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Did you take down your post about GG because I don't see any of your posts in the last few days with the tag "Boyfriend" or were you talking about your other blog? Maybe he read it because the tag wasn't there?

Oh LR. I am so sorry you're still dealing with the circles. I know it doesn't help with the current situation, but Karma and instituted a "Don't talk about me" rule. I don't think they realize the conflict it causes. When you vent to one partner about another, especially when they have nothing to go on other than what is being told to them, they create an image of you based on hearsay. It's caused a lot of issues for me with the people Karma has dated. If he needs to vent about me, he needs to do it to the friends who know me, who can give him true feedback about things. Not to someone who has no idea who I am and no idea of the context, history or flow of our relationship.

It seems positive that Maca is finally able to express his feelings on things. But it seems that he still isn't able to see your side of any of it. This makes me question if it's such a good idea for him to be involving himself with anyone, let alone some one who is perceiving you so negatively. One thing I have learned on this journey is that if the core isn't healthy and stable, nothing else is going to be either. Which I am sure you are well aware of. I just hope Maca is able to see that and do some more work before jumping further into a situation that is obviously causing a lot of issues.

Mohegan-
Thanks. It's been a frightfullly long and frustrating weekend. I don't know what he understands or what he doesn't. I'm flat exhausted from trying. I feel much the same as I did after my surgeries, except instead of it being purely physical exhuastion from my body needing to heal, it's emotional and psychological exhaustion.

I did try to institute the no talking about me rule. It hasn't gone well. I don't know.

He told me today that the reason he wants someone "so bad" is because "I don't want to be alone". I stopped talking because there is nothing good I can say in reply to that.
If I were a "potential" and I found that out-he'd be off of my list of possible dates immediately. I'd be so damn offended his head would spin with my exit. I feel much the same even though it's not me he's chasing.
I can't find appropriate words to explain my reaction of complete and utter disgust-so I haven't tried to say a word about it.
It's disturbing to think about because it takes me all the way back 15 years, to when our relationship started, wondering if that's the reason he hooked up with me? Sure, NOW I've "earned my keep" so to speak and we have all sorts of combined responsibilities. But, was the key first reason just so he wouldn't be alone?
I'm not sure I want to follow that train of thought, because frankly, it makes my stomach churn considering the possibility of being used just to fill the empty space in someone's life. Fucking disgusts me.

We had drama all weekend, with Maca deciding he wasn't going to deal with her anymore unless/until she made plans to deal with the issues with all three of us and go over the boundaries-then contacting her (behind my back) back and forth and back and forth.

Sunday we went over the secrecy and lying and how unacceptable that is. Better to tell me he changed his mind (even if it is every hour) than to lie and sneak around behind my back.

Monday after work, we were sitting on the couch together. He got a phone call-he didn't recognize the number, so he read it off to me. I didn't recognize it as one I knew offhand (and said so) but I did recognize it as a local land-line number. I was online, so I typed it into the search engine. But, my internet was slow. He answered before it found the business-a local florist.

I heard the conversation. Part way through he took the call outside allegedly to get an address for the caller.

When he came in again, I asked him what that was all about. He made up a story about it being his co-worker, a very detailed and complicated line of BULLSHIT.
I replied with, "so he was calling from the business he was at?"
He said no, he was calling from his cell.
I pointed out that no, that was a local landline-not a cell.

Meanwhile, as he elaborated on his lie-in great depth, I typed out a fairly quick email, to him, stating that I know darnwell his co-worker doesn't work at the local florist and asking-why are you lying to me.

I was so upset, I couldn't talk. He noticed my hands were shaking and I stood up, nearly dropping my cell. I was so astounded at the audacity of the lie and the deliberateness of it and the great depth he went to, to convince me of it. I was speechless.
He asked me if I was ok. I said, "No. No I'm not. I can't talk. I emailed you."
Then I went to the bathroom and sitting on the toilet burst into shocked tears.

After I calmed down some, I went to our room and lay in the bed trying to reason through WTF had just happened, before I confronted him.
But, I knew he'd been up for over 24 hours at that point and was exhausted-not the best time for such a serious conversation.

I decided to go pick up homework from a friend and let myself cool off-waiting til morning to confront the topic.

I came upstairs and let him know. He had read the email and was devastated. He wrote me back an "omg how could you ever forgive me" email while I was gone.

But-at 3am, he woke up (medicated unbeknownst to me) and flew off the handle. We had a HELL of a fight. He basically blamed it all on me. Told me I always have to have everything my way, that I force him to live life my way and I don't care about what anyone wants but myself (things she has suggested based on BULLSHIT he's told her). He threw it in my face that I have GG and he is "alone" (even though I NEVER EVER make plans with GG if Maca is available) and accused me of not allowing him to have someone else (again-NOT TRUE).

Anyway-I was devastated.
About 6am he apologized and said he didn't know what he was thinking blah blah blah and wanting me to tell him what to do to fix it.

That continued to flip flop through Tuesday with him alternately wanting to cuddle and make love ( I refused) and then being pissed off that I was "being a bitch" and blaming me for everything and then being apologetic for everything again and wanting me to tell him what to do to fix things, what I wanted etc only to fly off the handle when I told him no-this was his mess and it was his job to figure out what HE wanted and what HE needed to do with it.

By Tuesday night I was such a mess, I had to walk away and ended up sleeping on the couch.

This morning at 6am he woke me on the couch being sweet, told me he would be back to pack his things after work.
I didn't reply immediately and he asked me what I was thinking. I said, "you need to do what you need to do."
He got pissed and sat down and said, "well you won't TELL ME what you want me to do."
Then he stormed out of the house in a fury.

I texted him that no, I can't TELL HIM what I want him to do-because that results in him later saying I MADE him do what I wanted-and he needs to decide what he NEEDS TO DO.
He was pissy and went off about how he doesn't know what to do and I'm making it more difficult.

At 6:45 I called him and asked him how he expects me to answer "what do I do" without telling him what to do. He was all mellow and apologetic and told me there wans't any way (or reason) I could answer that. That he needs to figure it out for himself, that he was being unreasonable and that he can't even remember what HAPPENED the night before because he took 5 prescription pain pills (normal dose is 1/2 a pill) "hoping I wouldn't ever wake up".

WTF?!?!?!?!??!

This afternoon his boss and friend sent him home sick from work (sick as a dog coughing and hacking). He's been passed out on the couch sick for the last 5 hours.

I'm devastated.
I'm pissed.
I'm astounded.

I don't even know what to SAY.
I could try to get him put in the hospital-but they won't admit him unless he's willing-(have some experience as my parents work in that field up here).
He won't go willing-so that is a waste of energy on my part.

WTF.

(that's mostly rhetorical)

When he came home-he asked me if he could have a few days to get well before dealing with anything. So... I'm sitting here.
I can't argue that trying to deal with stuff when he's so ill is unreasonable.
At the same time-HOLY FUCK!

Unfortunately there is no "getting over" the lying thing. It stays in your head and comes back to bite when you least expect it. Apologies are only a starting point. When my husband asked what he could do, I had to say "NOTHING, there is nothing you can do other than spend the rest of our marriage NOT lying to me. I will never forget and will always have some doubt.", likely how he feels about learning about your affair. It can lessen with time, but the doubt is always there and if we allow it can eat us alive. While the irrational back and forth can be attributed in some part to the OD on pain meds and lack of sleep, it will be easier to work through when rational minds prevail.