Sunday, November 24, 2013

Violet started walking the week of Halloween, shortly before
she turned 15 months old. Now, three
weeks later she has gained a lot of confidence and is trying to run! I am glad that she was slightly on the older
side for reaching this milestone, because it gave me a little more time to
absorb her babyness. The rate at which
time passes has me feeling so wistful these days. I have moments of anxiety with this feeling
like we are hurtling so quickly toward middle school, high school, college, old
age, and beyond. I try to make an effort
often to slow down, take a breath, and allow myself to be fully present in the
beauty of the moment. It puts a lump in
my throat just to sit and type this.

This blog certainly served it original purpose in providing
a forum for me to keep our families and friends apprised of Holland
and Eden’s progress in the NICU and
beyond; but it turned out to be so much more.
It allowed me to keep a beautiful log of our milestones. I find myself frequently looking back to
remember certain details when the girls ask questions, or when I am trying to
provide support or information to someone else who finds themselves in our
shoes. It is really so priceless to me
now, because of how quickly our memories fade. As much as I try to soak them
up, nurture them, and keep them with me; they are fleeting, and it helps to
have them captured here. This blog has
also helped me to create a wonderfully supportive network of friends and
acquaintances in the computer who have helped us on our journey.

I have not kept up with the blog, and the reason is a good
one. My hands and my heart have been too
full! Between caring for Violet,
nursing, pumping, working, cleaning, sorting, organizing, vacationing, shuttling,
shopping, preparing, advocating, and generally managing our household, I just
haven’t made it a priority to sit down, clear my head, and take the time to do
this. But I really do want to have some
record of Violet’s life and milestones, so that someday she can look back and
know that she was celebrated too!

So where do I start?

I talked about the joys and stresses of my pregnancy with Violet, but I
never really elaborated on the aftermath and what it was like in those first
days and months after Violet was born.

We had a rough start, to put it lightly.

I had a horrible, horrible allergic reaction following my c-section that
lasted for 2 weeks and nearly caused me to lose my mind. It started
the day after Violet's birth, at the sight of my incision where steri-strips had been used to
tape me up. In hindsight, I remember a
minor reaction to this tape, as well as tape used on the girls’ faces in the
NICU causing a rash on my chest when I would hold them. That was a long time ago and nothing that would have prepared me for
this. Pardon the graphics, but I feel
the need to stress how awful this was.
Everywhere the tape touched me turned into severe burn-like blisters
that oozed, crusted over, and scabbed.
Within 2-3 days a bright red, rough, blistery rash started spreading
over my entire torso, into my armpits, behind my ears, down both thighs, and
into my nether regions. This rash itched
like you cannot imagine itching. It was
relentless. Words cannot describe how
miserable I was.

At the same time I was dealing with this, I was trying to
learn to breastfeed Violet and it wasn’t happening easily. She was quickly losing weight (got down to 5
lbs ½ oz) because she was resistant to latching on, and when she would latch on
she was not sucking productively and was not getting any milk. She would suck and suck and suck, but never
swallow, then would fall asleep. As soon
as I would take her off the breast, she would start crying again. She seemed so hungry, but wasn’t able to get
my milk from the breast. I was
heartbroken because I wanted this so badly, and I didn’t want it to be
hard. I also did not want to pump. I pumped for Holland
and Eden for 9 months and had a lot
of negative emotion attached to the pump.
I started pumping in the hospital with Violet and it brought back a huge
flood of that emotion. Then, once home
when I had to start supplementing Violet’s feedings to get her weight back up,
those emotions really welled to the surface.
We began the endless cycle of trying to nurse, pump, give her a bottle,
wash all of the parts, then repeat, while my poor nipples became so sore and
cracked, and breastfeeding so painful.
We also began the seemingly endless doctor’s appointments for weight checks, and
trying to figure out what was happening with my rash.

I did one course of oral steroids trying to get rid of the
rash, but the low dose didn’t even touch it.
I tried countless topical treatments, nothing helped. I was very hesitant to taking a higher dose
of steroids and/or any antihistamines because I was trying so hard to establish
my milk supply and breastfeed that I didn’t want to do anything that might
jeopardize that. About 12 days in, I
went to a dermatologist and got a prescription for the higher dose of steroids,
but decided to contact the pediatrician to double check the safety. By the time
she called me back the next day I felt like I was finally less itchy and the rash
had stopped spreading. The day after that there was even more improvement. Eventually it all cleared up except for a
small rash along one side of my scar that still continues to bother me to this
day. I plan to look into it further once
I am completely done breastfeeding.

Violet did eventually learn to
breastfeed. It took a good 4 weeks
before I was able to stop pumping and supplementing with a bottle, but once she
got the hang of it she never looked back.
In fact, she wanted to do it constantly.
When she wasn’t nursing she was crying.
I lost count of the number of times I googled “my baby wants to nurse
constantly.” I bought a ring sling, and
that saved my life in those first few months.
She would sleep on my chest in the sling. My nipples could have a break and I could get
a few things done around the house…win-win.
I was lucky, lucky to be able to stay home with her for the first 5
months, and lucky for everyone involved (namely Nana), she outgrew the “Cryolet” phase right
around the time I went back to work part-time. Whew. We survived.

At the time I worked really hard to hold it all together; but admittedly, those first few weeks ended up being very, very different than I had imagined. I could have managed the rash alone. I could have managed the difficult start to breastfeeding. I could easily have managed the lack of sleep. It was the combination of all of those things that had me close to the edge.

Looking back now I realize…I DID manage it! And I have managed MUCH worse. Sure, we had times when John and I were alone at night with the baby and I just sobbed my heart out because I was SO ITCHY and the baby WOULDN’T EAT and things were SO HARD. But, I had a healthy baby and we were going through all of this at HOME with our family together. So really, was it all that bad??

3 comments:

Wow, that rash looks miserable (and that baby looks ADORABLE!). Things don't have to be bad to be hard, and it sounds like the early days with Violet were hard indeed. I'm glad things got easier, and that you are really savoring her babyhood now. Thanks for sharing!

It must have been really hard to have all these expectations of a 'normal' pregnancy and birth and then to have all these problems. I am glad that you came out of it ok and have missed your updates on Holland and Eden. I too had a reaction to the plasters used on my C-section wound. Thank heavens it was not as bad as yours, I can only imagine how you felt as I only had it on the area which the elastoplast touched, it did not spread. It also took a while to clear up though. This was with my 3rd and last child, I also had latching and sucking issues with my 2nd and had to pump for a long time. I hope we get to hear more about all the girls:)

Aw adorable Billie - you are so right about time going so fast - you were about 2 years ahead of us in terms of micro-premie twins and your blog was so helpful in getting us through those early months and inspired me to write my own - as you say, a wonderful journal of memories - nearly 6 yrs now since those days of studying everything you wrote but I still check in for updates! So lovely to see Violet growing and that you braved having her at all Much love Alice