Autumn 2006 - Age 19

Is this depression?

I have class tomorrow morning, but I can’t sleep. I am so nervous about everything that I can't eat right anymore, for a while I was overeating and freakishly calm and didn't give a shit about anything, and now I'm barely eating and nervous as shit.

I am in a really privileged position, I'm at a great school, I have a good paying part-time job, I have the opportunity to study abroad for a whole year.

Problem numero uno: I don't know what I want. I don't know what I want. I am sabotaging my present life because I cannot figure out the future. I am so scared of making a mistake that I cannot act at all. Moving forward is all I want to do but it is all I cannot do. I have all this potential, and I know it, but I can't seem to apply it. I have a 4 page paper due on Friday on a book I haven't read. I have a study abroad application due on Friday that I could have had done a long long time ago and I have a documentary to edit and present by the following Friday, I have a 15 page paper due that Friday too and I haven't started any of it. It's like, I think for some fucked up reason, that if I ignore it, it'll go away.

Problem dos: I used to be confident and could make decisions and create pathways to positive change. All I do now is get excited about an idea and not act on it, I tell people about the idea and if they have different ideas I just take those ideas on and let them hinder my dreams instead of listening and absorbing and deciding what I want to accept or not accept. I can't fucking explain and I can't find an answer to it. I feel like I can't even talk to anyone about my internal pain because their opinion influences my own conclusions to the extent that I can't stand up for myself or reach a decision about myself and what I need to do to be happy.

Problem tres:All I do is escape into fantasy and I avoid any real contact with other people. I haven't had sex since February let alone gone on a date. Hell, I haven't been asked on a date. I've gained 25-30 pounds, and I gained it all in 1-2 months. I think about my ex still, even though he was a jerk, I mean for God's sake he cheated on me...TWICE...broke up with me and told me that for an entire year he had been lying to me and didn't love me for all of that time.

I have so many emotional problems that I can't even count them all. I was pre-med and I quit, do you know why I quit? It’s because I punked out. Chemistry was hard and the professor was a total asshole who discouraged me from studying chem. Then, I questioned everything more than ever. I want to do theatre and writing because I love it, but will I be successful? Will other people think I'm successful? Why do I give a shit what other people think? If I'm a doctor, it means I'm smart and have money and save lives, but those aren't the right reasons for wanting to be a doctor…I'm interested in medicine but can I handle it? Will my whole life be spent in the library or a hospital, or at least the next 10 years?

I don't know what I want and it EATS ME UP because I have no control. No control over anything. I tried so hard to change myself because I thought I was too stubborn, so focused that I couldn't do anything but my work, too determined that I would hurt people without even knowing it. I tried so hard to change that about myself that I completely lost myself.

Every day I struggle to get up and go to class. I find no meaning in anything I do and I go to a counselor here on campus, but I still feel the same. I can't find the motivation to go to the gym because I wonder if my motivation for weight loss is “right” or if it is too stereotypical.

I want to escape and move away. I want to just run away from everything.

I find a way to make it through every moment, I'm not incredibly sad all the time and I don't think I'm a worthless piece of shit. I know I'm smart, innovative and have a lot to offer, I just don't know how to do it and I'm terrified of everything.

What is happiness anyway? The only time I know of it is in spurts. Like...hanging out with my brother and watching stupid home movies...and...um...well I've got nothing else really. I don’t remember what to do to be happy, I'm not even content. I'm not really discontent, I just can't seem to give a shit. I was giving a shit earlier, kind of ready to go into next semester, and finish out my two and a half years left in school, but then I go back to not knowing what the fuck I want to do and not being able to figure out what will make me fucking happy. And being pissed at myself for not being able to just let it go and focus on what I need to do to get through the week. Like those essays and that project and that study abroad thing.

Holy shit, this a long entry. And while it felt kind of nice to get it out it at the same time I have come to no new understanding about it all. Same old shit that I can't seem to completely get over. Building mountains out of molehills is what they call it, and I cannnnnnot seem to stop. But I always know that "this too shall pass" and there will be another moment when everything will be grand and I won't feel like this. The one thing my older self will be telling my younger self is: "Calm the shit down, you're a feckin' nutjob." And my younger self will look back at my old self and say, "Hey you old fart, if I hadn't been this nutjob you wouldn't have gotten where you are." So I guess, in the end, everything will work out in some shape or form, for better or worse, it happened. Yada yada yada. I should write a book about my fucked up head.

3 November 2017 By Kristance Harlow

Journal Journeys is not being published in real time, unless otherwise noted, they come from past experiences to talk about stigmatized topics: mental illness, addiction, domestic violence. If we fear we cannot speak about it, then the shame will keep us from seeking help when we need it most.