No. I am grateful. I never expected to be this involved in your life, your trials, your philosophy, your affection. Thank you. I am thinking of you at this time. You are cursed and you are blessed . . .but still you have so much grace that I feel inadequate and unworthy. Thank you Renee for showing me that life is marvellous, that family is worth treasuring and that despite insurmountable odds we can share, and smile.

Good morning hon..not sure where my comment yesterday went..but I left you hugs and love..I understand this one ...I do Renee. Love you bunches and sending more swan hugs to you. Love you my friend, Sarah

Such words of wisdom and comfort.... Nourishing our souls with positive thoughts helps us all find our way. It's a scary world and what comes next is the greatest mystery of all. Being prepared must make a difference.

Dearest Lovee, it is your love that kindles our love, increases our spark, for you have been refined to Pure Love. You have been given such a Big Work, and you have done it so very well. Your Mom was given a Big Work too, more than 13 of them, and oh how pleased she has made The Lord. Can you even begin to imagine your Mom is sitting at the Table of The Lord, preparing The Banquet. I do believe, I do believe. As I write this, I feel my arms become weak, my heart becomes the opposite of a stone, and love just flows from me to you. I truly love you, Renee.♥ Deb

Roller coaster life, girlie! My favorite ride at the carnival is on the bench with a sno cone watching the crowd go by...care to join me?Sorry for you loss of mom- that is some one who will not leave you really- she's still around...but in a better ethereal body- no pain, breathing deeply and seeing all.

this could be mom, as she was always ahead of her time and it looks futuristic to me....the words are beautiful andi truly believe mom is breathing more freely now than she ever has .... god will give her the strength she needs for this journey of her life renee.she is also free from worrying about us...on a brighter note i can only imagine her face when she sees peter and pauline......together strongi love you jacquie

my beloved renee, i wrote this when i lost a good friend and i offer it to you now, knowing you know this already

Astonishment

If I were dying tonight,Lying in my bed with plastic tubes and half-filled bottleson the small table nearby and bedpans and oxygen there to diminish any shame, Perhaps forcing my breathswith the strength of a desperate parentwho implausibly and frantically lifts two tons of mangled steel off a broken daughter—If I were dying tonight and I wished to tell youWhat will astonish you,I would tell you this:

Be sure to notice white flowers in the moonlight, Because the softened glow is like no other.

Appreciate the lingering scent of garlic on your fingers, Because healing is possible from that alone.

Tell the truth when it matters leastBecause then you will be sure there is another honest person in the world.

Always spend the extra money for dimmersBecause light that builds in intensity and then gently fades is good for your spirit.

Over and over, ask yourself, “What is the lesson here?”Because then you will forever be a student and never a victim

Never believe for a moment that the world is going to hellBecause you only need to love outside yourself to know better.

If I were dying tonight, I would tell you all thisBecause astonishment is brethren to curiosity,Which leads to observation,And dedication,And finally appreciation.

If I were dying tonight, perhaps there would only be minutes,Perhaps only seconds, To tell you that I will leave with all the loveI have ever felt, and ever given.I will take it all with me, tucked under my angel wing—The accumulation of grace from every breath I have ever taken.

Here’s what’s astonishing: I will also leave all that love behind, It will be imbedded in my daughter’s stunning light and my partner’s quiet courage,It will guide my friends and coworkers when the layoff comes. My brother will remember how I tried to do my shareAnd Joey will find someone else like me to help him tame his fears.Even the woman at the grocery store that day I let her go ahead of me—will remember how we were both comforted from that simple act.

If I were dying tonight, I would also tell youThat within, under, because of, and from the little moments Comes all the wonder and astonishment you could ever hope for.The little moments that aren’t so little.I would tell you to let those moments astonish you.I would tell you this because it is all you need to know.

You don't know me and I hope you don't find it too weird that I found your blog today. I am your moms upstairs neighbour although I didn't know her, as I just moved in a few months ago. We coincidentally shared a hairdresser and she had told me about your mom (and her name) when she found out where I was moving.

I typed your moms name into google this afternoon after I noticed that her Christmas lights hadn't been on. (When I first moved in I noticed your mom was "borrowing" hydro from the parking lot to have lights on her balcony and I thought that was pretty funny.) On windy days we could hear her wind chimes in our apartment and I found them very comforting, they reminded me of my own grandmother who passed away a few years ago. I was looking forward to having the windows open and hearing her chimes at night when the weather was warmer. I was sad to see her empty balcony this week.

I'm not sure why I looked for her name or what I thought I would find, after all I only know her through a strand of Christmas lights and a blue plastic butterfly, but I just wanted to let you know that even strangers feel your mothers absence and that I am very sorry for your loss.

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.

Much of your pain is self-chosen.It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility:For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.

Thinking of all of you with much love and hoping for comfort in the sweet memories of those who are now home.

I have been reading your blog and my heart goes out to all that you have gone through with your mother and your dad and Sheldon. I am in Pattee's Odd-doll ning class and she has updated what you have been going through discretely. Many prayers go up to God for you at this time. The passage on your page is beautiful and touches the very soul of those who read it. You will see them again as I know I will see my own dad who died of cancer in 1997. I miss him so much, you can't help but ever miss those you love. Teresa Swanson in California. May you heal with the touch of your friends' love.

When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,speaking words of wisdom, let it be.And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,there will be an answer, let it be.For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,there will be an answer. let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....

And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me,shine until tomorrow, let it be.I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me,speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....

Renee, I know not what else to say...you are in my thoughts all ways...

I found you blog thru my online friend, Joss...hearing her heart so filled with concern and love for you I wanted to come and get to know you too...Renee my heart aches for you today for all that you've gone thru, and I know God has his arms wrapped around you because he loves you so. I will be praying that God gives you strength as you face each day...I will be praying that you find peace from the pain you suffer with, I give you a very gentle hug from someone who cares!!! Bevie

hey renee. i just watched a movie that might be of interest to you. it is called "the beautiful truth" and it discusses dr. gerson's theories/methods for treating cancer. i can't vouch for the accuracy of the statements made in the movie or in dr. gerson's writings, but it sure was interesting to hear.

Renee, I have been thinking about you so often these last two weeks. It's good to hear from you. This is a favorite verse; My father was arabic. He was so proud that Kahlil Gibran was of his people, and he gave us each his books and quoted him on important occasions. It felt very right that indeed, these were the closing words that I said at his funeral.

I wondered about this post. Now I feel that this was you letting us know that you loved us all and it was time. Oh Renee how we miss you. You are one who will never be forgotten. You've live in our souls. God Bless You.

I'll add to the wishes here. It's funny, I haven't been back here since I read about Jacquie, and then today, for some reason I felt compelled to visit. It makes me wonder and rejoice about the power and love of Renee. First year anniversaries are so very hard, second year less so, and third year comes back to bite.

My heart, my thoughts, my prayers are with all of you. I thank God everyday for knowing and sharing with your Mom. I miss her beyond any words that could be written. Your posts are so beautiful. Love always, Sally xoxoxoxo

I am just after reading your previous post on the eve of your late Mothers passing.I think everyone goes through this nearing a first anniversary,I certainly did after my Mom died of cancer in our local hospice,I went through every hour of her last days,right to the end.Its because you can remember everything leading to the end its so shocking it takes a while to leave your mind.Now 5 yrs on I still remember but the edges (the pain of recall)gets a bit blurry and I prefer to focus on happier times.Hopefully this peace of mind will come to you too in time.

Oh nines! haunting like hidden shadows in a night walk. The pot is whistling and the table is set just there, by the buttercups. Come my darling, let's have some tea and forget about the nines. You are in my heart forever, life after life.

What amazing words Renee, I stop by when I can and hope you are continuing this journey into the future, I hope you and your family are well and I often read back through your mum's posts, she was truly an amazing woman with such warmth and humour.

I thought of you all day yesterday. We were at the oncologist and I was more often than not distracted in the heart, as you and I used to say.

I wish I could erase the 9th from all my calendars. I do.

I miss you, I guess it will get better with time, but for now, it is like a new shadow of myself, this missing you. I will make tea, white without sugar - don't laugh - I will make us some scones and maybe drinking it together will make some of the sadness go away for a while.

Sending you ALL love and strength....life continues on ....but, Renee continues to support us with her courage and humour. ALWAYS. Not a day goes by when I don't think of her - or of Wahid, Camille, Jacquie, Sheldon....or you, dear Angelique.

I think of you, too, Angelique...of Wahid, of Camille and of course all the *wee ones*...

Renee's love is STILL here....the power of this one truly amazing woman lives on...in you, your family - and in us...her blogging family... I have been going through some dark days this year...but Renee's spirit amd heart continues to bring me light and strength.

I like many others still feel the need to visit with you here , even though you are gone. You made such an impression on the lives of many , and helped so many in ways you will never know. Sleep well my friend, you are greatly missed x

Just *little ole me*.... the seasons are about to change again.... I am getting ready to fly back to the Northeast again...to visit Lo and hopefully KJ.... and my thoughts turn, as they frequently do to Renee. I would not know any of these wonderful women had it not been for your magnificent Mum. She held out the key - and helped me turn the door to a new life, with new friends. What a gift she gave me!

I wonder how you all are doing....Wahid, YOU, your beautiful children, Camille...

I keep each and every one of you in my prayers and deep in my heart.

I love Renee....and I send love and strength to all of you. I hope you are all moving forward to this Autumn.....I know Renee is nearby to all of you. Angelique, I hope you feel your Mum's arms around you.....cos' she is there.

Almost Thanksgiving...and I have so much to be thankful for.....Renee.... you DID change my life and inspire me to be a better person and let go of all the pain I went through in 2009...You remain a CONSTANT in my heart and in my prayers.

Angelique, I hope you are beginning to feel the rays of the Sun and the sparkle of the Moon shine upon you and all the Family.You ALL remain in my heart and prayers.

To Renee's family. I don't know if you'll get this or not, but I am thinking of Renee today. Two Christmases ago she send me a Christmas card that I have carried with me in my bag from that day forward. I keep it close to me because I enjoy her spirit about me. I only display it at Christmas because I selfishly want to keep her near me the rest of the year.

I wish for her family to have a wonderful Christmas and all blessings for the coming year.

Oh, Renee!! I miss you and think of you, still. I wish I would have believed that you were going to die. I would have said so many more things. I'm sorry I stopped getting in touch. Thank you for your friendship. Thank you for your wisdom and love!!

xoxoxoNancy

Here is Mayfly,It is her first day on earth.It is also her last.Mayflies only live for one day.But is she sad?Not at all.She is happy to be alive!

This isn't any old day.This is the best of days.She lives for each moment.She sees the world begin,She hears the crack of dawn.And bathes in its golden glow.A billion buds burst open.All for her!

Hey Lovee! I knew this was your goodbye the day you wrote it. But as you wrote to me the day I told you that I was going to miss you so much, you said that you would always be with me...and you are. I have felt you even stronger, guiding me, since Gary's diagnosis. And I want to say once again, I love you. Deborah

Hello Lovee! I know. I am weird. But sometimes I just have to stop. I believe in life everlasting. I feel you in my soul, telling me that it will be okay...I know where Gary will be. He said he will wait for me in the snow bank near chair lift #3, where our story began. I do believe it's true. I miss you Lovee, but mostly I am so grateful to have known you. **blows kisses** Deb

Hi Lovee. I began to read your words and for a moment I could not breathe. I feel the weight of you holding me. I am so thankful to have had the privilege of knowing you. I carry you in my heart. **blows kisses to heaven** Deb

So here I am, as always. Yesterday it was Barry's day and today yours.

Why did I have to let go of two people I love so dearly and with so much yet we had to share? I read and re read your cards and your emails, I wish I would have recorded some of our conversations because I am afraid that I will forget the sound of your voice, as I have forgotten that of my beloved Mother.

Once Barry asked me if I could have anything in the world what would I ask for. I told "to hear my Mother's voice one more time".Yesterday I was looking for something in my atelier and a cardfell right at my feet. I am sure I don't need to tall you it was the last one you sent me for Valentine's and I felt another sliver of my heart falling into that dark pool of missing you, missing Barry, missing the spirit and the comfort, the humor and the irreverence you both shared. I miss you darling, I know in my heart of hearts that I will never stop missing you. And I will always hold on to the memories, I may forget the sound of your voice but I will never will forget what we were to each other. That is a promise.

They gave me a bit too much morphine in the hospital one day, and I imagined that I no longer needed to breathe. It was such a wonderfully freeing feeling that the only thing that could have made it better would have been if the nurse had stopped yelling at me to do that which I no longer needed to do, that is to breathe.

Today, I went to the beach with my children. I found a sea shell and gave it to my 4 year old daughter and said You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear. She put the shell to her ear and screamed. There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear. She never wants to go back! LoL I know this is completely off topic but I had to tell someone!

Almost 2014... you, dear Renee, have been in my thoughts a lot this December...I have been quite ill..I remember with crystal-clear clarity what your last few posts were like...and I am stunned with your openness, your honesty...your courage.

You see, my dear Renee....you are STILL providing encouragement and hope to us. I have changed so much in the past years....you were my jumpstart into LIFE...it's a gift I can only try to repay by living my life with some of your openness and courage.. and I am trying to do so.

Angelique, I also think of you, of Wahid, of the *children* who are growing up year by year... YOU are the embodiment of Renee...you steer your family into the Future with grace, strength and ...I think..humour!

One day, I was organizing a pile of papers and I saw a card you wrote to me and my face broke out into a great big smile and I said "oh wow, crazy." You, Bella and I spent so many crazy nights together. It was morning in japan though. I picture you kaughing so hard and banging on your keyboard. What a gift. Such blessing that today the memory of you continue to give joy and happiness. Now very few people have that ability and you were full of it. Thank you for letting me be a part of all that. Tsup!

Like a pilgrim I come here because here is where the memories are. How is it that the heart cannot forget what the mind may? I dread the 8ths and I dread the 9ths.

I have stopped making scones, what is the point? I don't have you and I don't have my Beloved to share them with, no tea, no laughter, only that void as big as the Universe, that it is my home now, thinking of all the words we left behind and reaching in the dark for the ones when we were filled with hope for tomorrow, for the rest of our lives. Hope. I wish I knew what it really means.

Now you are gone and with you my sense of loss is overwhelming as I have no one to share the things I shared with you. Without Barry and without you, life is an endless road backwards, looking for something I know I will not find.

I know you are out there, I sense it not because I believe in Heaven or Hell, but because I believe that true friendship like ours never die.Because the bond with the Beloved is never broken by death, and because I hope you and Barry got finally to meet among the stars.

i'm here tonight, renee. it's been a while now. the blogs have lessened but the love remains. i think of your children and family and i know you live within them. our grandchildren, renee--they will always know us, if not in deed, in words and memories.