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Friday, November 18, 2011

Pants too tight? Blame Norwegian Immigrants!

Image from antonybennison.com

Do not adjust your font, my ass really has gotten bigger. This sweater isn't bulky... that's a muffin top fighting to get out. Even my hair feels fatter today. It's not that I have no self-control. It's not that my will power (or won't power as Leauxra would say) is lacking. The problem is that I am too nice. I just don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving potluck day in our office. With so many people being out next week, we felt the best thing to do was start the binge early and embrace our gluttony with the giant bear hug of true American's. We're a thankful bunch doncha know! I wore my least constricting attire just short of donning the XL sweat pants I bought 5 years ago with the drawstring. Tuesday evening I threw another mile onto my evening jog in hopes that I'd be able to mitigate some of the damage.

The spread covered everything a good binge-purge session should, plus oyster stuffing, lefsa, something with sour kraut, and various breads of the world (okay not so much of the world). If you read my gluttony post, you'll know that potlucks don't really contain healthy food choices (aside from the obligatory veggie tray). I never hear anyone say "Oh, I'll bring a giant mixed salad with mandarin oranges, walnuts, and raspberry vinegrette!" Do you know why? Because it's STUPID! Do you know why else? Because it's STUPID! Wanna go three for three? That person would be ridiculed to the point of having grounds for a harassment lawsuit.

I want to clear up a little confusion about "salad". If you make a fruit "salad" that consists of various fruits tossed in a mixture of either whipped cream or pudding, it is not a salad. It's not even a damned parfait, okay? Aside from a few strawberries, grapes, blueberries, or whatever the hell fruit you're throwing in that bitch, if you mix it with pudding or Cool Whip it's a dessert. I don't care what your Methodist, Catholic, Lutheran, or Presbyterian cook book says (I name those specifically because I believe I have one of each).

So to the woman who brought the Jello and Cool Whip "fruit salad" in a graham cracker crust yesterday, thanks for bringing pie.

I'm going to blame the Norwegian and Swedish immigrants for this lie. One cold blustery Wednesday night, long long ago in North Dakota or Minnesota, it was decided that fruits and veggies fall into the same food group, therefore uncooked fruits would fall into the category of salad. In order to stretch the fruit a bit further, it was fluffed up with Cool Whip. Fruit salad was born.

Perhaps this helps you understand what a woman means when she says, "I eat nothing but salad and the weight still isn't coming off!" I guess it could be the ranch dressing, bacon, cheese, and seasoned croutons on the lettuce salad... but I am not sure it's legal to eat lettuce without those 4 things. Pretty sure it's not.

11 comments:

I come from a long line or Norwegian Lutherans so we loves us some potluck ("Oh, ya...you betcha"). My gransma used to make a potato salad with mayo, sour cream and. . wait for it. . .bacon grease. Ho. Ly. Shit.

I've been fighting my lack of won't power ever since the damned pumpkin spice lattes came out again at Starbucks. And no, getting skim milk doesn't mitigate this when you ask for extra whip cream on top.

I have actually been asked to take part in a pot luck at work, probably because I am known for my cup cake prowess. I think chai cup cakes are in order this year. 40 of them. Woot!

I have all the same church cookbooks! They are full of "fruit salads" and vegetable side dishes recipes that are higher in fat than a quarter pounder with cheese. The one for cream cheese icing is crazy good! All of my favorite recipes for the holidays! (XL, drawstring sweats are in my bottom drawer.) Every time I try to skip the "cheesy potatoes" my boys act like a crime has been committed. Face it, there are gonna be a lot of extra workouts between now and January:( Happy Turkey Day!

I don't have much to say on the issue of salads, since my fruit diet I started on 5 years ago has proven rather successfull. It's amazing how after 5 years, everything resembles a fruit. Like a tub of Ben & Jerry's this morning looked exactly like a watermelon. It tasted creamier though.

I do have a question however.If I add a slice of lemon to my Kole Tonic & Lemonade, does it qualify as a fruit drink?

The obligatory veggie tray!! HA! LOVE that. I SO am NEVER that girl. I want to bring home an EMPTY dish, not one still three quarters full of rubbery celery and dusty looking baby carrots. And the one quarter that is gone, ends up in the garbage anyway: we only grab shit off the veggie stray to try and appear healthy.

I absolutely consider my vodka/cran with a slice of lime a fruit drink, so, I say YES!

Jen, and Jello salad? Do your Lutheran's there celebrate with every imaginable color of jello? LOL

Leauxra, Those things are so addictive! You shouldn't tease a girl with talk of cupcakes. I might find you and move in!

Ink, Norwegian, Swedish, and English here. I'll eat anything! LOL

Babyblue, It would take an act of congress to keep Cheesy Potatoes out of one of my family gatherings!

2Peeps, Not healthy I know!

Kaloo, That qualifies!

Margarita, Same here... I refuse to be the veggie person. I love to browse through it as a palette cleanser but I won't be the one bringing carrots and celery. Oooh and don't bring it without ranch dip!

GB, Hmmmm but what did they do with the brains they removed? Where did THOSE go?

I used to hate the damn Thanksgiving pot luck right before the holiday. I only want that "stuff" on Thanksgiving and only one time a year. (And frankly, turkey is not my favorite thing anyway. I'd rather have lasagna.)

About Me

I write but not for money... that is unless you want to pay me. I specialize in snarky observations and cynical yet hopeful romanticism. I am currently writing a DIY book on how to derail your own life. I have a follow up instructional guide on how to relate to all the wrong men for women who weren't able to completely derail their lives with book one. Look for my work at Barnes and Borders.