What Was I thinking? (Rescue Regrets are Usually Temporary)

“Oh No. What HAVE I done?” Ever had that thought after bringing a new dog into your home? Usually around day three? Here’s the good news: It’s almost universal, and it almost always goes away.

Here’s the usual course of events after bringing home a new puppy or dog: Like any responsible pet owner, you had done due diligence. You talked it over with the family. You thoughtfully chose where to find your new dog. You carefully selected the best possible choice. Or, because life doesn’t always go according to plan, a dog showed up on your doorstep and waltzed into your heart as if on Dancing with the Stars. No matter how it started, you spent the first two days in rapture, basking in an oxytocin-fueled haze of love, and grateful beyond words that this perfect little bundle of love is yours.

And then. You wake up on day three and think “Holy #%&! What was I thinking?” Often this reaction is due to your adorable bundle of furry perfection coming out of his own state of shock and beginning to behave like a dog. Perhaps your new Coon Hound/Corgi cross began barking like a banshee in his crate. Or your “We think it’s an Aussie but why don’t you do a DNA test?” snarled at your other dog, the one she appeared to adore the day before. Or that gooey sweet Chihuahua/Rottweiler cross who loves your lap devoured the sofa while you were gone in the afternoon.

Ah yes, the cold light of morning after regrets–the canine version. I was talking about this recently with a dear friend and brilliant dog trainer, who just brought a new dog into her household. The dog is lovely, truly wonderful. She knew a lot about the dog and where it came from. It gets along swimmingly with her other dogs. And yet, just as I have every time I’ve brought in a new dog, she began to worry after a few days. Who IS this dog, anyway? Are we going to love each other like me and my other dogs do? What if…”.

I’m guessing that many, if not most of us have found ourselves in this position. I talked about this, and what I call the “three day phenomenon” in a post from 2014, Three Ways to Confuse a New Dog. In it I mention that there’s just something about the number three–three days, three weeks and three months. Three days for your anxiety to arise like bubbles of sulfurous gas in Yellowstone, three weeks to begin to get a better sense of who your dog really is, and three months for the first sign that she is beginning to settle into the household routine. But what to do about those anxieties that crop up for so many of us, even experienced trainers?

I’ve started a list of things that can help, but I’m counting on many of you out there in the village to add your good advice to anyone going through this right now.

You’re not alone: It helps, doesn’t it, to know that this response is common, not to mention that it goes away? You are not crazy, you have not done something stupid, and this reaction is common.

Don’t do this alone: Have your village on speed dial, seriously. I don’t know what I’d do without friends who know me, know dogs and know when to listen, and when to give advice. If you don’t have friends like that, call the shelter, the rescue group, the breeder, or the cousin who always says the right thing.

Write down what’s happening. It’s amazing how much less daunting problems are if they are written down. Pretend it’s for your friend’s dog. Be very specific (“He has started urinating in the living room by the door to the garage early in the morning” versus “They said he was house trained and he’s not!”). Write down a list of options. Let it sit for a few hours, then go back to it and choose the best one. Remember that if Option #1 fails, there is always Option #2.

Remember the Rule of Three’s: There is no “Rule of Three’s”. I made that up. But there should be, shouldn’t there? Three days, three weeks and three months truly does seem to be a significant amount of time.

Use all resources you can find: Whatever is happening has happened to someone else. Call your friends (if they are dog savy). Go online. Read books. Watch videos. Make a list of things to do, and then cross out anything that either doesn’t feel right or involves punishing your dog for being a dog. Don’t be too discouraged if you find lots of different opinions. Filter out whatever doesn’t make sense or doesn’t feel right to you, based on your own values. Pay attention to the credentials of the person you’re reading or watching. Relatives, close neighbors or handsome strangers on TV are not good advisors unless they have some credentials behind them.

Call forth Patience and Faith, your new BFFs: Whatever would we do without them? They are easily underestimated, but they are just as important as knowledge, stamina and commitment. Welcome them in and pour them some tea. Ask them to say awhile.

If worst comes to worst: It could be, as the weeks and months goes on, that you realize this isn’t the right dog for your household. Or you are not the right household for the dog. If this is true, you are not doomed. If the dog you brought home is truly not a good fit, trust that you can find a solution. It is just a fact that not every dog can be happy in every home. It doesn’t mean it’s a bad dog, or that the home’s residents have failed. It just means it’s a bad fit. Period. We are indeed ultimately responsible for any dog we bring home, but sometimes, in rare cases, that means respecting a dog for who she is, and acknowledging that we can’t make her happy. That’s not a failure, it’s the road to success.

I’ve returned a dog myself, and it’s not easy. Sometimes it is downright heartbreaking, but if you know in your heart that it’s the right thing to do, don’t beat yourself up about it. Be proud that you are taking the high road, even if it’s hard. You have not failed, you are trying to do the best thing for the dog and your family. Please invite Patience and Faith to come back and have some more tea.

Last thing: Dr. Karen London and I wrote a book about bringing a new adolescent or adult dog into your home, titled Love Has No Age Limit.If you haven’t seen it yet, check it out, it might come in handy if this is a relevant topic for you or a friend.

What about you? What’s been your experience with moments of anxiety or regret when a new dog entered your life? How have you handled it?

MEANWHILE, back on the farm: Never a dull moment. Several more storms have come through, making it the stormiest summer I remember since moving here in 1982. We never lost power during the worst one, but the winds were reported to be 70-85 mph, it rained four inches in a few hours and six of our trees came down, including two of our lovely white pines.

During the height of that storm I heard what sounded like a tree falling, but the yard light had gone out and between the wind and the rain we couldn’t see a thing. Turns out it was two trees by the driveway, which I will miss terribly but am grateful they missed my car by a good 20 feet or so.

That’s unlike what happened the next morning when Jim and I were chain sawing and brushing. A large tree fell across the county road in front of the farm, missing a car with a woman and two young girls by just seconds. It began to fall just in time for them to pull up. Ten minutes later a guy in a red pick up drove straight into the tree at 55 mph, even though the road was clear for at least 300 yards and you couldn’t miss the monster tree blocking your path if you tried. If you were looking, that is. Lucky for him, he hit the high side of the tree and was cushioned by the multiple small branches and leaves. Jim and I, who were out working on our own downed trees stood watching with our mouths agape. I actually said “Seriously?” when he hit the tree.

I took several photographs but none of them come close to conveying how huge these trees are. Here’s Jim and his trusty chain saw after a good 2+ hours of work already working on the upper branches:

The photo below gives you a better sense of scale. You’ll note poor Maggie is looking miserable, because the county is feeding the downed tree limbs on the road into a chipper, and she hates the noise. Thank heavens I had taken “thunder treats” upstairs last night. I think the dogs got an entire dinner’s worth of food, but without it I’m sure Maggie would be worse.

Below is a photo of some of what’s left of the pines. We’d take it up the hill and get it into the dead wood pile (aka The Perfect Home for Rabbits, who say “Thank You Very Much”) except the other downed trees are blocking the farm road that gets us there. Just herding the sheep every day now is quite the adventure, since sheep, dog and I have to wend our way through steep, muddy ground and fallen branches to get there.

Think I canskip watering this weekend? It rained another 2 1/2 inches the day after that storm that took the trees down. (See rain gauge below from the first storm.) On the right is one of the breaks in the pines. It looks tiny, but I’d guess at least 1,000 pounds of tree fell from it. Or 500. Really, I have no idea. My back says at least a ton.

Hope you are weathering whatever the climate has brought you. Several homes and business have been flooded or badly damaged by the storms, and my heart goes out to them. We’re all hoping for an entire night without thunder and lightning and trees crashing. So is Maggie.

Comments

My daughter volunteers at a horse rescue place. The owners had also taken in a lab/husky cross with blue eyes. They called her Diamond. She was nine years old, and had been living on the streets, for who knew how long. When my daughter brought my grandson, who was four at the time, over to see the horses he met Diamond. The two fell in love. All he could talk about afterwards was Diamond. Anytime my daughter brought her son to the Sanctuary, he and Diamond would spend the whole time hanging out. The owners of the Sanctuary were looking for a good home for Diamond, but my daughter wasn’t sure it would be a good idea. Diamond is a large dog, they were renting a very small house, and they already had two cats. But who could resist the bond between boy and dog? Another couple were also interested in adopting Diamond. They were realistically a better fit, as they were living on a few acres in the country, not a small rented house in the city. The sanctuary owners gave Diamond to my daughter’s family. Diamond was getting arthritic, didn’t need lots of vigorous exercise anymore, and she had attached herself to my grandson. No one had the heart to break them up!

My daughter definitely went through some anxious moments. Diamond is a sweet dog, but needed socializing, and had some abandonment issues. She also just takes up a lot of room. “What was I think thinking?”, became a common question for my slaughters during the first few months! All went well, fortunately, as Diamond is a sweet, patient, attention loving dog. It’s nice to know that decisions based on the heart rather than the head can work out. All the great advice in dog books about making sure you have the right home definitely should be heeded, but sometimes life has other plans…

This is so timely I can’t believe it … I just returned a dog to its foster parents 3 days ago, after having her with me for 6 days. Turns out, she was only crate-trained at their house and, although I did a few short trial runs leaving her loose in the house (no other options for her safety) without problems, on Day #4 (not #3, ironically :), I had to leave the house for an hour. When I came back there was much destruction at the entry points: blinds, molding, door, etc. After talking with my trainer friend and with the rescue, I took her back. She was a total sweetie, but I live by myself with a senior cat (things were OK there) and don’t have the financial or ‘people’ resources to deal with ongoing destruction and to have someone with her 24/7 until she could be trained out of the separation anxiety. But her fosters are overwhelmed and don’t really know what to do/can’t do anything with her either, so what are her options? If they’re honest, I would think she might be unadoptable. What could I have done differently/what can I do differently if this occurs again, etc.? The guilt is tremendous and the fear that I’ll encounter again what, for my circumstances, is an unworkable situation.

My go-to thought is: Patience! I am a foster home for a local dog rescue. I’ve had over 40 foster dogs over the years. Some were a great fit in my house and others… well, not so much.

It’s easier in a way for me. I know the dog is only temporarily in my house.

It’s harder in a way for me. I have to help the dog get past whatever hangups he or she has and become adoptable. In some cases this never needs to be done. In other cases, I have to overcome years of poor treatment, neglect, lack of training or socialization, or worse.

There are always problems. They tend to surface after the “honeymoon” period is over. That length of time can vary from hours to weeks.

All the suggestions you mention (phone a qualified friend, research, etc.) are ones I’ve employed over the years.

Unless I or one of my dogs is in immediate danger, I use the “patience” suggestion the most. I gently correct unwanted behavior. I enthusiastically support wanted behavior.

In the end, I almost always wind up with a wonderful dog that gets adopted to a great home.

My toolkit:

1. Exercise. Controlled exercise with my own dogs. Twice daily. No exceptions. 2. Routine. Consistent. Predictable. Safe. 3. Exposure to problems. Fearful dogs get sensitive, gradual exposure to whatever they are afraid of. Dogs who don’t like men get exposure to men who are kind and gentle. Whatever the problem is, there is no way I can avoid exposing the dog to that problem if I want a dog that is adoptable. 4. Appropriate reward for a job well done. There’s a reason this is last. Sometimes it’s a soft “good dog”. Other times it is a treat. Or a gentle neck rub. Or some agenda-free time alone with me. Rewards are ONLY given when a job is well done.

Sometimes I get the easy dogs. More often they come with baggage. My job is to set them up for an easy and successful transition to an appropriate new home.

To Meredith: I’m so sorry that things didn’t work out. I would think that there are several options for the dog, including confining to a crate in which she can’t hurt herself while working on Sep Anx conditioning. We don’t have enough details to say too much more, especially why the foster home feels that they don’t know where to go from here. What if we made the dog a “case study”? You’d need to connect me with the foster home first though…. Let me know at info@patriciamcconnell.com if they’d like to do that. I do want to add: Don’t let one difficult experience put you off from adopting. Chances are there is a great dog out there for you! But do line up a good source of advise and support–it is so important for us all!

Not a dog but I brought home a new kitten to add to the menagerie just about three days ago and I’m going through the “what the heck was I thinking” stage. He was not a carefully considered addition he simply has the potential to be too fine a cat to pass up. He was born into my parent’s barn cat colony and I couldn’t bear the idea of him living the barn cat life. He’s a tabby point siamese with what I’m expecting will become a medium long coat. He’s amazingly calm and confident for such a little guy (nine weeks old). But he’s a tiny baby and I haven’t had a baby *anything* in 18 years! What have I done?

We’re currently in the stage of very carefully introducing him to the other critters. Meowzart, the oldest cat basically reacted with “huh, a kitten. Whatever.” And while we’re still supervising them when they’re together kitten and cat are allowed loose together to interact as they choose. The Great Catsby is horrified that we’ve brought this thing into his house. They are closely supervised and one or the other is generally in a cat carrier. To go with Meowzart and The Great Catsby the kitten is named Purrcasso. He really is a work of art.

Finna is curious about the kitten but mostly appropriate in that curiosity but because she doesn’t always remember to be gentle they only get to meet with the kitten in the cat carrier. Ranger is frustrated that we won’t just release the kitten into the house for his enjoyment (he’s perfectly appropriate with the kitten) but that won’t happen for several more days.

Meanwhile, I’ve now added careful introduction and training of a baby kitten to my already overcrowded schedule. What the heck have I done? What could I have been thinking? Then I go into the bedroom where he’s currently living and he climbs into my lap purring that roaring kitten purr and I think “yeah, it will all be fine. He’s got the makings of a truly great cat.”

I was told my middle aged rescue collie walked well on a leash, was socialized with cats, dogs and children. Beware: Walking around a yard, in a rural area is nothing like walking in a neighborhood with runners, skate boarders, bikers, delivery trucks, school buses,,,, My collie never tired even though we walked her every day 5 times a day (6, 10, 2, 6, 10). My collie does like other dogs but comes at them much to aggressively which usually upsets the other dogs and their owners. She bit a neighbor who came up behind her on the sidewalk while she was on a 6 foot leash- one and done. She bit then sat next to the neighbor. After getting a lawyer and pleading guilty for failure to control I got my dog off the “dangerous” dog list, which comes with many restrictions, yearly fees and puts dog one step close to being put down. No one can adopt a dangerous dog because of the liability. Many weeks of positive training to keep her focus on me/husband when other distractions were around had no affect on neighborhood walks. She was a star in class though. Other dogs, people didn’t bother her one bit! I had made an appointment with a vet behaviorist but had to cancel because my dog was in rabies quarantine again! A few months after the 1st bite my husband and I were pretty sick and my sister-in-law said she would take my dog to the neighboring county in the rural area she lives in on 8-9 acres, mostly fenced. The following week sister-in-law brings my collie back and doesn’t close the screen door completely and my collie runs out (she hadn’t been a door dasher before) and bites/scratches (according to dog control report) one of the teenagers who parks in front of our house and runs across the street to her house. Now my collie is living at my in-laws.It’s not a bad situation for her but not at all what I wanted. I don’t think I can take any more chances trying to train/fix my collie for regular neighborhood life.

After our first Golden died, we rescued an almost two year old golden, not through a rescue organization. This dog came out of another state and had already been through 4 owners. She seemed friendly enough and jumped in our car as soon as she saw the car door open and never looked back. My reservation happened on day one, when she gave our 12 year old dog the hard eye over the toy basket! I thought, oh no what have I done. But I never saw a dog try harder to fit into a family than this Golden. We made some adjustments, like keeping our old dog crated when no one was home, took the Golden for training and got her CGC certificate and she learned that when we left the house…we return and she was good with that. She has had maybe two spats with our older dog, but a sharp voice ends that right now, and there hasn’t been one of those in over a year. I guess I just got lucky! This Golden could sure use a 12 year old boy to run and play with instead of this house full of old people, but she has adjusted well and taken on the roll of comfort dog! She is a good dog! I am glad we made the effort!

I meant to tell you Patricia, we have had the same horrible storms, 70 mph winds and much thunder and lightning! My barn cats have become completely traumatized at the very sound of distant thunder! Lots of tree damage. The last event was $1200 with the tree people! I am hoping this is over for awhile!

I brought home a 3rd dog who needed rehoming. Not housebroken and did not seem happy after 2 days. I told myself, this isn’t working out. I’m taking her back. Then my other, and true self, said, ” What malarky. You know you’re keeping her.” I named her Malarky and we are in our 2nd year together. The other two dogs and the 17 year old cat and I love her and we are in Open training. We call her Lark.

oh gosh, how well I remember this, except for me, the breaking point came at 2 weeks. We had prepped well, brought in a trainer to help us plan for introductions to the resident cat, read all the right books (Patricia McConnell — my “go-to” gal) and talked to all of our friends with dogs….exhaustingly….they were sick of me and my questions, but too kind to say so. And still I was around the bend with stress and fear that it wouldn’t work out. The cat was our original animal so we said, if it doesn’t work out, the dog goes….riiiiiighhhhtt…….How long do you think that lasted? I realized we were screwed on that count and instead of “I hope it works” it became “It HAS to work.”. The lowest point was two weeks in when the cat “rendered her opinion” (yet again) on my office floor. I happened to have a doctor appt. that day and when she came into the examining room with a cheery, “hi! how are you?”. I burst into rivers of tears. She listened and then very wisely said, “I think you’re going through a transition. It’ll all work out.”. She was right, it did😊. But I now volunteer for the doggy rescue we adoptd from and I tell all new adopters to look out for that old buyer’s remorse.

Great post, Tricia, and thanks for writing and talking about this. Our rescue now gives out the above mentioned book to new adopters, courtesy of us😊❤️

Oh, how timely … we have our first-ever foster dog from Paws New England Rescue and are on day 3 … and I’m saying to myself, “what have I done??” and my husband is asking “when are those baby gates coming down?”

I’m so glad to have the support of the many wise members of Paws New England Rescue … I can’t stress that enough. And I have re-read your book on managing a multidog household at least 3 times since Petey arrived :_

Petey is actually 100x “easier” than our resident rescue dog, who was severely undersocialized and is on Prozac to control her terrors when confronted with life in Medford, Mass. She is getting along with him OK and the space management is also going OK … but I have no idea how exhausting it would be! Petey is available for adoption (though my husband, hater of baby gates, keeps saying “aww, I love him!”), please share: https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10154522464110518.1073741833.696725517&type=1&l=a7bdaf5dad

We just rescued what we were told was a one-year old German shepherd dog. We flew the dog to Denver from Mississippi. We quickly realized that this dog was no where near a year old, had zero training or socializing, and had not lived inside a house. He bit me constantly and was so rambunctious. I brought in a trainer immediately and called upon my friends with rescue and training experience. Ruger has been with us almost 2 months and he is a completely different dog! We are continuing his training and changing our expectations, since he is still a puppy. Thankfully our 10 year old shepherd is more than willing to”school” him too. More than once in the first few weeks, I considered taking him to a rescue group. I really did not think I could handle any more bites or bruises.

What about three years? 😀 That’s about how long it took us to accept that our dog would never be OK, but that we could live with him anyway.

I love it when Good People talk about the fact that dogs may not work out without the owner being an Bad Person. I so often hear internet ranting about Evil People who give dogs up for adoption, and how _they_ would never give up their dog under any circumstances. But I know several heartbroken people who have given dogs up because they just don’t fit – my parents for one, who rehomed their strong-willed and hyperactive BCxFlatcoat pup to an agility home. They’d had dogs before, and they’ve had dogs since, all of whom stayed with them their whole lives, but Sophie just wasn’t the right dog for them.

Over 8 years ago I brought home a very tiny, scared puppy from a rescue. I had fallen madly in love with this cute baby but wasn’t sure what her breed was – the vet thought she was about 5 weeks old. She had been brought up on a puppy mill transport from South Carolina without a mama dog or any litter mates. She had serious stomach/bowel problems which was my first focus. Then came the behavioral problems. She actually broke out the wall of her crate, she would have diarrhea in her crate and all over the house. That’s when we found out she was a Basenji Hound/mix because she would yodel and scream so loud that my neighbors would call me at work because they were worried about her. Then the destruction started. She gutted the couch and chair – she actually met me at the door with springs from the couch in her mouth – not a good day. She shredded the living room drapes. She chewed on the woodwork, the walls, doors anything she could chew on. I was overwhelmed – my Corgi was overwhelmed – and I think Glory, the puppy, was overwhelmed. I talked to friends, family and vets who were all basically negative about Glory’s future. Then I found a Doggy Day Care and Obedience business who literally saved us all. Over the course of a year, Glory & I took every class they offered and Glory went to day care 2 days a week. It was expensive & I had to make some major life style changes to the budget, but I saw consistent positive changes happening. I learned a lot about positive reinforcement which I am so grateful for and Glory had a great time at the classes and day care. She is a very social dog which helped a lot in modifying her behavior. She really wanted to please. Glory actually received her AKC Canine Good Citizenship certificate and all I could was sit and laugh remembering all we had been through to reach that point. Exercise and patience is still my mantra when working with Glory. She is almost 9 years old now and a wonderful, high energy, interesting dog. My Corgi still isn’t too sure about her but they live together very well. I’m so grateful to finding the course that worked so well for us.

Our first cattle dog, Ginger, was perfect as soon as she came home from the shelter – no behavior issues. She was a happy social girl – a good “starter” dog. I like to say that she was perfect right out of the box – no assembly required. So after she passed away and we were ready for another dog, we decided to get another cattle dog from the same shelter.

Clove. While she did great in the shelter, it was soon apparent that there would be some assembly required – hundreds of pieces to put together and a few of those pieces were missing. It was clear that she had been a feral girl before she was picked up by a shelter in NM. Not house trained, not socialized, fearful of EVERYTHING in the house. Never been on a leash for a walk. Everything was a new and frightful experience. Our first indication that she might have some issues: the windshield wipers swished once in the car on our ride home from the shelter and she became UNGLUED! Add to that, she was in heat when we adopted her, had Giardia and a stubborn eye infection in both eyes. So that buyer’s remorse set in quickly.

It took lots of patience and a good trainer who worked with us on basic obedience and lots of research on fearful dogs but she has blossomed into a sweet and loving dog. She still has her moments and we know that the issues that we cannot overcome, we manage. I know her limitations and never try to put her in situations where she will fail.

I’ve learned so much from her and I like to think she found the perfect home with us.

I have been involved in rescue for some time, fostered 94 dogs and adopted 4 in the last 4 years. Mind you, three of those four rescues were German Shorthaired Pointers (one an oversized doberman puppy) so that tells you I am a little crazy anyways. haha. I often remind the people who adopt my foster dogs or those that seek advice from me when they wonder “what have I done” that if you were picked up by complete strangers and forced to follow their new rules which you didn’t understand and you didn’t ‘speak the same language how hard it would be to fit in flawlessly from the start. I remind these new dog owners to do things that get them both (human and canine) exercise, to work on finding things they can do together like a basic obedience class and give the dog some understanding……because transitions are tough on the dog even more so than the humans, the humans had a say in it the dog really did not. I think carving out even 30-45 minutes a day (at least three days a week) for those first few weeks and working on things that are important to the new family is key to sucess. You get out what you put in and if you make an effort to invest training and time into the dog you will likley have a dog that learns the new rules and bonds with you faster.

I live in VERY rural France. In February 2016, after his own dog was killed by the neighbor’s, a local sheep shearer bought a female Border Collie puppy (8 weeks old). I ran across them several times and he would be belting her for “not listening to him” Long story short, beginning of October I found out he had never realized she was stone deaf (she is almost totally white) and he pretty much left her to her own devices (read: weaving between cars on the highway) when he wasn’t getting on her case for not herding sheep properly. So I bought her back from him. I already had a 5 year old female Aussie with epilepsy, and a rescue female Border Collie/English Setter cross (about 6 years old). Within a week, it became apparent that Miette was very fearful and riddled with OCDs (she chases shadows, licks the floor for hours, digs holes and circles me like a mad dervish whenever we are outdoors). She got on perfectly well with the other dogs. Beginning of January, Miette began to have HUGE bouts of diarrhea. She was tested and treated for just about everything, to no avail. My vet refused to consider anti-stress medication. She still has bad diarrhea every 2 oor 3 weeks (the kind you describe, Patricia, in The Education of Will) (exhausting). At the end of March, a Border Collie/ Spaniel cross ran up to my gate… and never left. I couldn’t trace his owner and suspect he was thrown out of a car. He is a very unruly young male, very sweet, no training AT ALL. I didn’t want him to be adopted by hunters (whose dogs are generally treated very badly here) and Miette loved him from the start so I kept him. Fast-forward to the end of May: in a matter of 3 days, Miette and Ela (the BC/ES cross) started to fight like maniacs and they couldn’t be in the same room or outside together anymore. They really fought 3 times and last week Miette pulled out one of Ela’s canines because I made a mistake and they ended up in the kitchen together for a few seconds. One of the main problems seems to be that Ela can’t stand Miette and Max playing roughly together. There are no vet behaviorists out there, I’m talking to one over the phone (she’s in Paris) but, in France, vets are not allowed to prescribe drugs without actually seeing their patients so she won’t help out. I’m not all that keen on medicating dogs but I think it might help the 2 females chill out somewhat so that we can train more effectively (and hopefully the diarrhea would stop!). My vet now insists on Miette being rehomed. Do I wish I hadn’t rescued her? Certainly not. Have I given up on her? Certainly not. The situation is heart-wrenching because everybody wants me to get rid of her. I would do it if it was better for her but I can’t think of a single person that would put up with all her issues and treat her well. So I’m still hoping she and the other dogs can have a good life. If things became unmanageable, I would have to have her put to sleep but we aren’t there yet. There are times when I wonder whether I am doing the right thing but I never regret rescuing her from a life of beatings and loneliness.

The only two times we have adopted (dogs) from a shelter have been failures. Both of those because we were either given untrue information or not enough information. We adopted an 8 yo OES after testing him with our golden retriever (who was as mellow as a dog can get anyway). After a few days – in which we all fell in love with him – it became clear that he hated other dogs (except one) and was prepared to rid the world of them. Then he started mounting our 6 yo. The shelter suggested maybe I start walking him at 5 a.m. and THEN told me he’d been there at keast twice with a history of aggression. Why, thank you! I would never have taken him had I been given the information they had. We knew what would happen if we took him back – strike three at a kill shelter – and felt we had no option but to put him to sleep; at least he was with people who loved him to the end. This was years before positive training appeared in our neck of the woods and we felt trapped. The second time, four years ago, we were assured the dog was good with cats. Our cats are inside cats who had only lived with a dog who had been strictly trained by a previous set of cats, so that was vital. (The new dog got along fine with our older dog) After three days the dog started going after them – literally screaming when she saw them and straining to go for them. We took her back – no problem – and she was subsequently adopted by people (presumably catless people) who adore her. It makes us very wary of shelters, although I would certainly continue to get cats from them.

My last OES was rescued and after spending hundreds of dollars of training and tons of time trying, I came to the conclusion that while I was ready and willing, I was unable to create the home environment for him to minimize his PTSD from his abusive previous life. The rescue group was patient and welcomed him back and was able to find a home for him a number of months later. While he was in a better situation, it was not without problems. My hat’s off to them for giving him the few years he had left in a home that loved Finn when I could no longer offer an environment that was successful for him. And hats off to the rescue group. They knew of what you described and took the necessary actions to make the best of a tough situation. Have invited Patience and Faith a permanent home with the latest rescue, a puppy mill survivor and they have been good companions for her and me. ☺️

I am a firm believer that all animal owners are obligated to have an “after I die” plan in place for their animals. Thus I am in the process of bringing mine up-to-date. We have a dog, TinTin, that I consider unadoptable (he must be an indoor dog, he is not and cannot be house-trained, to the extent that he pees on the sofa, , he becomes over-excited to the point that his throat swells shut, and so on) I recently had a conversation with our vet about her role in our plans (it is extensive) and this time I ask her if she would be willing to put TinTin down. She has 1st hand, traumatic experience with TinTin, so bad that once one of her techs had to lay on the floor in a closet with TinTin to keep him calm. After thought, she agreed and said she understood, exactly why we thought that would be doing what was best for him. With any luck we will outlive him and this will not be needed

I fostered for a rescue and successfully placed 45 dogs over several years. It was the most rewarding experience I’ve had. Thankfully the rescue had a policy that took back dogs, no questions asked, even after years. I’m sitting here trying to remember if we took back more than one, who was quite the case. Bella was a Shih Tzu who had been bounced around a number of times, and hated men. Thankfully my husband (God bless him for his patience with me!) made it his mission to convince Bella that hands were for pets, not anything else. Yup, she came around. After 2 failed adoptions, Bella ended up with Ruth who loved that dog like no tomorrow. Ruth called me about a year later and said she had to bring Bella back; she could not tolerate Bella’s attempts to bite, and no groomer would take her any more. So I got Bella back. At this point we were about out of options for poor little Bella. I contacted a pet behaviorist who agreed to help us out and made an appointment with my groomer who had had not issues with grooming Bella while I had her. (The groomer would just step back, tell Bella that she had all day to get her groomed, wait for Bella to settle and start in again. Bella ended up looking pretty!) A couple of days later, I got a phone call from Ruth, crying, almost sobbing, saying she wanted Bella back because she just missed that little dog. Of course we were not going to allow Bella to just return, so Dr. Deb, Ruth, Bella, and I met at Ruth’s apartment and Ruth got a big dose of how to handle Bella, what to do and not do, and Ruth said when it was time for Bella to be groomed, she would drive 70 miles to my groomer. (How’s that for a dedicated owner?) So every couple of months Bella came to be groomed and Ruth and I would have lunch! Unfortunately the story ends sadly. Bella attempted a leap into the car, missed and hit…hard. Long story short, the vet recommended Bella be put down. So once again I received a call from sobbing Ruth asking if I would bury Bella’s ashes in our woods. So Bella is back with us, under the big maple tree at the end of the trail north of the house. Ruth still has a photo of Bella on her Facebook page. We all remember little Bella who finally found love after a rough beginning.

Seven years ago we brought home an 8 month old lab/boxer/pittie mix — just a week after our 14 year old beagle died. I laughed when I saw your three day honeymoon timeline. That’s exactly how long it took for me to say, “what have we done?” We went from an old dog whose exercise needs consisted of walking between her bed and food bowl to a puppy with the energy of the Tasmanian devil of the old cartoons, and the springiness of Tigger. This new dog’s constant staring at me unnerved me as well, and I have to admit that I carried some pittie prejudice at the time. Then I found a wonderful dog trainer who quickly pronounced my puppy a “gem,” and told me to forget about the alpha dog stuff and learn how to give the dog the training she needed to be successful. I can’t say enough about working with a good trainer who is skilled at reading dog body language. She is the best dog I have ever lived with — smart as a whip, easy to train, gentle, good with other dogs and great with people of all ages. She travels all over the country with us in our motor home and is an absolute delight and a fabulous ambassador of rescue dogs in general and her breed mix in particular. She will be a tough act to follow. She would have been the wrong dog for me if I wasn’t retired with lots of time to spend training and exercising her, as well as patience. There is a lot to be said about respecting who a dog is.

We are on month 2 with our rescue and are still having those regrets! Milo, our pit mix was rescued from a high-kill shelter in Texas. We don’t know his background, but he seems to have either high anxiety or an ingrained learned behavior of whining. New places, new people, car rides, and passing dogs on walks send him into a frenzy of screaming and whining. People have come out from their backyards to see what I’m doing to my dog because it sounds like he’s being abused. But I’m just standing there holding the leash, and that’s it. We have an appointment with a local trainer coming up and I can’t wait. I was talking to a trainer friend of mine who observed his mental state and physical state do not align. He will be in the entry way waiting to go for a walk and whine. He whines and whines and whines until he gets tired and finally lays down, but he continues to whine. His body language is calm, ears back, loose, soft eyes, etc. but yet he still whines. Here’s to hoping the trainer can help him and help us! We’d love to take him places, but right now he just can’t handle it.

Oh Man! I hit this point around 48 hours, but it’s not unusual for me to jump the gun. We adopted a dog to give our resident dog a companion (and for me to have another dog to train). They were able to meet on a walk outside, but it was late, cold, and dark so they certainly did not get the ideal “neutral” introduction. Also the adopted dog had just had a traumatic transport from the south, so she was too anxious to open up. When we brought her in, resident dog could not stop snarling at her through the ex-pen. He was guarding EVERYTHING. He loves playing with other dogs so I just took deep breaths and told myself he would come around over time. By 48 hours, things on the dog-dog front were getting slightly better, but we started getting glimpses of separation anxiety from the new dog. Separation anxiety was the one behavior issue I consider a “deal breaker”. All my plans to give the resident dog special one-on-one walks with me went out the window since I had to bring the new dog or she would howl (and I live in an apartment building). I sat on the floor of my apartment and cried and cried and cried. I wondered if I had ruined the life of my resident dog. I wondered if these two dogs were just a bad match – if they brought out the worst in each other. My resident dog had never showed so much animosity towards another dog in his life! The foster family had informed me that the new dog did not have separation anxiety in their home. What was going on?? Things did get better over time. It took about 5 weeks for everyone to settle in and for me to feel comfortable with the dogs in the same space without me directly supervising. The guarding issue is much better now and never escalates past a bit of teeth-baring (and rarely). We’re getting better with the separation anxiety and can leave the dogs home for over 5 hours now. It took so much time. So much emotional work. So much energy. Totally worth it. But I can definitely empathize with the 3-day breakdown. It was rough and scary and I felt like a total failure.

Just brought in an 8 wk old pup to my household of 4 existing dogs ranging in age from 8 mos to 5.5 yrs. I have to say this go round has been the most seamless introduction I have ever had. Maybe because I have learned a thing or two , maybe because the breeder did and excellent job with this pup ( she did!) and maybe because my pack is wonderful and stable. Things that I know have helped is 1 new pup means lots of good eats if we are nice 2 pup is never with big dogs unsupervised and if he is being a pest he is removed 3 big dogs are allowed to gently correct him. 4 he has his own space in an xpen so they are not continuously pestered. I know there will be days or moments of thinking I bit off more than I can chew there always are,but I will have my moment and move on and keep training, keep going to class and keep loving them all and if I need a breal they will get good chewies in their crates for an hour so I can breathe.

Our last dog was 80 pounds of sugar but passed away just over 5 years ago (14 + yrs old). Enter Shiloh. I’ll skip most of the intro but she is a GSD found under a car in NC. She was about a year old, pregnant (for the second time), heart worm positive and nearly starved to death. We adopted her after she gave birth (6 beautiful and health pups). We had no idea what we had gotten ourselves into. Every dog we’ve had was “easy”. Not this dog. We almost sent her to “boot camp” because we had no idea what to do with her. Luckily we got “bad vibes” from Mr Bootcamp and found a Vet Behaviorist and we also found a wonderful R+ trainer. Shiloh went on meds for her anxiety and training/behavior modification began (and is still ongoing). Needless to say 5 years later our girl is still a work in progress, we love her to death, but our lives are very limited and her world is very small, but she’s a really happy dog within her confines. I hate to think of what might have happened to her if she were adopted out to a family with children – I suspect she would have been euthanized. Not sure I would adopt a “known” fearful dog again although now I have more tools in my tool kit. And as an aside: we, luckily, had the means to go to a VB and hire a trainer for an extended period of time. I suspect loads of folks don’t have that advantage and I tip my hat to them for doing what seems like the impossible.

This post comes as I’m struggling with the decision to re-home our 6 yr old Bossy (BC/Aussie). She’s been with us for nearly 4 years. She was vetted by the rescue as good with everything and everyone. Within days, it was clear she wasn’t good with anything but my husband and me. By then she had my heart and I had no idea what journey I had entered into. My husband and I travel for most of the summer months in a motorhome. Our late dog travelled with us and we planned for our new one to as well. It’s been four summers since we’ve been able to travel, because our Lucy doesn’t like other dogs, golf carts, motorcycles. She’s not trustworthy with anyone/thing near her face except those she knows very well. Children are not allowed near her. At least now she’s tolerant of adults and bicycles. She’s a wonderful companion, funny, smart, sweet to us. We’ve worked with positive trainers and a veterinarian-behaviorist. I’ve read countless books and articles. Watched videos. Distance and Duration with high value treats… She’s been to private obedience class before going to group obedience. We’ve tried four different anti-depressants. The one she’s on helps, but is expensive. She’s also very thunder-phobic. She’s not just afraid, she panics. We’ve gone through all the processes prescribed by the VB, but it’s only improved slightly. Since we can’t travel, she’s stuck in SW FL in the summer which is among the top producers of thunderstorms in the country. She’s miserable for five months of the year. My husband who is getting older would like our old lifestyle back and I love the dog. It is a heart-wrenching process to go through. I wish I could see a happy ending for everyone, but I can’t. I want her to be safe and happy.

There is a triplet theme, but I agree with Jackie D, three years is about right for getting a glimpse of what may be possible.

We got Olive from a “rescue” that was shut down a few years ago for cruel and “indogmane” treatment of animals. That should tell you enough about the false pretenses under which we adopted Olive. She had never been in a house before, had no idea what “normal” house sounds were, and had a fear of all new things. That meant she was in constant flight mode (she’s not a fighter). She would jump up and scream at random times – walking across the living room or waking from a sound sleep. She could get up such a head of steam that she literally flew through the air and used the furniture to bank her turns. She was a wired-hair bundle of nerves. And soon, we all were a bundle of nerves. None of us knew what to do or where to begin. We had no idea how small and boring our world was before we met Olive.

I do remember sleepless nights and weepy days when I was overwhelmed with a sense of inadequacy. I did not know what I didn’t know, and I felt that I should have already been two steps ahead. I do remember thinking she deserved a more knowledgeable, more experienced, more aware home. Sometimes, when reading this blog, I would think, “Oh, that person would be perfect for Olive.” It’s a good thing we are more or less anonymous on the web 🙂

Many years, many vets, many vet behaviorist visits, many months and years of rehab (her body is put together a bit more loosely than her mind), many hours reading two library shelves worth of books and this blog repeatedly, and we can’t imagine life without Olive.

She and I have a bond born from trials and tribulations that couldn’t be stronger or deeper. Turns out, we both love to swim, we both love to snuggle, and we both find loud noises somewhat irritating but nothing to worry about any more. One thing we do not share, she likes to sleep in 🙂

How timely. 4.5 weeks ago I adopted a cattle dog x lab (best guess). I knew he was coming with a bad ankle and some issues with crating but the reality turned out to be much different. I made it clear that I didn’t want a project but now I have one. He has a radial nerve injury that may or may not improve with time (it’s gotten a little worse since he’s been here because his activity level here is super high). And he has terrible separation anxiety!

I dealt with this before when I adopted my now 11yo belgian malinois, Rafi. I used your little booklet and it all worked great. But poor Eli came here for a week and then we went to the cottage for 3 weeks. He had just started to adjust to being left at the cottage (even with someone else watching him) when we returned home and now we have to start all over again. I don’t have the support network there that I have at the cottage so I am looking into a nearby doggie daycare. I feel completely overwhelmed and have seriously considered returning him to the rescue. However, his situation there would be terrible as they don’t have the resources we have here. So I am really hoping he passes his daycare assessment and trial!!!!!!!!!!!

I wish there were a support group for new adopters. I have done this many times before but really wasn’t looking for this level of challenge at this point in my life. This little guy has the BEST temperament and would make a perfect therapy dog, especially for kids or older folks. My activity level is too high for him but because of the S.A. I’ve had to take him everywhere. Anyway, thanks for this blog post and I have been reading your work for more than 20 years!!!!!

Thank you all for taking the time to write in. I’ve read all your comments, some of them over and over again to be honest. It is remarkable that so many people have sacrificed so much and worked so hard to help a new dog. Kudos to all of you who have moved heaven and earth and ended up with a happy dog and a happy household. And my deepest sympathy to those of you who are struggling, having ended up with a dog whose behavior was not only unexpected, but has put you in a difficult situation. Argh, I wish all the rest of us could wave magic wands and make everything okay.

The post from Ruth and Elie is a perfect example. I’m so sorry that your new dog is so needy and that your life has been so challenging. All paws crossed that day care will work out; it can be a life saver for some dogs in some situations. I had clients in the same situation who reached to friends and neighbors, offering to pay people to baby sit the dog when they had other option. Obviously you need the funds, but me and my clients were surprised that, for example, a little bit of outreach found an retired person who misses dogs who was happy to help out, etc. I’m hoping that expanding your village and being creative might help too. (Granted, it’s hard to be creative when you’re beyond exhausted.)

I can’t respond to you all, but a few comments: To LisaW–oh what a lucky lucky dog is Olive!

To Jill with Bossy: Argh, so sorry that Bossy has constrained your life so much. Is it insane of me to ask if you’ve ever considered a muzzle? I’ve had some clients who ended up using basket muzzles (not the tight fabric muzzles used for brief medical procedures) and it made their life soooo much easier. Muzzles are more common in Europe than here, and they aren’t perfect. A badly fitted muzzle can come off for example. But it’s amazing how life changes when you no longer worry that your dog might hurt someone. (They also keep people away from your dog, a blessing to many owners.) This may be a crazy suggestion, but I wonder what you think and what others think?

To Ali re your pittie: Wowser. Sounds like something mis-aligned is going on all right. Any holistic vets who do Chinese medicine or Herbal medicine? I’d love to see someone help with this dog’s physiology, cuz clearly something is going on and I wonder if it’s more than just stress related. That said, Maggie whined and paced for days after I got her, she simply wouldn’t settle down. But that was for about 3 days. She still can get a bit whiny when she’s anxious about something, but it’s rare now. Best of luck to you anyway, hope it improves soon.

Trisha, your blog posts always seem to pop up at just the right time for me and I am sitting on the bus trying not to cry after reading through everyone’s comments (so maybe this isn’t the right time, haha). I know what so many of these people are going through, as we are having challenges with our almost two-year old hound mix (best guess) Bowie.

We adopted Bo in May if last year and you couldn’t have found a more chill dog than the one we took home from an adoption event. Around the other dogs at the event, he was interested but not disruptive and it was clear that his only interest was being snuggled (which was our main interest too)!

Once we got him home and had a few walks under our belts, we realized that he looovvveeeedddd other dogs and would make sure to meet them by flattening himself as much as possible on the sidewalk in order to meet them and the other parents would be all too happy to oblige (we also considered that this is fear behavior but he would always pop up and be first to approach the other dog so we took it as “a puppy thing.”). After realizing we were encouraging his behavior, we tried some unsuccessful tactics to get his attention/get him away from the stimulus before they could meet and eventually he would become so frustrated/unnerved by our attempts that he started barking at the dogs. And then he started barking at people (even without dogs). And then he started lunging at people and dogs.

Thankfully, we haven’t had any incidents and shortly after the turn, I bought your books (Cautious Canine, Feisty Fido, The another End of the Leash) and devoured them. We were also in group training around that time and were very lucky that one of the trainers also offered to have a private session with us to back up these learnings. We now go everywhere with high value treats and a clicker and play “Look at That!” and “Let’s Go!” everywhere we go and have seen some success. We can now walk down the street somewhat comfortably but there is still a long way to go and still have bad days when he just can’t be comfortable outside.

My fiancé and I have asked ourselves so many times in the last few months if we really picked the right dog or if we did something to unhinge him, despite having the best intentions and it breaks our hearts to consider the latter. We feel like failures to our sweet Bo (who continues to be sweet and calm when we are all home alone and really is the best snuggler).

It has taken a lot of work (and money – behaviorists and trainers aren’t cheap but we would pay a mint if we had to) to get him this far and it will surely take a lot of work to get where he needs to be (Patience should be our #1 vocabulary word but that is sometimes hard to remember).

My heart goes out to everyone that has had or continues to have behavior problems with their dogs (adopted or otherwise) and thank you to everyone that has shared their stories. It’s nice to know that we’re not alone and that there can be a light at the end of the tunnel, in addition to the end of the leash.

To Ella (and hundreds of others in the same boat): You are NOT a failure. You are Wonder Woman, Heroine, Dog Lover Extraordinaire. Repeat after me: “Bo’s behavior is not my fault. I am moving heaven and earth to help him, and he is the luckiest dog in the world that I am his owner. And best friend.” I am sorry that he has been so disruptive to your life. After going through Willie’s early years, I can relate to the fear, and frustration and outright exhaustion. All I can say now is try to take it for what is it, and only that. Bo is reactive sometimes when he sees other dogs or people. He has not hurt anyone. He is not suffering terribly. You are doing what you can. Repeat that as you snuggle with him on the couch, invite Patience and Faith to sit beside you and be proud that you have given Bo such a wonderful home.

What a relief to know I’m not the only one to think what have I done! after adopting a lovable dog who morphs into a demolitions expert. Duncan the Golden/GSD/Who Knows What was two years old when I adopted him from the shelter, but when he got home he broke out nearly every puppy behavior problem there is. I hadn’t raised a puppy in many years. Not content to wait three days, he began the next day peeing in the house and chewing found objects I had no idea were within reach. His only contribution to the rule of three would be the three remotes he ate during his chewzapaloozas.

Despite his sweet cuddly personality, I wondered if I’d chosen the wrong dog. But he had already claimed a place in my heart that would always be his. I knew we had to make this work. I studied all of Trisha’s books, and Debbie Jacobs’ Guide to Living With and Training a Fearful Dog. At least one human had already let him down badly or he wouldn’t have ended up in a shelter with giardia, kennel cough and “heartworm lite.” I’d never heard that term before, but one slow-kill pill was all it took to cure him of that. Returning him to the shelter was never really an option. His presence would still be in my memory. I would have always wondered what became of him and felt guilty for giving up on him. I was determined to give him the loving forever home he deserved.

Numerous times during Duncan’s first two years with me I felt like the WORLD’S WORST MOM for not being able to help him overcome his fearful, destructive outbursts, and for occasionally yelling at him in frustration when I came home from work to yet another crime scene of pee, poop and assorted chewed up objects. I couldn’t crate him all day, he might hurt himself trying to escape it. No dog gate, no closed door, no creative barricade of heavy boxes piled high stopped him if he was determined to get around it. He would get better for several months, then have a bad setback, then slowly work his way out of it for several more months. He had wise, gentle Meg, my senior girl for company, but he tended to get nervous if mom was out of sight. At first I had to leave the bathroom door open or he would potty in the house while I was in there.

I studied all of Trisha’s books and Debbie Jacobs’ Guide to Livimg With and Training a Fearful Dog. Eventually we went to a series of training classes and he loved it! My smart, friendly, affectionate boy learned quickly, charmed his trainers and earned his CGC. Now seven, he will never be as flawlessly housebroken or calm during storms as his sister Missy, adopted after Meg passed away, but he couldn’t possibly be more loved. In a way all the struggles we have survived together have been what bonded us when at first they threatened to prevent it.

I just stumbled on my Aug 30, 2014 report to the foster group from whom we adopted Obi. Here are the first three sentences: “Two weeks – wow! And we’re still having fun! I only say “OMG, what was I THINKING??!!” a few times a day….” .

With Obi, we were one of the lucky ones who got a GREAT match. I give full credit to the foster group, who worked closely with us before and after adoption to make sure he would be a good fit with our not-so-easy Habi. But we still went through more than one “can we make it through this” moment. [Actually, one reason that Mike and I are still together 26 years is that we went into marriage with the philosophy not of “can we make this work?” but “how can we make this work?” That extra word makes a big, big difference].

Habi was a different story; one well-told by many commenters above. She turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to us (among other things, she gave us a billion opportunities to practice the above philosophy), but I have full sympathy for those who are not equipped for that level of challenge. In my opinion, rehoming, or euthanasia for dogs that should not be rehomed, are valid options if they truly are in the best interest of the dog. Fortunately there are now many more good books, online resources, and in many places great behaviorists and trainers than there were even a decade ago. (If you lack good local resources, I believe that some certified behaviorists offer Skype sessions. Also, the Fenzi Online Dogs Sports Academy offers several excellent online courses for behaviorally challenged dogs).

Lastly – we too made a lot of mistakes with Habi, especially in the first few months before we really understood what we were up against. I carried a heavy burden of guilt for initially worsening her problems, until I discovered these words of wisdom from Maya Angelou. “Do the best you can. Then, when you know better, do better”. I hope they help you others out there struggling along and doing the best you can.

years ago, we adopted a second dog. Knew within a few days it wasn’t a good fit — this pup needed a more active lifestyle. She revealed her high energy after 2-3 days, very sweet, but tackling my other dog, etc. In principle, we should have given her more time to settle down, etc., but my instincts told me that we couldn’t provide what she needed. After a week, we returned her to the rescue group, who quickly re-homed her to an active family in a rural setting, with horses, day-long hiking excursions, etc. Best decision I ever made, trusting my instincts. Would have been unfair, to keep her longer. (Some months later, adopted a second dog, who was a great fit, and a decade later, a super family member and friend to my other dog.) I don’t see the need to wait three weeks… trust your instincts.

I’ve read several of these comments, looking for one that I can relate to… but so far I don’t see anyone who was in the same position I feel I’m in now. I’m a single mom of two kids aged 10 and 7. We’d never had a dog before (my last one was when I was a teenager and if I’m honest don’t think we were great dog owners… I sure didn’t do much caretaking) …But I love my friends’ dogs, I’ve envied the companionship I know they provide, and I thought my kids deserved to know the love of a dog. I thought we were ready. I had planned to try and get us an older rescue who wouldn’t need lots of exercise, who would be happy just to chill and be a companion for us all, and for whom we could provide a comfortable loving home.

So we searched for months and finally got a rescue, but he’s only 10 months old. I knew that when I took him in, but I feel pretty naive for thinking it wouldn’t be a big deal. It’s a foster-to-adopt, so after two weeks we decide if we’re all a good match.

Well, we’ve just hit the two week mark and I go back and forth about a hundred times a day. He’s a GOOD sweet lovely dog, whose only issues are most likely just puppy-related, or potentially just to do with the fact that he didn’t have much love before (apparently he was kept in a cage outside and his owners just decided they didn’t want him after all…)

But I’m experiencing so much doubt. And so much guilt, because all things considered, he’s really an easy dog – mostly house trained, mostly calm and affectionate, and can be left loose in the house when we’re out and doesn’t ruin anything.

My worry is that we just don’t have enough time to give him. That maybe I’m not cut out for dog ownership. I love the IDEA of having a dog. But this is for the long haul and I don’t know if I can actually pull it off. And of course now my children are madly madly in love with him, and I’m worried that if we don’t proceed with the adoption, I’ll traumatize THEM because I’m the only one thinking no…

Two months in and I’m still feeling the “What on earth have I done?!?” at least a few times a day and an overwhelming sense of anxiety has washed over me just in the past week. My rescue boy Moe, is a 40lb lab/bulldog/something mix and seemed like the perfect fit in the first two weeks that I fostered him, so I decided to adopt him! Since then though he’s revealed some serious leash aggression and growling at the slightest noises in my apartment building (which, inconveniently, is full of dogs that we encounter on every walk). We’re working on it but progress is slow and seems to backtrack more often than not. Other than this he is the picture of perfection – low energy, house and crate trained, friendly with people, etc.

Lately, however, just his constant presence and dependency on me has brought on a sickening dread and anxiety that I’ve never experienced in my life. I can’t help but think maybe he would be happier in another home that has more time for him (I’m returning to grad school next week and won’t be able to spend as much time with him). I don’t have the funds for daily dog walking or daycare which makes me feel even more irresponsible. I like to think this is all just a transition/ phase and I’ll wake up one morning and feel the companionship and happiness that everyone else seems to get to eventually with their dog. Fingers crossed.

I just rescued a 2 year old, female boxer/mountain cur mix (from what I was told) 4 days ago and I am feeling the anxiety build! She was a completely different dog at the shelter, laid back and easy going but now that she is home. Holy cow! she is bouncing off the walls, no amount of walks or play time help it either. She is huge and I am so scared she is going to bulldoze right through my little 4 pound chihuahuas, which has me on constant alert when they are all out together. Not to mention the knocking people down, drinking from toilets and somewhat aggression towards the cat (which we were told she was perfectly fine with). My husband is wanting to take her back to the shelter in hopes she will find a better suited home, but I feel so awful throwing in the towel. I hate to give up on this sweet girl, but I fear she might be too much for my family to handle…

I have had several ‘second hand’ dogs. only one ‘failed’, sadly. She was given to me as a Kelpie. but her behaviour was all terrier (at a guess schnauzer X Jack Russell). She was a nice little dog in her own right, but she needed to be an ‘only dog’. She loved to bite at my other dogs’ heels, and I was seriously afraid that my German Shepherd bitch would kill her, if one of the other dogs didn’t first. I surrendered her to the RSPCA, sadly. Another one a small Mini-fixie (like your ‘rat terriers’) I gave away to a man who really wanted him. He was a delight, but yappy and wanted to fight it our with our VERY big, ut affable, male German Shepherd (also a second-hand dog.) Bobby fell on his feet though. I now have a second-hand Speagle, not my sort of dog at all, and a real learning experience for me. I never though had second thoughts about her — because initially I was just minding her, and her original owner couldn’t really get around to collecting her immediately. But Millie was a problem dog, and was very happy to be here living with other dogs didn’t at all want to go home with her previous owner when she did come for her. I probably would have been happier without her, but I have never regretted keeping her. I just don’t think of her as a ‘dog’ — just a Mad Millie.

I just wanted to thank you for publishing this advice. My wife and I had a Pom for 14 years, who died in early 2017. We went without a dog until 3 weeks ago, when we heard about a Pom who just turned 3 who needed help. His owner had to go into an assisted living home and thus had to give him up.

We picked him up on New Years Eve from a rescue after learning about him two days prior. Understand, this is pretty much the coolest dog I have ever met. He is gorgeous, friendly with other dogs and people, housebroken, loves to play, loves affection, is healthy, and really has no issues. It is really not fair to say he is a rescue, in the sense that we were not really taking on any huge challenges with him.

But I got hit with a severe case of post rescue anxiety. It lasted about 6 days, and it was terrible. I got through it, and partly because I reached out to the shelter and spoke with a volunteer there who was supportive but also helped me put things into perspective by asking me to explain what was wrong with the dog and why I didn’t think he was for me. I also found this article and read it several times.

After a week, my anxiety passed and perspective returned. I am in love with my new dog and nothing is ever going to separate me from him, but I was a mess for a week. It happens, and it took me for a ride, but once I bonded with this dog, I had no more anxiety.

I think I have returned to this post over and over again. We’ve had our rescue for almost a year now, and I still get hit with absolute anxiety and dread over him. We love him to pieces, and he’s a good boy, but he has a bit of baggage or genetics at his heels. And, I struggle with the shortcomings I have as a first-time dog owner.

We thought long and hard about the dog we wanted to adopt. We are both avid hikers and backpackers, and we have two cats (which we A-dore). After researching breeds and meeting dogs on the trail, we were looking for a lab-type dog. So, we went to the SPCA had a long chat with the adoption specialist and took home a lab mix that was labeled “ok with cats.”. He was six months old and had just gotten over parvovirus.

Fast forward to him also having Giardia, and that taking a bit to clear up, I don’t think we saw his real personality until about 3 months in. (3s!) He’s energetic to say the least, but he gets over-excited. We take him to a really awesome doggie daycare if we both have to be in the office, so he goes like 1-2x a week. Otherwise, he’s with us. We exercise the heck out of him – long, long walks and fetch. We’ve had trainers come to our house when he was making us nervous with our friends toddler (he just kept going to his face and licking him but would not stop! Cute, until it’s not. Now we just don’t mix him with kids) and we completed the AKC obedience classes.

However, as he is getting older, he is increasingly becoming protective over our property, he’s aggressive with other male dogs that display any dominant-type behavior (any dog looking straight at our boy is a definite ‘we need to get him out of here’ situation) and has begun lunging and barking at the gate that keeps him separated from our cats. We were trying to figure out what type of dog he was so that we could better train him, so we DNA-tested him for Christmas. To our surprise, he’s 40% American Staff, 40% German Shepherd and 15% Belgian Malinois and 5% who knows.

So, of course, I do all the reading about those breeds (and work through my anxiety over suddenly having a pit bull and not knowing which side to believe when it came to that controversy – I’ve made my peace with that! Not to get too off track, but I think that lends itself to his dog aggression, but I don’t think it makes him a more dangerous dog than others.) But much of my reading comes down to the “strong leader” concept. As much as I try to make him “listen” to me, if he has what he thinks is a better plan? That’s what he is doing.

He follows me everywhere, and is really sweet and affectionate. But, his aggression towards other dogs (not all dogs, just some, so we have to be high alert always) and his behavior towards the cats has me so, so nervous. Not to mention, with all of his guard-dog sensibilities, he’s not really a relaxed individual when I take him for hikes so the idea of backpacking with him is out of the question.

The idea of re-homing him is so heart-breaking to me, and also wrought with issues due to his breed type. I want to be a good and reponsible dog-owner, and I do think that I am being that. But, sometimes I just get stuck on if we are the rright owners for him. Woudl a different set of more experienced and perhaps authortative dog-owners be best for him? Am I doing him a disservice by keeping him?

I know, in the end, each situation is unique and it’s really up to us. What I would really love to hear is something like “he’s a hormone-imbalanced teenager right now! He’ll calm down and this is as bad as it gets! Just up that Patience!” rather than “well, he’s still figuring what kind of dog he is going to be . . .” Or, hey, is there some magical next-door neighbor who would be like “we’ll take him but you can see him everyday!” Ha. That would be lovely.

Anyway, that’s my novel and I’d love to hear any advice, or even just thoughts anyone has on this. I really love your perspective, books and this blog.

I adopted a dog and didn’t know about the first few days anxiety and I after 1 day took him back and immediately knew I made a mistake and have been begging the rescue to forgive me and to let me go get him..trying to explain the anxiety took over and I made a rash decision and wanted him back…the rescue won’t talk to me. If this is so common why didn’t they calm me down, talk me out of it and remind me that anxiety can be normal and to please give the dog and myself three weeks to get past this? I’m reading many posts online where this does happen…

I wish the rescue had talked to you! There’s nothing anyone can do if they are going to ghost you, but it is indeed a shame. If all your efforts have failed, then I’d chalk it up to life lessons, forgive yourself and start looking for your forever dog. And please do forgive yourself! It is so easy to beat ourselves up for being human, but dogs forgive us, and they are often wiser than we are, right?

Thank you very much for this kind post that addresses what we humans are experiencing during this transition. We are on day five, and I am in a cloud of free-form anxiety and dread. I so appreciate your post, and everyone’s responses. It DOES feel good to know I am not alone. I’m thankful that my husband has far more patience and faith than I do. I need to work on steps 3, 5 and 6. Thank you for giving me some direction. I am truly grateful to you.

My family is going through this at the moment; our rescue is a 70lb shepherd mix, and we have two children, ages 6 & 3. Our older boy has ADHD and is constantly snapping his fingers and whistling (stimming behaviours, normal for ADHD), and this excites the dog we fear too much. We knew he was big, and figured with some training and consistency we could nip his jumping up and nipping behaviours – but this takes time and patience, which normally I have…but not when it comes at the safety of my kids. Especially when the oldest invites/encourages these behaviours because of the stimming he does. The boys adore the dog, and we all do! He’s got such a goofy personality and just rolls over for the love of belly rubs…but I’m scared we’ve put the kids at risk. They will grow, sure. But for the next several years, if we keep the dog, I don’t think I’ll be able to keep my anxiety and fear at bay; and I know that dogs are very attuned to emotions. I was so hopeful about this, all rosy glow and rainbows…but it’s been a week with our rescue, and my husband and I have been so stressed over this fear all week long to the point that I don’t think our home is/will be a good environment for the dog. I don’t want to fail at this. My guilt of this not working as I’d imagined is overwhelming. But my kids – they have to come first.

Oh oh oh Karla, throw that guilt away as if it was trash you’d found on the street. Honestly girl, you have no reason to feel guilty at all. This is just simply not a good match–not for you, not for your son, and not for the dog. It’s no gift to the dog to live where he has to pretend to be someone he isn’t all his life. Me “y Border Collie Willie could never, even live safely with your son, and for his sake alone (not to mention my son’s), I’d find him a new home. Remember–your duty to this dog is not to force yourself to be “the one,” but rather to know who he is, and help him find the right place for him. Don’t keep living like this, life is hard enough!

Trisha, it’s honestly gut-wrenching! He is such a good dog, so full of love and silliness (he sploots ALL the time!)! If my boys were older, bigger…this would be an absolute perfect fit because they could handle a dog this size a bit better. Double-guilt for me because the foster family was so happy for us all, and we became connected through a mutual close friend… I feel like I’m letting everyone down. I wish the timing was different. But I think you’re right – I can attest to this dog being a big lovable goof, which would be best suited to adults and older children (10yrs and up). I’m double checking with my spouse tonight about our combined consensus, but feel we will likely be taking this gorgeous boy back. (And I will sob for days…I got so attached) Thank you for replying…I know this entry isn’t recent; you’ve been an excellent sounding board. Blessings and peace to you, your fam-jam, skin & fur!

Yes yes, cry your eyes out Karla for this loss, and let your heart swell with pride that you are doing what is right for your children, your husband, yourself and for this silly goof ball of a dog. In my experience you are at the worst of it: Once the decision is made and action is taken, it gets much better.

I just got a dog from clean the shelter out and I was so happy. I still am. My husband on the other hand isn’t. She’s a sweetheart and I want to keep her but I think I over did it. I have 3 other dogs and my pet limit is actually 2 dogs. One of my dogs is my emotional support dog but they still count him where I live. I love her so much but now that I got her home with me I’m regretting it some. I don’t want to have to take her back though. I foster and I feel so bad. She’s the best but I think I should have listened to my husband. But at the moment I was to excited and brought her home even after he said no. I’m not really sure what to do. It’s only been a few hours so far.

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About the Author

Patricia B. McConnell, PhD, CAAB is an applied animal behaviorist who has been working with, studying, and writing about dogs for over twenty-five years. She encourages your participation, believing that your voice adds greatly to its value. She enjoys reading every comment, and adds her own responses when she can.

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Patricia is known the world over for her clear and engaging books and DVDs on dog training and canine behavior problems. You can also “meet” Patricia in person on her seminar DVDs, from The Art & Science of Canine Behavior to Treating Dog-Dog Reactivity.