How Do You Know She Is A Witch?

How Do You Know She Is A Witch?

Adrienne BoettingerFriday,28 March 2014

The Snap:

Thank heavens for the state legislatures of Kansas, Michigan and Texas! What with women’s Fallopian tubes clogging up our thinking, we had no idea what we should do. We were lost and rudderless. Also penis-less which is the root of the issue. As we all know, women need men to make decisions for us. What with having our periods and always bursting into tears, we have very little time to understand how evil science is and how we have no rights to our own bodies. Thankfully we have several stalwart members of the penised population — as well as some women who seem to have had lobotomies — to do our thinking for us!

The Download:

As we close out women’s history month, dark days are upon us, my friends, and by dark days I mean we’re hurtling back in time to the Dark Ages when women were burned for being different and science was evil. In fact, there is a new movement to require scientists to register in a federal database and purchase insurance so that when dumb people run the scientists over with their cars, the scientists’ insurance will cover any auto body repair work.

Speaking of insurance, women just better move the hell out of Michigan since its state legislature has banned coverage for abortion in private health plans. Even if your pregnancy is the result of rape or incest, unless you’ve bought additional insurance you are SOL. So plan ahead, ladies. You already know if you’re going to be raped; the signs that you are asking for it are that you drink, leave the house or dress in anything other than a full body cast. There’s no other way to stop rape according to some esteemed judges in this country who believe male rapists are not responsible for their actions.

While we’re discussing where women shouldn’t live, avoid Kansas and Texas. Both have declared war on Planned Parenthood and women’s health in general. In Kansas, legislators (including a female one!) want to mandate that all doctors report miscarriages. Now that might sound like an odd thing to get pissed about until you look at other states pushing laws just shy of making miscarriage a crime.

Let’s not forget it looks like more than a few Supremes are thinking a craft store gets to have religious rights that endanger the health of women. Women should not need to be on birth control since as Professor Huckabee noted, all we need to learn is how to control our libidos. That’s right, ladies! The power is in your hands…to tell your men to try out their own hands if they want sexual intercourse.

Hobby Lobby lawyers, and even some Supremes, are ignoring science when they say certain FDA-approved birth control products cause abortions. That is scientifically untrue or, as we called untruthful statements in Catholic school, lies. When in the name of all that is not shittastic did America turn into a country where things proven scientifically untrue are given the same weight as actual science? When did we decide that basically any sexual assault is the fault of the victim? And finally when did we decide that a handful of dickheads who have no chance of becoming pregnant get to decide what women can and can’t do with our bodies?