This is me, Eccles

Monday, 29 August 2016

I have been reading your guide Amoris Laetitia a little at a time, and eventually got to
Paragraph 226, where it advises married couples to try
a morning
kiss, an evening blessing, waiting at the door to
welcome each other home, taking trips together,
and sharing household chores. So this morning I gave my wife Doris a morning kiss, and
this evening I gave her an evening blessing. She asked me why I was suddenly behaving so strangely and
accused me of having an affair.

I stormed out and went to the Jesuit's Arms pub for a refreshing pint of Reese and Martin's Old Peculier.
However, Doris did welcome me home with a traditional blow from her rolling-pin when I came back later, so I feel that the
Spirit of Amoris Laetitia has entered our home.

I have decided to surprise her tomorrow by sharing the household chores.

Ricky Fathead.

"Another satisfied customer!"

Dear Mr Pope,

We are happy to enclose your new Alitalia Catholic Diamond Membership Card. In addition to priority check-in and an
extra baggage allowance, this card allows you to stand at the front of the aeroplane preaching on any subject
you like: your words will be recorded and broadcast to the entire Catholic world for discussion,
clarification, retraction, re-interpretation, and parody.

The Catholic Diamond Membership Card is a very rare privilege, and you are only the third top Catholic to be blessed
by receiving this. The other two are of course Tony Blair and Joe Biden, and I am sure that you are delighted to
have joined the company of such people.

Luigi Bertorelli (Alitalia Club Membership).

Pope Francis has finally arrived!

Dear Sir or Madam,

My husband Ricky Fathead has broken our washing-machine by attempting to wash the cats in it. His excuse was that
Amoris Laetitia told him to do it. I am holding you personally responsible.

Doris Fathead (Mrs)

P.S. The cats are fine.

A victim of Amoris Laetitia.

Dear Holy Father,

We are puzzled by the following statement by your henchman Bishop Farrell, who is about to become
head of the Vatican's new office for laity, family and life.

Although between us we have 50 D.Phil.s and a variety of other qualifications, we wish to admit defeat and put on record our opinion
that
Amoris Laetitia is too confusing for us. We know you did not write it all - and indeed have not read it all - but its wording is
often ambiguous, and likely to lead some impressionable Jesuits into heresy.

Dr Joseph Shaw and lots of very puzzled co-signatories.

Dear Mr Bergoglio,

My wife has now left me, taking the cats with her. I blame Amoris Laetitia. So I have decide to leave the Catholic Church and
become a Tablet-reader instead. Ha!

Thursday, 25 August 2016

Zillionaire George Soros has finally admitted something that was long suspected by Catholics, namely that
he was entirely responsible for
Vatican II and its consequences. This confession is seen as the most devastating in a week in which
(a) Soros was revealed to be funding Irish groups campaigning for abortion, and (b) he was discovered
to have paid $650K to influence American bishops during the Pope's visit last year. (As for (b), we may exclude bishops such as
Dolan and Cupich, who are already capable of causing mayhem without any financial incentive.)

The "man of Soros" predicted by Isaiah.

By using his considerable influence, Soros managed to bring in many innovations that were previously blamed on the
Spirit of Vatican II. Destruction of the old liturgy, the hermeneutic of rupture, an increased tolerance for abortion, divorce, euthanasia, and same-sex relationships, and
a push for women priests... these were not actually agreed by Vatican II but somehow Soros's money managed to convince people that they were.

It is also believed that Soros was behind the election of Pope Francis, and that Amoris Laetitia - which
even the pope has never read properly - started life as a romantic novel by a "nun on the bus", backed by that financial wizard
who made £1bn out of the UK's problems on "Black Wednesday".

Fr James Martin SJ interviews a "nun on the bus" in the employment of Soros.

So what will Uncle George do next? Will he himself run for the position of pope next time? Or will he simply remain a humble cardinal, an Eminence Grise behind the scenes?

There is a rumour that he will try to buy the Catholic Herald and make it look more like the Tablet. With Cristina Odone, Mary Kenny and Ronald Hellraiser already writing for it,
he will not have far to go.

Wednesday, 24 August 2016

Over now to France, where Nice, Cannes and other resorts have struck a blow for secularism by
banning the burkini. As Inspecteur Clouseau of the elite Corps de Plage squad explained;
"We totally reject ze Islamic idea zat a woman should be told precisely what to wear, so we are making sure zat
women in France are told precisely what to wear. Aaaggh, Cato, get off, you imbecile!"

Ooh, Laa Laa! Four dangerous criminals defy the ban.

In fact, it is common on the French Riviera for women to sunbathe topless, although this is not yet compulsory. We should recall that
the ideals of the revolution on which the secular state of France is founded were Liberté, Egalité, Fraternité, and Nudité:
the whole point of taking a guillotine and chopping off people's heads was to encourage the last of these.

Sorry: Liberté, Egalité, Fraternité, Nudité, and Obésité.

Said another member of the Corps de Plage, Commissaire Jules Maigret, as he puffed contentedly on his pipe. "Make no mistake, we'll be coming for
other people who shamelessly wear head-dress on the beach. This is far easier than trying to stop terrorists killing people. Now excuse me,
I haven't been to the bar for over 20 minutes."

Two religious fanatics who will be arrested if they set foot on dry land.

President François Hollande has promised to recall the French Foreign Legion to the shores of the Mediterranean if the
problem of overdressed swimmers is not quickly resolved. The transition from the trackless sands of the desert to the rather crowded sands of Nice should
pose no problems for Beau Pipe and his elite squad.

Thursday, 18 August 2016

Once upon a time there were a Satanist, a Jesuit, an atheist and a radical Muslim, and they decided to
compare their achievements.

It's hard to look normal when you're a complete loser.

"I must be the most evil," said the Satanist. "I have backed the Devil, the Father of Lies. I like backing losers: I also
support Norwich City football club, the Zimbabwe cricket team, and Jeremy Corbyn. I am really attracted by the
possibility of eternal damnation and the Lake of Fire. Knowing that God is almighty and could obliterate me with
a crook of his little finger, I take part in black masses where I profane the sacrament, simply because it makes me
feel really naughty. Look at me, folks, I'm the bad boy of the class."

This is what passes for Catholicism in New York.

"I'm not evil," said the Jesuit. "In fact I am MERCIFUL. I also practise a new type of Catholicism, in which
we deny all the established teaching. The pope's going to ordain women, you know - after all Mary Magdalene was
the Head of the Church at the time of the Resurrection (and she even wore a dalmatic). The Holy Spirit is
a woman - trust me on this - and so is the Spirit of Vatican II. Now I want to encourage people to practise Ignatian Discernment: nowadays,
this means dreaming up the wackiest ideas possible and imposing them upon an interpretation of holy scripture!"

Brian Cox knows what K(q",q';T) is, so he must be CLEVER.

"We've been having a hard time recently," said the atheist. "Dawkins has been ill, and split from his wife; Grayling's still sulking about Brexit;
Fry's thrown a wobbly and vanished from Twitter; I've been making a complete hash of pretending to be a climate scientist; only Elton John can be said to be leading a truly happy life. Moreover, everyone laughs at us,
because we can't find a single rationalist who isn't just a little bit odd.
Indeed, worldwide we're in decline, even though in the UK the Catholic and Anglican bishops have done wonders for our cause. So, although I would like to say we're
undermining the Christian religion, it is in fact the Christians who are doing it themselves."

"Swing low, sweet Sharia..."

"We've been having a good press lately," said the radical Muslim. "Our ISIS chaps have been torturing women and children, burning people alive, feeding them to wild animals, etc. These are
Western ideas - your chap Hitler wouldn't have found them at all horrifying. Now I understand that Owen Smith - the man who will lead the Labour Party if
Jeremy Corbyn doesn't - thinks he can solve all our problems by
inviting us to sit round a table with him. There was even talk of beer and bacon sandwiches, like the politicians used to offer to trade unionists in the 1970s.
I can't see that working: indeed if Owen Smith drops round we shall probably EAT him."

In the end, all four of these guys died and went to Heaven. The ways of God are strange indeed.

Saturday, 13 August 2016

Germany’s Catholic bishops have praised Mohammed as a "Gospel witness and teacher of the faith", and called for closer ties with Muslims.
As part of the celebrations of the 1400th anniversary of the dawn of Islam, Bishop Gerhard Feige of Magdeburg, chairman of the German bishops’ ecumenical commission,
has produced a 206-page report calling for Mohammed's mission to be seen in a more positive light.

Not Mohammed. But we're risking a Lutheran attack by publishing a picture of this prophet.

Obviously, there are some minor doctrinal differences between Christianity and Islam, but nothing that a truly ecumenical
person cannot live with. Muslims believe that the prophet Mohammed was sent by God to re-establish the true faith of
Adam, Abraham, Moses, and all the other good eggs; moreover, the Koran is the word of God, and a jolly good read. Many Christians see things slightly
differently, maintaining that Mohammed was a very naughty boy, and that the Koran is a load of tosh.

"So, broadly speaking, we are in complete agreement," says Bishop Feige. "For those of us who are German Catholics and don't
really worry about religious matters, as long as we can collect a good healthy church tax, it is hard to see what all the
fuss is about."

Some Muslims live similar lifestyles to German bishops.

The bishops' report includes conciliatory letters between the German bishops’ conference president, Cardinal Reinhard Marx, and Hibatullah Akhundzada,
Head of the Taliban. Cardinal Marx wrote that he had always thought that the Catholic Church could learn a lot
from Islamic fundamentalism, and proposed a pilgrimage to the Islamic Emirate of Afghanistan, with a joint
service devoted to "healing memories". Perhaps they could participate in a joint clown Mass, or perhaps a lesbian diversity Mass?
Akhundzada replied that he would welcome the arrival of Marx, and was already setting up
a commission to decide whether to boil him in oil, eviscerate him, or simply behead him as the highlight of an ecumenical service.

If this doesn't lead to Christian-Islamic Unity, then nothing will.

The ecumenical commission’s deputy chairman, Bishop Heinz Algermissen of Fulda, said Catholic-Islamic ties had improved since the Second Vatican Council,
once Catholics had been encouraged to drop controversial notions such as sin, redemption, forgiveness, good and evil.
However he stressed that churches must work for "visible unity, not just reconciled diversity".

Thursday, 11 August 2016

The Eccles Broadcasting Corporation (EBC) is pleased to announce a
re-make of the the BBC television comedy
series'Allo 'Allo. Set in the year 2045, when the
Muslims have taken control of France, the show Allah! Allah!
tells the story of René Al-tois, the proprietor of a halal café, the Allahu Hack Bar.

René Al-tois.

Although ostensibly on good terms with the Muslim invaders - notably the witless Colonel Salem and Lieutenant Grubaiyat - René is
secretly working for the Catholic Resistance.
His wife Eid-ith sings Paul Inwood songs in the café; however, nobody recognises them
as Catholic music and so she escapes censure. Indeed, she is complimented on the improvement she achieves by her tuneless singing.

The two sexy waitresses in René's café.

The story contains various sub-plots, to do with hiding two prominent British Catholics with posh voices, Patten and Stourton (luckily, nobody seriously believes that they are Catholics);
another plot device is the question of the whereabouts of the famous painting
The Fallen Monsignor with the big bores,
by Christian Van Adams.

The Fallen Monsignor.

Finally, we should mention Mullah Flick of the elite iSiS squad, corrupt and incompetent. In the days when President Hollande was in charge of France, it was usual for
Islamic attackers to plead insanity, but here we have one who is genuinely un gâteau aux fruits.

Tuesday, 9 August 2016

To the shock and dismay of the entire Catholic blogosphere, Luke Coppen,
editor of the Catholic Herald, has announced that the online CH
will no longer accept comments.
The explanation offered was that moderating the feedback was too time-consuming; however, it is believed that the real reason was
that the CH fileservers were unable to cope with the weight of comments from one particular contributor who must remain nameless.

The CH spent so much time muddlerating comments that nobody wound the clocks.

As a compromise, Mr Coppen has promised that the print edition of the CH will, from now on,
include a blank page on which readers can write their own comments. Subscribers will also be given a
green biro for this purpose. A request from Paul Priest, Archbishop of Corby, that a dozen blank sheets
be provided, has been turned down.

The main person affected by the CH's draconian decision.

Paul Priest writes:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! OH GOOD GRIEF! WEEBLE WEEBLE!!!! I'M A TEAPOT!!!!
You poor fools, you're shutting down the only medium by which orthodox Catholics (and I am the only one left)
can express their opinions. How else are we supposed to tell the bishops of England and Wales, the cardinals, the pope, and even some of the
saints that they are out of touch? First, Catholic Voices didn't want me - and I could have given some splendid 5-hour soundbites on radio and television.
Then you refused to publish my series of articles Apologia pro vitis omnium ceterorum (Apology for everyone else's lives), subtitled "You is not orthodox, only I is orthodox."

The only person who ever listened to me is Damian Thompson - God, how I love that man! No, I don't have a crush on him,
but it's no secret that it was due to my efforts that Damian won the Catholic Lovely Legs Contest last year, narrowly
beating Professor Tina Beattie.

Tina - lost out to Damian on the "swimsuit" round.

Well, we know who is to blame. Phil, the ex-Telegraph troll with his army of implausible sockpuppets (this is true, E.) and also
mad Eccles and his friends. Oh Eccles you think you're so wonderful because you have friends and I don't.

Well, the Catholic Herald is doomed now. I went round six Asda stores yesterday and not one of them had a CH on sale. In contrast, I asked
the assistants "Do you have any Tablets?" and they all replied, "Yes, try the pharmacy section." I rest my case.
What is clear is that Catholic Herald journalism is going to die out.
For example, I know already that Fr Lucie-Smith is planning to give up
writing - he only posts his 500 words in the expectation of receiving a 20,000 word response from me, politely correcting his
errors and telling him what a nincompoop he is.

Even in Corby Cathedral, orthodox worship has almost disappeared.

Worse than that, the Catholic Church in England and Wales is doomed: there is a systemic catholic dispossession and disenfranchisement, to the extent that outside the major cities catholicism will cease to be, within the next generation - and what are you doing to help? Stopping me from putting forward the orthodox viewpoint, which nobody else is
prepared to defend, not even Damian Thompson (see, Eccles, that proves I am not in Damian's pocket!)

Meanwhile His Holiness thinks some sort of balance needs to be
redressed... putting the trads back in their box, accusing them of being
pelagian, jansenist, ultramontane, anti-conciliar and
anti-conciliarity, donatist, pharisaically legalistic, sexually
prurient, uncharitably insensitive, coldly insular and alienating...
and allowing the more liberally 'pastorally aware' to be given some fresh
air and some lebensraum to inspire them to rebuild the Church and bring
the lost home... with verbal support in every soundbite and media
opportunity... I blame Austen Ivereigh and...

Friday, 5 August 2016

The story so far: Eccles and his Aunt Moly are on a pilgrimage. After their spiritually nourishing encounter with Tina Beattie, they
decide to test one of the pope's latest claims.
Father James Martin SJ takes up the story.

A parish secretary deals with an unwelcome enquiry.

I am very honoured to have been invited to continue the tale of Eccles's wanderings. I know Eccles is a great
fan of my books, especially How God can learn from us, which explains why God created mankind,
and Invent your own heresy, in which I tell you how I developed the complex doctrines of Martinism, and how you too can
have a heresy named after yourself. But I digress.

How God can learn from us.

Hearing of Pope Francis's words that
parish secretaries were like disciples of Satan,
Brother Eccles decided that the time had to come to take up the cudgels against such creatures.
Now I don't run a parish myself, being a member of the America House Jesuit Community in Manhattan, where my brother Jesuits and I
live a simple life of comradeship (and we hardly ever dress up as deaconesses, that's right out). So I advised Eccles to visit a typical English parish and
see how Pope Francis SJ (!) had spoken nothing but the plain truth.

In our Jesuit community, Friday night is custard night!

Now Eccles's Auntie Moly did not come with him on this occasion, Apparently, she'd just been appointed to Pope Francis's commission to
study the issue of women deacons, along with other famous Catholics such as Nancy Pelosi, Tony Flannery, Catherine Pepinster, Hans Küng, and Cardinal Marx.
Packing six suitcases with bottles of gin, hair restorer, Zap-a-bugTM insect killer spray, and other favourite tipples, she took a flight to Rome, leaving Eccles
to confront the Disciple of Satan on his own.

Eccles knocked on the door of St Tharg's parish office and went in.

The Parish Secretary.

"GO AWAY!" screamed the Parish Secretary, who at that moment was crouched over the unconscious body of a Franciscan friar, preparing to drink his blood.
"THE PILGRIMAGE TO LORD'S IS CANCELLED AS WE GOT THE WRONG SHRINE WE HAVE NO MORE RAFFLE TICKETS TO SELL THE REFUGEES DON'T WANT ANY MORE DONATIONS OF OLD SOCKS NO I DON'T KNOW
WHO MURDERED THE ORGANIST TICKETS FOR THE CLOWN MASS AREN'T ON SALE YET FATHER ERIC HAS BEEN ARRESTED FOR SETTING FIRE TO THE BISHOP AND DON'T TAKE AWAY THE BROKEN PIANO UNTIL WE'VE USED IT FOR
OUR PAUL INWOOD CONCERT."

There was nothing Eccles could do. He tried attacking the parish secretary with all the weapons at his disposal - mercy, sarcasm, and
a ripe selection of Pope-Francis-approved insults - but in the end he retired defeated. He'll never make the grade as a Jesuit.

In this case, even Mercy was not enough to overpower the Disciple of Satan.

Thursday, 4 August 2016

1. Since Cam-aaron had resigned his place as High Priest, it was necessary to find another leader
to join with Bo-sis in taking the children of Britain out of the courts of Juncker the Pharaoh.

2. Thus two strong women presented themselves before the people. One was called
Lud-som and the other May-gog.

3. However the people turned against Lud-som, because she had borne children, and might therefore
chastise the elders with whips and scorpions, and possibly even put them onto the step that is naughty.

4. Whereas May-gog, although she had served under Cam-aaron, was said to possess a safe pair of hands.
Although none knew where she kept them.

Ma-gog sheweth her delight at being chosen to lead.

5. So May-gog, together with Bo-sis, gathered together wise men to rule over the children of Britain.

6. Thus they banished Gideon, he who had looked after the coffers of gold, and appointed Haman the tedious in his stead.

7. Meanwhile, the children of Britain cried out with a loud voice, saying "Get ye on with it!"

8. For they were waiting to leave EUgypt. Their bags were packed, and yet May-gog did not make a move.

Wednesday, 3 August 2016

Following Pope Francis's wise comment, "If I speak of Islamic violence, I also have to speak of Catholic violence," President "Flanby" Hollande
of France expressed himself "delighted" at his recent achievements in suppressing Catholic terrorism in Paris.

Inspector Clouseau steps in.

Today in the church of Sainte Rita in Paris, which is due for demolition so that a much-needed car park can be built, Inspector Clouseau and his merry men
interrupted a Mass, dragging away the priest, altar servers, and congregation (including some pregnant women). As M. Clouseau explained "The priest refused to face me,
but turned his back to me and started saying incantations in a foreign language - no doubt the Catholic equivalent of Allahu Akbar. I had no choice but to arrest him as a suspected
terrorist."

One of the priest's accomplices is led off to the guillotine.

Celebrating this triumph, M. Hollande commented that it came only a week after the
death of Fr Jacques Hamel. It will be recalled that Fr Hamel was guilty of a hate crime, in that he
shouted at two peaceful knife-wielding gentlemen of foreign extraction who happened to be visiting his church.

Fr Jacques Hamel - an Islamophobic bigot.

When Policier Plodde arrived on the scene, he was grateful to
the two visitors, Adel Kermiche and Abdel Malik Petitjean, for dealing with the "hate crime" situation so effectively. However,
it was distressing to learn that, owing to a mix-up, the two visitors had also been killed.

Pope Francis has appointed twelve people to a commission to study the issue of slaves (both male and female), particularly their ministry in the early Church.
This commission has been set up as a result of pressure from the International Union of Superior People, an organization that has long
been campaigning for a return to the traditional arrangements seen in the early church.
They mention, in particular, the epistle of Paul to Philemon, where Onesimus, a runaway slave, is returned to his master.

Roman slaves - doing the jobs that even deacons wouldn't touch.

Originally, it was expected that the commission would look into the role of "deaconesses" or "deaconettes" in the early church,
but five minutes of research made it clear that they were nothing like the present-day deacons, being merely superior servants, and
that their restoration would do nothing for the cause of women's ordination. It was therefore decided to broaden the remit of the commission.

How it will look - slaves attending Phyllis Zagano.

Fr James Martin SJ, a prominent Jesuit and inventor of Catholic teaching, has declared himself delighted with this "slavery" commission. "You don't understand how hard
it is for priests to operate without the help of slaves," he explained. "For example, Fr Thomas Reese SJ has to darn his own
Hillary Clinton underpants. If we can get back to a proper system of slavery, then this will give us all more time for
the things that really matter, such as appearing on television shows."

"We need an Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion. Which of you is it to be?"

Although slavery has been condemned several times by the Catholic Church, this was almost entirely before Vatican II, when all
the rules changed. In this era, when migrants are anxious to enter the more developed countries of Europe and America, the
Church is hoping to give a hand by bringing them in as slaves. Furthermore, in parishes where finances are hard, the
priest's team of slaves can be hired out to the public for other jobs requiring unskilled labour, such as
traffic warden, call-centre worker, or
preacher at the local Anglican church.

Monday, 1 August 2016

Flying back from Kraków, Pope Francis became tired of reading
the souvenir magazine, Pole Dancing for Catholics, so he stood up and gave yet another
impromptu off-the-cuff press briefing. This was instantly
seized on as either a fundamental change to Catholic teaching or
yet another non-event, depending on whether you read the Tablet
or else some of the Catholic papers.

"I do not like it when people associate Catholic Voices with violence,"
asserted the Holy Father. "I know that Austen Ivereigh is
greatly feared in Catholic circles, but he is basically a
peace-loving man, even if he does occasionally come out with
statements about Islam that would turn Damian Thompson's hairpiece white."

Francis (protected by a barrier) "reaches out" to Dr Ivereigh.

Every day we read in our newspapers, or see on television, signs of people
being intimidated by Catholic Voices. The amazing Caroline Farrow, who has spoken out on
Catholic issues on so many television and radio programmes that we
have lost count - these include Strictly Come Dancing, Match of the Day, and even Midsomer Murders -
can reduce a secularist to a quivering heap of jelly in 30 seconds flat.
Even the Archbishop of Corby hides under the baked bean shelves at ASDA when he hears Mrs Farrow on the radio.

However, Pope Francis claims that such people are essentially peaceful. "Take Greg Daly," he said. "Yes, do take him.
He tells me he's the only man in the world who understands the Irish question, and occasionally people have
fallen into a coma when he tried to explain it to them. But people can fall into comas for
other reasons, you know, and one should not blame Catholic Voices for that."

Young people playing Pokémon Go manage to miss the Pope entirely.

In another announcement, Pope Francis commented on the success of World Youth Day. "From now on,
we're going to have similar smaller-scale events in every town in the civilised world. They will take place
on Sunday mornings, mostly, and involve much smaller gatherings of Catholics for Mass. Obviously,
I can't be everywhere, so I am appointing a group of deputies to do the 'Hey, I'm the big superstar' bit.
I've even thought of a catchy name for them - priests!"

Here we think Pope Francis may - for once - have gone a little too far.

List of awards this blog has won

Best blog by an idiotBest blog by someone who is truly savedBlog most read by saved peopleCruellest blog attacking saintly pious peopleMost spiritual blog by a sockpuppetKieran Conry prize for virtue, modesty and humilityPottymouth Times award for the nastiest blog everStupidest pictures ever seen on a blogLeast read blog of 2015 (2nd prize to Bruvver Bosco)Tina Beattie medal for promoting orthodoxy"Utter filth" (Sheds and Shedmen, Croydon)

Bishop of Lancaster's cup for well-placed ad hominem attacks

Eccles has been named as one of the 100 most influential saved people in Notting Hell, by the prestigious Calumny Chapel Parish Newsletter.