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5/2/08

I am an unemployed single female seeking a fun guy for friendship and maybe more. I don't want to feel like a leech, desperately clinging to a guy with a fancy schmancy office job (complete with health insurance!) because he can pay for things. I want an equal. A true partner. Being unemployed and broke together as opposed to apart will probably help to boost our self-esteem.

Don't worry about taking me anywhere fancy on our first date. I completely understand that the best you can do is inviting me to your studio apartment for some Ramen. I won't mind at all that we sit on orange crates and that an empty cable spool is our table. I will gladly stand on one foot with one foil wrapped hand tightly gripping your television antenna as my other arm reaches towards the window so that we can watch a very scratchy Simpsons rerun. I totally understand that you can't afford cable right now. Don't worry, I can't either!

If things go well, perhaps we'll have a second date. This time, you can come over to my place. Don't get any ideas though. Remember, niether one of us can afford condoms. I'll make you Ramen and after we're done eating we can search under my couch cushions for change. Maybe we'll come up with enough to buy a piece of gum from the gas station across the street. We'll have to split it though, because I'm not sure that there is enough change for two double bubbles in my couch.

Don't worry about running out of activities just because we're both broke and unemployed. There are plenty of things that we can do together that don't cost any money at all:

- Use my neighbor's internet connection to cruise craiglist's "free stuff" for items that we might be able to sell on ebay.

- Steal toilet paper from public restrooms when we can't afford to buy any.

- Go for walks.

- Go for more walks.

- Have competitions to see who lost the most weight last week when they couldn't afford any food.

- Offer to clean people's windshield's at gas stations for the tip.

- I'm sure you can think of even more!!!

About two weeks before the end of every month I will expect you to sit on street corners with me as I pathetically attempt to make up rent money buy "playing" the guitar. (If you actually know how to play the guitar, I'll definitely write you back!)

If you happen to get a job while I am still unemployed, don't worry. It will be quick and painless to break up with me. I'll feel really crappy about no longer being equal to you and in order to cheer me up you can take me out for a few drinks. Due to the lack of food in my stomach, it will only take about two beers for me to get completely shit-faced and start crying about how I don't want to lose you to your co-workers and asking "who will sit with me on street corners now!?" While I am in this dependent and pathetic state you can take me back to my apartment and finally sleep with me (using the condoms you just bought with your first paycheck). Slip out the door after I pass out and never call me again.

I won't try to call you back. After all, by then my phone will have been completely shut off due to lack of payment.

All I ask is that if you ever see me on the street corner, still trying to figure out how to play my guitar, leave a dollar in my hat.