Betsy Connolly of Wayland: All you need is love

Sunday

Jun 29, 2014 at 10:50 PM

"People need hope, people need lovingPeople need trust from a fellow manPeople need love to make a good livingPeople need faith in a helping hand."– From "People Need Love" by Benny Andersson and Björn Ulvaeus of ABBAThis song is about what people can give each other to make their lives better. It’s a simple song, but it has a very important message: To keep on living, we all need someone who loves us and someone who cares. Regardless of age, every individual has a need for love, intimacy and companionship (Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, 1954).Hope, trust, love and faith – the themes of the song – are also the pillars of intimacy. When we think of intimacy, we often first think of sex. But, intimacy is really a process. With time and effort, intimacy builds and bonds between people strengthen. This familiarity brings closeness, which leads to love and caring.There are many types of closeness. Emotional intimacy happens when two people feel comfortable sharing their feelings with each other. I have seen this exhibited over and over by numerous couples quietly talking while sitting shoulder to shoulder or holding hands on one of the wicker couches in front of our building. Usually the timing is early in the morning just before or after breakfast when the birds are cheerfully singing away, or in the evening on a late spring or summer day as the sun is setting. I suspect that feeling a deep connection with nature at these times of the day helps break down barriers, and causes people to more easily access their warm and tender feelings. This allows them to feel more comfortable being close and intimate.Intellectual intimacy occurs when two people exchange thoughts, share ideas, and enjoy similarities and differences in their opinions. Two of our residents have created an intellectually intimate pastime that suits them very well. When they were younger, both travelled quite extensively. Now, meeting in their late 80s and early 90s, respectively, still seeing the world is at the core of the relationship they are building.Their activity works like this – one names a country and the other uses her iPad to explore history, geography and current day events. At mealtimes, they examine what they know and what they’ve learned – sharing, conferring, deliberating and debating their knowledge, ideas and opinions. The banter they create with each other, even when they disagree, shows us all how much they enjoy the close and unique relationship they have created.Experiential intimacy transpires when two people get together to actively involve themselves with each other. They may not share many thoughts or feelings, but they are involved in mutual activities with each other. I see this type of intimacy happening between two women who sit next to each other at bingo. One is stronger and more capable, the other is cognitively with it, but physically challenged. The strong one helps the frailer one to keep track of her money and she watches all four Bingo cards to make sure none of the numbers called are missed (looking out of the corner of her eye at the other’s cards, so it’s not too obvious to everyone else). Recently, the stronger one had a long hospital and rehabilitation stay. While she was away, it was very difficult to watch the frailer resident play bingo on her own (but it was terrific that she did!). Now, the stronger one is back in her usual seat and they’ve both easily fallen back into their usual, comfortable routine with each other.At every age, true closeness requires self-revealing behavior, positive involvement, and shared understanding. Genuine intimacy requires dialogue, transparency, vulnerability, and reciprocity. This isn’t easy to achieve or sustain.For some, the fear of rejection (of losing the other person), or the fear of engulfment (of being invaded, controlled, and losing oneself) causes them to avoid seeking intimacy. Yet, wanting to be loved unconditionally, comforted, taken care of, and viewed as special, are among our most powerful emotional longings.Despite wanting closeness and feelings of love, fear may cause us to bury ourselves in a hobby, addiction or other pastime. Ambivalence breeds insecurity; one moment someone is warm and loving, and the next they are cold and distant. Emotional connection depends on consistency, which creates a foundation of trust. Without this trust, fear cannot be overcome.To keep on living, we all need someone who loves us and someone who cares. We need hope, trust, love, and faith in a helping hand. Toward the end of the song we are asked, "Isn’t it easy to understand?" My answer is, "yes, of course." So, let’s reach out and help each other to keep on living!Betsy Connolly is a gerontologist and executive director of Traditions of Wayland.