Fears, Aspirations, and Asking For What I Need…

Well… ok, a few things. For one, some of these entries are planned. Typed directly onto this document for the purposes of building a blog post. And some of them have been recorded directly from my personal journal.

2nd? I’m not going to edit.

Will this blog post be any good? I have no idea. But the best thing I can offer the world is my self-expression. So at the risk of looking like a crazy person and a shit writer, I’m going to do this anyway.

Wednesday

My Aspirations

I am coming to terms with the fact that I am a creator, and I need to create.

What’s stopping me right now? My fears of the things I’m not good at and my inability to be assertive about what I need.

Exhibit A: I miss songwriting. Goddamn, I really love writing songs. But I hate promoting them. It’s just not my area at all.

Honestly, I just love the way it feels to write and to sing. I’d be happy to do shitty piano covers on YouTube and have a relatively small audience, throwing in the occasional original.

Oh, I’m also completely a novice when it comes to production.

Seems like an easy-ish fix, right? “Ada… just hire someone to do that shit for you”, you’re probably thinking to yourself.

Totes. I agree. But I’m also scared shitless that I have no idea what’s good for me or my brand. I’m scared to take the plunge, fearing that the project will morph into something that isn’t me.

And I really can’t afford to lose what I have found of myself.

So… any musicians out there got suggestions for a (pretty bomb, if I do say so myself) singer-songwriter who’s terrified of working with others?

Like, I’m scared that people will discredit me because I ‘only sing’ and don’t play an instrument. Probably because the last project I worked on, it was crucial that I learn how to play something… even though I’d been studying classical voice for damn near 9 years (almost 11 now).

Oh, and did I mention I’m a triple-threat? Sure, I’m a little dusty, but I dance and act, too.

Thursday

I Love My Meditations

The meditations are broken up into 3 different parts: deep breathing, body scanning, then focus on the breath. And I think that last part is the longest. Like, everything else is a preparation for that.

During that part, you have the option of simply focusing on your breaths or counting them in increments of 10. So the inhale is ‘1’ and the exhale is ‘2’ and so on.

Now, thanks to the different packs, you’ll have all these basics PLUS specified layering of exercises for whatever pack your using.

For instance, I’m in that anxiety pack, right? We started with everything I learned in the beginner pack, then layered on noting.

All this means is that when I start to get distracted by a thought or feeling, I simply note it as Thinking or Feeling. Next layer is to label these thoughts and feelings as pleasant or unpleasant. THEN we can start actually identifying what the feelings may be.

You don’t use possessive nouns when doing this, either. Avoid saying to yourself ‘I’m feeling’ or ‘I’m thinking’… the thoughts and feelings aren’t you. They’re there whether you focus on them or not.

It sounds a little complicated when I try to explain it here, but the app does these cute little animations that explain each layer thoroughly.

If you’re like me and you really need something to help you break meditation down to basics, you gotta download the Headspace app and try it out for yourself. You’ll love it, trust me.

Friday

Do you ever just want to escape your world?

Now, I know this seems dark at first… ok, it is dark… but then I really thought about it.

Like, sometimes I just need a break from myself and the place that is my world (as it exists in this moment). You know?

It’s why I meditate. To try and sort through the stuff that’s temporary and regroup in a place that’s real.

My consciousness… the consciousness. I haven’t quite been there yet, but I think I’ve seen glimpses of it. It’s not a place or a thing, it’s just at the center of everything.

I mean, we are all made of stardust, right? And the consciousness in our brains… it’s all a system of electrical signals firing as a result of the energy we have from our solar system, our universe, right?

Correct me if I’m wrong, I may sound like total shit, but Holy SHIT… can you believe that all of this, everything around us, is just a super intricate organization of stardust?

I can’t quite explain it, because I’m no science major… FAR from it. But I get it.

We’re all made from the same stuff as everything else. And when we expire we’ll go back to it and something will grow in our place.

Maybe everything is just a transference of energy from one organism to the next.

ANYway, I find this almost more comforting than any religion. We are drops in the ocean, but the drops are the ocean. So anytime I get sick of the stuff in my life, I can go back to that place and remember that it’s all just drops in an endless ocean that we haven’t even begun to understand.

Tuesday

I’m Still a Lazy POS…

… well, not lazy, per se. Just a procrastinator.

Ok, ok, I did sing for like an hour and a half tonight. But I also spent 3-ish hours watching Grey’s Anatomy clips and stalking Tom Holland on YouTube.

But, I also spent some of that time scanning music-related stuff. Videos about opera, following hashtags on IG, scheduling content. I’m not entirely on my grind yet, but I feel like I’m getting somewhere.

So maybe this blog series was a great idea. Because I’d like to think I get a little better at the end of each week.

List of International Suicide Hotlines (courtesy of the International Bipolar Foundation)– Please, please, PLEASE do NOT hesitate to find your hotline and call if you think you need it. You are NOT alone <3 .