The Lochdown Week 5 – Like Buttah… (If Butter Could Whup You)

Question – What do you get when a horde of vikefans.com members converge for a tailgate?

Answer – A hangover.

Week 5 came and went in the NFL kingdom. There were surprises and not-so-surprises and a hell of a cookout and tailgate. We’ll get to each in order… Let’s break it down!

Who Fed It, Who Ate It

BRADY IS BACK! BRADY IS BACK! SWEET TAP DANCING LORD AMIGHTY OUR UGG WEARING HERO IS BACK! At least I think that’s what the announcers said… I’m giving them the benefit of the doubt here as it actually sounded more like the fake orgasm scene from “When Harry Met Sally”, except done by a bunch of aging analysts.

So apparently this guy plays for uh, Patriots I think? He’s a quarterback or something I dunno. Honestly, they could have started Bill Belichick’s gout-ridden left foot and come away with a win over the Browns. For their part, the Browns were starting Jesse Eisenberg at quarterback until he got injured, leaving Terrelle Pryor as the sole, uninjured member of the 53 man roster.

The Cardinals regained their form… or at least a form capable of beating the 49’ers. Maybe not so much as a complete “form” as a Voltron where one of the lions is being piloted by Chris Katan. It doesn’t take much. It doesn’t help that David Johnson blew them up like an electric hand-pump in Bill Clinton’s doll closet.

As for who fed it and who ate it the most, however… we need to look no further than BBQ, Beans, ‘Tots and Peanut Butter Pie! The tailgate was a massively awesome event. Combined with the Vikings game and seeing all of the folks from vikefans.com coming in from across the nation (and not to mention gorgeous weather… except for some from the south), it would be hard to imagine a better day as a fan. Thank you to everyone who participates in the forum, and those who came for the tailgate and game. There’s no better community in sports!

Speaking of the game…

The Glory of Victory

A win was icing on the cake for an awesome weekend like this. A dominating win was sprinkles on top. Do not let the box score fool you, the Texans had 2 field goals and 71 yards of total offense halfway through the 3rd quarter. The Vikings tore up the Texans like a Florida ballot recount in all 3 phases of the game.

Offensively, Bradpool turned in another brilliant game, throwing for 271 yards, 2 touchdowns and no interceptions despite an offensive line that looked like they had just stumbled out of a medical experiment. Adam OOGA CHAKA OOGA CHAKA HOOKED ON a Thielen hauled in 7 catches for 127 yards and one of those TD’s. (and congratulations on your new kiddo… the Vikings appear to be birthing kids as fast as they’re birthing wins this season). Our running game finally found some groove, racking up 91 combined yards between Jerrick “Jet” McKinnon and Matt “The Cheese” Asiata, along with adding a 3rd touchdown on a 1-yard blast by Mr. Cheese.

Defensively… another superstar receiver pair, another blanking out of their names like Soviet era love-letters. Hopkins did get their garbage-time touchdown, but for the most part they were persona-non-grata. The running game turned out much the same, with Lamar Miller showing up about as often as a Shawn Kemp child support check. It was another 4+ sack game and extended the turnover ratio to +11 on the season for the Vikings.

But wait… there’s more! Marcus Sherels added a 2nd punt return for a touchdown, along with the typical Priefer-ential Treatment of the opponents on special teams. Yes, you read it here first. Prieferential Treatment is now a thing. A thing you don’t wanna be on the wrong side of. A very bad thing for opponents. Like… Superman Vs. Batman bad.

All-in-all, the Vikings move to 5-0 and #1 in national power rankings among media outlets who actually have enough wits to navigate a box of breakfast cereal. Your cousin digging out and giving you the toy hippo in the bottom of a box of Sugar-Blastoids does not count. This puts the target squarely on their back. They’re also in the NFL 2016 Week 5 Yearbook as “Team you’d least like to encounter while angry in a dark alley” so they may overcome even this. Robison in particular has a great picture with that side-hair part and bow tie. 5-0 and into a bye, there couldn’t be a better start to this season considering the sheer amount of crazy crap this team has endured to get there.

Hats off to this team. You’ve simply out-worked every other team so far. Keep it up!

The Lochdowns for Week 6

I debated doing a set of Lochdowns since the Vikings are on bye-week, BUT I WENT 3-0 INCLUDING A MASSIVE UPSET PICK SO I NEED TO BRAG OR MY SELF ESTEEM WILL DIE SLOWLY.

*ahem*

That puts me at 9-3 for the season in my Lochdown picks. Apparently I’m either drinking less or paying more attention. Probably the latter. Here we go!

Lochdown Number 1 – The Steelers will put a saddle on the Dolphins then learn to ride them like Roethlisberger on the hobby horse outside of Wal-Mart. The only thing keeping the Dolphins from achieving Cleveland levels of sadness is some strange spark of hope that refuses to die. Still their skills are at about the level of… well… a hobby horse outside of Wal-Mart in relation to the rest of the NFL. This game will make you say poor, poor Cleveland.

Lochdown Number 2 – Dethroning the Browns from my “teams to pick on” aside from Dallas this week will see the Cards continue to re-improve (Is that a word? It is now!) against the hapless Jets. Fitzpatrick has a beard that any brewer would envy but it will not suffice in Arizona where apparently they only drink artisanal tap-water from 5 dollar bottles to stay hydrated in a state that might as well be on the sun. That said, Arians will take full advantage of this chance to climb back into playoff discussion.

The Upset Lochdown of the week – the one you’re all waiting for! The Cowboys *ugh* will win against the packers *double ugh*. Normally the only time I root for the Cowboys is against the packers, right behind rooting for an asteroid to take out the stadium, but I think they actually win this one. The Packers have the #1 run defense in the NFL…against teams with no starting running backs. Dallas has the #1 running back in the league. This will be an exposure game, and not like that sad and creepy uncle after Thanksgiving dinner. To whit, Rodgers is… not very good this year. Don’t email me with reams of beer fueled diatribes, the stats speak for themselves. I see an upset and potentially more stabbings for other team-fans living in Wisconsin. If you see a stumbling cheesehead in your yard, just call 911 and do not confront the creature.

The Vikes are on bye-week, so as a bonus, I’ll give you a double-upset! Note this does not count for my score, because I only have so much brain power to get through an article… but consider it like a Trump speech, interpret it how you will and laugh at the rest. The Browns will score their upset-to-avoid-0-16 this week against the Titans. I dunno why but it feels about that time of year to avoid the Detroit curse. See? I can be nice to them too! (still does not count against my score).