Friday, November 08, 2013

The headline was enough to grab my attention. I was willing to jump in
and defend one of my own. What kind of person bullies a SAHM?? The article was written by Jessica Stolzberg for Salon on Nov 7th.

I read the article and found...very little bullying. What I found was a
huge chip on the shoulder of the author. I read a story of an over
defensive reaction to one woman’s inquiry. Perhaps the tone of the
question was wrong but bullying with a question? That’s a bit
oversensitive. I think the real bully is Stolzberg, and she is
bullying herself.

The author and I have something in common, we both have issues with being
a SAHM. We both have feelings of guilt that we aren't working and
contributing to our full potential. How we deal with that guilt is
very different. I have felt the weight of explanation as to why I'm a
SAHM of school age children. When someone asks what I do all day I do
not interpret their inflection of "Can I ask what you do all day?” as an attack.
Like Stolzberg I became a SAHM out of necessity, not choice. I would love to be in the workforce building a
career and working with other adults. However I'm not the main
breadwinner and my husband has the opportunity to earn a large salary
in a major company. His job is demanding and requires travel.
Traditional marriage roles came into play and I took on the role of
full-time homemaker and full-time parent to our two children to allow
him the chance to be fully be engaged in his career*. I was
frustrated at first, feeling like I had to take the back seat to his
career to become a housewife.

Don’t think for a minute this doesn’t jar with my feminist ideals on a
daily basis. I also had a mother who worked full time and tells me
how I “Lucked out” in my situation as a SAHM. Always toned with
dash of jealousy and a pinch of disappointment. How hard she worked
to give me education and opportunity and I chose motherhood and
wifely duties. It’s like she’d birthed me right into the 1950’s
she’d been emancipated from.

Here’s a fact: Feminism was fought to give women the choice; the choice to
have a career or family or both. There should be no judging for which
path we choose. We make these choices because we now have the freedom
to make them. I am grateful that one day I can still go out and work
and have a career - our lives are not on hold or interrupted because
we are now being responsible for raising children, even if they are
teenagers. Equally we should not judge ourselves harshly for choosing
the traditional path. Being mother, partner, wife, supporter is not
going backwards. It is selfless in face of the opportunities we could
have to be the support for our loved ones so they can grow and
develop.

This is not something to be ashamed of or made to feel lazy for choosing.
Stolzberg and I have a job that is 24 hours on call. We are at the
immediate disposal of the family 24/7. All the jobs a parent does,
all the jobs of home management and organisation. We are the personal
assistant and representatives of our family. No one judges the
fireman as lazy because they’re not fighting fires 40 hours a week
and only a moron would think a fireman does nothing in the hours
between fires.

Stolzberg doesn’t need a ready answer or excuse when
someone asks her what she does for a living. She doesn’t need to
feel guilty for not earning a wage. She doesn’t need to feel second
class to career women. Doing these things perpetuates the lie that
SAHMs aren’t valuable or worthy. I’m glad she has a large group of
friends who support her because it sounds like she needs them. But
really what Stolzberg and what other SAHMs need, is to give
themselves credit for the work they do. To understand that those
women who have to work full time and don’t get the level of quality
time with their kids as we do, probably feel a lot of guilt too.
Perhaps they’ll act out and it’s reactionary and in no way should
have an effect on how we feel about ourselves. And if the other woman
is a genuine nasty person who judges SAHMs as lesser beings who are
lazy for not having a career then really, she’s the one we should
be feeling sorry for. She’s not being valued as a parent herself or
feels being a parent is unimportant because she’s lacked good role
models. Who knows, it’s her problem.

SAHMs are not the norm anymore. Being available for our families 24/7 is a
luxury that we should be thankful for this chance; grateful that we have this
unique opportunity. Many families do not get to have this precious
time with their kids. We should embrace this time to be with our
children while they’re young because they’ll be adults and on
their own before long. I don’t want to be looking back on this time
thinking I should have been with my kids more. You can’t get this
time with your kids back. Someone who thinks staying home to raise
the kids, even when they’re older, as unmotivated has some serious
issues; but their real issue isn’t with the parent, it’s with
themselves.

*He is not a bastard for this, by the way. He’s hard working, devoted
and loving and has his own guilt issues about not being as available
for the family as he’d like to be.

1 comment:

I always envisaged Jason staying at home with the babies and me working full time and maybe this will still happen, but not until after the second baby.

The day goes so quickly when you're at home, there are a million and one things to do, and if you go out somewhere that's the day gone.

I am being forced into full time SAHM because of my redundancy at the end of the year and I feel kind of desperate to get another job because frankly staying home with kids all day is WAY HARDER THAN GOING TO WORK. I consider my days at work to be days off parenting because they are so RELAXING.