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Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Why I DIY

After graduating college with my degree in Psychology, it was only a month until my wedding on June 26, 2010. Two days after my wedding we raced against the clock to make it from Arizona to Virginia by July 2nd which was when Russ had to check back in on base.

I figured once we got our place together I would, of course, be looking for work. I had a great time getting our apartment together and it was fun picking things out for our home. During the whole process though, I felt rushed. Like I needed to immediately find a job. I felt overwhelmed by the area and had another problem: with one car, how would I get to work? How would I get to a job when Russ has to take the car every morning and leave by 5:30 am to make it 25 miles to work on the other side of the area? As my job search intensified other questions popped up like: how can I work with no experience? Will anyone hire a military spouse, knowing that in a year or two I'll be gone?

All my resumes and job applications were met with silence. It's a common practice nowadays but it really feels like when you send off your application to an employer, you're sending it off into a great abyss. You have no idea where your resume will end up and if it will even reach anyone's eyes. It was then that I began to feel disappointed, depressed, and downtrodden. I knew that the job search wouldn't be easy for new grads but, it was one of those situations where you think, "that's not going to be me." And, it was me.

It also didn't help that I had no real idea of what I wanted to do with my degree (and still don't). I thought I'd use my Psych degree to help out victims of domestic violence and other abuse. But, the more I thought about it, the more I dreaded entering that darkness. It's one thing to read about it in your textbook and to study behaviors. It's another thing to stare the issue in his/her bruised and battered face. The responsibility of such a job seems crippling to me.

Only two applications out of dozens in the last two years has been answered: Wal-mart and a Craigslist wedding planning gig that never panned out. I thought Wal-mart would at least give us some extra money until we either got another car or I found something else close by. Wal-mart was a mistake. It was the worst job ever and starting it during the height of holiday season was a nightmare. People were terrible, the hours long, the hour commute on the bus sucked, and being made to feel like an idiot on a daily basis by co-workers and customers alike made my short four month stint unbearable.

I quit. And I hate quitting jobs but what that job was doing to me didn't seem worth it in the long run. I was turning into a bitter and constantly angry person. I'm sure I was a joy to live with.

That was sixteen months ago. Sixteen months and I have gotten up each morning with no where to go and no strict schedule. Sixteen months where I have gotten up, made my coffee, cleaned the apartment, and waited for Russ to get home like a dog anticipating an owner's return. Thank goodness I've had Ian for the last year because he's a great companion to my daily solitude. Now, I'm not complaining. I'm glad Russ has a job where I can have the luxury of not working if I choose not to. Our finances aren't that great but we're not desperate either.

But, there are times when I do feel rather useless. Some days I feel like I'm watching the world go by and things happen while I spectate from the dingy windows of my apartment. I feel like I'm making no contribution to the world. In a society where one bases their worth on monetary gain and workplace status, I definitely fall short.

I'm a housewife for now and that's something I would have scoffed at a few years ago being the feminist that I am. Two years ago I was working nearly full time and going to school full time and kicking ass. I loved it. I took pride in my job and excelled at my schoolwork. I would have loved to have been working on my Masters degree these past two years but I just couldn't justify the additional student debt when I've got no job prospects now and I'm not even sure if that's the field I want to work in.

So I guess that's what gets me to the point. The point of this post and pouring out my heart (probably the most personal I've gotten on this blog, ever) is why I DIY and do so many other projects. I do it to feel useful. I do it to feel like I'm bringing some beauty to the world. And, I guess that might sound overly sentimental but it's true. I also need something to keep my mind occupied. I guess that's what this blog is also: a way to keep my brain busy as well as a way for relatives and faraway friends to see what I'm up to way over here in Virginia.

Having the blog and posting my projects (that normally only Russ and I would see) has been very therapeutic. It's allowed me to feel a little useful again. I'm glad there's people coming to visit me at the blog every now and then. And I want to thank to everyone who has read or is reading my blog. It makes me happy that people are interested in my projects!