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BDSM - where do I start?

Recently, I have been approached by several members new to a group I moderate who have expressed interest in the BDSM lifestyle. Some have read
BDSM books and want to know how to encourage their spouse to become a
Dom/me or sub. How do they approach their spouse/significant other?
What do I recommend as a first step?

First, I want to state
that I am not an experienced Domme nor am I a trained sub. I am a
switch who loves to read, attend BDSM class and experiment with my
spouse. I'm more a of kinky kind of gal. Second, the steps I recommend
are from my perspective as someone who has been through these initial
journey. I'm still learning. For what it's worth, these are my
personal recommendations.

What is BDSM?

I recommend first learning about BDSM activities at a minimum. There are various websites that list a glossary. BDSM terms* lists many of the different activities as well as the BDSM terminology. (Still in progress)

Or if you prefer a book, The ABC's of BDSM is a decent one to describe the BDSM terminology as well as including some safety tips.

Okay, now you know a little bit about BDSM in a conceptual way with
facts instead of the fictional books we read. How do you approach your
other half? Spring it on them? Tie them up and tell them, "this is
what I want?". These are all possible choices but may not have the
outcome you desire.

Open a dialog with one of the books
you've read that you really enjoy. Read a few passages and explain how
it makes you feel and ask if your other half is interested.

Some people have used movies to open discussion. A recent popular movie is Secretary with James Spader and Maggie Gyllenhaal. Check ***HERE**** for more recommendations.

The important part is to communicate. If you do not ask and start somewhere, you will get nowhere.

My significant other is interested!

Now what? What should I do? How do we figure out what we like?
Am I a Top or a bottom? (I'm going to use these terms loosely as Dom/me
and sub in this post.) These two books are good to give you an idea on
Topping and Bottoming - The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book.

What are your limits?

I found this website years ago and really like it. http://thebrc.net/check_list/default.htm
- is a long web questionnaire that goes through most of the BDSM
activities. The more honestly you complete this, the better it will go
for you and your spouse. Ideally, both you and your spouse will have
learned what each BDSM activity is before taking this questionnaire.

I would not share this completed questionnaire with anyone. It's
very personal and should be treated confidentially. It is also
important to complete these separately. Don't do it together or you
will influence the other.

We want to meet people and talk to others

The easiest way to go about this is to attend a munch. Munches are
held in public venues where BDSM people are dressed in every day
Vanilla wear. These people will be a mix of age, race and experience.
It's to help the new to BDSM learn a bit of the lifestyle without going
to a play party. Plus it is in a public area for safety and anonymity.

How do I find a munch?

The easiest way is through fetlife. www.fetlife.com
is basically the kinky facebook. You will be able to search for places
near you. This is also a good place to find a BDSM club or
organization who focuses on education.

Education? What kind of education?

Some of the BDSM organizations focus on education. They will teach
different topics and BDSM activities. Some of them are hands on and
some of them are not. The ones I've attended, I've written up my notes
and my experiences. I've also asked others who are knowledgeable and
attended classes to post in the Educational Topics Folder.

I would like a mentor, where do I find one?

Something I've found quite appealing in my experience is many of
the Dom/me in the BDSM organization near me love to teach. They have a
passion for helping people enjoy their journey into BDSM. Many of them
have experienced bad scenes and they want to help prevent new to the
lifestyle from learning the hard way. As you meet more people through
classes and munches, you will get a feel for who may help mentor you or
your significant other. Approach them respectfully and see what they
say.

BDSM discussion to help get you started

I have a posted a few threads to help get you started if you can not find a class near you.

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