Proof I Might Be Suicidal

Monday, April 01, 2013

He gives me the Look. You know the one: a glare caught halfway between icy warning and annoyed disgust. "You are not a quick study, are you?"

"Oops. Sorry. I meant: excuse me, Nodens?"

"Yes?"

"I've been thinking..." I pause.

"Yes? Go on."

"You know, I really don't think this diet thing is going to work."

"You. Are. NOT. Quitting."

"No, no... Not quitting exactly... I'm just trying a new approach. You see, I've realized there's a much faster way to lose weight: crack. Have you ever SEEN a crack addict? They're as skinny as poles--"

Nodens used a word I never thought he'd use.

"ARE YOU SUICIDAL?!?! I will NOT allow this!!! You are MAD! You will KILL yourself!!!--"

"Nodens--"

"Are you truly so LAZY that you will addict yourself to a dangerous substance before you will work to achieve your goals?!"

"Nodens!--"

"That is absolutely unacceptable!!! YOU ARE PATHETIC!!!"

"Hey! Nodens!"

"WHAT?!"

"April Fools!!!"

His face suddenly goes cold, stoic... It's as if all of his features just close down.

"Nodens? Are you okay?"

"You're not laughing. Come on, I thought it was funny."

"I will contend with a great deal, but I will not be made a mockery of by a human girl."

"I'm sorry... I didn't think you would be this upset..."

"You have made a very serious mistake."

"Wait... What?!"

"This is going to hurt you more than it is going to hurt me."

I stumble backwards, tripping over my chair. I know it's useless... I know I can never get away. Nodens-Nuatha has hunted some of the worst of both the Fey and Mankind for millinia, and no quarry has ever escaped him. I feel my knees buckle as the inevitable hits me: I am going to die. My heart is hammering. I try to scream, but I can only choke out the words: "Nodens! Wait! Please!"

Suddenly, be begins laughing-- a deep, rumbling chuckle that builds into thunderous mirth.