Main Junction: OPEN MIC -- the Three Act Speakeasy Thread (Closes Nov 18th)

Vomit:Job makes me feel like shit. Depression is kicking my ass. The paperwork side of the website is kicking my ass. And it's possible that one of the reasons I'm so fucked up emotionally (especially relationship-wise) is that my experiences in South Asia/the boarding school were traumatic. I hadn't ever thought of it as traumatic, but after confessing that I have a hard time trusting my own judgment with social and romantic situations, which is a common thing for victims of trauma to experience, along with the constant threat of rape and assault when I was in South Asia... yeah. So I probably have a mild version of PTSD. I never thought something like that could ever apply to me. My mom wasn't surprised though. The good news is that apparently exposure therapy is one of the best ways to retrain my thought processes to not be so messed up, so I have a chance of getting better. On the other hand, I'm realizing that the mission agency knew full well what they were doing when they sent my family to an environment that was so hostile to women, and my sister and I to a boarding school that was incredibly toxic. What the fuck guys? So a good chunk of my problems are a result of people putting religion ahead of people. And that pisses me off.

Cake:Today I got paid to hang out with my former bosses husband (he has Alzheimers), helping him run errands and stuff. Tomorrow we're going to do some Christmas baking at a local business that is hosting a baking party of sorts. And depending how things are going with the schedule of the guy who usually hangs out with him, I might be doing that one day a week. This is extra great because that means more pay doing something I actually enjoy for people I really like. Also, I finally got around to getting a Wii (just as it becoming outdated, but whatever). Which I intend to use to get off my ass and exercise. I hope it works.

Gourmet Restaurant:@rootfireember: I'm crossing my fingers for you and hoping that some serious solutions to dealing with your family come up, because it's mind boggling to me how bad they treat you. You deserve much better than that.

@glukkake, allana & rachael: Right now I'm on implanon birth control, which is this tiny tube thing they stick in your arm, which is going to last until I turn 30, at which point, I'll have it taken out and get my tubes tied, or essure, or whatever is the easiest/cheapest permanent option (preferably something the state of WI will cover for me). Yay birth control! Especially the permanent stuff! Just wish there were less hoops to jump through to get it.

@oldhat: I hope you don't have to wait much longer to see a counselor. The beer stuff and the PS3 sound fun. :)

@Rachael: Sorry to hear about the breakup, and hoping the physical therapy helps.

@mister hex: I so hate it when my posts get eaten! Bummer. Glad to hear at least some things are going well for you, and huzzah on the mad cooking skills.

I'm still here in rehab, which has really fucked-up my 'relationship' with the Interweb - I can only go on it in wee-spurts, meaning I'm constantly looking at the clock, watching the minutes get sucked-up into a vortex of nothing.

Nights are long; very long. Tedium and headaches, as the community sit around watching ultra-crap TV. Me, I've got a reputation as a mad, funny bastard, prone to long bouts of bi-polar madness and other stuff. Come early evening, I am fucked. Tired. Drained.

I think I've got funding for another three months, so I'm going to be here over bloody Xmas - which don't really mean shit to me, as last year I fucked-up super-style.

LISTENING TO SUICIDE ON ME MP3:

Good stuff: Yikes, not much of that at the moment. Soon hitting the 90-Day-Clean mark, so that's gotta be worth cracking a smile for. I've nearly finished my role as 'House Leader', being the twat that makes sure shit gets done in a converted pub full of scum-like-me. Yep, a pub turned into a rehab - Give me a bottle of Jack, o spirit of yesterday.

Life is funny, and then you explode.

Shit, I just remembered: Yesterday I went caving. Proper style, with a helmet on me head with a lamp on it. And I really enjoyed it, apart from the bit when I got stuck and crushed a ball between a narrow fissure thing.

LOOK AT THE IRISH DANCE:

@mister hex: Hope all is going OK with you. Sorry about your loss - I was trying to think of something clever to say a few weeks back, but I couldn't, so I didn't.

@Rachael: Take care, mate.

Shit...the staff have informed me I've got two minutes left, so I must fleeeeee!!!!!!

Rachel, thanks for finally providing some context for that photo. I've wondered for years. I wish you'd write stories for all your pictures.

Robin, Patrick, Peter: Drinking? Sometime between the 16th and 30th? Being broke-ass hasn't stopped us yet.

Me, just having a down weekend. A pleasant relaxed down, like it's been too long, like I deserve some moping after three months spent too busy to think. So that's the good/bad together. One last assignment, upon which I am working now (WC, why are you the place I go when I'm supposed to be writing?), then the semester's done. I can predict with reasonable accuracy my marks, and none of them are particularly horrible. Then I go home. I am a bit frustrated as my coordinator at work hasn't replied to my email and thus I don't know if I can work extra time this week before the holidays. Money looks to be a bit tight for next semester, so I'll probably try to con the internship into paying me a stipend or something. Other than that, all things are well.

UGHUps and downs, I guess. During the day I've been doing well by keeping busy and having some pretty happy and gratifying moments (see below for that stuff) but...I dunno. There's always this little bubbling going on in my brain and when the day is done and I get home all the stuff that's been getting to me just hits. Feels like being depressed is my default state and I don't like it one bit. Weight is partially tied in...have been gaining despite better change in diet and exercise that would normally just wind me for a bit is leaving me almost paralysed for days after (currently unable to walk due to too many jumping jacks). I just hate this numb sad feeling and I ESPECIALLY hate that it's controlling me. I'm more quiet now and less prone to go out. During the day I'm craving solitude more than anything and when I'm finally alone I can't stand it and need company. I hate it.

However, I AM fighting it best I can. Still on the waiting list for a counseller (going to yell at my doc about it next week), will try to head to my gym that has this depression workshop...thing going on Friday, am cutting down on the (not work-related) drinking which is increasing and bleeding in to weeknights, am reading and gaming more, which is good for thinking of other things and...yeah. I'm kicking ass, it's just taking a while and there are some battles I win and lose. Bit by bit though, right?

UH?

- I've decided to write a book. A small one. Basics of beer appreciation (knowing the styles, different types of glasses, doing a tasting, how it's made) and what to do in certain situations (ordering for yourself, ordering for others, picking out a drink for a party, asking for samples etc.). Have started writing it now and will hopefully have something out on lulu by Spring.

- Going on TV again, talking about beer gift sets for last minute shoppers. It'll be on the 21st, so I'm thinking of bringing along a bottle of La Fin Du Monde. Snrk.

- My dad is (finally) getting recognition for his role in the Canadian music industry at next year's Juno Awards. As I understand it, the whole family is getting a free flight/hotel in Regina and mom and I will be appearing on his special introduction video. Very proud of him!

- Enjoying the hell out of Mass Effect.

HURRAH

@Allana, maaaaybe. After the 21st I'm gone until January.

@Trini, that is so fucked up to hear about your time in South Asia. I'm so sorry.

@Rachael, sad to hear about the breakup, but I guess these things happen.

??????Five weeks down one week to go on the play. Good reviews all around. Possibility of some awards. Nice. (Going to extend in January with several complications. Not nice.) Saw friends earlier today and finally met their children. Dinner at the sweet little home and talking with pals who knew me in college, kind of a trip, really just a comfort. They could be tough, we've all had to change and I certainly am very different now. But they've been smacked around by life so they're kindly turn a blind eye to my old BS. Well, as I said, they're friends. That's what friends do, yeah? Saturday went to a wedding. Whole different group of friends. Conflicting feelings, but all in all cheered to see people I don't see often. Growing up is just...complicated. Sorry to sound like a fucking greeting card but it's damnably, cloylingly true, We're told that it's all about success and getting people to admire us, but really it's all about the friends & relationships that see you through. I dig my friends hard. They're generous and funny and weird. Who could ask for anything more?

????Some blues keeping coming for me. It's not too intense, but they keep coming back night after night. That ole urge to tear myself apart, to give up, to lose myself in something incredibly stupid. Seems to come along with stress. And loneliness. Long, dark nights and feeling like no one that I want wants me. Singleness weighs me down and compounds already present feelings of disappointment or irritation with myself. Even makes it hard to think of other problems. Lack of money, lack of time, lack of discipline, coming up short in every possible aspect. I would never want to date me. But my lips, that emptiness... it aches.

????????@flecky - Good feckin on ya, lad! And keep it up! Excellent work!@Trini *virtual hug* I know from work making me lose my shit. I sure wish I knew how I could make it better. Is a vacation at all possible? What will it take to leave that position entirely? Grandmaster Ellis once said the key to getting somewhere was to identify an objective and remove all obstacles methodically. Sounds like it has every possibility of working for someone with some discipline (ie not me).@oldhat Yay for getting on TV on your own power AND for getting to support your dad for his work! That is a Very Nifty Thing!

NEXT! - My cousin's ex-husband just died. He were a particularly Good Guy. Five kids. We were mates, kinda. Good guy. I'll miss him. WHAT THE HELL, 2012?

DEATH seems to be ridiculing me. We'll SEE who has the Last Laugh. (Gonna be Death but he/she won't look so happy with all those missing teeth. BECAUSE IF YOU THINK I'M GOING QUIETLY, WELL ...!)

BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!

ALL. OF. YOU. EXACTLY WHAT IS NEEDED. I have fans, apparently. I'm not bad. Women might actually consider being unclothed when I am actually in the room. Or on the street. To be honest, WOMEN ARE THROWING THEMSELVES AT ME RIGHT ABOUT NOW. Not sure what to do. A sad thing, when a naked woman hits the ground.

Blah:Website stuff is going very slowly. And my discipline could use some work.

Woot:I'm getting more work that is basically homecare. It's with people I know, and it's mostly doing things like running errands, doing puzzles, and on Friday we'll be making Christmas cards. This is good because A)second source of income means my budget is not so tight, and B)this is a job that actually makes me feel good about myself. I actually felt like cleaning twice after working that job. That is so not normal. The other thing is that I filled in for someone yesterday at the main job and earned some goodwill points.

The Important Part:@flecky: Kudos on the 90 days!@allana: I hope you're successful at getting paid for the internship. *crosses fingers*@oldhat: Damn, waiting that long for a counselor is a bit shit. Though getting on TV and your dad getting recognition is badass. And yeah, the stuff I've been through is fucked up. It's been over ten years and I'm still dealing with the consequences? Thanks though.@razrangel: Loneliness sucks! I've found it helps to focus on what I do have (good friends) instead of what I don't have (boyfriend and lots of makeouts/sexy-times). Not that it's easy, but at least sometimes, it's doable. And yeah, I think one of my goals for the coming year is to not need/quit the shitty job.@mister hex: Aww thanks! Enjoy the naked ladies?

I've been literally shaking from the past few days in rehab. Being in a small house with 15 people is really hard, never mind the fact that they/we/us/it are a bunch of addicts. It's just not...normal. Seriously, the other night I wanted to go mad with someone over something REALLY minor. I percieved their behaviour as bullying, and that's something that makes me want to lose control.

Fucking groups, controlling people, the ugly bullshit of women throwing in the racism card - when it's nothing to do with what's going on, people telling me to fuck-off when I'm trying to be decent...this shit is exhausting!

A nurse managed to get some blood out of me yesterday, so I can finally check what's going on with my hepatitis C status. I should be grateful, as he was really good...BUT FUCK!

THERE IS A LIGHT THAT NEVER GOES OUT:

I guess this what's being in treatment is all about, so I'm just going to try and keep my head down and get through this bastard weekend.

THE KICK OF BOOZE ON THE THROAT:

@Greasemonkey and oldhat: Have a drink on me - fuck knows I could hammer some of that shit RIGHT now.

@mister hex: Cheers, and take care of yourself

@trini: Thank you.

I feel like something is trying to rip my arms out of their sockets, so bye for now.

JP - do you have a LLL group meeting nearby? They can and will help with the whole BF thing, and can find an LCP if you need one. If the TT was sufficient for the MWs to notice it (some are fantastic, but others not so good with this - there is very very little training on TT), then tbh its *very* likely that there is another TT (posterior, or a lip tie or palette issue) that could need looking at. I don't know where you are in UK, so I can't suggest where you can go, sorry.

TT's can be overcome, you may also simply have hit that 'fussy' point where your DP needs to park bum on sofa with baby and feed feed feed, especially if its accross the evening (cluster feeding). The two things together are enough to drive most of us round the twist, even without added things like OCD!!

... went to my cousin's ex-husband's memorial service. His FIVE children all spoke about how great a guy he was (not one word of a lie - HE WAS A GREAT GUY.), about how he loved hockey and fishing and old skoool R&B and all ... they hepled each other compose themselves during the "service", no one of them was alone in trying to articulate their profound grief in front of a crowd far, far smaller than the last rock concert I attended. It TOUCHED ME, MAN.

My dad, who's had nothing but Excellent Things to Say about this branch of our family tree fidgeted through the whole ting. Too many people he didn't know, at least half of them Polish (I KNOW, RIGHT?! THE ABSOLUTE ARROGANCE OF SOME PEOPLE WHO HAPPEN TO BE FROM AN ETHNIC GROUP THAT I FIND ALIEN!) and wanted to go home IMMEDIATELY after the service. I didn't even get to say goodbye (hell, there were so many people there, I barely got to say hello) to the family, MY FAMILY, who are going through WHAT WE JUST WENT THROUGH, DAD. What followed can be charitably described as a farce. (Example - "I am my mother's son, dad. I can make "the Silent Treatment" sound LIKE A BROADWAY SHOW." "Yes, you can," he said. "Yes. You can."

THEN we had a fight about the Catholic Church. I've been drinking HEAVILY since.

And so, on account of which, missed meeting up with T-Dot Whitechapel. (I understand they had fun and raised a glass for me.)

This is pretty much an exact description of who I am these days. Add in some extreme apathy towards everything you can think of and a sprinkling of nihilism. It's been a gradual change in my habits and preferences but it's not exactly healthy any more and I don't know what to do about it. I avoid social situations of all flavours. I don't even write on here really - about 90% of what I type in this box does not get posted and this is a nice, safe, anonymous environment if ever there was one.Worse, I don't really want to do something about it, because doing something surely must include forcing myself to have more interactions with other human beings - an experience which I am finding increasingly excruciating. Even if I could afford some kind of therapy, it would mean talking to someone I don't know on a regular basis and I can't imagine why I would put myself up for that.

I can feel myself on a downward slope but I have no clue what to do about it. Maybe next year is just going to be one of those years where I become a bit of a psychopath for a few months and try to ruin everything in my life. Something is gonna snap.

The good: Pay rise last week, ten days off work over Christmas. Lovely.

The everybody:The absolute gods-honest truth is that I read all of your posts but don't feel personally qualified to address any of you directly. I hope the world/your families/your own brains treat you better soon and I wish I could do something to help.

No boos or hurrahs. This is just to say that I am going on holiday for Christmas and won't be around Whitechapel for a while. I leave in two days and will be back after Boxing Day. So I am taking time out to say goodbye and wish you all a very good Christmas!

@badbearI know how you feel about writing stuff and then not posting it. BUT, if I waited till I was qualified to comment, to comment, I wouldn't say anything. Eventually it just occured to me "how the hell do I get to know anyone if I don't post?" IF you can get past the apathy, then I encourage you to post. If ever there was a group of people who don't response negatively, it's whitechapel.

How to get past the apathy though.... I dunno. A close friend of mine starting closing himself off a few years ago, and it it got so bad he wouldn't hang out with 2 of his oldest friends because he couldn't handle the crowd. His family forced him to get checked out (There is a family history of depression he didn't know about) and he's on the mend (thank god, cause he is one of the best people I know and I like to actually spend time with him)I guess I am trying to say, don't let yourself get completely closed off. Nothing wrong with needing time to yourself, but that shouldn't be all the time.

@roadscumJesus! So sorry to hear that. This seems to be a particularly bad month in that respect.

@DnewlingHappy Holiday!

@hex, oldhat, allana, grease, whoever is in TO - anyone got time for a drink or 2 this weekend? Friday and Sunday are free for me.

And just cause the thread implies I should...The good....Met with the producer of the show I am editing in the spring. He has his shit together, has realistic views on the entire process and has been pretty honest about how much work we have and how little time. It'll be a grind, but I am looking forward to it

The bad...When I move into the new position, I'm worried about a couple of my staff. They are underused already, and I think it'll get worse when I move on. Doing what I can for them now, but I wouldn't be surprised to see morale drop in the new year (Not cause I am gone, but cause the work is shifting around a bit in a crap kinda way for them)