1492: Conquest of Paradise Drinking Game

The latest version of Columbus Day is upon us, the celebration of the man who risked it all to sail for weeks into the unknown, searching for riches beyond reality. The results of discovering the new world were disastrous for the natives, beneficial for Europeans, and mostly met with apathy for history and gratitude to the federal government for granting a longer weekend for our precious schoolchildren by today’s population.

Before there was Gladiator and G.I. Jane, Ridley Scott tried his hand at an epic called 1492: Conquest of Paradise, released by Paramount to celebrate the 500th anniversary of Columbus’ “discovery”. This movie lost nearly 40 million dollars, more than double the highest estimates of the original population of Natives living in North America. Karma’s a bitch, eh?

Nothing can get you excited for indigenous imperialism (and Portuguese Socialism) like the score for 1492 can. Echoing themes of the Hunt for Red October, the songs match with the epic scenes perfectly, setting the stage for even better work on subsequent Scott films.

Unfortunately, sitting through this slog of an epic is difficult. Chris Columbus is almost as difficult to understand as the drunken Irish chauffeur in The Quiet Man, and Queen Isabella’s personality is laughable in its lack of elitism. But there is a lesson to be learned. Did you know that Columbus didn’t originally instigate any violence, it was Count de Rochefort of Musketeers fame? That evil bastard couldn’t help himself, he just demanded respect and some indigenous action.

No-one needs an excuse to imbibe, so this Columbus Day, enhance your high and celebrate by shedding some light on history and watching this film with some ales.