Month: April 2007

Thus far I have been spared my wife dressing up in Hello Kitty costumes and, as you might well imagine, don’t have any urge to encourage such a hideous idea. It was therefore with extreme disgust I found this in my email this morning:

Now I realize that you look at this photo and simply say “wtf????” because that is the reaction of any normal person. So when a Hello Kitty fanatic begins to tell you how cute the outfit is, basically nothing registers because, quite frankly, your mind can’t fathom that the words reaching your ears could ever be true. At this point you hope that what you are hearing is a dream rather than reality, but soon realize that in Hello Kitty Hell you don’t wake up from nightmares like this…

Now that my wife is looking at adding Hello Kitty guitars to her collection, it inevitably leads to Hello Kitty guitar accessories. Since I’ve already mentioned that she doesn’t play, nor has any plans to learn to play, why in Hello Kitty Hell she needs a Hello Kitty guitar amplifier is beyond me (but then again, so are the guitars in the first place):

I guess it really could be worse (wow, I can’t believe those words actually came out of my mouth) – if my wife actually did learn how to play the guitar, I would not only have to listen to her rendition of Hello Kitty songs on them, but also to the hours and hours of her practicing them. It really is a sad day in Hello Kitty Hell when I actually feel myself lucky that it isn’t worse…

update: Because everything sounds worse through a Hello Kitty amplifier, multiple models to produce this awfulness were obviously necessary:

Now, any normal person would assume that if a person buys a guitar, they know how to play or have an interest in learning how to play the guitar. This logic, however, escapes the Hello Kitty fanatic. Not only does my wife not know how to play the guitar, she has absolutely no interest in learning how to play. Despite this, she has to have a Hello Kitty guitar because it is “sooooo cute” (I think these two words really should be banished from the English language).

Even worse? I’m not even allowed to play it. The other day, I thought It would be cool to learn to play a little and decided to get the guitar out to try. Now I know that a man playing a Hello Kitty guitar doesn’t do a whole hell of a lot toward creating a manly image, but I figured I was at home and nobody was ever going to see this indiscretion on my part. So I have it out and am about ready to play when all Hello Kitty Hell breaks loose

Now if there is anything worse than a Hello Kitty fanatic, it’s a Hello Kitty fanatic that is angry (note to all men who have the true misfortune to be involved with a Hello Kitty fanatic – don’t, under any circumstances, touch her Hello Kitty stuff without her permission).

wife: “Don’t you even think about playing that guitar. What if you accidentally scratch it?!?”

me: “What’s the use of having a guitar if you aren’t even going to play it?” (thinking: oops, should have stopped that before it came out)

wife: “You don’t understand anything. You don’t have to play to hear the music that Hello Kitty brings to everyone. All you have to do is look at it and you can hear the music.”

me: “…” (thinking: ?????????)

Which pretty much sums up Hello Kitty Hell – lots of Hello Kitty goods that have a use, but can’t be used for their intended purpose because Hello Kitty is on them (don’t worry, if none of that made sense, it just means you’re not a Hello Kitty fanatic which is a good thing)

Of course, now there are other Hello Kitty Guitars that have been made and my wife is considering which (or all if she can find the money) to add to her collection:

Hello Kitty Fernandes Collectors’ Edition

Hello Kitty Fender Stratocaster Limited Edition

Hello Kitty Fender Stratocaster (pink)

Hello Kitty Fender Stratocaster (black)

Hello Kitty Fender Mini (pink)

Hello Kitty Fender Mini (black)

Too many readers to list sent me photos of these guitars – may you all have to listen to Hello Kitty theme songs played on the guitar each day for the rest of your lives…

It’s bad enough that Hello Kitty comes in all its man-made shapes and forms, but Hello Kitty Hell gets even worse when Hello Kitty appears naturally. Hello Kitty fans believe this is some divine intervention showing that Hello Kitty is loved by all rather than the obvious truth that it was simply a grotesque mutation that should have never appeared on earth. That is the case with this latest photo that was sent to me:

Wife: “That is the cutest thing that I have ever seen. Scientists should really sit down and think of away to genetically make strawberries to look like Hello Kitty. If they did that, everyone would want to buy strawberries.”

There is probably a scientist at Sanrio right now working on a way to make this possible because that is exactly how Hello Kitty Hell works…

Reader hksweet (what the hell is with all these “hk” usernames visiting this blog?) deserves to taste only strawberry for the rest of her life for sending this photo to me (and even more punishment if it ever becomes a cash crop).

Part of Hello Kitty Hell is that people (especially my wife) believe that anything, if turned into Hello Kitty, will automatically be cute. Now I can see that with most things this might be able to be argued (if you happen to like Hello Kitty), but Hello Kitty fanatics take it to a level beyond what is normal. It is beyond me why someone would get the inspiration to create a Hello Kitty scarecrow (then again, this seems to be the normal daily operation of Hello Kitty Hell):

When I first saw this photo, all I could think was, “Yes, Hello Kitty in a bad horror movie as a scarecrow would be quite fitting and definitely scary.” My wife had a completely different reaction: “Isn’t that cute? I think I’ll make miniature versions for our flower garden!” So now I can expect the images of Hello Kitty scarecrows to come into my nightmares meaning that Hello Kitty will not even leave me alone when I sleep. Yep, another typical example of Hello Kitty expanding her domain in Hello Kitty Hell…

Reader cutesy really should have to dream about this monstrosity every night for sending the photo…

It’s cherry blossom viewing season in Japan and so my wife wants to make a picnic and go view the cherry blossoms. Then Hello Kitty Hell struck with a link left in the last post that showed photos of various Hello Kitty obento creations:

I don’t even want to imagine what I’m going to see when I open my bento box next time. You know those scary movies when the main character decides that it’s a good idea to go down into the basement, and the feeling you get when she/he opens the basement door – that “No! No! Don’t do it! How the hell can you be so stupid? You know how horrible it’s going to be down there!” That’s the feeling I’m going to have every time I open up a bento box from now on…which pretty much is on par with Hello Kitty Hell.

From Mrs Muffle in the comments who should be forced to not only make these for herself, but also eat them everyday from now on… (via e-charaben)

Update: One would think that the above Hello Kitty bentos would be enough to swear all others off of creating their own, but that would be greatly underestimating the complete lack of sanity of Hello Kitty fanatics:

Well, this little Hello Kitty email pretty much guaranteed Hello Kitty Food Hell for the rest of my life. Now not only can my wife search for all the Hello Kitty branded food out there to torture me with, but if for some reason she’s in a hurry or can’t find a particular food that comes with Hello Kitty, she can simply brand it with a Hello Kitty stamp:

Just thinking about all the food my wife can now Hello Kittify is nauseating in itself. Even worse, there is no doubt that Hello Kitty Hell has reached a new pinnacle of Hellishness when you not only are surrounded by her 24/7 on the outside, but she is also slowly moving her way through your bowels day and night…

Obviously, eemcginnis who passed this photo my way deserves to eat as much Hello Kitty food as I will eventually have to eat…

There are things that you begin to expect when you live in Hello Kitty Hell. You take for granted that standard items are going to come in a Hello Kitty edition. If they make a Hello Kitty car, it seems pretty obvious they also make a Hello Kitty bicycle:

But Hello Kitty is never satisfied with merely coming in obvious forms. She always takes it a step further by placing her face on items that make you stop and wonder what the hell was someone thinking?!?

Then it dawns on you that the person who thought of that knew that there were Hello Kitty fanatics in the world and even though it makes absolutely no sense at all, it will become a best seller and make them a lot of money. Unfortunately, part of those riches are coming from my wife.

wife: “If we get those tires, then we can ride through the mud and we can leave a trail of Hello Kitty where ever we go!”

me: … (unable to utter a sound as I think of how utterly disgusting that thought is)

It seems appropriate in Hello Kitty Hell that Hello Kitty would leave a trail of herself everywhere we went. While that may be a dream for a Hello Kitty fanatic, it is just one more confirmation that no matter how bad you think Hello Kitty Hell can get, there is always something around the corner to remind you the worst is yet to come (it is only a matter of time before they start making Hello Kitty tires for cars…)

I believe that compound punishment should be bestowed when a guy, as in this case with zbicyclist, sends me Hello Kitty photos…there is something very wrong when Hello Kitty Hell takes a step in that direction.

One of the many troubles with living in Hello Kitty Hell is that every holiday is an excuse to get more Hello Kitty. It makes no difference that Hello Kitty has absolutely no connection with the event — she will find a way to be there. Take, for example, these Hello Kitty Easter Eggs:

from reader shoho

How in Hello Kitty Hell did Hello Kitty weasel her way into this holiday? There is absolutely no connection, but there she is like she owns the holiday.

There is just something totally depressing knowing that I will wake up on Sunday to find pink colored eggs covered with Hello Kitty all over the house. Not to mention too many assortments of Hello Kitty candy. I’m already feeling sick and the day hasn’t even arrived…

Oh, how I long for the good old days when the only concern at Easter was whether the chocolate bunny was hollow or solid…

Reader shoho, who sent the original photo (to get my wife really excited about a Hello Kitty Easter), should really have to eat nothing but Hello Kitty Easter candy for the next week…

Well, it has certainly become a classic Hello Kitty Hell day. My last post hasn’t even been up an hour and I’m getting multiple emails that my wife can get a Hello Kitty iPod. It’s not like she really needs encouragement, you know?

And when my wife sees the Hello Kitty iPod (which of course I’m trying desperately to hide from her), she looks at me like I’m an idiot and says, “I already have that….why do you think I want the Hello Kitty iPod recharger?”

You can imagine how many Hello Kitty items are in our house when I don’t even know that my wife already has a Hello Kitty iPod…and that, my friends, is true Hello Kitty Hell…

Reader Energist deserves to listen to Hello Kitty music 24/7 for a month for sending the photo which made me look like a fool in front of my wife and made me realize that listening to Hello Kitty music on a Hello Kitty iPod (being charged by a Hello Kitty recharger) in our Hello Kitty car is no longer a possibility, but an inevitability…