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My Own Worst Enemy

Dear Reader,

I thought I was hitting a turning point in my depression. As I said before, sometimes my feelings of suicide get so immense that I make excuses to be around people because I know it’s the only way I will be safe. Well, I chose not to really acknowledge it, but for the last week I have been cutting meetings with people short. This is not like me, usually I am around someone until they leave but three times in the last 4 days I have made an excuse and left some form of socialising. I don’t think any of the people involved noticed, then again, they probably did because this is so our of character for me. I’m the first one to arrive last one to leave kind of person. But in the last few days I have become the last one to arrive and the first to leave. I have no idea what has brought on this sudden change of character.

For example, today I met a friend for a drink. I made excuses to meet her later than planned. Then when I was there I stayed for an hour before I began to hint that I was tired and wanted to go. She suggested the cinema, usually I would never turn down an opportunity to go to the cinema, but this time I did. I pretty much left straight after this. Upon returning home the first thing I did was crawl back into bed and listened to the same CD on repeat because I didn’t want to get out of bed and change it.

Just as I think I’m getting better I realise that I’m actually getting worse. I may not be suicidal today, but I left a place I would have been safe to return to my “pit” this is a sign of regression.

I am becoming my own worst enemy and this scares me. I have never been a flaky person, if I say I’m going to be somewhere and do something I am. And I do it, but I’m starting to flake out of socialising. Tomorrow I’m supposed to be meeting some friends for lunch and I have spent the day freaking out about it. And even worse, I’m freaking out about having to go to work! I have always had aspects of social anxiety disorder, I have had panic attacks and never told anyone about them before. In fact, only one person has ever experienced me having a panic attack. But suddenly my social anxiety has got a lot worse and this terrifies me. In fact writing this and acknowledging what is happening to me is genuinely making me feel like I might have a panic attack.