This is where I blog about life, love and grief. I have three children, one who watches over me from the skies, and two who have brought much joy to my life after a very dark time. I write about everything from birth to cooking to babies to grief to Jesus.

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Welcome to my little corner of the world. I'm a stay at home mama to three babies: Bennett and Ainsleigh live with us, and Charlotte lives with Jesus. This is where I write about my life and loves. For more information click on my picture or the 'about me' tab. Or contact me at littlebird0514@gmail.com.

Pregnancy After Loss

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Sunday, July 18, 2010

New things and some fretting

What do you think of my new look? The husband did it for me. Much love to him. He is still working on it, but I like it so far.

We finally got our stove today!

It took us a long time to find one for a good price. It needs a bit of cleaning, but it will be worth it. And of course it will be in the fireplace instead of sitting on the hearth. This stove was supposed to keep me and Charlotte warm through the long, rainy Oregon winter. I am excited to have it, but so sad because I imagined toasty days at home with my baby girl. This Christmas we were going to have a roaring fire, hot chocolate, a baby, and much love. Now that Charlotte is gone Christmas has been cancelled. I don't know where I will be for Christmas, but there is no way I am sticking around.

On Wednesday I am starting an Aquafit class with a friend. She is kind and doesn't mind the odd brand of crazy I bring with me these days. I contacted her to ask if we could work out together one day a week. Maybe we could go swimming at the Y since we both have family memberships. She e-mailed me with the details for the Aquafit class and said she could pick me up. I love this friend. I toss out an idea and she comes back with a plan. The only thing I had to decide is whether we would go Wednesday or Friday morning.

We agreed to go Wednesday, we set everything up, and then I panicked a bit. I didn't like trying new things before Charlotte died. Now it's pretty much a foregone conclusion that if you want me to try something new it's not going to happen. I sent her an e-mail asking if I had to get my head wet, because I really don't like getting my head wet, and maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all, hmmm? She calmly replied that since it was a fitness class in a pool my head would probably get wet. Then she promised if I didn't like it we could try something else. I apologized for being whiny and we agreed she would pick me up at 8:30.

I'm scared and nervous so I am fretting about my bathing suit now. I can get it over my hips, but it's a tight squeeze. It doesn't fit nearly as well as it did before my pregnancy. I pondered buying a new suit, but that would require way more energy and fortitude than I have right now. I'm going to stuff myself into the suit, wear a pair of board shorts over that, and hope for the best. It's Aquafit at 9:00 on a Wednesday morning at the Y. Surely no one will be looking their best.

Dr. B said I have to exercise 6 days a week so I am going to do this. I am going to pull myself together, gather my courage, and go. The friend I'm attending the class with also happens to be my movie buddy. If we don't like the class we can pop over to the movie theater for a good show, popcorn and soda. Although I do believe the popcorn and soda would defeat the purpose of Aquafit. Ugh. I can't believe I'm actually going to take a class called Aquafit. I best find a swim cap so I can fit in with the senior citizens who will make up the majority of the class.

I'm going to fret about this a lot. If you grow tired of my whining please skim until you get to a part where I'm not moaning about Aquafit.

This morning Jonathan and I were chatting about the new exercise, diet, health plan. We were in the kitchen, dishing out oatmeal for breakfast, and I said, You know, maybe the good thing that comes out of Charlotte's death is me being in shape and healthy for the first time in years (like 8, or maybe even 10. Yes, I am young, but I am not healthy)."Yes," he said, "but we would give it all up to have her back.""Oh, of course," I responded while waving my bowl of oatmeal in the air. "I would give up anything but you to have her back."

And I would. Him + me made her. It's amazing. I miss that little girl. I was planning on getting over my fear and dislike of water (I wear life jackets in pools) so we could do baby and mama swim classes. Instead you can find me at Aquafit on Wednesday mornings sans life jacket even though I could really use a flotation device, or ten, these days. As so many have said before me, is this really my life?

In completely unrelated but very joyous news: my brother is back on US soil. Thank the Lord. Please no more tours in Iraq, brother of mine. I like you in one piece.

14 comments:

Bathing suits are all bad. If only there was a bathing suit equivalent to sweat pants and hoodies.Don't fell bad if you end up at the movies. My friends and I used to go to Aquafit in the evenings and then go for wings right after.

I hear you on the Christmas thing. I've said it to DH a few times already, there's no way I'm doing Christmas this year.Your blog looks great! Hope you can enjoy the aguafit (swimsuits are bad even at the best of times)

Good luck with the Aquafit. I'm scared to even try on some pre-pregnancy pants because I know I'll end up crying and feeling hopeless etc when I discover they don't fit yet. I haven't made it to a bathing suit quite yet.

I don't know what we will do for Christmas. Part of me wants to go away and pretend that it isn't Christmas and part of me feels guilty about doing that because my family will all be here and we were going to have it in our new house this year. But I think that will make it even more painful. I don't know.

Yeah, Christmas can bite me this year too. Juniper was going to be old enough to tear paper.As for the swim suits. I bought a suit off the rack at Ross about 4 weeks after I gave birth. Didn't try it on or anything. Just bought it because we were going to the coast. (Though our hotel ended up not having a pool.) I didn't even try it on for another month or so. Then I just put it on and went because I didn't give a rats ass what it looked like.

AND ad for the popcorn. It IS a whole grain and therefore good for you. Even with butter, because fat is good for you now! http://www.preventionisbest.com/site/saturatedfat.html Just drink water at the movie...

As I read of your Auqafit endeavor, I recall a certain couple's save-the-date card... Complete with photograph of the said couple, diving off a dock into a river. "There is no such thing as perfect moments- only opportunities to be seized" Remember that even in the grayer moments of life, God shapes us into the people HE wants us to be. Let Charlotte be a marker in your life that though short, we may still go forward unto the unknown COMPLETELY secure in our faith in Him and that if we fall- he is the King of comforting scraped knees and a wounded heart.Personally, I would don that swim cap with all my courage and simply float. Listen to your heartbeat- revel in the joy you had of carrying her, revel in the joy of her being in heaven. Much Love, HK

your blog looks great!! my recommendation is that you and Jon take a trip for Christmas, go on a cruise or something, enjoy some nice time together without focusing on the fuss of the holidays!! Good luck with aquafit.

Love the new look! And I hope Aquafit goes well. You can do it, and you might be surprised to find you enjoy it (never done it before...just trying to find some optimism for you)!

I hate swimsuits...But, I am exceptionally glad I didn't break down and buy a maternity suit this spring when they first came out...because I would be really upset now. Problem is now is that I am 36 pounds lighter than I was last summer, so my swimsuit still doesn't fit...Not really THAT horrible...but I still don't want to buy a new one. Just a reminder or what should have been.

I smiled when I read this. I recently thought about going to the new Aquafit class at my local Y because they just opened a new outdoor pool. I won't commit just yet - but your post inspired me to think about! I have not been exercising lately... keep us posted on how the class went (or movie). :)

I hear you on the Christmas thing. I've said it to DH a few times already, there's no way I'm doing Christmas this year.Your blog looks great! Hope you can enjoy the aguafit (swimsuits are bad even at the best of times)