Alcohol leads to pointless academic research

13-12-11

SCIENTISTS are 100% more likely to state the obvious while drunk, it has emerged.

Toast: the Higgs Boson of the hangover universe?

Researchers working on a strict tequila diet had their number of idiotic statements measured against a second test group who did not spend all morning sat on the toilet shaking making a low keening noise, with disappointing results.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute For Studies, said: “Our tequila scientists struggled with any experiment whose findings were more complicated than ‘a cool pillow feels really, really nice’ or ‘some toast might do the trick’.

“And their paper was often delivered in a barely-audible whisper while wearing dark safety goggles.

“Once we kept the lab open of a night things did get more interesting. I have high hopes for the nuclear-powered sofa and the flashing neon gerbils they developed after 38 test tube slammers.”

The research was conducted to establish why scientists have made self-evident proclamations relating to alcohol since the year 142 when Galen warned the Roman senate against driving a horse and cart after eight amphora of wine.

Brubaker initially felt that the sheltered life of the scientist meant they discovered as middle-aged adults what the rest of the world worked out when they were 17, citing as evidence his recent paper ‘The Doors Were Actually Shite’.

However, the results showed that government research grants were 12 times more likely to be awarded if they proved a pursed-mouthed, finger-wagging hypothesis that made everyone feel like an arse.

Brubaker added: “As well as making obvious comments whilst drunk, the scientific community are actively encouraged to make obvious comments about getting drunk, so it’s like a Möbius waste of everyone’s time.”