Paperback Hero

Friday, February 16, 2018

I'm still hoping to get this scintillating inquiry into the most highly legitimate political movement in today's America (and Canada!) finished before the heat death, so we better get at it. Last time on Sovereign Citizens Getting Owned we met the man who briefly denied his beliefs before having a moment of glorious redemption and then getting promptly wrecked, we discussed the implications of confronting a canine fascist accuser and an attempt to actually pull a "nine-tenths of the law" swift one failed miserably. Let's dig in for some more!

We hit the ground running with out shirtless and tattooed "free man" fleeing law enforcement in his personal means of travel (it's not a car because it's not for commercial usage). We pan around the private property's interior, revealing a pile of undifferentiated garbage in the back seat and the rather twitchy demeanor of the Free Man of the Land. More wild camera work follows as a police chase that apparently wasn't sufficiently wild enough to make it on one of those "special interests" VHS rentals concludes. We do get a nice shot of our hero's extremely impressive torso, so there's that. "Let me see your hands!" How can I trick-talk my way out of this one?

The hero we deserve.

"Who are you?" Yes, that's a quality rejoinder. Sirens, a gun, a badge, it really is an impenetrable mystery. Please explain yourself. We're quickly informed it's the "police," which I never would have guessed in a million attempts. This is followed by an attempt to claim that the scumbag Murrican answer to Ghandi is in "his own jurisdiction" and as such is immune to all laws. If that wasn't enough, he also didn't do anything. Is it wrong that I'm hoping "Mad Cop Disease" will kick in and this piece of work will get stomped?

Instead, a failed "broken wrist" gambit fails to prevent the cuffing and the scene abruptly ends, just as I was fully engaged in the action.

Next up is footage of a face-cam on a phone, like this is an episode of The Jetsons or something. Man, the miraculous future we live in. What amazing message is being transmitted over this science as magic, you ask? Something about "breaking the lock" after eviction, which is just crazy enough to succeed, I feel. Addition profanity and passive-aggressive threats toward the police follow, as if this scuzzy character is cutting a backyard wrestling promo in 1999 or something. Again, it just ends there, without any actual "ownage." I'm getting a little worried. Maybe the uploader thought no one would watch all the way through, but I'm nothing if not persistent in the most work-shy way possible.

Am I being detained?

How about some highly avant-garde footage of a floor and shoes? Meanwhile, the owner of said footwear claims to be a "non-resident alien" as if this would grant you special rights and freedom from legal obligations. I know, that's just crazy, who would ever get that kind of idea? It turns out its time to get a van. "I don't take orders from you!" We must never build a wall on our border, it's immoral and bad and you're a good person, right?

Apparently, our "dreamer" wants to take the cars of the police, to make up for the crimes committed involving his family. For whatever reason, this isn't happening. Come on, it's the right thing to do. This is not who we are. Next clip, please.

The latest Resistor claims he doesn't even have a name. Could this be an even more powerful version of the "I'm my own jurisdiction" end-around that failed so miserably earlier in today's clip? Time to argue with some desk officers. I bet this achieves a lot.

"I'm serving notice!" Then we go round and round with that game where both sides talk past each other and nothing gets accomplished, one of my favorite activities. "I do not consent to killing children!" "How can I help you?" that sort of thing.

After an unsupported claim of having strong sanity it's back to arguing who has authority and to what extent. It's like a John Stuart Mill book came alive, wow. The officer is still wondering what he can do about our hero renouncing his participation in absolutely everything. An effort is made to wrap this up. "I do not consent!"

"The door's right there." Don't let it hit you. Another officer joins this experiment in individual value, demanding the Free Man go outside. Don't do it, that's where all the brutality happens! Sadly, the only other alternative is a "jail cell." Also, "don't do this in front of kids!" Won't somebody, etc.

Instead of meekly leaving, however, it's time to claim victory. "I'm the King!" They are then told "Don't come back," as the potato filming this nonsense completely breaks down into pixelated visual puke.

We conclude with one of those Twenty Minutes investigative reporting deals you used to get from the fake news monopoly before they switched to the all Russia format we've had for the past year. An "expert" who is probably less qualified than I am after watching all these Youtube videos, explains that Sovereign Citizens believe our names are sold to foreign investors and somewhere in Bahrain or wherever someone is probably hoping to short-sell mine.

Actually, China is the big purchaser, we're told. Huh. Well, I guess that makes sense. See you eight months from now with Part VI.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

It's nice to finally see another highly credible story of saucer people interacting with our ancient ancestors, as confirmed by heavily faded and deeply ambiguous paintings on a rock. If this doesn't convince you, I'm not sure what it's going to take. Now it's time to bring in NASA for investigation, which, I guess, will mainly consist of "That kinda looks like Marvin the Martian, doesn't it?" and then mumbled agreement followed by a massive cover-up just for fun.

In the footage, a narrator explains how a number of art pieces have been revealed.

Who are you to disagree with a narrator?

Discovered in Charama, India, the images appear to show aliens and UFOs, similar to scenes of a sci-fi movie.

You know, like in a spaceman film on your sex box? Because your mind has been completely destroyed by mainstream media, booze and pills we have to put this into the most banal possible terms in hopes you'll somehow comprehend.

According to local archaeologist JR Bhagat it is unclear as to what the images reveal.

We should consider this sensible statement as a blank check to begin making the wildest and most baseless speculations possible.

He said: "The findings suggest that humans in prehistoric times may have seen or imagined beings from other planets which still create curiosity among people and researchers.

Well, that or its just mythological images that aren't really intended to depict anything in the real world, but that's a lot more likely to be correct and also less fun.

Extensive research is needed for further findings.

We're going to need a lot more funding, that's for sure.

“Charama presently doesn't have any such expert who could give clarity on the subject.“

I think we all know who to send for...

Yes, it is.

He added: "The paintings are done in natural colours that have hardly faded despite the years.

As opposed to "unnatural colors," whatever that would actually be.

“In few pictures, they are even shown wearing space suits. We can't refute possibility of imagination by prehistoric men but humans usually fancy such things.”

You crazy humans and your so-called "imagination."

One comment read: "Evidence is everywhere, we need opened eyes, that's all."

Open your eyes, sheeple, you're being lied to!

And another claimed: "We dont need to find aliens, they are already here all around us."

Friday, February 9, 2018

Going to a restaurant just makes good sense. It solves that common problem of having a pocket stuffed with cash, it allows you to supplement a struggling actress's beggary wages with so-called "tipping" and nothing tastes better than warm food made by a potentially diseased total stranger, something otherwise completely unavailable in your pathetic, hedonistic and atomized life. Still, things can go wrong and you might end up taking a hot blast right to your face. And not in the good way.

Ejaculation.

A curry house owner threw chilli powder in a customer's eyes when he complained about "rubbery" chicken in the Prince of Bengal in Tonypandy, Wales.

When you're at a friends house and the food just ain't no good you pretty much have to grin and bear it, but no such restraints exist at a Welsh Indian cuisine simulator, obviously. Just be ready for some blow-back after you fire off your clever similes re: the disappointing entree.

A jury saw CCTV footage of Kamrul Islam, 47, which appears to show the chef throwing a large fistful of chilli powder in the face of a complaining diner.

Some juries have all the luck. I got stuck with some "absentee father" hearing that involved absolutely no entertaining "decline and fall" multimedia whatsoever.

Mr Islam is on trial, accused of assault occasioning actual bodily harm on David Evans, who he threw the spice at on 21 January last year.

CCTV footage played at Merthyr Tydfil Crown Court depicted the moment Mr Evans followed Mr Islam to the kitchen.

Is it just me or does "Mr. Islam" sounds like a villain pro wrestler circa 2002?

Mr Islam says he was very frightened as he walked away from the table of the complaining Mr Evans and his wife, and that he picked up the chilli powder to defend himself from Mr Evans, who he said had clenched his fist in the doorway to the kitchen.

It's too bad there isn't some way this trial can end with everyone being punished, including the lawyers.

How to use chili powder to win fights, etc.

The court heard Mr and Ms Evans ordered two Cobra beers and two bottles of wine but the couple said the second bottle of wine had not been started.

Now I know for sure that I'm a better person than these two profligates because I drink King Cobra, the ruler and sovereign of the their beer of choice. Don't let the smooth taste fool ya!

Ms Evans told the jury that she posted on Facebook about the incident the following day because she “wanted to tell the people of Tonypandy and the surrounding area that if they went there this is what they might be treated like”.

Wednesday, February 7, 2018

We are facing a humor famine. After many comfortable decades of braying like a buffoon while tears stream down your fat greasy face at dat funny doe, we're suddenly finding the knee-slapper harvest devoured by a dust bowl of thin skin, sanctimony and Right Think. Everything that might even generate a smile is offensive, if not Room 101 material, and acting as a jester for wealthy oligarchs is not the ticket to happy-town you might expect it to be. What's the solution, then? Well, there isn't any, but here's some more words bemoaning the sad state of affairs.

I found myself seated at my computer last month, watching on YouTube

Wow, what a glamorous and exciting life you lead, Wall Street Journal columnist.

the comedian Bill Maher talk about Donald Trump’s marriage. If you don’t share Mr. Maher’s politics, you are likely to find him an odious, even loathsome character, for he doesn’t really exist outside politics.

I would like to think we can all unite as one people in finding this guy to be loathsome. If we can't agree on something as self-evident as that, where else are we going to find common ground?

His standard tone is mockery, his modus operandi to lacerate his targets with obscenities, flash a nervous smile, and then bask in applause from his audience.

I recently wrote a book on the subject of charm, in preparation for which I asked a great many people to name five persons in public life they thought charming.

I just want to mention I wrote a book and am something of a big shot. Stop with the lame promotion, buddy. No one wants to hear it.

Yet these insufficiently funny comedians, with their crude political humor, do little more than add to the sad divisiveness that is rending the country.

We need more "getting along" jokes.

Right, looks like the bloody Labour Party has done it again...

Something, surely, has been lost if one can no longer turn to comedy as a relief from the general woes of life and the greater farce that has for some years now been playing out in our everyday politics.

Friday, February 2, 2018

I've decided to switch to a format of covering nothing but objects falling from the sky with tragi-comic results. Yes, I see big things for "Chicken Little Lectures" in the future, but maybe having somewhat regular posts would be a better starting point. In any case, today's offering barely even qualifies as a news story, quite frankly, but there's enough "that ain't no duck, son" controversy to make it worthwhile. Well, not really, but if I'm going to live with perpetual flat-pocket, I'm not about to surrender that sweet editorial control. Also, please ignore the "that isn't funny, this guy got really hurt and my brother died that way" aspects, it's for the best.

An Eastern Shore waterfowl hunter was flown to Shock Trauma Thursday, according to the Maryland Natural Resources Police.

When the hunter becomes the hunted, oh the irony. Seriously, ain't it heavy, man?

Investigators say 51-year-old Robert Meilhammer was hunting with others in Easton near the Miles River shortly before 5 p.m. when a dead goose fell from the sky, knocked unconscious and caused him head and facial injuries.

I love all the missing details and the fragmentary and intentionally misleading narrative. I mean, are geese simply falling like rain, did this guy shoot it, or is there some even more incredible alternative explanation? I feel we all deserve to know.

Maryland Natural Resources Police, Talbot County Sheriff’s Office deputies and local EMS responded to the scene.

Out of an abundance of caution, it was decided to drive the victim by ambulance to Easton Airport, where he was airlifted to Shock Trauma for treatment.

Now it's time to grind in addition indignity with that whole "abundance of caution" line. Yes, this guy was such a wuss that after a kamikaze attack by a honking water-bird we needed several alphabet agencies to drag him into unnecessary medical care.

So many ugly, liberal comments on here. Many people like my father hunt for food. Chances are, this guy was hunting for that reason. Nobody wants to eat hormone infused meat from the store. I hope this man recovers. What a freak accident.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Wednesday, January 31, 2018

After yet another lengthy "He's either dead or missing or something!" absence, it's fun to come back with an extremely important story of impoverished villagers, falling objects and a possible alien invasion. Yes, these things have more in common than you might think, at least if you're willing to turn off or kill with booze the logical part of your brain and accept obviously wrong interpretations that are then fully refuted by the poorly written article itself. Let's dive back in, this is going to be great.

These are apparently the same nameless sources that kept reporting "Russian Collusion" for over a year. That awkward feeling when Wikipedia has much higher editorial standards than your lame click-bait article.

The bizarre incident was accompanied with loud booms.

Boom, boom, boom, let's go back to my [sparsely populated South American wasteland]. We can disintegrate a mystery object all night and the resultant hysteria can make me feel right.

People living in Larancahuani, in the region of Puno, Peru, were reportedly left terrified when three metallic spheres crashed down.

My normally idyllic life in Larancahuani, which is totally a real place, honest, is interrupted by props from an AC/DC video falling to earth.

It prompted fears of an imminent meteorite impact or an alien invasion.

This is definitely the most parsimonious and rational explanation.

Can we somehow get these to the wall?

According to the Peruvian Air Force, the incident may have been the spectacular reentry of the SL-23 rocket and three spherical objects were fuel tanks from a satellite.

Well, that explains that. Sorry. I guess "parts of a rocket fell into Peruvian backwater" isn't as likely to get you to "click" as wild speculation about meteor extinction events or "War of the Worlds" scenarios.

It comes as five circular UFOs were seen above California on January 13.

This other, unrelated panic is also highly credible.

NASA is also preparing celestial super blood moon event, not seen in more than 150 years.

Get ready, the super blood moon (!!!) is coming! And by "get ready" I mean maybe look up and notice it with mild appreciation, if it isn't too big of a bother.

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

It's about time we update "Duck and Cover" for the exciting new generation that, according to what I've gleaned from Pepsi commercials, is the best ever. Naturally, we'll just have the Chinese do it and import the halfhearted results, just like those Sorny moron boxes and fun lead action dolls. The end product might not be as cheerful as the paranoid turtle, but it will offer the same worthless advice that is sure to put everyone at ease. When you see the Rocket Man flash, you better hide your ass, etc.

An official Chinese newspaper near North Korea has published a page of articles on coping with nuclear attacks, in a sign of growing anxiety over Kim Jong Un’s weapons program.

A massive explosion that leaves nothing but radioactive ash isn't normally the kind of thing you'd "cope" with, as if it's just a bad hair day or whatever. On the other hand, there's no better source of lifestyle advice than official Chinese newspapers.

The Jilin Daily -- the government newspaper of Jilin province on North Korea’s northeastern border -- published articles on page 5 explaining how nuclear weapons work and the damage they cause.

I get most of my news from the Jilin. Here's a insightful article describing how you'd be vaporized by the blast, leaving only a shadow on the ruins to mark your passing. This is Real News.

The paper used cartoons to offer advice on what residents can do about radiation exposure and provided instructions on how to respond during an attack.

Another warned that air raids could mean nuclear, chemical and biological attacks, and used the 1945 atomic bombing of Hiroshima as an example.

What. I'm pretty sure there were no chemical or biological agents in that attack, but through the miracle of incorrect formatting that seems to be the message.

The cartoon images illustrated how residents should clean their bodies, boots and coats after being exposed to radiation. They suggested taking iodine tablets, if there is radiation nearby.

Real bummer about that Atomic Holocaust. If you need me, I'll be scrubbing my cool leather jacket and taking some iodine while my skin peels off.

Goofy Curious George and his little firecracker. Sad!

North Korea, which last week launched a new type of intercontinental ballistic missile, said ahead of the drills that it would consider the “highest-level hard-line countermeasure in history,” according to the state-run Korean Central News Agency.

They also explained how Beloved Leader never cried as a baby and doesn't need to use the bathroom as an adult.