Letters I'll Never Send

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Emotionally, mentally, I feel so upset and stressed.
I can’t figure out why, I know what’s going on and I know that my brain understand it, but I can’t physically process what’s happening.
All I feel is pain.
You mean so much to me and you always have.
Why have I never meant anything to you?
You’re the only person ever that has ever made me weak in the knees, unable to speak with my usual confidence.
I have worked so freaking hard to be important to you over these years.
I can’t stand the fact that all of my work has done nothing!
You do not give two shits about me!
And that kills me and I can’t even process that!
The fact that you’ve gone and done things with everyone I know without even thinking of me once?
Not contacting me?
Not even thinking to invite me?
Seeing all of the social media photos flooding in day by day escalating into what it is now, has hurt me more then you can imagine.

But you don’t care!
You don’t care about my pain.
You don’t care about the power that you have over me.
You know I’m hurt, I told you so.
You turned on the defense and acted like we don’t even know each other.
When all you’ve ever said to me is how you’re there for me, whenever I need you, how you care about me, well how can this happen?
If you cared, you’d be kind. You wouldn’t treat me like an outsider and completely treat me like I mean nothing.

This has hurt me to such an extreme level, I’ve allowed you to walk all over me, but I can’t do it anymore.
You have to know that I am a strong person. I’m not the weak person that you think I am.
I see things.
I’m not stupid.

Your response was to make me feel like I was wrong, that I misunderstood, but the evidence is literally right there.

All I’ve ever wanted is to be important to you
To be the one you text every now and then
To care about how I feel
To talk to me like I matter

I know I can’t be your lover
We are never going to date
We’ll never kiss
We will never hold hands
I’ll never be the one you look at with a light in your eyes
We will never live in the same house
We won’t ever sleep in the same bed
You won’t ever love me as a lover

But that’s the way it has to be, and I know that.
But I’ve got this thing for impossible things.
I’ve always loved you
Loved you

I understand now what it truly is, an obsessive compulsive limerence, but whatever, I don’t care

If you would’ve acted like you cared about me, I could’ve been on top of the world

Because that’s all I ever wanted

But you instead obviously ignored my existence and slammed me onto the concrete

My head has been throbbing with the pain of knowing that you think so little of me, and knowing that I had to say something to you for fear of always being walked on like this like I always have been, has given me double the stress

Whatever. I’ll always care about you and what you think of me.

Maybe I messed up. But you still could’ve cared to be kind.

I am not some random weak person that you get to mess around with for fun.

I am flesh and blood, I’m not a ghost, I’m here amongst the living.

In case you didn’t notice, I care about belonging.

You could’ve tried, and damn, you’ve never tried.

I might’ve cried to you and you might’ve listened but you never followed up

Each time I ever cared to talk to you

I’m having such a hard time. And I could’ve used you to be there for me.

I’m praying that you try to apologize, make me feel any better.

I need you. Always have always will.
As I’ve said before, you can scar my whole body, and I’ll still stand waiting for you.