Sunday, June 29, 2003

Scanderbeg is a Frank Frazetta survivor. He is a blood-drinker and a meat eater; the prehistoric warrior that crowds pay to see. He bites the ears off his opponents like Mike Tyson; he vomits down their throats and tears their tracheae out with his teeth. He’s from 1000 AD!! What do you expect?

Hanuman is just Bootsy Collins. Because he has the banana peel.

How complicated is Perkin Warbeck? He is a Richard Scarry character. He is the screw-up farmer’s assistant. He is Madeleine made flesh. He is a smoker in secret. He has numerous patrons in several countries and will be a lot of fun. He is just a sunflower. OK?

Ivan III is serious, because his father was blinded by Dmitri Shemyaka. He is a smelly, hunchbacked disaster who ultimately forms Russia out of a bunch of little nothing forest villages. He’s got vision, dig? He’s ugly and convinced of his role in history. He married Snappy’s cousin or something and so we like him. Car mechanic from WV

Dmitri Shemyaka is the Baron Karzai. He’s so evil we don’t even identify with him. Asbestos lead asbestos. UBERdomovoi, easter island statue

Snappy fires Foma for eating honey. Foma wanders off, distraught, and they are beset by Teutons. Mathis, Furtwangler, der KRUSHER. Mood music from Alexander Nevsky. Snappy feels remorse for firing his idiot and takes to the woods with Anna and Haji-Girei to find him. Alnus distracts the Teutons and gets them drunk, sends his BEAR to go get Scanderbeg and/or Scand’s posse (Moses of Dhibra, Count Vrana, Tanush Thopia).

Perkin and arch-enemy Baldak Borisievich are stranded in the primeval forest as the sun sets. They have eaten their last fish, and are scavenging for mushrooms and owl scat. There are howling, starving wolves encircling, and vultures wheeling overhead, etc etc. They stumble across the snow-covered body of Scanderbeg, sleeping off a 2-week bender. There is a family of birds living in his enormous nostrils, and a yozhik in his trousers. The stranded foreigners recoil in existential fear and horror as they experience the withering blasts of Scanderbeg's morning breath. The birds drop from the air and writhe as their carbonized feathers are reduced to cinders. Barvat lovingly wraps the birds in muslin. The biryozi crackle with flame and there is the steady sound of rain as all the forests' insects evacuate their cloacas*. The snow hisses, melts and feeds the tender shoots of brown wheatgrass with warm toxic antifreeze.

"One of these snowdrifts has Teutons in it. Maybe more. I clubbed 'em good but I passed out before I could kill em." The lads poke into the drifts with sharpened stix. Scand uses his Morning Breath as Godzilla would, incinerating a swathe with each heave, sweeping methodically from left to right.
No wepins!

Logs and twigs, Flintstones wepins. Braonze age krapple. Birds beaks and klubs with rox tied on with catgut.

mathis der mauler breaks bones, lives in a decrepit castle like baron zemo. painter! lowgrade dentures or baleen. skulks around his mountaintop and pines for his faraway love like rainer maria rilke.

the swiss krusher is l’eminence grise. Qui est-ce??has long bony fingers a la nosferatu. and multiple rows of pogues teeth. keeps spiders in a leather pouch.

Afanasy Nikitin

Afanasy Nikitin was the first Russian to explore India, which he wound up doing in about 1466.

In history books you will find very little about his dealings with the Shuisky sisters, or Alnus Rugosa, or Das Brick, because I made them up.

Ali Qushji and Perkin Warbeck and Jami the Persian Poet were real people, who sadly never really had anything to do with Russia or Afanasy Nikitin. The Kreml, while a real place, was probably not as fun as it appears herein.

So abandon all pretence of learning about historical Russia, ye who enter here.