Professional. Aunt. No kids.

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Reasons why I don’t have kids #1

I like to sleep a lot. And lie in at the weekend. And go out until the wee small hours with no military operation and added expense of organising sitters/overnight carers/surrogate mothers (or fathers. No sexism here). I like siestas when I’ve got a couple of hours between classes. Weekends are precious recovery time from the week. I like to not set the alarm and wake up at 11am sometimes. I like to spend some Sundays in my pyjamas all day, watching movies, napping and only venturing to the outside world for a crap food stock up and maybe some cava. (When I’m not drying out of course!) Children do not feature in my daydream, funnily enough, of the image I have of myself as a latter-day Joan Collins, swishing around the flat in my marabou housecoat and mules sporting one of my stunning array of wigs, in a slightly fuzzy haze. Although I am quite sure that Joanie would never. ever, in her life don a heart-print, Primark onesie.

Last year, I was chatting to one of my bosses about babies as the Director of Studies at his school was expecting. As always, the automatic connection is made when women of a similar, certain age are involved in a baby conversation and he said the inevitable, “…and what about you?” Now, I don’t know if I mentioned, I’m a whole 42 years of age. I would have to be stark-raving, mad-barking bonkers to think about children now. My response was swift and no thought was necessary, as I said, “Nnnooooo, I don’t think so”. This response is always understood to be a knee-jerk to the fact that you think that you won’t ever find love in time. Or were it not for the fact that your paths will never cross, you and Ryan Gosling are obviously meant for each other and so, with sadness in your heart, you will remain childless. Or that you are ignoring that proverbial clock ticking loud and furiously inside your womb, followed by an optimistic, “oh, don’t worry, women today can have babies much later.” Rather than simply being accepted as a well-informed, personal choice. I know they can, modern science and medicine is a wonderful thing (Dr Robert Winstone is an awesome human being and secret weird crush of mine. It’s his enormous brain). And for women who haven’t been lucky enough, for whatever reason in earlier life to fulfil their dream of motherhood, this is fantastic news. No doubt.

“If I met the man of my dreams tomorrow, I wouldn’t have a baby because I like to sleep.”

This bombshell was met with an audible gasp and a “Oh, what? You can’t say that, that’s not a reason.”

Yes it is. I like to sleep and children don’t like you to sleep. FACT. I know this from the parents of my nieces and nephews who have been awake for approximately the last 10 years.