Science

After a series of memes was released online comparing the scientific background of TV host Bill Nye (“The Science Guy”) and action star Dolph Lundgren, Netflix has decided to replace Nye on his own show, Bill Nye Saves The World, with Lundgren.

“We really wanted someone who knew what they were talking about, from a scientific perspective, when we decided to create this series,” says Netflix representative Mario Jones. “After it went online, though, many people began to complain that Nye was not qualified to host a series, at least not compared to Dolph Lundgren. We found it odd, but if there’s one thing Netflix does right, it’s create shows people want to watch.”

Although not 100% accurate (Lundgren studied chemistry at Washington State, but did not receive a degree from the school), this internet meme compared the qualifications of Bill Nye and Dolph Lundgren

To their credit, the internet is mostly right. Dolph Lundgren, best known for roles in the Rocky franchise and in The Expendables films, both co-starring Sylvester Stallone, does have an impressive scientific background, with multiple degrees in varying sciences. Lundgren, whose IQ is 160, says he is “excited” to host the show, but sad for Bill Nye.

“I don’t know the guy, he seems alright. He hosted a show for a long time, but back then, there was no internet, so it was hard for people to be so vocal and critical,” said Lundgren. “I hope that when I take over the show for the next season, people will be happy with the information, and find me qualified to deliver it.”

The series will be renamed Dolph Lundgren Punches You In The Face With Science when it returns in 2018.

A team of psychologists and medical doctors associated with the Technische Universität of Berlin, have announced this morning that they had proven by clinical experimentation, the existence of some form of life after death. This astonishing announcement is based on the conclusions of a study using a new type of medically supervised near-death experiences, that allow patients to be clinically dead for almost 20 minutes before being brought back to life.

This controversial process that was repeated on 944 volunteers over that last four years, necessitates a complex mixture of drugs including…

Researchers at Gavaland University in Boston, Massachusetts, have discovered what they say is a “cure” for long-term depression and bi-polar symptoms, and it’s been staring you in the rear-end the entire time. The research team has concluded that people who consistently huff and smell their own feces will lead happier, healthier lives.

“The more often you smell your own gas, or your own feces, the happier you will be,” said Dr. Richard Kimball, who headed the study. “As it was so eloquently put in one of those Austin Powers movies, ‘Everyone likes the smell of their own brand.’ This, it turns out, is extremely true, to the point that smelling your own gas or feces will actually brighten and calm your moods.”

Dr. Kimball says that they followed the effects over 4 years on 200 patients, all of whom were required to sniff their poop in front of the doctors, multiple times a day, over the course of the study.

“At first it was weird taking a shit in front of a doctor, but they said it was because they didn’t want anyone to be swapping their shit with someone else’s, because it would ruin the study,” said Maria Johnson, who was one of the first to sign up. “At any rate, it turns out that my mood really was lifted from sniffing shit, so I’m glad I took part.”

The study participants were not given anything for their help in the research other than a high-fiber diet and a smile.

Researchers at the prestigious Harvard Community College have been working tirelessly over the last decade in a search for a link between Autism and any other outside source. Today, they’ve released information that they say conclusively links Autism with chemtrails.

“To think that Autism is caused by vaccines is ridiculous and preposterous,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, who headed the study. “Vaccines are necessary and important. What is not necessary is chemtrails. Those whispy bits of clouds you see left in the sky after a plane goes by, or those billowing clouds during a new morning sky – those are the things that could very well be giving your child Autism.”

Dr. Brown says that children who are exposed to the hazards of being outside too young can easily “contract” Autism.

“If the hospital is wanting you to take your new baby home, and you look out and see chemtrails, do not take that baby outside. Wait it out, it’s very important,” said Dr. Brown. “A baby exposed to chemtrails is over 0.099873% more likely to end up having Autism than a baby who lives inside, all the time, in a plastic bubble or incubator.”

Dr. Brown says his “startling” finds and study conclusions will be published in his “home medical journal” this month.

The Mars rover has reportedly uploaded pictures to the NASA servers from Mars that show a man walking in the distance behind a line of sand dunes. The internet has become abuzz with the photo, which they say is more indisputable proof of life on the planet.

“That is definitely, 100%, a living, walking, sentient being right there,” said internet sleuth and conspiracy theorist Joe Goldsmith. “You can easily tell that this isn’t Photoshopped, because for one, it came directly from NASA, and two, who would want to Photoshop a picture like this trying to prove life on another planet? Is that something people would do? Of course not. I’ve seen plenty of ‘shops in my day, and this is definitely not Photoshopped.”

NASA scientists are still working to uncover the mystery behind the ‘Walking Man,’ as they’re calling it, but so far, they have yet to come up with any solid ideas.

“It’s not entirely out of the realm of possibilty that it could be some sort of being, but it would be odd that this is the first walking, upright, man-like being that we’ve seen since the Rover has been on Mars,” said NASA scientist Dr. Richard Lewis. “I have no idea if this is a man, or Martian, as it were. It’s probably just another case of pareidolia.”

Pareidolia is the condition found in all humans that makes our brains apply known-items to abstract shapes, such as being able to see certain figures in clouds, or faces in random designs.

“We are hoping, very much, that this is some sort of life. That is the whole reason we went to Mars,” said Lewis. “We are trying to move the Rover closer to the area, to begin looking for clues such as footprints or other signs of life, but it is a time-consuming process, to be sure.”

Everyone’s favorite TV scientist, Bill Nye – known for his children’s program in the 90s as well as for being a throwback internet celebrity – is being recognized for all his work in basic, 8th grade-level sciences by being awarded the Nobel Prize in Television Science.

The award, the first to be awarded by Nobel, is given to people who pretend to practice sciences on television programs. According to the Nobel committee, Nye is the “perfect candidate” for the award, as his actual knowledge of science and scientific topics is limited only to what his writers can come up with for him to explain.

“Mr. Nye has spent many years in front of TV cameras, promoting and discussing science at the most basic of levels, and his nostalgia factor from millennials is through the roof,” said Nobel committee spokesperson Marsha Lewis. “Because of his great fame on TV, and for furthering the interest in generic, half-assed sciences, we have decided to bestow upon Mr. Nye our greatest honor: The Nobel Prize In Television Science.”

Nye will be accepting his prize in a televised program to air in December.

In a bid to give more focus to specific requirements of education that they feel are most important, officials in the Alabama school district in Huntsville say they are working to phase out math and science classes, to focus on subjects that they say ‘matter the most.’

“Our students have an abysmal time, as do most students throughout the country, reading and writing,” said school superintendent Russell Davis. “If we remove math and science, as well as gym and after-school sports, from the students’ curriculum, it will give us more time to focus on teaching them proper grammar and language skills.”

Testing scores in English and grammar, as well as reading comprehension, have been done throughout the state of Alabama for over a decade, declining year-over-year. With math scores staying steadily in the ‘average’ area, school officials began making the necessary steps to eliminate what they consider ‘extra work.’

“It’s time we got rid of math. Most of our kids are proficient enough at basic math, and since they’ll all end up working at some fast food joint anyway, all they need to know how to do is make change,” said school principal George Jackson. “But, they’ll never be able to get a job at all if they can’t read the application and write their name down correctly. It’s a win-win for these stupid kids.”

Other states will be watching closely to see the results of the new curriculum in Alabama, with a specific focus on future test scores.

“I’m so glad that Joey isn’t going to be bringing home math anymore,” said Marsha Goldsmith, mother of 12-year-old Joey. “I don’t know shit about math, and I barely have time after getting home from work at Burger King to figure out his damn problems. It’ll be much easier just showing him how to conjugate a verb.”

A team of doctors and scientists at Boston University has discovered what they say is a literal ‘cure for love,’ which when injected, can actually stop all feelings of love that someone may have for someone or something else.

“We can actually get very specific with the way the medicine works, and target receptors that are only about one specific person,” said Dr. Gary Moore. “Basically, say you have a relationship that ends badly, and one party cannot get over their now ex-partner. With our drug, we can inject just one shot in the jugular vein, and their love for that person will immediately diminish.”

Researchers began work on this new drug, which many are hailing as a modern miracle, after lead scientist Fred London lost his dog of 18 years, Pookie. “Pookie died after a long illness, and I could not get over him,” said London. “I began looking for ways that I could remove that love, that loss, from my life. 3 years later, we have finally made it possible to leave that broken heart behind for good.”

Testing has only recently begun with human subjects, after trials with other mammals went extremely well.

“We gave our drug to a horse, and it instantly didn’t care anymore that we had cut off its legs for glue,” said Dr. Moore. “The same was true in other animals we tested it on. I personally volunteered to go first in the human trials, too, as as they were beginning, I had just gone through a nasty divorce with my cheating-whore wife, who I loved very dearly. After one shot, I barely even gave a shit anymore that she was sleeping with my best friend for 3 years behind my back.”

Booth Dr. Moore and London say that they are expecting FDC approval on their drug by the end of the year, with test continuing through the summer months.

Researchers at the prestigious Harvard Medical Center have discovered a link between cleanliness and STD prevention. According to Dr. Richard Long, after sex with a partner of ‘unknown STD status,’ a regular shower using soap, hot water, and regular shampoo and conditioner, can completely wash away any and all sexually transmitted diseases.

“Basically, it’s really quite simple,” said Long. “If you’re happily humping away with some boy or some girl whose sexual history you don’t know, or who you cannot completely trust to be telling you the truth, just immediately go and take a hot shower after intercourse. If you can manage to get into the shower within 2 minutes of orgasm, you are nearly 100% likely to wash away any STDs you may have been at risk in contracting.”

Long says they tested the theory by having men and women have sex with people who were positively infected with genital herpes, Gonorrhea, crabs, and syphilis. Of the 50 men and 50 women who were exposed via unprotected sex during the study, all were told to continue until climax, and then immediately shower. None of the exposed became infected with an STD.

“We aren’t really sure if we had to make them go until they climaxed, but they weren’t getting paid for this study, so we figured they should get something out of it,” said Long. “That said, though, none of our participants left with an STD. Well, the 50 men and 50 women who had an STD when they came in left with one, but that’s not what I meant.”

Long says that they plan to publish the full study in the next issue of Medical Science Yearly. In the meantime, he says that he hopes that young people “continue to abstain as much as possible, just in case.”

Bill McGregor may soon be a household name. The father of five and microphysicist believes he has found the long sought after cure for AIDS. What’s more, he claims it is very simple and has little to do with science.

“It’s been staring us in the face, all this time, and somehow all the greatest minds of our generation have missed it,” McGregor told a gathering of AIDS specialists. “It comes down to basic common sense. In fact, I got the idea from my newborn daughter.”

The AIDS virus came to medical attention in 1981, spreading mainly among homosexuals, but soon became an epidemic. It spread globally, leading to a particularly huge number of casualties on the African continent. Scientists and doctors have spent the three decades since trying to find a cure for it, as well as a vaccine, with little success. Only recently has treatment made it possible for victims to live with the disease.

It is in this context that McGregor’s discovery is seen. If proven effective, it will bring relief to hundreds of millions of patients, both now and in the future.

“What it comes down to, is infecting the patient with another, more deadly virus, or inflicting immense physical damage on them,” McGregor told his colleagues. “Once they have contracted, for example, Ebola, they are no longer at risk of dying from AIDS. It’s really quite remarkable.”

His inspiration came, he explained, when he accidentally threw his newborn child against a wall.

“We were really worried about Amy at the time, because she was born with a heart defect. Doctors told us she could live a relatively long life, but would have to have regular surgery and blood transfusions. After the accident, the doctors gave her ten hours to live, and we realized her heart problems were over. Since then I’ve been urging other parents of defective children to do the same, and it didn’t take long for me to theorize that the same treatment would work effectively against AIDS.”

McGregor has been hailed as a genius, and is expected to win a Nobel Prize for his contributions to medical science.