Giving Sports a Roundhouse Kick to the Nuts

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Beating a Dead Horse...

According to the latest research, 11 out of 10 people didn’t realize Barbaro was a horse. Below are actual quotes from various writers, doctors and general idiots:

"This horse was a hero" --David Switzer, executive director of the Kentucky Thoroughbred Association-This horse was a hero in the same sense that Captain Caveman was. Did I miss something? Was he pulling babies out of raging fires?

“When the biography of Barbaro is written it could easily be called ‘Fighter’ ” --Don Agriss, Horse Racing Editor for The Sports Network-Or it could be called "Horse"

"Throughout this period he has been a calm, relaxed horse," --Dr. Dean Richardson, chief of surgery at New Bolton-Perhaps because he had no idea he was about to be put to death.

"In diagnosing the public's unreasoning love for Barbaro, maybe it comes down to the fact that he never lied to us" --Sally Jenkins, Washington Post-I guess it's true, he never lied to us. You know who else never lied? Jaws. He was a brutally honest Great White shark. You knew all he wanted to do was eat you.

"On the track, his trainer and jockey reported that there seemed no end to what he was willing to give. "Bottomless," was how they described his heart." --Sally Jenkins, Washington Post-Potentially "Delicious," described a starving Serbian...

“He represented those qualities you like not just about American sport, but about Americana. You don't have to be the very best to capture our hearts, but if you want to be the very best and you fight to be the very best, we'll give you our best.” --Rick Maese from The Baltimore Sun-Was that last part lifted from a 1980’s Hulk Hogan speech?

"Barbaro was an honest, blameless competitor. Unlike so many people in the sports pages, he was neither felonious, nor neurotic." --Sally Jenkins, Washington Post-More with the honesty. We get it, a horse can't lie, it can't fucking talk, animals don't talk, this isn't Looney Tunes. Oh wait, maybe it is...

"Maybe Barbaro, as the fallen champion, was reminiscent of a country that was seriously wounded on 9/11 and has been wobbly ever since. Maybe the horse's medical roller coaster struck a chord at a time when a great American city, ravaged by nature and neglect, still can't stand up." --William C. Rhoden (aka the raging Teradactyl on The SportsReporters)-Bill, get a fucking clue dumb-ass, you are relating the death of a horse with the most tragic event America has seen on its soil since the bombing of Pearl Harbor.

"They are engineered so close to the margins of what is physically possible that when one thing fails, it can cause the failure of the whole animal." --Jane Smiley, Special to the Washington Post-You are close, Jane Smiley, and we appreciate it, but it seems he was "engineered" beyond the margins of what is possible. And you still make them race at unnatural speeds. And hey, maybe that is fine. Just don't fucking cry about it when his little ankle snaps.

"Here was the champion athlete living like a regular guy - how could the world not fall in love with him? - and how our hearts broke when his hind leg shattered. It was a tragedy happening before our eyes on live television." --Marcella Peyre-Ferry, Special to The Phoenixville News-Yes, yes…. Barbaro was just a regular guy. One of us. He wore jeans on Saturday, watched football on Sunday, had the occasional beer with the fellas down at the local pub, was a great joke teller too. What I'll miss most is riding in his pick-up and blaring Metallica.

“For those who scour the sports pages every morning, Barbaro was quite a horse, and he'll be remembered as such. For so many others, he was so many other things.” --Rick Maese, The Baltimore Sun-Like potential glue for my arts and crafts project.

Comments

Beating a Dead Horse...

According to the latest research, 11 out of 10 people didn’t realize Barbaro was a horse. Below are actual quotes from various writers, doctors and general idiots:

"This horse was a hero" --David Switzer, executive director of the Kentucky Thoroughbred Association-This horse was a hero in the same sense that Captain Caveman was. Did I miss something? Was he pulling babies out of raging fires?

“When the biography of Barbaro is written it could easily be called ‘Fighter’ ” --Don Agriss, Horse Racing Editor for The Sports Network-Or it could be called "Horse"

"Throughout this period he has been a calm, relaxed horse," --Dr. Dean Richardson, chief of surgery at New Bolton-Perhaps because he had no idea he was about to be put to death.

"In diagnosing the public's unreasoning love for Barbaro, maybe it comes down to the fact that he never lied to us" --Sally Jenkins, Washington Post-I guess it's true, he never lied to us. You know who else never lied? Jaws. He was a brutally honest Great White shark. You knew all he wanted to do was eat you.

"On the track, his trainer and jockey reported that there seemed no end to what he was willing to give. "Bottomless," was how they described his heart." --Sally Jenkins, Washington Post-Potentially "Delicious," described a starving Serbian...

“He represented those qualities you like not just about American sport, but about Americana. You don't have to be the very best to capture our hearts, but if you want to be the very best and you fight to be the very best, we'll give you our best.” --Rick Maese from The Baltimore Sun-Was that last part lifted from a 1980’s Hulk Hogan speech?

"Barbaro was an honest, blameless competitor. Unlike so many people in the sports pages, he was neither felonious, nor neurotic." --Sally Jenkins, Washington Post-More with the honesty. We get it, a horse can't lie, it can't fucking talk, animals don't talk, this isn't Looney Tunes. Oh wait, maybe it is...

"Maybe Barbaro, as the fallen champion, was reminiscent of a country that was seriously wounded on 9/11 and has been wobbly ever since. Maybe the horse's medical roller coaster struck a chord at a time when a great American city, ravaged by nature and neglect, still can't stand up." --William C. Rhoden (aka the raging Teradactyl on The SportsReporters)-Bill, get a fucking clue dumb-ass, you are relating the death of a horse with the most tragic event America has seen on its soil since the bombing of Pearl Harbor.

"They are engineered so close to the margins of what is physically possible that when one thing fails, it can cause the failure of the whole animal." --Jane Smiley, Special to the Washington Post-You are close, Jane Smiley, and we appreciate it, but it seems he was "engineered" beyond the margins of what is possible. And you still make them race at unnatural speeds. And hey, maybe that is fine. Just don't fucking cry about it when his little ankle snaps.

"Here was the champion athlete living like a regular guy - how could the world not fall in love with him? - and how our hearts broke when his hind leg shattered. It was a tragedy happening before our eyes on live television." --Marcella Peyre-Ferry, Special to The Phoenixville News-Yes, yes…. Barbaro was just a regular guy. One of us. He wore jeans on Saturday, watched football on Sunday, had the occasional beer with the fellas down at the local pub, was a great joke teller too. What I'll miss most is riding in his pick-up and blaring Metallica.

“For those who scour the sports pages every morning, Barbaro was quite a horse, and he'll be remembered as such. For so many others, he was so many other things.” --Rick Maese, The Baltimore Sun-Like potential glue for my arts and crafts project.

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