General Nicholson claims dog ate his Afghan War strategy

The commander of NATO troops in Afghanistan announced today that his dog Fluffy ate his plan for victory in the conflict before her evening walk yesterday.

Gen. John Nicholson claims that over the weekend he wrote the perfect strategy for winning the United States’ longest war. However, when Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Gen. Joseph Dunford asked him to turn it in, Nicholson confessed that the Yorkshire Terrier ate it, along with all the previous strategies developed over the past 16 years.

Nicholson says the plan would have defeated the Taliban and ISIS-affiliated groups in the country in “at most a few score fortnights,” but the seven-and-one-half pound female got into his files and devoured it at some point after playing with her favorite chew toy.

“Seriously, I thought I saved it on my desktop, but turns out all I had was that one hard copy,” said Nicholson. “If it’s any consolation, I put Fluffy in timeout for 15 minutes afterwards.”

This is not the first time in US history that major war plans were lost during extracurricular activities.

During the Vietnam War, Gen. William Westmoreland left the backpack containing his counterinsurgency strategy on the kitchen table before he got on the bus to Saigon. Later, during the Iraq War, many leaders were so busy with soccer practice and drama club that they never got past the rough drafts of their campaign plans.

“I really would have loved to get us out of there earlier,” said former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, “but my mom kept making me do chores.”

A demobilized Mobile Infantryman currently serving as Chief Cryptozoologist for the State of Rhode Island, he specializes in growing mustaches, deadlifting in silkies, and picking fights with '90s-era wrestlers.