Balls, Cooper, Miliband Summit. Exclusive Transcript

By Iain Martin

It is one evening this week and Ed Balls and Yvette Cooper are relaxing at home reading biographies of Beatrice Webb and Stalin. The doorbell rings and Yvette goes to answer it.

Mili E: “Good evening, Yvette. Is Ed in?

Yvette (turning round and shouting up the stairs): “Ed, are you in?”

Ed Balls (distantly): “Who is it?”

Yvette (smiling sarcastically): “It’s the leader…”

Ed Balls (words coated in sarcasm): “Well if it’s the leader I must come down at once.”

Ten minutes later and Mili E is still standing on the doorstep. Ed Balls saunters down the stairs clutching a copy of “A User’s Guide to Tyranny: Stalin’s Greatest Purges.” Smirking, and blinking, he makes a bow.

Ed Balls: “Ah, great leader. To what do we owe the privilege of this visit?”

Mili E (sighing): “Can I come in yet?”

Yvette (annoyed, fussing): “Ok. Take your shoes off, put your coat there, don’t dawdle, get a move on, go through there and sit down. NOT in Ed’s chair. And NOT in my chair.”

Mili E takes a seat on the sofa: “Look, Ed and Yvette…”

Yvette (contorting her features and doing her Mili E impersonation): “Look, Ed and Yvette. Look, Ed and Yvette.”

Ed Balls (smiling): “Yvette, let the great leader speak.”

Mili E: “I just wanted to get us of to a good start. We’ve all been through a lot together with Gordon and whilst I know there will be tensions, I am confident that in our new positions, me as leader, you as my shadow chancellor Ed, and you Yvette as my shadow home secretary, we can overcome them. But only if, and that’s if, we three pull together in the same direction… and… and… put aside factionalism… going forward…”

Ed Balls smirks as Mili E speaks, and Yvette leans over whispering in his ear throughout.

Mili E: “Yvette, please. It’s not like the old days. Show some respect. I’m the leader now.”

Ed Balls (raising his hands, commanding silence): “Yvette, Ed is right. He is the leader for now and he must be heard. We all want the same thing, don’t we?”

Mili E: “We all want to be Prime Minister you mean…” (This briefly shuts up Yvette).

Ed Balls: “Yvette and I are not motivated one bit by personal ambition. We just want Labour back in power, under the best possible leadership. So we can continue our work improving the amount of money spent on public services.”

Mili E: “Ed. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. The improving the amount of money spent on public services bit. I am as committed as anyone to improving how much money we spend. But I also think some mistakes were made when we were in power and we must acknowledge that and apologise if we are to rebuild trust.”

Ed Balls (serenely calm): “I am perfectly happy for you to apologise for all the mistakes you made.”

Mili E: “Ed, we’re all disappointed that boom and bust wasn’t at an end after all, as you and Gordon told us it was…”

Mili E: “But Yvette, we cannot live in a state of denial. There is actually a large deficit. Couldn’t we agree that we should say we would bring it down just a little bit?”

Ed Balls: “What’s the deficit? I’m joking. Look, what did Gordon and I used to say to you when we worked together in the Treasury?”

Mili E: “Milk and two sugars?”

Ed Balls: “No, not that.”

Mili E: “Here’s some photocopying? Don’t mess it up like you did last time?”

Ed Balls: “No. Now you really are being silly. You were always very good at photocopying and we never had any grounds for complaint. I meant what did we used to say to you to explain where money comes from and what should be done with it?”

Mili E (wearily): “You said it is the people’s money, but the people need help deciding how it should best be spent. If it is left to the people they might spend the people’s money enjoying themselves. Our job is to spend the money for them, ensuring it is spent on what is actually in their best long-term interests. They often don’t know themselves what the people’s best long-term interests are. But we do.”

Ed Balls: “Exactly. The people’s money spent on the people’s priorities, even if they don’t always know what their priorities are. The people get confused, they’re busy, they listen to lies if we aren’t careful. So we have to decide for them. And this work is even more essential now, when the people are being told there is less of the people’s money to go round.”

Mili E (exasperated): “But that’s what I’m saying to you, there is less money. So we might have to spend just a little bit less on the people’s priorities or we won’t be taken seriously…”

Ed Balls (smiling and shaking his head): “Oh dear, oh dear, Yvette. I fear the leader has been listening to lies. I can see we are going to have to work hard on his re-education. Look. If there is a temporary shortage of the people’s money, because of the exploits of the banks, exploits of which we could not be expected to have been aware, we have to unlock some of the money that the people will have tomorrow so that it can be spent today on making up the temporary shortfall. Thus maintaining spending on the people’s priorities. Remember, if the people don’t have money today how are they going to create the money tomorrow from which we’ve borrowed to pay for the people’s priorities today?”

Mili E: “You really think the economic and political answer is for us to advocate borrowing more money for the people and spending it on what we deem to be their priorities?”

Ed Balls (standing up): “Excellent. I’m glad we agree. The leader seems to be a surprisingly quick learner. Thank you for coming round. Shall we say same time next week?

Mili E: “But…”

Ed Balls: “Show the leader to the door Yvette.”

Mili E: “But I…”

Yvette (handing Mili E his shoes and ushering him over the threshold): “Grrrr… I’m watching you.”

Comments (5 of 5)

Meanwhile in a far corner of the universe (well Paisley actually) the Krankies of politics, wee Dougie and his sister wee wee Wendy plot his takeover. While Ed V Ed provides the Labour Party with its Upminster (next stop beyond Barking) policies, wee Dougie can creep up the outside.

1:27 pm January 24, 2011

Turkeybellyboy wrote :

Iain - I hope we don't completely stuff up the country based on another muppet's deluded worldview. Having had Gordon impose his will on us all, it would be shame if Balls did similar :'(

12:12 pm January 24, 2011

Charles Barry wrote :

Brilliant! I can only hope it's satire...

11:22 am January 24, 2011

Mae West wrote :

"Give a man a free hand and he'll try to put it all over you."

9:33 pm January 23, 2011

DA MacMillan wrote :

And so the mantle of "the nasty party" passes with ease to a collection of arrogant, vain, conceited, vile individuals.