The hash, as always, has served as a luminary for San Francisco progressive values, and I’m proud to say we have proven this in our efforts towards our city’s Zero Waste mission. Hare Gobble My Ass kicked off the night by reusing most of Handpump, Ultrahead, and Hoseblower’s trail. As we all know, the flour and chalk shortage remains at crisis levels—reusing trail is very important because it allows us to spend more funds on the one thing we should not reuse—beer.

Trail was, as always, too short, too flat, with not enough checks at the beginning, and not enough police at the end. We should note that the police are not into Zero Waste policies. Upon seeing Hand Pump, On All Fours, Mary Tyler Whore, Dildo Baggins, Pencil Dick, Che Gayvera, and myself at the drink check, the officers collectively groaned, said, “Not this lot again,” and let us go in peace after we promised to move the keg.

Many of our hashers were inspired by the hare’s efforts. Stinky Floss experienced a crisis early in the night—her beast, Public Enema No. 2, had spent the entire afternoon destroying her landlord’s $10,000 rug, and had worked up a ferocious appetite. Who’s Your Daddy, Haireola, and Crabs were quick to oblige, dropping their logs on trail so that PE-2 could be sated.

Haireola has also found a new way for us to recycle body parts we might obtain from the morgue. Though I have no use for a vagankle, some people might be interested in turning to Google for inspiration (cough, cough, Gloryhole, Udder Moron, and Six Tits a Week).

Slap A Bag of Dickzzz and Hold My Bitch also hold the ideals of reuse very dear to heart. I think we all agree that recycling is very important, and if you are able to use your wedding ring as a sex toy, more power to you. But please, Slap A Bag of Dickzzz, sanitize that thing and put it back where it belongs before you go out in public.

Given that there was no rain in January, we are in a serious water shortage. Hashers, as always, are resourceful. Instead of wasting water by bathing individually, Just Get It Over With, Dildo Baggins, Blowqueen, Tears of Semen, and a few other hashers gathered together for the communal bathing ritual known as Hot Tubbing. Dick Simmons, channeling the ghost of Voyeur, captured the moment for everyone to enjoy. Apparently other Hot Tubbing rituals occurred simultaneously, but we’ll hold off on accusations until the photographic evidence inevitably emerges.

Deep Stroke could not contain herself on trail, gathering all the tin cans and broken bottles she could find. Unfortunately, this led to not one, but two bloody gashes on her hands. Just Shawna and Tears of Semen, hearing the words “bloody gash,” rushed to her aid. Sister Fister’s helpful kit has saved yet another victim from lockjaw—sorry Cum Guzzling Cockaholic, better luck next week.

We also have been repurposing our virgins as of late. Besides Just Shawna, our temporary EMT, we had Just Enzo who had jumped out of his mother’s car on a Bernal Heights trail and joined us. Though technically having always lost his virginity already, we’ll allow it because he told us his mom made him come. Finally Millimeter Peter is recycling Wee Wee’s old college friends as his own—no crime here, most of my friends are JDGI’s.

We had one visitor from Texas and several returners, including Just Angela, Just Dylan, and Just Ian—the latter of whom committed the most heinous crime of the night by bringing NEW SHOES. Just Ian was quickly educated on our hashes eco-friendly policies and submitted to using his footwear as his vessel.

I think we did a good job all around this week, guys, and next Monday will yield even more exciting opportunities for reuse, given that our trail starts at the same spot as the Gypsies. Please remember to bring your homemade Tiaras, preferably with as much barbed wire and broken glass as you can find.