Google once had to move out of a datacenter after Jeff Dean accidentally compressed the index so densely that a black hole was formed.

Anonymous

Commenting your code is like cleaning your bathroom — you never want to do it, but it really does create a more pleasant experience for you and your guests.

Ryan Campbell

Windows 95 /n./ 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

Anonymous

Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips."

Anonymous

Letting XP run for more than a month is like re-using a condom 50 or 60 times. Theoretically it can work, but is sick and ill advised.

Anonymous

Jeff Dean was forced to invent asynchronous APIs one day when he optimized a function so that it returned before it was invoked.

Anonymous

In googlis non est, ergo non est.

Anonymous

2 strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender,
"Bartender, I'll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACC~ErJ" The second string
says "Pardon my friend, he isn't NULL terminated."

Anonymous

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

Dennis Ritchie

Jeff Dean once failed a Turing test when he correctly identified the 203rd Fibonacci number in less than a second.

Anonymous

To err is human... to really foul up requires the root password.

Anonymous

Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance.

Confucius

Jeff Dean can get 1s out of /dev/zero.

Anonymous

Once, in early 2002, when the index servers went down, Jeff Dean answered user queries manually for two hours. Evals showed a quality improvement of 5 points.

Anonymous

Any fool can use a computer. Many do.

Anonymous

Jeff Dean's IDE doesn't do code analysis, it does code appreciation.

Anonymous

Programming is like sex, one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Anonymous

Jeff Dean proved that P=NP when he solved all NP problems in polynomial time on a whiteboard.

Anonymous

The speed of light in a vacuum used to be about 35 mph. Then Jeff Dean spent a weekend optimizing physics.

Anonymous

Only two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity and I'm not sure about the former.

Einstein

To iterate is human, to recurse divine.

L. Peter Deutsch

Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.

Anonymous

Jeff Dean wrote an O(n^2) algorithm once. It was for the Traveling Salesman Problem.

Anonymous

Jeff Dean was born on December 31, 1969 at 11:48 PM. It took him twelve minutes to implement his first time counter.

Anonymous

Jeff Dean's PIN is the last 4 digits of pi.

Anonymous

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Jef Raskin

Remember, even paranoids have real enemies.

Delmore Schwartz

Jeff Dean once implemented a web server in a single printf() call. Other engineers added thousands of lines of explanatory comments but still don't understand exactly how it works. Today that program is the front-end to Google Search.

Anonymous

gcc -O4 emails your code to Jeff Dean for a rewrite.

Anonymous

Java is the most distressing thing to hit computing since MS-DOS.

Alan Kay

Jeff Dean's code is so fast the assembly code needs three HALT opcodes to stop it.

Anonymous

PHP is a minor evil perpetrated and created by incompetent amateurs, whereas Perl is a great and insidious evil, perpetrated by skilled but perverted professionals.

Jon Ribbens

If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0

Anonymous

A C program is like a fast dance on a newly waxed dance floor by people carrying razors.

Waldi Ravens

Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy.

Joseph Campbell

How rare it is that maintaining someone else’s code is akin to entering a beautifully designed building, which you admire as you walk around and plan how to add a wing or do some redecorating. More often, maintaining someone else’s code is like being thrown headlong into a big pile of slimy, smelly garbage.

Bill Venners

If it's your job to eat a frog, it's best to do it first thing in the morning. And If it's your job to eat two frogs, it's best to eat the biggest one first.

Mark Twain

Linux is no OS. It's a core dump which boots by accident.

Anonymous

Macs are for those who don't want to know why their computer works.
Linux is for those who want to know why their computer works.
DOS is for those who want to know why their computer doesn't work.
Windows is for those who don't want to know why their computer doesn't work.

Anonymous

Jeff Dean invented MapReduce so he could sort his fan mail.

Anonymous

Jeff Dean simply walks into Mordor.

Anonymous

Relying on the Government to protect your privacy is like asking a peeping Tom to install your window blinds.

John Barlow

Jeff Dean invented Bigtable so that he would have a place to send his weekly snippets.

Anonymous

Perl – The only language that looks the same before and after RSA encryption.

Keith Bostik

I had a fortune cookie the other day and it said: 'Outlook not so good'. I said: 'Sure, but Microsoft ships it anyway'.

Anonymous

I am regularly asked what the average Internet user can do to ensure his security. My first answer is usually 'Nothing; you're screwed'.

Bruce Schneier

Program testing can be a very effective way to show the presence of bugs, but is hopelessly inadequate for showing their absence.

E. W. Dijkstra

Act in haste and repent at leisure; Code too soon and debug forever.

Raymond Kennington

Vim's preferred editor is Jeff Dean.

Anonymous

If Python is executable pseudocode, then perl is executable line noise.

Anonymous

When your code has undefined behavior, you get a seg fault and corrupted data. When Jeff Dean's code has undefined behavior, a unicorn rides in on a rainbow and gives everybody free ice cream.

Anonymous

Jeff Dean eschews both Emacs and VI. He types his code into zcat, because it's faster that way.

Anonymous

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

Anonymous

A good programmer is someone who always looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.