His sign language consists of more, ready to eat, drink, all done, and we're working on please and thank you.

He still loves to stand at the windows and look for birds, it's more fun now that charlie has joined in on the fun. He always gasps with excitement when we turn on the Christmas tree lights. He loves to play with the balls from his ball pit, his play hammer and nail set from Papa, and carrying around his shoes. His love for climbing makes me a nervous nelly. I'm slowly learning to just let him be a boy and not freak out over every little tumble.

One thing I have been SUPER excited about, he is snuggling once again. When he turned 6 months, he just stopped letting me snuggle and hold him, he was just too busy. Over the last few weeks, he has actually fallen asleep on my chest several times and I am LOVING it! He loves to give kisses, high fives, and loves to wrestle with Daddy. Little A loves to just get wild with him, it's pretty entertaining to watch.

He has 4 teeth on top, 2 on bottom with 2 molars working their way in. He still has to gave a banana with breakfast, he points to the fruit bowl and signs "ready to eat". We're still working our way through the picky phase of not wanting to try vegetables. He still loves spaghetti, yogurt, all meat, and all fruits. Before we eat, we say "Little A, let's pray" and he clasps his little hands together and waits.

Friday, November 1, 2013

My Dearest Little A,

I have decided to write you a letter every year on your birthday. I know it will be hard to put into words all the emotions I have but here we go....

I can't tell you how many nights I spent crying, praying 1 Samuel 1:27, wanting and longing for a baby. On November 2nd, my dream came true. The moment they laid you on my chest, I knew my world would forever be changed. I never knew I could love someone so much. At 5:31 AM, the world became so much sweeter. Because of you, I have found a new passion for life, a new sense of joy, purpose and you have opened a whole new part of my heart.

Watching you grow, change, and become your own little person has been such an incredible journey that I am BEYOND thankful to be a part of. We always tell everyone you have been the perfect first baby. You have never had a hard time adjusting to anything, moving to your own room, no problem, weaning from nursing, piece of cake. Sleeping has always been smooth sailing as well, your 12 hours at night plus 2 naps during the day makes me do a happy dance. Eating is getting a little tricky due to your sudden burst of being picky when it comes to veggies but I'm learning ways around it. Daddy thinks it's funny that you always go for the meat first and want more of it, man's man already.

You never cease to amaze me with your intelligence, creativity, and sweet spirit. You can just melt my heart with one of your little smiles and kisses. You are so thoughtful already, whether it's sharing your snacks with daddy, helping me throw stuff away (my cellphone included a few times), or just stoping what you're doing to give me a kiss. It makes me oh so happy that you love books, AND you love to grab our books, and just fan the pages just like me. You inherited daddy's love for the outdoor, you cry when it's time to come in. You could just walk in the grass, picking up leaves and looking for birds all day long.

You always hear people talking about teaching their children things, but it's often overlooked what children teach their parents. Some of the things you have taught me thus far : Joy in the simple things. You make me slow down, notice the little things like the bird in the tree outside the window, the flower beside the car, and just being outside. Because of you, I appreciate the beauty of things that would go unnoticed if it weren't for your smile and little finger pointing. Purpose. Everyone has a calling right? I had a hard time trying to figure out what mine was. Being your mommy brings me so much completeness, makes me feel whole. It's cliche but I feel "full" in a place I never knew was empty.

When I dreamt of having children, I always thought I knew what I deemed "perfect". When I met you, I realized my idea of perfect was a huge understatement to the amazing little person you are. My wildest dreams could have never imagined you up, with your quirky little attitude and your precious little facial features. You blow my mind every single day. I will never get over the fact that God chose ME, of all the people in the world, to be your mommy. I count it a blessing, even days when I've picked up the same toys 600 times, and I have found more grey hair (YIKES), I go to sleep every night excited for the next day with you.

SO my littlest love, cheers to surviving our first year, I think daddy & I figured out parenting (just kidding, do you ever figure it out?), well figured out a system that works for us 3. You have been the most incredible baby, and we couldn't be more excited for the next year, and every one after that. The best year of our lives, credit goes to you our sweet Little A. We love you more than you will ever know <3

Monday, October 14, 2013

Little A is 11 months old and boy oh boy, he is doing SO much these days!

He started walking 2 days before he turned 11 months, not just a couple steps, but full on walking!

His vocabulary consists of mama, dada, thank you (so cute, just started yesterday), dog (which sounds more like dawg-a), nose (nooooooeee), bird (bir-bir).

He is signing more, all done, and shaking his head no.

His favorite things to do are stand on the baseboard heaters (don't worry they aren't usable anymore) look out the window to find bir-bir and says "caawwww" like a crow. He loves to turn off the lights when we leave a room, play with his books, carry around my decorative pumpkins from Michaels. Now that Little A can walk, he has to constantly be doing it, he is ALWAYS on the go. He will give kisses if you ask him for one, unless he is grumpy, then he has no love. Understandable.

His favorite foods are bananas, any kind of bread (toasts, muffins, biscuits, corn bread), meat, especially chicken but he won't eat it fried (can he truly be called a baptist then?). His veggie likes seem to be shrinking but we are working on that. He loves greek yogurt and all fruit.

Little A went on his first pumpkin patch trip which he absolutely loved. Playing in the corn and carrying his baby pumpkin were his favorites, along with kettle corn.

First birthday plans are in the works. We have the invitations designed, plans made, tears waiting to be shed. No but seriously, I can't believe how fast this past year has gone by. We have loved every single minute and are so thankful to have our sweet boy.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

I watched it with tears rolling down my cheeks and goosebumps on my arms.

I'm going to be so honest, expose my truth, be vulnerable with my words and feelings because God is telling me to.

I came from a broken home. My parents divorced when I was in 3rd grade. I have 1 happy memory of my parents interacting as a couple. One. It involved my dad chasing my mom through the house, they were both laughing, tickling, smiling, hugging. The other memories of them as a couple consisted of arguing, tears, yelling, hurt, and pain.

Divorce hurts everyone involved. As a child, I blamed myself, thinking I caused the fights, that if I was a better child, my parents would get along. That if I was "enough", I could be the glue that held my family together.

Those hurts you experience when you don't fully understand, they turn to scars, callouses, painful construed perceptions of marriage.

I was raised in church, "got saved" when I was 5 (I say that with quotes because at that point in my life, I said a prayer that was led by my sunday school teacher, I don't think I fully understood or grasped salvation). As a young teenager, I struggled so immensely with this feeling of inadequency. I looked for something to make me feel whole. I tried to fill the void with boys, inappropriate relationships, music, movies, anything to make me feel something. Guess what? It left me feeling even emptier. I used to spend a ton of time in my room, alone, listening to music, writing in a journal. I had 6 journals that I filled throughout my teenage years. Those pages were home to words of pain, feeling alone, misunderstood, empty, and anger.

I was a pro at putting on a happy face, acting like everything was ok, that I didn't need anyone or anything. In my mind, everyone would let you down, fail you, hurt you, then leave you. I would trust no one, not give anyone the chance to hurt me.

I went to church, sat through service after service, like a stone. Not wanting to absorb anything, listen to a single word, or sing a single note of a praise song. Why? In my mind, God had abandoned me. He let my family fall apart, He ignored my prayers and pleas when I was just a small child, He had forgotten me, so I would return the favor.

Want to know something awesome about God? He NEVER gives up. He keeps on keeping on. It wasn't until I went to a Christian Youth Conference in Tennessee that I truly 100% accepted the gift of salvation with full understanding of my sin and need for Jesus. Things got better, BUT I still struggled.

I still had anger in my heart. I could not for the life of me grasp that in God's eyes, I was worth dying for. I knew He loved me, I just couldn't understand why He would love someone like me? Didn't he know how broken I was? I was damaged goods.

It was about 2 years after I got saved that God broke my walls down. It was this life changing night that I will never forget. Alone in my room, getting ready for the next day, God spoke so clearly to me saying "Kirstin, you are Mine! I would die for you again and again. I love you more than you will ever understand. You are ENOUGH, you always have been. I have forgiven you, forgive yourself. You are made whole in Me." That night, I destroyed those journals, God had forgiven me for my selfishness, my anger. I no longer wanted Satan to have that hold on my heart.

In my attempt to feel whole with things of the world, I gained wounds. Those wounds are healed, they are scars. They no longer hurt, but they are a reminder to me of the pain I brought upon myself, and the healing that Christ brought me through Himself. I still struggle sometime with regret, feeling stupid about choices I made. They are painful memories, but I decided that night several years ago to give my mess to Christ so he could turn it into a message.

Girls, LISTEN to this video, to me, to what God is telling you. NO BOY could ever make you whole, no amount of music, movies, friends, drugs, alcohol or whatever you struggle with will ever be enough to fill that void. A man named Jesus suffered a horrific gruesome death FOR YOU. He loves you that much. Think about that for a minute.

A whole life, one filled with forgiveness, freedom from your sins, joy, a best friend, and more love than you could ever fathom is waiting for you. All you have to do is accept it. Jesus is waiting to pick you up, dust you off, tell you He loves you, and hold your hand through every single minute of your life. The best part? Death isn't the end, it's the beginning. He loves you so much, He wants to spend ETERNITY with you in Heaven.

Take it from me, a life without Jesus is empty, it has no purpose.There are no "damaged goods" in His eyes, no one is beyond His repair. He made your heart, of course He can fix it.

Be made whole in Him, His love and forgiveness. You are MORE than enough.

Friday, August 30, 2013

I love being a mom. I mean I REALLY love being a mom. What's not to love about having a squishy baby face to kiss whenever you want? Motherhood has been a beautiful journey so far. I tried to mentally prepare myself for it when I found out I was pregnant. I was prepared for the sleepless nights, the diapers, the chaos, the exhaustion, and all the body fluids from my little love. One thing never seemed to cross my mind, losing myself.

I have promised to devote every fiber of my being to raise Little A the way God wants me to, love him with all of my heart, be there to kiss every boo-boo, scare away the monsters, be his comfort when he is sick, and do any thing and every thing necessary. All of that comes with a price. I am no longer just Kirstin. Little A and I are a package deal, where I go, he goes. I have been forever changed by this little miracle baby, and for that, I am eternally grateful. The beautiful tragedy of this, I will never again be "just me". My heart is living in 2 bodies now. If I ever decided to give up on being a mom, I could walk away and quit, but I would forever be half of a heart wandering around.

If you met me several years ago, my introduction probably would have gone something like this "Hi, my name is Kirstin. I love to read, stay up late, drink coffee, go shopping, go running, have girls nights, hang out with my handsome hunk of a hubby, and be surrounded by my loved ones." I still enjoy those things, but I don't feel like that's what described me best anymore. I am a follower of Christ, a wife totally in love with her husband, and a mom to the cutest blue eyed baby boy in the world (yes, I checked, Little A has the title).

I never knew loss of identity was such a common thing in motherhood, until I became one, felt guilty about it, and started talking to other mommy friends. Guess what? There is no guilt or shame in it sister. It's ok to mourn the loss of your "old self", it's normal. But don't forget to be thankful for "the new you" that comes with maturity, selflessness, a bigger appreciation for the small things, and more love than you will know what to do with.

It's a beautiful thing, dying to self to become new. I am a mommy, I will always and forever be a mommy. Nothing could ever change that, even if, God forbid, something happened to my sweet boy, I have put on the cloak of motherhood which can never be removed. It's an eternal thing, something that grows in your heart, something that never dies.

So, to the "old Kirstin", the years we had were fun and free, but I must bid you adieu. I am still trying to navigate my way through motherhood and discovering the "new me", it's all a journey, and a beautiful one at that.

Friday, August 2, 2013

My little love bug is 9 months old. Doesn't seem real, and yes I have already started gathering ideas for his first birthday party. I think the excitement of planning a party just for him is the only reason I am not a total basket case at the thought of no longer having an infant (insert heavy sigh).

He has changed SO much over the past few months. He is so active, happy, MOBILE, and into E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.!

Little A has been crawling for a few months, but he is now crawling with his belly off the floor, every now and then he brings the good ol' Army crawl back out. He can pull himself to a standing position without wobbling. He loves to hold on to the coffee table and walk around it. He will let go and balance himself for a few seconds before carefully sitting back down, we are SO close to having a little WALKING boy, oh my heart just races thinking about it.

Teething has been a nightmare. Getting his two front bottom teeth was not bad at all, but the top two, holy scream fest! He has been running a temperature, broken out in his first diaper rash (thankful we are just now facing diaper rash), and been super fussy. He just gnaws on everything and cries, cries, cries, breaks my heart. BUT they have finally broken through the skin so hopefully, the worst is over.

He says "mama", "dada", "uh-oh", and "no" is a new one. He is constantly jabbering up a storm. He loves to throw food from his high-chair tray and say "uh-oh" with an innocent look on his face.

His routine has changed quite a bit. He goes to sleep usually around 8pm, sleeps until 5:30, nurses, then back to sleep until 8am. He takes a nap around 11:30, sleeps for any where from 1 and a half hours to 2 and a half hours. He usually takes another short nap around 4, lasting about an hour.

He is eating mainly solid foods. He isn't picky at all. His favorite breakfast is half of a homemade whole wheat blueberry muffin, yogurt, and a banana. He LOVES all fruit and would eat it all day every day if I let him. Spaghetti is definitely one of his favorites. He has tried cows milk and loved it. He is only nursing 3 times a day now, early morning, late afternoon, and right before bed time. I thought I would be sad about it, but it's actually been nice for both of us. He isn't a fan of sitting still long enough to nurse more than he does and it gives me a little more freedom.

Little A enjoys the nursery at church and now (after a few cry sessions) the gym nursery too. He is a very social baby and likes to play with other babies.

Veggie tales can make Little A stop dead in his tracks. It's pretty much the only movie he will actually watch, which doesn't bother me in the least bit. He starts clapping and smiling when he hears the theme song.

Stats:

Weight - 17 pounds 14 ounces (10th percentile)

Length - 27 inches ( percentile)

Head circumference-

Diaper size - 3

Clothes size - Just started wearing 9 month clothes, the pants are too big, so he is mainly wearing size 6 month pants.

Favorites- Walking holding on to things, being outside, Veggie Tales, eating, and playing with Daddy

Mommy's favorite moment/s this month- He now will grab one of his books, crawl over to me, and sit still while I read it. I'm SO thankful he is enjoying reading!

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Ironic:

Adjective

1. Happening in the opposite way to what is expected, thus typically causing wry amusement

I'm a people pleaser. If I think I have even remotely hurt your feelings, I will most likely cry.This is a curse and blessing. It's good to be sensitive to other's feelings and opinions, but it's a curse to drive yourself nuts by trying to make everyone happy.

Being that I am a people pleaser, it's hard for me to share my heart a lot of times in fear of rejection, disapproval from my peers, and just flat out judgement and criticism. Here's the irony in possesing this beautiful character trait, er, flaw?

This blog.

At first, I didn't want to continue blogging. I feel my posts are boring, dull, and my writing skills need a serious polish job. So I stopped, for a long time, until I had Little A. I was encouraged to get back in the swing of writing to keep family and friends in the loop of things with him (which I haven't posted as much as I should). So I started blogging with the thought that all posts would be baby related.

Ready for more irony? I felt God leading me into writing personal things (*gasp* you mean share my heart? put it out there to be judged?), verses He gives me, words of encouragment, thoughts He reveals to me. At first, I was super hesitant. After some serious nudging, this post came about. And you know what, I got a few e-mails from people thanking me for it, saying it was exactly what they needed to hear. The even more amazing thing? The credit is God's and God's alone. It isn't mine. He gave me that post, I simply submitted to the nudging of typing it out, finally, after several nudges.

When I am hesitant to writing something He laid on my heart for fear of disapproval or less than pleased readers, I could be withholding the very encouragement someone needs. Fear of failure holds the #7 spot on the list of the top 10 fears in the world. Pretty rational fear right? What is your fear? What is God asking you to do that you aren't because of this fear? Take heed to the nudging, breathe, and trust God.

"For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." - Isaiah 41:13

Monday, June 10, 2013

Little A is 7 months (and a few days) old!

This will be a quick post to just keep record of a few milestones.

He has been successfully been sitting up sans wobble for a couple of weeks. He prefers to sit up rather than lay, especially in the bath. If he is laying, he is rolling. He can roll across a room so fast, it's crazy. He has serious speed. He is getting on his hands and knees and rocking. He has gone backwards a few times, and inched forward a couple of times. He is SO close to crawling which makes me excited, sad, nervous, and anxious all at the same time.

He is still breastfed. He eats fruits or veggies at breakfast and dinner. He isn't picky, the only thing he doesn't like are grapes and green beans. He loves all fruits we have tried so far. The only new fruit we have added in the past few weeks is blueberries.

He is SO talkative and friendly. He loves to smile, people watch, and talk to anyone who will listen.

This month has a few changes / firsts.

Mr. J is away at his first extended training with the army since deployment. 2 weeks. It doesn't seem like long to a lot of people, but once you go through deployment, anything longer than 3 days and you immediately go into "deployment mode" where you feel like it will be ages before you see them again. We're only on day 3 and Little A is seriously missing daddy. Mr. J calls at night and I put it on speaker. Little A looks at the phone, then at me, then the phone and just grins. He loves his daddy.

We moved into a new house. I am so excited. It's a cute little house with an awesome yard. We love it and its closer to the PD which makes it easier for Mr. J.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Half of a year.

Wait, are you sure?

Yes sir, Little A is 6 months old.

He had his check-up, got T.H.R.E.E. unmerciful shots, and has changed SO much.

He is so so so vocal. Whenever he wakes from his naps or in the morning, I always go into his room and say "HIIIIIIII" in a really high mommy-like voice. He is now mimicking me right back when I say it, seriously the cutest thing ever.

He has been eating home-made baby food for about 3 weeks (our pediatrician recommended not making it a watered down puree, but just mashing it up like crazy and letting him play with tiny pieces) and so far he likes avocados, cantaloupe, bananas, apples, sweet potatoes, corn, carrots didn't impress him much and he really doesn't like green beans or grapes.

He loves to drink water from my Brita bottle still. If he can see it, he is trying to grab it.

He rolls over both ways and has for a while now but these days, if he is laying down, he is rolling constantly. When Little A is in his car seat, he always tries to pull the shade down, like all the way down to his feet. He has pulled it out of place a few times. We hear this "click click click click" look in the mirror and you can see his little grinning face over the shade while his toes are rubbing it.

Every evening when Mr. J gets home from work, he lays Little A on the bed, kneels in the floor and Little A starts the "inspection" as we call it. He has to grab, pinch, rub, and stare at every inch of Mr. J's face. Feet have now joined the process as Little A wraps his feet around Daddy's neck.

Little A went to the church nursery for the first time 2 weeks ago. He always does well during church, but as he is more vocal, it's harder for us to pay attention and for the people around us to hear. I was extremely nervous about taking him for the first time, he has never been in the care of anyone else besides us and our parents, but I trusted the workers. He did fantastic. They said he really enjoyed watching the other kids and he was playing with toys and didn't cry at all. Phew, relieved mama moment.

Little A can sit up if I put him in the position, he is still a little wobbly, mainly because he sees something and just lunges straight for it. If he holds your fingers, he can pull himself up. He still prefers to be standing, his legs are so strong. He is trying to crawl. He gets his knees under him and kind of rocks a little bit and has scooted backwards. He is so close to figuring it out.

His night time routine has changed a little. He no longer wants to be rocked or will allow it. He gets a bath, gets lotioned up, dressed, prayer, eats, and then completely straightens his body out so it's almost impossible to even hold him, so rocking is a no go. We lay him down awake, he grabs his paci and his blanket, rolls on his side and off to sleep he goes.

We are still doing sign language, he now smiles when we sign, especially if I ask him if he is hungry.

He is still such a happy baby and "talks" to most people. I think it's unbearably precious though when someone is talking to him and he gets bashful and buries his face in my shoulder.

He started saying "mamamama" a few days ago, he usually says it if I walk out of the room for a second or when he gets mad. I just crumble when I hear it.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

If you haven't, please listen before reading. If you have, please listen again before reading.

This song hit me like a ton of bricks. I have heard it several times, but on our way home from Tennessee, it came on the radio and I got chills.

The chorus,

"She says I don't know

I don't know what you're doing

But I know who you are"

It seems like lately, several things have happened to my family, friends, and our world.

I don't know why my best friend of 20 years just had her second surgery to remove her thyroid due to cancer at the young, healthy age of 20. Which by the way, she is still praising God for her health and His goodness, seriously, this girl's faith is admirable.

I don't know why my cousin found out 1 week before her 16th birthday that she has stage 3 hodgkin's lymphoma. She still had a party and celebrated her birthday with family even though she went through a grueling bone marrow test that morning. She still has a smile on her face and is trusting God.

I don't know why people who went to compete in the Boston marathon were victims of a bombing. People lost their lives, innocent people, at the hands of someone filled with hate.

"You have a father's heartAnd a love that's wildAnd you know what it's like to loseYeah you know what it's likeWhat it's like to lose a child"I have 2 babies. One laying beside me, Little A, and one in heaven who I only carried for 10 weeks. I don't know why God's plan called for those 10 weeks with my first baby who I will only meet in Heaven. But I rest easily in knowing it was part of His plan, not just a random event. It was for a purpose, a purpose that will bring glory to God. I have peace in that, and that God knows the sting of losing a child.

I don't know why these things are happening or have happened, but what I do know is that God is faithful. I'm not questioning Him, I am in no position to demand answers. The second line in the chorus, "I don't know what you're doing", comforts my heart. No matter what is going on, God is DOING something. He is active, moving, working, being sovereign.

We may not understand God's plan, but we can rest easily in knowing who God is. The God walking my best friend through her surgeries, the God helping my sweet cousin through chemo is the same God who parted the Red Sea for Moses. He is the same God who healed the blind, who hung on Calvary, and who gave Hannah a child.

When buying a new product, a lot of times, you do research and read the reviews. Well grab your bible and look at God's reviews. Seriously, He scores a 5 star rating every. single. time. El Shaddai (Lord God Almighty)El Elyon (The Most High God)Adonai (Lord, Master)Yahweh (Lord, Jehovah)Jehovah Nissi (The Lord My Banner)Jehovah-Raah (The Lord My Shepherd)Jehovah Rapha (The Lord That Heals)Jehovah Shammah (The Lord Is There)Jehovah Tsidkenu (The Lord Our Righteousness)Jehovah Mekoddishkem (The Lord Who Sanctifies You)El Olam (The Everlasting God)Elohim (God)Qanna (Jealous)Jehovah Jireh (The Lord Will Provide)Jehovah Shalom (The Lord Is Peace)Jehovah Sabaoth (The Lord of Hosts)"Those who know your name trust in you,for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you."- Psalms 9:10