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Wide Hipped Sluts Shagging Way Through UK, Study Finds

“They have long been known as ‘child-bearing hips’. Now, a new study has revealed that women with wide hips are more likely to have one-night stands and more sexual partners in general.” This is how the Telegraph broke this week’s news that actual scientists are conducting ACTUAL STUDIES into just how much nookie you’re getting in relation to the width of your middle bit. Yeah.

Indeed, Leeds University, which apparently has nothing better to do than commission pointless research, ’found the shape of a woman’s body may play an important role in a woman’s decision to have sex because women with wider hips do, in fact, find childbirth less traumatic.’ WAIT. HOLD UP. You mean it’s not because men apparently find large-hipped women attractive? That makes a nice change from the usual biologically determinist body shaming guff the media comes up with. Thanks Telegraph! No, this time it’s about how big your vagina isn’t (or is). So actually, the same old body-shaming guff, just framed slightly differently. Never mind that, as several of our twitter users have highlighted, the width of your hips has nothing to do with the size of your pelvic cavity, let’s roll with it.

Unusually for the Telegraph, which is usually one of the more enlightened newspapers (amiright ladies?), the article is based on the age-old idea that women always have babies on their minds, even when they’re getting down to it with a complete stranger in a Travelodge after several rounds of quadvods. ESPECIALLY THEN. “This jagerbomb swilling Australian direct marketing expert who frequents Clapham Infernos while enrobed in a bodywarmer is as good a potential father as any” she must tell herself, of an evening. ‘It’s a good thing I have such wide hips, which by some biological miracle also have resulted in a correspondingly massive vagina so cavernous that will hoover up all his man sperm like the Hellmouth in Buffy, while cackling evilly in anticipation of the next 18 years of CSA cheques I’ll be getting. Sweet!’

Again, as one of our readers (they’re basically taking over our jobs, so wise and funny are they) pointed out, such stereotypes are pure Telegraph. Women have babies, like babies, look after babies, and, even when they’re pretending to do other stuff, other stuff that they think they can do as well as men (bless), they’re really just thinking about babies. BABIES BABIES BABIES BABIES BABIES.

Getting back to the topic of hips, however. The amount of detail this article goes into is insane. ‘The women for whom one-night stands accounted for three out of every four of their sexual relationships had hips at least 0.8inches (2cm) wider than those who had fewer one-night stands’, we are told. WELL KNOCK ME DOWN WITH A FEATHER TELEGRAPH, THAT’S SOME SCIENCE RIGHT THERE.

It’s over to the commenters on this one:

‘Yes! Another great bit of journalism on fat slappers. It’s why I read the Daily Telegraph’ says impeccable human being ‘johnnyjustiss’.

‘Doesn’t seem to have cramped Kate Moss’s style’, says future father of my children ‘foxie1′.

‘Isn’t this a variant of the awful truism “fat girls are more grateful”?’ Asks the virile and attractive ‘johnrhysdavies’

So there you have it, fat slappers of the UK. A veritable pool of sexy male talent to dip your chubby toes into. All for the taking below the line on any Telegraph article about women. I’m wet just thinking about it.

I had a ‘friend’ who, when she didn’t get the fella she wanted, when she say said fella and a lady, she would shout at that woman “FAT GIRLS PUT OUT!”. This ‘friend’ was 5ft8 and size ten, but me, at 5ft1 and size 16 always felt so insulted, but i never dared say anything, about this idea that fat women have no standards and would sleep with anyone who offered. she was the one who constantly craved men, I was the one who would rather enjoy my own time unless i found someone exceptional.

Since when did wide hips equate to being fat? I’ve got massive hips – like 42″ or something ridiculous- am 5’2 but wear a size 8 (trousers are not a friend of mine though, laughable times trying to find jeans that accommodate my arse but still fit everywhere else..).

It would be interesting to know the science behind fat men and one night stands. I (was) a fatty and never had a single one night stand at uni. Didn’t try that hard to get one. Wouldn’t have turned it down.

According to Springer, the science publication that broke this ‘story’, the lead author is a guy named Colin. Well I’m sure he knows exactly what he’s talking about. However, you can’t help but notice that the two women described as his ‘co-authors’ are named first on the official citation.

And another thing. Any other scientists reading this? Simpson et al have failed to grasp the difference between correlation and causality. Their conclusions are about as scientific as: “if it takes a woman 9 months to grow a baby it should take 9 women one month to do the same job.”

Agreed. I have the exact same problem with jeans and trousers generally – if you buy to fit your bum, they’re enormous everywhere else, particularly round your waist.

In my experience, if you don’t mind very skinny jeans, Topshop’s Leigh brand seem to work fairly well. Otherwise Levi’s Bold Curve range is ok, if more expensive, and I’m hoping this American start-up takes off – designed for athletes who have relatively large thighs and bum compared to their waists. http://www.barbellapparel.com/

Meanwhile, any recommendations for denim shorts that might fit would be much appreciated!

This is ludicrous. I can’t even believe my eyes.
Firstly, there are MANY reasons why understanding hip to waist ratio is important. Evolutionary psychologists use it to learn about mating in humans and its correlation to other mammals. Perhaps its good for psychologists to understand if this correlation is due to the growth of hips during ovulation, perhaps lower self esteem of women of larger size, I could list dozens of reasons why knowing women with bigger hips want more sex. Doctors that frequently preform c-sections might be interested in knowing which of their clients may be high risk early on. What about fertility specialists? There are a variety of reasons why this information is relevant.
Then lets take something that the article intended as a neutral statement about hips and attach our own spin on it. Lets get the vagina involved. Where, EVER does it say there is any sort of correlation between size of hips and size of vaginal canal? This is an assumption and an untrue one. HOWEVER, your hips do, in fact, play an important role in determining the size of your pelvic cavity. The vagina is soft tissue, if a baby wants out and your vagina doesnt want to let it, it tears. The bones that make up the size and shape of your hips? Ya thats hole in the middle there IS the pelvic cavity and if the bones are too close together the baby simply won’t get out causing serious harm to itself and the mother (theres a reason why up until modern medicine 50% of women and/or children died in child birth, its pretty good information for a potential mate to be able to pick up by looking at your if theres a 50% mortality rate). Perhaps a brief course in anatomy before making these assumptions would be beneficial.
Finally, this whole jumping to the conclusion that for this type of research to be conducted it means that the doctors (I presume the author here assumes all are male) have no reason to ever do any research unless its backed by the theory that all women ever think about is their desire for babies. This information could help keep women safe in a variety of ways and can be found interesting regardless of your opinion on child birth.
I find this to be more an example of taking a neutral statement, clouding it in the negative cloak of feminism, writing some uninformed rant on it then wondering why the rest of the world doesn’t take us seriously.

The study indicates measurement of the hips as the measurement from one side of the iliac crest to the other. Go ahead measure yours! Don’t be scared. That measurement has nothing to do with your weight. And their large hipped beauties at 14inches between the crest is a hard measurement to beat. There was such a small research group for this study anyways why would anyone give two hoots about what “findings” they say they might have when really it should just be botched. A reworking of your headline: Rather than “Wide hipped sluts shagging way through UK, study finds” how about “Small study relating hip size to one night stands should revisit the drawing board before opening their gob”. I understand wanting to backlash the inappropriate coverage of the study by The Telegraph, but least you could do is lead by example. I’m really not impressed with this piece.

I agree that the author took things way too far with this article, but I also don’t get the “size of hip to bang ratio” study. I just feel like in the modern times we live people are not having sex to pro-create, unless they’ve made a conscious decision to, so evolutionary psychology doesn’t explain current “mating strategies”. I have to admit that I’m massively biased, as a social constructivist I don’t buy into evolutionary psych, which (mostly) presents research by old white misogynist men.