Considering Engagement? Thoughts on Picking Right

I said I was going to explore pre-engagement issues for Considering-Engagement Guy, but then I got sidetracked while the dreadfully charming Mr. Right was away. Now he’s back, and I’m back in relationship mode, back on task. So, thanks to all those who’ve already sent topic suggestions and advice…I’ll definitely use them. But first I thought I’d start with my own Picking Mr. Right story.

I think the conventional wisdom–or at least the old wives’ tale–is that when you meet the right person you’ll just know. I’m not sure that’s true for everyone though. It certainly wasn’t true when I dated Mr. R my freshman year in college. Nor when I e-dated him 5 years later in grad school. But by the time I married him over a decade after our first tryst, well, I guess it was sort of true. I did just know. But it sure took us a long time to figure out now, didn’t it?

I’ve used that wonderful quote from Khalil Gibran a couple times now and the funny thing is, on the surface, it seems like Mr. R and I are the exact opposite of that. (OK, OK, this is repetitive, but for those of you who don’t want to follow that link, here’s the quote again: “It is wrong to think that love comes from long companionship and persevering courtship. Love is the offspring of spiritual affinity and unless that affinity is created in a moment, it will not be created for years or even generations.”) OK so, it definitely took some seriously persistent courtship (thank you, Mr. R) to get our relationship glue to stick. Which seems at odds with the quote, right?

Well, the thing is, we always had that spiritual affinity. I mean, we just clicked. And even though lots of other issues conspired to get in the way of our relationship, at its core, it had this natural fit. Now, if you’re scratching your head and wondering what this spiritual affinity thing is, one (very brusque, insensitive blogger) might reply, If you don’t know what I mean, then you just don’t got it. But that seems a bit, well, brusque and insensitive. So let me explain more about what this mysterious feeling is.

For me, in its very simplest form, it means we have GREAT CONVERSATION. Of course, that’s probably what I value most in any relationship. So, for others, it might be boiled down to something like really enjoying each other’s company. Ultimately, I think all this stems from an underlying sense of comfort that I can be myself in front of this person. Good, bad, and ugly. I can fully inhabit my own skin with this guy–no pretenses, no fakery, no shame. (I’m reminded of that cheesy-but-so-it Billy Joel lyric, “You’ve given me the best of you, and now I need the rest of you.”)

Now, don’t get me wrong, all this talk of “comfortable” does not equal bored or apathetic or could-give-a-hoot. And it certainly doesn’t preclude passion. But it does mean feeling like it’s easy to be my best self around him. You know, like the old “he brings out the best in me.” And, then, against all these odds, when I happen to still be my worst self (which is more often than I’d like to admit), being willing to show this side to him, too. I even remember, early on in our relationship (Round 3), telling him all these horrrrrible things about myself because I really wanted him to know me. OK, that’s a lie. What I really wanted was for him to know these horrible things about me AND LOVE ME ANYWAY. (Now is that a deep thought or what?)

I think it’s helpful to note that, in my opinion, Gibran’s spiritual affinity happens not just with lovers, but with friends, acquaintences, strangers you meet backpacking around Thailand, even family members (though, unfortunately, not all). Something about how the two of you interact just works. Like I said, it just clicks.

So it seems to me that a strong foundation for a lasting relationship has to be based on this sort of feeling. And I don’t mean you have to necessarily be soulmates in the Richard Bach sense. And Gibran’s spiritual affintiy might sound a little too woo-woo to some people. But I do think it’s important that partners “get” each other, that they “click.”

Oohh…but then I’m reminded of that movie with Jennifer Aniston and the Holden Caulfield character…what was it? That’s right, The Good Girl (Holden played by Jake Gyllenhaal–thanks, google). There’s this scene where she says, in her pursed little southern accent, “I git you.” Or maybe it’s him, in his mopey-guy-who’s-been-“put-upon” accent that says it. Anyway, you know how that relationship ends up. Yikes. So maybe this whole spiritual affinity thing is a load of crap.

OK, back to the drawing board. How ’bout you just have a darn good time together? Well then, we’ll talk about that theory next time.

Happily even after,janna
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