A Lot More Dumb Parents Are Leaving Edibles Lying Around for their Kids to Eat

Parents, don’t trust your toddlers. They’re not trying to say “dada,” the word they’re trying to form is “dabs.” The only reason they want to go out and play is so they can score their next fix. And, worst of all, they can’t wait for your back is turned so they can steal your stash.

At least, that’s how you could interpret a new study by the Clinical Pediatrics Journal if you don’t read it very carefully. If you do read it carefully, however, you’ll see that more kids under6 are getting cannabis in their systems than ever before in U.S. recorded history, but it’s not because they’re tree-fiendin’ wastoids. It’s because more not-so-thoughtful parents are leaving their edibles out for them to find.

Even though some states that legalized dro saw a 600% uptick in kids on weed from 2007-2013, almost all of that is accounted for by accidental ingestion. In fact, of all the children under 6 getting blazed, 75% are under the age of 3. In nearly every case, kids are ingesting weed through what pediatricians call “exploratory behavior” – where kids crawl around and eat or mess with everything in their path.

That same behavior is why parents tend to lock up toxic cleaning products and sharp tools. Because kids will drink bleach if you give them a chance. And bleach doesn’t even look, smell, and taste exactly like candy, cookies, and all their other favorite foods.

Henry Spiller, the awesomely-named toxicologist and co-author of the study under discussion, told VICE, “They’re not trying to get high, they’re not trying to use it, these are kids going through the house—that’s their environment, that’s where they live—and coming across THC products.”

While 600% is a big number, marijuana ingestion in the pre-K years is far from an epidemic. By the study’s statistics, only 5.9 per 1 million kids under 6 are exposed to cannabis and cannabis products. So, if your kid is one of those six, you must really be fucking up.

Rowling. But seriously, parents should probably lock up their incredible edibles or keep them out of the house, instead of leaving them next to the cookie jar. Or just switch edible production from THC-packed chocolate and gummies to Brussels sprouts and broccoli. No way kids are eating those with a ten-foot mouth. Am I right?