It’s like Christmas in October

Halloween is this weekend, and I feel that it’s my duty as a CN columnist to touch on the topic because, if I don’t, then how are we ever going to get some of you to write letters to the editor?

Halloween is my favorite holiday to experience on campus. It’s got some stiff competition considering that Thanksgiving in the dining hall is actually edible and St. Patrick’s Day, or as I like to call it “The Fall Break of the Spring Semester,” is full of memorable events that no one can remember. In the end, though, All Hallows’ Eve has the best of both of those holidays, and so much more.

Let me clarify, my opinion is entirely based on the fact that I’m a man. If I were a girl I’d probably be more into Valentine’s Day or Sweetest Day or some other day where I got free chocolate. Oh wait, Halloween provides free chocolate too. So I guess it would win out regardless of my gender bias.

Christmas would be another close contender, but it happens while we’re on break. Halloween takes the place of Christmas on a college campus. For a guy Halloween is like reliving a childhood Christmas. Not seeing the connection? Allow me to elaborate.

As a kid on Christmas, guys wake up and come downstairs to see a bunch of gifts under the tree. The gifts have been wrapped in such a way to maintain as much mystery as possible. The kids are super excited about the Tonka dump-truck that came in that box with the red bow and the pack of five army soldiers from Santa Claus.

Halloween in college is eerily similar. Guys come down the stairs of a house on Warrensville and see plenty of gifts under the air ducts and broken ceiling tiles. These gifts aren’t wrapped quite as secretly–as a matter of fact they usually push the boundaries of the phrase “bare minimum”–and instead of Santa Claus, guys can thank the holiday specials at Plato’s Closet.

Opening presents on Christmas morning is something that you never forget, because Mom was there to take pictures of every gift being opened. Then she put the pics on the fridge whether it was an excited facial expression or the disappointed face a kid makes when he gets a pack of dress socks in his stocking.

On Halloween at college, there’s some girl taking a memory card’s worth of pictures, capturing all of the excited/tired/please-untag-me expressions, but she certainly isn’t Mom. Mom does not want to see these pictures. If she does see them you might have to start commuting to school. As for the Halloween equivalent of getting a pair of socks, remember how Lindsay Lohan dressed for that first Halloween party in “Mean Girls?” She might as well have been socks.

Those aren’t the only parallels though, other traditional Christmas themes can be applied to Halloween in college. For example, if you and someone else are standing under mistletoe on Christmas, then you get to kiss them. On Halloween, you don’t have to be standing under mistletoe. You can be standing under a broken light bulb and still pull off the mistletoe effect. You don’t even necessarily need to be able to stand at all, in fact it might even better your odds if you’ve reached that stage of the holiday.

There’s one thing that really proves my point that a college Halloween is the best holiday ever, and that’s a sexy elf or sexy Mrs. Claus costume. Talk about the best of both worlds, Merry Christmas and Happy Halloween!

I just hope Frank Consolo’s campaign staff doesn’t find any pictures of me from Halloween. That might ruin my chances of becoming elected the write-in mayor.