To Box In: to keep in/confine. A daily struggle in the life of a birthgrandmother in an endearing open adoption and the loving lessons God is teaching her by "being still" and embracing the box He has placed her in.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

I was 24 years old when I married Mike. I had been living on my own since I was 18, I loved to travel and go to concerts, kind of a free bird. In the first few months after we were married, I began to have strange dreams. In one, I was running on what seemed like a concrete slab, very frightened. I came to an abrupt stop as the concrete gave way and I was looking down into an endless pit with nowhere to go. In another, I was standing in a room with no doors or windows. These kind of dreams continued for months always with the same theme....scared & stuck with no way out. It was pretty obvious that my dreams where subconsciously telling my feelings. How did I deal with them? With Gods help, I learned to embrace my marriage. Learned to give more than take. Learned to let go of me and let Him.

Four years ago when God and I were sitting on our backyard swing talking about the upcoming adoption of my granddaughter, He assured me that everything was going to be OK. This was His plan and He would take care her. At that time, I gave up the fight & surrendered to Him, but not without hanging on to my own ideas of what OK would look like. Since there was not much information on open adoption and the agency we were working with was having internal changes, our families were left to figure out how to blend together on our own. The one book I did find spanned the range of horror stories to pictures only to holiday/birthday contact to friends who actually babysat for their adopted grandchildren. Of course, I was convinced that God had planned for us to be the "ideal" adoption, where we would travel the world speaking together, saving unborn lives. At this time, unbeknown to me, I was teetering on depression. Interesting, how our brains are so intricately created that one little wire off and our thinking can become distorted. (that's another blog post)

Anyways, I was lovingly reminded of the truth. When Emily gave up rights to be a mother, she also gave up any rights for us to be grandparents. Through lots and lots of prayer warrior friends and correct medication, I understood that I had once again been placed in a box with no windows or doors, and that this time I had to surrender ALL my plans and embrace the miracle of being allowed visits and hugs and peaks into her life. Who knows? Maybe one day we will all stand up together & tell our God ordained story. His timing, not mine.

About Me

I have always been an "outside of the box" thinker, embracing ideas such as organics, homesteading, and being a stay at home mom (when it wasn't the norm)very family oriented. So when in November of 2007, my 17yr old daughter, then a Senior in HS, placed her daughter in the arms of her adoptive parents, many of our family and friend thought we were crazy to allow the adoption. It was the saddest day of our lives. She wasn't ready to be a mom and didn't think it would be fair to her child or to us to expect us to parent her. She knew from the begining of her pregnancy that adoption was the best choice. I believe God gave her this thought as a gift so she would be prepared mentally to give up her child. That was the begining of our journey, with the Lord guiding us through friends to the adoptive parents. We have an open adoption with periodic visits, pictures and updates. It hasn't been an easy journey. While my daughter is now attending college away from home and doing well, we are left at home in an empty box. I was not prepared for the flood of feelings I have been battling. With Gods help and promises, day by day, I am learning to embrace this box He has chosen for me.