Me: Why, for the love of all that is holey, would you read the company handbook? Oh wait, I know. Trying to find a loop hole for the no flip-flop policy, aren’t ya?

Tif: I have some very nice flip-flops that go with everything. But forget that for now, I found a clause that says we can have a fish on our desk! You should totally get one. I’m not a fan of the little wigglers, but you would look really funny with one.

Me: no

Tif: ah come on, why not!?

Me: I had a fish.

Tif: I didn’t know that, what happened to it?

Me: … I don’t want to talk about it.

Tif: OH THIS IS GONNA BE GOOD! Hold on let me refill my coffee and than you can tell me all about it.

Me: Dude, can’t somethings just not be told?

Tif: ha funny, ok go!

Me: *sigh* fine.
His name was Flipper, then Pretty, then Big Red, then Captain Marko, then Frankenstein, then just Fishy. I had a hard time sticking to just one name.

Tif: Totally understandable, go on.

Me: I got him my first year of college. He was the prettiest little beta fish you ever saw, all red and purple. And the first year everything was fine, until I went home for the summer. I noticed that one of his eyes was all swollen and kinda popping out. So I called a vet and he said Fishy had ‘Beta Fish Swollen Eye’.

Tif: seriously?

Me: What?

Tif: Well nothing, but that kind of seems like a lame name for a disease.

Me: I thought it kind of described the issue pretty thoroughly. Why, what would you have called it?

Tif: I don’t know something latin like, Eyees Bulges Maximus.

Me: … So it’s basically a bacterial infection. I asked the doctor if I should bring Fishy in, and he asked if this was just a beta fish. Well I didn’t really like the tone of that question but I said yes, and then he said aren’t they like $2 at the pet store.

Tif: DUDE!

Me: Right!?! Well I yelled “AND YOU CALL YOURSELF A DOCTOR” and hung up. So I called a pet store after that and they recommended some water cleaner and antibacterial stuff that would totally do the trick.

Tif: Yay Fishy’s saved!

Me: Well.

Tif: Oh no, what?

Me: Well, I had to move him from his bowl to another while I cleaned it. The first move went fine, but when I tried to move him back to his new clean bowl he kinda had a fit and… well… once I got him in there… I noticed… well…

Tif: Oh geez woman, WHAT!?

Me: His eye had popped.

Tif: excuse me

Me: Don’t look at me like that! He seriously freaked and must have banged it on something and well it popped.

Tif: Gross.

Not Fishy, but TOTALLY what it looked like!

Me: Ya it kinda was, it just hung there for a couple days and then it finally fell off… and he ate it.

Tif: GROSS.

Me: Ya, but he totally got better. He just now only had one eye, which really screwed up his depth perception. He ran into things a lot.

Tif: Ok so traumatic, I get it, but not really a good reason to not get another fish.

Okay, so I was just telling my husband as recent as last night that I’m sick of all our animals: dogs and cats…and how it would be sooo much easier if we just owned fish, a turtle, or some shit. Umm…no ‘effin’ way I’m getting fish now. I about choked on my coffee. Ewwww!