(Closed) Never Give In, or Why I Hate My Sister – rant

My wedding planning has gone from wonderful to sh*tty just days before my wedding, all because my sister can’t stop being a selfish b*tch.

My eldest sister doesn’t get along with anyone in the family, because she has an enormous sense of self-righteous entitlement and contempt for the rest of us. Any time someone tries to stand up to her, she screams at the top of her lungs about how selfish and insipid and bratty YOU are. I thought after 45 years and 2 children, she’d have some iota of self-restraint, but no.

Against my better judgement, I asked her if she’d like her daughter to be my flower girl. My niece is really too old to be a flower girl, but her age wasn’t important to me. My sister said she didn’t care. I should have taken the chance to back out then, but I was doing my best for the umpteenth time in my life to do something nice for her, and give her a role in my wedding by proxy, since she’d see a direct role in my wedding as a burden. She said as much when she was a Bridesmaid or Best Man at our middle sister’s wedding.

The next thing I know, she’s calling me up, saying she’s bringing her daughter’s friend as a plus 1. I’m not having a plus 1 wedding, and she knows it. It went like this:

“Sister, my daughter has a sleepover and it can’t be rescheduled, so her friend is coming to the wedding. By the way, my daughter can’t come to the rehearsal because her friend is coming over then, and she can’t make it to the hair appointment you set up because her friend is sleeping over. But I’ll drop her and her friend off while you’re getting your hair and makeup done, so you can take them both to the wedding.”

I was so shocked that something like, “ok” was the only thing that came out of my mouth. Of course the moment I got over the shock I called her back and explained that I didn’t think she should have planned a sleepover during my wedding, and that I wouldn’t be driving the kids to the wedding. As the bride, I have other things I have to do.

Then all hell opened up and spawned my sister in her usual light:

She SCREAMED at me for being a selfish b*tch, who only thinks of herself and refuses to have a relationship with her own niece.

Uh, I thought bonding with my niece was inherent in including her in the wedding party. My sister’s insistence in bringing a playmate for the flower girl counteracts any ability on my part to have a bonding experience with her, since her attention will be on the friend, and not on her role in her aunt’s wedding. And since it’s my wedding, I give myself permission not to babysit the preteens.

So I uninvited my sister to the wedding.

This wasn’t a rash act on my part. I’ve been doing my best to keep myself out of her life and vice versa for the past ten years, because all my attempts at trying to have a sisterly relationship with her are met with contempt and self-righteous entitlement.

Like all the times I cooked and hosted Thanksgiving dinner for her and the extended family of 14 in my tiny apartment, without her lending a single chair from her spare set in the garage, which our uncle gave her. So I borrowed chairs from three different friends so that she could have a place to sit. Ditto for the utensils, plates, and baster. And she refused to say, “thanks” at any point, since she felt entitled to my slaving over a hot stove for two days on her behalf.

And if I happen to ask her to do the smallest thing, like ask her misbehaving son to stop knocking over the medical equipment hooked up to my mother when she was staying with me while recovering from surgery, my sister flies into a self-righteous rage and SCREAMS at me for being selfish, etc. I wasn’t able to leave my mom’s side, so I had to endure my sister screaming at me at the top of her lungs for another half hour before I figured out a way to get her to leave. Did I mention my sister, who’s a doctor, never once came to the hospital in the two weeks I was there helping care for my mother?

I take responsibility for having reached out to her, in asking her daughter to be my flower girl. I should have known better, since all the other times I reached out to her were met with the exact same behavior. Silly me, I thought ten years might have made a dent her her wall of contempt. But no, her contempt will outlive us both. She will take it to her grave.

While I was perfectly happy to be done with her forever, my mom took up the cause, saying I agreed to have the flower girl’s friend at my wedding and to shuttle them to the wedding venue across town, so I should. Never mind that being a chauffeur and babysitter is not the bride’s job, I couldn’t believe my mom was siding with my sister and making the same argument as her, that because out of initial shock I said, “ok” that I’m not allowed to say, “actually, no.”

I’m paying for my wedding and rehearsal dinner and sunday brunch and half my bridesmaid’s dresses and my mom’s hairstyling and bridesmaids manicure and have spent well over $300 for bridesmaid and parent gifts, and that’s not including the $300 I’m planning on spending on my mom’s gift. Did I mention I had to quit my assistant job in order to get married because I couldn’t get the time off, and that my entire savings went to pay for the wedding?

So my mom’s argument that I need to make nice with the sister and invite her to the wedding so that my mom doesn’t have to feel embarrassed to admit to her siblings that her daughters aren’t getting along, has no weight with me. I don’t care that my mom blames me, that my sister blames me, that for all I know, my brother in law and niece blame me. It’s my wedding, and I refuse to have a screaming shrew who has nothing but contempt for me at my wedding, ruining the last vestige of what might otherwise be a happy day.

I’ve lost two days to this family squabble, which makes me more angry than anything else, since that was time I planned on researching readings, making adjustments to the ceremony and writing my vows. I’ll have to do without readings at my ceremony and I’m not much in the mood to write sweet nothings to my fiance at this point.

He’s been pretty good about supporting me in my wish for my sister to not attend my wedding, but as soon as he got me opened up to the possibility of the brother in law and niece coming, the family started screaming at me all over again.

In my opinion, my sister is an abuser. Screaming contemptuous and belittling epithets is as much abuse as any other form, though more subtle because everyone can just brush it off as a spat and nothing more. But decades of constant screaming is abuse in my book. She resembles my dad and his siblings in that respect, all abusers in their various ways, and I’ve taken enough abuse from all of them.

So my piece of advice to anyone who is considering giving in to other people’s requests, just because it’s a wedding, is: Don’t.

Many people will try to persuade you that it’s your duty to accommodate others on your wedding day. You may feel conflicted about paying attention to your gut feeling or think you’re being selfish for not compromising. You’re not selfish, and you’re not a bad daughter, daughter in law, sister, aunt, cousin, friend. You’re the bride, and this is your wedding.

Of all the days gone by and all the days to come in the future, this is the one day you are allowed to be happy. Own your happiness and whatever it takes to keep it. Don’t let anyone take it away.

Make the day happiest for you! Sorry to say, anyone that schedules a child’s sleepover the day before a wedding that their child is in…and refuses to reschedule it…come one they are kids! They can sleepover any weekend! OMG!!! Seriously?!?!?! She obviously has no regard for anyone else…deep breath, make it the happiest you can, deal with that storm later if you wish to at all! 🙂

Okay, first. Let’s look at another positive on top of you taking control of your happiness: You’re one kick ass writer. It was a long post, but every bit of it was engaging, captivating and made me want to keep reading. (So, blast that assistant job and figure out a way to get into journalism.) Good job sticking to your guns. Yes, it’s frustrating that your mom has sided with her, but it’s not worth the drama for you that day. Your sister is obviously unhappy in her own life, otherwise she wouldn’t be torturing everyone else around her. Maybe it will take her missing your wedding to realize that you’ve really had enough.

Your sister needs to recognize the difference between a WEDDING and a playdate. For Pete’s sake- skipping the rehearsal is good enough reason to have the girl out of the ceremony. It sounds as though sis makes up reasons to push people’s buttons. You guys all need to get out of the habit of trying to please her. Make sure you let your niece know that everything is okay betwween the two of you. Best of everything this weekend.

I find that people like that are so used to throwing tantrums and getting their way that it totally floors them when someone doesn’t give in. Sometimes they actually change their behavior – not because they know they’re wrong, but because being a brat is no longer getting them the results they want. Good for you for standing up to them!

Holy crap. First of all, good for you for standing up for yourself. Your sister sounds like an obnoxious b!tch. I mean, we all have bad days where we want the world to pay attention to what we think and want only, but most of us don’t act on it, nevermind scream at the top of our lungs about it and live our day to day lives that way. What. The. Heck. Her behaviour and attitude is unbelievably inappropriate. I can’t get over the fact that she’s a doctor. If I had someone so poisonous in my life I would certainly want to be rid of them too. I can’t see how she would think it would be appropriate in any way for her daughter to skip out on all the wedding events, not be able to make her hair appointment, bring a friend, and then just leave her daughter and said friend with you for you to deal with. What the heck is she doing that’s so important?! Ugh! I’m angry and frustrated for you!!!!!! Not all siblings are bound to be friends, and it doesn’t sound like your sister is putting out one iota of effort to make your relationship work.

I have to agree with the other poster, you are an AMAZING writer and you should really try to take that up as your next job!! You are so clear and well spoken, your writing style is terrific!

Good luck with your wedding. I hope you can get through this rough patch and enjoy next couple days without much drama. Focus on yourself and Fiance, breathe deeply. ((HUGS))

I say you’re doing the right thing and kudos to you for standing up for yourself! I can’t believe how inconsiderate your sister is to have your niece’s friend tag along on your wedding day!! Hopefully her exclusion from the wedding will allow her time to think long and hard as to why she’s sitting at home and missing out on her little sister’s wedding day!

I completely understand and empathize!! My younger brother acts the SAME EXACT WAY and is 46 years old. Screamed at me 1/2 hr before my mother’s wedding-Why?-My daughter took it upon herself to help me by arranging some photos as I was still cutting out for a display board at the funeral, and she didn’t know we were sharing the space with him. That’s not even half of his behavior, nor his kids!!! Never apologized, never does. Said something to my other brothers and aunts when he came to my daughter’s wedding that “He couldn’t wait to leave.” WTH? SORRrrry I invited him. I live 3,000 miles away from him, and pray for him and his family every day. It sure is hard to understand them isn’t it? I’d like a clue. Maybe I should look in a DSMR-IV. Don’t let her ruin your day under any circumstances!!! Congratulations! Have a wonderful wedding. Forget about her, and the rest of your family can choose to be upset with you or not. It is their decision, but in hindsite, I wouldn’t have invited my brother to come to my daughter’s wedding to insult me to my other family members behind my back!!! Run and don’t look back!!! That’s abuse, plain and simple. Best Wishes for a wonderful wedding day!!! 🙂 Start getting paid to write!!!!!

I will NEVER understand how or why people make our wedding days about them. My wedding day was overshadowed by selfish family who bullied me into inviting them to the wedding then were complete a**holes the entire night. I bent over backwards (drined my 401k) to invite these 9 people and they tried so hard to ruin our day.

I think you are doing the absolute right thing by disinviting. It might hurt her feelings now but it might just make your night wonderful!

i know it might be too late but I have some similar problems with my family, and instead of getting in screaming matches I find writing a letter helps, specially for your mother. I find this helps get what you need to say accross, without someone yelling and throwing a tantrum on the other end. They can read it and absorb the contents and maybe it will help them understand when they are not all heated up and defensive while you are standing there. You can let them know how hurt you are by the situation (and that weddings are NOT playdates).

I had to do this with my brother when we hadn’t spoken in 5 years. I got out what I needed to say, and it helped him understand where I was coming from and it wasn’t accusitory. I used a lot of terms like “when this happened I felt hurt” and kind of open, not a lot of “well you did this” you know what I mean? maybe it will help maybe it won’t, but at least you can sit and think about what you need to say and you can know you did your best to try and resolve the issue. My brother and I are best friends now, it took a long time but we worked at it.

I hope you have a wonderful day no matter what 🙂 and dont’ let this bring you down.

I am so sorry you have to live with that. I am very proud of you for standing your ground though and think you made the right decision in telling your sister and her husband and daughter that they cannot come. I hope your wedding day is everything you wish for and full of nothing but happiness.