Category Archives: Intimate Relationship

How to be a human according to David Foster Wallace Living in the “day-to-day trenches of adult life” requires awareness and compassion, according to a Commencement address David Foster Wallace gave at Kenyon College in 2005. To see a Youtube … Continue reading →

Since the 1970’s, the scientific community agreed that gender and sex differences in the brain resulted from “marinating” the embryonic brain in testosterone or estrogen, and those hormones then organized how the brain’s sexual identity would develop. It’s a tidy … Continue reading →

We have mirror neurons in our brain that fire in synchronicity with what we are observing in others. If you watch someone running, the parts of your brain that would make you run light up with neural activity. Watch the … Continue reading →

Human beings need one another. As our species was evolving on the African Savannah, our ability to remain connected with others gave us the ability to fend off hungry lions and packs of hyenas. As a result, our need for … Continue reading →

We value self-sufficiency and independence. We respect somebody is self-motivated and can take initiative. We admire people who are resilient, and who can adapt to changing situations and confusion and land on their feet able to deal with the next … Continue reading →

Barbara Fredrickson reports some of her research findings in her new book, Love 2.0: How Our Supreme Emotion Affects Everything We Feel, Think, Do, and Become, and she comes to some radical conclusions. In a January 24 special to CNN … Continue reading →

Humans have evolved countless thousands of ways to emotionally resonate with one another. Our survival depended upon it for millions of years. Bonding with one another is our greatest survival skill. Our human nature, as a species and as an … Continue reading →

Do you experience loving relationship as a roller coaster, or as a warm, secure nest? Are your interactions with your beloved relaxed, or antagonistic, or worrisome? Do you keep yearning for an ideal relationship that seems just out of reach? Are you settling for a partnership that keeps eating away at you with a vague dissatisfaction? Does one partner in your relationship seem more committed and trusting than the other?

The new science of Adult Attachment explains all of these circumstances. A gathering body of research shows that the attachment style which we develop in our family of origin influences our adult relationships, and about 70 to 75% of adults retain that same relationship style throughout their entire lives. However, as evolving beings we can learn from our experience and change relationship patterns. 25 to 30% of adults do change their basic pattern of attachment, in some cases becoming more secure in their approach to connecting with others, while in other cases becoming less secure. The good news is that research demonstrates that with conscious development, we can actually train our way into more satisfying relationships.

Adult Attachment theory states that all of us have a biologically determined need to connect with others. We are social beings, designed for significant relationship with others. Structures in our brain and hormonal system create and regulate those social and intimate connections. In some cases that system generates a secure feeling of attachment, while in others we might feel anxious about our relationship, or else alternate between our desire to connect with another and our desire to remain free and independent.

The clarity that results from identifying these relationship structures provide us with guidance on how to find the relationships that you want in your life, and how to keep that love strong and secure. You can quite easily determine your own attachment style. If you are not in a relationship, this knowledge can help you select, or eliminate, potential partners more confidently.

If you are already in relationship, you can also determine the attachment style of your partner. With that insight, you have an “operating manual” that can help you know what one another need to feel safe, learn how to give your partner the types of reassurance that they need to hear, and to ask for what you need more accurately and confidently.

Coach Basin will be offering a workshop called:

Securely Connected

The Science of Finding and Keeping Love in Your Life

on February 16th, 2013 from 12:30-4:30pm at Wildcat Studio 2547 8th St. Berkeley. To learn more, CLICK HERE.