…Yes. Yes I did hear that he was a Polish hairdresser named Aaron Kosminski. That’s actually wanted to talk to you about.

Internet, why do you believe everything that you read?

Look at the Jack the Ripper thing, for example. It comes from The Daily Mail. THE DAILY MAIL, Internet. It’s a tabloid. It’s proposed two other Jack the Ripper candidates in the past year—all three theories were supported by evidence collected by people who, coincidentally, had a book coming out on the subject. As for Kosminski, as you can read at the link above, the science just isn’t there.

Science, Internet.

And look, I get it. Maybe you don’t know The Daily Mail’s reputation. Maybe you didn’t know the Jack the Ripper thing came from there. But it behooves you, Internet, that when you see a “flashy discovery!!!” headline like this, you don’t buy into it right away. Otherwise you’ll go through the whole thing again in three months, when the ChodeStar Times or whoever announces shocking WORLD EXCLUSIVE evidence that Jack the Ripper was a time-traveling Rue McClanahan on shrooms.

Are you happy with what you’ve become? Do you like feeling this way, being buffeted about by the vaguely baked-bean-fart-smelling winds of the World Wide Web?

We’ve all been there, Internet. I fell for the “Did you hear they removed the word ‘gullible’ from the dictionary” prank multiple times. But you can come back from that, Internet. You can grow up and become a cynical bitch like me, never taking anything you read at face value and treating every April Fool’s Day like a war. You can be better.