Friday, March 30, 2007

Equine's Posterior® Award, late March 2007.

This morning, I finally read the March Creativity, the monthly AdAge supplement for self-fellating copywriters and art directors. In the "Work" section, Andrew Keller, ECD (that's Executive Creative Director for you laypeoples) at Miami's CP+B, spouts some high-level horseshit while discussing the agency's newish print work for VW. When asked about how the ads (above right) lovingly borrow from the classic DDB ads of yore, he responds:"It's not the point. Ultimately, VW must be a transcendent brand (what?). It must take stock and make sense of its historical position while creating a modern statement (what-what?)."For speaking like a parody of a marketing MBA doofus, Andrew receives a tasty chocolate Horse's Ass.(VW "Lemon" link found at ciadvertising.org)previous winners of a chocolate horse's ass:1. Bob Garfield.2. TBWA/Chiat Day creative dept.3. New York Times' David Carr.4. Michael Goldberg, CMO, Zimmerman Group.5. David Roman, VP, hp.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

The French coulda used this sailor in both World Wars.

Old campaign, I know (I posted on it last year). But with Spring springing, I'm feeling all virile and manly and shit. I've got a beard going, I've increased the frequency of my dip & pull-up workouts...I'm scratching my tingling itchy balls right this second. Earlier this week, I came across this not-new ad for the French spring water with bubbles—and punched the cartoon magazine man in the face. I get it, Perrier; your American male numbers probably ain't exactly impressive—some Boomers and EuroTrash. But you can call your prissy-ass product "manlier" all you want, that ain't gonna get the lucrative young meathead demographic to guzzle your effervescent beverage with their Taco Bell takeout. previously in bottled water ads:1. Perrier. Shittier.2. Anthropomorphism, to the power of Retarded.3. 50's packin'. Nutrients.

Stalin as Repo Man.

A Ukrainian heating company has put up posters of Stalin around the city of Donetsk to strongly encourage citizens to pay their past-due bills. "It was the nearest we could get to intimidating people without sending round the heavy mob," said Alexandra Semchenko, deputy director of the state-owned Donetsk Heating Company. Risking limbs and life, a copyranter operative from the area has obtained an image of one of the posters (right). Pasting the copy into my always-accurate free translator reveals this: "Pay your heating bills on time Comrades, or your current leaders will purge this bourgeois burg fasting than you can say 'Yakov Smirnoff!'"(via ananova)previously in ananova finds:1. The most brilliant-est tourism marketing move EVER!2. The world's worst sound ID'ed.3. 2006 Darwin Award winners.4. Colonel Gaddafi wants his Coke® money.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Your ad's so confusing, it makes Bush's policies look lucid.

I've seen this ad for Manhattan Mini Storage on the A train a few times now. This particular ride, I stared at it for a good 125 blocks trying to figure out what the fucking hell it means. No luck. That's "Cheney," with an "I Love Haliburton" button on his lapel. Yesterday, I consulted a whip-smart, gay VP of digital content (who never was in the closet, as far as I know). His interpretation: "If they're saying your apartment's narrow closet represents your beliefs or mind, then even Cheney's beliefs are more liberal than you/your closet..."I...don't know. I keep coming up with the visual of Dick ass-fucking a submissive Karl Rove in a secret gimp bunker below the White House. (image put into my head, kinda, by the sick, brilliant Rude Pundit.)previously in WTF? or Politics:1. Unfortunately, these are not your Grandfather's underpants.2. The Rolling Grass Thing.3. SHTICKBALL.4. Anti-Bush. Pro Cock.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Comparing the Pears.

Absolute Pears has the cooler bottle design, the ubiquitous ad campaign—including a slick slithering TV spot—and the trial-inviting copy line "The New Taste Of Temptation." What's Grey Goose's La Poire got going for it? One thing only: it doesn't taste like a combo of cough medicine and snake shit. Seriously, Absolut Pears is fucking awful; a very fake tasting "pear" flavor that completely overpowers the vodka. Very disappointing, considering how delicious AbsolutMandarin is. Grey Goose La Poire, however, is tasty; the essence of Anjou pears added to the vodka creates a nicely subtle flavor. Don't believe me? Two bar professionals recently confirmed my opinion about Absolut Pears: 1. The female bartender with the slight eastern European accent in the Jet Blue terminal at JFK airport. 2. A waitress at a pool hall outside of Tuscon, Arizona. Also, the archeress took one sip and almost ralphed.previously in vodka:1. V2. Get Bombed.2. XTRA! XTRA!3. Excuse Me While I Puke And Die.4. Let's Get EFFEN Drunk.5. ABSOLUTKRAP.related on Gawker: Vodka Wars.

True is not Blue, according to CEO Herb Vest.

Since this story ran Monday in the New York Times—in which full-of-shit Vest denies that his ads are pornographic—I've gotten another couple of anon email tips about true.com and CEO Vest.

Piling on to this post, the first tipster confirms that Vest is the defendant in at least two lawsuits: go here (link), and then enter these two case numbers: 05-05-01366 CV and 05-05-01710 CV. I'm too lazy to dig into the cases, but be my guest.

A second tipster says that the reason that Vest is not exactly prompt in returning true.com member fees (a fact covered in the Times piece) is that he needs the money to pay his legal fees. He/she also says that Vest ripped off his Mother and Sons of millions.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Lies Well Disguised, #26.

Six months of gawker columns...they originally told me 2-3 months would be the run. On Tuesday, I wrote about something called Trend School here in Manhattan. It's as stupid as it sounds (link). For old Lies Well Disguised pieces, type those words in the search window, upper left.

Flushing The Crankcase.

Spring has fucking sprung. We in NYC, supposedly, got us some nice 60+ degree weather coming. I'm moving in with my beautiful girlfriend in her beautiful apartment in her beautiful neighborhood next month. I'm 6-2. I've got broad shoulders, hard arms, a small waist, and a very tight ass. I feel like a 20 year-old. Also, I don't smell. Chicks generally dig me. Handsome gay men hit on me. My job is peachy (don't worry, I still hate the fucking ad industry). Since the season hasn't started yet, my Seattle Mariners are tied for first place. I saw the Heartless Bastards at Maxwell's last night, and they were fantastic. I have cool shoes/boots. There are twoSimpsons reruns on every weekday eve. I haven't been shit on the head by a fucking fat-ass pigeon in a couple of years. My continuous desire to full-forcefully bodycheck every clueless dickwad who doesn't know how to walk on Manhattan sidewalks has ebbed. Somewhat. My strong urges to punch every man/woman in the face who rushes into the elevator before I exit aren't coming quite so close to metamorphing into actual clouts. The loud voice in my head that tells me to smash every bartender in the back of the head with the 6-8 dollar glass of 99/100s ice and 1/100s bourbon he/she serves me is a couple of decibels lower...Question: does anybody out there know what the waiting period is for buying a gun in New York City?copyranter(photo: old wall ad on Lafayette St.)previously in copyranter is a fucking dick:1. Advertising sucks SMELLY DICK.2. Nemo the Goldfish.3. The Human Trainwreck.4. copyranter's new logo.5. Catching squirrels in Washington Square Park.

Why the New York Times shouldn't bother covering hockey: Example #3872.

(click image for closer look)The caption, from yesterday's edition, says: "The Rangers' Peter Prucha preparing for a shot..." If there's one thing that Prucha is NOT doing in this photo, it's preparing to take a shot. Firstly, look at the position of the players on the ice; Prucha is either in his own zone or the neutral zone. Secondly, look at the Penguins' skater to the left; he's looking at the puck—which is not in the vicinity of Prucha's stick—which is the implement used by hockey players to take "shots."This stupid, lazy mis-captioning of hockey photos is not a rare occurrence at the "national paper of record."Additionally, their hockey reporters obviously don't know the sport very well, as they often—and I mean OFTEN—wrongly describe how the previous night's goals were scored.Being a former small-time sports journalist, I know how the American sports reporting system works: low man/woman on the totem pool at major newspapers covers hockey. Still, you're the...NEW YORK FUCKING TIMES.previously in NY Times sucks:1. Nice scoop, Stuart.2. No, I'm a Ranternista.3. Page A2 is usually fucking hilarious.4. Take a trip down Memory Lane (a toll road).5. Tommy, I think about sex A LOT.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Equine's Posterior Award™, March 2007.

Senior windbag "ad critic" Bob Garfield could, seriously, win my chocolate horse's ass award every week. For the uninformed, Bob got his start in 1906 taking on snake oil advertisements. Today, he is revered all over MediaLand as the authority on ad criticism—even though he's apparently never actually produced a TV spot/ad ( at least one he's ever shown to anybody). Sure, most film critics have never made a film, but this is advertising, not art. And just to dispel your first thought—no, he's never panned a commercial I worked on. Anyway! To the Award. In last week's AdAge, Garfield interviewed Bill Gates. The session ended suchly:Garfield: ...Those Mac ads—how do you feel about the John Hodgeman character? Gates: I can't comment on someone else's ad. Garfield: OK...but he's you. Gates: Yeah, I'm not gonna comment on someone else's ad. Garfield: OK, well Bill Gates, thank you so much for joining us. Gates: ... Garfield: Can I just have a clean goodbye? Gates: ... Garfield: OK, can you just say goodbye? Thank you or goodbye or something like that. Gates: Goodbye.Stellar journalism, Bob. Taking your cues from Donny Deutsch, are you?UPDATE: Someone calling himself "Robert"—possibly Bob Garfield—has responded in the comments, calling a couple of you "douchebags." It's possible that it's him; I called him a windbag in this Gawker column and he commented on the post. previous Equine's Posterior Award™ winners:1. TBWA-Chiat Day creative department.2. New York Times' David Carr.3. Michael Goldberg, CMO, Zimmerman Group.4. David Roman, VP, hp.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

"I got your caption right here, Balvenie Weenie®."

Just to get this outta the way: Balvenie's updated the mouthlessdouchebag artwork! (click image) Trying to make him look younger, cooler. HA! Anyway, the Balvenie people want us consumers to submit captions for this particular cartoon celebrating their 10-year-run of placing ads in the Wall Street Journal. You can do it yourself at www.haveabrilliantweekend.com (click on "balvenie contest"), or you can leave 'em here in the comments, and I'll submit them myself. Here's a couple of quick thoughts to start things:• "Good with your lips, I see."• That's the same sound I make when I cum."• "Not now Marge, I got Whiskey dick."for the previous nine Balvenie Weenie® posts:1. Let's speed up the aging process.2. No crying or pouting DoucheFace.

Lies Well Disguised, #25.

Tuesday on gawker, Inspired by the Geico cavemen getting a sitcom pilot, I used my "imagination" and imagined a few more possible ad icon sitcoms. (link) For previous Lies Well Disguised columns, just type that phrase into my search window, upper left.

A $4,500 library chair. That's so PUNK ROCK!!!

(scanned from today's NY Times Homes section.)Chicago-based interior designer Kara Martin (right) is the first in America to carry the "punk-inspired" furniture of London's Jimmie Martin. Damn. If only Sid Vicious had eased up on the smack, he could be nestled comfortably in that baby in his study, smoking a blunt, listening to Good Charlotte, and laughing his fucking head off. Ms. Martin's number is 312.893.7550. Call and tell her, in your best horrible Mockney accent, what a brilliant fucking anarchistic visionary she is.previously in stupid design:1. copyranter's new logo.2. hp. Huckster Plagiarism?3. These are not your Grandfather's underpants.4. Rolling grass thing.

Cookie O'Puss.

Let's take a trip back to a St. Patrick's Day long ago. Tommy Carvel, ABSOLUTE FUCKING GENIUS, was still alive and he still had a great idea or two left in him. Sure, Cookie Puss was already a big seller. Fudgie The Whale, too. But then one late night, while many a stoned/wasted New Yorker was watching TV, this (link) appeared (dig that spacey Irish accent!) Not only did it change the way millions (ok, maybe hundreds of thousands) celebrated the holiday, it also inspired a Beastie Boys song.related:1. fMRI Imaging vs. Cookie Puss.2. CE-O what a mistake.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

EXCLUSIVE—Coming Soon! Super Duper Double Extra Strength Ziploc!

copyranter's focus group operative #1 reports in from the field about a new secret product on the way from SC Johnson'sZiploc. The operative took part in a naming session (for reals!) for what looks to be the strongest Ziploc yet!!!Here's some of the names they ran by him/her for approval—extra stupid ones bolded:• Ziploc with Ultrafresh • Ziploc with FoodShield • Ziploc with Ultralastic • Ziploc with Duralast • Ziploc with Duron(Duron, from outer space!) • Ziploc with Fortex (?) • Ziploc with DuraMax • Ziploc with Freshvantage • Ziploc with Resilex • Ziploc with Freshlastic (sounds like a DJ name) • Ziploc with XtraProtect • Ziploc with Reliashield (for those "heavy" flow days, girls) • Ziploc with Freshguard • Ziploc with Durapreme • Ziploc with Duracare • Add yours in the comments...previously in stupid marketing:1. Murdering Cereal with Marketing.2. Inside the Puffs® testing laboratory.3. M&Ms "for business"4. fMRI Imaging vs. Cookie Puss.5. Cerealism.

Friday, March 09, 2007

Brown Sugar.

Left, one of the first altoids ads done by Leo Burnett, circa mid-90s. Right, One of the last ads (an outdoor poster photographed by the archeress on the UWS) done by the Chicago agency for their now ex-client's new chocolate-dipped mints; it's the same strongman, except dipped in chocolate-y goodness. I have nothing too harsh to say here, except that the agency's executions definitely started to go stale and sour the last few years. Still, it is one of the best print campaigns of the last decade. Also, it seems altoids has hopped on the consumer-generated cliché-mobile by seeking your messages to possibly put on a future banner ad.previously in altoids ads:1. ad absurdum.2. altoids makes smug New Yorker readers feel smugger.

Lies Well Disguised, #24.

The Axe Effect!It is truly one of the great marketing stories of our time. A generation of Alpha Males now thinks girlie-spraying their bodies with perfume is manly. Amazing. (link).For previously gawkerLies Well Disguised columns, type those three words up there in my search window.

EXCLUSIVE—Simon Cowell smokes Kools.

(click images for closer look)
Since I have never intentionally watched one nanosecond of American Idol, I thought I'd deliver this pathetic piece of gossip minutiae. It also appears that Cowell is quaffing a Heineken, possibly just because the green bottle matches his Kools. Also pictured, The Osbournes; Sharon looks nicely toasted and Ozzy looks thrilled to be in the pages of Advertising Age with OK! publisher Richard Desmond's arm around him. Long way from War Pigs, ain't it John Michael? Sorry, forgot you're going deaf—LONG WAY FROM WAR PIGS, AIN'T IT JOHN MICHAEL? (photo from the Elton John AIDS Foundation Oscar® party)previously in celebs:
1. What's next Burt? Burt's Bees?
2. Right Gwynnie. And I'm Martian.
3. Can't spell "anthropomorphism" without Mohr.
4. copyranter celeb dish #1: Dennis Miller vs. JK Simmons.

Equine's Posterior™ Award, February 2007.

The February issue of Creativity magazine, titled "The Rebirth of Madison Avenue," was a swollen purple vein of HorseAssery. There was, of course, the "creativesroundtable." And then there was the above pic of the TBWA\Chiat\Day creative department playing dress-up, pretending like they were back in the salad days of advertising "creativity," the 1960s. The above 32 "creatives" have all been selected to receive a chocolate horse's ass in recognition of their hackneyed slyness. Congrats to all, etc.previous Equine's Posterior™ award winners:
1. New York Times' David Carr.
2. Michael Goldberg, CMO, Zimmerman Group.
3. David Roman, VP, hp.