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CIA

Trump adviser and covert-appliance specialist Kellyanne Conway recently warned Americans that the CIA has discovered a way to turn microwaves into cameras with the intent to gather delicious data on the populace.

As an entity, the CIA shit a brick after learning Conway spilled the beans on the entire spying scheme. (I always thought the “A” was for Agency but we now know it’s Central Intelligence Appliances.)

Wikileaks released a billion documents detailing the extent of the scandal, rendering every kitchen in the country a base for sneaky operatives. (Luckily, the window of my microwave is so covered with exploded spaghetti sauce that a complete view of my kitchen is impossible.)

The documents show the CIA has infiltrated other kitchen appliances, starting with the fridge. I was pretty sure the fridge was the leader of the group since it continues to passive aggressively freeze all my produce in the vegetable bins.

All those smart fridges we thought could just order milk were actually documenting how often we stand with the door open waiting for delicious food to magically appear. It also judges our use of leftovers and how many opened cans of chicken broth we have at any given time.

My dishwasher is too stupid to be an effective spy. It tends to lazily spit on my dishes without actually getting anything clean. Drying is obviously too much of an effort for my dishwasher, so it doesn’t bother. If it’s working for the CIA, it should be reassigned to the scrap heap.

(Now with a stealthy periscope.)

You know it’s just the tip of the iceberg. There are toasters with high-tech listening capabilities, hand mixers that can tell if you’re stressed, and garbage disposals with the ability to analyze all the food you waste. In fact, while we’re laughing about this, I just noticed my blender is slowly moving closer to get a better view.

Thank goodness, Conway is on top of the situation, warning the American public that the CIA is watching us from our ovens and coffee makers. Enjoy your next family dinner.

I guess you’ve heard the claims that the U.S. Government used electronic surveillance to track “terrorists.” My first thought was, “Duh.” I assumed the CIA tracked us from the moment of our birth. But maybe tinfoil does keep the government from reading your mind. Because that’s about the only thing they haven’t infiltrated. . . . or have they?

(No matter what they say, these people are not milkmen.)

Here are some ways to tell if the CIA is tracking you:

You have a new friend on Facebook named Agent Johnson.

You think about ordering pizza and Domino’s shows up at your door.

You’re trying to watch Game of Thrones but the channel keeps changing to the latest congressional hearing.

General David Petraeus moves next door.

(“Hi. I’m the new PTA president.”)

Your Comcast installer says he has to add a special “feature” to your landline and cell phones.

As you listen to your police scanner, you realize they are talking about your house.

Your water meter has been checked several times in the last few days.

You find someone living in your doghouse.

You type “Is the CIA watching me?” onto Google, and this is what shows up:

The ice cream truck has been parked in front of your home for a really long time.

You reach in the fridge to grab the milk, and someone hands it to you.

You see someone run across your lawn yelling, “We’ve been compromised!!”

All your mail has been opened and re-sealed with duct tape.

You hear someone say “Bless you” when you sneeze. But you’re home alone.

Now, granted, some of those things can happen with no CIA involvement. But if one or more of these occur regularly, you might want to change your name and move to Brazil. Stay safe, my friends.