Is Chatting Cheating?

"A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he's married. After that it's cheating"—Yves Montand

Online sexual activity can involve various activities, such as viewing explicitly sexual materials, participating in an exchange of ideas about sex, exchanging sexual messages, and online interactions with at least one other person with the intention of becoming sexually aroused.

In his stimulating paper, "Chatting Is Not Cheating," John Portmann defends online lust and characterizes cybersex as talk about sex; he maintains that such talking is more similar to flirting than to having a sexual affair. In reality, though, the issue of online cheating is more complex—especially when it concerns sexual activities involving actual interaction with other individuals.

People, consciously or not, consider their online sexual relationships as real—they experience psychological states similar to those typically elicited by offline relationships. Accordingly, cybersex is not merely a conversation about sex, but a form of sexual encounter involves experiences typical of other encounters, such as sexual arousal, masturbation, orgasm, and satisfaction. Indeed, people consider cybersex to have a high degree of psychological reality—but many do not consider it to be morally real—at least not as real as offline affairs.

One survey found that more than 60 percent of people having cybersex do not consider it to be infidelity. Many of them believe cybersex to be similar to pornography—an extension of fantasy that actually helps to keep them from physical affairs with other people. Consider the following statement from a 41-year-old married man (all citations are from Love Online):

"My wife doesn't care if I have relationships (even sexual) on the Internet. It's like it's not real. I can get away with it. But I'm sure she'd get upset if we were to meet for a drink or something."

Some people, then, consider cybersex as a means not to cheat—something that may even add spice to their offline relationship. These people believe that if they do not even know the real name of their cybermate—and never actually see them—their affair cannot be regarded as real from a moral point of view; it's no different from reading a novel or other form of entertainment. In other words, a way to play out fantasies in a safe environment.

Other people are willing to concede that cybersex without the knowledge of their partner, is cheating because it involves deception; nevertheless, some still maintain it's a type of "OK" cheating. In some circumstances, cybersex may in fact help a person through a rough period in an offline, loving relationship. In such situations, cybersex may even be advisable—but still regarded as cheating. As a 29-year-old married woman who often engages in cybersex, says:

"People need to ultimately and consistently remind themselves that 99% of fantasy is WAY better than the actual reality."

When people feel trapped by their current circumstances, but still do not want to ruin their relationship, cyberspace may offer a parallel world in which things are better. Time spent in that world can help them preserve their actual world, while not giving up on having exciting, even emotional experiences. Living within the two worlds is not easy, however, and may become increasingly risky when people do not realize the limitations of each.

Whereas people having online affairs tend to understate their problematic nature, their offline partners typically do not see any difference between online and offline affairs: A lack of direct physical contact and face-to-face meetings does not diminish the sense of a violation of their vow of exclusivity. The fact that most of these affairs are concealed from offline spouses is indicative of the possible harm. Consider this reaction:

"I glanced at the screen and was shocked to find John talking to some woman about how he'd like to throw her on the bed and make wild, passionate love to her. I was furious and hurt."

A similar attitude is expressed in the following message:

"I recently found a love letter my husband sent to a woman via email. I know there has been no physical contact because she lives across the country, but I still feel betrayed, humiliated, and hurt."

Just as casual sex is not necessarily inherently harmful, neither are online affairs. But they may be so when participants are also involved in another primary offline relationship, because of the harm imposed on those partners. In this regard, the following aspects are particularly significant:

The resources invested in such affairs are taken from the primary relationship.

The wish to actualize online relationship is intense.

The degree of intimacy in online affairs is high.

All of these worries are genuine and can be found in many online relationships. One way of reducing the weight of these difficulties is to distance the online affair from offline circumstances—for example, by refraining from exchanging personal, actual details or by imposing other limitations on the online affair. Thus, people may agree not to develop a profound relationship, permitting themselves only virtual one-night stands, or an uncommitted affair, or a promise with a partner to tell each other about each online affair.

As one woman in a committed relationship remarks about her online sexual affairs:

"I've had this discussion with my boyfriend and we both agree that as long as it's not with the same person more than twice, it is really masturbation. It's like reading an erotic story and masturbating to it. I think, however, if you do it with the same person more than once there is a risk of getting attached to them."

However, the above types of limitations are extremely difficult to follow, as online boundaries are less constant and rigid.

Generally, online affairs are easier to perform and put the agent in a less vulnerable position, as the chances of getting caught or being hurt in other ways are considerably reduced. They are also perceived to involve a lesser degree of betrayal, as they involve more imaginary elements and the degree of neglecting the partner's interests may be lesser. The private nature of online affairs may make them less painful for the betrayed partner as well. Moreover, when online affairs are revealed to the significant other, which is done more often than when offline circumstances are involved, it could be considered as something less than cheating.

Nevertheless, since online affairs are psychologically real they do often cause actual harm to one's primary, offline romantic relationship. Accordingly, many people will be just as disturbed about a partner's online sexual affairs as they would be if they discovered that their spouse was exchanging steamy love letters with someone else. When people do not consider online affairs as mere fantasy or interactions with an anonymous series of computer links, the result can be highly emotional and especially harmful.

Hi, I'm Damian and I been dating a wonderful woman same age as me for about 5 monts.

To make story short. My phone broke, so my girl gave me one of her old phones. Without knowing she didn't erase any pictures which were all shared with her icloud account.
To my surprise, I found out that she likes to take lots of semi-naked shots, and between one of them she took a shot of her Face time wearing her bra and her facial expression was of that of a very aroused person.

My problem with this was that the guy she was face timing it's somebody that lives about 30 minutes away, and they actually met directly before in the past, as she told me.

I feel very disgusted by it, and I'm very doubtful about our relationship to keep building up. Since she has this desires for people that are not just random on the online world, but they are actually people she knows or met in person.

Well, thanks for whoever it might have read this. I just wanted to write it somewhere. Maybe somebody is going thru the same and would like to exchange a few stories etc.

Chatting is not cheating provided the guy only CHAT not cheating. If you're flirting, sending naked pictures, and kisses etc, that's not call chatting. That's cheating.
Cheating can be out drinking, lunch, coffee, dinner, bar, or even straight to the point "sxx"

Well, for me, if my bf ever do that, and i will give him a chance, but how long can the women/lady tolerate..
so, be nice..

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Great article. I wanted to comment that, in my experience, fully 1/3 of the couples whom I see are dealing with issues of infidelity related to some form of cyber relationship, whether sexual or otherwise. Partners of the individual who has stepped outside the relationship typically view this circumstance as every bit as egregious as a direct sexual affair.

Michael,
Thanks for your kind words.
We can expect that these relationships will become more prevalent in the near future and even more so in the more remote one when most of the population will have begun their online activities in their early youth. Online relationships seem to be the most serious challenge that long-term romantic relationships have ever been faced with. This is due, among other things, to the private, easily accessible, and inexpensive nature of cyberaffairs.
All the best,
Aaron

I thought you did a wonderful job with this article (although there were a couple of spots I had minor issues with). If it's of any interest, I have a site where I report and comment on social issues, relationships and romance in the Second Life virtual world, and recently I've posted some articles with advice for cheaters and cheatees on the site:

Really wonderful article. It really hit home with a few things I had to deal with recently. Online relationships can be VERY hurtful to a spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend. Sometimes I don't think I'll ever really recover from how badly I was hurt. My advice would be, "be open" and if you are with someone who believes an online relationship is morally wrong, don't do it, or find someone who feels otherwise. Just don't hurt someone because you can't keep your pants zipped.

I found it deeply insulting and hurtful when I discovered that my ex partner found the need to regularly access internet porn and such like. Came home unexpectedly on one occasion and there he was heavily engrossed in obvious very arousing material ! I was told in no uncertain terms that it was " his body part " and that he could do with it as he wished ! In other words, I was making a fuss about nothing ! Sorry, it's not as if we had a dull or lacking sex life, quite the contrary, his libido demanded a full on sex life .......... His libido was insatiable, and in the end the real reason I asked him to move out ! I could no longer cope with his demands, I could not get adequate sleep or rest, it was a nightmare - and then to discover he needed something more on top ?!?!? Our separated living situation didn't work of course, no surprise there, with a libido like his, it was going to need fuelled ! No surprise again, when I was told he had had a fling since moving out and was already seeing who he dumped me for ! It would be interesting to hear how other women would have dealt with this Casanova - Lethario - I have never in my life met a guy like my ex - he is a beast ! Perhaps his current woman can handle it all, I certainly couldn't and not ashamed to admit ! Apart from his need for erotica online, he insisted on keeping up lots of relationships with exes and female friends, not only chatting with them online, but meeting for occasional lunch etc and male friends wives too ! Is it me, or is there a woman out there that would have accepted any / all of this ? Of course he gave me open rein to do the same, of course he would - it left things wide open for him to do as he pleased !! I think I had a very lucky escape, this guy has had loads of relationships and the demise of each was always the woman's fault, every time !

If adults can't deal with hurt feelings, what hope do we have for giving our children the skills to deal with the inevitable hurt feelings and suffering in life and love relationships? Whenever I read an article about infidelity, I am struck by the "trauma" and "damage" it supposedly causes. How fragile and insecure are people these days, that we can't learn how to deal with certain feelings (feelings are just energy). Granted, feelings like jealousy, anger, and hurt are no picnic, but why not learn how to deal with and manage them rather than make our partners stop anything they might ever do to "cause" them? The way I see it, you can chose to feel hurt by another person's actions or you can chose not to; ie., another person cannot make you feel any particular way - your response is your responsibility).

Years ago, I was cheated on by a boyfriend. Initially, I felt hurt and betrayed. But after 10 or 15 minutes of having my feelings, when I really thought about it and realized it wasn't about me, that he was feeding his own ego (and I can surely understand that), I felt immediately better. I did not have to forgive him, because I didn't feel hurt by him.

The internet is here to stay and infidelity rates keep rising. We can either learn how to live in this reality and handle these things (and maybe even lower our expectations around the issue of fidelity in relationships) or we can keep raging against them, saying its wrong, cursing the internet, and hoping people will learn how to self-regulate on yet another issue/temptation. The problem is, we are not very good at too much self-regulating.

I disagree with so much of what you say here. You say people are so fragile and insecure "these days" but people have been hurt in this way for a long time, way before we even had internet. Choosing how you feel about something implies that feelings are completely rational. We may as well be robots if we could so easily dismiss our feelings. That isn't to say we can't sometimes get over issues, or contain our feelings in some situations but to say we just choose what we feel is a denial of a huge part of what it means to have human emotions. You seem to be against the idea of people self-regulating on a "temptation" but pro people regulating on their emotional reactions. Seems contradictory to me! Our emotional reactions come in part from our values and what it means to us as individuals to be in a relationship. So if someone wants to engage in online pornography or cybersex, yes it is their choice but they also have the choice to consider the feelings of their partner/s and if they choose not to do so, I think it's perfectly valid and normal for their partners to feel hurt.

I don't believe either that we should lower our expectations, I believe we need to think more about what kind of relationship we want, what is important to us and find a partner who has compatible values.

You have pretty much given the best reason as why online cheating is harmful, the principle of do unto others as you'd have done to you. Give your partner the right and freedom to be true to their authentic self, if a person feels the need for others that's their choice but their partners should then have the freedom to decide if they want build a life with such a person. Thank you for your sharing your insight. Its a painful journey but one must always embrace ones authenticity.

I agree with so many things written here and am actually battling with it currently. As i found my boyfriend sex chatting and haven't really addressed it yet. I need to though as he was hiding it from me and also because our sexual life has diminshed recently which is why I find it a problem. I mean I never turn down sex, I am 10 years younger than him and a horn dog, so why is he wasting his 'sexual'energy online and not spreading it to me?
That is what he is going to have to explain to me, as now he has kind of broken my trust as he says he is in the office and he is ultimately getting off while I get nothing? Seems a bit unbalanced and as far as I am concerned, not a mutual relationship if one person is left unsatisfied while the other chats with 100's of 'women'.
Thanks for the article.

Since the coming of mobile phones and Internet - cheating has just all become way too easy ! I am divorced after 23 years of marriage, ex husband strayed once we both got mobiles ! I was with my ex fiance for 3 years - he was an internet porno lover and God only knows what else he got up to with his mobile and all the ex girlfriends, female colleagues and male friends wives he was in touch with continually ?! How could a woman not feel inferior with all his needs for other female contact ? No amount of love or lust could have satisfied him, he just craves women and the more the merrier ! Of course, you do not realise any of this until you are involved ! It will be very interesting to see how long his current relationship lasts ?! Perhaps she can cope with his insatiable libido way better than I, I applaude any woman who can ??

Your article really helped me iron out some thoughts, but if you will please allow me to speak openly.
Wow, I thought I was one of the few putting up with this crap. Only difference with my husband is that he not only uses Facebook, he uses yahoo, dating sites, myspace, his blackberry, etc. I have gotten several nasty pics, video's, chats and emails saved from where he lies to these women. Telling them how ugly, fat, and what a bitch that I am, while at the same time, telling them how hot and sexy they are and all that he would do to make them feel good. They get down right nasty, talking about their sexual activities together. He has met several of them and I have talked to many. He has told me with a few that he was in love with em. His recent one is married and they are both just waiting until they can get together again. This has been going on for four years since I have been with him, he even did this with his ex wife. The only reason that I have not divorced him yet, is because he has me right where he wants me, so he can have his cake and eat it too. He has us so far behing in bills, that if I kick him out now, my disabled son( not his child ) will be left in the streets. I have had four nervous breakdowns and want so bad to make him leave, but I am out of work and don't know how. By the way, I don't care who knows, so if you are a woman, cheating with married men online, in case you are talking to my husband, you aren't the only one he has and his name is Kevin Mark Strickland and you can have him!!!!!

Wow I am going through the same shit as you with my wife! She is on there lying about me and also lying about her age! I am getting real tired of it! E-mail me at dondressel@yahoo.com and we can compare notes! Isnt it funny how the internet makes people act like asses!

Unless accepted by both offline partners as a way of "spicing" things up, cyber sex in my opinion is no doubt cheating. The simple task of writing someone, and sharing feelings, pictures, etc is cheating. It's simple, if you can't tell your offline partner about it, then it's cheating.

About a yr ago I noticed my husband on his phone always on it ..and when he talked to me he would snap at me so I figured something was wrong ..I went thru his phone and he was chatting with his friends wife, I didn't think nothing about it ..she lives out of the country ..so I left it alone..so after 4 months passed I noticed sex was not happening and we constantly arguing. ..so I checked his phone he was sex chatting with the same woman. ..I was hurt and I couldn't believe it ..I was like that's why we dnt hv sex. ...cuz he is wacking off on her pics she sent him it pissed me off...so I confronted him after I kicked him out he wanted to talk to me ...I felt cheated on ..even tho there was no physical contact it hurt me ...cuz he talked bad about me saying he was tired of me...well if you are tired leave ...I work, I take care of my home. I deserve to be taken care of..I said call her right now he said he did not hv her number ,so I did it for him,i pushed redial .. sure enough she was waiting on his call hE told her not to bE calling him, that she was ca using problems with his wife...I said to her ... hello , how are you, are u bored at home? ...cuz I sure as hell am ....I didn't let her answer ..so I told her listen...take care of your family your sons need you and their father in their life ..your husband is boring sweet heart cuz he works all day in the sun to put food in your mouth you should find a job to help him and maybe you won't be as bored ,I'm sorry to disappoint you but mine is boring to...I'm in the same boat you floating on ..so respect yourself as a woman if not as a mother so your kids can be proud of.. if you can't respect yourself as a person how the hell are ppl going to respect you...dnt call here , I will blast you on live to ur husband and all your family members I have all your pictures and I will email all of them to your ppls she apologized to me but I wasn't hvg it .. so i just say have a good day ...I told my husband if I ever hear about this again I will leave you .. i can find another man in a min ..is that what you want cuz I can act a fool too 20 yrs down the drain cuz ppl can't seem to respect you as a person I dnt need to be living in a home hating my partner and he does not need to be in my bed ..so if you are happy here sTay, if this it's not for you ..just leave dnt feel forced to stay somewhere you are not happy ..I want the same respect I gv, I do not need someone to mk a fool of me do you? ...he just said no....All I ask is for respect. Why is it hard ? He said he didn't cheat and he loves me and he does not know why or when it started ..I ask of you ppl that think this is not cheating , why keep it a secret? ? Why not just say hey you know I like porn join in with me and we can work something out ..this is something new to me ..and I like to know what's going on and I notice when something is wrong you can feel it ..if I'm not getting anything I want to know why??so dnt think you can handle 2 women plz cuz that's a lie ..can't be done you do one or the other ..one will not get any lovin ...
I lost that trust I think he text others even tho he says no but now I can't stop thinking about him texting ..I just hv to figure out a way to trust again..you never stop thinking is he mking a date or planning on seeing someone somewhere. .it's all mental ..even tho you ok at home ..maybe I reacted wrong but I dnt know how to address this ..I am old fashioned ..all I ask is for respect and love is all ..maybe it got old but some of us still believe in love and respect. ..and I know not everyone is into a free for all nothing special about that ..everyone finger dipping in your bowl ..I'm refuse to eat from that same bowl.. I want my own ..thank you very much...someone out there feels this same way , I see so many young girls display their body on fb page after page ..do guys really like their girls to do this? Do they not feel jelous ?if there is no jelousy how can u call it love? If there is nothing to feel mk you feel you possess it , how can u claim it as your own?
How it is yours to keep if everyone and anyone can claim it?

I feel for you and i totally understand where you are coming from.
If you scroll up a bit you will find my experience, from around a year ago..
Reading your words brought it all back for me...
How have you left things now?
Are you still together?

What you need to do is impose rules between yourselves: what we have done (myself and my partner) is no passwords on phones, if i request to check his phone every now and then, he has to let me. Try and spend real time together, like sit down meals and stuff instead of just sitting apart on the sofa on our phones..
We are still together, i am still hurt but i think trust will return eventually.
It has to be both ways.

Have you had a proper relationship ending conversation?
If he really loves you and wants to be with you, he needs to promise to change.
Routine sets itself in all relationships, the key is to not let it submerge you, and you are right, there is has to be trust and respect.
Without that, you have nothing
Take care hun xxx

Hi i have a question I've been with my husband seven years and he's 36 am 38 and he dosnt want sex and he's always in the bathroom for 30 to 40 minutes a day and I've been trying to figure him out im always getting turned down when i want sex and the only time he want sex is when he wants it so i put a stop to it i feel like if i cant have him when i want him im cool so could he be doing the same i asked him was he gay or cheating he said no and im a very beautiful chic so i dont understand the no sex

hi, I have come home on 5 occasions now to find my husband naked from the waist down videoing himself for a girl on a chat line! I managed to get into the site and he was "looking for local,discreet fun"!!! I went berserk . first time was just after our first wedding anniversary Dec 2009, and hthe other just up until about September last year. it has ruined our marriage,, I do not trust him at all. I went to councelling and was really upset when the councellor brushed this aside by saying it was just like looking at porn, sorry it isn't,! " Looking for local discreet fun" would imply to me that he wanted to physically meet up with a local woman, if it had been a chat site in Brasil , I may not have been so bothered. I try but cannot forget what he has done and every night I expect to see him on the PC when I get home, what a horrible way to live! I have told him if I catch him again I will have no choice but to leave him. I still love him but it has affected our sex life which causes more stress to us as he will probably just go back online! I do not know what to do to get us back to normal...............

The first 20yrs after being married my husband had an online affair he believes it was not an affair because sex wasn't envolved , really? usually the sex comes after dummy! well here we go again now we are married 34 yrs 3 months he fell asleep with the phone while she was texting him while were were in bed I woke up.
he continues to say nothing happen it was all a fantasy ect.....I am devastated ! we are in counseling he still wont tell me how it occurred or answer my questions even though the therapist has adviced him to, he gets in a spiraling rage and says he feels dirty and angry for making me go through all this pain and he never ment to hurt me and doesn't want to talk about he says its too painfull for him? I am sooo confused about our marriage ...any advice???

The first 20yrs after being married my husband had an online affair he believes it was not an affair because sex wasn't envolved , really? usually the sex comes after dummy! well here we go again now we are married 34 yrs , approximately 3 months ago he fell asleep with the phone while she was texting him while were were in bed I woke up.
he continues to say nothing happen it was all a fantasy ect.....I am devastated ! we are in counseling he still wont tell me how it occurred or answer my questions even though the therapist has adviced him to, he gets in a spiraling rage and says he feels dirty and angry for making me go through all this pain and he never ment to hurt me and doesn't want to talk about he says its too painfull for him? I am so hurt from reading all the text messages I cant believe he would tell another woman he loves her wants her ect. I don't think I can ever forget that... I am sooo confused about our marriage ...any advice???

I'm going through the exact same thing right now. I found out less than 2 months ago. My husband and I have been married 21 years. He won't tell me anything or her information or why he picked her off craigslist personals. I take good care of him in every way. I put a voice activated recorder when I had to take our daughter overnight to a doctors appointment because I knew he was up to something but hearing the phone sex has been devastating to me. He says it isn't an affair???!!! He has been emailing and talking to the same person on the phone and I don't know for how long. I asked if he talked to her on March 5th, our anniversary, and he said no that is a sacred day!?! :-o I text him that morning on March 24th and told him I wasn't waiting around while he got to know someone. He text back, why do you think there is someone else? what kind of person do you think I am? Really? Did you stay in your marriage? If you did, has he come clean or do you have any trust for him? I'm just so sad!

Although I understand there's no contact. Its more involved than a novel or porn, you are actively going out and seeking sexual pleasure, just like a physical cheat would in a club. And I think it would be humiliating, just like your boyfriend flirting with another woman, it suggests that another woman can satisfy your man ONLINE more than you can in real life. Ouch.

I dont blame women and men alike for being hurt by it, as obviously the above situation is also the other way around. If cyber sex is your thing you like, cyber with your partner, often the case a persons mind is far dirtier and exciting than their confidence (or other things, like flexibility) will allow in the bedroom.

This comment is less about online chatting affairs and more about fantasy relationships people create.

I have an ex who is a really great friend but was a bad boyfriend. When we were going out he was pining over his friend, a girl, who had a boyfriend. To him, she was perfect but I know she wasn't. He had a fantasy of what he thought they would be like if they ever got together. This fantasy gave him happiness when he was in it but gave him no agency to try to make a change to his reality. People resort to fantasy when they are stuck, but that fantasy can also hinder them so that opportunities to create a better life are passed by.

The girl he is with now, he's being the boyfriend I would have wished he would be. The problem with our relationship? Not me. He's still unhappy with her. He's been unhappy with his life for a long while. I hope his current gf loses some weight and maybe he'll find her attractive since he mostly enjoys the relationship otherwise, but knowing him as he is right now, he'll never be happy with anything other than the fantasy in his head.

Some of these people are a lost cause and putting restrictions on them might make the person with them feel better but does not change them inside. That change, only starts with perseverance.

If I write a book that is sexual erotic and people read it and become sexual stimulated is this wrong. Is it wrong to feel sexual stimulated. Some people say that we should only have sex to make baby then what die. We are mammals and have sex and more sex then more sex. If a person write a erotic story to another person on the internet and that person responds to it. Cyber sex they are having an affair shock horror. What is the difference between a person reading a books and gets sexual stimulated or reads emails and feeling the same way. So people love to meet and comment on a writers work or works is this wrong. Maybe people just what to feel sexy again.

As a woman who enjoys and finds porn (written as well as visual) a fun distraction sometimes, myself, I have to say that there is a HUGE difference between the creator/reader relationship in which the erotic lit or porn video is pre-recorded and offered to anyone and everyone, and the reciprocal giving and receiving of pleasure that occurs in a one-on-one sexual interaction between individuals online (real time text/audio/or video chat, emails, online RPGs, phone calls, text messages, paper letters, etc.)

I recently discovered that my partner has been video chatting with other women. For him, it's something he did out of boredom, and though he says he knew it would be hurtful if I found out, it isn't really any different from porn for him, and he's happy to give it up. He claims he's only mutually masturbated with one woman since he and I have been together, that it lasted about 4 minutes, and that they never even asked for one another's names, but what has hurt me so much is that he went in search of someone to do things to give sexual pleasure specifically to HIM, and that he did things to give sexual pleasure to a specific someone other than me. He allowed someone else to see what his face looks like as he orgasms, hear the noises he makes, the way his breathing speeds up. These are intimate things that he should only be sharing with me, but he shared them with someone else. We both want a long-term future together, and are committed to working through my hurt, but he will never be able to say that he's never been intimate with anyone but me throughout the life of our relationship. Private parts of my body and the way I behave during sexual moments have and will belong only to him for the rest of our life together. He can never say he gave me the same gift :(

tl;dr Putting sexual material out into the world is a one way street. Connecting with a person and sharing intimacy is cheating, whether there is emotion involved or not.

Betrayal. Deception. Lies. Are these not part of cheating? Physical contact may not occur but this is a new way of dating these days. More and more people meet online. Some people even date exclusively online. In a monogamous relationship seeking sexual experiences with another person, in my opinion, is cheating. Does it make a difference if they are down the street or across the county? Erotic writings and porn is one thing. It's not like once you meet someone you loose all sexual attraction to others. Your not interacting with the person in porn or erotic fantasy. Not sharing a part of you with them. If this is something you and your partner both think is okay then that's one thing. If it has to be hidden and lied about its on another level. If someone breaks the bonds of trust for sexual pleasure and knows it would hurt the partner it's cheating. The mere fact that someone hides it implies guilt. Are emotions less valid if the partner discovers this? Is the hurt and pain they feel less real because physical skin never touched? Is the way they view the relationship and partner knowing they have been deceived not valid? This kind of emotional sex can be devastating to the committed relationship. Attraction and desire are also chemical in the brain regardless of sexual contact. So yes I think it's cheating unless it is an agreed part of the relationship.

I recently found my partner of 8 years on three dating apps and some sexual pictures send to a few emails on Craigslist. I just happened to be snooping and found out that he has been online and cybersexing four about 4 years. And it hurts just as much as if he would have physically cheated. We have two kids together and that makes me even more upset and hurt because I feel like he wasn't thinking about his family.

I've recently discovered this article due to my lack of knowledge on the subject matter. A few days ago, my boyfriend and I were watching a basketball game and I noticed he was very consumed in a game. It wasn't actually a game little did I know, he was having 3D sex with another female by using avatars and sexually enticing each other with descriptions and positions. This is disturbing and possibly an addiction since its been masked for so long. These things can become quite an issue. He was aroused. His body and mind were stimulated. He was being deceptive bc he had a connection to hide. These are all signs of a typical cheater in real life to me.

It is hard to live in virtual world of chatting and cheating, but as much that hurts cheated person, person who cheats feels also bad. Maybe it is kind of addiction as gamble or alcohol, where is hard to stop without expert help. It depends how your partner accept this. I wrote about this on my blog page.

Hi all, i have no one to talk to and i am facing a terrible dilemma... :'(
Like a lot of people on here i have been "cyber cheated on" by my partner of 8 years.
This happened 8years ago, at the start of our relationship, i caught him, he promised to stop (sex chat rooms).
3months ago, i caught him talking in private messaging on Facebook to some girl he used to know (friend's ex) and they had been talking dirty to each other. And o know she lives in the same city as us.
We nearly broke up for good, i was so hurt and betrayed... I didn't want to throw 8years of our relation out of the window, after much begging and lots of promises to get better, i took him back.
Yesterday i checked his internet history on his phone and found out that he regularly visit a site called Mocospace, chatroom site, has a profile on there (no photo) and chats to girls. Along with lots of porn and also in the history i could tell he'd been Googling that very girl that nearly caused us to split up 3months ago...

I can barely remember the last time we had sex, December i think, it's never been enough for me and i keep thinking we're not in a healthy relationship with desire and enough sex. I don't feel wanted and despite his promises, nothing changes.

He is now begging me for one last chance, he says he has a problem and is prepared to get rid of his phone and go see someone if necessary.
I don't know what to believe..

I cannot talk to my friend about this as she'd just tell me i told you so, i cannot talk to my mom as it would break her heart. I'm at total loss...
Please help xx

hi I am somewhat having the same dilemma. I have been wth my husband for 2 years and I caught him taking to a girl from Craigslist. he says they never met and I told him that it's still wrong simply because he has me to please him. he said he has a problem and openly admitted to it. I don't mind him watching porn because I enjoy it myself. mind you we have sex regularly. when I confronted him he said he has never met these women and it just gets him off getting a response. I don't know that seems so iffy to me. I'm utterly embarrass to even talk about it to my friends let along my family..he says he can easily stop but it's just the fact that he would give that attention to someone else or need to get off by someone else is so hurtful. I don't know what to do

I don't give a rat's ass what you call it.
Sure, one is more severe than the other. But don't deviate from the idea of right/wrong. It's a black and white issue - there is no shades of grey.

Online chatting can lead to emailing,texting,skype and finally in person. If your partner is going so far as to chat online with other men/women, then chances are your relationship is on the rocks.
If you catch them - have a heart to heard and/or move on and find someone else.
Good luck.

I have occasionally through the years (since college) engaged in explicit online sexual chat with both men and women, posing either as a female or male, gay or straight, or bisexual. I have never considered or have had any desire to actually meet someone or carry on a continuous conversation. To me it has either been more about manipulation or a curiosity for the strange (much like watching a youtube video of someone being hit by a bus or mutilated). Recently my wife has informed me that she has found these emails/chats with men and also knows of text I've received from women (one ex gf) and feels that I have been unfaithful and that she can no longer trust me. I have never thought of this as a concern until now as I have not done this on a routine basis and have never met anyone or tried to meet anyone. I am not sure what triggers these conversations other than extreme boredom and a curiosity for the strange. Any thoughts or feedback would be appreciated.

I am writing this as a person who has done it all........it was nearly 18 years ago I found internet chat sites and at the time I was in a marriage was flat. These chat sites brought excitement back into my life, however they were not the reason my marriage broke down. Anyway after I had separated I began to see a womenl I had been chatting with in an intimate way and we soon moved in together. Since we moved in together I have divorced my wife and began a full on relationship with this women, we have been living together for 12 years and are currently raising school aged children; however during most of this time I had been continuing my exploits on chat sites, giving myself pleasure telling women all types of things about what I wanted to do to them and what I was doing, yes I have been caught on several occasions and was told how it made her feel, but at the time I did not truly realise the damage I was doing. Over the last couple of years my internet activity has slowly decreased to where it has now stoped; however as this decreased the hurt and pain I caused my partner didn't, I had lost the intimate contact with her I should have been experiencing all these years. She would tell me that I paid her no attention, she would tell me she needed to feel loved and desired, she even said to me that maybe she should go and hook up with a guy she decided not to see and instead keep seeing me at the very start 13 years ago. Well after all the hurt and lack of love I showed her, she decided that she would go and seek out her secret man of 13 years ago. It is only recently I have found out that she has been in contact with him via text and phone message for the last 2 1/2 years and last week admitted to me that she had an affair with him. It is only now after she told me that I can truly understand the hurt pain and suffering she went through with my internet chat sites. If I can pass this message onto anyone who is doing this, STOP it before it not only destroys others life it will also destroy your life. She has recently told me that she does not love me anymore and thinks she has felt that way for some time; I hope and pray that others out there have the respect and love for their partner / girlfriend or wife and either leave them if you want to do this or stop it now before its to late,

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I've been with my partner for 12 years. And for nearly all of that time my partner plays around on line. At first I did use to spy on him as his behaviour was changing towards me. He was a loving man then became argumentitive. I threatened to leave and he promised to stop. But it didn't and carried on. I found a place for myself eventually and his this from him until 2 weeks before I wa going . He asked me if I was ok? And then I broke down and told him I was leaving him. He said he would not want me to go and ended up moving in with me and renting his place. Soon after he began his cheating on line. We had a huge row. I was not spying no more that I had learned to ignore as it was driving me crazy. But instead it was in my face. His mobile would go off and he would panic... Again I told him to go.. He wouldn't . Just recently, a photo appeared on his phone. He was showing me a photo and I happen to spot a photo of him in his towel , he was standing in front of a mirror and taking the pic full length. I just said who did u send that too? My daughter he said? He panicked , he hadn't sent that to his daughter, why would a dad send a pic like that to his daughter unless he's not right! I said I would ask her then he said he had a moment of self praise to take the pic. Again lies. I've told him again to go. I'm so serious. I can't trust him . He spins it all around and says I'm possessive and controlling. He don't work he don't pay nothing towards living with me and does nothing? I'm poses ive and controlling? No I'm a fool who loves this man and all he wants to do is manipulate me. He won't leave . Hence why this has carried on and then I hate the silence and then offer him a tea or coffee and our life starts again until the next time. I'm so hurt and feel so betrayed. He doesn't love me so why torment me?
Please reply and help

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