Dear Mariella

I have a loving marriage, a lovely home, supportive brothers and the best life I could want. But since I turned 40 two years ago I see myself getting older and uglier and stupider and young ones passing me by. I feel like I'm losing control and that I'm on the scrap heap.

The dilemma I have a loving marriage, a lovely home, supportive brothers and the best life I could want. But since I turned 40 two years ago I'm finding it hard to have confidence in myself. I've always been strong and went through a lot in childhood, but recently I applied for a fab job at work and didn't get it. It went to a younger person, which really hit me. I also had to give up a college course as it was too complicated. I just see a middle-aged woman getting older and uglier and stupider and young ones passing me by. I've always struggled with my weight, but it's not the body, it's the brain that I feel is going. I feel like I'm losing control and that I'm on the scrapheap.

Mariella replies You're one of millions. Part of a huge swathe of women that our society deems past our prime. You're not imagining it, you are being sidelined. Jobs go to younger women, fashion is focused on young women, advertising is aimed at younger women, men lust after younger women. Frankly, between Club 18–30 and Saga lies an empty quarter as forbidding as the Arabian Desert.

Why don't you want to complain? Our attitude to ageing in general and women in particular is a disgrace and it's time we all started shouting about it. I'd love to blame anyone but us, but female solidarity is thin on the ground. Despite achieving a position in the modern world where we are not only self-supporting but also increasingly outshining the men, we act like a gaggle of competitive girls whose most important goal is how blokes view us. Female-to-female behaviour hasn't evolved much since Jane Austen's day and the sad result is we continue to fail to provide sisterhood.

The early feminists struggled with a tricky complication: many of them relied on men to pay their way and an ingrained survival culture of "every woman for herself" took over as soon as the banners were stored away. The majority of men stand shoulder to shoulder in war, on sports fields and in the workplace while we waste our time bitching about the lengths of our colleagues' skirts and the way they flutter their eyelashes at the boss.

Not that it's any wonder, because those are still attributes contributing to success. It takes a long time to get over centuries of conditioning. But isn't it time we stood together against the misogynistic mores and prehistoric clichés that play out when judging women? The only time we hear a peep about it is when one of a small group of female TV stars (forcefully retired) lashes out. As a result, you could be forgiven for imagining that ageism is solely the preserve of ladies in the media. Yet our screens are merely reflecting the ageism and sexism that's equally prevalent in everyday life, but from the office or factory floor it's a lot harder to raise your voice.

Thousands of women like you see their careers overtaken by young, inexperienced colleagues three decades before their pensionable age. It's what makes a laughing stock of the government fiddling with the pension age to make their figures add up. Along with insisting we work ourselves into the grave, might they also ensure that we remain employable? It makes no business sense at all to invest two decades of training and then dump your employee, making monkeys of those who believed that knowledge and skill would hold them in good stead.

They should feel lucky to have a person of your experience in your office and promote you in celebration. You've hit the glass ceiling, which we all read about but only seem to react to when our heads have smashed up against it. If only younger women learnt from our experiences rather than cackling all the way to job promotion.

So you've got every reason to feel as you do but no reason to lie down and give up. You mention staying slim and keeping an eye on the competition. That could be your biggest mistake. Taking care of yourself is a good idea but not constantly comparing yourself to an age group you no longer belong to.

You also sound like you have too many men in your life. I suggest you gather some sisters to share your fears with. The second best thing to not ageing at all is having a laugh about it. Don't fall for the propaganda that when it comes to middle age the cheese automatically starts slipping off the cracker; it's scientifically proven that our brains can continue developing into our 80s. You're a professional woman in the prime of your capabilities. I'd use my energy on people who see me as such, and not cling on to the past. Rage, rage, rage when they attempt to turn out the light.

Reader responses Two weeks ago, Mariella looked at the problem of a young woman who had been practically raised by her grandma but now felt resentful that she was being asked to call home at least once a day despite her demanding job and living abroad. The writer felt that Mariella's advice was "scarily spot on". Here are some readers' webposts on the topic:

Being a granny myself, I would never expect one – not to mention two – calls a day from any of my many offspring. In a loving family there can't be any emotional blackmail. I follow my grandchildren on Facebook. Loeska

I think Mariella is misreading your family dynamics. The family seems to be what therapists call enmeshed – too close – and you showed a healthy need to claim a bit of independence. Stick to your guns, have the kind of contact with your family you want. Rojillo

If the parents and the sister live with grandma, she's hardly a lonely old lady, is she? No need to evoke mysterious psychological sub-currents, most adults would get irritated by such moral blackmail. Snark1