The Proper Way To Come Home Drunk

Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I
get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage, and take my shoes off before I go into the house. I sneak up the stairs, and get undressed in the bathroom. Then I stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I tiptoe into the bedroom and ease into bed. My wife STILL wakes up, and yells at me for staying out so late!”

His friend looks at him and says, ” Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and shout, WHO’S HORNY?????!!! And she acts like she’s sound asleep!!

It works every time!!!

This is a tried and true method… Presented here as a joke (for legal purposes)…

Health… Happiness… Prosperity and Joy In Your New Home!

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, ‘ Harry , what’s your problem?’

Harry answered, ‘I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!’

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test.
If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brough t in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: ‘What is 3 x 3?’

Harry : ’9.’

Principal: ‘What is 6 x 6?’

Harry : ’36.’

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, ‘I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.’

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, ‘Let me ask him some questions.’

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, ‘What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?’

Harry , after a moment: ‘Legs.’

Ms Brooks : ‘What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?’

The principal wondered why she would ask such a question!

Harry replied: ‘Pockets.’

Ms. Brooks : ‘What does a dog do that a man steps into?’

Harry : ‘Pants.’

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains a thin, whitish liquid?’

Harry : ‘Coconut.’

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks : ‘What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?’
The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, ‘Bubble gum.’

Ms. Brooks : ‘What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?’

Harry : ‘Shake hands.’

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks : ‘What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?’

Harry : ‘Firetruck.’

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, ‘Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong…..’