Pages

05 February 2018

So long January...a life update

So January was a bit of a shocker right? I hate to start the year off on such a bad foot but it just seemed to go from bad to worse.

Well let's not be too negative, there were some good moments. I spent time with my sister on her visit over, we had a few days exploring which is always great. We had a lovely day for Rohan's birthday and I feel I dealt with all the feelings that come with his birthday pretty well. Then it sort of tails off from there.

I ended up hibernating quite a lot, due largely to the fact that I was phoneless and also due to the fact that perhaps maybe I wasn't dealing the Rohan turning two all that well. It's so hard to remain positive about your situation when there are so many others celebrating their children's second birthdays and they look a lot more like you imagined celebrating yours would, but in fact it's not like that at all. So I tried to take a step back, to not get jealous, or feel angry and resentful, because at the end of the day those aren't nice feelings to have and everyone else has the right to celebrate their children's birthday and share it. I know I wouldn't think twice about it if we were in that situation and not plunged into the world that we are in.

But here we are. Then of course came hospital, the dread and the fear becoming a reality once more. Thankfully it was just a short stay whilst Rohan got over a nasty virus, which made his breathing when asleep pretty problematic (more so than it already is) and rendered us fairly useless at home to help him anymore. So a nearly midnight trip to A&E was made in full knowledge that we would be admitted (I don't take chances anymore and always pack our bags for at least a few nights stay). Nothing can really describe the feeling of having to be in hospital because of your sick child. You know they need to be there, and you're happy that they are being really well looked after and in the best place should anything need to be done, but at the same time you're desperate to be home. I hate not being able to split myself or be all together, or be there for both of my children, but it's impossible. Even if I was at home with Theo then I would feel guilty that I wasn't in hospital with Rohan. Then Rob came down with tonsillitis, leaving me just at hospital all day and night. We did thankfully have grandparents who came to see Rohan and help with Theo, which gave me chance to leave the hospital for half an hour or so to grab some lunch and fresh air. Rohan recovered pretty well and we were discharged, but I'm trying our hardest to just make sure we don't expose ourselves to too many germs and bugs.

But I didn't see Theo for about three days straight, and it was horrible. I know that this time he was really worried about Rohan, and for the first time seemed to really feel the weight of what was going on. I feel so bad about it all. He's had such a tough few weeks since this all happened and it stresses me out so much. I think sometimes that because of everything we have to deal with with Rohan becomes part of our daily life, we expect to have problems, it hits me harder I think when we have a difficult time with Theo. He's just been so cross at the moment, we've had massive meltdowns where he just seems so out of control and I'm at a loss at how to manage them for the best. He's having a few social problems at school too, and whilst he loves being there and learning it does worry me that because of the way he is, we're always going to have this sort of problem. He just doesn't take well to being wound up, or takes things way too literally and gets himself set on an idea or a fact he think's he heard but actually it's not the case but having to break it to him that it's something different is often a massive battle. I know we went through a similar stage at this time last year, and maybe it's all to do with turning a year older, the come down after Christmas then the excitement for his birthday, and of course everything with Rohan. I get all the reasons but it's just so difficult when you really need things to be a little easier.

I think because he is our "typical" child (I hate myself for having to write that, but I don't know how better to describe it) I think I expect things to be easier with him, for things just to coast along nicely and when they don't it just all feels too much. Of course that's such a massive expectation to put onto him (even though I obviously would never ever say that to him or give him that impression) and it's at times like these that I realise Theo has his own things to go through, and reaction to everything that is going on around him too. I'm really trying my best to understand that and give him support and time to work through it, but man does it all feel like all the things are being thrown at us at the moment.

I barely picked up my camera at all in January, I've got a mountain of work I need to do for my photography business and so many blog posts I want to write, but it all just has to be put to the side. I feel like I just want to press the reset button, to gather my thoughts for a little while longer and refresh my mind. It just feels so weighed down with all that is going on and sometimes I feel like I'm really struggling to keep on top of it all. But now January is over and we creep towards Spring I'm hoping that by the time the magnolia blooms we might be in a slightly better place. For even though I always put so much hope into the coming of Spring, it really does seem to set things right. It's my restorative time, the season I yearn for the most and when it finally arrives I feel like I can breathe a little lighter, I can start to feel positive and plan for the future a little more again and just be thankful for all that we have. But for now, the shutters are still slightly closed as we put our heads down and just try and get through the next month or so.