These pages are a place for me to analyze
my submissive thoughts and feelings. Here I
am safe to reveal details of our journey.
By the way, did you notice that 'analyze'
starts with the word anal (yes, I am giggling).

Also tossed in are my observations and opinons
on aspects of BDSM, as well as musings on vanilla topics.

Feel free to contact me if you have questions, or if you
just want to shoot the shit :)

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Wednesday, November 16, 2005

My Complexes Give Me A Complex

Well, my life upheaval has kind of leveled out. I still feel like something is off-kilter in my brain, but it isn't consuming me at this point. I still don't have the answers, I don't know if I can find them right now. Hell, I don't even know if they exist.

I have been hesitant to blog about the details of what caused all this heavy emotional stuff. See, I have a complex when it comes to blogging. Let me explain... or try to ;)

I LOVE writing, and blogging seems to agree with me. I actually like how I write on this blog, as opposed to when I try to write anything else, cause then I am just crap. I can't write fiction, non-fiction, my life story, nothing. It just comes out sounding totally mental. When I found blogging, I sort of found my writing niche. I can do this, the sporadic outpouring of my soul onto this page. My tiny corner of cyber space where I reveal to you the inner workings of my mind.

Sadly, I suffer from another complex that seriously stunts the blogging experience for me. I cannot STAND to know that someone doesn't like me. It doesn't have to be someone I know, but if I suspect that someone doesn't like me, I just feel crushed. Seriously, and I know it sounds totally fucked up.

For example, every time we had to deal with people involved in the building of our new house (kitchen designers, flooring people, etc, etc) I worried that they might not like me. I worry that when people act like they like me, that they are actually faking it and secretly dislike me.

I know that it is terribly egotistical to believe that people spend so much time thinking about me (either positively or negatively). Plus I know that this entire problem stems from my struggle with low self-esteem and self-doubt. So why can't I just get over it?

Beats the hell out of me, but if you have the answer, please share. I would love to know how to stop caring about what other people think.

So, back to blogging. Because I am so afraid that I will say something that will cause my readers to not like me or stop reading me, I censor myself. Sometimes more than others. When it comes to topics that I think might make some of my readers boo and hiss, I just don't blog them. Or I do blog them, but I keep it vague.

This is one of those times. I am seriously too chicken to tell you all the truth about what happened to me recently. I am afraid that some of you won't like it.

Good grief, I feel stupider just for admitting it. I have to hit publish now or I might just delete this post.