May 2008

Monkey Attack

You can only imagine how many people forwarded me the story about a gang of monkeys attacking and killing the deputy mayor of Delhi, in India. Apparently this had “my kind of story” written all over it.

According to the BBC, devout Hindus think monkeys are the manifestation of the monkey god Hanuman. Allow me to digress right here and confess that I could type the words “monkey god” all day long, and doing so would make me happy each and every time. For some wonderful reason, that combination of words – monkey god – releases a little snort of serotonin directly into the part of my brain that likes it the most.

Anyway, devout Hindus often feed nuts and bananas to the monkeys. So it should come as no surprise that monkeys will occasionally jump on your balcony, grab your nuts, and try to get their paws on your banana. This is why the phrase “had it coming” was invented.

The Indian solution to the problem involves training large monkeys to beat up the small ones. This can’t end well. In my country, we complain that defense contractors are drumming up reasons for war. In India, it looks like the monkey training industry is getting too influential. Their solution to every problem is larger monkeys. But you need to breed ever larger monkeys to beat up the previous monkeys. That’s all well and good until one of them climbs to the top of the Taj Mahal and starts swatting jets.

If I were invited to the funeral, or whatever they call it in India, and I was not a close friend or relative, I don’t know if I could behave myself. Let’s say I was the deputy mayor’s driver, and I was friendly with the dearly departed, but not friends. I think I would spend the entire ceremony going up to different family members and asking, “So, how did he die? No one mentioned it yet.” My entire objective would be to trick a great aunt into saying, “The monkeys tried to grab his nuts, but he didn’t have enough nuts to go around. A scuffle broke out, and he went over a railing.”

I don’t know how reincarnation works, but I’m guessing the deputy mayor will come back as a monkey hater. He might not be too fond of me either.

In unrelated news, my new book, based on the funnier posts from my blog, is available in local bookstores and on Amazon at...

Comments

Hi, David Siegfried here, reviewer for Booklist magazine. OK I guess kee was right when he called me on the carpet for calling Monkey Brain Scott's first non-Dilbert book. In my defense, both the intro of the book and the press release implied that this was the first non-Dilbert book. And I never said that YOUR advice against it was "ostensible", I said that SCOTT wrote the book "ostensibly against the best advice of his fans", ostensibly meaning "to all outward appearances", i.e., tongue in cheek.
By the way, I'm afraid that I'm not Scott's "guy at Booklist", I am one of many freelance reviewers there and my specialty happens to be business books--this is the first of Scott's books I have been assigned.
Yes, David is my first name, Siegfried is my last. In Germany, however, Siegfried is a more common FIRST name than last and Siegfried is the first name of the famed Siegfried and Roy. Yeah, people sometimes ask me that. But I like the sitcom idea, sign me up!
I do have a famous brother, James Chance (look him up if you don't know). Peace - DS

HEEEEEY you guys flip flopped the comments!!!!!!
I made the Big Macaque attack comment attributed to the Indian Nirav!!!!!!! Go back and check your files. I NEVER wrote the:

"let me say right off, when i first read this post yesterday, i was apalled with the insensitivity on display here - for gods sake, a man died. he wasn't just a politician who we all love bashing, but a human being who was also a husband and father to someone!

but rather than shoot of a vitriolic rant against all here, i decided to cool off and revisit the post today.

admittedly scott himself has managed to strike a balance. by pointing out the humor in the situation, providing a perspective on the monkey menace while treading carefully on the death angle.

but the comments by some folk here reek of them being 'intellectually challenged' as well as 'bankrupt in sensitivity'.

also how on earth does this story have "scott adams" written all over it?? oh yeah, i get it now... it brings out the idiotic 'pointy haired Boss' in many a commenter!

Posted by: noshtradamus | October 26, 2007 at 04:36 AM

Screw monkeys! Chewbacca is my GOD!

Posted by: Vader1941 | October 25, 2007 at 01:15 PM

How big of a pigeon can we breed in NYC?

Posted by: me | October 25, 2007 at 01:00 PM

I am regular at your blog and this is my first comment.
Hilarious... I think this is one of the best post in recent times. abs funny, and comments just top it.
by the way i am from india and a Hindu.

yeah the monkey 'god' concept is much misunderstood like holy cow by many.

Monkeys(/cows) dont roam the streets because they are worshipped or considered holy. The city grows into the woods on the periphery and the wild animals (monkeys, tigers, cheetahs, foxes) come to city. It is more common than you can think in India.
For monkeys its much easier to stay in cities, all they need is nuts, bananas and trees. Simple...

The monkey menace has reached such proportions that in new delhi - indian capital, High court ordered govn to control it.

In anycase is not most of the world suffering from a monkey problem called Bush ?

Scot, you dare not undermine the Indian Monkey. As per our holy text of Hindu Mythology (Ramayana, read more of it on wikipedia) Lord Ram (king in exile and reincarnation of God Vishnu) won over the battle with the wicked King of Lanka (Sri Lanka today) with an army of monkeys.
They built a bridge from southern tip of india to Lanka (designed by the engineers amongst the monkeys, Nal and Neel) and the greatest of them Hanuman who was caught by the wicked King Ravana (of Lanka) and his tail was burnt, went on a rampage and but the entire capital of Lanka by hopping around and igniting things with his burning tail.

Nevertheless a funny blog, and frankly even funnier comments (spank the monkey especially)

let me say right off, when i first read this post yesterday, i was apalled with the insensitivity on display here - for gods sake, a man died. he wasn't just a politician who we all love bashing, but a human being who was also a husband and father to someone!

but rather than shoot of a vitriolic rant against all here, i decided to cool off and revisit the post today.

admittedly scott himself has managed to strike a balance. by pointing out the humor in the situation, providing a perspective on the monkey menace while treading carefully on the death angle.

but the comments by some folk here reek of them being 'intellectually challenged' as well as 'bankrupt in sensitivity'.

also how on earth does this story have "scott adams" written all over it?? oh yeah, i get it now... it brings out the idiotic 'pointy haired Boss' in many a commenter!

I am regular at your blog and this is my first comment.
Hilarious... I think this is one of the best post in recent times. abs funny, and comments just top it.
by the way i am from india and a Hindu.

yeah the monkey 'god' concept is much misunderstood like holy cow by many.

Monkeys(/cows) dont roam the streets because they are worshipped or considered holy. The city grows into the woods on the periphery and the wild animals (monkeys, tigers, cheetahs, foxes) come to city. It is more common than you can think in India.
For monkeys its much easier to stay in cities, all they need is nuts, bananas and trees. Simple...

The monkey menace has reached such proportions that in new delhi - indian capital, High court ordered govn to control it.

In anycase is not most of the world suffering from a monkey problem called Bush ?

T.G.; I'm assuming that your second comment was a "burn" of some sort in reponse to my statement. Either way, maybe the person on the other end providing the service isn't the problem. If your second post is indicative of your commuinication skills, you might want the monkey answering your phone. Or maybe I just need a "Dell User" to English dictionary.

I am an Indian, and yet I'm against giving more power to monkeys of any kind. You treat them well, train them to fight other monkeys, and then Whoa! Suddenly you'll find one of them becoming your President and ruling you for eight years! And then, he might start thinking that he is God, or ruler of the world, or something like that...

I lived in India for 5 years given their size I am not sure what they mean by big monkey beating small monkey because what they call "small" can fight a grown man. Oh and there is every possibility that the bigger monkeys will gang with the "smaller" monkey against more deputy mayors. arent they all "hanuman", how can hanuman beat hanuman
Weird fellows (jungle book, mowgli anyone......)

"..That’s all well and good until one of them climbs to the top of the Taj Mahal and starts swatting jets..."

Good one, Scott, you are indeed a brilliant writer, dude!

BTW, not all religious principles are for the best - in India, it is said that the people are starving, the rats get fat, and the cows die of old age, all because of religion. It's time we dumped the old saying 'we all worship the same god,' and actually examined some of the detrimental practices of religions, including some weird things done in the camp of Christendom, of course, (like snake handling, for instance?). We could start with not giving amnesty to killer monkey gods. And yes, I typed all the preceding so I could say 'killer monkey gods'. That has GOT to be the name of my rock band, if I ever get one together. 'Killer Monkey Gods!' Cool!

Any chance of getting these monkeys into the UK parliment buildings, at least the MP's will have some opposition at last. And you never know the monkeys might make better leaders. Ok the price of nuts and bananas will go up an d few MP's will die but it'd a price as british taxpayer I'm willing to pay.

Note about the tolerance of the Indians, if that happend in america they would lock and load an start shootin the god damn (commies, muslims, taliban, etc) lovin ape's, at least the indian's are in a fair fight with sticks and it's one on one..

The monkey god is revered in India but recently monkey gave way to other connotations of racism. During the recent one-day cricket series between India and Australia, the Australian player Andrew Symonds was booed by the crowd apparently using monkey gestures. This led the Australian press term Indians fans racist as Symonds in the only Black player in the squad. The International Cricket Council issued notices to Indian Criket Board asking for action to be taken on the spectators who displayed "unacceptable" behavior. One police officer tried to explain that fans were praying Lord Hanuman (monkey god) for India's victory and not booing Symonds.

I m from india.. a hindu.. now having said that i can see a few hindus showing the hurt/resentment from the post because this post was supposedly offensive to the faith.. so let me be the first one to call you brain dead monkey lover.. a person died because of monkey menace. now whether or not a *monkey* resembles a *god* or not its still an animal... so keep your faith and your nuts and banana's in your pocket and dont feed stray animals .. and if you really feel the obligation because of your faith to do good to a monkey get him/her/it to some shelter or zoo..so that others can atleast live in peace..
Scott's post is meant in zest and should be taken in that spirit.. also for your own god's sake keep your mind open to any "just" critisicm of your faith.. again let me say i am a hindu .. and very proud of being one