Monday, October 25, 2010

Mushy Monday Meltdown

I’m not sure what’s more crippling …having to leave a sick child behind for a business trip or having to leave a happy, giggling, energetic one.

Last week, Baby was sick, and I left. This week, she’s happy and fun-loving, and I’m leaving again.

It’s hard. I can’t believe it’s still so difficult, even though I’ve been doing it, week after week after week. I can’t believe how debilitating it is despite the logical, rational voice in my head that constantly lists all of the reasons why this is a good thing.

I never quite expected it to be such an emotional roller coaster, such a constant emotional roller coaster. I literally have to talk myself into leaving every single week. I literally have the exact same conversation with my self every single week. And it doesn’t get easier. In fact, I think it might get harder.

In my head, I know that it probably just feels like it’s getting harder because I’m tired, worn out from being on the go for the last couple of months. In my head, I know all of this traveling will be over in just a couple of weeks. The end is in sight.

The problem is … logic apparently has no influence over a mother’s heart or guilt. None whatsoever. Rational thoughts? Nope, those don’t seem to work either.

All I can think about is that I’ll be missing out on 3 (yes, 3!) Halloween outfits I bought for her to wear this week. And that we’re going to have to squeeze in a trip to the pumpkin patch some time at the last minute, because I’m not here to do it sooner. And, all I really wanted to do this week, which happens to be my birthday week, is wake up every single day and hold my baby girl … which isn’t going to happen. Because I won’t be here.

It is going to be okay. I know that everything will be just fine. It will.

But right now it is a drizzly, humid, gray Monday morning, and I just needed a minute to wallow …

About

I’m Jenn. I’m a wife, mom, full-time sales rep, and part-time publisher. I have two little ones – Miss Mighty and The Boy. This blog is about my journey as a mom, raising these kids while also working full time in sales.