Monday, 28 October 2013

Depression is a friend, not my enemy.

I still remember the moment well. It was a wet, cold, grey Friday
morning. I rose out of bed having had no sleep the night before. Panic attacks
are horrific experiences by day, by night they are even worse. As I drove to
work on my trusted Honda 50, a group of my friends passed in their car heading
to college. They all smiled and waved and looked so happy. I smiled and waved
and acted happy. I had loved and excelled in school but it was the same with my
hurling, it was the same with my friends, it was the same with my family, it
was the same with the people of Cloyne, it was the same with life, I had lost
interest in all of them. Losing interest in people was the worst. Where once I
would have felt sadness at seeing my friends heading to where I had always
wanted to go, I now didn’t. Something much larger, deeper, darker had taken
hold of my mind and sadness, despair, hopelessness were not strong enough to
survive alongside what I was feeling.

They say something has to crack to allow the light in. At about 11am
that morning, I finally cracked. I couldn’t do it anymore, all my strength at
keeping up my pretence had gone. I curled up in the corner of the building and
began to cry. One of the lads working with me came over and he didn’t know what
to do. I asked him to take me home. The GP called to my house and prescribed
some sleeping pills and arranged for me to be sent to the hospital for some
tests.

I spent a week there and they done every test imaginable.
Physically, I was in perfect health. I was diagnosed with suffering from ‘Depression’
or in laymans terms, that awful phrase ‘of suffering with his nerves’. I had
never heard of the word before.

I was sent to see a psychiatrist in my local day care
hospital. I was 19 years of age in a waiting room surrounded by people much
older than I was. Surely I am not the only young person suffering from
depression, I thought to myself. There was a vacant look in all of their eyes,
a hollowness, an emptiness, the feeling of darkness pervaded the room. The
psychiatrist explained that there might be a chemical imbalance in my brain, asked me my symptoms and prescribed a mixture
of anti depressants, anxiety and sleeping pills based on what I told him. He
explained that it would take time to get the right cocktail of tablets for my
type of depression. I had an uneasy feeling about the whole thing. Something deep
inside in me told me this wasn’t the way forward and this wasn’t what I needed.
As I walked out a group of people in another room with intellectual
disabilities were doing various things. One man had a teaching device in front
of him and he was trying to put a square piece into a round hole. It summed up perfectly
what I felt had just happened to me.

I now stayed in my room all day, only leaving it to go to
the bathroom. I locked the door and it was only opened to allow my mother bring
me some food. I didn’t want to speak to anybody. The only time I left the house
was on a Thursday morning to visit the psychiatrist. When everbody had left to go to work and school, my Mother would
bring me my breakfast. I cried nearly all the time. Sometimes she would sit
there and cry with me, other times talk with me and hold my hand, tell me that
she would do anything to help me get better, other times just sit there quietly
whilst I ate the food.

Depression is difficult to explain to people. If you have
experienced it there is no need, if you haven’t, I don’t think there are words
adequate to describe its horror. I have had a lot of injuries playing hurling,
snapped cruciates, broken bones in my hands 11 times, had my lips sliced in
half and all my upper teeth blown out with a dirty pull but none of them come
anywhere near the physical pain and mental torture of depression. It permeates every part of your being, from
your head to your toes. It is never ending, waves and waves of utter despair
and hopelessness and fear and darkness flood throughout your whole body. You crave for peace but even sleep doesn’t afford
that. It wrecks your dreams and turns your days into a living nightmare. It destroys
your personality, your relationship with your family and friends, your work,
your sporting life, it affects them all. Your ability to give and receive
affection is gone. You tear at your skin and your hair with frustration. You
cut yourself to give some form of physical expression to the incredible pain
you feel. You want to grab it and smash it, but you can’t get a hold of it. You go to sleep hoping, praying not to wake
up. You rack your brain seeing is there something you done in your life that justifies
this suffering. You wonder why God is not answering your pleas for relief and
you wonder is he there at all or has he forgotten about you. And through it all
remains the darkness. It’s as if someone placed a veil over your soul and never
returned to remove it. This endless, black, never ending tunnel of darkness.

I had been five months in my room now. I had watched the
summer turn into the autumn and then to Winter through my bedroom window. One
of the most difficult things was watching my teammates parade through the town
after winning the U21 championship through it. That was the real world out
there. In here in my room was a living hell. I was now on about 18 tablets a
day and not getting better but worse. I was eating very little but the
medication was ballooning my weight to nearly twenty stone. I was sent to see
another psychiatrist and another doctor who suggested electric shock therapy
which I flatly refused. It was obvious to me I was never going to get better. My
desire for death was now much stronger than my desire for living so I made a
decision.

I had been contemplating suicide for a while now and when I
finally decided and planned it out, a strange thing happened. A peace that I hadn’t
experienced for a long time entered my mind and body. For the first time in
years, I could get a good night’s sleep. It was as if my body realized that
this pain it was going through was about to end and it went into relax mode. I
had the rope hidden in my room. I knew there was a game on a Saturday evening
and that my father and the lads would be gone to that. After my Mother and
sister would be gone to Mass, I would drive to the location and hang myself. I didn’t
feel any anxiety about it. It would
solve everything, I thought. No more pain, both for me and my family. They were
suffering as well as I was and I felt with me gone, it would make life easier
for them. How wrong I would have been. I have seen the effects and damage
suicide has on families. It is far,far greater than anything endured while
living and helping a person with depression.

For some reason my
Mother never went to Mass. I don’t know why but she didn’t go. It was a
decision on her part that saved my life.

The following week, a family that I had worked for when I was younger heard
about me being unwell. They rang my Mother and told them that they knew a
clinical psychologist working in a private practice that they felt could help
me. I had built up my hopes too many times over the last number of months that
a new doctor, a new tablet, a new treatment was going to help and had
them dashed when he or it failed to help me. I wasn’t going through it again.
My mother pleaded to give him a try and eventually I agreed. It was a decision on
my part that would save my life.

After meeting Tony, I instantly knew this was what I had
been searching for. It was the complete opposite of what I felt when I was
being prescribed tablets and electric shock therapy. We sat opposite each other
in a converted cottage at the side of his house with a fire lighting in the
corner. He looked at me with his warm eyes and said ‘I hear you haven’t been too
well. How are you feeling’. It wasn’t even the question, it was the way he
asked it. I looked at him for about a minute or so and I began to cry. When the
tears stopped, I talked and he listened intently. Driving home with my mother
that night, I cried again but it wasn’t tears of sadness, it was tears of joy.
I knew that evening I was going to better. There was finally a chink of light
in the darkness.

Therapy is a
challenging experience. It’s not easy baring your soul. When you sit in front
of another human being and discuss things you have never discussed with anyone,
it can be quite scary. Paulo Coelho says in one of his books that ‘A man is at
his strongest when he is willing to be vulnerable’. Sadly, society conditions
men to be the opposite and views vulnerability as a weakness. For therapy to
work, a person has to be willing to be vulnerable. Within a week, I was off all medication. For
me, medication was never the answer. My
path back to health was one of making progress, then slipping and making
progress again. It was far from straightforward.

I had to face up to memories
I had buried from being bullied quite a lot when I was a young kid. Some of it
occurred in primary school, others in secondary. It was raw and emotional
re-visiting those times but it had to be done.

A lot of my identity was
tied up with hurling and it was an un-healthy relationship. The ironic thing is
that as I began to live my life more from the inside out and appreciate and
value myself for being me and not needing hurling for my self esteem, I loved
the game more than ever. I got myself super fit and my weight down to 13 and a
half stone. I made the Cloyne Senior team and went on to play with the Cork
Senior hurling team, making a cameo appearance in the final of 2006. It is
still one of the biggest joys of my life playing hurling with Cloyne, despite
losing three County finals and an All-Ireland with Cork. Being involved with
the Cloyne team was a huge aid in my recovery and my teammates gave me great
support during that time.

I went back to serve
my time as an electrician. I went to college by night and re-discovered my joy
of learning. I work for a great company and have a good life now. I finished
therapy in 2004. I have not had a panic attack in that time and have not missed
a day’s work because of depression since then.

I came to realise that depression was not my enemy but my
friend. I don’t say this lightly. I know
the damage it does to people and the lives it has wrecked and is wrecking so I
am only talking for myself. How can you say something that nearly killed you
was your friend? The best coaches I have ever dealt with are those that tell
you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. You mightn’t like it at
the time but after or maybe years later, you know they were right. I believe
depression is a message from a part of your being to tell you something in your
life isn’t right and you need to look at it. It forced me to stop and seek within for
answers and that is where they are. It encouraged me to look at my inner life
and free myself from the things that were preventing me from expressing my full
being. The poet David Whyte says ‘the soul would much rather fail at its own
life than succeed at someone else’s’.

This is an ongoing
process. I am still far from living a fully, authentic life but I am very
comfortable now in my own skin. Once or twice a year, especially when I fall
into old habits, my ‘friend’ pays me a visit. I don’t push him away or ignore
him. I sit with him in a chair in a quiet room and allow him to come. I sit
with the feeling. Sometimes I cry, other times I smile at how accurate his
message is. He might stay for an hour, he might stay for a day. He gives his
message and moves on. He reminds me to stay true to myself and keep in touch
with my real self. A popular quote from the Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu is ‘a
journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step’. A correct translation of the
original Chinese though is ‘a journey of a thousand miles begins beneath one’s
feet’. Lao Tzu believed that action was something that arose naturally from
stillness. When you can sit and be with yourself, it is a wonderful gift and real
and authentic action flows from it.

Many, many people are
living lives of quiet misery. I get calls from people on the phone and to my
house because people in my area will know my story. Sometimes it is for themselves,
other times it is asking if I would talk to another person. I’m not a doctor or
a therapist and anyone I talk to in distress, I always encourage them to go to
both but people find it easier at first to talk to someone who has been in
their shoes. It is incredible the amount of people it affects. Depression
affects all types of people, young and old, working and not working, wealthy
and poor.

For those people who are currently gripped by depression,
either experiencing it or are supporting or living with someone with it, I hope
my story helps. There is no situation
that is without hope, there is no person that can’t overcome their present
difficulties. For those that are suffering silently, there is help out there
and you are definitely not alone. Everything you need to succeed is already
within you and you have all the answers to your own issues. A good therapist
will facilitate that process. My mother always says ‘a man’s courage is his
greatest asset’. It is an act of courage and strength, not weakness, to admit
you are struggling. It is an act of courage to seek help. It is an act of
courage to face up to your problems.

An old saying goes ‘there
is a safety in being hidden, but a tragedy never to be found’. You are too
precious and important to your family, your friends, your community, to yourself,
to stay hidden. In the history of the world and for the rest of time, there
will never again be another you. You are a once off, completely unique. The
real you awaits within to be found but to get there requires a journey inwards .
A boat is at its safest when it is in the harbour but that’s not what it was built
to do. We are the same. Your journey in will
unearth buried truths and unspoken fears. A new strength will emerge to help you to head
into the choppy waters of your painful past. Eventually you will discover a
place of peace within yourself, a place that encourages you to head out into
the world and live your life fully. The
world will no longer be a frightening place to live in for you.

286 comments:

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Well done Conor, It will take young men like yourself to highlight this topic , to get other young men and women to talk and stop treating this as a taboo...you are to be commended on your honesty and openness and I wish you well in the future...and again Thanks and well done.

A peace full read, Full of your honesty and your love of life ,your very will to live and share your strength with all ,is a true sign your ship has left the harbour and in full sail.all I can say is a humble "thanks"

Thanks for writing and sharing your story conor, it's actually come at a good time for me reading this as I myself am going through a bout with depression at the moment, I've already scheduled an appointment with a counsellor but reading your blog post tonight has given me a well needed boost to know I'm on the right track to getting my old self back.

Thank you Conor. I really hope this adds to breaking up the taboo of me. not talking about depression. Very brave and I commend you on dealing with your struggle head on. Wishing you the very best for the future.

A really honest and brave post from a young hurler who contemplated suicide as his only option to be free, well worth a read during these troubled times. I still don't know if I'm happy or sad from reading his story, that's when you know it's raw.

That was just superb. I think anybody who has suffered or knows someone who has will relate to and benefit from this. Should be required reading-particularly for young guys who often don't tell people what they're going through. Great job!

Conor that is a compelling piece of writing - simply wonderful, understanding and uplifting. Thank you so much.Would love to include it on our website www.depressionhurtsireland.com if you'd allow usPls contact @talentcoop on twitter.

Thank you very much for this article. It really hit home when you said "Once or twice a year, especially when I fall into old habits, my ‘friend’ pays me a visit." When stuff life isn't going well you can feel the dark cloud moving in closer and closer but as you said that's exactly it. You feel it because it is coming to tell you that something in your life isn't going well or quite right and that you need to change it. You have really made that make sense for me and I thank you for that.

You articulated the experiences, and emotions felt during depression so accurately. This will help both those suffering from this awful condition to seek help, and also those who have never experienced depression to understand exactly what it means. Thank you

The world is a better place because of this piece of writing. Thanks for sharing.Another wonderful writer is Pema chodreon. She has a way with words that resonates deeply into your soul. I had a brief brush with depression after returning home from working in Cambodia. After a difficult year I came out the other side and realised depression can be, if handled properly, a gift rather than a burden. Its an awakening and a breakthrough.

I want to thank you so much for sharing this with the world. I am a 22 year old final year college student and I have battled with depression and anxiety since my primary school years. My journey has been long and dark but after years of not knowing what was wrong with me and thinking I was some kind of monster, I finally got help a year ago and am living life now! I still have bad days and have found solace in writing. I truly believe that knowledge is power and the knowledge our society has of mental illness is pitiful. Yes, we are moving towards a place of understanding and it is more "accepted" now to a certain degree but society, accept it as they will, have no idea what they're "accepting"! So thank you for helping to give people an insight into mental illness - it's the only way we can all move forward. http://memoirsofamentallyillwoman.wordpress.com/

.Thank you for sharing your story. You have helped me to understand more than u will ever know. Six years ago i lost my son of 22 years to suicide and of course i live with that every day. This week i am in a bad place because of the loss of niall donoghue last week{he reminds me of my son} but i can recognise that i am feeling low.You speak how i feel. Your words are so comforting, keep going.I will think of you and feel its ok not to feel ok.xxx

Bernadine I cannot begin to imagine what it must be like to lose a child to suicide. Horrendous as it is to lose a child, it must be beyond endurance for them to die in this way. I'm sure you look to yourself and could you have seen it coming, or done something, or was it your fault in some way. My heart goes out to you. And thank you Conor for your wonderful article. It took a lot of guts to put it out there. And you did it so splendidly. Unfortunately, as you (and other 'replies') pointed out, Depression is still very 'hush hush' in Ireland and people cannot look on it as an illness the same as any other. Once again, thank you, and I'm certain you have touched the lives of many with your story, and have helped many more sufferers in a way you will never know. I am much older than you, and hope I have gained some life experience along the way, but, more importantly, it's young people who need to put it out there and reach out to other young people. They believe you quicker than us oldies, and from your story, hopefully, they will understand that it is OK to feel depressed.

In tears. Thank you for writing this and sharing it.Sending this to my boyfriend who is experiencing depression.Just wondering if you have ANY advice for how best, in your opinion, to support someone who is feeling depressed?Thank you. Thank you.

Well done Conor for your brave piece outlining your battle with depression and for finding something that helped you out of the dark hole. It's great that someone your age can be so honest and express your vulnerabilities. I'm certain your honestly will help others seek help and realize the bravest people are the ones who ask for help. You may be interested in my own contributions to the media in the area of mental health including a TV3 interview I did last year.http://www.thomasroddy.com/I'll be speaking at the Critical Voices Conference in UCC in Cork on the 14th of next month.

Hi Conor! I'm a 36 woman from Mexico City. I've been living depression for 4 years now and it's the first time that I found someone that describes it so accurately... You made me smile! It's so nice to know that I'm not alone. Everyday I take one step and four steps back. Thanks for remind me: it's hard but worth!!!!

Thank you Conor. You have shared a part of your journey that helps us all to know that our spirit is wise and will get the message through to us often through depression or other health issue. We need to be educated to recognize it and to be able to help and support each other through it.It is not something to be ashamed of but to be explored. Bless you Conor you are a light on our way.

Conor, and you have moved me to tears with your honesty, vulnerability, self-awareness and guts. Your story captures the brutality of depression, and how it effects not only the sufferer but those who love him or her. Please know that you have an ardent supporter in America; I am sharing this post with colleagues who are working on a project called "Make It OK," which is about lessening stigma and fostering open communication around depression and other mental health challenges.

Hey Conor... Hope you see all the comments under your story. It cant have been easy for you to print it, but the good it will do to others will be immense... Its time people stopped labelling and stigmatising others... It is time we understood what depression is and it is well time we opened our ears and our hearts to everyone who battles with depression. If someone breaks a leg or an arm we always seem able to support them.

With something like depression that cannot be seen as a definite visual it is so much harder to show that support. It is only when stories such as yours become available to read that people start to get an insight into this illness. Fair play to you ... Keep the faith :)

Thank you for this searingly honest account of depression which I can fully identify with having gone through the wringer myself. You words can and will help so many people! I think this is also one of the gifts of going through hell, that you can help so many others not to fall into it!

It is unimaginable to people who have never suffered as you did and so many do, what is going through their mind when they decide to end it all. I am glad you mother did not go to mass that night and you found what worked for you. Thanks for the insight into your private hell. best wishes.

Conor, I would like to say "what bravery" to write a touching and inspirational article. Im still wiping the tears away here. I myself am on a journey with depression & anxiety and I understand what you mean when you say "I came to realise that depression was not my enemy but my friend". I 'fought' depression for years until I got help, now through medication and counselling, I have learned to not fight it anymore, but to live alongside it..... My biggest challenge is not feeling ashamed or guilty for suffering from depression, but you have reminded me today by telling the whole world.....that I can at least let my closest friends and family know without feeling I 'putting my sadness on them'. There is hope and tmorw is a step closer to a brigher day ~ Thank You

What a wonderful piece and you describe depression so much better than any other description I have ever read I can totally relate to all of it. Keep strong and very very best wishes - you have most definitely helped me today more than you know as my friend is most definitely visiting. You give hope. Thank you. Take care

Conor your story has touched so many people. I also suffer from depression and was put on medication which made me 10 worse that what I was. I got up one day and decided that enough was enough and that I needed to do something about it. I booked an appointment with a private counsellor and have not looked back. For the first time in 12 months I feel my normal self and am off medication. You are not alone because each and every second person on the street is also suffering.... Well done to you and congratulation on getting to where you are now.. You are an inspiration and you give hope to everybody that reads your story.. Thank you from one corkonion to another

Thank you Conor I'm battling with Depression and after reading this I know I need help but for so long I've been so Embarrassed talking to go and speak with a physiologist because I'm afraid to be drugged up to the eyeballs. but what makes it worse is when people say how could you be depressed and its only a ploy to look for attention. I dont want any attention I just want to be me again

Thanks for the wonderful words. I too suffer from depression. Thankfully it leaves me alone but it comes about three times a year to me. I do not struggle with it anymore but acept that it is there and it will go away, which it does after three or four days. I wish you all the best and thank you for being so brave, you have given encourage ment to anyone who suffers in silence

It so rare to read a piece and think "yes, he gets it, he knows how it feels". Thank you for that, and for reminding me that I am not alone and that I am not willing to sit in a quiet harbour unliving.

Thank god your here to share and Educate and help someone who is going through the same Communication is the key to Happiness , Much Love to you Conor lets hope your next Journey is filled with Happiness <3<3

Wonderful piece... however please do not discount medication, of the appropriate type and dosage. I have struggled with mild depression all my life and have been in and out of therapy for 20 years, though I always refused to consider medication. Then when I went through menopause it suddenly became much worse. I found out about the link between serotonin and estrogen in women, and I spoke to a couple of friends about medication and decided it was worth a try. It made a world of difference for me. Now in the process of reducing dosage and hope to wean myself off it over the next few weeks or months. Very grateful for the freedom from depression it has provided.

Hi Conor Thank you for sharing your story. As someone who had to take a similar journey I appreciate your honesty. As a therapist it is so refreshing to hear someone speak with an honesty and open heart about the therapeutic process. All good wishes for the path aheah

Such a fantastic piece of writing. I've dealt with some of the same issues, and have moved on from them, for the most part, as you have, and I love the way you describe depression as being a friend. I realised at some point that it was a way of stopping you living inauthentically any longer, but next time I get a revisit, it will help me a lot to think of it in the way you describe it. Keep writing too!

Great post, you are very admirable for acknowledging it. I have faced depression too, and it's a sinking feeling, but when you fight it and overcome it, you will never ever allow yourself to go there againWell done Conor! keep climbing... I am also recovering from an illness and fighting challenges and battles : follow my blog it may help you too. www.livinginmynewskin.blogspot.com.au

I don't think I have ever suffered from depression in the truest sense of the word but your blog has underlined the absolute horror of it, thank you so much. You have a way with words and I wish I could write half as well as you have, with a topic so horrible. Thanks again

Thank you for sharing your truth. I wish you peace and happiness. Please keep sharing your story its an inspiration to us all but especially to people who suffer depression. we still do not talk about it or acknowledge it enough in society. Your courage might help others to see some light. xx

Conor, it takes courage beyond measure to put such an experience into words....and what wise words they are. All the very best to you, and I hope you know you've changed the world by penning this. You're a credit to Cloyne, to Cork, to Ireland, and to humanity.

Brilliant Conor, amazing piece of writing. My parents are still talking about your appearance on Prime Time. I've suffered from depression since my early 20's. And to try and explain it to someone who hasn't had it is very difficult. You did it so eloquently. You are a credit to your family, friends and the community that reared you! My best wishes to you. You're a great young lad!

Conor you are amazing, strong and wonderful, thank you for sharing. If you ever feel like sharing this story in the book i am putting together 'Living a positive life' please feel free to contact me. I believe your story will make a real difference in our world. www.innerlightpublish.com

I am currently suffering (is suffer the right word?) from severe depression and I took have been on the brink of suicide, three times now this year I have seriously though about taking the easy way out and I felt the same. A sense of comfort that perhaps this could all be over soon. But then I look at my 4yo daughter and I know I could never leave her. I am lucky I have her otherwise I would have given up a long time ago. I am still on medication and battling it day by day but I have come to the realisation that depression will be with me for life, its just a matter of accepting that and teaching myself to stay on top of it. I like what you said about "your friend" visiting you from time to time. I know that this will be my life too, I can only hope and pray that I can get through the medicated stages because at the moment, its draining my creativity..

Thank you for your post, you have written it so well and so raw and described exactly how I have felt..

I want to say thank you.... I have started to talk to a counseller and i dont tell them anything anymore because its too hard. But you have made me want totell them everything. This has made me look at depression in a complete different way. I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. I start my journey today. Thank you, you are saving me <3

Your description of depression is so accurate maybe people who have never experienced it might have a better understanding of the weight you feel you carry around all day every day. People who commit suicide are not cowards they are just too tired to get through another day.

Many thanks Conor, this felt a lot like a meaningful "gift" in a moment when the trust to be able to manage or control this "enemy" is fading, and maybe it is fading because it is not an enemy or a monster but a "friend". your words were very helpful: "Once or twice a year, especially when I fall into old habits, my ‘friend’ pays me a visit. I don’t push him away or ignore him. I sit with him in a chair in a quiet room and allow him to come. I sit with the feeling." Thank you, Maria

I love the job I do, Conor, which is looking after people at their most vulnerable. There have been many times that I have found the man or woman whose family did go about their lives and it hurts me. You never get used to the pain that you witness in the families left behind to live without the "arm" they've lost.

I had often encouraged people toward strenuous exercise to release endorphins which lifts one's spirit temporarily. Your story, however, opens yet another avenue of treatment for me and that being getting people to face their histories. I have been in those shoes but have never seen vulnerability as a weakness but a part of being organic; being alive; being human.

Thank you, Conor, for sharing your story. I am certain it will help others to help themselves and others.

Thank you so much for sharing this. Two people close to my friends and family have taken their lives in the last few weeks, if only they could have seen this. Depression is something that we should all be talking about so that people know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you so much x

Conor I commend you for being so honest and truthful about your battle with depression. I am so happy for you and your family that you were able to overcome it and share your experience with the world today. Your story has so much depth and speaks so well to those who are living through it and for that reason alone I know it will help others to look for help just like you did. Thanks again for being so brave.

That is some battle you fought and won. You are a warrior for life; we can learn so much by virtue of the fact that you opened your heart and mind for us and by doing so you have widened the hearts and minds of those that read this. You have helped us all. God bless you.

Thank you so very much for this, the power of speech is second to none in a battle like yours. Depression is a lonely battle.. ..but maybe not anymore. Personal stories like yours being shared show others they are not unique in their suffering, someone else does know what's going on inside their head. Maybe there is a wind of change a blowing this week. . . . . . Thank god

Thank you Conor I have read your story twice and I could read it everyday for inspiration ,I have suffered all my life and now see my kids go through it breaks my heart but im so glad you told your story when you did it was a blessing for my oldest son Thanks again keep telling your story and end the stigma of mental illness <3

Takes a lot to come out with all of that and it's really lifting to see someone come back and make a fresh start from what was absolute hell when it could have been so easy to give up. It's seriously shocking that medication and electro therapy were seen as "cure" for depression in the 21st Century!!

An amazing piece. Conor, you will have saved lives by writing this. These stories need to be part of conversations - it will help people feel less isolated, give them hope, and remove the stigma from asking for, and receiving help.

Thank you, my mum suffered with depression all her life (she was 85 when she died) and this would really have helped her friends not to judge 'her moods'. Reading all these comments I see you have helped so many already

The kind of 'funny' thing after a while, depression is almost like a secret gift, it is a battle between ego and soul and your soul is up against your own personal ego which is often in alot of cases (as was my own) influenced by all the stuff around you, and your soul wants out, because it is who you really are as a person, not the image you think you are. So it is David v Goliath. It's only a 'funny' thing when you have conquered all (or most) of it, we may never conquer the whole lot of it, but life is short' is a romantic phrase only, life is in fact long, and we have as much time as we need on this Earth to find out who we are, why things have happened to us, what brought this energy into us, and all the questions you ever wondered about depression. It's not 'funny' when you are in a place I coined "the abyss", it is nowhere near funny. And it's not funny that many people take their lives because of it, so we have to help each other out, you find your true strength in beating depression but you find your greatest strength in helping people through it. I also help people on the internet and I respect the hell out of you for what you have written, are going through, and will conquer eventually, and I know, when you conquer it, you'll continue to help people who need it.

We will all get the gold one day, we just have to waddle through the muck until we know how to get there!

Well Done Conor for writing this post - and thank you for sharing your personal journey with us. It is inspiring and gives us hope. Another thing you might like to know about is a really interesting TED talk from Stephen Ilardi on Depression: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=drv3BP0Fdi8

What an emotional read. So glad you came out the other side to be able to share your story with others. I hope a lot of people will get comfort from your blog and be encouraged to seek help. Well done to you and to all those who helped you in your dark days.

Hi Conor, Thank you for such a wonderfully writing tale of you journey and ongoing relationship with depression. Brought a tear to my eye and spark a bolt of light in my heart. I hope you dont mind if i share this. Ive added it to my companies fb page the therapy lounge. Inspirational, cheers Michael Carthy

such a brave and courageous young man.. i wish i had the ability to pick myself up from the depths that i have reached.. some days are better than others 2day isnt one of them..i look at others with sadness in knowing they are living "normal" lives..i look at some with happiness knowing that i have made a difference in their lives.. i look at others with jealousy and pain wanting to be happy and comfortable.. most of all i look at me thru their eyes and see someone that isnt happy and think to myself stay inside alone that way i cant affect the "normal" people and depress them.. my family r who see me at my lowest and thats simply because i cant hide it from them.. iv just realised the tears are flowing and knowing someone out there feels the same and that maybe, just maybe i am "normal"... thanx connor xx

Reading your article has been a eye opener. It’s like the body and mind shout down to a dark place until you the person suffering pushes back the pain and creates a stronger you. The healing comes from other people talking and listening. Professional people and others. Thank you for your openness.

Wow Conor - I wonder if you'd give me a shout about helping me get the message out to the young people of Galway at a Celebrity soccer match (and i'm sure you can play) in aid of Samaritans and Act for Meningitis on Nov 29th? we would be privileged - email me actwithsams@gmail.com - many thanks Tony

Conor, What an incredibly courageous, moving and well written piece on what depression feels like for the sufferer and on your journey back to health. If you are struggling with this devastating and frightening condition and hiding it from your friends and family or if you are just someone struggling to understand a loved one's experience of this, this is an excellent piece to read.

Thank you Conor.Expressing yourself within these words obviously releases yourself and hopefully, many others including myself from the torment that is depression.We can all find ways to live with depression without ending our existence.We are all here for a reason. Bless you Conor.Good luck to all.

Hi Conor. I just wanted to let you know that I am a therapist and this is a beautifully written and inspiring description about the pain of depression. You are right...it is a friend for all of the reasons you have laid out here. I will be passing your story on to the many clients I work with who are struggling with their lives and I hope they will be as inspired as I am by your words. Wishing you all the best that life can bring. Bridin :)

Thanks for sharing Connor its a Inspirational piece of writing that has touched so many people. It gives so much hope and an understanding of depression and how it affects people. I think the 1 key in your life story that helps me is to befriend your depression but it can take a number of years living with it to see it that way. Thanks very much for sharing. God bless x

I have suffered forever. I too have a blog but I have to hide it as of course people will shame me and have shamed me. That is part of it. Feeling like you have to hide. And the way people just turn their backs. I am older. I dont know if it will ever go away. But, I and many others continue to "fight the good fight."xo

Great account, it was the first article I read from a link on facebook this morning, and that, in itself is significant. I think this might just help me as I have booked in for counselling in order to try and sort all my stuff out and move forward. Thanks for posting and stay well.

Well Done Conor. You described exactly how terrible depression is to deal with. Not being able to get out of bed. How crippling it is. I have leaned how to manage it better now. Turning positives into negatives, setting myself achievable goals, making yourself do things when you don't feel like it. Talking to the right person is essential. Thanks.

Hi Conor, I read and listened to your story this week on the newspapers and Radio, It is a powerful story and one of hope. I would like to openly invite you to a Tallaght Trialogue meeting, We meet every first Tuesday of the month usually at Tallaght IT, we openly discuss mental health well being, my own name is derry and can be contacted at derrymescal@yahoo.ie

Conor, Thanks for your courage in sharing your story. I have suffered from depression on and off for years, and your description is to spot on. I am now an associate producer of a show that we hope will help shed some light on mental illness and stop the stigma, so people feel like they can be open about it. Here's our site, if you're interested in learning more. www.Thisismybrave.com We also have a FB page and twitter @thisismybrave. We're in the US! Please keep sharing. You have a gift.

Hi Conor as a Bi polar sufferer and who suffers with extreme anxiety and panic attacks daily i want to thank you for sharing your experience and for your honesty,I wish you all the best in your recovery and ventures and Hope, well I know you have and will continue to help others.Thank you

Hi Conor,it's been a few weeks since seeing this and I still can't form words for my admiration. I just wanted to give a personal Thank You. You'll probably never remember me,but I met you a few years ago and bent your ear after losing my brother to suicide a few months previously. You were so kind and personable in giving me your time and it's always stayed with me,thank you.

Such a brave and moving account of what it's like to live with depression. this has been such a stigma so long and I applaud you for speaking so openly and honestly about your experiences. I saw your piece with Miriam O Callaghan and I'm left in tears, your words are a rallying point, there is a way through the darkness. So many people suffer in silence, for fear of rejection, or fear of being seen as not normal. What moved me most was that asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. It's OK to reach out to loved ones and let them know what's going on. They may not be able to do much, but the simple act of saying that you're having a tough time will bring out the best in those around you, and show you how valued and loved you really are.

Hi there, that was a really interesting piece, i got a lot out of it. I was just wondering about the psychologist you went to see, a friend of mine is looking for one at the moment and he sounds great, any chance you could pass on his details?

Hello people in this forumMy Name is Mrs. peter blessing, I was married to my husband for 10 years and we were both bless with three children, living together as one love, until 2012 when things was no longer the way the was [when he lost his job]. But when he later gets a new job 6 months after, he stated sleeping outside our matrimonial home. Only for me to find out that he was having an affair with the lady that gave he the job. since that day, when i called him, he don't longer pick up my calls and he nothing since to come out good. Yet my husbands just still keep on seeing the lady. Until I met a very good friend of my who was also having a similar problem, who introduced me to a very good love spell caster. But i told her that if it has to do with things that i am not interested, but she said that it has nothing to do with pay first. but the only thing he was ask to do was just to go and buy the items to cast the spell, and that was what she did. And she gave me the spell caster e-mail address and phone number. When i contacted him, solutionoflovespelltemple@gmail.com, i was so surprise when he said that if i have the faith that i will get my husband back in the nest three [3] day, and off which it was really so. but i was so shock that i did not pay any thing to prophet lord, but my husband was on his knells begging me and the children for forgiveness. This testimony is just the price i have to pay. This man Prophet lord is good and he is the author of my happiness. His e-mail address: solutionoflovespelltemple@gmail.com

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Hello people in this forumMy Name is Mrs. peter blessing, I was married to my husband for 10 years and we were both bless with three children, living together as one love, until 2012 when things was no longer the way the was [when he lost his job]. But when he later gets a new job 6 months after, he stated sleeping outside our matrimonial home. Only for me to find out that he was having an affair with the lady that gave he the job. since that day, when i called him, he don't longer pick up my calls and he nothing since to come out good. Yet my husbands just still keep on seeing the lady. Until I met a very good friend of my who was also having a similar problem, who introduced me to a very good love spell caster. But i told her that if it has to do with things that i am not interested, but she said that it has nothing to do with pay first. but the only thing he was ask to do was just to go and buy the items to cast the spell, and that was what she did. And she gave me the spell caster e-mail address and phone number. When i contacted him, solutionoflovespelltemple@gmail.com, i was so surprise when he said that if i have the faith that i will get my husband back in the nest three [3] day, and off which it was really so. but i was so shock that i did not pay any thing to prophet lord, but my husband was on his knells begging me and the children for forgiveness. This testimony is just the price i have to pay. This man Prophet lord is good and he is the author of my happiness. His e-mail address: solutionoflovespelltemple@gmail.com

Hello,My name is Nana Freya from Houston,taxes U S A.i never believed in love spells or magic until i met this spell caster once. when i went to Africa in April this year on a business summit. i meant a man called prophet lord.He is powerful he could help you cast a spells to bring back my love’s gone,misbehaving lover looking for some one to love you, bring back lost money and magic money spell or spell for a good job.i’m now happy & a living testimony cos the man i had wanted to marry left me 3 weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down cos our relationship has been on for 2 years… i really loved him, but his mother was against me and he had no good paying job. so when i met this spell caster, i told him what happened and explained the situation of things to him..at first i was undecided,skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try. and in 6 days when i returned to taxes, my boyfriend (is now my husband ) he called me by himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with his mom and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married..i didn’t believe it cos the spell caster only asked for my name and my boyfriends name and all i wanted him to do… well we are happily married now and we are expecting our little kid,and my husband also got a new job and our lives became much better. in case anyone needs the spell caster for some help, email address solutionoflovespelltemple@gmail.com prophet lord, i thank you very much thank you in great much to you and the good work you did to me and making my family happy again .. if you are having problem like this or with your family you will have to contact him now on solutionoflovespelltemple@gmail.com he is a great spell caster. once again thank you vey much prophet lord of solutionoflovespelltemple@gmail.com.