Will We Remember Leiby in a Month?

How to make a permanent change for Leiby's memory.

Give it a few weeks. For most of us, the shocking murder of 8-year old Leiby Kletzky may not matter to us anymore.

Chances are we will simply move on with our lives. That's just the way we are.

Remember the Itamar massacre of the Fogel family on a Friday night in March 2011?

We were shocked and grief-stricken. We were inspired to do something, to change something significant in our lives in their memory.

How long did that inspiration last?

We cannot allow the inspiration to dissipate.

Unless we understand the nature of how to truly grow, we will always experience earth-shattering events, become driven to transform our lives in some way… and then somehow allow that inspiration to dissipate.

How can we guarantee that Leiby's death will still matter a month from now?

The natural pathway of all life experience begins with inspiration and soon fades to disappointment... We are incapable of maintaining the freshness of any experience naturally... A person is inspired 'artificially' at the beginning of any phase of life (step one), but in order to acquire the depth of the personality which is demanded of us, God removes the inspiration (step two)... The challenge is to fight back to the point of inspiration, and in doing so, to build it permanently into one's character (step three)...

Unfortunately, most people do not know this secret. We are misled into thinking that the world is supposed to be a constant thrill, and we feel only half-alive because it is not... That is the pattern of life: short-lived inspiration and lengthy battles. The tools needed are determination, perseverance, and a stubborn refusal to despair.

Any true growth follows a three-step process:

Step 1) A person is inspired 'artificially' based on some event.

Step 2) God removes the inspiration so that we can acquire a true connection to what we were inspired to do. In this stage, there is a danger that we will give up and fail to maintain the growth we seek.

Step 3) The challenge is to fight back to the point of inspiration, and in doing so, to build it permanently into our character.

Under the Radar

If we want the impact of Leiby Kletzky's murder to still matter in weeks and months from now, we need to put a plan into place.

It starts with this premise: Changing a habit must be a gradual process, and we must be careful not to accept upon ourselves anything that is more than we can handle.

Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe would always advise that in order to be successful against the evil inclination, we must implement changes that “fly under the radar” http://www.aish.com/h/hh/gar/48960311.html and cannot be detected as significant changes. Only slow and gradual growth has lasting power. Taking on too much is counterproductive because we set ourselves up for likely failure. After we fail the first time, we become frustrated and often discontinue our resolution.

If I asked you to change your lifestyle overnight, so that by tomorrow you'll be as learned and pious as the greatest Jewish leader alive, you’d probably be unable to accomplish it. This is not due to any shortcoming or lack of spiritual yearning. Rather, certain challenges are so overwhelming that they are virtually impossible. Perhaps, given a few years of profound growth, the transformation would be possible, but not presently.

We have to prepare for when the burst of inspiration fades.

For lasting effect and realistic success, we have to decide upon a change and resolution that will help us grow gradually. Once we have implemented our inspiration (step one above), we have to prepare for when the burst of inspiration fades (step two) – when we aren't energized to carry through; when we just aren't “into it”; when we drag our feet. This is the normative cycle. At that point, we must fight the instinctive tendency to feel like we “failed again.”

The proper way to deal with this stage is to go easy on ourselves somewhat, to lighten the load, but to still hold on to some aspect of what we were doing. If we had resolved to study more Torah, we can study less that day but not to give up entirely. If we accepted an extra kindness upon ourselves, we can do it in a lighter fashion, or sometimes even skip a day or two, but fight to get back to it very soon. And so on for all types of resolutions. We must take it easy so we can avoid the 'crash and burn' syndrome, where all of our spiritual goals will be lost.

In the Darkness

"My enemies should not rejoice that I have fallen, because I have gotten up. When I sat in darkness, God was a light for me.” (Micha 7:8)

In this verse, the prophet declares that we have the strength to persevere and defeat our spiritual enemies, despite losing some battles along the way.

Rabbi Chaim Shmuelevitz cites this as a fundamental aspect of growth. If I had not fallen, I would not have risen. I have only experienced God as a light because I once experienced the darkness, the lack of excitement and inspiration, the lack of spiritual growth. But I persevered.

If we handle ourselves properly during the down days, we stand a chance of getting back to our grander goals when the real measured and permanent inspiration returns (step three above).

We want to do something for Leiby's memory. We want to take something from the event; to create a positive step for change in our lives.

Let's plan out real changes for growth and do it right: thoughtfully, intelligently, deliberately, slowly and gradually.

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About the Author

Rabbi Boruch Leff is a vice-principal at Torah Institute in Baltimore. "Are You Growing?" (Feldheim), his just released book, is a must read if you want to grow spiritually. Click here for info on the book.

Visitor Comments: 16

Mishnayos of Eduyot was completed in the presence of a minyan, with kaddish said, at Mincha in Yonkers, NY.

(14)
Trachtenberg,
August 9, 2011 5:19 PM

Change

If you want to do something to honor the memory of this child, perhaps it should be to make people be more willing to report abuse. Reporting only to a Rabbi has not helped children who have been molested by their "Rebbis". The people who failed to report the misconduct of the murderer on past occasions are responsible in part for this tragedy.

(13)
Anonymous,
July 26, 2011 8:57 PM

How to make a permanent change for Leiby's memory.

I keep telling my self and my girls that sadness is touching everywhere and every one... The only thing we can do is to be nice, polite, accept each person as who we are, and Do chessed. I am so lucky because my daughters, even though they are growing up in a secular sociaty, they know very well how help me when I need it. They understand that being Jewish is important and very special. Both have tought me how to tolerate others and just because they have non-Jewish friends that does not mean they will marry them.
Each day when they go out I just daven (pray) to G-D to protect them and to show them the correct path even though it is not the paths I believe they should go on. Chessed starts at home and continue outside.
Thanks

(12)
Rose,
July 26, 2011 3:16 PM

"you are right in everything you said. But you need to be more practical - how do we plug it in? How do we keep the inspiration longer? Give more real suggestions."
If you are asking this, read the article again. That's the whole point. Inspiration never lasts long term. There's no magical pill. You need to take the inspiration, choose a resolution and go on the path to struggle with it and keep it going and then you grow.

(11)
Tamar,
July 25, 2011 4:01 PM

Daily Remembrance

Every morning I say Kaddisch for the Fogel family. I am standing in solidarity with the brave, young Tamar, who has lost her family, but not her faith. I have now added Leiby to my list. It is not much, but it is a beginning and a reminder, and a loving tribute.

(10)
Yaakov,
July 25, 2011 5:00 AM

'you are right in everything you said. But you need to be more practical - how do we plug it in? How do we keep the inspiration longer? Give more real suggestions.

(9)
Laurie D-K,
July 25, 2011 3:55 AM

regarding permenant change

It is all well and good to make personal change...but, I am of the opinion that Rabbi Leff''s response to the murder of the child does not begin to answer the problem at hand.
We, as part of a larger society - like it or not - are part of the problem. We are NOT vigilant protectors of our children. Hashem will work his wonders...we need to partner up effectively.
There are those amongst us that we need to be on guard about. Taking an advocates stand is something we must do. We can daven, we can study - but the these perverts are walking among us. IF we are not proactive...we'll continue to react to terrible crimes.
Placing stumbling blocks before the blind...is a thoughtlesss. IF we know there are lurking in our communities - people who MIGHT do harm, then it is incumbent upon us to do something. Since we do not necessarily have a a clue as to who that "person" might be...then we need to act as if we do. Neighborhood Watch during hours children are out. Have all children ask a female for help - as most crimes are perpetrated by males.
Young boys and teens are not safe either...they need to be in pairs or groups as well.
Older kids could form a committee of walkers...two or three to accompany young ones to and from the school bus, to the store, etc. Hatzola Mitzvah Troops!
Pay police wages that will bring them back to walking the beat - where they are available.
Info MUST not remain a community secret. Lashan hara MUST be redefined. NOT reporting is illegal.
The rabbi in Deal convicted of molesting children COULD have been stopped MANY years before, had the community NOT chosen to keep the lid on it, keep it under wraps, deal with it from with in, expect the rabbis to be effective in curtailing the abuse, pretended it "could not happen" in our community" ... and the litany of excuses.
Regardless of the neighborhood., we must to be proactive. We must actually DO something concrete FOR change. Our childrens' lives depend in it.

Ann Brady,
July 27, 2011 2:31 PM

Females are safer than males???

Dear Laurie, have you not heard of Karla Homolka up in Canada? Mrs. Russell in Toronto, Mrs. Dooley in New Brunswick? And countless other women who molest, abuse, kidnap, murder children. Let us not be foolish and "have all children ask a female for help - as most crimes are perpetrated by males." Criminals and deviates come in both genders. This kind of feminist political correctness is dangerous.

(8)
Anonymous,
July 25, 2011 2:29 AM

My heart tore when I read of the death of this young person. His family will suffer the loss long after we have forgotten him. I know that he is safe in the arms of his redeemer.

(7)
Welton,
July 25, 2011 12:59 AM

"We are incapable of maintaining the freshness of any experience naturally...." The fact that the senseless murder of Leiby is not a natural experience is what will make it stick in my mind and remind me of what happened anytime I see or hear his name (OBM). I spent 22 years working with people who severely abuse children and there are many whom I cannot forget, even from day one. ZIYA עליו השלום זיכרונו לברכה

(6)
Minna,
July 24, 2011 11:20 PM

I will always remember

Such a senseless death..a child..his life barely began & ended too soon. Any loss of a child (my child was only 2)& she has been gone since 1960..each & every time i read the loss of a child it takes me back..as if it just happened. His parents will question always.why did GOD choose their child..the answer will always be. What child would you wish to be taken away ? I let myself believe that the All mighty had need of her & we will be together eventually.My prayers will include this child along with my own.

Leiby(my heart) is an Ola(sacrifice). He was killed by one who went to the same yeshiva as Leiby, one of us. It is a message to look into ourselves and check out what do we see? where do we have to do teshuva? this is a message of Ben Adam l'chavero? how do we treat each other? where is our heart?

(3)
dave,
July 24, 2011 6:19 PM

yes, but that's the point

"As long as you keep him in your prayers, he is never forgotten."
Are you still praying for the Itamar victims? You're not.
How long will you pray for Leiby?
If we are to hold on to any inspiration, we need to follow the insights here.
Thanks so much Rabbi for helping me and everyone!

(2)
Rho,
July 24, 2011 6:05 PM

Always

will I remember him. I did not know him, but I feel as though I did. G-D bless his soul.

(1)
Marcia,
July 24, 2011 3:55 PM

Every parent has lost Leiby, in their head & heart every morning when saying Shema

I just got married and have an important question: Can we eat rice on Passover? My wife grew up eating it, and I did not. Is this just a matter of family tradition?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah instructs a Jew not to eat (or even possess) chametz all seven days of Passover (Exodus 13:3). "Chametz" is defined as any of the five grains (wheat, spelt, barley, oats, and rye) that came into contact with water for more than 18 minutes. Chametz is a serious Torah prohibition, and for that reason we take extra protective measures on Passover to prevent any mistakes.

Hence the category of food called "kitniyot" (sometimes referred to generically as "legumes"). This includes rice, corn, soy beans, string beans, peas, lentils, peanuts, mustard, sesame seeds and poppy seeds. Even though kitniyot cannot technically become chametz, Ashkenazi Jews do not eat them on Passover. Why?

Products of kitniyot often appear like chametz products. For example, it can be hard to distinguish between rice flour (kitniyot) and wheat flour (chametz). Also, chametz grains may become inadvertently mixed together with kitniyot. Therefore, to prevent confusion, all kitniyot were prohibited.

In Jewish law, there is one important distinction between chametz and kitniyot. During Passover, it is forbidden to even have chametz in one's possession (hence the custom of "selling chametz"). Whereas it is permitted to own kitniyot during Passover and even to use it - not for eating - but for things like baby powder which contains cornstarch. Similarly, someone who is sick is allowed to take medicine containing kitniyot.

What about derivatives of kitniyot - e.g. corn oil, peanut oil, etc? This is a difference of opinion. Many will use kitniyot-based oils on Passover, while others are strict and only use olive or walnut oil.

Finally, there is one product called "quinoa" (pronounced "ken-wah" or "kin-o-ah") that is permitted on Passover even for Ashkenazim. Although it resembles a grain, it is technically a grass, and was never included in the prohibition against kitniyot. It is prepared like rice and has a very high protein content. (It's excellent in "cholent" stew!) In the United States and elsewhere, mainstream kosher supervision agencies certify it "Kosher for Passover" -- look for the label.

Interestingly, the Sefardi Jewish community does not have a prohibition against kitniyot. This creates the strange situation, for example, where one family could be eating rice on Passover - when their neighbors will not. So am I going to guess here that you are Ashkenazi and your wife is Sefardi. Am I right?

Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Moses ben Nachman (1194-1270), known as Nachmanides, and by the acronym of his name, Ramban. Born in Spain, he was a physician by trade, but was best-known for authoring brilliant commentaries on the Bible, Talmud, and philosophy. In 1263, King James of Spain authorized a disputation (religious debate) between Nachmanides and a Jewish convert to Christianity, Pablo Christiani. Nachmanides reluctantly agreed to take part, only after being assured by the king that he would have full freedom of expression. Nachmanides won the debate, which earned the king's respect and a prize of 300 gold coins. But this incensed the Church: Nachmanides was charged with blasphemy and he was forced to flee Spain. So at age 72, Nachmanides moved to Jerusalem. He was struck by the desolation in the Holy City -- there were so few Jews that he could not even find a minyan to pray. Nachmanides immediately set about rebuilding the Jewish community. The Ramban Synagogue stands today in Jerusalem's Old City, a living testimony to his efforts.

It's easy to be intimidated by mean people. See through their mask. Underneath is an insecure and unhappy person. They are alienated from others because they are alienated from themselves.

Have compassion for them. Not pity, not condemning, not fear, but compassion. Feel for their suffering. Identify with their core humanity. You might be able to influence them for the good. You might not. Either way your compassion frees you from their destructiveness. And if you would like to help them change, compassion gives you a chance to succeed.

It is the nature of a person to be influenced by his fellows and comrades (Rambam, Hil. De'os 6:1).

We can never escape the influence of our environment. Our life-style impacts upon us and, as if by osmosis, penetrates our skin and becomes part of us.

Our environment today is thoroughly computerized. Computer intelligence is no longer a science-fiction fantasy, but an everyday occurrence. Some computers can even carry out complete interviews. The computer asks questions, receives answers, interprets these answers, and uses its newly acquired information to ask new questions.

Still, while computers may be able to think, they cannot feel. The uniqueness of human beings is therefore no longer in their intellect, but in their emotions.

We must be extremely careful not to allow ourselves to become human computers that are devoid of feelings. Our culture is in danger of losing this essential aspect of humanity, remaining only with intellect. Because we communicate so much with unfeeling computers, we are in danger of becoming disconnected from our own feelings and oblivious to the feelings of others.

As we check in at our jobs, and the computer on our desk greets us with, "Good morning, Mr. Smith. Today is Wednesday, and here is the agenda for today," let us remember that this machine may indeed be brilliant, but it cannot laugh or cry. It cannot be happy if we succeed, or sad if we fail.

Today I shall...

try to remain a human being in every way - by keeping in touch with my own feelings and being sensitive to the feelings of others.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...