Friday, 30 July 2010

Buzz Kill.

It's the film that makes grown men cry, they say. I am a grown man. I cry at films all the time. In fact, that's the only time that I cry. Real life never seems to move me, it just makes me want to scream and punch and defecate but never cry. But give me It's A Wonderful Life and I'm in bits. E.T. makes me cry right from the very beginning because I know what will happen in the end. This is why I was terrified of going to see Toy Story 3. After all, it's the film that makes grown men cry. Grown men should NEVER cry. There just is no excuse for it. If you are a man and you cry at any time between the ages of 12 and death then you are pathetic. There is never, ever a cause for a man to cry at any point ever. Well, maybe over the death of a parent but it has to be your Mum. If you cry over your Dad, that's just a bit fruity.

I met my darling friend Liz in a bar before the film. I definitely needed a few drinks before going to see the film that makes grown men cry and the thought of crying in front of Liz was too much to bare. You'll find this hard to believe but I'm not at my prettiest when I cry. It's like my face starts dripping towards my knees and my eyes expand to seventeen times their normal size. Basically, I look like my botox has exploded. What a stroke of luck then that Toy Story 3, or any film, couldn't quite live up to the hype. It's a good film. It's just not great. Toy Story 2 is way better. The way people talked about this film you would think that it was the cartoon made by God to save us all from damnation. It wasn't interesting enough, it wasn't moving enough and they just didn't know what to do with Buzz Lightyear so they changed his character. Twice.

But it was funny. The dinosaur called Trixie really made me laugh but the Aquafresh advert that starts with a voiceover man saying "Your child's mouth is amazing" shown just before the film had us laughing for the whole night. Toy Story 3 didn't stand a chance.

Here's the thing, everyone who talks about this film raves about how moving it is and how deep it is (it is NOT deep, it's a cartoon) but as far as I can see no-one is talking about how horrible it is. It's fucking disturbing. Woody, Buzz, Mr. Potato-Head and the really gay dinosaur thing are all terrorised by a fucked up lazy-eyed, filthy dolly that can't speak because, you know, it's a special needs inanimate object and there are scenes of torture, imprisonment and a bitter, angry clown that are just upsetting. It's the film that makes grown men cry? Fuck that. It's the film that makes children shit out their own skeletons.

So, I'm a little disappointed that this film that is clearly made for people under the age of 9 wasn't for me. "It's Pixar's best film so far". No, it isn't. Up is a lot better. Fuck it, Tron is better. It had it's moments (Mr. Pricklepants is great) and there are some great jokes in it but I am a grown man. It's the film that makes grown men go meh.