collection of things,sayings,jokes,pictures and things that amuse me and music that appeals to me

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

340

Tango and Soccer

thanks Toni

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I was talking to a friend of mine about the World Cup.

He looked at me in all seriousness and told me,

"I keep turning on ESPN to watch the Vuvuzela concerts,

but some dudes keep playing soccer."--------------------

thanks Toni

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A newscaster interrupted scheduled programming

to announce the outcome of a political election.

"More on candidates at 10 P.M.," he said.

My ten-year-old granddaughter Ashley looked at me in disbelief.

"I didn't know they could call politicians 'morons' on national television!" she remarked.

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Canadian Beer Ads

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Lunch

Jill meets Nadine for lunch..

"You're looking very tired today, Nadine. Did you have a late night?"

"Yes," replies Nadine, "but it was all very strange.

While doing some gardening yesterday, I found a lamp,

so I rubbed it and out popped a genie.

He gave me a choice of two wishes."

"Wow," says Jill, "so what were the choices he gave you, Nadine?"

"He said he could either give me an excellent, sharp, 100% memory

or else he could give my boyfriend a bigger penis."

"So tell me already, Nadine, what did you choose?"

"I can't remember," replies Nadine.

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Those funny animals

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Talented Kids

thanks Hank and Marj----

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An art collector is walking through the city

when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway

of a store and he does a double take.

He knows that the saucer is very valuable,

so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The store owner replies, “I’m sorry, but the cat isn’t for sale.”

The collector says, “Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice.

I’ll pay you twenty dollars for that cat.”

And the owner says “Sold”, and hands over the cat.

The collector continues,

“Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer.

The cat’s used to it and it’ll save me from having to get a dish.”

And the owner says,

“Sorry buddy, but that’s my lucky saucer.

So far this week I’ve sold sixty-eight cats.”

stolen from Slavenka and Obi

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Muppets

stolen from Miss Cellania

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Seniors

thanks for the pictures Don H

are they friends of yours?

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Will have to get one of these

thanks Liz Z

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thanks Toni

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The chief of a poor Native American tribe,

where there were no paved roads, no electricity,

and no indoor plumbing, scrimped and saved

and finally was able to send his eldest son to college.

The lad did well, working hard for four years

and finally graduating with a bachelor’s degree in electrical engineering.Arriving home after graduation,

the boy was treated to a welcoming party,

complete with plenty of refreshments.

Shortly after he retired to sleep, the son was awakened by a call of nature.

Exiting the hut, he proceeded down the road to the outhouse,

only to stumble and fall because of the lack of lights.The next day, the son decided to put his education to work.

He sat down, did the calculations,

and prepared construction drawings for a lighting system for the outhouse,

complete with lights for the path leading to it.

It was constructed and was an immediate success.

This chief’s son will go down in history as the

first Indian to wire a head for a reservation.

stolen from Archies Archives

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Blast from the Past

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Doing Time

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A new doctor had arrived in town.

He could cure anything and anybody.

Everyone was amazed with what he could do -

everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this 'miracle doctor'

to prove that he wasn't anybody special.

When it was time for his appointment he told the doctor,

"Hey, doc, I've lost my sense of taste.

I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin' to do?"The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little,

then told Mr. Thompson,

"What you need is jar number 47."So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it,

and told Mr. Thompson to taste it.

He tasted it and immediately spit it out,

"This is gross!" he yelled.

"Looks like I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson," said the doctor.

So Mr. Thompson went home.... very mad.One month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to the doctor

and try once again to expose him as a fake, by complaining of a new problem.

"Doc," he started, "I can't remember anything!"

Thinking he had the doctor stumped now,

he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a little,

and told Mr. Thompson,

"What you need is jar number 47, it's......"But before the doctor could finish his sentence,

Mr. Thompson was cured and fled the room

thanks Toni

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Some Funny Signs

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Jose and Carlos are both beggars.

They beg in different areas of town.Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose,

but only collects about eight or nine dollars a day.Every day, Jose brings home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills.

He drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house,

and has lots of cash to spend."Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose

, "I work just as long and hard as you do,

so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day?"Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"Carlos' sign reads:I have no work, a wife and six kids to support."What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him."No wonder you only get eight or nine dollars a day!"Carlos says, "Alright, so what does your sign say?"Jose's sign reads:I only need ten dollars to get back to Mexico

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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

Thats all folks but I leave you with this

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Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this siteare understood to be in the public domain.If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.