Revision as of 14:01, December 11, 2008

December 4th • Issue 27 • Smiting the nail of news with the plastic hammer of truth

Sycamore: How does he do it? An UnSignpost Special Investigation

Sycamore. What words waft gently into the back garden of your mind when you hear that word? "Tree", perhaps, or "unusual, propeller-style seeds", if you're of a naturalistic bent. Maybe (although we admit it is highly unlikely), the words "song by really obscure Scottish rock band Deckard" will sneak in under the fence. But for those of an Uncyclopedia nature (and let's face it, that should include all those reading this, or the paperbot's malfunctioning again), the words are likely to include: "Scottish"; "omnipresent"; "recent changes fiend"; "reviewer extraordinaire"; "categories"; "ban patrol"; or possibly "who?" if you're out of the loop.

But who is this masked Celt? Well, since changing identity from MMACKNIGHT‎ in March 2008, he's racked up an impressive 18,000 edits (or he will have by the time this paper is actually delivered - it's hanging at 17.940-odd at the time of typing). Many of these edits have been thanklessly categorising pages, voting for deletion, reverting and ban patrolling - the kind of soul-crushing work, in other words, that would sap the will to live of the average individual, but not our Syc.

All of this is interesting, of course, and handily fills up column inches in this week's issue, but it doesn't answer the burning question: how does he do it?

Once again spending no expense on uncovering the truth, your fearless UnSignpost has the answers, and they lie in his welcome message, and a gratuitous stereotype of his nationality. Yes, Jaffa Cakes and Irn Bru are the fuel of choice of this salutary Scot, and it would appear that the chemical reaction of these two volatile substances in his bloodstream creates an energy level easily the equivalent of at least a small-to-medium Hadron Collider. This is sufficient to cause in him a state not unequivalent to that Scientific Holy Grail, perpetual motion. So there you go kids: that's how he does it!

Warning: Your safety-conscious UnSignpost would like to point out that Irn Bru is only known to have this beneficial effect on Scots. Those from less tartan countries would be advised to steer well clear - don't try this at home, kids!

From the Cabal's desk

Greeting citizens. This post does not exist. We are not addressing you from this paper. We do not exist. We do not sit in dark corners, smoking expensive cigars and smirk when we see you make mistakes. Mistakes on this site do not exist. We do not watch your every step with our ban hammers poised for actions. Mainly because your edits don't exist. We are not tired by your petty dramas and wonder when will you write some new classics. Simply because you do not exist. You are not reading this post. We will not meet again next week. This was not the cabal's weekly address to the citizenry. Keep the peace, obey the cabal. The cabal is your friend.

07:24, 3 December 2008 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked 92.43.66.7 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (You've got to stop taking vacations like this. They get in the way of the valuable contributions you make to our site.)

00:40, 3 December 2008 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked Fat hideous cunt (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (Codeine why are you using socks to vandalize us)

18:25, 2 December 2008 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 71.146.0.222 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (We love niggers. My best friend is a nigger. My wife is a nigger. And when I have a son, I hope he'll be a nigger rather than an IP)

19:57, 1 December 2008 Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked 204.184.39.253 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Regardless of what your girlfriends may have told you, orgasms are real)

18:18, 1 December 2008 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Codeine (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a Country/Folk musician ‎ (When I see your name on my block log, I think of a song lyric by Townes van Zandt, if that means anything.)

18:03, 1 December 2008 Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked RAHB (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a penis ‎ (When I see your name in my watchlist, I think of penis. And that's not always a good thing.)

21:03, 30 November 2008 Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) blocked Sycamore (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 30 seconds ‎ (That's for editing a year old topic and making RAHB think there was actually something exciting happening. Bastard.)

20:37, 30 November 2008 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Sycamore (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 30 seconds ‎ (That's for editing a year old topic and making me think there was actually something exciting happening. Bastard.)

Biopic of the Week

There's beautiful, there's downright gorgeous, and then, beyond even that, there's Prettiestpretty. Blessed with writing talent to rival her boundless good looks, she has edified us on the delights of the Queef, the significance of the Colossus of Barbie, and muchmorebesides. Long may she lend her grace to Uncyc!

Forgotten and so-short-it-possibly-ought-to-be-a-template page of the week

At approximately 7:01 EST, Colin "All your base" Heaney officially fucked everything up yet again. IRC was engaged in what started out as a naturally occurring, all-caps LOL train. However, being the little faggot that he is, Colin decided to join in, effectively making it not funny anymore. This reporter, being an expert witness in cases of dipshittery, quickly came to the conclusion that "Colin makes everything suck."

However, Uncyclopedia's resident shitstain did not stop there. He proceeded to incite bizarre and violent urges within members of IRC, causing them to commit unspeakable acts. This reporter, under Colin's influence, killed both of his parents; deadpidgeon and MrN9000 both became homosexuals as a result. Colin himself was then found to have been responsible for every case of unpleasantness throughout history: the Holocaust, 9/11, and abortion.

As other users unknowingly joined the channel-turned-warzone, they too fell victim to Colin's faggotry. Users were eventually transforming into furries and fucking each other with "furry Disney dicks" just before this reporter relocated to a safer distance. Needless to say, there is now sufficient evidence that everything stupid and gay and unfunny is, in fact, Colin's fault.

Hot Chicks. Just the words start your heart racing and your mumble mumble. Hot chicks have long failed to receive the ample, under-wire support they deserve here on Uncyc, and if it were not for one, soft-drink based, visionary noob, the femmes fatales of Uncyc would still be a saggy, wrinkly mess. Now all the babes, sexy ladies, foxy chicks, MILFs, and, yes, even magical anime girls, rest in the palm of your hand, throbbing with their new-found intellectual networking - WikiProject Hot Chicks. When asked how the aforementioned n00b came up with such a brilliant idea, he responded: "I don't know what UnSignpost is, my motivation for starting U[N]:WP Hot Chicks was because I thought it was rather humorous, I would like to be adopted, and in Soviet Russia, all your base are belong to YOU !!" (Doctapeppaman was promptly given a stern spanking for such irresponsible use of memes).

The project has already succeeded in tagging several sexy talk-pages with the WikiProject Hot Chicks seal, thereby rating them on a random and baseless scale from A- to D-Cup, and the project will most likely be a success, considering the high ratio of users to perverts present on the site. Perhaps, one day, the project will achieve its primary goal - making every article without enough pictures of scantily-clad women into an article about cheesecake.

02:14, 10 December 2008 Flammable (Talk | contribs) blocked 70.142.37.160 (Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (Hi. Welcome to Uncyc. I'm glad you enjoyed your stay here. We did too.)

13:16, 8 December 2008 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 208.43.6.211 (Talk) with an expiry time of 15 years ‎ (congratulations! You'll be back when OJ is out of prison. Let me know he gets a parole before that)

Far more than just a definite article, THE is a veritable cornerstone of the site, spoken of in hushed tones wherever people gather together to discuss prolific authors with ALLCAPS usernames only three letters in length. From computer expertise and nature documentaries to franklyludicrousamountsofUnNews, THE covers all bases. And he won the WotM at the twenty-ninth time of asking in January 2008.

Vital Question of the Week

If we put blatant space filler in this box, will anyone notice?

Classic "...of the Week" Box of the Week

Week Box of the week - by far the most classic Classic "...of the Week" Box of the Week, "Week Box of the week", was featured in the very first edition of the Unsignpost, and for some reason that only the classic writers of the most classic Classic "...of the Week" Box of the Week know, Week Box of the week spoke not of boxes, as you weak-minded simpletons might believe, but of something higher - Dr. Skullthumper or Cajek's "humor juice".