Often times the forum is a place for good men to vent their hurt, & I respect that. But equally we have to see we can undue what was horribly done.

Ask your Therapist as I have and they will tell you it comes down to the tenacity any of us have to overcome very true hurt.

It comes down to refusal to let your life be defined by some monster we met as a kid. We define who we are, not them.

I always say I am no better than anyone here because I am not. I realize the effects are pretty common to us all, but they are not the real us, the effects are illusions left behind.

Quiety out of sight there are men like me working with men like you to personally overcome abuse. There are men I met here at MS who astonish me with their guts determination compassion, support, and their true success.

I realize those real friends to me now will spend the rest of our lives cheering for each other and always pushing up further in recovery & in life.

Wonderful statements--so true. You hit on so many points that are relevant to our healing-venting, supporting, cheering each other on and most importantly putting the monster in its place--not letting it define who we are or will become. I know my own healing journey has taught me many things about myself and what I want in life. I think I am no different than all survivors--striving for a life I now know I deserve--free to love, free to show emotions, free not to be ashamed or devalue who I am because of the abuse, free of letting others destroy and hurt me. It has also given me hope to grow and live the life I deserve as well as to show compassion for others--because I do not know their torment or past--they too may have been shattered or hurt in their lives so as to create their own facade to protect themselves. The value of human life is what life is all about. I see a change in myself and others have seen a happier and more caring person who is willing to help others-I always did in the past but now it is without reservation in my heart and mind instead of a way to compensate for feeling damaged or broken.

I also have learned never judge until you walk in someone's shoes. I have been judged--tried and convicted--without others understanding my life. I have read about the effects of childhood sexual abuse on the mind and brain--it helps me to understand the lost time and and gaps in memory and time. Amazing the research that is being undertaken on the hippocampus--a small part of the brain in the cortex region. It is believe to play an important role in memory--including why memories are repressed, trauma impact and why we dissociate during trauma and years after. It has been noted victims of childhood sexual abuse have smalled hippocampus and thus it differently impacts their memories and reactions to trauma and turmoil--triggering nightmares, flashbacks and dissociative states. It helps to eliminate the thoughts of I must be crazy why do I not remember everything in my life and where did the time go.That thought has haunted me for a lifetime. Now if people want to judge they should look at the research before passing judgment.

Hopefully some good comes from this horrible monster. Thank you for you words and insight.

Like so many have already said thank you for this cause it makes that light at the end of that tunnel flicker even brighter.I'm ready to make changes and the support here is amazing. If I can offer anything to anyone...I am here to return the support.Bub

You are stronger than I, and stronger than most. I am profoundly grateful to call you a friend and a fellow survivor.

Just because you were the "top" for younger boys in those movies does *not* make you their abuser. Had you said no, you would have been replaced by another young "top" to do what they wanted, and you probably would have gotten worse than the cattleprod for your defiance.

You acted not out of free will, but out of survival. You were enslaved, and now you are free.

Cant

_________________________
But he grew old, this knight so bold / And upon his heart a shadow / Fell as he found no spot on the ground / That looked like El Dorado.

There are no magic pills, not with any elixirs nor any kind of snake oil, to help.

Just plain guts, determination, faith in that innocent inner child within us.

It will cost us plenty. It will take it's emotional, mental & physical toll on us. Not to mention the monetary part.

We will at times of deep guilt & shame, which doesn't belong to us in any way shape of form, hurt so bad & want to give up the struggle. End our pain forever by thinking of harming ourselfs.

We will spend a lot of our emotional energy, doubting & second guessing ourselfs, about what we had to endure (I fell in love with my perp) & what we might have done to others. In some cases being tortured, drugged, forced into harming other young boys/girls for our abusers. They, the young boys/girls are like us they are also innocent victims.

Four years ago when all this came back into my conscious mind at the age of 69 1/2, I wished that I could have carried all of this to my grave.It was too hard emotionally, mentally & physically on this old boy. I had thoughts of pulling the plug (the S word). Those voices & feelings were with me for 2 weeks. I was in deep clinical depression at that time. A voice came to me, and it was my inner child. Telling me big guy, make the most important 'phone call of your life. I did. I got help. I survived for another day.

That young boy named Pete, was disappointed in his big guy in a big way. He put it to me rather bluntly. Hey, big guy, I kept us alive for 69 1/2 years buried in the depths of your mind & soul in shame & guilt, etc. Big guy, after just one year of you trying to come to terms with our youth, you thought it was too tough. Shame on you.My 69 1/2 years vs your one year. Come on old boy, get with the program we have some more living to do.

It hasn't been an easy journey as you all very well know. Sure, i'm still second guessing myself, sure i'm still doubting myself.

I do come to these pages and learn how to work through some of it from my brothers here. We'll share our compassion, understanding, hope & love for one another. Giving each other hope & courage to go on.

Young Pete & big Pete both agree that it does get better eventually, especially a bit easier with your help. Please NEVER give up, NEVER.

Wishing my brothers here well on your journey together with me on this road to becoming a survivor. I didn't know me until now.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

I
agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and
chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole
discretion of MaleSurvivor. I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor
resources are AT-WILL,
and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for
any reason by MaleSurvivor.