Category: Noah Cyrus

Halsey is one of the music industry’s most frequent red carpet messes, so it’s not a surprise that she would show up to the Billboard Music Awards last night in an outfit that says: “Book my stylist the next appointment at the nearest Pearle Vision.”

That bra is all kinds of tragic. It’s both too big and too small, like some kind of physics-defying underwire nightmare. If that bra could talk, it would beg Halsey to leave it at home and take a set of nipple pasties instead. On the upside, it is nice to see that someone finally purchased the most discounted bra from the clearance section of Ross. But don’t cry for Halsey’s bra. I see a bright future for it. I bet an agent has already signed it to appear as the uncomfortable before bra in an Ahh Bra infomercial.

But in Backdoor Farrah’s defense, she’d look like an embarrassing and desperate mess even if she didn’t show up to the MTV Movie & TV Awards in a costume found in the section marked “For Trashy Attention Whores Who Want Quick Attention” at the Haus of Cultural Appropriation.

Miley Cyrus had three people in her life who were celebrating birthdays over this past week. Her little sister Noah Cyrus turned 18 on the 8th, and both her fiancé Liam Hemsworth and friend Wayne Coyne celebrated their birthdays on the 13th. Miley decided to save her stoner brain the trouble of remembering all those dates by rolling all three into one giant birthday party on Saturday.

I know Lady Gaga’s thing right now is hats, specifically that pink one that’s practically the official mascot of her Joanne promotional tour. So I shouldn’t have been surprised that she showed up to the American Music Awards last night in her biggest, stiffest-brimmed hat. It was nice of her to switch out that pink hat for the evening. I’m sure it was starting to get all limp from all the sweaty forehead foundation it was no doubt collecting and could use a good soak before the Grammys in February. Sorry AMAs, but you get the backup hat.

It’s Noah Cyrus! It feels like it was just yesterday when little Noah Cyrus was posing against a stripper pole with her friends at a club in Hollywood. Well, Noah is now 15 years old and has discovered weaves, Miley Cyrus’ closet, fake eyelashes and the chola beauty of bold lip liner.

Noah must have thought that Kylie Jenner’s 18th birthday party was also a Kylie Jenner kostume kontest, because this is what she wore to that shit. She really Kardashian’d it up for that party and I hope she kept some sage in her pocket to ward off Pimp Mama Kris who probably saw her looking like Kylie 2.0 and tried to adopt her. I was going to say that Billy Ray and living anime horse Tish Cyrus need to come and collect their child, but let’s be honest, they probably picked out that outfit.

The youngest possumling of the Cyrus family, Noah Cyrus (aka the pole dancing child that everyone called CPS over), dribbled out an emotional Instagram post the other day over the INJUSTICE that her and Miley Cyrus’ older brother Trace Cyrus got slapped with while trying to eat at a restaurant in Kentucky. The restaurant said “neigh” when Trace stomped on in. I guess that restaurant is firmly on Team Brenda Song. And I can hear your, “That restaurant just didn’t want to get complaints from customers after Trace chewed on their hair and coats while waiting for his food” jokes from here.

Noah probably noah’s a thing or two (I’m not proud of myself for that) about INJUSTICE, because I’m sure she’s been kicked out of clubs for being underage while trying to party with Miley. Noah is not going to stand by and let that tattoo-shaming restaurant deny her kin service just because his body is covered in more ink than a sixth grader’s paper bag book cover. Noah spit at those wrong tattoo haters on Instagram.

A restaurant in Kentucky wouldn’t let my brother in because he has tattoos. That is so messed up and it really pisses me off that it’s even legal to do such a thing. The way I see it is he is completely made of art and if they knew him on the inside then they would know thats the truth. I love my brother and it brings me to tears to know someone would do that to him or anyone for that matter. So sad. I love you tracey and you’ve got a team supporting you.

Noah didn’t name names, but Trace did. The tattooed emo pony raged at that restaurant on Instagram:

Fuck Brothers in Newport KY!!!! Been all around the world and never had anyone deny me getting into anywhere because of my tattoos. It actually upset me because I’m from Kentucky and to see an establishment like this really shocked me…

He also Instagrammed the restaurant’s telephone number and told all of his followers to tell the manager off.

The restaurant that kicked Trace out isn’t a fine dining establishment like the Olive Garden or some shit, so I don’t know why they got super snobby over someone’s appearance. Even then, the Olive Garden lets me eat there, so they’ll obviously serve anyone. Miley Cyrus should buy that Kentucky restaurant and let people with tattoos and pink pubes eat for free. But is there more to this story? Was Billy Ray Cyrus with them? Because if he was, maybe the restaurant didn’t deny the family service because of Trace’s tattoos. Maybe they denied them service, because they knew the health department would shut them down if they let that roadkill on Billy Ray’s head in.