Sunday, October 2, 2016

Ever get REALLY FREAKING ANNOYED with your kids? Because I get REALLY FREAKING ANNOYED WITH THEM, and--speak the TRUTH, parentals-- so do you. There
are times, moments, that your heart could not be more full and bursting with
love as you admire the fruits of your womb and/or…..testicles? I don't know. What's
the PC word there? Loins? Does anyone even say Loins? I'm trying to be an equal
opportunist for Dads too. Okay. We're going with Wombs and Loins.

Oh, you need an
example? Like "When does Womb-Loin Fruit NOT make you joyfully bursting
with pride?"

Ahh, yes my cherubs.
Pull up that chair. Bring it in close. I will share with you the moments that I
would rather be having a Brazilian wax via Big Boo from Orange Is The New
Black, than dealing with Womb-Loin Fruit/Non-Womb Fruit and their questionable life
choices.

(For those of you
who aren't watching OITNB, okay, WHY, first of all, second of all, you're
probably missing out. Unless you cringe at the implication of relationships
that are devoid of males altogether and/or will faint at the sight of boobs. In
that case, save yourself and don't watch).

Examples:

A child far too old to act
toddlery, sneaking downstairs in stealth mode at 6am on Sunday, pilfering
a can of chocolate frosting from the pantry, bringing it back up to their
room, eating 3/4 of it, then painting EVERY POSSIBLE SURFACE IMAGINABLE in
the bedroom with the remainder. Keep in mind, NOT A TODDLER. A legit
school age kid. Sound delightful? Come on over, Big Boo. I'm ready for the
torture.

When a kid has a temper
tantrum and heaves a Wii remote at the tv, AND BREAKS IT.

Tweens who fill a large
blow-up cube with water, haul it to their bedroom together, have pretend
pedicures with feet in said water-heavy cube, ON THEIR CARPETED BEDROOM
FLOOR. Then, proceed to spill water cube, do a half-assed job toweling it
up, not notifying the resident adults. To add fun, the upstairs air
conditioning unit goes out and it takes a week to get someone to fix it
correctly. In the meantime, the sopping carpet is now HOT, MOIST SOPPING
CARPET that renders the upstairs unlivable due to the essence de rotting
corpse that has taken over.

So,
yeah. Those are those moments. Those are those moments you say, "Are you
KIDDING me, right now? What have you DONE?!", when inside your head, the
ACTUAL words are "I should have used birth control in 2008." Don't
you dare lie! Don't you lie, parental! You KNOW it's crossed your mind. So, I'm
here to be your inner voice. To relate to your thoughts. To help you to know
you're not alone in your THIS SUCKS moment.

So what do parents REALLY WANT TO
SAY? Here are 10 relatable moments for y'all.

When they want to "help" in the kitchen, but
it's not real help. It's like, help you would receive from a rabid
chimpanzee trying to frost a cinnamon roll.

What
you say: "Sure, honey, here, let's get you a butter knife to spread the
frosting."

What
you mean: "Dear GOD, I just want to finish this so I can watch the stupid
game, and now there's going to be frosting and shit EVERYWHERE. And OH MY GOD
don't hold the knife like that, what are you, Rosemary Kennedy?! Did you have a
lobotomy I wasn't aware of? DEAR BABY JESUS ALMIGHTY."

When they ask you where their shoes/hairbrush/other
stupid Barbie shoe/pajamas are. Again.

What
you mean: "How the hell should I know? WAS
I USING YOUR STUPID BARBIE SHOE FOR SOMETHING? NO. NO I WASN'T. YOUR EYES ARE
STILL 20/20 AND MINE AREN'T. PUT THEM TO WORK AND DON'T YOU MAKE ME GET OFF
THIS COUCH…"

When they
call your name, and it is easily the 8,953rd time since daybreak that they
have.

What
you say: "Yes, (insert name here)? How may I be of service to
you….again?"

What
you mean: (putting face in hands and sighing hard, though no one cares):
"I HATE THE SOUND OF MY NAME. I SHOULD HAVE TOLD THEM TO CALL ME BILL OR
SOMETHING, THEN WHEN THEY SAID IT ON A LOOP, IT WOULD JUST BE LIKE,
'BILL…BILL….BILL….BILL….HEY BILL….BILL LOOK!' AND
I WOULDN'T HAVE HEARD, NOR CARED, BECAUSE MY NAME ISN'T BILL AND I WOULD HAVE
BEEN NONE THE WISER."

When they want you to watch them do something/give you
"artwork", and you are underwhelmed.

What
you say: "Wow! You are truly the greatest at putting twigs in a pile/you
are Rembrandt reincarnate!"

What
you mean: "Really? What IS that? I could have done that when I was 3
months old and you're SEVEN. Give me something I can work with for once. I
can't engage in this façade any longer."

When they are oblivious to the filth
around them. And you are not.

What
you say: "I want you to clean your room today".

What
you mean: "If you don't take the 26 cups and 18 Go-gurt wrappers to the
kitchen by 2pm, you will no longer have a room to trash, because I will burn
this house to the ground."

When you can't leave the house because they aren't ready
yet. Even though you've told them over 281 times.

What
you say: "We REALLY need to go. We are going to be LATE."

What
you mean: "You are SUCH A JERK! MY KID/STEPKID IS A COMPLETE JERK! My time
is MORE VALUABLE THAN YOURS BECAUSE, YOU SEE THIS ROOF? YOU SEE YOUR LUNCH IN
YOUR FANCY LITTLE LUNCHBOX? OH, YOU SEE THAT SHIRT YOURE WEARING? THE FACT YOU
GOT TO BATHE IN HOT WATER (EVEN THOUGH YOU FOUGHT ME ON THAT TOO) WHILE OTHER
KIDS IN MALAWI ARE STEWING IN THEIR OWN FILTH? IT'S BECAUSE I AM ON TIME TO
THAT PLACE I GO EVERY DAY, THAT J-O-B THAT FURNISHES YOUR MOUTH WITH THE
SPOILS. NOW GET YOUR ASS IN THAT SEAT OR WE'RE HAVING A NOTHING BUT VARIATIONS
OF SPROUTS FOR DINNER FOR THE NEXT MONTH."

I
mean, Amiright?

When they
want you to volunteer in their class,with the
other parents.

What
you say: "Sure, I'll bring the gluten/peanut/flour/sugar/flavor free baked
goods with a big, stupid smile on my face."

What
you mean: "You realize this means I have to communicate with other
parents, and pretend I don't want to run out the door screaming because I'm an
introvert and WHY DO YOU MAKE ME DO THESE THINGS?!"

When it
comes as a complete shock to them that they have to brush their
teeth/bathe/wake up. Every. Single. Day.

What
you say: "Did you, brush your teeth? Can you like, wake up so I can take
you to that place you go to 3/4 of every year? Did you take a bath yet?"
(You get blank, shocked stares in return).

What
you mean: 'SERIOUSLY, DUDE. YOU'RE GRADUATING FROM COLLEGE NEXT WEEK AND YOU
HAVEN'T BRUSHED YOUR TEETH TODAY? WHAT, THE OTHER 21 YEARS WE'VE DONE THIS ON A
DAILY BASIS WASN'T ENOUGH TO TIP YOU OFF THAT IT NEEDED TO BE DONE TODAY?
WHOEVER SAID DOING SOMETHING FOR ONLY 21 DAYS
MAKES IT A HABIT IS A DAMN LIAR."

When they're plenty old enough to sleep in, but wake you
up at 6:14am on Sunday anyway. Before coffee, and ruining any opportunity
for fun time with Daddy.

What
you say: "Well, good morning! I am here to serve your every whim and need
on this fine day."

What
you mean: "Kids are assholes."

When they
*gasp!* catch you in THE act.

What
you say: "Oopsie! We were just having ourselves a jovial wrestling match
in the buff, darling."

What
you mean: "SOMETIMES MOMMY TAKES A REALLY LONG TIME AND YOU JUST RUINED
IT".

Yes,
we love them. Yes, someday, we will miss all of the above. Ok, probably not
actually, but we'll miss them to an extent. When we're traveling the country
and sleeping in until whenever, burning through their inheritance and stopping
only to visit THEIR houses and destroy THEIR stuff. We'll probably miss them a
little. And yet, lets be real. They're all, just slightly, tiny little pains in
the ass.

But,
as our parents will remind us--as they laugh gaily behind us in the midst of
our breakdowns--

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Who I Am

Cyndi is 40-ish and will swear to God she doesn't look it. She is a reformed pastor's wife now married to Hot IT Guy John, total soulmate, (but she's not entirely sure what he even does). Mom of two organically grown children, she also has three bonus drama machines and three angel babies who she suspects saw the sibling chaos to come and said, "Nope, I'm gonna stay right here". She has packed a lot weirdness into 40+ years, most of which comes from working as an ER Nurse, a Psychiatric Tech, an Autopsy Assistant and a Trauma Researcher. She loves Jesus but not fake butter, cheese or Christians. As you can see, she's totally outgoing on paper/the "net", but is a total introvert so will stay in the corner. Please don't ask her to talk out loud or approach her because it makes her get sweaty and weird. But do, totally, contact her here.