We’re going to need to quadruple the capacity of America's suicide hotlines if my fellow liberals, progressives, democratic socialists and other subdivisions of the lefty blogosphere get their wish and The Trumpster gets impeached.

Never mind that with so many jellyfish and other invertebrates in the Senate on the majority Republican side of the aisle, that’s about as likely to occur as an updated Satan leaping out of the pages of Milton’s Paradise Lost and sliding down a rainbow to smite Mitch McConnell on the Senate floor. Never even mind that, should such a spectacular miracle come to pass, it’s out of the frying pan and into the hellfire of Mike Pence.

No, ignore all of that. Just suppose it actually happens. I mean, play along with me, merely for the sake of argument. Know what’s going to happen nine seconds after Trump gets impeached?

Every comedian in the United States is going to commit suicide, that’s what.

From the struggling standup schnooks who “Will Work 4 Laffs,” to the likes of guys who are probably making millions at it, like Stephen Colbert, the comedians are going to be suddenly bereft of jokes. The geyser of free and effortless material that Donald Trump has beneficently been providing them since he announced his candidacy for President will instantly go dry.

I mean, can you blame any comedian for suicide if the Trumpster calls it a day?

Trump is the joke that not only keeps on giving, but keeps on rewriting itself so that it’s fresh material seven nights a week. My advice to anybody who lives in New York: if they announce the Trumpster’s impeachment, stay indoors and under no circumstances walk under any windows until all the comedians have finished jumping.

Is sex really better with her if she’s 14 years old, Mr. Secretary? The New York Times may be the newspaper of record, and the Washington Post the newspaper of editorial bravery (sometimes). All the same, in my next life, if I can’t come back as an irresistibly handsome quadri-multi-super-guhzillionaire, I went to come back as a reporter for the Miami Herald.

I dunno what it is about Miami. Something in the water, I suspect. At any rate, the tabloids I worked for and competed against from 1960 to 1962 had nothing on the contemporary Miami Herald's content. Speak of gifts that keep on giving!

I started reading the paper for the simple pleasures of digesting Carl Hiaasen once a week. But then, I discovered the news columns. And now I'm as hooked on the Miami Herald as any crackhead ever was after his umpteenth pipeful of the stuff.

A case in point: a series of stories that ran in the Herald — the first one headlined, “How a future Trump Cabinet member gave a serial sex abuser the deal of a lifetime.”

The cabinet member is Alexander Acosta, currently The Trumpster’s Secretary of Labor. The Miami Herald is telling us that earlier in his career, when he was “a rising Republican star” he arranged for a sleazeoid multi-millionaire hedge fund type named Jeffrey Epstein to avoid a potential sentence of life in the slammer for the statutory rape of numerous adolescent girls, some as young as 14, pressuring them to recruit other girls for his personal pleasure, and also pimping them out to a list of international celebrities you’re not gonna believe unless you read the articles.

Instead, and most suspiciously, Epstein was permitted to plead guilty to just two relatively petty charges of prostitution in a state court, for which, instead of life, he got 13 months in the county jail.

But wait, there’s more!

According to the Herald, part of the deal, despite a federal law that prohibits such an arrangement, was to seal the court records so that the victims wouldn’t know how justice wasn’t served.

But there’s still more!

The deal included immunity for Epstein and to “any potential co-conspirators” from Federal charges.

Co-conspirators? Ya mean like...?

While there’s no evidence that Donald Trump was a co-conspirator in any underage sex activities, says the Herald, "Trump is Epstein’s neighbor in Palm Beach and former friend who also flew on Epstein’s plane.”

And of course, Donald Trump would have no interest whatsoever in sex with a pretty young girl.

Speaking of The Trumpster, Trump repeatedly said he’s responsible for the state of the stock market. That’s what he told us, ad nauseum — when the market was up. I’m writing this after a day when he market took a hair-raising slide. The Dow was down over 799 points today — yet another reason not to stand under any open windows, especially on Wall Street.

3 comments:

Don't forget though, that tRUMP and some of his degenerate pals were accused of raping an underage girl.I lost track of that case when tRUMP was on the campaign trail, since there were daily, if not hourly, vicious assaults on logic, morality, and a whole lot of other important things.