Scientists: Eastern US Less Than 1% of Planet

by The Lapine ·
Published February 20, 2015
· Updated February 20, 2015

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In a controversial study published yesterday in the Journal of Elementary Geography, scientists report that the eastern half of the continental United States comprises less than one percent of the planet. The study, released as a cold spell grips the eastern part of that country following the earth’s hottest year ever, has touched off a firestorm in segments of American society.

The paper, consisting entirely of the terse text: “World area 510,072,000 square km. Continental US 8,080,464 square km. (8,080,464/2)/510,072,000 = .008”, particularly rankled conservative members of the U.S. Congress, who saw it as both a slight to the country’s importance and a “hit piece” aimed at deniers of manmade global warming who point to the weather.

“It’s pretty clear what the report’s intent is”, said Republican Senator James Inhofe, a prominent climate change skeptic who recently voted not to accept the established science.

“As more and more Americans walk out into bitter cold weather here, these ‘warming’ eggheads are running scared. And so we get this claptrap about eastern US being 0.8 percent of the planet.” Inhofe, who has written a book claiming that thousands of studies on the subject are part of a great “hoax”, clarified that he did not believe the finding.

“We’re having our people look into it. We’ll check their math. I think we have someone on our staff who engages in that sort of thing.”

Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, whose state just moved the start of its iconic Iditarod race 300 miles north for lack of snow in Anchorage, weighed in on Fox last night.

“It’s just another example of the lamestream media, in this exceptional country, slamming good men and women, commonsense people, Saul Alinsky tactics and Obama, he doesn’t even care that ISIS is at war with us.”

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The Lapine is Canada's Best Satirical Online Newspaper. It satirizes politics, life, media and the human condition, with a special focus on Canada.
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