These are punny jokes that I have heard over the years, or which other people
have contributed to the website, or my own versions of older jokes.
I have placed them here so that more people can enjoy them, too.

Versailles
(contributed by James Hymas)

Indiana has its Versailles,
But the French all burst into wailles.
&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp They will sigh, they will crigh,
&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp "You must call it Versigh.
Those who don't should all be in jailles."

Bakers
&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp
Bakers distribute recipes on a knead to know basis, but they distribute
baking schedules on a need to know to knead basis.

A Seller in the Cellar
&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp
What is the difference between a jeweler and a jailer? The jeweler
sells watches and the jailer watches cells.

Dairymen
Two dairymen meet in the cowshed.
Luke: What have you been doing all day?
Jake: Me? I've been orking the cows.
Luke: Huh? What's that? I've never heard of orking.
Jake: How could you not know? We work together every day.
I'm your cow-orker.

Opera Lee: I hear your sister works for the new Opera Channel.
Jan: Yes, she has produced 5 superb specials on the lives
of the great composers, and they have all won major awards.
Lee: Yet it's carried by only 5 stations worldwide?
Jan: Right. It's a rare medium well done.

Escape
&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp
The fortune-teller who stole my money is no longer in custody.
The police caught him, but he was so tiny he slipped out between
the bars of the holding cell. Now he is a small medium at large.

Hamas
&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp
Israel was concerned that Hamas may have smuggled a nuclear weapon
across the border. They sent agents with radiation detectors throughout
the country. The report came back, "There is a bomb in Gilead."

Will
&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp
Did you hear about the millionaire who changed his will every week?
He was a regular fresh heir fiend.

Focus
&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp
Three brothers went into business raising beef cattle. They asked
Mama what to call it. She said, "Why call it the Focus Ranch, of course.
The focus is where the suns rays meet."

Sammy
&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp
Sammy Snail has grown very rich from his highly popular book
"Salt-Free Cooking" and the TV series based on the book. With his
new wealth he bought a custom Porsche with his initial, an ornate S,
emblazoned in gold on the driver's door. He loves to floor the
accelerator and just let his S car go.

Young
&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp
Little Timmy comes to the checkout desk with his book. The librarian
looks at the title, "Guide for the Young Mother," and asks Timmy why
he wants that particular book. Timmy replies, "It seems perfect.
I'm 12, and I collect moths."

Pride
&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp
There they were, a pride of lions, just a mile ahead on the veldt. Not
one of the big ruminants dared enter the grasslands. Then Willie
Wildebeest spoke up. "We have been afraid of these lions for too long.
We outnumber them. We outweigh them. Let's go." And he started
across the savannah.
&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp
Suddenly he noticed soft footsteps behind him. The brave gnu whirled.

Thresher
&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp
Poor John Farminhock. He got caught in the thresher, and
came out a demijohn.

Ridges
&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp
As peas dry, they develop whorls and ridges that are every bit as
distinctive as the whorls and ridges of fingerprints. Imagine,
whorled peas.

Royalty
&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp
Of all the royal lineages in Europe, the Spanish succession produces
the homeliest monarchs. The reign in Spain stays mainly to the plain.

Pants
&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp
A Greek walks into a tailor shop in Athens, and shows the owner
a torn pair of pants. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The customer
answers, "Yes. Eumenides?"

The Ark
&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp
When the waters of the Flood subsided, Noah spake unto the animals
saying, "Go forth and multiply." All the animals did as they were bid,
save the serpents, for they said, "We cannot multiply, for we are
adders." Then Noah bade them, "Come thou hither, upon the rough furniture
where I partake my meals." They did so, and in due time, became
exceeding numerous, for even adders can multiply with a log table.

Weather
&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp
Two weather forecasters in Communist Russia were discussing the following
day's prediction. Natasha thought it would snow, but her husband Rudy
was certain rain was coming. He insisted, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

Nightclub
&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp
A carrot, a mushroom and a tomato go to a posh nightclub. The
doorkeeper lets the carrot and tomato in, but not the mushroom. Angry,
the mushroom asks, "Why won't you let me in? I'm a fun guy."

Weather
&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp
A rope goes into a bar. The bartender kicks her out, saying, "We don't
want your kind in here." So the rope ties herself in the middle, frizzes
up her ends, and tries again. The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you the
rope I just threw out?" The rope answers, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

Piano
&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp
Seamus Oppernockety is the least competent piano tuner in Dublin. Worse, after
he botches a job, you can never get him back to fix the problem. Oppernockety
tunes only once.

Butcher
&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp
Patrick Wackamole runs the largest butcher shop in Dublin.
I was waiting in line, right behind Seamus Oppernockety, a well-known
piano tuner. Oppernockety had his little dachshund with him, and he asked
the butcher to let him have a bone for his dog to chew. The butcher refused.
"Them days is over, Oppernockety, we don't give nothing fer free anymore."
&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp
Oppernockety fishes around in his pocket, and pulls out a tiny figurine,
no bigger than an olive. "Suppose I give you this, then, would ye let
me have the bone?" The butcher looks it over, and starts muttering,
"Well, I don't rightly know what this is, but it's small so I figger
it ain't worth much, but then the bone don't cost much neither,
but still..."
&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp
And I'm still standing there in line! Well, at my age I resent anything
that keeps me waiting. I figure I don't have enough hours left to waste
any. So I just blurt out, "It's a knick-knack, Paddy Wack, give the dog
a bone so this old man can get on home."