Rob, That is powerfully insightful. Oh, I'm slowed down, to the point of stopped. As to dating multiple women, maybe I have some real confusion on what dating actually is. I can (could?)be friends with many, but if I'm interested, I don't have space in my brain for more than one. I'll have to sleep on the rest. Thanks Rob

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Here's to my pretty young wife sleepin amongst the stars now they say what's hers is mine but I know what's ours is ours

I think the idea of"dating many" is a problem for those who as soon as they are having a pleasant conversation ,have switched on that switch in their head that can toggle between "this is a possibility BF/GF" to "this is the one"At that point talking with others online or meeting others feels wrong because in their mind they're already with with "their guy/gal"

I often talked to many.....I am personally very slow to identify "the one".,but have been surprised at how quickly some people flip the switch, often only to be disappointed as they move forward and learn more about they interact with a person.

I also think your reaction to dating is inate and based in your personality and experiences. If someone tried to tell me , be brave, jump in with both feet....I'd have trouble...but I stay conscious of this and try and release my reservations a little.

Find your own stride .....stay positive...laugh ,and know it may take time.

I'm sorry JeanGenie - no fun at all. This is crappy behaviour. I had a ghosting happen with a local widow - she had told me she loved me on our third date, and as we were setting up the fourth date, she vanished. I got a single "you will always be special to me" text I think two months later. It's a chicken-shit thing to do, and it hurt, but it was good in retrospect to know that was how she rolled. This guy might have had another relationship get serious and been too timid to say so, or just been freaked out (it does sound like things were moving fast). He could try to come back, either apologetically or as if nothing had happened, but I think it would be best for you to not be open to anything with him.

Rob, Thank you for sharing and your advise. I still can't wrap my head around the fact that this happened because I thought better of him (and fell for all his sweet nothings), but I guess it does happen. It's just so hard to comprehend when I think about him and our conversations. I appreciate your advise though because, as one of good friends here knows, it is difficult for me not to let him back into my life and heart. But my head knows better and it is through my very close friends that they will remind me and keep me from getting hurt again. Right now that just seems hard to do, but I'm trying to be strong.

We have been dating semi-casually for three months. Last night it became obvious after a very heartfelt honest discussion that we are in different places. Shortly before we started dating, a long term relationship she was in ended. She described her mindset last night as back to where it was after she got divorced; shut down, hurt, unable to feel. We do enjoy spending time together. We did have a enjoyable evening before and after the discussion. I know she is attracted to me physically, and she has told me I am very romantic.

I know over time she will heal, I also know that that timeframe is unknown and even after she does heal there is no promise she or I will still be dating.

So at this point I am back to online dating, I do hate "shopping" and texting, and all that is involved with it. But it can lead to good things. She is aware I am back online. We are still dating. I would so prefer to not be dating multiple women. But for my own mental health I can not wait in the wings hoping she heals quickly. Dating for me is strangely an acknowledgement of a future. It is hope. At the same time there are many qualities I see in her that are worth waiting for. . .

I am glad we had the talk because now I know where things stand and I can move forward. But I wish the talk had gone differently.

Someone on these forums mentioned that when their spouse died they also lost their sense of place and home. I so relate. I am tired and want to be home again, but my home at this time only exists in the past.

Friday I fly out to Death Valley for a week long bicycling tour. I am meeting 13 strangers there. I will be my second trip without my late wife, my first alone. It seems more like a chore than a trip at this point. Something I have to do so that I do not lose my ability to travel and enjoy life now that she is gone. Something I have to push through.

This started out as a dating vent and morphed into something else.

Matthew

« Last Edit: February 21, 2018, 08:42:50 AM by Leadfeather »

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Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God. -Corrie Ten Boom

We have been dating semi-casually for three months. Last night it became obvious after a very heartfelt honest discussion that we are in different places. Shortly before we started dating, a long term relationship she was in ended. She described her mindset last night as back to where it was after she got divorced; shut down, hurt, unable to feel. We do enjoy spending time together. We did have a enjoyable evening before and after the discussion. I know she is attracted to me physically, and she has told me I am very romantic.

I know over time she will heal, I also know that that timeframe is unknown and even after she does heal there is no promise she or I will still be dating.

LF,

I won't profess to be a relationship expert, but in my widow dating experience I have both been the emotionally-unavailable participant, and have tried to date the emotionally-unavailable. Men that tried in earnest to get close to me when I was not in that place were never going to get in, despite their patience and understanding. Similarly, my attempts to wait it out with those I saw potential in were equally unsuccessful. My advice to save you a lot of emotional energy and heartache would be to cut ties with this woman and move on. It's spectacular when you meet someone who is in the same place as you are.

Enjoy your cycling trip, each revolution of the pedal bringing healing and a new adventure.

My advice to save you a lot of emotional energy and heartache would be to cut ties with this woman and move on. It's spectacular when you meet someone who is in the same place as you are.

Enjoy your cycling trip, each revolution of the pedal bringing healing and a new adventure.

abl

Thank you. Writing out my issues and reading other responses does help me to process. I do not think I am at the point where I want to cut ties. As I mentioned we still enjoy time together, I do wish it was more, but an evening or two a week where I forget my sorrow and just enjoy someones company is still something good. As is talking on the phone and texting. In the arithmetic of relationships the good feelings being with her engender are still greater than the bad. Actually I think most of the bad feelings are still caused by my own insecurities, ones that arose after my wife's death, not necessarily from the new persons actions but rather it is from the disparity between what I had, what I have now, and what I wish I had. If however, I find that ratio of good to bad feelings ever reverses then I will reassess.

As to the trip. I am going and the exercise and sun will probably do their job.

JeanGenie I can certainly sympathize with what happened to you. I had the same thing happen to me a couple of weeks ago. I wish I could just blow it off, but it still hurts. More than I'd like to admit. I think it's not just the feelings but the injustice of it all that really bothers me. But I realized that I'm used to talking things out and compromising as you do in marriage. You know how you come back the next day and explain yourself or listen to the other persons side and you work it out. This being shut down out of nowhere is completely unfamiliar territory. So it just keeps recycling in my head.

Also, Leadfeather touched on something that I have realized about myself lately as well. About the insecurities that I have incurred/created post death. I already feel that I am at a disadvantage in the dating world. But now I see that the time I have spent alone might actually be working against me as well. In some ways I feel hardened. But mostly because I know how truly vulnerable I am. You would never know that on the outside though.

As someone else said here previously, I don't think I know how to date. Ironically I told the last guy that and he dropped me the next day. Haha, I have also learned that I need to stop being so honest and thinking out loud!

But for my own mental health I can not wait in the wings hoping she heals quickly.

This sounds exactly right. I think continuing to see her is OK, with the proviso that it shouldn't be too often because you're not exclusive and need time to meet others. If you continue to have fun without expectations, something might develop, or one of your other prospects might capture your attention. Best of luck with it!

Matthew - I hope the trip is going or went well. I have found that "taking off" no matter how uncomfortable or lonely always makes me feel better about what I left behind at home. I think it's a combination of distance and the feeling of having control over my own life. Feeling at the mercy of someone else's feelings or behavior is so new for me. (I'm talking about dating here, not other aspects of life.) Each break-up or disappointment makes me thoroughly process the relationship that proceeded it. Seriously. I seem to be emotionally behind by one man all the time! That said, it does seem to be a healthy and growth opportunity experience. I learn things each and every time I'm forced to "start again." I don't want to marry. I'm not sure I even want to live with someone. But I'd really like to have a partner. The thing is...unlike having had a marriage that ended in divorce, I have mostly thoroughly positive feelings about my marriage. I don't need to try an replicate that. But oh, to have someone who I enjoy, respect and love. To find a relationship that brings out the very best in me and allows me to be vulnerable and strong...Sigh

Yes WW I have to agree with this "But oh, to have someone who I enjoy, respect and love. To find a relationship that brings out the very best in me and allows me to be vulnerable and strong...Sigh"!I had that and would like that to but just not ready yet I guess. All in good time.Hugs

JeanGenie I can certainly sympathize with what happened to you. I had the same thing happen to me a couple of weeks ago. I wish I could just blow it off, but it still hurts. More than I'd like to admit. I think it's not just the feelings but the injustice of it all that really bothers me. But I realized that I'm used to talking things out and compromising as you do in marriage. You know how you come back the next day and explain yourself or listen to the other persons side and you work it out. This being shut down out of nowhere is completely unfamiliar territory. So it just keeps recycling in my head.

As someone else said here previously, I don't think I know how to date. Ironically I told the last guy that and he dropped me the next day. Haha, I have also learned that I need to stop being so honest and thinking out loud!

Oh Peony, I'm sorry this happened to you too. We sound so alike though in the recycling of this in my head. I have some close friends who have pointed out that I tend to overanalyze so not a good combination.

Feeling at the mercy of someone else's feelings or behavior is so new for me. (I'm talking about dating here, not other aspects of life.) Each break-up or disappointment makes me thoroughly process the relationship that proceeded it. Seriously. I seem to be emotionally behind by one man all the time!

WW, this sounds like me too! I have gotten back up on the proverbial horse and have starting seeing another guy. Maybe a bit too quickly and maybe he's just the "rebound" guy, but what do I know...I haven't "dated" in 35 years! As much as I'm enjoying this latest guy, I'm still processing everything from the previous and can't get him out of my head.

Damn, this dating stuff is exhausting! But as my closest friends keep reminding me, I'm trying to just enjoy the moment and time together and laughter. It certainly is better than the angst I felt being alone.

The trip went well. The airline travel was REALLY hard as I was always with Christine and she was always so excited to travel. So all the memories of her smiling at the airports kept going through my head as I was sitting there for hours and hours, layover suck. I had a lot of time to think as I was biking and I came to the conclusion that I want to move the relationship with A. forward, I do not want to date multiple people despite what some have suggested on the board and in person, that is just not where I am at and I do not want her to date others either.

We had a great date last night. Went to dinner and saw P!nk in concert. had a wonderful time. Twice that evening complete strangers walked up to us and said we made a cute couple. That was strange but great PR. One of them asked if we were married. I joked with her that I paid both strangers 20 bucks each to do it. Back to my place for some deep conversation and more. It was her first time at my house and it felt very natural.

It feels like things are moving in the right direction, but there is still uncertainty on her part which leads to feelings of worry on mine (I am a worrier, it is my nature, it sucks, and I am working on it). Had another conversation by phone today. She says that she feels safe with me and that she trusts me. She also is still very afraid of giving love to someone and being hurt again. Every relationship she has had has ended in her being rejected and she is gun shy. In some ways as a widower and a divorcee we are coming at this dating thing from such different directions. We discussed that a bit also. One thing I like about her is that she is completely honest about where she is feeling and coming from, even when I don't like to hear where that is, truthfulness is a quality that is so important to me.

Conversation went on and at some point she mentioned once dating a guy who never let her know where he stood. I said, alright I want to be very clear here is where I stand. I want to be exclusive with you, I do not want to date other people and I do not want you to date other people I think we have enough between us that it deserves our full attention. (yeah I know some here have suggesting not doing that but it came up and I went with it). She is not there yet, and I think it is mainly fear of being hurt, again.

Lets see what else. Last night when we were together she mentioned not being able to replace Christine. I told her that I am not trying to replace Christine, a person can not be replaced. I am not trying to replace the relationship I had with Christine. What I want is to build a new relationship with her (A.). I also tried to explain to her how I can still feel love for Christine AND feel love for a new partner. That my love for Christine is a crystallized past love. It no longer is a living growing thing because Christine is dead she can not love me back, our relationship is a beautiful piece of wooden furniture not a living growing tree. I think I got that across.

We are seeing each other on Wednesday, we were going to see each other tonight but we were both way to tired after last nights concert and not getting to sleep until 1 and 2 am then getting up for work at 6 am. Getting older sucks also. My inner voice wonders if she is seeing someone else on Tuesday, I told that little voice to shut the hell up because that actually does not matter at this point and it is not worth worrying about.

I am hoping to take her to Chicago this weekend for Museums and possibly seeing Hamilton. The Hamilton part is a surprise. She will know if her schedule allows her to go by Wednesday.

All of this rambling can probably be shortened to "it is going pretty well, not as good as want it to be, but the chart is trending upwards".

Almost but not quite feel like I get to move to the budding thread soon. Maybe. Possibly. Or not.