The slightly irrational case for living microwave-free

I am not normally extreme with my ideas about what happens here on planet Earth (which is round, by the way). There are very few hills I am willing to die on, but there's something I have to get off my chest: I hate microwaves.

They must go. Where they go is up to you, but over the years I have realized how little I long to use these ugly contraptions in my day-to-day life. They're cumbersome, unnecessary, and if I had it my way we wouldn't rely on them at all.

I understand many of you are programmed to love the microwave, but let me tell you once and for all why I believe they are trash.

Food tastes better without it, please don't fight me on this

First, it is of course true that some folks must make do without a stove or oven, and microwaves are their only option for heating up food. But if you have the means, I beg of you to chuck your food onto the stove or into the oven. Your tastebuds will thank you!

But it does involve radiation, which irrationally freaks me out despite the fact that this isn't necessarily a bad thing and that microwaves are regulated by the FDA. According to the World Health Organization, radiation is key to the microwave's functionality: "Water molecules vibrate when they absorb microwave energy, and the friction between the molecules results in heating which cooks the food."

OK, so microwaves are technically fine and safe to use. I get it. But I have other qualms...

There are too many rules

This one is simple: there are way too many restrictions on what can and cannot be microwaved. It's hard to keep up! Think of all energy you exert determining whether or not something is microwaveable (plus, all that Googling is hard on your thumbs.) Then you have to search your cupboards for a microwave-safe dish. It's too much.

Image: giphy

Having a microwave is a waste of storage space

This one is a no-brainer. In New York, for example, apartment kitchens are generally extremely small. If yours doesn't come with a built-in microwave, why squander precious counter space on such an ugly and useless appliance?

See? What a waste. Instead, use that microwaved-sized gap on your counter as space for plants or a counter-top spice rack. Think of all the bowls of fruit or fresh flower arrangements you could put there instead. Much better than an unsightly metal box.

Are microwaves really all that great at evenly heating your food?

Now let's get into whether or not microwaves actually do the job they're meant to do — warm up your food. Anyone who's tried to heat up refrigerated leftovers in the microwave knows that one of the most frustrating aspect about these things is that often only part of your meal actually gets hot, while big pockets of food stay cold. Finding a balance in between over-cooking and under-heating your food in a microwave can be deeply tedious.

Another thing: If you've ever tried to re-heat a salty dish and found it still cold in the center, there's a reason for that. According to research from Penn State, the ions in salt and chlorine heat up in the microwave by "colliding" into each other, which means there's "less microwave energy available to heat the center of the food." Why would you put up with that? You deserve better than lukewarm food.

We're living in a surveillance state, people!

White House aide Kellyanne Conway made headlines back in 2017 when she suggested that the state has access to "microwaves that turn into cameras."

Now, we know better than to trust everything that Conway tells us. (And former CIA director Mike Pompeo has denied that microwaves are used as tools by the government.) Despite all this, let me just say that I have seen every season of Scandal, a few episodes of House of Cards, and one episode of West Wing and...all I'm saying is, stranger things could happen.

Have I convinced you to ditch the big metal contraption hogging precious space in your apartment? If not, don't worry, that's fine. I'll still eat your microwaved popcorn when I come over for movie nights — but don't expect me to do so without a preaching the good word about a microwave-less life.

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