The following are actual conversations I’ve had with the Clear Wireless tech support/account services folks in the past month or so, with very little embellishment, honest to goodness:

Call One, Before the Move

Tech Douche A: Now, Ms. Serface, you said you’ve tried to get a signal in every room of your house?Me: Well, I live in a studio apartment, so there’s, you know, the one room, but yes, I’ve tried it all over the apartment.TDA: And you say you can’t get a signal?Me: That is correct.TDA: Ms. Serface, you are aware that there is a tower just near your apartment… you should be getting a signal.Me: So sorry.TDA: Is the unit plugged in to an outlet?Me: Yes sir, it surely is.TDA: And you receive no bars?Me: As I’ve mentioned, I receive one bar in one of the windows if the modem is sitting on the sill, but just the one bar.TDA: To confirm that, Ms. Serface, you are receiving a signal in one window?Me: Yes.TDA: And which window is that?Me: Um, the left one? There are three… it’s the one on the left?TDA: In which room of your home?Me: Which room of my studio apartment?TDA: Yes, Ms. Serface, in which room are you receiving the signal?Me: I have just the one room, my friend. (I always start imitating Michael Cera when I’m on the phone with tech support types… that might be worth exploring…)TDA: I see, I see… have you tried putting the unit in the hallway to see if you receive a signal there?Me: The hallway outside my apartment?TDA: Yes.Me: No?

Call Two, Before the Move

Me: So what will it cost me to just cancel my contract?Accounting Jerk B: One hundred dollars.Me: So if I do that, you can just charge it to my card and we can move on?AJB: That would be most unwise, Ms. Serface. We can simply send a tech out to your home and he can verify that you are receiving no signal. Then there will be no cost to you.Me: Ok, well, let’s do that then.AJB: Excellent, but first let me run you through some trouble shooting. I see on your file that you claim to have tried the modem in every room of your home, is that so?Me: In every room of my studio, one room apartment, yes. Though not the hallway (this is about when I started getting snarky with the Clear team)AJB: Do you receive a signal any room of your home?Me: No sir, I surely do not.AJB: Are you aware that you have a tower just outside your building?Me: I’ve heard a rumor to that effect, yes. Still no signal.AJB: What about in the hallway outside your apartment?

Call Three, After the Move

Non-Jerky Tech Guy John: So Ms. Serface, you aren’t receiving a signal in your new home either?Me: No sir, I surely am not.John: I’m sorry.Me: Me too.John: Can I put you on hold while I check the coverage in your new area?Me: Sure thing John.John: Did you know you have two towers just near your home? You should be getting a signal.Me: I have a force-field surrounding me, John. I seem to personally block any possible signal.John: I’m sorry?Me: Still no signal, John.John: How many rooms are there in your home? (where was this question before, I ask you, where?)Me: I’m glad you asked…lots! Three floors. An attic, a basement, and a main floor… six rooms not counting the bathrooms. And just so we’re on the same page, I’ve taken the modem into every room, placed it against every window, opened every window, and rotated it a quarter turn in every direction and I’m pretty sure there is no signal. I have not tried the roof, the backyard, my neighbors house, or anywhere else where it will be extremely impossible for me to keep my modem. The modem, by the way, is plugged in, I have no surge protector, and it isn’t currently attached to a computer of any kind. I don’t receive one bar or two bars, just no bars at all. It scrolls indefinitely. It has been scrolling for days. No signal. I’m sorry, because there should be one, but there truly isn’t. At this point, I’m going to be cancelling the service, penalty fee or no, so actually acquiring a signal isn’t high on my list of things to do. I’ve spent about four hours on the phone with your people, and you yourself have been very kind and I realize none of this is your fault, but I’m tired, John, and frustrated, and I’d like to have a tech come out because I’d like to not spend $100. Can we arrange that?John: Hold please.(7 minutes pass)John: We will be able to get that tech out to you, Ms. Serface, but first I’ll have to run you through some trouble shooting. Let’s start in the kitchen. Are you currently receiving a signal in the kitchen?

I’ll spare you the rest. Let’s just say I was on the phone this morning for one hour and twenty seven minutes.

7/12/09 11:53 pmi used to love you madly, madlyi remember still the waywe were all and nothingfor hours on endcontent in the breathing ofeach other’s secretslost in the passionate warring of angst-riddled youthyou would put on your faux punk rock defianceand i would stand frozenin my insecuritycaptive to fear andyour hands on my faceyou could pull me out of and into all silencesi laughed hardest in your armsi used to love you madly, madly