What follows is a erotic tale, intended to arouse its audience. If one is fully aware of this fact, and fully aware of the consequences he or she will face should they choose to read this story, than the cliche standard disclaimer is unneeded. If he or she is not aware, than the standard disclaimer would be ineffective. Enjoy...

2) Some words were misspelled, and may not even be words. cleavage was spelled clevage, is indentions a word?

3) Novel subject matter, a nice change from the typical erotica I read. Did you target this to shoeboy?

All in all, very promising for a first start, I give it a 7 of 10.

gcc is to software freedom as guns are to personal freedom.

Too many spelling and grammar mistakes (none / 0) (#20)

by Anonymous Reader on Tue Jul 17th, 2001 at 02:21:23 PM PST

Sorry to be an English bigot, but you need a proofreader, badly. Your command of the English language is about 10th grade, at best. You change tense a lot, there are missing words, and by misspelling I mean words that, though in and of themselves spelled correctly, are used inappropriately.
The story itself is OK, although the ending was stupid - why did she give him the potion? How was she sure that he wouldn't misuse it? Nothing in the story tells me how his attitude changed, if it had.
I gave it a 1. I have no desire to masturbate. What was the rest of her tattoo?

Well, I'd just like to comment, I did spell-check the thing, and corrected a lot of the errors that were in the first draft. Unfortunantly, I had to do this in Kmail (since Bluefish crashed whenever you attempt to replace a misspelled word), and for some reason the cut-and-paste between Bluefish, Kmail and Mozilla wasn't working properly, and Mozilla was getting the unspell-checked stuff posted to it, not the corrected stuff.

Now, the tenses were a bit problematic, and that's something I'm going to have to work on. I wrote the very first of the story one day, and the significantly larger second half the next. Unfortunantly, in that time, I forgot about the tattoo. I realy wish I hadn't, because it would have been really cool.

I'm going to do a slightly revised version of this and send it to the Erotic Mind Control Story Archive. It will be a second draft (as opposed to this rough draft) and will hopefully be a much cleaner read.

As for Rebecca giving the guy the bottle, well, it's a porn. She doesn't care if he uses it improperly, because he was such a great fuck she figures it'll actually benifit the women that get dosed. (Once again, porn logic. Also, don't forget that she herself used the potion improperly...)

--In the dark times, will there still be singing?Yes, there will be singing. There will be singing about the dark times. -- Bertolt Brecht

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