America the Beautiful, let's see skin

Hmmm. The swimsuit part of the Miss America Pageant is being scrapped? Really? Well, why not? On the other hand, why?

The whole competition is already set up to give the most beautiful girls the best chance at winning. So why shouldn’t they strip down to practically nothing so their bodies can be judged more closely for perfection?

They’ve still gotta round things out by showing off their intelligence, talents, purpose and vision. Right? I haven’t watched a pageant since Bert Parks days. But that’s how I remember it. The whole thing is a search for a girl-woman-female who is not only beautiful – even when almost naked – but also capable of handling a tough interview question and singing or tap dancing or whatever and expressing some sort of plans to save the world via a worthy calling. Put glossy lipstick on such a creature and you’ve got a winner.

Now that I’ve decided to concentrate on playing the saxophone instead of winning beauty contests, I use less lipstick. I don’t want to compromise my reeds or have to clean it off the mouthpiece. But if I were vying for the Miss America title, I’d wear some for my sax solo anyway, although the judges might be more impressed to see me on stilts playing my harmonica. Is there harmonica-proof lipstick? Probably not, for lack of demand. Most harmonica players are guys. Same goes for saxophonists. Why is that? Because guys who play musical instruments impress girls thereby, whereas girls who play music don’t rate as high with guys as the girls who simply wear skimpy swimsuits. Right?

You just don’t hear a guy saying she’s a ten because she’s so good on harmonica. Quote me.

Meanwhile, would things be different if the Miss America pageant ignored young beauties and pitted a bevy of older women against each other instead? Is there such a contest?

INTERNET PAUSE.

Sure enough, the Ms. Senior America Pageant is for women who are 60 or older. There’s a picture of the 2017 winner on the website. She looks about 30 to me, but you have to be 60 to enter.

The contest purports to be looking for “the gracious lady who best exemplifies the dignity, maturity and inner beauty of all senior Americans.”

So do the women who’ve reached the so-called “age of elegance” have to strip down for a swimsuit parade?

Apparently not. The website says the contestants are rated per an interview with the judges (let’s hope they don’t get asked how good they look in a swimsuit) plus three contest categories that put them in front of the pageant audience – inner beauty, evening gown and talent.

Frivolous suggestion:

A candidate with a perfect figure could show off her sizzling form by donning a swimsuit for – oxymoron warning – a solo synchronized swimming routine, thereby gaining an edge on those who keep their clothes on.

Serious thought:

Live long enough and nobody will complain about the lack of a swimsuit parade in your beauty contest.