Friday, 7 October 2016

Adopt a Cannibal Headhunter Today!

The poor innocent Cannibal Headhunters of Lesser Jihadistan are in danger of extinction.

The causes of this are as follows:

First, habitat loss, owing to relentless Russian, Iranian, and Syrian
destruction of the cities which form the natural environment of the Cannibal Headhunters.

The second
threat is direct extermination by Russian and Syrian bombs and missiles, and
Iranian, Syrian, and Hizbollah ground troops.

What does
this mean? Why is it important?

Imagine the tranquil life of a Cannibal
Headhunter in the wild – he gets up in the morning and extorts food from a
civilian, thus ensuring that the civilian doesn’t get fat. This is, of course,
evidence of his keen regard for the welfare of the civilian. He then thrashes a
prisoner or two after breakfast, thus getting exercise and keeping fit and
healthy. The combination of being adequately fed and well-muscled ensures that
the lice in his beard and hair get good nourishment, making them
able to rear healthy offspring of their own, preserving a whole ecological chain
of further parasites and microorganisms. After this, he chops off the heads of a
couple of prisoners, thus fulfilling the important function of “thinning the
herd” and ensuring that the food and resources available are enough to go
around.

After a frugal lunch of stewed human heart,
which ensures that he gets a balanced diet, the Cannibal Headhunter spends his
afternoon raping a few sex slaves. This is a highly important ecological
function since it promotes gene admixture. If the sex slaves survive to produce
offspring, the young will have hybrid vigour and be hardier than the previous
generation.

Apart from this, the Cannibal Headhunter is
an important agent in the balancing of conflicting ecological imperatives. By
preventing the local ecology from
growing stable and peaceful, which in the long run can lead to overspecialisation,
he constantly churns it with violence, forcing all other organisms to adapt or
perish.

In other words, he is a vital and important part of the ecology, and if he becomes
extinct, a whole ecosystem will be thrown irrevocably out of gear.

And this is precisely what is happening
right now, as the Cannibal Headhunters are being exterminated before our very
eyes!

PLEASE HELP US SAVE THE ENDANGERED CANNIBAL
HEADHUNTERS OF LESSER JIHADISTAN!

How
you can help:

Adopt a Cannibal Headhunter, for just $100
a month!

What
your money will buy:

$100 a month will pay the monthly salary of
a Cannibal Headhunter, freeing up funds for purchases that he also requires,
such as TOW anti-tank missiles, anti-aircraft MANPADS, and beheading knives,
not to speak of video and audio equipment so he can get his messages – as well
as films of his daily activities – out to the world.

Apart from that, you will have gained the
priceless satisfaction of having helped save this rare biological treasure from
extinction!

3. A personalised certificate signed by noted
patrons of the Cannibal Headhunters, namely Presidents Barack Hussein Obama of
the USA, Francois Hollande of France, Recep Tayyip Erdogan of Turkey, and King
Salman of Saudi Arabia.

4. A full hagiographic article on the Cannibal
Headhunters, written by the editorial staff of the New York Times and the Guardian.

5. Free copies for one full year of all issues
of the Cannibal Headhunters’ various magazines and publications.

I just read that the US has laws against sending humanitarian aid to Syria. No money can go in or out, and nothing can legally go in.

Of course, this proves that the Russians were the heinous villains who bombed the aid trucks, and the proof is obvious to every decent US/EU/Saudi/Qarari, even though the US military was under strict orders to stop those criminals who were illegally bringing aid into Syria.

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