Schizophrenia Support Group

Schizophrenia is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a mental disorder characterized by impairments in the perception of reality and by significant social dysfunction. Untreated schizophrenia is typically characterized by demonstrating disorganized thinking and experiencing delusions or auditory hallucinations.

do you remember when it hit you?

do you remember the moment you knew that your loved one was not going to turn back? I myself am bipolar so when i get back to feeling more stable i have a hard time with myself over leaving my ex who is a paranoid schizophrenic. I think back on the days when I would get out of school and walk up the steps to the senior parking lot and off in the distance i'd see my old 74 valiant with a pile of roses left for me on the windshield and it gets skewed by images of bright glaring porn on the t.v. at 3 am. I keep raking my brain for the moment everything went so horribly wrong as if I could pinpoint it down to the date somehow. I remember it was just after my own mental collapse when I made the decision that I needed to get back with him. I needed to be near him and feel my head resting on his shoulders. He came to me and confessed all the strange urges and the paranoia and the helplessness so even though I was in my own darkest hour I felt I had to help him because in all my life he created some of my dearest memories. I wanted him to come back to reality so badly and I wanted out of my own pit so badly. I thought being with him and overcoming our illnesses would do that.

It was february when we got back together. He promised to do everything he could because he said he was sick of the way he was feeling and he wanted so badly to trust me and his family again. We looked for help from our DSHS and he was given monetary aid but no medical which was the only thing we were asking for. we kept searching. But then came the eggshells. They were littered in every square inch of our home. I wanted him to get better. I wanted it every second of the day. I kept the tv off. I kept the radio off. I never left his side. He became paranoid about me having sex with everyone so I literally had him following me into the bathroom. He would check before i showered and stand outside the door still convinced that somehow inside i was doing terrible things with members of his family or worse plotting with the devil. He couldn't stand television because he thought they were sending messages through it. We could only watch video tapes. He reasoned that it was harder to send a live message through something pre recorded. Eventually that had to stop too. I was no longer allowed to read because I might be getting messages through the books that he couldn't decipher. We sat in silence. He would be angry with me but would refuse to leave the room I was in. So he would mock me instead calling me a slut and a pig and a whore. We left the house only to buy him cigarettes. He kept asking me why I was doing all this to him. 3 months later when I finally found a way to get him some help and make some sort of plan with a behavior specialist we got to the office and spoke to him for all of 5 minutes and my ex got up and ran out of the room. The specialist asked if he would be returning and all I could do was get up and chase after him. I found him down in the parking garage pacing and ripping up his empty marlboro pack. He asked me for my car keys and demanded to know what disgusting things I had done with the specialist. I tried to put my foot down and he put his hands around my neck and began punching the car window with his other hand attempting to break the glass. I gave in and I gave up. There were no more attempts to get services therapy or medication. He had gone through 3 bottles of sample zyprexa and refused to take any more drugs. He said they were poisoning him.It was over but I still had to stay because I was jobless and lost in my own right. We were kicked out of his moms house after he destroyed the bathroom door with plunger after he had locked him self in and tried to stab back
through and after he ripped several planks off the inside of the garage door. His mom didn't kick us out. It was the landlord. We moved in with my dad but we only stayed long enough (2 weeks) for me to find a job which I thankfully still have today.
We moved in with his friend who took in people all the time and he became paranoid that I had become gay and that I was sleepig with this 45 year old woman and her lover. I didn't really like the people there either so I had us moved over to my moms. She was living with her boyfriend and refused to let us stay but since I had a key I forced myself in and made her let us stay in the comp room. We stayed for several months until her boyfriends apt flooded during the storms and they both moved back into her house. we then moved in with my older half sister who I hate for the reasons I can't explain here and put up with more garbage from her than I could. When I got home one night at 2am after taking a consumer to the hospital who was near death I was upset and crying and scared for her but all I had to come home to was him sitting drunk staring off into space while some whore on the screen did the unspeakable things he had accused me of doing. I didn't have a shoulder to cry on and I didn't have any hope to spare. I woke up a few days later with his hand around my neck trying to strangle me and I pushed him off and told him if he wanted to kill me he should just do it. We got in a huge physical fight and he tried to throw this huge metal oil heater at me bt I pushed him over and he stumbled. I tried to call for help but no one came. I grabbed for my cell phone but he grabbed it from me and pressed it down until it cracked. I lost it. I had been sooooo patient with him before but all I could do was scream at him for all the shit he had put me through until I was hoarse. He sat down and at first he mocked every word I said but then I saw it in his face that he really didn't have a clue about what he was doing. I went in the house and slept on the couch. I called my friend the next morning and saw her for the first time in six months. Two weeks later I woke up and realized I had to pack my things. I called my sister and told her I had to move and I had to do it now. I went in our room and started seperating all his clothes into a pile and all of mine into garbage bags and threw them in my car. I told him I was going to do laundry at my other sisters because our washer was broke. When she showed up I threw all my books into her car and all my clothes in mine. By then he knew what was going on. I started crying and he came over and held me like he used to. He said he was sorry. I said it didn't matter. He said he would always love me..but then said if I hadn't done what I had done that it wouldn't happened this way (what did I do?) . He asked me why I didn't love him ( he had asked it thousands of times) and I couldn't reply this time. I left. I saw him 3 times after this. Each time I could see it in his eyes. The nervousness. he was trying to hide his paranoid thoughts from me. But I could see every a minute sound of distraction hit he would jerk to find it. The voices didn't stop. He just to let me in. The last time I saw him I let him go to a movie with me. He did such a good job at hiding but there was no relief in his eyes. As I was driving him to his new home we stopped at a light and he leaned over and kissed my cheek and told me he would always love me and then sprinted from the car in the middle of traffic and jumped over a fence. That was the last time I saw him. I spoke to him on the phone and he was okay at first but then he became very possessive in his speech and I ended the call. I took it one more time and he was very angry with me by then. He called every day about 6x a day and left messages of despair and messages of anger and I stopped listening to them. I never answered the phone again for him. this was the beginning of june 07 I stopped taking calls phone strange numbers and I made silence his ring tone. A month later the calls stopped and I heard he had moved to another state to live with his sister who is someone I despise because she molested several of her siblings. Now I don't take calls from other states. Just last month I wrote a post it note and stuck it in my car dash to remind me to meet with a coworker and I was struck with the thought that i needed to remove it in case he might see it and accuse me of screwing the coworker. I actually had to remind myself that he was no longer in my life. I have so many questions about the time we shared together that I cannot answer and it is tearing me up. I'm still mad at myself for giving up but I knew I had to. I get scared people around me will see me the same way and give up on me too...
Where could we have gone to get treatment quickly? I feel like we had this small gap of time where we could have done something. I feel like the government wasted his life by making us wait so long.
Has anyone out there ever been controlled by a schizophrenic like this? What do I do to get over this guilt?

thanks you sooooo much if you took the time to read this. I started writing and I couldn't stop myself. This isn't the entire story but it looks like too much just as it is. thank you for putting up with it. I don't know where else I can go to get this off my chest. thanks.

Yes, I read it and Im sad for you, Sounds like hes complicating his mental problums with alcohol drinking ,I only am saying that because he sounds like some one I know.yes,you need some time alone ,your nerves arnt going to be able to take this much longer anyway.

He should have been admitted to the hospital. You did all you could but ultimately it is up to him to fiwuer out he is sick and needs meds. You can't force anyone to take meds. He has to realize his thoughts are irrational. You did more than enough to help him. I use to ask my husband everynight why he didn't love me. Now I realize it is irrational. He would leave if he didn't love me.

I can totally relate to your situation. I've been with my ex off and on because he was physically abusive when we first met. He's paranoid schizophrenic, and tells me he hears voices, and tells me the devil's trying to get to him. I know how hard it is to try and get over someone like this. You think about the good times and how you'd like it to be like that more often. I've known my ex and have been off/on for 8 years. I'm in the same boat as you. I cry sometimes because i don't know how to help him. I, myself suffer from depression. Prozac has worked for the last 12 years for me. I couldn't live without it. I can't help with your question, but i can let you know that i'm there with you. I hope it gets easier for you.

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