SCENE 1The Kitchen

[AB is sitting at the table, with books and papers] As I've been researching
subjects for my new book regarding culinary terminology misnomers,
misunderstandings, and misuses, I've come across many curious cases of
food-related words whose connotations have been contaminated, either through
cultural misappropriation or etymological foul play.

Now so far, I have to say that the single most messed up term I've come across
is the word "curry". Now I've reviewed several hundred lines from a dozen
different dictionaries, and it would indeed seem that the word "curry" comes
from the ancient Tamil language and the word "kari," meaning a sauce or relish
designed for service over rice.

Curry

Now the modern definition is given as, and I quote, "a preparation of meat,
fish, fruit, or vegetables, cooked with a quantity of bruised spices, and used
as a relish or flavoring especially for dishes composed of or served with rice."
How very, completely, utterly, non-specific. Certainly not the kind of
descriptor that I'd apply to anything that I would call ...

[Good Eats Theme]

SCENE 2The Kitchen

GUESTS: Bob

Compounding our conundrum is the fact that the word "curry" is rarely, if ever,
used in India. Don't believe me? Come here. [takes a credit card out of his
wallet, moves to the phone, and dials] I've got connections.

BOB: Customer service. This is Bob. May I have your account number, please.

Bob speaking from New Delhi

AB: Well, hi, Bob, this is Alton calling. Say, where do you go for good curry?B: I'm sorry?AB: Curry, around Delhi, where do you go for good curry?B:[sighs] That is so typical of Americans. You assume that because I am
Indian that I am eating a curry.AB: Oh, come on, Bob. I'm going to be in your neck of the woods next month and
want to know where I can go, you know, for some decent curry.B: No self-respecting Indian would ever eat anything by that name. Perhaps you
should visit London instead.AB: Where is that? Is that in town or down south some place?B: It is in England, Mr. Alton. Now goodbye. [hangs up]AB: Well thank you for your help, Bob. Nice talking to you.

Funny that he mentions England, for it is there that the modern concept of
curry, such as it is, was born. That concept can be summed up by two words ...

SCENE 3London Restaurant

... chicken tikka. The unofficial national dish of England. Some 20 million tikka
servings are gobbled down each year here. Most of them at one of London's 4,000
curry houses. Now tikka actually means "bits" or "pieces" in the Tamil language.
And here
those pieces are served over rice and then blanketed in a sauce, or "kari,"
saturated with a spice blend known everywhere as curry powder. Everywhere, of
course, but in India, where they've actually never heard of the stuff.

SCENE 4The Kitchen

[outside the window] To understand how curry powder happened,
we must journey back to the 13th century, when Arab traders and Venetian
merchants controlled the flow of spices from Asia to Europe. And, of course,
they controlled the prices, which were often so high that India black pepper was
worth its weight in gold.

TRADERS:[Arabs pass a small bag of pepper
to the Europeans who pass back a large bag of gold. The Arabs whoop it up while
the Europeans are dismayed]

Now this was a pretty sweet deal for the Arabs and the
Venetians, but not so much for the big spice consumers, such as Holland and
England, Portugal, and Spain. Who became so enraged, that they finally decided to
just set sail across the open ocean to find a water route to India, and
hopefully, cheaper spices.
Now for various reasons, most of them did not make it. But
thanks to a particularly brilliant navigator named Vasco da Gama, the Portuguese
did manage to land in northeastern India and establish trade with the local
rulers.

VASCO DE GAMA: [stands up and makes a deal
with an Indian wearing a customer service headphone set. They exchange spices
for money]

Now by 1600, the British East India Company, having been
soundly spanked by the Dutch East India Company in the spice islands, decided to
turn their cannons on Portugal and relieve them of India. And by 1612 they had
done just that.

[a Dutchman slaps a Sir Thomas Roe who in turn
"sails" over to India and shoots Vasco de Gama]

By 1618, Sir Thomas Roe was serving as the new English
ambassador to the mogul Emperor Jahangir.

SIR THOMAS ROE:[is working out a deal
with Emperor Jahangir]

Now he kept copious records of his
work there. He was especially good of noting the meals that he enjoyed. As it
turns out, the kaleidoscopic flavors of the subcontinent blew the old boy's meat
and potatoes palate right out of the water.
Now the English eventually annexed all of India from 1857 to
1947. And each and every businessman, soldier, merchant, bureaucrat, and royal
who made the trek returned to England with a serious Jones for Indian flavors.
Now since they didn't have Indian skills, ingredients, or cookware, the best
they could do was smother everything with a gravy, or "kari," packed with ground
spices, which were eventually mixed and sold as curry powder. And thus, an
entire multi-faceted culture was reduced to a dust. How very modern.

[back at the table with books and papers] Okay, just because
this word [curry], and by extension, this product [curry powder], don't actually exist in
India, spice mixtures do. But they're always assembled from freshly toasted
spices. And they're highly specialized, depending on the dish in which they are
to be employed.

CURRY

CURRY POWDER

Now the word for such a mixture is masala, which means, oddly enough,
"mixture." Now, masalas can be either wet or dry. The wet versions, or curry
pastes, are going to have to wait for their
own episode, because we're going to
concentrate here on dry masalas. And in particular, the most famous masala of
them all, garam masala. All right, garam means "warming" in Hindi, so "garam
masala", "warming mixture". And it serves as a flavor primer for a great many
dishes. And I say primer because it rarely appears alone, but rather as the
foundation for additional spices.

MASALA

WET MASALA
DRY MASALA
GARAM MASALA

Now spice merchants typically offer their own unique takes on garam masala, but
by and large, this is a mixture most often concocted at home.[at the cupboard] Like a good Indian cook, I keep everything that I need to make
garam masala here in kit form, where small open tins are nestled inside a larger
vessel. By keeping such a kit, I always have garams at hand. And I can easily
monitor the necessary supplies. And please note that all are kept in their
unground form for maximum shelf life and maximum flavor.

Whole spices stored in an airtight container in a cool,
dark, dry place will
keep for several years.

SCENE 5The Kitchen

Now before grinding spices that are destined for a masala, I always want to
toast them first, okay. Heat activates the essential oils inside the spices,
rendering them more volatile, and therefore, more effective. You can think of
heat kind of like having a good preamp on your stereo, okay? Now even-heat
is absolutely key, so I always reach for an eight-inch cast-iron skillet for
this job. This goes over medium-high heat.

Now the actual garam
masala mixture could not be more simple: two tablespoons each of cardamom seeds—not the pods, but the seeds—coriander, these are the seeds that cilantro grow
out of. And black peppercorns. I prefer the ones from Tellicherry, named after
the southwestern port of the same name. There.

Now one tablespoon each of cumin and brown mustard. Kind of stir that in as you
go. And we're going to need 20 cloves, by count. Of course, if you don't want to
count that high, just go a little bit more than a teaspoon. There, that's good.
One stick of cinnamon, about two and a half inches long, broken in half. And for
heat, one arbol chili. These are fiery customers, and I advise that you remove
the stem and the seeds before crumbling the rest into the pan. There.

Now just stir, and continue to cook for three to four minutes, or until the
entire kitchen smells like an Indian restaurant. There. Now let those cool for
five minutes.

Meanwhile, grate yourself one teaspoon of nutmeg. And yes, I
always keep one of these around. When the spices are cool, move them into your
favorite spice mill. Yes, I know it's just a coffee grinder, but I keep this one
just for spices. Very efficient tool. Just process for about a minute until you
have a fine powder. There. Then you can add the nutmeg. Process again just to
combine. There we go.

1 tsp. Freshly Grated Nutmeg

Wow. Smell that. Isn't it just ... Oh, I'm sorry. You can't. Well believe me, it
smells good. But that's bad, molecularly speaking, because it means that all
those great volatile compounds are just disappearing up into the air. Now we
could seal this in air-tight containment, stash it in a place for maybe a month
if it's dark and dry and cool. But what we really ought to do is use it. Let's
consider some options.

Say you had a one-gallon zip-top bag inside some container that can hold a
one-gallon zip-top bag, and let's say you added one tablespoon of our freshly
made garam masala to that, as well as half a teaspoon each of toasted and ground
cumin seed and coriander seed. Then one teaspoon of kosher salt goes in. There
we go. And
we'll also need some black pepper. Just eyeball one half teaspoons worth. Shake
to combine.

Then meat. Now I really like lamb for my tikka. So
one and a half pounds of cubed lamb leg. The sirloin end if at all
possible. You can ask your butcher for that if you don't see it at the
counter.

1½ Pounds Lamb Leg Sirloin,
Cubed

Seal, give it a shake, put it back into the
container, reopen, and then add dairy. In this case, we'll go with one
cup of plain whole milk yogurt. Do not use the low-fat stuff here, kids.
We need that fat.

1 Cup Plain Whole Milk
Yogurt

[at the refrigerator] Once the spices, yogurt, and meat are thoroughly mixed,
re-seal the bag and refrigerate for a minimum of 30 minutes and up to a couple
of hours.
Now it's important to note that yogurt is the number one dairy food of India.
Especially prevalent in the cuisines of the southern states where it appears in
pretty much, well, every meal. Often in the form of a thick paste, which serves
as a marinade, then an insulator during cooking, and finally as part of the
sauce, which is exactly what we are up to here today. Although the final flavor
of this tikka will indeed come from this spa treatment, as it is, we must not
discount the impact of the cooking device most associated with tikkas in their
homeland. Mainly ...

SCENE 6[Cafe Bombay]

... the tandoor. Now tandoor basically
means "oven," and tandoori refers to
foods that are cooked in a tandoor.

Now although its exact cultural origins are a little shaky, this vertical
earthen oven rose to prominence in modern-day Punjab in Northern India, possibly
by way of the Middle East and Northern Africa, where similar ovens were used to
bake bread for workers toiling on the pyramids. The device itself is cunningly
simple. Air enters the bottom of the oven, feeds the open charcoal fire, which
in turn loads the ceramic material with an excess of 800 degrees worth of heat.
The tapered top creates what engineers refer to as a venturi, focusing the
convective heat. In essence, the tandoor is a great big clay jet engine for
cooking food.
Now flat breads, as we see, are typically just slapped right onto the interior
walls to bake. But meats cooked in the tandoor go on large skewers. And just
about anything can go in here.
Now the high heat, especially when it mingles with a yogurt-based marinade,
creates a very, very distinct flavor that is regrettably difficult to replicate
in the home environment.

"Tandoor" comes from the Persian word
tannur, which derives from the Babylonian
word tinuru, based on the Semitic word nar, meaning fire.

SCENE 7Backyard

[AB is grilling] Well since we don't have a tandoor, we'll have to go with the
highest heat that we can possibly manage in the residential environment, which
would be a grill on high. It's a lot of charcoal ... [waves his hand over the
coals] Ow! ... and it is really hot. You know, it's a shame we don't have a, uh ...
[thinks to himself] Wait a second. If we just ... Wait, wait. Wait right there.
If you had a large terra cotta pot that was unglazed and free of cracks or
blemishes, you could, if you wanted to, grab yourself a ruler and a pencil, and
make a line about one inch down from the bottom, thusly. There, that's fine.
Don't get too dizzy.
Then if you had a hacksaw with a masonry blade, you could just cut the bottom of
the pot off. There, that's pretty easy.[10 minutes later, AB has not made much progress] All right, but I'm not
exactly known for my patience. And besides, I've got, well, some eye protection,
which is what I'm going to put on first. And then I'll fetch up my angled
grinder with a masonry blade. Hah hah hah. Available at your local hardware
store. And with this, you can do the entire job in about, oh, I don't know, 130
seconds. There. Nice clean cut. Well done.
Of course, we wouldn't want this thing to crack when it goes on the heat. So how
about an eight to twelve hour soak in just plain old water. Then we'll remove it
and allow that to just dry, off to the side for, I don't know, about an hour.

Meantime, the fire. I'm going to spritz down the financial section with a little
vegetable oil. Shove that underneath my charcoal lighter, and pile in one pound,
exactly, of natural chunk charcoal. Fire it up. The oil will help the paper burn
longer. And when we have nice, hot coals, we will don our fire protection
gloves. That's nice. There you go. Just dump that right down into the middle of
the grill, and place the pot thusly. Who said we don't have a tandoor? Hah hah
hah hah!
Now we're going to let that sit and slowly warm so that it won't crack: ten
minutes I would say.

1st Batch
1 Pound All Natural Lump
Charcoal

In the meantime, a 12-inch skillet goes down over
medium-high heat. We'll add a quarter of a cup of vegetable oil, and allow that
to heat almost until it smokes. Then one large onion, chopped, will go in, along
with another teaspoon of kosher salt. Alright, there. Now what we want to do is
to let these really brown until the onions are almost chocolate looking
right around the edges. It'll take about 12 minutes.

¼ Cup Vegetable Oil

1 Large Onion, Chopped
1 tsp. Kosher Salt

In the
meantime, we'll add another pound of charcoal to our tandoor, and set it for
another ten minutes.

2nd Batch
1 Pound All Natural Lump
Charcoal

Now onto the prep. I'm going to wrap my ginger grater with a little plastic
wrap. Why? Because I need a tablespoon of ginger, and this is a much easier way
of getting it. [lifts the plastic wrap, and the grated ginger] There, look at
this. This is like, my favorite kitchen trick. Hah hah. Now I don't have to wash
anything.
All right, we also need to mince a serrano chili. I like gloves for this because
this stuff's pretty potent. Just split it right down the middle, very carefully.
And then remove as much of that inner membrane and the seeds as you possibly
can, because they've got a lot of heat, but not a whole lot flavor. So I just
want that outer portion of the meat. Just carefully cut through that. Watch the
fingers. There. And then you can slice it into juliennes, and then cross-cut
that into what we call brunoise. Very nice.

Reduce the heat to medium-low and add four cloves of garlic, minced, to the pan.
I figured you knew how to do that. Along with the ginger and the serrano chilies.
Just stir that, and continue to cook for about seven minutes or until brown.

In
the meantime, we'll add yet another pound of charcoal to the tandoor and set for
another ten minutes.

3rd Batch
1 Pound All Natural Lump
Charcoal

[back at the pan with the onions] There. Now that's what we're looking for out
of the aromatics. Okay, at this point, stir in another tablespoon of your garam
masala. Now by adding some of this to the sauce, which is going to cook at a
relatively low temperature, and to the meat, which is going to cook at a very
very high temperature, you will bring out all of the different dimensions that
the masala has to offer. It's a very Indian cuisine thing to do. While you're at
it, 28 ounces of diced tomatoes go into the pan. There's going to be a little
steam. Just cook this down until it thickens, about 20 minutes. Which is plenty
of time to do some skewering.

1 Tbs. Garam Masala

28 Ounces Can Diced
Tomatoes

When choosing skewers for even a small tandoor such as ours, one must consider
how skewers cook in a tandoor, which is like this. See, they fit down into the
oven.
Now if our tandoor were actually the size of this bongo, I'd say that these
standard issue skewers would give us room to spare. But our tandoor is
approximately 8.6 times larger. So we need to super-size our skewers. Check it
out. Three sixteenths of an inch wide, 27 inches long, nickel plated steel.
These are super skewers, kids. [noticing that they look similar to car dipsticks] And I'd say you're about a quart low. They're excellent
for performing tandoor chores, or for general grilling, or repelling the
occasional home invader.

While wooden or bamboo skewers are fine for the grill,
don't use them in your
tandoor, lest they be reduced to ashes.

SCENE 8The Backyard

All right, ten minutes is up. It is time to make one final deposit of charcoal
into the tandoor. One pound, please.

4th Batch
1 Pound All Natural Lump
Charcoal

SCENE 9The Kitchen

[indoors, at the refrigerator] Well, the time has come to lance our lamb, ?But of
course, yogurt-covered things can be kind of icky to worth with. So you may want
to don some disposable examination gloves, available at your local drug store.
Before I skewer up, I also grab myself some dried pasta. Just something short
and wide. Rigatoni for instance. Perfect. I'll show you why in a minute.
Now just empty everything out of the bag onto a pan, a sheet pan, or cookie
sheet. And make sure you get all of the marinade as well. All right, we are
ready to skewer. [brandishing the skewer] And I have to tell you, if you have
your Good Eats 3-D glasses, now would be the time to put them on. [pokes at the
screen as if an exceptional 3D effect were being performed] Yeah, pretty
sweet, huh?
All right, down to business. We want to have maximum meat-skewer contact. So
each time you grab a piece of meat, try to go through the longest portion, okay?
So just kind of hold it like this, and literally feed it onto the skewer so
that you've got something that looks like that. And make sure that, you know,
your hand isn't part of the equation, okay?
Next, a spacer. That means a piece of pasta. This will prevent the meat from
getting all squished up on itself and it will cook more evenly this way. It's
not absolutely required, but I find it's a nice, handy helper. Pretty clever.

SCENE 10Kitchen at Night

You know, every year I wait for the Nobel Prize Committee to call. [cut to AB in pajamas waiting for an early morning phone call] So far, nope.
No luck, yet.

SCENE 11
The
Kitchen

[back to skewering] There. Now we're going to have about six to seven pieces on
each skewer. I'm looking to get all of this onto four, just like that.

SCENE 12The Backyard

[at the grill] All right, the time is up. And we're going to take the
temperature of the tandoor. And look at that, 835 whopping degrees! We are good
to go. Just basically poke those skewers right down into the heat. Don't worry,
the venturi created at the top will make sure that the pieces near the handles
cook properly. Keep them moving every minute or so until you have a good
doneness. With a fire like this, we're probably talking about two and a half
minutes of total cooking time. Yes, the bottom pieces will be a little bit
charred, but that will add to the overall flavor in the end. There.

Remove them from the skewers, place in the pan, and then just plop the pan right
down on top of the tandoor. A little extra salt to correct for seasoning, and
then we're going to add coconut milk, one cup to finish the sauce. And just stir
that in. Very nice.

1 Cup Coconut Milk

SCENE 13
The
Kitchen

[at the table] Serve atop long grain, basmati, or jasmine rice with mint or
cilantro. And the way I would deal with that mint is to stack up nine or ten
leaves like this and just roll it up like that, and then use a very sharp knife
to cut into ribbons. This is called chiffonade. It's a little tougher to do
with cilantro, but you can manage. Me, I like the mint better. There, perfect.
It is only now that our tikka has become, technically, a kari. Now although I
prefer lamb, nearly any meat can be a tikka target, including chicken. Boned
thighs take especially well to the method.
Well, as I'm sure you can see, with your garam masala kit in hand, true Indian
flavors are always nearby. Of course, building a true Indian pantry will take
some time and several more episodes of Good Eats. But at least you know
there's one thing you can live without. [shows grocery bought curry powder]
See you next time.

SCENE 14Kitchen at Night

[AB continues to sit in his pajamas, fidgeting a bit, waiting for a call from
the Nobel Prize Committee, as crickets chirp]