What's happening losers? You know what I realised earlier in the week? There is no such thing as too much shagging. I was shagging a bird last week and while I was doing it, all I could think was how much I couldn't wait to shag my missus later on. I know I've never mentioned her before, but my missus Tray is a game old bird. Well, she looks like a pheasant anyway.

Seriously though, she does put up with a lot. Like my constant cheating, but in my defence, she doesn't know about any of it. She almost caught me once, but I convinced her that she was dreaming, she was angry at me all day for cheating on her in a dream, crazy bitch I didn't even do anything. Well I did, but she thought it was a dream.

Recently I have been using Tinder. It's pretty sweet, I have met a lot of new lovers and a freaky woman with a clit painted purple. The problem I have is that they have introduced a payment plan for it and as I am 29, I am gonna have to pay a lot of money to get access to lots of low quality poontang. What shall I do? How will I keep up my shagging?

Hugh Hefner, 37 (you lying bastard)

Image Credit: reddit.com

The first thing here is, you have an awesome name. I mean, I am the king of shagging. It's an undisputed fact. I once won a Tekken-esque tournament called King of the Iron Dick a few years back. I out-shagged some Jackie Chan looking fella in the final after he hit the Billy Mill roundabout before he got the Elvis legs. He was extra pissed off that day too, because I had fingered his Mom the night before. Anyway, like I said, I am the king of shagging, but your namesake is the fucking God! I mean, let's just assume there is some form of all powerful deity out there for a second. When Hugh Hefner dies, he is going to Hell no matter what, because nowhere can be as good as the deal he has got going on down here. I have to shag some right warthogs to keep my quota up, and I need a missus so I have somewhere to live too, because I don't have a job, but he only shags grade A flap, lives in a mansion and spends his time wearing silk pyjamas.

Anyway lad, you don't need Tinder, just get yourself out there, find some daft council bird wearing a knock off Playboy tracksuit and tell her your name is Hugh Hefner. When she asks who that is, show her your driving licence she will be so impressed that you actually have a licence she will let you get your oats.

Domestos Abuse

Jary! Things have been tough with me and my boyfriend recently. He stays out until 1 AM every night saying he is at work, but he works at a school and he always smells of Domestos when he gets back in. I'm worried he's cheating on me. What should I do?

Becky, 19

Image Credit: themedianet.org

For fucks sake, woman. Leave him be would you! Teachers work long hours everyone knows that, he is probably marking books at the school. You should be ashamed of yourself for not trusting your amazing, hard working and most of all loyal man.

Tug Of War

My Uncle has started buying pornography recently. I don't know what to do? Help me Jary!

Nimbus, 16

Image Credit: thetelegraph.co.uk

This is a problem because he is paying for it right? I mean come on, everyone loves a wank. Show him some top quality free sites. You have got to save your Uncle from paying for his tugs, it's your duty as a nephew. Also, tell Uncle T to drop it off round mine when he is done, I could do with some new vids, I have seen everything on SpankWire. Twice.

Clean Getaway

Jaryboy, you gotta help me out man, my missus is giving me some right old ear ache. I have started shagging the cleaner at the school I work at. How do I pull the wool over her eyes like you do to Tray?

Mitch, 24

Image Credit: guystuffcounselling.com

Don't worry about it mucker, I've sorted it for you up a couple of letters. You owe me a pint in the Cock next time I see you and a couple of naked pics of that new cleaner you're dirtying up.