Ad Nausea

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When you're hosting a dinner party full of pretentious twits, in
your laboratory-clean flat, which has a kitchen the size of Telstra
Dome and a lounge room the size of the MCG, what's the first thing
that crosses your mind?

Right - to head straight off to the nearest underground,
high-tech mop development facility. What else?

This is the scenario hallucinated on our behalf by the
imaginative folks behind the ad-cum-'60s spy movie extravaganza for
the Vileda mop, or to give it its full name, the "Vileda Super-Mop,
with the unique micro-fibre cleaning zone".

To be brutally honest, when you look at the thing on screen, it
resembles a bunch of shredded Chux cloths attached to a long pole
but presumably this is where cutting-edge technology and
micro-fibre cleaning zones can be so cunningly deceptive.

This ad's a five-alarm doozy. It even starts off with its own
miniature, stylised credit-sequence, like a James Bond movie, or
The Avengers. There are no credits, as this is an ad, and
there's no real point to the exercise but it's a little touch of
creative insanity it would be churlish not to appreciate.

Fighting boldly through the most spectacularly maladroit
lip-synching of an overseas ad in recorded human history, Feisty
Blonde Heroine wastes no time in asking the hard-hitting question,
"Does this mop clean thoroughly?"

Female-Q immediately volleys back, even more out of synch: "Yes,
it does. Thanks to the high-performance micro-fibres which actually
lift dirt away."

I guess that's as opposed to metaphorically lifting dirt away,
which wouldn't be such a handy quality in a mop.

A rectangular panel in the ceiling slides back, revealing a
glass panel. We observe a kitchen-full of young women all wearing
white skivvies and trousers, indicating this is either a very
high-tech mop development facility, or choir-practice day at the
Swedish secret service.

One of them pours spaghetti sauce on the floor-glass panel, and
another immediately breaks out a blow-dryer, and performs the
first-ever home perm on a blob of bolognese.

Of course, the macro-fibre-optic ultra-mop cleans the blow-dried
sauce right off. You can see how handy this could be, presuming you
had glass floors, and local burglars prone to regularly breaking
in, making spaghetti sauce, pouring it on the floor, then
blow-drying it.