Private and executive coach Johanna Sawalha has more than 15 years of coaching experience and has founded and headed several companies. Contact her at: coaching@sawalha.com | http://coaching.sawalha.com

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The Almost Affair I Had With a Movie Star – And How I Let Go of That

I once had an almost affair with a movie star. A long, drawn out, painful association that consisted of this famous but married man pursuing me and me dodging him, but still being attached to staying connected to him.

I remember the movie star telling me about this fishing company he had. I wanted to get involved (as if I really cared about fishing!) – in it – and everything else in his life. Get enmeshed. Figure out a thousand ways to keep tour connection going. The easiest way would have been to sleep with him, but I skirted around that one, pretending our connection was still immaculate, and got creative with other ways to stay connected. Like talking about the darn fishing company (clearly, I wasn’t invested in the content). Or helping him by reading his film scripts or watching clips from them. Anything not to lose out. On what? I know – that was the real question, wasn’t it? What did I think I was going to get that I was losing out on? Here we were – two thoroughly attached people, which would have been excellent if we’d been attached to the same thing, but we weren’t. He was attached to getting sex and I was attached to getting connected – somehow – anyhow.

“Be committed, not attached” is a buzz phrase we’ve all heard. Easier said than done I say. I’ve also had a coaching clients say, “I can let go of things easily except things I really care about. Then I get very attached to their outcome …”. Well, yes – that’s the hard part. It’s not difficult to be cool about things that we could take or leave. It is way more difficult to loosen our (mental) grip on things that are close to our heart.

With the permission – of myself – I am reprinting material from former blog posts about “Vairagya”, which is the term in yoga philosophy that describes non-attachment. The term “yoga” itself comes from the verb “to yoke”, to be steadfast with something – much different from clinging to things out of fear. Vairagya refers to our ability to let go of things, to leave them be, as well as to go for a challenge while renouncing the fruits of our labor.

We need both action and inaction in our lives to remain balanced, and the practice of Vairagya has us abstain from getting too attached to results. To play it cool as it were. Clinging to thought patterns, people or things, is the closest to what could be considered a sin in yoga philosophy. It’s because it shows lack of faith in that we are provided for and that we honestly can figure out how to get what we need at any time.

There is no proof that a heavenly handout will materialize as soon as we let go of our attachments. But that is the definition of faith, isn’t it – the fact that we must believe without any assurance of desired outcome?

We can all agree that being flexible and having an ability to let go of an issue, a regret or an obsession is a good thing. We are so much happier when we don’t stare ourselves blind on something we want, or a problem we can’t immediately solve. These are some lesser-discussed virtue of Vairagya, which is what it does to us as people. Loosening your grip on things makes you a less fearful person. Letting go reminds you that life is temporal and that the ability hold on to anything is an illusion. Enjoyment of the moment is all you have until that moment is gone – so that you may enjoy the next one. Non-attachment lets you love people without glomming on to them expecting them to love you in return. In this new mental place, fear loosens its grip on you because you enter situations without neither anticipation of what will happen nor bracing yourself for the worst. Your actions become a true expression of who you are, over being directed by your thoughts of what they will give you.

Sometimes I’ve had trouble sleeping during periods in my life. Attaching myself to the idea that I should sleep only made it only worse. I was attached to my sleep (as well as attached to the beauty that would surely vanish quickly if I didn’t…!) Below are some practices I used to open up and change my perspective in those moments. I found that they also could be applied to most anything that I was attached to.

• Use your breath to help you. Say “let go” to yourself. “Let” on the inhale, and “go” on the “exhale”. If you, like me, use it for sleep, know that it’s also OK just to be resting and not sleeping. When you are tired enough, you will sleep (and maybe you are just someone who has a lot of energy and that’s why you are still up?)

• Second, there is a gift housed in each situation where you think you are about to lose something. The gift differs depending on the situation but the gift of learning is universal to most of them. Ask yourself, “what am I learning now?”

• Lastly, clinging prevents you from expanding. Holding on so tightly to what you already have or hope to gain, blinds you to what else is available to you.
Say to yourself, “although uncomfortable, I’m expanding now.”

I quote the great Swami (yogic “monk”) Muktananda when he said, “don’t be addicted to anything, but if you have to be addicted to something, be addicted to yoga.” Perhaps in our glorious humanity we will always have to fight our urge to control circumstances. Muktananda’s advice to cling to the yogic way of non-attachment may be our best bet in directing our fear and letting go. Either way, when you feel clingy, Vairagya will free you up any time you are willing to practice it.

Another thing I did to battle my own attachments was to create a “Kiss It Goodbye” list. I put on that list everything that I really wanted, like running off into the sunset with the movie star, and then I kissed it goodbye. At first, I was certain I was jinxing all the wishes I had for my life by doing this, but the more I did it, the more they loosened their grip on me. So that they could be what they were. Dreams – that I still intended to fulfill on – but not with such fear of losing out attached to it. The Kiss It Goodbye list tempered the impatience and took care of the fear and worry that “I may not get what I want!” In effect, what I kissed goodbye was the attachment, not the dream itself.

As far as the movie star was concerned, all I had to do was wait. Anything not built on a solid and workable foundation will crumble eventually, and we were destined to stay friendly and detached.