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Saturday, December 27, 2014

Happy post-Merry, my damies! I'm off for the weekend. Attending some nuptials ON Long Island, actually. Hopefully this time I won't get cut off by Ron Popeil on the Long Island Expressway. Yeah, maybe this time it'll be Tony Robbins or that ferret looking creep from the ShamWow commercials. Either way, I'm not one to leave you hanging just because I have a male friend that thought it would be a good idea to hold a wedding on a weekend during football season. So here's my take on which degenerati you should be putting in your body as we head into 2015. Good luck to you all, and I'll catch you next year...

Friday, December 19, 2014

Happy holidays, my damies! And here's my gift to you. Lindsay Lohan, dancing around in a bra, sweater, and some sort of Christmas themed hat. Ho ho ho indeed! Am I right? Yeah, I'm right. But that doesn't make me love her any less. And if nothing else, you gotta appreciate a celebrity that can just throw shit at a wall in an attempt for attention, and not bring the world to the brink of nuclear terrorati abomination. Freakin' Rogen and Franco. Oh yeah, I can't believe an enemy of ours got upset when you mocked the leader of their government AND their religion! I mean, who would have thought that government and religion were hot button issues?! Freakin' Teds. But at least we've got LiLo here to bring some levity to the situation. And some freckled thighs and breasts. Which are really the most important things, here. Things that, if we ever let terrorist keep from us, then they indeed would have ALREADY WON THE WAR!...

And now I'll try to win the war against a .500 record. All while using Big Red's bouncing bosoms up there as my inspiration. I mean, hey. If she can make a comeback, then why can't I? Hmmm? What's that? Oh, you're saying she hasn't made a comeback yet? Interesting. OK, well then allow me to return the favor, and show her what coming back is all about! And no, Lindsay. That wasn't a typo. No, sweetie. The words "on her" weren't supposed to precede the word "back". Yes, I'm sure. Come on now, babe. This is a family column...

Friday, December 12, 2014

You hear it all the time. "Don't piss on my head and tell me it's raining". A colorful way of saying, "Hey, don't bullshit me. I'm not an idiot". Which is also a colorful phrase. Because apparently all of the good words are "colored". Certainly sounds racist to me, but that's a battle I'll have to fight on another occasion...

Yeah, so you hear that all the time. Yet, as recent behavior would heavily suggest, those who have actually risen to the top of the business ranks in professional sports have gotten there by whizzing their respective ways right along the yellow highway of prosperity. Namely, the Red Sox front office, and our main man Roger Goodell, up there. They operate under the assumption that none of us are smart enough, or care enough to actually call them on their urination. And they're right to think that, because when it comes to sports entertainment, we all more or less have the attention span of a ferret on crystal Meth. But that doesn't mean they still aren't dick bags for doing it, and shouldn't be called out as such. Which is what I'm doing here...

You really tried to sign Jon Lester? Bullshit. And now you're undoubtedly going to try and sell me that this was your plan all along? Bullshit. You really did your best to get to the bottom of the Ray Rice situation? Bullshit. You all did just enough to make it look like you were trying your best, while in actuality you were just whizzing down all of our collective legs, and raking in as much money as possible. And you can tell that, not just by the warm sensation running down your limbs, but by the way both parties are now rolling out their respective "See, wha-ha-happened was..."

So, yeah. You're not foolin' me, you rat bastards. I mean, you still own my soul, because I'm more or less addicTed to your product. But, being an American consumer, that doesn't deter me at all. You know, because we're used to shoveling shit into our mouths without questioning how it got there? Yeah, so you're LUCKY rat bastards, is what you are. And you can consider yourselves having been put on notice. Which really just means that I'm jealous that the respective parties have been able to become rich and powerful despite their perceived idiocy, and their penchant for untruths. But still, notice is notice. Even if you've already wisely come to the conclusion that nobody can, or ever will, beat the Whiz...

Yeah, so there's that. Freaking rat bastards. They don't want to be honest with us, and we can't be bothered enough to force them to change. And now, there are picks! Which I've made in an attempt to diminish my own rat bastard-ness. That, and I want to become rich so I can whizz down people's legs. I WANNA BE THE GREG MADDUX OF THIS!!!...

Friday, December 05, 2014

Christmas aside, we've reached a magical time of year. The baseball hot stove is boiling over, college basketball is beginning to percolate, and the Boston sports talk yakkers are trying to remember what it was they'd been using to fill all of this early winter time the past few years (It's the B's and C's, guy kid!! The B's and C's!!!)...

And seeing that for me, baseball = Red Sox and college basketball = Syracuse, I've got a quick thought on both before I delve into my picks. And they are as follows...

The Red Sox: This offseason is proving once and for all that this ownership has no real plan, other than making sure their product makes them money. They're in the business of using duct tape to fix their money machine, rather than even attempting to make reasonable repairs that could right the ship for years to come. I know, I sound like some rich Ted complaining about a scuff on his Bentley. But here we are...

AND

Syracuse: Chris McCullough and Rakeem Christmas have been great. And they're going to make the Orange tough to handle on the interior. But without improved guard play (namely from Kaleb Joseph and Mike Pinner J), especially at the end of games, it's going to be tough for Syracuse to win many games against any legitimate competition. AKA The ACC...

So there we have all of that. And yep, I'm basically a spoiled child. Now, it's onto the picks! Complete with two WHOLE Dave Chappelle references in order to justify the random title I decided to use. They're good ones, though. So there's always that...