The FDA is close to approving a record number of drugs this decade. They'll approve anything! Asbestozol! Rapeazoid! Roofielux! Bombardazon! Catastrophimil! Disasterbliz! Deathomax! You name it, they approve it! Obliterade!

Hello, researchers have figured out how to eliminate the signs of aging in mice. Yeah. Yeah, that's right, Kev. They just made their wives live in a different cage! I'm Jay Leno! Play me over, Kev! I am hollow on the inside.

One guy gets cancer and runs a marathon while he has cancer and all of a sudden Julie's all "Maybe we should do a marathon together, wouldn't that be fun? We could spend time together doing something healthy, for once. You know what I mean. This...this stuff can't continue." Yeah, why don't you go run with that guy, cancer boy? If you like marathons so much?

Down in ol' Texas, they don't cotton too kindly to experimental stem cell therapy. "We don't cotton too kindly to that around these parts," says a guy in a cowboy outfit. Good job man, here's your twenty bucks. Now get on outta here.

Have you had your child vaccinated against pneumonia? To be perfectly honest I couldn't give a fuck, but why not make conversation while we're both sitting here?

Uh sure, if I had a robotic exoskeleton, I'd be walking around too. Some people, I swear.