Parents Must Adjust When Kid`s In College

September 1, 1988|By LAWRENCE KUTNER, Syndicated Columnist

Hazel Tishcoff jokes self-consciously about whether her college-bound son, Joel, will be able to get up in the morning to go to class.

``I`ve been his alarm clock for I won`t tell you how long,`` says Tishcoff, a guidance counselor at Edward R. Murrow High School in New York. ``He assures me that whenever he`s been away, he`s done it. I have no way of knowing whether it`s true, but I guess I trust him.``

For Tishcoff and other parents watching their children leave home for college this fall, such practical concerns are common and signal a recognition that something extraordinary is happening.

Freshman year at college is often an adolescent`s first taste of sustained independence.

But the equally important challenge for parents receives less attention.

The first year at college leads to struggles, not only with the changes in their children but also with their own identities and their perception of the nature of a family.

``We talk about `my child,` `my son,` `my daughter,``` says Dr. John R. Thompson, director of psychological services at Oberlin College. ``It`s as if we want to keep them without realizing they`re not our possessions. Parents have to be willing to change that.``

To help them prepare for the changes and learn ways to provide the best support for Joel when he`s at school, Tishcoff and her husband, Sanford, attended a parent orientation program at the University of Rochester recently. Although that university was nearly alone when it started orientations for parents 20 years ago, the idea has spread rapidly in the past decade and has been greeted enthusiastically by parents and college administrators.

``It`s much less threatening to talk to the other parents at the orientation about your concerns than to talk to your sister-in-law,`` says Jacqueline Levine, an academic counselor at the University of Rochester who helps run the program for parents.

In addition to providing information about the school and community, the parents` orientation allows families to experience some of the emotions they will feel once the child is away at school.

Throughout most of the three-day program, parents and new freshmen attend different presentations and workshops.

``The most common question we hear during the orientation is `When am I going to see my kid again?``` Levine says.

TIMES, THEY ARE A CHANGIN`

Administrators at other colleges say that in the late `70s they began noticing a growing number of parents having difficulties separating from their children. Although it is the rare parent who will go so far as to give a child a wake-up call every morning, college administrators say many parents have trouble allowing their children to assume full responsibility for their academic and social lives.

``We started our program five years ago because, in the beginning of each year, the number of phone calls we got from parents was amazing,`` says Chris Colombo, dean of students at Johns Hopkins University. ``We`d hear the same things again and again: `I can`t reach my daughter.` `My son says he`s been eating cereal for six weeks because the food service is so terrible.` `My child has never behaved like this. There must be something wrong.```

These concerns appear to reflect the dramatic changes colleges have undergone since the days those parents were in school.

Colleges no longer view their role as ``in loco parentis.``

Freshman courses are no longer prescribed by the schools.

Such social rules as dormitory visiting hours and curfews have been abolished.

``The students are treated more like adults than when their parents were in college,`` says Karen Levin Coburn, associate dean of students at Washington University in St. Louis, and an author of Letting Go: A Parents` Guide to Today`s College Experience (Adler and Adler, 1988).

``Even though the buildings look the same, when you read the bulletin boards you`ll see signs for bulimia support groups and AIDS awareness workshops. Parents sometimes find these changes a bit frightening.``

Even the most sophisticated and calm parents can have trouble providing just the right mixture of encouragement and support for their departing children, college administrators say.

``The big question is, how do you communicate a message of `Good-bye, but we`re with you`?`` says Dr. Patrick Utz, a psychologist and director of the University of Notre Dame counseling center. ``That`s very different from saying `If you have a problem, give us a call.```

NOW WHAT DO YOU DO?

There are some things parents of freshmen can do to help their children through this transition to adulthood and independent living.

``Students want to control when they call home,`` says Nancy Cooper, associate dean of residential life at Oberlin College. ``They don`t mind doing it regularly, but they don`t want parents to call them.``

Regular mail from home, especially when it includes clippings from the local newspaper and an occasional care package of goodies, can ease students` anxiety throughout their time on campus, college administrators say.

``If your child calls to say he hates his roommate or the food is awful, don`t rush in to help,`` Cooper says.

``The best thing you can do is let him vent his feelings without passing judgment on what he`s saying. If, when he`s through talking, he still feels the same way, encourage him to solve the problem himself by going to the resources on campus.``