Not a joke: Brendan Fraser starring in William Tell 3D

In case you haven’t heard, the new coolest thing in Hollywood is taking fairy tales you don’t have to pay royalties for and re-imagining them as gritty action movies set to Papa Roach songs (see: …I think we all know what gif is going here.

[Producer Todd] Moyer expects principal photography to begin October 1st at Castel Studios in Romania and on location in Switzerland.

Moyer says, “There is no other actor who is more perfectly suited to be the patriot and family man that is William Tell. Brendan was the driving force behind the movie being shot in 3D. He’s a witty, charming and very likeable action hero, and he really anchors the ensemble cast.”

“Even his mom agrees that he’s totally nice.”

William Tell is a legend in North America for shooting an apple from the top of his son’s head with a bow and arrow (it was really a crossbow). What Americans don’t know is that he’s a revered historical figure in Europe.

In the legend, Tell just can’t leave well enough alone. The local potentate of the Hapsburg monarch, Hermann Gessler forces Tell to shoot the apple because he refused to bow before Gessler’s hat, erected in a town square. Tell succeeds in cleanly (and safely) cleaving the fruit and wins his and his son’s freedom. But Gessler asks Tell why he had two arrows is his quiver, and Tell replies he was going to shoot Gessler with the second if he’d missed. Tell’s defiance of Gessler [and eventual assassination of him, according to some stories] ignited an uprising against the Austrian government which led to the formation of Switzerland. If confirmed, Anna Paquin will play Zora, Tell’s wife and Til Schweiger will play Gessler. [ComingSoon]

In the re-imagining, Fraser’s William Tell must join forces with a family of feisty squirrels to stop Gessler the greedy developer from bulldozing the forest to build a gaudy cathedral. But can he make it to the town square without stepping on more rakes?? Find out, this summer!

Aw, I miss the old days, when Brendan Fraser was just a handsome Jewish football player.