From the journal of life – Sweet, Spicy and at times bitter..

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After Pari was born, I called up our relatives to share the launch of a baby girl into our family.
“Aunty, we have a baby girl now”.
“Congrats. So how fair is she? Fairer than you? As fair as Sayf?”

They did not bother to as about my health or the baby’s. They did not want to know how the labor went. They did not care to ask whether Sayf saw the baby or how are things at the hospital or at least what we have named her or at the least who she looks like. But ‘being fair’ was important.

Oh yes!! I have seen a lot of this. I am a victim of tanned skin, and this was one of the primary reasons for my delayed marriage. My education, qualification, job or salary did not matter, nor my character or family background or personality mattered. All that mattered was fairness?!?!?!? Actually I have found darker people than me, but men saw only people who are fairer than me 🙂 :).

And when a ‘fairer’ Sayf fell for a ‘darker’ me, my mother showed her first sign of relief, “I’m happy that at least your children will be fairer”. What??!?!?

This is not just my case. ‘Dark skinned girls’ are considered ugly.

Back in high school, when a fair girl was befriended by a darker one, the guys referred them as Beast and the Beautiful. With great pain and effort, our friend’s circle made it ‘Bold and the Beautiful’. What people do not realize is that these harsh comments hurt their fathoms deepest emotions and sometimes become a reason to lose their self confidence.How unfair!!

How much ever I argue, degree of fairness is very important in India. For the same reason, skin lightening agents and fairness creams have gained huge popularity in Indian markets.

“When complexion gives you a headache and then plants seeds of jealousy and depression,it was Kajol who came to rescue me.She taught me that fair skin and threaded eyebrows are not necessary for being beautiful.It is the cleanliness of your mind and your energy level that makes you look beautiful”,Bhavia mentions about Kajol in 5 women I like.

Kajol and Nanditha Das are my favorite’s too. They are talented actors and very beautiful than a lot of other fair skinned heroines.They are towards the darker tone, but still have a huge adulation and fan following. It’s the same man-crowd who reject dark-skinned females, when it comes to wedding. So reel life can have black beauties while real life can’t?

And why doesn’t a man get rejected during a marriage proposal for being dark? Is it because the girl and her family are more sensible? Or is it the man’s job and woman’s fairness that together leads to a successful married life?

Fairness is closely related only to women, esp. Indian women. As usual, here is another inequality our dear society has shown to women on this line. They call men dark and handsome, but women can be beautiful only if they are fair.

On another note, have a look at the definition and Antonym of ‘fair’ in thesaurus. No comments!!!

They say a family would run smooth only if the woman in the family knows to manage well. So I set off to find out how wives are expected to balance the string of family lives.

“For that you need to be a balanced-wife“, says a few. So what is a balanced wife?

If the wife gets up early in the morning, she “always runs away from the bed and puts him in second priority to the house hold”. If the wife doesn’t get up early, she “is too lazy and neglects the family”.

If the wife makes good tea, “it is just her routine”. If the wife doesn’t make good tea or breakfast for one day, she “is a bad cook”.

If the wife has to leave home early for work, she “doesn’t need to earn us a living. Family should be first”. If the wife goes late to work or comes back late from work, she “is a bad manager of time”. If the wife comes back early from work, she “has no big role there at office”.

If the wife buys a shirt for the husband from her salary, she “wastes a lot of money on dress”.

If the wife doesn’t like a dress that her in-laws choose, she “has no dressing sense”.

If the wife reminds you to pay the bill, “I know to do things”. If the payment goes beyond due date, “You should not have forgotten”.

If the wife asks for help in the kitchen, “it is your duty. If you can’t manage with just two of us, how will you manage when we have children?”

If the wife has a back pain and asks for a small massage, “Can’t u see that am busy?”

If the wife argues, she is arrogant. If she does not respond to an argument, she is irritating.

If she questions, she acts too smart.

If she cries, she is over-sentimental. If she cant tell why she did so, she is unreasonable

If the shirt is not ironed on time, “she doesn’t know to do things properly”.

If the clothes are not folded for a day, “she cant keep the house clean”.

If the children get low grades, “she is doesn’t take proper care”.

If her parents does not see his’ during a function, then “they purposefully avoided”. If his parents do the same, “Why should they go to her parents? It is they who should come and pay respect to the guys’?

If her parents give a visit without acknowledgement, “they are so informal”. If his parents do the same but unfortunately there is no one at her home, “they don’t give us importance”.

If her mother’s sister’s daughter’s in-law is getting married, not only his parents, but his father’s sister’s husband’s parents have also to be invited, else “they do not know to treat the guy’s family properly”.

This society who knows only to question, disdain & contempt the girls, wives, daughter-in-laws & mothers and believes that women and her needs could be neglected, compels me to derive at the conclusion that the expectation from the so called balanced wife is this..One who successfully takes care of the family (big or small) the way they want, attend to all their needs, satisfy all of them, follow their rules, be answerable to all their questions, be submissive throughout and accept any mental or physical piercing moment in silence…. Irrespective of whether she slept the previous night, Irrespective of whether she had something for tea, Irrespective of when she has to leave or come back from work, Irrespective of how her day at office was, Irrespective of whether she is healthy or not, Irrespective of whether she is respected or cared for, Irrespective of what she earns, Irrespective of whether her own life is balanced or not….

PRECISELY, A BALANCED WIFE IS ONE WHO IS AWARE OF THE RIGHTS OF THE HUSBAND AND HIS FAMILY. A BALANCED WIFE SHOULD ALSO BE AWARE OF THE RESPONSIBILITIES OF THE WIFE AND HER FAMILY.

Huh!!

When will be the time when they lay rules for the men?

When will be the time when they stop blaming and start helping?

When will be the time when they learn that respect is give and take?

When will be the time when they learn to appreciate wives and mothers for what they do?

When will be the time when they learn that a smooth family is the result of teamwork?

When will be the time when they learn that women have to be treated like humans if not equals?

I just left Pari at the daycare and parked my car next to the ATM next to our office. The security looked sad. My overwhelmingly generous nature (which makes me easily gullible) created the urge to unnecessarily involve in his sorrow and so did I. He was put off as his wife had an accident at the kitchen this morning. While draining rice from the steaming hot cooker, the rice water had fallen on her. In spite of his request for taking her to the hospital, the higher officials ordered to be on the spot and maintain the timings.

The highly viscous starch water accidents are quite common and extremely dangerous. Being aware of the same, I felt so helpless. Obviously, I couldnt accompany as Fareiba was at day care. I offered him a few hundred rupee notes and my car key. He did not take my car (Phew!!Atleast my petrol was saved), but has now come back for more money.

Like how my house maid’s son got chicken pox, the genuineness behind this story too is unknown. But as a matter of fact, people take advantage of me and my congeniality. After reading Bhavia’s job collars, I realize that there are a lot of people like me who are being used.

I was under the impression that being tender-hearted and altruistic, would make me happy at the end. But looks like the society will not allow me to be so. Being bold and realistic,is what it demands…

However, I told him that am ready to pay the cash, but this time with a difference.I asked him bills for authenticity!! Lets see if he comes back tomorrow.

Am not sad anymore about today 🙂

But am sure I would be helpless and listen to him or someone else who comes up with another sad saga tomorrow.

I wonder why I can’t simply ignore them and walk away. I wonder why I can’t maintain the proper distance. I wonder why am like this regardless of being used again and again. I wonder why I can’t change. Hope I will learn it the hard way and change some day. Or is it really I who need to change?