10 New Years Resolutions: Translated

1. "I'm gonna lose weight by cutting out carbs/dairy/anything else that makes life worth living." I'm gonna bore my friends when we go out to dinner for about a week, and secretly Google gooey, cheesy food porn at night, until finally I give in to the bruschetta or the macaroni and cheese like it is my dark and handsome Spanish lover.

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2. "I'm gonna budget and spend less money on dumb shit." We Who Are Susceptible To Dumb-Shit Purchases all know that whether an Anthropologie hairclip falls under the category of "dumb shit" or "non-dumb shit" is subjective. As for budgeting, I will write down some numbers that mean nothing in a notebook, then when I forget all about it a month later, I'll find it in a pile of papers on my desk and momentarily feel like a failure as an adult — but at least I have that hairclip! That hair clip represents my improving quality of life! That hair clip represents AMERICA!

3. "I'm going to go to the gym more." I'm going to go to the gym like three times and abandon it as soon as it starts to get dark depressingly early. And continue to pay the membership fee. And start counting thinking about going to the gym as if it's actually going to the gym.

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4. "I'm going to drink less. Specifically, only on weekends/Thursdays and Fridays/only two drinks per night/only beer, not hard liquor/only when a unicorn delivers it to me in a golden chalice." I'm going to keep this in mind for the first week of New Years and make a point of drinking water between each alcoholic beverage. I am going to bask in the props that friends give me about being "good." Then I will break it with tequila, get wasted and puke all morning.

5. "I'm going to quit smoking." I'm going to quit smoking until something or someone stresses me out, which will be approximately ten minutes or less after I make the decision to quit smoking. (But for real, here is a guide that might help you.)

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6. "I'm going to be more present." I'm going to try not to hate people who say they are trying to be "more present." I'm going to attempt to figure out what the fuck "being present" even means, besides being able to do a full headstand in yoga and using natural deodorant. Eventually I'll give up and keep being the past, or the future, or 5 minutes behind, or wherever I am.

7. "I'm going to get a new job." I'm going to look at LinkedIn even though it is the most awkward and stilted and non-communicative of all the social networks. I will also look at Monster.com like they do in movies. I'll try to reach out to everyone I know in the field I want to work in, and probably go to some weird lunches where we both pretend you don't know that I am desperate for you to hook me up with a job. I'll maybe get a new job in the end, or maybe not.

9. "I'm going to stop talking to my ex." Until he texts me or Gchats me with something irritatingly cryptic and we start talking again until I start going insane like Mr. Rochester's crazy wall wife in Jane Eyre.

10. "I'm going to start online dating." Until I only get messages from people I'm not attracted to and start feeling like online dating is both a microcosm of real life and a complete waste of time. Also: If I see one more person who claims to "live every week like it's Shark Week," I will commit hara-kiri.