The bad news: this is yet another ultraviolent
semi-comedic gangster film from the U.K.

The
good news: these things should just about have run their cycle. After
Pulp Fiction came out in the United States (1994), it seemed like
every filmmaker in the country had to make a lame copy for about three
or four years. It has now been about three or four years since Lock,
Stock and Two Smoking Barrels was released, so the UK filmmakers
should now be getting tired of copying it.

At
least I hope so.

This particular director
managed to take a group of actors who are all quite good when they are
properly cast, but chose instead to play them all against type.
Shakespeare played the cold-hearted and weaselly Irish crook (with
some kind of ungodly pseudo-Irish provincial dialect, like nothing
I've ever heard). Rhys Ifans, who can be delightful when he plays the
Welsh version of Kosmo Kramer, finished the movie in a motorcycle
chase followed by a bloody shoot-out. Suffice it to say that
Schwarzenegger and Vin Diesel won't have to worry about Ifans's
competition for leads in future action flicks. Tara Fitzgerald, who
can be effective as the mousy brunette who needs a good porking, tried
to play a Russian femme fatale similar to the role Lena Olin played in
Romeo is Bleeding. She used about
five different accents in the course of the film, and if I'm not
mistaken, they actually dubbed over her voice in a couple of scenes.

The basic plot: the evil Shakespeare plots to take
over a company after the patriarch dies, because the old buzzard left everything to his
doofus son (Ifans). Shakespeare is understandably pissed about this, since he has
actually been running the company for years while the doofus did
nothing, yet ol' sonnet-boy got nothing when the
old man died. Therefore, the ol' Bard deliberately gets the doofus in trouble with the
Russian Mafia, hoping that he can take over everything after the Russians get rid of the
big galoot.

But Shakespeare's plans all go awry. The Russians go
through their normal process to test whether a Westerner is a worthy
partner for them, and Ifans passes. Add that to the fact that the
Russians thought Shakespeare was a slimebag to begin with and, after much
travail, it all works out OK for the big lug.

The tests the Westerner had to pass in order to
prove his worth to the Russian mafiosi:

1.
Beat all the Russians in a vodka drinking contest while standing on the
highest window sill in Moscow.

2. Fuck the don's
daughter with the don in one adjoining room and the Westerner's wife in
the other.

3. Come back from the dead after
being riddled with bullets in a public execution.

4. Defeat the French army (OK, they had to throw in an
easy one to give him a breather.)

5. Stabilize
the Russian economy.

6. Sit through an entire
Tarkovsky movie. (I know that can't be done. He didn't really have to do
that, because the Russians were all asleep by the end of "Nostalghia",
so there were no witnesses to say he failed. It's just part of the
eternal mystery of Russia.)

NUDITY REPORT

Tara Fitzgerald as the Russian
daughter, shows her buns in a sex scene, and part of her
breasts.

Sadie Frost, as the girlfriend
shows nipples in one blurry frame, despite more than one steamy
sex scene.

Dani Behr also has a steamy
encounter in an elevator with our hero, but doesn't really show
anything.

Tuna's comments in
yellow:

Rancid Aluminum (2000)
is "fooking shite" according to nearly everyone who has seen it,
including me. It is about a British firm in financial trouble that makes
a deal with the Russian Mafia, but the details are "all bollocksed up."
It was even obvious to the film makers, who kept saying "those who know,
know" whenever someone in the film questioned everything. The head of
the English company is trying to get his girlfriend pregnant, and is
seeing a fertility doctor. He takes her with him to negotiate with the
Russians, and does her twice and the daughter of the head of the Russian
Mafia the same night. Both end up pregnant. His best bud, who has
actually been running the business til the death of his father, is
scheming with the Russians to get him killed.

IMDb
guideline: 7.5 usually indicates a level of
excellence, about like three and a half stars
from the critics. 6.0 usually indicates lukewarm
watchability, about like two and a half stars
from the critics. The fives are generally not
worthwhile unless they are really your kind of
material, about like two stars from the critics.
Films under five are generally awful even if you
like that kind of film, equivalent to about one
and a half stars from the critics or less,
depending on just how far below five the rating
is.

My own
guideline: A means the movie is so good it
will appeal to you even if you hate the genre. B means the movie is not
good enough to win you over if you hate the
genre, but is good enough to do so if you have an
open mind about this type of film. C means it will only
appeal to genre addicts, and has no crossover
appeal. D means you'll hate it even if you
like the genre. E means that you'll hate it even if
you love the genre. F means that the film is not only
unappealing across-the-board, but technically
inept as well.

Based on this description, this
film is a E (Tuna) to D (Scoop).
Two thumbs down.