I struggle when my wife goes on business trips. That was where her affair was mostly conducted. She is currently out of town on one of these 4 day trips. I still struggle with feeling safe. I was really bothered last night when she called me to say goodnight. In her defense she was back in her room by 9:45, but she was obviously pretty tipsy. Here are my thoughts to her:

Consequences.

When you chose to have an affair, you probably didn't realize the consequences of your actions. I think even today you don't realize the consequences of the lies, deceit, betrayal, and utter disregard for myself and your family.

As a consequence of your affair. I have been changed forever. I know that you think our marriage will be stronger than before. And I hope it will too. But you also need to realize the effect of your decisions on me.

As a result of your affair:
I will always wonder whether you are being honest with me. I had no idea what was going on. None. Now when I think about our lives, I wonder if I am being fooled again. After all, on the night I found your emails, I believed in all my heart that you loved me and that we would be together forever. So now, when I am with you, and I think everything will be o.k., I am still reminded that I used to believe that..and it was a lie.

I haven't had a decent night sleep in over a year. I dream of you and him. I dream of you leaving me for him. I dream of him taking my children from me. He is now a part of my life.

I panic. I shake. I cry. I think about you and him together all the time.

I remember all of the love emails between you and him. As much as I try to move past them, they are a part of my life...I will never be able to forget them. Pieces of your emails haunt me. Buying condoms. Buying chocolate syrup. Wines, songs, cars, cookies on a plane. T-shirts. Perfect love. Eggs Benedict, "WWBD". All these things, remain with me. Even as they become less painful. They will always be in my memory, they will always be a part of me.

I have to struggle every single day with my emotions and my anger at this. I have to gauge every response, and have to check every emotion. I am left with the chore of trying to rebuild myself. I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask for this pain. It was place in my heart by you.

I have force myself to focus on simple tasks and not dwell on things. I have to force myself to work and not think about you and him. I have to force myself to work and not think about whether you are back in contact with him. Every day.

I have to find a way to let go of the pain. Pain I didn't ask for. I have to find a way to let go of the anger. Anger I didn't want. I have to let go of the betrayal. There are many days, I don't think I can.

I have to forgive you every day. I have to forgive and love the person that purposefully caused me more pain then anyone else I have ever known. There are many days that I struggle with this.

I have to trust you. Knowing what you are capable of. Knowing that I will never know for sure when the hammer might fall again. But I have to. And that's hard.

When you go on trips. I have to relive the memories of you and him. I was not there during your business trips. During Newport, during Saint Louis, and for whatever else I don't know about. I don't know how your affair blossomed, how it started. Whether it started over drinks with friends or casual outings. I will never know what went on. I don't know what happens on the trips that you go on now. You can tell me one thing..but we both know that you could easily be doing anything you wanted. We both know that it is possible that you are simply lying to me. It happened before, it can happen again.

I have panic attacks before you go on trips. I don't sleep. It is a huge trigger and it brings back a flood of memories, whether memories from the emails or memories created by my own imagination. But I struggle so much with them. And that's simply a consequence of your affair. When you call me after a "few" drinks, I don't know who you have been with. You could tell me, but I don't really know for sure, it could be a lie. What I do know is that you are out of town, drinking, in a hotel. All these things are huge triggers for me, and force the affair back into my head. No, I am not your warden. I don't set boundaries about your drinking on trips. But this is the effect it has on me. This is one of the consequences of your affair--I panic when you go to hotels and drink while on business trips. I know you think you are being good. That's great for you, it doesn't change the affect that it has on me.

So I struggle. I struggle every day through pain and shit. Through doubt. I cling to the fact that I do love you. I cling to the fact that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. That is what keeps me going. But I still suffer from the consequences of your choices

R has been going really well, we are about 15 months out. Sometimes R is going so well, that I feel that she doesn't want to acknowledge the damage that was done.

Wow. I wish i can have my thoughts so clear like yours. Our WSs will never understand the pain. But you brought it so close in your words.
I'm struggling too. R is not working.
Yours is working and this is good. Hang in there and enjoy what she has to offer.
I'm sorry u have to go through this and live your life like this, a life none of us expected to live...

BW 27
WH 33
Real Dday: May 22nd, 2013

Posts: 49 | Registered: Apr 2013

Theradin♂ 38518Member # 38518

Posted: 1:00 PM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013

That's a very heartfelt letter. Thank you for sharing that with us on SI.

Not knowing the specifics of your situation, my comments are general:

1) It sounds like you are still missing a LOT of the pieces to the A that you really DO need in order to properly and fully heal from this trauma. It appears as though there are huge gaps in what you know about the A. Is your WW being forthcoming and disclosing everything she knows? Are you having to discover or interrogate her to get answers, or is she willing to provide you with whatever you need to be on even footing with her? I would ask to know everything you feel comfortable knowing. If she is serious about R, she will gladly provide you with whatever is necessary.

2) Although your R may be going well for you, it sounds like she may not be fully aware of the repeated damage she is causing by continuing to act in ways that are inconsistent with a remorseful WS. By continuing to travel on business, go out drinking with whoever she goes out with in the hotels, etc., it sounds like she is continuing to behave and conduct herself in a manner indicative of the pre-A behavior, which likely contributed to the A in the first place. It sounds like you've expressed your concerns with her continued questionable behavior (based on your letter), but has she responded? Is she willing to quit drinking in random hotels with people?

For me, I was only comfortable moving forward in R with my WW by establishing terms and bottom-lines, but most of all, personal boundaries that protect myself from such harmful treatment. Some behavior is simply not acceptable or tolerated, nor is it consistent with a truly committed spouse. Things like breaking NC or engaging in any A-like behavior with anyone (texting, emailing, touching, fucking, etc.), and avoiding in appropriate behavior with members of the opposite sex (FB-chatting with ex's, even though it is "just platonic", discussing marital problems with coworkers of the opposite sex, etc.). Those are things that protect the marriage, protect me, and protect her. They are absolute requirements for R. I guess I'm wondering if you've agreed on certain behaviors and actions that are required of both of you to continue in R and rebuild what was intentionally desecrated by her poor judgement and actions?

Talking as someone who enjoys having a cocktail after dinner, before dinner, even instead of dinner... I wonder if it would be a good idea to discuss her not drinking when away on these business trips.

Theradin wrote about boundaries... maybe this is one that is worth investigating?

Are you going to give her your letter? I think you should.

Me - BS - 46
Him - WS - 44
Two daughters / 10 and 7

Posts: 4074 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Maryland / DC

SuperDuperWonderboy♂ 34716Member # 34716

Posted: 1:08 PM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013

BrokenT:
Thanks. Sorry we are on this road together. It's a bumpy one.

Theradin:
Actually she has been really forthcoming about the affair--plus I had the joy of reading 500 or so emails between the two of them, so I think I have the details.

What I meant by never knowing what happened, is that I will never know the conversations, the business environment, and exactly what transpired. I mean, I know all the basic details, but not the interactions..tough to explain..but without being at the event, a second hand account doesn't reveal the whole truth.

Yes, R is going really well. But per our history, she doesn't like to 'dwell.' She thinks that because we are generally happy, that now I/we are o.k. So there are times that she needs to be reminded that not everything is roses and peaches in wonderboy land.

I think it is a lack of communication on this issue. She thinks that by checking in and being back in her room by 10 that everything should be fine. We need to work through my emotions and the effect that her actions have on me, even when she thinks she is being good.

But yes, we have agreed on some pretty good boundaries, just fine tuning.

I emailed it to her this a.m. I do think this is something that needs to be addressed. I didn't realize the impact that this would have on me.

And yes...I enjoy more than one cocktail at times.

I think it is especially triggery, because the night the affair started it was at a work thing, and she and OM got literally puking drunk before having sex. So yeah, drinking with co-workers is a little bit of an issue for me.

Thank you for this. You feel just how I do. My FWH has to go away on two business trips in the next few weeks with his fOW (and others) and I hate it.

You letter/ notes were excellent. I have found it easier to send such musings to my FWH, I find it easier to write it down. I can keep calmer then and don't blow up so much. He has responded well , as he can process my words, think about them and respond, it doesn't put him on the spot or catch him out. It just sets out the facts of my feelings and starts the conversation.

If your FWW loves you and really wants to R, she should respond as well. I would encourage you to send your note.

Posts: 266 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: UK

Tred♂ 34086Member # 34086

Posted: 1:20 PM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013

WB,

I think it's a good idea for you to let her know how you feel. Honesty and communication are essential to R.

Very well written. So many of us have these feelings. My WH's infidelity was conducted while away on business also. I am gutted with each trip.
The words you wrote are eloquent. Thank you for sharing.

Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida

inshockandhurt♀ 38789Member # 38789

Posted: 1:45 PM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013

I am so glad you posted this. I hope you don't mind, some of your writing captured exactly the way I feel sometimes and so I copied and pasted it onto my computer (I will delete it if you want me to) I hope everything gets better for us both.

Her response gives me hope, it was via text..(she can't really email while in meetings)

I got your email. And I do understand that you are struggling everyday and I am trying to be sensitive about your triggers and feelings. I hope you know that I am trying, not succeeding all the time, but I am trying. Sadly I thought I did well last night and I didn't so I will learn from it and do better to ease your pain next time. I love you and I'm sorry!

She thought she did well last night because she did not go out after the work function (which she was required to attend). I do give her props for that as she called from her room at 9:45. Ugggg, there are times that working through this shit is just frigging hard.

I hate the word try with the heat of 1,000 suns. And I hate when I take the time to put together a big ole heartfelt thing and get back 3 sentences.

That said, we had a "no drinking" rule for my spouse for quite some time after dday. I just couldn't risk a lowered boundary.

Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Rec'd.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6831 | Registered: Jan 2011

brokensmile322♀ 35758Member # 35758

Posted: 4:11 PM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013

((Wonderboy)) I so get how you feel.

My WH is away right now as well at one of these functions. My issues with them are that they are always at fabulous locations. There are restaurants and bars always on property. Not to mention the 5 start restaurants off campus with great lounges/bars/night spots.

Truth is that we will never know what goes on. My WH calls from his room too, but sadly, he could leave as soon as he hangs up. There are so many people he could 'hang' out with and then, if in an active affair, there are so many places a person can go in those places, not just their rooms. They can get a taxi and go to a romantic restaurant for instance. Hotel keys could be passed without a care in the world. There is hugging hellos and joking and kidding all around. Add alcohol to the mix and the lines quickly blur.

I am not saying this to give you anxiety. I am telling you that this is what I friggin struggle with every single time.

Now WH does what your WW does. He says he is in his room. He tries to bow out of things, but this isn't sustainable. He works in a social business. A lot of this wining and dining is expected. It is reimbursed.

I think your letter was beautiful and so true. I am glad that she responded well and didn't blame, but mentioned trying harder next time.

Do you ever wish you had this kind of job? Lately I have if nothing else then to have him be able to TRULY feel what it feels like.

ETA: My WH is not a hugger by nature and says that he avoids it all costs. He does say that some women are and it is always awkward when they go to hug him. He says that it is one of the weird things in business.

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."

Posts: 1691 | Registered: Jun 2012

SuperDuperWonderboy♂ 34716Member # 34716

Posted: 4:26 PM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013

Rebreather:

I hate the word try with the heat of 1,000 suns. And I hate when I take the time to put together a big ole heartfelt thing and get back 3 sentences

I hear you. But she can't really compose a good response now. I expect I will get one later. I do get a long email everyday from her telling me why she loves me. Every day. (and I didn't ask for it).

So yes she is trying (for lack of a better word) And succeeding tremendously..doesn't make the pain go away..but it gives me a ton of hope. And a lot of Joy. So I cut her some slack...she didn't break one of my boundaries..I never said she couldn't drink.

Broken:
I know how easy it is on those trips. I do a couple a year for work, so I know how easy it is for boundaries to get crossed. I am glad I only have to do a couple, because that environment scares the bejesus out of me. Plus I tend to miss my wife and kids when I am gone.
Her response was good. She hasn't been getting defensive when I bring up the affair anymore..which has been incredibly helpful with our communication.

WOW! Beautifully written! This is exactly my story. Too many cities to even mention and count! The damage that our spouses do is certainly immense and often I wonder if I can do this!

I am only 6 months out!

Undone1
Married 10+ years to my high school sweetheart
DDAY 10/27/12
Me 55
WH 55
Blended Family: 25, 21, and 20
Married 10 years
"The Universe Unfolds as it Should"

Posts: 301 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Missouri

LA44♀ 38384Member # 38384

Posted: 4:52 PM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013

Wonderboy: One thing I noted in particular was that you do not know how the A got started in specifics while away at the conference.

This was one part of the A that I asked multiple questions about. I needed piece #1 to the multi-piece puzzle

Where were you?
How drunk were you?
Why her? What was it about her?
Who started it?
You went back to her room with drinks in hand?
You initiated it?!
She was into it?
Do you just walk around with condoms in your pocket?
She has condoms in her make up bag and she's newly seperated?
What did you think when it was over? Did you feel badly?
Why did you do it again the next night?

I just needed a very FULL picture of that FIRST night at the conference so I could envision it and write it down. I didn't need to make it worse by creating my own scenarios which I am fantastic at btw.

In any event. I think its healthy you wrote it. Healthy you sent it and glad she responded. Guess you have more to talk about when she gets home.

Wonderboy: One thing I noted in particular was that you do not know how the A got started in specifics while away at the conference

No, I know all the stuff. That was a brutal discussion. What I don't know..is how their friendship formed, how they looked at each other. While I know all the details...I wasn't there...so I will never truly know what happened. I'll never know at what conference their personal boundaries began being crossed. I'll never know which work call ended with one of them thinking...hmmmm maybe I can take this to the next level and destroy a couple of families.

So while I know basic details...without having been there...I will never have the entire picture.

ETA...And I accept that. It just sucks that work conferences still trigger me.

Sometimes R is going so well, that I feel that she doesn't want to acknowledge the damage that was done

it is that I am sure that you (like me) are hesitant to bring it up or mention it. After all, how many times a day can you yell 'ouch'?

Nice letter. You look like a good couple together, based on the pics you posted in the other thread.

I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 937 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West

SuperDuperWonderboy♂ 34716Member # 34716

Posted: 5:38 PM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013

it is that I am sure that you (like me) are hesitant to bring it up or mention it. After all, how many times a day can you yell 'ouch'?

I hear that. Not sure if it's the right thing to do or not, but I find myself weighing whether or not to bring up issues affair related. I kind of stop and think what the purpose is of bringing hurts up. Is it to help us move forward or is it to be snarky and punish her. Sometimes I give into the snarky remarks..but I am getting better.