Carnival Magic (Blu-Ray)

Every purchase you make through these Amazon links supports DVD Verdict's reviewing efforts. Thank you!

All Rise...

Judge Clark Douglas can talk to animals. Call him Dr. Doolittle and he will cut you.

The Charge

One of the most bizarre children's films ever made!

Opening Statement

"Uhhhh…yeah, uh huh, uh huh."

Facts of the Case

Markov the Magnificent (Don Stewart, Guiding Light) is a magician
working for a traveling carnival. He's a nice guy, but the boozy tiger tamer
Kirk Wylder (Joe Cirillo, Ghostbusters) is uncomfortable with
the way Markov seems to be able to communicate with his animals. Eager to make
Kirk happy, carnival boss Stoney Martin (Mark Weston, Shamus) agrees to fire Markov. In an attempt to
keep his job, Markov reveals a hidden treasure: a talking monkey named Alex
(Trudi the Chimp). Together, Markov and Alex quickly become the carnival's most
popular attraction. Alas, their fame may be short-lived: Kirk is conspiring with
the villainous Dr. Poole (Charles Reynolds) in the hopes of bringing the noble
magician and his talking monkey down.

The Evidence

On the Carnival Magic Blu-ray case, there is a quote from an obscure
television critic praising the movie: "The best family film since
E.T.!" How did such a quote come to exist? There are a few different
theories:

The critic was bribed: These things happen from time to time, unfortunately.
Perhaps someone slipped this person a few bucks under the table? Afterwards, Every Which Way But Loose was Clint
Eastwood's best film, Jaws 2 was even better
than the original, and Carnival Magic was the best family film since
E.T..

Carnival Magic was the first family film that came out after
E.T.: Both movies were released in 1982, after all. Maybe the critic saw
E.T. on Friday and saw Carnival Magic on Saturday?

The critic is from Bizzaro-world: "Carnival Magic is best movie!
It not make me want to hit my head with hammer!"

Whatever the case, there's no way this person could have been entirely
honest, serious, and unimpaired, because Carnival Magic is one of the
most stupendously terrible family films ever made. The case also informs us that
the film was, "long thought lost." Oh, that it had remained so. The
film has a plot just nutty enough to potentially turn the movie into campy fun,
but it plods along at such a coma-inducing pace that it kills any sense of
unintended fun.

As talking animals go, Alex is one of the most improbable. For whatever
reason, the filmmakers restrict themselves to only permitting Alex to emit words
that actually look like they could be coming out of his mouth. In a film so
absurd in every other way, why adhere to this principle? It makes what could
have been the film's most intriguing character into a rather exasperating one.
Alex only emits grunts and occasionally churns out very simple phrases:
"Yes yes…uh…okay. No. Yes. Come here. Rrrr rrr uh yes."
Even more bothersome is the fact that Alex's voice resembles nothing so much as
a hobo in heat. When he steals one girl's bra (yes, this happens) and starts
chuckling to himself, the result is extraordinarily creepy. The other characters
in the film don't seem to think so, responding with lines like, "Alex, you
silly monkey. What're you doing?"

Then there's the film's kooky science & medicine subplot. Dr. Poole
(played by an often badly-dubbed Charles Reynolds in what is possibly the
movie's worst performance) wants to study Alex, thinking that he could be the
elusive "missing link" in evolution (not the one any real scientists
were looking for, but whatever works). The best way to "study" Alex is
to cut him into pieces, leading us into a scene in which Dr. Poole speechifies
on the noble profession of capturing animals and slicing them up. After Alex is
inevitably captured and brought to the doctor's personal surgery unit (located
inside his home, handily enough), an equally inevitable rescue mission is
staged.

Here's where it gets odd: Dr. Poole is assisted by several other medical
professionals, all of whom seem onboard with what Dr. Poole is doing. However,
when the good guys arrive, the aforementioned medical professionals aid in the
rescue while Dr. Poole is getting punched in the face. Huh? If you can't beat
'em, join 'em, I guess. And then…

Spoiler Warning

There's the inexplicable medical miracle that takes place. Incredibly
depressed at the thought of being taken from the carnival, Alex decides to take
his own life (he seems unaware of the fact that he is about to be sliced up).
The chimp grabs a nearby bottle of poison and consumes the whole thing. The
doctors (who are now good guys, for some reason) discover this fact and
desperately try to save Alex, but to no avail. The monkey flatlines, causing
Markov to run into the room sobbing. It's made very clear that Alex is very
dead, and also made clear that Markov is absolutely unable to do anything about
it. Then, after a couple of minutes, Alex comes back to life. "Alex, you're
back!" Markov exclaims. There is no explanation given for this. It just
happens. Then there is a parade.

End Spoiler

Spectacularly awful as these events are (I haven't even mentioned the monkey
car chase), most of the film's running time is dominated by long, plodding
scenes that go absolutely nowhere. We get two terribly underwhelming magic shows
(most of the tricks could easily be performed by a novice after a half-hour with
a "how to" pamphlet), both of which are presented in real time and
never seem to end. We get a romantic subplot between a young guy and a young
girl who work with the carnival, a romance between Markov and his bikini-clad
assistant that never really goes anywhere, some alcohol-induced rants from the
tiger guy and lots of random carnival footage.

Why the film merits a hi-def release is a question I am incapable of
answering, but I can tell you that the 1080p/1.78:1 transfer looks pretty
terrible. In all honesty, I've seen many, many DVD releases that look better
than this film does on Blu-ray. The image is flat and soft, there's some color
bleeding, lots of scratches and flecks are on-hand and everything looks
washed-out. There are fleeting moments of respectable detail, but this is quite
possibly the worst-looking Blu-ray release I've seen thus far. Still, I realize
much of this is due to the source material. The audio is a bit better, if still
pretty underwhelming. The mix is very front-heavy and the score sounds a good
deal older than it actually is, but dialogue is mostly clear enough and there
aren't any huge problems. The supplemental package is actually more interesting
than the film, including a commentary with producer Elvin Feltner, an additional
interview with Feltner, some silent outtakes, a trailer, a tv spot, a stills
gallery and a restoration comparison (it used to look super-crappy, now it just
looks crappy). You also get a DVD copy of the film, so you can take this beloved
gem with you on the go.

The Rebuttal Witnesses

It's the best family film since E.T.!

Closing Statement

While fans of director Al Adamson may find Carnival Magic a fun
addition to the cult filmmaker's gallery of cheese, all others are warned to
avoid this disaster at all costs.