Shifting Gears

I think, I hope, that some kind of channel is beginning to open up for me.
For the first time since I’ve begun this process and journey of changes, I am feeling a more positive energy and a small sense of creativity.
Writing this blog has something to do with it I think.

But, let me go back.
For many years, I was in the catering business. When I first started as an employee at the biggest catering company in town (at that time) I would see how much stress the owner was constantly under.
I would think to myself, “I am NEVER going to have my own catering company!”

Ha! Never say Never!

My time ended there and somehow things just evolved into me having my own catering company.
It grew from me working out of my house into one commercial kitchen space and then into a bigger commercial kitchen space.
My business grew as did the stress.
Catering has some insane stress that goes along with it! Every event is like live performance art-never knowing what could go wrong and having to fix it immediately – never showing the stress to the guests or to the client.
I often wonder what it feels like to be a brain surgeon and actually have someone’s life in your hands!
But, I looked at each event, no matter how large or small, as important. And, I tried to put the same care and heart into all of them.
While I admit that I started drinking way before I went into business, I think it really escalated then.
Also, my marriage fell apart-this was not due to my drinking- well maybe indirectly-but I think the same circumstances would have occurred whether I was sober or not.
Anyway, I got burned out on the catering after several years and also went through a divorce. I walked away from it all. Sold my house and moved to another country.
I was NEVER going to cater again!

Ha! Never say Never!

After being away for 5 years-and drinking the whole time-I returned to the States.
Started working for a friend that had a catering business.
Eventually, started up another catering business.
I should’ve just gone and hit my head against a brick wall for 14 years!
It did become successful.
I attracted a young, very high end clientele. They had the money and I had the creativity.
The stress continued to increase and I continued to drink.
Oh, I never drank at work or on a job. Even though we were often serving crazy expensive wine.
What was the point of having a taste on the go? I wanted to relax, have the proper glassware and-this is the most important thing-the whole bottle!
I can’t say that I was never hungover at work.
Anyway, after about 14 years, a downturn in the economy and hating the business aspect of being self-employed, I walked away from it.
That was almost 2 years ago.
And I never missed it!
I still do a bit of catering, here and there. I do it in a different way than before. And, to be honest, I’m questioning if I like it at all anymore.

What I did like about it was the creativity of it.
The creative process of coming up with a menu and planning the event.
Coming up with entirely new ways of doing things, combining things.
The artistry involved in presentation.
The cooking part (although to be honest, I had people cooking for me as well)
The communicating with the clients, the vendors, all of that.
But, aside from all of the above, what got me into it to begin with is that I have a gift for cooking. (don’t mean to brag)
I am conscious that I am preparing something that people are going to take into their bodies and try to put as much good energy and love into that food as I possibly can. It’s a spiritual expression for me.
Whenever I’ve been depressed, bored, or experiencing any other emotion, I could always go into the kitchen and cook, getting into a zone and forgetting about everything else.

Until I started getting sober.
I have had no desire to be creative.
I have been in a total fog, feeling listless and blah.

Until today!
Well actually I noticed the shift in the middle of the night when I couldn’t sleep.
I prefer to sleep through the night, but when I can’t- at least I’m not going through the mental anguish caused by drinking.
So, I’ve felt a shift-still feel it. It’s not monumental. But it’s definitely there.
Which makes it monumental.
I feel more energy. More present. More hopeful and optimistic.
Thinking, “it’s just like everything I’ve been reading!”
Trying to figure out this blog thing has been a tremendous help.
Not only in expressing myself but just being able to be in the creation process.
So again, I’ll keep on going, looking forward to another shift in my process and continuing on the journey.

About Me

I am a 60 plus year old (how is that even possible?!) woman who has had a dysfunctional (is there any other kind?) love affair with alcohol for many years. I am educated, well traveled, and ran a very stressful business for many years. Alcohol was with me every step of the way.
The bottle has now been emptied and I have taken the leap into sobriety.
This is my account of trying to come out from under the influence.
Please feel free to contact me at:
freefallingsober@gmail.com

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