Amy Schumer: What I've Learned

Comedian, 33, New York City

On April 1, the second season of Inside Amy Schumer debuted on Comedy Central to monster ratings.

The difference between sex and love is I've never come from love.

I get labeled a sex comic. But if a guy got up onstage and pulled his dick out, everybody would say: "He's a thinker."

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When you do stand-up, you're kind of alone all day. Maybe you go get something to eat in the town you're playing, but you're alone. Then you go onstage and you're weirdly alone, even though there could be thousands of people in the room.

I don't do much thinking in the shower. It seems really inconvenient because of the lack of proximity to a writing device.

The best part of the Comedy Cellar is that everybody's just waiting to completely trash each other. I would give every dollar or donate every organ to someone who needed it in the Cellar, but also insult them within an inch of their lives.

Boxing is like stand-up. Getting hit in boxing really made me feel stronger as a stand-up, because it's like having your worst fears happen to you. That gives you power, because you're no longer scared of it happening anymore. You got hit, and it hurt, but you're okay.

The best advice my mother gave me was to "be a lady." But I never really knew what that meant, and obviously didn't take to it.

I only met Joan Rivers once. But when she passed away, it felt like a part of me went away, too.

I heard she was joking about her husband's suicide the day it happened.

The moments that make life worth living are when things are at their worst and you find a way to laugh.

It's hard to really wrap your head around what's going on with Kim Kardashian. She's the closest thing we have to Marilyn Monroe—I'm sure she thinks about that every day. And she has an ass that you need to consider. You can't just glance at it. You need to take some time and think about it, you know? She has cameras on her all the time and yet we still want to see pictures of her.

My eighth-grade English teacher would tell you that I was a breath of fresh air. My eighth-grade math teacher remembers me as a face on a dartboard.

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I got labeled class clown. Teacher's worst nightmare. That was very confusing to my English teacher. But then all the other teachers said: "Oh, no, she is a nightmare."

Barry Mendel, who produced a lot of Wes Anderson's movies, said to me the other day: "You really aren't someone who's in it for the spoils." And that's totally true.

I like making things. I like working on them. I want people to see them. But I'm not so excited to leave my apartment the day after they do.

I've had some famous people say, "Let's hang out." And I'm like, "I can't. I just want you to like me too much."

It's hard to date people, even when you like them, when you just want to be on the fun bus.

A conversation with Jerry Seinfeld changed my thinking on burning material after it's been used. He's like, "What is it with your generation thinking that everyone's seen everything? There's kind of an arrogance to your generation thinking that. It's really not that big of a group who's seen the material. If you perform in a theater, 25 percent of the crowd has seen you before and the rest haven't. So it's better to give them your best jokes." That's definitely affected my thinking—it's just about putting on the best show. Now, I wouldn't repeat a joke I did on Comedy Central. But Jerry changed my thinking about live shows.

I hate any sort of awkwardness or small talk. That's why I like comedians so much. If we do small talk, it's like we're doing a bit.

It's been a life-altering year. But I guess every year for everyone is a life-altering year.

I was on the road for ten years, a gypsy with a lease here and there. The most expensive thing I owned was, like, a bicycle. I just got an apartment in New York. It's the first place I ever owned. I'll never forget. I cooked a meal for myself, a veggie omelet, and made myself a cup of tea. And I almost cried how good it felt.

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