Observations, humor and life all tied up with a pretty bow.

Category Archives: Neighborhood Antics

I am putting up the warning with this post. This is NOT a clean blog… I talk about sex, I use 4 letter words, and I speak off color. If this offends you.. PLEASE do not read further…. And do not say I never warned you…

Anyone still reading?? Yup.. I see you… and I KNEW you would still be here….

This is the story about Click Click my neighbor. Click click used to live in the apartment right next door. The tenant who replaced her is the one with the 5 boys.. No, I never miss my last neighbor.

Click Click was a quiet sort. She had a son who suffered from “I’m an ass hole don’t look at me” syndrome… and he would smoke the whacky tabacky on a daily basis… I knew because his room is adjacent to mine… we share a wall… and I could SMELL it….. every… single.. day… But this is not about AH (short for ass-hole), this is about his stellar mom Click Click.

Now, Click Click was a throw back to the 60s..Long hair past her ass… hippie style cloths.. heavy into social style “pharmaceuticals” and had a portable breath analyzer in her car (court ordered) that she had to blow into for the car to start. Mother to 6 kids, oldest and youngest living with her.. youngest was my youngest’s age, same class and all.

I first learned about click clicks extra curricular activities one day when my son came home from hanging out with the girl next door and said.. “Mom, what is a dancer pole used for?” Now, HOW does one answer an 9 year old boy when asked this? Exercise son.. exercise. Pauses… WHY do you want to know son? Well, C’s mother has one in her bedroom… and a bunch of cameras and these umbrella things…

ME: Coughs… OH??? and why were you up in her room son? C was showing me how she does this dance thing she saw her mom do… Coughs… Well, I don’t think it’s really a great idea for you to be going up in her room.. that’s not nice.. OK mom.. I’m going out to see J across the street…. Ok son.. have fun…

Cameras? Umbrellas? A FREAKIN POLE?? WHAT is she doing up there??

4 days later my question is answered….. J’s mother comes over with my youngest and her son in tow…. apparently they can see my neighbors bedroom from J’s bedroom across the street………… What are we going to do about it? WELL… we go next door and knock… and knock… and knock…. and finally click click comes to the door… in a see-threw robe… I’M WORKING WTF DO YOU WANT?

We want you to close your blinds! While my son and J are standing behind us, gaping at her in her see-through what ever it was she was wearing… Ok son… J.. run along and ride your bikes…

She had business cards…a website… I kid you not…..

She also put new blinds up so the kids wouldn’t see in her room again….

Her webpage is gone… but if you ever stumble on the web cam for “Bunny Foo Foo” beware… she likes beer cans and ummm.. other weird stuff…

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THREE “here’s your sign” moments in the past week…. 1, car in front of me at the light stalls forcing me to stop. woman behind me gets out and comes to my window to yell at me to move, which I would do if she hadn’t just boxed me in (only 3 cars at the light btw)…… 2, neighbor comes over to yell at me because the mailman put my mail in her box…..3, I asked another neighbor why she has her computer tower wedged in the window. Apparently she has satellite for internet and has to have it with a clear view of the southern sky…

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Update to strange neighbor story: Today he is outside duck taping a towel to the window… Told his girlfriend it’s in case it rains……. Does anyone else see the lack of logic in that???? Now remember, this is the same guy who poured hot water on his window to deice it… not once, not twice, but three different times and shattered the windshield three times. This is windshield number 4… and the 4th time he has used a towel to block rain….. Stupidity is the act of making the same mistake more than once and expecting different outcomes.

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This morning when I woke, I saw that the hot-water-on-a-frozen-windshield-neighbor had a flat tire, and was parked right in front of my house. I gathered my morning items and sat for the show. He didn’t let me down. Please take note of details.. they all play a part in this days adventure.

Picture if you may, small red Toyota, black and red panels (black ones have replaced damaged ones from god only knows what incidents) Flat tire, front drivers side. 30 mins or so after I sat down to watch, he comes out and gets in his car, starts it up, and starts to pull out….. and notices something is wrong. He gets out, notices the flat and spews forth vulgarities that make sailors blush.

He reaches back in and turns the car off, but turns it so his radio is left on blaring some awful base/cat screeching/murder in an alley sounding music, then pops the trunk and proceeds to empty it out…… cases of empties, boxes of papers, a body (no, but I wouldn’t’ be surprised) and puts all the items on the ground right behind the car. Finally finds the jack and pulls it out.

It’s not one of the newer jacks, that look like scissors but one of the old ones, that I don’t think ANY car uses any more. The one with the long straight bar and the hook that hooks onto spots on the car…. 20 mins he figures out that it doesn’t work on his car. So he decides to figure out a way to use it anyway….. and decides to use it on his front bumper.

He puts the thing together, and then fights to figure out how to work it. Manages to get it caught on the bumper and starts to lift the car. Gets it up high enough to get the tire off and then decides to break the lugs….. on a tire that is now spinning on it’s own……. My favorite one was when he put the tire iron on the lug and stood on it… and the tire spun, and he fell on his backside. I shut the window at that point because he would have heard me laughing over the caterwauling coming from his base speakers..

He let the car down, broke the lugs, jacks it back up.. gets the tire off. Then goes to get the spare……. reverse order spare is on, and now to tighten the lugs with car up…..

As we have already established, the car is on a jack, just hooked on the thin aluminum lip of the bumper, and probably held on with what? 2 screws? The weight of a man jumping on a tire iron to tighten it, so the iron is going clockwise, would pull the car backwards… but, the car being in the air and spinning free will only make that force do what? Anyone?? Yup, it pulls the car OFF the jack and the bumper off the car… which rolls back onto the junk in back of it…… down onto a spare that is FLAT. AND he falls on his ass…. He gets up, grabs the tire iron, flings it…….

and breaks the windshield.. it spiderwebs but doesn’t shatter.

That was 2 hours ago….. Since then, the bumper is in his trunk. Some friend came and put a donut on it that has air in it. Now, he just went to get into the car to drive it away….. but the battery is dead because he had the music (if that is indeed what it is called) on for almost 90 mins.

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32 degrees, he decides to warm his car… I see him start it when I left with my son at 7:10.. complete with batman pj bottoms and hoodie…… Came back at 8:15, car is still “warming up”….. 8:45, Just got back from starting my laundry, and he is outside trying to restart it…. ran out of gas (or so it sounds like) which is probably a good thing seeing the antifreeze puddle under it and white smoke billowing out from under the hood signifies an overheating… Some people shouldn’t have cars..

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Crazy neighbor number 2: Watching him pouring water on a smoking pan on the back step… and then tossed it into the barrel he has back there….. with 3 other pans… Apparently he still doesn’t know how to cook…. I can smudge my house and the alarms won’t go off.. WHAT in the world is he cooking errr burning for supper??

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Not so funny neighbor story 122: He’s drunk or high, from one of the various apartments. Standing outside my doorway, on the walk, yelling at someone on his laptop.. (Mind you it’s 10:15 A.M.) He must be piggy backing on someones open network because he keeps moving a few steps here and there, lifting the laptop trying to get a better signal, all the time yelling at someone who I can only hear muffled coming from the laptop. He then yells FU at the LT and throws it to the ground. And then proceeds to kick it, pick it up and toss it, does a few drop kicks, etc. Then stands and stares at the broken pieces… After a few moments, takes a picture of the pile, and sends it to whomever it was he was arguing with. THEN calls them, puts them on speaker, and says see what you made me do? Yeah, I need to get it fixed now, and you are going to pay for it you MF……… Where should I take it…..