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Monday, November 15, 2010

The Mayors of Bolingbrook: Roger Claar (1986)

In 1986, two years after President Ronald Reagan visited Clow UFO Base, Bolingbrook was in crisis. The New World Order forced Mayor Bob Bailey to resign. Old Chicago, once a source of pride for Bolingbrook, is finally torn down. Hair Metal bands are poisoning the minds of our children’s minds. Some fear that Clow could be closed and moved to Chicago.

In this crisis, The NWO appoints former village trustee Roger C. Claar as mayor. In 1979, he was appointed trustee, and brought peace to a divided village board. After an unsuccessful campaign for mayor, he was appointed administrator of The Men in Blue. The NWO felt that Claar could restore order in Bolingbrook.

Claar did more than restore order of Bolingbrook. He became the longest serving mayor in Bolingbrook’s history, and it’s most controversial. Supporters say he spurred Bolingbrook’s commercial and industrial growth, and is responsible for the village growing to over 70,000 residents. Critics say he runs Bolingbrook like a political machine, and uses his campaign fund to live a lavish lifestyle.

When The Babbler first interviewed Mayor Roger Claar, he had recently been appointed mayor. Unlike the other mayors, he seemed to welcome the opportunity to talk to our reporter.

Mayor Roger Claar reveals his crazy vision for Bolingbrook!

Reporter: Thank you for your time. We usually have to wait months before a mayor will grant us an interview.

Claar: Don't get too big a head. I agreed to this interview because I know that not all of your readers are insane. I'm using you to reach out to The Babbler's sane readers.

Reporter: OK, I guess. So, first question. How does it feel to be the mayor?

Claar: Right now it's kind of hectic, but it feels good. It's like my whole life has been building up to this moment where I can take chaos, and create order. No, I have a better example. It's like I have a new baby, and I can once again forge her path. (Phone rings) Excuse me. Hello? Yes, it will be a lot of work. Oh, thank you for your generous offer, but I can't talk about campaign donations now. I'm in my office. I'm sure my campaign manager will organize a fundraiser soon.

Reporter: People are donating to your campaign fund already?

Claar: Sure. I've been getting a lot of donations lately.

Reporter: Are they trying-

Claar: They aren't trying anything! You see, a donation to my campaign is the voters' way of saying that I'm doing a good job during the off years. The better the job I do, the more my campaign fund will grow. Now I have quite a challenge before me, but I know the voters have confidence in me. In fact, I could have several thousand dollars in my campaign fund by the end of the year.

Reporter: Thousands of dollars? Why do you need thousands of dollars to campaign in Bolingbrook?

Claar: Would you turn down a million dollar campaign fund?

Reporter: No.

Claar: That's settled. Next question.

Reporter: Um. Some people say that we should reduce the population of Bolingbrook because of the risk to Clow UFO base's cover. How do you respond?

Claar: (chuckles) I'll play along. The previous mayors have secretly tried to limit development around Clow. I think that's the wrong approach. First, alien cloaking technology is more advanced today than it was back in the 1960s. Second, I say that the more people Bolingbrook has, the easier it will be to hide the UFO base. In fact, I support commercial development around Clow.

Reporter: Businesses next to a UFO base? Are you crazy?

Claar: (Smiles) Coming from The Babbler, that's a compliment. No, it won't happen right away, but think about all the supplies that a UFO base needs. Now try to justify delivering all of those supplies to a small, rural suburb. Like a tanker truck for example. Before, you had to ask why a tanker is in the middle of nowhere. With more development, we can say, "Oh that truck is here to fuel the new gas stations."

Reporter: I see.

Claar: Or think about all the people required to staff a UFO base. Why would all those people be in Bolingbrook. Once I get my way, we can say, "Oh, they're here to shop." "They live here." "They work in the brand new factories." Do you understand?

Reporter: I see.

Claar: In fact, I'm going to go up to developers and say, "See this previous development? This is the most expensive home. I want you to development a subdivision, and that's the starting price."

Reporter: Why?

Claar: So people can move up in status and still live in Bolingbrook! In fact, I want people to do more than live in Bolingbrook, I want them to shop in Bolingbrook. Chicago and Naperville have been taking too many of our sale tax dollars. We need to keep those dollars in Bolingbrook.

Reporter: How?

Claar: I going to support the building of malls. We’ll start with strip malls, and then someday, I imagine that Bolingbrook will be the home of a large outdoor mall. It will be so magnificent that people from Naperville will want to shop there.

Reporter: Wait a minute! Bolingbrook couldn’t support an indoor mall. How could we support an outdoor mall. Especially one without an amusement park.

Claar: Because it will have anchor stores that people will actually want to shop at! (Phone rings) Excuse me. Hello? Yes! I’m doing fine. What’s that? Sorry, I can’t talk about donations. I’m working, and you do business with the Village. What? Hmm. I guess it would mean I’d have to be tougher on you, and thus you would do a better job for the village. That’s an interesting argument. I’ll have to discuss it with my lawyers. But not right now.

Reporter: Did I hear--

Claar: Everything I do will be double check by lawyers and then double checked again! I won’t do anything illegal!

Reporter: But how will that look to the residents of Bolingbrook.

Claar: Would you want to talk to lawyers every time someone gave you a gift?

Reporter: No.

Claar: Well that’s what I’m going to do!

Reporter: But that sounds c--

Claar: Don’t say that C word!

(Knock on the door. Claar answers the door.)

Man holding briefcase: Hello your honor! (Opens the briefcase) Alexander Hamilton and I want to talk to you about building a luxury housing development and a first class golf club in Bolingbrook.

(Claar turns red)

Claar: Aaron Burr and I want you to get the (expletive deleted) out of my office!

(Man runs away with the money. Claar walks into the bathroom and then comes out several minutes later.)

Claar: Ed sure has good taste in wallpaper.

Reporter: And missile defense systems.

Claar (chuckles): You know, a luxury housing development anchored by a golf club is a good idea. Maybe something to do several years from now. But I won’t use that developer. He’s dishonest. You know. If its such a good idea, maybe the village could do the project instead.

Reporter: You want the village to get into the real estate business?

Claar: Why not? Land is always a good investment. The village would collect tax dollars and money from the sale of the homes. How could we lose?

Claar: Sure. Everyone needs an ultimate dream. A vision to work towards, even if you don’t succeed, you’ll go father than you expected to go.

Reporter: I’m afraid to ask.

Claar: You talk to aliens, yet you’re afraid of my ultimate goal?

Reporter: I’m not Reporter X.

Claar: Ah. Well if I’m successful as mayor, then not only will more people want to move to Bolingbrook, but more communities will want to be a part of Bolingbrook.

Reporter: As in copying your policies.

Claar: No. As in they will ask to be annexed by Bolingbrook. First Romeoville, and then Woodridge. As Bolingbrook grows, more suburbanites will demand to be annexed by Bolingbrook. Before long, all of Chicago’s suburbs will merge to become Greater Bolingbrook, and Chicago will be a suburb of Bolingbrook!

Reporter: Um, if you want to run a major city, why not move to Chicago and run for mayor?

Claar: Do you want to be the mayor of Chicago?

Reporter: Good point.

Claar: Once that happens, then I can retire knowing that helped Bolingbrook reach its golden age.

Reporter: You know. Somehow, that idea doesn’t sound crazy.

Claar: Good. I think. Well I have to get back to work. I hope you print most of the truth.

Reporter: I am sworn to tell reveal the truth, no matter how unbelievable it may be.

Claar: Some things never change. You know---

(A basketball flies in through the open window. Claar grabs the ball and throws it out the window. Then he runs up to the window.)

Claar: Hey! Watch where you throw your ball!

Girl: You’re a meanie and I’m going to get you someday!

(Girl runs away.)

Claar: (Shakes his head.) I have a feeling that girl is going to grow up to be nothing but trouble.

After publishing the interview, Claar announced at the next board meeting that the only truthful part of the story was letting the reporter into his office. The rest was “a bunch of nonsense.”

While Claar has never given another extensive interview with The Babbler, he will still talk to our reporters. Though sometimes our reporters have use some very aggressive tactics to get a few comments from him.

Despite our psychics best efforts, we don’t know when the next mayor of Bolingbrook will be elected. When that happens, we will interview him or her, and we will print the truth, no matter how unbelievable it may be.

As this series has shown, The Babbler has always been a part of Bolingbrook’s history. We’re confident that as long as there’s a Bolingbrook, there will be a Bolingbrook Babbler. It just wouldn’t be “The Brook” without us.

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