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Operation Two Birds

The Bush Administration today announced a major new initiative, “Operation Two Birds”, to “win the war and and solve the immigration question.” Under this new plan, the Pentagon would become directly responsible for border security. Undocumented workers will no longer be deported. Rather, they will be sent to Iraq and Afghanistan to fight in the wars.

A smiling President Bush said, “Rather than having to defenderize our borders against immigrants, they will now protect us.” Responding to criticism from outraged immigrant rights groups, Undersecretary for Border Defense Malcolm Anglowhite stirred up controversy by saying “Hey, they better shut up or we’ll send them too.” The White House quickly issued a “clarification” saying Anglowhite’s comments were meant in jest and had been twisted by “left wing extremists who hate freedom fries and love Saddam.”

During the press conference, the president became agitated when a reporter asked if this new policy did not imply the government would be engaging in kidnapping and slavery, saying “Listen, Traitor Boy, the immigrantoids should be grateful to serve the United States. Plus, we don’t have to pay them, so maybe that’ll shut up the whiners in Congress who say the war costs too much.”

Rumors that Vice President Cheney was present as the first group of undocumented workers was hogtied in preparation to being sent to Iraq and accidentally shot one of them is “as yet unconfirmed” said Asst. Press Secretary April Foole.