Friday, March 25, 2011

Tomorrow morning, Saturday, March 26, 2011 I will have the pleasure of meeting a very special woman whom I have grown to admire through bloggyland! I can't wait to share an hour with her while sipping on some exotic drink, probably water, and hearing all about how God is working in her life!Then, I will be back with a few photos, or at least one, to share with you and introduce you to Tiffany:) Cindy

Friday, March 18, 2011

Some days it is hard to believe that Mark has been gone for 12 weeks and other days it seems an eternity!! I have spent a little time re-reading a few of my blog and FB posts from the past 12 weeks and am happy to say that I seem to be exiting the 'debilitating' stage of shock and grief and am entering a newer season of acceptance!

Yes, there continue to be many moments of tears but overall I am doing quite well! I have been cooking (most evenings) and *beginning* to dig in to the numerous tasks which need attention around the house. I had the pool gears changed and drained it yesterday. Tomorrow will be a power wash day and then I need to pick up all new filters and various other items to restart the pool when I fill it. Looking forward to using it this year! Last year was so filled with 'hospital' time that I only put my suit on twice!

I am working on changing up my blog a little! (Those 'changes' I spoke about) I need to be focused right now so I'm working on a way to help me in that area regarding my blog. I hope to keep away from the random difficult day posts!!

Mark was my life for more than 30 years and I miss his something horrible but the reality is that he is not coming back and I Must find some sense of who I am in Christ 'today'!!!

My oldest told me how proud he is of me today ~~~ just made this momma's heart melt!

I found this picture as I was going through files tonight. It's a fun one from a few Christmas' ago. K-bug lost her two front teeth when she was 2. They are finally coming in now that she is almost 7. Papa loved that little angel SO much!!

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Something I have learned in these weeks since my hubby's passing is that I cannot do anything perfectly. I want to, yet I am incapable of such a feat.

My heart's desire is to understand this grieving process and walk through it with my head held high, my feet firmly planted in the Lord and everything in between lined up with God's Word. Despite the longings of my very fragile and overly fatigued heart I am only a human suffering the effects of loss.

Some would say I share too much, I am too transparent and maybe I should be more positive about all things! To them I say: I share the truth of my heart, I believe in honesty and for the most part I am amazingly positive yet oftentimes we learn more from the truth of our circumstances than in pretending the pain does not exist.

I am a creature bent on learning! I am also a creature of habit! My habit of 30 years of life with the same man has been altered completely and permanently. There is no turning back the clock (except for next fall) or finding a time machine to take me to another, happier time in history.

I believe it is imperative to share all that God is in the midst of trials! He is my comfort, my peace, and ever present help, my source of strength and my hope for the future! I have NO doubt in His love for me or His ability to walk me through this season.

Reality is though I am human and sometimes do, say and act in fleshly ways. Those are the realities I am sharing tonight and the truths of what Mark would be disappointed in if he were able to "watch me now".

He would be cheering me on in my walk with the Lord and encouraging me to allow a deepening relationship to develop during this season. He would also be proud of how I have ministered to our kids and granddaughters over the past 11 weeks. He would smile when I talk to him and laugh when I do 'dumb' stuff like lose my keys in the refrigerator.

He would however be disappointed in my inability to function after work. The fact that I come home and sit in a dark living room night after night and that I have become even more of a couch potato and TVaholic than I ever was before he passed! He would shutter at the amount of 'JUNK' food I consume and how much weight I have gained AND he would be saddened that I had to go to the recycle store to buy a few pair of pants because I have grown "out" of everything I own.

His heart would be grieved that I have failed to hire someone to repair the garbage disposal and leaky sink, that I have not done any yard work, mowed the lawn, pulled the weeds or removed the dead boxwoods in the front yard. He would choke if he looked at the side yard which is filled with junk, disappointed that I didn't take the time to put anything out for Bulk trash pick up this week and horrified if he saw the pool right now. (I do have someone coming tomorrow to check out the in-floor cleaning system).

His disappointment would probably show if he knew about questions I ask myself like: When do you take off your wedding ring and when do you change your status to single? How do you move forward with life and at what point do you stop crying? When does this pain in your heart soften or does it?

Never mind the disappointment he would feel if he saw how much I have let the 'cleaning' of our home go. Dust bunnies are growing by leaps and bounds! I think that black stuff in the kiddos shower is mold?!?! My shower needs to be replaced as does the wall in the bathroom now that it is deteriorating and I think little bugs are coming out of it. (Yikees and Yuck)

Some days I wish that my thought process allowed me to believe he could hear my cries to him yet I'm kind of thankful that he can't. Scripture tells us there is no more pain, tears or hurting in heaven and since he would be all of those things if he could see me now, it does my heart good to know he cannot be disappointed in my inability to move forward just now.

Yet, how disappointed is God in what I have become in these weeks since he took my hubby to heaven? The thought makes my heart sad!

Father, tonight I lift up my eyes to you! You are my strength and the giver of Hope. Your word teaches us in John 16:33 that you have already Overcome the trials that we face. In that, though I cannot see it today, I trust that there is a brighter future just beyond my earthly vision. My heart is grieving a great loss and left behind is a Huge void but also, somewhere in that vast expanse of emptiness, You Are With Me!!

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

This is just a checking in post. I don't have much important to say so I thought I'd give you a few items of minor interest:)

1 - I prepared dinner again tonight. This is the third night in a row. Tonight's fare was pulled pork loin with a tangy barbeque sauce served over a bed of rice with freshly sliced pineapple. It's a good thing I am going out to dinner with a friend tomorrow because I don't want my son to think this is going to become a habit or anything!!! LOL!

2 - I never thought I would be a single mom especially of an adult child with very special needs. But here I am working full-time and attempting to be everything to him as well as taking care of finances, food, fuel, filthy clothes, fluffy dogs, forgotten dust bunnies, and a full host of other fundamentals of life. A life of wearing MANY different Hats, so here's Hats Off to All Single moms Everywhere~~~How do you do it??

3 - I have been asked to write an article for our ladies newsletter. I haven't done that type of writing for a couple of years so I have been a little anxious but this morning the Lord began to speak a wonderful word to my heart. I cannot wait to put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) and see it in print. Please pray that it will bless those who read it and bring Glory to our Lord.

4 - I have NOT done my taxes yet ~~~ Just in case you wanted to know.

5 - I hope you read my last blog post but if you missed it ~~~ My Mom does NOT have cancer! We are praising God and praying for guidance to deal with the emphysema and other health issues.

6 - I am preparing to host a yard sale this weekend. I have so much that I am ready to let go of. I certainly have not gone through everything yet and won't be able to before Saturday but I have LOTS to get rid of! And then it will be a trip to the donation center in the afternoon.

7 - Whatever the skin ailment I suffered from last summer is back in full view. I think I am going to have to admit that I am just allergic to the sun! That is a difficult diagnosis when you live in Phoenix, AZ but a truth I must deal with. The minute I was outside with short sleeves the hives shone their ugly little selves. I think a trip to the dermatologist is going to be in order Very soon.

Friday, March 4, 2011

I was raised in a home with guns and hunting. It wasn't unusual or scary to anyone in our family or to our friends. My father and his father before him were hunters and fishermen. Our family enjoyed the outdoors and YES we did eat what was taken.

When I met my husband I soon realized that he was raised the same way. There was never a time when it wasn't just natural to plan a hunting expedition or a fishing trip. In recent days I have been taken back to one such hunting expedition.

It was in the fall of the year during the early years of our marriage that we planned a day trip. Several of us met at hubby's moms' house in the early dark hours of the morning and ventured out to the planned destination. Each team was dropped off at a certain point and then we would hunt and meet up at the 'truck' spot at the bottom of the mountain. I remember the day as clearly as if it were yesterday. It was a chilly morning but as the sun rose it became a beautiful sun-filled warm day. We would walk a little, sit a little as we glassed the mountain side, and then walk some more.

That day was lean on animal activity but full on beauty and peace that is until we began venturing down the mountain to our meet up area.

The specific area that hubby and I had to go through to get to our meeting place was straight through a thicket of Aspen trees and Wild Rose Bushes (in the fall when the area was lean on leaves and heavy on Thorns). Friends, there was No way around it, No was over it, No way under it, we Had to go Through it!!!

I am a fairly tough woman and even in those early years was strong but this was awful. I remember vividly how scared I became as we walked deeper and deeper into the thicket. There came a point were I began to panic. I could not see in front of me, behind me nor above me. I did not think we would Ever find our way out! I knew Mark was with me; he held my hand and kept encouraging me that we just needed to keep heading down and we would eventually get out! I did not have Faith in what I saw but I trusted this man who had Years of experience in situations such as the one we were facing.

YES, eventually we came to a clearing in the thicket and soon were able to visualize our meeting spot. My arms were scratched and bleeding, my emotions raw, but we did get out. I will tell you though, that was the closest to a full on panic attack I have ever experienced, Until now!!

In these days and weeks since my husbands passing I have begun to feel myself panicking. I see myself in the middle of that thicket but this time I am alone! I haven't known which way to turn as I cannot see in any direction. I sit. I give up. I cannot find my way alone. I do not have Faith in what I see. There is no hope!

And then it happens! In four small words and one still small voice it happens.

NO EVIDENCE OF CANCER!!

A glimpse of Faith, A glimmer of Hope, A cause for Celebration!!

Today as I sat in the doctors' office with my mom, sister and brother and heard those sweet words I felt a needed touch from the Lord and a hope for the future. I did not realize how much fear I have been holding in these past weeks as we waited for these results. I did not acknowledge how I had gotten lost in the thicket of depression. The thought of losing my mom so soon after losing my precious hubby was more than I could bear.

Mom does have Moderate Emphysema and the mass in her left lung in consistent with a previous episode of Valley Fever. They will retest in three months and watch the spot for two years. We believe it will Never be cancerous! We are praising God for this good report.

And so today I have a small glimpse of Faith! As Mark said: As long as we keep heading down we will get out! Hmmm...the Lord has reminded me today that as long as I keep 'down' on my knees, 'down' on my face before Him, I will have hope of coming Through this thicket!

I know on the other side of this there will be Joy! But friends, in the middle of this place, it is lonely, empty, scary, painful and fear-filled!! However I will hold fast to God's promises:

I have told you this, so you might have peace in your hearts because of me. While you are in the world, you will have to suffer. But cheer up! I have defeated the world. John 16:33 CEV