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Long-distance relationship is emotional wrench: Ellie

I’m a college freshman, have dated my high-school boyfriend for four years, since starting high school.

Our relationship’s 100 per cent emotional — no sex, because I wanted to wait until marriage. We’re both virgins and respected each other.

We got along with each other’s families. We were inseparable, best friends.

We planned to stay together during college, though he’s two hours away, while my community college is in our city.

On our last night together, we both cried and laughed. He said he’d miss me more than anything, he’d be home very soon, and I’d visit him a lot, too.

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Six days into our first week apart, he calls and we’re both saying that we love each other so much that distance means nothing.

A half-hour into this call, he’s saying he just doesn’t know about distance, the week was way too hard being away from me.

He was hysterically crying and saying he didn’t want to do this, but he broke up with me.

He texted afterward saying he still loves me and it hurts him to let me go.

A week later we’re texting and calling as friends.

Everyone’s saying I should be angry with him, or just give up. But I can’t. I know there’s no other girl; he still loves me.

He said maybe during Christmas break we could see how he’s feeling about it then.

I won’t give up on him unless all hope runs out. I’m just hurting so bad. Why can’t we give distance a try? What do I do?

Happening so early in the separation, this isn’t about his not loving you. It’s about the emotional wrench from the security of your close, innocent relationship, and suddenly plunging into the confusion of classes, strangers, school, and social pressures, all while living in a new place.

Stay close; he needs your support. If he cries “hysterically” again, tell him not to focus on the distance, you’re only a text or call away, but if he’s overwhelmed by all that’s going on, he should seek Student Services for a talk, they’re experienced with the pressures on new students.

When he settles into school, ask if you can visit. If not, he’ll probably be home for Thanksgiving. Talk about his adjustment, then. Once he’s feeling better about himself, you can ask if he still feels committed to you.

My husband’s parents exert heavy influence on him, through their religion, culture, and family “traditions.” It seems there’s never a weekend we can be on our own or go away.

Sometimes we can’t even see a movie because of something he must do to keep them from accusing him of neglect.

I want him to set some boundaries about “our time” but he won’t, he says it’ll offend them.

They’re all offending you, by treating you as less important than them. That’s risky for all the relationships involved here.

Tell him that a couple must be the prime “family,” with enough time on their own to feel connected, and share private moments.

He needs to ease his parents into the role of extended family, which means second in line for time, unless there’s an emergency or illness that requires extra attention.

A daily phone call or email is more than enough communication between the generations — but it can also be too much.

When the parents are easy to be with and undemanding, you can have a great network. But when they’re too intrusive . . . resentment builds, which can harm the marriage.

TIP OF THE DAY

Young love can be intensely emotional; separation requires continued understanding and caring.

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