Is this the first time you’ve seen this many Pagans together? Well, you’re in for a deflowering, young earth-worshipper, and you’ve come to the right place. However, you should realize that there are many, many types of Pagans. We old farts just had to keep making the rounds until we either found a group that wouldn’t kick us out or founded our own clique. But now, progress has brought us many different flavors to choose from.

Bright-Eyed Novice

You just read this cool book about a religion where there’s a Goddess and a God, and they meet outside in nature, instead of some, like scary old building. They think sex is GOOD not evil, and you want to know where to sign up.

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Mispronounces God/dess names, has to think a moment about which is deosil and which is widdershins. Has a shiny new athame (rhymes with “A-frame”.)

Grand Old Wo/man

Actually remembers Woodstock (the first one.) Will tell you about the time they dropped acid with Kerry Wendell Thornley – or maybe it was Robert Anton Wilson. Anyway, it was somebody with three names. Or was it three people with one name?

Most prized possession: one of Judi Barry’s old tree spikes. Simultaneously believes in universal love for humanity AND returning the planet to a pristine, uncorrupted state. Apt to remove clothes and fondle the shrubbery at a moment’s notice. Can discuss compost in great detail.

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: No meat, no fragrance, no leather, no plastic, no smoke, no drugs, no eco-exploitive products, no animal tested cosmetics, no TV, no car, but very tolerant.

Anal Retentive Ceremonial

Book collection actually holds up the ceiling in places. Is studying Greek, Latin and Hebrew all at once. Does “workings” instead of “rituals”. All twenty volumes of their magical diaries are all in Enochian.

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Won’t go anywhere without a book. Is constantly aware of which direction is East. Dresses according to planetary conditions, or whatever was on sale at Wal-Mart.

Womyncentric Gynocrat

A man’s shadow crossed her altar once and she spent three weeks purifying it. She’ll have no wands in her chalice, thank you. No boys allowed in her full-moon club. Can hold forth for hours on the magical properties of menstrual blood.

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Tiny axes or curved knives, just right for amputating a penis, are a favored symbol and often hang conveniently from her body parts. When a man approaches she rolls her eyes and stops talking.

Sexy Pagan Nymph

Oh, they’re so nice! All that warm, round, sex-positive flesh — and you can actually carry on a conversation with them between orgasms… pant, drool…

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Cute. Horny. Displays prominent cleavage. Will recite love poetry to you under a full moon. Likes to do it outdoors. Often destitute. All too few of them.

Corporate Closet Witch

“Hey, boss — I’d like to take February 2nd as a personal day…” Has an entire chapter of their Book Of Shadows concerned with spells for purifying the workplace. Doesn’t mind working on Christmas, especially if there’s overtime involved. Quit being overtly Pagan at work since being canned by that born-again boss, but still refuses to say “Merry Christmas.”

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Can assume a properly smiley work persona at the drop of a hat. Constantly glances around the room anxiously looking for co-workers and their spies. Non-distinctive style of dress, no conspicuous tattoos.

Childe Of Kaos

Can name seventeen industrial goth bands without pausing to think. Knows what a Prince Albert is. Personally feels that if no panicky headlines appear the day after you do a ritual, you screwed up. Painted on their jacket, engraved in their flesh and/or boldly displayed as jewelry is an emblem which resembles a combination of corporate logo and arcane symbol. If you don’t know what it means, they’ll think you’re a dweeb.

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Easy to picture as an alternative musician or bike messenger, difficult to visualize as a school teacher or research assistant, impossible to imagine as a TV news anchor or bank officer. Always wears black leather, even when sleeping.

Pagan Celebrity

At conventions, stays on the hotel floor that requires a special key for elevator access. Lurks around knots of conversation eavesdropping in order to see if their name is being mentioned. Arrives in helicopter especially for rituals. Starts every sentence with “I”. If you ask them how it’s going, they hand you a press release.

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Always has plenty of books to autograph and will personally sell them to you at a slight discount from cover price. Never seen unaccompanied by beefy amazonian bodyguards and doe-eyed hangers-on. Seems vaguely afraid of anyone they don’t already know.

Scary Devil Worshipper

Would never been caught dead skyclad. Rarely smiles, except in a snide, knowing way which insinuates you are an ignorant peasant worthy of conquest. Secretly enjoys Rush Limbaugh and read The Bell Curve with smug satisfaction. Fascinated with Nazis. Probably has never hurt a fly, but they want you to think they’re capable of vast destruction.

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Lots of black and red. Men like goatees, women favor heavy black eyeliner. At least one inverted pentagram somewhere on their person. If you see several of them getting tanked in a bar, it would be wise to stay far away.

Crowley-In-A-Past-Life

Every magical gathering has at least one of these, along with several variants along the lines of Gerald Gardner, Tituba, Morgan LeFey, or somebody who was Atlantean royalty. Many of them were abducted by aliens recently, and have disturbing dreams rich with arcane symbolism that they will tell you all about, in great detail.

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Look for the intense gleam in the eyes, the backpack rattling with various psychiatric medications, and the garments that were clearly designed and tailored on another planet.

Ravin’ Pagan

Young and psychedelic. Can dance non-stop all night. Refuses to do boring Eurocentric rituals and prefers deities from sunny climes with lots of interesting local plants. Can say “Ayahuasca” ten times real fast and deliver long quotes from Terrence McKenna.

“Let us declare nature to be legitimate. All plants should be declared legal, and all animals for that matter. The notion of illegal plants and animals is obnoxious and ridiculous.”

Is he a she? Is she a he? Are they a couple, or are those two a couple or are all four of them a quadruple? If getting answers to these questions could disturb you, best stay away. If, on the other hand, these kind of questions seem overly judgemental, you might have a real good time…

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: When you look at this person, does every sex act you’ve ever experienced in your life seem hopelessly vanilla? If so, congratulations — you’ve found a Fairie!

High Episcopagan

Do their rituals have a script, a choreographer, a stage manager, an orchestra with chorus and last at least three hours? It’s a High Episcopagan! They can memorize pages and pages of Olde Englishe, have more ritual garbs than most people have socks, and consider their main Pagan influences to be Gerald Gardner, Judy Garland and Busby Berkeley.

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Book of Shadows exceeds five volumes. Knows every note of “Carmina Burana”. Don’t ask them about that 18th century seed pearl trim on their ritual hat unless you’ve got an hour to spare.

Fundamentapagan

If it’s in a book, it must be true. If it’s in an old book, it must really be true. If it’s in an old book that was handed down from an oral tradition of people who couldn’t read, then it must really be way true. Gnashes their teeth if anyone shows up at a circle wearing a watch, glasses, or other mechanical assistance. Believes that anyone who lives in a city, eats meat or has a regular job dare not call themselves a pagan.

Uses animal symbolism to express nearly all opinions and feelings. Charter member of PETA. Thinks meat eaters should be publicly executed. Has many, many, many pets. Has a spirit animal. Personally owns 927 models, pictures, and other depictions of their spirit animal.

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Not counting the Pagan him/herself, how many animals can you see when looking at them? If the count surpasses five (including critters found on tattoos, jewelry, garments and undies), you’ve found a worshipper of beasties.

Priest/ess of Political Correctness

Analyzes everything they read or hear for sexist-racist-homophobic-imperialist-Eurocentric content without paying attention to what is actually being said. Believes in personal liberty — everyone has the right to be overbearing, dogmatic and holier-than-thou, not just the Xtian Right. Incredibly boring yet annoyingly self-righteous all at the same time.

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Beady hyper-alert little eyes are constantly in motion, waiting for someone to do or say something bad. Has loud and attention attracting hissy fits when confronted with everyday things such as advertising or corporate franchises. Rudimentary sense of humor is rarely activated.

Our Lady Of Intense Suffering

Is constantly persecuted. You’re probably persecuting her/him right now, you just don’t realize it. Became a Pagan because she decided it was that most persecuted religion of all. Can’t enjoy anything because it would be selfish to have any fun when so many are suffering.

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Tales of woe. Even less of a sense of humor than the previous. Bristles when anyone says the words “masochist” or “whining”.

I Am Not Spock (at the moment)

Knows at least three filks about Cthulhu and at least forty Star Trek jokes. Has found a clever way to create simple furniture from stacks of science fiction paperbacks. Can name ninety different kinds of space ship.

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Two fisted drinking style. Probably still lives with parents. Many cryptic buttons, badges, patches and other insignia. Too smart for their own good.

Het-Case

Insist that they aren’t homophobic; they just believe that Paganism is about a Goddess and a God and they do it and what could be more obvious than that? It just doesn’t “work right” if you try any other way! Are secretly afraid that gays and/or lesbians are dying to jump their tender hetro bones.

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Living spaces abound with depictions of satyrs with enormous genitals and huge-breasted, doe-eyed Goddesses. Long manicured nails and wreaths of flowers (on females only — men have big, bushy beards instead.)

Norse Code

Heroic and vikingly, these Pagans often get into trouble with festival organizers and park rangers due to their fondness for running around with a huge battle-ax in one hand and a full mead horn in the other. They throw the best parties, but if you’re a wimp, you’re expressly not invited.

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Look for the large, foreboding, biker-like persons wearing runes, with many pounds of amber dangling from their necks.

Pentacles, Inc.

Pagans have disposable income too, right? So how come they aren’t buying my hand forged Venus of Willendorf necklaces — they come in silver and gold, and each one has a genuine cubic zirconium belly button. Would you like a reading? Will that be Visa or MasterCard?

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Has business cards featuring little embossed pentagrams. You’ve never seen so much Egyptian God/dess jewelry on a human being in your whole life. Rarely leaves the dealer’s room and can’t believe there are so many jewelry sellers present.

Monster Truck Pagan

Can grow their own food, build their own house, sew their own clothes, homeschool their children and brew their own organic hooch. Are looking forward to the bleak, post-apocalyptic world postulated by the environmentalists as they can’t wait to run amok through the country, worshipping ancient Gods, blowing up strip malls and rutting on the divider line of every interstate.

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Resourceful, clever and very well versed in the U. S. Constitution. Eats meat with visible twitches of pleasure. Is aware that primitive religions have nothing to do with crystals, Atlantis or unicorns.

… You may be a monster-truck Pagan if your anointing oil is 30 weight.

… You may be a monster truck Pagan if cakes & wine means tailgate party.

… You may be a monster truck Pagan if Autumn is the Burning Time.

Bubba Witch

Can typically be found wandering the country roads, bare foot and in jean suspenders. When they pass a person in their town it is always their cousin. Their idea of a circle chant is hooting and hollering at barn yard hodowns! If they ain’t makin’ a rukus in town, their off chasin’ ‘coons through the woods, making more noise than their 13 hunting hounds! “Yeah, maybe ah shuld ‘ave 12 dawgs ‘n me ta make a propa cercle, but ah unly gots 10 fingas! How ya ‘spect me ta count 13? … gonna let me borra’ youz fingas?” *draws his trusty dagger, he and ol’ yeller circling for the kill*

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Straw protruding from clothes and hair like additional appendages. We won’t even ask what they were doing in the hayloft to get all messy like that! Their pickup truck gas caps are replaced with a nifty black cloth with a white pentacle on it, or is that a white hood with a black pentacle? In any case, they are never without baccy-blackened gums (the teeth fell out long ago) and always have at least one spit cup on their person.

… You might be a Bubba Witch if you use rebel flags as altar cloths…

… You might be a Bubba Witch if you dismiss the elements by saying “Y’all come back now, ya hear!”…

… You might be a Bubba Witch if you use broken washing machines as altars…

Ninja Witch

These night-clad Pagans are amusing from a distance only. They sneak through the shadows of streets pretending they can’t be seen by everyone and trying to ignore the car lights and strange looks everyone gives them. The looks are merely coincidental of course “I’m the mighty invisible ninja, no-one can see me!” They ain’t too funny when you do actively point them out, they’re hilarious! They usually react by making all kinds of funny squeeky sounds and trying to stick their foot in their mouth, or is it supposed to be your mouth?

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Always in a baggy ninja jump suit and carrying one of those dangerous plastic Katanas the kids buy at K-Mart for Halloween. Pentagram throwing stars and an adorable lil’ red pentacle on their hood. Supposed to make ‘em seem dangerous! Ooohhh…scary.