Like this:

Sometimes I just don’t understand him. One day he’s sweet and so into me.. the next day, he won’t even care. I have no doubt, he loves me I know. But he can be very careless at times that he already hurts me.

Sometimes, I am thinking if we should still go on.. but whenever we confront each other, we end up patching things up which just shows we can’t really let go of each other. He is afraid to lose me completely and so am I. But I can’t help but be disappointed when he started getting confused. While I understand what he is going through… all the hassles he is facing in life…all his issues with family, relationship and himself.. I know he is having a rough time. But I am not a superwoman…I get hurt. I am affected.

Sometimes, I wonder what if we get married and then during our marriage life he gets confused again… what would happen to us, to me as his wife… to our kids? Will he become a responsible husband and dad?

I don’t know where is this going… I want to be with him, to love him forever. But how long will I have to put up with this?

I know we have too many problems now. His problems are not just his. It is mine too. And when he feels bad, it makes me feel bad too.

I know our relationship is not defined properly right now. But it doesn’t have to be, just to justify what we feel for each other. But it’s also because of it that I can’t really expect his commitment. It can’t be denied that he loves me and that he can’t live without me. But why does this hurt?

My God, help us.

Like this:

I’m torturing myself now. this is the 3rd time I guess I played Colbie’s “Realize” on youtube and it has the same effect. The first time I’ve listened to it, it made me cry and it’s making me cry right now.

I wonder when is he going to “realize”. Or will he ever? If he won’t. That’s scary. My worst fear. I don’t want to narrate all the details of our relationship, but 4 years is 4 years, that even though it was a long distance, not to mention, online relationship, it has and still have a great impact on me.

We’ve been through a lot. I have been through a lot. It wasn’t easy. We’ve had our own share of those melodramatic moments when we have let each other go, several times, but then coming back again to each other over and over.

Yes, it seems impossible for us to be spending our lives together for good. Impossible for skeptic. Impossible for those who aren’t willing. But I am. I always am. But he isn’t.

But what is the point? Why does he always come back and then after a while, would stop saying anything and nothing at all, just all of a sudden, he’s gone. We’ve been through this circle over and over…

I remember he said, even though he knows it is impossible for us to end up in marriage and have a family of our own like what we’ve used to dream before, he will stay with me. He won’t be gone again. He won’t hide. Not leaving me again. But he will have to let me go in case I meet someone, whom he thinks will be any way better than him. Which torments my heart. I’ve said it to him a lot times how he breaks my heart whenever he request that I go out with another man. At first, I knew he never meant it. and probably just trying to hide all the pain while saying it.I wonder how hard it is for him and how much courage he mustered for him to say that to me.

There was even a time, when he said that “In the next life, You will be mine and no one can take you away from me. But now, I want you to be someone else’s”

It made me cry.

I didn’t know how those words came out from him. I couldn’t believe it.

He cried that time saying that.

I don’t know… I don’t know now… but why does he always come back and leave and come back and leave again? and again and again and again? And why am I so stupid to accept him again and again and again? Why?

I know.. because I know this is no ordinary, that this isn’t just one sick puppy love thing, not just one online thingie that’s never meant to be, because it has surpasses all that. Because I’ve realized that he’s the one I need, the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I know, I know, I’ve said those lines when I met other men in the past..But this one’s not just the same. But he hasn’t realized that. Or maybe he has, but is just denying it to himself. Or maybe just too coward to take a risk. Or just protecting people he cares about.

That’s what he’s been wanting me to understand… that he is doing this to protect me and his family. I don’t know and I really don’t understand how you can say you love someone but never want to be with her or that you just gave up being with her. Like you’ve accepted that there is no way for real love to succeed.

I can’t make him to be willing. I can’t make him realize. It has to come from him, from the inside of his heart and have that longing and willingness to face all the odds.

Now, we aren’t communicating. Just all of a sudden, I heard nothing from him. I’ve tried calling him, sending messages, etc… but he is deliberately ignoring. Now I wonder what is it this time. But I will let him take his time… take all the time he needs. I hope he’ll get to realize what he wants in life and what will make him happy and bring real happiness and joy to him, and that he pursues it.

And I will wait. Wait until he’s ready to talk about it, to let me know what he’s thinking… I guess I’m martyr like that. Or maybe this is just me loving and not giving up on us.

I wanted to put everything into writing…into this blog…I wanted to express every feelings and thoughts I have at this moment, while the song plays and tortures me continuously. Perhaps, doing this would make me numb or would eventually dried up all my tears… Or I guess it’s better I let it to myself. Just to myself and no one else.

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