Editors Jennifer Wright and Ashley Cardiff wanted to do a special Valentine’s Day edition of Fuck Marry Kill with Hugh Grant in Love Actually, Hugh Grant in Bridget Jones’ Diary, and Hugh Grant in Notting Hill… but they don’t really like any of those movies and would rather talk about other, better romantic leads like Alec Baldwin and E.T. Here goes!

Ashley: That is an absurdity. Hugh Grant plays Hugh Grant in all of these roles, with nearly imperceptible differences. We need to talk about them in detail because they are deceptive! At first blush, Bridget Jones‘ Hugh Grant is the least “doddering idiot” of the three, right?

Jennifer: In Love Actually he is the Prime Minister, who seems to instill a feeling of newfound patriotism in his DJ subjects. He also looks at a portrait of Maggie T at one point and refers to her as a “saucy minx”

Ashley: PERSONAL BIAS. YOU HAVE A PERSONAL BIAS

Jennifer: YES. YOU ARE CORRECT

Not Ian McKellen

Ashley: Look, Hugh Grant is unappealing as a romantic lead. Ideally, you kill all of them and you go off to fuck and marry real romantic leads, like John Hurt. Or E.T.

Jennifer: What I like about E.T. is the way he always phones home when he says he will.

Ashley: He’s reliable! And that’s what you want in a marriage. Reliability and finding bags of Reece’s Pieces all over the house. I think Hugh Grant in Notting Hill offers some of that but he suffers greatly by virtue of not being Alec Baldwin.

Jennifer: Wait – Alec Baldwin was in Notting Hill?

Ashley: Yeah! He’s Julia Roberts‘ boyfriend but he’s played as such an over-the-top asshole that you’re not supposed to resent her for eventually cheating on him.

Jennifer: So, marrying Jack Donaghy would be super great, right? Just witticisms and paintings of horses?

Ashley: I think this game has become impossible because you cannot choose among Baldwins.

Jennifer: Alec Baldwin also likes Words With Friends. Which is a REALLY hard game to put down. And he is constantly on TMC with Robert Osborne. I believe I just saw him introduce A Letter To Three Wives which is one of my favorite movies.

Ashley: Man, Fuck Marry Kill is impossible with all these great Baldwins.

Jennifer: I guess just fuck and marry all of them, huh? Can we actually stalk real life Alec Baldwin? Does he have a lady friend? Would he be moved by my tremendous affection for every single black and white movie? Just… all of them?

Ashley: Man, how do we mash together Glengarry Glen Ross Baldwin with his voice acting work in A Goofy Movie? That’d be ideal for me, I think.

"Did someone say... ideal?"

Jennifer: OH MY GOD GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS. Why have I never realized how much I want to date Alec Baldwin until this moment? All these years I’ve been blind. Devoid of little spectacles.