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Thursday, February 23, 2017

I ignored the news for a week. Here's what I did instead.

Ugh, the news. Am I right? Sheesh. I ignored the news for a week. Here's what I did instead.

1. I stared at my college aged neighbors as they drank their cheap beer and threw cigarette butts at my cat. I couldn't figure out if they were G-men disguised as aimless youth or if they were just aimless youth. But I live behind a cell tower so they must be part of Trump's hostile takeover of my tiny neighborhood.

2. I read the neighborhood updates in NextDoor. A lot of people sell vitamins. I decided to stock up. Even though I wasn't reading the news, I was sure the world was collapsing. I could see Russians everywhere. What if the vitamin salespeople were part of a Russian conspiracy to turn American frogs gay and turn Americans into frog-fucking weirdos.

4. I went on a strict beans only diet for half a day because I couldn't figure out what to do with the other half of the day without news. This at least set me up with a date shitting my brains out on the toilet. My toilet isn't yet Wi-Fi connected so the sound of Joe Scarborough leveraging his laughably short term as a Florida representative as evidence he knows everything about politics and people. Get over it, Joe. You know as much about politics as you know about guitar and you won't shut the fuck up about that either.

5. I wrote poetry about things nobody else knows like how much more enlightened I am because I read articles on Medium.com. Here's a stanza:

I'm not reading articles on mediumRight nowBecause I read an article on mediumAbout how much better life is when you fastFrom the newsFuck the newsFUCK the newsI saidFuck the newsAlso,I skippedANumber
6. I enjoyed the little things like putting ants under a magnifying glass delighting in my power to end worlds and steadily progressed from insects to fish, back to insects, then fish, then merely contemplating mammals, but ultimately sticking to insects.

7. I became an artisinal hot dog encaser. I read about it on medium. Opened an Etsy.