Category: Life Reflections

“Stay At Home” Order

You know how it is when someone dies? How all of your scheduled “busy” rushes before your eyes until you check yourself? Someone just died! Your “busy” is not important right now. NOT IMPORTANT AT ALL! And in that moment, you stop! Stunned by the realization that nothing really matters more, at this moment, than this loss.

Dealing With The Loss Of “Normal”

And you cry, first for the person but then for yourself. Your loss! Nothing will be the same again.

And you go through the days filling in the empty with arrangements. Who will take care of that person’s “busy”? Who will want to know and cry along with you? They will want to grieve their loss too. You keep yourself wrapped up in this world of grief and loss and sadness and anger and denial and blame for as long as it takes: an isolation imposed on you until everything is made right or as close to right as can happen.

Acceptance

But then something else happens. The sun comes up. You look at it, surprised! Doesn’t the sun know that nothing is supposed to be the same anymore? But there it is, shining; filling the day with brightness. You can’t help but smile! That sun seems to be smiling at you too, reminding you that things do go on.

And then you hear the birds, They’re singing! “Now is not the time!” you start to say but then you stop yourself. Why not sing now? Why not let yourself feel joy? Why shouldn’t you take in this moment?

After all, this moment, that sunshine, those birds are there as a gift for you.

This moment, that sunshine, those birds.

Oh I know. They weren’t in you schedule; your list of “busy”. But they’re there now.

Make a New Normal

Maybe they always were. You just didn’t take the time to notice. Now that you notice though perhaps they should be put into your schedule. You’ve been given a chance to redefine your list of “busy”.

Remember when days seemed to go so slow?

When waiting for something seemed like an endless chore? “I can hardly wait until…I turn sixteen so I can drive.. graduate from high school… turn 21 so I can legally drink… graduate from college… get married… have a baby… buy my first house.” And then something happens. All of a sudden, the “I can’t wait until” becomes “I don’t want to turn 30…40…50…60! Slow down! Hold on! Everything is going too fast!”

And then, something inside your head says, “Just breathe.”

You stop for a moment and do just that and it’s like the first time that you actually heard birds singing or saw that tiny flower poking through the ground. It’s the first time that you stood still and actually felt the warmth of the sun and saw the rays beaming through the branches of a tree. And hearing a baby cry sounds more like a miracle instead of a noise.

Slow down

It’s at this point that you realize that each day is a gift and you have a choice. You can rush through the day and fall exhausted into bed each night feeling as though you will never ever get everything done and time is passing you by. Or, you can find it in yourself to slow down and look at everything as a gift. Today is a gift. My home, the people who surround me, my health, the food in my cupboards, and that sunshine are all gifts.

Enjoy the moment

Once you allow yourself this moment, you realize that nothing is more important…not yesterday…not tomorrow. This moment is a gift. Enjoy it.

“I am a little pencil in the hand of a writing God who is sending a love letter to the world.” Mother Teresa

I’ve taken a long extended break from WordPress but have continued to write in my journal – three pages, every day.

After writing, I feel a need to simply be still, for a while, and have found this to be a good time to read a book called Spiritual Literacy – Reading the Sacred in Everyday Life by Frederic and Mary Ann Brussat. It’s a book that’s been around for awhile; copyright 1996, but I have carried it with me, with good intentions, and now seems to be the right time to savor the words.

So there I was, reading for a bit, after writing in my journal and up crops this quote. This is one of those quotes that jumped out at me and I knew I would have to write about it further. One of the reasons that I stopped sharing in this blog was exactly this. I had come to feel as though God had picked up my pencil. I was being guided through thoughts and feelings too personal to share. Too many things happening too fast. I couldn’t process it all. I was being told that I was stronger than I believed, that I had to let go, lead each day with gratitude, believe in my creativity, intuition, and most importantly, believe in the messages. For some time, my journal entries were assisted with “Spirit Guide” Cards by Steven Farmer, as well. Every day – shuffle the deck of Spirit Animal cards and pick number 14. Why 14? That’s just what I seemed directed to do. Every day; number 14. Every day, the message was different but it always seemed to fit me that day.

Today, I felt as though it was time to shuffle the Earth Magic cards instead. I use this deck of cards only when I feel as though I am going through a transition. This deck gets shuffled. I count to number 14 and pull that card. That will stand for my Past. I keep counting out another 14. This one will be my Present. And finally, another 14 and this will represent my Future. For some reason, today was the day to do this.

My Past: Forest (Breathe)

This one caught me by surprise. It was so perfect. I have moved away from the home on the edge of a nature preserve. I would walk these trails every day, sometimes twice. I felt I had been brought to this very location for a reason. I needed a place where I could feel safe and I found it under the trees (the Standing Ones). I found gentleness and courage with the animals: deer, squirrels, chipmunks, turtles, and birds. And then, I saw the glorious beauty of the butterfly on flowers and I came to understand that this signified a time for a change. It was time for me to move on.

My Present – Crystals (Focus)

“Where your attention flows, your intention goes.” Since moving away from the woods and going through significant change within my family, I have struggled with the idea of allowing things to just be. I have needed to come back, again and again, to “Focus”. Focus on the moment. Focus on gratitude, Focus on positive energy. It has been hard, hard work! That might be why this card presented itself upside down!

My Future – Mountain (Strength)

In the center of this frame is a photo I took from the side of a mountain in Sedona. At the time, I was sitting there alone and afraid. Now, I get a Mountain card as my future and it says “It makes no sense to deny the strength you have at the cost of allowing yourself to be reactive and subject to external influences far beyond what is healthy for you.”

It says that the current situation requires vigilance but not to the point of fear or paranoia. I am to imagine myself as “a mountain of strength, solidly grounded, head touching the sky.”

See, God speaks to me.

“I am a little pencil, in the hand of God who is sending a love letter to the world.”

This older me, this wiser me…

looks back before I head into this new year. This older me, this wiser me reflects on one simple question: “What really mattered in my life? What really mattered?

Was it to be popular with others my age (first in school, then in my job, then with other parents, and on and on)? I wanted so much to be popular. Did that really matter?

Was it to have nice things (clothes, cars, houses, furniture)? I longed for nice things, worked hard for nice things, my whole life. Did those things really matter?

I did so much in my life. I always wanted more. I had a career, a marriage, children. I raced from task to task, wanting to be the best for each of them; always longing to be better than I felt I was, feeling less than perfect all the time.

Did it matter? Did it really matter?

This older me, this wiser me looks back and thinks…

What really mattered was the laughter, the love, the hugs, the conversations, the moments of pure joy. None of these things had popularity or fashion or money requirements. They came to me free of charge with only one requirement; I had to give these things back to others.

This older me, this wiser me…

found peace inside, and with that peace came this simple but profound understanding. I realized, as I looked back on my memories that when I laughed, others laughed. When I hugged, I got a hug in return. When I listened to others, others listened to me. When I shared my moments of pure joy, it made others happy and they, in turn, shared their’s. When I gave love, I got loved right back.

So, what really matters in this life?

How about if you STOP! Stop trying to be… and do… and want… and need… something more. STOP! Stop wishing…and hoping… and longing…for something you don’t have. STOP! Stop believing that being popular, having a great job, making lots of money is what matters…because… it doesn’t.

In the end, the older you, the wiser you will look back… at the laughter… the love…the hugs…the conversations…the moments of pure joy.

And, they were all free to give and freely given in return.

So, this older me, this wiser me says…

This is my gift to you for the new year. You don’t have to wait to be old to be wise. Right now, today, you can bring laughter into your day, you can hug someone and listen (really listen) to someone. And then, try sharing a moment of pure joy. See for yourself. See if, by doing these things, you find love.

I left a place that I called “home”
But realized that “home” is not a place at all.
A place is rooms with carpeted floors
A box with windows and paint on the wall.
A “home”, on the other hand,
Is much more than that.
A “home” is pictures, and gifts,
and stories from your past.
A “home” is the collection of treasures
from your children’s younger days.
Those things they wanted kept safe
When they moved away.
A “home” is those stubborn plants
that survive!
They must want to be with me.
They’re still alive!
“Home” is a typewriter,
an old-fashioned pair of shoes,
a harmonica, a magazine rack;
things I could never bear to lose.
“Home is all those things
that I was willing to pack and carry away.
Then, quickly take them out, place them around me.
And then I realize
“Home” never moved away.

Over the past months, I have been through a very dark time; emotions at an all time high. I practiced breathing with regular walks in a woods and soothing music during car rides. I wished, with all my might, that things could be different. Still the inevitable was going to happen. It was out of my control.

I sit now, in a quiet place, on the other side of the storm, and I’m being told that it’s time to give thanks. Give thanks and then think about what you would really want in your life. Believe that it already exists. Stop any negative noise that tells you different. That will negate the process.

So, I did it. I first thought about everything that I am truly thankful for and the list is long. I have my health, a beautiful family, a lovely place to live, enough money to pay the bills, and connections to people whom I truly enjoy. I have everything I need, so this changes what you would think I would request.

If I Could Have, In My Life, Anything I Wanted What Would It Be?

Turns out it’s not to undo everything that just happened in my most current storm. I do understand that everything happens for a reason and I have to be open and accepting.

It also turns out that it’s not money; at least not millions of dollars. I really just want enough money to stay independent. I want enough money to, once in awhile, buy something frivolous. I want enough money so that I can look around me and say with pride “I must have done a good job.”

It’s not about wanting the lives of people who have passed to be back. I really have always thought that they never left. I feel their presence in every big event. I feel their arms around me in every crisis.

So, Tell Me What You Want, What You Really Really Want!

After giving it some serious thought, I realized that what I really want is bigger than all of the above.

I want to love and be loved by the people around me. I want to be important in the lives of my kids but not so much that it makes us all dependent on each other. I want to stay healthy and strong because with that strength comes my desire to remain independent. I to be surrounded by people who accept others for being a child of God regardless of their race, sexual orientation, or beliefs. I want, also, surround myself with people who are want to help others. I want to be one of those people too. I want to always be humble. A long time ago, I was told that I was not so special, and for a while, I believed that to be a negative. Now, I agree. I am a small dot in this massive universe. Small dot or not, though, I want to matter.

Now, Imagine That You Already Have Everything You Wished For

I have read that a person brings energy into their life (either positive or negative) based on what you allow yourself to believe. I want to bring in as much positive energy as I can, so here goes:

I believe that I put out love and I am truly loved by others.

I am important in the lives of my family but they are not dependent on me.

I am healthy and strong. I am independent.

I am surrounded by people who accept others for being a child of God regardless of race, sexual orientation, or beliefs.

I am surrounded by people who love to help others. I am one of them.

I am humble.

I do matter.

Try It Yourself

This was an eye opener for me. Initially, I thought what everyone thinks when asked, “If you could have anything you want, what would it be?” My answer was, “A million dollars.” But by doing this activity, I realized how weak that wish really is. I don’t want or need a million dollars to be happy. I am, instead, truly blessed. And, although I have been put through a storm, it only made me stronger. Every storm tests your resolve and I believe I weathered this one. This has made me ponder what is really important in life. I will continue to remind myself of all that I have to be thankful for and every time I allow a negative thought, I will go back to my thankful list. Negative thinking sinks boats when there’s a storm.

So, if you could have anything you want, what would you wish for? Start with thankfulness for all you have, then think again about what else you need to fulfill your life. Then turn them all into positive belief statements. Pretend you already have them. Allow this positive energy to help make all your wishes come true.

Oh, autumn woods, I thank you!
So many lessons learned beneath your trees,
You’ve taught me what to do.
You’ve guided with your gentle breeze.
But it’s time.
Your tree’s brilliant colors captivate!
Reds mixed with yellow and hues of green and brown.
You told each leaf that it’s time to celebrate.
Listen! The leaves are applauding all around.
It’s time.
Change is happening. I can see it in the sky.
Summer’s warmth, while so sublime
Now chillingly says “It’s time to fly.”
Time to let go. It’s time…
It’s time.
Then the winds grow still all around
A quiet respect fills the air.
Geese take to the sky with a mournful sound.
“Good-bye”, they seem to share.
It’s time.
Colors explode with each new day.
Trees still filled with brilliant splendor all around.
Then suddenly the leaves exclaim, “I can no longer stay.”
And they drift, unceremoniously, to the ground.
It’s time.
The leaves are now a burden to the tree
But they did their job and they loved it so.
Drifting, floating, suddenly free
They understand. They need to let go.
It’s time.
The sun peaks out from behind a cloud
Shining, now easily, through branches of the tree.
“Don’t be sad”, it seems to say out loud.
“I’ll put sparkle elsewhere, you’ll see.”
It’s time.
Animals are busy, scurrying about
Gathering food to tuck away.
It’s like they’re telling me, “There’s little doubt
We must prepare for another day.”
It’s time.
Plants, dropping seeds everywhere, you’ll find.
They tell us this is how they survive.
They say, “Leave a little bit of yourself behind.
Then you, too, will stay alive.
It’s time.
Oh autumn woods, it’s so hard to say good-bye.
“Don’t worry, my child, you’ll be fine, you know.
It’s time, now, for you to learn how to fly.
You can do it. You just have to let go.
It’s time, you know. It’s time.

To have a beautiful life,
find the beauty in everything.
Sarah Marie Thompson

Ok, I need to play this out. This is the month from hell. Rethinking it as beauty, is today’s challenge to myself.

My daughter, her husband, and my grandson are leaving.

Sadness

Beauty

I will no longer take care of my grandson 3 days a week.

What a gift it has been to have been allowed to care for him for nearly 2 years.

I will miss the time I have spent with this daughter.She was so insistent that I get involved with her passion.So, I spent time volunteering to stuff envelopes, run errands, and help out at events.

I was able to be part of the magic that is First Stage, a children’s theater academy.I was able to help my daughter but I ended up feeling like part of a greater family.

I worry for my daughter.She has left friends, family, and a job she loved to make this move.

I am proud of my daughter.She loves her husband so much.She is, selflessly, turning the spotlight on him right now. That’s true love.

And the hardest part of all is that they will all be so far away.

Thankfully, there are such things as Face Time now.Video chats can happen every day, if we choose.

I am moving too!

Sadness

Beauty

I somehow found myself renting a place that actually faces a nature preserve. This beautiful space has been my meditation space for 3 years.

I am moving closer to another daughter.We can easily walk to each other’s place whenever we want to.

When I first moved here, the animals that came out of the woods, scared me a bit.Raccoons would peer right into my patio door at night.Now, we have become comfortable with each other.I will miss their visits.

I, now, have such a beautiful appreciation for the gentle nature of animals.They have taught me so much about resilience, risk taking, and simply being gentle with myself.Their messages will live with me forever.

The paths into the woods were just steps away from my back door.Walking these paths has become a time of true meditation.

I have found something that brings me peace when I am troubled.I know, now, that it’s worth a small drive to spend time in such a sanctuary.

Why would I leave such a beautiful place?Rent!My income will not increase but the rent goes up each year.That fact makes it too difficult to stay.

My rent will go down substantially with this move allowing me the extra cash I will need, now, for airline tickets to visit my other daughter and grandson.

You know, I think this worked. Maybe just for the moment but this was a great way to refocus my brain.