Wantto win $500?

Subscribe to YourTango newsletter

One Key to Happiness: Manage Stress

Too much stress isn't good for you and neither is too little. If you have too much stress in your life you'll likely become overwhelmed and unable to function. An optimal amount of stress motivates you to move forward and follow through on things. Too little and you'll tend to procrastinate, drift and feel life has no meaning or purpose.

There are other reasons for procrastination, drifting and feelings of meaninglessness or lack of purpose. If you struggle with ADD or ADHD then procrastination can also be caused by too little of a brain hormone that helps you focus. If you struggle with depression you may procrastinate for other reasons. The same is true if you're depressed and feel like life has no meaning or purpose. There are potentially other factors at play. However, stress can make depression and ADD/ADHD worse.

If you're at the low end of the stress meter and have too little to motivate you, find ways to build structure into your life. Develop routines like regular exercise (a good stress buster), volunteer work or social activities. If you're at the high end of the stress meter, consider the following areas to see where you can get a handle on stress:

Accepting Good Enough

If work is going well and family and relationships are in harmony, stress is usually not a problem. Even if one area begins to be problematic, if the other two are working stress is often manageable. However, when one area isn't working, you may already be at your limit for tolerating stress. You may accept what isn't working or at least try to cope. But if another area begins to malfunction, so to speak, you've just amped your stress level to the "overwhelmed" level. What areas of your life are you accepting when they really aren't working?

Going it Alone

Another issue at play in stress is we often keep it to ourselves. We see it as a personal failure or at the very least something to be endured, so we bear it and keep trying to move forward. Or we ignore what's happening and hope it will go away. Stress shouldn't be endured. It should be dealt with ASAP because prolonged stress is damaging to your physical and emotional well being: (http://www.webmd.com/balance/stress-management/stress-management-effects-of-stress) What are you putting up with? What can you do to change it?

Do you lash out when you feel criticized? Everyone can get defensive in certain situations, but if you're getting defensive most of the time you feel criticized you may be damaging your relationships or your chance for raises and promotions at work. There are several things you can do when you feel criticized that can make you feel better about ... Read more

1. Fatigue

Excessive fatigue is a by-product of stress; if you're tired you are not likely to want to engage in intimacy, which takes energy, says McGrail.

We Heart It

2. Physical reactions (or lack thereof)

If your mind "believes" it is under threat it can reduce libido in both men and women; even prevent a man from gaining an erection and a woman from being able to become aroused and lubricated. "Adrenaline and Cortisol (stress chemicals) are the antitheses of serotonin, prolactin and oxytocin, the feel good chemicals (endorphins) associated with happiness and intimacy," says McGrail.

Stress can be responsible for depleting your energy and destroying your desire. "It can manifest as an upset stomach, a pain in the neck, a backache that interferes with sexual intimacy, a headache that makes you too uncomfortable to be intimate," says Dr. Jane Greer, marriage and family therapist & SHRINK WRAP media commentator. If you aren’t feeling sexy yourself, sex is not likely to be on the table.

We Heart It

3. Ruined Mood

Everyone who has had a rough day and emerged crabby knows stress affects moods: "For example, when the economy is bad we see so many men come in and get treated for erectile dysfunction," says Sexual Health MD Dr. Jed Kaminetsky. The reason for this is that so many people's (men in particular) identity is focused on being successful, and having monetary gain. If they cannot do that, and don’t feel content, the rest of their body begins to shut down—starting with their sexual stamina.

"Stress is particularly disruptive to women, it's easier for men to be aroused. Women's environment and mood need to be appropriately set in order to enjoy sex. Stress impedes that enjoyment. Most women need to be able to clear their mind in order to experience enjoyable sex. Stress affects both genders sexually, but is more impactful on women," says Kaminetsky.

4. Relationship stress

When a couple are constantly jockeying for position and control, the hormone oxytocin (that promotes bonding, intimacy and empathy) is reduced, says Dr. Jeanette Raymond, a psychologist and expert on stress and its impact on relationships. Both parties are in defensive posture and neither wants to "give" themselves up in a vulnerable situation like sex.

"Stress hormones like cortisol and cytokines set them up for fight or flight, not close intimate connections. However sexual power games may arise—rough sex, S & M, sex where one partner ridicules the other in terms of their sexual prowess or ability to last," says Raymond.

5. Anxiety-related stress

When you stressed, are you in the mood to be ‘in the mood’? Many of us aren’t. Stress from anxiety, fear, anger results in a depletion of energy and a lack of libido, says Raymond. "Men may experience erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation and impotency. Women may experience painful intercourse as their vaginal muscles tighten and there is no oxytocin to lubricate the vaginal walls. Foreplay is restricted and desire curbed,” says Raymond.

We also may not feel sexy, ourselves. Stress caused from the source is chronic, weakens the immune system and causes headaches, gastric and skin problems that interfere with the feeling of being attractive and desirable, says Raymond.

6. Lack of validation stress

Stress from this source alters the feeling of desire to be with the person who doesn't appreciate or validate your efforts and sacrifices, says Raymond. The need for validation supersedes libido. It changes the nature of the relationship from equal partners to parent/child, with the latter role person desperate to be noticed and attended to. In this scenario, sex is a no-no!

Excessive fatigue is a by-product of stress; if you're tired you are not likely to want to engage in intimacy, which takes energy, says McGrail.