Earlier this month, a group of local politicians voted to expend a significant amount of public funds to save my million-dollar home, which as I write remains neatly perched on a bluff overlooking the Pacific Ocean and will likely not, thanks to their efforts, slide into the same.

On Tuesday they will authorize sending a letter of appreciation to the lead agency involved in shoring up the bluff, and it occurred to me that I had not yet thanked the politicians themselves for rushing to assist my neighbors and me in our hour of need.

I should note, however, that these same politicians—rural county supervisors, all of them, really the worst kind of petty bureaucrats—are refusing to support my vision on a variety of other important matters.

In fact, despite my clear opposition, they have proposed making a major highway navigable, and have done nothing to halt improvements that would reduce the number of persons who die on another section of the same road.

As if this weren’t enough, they have on an ongoing basis provided for the filling of potholes in this and other roads, an activity which surely hastens the end of time.

So I write to you in need of a particular kind of thank-you note, one that strikes just the right balance between gratitude and contempt.

The note should reflect my propensity for misrepresentation of basic facts and my own peculiar brand of pseudo-scientific bullshit. It should be divisive, uninformed, apocalyptic and—if I don’t stop myself in time—just plain laugh-out-loud moronic.

Your advice would be greatly appreciated, although not nearly enough for me to thank or even acknowledge you, and in fact I will probably behave like a petulant buffoon toward you forever, no matter how much of my expensive real estate you save or sound advice you provide.

You are hereby on notice that it is against the law to be stealing Mr. Miller’s personal and private email. I assure you that Mr. Miller will do everything in his power to track you down and make you pay. In fact, Mr. Miller has already prepared a 14 pg. PowerPoint presentation about this matter. Media inquiries are welcomed.

HEY YOU LAZY ASSED BUG! GET OFF YOUR ARSE AND POKE THE DAMN GRAPHICS DEPARTMENT TO GET OFF THEIR ARSES. WE WANT SOME MORE FUNNY MATERIAL! The crap you see over at Heraldo is enough to make you slit your wrists.