Pages

Monday, July 3, 2017

Facebook

It took me more than six years after losing Eliza to feel like I could re-enter that space.

I think because I saw it as a place to put forward the best version of yourself, and that version of myself no longer existed.

I think I also was afraid that it would hold nothing but disappointment and resentment for me.

I knew people who got upset because they posted updates or photos of the children they lost and got no responses, but then other, light-hearted posts would get all kinds of likes and comments. I also know how hard it was for a lot of my friends to see facebook pregnancy announcements or new baby posts. I just didn't want to put myself out there for any of that.

But then I joined We Stories, which primarily communicates through Facebook, and I knew that some of my babyloss mom friends were in a private facebook group that I would like to join, and while I created a profile never intending to post anything, I got a lot of friend requests for extended family (like old people--no one young and cool uses facebook because they are all Snapchatting, which I do not do because I am over 30). And I realized that a lot of these people aren't on instagram and would probably like to see photos of my kiddos, and there are all kinds of privacy settings so you can control who views photos and just show them to certain groups, so I could post pictures of the girls for my family without inundating my work colleagues with my children's adorableness.

And although I know the politics are something people complain about in regard to Facebook, that's actually part of what I like about it. I am pretty insulated on there, and it's very tempting to hide people who disagree with my political views, but I have found it to be a good source of information and articles on all kinds of issues (including non-political ones). Sometimes it does raise my heart rate, but mostly because I'm reading news stories through it, and news stories about our country's current president tend to infuriate me. I love using facebook to stay informed about local politics, about social justice efforts, and to get reminders of what I can do to try and make a difference about things that are important to me.

I've been careful about it--I check in almost every day, but not more than once or twice. I don't engage in political arguments. I don't post things that are deeply personal. I guess I'm back at the point where I can skate on the surface--I don't feel like my guts are a raw, gaping wound. I'm not "fixed" or "better" or no longer grieving, but I am in a place where I can love and miss Eliza as much as ever, but I also have the energy and headspace to care about other things--big things like social justice (and how white people--even those of us who are well-meaning--keep effing things up), and little things like, "oh, yeah, how is my officemate from graduate school doing?".

Honestly, the hardest thing for me is when people share their timeline posts from five years ago, and I'm so glad I didn't try to get back on Facebook earlier, or in 2016 when "five years ago" would have been right after Eliza died.

I also care a lot less now about how other people perceive me than I did back then, which is pretty vital. I am not free from the comparison game, but I spend much less time comparing other people's lives to mine than I used to (actually, it's kind of embarrassing and sad to think about how worked up I was about this and how I measured up to others or how I thought others would see me... ugh. Giving zero effs about that nonsense is one of the few gifts that emerged from grief--that and my tribe of babyloss friends).

Anyway, if you quit facebook for whatever reason and you're unsure about going back--I say wait. You're not missing much. There's no rush. You'll know when you feel ready, or when you want to be involved in something more than you want to stay off of facebook. I can't say that it has improved my life significantly, but at the same time, I do appreciate that it's reconnected me with friends and extended family members with whom I'd fallen out of touch, and that it's an easy way for me to get involved and stay informed about specific issues and organizations I care about.

8 comments:

I would love to be your Facebook friend but there are a lot of Brooke Taylors out there ;) -- not sure which one is you! Feel free to friend me there; I'm on there under my full three-part first/maiden/married name which is on my IG profile. :)