Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Dear so and so...

I have noticed recently that the majority of you no longer seem to be able to have a hobby (eg. running, reading, travelling) without getting sponsorship for it. Consequently I have decided to set up my own "just giving" page. Please sponsor me to sit around in my pyjamas eating cake and playing around on the internet. I plan to make this event last for my entire life. So you can see it is a really major and deserving commitment!

All proceeds from your sponsorship will be spent on butter.

Love your friend who is truly amazed how many good causes there are.

Dear Turkish "plumbers"

Knowing how to turn on a tap is not the same as knowing how to lay pipes and
plumb in a toilet. Just so you know, even I a non-plumber, wouldn't think that
attaching the washing machine and toilet for two different apartments to the
same 5cm pipe a good idea. It wasn't. I'm going to start asking to see your
certificates.

Your sincerely,

maecy ( aka Mrs. there-is-not-enough-bleach-in-the-world.)

Dear bigots who keep commenting on news stories about the Boston Marathon
Bombing with the phrase "not all Muslims are terrorists, but all terrorists are
Muslim."

I would like to draw your attention to this list. By and large and terrorists found in Ireland are not going to be Muslim. Nor are
the ones in Spain. If they include the word "Sikh" in their name that should be
a clue that they aren't Muslim either. I can also pretty much guarantee that the
communist ones aren't Muslims.

There is no shame in taking a deep breath and fact checking inflammatory
statements before you make them. You might even find that you learn
something!

Sincerely,

A person who knows how to use google.

Dear every blogger ever,

Please add a subscribe by email button to your blog. You have to be beyond
exceptional for people to keep coming back and checking your page, and even then
it's still hard to remember. Add one, give your readers a break

xxmaecy-with-mummy-brain

Dear USA,

I'll try not to assume you are all obese, undereducated, lazy, scarily
right-wing Christians, and /or porn stars, if you don't assume everyone who
lives in a Muslim country is an oppressed, brain-washed, terrorist in
waiting.

Deal?

Yours sincerely,

maecy (religion undisclosed)

Dear Rafey,

You can not be full just because your brother finished his food faster than
you. Eating and giggling are not compatible.

xxx mum (don't-make-me-tell-you-to-finish-your-food-again.)

Dear Countries that Oppress Women,

Your economy will never be strong if half your population can't work. Please
stop being wrong. If you let both men and women make real choices you'll be
surprised how well things can work out!

Yours faithfully

A stay at home mother (by choice)

Dear Turkish Real Estate Agents,

A few tips:

1) Be aware of how many bedrooms a property has - don't put one number in the
title and another in the description.

2) Learn how to use google maps - pinning an unspecified point in the sea
does not back up your claim that the property is near the beach, it undermines
it.

3) 'Lux' means 'luxury.' You need to go with a general standard of luxury
here - i.e. better than normal. You need to assume that the people checking your
properties don't live in a leaky tent, and are used to the concept of a building
having both windows and walls - it needs to have more than just these things if
you want to label it as luxury.

4) A man without a shirt sitting on the couch is not a selling point. Please
ask him to move before taking any more photos.

5) If you claim there is a sea view you should take a picture of it.

6) When you take photos make sure they show the actual rooms - not just a
corner of them / the ceiling, but the whole space. You may be excited about your
staircase but no one else will be. Your photos should include both the inside
and outside of the house - it's not an either/or thing. There should not be more
photos of the surrounding area than of the actual
house.

7) I know this seems daunting but you really should include some photos,
especially if your asking price is 20 times the average annual wage.

8) When you give a contact number on a website, you need to ensure it is a) a
valid number, b) your number c) that you won't then forget to pay your phone
bill / switch your phone off for the next three months etc.

9) You work on commission, if someone calls about a property and you say you
will call them back you should really do that.

10) Pounds and lira follow an exchange rate (multiply by 2.5 as a rough
guide.) 90,000tl is not the same as £90,000.

11) Driving and walking are done at different speeds, try to specify which
you mean rather than using the two interchangeably without any
clarification.

12) If the property you are trying to sell is listed with more than one
agent, check you are all selling it at the same price.

All the best with not going bankrupt,

maecy (in the end found a property without your "help")

Dear Hero,

If you tease your little brother for an hour without stopping, he's going to
end up hitting you. I will not be sympathetic.

Just sayin'

Love mum

Dear Me,

Here's a tip - it takes two minutes to double check you turned off the iron.
If you do this you will not: leave the house, go to town, get struck by
paranoia, panic because there is no bus, waste an hour making an expensive and
convoluted journey home despising yourself for all those desperate "emergency
only" prayers, only to discover the iron was off all along.

Please be smarter,

Love

Dear H,

If you ask me to look for something, go out, then find it in the car, call
and tell me. The house will not be torn to shreds and I will not be frazzled and
frustrated when you come home (maybe.)

xm

Dear Disqus, Google +, and your friends,

I just want to be able to get a few thoughts down by writing a blog. I really
like reading other peoples blogs and commenting on them. I want to comment as my
blog. Why is that so hard? I don't want to have to be signed up to twenty
different programmes just to say "hear ya!" to someone in blog land. I'm not
thick, but I really really don't get the point of any of you! I want people to
click on my name when I comment and get to my blog so they can get to know me,
not click on my name and end up on some rubbish profile page which says nothing.
I'm the type of person who buys a phone to make phone calls not throw birds as
bombs / take low-grade photos / programme my oven. Can you please make it an
option for people like me to use your websites?

4 comments:

Great post... I read it all the way to the end - and that's quite a feat for me! Love the guy on the couch not being a selling point. When I was searching for a house, I was surprised at some of the photo's we were forwarded, under the guise of "selling points" ... glad I've found your blog... keep writing... thanks, Jay

Thanks Jay! I take that as quite the compliment, I used to be one of those people who read every last word of everything, even the copright page. Now I find myself skimming by line 4 if I'm not gripped.

Having laptop problems - just got it out of the shop - not working quite as it should - not surprised.....My point being I was not in the best of moods this morning but after reading this I have a big smile on my face so thank you :-)