ELAINE: Where is this guy?! (Checks her watch) I hate this! (Sighs) I shoulda brought something to read.. (Picks up a sugar packet) "Cancer in labratory animals".. huh.

(A waiter approaches)

WAITER: Excuse me, Elaine Benes?

ELAINE: Yeah?

WAITER: An Alan Mercer called for you. He said he's sorry, but he won't be able to make it tonight. (Pause) He's been stabbed.

ELAINE: (Shocked) Stabbed?!

WAITER: More bread?

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

JERRY: (Talking to Elaine) You ate more bread?

ELAINE: That is not the point! The guy was stabbed!

JERRY: Did you find out who stabbed him?

ELAINE: Yeah, (Nodding) It turns out it was his ex-girlfriend.

JERRY: (Like a father) Well, you're not going near this hooligan anymore.

ELAINE: Well, I don't know.. I mean, think about it, Jerry. There must be something exciting about this guy if he can arouse that kind of passion. (Obviously turned on by the stabbing) I mean, to be stab-worthy.. You know, it's.. kind of a compliment.

JERRY: (Sarcastic) Yeah, too bad he didn't get shot. He could have been the one.

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER: (Coughs) Hey. How's everybody? (Moves to the kitchen)

JERRY AND ELAINE: Hey.

KRAMER: Ehh.. (Picks up a carton of food) No expiration date on this.. (Opens it, then starts coughing directly onto the food)

JERRY: There is now. Kramer, you should really get that cough checked out by a doctor.

KRAMER: (Shrugging it off) Nah, no, no, no. No doctors for me. A bunch of lackeys and yes-men all towing the company line.. (Looks at Jerry, then leans in so Elaine can't hear) Plus, the botched my vasectimy.

JERRY: (In awe. Whispering) The botched it?

KRAMER: (Complaining) I'm even more potent now!

(Jerry gives his "That's a shame" face. George enters)

GEORGE: Hey.

JERRY: Hey. How's the new place?!

GEORGE: Gone. (Moves over to a chair in the living room. Kramer takes the carton of food to the table, and begins eating) The tenant association made me give it to this guy because he was an Andrea Doria survivor..

ELAINE: Andrea Doria? Isn't that the one they did the song about?

JERRY: (Correcting her) Edmund Fitzgerald.

ELANE: I love Edmund Fitzgerald's voice.

JERRY: (Gives Elaine a look) No, Gordon Lightfoot was the singer. Edmund Fitzgerald was the ship.

GEORGE: (Talking about his would-be apartment) You could fit 15 people in that bathroom..

ELAINE: I think Gordon Lightfoot was the boat.

JERRY: (Sarcastic) Yeah, and it was rammed by the Cat Stevens.

KRAMER: (Like a teacher) The Andrea Doria collided with the Stockholm in dense fog 21 miles off the coast of Nantucket. (Makes a clicking sound with his tongue)

(Everyone's taken back by Kramer's knowledge)

GEORGE: How do you know?

KRAMER: it's in my book - "Astonishing Tales of the Sea" 51 people died.

GEORGE: 51 people?! That's it?! I thought it was, like, a thousand!

KRAMER: There were 1,650 survivors.

GEORGE: That's no tragedy! How many people do you lose on a normal cruse? 30? 40?! Kramer, can I take a look at that book? (Starts walking tward the door. Kramer grabs his food, and follows)

KRAMER: Oh yeah. I also got "Astounding Bear Attacks"

(George opens the door, and enters Kramer's apartment. Jerry stops Kramer before he can do the same)

JERRY: Hey, uh, before you go, did you talk to Newman about getting that mail outta there?

KRAMER: Yeah, oh, yeah. Yeah, he's not gonna do it. (Leaves)

(Jerry nods his head - like it was expected)

[Setting: Newman's apartment]

(Jerry knocks on the door as it opens slowly. Newman's sitting on the couch, watching TV in a state of depression)

JERRY: Newman?

NEWMAN: (Eyes glued to the TV) I guess.

JERRY: Listen, I want you to get the mail outta my storage unit.

NEWMAN: Sometimes we don't get what we want.

JERRY: (Confused) What are you talking about?

NEWMAN: I didn't get my transfer.

JERRY: "Transfer"?

NEWMAN: To Hawaii. The most sought-after postal route of them all. The air is so dewy-sweet you don't even have to like the stamps.. But it's not to be - So, I'm hanging it up.

NEWMAN: And yet, it's perfectly legal to take a man's soul and crush it out like a stale Pall Mall.

JERRY: (Cheerfully) Well, a law's a law. (Leaves)

[Setting: Central Park]

(Kramer's sitting on a bench coughing. A man walking some dogs passes. A coughing other than Kramer's can be heard. Kramer stops the man)

KRAMER: Ok, hold on there.. That's a nasty cough you got there, huh?

MAN: What cough?

(One of his dogs, Smuckers, coughs. Kramer reacts while pointing to the dog)

[Setting: Restaurant]

(Elaine's on a date with Alan)

ELAINE: I love shrimp! (Waves her knife around as she's talking) I'm a shrimp eater. You put shrimp infront of me, (Waves her knife along with her hand gestures. Alan is getting edgy about it, and even more so with every wave) and I will eat it until my stomach pops! (Notices Alan's unsettled) Oh.. (Puts the knife down)

ALAN: No, it's okay. I'm.. still just a little bit jumpy.

ELAINE: (Leans in close) Between you and me, what happened there with the stabbing?

ALAN: Just.. one of those things, you know.

ELAINE: What? Was she just so crazy in love with you that she just couldn't take it anymore? Or..?

GEORGE: (Holding up Kramer's book) According to this, it took.. 10 hours. It eased into the water like an old man into a nice warm bath - no offence. (Pause) So, uh, Clarence, how about abandoning this apartment, and letting me shove off in this beauty?

ELDRIDGE: Is that what this is all about?! I don't think I like you. (Enters his apartment, and slams the door behind him)

GEORGE: (Yelling out) It's my apartment, Eldridge! The Stalkholm may not have sunk ya, but I will! Ha, ha, ha!

GEORGE: So, he's keeping the apartment. He doesn't deserve it, though! Even if he did suffer, that was, like, 40 years ago! What has he been doing lately?! I've been suffering for the past 30 years up to and including yesterday!

JERRY: You know, if this tenant board is so impressed with suffering, maybe you should tell them the "Astonishing Tales of Costanza".

GEORGE: (Interested) I should!

JERRY: I mean, your body of work in this field is unparalleled.

GEORGE: I could go bumper to bumper with any one else on this planet!

JERRY: You're the man!

(There's an urgent knocking at the door. Jerry answer it. Newman's standing in the doorway)

NEWMAN: Jerry!

JERRY: I'm with people, I'll be with you in a moment. (Slams the door on Newman's face. Then tries to delay talking to Newman by keeping the conversation with George going) So, you want a protein shake, or something?

NEWMAN: The guy who had the Hawaii transfer got busted for hoarding Victoria Secret catalogues. I gotta deliver that mail!

JERRY: Well, go ahead. There's 8 bags of it.

NEWMAN: Blast! There's no way I can handle 8 in addition to my ususal load of one! I'll never get to Hawaii! (Moves over to Jerry's couch, depressed) I'll be stuck in this apartment building forever! (Lays down on Jerry's couch) The dream is dead.

JERRY: (Reads the pill bottle) What kind of pills are these, anyways?! "For Smuckers"? "May cause panting and loss of fur"? (Turns to Kramer) These are dog pills!

KRAMER: Whe have the same symptoms.

JERRY: But, he's a dog! You need to see a real doctor.

KRAMER: No, no. No doctors.

JERRY: Alright.. (Heads for the door, grabbing his coat)

KRAMER: Where are you going?

JERRY: I'm taking the car. I gotta run some errands. You want to go?

KRAMER: I don't know..

JERRY: (Opens the door) C'mon, you wanna go for a ride? (Starts jiggling his keys - as if he's calling out for a dog) Huh? C'mon! C'mon!

(Kramer eagerly gets up and runs out the door. Jerry follows Kramer out)

[Setting: Taxi cab]

(Elaine's riding in the back seat of a taxi)

DRIVER: Lady, could you move your head a little bit?

ELAINE: What?

DRIVER: Your head. I can't see out the back. (Elaine slumps down in her seat) Little more.. (Elaine slumps lower) ..Little more. (Slides down until just her eyes and forehead can be seen) Thank you.

[Setting: Jerry's car]

(Jerry is driving to an unknown destination. Kramer is restless in the back. He's scrambling around, looking out the windows - just as a dog would)

KRAMER: I don't see any tissues back her.. (Looks out the windows) Wait a minute!.. (Jerry looks like he's trying to keep something from Kramer) This isn't the way to the park! (Starts getting even more energetic) Where are we going?.. I recognize this block! (Looks at Jerry, scared) You're taking me to the doctor!

[Setting: Coffee shop]

(George is at the coffee shop with his parents)

GEORGE: So, uh, Mom, Dad, I was hoping that you could help me to remember my childhood a little clearly..

ESTELLE: I feel a draft. (Grabs the bread basket and her drink) Let's change tables.

FRANK: Get outta here! We have a booth.

ESTELLE: Frank, I'm cold!

FRANK: Order a hot dish.

ESTELLE: Why can't we sit over there? (Points to a table)

FRANK: (Yelling) That's not a booth!

ESTELLE: (Trying to match Frank's loudness) So, who says we have to sit in a booth?!

FRANK: (Loud shouting) I didn't take the subway all the way to New York to sit at a table like that! (Gestures to the table)

ESTELLE: (Nagging yell) Well, I didn't take the subway to be in a drafty restaurant!

(A moment passes)

GEORGE: (Pleading for them to stop) Mom.. dad.

FRANK: Now, George, what do you want to know about your childhood?

GEORGE: (Fed up with his parents) Actually, I think I'm pretty clear on it.

FRANK: (Looks up) Where's that breeze coming from?

[Setting: NYC Street]

(Jerry's car is parked outside of the doctor's office. Kramer refuses to get out of the car)

JERRY: Kramer, outta the car. Out, now!

KRAMER: No, Jerry!

JERRY: Alright, that's it.. (Grabs Kramer, trying to pull him out of the car)

KRAMER: No! Don't!

(Jerry pulls Kramer out onto the sidewalk. Kramer quickly gets up and takes off - running down the street)

JERRY: Hey, hey! Get back over here! Kramer! Get over here! You are bad! Bad neighbor! Kramer!

[Setting: Tenant board room]

(Mr. Eldridge is telling his story to the board members. Each one looked touched by the tale. George, on the other hand, is bored to death. He's leaning back in his chair in the corner of the room, knocking on the wall - to display how bored he is)

ELDRIDGE: Just then, a rescue ship emerged from the fog and saved us. It was.. (Stops, then gives George a look. George stops knocking on the walls) It was the sweetest sight my eyes ever saw.

(George gets up, walks over to Mr. Eldridge, then gestures for him to give up his chair. Eldridge reluctantly gets up and takes George's seat in the corner)

[Setting: Newman's apartment]

(Jerry enters. Newman has an ice pac on his ankle)

JERRY: Newman, how'd it go? Did you get it all delivered? (Sees the pac) What happened?

NEWMAN: Kramer bit me!

JERRY: Bit you?!

NEWMAN: We had an arguement about me going to Hawaii, and he locked onto my ankle like it was a soup bone. I'm hubbled! I don't think I can do my route - and they're awarding the transfer in two days!

JERRY: (Bravely) Well, what if I deliver it?

NEWMAN: You?! (Laughs hysterically) You can't deliver mail!

JERRY: Well, why not?

NEWMAN: (Thinks for a moment) I guess you're right. It's just walking around putting it into boxes..

JERRY: What am I gonna wear?

NEWMAN: I could give you my uniform from my rookie year.

JERRY: (Excited) I can't believe I'm gonna be a mailman!

(Scene cuts to Jerry on Newman's route. He's walking along a city street with a mail cart. He stops infront of a store owner brooming the sidewalk)

JERRY: (Hands him some mail) There you go. Merry Chirstmas!

OWNER: Mail on Sunday?

JERRY: (Shrugs) Oops. (Continues walking along the route, whistling. Hands a newspaper to a homeless bum on the street, then keeps walking)

[Setting: Tenant board room]

(George is telling the board his astonishing life stories. Every board member seems to be deeply moved by them)

GEORGE: I was handcuffed to the bed.. In my underwear, (Sighs) where I remained.. (Scene cuts to another story) She was attractive.. She was, also, infact, a Nazi.. (Cuts to another story) The water.. that I had been swiming in was.. very cold. And, when I dropped the towel, there was.. significant shrinkage.. (Scene cuts to, yet, another story) Her parents were looking at me.. So, there I was, with a marble rye hanging from the end of a fishing pole.. (Scene cuts to his closing statements) In closing, these stories have not been embellished, because - they need no embellishment. They are simply, horrifyingly, the story of my life as a short, stocky, slow witted bald man. (Gets up) Thank you. (Every memeber of the board shows some sign that George's story is most deserving of the apartment. Ricardi is crying. George turns to leave, then remembers one more thing..) Oh, also.. my fiance died from licking toxic envelopes that I picked out. (Sobs and loud crying erupts from the board members) Thanks again. (Leaves. Eldridge looks defeated)

[Setting: Newman's apartment]

(Jerry returns to get another bag of mail)

JERRY: Hey, I've been trying to jam stuff in the box, like you told me, but sometimes it says, like, "Photographs - Do not bend".