Monthly Archives: November 2014

Update Friday 28th November: Yes Brits as daft as Yankees. Thousands fight to buy fabricated bargains. Thanks God for that, we can now continue to fool most of the little people most of the time. IMM members may join me for a Sherry at the Club later. DL

Black Friday, the day when the average shopper becomes one prawn short of a sandwich is almost upon us. And it’s now crossed the Atlantic and is alive and well in in the UK. So how is our retail industry going to respond to this get rich quick opportunity? The email chain below was forwarded to me in confidence and I am publishing it here on the strict understanding you will not pass it on to the general public or tell anyone else. Or I shall be very cross indeed. It clearly shows how one of our top retailers has stepped up to the plate and is now bringing the Black Friday concept to their UK stores thus improving shareholder value and driving board bonuses, a model all Mediocre Managers should aspire to.

From: CEO : Subject: CONFIDENTIAL: Guidance – get your fingers out!!!! Time: 23:01 SundayIt has come to my notice that our American cousins across the pond have a day they call ‘Black Friday’ where the stores load themselves full of ‘special offers’ and then flog them to the great unwashed at so called bargain prices. Brilliant. I spoke to our U.S stores CEO and he tells me he just ships in a load of tatty TV’s and other goods from China and labels them ‘Samsong’ or ‘Soni’ and then reduces the price on the labels from $1,000 to $250 and still manages to make a 100% margin.Why aren’t we doing this? Correction. Do this or else!

From: Marketing Director: To: CEO Time: 23:02 MondayHi Sir,I was thinking exactly the same. I have pinged a mail to Bob, Gary and Steve and they will provide a deck and a marketing plan to you by 09:00 tomorrow. You are so right as usual.Deferentially yours

From: Marketing Director: To: Sales and Marketing Department: Time: 00:04 MondayI am disappointed that you lot are not up to speed on this task. I clearly sent out guidance at our last team meeting about improving things and one of you at least should have picked this up and organised a Black Friday campaign. Ideas to me in next hour or you can say goodbye to the Antigua team meeting.

From: Sales and Marketing Team: Time: To: CEO and Marketing Director: 08:59 MondayThanks for challenging us!!! We were stretched and are loving it J !!!!!!! Such a good idea to do a Black Friday promotion and here’s the plan based on your guidance and helpful insights.

(1) The Plan: Spectrum Fridays: We researched Black carefully and found that there are other colours as well. Our Head Graphic Designer,found another 51 different colours on his Apple, so we thought, why don’t we have a [insert colour here] Friday every week?!!. We are lovin’ this sooo much!.

(2) Sourcing the Stock: Barry in Procurement can source a shipload of Far Eastern Tat including, HFC phones, Nickon cameras and Lewis Vitton handbags. We then store this gear and release some of it into the stores every Friday for the next year.

(3) Brilliant Offers!: We can do BOGOFs, or Sale! Up to 50% off or even a Ye Old Shoppe Salle offer in time for Xmas.

(4) And this is making money for you, Sir: For example: Nickon Fireball XL5 cameras reduced from £699 to £299 plus free shutter switch. Note cost price for a container load is £49 each.

(5) Supporting Data: For this to work we need lots of stupid people. Our research department came up with the following metric from Albert Einstein (he’s a scientist as well as a marketing thought leader). He stated:“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.”

(6) Video proof that this premise will work : Here is a video of a typical Black Friday in the U.S.

Black Friday Shoppers

Assuming this discerning shopper demographic lives in the UK then this plan works really well.Thanks for reading this Sir!

So great stuff. Its all here – strong, patronising leadership, a middle management that knows its place and a willingness to drain every last penny from their bargain basement challenged customer base. Showing yet again that Britannia Rules the Sales.

Like this:

For those who may not know Tesco PLC is a multinational grocery and general merchandise retailer. After Walmart, it is the second-largest retailer in the world measured by profits and second-largest retailer in the world measured by revenues. It has stores in 12 countries across Asia, Europe and North America and is the grocery market leader in the UK. But it’s now in trouble for allegedly telling porky pies about its recent profits. A new Mediocre company we Brits can be proud of! Take a look at the share price.

And this crisis has hit the other side of the pond as poor old Warren Buffet is now down to his last $70.3 Billion as he loses heavily on Tesco shares. (Please note that If you are able to donate to the WB I’m very nearly broke fund please do so that we can assist the poor guy in his dotage. As usual send all donations to Dick who will pass them on taking only reasonable expenses out)

There is however some good news. With the departure or suspension of many key Tesco Executives, rumours are circulating in the City of the imminent appointment of Torvil DeHavilland-Pratt, noted Marketing guru and a Director of the Institute of Mediocre Management, as Most Senior Executive RS VP Promotions at Tesco In an exclusive interview, Torvil revealed how he has married together the financial expertise of the remaining Tesco Accountants and the stores reputation for low prices. So coming to a store near you will be the Get more Cash for your Cash! instore promotion He explains: “The prices for brand new and genuine £10 pound notes will be slashed. They were previously on sale at £14.99 each but will now be only £12 each or 2 for £22.99. If these notes are invested in the new Tesco Investment Trusts Upgrade Programme or TiTsUp customers will receive an interest rate of between -10% and +10%” Typical Example of whats bound to happen to your investment:

Buy 10 x £10 notes at £14.99 each

£149.90

Introductory discount (2 for £22.99)

£34.95

Actual price for customer

£114.95

Total at end of 5 years cumulative interest (with assumed interest rate at 10%)

£185.13*

“That’s over £70 profit from your TiTsUp fund”, explained Torvil, “compared to none if you’d kept 10 x £10 notes in a tin under your bed for the same time. And if you put in £100,000 and why wouldn’t one? You would get £71,000 yes £71,000 for doing nothing but acting smugly for 5yrs.” So Dick Lannister says ignore Warren Buffet, what does he know? With Torvil likely to lead the way at Tesco, sell everything you own and invest in this famous Mediocre UK company’s fantastic scheme.

* Please note that your capital rate ratios portfolios can levitate gravitationally both in a vertical and upwards scenario but also move in an anti-positive direction which may result in your fiscal remainder being short of a contribution or two at the end of term.

According to a recent press release by the Institute of Leadership and Management (ILM) the top ten bad behaviours witnessed in the workplace were:

Cutting corners – 72%

Lying to hide your mistakes – 72%

Badmouthing colleagues – 68%

Passing the buck (when you don’t get your work done) – 67%

Slacking off when no one’s watching – 64%

Lying to hide other people’s mistakes – 63%

Taking credit for other people’s work – 57%

Taking a sickie – 56%

Lying about skills and experience – 54%

Taking low value items from work – 52%

This is an extremely worrying set of statistics and despite the source being a press release is very likely to be true.

It’s clear from this that successive governments and do-gooders have been pushing the education agenda too far. If you start telling the workers that they are equal in stature and status to their managers they start getting ideas well above their station and start behaving like one.

These so called ‘bad’ behaviours are the cornerstone of our Mediocre Management culture, a set of carefully honed skills that take years to perfect, requiring practice and effort to ensure they are never spotted and the manager never caught out.

Enabling the staff (sorry, ‘colleagues’), students, interns (!) and Doris the tea lady to get above their station in life and ‘cut corners’ or ‘’pass the buck’ is manifestly unacceptable behaviour and must be stopped or the rot will soon set in. Before we know it there will workers on the Board, the pay gap between them and us will shrink and we may even see a need for accountability for management decisions. This needs to be stopped!

Now in the good old days you could take one or two out and flog them as an example to the others but not today, you can’t even fire someone without 20 warnings and HR crawling all over your back so you’ll need to keep your retribution legal and above board.

My suggestions are:

An outdoors bonding weekend in February involving a river, a build-your -own raft and 7.00am starts

Compulsory team meetings every Friday at 5pm

A Bush tucker trial where employees have to eat insects or work unpaid overtime

Promote the most disliked member of staff to a supervisory role over the most rebellious department

If none of this works, then fall back to the tried and trusted method of a long-winded re-organisation. Set impossible targets and create a host of ‘challenges’ to be overcome with a gentle hint that winners keep their jobs.