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Month: December 2016

I forgot my hour of writing yesterday. But I did complete the book I was reading and now will definitely have to watch the movie.

I have felt like I am suffocating all day. We are in a transition period from me leaving my full time job and focusing on my direct sales job with Scentsy. Scentsy is AMAZING, but just like any commission based job – it can be inconsistent. I have AMAZING customers and I really love everything from the CEO’s down about the company. I have worked really hard since I started in March and have made two promotions. I have also built my team to six and plan to keep going. But December was slow- $233 in commission so far. My normal paycheck’s monthly with the law firm added up to about $1,600 a month. I will keep working and keep the best customer service I can for my peeps. However, because we are tight this month I keep fighting the urge to feel lost. I have never been with someone who was the main provider, let alone without me working. Every relationship I have been in, I generally was the “bread winner”, if not the sole provider. I know the resentment that builds from that. I know that when life is good, and you can afford groceries and the basics, with a plus of being able to have enough left for “fun things” is preferable. We have a few months to catch up, I know this won’t be overnight. I know that the coming months will be much better for business. I know that in June most consultants failed and I made my highest commission month out of all the others. I KNOW I can do this.

But, I am suffocating right now. I feel like I need to be running around with a spotless house and keeping up with my posh mark closet. I feel like I need to be doing something more. I don’t want my wife to feel like she needs to work another job, or that we don’t have what we need. We had to call her Mom and borrow $70 to get a couple groceries for the house. My wife and I both get paid on January 10th, so we aren’t far away.

And why is my whole post so far filled with “but’s”. I know I need to accept and recognize and pump myself up for all the great I have done since leaving my full time job. I know that I have done a lot of great things so far, but I am worried it is not enough. I have no idea how to take on this role of stay at home wife. I have no idea what the hell I am doing. Scuse’ the language.

We are still minimalizing our home. I cannot tell you the amount of items we have trashed, donated, or sold. I think we are up to about $200 in sales for stuff we have sold and still so much more to get rid of in one way or another.

Hey, I’m broke. But I am still breathing, my wife is still breathing. We have fur babies for love besides on another. We are happy and we could stand to miss a meal or two. We are broke…but breathing.

So here I sit, ready for my hour of writing. We went to see Jane today. She has stage 3b lung cancer. It is about an 8 inch mass beside her lung and wrapping up around her esophagus. It is inoperable. This is definitely not the news we wanted, so we put on our brave faces and we are taking it day by day. The doctor did say this is a direct result of her smoking, although she quit 8 years ago.

Can you believe that your body will never be not at risk for smoking related diseases until at minimum 15 years of non smoking? I have been an “actual” smoker since I was 16 years old. I am now 33 years old and it has been 17 years of smoking. If I quit tomorrow, I wouldn’t be free of smoking related diseases until I am 48 years old. I know that this doesn’t take away ALL the risk, it just decreases your chances. As much as I hate that Jane will most likely pass due to her cancer, and that the cancer was caused by smoking, I don’t know how I would ever fully quit.

I have friends who have quit in years past, and even 10 years later they admit it is still hard for them to not want to pick one up if they are around someone smoking. I’ve always had the stance that I should just live my life, with whatever vices I choose, because life is going to deal me the cards it chooses anyway.

When I worked as a patient care technician when I was 21 years old, I worked on a cardiac unit. We had a woman named Ellie who was 98 years old vist our ward. She had to have triple bypass surgery and she made such an impression on me. She was so sweet and very wise. She told me that she had never smoked, drank, done drugs and had been a strict vegan her whole life. But yet here she sat, with triple bypass surgery. Ellie told me, “Jennifer, LIVE your life. Eat what you want, drink what you want, smoke what you want – God has a plan for you either way, so your fate is sealed.” I am sure that I would never do heroin or drugs in general, I take blood pressure medicine and diabetes medication. I know that the health problems I have now are due to my weight and to my smoking habit too. But I am 33 years old, no children, no siblings. My wife is older than me by 6 years. Ultimately, we will live out our lives and what will happen will happen.

If I could go back to 13 years old, I would of never even attempted smoking. If I could go back to 16 years old, I would of never kept the habit going as I learned how to actually smoke and inhale. At this point, what is the use for me? I do plan to get my weight in better control this next year. I have already started by losing 20lbs. I am sure some of that is from the help of my diabetes medicines. Somewhere though, I have to decide that I want this more than anything and just do it. I am fat. I am still able to be active without limitations, I don’t even really eat much. I just eat the bad foods, the bad carbs, all the sodas. My wife had weight loss surgery, and while I know her struggle and I know that as much as she tried she just wasn’t losing – I feel that for ME, it would be a cop out. And I don’t know if anyone has ever told you, but weight loss surgery is NO joke and the pre surgery diet is worse than the after effects of surgery. My wife really struggled and it was so hard to watch.

My wife’s surgery was over a year ago now, and while she lost 100lbs, we have begun back into old patterns. The only difference is she physically cannot eat the foods she was before. BUT, we signed her up for a new gym opening this weekend! We have also committed to trying out living a minimalist lifestyle, we have begun decluttering our home. We are really looking into more recipes to cook at home, and sodas will be gone. I have successfully done this before and so has she. WE CAN DO THIS.

I know everyones resolutions are always get healthy, blah blah blah. BUT I have a real opportunity here to lose weight, follow my passions, learn what I am passionate about, and do what really drives me. We are in discussions of moving to a smaller city outside of our medium sized town. This new town would be small enough that we would have to go “in town” to go to a grocery store or Wal-Mart. This little town has a dairy queen and a gas station. I think it is PERFECT for us to get away from bad foods. We won’t have the conveinence of just going a block away to grab fatty foods.

The town we live in now is moderate size I guess, but you can get anywhere in 10 minutes. There is no traffic really ever. It has been really easy to go places, eat bad foods, and just sit around. We don’t have as big of a social life as we did in the metroplex we lived in before. So moving to a smaller town 15 minutes from the “city” really won’t hurt us socially or in any other way. It will also save us $200 a month in rent, which we can always use more money. We have set out on this journey to save as much as we can, pay off our credit card debt, get healthier, and simply our lives. So far, we are succeeding. It is so hard to catch up on debt because you find yourself thrown backwards with fees. Everyday is a new step forward. So hey, if you have an advice to do any of those things – feel free to shoot them my way!

When I walked into family Christmas with my wife, at that time my girlfriend, for the first time it was a bit overwhelming. I was surrounded by at least twenty people, laughing, smiling, and hugging. As the night went on, we prayed before we ate a meal together. The men were strong yet gentle. The women were funny, beautiful, and I could tell were much stronger than first glance would show. I was uncomfortable when we prayed. I wasn’t used to this huge circle of people holding hands, bowing their heads and praying. I wasn’t even sure if God and I were friends. I knew that it brought back memories of myself as a child, knees locking, passing out on the floor of a Catholic church. As the years’ have gone by, I have become more comfortable with this. I have sat in waiting rooms with my soon to be official family while loved ones were sick. I have hugged necks and kissed faces. I have become family.

I married my wife this past October. We had a tiny ceremony, with just our parents. I have begun to search for purpose, for God, for spirituality. I have even downloaded an app to give me a daily devotional to read.

On December 21st right before Christmas, we sat in the lobby of a hospital with about twenty people waiting to hear news from a biopsy of my wife’s Aunt Jane. She was having trouble breathing, every other word was a gasp for air. She has had other cancers before but we were concerned because this was affecting her lymph nodes. We sat around as a family, while we waited for her to go back to surgery. We were VIP, we had family there who worked for the very hospital Jane was in. We didn’t need a “number” on the hospital waiting room screen to tell us what step she was in the process. We had downloaded the app to get updates as she went, and we had insiders who could let us know. The doctor gave us hope that out of all the lymph nodes removed, that none looked cancerous. We had hope as a family. A mixed, in law, blood, family. When Jane’s eldest son told us what the doctor had said originally, we all gathered and listened. Her sons, who are the biggest jokesters in the family, became silent and wet formed around their eyes. My wife immediately began to cry, she is such a soft soul. I followed her to the restroom to have a moment of silence and fear. While we were gone, the family prayed in a circle. Just like on holidays or events, they formed a circle and prayed. As told from a family member, the whole entire waiting room grew silent as our family prayed in that big waiting room. We left hopeful, and we knew that she would be on a breathing tube for a few days. Regardless, we had hope because the doctor told us it didn’t look cancerous. But here we get the call on a Tuesday night that the lymph nodes removed were in fact cancerous. That this is cancer. This family has been broken by cancer many times, but it never ever gets easier.

Jane was one of the first people to hug me and say I love you. She is funny, loud, and she loves God. She preaches at any chance she gets, with her compression sleeve on her arm. Her compression sleeve that makes it look as though she has tattoos on all down her arm. No matter how much she loves God, she just knows God loves me too. She makes you want to believe in God, even if you’re gay. This family makes you want to believe God exists and even if we lose one, we are whole. We have each other and we can make it through anything.

I love the veins that run along her hands and the way they glide across my skin. It’s the way her touch leaves me breathless and every time she’s near me I am happy.

Happy.

I have longed for happiness. I have dreamed a dream of long nights of chats, with laughs and tears. For day dates of champagne and wii, and never quite moving from the couch. I have dreamt of, and found, kisses that mean something and vows that make me a believer.

I’ve discovered long road trips with cd’s we picked out together and taking pictures of everything, as if we’d ever forget. I’ve longed for, and found, someone to hold my hand like they meant it and kisses for no reason.

I wanted, and found, lifetimes of hugs and dancing in the kitchen. Intimacy that is shown by finishing each other’s sentences. Always a song to share with each other. Never forgetting to praise one another. Random moments of breaking out in song, even if we’ve sang it a hundred times today.

I value the love that she gives, the love that is grown, and the love that we find when words don’t quite come. I love supporting her dreams and having tough talks. I love dreaming in bed and being awoken by her making noise in the house. I love hearing her Keurig because it means she’s awake. I love holding her close when she’s had a hard day.

I love that being in love with my best friend has given me such happiness. I love that anything I need to say doesn’t always have to have words. I love her.

I have spent most my day reading. I really believe it helps inspire me to want to write more. I read in one book that the character used to spend four hours a day writing. I suppose if I begin timing myself I could really spend as much time as possible perfecting my vocabulary and my writing skills. I could also take online writing classes. My wife has encouraged me often to write. I feel that my best writing always came from moments of sadness, depression, or let’s be real – when I have had a few drinks. I used to always think when I was younger how the best artists were the addicts, addicts of any sort. I felt that addicts or artists for that matter required a certain amount of sadness, despair, and creativity that comes in these moments to really produce something beautiful. I have gathered as I have aged, that maybe some people just have a gift and aren’t snorting a line of cocaine or taking some LSD before they produce beautiful art. Maybe I was meant to live in the 60’s and 70’s, who knows. I also find that writing is hard for me because my brain jumps to so many different topics as I write. I used to have a youtube vlog where I would make videos of myself speaking on different topics. It became mildly successful at the time, with a mere 1500 followers when youtube first became relevant. This was back when youtube had several youbtube vloggers and we would make our own videos AND reply to eachothers videos. Those of us who lived close enough would make collab videos or make them via the web. I remember being thrilled to come home from work, or being out with friends to make a vlog. Sometimes I would do this several times a day. I believe maybe vlogging was easier for me because then I could just talk and let it all flow out without being distracted or having thoughts in the middle. I’ve ALWAYS for as long as I remember wanted to be a writer, or an interior designer. However, one must finish highschool to do interior design AND you apparently have to be able to draw- which I am horrible at. I also didn’t finish highschool if you did not pick up on that. I have always had a desire to connect, to create, to make something beautiful. I didn’t have a super colorful life with lots of stories to write about. I’ve never been through mass amounts of sad situations or interesting ones. I have just been myself and although I am sure I have something interesting to say I have never quite found the way to do so.

So. I am going to try writing an hour a day each day. I am going to put away my phone and all distractions. I am going to write about anything and everything – or nothing. I will just write till I am blue, or I will just write blah blah blah over and over again until something strikes me. I hope to be completely open and honest. I hope to spill my brain onto my blog with as many posts or one long post as I can. I hope you will all encourage, constructively criticize and give me lots of tips. I want to take advantage of the time I have been given to pursue my dreams, to make my dreams come true.

So my wife and I watched a documentary today about Minimalism. We have, in the past, also watched the documentaries about tiny houses as well. Overall it has inspired us so much so, that I think we will use 2017 to begin living more of a minimalist lifestyle. We currently live in a two bedroom two bath apartment, roughly about 800 sq ft. When you really think about it, the space we actually use regularly is probably about 300 sq ft. The idea that we are paying for so much space and use very little of it, saddens me. Why are we paying for this space we never use? When I look around our apartment I am of course pleased with our decor choices and such. But what is it there for? People rarely come by our place, it is just us and our dogs. I do use our spare room for my Scentsy business organization – but realistically I could easily find another way to do so without needing a whole seperate room.

I believe that finding peace and purpose has eluded me for many years. While I have a wonderful wife, the cutest fur babies and all of the things I think I need – I still find myself searching for purpose. Why do we as human beings NEED these material objects to show our worth and purpose? I have never much cared about social status. I am not dying inside because I don’t have a michael kors purse. I am peacefully happy being able to be home and read and write. I often sell my unwanted items on trading posts or various apps. I was pricing them high as I could get away with to obtain MORE money to buy MORE things. I have since decided I will sell these items at bargain prices to just get rid of the clutter. I can still add to my savings with the money I make, but no need in being greedy.

I had to contact my own therapist today to ask advice about a friend. I had recently referred this friend, we will call her Judy, to my therapist. Judy has been very depressed for months now. She has lately been isolating herself and today said some things that were very obviously suicidal. I know she is not in a good place. I had to ask my therapist Quinn what to do. I knew I needed to tell somebody. I didn’t want to embarass my friend, but I did not want her to harm herself either. Judy and I are pretty good friends but she is also very private and I do not know her extremely well.

I knew enough to know she is not very close to her parents but is very close with her niece. Quinn instructed me to get her help asap. I realized that Quinn is friends on facebook with Judy’s niece, so Quinn took the step and contacted the niece. I am going insane not knowing what is going on right now. But I trust that Quinn and the niece have it all handled and will help Judy.

I just want Judy to know she is loved and I want to tell her “Don’t be afraid”. You should know you are loved and people care about your well being. So if you ever ever ever need help, please reach out. I know this time of year is very depressing for many.