What It’s Like Getting Drunk with Your Family for the First Time, as Told by Jess Day

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For many college kids, getting handed a nice cold Mike’s Hard Lemonade for the first time at the family’s annual summer picnic is a rite of passage. This is the moment that shows you are finally seen as an adult in the eyes of your family (or at least an adult child who’s allowed to get a little shwastey with your parents). No more kids’ table for you, my friend. You are on the fast track to carving the Thanksgiving turkey at Grandma’s house and shouting slightly off-color phrases at the TV with your crazy Uncle Jim.

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As exciting as this moment is, however, it can be a little confusing and really overwhelming. Just how many drinks are you allowed to have? What happens if your younger cousins see you? Can you keep your shit together long enough to take the family photo and not throw up? The “new girl” herself, Jess Day, is here to describe your experience and show you that you’re not alone in this. Here we go.

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You initially refuse to drink.

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Because obviously you’re the “good kid.”

You *reluctantly* accept a weak mixed drink from your dad.

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“Just take a sip,” he says with a big smile on his face. You comply, but only for his sake, of course.

You immediately feel buzzed but pretend like you don’t.

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After a few sips, your face starts to feel a little tingly, but you play it off like it’s totally no big deal.

You accept your drunken fate.

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You realize that your fresh buzz is past the point of no return and decide to own the fact that you’re about to spend the rest of the day completely hammered… with your family.

You start feeling overly confident and sassy.

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With newly relaxed inhibitions, you waltz up to your Uncle Frank and decide to tell him how you actually feel about every controversial topic he’s ever blabbed about in your face.

You start sharing much more than you intended.

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You catch a glimpse of Clay Matthews, mid-hair flip, and flock to the TV whiles singing your own rendition of T Swift’s “You Belong with Me.” Uncle Frank excuses himself from your conversation.

You enter into your “emotionally drunk” stage.

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Your kid sister shows you a picture of the neighbor’s new puppy and you lose your damn mind. You can’t even try to stop the tears.

You lose all ability to control yourself.

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You start stealing sips from your grandpa’s Manhattan and sloppily hug every member of your family. You briefly wonder how many prayers your grandma has said while watching your drunk ass prance around the family party.

You realize your family is just as crazy as you.

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You see that your uncles are on the brink of a fistfight and your mom and aunts are singing their favorite Abba song together. Your grandpa is passed out in his favorite chair and your cousin is stealing the frosting off of every cupcake on the table. You see just how strong your family genes are.

You start to sober up and reflect on everything that happened.

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Your mom says it’s time to go and you sleepily walk out to the car. Once you’re back home, your older brother smirks at you and you get a horrible feeling that he’s going to tell your parents just how many Strawberritas you took from the cooler. You quickly claim you have tons of homework to finish and evacuate the situation.

You feel proud that you finally became an “adult” in the family.

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Congratulations, young grasshopper. You survived your first drunken family event. Get ready because there are plenty more to come.