The Secret Life of Teens

Let's face it--as a parent, you get to see only one side of your teenager. When she's at her weekend job or he's in school or away at camp, your kid can morph into a totally different person. To give you a sense of who, exactly, that person is, we rounded up the adults who deal with adolescents all day long--teachers, bosses, guidance counselors, doctors, and more--and dug for insights that can help you and your teen survive these turbulent years. Here, our unconventional experts share some illuminating advice.

Give them space
"I have college students who talk to their parents three or more times a day. I don't know if it's the parents or the students who can't let go, but kids need their independence. I once asked a student if he'd bought all his textbooks yet. He had no idea--his parents had taken care of it all for him." --Brittany Garner, first year advisor, Miami University of Ohio

Break challenges into kid-friendly pieces
"I'm in a lot of situations where I help teens overcome fear. If we're going to ski down an expert hill, I try to prevent them from seeing the black diamond sign--otherwise, they'd freak out. Instead, I make them focus on one small task at a time, and suddenly, they're at the bottom of the hill." --Chris Anthony, professional skier and ski instructor, Vail, CO

Beware of the blues
"Nearly half of college students have, at some point during the school year, felt so depressed that they couldn't function, according to research from the American College Health Association. And nearly 1 in 10 has seriously considered suicide. Depression and anxiety can turn into lifelong problems, but early diagnosis and treatment can make a huge difference. Check in regularly and watch for loss of motivation, missed classes, significant weight gain or loss, or a marked change in behavior." --Emilio Carranco, MD, director, Student Health Center, Texas State University-San Marcos

Make them unplug
"Teens are missing some major social cues because they are too engrossed in their iPods, cell phones, or video games. I see it all the time in the halls when they can't voice a hello or make eye contact. I recommend kids tune in no more than an hour on a weekday and 2 hours on weekend days." --Katie Baldo, guidance counselor, Cooperstown Middle School, Cooperstown, NY

Get your math whiz to read a book
"Don't push your child to pursue only marketable college majors. Exploration incites creativity--a skill that may not scream 'business' but creates the kind of employee who gets promoted faster. Encourage your child to take at least one class per semester that is a pure elective, especially during the first 2 years when there's still enough time to change a major." --Patti Wolter, assistant professor, Northwestern University

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Don't dread "the talk""You are the most influential person in your teen's life when it comes to deciding when to have sex. Adolescent patients often tell me, 'I wish my parents would talk to me' or 'I made that decision because of my family's values.' Start early: Some anecdotal evidence suggests teens may have anal and oral sex as early as seventh grade, and CDC data shows that about half of high schoolers have had intercourse." --Anna Kaminski, MD, associate medical director, Planned Parenthood of Western Washington, Seattle

Critique in private
"I've seen other coaches yell at a player in front of his teammates during practice or, even worse, in front of his family and friends during a game, and I know it doesn't work. The child often gets defensive and tunes out the coach. He also can lose confidence in his ability and hesitate to take chances." --Jay Baldo, assistant varsity football coach, Coopers­town High School, Cooperstown, NY

Help them find their passion
"Research shows that teens who have a sense of purpose are more likely to be well-adjusted. Figure out what appeals to your child: Is she passionate about the environment, politics, or humanitarian work? Teen leadership programs and discussion groups, faith-based youth groups, and comparative religion classes all provide a venue to get your kid connected." --Barbara Taylor, vice president for programs and membership, YMCA of Metropolitan Chicago

Make them work for it
"When a parent calls to ask about openings or fills out a job application for their child, 9 times out of 10, the teen will end up quitting. Instead, suggest your kid find a job that fits her interests--if she loves to shop at a certain store, have her apply there." --Carol Sciotto, former manager, the Children's Place, Westbury, NY

Remember: Your kids love you"My wife, Lisa, and I see hundreds of kids living away from home each summer, and they truly miss you. Unbelievable as this may sound, at our wilderness adventure camp, high in the mountains with no cell phone coverage or e-mail access, they've even been known to handwrite and mail a letter home!" --Scott Shaffer, owner, Shaffer's High Sierra Camp, Tahoe National Forest, California

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