"I speak everything." The man grinned. "Why do you hate Mondays? I quite like most of them. Easily in my top four days of the week. Tuesdays, on the other hand, I avoid whenever possible. They're so dull and uninteresting."

Garfield raised his head and stared at the man for a long moment, as his mind tried to make sense of what it had just heard. Finally, he just jumped down from the sill and walked back into the house.

"If you mean worst in terms of violent deaths," Jack explained, "then I gotta go with being eaten. And the smaller the creatures, the worse it is. Piranhas are much worse than lions, but bugs are a million times worse than piranhas. Have you ever been eaten by ants? I have.

Davros studied the three Daleks in front of him. He knew that if he admitted aloud that he knew one of them was really his most hated enemy, the Doctor, but didn't know which one, the other two would immediately sacrifice themselves - and him - to destroy the Time Lord. It was the obvious logical answer.

It had one major flaw, however: Davros had no intention of dying anytime soon, or of getting stranded on this nameless rock. Of course, the very notion that his perfect creations could ever be flawed in their thinking was something else he could never admit.

Wash stood at the makeshift podium. "What can I say about Malcolm Reynolds that our other roasters tonight haven't already? Quite a few things, in fact, but he's my captain. And he's armed."

The rest of the crew chuckled.

"It's no secret that there have been times," Wash continued, "when I've been jealous of Mal's history with my wife. Recently, however, I've seen him naked, and now not so much. Well, maybe just a little. The teeniest, tiniest bit," he added, his voice rising. And then he noticed Mal unholstering his gun. "Right, moving on. How about that Inara, huh?"

"By Crom!" Conan gasped. The giant disk slowly descended from the heavens and settled somewhere in the next valley. He quickly untethered his horse and rode on toward it.

By the time he found the object, the morning sun had risen. It was silver, as reflective as any mirror but somehow fluid. A hole opened in the disk's side, and three figures emerged. Conan wondered what manner of creatures they were before he realized they were merely humans in bizarre costume.

"Remember where we parked," the one in the lead said. "And this time, don't go stepping on any butterflies!"

"It's tokenism, plain and simple," Moss Man groused. Heroes at other tables looked away. "Lots of humans, but only ever one of any other race. How have you put up with it for so long?"

"Got used to it, I guess," Stratos said, poking at his salad. "Anyway, it's not any better over on Skeletor's side."

"But they're the bad guys. They're supposed to do bad things. And how about the fact that there's zero overlap between our tokens and theirs? 'One of your kind joined our enemy, so none of you get to be on the side of good.'"

"Captain's log, Stardate... nobody's sure anymore. For the past seven days, we have thought we were in orbit around Earth in the year 1066. But a recent discovery has cast serious doubts on all our beliefs."

* * *

"It's plastic?" Kirk asked incredulously.

Spock examined the cup in his hands. "While it appears to be a wooden cup consistent with this period in history, it is actually composed of polymer chains in advance of even Federation technology."

"Could it be alien?"

Spock said nothing as he handed the cup over to let Kirk read the embossing on its base: "Made in China."

Yes, I wrote this one on the day in question, which means I'm now about four months behind on posting these.

Title: Pirate Booty
Fandom: How I Met Your Mother

"Every year, GNB threw a party for Talk Like a Pirate Day, and every year, Barney joked that he was going to-"

* * *

"Snag me some pirate booty." Barney flipped down his eyepatch and growled.

Robin looked around at the crowd. About half the crowd were in full pirate regalia, maybe sixty percent if she counted the serving wenches. The rest were all in nice suits. "Barney, why isn't everyone in costume?"

"They are," he said. "It's mandatory."

A moment later, she realized. "They're dressed as you! Barney Stinson, have you been engaging in piracy?" she asked.

Thanks. Now I expect this will need no explanation whatsoever (especially since the "Lesser-Known Fandoms" thread is long gone).

Title: Two by Two
Fandom: The Avengers (UK) / Modesty Blaise

Willie studied the rival pair across the room. "Honestly," he said, "I could see meself spending a quiet evening or seven with 'er, but something about Steed gets right up my nose. How 'bout you, Princess? You seemed awful chummy with 'im earlier."

Jayne Cobb sat back on his throne and smiled as his eighteen favorite wives and forty favorite children knelt before him in two perfect rows. He stepped down and walked between them, patting some of the younger ones on the head.

Morticia tapped her sleeping husband on the shoulder. He sat up, yawning, just in time for an oncoming model train to miss his head. "Gomez, darling," she asked, "is there something different about you this afternoon?"