Trump in Prime Time! What to Expect (Updated after the event!)

by Daren Jonescu
·
Published January 9, 2019
· Updated January 10, 2019

Donald Trump will address the United States population (i.e., the minority who watch network television and care at all about politics) in prime time Tuesday night in America. This is Trump in his natural habitat: in front of a camera, properly coiffed and made-up, looking like a strong executive, and using the trappings of power to exert popular influence on the weak-minded.

Will he declare a national emergency? Only if he panics about the ratings at the last moment and decides he needs to spice things up to make sure his show tops the Nielsens. (Do they still have those?)

Anyway, here are a few fearless and foolproof predictions to help you survive the breathless anticipation before the big show:

Trump will frame himself as “Daddy,” the protector of the people, without whom they couldn’t sleep safely at night.

After the event, Trump will say this was the highest-rated presidential address of all time, and if anyone denies this, he’ll cry “Fake news!”

Immediately after his address, while America goes for a pee before CSI El Paso comes on, and just before Fox News brings in Lyin’ Ted Cruz to tell you Trump is the biggest, strongest president in the world and he knows “Mr. President” personally (!), Spats Schumer and his great discovery Norma Desmond will come on the screen together to tell you everything Trump said was a lie, although of course they will be responding to the wrong speech. And as you watch Norma over-enunciating her incoherent words, in the aftermath of cringing at Trump’s tiny TV-sized vocabulary and hands, you will be thinking, “Back then we didn’t need dialogue. We had faces.”

Let’s see tomorrow whether my predictions were right.

UPDATE (almost 24 hours after the big show):

So, was I right? Was I right?

If you were smart enough to avert your eyes from the whole thing, but now, having heard how gruesome it was, simply can’t resist the urge to take a peek back before driving out of sight, you may see both Daddy Short-hands’ “I love you and will always protect you, so help me God” address, and Spats’ and Norma’s joint response — as predicted: answering the wrong speech, and looking like Addams Family Halloween costumes propped up on sticks — at this convenient posting on Right Scoop.

Why did Spats and Norma think they could compete directly with Trump in a prime time reality television show? Didn’t anyone tell them that’s how Trump makes his living? Didn’t anyone tell them they are perhaps the only two people in Washington who can make Trump look sincere, normal, and alert by comparison? Didn’t anyone tell them they were irrelevant political hacks who only have elected offices because they ran in districts so knee-jerk leftist and disengaged that they couldn’t lose? Didn’t anyone tell them this kind of performance — the best any reasonable person could have expected from them — would only light an even bigger fire under the Ocasio-Cortez “young blood” types who are dying to hang these walking effigies of socialism’s yesteryear from the nearest tree?

Looks good on all concerned.

Looks like the frightening conclusion of a long, restless dream for the civilized world. It’s almost time for the dreamer to awaken — but to what?