Monday, April 30, 2007

I know I'm not the first one of us to have an IUI, but this is a first for me. So I'm a bit nervous. And also terribly excited.

I mean: what if this is IT? WHAT IF.

I can hear you all now. "Oh, that Ms. C! She's so naive!" But, really, I can't help but wonder. And of course I think of the bloggers who I read who actually did conceive with their first IUI. (Thanks for the hope, gals!) So for today I shall be innocent. (Get back to me in two weeks!)

The C should be home any moment to pick me up so that we can go to do "his thing". Then we wait an hour, and it's my turn. I should be home by 10.30. (It's interesting- from most of my reading it seems that the men go and give their sample alone. The C always wants me to be with him. I don't mind, I actually think it's pretty amusing.)

Of course after all my worrying about my father, The C asking for the time was really no big deal. We had already told my parents about our IF (prior to The C needing to take time for our first round of doctors appointments), and it seemed that they understood somewhat wheat was going on, and what could transpire in the future. I even sent them link on the internet to read up on IF and procedures. I guess much didn't sink in, for when The C said, "We are going to the doctor for insemination on Monday, I will need a few hours off in the morning," my father's response was, "why can't you just do it at night at home?" (He thankfully omitted the end of the phrase "like everyone else does".) The C started to explain how we needed the embyologist (at my clinic it is the embryologist who does all the sperm-work), as well as the doctor and the nurse, and that of course, we have to work around their schedule, and not vice versa. I think it was at the word "embryologist" that my father sorta waved his hand and said, "take the time you need, if thats what needs to be done."

It's like they want to know and they don't want to know at the same time. Like they get it, but also they don't get it. I'm probably not alone in having parents who react like this. But it's hard to really garner support when this is what we are dealing with.

Alright! Here is The C hanging over my shoulder. I'm off. Perhaps I will update later, but I won't be telling you anything that the vast majority of you don't already know.

Friday, April 27, 2007

I sorta promised you a post cleansing all my negative thoughts. But that was over a week ago. Seeing as I'm really trying to focus on the positive, I have think that I have let those thoughts flee my mind.

Those of you who know me in real life are saying to yourselves "who is this chick and what have you done with the real Ms. C?!" I assure you it's me. I am here. I'm just trying to have a better outlook on this all. I know it's easier to have this frame of mind while actively cycling. Check back on me next time this week when I will be beginning my two week wait. (Then we'll see how macho I am about this positivity shit...)

So let's talk about good stuff...

First on the agenda: Me! Yesterday's CD11 appointment showed 4 lurvley follies ranging from 11-15 mm. No matter what my dosage of Pur.egon is, it really seems that slow and steady wins the race with me. This cycle I am on 40 IU (5 clicks), and it appears that the follies are growing at the same rate as when I did 20 IU (2 clicks!) my first cycle. I'm not complaining, all is fine as long as I see growth.

I am a tad anxious about the IUI. There are three things that are causing my anxiety. First: fear of the unknown. This is the first time that we are doing an IUI (even though this is our third injectables cycle). Thanks to you guys I know what to expect in terms of the procedure, but I don't know how I'm going to feel (physically and emotionally.) Second is that once again it is The C's "busy season" at work. (The busy season comes around twice a year and lasts for 2 months or so each time. You may recall this issue when I was discussing it in relation to our first RE appointment that fell in October's bus season.) The point: The C will have to take time off work to produce his sample, and, as I want him there when we are doing the IUI, he wll have to return to the clinic a bit later. Other than it is almost physically imposible to have time off work at this time of year, the person who he has to ask time off from is my father. Who tends to freak when anyone takes time off at this time of year. And third: Compounding this issue is that, of course (because of my slow ovaries), we don't know what day the IUI will be.

Despite these anxieties, I am trying to not let this get me down. Focus on the positive: We will have a baby.

Oh wait! I was first on the agenda! Which means that there must be other things my Good Stuff Agenda for April 27, 2007. Yes! Yes! My blogroll.

When I started blogging I had one list of blogs that I read, and few were of pregnant women, and none had given birth. It is amazing to me that over the past 11 months how many names I have had to move to my other categories. Today let's celebrate Karen, Watson and Lut who I have made the migration to On Their Way. I am so thrilled for you ladies. When I read about your positives my tears of joy came out to play. I felt like couldn't be happier than if they were my own positives. Also moving are Jenny and Flygirl who have their little girls at home with them. I can't believe how time flies. Seeing them overcome their IF and deliver their babies definately keeps my hope alive. My heart just swells when I click over to their sites.

I don't think this post would be complete without me mentioning my friend Shlomit. She wrote this week about not knowing how she will be able to move to life beyond the news of her last negative test. I have no wise words to you, Shlomit, other to tell you that I think of you often and wish you comfort and peace as you move forward.

And of course: positive thoughts to the rest of you. Because, the way I'm looking at it, thinking positively certainly can't hurt.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Plan: 5mg Fem.ara days 3-7; 40IU Pur.egon starting day 5; IUI when good and ready.

There is so much other stuff that I have floating in my mind, but haven't had the time and patience to sit and talk (umm, type) about it. I watched The Secret the other day and I am trying hard to attract positiveness towards me so that I can have positive outcomes with the events in my life. The "stuff" I wanted to write about is mostly negative shit (duh!). On the one hand I want to get it out, on the other hand I don't want the negative thoughts to negatively affect me. You know what I mean?

But knowing me I won't be able to resist. Perhaps I will indulge you (and me) with one last negative thoughts. Like a cleanse. Stay tuned...

And while we're focusing on the positive: run over to Jenny's place to have a look at who she brought home, and keep checking in on Fly who is either in active labour as I write, or already holding her Smudgette. Congrats to both of you wonderful, strong women!

Monday, April 09, 2007

My first oxymoronic encounter with this wonder drug was when I was 16 or so. I had an evident "hormone inbalance" that was obviously not going to resolve itself as I progressed through puberty. I was intially presented with a 2-pill cocktail that would regulate all the inbalances, and when these drugs were no longer available (I don't know why, and there was no internet search back then!) I was handed my first package of birth control. Both these prescriptions played wonderfully with my hormones allowing my periods to come regularly with reduced flow, and stopping the hair from growing on my face (the residue of which was removed by very painful first generation electrolysis.) Of course there was the added bonus: BIRTH CONTROL. Ha! Not so necessary for this virginal 16 year old. Oh how amusing it is for me to think of my mother marching into the pharmacy to pick up my birth control persription for me!

Ahhhhh... but then I turned twenty, and the sex was a plenty! Thank goodness for the pill, I said! Talk about killing two birds with one stone! I was in college, living the life, and still had my mother sending me my birth control in the mail. Let's not beat around the bush, I was thankful for my perscription in more ways than one! At last I was able to use the drug for its intended function- with the added bonus of lighter, predicatable periods and perfect skin.

As I reached my decade anniversary of use of the pill, the initial reason for its prescription was but a gray smudge in my history. I had long stopped thinking as my body as abnormal, and couldn't image my life without the pill. My time of heavy, unbearable periods and sidelong glances from strangers at my "sideburns" were ancient history. For all intents and purposes, I forgot that it was doing something in my body other than preventing pregnancy.

Preventing pregnancy with a pill! What a fucking hoot! But I digress.

Enter The C, and marriage, and my last package of pills. For years we discussed having children, and while The C was ready from the day we met, I seemed to be always waiting for the "right time". Alas, I discovered there was never going to be a perfect time, and we might as well get on with it. I made the arbitrary decision to finish my current stash of birth control (which my mother still seemed to procure for me for free from the nurse at the gyn's office. YES! This nurse!), and that would end one period in my life and thus the commencement of another.

After almost half my life on the pill, I was pill free. For 15 months I was without.

And then I encountered the oxymoronic use of the pill for the second time in my life. For use while I was activly trying to get pregnant. I fucking hate taking the pill this time around. There is no status associated with it here. Each new pack of pills I pop open again signifies to me that my body is abnormal. It reminds me that I have just had another failed cycle. It emphasizes the shittyness of not being able to do two medicated cycles in a row. It points out to me that I only have 6 chances for pregnancy a year. I'm not even sure that hate is a stong enough word...

Last night I took my last BCP for this upcoming cycle. CD1 should be next Monday. I can't even tell you how much I hope I don't have to open another package of those suckers for at least 15 months.