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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

I'm pretty sure most one-year-olds will never remember their first birthday cakes, which is why I'm here to provide an invaluable service: reminding little E.J. that her (yes, her) parents got her this:

This next one isn't a first birthday cake; it's a christening cake. So little John was, what? A couple of days old maybe? Right. SOMEONE GET THAT KID A GUINNESS.

Honestly I don't know what all is happening here, or what in that mess is considered edible. And I think I spied a tiny plastic poodle in a Santa hat in front of that tree stump with a face before my brain broke.

(ACTUAL CONVERSATION I JUST HAD WITH JOHN:

John: [seeing cake] "What is THAT? Hahaha! He must be Irish, huh?" Me: "What?! That is a terrible stereotype! How dare you!" John: "There's a pot of gold and a shamrock." Me: [looking] "Oh. Right. Ok, maybe they're Irish.")

"But you look good for your age, Levi. Really. And hey, one is the new six months! I read it in Vogue!"

Something here just doesn't add up.

And finally...

Please let his last name be Johnson. Please let his last name be Johnson. PleaselethislastnamebeJohnson.

Reader Comments (73)

The "Over the Hill" cake could be for a baby who was sick and they didn't know if they would live past the first year. I hope it is that, because otherwise I have no explanation.As for the baby sucking on a bottle of beer ---- there are just no words. O. M. G. !!!!!

One cake abominationAt an inappropriate ageOne thrilling fruit sensationTrack the moves the deer makesOne sip and suddenly formula Just. Won't. Do.You know he'll never be lonelyWith Santa PoochOne moment 'til his presentsThen Levi can take a restRichie's cake is second best to ONE, Son.Ooh, sigh, standing at attentionDo I really need to mention?Peter's ----- ONE!

Perhaps that christening cake is for a blessed child being baptized into a religion unknown to us. Pots of gold and poodles and Guiness may be important symbols of the faith. That sign sticking out of the flower pot almost certainly presents some verse from the sacred text: Drink not of the guiness as you sit upon a throne of white lest ye bow down before the shamrock." That sort of thing.Whatever it says, show that cake some respect. If there's one thing I've learned from posting here, it's don't mock something you don't understand or someone out there will threaten to cut you...

I'm surprised that the only critique of "field and stream" cake is that it is inappropriate ... what about the fact that it says "Happy Birthday 1st"? I have to assume the squiggles where the name would go are due to the fact that the child is a relative of Prince, and therefore was just given a symbol for a name. And the 1 candle is on backwards ...

As the mom of boys, I can attest that age one is not too old to have discovered bananas. I think it started at about 8 mos~ the diaper would come off (during a change, or, you know, because they also discovered how velcro tabs worked, too), and the hands would automatically grab on for dear life.

I never thought to go with THAT as the first birthday theme, however. And there were monkeys on that cake! I think that is known as a missed opportunity. ~C

Actually, as the mother of three boys, I can tell you that one is about the age when they discover their bananas. Really, the very second that diaper comes off, their hands are down there. It was even their favorite bath toy. just fyi.

Sorry to be the first to point out the blatantly obvious; the but the poor drinking kid's birthday was ST PATRICK'S DAY. See, it's even written on it. That explains the Guinness, the clover, the pot of gold...but still leaves in the nagging question of the Santa. Unless that is the best they could do for a leprechaun? And, that MAY be a lucky horseshoe, but it bears an uncanny resemblance to the molds orthodontists use for making braces.**Shudder**

The hunting cake must be a so-called "tribute" cake to the dad. Kind of like "Little SJ will be a chip off the old block; he'll be a hunter, too!" @-@ Rolls eyes.

The christening cake is so confusing to me. Does christening mean something different than what I think it means? What's with the wishing well? Why is there a Moai (at least, I think it's a Moai) sitting next to the beer drinking baby on his shell throne? Horseshoes and shamrocks for good luck? I don't get it. If someone understands, can they please explain? Because I'm seriously confused.

On the flip side, if you get lucky charms and Guinness when you get baptized, that is TOTALLY a religion I want to check out.

#4 - i guess that's what happens when you christen your baby on st patrick's day? i think the poodle is actually a leprechaun? maybe? it would fit right in with all of the other ridiculous st. patrick's day imagery. though i could have sworn ireland was that emerald isle and not the vomit-y brown isle.

Yep, many little monkeys discover the fun of playing with a banana even before they reach the ripe old age of six months.

Ah well, at this age I'd rather they play with that than shoot firearms at woodland creatures, or guzzle Guiness. Plenty of time for that once they are over age 5 and finally stopped grabbing at mom's hooters for snack time. ;)

But... but... but... I'm really trying to understand these but it hurts my head. The longer I look at the Irish Christening cake the more things I think I see. The leaf (???) looks kinda like a weird green bird. If you squint your eyes... after you spin around in your chair 5 times really fast. As for poor Peter, that boy's got a lot to live up to! O.O

For some reason, the "Happy Birthday 1st" bothers me more than getting a Bambi-life-lesson cake for a one year old.

(I know, I know, there's so much more to criticize about the cake, too... the 1 candle is backwards, there's no explanation for outlining the main river, the random tributary, the inability to follow the shoreline with the grass/shrubbery... Jen you really have a "what not to do" lesson on your hands on so many levels. I foresee this in many other posts.)

I thought I had something to add to the conversation, but someone beat me to all of it: Boys and their bananas, poor little first S. J. with his backward candle, all of it. But what's with the floating canonballs on that over the hill cake?

And I'm pretty sure 12 isn't too young for a male stripper. No, really. HOnest... The DCPS people told me so. (Or maybe it was the voices - I get them confused, sometimes... And they mostly come out at night. Mostly...).

You lose a little duck with each verse until the daddy duck quacks a lot louder and they all come back. And I can't believe my memories of preschool are that vivid.

I can understand a St. Patrick's day theme for a christening on March 17th, but why couldn't they just stick to shamrocks and leprechauns and skip the baby with the giant Guinness? My (Irish) family always jokes that the Irish get started young, but there's no need to advertise it!

And why, if you named your son Peter, would you order him a cake that has any chance whatsoever of looking like...well...a peter?

At least Peter Johnson (son of John Thomas)'s cake decoration has a wide, flanged base. One is too early for those embarrassing trips to the emergency room (Things I Learn From My Patients is the best forum ever).

" Tom, Tom, he was a piper's son, He learned to play when he was young. And all the tune that he could play Was over the hills and far away; Over the hills is a great way off. The wind shall blow my top-knot off."

#1 Perhaps this was a phone order (with a bad connection), and the customer is from Indiana. If I advance a snarkier theory, sure as...well, anything, the real customer will chime in with some perfectly innocent explanation that leaves me feeling like a rampaging Hun.

#2 That guy in the background is striking an amazingly similar pose. Moving right along...

#3 Amused, I am. For openers, it seems this cake was edited several times. One can only imagine what the earlier versions were like. We have a literal: a stream in a field. I really like the realism of how the stream intersects the river at right angles. The cute animal is actually a stationary target, and what people take to be a backward '1' is really a flag showing wind direction. Thus, this is a practice range. Elmer, there needs the practice, too -- if he were to actually fire using that grip, the rifle would wind up about 20 feet behind him.

#4 Oh, Saint Patrick's day. That explains the jungle backdrop, the sand and water, the 'throne' and of course, the tiki. Maybe all of those things were just inferences following on the fact that Patrick ministered in Ireland, which is an island.

#5 My, look at those little swimmers go! Maybe Richie (or is it "Ridaic"?) has a twin of the same name who preceded him.

#6 I read this literally and came up with two possibilities. One is a really unfortunate medical condition, but the other is the world's longest running children's show: Blue Peter (thanks, Wikipedia!).

Cake #1 - Not actually that bad, but... SERIOUSLY? WHAT THE HECK??? HOO did this???

Cake #2 - ...hey, it can always get worse, you know. What if they put some filling in that "banana"? Do the math.

Cake #4 - To me, it looks like the baby is inhaling the guinness. As for the baker and/or the parents, I guinness guess they also inhaled something. Maybe not exactly alcoholic, but worked just as well (if it is possible to say such a thing);

Cake #5 - Aww, perhaps the drawing is not that great, but, aside from that, it is a rather nice cake;

Cake #1: It's probably a new hooters restaurant celebrating it's first year in Biz. We did this for a horse stable I ran- had a cake to celebrate with all the employees but we had the baker write "Celebrating Our 1st Year".Cake #2: I think the monkey is a little weird but hey... what ever floats your bananas.Cake #3: All I can say is... poor kid. *sigh*Cake #4: That's just messed up... I can't even go there.Cake #5: Levi's 51st birthday maybe? I mean I stopped counting after my 30th birthday and decided to start all over. BTW I'll be 10 this year :)Cake #6: When will people learn that "cupcake" cakes- rarely work even IF you get the math right.Cake #7: I can just picture family and friends gathered around... whispers abounding "is that a penis cake?" ... "looks like it is"... gasp... "are they trying to tell us something here?"... "what does it MEAN?"...

You notice that Guinness baby is not messing around with his banana! There's a lesson there, parents. I'm just sayin'.

Looks like EJ's parents have her career path all laid out for her. No need to save for college, but if Mother Nature is not generous they might want to see if there are 529 plans for breast augmentation.