Monday, April 10, 2006

Marry rich, honey, marry rich

Every Wednesday, I indulge in a Burger King Whopper, because I need a break from the healthy and delicious meals I eat on a daily basis. I don't know what it is about this burger. Maybe it's the huge beef patty and carb-loaded bun. Maybe it's the dressings and thick glop of mayo. Maybe it's the fact that it only costs $1.79, plus tax.

Or maybe it's a little bit of all of them.

Ravenous as I am for this sandwich, I practically cut off everyone in my path as I drive towards the nearest restaurant. I'm drooling as I think about placing that burger in my mouth, munching on it's tasty goodness, and feeding my insatiable hunger.

After parking my car in the nearest spot and running in like a madman, I approach the server.

She's cute. Underneath the green cap, she's done up as if she were about to go to the club. She looks up at me and smiles. Beautiful teeth. I smile back. Yeah, she's really cute.

"One Whopper, no cheese, to stay," I say. Simple and to the point.

"One Whopper meal?Cheese? To go?" she asks as she tilts her head to the side. Her expression vacant.

Wow.

Did she not understand me? Did I suddenly lapse into latin? I explained to her exactly what I wanted. The only thing I didn't do is punch in the order, take the money and make the fucking sandwich myself.

Fuck, hunger makes me especially irritable. I'm two seconds away from picking up an orange food tray and smacking it across the back of her head.

"No," I reply, trying not to sound condescending. "One Whopper. Not a meal. No cheese. To stay." I look at her with a face that says, Did you understand it this time, or do I have to say it slower?

"One Whopper, not a meal, no cheese, to stay," she repeats the order aloud as if she's going to forget.

Poor, sweet, cute girl.

Even simple orders are complicated to her. Eight words, many of which include the word no, are as incomprehensible as quantum physics.

But, I'm being too rough on her. This could be her first day of training on the job - her first job. She could young, nervous, and inexperienced.

If this isn't the case, I only have five words of advice for you: Marry rich, honey, marry rich.