Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's Cesc Fábregas winging his way to Chelsea. Possibly. Photograph: Lee Smith/Action Images

According to the Sun Roman Abramovich has set his tiny, fossil-powered dictator heart on a new and even more exciting billionaire's plaything. Not a robot butler, or a yacht constructed entirely out of fossilised bikini models, or the dwarf planet Xena; instead Abramovich is planning a "£50m summer swoop" for the prized Arsenal midfield gnome Cesc Fábregas. Fábregas is apparently upset that Barcelona, who already have a hanger crammed with daintily-scurrying midfield gnomes, didn't try harder to sign him this summer. Abramovich sees him as "the perfect replacement" for Frank Lampard.

In similar Judas-swoop vein, Pepe Reina has "sensationally opened the door" to a move from Liverpool to Manchester United. "Yes, well Edwin van der Saar will hang up his gloves in the summer so of course they are looking," he said on Spanish radio station Onda Cero, bringing you the smooth sounds of Spanish goalkeepers talking about stuff that probably won't happen. "I can't say anything logically as I have a contract with Liverpool," he added, referring to the never-say-anything-logical clause inserted in all Liverpool players' contracts.

Meanwhile Ashley Young is all set to sign a new contract at Aston Villa. Liverpool, Manchester City, Manchester United and Tottenham will all be disappointed, but hopefully, not that disappointed when they have a proper think about it. Joey Barton hasn't decided whether to stay at Newcastle and take a pay cut. His new contract would involve a 20% reduction in his current already-too-much.

According to a Daily Mail EXCLUSIVEChelsea are planning to bring Guus Hiddink back to work with Carlo Ancelotti, which is bound to work out just fine for both of them. Abramovich wants "a high-profile figure to bring footballing clout to the club's executive tier". Or failing that Avram Grant. Charlie Adam is still going on about moving to Liverpool. "Maybe the jump in money would have been enormous but if you're a real footballer, you are here to play football," he said, implying that he is a "real" footballer, while others are perhaps not quite so real, or perhaps "real" in a different way, a way that he, Charlie Adam, considers to be objectively less real. "For me, it's all about playing at football and playing at massive clubs"

Carpetbagging ex-Arsenal hitman Jérémie Aliadière could pop up at Newcastle on a short-term contract and, who knows, maybe a bicycle. Aliadière is a free agent after leaving Middlesbrough in the summer. Carlos Salcido could leave Fulham and go back to his first club, Chivas. "'I am at a stage of my career where I have nothing left to prove," he said. Big Sam Allardyce is not interested in the West Brom job according to "a source close to the former Bolton, Newcastle and Blackburn boss", and definitely not just Big Sam Allardyce talking into the phone through a sock.

In the Mirror Nicklas Bendtner says he deserves his "movie-star wages". "I believe we must be worth our salaries because that is how the mechanisms of the society works," he announced, yelling into his huge brick-like mobile phone, dismantling a local community with his bare hands and insisting they all turn into individuals, closing your local library and resinking the Belgrano.

Nikola Zigic says he almost left Birmingham and went to work in high street bank Santander during the recent transfer window. "My agent spoke with Santander but this is now the past. I want to concentrate on the future. I am very happy. I scored and want to do more," he said.

Derby want to sign the Sheffield United striker Jamie Ward on loan. And Hugo Lloris, who was very good in Jeeves and Wooster, wants to join Pepe Reina at Manchester United. "Manchester United? It is a great club, but I cannot say anymore," he said, before saying some more. "We will wait and see what happens during the summer. I might play abroad, but I do not know where."

And according to Sportal via Goal.com unassuming Teutonic goal machine Miroslav Klose could join heart-pumping, headache-inducing Major League Soccer team New York Red Bulls in the summer when his contract at Bayern Munich is up.