Crist: 21-year-old moving in with grandparents should be consulted on expectations

Apr. 15, 2013

Written by

Gary Crist

Let’s Talk

Dear Gary: My granddaughter was raised by her father and stepmother; my daughter gave up all parental rights to her when she was 21/2 years old. My granddaughter did not grow up in an ideal home and dropped out of school at 16; she has been basically on her own since going from one relationship to another. A month ago, my granddaughter called asking if she could come and live with us. Her grandfather and I agreed to have her come if she would agree to our conditions. I know that she is 21 in years but more like a 16-year-old in mentality. Here is a draft of the expectations:

Education: To have procured a job, completed credits for grade point, sign up for summer courses, if given.

Personal: To obtain a birth certificate, to obtain a passport and to apply for health card by May 25.

Home: Keep room clean, change sheets every Saturday, vacuum, wash floor and clean bathroom, help with general cleaning around the house and cook one meal a week.

Agreement before coming: To leave the past behind and concentrate on building a future, not to get involved with your fellow students on a personal basis, just casual friendships, to be honest and open with us, to ask for help when you need it and to respect us and our home.

House rules: Be home for supper, develop a study habit, taking at least one hour each evening to devote to schoolwork. Be in by 10:30 school nights; call before 10 weekend nights if you are going to be out late. No drugs and know your limit with alcohol. Your friends are welcome, but have respect for the neighbors if you have friends in the backyard. Call if you are ever in need of a ride home or if you require our assistance.

Could you give me some feedback? Am I being too hard? This is open for discussion and amendment.

— A Caring Grandmother

Dear Caring Grandmother: I understand the intent of these proposed rules and expectations for your granddaughter. It seems, given your granddaughter’s history, that she comes to your home with a lot of emotional baggage and unresolved issues. Also, as you mentioned, her maturity level is something to be considered.

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I would caution you to go slow and act with intention. Prior to your graddaughter moving in, I would have her visit. Take this time to sit down and talk to her about her goals for her education, employment and what her expectations are for living with you.

While your initial expectations and agreements are a good draft to start from, I think all this needs to be developed with her input; otherwise I fear that you are setting her up to fail.

This is a huge adjustment for both your granddaughter and the two of you. At 21, she is legally an adult. She may want to get her GED rather than attend a high school with kids that are younger than she is. There are also online school opportunities she could check into.

You mentioned wanting your granddaughter to leave the past in the past, but perhaps, given all she has been through, she needs to talk to someone to work through all of this. That said, I would recommend that you visit with your granddaughter about having you help her find a therapist. If the transition gets rough, perhaps working with a family therapist might not be a bad idea, also.

It is wonderful that you and your husband are willing to give your granddaughter a chance at your home. I do not think you are being too “hard;” I just feel that you need to take this slowly and develop the agreements together. By doing this, your granddaughter will be more likely to follow through.