Politics

Politics are a direct product of man’s sinful and fallen nature. It is the art of being different than other people and thinking you’re better because of it.

Exactly how people that pronounce “Bon Iver” correctly feel

Years and years and years ago, men all got along. They were all speaking the same language, hanging out with the same people, agreeing on the same philosophies, and things were just pretty ballin’. Then one day, they said, “Hey, we’re pretty awesome. I bet we could totally build a big tower and reach God ‘n stuff.”

God, naturally, wasn’t too fond of this whole statement, since it was people saying they were His equal, so he put an end to it by dividing the people. He did it by scattering languages, so people that could actually understand each other broke off and formed their own groups. Thus, people were divided.

“You know, Todd, I’m really starting to question how quickly we expected to get this done”

Languages can be overcome. If people had stuck around each other for long enough, who knows? Everyone could have become multi-linguial. But they didn’t. They saw the differences and decided to run off into their own separate corners of the world.

Thus, the birth of politics.

Politics and sports have a lot in common, except for some reason people think politics matter more despite the millions upon millions of dollars poured into sports every year. The thinking is that because politics determine governmental issues, it is more important. However, it’s more common to see a shirt with an elephant on it that is associated with the University of Alabama than it is to see a shirt with an elephant on it associated with the Republican party. The point is, politics aren’t nearly as important as they appear.

Much like the Yankees

Take, for example, how things are run in the United States of America:

The RIGHT way to do things

The US is either a republic with democratic principles, or a democracy with republic elements. Either way, nobody actually remembers the difference between the two, and instead decide to take the terms and divide them into two teams: Democrats and Republicans. These two “teams” then compete often in attempts to prove that they are better than the other.

In sports rivalries, teams play every year for bragging rights. Whatever team loses declares, “We’ll get ’em next year!” and then tries again the next season with new gameplans or players or coaches. In the months between these competitions, the fans of the losing team complain about the winning team the entire time.

And the cycle repeats.

“Don’t worry about it. Through a embarrassing system of governing, we will actually play and beat this team just later on this year!”

With politics, though, the competitions happen once every four years. That means that for four years, the losing team complains about the winning team, critiquing every move the winning team makes in the process. The winning team thinks they can do no wrong. The losing team thinks they can do no right.

And the cycle repeats.

“Hey, don’t worry. I’ll find a way to be relevant again soon”

Yet somehow, politics finds a way to make this even worse than it already sounds. The process goes like this: Every four years, the 311,591,917 residents of the US decide they will get a bunch of lawyers to represent them in governmental issues. These lawyers then argue amongst each other to decide who gets to represent the individual parties. Once the parties have decided which lawyer is best for them, they pit their best lawyers against each other.

Sadly, this is NOT what it looks like

At this point, when it’s down to two lawyers, a bunch of celebrities pitch in to tell the 311,591,917 residents of the US to go and vote. The belief is that every vote counts, which makes every single resident believe that their one opinion makes a much difference in the field of 311,591,917 different opinions. Then, feeling super empowered, around 60% of them (at best) actually get out and vote.

It also gives Diddy an excuse to appear in public again

Then, one of the lawyers wins, and he spends the next four years shaking hands and preparing for the next competition.

In politics, just like in sports, there are more than just two choices to root for. Sure, it is likely that nobody other than a Republican or a Democrat will ever hold major political office, but you must remember that “every vote counts”. This means that every single one of the 311,591,917 believes that their opinion matters, so even if they root for somebody who doesn’t stand a chance, at least they stood by their opinion.

“I got this suit at Goodwill”

Politics have many purposes. They give people who either don’t like sports or need something more than sports something to pay attention to. They also give lawyers something to do other than practice law. And of course, they make every single one of the 311,591,917 believe that they can make a difference just by pushing a few buttons.

Because nothing is more empowering than getting together every four years to disagree.

Speak for yourself, Mr. Anderson. The only reason my family doesn’t have any cats is because they’re all allergic. But we’ve tried. And I’ll have you know that I had a cat before I had a sibling. Cats are cool. And Rickys drool.

It’s like they all of them–Democrats, Republicans, Greens, Libertarians, Rastafarians–all read the story of Mary, Martha, and the “better part.” And all still decided to be a bunch of “Marthas” anyway.