This is not a question that I ever thought I would be asked. It sure isn’t a question that has an easy understandable answer for a 10 year old that loved her only sister with all of her heart. When does the heartache stop? When do the tears stop flowing? Probably never……

In our eyes it is so hard for us to understand why our daughter was so obsessed with her bio family. So obsessed that she didn’t want us any more. More than my heart breaking it hurts more than anything having to hold our youngest daughter while she cries herself to sleep because she misses her sister so much.

Why does it have to be so hard? I thought adoption was supposed to be happy….. Don’t get me wrong there are many many happy moments but with any adoption there is heartbreak. Some more heartbreak than others.

Did God make her leave? No He didn’t. We were not His first plan for her. We were His alternate plan for her because her mom failed to take care of her the way she should have. It was His plan since the first plan didn’t work for us to have her. Satan lies, cheats, tricks us and whatever else he can do to cause us to make the wrong choices in life unlike God who loves us and allows us to make our own choices. God will not force us to make the right choice. The Holy Spirit is with us to encourage us but so many times we just don’t listen. So no sweetie she made her own choice to leave us because she wanted her bio family more.

I am thankful that she was our daughter even though my heart is breaking. We were able to give her a firm foundation in God’s word. We were able to train her up in the way of the Lord and one day she will return not only to the Lord but to us……..

Here I go again…….I really have had good intentions of writing, but it sure has been busy around here. So I am usually busy or to tired. I am not able to get my lap top out very often and the one time I did my 12 year old tried to break it….again. Just as I thought I might have a minute to write my time just got very limited.

I have an older blog about walking on egg shells and that is how we live……EVERYDAY!!! If I make a mistake and do something wrong or out of order then our son explodes. The problem with that is I make countless mistakes and it doesn’t matter what it is. Any little thing is huge.

Thankfully it is summer and we get to sleep in on most days, but my alarm goes off at 5:15 am for my husband to go to work and he leaves at 6 am and after that my alarm is set to go off every 30 minutes to check on my son. When he moves we get up. Then most of the day is one battle after another. I definitely pick my battles and let many things go, but it is still one battle after another. Many days until bed time.

The good news is…..LOL. Every night he makes the decision that tomorrow is going to be a great day. Some days he makes it 30 minutes before he doesn’t get his way about something. Some days he don’t make it 5 minutes.

More good news is he can control it. We were going out of town and he was going to stay with a friend because of his behavior. He straightened up really fast. He barely got in trouble for anything and when he did he took his consequence like he should. So he went with us. He was great until we were on our way home and then it began again. It is great that he can control his behaviors because there was a time when he was younger that he couldn’t control it.

Now the hard part……

What do you do when you have a child that is almost 13 that says you are not his boss and he will not do what you tell him to do because he is going to do what he wants?

What to you do when the same child spits in your face?

What do you do when the same child tells you to shut up ________ _________?

What do you do when same child tells you he is going to kill you with a butcher knife?

There are more questions that I could ask, but I think you get the picture.

Ok one more…….

What do you do when a treatment center isn’t an option? We know that a treatment center will cause more damage. Ask any parent that has a child that has RAD. Then our son is even more complicated because he has other issues besides the RAD.

The answer to all of these questions is you pray. You read the Bible and you pray, and then you read your Bible and pray some more. You go to church to draw strength and you have family prayer at home and you press in.

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

There are times that I send out a SOS because I need extra help right then. Without fail God always hears me cry for help. I always feel peaceful…….BUT why do I wait to send out an SOS when I’m at the end of my rope. Yes I put on my whole armor every morning and yes I pray and read the word.

Matthew 11:28-30

28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

Most people when they look at it would say that they see a black dot. The black dot is very small compared to all of the white that is on it yet o one seems to notice that. That is how it is in our lives. All of the bad things stand out and we tend to forget about all of the good things that happen. I have both hands raised up as being guilty. We have so many good times but sometimes we get lost in all of the drama that surrounds us.

Recently I started getting the Facebook memories. They are really cool but, since our daughter is no longer living with us they also bring me to tears. At the same time I will read something and it reminds me that even though we had a lot of rough roads that we had a lot of good memories too. Like yesterday I read that as our oldest son was cleaning the fish tank and was pouring water back into it our daughter hollered at him that he was going to drown the fish.

We have many many good times. Sometimes it just gets lost in all of the mud and sometimes it seems like the whole page is black but, then like reading the Facebook memories it’s really only a small dot compared to the whole page. When I started my blog I wrote mainly about my kids that seem to give us the most grief because I hope to reach out and help someone that is going through what we are going through. I don’t want to forget about all of the good times either so I will start blogging more about the rest of the crew as well. With that being said I may sound like I am up and down but, it will just be me as usual. Things are always up and down here…….lol

Like this:

Waaaaaa Waaaaaa says my 11 year old. Whine whine whine……does he know anything else??? Lol I told him I was writing about him and he actually smiled. He don’t believe me. I told him for the rest of the night I am going to write about what he does so the world (ok a few readers) will read all about it…….

You need to go to your room for a little while. WHY???? Because you won’t mind. Whaaaaat???? Whyyyyyyy??? I’ll do what I’m told…I’ll do what I’m told….I’ll do what I’m told…..I’ll do what I’m told…..maybe if I answer him he will stop…..lol nope that didn’t work…… Do I have to stay there all day….do I have to stay there all day…..do I have to stay there all day…..maybe if I answer him he will stop…..Lol nope…..So finally I try to explain to him that since it is 2:31 pm in order for him to stay in his room all day then we would have to rewind time and start today all over but, I can tell you this….if you don’t go then you CAN stay in your room all day tomorrow……as I look up from the computer guess who is still here. Wow you are so smart. You are exactly right…..now he’s reading what I am writing and he said what I have to stay in my room all day tomorrow? I said yes and he said but you only said I had to if I didn’t go to my room……Uh ok so your point is??? You do realize that you are still standing here….Right????

I stopped writing on my blog because our daughter regressed and our world fell a part once again. The reason I started blogging was because I wanted to offer people hope. I was able to blog about how our kids were healing and doing good.

When she regressed I felt like I could no longer offer hope.

Not all adoptions works out. We do the best we can. We pour our heart and soul into our children but try as we may we cannot force them to make the right choices. I never thought I would be in the place that we are in today. I never thought we would disrupt an adoption. I thought we would go to the end. Sometimes that end is not up to us. Sometimes we just have no choice.

I know in my heart that we did all we could do. Bottom line is that our daughter wants to live with her bio sister. I don’t blame her for wanting that. I wasn’t about to give up on her though ……RIGHT……. so she forced us to. We weren’t safe whether it was physical attacks or making false investigations she knew what she wanted and pulled out all of the stops.

As of today our daughter is once again in foster care. Her bio sister will have her home opened so she can go live with her. When our daughter is ready I will be here for her but until then I have to let go. She lived with us for 9 years. I know that we taught her right and I know that the time she spent with us she learned how to pray and how to read her Bible and serve God. She also learned to have empathy and remorse. Even if all of that was thrown out the door I still know that it is there.

Tonight I have cried buckets of tears but at the same time I am relieved. No parent should have to go through this. So now it’s time for our family to start healing. God is with us and will help us.

Like this:

I keep losing my post so this is going to be even shorter and I’ll try again tomorrow. Please go to our page and like it. If you have stories to share about what RAD reactive attachment disorder means to you please share. We need this to spread and we need to educate people. It’s time for changes to be made. They are listening to us……

I always try to post something positive on here because we have so much negative in our lives as it is and we want to lift y’all up and encourage you. We still have our struggles even with all of the good so today I am going to give you a glimpse of one of our struggles. I know that it is going to improve. So you can follow me on our journey with our 10 year old……..

Jordan came two live with us when he was only 2 and a half years old. We were his 5th placement in 5 months. He was a head banger, he would bite himself, scratch and pinch himself and pull his hair out……

When he was in the first grade his behavior was worse. He was put in the behavior class and from there we put him in UAMS Children’s Diagnostic Center which was a 10-15 day program where they take them completely off their meds and dx them……they never got him completely off his meds and he was there for 45 days and left a team of doctors and therapists shaking their heads. Of course that made him worse. He was sent to the intensive behavior school. Which made him worse. He was 6 years old and I was looking for a rtc because I couldn’t handle him.

When school got out his behavior completely changed. So I decided to homeschool him. He didn’t even know his ABC’s because he was in a constant rage…..homeschooling has gone great. He stopped raging. Until…….my husband had his wreck 2 years later……and leaving him he regressed…..as it went on he regressed more and more……

So here we are two years later…..issues with the wreck are over and I know longer have to leave him. He has improved a little but is still very violent and destructive. The hole in the wall is because I was busy and he wasn’t minding so I put him in his room and turned the alarm on so we would know if he came out….so the hole was so he wouldn’t set the alarm off……

So here we go……looking forward to the day I can say he has healed like our oldest son Frankie……