Saturday, February 17, 2007

OK, you all are getting tired of this baby sleep thing, but it completely rules my life.

Last night around midnight, Julian woke up crying because his covers weren't on. This woke Katrina, but Dave and I were talking about Julian and I didn't get to her right away. She cried, whimpered, cried...and went back to sleep!. Holy Cow!

She woke up later for real around 4am, nursed like her life depended on it, and went right back to sleep!!!!

But it doesn't end there. This morning, she woke up happy around 7am. I got up with her and the boys, and kept a close eye on her, knowing she'd need her solid reliable morning nap soon. And when she needed it, I put her down and she was calm. I made a split-second decision: NO PACIFIER.

She was fine! At first, that is....then she started to cry. I clenched my teeth, hanging on -- was she going to make it? Cry, cry, one scream....whimper, cry...then nothing. Nothing! She went to sleep!!! It took about 15 minutes, but she pulled it off: the morning nap without the pacifier. I was beside myself.

Not only that, but her next two naps were also sans pacifier. One nap took a little crying, the next, none. Both times, she was tired enough that she closed her eyes right away and grabbed the magic satin blanket.

By tonight, I was feeling quite confident about bedtime, and that panned out. Katrina went right to bed, was quiet for a while, then cried, then yakked, then whimpered, then to sleep. But I didn't even worry about it. No angst, no wringing my hands next to the monitor, no searing pangs of guilt. She wasn't even that stressed while crying.

Like with most things with babies, this certainly isn't the last chapter, but it does seem we've passed a big hurdle. yay!

After Katrina's second nap, she was in a great mood. Far, far better than yesterday -- today she had many happy moments, both on her own in a bouncer or playing on our laps.

I had a nice time sitting in the backyard this afternoon with Katrina and Gabriel, enjoying the unusually balmy weather. Naturally, my prime source of entertainment was taking pictures, though most of the time I was talking with Gabriel about babies and other random kid-things that popped into his mind.Gabriel had a great time lying on the ground and looking at the sky with his little sister, reminding me of how much he loved doing that when he was her age.(That's Gabriel at 4 months old in the tye-dye onesie.)

I never thought in a million years I'd ever say this, but right now, Gabriel is far and away the easiest of the three. That's largely because of his age, but 5-year-olds aren't famous for being cooperative, either. He could be quite difficult if he wanted to be, but right now he seems to enjoy being fun. And fun he is: cooperative, engaged, curious, playful -- utterly delightful.And he absolutely adores his baby sister.

Ugh...the saga of Julian's tummy continues. Two changes of underpants today, one throwup into the toilet this afternoon. But he seemed and acted fine otherwise. Until bedtime. As soon as he went to bed, beewwww--aaahh. Major hurl. More laundry. What is with him?! He doesn't even act that sick, but clearly something is troubling him!

I spent a lot of time upstairs today, rearranging things, going through and getting rid of clothes, trying to figure out who gets what dressers and where they'll fit. Most of the work is in our bedroom, but there's also some in the kids' rooms also. I'm really surprised at myself about how much I love having a "nursery." I poo-poo'd the idea the first two times: after all, they outgrow the baby phase so fast, and I wasn't into the cuteness. This time, I feel pleased walking into a room that is so obviously a baby's room, and has all the baby things in it. Maybe that's because of the squalor we've been living in downstairs -- I LOVE having a real changing table, for instance, and separate laundry for baby's clothes. The crib I know is temporary, but nothing in that room is permanently baby. It will easily transition to toddler and little kid.

I think about my organized friend Kristi, the antithesis to the pack rat, and how she keeps nothing they don't use. I'm telling myself to be brutal, getting rid of clothes I like but never wear for whatever reason, and things that I love and wore so much that they're hard to part with, and things that I've never really liked but kept. I'm not a student anymore, I don't have to scrounge.

This experience living downstairs for a year with no closet and storing all my shirts and socks on five 11" wide shelves, not to mention going through a pregnancy with only one bagful of clothes, has taught me quite a lesson. I wear only a fraction of the clothes I have, and I need even less. Time to improve my signal-to-noise ratio. No junk allowed in my new closet.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Argh. Lousy day. I don't know what Katrina's deal is, but pretty much every waking moment today was spent crying to be held, or being held. This is as much emotionally exhausting as physically.

On top of it, Julian's poor tummy put him into Pull-Ups today. He just couldn't get to the bathroom in time, several times. But he was mortified when I suggested he put pants on over his Pull-Ups. "But Mommy, Pull-Ups are for pajamas!" Foreign Concept #1: Julian doesn't know that Pull-Ups can be worn during the daytime, even though many kids pass through a Pull-Up phase while potty-training. That's because Tonya doesn't potty-train with Pull-Ups, and neither did we. I'm sorry to say that they served their purpose today. Enough said.

After Katrina's morning nap, I was very frustrated that even at her best time of the day, I couldn't set her down without her crying. The exersaucer would buy me a few minutes, but that was it.

Going to the Y was out of the question due to Julian's tummy troubles. Staying at home was no fun, I could already feel my wrists swelling from all the baby carrying. How could I exercise, keep Julian closeby, and entertain baby all at the same time?

Answer: take them out in the double jogging stroller.

One of the few things I hate doing even more than the treadmill is actually running, especially on pavement, especially with ancient non-running sneakers, and especially pushing a stroller. But that's how desperate I was.I jogged laboriously to Ortega Park, in search of a par course that seems to have been landscaped out with the recent upgrades to the park.Julian wanted to get out and play in the rotunda, so I did some lunges and other exercises you can do without using the ground or any equipment.

My resentment and frustration gradually gave way to sympathy (baby was just bored, poor thing) and a slightly improved mood. My instinct to get my blood pumping, one way or another, was correct. It always picks me up.Then we did something radical. I took the stroller straight to Kids Inc and picked up Gabriel from pre-K.

Foreign Concept #2: you can walk home?! Gabriel couldn't understand how we were going to get home, and asked me who took our car. Oh, such a product of the suburbs!! It took less time to walk home than I expected, but it's a very noisy, dangerous and unpleasant walk along busy Homestead Road, so we won't be making a habit of it.

When Katrina saw Gabriel picking him up today, the clouds parted and her face shone. The first big smiles of the day were to greet her big brother. That's not the first time that's happened, either. She really really loves Gabriel. The second she looks at me, it's all pouts and tears. (And who can blame her; I'm an unshowered frumpy mess.)

That was the good part of the day. The rest of it was pretty much spent either getting short breaks during Katrina's micro-naps, or trying to get things done in the few minutes she wouldn't cry as I was holding her, or, getting things done while holding her.I did get to have some crying-free holding-free lunch for about 10 minutes, thanks to an adorable developmentally correct dog toy. I think that I got this for my niece, Remi, and it came back to us with thousands of other baby clothes and toys.

Tonight during dinner, I showed the boys how I'd make a behavior chart, for which they'd get a gold star for good behavior, and a black circle for not good. I had high hopes for this method. The results were surprising: very effective on Gabriel, and a miserable failure on Julian!! Well, Gabriel's been very good lately anyway. I know full well from years of painful experience that if Gabriel wanted to put his fighting suit on, no chart would stop him.Before dinner, the boys had a grand time together, dumping out just about every box of toys they had, just to make a big pile and scatter everything. I told them they'd have to clean up everything in the family room after dinner. By now, they'd each earned a few black circles (Julian) or gold stars (Gabriel), and were used to the idea. Gabriel tackled the cleanup task eagerly, but Julian putzed around and pretended to ignore Dave. The promise of a gold star, and even seeing it on Gabriel's chart, had stopped being an incentive. The end was predictable: time ran out, Julian's toys got put into the garage (as warned numerous times), and he cried and cried about this mean "surprise" punishment, vowing to be good and clean up. Supposedly, giving a warning and carrying out the consequence consistently teaches them that you mean business. I'm still waiting.

Sleep Report: Katrina woke up last night at midnight and 4am. I nursed her both times. The first time, she cried for about 20 minutes before going back to sleep. The second time, she just went right back to sleep. I stayed upstairs after the second time nursing and got a good solid 3 hours of sleep. While to most people that would sound awful, to me it's a dream. Three continuous hours! And more than once a night!

Note that since she's upstairs now, to nurse her, I take her out of her room and into our bedroom, nurse, then bring her back. So there's really no chance to nurse to sleep, since transporting her back to her room wakes her up. Heaven forbid she rest her head on my shoulder and doze off as I'm carrying her. Not this baby.

But this afternoon of micro-snoozes was a problem. All her naps are still pacifier-induced, and this afternoon, we were back to the pacifier falling out, putting it back in, falling out, sleeping for a few minutes, crying, put it back in, etc; until I'd give up on the nap and then have to carry around a grouchy baby.

Her morning nap is the most solid and reliable; afternoon naps dicey. So which nap do I start weaning the pacifier with: the solid morning nap, in which she sucks to sleep within a minute? Or the fussy afternoon nap, which surely would result in lots of crying? Bear in mind that naps are essential to good nighttime sleep -- and other naps too!

Bedtime report: nothing short of a miracle. Bedtime routine started late, 8:30: nurse, bath, PJs, cuddle attempts (I have to go through the motions even if she doesn't relax), sing-song, lights low, put in crib, semi-swaddle. Katrina cried immediately. I put the magic blanket in her hands. I hoped for the best, went downstairs and anxiously turned on the monitor.

Nothing.

Check monitor. On, working, set correctly.

Nothing.

NOTHING!!

OK, there's something. Sucking sounds, some gurgles and noises, But NO CRYING!!!!!!

About 15 minutes later, I heard her start to fuss-cry, then cry hard, a scream or two, but 5 minutes after that, nothing.

Nothing. NOTHING! NO CRYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND SHE'S ASLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We're on track! YAY BABY!

My analysis: she catches on fast (unlike her brothers), but resists (very much like one of her brothers), hard (but not as hard as said one brother).

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Today was the day! Katrina took her first nap in the crib in her room!

And just in time too; she's seriously outgrowing the Pack'n'Play bassinet.

Sleep Report: An hour and twenty minutes to go to sleep again last night, with interruptions. But, she woke up every 3 hours or so during the night. Most parents of 4-month-olds would consider this dreadful, but it's such an improvement that I'm OK with it. For now. I nursed her each time she woke up, but it wasn't clear she was hungry, and I don't want to develop a new dependency.

But, she didn't go back to sleep after nursing....disaster! Or was it? Turns out, a soft blanket with a satin edge that Sara gave us is a real hit. Instead of sucking on the pacifier, Katrina now grabs this blanket and sticks it in her face, sometimes even sucking on it. Last night at 3:30am when she wouldn't go back to sleep after nursing, I put a blanket corner in her hand, and it had almost the same effect as the pacifier: she calmed right down. Verr-ry interesting. The advice to give the baby a "lovey," or an object to get attached to, never worked with the boys. But clearly Katrina is comforted by having something familiar to hold or suck on. I'm perfectly happy with this blanket being a substitute for the pacifier.

So today, Katrina's morning nap was in the carseat, falling asleep on the way home from music class. OK, I can live with that. Her afternoon nap, I put her in the crib with as many familiar things as possible -- including the pacifier. Once she's used to the crib, and is more used to going to sleep at night without the pacifier, then out it goes for naps too.

And boy was she a happy, gooey, gurgling baby when she woke up from her 2-hour afternoon nap in her new room. I daresay she found it more interesting in there!

Just to complete the sleep report: tonight, Dave and I went to our usual skating class, then dinner. I felt bad doing this to Peggy, but Katrina was going to have to cry in her crib to sleep tonight, without the pacifier. But Peggy said she did great! It took about 25 minutes of off-and-on crying/fussing -- not screaming -- and she went to sleep. Ye-yayyy!!!

Peggy also commented that she had to let Evan, her 5-month-old, cry to sleep recently too, and he screamed for 3 hours. It struck me how little angst she had about it. Clearly, it wasn't pleasant, but she just seemed to accept that it was necessary, and preferable doing it now than when he's older. Perhaps it's from being raised in another culture (Peggy is from Mexico City), and perhaps partly because she's such a cool cucumber anyway, but she wasn't wracked by guilt about it. And she certainly isn't a detached parent, and her daughter certainly isn't distant or insecure. Geez, Miranda is one of the most confident and outspoken kids I know. I felt better knowing other moms go through this too, and some aren't that bothered by it. I still SO wish there were another way. Barring that, I SO wish this way were over!

Julian's turn. He woke up this morning at 5:30am with another nasty nosebleed. He had a slight temperature, 100, that faded, so I took him to music class. Back at home, he was playing quietly, then called for me: "Mommm-my!" Pooped in his pants. WHAT a mess. After his nap, another slight temp. Then he pooped in his pants again while Peggy was here. (He's not just having random accidents, it's diarrhea.) Needless to say, no preschool tomorrow.

Fun kid anecdote time. I should do this every day. There's no shortage of material, after all!

In music class today, we had a substitute teacher, who was OK (though I liked Teacher Danny better!). Usually, music teachers show a picture from the music book before one song of the session, and it's not that big a part of class, or that big a deal if they don't. Gabriel would never, ever look at them. But today after music class, Julian told me that new teacher had forgotten to show pictures. I was surprised, I'd never have thought he'd notice. I certainly didn't.

Yesterday, Gabriel and Julian were putting together a puzzle....well, Julian was doing the puzzle and Gabriel took over, ordering him around. I heard Gabriel criticizing the way Julian was working: "No, those are bad qualities!" Qualities?!

As I type, Katrina is asleep upstairs in the -- dare I say it -- "nursery," while Dave and I are still sleeping downstairs. But a baby who doesn't sleep all night, and a mom suffering separation anxiety, will be the fastest motivators ever for us to get our things, and us, upstairs soon!

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Baby's smile is back! Katrina was in a better mood today, though still far short of her 3-month-old exuberant self.Cleaners were here this morning, so we had to skedaddle. I took Julian (who I had to pick up from Tonya's -- not supposed to be there after throwing up last night) and Katrina in the double jogging stroller, in the hopes of meeting up with the Cuperinto 2006 group at 9:45am. No sign of anyone congregating in the parking lot, so I instead took the kids on our old hike. It was so nice to be back there, though I sure missed yakking with my mom friends! We hiked every week, on and off for several years, it was quite a mainstay. Another thing I loved. But it's always nice to see the hills and trees and the trail and absorb the outdoors.

As it turns out, I ran into the 2004/2006 "group" anyway, which consisted of two moms, one who I knew and one who I'd only talked to in email. We stood chatting for a while, and I was glad to get in at least some commiseration for the baby stress. I need it!

On the tail end of the hike, a crampy feeling I've had for two days turned into gas-pain-like knives in my stomach. I hate that feeling. Every step got more and more painful. I was relieved to get to the car, but felt exhausted and wiped out and just awful.

Boom. Another temperature this afternoon. This can't be happening! 101.4. But the sharp gas pains were the worst part, and tormented me all day and night, and even as I type. It's hard to carry my high-maintenance baby around when I can't take any pressure on my tummy.

Mercifully, I got about a 45-minute nap after getting Katrina down easily with ... you guessed it, the pacifier. I just had no energy for The Fight. And it's not clear anymore I should. If she takes the pacifier to sleep, fine. But if she won't take it, then it's back to crying. Eventually I'll phase it out entirely.

Sleep report: An hour and 20 minutes of crying last night, then baby fell asleep on her own. But it didn't end there; she woke up and cried for about 10 minutes. Then around 3am, she woke up, I nursed her, but she didn't go back to sleep!!! Dreadful! Picking her up to comfort her only made it worse. I double-checked everything: clean diaper, no wet pajamas from spitup, clearly tired, lots of holding and comfort and back-rubbing. Nothing doing. Sorry, baby. I put her back down and went upstairs, leaving the crying to Dave, who can block it out much more easily.

By the time I settled into bed upstairs, I didn't hear any crying, so she'd gotten over it in about 10 minutes again. And I got a good morning's sleep, except for the interruption from the intensely sharp pains in my abdomen. Katrina slept solidly until about 8:30am, just fine.

I got thinking about Betsy's remark that it was easier to get Dylan down if she got him to bed early, like 6:30 or 7:00pm. Of course, babies don't get much more agreeable than Dylan, but it's a useful data point anyway.So I gave Katrina an early bath, and am typing this quickly before embarking on the bedtime battle. I'm happy to say that giving her a bath will now immediately curtail a Fuss, and indeed tonight she was happy and playful in the bath. I'll have to hold onto that memory, because what's coming will be anything but happy.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

For once I'll try to write this quickly, to put this day out of its misery.

After two hours of crying last night, it came to be time -- past time -- to nurse Katrina. And so she went to sleep.

I feel irrationally angry at every sleep expert and advice-touter and method there is. It's supposed to be less crying each night, not more!

But once again, the difference in her nighttime sleep was...well, night and day. Falling asleep without the pacifier meant that she slept solidly, with only one wakeup at 3:30am to nurse. No waking up every few minutes fussing for the pacifier.

After yesterday's no-nap trauma, I was faced with a real dilemma today. What's more important: continuing the pacifier withdrawal, or getting good naps? This morning, I decided she needed a solid morning nap to start off the day, and gave her the pacifier so she'd fall asleep quickly and easily. And she did. Rationalization: fix things one at a time; I can't change everything at once. For what it was worth, I took the pacifier away as soon as she was asleep, so she didn't nibble throughout the nap.So this morning, Julian helped me decorate some cookies, and I packed up a tortilla-cheese-pear rollup snack, and some valentines. Katrina woke up just in time to nurse and go to Kristi's for a Valentine's playgroup, though she woke up crying and grumpy.Julian and I had a great time at Kristi's house, hanging out with friends, munching yummy snacks, and enjoying the kid mayhem.

Katrina, on the other hand, was fussy and unhappy, so I was very grateful for some help from Danielle, Kristi's photogenic nanny. Katrina did something for the first time ever there: she fell asleep on me! It was to be the first of many mini-snoozes throughout the day.After Kristi's, I picked up Gabriel and took all three kids on a potentially life-changing errand: to enter the lottery at an alternative elementary school. The lady taking applications turned out to be a neighbor of mine who I'd met about two years ago, and I had a pang of guilt that she was volunteering at the school. Will I do that? I feel like I should!

(What did I say about writing this quickly?!)

The afternoon was a bust. Katrina was tired and miserable, but couldn't nap. I tried several times to get her to sleep without the pacifier, to no avail. Even with the pacifier, she slept for only 15-20 minutes at a time. She was a mess. While trying to make dinner, she cried so hard, and had been spitting up so much, that I was getting worried that her tummy was bothering her. After nearly an hour of nonstop carrying and bouncing (while trying to prepare dinner and keep the boys from throttling each other), I tried putting her down again, with pacifier, and she went to sleep.

Dave came home 5 minutes later to a peaceful scene, which Katrina joined about 20 minutes later, all googly and sweet. Wait! No fair! She hasn't been herself all day, and she reserves it for when Dave's home?! That sure took weight out of my story of how hard it had been this afternoon!

But now, I had to face: bedtime. After numerous times with the pacifier today, which seemed like the right -- only -- thing to do at the time, now I knew it was time to own up. Now I had to ask her to go to bed without it. Is that really fair? Doesn't sound like it. But not napping all day, like yesterday, is no good either. I'd forgotten that the worst thing about baby sleep is just not knowing what to do, what's right, what's fair, what works, what short-term victories sacrifice long-term success.

After nursing, bath, calm-down time (in theory), it was time to put Katrina to bed. She started to cry even before I put her down, knowing full well what was coming. And so did I. Would she stick it out for 2-1/2 hours, until enough time had passed that she was probably hungry now?

No! She didn't! After an hour and twenty minutes of crying, she fell asleep. I never thought I'd feel good about saying that. And I don't really; I don't feel good about listening to my baby cry for even twenty seconds. But it wasn't two hours like last night, and she did fall asleep on her own.

I think tonight we made an unwitting discovery that all the checking on her only sets her backward, since tonight we had to prepare for the cleaners and just couldn't pay as much attention. And, when she catches sight of one of us going into the room, she's re-energized. I hate to say it, but she really needs to be in her own room. Oh, Dr. Sears, how far I've strayed.

Did I say prepare for the cleaners?! Oh brother! Cleaners tomorrow! So much for making darn certain baby gets a good morning nap!

On top of it, after not eating dinner, Julian cried and cried and complained that his tummy hurt. I believed him, and tried to comfort him, but what can you do except wait? And sure enough, he produced, throwing up in his bed. So tonight, he's sleeping in the living room, close to us, with spare bedding at the ready. I give it 75% odds he'll throw up in the middle of the night. Unless he bounds out of bed in the morning and requests breakfast, he's skipping preschool tomorrow.

Just what I need. A tired, fussy baby, and a sick toddler when I have to be out of the house all morning.

Is it possible Julian didn't like the fish I served for dinner tonight? He spit out a huge mouthful of it, then didn't eat anything else. Gabriel, to my delight, couldn't get enough of it. "Mom, can I PLEASE have more fish?!" I didn't make enough; I had to give him most of mine. Yay! I forgot to tell him what kind of fish it was, a shame because kids always like funny names. He'd get a kick out of eating mahi-mahi.

You know, I'm glad this entry turned long, because it reminds me that really, I did have a good day. Though I feel traumatized and depressed by this baby sleep process, it's good to remember that I had a really fun morning, got an important errand run, and made a good step toward straightening out baby sleep tonight.

Monday, February 12, 2007

Against my nap religion, I took Katrina to the Y this morning, hoping for a quick workout before she took her solid reliable morning nap. But when I picked her up from the Childwatch, the lady told me cheerily that Katrina had just woken up. Meaning, she got a brief snooze. The Childwatch ladies actually try to get the babies to sleep, figuring this is a good thing. And it is, for them.

But for me, disaster. Though I was glad for my quick workout, I paid dearly. Other than another 5-minute doze-off in the car on the way to pick up Julian, Katrina didn't nap again for 5 solid hours. That's an eternity for a baby, especially having essentially missed a morning nap!

After picking the boys up this afternoon, I took all three kids grocery shopping. I didn't want Katrina to fall asleep in the stroller, thinking foolishly that she'd have a better chance of taking a nap at home, so I carried her in the sling. She did fine, and even smiled weakly at people, though she was very very tired at the time. I thought I was really pushing it and that she'd zonk the moment we'd get home. Hah.

I was determined, at first, to get her to nap without the pacifier. But it became clear after many hours, including some futile crying alone in the bassinet, that she was way, way overtired and only continued to work herself up.

Now what? Do I stick out the learning moment, or cut my losses and do whatever it takes to get her past it?

(I might remind you the kind readers who don't have 4-month-old babies at the moment how stressful a tired baby is. They don't sit gurgling in a bouncer, they cry and fuss and cause intense stress for Mom. 5 minutes of that is intense, so 5 hours of it can drive you out of your mind.)Desperate, I gave her the pacifier, and within minutes, she'd calmed down and was asleep. That answers that. The 5-hour nap drought was finally over. I thought.

I lay down right away, something I'd been waiting for all morning. Fighting a migraine, this day would have felt a whole lot different for me if Katrina had allowed me even just 20 minutes of a nap myself.

But it didn't end there. 15 minutes into her long-overdue nap, Katrina woke up suddenly, crying. Pacifier. 5 minutes later, more crying. Pacifier again. Instants later, more crying. More pacifier.

An all-too-familiar cycle. Not again! I gave up, picked her up and figured we'd just have to wait it out until the next nap. But she was way, way tired. I nursed her, put her down -- cried again. I threw up my hands and gave her the evil pacifier one more time.

And now she's been asleep long enough for me to type this tale, about 30 minutes. A record so far today.Meantime, Gabriel fell asleep on the family room floor, in quite the odd position (knees up, hands under his back), and Julian is thankfully taking his nap too. All three asleep at the same time -- a hard-won victory.

I should have skipped the Y this morning. In fact, I need to stop going anywhere in the mornings until we get nighttime sleep and daytime naps straightened out. No more messing up naps. But I really want to go to the park tomorrow at 10:30 for a little Valentine's Day thing with my mom's group. Smack dab when baby needs her most solid nap of the day. I don't know how to make that happen.

What guilt today. Guilt at letting her cry. Guilt at using the pacifier. Guilt listening to a radio interview with an author who wrote about her experience with cancer and infertility. Here all these women call into the show to share their heartbreak with miscarriage and not getting pregnant, and I'm complaining about life with a bounding, healthy, lively baby I didn't even try for, at an age of drastically reduced ovarian function.

Then there's an article I came across while cleaning out old stacks of magazines, one copied from Mothering magazine and handed out at prenatal yoga, about babies "crying it out." According to this article, studies correlate even five minutes of crying alone to a damaged psyche, detachment to parents, and all sorts of problems later in life. That kind of guilt I really don't need.(Well, attempted guilt on the part of the authors, as I do know the difference between correlation and causation. Mothering magazine is full of weak claims that don't stand up to methodological scrutiny.)

And what about last night?

After an hour and twenty minutes of crying, with some breaks, and a lot of me picking her up and comforting her (moreso to comfort me than her!), Katrina cried herself to sleep. That's the first -- and so far only -- time. She woke up once at 3am, nursed eagerly, and went right back to sleep. That's one well-justified wakeup. That furthers my conviction that the pacifier is causing the nighttime wakeup problems. Two nights, no pacifier, and her sleep is completely different.

Yet out came the pacifier again today when I couldn't take the suffering anymore -- mine nor hers. I can't do that again, it only makes it worse for both of us. I think I'd have managed today if I'd been able to get 20 minutes myself this morning, just enough to tip the migraine battle in my favor. Migraines and momhood don't mix.

All this sleep angst doesn't make for very enjoyable reading, does it. The writing of it is essential for me though. On the surface, that seems counterintuitive -- why relive it?!

So, some fun baby news:

Katrina made her first raspberry today! The times today she was her usual buoyant self, she made all sorts of adorable sounds, including raspberries and variants. This provides no end of amusement to her brothers, of course. And it's a welcome moment of baby love for wiped-out Mom.

Against my nap religion, I took Katrina to the Y this morning, hoping for a quick workout before she took her solid reliable morning nap. But when I picked her up from the Childwatch, the lady told me cheerily that Katrina had just woken up. Meaning, she got a brief snooze. The Childwatch ladies actually try to get the babies to sleep, figuring this is a good thing. And it is, for them.

But for me, disaster. Though I was glad for my quick workout, I paid dearly. Other than another 5-minute doze-off in the car on the way to pick up Julian, Katrina didn't nap again for 5 solid hours. That's an eternity for a baby, especially having essentially missed a morning nap!

After picking the boys up this afternoon, I took all three kids grocery shopping. I didn't want Katrina to fall asleep in the stroller, thinking foolishly that she'd have a better chance of taking a nap at home, so I carried her in the sling. She did fine, and even smiled weakly at people, though she was very very tired at the time. I thought I was really pushing it and that she'd zonk the moment we'd get home. Hah.

I was determined, at first, to get her to nap without the pacifier. But it became clear after many hours, including some futile crying alone in the bassinet, that she was way, way overtired and only continued to work herself up.

Now what? Do I stick out the learning moment, or cut my losses and do whatever it takes to get her past it?

(I might remind you the kind readers who don't have 4-month-old babies at the moment how stressful a tired baby is. They don't sit gurgling in a bouncer, they cry and fuss and cause intense stress for Mom. 5 minutes of that is intense, so 5 hours of it can drive you out of your mind.)Desperate, I gave her the pacifier, and within minutes, she'd calmed down and was asleep. That answers that. The 5-hour nap drought was finally over. I thought.

I lay down right away, something I'd been waiting for all morning. Fighting a migraine, this day would have felt a whole lot different for me if Katrina had allowed me even just 20 minutes of a nap myself.

But it didn't end there. 15 minutes into her long-overdue nap, Katrina woke up suddenly, crying. Pacifier. 5 minutes later, more crying. Pacifier again. Instants later, more crying. More pacifier.

An all-too-familiar cycle. Not again! I gave up, picked her up and figured we'd just have to wait it out until the next nap. But she was way, way tired. I nursed her, put her down -- cried again. I threw up my hands and gave her the evil pacifier one more time.

And now she's been asleep long enough for me to type this tale, about 30 minutes. A record so far today.Meantime, Gabriel fell asleep on the family room floor, in quite the odd position (knees up, hands under his back), and Julian is thankfully taking his nap too. All three asleep at the same time -- a hard-won victory.

I should have skipped the Y this morning. In fact, I need to stop going anywhere in the mornings until we get nighttime sleep and daytime naps straightened out. No more messing up naps. But I really want to go to the park tomorrow at 10:30 for a little Valentine's Day thing with my mom's group. Smack dab when baby needs her most solid nap of the day. I don't know how to make that happen.

What guilt today. Guilt at letting her cry. Guilt at using the pacifier. Guilt listening to a radio interview with an author who wrote about her experience with cancer and infertility. Here all these women call into the show to share their heartbreak with miscarriage and not getting pregnant, and I'm complaining about life with a bounding, healthy, lively baby I didn't even try for, at an age of drastically reduced ovarian function.

Then there's an article I came across while cleaning out old stacks of magazines, one copied from Mothering magazine and handed out at prenatal yoga, about babies "crying it out." According to this article, studies correlate even five minutes of crying alone to a damaged psyche, detachment to parents, and all sorts of problems later in life. That kind of guilt I really don't need.(Well, attempted guilt on the part of the authors, as I do know the difference between correlation and causation. Mothering magazine is full of weak claims that don't stand up to methodological scrutiny.)

And what about last night?

After an hour and twenty minutes of crying, with some breaks, and a lot of me picking her up and comforting her (moreso to comfort me than her!), Katrina cried herself to sleep. That's the first -- and so far only -- time. She woke up once at 3am, nursed eagerly, and went right back to sleep. That's one well-justified wakeup. That furthers my conviction that the pacifier is causing the nighttime wakeup problems. Two nights, no pacifier, and her sleep is completely different.

Yet out came the pacifier again today when I couldn't take the suffering anymore -- mine nor hers. I can't do that again, it only makes it worse for both of us. I think I'd have managed today if I'd been able to get 20 minutes myself this morning, just enough to tip the migraine battle in my favor. Migraines and momhood don't mix.

All this sleep angst doesn't make for very enjoyable reading, does it. The writing of it is essential for me though. On the surface, that seems counterintuitive -- why relive it?!

So, some fun baby news:

Katrina made her first raspberry today! The times today she was her usual buoyant self, she made all sorts of adorable sounds, including raspberries and variants. This provides no end of amusement to her brothers, of course. And it's a welcome moment of baby love for wiped-out Mom.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Last night, after putting Katrina to bed the usual way, she woke up about an hour later, tired, grumpy, but refused to take the pacifier again and go to sleep. I took a deep breath, braced myself and said, "OK baby, this is it."

Swaddled her, held her, shushed her, rubbed her back, put her down, and left the room.

And so the crying started. I quickly remembered how we did this with Julian, giving myself time limits so it was bearable; and checking on her when the crying sounded too stressed (as opposed to increasing time intervals a la Ferber). Once again, the dilemmas presented themselves immediately. After investing 20 minutes in crying, now what -- give her the pacifier again? Then what was the point of the crying? But how long should it go on?

I kept extending the time to let her cry, straining and praying for it to peter out, to no avail. I checked her frequently, picking her up, holding her (more for my sake than hers), shushing her, rubbing her back. I recall from attempts with Gabriel that interrupting his momentum helped, and he'd calm down, but Katrina has never been soothed by holding, and remained tense and rigid.

After an hour and 20 minutes, I gave up. I picked her up, held her, and she was calm, but very sober and tense. Not sure what to do, I just sat and held her for about 20 minutes, still calm.

Then we tried again: swaddled, shushh, lots of rubbing and facial contact, comfort...no avail. She cried for another 20 minutes until I was ready to get into bed. By then, it was time to nurse anyway, and she availed herself heartily. It took a while, but she finally calmed down nursing, then I was able to put her down in the bassinet with no further fuss.

This whole thing took about 2-1/2 hours, ending around midnight. I couldn't sleep until past 1am, frazzled and stressed. But what choice did we have? There was just nothing else I could do to get her to sleep, and sleep is clearly what she needed. Katrina makes this harder, and easier, by not responding to the usual baby-soothers (rocking, holding, swinging etc).

But then something incredible happened.

Katrina didn't wake up again until **** 6:00 AM ****. That's six straight hours of sleep, something she hasn't done in months. No waking up crying, no pacifier every few minutes, no getting up and nibble-nursing her at 2am. Wow! At 6am, she woke up, I nursed her, she ate hungrily, then went back to sleep until about 9am, when she woke up cooey and adorable. HOORAY!! I was beside myself. I couldn't believe how different I felt today. Optimistic, energetic, enjoying time with the boys, feeling gushy love toward my baby. It's truly astounding how different the day is when you get at least some normal sleep. Being woken up every hour, for numerous nights in a row, really really takes its toll.

Better yet, both her naps today started sans pacifier!! The morning nap is very reliable and I usually don't need the pacifier anyway. But after a fun afternoon outing, she needed a nap, and I was sorely tempted to use it then. Cold-turkey is asking a lot from a 4-month-old baby after all! But, I decided to give her a chance. So, I swaddled her, put her down, shushhed her, kissed her, rubbed her -- and left. To my amazement, she fussed a little, yakked for a while, and then...quiet.

Of course, we're not out of the woods by any means, but it's a good start. I've really dreaded the crying-to-sleep thing, but it's clear we have no choice. As I type, it's well past bedtime for her, and she's crying now. I know we could be in for more painful hours tonight, but I'm encouraged and have new resolve. I'm really starting to think my instinct was right, that the pacifier was causing sleep problems, despite how easy it makes getting her to sleep (sometimes).

After our usual giant Sunday breakfast, the boys were at each others' throats, arguing and fighting and being grumpy and ill-behaved: they clearly needed to get OUT. And so did I. I wasn't in the mood for a kid playground, where I'd sit in one place and be bored; I wanted to take them somewhere that we could walk around.So when Katrina woke up from her mondo morning nap, I packed up the whole kit'n'kaboodle and took them to the Sunnyvale Baylands Park, on the Bay. An instant improvement from the boys; they got right into being in this new place with freedom to walk or run.

There were birds on the hills and water, as well as all sorts of buildings and towers and contraptions, due to salt evaporation ponds and a water treatment facility. Not to mention Sunnyvale's world-class dump!

The trails were essentially on levies, with water on either side, and lots of views of mountains and the bay.

Gabriel was far more interested in a bridge and a tower with a red rotating cage-like thing than the wildlife.Julian got tired walking around, but mostly kept up.It was really a nice way to spend some time exploring together, and we all got a lot out of it. Even though there are a lot of things not to like about living in the Bay Area, the plethora of places to see and visit (ocean, bay, mountains, redwood forests, deserts) is a strong draw to stay.

Katrina hung out in the jogging stroller, also enjoying the new sights and smells -- she needed to get out as much as her brothers did. Mom (my Mom that is) always said kids -- anyone, really -- needs to get out every day, get some fresh air, and certainly that applies to 4-month-old babies too. Not a peep out of her on our trek, though she did doze off, despite the chilly wind.

I managed to get a rare, though crummy, photo of me with all three kids. Well, it's a good one of them, anyway!

Tonight, I tried a little tummy time, and Katrina rolled from her front to her back!

It's been 20 minutes, I've checked her three times, and no signs of slowing down on the crying. Sigh. I always pick her up and make sure she hasn't spit up -- some babies will cry so hard they'll throw up, and that's too much for me. She sure belches a lot when I pat her back. Tonight is different from last night in that last night, in the end, she essentially nursed to sleep. Not tonight, unless she lasts three hours.

I remember when we had to let Julian cry to sleep that I thought he knew what to do, he just didn't know how to do it. Maybe I'm projecting, but I get the sense that Katrina knows what to do now, she just doesn't want to do it.

Looks like I'm in for many hours of crying tonight, but I'm shored up by the sweet memory of six whole hours last night.

2/11/07 (p.s. Newsflash: 11:20pm:Katrina finally cried herself to sleep. An hour and 20 minutes all told, but with breaks from crying, and without nursing. Best of all, when I picked her up to soothe her, she actually calmed down a little sometimes. And no pacifier. Painful progress!)