These are some of the reasons why we are vegans

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It has been a brutal winter for Punxsutawney Phil. The
weather has been wonderful, but little snow means that Phil's been awake,
and his handlers delight in feeding Phil ice cream, a not-so natural rodent
food. Phil skipped his usual hibernation this year due to the mildest winter
in memory.

Could an overweight Phil be due to the powerful growth factors
in milk and dairy products? Groundhogs should not be eating a
diet of bovine growth hormones and high calorie-containing
saturated animal fat. Neither should humans, for that matter.

The 2015 New York version of Groundhog
Day will differ from last year's in which
Mayor Bill de Blasio dropped Staten
Island Charlotte on her head killing the
animal. New Yorkers suffered 6 additional
months of hell after the mayor botched
the traditional ceremony.

The January 7, 2015 issue of
Medical Microbiology and Immunology describes a process by which
experimental groundhogs are being injected with hepatitis B virus
strains in order to come up with
a vaccine to help infected humans.
Ellie Barnes and her team of Oxford animal sadists have not witnessed
such torture as when the New York Knicks played and lost a regular
season game on January 15th (two weeks ago) by sixteen points in
London. Whose idea was that to Schedule such a fiasco? Probably
the same genius who invited de Blasio to a repeat performance this year in
New York.

Hopefully, that is not what people witness today in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania where there is currently
A mix of rain and snow.

As today's column is being composed,
spectators standing in Gobblers Knob
awaiting the appearance of a groundhog
named Phil are trying to stay warm in
33 degree temperatures with wet snow
and icy rain.

There will be light snow and Phil might
not see his shadow, but that would mean winter is finally over. You couldn’t tell
by examining my New Jersey driveway.

Millions of people unable to attend today's
ceremony can watch the best romantic comedy
ever made. From Staten Island to Saddle Brook, from Oshkosh to Savannah, folks will be treated
to the Groundhog Day film every 2.5 hours on
the AMC channel beginning at 10 AM, EST. The movie is brilliantly entertaining. I may watch
it more than once.

It has been a brutal winter for Punxsutawney Phil.
The weather has been wonderful, but little snow means
that Phil's been awake, and his handlers delight in
feeding Phil ice cream, a not-so natural rodent food.

Two hours from now at approximately 7:20 AM, a
groundhog will trek to Gobbler's Notch to make his
official weather forecast. Today's celebration will
mark the 128th consecutive year that Groundhog Day has been celebrated in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania.

Come sunshine, rain, or snow, the groundhog's keeper
has assured us that their little rodent will see some
sort of shadow due to his enormously fattened bulk,
even though it's cloudy and snowing lightly in
Punxsutawney as this message is being posted at about
3 AM.

The fix is in. They've been feeding him ice cream
during the "off season". Phil skipped his usual
hibernation this year due to the mildest winter in
memory.

This past year, American consumers have been presented
with the dairy industry argument that consuming dairy
products helps people to lose weight, which makes
absolutely no sense, but makes for great press by those whose job it is to deceive America into
consuming milk.

On average, groundhogs weigh a little over five pounds
when they emerge from hibernation in the spring. After
a summer of eating, September weights can soar to ten
pounds. The largest wild (free and un-caged) groundhog
weighed in at fourteen pounds!

The bigger news has nothing to do with the weather. It's
why Punxsutawney Phil has become the Holstein cow of
groundhogs. He's the pig of little furry hibernators. What
has Phil been munching on all winter while observing his
dairy-based weight loss program? Ice cream! The root of
our groundhog's obesity ain't roots. It's dairy!

Bill Deeley, the local funeral home director who emcees Punxsutawney's much-publicized Groundhog Day Festival and
sees to Phil's needs 365 days out of the year, had this to
say about Phil's diet: "He's naturally a vegetarian. But he loves ice cream and
strawberry sundaes."

Phil, the ground-cow, weighs in at 15 pounds and measures
22 inches in length.

Could an overweight Phil be due to the powerful growth factors
in milk and dairy products? Groundhogs should not be eating a
diet of bovine growth hormones and high calorie-containing
saturated animal fat. Neither should humans, for that matter.

So...eyewitnesses will see Phil spring from his burrow and
report that he did not see his own shadow. Winter is over for
everybody except the Seattle Seahawks who managed to
snatch defeat from the jaws of victory in the final play of
yesterday's Super Bowl game. Easy on the ice cream, or
you and Phil might look lousy in bathing suits next summer.

When Chekhov saw the long winter, he saw a winter bleak anddark and
bereft of hope. Yet we know that winter is just another step in the cycle of
life. But standing here among the people of Punxsutawney and basking in the
warmth of their hearths and hearts, I couldn't imagine a better fate than a
long and lustrous winter.
- Weatherman Phil Connors, Groundhog Day

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