Contemplative VicarA vicar was talking to one of his parishioners. He said “When you get to my age you spend a lot more time thinking about the hereafter.” “What do you say that”, enquires the parishioner. The vicar replies “Well, I often find myself going into a room and thinking what did I come in hear after.”

The Brutal Truth!
A man called up a bible believing church and the church secretary answered the call. The man on the other end of the line said, “I’d like to speak to the head hog.” The secretary replied, “That wasn’t a very nice thing to say about our beloved minister, Rev. Jones.” Again the man replied, “I’d like to speak to the head hog, because I’m going to donate £75,000.00 to the church. She replied, “Hold on a moment, I think the big fat pig just walked in.”

The Pastor, the Vicar, and the Atheist (Atheist Joke 3)
One day a Pastor, a Vicar and an Atheist go on a fishing trip together. They are in the boat and the Pastor says,” Oh! No! I left the paddles on shore!” So he proceeds to get out of the boat and walk on the water to the shore to get them. Once he had gotten back into the boat the Vicar says,” Oh! No! I left the bait on shore too!” And like the Pastor the Vicer exits the boat and walks on the water to get the bait. When the Vicar climbs back into the boat the atheist yells,” Well if you guys can do it so can I!!!” and proceeds to clim out of the boat, but he falls into the water. At this piont the Pastor says,” Do you think we should have told him where the rocks are?”

Domestic Problems
Adam was walking outside of the Garden of Eden with Cane and Abel when the boys were young. Cane and Abel looked into the garden and viewed waterfalls, lovely birds, lush forests and fruit trees bending over because of the large amounts of fruit on them.

Then they took a long look at where they lived at. It was dry, dusty with weeds and sickly-looking trees.

“Daddy? Why don’t we live in there instead of out here?” they asked innocently.

Adam said, “Well sons. Eve and I use to live in there at one time. But your mother ate us out of house and home.”

The Cost of LivingGod said to Adam, “I am going to make you a helper, a companion. What would you like your companion to be like?” Adam replied, “Well I want someone that is humorous, witty, intelligent, compassionate, caring, loving, trusting, polite, generous and beautiful.”

God paused a moment after Adam’s wish list and told Adam that a companion like that ‘would cost him an arm and a leg.’ Adam seemed a little dejected and then brightly replied: “What can I get for a Rib?”

Dangerous Dog
One day a mailman was greeted by a boy and a huge dog. The mailman said to the boy, “does your dog bite?” “No,” replied the boy. Just then the huge dog bit the mailman. The man yelled, “I thought your dog doesn’t bite!” “He doesn’t,” replied the boy, “that’s not my dog!”

Angry Panda
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!” The panda yells back at the manager, “Hey man, I’m a PANDA! Look it up in the dictionary!” The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: “A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”