Back to School Nerves

My stomach hurts every time I think about going back to school.

I know I have to face the fact that the summer is ending and school will be starting soon. I keep seeing commercials for “back to school” on TV, and every time we go to any store, the back-to-school items are on display as soon as we walk in. The problem is my stomach hurts every time I think about going back. I’m just so nervous. I really hope you have some advice for me.

Lauren Roth's Answer

Do you know that my stomach still clenches every time I feel a hint of September crispness in the air? Or see leaves turning red on trees. Or smell autumn smells. Or see cranberries and pumpkins. Or see plaid skirts – especially maroon or grey-colored ones! To me, those were signs, for years, that the summer was ending and school was about to begin. So I’m with you!

You are for certain giving yourself extra misery, woe, and sadness by worrying about it now.

The thing is, though, that being nervous about something before it even happens is just giving yourself more misery than the actual event brings. Whether school turns out to be great and wonderful or horrible and terrible, you are for certain giving yourself extra misery, woe, and sadness by worrying about it now.

Also, you might get to school and have a really hard time. You might find the classes to be difficult, you might not find the friends you want…but you might find the classes to be exciting, exhilarating, and interesting! And you might find really nice friends! And then you worried and made yourself miserable for nothing. That would be a waste of the wonderful summer days you have left! It reminds me of my daughter, who just realized that six months from now she’s going to need a shot at the pediatrician. Do you know that she was sad for an entire day thinking about that? She kept remembering about the six-months-from-hence shot and crying about it! The last time she fretted about a shot (for an entire three days before The Event), when the doctor finally gave her the dreaded injection, she looked up in surprise, blinked a couple of times, and said, “That’s it?!” She had made herself miserable for nothing.

And even if you do dislike school once you get there, your worrying about it now will do nothing to improve your school experience then.

Instead of dreading school and worrying about it and creating all kinds of negative fantasies in your mind about how horrible it might be, it makes just as much sense to create positive fantasies in your mind about how great school might be. You can imagine yourself really enjoying socializing with the kids in your classes, you can imagine yourself getting nice grades, you can imagine yourself enjoying the routine of learning all day and relaxing with your family and friends at night before you go learn some more in the form of homework (Don’t laugh! It might be fun to learn new things in a disciplined fashion!). You also might enjoy the panoply of ideas presented to you by your teachers – and you might enjoy learning what words like “panoply” mean!

Can you do anything to improve your odds of enjoying school?

Another question to consider is: can you do anything to improve your odds of enjoying school? Do you want to call friends you’ll be in school with and get together with them now, to improve your chances of connecting better with them socially once school starts? Do you want to get your school supplies and your school clothes now so that you’re all prepared and don’t have to rush to get what you need at the last minute? Do you want to finish your summer homework now so that you don’t have to worry about getting it done?

Can you sign up for activities or plan to do activities during the school year which will help you enjoy the school months? Like taking ice skating lessons on Sundays or joining the school band or trying out for the school play or scheduling pizza nights or movie nights or walking nights or volleyball nights with friends for the school months?

If there’s nothing practical to do in order to be fully prepared for the coming school year, then I advise you to force yourself to unwind and enjoy the summer while it’s still here. If you start to think about school, take a deep breath, firmly tell your brain, “NO,” and instead focus on the beautiful azure sky, the summer breeze, the sounds of swimming, or anything else that is here and now and summery.

I also will tell you that any situation can be what you make of it, to a great extent. I’ve known people who have gone through through horrific experiences, but whose attitude kept them sane and strong. I’ve seen people crumble when the going gets tough, and I’ve seen people rise to challenges and grow and blossom. If you go to school with a positive, “this is going to be good” attitude, you will find ways to make the school months good. If you go to school with a doom-and-gloom attitude, it might be harder for you to enjoy your classes, learn from your teachers, and make friends. Look for the good and you will almost always find it – even in the weirdest, wildest places you would never expect to find good.

Even the process of learning how not to be nervous before school starts is a great learning experience. See? School teaches us lots of things!

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About the Author

Lauren Roth, MSW, LSW, is a graduate of Princeton University, a Marriage and Parenting Therapist in private practice in Lakewood, New Jersey, and an inspirational speaker across North America and on the high seas. She is the weekly "Dear Dr. Lauren" columnist for Ami Magazine. Mrs. Roth and her husband, Rabbi Dr. Daniel Roth, are the parents of six children.

Visitor Comments: 3

(3)
Anonymous,
August 21, 2014 9:12 PM

not completely true....

saying 'if you think its fine it will be fine' does not help anything. I, for one, hate school and knowing that ill 'learn so much and make friends!' is worthless....its nothing new, I'm almost finished high school. maybe there isnt anything that really can help....i could have asked the same question and this answer really frustrated me...like i want to hate school and feel uncomfortable about it

(2)
Elaine,
August 19, 2014 9:22 PM

school--I mis it

I am 70, and for the last 25 years, when the kids go back to school, I wish I could go, too. I would love to start somewhere in elementary, and go through all of it again. Since i cannot do that, I am studying at home , a few things that mean a lot to me. I may not get as far as I would like, but I will try.

(1)
Dvirah,
August 19, 2014 4:19 PM

More Specific Advice

The advice given in this column is very general, perhaps because the letter was general also. But I would ask the writer to think about WHY she was nervous. If it's general nervousness, general advice fits. But if there are specific reasons, there might also be specific actions to take that would alleviate the nervousness or, even better, what's causing it.

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I'm told that it's a mitzvah to become intoxicated on Purim. This puzzles me, because to my understanding, it is not considered a good thing to become intoxicated, period.

One of the characteristics of the at-risk youth is their use of drugs, including alcohol. In my experience, getting drunk doesn't reveal secrets. It makes people act stupid and irresponsible, doing things they would never do if they were sober. Also, I know a lot about the horrible health effects of abusing alcohol, because I work at a research center that focuses on addiction and substance abuse.

Also, I am an alcoholic, which means that if I drink, very bad things happen. I have not had a drink in 22 years, and I have no intention of starting now. Surely there must be instances where a person is excused from the obligation to drink. I don't see how Judaism could ever promote the idea of getting drunk. It just doesn't seem right.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Putting aside for a moment all the spiritual and philosophical reasons for getting drunk on Purim, this remains an issue of common sense. Of course, teenagers should be warned of the dangers of acute alcohol ingestion. Of course, nobody should drink and drive. Of course, nobody should become so drunk to the point of negligence in performing mitzvot. And of course, a recovering alcoholic should not partake of alcohol on Purim.

Indeed, the Code of Jewish Law explicitly says that if one suspects the drinking may affect him negatively, then he should NOT drink.

Getting drunk on Purim is actually one of the most difficult mitzvot to do correctly. A person should only drink if it will lead to positive spiritual results - e.g. under the loosening affect of the alcohol, greater awareness will surface of the love for God and Torah found deep in the heart. (Perhaps if we were on a higher spiritual level, we wouldn't need to get drunk!)

Yet the Talmud still speaks of an obligation on Purim of "not knowing the difference between Blessed is Mordechai and Cursed is Haman." How then should a person who doesn't drink get the point of “not knowing”? Simple - just go to sleep! (Rama - OC 695:2)

All this applies to individuals. But the question remains - does drinking on Purim adversely affect the collective social health of the Jewish community?

The aversion to alcoholism is engrained into Jewish consciousness from a number of Biblical and Talmudic sources. There are the rebuking words of prophets - Isaiah 28:1, Hosea 3:1 with Rashi, and Amos 6:6, and the Zohar says that "The wicked stray after wine" (Midrash Ne'alam Parshat Vayera).

It is well known that the rate of alcoholism among Jews has historically been very low. Numerous medical, psychological and sociological studies have confirmed this. The connection between Judaism and sobriety is so evident, that the following conversation is reported by Lawrence Kelemen in "Permission to Receive":

When Dr. Mark Keller, editor of the Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol, commented that "practically all Jews do drink, and yet all the world knows that Jews hardly ever become alcoholics," his colleague, Dr. Howard Haggard, director of Yale's Laboratory of Applied Physiology, jokingly proposed converting alcoholics to the Jewish religion in order to immerse them in a culture with healthy attitudes toward drinking!

Perhaps we could suggest that it is precisely because of the use of alcohol in traditional ceremonies (Kiddush, Bris, Purim, etc.), that Jews experience such low rates of alcoholism. This ceremonial usage may actually act like an inoculation - i.e. injecting a safe amount that keeps the disease away.

Of course, as we said earlier, all this needs to be monitored with good common sense. Yet in my personal experience - having been in the company of Torah scholars who were totally drunk on Purim - they acted with extreme gentleness and joy. Amid the Jewish songs and beautiful words of Torah, every year the event is, for me, very special.

Adar 12 marks the dedication of Herod's renovations on the second Holy Temple in Jerusalem in 11 BCE. Herod was king of Judea in the first century BCE who constructed grand projects like the fortresses at Masada and Herodium, the city of Caesarea, and fortifications around the old city of Jerusalem. The most ambitious of Herod's projects was the re-building of the Temple, which was in disrepair after standing over 300 years. Herod's renovations included a huge man-made platform that remains today the largest man-made platform in the world. It took 10,000 men 10 years just to build the retaining walls around the Temple Mount; the Western Wall that we know today is part of that retaining wall. The Temple itself was a phenomenal site, covered in gold and marble. As the Talmud says, "He who has not seen Herod's building, has never in his life seen a truly grand building."

Some people gauge the value of themselves by what they own. But in reality, the entire concept of ownership of possessions is based on an illusion. When you obtain a material object, it does not become part of you. Ownership is merely your right to use specific objects whenever you wish.

How unfortunate is the person who has an ambition to cleave to something impossible to cleave to! Such a person will not obtain what he desires and will experience suffering.

Fortunate is the person whose ambition it is to acquire personal growth that is independent of external factors. Such a person will lead a happy and rewarding life.

With exercising patience you could have saved yourself 400 zuzim (Berachos 20a).

This Talmudic proverb arose from a case where someone was fined 400 zuzim because he acted in undue haste and insulted some one.

I was once pulling into a parking lot. Since I was a bit late for an important appointment, I was terribly annoyed that the lead car in the procession was creeping at a snail's pace. The driver immediately in front of me was showing his impatience by sounding his horn. In my aggravation, I wanted to join him, but I saw no real purpose in adding to the cacophony.

When the lead driver finally pulled into a parking space, I saw a wheelchair symbol on his rear license plate. He was handicapped and was obviously in need of the nearest parking space. I felt bad that I had harbored such hostile feelings about him, but was gratified that I had not sounded my horn, because then I would really have felt guilty for my lack of consideration.

This incident has helped me to delay my reactions to other frustrating situations until I have more time to evaluate all the circumstances. My motives do not stem from lofty principles, but from my desire to avoid having to feel guilt and remorse for having been foolish or inconsiderate.

Today I shall...

try to withhold impulsive reaction, bearing in mind that a hasty act performed without full knowledge of all the circumstances may cause me much distress.

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