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Guardian Amity: Tangled Sexuality

Hello, and welcome to the Guardian Amity Interview. I’m Guardian Amity, and today we have another rather unusual guest, Ms Annabella, which is not her real name. She is a living, breathing woman’s alter-ego, or inner self, or whatever one might call it, since there is no established vocabulary to describe such an entity. Let’s welcome her, shall we?

Guardian Amity: Welcome, Annabella!

Annabella: Why are you calling this piece “Tangled Sexuality”?

GA: How do you know that’s what I’m calling it?

A: I’m deeply intuitive. So?

GA: Well, after we’ve had this discussion, it turns out a lot of it was about your host’s sexuality and that of the person she is attracted to.

A: My host? She’s not my host. Jeez, Guardian, she could not survive without me. Sure, she controls her physical self, and things like the words she says out loud, but I’m like the one who is truly responsible.

GA: We’ll call her Jane Doe then, all right?

A: Fine.

GA: So what do you enjoy most about being Jane Doe’s alter ego?

A: Life! I get to see what she sees, feel what she feels, hear what she hears. Life is amazing, you know?

GA: Certainly. And what is most problematic for you?

A: That she doesn’t listen to me. That she thinks in words and not images, so I am overwhelmed with words words words. I’m not good with words… I can’t just tell her what to do or what to expect. And I don’t always understand words, hers or anyone else’s, since they are often so foreign to what the person actually thinks or feels.

GA: So how do you communicate with her?

A: In dreams, mostly. Or I start rubbing and tugging at her, from the inside, and she becomes aware that something hurts, or is not right, or is ok, or is dangerous.

GA: How do you communicate in dreams?

A: It’s hard, because she is so damn literal. For instance, if she is mad at herself, I might play the role of her mother, and be mad at her in a dream. Then she wakes up and thinks her mother is mad at her. She can be really dense.

Dreams can be random too, but she doesn’t know the difference between the random ones and the dreams where her mother or some stranger (played by me again; I’m quite the thespian) does or says something that she should really think about. Like, I wondered what sex would be like with [famous hockey player], so I went ahead and did it, in a dream. It was fantastic! He was even more–

GA: Back to the point, please.

A: Well she remembered the sex dream, but was all embarrassed and tried to forget it, which spoiled all my fun.

GA: So she is a little inhibited when it comes to sex?

A: Good heavens, yes. Not just sex of course, she has other quirks, like her fear of oak barrels, but yes: she thinks she is pretty free-spirited, modern, liberal, but she twists herself into knots about sex like everyone else.

GA: How so?

A: Repression, Guardian, repression. She stuffs her wildest, most extreme –and, sadly the most true and deeply felt– ideas and emotions way down deep into her soul.

GA: Like what?

A: She likes to think she is “normal”, that she wants to find a good man, maybe marry and settle down. But she doesn’t.

GA: She doesn’t?

A: First of all, let’s say she is sexually “fluid”, though she doesn’t know it. Second, one person, forever? Are you kidding? She gets bored, not with the man, but with the sex. She wants, desperately wants, variety, thrills and chills, though again, she is not aware of this. She would not do well in a monogamous relationship, Guardian.

GA: But she does have monogamous relationships, doesn’t she?

A: Boyfriends? Sure. She thinks she’s looking for a soulmate. What a joke.

GA: Joke?

A: The man she is interested in now is completely wrong. It’s hilariously sad.

GA: Why?

A: They work in the same building, and used to say hello in the elevator, and they both take late lunches, so they started eating lunch together, and now she is smitten. Thinks about him all the time, and not just in words, if you get my drift.

GA: What’s wrong with him?

A: Nothing at all– he’s smart, compassionate, has a real self-deprecating sense of humour, a perfect guy in so many ways. Alas, he doesn’t know he’s gay.

GA: How do you know?

A: Like I said, I’m deeply intuitive.

GA: If you know he’s gay, does Jane Doe know?

A: Of course, but she just has this knowledge buried so far underground that she’d need a pile driver to get at it.

GA: Why would she want to bury it?

A: For the same reason she buries her own sexuality. The same reason this guy buries his sexuality. People are afraid of it. They don’t like examining what it means, especially if they are not what our culture calls The Norm. And the sexual feelings are powerful, Guardian, and that scares Jane and her man friend, too.

GA: Do they scare you?

A: No, not at all. I have other things to be frightened of.

GA: Like what?

A: Pot, coke, wine, whiskey. I fade or outright disappear when Jane takes too much of any kind of drug or any kind of alcohol. It’s a strange feeling. I cease to be for awhile, so in a way, so does Jane. I can’t protect her. If she doesn’t remember, I don’t remember. I don’t like not remembering, I’m the keeper of memories. Sure, she has some suppressed memories from her childhood and she doesn’t currently remember those, but I hold them in our vault. Otherwise, I don’t mind a glass or three of wine Guardian, and I know you do too.

GA: Your deep intuition.

A: Correct. There is one very surprising thing about you, Guardian, that you are not aware of. Do you want to know what it is?

[Pause]

GA: No.

[Pause]

GA: Thank you , Annabella, and thanks to our audience. See you next time!