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Monday, December 27, 2010

Monday, December 27, 2010

Ok, here's the thing: we were totally gonna do an all-new, exciting, hilariously intelligent post on Kwanzaa today. However, it turns out there are no new Kwanzaa wrecks to be found, exciting or otherwise.

Well, except maybe this one:

Which isn't all that exciting. And is probably a Hanukkah wreck anyway.

So, as a "compromise" (read "lazy"), we've decided to take another look at last year's doozie of a Kwanzaa catastrophe made by the one and only Sandra Lee. Think of it as one of those really uncomfortable yearly traditions. Like when Aunt Janet gets drunk on Goldschläger at "Winterfest" and hits on Father Jenkins. Yeah. Kinda like that.

Now, to refresh your memories, this is the wreck:

As you can see, it really captures the essence of Kwanzaa: family, community, culture, and corn nuts. It's all there.

And in case you want to make your own, here's a handy diagram courtesy of One Horse Shy breaking down the ingredient list for you:

Mmmmm.

Ok, now that we're fully primed and prepped, let's watch Sandra Lee work her magic:

Right...I've recovered from the shock that Sandra Lee is a "real" person who has a "real" cooking show and means this "seriously." I'm ready now for the next horror - has anybody ever tried to EAT this monstrosity?

I cannot get through that video without gagging. There was a time in my life when store bought angel food cake and a bag of frozen strawberries constituted dessert. *shudder* But this Kwanzaa cake really puts me over the edge. It's like she fully created a cake from whatever she found on the shelves at the grungy gas station across town.

I don't know what kwanzaa is (and will look it up in a minute), but I actually went to see who Sandra Lee is. I thought that was a joke - no way does that count as cooking/baking something. "Gluing something together" at best. And it doesn't even look yummy.

So glad we're going to move out of NY State, with her about to become our first Lady!!!The Hanukah cake isn't any better. I grew up with a Jewish mother, 1) Marshmallows are usually not Kosher and 2) that doesn't look like ANY star of David I've ever seen before!Seriously, tell me she's not drinking!

OK, store bought angel food cake is gross. Canned frosting is...gross, but honestly it's a few orders of magnitude LESS gross than fondant (which y'all think is fine...something I will never understand. Fondant is far nastier than canned frosting). Apple pie filling from a can is kinda gross. Corn nuts on a cake are, of course, thoroughly horrifying.

But.

Take off the candles, bake your own angel food cake, make your own chocolate cinnamon buttercream frosting and maybe cook down your own Granny Smiths with cinnamon and sugar, and leave off the nasty seeds and nuts (and take away the candles and don't call it a "Kwanzaa Cake") and it would be totally OK.

Better than gross wedding cake made with fondant anyhow.

WV: picat. If someone served me this cake I'd take off the nuts and picat the rest, while drinking bourbon.

I don't think that Sandra Lee and Andrew Cuomo are actually married, so technically speaking, she won't be the "First Lady" of New York. More like the "First Girlfriend." So she won't have any official position or duties, which is good. But I did read the following horrifying quote from the Daily Post:

Lee, a Food Network host and author who boasts a product line, did say last year she'd bring her creative cuisine to the executive mansion.

"I will cook. And do you know what I'm going to bring when I get to the governor's mansion? Great garnishes."

This clip still cracks me up. I can't see Sandra Lee on Food Network and not think of this clip and Cake Wrecks. It's kind of a nice association for me because it always makes me laugh. Then, if someone doesn't know about the Kwanaza cake, I pull up the clip for them.

I sort of like this tradition.

Corn nuts, lol! She keeps calling them acorns? Did somebody just mess with her and tell her they were acorns?

I now understand why, in every episode, she has to make a cocktail. She's perpetually drunk! She needs to keep the blood alcohol content up. It's the only thing that could explain some of her creations. And why she has a TV show is beyond me.

The home ec teacher at the junior high where I teach has our 12-year-olds doing more sophisticated stuff than this. I love the "specific" directions: "Take a 'nice' amount of frosting....." Is that opposed to a "rude" amount of icing?

This reminds me of a discussion about the Food Network I had with some friends about a year ago. We were talking specifically about people who take culinary arts classes that think, "I can cook better than these guys." But, while there's plenty of genuine culinary talent on the Food Network (I assume; I don't have TV to check myself), the people on there are on TV because they're entertaining first and can cook second, if at all. That's just how TV works.

And entertainment-wise, Sandra Lee here is, quite frankly, hilarious. I swear, if this show was conscious of the potential, it would almost be enough to threaten the top of satire involving culinary arts. Which I believe is Swift's A Modest Proposal.

We'll know they've realized that potential once Sandra Lee shows us how to make one of those darling Confederate flag-beer can-bullet shell wedding cakes, so keep me posted on that.

You know, there are larger candles; what about some nice four-foot tapers? Or skip the apple glop, fill the center with molten wax and stick a wick in it. Better still, fill the center with cherry bombs.

I like how easily she cuts it at the end. That is either the world's sharpest knife, that cake had been around awhile prior to being defiled or all that frosting stiffened it up enough to cut that way.

I was disappointed to see that she left out the part about spending an hour cleaning excess frosting off the cake plate prior to inflicting this mess on innocent guests. That is as much a part of the Sandra Lee experience as anything else.

First Girlfriend of New York? So we can look forward to 'statescapes'. (Please keep her away from the Statue of Liberty and the Brooklyn Bridge.) Someone had better alert the crepe paper manufacturers to go to round-the-clock production immediately. Prepare for a nationwide angel food cake and frosting shortage...

Horrifying. Absolutely horrifying.Anyone else who's as amused and scared by Sandra Lee as I am, go read Jordan Baker's reviews of her magazine at jordanbaker.blogspot.com. It gets worse than this cake. Much, much worse.

Now let me preface this by saying I am a loyal Cake Wrecks fan who reads EVERY day BUT.....

I LOVE SANDRA LEE and I am tired of all the Sandra bashing. I own a cupcake business so I consider myself a cake professional. 99% of the things she makes most closely resemble the way I cook for my family. I work 2 jobs and I have a husband and son. I don't have the time to cook like Ina Garten or Bobby Flay. The way Sandra cooks may be looked down upon by foodies and other snobs but what she does is most applicable to the busy working mom. Watch something of hers other than the holiday cakes or cocktail time and you will find awesome slow cooker recipes, easy one pot meals and other nice recipes to serve your family without abandoning them to slave in the kitchen. Also, her food is relatively affordable. She doesn't make you buy 400 spices when you can buy a seasoning packet that contains what you need for 75 cents. I love you Jenn and John but PLEASE lay off of Sandra.

This is the first comment I have ever left. Now being an aid cakewrecks lover, I thought I was going to be entertained, not disgusted when I saw today's post. 1. They should have never let someone so clueless about Kwanzaa make a Kwanzaa cake. 2. I think she is possibly one of the most ignorant people on this planet. As a woman of color, and a friend to Jews everywhere, I shudder at this AND the other "holiday" cakes she has made. p.s. One of the great things about Kwanzaa is the focus on things that are homemade. She must have been told an hour before the taping that she was doing this Kwanzaa cake.. And on top of everything else, that sounds like it tastes DISGUSTING! She really knows how to Wreck 'em!!

Like most other tv chefs, she has a staff of recipe writers. The story behind this cake is pretty funny. I got this cookbook for Christmas this year, too. Kind of hilarious as a gift. :)http://www.huffingtonpost.com/denise-vivaldo/kwanzaa-cake-sandra-lee-hanukkah-cake_b_797165.html

Acorns? First of all, who eats acorns? Secondly, does she really think those corn nuts are acorns? And finally, who puts corn nuts on a cake? (Well, besides Sandra Lee I guess.) Hope no one breaks a tooth on that cake.

The article that goes along with the video, from the woman behind the scenes, was precious.

If this is what we have to look forward to as decorating taste in the governor's mansion, I may now have a reason to be happy that I'm going blind.

My husband thinks that with her abilities and the addition of the alcohol, she'll be perfect for Gracie Mansion.

I'm sorry, but even a working mom, with little access to ingredients, has to have a bit more sense than to follow the directions she gives and should be able to make a less monstrous disaster. As one of those mentioned - working, single mom - I put a lot better things on my childen's table even while I worked full time, went to college nights and weekends, and had two children under the age of 4.

If she's on the network for the entertainment value alone -- she succeeds. If we're really supposed to think she's a great cook -- Epic Fail.

Since others have covered everything I would have said about the Sandra Lee Kwanzaa cake, I just wanted to relay my three-year-old's reaction to your logo. I was showing the kids some of my favorite wrecks, when he looked at the top of the screen and said, "What. The. HECK? Babies in the water floating on huge carrots? That is SO weird!"

Acorns or Corn Nuts? I could have sworn when I seen this video last year Sandra Lee said Corn Nuts. After watching this video again... she said acorns. Did they try fixing it so it sounded like less of a wreck?

Secondly, no matter how trademarked the phrase "Corn Nuts" may be, you don't arbitrarily substitute the name of a POISONOUS item instead. Would not "chestnuts" (non poisonous) have worked just as well? Not to mention: "crunchy corn thingys", or"dried maize tooth breakers"; we all would have known what she meant. God help the poor soul who sees this video travesty and actually puts acorns on the cake, as they will rapidly end up in the hospital. Thirdly, Denise Vivaldo wrote a hilarious piece for the Huffington Post (which has now been removed) which takes credit for creating this and other recipes for Sandra Lee, as well as how it was to deal with her, etc, etc. Hilarious. Perhaps if we beg, she will repost the article elsewhere. Tears of laughter were running down my cheeks with almost as much velocity as when I watched the original offending video.

I have nothing aginst Sandra Lee when it comes to tailgate foods or appetizers, but her desserts are horrific. I have made a lot of her stuff over the last few years and they taste great, but these things she does to angel food cake just make my brain scream. You may have to skimp back on things like meat in lean times, but the dessert for the holidays is what people look forward to for the spectacular and the flavors... A can of frosting on an angel food cake (just for the record just fine on its own with some fresh fruit and real whipped cream) with non-food stuff on top creeps me out. Sandra, PLEASE LEAVE DESSERT ALONE!

Okay, I've gone through some seriously weird hormonal cravings, but I have NEVER thought that chocolate and apple pie filling (from a can??? Ugh!) go together. The thought of those flavors combined turns my stomach!

I managed to unearth a cached version of the confession of the woman who actually made up that recipe: http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:KMPGdQ3BGJYJ:workrelatedworkstuff.appspot.com/www.huffingtonpost.com/denise-vivaldo/kwanzaa-cake-sandra-lee-hanukkah-cake_b_797165.html+denise+vivaldo+confession&cd=18&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=us

I'm not sure why HuffPo took down the article; maybe Sandra Lee came after them, threatening to feed them this cake...

I used to eat acorns as a child (hey, I left the kindergarten paste for the more mundane children....). They're bitter. Really bitter. And we all know what corn nuts taste like. Who in their right mind would put either of these on an angel food cake???!!! Even pumpkin seeds are pretty questionable on sweet frosting.Ugh.

I used to watch her show as a great comic relief after a hectic day, but now I just watch in shock and horror. I knew she was a functioning alcoholic, but when she signed an advertising deal with Smirnoff, it all made sense. After I've had too much to drink some food combinations sound so much better than they really are.

"Add the chocolate and the cinnamon to the icing. You will get an incredible chocolate cinnamon flavour!"Really?? I thought it would taste like rainbows...Since anyone can have a tv show, I would like mine now.

You know the sad thing? People don't just watch the show (for the laughs, I guess...) but somebody actually buys the books.

I hope her target market is bored, lazy, rich housewives. But I have this image in my head of a single parent, working 120 hours a week and still unable to afford fresh food or childcare, who buys the book thinking "Well, maybe the older kids can help the younger kids make these." It just makes too much sense.

I hope the situation is less like that, and more like here in Australia, where all the marketing is towards "fresh ingredients" and a book like that would never sell because we're all food snobs.

Hmmm... Acorns = seed of Oak tree. Corn nuts = crunchy baked hominy (corn). Neither one would be good on a cake. But now we all know how to make that ever elusive "grey" icing. This is what happens when very blonde, very white women try to do Kwanzaa. For some reason my mother loves her... Of course my mother can't cook.

The person who called this "hate crime on a plate" summed it up the best. Sandra Lee might (possibly, although personally I doubt it) have some redeeming qualities, but her holiday cakes are downright offensive.

BTW, the Governor of New York does NOT live in Gracie Mansion -- that's where the MAYOR of New York City lives.

If vomit could take on the form of a cake, it would look like that. Her "amazing" cocoa-cinnamon frosting made me want to gag... and that filling! Of course, the giant candles on top bring the thing from terrible to hilariously terrible.

If I had to fake some acorns in a pinch I would use hazelnuts. They are acorn-shaped, taste good with chocolate, and are available around the holidays. Of course, I have some common sense.

Seriously, I don't know how some of these cooking shows stay on the air. I went to my parents' for Christmas and they get channels I don't get. So we were watching some cooking shows and some were very nice. There was one lady, though- it wasn't Sandra- whose idea of a holiday dessert was sticking donut holes on a styrofoam tree. Classy. Then she grilled some lovely steaks, but then covered them with some gross crabmeat paste. They finished up by decorating real leaves with red glitter. That's what mother nature forgot- the glitter.

Another lady was a health-food nut, and there were so many seeds, grains, dried fruits, legumes, cruciferous vegetables, etc. in her version of the holiday meal, it looked like the only things she left out were bark and twigs. I would have been in the bathroom for the next three days.

I am trying to figure out the answer to several different questions right now. 1. Is she for real? 2. Who would put corn nuts and pumpkin seeds on a cake? 3. Did that just happen? 4.Does anyone watch this and think "OH! That looks wonderful! I must make that immediately!"

Well, maybe it's better that she just uses pre-made stuff from the store. She thinks that that itty bitty cap on top of the vanilla extract bottle (I'm sure she uses the artificial stuff) is equivalent to a *teaspoon*... (it's clearer from some of her other videos on YouTube--but she does the same thing here).

Thank God for Sandra Lee! She makes it so I never want to eat dessert again. Maybe that will be the start of a new weight loss diet. Any time you want dessert, you have to watch several Sandra Lee dessert videos. Gah!

Oh Catherine... I appreciate the plight of the busy, working mother but I can't ever support eating that much processed food. This isn't even a foodie issue. It's a health and well being issue. There are plenty of easily made, not disgusting meals out there. I know. I'm busy and only have a small amount of motivation to cook. So, please, for the sake of yourself and your family, check into it and shut off the Sandra!

And I thought that the Chanukah cake presentation was bad...!I don't think that chocolate and apples go together very well, but she wasn't actually using enough cocoa for it to matter much. Real chocolate frosting isn't gray---hers looks sort of like the caulking that we use around the window frames in the winter for insulation.

For those who have posted to support her usual efforts, are you saying that this concoction is not her norm? In which case, how do you explain such a grouping of awful junk ingredients together into one insulting cake? It's good enough for those who celebrate Kwanzaa?

I have laughed at so many awfully made cakes on this site, but this one filled me with disgust. She should be ashamed of herself.

Carrie Penny - I think you're right. Some of her stuff is awesome (and easy).Her desserts scare me though. I like my angel food cake store bought (I'm not skilled enough to homemake) and with nothing on it.I don't watch her show at all, but I applaud creativity when it says "Crap, I have to do something in an hour for viewers - what do I have on hand??"(Or, usually in my kitchen - crap the kids are hungry and I don't have time for the store or money to eat out, what do I have on hand?)

@Ringleader, she's using cocoa powder (basic-unsweetened chocolate goodness)which is what some people use to make "real" hot chocolate, not ready to use drinking cocoa like Swiss Miss (which is pre-sweetened and includes powdered milk).

HOWEVER. In defense of the First Girlfriend of New York and her recipe-writing ghostwriter, I know everyone is mocking the size of the Kwanzaa candles, but I dare you all to find smaller Kwanzaa candles. (Kinaras holders aren't easy to come by either.)

How did she have no idea how horrible those cakes were? Actually, it makes sense when you think about the fact that she has no talent for cake making. She has no business trying to pass those cakes off as professional. Look at the horrible goopey icing! The ridiculous candles! the CORN NUTS?! and that star of david... just.. wow. And her use of canned pie filling.. Just wasn't right. You need a special touch for canned filling to work with a cake. I have an incredibly delicious Peach Cobbler cake that I use pie filling for, and literally everybody loves it. I'm always asked to make it for holidays and I always have to make two because they get eaten so fast... I can't imagine anyone ever wanting ONE of her cakes, let alone two!

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A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

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