These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court,... word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?WITNESS: My name is Susan!_______________________________ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?WITNESS: No, I just lie there.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?WITNESS: July 18th.ATTORNEY: What year?WITNESS: Every year._____________________________________ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?WITNESS: Forty-five years._________________________________ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?WITNESS: I forget..ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?WITNESS: Are you shitting me?_________________________________________ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?WITNESS: Getting laid____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: How many were boys?WITNESS: None.ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?____________________________________________ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?WITNESS: By death..ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?WITNESS: Take a guess.___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beardATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male._____________________________________ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.______________________________________ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight._________________________________________ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?WITNESS: Oral..._________________________________________ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PMATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?WITNESS: No..ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

Well, this is not a pretty story.... about 200 dead crows near Hanna, and there wasconcern for Avian Flu. They had a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of all thecrows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone'srelief.However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impactwith trucks, and only 2% were killed by a car.

A little girl is in the bath with her little boy cousin."What's that?", she asks."That's my willee!""Oh, yes, my Daddy's got two of those.""Your Daddy's got two willees?"Yes - he's got a little floppy one like yours for doing wee-wee, and a great big long stiff one for cleaning the au-pair's teeth."

Snow White and the seven dwarves were all in bed, and they were all feeling happy. Happy got out of bed, so they all felt grumpy instead.

-------------------------------

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.

"I don't mean to sound bitter, cynical and cruel; but I am, so that's how it comes out." Bill Hicks."One should not believe everything one reads on the internet." Abraham Lincoln"Are you OK?" daftbeaker (<-- very good question, people should ask it more often.)

GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

St. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it... sometimes twice a week!

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: 'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis. .

AFTERGLOW wrote:A wife comes home from a doctors appointment and told her husband that her gynecologist said she can't have sex for two weeks; and to that the husband asks: what did your dentist say???

Wife comes home from the doctor's and is very flustered, very uptight. Husband asks "What's wrong?" Wife says "I went to the doctor. He examined me and he said I had a nice va-jay-jay!""WHAT?" says the husband, and charges off to the doctor's. He bursts into the doctor's office, grabs him by the throat and forces him up against the wall. "WHAT DID YOU SAY TO MY WIFE?" he shouts."I gave her a diagnosis. I know she's not happy about it, but it's an accurate diagnosis. What's the problem?""YOU SAID SHE HAD A NICE VA-JAY-JAY!""No, I said she had Acute Angina".

"I don't mean to sound bitter, cynical and cruel; but I am, so that's how it comes out." Bill Hicks."One should not believe everything one reads on the internet." Abraham Lincoln"Are you OK?" daftbeaker (<-- very good question, people should ask it more often.)

Einstein, Newton and Pascal were hanging out together one afternoon. Einstein was bored so he suggested that they play hide and seek. The others agree so he says, "I'll be it," closes his eyes and starts counting to 100.Pascal runs off to find a place to hide.Newton walks calmly to the middle of the room, takes a tape measure and a piece of chalk from his pocket and draws a carefully measured square on the floor. He finishes and steps into the square just as Einstein reaches 100 and shouts, "Ready or not, here I come!"Einstein opens his eyes and immediately sees Newton. "Found you, Newton!" he shouts.Newton replies, "No. You've found one newton per square meter - you have found Pascal."

DavidH wrote:Einstein, Newton and Pascal were hanging out together one afternoon. Einstein was bored so he suggested that they play hide and seek. The others agree so he says, "I'll be it," closes his eyes and starts counting to 100.Pascal runs off to find a place to hide.Newton walks calmly to the middle of the room, takes a tape measure and a piece of chalk from his pocket and draws a carefully measured square on the floor. He finishes and steps into the square just as Einstein reaches 100 and shouts, "Ready or not, here I come!"Einstein opens his eyes and immediately sees Newton. "Found you, Newton!" he shouts.Newton replies, "No. You've found one newton per square meter - you have found Pascal."

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jean Claude Van Damme and Sylvester Stallone are discussing making a film about composers. Van Damme wants to be Handel and Stallone chooses Mozart. Schwarzenegger looks at them and says 'I'll be Bach'.

Too old to give up but too young to rest - Pete Townshend

I would rather be a rising ape than a falling angel - Sir Terry Pratchett