It is as though someone has drilled peep holes into the walls of emergency rooms, operating rooms and doctors' offices. I can't look away.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Santa's Health Records

Another celebrity patient’s confidentiality has been breached. This time it’s Santa Clause! The doctor's entire report can be found at malehealth.co.uk. Here’s an excerpt:

Comment:Mr Claus is in remarkably good shape for a man of his age. (He already exceeds the life expectancy of the average European male by 1,651 years.) However, his large waist circumference and higher than recommended body mass make him vulnerable to heart disease and diabetes.

Recommendation:He should eat fewer mince pies (200 calories each) and consume at least five portions of fresh fruit and vegetables a day.

Comment:Mr Claus says he enjoys a glass of whisky in each house he visits. (There are over seven million households with children in Britain alone.) While he feels the alcohol could help reduce his risk of heart disease, I consider the consumption of several million units of alcohol in one night makes severe intoxication inevitable, an injury highly likely and death a serious possibility.

Recommendation:The patient has been advised to have 'none for the road' and, even when not driving, to limit his intake to four units a day. Given his obvious alcohol dependency, this will be a struggle but counselling is available. Mr Claus may wish to drink Coca-Cola instead (after all, he is sponsored by the company) but he should be aware that each 330 ml can contains the equivalent of seven teaspoons of sugar.

Comment: Having been a Catholic bishop, Mr Claus is understandably reluctant to discuss his sexual health. He also reports no urinary problems and, surprisingly for his age, may therefore be free of prostate trouble.

Recommendation: I recommend a precautionary rectal examination and blood test for signs of prostate enlargement. In line with the clinic's policy to encourage safer sex, Mr Claus should be offered written information and a supply of condoms.

I'm not sure, but I think I scooped all of y'all medical types on this item. [And no, I wasn't searching for potential clients when I found it. I was doing research for my holiday series calendar.]