Monica : Go! I have it in my book. Go! (Rachel leaves and Monica calls Mrs. Green.) (To Phoebe) Wait a minute! If you’re in charge of the invitations why am I the one who has to call her, Hello Mrs. Green! Hi, it’s Monica Geller.

Mrs. Green : Oh, hello Monica.

Monica : (on phone) Hi, umm I know this is last minute, but we’ve decided to throw an impromptu baby shower for Rachel today.

Mrs. Green : I know, my daughter’s told me about it when they received their impromptu invitations a month ago.

Joey : All right. Chandler, you can either spin the wheel or pick a Google card.

Chandler : Let me think. Let me think. Oh! I don’t care.

Joey : You-you must choose Mr. Bing.

Chandler : Either, it makes no difference.

Joey : Choose, you jackass!

Chandler : I’ll take a card.

Joey : Okay, you picked the Gimmie card! You get all of Ross’s points!

Ross : What?!

Chandler : This game is kinda fun.

Ross : (To Chandler) You don’t think it’s a little crazy that you get all my points just ‘cause you…

Chandler : I don’t think the contestants are supposed to speak to each other.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, the baby shower is continuing as Rachel walks over to Monica and Phoebe.]

Rachel : Why did you invite my mother?!

Monica : What?

Rachel : She wants to move in with me and Ross to help take care of the baby.

Phoebe : For how long?

Rachel : Eight weeks. I mean I love my mother, but my God, a long lunch with her is taxing.

Monica : I personally would be honored if she wanted to live with me.

Phoebe : She can’t hear you.

Rachel : What? You guys, come on! What am I going to do?

Phoebe : Well, if you don’t want your mother to move in with you, just tell her.

Rachel : You’re right. You’re right. I mean I’m about to have a baby, I can tell my mother that I don’t want her to just be sleeping on my couch! Oh my God! She’s gonna want to sleep in my bed with me. This cannot happen!

Monica : That’s right. That is right, you go over there and tell her you don’t want her to live with you. Do not take no for an answer!

Rachel : Okay. (She goes over to tell her mother.)

Monica : (To Phoebe) This is great! Now she’s gonna be mad at Rachel! Y’know what? And I’m just gonna swoop in there and be like the daughter she never had.

Phoebe : I have new respect for Chandler. All right everybody! It’s time to open the presents!

Monica : Yes! Yes! And I think that the first gift that Rachel opens should be from the grandmother of the baby, because you’re the most important person in this room. And in the world!

Mrs. Green : Well uh, I don’t have a gift because I wasn’t invited until the last minute, but thank you so much for bringing that to everyone’s attention.

Phoebe : How about you less important people, let’s open your presents!

(Mrs. Green goes into the kitchen and Rachel follows her.)

Rachel : Mom that’s okay that you didn’t get you a gift!

Mrs. Green : Well, I kinda did. Me. Eight weeks of me.

Rachel : Oh yeah. Okay, see mom, the truth is I can do this on my own.

Mrs. Green : Sweetheart I know you’re gonna be terrific mom, I just think you need a little help, especially at the beginning.

Rachel : Oh my gosh! Oh wow! Oh, I know what this is! (She’s holding an item with a large suction cup connected to a yellow plastic box, with a long narrow tube and bottle connected the yellow part.) Wait a minute. That can’t be right. Is that a beer bong for a baby?

Mrs. Green : Darling, that’s a breast pump!

Rachel : Did I say I was done guessing? Okay, thank you for that. Oh wow! What’s this?

Woman : It’s a diaper genie.

Rachel : Oh, it dispenses clean diapers!

Woman : No! It’s where you put the dirty ones!

Rachel : Well that’s gross, why don’t you just take it outside and throw it in a dumpster?

Mrs. Green : Oh you’re gonna do that ten times a day?

Rachel : What?! It goes ten times a day! What are we feeding this baby?! Indian food?!

Mrs. Green : No dear, that’s what babies do.

Monica : Rachel, listen to your mother. She is very smart.

Mrs. Green : Plus, what are you planning on doing with the baby while you’re trotting out to the garbage ten times a day?

Rachel : Oh come, (Stutters) Of course I know that. I mean of course you never leave a baby alone! I mean who would, she wouldn’t be safe as she would be with me, the baby dummy. Oh God, okay. Y’know what? I think opening the presents right now is a little overwhelming right now. So I think umm, I’m just gonna maybe open them a little bit later, but thank you all for coming. And for these beautiful gifts, and this basket is beautiful.

Woman : It’s actually a bassinet.

Rachel : Okay mommy, don’t ever leave me. (Hugs her.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Joey’s Apartment, the guys are still playing the game only everyone is really into it.]

Joey : (To Chandler) In what John Houston film would you hear this line, “Badges? We don’t need no stinkin’ badges!”

Chandler : Treasure of the Sierra Madre!

Joey : Correct! There’s a possible backwards bonus!

Chandler : Madre Sierra the of Treasure!

Joey : Yes!

Chandler : I’d like to go up the ladder of chance to the golden mud hut please.

Joey : Wise choice, how many rungs?

Chandler : Six!

Joey : (makes a sound like a monkey) That noise can only me one thing.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, the baby shower has ended and everyone except for Mrs. Green have left who is talking to Rachel while Monica and Phoebe are cleaning up.]

Rachel : So umm, you’re gonna stay with me as long as I need you?

Mrs. Green : Of course I am!

Rachel : Oh mom, I swear I’m not an idiot. I’ve read all kinds of books on pregnancy and giving birth, but I-I just didn’t think to read the part about what to do when the baby comes. And-and then guess what? The baby’s coming and I don’t know what to do. Oh, can I throw up in my diaper genie?

Mrs. Green : No. Sweetie, you’re gonna be fine. (Starts to get up.)

Rachel : Wait-wait where are you going? Where are you going?

Mrs. Green : I’m going to the bathroom.

Rachel : Okay.

Mrs. Green : Now don’t worry! Everything’s gonna be okay. (Hugs Rachel while she is standing and Rachel is sitting, seeing this Monica decides to join in on the hugging by hugging Mrs. Green from behind her back.)

Monica : It is going to be okay! (Mrs. Green glances over her shoulder and glares at Monica while she heads for the bathroom.) It was worth a shot.

Ross : (entering, out of breath) Hey!

Phoebe : Hey! Why are you all red and sweaty?

Ross : I just Bamboozled Chandler! (Flexes in victory while everyone stares at him.) Which is not uh sexual thing. That was a quick shower.

Phoebe : Not if you were here.

Ross : Wow! It looks like we got a lot of good stuff.

Rachel : Oh we did, but my mom got us the greatest gift of all.

Ross : (excited) A Play-Dough Barber Shop?

Rachel : No. She’s going to live with us for eight weeks.

Ross : Uh, what?

Rachel : Yes! She’s gonna help us take care of the baby! Woo-hoo. (Sees that Ross isn’t happy.)

Ross : What? You’re not serious. I mean she’s a very nice woman, but there is no way we can take eight weeks of her. She’ll drive us totally crazy.

Mrs. Green : (entering from bathroom) Hi Ross!

Ross : Hi roomie! (Hugs her and looks at Rachel.)

[Scene: Joey’s Audition, Joey is being shown in.]

Man : Hey Joey, hi! I’m Ray; I’m the producer of the show.

Joey : (announcer voice) It’s a pleasure to meet you Ray.

Ray : And this is Duncan (points to the cameraman) and Erin, they’re gonna help us out with the audition. So uh, let’s get the camera rolling.

Joey : (announcer voice) Rightie-O Ray!

Ray : Whenever you’re ready.

Joey : (to the camera) Hello, I’m Joey Tribbiani! Let’s play Bamboozled! Erin, you get the first question! In hockey, who is known as The Great One?

Erin : Wayne Gretzky.

Joey : Correct! Now, would you like to pick a Wicked Wango card or spin the Wheel of Mayhem?

Ray : Uh well, the game was too complicated and research showed people didn’t follow it.

Joey : Well what’s complicated? You spin the Wheel of Mayhem to go up the Ladder of Chance. You go past the Mud Hut through the Rainbow Ring to get to the Golden Monkey; you yank his tail and boom! You’re in Paradise Pond!

Ray : Yeah all that’s gone. It’s basically just a simple question and answer game now.

Joey : Well what’s fun about that? You expect me to be the host of a boring game that’s just people standing around answering questions?

Ray : Well, there’ll be women in bikinis holding up the scores.

Joey : (announcer voice to the camera) Let’s play Bamboozled!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Mrs. Green is telling Ross what needs to be done to baby proof his apartment.]

Mrs. Green : …and all those dinosaur nick-knacks you have Ross, I thought they might be more at home in the garage.

Ross : Well we…we don’t have a garage.

Mrs. Green : Did I say garage? I meant garbage.

Ross : Y’know what? Maybe, Mrs. Green, it’s not absolutely vital that you live with us.

Mrs. Green : Well Rachel needs help with the baby.

Rachel : I do. I really do. I don’t know anything.

Ross : I’m-I’m sure that’s not true.

Rachel : Oh no? Pheebs? Monica? Do I know anything about babies?

Phoebe : No, not a thing.

Monica : It’s frightening.

Ross : Well uh, y’know what? Even if she doesn’t know anything, I do! I have a son. And his mother and I didn’t live together, and whenever he was with me I took care of him all the time, by myself.

Mrs. Green : That’s true. You do have another child.

Ross : Yeah.

Mrs. Green : With another woman. Have you no control Ross?

Ross : That’s a different issue. Uh, the point is, when the baby comes I will be there to…to feed her and bathe her and change her. And more than that I want to do all those things.

Mrs. Green : Well then you really don’t need me to live with you.

Ross : Yes! Yes, you’re gonna be so missed.

Mrs. Green : You’re gonna be a great father.

Ross : Well you’re gonna be a wonderful grandma. (They hug.)

Rachel : Hello?! I still don’t know what the hell I’m doing!

Ross : Oh, come on, every first time mother feels that way. You’ll, you’re gonna pick it up. (Rachel doesn’t believe that.) Hey! You will! Uh look, y’know when you first came to the city? You were this spoiled helpless little girl who-who still used daddy’s credit card. Do you remember?

Rachel : I hope you’re going somewhere with this.

Ross : Look at you! What, You’re-you’re this big executive! You are much more capable than you give yourself credit for. I-I have no doubt you’re gonna be an incredible mother.

Monica : (laughs) You’re still so funny. You’re so funny. (To Phoebe) What do I do?

Phoebe : Nothing! You have apologized to her like a million times and she’s been nothing but terrible to you. And don’t forget you just threw her daughter a lovely, albeit slightly boring, shower, and she hasn’t even thanked you for it.

Monica : Y’know what? You’re-you’re right.

Phoebe : Yeah I mean if you want to say anything to her, I’d tell her off.

Monica : Really?

Phoebe : Uh-huh!

Monica : Okay! I will! Mrs. Green? Mrs. Green! (She ignores Monica and Monica follows her out into the hall with Phoebe in tow.) It is rude to leave a party without saying good-bye to the host! Yeah, and-and also when someone apologizes to you the decent thing to do is to accept it! Now what I did to you, it wasn’t on purpose! But what you’re during to me now is just plain spiteful!

Mrs. Green : Spiteful?!

Monica : That’s right! Maybe it’s time you took a good hard look at a mirror young lady…old lady…lady!

Phoebe : (To Monica) Wrap it up, wrap it up, wrap it up…

Monica : So whenever you’re ready to apologize to me, I will forgive you. Good day! (Monica and Phoebe reenter the apartment and Monica closes the door on a stunned Mrs. Green.) I can’t feel my legs!