-You know, I find joy in the ability to be able to walk away from these killer plants. I can tell how angry they are, and how much they would like to destroy me, yet I still walk just out of their reach. I waved at the last one.

-I have stumbled upon another creepy cave. It seems smaller than the one I traveled through to get to this field. No less creepy, however. The bats attacked me immediately!

-I don’t really know why, but I found another goblin in this cave. I wonder how long he has been in here. Perhaps he saw me coming, and ran into the cave, hoping that I would walk in. I’m sure he was planning a surprise attack, it’s just that his presence in general, inside this cave has caught me off guard.

-No worries, though. I have destroyed him!

-Aha! He was guarding a tiny, unlocked chest, which held the key to that locked gate that I ran into earlier! Pfft, nice try, buddy.

-I know how this is going to sound, but I just lit two torches inside that little cave, and I am pretty sure that a treasure chest appeared… Am I crazy? Anyway, there was a funny shaped thing in there. It confused me, but also made me feel slightly stronger. I know that makes no sense, but….. I felt it. God, I AM losing it!

-I made my way back to the locked gate, continuing to clear the field of goblins, as I went. Yeesh, ugly little things. Can’t get over it. They had two more blocking the gate, since I was last here. Where the heck are they all coming from?

-Luckily, this key worked! I would be kind of bummed out if I had to walk around more, looking for another key.

-One more goblin on the other side of the gate, and we are FINALLY out of this awful field. Now, onward to the child in danger!!

-*sigh*… I have reached another, smaller field, also with goblins in it. I really wasn’t missing much all these years by not coming this way.

-Three down, a presumably endless amount left to go…

-There is a bird over there….yelling at me. It seems…to have its feathers arranged on top of its head, very reminiscent of that man who gave me a lantern, and sold me lantern oil. Because of this similarity, I already hate it.

-The man-bird seems to be perched near some pots of various liquids. I…this one is lantern oil! The other red liquid smells delicious.

-I drank the milk that the strange lady gave me, and I shall fill the bottle with this lovely smelling liquid! What luck to find giant pots of helpful things! I can fill up my lantern with this free oil, as well! This day is slowly working in my favor!

-I can only assume that I was meant to pay for these things, according to the sign, but I pretended not to notice, and left the area. I’m pretty sure the bird was yelling at me, but I also pretended not to notice it.

-Holy Majora! From where I’m standing, I can see what may be the largest tree I have ever seen! In fact, I’m pretty sure this bridge ahead is branching off of it. I shudder at the thought of what is living inside it…

-HEY! I found the kid!! Man, he is going to pay for making me come this-…oh wait, that would be counter-productive for this rescue mission that I have been on. Hehe, he is trapped in a little cage with a monkey. It’s kind of adorable, actually.

-They are being guarded, and possibly tormented, by those handsome devils that I have come to know as the goblins. My wooden sword shall make short work of them. I should think of something cool to say as I come to the kid’s rescue.

-For some reason, all that popped into my head was “Bananas”. Therefore, I kept quiet, and just sliced and diced. I broke the missing child, and his monkey friend, out of their poorly assembled cage, and watched them stand there cheering. I have to say, this rescue was very underwhelming.

-The kid and I made it back to safe ground. He’s telling me about how the monkey really is a nice girl. The minds of children amaze me. He’d likely say the same about the cage he was trapped in, if he was alone in there. He is begging me not to tell his Father that he ran off. I should tell him, maybe. You know, send a message. “I am not your Child Retriever! At least not for free!”.

-Aww, geez. Here comes Colin’s Father again. This guy, I don’t know.

-Ah yes, we are discussing my trip to Hyrule tomorrow. This also makes me realize that it is almost night time, and I have spent my entire day off, chasing that little brat into these twisted woods.

-He made a sarcastic comment about getting to meet Princess Zelda? Is he implying that it is so crazy that she may approach me, after noticing my charm, and my sword? We shall see, Crazy Guy….we shall see.

-Well, now that this day is pretty much over, I really have no choice but to go home. It’s not that I really had anything planned for my day off, really. I was kind of hoping to just take it easy today, maybe sit by the fire….maybe clean that picture of a goat in my house. Regardless, I think someone owes me another day off, to make up for this one! I am SO talking to the Father of that kid I rescued today. That’ll show ’em.

-Ok, so not only is the entrance to this cave filthy and uninviting, but there is also a plant situated there that is trying to eat me…..Charming.

-Heh, it appears I have discovered the ultimate defense tactic against this plant…. standing just out of its reach. It must be a shame to be attached to the ground. Is that the best you got, Handso-

-GAAHHHH!!

-Oh god….oh god….that…that plant…it utilized some sort of insane maneuver. It…it had me in its jaws! I thought I was a goner. Luckily, I was able to break free (very impressively, I might add), and gave it a good bludgeoning with my wooden sword. Still….terrifying.

-In retrospect, a better approach likely would have been to use this sling shot that I’ve been carrying around this whole time, and used a ranged attack strategy. However, the important thing is that I killed it…..I killed it dead.

-Geez, this cave is pitch black. If I were a smarter man, I would have tried to light this lantern before I entered.

-AIYEEE!! Something touched me!!

-*ahem* On a totally unrelated note, there is tall grass in here. Or, there was. My sword took care of that!

-Ok, lantern is lit. Man, it sure doesn’t help the creepiness factor, though. Ah! There are immobile torches in here. Smart. I can save oil this way, which is good, because it is bloody expensive. Bloody oil crooks…

-Ooooh, I found some money in the grass!…..Wait….what happened to the people to whom this money belongs….I….I’m sure they just…dropped it.

-It is so creepy in here…couldn’t they have built a path to the temple that goes AROUND the cave?

-MONSTER!! KILL IT KILL IT KILLIT!!!

-Ok…it wasn’t so much a monster, as it was a single bat. Still! Bats are so creepy! Yeesh! It was the largest bat I’ve ever seen. Luckily, after a few girlish shrieks, I took care of it. It’s because I am brave and fearless. Onward!

-Aha! Another torch! Seriously, whoever set up these torches in here, you have my thanks. Unless it was that guy who gave me this lantern, and charges for the oil. I wonder if it would have made more sense to charge for the lanterns, and give free oil. Who knows? He’s a clever man.

-God, I hate it in here. It’s so unsettling. Whoa!! Another man-eating plant!! You’re not getting me this ti-

-Ok, he got me again. But, also again, I took care of it. So….win-win….chronologically….

-Of course….branching paths. What would a creepy cave be without multiple ways to proceed, both of them presumably containing certain death? Lovely.

-Also, as a side note, there are jars in here, that are stuck to the wall with webs. Which begs the question….where the hell is the spider? It would take a fairly large spider to stick jars to the wall. Actually, maybe they’re just cob webs. Yes….cob webs….someone just needs to clean.

-I think I will goooo…….right!

-GAH!!! PLANT! BAT! PLANT! BAT! HYAAAAHH!!!

-I have killed both of them…..excellent. Still forgetting to use this sling shot, of course.

-Hey! Looks like I chose the right path… Well, I did choose the RIGHT path, but it also happened to be the RIGHT path. As in, correct path. Not just right. Not left. Right? Hmm…Anyway, I consider it the correct path, because I found a small chest with money in it. It almost makes the whole trip worth it. Oh god….I wonder how that kid is doing…

-Well, it appears that I have stumbled onto one of the most dangerous places I have ever seen. More plants, of course. Also, more bats…in the day time. Everything I once knew, is no more, it seems.

-Oh, also, there are what appear to be goblins here too. They are the most hideous creature yet. I told one of them that, and he attacked me! I took this time to test out the sling shot. It took about 10 shots, but he went down! Yes sir, my accuracy is epic.

-Whew, this place is infested! Seriously, plants and bats everywhere. Although, they seem very minor now, after dealing with these goblins. Hey!! There’s a pair of them. Let’s do this.

-After many impressive dodges, and flips, on my part, I was able to dispatch both of them with the sword. They were guarding a gate. The gate is locked, though. I tried to reason with the goblin on the other side, but he just yelled at me. All I heard, though, was “Hit me!”. So, I did. I pelted him with sling shot ammo til he stopped moving. I…am a hero.

-Well, I refuse to believe that I came all this way for nothing. That kid is around somewhere, and I, being the hero that I am, shall rescue him. I do not give up. Except on goat herding, I may give up on that…

-I’ve sort of just been walking around, holding this slingshot. I am waiting for someone to ask me about it, but no one really seems to acknowledge me. Come on!! I’m practically a warrior now!

-Oh look, here is Colin’s father. He left something in my room? Why were you in my house?! Granted, I never lock my house, and I’m pretty sure that a key does not exist for my door (We’re not living in a dungeon after all!), but seriously, I don’t walk into your house and leave gifts around!

-Actually, I did walk into his house, uninvited, but I didn’t leave or take anything, I just sort of looked around, and left.

-He’s asking me about the fishing rod, when I have this SLING SHOT!! Come on, priorities!

-Yeah…you have a good one too….Trespasser Troy.

-HA! As expected, these kids are totally jealous. I can only picture what they would do if they had a sling shot. They’d somehow lose an eye or something, I’m sure. This girl seems more impressed that I was able to afford the sling shot. She confuses me.

-These lackeys then insisted on setting up targets all around my yard. I didn’t help. The performer doesn’t set up the spotlight, after all.

-Time to show these kids who the real adult is!!

-Actually, that statement didn’t make much sense…

BAM! Got one! This girl is freaking out!

-And another!! And another!! If there were more people in this village, I’m sure I’d be drawing a crowd!!

-Oh, of course. They want to see what Colin’s dad left in my room while I was out! The whole situation of that just really seems creepy to me. It makes me wonder how often he walks into my house, or who else does it. I don’t think I’ll sleep there for awhile.

-Why is Colin staring at my horse? It’s amazing…he’s just…frozen…..I think he’s making Epona feel uncomfortable. Colin seems considerably less enthused about my new sling shot. Although, he did make me realize that I have pretty much wasted my entire day off throwing rocks around, and destroying pumpkins, to find the money to buy this thing. Pfft, I don’t even want it now. Thanks for the fishing rod, kid.

-There is a spider on the ladder to my front door! What the hell did Colin’s dad do to my house?! Luckily, I sling shotted…sling shat…sling shet….I utilized my sling shot, and created death for the spider.

-Ah, Colin’s dad carried a giant treasure chest up my ladder, and into my house. He could have just left a note.

-Well I’ll be a plumber’s brother… Colin’s insane Father dropped a sword off for me. Granted, it’s made of wood, but it could still seriously hurt someone. This will do great things for my image. Sling shot, sword, if I could get my hands on some dynamite, people would really think twice about walking into my house while I am away.

-Well, back outside, I suppose. Ah yes, the children have already caught a glimpse of the sword. I suppose I was swinging it around… I wasn’t exactly hiding it. What can I say, weapons should be seen!!

-I suppose I have time for one more demonstration. You know, the parents of these kids would be very disappointed to see how much time their children waste watching me bludgeon a scarecrow.

-Showing a group of school children how to properly stab a scarecrow with a makeshift sword, it just….I don’t know… am I a bad person? It seems inappropriate. Maybe a vertical slice is more appropriate. HYAAAH!

-And for the finale, I performed a spin slash, followed by an epic air stab. Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for your time, but again…why are you still on my lawn?

-Hmm, this jumpy kid with the bandana wants to hold the sword…Normally, I wouldn’t give dangerous weapons to minors, however…

-MONKEY!!! There is now a MONKEY on my lawn!! Oh, um…the children seem to be….yes, the children have run into the woods, to chase the monkey. As the adult, I likely should have tried to stop them. This…may effect my sword image. Very well, I will retrieve the children, and maybe destroy the monkey in the process! I will just assume that the monkey is trying to harm them!

-I know it shouldn’t matter, but I think this rescue will look much better if I ride a horse.

-HYAAH!! Onward, Epona!! We have some minors to save!!!

-Colin was kind enough to inform me that I was going in the wrong direction. Now!! Onward once more, Epona!! We still have some minors to save!!

-Hey!! There’s the girl! She clearly got bored of this chase quickly. However, the other two numb skulls have carried on. Fear not, Be..umm…Betty?….Brenda?…Bobby Jo? Fear not, young female whose name escapes me!! I will save your friends!

-This rescue has been very underwhelming so far. I just found the smaller kid like 10 feet away. Although, I see a bridge ahead. This could get interesting!

-I almost fell off my horse as I rode away…. I hope that my grace of remounting was also noticed.

-Ahh, I just knew that spending countless hours jumping fences aimlessly on Epona would pay off! Our path was blocked by a treacherous gate, but we overcame it! If jumping fences could be summed up in would word, it would be “Epic”. Also, “Jumping” would work.

-Epona seemed reluctant to carry on towards what the sign refers to as the Forest Temple. I was about to carry on alone, when I noticed this guy!! We chatted for a bit, and he gave me a free lantern. This day keeps getting better! Oh, except for possibly losing a child in the forest. That may spoil things a tad.

-Ohhhh, I get it now, buddy. He gives away free lanterns, then charges for oil. If fire wasn’t so awesome to wield, I would take offence.

-To square things up, I destroyed his scarecrow on my way out. Thanks for the lantern, guy!!

-And, of course, now I get to venture through a dark cave to reach my destination. Something tells me that I better get used to this.

-I am sure that in a situation where I hadn’t accepted the lantern from that man, and somehow become seriously injured in this cave, that guy would show up later, and say “You should have taken a lantern!”. I don’t know, he just strikes me as the type.

-However, wish me luck Epona. I must now venture forth! If I survive this, I promise I’ll never make you and I wear matching hats ever again.

-I hate the look of this cave entrance. Someday, I would like to see a welcoming cave entrance. It’s always a broken gate, and over grown vines. Just once, I would like to see a cave with a sign that says “Come on in, buddy!”, and maybe have pie waiting or something. Oh well, in we go!

Greetings, loyal followers! I realize that it is lame to have such a large delay, after only a short time of life in this blog, but I have been busy with something amazing. Yes, siree, something epic has been in creation, and you can now experience it.

It’s called You’ve Got Dead On You, and it is a new zombie podcast, written and starring myself, and a good friend of mine, Craig Baird. There are many ways that you can listen to this podcast. Here they are:

-BINGO! I have successfully utilized my new hawk friend into a projectile attack machine! I tell ya, this grass I keep finding is doing wonders for my image. Yes sir, this hawk, which I have now named Dogmeat, just soared over, grabbed that baby cradle, and brought it back, right into my arms. I was actually kind of hoping it would take out the monkey at the same time, but no such luck, I’m afraid.

-I wonder if it really is the same bird every time. I should mark it or something.

-….Now how do I get down from here?

-Well, I was pretty confident that I could just jump from rock to rock, very impressively, but alas, I missed the roof of the nearby building, and plunged into the water. Smooth, Link, very smooth. Now I’m all wet. Now that I fished the cradle out of the water, I shall return it to its rightful owner.

-I tripped on the way there. Nothing to panic about. Man, that lady would have been very upset if her baby was actually in here.

-Out of context, I am sure that seeing me run around, holding a baby cradle in the air, would have caused quite a stir, and gotten some negative looks among the town folk. Ah, there’s the lady.

-She is clearly impressed by my brute strength, because she wants me to carry the cradle to her house for her. I suppose I can support it a little longer.

-God, this is heavy. Are we there yet? Why does she walk so slow?!

-HEY! She gave me the fishing rod that her son Colin made me! You know, for an 8 year old, this craftsmanship is remarkable. Now, where’s that monkey?

-This man just asked me if I was also planning on putting some bee larva in an empty bottle. Um, yes…yes of course. Duh, hehe…

-I have just sort of been running around, carrying this fishing rod. I do not recommend this. It is dangerous. What I’d really like is that slingshot. Target practice with a fishing rod is frowned upon.

-Geez, this shop keeper lady is so depressing. I was just hoping she’d have an empty bottle for me to use, and she starts rambling on about her cat again. Come on, I need something to put this bee larva in that apparently is a really popular thing to do right now!

-I swam back to where I saw that monkey, but he was nowhere to be found. However, I did find some rocks on the small bit of land back there, and there was money under it, so…yes…not such a wasted trip, is it?

-Incidentally, I have lost the money I found, during the swim back.

-FISH ON!! I caught a fish!! I was chasing the cat again for a few minutes, then I remembered that I was carrying this fishing rod. So, I casted out, and within seconds, I had one of those little angels pierced right through the head. Just beautiful. Now I am standing here, holding the rod in the air, with the fish attached it, hoping someone will come by and see. Actually, this cat seems interested.

-HEY!! That cat stole my fish!! That little… I just spent 48 minutes finding the courage to remove it from the hook!! Now he’s gone. I feel robbed. I’m gonna march right into that shop and tell that lady what I think of that thieving, filthy cat.

-Hmph, if I was in Albion, I would kick this chicken, out of sheer anger.

–Listen lady!! About that cat of yours!! I…..see…it has returned. Yes, upon arrival at the shop, to yell maniacally at this poor woman, I see my nemesis, the fish thieving cat, calmly drinking milk out of a dish, on the counter. Apparently, after stealing my hard earned fish, this cat ran back home, and presented it to her owner. Then, the woman, clearly out of her mind with glee, hands me this half empty bottle of milk. Excuse me, lady, but this does not fill the void of the fish I lost.

-Ladies and gentlemen, I have bought myself a slingshot! I went back to the shop to express my hatred for her cat, and maybe even retrieve my fish, when I realized something. I would rather have something potentially dangerous!! I have been finding money all over the bloody place, so I exchanged it for this slingshot. Keep the fish, lady! Your cat will get what’s coming to it.

-I feel pretty good, right now. I have a half-drank bottle of milk, and a snazzy new toy. I feel so dangerous. I think I’ll go back and rub it in the faces of those little brats outside my house. Yes sir, nothing is better than making yourself feel high and mighty by showing a dangerous weapon off to some children who could really hurt themselves with it. Enjoy the little things, that’s what I always say.

-Actually, that’s the first time I’ve ever said that… Dun dun dun duuuuun.

-Oh, come ON! Now there are kids yelling at my house! Informing me that it’s morning, no less. Do they have goats they need herding, too?

-My house has alot of ladders. Apparently, this stew from yesterday afternoon is still boiling. I have a picture of a goat on my wall. For the life of me, I cannot remember why I own that. It really shows where I stand with the village folk, though. Those children are just standing around in front of my house! That seems to happen alot. It likely has something to do with that “Link’s House” sign.

-Ah, the weather today is great. Very similar to yesterday, actually. Perfect for my day off.

-Hey! The kid finished the fishing rod he was making for me! His name is Colin, by the way. Apparently he was just going to give it to me here, but his Dad wants me to retrieve it from their house. Of course…

-So, according to these lingering children, the shop is now selling a slingshot. They seem very eager to play with it, however they have no money. Ah, and this other girl is the shop owner’s daughter. Clearly she has no interest in lending it to these other kids. Also, the 2 boys are the sons of the people whose pumpkin patch I trampled yesterday on Epona. I won’t mention a thing.

-Colin won’t let me ride my own horse! He would rather just have her stand here, so he can stare at her. Whatever, kid. Aww, I can’t stay mad at him, he made me a fishing rod, despite his Father’s delusions. Also, he has very sad eyes. Very well, I will WALK to the village. Heh, I should just buy that slingshot myself. That’ll show’em.

-Once I reach town, I see that this man is trying to knock down a bee hive….Good idea. Oh, right, this is the shop owner’s husband. Apparently his wife is in a horrible mood, because their cat hasn’t come home. I…really hope it wasn’t playing in that pumpkin patch when I…oh god.

-Heck, I’ll see if I can get the bee hive down for him. There are some vines, leading up the tree. Actually, this seems pretty dangerous. Meh, I herd goats for a living.

-There is a man with a hilariously tall forehead standing atop a rock. He spotted the cat!! It’s just sitting over there, staring at the water! Now he’s making a joke about it….this man is really not helpful. Also, he spotted more grass over there! On the next rock! Hmm, this isn’t the horseshoe shaped grass, though.

-HOLY-…oh man, that startled me. I played a song on the grass (it’s my thing), and this bird flew down. Now it’s on my arm. Heh, animals love me. I must be part animal. What am I supposed to do with this bird… boy, he’s heavy.

-Ok, he’s gone. That was awkward. People were just staring. They were like, “What’s Link gonna do?”, and I was just sort of like “Umm, hey everone…”.

-This cat hates me. Seriously, I have chased him for 10 minutes. Then I spent another 20 minutes looking for some grass that resembled a mouse or something. People thought I was nuts, but the joke’s on them, I found some money in the shrubbery! Yessir, I’ll have that slingshot in no time. Then, you know what, I won’t even let those kids use it. Also, I threw a pumpkin, and there was some money in there too. Figure that one out…

-Maybe I can utilize that bird into spooking the cat. It scared me half to death.

-Fell off the rock again. Stupid…rock…surface…

-AHA! Here comes the bird again! This grass, I tell ya, it’s like it was made for this. Ok, now if I can…try to aim this…just right…

-Nope.

-Miss.

-This is getting silly.

-Sorry, lady!

-Well, I didn’t make any progress with the cat, BUT, I did…purposely…knock that bee hive down! Yes…that was totally planned.

You know, it’s amazing how much easier it is to climb this tree, when there aren’t bees stinging you all over. HEY! There’s money in this tree! It seems strategically placed at the very edge of the branches. Not to worry, I do this kind of stu-

-Now THAT was graceful. Admittedly, I fell out of the tree, BUT, I landed on the blanketed top of the house underneath, with no damage suffered! Granted, nobody saw it, but trust me, that was impressive.

-I tripped as I went to walk away. THAT, they saw. “Whoa there, Link. Maybe you should lay off the potion, hehe”. Yeah, well, maybe you should…lay off the….whatever.

-I CAUGHT A CHICKEN!! I flew with it!! I swear!! I jumped off this really short bridge, and we soared. I landed in the water, which wasn’t as impressive.

-Anyway, I ran into that nice lady, who is married to the man who wants me to deliver the package to Hyrule. According to her, the man left with his sword early this morning. A reminder, this is the same man who I saw yesterday, slashing his sword at nothing. I can only imagine what kind of “opponents” he will be battling.

-Hm? She lost a baby cradle. Geez, was the baby in it?

-The baby was not in it, she is holding him. Apparently, she lost the cradle in this stream of water. Fear not, ma’am. I will find your missing baby…cradle.

-I miss Epona, she would have loved this hawk throwing stuff.

-Ah, there’s the mayor. I should see if he knows anything about this thing I’m supposed to deli- GOOOAAAAT!!!

-So, apparently, “Mr. I-Can-Handle-The-Farm-Alone”, can’t keep track of his livestock. There I was, chatting with the mayor, when all of a sudden, this goat comes running towards us! The Mayor was terrified, I’m sure, but luckily, I was there to catch it. I grabbed it by the horns, gave it a swing, and BAM! On the ground! Good game, Goat, good game.

-Ahh, the horse-thieving girl is the Mayor’s daughter. Maybe she’d like to see me catch another goat. I…oh…she is not having visitors today, apparently. Well…that’s fine. Maybe she saw it through the window. Pfft, as if I even care.

-So there I was, climbing around on the Mayor’s roof, and…oh, it’s not what you think. I was looking for….my…other sandle. Anyway, not only did I find some money up there, but I also found some more hawk grass! So, naturally, I played the song, summoned the hawk, and, well, it got away soon after, but I was almost certain that something cool would have happened!

-Apparently, another family in town, is making a shield for Colin’s father. Why do they feed his delusions like this?

-MONKEY!! I spotted a monkey! I was gracefully climbing on some rocks, above the water, and I spotted him! Across the river. And you won’t guess what else. This monkey, has the baby cradle!! Ohh boy, just you wait, little fellow. You have no idea what’s coming to you.

-As expected, there was no way I could have jumped that far.

-I must find some other means. Bear with me, we will rescue this woman’s baby (cradle)!! That’ll show them.