I am doing a 30-days forgiveness practice from Way of Mastery, and last night I saw a black iron pole through the chest. Just as if I had been inside a Dracula’s body:) The release was s w e e t

Then next level of it came up – and it turned out that I was forgiving stuff in the root chakra. And then Blue reminded me of the image I painted 1998:(see photo of the tree below.)

The Bird in the crown-part is the archetype of the “savior” who needs” to “save” others to achieve value. I have found Bird in all my patients, and much of my forgiveness-work now are finding part of her in my bodymind and forgiving all my judgements of her – oh my! – and instead honoring her for her intense wish to be of service.

This image later became the cover of my book – which is about the exploration of the figures/archetypes in the Tree.

This morning I was nudged to look through the photos of the Image again – and since this healing of the root came up for me now, in our chapter 6-exploration,I want to share the very process of receiving the Image and the energy, that lead up to my work. It feels like this is the time for a new LIGHT into it – and into the root chakra we all share.

Here it is:

“During my education in Expressive Arts Therapy in Switzerland, our class gathered in Gwatt by Thunersee a couple of weeks in May to explore our birth families through painting, sculpting and storytelling, under the magic leadership of Mariagnese Cattaneo. Each of us was to visualize our family as a tree, and then paint the tree (see the Image / the cover). Afterward we made a story from the painting and shared it with a partner. The day after, we expanded the work further – making rapid sculptures of our family members from all kind of materials. I choose clay and painted tissue-paper.

As I closed my eyes during the visualization of my family tree, a tremendous energy soared through me. A door to a blocked and hidden room inside me opened – now the freed energy rushed forth to greet me. “Pay attention! This is important!” was the clear message within the experience. A melting sense of gratitude and release opened my heart and soul – something within whispered “at last” and relaxed deeply.

The image of The Tree presented itself with great force and detail. I painted as if in a trance, with lightning speed, serving the Image as well as I could – not censoring any of the strange mythical figures. The Image commanded faithfulness from me, and my feeling of curiosity and wonder grew as I allowed it to come through me.

After having written down the story coming from The Image, and having shared it with my classmate Aaron, The Image and Story would not let me rest. I decided to create a healing ritual from The Story. I did this with Aaron as co-player and witness. The insights were startling.

I sensed I was being shown something that must not be interfered with intellectually, not analyzed or controlled in any way. Once again, Aaron and I took my sculpted family out into the friendly Swiss wood, just outside our painting studio, to unravel them and explore their mystery and gifts of healing. The ritual exploration was done within a circular sacred space we created, and showed us with uncanny clarity the split within my family’s psyche. One the one side, there was blind need and terror, caused by trance-like sexual abuse. It was accompanied by the denial of the acts and all the pain they caused, which created the adapting, conforming survivors. The family had successfully dissociated from this. And then we all had dissociated from our Self and the light within – our true I Am. This was the beginning of the process that connected me to my forgotten personal story or myth – which later turned out to be a blueprint of the collective Myth, described in “The Jekyll and Hyde-family.”***

I woke up in the same mood as this blog has described for 4 years now – and asked Blue for help. I knew this feeling came from the “little Leelah” I have talked about so often here – the childhood pain I have identified as ME. Have I not healed this yet? What am I doing wrong? asks spiritual ego = spego

“There’s just this little thing” says Blue, smiling – and the morning-feeling comes back with venom and hits me in the chest so I can hardly breathe.

Can you just BE with this – lovingly? Without the story?

I say YES and remember to breathe deeply and relax into the energy

Reader: see a bright sun right HERE

The energy immediately melts –

And there, a little child

It is about 4 years old. Sitting on the ground, playing calmly with some sticks and stones, and looking up at me. I shiver when I see its eyes – it is the Christ Child, just as I saw it many years ago in a group I led on Winter Solstice. Then it was newborn, in the crib.

“Have you come to fetch me now?” it asks. The situation is completely calm and without drama. No rush. My heart beats as I squat in front of it. The air is radiant; there is nothing that is not here in this moment, resting and loving and being embraced by the heart we all share.

I take it in my arms and hold it to my heart, standing up.

While I do that, I sense the old story about the inner tortured child -identity as energy – visiting me each and every morning – and I am aware how much I have valued that story as MY story – a story that proved how good I have been, playing the role that I did in the family, suffering SO much – probably more than others – much more – truly believing that that was my value, this suffering – my specialness

Seeing that as my true identity, of course it was impossible to let go of

And it was the exact moment I just WAS with it, without believing the story, that I freed the Christ within –

The absolute horrible obnoxious energy was just a filter, a veil that I had projected between me and Truth. MY decision.

Not believed in, it melted immediately when it received my willingness to be with it

As a therapist, seeing clients presenting their stories of suffering, it is a balance to feel compassion for what they have lived through – but never believe it – as Emmanuel wrote to me once:

”What to do about the nightmares – the times when it seems that darkness is to take your breath and life away? simply know this: you are living a recall, not a current event. You are projecting out into the void a memory – fraught with terror, and a child’s experience – but a memory in distortion. What to be done? listen with respect to what the wound is telling you, but never, never again believe it. What is needed now, is what was needed then – a presence of a loving and tender adult who can compassionately embrace the terror and remain in truth.Dark spirits are simply dark memories projected from past to present. They seem to take form and hold power for exactly as long as you are willing to give them life. You cannot kill them with hatred. You can transform them with love.”

“They seem to take form and hold power for exactly as long as you are willing to give them life.”

Thank you God for letting me see that it has been my choice to keep them alive, as my suffering-identity – which for so many of us has seemed to be the only one, or at least the one that has brought attention 🙂

Just this reminder then – become aware of a perceived need to hang on to the stories of pain as something that makes you you.

It reminds me of a time where I had just received the most phenomenal aromatherapy. The body floated when I walked to the bus – and the thoughts came: “but this is not really how it should be – right – I do not feel like this” and I went into the closest shop and bought a lot of chocolate to comfort that old me – being aware that I just re-created her, and noticing that I preferred that.

So the wonderful feelings went away, and the body felt like crap again – and was satisfied: now it could look forward to the next out-portioned bits of bliss. Cause that identity can ONLY have chocolate and nice things when it has suffered enough – it must earn it.

A true cornerstone in the ego thought-system

This is what I want to be aware of right now: the Christ child IS picked up again – and still, the body/parts of me/ insists that “this is not how WE feel.”

No it isn’t, my darlings, but you can get used to it.

It’s just a decision

*

And this: 🙂 “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me”

Thank you for that vision, Blue – and the reminder that I am not this body and its memories through all times.

Uncanny how we are able to direct the electronics around us to play on team with the lessons we need. My pattern is to have people treat me disrespectfully, come late to appointments, or “forget them.” This gives the old story a chance to insert itself on anybody I am communicating with in my surroundings. “This ALWAYS happen to me.” This time 2 plumbers acted it out perfectly for me.-I knew I was stuck in an old story, and had worked for a whole day with praying to see it differently, being willing to forgive myself for my creation etc. It was exhausting, and it felt like doomsday – death, almost.

What I truly need to take in, is that my phone also played along with my unconscious need to be unjustly treated. So when he came – ½ hour after he had set the appointment, after having moved it 3,5hours later, I was livid. My story was affirmed, other people were NOT to be trusted. I was NOT being respected. He could at least phoned and let me know! And this time I was not willing to pretend that all was well, so I confronted him with 3 breaks of promises, not meeting to appointed times. No more meek sheep.

He told me he had got no messages on his voice-mail and no sms’s – that was strange since I had sent 1 of each. I told him I had given him my cellphone nr, he said he had not got it. He said he had sent messages on my answering machine, I said it had not made a sound, and I was in the same room as the phone.

The communication was 1) at first a tie – both defended their status as unjustly treated and innocent accused – then 2) we started to listen to each other 3) then, as he told how a plumber’s day is very unpredictable – like suddenly encountering a leak in the wall and the work taking 3 more hours – ahhh that killed a lot of paranoia – and I could tell him “I made up a lot of stories there” and he smiled and told me not to do that – and his boss had 2 days ago got a little girl, so that’s probably why he did not answer my mails – jeesh I could get that – and suddenly I stood in a shower of light: that old vortex of hatred , guilt slinging and blame just dissolved.

And we smiled and smiled, and when he left he shook my hand firmly and looked straight into my eyes.

And now comes the clou: although I had sat near the phone when he called and left 2 messages that he was going to be late, I had not heard a sound. And that phone gives a loud sound. I found the messages after he left LOL

It shows me how much push it was inside me to KEEP the story and be RIGHT – but he was right, and it felt just delicious. I guess all that praying and practicing for hours had an effect LOL

It reminds me of a similar happening last Saturday: I was in town, and a brand new schedule – shining white – announced the tram departures to the address to a workshop. A man at the station pointed out that that train had stopped going to my destination 3 years ago! Now it went only one station.Still, that schedule was brand new I tell you. THIS story was another old one: “I am always tricked.” And this time, the miracle was there on the station as this young man – how could he know I was not taking the tram for only one station? I asked him that, he just smiled and took that one-stop-train to the end station “ The Castle-garden.”

Nice symbol, don’t you think?

So I took another train and allowed HS to direct me. When I finally reached the destination of the Workshop, even the map I had showed a wrong placement in the road.

All this shows me the power of the mind to project the exact illusions that mirror what we have chosen as our “reality.” And as shown here – we easily bend physical laws to prove that we are right.

Now I thank God for the force of that unpleasantness: if there comes a next time where I want to be unjustly treated, I will shudder and say “No thank you. I choose love instead-”

PS: That plumber was dressed completely in red. Only when I saw this image just now on Facebook did I understand the deeper meaning of the lesson to day

I am currently going through a process called “40 days” created by Lisa Natoli. It refers to Jesus’ 40 days in the desert, where he committed to sit until he knew the Truth. And all kind of temptations arose around him – manifestations of the false mind, the ego thought system -and he did not budge.

When we sign up for this process – guided with daily audios/videos and blog from Lisa, and a Facebook-group to share experiences in – our soul’s hidden unwanted stuff arises too. And if it does not arise as thoughts in the mind, it manifests outside of us. The process is total commitment to hang in there, whatever seem to happen, inside or outside. Accept everything as it shows itself, know that all is good even though it does not seem like it – know that you rest in Spirit/Self/Christ, and allow IT to do the healing and purification of the mind that is creating these manifestations.

Since I started, the energies in the night have been horrendous. Today, from a liberated view, I see that I have been trapped in false identification with fear-stories.

Today, I am almost finished with the Quan Yin book. It feels like I wrote it myself – so intimate, so absorbed in me is her story. I listened to the CD inside the book with the meditation again and again – and suddenly I got the idea to change my usual bed to another bed in an adjacent room. I even changed my direction in the bed: now my head is in the North.

I slept ca 80 % better

In the morning, the intensely charged fear energies returned -and the usual feelings of hopelessness – and then the idea/inner knowing: “since you notice these false ideas/voices, you cannot be them.”

Gradually the false identification slipped off – I was seen to be the awareness of it all. Deep peace and restfulness.

Then I listened to Lisa Natoli’s audio for today. The following is a mix of my own experiences and Lisa’s story to us on the 5th day.

We are reminded to allow everything to be just like it is – “You need do nothing”, ACIM.

Today the exercise is “Telling the true story.” It points to the fact that a human being identifies with the appearances of things – fear and pain and confusion become “my” fear and pain and confusion = “I am therefore a victim.” Since only Love/Spirit is true and real – deny the appearances of anything else. My belief that the crazy energies each night are “mine” makes it my experience – but true it is not.

Lisa shares how when something happens to us, like these crazy energies/pains to me, we immediately start to tell stories about/interpretations about it; “Oh I am not healed yet. I must be stupid who has not got this already” etc. She helps us see how we beat up on ourselves with shoulding and self-hating. “Oh there is more work to do. Sigh, how overwhelming.” No, it isn’t. I am awake, I was always awake, dreaming about separation. Where I lapse, is where I identify with the false voices and thoughts: like “there is something in me that MUST be fixed before I am free.”

The relief of realizing that the shoulding hating voices can just be there – just noticed, “there I go again, no biggie” is a vast relief.

Lisa shares a true story about Myrtle Fillmore – the following paragraph is from the website:

Myrtle was afflicted with tuberculosis at a young age and spent many years believing she was incurably weak and sickly. While attending a lecture by metaphysician Dr. E.B. Weeks in 1886, Myrtle learned of her innate potential for divine healing through the use of affirmative prayer. She began regularly affirming, “I am a child of God, and therefore I do not inherit sickness.” Over time,(2 years) she was healed of the tuberculosis that had threatened her life.

She knew that the appearance of malaria and tuberculosis was not who she was. And in the same way, I am noticing as true that the appearances of raging pain/darkness is not who I am – just the play of Mara, as the Buddha realized under the Bodhi Tree.

Like this:

How crystal clear this is now: the ridiculousness that the view of life, the perceptions of the story-I, should be taken seriously.

I see how I have allowed a little tortured child to be the authority on how life and other people are to be perceived. Oh,the spell of being inside such a story, of identifying with it. There are waves of sickness and strong pains welling up now, and “I” can be with them kindly, just letting them be, and more important – allowing my Christed Self – the Self of us all – to deal with it.

It is not taken seriously, not taken personally.

I see how thwarted those story-perceptions are, how they are made from looking through distorted lenses – how this is surely “her” world – and as I am writing now, there is not even a “her” to find anywhere – just seamless sensations, sounds and images shifting within this moment.

Knowing this, life is simple: no identification, just awareness, resting in it. There is acute awareness of all of “Leelah’s” emotional quirks, and a complete allowance of letting them pass through this infinite awareness-space that embraces all.

The second all Leelah’s resistance is encountered – as sickness,pains etc – and is received in gratitude of this harmonization, they stop being nuisances.

*

I am now the proud owner of your book, I purchased it right before writing this note to you, and you know what, it feels like a “big” thing for me. If I ever needed further proof, that knowing something intellectually, and experiencing it are two vastly different states of being, then I should remember how I felt intellectually when I thought of buying your book, and how I feel now.

Reading through some initial parts of it briefly, I felt like something had shifted within me. I am not able to give it a name, but resistance is some part of it too. Like my subconscious mind knows there is healing available for me through your writing, but I want to ignore it, so I can stay the George that I am.

Luckily,, my other part of my mind knows that it is time to move further along, to turn a notch in the journey without distance to the center of my heart, and so, I am grateful for the gift of being able to buy your book today.

Guest post from Nichola. Our intention with our work is to allow old blocks to Love to be brought to the Light of Love, or Holy Spirit. This is how Nichola experienced it:

Yesterday I had a Skype session with Leelah.

The first thing I tell her was that I am feeling heavy – the heavy feeling has been with me all day.

The she asks me to describe it – I see a big heavy stone dragging me down, pulling me into the earth.

She asks: If it could be a person or a character what would it be?

I see a cartoon figure – it is a figure from a childhood bible called

Good News for Modern Man I didn’t like those graphics when I was a child.

Leelah ask me where it is:

The figure is sitting on a rock outside of a cave. I realize that it is sitting outside of the tomb of Jesus, but in fact the tomb is empty – it is completely hollow. That is because there never was any Jesus in the tomb, I realize. Nobody died for my sins – that was just a story. My body now feels hollow, like the tomb and the heaviness has dropped away. What a big surprise – nobody died for my sins and I am not guilty – it was just a story (laughing a little and enormously relieved and free feeling.

Leelah asks me if I can invite Love into the hollow tomb and the hollow space in my body.

My arms and legs are filled with golden light and my hands are buzzing with energy – I see that they are holding balls of golden light.

Leelah asks me where I want to put this light and I say into my heart and chest.

When I do this I see that inside the chest is like an abandoned cave – – a broken and sorrowful place.

As I bring the energy in from my hands, torches are lit up on the walls and everything starts to feel more comfortable and soft.

Leelah asks me if I see anyone. I see a woman with long blonde hair lying on a stone bed – at first I wonder if she is dead but I see that she is sleeping.

Leelah asks if she could be me, and I say yes. She is me but also she has been around a long time, a lot longer than me, and these two things do not seem to contradict each other.

Leelah asks is she has anything to say to me and I say yes – she asks me to love myself.

*

Then Leelah shows me how to be witness for her and I feel a little inadequate but try my best anyway. She is feeling a cold pain and a kind of metal band across her shoulders and a wave of black anger coming up.

Then she sees the tomb and enters it. Lots of hysterical giggling as the tomb is full of playful angels – angels pulling funny faces at her, pulling at their cheeks with their hands. We are both laughing a lot at this – and the idea that this story of our guilt and the tomb is just that – a story that the angels can make such a fun joke about.

After this:

Nichola is sending me 9 empty emails. When I ask her to look what they really say, she tells me that maybe they are 9 empty tombs.

Giggle

We really need to get it hammered in, don’t we!

*

The idea of a Son of God dying to save humanity is alive in Christians. This blog does not in any way want to mock the Christian religion – or any religion at all – just present Leelah’s path to awakening. That started in Protestantism, went deep into Catholicism, then into Mystery Schools of Kabbalah, Sufism and Advaita Vedanta. In those years I experienced these traditions in my own life, and one brought me harmoniously into the next – until I ended up with A Course in Miracles which shows us in clear detail the difference between illusions and reality. Reality, The Course holds, is our Oneness with God – and the world with its individuals and thought-system of separation belongs to the Dream we all are dreaming – where the seemingly separated persons are nothing else than an outer picture of wrong-minded thoughts. As we notice these thoughts and forgive them, the outer world will start to mirror our healed state of mind, and the consequence is that we start to see through the old stories of pain, punishment and darkness.

The Course hold also that it is just one of hundreds thought-systems/religions which all will take us Home – the Course just lets us know that it is the fastest way. And I do want that 🙂

These words came into my mind this morning. Clear, calm voice spoke them.

Yesterday several years of agony due to holding on to a false story crumbled.
Peter and Betty had been visiting – and I had planned to confront Peter with something he did here when he was visiting that I thought was both weird and irreverent.

He did it this time too – and the same night was without one minute’s sleep, just endless automatic spinning of the old attack-story. The sensations of toxicity were so overwhelming that I believed I would not survive one more night with them.

So I mailed Betty about this thing Peter did – and it turned out that what I had spun out was utterly made up in my mind, seen through the filter of the stiffened enemy image my mind has used as a lens of true perception.

When all the beliefs that this story was true and said something dangerous about Peter were gone, I could lay down and just allow the toxicity and strong physical pains and tensions just come up to be seen and forgiven and released. Each time a new layer surfaces, I relaxed around it and intended to release it.

The night before – and months before that – my mind had been feverishly busy in trying to foresee what I thought were Peter’s strange acts, which in my story meant that he was projecting hugely on me. This belief was enough to catch me in the old “foresee disaster so you will not get stuck in it”-pattern.

And it was seen as my old story completely, with no trace of reality in it.

This morning, after many vivid dreams forgotten when I woke up, I felt strange. I had a breakfast and threw up. It felt very liberating to do that: I almost never throw up.

So much violence – all coming out of a failing ability to open to one’s grief. And all the characters were described in such a way that their helplessness was evident – the bad guys and girls where just helplessly caught in a blind pattern of acting out violence to attain a semblance of control in their lives.

At the end, control breaks, all the “worst” happens, and the ending is happy.

Yes. Not broken. What broke, was the belief in the value of violent defense-mechanisms.

Just as this night, that old mechanism was brought to the surface and truly seen through and related TO and not FROM

I have all the nights, minus 1, since the stone was thrown, felt sucked into a huge magnetic field of terror/guilt/unhealthy energy where the same thoughts have kept circulating, and have been bought into. I have believed them – and this belief has powered them and made them seem real.

Believing in the story about the victim-me has magnetized the post-traumatic stress-syndrome, inclusive depression.

This morning , after feeling the usual hellish feelings, and asking for help to see this differently, the thought descended: “This is just a story.You are not the hero of the story: you are observing it.”

In one second all the terror slipped off.

I was lying in bed and sensing how the “old identity” tried to insert itself. It certainly felt like something alien, but that was seen as a thought too – and I could choose to believe in it or not.

I chose not to.

Later in the day, I worked with Ashera again. We explored a huge resistance around the heart-area, and I “heard” threats: “You belong to me. I owe you, I am the powerful, and you are nothing.”

I have most of my life heard this voice – and I have mistaken it for something alien,“outside” of me. But this was discovered to be a “protector” from my own mind, whose function it was to scare me witless, so I never went near the original doom and terror-feelings in the center of the heart at a time where I was not mature enough to release them.

As Ashera talked, it became clear that the former “threatener”-function/voice willingly gave up its protector-role, as soon as I had accepted its function as original positive – the threatening was scaring me away from possible overwhelm and psychosis/suicide. Now, being seen with Love, it transformed into a warm loving light around the heart.

It was discovered that I had a contract/vow of taking on a savior-role, helping as many as possible. I released that gladly – and asking Holy Spirit to correct it, was shown that the only thing to do, was to forgive the very idea of suffering and responsibilities and Bodhisattvas ( and specialness-)

1) Affirm that you/A/ are as God created you: free, healed, whole and innocent, with the power of God in your mind. Breathe into your heart while saying this affirmation. Sense the shift in your energies as you do this.

2) Affirm that the other person /B/are the same: s/he is not their behavior, but Spirit with the power of God in their mind and heart. Affirm their original essence.

3) Sense the Presence of the Spirit inside of B: Join with, link with, engage with this Spirit in the other – feel how the unhealthy connections release and sense how only Love remains.

This can also be done between you and group of people – dead or alive – like family, workplace, community – and also an animal.

4) Call upon assistance of the Divine: The Holy Spirit/ God/Love/ All that is – whatever name you feel is appropriate. It immediately shifts the situation into whatever it’s supposed to be, by providing you with any necessary insights, protection, healing or act of grace.

*

What a wonderful helpful gift: to truly KNOW that any resistance – how vicious it may sound and feel – is just a form of protection, and earlier decision made from fear – but with the intent to protect this “you” we thought we were.

Time is 4:04 am January first. This time is called by some “The time of Angels.”

I wake up by a huge crashing sound. Think it is firecrackers.One more crash – bigger. Intuition; get up and out on the veranda – there is some mischief going on downstairs.

Enormous crash – Look down, man runs away. He looks so strange: pointed blue hat, beige sweather and knickers! He is very tall. I have a feeling of unrealness.

Down in the living-room, I see a big stone in the middle of my floor. The glass-door is broken. you wouldn’t believe how much glass-shards there is from such double-glass doors.

And first now do I realize that that man threw that stone through the door to get in. Or – to just crush something in anger.

Shock. Instant ice-cold. Fear:”He will be back!”

Calling the police, they come quickly, the male sergeant photographs footprints in the snow ( super-clear prints,) the young blond sergeant listens to me, patiently,gently. They call the glass master who arrives shortly after. He sets up a proviso new glass slate – and removes most of the shards.

That touches me! They all are so kind and helpful. I ask for a hug, and he smiles and gives me a good one. My cold body becomes warm.

No sleep. Next morning I call the police station to set up a time for filing a claim. They tell me that they will do it for me, so I do not need to travel.

Sitting with this, I know that it is part of a process of healing and awakening.

The night is filled with full-blown post traumatic stress. The symbol of a man who crashes the door to my home is a metaphor for rape. I notice that the man himself was not inside my house: only the stone. Seeing this brings shivers of release down my spine: this is happening through me,as me, a healing FOR me. “ME” meaning decision-maker in the mind outside time and space.

Next morning – today – I find anger. I welcome it, and tears flood horizontal. What a force behind them! It feels like an encapsulated wound has been burst open, and waves of gratitude flows through me. While the crying is going on, there is a knowing that the stone-thrower has given me a huge gift: he has burst the door to my old repressed and JUDGED anger – the one that thinks it is guilty and sinful if anger is voiced and expressed in any way at all.

I call the psychiatric acute-team and ask them to come home to me. I want to have witnesses to the stone and the glass – witnesses who are professional health-workers, and who can receive this anger and other feelings which may arise, now when the wound is fresh. This is the gift – to have someone witnessing it very soon after trauma and shock happened – so at last I can express the energy. That breaks the pattern of denial that has held the old wound encapsulated.

Oh I love the idea of fetching the stone back into the living room! Now it is seen as a gift – I want to make art of it! Will take photos tomorrow and post here.

*

Later, in the evening:

Two women from the Psychiatric Acute team was here. I told them the story and showed them the stone. Peggy said: “That is a lava-stone.” We talked about the symbol of a man filled with rage crushing the entrance – and that the stone in fact is fire from the center of the earth, petrified. And fire is a great metaphor for anger – but also for will, power, strength and transformation!

It felt great to have those two professionals listening to what happened: the story could be told, simply, without having to “protect” anybody from it.

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