Monday, October 24, 2011

I Haven't Changed Much Have I?

Thinking about it, I guess I have. Besides the physical aspect over the years, shrinking in height, hair slowly going grey, hairline moving back some, athletic ability in decline, weight gain over the years, I hope I have made up for it with knowledge and intelligence and insight gathered up over time. To what degree, I don't know, but it is not for the lack of trying on my part.

But just like weight gain, getting wiser takes many years too. When you are younger you have the impatience and bravado of youth. Energy makes up for lack of experience but there is much time wasted because of a lack of direction.

Confidence is something to be grown. Some have it early, some later. I fall in the latter category. The life long search for what I am good at is an endless search for me. I have to keep learning.

Part of the self doubt comes from belief in the kind words people say to me, whether in my writings or my drawings. I wonder how someone whom I have never met can say the right things to me and people around me barely acknowledge the same. Maybe I come across as confident or cocky, but trust me, it is all an illusion on my part. Like an actor, you never know is that really me or a role I am playing.

Maybe age changes ones perspective. I am slow to anger, try to remain calm in a crisis, plan ahead for things that can go wrong, maintain some type of routine, try to find a comfort level with ones around me and most of all , keep my wry sense of humor intact. None of those things mentioned were ever found in my youth.

Most of all is to be loved. The most important aspect of life is sometimes lacking, but when it is there in some type of quantity, the warmth of the moment triumphs over all and brings the mountains back down to mole hulls.