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What to do with unwanted gifts: Ken Gallinger

Q: We don’t drink alcohol — it triggers migraines for me, and my husband is on medication that prohibits consumption. We entertain a lot for meals, and often are gifted with a bottle of wine. We do not serve wine when we entertain — the smell of it makes me sick. What should I do when someone walks in with a bottle? I’ve tried returning it, but people seem offended and I feel guilty.

Q: We don’t drink alcohol — it triggers migraines for me, and my husband is on medication that prohibits consumption. We entertain a lot for meals, and often are gifted with a bottle of wine. We do not serve wine when we entertain — the smell of it makes me sick. What should I do when someone walks in with a bottle? I’ve tried returning it, but people seem offended and I feel guilty.

I discussed your problem with friends over a couple of bottles of wine. They were unanimous in their belief that your guests are bringing wine because they really, really don’t want to drink Kool-Aid with your delicious Coquilles St. Jacques. They aren’t really bringing a gift; it’s a contribution to the meal, and they are hoping you will serve it.

But you won’t, or more to the point, you can’t because it makes you ill. So simply give it back, but do so without self-righteousness and with an explanation. Tell your friends that you appreciate their generosity, but simply can’t have an open bottle of wine in your house because of the reaction it causes in you. Not even the most sensitive friend should be offended by that; after all, if they brought peanut butter sandwiches to a potluck where a kid was anaphylactic, they wouldn’t be offended if asked to leave them outside. So if, as you claim, your friends are not just winey but also whiney, that’s their problem.

Ethically, two principles prevail. The first is that you have an obligation to be grateful — not just to put on an act but to actually be grateful. That can be tricky, I know, when someone has just given you a necktie featuring naked Elvis wearing a Santa hat. But here’s the thing; for some perverse reason, the gift-giver thought you’d like the tie, and maybe even wear it to church on Christmas Eve. Trust me: people do.

He or she may have misread your tastes, but paid the price and went to the trouble of wrapping it up. And good intentions deserve a gracious response.

But the second principle is equally important. Once you receive a gift, it’s yours. The giver no longer has any claim on it whatsoever. So you are now free to do with it as you choose.

Surely, somewhere in your circle of friends, there’s someone who loves Elvis. They’ve made a pilgrimage to Graceland, or play “Blue Christmas” in their cubicle. The point is that there aren’t many gifts that are bad in an absolute sense — they’re just bad for you. So if there’s someone who’d appreciate a gift you don’t want, there’s nothing ethically wrong with re-gifting it.

Perhaps you could give naked Elvis to any thoughtless clod who brings wine to your house a second time, after being told you’re allergic. Just watch the outpouring of gratitude.

Footnote: Last Saturday, I fielded a question from someone who had collected Memorial Gifts from colleagues, sent them to a charity, and then incorrectly got a receipt for the total amount. I advised him to throw the receipt out. Following the column, I received an astonishing dozen emails suggesting he should have claimed the tax deduction, then given the refund to the charity involved. Pragmatically that’s a great idea -- somewhat like using city letterhead to raise funds for your chosen charity. But ethically — yikes! As Toronto learned decisively this week, misusing taxpayers’ resources is not OK – legally or ethically – even if the reason for doing so is noble.

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