Thursday, January 18, 2007

But It's Good for You

Liz is no doctor, obviously:I'm always willing to give medical advice to people I don't know that well. I like to begin with "I had a friend with that..." and then I choose from these multiple choices:

and he had to have a nurse swab inside his penis with one of those long Q-Tips

but I'm sure you'll be fine

who also thought that wasn't a big deal... until it was too late

and he ended up having to get a fake nad installed

and she just slammed a book on it real hard

but after it wouldn't go away, we quit being friends

and you can diagnose and treat it yourself with information you find on the Internet

and her doctor told her to quit talking about it because if she didn't it would get worse

and she drank a gallon of cranberry juice a day and took a spoonful of olive oil every morning until it cleared up

and if you don't treat it in the first 48 hours, it starts to stink and the stink is permanent

For some reason, people believe me. But then I start laughing. Even after I laugh, which is the cue that you should not take my medical advice, people will still ask, "Are you serious?" Then I say, "Sure I am!" and laugh again and walk away. 3 out of 5 times people will come back to me and ask again. "Do you think that would work?"

My new plan is to construct a contract that looks very official that relieves me of any liability and have them sign it. I think that would be hilarious. "But Doc, this woman in my office told me it would work." To which the doctor replies, "Son, inserting a mechanical pencil into your anus just doesn't make sense." "But she had a waiver!"

On a similar note, I read today that a 28-year old woman in California died from drinking too much water in a radio station contest to win a Wii. She drank something like 2 gallons of H2O in a very short amount of time. That is sad, but that's also very "Darwin Award". I saw the article on the Internet. There was a poll attached to the article that asked "Whose fault is it?" Ummmm.... every one's and no one's? The cascading stupidity absolves all parties, I say.

Somewhere W. C. Fields is getting a chuckle from this very sad demise. It was he that so famously said, "I don't drink water. Fish fuck in it." I guess I'll have to take

and he drank two gallons of water, chased it with 6 packs of straight cherry Kool-Aid and it went away

You should be in California, that is all the news friggin talks about.

They fired all the DJ's and Producers and the family is filing a law suit against the radio station. There is also talk that they might try to sue Nintendo and Justin Timberlake, since her 2nd place prize was two Timberlake tickets.