The Beginnings

My Dream Was To Become A Ballerina.

The grace, the fluttering of emotions, the illusion of legs that extended for miles and of course THE PINK TUTU.

…Even though I was the only girl in the class who STILL hadn’t gotten into the splits despite years of training.

…Even though my ballet teacher Madame D’or used to hit my derriere with a stick every time I stood in first position, asking me to tuck in more. (Yes, I was always blessed with a large booty.)

…And even though the system was rigid and rigorous and insanely competitive, I wanted to be a ballerina.

I Wanted To Live In My Body. I Wanted To EMOTE Through My Body. I Wanted To Be Seen And Adored In My Body.

And Then Came The Day When My Teacher Dropped The Bomb

She told my mom that my knees were shaped in such a way that I would basically have serious knee pain my whole life if I proceeded to dance on pointe.

I was DEVASTATED. All I wanted was to wear those wooden shoes and see the world from an inch or two higher.

And now, I was told, I couldn’t do it.

And Just Like That, My Body Became AN OBSTACLE TO MY DREAMS.

Photo by karen kalou

For a long time I moped, and for some time after I tried to do other dance classes like modern jazz and contemporary. It didn’t do it for me. I wanted the tutu and I wanted to look like a white feather gracing the stage to swan lake – with the damn shoes that made your toes bloody!

But it just wasn’t an option.

So I stopped dancing ALL TOGETHER – until I discovered rave culture.

Finally I had a place to immerse back into my body! I would go and spend 8-10-12 hours dancing in my own bubble, feeling everything I needed to feel. It was excessive but it was needed.

It Became My New Heaven.

A place where I could tune out all my Type A tendencies and all my worries. I would walk into a club at 2am and lose myself in the music until noon the next day. I had a group of dancing friends who would lose themselves with me and we had hugs on tap for each other when we emerged from our dancing bubbles.

But overtime it went from my sanctuary to my crutch. I could not dance unless I was under the influence.I could not connect within until I had no choice but to tune out the world.

I could not feel unless everything was perfectly orchestrated.

And that became so frustrating.

Over time, this lifestyle grew old and my body was suffering. I had bigger goals in life and moving to LA to go to film school was one of them.

It was while I was in LA, doing my masters in film producing, that I came across S factor, a pole-dancing studio that was all about getting in touch with your sensuality and what they like to call your “Erotic Creature”.

I Had Been Looking For A Workout Other Than The Boring Gym, And Boy Did I Find MY JAM!I BECAME OBSESSED.

Here was a chance for me to get back into my emotional body and connect to my sensuality in the presence of safety and non-judgement,

with a group of women who held me in the space as we all re-discovered the power in our vulnerability and the beauty of the stories in our bodies.

I was hooked. So much so that I became an Instructor at their NY Studio and began guiding women through their journey of discovering their body voice.

A few years later, life took me on a nomadic journey with my partner. Traveling through S.E. Asia, Europe And South America was an adventure but getting a dance class where I felt safe to emote and tune back into my body posed a challenge.