Friday, August 14, 2009

Sex and the Single Fatty

Ok it's not really about sex, not yet anyway. But stick with me here. I'm going to talk about dating as a fat woman tonight.

You may know already, but I am a single fat woman over 35. I know, I know, I'm on the shelf. Or so a 42 year old man who lived with his mother told me on a dating site once. I told him to go fuck himself, I'm on a pedestal, not a shelf.

Anyway, I've had an ongoing conversation with my friend Shane about dating and people's prejudices. Shane is Asian and while a married man these days, he has told me that he had some really bad experiences with white women being very prejudiced against Asian men. Which I am sure happens often, but I've thought a bit about it and I'm not sure it's about the women being white so much as being shallow.

However, I have to say, as a fat woman, I am more than happy to date an Asian man, but I'm not sure there are many Asian men who are happy to date fat women. See what I mean about shallowness? It's not about me being white that is the problem, it's about not meeting some kind of shallow aesthetic.

That double standard seems all over the place. I also know a bloke who claims he never gets any dates because he's short. Yet he won't date a fat woman. And I know LOTS of fat men who won't date fat women!

Personally, I find tall, short, thin, fat, dark, fair, blue eyes, brown eyes, green eyes, grey eyes, long hair, no hair, and so on attractive in the right man. Most of the famous men I develop crushes on have something a bit odd about them, that other women go "Oh but ewww, he's got..." William McInnes has a huge nose. Zachary Quinto has mega eyebrows (and is really hairy all over). Chris Garver is skinny and all arms and legs. Jamie Hyneman has that big moustache and is as bald as an egg. Craig Ferguson also has a big nose and a pasty white body. But all of them are sexy men simply because they are who they are, funny, smart, talented, kind, honest etc.

In my relationship history, I went out with a man who was considered REALLY handsome by a lot my friends. I got lots of comments about how good looking he was, and I used to notice other women throwing themselves at him when we were out. But he turned out to be a MASSIVE douchebag who was more interested in himself than he was a relationship with anyone normal.

But that said, I am a single woman who is on the market and I don't believe that being fat excludes me from the dating world. For all the shallow douchebags out there that think they're going to land themselves a Lara Bingle despite being a Jack Black, a Nick Frost or Dwayne Dibley themselves, there are lovely guys out there who see a woman for who she really is, not what size her clothing is or what the number is on a scale.

However dating for the fat lady is a tough world. Because the old self esteem gets an extra heavy duty workout, with so many people out there to put you down, make disparaging or patronising comments, or generally just insult you. It's hard work to keep the self esteem good and strong in the face of that kind of treatment.

You'd think that if a guy likes you enough to ask you out, he'd not be one to make disparaging comments about your body right? Not quite so true. I recently had a guy ask me out, and then in the next breath said "I have no problem dating fat women, you know?"

Oh really Captain Tactful? Well I have a problem dating patronising men. Buh-bye!

I am determined not to let the douchebags and losers out there keep me from dating, because I do know there are great guys out there, and I believe there's a great guy out there for me who will value me for the smart, funny, kind, sassy, beautiful woman I am.

Once again Kath a thought provoking post on relevant issues. I can identify with you on many points and can appreciate how it makes you feel, yes I am not fat, but have had MAJOR self esteem & trust issues over various failings of my person that have been mostly worked through but was in my 30's before I started 'dating' and still tend to keep people at arms lengthKeep 'em coming

I couldn't have said it better myself. Since leaving a very toxic relationship in 2005, I have worked very hard to build myself back up mentally to the point where I am enjoying being single once again!

I am every man's best friend. I start going out with someone and we become great friends and then the curve ball get's thrown "You're my BEST *GAG* FRIEND! I can talk to you about anything!" This is the point where I tell them to take a hike after I say "Well shouldn't your partner be your best friend?" when the answer is "But I can't DATE you!" Ninety percent of my friends are guys. I don't deal well with catty bullsh@t

I am fat. I am dating. Hell, I'm dating more now than I did in my 20's! There's Chris and Chuck and Jason and Kevin and the 23 year old hockey player that pounced at the chance to ask me for my phone number after we got into a conversation that led him to the revelation I wasn't a lesbian! Oy Vey!

They are all sweet, kind and caring... omg! Who should I choose? Um... why should I have to?

And for those people like the snotbag on MySpace that told me "You're a BBW, you have to put out to get out" - FUCK YOU.

Sorry for the language... I love you, Kath, in that sisterly, platonic, non-sexual way. :-)

I keep trying to wind up my courage for dating ... in addition to being fat, I've only ever had one verrrrry long relationship, so there's baggage there too. I have a profile on a site, and every once in a while I log on to it, but I don't know what to say to the guys whose profiles I like. And the only messages I get seem to be from men in other states!

Lilabris - I know what a hard thing it is to do but you're starting young which is a very good thing! A lot of us don't get the message until we're a lot older, and waste so many years with self loathing and bad self esteem.

Nor - Welcome to my blog! Good to see you popping up here too, and right back atcha! I too suffer the "Every man's buddy" syndrome. "Oh you're so funny Kath, I love hanging around with you! You're my best friend, I can talk to you about anything." But when it comes to fuckability (see, no problem with swearing here) - brains, humour, heart are no match for a perky body, no matter how stupid the woman that inhabits it for these guys.

Purplegirl - I have a lot of scar tissue around relationships myself, but I'm working VERY hard at not letting it form walls around me. It's bloody hard work though!

Kath I believe there is a woman out there for me in the same way you believe there is man out there for you.

Only since getting involved in the HAES/FA community have I been able to believe that there could be a woman out there that would want to date a guy as big as I am.

Guys seem to be more hateful towards fat women than the other way around. That being said the media if full of comments like, "He's great on paper, but he's fat." or a woman on OPRAH saying she'd never fall in love with a Fat Guy.

I used to laser focus in on every female comment on television, news, from friends, etc that spewed bias against FAT men like me. I was doing a number on my own self simply by focusing on stuff that doesn't support me.

I am beginning to see that I am a catch and I don't have to pay as much attention to the cultural stuff that gets in the way of me seeing this truth. I appreciate your moxie and straight forward postings like this.

Ivan, I totally agree. Shallowness is present on both sides of the deal when it comes to physical appearances, but you're right, we need to let go of listening to it all and focus on the good folk out there.

I could tolerate "I like big women" better than "I'm fine with dating fat women" to be honest. I don't mind someone saying they find me attractive as a fat woman, but the implication that he would be slumming it to be with me, but that's ok, he doesn't mind slumming it, just makes me go "EWWWWWW! JERK!"

Yeah I am only 26, and not that fat...I look good, you know, despite being 50 lbs "overweight". But I can't find anyone even remotely interested in me, so I haven't dated in over a year. It totally blows. Men are such douchebags. ~Ruth

I have to disagree with you there Ruth. I don't believe men are douchebags at all.

Some men are. So are some women. But generally speaking people are good and there are lots of men out there who are lovely. I know stacks of them. A lot of them have been snapped up already by other lucky women. Some are gay. The others just haven't come into my life yet.

If you believe you can't find anyone, then it will be impossible for you to find someone. Believe you can, and WILL, and you'll be surprised at the difference.

I must say, I feel absolutely BLESSED to have the husband that I do. I met him when I was having one of the rare thin moments of my life - after starving myself to death for awhile. This moment lasted a couple of months. But, it was during this time that I met my husband. I was 140 at the time and a size 10. I have gone up and down and up and down many times and am currently over 300 pounds. This man has NEVER said one unkind word to me about my weight. He is not embarassed in public with me and always makes sure that I am comfortable. I tell you all this to let you know that it can happen! Don't get me wrong - I've had plenty of duds. My favorite line was...."I like to date a fat chick because she'll never cheat on you!" Needless to say, that was the end of that. You go girls (and guys)!

Contributors

Disclaimer

Hello my lovely readers.

I want to clarify something. I am not in this fatty blogging game for some kind of fatosphere political statement, to campaign for action or argue semantics.

I am here to create a positive, empowering place for fatties and friends/family of fatties. I don't give a shit if something is not good fat politics. If it helps one fat heffalump like me hold his or her head high, walk with confidence and self esteem, to no longer feel alone and to get past the pain and self loathing, then that's what I'm here for.

The opinions expressed on this blog are mine, and not of any organisation, movement, business or collective. If you disagree, that's fine, I don't need the world to agree with me. But if you don't like what I have to say, I nor anyone else is holding a gun to your head forcing you to read this.