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I Was Awesome

One time, one of my friends was telling me how all awesome people totally think they are awesome, and I was like, dude, I am one of those awesome people you are talking about, and he was like, I am so sorry, that is so crazy, I had no idea, and I was like, dude, it’s totally cool, but maybe next time just don’t be so hard on awesome people.

There was one time when my singles ward had this huge competition to see who was the awesomest person ever, and I was totally freaked out being around all those other awesome people, but the thing is, we were sitting around later and talking and saying, “I was so psyched out by you, because you were so freaking awesome!” and then the other person would say, “You were freaked out? I was f-r-e-a-k-i-n-g out because of how unbelievably awesome you are!” And a ton of us ended up being super tight friends because of that weekend.

But since I have moved out of that ward I’ve been hearing from people that the awesomeness contest is way scaled down now, which is freaking lame, yo, and some people are even saying you don’t even have to be that awesome to win it which, in my opinion, is a major loss for everyone, awesome or not.

It’s totally wierd to me that sometimes people are uptight about admitting that they are awesome, and that other people get all mad at them when they admit to being awesome. It’s just like, people hate you for being awesome, and you can’t even help it.

So, is anyone else out there awesome? (Don’t you hate it when someone recognizes that you are awesome, and you are freaking pumped that they did, but you don’t want to act like you’re pumped, so you’re all like, it’s no big deal, but a sloppy grin kind of sneaks its way around your defenses, showing that you’re pumped that someone knows, even though you’re trying to act like you wish they didn’t? That sucks!) Has anyone ever come close to being awesome, but not made the final cut? Was that totally crappy, or what? If you’re not awesome, what is your opinion of people who are?

I freely admit that when compared against the large group of other people who have founded international organizations, reeled in a job with the State Department, and got accepted into Ivy League graduate programs, I am by far the most resentful. In fact, in the annual newsleter of the OOPWHFIORIAJWTSDAGIILGP (Organization of People Who Have Founded International Organizations, Reeled In A Job With The State Department, And Got Accepted Into Ivy League Graduate Programs), I was voted “Sadly, The Most Resentful.” But I was also voted, “Most Awesome,” which made up for it.

There was a prophecy talking about how awesome I would be. Something about noble and great ones. I always knew there was something about me, that I was destined for greatness.

When I got to that school and met all those other awesome people, I felt like I didn’t have to hide anymore. And yet I still carried around a secret burden of being so much more awesome.

I was surprised to find that some of my friends were a little perturbed about all the extra resources the school was pouring into the Quidditch teams, a lot more than they got for their book allowances. But I never objected because I am also awesome at Quidditch.

(I’ve seen Finding Nemo dozens of times. I don’t know why. I have no kids. I’m just inexplicably drawn to it. Over and over and over again. There must be a subliminal message in it that summons me. Wait… I hear it now….)

Whoa, dude, bro, you’re back. Can I tell you how freakin’ awesome that is?! Dude, man, I was just so into what you had to say, you know, because like it is so true. It wasn’t just awesome–it was choice!

Like I didn’t even want to say I was awesome in the first place, because I thought, you know, that some guy might like make fun of me, you know, because dude like even though I am awesome, I know some people who are way, way, way more awesomer. I mean way. And like I make fun of them, and when I make fun of them I do it so awesomly, that’s why I am so awesome in the first place.

So man, like, to admit I was awesome I so had to step out of my comfort zone and like push the envelope like that dude in that movie TOP GUN or was it POINT BREAK, I forget. But dude, when I read what you wrote you made me laugh with your own awesomeness, but also like my brain froze because you showed that it’s true when you are awesome people will make fun, but also like then you took down your words like you were ashamed at your own awesomenicity! Yah, bro. Whoa. So many levels. Were you like afraid of offending some awesome babe whose whole family is awesome? If so, hey, that’s awesome.

But what you need to remember is that there is awesome and there is truly awesome. And if you’re like truly awesome you can laugh at your own awesomnosity.

And dude, I must say, bro, you are awesome. But me…I am truly awesome. And way choice, bro, so choice.