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A report by the Department of Health has concluded that the majority of people in their mid-twenties are still not feeling the magic of the festive season despite the worrying proximity to Christmas Day.

Most had returned ‘home’ just to get their clothes ironed with 75% feeling ‘no different to normal’ and as many as 89% expecting to sleep soundly on Christmas Eve.

The report suggests it’s a problem that worsens year on year. Steven McCafferty, a twenty-something from Aberdeen, said; ‘Last Christmas I was hungover and helped my Mum with the washing up because she’d done her back in and it was like going to Eurodisney, seeing Mickey Mouse sat with his big fake head off, having a fag and arguing with his girlfriend on his mobile. So this time I’ve been wearing one of those bright paper crowns since October. But still nothing, ‘

Doctors recommend that those afflicted should do their best to regress into a state of pre-adolescence by opening advent calendars on the correct days, posting a christmas list and watching the first two Home Alone films, but warn that under no circumstances should 3 & 4 be viewed.

And if all else fails, the doctors suggest, twentysomethings should stand in front of their house and drive a remote control car up and down the street to try and get in the festive mood that way. ‘There’ll be plenty of time in January to think again of how your childhood has receded beyond your grasp forever with nothing but a lifetime of office-based tedium looming ahead of you like a long Siberian winter,’ they added cheerily.