Alice: Is that when we went to the country? To celebrate our third anniversary? Did you phone her, beg her to come back when you went for your long, lonely walks?

Daniel : Yes

Anna : You’re a piece of shit

Daniel : Deception is brutal. I’m not pretending otherwise

Anna :How? How does it work? How do you do this to someone?

Daniel : *Shrug

Anna : Not good enough.

Daniel : I fell in love with her, Alice.

Alice : Oh, as if you have no choice? There’s a moment. There’s always a moment. “I can do this, I can give in to this or I can resist it”. And I don’t know when your moment was, but I bet you there was one. I’m going

Daniel : It’s not safe out there

Anna : And it’s safe in here?

Daniel : What about your things?

Anna : I don’t need things

Daniel : Where would you go?

Anna : Disappear

I have always liked the movie Closer. Well, not always actually. I first watched it when I was a student. I was drawn to the trailer, because of the song (the soundtrack : The Blower's Daughter by Damien Rice). Then, no one wanted to watch it with me at the theater, so I waited until a network pick it up. It was shown on our campus channel.

I have to say, the first time I watched it, it didn't appeal to me that much. Other than the soundtrack, I found the movie was rather slow and the characters are too twisted that it's tiring watching them. Later though, when a lot of networks show it on their channel, I started to really watch it and started to really like it.

The movie is revolved around 4 major characters: Anna, Daniel, Alice & Larry. Daniel was with Alice when he met Anna and fell in love with her. Knowing that he has a girlfriend, Anna refused to have anything to do with Daniel. Daniel, upset with Anna's rejection, had played a prank on her by sending Larry. Anna ended up falling for Larry and they got married.

Before they got married however, Anna hosted her art gallery and met Daniel (who came with Alice) again. This time, although both were not single, were attracted to each other and started having an affair. The affair lasted even after Anna got married to Larry.

Finally, they decided to end their relationship with their partners and be together exclusively. Both Alice and Larry was hugely disappointed with this revelation and both left the relationship.

Well, the story didn't stop there. In fact, the ending was so good I keep on watching it over and over again when I was studying. When I got back to Malaysia, I keep on forgetting to download the movie. Several months ago I did, and I have been watching it ever since.

What makes it so good?

The plot is of course very interesting, a very deep look into relationships and personality. A lot of people find themselves relating to at least one of the characters.

I have always liked Alice but I relate to Anna the most. I always think Alice is the most normal ones but when I googled, I was surprised to find that a lot of people think Alice is the one that with a disturbed personality.

I've liked her because she seems secure enough and represent a strong woman. Whereas Anna, though I was relating more to her; is weak, insecure and is not able to feel happy unless she has some drama in her life. Normal life won't satisfy her.

When I have watched it again though, I agree, Alice looks normal on the surface, but she has some serious personality issues. She is actually insecure but she put a strong front. If you have watched this before, watch the early part of the movie again. Alice is walking at the start of the movie just as she walks at the end of the movie. She does that all the time. She flies when she's had enough and no one ever really know her. That's not a way to live a life.

But of course, none of the characters live a healthy lifestyle, emotionally. But they exist everyday in our life. The character might be a little exaggerated but I think a part of them exists a little bit in us without us realizing it.

You know a movie is good when you can't stop thinking about it. For the past few days, I keep on thinking, what makes the people react the way they did in this movie, even in real world. Why head there when you know it's not good for you. I am also asking this for myself. Why we do things that we do even when we know the good thing is only temporary?

In many ways, the work of a critic is easy. We risk very little yet enjoy

a position over those who offer up their work and their selves to our judgment.

We thrive on negative criticism, which is fun to write and to read. But the bitter

truth we critics must face, is that in the grand scheme of things, the average

piece of junk is probably more meaningful than our criticism designating it so.

But there are times when a critic truly risks something, and that is in the discovery

and defense of the new. The world is often unkind to new talent, new creations,

the new needs friends.

Last night, I experienced something new, an extraordinary meal from a singularly

unexpected source. To say that both the meal and its maker have challenged

my preconceptions about fine cooking is a gross understatement.

They have rocked me to my core.

In the past, I have made no secret of my disdain for Chef Gusteau's famous motto:

Anyone can cook. But I realize, only now do I truly understand what he meant.

Not everyone can become a great artist, but a great artist can come from anywhere.

-Anton Ego, Ratatouille(2007)

One of my favorite song, for no apparent reason. :)

The Feast (translation of Le Festin)

The dreams of lovers are like good wineThey give joy or even sorrowWeakened by hunger, I am unhappyStealing on my way everything I canBecause nothing in life is free.

Hope is a dish too soon finishedI am accustomed to skipping mealsA thief alone and hungry is sad enough to die (see note)As for us, I am bitter, I want to succeedBecause nothing in life is free.

Never will they tell me that I cannot shoot for the stars;Let me fill you with wonder, let me take flightWe will finally fea . . . st.

The party will finally startAnd bring out the bottles, the troubles are overI'm setting the table; tomorrow is a new lifeI am happy at the idea of this new destinyA life spent in hiding, and now I'm finally freeThe feast is on my pathA life spent in hiding, and now I'm finally freeThe feast is on my path. . . .

Monday, April 11, 2011

Quite recently I have watched this movie called Flipped. It's a cute love story of two eight graders, where the year was set in 1950s. It was based on a novel, though according to the review that the setting in the novel is more recent/ modern. Well, I guess it doesn't really matter. It's a good movie.

I wouldn't give you the spoiler but the general plot is that Juli Baker was in love with her next-door neighbor, Bryce Loski, ever since he first moved into their neighborhood when she was 5. Bryce however was annoyed with her not so subtle obsession and have been avoiding her his whole life.

Her love towards him grow as they enter their teenage life but then several incidents have happened that make them put each other in a different light. She doesnt think that he is as amazing as she always thought of him and he starting to see her as someone who's more than just his stalker neighbor. What happened at the end? Well, like I said earlier, I wouldn't give u the spoiler. U have to watch it.

Me: I don't know. I guess it's something about his eyes, or maybe his smile.

Father: What about him?

Me: What?

Father: You have to look at the whole landscape.

Me: What does that mean?

Father: The painting is more than the sum of its parts. The cow by itself is just a cow. The meadow by itself is just grass, flowers. And the sun peeking through the tree is just a beam of light. When you put them all together, then it can be..magic.

I didn't really understand what he was saying, until one afternoon while I was up on a sycamore tree. I was rescuing a kite. It was a long way up, higher than I've ever been. And the higher I got, the more amazed I was by the view. I began to notice how wonderful the breeze smell, like sunshine and wild grass. I couldn't stop breathing it in. Filling my lungs with the sweetest smell I've ever known.

Heartbreak is a nasty thing. That's why they have tons of website dedicated to help people gotten over it.Really, they should just hire my friends.I felt so lucky that during my first phase of heartbreak my friends dont cry with me. Rather we laugh about the whole thing.Although I was a bit confused with why we are laughing because most of the times, there's nothing funny about anything, but I laugh anyways.It's better than crying! Especially when you have to cry over someone who has been so careless with your heart.I mean, basically you gave them a very very very valuable thing but they just crushed it like that?Don't cry over them honey. They definitely are not worth it.Save your tears for something more important, like when you missed that new episode of Glee.That's more like it!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

I always like to, since I was little, ask myself if I am okay. Well, not out loud of course. From time to time, I check, just to make sure whatever I am going through it didn't affect me that bad.

The question is always as simple as "So, are you okay?

It is the same as what people ask me when I am going through something. But with myself, I've got to be more honest.

For the past 28 years, the answer has always always been either "Yeah, I am" or "Yeah, I will be". Because whatever I told people (I might want to fish for sympathies), I know for sure I can always bounce back.

For the first time ever, after the incident three weeks ago, when I asked myself that same ageless question, I wasn't sure of the answer. Well, I know for a fact that I am not okay. I am suffering. But the more terrifying thing is I don't even know if I can be okay, ever.

I kept on telling people that I know it's the best decision I've made and life will turn out to be better for me. But honestly, I'm having a hard time believing it myself.

Why? Because every single thing on earth reminds me of him.

That sucks big time.

Even when a good thing happen to me, all I can think of how good it is if I can share it with him.

So, frankly I cannot see how I can go on like this.

Two days ago, I was in the shower, when I asked myself that question. It was so easy to fall back to that empty feeling, feeling sorry for myself, when I suddenly realizes something.

I am taking a bath in a hotel in London! I went to Bicester Village in the morning and strolled along the Hyde Park and the Kensington Park in the afternoon.

How can I not be okay?

I feel awesome! I feel great! And I am looking forward for tomorrow and all the days after that. I am okay people. I just need a little bit of fresh air to tell me that.

My friends, the wonderful wonderful people, are right after all. I guess they sometimes know me more than I know myself.

And right now I am sipping hot chocolate in Pret A Manger at High Street Kensington underground station. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

Kensington Park

P/S When I talk to myself (in my head) in London, I found myself speaking in British accent. It's like when I was 13, when I dreamt of my sweetheart, B-Rock of Backstreet Boys, he was speaking in Malay. My head is funny sometimes.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Okay, Coconut man, Moon Heads and PeaYou readySeems like everybody's got a price,I wonder how they sleep at night.When the sale comes first,And the truth comes second,Just stop, for a minute andSmileWhy is everybody so seriousActing so damn mysteriousGot your shades on your eyesAnd your heels so highThat you can't even have a good timeEverybody look to their left (yeah)Everybody look to their right (ha)Can you feel that (yeah)We're paying with love tonightIt's not about the money, money, moneyWe don't need your money, money, moneyWe just wanna make the world dance,Forget about the Price TagAin't about the (uh) Cha-Ching Cha-Ching.Aint about the (yeah) Ba-Bling Ba-BlingWanna make the world dance,Forget about the Price Tag.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

"I've had to say goodbye more times than I've liked, but everyone can say that.

And no matter how many times we do it, even when it's for the greater good, it still stings.

And though we'll never forget what we've given up, we owe it to ourselves to keep moving forward.

What we can't do is live our lives always afraid of the next goodbye, because chances are they're not going to stop.

The trick is to recognize when a goodbye can be a good thing; when it's a chance to start again."

-Ugly Betty

I've said more than my share of Good Byes, ever since I was little. All to those I love the most in my whole life. Two deaths and one is the effect/ complication of one of the deaths. To conclude, all these good byes were forced upon me and were so sudden that I wasn't prepared to any of it.

I always think that if God give me some signs before these losses, maybe it wouldn't be as hard as it had been. Maybe I wouldn't hurt as much. Ever since then, I have prayed constantly to God to not take away the person I love, to not let the ones who I love say Good Bye to me. I prayed that if it has to be a separation, make me the one leaves, who say the good bye, who died.

My prayers are definitely answered. About 2 weeks ago, I have decided to say Good Bye to a person who I have never imagined that I can love that much.

It's a different kind of Good Bye. For one, I have been thinking about it for many months. Secondly, it was me who said it, who walked away. It should be easy right? After all, that is what I had requested.

Then again, God proves it again. He knows best.

Saying good bye and walking away from the person that you have loved and still love the most your whole life has to be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. To make it even worst, I have to cut all contact and ignore all pleas. I have to harden my heart and a piece of me died that day.

But I guess, that is it about life. Sometimes, the sun shines the brightest after the wildest storm. It is just something that has to happen and I have to believe that it is for the greater good. I was thinking last night that it would be wonderful if I can erase this memories so that it wouldn't be too painful. But then again, I will not be who I am today without this experience.

Like Betty said, the trick is to recognize when good bye can be a good thing; when it's a chance to start again. I think I recognized this accurately.

Marlin: I promised I'd never let anything happen to him.Dory: Hmm. That's a funny thing to promise.Marlin: What?Dory: Well, you can't never let anything happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him.

- Finding Nemo, 2003

Everything happens for a reason. I believe that. It doesn't matter how bad it is, there is always a silver lining afterwards. It might not be something tangible, but at the very least you learn something from the whole experience. So, do I wish that bad things don't happen to me? Well, when you get caught up in a situation so complicated, yes I did do wish that.

Yet again, it wouldn't be a life if everything is peachy and shiny. Life without its challenges would be extremely dull. Besides, what that doesn't kill you will only make you stronger right? That's my plan right now. To be a stronger person.

From these experiences, I have learnt a lot of lesson. I might write them down in separate entries. But for this entry, I want to write down one of the most important lesson and hopefully will help me to get back on my feet soon enough. I have learnt that it doesn't matter who you were with, you have to be your own person. Never ever lose the person inside of you.

To be honest, I am not really sure who I am anymore. Am I really the person who I used to be? Or I am this new person? A lot of people said I have changed. Granted, I realize there are negative changes. Still, I wouldn't push away the fact that there is a possibility of some positive changes.

Obviously, as human we keep on changing. That's what make us human interesting. We learnt and we developed. To totally understand myself 100%, it would be rather impossible. But, at least if I get to know myself 80% I would be satisfied enough.

So, I am going to take some time and just be on my own for now. Relationship is definitely great but I don't think I am being fair to anyone by jumping to another relationship too fast. I am glad I am doing this. Hello me!

Saturday, March 26, 2011

I don't know what to write anymore. It's been a while since I write and I haven't read anything for quite a while as well. I just realized that I have not done anything interesting for quite some times. Something that is worth writing.

Life journey, well, it is something. A story to tell. But not at the moment. And not when someone knows me. Maybe I'll write somewhere people don't know that it's me. For some reason, I still don't feel comfortable to share personal stories online, except when I am writing anonymously.

Nevertheless, my life has been, ermm, rather interesting in a way that I have learnt quite a thing or two about life. But not that interesting or academia where I can share it on my blog. One day I'll do it (urrghh so much promises for one day).

As I said, this is a new beginning. I am opening a new chapter in my life and I want it to be filled with stories of loves, friendships, families, hobbies, photos and anything that put colors in my life.

I know I screwed up a lot for these couple of years. I don't regret the experience but I do regret some decisions I have made in life. That doesn't mean I want to be stuck regretting. Everyone make mistakes. What matters is what are you going to do to fix it? Or to move from there? And what you learnt from it?

In this past 2 years, I have the privilege of meeting a very kind lady, who treats me like her own daughter. She's a very good listener and I had confided a lot of things with her. One time I asked her, why is it that God put me through all these troubles? I just can't seem to understand? Am I being punished?

She looked at me kindly and said that God loves me, that's why. God only test those He loves. She had explained further which at the moment I can't seem to recall. But she manages to make me feel from disappointed to love for God.

I think that is what I am missing. This concept of love and I plan to explore more. I'll be writing everyday (I'll try!). It's part of my healing process. :)

Friday, March 25, 2011

"She slipped her hand into his, trying to memorize the temperature of his skin, the smell and the very sense of him lying beside her in the night. These were the things she would let herself keep. She rubbed her thumb over the soft lines of his palm, stroking into his grasp an apology for what she had yet to do, and the gentle broken edges of a goodbye."

Jodi Picoult, Picture Perfect

Once upon a time, I wrote an entry, well not a whole entry but I did wrote a sentence how time cannot heal anything unless you allow them to. I still believe it. You have to want to heal for it to actually heal overtime.

Some people just get stuck for years trying to get better but are not able to. I think deep down because they don't want to let go. Because some wounds sometimes even though is painful was a reminder of the good things that happened before they got hurt.

I am not sure of many things in life but one thing for sure, I want my life to be better. I want to let go and at the same time to remember the good things that has become memories of once a happy time.

Is it possible? I don't know. I am still trying.

But at the moment, please let me just hold on to that one last moment.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are.

It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end.

Because how could the end be happy?

How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened?

But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer.

Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something. Even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now.

Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.

Frodo: What are we holding on to, Sam?

That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it's worth fighting for.

~Frodo Baggins & Samwise Gamgee, LOTR

Some people know what's going on in my life right now. For those who don't, it is okay. It's not that I don't want to tell you, but grief sometimes is not that easy to share especially when you are trying to put them behind you.

Through it all, I feel like I am blessed. Blessed with the love and blessed with the bundle of chances given to me to make things right. I am grateful for the people that Allah had given me, who have been helping me through these difficult times. Thank you so much for your love, I pray that Allah would repay all your kindness.

It has not been easy but I will keep on fighting for the right thing, for the genuine happiness that we all deserved. It is a new beginning, Alhamdulillah.

I love fairy tales. My favorite has always been beauty and the beast. I don't really know why. I guess one of the reasons could be that I think Belle makes one of the most beautiful Disney's princess & the beast, when he's a prince, is one of the most handsome prince ever! Especially back in those days, I always have a thing for guy with long hair.

Secondly maybe, among all other Disney princesses, I mostly can relate with Belle. Or maybe I am less related to other Disney princesses.

I mean I don't see myself talking to animals so much and I'm not that crazy about pets either. Don't get me wrong, I love animals, I'm just not the sweet girly girl type who talks to animal all the time (of course I understand they don't talk back). So, Cinderella & Snow White is out of the picture. Another reason I don't like Snow White is because she's too innocent (or stupid?). As for Ariel, I don't really like deep sea water and whatever inside it. Mulan & Pocahontas both are fighters for their clans/ tribes/ countries, and I don't really see myself as those either.

But Belle. Belle likes to read. Like me. Belle is weird and feels that she doesn't belong. Like me. Belle couldn't care less what other people think of her. A little bit like me. Belle is brave. Not so much like me, but given the situation, I might volunteer myself for the scary beast to save my father. Belle sees past the physical appearance. I would like to think that I am like that.

Then again, I might have just described pretty much 50% of the female population. But yes, I do love Beauty and the Beast. I love the soundtracks, I love the story, I love the characters. I have been watching those since I was 9 until today. I own the special edition DVD. I own the christmas edition DVD. All are original DVDs. For those who know me, it is very very very rare that I buy original DVD.

Ever since then, I have never find any other fairy tales that I like like this. In fact, Disney doesn't really make this kind of movies anymore. All the cartoons nowadays are mostly funny, high tech, too deep or too realistic to be something that can make me be smitten. They are good but they are not fairy tales.

Then, they make something that almost like a fairy tale, Enchanted. Enchanted has good songs. But, it still is not enough a fairy tale. I mean, you can't mock a singing prince. It will make the fairy tale lose its essence. After that, they came up with princess & the frog. I don't know why but I can never finish that movie. It doesn't have the oompph.

A few months ago, on my birthday, I got a coupon for a free movie ticket. I chose to watch Rapunzel. Don't know much about the movie. One of my friends recommended it to me before but I didn't really pay attention to it.

Boy, did I glad I chose that movie. It's funny alright. Also, the story is original, so it's very refreshing. The most important part of all, it is a damned fairy tale! The songs, the soundtracks, the princess and the magic. I laughed, I cried, I laughed while I cried & I was glued to the screen with the rest of the audiences.

I went out lighthearted. It is that good. Disney should stick to making fairy tale. Let Pixar & Dreamworks do the other stuffs.

But would I say it is better than Beauty and the Beast? That is a tough comparison. It's like comparing the luscious red apple to the fresh green apple. Both are apples and both are good but they are still different.

Personally though I like Belle. Rapunzel is really beautiful but she looks young and her character is too child like. Belle is more elegant in her nature and she understands life a little bit more. But to be able to compare this two movies side by side is an achievement enough for Disney.

We've heard and read of Rapunzel's story before. But it is nothing like the way Disney tells it. Go watch, it's totally worth it.

Friday, January 21, 2011

1) Homemade Food - I can't really cook and I can't commit to cooking, even I haven't had a homecooked meals for days. Let alone to cook for some else.

2) Someone else made food - but what? Someone wants me to sell something? better something that has a high profit margin, I won't settle for anything less than RM100 profit per item. Haha.

3) Books - I don't know who to sell them to. and where to get cheap books.

4) Pearls - Ella volunteered to check it out in Labuan. But then again, who should I sell it to? And I don't think it's a good business.

5) Clothes - I'm not fashionista like Noreen. So, I probably won't know what's good. Besides, I would need a model to model the clothes. And money to buy it. And a place to buy it cheap. Damn!

6) ??????

I envy the people that has a business, like my bestie Yani. She has an online store selling baby clothes and she's doing it so well!! She even appeared in TV and in newspapers. I guess I just don't have a business bone in me. :(

Oh well, if you guys have aaaany ideas at all what to sell, pleasee let me know. I want to sell something! Anything!

About Me

My brother told me to take a personality survey when I asked him. I don't really know actually. I have been digging in for many-many years hoping that I like the person that I would found. So, I guess I am someone who is searching for herself and while doing that, I met many beautiful souls that I call friends, whether they like it or not. :)