random, fractured, heartbroken thoughts mixed in with a fuck-ton of spelling and grammatical error

Month: February 2017

You meet a new person, a potential new partner, play partner, lover (anything that goes beyond one night). Right, what can I remember about them? Their name, occupation, interests … Armed with that information you turn to Google and Facebook. Few people are that stealthy, that a simple online search doesn’t reveal quite a bit about them. We do this why? Hopefully just to check that they are who they say they are and maybe to see what they are into (or not into) or even if you have some friends in common that you are not aware of. Hopefully nothing more sinister. Hopefully it’s just to protect yourself … know who you are dealing with …

This form of cyber searching does not fall anywhere near stalking. But when does cyber snooping cross over into unacceptable stalking?

I keep tabs on my ex, K. We have been broken up for 10 months but I am still very much in love with her (our breakup wasn’t as a result of us falling out). For both our sake we keep our distance from each other. But I look at her Facebook occasionally and even friends Facebook pages for comments from her. Anyway to find out how she is … We both belonged to a “socialising group” who’s website I check to see what events she might be going to. This is both out of curiosity and just in a very few circumstances, to avoid running into each other. I need to give her space and don’t want to interfere with her new life. We are both kinky and on Fetlife. Practically from day one I deactivated my FL account. I have no need for it at the moment and I know if I was still on there I would be looking at her page and it would tear me to shreads. For a similar reason I am off Whatsapp. This is a bit of a bugger as most of my friends use Whatsapp as the day to day messaging app. But fuck it, my sanity is way more important than being able to message Jimmy or Jessica easily.

Is this snooping … fair enough? Or is it wrong of me?
I know that she wouldn’t think badly of me for doing so but what about you?

Other peoples advice on my personal life is something I have always found difficult taking. Even when it comes with the best of intentions. Even when it came from the woman I am madly in love with about our relationship. My brother is the type of person that piles up layers and layers of philosophically drenched advice like hot syrupy pancakes on a plate. I tend to ignore the words out of his mouth before they are even spoken. Or even from the insightful keyboard warrior who’s writing I treasure. It’s my life at the end of the day so thanks but I am going to do it my way …

Yet when people mention getting married or having kids I find myself advising against it every time now. I have become so disillusioned with my own life that I want to protect others from making the same mistakes. But what right do I have? Just because I have experienced both, it doesn’t make me a guru on either. Should I just shut up and let people live these two important aspects of their life without my 5 cents worth? I often hate myself for doing it. Especially for being negative (this is something that extends to other aspects of my character too). I wish I could just smile warmly, congratulate them and wish them all the best with this fantastic decision. But that’s not me.

You so often get people who have not experienced something offering up advice on that subject. I have never suffered traumatic sexual abuse or attempted suicide, so I would never offer advice on either of those subjects. The second I hear advise on parenting in particular from someone who has never had kids … “piss off mate, just shut up”! Advice on anything like parenting from someone without either the experience of being a parent or at least a career around parenting isn’t worth listening to. Sorry! But should negative advice based on bad personal experience be handed out to anyone that brings up the subject? If I mention a restaurant to someone and they come back with “Ohh no, don’t go there. I was there last week and …”. I would be inclined to take their advice. If I go there it may be a completely different experience for me, but I would most likely avoid the restaurant based on the advice I got. Parenting and marriage is a step a little more serious than the next restaurant you choose to eat at. How important is it making people aware of the potentiality negative consequences of either of those decisions? I don’t wanna be a cunt but I am gonna tell you to proceed with caution on both.

I have never understood some peoples capacity for hate. The kind of hate that would drive someone to kill, maim or harm in any way. I come from a country where that sort of hate could have easily overtaken us and sent us plummeting into civil war. But I am so immensely proud that the transition from apartheid to democracy was a relatively peaceful one in South Africa.

I did hate my father. Hated him for being an asshole and basically forcing my mother to live out her life in a country and in a manner she didn’t want to or deserved to. But that hate I felt didn’t stop me from caring for him and doing what I could to make his life easier and “repay his parenting” … my hate for him never crossed the line into abandoning him or doing him harm.
I feel the same way about my wife, who refuses to cut that marriage tie and free us both.
And the director who I hold personally responsible for me having to leave a good, stable, 5 year old job.
I hate them all but not the kind of rage filled hate that results in funerals, hospital beds or asylums.

How is a human capable or hating another to that point?

Whether that hate is based on race, gender, political views, nationality, sexual orientation, religion, economics, crime, past actions … the list is endless … and to me unacceptable! Not to the point of physical or psychological harm. And hiding behind a righteous banner doesn’t change a thing. If you hate anyone that you are prepared to harm them even if it’s for a moral cause like environmental and animal rights, female rights, children’s rights, sexual rights … then you have no place fighting for that cause!!

There are exceptions … if you were to walk around a corner and see someone beating a child with a bat then sure enough I wouldn’t think any less of you for being filled with rage and hate, and taking matters into your own hands and I would without question do the same.

… it’s really one of the easiest things to achieve. Some of the most intelligent people I know are subs. Don’t be surprised to get into a conversation with a submissive, about something of a little more substance than the weather, only to find the conversation elevate way beyond your level of understanding, knowledge or acumen. Of course this level of intellect isn’t confined to the submissive clan and can just as easily be found in the dominants or the herds of livestock we refer to as vanillas. But it astounds me how the brilliant mind of a sub can be turned to mush with the greatest of ease.

K fell within this category (past tense only because she is no longer in my life). Beautifully sharp mind but the second the rope fibers bit into her skin … mind paralysis. Sometimes to the point where the ability to use safety words was impossible. This is the point where I had to be on guard. One wrong move and there could be some serious damage. Flashback of trying to lift an unconscious body to free her from the buckles and take the pressure off the restraints. Let me tell you the feeling of having my loved ones limp body in my hands, not knowing if I have just taken her life, is not one I want to be repeating. She survived that, we survived that and our link grew stronger. As did the ability to shut that brain down.

It isn’t just confined to ropework either. A hard flogging session can have similar effects on a submissive brain. The combination of a restrained body and the neuroelectric charge generated by impact play can cripple the mind of the hardiest of subs. Many subs seek to escape to this subspace as their minds refuge from the drama, pain or turmoil their mind usually finds itself in as a result of everyday life problems, trauma or abuse. Are you looking for a submissive to give you complete submission (or close to) then neutralise that brain and let them escape into their subspace.

When I first met you … I didn’t get you at all
What were you about? All hype and no substance
Friends saying you were so great but you offered me nothing
For a good year I tried but got nowhere with you

Time passed and some new friends reintroduced us
I started seeing you in a new light, and wow …
I hold my hands up and apologise … I was wrong
What a fantastic friend you turned out to be

You basically ran my social life
You knew what I would be doing long before I did
All the amazing people you knew
And so many that you shared with me

Sharing friends, events, stories, experiences …
A true friend in every sense, you looked out for me
Not discriminating against sex, colour, kink …
You rocked my world, you changed my world

I haven’t seen you for close to a year now
Coming back to you would crush my soul
It’s not you, it’s where I am in life
But hopefully it’s only temporary

I miss you old friend
I miss those around you
I miss all you gave me
I miss you … fetlife

I can’t let you go
I love you
I love you too much to let you go
I hate you
How can you do that to me?
But I just can’t let you go
Why don’t you want to touch me?
Say you love me
Why can’t you just say you love me?
Sorry, I can’t let you go
I am going to kill that bitch
I hate you, I love you
The next time you see me and the kids it will be at our funeral
…

The ability to give your partner the freedom they desire is key but at the same time can be one of the most difficult relationship challenges.
Whether that freedom is the freedom to travel, to socialise, to escape …
But it’s a fine line. You have to ask yourself … do I love this person enough to let them do this?
My last relationship was completely open and honest. We gave each other the freedom to do as we liked. We could be intimate with other. No questions, no boundaries (well just a few) and no judging. This was incredibly difficult but giving my partner the freedom to fulfill some sexual desire if it presented itself brought our relationship so much reward. It actually reduced the desire to go off and find casual partners.
This example isn’t for everyone naturally but if your partner expresses the desire to be free to do something, loving them enough to grant them that … that is loving.