The most patient wingman

I’ve been meaning to draw this comic for like six years. I just figured it’d be funny if Jared’s internet girlfriend was the most obnoxious kind of annoying 3edgy5u xbox live trash talker.

On that note, if you’re playing Overwatch on the PS4 and come across a Roadhog named Coelasquid who keeps KoolAid Man charging into groups of enemies and dying immediately, that’s probably me. If it’s a Winston named Coelasquid who seems to be playing competently, that’s probably my boyfriend playing on my account.

Also before anyone complains I’m gonna say the game they’re playing is a completely made up imaginary one that lets two people sitting in the same room play an xbox shooter together.

Discussion (149) ¬

I log in at 3 AM (Central), barely a Monday yet and already a full-color comic is up. Coelasquid your dedication to your work is insanely awesome!
Also, this one made me LOL. The actual space Marines having trouble playing space marine video games. so good!
I suppose I should also note the order this one came in, but I’m pretty sure the comic was posted less than 10 minutes ago so I won’t bore you with that.

So when Jones mentions that Jared deserves better than this, is she referring to the annoying shitweed internet girlfriend, or Commander-and-Chief’s (please tell me that’s their team name I love a good bad pun) abysmal playing?

Played against a guy once where absolutely _everything_ was rape. Every event in play was raped this, raped that, raped me, raped you. Anyway, the game was Risk and we were literally playing in his pastor’s kitchen…. with his pastor. I can not begin to imagine what he was like online.

I heard that some gaming company… I forget which, either Valve or Microsoft, but it doesn’t really matter…
They had an experiment of cross-platform play, with a bunch of “professional” gamers on controllers versus a bunch of novices using mouse and keyboard. And it was an utter and complete bloodbath.
Those poor, controller wielding bastards never stood a chance.

I still just do not get the appeal of Overwatch. Like, why are we caring about this class based online FPS, over, say, Brink?

“Also before anyone complains I’m gonna say the game they’re playing is a completely made up imaginary one that lets two people sitting in the same room play an xbox shooter together.”

…I reckon you could actually make this. One player controls movement, the other controls the camera. You could allow for finer control of both allowing for actions you couldn’t see in other games, while needing clear communication between both parties to perform at the highest level. Then you let loose a horde of couch co-op people onto a deathmatch server. Something to pitch at the next Game Jam.

I’ve only been playing it for a couple of days. But Overwatch, I think, falls into that group of games that fairly solidly know what they’re about from an early stage in their development and virtually everything from art direction to the character mechanics converge to bring that concept to fruition.

It’s the difference between, for instance, Halo and the hoard of clones that came out in its wake. Or Pokemon and the half dozen pokemon rip-offs that showed up on the Game Boy after its release.

That doesn’t surprise me. Blizzard has a history of not making a game until they’re sure they know exactly what they want it to be, and then they dominate. MMOs, MOBAs, and now class-based shooters. . . they wait to release until they’re sure they’re doing it right :)

Yeah. If Blizzard has a specialty, it’s lining up a genre-killer over a few years by watching what others in the industry have done over the years. They may not really do much that anybody else hasn’t yet, but by golly they do polish it up well and put together a coherent package.

Yeah, I’ve seen something similar to that done twice before, once in Battletech for Sega Genesis, and again in Psi-Ops for Xbox. Except it was one person controlling the legs, the other controlling the arms. It was kind of a clusterfuck both times (especially Psi-Ops), but it’s probably possible to make it work.

guys, guys, you forget, Commander has time travel. He got frustrated with current consoles and hopped forward a few decades to a magical time when game developers realized that paying homage to the devils of AAA games, no backwards compatibility, and online only co-op is bad, and instead decided to work together to make the perfect system that can play any game, with as many people as you want, and ignore most laws of physics and marketing while it’s at it. Or, you know, he just jailbroke a modern game system to do whatever he wanted. That could work too.

I dunno if Máster Chief had littlle John-118 or Jane-118 they too would be appaled at their predecessor’s lacks in the “game simulacra”. And CB wouldn’t be too far either. About Internet Girlfriend, its bad cred to blast the Internet boyfriend, because, you know, covering backs, same team ,yadda yadda.IMHO.

I think it’s Cap, since the title of ‘wingman’ goes to the friend who helps you bring in the ladies. And he’s looking pretty patient with Jared for that selfie. I bet his tumblr is filled with selfie’s of him and most of the agency, with all the guys wearing similar faces to Cpt. Falcon

Commander is willing to play Xbox live with rude teenagers and get his butt kicked at something he’s terrible at so Jared can spend time with/be on the same team as/impress his internet girlfriend. That’s a reasonably wingman-y thing to do.

18 or 19. She’d be about the same age. Old enough to be like a year or so out of high school and frustrating his parents with his lack of ambition beyond playing video games in the dark. Jones is 29, Commander’s 32.

I mean, the comic has been going on for six years so if the characters weren’t frozen in ageless purgatory Jared would be like 25.

Really? The Commanders mannerisms strike me as that of a man in his late 30s early 40s. I know a bunch of early 30s people (I am 30 myself) and none of us is as grounded in the world. The commanders entire attitude just seems like something you aquire over time. I also thought since he has 2 kids allready and Junebug is betwen 7-10 AND he is divorced. 32 strikes me as very young!

But it’s you’re world I was just surprised :-)

Jones and Jarred on the other hand feel pretty spot on with the age :D

His physique was based on a 32 year old Brock Lesnar, so I picked that as his age, and whenever I need to reference how old he should look at different ages I look up Brock Lesnar at that age for reference (turns out Brock Lesnar’s looked 30 since he was 16)

June is 5, Sam is 2, he got married when he was like 22-23, he and Maddie started out the same age but time travel shenanigans left him about three years older by the end of it, so Maddie is 29 now. I figure he’s the kind of guy who wanted to fast track himself to a family and a white picket fence as quick as possible so he’d have something in his life that wasn’t the military facility he was raised in.

And I mean, maturity wise he can only have as much wisdom as I can dispense, and I was 22 or so when I started making this so, I dunno. Plus I figure he’s the kind of guy who had to grow up fast, most people who join the military young come back seeming a lot older than their years, and he grew up in it.

Wait, does Jarod’s ‘girlfriend’ sound like a little boy? o_O
It’s just, when girls bad-talk other girls, they don’t usually use ‘twerp’ (unless you are Team Rocket and talking about Ashley Ketchup :P )

As fair as I can tell (and according to the tags), that’s actually Master Chief himself. Although I’m pretty sure Jared has a Master Chief outfit, but you don’t see Mr Fish anywhere and he’s never far from Jared.

I bet I’m seeing it all wrong, but Jared’s in full green armor and of course they’re playing on the same console, one of the tech-minded guys at the agency souped it up to display both Jared and Commander’s screens. Just needed to put some vintage Nintendo parts into it, really.

It looks to me like Jared’s playing from his cave, his girlfriend’s playing from wherever she lives, Rock is playing on his console at home, and he either rigged the console so Master Chief can also play it, or MC is playing on his HUD. The girlfriend’s speech bubbles are edged in red radio-static, while Jared’s are edged in blue radio-static, which makes it seem like they’re both speaking over voice chat, while Master Chief’s line there at the end is in a normal voice bubble, suggesting he’s actually present.

Away from the game she’s the sweetest thing.
Summer dress, sunny smiles and hugs, but you pop that controller into her hand and…
Boom.
Here’s comes ‘nY355aPwNs’ to teabag your still twitching corpse while listing things your mom does for a dollar at the top of her voice.

I still remember my oldest brother punching my youngest brother as he (younger) taught him (older) how to play halo. The reason?
Older: How do you change guns?
Younger: Y
Older: Because I wanna change my ****ing gun! How do I do it?
Younger: Y!!!
Older: **** off, [PUNCH] just tell me how to do it!
Younger: You push the ****ing Y button!
Older: Oh…

For me, that was Super Metroid. My friend, whose last name is Bean, was playing against Phantoon (Ghost Boss). He was firing missiles (which are useless) so I was yelling “Beam” at him. He heard that as “Bean” so he kept up with the missiles until I realized what was going on and changed my yell to “Not Missiles. BEAM weapon.”

Oh the Glory of being a Playstation person XD. I have never run into this confusion, but this is highly amusing and the next time my brother makes me play on his XBox I’m going to have to find a way to use ‘Y’ to mess with him.

When the “hardcore” gamers decided that only “casuals” play couch multiplayer. This perception was furthered when Nintendo became the last console company to encourage couch multiplayer because, as the “hardcore” will tell us…..exhaustively, Nintendo is a “casual kiddie”company whose practices should be shunned by true “hardcore” gamers.

At least we still have Diablo, SSB, and zombie’s (which is still couch co-op, and I am so proud of them for it. Now be a good game company and release the COD zombies game, where it’s all zombies, all the time.)

It’s less of a thing than it used to be, but some games still allow for it, just not many fps or “hardcore” games. Some games only have split screen as an extra, watered down version of whatever game it is too.

Lots of smaller companies have kept making games that work with couch multiplayer, but those are mostly indie titles that won’t get the sort of advertising that cod/halo/battlefield/whatever else would have.

Part of it is probably screen real estate as well. Even nice streamlined games like overwatch are a heck of a lot more cluttered than they used to be. I wouldnt envy playing that one one quarter of a 1080p screen.

“Also before anyone complains I’m gonna say the game they’re playing is a completely made up imaginary one that lets two people sitting in the same room play an xbox shooter together.”

…So, basically Pacific Rim with human sized mechs/androids? Maybe player one manages primary movement and general aiming/firing while player two is in charge of “aim correction” and fine tuned movement/emergency escapes? I’d play that, especially player two’s role.

For aim correction I’d imagine something like a “shot arc” being painted once firing begins, with player two using a thumbstick to manipulate where said arc lands on the opponent. Maybe make it so most armor has specific harness points (varying in location depending on which armor style it is) that you concentrate fire upon to strip away your opponent’s armor resulting in a quicker kill.

My friends and I (all 15+ year tech professionals) run console side by side all the time, we’ve built simple single setup rigs for our consoles and just pile them up side by side on the couch. Then sit and play, drink whiskey, and complain about getting destroyed by young trash talking kids online…

One of the interesting parts about Overwatch is that every character has an Ultimate ability that charges from healing and doing damage. Every one of them (excluding Widowmaker) says a line in their native tongue, which is heard by the enemy. McCree, the cowboy guy, has an ultimate that allows him to instantly execute multiple people who aren’t in cover relative to him, with charge speed based on their current health total. McCree’s announcement to make people scramble for cover is a really sexy voice saying, “It’s high noon…”

You forget, in this universe, Pokémon are an actual thing, Pokémon training just isn’t respected outside of the Pokémon regions. So this would only really be a pull if you are a gamer, or are from one of said regions and like water Pokémon.

The fact that she’s described as a “Grrrrl Gamer” as opposed to a girl gamer leads me to believe that a)Coelaquid may or may not be browsing /v/ and b) nothing good will come out of this “relationship”.
Well, nothing good for Jared, at least. There’s bound to be a few laughs for US. :D

I’m old guard 4chan. For perspective, I’m the same age as Moot and I started hanging around the site when I was 15, about 8 months after it launched. I haven’t been on it for quite a while because I’m too slow to keep up with it in my old age but like, I’m so veteran 4chan I’ve been to weddings of people I met on the site.

I am not so sure. The G’s have right angle corners on the bottom, right hand side, while the B’s are rounded there. It could be a G, but it’s not consistent with the other G’s, while it is, in my opinion, consistent with a B as seen elsewhere.
We’d have to see the full size art to be sure though either way.

It’s simple money. With split screen, you only need to buy another controller and that only once. With separate console multilayer, you have to buy a different game and different console, the former for every game you want to play multiplayer.
Which do you think makes the developers and the console makers more bucks?

I think folks have asked about Space Marines (Adeptus Astartes) before. But truthfully, as manly as they are they also have this sort of strange nobility about them that might not fit into the mold of the other “manly guys” like Commander, Marcus Fenix, Duke Nukem, etc.