Today You Are a Man
[ Season 6 | Episode: 5 ]

Sorry Liz. I had no other way into the building and I lost all my contacts after I dropped my cell phone into the penguin exhibit. Yeah, I had my birthday at the aquarium.

Liz:

What do you want? You're not my agent anymore.

Simon:

Oh, I'm still getting your business mail at my parents' house. Your contract's almost up and Mr. Donaghy's office sent over that new one for you to sign.

Liz:

I'm not just going to sign whatever Jack sends me; that's insulting. We haven't even talked about this.

Simon:

Well, I am the king of re-negotiation. You watch the 'Wonder Pets!' on Nick Jr.? I represent the turtle that Tuck is based on.

Liz:

Yeah, no thanks. I will deal with this myself.

My Wheelhouse

Kenneth:

Did you miss me yesterday Ms. Lemon?

Liz:

Awesome. Great story.

Kenneth:

So Ms. Maroney, did you miss me while I was gone yesterday?

Jenna:

You weren't gone, I saw you. Kenneth, just move!

Kenneth:

No … Mr. Donaghy fired all the pages for a day. Didn't you notice your food wasn't pre-chewed?

Tracy:

J-Mo, Marty Goldstein is your accountant too, right?

Jenna:

Oh, I owe him a call. I bet he's going to tell me I can't write off all my shoplifting.

Tracy:

No! He's calling you about his son's Bar Mitzvah. Marty wants to pay us crazy money just to show up.

Jenna:

Oh you know I'm in. Getting paid to help a boy become a man … it's kind of my wheelhouse.

We're Getting Into This

Liz:

Hey, I have a bone to pick with you.

Jack:

Look at this: the Pentagon has hired GE to weaponize microwave technology. This is amazing. That was my old division. If I were still there, I would have controlled every aspect of that project: planning, oversight, morale-boosting t-shirts indicating everyone survived a certain barbecue. There's nothing to challenge me here at Kabletown, Lemon. When was the last time I said, "No Senator, *you're* out of order!"?

Liz:

Well, I've got something for you to do. You honestly thought I just would sign the same deal I got six years ago?

Jack:

Well, what would we negotiate about, Lemon? What do you even want?

Liz:

Well, for starters, I would like a hospital bed in my office--a real one. I don't care if it's against the law to resell them.

Jack:

Oh my god. How far I've fallen. I used to be a legend. When there was a deal no one could close, they brought in Donaghy. So it's agreed, you'll be moving forward with this partnership.

Liz:

You know what, I'm insulted that you think it's beneath you to negotiate with me. Without me there's no TGS so, like it or not, we're getting into this. Call my assistant to set up a meeting.

Jack:

And by "your assistant" you mean you with a British accent?

Liz:

I have a new assistant. She's a cool college student and from South Afri--yeah, she'll be British.

Not Even A Dog

Kenneth:

Uh, hello? I'm back.

Pete:

What do you mean you're "back"?

Kenneth:

I wasn't here yesterday.

Pete:

Yes you were. You were in the kitchen all day, right over--oop, that's a broom.

Kenneth:

I know my job is to serve you all, but I thought that after six years you at least thought of me the way an owner thinks of his dog.

Pete:

Kenneth, look--

Kenneth:

No, sir! I'm using my once in a lifetime interruption to point out I am not even a dog to you. After all, when a dog goes missing, everyone's upset because there's no dog milk for the babies.

It's On

Liz:

Jack wants a real negotiation? Well, I want a piece of the TGS merchandising. The catchphrase, "This Smells"? I wrote that. When twenty cult members jump off a bridge together, wearing "This Smells" t-shirts, I should get a cut of that sale.

Simon:

Merchandising, that's smart. Here's the plan: I need to find a bathroom.

Liz:

Oh it's on, Donaghy. Heh heh heh.

Going to be Transformers

Man:

Here they are! My favorite clients! Adam is going to be so excited to meet with you; he is a huge, huge fan.

Tracy:

Yes, many of our viewers are obese.

Jenna:

Now Marty, how Jewish is everyone here? Because I may need to change parts of my act.

Boy:

*These* are the best clients you could get? Don't you represent Gina Gershon?

Tracy:

My nemesis?

Jenna:

My nemesis?

Man:

Adam, you said you loved TGS!

Boy:

I was being sarcastic-ah. I told mom I wanted a Transformers theme for my Bar Mitzvah. You know, this sucks. I hate you!

Man:

Son …

Jenna:

OK, we're going to go. Don't worry about the fee. You can just give it to us now.

If you don't help me out here maybe the IRS finds out that your "nine dependants" are just vibrators. And Tracy, I'd hate for the people to realize that your "charity" is just a front that has done nothing to make this country safer from Godzilla attacks.

Tracy:

If anything, I've increased the likelihood!

Hazel Wassername

Frank:

Hey Kenneth.

Hazel:

No, I'm not Kenneth but he told me all about you guys. Let me guess who's who. You must be Toofer.

Pete:

I'm sorry, who are you?

Hazel:

I was asking myself that same question and I did not like the answer, so I made a change. I'm Hazel Wassername, and, yes, you may recognize me from one of my two background acting gigs.

Man:

Dr. Lengard, yesterday we heard your daughter take full responsibility for her roles in these crimes.

Pete:

Where's Kenneth?

Hazel:

He took my spot at the Suze Orman show. What a first day! But you got to roll with the punches, just like my hero Ivan Drago from Rocky IV.

Toofer:

This is pathetic. Kenneth's trying to make us beg him to come back.

Pete:

Well, we are not doing *that*. I've learned from having children that when your kid throws a tantrum and holds his breath, you hold your breath too. When you regain consciousness, believe me, he's ready to leave the toy store.

Giving Me Enough Credit

Simon:

Finally, my client gets 5% gross merchandising, where "gross" means income before expenses, and not "gross" like apples on a sandwich.

Shia LaBeouf is in trouble. This is a part of the movie where I fell asleep.

Jenna:

Jazz is gonna get you outta this. Say, 'Hey!" I am one slick brotha!

Boy:

This blows! Be the robots from NFL on Fox!

Crowd:

Boo!

DE-NIED

Kenneth:

Here's your tea, Ms. Orman. There you are.

Suze Orman:

Who are you? What happened to Hazel?

Kenneth:

Oh, I'm sorry Ms. Orman. Hazel and I switched places. She's over at TGS now. But don't worry, it's temporary. I just want all the actors and writers there to realize how much they miss me.

Suze Orman:

And why should they miss you?

Kenneth:

Well, I'd like to think, on some level, we're all friends.

Suze Orman:

Do you socialize together outside of work? Do you exchange gifts? Do you vacation together on non-judgemental cruise lines?

Kenneth:

Well, no, but …

Suze Orman:

Listen girlfriend, you're trying to solve an emotional problem but what you have is a money problem. You want to be friends with people like Tracy Jordan and Jenna Maroney; they're rich, so show me the money! How much do you make?

Kenneth:

I'm not sure. My church requires a 110% tithe.

Suze Orman:

How old are you?

Kenneth:

Don't worry about it.

Suze Orman:

How much have you saved?

Kenneth:

Are you talking about saving squirrels from hawks? Zero.

Suze Orman:

If you really want to be friends with people like this, you are going to have to quit the page program and get a real job so that you can earn for your future.

Kenneth:

What? No! I can't quit the page program.

Suze Orman:

Well, then: DE-NIED!

You're Fired

Jack:

[on video] You've got the initiative, how do you keep it? By making a second first impression. You're going to wear dark colors with a single power accent, every hair in place--hair movement is a sign of weakness--and whatever you do, don't speak first. 90% of negotiations are lost by the person who speaks first, because what is speaking a sign of?

Man:

[on video] Weakness?

Jack:

[on video] You: out. Fired.

It's a Jack-off

Jack:

Oh, I hate those shoes.

Liz:

Oh, are we starting? Please.

Jack:

All right, let's start with salary. What are you doing?

Liz:

Oh, I'm sorry. Are you on some subconscious level seeing this as me toying with your manhood?

Jack:

Of course I am, I invented that. Boca 2012, you've seen the tapes!

Liz:

What? No! I-I just--

Jack:

You *are* being coached--by me!

Liz:

Sorry, Jack, I have to take this. Yes, may I please speak to pizza?

Jack:

The fake phone call to buy time in an emergency? Classic Donaghy!

Liz:

OK, fine, you got me. Game over.

Jack:

No, no. This just levels the playing field. Going mano-a-mano against a real adversary: me. It's the ultimate game: Jack Donaghy, playing with himself. It's a Jack-off.

Save This Bar Mitzvah

Man:

Well, great job. Adam locked himself in the bathroom. *If* we can get him out of there, you two have got to do better than that pathetic butchering of "Who's on first?"

Forcing other people to wait, throwing things, making crazy demands and never being satisfied: Adam's acting like us!

Tracy:

But he's not famous! Why is the government allowing this?

Jenna:

Because today he's the star; a Jewish star!

Tracy:

And if we don't make Adam happy, his dad is going to tell the IRS my house isn't a church, although I do let children drink wine there.

Jenna:

Tracy, as fellow stars, we may actually be able to solve Adam's problem. I mean, when we're acting out, what makes us happy?

Tracy:

When I'm acting out, it's never about the real problem. Like all actors, I'm not emotionally mature enough to deal with my feelings, you fart face.

Jenna:

I know you are, but what am I? Adam isn't upset about us, it's something else. We just have to find out what it is and save this Bar Mitzvah!

Your Home Turf

Jack:

[on video] So you've lost the initiative, perhaps by being a woman or a shorter man, but you can regain it by fighting on your home turf. No one has ever won a land war in Russia, not Napolean, not Hilter, not even Balki in the unaired ninth season of 'Perfect Strangers'. So where's your Russia? What's your home turf? The one place in the world where you cannot lose?

Liz:

Ice cream store!

Trust Me

Boy:

What are you doing? This is the mens' room, Jenna, not the C-list skank's room!

Tracy:

That's solid, but that's not why we're here.

Jenna:

Adam, we want to help. You're the star today, and we know how hard that can be.

Tracy:

Look, we know you're not really mad about us. You acting out is about something else.

Jenna:

You can tell us; we're in SAG.

Boy:

It's just … everyone expects me to dance with a girl today. And I don't know about girls. I mean, I played this Japanese video game where you slap prostitutes to death, but you only ever dance with this penguin named Yammugiku.

Ad-rock, I'm going to tell you the same thing I tell my son: put money in the girl's mouth, also, my friend Dowel is your real father. Now you go get 'em.

Exit Evaluation

Toofer:

Hazel, why does my coffee order say "the black one" on it?

Hazel:

Oh …..

Frank:

Did you put peanuts on this?

Hazel:

Yeah! It's delicious hat guy!

Frank:

I'm allergic!

Pete:

Damn it! I have to write a 40-word exit evaluation of Kenneth! I wish I was dead!

Suze Orman Was Right

Pete:

OK, Kenneth. You win. Please come back.

Kenneth:

OK. When is my birthday?

Frank:

I don't know. When's that party you throw that we never go to because we don't know what to get the man who has nothing?

Kenneth:

Suze Orman was right. I need to quit the page program and get a real job.

Jenna:

You know what we did today?

Tracy:

An amazing rendition of "What's the guy's name who plays first base"?

Jenna:

No, we solved a problem by just addressing it head-on. Tracy, what if you and I dealt with all of our problems that way? What if we were honest at work about what's bothering us?

Tracy:

That would make everyone's lives a whole lot better, like the Polio vaccine, or no-bottom strip club near Wendy's! Let's do it, J-Mo.

Elegante Primo

Liz:

Hey Jack. Sorry I'm so late.

Jack:

You're not. I changed the clock on your phone. I just got here.

Liz:

Anyway, I really appreciate you coming to my neighborhood, my "home turf", if you will. I see. Well played, Jack.

Jack:

You anticipated my countermove, employing a '"shortness is weakness" power axiom. However, I knew that you might know that I knew to bring my own furniture, so I also brought my Jack Welch power pillow. I'm very sorry, sir.

Liz:

I thought you might do that, which is why I'm going to be the first person to do power quiet-talking, forcing you to lean in and wonder if you're missing any key phrases … like an idiot.

Jack:

I thought you'd try power quiet-talking which is why I'm wearing a hearing aid. Still me. I'm everything I hoped I'd be. Let's begin: 2% raise, a show on Christmas, no gross merchandising, and you have a run in your stocking.

No raise, no vacation, and from now on, you have to say "Go for Liz" when you answer your phone.

Liz:

Uh, hold on a sec …

Jack:

Come on, Lemon. I'm just doing the sorcerer's apprentice. You respond with a pirate holiday, and I have no choice but to play the hillbilly auction. it's all in the tapes!

Liz:

Uh …

Jack:

Aw, forget it, this is taking too long. I'll do both sides. If you think I won't do the show without Lemon, think again. / Oh Jack, you're bluffing. / Liz, we're out of here. / If you walk out that door, you'll burn every bridge she has here. It'll be back to submitting topical menopause jokes to Joy Behar by fax. / Oh please, you'd be in breach. You'd have more lawyers on you than a mid-town hooker. / You're all talk. / It's like that time you said you'd hit on Carla Bruni in front of Sarkozy and you totally backed down! / So did you! / Sorry, I have to take this. Hello? / It's me. Nice try. / I'm writing down a number. / Ahah! You're dreaming! And I counter. I reject that. Then an elegante. Parry with a elegante primo. 5%. I demand 3 years. No, that can't be right: elegante, elegante primo, carry the one ... good god!

Liz:

What?

Jack:

You won!

Liz:

I did?

Jack:

You got everything you wanted. Kabletown-Jack made a mistake and Lemon-Jack pounced on it! I-me lost!

Liz:

Yes! I won! Nobody beats the Liz! Oh sorry. In your face!

Kenneth:

Mr. Hornberger, I got the message about the goodbye Kenneth brunch. I can't tell you how touched I--

Pete:

Yeah, that was lie, but look who's here!

Tracy:

Double actor announcement!

Jenna:

Double actor announcement! Over the years, we've wasted a lot of time complaining about things other than what's really bothering us. From now on, Tracy and I are going to be more honest.

Tracy:

Instead of just throwing tantrums, we're going to talk things though. Who's that lady? It's her fault that it's cold in here!

Jenna:

Tracy, be honest. It's not about the air conditioning, is it?

Tracy:

OK. It's just that I see a new page and I'm not used to change because I was raised in foster care.

Pete:

Sounds like Tracy's missing someone.

Kenneth:

He's missing me! Boy, you are dumb sometimes.

Pete:

Tracy, this new page is Hazel, Kenneth's replacement. Kenneth wants to leave the page program so he can go make more money but you need him here, don't you?

Tracy:

Yes, I do need you Kenneth, I depend on you. But I'm telling you to go because, now that I'm being honest, this job is a dead end for you. And it would be selfish of me to make you stay.

Kenneth:

Are you serious?

Tracy:

Yes. Now go. Run Kenneth. Run before I change my mind. Run Kenneth! Run!

Sky's The Limit

Liz:

Hey, your video says that, after a negotiation, the winner should get the loser a gift, so I brought you this popcorn tin. There's no popcorn left but it makes a great closet organizer: socks, underwear, bras.

Jack:

I used to be a winner. Men wanted to be me, women wanted to sleep with me, bisexuals wants to watch. Now look at me: a meaningless job, I can't get my wife back. What's the point? Maybe I ought to just quit and go work for a not-for-profit; somewhere where there's less pressure and the people are nice and I can wear sneakers and jeans on Fridays.

Exactly. Do you know why I lost earlier? Because of our friendship. I want you to have everything and that made me make a mistake. In other words, I lost because of emotion which I always thought was a weakness but now I've learned it can also be a weapon.

Liz:

You didn't realize emotion could be a weapon? Have you not read the poetry of Jewel?

Jack:

The point is, you had Liz-Jack on your side, and that's why he-me beat Kabletown-Jack, until me-I turned the tables on you-you.

Liz:

So that means that my me-I taught your you-you a negotiation trick.

Jack:

Yes, I suppose … you did.

Liz:

Wow, after six years there is still room for growth in this friendship. What, why are you signing that? You won.

Jack:

Lemon, I wanted to know I could win. I'm still going to take care of you.

Kenneth:

Excuse me sirs. Mr. Donaghy, do you remember the other day when you said there are other opportunities for me at the company?

Jack:

Of course.

Kenneth:

Well, I would like to discuss those opportunities with you further because I am quiting the page program!

Liz:

But you have no other skills.

Jack:

He's a white male with hair, Lemon. Sky's the limit.

Liz:

To white men!

Who

Jenna:

Adam, we hear you're a Yankee's fan. Tracy, aren't you a coach for the Yankee's? You must know all the players!

Tracy:

Oh sure, those players have some crazy names, like 'Derek" and "Alex".