We’ve Forgotten How to Love

As person after person silently fell into line to receive the Eucharist, one communicant fiddled with her snug skirt and tugged insecurely at the bottom edge of her belly shirt so that less of her abdomen would be exposed. All around, men and women glared in horror at the churchgoer who dared show up in such apparel, or lack thereof. With their eyes, they accused her of immodesty, setting a poor example for young girls, creating a distraction for worshippers, and any other stones they could think to throw. After Mass, as friends and acquaintances greeted one another, no parishioners bothered to introduce themselves to her or offer any sign of welcome, instead waiting for her to leave so that they could express their outrage at her attire.

Somewhere along the line, we forgot how to love. We forgot how to see the light of God in every single human soul and instead surrendered to our tendency to focus solely on faults and sins, frequently masking our judgment by pleading the second spiritual work of mercy (instruct the ignorant). Don’t mistake me: I’m just as in favor of directing people away from destructive, sinful behavior as the next Catholic school disciplinarian.

But Jesus was very clear in equipping us with the proper weapon for this battle: Love. If we intend to employ judgment, divisiveness, condescension, and resentment, we will experience shameful failure. “Come! Join us as we shine a light on other people’s sins and let our own fester in darkness.” Yeah. Good luck attracting people with that pathetic approach.

In one of Father Larry Richards’ talks about confession, he details his experience with a man who approached him in shame and disclosed that he had just been intimate with two male prostitutes he’d hired. After telling the story, Fr. Larry identified the looks of disgust smeared across his audience’s faces, accompanied by silent relief that they’d never towed such sins to the confessional. Then he declared them no less guilty than the penitent man on account of their immediate condemnation and judgment of him.

Declaring ourselves less flawed and our sins less severe than others’ is in itself a grave sin of pride and that’s the ugliest one of all. Father Larry responded to the man by lovingly putting his hands on him, looking into his eyes, straight to his hungry soul and telling him he had absolutely no idea how much God loved him. The priest remembered first and foremost his call to love.

Of course, as a layperson, people do not frequently approach me in states of shame over their sins. But my opportunities to reflect the love of God are equally as frequent and significant and failing to seize them may be robbing a person of experiencing God’s love.

I attended Catholic school for seven years and although the institutions were respectable places to receive an education, I encountered many teachers who employed methods of teaching and discipline that drove me away from the Church. They were quick to tell me that my skirt was too short, my heels too high, my nail polish too bright. But they never told me how deeply, unfathomably loved I was. They asked why I talked so much in class and fidgeted so much throughout the rosary but never if I had any idea how precious I was to God. They condemned my behavior and enforced their rules but neglected to enforce the notion that we are infinitely valuable creations of a kind and merciful God who will obsessively love and pursue a relationship with us no matter how far we stray. The God they represented was a harsh, demanding disciplinarian and I spent many years wanting nothing to do with him.

We se easily forget that with countless people, we have an opportunity to transform their skewed impressions of Christ. If we have any hope of attracting sinners, like us, and transforming their skewed perceptions of God and his Church, we must first love and later instruct. We are, after all, creatures of emotion, not logic. Informing people of the destructive nature of their behavior is futile if they do not first and foremost feel that they are loved.

We possess the uniquely human ability to set aside our inclination to zero in on the weaknesses and flaws of those we encounter and instead focus on what there is to love and admire about them. Father John Riccardo urges, “When you find something good in someone, pull it out and hold it up in front of them.”

We can build people up, revealing to them their boundless beauty in the eyes of God and the passion with which they are loved, appreciated and thirsted for, simply by finding something to like about them.

We can offer sincere greetings, compliments, or even simple smiles, of which Mother Teresa said, “Let us always meet each other with a smile, for the smile is the beginning of love.” Refuse to fuel the fire of hatred by shining an instant spotlight on a person’s faults and instead reach out in love. We will be amazed at the doors that open and the bridges that are built simply by extending love instead of criticism.

I am in no way suggesting that we turn a blind eye to immorality. But a key phrase to bear in evangelization efforts is: attract, not attack.

If a child ran through his house in search of his mother, leaving muddy prints all over the floor but bursting with excitement to disclose that he’d scored a goal, a loving parent’s initial reaction would be to express great excitement for his accomplishment, praising him and feeding his hunger for approval. Only later, when the time is right and with utmost patience and kindness should his attention be turned to his error of leaving a trail of dirt.

Similarly, we can first express admiration for the worthy qualities of God’s children. We can see past the mud and first and foremost, give of our love. That’s how his kingdom will be built here on earth.

Copyright 2016 Elizabeth Pardi

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14 Comments

Lynda
on September 6, 2016 at 10:38 am

Thank you for this insightful post. The story of Fr. Larry Richards is so very powerful as people tend to judge rather than see the deep need for love – love that only our Lord can provide and God calls us to love in that way. Blessings on the ministry of your blog.

I just came across your blog in my morning devotional readings. Your blog is very moving and in line with today’s homily. As a recent convert to Catholicism, and a new catechist, I am continually moved by articles and readings that I can understand and apply. I’ll be back daily to read through your blog. Good job!!

Liz, I read your article, We’ve Forgotten How to Love,” by sheer accident. Here I am at 6AM, still in my pj’s and having coffee with my best friend, God. As a creature of habit I usually start my daily devotions off with a reading from one of the “Catholic classics,” my nickname for The Word Among Us, Give Us This Day, or Living Faith. (Yes, I subscribe to all three!) Many mornings, however, I start out with the readings on my phone. I must admit, I try NOT to begin with this darn phone because I find myself drifting off topic, i.e., clicking on stuff that is intriguing at the moment and not necessarily as focused on my faith journey as my conscience thinks it should be! Isn’t that crazy? Only a Catholic will understand that sort of ridiculous, irrational guilt! LOL Here’s my point: Your blog is awesome! Your message on love is from the heart, which is why Christ nudged me to pick up my phone this morning before reading the other devotionals. Your personal faith journey has touched MY heart, which is what Christ had in mind when reaching out to others with love! Thank you, Liz! May your day be filled with hope, laughter, and the peace of Christ, knowing that you have touched this woman’s heart with love. Take care, Sue

Thank you Liz. I must confess I have struggled with my Beloved close friends who first show love. I deliberately will not add -before…- because that is where I always stop. I see their act of offering love first as a sign of being too liberal and giving unnecessary liberties. I tend to be very stern, always ready to crack the whip and even when these beloved dear friends -and I they a exceedingly few, I can count them all on one hand and have a finger or two left- call my attention to the fact of mitigating discipline with love and mercy, all I hear in my head is “you spoil people, you have the tendency to gloss over things” and proceed either to shut off or fume with rage.
But, thanks be to God, reading this your article,which in fact says exactly what my friends and the Lord Himself have been trying to get me to see, By some strange happening I have received a very deep and touching exprience from your words. I have an insight that I would gladly and humbly call an experiential knowledge. I feel ready to love first and then tenderly guide in correction. Thank you very much for your loving insight shared. I feel what made this possible for me is the example of the little joyful lad bursting forth into the house with those forgotten soiled hands and feet in search of “precious Mommy” to announce his unstoppable joy.
Once more, thank you. May The Lord Bless and Keep you always.

Hello, Elizabeth
I live in Ireland, near Dublin, same time as London UK.
Today is the first time I have heard your name and read your posts/articles. Loved them very much, and will pass on your contact: to some friends and a few aquaintences.
Am 72 yrs young myself and have been an independent music professional, most my adult life. Since 17/18 years old. What a beautiful gift to be given.
I started on ‘sacredspace.ie’ today, and followed where ever I wandered and found your ‘Blog’ if that’s the correct word to describe your writing.
May dear God bless and keep You, and Yours Always. You have been a joy to read today.
Maybe someday, if you wish. I can send a song or two of mine to you via email attachment.
With much love and Kindest Regards.
Peter

Thanks Liz with your sharing of Fr.John about love.
I prayed yesterday asking the Holy Spirit to teach me how to read the Word of God and be emersed with the Word thus reflect God’s love.
I was inspired to read 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. It struck me that this was a reading I and my classmates were told to learn off by heart in year 7 , (41yrs ago!!! ) I couldn’t understand why I was inspired to read these verses, but I did. Reflected on it and got the insight that I am to live these verses in my life. To action these values. Tonight I accidently or I should say led by the Spirit to get to your site.
I learnt from your sharing why I was given the reading from Corinthians. I was brought up with strict discipline and guided well, but not love first before correction Thank you so much. I have learnt love before correction.
Thank you and God bless you.