Are we tired of stabbing ourselves? What about the men who brought it?

When it became easier to give in

than repeating the no

getting clever

realizing the heaviness of sleep was setting in.

It’s just as much their fault and why are we afraid to say so?

They take us when we ask them not to,

they push and push and basically we all just

want to be left alone.

Left Alone.

That’s how it works.

They always leave and we always want to be left alone.

So my question to you, to me, to us,

is do we just give them what they want so we can be left alone?

Uncovering the covers

the morning after.

When the sun is up

And we’re supposed to laugh.

With our friends,

the next day,

it’s so funny,

how drunk.

It’s so funny so funny but it never was funny until we really owned it.

That we were in charge. That we were the queens. That we wanted it

on the couch,

the counter,

the car.

Or we didn’t want it at all.

The power play.

When we began to own it, real or not, aware or not,

the tables shifted and we knew.

The tall one grew taller and the short one filled out.

And the talks over breakfast involved no sun.

Uncomfortable Animals.

Like an animal he fucks me

and I like it.

Always.

Like the rawness and the badness until I don’t like it anymore.

Until the names actually hurt

and the fun and playfulness has turned black.

It’s the intensity

I like.

The intensity

I need.

To let off some

or all

of this built up steam.

It’s the aggression

I hate.

The aggression

I resent.

The roughness born

from your discomfort

in being a man.

Prose piece — Thinking to not think about it

Thinking about sex is something we never want to do as women. Maybe some do, I don’t. Talking about it, is really great. Having it, is a whole other story.

When we think about what we think about sex we can know more about ourselves and how we feel and our outlooks on the world.

As we toss and turn in our heads it make me wonder: do I do it because I want to, or because he wants me to?

What is an amount I can handle, put up with, and when do I say no?

And if it’s your boyfriend, the one you’ve chosen to be with, are you ever allowed to say no?

This is something I think about how I don’t want to think about.

I wonder why we feel we must be validated? Why a man’s approval and a man’s love is something we always search for. I wonder how and if that may come from my mother—who always had a man, who was lonely when she was single, who is at the same time power and aggression and loneliness and weakness. Did she feel it all? What made her lonely and has she finally learned that it’s never going be perfect? Pick what you will and the rest will follow.

Now as a woman, no longer a girl with the need to party and be seen, be out and be loud and be late and conquer a man at a bar by going home with him. It didn’t take me long to learn that the night you go home means you’ll never get him long term. Men respect women who respect themselves. Women respect men who respect themselves.

The man I am with now respects me, very much so. Does he respect himself, I wonder. Does he respect himself? That worries me, because if he doesn’t how can I stay? In a time an moment and everyday practice of trying to love and respect this body, after so many years of giving it away. Hating it in the mirror and then hoping from someone else to love it. And if the man now loves my body, I wonder how I will when he is gone. Because they always leave don’t they? I don’t want to believe it. I am afraid that I am going to lose him just so I may validate my own beliefs and fears—that he will leave and part of me will be happy so that I can “yep, they always leave don’t they.” That’s not true. This one won’t. Don’t push him away and for once in your life don’t try so hard to be right but instead celebrate the fact that you are wrong. That your beliefs are wrong. That this one you can “give” to, give away to.