Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Two posts in one day? i dunno what you guys did to deserve this, but you best start repenting before I'm forced to blog again.

So...I'm bummed. I thought the dr was going to rid me of my need for a gimp scooter by giving me that walking boot thing. One torture device to another, but a downgrade, for sure. Alas, he gave me three more weeks of being a crip, much to my shagrin. It's not his fault, he just wants me to heal properly before I start putting 400 pounds of mass on my poor size 10. And he probably didn't deserve the elementary-style tantrum that I made him endure. I guess it's hard for me to be respectful to him because even though he's a surgeon, he's like 12. Well, he looks like he is. Plus he looks like Kumar. So he's talking to me about bones and cartilage and whatnot and in my head, I'm all "mmm, white castle...." It's not that cool.

I dunno, I just wanted my damn boot. Up with Boots, Down with Scoots!So here's the story of the airport. It was already a real miserable day. My nephew told me he didn't have to be at school until 9:30 so he went to have breakfast with me and my sisters. Turns out school started at like 7:something and the teacher had already called my brother and SIL looking for my missing nephew. My brother and my sisters are like sworn mortal enemies so when I saw his truck whip into the parking lot, I already knew some bad shit was about to go down. He came in and grabbed the kid without talking to anyone and took off. He spent the rest of the day ignoring me TO THE EXTREME. Wouldn't answer my calls and then he like drove off when I went to his job. He made it out to be some deep plot about how I stole the kid so my sisters could see them, which is so not what happened. But either way, it meant I was on my own to find a ride to the airport.

Nothing strikes fear into my dad's heart like saying "They're gonna stop showing Gunsmoke on Encore: Westerns, dad." OR "Hey dad, i need you to take me to the airport." I mean, it was like i was asking for his one good kidney. He finally manned up and decided he could do it. So we get there and I get outta the truck and I'm trying to arrange my suitcases in such a way that I can actually carry them and I feel something giant nudging against my ass. This is when i turn around and see that my own father is hitting me with his goddamn truck. Totally oblivious too.

I try to get the eff outta the way so I don't get a tire running up my asscrack...but being fat, and admittedly, a little slow, my foot didn't make it out in time and he rolled over it. So because i missed my next step due to a truck being on my foot, I also fell down...hard. I mean, I slammed into the fucking ground. Hard enough to knock the air out of me. So I try to get up and I make it to my knees before i realize what the hell really just happened. It's around this time my dad finally stops and gets out to see what all the hubbub is aboot.

He didn't even know he did it! He thought i just fell...(yet another fall to add to that previous post). He's all "Tricia! What are you doing??" All I can do is stare daggers and try to catch my breath. This car full of people saw the whole thing transpire and came over to help me. This one lady's like "YOU JUST RAN OVER THIS GIRL, SHOULD YOU EVEN BE DRIVING??" Internally I chuckle but I'm in pain, people! So I was like "...that's my dad." Which she then "oh...gosh"ed. Man, this coulda been my big payoff but it had to be my broke ass dad behind the wheel. :P

Anyway, everyone tried to get me to stay and go to the emergency room, but I was all EFFFFFF THAT. I didn't wanna spend even one more shitty minute in this town and i just wanted to get home where no one thinks I kidnapped their kid and no dads are trying to run me over. THEN my flight got delayed, of course.

Seven hours later, we land in vegas and my foot is like...dead. I had to get the wheelchair people to come get me because I couldn't even walk up the ramp from the airplane by this time. It was all "Um, my dad ran over my foot, can i get a wheelchair please?" Sigh. Then they send like the OLDEST lady alive to come wheel my fat ass around. I see her approaching me with a wheelchair and it looked like she needed to be IN it, not using it to push around some fattie with a hurt paw. It was like my destiny to be tortured by geriatrics that day because she had to call for "backup". Mortified. Seriously.

Finally some other old lady shows up and they combine their elderly forces to heft me up the ramp. I can honestly say that being wheeled through a crowded airport in a too-small wheelchair being navigated by the Elderly Coalition was NOT my finest hour, but I was still appreciative for the ride. I gave them ten bucks each for the lift, because i figured that might cover all the Icy Hot they'd need to be able to get to sleep that night. Then again, maybe i should have gone for 20 each.

Jeff finally gets me to an ER and I have to explain the story to like the 50th person that nite. They give me a splint and some Lortabs and I call my boss to say "guess what? I'm not gonna be around for a while." That went over real well at 3am on a Wednesday morning, but what could I do?

I had surgery about 3 weeks ago and now here we are, just me, my scooter, and lots of Advils.

Figures I would be gone for like MONTHS then come back and spend the whole time whining about my foot. You guys know I have a super low pain tolerance so i'm pretty sure everyone in my life just wishes I would STFU about it already, but this foot was made for whinin', and that's just what I'll do. Y'know?

Oh yeah, here's my gross foot.

It was way grosser today because it was all bright pink and swollen. Sucks, man. I used to pride myself on the fact that at least my feet weren't that fat, and now it's all swollen and gross. The doctor said it should go down some, but that it'll always be "a little fatter" (That's it for now. Sorry so long, but it is lonely being stuck in my room all night while Jeff watches gay porn on the HDTV in the living room. At least Biggest Loser starts tonite, weeeeee.

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comments:

I'm glad you are back. I have missed your hilarious antics in this blog world. Sorry about your foot, that blows, but hey, it's just a minor set back. Do what you need to do to get it healed up and you will be better in no time!

Your foot picture sobered me up but before that I was laughing my ass off trying to figure out how I managed here in blog world so long without your great sense of humor. Hope you heal up quickly and I'm with the commenter that said dad needs a kick in the ass with your steel plated foot when it's all better lol. Sounds like you're making the best of a crappy situation.

What is with those helpers at the airport being so old? That is so funny. And then, of course, the doctor is about 12 years old. That happens to me all the time (now they patronize me and say, "How young are you?" talk about F-that) but at 25 they're younger? Funny. Feel better.

Okay, I know this isn't really funny, your dad driving over your foot, the surgery, the picture of your poor foot, but OMG, I laughed so hard I was crying!

Seriously, I'm really sorry. Also, the thing about the one foot always being a bit bigger, it's sadly true. Happened to my girlfriend. She broke her ankle about 15 years ago and it has steel screws and a rod in it and it's always a little swollen. Maybe someday you can have all that stuff taken out and it'll be like new.