Currently (and for the next 10 hours) stagging on as Master Chief Barrier Technician Operator at a high profile place that has the following ingredients available, either within the facility or directly outside the gate:

* Loads of senior grown up members of various staffs and MoD administration. (although holidays now, so only a few people around, covering for others etc.)

* Smackheads

* Prostitutes (Both Eastern European and Nigerian as well as indigenous, see previous point)

* A phone

* Complete military phone directory

* Remote control that allows me to operate the gate without being visible to the person going in/out.

* A "Security QRF" (not from my unit, and not very Q)

* A medieval fortress

* Loads of foreign tourists

Any suggestions for how to combine the abovementioned into something that could possibly pass the day just a slight, slight tad faster?

They seem to be "ladies of 24/7 -Lunch breaks and inbetween business meetings specials" around here. Dunno why, could be the prohibitively high "travel expenses" they have to repay Igor and Slobodan on the corner. The lack of sleep does little to enchance their already quite poor qualities in the looks-department.

Use the remote to raise the barrier and allow the hordes of tourists into the fortress.
Then use the phone to tell the QRF that the remote is playing up. When they ask 'so what', tell them about the tourists.
By the time the QRF has arrived, the tourists will have dispersed inside the fortress, and more will be arriving by the minute 'to see where the Queen lives'.
Destroy the remote and give the phone and directory (open at the Buckingham Palace page) to the smackheads and prostitutes.

Keep a score-card for each nationality you drop the barrier on (accidentally!).
Chinese 10 points
Russian 9 points
American 2 points
French 10 points plus 5 bonus points (why can't they learn English like (nearly) every other "invader".
And so on;
(But apologise profusely if you drop it on an Israeli - they have a funny sense of humour).

Do boot and bonnet car checks on the grown up even better if they are civi's and decide to complain at a later date as they will be told to wind their neck in if there is a fit bird use the camera to zoom in on her bits as she bends over.

Does the remote gate have a speaker system on it? if so start making strange noises so the tourist/whores come over then when they have got close enough shout at the top of your voice fuck off you cunt or you have 5 seconds to stand back before we open fire. Record the the footage on the monitor via your mobile and send it in to you've been framed I'm sure Harry Hill will do it justice

Keep a score-card for each nationality you drop the barrier on (accidentally!).

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Thanks! Have already had some late night fun almost closing and almost opening the gate at random for various tourists. We also do have a scorecard for car damages, the current high score is a Black MoD Volvo carrying someone so important that he didn't have to go out himself to appraise the damage, but could send out his aide.

Are the Russians as stuck up and arrogant, even when looking like they've been dressed up by the Salvation Army Eighties Revival Squad and barely able to sputter out a "Khello" in english, at your location as they are here?

And do the Chinese/Nips have the same lack of respect for intimacy zones, often trying to touch the Guards?