Chemistry Taught by a Nut

mrs.draco416's GPA is going to take a beating because of a lunatic. Sad! We didn't even know dunce caps still existed! —Sparkitors

My chemistry teacher is a bit of a, oh what’s the word for it… NUT! She’s a nice person with a good personality, but is a horrible teacher. I have learned absolutely nothing about chemistry except that it’s pretty much the same thing as potions (except without all the cauldrons, bezoars, and greasy-hair…). Here's what I have learned this year:

1. Cookies sweeten the D-eal. Our chem teacher brings us cookies on test days. Now, since she’s a really bad teacher, her tests are almost always really hard. But I’ve learned that if you have a cookie to distract you, you’ll be turning in a completed D plus test before you know it.

2. Make fire. One day for a lab, we got to play with fire. No joke. All we did was stick a bunch of tooth picks soaked in different chemicals into a Bunsen burner and write down the color. (I got extra points for describing one as “Slytherin” green.) But I will never, ever need to know that KBr will turn fire bright pink. (let’s face it, I don’t even know what KBr is.) I’ve learned that you can get away with pointless labs as long as you include fire.

3. Don't ask questions. There’s no such thing as a stupid question, right? WRONG!! One day I asked a question, and was being completely serious, and she laughed. When I brought up this point, she just said, “That is such a lie!” and continued laughing. Then she gave me a dunce cone and told me to stand in the corner.

4. Atomic Structure Kits are for princesses. You know those little kits that have the wooden pegs and color coded balls with holes in them? And you’re supposed to use two of the red ones and a black one to represent H2O? Well we used those once, but we all made crowns out of them instead of PF6. So the lesson learned? You will NEVER use these things to make actual molecules. You’re better off with a crown.

5. It's not illegal if you get someone else to do it. After asking the question mentioned in #3, she proceeded to say, “I really wish I could throw an object at you.” Then she said, “No, I don’t want to damage your learning ability any more than it already is.” (I’m sure you’re wondering how I wasn’t crying at this point. I just kept picturing the delicious can of Arnold Palmer—half lemonade, half tea—I had waiting for me at home.) Then she turned to my lab partner and said, “Wait, can you throw something at her for me? I don’t wanna get sued or anything.” So apparently, if you get one of your students to throw an object at another one of your students, it is perfectly acceptable.

6. When in doubt, use Harry Potter. A few weeks into the school year, I had accepted the fact that my teacher hated me. Then she saw my “Slytherin” green description and said, “Oh do you like Harry Potter too?” I got her to be the sponsor for our school’s Harry Potter Club, and created more sucking up time for myself. So whenever I’m in put in a difficult position in class, what do I do? I reference Harry Potter. What? You wrote down those seven element symbols, why? Oh, well I don’t care anymore because I just used those symbols to spell out “Dumbledore.”