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Saturday, July 31, 2010

This is a photo of Doc and Kevin taken at Chautauqua Gorge in April 2000. I have always loved this photo because it is Kevin at his best and you can see the love these two had for each other. Doc was so proud carrying his own backpack, too.

I do have to say something though, hoping that whomever reads this takes note and thinks before they say or do this. It isn't fair and is very sad when it happens. It has happened to my dad and now to Kevin, too.

A friend of ours wife came to see Kevin a week ago or so and made the comment that she was upset with her husband because he didn't tell her how bad Kevin was. Okay, that's understandable. But, what she said next is not. She said she wished she hadn't seen him because she wanted to remember him when he was well.

Excuse me! Your memory suddenly goes defunct all of a sudden because you see someone ill? What this women in essence really is saying is that it hurts HER too much to see Kevin sick. I don't really care about HER feelings. By staying away from friends that are sick because YOU don't want to feel bad has got to be the most selfish, self serving thing I have ever heard or seen. Isn't part of being a friend to be there even during the tough times? I have heard the phrase :"fair weather friends" and it seems that many of Kevin's friends, and mine too, were or are that.

Well people, the storms are raging so go home and cocoon in your little bubble of comfort. We, on the other hand are facing the thunder and lightning and yes...raging back!

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Well, Kevin and I finally have some help! His doctor made arrangements for Hospice to come in and help us. It was very sad and hard to accept this. In fact, on Monday when the woman was supposed to come, I cancelled it because I felt sick to my stomach. I realize now that I was simply trying to postpone having to deal with it. I usually deal with things head on, but this time I just couldn't. Lynn Austin was the initial contact and she was very kind and understanding of what I did and the heartbreak I felt. She told me it was not unusual to do this. Naturally, me being myself, I felt guilty about it but she comforted me and let me know I was not alone in my reaction.

I think watching someone you love in pain has to be the hardest thing a person has to do. My Dad is also going though major life changes and now has had to accept that he is going to lose his other leg. I am very proud of my Mom and how she is handling this. And my Dad, too. I can't imagine coping with that but you do what you have to do to stay alive. Life will be different, but there will still be life!

Kevin and I have often discussed quality of life issues. He, for one, would not be able to make the decisions that my father has had to. I know that Kevin would choose death over amputation and that is each person's individual choice. Myself...I'm pretty sure I would fight to live like my dad is. Plus, he'll have a cool motorized chair to buzz around the neighborhood in! I know that my father will make the absolute best of what he has been dealt and so will my mom.

People have often said that I am a strong person. Well, who do you think I got it from? My mother and father.

I am still having difficulties with our decision. Hospice made arrangements for some items that will help Kevin and to be honest, I did not react well to them yesterday. For one thing, they showed up without calling and luckily Sandy was here while I was at work. I know they are things that we will need down the road but it pissed me off. But, as I tell myself-this isn't about me is it? So shut up and buck up.

Oh yes, I smack myself around on a regular basis. I guess I figure it's better I do it than wait for someone else to. Brilliant theory, I know.

Monday, July 26, 2010

I am very sorry that I haven't kept up with this. I had all good intentions for this blog. I wanted to keep Chalan aware of what was happening in our woods and also for friends and family if they were interested. But, life being itself....

Kevin spent some time in the hospital and at Heritage for PT. He seemed to be getting better, so after 20 days (the magic number when Medicare won't pay 100%) he was released. It has been a battle day to day ever since.

I started a new job recently and my boss Tim is very understanding and supportive of our situation. His wife, Sarah, is a nurse so she also understands and empathizes.

It's very hard and very sad. Some days I am just a hollow shell and wonder how long I can keep trying. Good thing I'm stubborn I guess!

I try to tell myself tomorrow is a new day with new opportunities. Not every day is sad, and there are good days when the hope is still alive and vibrant. I cherish those days and if willing it can make it happen, there will be many more!