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﻿Title: Joe Miller's Jests, or The Wits Vade-Mecum
Author: Miller, Joseph, 1684-1738 [Other], Mottley, John, 1692-1750 [Compiler]
Language: English
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Joe Miller's _JESTS_
OR, THE
WITS
_VADE-MECUM_.
BEING
A Collection of the most Brilliant JESTS; the Politest
REPARTEES; the most Elegant BONS MOTS, and most pleasant
short Stories in the _English_ Language.
First carefully collected in the Company, and many of them
transcribed from the Mouth of the Facetious GENTLEMAN, whose
Name they bear; and now set forth and published by his
lamentable Friend and former Companion, _Elijah Jenkins_,
Esq;
Most Humbly INSCRIBED
_To those_ CHOICE-SPIRITS _of the_ AGE,
Captain BODENS, Mr. ALEXANDER POPE, Mr. Professor LACY, Mr.
Orator HENLEY, and JOB BAKER, the Kettle-Drummer.
_LONDON:_
Printed and Sold by T. READ, in _Dogwell-Court, White-Fryars,
Fleet-Street_, MDCCXXXIX.
Transcriber's Note: Jest number 59 was omitted from the original text.
JOE MILLER's _JESTS_.
1. The Duke of _A----ll_, who says more good Things than any Body,
being behind the Scenes the First Night of the _Beggar's Opera_, and
meeting _Cibber_ there, well _Colley_, said he, how d'you like the
_Beggar's Opera_? Why it makes one laugh, my Lord, answer'd he, on the
Stage; but how will it do in print. O! very well, I'll answer for it,
said the Duke, if you don't write a Preface to it.[1]
[1] See _Cibber's_ Preface to _Provok'd Husband_.
2. There being a very great Disturbance one Evening at _Drury-Lane_
Play-House, Mr. _Wilks_, coming upon the Stage to say something to
pacify the Audience, had an Orange thrown full at him, which he having
took up, making a low Bow, this is no _Civil Orange_, I think, said he.
3. Mr. _H--rr--n_, one of the Commissioners of the Revenue in
_Ireland_, being one Night in the Pit, at the Play-House in _Dublin_,
_Monoca Gall_, the Orange Girl, famous for her Wit and her Assurance,
striding over his Back, he popp'd his Hands under her Petticoats: Nay,
Mr. Commissioner, said she, you'll find no Goods there but what have
been fairly entered.
4. _Joe Miller_ sitting one day in the Window at the _Sun-Tavern_ in
_Clare-Street_, a Fish Woman and her Maid passing by, the Woman cry'd,
_Buy my Soals; buy my Maids_: Ah, you wicked old Creature, cry'd honest
_Joe_, _What are you not content to sell your own Soul, but you must
sell your Maid's too?_
5. When the Duke of _Ormond_ was young, and came first to Court, he
happen'd to stand next my Lady _Dorchester_, one Evening in the
Drawing-Room, who being but little upon the Reserve on most Occasions,
let a Fart, upon which he look'd her full in the Face and laugh'd.
What's the Matter, my Lord, said she: Oh! I heard it, Madam, reply'd
the Duke, you'll make a fine Courtier indeed, said she, if you mind
every Thing you _hear_ in this Place.
6. A poor Man, who had a termagant Wife, after a long Dispute, in which
she was resolved to have the last Word, told her, if she spoke one more
_crooked_ Word, he'd beat her Brains out: Why then _Ram's Horns_, you
Rogue, said she, if I die for't.
7. A Gentleman ask'd a Lady at _Tunbridge_, who had made a very
large Acquaintance among the Beaus and pretty Fellows there, what she
would do with them all. O! said she, they pass off like the Waters; and
pray, Madam, reply'd the Gentleman do they all _pass_ the _same Way_?
8. An Hackney-Coachman, who was just set up, had heard that the Lawyers
used to club their _Three-Pence_ a-piece, four of them, to go to
_Westminster_, and being called by a Lawyer at _Temple-Bar_, who, with
two others in their Gowns, got into his Coach, he was bid to drive to
_Westminster-Hall_: but the Coachman still holding his Door open, as if
he waited for more Company; one of the Gentlemen asked him, why he did
not shut the Door and go on, the Fellow, scratching his Head, cry'd you
know, Master, my Fare's a Shilling, I can't go for _Nine-Pence_.
9. Two Free-thinking Authors proposed to a Bookseller, that was a little
decayed in the World, that if he would print their Works they would
_set him up_, and indeed they were as good as their Word, for in six
Week's Time he was in the _Pillory_.
10. A Gentleman was saying one Day at the _Tilt-Yard_ Coffee-House,
when it rained exceeding hard, that it put him in Mind of the General
_Deluge_; Zoons, Sir, said an old Campaigner, who stood by, who's that?
I have heard of all the _Generals_ in _Europe_ but him.
11. A certain Poet and Player, remarkable for his Impudence and
Cowardice, happening many Years ago to have a Quarrel with Mr.
_Powell_, another Player, received from him a smart Box of the Ear; a
few Days after the Poetical Player having lost his Snuff-Box, and
making strict Enquiry if any Body had seen his _Box_; what said another
of the Buskin'd Wits, _that_ which _George Powell_ gave you t'other
Night?
12. _Gun Jones_, who had made his Fortune himself from a mean
Beginning, happening to have some Words with a Person who had known him
some Time, was asked by the other, how he could have the Impudence to
give himself so many Airs to him, when he knew very well, that he
remember'd him seven Years before with hardly a _Rag to his A--_. You
lie, Sirrah, reply'd _Jones_, seven Years ago _I had nothing but Rags
to my A--_.
13. Lord _R----_ having lost about fifty Pistoles, one Night, at
the Gaming-Table in _Dublin_, some Friends condoling with him upon his
ill Luck, Faith, said he, I am very well pleas'd at what I have done,
for I have bit them, by G---- there is not one Pistole that don't want
Six-Pence of Weight.
14. Mother _Needham_, about 25 Years age being much in Arrear with
her Landlord for Rent, was warmly press'd by him for his Money, Dear
Sir, said she, how can you be so pressing at this dead Time of the
Year, in about six Weeks Time both the Par----, and the C--n--v--c--n
will sit, and then Business will be so brisk, that I shall be able to
pay ten Times the Sum.
15. A Lady being asked how she liked a Gentleman's Singing, who had a
very _stinking Breath_, the Words are good, said she, but the _Air_ is
intolerable.
16. The late Mrs. _Oldfield_ being asked if she thought Sir _W. Y._
and Mrs. _H----n_, who had both stinking Breaths, were marry'd: I
don't know, said she, whether they are marry'd; but I am sure there is
a _Wedding_ between them.
17. A Gentleman saying something in Praise of Mrs. _G----ve_, who
is, without Dispute, a good Player, tho' exceeding saucy and exceeding
ugly; another said, her Face always put him in mind of _Mary-Bone
Park_, being desired to explain himself, he said, it was vastly _rude_
and had not one Bit of _Pale_ about it.
18. A pragmatical young Fellow sitting at Table over-against the learned
_John Scot_, asked him what difference there was between _Scot_ and
_Sot_: _Just the Breadth of the Table_, answered the other.
19. Another Poet asked _Nat Lee_ if it was not easy to write like a
_Madman_, as he did: No, answered _Nat_, but it is easy to write like a
_Fool_ as you do.
20. _Colley_, who, notwithstanding his _Odes_, has now and then said
a good Thing, being told one Night by the late Duke of _Wharton_, that
he expected to see him _hang'd_ or _beggar'd_ very soon, by G--d, said
the Laureat, if I had your Grace's _Politicks_ and _Morals_ you might
expect _both_.
21. Sir _Thomas More_, for a long Time had only Daughters, his Wife
earnestly praying that they may have a Boy, at last they had a _Boy_,
who when he came to Man's Estate, proved but simple; _thou prayedst so
long for a Boy_, said Sir _Thomas_ to his Wife, _that at last thou hast
got one who will be a Boy as long as he lives_.
22. The same Gentleman, when Lord Chancellor being pressed by the
Counsel of the Party, for a _longer day_ to perform a Decree, said,
_Take St._ Barnaby's _Day, the longest in the Year_; which happened to
be the next Week.
23. This famous Chancellor, who preserved his Humour and his Wit to the
last Moment, when he came to be executed on _Tower-Hill_, the Heads-man
demanded his _upper Garment_ as his Fee; ay, Friend, said he, taking
off his _Cap_, That I think is my _Upper-Garment_.
24. The Great _Algernoon Sidney_ seemed to shew as little Concern at
his Death, he had indeed got some Friends to intercede with the King
for a Pardon; but when he was told, that his Majesty could not be
prevailed upon to give him his Life, but that in Regard to his ancient
and noble Family, he would remit Part of his Sentence, and only have
his Head cut off; nay, said he, if his Majesty is resolved to have my
_Head_ he may make a Whistle of my _A----_ if he pleases.
25. Lady _C----g_ and her two Daughters having taken Lodgings at a
Leather-Breeches Maker's in _Piccadilly_, the Sign of the _Cock_ and
_Leather-Breeches_, was always put to the Blush when she was obliged
to give any Body Direction to her Lodgings, the Sign being so odd a
one; upon which my Lady, a very good Sort of Woman, sending for her
Landlord, a jolly young Fellow, told him, she liked him and his
Lodgings very well, but she must be obliged to quit them on Account of
his Sign, for she was ashamed to tell any body what it was, O! dear
Madam, said the young Fellow, I would do any Thing rather than lose so
good Lodgers, I can easily alter my Sign; so I think, answered my Lady,
and I'll tell you how you may satisfy both me and my Daughters: _Only
take down your_ Breeches _and let your_ Cock _stand_.
26. When _Rablais_ the greatest Drole in _France_, lay on his Death-Bed,
he could not help jesting at the very last Moment, for having received
the extreme Unction, a Friend coming to see him, said, he hoped he was
_prepared_ for the next World; Yes, yes, reply'd _Rablais_, I am ready
for my Journey now, _they have just greased my Boots_.
27. _Henry_ the IVth, of _France_, reading an ostentatious Inscription
on the Monument of a _Spanish_ Officer, _Here lies the Body of_ Don,
&c., &c. _who never knew what Fear was_. _Then_ said the King, _he
never snuffed a Candle with his Fingers_.
28. A certain Member of the _French_ Academy, who was no great Friend
to the Abbot _Furetiere_, one Day took the Seat that was commonly used
by the Abbot, and soon after having Occasion to speak, and _Furetiere_
being by that Time come in; Here is a Place, said he, Gentlemen, from
when I am likely to utter a thousand Impertinences: Go on, answered
_Furetiere_, there's _one_ already.
29. When Sir _Richard Steele_ was fitting up his great Room, in
_York-Buildings_, for publick Orations, that very Room, which is now so
worthily occupied by the learned and eximious Mr. Professor _Lacy_. He
happened at one Time to be pretty much behind Hand with his Workmen,
and coming one Day among them to see how they went forward, he ordered
one of them to get into the _Rostrum_, and make a Speech, that he might
observe how it could be heard, the Fellow mounting, and scratching his
Pate, told him he knew not what to say, for in Truth he was no Orator.
Oh! said the Knight, no Matter for that, speak any thing that comes
uppermost. Why here, Sir _Richard_, said the Fellow, we have been
working for you these six Weeks, and cannot get one Penny of Money,
pray, Sir, when do you design to pay us? Very well, very well, said Sir
_Richard_, pray come down, I have heard enough, I cannot but own you
speak very distinctly, tho' I don't admire your Subject.
30. A Country Clergyman meeting a Neighbour who never came to Church,
altho' an old Fellow of above Sixty, he gave him some Reproof on that
Account, and asked him if he never read at Home: No, replyed the Clown,
I can't read; I dare say, said the Parson you don't know who made you;
not I, in troth, said the Countryman. A little Boy coming by at the same
Time, who made you, Child, cry'd the Parson, _God_, Sir, answered
the Boy. Why look you there, quoth the honest Clergyman, are not you
ashamed to hear a Child of five or six Years old tell me who made him,
when you that are so old a Man can not: Ah, said the Countryman, it is
no Wonder that he should remember, he was made but t'other Day, it is a
great while, Master, sin I were made.
31. A certain reverend Drone in the Country was complaining to another,
that it was a great Fatigue to preach twice a Day. Oh! said the other, I
preach twice every _Sunday_, and _make nothing of it_.
32. One of the foresaid Gentlemen, as was his Custom, preaching most
exceedingly dull to a Congregation not used to him, many of them slunk
out of the Church one after another, before the Sermon was near ended.
Truly, said a Gentleman present, this learned Doctor has made a very
_moving_ Discourse.
33. Sir _William Davenant_, the Poet, had _no Nose_, who going along
the Meuse one Day, a Beggar-Woman followed him, crying, ah! God
preserve your _Eye-Sight_; Sir, the Lord preserve your _Eye-Sight_.
Why, good Woman, said he, do you pray so much for my _Eye-Sight_? Ah!
dear Sir, answered the Woman, if it should please God that you grow
dim-sighted, you have no Place to hang your _Spectacles_ on.
34. A Welchman bragging of his Family, said, his Father's Effigies
was set up in _Westminster-Abbey_, being ask'd whereabouts, he said
in the same Monument with Squire _Thyne_'s for he was his Coachman.
35. A Person was saying, not at all to the Purpose, that really
_Sampson_, was a very strong Man; Ay, said another, but you are
much stronger, for you make nothing of lugging him by the Head and
Shoulders.
36. My Lord _Strangford_, who stammered very much, was telling a
certain Bishop that sat at his Table, that _Balaam_'s Ass spoke because
he was Pri----est---- Priest-rid, Sir, said a Valet-de-Chambre, who
stood behind his Chair, my Lord would say. No, Friend, reply'd the
Bishop, _Balaam_ could not speak himself, and so his _Ass_ spoke for
him.
37. The same noble Lord ask'd a Clergy-man once, at the Bottom of
his Table, why the _Goose_, if there was one, was always plac'd next
the _Parson_. Really, said he, I can give no Reason for it; but your
Question is so odd, that I shall never see a _Goose_ for the future
without thinking of your _Lordship_.
38. A Gentleman was asking another how that poor Devil _S----ge_
could live, now my Lord _T----l_ had turn'd him off. Upon his Wits
said the other; _That is living upon a slender Stock indeed_,
reply'd the First.
39. A Country Parson having divided his Text under two and twenty
Heads, one of the Congregation went out of the Church in a great Hurry,
and being met by a Friend, he ask'd him, whither he was going? _Home
for my Night-Cap_, answered the first, _For I find we are to stay here
all Night_.
40. A very modest young Gentleman, of the County of _Tiperary_, having
attempted many Ways in vain, to acquire the Affections of a Lady of
great Fortune, at last try'd what was to be done, by the Help of
Musick, and therefore entertained her with a Serenade under her Window,
at Midnight, but she ordered her Servants to drive him thence by
throwing _Stones_ at him; _Your Musick, my Friend_, said one of his
Companions, is as powerful as that of _Orpheus_, for it draws the very
_Stones about you_.
41. A certain Senator, who is not, it may be, esteemed the wisest Man
in the House, has a frequent Custom of shaking his Head when another
speaks, which giving Offence to a particular Person, he complained of
the Affront; but one who had been long acquainted with him, assured the
House, it was only an ill Habit he had got, for though he would
oftentimes shake his _Head_, there was _nothing_ in it.
42. A Gentleman having lent a Guinea, for two or three Days, to a Person
whose Promises he had not much Faith in, was very much surpriz'd to find
he very punctually kept his Word with him; the same Gentleman being
sometime after desirous of borrowing the like Sum, No, said the other,
you have _deceived_ me once, and I am resolved you shan't do it a
second Time.
43. My Lord Chief Justice Holt had sent, by his Warrant, one of the
_French Prophets_, a foolish Sect, that started up in his Time, to
Prison; upon which Mr. _Lacy_, one of their Followers, came one Day to
my Lord's House, and desired to speak with him, the Servants told him,
he was not well, and saw no Company that Day, but tell him, said
_Lacy_, I must see him, for I come to him from the _Lord God_, which
being told the Chief Justice, he order'd him to come in, and ask'd him
his Business; I come, said he, from the _Lord_, who sent me to thee,
and would have thee grant a _Noli Prosequi_ for _John Atkins_, whom
thou hast cast into Prison: Thou art a false Prophet, answered my Lord,
and a lying Knave, for if the Lord had sent thee it wou'd have been to
the _Attorney-General_, he knows it is not in my Power to grant a
_Noli-Prosequi_.
44. _Tom B--rn--t_ happening to be at Dinner at my Lord Mayor's, in
the latter Part of the late Queen's Reign, after two or three Healths,
the Ministry was toasted, but when it came to _Tom_'s turn to drink, he
diverted it for some Time by telling a Story to the Person who sat next
him; the chief Magistrate of the City not seeing his Toast go round,
call'd out, Gentlemen, _where sticks the Ministry_? At nothing, by
G--d, says _Tom_, and so drank off his Glass.
45. My Lord _Craven_, in King _James_ the First's Reign, was very
desirous to see _Ben Johnson_, which being told to _Ben_, he went to my
Lord's House, but being in a very tatter'd Condition, as Poets
sometimes are, the Porter refus'd him Admittance, with some saucy
Language, which the other did not fail to return: My Lord happening to
come out while they were wrangling, asked the Occasion of it: _Ben_,
who stood in need of no-body to speak for him, said, he understood his
Lordship desired to see him; you, Friend, said my Lord, who are you?
_Ben Johnson_, reply'd the other: No, no, quoth my Lord, you cannot be
_Ben Johnson_ who wrote the _Silent Woman_, you look as if you could
not say Bo to a Goose: _Bo_, cry'd _Ben_, very well, said my Lord, who
was better pleas'd at the Joke, than offended at the Affront, I am now
convinced, by your Wit, you are _Ben Johnson_.
46. A certain Fop was boasting in Company that he had every _Sense_
in Perfection; no, by G--d, said one, who was by, there is one you are
entirely without, and that is _Common Sense_.
47. An _Irish_ Lawyer of the _Temple_, having occasion to go to Dinner,
left these Directions written, and put in the Key-Hole of his Chamber-Door,
_I am gone to the_ Elephant _and_ Castle, _where you shall find me_;
and if _you can't read this Note, carry it down to the Stationer's, and
he will read it for you_.
48. Old _Dennis_ who had been the author of many Plays, going by a
_Brandy-Shop_, in St. _Paul's Church-Yard_; the Man who kept it, came
out to him, and desired him to drink a Dram, for what Reason said he,
because you are a _Dramatick_ Poet, answered the other; well, Sir, said
the old Gentleman, you are an out-of-the-way Fellow, and I will drink a
Dram with you; but when he had so done, he asked him to pay for it,
S'death, Sir, said the Bard, did you not ask me to drink a Dram because
I was a _Dramatick_ Poet; yes Sir, reply'd the Fellow, but I did not
think you had been a _Dram o'Tick_ Poet.
49. _Daniel Purcel_, the famous Punster, and a Friend of his, having a
Desire to drink a Glass of Wine together, upon the 30th of _January_,
they went to the _Salutation Tavern_ upon _Holbourn-Hill_, and finding
the Door shut, they knock'd at it, but it was not opened to 'em, only
one of the Drawers look'd through a little Wicket, and asked what they
would please to have, why open your Door, said _Daniel_, and draw us a
Pint of Wine, the Drawer said, his Master would not allow of it that
Day, it was a _Fast_; D--mn your Master, cry'd he, for a precise
Coxcomb, is he not contented to _fast_ himself but he must make his
Doors _fast_ too.
50. The same Gentleman calling for some Pipes in a Tavern, complained
they were too _short_; the Drawer said they had no other, and those
were but _just come in_: Ay, said _Daniel_, I see you have not bought
them _very long_.
51. The same Gentleman as he had the Character of a great Punster,
was desired one Night in Company, by a Gentleman, to make a _Pun
extempore_, upon what Subject, said _Daniel_, the _King_, answered the
other, the _King_, Sir, said he, is no _Subject_.
52. _G----s E----l_ who, tho' he is very rich, is remarkable for
his sordid Covetousness, told _Cibber_ one Night, in the _Green
Room_, that he was going out of Town, and was sorry to part with him,
for faith _he loved him_, Ah! said _Colley_, I wish I was a Shilling
for your sake, why so, said the other, because then, cry'd the Laureat,
I should be sure _you loved me_.
53. Lord _C----by_ coming out of the House of Lords one Day, called
out, where's my _Fellow_! Not in _England_, by G--d, said a Gentleman,
who stood by.
54. A Beggar asking Alms under the Name of a poor Scholar, a Gentleman
to whom he apply'd himself, ask'd him a Question in _Latin_, the
Fellow, shaking his Head, said he did not understand him: Why, said the
Gentleman, did you not say you were a _poor Scholar_? _Yes_, reply'd
the other, _a poor one indeed, Sir, for I don't understand one Word of_
Latin.
55. Several Years ago when Mrs. _Rogers_ the Player, was young and
handsome, Lord _North_, and _Grey_, remarkable for his homely Face,
accosting her one Night behind the Scenes, ask'd her with a Sigh, what
was a _Cure for Love_? Your _Lordship_, said she, the best I know in
the World.
56. Colonel ----, who made the fine Fire-Works Works in St. _James's
Square_, upon the Peace of _Reswick_, being in Company with some
Ladies, was highly commending the Epitaph just then set up in the Abbey
on Mr. _Purcel's_ Monument,
He _is gone to that Place were only his own_ Harmony _can be
exceeded_.
Lord, Colonel, said one of the Ladies, the same Epitaph might serve for
you, by altering one Word only:
_He is gone to that Place, where only his own_ Fire-Works _can
be exceeded_.
57. Poor _Joe Miller_ happening one Day to be caught by some of his
Friends in a familiar Posture with a Cook Wench, almost as ugly as
_Kate Cl--ve_, was very much rallied by them for the Oddness of his
Fancy. Why look ye, said he, Gentleman, altho' I am not a very young
Fellow, I have a good Constitution, and am not, I thank Heaven, reduced
yet to _Beauty_ or _Brandy_ to whet my Appetite.
58. Lady _N----_, who had but a very homely Face, but was extremely
well shaped, and always near about the Legs and Feet, was tripping one
Morning over the _Park_ in a Mask; and a Gentleman followed her for a
long while making strong Love to her, he called her his _Life_, his
_Soul_, his _Angel_, and begged with abundance of Earnestness, to have
a Glimpse of her Face; at last when she came on the other Side of the
Bird-Cage Walk, to the House she was going into, she turned about and
pulling off her Mask: Well, Sir, said she, what is it you would have
with me? The Man at first Sight of her Face, drew back, and lifting up
his Hands, O! _Nothing!_ Madam, _Nothing_, cry'd he; I cannot say, said
my Lady, but I like your Sincerity, tho' I hate your Manners.
60. Sir _B--ch--r W----y_, in the Beginning of Queen _Anne_'s Reign, and
three or four more drunken Tories, reeling home from the _Fountain-Tavern_
in the _Strand_, on a _Sunday_ Morning, cry'd out, we are the pillars
of the Church, no, by G--d, said a Whig, that happened to be in their
Company, you can be but the _Buttresses_, for you never come on the
Inside of it.
61. After the Fire of _London_, there was an Act of Parliament to
regulate the Buildings of the City, every House was to be _three
Stories_ high, and there were to be no _Balconies_ backwards: A
_Gloucestershire_ Gentleman, a Man of great Wit and Humour, just after
this Act passed, going along the Street, and seeing a little crooked
Gentlewoman, on the other Side of the Way, he runs over to her in great
haste, Lord, Madam, said he, how dare you to walk the Streets thus
publickly? Walk the Streets! why not! answered the little Woman.
Because said he, you are built directly contrary to Act of Parliament,
you are but two Stories high, and your _Balcony_ hangs over your
House-of-Office.
62. One Mr. _Topham_ was so very tall, that if he was living now,
he might be shewn at _Yeate's_ Theatre for a Sight, this Gentleman
going one Day to enquire for a Countryman a little Way out of Town,
when he came to the House, he looked in at a little Window over the
Door, and ask'd the Woman, who sat by the Fire, if her Husband was at
Home. No, Sir, said she, but if you please to _alight_ and come in,
I'll go and call him.
63. The same Gentleman walking across _Covent-Garden_, was asked
by a Beggar-Woman, for an Half-penny or Farthing, but finding he would
not part with his Money, she begg'd for Christ's-Sake, he would give
her one of his old _Shoes_; he was very desirous to know what she could
do with one Shoe, to make my Child a _Cradle_, Sir, said she.
64. King _Charles_ II. having ordered a Suit of Cloaths to be made,
just at the Time when Addresses were coming up to him, from all Parts
of the Kingdom, _Tom Killigrew_ went to the Taylor, and ordered him to
make a very large Pocket on one Side of the Coat, and one so small on
the other, that the King could hardly get his Hand into it, which
seeming very odd, when they were brought home, he ask'd the Meaning of
it, the Taylor said, Mr. _Killigrew_ order'd it so; _Kelligrew_ being
sent for, and interrogated, said, one Pocket was for the _Addresses_ of
his Majesty's Subjects, the other for the _Money_ they would give him.
65. My Lord _B----e_, had married three Wives that were all his
Servants, a Beggar-Woman, meeting him one Day in the Street, made him a
very low Curtesy, Ah, God Almighty bless your Lordship, said she, and
send you a long Life, if you do but live long enough, we shall be all
_Ladies_ in Time.
66. Dr. _Tadloe_, who was a very fat Man, happening to go thump,
thump, with his great Legs, thro' a Street, in _Oxford_, where some
Paviers had been at Work, in the Midst of _July_, the Fellows
immediately laid down their Rammers, Ah! God bless you, Master, cries
one of 'em, it was very kind of you to come this Way, it saves us a
great deal of Trouble this hot Weather.
67. An Arch-Wagg of St. _John_'s College, asked another of the same
College, who was a great _Sloven_, why he would not read a certain
Author called _Go-Clenius_.
68. _Swan_, the famous Punster of _Cambridge_, being a Nonjuror, upon
which Account he had lost his Fellowship, as he was going along the
_Strand_, in the Beginning of King _William_'s Reign, on a very rainy
Day, a Hackney-Coachman called to him, Sir, won't you please to take
Coach, it _rains_ hard: Ay, Friend, said he, but this is no _Reign_ for
me to take Coach in.
69. When _Oliver_ first coined his Money, an old Cavalier looking
upon one of the new Pieces, read the Inscriptions, on one Side was _God
with us_, on the other, _The Commonwealth of_ England; I see, said he,
God and the _Commonwealth_ are on _different_ Sides.
70. Colonel _Bond_ who had been one of King _Charles_ the
First's Judges, dy'd a Day or two before _Oliver_, and it was
strongly reported every where that _Cromwell_ was dead; No, said a
Gentleman, who knew better, he has only given _Bond_ to the Devil
for his farther Appearance.
71. Mr. Serjeant _G--d--r_, being _lame_ of one Leg; and pleading
before Judge _For--e_, who has little or no _Nose_, the Judge told him
he was afraid he had but a _lame_ Cause of it: Oh! my Lord, said the
Serjeant, have but a little Patience, and I'll warrant I prove every
Thing as plain as the _Nose_ on your Face.
72. A Gentleman eating some Mutton that was very tough, said, it put
him in Mind of an old _English_ Poet: Being asked who that was;
_Chau--cer_, replied he.
73. A certain _Roman-Catholick_ Lord, having renounced the _Popish_
Religion, was asked not long after, by a Protestant Peer, _Whether the
Ministers of the_ State, or _Ministers of the_ Gospel _had the greatest
Share in his Conversion_: To whom he reply'd, that when he renounced
_Popery_ he had also renounced auricular _Confession_.
74. _Michael Angelo_, in his Picture of the last Judgment, in the
Pope's Chappel, painted among the Figures in _Hell_, that of a certain
_Cardinal_, who was his Enemy, so like, that everybody knew it at first
Sight: Whereupon the Cardinal complaining to Pope _Clement_ the
Seventh, of the Affront, and desiring it might be defaced: You know
very well, said the Pope, I have Power to deliver a Soul out of
_Purgatory_ but not out of _Hell_.
75. A Gentleman being at Dinner at a Friend's House, the first Thing
that came upon the Table was a Dish of Whitings, and one being put upon
his Plate, he found it stink so much that he could not eat a Bit of it,
but he laid his Mouth down to the Fish, as if he was whispering with
it, and then took up the Plate and put it to his own Ear; the
Gentleman, at whose Table he was, enquiring into the meaning, he told
him he had a Brother lost at Sea, about a _Fortnight ago_, and he was
asking that Fish if he knew any thing of him; and what Answer made he,
said the Gentleman, he told me, said he, he could give no Account of
him, for he had not been at Sea these _three Weeks_.
I would not have any of my Readers apply this Story, as an unfortunate
Gentleman did, who had heard it, and was the next Day whispering a Rump
of Beef at a Friend's House.
76. An _English_ Gentleman happening to be in _Brecknockshire_, he used
sometimes to divert himself with shooting, but being suspected not to
be qualified by one of the little _Welch_ Justices, his Worship told
him, that unless he could produce his Qualification, he should not
allow him to shoot there, and he had _two little Manors_; yes, Sir,
said the _Englishman_, every Body may perceive that, perceive what,
cry'd the _Welchman?_ That you have _too little Manners_, said the
other.
77. The Chaplain's Boy of a Man of War, being sent out of his own Ship
of an Errand to another; the two Boys were conferring Notes about their
Manner of living; how often, said one, do you go to _Prayers_ now, why,
answered the other, in Case of a _Storm_, or any Danger; ay, said the
first, there's some Sense in that, but my Master makes us _pray_ when
there is no more Occasion for it, than for my leaping over-board.
78. Not much unlike this Story, is one a Midshipman told one Night, in
Company with _Joe Miller_ and myself, who said, that being once in
great Danger at Sea, every body was observed to be upon their Knees,
but one Man, who being called upon to come with the rest of the Hands
to _Prayers_, not I, said he, it is your Business to take Care of the
Ship I am but a _Passenger_.
79. Three or four roguish Scholars walking out one Day from the
University of _Oxford_, spied a poor Fellow near _Abingdon_, asleep in
a Ditch, with an Ass by him, loaded with Earthen-Ware, holding the
Bridle in his Hand, says one of the Scholars to the rest, if you'll
assist me, I'll help you to a little Money, for you know we are bare at
present; no doubt of it they were not long consenting; why then, said
he, we'll go and sell this old Fellow's Ass at _Abingdon_, for you know
the Fair is To-morrow, and we shall meet with Chapmen enough; therefore
do you take the Panniers off, and put them upon my Back, and the Bridle
over my Head, and then lead you the Ass to Market, and let me alone
with the Old Man. This being done accordingly, in a little Time after
the poor Man awaking, was strangely surprized to see his Ass thus
metamorphosed; Oh! for God's-sake, said the Scholar, take this Bridle
out of my Mouth, and this Load from my Back. Zoons, how came you here,
reply'd the old Man, why, said he, my Father, who is a great
Necromancer, upon an idle Thing I did to disoblige him, transformed me
into an Ass, but now his Heart has relented, and I am come to my own
Shape again, I beg you will let me go Home and thank him; by all Means,
said the Crockrey Merchant, I don't desire to have any Thing to do with
Conjuration, and so set the Scholar at Liberty, who went directly to
his Comrades, that by this Time were making merry with the Money they
had sold the Ass for: But the old Fellow was forced to go the next Day,
to seek for a new one in the _Fair_, and after having look'd on
several, his own was shewn him for a very good one, O, Ho! said he,
_what have he and his Father quarrelled again already_? No, no, I'll
have nothing to say to him.
80. Mr. _Congreve_ going up the Water, in a Boat, one of the Watermen
told him, as they passed by _Peterborough_ House, that that House had
_sunk a Story_; no, Friend, said he, I rather believe it is a _Story
raised_.
81. The foresaid House, which is the very last in _London_ one Way,
being rebuilt, a Gentleman asked another, who lived in it? his Friend
told him Sir _Robert Grosvenor_; I don't know, said the first, what
Estate Sir _Robert_ has, but he ought to have a very good one, for no
body _lives beyond him in the whole Town_.
82. Two Gentlemen disputing about Religion, in _Button's Coffee-House_,
said one of them, I wonder, Sir, you should talk of Religion, when I'll
hold you five Guineas you can't say the _Lord's Prayer_, done, said the
other, and Sir _Richard Steele_ shall hold Stakes. The Money being
deposited, the Gentleman began with, _I believe in God_, and so went
cleverly thro' the _Creed_; well, said the other, I own I have lost; _I
did not think he could have done it_.
83. A certain Author was telling Dr. _Sewel_, that a Passage he found
fault with in his Poem, might be justify'd, and that he thought it
a _Metaphor_; it is such a one, said the Doctor, as truly I never
_Met-a-fore_.
84. A certain Lady at _Whitehall_, of great Quality but very little
Modesty, having sent for a Linnen Draper to bring her some _Hollands_,
as soon as the young Fellow enter'd the Room, O! Sir, said she, I find
you're a Man fit for Business, for you no sooner look a Lady in the
Face, but you've your _Yard_ in one Hand, and are lifting up the Linnen
with the other.
85. A Country Farmer going cross his Grounds in the Dusk of the
Evening, spy'd a young Fellow and a Lass, very busy near a five Bar
Gate, in one of his Fields, and calling to them to know what they were
about, said the young Man, no Harm, Farmer, we are only going to
_Prop-a-Gate_.
86. King _Henry_ VIII. designing to send a _Nobleman_ on an Embassy
to _Francis_ I. at a very dangerous Juncture, he begg'd to be excused,
saying such a threatening Message, to so hot a Prince as _Francis_ I.
might go near to cost him his Life. Fear not, said old _Harry_, if the
_French_ King should offer to take away your Life, I would revenge you
by taking off the _Heads_ of many _Frenchmen_ now in my Power: _But of
all those Heads_, reply'd the Nobleman, _there may not be one to fit my
Shoulders_.
87. A Parson preaching a tiresome Sermon on _Happiness_ or _Bliss_;
when he had done, a Gentleman told him, he had forgot one Sort of
Happiness: _Happy are they that did not hear your Sermon_.
88. A Country-Fellow who was just come to _London_, gaping about in
every Shop he came to, at last looked into a Scrivener's, where seeing
only one Man sitting at a Desk, he could not imagine what Commodity was
sold there, but calling to the Clerk, pray, Sir, said he, what do you
sell here? _Loggerheads_, cry'd the other, _do you_, answer'd the
Countryman, _Egad then you've a special Trade, for I see you have but
one left_.
89. _Manners_, who was himself but lately made Earl of _Rutland_,
told Sir _Thomas Moor_, he was too much elated by his Preferment,
that he verify'd the old Proverb,
_Honores mutant Mores_.
No, my Lord, said Sir _Thomas_, the _Pun_ will do much better in
_English_:
_Honours change_ MANNERS.
90. A Nobleman having chose a very illiterate Person for his Library
Keeper, one said it was like _a Seraglio kept by an Eunuch_.
91. A Mayor of _Yarmouth_, in ancient Times, being by his Office a
Justice of the Peace, and one who was willing to dispense the Laws
wisely, tho' he could hardly read, got him the Statute-Book, where
finding a Law against _firing a Beacon_, or causing any _Beacon_ to be
fired, after nine of the Clock at Night, the poor Man read it _frying
of Bacon, or causing any Bacon to be fryed_; and accordingly went out
the next Night upon the _Scent_, and being directed by his _Nose_, to
the Carrier's House, he found the Man and his Wife both _frying of
Bacon_, the Husband holding the Pan while the Wife turned it: Being
thus caught in the Fact, and having nothing to say for themselves, his
Worship committed them both to Jail, without Bail or Mainprize.
92. The late facetious Mr. _Spiller_, being at the Rehearsal, on a
_Saturday_ Morning, the Time when the Actors are usually paid, was
asking another, whether Mr. _Wood_, the Treasurer of the House, had
any Thing to say to them that Morning; no, faith, _Jemmy_, reply'd
the other, I'm afraid there's no Cole, which is a cant Word for
Money; by G--d, said _Spiller_, if there is no _Cole_ we must burn
_Wood_.
93. A witty Knave coming into a Lace-Shop upon _Ludgate-Hill_, said,
he had Occasion for a small Quantity of very fine Lace, and having
pitched upon that he liked, asked the Woman of the Shop, how much she
would have, for as much as would reach from one of his Ears to the
other, and measure which Way she pleased, either over his Head or under
his Chin; after some Words, they agreed, and he paid the Money down,
and began to measure, saying, _One of my Ears is here, and the other is
nailed to the Pillory in_ Bristol, _therefore, I fear you have not
enough to make good your Bargain; however, I will take this Piece in
part, and desire you will provide the rest with all Expedition_.
94. When Sir _Cloudsly Shovel_ set out on his last Expedition, there
was a Form of Prayer, composed by the Archbishop of _Canterbury_, for
the Success of the Fleet, in which his Grace made Use of this unlucky
Expression, that he begged God would be a _Rock_ of Defence to the
Fleet, which occasioned the following Lines to be made upon the
Monument, set up for him, in _Westminster-Abbey_, he being cast away
in that Expedition, on the Rocks call'd, the _Bishop and his Clerks_.
_As_ Lambeth _pray'd, such was the dire Event,
Else had we wanted now this Monument;
That God unto our Fleet would be a Rock,
Nor did kind Heav'n, the wise Petition mock;
To what the_ Metropolitan _said then,
The_ Bishop and his Clerks _reply'd_, Amen.
95. A _French_ Marquis being once at Dinner at _Roger Williams's_,
the famous Punster and Publican, and boasting of the happy Genius of
his Nation, in projecting all the fine Modes and Fashions, particularly
the _Ruffle_, which he said, _was de fine Ornament to de Hand, and had
been followed by all de oder Nations_: _Roger_, allowed what he said,
but observed, at the same Time, that the English, according to Custom,
had made a great Improvement upon their Invention, _by adding the Shirt
to it_.
96. A poor dirty Shoe-Boy going into a Church, one _Sunday_ Evening,
and seeing the Parish-Boys standing in a Row, upon a Bench to be
catechized, he gets up himself, and stands in the very first Place,
so the Parson of Course beginning with him, asked him, _What is your
Name_? _Rugged_ and _Tough_, answered he, _who gave you that Name_?
says Domine: _Why the Boys in our Alley_, reply'd poor _Rugged_ and
_Tough, Lord d--mn them_.
97. A Prince laughing at one of his Courtiers whom he had employed in
several Embassies, told him, he looked like an _Owl_. I know not,
answered the Courtier, what I look like; but this I know, that I have
had the Honour several Times to represent your _Majesty's Person_.
98. A _Venetian_ Ambassador going to the Court of _Rome_, passed
through _Florence_, where he went to pay his Respects to the late
Duke of _Tuscany_. The Duke complaining to him of the Ambassador
the State of _Venice_ had sent him, as a Man unworthy of his Publick
Character; _Your Highness_, said he, _must not wonder at it, for we
have many Idle Pates, at_ Venice. _So have we_, reply'd the Duke,
in Florence; _but we don't send them to treat of Publick Affairs_.
99. A Lady's Age happening to be questioned, she affirmed, she was
but _Forty_, and call'd upon a Gentleman that was in Company for his
Opinion; Cousin, said she, do you believe I am in the Right, when I say
I am but _Forty_? I ought not to dispute it, Madam, reply'd he, for I
have heard you say so _these ten Years_.
100. It being proved in a Trial at _Guild-Hall_, that a Man's Name was
really _Inch_, who pretended that it was _Linch_, I see, said the
Judge, the old Proverb is verified in this Man, who being allowed an
_Inch_ took an _L_.
101. A certain Person came to a Cardinal in _Rome_, and told him that
he had brought his Eminence a dainty white _Palfrey_, but he fell lame
by the Way; saith the Cardinal to him, I'll tell thee what thou shalt
do, go to such a Cardinal, and such a one, naming half a Dozen, and
tell them the same, and so as thy Horse, if it had been _sound_, could
have pleas'd but _one_, with this _lame Horse_ thou shalt please half a
Dozen.
102. A prodigal Gallant (whose penurious Mother being lately dead, had
left him a plentiful Estate) one Day being on his Frolicks, quarrell'd
with his Coachman, and said, you damn'd Son of a Whore, I'll kick you
into Hell; to which the Coachman answer'd, _if you kick me into Hell,
I'll tell your Mother how extravagantly you spend your Estate here upon
Earth_.
103. The Emperor _Augustus_, being shewn a young _Grecian_, who very
much resembled him, asked the young Man if his _Mother_ had not been at
_Rome_: No, Sir, answer'd the _Grecian_ but my _Father_ has.
104. _Cato_ the Censor being ask'd, how it came to pass, that he had no
Statue erected for him, who had so well deserved of the Common-Wealth?
I had rather, said he, have this Question asked, than _why I had one_.
105. A Lady coming into a Room hastily, with her _Mantua_, brush'd down
a _Cremona_ Fiddle, that lay on a Chair, and broke it, upon which a
Gentleman that was present burst into this Exclamation from _Virgil_:
_Mantua væ miseræ nimium Vicina Cremona._
_Ah miserable_ Mantua _too near a Neighbour to_ Cremona.
106. A devout Gentleman, being very earnest in his Prayers, in the
Church, it happened that a Pick-Pocket being near him, stole away his
_Watch_, who having ended his Prayers, mist it, and complained to his
Friend, that his _Watch_ was lost, while he was at Prayers; to which
his friend reply'd, _Had you watch'd as well as pray'd, your Watch had
been secure, adding these following Lines_.
_He that a Watch will wear, this must he do,
Pocket his Watch, and watch his Pocket too._
107. _George Ch----n_, who was always accounted a very blunt Speaker,
asking a young Lady one Day, what it was o'Clock, and she telling him
her Watch _stood_, I don't wonder at that, Madam, said he, when it is
so near your ----.
108. A modest Gentlewoman being compelled by her Mother to accuse her
Husband of Defect, and being in the Court, she humbly desired of the
Judge, that she might write her Mind, and not be obliged to speak it,
for Modesty's sake; the Judge gave her that Liberty, and a Clerk was
immediately commanded to give her Pen, Ink, and Paper, whereupon she
took the Pen without dipping it into the Ink, and made as if she would
write; says the Clerk to her, Madam, there is no Ink in your Pen.
_Truly, Sir_, says she, _that's just my Case, and therefore I need not
explain myself any further_.
109. A Lieutenant Colonel to one of the _Irish_ Regiments, in the
_French_ Service, being dispatched by the Duke of _Berwick_, from _Fort
Kehl_, to the King of _France_, with a Complaint, relating to some
Irregularities, that had happened in the Regiment; his _Majesty_, with
some Emotion of Mind, told him, _That the_ Irish _Troops gave him more
Uneasiness than all his Forces besides_. _Sir_, (says the Officer) _all
your Majesty's Enemies make the same Complaint_.
110. Mr. _G----n_, the Surgeon being sent for to a Gentleman, who had
just received a slight Wound in a Rencounter, gave Orders to his
Servant to go Home with all haste imaginable, and fetch a certain
Plaister; the Patient turning a little Pale, Lord, Sir, said he, _I
hope there is no Danger_. _Yes, indeed is there_, answered the Surgeon,
_for if the Fellow don't set up a good pair of Heels, the Wound will
heal before he returns_.
111. Not many Years ago, a certain Temporal Peer, having in a most
pathetick and elaborate Speech, exposed the Vices and Irregularities of
the Clergy, and vindicated the Gentlemen of the Army from some
Imputations unjustly laid upon them: A Prelate, irritated at the
Nature, as well as the Length of the Speech, _desired to know when the
Noble Lord would leave off preaching_. The other answer'd, _The very
Day he was made a Bishop_.
112. It chanc'd that a Merchant Ship was so violently tossed in a Storm
at Sea that all despairing of Safety, betook themselves to Prayer,
saving one Mariner, who was ever wishing to see two _Stars_: Oh! said
he, that I could but see two Stars, or but one of the Two, and of these
Words he made so frequent Repetition, that, disturbing the Meditations
of the rest, at length one asked him, what two Stars, or what one Star
he meant? To whom he reply'd, _O! that I could but see the Star in
Cheapside, or the Star in_ Coleman-street, _I care not which_.
113. A Country Fellow subpoeena'd for a Witness upon a Trial on an
Action of Defamation, he being sworn, the Judge had him repeat the very
same Words he had heard spoken; the Fellow was loath to speak, but
humm'd and haw'd for a good Space, but being urged by the Judge, he at
last spoke, _My Lord_, said he, _You are a Cuckold_: The Judge seeing
the People begin to laugh, called to him, and had him speak to the
_Jury, there were twelve of them_.
114. A Courtier, who was a Confident of the Amours of _Henry_ IV. of
_France_, obtained a Grant from the King, for the Dispatch whereof he
applyed himself to the Lord High Chancellor: Who finding some Obstacle
in it, the Courtier still insisted upon it, and would not allow of any
Impediment, _Que chacun se mêle de son Metier_, said the Chancellor to
him; that is, _Let every one meddle with his own Business_. The
Courtier imagining he reflected upon him for his pimping; _my
Employment_, said he, _is such, that, if the King were twenty Years
younger I would not exchange it for three of your's_.
115. A Gentlewoman, who thought her Servants always cheated her, when
they went to _Billingsgate_ to buy Fish, was resolved to go thither one
Day herself, and asking the Price of some Fish, which she thought too
dear, she bid the Fish-Wife about half what she asked; Lord, Madam,
said the Woman, I must have stole it to sell it at that Price, but you
shall have it if you will tell me what you do to make your Hands look
so white; Nothing, good Woman, answered the Gentlewoman, but wear
_Dog-Skin Gloves_: D--mn you for a lying Bitch, reply'd the other, my
Husband has wore _Dog-Skin Breeches_ these ten Years, and his A--se is
as brown as a Nutmeg.
116. Dr. _Heylin_, a noted Author, especially for his _Cosmography_,
happened to lose his Way going to _Oxford_, in the Forest of
_Whichwood_: Being then attended by one of his Brother's Men, the Man
earnestly intreated him to lead the Way; but the Doctor telling him he
did not know it: _How!_ said the Fellow, _that's very strange that you,
who have made a Book of the whole World, cannot find the Way out of
this little Wood_.
117. Monsieur _Vaugelas_ having obtained a Pension from the _French_
King, by the Interest of Cardinal _Richelieu_, the Cardinal told him,
he hoped he would not forget the Word _Pension_ in his Dictionary. No,
my Lord, said _Vaugelas_, nor the Word _Gratitude_.
118. A melting Sermon being preached in a Country Church, all fell a
weeping but one Man, who being asked, why he did not weep with the
rest? O! said he, _I belong to another Parish_.
119. A Gentlewoman growing big with Child, who had two Gallants, one of
them with a wooden Leg, the Question was put, which of the two should
father the Child. He who had the wooden Leg offer'd to decide it thus.
_If the Child_, said he, _comes into the World with a wooden Leg, I
will father it, if not, it must be your's_.
120. A Gentleman who had been out a shooting brought home a small Bird
with him, and having an _Irish_ Servant, he ask'd him, if he had shot
that little Bird, yes, he told him; Arrah! by my Shoul, Honey, reply'd
the _Irish_ Man, it was not worth Powder and Shot, for this little
Thing would have _died in the Fall_.
121. The same _Irishman_ being at a Tavern where the Cook was dressing
some Carp, he observed that some of the Fish moved after they were
gutted and put in the Pan, which very much surprizing Teague, well,
now, faith, said he, _of all the Christian Creatures that ever I saw,
this same Carp will live the longest after it is dead_.
122. A Gentleman happening to turn up against an House to make Water,
did not see two young Ladies looking out of a Window close by him,
'till he heard them giggling, then looking towards them, he asked, what
made them so merry? O! Lord, Sir, said one of them, _a very little
Thing_ will make us laugh.
123. A Gentleman hearing a Parson preach upon the Story of the Children
being devoured by the two _She Bears_, who reviled the old Man, and not
much liking his Sermon; some Time after seeing the same Parson come
into the Pulpit to preach at another Church: O ho! said he, _What are
you here with your_ Bears _again_.
124. A young Fellow riding down a steep Hill, and doubting that the
Foot of it was boggish, call'd out to a Clown that was ditching, and
ask'd him, if it was hard at the Bottom: Ay, ay, answered the
Countryman, it's hard enough at the Bottom I'll warrant you: But in
half a Dozen Steps the Horse sunk up to the Saddle Skirts, which made
the young Gallant whip, spur, curse and swear, why thou Whoreson
Rascal, said he, to the Ditcher, did'st thou not tell me it was hard at
Bottom? _Ay_, reply'd the other, _but you are not half Way to the
Bottom yet_.
125. It was said of one who remembered every Thing that he lent, but
quite forgot what he borrowed, _That he had lost half his Memory_.
126. One speaking of _Titus Oats_, said, he was a Villain in Grain, and
deserved to be well _threshed_.
127. It was said of _Henry_, Duke of _Guise_, that he was the greatest
Usurer in all _France_, for he had turned all his Estate into
_Obligations_, meaning, he had sold and mortgaged his Patrimony, to
make Presents to other Men.
128. An _Englishman_ and a _Welchman_ disputing in whose Country was
the best Living, said the _Welchman_, there is such noble Housekeeping
in _Wales_, that I have known above a Dozen Cooks employ'd at one
Wedding Dinner; Ay, answered the _Englishman_, that was because every
Man _toasted his own Cheese_.
129. The late Sir _Godfrey Kneller_, had always a very great Contempt,
I will not pretend to say how justly, for _J----s_ the Painter, and
being one Day about twenty Miles from _London_, one of his Servants
told him at Dinner, that there was Mr. _J----s_ come that Day into the
same Town with a Coach and four: Ay, said Sir _Godfrey_, but if his
Horses _draw_ no better than himself, they'll never carry him to Town
again.
130. Some Women speaking of the Pains of Childbirth, for my Part, said
one of them, it is less Trouble to me, than to swallow a Poach'd Egg:
Then sure, Madam, answer'd another, your _Throat_ is very narrow.
131. A Gentleman asked _Nanny Rochford_, why the Whigs, in their
Mourning for Queen _Anne_, all wore Silk Stockings: Because, said she,
the Tories _were worsted_.
132. A Counsellor pleading at the Bar with Spectacles on, who was blind
with one Eye, said, he would produce nothing but what was _ad Rem_,
then said one of the adverse Party, _You must take out one Glass of
your Spectacles, which I am sure is of no Use_.
133. The famous _Tom Thynn_, who was remarkable for his good
Housekeeping and Hospitality, standing one Day at his Gate in the
Country, a Beggar coming up to him, cry'd, he begg'd his Worship would
give him a Mugg of his _Small Beer_: Why how now, said he, what Times
are these! _when Beggars must be Choosers_. I say, bring this Fellow a
Mugg of _Strong Beer_.
134. It was said of a Person, who always eat at _other Peoples Tables_,
and was a great _Railer_, that he never opened _his Mouth_ but to some
Body's Cost.
135. Pope _Sixtus Quintus_, who was a poor Man's Son, and his Father's
House ill thatched, so that the Sun came in at many Places of it, would
himself make a Jest of his Birth, and say, _that he was_, Nato di Casa
illustre, _Son of an illustrious House_.
136. _Diogenes_ begging, as was the Custom among many Philosophers,
asked a _prodigal Man_ for more than any one else: Whereupon one said
to him, _I see your Business, that when you find a liberal Mind, you
will take most of him_: _No_, said _Diogenes, but I mean to beg of the
rest again_.
137. Dr. _Sewel_, and two or three Gentlemen, walking towards
_Hampstead_ on a Summer's Day, were met by the famous _Daniel Purcel_,
who was very importunate with them to know upon what Account they were
going there; the Doctor merrily answering him, _to make Hay_; Very
well, reply'd the other, you'll be there at a very convenient Season,
the Country wants _Rakes_.
138. A Gentleman speaking of his Servant, said, _I believe I command
more than any Man, for before my Servant will obey me in one Thing, I
must command him ten Times over_.
139. A poor Fellow that was carrying to Execution had a Reprieve just
as he came to the Gallows, and was carried back by a Sheriff's Officer,
who told him, he was a happy Fellow, and asked him, if he knew nothing
of the Reprieve before-hand; no, reply'd the Fellow, nor thought any
more of it, than I did of my _Dying Day_.
140. A _Spanish_ Lady reading, in a _French_ Romance, a long
Conversation betwixt two Lovers; _What a deal of Wit_, said she, _is
here thrown away, when two Lovers are got together, and no Body by_?
141. A Countryman admiring the stately Fabrick of St. _Paul's_, ask'd,
_whether it was made in_ England, or _brought from beyond Sea_?
142. _Fabricus_ the _Roman_ Consul, shew'd a great Nobleness of Mind,
when the Physician of King _Pyrrhus_ made him a Proposal to poison his
Master, by sending the Physician back to _Pyrrhus_, with these Words;
_Learn, O King! to make a better Choice of thy_ Friends _and of thy_
Foes.
143. A Lady, who had generally a pretty many Intrigues upon her Hands,
not liking her Brother's extravagant Passion for Play, asked him, when
he designed to leave off _Gaming_; when you cease _Loving_, said he;
then reply'd the Lady, _you are like to continue a Gamester as long as
you live_.
144. A Soldier was bragging before _Julius Cæsar_, of the Wounds he had
received in his Face; _Cæsar_, knowing him to be a Coward, told him, he
had best take heed, the next Time he ran away, _how he look'd back_.
145. The _Trojans_ sending Ambassadors to condole with _Tiberius_ upon
the Death of his Father-in-Law _Augustus_, it was so long after, that
the Emperor hardly thought it a Compliment, but told them he was
likewise sorry _that they had lost so valiant a Knight_ as Hector, who
was slain above a thousand Years before.
146. _Cato Major_ used to say, _That wise Men learned more from_ Fools,
_than_ Fools _from wise Men_.
147. A _Braggadochio_ chancing, upon an Occasion, to run away full
Speed, was asked by one, what was become of that Courage he used so
much to talk of, it is got, said he, _all into my Heels_.
148. Somebody asked my Lord _Bacon_ what he thought of _Poets_, why,
said he, I think them the very best Writers next to those who write in
Prose.
149. A Profligate young Nobleman, being in Company with some sober
People, desired leave to toast the _Devil_; the Gentleman who sat next
him, said, he had no Objection to any of his Lordship's Friends.
150. A _Scotsman_ was very angry with an _English_ Gentleman, who, he
said, had abused him, and called him _false Scot_; Indeed, said the
_Englishman_, I said no such Thing, but that you were a _true Scot_.
151. The late Commissary-General _G--ley_, who once kept a Glass Shop,
having General _P--c--k's_ Regiment under a Muster, made great
Complaints of the Men's Appearance, &c. and said, _that the Regiment
ought to be broke: Then, Sir_, said the Colonel, _perhaps you think a
Regiment is as soon broke as a Looking-Glass_.
152. _C----ll_, the Bookseller, being under Examination, at the Bar of
the House of Lords, for publishing the Posthumous Works of the late
Duke of _Buckingham_, without Leave of the Family, told their Lordships
in his Defence, _That if the Duke was_ living, _he was sure he would
readily pardon the Offence_.
153. A Gentleman said of a young Wench, who constantly ply'd about the
_Temple_, that if she had as much Law in her _Head_, as she had had in
her _Tail_, she would be one of the ablest _Counsel_ in _England_.
154. _J--ck K----s_, the Painter, having finish'd a very good Picture
of _Figg_ the Prize-Fighter, who had been famous for getting the better
of several _Irishmen_ of the same Profession, the Piece was shewn to
old _J----n_, the Player, who was told at the same Time, that Mr.
_E----s_ designed to have a Mezzo-tinto Print taken from it, but wanted
a Motto to be put under it: Then said old _J----n_, I'll give you one:
_A Figg for the Irish_.
155. Some Gentlemen going into a noted Bawdy-House Tavern at
_Charing-Cross_, found great Fault with the Wine, and sending for the
Master of the House, told him, it was sad Stuff, and very _weak_: It
may be so, said he, for my Trade don't depend upon the _Strength_ of my
_Wine_, but on that of my Tables and Chairs.
156. A Gentleman coming to an Inn in _Smithfield_, and seeing the
Hostler expert and tractable about the Horses, asked, _how long he had
lived there_? And _What Countryman he was_? _I'se Yerkshire_, said the
Fellow, _an ha'_ lived _Sixteen Years here_. I wonder reply'd the
Gentleman, that in so long a Time, so clever a Fellow as you seem to
be, have not come to be Master of the Inn yourself. Ay, said the
Hostler, _But Maister's Yerkshire_ too.
157. The late Colonel _Chartres_, reflecting on his ill Life and
Character, told a certain Nobleman, that if such a Thing as a good Name
was to be purchased, he would freely give 10,000 Pounds for one; the
Nobleman said, _it would certainly be the worst Money he ever laid out
in his Life_. Why so, said the honest Colonel, _because_, answered my
Lord, _you would forfeit it again in less than a Week_.
158. A seedy [poor] half-pay Captain, who was much given to blabbling
every thing he heard, was told, there was but one Secret in the World
he could keep, and that was _where he lodged_.
159. _Jack M----n_, going one Day into the Apartments at St. _James's_,
found a Lady of his Acquaintance sitting in one of the Windows, who
very courteously asked him, to sit down by her, telling him there was a
_Place, No, Madam_, said he, _I don't come to Court for a Place_.
If the gentle Reader should have a Desire to repeat this Story let him
not make the same Blunder that a certain _English-Irish foolish_ Lord
did, who made the Lady ask _Jack_ to sit down by her, telling him there
was _room_.
160. A certain Lady of Quality sending her _Irish_ Footman to fetch
Home a Pair of new Stays, strictly charged him to take a Coach if it
rained for fear of wetting them: But a great Shower of Rain falling,
the Fellow returned with the Stays dropping wet, and being severely
reprimanded for not doing as he was ordered, he said, he had obey'd his
Orders; how then, answered the Lady, could the Stays be wet, if you
took them into the Coach with you? _No_, replyed honest Teague, _I knew
my Place better, I did not go into the Coach, but rode_ behind _as I
always used to do_.
161. _Tom Warner_, the late Publisher of News Papers and Pamphlets,
being very near his End, a Gentlewoman in the Neighbourhood sending her
Maid to enquire how he did, he had the girl tell her Mistress, _that he
hoped he was going to the_ New-Jerusalem; _Ah, dear Sir_, said she, _I
dare say the Air of_ Islington _would do you more good_.
162. A Person said the _Scotch_ were certainly the best trained up for
Soldiers of any People in the World, for they began to _handle their
Arms_ almost as soon as they were born.
163. A Woman once prosecuted a Gentleman for a Rape: Upon the trial,
the Judge asked if she made any Resistance, _I cry'd out, an please you
my Lord_, said she: _Ay_, said one of the Witnesses, _but that was Nine
Months after_.
164. A young Lady who had been married but a short Time, seeing her
Husband going to rise pretty early in the Morning, said, _What, my
Dear, are you getting up already? Pray, lie_ a little longer and rest
yourself. _No, my Dear_, reply'd the Husband, _I'll get up and rest
myself_.
165. The Deputies of _Rochel_, attending to speak with _Henry_ the
Fourth of _France_, met with a Physician who had renounced the
Protestant Religion, and embrac'd the Popish Communion, whom they began
to revile most grievously. The King hearing of it, told the Deputies,
he advis'd them to change their Religion, _for it is a dangerous
Symptom_, says he, _that your religion is not long-liv'd, when a
Physician has given it over_.
166. Two _Oxford_ Scholars meeting on the Road with a _Yorkshire_
Ostler, they fell to bantering the Fellow, and told him, they could
prove him a Horse, an Ass, and I know not what; and I, said the Ostler,
can prove your Saddle to be me a _Mule_: A _Mule!_ cried one of them,
how can that be? because, said the Ostler, it is something between a
_Horse_ and an _Ass_.
167. A _Frenchman_ travelling between _Dover_ and _London_, came into
an Inn to lodge, where the Host perceiving him a close-fisted Cur,
having called for nothing but a Pint of Beer and a Pennyworth of Bread
to eat with a Sallad he had gathered by the Way, resolved to fit him
for it, therefore seemingly paid him an extraordinary Respect, laid him
a clean Cloth for Supper, and complimented him with the best Bed in the
House. In the Morning he set a good Sallad before him, with Cold Meat,
Butter, _&c_., which provok'd the Monsieur to the Generosity of calling
for half a Pint of Wine; then coming to pay, the Host gave him a Bill,
which, for the best Bed, Wine, Sallad, and other Appurtenances, he had
enhanc'd to the Value of twenty Shillings. _Jernie_, says the
_Frenchman_, Twenty Shillings! _Vat you mean?_ But all his sputtering
was in vain; for the Host with a great deal of Tavern-Elocution, made
him sensible that nothing could be 'bated. The Monsieur therefore
seeing no Remedy but Patience, seem'd to pay it chearfully. After which
he told the Host, that his House being extremely troubled with Rats, he
could give him a Receipt to drive 'em away, so as they should never
return again. The Host being very desirous to be rid of those
troublesome Guests, who were every Day doing him one Mischief or other,
at length concluded to give Monsieur twenty Shillings for a Receipt;
which done, _Beggar_, says the Monsieur, _you make a de Rat one such
Bill as you make me, and if ever dey trouble your House again, me will
be hang_.
168. A young Gentleman playing at Questions and Commands with some very
pretty young Ladies, was commanded to take off a Garter from one of
them; but she, as soon as he had laid hold of her Petticoats, ran away
into the next Room, where was a Bed, now, Madam, said he, I _bar_
squeaking, _Bar_ the Door, you Fool, cry'd she.
169. A _Westminster_ Justice taking Coach in the City, and being set
down at _Young Man's_ Coffee-house, _Charing-Cross_, the Driver
demanded Eighteen-Pence as his Fare; the Justice asked him, if he would
swear that the Ground came to the Money; the Man said, he would take
his Oath on't. The Justice replyed, _Friend, I am a Magistrate_, and
pulling a Book out of his Pocket, administer'd the Oath, and then gave
the Fellow _Six-pence_, saying _he must reserve the Shilling to himself
for the_ Affidavit.
170. A Countryman passing along the _Strand_ saw a Coach overturn'd,
and asking what the Matter was? He was told, that three or four Members
of Parliament were overturned in that Coach: Oh, says he, there let
them lie, _my Father always advis'd me not to meddle with State
Affairs_.
171. One saying that Mr. _Dennis_ was an excellent Critick, was
answered, that indeed his Writings were much to be valued; for that by
his Criticism he taught Men how to write well, and by his Poetry,
shew'd 'em what it was to write ill; so that the World was sure to
edify by him.
172. One going to see a Friend who had lain a considerable Time in the
_Marshalsea_ Prison, in a Starving Condition, was persuading him,
rather than lie there in that miserable Case, to go to Sea; which not
agreeing with his high Spirit, _I thank you for your Advice_, replies
the Prisoner, _but if I go to Sea, I'm resolv'd it shall be upon good
Ground_.
173. A Drunken Fellow carrying his Wife's Bible to pawn for a Quartern
of Gin, to an Alehouse, the Man of the House refused to take it. What a
Pox, said the Fellow, will neither my Word, nor the Word of G--d pass?
174. A certain Justice of Peace, not far from _Clerkenwell_, in the
first Year of King _George_ I. when his Clerk was reading a Mittimus to
him, coming to _Anno Domini_ 1714, cry'd out, with some warmth, and
_why not Georgeo Domini, sure, Sir, you forget yourself strangely_.
175. A certain Noblem--, a Cour--r, in the Beginning of the late Reign,
coming out of the H--se of L--ds, accosts the Duke of _B--ham_, with,
_How does your Pot boil, my Lord, these troublesome Times?_ To which
his Grace replied, I never go into my Kitchen, but I dare say the _Scum
is uppermost_.
176. A little dastardly half-witted 'Squire, being once surpriz'd by
his Rival in his Mistress's Chamber, of whom he was terribly afraid,
desir'd for God's Sake to be conceal'd; but there being no Closet or
Bed in the Room, nor indeed any Place proper to hold him, but an
_India_ Chest the Lady put her Cloathes in, they lock'd him in there.
His Man being in the same Danger with himself, said, rather than fail,
he cou'd creep under the Maid's Petticoats: _Oh, you silly Dog_, says
his Master, _that's the commonest Place in the House_.
177. The Lord _N----th_ and _G----y_, being once at an Assembly at the
_Theatre-Royal_ in the _Hay-Market_, was pleas'd to tell Mr.
_H--d--gg--r_, he wou'd make him a Present of 100_l._ if he could
produce an uglier Face in the whole Kingdom than his, the said
_H--d--gg--r_'s, within a Year and a Day: Mr. _H--d--gg--r_ went
instantly and fetch'd a Looking-Glass, and presented it to his
Lordship, saying, _He did not doubt but his Lordship had Honour enough
to keep his Promise_.
178. A young Fellow praising his Mistress before a very amorous
Acqaintance of his, after having run thro' most of her Charms, he came
at Length to her Majestick Gate, fine Air, and delicate slender Waist:
_Hold_, says his Friend, _go no lower, if you love me_; but by your
Leave, says the other, _I hope to go lower if she loves me_.
179. A Person who had an unmeasurable Stomach, coming to a Cook's Shop
to dine, said, it was not his Way to have his Meat cut, but to pay
8_d._ for his _Ordinary_; which the Cook seem'd to think reasonable
enough, and so set a Shoulder of Mutton before him, of half a Crown
Price, to cut where he pleas'd; with which he so play'd the Cormorant,
that he devour'd all but the Bones, paid his _Ordinary_, and troop'd
off. The next Time he came, the Cook casting a Sheep's Eye at him,
desired him to agree for his Victuals, for he'd have no more
_Ordinaries_. Why, a Pox on you, says he, _I'm sure I paid you an_
Ordinary _Price_.
180. The extravagant Duke of _Buckingham [Villars]_ once said in a
melancholy Humour, he was afraid he should _die a Beggar_, which was
the most terrible Thing in the World; upon which a Friend of his
Grace's replyed, No, my Lord, there is a more terrible Thing than that,
and which you have Reason to fear, and that is, _that you'll live a
Beggar_.
181. The same Duke another Time was making his Complaint to Sir _John
Cutler_, a rich Miser, of the Disorder of his Affairs, and asked him,
what he should do to prevent the Ruin of his Estate? _Live as I do, my
Lord_, said Sir _John: That I can do_, answered the Duke, _when I am_
ruined.
182. At another Time, a Person who had long been a Dependant on his
Grace, begged his Interest for him at Court, and to press the Thing
more home upon the Duke, said, _He had no Body to depend on but God and
his Grace; then_, says the Duke, _you are in a miserable Way, for you
could not have pitch'd upon any two Persons who have less Interest at
Court_.
183. The old Lord _Strangford_ taking a Bottle with the Parson of the
Parish, was commending his own Wine: _Here, Doctor_, says he, _I can
send a couple of Ho--Ho--Ho--Hounds to_ France (for his Lordship had an
Impediment in his Speech) _and have a Ho--Ho--Ho--Hogshead of this
Wi--Wi--Wi--Wine for 'em; What do you say to that, Doctor? Why_, I say,
_your Lordship has your Wine-Dog-cheap_.
184. The famous _Jack Ogle_ of facetious Memory, having borrow'd on
Note five Pounds and failing the Payment, the Gentleman who had lent
it, indiscreetly took Occasion to talk of it in the Publick
Coffee-house which oblig'd _Jack_ to take Notice of it, so that it came
to a Challenge. Being got into the Field, the Gentleman a little tender
in Point of Courage, offer'd him the Note to make the Matter up; to
which our Hero consented readily, and had the Note delivered: _But
now_, said the Gentleman, _If we should return without fighting, our
Companions will laugh at us; therefore let's give one another a slight
Scar, and say we wounded one another; with all my Heart_, says _Jack;
Come, I'll wound you first_; so drawing his Sword, he whipt it thro'
the fleshy Part of his Antagonist's Arm, 'till he brought the very
Tears in his Eyes. This being done, and the Wound ty'd up with a
Handkerchief; Come, says the Gentleman, _now where shall I wound you_?
_Jack_ putting himself in a fighting Posture, cried, _Where you can,
B----d Sir; Well, well_, says the other, _I can swear I received this
Wound of you_, and so march'd off contentedly.
185. A Traveller at an Inn once on a very cold Night, stood so near the
Fire that he burnt his Boots: An arch Rogue that sat in the
Chimney-Corner, call'd out to him, _Sir, you'll burn your Spurs
presently_: _My Boots you mean, I suppose_: _No Sir,_ says he, _they
are burnt already_.
186. In Eighty-Eight, when Queen _Elizabeth_ went from _Temple-Bar_
along _Fleet-street_, on some Procession, the Lawyers were rang'd on
one Side of the Way, and the Citizens on the other; says the Lord
_Bacon_, then a Student, to a Lawyer, that stood next him, _Do but
observe the Courtiers; if they bow first to the Citizens, they are in
Debt; if to us, they are in Law_.
187. Some Gentlemen having a Hare for Supper at the Tavern, the Cook,
instead of a Pudding, had cramm'd the Belly full of _Thyme_, but had
not above half roasted the Hare, the Legs being almost raw; which one
of the Company observing said, _There was too much Thyme, or Time, in
the Belly, and too little in the Legs._
188. Two Countrymen who had never seen a Play in their Lives, nor had
any Notion of it, went to the Theatre in _Drury-Lane_, when they placed
themselves snug in the Corner of the Middle-Gallery; the first Musick
play'd, which they lik'd well enough; then the Second, and the Third to
their great Satisfaction: At Length the Curtain drew up, and three or
four Actors enter'd to begin the Play; upon which one of them cry'd to
the other, _Come_, Hodge, _let's be going, ma'haps the Gentlemen are
talking about Business_.
189. A Countryman sowing his Ground, two smart Fellows riding that Way,
call'd to him with an insolent Air: _Well, honest Fellow_, says one of
them, _'tis your Business to sow, but we reap the Fruits of your
Labour_; to which the plain Countryman reply'd, _'Tis very likely you
may, truly, for I am sowing_ Hemp.
190. Two inseparable Comrades, who rode in the Guards in _Flanders_,
had every Thing in common between them. One of them being a very
extravagant Fellow, and unfit to be trusted with Money, the other was
always Purse-bearer, which yet he gain'd little by, for the former
would at Night frequently pick his Pocket to the last _Stiver_; to
prevent which he bethought himself of a Stratagem, and coming among his
Companions the next Day, he told them _he had bit his Comrade_. _Ay,
how?_ says they. _Why_, says he, _I hid my Money in his own Pocket last
Night, and I was sure he would never look for it there_.
191. The famous Sir _George Rook_, when he was a Captain of _Marines_,
quarter'd at a Village where he buried a pretty many of his Men: At
length the Parson refus'd to perform the Ceremony of their Internment
any more, unless he was paid for it, which being told Captain _Rook_,
he ordered Six Men of his Company to carry the Corpse of the Soldier,
then dead, and lay him upon the Parson's Hall-Table. This so embarass'd
the Parson, that he sent the Captain Word, _If he'd fetch the Man away,
he'd bury him and his whole Company for nothing_.
192. A reverend and charitable Divine, for the Benefit of the Country
where he resided, caused a large Causeway to be begun: As he was one
Day overlooking the Work, a certain Nobleman came by, _Well_, Doctor,
says he, _for all your great Pains and Charity, I don't take this to be
the Highway to Heaven: Very true, my Lord_, replied the Doctor, _for if
it had, I shou'd have wondered to have met your Lordship here_.
193. Two Jesuits having pack'd together an innumerable Parcel of
miraculous Lies, a Person who heard them, without taking upon him to
contradict them, told 'em one of his own: That at St. _Alban_'s, there
was a Stone Cistern, in which Water was always preserv'd for the Use of
that Saint; and that ever since, if a Swine shou'd eat out of it, he
wou'd instantly die: The Jesuits, hugging themselves at the Story, set
out the next Day to St. _Alban_'s, where they found themselves
miserably deceived: On their Return, they upbraided the Person with
telling them so monstrous a Story; _Look ye there now_, said he, _you
told me a hundred Lies t'other Night, and I had more Breeding than to
contradict you, I told you but one, and you have rid twenty Miles to
confute me, which is very uncivil_.
194. A _Welchman_ and an _Englishman_ vapouring one Day at the
Fruitfulness of their Countries; the _Englishman_ said, there was a
Close near the Town where he was born, which was so fertile, that if a
_Kiboo_ was thrown in over Night, it would be so cover'd with Grass,
that 'twould be difficult to find it the next Day; _Splut_, says the
_Welchman, what's that_? _There's a Close where hur was born, where you
may put your Horse in over Night, and not be able to find him next
Morning._
195. A Country Fellow in King _Charles_ the IId's. Time, selling his
Load of Hay in the _Haymarket_, two Gentlemen who came out of the
_Blue-Posts_, were talking of Affairs; one said, that Things did not go
right, the King had been at the House and prorogued the Parliament. The
Countryman coming Home, was ask'd what News in _London_? _Odsheart_,
says he, _there's something to do there; the King, it seems, has_
berogued _the Parliament sadly_.
196. A wild young Gentleman having married a very discreet, virtuous
young Lady; the better to reclaim him, she caused it to be given out at
his Return, that she was dead, and had been buried: In the mean Time,
she had so plac'd herself in Disguise, as to be able to observe how he
took the News; and finding him still the same gay inconstant Man he
always had been, she appear'd to him as the Ghost of herself, at which
he seemed not at all dismay'd: At length disclosing herself to him, he
then appear'd pretty much surpriz'd: a Person by said, _Why, Sir, you
seem more afraid now than before; Ay_, replied he, _most Men are more
afraid of a living Wife, than a dead one_.
197. An under Officer of the Customs at the Port of _Liverpool_,
running heedlessly along a Ship's Gunnel, happened to tip over-board,
and was drown'd; being soon after taken up, the Coroner's Jury was
summoned to sit upon the Body. One of the Jury-Men returning home, was
call'd to by an Alderman of the Town, and ask'd what Verdict they
brought in, and whether they found it _Felo de se: Ay, ay_, says the
Jury-Man shaking his Noddle, _he fell into the Sea, sure enough_.
198. One losing a Bag of Money of about 50_l._ between _Temple-Gate_
and _Temple-Bar_, fix'd a Paper up, offering 10_l._ Reward to those who
took it up, and should return it: Upon which the Person that had it
came and writ underneath to the following Effect, _Sir, I thank you,
but you bid me to my Loss_.
199. Two brothers coming to be executed once for some enormous Crime;
the Eldest was first turn'd off, without saying one Word: The other
mounting the Ladder, began to harangue the Crowd, whose Ears were
attentively open to hear him, expecting some Confession from him, _Good
People_, says he, _my Brother hangs before my Face, and you see what a
lamentable_ Spectacle _he makes; in a few Moments, I shall be turned
off too, and then you'll see a Pair of_ Spectacles.
200. It was an usual saying of King _Charles_ II. _That Sailors get
their Money like Horses, and spent it like Asses_; the following Story
is somewhat an instance of it: One Sailor coming to see another on
Pay-day, desired to borrow twenty Shillings of him; the money'd Man
fell to telling out the Sum in Shillings, but a Half-Crown thrusting
its Head in, put him out, and he began to tell again, but then an
impertinent Crown-piece was as officious as it's half Brother had been,
and again interrupted the Tale; so that taking up a Handful of Silver,
he cry'd, _Here_, Jack, _give me a Handful when your Ship's paid, what
a Pox signifies counting it_.
201. A Person enquiring what became of _such a One_? _Oh! dear_, says
one of the Company, _poor fellow, he dy'd insolvent, and was buried by
the Parish: Died in solvent_, crys another, _that's a Lie, for he died
in_ England, _I'm sure I was at his Burying_.
202. A humorous Countryman having bought a Barn, in Partnership with a
Neighbour of his, neglected to make the least Use of it, whilst the
other had plentifully stor'd his Part with Corn and Hay: In a little
Time the latter came to him, and conscientiousily expostulated with him
upon laying out his Money so fruitlessly: _Pray Neighbour_, says he,
_ne'er trouble your Head, you may do what you will with your Part of
the Barn, but I'll set mine o' Fire_.
203. An _Irishman_ whom King _Charles_ II. had some Esteem for, being
only an inferior Servant of the Household, one Day coming into the
King's Presence, his Majesty ask'd him how his Wife did, who had just
before been cut for a _Fistula_ in her Backside. _I humbly thank your
Majesty_, replied Teague, _she's like to do well, but the Surgeon says,
it will be an Eye-Sore as long as she lives_.
204. A young Gentlewoman who had married a very wild Spark, that had
run through a plentiful Fortune, and was reduced to some Streights, was
innocently saying to him one Day, _My Dear, I want some Shifts sadly_.
_Shifts, Madam_, replies he, _D---- me, how can that be, when we make
so many every Day?_
205. A Fellow once standing in the Pillory at _Temple-Bar_, it
occasioned a Stop, so that a Carman with a Load of Cheeses had much ado
to pass, and driving just up to the Pillory, he asked what that was
that was writ over the Person's Head: They told him, it was a Paper to
signify his Crime, that he stood for _Forgery_: Ay, says he, what is
_Forgery_? They answered him, that _Forgery_ was counterfeiting
another's Hand, with Intent to cheat People: To which the Carman
replied, looking up at the Offender, Ah, Pox! this comes of your
Writing and Reading, you silly Dog.
206. Master _Johnny_ sitting one Summer's Evening on the Green with his
Mother's Chamber-maid, among other little Familiarities, as kissing,
pressing her Bubbies and the like, took the Liberty unawares to satisfy
himself whereabouts she ty'd her Garters, and by an unlucky Slip went
farther than he should have done: At which the poor Creature blushing,
cry'd, _Be quiet, Mr._ John, _I'll throw this Stone at your Head,
else_. _Ay, Child_, says he, _and I'll fling two at your Tail if you
do_.
207. When the Prince of _Orange_ came over, Five of the Seven Bishops
who were sent to the Tower declar'd for his Highness, and the other Two
would not come into Measures; upon which Mr. _Dryden_ said, _that the_
seven Golden Candlesticks _were sent to be essay'd in the_ Tower, _and
five of them prov'd_ Prince'_s Metal_.
208. A Dog coming open-mouth'd at a Serjeant upon a March, he run the
Spear of his Halbert into his Throat and kill'd him: The Owner coming
out rav'd extreamly that his Dog was kill'd, and ask'd the Serjeant,
_Why, he could not as well have struck at him with the blunt End of his
Halbert?_ _So I would_, says he, _if he had run at me with his Tail_.
209. King Charles the IId. being in Company with the Lord _Rochester_,
and others of the Nobility, who had been drinking the best Part of the
Night, _Killegrew_ came in; Now, says the King, we shall hear of our
Faults: _No, Faith_, says _Killegrew, I don't care to trouble my Head
with that which all the Town talks of_.
210. A rich old Miser finding himself very ill, sent for a Parson to
administer the last Consolation of the Church to him: Whilst the
Ceremony was performing, old _Gripewell_ falls into a Fit; on his
Recovery the Doctor offered the Chalice to him; _Indeed_, crys he, _I
can't afford to lend you above twenty Shillings upon't, I can't upon my
Word_.
211. A Person who had a chargeable Stomach, used often to asswage his
Hunger at a Lady's Table, having one Time or other promis'd to help her
to a Husband. At length he came to her, _Now Madam_, says he, _I have
brought you a Knight, a Man of Worship and Dignity, one that will
furnish out a Table well_. _Phoo_, says the Lady, _your Mind's ever
running on your Belly_; _No_, says he, _'tis sometimes running o'yours
you see_.
212. One, who had been a very termagant Wife, lying on her Death-bed,
desired her Husband, _That as she had brought him a Fortune she might
have Liberty to make her Will, for bestowing a few Legacies to her
Relations: No, by G--d, Madam_, says he, _You had your Will, all your
Life-time, and now I'll have mine_.
213. When the Lord _Jefferies_, before he was a Judge, was pleading at
the Bar once, a Country Fellow giving Evidence against his Client,
push'd the Matter very home on the Side he swore of; _Jefferies_, after
his usual Way, call'd out to the Fellow, _Hark you, you Fellow in the
Leather-Doublet, what have you for swearing?_ To which the Countryman
smartly reply'd, _Faith, Sir, if you have no more for Lying than I have
for Swearing, you may go in a Leather Doublet too_.
214. The same _Jefferies_ afterwards on the Bench, told an old Fellow
with a long Beard, that _he supposed he had a Conscience as long as his
Beard: Does your Lordship_, replies the old Man, _measure Consciences
by Beards? if so, your Lordship has no Beard at all._
215. _Apelles_, the famous Painter, having drawn the Picture of
_Alexander_ the Great on Horseback, brought it and presented it to that
Prince, but he not bestowing that Praise on it, which so excellent a
Piece deserv'd, _Apelles_ desired a living Horse might be brought; who
mov'd by Nature fell a prancing and neighing, as tho' it had actually
been his living Fellow-Creature; whereupon _Apelles_ told _Alexander,
his Horse understood Painting better than himself_.
216. An old Gentleman who had married a fine young Lady, and being
terribly afraid of Cuckoldom, took her to Task one Day, and ask'd her,
if she had considered what a crying Sin it was in a Woman to cuckold
her Husband? _Lord, my Dear_, says she, _what d'ye mean? I never had
such a Thought in my Head, nor never will_: _No, no_, replied he, _I
shall have it in my Head, you'll have it some where else_.
217. The late Lord _Dorset_, in a former Reign, was asking a certain
Bishop, _why he conferr'd Orders on so many Blockheads_. _Oh, my Lord_,
says he, 'tis better the Ground should be plowed _by Asses, than lie
quite untill'd_.
218. A certain Lady, to excuse herself for a Frailty she had lately
fallen into, said to an intimate Friend of hers, _Lord, how is it
possible for a Woman to keep her Cabinet unpickt, when every Fellow has
got a Key to it_.
219. Mr. _Dryden_, once at Dinner, being offered by a Lady the Rump of
a Fowl, and refusing it, the Lady said, Pray, Mr. _Dryden_, take it,
the Rump is the best Part of the _Fowl_; Yes, Madam, says he, and so I
think it is of the _Fair_.
220. A Company of Gamesters falling out at a Tavern, gave one another
very scurvy Language: At length those dreadful Messengers of Anger, the
Bottles and Glasses flew about like Hail-Shot; one of which mistaking
it's Errand, and hitting the Wainscot, instead of the Person's Head it
was thrown at, brought the Drawer rushing in, who cry'd, _D'ye call
Gentlemen?_ _Call Gentlemen_, says one of the Standers by; _no they
don't call_ Gentlemen, _but they call one another_ Rogue _and_ Rascal,
_as fast as they can_.
221. An amorous young Fellow making very warm Addresses to a marry'd
Woman, _Pray, Sir, be quiet_, said she, _I have a Husband that won't
thank you for making him a Cuckold_: _No Madam_, reply'd he, _but you
will I hope_.
222. One observing a crooked Fellow in close Argument with another, who
would have dissuaded him from some inconsiderable Resolution; said to
his Friend, _Prithee, let him alone, and say no more to him, you see
he's_ bent _upon it_.
223. Bully _Dawson_ was overturned in a Hackney-Coach once, pretty near
his Lodgings, and being got on his Legs again, he said, 'Twas the
greatest Piece of Providence that ever befel him, for it had saved him
the Trouble of bilking the Coachman.
224. A vigorous young Officer, who made Love to a Widow, coming a
little unawares upon her once, caught her fast in his Arms. _Hey day_,
say she, _what do you fight after the_ French _Way: take Towns before
you declare War?_ No, faith, Widow says he, but I should be glad to
imitate them so far, to be in the Middle of the Country before you
could resist me.
225. Sir _Godfrey Kneller_, and the late Dr. _Ratcliffe_, had a Garden
in common, but with one Gate: Sir _Godfrey_, upon some Occasion,
ordered the Gate to be nail'd up; when the Doctor heard of it, he said,
_He did not Care what Sir_ Godfrey _did to the Gate, so he did not
paint it_. This being told Sir _Godfrey_, he replied, _He would take
that, or any Thing from his good Friend, the Doctor, but his Physick_.
226. The same Physician, who was not the humblest Man in the World,
being sent for by Sir _Edward Seymour_, who was said to be the
proudest; the Knight received him, while he was dressing his Feet and
picking his Toes, being at that Time troubled with a _Diabetis_, and
upon the Doctor's entering the Room, accosted him in this Manner, _So
Quack_, said he, _I'm a dead Man, for I piss sweet_; _Do ye_, replied
the Doctor, _then prithee piss upon your Toes, for they stink
damnably_: And so turning round on his Heel went out of the Room.
227. A certain worthy Gentleman having among his Friends the Nickname
of _Bos_, which was a Kind of Contraction of his real Name, when his
late Majesty conferred the Honour of Peerage upon him, a Pamphlet was
soon after published with many sarcastical Jokes upon him, and had this
Part of a Line from _Horace_ as a Motto, _viz._
----_Optat Ephippia Bos_----
My Lord asked a Friend, who could read _Latin_, what that meant? It is
as much as to say, my Lord, said he, that you become _Honours as a Sow
does a Saddle_. O! very fine, said my Lord: Soon after another Friend
coming to see him, the Pamphlet was again spoken of, I would, said my
Lord, give five hundred Pounds to know the Author of it. I don't know
the Author of the Pamphlet, said his Friend, but I know who wrote the
Motto; Ay, cry'd my Lord, _prithee who was it? Horace_, answered the
other: _How_, replied his Lordship, _a dirty Dog, that his Return for
all the Favours I have done him and his Brother_.
228. A wild Gentleman having pick'd up his own Wife for a Mistress, the
Man, to keep his Master in Countenance, got to Bed to the Maid too. In
the Morning, when the Thing was discovered, the Fellow was obliged, in
Attonement for his Offence, to make the Girl amends by marrying her;
_Well_, says he, _little did my Master and I think last Night, that we
were robbing our own Orchards_.
229. One seeing a kept Whore, who made a very great Figure, ask'd, what
Estate she had? _Oh_, says another, _a very good Estate in_ Tail.
230. In the great Dispute between _South_ and _Sherlock_, the former,
who was a great Courtier, said, His Adversary reasoned well, but he
Bark'd like a Cur: To which the other reply'd, That Fawning was the
Property of a Cur, as well as Barking.
231. Second Thoughts, we commonly say, are best; and young Women who
pretend to be averse to Marriage, desire not to be taken at their
Words. One asking a Girl, _if she would have him?_ _Faith, no_, John,
says she, _but you may have me if you will_.
232. A Gentleman lying on his Death-Bed, called to his Coachman, who
had been an old Servant, and said, _Ah!_ Tom, _I'm going a long rugged
Journey, worse than ever you drove me? Oh, dear Sir_, reply'd the
Fellow (he having been but an indifferent Master to him), _ne'er let
that discourage you, for it is all down Hill_.
233. An honest bluff Country Farmer, meeting the Parson of the Parish
in a By-Lane, and not giving him the Way so readily as he expected, the
Parson, with an erected Crest, told him, _He was better fed than
taught: Very likely indeed Sir_, reply'd the Farmer: _For you teach me
and I feed myself_.
234. A famous Teacher of _Arithmetick_, who had long been married
without being able to get his Wife with Child: One said to her, Madam,
your Husband is an excellent _Arithmetician_. Yes, replies she, only he
can't _multiply_.
235. One making a furious Assault upon a hot Apple-pye, burnt his Mouth
'till the Tears ran down; his Friend asked him, _Why he wept?_ _Only_,
says he, _'tis just come into my Mind, that my Grand-mother dy'd this
Day twelvemonth_: _Phoo!_ says the other, _is that all?_ So whipping a
large Piece into his Mouth, he quickly sympathiz'd with his Companion;
who seeing his Eyes brim full, with a malicious Sneer ask'd him, _why
he wept?_ _A Pox on you_, says he, _because you were not hanged the
same Day your Grand-mother dy'd_.
236. A Lady who had married a Gentleman that was a tolerable Poet, one
Day sitting alone with him, she said, Come, my Dear, you write upon
other People, prithee write something for me; let me see what Epitaph
you'll bestow upon me when I die: Oh, my Dear, reply'd he, that's a
melancholy Subject, prithee don't think of it: Nay, upon my Life you
shall, adds she,----Come, I'll begin,
----_Here lies_ Bidd:
To which he answer'd, _Ah! I wish she did_.
237. A Cowardly Servant having been hunting with his Lord, they had
kill'd a wild Boar; the Fellow seeing the Boar stir, betook himself to
a Tree; upon which his Master call'd to him, and asked him, _what he
was afraid of the Boar's Gut's were out?_ _No matter for that_, says
he, _his Teeth are in_.
238. One telling another that he had once so excellent a Gun that it
went off immediately upon a Thief's coming into the House, altho' it
wasn't charged: _How the Devil can that be?_ said t'other: _Because_,
said the First, _the Thief_ carry'd _it off, and what was worse, before
I had Time to_ charge _him with it_.
239. Some Gentlemen coming out of a Tavern pretty merry, a Link-Boy
cry'd, _Have a Light, Gentlemen?_ _Light yourself to the Devil, you
Dog_, says one of the Company: _Bless you, Master_, reply'd the Boy,
_we can find the Way in the Dark; shall we light your Worship thither_.
240. A Person was once try'd at _Kingston_ before the late Lord Chief
Justice _Holt_, for having two Wives, where one _Unit_ was to have been
the chief Evidence against him: After much calling for him, Word was
brought that they could hear nothing of him. _No_, says his Lordship,
_why then, all I can say, is, Mr._ Unit _stands for a_ Cypher.
241. 'Tis certainly the most transcendent Pleasure to be agreeably
surpriz'd with the Confession of Love, from an ador'd Mistress. A young
Gentleman, after a very great Misfortune came to his Mistress, and told
her, He was reduc'd even to the want of five Guineas: To which she
replied, _I am glad of it with all my Heart_: Are you so, Madam, adds
he, suspecting her Constancy: Pray, why so? _Because_, says she, _I can
furnish you with five Thousand_.
242. On a Publick Night of Rejoicing, when Bonefires and Illuminations
were made, some honest Fellows were drinking the King's Health and
Prosperity to _England, as long as the Sun and Moon endured_: Ay, says
one, and 500 Years after, _for I have put both my Sons Apprentices to a
Tallow-Chandler_.
243. A young Fellow who had made an End of all he had, even to his last
Suit of Cloathes; one said to him, Now I hope, you'll own yourself a
happy Man, for you have made an End of all your Cares: How so, said the
Gentleman; _Because_, said the other, _you've nothing left to take care
of_.
244. Some years ago, when his Majesty used to hunt frequently in
_Richmond-Park_, it brought such Crowds of People thither, that Orders
were given to admit none, when the King was there himself, but the
Servants of the Household. A fat Country Parson having, on one of these
Days a strong Inclination to make one of the Company, Captain _B-d-ns_,
promised to introduce him, but coming to the Gate, the Keepers would
have stopp'd him, by telling him, none but the Houshold were to be
admitted: Why, d--mn you, said the Captain, don't you know the
Gentleman? _He's his Majesty's Hunting-Chaplain_: Upon which the
Keepers asked Pardon, and left the reverend Gentleman to Recreation.
245. The learned Mr. _Charles Barnard_, Serjeant Surgeon to Queen
_Anne_, being very severe upon _Parsons_ having _Pluralities_. A
reverend and worthy Divine heard him a good while with Patience, but at
length took him up with this Question, _Why do you Mr. Serjeant_
Barnard _rail thus at_ Pluralities, _who have always so many_
Sine-Cures _upon your own Hands_?
246. Dr. _Lloyd_, Bishop of _Worcester_, so eminent for his
_Prophesies_, when by his Sollicitations and Compliance at Court, he
got removed from a poor _Welch_ Bishoprick to a rich _English_ one. A
reverend Dean of the Church said, _That he found his Brother_ Lloyd
_spelt Prophet with an_ F[2].
[2] Most of the Clergy follow this Spelling.
247. A worthy old Gentleman in the Country, having employ'd an
Attorney, of whom he had a pretty good Opinion, to do some Law Business
for him in _London_, he was greatly surprized on his coming to Town,
and demanding his Bill of Law Charges, to find that it amounted to at
least three Times the Sum he expected; the honest Attorney assured
him, that there was no Article in his Bill, but what was _fair and
reasonable_: Nay, said the Country Gentleman, here is one of them I am
sure cannot be so, for you have set down three Shillings and four Pence
for going to _Southwark_, when none of my Business lay that Way; pray
what is the Meaning of that Sir; _Oh! Sir_, said he, _that was for
fetching the_ Chine _and_ Turkey _from the Carriers, that you sent me
for a_ Present, _out of the Country_.
_FINIS._
*** End of this Doctrine Publishing Corporation Digital Book "Joe Miller's Jests, or The Wits Vade-Mecum" ***
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