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A Night in the Life ... an epiphany from a military spouse.

On the inside, when he told you that he needed to go -- no, that he volunteered to go, you're taken aback. How could he? Why would he? Halloween, New York, the kids, your costumes... it was all supposed to be perfect. For once, it was going as planned. As you had always planned, even before him. How could that not be as important to him as it is to you?

On the outside, your eyes are watery but nothing falls. You do things to make it easier for him. It's 10:30 and you start the coffee pot. You gather his things, you pack his bags, making sure to grab everything you've watched him grab so many times already in the short time you've been together. You are picture perfect support.

Still, on the inside, you're hurt. Mad even. Mad at him, but more mad at yourself. You know he has to leave. You know that's what he does, who he is. No, it's not deployment. No, it's not forever. Still, every time he leaves in that uniform, somewhere in the dark corners of your mind you worry that the world has gone just crazy enough, and he won't come back. It's raining quite hard, so there's that to worry about as well. Of course, just one more thing.

Socks?
Check.
Extra boots?
Check.
Towel?
Check.

Somewhere between packing and cigarettes, you manage to find time together. The hot water in the shower seems to last longer tonight, almost as if it knew that you needed those minutes with him. This is where hands brush shoulders cautiously - he is trying to read you, like your skin could reassure him you aren't upset, that you don't love him any less for leaving. ...and you thought he couldn't tell.

Then something strange happens. You look into his eyes and you see disappointment. You notice the way the corners are are wrinkled and his brow is furrowed.

"I'm sorry."

Suddenly, you realize he has nothing to be sorry for. Yes, he's going, because he knows no one else will. He's going because they need him, because right now there are people without power, people who need to be comforted by his presence. That yes, he's leaving, but that doesn't mean he wants to. It's who he is. He's your hero, because even when the right thing isn't the easy thing, he does it. It doesn't mean he loves you any less, it just means that as long as you're on his side he knows he will be okay. It means he has faith in you.

The cautious touch turns into a caress, his lips find yours and you tell him everything he needs to hear with the way your eyes shut and you pull him closer. You make love. You change.

He's double checking your packing job, but you know he has everything he needs. You've watched him leave before. So many times already.

This time, though, it's different. This time you feel something inside of you shift. There's no anger. No disappointment. Of course he wanted to keep the plans as much as you, but that's not what is needed right now. Other people need the parts of him that you fell in love with. They need his calm eyes. They need his warm presence. How selfish you would be if you kept that all to yourself.

You watch him straighten out the last bit of his uniform and you kiss him like you haven't seen him in months. What better to send him off than to give him a taste of that coming-home love? You hug him extra tight, because in three hours from phone call to departure he has made you a better you. That last bit of selfish child in you has let herself go because he is so good, and you are so proud to have the heart of that kind of man. Because he will never stop amazing you and he will never stop making you want to be a better version of yourself.

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