The Telltale Signs Of Florida Spring

Boy, did Mother Nature ever fake out the azaleas. One day Orlando looked like ground zero after a direct hit from a neutron bloom bomb. It was a city splattered with red, pink and purple.

Then, while the flowers were sunbathing, they got sucker-punched by a roundhouse cold front from Canada. Pow, right in the petals.

Of course, there are a good many people who feel just as duped as an azalea. These are the guys who wore shorts to the movies on Saturday and sweaters towork on Tuesday.

Still, no matter what tricks the climate plays on the fauna, flora and fools of Florida, spring is undeniably here. Winter is kaput, even if the calendar insists that the first day of spring is three weeks away.

The official first day of spring has more to do with celestial physics than earthly reality, anyway. It's something invented by astronomers to describe that one day in March when the sun is directly above the equator. We call it the first day of spring because that's easier to pronounce than ''vernal equinox.''

''Vernal'' is Latin for ''of spring.'' ''Equinox'' refers to the two days a year, one in the fall and one in the spring, when day and night are of equal length.

But in Florida, equinox refers to the two days a year, one in the fall and one in the spring, when it's not hot enough to turn on the air conditioning and not cold enough to turn on the heat.

The encyclopedia says, ''Spring weather begins in much of North America with the melting of winter snow . . . Tropical regions do not have great seasonal changes.''

Tell that to an azalea.

Floridians don't need sludge and slop to know when it's spring. The evidence is everywhere. Some of the changes are subtle, like a whiff of orange blossoms in the air. And some are more blatant, like a postman baring his knees.

You can tell it's spring in Florida when:

-- You discover that you've painted the windows shut.

-- People getting over the flu catch hay fever.

-- There's a run on manure at Handy City.

-- You turn on a ceiling fan without burning something in the kitchen first.

-- There's cat hair everywhere.

-- Wet 'n Wild reopens.

-- Daytona Beach turns into a college town.

-- The bums go north.

-- The baseball players come south.

-- Men bring their wives flowers for no good reason.

-- The trees lose their leaves. (In Florida, spring looks a lot like fall.) -- People clean under the bed.

-- The 7-Eleven carries kites.

-- Albertson's sells garden hoses.

-- Men start wearing short-sleeve shirts to work even though they have a clean long-sleeve shirt in the closet.

-- Videocassette rentals are down.

-- Absenteeism in businesses with windows is up.

Astrophysics aside, the true first day of spring is that day when you step outside, feel the sun on your face and the breeze in your hair and suddenly remember just why it is you live in Florida.