Because knowing myself is harder than I expected.

The Tree of Life

I can. not. believe. how quickly May passed. I was looking forward to getting out of April, and all of a sudden it’s June. Not sure how that happened.

Without getting into too many specifics, I feel like I just need to come out and say what it is I’ve been hinting at for the last two months. I’ve been remembering things about my childhood lately, from the home I lived in as a young toddler. Some of these memories are extremely painful, including memories of my being pretty seriously abused. The ins and outs are personal and they are tender in my heart right now, so I won’t share them any time soon (if at all).

So why mention it at all? Well. Just today Jesus told me 15 things that were stolen from me because of what happened. Some of them He can return to me, some are gone this side of eternity.

Today I saw the movie The Tree of Life, and I’ve been thinking a great deal about its premise. The movie opens with a challenge; you may choose the way of nature or the way of grace. Over the next two hours those roles are played out, and it’s clear what we should choose. Except in my young life, it was the way of nature, and I’m trying to learn how to that past with the way of grace.

This is sacred ground, ground that has not been trod. I am terrified. But as is my way, I go on. That must be how it works, this way of grace. Perhaps that’s because if I could see it, figure it out myself, it wouldn’t be grace. It would just be math, exchanging my stuff for His stuff. I love how grace just takes my stuff and doesn’t keep a tab, doesn’t send an invoice, just stamps it paid and asks me to use the honor system.