The success of failure

With the New Year comes lots of thoughts about beginnings -trying new things, honing new behaviors, exploring different ways of looking at life.

Sometimes we stop before we even get started because we believe we won’t be successful. We’ll “FAIL” – with all the negativity and recriminations that word generates in our success driven world.

Writer, visionary artist and blogger Kellie Meisl invites us to put a different spin on this view. The thoughts she shares in this piece first appeared on the pages of Claudia Ricci’s blog,Mystorylives. Now she gifts the readers of Holistic Health with her wisdom and insight.

Last year brought some failures with it. But that is not necessarily a bad thing, in fact some of the failures have turned out to be good.

I have come to realize that sometimes by just going with the flow, letting things run their course instead of trying to be in control, a greater plan unfolds. When I can allow things to just happen without judgment or panic I can focus more on being on course as opposed to steering furiously down a path that probaby isn’t going to make things a whole lot better anyway.

Sometimes what makes things better is being the best me, right where I am planted, as opposed to seeking loftier ground when I am uncertain. I liken this to building a house; if you don’t have a strong foundation, then the building you put upon it will be unstable.

It is futile to fight failure. Failure teaches us some of the truest lessons. It knocks down our defenses, causes us to reflect and take inventory of what is important.

We can’t really know ourselves until we decide just to be with our true selves — failures and all — no covering up. Covers are masks. Failures bring us to the truest places; the vulnerability of failing awakens us from a state of being on auto pilot.

Sometimes things that we think are failures turn out to be our greatest gifts.

Case in point: me dealing with my son’s middle school years. From a parenting point of view these middle school years have been a huge challenge. In fact, on any given day, I can honestly say they have sucked.

I have drained my battery many times trying to navigate a course that definitely has an undercurrent that swamps me. Many days I would think I was preventing my son’s failure as I read the daily computer-generated reports of his missed assignments. I would then write the proper follow- up emails to teachers, then schedule meetings, trying to share my point of view as an educator turned parent, desperate to come up with some sort of plan to keep my son on track, despite his major organizational issues.

But I was one person in a system that was already operating according to a finely-tuned plan. Deadlines were deadlines, test scores were test scores, and there were no exceptions made.

Performing these tasks took so much energy, brought so much stress that it has literally made me sick. I short-circuited. I was placed on proton pump inhibitors (acid reflux medication) for three months to heal a bout of gastritis.

I blamed coffee, my doctor blamed ‘middle school.’ She listened to me spontaneously unload school stories as if they were just unimportant side notes, while at my visit to address weeks of nausea. She told me that this stress was the direct cause of the acid increase in the gut.

I took the reflux medicine home, read the slew of disturbing side effects, took them anyway, and set about to heal. After three days of worse gastric disturbances, and with a holiday party to attend, I decided not to take one the next day, vowing to return to them the following. But I did something different that day too; I listened to my gut, quite literally. I ate what made me feel good, drank what felt right and by the next morning I was feeling better. This happened again the following day so I didn’t medicate that day either. Now almost a week later I am feeling better than ever, without the medicine.

You know what else my gut told me? It told me to give in to the failure, failure to control my son’s destiny. Let him fail if he needs to, because it may be a necessary lesson for him. He needs to find his own way, I heard my gut say.

But that’s when my failure became my success. Because now I am no longer drinking acidic coffee the first thing in the morning, I have returned to the gluten-free diet that keeps me healthy and as I walk daily I listen. I listen to myself. And I hear myself say, “Let go, you are on the right course, just stay with it and love yourself along the way. The rest will fall into place.”

You know what? Releasing the pressure of fighting the inevitable, the necessary, has freed me up to be a far better mother. Who can live under the stress of going against the grain day in day out? And as if to prove my point, my dear friend, who has been following my every twist and turn, with the support of a saint and the insights of a sage, called me a few mornings ago to tell me about this dream she had of me:

She awakens within her dream, startled, looking out the window of her bedroom onto the (actual) river that runs along her home, she sees me on the water. I am at the edge of the rushing waterfall in a tan mini-van, getting ready to go over. We make eye contact and she stares at me in disbelief as I fly down the massively flowing fall. When I get to the bottom, I look up at her and smile, pumping my fist as if to say, “I made it, and I meant to do that.”

By: Kellie Meisl – January 5th, 2012

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Writer and artist Kellie Meisl, of Pittsfield, MA, keeps a blog called WALK; this piece appeared first there. She’s been one of our contributing writers previously – you may want to read “To Sleep perchance” in Holistic Health. A visual artist, she works out of waking and night dreams to produce her marvelous paintings, one of which appears on the cover of Claudia Ricci’s novel, Seeing Red.

PS – And the winner is…….Jean Mosher! If you recall, in last week’s blog ‘Just go”, I offered an autographed copy of Priscilla Warner’s book ‘Learning to Breathe” to two lucky readers for submitting their “game-changing”story. Here’s some excerpts from Jean’s note:

‘I am hoping this year will give me the spirit and energy that I would need to do some of that “life changing” that I need. 2011 was a difficult year for me starting out with moving back home here
after being gone. Adjustments aren’t always easy to make when friendships etc are involved but we all do what we have to do Being gone three years does change many things. I had established some nice friendships and it was difficult leaving them behind. I still try to keep in touch but that isn’t always easy.

Falling like I did that day in January certainly sent me spiraling “downhill”….whiplashing your entire body is very painful and slow to heal. I am still feeling a some of the ramifications still but happy to say that some of the more painful areas have healed……lucky lucky me. … I have high hopes and expectations for 2012.

I am hoping to start clearing out my head and my house……and when that happens I want to sell my house and possibly move West and be nearer to my daughter and her children. It seems
so silly for me to stay here when my family lives mid-West and West coast. The last of any dependent relatives passed away in August of 2011 and was buried in Nov…..so that was the last
of the real obligation to stay.

So that’s my hope for this year…..do more yoga, learn to mediate, clear out all useless past memories that keep me tied down and will allow all the joy in that is just waiting to explode.

So that’s my mantra for 2012…..and with God’s help it will happen.’

Way to go Jean! Congratulations and may all your dreams become realities.

Judi England

3 Responses

Thank you for sharing Kellie’s story! It’s nice to hear that I’m not the only parent suffering middle-school stress. The problem is, teachers and schools don’t want to fail students because it reflects badly on them. As a community, we need to rethink failure and realize that it’s an important part of the total learning experience.

Thanks for your comment Mary Ellen. Speaking as a parent of two grown sons (yes, I survived!) there comes a point when we must realize that each person – including our children – are choosing to make their own decisions about things. And, having made the choice, to experience the end result. Hopefully, we can prevent the really dangerous slips. Kahlil Gibran wrote that “He who has children gives hostages to fate”. So true. Peace to you in the New year.

Mary Ellen, I hear you, this is a very difficult period in education to have a middle schooler, isn’t it? I am happy to say failed/missed assignments have not translated to overall failure, and the letting go seems to have put my son in the driver’s seat. So tricky to keep a balance! Hang in there!

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