As soon as I found out I was pregnant with our first, I knew my life would change dramatically. I began to see our world in a different way. It was not just about me, my wants, needs, goals, aspirations or life for now I was responsible for the nurturing, teaching and forming of another human being.

Interiorly I knew I was being asked to serve in a humble, obscure, and often hidden way. I also knew that my pride would cause me to stumble. For I am of the generation of women who were born right in the onslaught of the feminist movement and would be bombarded throughout my life with the messages from both sides as to what it means to be a women. This debate is far from over, as it still rages today. It is, to me, an effort to divide and separate our gender so that society will ultimately cease to exist. Throughout my life, the message of the culture was to devalue the role of motherhood, and especially the conventional role of the stay-at-home-mom. This is my journey, and my disclaimer, it is in no way implying, imposing or judging the choices and lives of others who have come before me, have been beside me or will come after me, it is simply my perspective and journey.

#1 Jesus is condemned to Death

Dying to self

I wish I could stop my heart from roaming. I know that being a wife and mother solely and uniquely, is what I am called to do, but I have been conditioned by society, my peers and culture to devalue this role. It is so inbred that I often devalue it myself. I reject my role and vocation in search of something more meaningful…..as if something could be more meaningful.

Lord, you know how I struggle inside, you know the rebellion that is going on inside my soul. You know that I believe with all my heart that I am doing the right thing……but you also know that I wish that I could serve you another way. In my pridefulness I am often jealous of others who seem to be serving you better or their lives are more exciting or holy and that somehow I don’t measure up. You know that I sometimes judge myself, as society judges the value of staying at home, raising the children and performing menial tasks all day long.

*We adore you, O Christ and we praise You. Because by Your Holy Cross you redeemed the world

Oh, Lord Jesus, I know this is the way; but I am struggling to conform my will to yours. Grant me the Grace to follow you.

I reflect on Our Ladies example of humble submission to the will of God, and beg her to teach me to die to self.