I work full time at a doctors office,
which I love! I love watching documentaries, eating healthy, random adventures,
hot weather and goofing around.

The Story

How old were you when your
addiction began?

When I was a very young
girl. Probably around 6 years old.

What were the life events
and circumstances that led to your addiction?

I had a neighbor who
taught me at a very young age to masturbate. I did not know it was wrong at the
time. I remember feeling uncomfortable and telling her to stop. I ran home, but
couldn't stop thinking about how much I liked it. I was curious, but wanted to stay away. My parents wanted me to be-friend
her so I kept hanging out with her.At
first I didn't want to hang out with her. But I couldn't stop thinking about
what I had learned and how it felt. I began to learn more. Over the years I
craved more.

How did your addiction
progress?

Because I was
“be-friending” this girl I spent a lot of time with her. I began to love what
she told me, and how it felt. It helped me fall asleep. It helped me escape
from anger, sadness, loneliness but it especially helped me fall asleep. When I was twelve my
family moved to a new country. I was so excited. However, when we got there is
was so different than I thought. I was home sick and wanted to go home so
badly.I began to be overwhelmed with
new things, new people, new school, etc, and I felt isolated. My addiction grew a lot
in this time. Not only because I isolated, but because I heard words and saw
things that I was not familiar with. I grew more curious. I loved when I was
introduced to more explicit terms and actions. I started to find books that
talked about things that I “loved”. Then it turned to watching “sex scenes” in
movies. I also wanted more and as I grew older I learned that men could help me
feel “satisfied” in my addiction.It was
a hole that could never be filled. I always wanted more, needed more. It began
to rule my life, my entire will.

What experiences did you
have that led to your breaking point, or your rock-bottom moment?

I had broken up with a
particular guy to turn away from my addiction. I claimed I was going to change
this time around. Within a few days, maybe weeks, I couldn't any longer. I
relapsed. I thought if I started going to church it would help. As I began to go to church I started seeking
a boyfriend. I quickly found a boy in my ward. We quickly began spending a lot
of time together. Within a few weeks we were seeing each other. With my cravings still
there I would masturbate every once in a while, also saying it would be the
last time. But I couldn't tame my desire, my craving. So I got in contact with
an ex-boyfriends friend. I started seeing this guy, as well as the “good guy”
from church. This other boy did exactly what I wanted him to do and I for him,
that is, physically. I told no one about him for a long time. I would go over
to his house very late at night. Yet, that still wasn't enough. I starting
chatting with men online, I had a “good” boyfriend in the day and saw that
other guy at night.I couldn't get off
the computer. I really was living a double life. I surely didn't realize it at
the time. However, it hit me really
hard when I thought I was expecting a baby. I wondered what I would tell people
that saw my “good girl life." What would I tell the “good guy” and would the
guy I was seeing at night really stay with me? I was so deep in my addiction. I didn't know who I was or what I really wanted...besides sex and masturbating. Soon after, I figured out
I was not pregnant. At first I was so relieved . But anger followed quickly. I
thought I was going to lose the guy I had been seeing at night. So I lied, I
used pregnancy to make him stay. I was so desperate. I was obsessed with my
addiction. My heart was yelling STOP, but my body was controlled, mesmerized. I
could never get enough, ever. My life was lies, chaos and complete desperation.

What was your perspective
of yourself at this point?

I hated my life. I was so
depressed. My life was so dark. I loathed everyone who told me how good I was.
I “knew” I wasn't. I absolutely hated myself.
I felt completely out of control. I was certainly out the reach of the
Lord’s love. I was so exhausted from lying.Living a double live took a lot.
I hated lying all the time, but I felt I had no other choice. Words cannot
express the soul wrenching pain I felt during this time.

Where did you turn for
help?

I had been in and out of a
bishops office for years. Of course, I had always justified my addiction(s)
with a bishop or I wouldn't bring it up at all. This time I knew I needed more.
I went to my single’s ward bishop. I didn't tell him everything at first. I did
tell him I needed help. Lots of help. Although I felt like he didn't help a lot
at first I began to grow close to him, over a long period of time. I
felt like it was nice to have someone to talk to. Nice to have someone who didn't judge me.

What was the turning point
of your addiction?

My turning point started
with fully giving up both men in my life who I had been seeing. But more
so, giving up my double life. I stopped seeing them completely. I was miserable
at first. I had so many cravings. I slipped and would see them. I would slip on
my own. But my bishop was there for me every time (and looking back I know the
Lord was too). I still slipped, but once I found a wonderful women’s group with
people who understood me, who struggled, who didn't judge me... I was changed.
I was surrounded by earthly angels in group. I felt the spirit. I finally felt
hope. And I began to find the Lord through the LDS Addiction recovery program
(ARP) group.

How did you experience the
Atonement of Christ?

I grew up in the church
and I always thought I knew what it was, how to use it and how it felt. By
being in recovery my view has been changed completely. I didn't know what the atonement was before.
I thought I prayed and asked for forgiveness and it was granted to you through
the atonement. It is so much more then that. The atonement to me means
that every single day I have the Lord, my brother there for me. He literally
feels every single pain I feel. He knows the pain of the sins I have completed.
He knows how I feel with physical, spiritual and mental pain. But more
importantly He knows how it feels to feel the mercy of God. He knows how it
feels to be clean and virtuous. He knows what it feels like to be in the arms
of our loving Father. I could list things forever, because He knows everything.
He has experienced everything we have.He can succor me
perfectly. I think of it as: when he was in the garden he went through my entire life. He saw every moment of my life. He
felt every high and every low that has been and is to come. He experienced the
pain of all of it, so I don’t have to. He has felt the joy, and we can
celebrate together. The atonement is something
so miraculous. I am grateful I get to learn more about it and learn how to
apply it through the steps of the addiction recovery program.

What difference did
Christ's Atonement make in your life?

As I am coming to know
Jesus Christ better and understand the atonement better it is mind blowing. It
is so incredible to think about. The atonement made me who I
am and put me where I am. It is a part of my daily life. It has filled the huge hole of my addiction and continues to fill every little gap. The atonement is
perfectly beautiful and amazing.

How is life different for
you today?

I am happy!! I don’t feel
soul wrenching pain. I don’t feel trapped! I am able to love others and be
loved by those around me, especially by my father in heaven. I am not
controlled by something or someone. I am free...not only free but happy. Truly
happy!!

What is your perception of
yourself?

I feel of worth. I feel
accomplished. I feel so blessed. I am a miracle, through the Lord. I still
struggle with being hard on myself about my past or about mistakes I am
currently making. (It is something I am working on.) Deep in my addiction it
was the complete opposite. Every mistake I made pushed me back deeper and
deeper into isolation. Now, I have the opportunity to choose to turn to the
Lord or to be prideful and do my own thing. How wonderful it is to know that I
am a daughter of God. That I will and do make mistakes, but that I have a sweet
and loving Redeemer who will be there for me always.

ARP Meetings

What was the scariest
thing about going to your first ARP Meeting?

I actually was really
excited to go. I wanted to change. I had hope. Yet, I doubted that I would
really find someone who understood my addiction. No one else was like me. No
one had done such terrible and awful things. Once I went into the room
where group was held I was overwhelmed by all the girls that were there. I got
really nervous. What would I say?I
started to doubt why I even came. The meeting began and I was so worried by
what they talked about. As we went around the circle they used terms that I didn't understand. I felt out of place, at first.

If you could go back in
time, what counsel would give to yourself about going to a meeting?

I don’t know if I would
have done something different. I was searching for someone, something that
would help me stop. Really once and forever stop my addictions. I wanted
someone who understood what I was going through. Group gave that all to me and
more!

Everybody reads the
confidentiality statement. What is your experience with confidentiality?

I am so very thankful for
it. I have had confidentiality broken in my life (outside of group). It is
painful and so humiliating. I am so grateful I have a safe haven ARP groups
provide. It makes it so easy for me to feel the spirit, to really open up and
be honest with others and myself.

What is your experience
about finding support from others in the meetings?

I searched for a long time
to find just one person on earth who understood what I was really going
through. The first time I went to group a woman shared her story about what she
has been through. It was beautiful and I could really relate to her. I felt the
spirit (which at the time was not something I felt very often). It is so
amazing to have a sponsor, someone who supports me always. Someone who has been
somewhere similar to where I have been. Someone who has felt the devastation of
sin and addiction, but has felt the power of the atonement work in her life. Members in group are
amazing! Every week I bring my notebook and record what people have said that
has impressed me. I leave group with a sore hand and so much inspiration. I am
able to feel the spirit. I am able to be who I really am, talk about what I really
am feeling and not be judged. It gives me a time and place to reevaluate my life and where I am in my
recovery.But the most important thing
is that I am able to feel the spirit and draw closer to the Lord.

Experience with Priesthood
Leaders

What was the role that
your Bishop played in your recovery?

The last bishop I went and
saw played a huge role. I wanted to change. I wanted to stop acting out, but I couldn't My bishop was hard on me. He helped me see the reality of what my
addiction did. He helped me see where my life was going if I continued in my
addiction; which at the time was HUGE!

He also gave me a manual
to the Addiction recovery program. He helped me get started on the steps, even
though I felt so unready. He was there for me. He didn't judge me. He cared for
me. He was a great example of the Savior.

What advice would you give
to a Bishop working with somebody with your addiction?

First off, follow the
spirit, of course! You are set apart for this. The lord knows you. He knew you
could be a bishop. He is trusting you
with this precious individual. So even though you may not understand an
addiction or why they are doing what they are doing. Have an open mind. Be
accepting! No judgement.Think of all the strength
it took for them to come into your office and confess. Show them that love and
acceptance, because at the deep points of their addictions they do not feel
love. Learn about the LDS
addiction recovery program. Go to groups. Do the steps yourself! Learn about
addictions!!

What advice would you give
somebody who is considering speaking to their Bishop?

It is scary, but it will
pass. It will be such a relief to talk with someone. The bishop is set apart to
help you. He is a servant of the Lord’s. He will not tell anyone what you have
told him. It is safe with him. He can lead you on the right path. Be completely
honest with your bishop. I was to scared to tell my
bishop everything, so I wrote him a letter and gave it to him. This way I was
not justifying or leaving anything out.It helped me be honest with him. Maybe consider writing him a letter or
an email. He will keep it confidential and safe.

An Added Experience Regarding the Posting of Rachel's Interview

Literally five minutes after I posted this interview, Rachel sent me the following text message:

Feeling so triggered. Craving it and not wanting to tell you or anyone because I just want it. I don't want to tell myself no. I feel like I deserve it. I know it's all lies. Know it's not worth it. So hard. Aww, what happened?

I immediately saw what was happening and quickly responded:

I know why. It's because I just posted your interview 5 minutes ago and Satan's ticked.

Rachel gave permission for me to share this text exchange because we both feel it is important to recognize that Satan is hyper aware of the reach and influence we have when we act as an instrument in the Lord's hands. He knows that through the courage and bravery shown in these interviews that many will be touched with hope and light will begin to dissipate their shame.

Rachel was attacked at the very moment her story of trusting and leaning on the Savior was shared with the world.... She was surrounded in absolute darkness and she REACHED!

I'm so proud of you Rachel!

Let this be a lesson to us all!

If you would like to leave a message for Rachel, please do so in the comments. She is reading!

Thank you so much for all your amazing comments. I really have been nervous about having this posted, but it has been an amazing experience. Thank you Sid for giving me this opportunity. You can follow my (some what of a) blog at: http://recoveryanehealing.blogspot.comThanks again to you all. -Rachel

Thank you so much for sharing your story! Very brave to do so. I'm wondering where you live? I'm in Sacramento and I can't seem to find any only female ARP meetings! The church offers a ton of only men meetings and combined, but I feel a female meeting would be so good for me. I'm starting to think these female meetings only exist in Utah?

Ezekiel 34:11-12,16

"For thus saith the Lord God; Behold, I, even I, will both search my sheep, and seek them out. As a shepherd seeketh out his flock in the day that he is among his sheep that are scattered; so will I seek out my sheep, and will deliver them out of all places where they have been scattered in the cloudy and dark day. I will seek that which was lost, and bring again that which was driven away, and will bind up that which was broken, and will strengthen that which was sick"