Frasier Crane, c'est moi.

A Letter to President Trump

I just wanted to write you a quick note to say that I think you’re doing a terrific job. Just great. It’s too bad that you don’t have more support from the people. After all, you’re the president. Don’t let the losers get to you though. They’re just jealous. Weak, weak, weak.

I’m glad you’re Making America Great Again. All of these snowflakes and fatsos need to be shown who’s boss. For my part, I just want to make a small suggestion to help you Make America Great Again. I know you’re very concerned about liable law. I can understand why. The things people say about you– that you have tiny hands and are a narcissistic idiot? That your penis is even smaller than your hands and at least as orange as your hair? That you’ve never actually brought a woman to orgasm? Terrible, just terrible. Unfair. But why take it to the courts? Lawyers? Horrible! Who needs them!

Back when America was really great, you didn’t need some stuffed suit when someone insulted you. You just challenged them to a duel. That was back when men were men. Forgot the liable law. I say you should issue an executive order legalizing the duel. Just imagine it: Alec Baldwin does his impression on Saturday Night Live (unfunny!), and the next morning you meet him at dawn with pistols. Wouldn’t it be great to wipe that smug smile off his fat face?

Honestly, I think it’d be a great way to stop the protestors. The Mexicans are insulted because of something you said months and months ago? Unfair. Why not let them send a champion to fight with sabers? You think you can convince the blacks to stop whining with words? All they understand is violence anyway. A swordfight with Colin Kaepernick should be enough to prove the superiority of the white race. Maybe you should let Bannon take that one though. Can’t seem greedy. You’re a generous guy, after all.

Plus, you’ll be plenty busy. The CIA? Losers and wimps! Saying you’ve been bought by Russia? Shameful. And the military? So upset just because you gave that seat on the NDC to Bannon. Show them who’s boss! Rapiers in the rose garden! Then all of the other groups you insulted. It’ll be lots of fun. Very good entertainment. Here’s a little list of people you’ve insulted. If you’d like, I’d be happy to find dueling partners from each group for you. I’ve got to help make America great again, after all: The Chinese, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Germany, Britain, New Jersey, the Gays, United Steelworkers Union 1999, mixed martial artist Ronda Rousey, Ted Cruz, Democrats, Republicans.

Honestly, with another President, I might worry that all of that fighting could be a distraction from the burdens of governing. But you’re a smart guy. You don’t need to waste all that time with intelligence briefings and policy meetings. Boring! Pointless! Of course, a weaker politician would probably be afraid that he might lose one of these duels. But our fearless leader? Never! After all, President Trump, you’re the healthiest man ever elected to office. I wouldn’t worry about it at all. So that’s my little contribution to making America Great Again. Because why go back to the 1950s when you can go all the way back to the 1770s, when America was really great!