It’s so cold the weather made me reminisce
about some of my ex-girlfriends.

It’s so cold, Miley Cyrus put her
clothes on.

Or this one that I just came up
with: It’s so cold politicians are starting to look warm and friendly.

Now you know why I don’t do
stand-up.

They’re probably all variations on
jokes someone already came up with. Besides, this being Indiana, it could be in
the 50’s when you read this. But as I wrote it the temperature was minus 15, so
I think I’m justified in saying it’s so cold they canceled Cleveland. The whole
city. They just canceled it. And
nobody else noticed.

I did some research for this column
(shut up, I did), and came across
such things as it’s so cold I saw a politician with his hands in his own
pockets, and it’s so cold I saw a gangsta pull his pants up. But my heart
really wasn’t in it, because it was so cold the truth becomes ridiculous
without the need for exaggeration. For instance:

It’s so cold that boiling water thrown
in the air turns instantly to snow.

Next question: What fool would go
out with boiling water in that weather? I hope it was some weatherman getting
paid to go out, show it’s too cold to go out, and tell people not to go out.

On a related note, it’s so cold The
Weather Channel named this storm “Winter Storm &#$%*@!”

It’s so cold salt and other
chemicals put on roadways to melt ice stopped melting anything. But that’s
okay, because nobody could get past the snow drifts, anyway.

It’s so cold the Chicago Zoo had to
keep their penguins and polar bears indoors.

Even inside, the penguins asked for
extra blankets. The polar bears demanded their fish be fried.

It’s so cold that it got into the
single digits – in Atlanta, Georgia. Atlanta residents haven’t shivered so much
since they heard Sherman was marching their way.

It’s so cold antifreeze could
freeze.

Well, not right here, but in Minnesota
it got down to minus 36. Prestone antifreeze freezes as minus 34. So far as I
know, there is no antifreeze antifreeze.

However, we Hoosiers aren’t out of
the frigid woods: vodka freezes at minus 16.51 degrees. It’s so cold, the cold
can’t even drive you to drink.

In Canada, it’s so cold that it’s
actually warmer on Mars.

But it’s okay – Canadians are used
to it.

Also in Canada, the severe cold has
caused some “frost quakes”. That happens when the temperature drops so much, so
fast, that ice causes the earth to crack open. The same thing happened in 2011
in Ohio and Indiana. This helps me with the screenplay I’m writing for the SyFy
channel, which I’ve titled: “SnowTornadoIceQuake Shark Attack”. I know what
you’re thinking: Sharks? Hey, I’m out for the ratings, so I’m having some
teenage snowboarders in bikinis jump the shark.

Ratings Gold.

It’s so cold that in Green Bay
people are grilling beer.

Apparently this happened at a
football game tailgating party, where it was so cold the beer froze and had to
be set on the grill to thaw out. In related news, a nearby fan received a
concussion after he asked someone to throw him a brat.

And now you know why I don’t go to
football game tailgating parties.

It’s so cold that I filled my
column up with twenty-three repetitions of “it’s so cold”, because my chilled
mind couldn’t come up with anything else.

Okay, how about this: It’s so cold
that when I came in from shoveling snow I climbed into the refrigerator to get
warm.

Oh, here’s one: It’s so cold people
were getting frostbite while thinking
about going outside.