Mencken Was Right

Charlotte Allen, the Independent Women’s Forum writer who’s mostly known for a notorious 2008 column about how silly women just couldn’t help voting for Barry Obama because women are just such dumbbunnies, has “a suggestion for cutting short the GOP angst” in the wake of Obama’s reelection: The Republicans should just go ahead and give Sarah Palin the 2016 nomination right now. She’s so certain of the self-evident wisdom of this recommendation that she immediately follows it with “You think I’m joking? Think again.”

OK! We find your ideas intriguing! Tell us more! Also, do you have a newsletter?

First off, Allen needs to disabuse you silly fools of the “conventional wisdom” that Palin somehow hurt John McCain in 2008. That is simply not the case, she says, because science:

A national exit poll conducted by CNN asked voters whether Palin was a factor in their voting. Of those who said yes, 56% voted for McCain versus 43% for Barack Obama.

Myth BUSTED! Besides, look how badly Mitt Romney, the GOP’s so-called ” serious” candidate, did in 2012 — he actually garnered fewer votes than McCain in 2008, which somehow proves something about the legitimacy of a Palin run in 2016. And here is what it proves:

Gabriel Malor, writing for the New York Daily News’ blog, pinpointed another reason: By focusing his campaign mostly on serious economic and political issues such as the national debt and tax incentives, Romney failed to take into account the fact that large segments of the electorate neither know nor care much about serious economic and political issues.

OK, got that? Potential GOP voters were turned off by the serious intellectual heft of Mitt Romney’s serious focus on serious economic and political issues. Because god knows, the 2012 election was all about a sober discussion of the details of policy. So if those egghead “big ideas” don’t attract voters, what lesson should the GOP learn from the 2012 results?

Beverly Hills surgeon explains at home fix for crepey skin around the arms, legs, and stomach.

What they — a group sometimes euphemistically called “uninformed voters” — do know and care about are the tugs on their emotions, fears, revulsions and heart strings provided by hours and hours of uninterrupted television watching.

Good heavens, Ms. Allen! That is indeed an insight: A huge chunk of the electorate is made up of mouth-breathing morons. We need to find someone who will appeal to their basest emotions. How about Sarah Palin?

Allen also neatly dismisses Obama’s victory, which couldn’t possibly have anything to do with his political positions, because, as she has established, most of us are morons who vote solely based on emotion. Stands to reason, because Barack Obama is simply such an emotional fellow:

The Democrats understood how to reach that constituency. When a barrage of Obama campaign TV ads told them that the GOP wanted to take away their contraceptives or that Bain Capital killed someone’s wife, they took notice. When Obama strolled the hurricane-stricken beaches of New Jersey in his bomber jacket, they were snowed.

Of course — because nobody in the GOP was actually calling women sluts for thinking that insurance should cover contraception; that’s just nuts! Do go on.

Palin can more than keep up with the Democrats in appealing to voters’ emotions. Hardly anyone could be more blue collar than Palin, out on the fishing boat with her hunky blue-collar husband, Todd. Palin is “View”-ready, she’s “Ellen”-ready, she’s Kelly-and-Michael-ready

And no one will notice that she is not, and has never been, “putting-two-consecutive-thoughts-into-a-coherent-sentence”-ready, so she’s golden!

Still, Allen acknowledges that Sarah Palin may just face a couple of trivial obstacles, but it is manifestly evident that only Bad People (elitists, mostly) could find fault with her:

Sure, there is going to be never-ending nastiness from the left, but she’s already lived through that once. Katie Couric? A has-been. Tina Fey? Her shtick was already wearing thin in 2008.

There are also the snooty East Coast Republican intellectual types, such as Peggy Noonan, who look down their noses at a woman who doesn’t shop at Neiman Marcus and didn’t attend an Ivy League university. But Peggy made a fool of herself calling the election for Romney on Nov. 5. Who’s going to care what she and her ilk have to say next time?

If conservatives are going to start ignoring everyone who made fools of themselves calling the election for Romney, then Fox News is in big trouble! But never mind, she’s on a roll:

Some Republicans will say Palin has too much baggage from 2008, and we need to look for a new Sarah Palin. But I don’t see what’s wrong with the one we’ve got. Ever since the 1990s, Republicans have been looking for the next Ronald Reagan. Reagan is now revered in bipartisan circles, but during his presidency he was, like Palin, ridiculed by liberals. They cited “Bedtime for Bonzo” and sneered at his no-name college degree.

Sarah Palin is the new Ronald Reagan: charming and affable and unwilling to back down if she’s right. I can’t see what’s wrong with that.

Golly! Sarah Palin is the new Ronald Reagan? That certainly is the sort of bold insight that has never been heard before, except for all those times that Sarah Palin literally called herself the new Ronald Reagan every five minutes. But that is one of those snobby details that only college-edumacated elitists would point out.

The really scary thing about Charlotte Allen’s column is not that she thinks Sarah Palin is ready for a huge comeback, it’s that she has so nakedly identified the reason for it. We are tempted to call Allen some sort of newfangled Diana Moon Glampers here, but we’re already worried enough that we’ll be sent to a re-education camp after these folks take over. No sense further condemning ourselves through gratuitous Vonnegut allusions.

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).
He loves upvoting your comments but Disqus is broken and his upvotes don't "stick." Just assume he upvoted what you said, because it was excellent and witty.

No it was this line that pissed me off: "Tina Fey? Her shtick was already wearing thin in 2008."

Tina Fey's Sarah Palin shtick NEVER gets old. NEVER, Goddamnit!

Buzz Feedback

Yes, Palin should run. WIth Jim Bob Duggar as her VP.

Cleopatriot

PLEASE?

skoalrebel

If she asked, I'd be happy to join her ticket. [spit!] We'd make a fine pair of common-sense conservatives with a deep appreciation for the Constitution.

RedneckMuslin

you spelled Constitooshin wrong.

snowpointsecret

Sarah Palin is the new Ronald Reagan: charming and affable and unwilling to back down if she’s right. I can’t see what’s wrong with that.

Aww, how cute, comparing her to Ronald Reagan. You got one thing wrong though, they were both actually unable to back down when they were wrong. With your logic, Europe would now be a single country and Talkeetna would be part of Russia.

kittensdontlie

I can’t see what’s wrong with that.

If by 'can't', she means 'can', then I'll agree..

Goonemeritus

By 2016 Palin will be doing late night commercials for scrap-booking supplies.

soeoho

Admittedly a lofty goal, but she just might pull that off.
Local access TV in Wasilla, I presume.

NellCote71

No matter what the venue, she will quit halfway through.

Troglodeity

I think you've got the late night commercials right, but I predict knives and swords.

I got a clear picture in my mind of her blowing Republican voters for $50.00 per Hummer full. Or maybe she was giving hummers for $50.0 per Republican campaign bus full. I get confused a lot these days. Same as it always was, I guess.

If she runs, her choice of VP becomes extra important because in the highly-unlikely-alternate-universe-bizarro world in which she could actually win we know that she'll only actually serve about 18 months of her term.

Palin is a hag, GOP voters are neanderthals, people are dumb, the nation is doomed….

Wonkette, are you even trying any more?

kingofmeh

kind of missed the point, i think. this post seems to be not an attack on sarah palin, but an attack on someone who still thinks that sarah palin is relevant. it's as if someone suggested dan quayle should run in 2016, because he has vice presidential experience. herr doktor is not mocking the subject of the article, but the writer.

And the government can finally get some use out of the Zamboni VP limo that they had made up for Sarah.

Doktor Zoom

There is a pretty good social science paper to be written on the notion that Tina Fey single-underhandedly destroyed Sarah Palin through lies and slander, as if her parody were invented out of whole cloth, instead of connecting with an audience that already found Palin absurd.

That's easy, everyone knows that. You take Century Boulevard to the 405 North…

NeonVincent

In her case, they let any fool write for the Weekly Standard, as long as they toe the party line. As for her writing for the L.A. Times, they'll let any fool write for them as long as it gets enough page views. Yesterday, this exercise in wingnut wankery got so many, it was listed as "trending" on the paper's website. Sure, if fails as journalism, but I'm sure it made the business office happy!

Hmmm, who watches those shows, women you say? Well, I'm sure they'll be receptive to Palins message, I mean she does have a vagina and it's not like the women's vote was comically lopsided in favor of Obama, twice.

Sarah Palin is the new Ronald Reagan: […] unwilling to back down if she’s right.

Help me out here – when was that, exactly?

christianmuslin

The newly elected judge from San Diego would make the ideal running mate? Maybe they would have a chance to carry California, not!

cheetojeebus

From a now lost novel by George Orwell…

notanncoulter

I'm waiting for Sarah Palin to weigh in on this.

bobbert

ISWYDT

LibertyLover

What a Christmas Gift Ms. Allen's column is! So full of flights of fantasy and whimsy! A real roller-coaster ride of fun ideas – A first rate effort! We favorably look forward to more satire from Ms. Allen! Ms Allen is certainly the next Andy Borowitz – such cleverness in writing is rarely seen on the right side of the political spectrum.

As much as I mourn for democracy when those shows are being held up as equivalent -nay, superior to a candidate who meets with actual journalists to discuss issues (admittedly this may be partly the fault also of Mitt Romney, who had an apparent allergy to the same); I would fucking love to watch Palin go on Ellen. Something tells me it wouldn't quite be the, uhh, softball interview that Ms Allen seems to be anticipating.

For some reason. Can't quite place my finger on why I suspect they might not get along.

shelwood46

And I'm assuming in her version of The View, only Elisabeth is allowed to talk? Because if that's not the case, there may be some problems on that show, too.

Sparky

If Granny Word Salad is on the 2016 ticket, we could put Dennis Kucinich on and still win popular and electoral vote majority.

Women for War! Hate those brown skinned Muslims? So do they! Vote for Palin-Geller and they'll tun the middle east into the vast wasteland east. A middle east where Israel can build what they want, where they want, because God said so.

This message paid for by…well the Supreme Court says we don't have to tell you. God bless America.

An_Outhouse

The real crime is that this bitch gets paid by the LAT to puke up this pile of intellectually vacant vomit, and Doktor Zoom doesn't.

SorosBot

"Reagan is now revered in bipartisan circles"

No he isn't. We liberals still hate that horrible fuckhead who ruined this country.

Jus_Wonderin

What person in their right mind thinks Sarah Palin is fit to even run for President, much less win and even much more less…lead.

PopeEdgardo

"intellectual types, such as Peggy Noonan"
Can't stop giggling.

TribecaMike

So that's what cunnilingus feels like on the receiving end. Can't say I'm impressed.

Doktor Zoom

So that's what cunnilingus analingus feels like on the receiving end.

Fixed that for you.

TribecaMike

Thanks, Dok.

Tommy1733

This woman is giving women generally a bad name. I encourage all vagina owners to consider expelling her from your little club.

lazlo_toth

Lou Sarah / Victoria Jackson 2016

pinstripebindi

Funny, I don't remember Reagan quitting halfway through his first term as governor to start cashing in wingnut welfare checks. Also his voice didn't make me want to throw myself under the nearest speeding train.

ttommyunger

"You think I'm joking?" No, I think you are an idiot

mustangsavvy

Palin 2016. This is perfect – with her as an opponent, Bamz would be able to run for a THIRD TERM, against the Constitution and STILL win. In a Three-peat Electoral College landslide.

Charlotte Allen needs to be committed for thinking a Palin run is 1) possible and 2) a good idea. Sarah Palin is the most toxic politician this side of Rasputin. A Palin candidacy would probably turn Texas BLUE….! LOL

So in other words – BRING IT.

thejazzmonger

Absolutely! This should happen. Sarah Palin will be a "hot" commodity on the campaign trail. Plus, she is more masculine than Bobby Jindal.

Rarity and Harrison Bergeron in one post!? I feel faint! Stay calm and call The Doctor indeed.

NeonVincent

I tried reading this in the L.A. Times yesterday. I couldn't. It would have made me stupider.

Trinket

If this is the direction in which the Republican party is headed, I couldn't be happier.

decentcitizen

Outsized political ambition does not constitute an electoral strategy – but hey, why stop there. Have Newt run again as well…

lulzmonger

Look out libtards! Here comes PUMA PALIN PATRIOT POWER!!!

Needs more laying on the couch all day eating Taco Bell.

Hate to ruin Charlotte's panty-punching party, but I'm pretty sure Tundra Grifter knows damn well her "Sexy Librarian" appeal is long gone, even if she's still in denial as to just how deeply most Americans hate the sight of her. Also too as well, being a national celebrity who's been pulling buku money doing SarahPAC, TeeVee & public-speaking spots & pimping her kids merch, Governor HalfTerm doesn't strike me as yearrning for a pay cut that comes with an extremely high-stress job where you're on call 24/7.