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Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Remember a few posts ago when I was like all happy and life is yes? No? Feeling depressed? You should check it out. It was good times.

However, that's not the case. There are legitimately 6 full days of school left for me. A meager six days.

In realizing that I feel as if a trip to Mordor would just be easier and honestly more enjoyable.

Remember that whole migraine business I've been handed? Yeah, me too. And I'm not sure if I've said it here or not, but because of my rejection of all things emotional, I've dedicated one day every 8 weeks to be full out as depressed about it as I'd like.

Unfortunately, since my life's been all giggles and smiles recently, I tried pushing it off to three months. This was a poor idea.

Because it hit me. Last night. When I couldn't sleep for the life of me. And it hit me in what can only be described as the way Sarah Palin clubs baby seals. So awful.

So my almost tri-monthly breakdown began. My day yesterday was one of those days where it's like all these little things keep happening one after the other until you just break. Normally, it just makes me furious. Last night, it made me cry. Like with each swing of the club, my life problems just hit me one by one by one. Until I realized that since freshman year, I've never caught a break from this bad spell of occurrences.

The fact that this all began because of a head splitting migraine wasn't helping. But eventually I calmed down and forced myself to believe that my insomnia would fade and I would wake up the next morning without puffy eyes and frazzled hair and without a migraine and I would make it to school and continue my facade as a normal teenager.

Such was not the case. Instead my insomnia just got progressively worse with the pain and I was forced to realize that was never happening. What DID happen, however, was my progressive trip down memory lane via my camera and I saw something that I'd forgotten about. Something I never thought would happen.

That band that pulled me through my awkward pubescent years. And admittedly the worst possible years of my life. And as I watched my small, jumpy and blurry at times, clip, I remembered everything. I remembered the feeling of... of life that I had at that concert. At the prime of my troubles. And the feeling of unity with the crowd, with the band, with the music. I could close my eyes and just picture the lighters and cell phones that illuminated the night sky as we paid tribute to one of the greatest drummers in the world. I could remember looking up out into the star lit sky, knowing that this moment made me feel like I had a purpose.

And it's stupid and unimaginative and naive to believe those things. But I don't care.

My part in that concert meant something. And it will always mean something.

Moments like that don't happen every day. They pass by in a flash because people are too busy worrying about what they need to accomplish, or who they need to impress or what they want from life. But taking on so much at once just overwhelms you.

So stop. Whatever you're doing can wait five more minutes. Close your eyes, take six deep breaths through your diaphragm, your shoulders should not move up and down. And listen to the noises around you. Smell the scent wherever you are. Evaluate your feelings from your toes to your head. Stretch a little. Shrug and relax your shoulders. Breathe out through your mouth.

Don't let it all run you down. Because you will outrun it one day. But you don't want that problems or those issues to be the only things you remember.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Since my life is in the best position that it's likely going to be at this point, today seemed like a good day for this. Because I wouldn't have ever made it here if I'd given up 21 months ago. And I can't say that I never thought about it. I can't say that I never had days where I just couldn't get up and do anything. I did. We all do. It's just something that happens. I can't say I was never depressed. I can't say I never thought it would ever get any better. Because I didn't. I just thought I'd be stuck in this rut. This pain filled way of life forever. And I would have without every person who's stood by me and those who've walked out on me.

I'm not going to make this long, and I'm not giving anyone a lecture on how to live their life. I'm just putting it out there what happened to and is happening to me.

In short, 21 months ago I began getting constant headaches which turned out to be migraines. I've been through 3 neurologists, which doesn't sound like a lot, but if you have migraines and you've been to a neurologist, you know that you have to spend at least 2-3 months with one before you can move on. The reasoning for that is that many medications take at least 5-6 weeks to truly show any kind of change in your condition, in my case that was migraines.

So here I am, 21 months and 8 days later, still without a cure. But this time around, things are different. Because for some absolutely amazing reason I have the one thing that anyone in my position would die without: hope.

It seems strange that one word could really hold so much power in it. But it does. And my hope came from a lot of different things. A few of those things, were people. I'd be absolutely nowhere without my mother, father and brother. They have been the greatest support I could have ever asked for. I also wouldn't be anywhere without my best friend, whom you all know as Popcorn and my best friend/boyfriend, whom you all know as Octodad. These five people have been the ones that I could count on, no matter what. They were there when it was rough and they were there when it was almost normal.

To this day I could not possibly imagine my course in life had they been missing.

Hope is something I've had a falling out with and something I've been reunited with.

Hope is carrying me and the weight of everything on its shoulders and I am and I will forever be indebted.

To anyone who has ever had a rough moment in their life and maybe it hasn't stopped, I can't promise you that it's ever going to stop, but I can promise you that it will get better. And that's all I can promise you. There's really only cures for few select things in life. If you were lucky enough to get one, I wish you nothing but the best and I hope your happiness continues.

But if you're like me, and you're not so lucky, have hope. Do not give up.

"There'll be peace when you are done. Lay your weary head to rest. Don't you cry no more."

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Ahhh soo my lovelies, let's talk. There was a rant. The next day. I swear. But I decided not posting it was the best option. So I didn't. Copy?

But it's more than a month later and I'm happy to say things have been resolved. Quite nicely. To say the least.

Alrighty. So here's the low down. Remember that last post? With the teenage normalcy and complications? Yeah, me too. That was awful. Sorry about that. It wasn't cool.

But so that guy I was talking about? Hmm remember Octodad? That guy that I ruined everything with because I'm awful at life? He was that guy. What a surprise.

But nevertheless, such has since been renewed. No, everything in my life is still pretty crazy and hectic and I probably don't have the room that I needed last year. But I made some. Because some things you can't just let pass twice. So I didn't.

Girls. Guys. Whomever or whatever you are. LISTEN UP.

That thing or person that you want? GO FOR IT. Right now. Get up and go get it!

I spent many an hour pondering the repercussions on acting on something where I would not know the outcome until it happened. And guess what? It was worth it. It payed off. I absolutely DO NOT regret it. And neither does my boyfriend ;)

Because guess what? When every choice is planned out and every action anticipated, it's boring and it's not life. And it's never going to be life. So give up on that ideal.

Life is about unpredictability. I'm not saying go jump off a bridge because hey, just because other people haven't survived doesn't mean that you won't. No. That's dumb.

But that thing that you've been wanting to say or that thing you've been wanting to do? It's worth the risk. Because looking back and going "Man I wish I'd done this..." is the worst feeling in the world.

So to prove to you that it works, here's what happened.

I spent almost every night on the phone with Octodad, telling him everything and nothing. And always just wanting to blurt out that I still had more than enough feelings for him. Because I never really got over him. Even though I broke up with him. Because I didn't break up with him because I stopped liking him. I just wasn't in the position to be the best girlfriend I could be or that he deserved. But now I was willing so much to try to be.

So one night, I started to say it, but I stopped, because I was scared. I'd never been in such a place of vulnerability before. I'd avoided being in that position my entire life. But when he asked what I was going to say, I decided to stop running from it. So I told him. And I knew there'd be complications. But I had to let him know.

And guess what? Those feelings weren't imaginary. Those sparks weren't all in my head. They were 100% real AND mutual.

So we both cleared up some stuff. And a few days later made confirmed it all. And so it is.

And can I set something else straight? Just because you broke up with someone once doesn't mean it can't work again.

I actually feel like it's kinda better. Because you already know all the kinks and how the other person reacts and what buttons NOT to push. It's like the first run was a beta test and now you've got the real thing.

In short, everything is cleared up on my end. Everything is going as great as it's going to get until my health clears up and I've got the best guy in the world until that day comes.

About Me

I am Jess. I am 19. I am awkward. That is pretty much all you need to know. I am also funny. That is also important. I also normally use contractions most of the time, usually when they combine to make words that are not words.