Life (and death) can be extremely difficult for a corpse, and research has shown that the average corpse suffers from a wide variety of phobias, which we will attempt to explain in this article. Post-mortem terrors plague the dead and often make death an unpleasant experience. If you think you are neurotic now- better prepare for an eternity of expensive psychoanalysis (make sure you are buried with a death-time's supply of sedatives). Death isn't all decomposing girls and rotting corpses- it has its downsides as well.

According to corpsychologist Dr. Vladmir Mortis, most corpses fear being sexually violated by humans. This practice, known to humans as "necrophilia" or "corpse-fucking," is a common occurrence for the corpse. He will be resting peacefully in his coffin only to be awakened by a gang of drunken hillbillys (or pre-meds on meth binges) who have dug up his coffin for the purpose of engaging in unholy sexual relations. Not only will the hillbillys penetrate the usual orifices, but it is common practice for them to make their own holes, often in the skull ("skull-fucking" or "giving head") or stomach ("gut-fucking" or "intestinal insertion"). Corpses complain of horrible nightmares of hillbilly cocks tearing into their eye sockets.

To make things worse, the hillbilllys will often corpse-nap the body and bring it back to their shack or cave. The corpse will be forced to endure sexual violation after sexual violation until nothing but a skeleton is left. According to Sigmund Freud's corpse, "Every time I finally fall asleep I wake up with a redneck cock so far up my ass it almost pokes out my stomach. Most of the time this is an unpleasant experience," he said in between snorting lines of uncut Peruvian cocaine. Many times the inbred will kidnap and exploit their own relatives in depraved acts of necro-incest. Corpses have much to fear in this era of sexual depravity, perversion and other good things.

For the corpse who suffers from claustrophobia, life in a coffin buried six feet beneath the earth can be a living hell. Surrounded by darkness and worms, life in a coffin is a nightmare. For these unfortunate dead bodies, resurrection by a gang of necrophiles is actually a positive experience in which they are liberated from the confines of the casket. Coffins are often tiny with little room for movement, and in the corpse ghettos (or "Potter's fields" in human terms) the corpse is often buried without the benefit of a coffin.

Class distinctions are as obvious for the dead as they are for the living. Upper class, formerly white corpses often reside in gigantic tombs with plenty of room to wander around in and engage in leisure activities. The corpse is often buried with several female corpses who serve as concubines. These corpses live in paradise while others lived in cramped conditions where breathing room is scarce and claustrophobia is everywhere.

Another common fear for the corpse (and please remember they prefer to be called corpses; that terms such as the "undead" and "zombie" are derogative in dead society) is fear of the autopsy, an agonizing procedure in which the corpse is cut open from head to toe, after which her organs are removed and weighed and subject to various probes. After this procedure, the internal organs are stuffed back in and the body is sewn shut. The sight of the body examiner or attending doctor is a terrifying one and the autopsy frequently leads to a condition known as post-traumatic stress disorder. Instruments of torture include ribcutters and bone saws. The whole experience often ends with the corpse being pumped full of formaldehyde, a poison found in cigarettes.

Many times an unattended corpse will be sexually violated by morgue workers, doctors, nurses, orderlies and other hospital attendants. The corpse is relegated to a sexual object, and there are often long lines for the gang-bang. After dozens of rapes the corpse is often full to the bursting point with semen. The autopsy room and the forensics doctors are the objects of fear in corpse society, and there are many urban legends about the crazy coroner/cornholer and the morbid madman mortician, who force the corpses into sexual promiscuity, often times eating pieces of the corpses in a human tradition known as cannibalism. This is seen as a form of revenge against the stereotype of hordes of the undead rising from the Earth to roam around looking for helpless humans to feed on, an unfair stereotype. These madmen often engage in both necrophilia and cannibalism at the same time, proving that the old saying "You can't fuck your corpse and eat it too" is not always correct. Corpses tremble at the thought of this double violation (although certain masochistic corpse-fetishes promote this activity).

This leads to another fear, that of being used for food, often in third world countries where food is scarce and in secret societies where cannibalism is an initiation rite. The corpse ends up in the stomachs of its cruel tormentors, only to be turned into feces and forced into the sewage system. The dead don't go to Heaven, they turn into worm food or end up in the sewer systems after cannibals shit them out- not exactly dignified conditions.

Indeed, the corpse is treated as a piece of trash by many humans who will eat and fuck them against their wills, as well as slicing, dicing, slashing, hacking and chopping them up in bizarre torture procedures known as autopsies. Life may be tough, but death can be a bitch.

RIP

Corpse Phobia is REAL. If you don't believe us -- go here to read more of this debilitating psychological condition.