Cameron mortified after accidentally voting for Sturgeon

David Cameron has said he is mortified after accidentally casting his vote for the leader of the SNP in today’s general election.

The prime minister said “I don’t know what happened, I’m in shock. There I was, having my picture taken, putting my mark on the ballot paper, smiling broadly for the press.

“So I put it in the box, and just as it disappears through the slit, I spot it; a great big cross next to that twat Sturgeon’s name.

“The worst thing was that I had to pretend I was really happy and drive away waving, and when I went back later the uppity bitch in the polling station wouldn’t open the box for me. Ten minutes later it’s all over twitter. That woman is so fired.”

Asked how Mr Cameron had managed to vote for the leader of a party that wasn’t even standing a candidate in his area (or country), an aide to the PM said “MPs get different ballot papers from the rest of you. They only have important names on, and they can fill them in sitting on their gold toilets if they want. Fuck off.”

The Conservatives have been quick to point out this is not the only time MPs have made disastrous mistakes at the polls. In 2010 the entire Labour party voted for Nick Clegg, just to piss off Gordon Brown.

A Labour source said “Of course, now Clegg is even more hated than Brown was, so we might all actually vote Labour this time.”

Nicola Sturgeon said “This is great news. I just heard Nigel Farage is out of the game as well. Apparently on his ballot paper someone put his name next to the ‘Muslim Jihad Unemployed Immigrant Party of Tunbridge Wells’, and he just stared at it whimpering then fell over.