3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
The woman told her husband, "I'm like a fine wine or cheddar cheese...I'll get better with age."
=
He thought, deliberated the marriage, locked his wife down in the basement wine cellar.

Tony Crafter with:

“Life is real! Life is earnest!
And the grave is not its goal;
Dust thou art, to dust returnest,
Was not spoken of the soul.”

=

Life is nature! Nature's soul!
Vital; restless; passing;
And if its wonder thee forget,
Look out the door at that sunset!

Adie Pena with:
To earn a "Full House," I should devote my best work into each anagram I create. ~
But whose mean, irate ass do I carefully have to lick around here to get a nom? ;-)

Rosie Perera with:
Former South African President Nelson Mandela is to be removed from U.S. terrorism watch lists =
I'm for redress, for this most famous clever old man is no arms threat. I'd trust Nobel Peace winner!

Rosie Perera with:
THIS IS NOT A JOKE - CONGRATULATIONS YOU WON! You are the 4,405,164,898th visitor to see this lucky banner. Click here to claim.
=
Ha, ha! You jerk, you are so gullible! You think, "Attractive income...$98,864,144.50...a check is written!" Not close! In short: "It's not so!"

Christopher Sturdy with:
> The date of the opening ceremony of the Beijing Olympic Games > =
> Eight Eight Eight > Some plan if many enjoyed one perfect combo.

Rosie Perera with:
If John McCain is elected, he would be the oldest person inaugurated to a first term as President of the United States.=
He's just a sweet, decrepit old fart, I fear. This patient should be on medication, fed, entrusted to a select nursing home.

THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
As a courtesy to the next customer, may we suggest that you use your towel to wipe off the wash basin. Thank you.
=
To that fat guy by the exit: We must ask you not to use the WCs, as your unwelcome arse is way too huge for the pans!

2nd - Larry Brash with:
As a courtesy to the next customer, may we suggest that you use your towel to wipe off the wash basin. Thank you. =
Next, we want you to wipe the bowl that you use of any faeces marks you cause as they might gross others out. Tut!

3rd - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
As a courtesy to the next customer, may we suggest that you use your towel to wipe off the wash basin. Thank you. =
So as you may go when the potty feels extra wet, fussy woman, use without your buttocks area touching the seat

Rosie Perera with:
In case of turbulence woes way out at sea, shut up! We may throw oxygen masks at you. Get those to the youth first.

Christopher Sturdy with:
You are what you eat...
But piss on the seat;
You eat what you excrete!
Fucking gross, not sweet.

Dharam Khalsa with:
You, the obnoxious scouts, must not gawk at the US war amputees! Anyway, these lost feet carry the weight of you.

Meyran Kraus with:
"The meat's sour. Excuse us. We suggest that you eat some nuts.
...By the way, any of you know how to pilot the aircraft?"

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
When I went to lunch today, I noticed a little old lady sitting on a bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked what was the matter. She said, "I have a 25 year-old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, toast, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."

I said, "Well! Now, why are you crying?"

She said, "He does me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite brownies and then makes love to me all the afternoon.

I said, "Then, just why are you crying?"

She said, "For dinner he cooks me a gourmet meal with red wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2 a.m."

I said, "Well, why on earth would you be crying?"

She said, "I can't remember where I live!"=
Two elderly widows had been friends for many years. Over the years they had shared all kinds of adventures, reminiscences and hardships. But recently, their activities had diminished to meeting up once a week to play cards.

One day, they were commencing a game of whist when one woman looked at the other and said sheepishly, "Now look, don't get mad at me... we have been chums for a long time - some 52 years I believe - but no way can I think of your name! I've thought and I've thought, and it's useless - I just cannot remember. I know I am a dummy, but please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For a full 2 minutes she stared and glared. Finally she said, "How soon do you have to know?"
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Fear of Flying

A plane took off from an airport in New York and steadily climbed. After it had reached its comfortably high cruising altitude, the captain made a typical announcement out over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 93, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. I see the weather ahead is good and we should have a fairly smooth and uneventful flight. Now lean back and re..."

"OH MY GOD!" he yelled.
~
A shivery silence followed, a child bawled, and after a long time that seemed like forever, the captain came back over the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm so sorry if I frightened you earlier. During the time I was talking, Donna, a new on-board flight attendant, accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee on my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A grumpy man using the phone far away in row 39 groaned, "No, that's nothing. You should look at the back of mine!"

3rd - Adie Pena with:
The Musee du Louvre in Paris, France is one of the world's most visited art museums, a historic monument, and a national symbol. The collection has some 34 thousand priceless pieces.

On the Right Bank and between the Seine River and the Rue de Rivoli, the Louvre is slightly askew of a long architectural straightaway that cuts through the heart of Paris.

=

The merciless French villain passes the museum security, steals their 4 terrific art pieces, and gets to his van.

But he is captured 3 short corners away when he runs out of vital millilitres of value-added petrol.

How can one make a blatant, childish error?

"Monsieur, that is the reason. I had nothing Toulouse with no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

Ellie Dent with:
TIRED AND EMOTIONAL

Look, I had around eighteen gorgeous bottles of whisky I used to keep in the cellar. But then, she, my lovely other half Sheila, demanded I singlehandedly tip all these bottles down the sink. After careful thought I agreed, and so finally I carried out this mean, unusual assignment... a lone, thankless task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the entire contents down the sink, excepting the one glass, which I drank.

Then I withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did the same, with the exception of the one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from bottle no. three, and poured it down the sink, which I drank .

I pulled out the cork from the fourth one down the sink, and poured the bottle down the used glass, which I sank.=
I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink from the next glass, and poured the cork down the bottle. Then corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink, and drank the pour.

Once I'd emptied everything I could see, as I steadied the house with one hand, with the other I began to count up all withdrawn corks with bottles and glasses, for errors - which were thirteen odd - and as the houses came by, I withdrew, and counted again. Then finally, I'd all the houses collected together in a whisky bottle, which I drank.

I'm not under the affluence of incohol, as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Why do married women tend to be heavier set than single women?

A single woman gets home at nightfall, turns on the light and takes one look at what is in her fridge, and goes to bed.~
It seems to me, though, an average married woman (not the slim newlywed) gets into her aged flannel nightgown and robe, looks at what is in the bed, and hastens to look in the fridge.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Dr. Smith evaluates a patient for a respiratory problem, and the highly esteemed doctor asks his patient, "Which do you want first? Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news?"~
The patient responds, "I want to know only half the truth today, the good part."

Dr. Smith arches his eyebrows and proclaims, "We're about to go have this weird disease named after you."

Rosie Perera with:
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.=
A very sublime quote in the "Declaration of Independence of the Thirteen Colonies" that was written by the US "Fathers" -- A better paraphrase might be: "True attitude: we hate death, thrall, and really high sellers."

Dharam Khalsa with:
If total thermonuclear war were to shake the world, God forbid, and we saw mushroom clouds billowing (Pray it will never happen!),~
we would all be at work feverishly wording anagrams on the whole incident (albeit, harsh) from our laptop computers worldwide!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Two average patients, two different doctor's offices.

(Boy, if this doesn't hit the nail on the head, I don't know what does!)

Two patients limp into two different crowded New York medical centers sharing the same complaint. Both are having trouble with their gait whenever they walk and appear to require hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is weighed, examined, and has rigorous tests in an hour, gets x-rays the same day, and shows a time reserved for surgery at the clinic the following week.
~
The SECOND goes to the family doctor after waiting eight weeks in limbo for an appointment, then holds on for another eight or nine weeks for an orthopedic hip specialist. She winds up getting x-rays and a blood test, which are reviewed after a week, and is scheduled to have hip surgery after another month.

Why did two similar patients get this different treatment?

Why, the FIRST was a Labrador Retriever; the SECOND was a widow with no insurance!

Next time, please get me quickly to a vet!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Unusual menopausal jewelry

My husband mentioned he hated the burden of my extreme menopausal mood swings. Even had a birdbrain idea of purchasing me a fad mood ring for my birthday, with the hope he could learn my attitude by looking at my left hand!
~
My fond husband found that when I'm in a cheerful, happy mood, the mood ring turns a jade green.

But when I'm in a really bad mood, it leaves a large ugly red mark in the center of his forehead!

Do you suppose that maybe next time my husband will buy me a diamond?

Dharam Khalsa with:
Torrid Monday

A woman was innocently unwinding at a downtown bar on a hot (too hot) Monday after work, sitting and enjoying a cocktail with her thirsty girlfriends, when who should enter the door but a tall, tanned, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man. He was so uncommonly striking that the woman could not take her incredulous eyes off him.

The dashing, stylish playboy spied her attentive stare and walked toward her. Needless to say, the spellbound woman watched him too. Before she could offer apologies for rudely staring, he leaned over intimately and whispered, "Hello...
~
I'll do anything, any favor you want me to do, no matter what or how kinky, for twenty dollars. But, of course, there is one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked, "What is the condition?"

He replied, "You must tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

Acknowledging the extraordinary proposition, the woman thought for a moment, "Three words?" Then she slowly reached far inside her handbag and removed a twenty-dollar bill, and pressed it into the man's hand, along with her address.

She looked deeply into his fascinating eyes, and slowly and meaningfully exclaimed,

"Clean my house!"

Dharam Khalsa with:

Two nursing home residents agreed to a hasty romp in an available closet. They undressed. Having taken Viagra, the man was huge now, clearly ready to aim for some action. Both were delighted and about to make love, when the woman decided to warn the man of her heart condition.~
The grandmother wondered, "Did I already tell him?" The woman really did not want to alarm the poor man, so she tried to maintain her calm affect. She crooned, "I want you to know, I have acute angina."

The man answered, "Thank God, because you have the worst sagging boobs I've ever seen!

Rosie Perera with:
The debate rages on about capital punishment, what methods are OK (dispatch the old yet deedy idiot swiftly, yet no nasty torture).
~
Why don't they do it the way they did in Socrates' day? Force the inmates to take pentobarbital (the drug used to put animals to sleep).

Once upon a time, long ago and far away, a cat fell in love with a very handsome, good-looking young man, and pleaded with Venus to change her into a woman.

"I should've thought," said Venus, with some irritation, "you might make a trifling transformation like that, without having to bother me. Now cat, go thence... be a woman."

Afterwards, wanting to see if the change had been completed, Venus caused a mouse to appear, whereupon the woman shrieked, and cried, making such a spectacle of herself that the young man would not marry her.

********** =

THE TWO KINGS

The King of Madagao, being engaged in a dispute with the King of Bornegascar, wrote to him: "Before proceeding further in this matter, I demand the recall of your Minister from the Capital."

Enraged by this impossible demand, the King of Bornegascar replied: "I shall not recall my Minister. And moreover, if you do not immediately retract your demand, I shall withdraw him!"

This threat so terrified the King of Madagao, that in hastening to comply he fell over his own feet, thus breaking the Third Commandment.

********** =
THE FOOLISH WOMAN

A married woman, whose unfortunate young lover, a gentle Hawaiian, was planning to reform by running away, vowed to get her revenge: found a gun, then shot him in the head, dead.

"Oh, what d'you do that for, Ma'am?" asked a man of Law, sauntering past.

"Cause," replied the married woman, "in truth, he wasn't ever a gentleman, but a vile wicked cheat; uncouth, unethical. He had even purchased a ticket to... to Chicago."

"Oh heavens, sister," said a man of God, solemnly, "you cannot hope to attempt to stop the wicked from going to Chicago by killing them.

********** =

THE DISINTERESTED ARBITER

One summer morning, two stupid dogs which had been fighting, without advantage to either, to try to get their rascally paws on a magnificent bone, finally referred their difference to a common sheep.

This timid, mild, dim-looking animal heard them talk, then after a short time considering their argument, flung their bone forcibly into a pond. "Oh! Why?" asked the mortified dogs, grim, angry from shock.