The following will comprise a conversation told by one ugly American and two upstanding Canadians (Maestro and Litre_Cola). No names have been changed to protect the innocent. I apologize for not cleaning up the format and syntax better, but fuck it, I am lazy. I tried adding and changing the spacing for like 15 minutes, and nothing seemed to work. Grrrr.

Less than 50 days until opening night, people…

Maestro: Ok. So. A few questions I copied over from the thread that Litre started:

I axed a couple q’s.

How will Latavius do in a state full of Bjorns?

Will the Iggles wr’s catch more than herpes from a Ron Mexico reject?

Would it be worth taking a qb (foster) in a keeper league from the team that doesnt exist?

Is Mariota worth more than Nanobubbles due to the Hawks O line probs?

Carr-Beef Moe-Atari effective?

When are the Bills going to call me to play WR?

Will Crabs in the Pocket have a breakout season due to DJax being added?

Those sorts of q’s.

Sleeper TE -A Hernandez.

I’m at work currently but I’ll try and think of some shit this evening when I’m home.

Hippo: This is all quality material. For our readers…why should you listen to us? Well, Maestro and Litre are Canadian, so that speaks for itself. I am the guy who traded Le’Veon Bell mid-season for fucking Devontae Booker…yet still won his league. On the strength of trusting a coinflip to start Sam “CrazyEyez” Bradford and Adam “Great White Hope” Thielen in the title match, but I must be some kinda wizard, yeah?

Anyway, I am all about promoting deep rosters and auction leagues. Because I suck at draft strategy and selecting proper high-end talent. Waiver wire and depth accumulation is where Hippo gon’ shine.

If anyone plans to be in the DC/Northern VA area Labour Day Monday morning and wants to play in a 20-man roster auction league, just let me know! I am supposed to be recruiting and shit.

Back to those questions. Holy fuck. I could see Latavius having lots of value because everyone will want Dalvin Cook and FSU guys usually disappoint early. Cook was just a cog in the machine, IMHO. The Iggles?? Fuck if I know. Dartboard. There are too many Iggle fans in my league anyway, so I always ignore them (which ends up being helpful).

Yes, I want no part of RW3. Mariota intrigues me as an upside QB play, for sure. They still have little defense (but solid OL) and will need to score a fuckton. Perhaps they will keep DonT entertained this autumn?

One hopes Beef Moe won’t be “Tony Dorsett Goes to Denver” but the odds ain’t in his favour. Somebody else will pay more than me.

Philly feels pity for Buffalo. I have no idea what kind of season the walking venereal disease will have, but I would definitely buy shares in Mike Evans. He might be my favourite WR, and you don’t have to quite pay #1 overall prices.

Hey, in a deep league, it would totes be worth it to throw Hernandez out there late just for the laughs. If anyone finds a way to employ the undead, it will be Belicheat.

More questions:

1) How many of the random breakouts do you expect to have staying power? The one foremost in my mind is Jordan Howard. Will defenses just send 8-9 men to smother him, as they did last season to Todd Gurley? Or will he keep on breaking ankles like David Johnson (who had the lower profile like Howard)?

2) Speaking of David Johnson, how does that nasty Week 16 injury affect him in 2017? Is he still the ELITE of the elite? With apologies to Flacco Mayonnaise, Inc. Who else might step up to the “guy who wins leagues” void?

3) Are there any groupings (offense or defense) that you feel are on the verge of breakthrough or collapse? I would worry about having too much stock in any pieces of the Yinzburgh offense, or the SeaTruther defense (which really started leaking last season). I think, as Litre noted above with Mariota, that Los Titanicos could be an offensive tide that lifts all late round/$2 boats. Would also be pretty happy owning the Raiders’ defense.

Maestro: To put in my own two cents’ worth:

– I’ve won a league twice in my life. Both times, it was due to a combination of sheer ridiculous luck and also getting a huge boost from Drew Brees randomly going off and killing some team offensively late in the season. These two championships put me on par with Eli Manning, who’s going to the Hall of Fame… Right?

– To answer some of Hippo’s questions:

– I don’t think the Panthers, and specifically the NFC South (outside of maybe the Saints) are gonna be dogshit this year… If Cam Newton can play healthier, I think Kelvin Benjamin might be in for a breakout year. From last year, with other breakouts like CJ Prosise probably won’t do much this year since I expect Eddy Lacy to gobble up most of the carries for the SeaTruthers; for Lamar Miller, who cracked 1K yards rushing, I can’t see him topping that mark again, especially now that this team allegedly called the “Texans” now isn’t scared to give the ball to a quarterback since Brock Osweiler has left the city of Houston, which doesn’t really exist. I think overall, breakout RBs tend to be the flukiest things to predict in fantasy; with short shelf lives and with more and more GMs ready and willing to chuck them aside for the newer, hotter models coming directly off the showroom floor, I tend to have shit luck with repeat running back success.

– The Cards are fucked. I really think so. I know David Johnson says he’s healed, but as a head coach, how can I possibly feel ok with letting him try and really work in his knee in training camp knowing the history of all that? And after a month of not letting him giv’er, how do you successfully switch gears all of a sudden once the season hits? The only possible way I see him getting the same number of touches that he was getting at the end of 2016 is if Carson Palmer starts the year as badly as he played for a lot of last season.

– I agree with what both of y’all are saying about the Titans; I know schematically some people might call it a dull offence or whatever, but Marcus Mariota is a franchise QB in my mind, and I think their game plan is very well suited to the personnel they have in place. I had Delanie Walker in one of my leagues last year and I was very pleasantly surprised with his output for much of the fantasy season. Defence wise, I know you’ll hate me for saying some homery stuff, but the Pats have a fucking excellent secondary since Stephon Gilmore signed on board. If Gilmore, Butler, McCourty and Chung can all stay pretty healthy, I think there’s a real good chance for a lot of defensive fantasy points thanks to picks getting created by them.

My own questions:

– With more news coming about Zeke Elliott’s most recent shitty behaviour (hello CrimeBeat!), is it still worth taking him high? I know the league has a history of letting virtually every Cowboy except Rolando McClain off the hook for some reason, but if they’re “seriously looking into the matter” as claimed, is it a worthwhile risk to take?

– Are the Ravens gonna be dogshit again this year? Also, who’s playing running back for them now? Since Ray Rice got exiled and Justin Forsett retired I can’t even keep track anymore. I ask because if y’all think that offensively they won’t be ass anymore, I’d consider maybe putting a depth pick in on whoever’ starting for them in the backfield. I dunno. I don’t think much about Baltimore except for the times when I’m trying to avoid ever going there.

– I don’t think Jimmy Graham still really fits in Seattle’s offence. If you have him in a keeper league, what round would you say would be the cutoff point in actually keeping him on your roster between last season and this one?

– Is DeShaun Watson gonna win the starting gig for the Texans? (I think he is, based on the NFL’s hard-on for intangibles and GRIT, but then again I only watched Clemson play twice last year). He’s gotta be better than Osweiler, right? Viable QB2 option good? Good enough to make DeAndre Hopkins a proper WR1 again, or just good enough to fuck me production-wise in fantasy but still somehow let the Texans win the AFC South?

– I’m writing this after multiple beers and with essentially zero research and no proofreading. How many typos am I gonna make in the process?

Hippo: Oh, that Zeke has been a naughty, naughty boy. So much so that even the Dallas P.D. could no longer look the other way, it seems. He was so good, I think someone will still pay close to full freight, and that won’t be me. Who knows if this puts him in Jerral’s dog house or not? And he could think (with some justification) that anyone could run behind that OL, and he has always loved fellow Pig Darren McFadden…

I expect the Pokes to throw, and throw a lot. No Sophomore Slump for DAK!

Very much expect the Ratbirds to suck hind tit (teat?), so pencil them in for their usual 10-11 wins. There is a Terrance West, Kenneth Dixon, and Danny Woodhead triumvirate in the backfield (sounds MOAR LIEK a CPA lunch trio amirite??) of which I give zero fucks about. West could get enough carries to matter, if he falls far enough to hold your nose and take the plunge.

Rotowire has Jimmy Graham at #5 at TE, in PPR scoring. I’m with you, that just feels ridiculous. I’d trade him to someone who believes. To me, unless he’s valued at round 9/10 for keeper purposes, I’d rather dart toss.

I can’t believe you are counting out DOOPY PANTZ! And of course Watson would be an improvement over the departed Brock Lobster, I’ve taken shits that have more poise in the pocket than that fuckwit. Still, I only see him as a scrambler/garbage time dude, and their defense probably keeps them in too many games to make that something one can count on. Plus, Tom Savage could keep the job most or all season. Clemson doesn’t really run a pro-style offense at all, so he could use a “book-larnin'” year. In short, another “throw the remote at the teevee box” season for the Hopkins owner. He well and truly deserves better.

Suspect you are right about the el futbol norteamericano Cardinals being thunderfucked. They have a shit ton of weapons defensively, but still counting on the desiccated corpse of Carson Palmer is a very bad idea. If DJ can’t tote the rock 30 times a game (and make defenses pay with said 30 touches)…they won’t score hardly at all.

A little help here, Litre?

Maestro: Litre’s in northwestern Ontario right now in a special circle of hell reserved for fist-sized mosquitoes, so we may not hear from him until the morning, just FYI.

Hippo: BTW, good shouts re Delanie Walker (the man who is always just there) and the Pats D. For onesies, they play the Jest and TannyFanny. A total of 4x. [Ed. Note: WRONG! Went back and checked, home fixture with the J-E-S-T is Week 17, and thus no help at all. Also cruel for any side that might be jockeying for playoff position with the Massholes in the final week.] For twosies, a desperate opposition means‎ lots of Pick Six chances. Which they can cash in with regularity now. Evil gon’ evil.

Litre: My 1st musings. Heading out for lunch then will see responses.

So if we do this semi regularly I propose 2 Moose and a Hippos ff musings. [Ed. Note: 2 moose and hippo brought back the picture you see at the top of the page.]

My credentials are that I have won my big league once on the back of Demarious Thomas and no injuries through the season. Pure crapshoot. I religiously watch redzone so my heart can break with every play.

Hippos Q’s

Breakouts from last year to have big seasons. Jordan Howard for certain as I wanted to keep him in 1 of my leagues but you can only keep drafted players and he was an FA pickup. Counterpoint is that the long necked qb is going to be so bad that they will be behind a lot and have to throw the football. I do feel that there will be quite a few guys in FU mode this season, like Alshon, Brandon Marshall, Jamaaaal Charles. Although there is a reason that their teams did not resign them so maybe the GM’s of a footbaw team know something that the three of us don’t.

I do not trust any Cardinals running back as it seems they just replace them with another injury prone one. I have been burnt by Ellington too many times as I am a dumbass and continued to think that this is his year. I see people drafting him, the kid beater in N.O., and Beef Moe too early all just hoping for a chance that they return to their former greatness.

For breakouts, I can see the Raider defense being good howevah if their offense is as advertised then their D will be on the field a lot with teams attempting to play catch up which is bad for numbers. I believe that “Crabstealer” has a lot of weapons this year and if he can get his shit together the Bucs O will be formidable with DJax, Brate, Evans and if Martin is healthy they are loaded.

Maestros Q’s

I cannot take any Cowboy ever in any draft as I just can’t sit there and openly root for those bastards. I am an Iggles fan and hate the Cowboys more than anything, and that includes Chelsea FC (which actually is in Fulham), IPA’s (come at me), and being out of weed. I think Zeke will get taken too high as now defensive coordinators have seen what he likes to do and can scheme to stop it. This also is why I believe that Dak, Wentz etc will have a step back, and why there is indeed a sophomore slump in most professional sports.

The Ravens will suck because Fozz just got a job and that is his quota of nice things, and Twbs doesn’t deserve nice things.

Jimmy Graham is a tough one as he shows signs of brilliance in Nanobubbles offense but then will get you 17 yards the next game. You would think near the goal line he would be a great weapon but none of us can ever predict what the Heaux are going to do down there.

I believe that Watson may be worth taking especially if you are in a keeper league then stash him on the bench as Savage Garden will start until they go 0-3 and then it is Watson time for the team that doesn’t exist.

Hippo: I like this regular column idea. Even if I am Hippo thoughts-ing Monday and Lesser Footying all day Saturday. Can run my giant mouth on this stuff all day, and you fellows are pleasant to talk with.

Redzone really has changed everything for the better. If I were to list the 10 people most near and dear to me, coked-up Scott Muthafuckin’ Hanson would definitely be there. It ain’t Sunday without him. My favourite aspect of being a divorced recluse is knowing that nothing can take me from my preferred recliner every single Redzone minute. I give no fucks regarding your wedding or stupid kid-related functions. Plan better.

I see so much football desert in the AFC North and NFC West (damned Ram It!! could have something if not for Baby Buster), that I am calling this one now. Bet the over on total wins for The Factory AND the Fightin’ Tomsulas. Yeah, you heard me. Let that cover some of your fantasy losses.

ESPN3 is streaming the Everton/FC Twente friendly in a few, so I have to get ready for Sandro Ramirez’ glorious Toffee debut now.

Tangerine and mango IPAs are blessed nectar of the gods. And SO MASCULINE to order from cute 20-something bartendrixes…

Litre: I do enjoy Raspberry and Peach Ales (so manly)!

RAM IT will be a dumpster fire, the Factory will have an 8-8 season, declare it a new day and then fall back to a 5-11 season.

I still question whether Pryor will replace DJAX’s numbers. He does have a capable QB for once which should be something to see but the rest of the Redacteds are garbage. He could very well average 100 yds a game which would be a nice flex or WR3 if you play in a league that has them (I do).

We haven’t touched on TE yet. Gronk hurt as usual, Gates old, Martellus is in an offense that has other weapons so he will not be a main target. OJ Howard is listed on the depth chart ahead of Brate, Witten is reliable but hurt, is Hunter Henry for real???? So many qustions. I hate tight ends (phrasing), for me they are always 10 pts or 2.4.

I always draft D’s then k’s last because they are always a lottery ticket.

The funny thing about Dern is that he’s from a very wealthy blue-blood old money family, he never smoked or drank or did drugs, and he is a champion long distance runner. Maybe that adds malevolence somehow I dunno. I think “Tatoo” is his creepiest role.

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July 22, 2017 8:04 pm

Member

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Agreed; it takes a special talent to portray a conniving treacherous asshole as well has he did. He must have borrowed mannerisms and affect from the Hollywood producers and agents he had to deal with.

Trump doesn’t have that problem cause he was given a very nice mini-fridge as a gift from the Russian ambassador. It’s got a “voice control” feature that’s always listening! Isn’t technology these days amazing?

My auction tradition is coming up with my irritating first round nominee. Everyone else nominates a “top shelf” player, I always try to come up with someone to fill my 19th or 20th slot on the roster.

Because this is annoying, often times other GMs will bid $2. Which forces me to be more creative. Find a guy nobody could possibly want but me. Bid $2 instead. Or bring up someone that I secretly hate to fuck someone over.

I really want to do this with my beloved Giraffe this season, but I actually want him, and with my roster structure, could end up needing to at least platoon start him. Should I open bidding at $2?

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July 22, 2017 12:30 pm

Member

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

1

July 22, 2017 12:50 pm

Member

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

On another note; we will be able to watch as Justice finally prevails for the legacy of Terrell Lamar Fucking Davis in spite of Peter The Grand Asshole of Sports Writing King.

His stance was that the career was not long enough and the numbers don’t add up….. to someone with a long career. Waxed poetic about Gayle Sayers (worthy of it of course), but you can’t have both. I don’t know his vote on this last try; that would be according to who he was trying to garner favor with.

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July 22, 2017 3:03 pm

Member

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

So murder?

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July 22, 2017 12:40 pm

Member

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

0

July 22, 2017 12:20 pm

Member

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I won’t be wearing pants. That is a personal choice. I don’t need a qualifier that this is actually a reply.

Quite the transcript. Has Zeke enlisted the crack DFO legal team? If he only gets 1 game for his shenanigans then that is good hustle.
As for Jamaaaaal I feel like the 1st few weeks will be great and then snappo goes the leg.

//also bees, in my first house I was watching JV NFL one afternoon and noticed a bevy of wasps had infiltrated my fireplace – worst day ever – shook like Nic Cage in Leaving Las Vegas as I duct taped the air vents

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July 22, 2017 12:26 pm

Member

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Bees do not equal wasps.
Bees = life on earth as we know through pollination.
Wasps = will kill you if angered.

You shouldn’t worry; it is less than 20′ long and those seldom crush and swallow full grown humans for dinner.

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July 22, 2017 12:09 pm

Member

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I am going to take the same strategy I have before in ignoring my deaf, barely able to breath dad and hide out until night. I did everything he needed done besides mowing the back lawn before he woke up, and fuck him.

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July 22, 2017 12:02 pm

Member

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

1

July 22, 2017 11:47 am

Member

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

“It is a bitch move to mow only the front yard”

“You can’t mow it at all. I sweated through my clothes going out of a cig just now. Why do you think I mowed at 9 am?”

It needs pointing out from time to time, still. This also needs to be a call to all small p patriots, across the political spectrum.

1

July 22, 2017 11:15 am

Member

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Agreed, but in this era of FAKE NEWS and a three branch majority of “part.y before the country” I just don’t have any optimism of true and just action. This is collusion and treason and the fervor and ferocity is about a tenth of what was throw at Clinton for a blowjob and some nonexistent real estate crimes.

1

July 22, 2017 11:24 am

Member

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I am seeing some Melissa McCarthy as Sean Spicer this morning. The thing I am having trouble believing is the White House actually did a daily televised press briefing. That doesn’t sound right.

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July 22, 2017 10:44 am

Member

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The bikini as one of the versions introduced in 1946. So much hyperventilating and pearl clutching; the end of modern civilization was thought to be at hand.

you sort of answered the question…it doesn’t really matter, given the OL and the schedule.

Trevor Siemian is a perfectly good, actually VERY GOOD NFL backup. He is a below average starter. This is probably still more than QuarterPax will end up being, but I suspect Our Equine Lord and Saviour will want to find out for certain sooner rather than later.

Which is perfectly justifiable.

This is likely a 7 or 8-win Donks team anyway, and I am probably being a homer in thinking such.

2

July 22, 2017 10:31 am

Member

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Also you must be looking at “average starter” different than most; for what was essentially his rookie year. Agreed that Joseph/Elway at some point will want a long look at the Paxster, but he is still pretty raw and inaccurate.

I don’t think Siemian has the physical tools to be more than a below-average starter. It does necessarily involve subjective projection on my part. I believe he is playing closer to his ceiling than an average rookie QB.

1

July 22, 2017 11:12 am

Member

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

From last December; PFF agrees with your hippo ass:

“But that doesn’t matter to Pro Football Focus, who ranked him as the 27th “best” starter this season:

“Siemian is limited as a passer, often needing a clean vision of the play pre-snap in order to succeed. This leads to plenty of inconsistency, both on a week-to-week and a play-for-play basis. In the grand scheme of things, he’s performed well for a quarterback with low expectations, but he’s also a hindrance for a Denver team that still features a championship-level defense.””

we shall see about the arm, but his footwork is just awful. I hate a QB with bad feet. Could be me just acting on a pet peeve.

1

July 22, 2017 11:22 am

Member

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

True, his footwork regressed under pressure, which he and Lynch had at a faster rate than any other team. When he had time he was OK to good. The arm and accuracy are there. I’m not saying anything special at this point, but he is better than what many teams have. Sure, I’d like to have Aaron Rodgers the starter and him as a backup, but that possibility or one like it is remote. Again; he was a rookie in most senses of the word; he could improve in many areas or, as you say, be what he was.

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July 22, 2017 11:33 am

Member

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

They improved the run stopping D and the line will be better (not saying much) along with getting more quick passing talent. It is a tough division, but the D won’t drop off. I will be committed and nail it down to…..anywhere from 7 to 11 wins.

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July 22, 2017 10:38 am

Member

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

They will be fine in the early part if they can run and keep the scores low. While those teams have good pass rushers, they are also as flawed or more so than the Donks and early they have home cooking. I don’t like having away games in a row, that kind of sucks.

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July 22, 2017 10:50 am

Member

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Jamaal Charles; if he is healthy and the knee holds: HOLY SHIT, if not: it was worth the shot. Kelly is at the most a project, practice squad dude for a few years. No real investment, so if he works out great if not, see ya later.

He certainly has the right attitude/chip on the shoulder, and he’s always been a very dynamic player that I grudgingly respected despite being a Chef.

I loved Kelly’s work/tape from Ole Miss. He can make all, or at least most of the NFL throws. He has that thing where he sets his feet and squares his body under immense pressure, and looks to pass before scrambling as a runner (like a white DAK! at Cowbell U.). I don’t believe it is hyperbole that Coach Joseph said Kelly was his favourite QB in the entire draft class.

He definitely won’t play a single down this season, but I suspect we will keep him on the 53-man roster. Maybe IR or PUP list.

1

July 22, 2017 10:36 am

Member

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

So get him injured?

He showed what you said, he also showed he was erratic, undisciplined, a dumbshit off the field, and inconsistent. All of these things can be coached out of him. Hopefully Joseph qualified his statement under his breath “Kelly is my favorite QB in the entire draft class [mumbling] in the seventh round.” Unless he shows something in preseason he can make it to the PS.

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