Rep. Highlife, a 'Lotto' disappointment and tat boy wonder

November 30, 2012|John Kass

Karl Rove, the round mound of the GOP establishment, the Rasputin of the Republican Party, Mr. White Board himself, babbled on Fox News that Republican Mitt Romney could still win even after Fox called the presidential race for Barack Obama. (MCT, Tom Fox)

Another Chicago politician has been indicted, this one for bank fraud after he allegedly burned through hundreds of thousands of dollars that weren't his on casino gambling, car loans and other high-rolling pursuits.

Illinois state Rep. LaShawn Ford, a Democrat, has not been convicted.

Still, blowing cash that isn't yours so you can play Mr. Highlife is almost like saying, "I want to win the Moutza of the Month for November!" Isn't it?

The ancient Moutza has nothing to do with the American finger, but everything to do with taxpayer contempt. And when we hapless taxpaying chumbolones extend our hands to such weasels, we offer the flat of our palms, our fingers spread wide. The Moutza.

"I believe I am innocent of the charges brought against me today," Ford said in a statement Thursday.

That's nice. We believe you, Rep. Highlife.

But we also believe in unicorns with long silvery flowing manes, and little forest imps with hairy feet who go on quests for golden treasure held by the evil dragon Smaug.

Mr. Ford, would you please talk to the hand? It's pointed right at your face. See?

Nah!

Unfortunately, Ford can't win the coveted November Moutza. In Chicago, the bar has been set too high. These days, an indicted politician must get re-elected, with the support of thousands of moronic voters. It's been done.

But not yet by Mel the Molester.

Former U.S. Rep. Mel "Did I Win the Lotto?" Reynolds, who did prison time on separate bank fraud and sex-with-a-minor charges, wants another chance. He announced this week he's running to succeed the troubled Jesse Jackson Jr. in the 2nd Congressional District.

Standing before a sign that read, "Redemption," Reynolds said: "The fact of the matter is, nobody's perfect."

Here's another fact: When you've been caught on tape talking with your underage lover about taking a 15-year-old Catholic schoolgirl to bed in a threesome, you've got to ask yourself: Who'll want to ask me about my plans for federal revenue enhancement?

Nah!

No list would be complete without David Petraeus, the former Army general who was forced to resign from his job as CIA director after his affair with his marathon-running, young and trim, and married biographer Paula Broadwell became public. Petraeus reportedly told a friend he "screwed up royally," but also that his wife, Holly, had not yet kicked him out of the house.

Screwed up royally? Is that what you call it?

You call it a double Moutza. Nah! and Nah!

Here comes the Mitt Romney tat guy, Eric Hartsburg, 30, from Michigan City, Ind. He was a Romney supporter who offered to tattoo anything on his face to the highest bidder on eBay and accepted $15,000 to brand himself with the blue and red Romney/Ryan logo.

Now Hartsburg wants to have it removed. This will be done with lasers burning his skin. But here's something worse. The Romney logo clashes with all those attractive chunks of metal sticking out of his lips.

Since we're on the topic of beauty, does the November Moutza go to those American women who've had their pinky toes surgically removed so they can fit into high-fashion high heels?

No. But years from now, perhaps with their families on the beach, they may hear their young daughters say, "Mommy, I'm going to grow up just like you, and get my toes lopped off, too."

Isn't that punishment enough?

Others want a Moutza for Mayor Rahm Emanuel, for raising CTA fares, then telling commuters that if they didn't like it, they could drive and pay for parking. But I can't very well Moutza the mayor and then bring him his Christmas gift, that lovely "The Rahmfather" portrait he covets so much.

You want a mayor to get a Moutza? Mayor Danny Sparks, of Olive Hill, Ky., will do. Arrested on drug-selling charges the other day, he resigned. But he did say he was sorry.

Nah!

An easy Moutza could go to Cook County Assessor and Democratic boss Joe Berrios, who has more than a dozen relatives on the public payroll and defended it by comparing the situation to the Kennedys.

"Look at a great president that we had, President Kennedy," Berrios told the Chicago Sun-Times. "Who'd he appoint attorney general? You know? Same thing. You're saying Bobby Kennedy wasn't fit for the job? He (JFK) appointed his brother, and in government, people help many people. This is part of the process."

And so is this, Joe: Nah!

Still, Berrios is only doing what the Irish politicians taught him to do: hire his own. They got away with it for years, and they still do, so Berrios can't win the great monthly Moutza.

But there must be a winner, and we've got him: The round mound of the GOP establishment, the Rasputin of the Republican Party, Mr. White Board himself, Karl Rove.

On election night, Rove began babbling on Fox News that Romney would still win even after Fox called it for President Barack Obama. "It's premature!" Rove said. "It's premature to call it for Obama!"

Anyone who watched the Rovian meltdown — and the subsequent scoffing by anchor Megyn Kelly — could see Fox giving him the Moutza.

But doesn't he deserve another? Actually, I just took off my shoes and socks in my office, and I've still got my pinky toes, to give him a quadruple, 20-digit moutza.

Karl Rove, for all you've done, the Moutza of November is here. It's all for you.