After much berating, the Kardashian klan kracks and starts telling lies. Lindsay Lohan returns to court. Hugh Grant has a baby after a "fleeting affair" with a mystery woman. Denise Richards and Richie Sambora reunite. Wednesday gossip plays with semantics.

The Kardashian klan is in full-blown damage control mode today, dispatching Kim and momager Kris Jenner to claim they "didn't make a dime" off Kim's sham wedding. This is total bullshit. First, as TMZ points out, the wedding cost an estimated $10 million, which the Kardashians did not pay for. "Kim could have had a $6 million wedding and banked $4." The wedding and honeymoon pictures sold for millions. And the Kardashians timed the wedding to maximize promotions for their gajillion Kardashian-branded products, websites, TV specials, and wares. Finally, I find it hard to believe that the Kardashians didn't collect E! salaries for their work in the reality show about the wedding, even if they didn't get paid to appear in the wedding itself.

Conclusion: Kris and Kim are using an incredibly narrow definition of "from" to claim they didn't profit "from" the wedding. Sure, Kim didn't scoop up a giant bag of money directly off the altar with her tongue still halfway down Kris Humphries' throat, but you'd be ignoring every gloating interview the Kardashians have ever given about their masterful business acumen and $65 million income to buy the shit they're selling now. Admit it, Kardashians: You are fake, but you are also rich and famous, and two out of three ain't bad. [Us, TMZ, image via Getty]

Meanwhile, wrong about most things (but right about penis pictures) website MediaTakeout says Kim Kardashian left Kris Humphries under the guidance of extremely understanding ex-boyfriend Reggie Bush, who told her he "would not do ANYTHING with her unless she was single. She had to get an official DIVORCE before he would even consider having a physical relationship with Kim." Since Kim Kardashian is the celebrity equivalent of a walking, talking penis picture, I'm going to take MTO's word on this one. [MTO]

In fact, Kim almost called off the wedding, but didn't because "she got in over her head." Multimillion-dollar wedding production contracts will do that to you. [Us]

Russell Simmons knew about Kim's divorce before anyone else did, because they had "a heart to heart talk just a few days prior where we shared our thoughts about life, love, celebrity, and well, actually Occupy Wall Street." Wait, the night she responded to OWS with "Ohhh, that cake looks good"? Please say it was the cake night. [GlobalGrind]

Speaking of Russell Simmons, he accidentally tweeted two naked pictures of his blonde model girlfriend the other day. [MTO]

And now, a break from our wall-to-wall Kardashian coverage: zombie-faced morgue attendant Lindsay Lohan heads back to court today, where she will reportedly admit to violating probation by flunking out of community service. She's trying to avoid jailtime, but prosecutors for both Los Angeles City and County will reportedly be at this hearing, to demand that the judge send her to jail for at least 90 days. The city has jurisdiction over LiLo's shopping case; the county is in charge of the probations for her two DUIs. And now, a statement from Lindsay's overworked publicist:

Lindsay recognizes it's time to have closure on this. Lindsay has several projects we will be announcing in the coming months, and she is looking forward to being back on set.

When you collect that Playboy million, Lindsay, give this man a raise. Being able to make that statement with a straight face is worth a million all on its own. [Radar]

OK, fine, one more Kardashian item: Kris Humphries family hates Kim. With all their hearts. And now Kim is blaming them for the break-up. Leave the Humphries alone! They're already the most red-faced social climbers in Minnetonka, Minnesota, which is punishment enough, don't you think? [TMZ]

Denise Richards is back together with Richie Sambora. Not like Heather Locklear was ever going to forgive them, anyway. [Radar]

"Pregnant Jessica Simpson: I'm Not Bothered By Weight Gain." Since her most recent weight gain is literally necessary to create human life, I am very surprised by this news, and think we should form a circle around Jessica and ridicule her weight until she cries. In other news, "the decision not to make myself anorexic was actually great for branding" her clothing line. "When you're really, really skinny, not everybody can relate to you." [Us]

Hugh Grant is a father for the first time at the age of 51, after a "fleeting affair" with a "mystery woman." [People, TheFamous]

Princess Charlene and Prince Albert are in America, and went on the Today Show to dispel rumors that the Monacan monarchy trapped Charlene, confiscated her passport, and forced her to marry the old baldie against her will. Just outside the frame of this video is a man with a giant cutlass, pantomiming the horrible things he will do to Charlene if she tries to run away, again. Hey, you know who would be a good hero right now? That other European prince galavanting around America, rescuing damsels in distress. Man up, Harry! This is your moment! [Celebitchy]

Camille Grammer is dating a Greek guy named Dimitri Charalambopoulos. Turns out she likes spanakopita. [Us]

Michelle Williams on her little boy hairdo: "Straight men across the board are not into this hair." Hee hee. "I cut it for the one straight man who has ever liked short hair and I wear it in memorial of somebody who really loved it." Sob. [Telegraph]