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Every month during the summer bears another reminder of your physical absence. July 7 marks the anniversary of the public Memorial Service at the Staples Center. I will never forget that night; if I live to be a hundred years old it will live in my memory. I did not mark the anniversary with any special celebration. I could have relived it minute-by-minute because I do have the entire Memorial on DVD, but I can’t watch it without repeating my appalling, maudlin behavior of the first time I watched it. I didn’t think that flooding my room again would be an appropriate celebration.

Yet, you overlook that there are very good reasons for celebrating that night. In the events of that night, we both were gifted. Doubt and lack of faith had overwhelmed what your spirit knew and we became separated. There was you; and there was me.

But on that night, you and I, once again, became WE. It was when we reconnected after a long, sterile, arid separation. It was the night that LOVE and FAITH triumphed over fear and doubt in your personal universe, the night when you picked up the remote and took US out of ‘stand-by’ mode.

In your tears and your confusion, you renewed our spiritual courtship and opened the floodgate of emotional and spiritual attachment you had experienced earlier in our relationship. You reached out for me, again … and found me reaching out for you.

It was when you felt my touch again after you had tried so hard to deny our spiritual, cosmic, illogical link … our ONENESS. You felt my presence that night; you didn’t know how that was possible and couldn’t explain the sensations, even to yourself. You thought your grief had, finally, tipped you over the edge, that your confusion had snapped the thin cord linking you to sanity.

[Michael chuckles.]

But, at that point, you didn’t care about sanity … or logic … or reason; you just needed to feel me near. And you found me as you had always found me before … in the music.

God bless you for opening your heart so willingly.

I know that you felt me … and heard me on the night of the Memorial Service. And you are correct. I am with you then as I am with you now. Our love’s a sacred thing.

Jan’s Sketch “Meditation” superimposed over the Moon.

More importantly, that was the night that you ‘plugged yourself’ back into the current, re-connected to your SELF and became, again, the YOU that you were always intended to be. It took a little longer for you to find yourself in the midst of your pain and grief and guilt and fear, but that night was the beginning of the ‘second leg’ of your inner ‘world tour’ of self-discovery.

As such, it is our RE-UNION Anniversary … and it is your Re-Integration Anniversary … a double celebration. It was the beginning of our Renewed Conversation.

Yes, that is true, Michael. I see your point. What a marvelous perspective to view it from. That night contained a beautiful gift, although, at the time, it didn’t seem like this world had much more to offer, that there could possibly be an “UP” from the hole of despair my heart seemed buried in. My guilt over abandoning you and my fear of a world without your beautiful light to color its skies, my sorrow at the loss of your magical presence and my heartbreak over the terrible way this world had treated you for most of your physical life … the enormity of my sorrow, hopelessness and helplessness seemed larger than my capacity to bear the pain.

You did not abandon me! You need to stop saying that! You just put down the remote, that’s all.

There is always a gift in every heartbreak. You must remember that. In the midst of your greatest sorrow, a gift lies buried in the ashes of your life that surround you. Your job is to find, recognize, open your heart to and utilize that gift.

You can focus on the ashes that remain of the life you knew; that is one option and you do have the free will to choose that option, always. As we’ve talked about before, your focus is your greatest tool; it is the brush with which you paint your reality and the universe conforms to your focus and faith.

If you focus on the ashes … on what you have lost or what has been destroyed or the ending of the life you knew … you remain lost among the ashes and it is only the ashes you perceive. Your reality conforms to that focus; ashes and dust become the world you see before you.

I am not suggesting that you shouldn’t mourn for that which you knew well that has ended. However, if you mourn your losses and, then, re-focus on finding, recognizing, opening your heart to and utilizing the gift hidden in the ashes of the endings of your old life, new growth… ever-fresh and always-renewing … rises from the ashes. Your reality becomes a new and exciting adventure and you find new thoughts, new curiosities and new expressions that you never knew were possible for you. Reorganizing your thoughts to allow for those new expressions and re-focusing your priorities to make way for the new knowledge you require to make those dreams manifest become a new life built from the ashes of the old.

With those new expressions, you create a new reality which rises from the ashes of the old reality like a Phoenix. The Phoenix is a mythical, legendary creature which has always represented transformation, resurrection, renewal and revival of spirit. In other words, SALVATION! It’s not an accident that the Phoenix so applies to this discussion. It represents the gift lying buried beneath the heartbreak.

Beloved, I so love you! Your ever-positive outlook is so refreshing!

[Michael laughs.] I so love you more.

It’s amazing that you always seem to speak so unerringly about what is happening in my life … or in the world outside of our little universe.

I’ve been feeling a bit guilty lately because I’ve been goofing off so much.

Goofing off?

Yeah, like fooling around.

I knew what you meant. [Michael giggles.]

Let me explain. I am so drawn to beautifully-rendered sketches and paintings of your face. I’ve seen drawings, sketches and paintings of you for years and been so impressed with the artists’ ability to capture your essence with pencil or paints. For so many years, I have so wanted to be able to do that.

I know that, in addition to your musical and performance, dance and film art, you are also a very accomplished artist and that you appreciated beautiful art. David Nordahl and Nate Giorgio and Brett Livingstone Strong have spoken of your talent in this medium. I’ve always wanted to be able do that, but never really learned the basics in school. My school didn’t concentrate too much effort in artistic development. Besides, I was always reading!

I never wanted to paint landscapes or animals or still lifes or seascapes or anything else; it’s you that inspires this desire in me. I want to draw and paint YOU.

As a result of never learning the basics, I always told myself that I couldn’t do this. I would always couch my excuses in phrases like, “Oh, how I wish I could do that, but I can’t.” For years, I’ve told myself that I have no talent in visual artistic expression.

Yeah, well that was your first mistake. For how many years did you tell yourself that you couldn’t meditate or visualize … or dream? How many times have I told you that you can do anything you want to do badly enough to invest the time and learn what you need to know to accomplish it? You are capable of so much more than you ever imagined … or gave yourself credit for. Do you see how you sabotage your dreams before they can even get off the ground?

Do you realize how many times other people told me that something couldn’t be done? We’ve spoken about this so many times before in these conversations.

Yes, and it is those conversations that have influenced me to shut off that “I can’t” and try.

Good! And?

Well, my first efforts were not very good. But, rather than getting discouraged and throwing the pencils and paint in the garbage can (which was a sore temptation, I must admit), I’ve kept at it. I’ve taken to heart your advice when we were speaking about the game that is supposed to be teaching me how to dance.

Jan’s sketch “Saying Yes to a Divine Presence” superimposed over the Sun Rising

And I quote: “Practice, practice, practice until you get it right. And, then, practice some more until you get it beautiful.”

Right now, dancing is out of the question. I am having a little trouble with my knee, but I don’t need my knee to draw or paint you, Beloved.

So, since about a week or two before my last day at work, I have been trying to approach a realistic likeness of you in pencil or paint. With a little practice and devotion, I’ve approached a fair likeness of you on a couple of occasions. However, those partial-successes have contributed to a new obsession. Since the first of the month, all I want to do is draw or paint you.

Hmmm … seems an awful lot like the old obsession to me. [Michael laughs.]

I know, right? Well, you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. At least, I’m consistent.

There you go, again! You need to remove the word ‘can’t’ from your dictionary. It has no reality in either of our worlds … and it just holds you back from trying new things and developing new skills. And you can teach anyone anything … as long as they are willing to learn … and put in the effort.

But, I still don’t see why you are feeling guilty about ‘goofing off.’ That’s not ‘goofing off;’ that’s practicing a new skill set.

Like I just told you … it’s all I want to do. I don’t want to read or write or do anything but learn how to paint or draw you!

Ah, I see. So, you feel that our ‘communication’ will suffer because you are playing around with painting and drawing me?

Right.

[Michael laughs.] You are so funny! And you will feel guilty at the least provocation, real or imagined.

First of all, let’s clarify definitions. The terms you use to describe your activities are very telling; you are ‘goofing off’ and ‘playing around.’

Well, that’s because it is so much fun when I get it right … or when you peek out at me from the paper! It’s such a rush!

Yeah, well … I love your enthusiasm. However, we’re going to debunk those descriptions right now. By using those words, you have belittled your serious effort to learn something new. You have infantilized your curiosity and imaginative leanings, by calling them ‘playing around’ and ‘goofing off’ (at least according to the society which has indoctrinated you.) The use of those specific terms automatically challenges the seriousness of your intention and is a clear indication of the thoroughness of your brainwashing. They indicate that you view your activities as a ‘lack of’ or, at least, a postponement of ‘responsibility.’

Playing, like dreaming and imagination, is an important part of any child’s or adult’s education; it should not be overlooked. The freedom to experiment with imagination should be an integral and important part of every adult’s life as well as every child’s. It is that freedom that reminds us of the wonder of who we are and what we are capable of; it keeps us childlike and innocent. And the enthusiasm with which we embrace those trials and experiments keeps our minds active, alert and contributes to learning at any age.

There is an added benefit. You get to create something from your imagination! What fun! You get to play God and experience the joy she feels in creating a rainbow or a multi-colored galaxy or nebula. Perhaps, your rainbow is not quite as perfect as hers; but the joy is the same.

Yeah, definitely … so far, my Michael Jackson’s are nowhere near the perfection that God achieved in hers, Beloved.

No, you don’t have to remind me about Korea. [Michael is mimicking me!]

Don’t you see that this is just another way for you to express our love … a different way to communicate something that sometimes is a little more than words can handle? It’s just another way for us to have a Conversation that doesn’t require symbols like words, which often have confusing meanings or connotations which can muddy the waters or cause confusion.

Visual art carries more emotion and bypasses the logical, verbal side of the brain. It speaks directly to the heart of the observer from the heart of the artist … in a language and emotion that both understand. It’s like music in that. It lends itself more easily to the observer’s interpretation … and leaves the artist’s imagination exposed and vulnerable.

It takes real courage to be an artist. God bless you for attempting something so new to you.

And before you apologize for ignoring me … CAN IT! You are not ignoring me. We are communicating in a more abstract … less verbal … more emotion-based way. We are having a different kind of Conversation … one to which you are less accustomed. So, you call it “goofing off” and “fooling around” when it is really just a slightly different language … a change in perspective.

Go with the flow. We are ONE!

Jan – July 19, 2012

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Beloved, another anniversary of the Day the Earth Stood Still has come and gone and we are still here. It’s a hard day to use the word ‘celebration’ to describe, but it’s the only word that applies to the events that occurred on that day. Your children marked it in riotous fashion. You would have had such a good time!

I did have a good time. What joy it is to see you all coming together in peace and love and joined in common purpose all over the world. There were events everywhere! What a party!

You were there?

[Michael giggles.] Of course, I was there, you silly woman. Don’t act so surprised. Where else would I be? I’ve told you before. Whenever two or more of you are gathered in love for me, I am there.

You experienced that yourself a couple of months ago. You commented on it during one of our conversations when you returned. Don’t you remember? You called my presence a “bubble of Love” and you described its effects in two separate discussions. I told you, at the time, that the “bubble” was more a product of your love for me and for each other and that when you are gathered together your love … joins with my love … and is multiplied exponentially creating that MAGIC.

Your love draws me to you like a magnet, calls to my soul like the trumpet call of God’s Heavenly Angels and demands my attention like a beautiful child demanding ice cream. How many of you gathered together in love for me at Forest Lawn and at Neverland last week?

I have no idea, Beloved. From the pictures posted by many of my friends, it looked like a LOT. Maybe, three hundred to five hundred? And I can’t even begin to estimate those gathered in other parts of the world.

The energy of that many of you coming together and cooperating in an effort to honor me and what I stood for is enough to wake the dead. [Michael laughs out loud.] No pun intended. Get it? Wake the dead? [Laughs again!] [He seems to be thoroughly enjoying his little joke! I just roll my eyes!]

It was like the energy that rose from the stadium and arena floors I played around the world on my tours which we’ve described and talked about in detail in previous dialogs. It changes or charges the molecules in the air. It is the most awesome feeling!

I know that many of you felt me there beside you. Many of you knew that I was present and that I was loving you as much as you were loving me. And many more of you became a bit more open to that possibility as a result of your experiences at Forest Lawn and Neverland. We are changing the world … one inch and one heart at a time … and I love it!

You saw all the floral gifts lining the roadways and approaches to Holly Terrace?

Woman, those roses could have been seen from space, there were so many of them. Their fragrance wafted all the way to Everland! And all the other flowers and gifts and cards and pictures were so beautiful … sent from every corner of the world. There was even a book there. Wonder where that came from? [Michael chuckles.]

Your love humbles me and I cry tears of joy to be so loved by all of you. It is all so moving and beautiful.

You saw the monarch butterfly release?

Of course, I saw it. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything so captivating in my life. Their beautiful, gossamer wings fanned the flame of my love as they flew past me, alighting on some of those gathered in my name before flying aloft to land on all the flowers and gifts. The joy and beauty of it made my soul feel so full of love that it wanted to burst like an overfilled balloon.

I so wanted to be there!

You were there! All of you were there! I know that some of you are still so distracted by the illusions of time and space and distance that you have a hard time believing it, but trust me … those are just illusions. They don’t exist in this place that we share together, the place where We Are One … the place where it is always NOW … and you are always HERE. When your heart is focused on me in the love that we share … and that makes these conversations possible … we are together in that space that we have created with our love.

You and I were never separateIt’s just an illusionWrought by the magical lensOf Perception …

Let us celebrateThe Joy of LifeLet us danceThe Dance of Creation

I know that you all still have a hard time believing this. I understand. You ask yourself, “Why would he want to stick around here when he could be anywhere in heaven?” Let me see if I can make you all understand.

You all know that I was a prisoner for most of my life … a prisoner to my fame. My jail cell was just as constricting as Nelson Mandela’s … maybe more so … because he could walk out of his! I couldn’t walk out of mine; I carried mine with me; it was ME! How could I walk out of me?

Okay, I admit, it was a gilded cage I occupied. It had all the material amenities one could wish for and those it didn’t have, I could buy or create! You’ve heard me speak about not being able to do so many things that most of the world takes for granted … like going shopping or for a walk in the park. A shopping trip became a full-scale diplomatic event with multiple vehicles full of security people, police escorts and weapons caches … and cash … in case someone tried to take a pot shot at me or tried to kidnap one of my babies. And I created my own park.

We’ve spoken before about the death threats that occurred on a regular basis … almost every time I performed anywhere. So, you have some understanding of that, but you can’t possibly know what living with those realities was like … and I hope you never find out.

We’ve also spoken before about how aware I was of your love, how I felt it through the hotel walls and windows, but was never able to draw it to me because some of you might get hurt or your reputations would have been damaged by me calling you up to my room to share a movie or just hang out. We’ve spoken before about some of the creative ways I had to devise to communicate with you on a personal level … like tossing hotel linen out the windows with love notes in my handwriting … or signing paper airplanes and sailing them out to you … or ordering hamburgers or pizzas for you all so that you wouldn’t be hungry … or sending you blankets so that you wouldn’t be cold during your all-night vigils … or sending my videographer out to interview some of you so that I could feel more connected with you on an individual basis, something that was impossible for me any other way.

One of the things we haven’t spoken about is one of my biggest, most all-pervasive dreams during the physical side of my life. I think it would probably shock you to know that I dreamed so often of just being able to go out and BEWITHYOU … to be surrounded by all your love … to be able to walk among you … unseen and unrecognized … just for a moment … to be able to return your gift of love with my presence and my touch and a whispered “God bless you. Thank you for being my friend.”

Even when I opened the gates and invited you in to Neverland, I had to stay out of sight, for the most part, and peer at you from hidden vantage points to watch you enjoying yourselves, laughing and screaming on the rides. I couldn’t just walk with you and talk with you and hold your hand or catch you when the rope bridge took your legs out from under you or made you feel unsteady. Someone might have gotten hurt in your rush to be near me.

Let me fill your heart with joy and laughterTogetherness is all I’m afterWhenever you need meI’ll Be There

Don’t you know, baby [yeah, yeah]I’ll Be ThereI’ll be ThereJust call my nameAnd I’ll Be There

I couldn’t do what I so longed to do. I always had to be on the opposite side of the window, not because of my desires but because of the very real possibility that one or more of you would be injured. I had to protect you.

That dream used to make me cry regularly, every day … because I knew how impossible it was for that dream to come true. Can you possibly imagine how I wanted … the JOY of that … of how I longed for the freedom to just be with you?

Occasionally, I could put on a disguise and escape the reality of who I am for brief moments, but I usually got discovered and frequently had to beat a hasty retreat, all of us … me and my security people … running helter-skelter toward the SUV’s waiting with their motors running for just that eventuality. When I tried to go out as myself, I would have policemen come up to me and say things like, “What are you doing out here alone? Are you crazy? You’re gonna cause a riot! And would you sign this for my wife?” [Michael laughs.]

Once, when I was way younger, a policeman didn’t recognize me. But it was an isolated incident. I was driving my car and I got stopped by a policeman, who said, “This looks like a stolen car.” He arrested me! I saw the inside of a jail cell on that occasion. I guess my car was too expensive for a ‘black’ man to be driving.

I wanted so badly to just be there with you … quietly … unobtrusively … without all the screaming and yelling and hoopla. But it was just not possible.

As I’ve mentioned before in these conversations, dreams don’t die! They are thought energy. They go on because energy cannot just disappear. It has to go somewhere. You give them strength in direct proportion to the love with which you invest them, the amount of love with which you visualize them, just as we’ve done with our visualizations previously in these dialogs. I brought that dream with me and, it may surprise you to know that it is still my biggest, most all-pervasive, fondest dream!

I was able to realize that live the other day (in your way of measuring time.) I was able to walk among you, unseen and unrecognized, unobtrusively, quietly, and without all the hoopla! Your love for me and honor for me bathed me in their sweetness like a warm sun shower on a hot summer day at Neverland. The JOY of that is something that I so wanted to experience all my life in the physical world! You all made that dream come true! The FREEDOM of that is what I longed for and could never know. It was my fondest wish come true. It was everything I ever imagined it would be … so beautiful. And I can be with you now in so many more ways than just walking among you.

I was able to sing a song in your ears … and some of you heard it! I was able to dance with the children who were dressed up in miniature versions of my stage outfits … you know how much I loved that! I was able to touch those who were mired in sorrow with my comfort and reassurance that “you are not alone; I am here with you.” I was able to lift them up and, just for a moment, some of them knew I was there. It was an opportunity to reinforce those of you who had come to celebrate our love and strengthen their joy in being ONE with me and with each other. I know many of you felt my presence.

And I was able to be with each one of you who had not been able to travel to Forest Lawn and Neverland … at the same time … in your own homes … in your own hearts. Those of you whose thoughts were centered on me in love … and on your brothers and sisters at Forest Lawn … were there with us, too! Because time and space and distance are just props for the play in which you are the star. I was able to be with those of you who gathered together for the monthly prayer vigil and join my prayers and visualizations to yours … I know you also experienced my presence in more meaningful ways.

I am so inspired by this expansion that we are all experiencing … this all-encompassing vastness that we are beginning to recognize and explore … together.

As I’ve said before both in these discussions and before, you are so much more than you imagine, so much vaster than you can possibly comprehend. Each and every one of you is a miracle, vast beyond your wildest dreams, talented beyond what your mind has allowed you to believe, beautiful beyond bearing; infinite, untold, unthinkable possibilities exist within each of you, just awaiting your discovery and acknowledgment.

So, get started now. It will take you the rest of your lives to delve into your potential … just to get your feet wet in that pool of potential will take a lifetime. Dive off the diving board into it! Soak yourselves in it! Don’t be afraid to get wet! You know, everyone who visited Neverland knew that he or she would be soaked in some way during their visit. That was a given. The same applies now. You will all be soaked in the pool of possibility. Open your hearts to it! Give in to me!

Don’t be afraid to SHINE, SHINE, SHINE! Don’t let your fear of the cold water dampen your enthusiasm. Don’t let your lack of faith in your ability to swim in that ocean of possibility turn you from what your heart and soul are urging you to try. Experiment! Dream! Imagine! Achieve! Dive in! The water is nourishing and healing!

Go with it!Go with it!JAM!

As a fortune cookie once told you at just the right moment, “Don’t let doubt and suspicion bar your progress.” Your luster is unrivalled by the rarest diamond; your sheen beggars the sheen of gold and silver.

You are the stars in my heaven … each and every one of you … and I LOVE YOU MORE!

Well, we got you, Beloved … we love you MOST! And this love just seems to grow and grow. It’s amazing to me. I never knew love could be so good.

Baby, love never felt so goodAnd I’d die if it ever wouldNot like you hold meHold me

Cuz, baby, love never felt so fine!

I love these private concerts!

By the way, Dear One, do you remember when we were discussing my learning how to dance?

Yes, I remember.

You told me to relax, that it didn’t matter if … well … let me quote you exactly. You said: Okay … first of all … you need to relax! It isn’t the end of the world if you miss a move or you’re not exactly on the beat the first few times. No one is watching you (unless you count a dead man.)

Yes. We need to get back to that game.

[Jan laughs.] Yes, baby, I know. Maybe, now that I am no longer gainfully employed for most of my life, we can make time for that. I’m still anxious for you to try it. But the point I was trying to make by bringing this subject up is … the other night I was watching your HIStory World Tour performance from Seoul, Korea. During They Don’t Really Care About Us, you started the march step on the opposite foot from your backup dancers. This look of pain crossed your face that said, “Oh, no … I messed it up!”

Dang! I thought I got away with that with nobody noticing!

I told you, I watch pretty closely! But, you came in on the wrong foot … and the world did not end, did it? Just sayin’