Excuse my little rant here, but being bisexual does NOT mean that person must love having threesomes and group sex.

For me personally, I am a bisexual female. No I do not want to have a threesome with a guy and another female. I like men. I like women. I personally do not like being with a man and a woman at the same time together.

If you’re into that sort of play, good for you! If not, still good for you! I’m so tired of people trying to pressure me into FMF threesomes that I do not want.

People claim they would never force you into something that makes you uncomfortable, but then for some reason once you are bisexual that goes out the window.
We do not all love threesomes / group sex.
We do not all cheat compulsively.
We are not all polyamorous.
Some people do these things, some don’t.

This same struggle also applies to polyamorous people I’ve noticed. Being bi or poly (or both) do not automatically mean we are down with whoever comes our way.

K thanks :)

EDIT: there is someone (u/MangoRush) messaging people who have commented on their bisexuality on this post and saying very rude things about our sexuality. Just report and block the person do not reply!

EDIT: there is someone messaging people who have commented on their bisexuality on this post and saying very rude things about our sexuality. Just report and block the person do not reply!

Guys have hit on my lesbian friend a couple times and a surprising amount have said "she just hasn't had the right guy." To which I usually respond with "Maybe you just need to try the right dick too" usually with a wink and placing my hand on theirs. They normally get the message after that.

My sister knew several straight guys that tried once gay sex, and after that they didn't want anything else. I found this story quite weird, but then I thought about her friends and acquaintances and mostly from the theatre. I guess stereotypes have some basis of truth.

Who would say that at a Swingers event? (the line to your friend, your response is brilliant) I've experienced greater than average level of respect in this community. I'd be wairy of ppl who say things like that!

The proper response to this is to say you've got a rather girthy friend, and the dude hitting on you probably just needs to get dicked down in a dominant fashion, and he'll go bi, maybe even gay. Tell him he looks like he'd give a mean blowjob.

I'm not trying to nullify your comment. But I was in the Navy with a lesbian. Well lots if them. But one in particular. She worked in the engine room. Essentially all men, and this one kick ass woman in my space. All the guys would jokingly try to turn her. And she'd be like well, I'll let you fuck me if I get to fuck you with a strap-on. The whole while putting off she'd never be with a guy. The whole time she was experimenting with this male marine on board. They are now married and have three beautiful children. 😂 I found it entertaining how pissed off all my boys were.

Said respectfully...
My husband has said it makes him uncomfortable when guy friends jokingly touch his junk. I mean: if you are a woman with a male friend, and the male friend said “why don’t you want me, maybe you just need to give me a try” and cupped your crotch: would that make you uncomfortable? Would it feel a little bit like....maybe....a lack of consent? Just wondering.

i. .hm. can you explain that? this isn't a troll, i myself don't really know what i identify as, i'm in a small town with real defined colored lines, but you say lesbian, would you or anyone else consider you 'bi' or something like that?

tl;dr many, many people (read: mostly straight dudes) see lesbians as like, Iunno, proto bisexuals. they don't take them seriously and will hit on then or try to "convert" them with the power of dick (their dick, generally). bisexual and lesbian women often have to deal with commentary where people don't take their sexual orientation seriously or somehow treat sex with dudes as the only "real" type of sex. it is very frustrating.

okay, i sort of get it, so the way the OP and you were thinking of it (and i wasn't apparently) was more in the way that you look or act? i was just distracted with the terms rather than the implications.

Hijacking the top comment to say that someone found me in this thread and sent me an awful message calling me a "lost one who swings both ways" and calling bisexuality a "mental abnormality." Is this person targeting anyone else? Because wow. Just what I needed to see today /s
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Man I'm bisexual and kind of a slut and love group sex and sometimes feel unfulfilled in monogamy because of not being able to be with the opposite sex and sometimes I feel real bad about it because most other bisexual people seem to be really upset as being stereotyped... as what I am. :(

I struggle with that too sometimes, but I have the self awareness to know when I need a break, but I definitely understand where you're coming from. It helps me to help others because I can always come up with a solution for someone else, but then I can see where it applies to my own stuff, and I end up solving stuff for myself that way. Here's to healing💙

In general, it's not about it necessarily being a negative thing so much as just very presumptuous. Like, I'm a bi guy and I personally kind of don't get hard and fast no-exceptions monogamy(not that it's terribly relevant to my life but that's neither here nor there). I would still not be particularly happy if someone who had no other reason to believe that came to the correct conclusion based on my being bi.

Of course, there are also bi people who are actually judgemental about it, much as I'd like to pretend there aren't. Best we can do is try not to let it hurt too much and maybe try to change their minds if possible.

I’m someone who’s slowly exploring the side of me that’s bi, although I still heavily prefer women. And I’m definitely a bit of a slut. And I’m into kink. And I do enjoy group sex, although I haven’t had much of it. And I’m insatiable. And I’m in an ethically non monogamous relationship with very few restrictions (on me or my partners, it’s not one sided). And all that together adds up to all the stereotypes people have (of course I don’t feel bad about them, but I know society in general takes a dim view of a lot of these). Let me just say, I feel you. And to all the people who are some of them but not others, yeah I’m sorry I’m probably perpetuating them :)

Kinky bi chick here. Even though I am into nonmonogamy and group sex, it does bug me that it's almost an expectation? Recently started dating a guy with a girlfriend, and haven't slept with him yet. I like to get to know someone a bit before I have sex with them. But he's already brought up group sex twice. Just light comments, but still! Wait for a while, chill the fuck out, be respectful, and I'll probably fuck you and your girlfriend. Bring it up on the first date and then I'm just feeling a bit awkward. Same with bringing up kinks straight away.

I understand what you mean by non-monogamy feeling like an expectation. Sometimes, it feels like bi folks are expected to just break every sexual convention. Like can people just relax and let us be bi in our own ways and stop misappropriating our orientations?

And you aren’t because you aren’t going into a relationship saying you are into monogamy and then subsequently cheating because of some sort of unfulfillable hunger. You are approaching your sexual needs ethically and with people who understand and consent to your needs and desires. The bi stereotype is one where bisexual people are liars and untrustworthy. That our word is meaningless because we are exclusively driven by uncontrollable and base desire. Which is horseshit. Just like any other group of people, some of us are slutty, some of us are prude, some of us are poly, some of us monogamous, some of us are faithful and some of us are not. The only thing that we all share is that we are into all sorts of humans and not just any one gender identity.

Exactly! I get a lot of people trying to convince me “just try it one time”. Like no. I do not find it attractive, nothing about it turns me on, and it makes me uncomfortable. I just personally am not into it. I’m not against it I have appreciation for people who do it but it’s just not my thing 🤷‍♀️ why is that such a hard concept to grasp?

It's even worse once you realize that the majority of these women are not that hot about girl-on-girl, or FMF/FFM threesomes at all. It's almost palpable when it's the guy trying to force his partner into something that she's not that into to begin with.

And yes, these men who feel 100% entitled to their little jerk-off fantasy of FMF since the day they started watching abusive, mysogynistic porn are the same men who are ridiculously outraged and threatened by the notion of sharing their partners with others, lest they find out that their partners are very much capable of enjoying sex with men other than them, or gasp possibly even more so, than with them!

My ex wanted me to try a MMF threesome because he thought I would enjoy it. I considered the possibility of doing it and then he said if we do MMF, then I must do FMF to be fair. I immediately backed out of the whole thing. I don’t like that idea of being forced into something you don’t like out of “fairness”. It’s bad enough many people are forced to do oral or other things they don’t enjoy but trying to talk someone into sleeping with an entirely new person when they don’t want to is so messed up.

With my new bf he too thinks I’d like a MMF, and admittedly I have thought about it a lot. I made it clear to him though I don’t want to do FMF as payback and he thought was the most messed up idea ever. He said he’d like an FMF threesome with me but if I don’t want to do that it’s fine. He doesn’t expect that from me. And if for whatever reason he wants to back out of MMF that’s perfectly fine I’m not going to die

Yeah no. Sex isn't a trade. I'm always baffled when I see posts like "if he won't give you oral, don't do it for him!". Like if either one of you doesn't enjoy it... Don't do it? We're not taking turns on the swings here.

100% with you on that! And as a I said it’s bad enough doing smaller acts you don’t enjoy. But trying to convince someone to sleep with an entirely new person when they don’t want to is disrespectful, trust breaking, insulting, and changes your entire relationship dynamic. It’s very degrading.

I don't at all think you should be pressured into desiring other group sex dynamics just because you're into one of them... but the stigmatization/shame I've received from saying that as a bi woman I'm more into MFM when it comes to threesomes vs FFM is amazing.

Talk about having a MFF as a bi woman and you're congratulated, high-fived, dudes think it's hot... talk about having a MFM as a bi woman and suddenly you're gross, disgusting, a whore, ect.

It just seems often like people are only "open and accepting" about the type of sex that fits heteronormative society and makes men the focal point. Lots of barely-bi/heteroflexible woman are expected to put on performative sex acts for the benefit of men yet we almost never expect men to do the same.

I'm bi and a unicorn and totally get the op. I like joining couples but don't enjoy threesomes with my own partners, I just don't like to share! I am super aware and very picky about the couples I see and like being a fun addition. I immediately back off the second I even suspect that they aren't both on the same page. There's no fun in that for me at all.

Men who expect their partner to play at being bi for their sexual kicks or in order to keep them are arseholes. They'd never in a million years accept it if the script was flipped. The idea that a woman can be flexible on her sexuality to fulfill their partners fantasies is incredibly insulting.

FMF = two females that play with the male but (generally) not each other (straight females, straight male)

FFM = two females that play with each other, and also the male (bi female, straight male

MMF = two males that play with each other, and also the female (bi male, straight female)

MFM = two males that play with the female but not each other (straight male, straight female)

Also these designations can mean just about anything, sexuality is a rainbow. I've had FFM threesomes where I just did not play with the other woman at all, other than a hi five and a fucking awesome view, and they were some of the best. Also the idea of every person participating in a threesome being "straight" from the woefully draconian concept of heteronormativity is ridiculous, but also it's probably the closest thing to what most people think of when discussing these dynamics

MMF = two males that play with each other, and also the female (bi male, straight female)

MFM = two males that play with the female but not the male (straight male, straight female)

The order of the letters sort of represents who interacts with who. So FMF the male interacts with both women, in FFM the man only interacts with one woman, and one woman interacts with both the man and the other woman.

Just out of curiosity how large do you think the assumptions you're making here are? Since you must be going on anecdotal evidence what's your sample size? This is such a broad statement that pretty much villafies one sex. I've had all kinds of threesomes and never experienced what you're referring to. It may be just your experience.

3 days later EDIT: This is the problem with this sub. Too much bashing and knee jerk reactions. Is there a less hive mind sub like this somewhere?

Big true. Bi and trans here, I’m very very particular with who I’m actually attracted to. Had a threesome once (m and f) and while it was enjoyable, it’s most definitely not my preferred thing and not something I care to do on a regular basis. I most definitely do not want to just gangbang everyone all the time

I am a bi woman, used to be swinger in my previous marriage. I was always extremely nervous first telling anyone about being a swinger, let alone being bi. We had a fuck buddy plead with my ex to have me have sex with his friend that we'd never met before, in exchange for the fuck buddy giving my ex a bj?

A lot of awkwardness came from that marital situation. We didnt really have issues sharing each other with other people so long as it was safe and consensual. Now I'm engaged to a man that I'm more attracted to than I've ever been to any man or woman in my life, and the thought of sharing him deeply upsets me. Monogamy is how I roll these days, and there's much less awkwardness.

As the other side of the coin, I've been monogamous my whole life untill my current relationship. I am head over heels for this guy and have been for the past 5 years we have been together, and that love and trust is the only reason I can be ok with our relationship being open to bringing other people into the bedroom. I never trusted any of my previous partners enough to even consider it, but with him it's like I'm so secure in our relationship that I know us having sex with other people couldn't (and hasn't) possibly break that.

But goddamn if it isn't the most annoying thing when you say you're bi and the first thing people assume is you want to bang everyone all at the same time. It's like, no, I might have the potential to be attracted to any gender but I still have fucking standards dude.

Edit: spelling is hard

As the other side of the coin, I've been monogamous my while life untill my current relationship. I am head over heels for this guy and have been for the past 5 years we have been together, and that live and trust is the only reason I can be ok with our relationship being open to bringing other people into the bedroom. I never trusted any of my previous partners enough to even consider it, but with him it's like I'm so secure in our relationship that I know us having sex with other people couldn't (and hasn't) possibly break that.

I know how you feel. It's awful when you try to match with someone in F4F online and 90% of the time it turns out that it was either some guy catfishing, or a couple trying to be sneaky about their intent of "recruiting" me as their unicorn. Pardon my french, but fuck off. If I wanted to join a couple, I would have made my intention to do so quite clear.

All the couples I know who have successfully found a unicorn have done so IRL. They develop a simultaneous and mutual attraction with a bi girl, start flirting, and things move forward from there.

Social, extroverted couples with good chemistry, who project the image of a happy, secure relationship, are going to have waaaaaaaay more luck just living their lives than any number of MF4F posts could ever bring.

Exactly this. Anytime we have found a Unicorn it was completely by accident and ended up just happening naturally after we had already known them. I can’t even imagine how you would go about finding someone online.

Heyyyyyy girl, know you said "no couples" but you hadn't met us yet! My girlfriend is super hot and DEFINITELY not just going along with my fantasy in order to save our faltering relationship. She will totally kiss you and finger you but only in a way that looks super attractive from my male perspective, and as we all know from porn, that is exactly the kind of lady-on-lady action that gets women off! When we are done having sex you will immediately have to leave so we can discuss our own feelings about the matter with each other and YOU don't get to be part of that conversation because you're just DLC of our REAL relationship. You can't bring any "drama" to the table, and by "drama" we mean that you can't express any human emotion beyond enthusiasm and sexual ecstasy. Here's a five-paragraph breakdown of the sexual things we're comfortable doing to you and the things we want you to do to us. Not only is it impossible for you to have preferences which conflict with this, any deviation from this script will be blamed on you and you alone. We can't wait for you to get a complete STD testing on your own dime so you can jump into bed with us!

Pansexual guy here who has done group sex several times but prefers not to do it with already coupled people. THIS is exactly why. They bring so much drama and baggage, and yet everything is your fault and/or you get ghosted when you're not available at a moment's notice and prefer to talk first or have foreplay. Plus, it always feels like one person is super attracted to you and the other person could take or leave you. Also being black doesn't help, as I automatically get heralded into hypermasculine or cuck-ish scenarios, and they're more likely to throw a fit if I try to make conversation. Might as well be a plow horse to these couples.

To be fair I'm a bisexual woman dating a dude and I would reeeeeeally like a MFF threeway, but I've been the unicorn so I know how rough it gets. I've also seen my couple friends fall into pitfall after pitfall chasing unicorns. No bi girl wants to be in a threeway where the girl is obviously not into it or where her own needs are always going to be secondary. I think a lot of couples are so busy high-fiving each other about how progressive and open-minded they're being in searching for a third that they don't realize how oversaturated the market really is, and even when they do realize it, they don't know how to market themselves as a superior option. "we're cute and chill" they all say. "no drama" they all say. "here's our elaborate list of rules which can in no way flex to accommodate your preferences" they all say.

I think it's very naive to think that how you present yourself has nothing to do with your ability to attract a partner, especially online. Things like picture angles, whether or not you wear a hat in a profile pic, whether or not you smile, these things can have very tangible statistically measurable affects on how many people swipe on you on Tinder.

In a perfect world this wouldn't be necessary, but we don't live there. Obviously this does not represent every element that goes into one's search for a partner, but if you are looking for something very specific that a bunch of people are also looking for, you had better distinguish yourself in a way that makes you more appealing than your competition, or you will not be successful.

The entire approach is anti-intimacy and will lead most everyone involved to feel like they are on a hamster wheel of chasing the best way to present themselves. The FOMO continues even if they get married and that's part of why divorce rates are so high now.

We need to just start talking to each other face to face more and stop looking for our phones to do the magic for us. The magic happens when you take care of yourself and go out into the world and mingle with other people who take care of themselves. That's how the WWII generation had more sex than Millennials and Gen Z despite being more "conservative".

I agree! I came out as bi a few years ago to some close people in my life and I’m so against the idea of having any type of group sex. I’m not a jealous person, but the idea of bringing another woman into the bedroom with myself and my boyfriend and seeing them touching and kissing makes me a little ill.

I’m in exactly the same boat as you. It’s just something I’m not comfortable doing. My bf doesn’t mind sharing me with another man, but if he did mind, I’d respect it. I’m glad I finally found a man who doesn’t try to pressure me into threesomes.. but I still get the whole “oh you must be great in threesomes” reaction even if I come out casually to a new friend.

Wife is bi/mostly gay. She just happened to like me best, so we've been married for nearly ten years. Her sexuality is no secret and we've had many offers from women, men, and couples. The fantasy of a threesome is far better than the actuality of a threesome (for us, anyway).

It's true though. I ended up being in a straight MFM threesome and boy is it more uncomfortable than you would think. Everything is awkward, dudes are trying to keep this as hetero as possible and I'm just like trying to figure out what and who to focus on. The whole thing was just a mess. NONE of us dated or even gave a shit about eachother but just imagine seeing the person you love pleasuring someone else. Idk for me it's just too much. I love fantasizing about it with my partner but I don't think the actual thing would be enjoyable for either of us (especially since we both get pretty jealous).

I was with a guy that pushed for a group situation hard and there was a chance for a situation that made sense, so we went for it. It seemed ok for a bit and then he flipped out in the middle of the session. He decided I was enjoying it too much and he didn't like that I was appreciated/praised. It was not my first situation with more than 2 people, but I've been hesitant to engage in any more since then. On the plus side, I learned a lot about him that day....

I am so tired of people (no offense but usually straight men) immediately asking me for a threesome because I’m bi. It’s one thing to be genuinely curious I don’t mind talking about sex and my sexuality I love it but do not fetishize me. I’m not here to serve your fantasies. I love sex I’m totally down with a threesome and group sex but if you ask me that from the getgo and EXPECT it from me because I’m bi you just entirely lost any chance you might have had.

Edit: also hey it’s not just sexual I genuinely have feelings for both romantically, emotionally etc people forget that part we tend to get so sexualized
I love sex but it’s more than that and there’s more to me than that

Edit: also hey it’s not just sexual I genuinely have feelings for both romantically, emotionally etc people forget that part we tend to get so sexualized
I live sex but it’s more than that and there’s more to me than that

I'm a straight guy who is polyamorous and likes threesomes, and I'm always very cautious about speaking about sex with others, especially people I'm attracted to, because I only develop sexual attraction after being friends for a while and I don't want to scare them off or make them uncomfortable or feel like all I saw in the friendship was a game to get to sex eventually. My conscientiousness has led to me missing some good opportunities because I choose to err on the side of caution, I don't want people walking around with painful (for them) memories of their interaction with me.

How would you like to be asked, in this context? I often feel like in many situations it is simply never an appropriate time to ask that person. I find in general people are not as comfortable as they think they are talking these things through if someone does inject explicit sexual tension into the situation, and tempers can flare unexpectedly.

That’s such a good question!Honestly no 2 person is the same and I can’t answer for everyone so I’ll tell you what I like. For me it’s all about how you start the convo! Ask me my interests what I like what I don’t. When someone’s first message is asking me about sex I’m immediately turned off. It makes me feel Objectified and fetishized. I’m also a woman of color (South Asian) so I feel fetishized from that too I’m a little guarded. if you show me interest as a friend and if we have a good connection our conversation will naturally turn to sex because I love talking about sex lol let’s talk about our kinks and experiences I think there is a natural way to bring it up and then there’s a creepy way to bring it up again of course it depends on the person but this is for me. And if we happen to have similar kinks and we have a great connection I am 100% down and happy. I don’t know if this helped but I really hope it did and I’m happy to continue this conversation because I think your question is a really important one!

I liked what you shared, thanks. I am thinking of a past college scenario in particular where I was good friends with a girl, and eventually I decided I wanted more, but so did three other guys in our circle at the same time, and they were more aggressive and creepy about it. I hung back kinda studying the situation, feeling mostly depressed for her (she was obviously annoyed and bummed by what she had to manage now) but I was too young and inexperienced (had never had PIV sex yet then, actually) to really know what to do to break the situation up or help her feel more comfortable, or certainly experess my own very strong attraction to her, without hesitation and with confidence, like I wanted to. I did try to bring it up a few times, but she played aloof everytime I brought it up, I imagine because she just wanted me as a friend and didn't want be put on the spot.

She ended up going with an older guy who swooped in and took her out of that whole friend group and she moved into his (he had a rich family and was a society boy, I totally get her attraction to him as painful as it for me to have to swallow all my unspoken feelings alone and let her go).
I heard her tell a mutual friend of ours she didn't know I liked her for months because I "made no advances" and she didn't think I was into her anymore, apparently she also said I was pathetic for not making a move on her. From my perspective, I thought I was being very direct while also trying to respect her obviously bottled up feelings about how guys treated her.

It was a weird situation and I was bummed how it turned out, she hasn't talked to me in years, the tension just got too awkward after she started dating the older guy but kept flirting with me.

FWIW this particular girl I suspect was molested as a kiddo. I would love to just be friends again now, but I don't know if she'd want to.

I don’t know you but you seem like you’re a good guy and honestly it sucks that women get bombarded by guys who are creepy, disgusting or just assholes. This situation seems like it had a lot of different factors going on that was out of your control she may have been dealing with her own shit that has nothing to do with you ( being molested really affects every aspect of your life for a long long time)
I don’t think you’re pathetic at all I like someone who can balance sexual tension, flirtation, and respect. I’d say keen to the cues she gives and let her lead the conversation when it does turn that way give her what she’s giving you does that make sense?

Yes, it makes sense. In this particular case, she gave me nothing back, like a blank, awkward, hesitant-to-acknowledge-sexual-tension energy, when I told her I could see her as more than a friend. So I backed off. And then got admonished by her and the older guy for backing off. Confusing for an 18 year old boy lol.

I told her I could see her as more than a friend and I definitely didn't want that to get in the way of us being friends, and she looked out the window avoided eye contact, curtly nervously responded "that's fine". There was this combination of tones in her voice often in these moments, a tone of "fuck having to deal with this, fuck you for making this my problem and making me think about it" combined with "I really don't want to hurt your feelings, I know this is all bigger than anyone's fault".

Unfortunately I feel the sexual tension coming between our genuinely enjoyable friendship was EXACTLY what happened.

I was very inexperienced compared to her, and it showed, I was dorky as fuck with my dad jokes and such to cheer her up, and had plenty of work to do on myself before I could have been a competent boyfriend anyway. But I think now, over five years later, we could probably build a new friendship as adults and maybe even laugh about this very ordeal (that would be ideal actually). But if I contact her out of the blue after years.. I need to be very mindful of how I frame wanting to meet up again, how I talk about it. She seems to be in a healthier place now, judging from her social media. She writes all kinds of sex positive self-loving stuff on there now.

It may sound like I'm obsessed with her but really I'm obsessed with understanding a shitty situation I experienced myself and her as being in the center of.

I actually created two character in my novel based loosely on 18 year me and her, two teenagers who kinda like each other and cuddle a lot but when they were kids she was molested and he was beaten with belts and verbally abused, so they both are too wrapped up in that and bad gender role programming to see each other's feelings without suspicion.

Thanks for talking about this with me! It always helps to get perspective and I think people aren't open enough about these topics in general

Me at 18 and me now also about 5 years are totally different people so I get that.

I don’t think it’s obsession at least not in a bad way it sounds like you genuinely want to understand the situation and you want to grow from it you cared about this girl you still do I don’t know how she’d react but I think it would make me happy.

And I’m a writer (poetry) I write a lot about my past relationships mostly about the abusive one and I would LOVE to read it I’m so intrigued

That is encouraging. Thank you. I really want to believe I'm not crazy or sexist for believing we could be friends again. There were instances where both projected lame gender programming onto each other, realized what we were doing, and stopped, shifted to being more open and intimate in our conversations, without talking about it explicitly, and I think in a weird way we both learned a lot about who we wanted to be from our interactions, but we never spoke of it together. It was too muddled and we were too young to articulate it. When I saw her with the older guy I felt normal disappointment but I knew she looked happy and he could give her access to fun experiences and lifestyle she really deserved and was ready for. I felt like there was nothing to be gained at that point in time from trying to force a conversation just so I could have closure, at least that's how I conceived of it then. Now I think it would be different and we could both be a lot more comfortable and communicative.

I had a girl lead me on for a whole month, only to casually mention that she had a boyfriend and ask me for a threesome. I spent time and money taking her out. She spent the night twice. I felt so used and tricked, I wasn't in love with her or anything but what an incredibly shitty thing to do to a person. I ended up telling her, I'm not your sex toy. Spice up your boring ass sex life some other way.

I have a feeling that he totally knew. I met her off a lesbian dating app, too. It seemed like they were doing the thing you talked about, sneaking around to get a third. Just next level sneaking lmao.

Yeah, fuck her. Thanks. However I got some excellent nudes she took on a date of ours that kick ass and I'll treasure forever, so I guess it's still a win :)

This seems like a failure caused by people needing to put everyone in boxes that neatly fit. I figure it goes "bi" --> "likes both genders" --> "likes both kinds of people" ---> "likes both at once" or some weird rampant thought process like that.

It's also weird that people only think "well, we are attracted to ONE gender at once". They never think of it as: most people are attracted to ONE person at a time, too.

There are a significant # of people who are into alternative sexualities simply because they get a certain emotional high on being sexual nonconformists, and because of this they explore a wide range of non-conforming behavior, including group sex, polyamory, etc..

These types of people sometimes assume others are just like them, and so they say, "hey, you're bi! That must mean you're into group sex too." But that's not always the case, of course.

The unicorn concept is ruining dating apps for the bi+ community. It makes people feel obligated to state that they're not interested in unicorning couples, to change how they identify on apps, or to quit the apps altogether. :(

Well said! I have been sexually active with men for awhile, but haven't ever had the chance to be with a woman. Like I'm hypothetically interested in trying a threesome, but I'm not necessarily interested just because I'm bi.

I hear you on that. I used to think that I might try a FFM threesome because I’m bi. But as I’ve aged I’ve grown to not like the idea and realized I don’t HAVE to. It just doesn’t attract me and honestly makes me a feel a bit bad in the pit of my stomach.

I have a serious question. A bad feeling in the pit of your stomach is enough to set a boundary for you? Because I've been admonished by girlfriends in the past for communicating something made me feel that way, and they are irritated and act like that's a childish reason to set a boundary, I need to get out of my comfort zone if I care about the relationship. It seems like a double standard to me but I am curious your POV.

Oh definitely. Go with your gut! If it seriously makes you feel uncomfortable to the point you feel it physically that is a HUGE signal and good reason for you setting that boundary. It doesn’t have to make sense or be explained to your partner. If you feel that way, you just do. I know for me personally it comes out of jealousy and feeling not good enough.. but until I get that shit under control it’ll remain making me feel that way and all hell would break lose if I were to be forced into it. If the thought makes me feel that horrible imagine how bad the actual act would make me feel. And my current bf understands this and I love him for it. Not everybody will agree and maybe think I’m dramatic or something.. but point is if your gut is literally telling you don’t want it, even if you try to convince yourself you do, go with the gut. Very basic and classic indicator.

If the thought makes me feel that horrible imagine how bad the actual act would make me feel.

I really appreciate your thoughtful response and mostly agree, however I just wanted to point out many things in my life that were great experiences were things I did despite being afraid of them even right as I was about to do it, like scuba diving with sharks nearby.

I think that's part of what makes this so tricky. It's hard to tell what is really going on with someone. There is a big ideology in progressive circles too (which is usually where these kinds of sex problems crop up, not in conservative circles as much) about "destroying your ego" and pushing your limits as part of healthy growth.

In my experience, this ideology can be just as pressuring and toxic for someone who has shit in their sexuality past that isn't their fault that they need to work through, as catholic guilt ideology and the like. In college I got in with some older people like this and I basically knew exactly how to speak and act and react to everything in order to be considered cool and sexy in their group, just like I knew how to please the mildly culty Baptist community that raised me. But in both cases I was whack-a-moleing myself into a smaller box every day in order to avoid the humiliation of being "the young guy who still has some freak-out/hesitation in him"

Well that’s completely different. Life and outdoor experience are different from sexual experience. Being afraid of a shark is different from you not being comfortable having sex with more than one person at once. My point was I feel uncomfortable about it to the point that I don’t feel well. I just REALLY don’t want it. I never used to feel uncomfortable to this extent but after years of people not respecting it when I say no and trying to force me into it, it’s made my open mindedness towards it narrow down and it’s made me very defensive towards it. If doing something sexual doesn’t feel attractive to you, that is 100% a good reason to set a boundary.

Good point! Also agreeing to it doesn’t mean you won’t be picky about who else is going to join you. I find quite often they ask a bi person for a threesome and then want to choose the 3rd themselves to have their sorta dream fantasy happen

As a main partner, you want to be secure that your partner does not get everything they get out of you out of someone else. You don't want to suspect your impending redundancy. But of COURSE your hotwife/hothusband likes the other people they fuck "more" than you, the entire reason you opened the relationship was because you wanted more, something distinct, something new, else, other, than just each other. So of course there will be unique things from hookup partners that the main partner cannot replicate. Nor can a hung fling replace the role the main partner plays. This should all be talked out before any swinging is done.

Girlfriend is bi and also fiercely monogamous. I think this has more to do with people's perception of bisexuals as being so sex crazed gender of their partner doesn't matter, so of course they'd be down for a threesome.

Edit: a word.

Girlfriend is bi and also fiercely magnanimous. I think this has more to do with people's perception of bisexuals as being so sex crazed gender of their partner doesn't matter, so of course they'd be down for a threesome.

Yes to this! I was in a poly relationship with two men and people thought that meant we had crossovers (3somes and the men maybe hooked up too) .
No it does not mean that. That was certainly not my the case, with us at least.

People think any unconventional relationship structure is simply a kink.

Yes to this! I was in a poly relationship with two men and people thought that meant we had crossovers (3somes and the men maybe hooked up too) .
No it does not mean that. That was certainly my the case with us at least.

Yeah I can't believe people think this. I'm bi and I had a boyfriend, we talked about my sexuality casually. I said something like "for me it's 80% girls and 20% boys so haha lucky you" (joking obv) and he just assumed I liked 80% of all girls. Honestly, wtf

;) I’m a bi guy married to a woman. While i do (with wife’s consent) occasionally fool around with guys, luckily it doesn’t come up much. But i still get people that completely misunderstand bisexuality.

I get this a lot too, being a single bisexual female. Thanks for posting OP because this is very relatable. I'm not very open with my sexuality anymore, especially when I meet new couples who have been in long term relationships and might be looking for a 3rd person to join... I dont know. it makes me feel worthless. i like having my person be my person only, whether Male or female. Just because I'm Bi doesnt mean group sex.

Exactly! Another thing I hate about the unicorn concept is that quite often you’re just a 3rd little fuck buddy for the couple. The unicorn’s emotional needs get completely thrown out the window because technically they aren’t in the relationship. They’re just treated as a booty call. A healthy unicorn relationship is very hard to come by

MY ideal "unicorn" situation, if I ever wanted one, would be a polyamourous triad moreso. I'd like us to live together if that is agreeable to everyone. Build lives together. Nontraditional family structures FTW.

It's like they're doing a google search and you hit more of their search keywords than anyone else. This is a problem with how we are trained in our world to think of sex and interactions with others in general, it pervades social interactions in our culture.

What triggered this post? A comment here said just seeing a lot of couple profiles looking for a unicorn bugs her.

My deal is that...I don't understand why you swipe right if that's not your thing. I can completely understand swiping right by mistake. But it's clearly a couple's profile, so if you swipe right intentionally, don't be so offended if the idea of a threesome is brought up.

FORCING you is definitely not OK. Attempting to convince you is annoying as fuck and unacceptable either. These I can agree.

Anyway. I've been a unicorn too. Fun times. Was not left out by the couple. I felt very much like an equal part of the team.

The original post was due to yet again casually coming out to someone and then having him tell me all sorts of things I should love doing because I’m bi.

The whole unicorn concept just got brought up through other’s comments. And what you say is 100% true. But I personally before I was with my bf would swipe on guys (or girls) who only displayed and talked about themselves in their bio, so appearing single, only to find out after a week or so of talking that they were looking for a 3rd. It was very frustrating and deceiving

people assume because i’m poly that i’m down for any and everything and that i have low standards. if anything my standards have skyrocketed since i became poly. people assume because i’m bi i must wanna fuck everyone. nope.

My point exactly. I have nothing against threesomes I just don’t want one. and it’s annoying as hell how people assume I’m straight and never ever ask me for one, but then the second they find out I’m bi threesomes is their first reaction.

I've said it before but: the only way I'd ever have a threesome is with a couple that I knew and trusted. But God almighty, every single dating app I have, I have to put down that I am not an unicorn for a trashy couple to use.

Same thing, I reckon. Being attracted to two different types of people doesn't mean you need to have sex with them at the same time. Even straights are attracted to multiple types of women. Being attracted to men and women, and different types of them doesn't mean you want all types at once... or at least not all the time. ;)

This is hard to believe for some apparently; I'm a straight guy, and I don't want to have threesomes, or have sex with random people I don't know. Sexual orientation has nothing to do with whether a person like's group sex, or sex with strangers.

the comment threads here have for sure given me a new respct for Unicorns...my hubby and i used to talk about getting one but havent actually reached out...well once--but thats a whole 'nother story lol lets just say it didnt make it past a single text.

I'd like to now add this: after my previous comment on this thread, I received a message from someone who very much believes bisexuality is a mental illness. This person is obviously of high school age, at least that is the mindset I picked up on, as he was trying to mock and belittle me, picking apart all my responses. Doing the whole "I dont know this stranger on the internet but I do know them" routine by suggesting "facts" about me because I'm Bi.

It was kind of hilarious, he didnt seem to pick up on my humor though. Very... high school. 😄

I've actually been sending a bunch of friendly messages ever since. He has stopped responding after the first night. How can you tell if someone has blocked you? I'm really finding a lot of fun in this. After all, if you cant say anything nice, dont say anything at all, right? I dont think there's any sayings about saying too much nice stuff. 🤣

Amen! Bi female here and I don't like group sex. That rare time I thought about engaging in a threesome, what I had in mind was me and two males. LOL and I hate how people assume I'm a cheat with men when I'm in a relationship with a woman. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Oh god ikr! The cheating thing always makes me laugh because it’s like people think we can’t live without dick... like uhhh, ya we can. Being a bisexual female literally implies that we can fall in love with and/or be satisfied with another female and be happy that way lmao

And I just got a DM from a bigot who (I guess hails from this thread) tells me out of the blue that I'm "just another lost little one" and that "bisexuality is the worst disease" and that in the "real world" it's called "chemically imbalanced" UGH JUST HOW SMALL COULD PEOPLE'S MIND BE?!

Thank you! A couple of years ago a youth magazine in my country even came out with a article that made those claims. That piece of quality journalism claimed that it was difficult to have a relationship with a bisexual person because they would cheat on you with people of the opposite sex all the time. Like, wtf?! That was a magazine geared towards youths who are still figuring things out for themselves!

As a couple that has and enjoys threesomes with other women, as the bisexual woman, I do not have any desire for lesbian sex with another woman. I am bisexual and enjoy the bisexual experience. My rant is the opposite of yours. I am tired of gay/bisexual women expecting me to want a lesbian experience simply because they know I am bisexual. I do not want solo lesbian experiences and I am bisexual because I enjoy bisexual experiences.

No that particular situation isn’t an issue. But that seriously never happens. Out of all people I know, I’ve met ONE person who didn’t try to convince me I was wrong about not wanting a threesome. And even if you’re respectful, it’s still rude to assume that we love group sex and love sleeping with whoever offers just because we are bi. When someone tells you they’re bisexual, your first reaction should not be “you must be great in threesomes then”.

I wouldn't jump to conclusions saying it's rude to assume though, it's simply the first thing that comes to their mind and there's no need to be offended by it. My gf is bi and we've had multiple threesomes, and she loves to know that she's "great in threesomes" as you say, so not everyone is the same and there isn't a need to be offended over someone asking. Obviously someone who is a dick about it and is forceful or maybe making jokes is an issue, but that isn't what I'm on about

Sometimes one or both of us really connects with you but our rule is to only play together. In that scrnerio a threesome/more is the only option. I/we never pressure anyone to do anything they're not completely comfortable with. Should we just not even ask?

Not entirely clear what you’re saying here but... no? It’s perfectly fine to ask sometimes based on who you’re talking to.
It’s incredibly rude if someone has just come out to you as bi, and your first reaction is to bring up threesomes. We aren’t another couple’s toy. We are still people.
And it is also incredible rude to keep pushing for one after someone says no.
So really the best time to ask someone is after talking to them for a little bit

Why would I instantly react that way? Maybe you're insanely attractive and all of your friends secretly want to sleep with you but I have a lot of bi friends we don't want to or try to sleep with. There still has to be connection and attraction. Think a lot of couples are just thirsty for mff threesomes. Sorry about your experiences. It would turn me off to the idea as well.

I’m not saying at all that you do. I’m saying IF you did, that’s not good. I’m really happy that you don’t and I really love the fact that you and your S/O are much more understanding and respectful than most people

I identify with the poly part. I Will say that the openness towards sexual innuendo and playful flirting I’ve noticed in both gay and bisexual people I’ve met, have led me to believe that the act of ‘outing’ yourself as such might alleviate some of the boundaries straight people experience towards sexuality (gouverned by social norms and standards, how you were raised and so on), because the act itself inherently involves communicating something about your sexual desires. It might be something of an outlier correlation, I’m not sure. But it is how I have come to understand it through my experience. But indeed, admittting to pursuing one sexe or the other, or both, says nothing about your willingness to have sex with more than one person at once. It only concerns the pool of people - male or female - you have the ability to feel attracted to.

As someone is is coming into her sexuality, I think this really gives some perspective. I wouldn't want anyone to feel uncomfortable. I love being freaky, but this certainly does give perspective. Keep your head up!

Not really sure where you’re pulling this from? But yeah somebody who has only experimented once or twice may not identify as bi yet. But for me personally I am a female and I have had long term relationships with a guy before and with a girl before and I’m attracted to both. I could easily see myself marrying either one someday.. sooo safe to say I’m bi lol.

Why limit yourself like that? I can understand not being into certain kinks but more that 1 person just opens up exponentially more possibilities. I'm not even that old and I'm already struggling to remain excited while pushing the frontiers of couple-only sex.

I don’t see it as limiting myself. I am more than happy with the man I’m with and we are constantly doing new things together- a threesome just isn’t one of them.
We have really good chemistry and a really good relationship that we base from so it works for us. If that’s not your thing then cool, but that doesn’t mean I’m “limiting” myself because I don’t fuck a bunch of different people at once.

I'm a total piece of shit cuz I did a lot of this stuff in previous years, yes I feel guilty for it even tho the person all this stuff happened with was a total nightmare but I overall agree with what you are saying

At best sex requires an hour or two of our time 3-4 times per week. The remainder of the time needs to be filled with activities, people, things that are meaningful to us. If we spend too many of those hours immersed in porn or fabrications of sex we are short changing ourselves, and those who might benefit from our talents/gifts. The lure of the gloryhole is simply another siren of distraction,lamentation and despair.

Lol no it doesn’t. I’ve never once done that. Maybe some do but no it doesn’t automatically mean that either. We aren’t sex machines and total horn dogs and constantly checking people out. We don’t find everyone attractive

Group sex is great, just is harder to make good than one on one because you have 2 or more people to worry about. So idk maybe you get unlucky and have a bad group experience and you associate it with it being about group sex and not the group whereas you wouldn't typically think sex is terrible because you had a bad lay.

That’s entirely not my point. Scroll through and read a bunch of comments on here. Nobody said group sex is bad. The point was it’s wrong to try to force somebody into it based on their sexual orientation.

But I don't see a reason to be naturally opposed to group sex and it's likely that whoever you're complaining about in this post doesn't either. So if you want to actually have a good outcome then you'll have to get them to understand you.

To me this whole post is about you not knowing how to explain what you want or how you feel to someone else. It doesn't even seem like you know yourself.

Any time you feel a way you can't explain that is opposite to the feelings of the person you're with, you're going to have some conflict. It's good though, because it's not at all healthy to fully accept someone else's feelings without attempting to understand them. Conversations to understand one another are not that much different from arguments.

At the end of the day, it's your decision entirely. If people start to force you, surround yourself with different people.
There are great understanding people in this world, don't let yourself be bothered by a few buttholes

Bisexual means you can be attractive to a man or a woman. I literally said in my post I like them both just not together at the same time with me.
I currently have a boyfriend, but I have had girlfriends in the past. It means I am capable of having attraction and feelings for either one. Someday I may have a husband, or I may have a wife. Our lives don’t revolve around group sex, or even the sex for that matter.. it literally means we will have a RELATIONSHIP with a man or woman based on the person.