If We Can’t Have A Proper Conversation Without You Trying To Get In My Pants, GTFO

Dudes have plenty of methods to try and bait us into sleeping with them, and the “intelligent conversation” is one of them. I love having interesting conversations with all people, including single guys, but my engaging in a conversation with a guy doesn’t mean I’m definitely coming back to his place. Why isn’t that obvious?

It starts innocently enough: a guy strikes up a conversation with me at a party or a bar. I’m in a committed relationship, but unless a guy comes up to me immediately acting like a jerk (like some, “Hey sweetie, I’ve had my eye on you all night” kind of BS), I’m going to talk to him. Like I said, I’m friendly and I like talking to people.

I’m not flirtatious — I don’t touch his arm, bat my eyelashes or give him any other “signals.” Yeah, if he says something funny, I’ll laugh. Odds are, I’ll ask him what he does for a living because that’s just a thing you ask strangers. Still not signs I’m into him, but so many guys misread this and I don’t get it.

He’ll try to get a feel for something I’m interested in. Usually saying I studied literature or that I’m a writer does the trick. He’ll strike up an intelligent conversation about the topic, or maybe something else completely different. It doesn’t matter what it is — he’s gotten the impression that I’m not an airhead and he’s using it to his advantage.

We’ll have a great conversation. We’ll share opinions, chat about our favorite novels or movies, and talk about current events. I’ll feel social and intellectually stimulated, both of which are great feelings for me, but then things will go in one of three different directions.

Ten percent of the time, he’ll leave. Maybe he really just wanted to chat with another human being or he decides not interested, but about 10 percent of the time, he’ll leave after our nice conversation. He’ll give me a polite, “It was so nice talking to you, I really enjoyed this!” and head out with his friends. Truthfully, it’s those interactions that leave me feeling all warm and tingly inside.

Forty percent of the time, he’ll politely ask for more. You know, he’ll kindly ask for a number or if we can see each other again sometime, to which I kindly reply that I’m in a relationship and I’m very sorry. Usually, guys are good about this. He’ll gently bow out or even stay to chat a little bit longer. Hey, I don’t mind you asking respectfully, as long as you don’t mind a respectful “no”.

But the other 50 percent of the time, he’ll be a jerk about it. In these cases, which are sadly more frequent than the rest, things will change on a dime. We’ll be having this fantastic conversation about politics, and suddenly he’s like, “I’m calling an Uber for us to take this back to my place.” Um, don’t? Cancel it? Dude, you didn’t even ask, and now you’ve exposed this entire chat as a gross scam.

Even worse, he’ll just go for it. Apparently, me saying “I can’t wait to see how Get Out does at the Academy Awards next year” means “KISS ME, YOU FOOL”. He’ll lean in for it, put an arm around me, or even grab my ass. Jeez, I know talking about the Oscars is hot, but take it easy, guy.

When that happens, I obviously tell him to take a hike. Usually in an overly polite way, because it takes a lot for me to freak out at a guy. Of course, if he’s being particularly aggressive and won’t bow out graciously, I’ll escalate the situation to ensure my own safety and comfort.

Just because I don’t generally react that way doesn’t mean I’m not fuming. I love having random, interesting conversations and a guy using that as an opportunity to turn the situation into a pickup makes me self-conscious about having them again. All I can wonder is, am I inadvertently flirting by having these interactions? Am I leading guys on without realizing?

I refuse to stop interacting with people just because some jerk misinterpreted my vibe. That’s on him. If I love talking about literature in bars, I should keep doing that! As long as I can honestly tell myself I wasn’t insinuating anything or being disrespectful to him, I’m not going to stop being social and let the jerks of the world win.

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