Looking for celebrity gossip and full frontal Kardashian bashing? Need more snarkasm in your diet? Do you get a sick thrill out of the misfortunes of others? You're in the right place! Welcome. And prepare to be Whorrified.

Tuesday, 16 April 2013

PROVING ZAC EFRON IS LITERALLY A 'GIF' FROM GOD

ZAC EFRON WITH A DILDO PROPAnd is it just me or is there something very Brokeback Mountain about the way Zac is stroking that surfboard? Photo/CreStock

Oh, you don't think Zac Efron is an out-of-control stud muffin? Then you have not seen him emoting in GIF format. Seriously. Just save yourself some time and pour your martini, light your cigarette and get naked BEFORE you click on this link from socialitelife.com. Because this guy will make you feel like a woman. Even if you're a man. Or he might just make you laugh. I don't know, it depends on how you feel about effeminate, gender-confused boy-creatures who wear false eyelashes. (What? Those are his real eyelashes? That makes it so much better!)

And if, after watching this GIF-tastic orgy of Efronisms, you are aflame and feel you just have tosee Zac Efron in the flesh, you should get a job at a dildo store. He friggin' loves those places ... and not because he's gay. Strictly for research purposes.

EDITOR'S NOTE:Geez that was weird. Are you smoking the pot?MY NOTE: And yet you are still clicking on those GIFs. Ooooh, that one! The one where he's crying. That's got "screen saver" written all over it.EDITOR'S NOTE: Way ahead of you.

DOESN'T THIS FAMILY EVER HAVE BOYS?

Kardashian's stripper bride has plopped out a baby, and it vaguely resembles Rob so my nasty suspicions were completely unfounded. Also, IT'S A GIRL! In lieue of newborn gifts, the happy kouple are probably asking for cash donations to the baby's breast-and-butt implant fund. Those 12th birthdays come faster than you think. CLICK THE PIC to see the newest member of the Kardashian clan.

Looking for Tyra? Kanye? Me? Type a name here

POSSIBLY THE MOST BORING NEWS EVER

Actors Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts have announced that they are splitting up after 11 years of marriage. Unfortunately, they had the nerve to do so within a week of Brad and Angelina's cataclysmic split, so no one gives a shit. Plus I've never seen such craptastic acting as Naomi Watts playing Lady Diana, so if that was Liev's reason for leaving her I can't say I blame him.

FIRST-EVER PICS OF PREGNANT JANET!

I wouldn't normally give a flying nipple ring about baby bumps, but when said baby bump is sticking out of Janet Jackson's 50-year-old body, you're damn right I'm gonna blog about that. As well as gleefully note that she appears to be eating for at least two, possibly three or four. CLICK ON HER PIC to see the fruits of the paparrazis' relentless stalking of Janet … Miss Jackson if you're nasty.

SOMEONE DODGED THE GARGOYLE BULLET

Iman posted a photo of Lexi Jones, her only child with David Bowie, in honour of her 16th birthday and I am relieved to report that she is incandescently beautiful. Because it doesn't always happen that way. In fact, so many celebrity offspring defy the genetic odds that one can't help wondering if God is as morbidly obsessed with schadenfreude as I am. How else to explain celebrats that look nothing like Demi Moore and everything like Mr. Potato Head? (Sorry, Rumer Willis, I wasn't going to mention you by name but your fourteen-storey chin demanded it; that thing terrifies me!)

STOP PICKING ON SNOOP BECAUSE HE'S BLACK

Notorious pothead Snoop Dogg has accused Swedish police of racial profiling after he was briefly detained in Uppsala on suspicion of possessing weed. Police pulled him over because he “seemed to be under the influence of narcotics." (Police: Are you Snoop Dogg? Snoop: Yes. Police: GUILTY!) After his release, Snoop hit Instagram to rage that he was arrested because of racial profiling. “They made me pee in a cup – didn’t find shit,” he actually said. (No seriously. He's making this too easy.)

THERE'S STILL HOPE FOR BOTH OF US, HALLE

Halle Berry is embarking on her fourth divorce (this time from Olivier Martinez), and far be it from me to criticize her terrifying track record on relationships because my own track record is just one degree less terrifying than hers. Which leads me to conclude that the problem is not that "Halle Berry can't keep a man," but rather that so few men are worth keeping. Click the pic to see the supportive evidence. You can't argue with science.