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All of the nothing that I have become brings me to this place of resignation,
Such peaks and valleys as I sit, still … no movement you’d think I was in a state of stasis and yet and yet, my mind is in such a flurry.

I feel myself breaking apart, slowly wilting – it’s like spring and winter melded into one and it’s become a constant struggle for survival and I feel like it’s just out of reach, right there but I just can’t jump quite high enough and so I wither and fade.

It’s not in an obvious way, little pieces of me disappear into the abyss and I find it harder and harder to be present. I mean why? What difference does it make? Who the fuck am I? Is any one individual really relevant? If they were obliterated from the course of history how different would the world really be? But even more to the point how the fuck do I pay my rent?
It’s a little harder to find reason with that reality slapping you in the face.

Okay so the last year plus has been one of the most monumental struggles of my life, I haven’t worked and now I’m unemployed AND out of unemployment. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ve worked basically since I was 14 years old and I have NEVER been unemployed for this long. It’s rough out there boy!

In the meantime, I stopped paying for my WordPress site hoping I could generate some advertising and some traffic to my site, what ended up happening was that since it expired in (November?) until now I didn’t even know if it was up and running never mind the other stuff. I’ve just looked at how creative I was getting and how awesome it was and … it’s like well to be cliché I’m just a shadow of my former self.

The advantage of this place is I can really be me, no censoring in case I hurt someone’s feelings, no worrying about who’s reading it because there are only a select few of you and oh my gawd, I’m so grateful for you rare gems.

So I’m having a walk down memory lane … so much easier with YouTube and the like, remember this one?

I know Teddy’s all lovelorn and stuff but honestly this is how I feel about looking for a job right here.

Bet you don’t even know Millie Jackson – well now you do! Let’s see if I can break down the lyrics here for you after you get through the fart monologue which in and of itself is epic …

Here I am baby,
I’m waiting baby,
I’m here in the Lover’s Hotel,
I’m waiting baby
Watching the neon sign,
I’m waiting baby,
The L just went out the neon sign baby
Now I’m reading a sign that says over’s Hotel
But I’m still waiting baby
Now the S just went out baby,
It’s over Hotel
But I’m waiting baby,
I know you not gonna believe this baby but the tel just went out the Hotel
Are you turning out the lights baby?
Are you trying to tell me something baby?
‘cause I’m laying here waiting for you baby and now the light is flashing on and off
over ho, over ho, over ho
Are you trying to tell me it’s over ho?
I’m still waiting baby.
Got on my negligee, I bought it at Sears, Mr. Robart was still there when I bought it baby,
I’m still waiting baby,
I also bought you some shorts baby but I think the fruits have died on the loom,
And these grapes became California raisins
I’m still waiting baby,
Ahhh you made it baby,
I’ve been waiting baby
But since I’ve been waiting so long baby could you just wait five more minutes,
‘cause I’ve been thinking baby and I want to discuss something with you.

And then it breaks into “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow” and if you don’t know that song or it’s lyrics, hello YouTube, etc. get an edge-um-a-cation and shit.

Anyway, I am posting this rambling diatribe so I can feel like I dipped my toe in the water and work my way back to reality. PEACE! and I’m out *drops the mic.

As soon as I lost my job, I lost all desire to write or be creative (note last WordPress entry date). It’s like losing my job took away a huge part of me. I’ve started to go back to the gym, quit drinking and gone on anti-depressants and yet it seems the tiniest thing makes me cry and well basically I’m a wreck. I thought I would be okay, I thought I would at least get some bites in the fish pond. To date I have had one interview (turned down by them) and one phone call (salary too low, now wondering if I should have just sucked it up and taken it).

I did get a severance package and I am eligible for EI but that does nothing for your sense of well-being when you’ve pretty much worked full-time since you were 14. I collected student welfare once for three months in my youth, that’s about it. I’ve never collected EI. Which brings me to another point, why did they change it from Unemployment Insurance to Employment Insurance? Fact is, we’re unemployed when collecting it, did they think it would have a better ring to it? I think it’s now a misnomer. Why do government agencies think beautifying the terms will change anything. That guy is not wheel-chair bound, he’s crippled, any way you cut it, visually impaired – blind, why did mental retardation become a derogatory term, does it not denote exactly what it is, a retardation in development? Why are people so fucking hung up on labels and criticising each other that they are more concerned about terminology than important things like the thousands of Africans being killed? Anybody read up on genocide regularly?

Yeah, I didn’t think so. How about South Sudan, anyone following what’s going on over there?

Still hundreds more killed. But hey, let’s not focus on that, let’s focus on cyber bullying and the one or two kids (who probably had other psychological issues beyond the bullying) that committed suicide over this issue and make THAT a huge platform of importance in this country. What the fuck?!

So you see, I feel like a total dweeb for saying, oh poor me, I lost my job and because of that am finding it difficult to write. However, there you have it. If you’re feeling kind of shitty, be thankful that you don’t live in South Sudan at the moment. Have any of us really known, starvation, poverty, war? Maybe the few gracious souls who have fought in combat overseas, that’s about it. We are so fucking entitled and self-absorbed it’s not funny and because of that I feel like a total hypocrite wining about my ‘oh poor me, I lost my job and am feeling uninspired’. Unfortunately, South Sudan and all the other conflicts do not diminish these feelings … sigh, hella lame.