● Age is not a particularly
interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live
long
enough.

● Before I speak, I have
something important to say.

● Behind every successful man
is a woman, behind her is his wife.

● From the moment I picked
your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter.
Someday I intend
reading it.

● I intend to live forever,
or die trying.

● I've had a perfectly wonderful
evening. But this wasn't it.

● Marriage is a wonderful
institution ... but who wants to live in an institution?

● Marriage is the chief cause
of divorce.

● Military intelligence is a
contradiction in terms.

● Military justice is to
justice what military music is to music.

● My favourite poem is the
one that starts "Thirty days had September" because it actually
tells you something.

● Politics is the art of
looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly,
and
applying the wrong remedies.

● Time wounds all heels.

● We should pull out. Which
is what Nixon's father should have done.

● Why should I care about
posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

● When I invite a woman to
dinner I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay!

● I sent the club a wire
stating: "Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any
club
that will accept people like me as a member".

● I never forget a face, but
in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

● Die, my dear? Why that's
the last thing I'll do!

● Here's to our wives and
girlfriends... may they never meet!

● I cannot say that I do not
disagree with you.

● I drink to make other
people interesting.

● Now,
there's a man with an
open mind. You can feel the breeze from here.

● Quote me as saying I was
mis-quoted.

● If I
held you
any closer I'd be in back of you.

● We'll
put free
sheets on all the beds, there'll be no cover charge.

● Hello,
Cocoanut
Arms. Yes, we have a dining room. If it's fish, we have it. If it's
meat, we
have it. If it's fowl, we've had it too long.

● Ice
water? Eat
an onion that'll make your eyes water!

●
I've worked my way up from nothing to a
state of extreme poverty.

● As soon
as I
get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce — and so
will my
wife.

● Love
flies out
the door when money comes innuendo.

● I married your mother because I wanted
children. Imagine my disappointment when you
arrived.

● Well I
thought
my razor was dull until I heard his speech.

●
Baravelli,
you've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad
to get
rid of it.

● Why,
I'd
horse-whip you if I had a horse.

● Hey,
don't
drink that poison! That's $4.00 an ounce!

●
Chico: One dollar
and you'll remember me all your
life.

Groucho: That's the most nauseating proposition I ever
had.

● Send
some
roses to Mrs Upjohn and put "Emily, I love you" on the back of the
bill.

● A moose is an animal with horns on the
front of his head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it.

● Anyone
who
says he can see through women is missing a lot.

● Because
we
were a kid act, we traveled at half-fare, despite the fact that we were
all
around twenty. Minnie insisted we were thirteen. "That kid of yours is
in
the dining car smoking a cigar," the conductor told her. "And another
one is in the washroom shaving." Minnie shook her head sadly. "They
grow so fast."

● Blood's
not
thicker than money.

● Do
infants
have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?

●
Eventually I smoked Havanas. A cigar makers' organization once said
that I was the most famous cigar smoker in the world. I don't know if
that's true, but once while visiting Havana, I went to a cigar factory.
There were four hundred people there rolling cigars, and when they saw
me, they all stood up and applauded.

●
Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has
believed the worst about Hollywood.

● I
chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were
exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls.

● I
didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions — the
curtain was up.

● I
have nothing but respect for you, and not much of that.

● I
intend to live forever, or die trying.

● I
made a killing on Wall Steet a few years ago...I shot my broker.

● I
remember the first time I had sex — I kept the receipt.

● I
was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

● I
wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent,
as written in our contract.

● I'm not feeling very well, I need a
doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

● I've
had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

● If
women
dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much - just an occasional sun
visor.

● If you
fall
out of that window and break both your legs, don't come running to me.

● If you
want to
see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

● If
you've
heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it
again.

● In
America you
can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go
on the
air and kid the people.

● It
isn't
necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

● It
looks as if
Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.

● It's
nice to
have met you, and I've got nobody to blame but myself.

●
Marriage is a
wonderful institution ... but who wants to live in an institution?

● Marry
me and
I'll never look at another horse!

● My
mother
loved children. She would have given anything if I had been one.

● My
mother
treated us all equally... with contempt.

●
My son is half-Jewish. Can he wade in
up to his knees? (when told that a swimming pool was off-limits to Jews)

● No-one
is
completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

● Oh, are
you
from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah? He used to live in whales
for a
while.

● Only
one man
in a thousand is a leader of men. The other 999 follow women.

● Outside
of a
dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to
read.

● Paying
alimony
is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

●
Politics is
the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it
incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

● Q: What
do you
get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
A: Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.

● Quote
me as
saying I was mis-quoted.

● Room
service?
Send up a larger room.

● She got
her
looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

● A
hospital bed
is a parked taxi with the meter running.

● The
husband
who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his
checkbook open.

● The
only game
I like to play is Old Maid — provided she's not too old.

● The
secret of
success is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake those, you've got
it made.

● That
kid's so
smart, he could be the fifth Marx Brother.

● There
is only
one way to find out if a man is honest...ask him. If he says 'yes', you
know he
is crooked.

● There's
one
thing I always wanted to do before I quit... retire!

● Those are my
principles. If you don't
like them I have others.

● Time
flies
like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

● When I
heard
about "Hair", I was kind of curious about the six naked primates on
stage. So I called up the box office and they said tickets were $11
apiece.
That's an awful price to pay. I went into the bathroom at home and took
off all
my clothes and looked in the mirror for five minutes. And I said: "This
isn't worth $11."

● Whoever
named
it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

● Why was
I with
her? She reminds me of you. In fact, that's why I'm sitting here with
you -
because you remind me of you!

● You are
a
widdow? Did your husband left you some money? Answer the second
question first.

●
Yesterday is
dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, and I'm going
to be
happy in it.