The Grey Matters

Little Girl…You Are On Your Own

Every once in a while I see something on Pinterest that gets me. I love the inspirational quotes, but sometimes they all start to sound the same and the nice font gets old. Here is one that I read yesterday, just before the new year began.

It’s not that I’ve been waiting around in my room for someone to save me. (In fact, I might have even pushed away a few people who could have helped me in one way or another.) Everything I’ve done this year has been part of my attempt, for the entire 2014, to become stronger and to do it on my own. Sometimes I do still feel like a little girl. Maybe it’s being the youngest of 4 daughters. Perpetual youngest syndrome, perhaps. Though when I do all the “adult things” my life requires, I feel like anything but a little girl.

Then I started thinking… maybe this is what we should tell little girls every night, as a little afterthought, once the fairy tale is read. “The Prince on a white horse came and blah blah blah….. oh and by the way, little girl, you are on your own.” I wonder if my life thus far would have turned out differently if that was what I’d been told each day. (I’m not suggesting you should have, mom and dad. I liked the stories just fine.)

I felt more on my own than ever before when the clock struck twelve last night. I was with a dear friend I’ve had since 4th grade, but we were with people I hardly knew and I surely didn’t have anyone to kiss.

Jess and Mel <3

Am I okay with this? Yes, absolutely.

Did I feel a tad lonely? Yes, absolutely.

Was I SO THANKFUL to have girlfriends, all of which texted me Happy New Year at some point, and to be with another strong woman who didn’t need anyone, either? YES! ABSOLUTELY!

I stood there with my swollen glands, scratchy voice and sore throat champagne ready to drink, a girlfriend right beside me, Taylor Swift shouting at me from the TV…. counted down the seconds…. and BOOM! I was in a new year.

A new year THIS little girl wants to claim as her own.

I felt a similar feeling of power/wtf-is-this/weirdness on Christmas day when I wound up doing dishes by myself. In the past, I was one of the people at the family Christmas dinner with a person with me. I was never alone, never had responsibility because I’d head home soon enough…. we had more to say…. etc, etc.

Not so much this year. This year I was the only Wilder sister who was single! Now I know how my twin sister Meredith felt all those years. She literally used to disappear into the kitchen and spend about an hour on the dishes. I never thought much of this. It just made sense. It was just what she wanted to do. Now I have a little insight. I know now that there are moments when the enormity of being alone grows just a little bit too huge and all of a sudden, you want to be more alone than ever. I collected the plates and did the dishes: my duty as the single, youngest daughter. (Like the good old ancient times!!!)

I did like it though. It’s just that these moments of solitude are never what gets photographed and framed. In between these fun holiday moments:

my nephew, Carson

Dad, me, mom, Meredith (twin!) and Tyler aka THE MUG CLUB

Meredith and I are truly bad at pool.

There were moments where I took a deep breath, took a good look around me, was thankful for my family and their loved ones, and accepted where I am in life as nothing but a good step on my road to wherever I’m headed.

So whether I’m on my own (not really…. just without a new year’s kiss!) for New Year’s Eve or Christmas Day or not…. it’ll be okay. I really don’t need rescuing.

I could say I can relate to that whole being alone thing.. and even though I can, I shouldn’t, because no two being alones are the same. God bless you with strength and fortitude in your being alone experience. And remember, even though it seems we’re all alone sometimes, there are always those precious memories and loved ones who are at the ready… Love you sweetheart…. Uncle Mark.