Ivido’s Push-Up Jeans: Solving The Problem They Just Invented

People, mostly men, make billions of dollars a year pushing products that they have convinced women are absolutely necessary because if they don’t own then they are hideous beasts unworthy of love. This one is being pushed by a woman, so that’s progress right?

​Hey ladies, unhappy with something about your body? I’m sorry, did I phrase that in the form of a question. What I meant was, you are. You are because everywhere you turn you’re told that you should be. I don’t envy the simple job of BEING a woman. The image-obsessed media doesn’t make it easy. Guys don’t make it easy. And just when you think you’ve come to appreciate–if not love–your physical attributes, something else comes along to make you question another previously satisfactory area of your body.

So please welcome to your closet of frustration and discomfort: the push-up jeans.

Presenting: Booty, LIFTED!

From the land of bodacious buns: Canada, comes Ivido Jeans, the company behind this new line of women’s jeans that “use shading, special fabrics, stitching and pocket placement to give the booty a boost”; apparently turning your ass into some kind of squeezable optical illusion.

And then there are the alleged “testimonials” from supposed pant-wearing women in response to these wonderful new innovations in pocket placement that only work to confuse me further.

“When you put them on,” a Stefanie Cornell was quoted, “It’s like stepping into a standing ovation. You can’t help but strut.”

From “Boo” to “Bravo” then I guess?

I’ve run the line, “It’s like stepping into a standing ovation” through my head several hundred times now, and I’m no closer to understanding its specific meaning. The closest I can come to making sense of the statement is that these jeans make your ass applause-worthy, which, while it may sound like a positive sentiment, I don’t think–put into practical, real life execution–it would be met with the kind of positive reaction that it seems to imply.

Then there was the reaction from Danae Dumontet.

“My butt grew five sizes. I’m amazed.”

I don’t… I’m not sure… If I were to tell Lady Dumontet that it looked like her butt grew five sizes, I honestly don’t think that news would be something that she would accept as praise.

So what I’m really getting at ladies is: please don’t let another answer for a need that doesn’t actually exist make you think you’re anything less than wonderful just as you are. And remember, if you ask if I think your ass looks fat in whatever you’re wearing, there is literally no right answer for me to give you.