Saturday, December 30, 2006

I don't have a clear recollection of this night, probably because I was testing some MethyleneDioxyMethAmphetamine for someone who knows some people who know someone who is a gangster.

No seriously, I had started on Margeritas before leaving for the gig and had become progressively inebriated (hic) before going onstage. I know it was full and I think everyone enjoyed it...I think I did anyway.

We had run out of avalanche spray - the stuff we use for Rod Stewarts ejaculation and Chappie had to take a mouthfull of talcum powder to get a laff, he wished he hadn't.

It stuck to the lining of his mouth and throat and caked like a scab, he was in a right state.

So aside from this and us watching Faulty Towers on the way up, I can't remember much else!

Monday, December 25, 2006

The concluding chapter in this series of two episodes took place at the Waterfront Night Club in Hull on Christmas Eve 2006.

At first it seemed apparent that the only people around town this night were sad single blokes, outnumbering the girls about 10 to 1.

That's what it looked like, but inbetween the time it took for us to go backstage and appear for the Drifters, the place had filled up quickly with a nice mix of contradictory gender :)

It was our opinion that this lot wouldn't be in the slightest bit interested in our act...how wrong could we be???

Unlike Livingstones last week, the lads at the front all had their camera phones out taking pictures and videoing bits of the act, Craig David seeming to be a favourite.

"Can I get a reeeeeewind?": Craig David @ Waterfront, the other day.

This crowd were great and we felt at ease in no time but, unlike last night, we can't say for sure if this was down to it being Christmas Eve?

We were halfway through the show when 12:00am came round and reminding the revellers that it was now Christmas day seemed to rev them up further, nice one!

Only two more gigs to go this year and these last weeks have been like old times, we just see so many happy smiling faces laughing at us...which is what we're out there to do, so as long as we see that, we'll keep doing it.

We will not see each other until the 29th now, so there was a lot of group hugs and good wishes.

Once again, we would like to thank everyone who came for making it the night it was, an act is only as good as its crowd, so our crowd tonight (and last night) have been fantastic.

We wish you all a very Merry Christmas, luv 'n' stuff from all at Housequake.

£10:00 a ticket and you get a Turkey and Cranberry sandwich on entry??? I would have wanted a complimentary holiday in Tailand contraceptives included but I suppose it is Christmas.

Once again it was about 10 people deep at the bar, the place was heaving and there wasn't enuff staff to keep everybody moist, at least all that body heat kept us all warm.

It is always nerve wracking playing to a home crowd, especially one that knows full well what they're coming to see. Housequake have performed in the middle of the pitch at Old Trafford doing pre match warm-ups for Sky TV and we still only get nervous when we play at home?!

Anyways,

This gig went down a storm and we can't say it was 'coz of Christmas 'coz it's the same every time we do the CP.

Bit of contradiction for me calling it a big boozy p1ss up as I was on coke (noooo, the drink!) whenever I could get to the bar.

Friday, December 22, 2006

Whenever asked "What do you want to drink?" I always reply "Surprise me...", after a couple of Coronas, many glasses of Bucksfizz, a lot of Champagne with a cherry liquer, 2 bottles of Newcastle Brown, a few Pernod & lemonades and the obligatory JD&Cokes, I stopped asking to be surprised.

Needless to say I didn't want to get up for work today.

Anyways

This was a very swanky do. It was the Christmas Bash of Hallmark the card people who had gone for a full on Hollywood award ceremony theme.

The ents manager was a nice Scots lady called Lesley(27), who did look after us very well.

After much ripping of Shauns £150 jeans and plenty of drunken garbage, we managed to make our way to the stage - Shaun asking me if I wanted to go outside and have a fight on the way.

"I don't even know you": Lesley (29), Hallmark cards

We had been asked to do a clean show and Shaun had arranged this with nice lady - but be a little bit dirty but - not too much etc, etc. wtf is Norman selling us as? It's like booking Chubby Brown with some exotic Tai ping-pong juggler and asking them not to be crude.

We were just pleased when we finally got onstage, that everyone enjoyed themselves.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Monday, December 18, 2006

As we drove up the main road to Livingstones, a car came flying out of a side street bang into a car coming toward us, if we'd have been 10 seconds earlier, it would have been us.

The young lad driving looked as though this was his 1st incident but we all kinda got the feeling he'd borrowed his Mothers car - without her knowing - and was scooting his mates all over town in it, you could see by his expression somehow.

Gig was OK but as is often the case in pubs when we go on late and everone is pished, not everyone wants to see a set of silly bastards fukin about, so they opt to stand close to the front just glowering at us and gesticulating things, wanker usually.

Not surprising that they're Rambo types who don't like people paying us more attention than them.

"Whassamatta mate? Wanna see more tit? Go look in the fukin mirror"

Anyway, fuk 'em!

We're being payed to do it and so just concentrate on getting pished and the people who are watching more involved.

It was the general concensus that we were all glad to get out, that place was SO LOUD my ears were still ringing when I got to bed.

Good do, we always like playing Barnsley more than anywhere else but we were on too late.

Fekin 'ell we thought when we arrived, looked like a job club and no-one wanted to be there.

Fekin 'ell we thought when we did hear the PA, Shaun and Joolz having wired everything into the fallback amp and the mikes upside down.

A lot of dispute about clean or dity act as we had been asked for clean but then Terry (97), Club compere asked us for some filth.

Ralph took everyone to one side and stressed that we needed paying so cut down on the swearing...he then was 1st on shouting 'fuckity fuck, get fucking black ya fuckin muthafuckers!'

"Yeah, you ya bastad!": A Temptation by a fire exit, yesterday.

I decided to ask the audience at key points of the show "Do you want the censored version or the full filth?" answer always yes!

Some people wished they had voted the other way after seeing Rod Stewart ascertain if the jamrag really did belong to Tina Turner.

That'll learn 'em!

All's well that ends well and the crowd to our delight enjoyed the show, Terry (102) coming backstage to say how much everyone liked us and want us back, not one complaint (hooray) until I got out of the dressing cupboard (hooroo).

I was informed by a lovely Catholic Irish lady called Cath (74), that we all had lovely voices, our singing was beautiful and we don't need to do that comedy stuff 'coz it's just not funny.

I tried to explain that we are an adult only comedy showgroup and that's what we do, reinforcing my argument with the fact she was the only person to complain.

Cath (87) said "Well I won't be back to see that dorty filth, but I'll hear you sing again...anyhow, this is me husband, we have a terrific sex life..." and on she went about how they'd been at it from kids before they were married and every which way and place you could imagine. Plenty of material to put in our act.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Arrived early again so had about 3hrs to kill before going on, we got a few free drinks to help us get over it though.

I demonstrated Bluejacking to Joolz by sending anonymous texts to a 'Mrs Baldminge' who was stood looking puzzled at her mobi, Joolz then went over and enquired "Mrs Baldminge I presume" he was suitibly impressed that I knew what I was doing . . . I don't know what Mrs Baldminges sentiments were though.

It would have been funnier if I'd have sent him over to someone else but as usual, one always thinks of what one SHOULD have done.

Anyhow

I personally had a feeling before going on that Crawley wouldn't like us, being Northerners and that but they seemed to enjoy everything we threw at them, nice one!

Bit of a disaster for Chappie who we were delighted stepped in for Lucky Shaun; Shaun very brutally accidentally getting drunk whilst trying to sell a basket of pups.

The dynamic duo (Joolz and Chappie) were just about to get onto the M1 when they realised they'd forgot to remember to fuel up, the unsurprising result being they spent a few hours on the M25 waiting for some diesel to arrive.

Whilst there they did remember they had taken the brand spanking new Indian headdress out of a box to put in the van . . . and had left it at the club.

Numpties on more than one count!

"They are nowt but a pair of talentless dimwitted fukwits, aside from that, I have no comment to make": A Red Indian Headdress by a painting, yesterday.

Carl (DJ) stressed we should do the full show and not pull out our Taliban act because he wanted to get up and do that bit, despite him having to set up the gear as the roadies had forgotten how to wire all five cables in!!??

Couple of free drinks tokens for us all, a couple o' bottles of champers that got downed in mega quick time and we were ready to go, Carl introducing us with:

"We only want girls down here at the front, all you blokes stay at the back. We don't want any fellas watching us"

Carl also performing in Temptations, Kelly Osbourne, Thriller monster, Rod & Tina, Village People, Taliban, Village People and Riverdance.

[Rant /mode on]

Couple of dumb fukkers at front, just stood looking at their mobi's whilst we're onstage . . . wtf is that all about??? I mean, JUST STOOD IN FRONT OF THE STAGE, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DANCE FLOOR WHILE THE ACT'S ON, TXTING SOME B@STARD???

Better still, even trying to hold a conversation with some poor tw@t who can obviously hear even less than the pillock who's calling them!

AS IF THEY CAN FUKIN HEAR YOU, YOU SHTOOPID GORMLESS FUKWIT!!!

[Rant /off]

George Bush: "She's not from round here!" Taliban: "She is, she's that fukin teacher from Dewsbury!"

Joolz showed off his new Red Indian Headdress, wonder how long it will last???

Shaun just showed off, that'll last!!!

Big Thanks to Carl, oh and Joolz...for getting him to set up our gear!

"I'm the only one with any real talent in this set o'bastards!": Carl, DJ extraordinaire, Wakey wakey

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Arrived on barracks to find a very very posh do, all attendees in regimental costume and one helluva spread layed on, if you can be sure of three things it's that our armed forces are dressed well, fed well and can party like Hell!

Although we were booked for one clean show it transpired that Kev (acting ents manager) would like some filth and. . . . . two sets! This decision was ummed and aah'd about for a few hours until we eventually did a one hour dirty show at about 11:30PM.

The crowd were suitably impressed and not a single complaint was had, much to Kev's delight - he feared a court martial may be in the offing.

Drinks were particularly expensive at about £4 a round? including shorts???

As usual at posh events, we all arrive looking - and smelling in some cases - like a pack o'fukin pikies! It was no surprise when we were asked to move away from the posh room and hide in a corner near the bar in the snooker room. Fair comment.

In here I found an unmolested proper cigar left on an ashtray in a corner and decided to keep it company, I'm fond of a nice cigar at Christmas or I was until the owner of it came back for it, much to the krews delight.

The owner (Joe) was very amiable and offered me another, nice bloke. He bought us a couple of rounds as well.

Funniest part of the night has to be Joolz(67), going to get washed and put on a shirt about half an hour before getting ready to go onstage, he'd spent the evening like iRon with his tank top on and arms out among all this poshness.

Aside from distance, shoe box space behind stage to get changed in and the van getting stuck in the mud it was another gud un.

Plenty of response from the 'get stuck in' Wigan crowd made sure that we felt comfortable and were eager to put out a good vibe, plenty of laffs at Chappie's helium effect singing and Cheeky Girls to name just a couple.

Frank 'the Saint' Sinclair, the clubs Compere was backstage offering his usual merchandise: dont-reactolite sunglasses, tachini tracksuits and those little blue things that go 'eeeep' when squeezed, but as we had all spent up on wine, women and amateur dramatics the week before, no-one purchased anything. The Saint called us all a bunch of talentless tw@ts.

2nd set saw a few old ones thrown in and the crowd were up dancing from the off.

Chappie managed to glow a little bit red on stage when a group of lasses kept feeling his balls and Soul Glow, in Daves place demonstrated his porn star dancing...again!!!

A thoroughly enjoyable gig, we always like playing GG cos the people are always friendly, the drinks are wicked and the club is banging.

Friday, December 01, 2006

At a recent charity event in Manchester, Coronation Street heart throb Sean Tully (23) was on hand to pull the raffle tickets...Looked like he pulled a gingerstani in the form of Housequake's own Chappie (36)!

Despite this, Sean says he 'would have enjoyed the show, if it wasn't for the complete lack of talent!'