Feeling Number One, aka Let’s Just Get This Out of the Way:
JEREMY RENNER, YOU CRANKY LITTLE LEPRECHAUN, THERE’S A POT OF GOLD AWAITIN’ IN MY PANTS.

This short motherfucker has a face like a baked potato, upon which I would gladly sit. What is his appeal? Is it that he’s so clearly unhappy in every facet of life? Is it that his arms are like molded plastic coated in duckfat? Is it that he can shoot an arrow in one direction while looking over his shoulder in the other and reading a line like it’s the most ridiculous combination of words he’s ever come across? Jeremy Renner is a little shit, and I love him.

And spit green tea all over my computer screen, I was laughing so hard.

So now I have a scalded tongue and a wonky monitor. But I regret nothing; nay, I will thank Tumblr user Elisabeth (I need to find out her last name so I can Facebook friend her—edit: Her name is Elisabeth Geier and now I’m too scared to friend her because she’s awesome) for writing such a hilarious, off-the-rails review of this movie. I’m even willing to overlook the fact that she doesn’t fawn and gush over the movie like everyone else did! Because her analysis is just so random and passionate and forceful; and for the most part, her observations are correct. Yes, Robert Downey Jr.‘s goatee does seem bring to mind well-trimmed ladyparts, and yes, despite popping up at the end of every Marvel movie of the last five years, Clark Gregg‘s Agent Phil Coulson didn’t really have a personal connection to any of the Avengers before he got gutted.

Elisabeth gets that the audiences who aren’t comics fans came for the “hott bodds” of stars like Chris Evans and Chris Hemsworth. (Although I refuse to believe that she didn’t actually know Hemsworth’s name, because come on, how could you not know every detail about this beautiful man.) She also points out scenes that didn’t quite work with the rest of the movie, like when Loki (Tom Hiddleston) had that sort-of-showdown-but-not-really in Europe:

In one incredibly awkward scene, Loki goes to Germany, rounds up a bunch of people, and makes them bow to him. Then he tries to kill a Holocaust survivor (the words “Holocaust survivor” are never spoken, but it’s an old man who stands up and says something like “NEVER AGAIN,” which is movie code for “HEY REMEMBER THAT ONE HORRIBLE ATROCITY, YEAH YOU KNOW THE ONE, ANYHOW NOW THIS MOVIE HAS SOME SERIOUS STUFF IN IT SO GIVE IT AN AWARD”). This scene was so stupid, except it resulted in a three-way battle in the woods between Captain America, Loki, and Thor. Pretty hott.

And the way she describes Gwyneth Paltrow pretty accurately sums up Crushable’s feelings and why we always wrote those GOOP fanfiction posts:

While you’re at it, please explain Stark Industries and the origins of Iron Man, because I only saw Iron Man 2 and I don’t care to go back and watch part one, even if Gwyneth is there barefoot in Daisy Dukes seriously her long legs and her blonde hair my god she is the worst human being but she is so lovely all the time what is wrong with me can we please start a Kickstarter to fund my lobotomy.

Really, you should read the whole thing. Part of what makes a great review is a consistent, relatable voice, and yeah, Elisabeth has got that. Plus, you have to respect a woman who opens an essay inviting Jeremy Renner into bed. Makes me reevaluate Hawkeye now.