Many things change after you graduate college, and this includes your taste in television. It's only natural that you would no longer be entertained by stuff you were able to relate to in school. The transformation may not happen over night, slowly but surely it happens as you move into adulthood. Have you made the change yet? Here are 7 shows you watched in college versus after you graduated.
1. In college, you watch reality shows based on drunk 20 somethings not really doing anything.
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VS.
After graduation, you watch reality shows based on drunks moms not really doing anything.
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2. In college, you watch movies set on college campuses because you can relate.
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VS.
After graduation, you're looking for "adults" that don't quite have it together like Broad City and Girls.
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3. In college, the only type of self-improvement shows you watch have to do with fashion or cars.
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VS.
After graduation, you start to watch more self-improvement shows about real-estate.
HGTV/Tumblr
4. In college, you watch more dramas where the plot involves the supernatural.
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VS.
After graduation, you watch more dramas where the plot involves science.
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5. In college, as you or your friends start getting engaged you start watching wedding reality shows.
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VS.
After graduation, as you or your friends start having babies you start watching baby reality shows.
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6. In college, your comedies mostly focused on family or school.
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VS.
After graduation, your comedies now focuses on how much working in an office stinks.
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7. In college, you're watching TV and probably taking some cues on how to fall in love...or at least get laid.
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VS.
After graduation, you're watching TV to take some cues on how to properly cook a good meal for your loved one.
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How has your taste in TV changed? Tweet us your answers to the Twitter handles below!
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U.S. comedian Jimmy Kimmel kicked off his late-night TV show on Thursday (28Aug14) by assuring Friends fans that his reunion skit the day before was planned and Jennifer Aniston was not forced into taking part. Devotees of the beloved sitcom flooded social media and YouTube.com after Kimmel brought Aniston, Lisa Kudrow and Courteney Cox together for a scene read in a stage replica of character Monica's kitchen.
Aniston, who was promoting her new film on Jimmy Kimmel Live!, appeared not to be happy about the idea, prompting many fans to criticise her.
But, at the top of his show on Thursday, Kimmel poked fun at the baffled fans as he read out their tweets, posts and emails.
He then explained that his pal Aniston was very much in on the joke - and she was just acting surprised and annoyed by the reunion.
He said, "She was acting, apparently very good too. She should probably get an Emmy for that acting...
"Ninety-nine per cent of the time when you put something on YouTube everyone jumps in to say it's fake, then we put something that is, I thought, obviously fake on and people think it's real."

Friends stars Jennifer Aniston, Courteney Cox and Lisa Kudrow reunited for a sketch based on the hit sitcom for U.S. talk show Jimmy Kimmel Live! on Wednesday (27Aug14). The chat show host surprised viewers during an interview with Aniston when he unveiled a replica set of Monica's kitchen from the comedy, which ran for ten years until 2004.
Kimmel presented Aniston with a script and the pair read a fake scene between her character Rachel and Ross, played by Kimmel, about "making love". The audience then erupted with screams and cheers as Cox and Kudrow walked through the set door.
All four then took part in the sketch, reading from Kimmel's script as their respective characters and criticising his storyline before reciting lines from the show's theme song, I'll Be There For You by the Rembrandts.
The sketch marked the 20th anniversary of the comedy. A replica of the show's Central Perk cafe will be recreated in Manhattan to celebrate the milestone next month (Sept14).

Officials at the Humane Society of the United States (HSUS) are sending actor Peter Sarsgaard a child-friendly cookbook in a bid to help convince his kids to follow in dad's footsteps and go vegan. The An Education star has been eating a diet free of all animal products for some time, but he recently admitted maintaining his vegan lifestyle at home has proved to be a struggle - because his daughters with wife Maggie Gyllenhaal, Ramona, seven, and Gloria Ray, two, love to eat meat.
He told Men's Journal magazine, "I cook steaks for my kids all the time because that's what they like. I guess you could call my wife a pescatarian but my kids eat meat a couple times a week. They love it."
His comments caught the attention of animal rights activists at HSUS and now they are hoping to help him out in the kitchen by providing him with author Jennifer McCann's 2008 book, which is full of vegan recipes designed with children in mind.
Michelle Cho, Vice President of the HSUS, tells WENN, "The HSUS is sending Peter a copy of Vegan Lunch Box - a wildly popular book chock full of kid-friendly and animal-friendly recipes for his kids to enjoy. We hope his compassionate diet extends to the entire family!"

CBS Broadcasting
Not every show can go out on a good note. Sure, some shows like Breaking Bad come up with a conclusion that feels right and true to most fans. But usually, when a show has been on the air for a while, finding a tidy way to wrap things up can be a chore.
Even if it's been planned out since the beginning, as was the case with the series finale of How I Met Your Mother, it's hard to make people who have invested time in the characters feel like they've said goodbye in a satisfying way. While the fury swells over the HIMYM's controversial ending, it's helpful to distract ourselves with other epic finale fails Ted and his stupid blue French horn are up against.
The Sopranos
It's like the start of a joke… Tony Soprano walks into a diner.
That's how David Chase sets up the finale of his landmark HBO series. The Mafia boss made famous by the late James Gandolfini rifles through a jukebox at his table and picks out Journey's "Don’t Stop Believing." His wife Carmela (Edie Falco) joins him, soon followed by his son A.J. (Robert Iler). The diner is full. A guy in a hat sits at a nearby booth and may have eyed Tony when he was alone. Another guy in a Members Only jacket enters right before A.J. and seems kind of twitchy. Another pair of guys lingers near the counter. Tony's daughter Meadow (Jamie-Lynn Sigler) is late because she can't parallel park. The jacket guy walks past the Soprano's table and goes into the bathroom. Meadow, finally out of the car, walks towards the door of the diner. She reaches out to open it, the bell rings above the door and… nothing. Cut to a black screen.
Millions of Americans reached for their remote, sure that their TV sets had just completely screwed them over and were poised to call their cable company... when suddenly the credits started to roll. The shock that the series ended with a cut to black set fans howling and looking for answers. Did we go black because a bullet just went through Tony's head? Did the bell mean something? Were the potential threats in the diner just a part of Tony's normal paranoia? What the heck does any of it mean? Chase has steadfastly refused to provide much in the way of explanation, leaving a large section of the fan base furious over the ambiguity.
Seinfeld
The show about nothing decided to make the end about something. That's a problem. With Larry David back to write the final episode of the show that he created with his friend Jerry Seinfeld, the group is about to have some good fortune. The show-within-a-show created by Jerry and George (Jason Alexander) finds new life and the duo, along with Elaine (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) and Kramer (Michael Richards), are jetting off to Paris to celebrate in a private jet courtesy of NBC. But, some mechanical issues ground them and while they wait, they stand around making jokey comments about a car-jacking that they're witnessing. Next thing you know, we're in a court room with every ancillary character in the history of the show, each with his or her own story of how horrible Jerry and his friends are. The foursome is led to a single jail cell after being convicted under a Good Samaritan law and, essentially, starts having a conversation the same as they would at Monk's or Jerry's apartment.
As the credits role, Jerry, dressed in prison orange, performs a stand-up routine for the other inmates. The finale was bloated, lazy, and worst of all, not funny… with jokes falling flat left and right. Apparently most of the humor was supposed to come from the audience seeing the Soup Nazi or Newman one last time. For a show that had delivered consistent laughs throughout its entire run, not remaining true to the style of humor that had made it a cultural phenomenon was the ultimate sin.
St. Elsewhere
The critically acclaimed '80s medical drama had a very loyal fan base that kept it on the air. It's hard to remember but the Boston-based show was the career launching pad for a number of actors, Denzel Washington and Mark Harmon chief amongst them, and was a major influence on later hospital series like ER and Grey's Anatomy. In the finale, a bearded Howie Mandel leaves after finishing his residency and David Morse's soulful Dr. Morrison collects his young son to depart as well. As the show's moral center Dr. Westphal (Ed Flanders) returns to his office, his autistic son (Chad Allen) stares out the window at the falling snow.
Cut to: Westphal now dressed as a construction worker entering an apartment where his son is on the floor staring at a snow globe. What's inside the globe? A replica of St. Eligius Hospital, or St. Elsewhere, as it's more commonly called. So, the whole show was just something that played out in the mind of an autistic boy? Is that it? Really? The whole "it was all fake" ending worked exactly once with the brilliant final reveal on Newhart, but that's it.
Dexter
The closet serial killer played by Michael C. Hall is getting out of the game. With his girlfriend Hannah (Yvonne Strahovski) and son Harrison (Evan and Luke Kruntchev) in tow, he's going to skip out to Argentina and lead a more peaceful life... then a criminal shoots Dex's sister Debra (Jennifer Carpenter). Even though she seems fine, she suddenly lapses into a coma after a massive stroke. Dexter kind of matter-of-factly kills Saxon while he's in police custody, sends Hannah and Harrison off to Buenos Aires, and then takes Deb off life support. He steals her body and dumps it into the sea, before faking his own death. Except when we see Hannah and Harrison way down south, Dexter isn't with them and Hannah is reading a news story about his presumed watery demise.
We hear Dexter in a voice-over explaining how hard it is to be him. So, where is he? Well, why don't we let every fan of the Showtime hit take over from here: "A lumberjack?! He's a f**king lumberjack?! What do you mean he's a f**king lumberjack?!" Before that final scream-inducing reveal — seriously, how many TV sets were broken when remotes went sailing into them immediately after the shot of bearded Dexter? — the episode was pretty lifeless, moving from point A to B to C in a paint-by-numbers kind of way.
Roseanne
Just like with Seinfeld, the ending to Roseanne Barr's long-running sitcom felt like a cheat. Really it was a case where the show probably should've ended a couple of seasons before it actually did. The final season was an unmitigated disaster as the Connors won the lottery and the entire premise of the show changed, becoming a distorted rumination on the meaning of life. In the final episode, we see the cast of the show gathered around the kitchen table eating, laughing, and joking. Then a voice-over from Rosanne tells us that what we've been watching was a figment of her imagination. She's changed things from real life as she's written, including having Dan survive the heart attack that actually killed him two years prior. Worse, she calls into question what parts of the show going back before the heart attack were real (what do you mean David is really Becky's boyfriend?). Considering that the show became a ratings juggernaut with its funny portrayal of the real issues that face lower-middle class Americans, being told that it was just the main character's alternate reality was a slap in the face. And, while it's fine for a finale to be packed with emotion — plenty of fans cried at the end of M*A*S*H and The Mary Tyler Moore Show — the final shot of Roseanne sitting alone on her couch was unnecessarily depressing.
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The movie may have been a blip in cinema history, drowned out by the noise of the drama unfolding around it off screen, but Mr. and Mrs. Smith deserves a closer look. Most people associate the movie with the biggest tabloid story of the 21st century, in which the man-eating Angelina Jolie stole Brad Pitt from America's sweetheart Jennifer Aniston, breaking up Hollywood's golden couple. For those of us who are actual fans (of which I'm sure there are dozens!), we see past all the gossip. To me, personally, it's also so much more than an action-comedy starring the world's most beautiful man and woman. When you look closely, Mr. and Mrs. Smith is actually a brilliant satire. Hear me out. Here are three reasons why it deserves to be remembered beyond Team Jolie and Team Aniston.
Satire on Suburban Life
There are so many great juxtapositions between the protagonists' secret assassin identities and their mundane suburban lives. The Smiths' shiny, deluxe, state-of-the-art kitchen appliances are used to house and hide shelves of Jane's (Jolie) shiny, deluxe, state-of-the-art deadly weapons. Jane uses her martial arts skills to balance precariously on a chair while fixing the curtains. John (Pitt) invites his neighbor Bob over for the first time in the midst of his fight death match with his wife, and they talk golf trophies as John scans the house for his assassin spouse. The Smiths escape their own assassins in the film's action-packed car chase scene in a minivan, taking advantage of the vehicle's functional features (an assassin hops into the van and John sends him flying out with the "handy" sliding door) and swerving and shooting out of it like it was Bond's Aston Martin.
A Refreshing Take on Being a Hitman
Besides satirizing suburban life in the most unique way I've seen in film, Mr. and Mrs. Smith is also a satire on assassinating as a corporate profession. Ben (Adam Brody) is a new hire, an entry-level assassin who acts as if he's a young hot shot at an advertising firm. After his first violent confrontation, he asks a senior colleague if they "get dental." When rival assassins are sent to take out the Smiths, John runs one over with his — what else? — minivan and quips, "F*ckers get younger every year." In one of the funniest exchanges between the married couple, John is curious to know Jane's "number" (in this case, her number of kills), and as he starts to humbly brag about his number being in the high 50s, low 60s, she blurts out "312." He's shocked, disgusted, and humiliated. Everybody loves a double entendre, right? And Pitt kills it with his subtle yet spot-on reaction.
Truly Worthy Adversaries
In most assassin/spy/secret agent movies, when the man (and it's always the man) reveals his true identity, the woman freaks out (she always freaks out). Not only does Jane not freak out, but she has a secret of her own to reveal — that she's actually a more successful version of her husband's secret identity. When the two ultimately fight each other to the death, the sequence is well-balanced, with each side getting in as many shots and hits, and full of humor, with "Who's your daddy" jokes sprinkled in. In a twisted way, their fight is the first time they make passionate physical contact as a couple. When John gives Jane the chance to kill him, she doesn't take it, and instead, decides to fight on her husband's side, the film's way of saying they're going to work on their marriage. We need more Jane Smiths in film — women who are strong, smart, and physically capable not out of vengeance or after some transformation, but just because.
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America is a confused nation. On the one hand, we constantly wave our saturated fat flag, consuming calories at a faster pace than we can drive our gas-guzzling SUVs. But on the other hand, we use magazine covers to establish an impossible beauty ideal, celebrating actresses and models who claim they eat three cheeseburgers a day while looking like they eat only one cheese slice.
And this dichotomy is no clearer than on television, where our obsession for food and beautiful people so often collide. For every Paula Deen on television, there's a Giada De Laurentiis and Padma Lakshmi, making us wonder why some, unlike us, aren't what they eat.
So what a refreshing relief to hear Nigella Lawson, the British chef behind Food Network's Nigella Bites, has rejected the option to be airbrushed on the poster for her new ABC series, The Taste, a Voice-style reality competition premiering Jan. 22. Wrote the chef in a blog post Friday, "Although it was very thrilling to think of being up on a billboard in LA and around the States, I was very strict and English and told them they weren't allowed to airbrush my tummy out. Wise? Hmmm. But that tum is the truth and is come by honestly, as my granny would have said. "
Some might scoff at Lawson's anti-airbrush stance — after all, it's easy to have confidence on a billboard when you've already been established as a curvy sex symbol. Still, it's a brave move in a TV food industry that has become as fixated on image as ingredients. A food personality that actually looks like she eats? That's some good news to digest.
[Image Credit: WENN]
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For many movie-goers, 2012's film slate hit close to home. Especially if they sat in theaters admiring cinema's best real estate of the year. Skyfall, The Hobbit, The Dark Knight Rises — many of the year's biggest blockbusters also boasted sprawling mansions that movie-goers would spend hours drooling over in their theater seats. But which films brought us the most — and least — coveted homes and properties of the year? Go ahead — make yourself at home and scroll down to find out!
Movie: The Hobbit
Property: Bag End
Location: Hobbiton, Middle Earth
Description: Nestled in the side of a Hobbiton hill, this cozy three-bedroom Hobbit hole is the perfect bachelor pad for lads preparing for their next unexpected journey.
Amenities: A fireplace fit for a pipe, a wine cellar, and a pantry big enough to feed 13 dwarves.
Price: The Baggins family wouldn't be quick to give it up — perhaps for an Arkenstone?
Movie: Skyfall
Property: The Bond Family's Skyfall Estate
Location: Scottish Highlands
Description: The perfect retreat for when you literally need to retreat from a deranged former colleague who’s trying to kill you and your boss.
Amenities: Long vacant — its owners were killed in a climbing accident — this is a fixer-upper to be sure. But it comes with substantial acreage, a car park for your Aston Martin, propane tanks for heating and the construction of makeshift bombs, a wall-length mirror, Reformation Era subterranean tunnels for a clandestine exit, a vintage hunting-rifle armory, and the services of a crusty old gamekeeper.
Price: By our calculations, a steal at £1.5 million
Movie: Beauty and the Beast 3D
Property: The Beast's Castle
Location: France
Description: This sprawling, private kingdom — built with Europe's finest golden materials — boasts a history as rich as the food served in the castle's fully staffed kitchen.
Amenities: Indoor landscaping (in the form of a mysterious, single rose), a large library to charm visitors, a 3D-friendly vast ballroom with high ceilings, and a roomy dungeon to host your future father-in-law.
Price: $47 million — otherwise known as Beauty and the Beast 3D's total box office cume.
Movie: The Dark Knight
Property: Wayne Manor
Location: Gotham City
Description: Escape Gotham's violent underground with this beautiful mansion, once home to billionaire Bruce Wayne and many exorbitant parties gone very, very wrong.
Amenities: A fully manicured lawn, a friendly butler who knows more about you than you know yourself, a subterranean cave for an undercover vigilante filled with technologically advanced weaponry a basement that leads nowhere.
Price: By our calculations, $46 million.
Movie: The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel
Property: The Marigold Hotel
Location: India
Description: This charming hotel is happy to host retirees both enthusiastic about travel and extremely racist. Don't be distracted by its cracks — this property is perfect for anyone looking to invest in a fixer-upper!
Amenities: A thriving social scene for the elderly, local cuisine that will give your taste buds a bit too much of a kick.
Price: Whatever takes it off Sonny's hands!
Movie
: The Hunger Games
Property: The Capitol's Training Center
Location: The Capitol
Description: Right in the heart of Panem's Capitol, the Hunger Games' training center bristles with excitement. Be one of the first to scope out the Games' talent first-hand, and stay for a drink — if a tribute doesn't shoot it out of your hand first.
Amenities: On-location stylists and mentors, an underground gymnasium, an adjoining apartment complex filled with windows to longingly peer out of.
Price: Whatever it costs to overthrow President Snow. Courage?
Movie: The Queen of Versailles
Property: The mansion built by billionaires Jackie and David Siegel, also known as Versailles
Location: Orlando, Fla.
Description: This real-life 90,000-square foot mansion — the largest in the U.S. — is strictly for the 1 percent, offering more luxury than practicality. But that's okay, because you're rich! (Until, of course, you're not.)
Amenities: Two movie theaters, a bowling alley, nine kitchens, three swimming pools, a baseball diamond, a health spa, 30 bathrooms, and other luxury items that, yes, actually do exist in a real home.
Price: Considering its windows cost $4 million, you don't even want to know.
Movie: Wanderlust
Property: Elysium Bed and Breakfast
Location: Unknown
Description: The perfect rest stop for your long journey, Elysium offers peace and next to free love lodging for those who love Mother Earth.
Amenities: A breathtaking view of Jennifer Aniston's breasts.
Price: That's not the green stuff we care about, man.
Movie: Project X
Property: The Kub Home
Location: Pasadena, Calif.
Description: This comfortable family home is the optimal place to raise children who will one day take advantage of your trust and throw a raging party on the spacious lawn.
Amenities: A pool large enough to fit your car, a roof secure enough for dancing, rooms that can be converted into beer troughs, and a lawn gnome.
Price: Pales in comparison to what you'll pay in fire insurance.
Movie: Sinister
Property: The Oswalt Home
Location: Unknown
Description: In need of inspiration? Move into this home, perfect for those hoping for privacy to hunker down and work on their next project.
Amenities: A home entertainment center in the attic, a garage with a full set of sharp tools, unique wall art.
Price: Your life.
Movie: Paranormal Activity 4
Property: The Nelson Home
Location: Suburbia, USA
Description: Get to know the creepy neighbors in this delightful home filled with plenty of dark corners.
Amenities: Fully equipped wireless cameras, laptops, and other specter-revealing technology, a nearby tree house so inviting, even evil ghosts can't resist.
Price: Your life.
Movie: Cabin in the Woods
Property: A woodland cabin
Location: Unknown
Description: Looking for an isolated weekend getaway where no one can hear you scream for your four college friends? You're in luck! This cabin — located in the middle of the woods — is the perfect location for nights in with a case of beer and a family of zombies.
Amenities: A cellar full of charming, ancient trinkets. Look, but don't read.
Price: Your life.
Additional Reporting by Christian Blauvelt
[Image Credit: Warner Bros (2); Lauren Greenfield/Magnolia Pictures; Walt Disney; Lionsgate]
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If there is one thing Pete Wells' caustic New York Times review of Guy's American Kitchen and Bar did for Guy Fieri's Times Square restaurant it's generate buzz. From Twitter to the conference room, Flavor Town has been on the tip of everyone's tongue for the past two days — and Hollywood.com's headquarters is no exception. Along with the rest of the New York Times-reading, Today show-watching, grub-loving population, we couldn't stop talking about Fieri and his, as Anthony Bourdain so gracefully put it, "terror dome." The one question that was heard echoing throughout our office was, "Could it really be that bad?" Naturally, we had to find out for ourselves. So lunch today for Kelsea Stahler and myself took place at Guy's American Kitchen and Bar.
Even in the wake of a foodie scandal — or as close to a scandal this industry gets — it was business as usual today at 220 West 44th Street. The place was hopping, filled to the brim with hungry tourists and business lunches. According to a restaurant employee, who was instructed to stay neutral on the topic, "Today was just a normal day."
But for passersby and diners alike, the Times review and its fallout was never very far from anyone's mind. A man from Columbus, Ohio, told us as he casually perused the menu outside with his wife, "We knew about [Fieri], we had seen him on the food channel." His wife chimed in, "Yeah, I knew he had a restaurant here before we saw the review." She added, "We saw him on the Today show this morning. I thought he did an excellent job, stood up for himself." And, despite the potential diners' familiarity with the scathing review and the fact that much of the food on the menu "look[ed] kind of heavy," the two headed inside for a bite.
Rishi Sharma and Alex Wolfe, young professional New Yorkers working in the finance industry, cited Wells' review as the sole reason they and a friend chose to make the trek across town to Guy's American for lunch. And the verdict: Not so bad. Sharma (who enjoyed the pork sliders, mac and cheese, and calamari appetizer) said of his experience, "The food was good, our service was very good. The food was flavorful, our waiters were very attentive. The ambience was like a normal, mid-sized, good old fashioned American chain. So I walked away thinking it was a good experience."
But that doesn't mean the review was forgotten. In fact, Wells' critiques formed the foundation for Wolfe and Sharma's lunchtime chatter. "We were just saying over lunch that we're all foodies. No one is more discriminating and can be scathing in their criticism than us," Wolfe said. "But come on, it's a mid-sized, mid-priced, chain restaurant and for that I think it's very good. And I think the review, as entertaining as it was to read, was pretty unfair, pretty over the top. And almost kind of… you think about the New York Times being the gold standard in journalism and all that, and I thought that that review was so over the top that it almost compromised their integrity. And that comes from three vicious food critics."
A couple who wished to be identified as "Native New Mexicans" also said the were inspired to check out Guy's American after reading Wells' review. "I watch Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives. And it was such a scathing review that it was like, Could it really be that bad? So we decided to come and see how bad it was," the wife offered. The couple also echoed Wolfe and Sharma's faint praise of the cuisine at Guy's American. "I thought it was typical bar-type food that was fine. I had the tortilla soup which tasted good. My waitress was cute and nice and friendly," the woman said. (She later clarified, "My tortilla soup was good, but I was warned that it was spicy and — we're from New Mexico, we know what spicy is — it wasn't that spicy. It was tasty, but it wasn't spicy.") Both agreed that the apple crumble (called "House Made Granny Apple Crumble," $11) was the best thing they ate.
Thanks to the review's instant viral popularity, news of its vitriol spread beyond the restaurant's haven on 44th street and into the wilds of Times Square. There we found Jennifer, a young woman visiting New York from Santa Monica, who knew much of the review. "I thought [the review] was pretty funny. I mean, I haven't eaten there, so I don't know, but my instinct is that it was fair. I think there's room in reviews to be creative." Would she be stopping by to see how things were for herself? "I was actually thinking about taking a picture and tweeting it and saying, 'I've heard a lot of buzz about this place. Maybe I should check it out.' But I wouldn't actually eat there."
The question at the heart of this whole debacle is whether the Times was right to hold Guy's American to the same standard as they would the "fine dining" restaurants they usually review. Can we expect the same things from Guy Fieri's curation of greasy American bar food located smack dab in the middle of tourist trap Times Square that we would from Thomas Keller or Wylie Dufresne? Although she enjoyed chuckling at Wells' review, Jennifer thinks not. "I get his brand and I'm sure that the people that would want to eat at his restaurant wouldn't feel the same way that a New York Times reviewer would," she said.
She added, "I mean, it's kind of like reviewing Applebees, right? So I bet that for people who love Guy Fieri and really follow his brand it's going to be just great. And I think that a lot of people who are tourists, especially in Times Square, that's the kind of expectations you have."
And indeed, Jennifer has a point. In waiting to question unsuspecting diners as they exited the restaurant, we witnessed Beth Mowry and Abbey Brown, two young women from Ohio, walk up to the menu posted outside the door, take a gander, and go inside — only to exit two minutes later. "What made you decide not to eat there?" we asked. They gleefully responded, "We're going to, we made a reservation for tomorrow!" While Brown admitted she had read Wells' review earlier that day — "I think it was a little harsh. I mean, if he didn't like it he should give them a bad review, but the things that he said were a little extreme," she said — Mowry was simply a fan of Fieri's. "We just passed by, happened to notice the name with the sign and wanted to check it out," she said. Both agreed, "We watch his show and enjoy it."
Let's now kick it back to our initial query, "Could it really be that bad?" The general opinion seems to say no, not really.
Follow Abbey Stone on Twitter @abbeystone
[Photo Credit: PR Newswire/AP Photo]
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There's an old expression amid the ancient people of Beverly Hills (which were really just a bunch of reanimated skeletons that started the movie industry by clickety clacking their bones together in front of a magic screen) that you can lead a Llama to a birthday party, but you can't make it spit. That is exactly what happened last night on The Real Alpaca Farmers of Sassafras Mesa. Lisa Vanderpump went to a party, but wouldn't get in a fight. They tried everything: they planned a party, they invited her enemies, they goosed up the expectation of her rival, they hired a petting zoo just for the occasion. But, just like a willful mouse that is leaving chocolate sprinkles all over your kitchen counter and tearing into your cereal boxes and not eating the poisoned peanut butter you left on the floor, Lisa did not take the bait. Good for you, Lisa.
Before we can get to Lisa staying above the fray we have to talk about Adrienne the evil Queen of the Maloofs (a race of mole people that live beneath a mountain). Queen Adrienne is mad at Lisa. Why? Who knows? No, seriously, I want to know who knows, because I don't think that even Adrienne knows anymore. It's like she just has this little bit of malignant anger that is making her feet feel all uncomfortable and tingly, like getting that pedicure where the fish eat all the dead skin off of your feet. It's there and ticklish in a bad way, but even though you can put your foot in it, you can't put your finger on it. Anyway, Adrienne is mad and wants Lisa to apologize to her.
Lisa also wants Adrienne to apologize to her, but there is a reason: Adrienne wrongly accused her of selling stories to the tabloids on national television. Yup, that seems like an apologizable offense. To make matters even worse, Adrienne keeps telling people that Lisa is immature for not inviting her to her Villa Blanca Naked People Serving Drinks soiree. Um, Adrienne is the one who sent a giant arrangement of spite flowers sticking out of three steaming piles of poop. Lisa didn't invite you to keep drama out of her party and Adrienne just couldn't stay away. Who is the one who is immature?
Alright I'm getting ahead of myself, because I don't want to get to the party yet. I just can't. We have so much to get to before that. First we have to talk about Taylor, who asked Kyle's husband Mmmmmauricio and Adrienne's jester Paullo the Chimp to walk with her in one of those stupid charity walks where people get to put on T-shirts for the cause and feel good about themselves, but how do they even raise money? The same way that Adreinne is angry at Lisa: no one knows. Anyway, Taylor knows about some walk in Sacramento (no one should ever walk in Sacramento) where the guys walk a mile in women's shoes. No, not figurative, literal. They walk a mile wearing high heels. Ugh, there is nothing worse than straight men in high heels. It always sounds like this, "Whine, whine, complain, my feet hurt, I need to sit down, whine, whine, whine. Honey, why don't you wear these stilettos to dinner?" The worst.
So Adrienne takes her chimp Paullo shopping for shoes and he tries on a whole bunch of pairs while still wearing socks. Ugh, straight guys in high heels are the worst. Don't you know the socks make it even harder to walk? Paul picks out two pairs of size 12 from the saddest tranny shoe store on all of Melrose Boulevard. (PS--Doesn't Adrienne have a shoe line? She should be like, "You are wearing my freaking shoes in this damn race. They come in size 12. Here, you are wearing these. Thanks for the advertising.") Paullo gets two pairs of shoes, one a sparkly red pair that looks like a cheap version of Dorothy's ruby slippers (sorry, Paullo, you are no friend of Dorothy) and another pair that is a sparkly silver platform boot that goth kids wear to see their favorite industrial bands at underground clubs. They're also a best seller in Germany. As soon as I see them with the two pairs of shoes I figure out exactly what is going to happen. "Paullo is going to pretend to wear the red shoes but chicken out and wear the androgynous shoes because he can't take the pain slash blow to his manhood," I said to myself.
After a private plane jaunt to Sacramento (never fly to Sacramento) the guys show up for the walk and there are all these dudes who are getting really into it. They're dressed in matching outfits and have on real shoes that they went and picked out at DSW like any self-respecting grown man who likes to wear ladies' shoes every once in awhile, and they're not complaining at all. They all know how to walk and some even run. These guys have been practicing. Mmmmmauricio gets a pair of loaner silver shoes (size 14!) and wears them with socks because he is a guy and an idiot. And, just as I thought, Paullo goes for those big silver boots and everyone is like, "You freaking cheater. That doesn't even count." And he walks about 10 city blocks (really, that probably equals a mile) and is like, "I'm doing it. I'm really walking in high heels." No you're not. You're dressed as Kiss for Halloween, that's what you are. So don't start getting all cocky thinking that you ended domestic violence by wearing the surplus stock from Hot Topic, because you did nothing but embarrass yourself. Yes, the only thing more embarrassing than wearing socks with high heels is not wearing high heels at all. Way to go Paullo. And we all know you only wore those platforms so you could finally be tall for one hour of your life.
Now it's time to get to Yolanda, a rubber tree that grew in the marshes of Indochina (do they have marshes in Indochina?) and was one day sprinkled with magic potion by the model fairy Eileen Ford and she sprouted limbs and posed in a number of different frocks and French cut bathing suits and neon green thongs in the fashion catalogs of the universe. Yes, it is now time to talk about her. She went to the set of a photo shoot to watch her seedling Gigli (who was the inspiration for the Jennifer Lopez movie of the same name) model clothing for a certain clothing company. Guess! No, that's the name of the brand, Guess! No, Who is on First, Guess is on Gigli.
This whole thing exposes Yolanda for what she really is: blithely awful in the way that most Real Housewives tend to be, even those who have a barky exterior and whose hair is made out of little wisps of blond twigs. The most popular crime of the Real Housewives (aside from batshittery and general bonkersness) is self-delusion. Yolanda thinks that she is not a stage mother. She thinks that, because she was a model, she can show up and give Gigli advice on just how to best show off her rib cage to the camera. She says she just likes to show up and be there for support and not have any input. She is not, I repeat, a stage mother. OK, maybe she'll comment on the makeup. And maybe she'll make a little comment about the wardrobe. Sure, she ignores her daughter when she tells her to stop, but she just wants to make sure that she has eye drops in her eyes so they don't get dried out because it will make her make a funny face. But she's not a stage mother. No!
And she certainly didn't stand over the photographer making suggestions and go through all the pictures and tell them which ones work. No, she did not do that at all. And she certainly didn't tell the makeup artist to round out her daughter's eye because she looked "too Chinese." She would never say something awful and racist like that! Gosh, no. "Chinese eye" is a technical term in the modeling world for when a makeup artist makes a Caucasian girl look like like an Asian. It refers to a precise technique of painting around the eye, it isn't racially charged. Gosh, don't you know that? It's probably because you're a stage mother. Yolanda, she is not. She is not a stage mother. No, she is not! And that Gypsy Rose Lee, man she got a raw deal. If only her children understood her. She wasn't a stage mother, she was a god damned angel and her eyes were round. They were the roundest.
Zoom on over to Kyle's house right now, because it is time for Portia's birthday party. Yes, it's just a little casual affair. Nothing special, just some kids in party hats and some cupcakes. Oh, and face painting and custom printed T-shirts. And we have to have a petting zoo with a llama and some ponies dressed up as unicorns. Oh, and did you see what Madison had at her party? We have to have those blow up toys and the kids can win them at carnival games. We have to have that. Oh, order a bouncy house. I mean, that just goes without saying. And what are the adults going to do? I guess we can have a photo booth. That's not too much, right? We're just trying to keep it casual this year. Nothing big. Oh, sure, I'd love it if you could bring some Funfetti cupcakes you made from the box. I'll just cancel the two-ton cupcake that Crumbs was sending over on a flat bed truck. Yeah, I was thinking that might be a little extreme anyway. Thanks.
Lisa is the first one to come to the party because she has a wine tasting at Villa Blanca that she just can't be late for. She arrives with two presents for Portia and leads an old llama around by its collar. Oh, wait. That's just her husband, Ken. Never mind. Sorry Ken! We didn't see you there.
Kyle doesn't believe that Lisa has a wine tasting and thinks she is just trying to avoid Adrienne. I don't know if that's true. It might be true and I don't care if it is. Leave it to Lisa to find a tactful way to get out of having to scream and cuss at Adrienne while there are children trying to eat out of the cotton candy fountain and cookie mountain in the middle of the tennis court. Kyle wants to have dinner with Lisa and Adrienne and broker peace. "Oh, no no no no no no," Lisa says in her soft purr. "Things always get fouled up when other people involved." If ever some scribe were to write down the commandments for the Real Housewives (put this in the story idea folder) one of them should be not to let other people into your squabbles because that's when they go from tiffs to explosions. That is just taking the pin out of the grenade and watching it explode, slicing everyone with shrapnel.
Lisa leaves and there is a parting of the clouds in the sky and a blinding light rains down from on high in those big sweeping beams that are almost visible like they were painted by Thomas Kinkade Painter of Light™ and everyone puts their hands up to their foreheads to shield themselves and turns away. Kyle puts her sunglasses on her face and says, "Oh, goodie! Camille is here!" Yes, it was St. Camille, the Martyr of Grammer, and she floated down through the hoary sky with her arms outstretched and her face just a little bit tighter. The light was at her back and everyone fell to their knees to greet her. She walked through the house past the genuflected masses making crucifixes with her right hand and letting her followers kiss the ring on her left as she passed. Her acolyte, DeeDee, walked behind her swaying an incense burner back and forth and little puffs of smoke emitted from it spreading a scent that many recognized. It smelled of righteousness and success. It was the smell of burning money. "Hello," Camille said. "I am here for a party!"
Kyle brought a complaint to Camille, the problem with Lisa and Adrienne, and she held her hand palm up to Kyle. "My lamb, we have to lead by example. Look at how well we are getting along now that the demon Satan was exorcised from my body after Season 1. We will show them how it should be done." Yes, Camille hung around, but she was really there as a figure head, a dignitary of years past. The action panned by her, but she did not engage. She just ate more cake (she did not really eat cake) and emitted halos of light from her brilliant head. Oh, St. Camille, how we have missed your benediction.
Dana/Pam was also there, walking around going, "Look. $25,000!" like it was last season and we still cared. Good luck with that, Dana/Pam. Brandi showed up wearing heart-shaped glasses because she just saw Lolita and has a new role model. Kyle was being strangely nice to Brandi, but I like that. These girls need to warm up to Brandi. Taylor totally snubbed her and then walked around saying, "Guys. Yolanda told me that Brandi said she slept with every guy in Beverly Hills. Did you hear that Brandi said she slept with every guy in Beverly Hills? I have talked to every guy in Beverly Hills, and they have all slept with Brandi." God, Taylor, you are such a goon. Don't you even hear yourself when you say this? It is obviously a joke. You basically just posted an Onion article on your Facebook page and said, "Can you believe that Ben Affleck is going to set Argo in Boston? It's an outrage!"
Anyway, Brandi was really nervous about being there with all her haters but after chilling with St. Camille and her acolyte DeeDee, she thought she better leave before there was drama. She told Kyle she was going to leave and Kyle said, "No, stay. Please stay." Brandi said she would, but then dipped out the front door while no one was looking and texted, "Sorry, I can't deal with drama at a kid's party. BYYYEEEEE!" Like Lisa, Brandi is smart to try to avoid the drama, but unlike Lisa, she created more drama on her way out.
Eventually Adrienne, Queen of the Maloofs, arrived with her jester Paullo the Chimp on his lease. "Where is Lisa!" she demanded while throwing her gloves on the floor and kicking Paullo once in the shin, just for good measure. "She's not here. She had something to do at work," Kyle says. "Yeah right, Adrienne says. How immature! Why is she making such a huge issue out of this?" Um, excuse me, Adrienne. Who is the one making the huge issue? Who is the one sending flowers and demanding audiences and apologies and talking to everyone she knows about this? You! Lisa is just sitting at home quietly waiting for you to apologize because you said a shitty thing about her in front of a bunch of cameras and still haven't done anything to make it better. Kyle knows that Adrienne is wrong in this fight (I hope that everyone with a brain knows) but won't say anything. She needs to just break it down for her squirelfriend and tell her to get on the horn, apologize, and then move on. The only reason it is a deal at all is because Adrienne is making it one. God!
Finally Kim Richards stumbled into the party blowing air kisses at everyone. She wasn't stumbling for her usual reason (if you could see me right now I'm making that motion where you extend your thumb and pinkie from your hand and tip your thumb toward your mouth) but from exhaustion. Yes, she had to get a present for Portia on her way over to the house so she stopped by her favorite store, which happens to be a children's clothing store. She looked at all the pretty dresses and sparkled tops and little T-shirts with princesses embroidered on them and just remembered all the happier times. She remembered when she would pull all the clothes off the rack and litter the floor of her trailer with them and just roll around in all the costumes, all the beauty. She wanted to find something like that for Portia. One of those little girl dresses that make them immediately swing around so that the dress gets full of air and spins out of control as they feel a little bit dizzy and like they're going to fall over.
She picks one off the shelf and it is just the most darling thing she's ever seen. It's sparkley silver thread on black fabric and it has a white bow tying off the waist in the middle. It looks like something Holly Golightly would have her daughter wear. She takes it up to the counter and plops it down. The cashier rings it up and runs Kim's card and then gets on the phone. After some hushed mumbles she hangs up and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but do you have another card?"
"No, I don't. I just have the one. Isn't there enough on there? It's debit."
"Well the balance is $313. 74 cents and..."
"$313! You have got to be kidding me. I could buy 20 dresses at H&amp;M for that! I'm going to have to find something else. Give me all these dresses in the largest size you have."
"Ma'am are you sure? Are those going to fit?"
"Yes," Kim says and goes to the dressing room. This is always happening to her. She always wants to do her best and the world is just keeping it from happening. She puts her head in her hands and wants to cry but can't summon even the strength for that. She just lets her eyelids feel the inside of her lotioned palms.
"Here you go, ma'am." And hands her a huge pile of dresses.
Kim gets up and disrobes and squeezes into one of them. She's still small enough. Her hips barely curving, her legs stubbed, her body's development arrested in a sample size for a very large little girl. "Still got it," she says to the mirror before putting all the dresses on teh floor and lying down in them. She lies there for about 10 minutes, her head full of all those old memories, her skin itchy on top of all the fabric beneath her. There's a Target just down the block, she realizes. That is going to have to do. She picks herself up and puts back on her clothes – her adult clothes – and walks out. "Thanks," she says waving her right hand to the clerk as she walks toward the front door without stopping, "none of those were right."
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan
[Photo Credit: Bravo]
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