1.09.2006

schism

The way I think of myself is often through paralell -- I am in similar standing and position to __blank___. I am the opposite of ___blank____.

But if the blanks are reversed, then suddenly I have created a new person. Or a schism where two of the ideas that I use to organize my persona have switched places.

I have experienced a few major schisms in my life situations. The first leaving the west coast and going to college (the other option being stay, get pregnant again, follow a very worn path.) Perhaps there were more options there, but in my mind there exists a good golly who gave up other ambitions for desperation. She's a very active part of my current life, she acts as a specter who I can tell myself tales about, a ghost motivator. She helps me work long hours and she operates a large portion of my dream life -- nightmares of failure.

I face a smaller schism now, although still in the conversation phase, in terms of my standing in relation to capital. To have access to something I have never imagined for myself. Something that would take me even further away from that other future I maintain through my imagination. To imagine that schism, before it even takes place, has become an operation of fantasy and worry. I would be placed as the opposite, the reverse, of how I currently imgaine myself. It would remove me, in some ways, from my closest friends. Creating a space between our situations that worries me to no end. Of course, turning down such an option would be a false denial, one that would not benefit me nor would it prevent the shift -- since the option of a financial step up is enough to disrupt everything.

That being said, I have not yet won the lottery. That ticket sits on the desk in front of me, taunting me with the fasle hope of being able to lift myself, my family, my favorites to a more solid place. Oh the home I want to buy for my brother, the savings I want to put aside for my aunt so she can quit that telemarketing job before she grows old, gets sick, sinks further into poverty. How I want to wipe away those student loan payments and ease the mind of E.D. and S.T.

What would that mean, to my thinking about myself. Imagine being able to plan what you want, rather than what is necessary. That's the fantasy I engage in once a week, when I purchase a single quick pick ticket. So far beyond golden that I'm dizzy for an hour afterward.

3 Comments:

I really hope you win, even more, sometimes, than I hope I win, because I think you would do more honorable things with it.

Sure, I'd help my family, that is, but I'd be torn about who NOT to help, or how much to give who, and does giving this much to X mean I have to also give this much to Y so that there won't be turmoil, or can I just go ahead and be overt about my favoritism because, well, I'm rich now and that means they all better kiss my ass for a change. So basically, when I get to that part of my lottery fantasy, I start thinking, "Oh well, hopefully good golly wins the thing instead of me. She has a heart of gold."