IVF #2: Feeling dejected

Or: Trying my best not to be sad and bitter

Our appointment for IVF #2 finally came around today. It’s been a while coming, as our timelines for IVF #1 were: Started in April 2015… Pregnancy and miscarriage in July 2015… Fibroid identified in July 2015… Fibroid removed in October 2015. (I got it done privately – if I had waited for the NHS referral I would probably still be waiting.)

So it’s now December and I figured we would be starting again over Christmas. It was going to be a bit earlier but our appointment was put back by a few weeks as they had no doctors in that week apparently. I understand – it’s the NHS; beggars can’t be choosers.

And yet I think I had more hope until today.

Today we went and were told that they recommended we start again on the same protocol. They said that they got 12 eggs last time (even though we only ended up with one embryo) and they fertilised 6 (even though we only ended up with one embryo) and apparently a 50% fertilisation rate is within the recommended level – it has to be below 40% for them to recommend ICSI (even though we only ended up with… You get the picture).

I wasn’t rooting for ICSI or anything. I guess I was just hoping that they might have a bit more of a reason for doing stuff differently, to give me hope for a different outcome.

Not only this but I was told to wait for my period (due in 2 weeks, yay) and then go and get the blood tests done which you’re meant to have on day 2-4, and also to get the scan done to check everything’s fine with the uterus. So I have that scan scheduled for next week. I’ll probably have my period. They said not to worry, that they can actually see stuff better. (Yuck.)

And then here’s the big one: Once those things are done, I email them and they’ll put us back on the waiting list.

The what?

Oh yeah, there’s a waiting list of FOUR MONTHS. That is entirely different to last time which was a pretty much immediate start. I was picturing having to do all the not drinking and having horrible injections over Christmas and New Year. At least I get to do the celebrating… right?

Wrong. I don’t feel like celebrating at all. I just feel like… I’m a year older. A year closer to 40. A year further along from having these problems… Now it’s 16+ and I still haven’t even got close to a sustainable pregnancy. It will be APRIL by the time we might start IVF #2. I’ll be old, and still infertile, and it will be a year since we started IVF #1. I still don’t feel any sense of reassurance that they’ve identified any reason why I’ve never had a successful pregnancy – or why I’ve never gotten pregnant naturally over 15 – 16! – years.

I’m past the age where my ovaries are meant to have shrivelled up. I’m at that age where they just kind of go, well maybe some women aren’t meant to have children. Maybe you should “just adopt”. (I don’t want to adopt… If you want to know the justifications then click on Adoption for my posts on the subject… Adoption is great for many people… I was adopted… I’m happy… but I DON’T WANT TO ADOPT. Okay.)

Everyone is pregnant. Everyone. I’m actually not even that bothered by it any more – I’m used to being the one who isn’t pregnant, who isn’t a mother. It runs in the [non-biological] family, ironically enough.

If I sound bitter, I don’t mean to be. I’m just tired. Tired of always being Other. I’m not white, I’m not biological, I’m not a man in my work world of men, and I’m not even capable of doing the things that women do without even thinking about it. Every day there’s another grinning mum-to-be on my timeline, and don’t get me started on the cutesy US-style pregnancy announcements and gender reveals that have started popping up. Send me one of those and I vapourise unfollow you!

I suffer horrendous bloody painful periods every few weeks and they’re for nothing. It’s like an insult. I feel like: If I can’t ever have children then please can I have a hysterectomy because it’s not fair I have to suffer this every month for nothing.

Maybe I have PMS. (I shouldn’t do as it’s not for another two weeks!) Maybe it’s just that time of year and I have SAD. Maybe I’m tired of being the cheery one all the time. I’m tired of always being the one who’s trying to make things happier for other people. I’m tired of being the aunt.

I think T realised I wasn’t too happy with the “Do the blood tests in two weeks and then we’ll stick you on our four month waiting list” spiel but we both had to go back to work. We did discuss briefly how long it will take. He thinks if this one doesn’t work then we should try and get a private cycle in before our third and final NHS go. I don’t know if that’s possible. I think if you go private then you forego your NHS goes, but it just seems crazy to have to wait a year between tries. By the time I use them all up I’ll probably be over 40 and that limits your options.

Thing is, I’m lucky and that means I’m generally happy. Not because I’m an “adoptee” (adoptee swearword), not because I’ve had a privileged life, but generally – I’ve done okay. I’ve come through the most horrendous work situation and out the other side… I don’t love it, but I can cope and I get compensated for coping. I have enough money that I’m not worrying about it, because I concentrated on paying off debts this year so for the first time (in foreeever!) I have a bit to spare. And I have enough that I can enjoy spending it on other people. I’ve kind of gone a bit mental lately. I feel like I almost have too much… That I had all this extra I haven’t spent because we were going to have a little one, and now we don’t – I might as well spend it on other people.

And other people have it much worse. They really do. I know that doesn’t discount my own suffering – everyone has their own stuff – but I remind myself of it because I want to remember that I have a lot. I have almost everything I want – I mean, I have everything, apart from a child.

So I decided I would try to be a fairy godmother, where I could. (When I posted about this earlier, I was told that “It’s not the same as being a mother”… Believe me I get this – there is really no need to remind me. So in the interests of non-ambiguous nomenclature I will say I’ve taken up a habit of Random Acts of Kindness.) Having some spare cash makes it easier, when you have a busy life and are at work as much as I am, but it doesn’t have to be with cash – it just so happens that my lack of needing to buy any baby related stuff what with my baby not making it to term means I have some spare.

It’s kind of fun being a fairy godmother doing random acts of kindness / spending money on other people / spontaneous unexpected giving.

One of my friends was diagnosed with terminal cancer earlier this year. It was such a shock. Two small kids. We all rallied around and donated to a GoFundMe she set up to try and do something for her kids when she was gone. Miraculously, she’s in the 1% or whatever of people who seem to respond to treatment. She’s not out of the woods yet but everything looks so much better. She always loved horses so I sent her an advent calendar with Playmobil stables in. She said it was brilliant – I think it’s good to embrace the child within! And she has kids who will help!

Another friend has recently gone back to college. She has three kids and had a difficult time with money over the past year. I admire the fact that someone can be so determined to get funding and do that, with all the childcare and other demands on time. I messaged her this morning and asked if I could send them some money for Christmas. She was really shocked and said they weren’t “deserving” or “poor enough”. I said it wasn’t about deserving… I’d like her kids to be able to have something nice from Santa – something extra without worrying about the money. It sounds dumb (and maybe patronising – I don’t mean it to) but it’s not that much money to me but enough to make a difference for them.

My honourary little sister has been really ill lately and probably has to have another very serious operation. I took her out for a special birthday treat in London, and it was really fun to design an itinerary and send it to her and organise lots of fun stuff and pay for it. It seems extravagant but I feel like – I don’t have any other kids to spend it on. I can be like my fairy godmother was to me. Just the fun of making someone feel special. I want her always to feel that she can depend on me. And the same for my real “dishonourary”(!) sister – she has had a horrible time with almost the same results as me (miscarriage after IVF) and I have tried to send her lots of things in the post to tell her I’m thinking of her. I know we’ll talk when she wants to – I didn’t want to for ages. I only feel like I can talk about it a little bit now, and it happened back in July, almost 4 months ago.

There is a boy with autism on a Disney forum I’m on (via his mum, who posts the updates about him), and he’s almost grown up and yet he’ll never grow up because he has severe developmental delays. His mum can’t afford to take him every year so they have to wait until 2017 to go again – but he absolutely loves Disney. In the meantime, someone suggested sending him postcards when they went to Disney, and so people have been doing that, and I did it when we went. And then I thought: I now have his address… So when his mum posted that he had a crush on Frozen, I sent him some toys from Frozen. She always posts the videos of him saying thanks. It kind of melts your heart.

All of these things are small expenses for me but they mean something to other people. I try and do things with my time too, and not just money… I bake cakes for people. I try and make crafty things now and again. In a non religious way, I guess I sort of see it as tithing… I think that I’ve been fortunate so I should try and pass some of that on. Especially for kids… I don’t have children of my own and I might never do. So maybe this is the closest I’ll get to indulging my own kids. I think the best RAoK are the unexpected ones, and especially if it’s something the heart desires but can’t afford.

This is my way of dealing with it, I guess. “It” being infertility, having an excess of love that needs to be expressed in some way. (Poor T and Dog can’t take it all! They’d suffocate!) It feels silly really to be upset about these things when other people have far worse problems.

I’ll be like the mad old auntie who buys insanely indulgent gifts. (I’ve bought the nephew a giant stuffed elephant because he wanted a real one for Christmas – it’s not exactly life size, but it is as big as he is.) I’ll be the friend who gives extravagantly. I want my friends to know how much I love them… I want to bring a bit of joy, however fleeting to people’s lives. I know there are probably deep seated reasons why I do this. But right now it’s the only thing that’s getting me through.

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40 comments

Oh I am so sorry. It is all so very unfair. I think the waiting, the in-between, the what if is the worst part of this nightmare and to have it extended and not be given additional protocol changes or a new cause for hope sounds so awful. You are obviously a loving person and will make the most beautiful mother. After reading this I have an opinion that is only that, my opinion or suggestion. Perhaps you should think about switching to private. I understand the money component (80k+ in debt) but the ability to demand quick and excellent treatment is worth so much. If you can afford it and if the care is so much better it is worth looking at. Once again- just my opinion. Thinking about you and sending you my support.

Thank you so much. I have been thinking about it. And T mentioned it yesterday. I think before about now (really the last few months), before I paid down all my debts I didn’t have much spare cash. Also the project from hell meant I didn’t spend anything for about five months as I was working all the time! So that meant I saved some money. Before then we didn’t have any to spare so it wasn’t really an option. It is now… I think I could save £5k pretty quickly. I think we thought it would jeopardise our “free” treatments which seemed counterintuitive, but you’re right, it would mean a lot not to be using an already overstretched system (and be treated like an individual and a customer).

Thanks for the support and for always being so nice! Sometimes I think I’m just destined to be the aunt, which seems so sad all of a sudden. I guess I’m just feeling sorry for myself right now!

Sorry for the double comment but I had another thought. If you don’t go private maybe you can set up a plan to make it feel like you are moving forward. Anew supplement and fertility friendly diet that you start. Acupuncture, etc. That way you don’t feel stagnant or like you have no control. Hugs to you.

You can always double comment! I’m happy to see you show up! 🙂
That’s a good idea… I have been thinking of acupuncture. And we were taking the vitamins. I’m not sure I can really go on a diet as comfort eating is all that’s keeping me going right now! Haha! And Christmas! But maybe in January. 🙂

I’m so sorry to read this, I really feel how frustrated you are and know exactly what you mean about the NHS, waiting times, blah blah blah.

I’d like to echo the comment from the lady above me – maybe it’s worth using some of your spare money to investigate private options. Yes, it costs a fortune, but if ultimately that’s all you want, it might make you feel better to spend it on that than on other people. That’s how my husband and I looked at it when we decided to go private. We’d done on all the flashy holidays, big gifts etc and just thought ‘sod it, let’s just spend our money on the only thing that will make us happy’.

Even if you don’t pay for the IVF privately, it might be worth finding another specialist to at least discuss your history so far, so they can see if there’s anything that can be done differently/in addition to the IVF. And you’ll feel better prepared and more informed than just doing the same thing again with the next round of IVF.

Thanks. I don’t think I quite grasped that you went private. I’ll have to mail you for your recommendations! We discussed it all briefly yesterday but I was kind of in shock so haven’t really followed through. And it’s Christmas party season now so we won’t have much time for a proper discussion till the weekend probably! I do think it’s probably worth looking into, cost wise, as I think I could probably pay for it over the next few months. You’re right – would make me feel less impotent.
I hope that you are feeling well! Xx

Ack, I am so sorry! The waiting is, by far, the worst part about infertility. It is HORRID. And there are always unexpected waits. Without fail. It just drives home the point that we have no control over any of this, not even the timing of our medical procedures. And for the record, it pisses me off that they’re not doing ICSI! Ugh, WTF. Yeah, 50% is fine, but you’d probably have better with ICSI.

I like ideas from some of the ladies above — I don’t think getting a private consult is a bad idea, even if you don’t end up going with them. And maybe since you have a long wait you can get some immune testing. I know you’re worried about losing the NHS, but since immune testing is technically under immunology (at least that’s how Dr. Braverman codes it) and not infertility, I think you’d be in the clear. That way, at least you’d know you’d have definitive answers before starting another cycle. I don’t know, please feel free to ignore my completely unsolicited advice, I’m just trying to think of some ways to help you feel like you have your control back. That always helped me if I felt like I had a plan during the waits. Xo.

Ah, well I wasn’t wedded to the idea of ICSI or anything. Intuitively it doesn’t sound as likely to be successful but I don’t know. All I felt was that no suggested changes meant they weren’t really thinking of me as an individual and just sending me on the same regime without having learned anything. I actually asked if we would up the Gonal F as we had to keep doing it for longer and I was a slow responder, and the doctor said “maybe we will start on a higher dose”. It just made me feel like they hadn’t looked at my file until just then – which was quite possible!
I think it’s a good idea to think about getting some other tests done – I’ll have to do some research on London clinics. X

Everyone who has commented has started with “I’m so sorry”. So I can’t say the same thing again, even though I do feel for you. Truly. You know I am not one to give (well meaning) advice either. So I will say this: you wrote about a lot of things you are not. I will tell you a few things you ARE. You are one out of a total of two people I feel I have made a connection with in eleven months of blogging. I think it is because I sense how strong your life spirit is. Your cakes, your thoughtful presents, your love of Disney, your great writing, your honesty . . . – it is all endearing. You aren’t the Other – you are the type of person that everyone with brains and a heart wants as a friend.

Waiting List. How f**ked up is that!! Well I’m with ya on the wait, we did our first donor egg IVF transfer in October which did not work and I was supposed to do the second try this month but because my period hasn’t come in 45 days (and they didn’t put me on the pill like they said in retrospect they should have to make that a non-issue), I now missed their window and have to wait until February to restart. Ugh.

BTW we are simultaneously in the international adoption process for a little girl in Ethiopia, but the “just” in adopt is such a poor word choice that many make, as it’s not an easy process. We’ve spent $17K on DEIVF and $17K on adoption, and while we were madly in love with Ethiopia, we hated that we only have a couple choices in countries because most discriminate on anyone older than 40-45 (I’m 41, my husband is 48), plus of course it’s like being pregnant but without knowing when you’re due. We started the process in May and if we’re LUCKY by the end of 2016 we’ll get a referral, but it could be 2017. Oy! (btw we always wanted to adopt as well so it wasn’t a decision we made because of my infertility, which I think made it easier on the decision to go forward with both).

The infertility thing is a real bitch to deal with. Last month my husband and I decided we’re back to drinking wine. No more worries about fertility foods and all that mumbo jumbo, it’s too damn hard the other way. I was so wound up all damn year, and while I go back and forth between optimism and deep dark sad places, I’m going to be a Gladiator, a la Olivia Pope from Scandal 🙂 Here’s sending Gladiator vibes your way!!

Lame. As in, totally lame that you are on a four month waiting list. As an american looking in on your system, I see the pros and cons of a national health system. This, my friend, is the con. (Though if it makes you feel better, I had to wait three months to see my RE specialist. After having waited 3 months to see a previous specialist. So there are no winners.)

ANYWAY… I like the idea of random acts of kindness. It gives you a way to channel the energy and anxiety you’re having into something that creates tangible joy. In fact, I’m trying to do more of this myself. You don’t have to spend a whole lot of money (or any at all) to make someone feel tremendous. Keep up the good work!

This just makes me sad…and, at the same time, really proud of your strong spirit. It’s sad to me that so many of us have found each other because we’ve spent lots of precious resources to bring home kids that seem to never be coming home. We have ups and downs and more downs and just hope for the ups. It’s sad because I don’t want one more person, especially you, feeling devastation from these frustrating and unfair circumstances. But, there is also this overwhelming spirit you have that we all feel. You exude this graciousness, confidence, and charming kindness. You want the best for others. You try not to take more than your fair share. You are the kind of person that we all want as a mom and as a friend. I believe you will get the chance to be the best mom one day, sooner than later. I am glad you have looked into your options and have some decisions to make. Meanwhile, you are just sprinkling fairy dust on all of those in your wake – and there is just nothing sad about that! Hugs and kisses. 🙂

Ah, that’s nice of you to say. I think I’m just feeling a bit sorry for myself right now! But it’s good to get advice from people on here. I do feel a bit more ready to start looking at private options, even if it’s just some diagnostics. I can’t believe that it’s just “unexplained” – I’m one of those people that thinks there’s a reason for everything! 🙂

WTF! Seriously I am so upset for you, I was not expecting to hear that. another 4 months after all of this, it’s not fair, and to think that if you hadn’t dealt with the fibroid yourself privately you would be waiting even longer.
I’ve read some research about ICSI reducing healthcare costs overall, so I find it silly their policy doesn’t yet reflect this 😦
I am truly sorry you have even more of a wait.

You are a wonderful fairy godmother, I think that philanthropy and gift giving, no matter how small or big, is a great way to feed the soul. I hope that good karma finds it way back to you soon, you deserve it 🙂

Thank you! I know, it just feels like such a long wait when you add it onto the four months we’ve already waited. And I feel mad that I didn’t get on the list beforehand when I could have (as I spoke to the guy on the phone and asked if I should wait for the fibroid to be fixed and he said yes, but didn’t sound too sure). All it was yesterday was a chat so it made no difference whatsoever whether the fibroid had been fixed or not.
I am honestly not bothered about ICSI as I think it’s maybe less healthy in a way (intuitively I feel like you do that if you have problems with the sperm, which we don’t – it doesn’t improve egg quality). I just felt like they didn’t have any lessons learned from the last one and that to me it seemed to be an egg quality thing (as we only got one embryo making it to day 5 and none to freeze, out of 12 eggs collected). I feel like to follow the exact same protocol suggests that there’s a low chance of success. Maybe I would feel more able to be “pushy” or whatever if I was paying. Like I did get her to admit that maybe they’d start me on a higher dose of Gonal F as I was a slow responder, but that was only when I asked. I feel like they’re under resourced and they do their best, but that will only benefit people who have minor problems and not (presumably) major problems (as in 16 years of not getting pregnant). The scientist in me thinks there must be a cause that needs to be addressed!

Rant as much as you like!!!!
The funny thing is that they said that we would learn a lot more about my unexplainedness from the IVF….but actually it has just muddied the waters and we are not any the wiser :-s So I TOTALLY get your frustrations 😐

Giant UGH!!! I’m so sorry you have to wait. But being a fairy godmother will help I’m sure. It’s a wonderful idea. Sending you loads of love. I know 4 months seems like a lifetime but it’ll be here before you know it.

My god, this took me back to our failed FET that was technically a miscarriage but was just an empty sac. “Empty sac” to me meant, “move on immediately,” but to the one RE, it meant, “wait three months.” When he said that, I burst into tears and knew that moment that another calendar year would turn before I could possibly give birth. I cried and cried and cried some more. Then my RE said I just had to wait for my period and we’d be good to go, or get a DNC. I went with the DNC to move it along, and it only bought me a month. BUT – hearing about the wait, the time you can’t do a damned thing. The time you don’t even have something to look forward to because you have no idea when “it” is going to happen. That is the worst. You are in the worst of it right now, in my opinion. This is a VERY hard time, waiting for something but not knowing when that something may happen.

I am sending hugs and love. I’m so sorry that things didn’t go as you thought they would (and I was thinking like you too). I’m sorry that you have to keep waiting just to wait some more. I feel you, lady. I really, really do.

Ah thanks. I do think of you a lot and it gives me hope as it worked for you! I feel hopeful it will work for us like it worked for you! Maybe next time. I mean it would be good timing wise if we could start in January which was what I was hoping… February would be fine too. April seems SO long away! I think I’m going to look up private clinics.

Oh I’m so disappointed for you! That’s infuriating! In the world of infertility, 4 months is an eternity! But I love your idea about random acts of kindness- you really have an amazing ability to find the silver lining.

Wow, this SUCKS. I know you were expecting to be in the midst of another cycle by the end of the year. We were delayed a while longer than we thought we’d be last year, but nothing like this. It is SO hard to have gotten yourself in a certain headspace and then suddenly have to adjust. I’m so frustrated on your behalf and I absolutely hate that you feel like your back is against the wall here. IVF is not just physically grueling, it’s emotionally and psychologically grueling as well. I don’t think anyone gives us the credit we truly deserve for getting through it.

I already know that you will respond with something cheery, but that is not necessary. You are welcome to be a little bit Eeyore-ish over this if you want to!

Haha! Yes it is definitely a bit of an Eeyore moment for me. I guess it’s just a bit of a blow to think we are properly into next year before we start again. It is so gruelling – you’re right. I think all the waiting and hoping and the feeling not-quite-yourself as well. Of course it’s worth it in the end if you have a kid, but if you don’t have one then it seems like an awful lot to go through without any reward at the end. And yes, I think we need credit! Some sort of medal! 🙂

I had tears in my eyes reading this today. First, as you have been a fairy godmother to me and our future child I for one can say, I will never forget your act of kindness. And your ongoing acts of kindness and love and support. Seriously, you are one of the brightest souls I have come across in my life.
And that is always what brings tears to my eyes. You are one of the most amazing people int he world and yet here you are suffering through delays, uncertainty and heartbreak. More then anyone deserves, but especially you. I hate that you have to wait again just to start another IVF process. I hate that you’ve gone through loss. I hate that you are watching family members grow their family while you are sitting on the side lines. I just really hate you don’t have hope right now. I am just so sorry. Sending you love my friend, and wishing I could do more then just send love.
As an aside, please don’t ever apologize for not adopting. That your CHOICE and it’s the right choice for you and T. There is nothing to apologize for. Ever.

There is a website http://routestoparenthood.us8.list-manage.com/track/click?u=cba12863a23a8da4b9ab9e87d&id=a3dab59d17&e=ee11b450bd
I went to a convention at Old Trafford this year and they had loads of local private clinics and fertility specialists there. The Manchester Fertility Clinic were thereally, when I spoke to them they said that you can actually transfer your NHS funding to private treatment. She said something about a form that you fill in and you pay £60 to release your NHS treatment file. It’s something that I’m contemplating before round 3 as Manchester’s stats are not good compared to the local private clinic where the percentages are almost double. Might be worth enquiring about.

Sorry to hear about the delay, waiting is always hard and in a way, you’ve waited 16 years! It’s unfair.. I can also relate to your frustrations with the NHS, as I had my IVF cycles in the public system too. In my first cycle, I ovulated naturally before they could retrieve the eggs, then on the second cycle they recommended the exactly same procedure (drugs, doses, etc), no change! I was freaking out, thinking how can they expect a different outcome? But somehow it worked on the second try. I guess doctors don’t understand everything as well as we wish they would.
I think seeing a private doctor, even for only a second opinion, would be valuable. Could give you some ideas how to steer the NHS doctors a bit, maybe.

I’m so sorry to hear about the waiting. It’s the worst part of all of this. Waiting for health care to be provided in a timely manner for any condition is frustrating. It makes it worse that the system sees infertility as an non-critical problem, thus it’s hard to be seen in a timely manner. I hope that the wait isn’t as long as they say. Grrrrr…

Sending you a virtual hug – it’s ok to feel down in the dumps about this. I would too. Maybe you can use this time to start chugging CoQ10 and/or DHEA (both helped my paltry follicle count), check for ‘hidden C’ and other nasties (I can give you the info) and do a free private consult with another clinic. I am the master of killing IVF time, happy to pass on some links by email if you like. In the meantime I’ll keep my fingers crossed that you get bumped up the list a bit. Shite news.