Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Stomach still quite upset so took some Gravol and crawled back into bed. Was just getting comfy when I heard a thump and then some clicking noises so got up went around the bed and found Bagels coming across the bedroom towards me. Of course then I had to chase him down and put him back in the cage and remember to close the lid this time. He kicked up some sawdust at me and gave several loud thumps with his foot. In the wild that means danger; for him it means he's ticked off!!

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Sunday I had a nightmare about the stuff of Greg's still in my driveway [for those of you keeping track, he moved out on August 07]. I decided last night that I was going to call Greg's father Paul today about getting rid of this junk and probably because of that woke up this morning with an upset stomach. I ended up leaving work at lunch because my stomach was so upset. I came home and took some Gravol and spent the afternoon in bed.
Just about the time I would normally be getting home from work, Greg phoned. I answered to ask what he is doing about the shit in the driveway. He said he does not have access to a truck so does not know what to do with it. I pointed out to him that the only things that he owns with any financial value is the stuff left in my driveway; motorcycle, safe, generator, which is the reason I have been hesitating in turfing the stuff.
Greg was in tears more than once during our short conversation which of course brings out all sorts of emotions in me. I did not let on to him what I was feeling. I know things ended badly but I shared my life with him for 4 years and listening to him today made me sad. I am giving myself permission to be sad but going to take some Gravol and go to bed. Tomorrow I will continue with moving on.
I am so tired of talking about this and dealing with this. I really need this to be done once and for all.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

I have had this brutal cough for what feels like forever
so am pretty much adjusted to it. However
last Saturday afternoon I unexpectedly coughed while standing unsupported.I don’t know what happened but it felt like a
knife went through the right side of my chest and came out the back.It literally took my breath away. I was
hoping it would fade quickly so carried on with my day but within an hour I was
at Emerg.I was there for over 5
hours.That included an ECG to rule out
heart problem which I was not aware was an issue.They also did a chest x-ray.The final verdict was inconclusive; it is either a pulled muscle OR a
torn muscle OR a cracked rib.Rib cracks
don’t generally show up on x-ray until they start to heal.From my personal experience I am fairly sure
the rib is cracked.At any rate it hurts
like stink … I spent most of Monday lazing about but it was still very painful Tuesday morning so I booked off for the day. I went in to work on Wednesday but was very sore so I booked 1/2 day vacation for Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Hopefully that will help me get past the worst of this.

Saturday, November 03, 2012

I sent him an email “Don’t
want to be insensitive but can I ask what happened? Had she been ill?”

He responded with “Yes she
had, a lot worse than we knew.She had a
lot of pain, and made the decision to stop it and not have the family suffer as
well, and took her own life.She is a
peace, no pain, and probably telling God how to run his gardens.It is a positive thing.”

I
emailed a mutual friend to ensure she was aware of what was going on and told
her “What I heard was she was very ill
and took her own life”.

She
responded with “No she was not that ill. She had
some aches and pains – shit that comes with old age. However, the main
issue was depression.“

As someone
that has battled depression for more than half my life, this is kind of a hot
button for me.I know all too well the
mental and physical pain associated with depression.I have been fortunate to have good mental
health professionals when fighting depression or I could have very well taken
the same path as my friend’s wife.

It blows my
mind that this quite intelligent friend would say “she was not that ill” about a person that suffered from depression
bad enough to take her own life. It is
the year 2012; I thought people had realized that depression is a serious
mental illness, not a personal choice. Trust me there is not a person in the world that would deliberately make the choice to suffer with depression!