I watched 24 episodes of Pacific Blue in a row.

This ran in Maxim last month (hooray! I’m in print! Boo! I’m in a dying medium.) but we clipped it down to more of a timeline. As a reward for enduring this surprisingly harmless and not-terribly-stupid-but-yeah-kinda-dorky-yet-charming show, they plopped me down the next month in front of the first season of Game of Thrones. I’ve never been much for sword and sorcery, but since everyone on the planet is screaming about how good it is, I was excited to be blobbing out to it for one solid day, and it was literally and figuratively fantastic.

Can you imagine the person who needs to own 101 episodes of Pacific Blue? This is a show that ran the five years of adolescence that I most needed to see sexy beach crime, and I’ve still never heard of it. The complete series box set has the same production quality as a disc of your niece’s bat mitzvah, but with less chance of ever being played. My only goal is to survive long enough to see Adam West’s appearance.

Season 1, Episode 1: Pilot

Darlene Vogel is dressed as a milk carton and chasing a guy with awful hair. I’d better grab a bottle.

Why yes, that is Mickey Dolenz playing Mayor Mickey Dolenz.

Season 1, Episode 2: First Shoot

Oh Jesus, it’s Basic Cable’s Black People™, conversing in rap.

Season 1, Episode 3: No Man’s Land

Most of this show is cops pedaling furiously but arriving too late. I believe I must drink.

Season 1, Episode 4: Over the Edge

Lem from The Shield is part of a Point Break gang who pit their bikes against armored cars. Yes, I said that.

Ringleader, gazing down a hill. “We call this one ‘The Hill.’ ”

A cop just crashed through a truck’s windshield, and the truck lost. I hate you, world.

Season 1, Episode 5: Out of the Past

90% of crime is committed by bicyclists and skaters, yet the cops still can’t catch them.

This episode is about bikini girls beating up douchebags and mimes. Or maybe I dozed through one. Either way, I see crooks on bikes. There is no hell nor heaven, no world beyond our senses. All is the work of a trickster god. Pacific Blue is the only truth: perfect and formless, without beginning or end. Behold! I have become immortal! I amPacific Blue!