Day 31: Confession time

I wasn't quite sure I understood today's dare so I read thought a lot of the posts and journals. I thought a lot about different ways to address the "leaves" and 'cleaves". His parents live with us and that certainly has come with its challenges but I think what has been the most difficult from this ordeal is not involving them or running to them whenever he kept messing up. I think I felt helpless and needed their support and thought maybe they could get through to him. Didn't matter at all because he did what he did anyways regardless of how much it was hurting me or his parents. So since starting the dares I have tried to protect him and not telling his parents about his continued behaviors. It's our marriage. It's our mess we have to fix. I feel bad they are hurting. I haven't told him this exactly but I plan to share it with him.

Another thing I thought about is how I have brought to this marriage the behaviors my mother displayed and continues to display towards my father. Anger. Hurt. Disrespect. Yes, sadly I have become my mother treating my husband like how she treated my dad. I have hope that my walk with CHRIST will mold me and change me so I no longer do these hurtful, disrespectful and angry behaviors. I have shared some of this insight with my husband before.

It became clear that I needed to confess something to my husband. I met my ex boyfriend two years ago and never told my husband about it. I had lied and kept this from him and this is not me. I don't lie. I don't deceive him. I shared with him everything that had happened. Our flirty text messages, spending time with him and our plans to see each other again (which thankfully was probably a blessing did not happen), It felt good to get this off my chest. He took it quite well and didn't seem to be bothered at all by it. Instead he made comments like "that's too bad....that's it?" That irritated me because it screams to me how we are on completely different spectrum's regarding boundaries. He said it would be ok for me to kiss my ex on the lips because we had a history and were connected. I adamantly disagreed that this would not be ok because I am married and there are boundaries I don't chose to cross. GOD gave me strength not to take digs or throw things in his face that he has done. I feel like he minimized what I told him. Said it wasn't a big deal. That's him though. He minimizes everything and it drives me nuts. Overall we had a pretty good discussion. It got a little heated a few times but nothing like out past angry blow out arguments. I thank GOD for giving me grace to do this.

I shared with him that I realized i had not made him a priority in the past. I was too busy with my friends and myself. I told him I was committed to making him my priority and most important human relationship. He stated it should be GOD like the couple at the concert stated last night. I told him he was right GOD should be first and is first but I don't define GOD in the realm of my human relationships. After GOD it is him. He stated I would be shocked by this but "what if it's too late" I looked at him and said I was not shocked but that would not deter my commitment. I cannot make up or take back anything I have done. Just like he cannot either. I can only show him from now on what my commitment is through my actions. He stated something about having hope. I told him if I had no hope I would not be sitting here with him.I felt crushed that he said this but I understood why he said it. I asked him if he has thought that for himself about the affair and he stated yes. He said GOD wants people to forgive but not everyone can. I told him you are right but if you do not forgive then you live in resentment and bitterness. I think he is struggling to forgive me for treating him poorly all these years. The resentment and bitterness has built up for him. I will continue to pray for him for me.....for GOD's incredible will in our lives.....for GOD's love, peace and forgiveness.

On another good note. Things got a bit heated on our drive home because we were discussing something and I made reference to something he did during his affair. I requested a few minutes once I got home so I could just pray. That helped me to calm down and focus on being a good, loving wife. I thank GOD for all the strength, wisdom, love and peace he gave me today.

I feel sad and scared that my husband thinks it might be too late and that he maybe can't forgive me. He didn't come out and say that but I know that's what he means by the questions he brought up. His heart is hardened. Does he love me anymore? I don't know. I think when he dwells on the negative stuff then he probably doesn't have much love for me at all. I would feel that way too if I lived in the depreciatoin room 24/7. I will not let this deter me. I will continue to forge ahead. I have made it this far and have made progress. I'm not giving up now. GOD wants me to keep fighting for this marriage......and mostly for me to become closer to him by learning how to love my husband unconditionally.

I have to ask... Did you confess that situation about your ex to Christ first?

If not, why?

If you thought it was a sin enough to confess to your husband, then Christ should be first to confess to... You must make it right with Christ.

As for the forgiveness... Everyone has the ability to forgive, it is just if they choose to or not... It comes down to selfishness.

I personally do not think he is struggling to forgive you. I think he lives by the world and follows his heart. He lives for the moment.

If you think for one moment that he had an affair because of things you did in the past, then you are trying to manipulate yourself. That you must commit to prayer. Because you are now controlling things, burdens, that you need to hand over to Christ.

NO I didn't. I suck. I feel bad that I didn't even think to do that. I was so focused on what to confess to my husband that it didn't occur to me that I should be confessing to Christ first. UGH! I did that today and will continue to go to CHRIST first when I have sinned.

Yeah I don't want to get too preachy on him about forgiveness. I have said somethings to him about it. I know I must forgive him each and every day for what happened so I can have a clean and pure heart so that I might truly love him like Christ wants me to. I am in awe that I have made the changes that I have made so far. AND I know that I owe this all to GOD's incredible grace and love!

Yes I believe you are spot on about him living by this world and following his heart. I shared with him about how we have to lead our heart and do things even when we dont' feel like it. He resists and says he can't be fake or whatever cuz he doesn't feel it. So I will let him be and pray for him and let GOD take care of him.

I don't think he had the affair because of what I did in the past. I am not to blame for his affair. He made those decisions on his own. I will NEVER understand why he did what he did. I'm not sure I want to. I think maybe I tried to figure it out hoping to somehow wrap my head around WHY he would do this to me. BUT since the Dare I have given that up. There is no point to that anymore. What I am responsible for is treating him poorly and not loving him or putting him first like GOD would want me to. Do I feel that he blames me for his affair? Sometimes he says things that sound that way but then he will also say NO i don't blame you. So whatever. I have told him that I take responsibility and contributed to the problems we were having in our marriage before the affair. His choice to have the affair destroyed our marriage and all trust or faith I had in him. It broke my heart and my spirit to feel this kind of hurt and betrayal. SO here I am on this journey with CHRIST and I feel truly blessed for that. So like you said TRUST CHRIST will make a blessing out of whatever happens.

There is a reason I asked that question. Now, do you think what you "Confessed" to your husband was truly a sin? Or was it time for you to throw out a manipulation? Think hard about that. Because there are many times that we will have a "justified" reason in our thought, but truly deep down it was a manipultion.

ANd when you say that you keep forgiving him for what happened. You should only need to forgive him once. Unless it is different things, but it sounds like you are mentioning the 1 thing... The affair.

Yes I do feel it was a win absolutely. It was like an emotional affair. Texting, flirting, phone calls. It was totally inappropriate but it made me feel good. My husband wasn't paying attention to me and here was the ex listening and making me feel better saying sweet things. I felt bad that I lied about it and kept it from my husband because that's not me. I'm normally very up front and honest with him. I don't look at his face and lie like he does to all the time.

I don't see it as a manipulation? How could it be? The only thing I can think of is if I did it expecting him to feel bad and then confess more to me?? I dunno. Do I hope this will be an example for him to be honest with me? SURE. but he is also different from me so I don't expect anything will come of it.

What I mean about forgiving him everyday means I do not bring the affair up and throw it in his face. I don't berate him and go off on him about it like I was doing daily before. I think if I truly forgive him I have to ACT like I have forgiven him and also forgiven myself. I guess it also applies to any new stuff that might come up with the affair...continued contact....whatever it maybe.

In your situation with your ex... That was you following your heart! And now you can understand how the heart will deceive you. Now, take that understanding into your walk and understand that your husband is in the same position. This is all apart of listening to the blessings and situations that Christ is working.

Now I am not saying that justifies his actions. But it will help in the world of forgiveness.

In Gods eyes, sin is sin!

Now that will not make you forget what he has done... But it will open you up to seeking more of Christs comfort, because as you can see there is nothing YOU can do to get it.

Yeah in sone ways I can get that piece and my husband tried to explain that you see you knew what you did was wrong but you still did it. I get we are all human and make very screwed up choices. I guess I would counter that I did not take it to the extremes and lengths that my husband did and look at my face and lie everyday and manipulate and use me and everything else. Do I feel what he did was worse? You bet. Does it feel unforgiveable? Yes but I know that's selfish to say. That's the flesh fighting Christ molding me like you would say.

So I wanna know once you gave everything over to Christ did you continue to have negatives thoughts and images of the affair still? I turn to God in prayer when they come up but I'm do tired of them invading my mind and heart. I'm tired of crying and feeling like crap and worthless when I let myself think about it. It does nothing but plumment me into despair. I wish I could erase it all. I just want some peace. I want to be free of it. I'm struggling with this piece.

Thanks Sean. I kept rereading this today and practiced harder to go to Christ and let him handle all of it. There seemed to be a lot today maybe because I'm on vacation and my thoughts were all over. I wasn't distracted with work or whatever else. Was happening mostly during my long drive back home. It was tough but I held on to the fact that I knew Christ was with me and would take care of it. I just needed to let him. Feels pretty good to know that with Christ besides me nothing is impossible.