Sinister By Association: Evil Links Found between SB Democrats, Illuminati, and ASUCSB

According to sources close to both organizations, the Illuminati and the Santa Barbara County Democrats (along with the UCSB Campus Democrats) have partnered up to increase civic enfranchisement in Isla Vista for the November election.

The Isla Vista-centered measures and candidates that the Dems and the Illuminati have been supporting include dedicated sources of revenue, increased representation for the IV Community Services District, and engaged and experienced candidates running for office in Santa Barbara County.

A spokesperson for the Illuminati commented: “We’ve really gotten involved in voter registration canvassing because a former AS President recruited us. We originally got in on this initiative because we wanted to learn new ways to implement our own recruitment techniques from him, but it wasn’t long before we legitimately fell in love with the vision that Isla Vistans have for their community.”

But many informed critics say that there are ulterior motives. Alumnus Mason Drew Marsh says: “Why the hell would they want to increase street lighting in Isla Vista? Clearly, they want to kill the fun, beachy vibes! We haven’t had real safety measures for the last sixty years; why would we start now unless there were darker forces at work?”

The Illuminati also has gotten very cozy with the Associated Students of UCSB. This is an accomplishment considering how difficult it is to even interact with the exclusive Association’s members. But apparently, the political establishment of ASUCSB has been close with the Illuminati for quite some time. When asked about her affiliation with the Illuminati, the External Vice President of Statewide Affairs used references to Beyoncé (also an Illuminati member) to bypass the Illuminati’s secrecy rules to tell us more about the organization: “I love Beyoncé’s music! She’s such a talented artist. Wait, which OSL are you asking me about? Why did you ask me about Beyoncé?”

There are many naysayers who say that these links are just a nonexistent conspiracy being hawked by a hack tabloid. But with the help of Mason Drew Marsh, we have drawn a map conclusively showing how the Illuminati triangle had been embedded into the geography of the UCSB campus via the voter registration tables at the UCen, the SRB, and the Arbor.

We have reached out to Chancellor Yang for comment, but his office declined, saying that he is currently in the Italian Alps for a secret meeting. It was not disclosed as to what kind of meeting this is. More to come as this exposé series develops. We can’t stop, and we won’t stop, on this mission to uncover the truth.