where u goin'

i don't know where, who, or what i come from.

yes, i know my immediate & extended family & a few elders in the family that are still living. yes, i know the stories of our collective ancestors & having dealt with racist systemic setups for the benefit of everyone but us. but i've been feeling this hankering urge to dig deeper into info about where i was born, previous family members who may've been in the va area years & years ago ... i can't be the only only one from here, right??? i've heard stories of those who are no longer with us & even have some fading memories of folks i had the pleasure of meeting at a younger age. but i'm unsure about my ancestors/lineage.

i'm fairly clueless on where it is that we come from or what we were made from. the matriarchal sides began in sc & de. patriarchal sides aren't as detailed the further back you go; there's also lacking communication paired with overt masculinity, but that's for another day. with various testing companies out there, the options are pretty endless when it comes to DNA testing, & i do plan to embark on that journey some day, but i believe even after finding out locations & percentages, i'd still be yearning for more. to know what we were like, what we did, how we sang, why we shouted or cried or rejoiced, who we were & how that relates to who i am becoming today.

there's a shirt i've seen recently that reads "i am my ancestors wildest dreams" and though all of us don't specifically know who those ancestors are, we know they've got our backs. this isn't to say that i don't have anyone backing me in the spiritual realm, but i wish i had a much deeper connection to them, to us. to me.

did i take for granted moments with elders while i had them? partially. did i have healthy/healed, communicative beings leading the way? partially. did everyone do the best they could & knew how to? absolutely.

though histories aren't always the most pleasant album to pull out of the crate, they're crucial in the process, work, journey, sometimes shitshow with a rainbow to follow of moving forward.

i may not be as aware just yet of exactly where & who i came from, but i know that where i'm heading will bring it all together.