in our listing for an **. However, your background and/or skill set is not appropriate for this position.

Good luck in your job search.

Save to folder and prepare to send out with every batch of 10 resumes.

If you blog, or read blogs; have a Facebook account, Twitter, read news online, have a web page . . . in short: if you do anything online — you care about the EFF.

Right now you can do two things to support them and it won’t cost you any money.

1. Sign the Open Letter to President Obama. When President Obama took office, he promised to usher in a new era of government transparency, and instructed federal government agencies to comply with Freedom Of Information Act requests “promptly and in a spirit of cooperation.
Today, however, some of those agencies are working overtime to prevent the release of important records which deserve the sunlight of public scrutiny.

2. Vote for EFF. After you sign the letter, vote for EFF at CREDO. The 50 nonprofits on CREDO’s 2009 list will divide $3,000,000 based on the percentage of votes received from CREDO customers and activists. CREDO will give you 100 points to vote — give all 100 to EFF! (Signing the petition allows you to vote at CREDO, even if you aren’t a member of their network.)

I’m a supporter of the EFF, you should be too — all they care about is protecting civil liberties online and in the digital world. If you want to know more about what they do, please see their website.

I was talking with my friend B. and he asked if I’d done a tarot reading about my situation. “Oh yes,” I said, “and I got bubkus. Nada. Chaos. I know it’s often tough to read for oneself, but I really got zip.”

“What did you ask?” he reasonably wondered.

“Um. Well, I couldn’t come up with a specific question, so I just asked what I need to know.”

“I’m going to leave the fact that you couldn’t think of a question for you to work on later, Ms. Psyche. But . . . let me get this straight. You’re in the middle of a crazy, mixed-up situation and you asked a really general question, of a very open-to-interpretation divination tool . . . and you got chaos?”

“Well, when you put it like that . . .”

So, I went upstairs and online. B. was still on the phone and he’ll verify what happened. I went to facade.com, chose ‘tarot’ and asked “should I reconstruct my breast?” (I believe I even made a ‘joke’ . . . you want me to be more specific? how about absolutely specific?)

The universe is a wonderful place, and it WILL answer when you ask. (One just doesn’t always hear or understand the answer . . . but that is another post.)

Celtic Cross, Rider Waite, no reversals or significator:

The card not shown but at the center of the cross, represents the atmosphere surrounding the central issue. Six of Wands (Victory): A sense of honor and satisfaction at the resolution of an important matter. Triumph after great struggle. Jubilation at the hearing of good news. The realization of hopes and desires.

The card visible at the center of the cross represents the obstacle that stands in your way – it may even be something that sounds good but is not actually to your benefit. The Emperor: Worldly authority and power. Social mastery and oratory. One who is intelligent, experienced, confident and reasonable. A patriarch or primary male influence. The motive force of politics and society. The ability to fulfill plans and use mental control over the emotions.

The card at the top of the cross represents your goal, or the best you can achieve without a dramatic change of priorities. Six of Swords (Science): Trusting in intelligence and intuition and setting off into the unknown. Leaving an untenable situation and charting a new course. Passage from difficulty and progress towards a solution. The road to recovery. Travel and exploration.

The card at the bottom of the cross represents the foundation on which the situation is based. The High Priestess: A pure, exalted and gracious influence. Education, knowledge, wisdom, and esoteric teachings. The forces of nature. Intuition, foresight, and spiritual revelation of the most mysterious and arcane sort.

The card at the left of the cross represents a passing influence or something to be released. The Star: New hopes and splendid revelations of the future. Insight, inspiration, courage and enlightenment of the spiritual self. Body and mind and converging towards the light at the end of a dark time.

The card at the right of the cross represents an approaching influence or something to be embraced. The Chariot: Victory through might. Advancement through bold action. Change through force. Order established through vigilance. A trying situation mastered by balancing opposing forces against each other. Discipline, individual effort and endurance will turn the tide.

The card at the base of the staff represents your role or attitude. Eight of Wands (Swiftness): A sudden release of raw power, cutting through confusion and indecision, and setting things in motion. Rapid progress towards a desired goal, brought about by immediate and decisive action. Boldness and daring in love, business, travel, or spiritual growth.

The card second from the bottom of the staff represents your environment and the people you are interacting with. Queen of Pentacles: The essence of earth behaving as water, such as a hot spring: A warm and generous host, providing shelter and comfort for all who would seek it. A person steadfast, practical, and domestic, able to create opulence and stability in any setting. The qualities of maturity and sensibility, coupled with an innate appreciation for nature and the material world.

The card second from the top of the staff represents your hopes, fears, or an unexpected element that will come into play. Seven of Pentacles (Assessment): A pause to check on the progress of your labors. Making difficult financial decisions. Exercising patience and perseverance. Evaluating the status of your work and your options for the future.

The card at the top of the staff represents the ultimate outcome should you continue on this course. Knight of Pentacles: The essence of earth behaving as fire, such as molten magma: One slow to action, but decisive and unrelenting once set in motion. A force of nature whose methods are as predictable and dependable as they are unstoppable. The voice of duty, honor, and responsibility. The will to the change the world, not through bold action, but through the thorough and unwavering application of proven means.

I think the reading stands for itself. A key for me was in the final card: the thorough and unwavering application of proven means. That meant doing what everyone was recommending: get the reconstruction. (I learned a lot from the other cards about the journey, but that sentence was *the* answer.)

Just because I was feeling fey, I then asked for a rune reading.

Single rune, gold runes:

The rune represents the critical factor in the issue at hand. Tyr is the symbol of the warrior. This rune most represents masculine force and potency, and frequently victory in battle. Beware though, for this rune represents directly the Norse god whose name it bears – Tyr stands out in legend for having sacrificed his hand that he might bind Fenrir, a monstrous wolf that threatens to swallow the world. As such, this rune is known to portend a great victory that can be bought with a terrible sacrifice. Tyr is also the god of law, frequently placed in such position above Odin. In this aspect, protection of justice may be had by this rune.