Best of luck with your next drop cheeps! You really are amazing. I know what you mean about the pain that comes rushing back in after a drop. Sometimes it happens to me & sometimes it doesn't. Weird. I just live on aspirin and/or motrin. So far, it does help.

Just wanted you to know that I'm behind you all the way. What you're doing is so inspiring! Try to stay in touch as best you can.

Wow that's great news! That proves that you are committed & will do this. It's inspiring. I've never even considered spiking & I've accelerated my taper too. Not too much faster, but faster. Next Sunday I'll be stepping down to 3 mg's. I actually feel just a little better the lower I go. I hope that continues a bit. I can see why some people find a comfy low dose & just stay there for years. It's nice to feel normal. But I'm getting off this shit as fast as I can (in a slow sort of way). haha

Kitty....you are doing so well and you've helped me more than you will ever know...thank you for your wisdom and strength.

I'm struggling still....my back is so pissed. Syd asked me if it was detox pain...I sure wish it was as that goes away. I feel like I'm two inches away from back surgery. Something I dread and dread and dread. I go to the chiropractor Tuesday...I wish I could go once a week but money is a concern. If it wasn't for bad timing I'd throw caution to the winds and jump. But I can't and I need you to keep me straight. I need everyone right now. I'm ok except for the pain....ugh.

Oh Cheeps I'm so sorry about this excruciating pain in your back. The hubs has terrible back pain too. I see him suffer greatly too. Is there anything besides opy's that can bring you any relief?

Detox pain is one thing, constant back pain is a completely different bear. I have no answers for the back pain. I wish I did because both you & the hubs suffer on a daily basis & it breaks my heart. Back surgery is something I wish you didn't even have to talk about. I'm sorry if it's your only choice.

Thanks kitty....it's really got me down. Everyone is telling me how happy I should be when th my son getting married....I'm worried about the four hour drive into possible snow country.

I try hard to hide it from him...since he's so busy and three hours away....I can do it. I'm not raining on his holidays and upcoming happiness. He deserves good things and doesn't need to worry about me right now.

cheeps wrote:Thanks kitty....it's really got me down. Everyone is telling me how happy I should be when th my son getting married....I'm worried about the four hour drive into possible snow country.

I try hard to hide it from him...since he's so busy and three hours away....I can do it. I'm not raining on his holidays and upcoming happiness. He deserves good things and doesn't need to worry about me right now.

Sure, I understand that. Deep down inside you are extremely happy for your son. It's just that constant chronic pain colors your days. It's hard to be happy about anything when you're in such pain.

Let's not worry about possible snow. That's leaning forward in that bad sort of way. Let's expect bright & beautiful days so that the 4 hours in the car will be okay.

Yes, I agree, this is your son's time to shine. You do what's best for you as best as you can. When it's all done you can go back to taking care of yourself & decide on your course of action.

First thank you for all the positive thoughts...from everyone. I don't thank you all enough for the incredible support you give me. Each of you are my,strength......let me tell you how it went at the Drs yesterday.

We have suspended my taper for a few months. Dr finally fessed up to just trying to get me as low as he could. I've known him for years and he can be a real pain in my ass but he's a good dude. I realized about three months ago when I got down to 50 that I might never get off opies...but I still and always will want to be drug free. The mental clarity off opies is worth every bit of suffering we do. Even some of depression that doesn't come from opiates is bearable....that's hard for me to explain but some of you probably understand.

If there was something that could replace opiates I'd be on it like fly on stink. Many of us feel that way. Chronic pain is my enemy, my Freddy, my downfall.

Anyways....I showed him some PMs that some of you guys have sent me over the past month. PMs thanking me for helping you. He knows about the forum but has always respected the need for anonymity. He couldn't find this place...I've made sure of that. He read one PM in particular, put the phone down and just hugged me. It was a complete surprise to me. His stepson ODed last year unintentionally from benzos and booze. Years ago when this kid was 14, he burned down an old barn, got charged and we had him in a teen court program....it helped him but he went on to drug use...I have a RIP thread for Matthew here....he had almost beaten Freddy but got to comfortable. He had quit but ran across some and decided to party that night. His tolerance was down as he had been off for over a year....so just a small amount got him. When the liquor potentiated the Xanax...that was it...he stopped breathing. His girlfriend and young son woke up to a lifeless dad in their bed. The little boy was only a year old so he won't remember that nightmare.

Death from this kind of drug use is common, people think they know how much they can take....but they forget that the body has achieved a drug free homeostasis and tolerance is very low. This is what is meant by opiate or benzo naïveté. The body adjusted but people forget this and think they can do a higher dose wanting that good buzz.

I'm getting off track here sorry. Matthew was a good kid. I helped my dr get thru it

So long story short...dr fessed up to pushing me because of the DEA. Apparently his efforts and notes on my condition now meet the requirements the DEA placed on him a few years back when his own Physicians Assistant helped himself to the Drs.prescription pad. I knew about all that and in the back of my mind knew this was one of the reasons for making me taper.

Call me a drug addict if you want to....but for the next few months I get a reprieve.

I don't know how to fight the DEA except to put sub in the drinking water for a year and then cutting it off. Our medical situation here in America is so fucked up....the dea is churning out the addicts by denying PM patients. Put them on sub. Put all the people on sub....everyone.

Wow Sara, that’s a lot for you to be processing. Your words are an amalgam of sadness, anger, pain and empathy, and I’m sure that’s just the surface.

Sometimes you have to follow your instincts. Sometimes when what your guts tell you is at odds with long held values and goals it gets complicated, even confusing. I back you up 100%. There’s a big difference between use and abuse, denial and survival. If your heart says you need a reprieve from the constant pressure filled feeling and incessant drumbeat of ‘perfection’, and of course chronic pain, then the right thing for you, for now, has changed. Over this past year I can say one thing for sure, you make good decisions, you are a leader, a hero.

I hope between a medical reprieve today, the physical medicine yesterday, and maybe even some of the lifestyle medicine your other doctor buddy showed you that 2018 is a calmer, happier and less pain riddled year.

You must take good care of yourself, because we’re all fucked without you.

Best,

Steve

I have two wolves fighting in my heart. One wolf is a vengeful, angry one. The other wolf is a loving, compassionate one. Which wolf will win the fight in my heart? The one I feed.

Subverted DietDoc wrote:I hope between a medical reprieve today, the physical medicine yesterday, and maybe even some of the lifestyle medicine your other doctor buddy showed you that 2018 is a calmer, happier and less pain riddled year.

You must take good care of yourself, because we’re all fucked without you.

Best,

Steve

Steve....your recommendations and books have changed my life for the better. It took YOU to rattle my cage, wake me up and set me free from my food addictions. That is a major major, MAJOR help to me. It will save my life. If you hadn't have done this for me, I'd still be in the dark and suffering much more than I am now. I can't wait to get thru Xmas, SWEET SEASON, so that I'm better able to get my diet as it needs to be. You are my hero dude .

Sara, to be completely honest, I'm really glad that you can now comfortably have some pain relief. It's just the cards that you have been dealt. Sure, we all want off subs/opy's, but when massive pain is in the equation it just can't be ignored.

I know you don't want to take this stuff, but quality of life has to be considered here & I'm so glad that your Dr. agrees. PM is absolutely necessary for some. I hope I'm not one of them too. Won't really know until I get free of the subs. Then I'll see if my pain can be controlled with 400 or 800 mg motrin.

I hope your pain is under control today and you can enjoy your son's wedding in the days to come.

Wow you’re kind. Whatever I’ve done for you’ve done me and others many times over. I may have given up on the gods but I will always believe in karma. What happened between you and you’re PM provider is clearly, without a doubt, a shining example of good karma. An example of how all the good we bring to the lives of others comes back in our own, an example of you.

Now if we can just get you into Netflix we’d really be making some progress!

I have two wolves fighting in my heart. One wolf is a vengeful, angry one. The other wolf is a loving, compassionate one. Which wolf will win the fight in my heart? The one I feed.