Sometimes I feel like I must be that old woman who lived in a shoe who had so many children she didn't know what to do...then I ponder the rest of that nursery rhyme and say..."Nope, not today...these children are my life, my gift, my blessing." This blog is about our family...happy times, sad times and everything in between.

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Thursday, May 2, 2013

Fear Not!

A lifetime ago I was a huge Cranberries fan; the Celtic folk rock tunes of Delores O'Riordan and crew soothed my soul and stirred my inner artist. One song in-particular grabbed me. Dreams - Cranberries
Click and listen if you like...I've got you singing along now...don't I; nothing like a little trek down memory lane. ;)

A while back I was spinning the ole' dial and this tune caught my ear. In
seconds I was belting it out - even all the …Ah, la da ah...La’s. In my mind I
was cruising the roads (in a convertible, no doubt), hair blowing in the wind,
not a care in the world. Feel good music that song is; funny how music transports
us so quickly to another time...another place...another
perspective.

One line reverberated through my mind for days; "Now I tell you openly
you have my heart so don't hurt me..." That one line...such raw
transparency...such vulnerability elicited a pretty powerful emotional response
from deep within.

From an early age, the lens through which I viewed myself and the world
around me was smudged with rejection (both real and perceived). Wearing smudged
glasses produces clouded vision…clouded vision is crippling.For years, I limped around perceiving
rejection at every turn…every decision informed by incorrect estimations…before
long I was in some deep shout-it-out; all kinds of self-destructive behaviors
dominated my life.My life was at best a
mess – at worst a complete failure.

But God (two of my favorite words), met me in my hurt; lifted me out the
miry clay; and let me know I was worth it to Him.Relinquishing my life to Him brought freedom
and hope.Over time, I grew in my
relationship with Him; yet relationally (with others) something was not quite
right…I found myself insecure, self-conscious and uptight.What was that all about?

Answers can be found just about anywhere. (Reminds me of a Grateful Dead
lyric…”Sometimes you get shown the light in the strangest of places if you look
at it right.” I digress…) Hearing, Dreams, with “older, wiser” ears
came sort of as an answer - “You have my heart so don’t hurt me…” it dawned on
me…this had been the cry of my soul most of my life. “Fearful” is not how I would have described
myself.Yet, suddenly I saw it so
clearly; my internalized hurt and rejection had morphed into fear…fear of
future hurt and rejection…fear of things that may or may not ever happen… leading to continual self-assessment...never quite comfortable with myself; never quite comfortable with others.

On a deeper level I was awakened to the reality that I was making that
same appeal to God – “Oh God, You have my heart…please don’t hurt me.”If you’ve ever experienced any sort of disappointment
or loss then you know what I am conveying here; anguish of soul; a deep longing
to know that our hearts are safe – that God is good and can be trusted with
everything – even in the hurt – even when life has been turned on its head.

Unknowingly, I was projecting onto God past hurts and rejections...fearing that He would respond likewise. Never would I have acknowledged that with my mouth, but as I considered my behavior that's exactly what I was doing. Blaise Pascal once wrote: "God made man in his own image and man returned the compliment." Ouch! My mind was divided, because my vision of God was clouded. I didn’t fully
trust His love; I feared that He was not really who He claimed to be. Out of fear
came the inclination to protect myself. Self-protection is an obstacle to
receiving love which keeps the cycle of fear spinning.

Yet, God’s word proclaims, “Perfect love
drives out fear.”It is His perfect love
that melts away fear. His love drew me in. I allowed His perfect love to fill me. Letting go of my own understanding and past experiences, I came to a
place of perfect rest and complete security.Ahhhh!

It wasn’t a one-time fix, though.All too often I forgo His love allowing fear to drive me…crazy.Yet, all it takes is one glance His way…hearing Him whisper the truth, “My love will take care of your fear; I love you, let Me love you” and all is right. He has my heart and I know He
won’t hurt it.My anxious heart is calmed.

Once again…I am cruising the freeway (in a convertible no doubt), hair
blowing in the wind, not a care in the world, song of praise on my lips…and in
the rear view mirror - seven passengers giggling.Ah, da, da da da, da, la...