THE NéWYORKER ONLINE . , , \\) 11 -wyo er .com HEAR The Political Scene, hosted by Dorothy Wickenden ElifBatuman on Russian bells WATCH Andre Bishop in conversation with John Lahr READ Blogs by Steve ColI, Hendrik Hertzberg, James Surowiecki, and more AUDIO EDITION AVAILABLE AT AU D I B LE. COM/N EWYORKER 30 THE NEW YORKER, APRIL 27, 2009 SHOUTS &amp; MURMURS AMEN, BROTHER BY PAUL RUDNICK What my therapist says is that I am a heterosexual with issues. - Ted Haggard. T hank you, Ted, and God bless you, Ted's therapist. My name is Stan Belker, and I'm the pastor here at Our Lady of the Irredeemable Sinner, in Nashville, and, just like Ted, I, too, have struggled with my sexuality and have come out the other side, into the good green pastures of Christian family life. As a teen-ager, I found that I was at- tracted both to serving Our Lord and to Jimmy Wiggins, the assistant coach of my high-school soccer team. I was in torment, and I would pray for hours on end, asking God why He would com- mand me to love Him so deeply and at the same time just go and create Jim- my's snug little soccer shorts. I told my clergyman, Father Josiah, about my conflicting urges, and he tried to recon- cile them by explaining that from cer- tain angles Jesus looks just like Dennis Qgaid. Still, I had agonizing doubts: was I just experiencing a completely normal phase of adolescent uncertainty, or were Jimmy Wiggins's firm, high buttocks really a calling card from Satan? I became determined to change, to lead a wholly Christian life. In college, I began to date. At first, I took things slow, and I went out with only the most pious, virginal girls, who luckily often had strong, masculine jawlines. I be- came pre-engaged to Mary Ann Col- lier, and we'd sit in her sorority's front parlor reading Scripture together. "I think that St. Francis and St. Michael are my favorite holy men," Mary Ann said one evening. "You're right about Francis," I said. "He's to die for, butMi- chael should work on his calf muscles." " s " M A k d " h tan, ary nn as e me, IS t ere something you'd like to tell me?" ''Yes, there is," I replied gratefully. "I'd just like you to know that, if it weren't for the teachings of Our Lord, I would very much enjoy having sexual intercourse with you. But, because of our shared be- liefs, I'll just have to make do with my lonely dorm room and this issue of Men's Fitness, the one with all those great ab routines." I was in college when I had my first r I , .. ;Ill . ! , - , " , " ': ,,) . / ' fi -.:-J ' J , .,,\ I,iI (I ' 'j/\. . 1 /' ......... , 'I ( <. I.l\ I... ,' -- sexual encounter with a man-Brad Bicknell, a student in my Christian Values seminar. One day, as we stood side by side at the urinals discussing the importance of abstinence, Brad asked me out to dinner. "But just as friends and Christian study buddies," he as- sured me. "I have absolutely no inten- tion of allowing our eyes to lock over the bread basket, because that would only lead to the surprisingly roomy back seat of my Toyota Celica, where we'd be forced to grapple with each other's moist, engorged man areas." I'll be honest; I was curious. I needed to know exacdywhat sexual activity with another fellow might entail, so I could be ashamed of it. I warned Brad that, while I would be willing to sleep with him as a very small part of my journey to Chris- tian wholeness, I didn't intend to enjoy the experience. In fact, while we were going at it, I said, "Brad, while what you're doing feels unbelievably good and 2