Thursday, November 1, 2012

Opposite Day

I have 2 children by birth and 2 by adoption. When I was pregnant and when our daughters were babies, I did field some insensitive questions.

"How much weight did you gain?"

"Where you trying to get pregnant?"

There were more, but you get the idea.

The questions that I get asked as an adoptive parent make those pregnancy questions feel pretty tame. On top of that, the adoption questions are not subject to the same time limitations as the pregnancy and baby questions. I mean, once you are no longer pregnant and your kids are out of the baby stage, curiosity about your experiences in forming your family is pretty much nil. The same cannot be said about adoption, particularly if your family is transracial.

I was imagining an opposite day of sorts, where parents who have biological children are subjected to a similar level of insensitive (and completely absurd and inappropriate) questions that adoptive parents field on a regular basis. What if curious people felt comfortable asking whatever questions came to mind. What if adoptive parents talked to parents of biological children with out regard for boundaries? As if giving birth was not common. Would it look like this?*

"Did you have to have a lot of sex to get that baby? Gosh, I admire you for doing that!"

"Could you not adopt? Do you have a criminal record or something?"

"Do they have the same dad?"

"Pregnant? Now, what would make you do that, while there are so many kids who need families?"

"You had biological kids? Well, good for you! I could never love a child that wasn't adopted. What an amazing person you are."

"I always wanted to have biological kids but, you know, what if they weren't normal? I couldn't deal with that."

"So your pregnant? I heard that's expensive. Do you have insurance?"

"Gosh, it's obviously hard to get the weight off, huh?"

"Man, you look offended by my innocent questions! I was just curious! You should check with with your doctor to see if you have postpartum depression."

* I do not endorse or encourage these kinds of questions for any kind of family!

However, I do have friends who have 4+ kids who are asked why they have so many, when there are so many kids already in the world. One of my friends is always asked if her 5 kids have the same dad. (They do, and he's her husband.) Some people will just ask inappropriate questions no matter what the situation appears to be.

LOL, oh if only people really understood how offensive and rude they are being when they ask the adoption questions. The one that really tends to irk me is when I get asked by complete strangers out of no where right in front of my son...where did you get him?? I've resorted to coming up with ridiculous answers like "mars"..."the corner store"..."a catalogue". Then I walk away while their mouths are hanging open. I'll have to figure out a better way to handle these intrusions as he is getting older and will understand what is being asked as well as the answers. I know curiosity is normal but I also routinely ask the questioners "why do you want to know?" They assume that my son is not my biological son which puts my defensiveness up but if they have a logical and sensitive answer (ie their child is adopted) I will tell them a short and sweet honest answer. Most people, unfortunately, who ask these questions don't have a pure motive. For these people I would ask that if you can't stop yourself from asking these highly personal questions, at least have the sensitivity not to ask in front of my son. It's his life story, not a gossip column