THIS WEEK IN POSTERS: I promised you guys last week that I’d get this feature onto a regular schedule, and it’s Tuesday afternoon, so so far so good. This week we’ve got Battleship, Friends with Kids, that one where the guy from 2 Live Crew bangs naked zombies, and I try not to burst an O-ring over a new batch from The Iron Lady. Enjoy!

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter – Yes, this project continues to be ever so cute. But ever since I saw Bill Murray shirtless in madras pants holding an axe and a bottle of wine in the Moonrise Kingdom trailer, every other axe wielder pales in comparison. Sorry, Abe.

I still have no idea what this is about, but I am slightly intrigued, so I guess that’s a poster win. Also, don’t these people normally sell oranges? DAMMIT, WHERE’D THIS RACIST KEYBOARD COME FROM?

The Apple Pushers, narrated by Edward Norton, follows the inspiring stories of five immigrant pushcart vendors who are rolling fresh fruits and vegetables into New York City’s food deserts – neighborhoods where finding a ripe, red apple is a serious challenge and where obesity rates are skyrocketing. These micro-entrepreneurs, who hail from Ecuador, Russia, Mexico, and Bangladesh, are at the heart of a unique urban strategy, the Green Cart Initiative, which seeks to increase the availability of fresh produce in under-served communities, in an effort to combat the obesity epidemic found in so many of America’s cities. [IMDB]

Hmm, I’m a bleeding heart on most things, but “New York’s food deserts?” What, you had to walk six blocks to find fruit? Yeah, I’m sure that’s the root of this country’s obesity problem, people just couldn’t find fruit. Though I will say that this plan is a lot more refined than that “throw apples at the fatties” initiative I tried to push through.

THE OCEAN IS DIAGONAL! At this point I should start counting the posters that don’t have inexplicably diagonal horizon lines. If this film loses less than $50 million, I will be very sad.

So… the exit strategy is to… vacuum that guy’s head? It doesn’t seem like you’ve really thought this through. Or that you know how vacuums work. And wait a second, are you telling me that “Big Boy” and “Big Boi” are two separate people? Every single thing about this is confusing.

Hey, QDeezy. I know you probably think you’re cool and all, but no one’s above the “U after Q” rule.

Nic Cage, so intense, so aflame. Why, it’s almost as if he’s on fire with the spirit of fiery vengeance. Also, the French makes it seem so much classier. “L’esprit de Vengeance. ” It could almost be an upscale nightclub.

And here we have a big batch of parody political posters for The Iron Lady. It’s funny that it describes her as a conservative, because the actual movie is such a de-politicized, grey, hunk of oatmeal farts that you would never have known. These posters imply political conflict, whereas the actual movie was about her learning to talk more loudly so the boys would listen, and when people opposed her it was because she was bitchy. Making political posters for this movie would be like drawing a swastika on Free Willy. No way the guy (or girl) who made these has actually seen the film. I wish he or she would’ve directed it.

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See, now that’s how you make a poster. Bats with rusty nails in them? I’m in. It even inspired me to look up the trailer. Unfortunately, no bats with nails in them, but it does have Paul Giamatti. Call it a wash?

Ah, I see Luc Besson has made a film about prize-winning wheat, apparently. Seriously though, that’s tall wheat. I want to know her secret. This could be really compelling.

Something about the way the Lorax is drawn I find inexplicably appealing (maybe it’s that it kind of looks like an otter?), much like a muppet. The fact that Frank Reynolds’ voice will be coming out of it is just gravy.

I wish I had a bunch of quotes like this above my Facebook picture. That way people would have to scroll down and be like, “Who is this guy?! He sounds incredible!” “BEST DUDE EVER!” -Awesome Dude Magazine.” “Snappy dresser, smells like a dream,” -Hairlip Jim, Peet’s Coffee Barista.

The true story of a working class boy who moves to the nation’s financial capital at a young age and becomes one the most influential politician in Brazil’s history. [IMDB]

So who is this guy? I only know Brazilians if they’re good at beating people up.

I assume there’s some cutesy inside joke that explains the misspelled title. We call that the “Pursuit of Happyness” in the business. They also did it in the Precious credits, which was actually kind of embarrassing to watch.

Here’s a whole batch of posters for the Star Wars Episode I 3D re-release, most of them as half-assed as the idea of releasing Episode I in 3D itself. Ooh, floating heads in the shape of a light sabre? Jeez, you really outdid yourself on that one. My question: what person doesn’t know Episode I sucks by now?

Strong concept, I know what it’s about – nice poster. I kind of wish Justice had bigger boobs, but what can you do.

Aw, dammit, don’t tell me WIND energy has a dark side to it now too. If I watch three more documentaries, I’m going to be living in a cave eating moss.

Wind power… it’s sustainable … it burns no fossil fuels…it produces no air pollution. What’s more, it cuts down dependency on foreign oil. That’s what the people of Meredith, in upstate New York first thought when a wind developer looked to supplement the rural farm town’s failing economy with a farm of their own — that of 40 industrial wind turbines. WINDFALL, a beautifully photographed feature length film, documents how this proposal divides Meredith’s residents as they fight over the future of their community. Attracted at first to the financial incentives that would seemingly boost their dying economy, a group of townspeople grow increasingly alarmed as they discover the impacts that the 400-foot high windmills slated for Meredith could bring to their community as well as the potential for financial scams. With wind development in the United States growing annually at 39 percent, WINDFALL is an eye-opener that should be required viewing for anyone concerned about the environment and the future of renewable energy. [officialsite]

Dammit! I thought I was being hyperbolic and clever when I wrote that first bit. It’s even worse than I thought. Terry Gilliam needs to finish his Don Quixote movie so it can kill this movie with a lance.

I dig the retro vibe (although the juxtaposition of the hand the the cross makes the lady of the lake look like she’s desperate to find Jesus). I’m not seeing it though, too scary. Anything with Daniel Radcliffe in it is a horror movie, in my book. That goony lurker creeps me the hell out.

The Words– it’s almost as if Bradley Cooper’s beautiful face inspires people to poetry, to say nothing of the color of his eyes, unable to be reproduced in nature. Me, I hear words like “beauty” and “handsomness” and “incredibly chiseled features” and for me that’s like a vanity of self absorption that I try to steer clear of.

FYI, if you are going to make a nail club, you have to wrap the end of the bat or axe handle with wire (preferably barbed), or else the wood will split. Fucking amateurs. Those holes in the poster in #9 were clearly drilled.