The system says you're offline; I'll wait to see if you come back online. If not, we'll revert to the question/answer format and continue that way, okay?

Dr. Mark :

Hi, I see you're in the chat now. That's great.

Customer:

my husband is not very open about things and also has a health problem

Dr. Mark :

Is the health problem affecting the marriage

Dr. Mark :

in a negative way?

Customer:

yes he has erectile dysfunction and has been to the doctor about this quite a while ago they really cant do much

Dr. Mark :

I see.

Customer:

he can lose weight which would help but he wont do anything about it

Dr. Mark :

Is the sexual issue the main stress between the two of you, or are there other issues we will be discussing?

Customer:

the other issue is work he has a stressful job

Dr. Mark :

Yes, this can be very difficult on a marriage.

Customer:

he has lied to me a couple of days ago when i found the information on the computer and says he doesnt care and

Customer:

doesnt want to talk about it

Dr. Mark :

What information is that?

Customer:

when i found he was talking to women through skyping and chat rooms

Customer:

this has been going on and off for 3 years

Dr. Mark :

I see. So, there are three problems so far: ED, his stress, and he's talking to other women.

Customer:

yes thats right

Dr. Mark :

Are there other problems as well?

Customer:

communcation

Dr. Mark :

I was hoping you would get to that word!

Customer:

he wont open up

Dr. Mark :

This is so important because it's the underlying problem.

Dr. Mark :

And it's gotten really severe, it sounds like.

Customer:

3 years ago he got me to go on the chat room and i did it worked for a while but i got jealous when he was talking to other women and also watching perform with no clothes on

Customer:

I think he is addicted now

Dr. Mark :

These problems you are describing are no longer self help type of problems. Would he be willing to go to couples therapy with you and to see a sex therapist, perhaps?

Customer:

no he wont go have already asked him

Dr. Mark :

This must be very frustrating for you:

Dr. Mark :

he is the one who is hurting the marriage but he won't do anything

Dr. Mark :

to make things better, right?

Customer:

yes i feel like walking out we also have 2 girls 19 and 17

Dr. Mark :

Have you told him that you are this upset that you feel like leaving?

Dr. Mark :

And would it make him consider getting help?

Customer:

i have told in a way i am going to go if dont stop doing that stuff on the computer but then he gets angry and he says ok i wont do it again but later goes back on it

Dr. Mark :

Okay. So we are not confident about his commitment.

Customer:

I have given him that many chances

Customer:

I dont think he is going to tell me the truth the trust in our marriage is going

Dr. Mark :

I'm so sorry you're having to face this problem.

Customer:

I dont trust him on the computer anymore

Dr. Mark :

I know from my work with couples in therapy how hurtful this is and

Dr. Mark :

how it is a betrayal.

Dr. Mark :

He doesn't realize this

Dr. Mark :

and I also know that men who have ED

Dr. Mark :

are so traumatized by it

Dr. Mark :

that they can become like emotional clams:

Dr. Mark :

they can't any longer be close with a real human being very well.

Customer:

yes i know I really love and dont want to leave him but cant go on being unhappy

Dr. Mark :

And they are often susceptible to this type of impersonal sexual expression

Customer:

it starting to affect my health

Dr. Mark :

You're typing so I'll wait...

Dr. Mark :

I can imagine it is having an affect on your health!

Dr. Mark :

I'm working with one couple right now and the wife has multiple

Dr. Mark :

health issues all stemming from the stress

Dr. Mark :

of the marriage and her heartache.

Dr. Mark :

Do you think

Dr. Mark :

that he would be willing to read our discussion here?

Customer:

yes maybe

Dr. Mark :

Let me tell you what I'm thinking, okay?

Customer:

ok

Dr. Mark :

Often, if a man hears it "like it is" from another man who

Dr. Mark :

is experienced in working with couples, it can get him to come out of

Dr. Mark :

his shell a bit. Can I write to him for a second?

Customer:

he is at work

Customer:

i can pass it on later

Dr. Mark :

Okay. I'll write this to him now:

Dr. Mark :

Hi. You've already read most of what I would like to tell you and share with you.

Dr. Mark :

I want to first tell you that ED doesn't make you less of a man in your wife's eyes and heart.

Dr. Mark :

ED makes you less of a man in your own eyes and heart.

Dr. Mark :

It's the fact that you pull farther away from her that makes you less in her eyes and heart.

Dr. Mark :

It not only hurts so badly, it confuses wives.

Dr. Mark :

I work with couples in my office and via Skype continually.

Customer:

ok

Dr. Mark :

And it is so sad, because ED is the problem, men think.

Dr. Mark :

Can I keep writing to him?

Customer:

yes

Dr. Mark :

Good.

Dr. Mark :

So, I want you to know: ED makes most guys look for "visual" sex.

Dr. Mark :

There's a psychological hope that newness, something fresh, will solve the problem.

Dr. Mark :

And so the guys pull away from intimacy.

Dr. Mark :

But there are solutions to ED. If you want, you can ask me another

Customer:

yes

Dr. Mark :

question and I'll share some of the techniques available.

Dr. Mark :

More importantly, the first solution is to become more intimate with your wife,

Dr. Mark :

not less!

Dr. Mark :

Shore up your marriage, don't weaken it.

Dr. Mark :

Now, you've read how deeply hurt and confused your wife is.

Dr. Mark :

You've got to start communicating to make your future great..

Dr. Mark :

There's no shame in going to a couples counselor.

Here is an online therapist finder for Australia that I like because you can see a picture of the person and read about them a bit. So put in for the therapist either psychologist or a psychotherapist and psychodynamic for the technique.

good for you. So have him read this and give it a try as a way to open up some more open communication with him.

Okay, I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Customer:

Thanks

Dr. Mark :

You are so welcome. If you could give a positive rating before you leave, I'd be grateful. All the best to you.

Dr. Mark :

The system says you're still in the chat. Do we need to continue?

Customer:

how do i save this page

Dr. Mark :

There are two ways:

Dr. Mark :

one is that you can either copy and paste the entire chat into a Word document,

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Kate McCoy

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Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues

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