Q&A for Teens: Emotional Abuse

Your mother is emotionally abusing you. Get out, to a healthy, safe place where you can love and be loved.

I know I'm not a teen (I’m 22) but I read your articles (all of them) one night at 3:40 a.m. I wasn’t sure how or when I was going to contact you but I’m doing it now because I really feel I need to. I’m just a little nervous because I really don’t know what I’m doing writing to you and I don’t know what to say… I don’t even know you, you know?

Sam

Lauren:

3:30 am is the best time to read articles! Everything is more meaningful at 3:30 am. How can I help you?

Sam:

Sorry I’m dragging this out…. I obviously emailed you for a reason—it’s just I don’t want anything I tell you to get out. I don’t really know my purpose in contacting you but what I do know is that you are really smart and you seem like you know how to give pretty good advice. So here it is:

My mother hates me when I say this but it's all truth. She does things to make sure I'm miserable. There is always yelling going on in my house. I can't go on living like this. I've been fighting this fight for years now. I’m so confused. I’ve tried everything possible that there is to do and my mom still finds something wrong with me, always. I was always to scared to ask for help; I didn’t want to get my mom into trouble or anything but it’s getting to me and I don’t know what else I can do. I live in (a certain city). But please don’t tell anyone where I live—I just don't want my mom to find out.

I haven’t really ever shared anything I've written. I really hope this doesn't get out. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I know you don’t know me but I need someone really badly. After reading all your articles I really badly want a good ending to this.

I wrote this a while back:

Clarity

Nothing’s clear to me, nothing at all. What’s the feeling of being loved? What’s the feeling of being held in someone’s arms and being loved? I don’t know that feeling; will I ever? I’m lost and confused. My mom ordered me out of this house; I wouldn’t be surprised if she would want me out of this world. So many thoughts go through my head faster than the tears rolling down my face. I could say I’m done with life! Just make it stop! But, honestly, that would let her win. She ordered me to leave. She told me I’m a messed up person that should be put into a locked room, she lists all the bad things I’ve done—some are true, some are lies—I lay here thinking, “Why am I still here? All that pain she’s put me through: why do I let her do that to me? It’s not ok. Why? What is it I’m supposed to do?” All these questions go unanswered: why this and why that... I don’t understand anything anymore. I want to just understand. I pray every day for God to give me CLARITY! That’s all! To understand or to just know how to cope better with all this.

I’m a fighter and I’ve been a fighter but I’m done fighting.

Lauren:

Wow. I really respect your courage in asking your question and I can't wait to give you an answer; I feel your pain and I’m so sorry for your unbelievably difficult situation. Give me a day or so to write an answer, okay?

Hang in there until then. And then if my answer isn't enough, we'll talk further, either via email or via the phone.

Don't worry–this is confidential.

Sam:

Thank you so much, really…you don't know how much this means to me.

Lauren:

My pleasure—really. I sincerely hope I can help, and I have confidence that we can work this out together.

Sam:

Can I ask why you do this? Why do you care to help when you barely even know me? I don’t ever really like asking random people. But I got nervous and I guess it was meant to be that I came across your page. It's super-late by you, so I'll stop bugging you.

Lauren:

You're not bugging me!

I just like to know that I'm helping to make the world a better place.

That's why we're here!

Sam:

Then you’re really special! Thank you.

Lauren:

You’re very kind! I’m just trying to do my job as a human being.

Sam:

Good stuff! I wish I could one day help people just as you do. It’s just so hard to stay focused. I guess God knows what kind of people He needs to appoint.

Sam:

I can't deal anymore. This is what she said to me just now:

“You are my problem! Ever since you were born problems were always by me! I hate you!’

Lauren:

Sounds awful awful awful.

Not the way a mother should behave, at ALL.

Sam:

Yeah! I know! I just look at her like she has issues, but it still gets to me.

Please please tell me to stop emailing you if you want. I just don’t know what I'm supposed to do.

Lauren:

Keep emailing me! And tell me more about what’s going on with you and your mom so I can give you as full an answer as possible.

Sam:

I’ve written a lot of my feelings on paper, but I'm not the type to really share anything. I have a lot of friends who don't even know that something’s up and I've been friends with them for years. I just like to hide this. Obviously I want recovery from her, but I really don't know how to share my feelings.

But one thing I can share is this. I wrote it a while back when my mother was fuming at me yet again. I couldn't handle it. I felt so hurt and taken advantage of:

ARE THERE HAPPY ENDINGS IN REAL LIFE?

I clean the entire house and then one thing that isn't perfect she yells at me. Especially during finals week and I’m only in high school! Sometimes I'm curious to know what's ahead for me—am I going to turn out like her and behave like her? I really don't want to! Wanting to be held in someone’s arms and having someone whisper in your ears that they love you is something that everyone wants.. But is this a real feeling, do people really live like that? Is it possible to live in a world where you feel loved?

And the unanswered questions go on unanswered....

I can't be home tonight my mom went crazy.

Lauren:

Good for you:

GET OUT.

Dear Readers and Sam,

I wanted to include that portion of our emails in this article to help you see the process of what emotional abuse looks like.

I chose my words carefully: the process of emotional abuse.

Sam, I don’t want you to stop reading now because you don’t want to hear the label “emotional abuse.” A big part of the process of emotional abuse is the victim denying to himself and to others that the situation really is abusive. Because I care about you, I really, really want you to keep reading and try your hardest to accept the things I’m going to tell you about your relationship with your mom. Let’s try to push past the denial.

The process of emotional abuse is an extremely insidious one. The process of emotional abuse is built very carefully by the abuser, usually over many years, and the goal is to make the victim feel as though he or she can’t trust themselves, can’t trust their feelings, can’t trust their memories, can’t trust their very sanity. If you look at your emails, you’ll see that self-doubt surfacing again and again. That’s the result of your mother’s emotional abuse.

Get away from her so you can live a healthy life where you can give and receive love.

So let me say this clearly: your mother has problems. Real problems. The problems were not caused by you. The problems were not made worse by you. She has problems that she is not dealing with. She has problems that she is not being honest with herself and others about. She has problems that she is not resolving. You must get to a safe place where she can’t hurt you. Get out. Go live somewhere else. Somewhere where you can build yourself up again into the wonderful, healthy young person that you intrinsically are. Somewhere where your mother cannot continually tear you down.

You said you want to help other people, and you wrote about how you recognize the goodness in my wanting to help other people. Having those sentiments means you’re a good person. Don’t let your mother’s craziness steal your goodness from you. Get away from her so you can live a healthy life where you can give and receive love. You are a worthwhile person. Don’t believe your mother’s arguments otherwise. You deserve love, safety, respect, and unconditional positive regard. Abuse makes victims feel as though they are not worthy of love, not deserving of respect, not good enough to be wanted. So hear me now: you are good enough. You are worthy. God created you, so you are worthy of respect. God created you, so you are worthy of love.

Another aspect of the process of emotional abuse is the abuser’s isolating the victim. Do you see how many times, in the emails I included above, you mentioned that you don’t share your feelings with other people? That you’re afraid the information about what your mother is doing to you will be revealed? That even your friends don’t know what’s going on in your house, with your mother? That’s what the process of emotional abuse does: it is aimed at isolating the victims.

So hear me now: you do not have to bear this alone. This is not your craziness to bear—it’s your mother’s. You do not have to bear her insanity alone. Get away from her, to a safe place, and then feel free to trust people and to tell them about your pain. Yes, it’s wise to choose carefully whom you decide to trust. But trusting no one and staying isolated or silent would mean your mother has won. Break the isolation. Share your pain and your feelings. Don’t let her win by keeping her terrible secret secret.

And I will say it again: the most problematic aspect of emotional abuse I’ve seen, which never ceases to amaze me, is the victims’ denial of their abuser’s actions as “abusive.” You might be reading this and thinking, “Lauren, you don’t understand. It really is my fault. She’s really not an abuser. Just a mom who’s not exactly what she should be.” I’m here to tell you the truth: your mother is emotionally abusing you, and she has no right to do that. Get out of her path of derision. Get out, to a healthy, safe place, where you can love and be loved. You should also start therapy so that you can keep those parts of yourself intact which seem so positive, loving, and giving. I help my clients with that all the time. It’s a truly liberating, exhilarating process for them—and you could have that, too.

If you can honestly recognize your mother’s behavior as abusive, and then honestly believe you are a worthwhile, lovable person (through therapy and through finding people to whom to give and from whom to receive love and respect), you will be well on your way to healing. But I warn you—and I hate to be blunt, but I want you to hear the truth—if you choose instead the pathway of denial, isolation, and self-invalidation because of your mother’s abuse, you might become an abuser yourself one day. And, Sam, I can’t imagine your ever being that way.

If this situation sounds familiar, break the silence. Talk to a teacher, a principal, your rabbi, or any other trusted adult.

For those of you reading this who are under 18: if this situation sounds familiar, break the silence. Talk to a teacher, a principal, your rabbi, or any other trusted adult. Tell them the truth about what’s going on in your house so they can help you get to a safe place. We all deserve to be safe and loved and respected and validated.

One more idea I want to add. Sam, a few times in your emails you wondered, “Is it really possible to feel loved and cared for?” For you and for anyone out there who’s felt neglected, rejected, unloved, and disrespected, I can assure you: life can be beautiful. If you didn’t get unconditional, ever-flowing positive love and regard and respect and admiration from your parents, then go to a family where you can see those positive relationships occurring. Spend time with a family where you can learn how loving relationships really ought to be. Learn from those families how to do it, then turn right around and give all that love and respect and time and caring that you never got to your own spouse and children and friends. As Ghandi said, “We must become the change we wish to see in the world.”

(To be continued, Sam. And thank you for allowing me to share our emails.)

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Lauren Roth, MSW, LSW, is a graduate of Princeton University, a Marriage and Parenting Therapist in private practice in Lakewood, New Jersey, and an inspirational speaker across North America and on the high seas. She is the weekly "Dear Dr. Lauren" columnist for Ami Magazine. Mrs. Roth and her husband, Rabbi Dr. Daniel Roth, are the parents of six children.

Visitor Comments: 68

(43)
esethu,
May 2, 2015 11:22 PM

we are blessed to have someone like you Lauren who listens and answer our questions. you don't know is but you take your time just to read our problems and feeling the pain with us. I wish the could be more people like you . thank you very much,wish that God can keep on blessing you with plenty of success in what you doing . love you though I don't know you cause you bring lihgt and hope to us who are tn the dark

(42)
Esethu,
May 2, 2015 10:59 PM

hi lauren. i am going through the same problem as Sam but to me it's not my mother who's emotional abusing me it's my dad .He made this person that I'm not filled with anger and bitterness as well as unforgiving. i

thanks for the words

(41)
Anonymous,
November 14, 2013 4:22 PM

There's hope!!

My heart goes out to all of you. A common theme is that all the commenters are determined to break the cycle--and I am convinced you WILL. Kol Hakavod for taking care of yourself as much as possible. G-d should continue to give you the strength to do so.

As children, we are obligated to make sure our aging parents are well cared for, safe & comfortable. This does NOT mean that you have to subject yourself to their abuse. SOMETIMES THE ONLY WAY TO HONOR PARENTS IS TO LIMIT CONTACT.

I didn't have anywhere NEAR the horrific conditions described in the posts, but I had a passive aggressive father & a mother with a scary temper who demanded a lot from me. I witnessed first hand how my mother manipulated people. I vowed never to do the same & I work very hard at "breaking the cycle".

There are many ways in which I'm scarred and only now, in middle age am I starting to realize to what extent. My husband definitely came from an emotionally abusive home. I didn't realize my husband felt that way until recently.

Neither I nor my husband grew up with positive role models for marriage. It has taken MANY years to get to a good place in our relationship. When I think about all the years trying only to survive, it makes me cry.

BH, I have a beautiful family with children I am immensely proud of. And, my relationship with my kids is NOT ANYTHING like my relationship was with my parents.

Now I am caring for my mother who has dementia. Without her ability to "filter" emotions, her behavior is often explosive. All the painful memories from throughout my childhood are now coming back to haunt me.

The difference is, as an adult, I have learned to remove myself and create some distance (but she doesn't make it easy).

(40)
Anonymous,
November 6, 2013 1:57 PM

Shielding

I remember shielding my sisters from the rage of my mother, taking blame for things they did not do. My Ima and Aba were in a bad relationship, and my Ima claims that is why she was so angry. I think she's wrong. She continues to be angry at him, even into him having a rare cancer, in the form of lawsuits and demanding more child support!
My littlest sister accuses me of abuse - I hit my mother once in anger. I wish I hadn't - but I don't think my action was unjustified after 15 years of taking rage and blame for everything and anything that went wrong. I tried to be peacemaker, to fix my parent's relationship - like Aaron, but it didn't work. Well, maybe it did for 17 years. I was born as my Aba was considering divorce, as my mother was abusive to him too.
My sisters are in denial about my mother. They are starting to explode in rage, and it takes at least three people to control a situation and prevent emotional attacks on past, present, and future. One of my sisters went to Israel, and I hope she heals there. The other, the littlest, may be trapped.
She may be trapped in believing her mother to be a messiah while she is abused and believed to be essentially bad, and weak. She is not, and I am considering taking a job near home below my education both to support my father in his illness and my sister to prevent her from becoming an abuser. She believes so strongly in my mother's good intentions that even a lawsuit while my Aba was in the hospital was twisted towards being for her benefit. In reality, she has the full support of my Aba's side of the family - Saba, Safta, Aunt, Uncle, and cousin and wife. She refuses to take help from them, and I fear I have little time to help her see that honoring your mother and father does not mean submitting like a slave to either!
I hope all of you find happy, supportive homes - free to do good! One thing you should learn from me - there is always someone that, if you're open to it, might be able to help and wants to!

(39)
Anonymous,
September 12, 2013 12:00 AM

I really need help please

Ok so my mom is emotionally abusive she tells & calls me stupid, worthless . Crybaby , un trustable ect. & I'm 12 so there is no way I can get out to a safe environment. What I'm asking for is help please like to get through deppression.

Anonymous,
December 27, 2013 4:08 AM

go to a rabbi or someone you know you can trust - tell him/her!

You have to TELL someone in order for them to help you. The sooner, the better. Please tell someone. You deserve to have good. May G-d protect you. I will pray for you too. I don't know you, but you have my love - unconditionally :)

(38)
anon..,
August 14, 2013 8:27 PM

step mo

I am 18. I probably should move out but there's no where to go. I have no money.. no one else is there that i can move in with.. my twin sister already moved out..to my brothers but he can't let us both stay so i let her.. she was dealing with the worst parts..so i thought maybe ill be able to deal with it... but i realize i was dead wrong. All the emotional abuse that went to her is combined with mine and is towards me... i am told i got as far as in life as i did because of her.. that i wouldnt have got anywhere without her.. she expects me to be perfect...one "attitude" i have..which to.her it is...when all i say is i dont really want to go.. she says she was bragging to others about how i finally had "screws on my head screwed onstraight" and how soon as she said that to others i started acting immature. And honestly..i dont see how that was even a compliment at first.... she always calls me insane mentally ill and crazy and when i tell her it bothers me she says she says it cause its true.. i'm...dome fighting. I give up. She can take my identity. My dad knows but doesnt care. . I'm alone. Always will be. Might as well let her control me.. what she says always go..everyone always believes her... in her eyes im a child...i dont wanna live..

Anonymous,
December 27, 2013 4:10 AM

Go to the police. You are an adult - empower yourself.

I know it is hard - but you can fight her -- but not Alone. Go to a Rabbi or someone you can trust. And please go to the police. I know you may not want your mom to get in trouble, but do it for yourself and your siblings.

Brooklyn Griffith,
February 7, 2014 5:06 PM

I understand what you are going through.

Hey, I am a seventeen year old and I am going through the same situation . I have been abandoned by everyone in my house and everyone in the house is trying to make me question my sanity. Message me so we can help each other through this.

(37)
Anonymous,
June 28, 2013 2:36 PM

Moving

Even if you would tell the parent about moving, how are you supposed to handle the outcome of their reaction?

(36)
Anonymous,
June 16, 2013 4:24 PM

all of u ppl that replyed its crazy how i identify with all of u! :( so sad how moms do crazy things and its so hard for kids. i'm 17, turning 18, and my sister is only 15 but same thing is happening for the past year and i'm so scared for my sister... all u ppl suffering out there, be strong! it will end one day!

(35)
Tiffany,
May 8, 2013 11:07 PM

I'm not sure what to do. I'm 17 and will be turning 18 in december. My mom has emotionally abused me for 5 years after my father died but I don't know if I can tell an adult. I have told a few of my friends, and am just thinking of waiting it out for another year until i get accepted to college. I don't even think telling an adult will change anything. And if I tell an adult, where am I going to live or what if they try to make me get along with my mother and try to reconcile us or make me forgive her? I'm really tired. I'm tired of all this emotional abuse and I don't know what to do. My mother thinks I'm hysterical and that my stress/depressed moods/crying are caused by school pressure not her. She keeps denying and invalidating what I tell her about her abuse. My sister has helped me escape from her because she is in her twenties, but there was one incident with my sister where she went ballistic on me too. I feel like there's no point in doing anything, and all I really want to do now is sleep and I don't really care anymore about school. What should I do? I don't want to talk to my counselor because she's really annoying.

(34)
Ally,
April 10, 2013 10:11 PM

HELP

Im 13 and my step mom always screams at me she stole my retainer ipod and cuts open the i pod chargers and my nice sweaters i am going to plan to get an emancipation by court when im old enough but i am starting to get ebxiety and the only one holding me together is my friend what should i do untill i can leave i dont wanna get a 51 a because that place is worse ive been there before and they abuse you too

(33)
Anonymous,
April 9, 2013 7:16 PM

Denial

My mother calls me human excrement, worthless. But it gets worst. She makes me think it's my fault she's depressed. She makes me believe I'm guilty for her unhappiness. I try to be quiet, really patient and it works. With my friends, I tend to laugh and have a good time, but I feel terrified of going back to my house and face my mom. I love her, I do. But sometimes, I'm tired of her. I'm tired of everything. And I refuse to believe that's emotional abuse. I refuse to believe it.

(32)
Anonymous,
February 12, 2013 3:07 PM

My mom

I know exactly what she's going through. As I was reading this I can relate to every single feeling and emotion she is going through. It brings me back to my own life. Thinking that there is no love, just hate. Everything you do is somehow wrong.

(31)
Anonymous,
February 4, 2013 10:41 PM

i'm making a false e-mail cos its required and i don't have one but , i wanted to ask one question... i would really apreciatte if you'd answer my question.
i go through emotionall abuse myself though its not that serious as sam.
was advised to leave home for my own sake
my q is...as i am 18 and a half i am in shiduchim and i don't wanna ruin my name, i mean who'd wanna mary a girl who ran away from home??? secondly, i would be so scared to leave out of fear of my parents!!!
besides, if i run away noone in my family will EVER wanna talk to me.......i dono what to do....

Ally,
April 10, 2013 10:14 PM

Ok

Ok so you dont have to run away you can go to court and get emancipated and choose to live with someone else as for other reader its only 16 and up

Anonymous,
May 27, 2013 8:31 PM

From my experience

Hi Girls out therew
In 28 and have also live with a emotionelly abusive mom.I know what you'r going through. I have gone through alot of therapy and know that even if you cannot change various things in your life( your mom, your home ..) but ther are alot of things you can change. I really suggest you to get therapy for a few main reasons: To learn whats right and whats wrong- you most likely got "uesed" to this abuse, and how to put boundries so that noone can hurt you. You can keep yourself safe. you need a qualified therapist to teach you to do this. Stay strong and seek help. and for those that are in shidduchim- Seeking help is a must! many teens marry the same abusive behaviors if they dont get profesionel help! and I m talkng from experience!

(30)
Sandy,
February 1, 2013 10:21 PM

My adopted mom

She always make me feel insecure I don't know what to do. She is always calling me fat. Telling me to lose weight. When I got accepted into college today. I spoiled at a community because it is cheaper. We goes that school is easy to get it to and don't go spreading that you got into community college around. Like its not even good enough for her. I don't know what to do I can't please her she judges everything I do. I don't know what to do. I'm always so insecure because she is always calling me fat and apparent I'm stupid too. So what should I do?

(29)
Goldie,
January 31, 2013 12:45 AM

HERE AT LAST!!!

Finally.... What we've all been waiting for! A website on emotional abuse!
Let us all support and share.... Since we are all going through the same thing!
Www.fightcauseitsright.com!
See u there!

goldie,
February 1, 2013 6:36 PM

DEAR AISH

DEAR AISH. i accidentally wrote the wrong website address. please can you change it to
www.fightemotionalabuse.wordpress.com.
asap. thanks!!!
so sorry

(28)
Anonymous,
January 30, 2013 9:12 PM

My mom just makes me feel really bad she's always yelling at me I never seem happy everytime I'm around her I've once told the teachers what's going on but it didn't help its either she makes me feel bad or she wishes something bad to happen to me why?

(27)
julie,
January 15, 2013 3:04 PM

there is a cycle of abuse-get help!

I went from an abusive mother to a horrifically abusive husband. I was a victim of domestic violence for 20 years....before I broke the silence and divorced him! Get help if you are a victim of any sort of abuse. Therapy helps. There is a cycle to abuse that perpetrators know...they will sense you are / were able to be victimized. Break the cycle of abuse. Don't let it break you. Love should not hurt.

(26)
Emma,
January 4, 2013 4:47 AM

Terrified.

I'm 14 and going through the same thing. I recently broke up with my boyfriend and my mom is still hung on him telling me that no guy is ever going to date me and calling me names and telling me that she hates me. She constantly texts me and tells me it every day. We can barely be in the same room together. She always makes it my fault and makes me feel horrible about myself. I'm a freshman in high school and going through enough stress and she adds onto it. She makes it impossible for me to focus at all. I get panic attacks and I spend a lot of time crying. When my dad is around she's nice but when he's not she's a completely different person. I just don't know what else I can do. And if I try to confront her about it she will just yell and scream at me. I don't think I can live with her anymore. I feel trapped. And I feel lost and broken because of her. Please help.

(25)
Sen,
December 20, 2012 10:13 AM

Never wanted

The memory that will never, ever, ever, go away is the day that my mother told me it would have been better if I had never been born. She would be better off if I had never been born. She would go on rage fits for as long as 2 hours at a time. She would continually yell, continually rage non-stop and repeat the same things she was saying over and over and over and over. I ran away when I was 18 because I knew that there was nothing they could do to make me go back legally. Also, my dad was abusive to me in ways that a dad should not be. That is all I'm going to say. Anyway, Every day I wake up it is as if I am still there. The stress, the fighting, the wish that I had never been born. Nothing I did was ever good enough either. All I heard about was how bad I was, how I did this wrong, that wrong, etc. etc. etc. To the point that I wanted to die. Her actions and the actions of my father contributed to the PTSD that I now have. After that it was onto another relationship (abusive boyfriend). However, I honestly believe that it was the abusive situation at hoame that set me up to attract this type of individual. Get out as soon as you can. I say this to everyone here that is suffering. My mother was jealous of my ability to play music even though she and dad paid for me to take lessons. She refused to let me play a piece of music because she said it was the only sheet music song that she could play. She took it away from me one day when I was practicing. Several times she would come by the piano when I was practicing and say "Must be nice to be able to just sit down and play." The meaning was that she was 'working" and I was not doing anything. Even though I was supposed to be playing and developing the gift that God had given me. I am still emotionally unsettled because of the environment I had to endure. Please people. Get out, get away. It is NOT you---it is them.

(24)
Joey,
December 16, 2012 8:23 PM

Mother's emotional abuse (i think)

My mom is just a pain in the butt! She is alaways denying my rights to live life. She hates my dad's guts because he has a low paying job and "he is never around". He gives his all to me and my two older brothers. Please help me!!!

(23)
Goldie,
November 6, 2012 10:02 PM

COMING SOON!!!

Wow...reading through all of these emails...it pains me so!! How I ask myself all the questions you have voiced out loud all the time!!!!
Does anyone love me? Am i someone who is ABLE to be loved? Is it me? Can i be helped?
but most of all
IS THERE ANYONE WHO UNDERSTANDS?!?!?!!
We are all going through so much grief and pain...the problem begins when we don't realize there are so many others going through our situation can help us out....
as someone who has been through such emotional abuse and grief,, i understand you all...im with you!
And so i wondered to myself...what can i do to help youall???
and i am proud to say...with Hashem's help, i have an answer!!
I would like to launch a website...one that is under privacy policy of course....
Anyone that is going through a simialar situation to sam...hang in there! soon there will be a support group standing behind you and supporting you!!!
Email me for details, questions and comments!!
Hang in there guys...Love you all just for being you, no matter who that you is!!! Stay strong, all of us recipients of abuse are on ur side!!
EMAIL ME!!! GOLDIEW@FIGHTCAUSEITSRIGHT.COM
Mwah!!!!!!!!!

sori,
November 11, 2012 5:57 AM

THanku!

Wow, thank you! this is somethingi need and there must be many othersout there!

(22)
Anonymous,
November 5, 2012 7:25 PM

I'm 13 and going through something simmiler. I will clarify; my mum doesn't specifically tell me i'm useless and a waste, but she implies it and the way she talks to me alone is enough to make me cry. If i do something wrong, i start crying in fear of getting yelled at, and then she yells even more. If i make mistakes it's all yelling, and then she gets on to me for being sad in day to day life. It's gotten to where nearly all I think about is suicide, and I'm scared. I'm homeschooled and don't go to any kind of church, so minus my best friend, I'm in this alone. My best friend wants me to call a suicide hotline, says they can get child services or whatever, get me somewhere safe. But i don't really believe him. I'm sorry for dumping this on a bunch of total strangers, but I just don't know what to do anymore.

(21)
celine,
November 2, 2012 4:56 PM

heartbroken

my case is like exactly the same but with physical abuse too using the cane. these bouts of extreme depression come to me, i cant stop crying and wishing for myself to die. its scary to think about suicide :( n yes none of my friends know that im faced with a problem like this at home. my dad is useless, he's not here so often, n i find it hard to talk to him because he is controlled by my mum. i hate her from the pits of my heart. ive already made a decision to cut off all contact with her after i reach a legal age. my college offers counselling, i think ill start going there nxt week onwards. today's bout was really really horrible. she's just too damn much like going to the level of insanity. too much. why should i go through such torture?

sam,
November 4, 2012 9:06 AM

im sorry

You sound like you are in so much pain and i just wanted to tell you something you are not alone. The fact that you are looking to speak to someone is amazing. Good for you!! i can tell you that without therapy i don’t know where i would be. So it’s pretty cool of you that you are doing that. It takes major strength I want to share with you something that happened to me recently which will hopefully give you clarity to help you answer your question. You asked “why should i go through much torture?"

Anonymous,
November 4, 2012 9:07 AM

story

This story helped me put things into perspective:
My little brother was throwing temper tantrum and my mother was at shul and my father was trying to help him and I saw that my father wasn’t being so successful with helping him when he was screaming and fighting him. So I walked over to my dad and said you go to shul and let me see if I could deal with him. So I went over to my little brother and said “ when you are ready to talk calmly I am waiting for you in my room.” So I walked away and waited.. He wasn’t calming down so I decided to try something else so I went over to him and said: why are you screaming and crying I can’t understand you , and I can’t help you if you don’t speak properly and use your words. I started explaining to him how in order for someone to help him he has to explain what he needs, he cant expect for me to know what he wants just because he’s upset and frustrated. So he calmed down and we spoke about it.

Anonymous,
November 4, 2012 9:08 AM

Why I am saying all this is because I learned so much from this talk I had with my brother. There are so many situations in my life that happen, especially with my mom that makes me question why am I living? Or why do I deserve to be treated like this? Same with what you were questioning. Why should u go through so much torture? And I agree with you but if u see what I told my brother about him using his words to explain himself instead of jumping up and screaming then this offers a big lesson. We should also USE OUR WORDS.. Hashem wants us so badly to speak to him and tell him how uncomfortable it is for us to have to live like this. Believe me I know what you’re going through, And sometimes you feel like Hashem doesn’t care or doesn’t listen but ask yourself this. when your mother upsets you or emotionally or physically abuses you think this – I am stronger then this and I just need to speak to my father ( Hashem) so that he can save me and get me out of this mess.
Now a days we are so dependent on other people for help we don’t realize that all we have to do is open our mouths and speak to Hashem . we have to use our words and Hashem will help us!!!
I hope you really think about this and realize that life has a lot to offer and no matter what you should depend on Hashem to help you pass this nisayon.
Im fighting this one with you.. unfortunately along with many others. Stay strong!!

Anonymous,
November 4, 2012 9:09 AM

Now a days we are so dependent on other people for help we don’t realize that all we have to do is open our mouths and speak to Hashem . we have to use our words and Hashem will help us!!!
I hope you really think about this and realize that life has a lot to offer and no matter what you should depend on Hashem to help you pass this nisayon.
Im fighting this one with you.. unfortunately along with many others. Stay strong!!

(20)
Anonymous,
August 22, 2012 2:34 PM

Is it me or is it her?

Its scary how I can identify with almost everything Sam writes. I too started writing alot when i felt i had noone to share with. but at the same time my writing is extremely vague and im terrified to have anyone see it. I also dont talk bec im scared to share my feelings and im starting to realize that its bec my feelings were never validated. I would say I"Im not feeling well" and my mother would say "your fine" or I would say that my teacher yelled at me and she would say "no she didnt". I go thru times that i feel everything is her fault and then others that she makes me feel that im plain crazy. she once told me that she hates me and she'd do anything to crush me. ever since I was 4 yrs old shes had problems with me. and suddenly i realized that shes forever telling ppl that i was an angel till age 4 and after that..... did something happen when i was 4?
I do have 2 really good poems that Id love to have written up somewhere (under a pen name of course!) as part of an article on therapy or the like.

Sam,
August 31, 2012 12:11 AM

can you share them?

can you share those poems? im sure alot of people who are going through situations like ours can learn alot.. would that be possible?

Anonymous,
November 2, 2012 1:55 PM

I apologize....I just saw your response, it is a while since i've opened up aish.com...:( ive been so busy!!
I would love to publish my poems, being that i have been blessed with a talent of writing, i feel it is only right to share them!!
Contact me, so i can email you some...
GoldieW@fightcauseitsright.com.
Sam, I hope you get this message! Maybe aish.com can email it directly to you....

(19)
Anonymous,
July 10, 2012 3:22 PM

Just the fact that you sent that email shows you are on the right road!!!

Sam....just from the way you wrote this article, i can tell you are a great person, someone who is looking to acheive, and is CAPABLE of acheiving, much higher levels of greatness-kudos!
From the first word of your first email, to the very last....i cried with you, i laughed with you...and i understood you completely. I am in exactly the same situation as you, and although it took me a while to acknowledge and admit that i was being abused, I eventually admitted it, and did what i can .... i moved away from home, and am currently on the path of finding better and normaler homes than what my family was able to offer me. Many times I question myself if i should even bother trying... if it's even possible for me....if it's worh it. And than i push those fears aside and continue fighting...if only to show my family they cannot hurt me forever.
And as i look back, i realize how far I have come...from that first statement of admitting "i am being emotionally abused" to trying to help myself. but admitting it and acknowledging it is the biggest step of all....and you did so with style and grace!!
i have the fortunate opportunity of being a client of Lauren Roth's...she is the one who helped me travel down this rocky road... and i can tell you she is the most amazing person alive!! I hear how you are hesitant to bother her.....i was (am) the same way...but she does it out of pure kindness, and willingness, to help others...she doesnt think of it as a bother! she goes out of her way to help people... so stay realize her words are all words of wisdom, and you shouldn't hesitate to keep in touch with her and ask for her advice!!
I wish you luck, trying to find the light... you will feel relieved when you do!

(18)
Anonymous,
July 8, 2012 10:36 PM

blessing in disguise

Sam, Though it may be scary to go out on your own, there are organizations like Ohel or Jewish Social Services to help you. Your mom asking you to leave is the best thing for you so it was kindness from Hashem that this happened. You are young and things can change for you as the mind is a malleable thing. Be well and good luck and remember to try to study and follow torah along the way because it will answer many questions that arise. Find someone that can help yo learn (be your chevrusah) to keep you on a good path.

(17)
Anonymous,
July 8, 2012 5:32 PM

I cud have been Sam

I just read this and I got chills bc I cud have been Sam. And the things that Lauren wrote were scary cuz even if I know I'm in denial sumtimes I can't get myself to label my mom as abusive bc of all the good she has done for me - which she has. I just feel like she is not 100 percent stable but not that she wants to hurt me. And she feels like she is the victim and that my goal in life is to make her miserable so mayb her feelings are valid and really I'm the abuser

Lauren Roth,
July 10, 2012 11:16 PM

If you're not sure, get help

If you're not sure if you're the victim or the abuser, get help. Find a good therapist who can help you see the situation clearly and objectively. And remember: abusers manipulate your feelings!

(16)
Gary,
May 20, 2012 4:14 PM

Under 18

You said "For those of you reading this who are under 18: if this situation sounds familiar, break the silence". Why only people under 18? It upsets me to hear you say that. There are so many people being abused. We ALL need to beat our oppressors. Those are my words. Now I want to hear what you have to say.

Lauren Roth,
May 21, 2012 12:12 AM

Only because under 18 can't do it without the help of another adult

Yes, everyone should break the silence. But under 18 can't do it without the help of an adult.

(15)
Miriam,
May 17, 2012 10:28 PM

wow - prayer

Sam you wrote that you pray to God for clarity. Wow. That is one of the biggest tools there is - keep calling on it, it will take you far. And you deserve it!

(14)
Jessica,
May 17, 2012 3:01 AM

Sam xoxo

Sam, you are stronger than you realize. Live your Life. Live your Dreams. Life is Beautiful. You deserve to be happy!!! Don't think for one second that you aren't worthy.

(13)
Anonymous,
May 16, 2012 11:46 AM

Not so quick

While I agree with all you said...In an email exchange with only one side of the story this is really difficult to do. My daughter had borderline personality and splits. We had a big blow up in our home last night, I went down to talk to her about it and she lied about it, I told her what she did which I know she did was not allowed in our home (she is 23) furthermore the the snapping and yelling at people has to stop, as she has been doing that to her younger siblings alot youngest being 3. I said if she can not do these 2 things, she has to find another place to live as it is upsetting everyone, her response, I hate her..everyone hates her. She wanted to go inpatient a few months ago I told her that is fine but she has to be committed to it, and do what they say. Her response to someone else, my mom does not want me going to inpatient. I do not see how the person is being isolated, she never said her mom kept her from people, she said SHE never told anyone. I have seen things place out on facebook and in emails that were just lies. While I agree with your advise, there may be more than you realize.

Anonymous,
May 16, 2012 3:44 PM

The Truth

Sam asked for advice, not judgment. Her lying would only hurt her. So based on the information given, Lauren gave her advice. And people can be As for you threatening your daughter with banishment from her home, I would only think that would make things worse.

Melissa,
May 17, 2012 5:33 AM

Borderline personalities don't appear out of thin air

The better question to ask yourself is - why does my daughter have a borderline personality?
Borderline personalities do not happen in a vacum. There is a reason.

Survivor,
May 18, 2012 4:57 AM

Are you qualified to make this comment?

Actually, Borderline personalities have nothing to do with environment per se. Mental illness is organic in nature, it is caused by imbalances in the brain. No matter how good a parent is, a borderline personality is difficult to handle. They are very good at lying and getting people to believe that they are the ones being mistreated, but they are usually the one doing most of the damage. A good home environment can help the person, but saying it doesn't happen in a vacuum is not only incorrect, it's harmful to the people that have to endure the torture and repercussions of living with a borderline personality. They feel helpless as it is, making them into the villain is cruel.

(12)
Sam,
May 16, 2012 5:31 AM

so , i wish i could help

Yah..It’s pretty crazy how so many people have to deal with screwed up parents.. It just gets me annoyed, I wish there was a way of stopping these parents before it gets worse or to the point where these people that are hurting inside have to have suicidal thoughts or even hurt themselves for the comfort that they need. Some of the things that I read were not shocking; unfortunately I’ve felt those feelings before. I thought these comments would help me feel happy that I’m not alone but to be honest it just makes me feel worse and makes me feel like I NEED to do something to stop this behavior from happening to anyone. I just wish I could do something! I wish I knew what there was to do... Sometimes i feel so helpless and in another state but still at that state I am so aware what needs to be done. I wish so badly that no one has to deal with parents who don’t show them the love that they need. I can’t stress enough how important it is for a parent to show their child they love them and just have parents that think before they do things. I hear if a parent as some type of emotional psychological issue, but still I feel like when a parent has a child from that moment on they have understand what responsibilities they have as a mother now. It breaks my heart to see so many mothers not knowing how to deal with their emotions and it just goes on and on and the child gets screwed up and does the same with her child. By the way they are writing shows me there pain and I wish I could just hug them and tell them that they aren’t alone. I wish so badly that there are times like these where I could help out. It’s crazy to think that there are so many people in pain out there. Wish I could help! But I guess all I could do is daven for klal yisroel !!

(11)
Bobby5000,
May 16, 2012 12:01 AM

Dealing with tough parents.

Suggestions
1. Get out of the house as quickly as possible.
2. Set reasonable parameters for your communications with your father or mother and stick to them. Be firm, but limit confrontations. Example. You have an office party on Wednesday night, and your mother invites you to Uncle Harold's birthday party. You apologize, and explain that you cannot go. She says, I can't believe you're not going to the party. Everyone in the family is coming and they will all ask about you. It will be so embarassing for me, what will I say. I just can't believe you're doing this to me and your family that loves you.
Be firm. Unfortunately I cannot go. Note she will not let up. It's just so sad that you are so self-centered, that you don't care even a little bit about your mother and father's feelings and go out of your way each day to humiliate us. Can't go mom, I'll talk to you later.
Don't worry or ruminate over it and she'll get over it.
Setting reasonable boundaries and not letting your father or mother dictate how you feel is the first step to adulthood and independence.

(10)
Anonymous,
May 15, 2012 6:18 PM

You're not alone...

I have an emotionally abusive mother. It wasn't until I had a family of my own did I realize this was the case. I couldn't understand why she constantly found fault with me. It was through therapy, that I realized it wasn't me but her. I read an amazing book "Controlling People" that gave me clarity. I cried while reading it because it made so much sense. Sure, I could give a whole list of the things she did to me, but I finally understood why. When I saw how much it affected me, my husband, and my kids, that's when I severed all ties. I spoke with my rabbi & therapist so that I would have peace with my decision. It has been seven years of emotional peace. I've learned to focus on being the best wife,mother & me without focusing on NOT being her. It's never easy, just easier ;-)

(9)
Susan,
May 15, 2012 5:46 PM

emotional abuse

Please know you are not alone. I am 56 years old and deal with a bully for a parent. my whole life I felt I was treated like I was an absolute idiot. I was confused and did a lot of vomiting from nerves. I even tried to take my own life as a teen... Mothers Day was the last straw. I feel really sad, but I let her know I couldn't handle the abuse anymore. We were poison to each other and I take full responsibility for it. I asked for forgiveness for what ever I had done or what she felt I had done to be disrespectful and then proceeded to tell her I needed her out of my life. Sad too because my daughters wedding is in a week. we will all be there, I told her no one would need to be the wiser, we will carry on and have a great time. I just cannot be subject to verbal abuse. My sister who happened to be standing there witnessed what happened and is behind me.I feel bad that now, she is there to pick up what I no longer am willing to tolerate for my mental health. 10 years of therapy later, I finally had the courage to break up with her. Happy Mothers day to me! It is very sad and I grieve for what I never had with her. I have 3 adult children who love me and I love them. My husband is supportive and I will always pray for her. thank you so much Lauren for your advice to these kids. I wish I had someone to turn to as a teen. Sometimes we just don't know how to GET OUT and be okay with it.
I honor you mom. I will thank you my whole life for giving birth to me, I release you from me, I no longer want to be a burden to you. I am finally free at 56.

(8)
Don,
May 15, 2012 4:49 PM

Sam, I understand your suffering very well. I am fifty two years old, and have been married three times to women as abusive in their own ways as my mom. Seven years ago I moved back into the asylum to help my parents through some very serious health issues. And many years of untying the painful knots were retied. Her husband is as abusive as she was. My mom passed over a year ago and her husband is 84 and as miserable as ever. He's just older. But the buttons still get pushed. I believe in the commandments our Father has bestowed upon us and that is the reason I made the decision to help my parents. You MUST seek a therapist recommended by a rabbi in your community. Secrets are destructive and the one suffering passes that to the next generation. You have the opportunity in your young life to break the chain, the viscious cycle of abuse. If you seek help, perhaps your mother might too. Just keep separate!!!! Her problems are not your problems, ,,yet. Get away! Join the Coast Guard and learn technical skills and get paid for it. And work on yourself in the quiet of the night. I am awake then too. It is a wonderful time to speak with the One that seeks to provide you the happines in living that you DESERVE! My thoughts and prayers are with you young man. Get some help to make good righteous decisions and good tools to deal with your broken mother.

(7)
Anonymous,
May 15, 2012 4:07 PM

it's so nice there are people to talk to

i was emotionally abused by my father throughout my childhood, he would always have rages and yell for hours at me, my siblings and my mother, but i didn't realize it counted as abuse because it wasn't physical. we were orthodox and on the outside my father was the most polite person anyone had ever met! no one would ever believe me if i told them what he was really like, and also i didn't think there was such a thing as people who you could talk to for free, and i had no money, so i never even looked for help. now, even though i'm grown up and living on my own, i still feel the long -term effects. i'm very sensitive and whenever people confront me or yell at me i break down into tears. i'm unable to confront people about anything and i'm often depressed. it's nice to know that there are people you can talk to about your troubles, even if you have no money for a therapist. it would be nice to have someone to talk to about these things.

Anonymous,
May 15, 2012 9:00 PM

i also have an abusive situation and to be honest speaking with someone is exactly what you need. I think that you should really reach ou. it is definatly nice to speak to someone about your situation.

(6)
Josie,
May 15, 2012 3:10 PM

I was in the same boat and stayed there.

When I left home to go to college (I had been an A student in high school - which wasn't good enough), I broke down - badly. The abuse had been so consistent and from early childhood that my personality split. Lost the years of my adulthood trying to recovery. I finally have, enough to be functional and loving. Don't let this happen to you.

(5)
Sara,
May 15, 2012 1:53 AM

I sorta feel ur pain

Basically I'm 16 and I used to live by my mom but she was phosically&emotionally and verbally and emotionally abusive and it was verry hard for me
I just wanted to share somthing I wrote a while back
confidence in others
I need to talk to you with confidence . I don't think I have that yet , every time I start to say something to you , I quickly change my mind because I'm worried that you will violate my "rule" ( plz don't pass on private conversations to 3rd parties ) . I am Giving up , that's it . I can't handle my life anymore it's just that I can't. Fully express how I feel to others , because they won't understand me & what I'm goin through . If there was a way to die and noone would even know then I would love that . My main reason to live is that I know that all of my family loves me ,and would be devastated if I was gone ..... I have soo much information stuck inside my mind and I gant tell anyone how I feel .
I'm still writing to let out my feelings but it's hard cuz I'm worried that someone might find out who I am and tell someone and my parents mught get into troubble
but I most deffinatelly KNOW ITS MY FAULT but yaa thanx dor posting this

Anonymous,
May 17, 2012 9:47 PM

I care

I am not your direct family, but I care. I care because all of us are interconnected. I am pretty sure that everyone at Aish cares. Make a promise and say to yourself that for the next 5 years you will not do anything crazy. Rather, explore the gift that you are. Make that promise with yourself for 5 years.

(4)
Anonymous,
May 14, 2012 11:19 PM

I was there

My mother was also emotionally abusive. I didn't even realize that she was. It caused me to be incredibly depressed and suicidal. I didn't even realize how strong her hold was or how abusive she really was until I stopped talking to her. It was the BEST thing I ever did. With therapy I am slowly becoming healthier but like you I still have to convince myself that love is possible for me. It has been several years since I have been in touch with my Mother but the damage is so deep. The greatest advice I can give you is to stop ALL contact with your mother and find a good therapist. Good luck!

(3)
Anonymous,
May 14, 2012 5:32 PM

Bravo for sharing this article!

Sadly, I know of a family that this fits all too well! Emotional abuse - especially in the Orthodox world - needs to be uncovered and reported! Just because one's parents may be 'held in esteem' in a community or just because one is 'observant' does not mean one is free from the all-too-common abuses that exist in all backgrounds of families. Just because one comes from an Orthodox family does not mean this kind of abuse does not exist! I call on everyone to be aware! Is there a child that appears to be hungry all the time? Is there a child that appears to be 'shaken' all the time? Is there a child hesitant to return home? Do you live next door to someone who is screaming (beyond the 'normal' range almost all the time)? Be aware! You can always speak to a community Rabbi in confidence about what you think may be going on.) Your speaking up! may save a child from years of much-needed therapy! Lastly, there is NO shame in seeking a qualified therapist!! If more of us went to them, we might have fewer unresolved buried issues we constantly fight in our minds throughout our lives!

(2)
Susie,
May 14, 2012 3:18 PM

question about honor

how does one honor a mother like this?

Josie,
May 15, 2012 3:14 PM

send mother's day cards

This is advice I got from a Rabbi: Send cards, make occassional phone calls, etc., but DO NOT GET TOO CLOSE. Protect yourself, but provide the modicum of honor. It's very difficult to completely separate from a mother - I tried. The result was that my spirituality flagged, and in a way, I became "cut off from my people." All the best to you.

Sarah,
May 15, 2012 5:22 PM

lots of info on this

Aish has published a number of excellent articles addressing exactly this issue. I suggest you search Aish's archives. Good luck

(1)
Anonymous,
May 13, 2012 11:04 AM

Abuse as an adult

I was emotionally and psychologically abused as an adult in my twenties by a male lecturer at university. Only someone else who has been through it can begin to understand the intense fear, the deep sense of shame, the horrific fight for survival at the most basic soul level.
He should never have been in a position of trust, but the nature of what I went through made it impossible to prove, even though my complaint was believed. Appallingly, he was left in the same position for several more years, and who knows how many lives he has damaged or even destroyed.
HOWEVER there is hope! The most important thing is, as Lauren says, to GET OUT of the situation as soon as you can. While it took years and therapy and, unfortunately I was badly let down by a man I hoped to marry a few years later which knocked me to pieces once more, I appealed to G-d to reparent me and to heal me. Over years, with His help, and also that of other people as well as my own determination, He has been doing exactly that.
While I eventually married too late to have children of my own, Hashem has given me a wonderful life now that I could never have dreamed of all those years ago. I have some great stepchildren, I am part of a very accepting warm family through my husband, and I have a great marriage. Life is a wonderful gift and each day I thank Hashem for all He has given me.
NO-ONE has the right to abuse you. We are all worthy of loving and of being loved in an emotionally healthy way. We all have great potential as human beings. Reach out to someone you can trust, also reach out to Hashem. And fight for your own unique potential as a wonderful human being to shine.

Anonymous,
May 15, 2012 6:00 PM

How can a 22 year old still be in high school.before you talk about her mom,you need to check out if this is real.

anonymous,
May 15, 2012 8:58 PM

its definatly real!! if you reread the artical you can see that the writer of those letters SAM wrote those things in high school so she was refering back to when she was in high school. But she is speaking to Lauren now when she is 22. Shes refering to those letters..

Lauren Roth,
May 16, 2012 4:32 AM

It's real. Please don't add to the denial.

She wrote the journal entry when she was in high school. As it says the line before the quoted journal entry: "But one thing I can share is this. I wrote it a while back when my mother was fuming at me yet again."

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...