Dear Gay Men of Color: Stop Begging Racist White Gay Men to love you.

If I read another rambling think piece or watch another whiny YouTube video about some dejected and rejected Black Gay Man (or any other ethnicity of gay man for that matter) waxing poetic about how racist it is for White Gay Men to rebuke them based solely on race I am going to smash my head through a wall, seriously…

What is wrong with you people?

Are you that enamored by the white gaze and white supremacy that you will willingly subject yourselves to overt racism and constant microaggressions in order to be accepted by men who literally view you as a sexual fetish and nothing more?

Before I go into it please watch this video of an Asian Man (and a good looking fella at that) pleading with his “friends”–that he clearly wants to be more than just friends with–to stop being racist towards him and other Asian Gays…

Chile, I barely got through it. And if you search for them you will find a glut of these videos with men of color imploring their white counterparts to stop being racist towards them…

“White men, please stop objectifying me for my dick. I am a Black Man I am more than a dick.”

Or

“Dear White Men: Not all Asian Men are (insert every single Anti Asian sentiment that you’ve ever heard or seen in the gay community. Trust me there are a plethora of them)…

Or the most popular, which is clearly pandering, “Dear White Gay Men: Please stop basing your preferences on race.”

I’m sorry but I really don’t understand this foolishness. Perhaps it is because I’ve never willingly subjected myself to this. 99% of the men that I’ve dated (and still date) are Black Men (specifically other African Americans. Although I’ve dated a few dudes from abroad too). Overwhelmingly, that is what I am most attracted to and I’ve no shame in that. Granted, I’ve dated a couple of white men here and there but I wasn’t completely into the few I’ve dated so it fizzled. Primarily because, without fail, they would say and do certain things that were TOTALLY racist, and they had no clue until I came right out and told them, “Hey, that was fucked up.” So, to that end I refuse to put myself in that type of situation nor am I going to act as a race relations professor in a relationship. I want to experience: love, joy, sex, and romance in a relationship, not blocking microaggressions that will inevitably occur. Again, I am open to the possibility of interracial romance (especially if it is Chris Hemsworth. Uhm YUMMY); however, the white guy in question will have to be a super special snowflake amongst the intensely RACIST microcosm that is the Gay “Community.”

Many gays seem to labor under this mass delusion that simply because they know what it is like to be excluded from hetero-normalcy that somehow they GET IT. They believe that they “get” what racism is, how it works, and that it can’t possibly ever be them. Most white people, gays in specific, believe that being a racist means dressing up in a Klan outfit, burning crosses, and saying “NIGGER” in front of a black person. Otherwise, it was just this horrible occurrence that was abolished when Lincoln freed the slaves and MLK said, “I have a dream.”

However, what we fail to understand is that, before we are gay, we come from the same White Supremacist pathology that saturates the united states of America (the globe for that matter, but for the sake of this writing I am using America for specificity). White Gay Men are still, first and foremost, White Men in a society that privileges Whiteness and Maleness, period. They grow up in the same culture that prioritizes whiteness and degenerates blackness. They grow up in the same racist communities that their heterosexual counterparts do. They have that same racist white uncle who makes anti Black/Asian/Mexican jokes at holiday dinners. Before anyone knows that they are gay they are first and foremost white, and by proxy, whiteness is central to their identity…

Which is why I do not understand you Black and Asian men, with your GRINDR accounts, looking to hook up with White Men (because in certain regions GRINDR is totally white) and being disgruntled when you see, “No Blacks, No Asians, No Fats, No Fems…Just a preference” on every other profile. What do you expect? The gay world prioritizes White Frat boys with blond hair and chiseled abs. You don’t fit into that all. Instead most of them see you as a fetish or potential flavor of the month. When they want to indulge their “Kink” more often than not you are the kink. But hey if you are one of those Negroes that enjoys being fetishized by white gay men then more power to you, nobody is stopping you. But be honest with yourself and stop placing this onus on racist white men.

Racist white men are going to do them (literally and figuratively). Racism, sexism, and all of the other isms do not impact them. They live in their little bubble where the only thing they’ve had to overcome is homophobia. So when that is no longer an issue why do you think that, all of a sudden, those who are raised in a macro-system that prioritizes them and denigrates YOU, they are going to give you their unrelenting support, including their asses, dicks, and hearts? No, that is not how racism and privilege work boo!

What I implore Black (the entire diaspora), Asian, Non White Latinos, and various others to do is to begin unpacking their own baggage. Why is it so important for you to acquire the affections and attentions of white men? Granted, this is a rhetorical question (we are all mired down in white supremacist pathology) but why don’t you stop to think about where it all comes from.

What would make you sit in a room full of white men and listen to, “Not to be racist but…” (and everything that follows will be vehemently racist)
Why would you want to be viewed as just your Big Black Cock and how you fuck or your stereotypical ability to be the submissive Asian bottom?
Moreover, why do you willingly and continuously reject beautiful men that look like you and have more in common with you just to acquire the white gaze.

If you say that, “It is just a preference” you are a damn liar. Preferences are acquired. They don’t happen in a vacuum. Preferences are like ice cream. I may PREFER vanilla but occasionally I am willing to try Strawberry and find that I like it too. Preferences can and do change and the idea that someone can be born and raised in a Black and or Asian community and suddenly grow up to ONLY “prefer” people who do not look like them as lovers and partners is indicative of a larger issue.

So before you write the next maudlin think piece about why racist white men don’t want you (easy, it’s because they’re are racist) ask yourself why you don’t want yourself. That is the most important inqueery (misspelling intentional. I just thought that was cute).

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I really enjoyed this blog. That was me for sure. I loved white guys. I only had eyes for them. When they didn’t want me I blamed it on racism. Now I’m older, and hopefully a wiser, I find the non-white SUPER sexy. I still like white guys but more often than not my penis (like a compass needle) points straight to Asian guys – my people – and all the other non-whites. It’s so much more satisfying to enjoy more than the basic offerings. I say bring out every color and shade

Why is it okay for a gay white man to proudly announce that they are racist on a public platform?!
Why is it okay for a white man to publicize racist remarks on an open dating website like grindr?!
All I’m getting from this article is that people of color should just shut up and take a seat because it’s okay for a white man to discriminate against someone because of the color of their skin.
Preference or nah, stop creating room for racism!
I believe, the only way people can cut through racial divides is through education. Teach these white people that you do not accept their choice of words because they are racially offensive!
Call them out on their bullshit , and make a video of it!
I absolutely hate it when black people bring down other black people because they are too afraid or too ignorant to face the white man.
I also absolutely hate people of color who have the words “whites only ” on their profiles!
You need a belt! And a mirror!
We need to foster a culture of racial equality in the gay community!
Can you believe that down here in South Africa, every page of every Gay magazine is a picture of a white man. That’s because it’s okay for a gay white men to say things like “whites only” because to them, they are the master . It’s the norm in the gay community, and men of color are expected to take a seat pand shut up because they are not attractive enough to catch the eye of any man (regardless of race).

Note From Prince: I don’t need to teach white people shit. They’ve had 600 years to learn that being racist is shitty. They still don’t get it. So I am not wasting my time.
You go ahead though.

Often times for queer PoC in rural areas, there ARE no other options. It’s the racist white boys or be utterly alone, which nobody wants. I cannot imagine refusing to date someone because of their race, and if I had, some of the most wonderful (and one of the most horrible) relationships I’ve had would never have happened.

The fetishism problem is also an issue. I’ve had male friends who said they would totally fuck a black guy, but would never date one, and my jaw just… hit the floor, and soon after learning that about these guys, I discovered more incidents of racism and… well, they’re not my friends anymore.

Note From Prince: I’d rather be alone than lose my self respect and esteem.

Hei Prince. Very interested piece of writing that made me kept thinking. I´m a Spanish citizen, but with Latin-American background, so in a way I understand what it feels seeing yourself “different” (specially when I was a kid and though that to fit with the others (spanish, white kind) I needed to try to look as similar as they do and even reject my history. Although when I grew up, I understood that my origins made me different, even more interesting).

I may not understand what is to be from a different ethnicity in the States, but I feel that your comment is as discriminatory, as those of white gay guys in search of a fetish. We need to start crossing the line of stereotypes, backgrounds, and physical appearance and get to know each person, as an individual. I agree that dating a “white” guy doesn’t need to be an objective to aim for, but rejecting them just boosts the idea of “supremacy”.

Anyway, I think that empathy is the main solution. Those that already crossed the line of tolerance and are accepted in the world as gay guys, first, they don’t need to forget the difficult path they´ve being through (or not), second, we are never safe and whenever we get out of our confort-zone we run the risk of going again to the starting point and being victims of bigotry again.

Just my personal thoughts. I normally don’t write comments, but I felt the need this time. Interesting reflection yours, and also gave me the opportunity to discover the IFD organizations.

TBH, East Asians are the worst when it comes to this though from what I’ve seen. I see more Blacks/Latinos/South Asians dating each other or dating other POC but the so called “sticky rice” pairing is rare.

“In interviews that Elder, the post-traumatic stress researcher, conducted with gay men in 2015, he found that 90 percent said they wanted a partner who was tall, young, white, muscular and masculine.”

Tragic, the way so many of us have been MIS-trained out of our RIGHT minds! Thank you for what you’ve offered, it ought to be REQUIRED reading, right up there with “The Miseducation of the Negro,” and “Wretched of the Earth!”

Herein lies the essential problem of millions. To be fair most don’t even know that they are suffering from the White normative Brainwashing that society has forced down their throat from before they were even born….but with time and perhaps thousands more wonderful articles like this, people of color will begin to get it. I for one am in agreement with you. I have always avoided with very rare exception, dating White men because of the never ending micro aggressions which within very little time throughout the date always ends up being a lump sum aggression. How Boring to repeat the same thing over and over and over and over and over again…as I have just illustrated for the White Privileged impaired. Being around them for too long is like nursing an ulcer. Just when you think you have it under control and that perhaps you can live with it…BOOM they are guaranteed to do or say something that will force you to suffer another flair-up. Whatever ..to each his own but I’m with you. This is one the best articles I have ever read about this issue. Thank you for writing it and posting it. I have felt the same way as you, my entire adult life in this White Privileged Hetero-Normative Society….World.

I think this piece offers a perspective that is negated. Very good read! I do feel the biggest misconception is that racism ended when the “Jim Crow” era fizzled out of site but not out of mind. Common sense shows that this is not to be true, however racism moved behind “closed doors” making it an exclusivity so to speak….
Because “white” has been placed on the “pedestal” as superiority this has encouraged the disenfranchised to try to obtain the same in regards to respect & recognition with the thoughts of the overall situation being transitioned into equality. While this concept has yet to be grasped the “gay community” remains separated by race..

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