There is an election coming up. As a devout capitalist I realized that the best way to move these awesome stickers was to write a post detailing the political platform of our eloquent candidate Wendell T. Manatee of the Libertarian Space Cowboy Revolution Party* (as heard about in the Adventures of Tom Stranger, Interdimensional Insurance Agent, available on Audible.com or in Target Rich Environment).

* warning, the LSCRP may not exist in your dimension. If you in a dimension stuck with squishy republicans and lame democrats, sucks to be you. But you can still buy an awesome sticker.

Aquatic-American, CFO of CorreiaTech, former Ghost of Christmas Future, and decorated veteran of the Deep War, Wendell T. Manatee is currently running for the senate in Florida. So I sat down with Wendell (well, he was floating in his tank) to interview him about the hot button issues of the day. I did my best to translate his answers from majestic manatee into boring old English.

What do you think about the budget?

Manatees are known for their fiscal responsibility. Cut everything. They are called budget cuts because they are supposed to hurt. If they didn’t hurt, they would be called budget tickles or something.

Taxes?

Taxes are stupid. Keep as much of your money as you can. Spend it on lettuce or Xbox. Wendell does not care.

Gun Control?

From my cold dead flippers. (when I asked this question, Wendell just chuckled and showed me that his tank was fitted with a nuclear powered plasma cannon).

Social Security?

Why would you trust your retirement to the one entity in the universe which couldn’t turn a profit on a legal whorehouse? Foolish land mammals.

Immigration?

Immigration is great when it’s legal. Make the process more efficient. Just not dolphins. Dolphins can go to hell. Those guys are the worst.

Healthcare?

I’m not fat. I just have a protective layer of blubber because I live in the ocean. Mostly I have to watch out for speed boats. I’ve actually got great cholesterol.

How? I just watched you eat a fifty pound tub of Cheetos? No, I meant the Affordable Care Act.

Oh that? Obamacare was really dumb. I warned you that your premiums would go way up for crappier insurance, but nobody wanted to listen to the professional finance mammal.

Defense?

Stay off my lawn.

You live in the ocean. You don’t have a lawn.

It’s an idiom. It means I am very nice to everyone and will leave them alone, but if you mess with me, I will blow up your house.

Sounds legit. What about the unsubstantiated allegations that you had an inappropriate relationship with a lady manatee back in 1987?

Bitch be crazy.

What do you think about how even though we are talking about a part of the world where there are no good guys, just degrees of bad guy, and Saudi Arabia has been our “ally” under Trump, Obama, Bush, Clinton, and Bush, their current prince is trying to drag their country kicking and screaming into the 1950s, by going against hard core fundamentalists who disagree with his “non-traditional” policies like letting women drive or not blowing up Jews, so even though he’s been disappearing his terrorism supporting relatives for the last couple of years, his recent ham fisted murder of a Muslim Brotherhood supporting journalist in Turkey, has caused America’s democrats to want us to all of a sudden declare war on Saudi Arabia?

That was one long ass question.

Well, it’s kind of complicated. I did kind of write a book about this exact sort of thing.

(ponderous shrug) If the Washington Post didn’t want their reporters to get murdered by Saudi secret police, then maybe they shouldn’t hire reporters who got an I Heart Osama Bin Laden tattoo on their butt?

What do you think about all the left wing outrage over NPC memes?

Didn’t you write a movie review a couple of weeks ago because they were calling everyone who disagreed with them a Russian Bot?

Just put the sticker on a magnetic heat vent cover. They sell them at Home Depot. They’re soft enough to cut with scissors, and instantly magnetize a sticker.
It’s how I put on all of my bumper stickers.

It is my understanding (from paying many thousands of dollars to people who do auto body work) that, strictly speaking, it’s not the bumpers that are made of plastic. Technically, those are bumper covers. The actual bumpers are the metal things underneath.

Okay, I’m in. Wendell has my vote. I don’t suppose there’s any way that he can serve as both senator from Florida and Governor of Colorado, is there? Because we need someone to apply a a large and powerful flipper to the head of Jared Polis. Not enough to harm him, just enough to give him a Gibbs slap he’ll remember.

On the subject of the Saudis, I understand what you’re saying, but I actually think Trump was right when he said they did the worst cover-up job in the history of cover-ups. I understand that everyone in that part of the world does awful things, but they need to give the US at least some plausible deniability. If they start flying their “We’re dismembering journalists” flag, the US is going to have to start treating them like they dismember journalists.

Foreign governments absolutely should dismember communist foreign national journalists when said journalists are on foreign soil.

State officials who are all “we shouldn’t work with such regimes” are a bunch of hypocrites. State officials work on condition of supporting the official party line of the US Government. That should be used to force them to either praise an evil but useful foreign government, or to denounce the Democratic Party.

I was able to watch about half of one episode. I will simply say that I do not grasp the appeal, and leave it at that. But then that’s true of just about anything on television going back at least twenty years.