Possible Best Headline Ever?

A couple of weeks ago I was skimming through Victoria’s main news source, The Times Colonist. I always want to call it the Times Columnist, which makes a lot more sense to me. Like, why are they putting so much focus on being colonized? It’s kind of embarrassing. And I’m pretty sure a colonial man or woman would not be up to date on all of the latest, breaking news. BUT OKAY.

I came across an article that was called “Victoria deer debate: ‘No one wants to kill Bambi’s mom’. Apparently the deer population here is around 50,000 and people are getting angry because the deer are doing deer-like things. Nothing gets people more mad than when a deer eats the tops of their flowers. Maybe the deer are trying to be artsy. It looks kind of cool with only the stems poking up from the soil.

Also, there are a lot of complaints of people hitting deer on “roads and highways”. Compared to hitting them on sidewalks? Or in the sky? It’s nice that people are able to complain after hitting a deer. The deer should be the one complaining, after all, he’s the one that’s dead. Does the person that accidentally hits a biker with his car complain, or does he say “ohmigosh what can I do to help?!?!” Why don’t we ever take the deer’s feelings into consideration?

I think the Times Colonist was smart to compare this troublesome issue to a deer that we all know and love. Bambi had a pretty good life, a loving mother, and a harsh father–they had to make it realistic. And we all know that the mean hunter shoots Bambi’s mom. Who would want to be that hunter?! Disney basically conditioned us as kids to never kill deer. So if you end up hitting one with your car, you will automatically be the opposite of all things magical–Satan’s accomplice.

Dead deer are the worst. They’re the biggest animal you can hit with your car and leave on the side of the road. There’s a zoo in Jersey where you can feed deer popcorn. That is why I will forever be on the pro-deer life team.

Your zoo already sounds 10 times better than the Brookfield zoo. I love anything that encourages feeding of animals. What if you just ate the popcorn and there wasn’t any left for the deer? I feel like that’s a move I would pull.

In college, late one Sunday evening, I took a load of garbage to our apartment dumpster. Doe a deer a FEMALE deer was at the bottom of the dumpster; dead to the world. Some idiot had killed it, by mistake, during the deer hunt and thought throwing it in an apartment’s dumpster would mask the crime. I was sickened, disgusted, and horrified. The death of Bambi’s mother was one of the saddest things I have seen on the big screen. Nature’s holocaust if you will. Deer jerky is not something I find delectable. Seeing a deer run through the brush in an urban setting always gives me a thrill. Ok…I’m pro-deer…emotional scars in the “for the love of the deer” department…make me…pro-deer.

I always thought a colonist was someone who collected colons. Those people’s houses must stink.

Deer are great but I don’t live near any deer clans or anything. There is a video on YouTube of some bloke’s dog chasing a load of deer in a park here in the UK. I can’t post it now as I am at work but search for “jesus christ in richmon park”.