Monday, September 3, 2007

Life when you're a computer programmer sure is sweet. You get to stare at a lifeless computer screen for the majority of your working life, talk in a completely justifiable nasal voice, and understand those strangely unsettling jokes on the Internet referred to as 'nerd humour'.

Yep, the fun never stops for us code monkeys. There's just one thing that I'm yet to get a proper handle on: being able to to discuss my job in a social setting. Take the following as a rough example. The scene could be any bar where you have just recently been happened upon by a comely lass of questionable virtue. It happens a lot, trust me. Us programmers must give off some kind of musky scent that attracts 'da ladiez'. An 'odor de coder' if you will.

her: So, what do you do?you: I'm a uh... a computer programmer.her: ...you: Which has many additional benefits such as knowing the quick-key to bringing up your desktop.her: Do you know the quick-key for escaping without ever having to talk to you again?you: ...alt-e?

You see my predicament. Its not that I can't be thoroughly engaging, its just that I can't be engaging on any social, personal, emotional, or theoretical level. Like, big deal!

Recently I've decided that the best way to combat the problem is to engage in a little process I like to call 'complete dishonesty'. Originally I was just going to reinvent myself as a Harley Davidson riding bounty hunter called 'bruiser' who wears cutoff denims with the reckless abandon of someone who 'just doesn't give a crap about having warm arms', but lately I've come to the realisation that the whole thing will be so much easier if i just steal someone else's identity. It will give the ruse an air of realism, and has the added benefit of saving me countless hours in development time. Everyone gets ice cream!

So, thanks to Jared's Dad and a great story that he told us over daintily held scotches in the Soho district of London last night, I am now a courageous firefighter who used to work in the second response truck in the fire department of Hobart, Tasmania. Pretty cool, eh? Here's some background on my coolness:

One night while we were sitting around playing cards in the station, the alarm suddenly sounded: A fire had broken out during the renovations of the Theatre Royal. Being part of the second response truck, we arrived at the scene to see that things were slowly sliding out of control. The fire was being fought hard on the lower levels of the building by the first team, but it wasn't hard to see that the flames were climbing toward the roof at an alarming rate. The dense, hot air forming toward the top of the building needed to be cooled, and quickly.

Noticing that the outside of the building was covered in scaffolding due to the renovations, I immediately signaled to the rest of the team to get the hose ready for a roof-based position. It seemed an obvious choice at the time, I knew my way around these kind of structures from working odd jobs in construction over the last few years. Once I'd climbed to roof level, I threw down the retrieval rope and pulled up the hose as soon as it was safely secured. By this stage, the fire had vented through the roof and the air around me was a howling wind of sucking , super heated oxygen. Corrugated iron sheets were being torn off indiscriminately and thrown skyward by the thermal currents, coming precariously close to shearing me in two. Kneeling down, my eyes a blur from the chocking clouds of black smoke, I turned on the hose and pointed the flow of water down the flaming turret.

After 6 intense hours (that seemed like 1), we managed to save the Theatre. During the struggle, a opportunistic photographer from the local paper took some pictures of the 'hero on the roof' who managed to 'thwart the fire and single-handedly save the historic Theatre'. I'm sure the boys at the station would have been none too pleased had those photos ever come to light. To this day I still haven't seen them.

You know what, this is never going to work. I think I'll just stick to 'single handedly saving the database' from the evil grasps of the 'stored procedure bug'.

I could have used your hero skillz the other day when I tried to change blog templates to a freebie that deleted all my links and widgets. A fireman would have been useless then (other than to get my mind off my distress of course).

Jo: Sleezy... i LIKE it! I was also thinking I could say that I'm an engineer, and just neglect to mention that I do software rather than tall, architecturally important buildings. Is being an engineer highly on the hot stakes? I have no idea.

El: Windows-D for desktop honey. :) Yeh I noticed that your template was giving you some hassles, was it one of the ones that comes with Blogger or something you picked up somewhere else? Really like the new one tho, suits ya.

Mars, funny you should say that! Last week I attended a wedding in Scotland, and was stuck at a table where I didn't know anyone (except the deranged Welsh photographer that I'd met on the train 2 days prior, and I was trying to avoid his maniacal gaze as much as possible). We set about asking all the usual, boring questions.

Me: I'm a uh, a computer programmer.

Her: Ooo! That's a relief, because I'm a civil servant.

Guy overhearing us on the left: They must have lumped us together guys, because I'm an accountant!

Me: (pumping fist) Losers unite!

Jo, that is so depressing. Confound these women and their hightened social senses! I have to admit, I'm a sucker for a woman that works with kids (or works in a library, or has a beautiful smile, or remembers my name, or asks me to 'pass the salt').

I believe I am unhealthily intimidated by women in highly paid corporate roles, but I'm sure it's only an insecurity thing on my behalf.

Please don't stop the giggling thing. :)

HHH: WE HAVE A WINNER! Totally going to roll with 'I dismantle old cars with a rock, but my real love is stealing things.' Hilarious, and completely beguiling, I'm certain. Thanks my man.

But glad you like this one. I'd probably get sick of the other pretty quickly anyway.

Thanks for the tip too. Makes me feel quite the expert now. Never know when I'm going to urgently need to see my desktop of Randy de Puniet stripping off his riding leathers.

OK, at the moment it's a cheetah (and soon to be that lovely car pic you sent me). Just wishful thinking re last MotoGP race I viewed - so happy he crashed and suddenly felt a little warm. His work off the bike is much better than on. Heh. Am I sounding the rev-head lately or what?

I think i used the word Binary (cant even spell it) and you said that was in the ball park? The thing about your job is that really what you do is fucking amazing, I mean you know how shit works, I mean really works, I still dont really get how a fax works, or a phone, or the INTERNET, so I think when you tell people they need examples - like, you could say, you know when you buy something on the internet and somehow your account gets charged and you end up with some new cool thing arriving on your doorstop - well you know to get all that happening, I dont think that was a very good example and i am sure you could come up with a better one. come on you ARE a cyber Cowboy baby! anyway you could just not mention computers and talk about DjING, MTV and music stuff instead maybe drop in oh and i know how to program a computer too! Genius. love susie x

Hmm, don't stress too much Davey. I work in 'administration' (hence my hatred of Cardigans) and Love Chunks is a meteorologist. He has actually said he's a 'public servant' at parties to avoid being shoved into a corner and forced to explain el Nino or why someone's daughters' wedding was rained out when the forecast had been for fine weather.....

I must say, my worst job (thankfully just a vacation one) was a cucumber polisher - thank god I was too young to have to demonstrate THAT skills to blokes in bars!

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Inbox Heists

Foodstinct is where brain meets braun - a foodie's guide on how to freestyle in the kitchen.

Passed out Guy, joining the ranks of moshzilla in the giffing hall of fame and easily the funniest thing I've read in months.

London street art gets even more inventive, with the appearance of the Decapitator. Old St, Shoreditch High Street.

Old codgers finally get a taste of the social networking action with the retiree aimed release of PensionBook.

Shasta Rae? Stryder Denver? Chastity, Blaize, Flower? Get the low down on whether those 'unique' baby names of yours are merely latent cruelty tactics in Baby's named a bad bad thing.

You know how you're always going on about wanting to
name a whale? Well bug me no more, as Greenpeace get all anthropomorphic on yo' ass. Before you vote, have a guess which name has already cornered 63% of the vote.

Batleb and Robin eat kebabs and battle the forces of evil as only they know how. Fancy someone having a crack at done-to-death wog humour and actually being funny.

Word of mouth is travelling fast about a new restaurant in London, and is quickly getting a reputation… for being awful: Devo. Definitely my next date location.

'Strap in, shut up, and hold on' recommends Johnny Virgil on his blog before unleashing the force - a flashback to a
JC Pennys Catalog from 1977. If this hasn't reached your inbox yet, your friends are working too much.

Cleverly invented super heroes of dubious repute duke it out in The
Superest.

Ever longed to see to lounges gettin' it on? Me neither, which is why this site is so confusing, and
prompted Will to pen this.

Pretending to Read

Hyperion (Dan Simmons) 30 Jan - As Johnny hastily defends, Hyperion is not Sci Fi - it's fashionably challenged literature. I had a rather embarrassing incident trying to explain it's premise to a rather cute med student who was 'lancing' my infected finger. In essence I came across as a science fiction nerd who does unclean things with his digits. Ah charm, I knew thee well. Anyway the book is good. If you can handle not impressing med students.

Love in the Time of Cholera (Gabriel Garcia Marquez) 25 Dec - As Eleanor observed, the characters Marquez paints seem realer than reality. Elegant, magical insight, if a little distant and hard to lose yourself in. Now eager to attempt 100 Years of Solitude.

The Power of One (Bryce Courtney)28 Oct - Felt I needed to re-read one of my favourite books of all time. What hurt this time around is that Hymie annoyed me. May need to read Tandia now to get the feeling back.

Carter Beats the Devil (Glen David Gold)30 Sep - Quit. Accidentally read a review and realised I was reading what amounted to shit.

Such a Long Journey (Rohinton Mistry)
20 Oct - I preferred this one to 'A fine balance'. Brilliantly written and paced, he's an author that has taught me so much Indian culture, history, and family life.

31 Songs (Nick Horby)
5 Oct - One of my favourite authors. If you don't find some new music while reading this, then you're obviously listening to Brittany.

Me Talk Pretty One Day (David Sedaris)
30 Sept - Flew through this. A great read from a great writer. Had me laughing loudly in the train and embarrassing myself. A birthday gift from May, who I thank for introducing me to Sedaris.

The Pleasure of Finding Things Out (Richard P. Feynman)
15 Sept - Great. Feynman, despite being involved with the Manhattan Project, still comes across as being playful and wise. A Recommendation from my dear friend Frances, who I met in Edinburgh.

How to Get Rich (Felix Dennis)
06 Sept - Don't ask what I was thinking at the time, but actually a really really good read. Dennis is a poet, and he knows it.