Don't Blame the Automobile!

Say what you want about how much cleaner cars are now than they were in 1970, the year Earth Day started, but if all of a sudden the gummit said, “OK, we were just kidding about all that corporate average fuel economy and emissions stuff,” then every carmaker in the world would immediately stop making (and losing money on) electric cars and fuel-cell electric vehicles.

Sure, at first, carmakers would pretend to protest, saying, “Oh no, we at The Massive Flatulence Motorcar Company are dedicated to a cleaner, greener Earth with air so pure you could… hey, what's that over there, greater profitability? Oh yeah, hey, gotta go, see ya later!” And within about half a model cycle you wouldn't see a single car pool lane sticker on any new car sold anywhere. We'd all be driving rear-wheel drive big block station wagons with meaty drag slicks and hood scoops because those would be the cars carbuyers would be buying.

And you know what? I bet it wouldn't make that much difference. The ugly truth is that the big problem our beloved Earth faces on Earth Day 2014 is not pollution from cars. You can't even measure the number of adjectives the California Air Resources Board has stapled onto its standards for car cleanliness: Low-Emission Vehicle, Ultra-Low Emission Vehicle, Super-Ultra-Low Emission Vehicle, Really-Super-Ultra-Dooper Low Emission Vehicle. (I made up the last one. The rest are actual stickers inside car hoods across America.)

No, if you zoomed out a little, you'd recoil in horror at an ugly truth that no one wants to address: population control. Population control is the 800-pound endangered Lowland Gorilla drooling in the hallway that no one wants to acknowledge, let alone address. We don't have too many desert pupfish, snail darters or three-toed owls on the planet. We have too many people. We recently passed the 7-billion person mark here on planet Earth, and it doesn't look to be slowing down anytime soon.

But it's not just the numbers that are the problem. It's how many resources we industrialized people gobble up to remain happy. We all need large-screen flat-panel TV sets, heated swimming pools, country club golf memberships and double angus beef cheeseburgers. Right now, it's we here in America who are Hoovering down the most resources per capita - us and some Europeans and maybe one or two guys in Japan who don't live in high rises and take the train to work. Much of the rest of the world lives an agrarian lifestyle that is relatively (compared to us) light on resources. So much of the rest of the world is not yet the problem. But it soon will be. And that is when you should get really scared. Imagine if everyone on the planet suddenly needed access to Starbucks Phlegmatic Coffee Roaster Lattes on every corner, Haband adjustable polyester slacks with just a skosh more room and disposable suede leather Hush Puppies loafers? China? India? Africa? When that happens, and it's on its way right now, our problems will go up exponentially.

The problem is that people - you, me, the media – don't want to acknowledge that population control is the real obstacle to global health and happiness. The idea of offering – gack! I can't even say the word! – contraceptives (!!!!) is blasphemous. BLASPHEMOUS! We just kicked down the door on 7 billion of us mutants here on Earth and we're headed to double that by 2050. But rather than say the word - ahh! The Pain! – contraceptives, we'd much rather blame things that will set up an easy, faceless, corporate bad guy target like… car companies.

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