When I’ve been talking about how our military needs dinosaurs with rocket launchers mounted on them to face 21st century threats, the dinosaur I usually envision is the Tyrannosaurus rex, but now there is a bit of a problem. New research suggests that many of the T. rexes were felled by a sore throat. I’m sorry, but something can’t be an unstoppable killing machine if it’s vulnerable to an itchy throat. As the dinosaurs with rocket launchers cut a path of destruction through our enemies, we can’t have people tagging along with giant lozenges just in case.

We still aren’t sure what killed off the non-avian dinosaurs (I’ve long suspected mammalian treachery), but if it’s a bunch of sissy problems we may have to rethink bringing them back.

Obama wants to implement tough new sanctions against Iran. Well, if this is his idea of “tough”, I suspect he may have lost more than one battle to the perforations on a roll of toilet paper.

Can’t stop being Mahmoud’s bitch

Seriously, the best he could do is “we won’t sell them gasoline”? That’s not going to affect anything, since all the cars over there are made out of logs, have stone wheels, no floorboards, and are foot-propelled. It’d be more effective to stop selling them shoes.

And there’s no point in trying to negotiate with them, either. You make a statement like “we’re concerned that you might use your nuclear program to insta-glass Tel Aviv” and they just reply with random stupid nonsense like “the Holocaust never happened”. It’s like having a conversation with an iPod Shuffle.

Besides, how will our negotiators be able to make themselves heard over the crowd of American reporters flocking around Ahmadinejad, pestering him with “Can I have your autograph Mr. Starr? You’re my second-favorite living Beatle!”

History shows that sanctions & negotiations have all the long-term effectiveness of a U2 musical fund-raising concert. If we want to destroy the Iranian regime once and for all, we need a SERIOUS strategy.

I recommend something involving a fur coat, a hooker-looking white girl, and a secret videotape.

Scoff if you want, but consider this: ACORN is now such a pariah that the IRS refuses to associate with them for fear of becoming less popular, and the IRS recently lost a popularity contest to an untreatable, pus-crusted, blistery, genital rash.

If you’ve got a better idea for getting a choke-chain around Iran’s neck, I’m all ears.

This morality stuff with liberals is getting kind of crazy. First there was Ted Kennedy and how his leaving a woman suffocating in a car while he took care of himself was a non-issue not worth mentioning. Then there’s ACORN, where possible funding of child prostitution for many was the lesser issue versus conservatives trying to take down a left-wing organization. And now there is Polanski, where child rape is excused.

These were not supposed to be the type of things where good people can disagree. If you don’t think child rape is bad, you shouldn’t even be in our society. Lately, Democrats have been claiming there are lots of racists in the Republican Party, but are those who excuse crimes like rape just as morally reprehensible? Don’t recent events show that Democrats and liberals have lots of house cleaning to do to get rid of people who have no place in any debate with reasonable people?

Now all the preachy idiocy of Hollywood makes more sense. Basically, we have people trying to lecture us on complex moral issues who fail on the basics like whether or not child rape is wrong. They’re trying to do advanced calculus when they can’t even add. So the next time Hollywood (or the French government) tries to tell you what is right and what is wrong, remember these are the people who thought a 47-year-old drugging and raping and 13-year-old is a small matter not worth mentioning.

I think Obama is just really in over his head, as this was the completely wrong time for a liberal. You don’t put a liberal in charge during a time of war …or any serious time for that matter. No wonder Obama has only talked to General McCrystal once; Obama is hoping if he ignores the war, it will go away. Same for Iran and their nuclear capabilities. He just wants to focus on dinky social issues, where liberals are strongest. Look at the time when Bill Clinton did well: Economy was taking care of itself, and after the collapse of the Soviet Union, we were ignorant of any big international problem. It was a time of naivete: Perfect for a liberal. That’s not now; this is Carter all over again. Liberals don’t know how to do anything useful, so they flounder when useful things need to be done. They really need to wait until all the big things are handled by others before they take charge.

So, remember to pity Obama just a little. He probably actually believed his “Hope and Change” mantra and thought all the big problems would go away so he could focus on things we don’t actually need right now like a health care overhaul or Cap & Trade. Liberals felt pretty useless right after 9/11, and probably the only thing that will make them feel even more useless is putting them in charge.

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So liberals don’t think drowning a woman is a big deal or worth mentioning if you share their politics, and drugging and raping a 13-year-old is okay if you make movies they like. So what exactly do they find a moral outrage again? Particularly annoying is how Hollywood is constantly trying to lecture the public on morality when apparently they failed morality 101. So when they go on about war or gay marriage, remember these are people who think murder and rape are light-gray areas.

This Polanski thing does remind of Ted Kennedy in that I’m wondering how we all just somehow ignored this for so long. I now feel dirty for having watched The Ninth Gate. It also wasn’t particularly good.

I was thinking I should shake things up. So what I really need is some sort of issue I can obsess and go crazy over, lashing out and banning every one who disagrees with me until I end up on the left-wing. Problem is, I’m generally apathetic about everything. Still, here’s a few ideas for issues for me to constantly post about until I drive every one away:

* Despite what people on the internet contend, realistically pirates would beat ninjas.

* The stegosaurus is the greatest dinosaur.

* Though the heated rhetoric doesn’t concern me, it’s cheap — and possibly racist — to make fun of the president’s ears.

* Godfather III is not as bad as people say.

* Every second we’re not building asteroid defense we’re stupid dummies who deserve to die.

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