After loss of son, Byron Center mother helps other grieving parents see light again

Adam Bird | The Grand Rapids PressKim Gill lost her son Patrick in an auto accident 10 years ago.

There was a time when Kim Gill was certain she would never smile again. The abrupt death of her son, Patrick, seemed to paste that heart-wrenching reality in her for all time.

Then Gill gradually came to realize how it is possible to rekindle what's good in life.

But she did not make the long, uphill journey alone, said Gill, 52.

"It does take a long time to laugh again," the Byron Center resident said. "It means we have to be willing to deal with our grief. Grief doesn't define me who I am. I am not a martyr to my grief."

Gill's heartbreak began when Patrick, 18, died in a traffic accident while driving south on U.S. 131 from Grand Rapids to Kalamazoo to attend a friend's funeral 10 years ago.

Suddenly, a north-bound car darted across the highway's median, colliding into Patrick's car, instantly killing the recent Adrian High School graduate. In that moment, Patrick's plans to attend Aquinas College in the fall instantly were snuffed out, said Gill, who along with her husband of 32 years, Pat, and son Chris, 20, will recognize the 10th anniversary Patrick died, June 25, 1999, with a personal ceremony.

The tragedy engulfed Gill.

"I walked around with such hopelessness," she said.

What helped Gill grapple with her loss was a grief support group for parents through Hospice of Lenawee's office in Adrian.

One woman in particular who suffered a similar loss infused Gill with hope.

"It was great to see the light in her eyes," Gill said. "She gave me hope instead of walking around like a zombie."

Aiding others

Gill later decided she could do the same for others after her family relocated to Byron Center.

Six years ago, she became a grief support volunteer, one of three trained volunteers in Hospice of Michigan's Ada Township office.

The intent of the support group is to help parents cope with the loss of their children, regardless of how they died. No attempt is made to pigeonhole parents with simple answers, said HOM grief support manager Desiree Davis.

"We understand there's no quick fix," she said. "Our hope is to provide a nonjudgmental environment where people can receive support as they go through their grieving journey."

Some parents are eager to talk about their deceased children, Gill said. They recall happy memories, vent their anger or share insights to help other parents.

For others, the emotional wounds are too raw to talk. They listen.

The goal is to help parents adopt a new normal for their lives.

"Some are told it's been a year (since their child's death), and it's time to get over it," Gill said. "It takes a long time, and it's different for everybody, but certainly not a year."

For some parents, crossing HOM's doorway to attend a meeting is not easy. Mothers and fathers can be gun-shy attending a group that likely will open emotional wounds before the healing can start, said Davis.

Or they pick up a vibe from others outside the support group it's time for them to get over their heartache, time to "pull it together."

This is particularly true of men, who live in a culture that doesn't encourage them to bare what they are feeling, Davis said.

"Our society doesn't allow men to experience their grief," she said. "They get kind of trapped in it."

Lonnie Davis, of Plainfield Township, is HOM's Ada Township sole male grief support volunteer. He joined eight months ago because his 26-year-old son, Ryan, died in 2006 on his birthday because of an overdose.

Davis said he is unsure if erasing parents' grief is what the group seeks to accomplish.

"I'm not sure if the goal is to take the pain away or more to help folks understand pain is normal," he said.

"Normally we all start off with coffee or water and just go around the table and see how people are doing since the last meeting. That usually sparks a lot of conversation. Everybody is on a different timetable."

Overcoming grief

With time, things do improve, Davis said.

"Really, it's more about talking and sharing experiences with other people who've kind of gone through what we're going through," he said.

"It helps parents who are fairly fresh (from a child dying) talk to somebody who's at a later stage in their child's death. They see hopefulness that's a little further down the road. They know in time they won't feel as desperate or bad as they do now."

During a meeting, a grief support volunteer may suggest a topic to get the conversation rolling, but the real intent is to give parents an opportunity to ferret out what is rumbling inside them.

Sara Winchester

And in time, come to grips with their heartache through others suffering similar -- or sometimes dissimilar -- circumstances, said Sara Winchester, who started volunteering at HOM four years ago.

Winchester initially thought she would devote her time to HOM's patient care, but quickly realized she gravitated to the parents' support group for a reason.

She believes it is better sometimes to listen.

"I have the ability to separate myself and not take others' grief as my own," Winchester said. "That's an issue of respect."

And from the mix of varied conversation, humor sometimes manages to get a toehold from pain's grip.

"The key is we create a safe, confidential space to tell your story," Winchester said. "We don't just come together to be sad. People sometimes just tell funny stories. It's not all dour and gloom, death and dying."

Desiree Davis said it is a strength to have Winchester as a volunteer.

"Sometimes it's important to have someone who is not a parent," Davis said. "They bring different views to the group and may not have a preconceived notions of what a grief reaction should look like."

Parents need to do what Gill calls self care. To her, that means assuaging grief's journey by finding ways to help parents cope.

Such self care may include taking a walk or eating healthy.

"They need to know they can have a full life even though they experience things so horrible," Gill said.