Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Just when you think nobody can improve the bicycle, someone proves you right.

I haven't been watching the TV coverage, so I have no idea if Phil Liggett has used any cringeworthy terms to describe his ethnicity yet.

Well, it came down to the wire, but in the end he didn't disappoint:

@bikesnobnyc You called it. During the Paris circuit, Phil referred to Ji Cheng as a "Chinaman." I'm not making that up.
— Bob Cesca (@bobcesca_go) July 28, 2014

Oy.

Moreover, after this, Liggett enthused at great length over Queen Victoria's upcoming Diamond Jubilee, to which he had just received an invitation. Here he is getting ready for the affair with his date, Mary of Teck:

Liggett must now complete cultural sensitivity training in the off-season, so you can expect him to use the more acceptable "Chinaperson" in Tour de France 2015.

Secondly, remember how the Oregon Manifest was doing this thing where they were inviting gentrification all-star teams from the five most gentrified cities in America to create the "ultimate utility bike?"

Well, let's pretend for the moment that the ultimate urban utility bike doesn't already exist, and that you can't easily buy it from at least 15 different companies. I realize this is hard to do, because everyone from Bikes Direct to WorkCycles are ready and waiting to sell you a city bike, and all you've got to figure out how much you want to spend. Really, in 2014, it's about as difficult to find the "ultimate utility bike" as it is to find a Subway franchise.

Let's also pretend that "ultimate urban utility bike" is even an objective thing, because all cities are the same, and furthermore all the people in those cities are the same and lead exactly the same lifestyle. You know, this lifestyle:

So is that Chicago? Portland? San Francisco? Chicago? New York? Well, no matter which city you picked, you were correct, thanks to the insidious global monoculture!

(Except for the warzones and the really, really poor ones, but those cities don't count.)

Okay, so now you've got the proper context for this contest: it's a parallel universe in which everyone wears plaid shirts and expensive denim while drinking hand-roasted coffee, yet somehow practical bikes don't exist. Fine. Well, it's in this imaginary vacuum that these five bikes were born:

Not what you were expecting, was it? You probably expected more fenders, and perhaps also a few more upright, swept-back handlebars. HA! Wrong!

Welcome to Designtown, baby.

At this point I've only watched the video for the New York City bike, which does answer a pressing question, namely:

So what happens when you take a framebuilder who makes some pretty nice bicycles and team him up with a pack of design douches?

Uh, no it isn't. Sure, it's got the Vanmoof's trademark uncircumcised baguette frame, but the Merge also takes its cues from Inspector Gadget, which is why it has numerous tricks up its top tube. For example, it has this crappy ineffectual retractable fender:

At least I assume it's a fender, though perhaps it's some sort of measuring tape to keep track of tire wear, or else some kind of lizard phallus.

In addition to the doofy filth prophylactic, there's also an ineffectual retractable lock:

("Snip!")

As well as a retractable USB charger:

I'm not sure why this is necessary, inasmuch as anyone who would ride a bike like this lives, works, and drinks within two or maybe three Brooklyn ZIP codes, which means they're never on the bike for more than 20 minutes at a time. But hey, I guess USB chargers are the pump pegs of the 21st century.

Really, they should have skipped all the retractable crap and just turned that ridiculous top tube into an avocado cannon.

Or, here's another crazy idea: Why not just make a bike where the fenders and rack are there on the outside all the time? Under what circumstances do you really need to hide any of these things? Even in New York City nobody's stealing fenders and racks. Plus, name one thing retractable that hasn't worn out or broken on you eventually. (Fine, my vacuum cleaner power cable still retracts, but that's about it.) Even the automotive industry has realized retractability is stupid, which is why you no longer see power antennas and pop-up headlights--though presumably everyone involved in the production of this bike is too young to have seen all those Fieros with only one open headlight pathetically winking at everybody back in the '80s.

And if nothing else, why introduce more opportunity for noise? I really hope there's a long-term test to see if all that stuff starts rattling in there, and if so here is my pledge:

If, after one year, this bike does not sound like a subway panhandler shaking his change cup, then I promise I will finally take it seriously.

REQX Ventures, an affiliate of real-estate giant Related Cos., is close to hammering out an agreement that could enlarge the footprint of Citi Bike to upper Manhattan, into Queens and further into Brooklyn over the next few years, these people said. The number of bikes would nearly double, from 6,200 to about 12,000.

Real estate giant? I'm not sure what to think. On one hand, as a member of the Citi Bike Cat 6 Racing Team, I'm glad to see the system may finally expand and improve. On the other, once the entire city is covered in these blue dots the hyper-gentrification of New York City will be complete and we'll all be moving to Philadelphia:

(Gentrification pox.)

This is especially bad news for the people of Philadelphia, who will then be forced to move to Camden, NJ:

The Philadelphians will go willingly too, because anything's better than sharing a city with a bunch of assholes from Brooklyn.

Lastly, a reader informs me that serial groper Mario Cipollini was recently spotted in Paris, where he was two-fisting man-boobs:

Retirement has done little to dull Cipollini's prodigious libido, and in fact there's evidence on his website that he may have undergone enhancement surgery on "Li'l Mario:"

Don't be dense. It's language, not mathematics. Different words acquire different connotations, despite having the same suffix as other words. You have to be pretty out of it to call someone a Chinaman on TV (or anywhere) in 2014.

More to the point than having retractable lizard penii, all of the rack systems on all of those bikes look flimsy! So eventually their retractable lizard dicks will get all placid and wonky. The Portland vid is hilarious..they got a girl with some sort of accent to cover up the shittiness of their ugly bike.

That pic of Phil & Paul is old. Don't remember when I first saw that but a long time ago. I was aghast then as now. But I frankly don't have a problem with chinaman. but youse call me an irishman, there'll be some hard potatoes coming your way, aimed at your head

Zounds! I had expected the "ultimate city bike" clusterfuck to produce some silly gimmick-laden douche chariots, but those hipsters have really outdone themselves. They even make a Budnitz look sort of sensible.

And I look forward to charging my electric pump with them when I get one of those bikes, which ain't happening. You're right, they're basically reinventing the CitiBike for many times the cost. Wonder why no one came up with an inflatable bike -- when you get to work you just deflate it and stuff it in its sack. Theftproof!

Ladies and Gentlemen:For my next death defying trick I will be attending the...........(drum roll here)Iowa State Fair in August!I know!I am in training now, taking 5000mg of statins and hand fulls of aspirin. I bruise so easily from the blood thinners that folks think I have Ebola.I will attempt the Widow Maker, a fried Oreo, fried cheese and a corn dog while listening to Lady Antebellum. The East River tried to kill me but it's no match for a Midwestern Fair. Considering riding the bike to Des Moines in two and a half days to get the vessels squeaky clean before attempting fried death on a stick.

These urban bikes are all the same: trying to get people out of their German douche canoes and onto a douchey bike that costs 6 grand or more. Then they pile all the Bluetoof accessories, like GPS nav..really? When is the last time anyone needed GPS nav to ride around their home town?Or my favorite, the Solid, which has an iFone app that addresses the tedious bike maintenance issues of chekcing to see if all the Bluetoof crap works, or if a light is burnt out, because we need a fucking app to tell us if a light is burnt out. I thought apps were just for fart noises.

Forward to reality: the ultimate urban bike is already on sale, a Walmart and not more than $149.98.

Secondly, and besides, also, how dare you make fun of Fiero headlights.

And now, if you'll pardon me, I have to go outside and work on the headlights of my Lamborghini Miura. The "eyelashes" of one of the headlights needs a bit more mascara. People keep thinking the car is winking at them, but I know better.

Chinaman isn't racist - just unfashionable. Just like Oriental. After all, Chinese are from China, which is in the Orient. It's not like "moron" and "idiot," which started out just like Chinaman, i.e. once upon a time they were literally, the word for that. The only reason idiot & moron became insults/slurs is because of everyone metaphorically comparing each other to idiots. But the thing is, people are always gonna want to call out stupid people, so the name for "retarded" or whatnot has to change every few years to keep one step ahead of people trying to use it to fuck with each other. Pretty sure "retarded" isn't the right word anymore either, and I don't even know the current term, but whoever decides these things should pick something so boring and bureaucratic/totalitarian-sounding that nobody even wants to use it as a slur - like "differently abled" - that was a good one. Whereas nobody is looking to call their non-Chinese friends Chinese, or call attention to Chinese people. "You're such a fucking Chinaman!" said no one ever. But if someone wanted to safeguard against it anyway, perhaps "the Easternly High-Longitudinal," or the "Occidentally-Challenged."

I do not personally give a shit; I use "Asian" if I have to describe someone physically, otherwise you don't really need to say shit.

I mean if the mechanism broke. On most cars, the light would be shining inside the engine compartment. On the 928, if the mechanism broke but the lights came on they would light up almost vertically like some spotlight.

Had one popup myself. An '86 200sx. Was kind of funny with one permanently up and and other working after a deer decided to roll around the front hood.

It's got to be more than safety. Must be style. There were numerous 'merican cars with 'hide-a-way' headlights that did not pop up. They had covers that retracted to reveal the stationary light. Mostly larger models I think like the continental

Speaking for Philadelphia (used to live there), we don't want you. Property values would tank. An urban paradise would become an urban wasteland. There would be riots in the streets. You would ruin our cultural heritage in about a day.

I heard that little slip by Phil on the TdF my wife and I looked at each other and were like WTF. I don't think there was any racist intent but that Liggett is a little behind the times, which he later confirmed when he referred to Kevin Reza as "that colored fella".

I had a Pontiac Sunbird that had sort-of half-covers over the stationary lights. If you pushed the headlight button on "just so" the light would come on w/o the cover raising, resulting in a very cool looking car to a 17 year old.

1904:Thinking of going over the third weekend of August. You're welcome to join me. You may need to wear a helment and body armor in case you get caught between some obese Midwesterners on line. Or in line. Whichever.

I took a look at the urban bike entries, and I cannot say I was tempted to vote for any of them. None. Whatta bunch of crap. 3D printed?? It's like the paragraphs they ubmitted had to include some keywords to be even considered. I think Fuji will be fucked if they try to produce this shit.

I would love to see these teams come up with, I dunno, a contest to re-design chopsticks.

i believe if, collectively as a continent of over-eaters, the only place we consumed bacon was on donuts (perhaps semi-annually) then perhaps our calves would resemble babbles and not robba the ford's.

Have to say I also had no idea that there was any problem with Chinaman or that it had "connotations" beyond a man from China or a left handed wrist spinner. Wikipedia describes the term as 'contentious' but doesn't say what the bone of contention is so I'm not yet sure why - I shall ask in Chinat...that is to say, the part of town where there is a high density of people of Chinese origin.

those bikes would make Tullio Campagnolo tear his eyes out so he wouldn't have to look at them. No upright bars, indeed. The designerati have lost touch with how bicycles work......Custom bikes have officially jumped the shark with that pile. what's up for next years' event, eastcoast zoobombers?

My late dad's old black Rudge Sports was far from the ultimate urban bicycle, but he thought it was and regarded my series of "10-speeds" as faddish and ill suited to any serious use. I wonder what silly appendages could have been added to "ultimize" his machine for urban riders of his era. Brazed-on pegs for a shoe brush? A rest for one's alpine or fedora on hot days?

wait a minute. I thought Chucky was from further south. besides no one would have ever heard of him if not for the irish. Oh, and that John Wayne filmed Rooster Cogburn (oops I mean The Quiet Man) there.

It is Queen Elizabeth now. Victoria died a century or so ago. I mean, QE2 might be dead too, but nobody has noticed yet.And have you ever seen the British royal family in action? Phil Ligget really won't need any cultural sensitivity training. He'll be welcomed like a long lost son.

it was O'Spokeyman when grandpapsman came over on the tater boat. But those bastards at Ellis Island changed it to just spokey. I've still got a $10,000,000 reparations lawsuit going against the feds. If I win, I'll even buy bacon donuts for all.

JB. I had a Porsche 914 for a while. Loved that car but Porsche doesn't even claim it. Sometimes when you turned on the headlights, the left one would just keep going up, down, up, down. I'd have to get out and physically stop it. Then there was the time the top flew off. I bet that thing reached 20 feet!

Flyover - yes. Words ARE important. Name something and you define it, though how you name it says as much about you as the object you are defining.That's why we love snobbums. He is a master of words we identify with, and his words bring joy. Laughter heals.This place rocks. :)

Mr Cadardi - OMG you too? My whole family is rotund, though dad and bro are fitfat. Mum never ever sweats and is a little dumpling, bless her heart.

DB - re: the motherland +++ EGGZACTLY. Hence I <3 bacon. Mmmm bacon.

Specially the bacon torpedo. I can do with a little porkie pie like dat girl Joss Stone says, "at least two times a day!"

ken e- Lol! The bacon is in the donut batter, and there's a bit of maple thrown in there for good measure. OMG soooo good. But the specialty shop that sells them moved and it has been nearly eight months since I had one! Drool. :) And thank you.

Yep, me too. But my relatives went the fatfat route. The rents never understood when I would head out for a multi-hour bike ride. But at least there were frequently cookies when I got back! Mmmmmm cookies!

"Just when you think nobody can improve the bicycle, someone proves you right."

Yep, pretty much nailed it, although I really don't want to give up the clipless pedals, integrated levers and indexed shifting. I bet it's not a bunch of designers that come up with the next thing that makes my cycling life better.

I am reminded of a time when I was about 4 or 5 years old and I would sit on the front fence with the Russian brothers Sacha and George who lived a couple doors down and we would all point and sing: "Chinga-linga fish-finger naa-na-na na-na-naaah" as the Asian kid would ride past on his bike.

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!