Saturday, May 20, 2006

TAKE TWO

Ned: Hi, I’m Ned Lamont, a flat-eyed plank of a man to whom you will not warm immediately nor over time. George Bush is wrong!

(Cut to wider shot)

Ned: As a small business guy, I can tell you that my wife bought all this furniture. My testosterone level has halved in the ten seconds I’ve been sitting on Laura Ashley’s personal couch here.

(Cut to window: Markos Moulitsas of famous Daily Kos fame seen leading gang of hyperanxious homeless people in door-to-door Ritalin search)

Ned: I understand that running for Senate can be tough on a family, especially yours, what with having to watch this stupid ad, and ... what the hell?

(Cut to door as Moulitsas bursts in while his homeless friends commit continuity errors in the background)

Moulitsas: Ned! We saw the commercial! We love it, and we’re all to here to volunteer!

Ned: This commercial? But we’re still shooting!

(Cut to panning close-up of Moulitsas—as close as federal self-worship regulations will allow)

Moulitsas: This is important. Look, everybody’s here, we’re ...

Ned: No, wait a minute. (Ned’s upbeat tone fades) You say you’ve seen this commercial? This very one? A commercial that is yet to be completed, let alone broadcast?

Moulitsas: Er ...

Ned: That just doesn’t make sense. In fact, it’s ridiculous. You’re telling me that all these people—including Joni Mitchell’s baby sister, currently having a grand mal seizure behind me—have seen a commercial that hasn’t even been made, and that this ... this ... this hallucination has somehow compelled them to invade my house? In order to volunteer? For a start, why wouldn’t you go to my campaign office instead? You know, where the actual work gets done? Nothing about this adds up at all.

Moulitsas:(downcast, looking at shoes; his friends fall silent) Well, I ... I guess we ...

(Cut to wide shot during extended, awkward pause)

Ned:(sighs, looks with disgust into camera) I’m Ned Lamont, and apparently I’m living in a some kind of time-folding, moron-infested parallel universe.

Moulitsas:(suddenly brightens, along with his supporters) And so are we!