Racists, it’s your lucky day. Not just because Nina Davuluri, a woman whose family is of Indian descent, won the Miss America pageant yesterday, leaving your razor-sharp mind to compose xenophobic tweets with wild impunity. (Sorry, let me link the big words to Dictionary.com so you can look them up: Impunity. Xenophobic. Ok, we’re back on track.) It’s not your lucky day just because of THAT, but because I’ve decided to help you become a better bigot via Twitter. Frankly, your Twitter racism game is weak, judging by some of the examples I've seen. You can do better, and your sloppy, ill-conceived tweets are letting down your pure-blooded brethren, leaving white hoods shaking in disappointment all over social media this morning. So I promise that by following these constructive tips you’ll be a much better racist on Twitter, making your whole homogenous family proud (including your cousin who is also your sister.) Here are 30 tips to being a better racist on Twitter: 1. Tweeting “Go back to (insert country name here)” doesn’t really work when your family came over to this country in recent history, too. Unless you’re Native American, maybe leave that one alone. 2. Don’t use cute emoticons when posting racist tweets - it just sends mixed messages, like smiley faces and napalm. 3. Try to be original when using stereotypes in your tweets. For instance, India = 7-11, or India = dot head is a little played out. Maybe try a Slum Dog Millionaire reference? Or that comedian from Parks and Recreation is pretty funny? 4. Twitter only allows 140 characters, so just type “#White” instead of “#Merican,” because that’s what you really mean. Saving those 2 characters will help you get RT’s. 5. Tweeting that it’s dishonorable to anoint an Indian-American Miss America so close to 9-11 is absolutely correct, but only because if we waited a month the pageant could be held on Columbus Day – a REAL ‘Merican hero! 6. America is a continent, not a country - in fact it has two continents! Did you know there is a North America and a South America!? That’s right, so what you really mean is “The United States.” But to stick with the ‘Merica theme, we can start calling it: ’Nited States. 7. A quick history lesson. It went like this: the land we now know as the ‘Nited States was first home to Native Americans, Vikings, Eskimos, English, French, Spanish, Mexicans, and Pacific Islanders in recent history, and then we came and started squatting. But let’s ignore all of that and just pretend we sprouted directly from this soil. 8. If you’re called out for posting racist tweets, don’t ever apologize. Ever. And if you do, make sure you’re not sincere and certainly don’t learn anything from it. 9. We’re having some geographic confusion, so please refer to a world map. Note that India is not in Egypt, over 2,000 miles from Iraq, and has nothing at all to do with Indiana. 10. Indians are not terrorists. In fact, they are always on “our” side. You probably got them confused with those OTHER brown people, who make up about 90% of the world. 11. Al Qaeda is not a country. And there is no “u” after the “q.” I know, I know…they’re backwards. 12. White people, please stop laying out in the sun and going to tanning booths. It’s confusing the hell out of me. 13. I completely agree that Indian dancing has no place in our modern ‘Nited States. We need more authentic Caucasian dances to class it up a bit, like Miley Cyrus twerking. 14. “They” are not taking our jobs. You have a crappy job because you didn’t pay attention in school and you’re lazy. So if you want a better job, go out and earn it the old fashion way: by murdering and exploiting less powerful brown people for material gain. 15. Did you know there are #White people in other countries around the world, like Russia, Canada, and even South Africa? That will make it extremely confusing when a white Russian American, for example, wins the Miss America pageant, rendering all of our “anti-‘Merican” slander useless. But we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. 16. When you call Asian people “PF Changs,” please keep in mind that it’s all white people eating there. Those lettuce wraps are delicious! 17. The majority religion in India is Hinduism, not Muslim, but either way we don’t want “them” in our country, so let’s all pray for an end to religious freedom. 18. These damn incompetent, un American, immigrant, ethnic politicians are going to be the end of this country! So please continue the outrage not to reelect Arnold Schwarzenegger. 19. The ‘Nited States does not have an official language, but don’t let that stop you from tweeting that everyone who lives here needs to speak English. 20. A tweet like “A brown-skinned Miss America?!!! What’s next – people marrying three goats?!” might be a little bit of a leap. Try to throw a gay marriage reference in there as a stepping stone, so we can better follow your logic. 21. Racists - you’re spending so much time tweeting about the damn Indian Arab terrorists, that you’ve completely forgotten about razzing the Jews, blacks, ‘MoSexuals, handicapped people, Japs, Democrats, draft dodgers, environmentalists, and people who drive hybrid cards. Spread the hate a little – there’s plenty to go around. 22. Try not to tweet about homosexuals ruining our country and then go home and watch lesbian porn. It still counts, even though it’s women. 23. When someone accuses you of being a bigot, saying “But some of my best friends are brown-skinned Miss America contestants,” doesn’t really work. 24. Black people and women – it’s especially awesome when you send racist tweets since you’re not that far from being on the receiving end of horrible discrimination, yourselves! Well done! 25. Please use proper English when composing hateful tweets. For instance, “Dese people don’t even speaks English #WTF #FML #OMG #GoBackToYourMommasCuntry,” needs to go through the spell check at least once. 26. To add a little zest to your ignorant tweets, sprinkle in these words in any combination: Osama, Obama, Yo Momma, Al Qaeda, Al Jazeera, Al Sharpton, Baghdad, Bag Head, Benghazi, Saddam, Saudi Arabia, and Susan Sarandon. 27. Whenever possible, add “We’re number 1!” to your tweets. Number 1 at what, you ask? Don’t worry about it – just put it in there. 28. Remember that we’re the greatest country in the world because we’re a melting pot of inclusion, so let’s keep as many people out as possible before they ruin that. 29. I agree that the term “racist” is totally overused, flung around with such reckless disregard that it’s been rendered meaningless. The term ‘asshole’ works much better. 30. Maybe you shouldn’t tweet about your patri-racism at all, considering Saudi billionaire Prince Alwaleed bin Talal is the majority shareholder in Twitter. Oops. We didn't see that one coming.

Norm you are brilliant!!! Generations after generations, repetition of ignorance. Break the cycle!!! someone need to educate them. Can not believe the tweets I read above :-( Poor people, never travelled, never saw and never experienced anything outside of their small minds and box.

Wow. Just wow. Who knew Twitter's biggest moneybags is the terrorist brother of Miss America. Trippy. Small world.

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Nicholas de Burgo

9/17/2013 05:34:17 am

Michael. You do realize that this lady is Indian and not Arab. You do realize that she is likely Hindu and not Muslim? Maybe you are so stupid you do not understan the difference.

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Forest

9/17/2013 09:19:34 am

Maybe Nicholas de Burgo does get sarcasm.

Forest

9/17/2013 09:20:35 am

Oops. I meant to say that perhaps Nicholas does not get sarcasm.

Dawn Marie

9/16/2013 10:06:51 pm

Absolutely Brilliant, Norm!!!! This Morning we will all have a little 'sumpin, sumpin' to think about!!! Perspective = Power = Change...

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Maureen McKeon Armstrong

9/16/2013 11:04:10 pm

Why were we not friends in hs, so I could have decades of 'the time Norm made coffee come out my nose' stories, instead of just the one from this morning?

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Rukmin Ramsuchit

9/17/2013 01:50:00 am

Thank you. I needed that. Now I will buy your book!

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KellBell

9/17/2013 05:26:04 am

Ingenius!!!

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CTGirl74

9/17/2013 08:35:34 am

This is funny as hell!

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Sarah Calatayud

9/17/2013 11:10:07 am

I so love that you posted their actual tweets.

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Sharon Harris

9/17/2013 11:11:25 pm

I pointed out in a post that they didn't even have the right CONTINENT to send her back to if they so desired, And I also said that maybe it was time that they allowed women other than Hitler would have approved of share some of the prizes. As I am a blue-eyed, paleskinned, sometimes blonde, I can talk the talk -- and 1/4 German to boot. Barbie didn't win. Get over it. We in the Philadelphia area were stunned to see pictures of Misses NJ, Delaware, and PA. All blondes and fair skinned. While I am sure that they are lovely, wonderful women, the most often posted comment was that they looked like clones...

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Himanshu katiyar

9/17/2013 11:26:34 pm

Can someone tell me who are really Americans. I thought that the people who are truly "American" are those who are indigenous to this land, the native Americans. The rest of us are migrants so why the fuss about this Asian American winning the peasant. YOU live in a great county lets not spoil it by being bias. God bless

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Liberal Hypocrisy

9/17/2013 11:48:06 pm

This article implicates that all racists are white, therefore the article itself is racist. How ironic.

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Tom Smith

9/18/2013 03:10:24 am

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TG4f9zR5yzY

Well, argue how "whites" in general have experienced the level of racism that all the other groups have experienced.

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M.F.

9/18/2013 06:27:16 am

24. Black people and women – it’s especially awesome when you send racist tweets since you’re not that far from being on the receiving end of horrible discrimination, yourselves! Well done!

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Missunderstood

9/19/2013 11:49:38 am

No it does imply all racist assholes r white just most of them u obviously did not read it all!

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Anthony Centeno

9/17/2013 11:50:48 pm

Great blog.

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c.m.rose

9/18/2013 12:05:17 am

your comments are brilliant - their tweets are frightening!

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Alex Boyd

9/18/2013 01:02:16 am

This post made me laugh because of the intelligently crafty way it's written, but it's also soberingly true. The ignorance that some people proudly display is a haunting reality that shows that no matter how far we've come as a nation, we still have so very far to go. They make statements like, "I'm not a racist, but..." Um, there is no BUT! I also love how factually inaccurate people are when they post such vitriol, but as we all know, intelligence is inversely related to hatred.

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Marco

9/18/2013 08:37:18 am

The post made me laugh as well, and I agree with your general sentiment about how far we still have to go in the area of racism. However, your stating, "...as we all know, intelligence is inversely related to hatred," is presumptuous and inaccurate; hate doesn't discriminate by IQ. Smart people can be pretty hateful. Just look at history. Perhaps you meant ignorance instead of intelligence. That's understandable.

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Rolando Mejia

9/18/2013 01:54:00 am

Amazing. Good job Norm. By the way: America is one continent and it is composed of three known regions: North America (which includes Mexico), Central America and South America (which also includes Brazil!). So regarding languages, just in North America you have: English, French (yes, Canada is in North America) and Spanish...plus dialects...go figure....Cheers from beautiful Costa Rica.. (no army since 1,948 and proud of it!)

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Sky

9/18/2013 02:49:43 am

Erm ... not true ... Pls check http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Continents for proper definition. While there is indeed a school of thought that both Americas are one continent, the most widely accepted definitions of the word 'Continent' separate the region into 2 continents, namely, North America and South America. (By the way, good job on the 'no army' bit! If only more countries were like that!)

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Catalina

9/18/2013 06:05:15 pm

In Latin America we're taught to see America the continent as 3 separate blocks and at times, Mexico is tied to Central America. Therefore it really depends in which country you went to school. English Wikipedia is written by English-speaking collaborators who would use the North American way of teaching. There are many things that are not unified in our great American continent, for example I'm Colombian and I was taught there were 5 continents, while in the USA you learn that there are 7. In Colombia 1 Billion is the US equivalent of 1 Trillion and so on. So Rolando is right and I guess you are too. The wonders of ethnic diversity!!!

Great article BTW! Laughed my butt off.

gehölz

9/19/2013 08:04:05 am

Well... if you're to believe what (an American made) wikipedia has to say it's your own business. In Europe, America has always been studied as one continent (this two continents stuff comes from some time in the 80s/90s...) and its divided into three areas. And, by the way, Catalina, Mexico belongs to North America, not Central America. And by the way, Latin America is a French/Italian invention. Spaniards and Portuguese colonized, French and Italians just migrated ther in the late 19th Century. Latins, let me tell you, are the people from the Lazio region in Italy, around Rome. Are you all of Roman origin?

Michael G.

9/18/2013 08:32:50 am

Love the post! Just a small FYI, watch out for "you're" vs. "your" in the second paragraph, since we're taking the high-intellect road here... :)

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Norma C.

9/18/2013 11:55:33 am

Umm...it looks like you missed your exit!

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Norm

9/18/2013 02:12:25 pm

Great catch, bro! Thank you! Believe me, I'm not claiming to be smart hahahaha. Have a great day!

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Kelsey

9/19/2013 11:07:20 am

don't apologize, Norm! there was no spelling error, just an unnecessary comma...I believe you were saying "your sloppy ill-conceived comments" not you are sloppy...correct? great article, by the way!

Christine

9/18/2013 07:59:44 pm

Absolutely brilliant!!!

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Rashmi Vallabhajosyula

9/19/2013 12:26:41 am

Me reading, me laughing, me doing Bollywood number.

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Gehölz

9/19/2013 07:52:09 am

Two things I totally disagree with: 1) "You have a crappy job because you didn’t pay attention in school and you’re lazy" and 2) "Remember that we’re the greatest country in the world..." That's so typically 1) WASP and 2) American! You've been raised to believe so as much as white South Africans in the 50s were raised to believe they were superior. In any case, I am very happy an Indian-American woman (by the way, when will white Americans start calling themselves European-Americans?) won this silly contest.

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Norm Schriever

Norm Schriever is a best-selling author, expat, cultural mad scientist, and enemy of the comfort zone. He travels the globe, telling the stories of the people he finds, and hopes to make the world a little bit better place with his words.

Norm is a professional blogger, digital marketer for smart brands around the world, and writes for the Huffington Post, Hotels.com, and others.