Lighten up: We’ve now got a ‘teen expert’

All sorts of genius teen insights and opinions have recently come my way. And I don’t even have to ask - or pay - for them. They come to me unsolicited and free of charge, courtesy of my Teen Expert.

I tell you, the kid’s gifted. We’re going to save some serious coin. No need for college with this one.

For instance, recently I found out I’ve been wearing the wrong lipstick shade. All this time! Can you imagine my relief when my Expert pointed out how awful this color looked on me?

My pipsqueak professional’s proficiency extends to dermatology. She can pinpoint the moment my new wrinkles appear, and then loudly inform me of their presence.

I never have time to notice my latest flaws and fissures because I’m so busy. No worries. She’ll find them and tell me all about their severity. Such convenience!

Also, though I’m a professional photographer, my adolescent authority has informed me that my Facebook profile pictures look all wrong.

She said they don’t appear ‘motherly,’ which according to The Expert, is how this apparent sea hag, er, woman should present herself at my ‘advanced age.’

Who knew?

And! Are you aware that the middle school student’s social calendar ranks higher in importance than any other plans, events or national holidays? I didn’t know this. But, thankfully, my Teen Expert filled me in.

School football games, dances and parties must have the Expert’s attendance. If not, tears will fall, chaos will reign and I’ll regret my own birth.

Once I’ve escorted my Teen Expert to the game, dance or party, I’ve been instructed to quickly disappear. I must act as if I have never met my adolescent at these functions.

In addition, any attempt on my part to show off ‘cool hand gestures’ or ‘mad dancing skillz’ at said events are cause for tears, chaos and more (see above).

Another fact: The Teen Expert cannot go camping, hiking or anywhere that lacks a cell phone signal. Her Highness must always stay connected to her classmates. Absence of either friends or texting capabilities causes a black depression from which she (and I) will not recover.

Well, by now, I’m sure you’re envious of my extensive education.

Do you need a Teen Expert around your home? I have one I’ll loan to you for a couple hours - out of the pure, simple goodness of my heart.