The Chicks’ Own Annual Award Show: The Egg-berts

As the media universe chirps with pre-Oscar predictions and red-carpet prep, the Chicks offer their own Egg-bert awards for the most worthy (or awful) in movies this year. Read on to see which ones received a talons-up (or down)!

Well, I’m dressed to kill for the ceremony (leggings, bunny slippers, New England Crimebake tee-shirt) and I really, really want that designer freebie bag, but I was a bit scrambled this awards season and didn’t get my ballot in on time for the most prestigious Egg-berts. So the presentation for Biggest Waste of Comedic Talent in a Fake Detective Duo will be held during our commercial break (so sorry). Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly, you made great Step Brothers (loved you, mean it!) but you were the worst Holmes and Watson ever. When I woke up twenty-two minutes in to see people leaving the theater in droves I made the brilliant deduction that your clueless parody (that’s what you were going for, right?) was a flop. I see that you are already up for a pre-Oscar Razzie (as in, Golden Raspberry), but just in case you don’t win that one (and I think you will), please enjoy your shiny new Egg-bert!

Not to boast – which of course means I’m about to boast – but I get screeners for pretty much all the frontrunners due to the WGA (Writers Guild of America) awards. What I don’t get from them, I get from a friend who’s a member of the Motion Picture Academy. (Ah, the perks of living in Lalaland.) To be honest, usually the screeners stack up – I have drawers full of them from years past – but this year, our first as empty nesters, we’ve actually seen almost all of them. We even got invited to the premier of BOY ERASED.

Based on our viewing, I don’t think there’s a clear frontrunner for Best Picture, although there’s a groundswell for ROMA. (One of about two we haven’t seen yet, natch.) But my vote goes to VICE. I really appreciate that Adam McKay has a unique voice and vision, as both a writer and director. (Loved THE BIG SHORT.) And Christian Bale is amazing. But – spoiler alert – Rami Malek is the frontrunner for Best Actor because Academy members liked his Golden Globe speech better than Bale’s. Yup, voting can be that petty. Hey, I once filled in my Emmy ballot with the worst shows on TV because I was ticked off the one I was working on at the time never got nominated. Like I said… petty.

I’m excited about this year’s Oscar slate for Best Song from a Motion Picture. This is true because there are some good nominees – although mostly because I didn’t see many movies this past year, but I have watched all the videos for Best Song!

My vote goes to — “The Place Where Lost Things Go” from Mary Poppins Returns! It’s a lovely song, and since this is one of the few movies I did see last year, I know that it works beautifully with the story. (At the theater, I teared up during this song. It’s one of the best scenes in the movie!)

I’d like to throw in one more award here: Cutest name for an award goes to — Chicks on the Case for the Egg-berts! *Cheers* *Throws confetti*

I’m a sucker for long scenes with no camera cuts, and also for gorgeous cinematography, so my prize for last year’s best opening scene has to go to Roma. (As for my favorite opening scene in any movie ever, that would be 1990’s Goodfellas. You can see that amazing uncut scene here—scroll down to no. 2 in the list.)

The black-and-white cinematography of Roma is eye-poppingly astounding throughout (see trailer here), but the first scene—which includes all the credits—is simply delightful (be sure to watch for the plane flying through the reflection at the beginning; how on earth did they time that?). Roma is available on Netflix, and even if you don’t watch the entire film, do check out the first five minutes.

There were many fine movies of 2018, and there are many fine awards to honor them. But as soon as I realized that I had the opportunity to talk about my favorite, um, non-best, that’s where my mind went.

My award for “The Worst Film Featuring the Accidental Release of a Prehistoric Shark” (a niche category if ever there was) goes to The Meg. Actually, maybe it’s the “BEST Worst Film Featuring the Accidental Release of a Prehistoric Shark.” In either case, The Meg takes the statue-egg in my book.

Now… I love disaster movies. And I love cinematic camp. And I super-DUPER love them together. The Meg, though. Ooooooof. For me, there was neither peril nor irony. It was chockablock with explosions, bad CGI, and a shirtless and annoyed (sometimes simultaneously) Jason Statham.

My favorite groan-worthy moment was a scene in which a character mourns the fact that his friend became an amuse-bouche for the murderous megalodon. When he cries, “That living fossil ate my friend!” the entire room exploded in laughter. Just guessing, but probably not the reaction the film’s creators were going for.

On the other hand, I’m still talking about it, so at least it was memorable!

I’ve seen most of the Oscar noms (and couldn’t choose my fave even if I was threatened with a sharp stick in my eye), but one still on my list is “A Star is Born” with Lady Gaga. Hubs and I decided to watch all the old ones while we waited for a chance to see the new one, beginning with the Judy Garland/James Mason. What a hot mess that thing is! First, it’s kind of fascinating to watch because it got a hatchet job in editing. When it was restored, those edits were lost to the ages and replaced with stills. First, it clocks in at, oh, about 47 hours, so it definitely needed editing. But they chopped out important plot sections that rendered it completely confusing without the audio attached to the stills. Instead of keeping any kind of story line, they kept all —ALL — of Judy Garland’s songs. Don’t get me wrong, I love Liza’s mom. But it was too much. Clearly the entire film was simply a vehicle for her comeback. She was nominated for Best Actress for it (but lost), and it was selected for preservation in the National Film Registry by the Library of Congress as being “culturally, historically, or aesthetically significant.” So what do I know? Except that I don’t want a sharp stick in my eye.

★ Best Film Combining Crime Caper and Fashion: Ocean’s 8
★ Best Film With Most Beautiful Wedding Maybe Ever: Crazy Rich Asians
★ Best Film I Haven’t Seen Yet But Suspect I Will Love: The Favourite
★ Best Films To Watch Back-to-Back If You Love Melissa McCarthy As Much As I Do (yes, this is the proper order and has been authenticated): Can You Ever Forgive Me and Life of the Party
★ Best Film That Made Me Sing/Cry In The Theater But That’s Okay Because Everyone Was Singing/Crying: Bohemian Rhapsody

Readers, we bet you have some awards to give out, too–or maybe you disagree with this year’s Egg-bert winners (or losers). Cast your vote in the comments below!

So much fun to read my fellow Chicks here! And I agree with the shout-out to Crazy Rich Asians. Also for A Star is Born. We saw it on the WB lot at a screening for the studio’s legal department. You could here people sobbing at the end – lawyers, no less – and I was like, “Seriously? You don’t know how this story ends? It’s only been done, like ten times.”

I have also never seen any version of the A Star is Born and just realized it right now (though I do remember the first glimpse of the 70s soundtrack album cover shocked my young eyes). Need to remedy that.

I’m sure this comes as no surprise to anyone, but I stick to popular films. Rarely do I have any interest in any of the nominees.

I’ll give out an award to Jurassic World Fallen Kingdom for the worst movie. Seriously, what were they thinking? So many stupid decisions. I was rolling my eyes so much I’m surprised they didn’t fall out.

And Leslie, that scene from Goodfellas? One of my all time faves, too, right along with the movie as a whole. In fact, my former creative director would cite that opener every single time he wanted to demonstrate long-scene majesty. So good! I haven’t seen Roma, but it’s high on my list.

You’ve all inspired me to watch (and not watch) so many movies! Maybe I should do eye calisthenics to prepare.

This is a fabulous award ceremony. I learned 2 things: I’m woefully behind on my movie watching. I’ve seen nothing. And 2. I want Ellen Byron’s life. “Oh yeah, we went to the screening at the Warner Brother’s lot on a Tuesday then had Pinkberry for a snack. Laa dee dah.” Is anyone else like OH MY GOD THAT IS FREAKING AWESOME!

I will cast an Eggbert vote for Cynthia Kuhn’s category ★ Best Film I Haven’t Seen Yet But Suspect I Will Love: Mary Poppins Returns. Emily Blunt looks adorable.

Ah yes, the life. As I sit here in a house that’s pretty much falling apart around us. But it sure was fun impressing you! Have to say, I was not a fan of Mary Poppins Returns. Thought the songs were mediocre and the story meh.

Back to impressing you. I do have to share one story that’s funny. When my kid was about ten, she got to go to one of the Kung Fu Panda premieres (again, thanks to my friend who does Oscar campaigns.) When Eliza met Angelina Jolie, she shook her hand and said, “I loved you in ‘The Tourist.'” Angelina gave her a look, like, whaaa?? Turned out my kid watched this grown-up movie on an airplane flight she and her dad took on a trip without me.

I have my issues with Mary Poppins Returns, but I was listening to the soundtrack most of the weeks, and it has grown on it. It will never be the original, but I think it will grow on me given enough time.