The Power of Integrated Feelings [Season 01 Episode 06] – Full Transcript

Hi. Rhonda Britten here, and welcome to the Master Coach Mindset™ Podcast. I’m so excited for you to be here because it means that if you’re listening right now or watching that you are committed to becoming masterful in the use of coaching skills.00:01:08 Really, coaching skills are an art. They are, like I say, the “how,” right? The “how” of coaching because again, you can have content. You can have questions to ask. You can have five questions to ask, ten questions to ask, and that’s handy and nice, and wonderful, but if you don’t have the “how” underneath it, the art underneath it, you’re going to be limited in your capacity and your ability to actually use those five questions.

00:01:30 Content is wonderful. We all need content. Yet, this podcast is devoted to the art of coaching like how do you actually coach somebody using any content, any goal, any challenge, and what is the mindset that you need to be able to become really masterful in the coaching arena?

[00:1:48] You might be a life coach, a business coach. You might be a parent. You might be a manager. You might be a leader in a corporation, in a company and want to really inspire and motivate your tribe to live to the company’s values, right?

00:02:02 Whatever job you have, whatever career you have, whatever drove you to even contemplate listening to this podcast today, I want to say thank you. I want to thank you for listening. Thank you for being here with me. Thank you for caring about coaching and coaching skills. I know that coaching skills are really the key to saving this world, key saving our communities, saving our connections with the people we love because when you become masterful in coaching skills, your relationships improve.

00:02:35 Let’s put it this way. When your relationships improve, everything gets better, right? I want you to be able to have loving, empowering, trust-worthy, confident, caring relationships with people you work with, people that you love, your family, your friends, everyone you meet.

00:02:49 Let’s get to line six in the Master Coach Manifesto™. If this is the first time you’re listening, I’m doing a thirteen-part series. In this thirteen-part series is I’m going line by line through something that I created called the Master Coach Manifesto™. You can go to MasterCoachMindset.com, and download the manifesto, and put it up on your wall. Put it on your smartphone as your wallpaper, and look through it.

00:03:17 Don’t look through it from an intellectual point of view like, “Yeah. Uh-huh, got that. Uh-huh, know that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That’s not helpful. Not helpful. Not helpful. Reflection. Stop. Slow down.” Right? “Slow down. Slow down.” We got to be able to slow down to really ask ourselves the tough questions, the deep questions.

00:03:38 Go to MasterCoachMindset.com. Download the manifesto. We are on line six today. I’ve done the other five lines in previous episodes, so you can go back and listen to those. In every episode, not only do I … in this thirteen-part series do I address the line itself and talk about it in depth, but I also give you a tip, and I also answer questions from a coach who’s asked me something that’s perplexing them or frustrating them, or they’re not sure how to handle a situation with a client and/or themselves in their own coaching practice, so stay tuned for those questions. The question today is about when a client is like saying, “I’m good. I don’t need any more coaching.” I’ll be answering that a little bit later on in this podcast.

00:04:23 Line six of the Master Coach Manifesto™ is the following: “A Master Coach honors a client’s feelings, yet listens for alignment, knowing that when the head, heart, body, and soul work together, that determines how free and fearless their client can truly be.” I’m going to say it again as I always do. The first time you listen to something, you’re probably listening on a more intellectual level like, “Yeah, I know that. Yeah. Oh, I heard that before, something like that. Ah, so yeah. Uh-huh, integration. Yeah, uh-huh.”

00:05:02 Now, I want you to listen to it from a whole new place. I want you to put your knowing aside, right, your intellect aside, your brain aside, and I want you to feel it with every cell in your being and really ask yourself, “Are you living this? Are you coaching from this place? Is this how you treat yourself and others in your life? Are you looking for alignment in your life? Are you living from a place of alignment?”

00:05:27 Alignment means clarity, means motivation, means momentum. When you are aligned, everything works for your good. Right? Like when you’re aligned, literally, nothing can stop you. Right? The world will conspire on your behalf as Ralph Waldo Emerson says. The world will conspire on your behalf when you are clear and not just clear intellectually, but clear body, mind, spirit, right?

00:05:56 Let’s listen to it again. Let’s go ahead and shut our eyes. Let’s go ahead and shut our eyes, unless you’re driving. Take a nice deep breath. “A Master Coach honors a client’s feelings, so there’s no wrong feelings. Yet, listens for alignment, knowing that when the heart, head, body, and soul work together, that determines how free and fearless their client can truly be.”

Let’s start talking about, “A Master Coach honors a client’s feelings.” Remember, in our last line, line five, we talked about no right, no wrong. Right? No good, no bad. Right? No mistakes. Well, we’re going to keep building on this right now because a Master Coach honors a client’s feelings. Meaning, feelings in and of themselves are not good or bad.

00:06:55 Now, I’m going to say something that might blow your mind right now because feelings and beliefs can actually be used in service to fear or freedom, so feelings in and of themselves. You know how people say, “Oh, it’s a negative feeling. Anger is a negative feeling.” I actually don’t believe that one eye out.

00:07:13 People have changed the world because of their anger, and they were able to channel their anger in a powerful, positive way. They used that anger to wake themselves up. If you think of Martin Luther King Jr., if you think of Gandhi, right? There had to be a level of upset, a level of rage, a level of anger, a level of like betrayal, a level of something that moved them into action.

00:07:33 Right now, the world has gotten a little too easy, right? Anger is bad, love is good. Uh-uh. Uh-uh, uh-uh. Love can actually be used in service to fear or love can be in used in service to freedom. Same with anger. It can be used in service to fear or in service to freedom.

00:07:52 When I talk about honoring your client’s feelings, you’re not putting them in a box. When they say, “I got really angry,” you don’t say, “Oh, is that a negative or positive feeling?” or, “Wow. What’s that doing to your energy level being so angry?” Right? You’re not implying shame or guilt. You’re not implying that it’s wrong or bad to feel angry. You actually want to help them process their anger, right, and use it for their good, use it in a powerful, positive way.

00:08:18 Let’s take the word “anger,” for instance. Let’s just use “anger.” Again, most of us think of anger as bad, right? There’s a lot of spiritual text that says, “Anger, bad for the soul.” Right? I believe when they’re saying that, they’re really talking about the destructive use of anger to hurt themselves or other people because there’s a feeling called “anger,” and then there’s what you do with that feeling, right?

00:08:46 Love. It’s what you do with that feeling. Right? Then, there’s needs under that, and I’ve said it before in another episode. Well, we’re going to have a whole episode on needs because needs are so confounding. It’s so confusing, and I want to support you in getting really clear with what needs really are and how needs show up for you and your clients so that you can support your clients and yourself better, and really understand how to support people’s needs.

00:09:11 That’s going to be in a further episode, so let’s just stay true to the conversation about feelings right now. We have anger. “I can’t take this one more minute. I’m out of here.” Right? There’s something that’s driving that. “I can’t take this one more minute. I’m out of here.” Whether that’s job, career, whatever. “I can’t take this one more minute. I’m out of here.”

00:09:37 You as the coach get to go, “So, what is it that you can’t take one more minute? What skills do you need in order to shift that? Who do you have to talk to? What do you have to do? What has to change in order for this to be like, ‘I’m done with this. I’m sick of this. I’m out of here?’ What are you done with, and is it okay to be done with it? Do you think you’re not supposed to be done with it? Do you think that there’s value and somehow waiting until this moment? Did you have permission to change it before this moment? Did you have to allow yourself to get this angry before you were actually willing to say you want things different?” because that’s true for a lot of people, by the way.

00:10:20 A lot of people don’t change their life until they get really, really angry externally or angry internally, which turns into depression. Sadly, when you turn it into yourself and it causes depression, then sometimes, you don’t have the wherewithal, the courage, the fortitude to actually make those changes. Right? You feel defeated by the depression itself.

00:10:41 Anger in and of itself, like I said, is a feeling, and you as a Master Coach don’t judge, don’t make feelings bad, but you get under that feeling. Then, when they say, “I’m out of here,” you’re like, “Okay, so what are you out of here? Like what does that mean? What does “out of here” mean?” “I’m not taking it one more minute. I’m quitting my job. I’m leaving this relationship. I’m …” “Okay. Again, what is it that you are sick of, done with? Let’s talk.” “ Well, my boss treats me so poorly. My boss just talks to me in a way that is so condescending.”

00:11:25 I actually had this happen to a client of mine, Victoria. Her boss was emotionally abusive, condescending, rude, and she came to me. She goes, “I’m so sick of it. I’m going to quit my job.” I will always give the same answer to clients when they come and tell me, “I’m going to quit my job,” and I say, ” Okay. When are you thinking?” “I’m quitting tomorrow.” I’m like, “Okay, so how many months of savings do you have? What’s your game plan?” “I don’t know. I don’t have them. I’m just sick of it.” “Okay.”

I always tell my clients, “Great, totally quit your job, and it might be a year from now.” “What?” Because I want them to slow down, right? I say something so shocking to get them to re-align, to get them to go, “What?” That’s what I told my client, Victoria. “Okay, great. You can quit your job, and it might be a year from now.” “What?”00:12:19 I said, “Okay. Do you want … I’m just asking. Do you want to master your boss, or do you want your boss to decide your future?” She’s like, “What?” I go, “Well, you’re telling me that your boss is treating you this way and that way.” Again, I’d use … She would have told me already, right? I’m bringing her language back and going, “You said this, this, and this. Is that true?” “Yes, it is.” “Great, and you say you want to quit, right?” “Yes.” “If you quit, you’re basically letting your boss decide your future. You’re deciding what you’re doing right now. You’re letting your boss decide that, so do you want him to decide, or do you want to master this guy?”

00:13:02 Now, I say a caveat here because if he, the boss, is a true narcissist, completely abusive, I get it, and I’m going to help my client get out of a relationship that’s abusive and a job that’s abusive, but while they’re preparing to do that, I’m going to give my client skills so they know how to handle that person, they know how to have conversation with that person. They know how to put boundaries up. They know how to say yes and no. They know how to care for themselves so that the abuse stops with them.

00:13:33 This is what I did with Victoria. I actually gave her skills, tools, showed her how to have conversations, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera, and she ended up staying in that job. Her boss quit treating her in an abusive manner. He quit talking to her that way because she learned some communication skills to help her put boundaries up, and say yes and no, and to talk to him differently, and she actually was also able to see him differently.

She actually saw his wounded-ness. She actually saw his fear, and so she was able to treat him in a way that was more in alignment with her true value system and more in aligned with the way that we teach here the Life Coach Certification Program™ at the Fearless Living Institute™ our coaches to do that first step, which is see a client innocent, right? See ourselves and a client innocent.

00:14:29 When she did leave because she did eventually leave, her boss, she was the very first client her boss has ever said, “You have an open door here. You can come back anytime you like.” She was so excited that she had gone through that process. She was so excited about really knowing what to say, and how to handle herself, and how to deal with somebody who is being rude, abusive, etcetera, etcetera. She felt empowered and powerful.

00:15:00 If I would have bought into her anger, her going, “I’m done with it. I’m out of here,” and said, “Okay. Well, let’s make a plan. Let’s get out of here,” if I would have taken the bite, if I would have taken the bait and totally went with what she wanted, and made her feelings real and went like, “Oh my god, that’s horrible. I can’t believe you’re dealing with that. That’s just terrible. I don’t want any … I wouldn’t want myself or anybody. Oh my god, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with that,” if I would have gone and did the whole like, “Ugh, ugh, ugh,” she would have felt sorry for herself, and she wouldn’t have seen that she has other choices.

00:15:39 Now, again, it doesn’t mean that I’m not going to say, “Wow, that’s tough. Wow, I’m so sorry that’s happening, and what do you want to do about it?” Right? Like you’re going to say, “And what are you going to do about it?” Right? You don’t stay in sympathy and pity. That doesn’t support, which again we talked about in a different line of the Master Coach Manifesto™.

00:16:00 When I say, “A Master Coach honors a client’s feelings,” Yes, totally. Feel whatever you’d like. I’m right here, totally willing and able to listen with no judgment. I know you got a lot of feelings in there. Let them go. This is the safe place for you to do it. You can feel whatever you need to feel here.” Then, with coaching support, with my questions, then we’re going to take those feelings, right, and have them become something, turn them into something.

00:16:29 Not only are we going to turn those feelings because feelings are just energy. Feelings equal energy. That’s important to note. Fearless tip. Oh, by the way, feelings equal energy. Feelings are just energy, so you got to have powerful places and techniques in order to process those feelings, which I talk about in the Fearless Living Training Program™ or if you come to the Fearless Foundation Workshop™, right?

00:16:52 That’s a key aspect of fear, right? We don’t have any place to put those feelings, so we want to support our clients in order to process those feelings so they can get to the other side of it to know really where they want to go and what they want to do to empower themselves in a powerful, positive way.

00:17:10 When you show, and support, and coach your clients to do this to honor their feelings, shame and blame are released, and the pain of the past is let go off, and they see their children differently, their co-workers differently. They see everything different because they’re getting new neural pathways getting going on in their brain, right? Things are happening.

00:17:31
The second part of this is, “Yet, listens for alignment, knowing that when the head, heart, body, and soul work together, that determines how free and fearless our client will be.” Well, you’re listening, remember? You know how most people, and your clients do this, and you do this, and I do this, right? “ Well, I think I’m going to do this, but I don’t know because this is going, and I don’t know,” and you go back and forth, and back and forth.

00:17:54 Your job is to ask questions like, “Oh, what’s your head saying? What’s your heart saying? What’s your body saying? What do you think your soul is saying?” Your job is to get those all aligned, right? Your job is to get those all aligned because when your head and your heart are colliding in conflict, that’s when we feel stuck. Right?

00:18:15 Let me say that again. When your head and your heart are colliding, you’re in conflict. When your body isn’t aligning with your head and your heart, when your soul isn’t aligned with your head, and your heart, and your body, then there’s conflict. That’s when we feel stuck because we don’t know how to take action. We don’t know what to believe, who to believe, what part of ourselves to believe. Our head? Our heart? Our body? Our soul? What?

00:18:33 When we’re conflicted like that and feeling stuck, it’s really hard to listen to our soul. It’s really hard because we’re so discombobulated. It’s really hard to hear the truth. Really hard, really hard, so your job is to take with question by question, you’re just peeling it away, right, one piece at a time to get to the core alignment. That’s your job. How do you help align them? You can’t do it by saying, “Well, let’s get your head and heart aligned.”

00:19:12 No, you can’t … When we demand that our clients are aligned, they don’t know how to do that when they’re stuck and neither do you, so when I’m talking about these skills, right, that I’m bringing up in the Master Coach Mindset™ Podcast, this is a series of questions. Three questions, ten questions, twenty questions might help them sort it out, right? You can’t just say, “Well, what would it take you to be aligned?” Right?

00:19:54 Most clients will just say whatever they think they should say or the first thing that pops out, or they don’t really … They’re too discombobulated at that moment to actually probably know the answer to that, so you’ve got to be willing to ask the questions to peel back the layers so that they can get it aligned.

00:20:14 Again, when your clients are in conflict, when they’re feeling stuck, when they’re not trusting themselves, then you know their head, heart, body, and soul are not aligned. When people are clear, they’re motivated, inspired, taking action. When your clients are not taking action, when your clients are not finishing their homework, when your clients are not moving forward, key, key, key. It means they’re not aligned.

That is important to remember. When your clients are not taking action, when they’re not doing their homework, when they’re not doing what they say they want to do, then you know a part of them is misaligned. They are not aligned. They are not clear. Even though they say they are, they’re not because when you’re clear, you’re an action machine. You’re inspired. You’re motivated. You’re moving.

So many coaches, and I hear this all the time, right? They get exasperated with their clients. “They’re not doing their homework. Ugh.” Right? First of all, a percentage of your clients will never do their homework. It’s not how they work. They’re not going to do it. Just know that. For the majority of your clients that will do their homework, they’re not doing it because they’re not aligned. They haven’t bought in. Right? They don’t get it. They don’t get the value. If they don’t get the value, they’re not going to do it, and it’s not going to be a priority, so your job is to coach them through that with your questions to help them get aligned, and with their alignment, they choose the value, and they’re able to take action.

Does this make sense? This is really important. I actually can’t tell you how important this is. This is super important. Alignment is the key to clarity and action. Write that down. Right? You got to be aligned in order to have clarity and take action. Got to do it, okay?

[00:22:18] Let’s talk about the question of the day. The question is, a coach sent this in said, “What do you do when a client says, ‘I don’t want to make more changes right now. I’m good for a while?'” You’re the coach. A client comes to you. “Hey, I don’t want to make any more changes. I’m good.” Well, the first thing out of your mouth is, “Wow, congratulations. That’s amazing,” because they just got on telling you they’re good, right? They’re good. “I’m good for a while. I don’t want to make any more changes. I’m good.”

00:22:55 Your job is not to insult them, blame them, judge them. Your job is to go, “Wow, congratulations. That’s amazing. Tell me about the changes you’ve made. Tell me how you’ve embodied them. Tell me how your life is changed.” So then, you’re anchoring for them the changes they have made. You’re doing that. You’re anchoring it for them, right?

00:23:14 When a client comes to me and says, “ I’m done. I’m good,” I’m like, “Yeah, tell me how good is. Tell me what good looks like. Tell me the difference between when you first started coaching with me to now. I want to hear it all.” Then, I’m going to say things like, “Okay. This is amazing. So, where are the tweaks? Where are the twists? Where are the little things that you want to tweak now? Give me the scoop.”

00:23:35 They’re like, “Well, this, that. This, that.” “Great. You’re ready to take steps in that movement, ready to move forward. I can’t wait to get you up because that stuff I know is going to clear you out A, B, and C. I know that stuff is going to da, da, da, da, da. Why don’t we get a session on the books a month from now to do a check-in, or three weeks from now, or two weeks from now?” because sometimes your client, if you’re working with them weekly, really, it’s about scaling back to every other week, or if you’re working with them weekly, scaling from an hour “session time” to a half hour. Right?

00:24:09 It might just be their schedule doesn’t work for weekly anymore or even every other week. It might be every three weeks. One of the things is just getting clear on their priorities, and do they want to handle these little things that are popping up? Then, you get a schedule, a session on the books a month from now, three weeks from now to do a check-in, and then see how they’re doing.

00:24:41 Again, people change in waves, so a client comes to me. They work with me a year and a half, three years, four years on average, and then they do go off and do their own thing for a while, right? Then, they come back in, right? Then, they work with me for a little bit. Another problem, another dream, right? Then, they go away.

00:24:46 That’s normal. That’s normal. It’s not a function of you being a bad coach. That’s just the normal process of integration. A client has to move away from you for a while to actually integrate what they’ve just learned from you to see how it works, but your job is to make sure they don’t leave until you are really clear how they’ve changed and how they’ve integrated so they can have the awakening, they can have the awareness of like, “Wow. Okay, I get it now. I get … Yes, this has been valuable.” You say things like, “Tell me the one thing you’ve gotten out of our work together.”

00:25:19 Actually, the Fearbuster™ Coaching Toolkit that I’ve created for you at MasterCoachMindset.com, I’ve got videos of how to open a session, how to close a session, et cetera to help you anchor some of the tools that I’ve talked about today. Make sure, if you haven’t gone over to MasterCoachMindset.com, get over there now and make sure to download this transcript for today. Make sure you download the Fearbuster™ Coaching Tool of the day, and make sure, if you haven’t signed up for the toolkit, get it because it’s going to support you in knowing what happens when a client says, “I’m good. Hey, hey. Right? I’m awesome.” You’re like, again, always, “Wow, good work. Yay.”

00:25:50 Not from a false perspective, but because if they think they’re good, you believe them, and then you ask them questions to double check, right? “Yay.” Double check. “Yay.” Double check. “Yay.” Double check. It’s not just, “Yay.” It’s not just like, “Oh, okay. Great. All right, so was there anything you want to talk about?” No, that’s … Mm-mm, mm-mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. No. You ask. You help them get clear. You help them come full circle. You talk about their future and you talk about moving forward, so make sure you go over to MasterCoachMindset.com and download the transcript of today. Make sure you get the Master Coach Manifesto™.

00:26:43 We are literally on line six, the sixth part of a thirteen-part series. We have seven more to go. As always, I answer one of your questions, so make sure you go to MasterCoachMindset.com and ask me a question, and I look forward to answering yours right here on this podcast.

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I’ve been Coaching for 3+ years, though with lots of life changes in this past year, my skills have become dull + dusty. I definitely needed a refresher + was thrilled to hear in Episode 1 a few simple tips to do just that ... things I know + have forgotten + things I’ve never heard another Trainer or Coaching School teach. Rhonda is the real deal. If you’re looking to cut to the chase with your Coaching + your clients, subscribe, listen + learn from the very best in the business.

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