The Pursuit of Harpyness » Fuck You Victoria’s Secrethttp://www.harpyness.com
As narrated by the most charming and vicious women on the internetSat, 29 Sep 2012 11:37:30 +0000en-UShourly1http://wordpress.org/?v=3.8.9Thongs: A Ranthttp://www.harpyness.com/2009/03/04/thongs-a-rant/
http://www.harpyness.com/2009/03/04/thongs-a-rant/#commentsWed, 04 Mar 2009 17:00:12 +0000http://www.harpyness.com/?p=2206

No thanks. Via pilarmollo @ Flickr.

I fucking hate thongs.

I don’t know how they came to be.For so many years we just wore normal, comfy, bun-hugging panties.Some were cut higher, some were cut lower, but they were all mostly okay. It wasn’t until the late ’90s that Big Fashion decided that what ladies really needed were panties that chafe in places where God never intended there to be chafing.Oh sure, I know they’re supposed to prevent unsightly pantilines, but really, that can mostly be prevented by wearing seamless or flat-seamed bikini panties and avoiding tissue-thin, skintight fabrics.No, the thong’s purpose is to expose maximum asscheekage, so that diaphanous tight skirts and stretchy pants spread smoothly over your hindquarters, as though there’s nothing between you and your Calvins.Some women actually go a step farther, turning an undergarment designed for discretion into a sexytime red flag by flashing the stringy top part above their waistline—this reportedly was Bill Clinton’s undoing in l’affaire Lewinsky.

Yet, even if that appeals to you, there’s no getting around the fact that actually wearing a thong just plain sucks.In my experience, they range on the discomfort scale from from mildly irritating to “hairshirt for ladyparts.”The elastic takes on a life of its own, crawling insistently up your asscrack until its edges are firmly embedded in some of the most sensitive skin on your entire body.This leads to surreptitious but increasingly desperate attempts to pluck it free without being noticed.And even if you do manage to accomplish a graceful, unseen wedgie-pull, it only buys you a few moments’ relief before the thong wiggles right back up again.I’ve had moments where I literally wanted to rip off the offending thong in front of a roomful of people; the embarrassment seemed preferable to the diabolical tugging and chafing action going on under my skirt.

Now, aside from being hella uncomfortable, there are other, more important reasons not to wear one.Gynecologists firmly believe that the thong is not your friend. My gyno refers to them as “waterslides for bacteria”, since the stringy bit that constantly slides back and forth can easily transfer fecal bacteria to the urinary tract, creating the perfect conditions for a roaring UTI.Additionally, multiple medical sources claim that regular thong-wearing can is associated with hemorrhoids, clitoral irritation and—yowch!—lacerations to the vulva or anus.

But as usual, women’s health and comfort comes a distant second in the pursuit of The Sexy. Like many hideously uncomfortable fashion accessories, thongs are fetishized as alluring and erotic.There’s something about the exposed asscheeks, the string disappearing coyly between them, that men seem to love.A former boyfriend of mine, raised in an Orthodox Jewish community where women always wore ankle-length skirts, was utterly delighted by thongs—to him they were the ultimate in naughty, especially when worn under one of those long skirts. The simultaneous play of reveal and conceal really charged his batteries. And he was not alone. I always kept a few thongs in the back of my underwear drawer for the rare occasions when I wore a skirt too short to go commando or too tight to wear with regular undies.The men in my life often lived in hope that I would wear them.They were frequently disappointed, unless I consented to wear them for a romantic evening when I knew that, well, I wouldn’t be wearing them long.

At the height of thong sales in Canada, NPD reports that the cheeky underwear represented slightly more than 16 per cent of the national underwear market. But by 2007, thongs had slipped to a 12-per-cent share, indicating a 4.3-per-cent fall.

In the U.S., NPD shows thongs have gone from representing 23 per cent of dollar sales of underwear in 2004 to 17.7 per cent in 2007. As in Canada, the decline is the steepest of any of the seven major styles of underwear observed in that period.

The U.K. has seen the biggest drop of all, with thongs having represented a third of all underwear sales in 2003 but just 12 per cent of sales in 2007, according to British retail analyst TNS.

Women apparently got fed up with thongs and are switching to more comfortable scanties:

In Canada, NPD shows sales of boy shorts are up 15 per cent over 2004. In the U.S., the style is up a whopping 64 per cent over that same period.

I’m a big fan of boyshorts; Calvin Klein and Gap Body make some nice ones.The ones made of stretchy material prevent VPL under skirts and tight pants just as well as thongs do (and—service-y interlude—I often nix VPL by taking a pantiliner, sticking it to the crotch of tight pants and going commando).The jury is still out as to whether men find the boyshorts as alluring as thongs, but really, until they’re willing to spend days walking around with a band of elastic chafing their hairy asscracks, I don’t think they get a say in the matter.

Frankly, I’ve never been a huge fan of bras in general.Being a lifelong member of the itty-bitty titty committee meant I didn’t get one until I was a teenager, and, to be honest, that had more to do with my pride than with actual necessity.Even now, I only barely fill a B cup, and that’s if the bra is sized on the small side.

There are a lot of advantages to a petite rack: little to no sagging, slim-cut clothes fit well, halter necks and tank tops require no undergarments, my back and shoulders don’t get sore and I never need an uncomfortable underwire.And while men’s magazines and the porn business show a decided preference for humongous flotation devices, my small breasts have drawn nothing but compliments—and often raves—from the menz.

So why the fuck do retailers keep trying to sell me a padded bra?

Every single time I go into a Victoria’s Secret, the saleslady will, without fail, steer me towards a “miracle bra” or a “gel bra” or a “water bra” that will, in effect, give me a boob job for under $100. For all of my teens and 20s, the only A cup bras that Victoria’s Secret carried were so thickly padded they stood up like grain silos.The message was clear: your small breasts—pert and gravity-defying though they may be—do not look good.They need help.You need help.

I remember exploding in frustration at one V.S. saleslady who couldn’t comprehend that I did not want to look like I had bigger breasts. I wanted a pretty bra that fit the ones I had. While that had a lot to do with body image, it was also purely practical.Padded bras may give you good sweater meat, or squeeze some extra cleavage into your neckline, but they’re entirely deceptive; the moment the clothes come off or your date cops a feel, the game is up.I wasn’t interested in giving my boyfriend a handful of padding—I wanted him to get a handful of me.

It was a revelation when I moved to New York and discovered specialty lingerie shops.No more chain or department stores where anything less than a B meant a bra with extra stuffing.At Town Shop on the Upper West Side, a little old lady with a German accent kitted me out with gorgeous—and affordable!—lace and satin bras that fit, and flattered, and had no padding at all. (FYI: Calvin Klein, Felina and Wacoal all make lovely A cup bras.)

Breasts are inextricably linked to our womanly self-image, as my harpy sister Sarah shared with us in the story of her own mammaries.Clearly American women buy into the propaganda that bigger is better: the most popular plastic surgery in the US is breast augmentation and the most popular bras on the market are the kind that claim to increase your cup size.But mine are small, and they’re spectacular. So put the padding away, Victoria. I’m keeping it real. Kthx.