What You’re Really Saying When You Ghost on Someone

Your disappearing act is probably saying far more than you’re intending it to.

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Romeo one minute, where’d he go the next? Ghosting is when you go poof and literally disappear out of someone’s life without a word or explanation.

Casper isn’t such a friendly ghost—he’s disrespectful, self-centered, and doesn’t have the courage or social decency to let you know directly that he’s no longer interested.

Daters claim they do it to avoid hurting someone’s feelings, but ghosting is just a selfish way of avoiding a difficult conversation.

But, ladies, we aren’t angels either! We ghost too. We all are guilty of hoping someone will just get the hint and stop contacting us.

Research from the online dating site Plenty of Fish has found that of 800 millennial daters between the ages of 18-33, almost 80% of singles have been ghosted. Many of those ghosted have likely done it to someone else.

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Though daters claim they do it to avoid hurting someone’s feelings, ghosting is actually just a selfish act and easy solution to avoid broaching a difficult, emotionally wrenching conversation. We do it because it makes us feel less awkward and uncomfortable—it’s really not about taking the other person’s feelings into account at all.

When you communicate through a screen, you can say whatever you want, or completely ignore them, without having to witness their heart break.

So why are we so disconnected from the people we are hurting? One of the reasons we don’t think twice about ghosting is because of our reliance on technology, which to some extent dehumanizes us into little emojis on a screen.

The benefit of social media and online dating apps has been huge in the dating world. All of this technology allows us to meet hundreds of people with whom our paths may have never crossed. It’s made meeting, dating and hooking up so much easier, but at the same time, it has damaged our communication skills.

For instance, when we don’t make eye contact or read facial expressions, it’s very difficult to know how our words and behaviors impact someone else.

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Looking into someone’s eyes can tell us if someone is a threat, if they are attracted to us, if they are lying, and gazing at each other is a predictor of being in love. We loose all of these automatic inferences when we communicate through text, or worse, ghost.

When you communicate through a screen, you can say whatever you want to someone, or completely ignore them, without having to physically face the consequences of seeing their heart break, or hearing their voice whimper when you tell them it’s over.

In a survey of 2,712 Millennials, 56% said that in the last year they had broken up with someone using digital media (texting, social media and email). Only 18% broke up face-to-face, and just 15% picked up the phone to end the relationship. However, 73% of the survey respondents said they would be upset if someone broke up with them in the same manner.

Psychologically, we’re abandoning someone, betraying their trust, and leaving them completely in the dark as to what happened.

Though this research did not look at ghosting, it would not be surprising to learn that people who have ghosted themselves would be upset if they were dumped in this way.

Why are we treating others in a way that we, ourselves, would not want to be treated? Have we forgotten the Golden Rule?

What’s most alarming is that there are actual exclusive, monogamous, committed relationships that end with ghosting. This is devastating.

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Psychologically, we’re abandoning someone, betraying their trust, and leaving them completely in the dark as to what happened and why we left.

When we’ve been ghosted, before the anger sets in, we turn inwards and blame ourselves.

Did I do something wrong? Am I too clingy? Am I bad in bed? Is my radar broken? Am I unlovable? There’s so much mental anguish that goes into over-analyzing what happened. It’s soul-crushingly painful.

Ghosting impacts our self-esteem and self-worth. It can lead to depression, which affects our sleep, appetite, concentration at work, and desire to be around friends. It can also cause anxiety in which we obsess and ruminate about what happened, feel on edge, and are filled with worry and insecurity.

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We spend hours, days, weeks, and sometimes months trying to piece together the mystery. Besides for the inner angst, this might also involve cyber-stalking, hacking into our ex’s accounts, hanging around our old stomping grounds in hopes to bump into them, or reaching out to their family or friends.

In some cases, people are totally frozen and unable to move forward. Those who attempt a new relationship often bring baggage in which there is a lack of trust, self-doubt and fear of vulnerability, making it difficult for the new romance to flourish.

Ultimately, we have to stop ghosting because it does more harm in the long run, it has damaging consequences on our mental health and it ties up our emotional resources.

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Rather than wasting someone’s precious time and emotional energy that could be better invested back into the dating market, commit to letting someone down in a kind, straightforward way.

Yes, it could likely be an emotionally draining conversation—a tear might even be shed. However, it’s important for our personal growth, the emotional healing process of the person we’ve taken the time to get to know, and for the greater dating community, which both parties will be re-entering.

So, in the words of the Ghostbusters song “If there’s something weird and it don’t look good, who you gonna call…?” How about your partner so that you can break things off the right way!

Source: 30dB.com – GhostingAt only 34% positive social media is not much of a fan of ghosting, then again 66% negative is not the wholesale rejection of the practice one may expect given its impact. — Howard K. 30db

About Samantha Burns

The Millennial Love Expert, Samantha Burns, M.A., LMHC is a Relationship Counselor and Dating Coach at LoveSuccessfully.com. She works with individuals and couples around the country to create love lives that thrive! Samantha is an author and contributing expert to multiple national websites, where she tackles all things love: breaking up, dating, increasing relationship satisfaction, and infidelity. Download her FREE ebook offering 10 Tips for Successful Love and follow her on Facebook and Instagram.

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KRis

3 months 2 days ago

People will always have their own way of dealing with difficult conversation situations. Whether it’s break-up, unrequited love, family or friends falling apart, we all have our own way of handling moments in our lives that requires for us to confront our darkest secrets. I’m usually one of the people who comes right up front and nips the issue right then and there. But the one time, yes – I “chickened” out – was when I decided to ghost on my best friend (of 10+ yrs)… right? And my nerve to call myself her best-friend! Long story short, I had… Read more »

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NO I\'m good

3 months 14 days ago

Okay so I dated a boy for a month and honestly he was a good boyfriend and really sweet and all and we’re classmates. So by the end of summer, we talked for about 3 days and all of the sudden he starts ghosting on me and I was left confused because I didn’t know anything about “Ghosting” so basically he just left me hurt crying everyday worrying about him 🤷🏻‍♀️In the relationship and out. Everytime I tried talking to him he’s leave me on “open” or “read” when i try to fix things up in the relationship. So his… Read more »

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Marci

3 months 17 days ago

I am so grateful to have learned the term “ghosting” tonight. And Thank You for your comments as they really helped! I was ghosted by my younger brother after making it possible for him to visit our dad before he died in 2015. Left me so confused as I was the only family member who would speak to him. I was ghosted again that same month by a guy I grew up with who had been sweet talking and building a relationship with me over four months. When we got together, he told me he was a meth addict and… Read more »

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cynthia

3 months 19 days ago

Dear friends, i am from united states i had a problem with my husband 4years ago, which lead to our break up. when he broke up with me, i was not my self again, i felt so empty inside me. until a friend of mine yuri banks told me about a spell caster who helped her in the same problem too. i email DR.usman, the spell caster and i told him my problem and i did what he asked of me, to cut the long story short. before i knew what was happening my husband gave me a call and… Read more »

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Liam

3 months 19 days ago

I thought “ghosting” was romance related only. Does it also apply to friendships or former friendships?

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Kevin

4 months 7 days ago

Ghosting is a cowardly thing to do! I would rather have someone be honest with me than to ignore me. For the record, I haven’t ghosted anybody and I’ve been honest with people when I let them down saying “this isn’t going to work out”.

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In pain.

4 months 11 days ago

Well, I just got ghosted by a guy I really like. It hurts!!!

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Lakietha

3 months 20 days ago

I was ghosted by a guy a week ago without notice. When I text him he would always respond quickly or he would tell me about his day as he was at work. I asked him why he stopped talking to me and he never replied.

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Lakietha

3 months 20 days ago

I was ghosted by a guy a week ago without notice. When I text him he would always respond quickly or he would tell me about his day as he was at work. I asked him why he stopped talking to me and he never replied.

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Observer

3 months 25 days ago

I’m sorry to hear that. The lack of respect just for another person especially in today’s world is terrible. Just being kind and straightforward and loving/caring is very much in need, just not too many who have the courage to do the right thing anymore. I’m sorry he broke your heart that way.

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Houdini

4 months 13 days ago

After 2 years of marriage I came home to find our house completely void of all of her possessions. Even the dog was missing. I frantically called and finally got her to answer and he said she wanted a divorce and hung up. I saw nothing coming, I was unable to process what happened. She refused comversation and orchestrate an entire divorce via text message. If you try to think of reasons of what I might have done, you’ll come up short handed. It all boiled down to a family destroyed by narcsssim and controlled by fear. Her ghosting me… Read more »

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ABANDONED

5 months 22 hours ago

BEING “GHOSTED” BY SOMEONE YOU’VE BEEN IN A COMMITTED LONGTERM WHOLEMATE RELATIONSHIP WITH ???? YOU ARE LIVING IN THEIR USA HOME ? WAITING FOR THEM TO NOT BE “TOO BUSY” TO THINK ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP ?????? AT 55 FREAKING YEARS OLD AFTER FOUR SOLID ” YOU ARE THE ONE ” YEARS TOGETHER AND THEN NOTHING ??????? NO ANSWERS ?????? ……. GROW UP GROW UP GROW UP !!!!! AND THE BLAME WILL ULTIMATELY BE ON ME HAHAHAHHAHA. THAT IS THE “NARCISSIST” PART…. I CAUSED ALL THIS … OF COURSE !!!! COUGH COUGH ….

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Tit4Tat

6 months 4 days ago

Happened to me a few years a back, the coward didn’t respond to my texts or calls after a one week work related trip. On the day he was scheduled to leave, we messaged all day as usual and the said night with him seemingly truly heartbroken about having to not be in touch for the period. It was the nature of where they were to be stationed and signals were not still isn’t prominent in said area. Then nothing. I called his shit out on it, he responded and we ended it. Nowadays, I just do not message either.… Read more »

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Brina

6 months 6 days ago

My nearly year and a half relationship just ended a few weeks ago, without a single sign of warning or cue to indicate what was coming. I have no idea why. Things between us were completely normal.. until they weren’t. His decision to end our relationship by simply withdrawing and ignoring my existence entirely until I simply go away has damaged me more mentally and emotionally than any breakup I’ve ever experienced in all my 30 years. I don’t know that I will ever truly get over this. To learn that the person you had grown to love so deeply… Read more »

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Anonymous

4 months 17 days ago

Hello this too happened to me I was in a relationship for almost four years 21 to 24. I pieced things together as time went on. I was so confused, depressed clueless because this person told me they loved me whole heartedly in the relationship. He had a baby mama and got into it with her he promised me to see the fireworks I loved him so much. I still do he was the love of my life. I now know everything and honestly I am better off without him it was daunting information. I moved to a different state.… Read more »

I think when they mean ghosting its usually about a short time “relationship”. It definitely sucks. I was dating a guy for over month. He was the most sweetest person I had met in a long time. We spent a lot of time together, had a lot in common. We decided to have sex and twice on different occasions he had a problem staying hard and then 3 days later he disappeared. I text him to let him know that I was ok with whatever happened but he never texted back. Instead of telling me he didn’t want to see… Read more »

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Observer

3 months 25 days ago

I’m a 44 year old man and I cannot believe how people treat each other now. The games both sexes play. The lack of integrity and honesty is appalling. We have promoted self esteem instead of self-respect. If he really honored you he would have at least had the maturity to sit down face to face and talk with you.

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Tabby

4 months 20 days ago

Is his name Frank?

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ABANDONED

5 months 22 hours ago

Oh no. I’m being “ghosted” after a four year long term I live in his home in the US relationship !!!!!! AND he is 55 !!!! …. ghosting is just another term for lack of empathy …

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Observer

3 months 25 days ago

You’re right. But most importantly ghosting is an indication of not being a grown up emotionally. He like most people now are cowards. It takes courage and forthrightness, which he obviously had none.

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Taylor

7 months 20 days ago

I am ghosting my now x. He s an abuser . Hit me in face for 2nd time doesn’t deserve time of day .

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Marci

3 months 17 days ago

That’s not “ghosting”. It sounds more like taking charge and leaving a bad relationship. Good for you!

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Observer

3 months 25 days ago

Right thing to do. Abusive assholes of either sex need to be intentionally ghosted.

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Che

5 months 29 days ago

Good for you, getting out while you can. Good luck, you’ll find someone worthy of you.

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Linda

6 months 27 days ago

That’s not ghosting that is self preservation. Best wishes.

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Brenda

7 months 25 days ago

I ghosted a narcissist and it was the right thing to do. I was with him for 1 year and 7 months. It was pure hell. Narcs have zero empathy and are emotionally abusive and feed off of emotional turbulence. They like to play cat and mouse and then dump their victims. Akin to an emotional serial killer. Killer of your self worth. They fear abandonment and hate losing. Poof!

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ABANDONED

5 months 22 hours ago

Well good for YOU !!! It’s the opposite for me. I’m being “ghosted” by the narcissist … in other words “discarded” … guess I got too boring and too real …. AFTER FOUR YEARS !!!!!

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Brenda

5 months 9 hours ago

So sorry to hear about the good fortune that has befallen you. It’s a blessing in disguise. Hang in there, I know 1st hand what it feels like to invest lots of time and money into a relationship only to have it go to hell in a hand-basket. The Narc does not deserve you. The Narc I ghosted depended on me financially. Revenge is never a good thing, but I got him good. I put him up on a pedestal and then kicked the SOB off it, he was swirling, Narcs take being ghosted far worse than a normal non… Read more »

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Cat

7 months 23 days ago

I agree my children’s father is this way. I did tell him I was done, but he doesn’t get it unless I ghost.

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Diana

8 months 14 days ago

Ok… so i’m confused about the whole ghosting thing. I was seeing a guy and everything was great he even admitted to it himself. Everyone around us felt it too. Amazing connection. We had been seeing each other for about 2 weeks. We went from everything being great and talking everyday on Monday to barely speaking on Wednesday. I asked him what was going on and he told me he has alot going on and he is really stressed. I know i’m not the only person he is avoiding. He had a guy coming to pick up parts and he… Read more »

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Brenda

5 months 9 hours ago

He’s blowing you off which may be a good thing, don’t become to clingy and don’t rush things no matter what. Show some restraint. Any time you date someone please know that if they like you and think you’re mostly unavailable, they will want more more more…

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Observer

3 months 25 days ago

That’s just games though. Adults need to work to connect to each other honestly. If a woman acts unavailable to me and I’m courting her or dating her, than I feel she’s just using me or is waiting for someone better.

You poor thing. That’s a hard blow to take. This exact thing happened to 2 people I know. 1 was my best friend. She shared a flat with her b/f of 8 years. One Saturday afternoon he casually slipped out of her life forever. Said he had an errand to run and would see her at home. For a week she sat alone in the flat, mesmerised, not knowing if he was alive or dead. Rang everyone he knew plus all the hospitals. Nothing. He didn’t even pack his stuff – just vanished. 6 months later she heard down the… Read more »

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Elaine

8 months 28 days ago

A year ago my boyfriend of 14 years packed his stuff and disappeared while I was at an appt. I never seen it comming never thought he would be so cruel! He raised both my kids & no longer has anything to do with them now. He married a mutual friends gf 5 months later. I know it sounds like it but he never cheated on me with her. I can’t seem to let go I’m so devatstated & its 1 year today he walked out! His wife is completely insecure it’s so bad he still has not spoke to… Read more »

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Helen

4 months 20 days ago

You left your kids, friends and family to get away from it all? Are you kidding? You abandoned the people who loved you? Ever heard of a restraining order? Grow up!!!

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Brenda

7 months 25 days ago

Sweetheart he sounds like a narcissist. And you narcissist supply. Google it and learn about it. LMK.

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Michel

8 months 18 days ago

You did NOTHING wrong. HE is the one who has the issues; not you. I know it’s hard to believe right now, but keep repeating this to yourself because trust me; someone who does this to another human being has something mentally wrong with them. You deserve so much better and will find it, trust me. My ex-husband left me after being together for 16 years for some whore he knew for two months. He married her, divorced her eight months later, and then called to tell me it was “the biggest mistake of his life”. He is still suffering… Read more »

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Emily

10 months 22 days ago

I recently ghosted a guy that I had been seeing who really seemed to like me. Why? Well, it became apparent that his trip to Florida was actually with the ex girlfriend who dumped him. He tried to make it seem as though it was “just a vacation”. I said, “have a nice trip :)” and blocked him from all social media and my phone.

Really interesting and helpful article. i’m going through something similar with someone i thought was into me but little did i know that she thought very little of me, rejection isn’t fun for anyone but the least you can do is be honest with people “Ghosting Hurts” way more than a proper “hey this isn’t gonna work out”

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Bonie

1 year 1 month ago

Best dating advice I got from my gay friend I met at atlanta.partyline.com chat site. Now I meet new and interesting local singles and have a great time. This has made me a social butterfly and I am now able to open up and be myself without all that awkwardness.

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Adina

1 year 1 month ago

And yet, some people deserve to be ghosted. Especially if they’re all takers, abusers and manipulators.

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Marci

3 months 17 days ago

Good for you! I agree you shouldn’t allow contact with a person who treated you so terribly.

But I think the definition of ghosting is getting a bit muddled. Ghosting concerns a surprising and sudden lack of contact from someone who claimed they loved, adored, etc. you. And the person being ghosted has no idea what happened.

I think the bad guy that you left knows exactly why you stopped all communication. And again, I’m so glad you were smart enough and strong enough to leave and cut off all communication.

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Gaurav Mahendru

1 year 3 months ago

If we are supposed to die in the end and we have missed the opportunities to fall in love then we might as well terminate our lives, what do you guys think?

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Gaurav Mahendru

1 year 3 months ago

I understand that my communications skills are damaged and now I have turned 40 and still single. I wish someone could have helped me. I was alone in this world. but I guess we all are single.

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Melvin

1 year 6 months ago

Ghosting is unethical, because everyone who is the dump-ee deserves the WHY? information – if they want to hear it. But you should NEVER expect that they do. It’s just like having sex. You need to ask for consent before you go there. Hey, it’s UN-sex! Get over yourself (both of you) and just deal with it SANELY. Here’s a GREAT READ. Very helpful to me MANY moons ago, and the 3rd edition is still a hot seller It’s called CRAZY TIME and available on Kindle. Link here: https://goo.gl/b4Nlvm It’s all about how seemingly normal people can SNAP during a… Read more »