Share This:

Anger Management: Letting Go to Start to Heal

When we “stuff down” painful emotions, they can erupt as rage. Try these exercises to release angry feelings so you can start healing.

By Kelley McElreath

So many of us are conditioned to “stuff down” powerful emotions. We grow up without learning that there are healthy ways to deal with anger and its close relative, sadness.

My own upbringing by a single mom who worked two jobs taught me that a strong, powerful woman doesn’t cry. As a result, I often came off as angry, controlling, and tough as nails. But many times, my fury was masking sorrow, abandonment issues, and depression that I never dealt with directly. In a sense, the anger was protecting me from that pain.

Each passing tragedy that I endured in my life left my inner self wounded and sad. The more I suppressed and avoided those feelings, the more I would fly off the handle at ridiculous things that didn’t even matter.

One of my biggest regrets is that my two daughters often bore the brunt of my misdirected emotions. Then I would beat up on myself for being such a bad mother and fall deeper into depression.

In dealing with my own depression and educating myself as a life coach, I have learned that avoiding emotions is not the answer. The only way out is through—facing the pain head on. Letting go of anger to reveal the sadness underneath moves you along the path towards healing.

Here are some exercises I’ve found helpful for myself and in my practice. I prefer to be alone when I do these, but others may find it safer to be in the company of a therapist or trusted friend who can act as flood control for the gush of seemingly unmanageable emotions.

#1)Get out a pen and paper or open a document on your computer and complete this sentence: “I am angry because ….” Repeat over and over and over until you have tapped the well of your anger completely. Then comes the work of releasing that anger, whether at a specific person or at something more general that happened in your life.

#2) Letting anger out through physical means can be a healthy way to find release. One trusted method is to bury your face in a pillow and scream into it as loudly as you want. This might be a primal scream, or you could yell at the top of your lungs everything you wish to say about what made you angry.

#3) If screaming doesn’t appeal, explore other types of physical expression for angry feelings. For example, one family would take balled socks and hurl them at the wall—an explosive action with no threat of damage. Using a punching bag works, too, especially if you focus on the cause of your anger with every punch. Remember the goal is not to stay angry (or get angrier), but to use your body to exorcise that emotion.

#4) If you are holding anger towards a parent, sibling or other individual for actions in the past, arrange a virtual confrontation. Sit down in a chair and have another chair facing you. If you have a picture of the person, set that in the other chair as a stand-in. The goal here is to say everything you wish you would have been able to say to that person when the event happened.

#5) If you have difficulty letting yourself be angry, imagine that whatever you are angry about happened to one of your kids. It’s a lot easier to get in touch with your emotion that way. Once you do, you can start to stand up for yourself.

#6) If you find yourself crying after one of these exercises, welcome your tears as a healthy sign. That means you are getting through all the anger to reach the underlying sadness. Remind yourself that your tears are like a healing river for your soul.

If it’s hard for you to cry, the writing exercise described above can be helpful (“I am sad because …”). Sometimes in order to get my tears to flow, I listen to music that makes me teary-eyed, or look at a picture of a loved one and think about how much I miss them. Dealing with buried emotions isn’t easy by any means, but that’s where the magic will happen.

SoundOFF!

HEALTHY HABITS

Most of us don’t default to healthy habits. It takes planning and effort, and sometimes a surge of self-discipline, to eat right, exercise, get the sleep we need, and stay on top of work and life tasks. Establishing new habits, let alone purging bad ones, can require major effort, especially if we are also struggling with depression or anxiety. What are some good habits that you've formed and how did you build them?