GOOD OLE GOY

October 9, 2006

The notion peddled by the [James] Webb campaign that I am somehow embarrassed by my heritage is . . . offensive. . . . I embrace and take great pride in every aspect of my diverse heritage, including my Lumbroso family line's Jewish heritage, which I learned about from a recent magazine article and my mother confirmed. . . . I still had a ham sandwich for lunch, and my mother made great pork chops. --Recent statements of Virginia Senator George Allen

Statement from Senator George Allen, October 3, 2006: I've been asked to clarify my feelings further, since I've been falsely accused of being embarrassed about my so-called Jewish heritage. Bubkes. I am absolutely bursting with pride over having distant, distant connections to Jews that have been wildly exaggerated. But this doesn't change who I am. That's why I still had a ham sandwich for lunch and my mother still made great pork chops for Shabbes. Breakfast was the usual side of bacon drizzled with pork lard, while, for lunch, Mom cooked us a whole roast suckling pig that we washed down with a vat of its mother's milk while blasting Gotterdammerung. Statement from Senator George Lumbroso Allen, October 7, 2006: It seems my earlier statements about my heritage have caused some controversy, so let me try to set the record straight. I am truly thrilled to be connected, even if incredibly remotely, to all these Jews. It only strengthens my commitment to Christianity, or, as I like to think of it, Judaism 2.0. And I've told my mother that she's still the same old Mom as far as I'm concerned. Look, let's grab this issue by the horns: I ain't no good ole goy. I have a deep respect for all citizens of this great state, especially its talented football-playing shvartzes. And I'm ecstatic to have a minor Jewish tributary flowing into the great, overwhelmingly Aryan river of my heritage. Statement from Senator George Lumbroso Lieberman Allen, October 10, 2006: I'm here today to say I'm deeply sorry that some people took my recent words the wrong way. I have tremendous respect for the Jewish race, which I rank way above many others, and I had no intention of provoking its extreme sensitivity. I would like to take it one step further and meet with Jewish leaders--elders?-- to discern the best path for healing. I also intend to repatriate my mother to Eretz Yisrael, so that she might live among her own remarkable people. But none of that changes how much I enjoy wrapping myself in a Confederate prayer shawl and eating enormous slabs of pork encased in shellfish. L'chaim.

This article originally ran in the October 9, 2006, issue of the magazine.