The One Where I Feel Like Crap on a Cracker and Don’t Know What to Write so I Ramble about Sad-Sack Shit

I wanna write something here. I really do. I have a real craving to sit down and blog. But nothing is coming to me. Nothing. I’m also having trouble reading, focusing on words and keeping them in memory long enough to properly process what I’ve read. And that’s upsetting, because I deeply value what I’ve found here: the solace and camaraderie of this community are pretty fucking epic. I can only hope that this shithouse feeling will pass.

Look at the little sack. Just fucking sitting there. Being sad. What a sad sack.

In the meantime, I’m gonna update you on mental health mumbo jumbo. (Dudes, I’m totally gonna belittle it and use words like “crazy.” Trust me when I say I know how deeply important it is to monitor and treat mental health issues. But I tend toward self-deprecation. Hell everything-deprecation. So yeah.) (I’m also in a kind of grrrr mood. Should I have led with that? I should have led with that.) (Wait, I kinda did with the title, huh?) (I mean, that whole “sad-sack” thing was kind of a dead giveaway.) (Please disregard these parentheticals.) (Someone come here and make me stop it.)

I grow weary of talking about depressing shit (I mean, depression is pretty fucking depressing, don’t ya think?) (And who wants to talk about that shit all the time? I sure as fuck don’t.). But right now, it’s what I’ve got: a big fat steaming pile of depressing shit. So I’m gonna update you and maybe (hopefully) get some of this worked outta my system. Where to begin, though? I guess there’s only one place to begin.

She’s the One They Call Dr. Feelgood

I followed through on the psychiatry appointment on December 21. And then she made me see her again on December 28. And now I have to see her again this Saturday, January 9.

The first appointment went a little something like this:

I show up fifteen minutes early, because that’s how I do.

Dr. Feelgood shows up forty-five minutes later (a half hour late to her own fucking practice hours).

Meanwhile, I suffer and ponder murder and pyromania, my rage significantly exacerbated by the concert-volume country music pumping through the speakers. “It has to be that loud sugar. How else’s people gon’ not hear each other’s sessions? This here’s a small office,” explained Rodeo Rhonda, chain-smoking, Wrangler-clad secretary extraordinaire. (It was clear whose turn it was to select the radio station that afternoon.)

I shared the waiting room with a fellow crazy person, who made me wonder what the fuck I was doing there. That crazy motherfucker changed seats at least once every five minutes, all the while yammering on ninety to nothin’ about how this bitch better not dare take him off his drugs. “I will turn that bitch’s desk over! I will throw a fit until she agrees that I know more about panic disorder than she does! She won’t take away my disability!” (This was his first session (with Dr. Feelgood), too, by the way. I don’t know much about panic disorder, but I’m pretty sure the dude was at least verging on panic – except he was super smiley and laughy. He was also pretty fucking nosy – he kept sticking his head to the wall and shushing me while he eavesdropped on Rodeo Rhonda and her conversations with the other patients trickling in. Also. He diagnosed me as Bipolar 1, since I was nervous and couldn’t stop bouncing my leg and fidgeting. He declared me manic and told me what drugs to ask for. (Don’t worry. I didn’t lend that any credence.))

After two other patients had been called into see Dr. Feelgood before either of us, Panicky Pete had a moment of clarity. “Hey! What time was your appointment for?!” “Mine was supposed to be 4:00,” I returned. He started laughing and (literally) smacked himself in the forehead. “Lemme guess, yours was for 4:00 as well?” Yep. Turns out, not only were both of us scheduled for 4:00, but so were the two people who ended up being seen ahead of us. They were established patients – and they get seen first, no matter who shows up first or what your appointment time was. Nice, right?

She was pretty quick with them, and then spent a good half hour with a drug rep. I was pretty fucking wound up by this point. And none too keen on the woman in whose hands I was about to place my mental health. (I will add here, about Panicky Pete, that I’m thankful for him. I would not have waited an hour and a half had he not kept me occupied and chatted-up. My anxiety was fierce enough to propel me right out the front door, that is until he started talking to me.)

After a solid hour and a half wait, it was my turn.

I didn’t get to say a lot – well, that’s not exactly true. Uhm. I didn’t get to do much free-talking. She had her forms and checklists, and she asked lots of questions. In my replies to her, I was essentially able to share everything I’d hoped to be able to share with a counselor (except the self-harm – I just reread that post, and that’s the one thing I see that didn’t get mention).

I had to fight her a lot harder than the counselor, to keep from being hospitalized. But I prevailed. And she finished a forty-five minute session with diagnoses. And drugs. I’m not sure how I feel about any of it.

Yeah. That’s a fuckton of drugs, yo. A fuckton. And, as I said, I’m not sure how I feel about any of it. But to keep my ass from being admitted to a psych ward, I had to agree to take the drugs.

I took the drugs.

The second appointment went a little something like this:

Dr. Feelgood asked whether I was feeling better. I informed her that I was not. And that I was actually even more tired than before, and still depressed and crying and magnetized to my bed.

Dr. Feelgood says, “hmmmm.”

I informed her as well that I was having major sleep disturbances, same as I had when I was on Cymbalta. I wake up all throughout the night, sometimes hourly, sometimes with difficulty falling back asleep.

Dr. Feelgood says, “hmmmm” and ups the Clonidine and writes new prescriptions for two more weeks of the drugs.

No mentions are made of hospitalization this time, and she says she can wait two weeks to see me this time, instead of one. But y’all, I can’t fucking afford to keep this up. Not only the cost of Dr. Feelgood’s appointments, but also the fucking lab work that she says I’ll have to regularly submit to for monitoring Lithium levels.

The third appointment is this Saturday. In the meantime, I still feel like shit. In some ways, I feel a lot fucking worse.

Drugged-Up Stephanie Feels Drugged-Up (Surprise Surfuckingprise.)

Bitchplaint #1 (I couldn’t decide between bitching and complaining. Hence bitchplaint.) Anyway, Bitchplaint #1: Lithium. I didn’t wanna take Lithium. I still don’t wanna take Lithium. I don’t think I need Lithium. I’ve never. EVER. Had full-blown mania. Seriously. NEVER. And I told her that. Now I realize that Lithium can be used to treat more than Bipolar I, but I still don’t think I need it.

Bitchplaint #2: My hand is shaking. A lot. Like, I dropped a glass of water in the kitchenette at work yesterday, because my hand jerked.

Bitchplaint #3: I haven’t had a full night of sleep since December 21. And I’m sick to death of waking up multiple times a night.

Bitchplaint #4: I’m fucking tired. And not just tired from lack of sleep, but lethargic. I could pass out at my desk. Right. Now. And in the rare moments when I feel well-rested (snort…that’s funny), I just feel this general lethargy and malaise. Kinda goes hand in hand with giving even less of a fuck about anything now than before I was drugged.

Bitchplaint #5: I’m dazed and confused (sing it!), and sometimes dizzy. Y’all would not believe how long this is taking me to write.

Bitchplaint #6: I finafuckingly got the edema from arthritis under control. And guess the fuck what – I’m swelling like a motherfucker from something I’m taking. And who knows what, since she threw five drugs at me at once!

Bitchplaint #7: I know you’re supposed to give these things time. But fucking fuck fuck! It’s been like three weeks now. And I still feel like hot buttered shit. Worse, in a lot of ways. When do I get to start feeling better? Or, hell, at least back where I was!

Bitchplaint #8: This probably goes back in with #4. But fuck it, we’re here now. I’m committed to #8. Hi #8. This one is that I’ve cracked maybe half a dozen real smiles or laughter since December 21. Some things have amused me, intellectually. Like, “Hey, this is hilarious. I love this kinda shit.” “P.S. Why the fuck aren’t you laughing? Laugh! LAUGH!” Nope. Not happening. And that is perhaps the most unbearable one of all.

Between now and Saturday morning, I’ll come up with some eloquent way of expressing my concerns to Dr. Feelgood. Crossing my fingers she listens.

~

To top it all off, last Thursday (as in: seven days ago, AKA NYE) I was hit with one of the more severe migraines I’ve had in a while. I’ve had daily (not kidding) headaches since I was little. Sometimes they turn into migraines. My father said, “a head like that’s supposed to hurt.” My mother filled me with Tylenol and, when that stopped working, Excedrin Extra-Strength. Daily. Multiple times a day. Fast-forward to now, and I still live like that. Managing headaches. Trying my best not to take BC powders (which I graduated to a few years ago), because I know they’re bad for me. Then ending up in tears at work, so I buckle and take one.

Well, last Thursday I was waylaid with the migraine from hell. And I spent the next four days in bed. The rest of Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday. I took nothing for my head in all that time. I just lay in the dark, crying and thinking decapitation would be an improvement. I had to call in to work on Monday, which I simply do not do. Since it hadn’t abated at all, I went to my doctor. He had his nurse administer two shots (one of which nearly made me faint, for realsies), then prescribed some pills. I don’t even really know what they are, just that they don’t work. Which, I suppose, is all that matters.

So, here I am seven days later, with a headache from hell. It still hasn’t gone away, though it has (somewhat) lessened in severity.

This shit is not improving my mood.

~

So Dr. Feelgood better not give me any lip on Saturday! Because I’ll! I’ll! Crumble.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll tell y’all about the MRI. But only if you behave. Which remains to be seen.

~

This post brought to you by:

Lithium. Say it with me, boys and girls. Lithium! Hooray!

And thecheekyhousewife, who prompted me to dig into my draft and get this bitch done. Because it’s been like a week since I posted! Y’all go check her out. Anyone with a tagline that reads, “Bend Over And Grab Your Ankles, 2016. You’re About To Get Spanked.” is a worthy read indeed!

Lithium was, at one time, a distinct possibility for me; however, the hospital psychiatrist who ended up seeing me during my first hospitalization saved me from that god-awful script! Anyway, he put me on Depakote, saying it was newer and safer. I looked it up on the Net and everything I read confirmed that, so you might want to think about asking Dr. Feelgood about replacing the Lithium with Depakote… Never hurts to ask, especially if it could mean something better, safer, and a whole lot easier on your liver! Anyway, all the best to you!

This whole situation and circumstance
With depression, and your body
Is not an easy one
I’ve lived with with more than my share
One of my daily exercises is allow myself 62 minutes in my head
It’s a minute per according to your age
One of the worst things I can do is listen to my head
It takes a lot of patience to be able to work within the system
Especially when your in pain
Stay proactive and never ever give in or up
I’ve been on many sides of the fences
You never want to go down a road that you can’t find your way
Back
Look I’m going to level with all of you because
You haven’t read my earlier posts
I am a suicide survivor
Trust me I know pain
But I also know there is a lite that shines everyday I see the Sun
It will get strange and unusual you just don’t want it to get unusually strange
I have had my say
I hope it helps
Stay strong
Stay focused
And above all peace
The Sheldon Perspective

Sounds like more then one different anti depressant in here, man ‘Murica love to prescribe unnecessary medication. When you start taking the same class of drugs, they start to interact and cancel each other out, I’ve been told this from a range of 6 people either doctors or psychiatrists. I’m living proof of that with them giving me 2 different types of anti depressants at once, it gave me drug induced Bipolar, the one that doesn’t fit in the 2 categories. Lithium can be dangerous if you don’t take it properly, but it’s not all bad. It got me through a couple of years feeling dead inside, but hey, that was a lot better then full of anxiety and struggling with pain. It’s not a medication you want to stay on forever, but it’s one that can even out the moods enough to help future medications work better, but no one likes the blood tests that come with it. I get headaches on a regular basis too, must be stress heads. I struggle with drug tolerance for painkillers, I lived off them for years and years. The only advice I can give to that is in the weaker headache times, try not to take anything. It sucks but can make small improvements to your tolerance level. And man its also so harsh that they’re so easy to hospitalise people like that! You need someone to actually think about a decent combination of meds, 3 at the most is good enough, I’ve known schizophrenics that talk to jesus and such that take less meds then that! Good med combo and some intensive therapy. If you’re not feeling better, tell her you don’t. If she tries to hit back with but this has helped other people, tell her that everyone is different and reacts differently, might be doing more harm then anything.

Dead inside. That’s a good way of putting how I’m feeling right now. Because on the one hand, I’m not sobbing or visualizing my death anymore. But on the other hand, I’m not smiling or laughing or giving a single shit about anything at all.

This is tons of meds, right? I didn’t think I was crazy to think so! I went in expecting two, tops. Five blew me away and is wreaking all kinds of havoc on me.

I’ll do my best to level with her Saturday. I think I need to take a handwritten note of reminders and not leave until I’ve addressed my concerns.

One of every type is sufficient enough like, one anti depressant, one mood stabiliser, one anti psychotic, one anti anxiety, even then that’s pretty overkill. I’m not saying I’m a psych or anything, but your psych should be thinking of your health first, not the clear added money from peddling certain medications. That shits not gonna help you feel more functional, I know the ptsd is better improved with THERAPY not pills. Talk to her about stepping down safely off a couple, research all you can.

Thank you, Kim. This stuff really helps me, especially seeing as I didn’t really know anything about the different types of mood medications until I read about it on blogs.

Her office definitely feels like a money mill – once you’re an established patient, she spends about ten minutes with you just to update her paperwork and string you along with short scrips to make you have to come back soon.

I think the Vistaril is an easy one – based on the (admittedly few) things I’ve read, it’s useless for anxiety at the dose I’m on. Which would help explain why I still hid when someone (probably my neighbor) knocked on the door earlier!

If you don’t trust her to do the right thing by you, if you can, try find somewhere else, even if you have to wait a fair while, that might be better in the long run. Trust your instincts, at the end of the day if you care enough about yourself to know you’re not right and need help, most likely the feelings you feel about things are correct.

The insurance company sent me to her, because she was the only one who could see me before the end of February or March. She was able to see me in December – and I was feeling pretty volatile at the time. But I definitely think I need to get back on the phone with insurance and find someone else. She seemed concerned – well, more concerned and attuned than the counselor. But at the end of it all, I think she’s just got a pill mill in there. And her fees are ludicrous.

It will always be painful to fight your brain for an appointment, I know and I feel for you. Sometimes that’s better then your organs failing from all the chemicals they’re unnecessarily pumping you with, you only get one body, all aspects of your health are important.

First, ohmygosh, I nearly lost your post. I hit some magic combination of keys that switched your comment to spam. Thank heavens I didn’t delete it!

Second, thank you for not presuming. But I’ll tell you now, and I mean it, I would very much welcome any advice you have about migraine prevention and management. I’ve tried really hard to reduce my rebound headaches. And I’m trying so so hard to stop with caffeine. Period. Cold turkey. Because I think a major caffeine binge over the course of a couple of weeks is what triggered the one I’m still coming off of. I don’t know that for certain, but I think it’s a pretty safe assumption with how much I was ingesting. I’m rambling, but I’m DEFINITELY interested. I’ve been to so many doctors about my headaches, since I was a kid. Bleh.

Is your email posted? I can send much more concise information that way. But to summarize: food eliminations, no caffeine, a few supplements, and nortriptylene (which started out its pharmaceutical career as an anti-depressant; I’ll explain the background of that particular drug in my email).

Some of the most common triggers are chocolate and alcohol. Refined sugars, MSG, garlic, and onions are primary offenders for me, personally. Environment (especially noise and lighting) can be a major impact, and the right vitamins work wonders. I’ll email you with more info.

Good morning! I don’t know if the email is posted (I should probably learn more by now!). But it’s stephellaneouswp@gmail.com. You are welcome any time.

You mentioned environment – I read the others, too! – and that struck me because of where I work. There are a lot of chemicals and stuff floating around in here. I didn’t realize how bad it was until I started noticing the chemical stench on my clothes after work. I know that’s not helping.

As for the rest, I need a diet makeover like…well, forever ago.

I’m gonna read that post you linked as soon as I get a chance. I’m eager to.

That seems incredibly abnormal to combine that many drugs at one time – I mean, I’m no psychiatrist, but I have a pretty solid concept of experimentation: you change ONE thing at a time (I knew I found a good doctor when he said he wouldn’t make more than one med change at a time so that we can make sure we know what’s doing what and such).
Anyway, you have every right to be pissed off and then some; I’d probably jump up and try to stab the bitch with a pen if I had a psychiatrist tell me I had that many different problems and then throw that many medications at me all at once! (Actually I did have a psychiatrist like that once; he diagnosed me with schizophrenia, bipolar, depression, adhd, and probably another two or three things I forgot… Needless to say, it didn’t take me all that long to find someone else.)
One thing I’ve learned from my many years of having drugs thrown in my face is that you can NEVER do too much research – read as much as you can on each drug (approved uses, what it does, etc), put everything into a drug interaction checker, and so on. It can be surprising what doctors overlook sometimes… I’m not saying go all Panicky Pete, but you do know your own body better than the doctor does, so it’s always good to also be informed about what exactly you’re putting in it.
Hopefully Dr. Feelgood comes to her senses and gives you a more reasonable set of drugs after all of those effects; at the very least, hopefully the terrible side-effects and constant headaches at least get better!

No, you’re definitely right. First I figured, like you, that she would go one at a time. Figure out what works or what my body will tolerate. Two, at most. But I left there, after meeting her for the first time in my life, with FOUR diagnoses and FIVE drugs. That just does not compute in my head.

I’ve done a fair amount of research on different mood disorders – only the ones I thought pertained to me. So she may not be too far off there. Except I’m not convinced about bipolar. I do fit the criteria, though, to a T. So maybe that’s appropriate as well.

However, what I have NOT researched AT ALL is medication for mood disorders. I know a bit about Lithium, which is why I went on the attack on it specifically. But the rest? No clue. I didn’t even know there was such a thing as drug interaction checkers. So thank you…I’ve got some homework to do.

Ah, five drugs is just so crazy; I mean, maybe a shady drug dealer would try to pull that, but a doctor? There are SO many potential disasters that could happen from that! (Just plugging those five into the checker on drugs.com, I’m actually even more shocked that a doctor would prescribe them all at the same time….)
I mean, over-diagnosing is one thing (bipolar or no bipolar, it still seems like when you get four diagnoses there’s a decent chance that they’re all actually symptoms of one or maybe two bigger conditions I’d think), but over-prescribing is just scary…
I’m glad my long relationship with drugs can be helpful in some way, though! (:

Thank you, Drew. It really does help to know that perhaps the only thing irrational about all of this (aside from her) is that I’m scared to be assertive about my own health. Like I’m scared to challenge her. But I need to try. I have to get past that.

Of course!
I think it’s really normal for people to feel intimidated by doctors (I mean, they have M.D. behind their name and we have a blank space, in most cases), so that’s nothing to feel bad about at all! (I even get intimidated by professors a lot because they have PhDs and my official credentials are “cat person”…) It’s something we just have to work hard to toughen up and take some time to prepare for (which sounds way too cliche, but I couldn’t think of how else to say it)

It may be cliche – but just like stereotypes, they exist for a reason. And some things just fit. You’re right. I have to toughen up. But I also have to work with the way I am – and knowing that if I go in unprepared, I absolutely without a doubt will express no concerns aside from feeling tired all the time. So, knowing I’m like that, I have to prepare – as you said – make my list, practice saying it, go over it in my head. It will increase the likelihood of follow-through.

Hehehe…”cat person” credentials. You know, I (mostly) wasn’t intimidated by my profs. Which was weird, because it’s exactly the kind of thing that normally gets me intimidated. I think I understood the relationship a bit better between teacher and student, than doctor and patient. Up until 2015, I didn’t have a shitton of experience with doctors. And they can be so brusque and abrasive, sometimes downright pushy. Many of the ones I’ve dealt with have commanding personalities…which is a surefire way to get Stephanie to cower in the corner and wait to be told what to do. I’m fighting it hard, because I know why I’m that way. But it’s hard to break lifelong patterns and beliefs.

Very true. After enough practice, it’ll pay off! A lot of the doctors I’ve seen have been pushy like that, too, but they’re usually responsive when you express concerns (and if they aren’t I’ve learned to take that as a sign to definitely find a new doctor).
“Cat person” is the best credential, I think, haha.
I’ve always been weird because I’ll be comfortable with a professor if they start talking to me first, but if they don’t then I get super intimidated by them, but I guess in the same way I never really had any experience actually talking to teachers until I was halfway through college… ^^;
I’ve been in and out of doctors offices for years, though, so I guess we must be opposites in that way :p

I share that cat person credential! They’re the bestest friends. Even when they judge me, they forgive me. 😉

I think the professor thing may have been different because I went back to school so late. And I got some pretty awesome feedback on a couple of my papers, and it helped me relax. I’d still panic over every little thing. Papers. Tests. You name it. But I usually felt pretty chill in class. I will say it wasn’t until about halfway through my first degree that I felt comfortable actually approaching them. By grad school, we were all chummy and shit. Mostly. Some of them. Even went to a bar and had drinks with some. Quelle horreur! I’d never do that now – I get worse and worse as I get older.

They really are! (: Plus, if my cat ever gets mad, all I need to do is pull out a treat and he goes right back to being my best friend, haha. (If only humans were that simple…)
That could be; I’ve always had trouble approaching people, but I never had issues just being in class and whatnot. A lot of it has to do with knowing that conventions for approaching people exist for different contexts, but I never for the life of me can figure out what they are or where they apply so I just assume I’m going to do it wrong before I even try… I guess I have gotten a bit better over the past year, at least in the school context, though. It just takes practice! (Okay, and some research and self-education… :p)

Hehehe you know something? I bet people could be that simple, oftentimes. I mean, have you ever tried giving a cookie to someone that was pissed with you? Probably not…because our expectations for humans are different. Even when our cats are little shits, we know they’re just…cats. So it’s okay to forgive and give em treats. But maybe…maybe I’ll start using baby talk and throwing human treats at the back of Queen Bitch’s head at work. See what happens. 😉

That would be an interesting experiment! You just have to make sure you know their favourite kind of cookie, because they’d probably just get twice as angry if it was a kind they didn’t like, haha.
Or, it’s also possible that the human treat method would cause so much confusion that it inadvertently works… who knows? :p

The ratio of worth a damn therapists is somewhere around 1 in 5000, with a fair percentage of those 5000 being toxic and dangerous( my own made up figures, but it seems correct) No competent therapist can go through a quick check list and determine the exact physiological condition of something as complex as the human brain in a 45 minute session.
A good rule of thumb is if you’re feeling like shit from a drug then it’s not working. Another rule is that if you tell the therapist this and she ups the dosage then she’s got an agenda that’s in conflict with your health.
Be careful, love yourself and remember you have the right to seek a different diagnosis.
Good luck and I’d like to mention that I think you’re a lovely soul.
Blessed be

I know there is nothing I can say that will make you feel better… but I wanted you to know that I’ve missed seeing you around and I’ve been a bit worried…. but I didn’t want to intrude because sometimes when I’m feeling really really bad, everything everyone says to me makes me want to punch them in the face. 🙂 I mean that in the nicest possible way.

I have been on quite a few depression and anxiety meds in my life — many did nothing for me. But… I always knew if a med was the one that didn’t work or the one that caused a particular side effect because I have never been prescribed more than one at once. I’ve been on more than one at a time (like now), but I started them separately… always.

Of course, every one of us is different and every Dr. is different. But I would think a psychiatrist should know enough that if you’re having anything that could be a side effect that’s impacting your life this way, they need to figure out which med or meds could be causing it. I wish I could be helpful… like, really specifically helpful. But I’m not a doctor…. I just play one on tv.

Anyway, I’m glad to “see” you. And sorry for rambling on without any real help. 😦

That’s a big problem for me, right there – I have noooo way of knowing which med or meds are causing adverse reactions. And which one (I suspect Lithium, but don’t really know) is making me feel even less interested in ANYTHING. Like really, I couldn’t give two fucks. I just caught myself rolling my eyes…AT MY SANDWICH. That shit ain’t right. 😀

I do agree that’s a problem. A big one. I don’t know if it will work, but I think you should ask the Dr. if you can take one med at a time, add a new one every couple of weeks so you can figure out which one(s) are responsible for the crap!

Dammit. I was gonna be the first to comment. I was close to being finished when my ipad turned off. Damn batteries that I have to charge all the damn time.
Enough about me. (for now)
So I haven’t read any body else’s advice. But mine’s pretty simple. Keep your head in the game at #7. I have a pharmacy up in my bathroom cabinet (see? about me already!) and that cocktail works for me and has been working for awhile. But it does take time. I hate time. Time sucks. But since our bodies need it, we gotta take it. 🙂

Also, quick question: why wouldn’t you want to be hospitalized? You don’t have to cook, clean, and you can pretty much hang out while the side effects burn through you while they adjust. Girlfriend, it seems like it would be like going on a cruise except you’re not responsible for the trashing the ocean. The crazy people? You’d still have to be around them on a cruise. Hell, you’re probably around them everyday!

I’m tryin’, I promise! I just wish I knew which one is causing adverse reactions (like major swelling that is starting to hurt). Maybe we could cut that one and be okay.

She wanted to hospitalize me because she was convinced I was about to eat a bullet (since I told her about suicidal ideation…). I told her I hadn’t done over the years I’ve struggled with such thoughts, but she wasn’t convinced. She wanted to put me on one of those 72-hour psych holds. But I wasn’t in immediate danger. I understand that she couldn’t really know that. She never mentioned it as a place to go to tweak meds!

Sigh. Ok. So I’m going to preface this response by saying that I don’t like to undermine a doctor’s diagnosis or prescriptions until I’m informed. BUT I will say that in your post there were some major red flags about this particular doctor.
Oh, by the way, I’m an lcsw. We’re bad asses. 🙂
That said, there were some pretty glaring issues with professionalism and commitment to client care.
1. Her coming in late. If she had a patient emergency than her secretary should have informed you the minute you walked in to let you know she’d be 30 min late. That would give you time to get the hell away from the loud music and the anxious dude who overshared and diagnosed you. Even though it worked out with him in the end, nobody should’ve had to endure that. That must have been a special experience. (I HATE when offices to the loud music thing, btw. Ever heard of white noise machines, idiots?) Sigh. Ok, moving on.
2. She chose to see a pharmaceutical rep before her patients. Serious red flag. Patient care, anyone? It may have been totally innocent but it just appears suspect.
3. Booking four deep when she knows that she has a new patient. New patients take time and yes, sometimes they don’t show up so I can understand 2 deep. But four? Yeah. No.

That said, I wanted to caution you too.
1. Some times when we feel uninformed or not comfortable our thoughts can move us in the direction of treatment interference. And it’s ok. We all do it. But if you’ve ever been diagnosed with borderline, then your feelings of vulnerability are heightened and interference is sometimes the safest response to the experience that you had. Just be award and be careful.
2. Ask her to teach you about the medications, give you handouts, and teach you about the interactions and why she prescribed them. Tell her it’s hard for you to ask, but with all these side effects (share all the side effects and don’t forget to tell her about the cutting 🙂 ) you have some anxiety about all of these medications. She’ll help you there.
3. Ask her if there’s any way you can start with less and add more if you need to.
4. Ok. This next one is a best kept secret that really shouldn’t be kept secret. 🙂 Pharmacists know more about meds than M.D.s do. And they’re awesome. So you know when the assistant asks you if you’d like to talk to a pharmacist about the meds? Tell her that you do have questions. Most pharmacists are frickin ass kickers when it comes to meds and educating patients about them. Compare her/his answers to your psychiatrist’s to see if they gel.
5. If they gel, then suck it up. 🙂
6. If they don’t or if there’s any other suspect issues, ask the pharmacist (conversationally) if there are any other meds that could address the same issue and mesh with the other meds but with less side effects. While Pharm D’s can’t prescribe, they can educate. And they do. Plus, most doctors listen to suggestions from Pharm Ds.

omg. I just wrote a book. Ignore this if it too chatty.
I wish you all the best. It sucks…..until it doesn’t. In the meantime, I’m here. 🙂

First, definitely not too chatty. It means a lot to me that you took time out of your life to share this information and advice with me. Thank you.

It was one of the last things you mentioned, so it’s on my mind first – I love my pharmacy. There are two full pharmacists there and several assistants. And they’re all wonderful. I asked one about these meds on December 21. I told her straight up, I’m scared to death. Is it normal and safe to go from zero to five scrips? Is this overkill? She looked each of them up and said they all treat different things and that some balance others. I didn’t ask more than that, but I felt somewhat reassured to try them. Not I’m not so sure. When I was on cymbalta, though, I explained my symptoms to them and they said do NOT go to the increased dose your doctor prescribed. Do the lower dose a little longer and see what happens. When I told them nothing improved, they told me to ween myself off of them despite the doctor telling me to stick with it. I love them!

Those 3 points you made about the doc made me so mad. Like you, it did occur to me that she may have had a patient emergency. She’s only moonlighting in her private practice. The bulk of her days are spent at a local hospital. But still. Someone could have told me. And I totally would have sat in my car to wait!

I definitely need to be more assertive. It’s one of my weakest points. Despite all my cursing and shit on here – and that’s still part of who I am – I present as very meek, mild, shy, wallflower, skittish, you get the idea. Only when I’m comfortable does the rest of me come out to play. And it’s hard to get me to that point.

But I do. I need to be more assertive and take charge of my healthcare. Assertive without being an asshole. I think it will help me a lot to make and take a list of my concerns. And lead with that when she calls me into her office. Hold up my little piece of paper, and say I’d like to talk about some concerns I have. Yeah. I can do that. (I’m getting fucking nervous just thinking about it.) I can do it.

Shit. I forgot. I had the appointment this morning. I didn’t mention the self-harm. It’s not cutting, exactly. It’s more like I tear at my skin with my nails. Sexy sexy. I didn’t have that on the sheet or the headaches that have gotten worse since the meds started.

She did immediately agree to take me off of lithium, for the hand tremors alone. She said I don’t need to ween, that I can just stop. I need to look it up and see if that’s true.

But she wants me to stay on everything else and even go up on the lexapro. Then she added a scrip for klonopin to the mix – for my severe anxiety, she says. I’ve heard some scary shit about klonopin. Not sure I wanna even fill that one.

Oh, um. I’m not that excited and it won’t be that fun. Right now. But I think this process is gonna get some satisfying results for you and those like us who care about you. 🙂 That part will be fun and is kinda exciting to think about.

I hadn’t thought about it before, but yes — I actually loved those days after I had each of my kids when I was in the hospital. I know it’s not the same as this at all. But there was always someone checking on me… taking care of me… bringing me whatever food I asked for from the cafeteria. (Honestly, I loved the club sandwich… I still think about it and I haven’t had one for 8 years…) I digress… but… I’m an adult — no one has taken care of me like that since I was a child. Kind of loved it. It can totally feel like a vacation….. from everything.

For what it’s worth, I was hospitalized for suicidal ideations in my early 20’s and it was HORRIBLE. I swear, I had PTSD following it. If you can avoid being hospitalized, do it. That was a really rough experience. Although, I will admit it was a little like a cruise in that there were large amounts of vomit like on those cruises where EVERYONE got sick, lol.

Hahaha! Okay, you made me laugh! Don’t worry, I’m not all that easy to upset. Well, I can be, but not from someone just talking and sharing with me.

And yes, I met her. We talked for 45 minutes. And I walked out with two scrip sheets – five scrips scrawled down both. I expected one, maybe two, going in. I never guessed I’d leave there with that damn many. And now, as you said, I’ve NO fucking idea which one is fucking me up – or if it’s more than one, even. That’s pretty exasperating!

And…. “That’s too much” (say that like Ace when he gets shot with all those darts) – that’s too many drugs. I fucking hate it when they do that, and to start them all at once is fucking irresponsible of her! Sorry, that’s just my opinion.

Steph, I really hope you start to feel better soon! And being hospitalised isn’t the worst thing in the world if you’re feeling the way you do. It would give you time to adjust to the meds without stressing about being “vacant” at work. But, I DO understand the unwillingness to go!

Ahhhh thank you – no need to apologize, for real. It makes me feel better that others are seeing it the way I do. It makes me feel like I’m not being unfair or resistant to treatment. It’s just too fucking much!

You are so much more patient than me. If that kind of crap happened to me, with the double-book and the late…I’d be finding a new doctor. Also Clonodine is a hell of a sedative and will only make you feel more glued to your bed. Lamictal is usually used IN PLACE OF LITHIUM as a mood stabilizer. If you’re you’re II, with no major psychotic breaks during a manic episode, I think it’s WAY over the top.
I guess what I’m saying, is to keep doctor shopping, and dump some meds. The goal isn’t to make you worse.
Also try to remember there are people who think you’re the S, so when you’re really stuck down there, it’s a light to hang onto.

Yeah, see I don’t really know a lot about all the different classes and things. But it definitely feels like overkill. And no, I’ve never had a single psychotic break or full blown mania in my life. My uncle did, and does. But I’m not my uncle. She took family history, and I worry she latched on to some things. However, I did tell her – repeatedly in fact – that I’d never had mania. So she asked me if I’d had hypomania. I was like, sure…who doesn’t? Heh…wrong answer.

I am patient, Josh, but I’m way too patient. It means things like this keep happening to me. And it’s not always about being mild and patient – it’s about not liking to draw attention to myself or be burdensome. Like today when I was at the pharmacy. They never looked up to notice me standing there. So I just stood there for a solid ten minutes, waiting to be noticed. Ridiculous! The girl was so embarrassed when she finally saw me – and I did that to her! All I had to do was say, “Good evenin!” And that would have eliminated my anxiety and let them know someone was there. Ramble ramble.

Thank you for your kind words. You’re awesome. And I do hang onto things like that. It’s all I’ve got, most days. No pressure. 😀

I’m sorry you are having a crappy time 😦 I hope blogging helped a little.
Good news you finally got your diagnosis, I got a GAD on mine too. But whatever the paper says it doesn’t define you!
I hope you get on with the meds

I think you and the others have convinced me to call my insurance company tomorrow – get a search going for the next available psychiatrist. In the meantime, I’ll see this one again Saturday – give her a shot at reconfiguring the meds a bit.

Holy shit. You just made me so fucking thankful to be here. Take your experiences, think of the exact opposite, and that’s what I’m lucky enough to experience. Don’t stand for what’s being done to you. ❤

I know it – I just love the way you’ve been treated. And it definitely highlights just how shitty the healthcare system can be over here. If I lived in a bigger area, I’d have better luck – just because of sheer numbers and different people to bounce around to until I found a good one. 😀

Well, that’s got some truth to it. Cities bring more choice in the matter. I hope I don’t come off as snobby – never my intention. But I’m AMAZED at the system here and feel if I let people know how it could be, maybe things will change for everyone. ❤

Shit Steph. I have no words.
Things are sounding very tough for you at present and believe me when I say if I could make all go away I honestly would.
It appears to me that the people in charge of your care need a fucking good wake up call and be made to get to the bottom of the entire issues that are plaguing you.
I have no experience of the drugs you have been prescribed but it does sound like an immense amount of crap to be putting in your body.
Is there anywhere else you can go to and get a second opinion?
I suppose all of this just costs so much money and that is where people who need the help are left untreated because simply affording it once is a big enough issue.
I know I would struggle if I didn’t have the benefit of the wonderful British health system but then that doesn’t help you.
It appears that all they want to do is keep up the drugs and not deal with the cause.
I suffer from clinical depression and am lucky enough that a couple of tablets daily keep my mood stabilised, but then that knowledge doesn’t help you.
Please just know that I am thinking about you and will do anything in my power to help.
Please look after yourself and do keep going. You are a wonderfully witty and funny soul who needs to be heard so stick with it all.

Thank you, Cameron. It is indeed pretty tough for me right now. I’m hanging in there, but it’s hard when you finally set your mind to treatment and stuff like this keeps happening. I won’t give up, though. There’s enough of me still in here behind all the drugs to know that I can’t give up.

And I thank you for sharing your experiences with me. It actually does help me – it helps me to know that there is hope, and that I can find help but I just have to be willing to work hard and be persistent to get it.

Well… expletive.
This certainly doesn’t sound like the bees knees.
Maybe il dottoressa is actually some sort of secret trainer, working to raise your patience to levels unimaginable.

UNIMAGINABLE!

Also, panic disorder isn’t fun. It’s not the worst thing one can have but it can be pretty debilitating.

Unfortunately I don’t have much to say in terms of encouragement regarding the situation as it stands, beyond “it’s okay to fall so long as you get up and persevere”.

And you have to write more, because yes!

Well, you don’t have to, but you should.

If there’s anything I can offer in the way of advice for writing, it can help to just write whatever comes to mind, even if it is about not knowing what to write, or working on stream-of-conscious styles of writing as it seems to allow one to write more easily, even if it isn’t necessarily what one would expect.

You’d be able to get out a lot more that way and it also seems to help with writing speed much more, but it could lead to adventures dangerous and suave as you don some sort of cool, signature outfit, battling your way through your foes and the nefarious fiends that will inevitably not use their powers for good, thus leading them to their own, inevitable downfall as you defeat them with ease that you never realised you had, leaving you with a bit more free time than expected, so you might buy a cat or two, but of course cats have mind control powers, so eventually you’d buy a whole bunch of cats, but why stop at seven when you can have an armada?

Yes, exactly – there’s no way to differentiate or definitively determine which one(s) cause problems for me or help me.

I’ve heard things about Lexapro, too. Not as much about Lithium – which is why I got stuck on that. But they all scare me. Except the Clonidine – it has helped me sleep. But I think it’s also contributing to the fatigue.

My best friend is the COO of a bank here in PA. After a huge merger, he suffered an emotional breakdown. He’s been out of work for six months and seen shrinks and therapists. Valium doesn’t work, he can’t sleep, and he has the shaking hands. He has good days and bad days, but he keeps fighting to get better. That’s my advice to you. I know you’re fighting; just don’t give up.

Or do I need to cone down there, cuff you, and break out the hot lights and rubber hoses?

Nooo not a funny that time! My foot’s broken in two places. That’s what the MRI found out…never showed on any xrays. And five doctors never figured it out. Most of them ignored it altogether. But now I’m vindicated. Of course it hurts! It’s been broken since July! 😀

Well shit. Shit on a pile of shit. Shit underneath the shit underneath the pile of shit. I’m not getting a good feeling from this doctor. Starting you on that many drugs immediately and diagnosing you that quickly doesn’t sound right. Remember how I said that you might not find the right one on the first try? Keep your upcoming appointments, but consider starting to look for a different doctor. Drugging you into oblivion isn’t going to help you. I’m sorry, hon. Hang in there. If you really can’t think but feel like you really need to blog, feel free to just write, “blurp blurp bluuuuuurp,” and we’ll understand.

I think y’all are right. We’ll find out for sure tomorrow. Maybe she was so hung up on me being a danger to myself, that she just threw everything at me. I doubt it. But I’ll keep the appointment for sure. Over the next week or so, I need to do some serious legwork and find the next one to try!

One other thing I forgot to say before: I’m proud of you. Both for making the initial appointment, then following through with subsequent ones, then expressing your doubts on here and deciding more action is probably needed. That takes moral fiber, which hopefully makes you less gassy than other kinds of fiber.

You’ve already got a lot of support from the nice people at WP here, I don’t have much to add. Being a sad-sack is one thing, admitting to it is another. It’s courageous of you to do that.
Meds aren’t acid, though that’s what we want at moments like this. I wish they were, but I know enough to know they can’t. I hope you feel better, meaningless though these words sound to me even as I read them. I wish you peace.

They may sound meaningless to you, but they mean a lot to me. It always humbles me when someone takes time out of his or her life to come here and share words with me. To share life with me. Thank you so much for your kindness and your perspective.

Is it just me or do you feel like the doc tried to treat you like a math problem? Answer this and that and if you check these boxes this way and those that way, you prescribe X. (scratches head) That isn’t how people work….

Sooo happy to see you back, I’m selfish that way don’tcha know…..I wish I could virtual rock you to sleep and take the headache away…I’m magic but I’m not that good….but I will send healing thoughts and rainbow colored love thoughts to one of my fave bloggers. I’ll leave he nutsack jokes for another time….coworkers already stressing that the countdown has pretty much begun for my bye bye day and hello sunshine…..vitamin d is good, it’s what we get from the sun…I need some…..lots of some…..pssst…..want to send me some? Haha drug dealer joke….just trying to make you smile my friend, hope I did, if not, I’ll be back and spank you!

You did, you did make me smile! Thank you so much. Headache has steadily improved over the last 24 hours. Maybe tomorrow will be even better. I stopped taking lithium last night, so now I’m thinking it was a big migraine/headache trigger for me. It’s awfully coincidental anyway.

I need to get my head back in the reading game so I can keep up with my favorites, like you. 🙂 It’s much less foggy off that stinkin’ lithium. So maybe that will help!

Yes, and after about 12 hours without taking it, my headache began to diminish. Now with 24 hours without adding more into my system, it’s practically gone. So I think I may have found the culprit for the massive migraine. No wonder the shots didn’t make it go away.

Yep, psychiatrist added Klonopin (which I have filled but am afraid of – what a loop there – anxiety over an anxiety med!). And upped the lexapro. So, since starting, she has increased clonipin, lexapro and lamictal from the smallest dose to double that. And she’s still stringing me along week after week. This time she had patients at least 12 deep in there. 12 that I could see – there may have been more in a back room where they hold overflow.

I questioned taking so many at once when she told me that she has “no idea” what is causing the edema. And she said “oh no no this is common practice. We need to get you better.”

So glad your headache has FINALLY subsided. Good grief…could there be any more red flags? This psychiatrist (I referred to her as a pharmacist by mistake) is causing you harm! Not on purpose, I know, but still…steer clear of her!

Yes, I have an appointment with an ortho doc Tuesday morning. I know they’re just gonna put me in one of those huge clunky boots so the breaks can finally heal. I nearly canceled and ordered one online. But I think I’m gonna ask him about a bone density scan. See what that entails. My rheumatologist refuses to order one, saying I’m too young. But the Nurse Practitioner disagrees. She thinks with the prior break on that same foot, coupled with this, plus lifelong struggles with dental health…she thinks that could be pointing to something. So maybe I can consult with ortho doc about it.

Hehehe I like that idea very much. It’s what I can soothe myself with while wearing that hideous clunky thing and enduring the endless questions and stares! Stephanie hates calling attention to herself! 😀

*CLUNK, CLUNK, CLUNK*
In the dark, Queen Bitch turns around with wide eyes and inquires in a quivery whisper, “Who’s that? What do you want with me?”
With an evil cackle, Giant Stéphanie lifts her heavy iron boot and squishes the shrunken Queen Bitch underneath her foot.

I was going to nominate you for the Blogger Recognition Award, but decided not to because you mentioned something about being behind on ‘performing tasks’ for fellow bloggers (that sounded somewhat gross).

And don’t you worry about that. I haven’t responded to an award thingy in ages. For a while, it was every day. But now, I wonder…it could help me out of my blank brain. I think I need to start a prompt jar or something.

Maybe if I have time tomorrow, I can tell y’all about Janitor J…I need a good second name for him. But it’s been super busy at work, so I dunno.

OH. SHIT. I totally forgot! That was the foot thingy. Okay, I clearly need to include blogging stuff in my planner. 😀 I can’t remember to do shit I say I’m gonna do! Like posts and reading and REPLYING TO EMAILS.

It’s in a boot. You know those big clunky black things that you strap onto your leg and it has this sort of rounded/rocking bottom? It’s hideous! But supposedly will stabilize my foot so that it can heal. I had to wear one before, years ago, after a full cast when I broke the same damn foot. I tried to ask the doctor about a bone density scan, but I only saw him long enough for him to come in, shake my hand, tell me it was broken, say he wants another MRI in 3 weeks (not gonna happen) and leave to send a nurse in to put the boot on.

Gah, I was so mad. I tried to ask him about it, but he darted out. So I asked the Nurse Practitioner, and she didn’t say a peep. Seriously, like I wasn’t even there. She just strapped the boot and left. I kinda wandered out in the hall and asked a random person which way to go to check out! Ha! I see the rheumatologist again at the end of the month, so I’m gonna ask then. I really hope I get his NP again – she’s freakin’ awesome. She’s the only reason we’ve finally discovered there are broken bones so I can finally start to heal up!

Seriously! What a bitch. Hmph. I know she heard me. But you shoulda seen that place. They’re turning patients over rapidly. My visit cost $300 (I only paid part of that). And I got a handshake and a boot. Next!

Non non non! I thought the same thing about that place being a cattle call. And the doctors were the ranchers! I’ve never seen that many people in one waiting room – that room looked more like a department store!

When I was really bummed out one time, a friend sent me this. I was laughing and crying at the same time watching it, so I hope it has the same cathartic effect for you. Enjoy…with caution, LOL! Never expect anything soothing from my mad, mental mind!
XD

If I feel like shit reading it, then you must feel abysmal. Are you feeling any better now?
My experiences, and my body, are different from yours, as are some of my diagnoses, so I’m not sure I’ll be of any help, but I’ll give it a whirl.
I can’t take anti-depressants/anti-anxiety SSRI thingies. I end up comatose. Like, okay, fine, no anxiety, but also no energy, no appetite, no affection for my babies, like someone took my bulb out. Now, I have never been depressed. I know it’s very uncool to say so, but that’s the truth. Frequent bouts of melancholy are not depression. Four hours after taking HALF a thingy I was depressed. I was crying because everything made me sad and not even baby kisses and tacos could stave off the sadness. Now, people say the meds don’t even work that fast, and maybe that’s true in clinical trials or in mice or in people with depression, but my experience was terrible. When I spoke to the pharmacist, she said try taking it at night instead. So I tried that. It was a bit better, but still with the crying and no oomph. So I called my dr and told him I wasn’t going to take that thingy anymore and that was that. One pill, and I’d had enough.
When I went to therapy the Monday following the saddest weekend that ever I had, my therapist told me that my experience was not uncommon at all and I did the right thing by giving it up. She increased our sessions and increased my homework. But see, I was not depressed otherwise, not suicidal and so, I was different…
I am not anti-pharmaceutical because I KNOW it saves lives and improves the quality of lives. But I do think the therapies, the talk, the homework, are all important, too. I’d be hesitant to spend time with a dr who talked to me for 45 minutes and sent me away with five scrips. And because of my dramatically sensitive body, you can be for damn sure I wouldn’t take them. lol I’m not saying that you shouldn’t, just that this seems like more of a Band-aid and less of a treatment. You may well benefit from some meds, I’m not a dr. But I can tell you as a patient, you didn’t get good care that day, even if you subtract 5 meds.
PTSD of any kind needs to be treated with therapy because it can reduce your triggers immensely. It will. It does. It may take trying different ones, but it can be life-changing in the best way.
I have friends who have been hospitalized and got intensive therapy that benefited them.
I realize money is a factor here, and that we do not treat mental health as we do physical health.
Please don’t give up.

I used to have migraines so badly, I’d end up in the ER getting shots. Going off the pill reduced them substantially, then I found out artificial sweeteners give me migraines, so I gave those up, too. I decaffed in 2010, and now I rarely get a headache. I might have a migraine 10 times a year, but nothing that OTC IB and Acetaminophen and a nice lie down can’t fix. I think most of them are weather-induced. Decaffing was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, and has benefited me in so many ways — reduced anxiety, fewer headaches, more sleep, better sleep, and I swear, less achy joints. I did NOT want to give up caffeine. I’m a naturally peppy, high-strung, vivacious person — Do you know how much anxiety and caffeine can help me accomplish?!? LOL But I swear by it, glad I gave it up. Within a week, I realized I had basically been poisoning myself.
I have a long post about how I got better re: the GAD — if you’re interested. http://jolenemottern.com/2014/04/01/a-is-for-anxiety/

Anyway, this is almost as long as your blog post, so please excuse me. I just want you to know that I care and that at least two of your diagnoses can get better. Much, much better. There’s a light out there, don’t quit lookin for it. You’re worth it. What a brain, what a heart ❤

Joey, wow. Thank you. I’m not excusing you for a long message, because it was perfect and wonderful. I’ve been back to see her now – just this past Saturday. She agreed to take me off of the Lithium, but when I told her I was still feeling down and that my anxiety is through the roof…you know what she did, right? She increased the Lexapro and then threw yet another drug into the mix.

I’m feeling a shitton better right now, but I ask myself: am I better simply compared to Lithium? or am I feeling better compared to when I was taking nothing at all? If that makes sense. But I’m still tired. I’m still fatigued. And my guts are in turmoil. My body doesn’t like these drugs. But I’m so torn, because in ways I do feel better. More playful again. But shit – that could simply be because the Lithium is gone! Blah.

I’m working with my insurance company trying to find a new counselor that sees patients “after hours” – just meaning after normal business hours or on weekends, because I can’t afford to keep taking off work. But I know I need help. And finally, finally, after all these years, I’m willing to get it. All these roadblocks make it harder to continue. But I will. I know that I have to.

And you’re so right about caffeine, too. It is a MAJOR trigger for me. I’m not a coffee drinker, but ohhh man have I abused those 5-hour energy things. And caffeinated teas and still the occasional soda. I have to quit it. Cold turkey. I HAVE to quit it. Because, as you say, it is flat out poisoning my body.

I’m definitely going to read your post, too.

I don’t know if I’ve touched on everything, but I hope you know how special it is to me that you took time out of your life to share your experiences and relate to me. As well as for your incredibly kind words.

I am humbled by you, and by the outpouring of support. Thank you, Joey.

Well I hope you’re feeling comparatively better off Lithium and also from before. If I think really hard, I can remember a time when I felt mostly good, and I think that’s the goal — to get as close as you can to whatever your ‘normal’ is. You know? I was 14, so it would be absurd to compare 42 to 14, lol, but there’s a normal relativity in there somewhere…I feel like I’ve come closer to mine in the last 2 years or so, so I remain hopeful.
Tea (herbal decaf tea) is cheap and I contend there’s a flavor or two for everyone. Sometimes in the summer, I’ll brew and ice it with fruits and boy do I get hydrated!
The other thing I’ve come to love is seltzer. No calories, no caffeine, no sugar, no fake shit, just carbonated water with the tiniest flavoring. I like them all, but Canada Dry makes a lemon-lime one that’s become my carbonation buddy.
I do have a soda or even a half-caff coffee at times. At very busy, can I make it through the day times — but it’s rare, and if I sit still, I get spinny and I remember…Ugh.
Anyway, wishing you all the best. I know what it’s like to fight mental health battles and caffeine battles and I am on your side 🙂 (Looks like a lot of people are!)

Oh lord yes, I’m heaps better off the Lithium. That drug was bad bad news for me. I could barely keep my head up, and I kept dropping things and swerving in traffic. It was terrifying. And I felt like I was 5 minutes from a coma. Bleh.

Oh man, what I would give to be the 17 year old again. She was happy (mostly), and chipper and full of energy and positivity. Life has a way of beating it out of you. Or maybe it’s the “illness.” I dunno, but I sure am trying to figure it out!

I’m glad you’re doing so much better! I’m hopeful for you, too. It sounds like you’ve figured out some excellent ways to at least stave off the worst of it.

I love those little teas. Sometimes I go into this awesome spice and tea shop and get some things, but I’m bad about letting them get too “unfresh” before I finally get around to drinking them. I need to get back to it while I’m on my caffeine purging!

And you’re right about carbonation, too! A big part of wanting a soda is craving that carbonation. I used to get those little flavored thingies – mmm wild cherry – but then the convenience stores stopped carrying them. I bet I can find them at the grocery, though!

Hehehehe…I would feel terrible about it, except they tend to over-employ where I’m at. So a huge chunk of time is spent doing nada. My busy time will pass in a week or so. But right now I’m swamped. What a thing to bitch about. 😀

Damn that seems like a lot of drugs at once. I have all of the same diagnoses as you and take Lamictal and Tegretol, plus Prazosin for PTSD-related nightmares and Ambien as needed. I can only imagine that taking all those at once would make someone feel a lot fucking worse before seeing any improvement. I hope things get better for you and that the doc listens to you about the lithium.

Thank you for sharing your experiences. It helps so much knowing what others are going through. And also hearing about these other drugs I haven’t heard of.

She did listen about the Lithium. She took me off it right away. And I tell you what, I’m like a whole other person now that it’s out of my system. I could barely hold my head up for the three weeks I was on that shit. Now the question is: do I feel better just compared to when I was on Lithium? Or do I feel better compared to pre-Lithium. Unfortunately, I’m not so sure.

You’re right – it’s so many drugs. And I can’t tell what causes side effects and what may or may not help at all with so many at once. Grrrr.

I’m glad she got you off it quickly. I hope she’s able to get you on a cocktail that’s effective sooner than later. My psychiatrist has had to adjust my dosages, but what she’s got me on has made an improvement overall (lawd please don’t let me jinx myself by saying that).

Hilarious. You made me chuckle through the whole epilogue. And I shouldn’t be laughing because you’re having such a hard time. I love your narrative style. It’s a real gift to write the way you do and turn a nightmare into entertainment.
Please write more, on whatever subject you like.

Well, I am glad you finally blogged about this, Steph. At first glance it seemed early to be absolutely certain about a diagnosis and then there quite a few which must confuse you. It is also a boatload of medications – not sure you should be driving until your body/mind adjusts to the dosages or the doctor reduces/alters them. Glad that you didn’t get a sense of humor obotomy. 🙂 I don’t know if this helps but every visit to the psychiatrist is like this. I struggle with the child screaming with ADD or ADHD, the twitching legs, the inappropriate laughing or screaming and then I think of my poor doctor. Surely it is light relief to see Kerry with her bullet pointed lists??? I hope things start to get better soon. It does take some time for medication to work, as you probably know, and psychiatry is an inexact science. Hugs x

Thank you so much for your insight and experiences. I gotta say, it’s a relief to know that your psychiatry visits are so similar, because so many people were saying it’s not normally like that. But I’m betting the ones that aren’t like that are the ones who are cash only, no insurance, no nothin. Anyway, yes, there were some scary moments driving on that Lithium. But it’s gone now, so I’m feeling soooooo much better. I can’t tell, though, if I feel better just compared to the Lithium, or if I feel better from before it. Only time will tell, as you said.

I think those people were just seeing fancy shrinks!! Real psychiatrists see people with mental illnesses – doh! (And they are always late…) Sometimes Lithium works amazingly well for people with Bipolar (and it’s cheap) but it takes ages to figure out the right drug, dosage or diagnosis. Keep hope, my friend. K xx

I admire your honesty and your ability to find humor in a not so humorous journey. Reading through some of the comments you struck a cord with many. When I had my dark time it was the seeming feeling of isolation that caused me so much angst. I wrote about it prodigiously but had, at least I didn’t think at the time I had, anyone to share my thoughts, concerns, hopes, wishes with. This is a unique forum and I am continually amazed at what cords are struck by what is written (I have run into a few assholes as well but such is the world we live in). We can help ourselves by helping others, sharing our stories, our wins, our loses, our journeys and at the end of the day, doesn’t matter what if any spirit you worship, that is a good thing and really all that is expected of us. Loving & blessings 2 u.

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and struggles as well. Depression is the most isolating feeling in the world. Well. At least it feels that way, because you can’t get out of your head. Especially when you’re physically alone, it’s exponentially more difficult. This community astounds me on the regular, and the support we’ve all shared here is out of this world. I’m so glad you’re here. And we can keep moving forward together and lift each other up when all we can do is cry.