We assume that you've come to [[Uncyclopedia]] having just been on the receiving end of an extensive ear battering from some crazy conspiracy theorist who has been trying to convince you about their own preposterous theories regarding exactly how the world will end on Dec. 21, 2012.

We assume that you've come to [[Uncyclopedia]] having just been on the receiving end of an extensive ear battering from some crazy conspiracy theorist who has been trying to convince you about their own preposterous theories regarding exactly how the world will end on Dec. 21, 2012.

−

Well firstly let us put your mind at rest. There is virtually no serious evidence whatsoever to suggest this to be the case other than a few minor predictions made by [[Nostradamus]], Cibyl, [[The Bible]], [[NASA]], the [[Mayan Calendar]], [[Rock, paper, scissors]], [[Merlin]], [[Harry Houdini|Houdini]], [[Joan of Arc]], [[Timothy Leary]], [[William Westmoreland]], [[Ann Landers]], Roland Emmerich, and not to forget the [[Native Americans|Hopi people]], who might have predicted their own rise and fall, although it is unlikely they will admit it.

+

Well firstly let us put your mind at rest. There is virtually no serious evidence whatsoever to suggest this to be the case other than a few minor predictions made by [[Nostradamus]], Cibyl, [[The Bible]], [[NASA]], the [[Mayan Calendar]], [[Rock, paper, scissors]], [[Merlin]], [[Harry Houdini|Houdini]], [[Joan of Arc]], [[Timothy Leary]], [[William Westmoreland]], [[Ann Landers]], [[Joan Rivers]], Roland Emmerich, and not to forget the [[Native Americans|Hopi people]], who might have predicted their own rise and fall, although it is unlikely they will admit it.

Based on these rather dubious sources it is reasonable to assume that everything is going to remain exactly as it currently is. So don't go listening to those moronic conspiracy theorists. If there is one thing we can't stand it's raving conspiracy theorists.

Based on these rather dubious sources it is reasonable to assume that everything is going to remain exactly as it currently is. So don't go listening to those moronic conspiracy theorists. If there is one thing we can't stand it's raving conspiracy theorists.

Line 16:

Line 16:

*The [[Sun]] firing a huge solar blast which strikes the Earth and fries every living being to a crisp;

*The [[Sun]] firing a huge solar blast which strikes the Earth and fries every living being to a crisp;

*The Y2K bug shags the HIV bug to produce the plague;

*The Y2K bug shags the HIV bug to produce the plague;

−

*[[Climate change]] causing the climate to change by either freezing, cooking or more likely boring the the human race to death by not actually changing very much at all;

+

*[[Climate change]] causing the climate to change by either freezing, cooking or more likely boring the human race to death by not actually changing very much at all;

*The human factor might be Ivan in [[Russia]] pushing the wrong goddamn button. Dumb Billy-Bob in [[USA]] pushing the wrong goddamn button. Nigel in [[UK]] pushing the wrong goddamn button. One Hung Lo in [[China]] pushing the wrong goddamn button. [[North Korea]] wishing they had a wrong-goddamn button to push. Or [[Iran]] wishing they knew what a button looked like;

*The human factor might be Ivan in [[Russia]] pushing the wrong goddamn button. Dumb Billy-Bob in [[USA]] pushing the wrong goddamn button. Nigel in [[UK]] pushing the wrong goddamn button. One Hung Lo in [[China]] pushing the wrong goddamn button. [[North Korea]] wishing they had a wrong-goddamn button to push. Or [[Iran]] wishing they knew what a button looked like;

*Angry at being demoted to a Dwarf Planet, [[Pluto]] gets its revenge;

*Angry at being demoted to a Dwarf Planet, [[Pluto]] gets its revenge;

Line 26:

Line 26:

Apart from an obvious reason such as spontaneous combustion, some other possible reasons for the apocalypse are listed as follows:

Apart from an obvious reason such as spontaneous combustion, some other possible reasons for the apocalypse are listed as follows:

*America voted for ''"change"'';

*America voted for ''"change"'';

−

*The Sun rises in the center of the Milky Way Galaxy just like the last time 26,000 years ago, give or take a few millennia;

+

*The Sun rises in the center of the Milky Way Galaxy just like the last time 260,000 years ago, give or take a few millennia;

*[[Jack Bauer]] may have cursed the screen writers of ''24'' to die on Dec 21, 2012;

*[[Jack Bauer]] may have cursed the screen writers of ''24'' to die on Dec 21, 2012;

−

*Dr. Kevorkian might be released from prison on that date;

*The Mayans end their calendar on that day;

*The Mayans end their calendar on that day;

*[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/HAARP HAARP] backfires;

*[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/HAARP HAARP] backfires;

Line 67:

Line 66:

Other clear indications that the apocalypse is about to strike might be:

Other clear indications that the apocalypse is about to strike might be:

−

*Taps is the only song on the new [[Metallica]] album of the same name (which is free);

+

*Taps is the only song on the new Metallica album of the same name (which is free);

*Birds are all flying straight up;

*Birds are all flying straight up;

*People's reflection in the mirror looks like an x-ray;

*People's reflection in the mirror looks like an x-ray;

*The White House is deserted;

*The White House is deserted;

*The Pentagon is AWOL;

*The Pentagon is AWOL;

+

*Old Faithful quits;

*You hear a booming voice in the sky say, ''"There's my ball!"'';

*You hear a booming voice in the sky say, ''"There's my ball!"'';

*A 22-mile-high tsunami casts a shadow over your country;

*A 22-mile-high tsunami casts a shadow over your country;

Line 85:

Line 85:

===History Channel===

===History Channel===

−

Over recent years the television network the [[History Channel]] has played a major role in scaring the hell out of everyone with their dreadful ideas regarding 2012<ref>{{cite web|url=http://www.history.com/minisites/armageddon|title=Armageddon series|date=2008|publisher=The History Channel|accessdate=2009-05-01}}</ref>. In its coverage, it relates to the present day a number of doomsday prophecies derived from non-Mayan sources,<ref>Documentary program. ''2012: End of Days''. The History Channel (2007).</ref> referencing (among others) predictions ascribed to the [[Native Americans|Hopi people]], the [[Book of Revelation]] by John of Patmos, the Cumaean Sybil, the quatrains of [[Nostradamus]] (which specifically mention the end of the world<ref>See Lemesurier, P., ''The Nostradamus Encyclopedia'', Thorsons/St Martin's Press, 1997, p.152; ''The Unknown Nostradamus'', O Books, 2003, p.95</ref>) and a version of the anonymous 14th-century ''Vaticinia de Summis Pontificibus'' that the History Channel has dubbed ''The Lost Verse of The Lost Chapter of The Lost Book of Lost-radamus'',<ref>Gruber, Dr. E. R., advice to the History Channel's producers delivered at their request, July 2007, republished in the Nostradamus Research Group October 2007, on the basis of a copy in his possession</ref> as well as the prophecies of the semi-legendary [[Merlin]], Mama Shipton, and [[Charles Manson]]<ref>See the History Channel's ''Doomsday 2012. The End Of Days''</ref>.

+

Over recent years the television network the [[History Channel]] has played a major role in scaring the hell out of everyone with their dreadful ideas regarding 2012<ref>{{cite web|url=http://www.history.com/minisites/armageddon|title=Armageddon series|date=2008|publisher=The History Channel|accessdate=2009-05-01}}</ref>. In its coverage, it relates to the present day a number of doomsday prophecies derived from non-Mayan sources,<ref>Documentary program. ''2012: End of Days''. The History Channel (2007).</ref> referencing (among others) predictions ascribed to the [[Native Americans|Hopi people]], the Book of Revelation by John of Patmos, the Cumaean Sybil, the quatrains of [[Nostradamus]] (which specifically mention the end of the world<ref>See Lemesurier, P., ''The Nostradamus Encyclopedia'', Thorsons/St Martin's Press, 1997, p.152; ''The Unknown Nostradamus'', O Books, 2003, p.95</ref>) and a version of the anonymous 14th-century ''Vaticinia de Summis Pontificibus'' that the History Channel has dubbed ''The Lost Verse of The Lost Chapter of The Lost Book of Lost-radamus'',<ref>Gruber, Dr. E. R., advice to the History Channel's producers delivered at their request, July 2007, republished in the Nostradamus Research Group October 2007, on the basis of a copy in his possession</ref> as well as the prophecies of the semi-legendary [[Merlin]], Mama Shipton, and [[Charles Manson]]<ref>See the History Channel's ''Doomsday 2012. The End Of Days''</ref>.

==Top Survival Methods==

==Top Survival Methods==

Line 104:

Line 104:

*Study the Bardo Thodal, the Tibetan Book of the Dead, the Egyptian Book of the Dead, or the Christian Book of the Dead;

*Study the Bardo Thodal, the Tibetan Book of the Dead, the Egyptian Book of the Dead, or the Christian Book of the Dead;

*Watch all of that stuff you downloaded but never got around to watching;

*Watch all of that stuff you downloaded but never got around to watching;

−

*Makefriendswithdeathandtrytotalkhimoutofit;

+

*Drawacirclearoundyourplaceusingachalk,thenrunaround''inside'' that circle like a retard with a handgun;

−

*Do something that will make survival possible - like building an asbestos bunker.

+

*Do something that will make survival possible - like building a floating asbestos bunker;

==Conclusion==

==Conclusion==

Line 115:

Line 115:

* [[Mayan Calendar]]

* [[Mayan Calendar]]

* [[The Big Crunch]]

* [[The Big Crunch]]

+

* [[End of the internet 2012]]

==References==

==References==

Line 123:

Line 124:

*[http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8545585184878490822# Some guy going on about it]

*[http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8545585184878490822# Some guy going on about it]

−

[[it:21 dicembre 2012]]

+

[[Category:Religion]]

[[Category:Religion]]

[[Category:Terror]]

[[Category:Terror]]

−

[[Category:Things Retards Believe]]

[[Category:Things that may be out to get you]]

[[Category:Things that may be out to get you]]

[[Category:Conspiracies]]

[[Category:Conspiracies]]

Line 138:

Line 138:

−

{{VFH|nompage=December21,2012 (3rd go)}}

+

{{FA|date=31May2011|revision=5137759}}

+

[[Category:Things that haven't happened yet]]

+

+

[[es:Fenómeno de 2012]]

+

[[it:21 dicembre 2012]]

+

[[pt:2012 (ano)]]

Latest revision as of 08:06, February 20, 2013

We assume that you've come to Uncyclopedia having just been on the receiving end of an extensive ear battering from some crazy conspiracy theorist who has been trying to convince you about their own preposterous theories regarding exactly how the world will end on Dec. 21, 2012.

Based on these rather dubious sources it is reasonable to assume that everything is going to remain exactly as it currently is. So don't go listening to those moronic conspiracy theorists. If there is one thing we can't stand it's raving conspiracy theorists.

Contents

But if by some remote chance the apocalypse does happen how exactly might it unfold? That is a very good question. So for the sake of spreading chaos we offer a list of doomsday scenarios, such as:

A super-dimensional being playing the Earth as a golf ball using a 9 Iron to chip the Earth into the center of this Galaxy for a perfect "black-hole-in-one";

The earth is clobbered by a dirty great rock;

A planetary pole shift caused by too many people leaving Poland;

The Sun firing a huge solar blast which strikes the Earth and fries every living being to a crisp;

The Y2K bug shags the HIV bug to produce the plague;

Climate change causing the climate to change by either freezing, cooking or more likely boring the human race to death by not actually changing very much at all;

The human factor might be Ivan in Russia pushing the wrong goddamn button. Dumb Billy-Bob in USA pushing the wrong goddamn button. Nigel in UK pushing the wrong goddamn button. One Hung Lo in China pushing the wrong goddamn button. North Korea wishing they had a wrong-goddamn button to push. Or Iran wishing they knew what a button looked like;

But why might the above happen at this precise time? There must be some reason why crazy conspiracy theorists think these catastrophes will occur on this particular date. Well, after literally weeks of careful reverting of good edits, bogus sockpuppet creations, and shooting-up perverts, Uncyclopedia has been able to distill the knowledge gathered from the collective consciousness into the following reason:

The Mayan calendar was a bit hazy on the past, but clear on December 21, 2012 (center).

Only a single Maya inscription, “Tortuguero”, directly mentions the end of the 13th baktun, which corresponds to 23:18 A.M. on Dec 21, 2012. It has been defaced several times over, though Mayan scholar Mr. T has attempted to conjure up a translation:

A less trendy explanation of why the Mayan Calender ends abruptly is that the Mayan Civilization hasn't been around of late to make a new one because we slaughtered the entire civilization shortly after 'discovering' it. The arrival of the invaders was apparently something which they predicted exactly to the day. No really, to the day. Bullshit? Well look it up.... anyway ... Did we mention the 8,000 books they had? ... and that we apparently torched all but three of them, and that it's mostly from these three books that we actually get all our information about them, and ... What was in the other books? And why in the name of Pee Wee Herman did they burn them all?

Ringo Starr's book, The Secret Teachings of All Ages, inspired further speculation by George, Paul and John in the mid-1970s, noting the relationship of December 21, 2012 with the winter solstice. This date causes the Galactic Alignment - when Earth passes through the Dark Riff, which is mega cool, like an AC/DC power chord. Unless "shit happens" like the cops show up, or your boyfriend gets pregnant.

According to Rockologists the Dark Riff is actually "Purple Haze", or, maybe, "My Generation", or "Smoke On the Water", or "Train Kept-a Rollin'", or "Beat It", or "Hell's Bells", though the commonly accepted version is "Sunshine of Your Love," yet it is actually "Back in Black" that's the real Dark Riff. Note: Some wankers are such disagreeable sods that they might attempt to dispute this foregone conclusion.

But precisely how will we know when the end is nigh? Surely there must be a method by which it is possible to identify when the end is coming? Surely there is some clue with which the beginning of the demise of our planet can be identified? Well, after literally days of careful trolling, admin badgering, and reverting of IPs without checking the edits carefully, Uncyclopedia has been able to distill the knowledge gathered from the collective sub-consciousness into the following ominous sign:

Interest in the 2012 doomsday prediction has spread rapidly in recent years as a result of a groundswell of Internet sites and blogs, as well as numerous books and television series on the subject. These have caused everyone to think, "Holy SHIT!" As well the old Motown hit No where to run to, baby, no where to hide! Is permanently at number one on Billboard.

Over recent years the television network the History Channel has played a major role in scaring the hell out of everyone with their dreadful ideas regarding 2012[3]. In its coverage, it relates to the present day a number of doomsday prophecies derived from non-Mayan sources,[4] referencing (among others) predictions ascribed to the Hopi people, the Book of Revelation by John of Patmos, the Cumaean Sybil, the quatrains of Nostradamus (which specifically mention the end of the world[5]) and a version of the anonymous 14th-century Vaticinia de Summis Pontificibus that the History Channel has dubbed The Lost Verse of The Lost Chapter of The Lost Book of Lost-radamus,[6] as well as the prophecies of the semi-legendary Merlin, Mama Shipton, and Charles Manson[7].

So how do you best survive the rapidly approaching disaster which just might befall us all? There must be some way which mankind can avoid whatever catastrophe might choose to end it all on this fateful day? Well, after literally minutes of careful huffing of articles, random protection of pages, and diligent use of the word Penis in the IRC Channel Uncyclopedia has been able to condense the knowledge gathered from the collective ignorance into the following opinion:

Kill yourself before Dec. 21, 2012. All those who are already dead will be the only survivors.

In conclusion it is important to realize that all the above and many more methods are actually unable to save your sorry life. Therefore the best advice we can suggest is that you don't go listening to any moronic conspiracy theorists. If there is one thing we can't stand it's raving conspiracy theorists.

↑Gruber, Dr. E. R., advice to the History Channel's producers delivered at their request, July 2007, republished in the Nostradamus Research Group October 2007, on the basis of a copy in his possession