Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Clandestino

35 Canal St. (btw Essex & Ludlow)

New York, NY 10002(212) 475-5505

Bathroom situation - two single-person unisex powda rooms in the back and to the right. One has a sliding door that is apparently super seriously difficult to lock [ed. apologies for bustin' in like that the other night...we didn't see anything we haven't seen before, promise].Takes credit cards? - oui, bien sur, mon frere.Crowded on weekends? - any chance the hipsters-in-basketball-jerseys thing will come back next summer now that the NYTimes has published an article about it? The $7 Visceralist recently spent on a Jordan 23 Wizards jersey really hopes so.Seating - seats for days. Like, summer days. Like, if you can't find something here to hold your ass roughly 2.5-3.5 feet off the ground, you're just being a hater.Neighborhood - the gentrifyin' part of Chinatown. FYI, the late-nite buses go every whicha-way 'round here...so make sure your phone has some GPS up in its guts.Pretentious/assholes - if there are any fuckin' cunts here, they hide it like they're playing hide-n-seek in an old vacant lot and they chose the old broken-down fridge as their spot cuz their parents and/or school never showed them that one PSA video with the anthropomorphic bears.Cost of Stella - $6...bottles only.What time people start showing up - oh, and they will show up whenever. If you know someone who knows someone here, you can come by after all the other bars close...Bartender efficiency - last time Visceralist was here, some asshole was buying drinks for us, so you'd have to ask his bitch-ass.Official Website -here. Spartan, out-of-date, and considering this place is allegedly a wine bar, could seriously use a list of drinks on offer, but whatevers.Food? How late - you saw how the Heat roasted the Pistons last night like they were some damn pigs on a spit?! Oooooh, it's finna be a hot winter.TVs? What's on - deuces!Guy:girl ratio - Visceralist has seen some dudes here in untucked button-ups so keep your guard up, ladies and don't fall for the okey-doke.Toys - one of the bathrooms has a sliding door.Age of clientele - the wise-beyond-their-years set. Now, Visceralist knows that phrase is usually some ol' bullshit that overweight and ugly writers latch onto when they're under deadline, but we actually really mean it...like rilly tho. Like forealdo.Space for dancing? - not with all the seats, unfortch!Music medium, style & volume - can't remember, but next time we're here, we'll record it on our iPhone's voice-recorder app and upload it here as an update [ed. now you know good and well you will never do that...why must you lie to these nice people so?]Specials or most popular drink - something called the Clandestino Rose.