So, I promised to write another update before last Tuesday, but timing is 80s. For those of you who lack time and prefer the language of Twitter, here’s a 140 character update:

New med pump working well #nopain #nonausea Still confused – issues with short term memory & hall roaming. New scan showed bone cancer #effcancer

Ingrid is still in hospice & will stay there until this Monday at least. She’s now on a handy little pump which delivers her pain meds at a steady rate – they’ve been gradually reducing the dosage to find a good balance between pain relief and the loss of marbles. Basically, she was taking enough of the stuff to tame a pack of wild monkeys but now they’ve seemed to find a good balance. If she’s stable on Monday, she may have the option to come home (if she wants).

3 days ago, in the middle of the night, she was found roaming the halls on the opposite wing of the hospice house. Totally unaware of where she was she wandered into someone else’s room so the next night I had a sleepover – I crashed on a cot next to her and she didn’t escape.THE GOOD NEWS: She can still walk.

At this point, they’re not sure if her loss of memory has to do with the drugs she’s on or the disease attacking her brain which is why they’re lowering the dosage. We’ve still been having short conversations but she goes into these rad tangents about random stuff and will forget that she talked with someone earlier that day.THE GOOD NEWS: She can still make you laugh.

She has had these crazy growths on her head & was in the hospital to have them cut out but after the doctor saw how fast the one grew back that he cut out 3 weeks ago, he decided he’s not going to do anything about them. Cutting them out will most likely just make them spread and there’s no way he can get the whole thing out. She’s also got small ones on her back, rib, hand, arm, and leg but they are only painful if you touch / hit them.THE GOOD NEWS: Nobody is hitting her.

Bone scans are neat. She also had another one of these done earlier this week and the cancer is now in her bones as well. After talking with the (rad) pain doctor (Dr. Banwell) about this, there are options to do some more testing and radiation but at the end of the day, it just means more taxi rides to the hospital and her feeling more like a dart board with all these needles.THE GOOD NEWS: She isn’t a dart board.

Dr. Banwell mentioned to me that Ingrid is very unique in that most people, at this stage in their lives, are desperate to buy more time… even if it means an extra few days. She doesn’t have this longing. She’s at peace. We are at peace. Our main priority is that she doesn’t have any pain and we feel that the days of tests, operations, radiation, and the smell of a hospital are over. Ingrid isn’t desperate for more time, she’s desperate to be at peace and pain-free. She is comfortable laying in bed all day with the ocassional wheelchair stroll outside in the beautiful tulip covered courtyard.THE GOOD NEWS: The hospice house and our house don’t smell like a hospital.

Misha mentioned that our prayers at the dinner table have become a little longer lately to which I responded, “That’s because we have a lot to be thankful for”.

We’re thankful for meals brought (some random person showed up at our house last night and handed me a lasagna saying “I went through what you went through and wanted to help”).

We’re thankful for our longboards – me and the kids have been doing a bunch of cruising lately in the sweet weather as well as taking some trips up Knox Mountain. So much life in doing this stuff.

We’re thankful for the friends around us. Seems like everywhere we go people give us the “head tilt with concerned expression slash dry heave” look asking if we’re alright. It’s so sweet. It’s actually unreal how rad people are.

A lot of you would still love to visit Ingrid but until we know for sure what’s going to happen on Monday we’re going to only have family coming in. Yes, even the most selfless humans are energy vampires to a delusional hospice dweller.THE GOOD NEWS: The daily kindness of our community & hospice staff creates an immense comfort along with knowing that we are all being carried in the arms of Jesus who gives us this “peace that doesn’t make sense”.

11 Comments

I really wish you were writing about something else but I love the way you write. As sad as this makes me feel for you your words are warm, poetic and reassuring. Somehow, in some strange way and as unsavory as the news is, I feel good when I am finished. Thanks, Nico, you just make the ordeal of living on this planet hopeful.

Dear Nico and Ingrid and sweet sweet kids.
I don’t even know what to say.. I am just sitting here.. Thinking… This is so unreal, unfair, etc.. But I am so thankful to read that you all have some sort of peace.. And are brave enough to see the little smiles in the ashes .. And Pain.. That is incredible that you have that at this point. Thanks for your writing Nico and taking the time to do that. I pray Wisdom and love to all of you from our God who does care and Who somehow, someday hopefully will make sense of this crazy painful and s.t.u.p.i.d. time. Which at the same time seems to be so filled with beauty and love and His blessings as well… What a world you have to live in at this time.. I am so sorry about that.. Stay close to Him. His Shalom to you, your family and home. hugs, Pauline

Hi Nico: Your message made me cry. You are all being so brave, trusting God and finding ways to be thankful in the most difficult of situations. Do you know how many people yours lives and your walk with Jesus is affecting? It’s HUGE!! THE PEACE FOR EACH MOMENT OF EACH DAY FOR BOTH YOU AND INGRID IS GOD’S PEACE THAT PASSES UNDERSTANDING. We pray for you all daily and know our God is GOOD AND MERCIFUL. Love to you both, Shirley for Pete too

hello Ingrid, Some people I know, know you, and gave me your blog address. I’ve just read a blog post and wanted to tell you, Ingrid et al, that I think you have the King’s courage, and the Prince’s peculiar peace. “Peace has come to mean the time when there aren’t any wars or even when there aren’t any major wars. Beggars can’t be choosers; we’d most of us settle for that. but in Hebrew, shalom, means fullness, means having everything you need to be wholly and happily yourself.
One of the titles by which Jesus is known is Prince of Peace, and he used the word himself in what seem at first glance to be two radically contradictory utterances. On one occasion he said to the disciples, “Do not think that I have come to bring peace on earth; I have not come to bring peace, but a sword” (Matt. 10:34) and later on, the last time they ate together, he said to them,” Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you” (John 14:27) The contradiction is resolved when you realize that for Jesus peace seems to have meant not the absence of struggle but the presence of love.”
– Frederick Buechner

And Ingrid et al, it is good to know of the love surrounding you. Thank you for telling of it.

Thanks for the update Nico. Thank you Jesus for Your Peace!
Lord release more of heaven’s atmosphere into Ingrid’s room. Saturate her mind and body with Your Presence and Father permeate her heart with Your Love!

im crying. nico, i am heart broken that this hardship is happening in your family. i am also overwhelmed by the way you write with grace and humor. it’s hard to know exactly what to weite, but i want you to know that aaron and i are thinking about you and sending our love everyday. <3 crystal (schrade)

It’s a strange feeling to attempt to find words, when no words suffice. Although I only met Ingrid once, I have met her many times in the words of the people who’s lives she has touched. I feel an ethereal tie, as we are all sisters and brothers. From me and my kin to you and yours, soul-felt sorrow.