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Submitted by Mrs Lucky on Thu, 24/02/2011 - 12:31

After reading this site for almost a year and having many conversations, we recently started down our own road towards a Taken In Hand relationship.

We have been married for 23 years and together for almost 30 (we met in high school), so we have a really firm foundation to build upon. We’ve had many ups and downs over the years and a few rare times even wondered if we should go our separate ways. But overall, we’ve had a good life together. Our kids are almost grown and we have hit a nice stride of really loving, understanding and appreciating one another.

Yet, we wanted more. I felt like I wasn’t being true to myself or fair to my husband in the role I had taken on in our marriage. For various reasons, I took on the leadership role for our household and our relationship. It wasn’t until I read the articles on this site that it all clicked into place for me and I realized why I got so angry when Mr L let me walk all over him. I didn’t do this all the time, we mostly got along fine, but 95% of the arguments we had were based on resentment I felt because Mr L didn’t stand up for himself and that he let me and others take advantage of him. Because he wasn’t strong, I felt like I couldn’t completely put my trust in him. I felt like I was holding back a part of me from him and I feared that he was holding back a part of himself from me. To make matters worse, this was all left unsaid. We weren’t very good at communicating with each other about matters of the heart.

It may sound as if Mr L is a wimpy type of person, and so what would make me think he would want to be in a Taken In Hand relationship? Like many people he is a complex person. In the early part of our relationship, he showed more of his dominant traits and over time, he gave away (or let me inadvertently take) more and more power from him. This happened partly because he was in a job that took him away from the home often and for weeks at a time and when he would return I would have everything running just so and he felt like it would be disruptive to jump in, so he just stayed out of it more and more until I resented him jumping in when he did try to and I also resented him for not trying to jump in when he didn’t. It was also because he thought that was what I wanted and really one of his biggest goals is to make me happy.

Luckily, his job changed and he no longer had to travel as much but our roles had already been defined. Life was busy, we had kids, a house etc and years went by. We were mostly happy but didn’t feel as close as we once did, but we chalked it up to middle age and a hectic life.

Enter Taken In Hand. We had been experimenting a little with erotic spanking and I was starting to realize the feelings that his being dominant in the bedroom were provoking in me. It made me think of how he had been in the early years of our relationship and how our dynamic had changed so much since then. I knew he had it in him to be head of the household because he had exhibited head of the household behavior when we were first married and just seemed so much more confident at that time. I realized that we had been in a bad vicious cycle. My taking on the leadership role made him feel less valued. That made his self confidence go down and he felt less capable of stepping up at home and at work. He didn’t really feel needed. And my being the leader made me feel like I had the weight of our lives on my shoulders and that I was the only one I could trust to captain our ship. Ironically, we both wanted the same thing but we never realized it. I wanted to be able to lean on him and trust him to steer our ship and he wanted me to need him, to look up to him. We both wanted a deeper, more meaningful relationship.

It was only after I stumbled upon the Taken In Hand website that this all became clear and after much reading and talking, we knew what course we wanted to take.

The most amazing thing is how much deeper and fulfilling our relationship has become. Part of it has to do with the fact that we are communicating so much more. He says that communication is so important especially for a Taken In Hand relationship because of the power differential. I need to know what he expects and he needs to understand my needs. It sounds so simple, but it is so profound. We have talked more often and more honestly about our feelings, desires, hopes and fears in the last few months than we have in the last 29 years combined. That alone has brought us so much closer. Plus, he was always a man of few words and now that he is sharing more I am even more in love with who he is because I know more of who he is and he is amazing.

The results of our change are overflowing into every aspect of our lives. We are both so much happier being who we really are. Our sex life has been incredible, we are so in love, and it is a vicious cycle of good now instead of bad. He’s been taking more of an active role with the kids and his perspective is such a great addition to our household. And just this week he had something come up at work that he would have had a really hard time dealing with pre Taken In Hand, and frankly probably would have procrastinated about for months, but he took it by the horns right away and calmly and professionally dealt with it with great results. All of this has boosted his confidence in himself (and mine in him), he feels my love and admiration everyday and now our favorite thing is to lie in bed with me in his arms and just talk.

I hope this doesn’t sound like he is the only one doing all the work and changing. I’m doing my part too. It has been hard to give up being in charge and getting my way all the time. He says he wants to go slowly, so he hasn’t taken over everything but he has taken over me! We are working on my attitude towards him and I am trying to be respectful even when things aren’t going smoothly. (Much harder than it sounds!) I’m also trying not to tell him how to drive! (also really hard!) We never had lots of arguments and I never (well, hardly ever) treated him that badly, but now I am so much more aware of how I speak to him especially in front of the kids. I've noticed positive affects of my new attitude at work too. I have been able to think first and then speak(or not speak) much more often than before Taken In Hand.

The interesting part is that I thought I might like the spanking aspect, but I realize that I am actually pretty submissive and once I know where the line is, it is very hard to make myself cross it (which I don’t want to do anyways, because why would I purposely disappoint Mr L?) Plus the few times that I thought I might have crossed that line, I was really quite worried about what might happen next and incredibly relieved that he didn’t decide to spank me, even though we both agreed that he could. (I’m sure it will happen sooner or later and then we’ll know for sure if we want that to be an aspect of our relationship or not). I find that I just really want to make him happy and to do things for him all the time. He says he feels the same way. He has been texting me silly poems and we email back and forth often during the day just to say we love each other. I feel so fortunate.

All in all, it’s been so great to rekindle our love and to start to create an even deeper and more meaningful relationship where we are both giving all of ourselves and exposing all of ourselves to each other. We are honest with each other now and know each other’s deepest feelings. We trust each other and value the different things that we each bring to our relationship. And we have an overwhelming desire to be together and make our relationship the best that it can be.

Comments

That sounds great! It is always great to hear this kind of testimonial. I hope you provide follow up observations as to how it is going.

I wonder if your concern about being spanked, in the context of your agreement with your husband that he does, in fact, have the right to spank you, means that spanking is already performing a positive role in your relationship, even without actually having occurred yet.

This is my life!! I could've written it almost to the letter. Congratulations on your discovery, and I can tell you, the dynamic between my head of the household and I has just gotten better and better as time has gone on. Enjoy the journey together, best of luck!

Reader discussions

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What people say about Taken In Hand

“[Taken In Hand] is not a regressive return to patriarchy but a more nuanced, sophisticated, informed form of relationship that is far more equal than mechanically-equal relationships! Bravo.”
- saint_UK

“[U]ntil 2 days ago I thought I was a crazy, ... abnormal
woman. [T]hen I stumbled onto the Taken in Hand website. I have never felt such relief, such internal peace in my life. This whole idea of being loved and trusting enough in another to place my, his and our well-being into his hands was exactly what I have been searching for my whole life. I spent 16 hours just reading... It is like a huge weight has lifted off my shoulders.”
- Melissa

“It was my wonderful husband who made me ...see how a Taken In Hand relationship would be everything I ever wanted... Nothing... has ever changed me to such an extent... nor has anything been as liberating.”
- Peach

“[Taken In Hand is] a site advocating male led relationships, and it doesn't suffer from the flaws of BDSM that we've identified... It's a little too general, and too focused on marital relationships. But that aside, what it describes sounds a lot more authentically dominant than the BDSM I've seen. The [man is in control of the woman] in all spheres. But because he loves her and cares for her, he will behave within reason. Also, neither party has a way out, because they are married and believe marriage is for life. All that together makes this sort of relationship a lot more male dominant than typical BDSM ones. It's subversive, yet healthy and natural.”
- basilransom

“‘How does Taken In Hand help the man to feel positive about his relationship?’
Because it's SEXY. Because it allows him to dominate his woman in a loving and romantic way, which turns them both on and heats their love life up to a toasty sizzle. I see [Taken In Hand] as a chance for him to have fun flexing his manhood muscles and enjoy the thrill of dominating the woman he loves. That way it's a win-win situation for both of them. And it deepens the romantic bonds of love between us because few things can liven up a marriage like deep sexual passion.”
- DeeMarie

“[I]n Taken In Hand, I am enhancing and extending my power as a woman, and enriching my life and personality. I give up NOTHING, and gain the world.... [M]y perception of Taken In Hand is that there are few other venues that can compare for teaching men the responsible, healthy uses of power. It gives men skills and confidence they can use not just in their sexual relationships, but also with their children, in their professions, and out in the community. Taken In Hand requires a far higher level of courage, sacrifice, responsibility, and personal integrity than many [men] will even think to aspire to.”
- Sara

“Taken In Hand is about having the man in charge because you like it like that, it's not about blind obedience or never having your own way about anything.”
- Louise

“The Taken in Hand website has proven to be a valuable source for intelligent and well thought out articles exploring [male-led relationships]. [...] For women who have longed for a relationship such as this and have no idea where to start, this is a great site for you. For men that want to better understand the whole concept from a women’s point of view, this site is a must read.”
- Michael Masterson

“If you think my perspective on dating isn't politically correct you should go read Taken In Hand. [It has] posts with titles like, When rape is a gift. You go, girl. Defy those hairy-armpitted feminists and enjoy yourself. :)”
- Jacqueline Passey

“There are lots of websites for people in the BDSM, D/s, DD (domestic discipline) and spanking communities. There are websites for people who belong to religions that advocate male-head-of-household marriage. There are even websites for Christians who are interested in BDSM. But there are very few websites for people who are interested in male-led intimate relationships but who are not interested in all that the above communities associate with this kind of relationship (jargon, clothes, etc.)
Some of us don't even like thinking of this as a lifestyle. [...]
If you are interested in this kind of relationship but are not interested in BDSM or D/s or DD or spanking websites, there's a new website for you: Taken In Hand”
- Tom Newman

“Taken in Hand is a fascinating site. It’s refreshing to hear women speaking in those terms, standing up for core desires that are, for many people, an unpopular view...
What these women want, and apparently have found, is an experience and feeling of freedom to simply be who they desire to be. They have found REAL MEN.”
- J. Martinez

“If you're looking for real people who live a "male-led" relationship... check out the Taken In Hand site, which I found so much more colorful than Fifty Shades of Grey.”
- Kim

“[Taken In Hand is] a necessary read... Very complex, lots of power shifts, combining respect with [control], and pleasure. [...] The whole shebang. I'm glad I found it.”
- Dutchman

“Taken In Hand... is the name of a website that I discovered less than two years ago and which made a big difference to my life. It made me understand what it was I wanted and helped me to come to terms with my own feelings and gave me the impetus to talk seriously to my husband about our relationship for the first time ever really.”
- Louise C

“[Taken In Hand is] one of the most exciting sites on the internet!”
- Malcolm

“[T]he whole damn site really is one of the most well articulated (pro/con) loaded blogs I've seen. It provides a cross section of how people are feeling out there even amongst those who are “seemingly” natural allies.”
- zbigdogX

“As I view it, I'm a control freak. I love to be in control. However, I fantasize about that control being stripped from me and handed over to someone else....namely, my husband. I'm just glad I found a site that makes me realize I'm not a freak for wanting [a Taken In Hand relationship]”
- GypsyGirl

““[Taken In Hand is] a wonderful website [...] [I]t's about the interpersonal dynamics of loving relationships where the man is the boss. [I]t's assumed that both partners are in it because that's what they want and have chosen. Also, unlike many other “traditional marriage” sites, it's not coming from any sort of biblical perspective. ... Some of the best writing I've seen on these topics, from a variety of authors.”
- Dee

“Taken In Hand is actually a very important site for me and it helped a great deal in realizing how much women in general like to be dominated in their sexual relationship.”
- Athol Kay

“Taken In Hand is male led but male intimately led. ... I do like the Taken In Hand focus on family and the focus that marriage is between one man and one woman. That is actually very important to me.”
- Frank Nelson

“Innately, women look for men able to take charge and come to despise the man failing to live up to that instinctive expectation.
Over the next several years—as footloose and fancy-free lifestyles become increasingly fraught with dubious outcomes amid turbulent circumstances—finding and maintaining stable relationships will become imperative. Although by no means a perfect solution for all problems, Taken In Hand can solve or reduce many marital difficulties.”
- Noone

“The answer to every single discussion is there. Best piece of text I read ever...And it rings SO true.”
- Revan

“What a wonderful website. ... [S]o much of this I can relate to my life. ... It has been a while since I have read a website that was “different” than most.”
- Carla

“This website is just what I have been looking for for ages—but did not even know it! Have become weary of [other] sites, etc. They never really properly address the psychological components, all the subtleties [...] [A]nyway, thanks so much for existing, I have been telling my friends...hope your website sticks around forever!”
- A Girl From Texas