to be bored with myself and to want to become a Jilly Cooper character for the winter?

I want to sit in front of a fire of apple logs, wearing only a Dark Blue towel.

I want a rosy-cheeked face which I have to tone down with green foundation, instead of looking like a corpse unless I put on loads of blusher.

I want to drink three quarters of a bottle of Moet before doing ANYTHING. (Including: getting up in the morning or taking an important exam.)

I want an Absolutely Filthy Mini instead of a people carrier.

I want DH to do thumb exercises so that the ball of his thumb becomes pudgy because apparently that's sexy or something .

I want to lose loads and loads of weight every time I am a bit sad about something, so that everyone who thought I was a minger before is suddenly struck by my beauty, instead of eating cakes to cheer myself up and getting fatter.

And when I am ill, I won't have to wait for three hours in some bacteria ridden surgery, that nice Dr Benson will just happen to be passing on his way to/from a dinner party and will examine me, whilst wearing his dinner jacket, as I lie in my four-poster with its rose-pink curtains

"She has been making too much green tomato chutney" he will say, "She needs to rest and must eat nothing but smoked salmon and scrambled eggs for three days. And she needs another ash tray."

I want to walk down to the village shop (past hedgerows groaning with blackberries and Old Man's Beard) to buy quiche and Sancerre, instead of pushing a trolley past people I have never seen before in Sainsburys.

Loving this - could do with being secretly tempted by dashing young males. Having lots of children cavorting effortlessly around the house rather than them and me being glued to peppa pig.Drinking to drown sorrows and forgetting to eat.