NORTH PARK – San Diego U.S. Attorney Carol Lam joked yesterday about the travails of juggling family and a high-powered career, confiding the reaction of her four children when she told them she may “stay home and take care of you for a while” after she leaves her post this week.

“It was clear from their faces this was their version of hell,” Lam said, getting a big laugh from an audience of mothers and their teenage daughters at a leadership forum at The Academy of Our Lady of Peace in North Park.

Carol Lam

Lam, 47, is reluctantly leaving her job of 4½ years after being forced out by the Justice Department, which asked for her resignation because of what one official described as “performance-related” issues. The official said members of Congress complained that Lam didn't prosecute enough immigration cases.

But Lam, best known for going after corrupt politicians such as former Rep. Randy “Duke” Cunningham, R-Rancho Santa Fe, has become a national hero of sorts to critics of the Bush administration. They say her dismissal and those of six other top federal prosecutors in recent weeks are politically motivated.

The normally guarded Lam, known for a tough exterior in public, gave a rare glimpse of her personality and sense of humor at the leadership forum, where a key topic was managing demanding careers and motherhood.

Lam said her husband has been the primary caregiver for their four children and that the arrangement has worked well for their family. Still, she shared funny stories of her maternal missteps.

Like how her house is a mess. How her children have left home many times in mismatched clothes. And the time she brought out the birthday cake with the wrong number of candles.

“I had misjudged the age of my child!” Lam said. “It was clear to us my husband would be the better caretaker and not harm the children.”

More laughs.

Her husband, Mark Burnett, is a geophysicist.

When she told the crowd the ages of her children – 17, 15, 11 and 9 – she paused to reconsider if those ages were correct. More laughs. She said she makes sure to appear in videos of family events to prove she was there.

Lam, a political independent, recalled for the audience some of the milestones in her career, such as becoming one of few women in a position of leadership in law enforcement and walking into rooms filled with male FBI and Internal Revenue Service agents.

She imagined that they wondered how she would “make a fool” of herself. “I thought this was kind of cool,” she said. “I thought, 'I'll be fine.' And I really was.”

Lam told the crowd she also was ambivalent over being labeled the first Asian-American and the first woman to become U.S. attorney in San Diego.

On one hand, she was proud to be a trailblazer. But she said she had lived a childhood of privilege and opportunity, and didn't feel she should benefit from affirmative action.

“I'm a Chinese-American woman, and when I first became U.S. attorney, there was a lot of talk about me being the first Asian-American and first female. A lot of reporters asked, 'Do you see yourself as a role model?'

“I was very conflicted. It probably helped me get the job in the first place,” she said. But because Lam did not lack for opportunities the way some minorities do, she wondered, “Why should I benefit from affirmative action?”

Lam said she discussed the matter with a trusted colleague who had expertise in civil rights. He said there is another reason for affirmative action that does apply to her: to demonstrate that there is no glass ceiling for minorities.

That thought resonated with Lam.

She said that as she prepares to leave office Thursday, she has been gratified by comments from younger male attorneys who thanked her for being a role model. “That was a nice benchmark for me. We've sort of transcended the demarcations.”

Lam said she is hard on herself and others.

“I set very high standards for myself and I constantly disappoint myself, and that's a tough way to live my life,” she said. “And, I set high standards for people around me and I'm often disappointed. But I'm also forgiving. If you set low standards, you'll get there.”

Her advice to high school girls as they pursue their careers? Define success as being happy and comfortable with yourself. Set high goals and “forgive yourself if you don't make it.”

There will be missteps, dead ends, things that don't go as planned, Lam said, adding, “Just deal with it and move on.”