Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that skirts child labor laws with no consequence.

Week 17 is here! That means next week is the playoffs! That means football season is almost over! OH NOOOOO!!! It’s bittersweet, because there are so few games left, but the quality of said games should improve drastically. Right? No more Tennessee. No more Jacksonville. No more most of the NFC South even though for some stupid reason we’ll still be stuck with one of them. There’s no way the games can continue to be shitty, is there? Well, a lot of the games that already happened between this year’s playoff teams were blowouts. Really the Pats/Packers and Broncos/Seahawks games were the only great games this year and pretty much everything else was trash. I have to be optimistic though, because if you told me today that every playoff game would be a 38-17 blowout and that the Steelers were going to play the Cowboys in the Super Bowl I would probably drive a car off a very long pier and into the side of a ship, even though this is probably exactly what’s going to happen. I’m going to have to listen to people talk about how Tony Romo has finally exercised his playoff demons and how much Ben Roethlisberger has matured since he (maybe) stopped raping people and crashing motorcycles. FUUUUCCCCKKKK this just got really depressing. Let’s just move on. ON TO THE PICKS! Last week’s picks went 7-9, so I need to go 10-6 this week to break .500 on the season. CAN I DO IT?? No. But fuck it. As always, home team is in caps.

Detroit +8 vs. GREEN BAY

Hey, there was no Thursday Night Football this week! And guess what? NOBODY DIED! Take note of that, NFL. We don’t need it. We don’t want it. Please for the love of God stop subjecting us to it.

So I think Green Bay wins this game, I just don’t see it being a blowout even though the Packers blow out everybody at home and I am always wrong. Still, the Packers only scored seven points in the first meeting which leads me to believe that the Lions know the secret to making Aaron Rodgers not so fucking great all the time. Or maybe they’ll just get torched like they did at New England. This pick may have been a mistake.

Jacksonville +9.5 vs. HOUSTON

Why would I take the Jaguars in a game that Houston needs to win? When they’re giving up the most sacks in football and have to find a way to block JJ Watt? When Houston just beat the shit out of Baltimore, a team that is much better than Jacksonville? Because the Texans’ quarterback is named Case. That’s why.

Indianapolis -7 vs. TENNESSEE

Indy is locked into the four seed, so this game means nothing to them and they don’t have to win it. But they will. Tennessee is terrible. I would argue that they are the least talented team in the NFL but to find someone to argue against me I would probably have to seek out a family member of someone who actually plays for the Titans. So if you have a family member who plays for the Titans, and would like to lose an argument, please contact me.

BALTIMORE -10 vs. Cleveland

I don’t know who Cleveland’s quarterback is going to be in this game but they reached out to Rex Grossman and he told them no. Rex Grossman would not accept thousands of dollars to spend one week in Cleveland and Baltimore. I have to believe he could really use that money too, so that says all you need to know about these miserable cities.

NEW ENGLAND -4.5 vs. Buffalo

The Patriots are a little unpredictable with how they manage their starters in these meaningless end-of-season games. I would guess guys that have been dealing with injuries will see limited time, while guys that have been relatively healthy will play most of the game, but it’s possible that Belichick could just trot out the entire 2010 Rutgers team or maybe like, a bunch of birds. How would you even tackle them?! The man is a genius!

MIAMI -5.5 vs. NY Jets

Geno Smith, a Pro-Bowler in his own mind, heads to Miami, where he will almost certainly “play really good” again, as long as that means continuing to throw interceptions that lose winnable games for his team. I’m fine with players having confidence, but when it borders on delusion that’s where it gets to be ridiculous. Geno Smith is like the Freddie Mitchell of quarterbacks, except somehow he’s worse, which is crazyshoes because Freddie Mitchell was so bad at football that they put him in jail.

ATLANTA -3.5 vs. Carolina

It’s the battle for worst playoff team ever! Atlanta won one game against teams that aren’t in the NFC South and they might get to host a playoff game against probably the Cardinals or Lions who actually won meaningful football games against good teams. Crowning one of these teams a division champion is going to be like when the mean kids vote for the girl with the unibrow to be prom queen. They might feel good about winning something, but they shouldn’t because everybody is secretly laughing at them.

Chicago +6 vs. MINNESOTA

Well the Jimmy Clausen era didn’t last long after all, as Ziggy Ansah hit him so hard in the head that he probably got CTE on contact. The Bears didn’t even know he was concussed until a few days later because, as one Bears insider told me “we just assumed he was always a dead-eyed mouth-breather.”

KANSAS CITY -3 vs. San Diego

If the Chargers win they get into the playoffs, a year after a win over KC’s backups made them one of the more unlikely playoff teams in recent history. This year Andy Reid will be looking for revenge as soon as he’s done looking for that Oreo that fell out of his hand and rolled under his recliner. It’s entirely possible that he misses the game though, because after putting his body through the rigors of bending down and reaching for something he’ll have to nap for 36 hours or so.

NY GIANTS -3 vs. Philadelphia

Fuck off.

Dallas -5.5 vs. WASHINGTON

Jay Gruden might be coaching his last game in Washington, as he fucked up and mismanaged this team so badly that people actually stopped talking about their racist name for most of the season. If he doesn’t get fired, there’s a good chance Bobby Griffiths Jr. will be playing his last game for Washington. If they end up with Gruden instead of BGJr then they will have essentially paid one first round draft pick more for their coach than Tampa paid for his brother. That is three first round picks too many to end up stuck with Jay Gruden. You don’t even want to give up a toothpick for Jay Gruden. He’s the Jim Belushi of NFL coaches.

New Orleans -3.5 vs. TAMPA BAY

Tampa has to be playing to lose so they can get the number one pick in the draft and maybe start turning this sinking ship around. Nobody should watch this game. If there are any fans in the stadium at all I will just assume that they got lost on the way to their probation check-in.

SEATTLE -12.5 vs. St. Louis

Seattle locks up home field advantage with a win here, and they get to do it at home where they are usually much better than they are on the road. Marshawn Lynch was fined $11K for grabbing his dick as a touchdown celebration which is kind of stupid because baseball players grab their dicks constantly and don’t get fined for it. Never shake hands with a baseball player. You might as well be jerking him off.

SAN FRANCISCO -6 vs. Arizona

Oh FUCK YOU for blowing that game last week 49ers. I turned it off at halftime to go get drunk like a hero and I check my phone two hours later and it turns out you guys spent the entire second half sucking your own dicks and letting Phillip Rivers destroy you. I hope you guys give up Ryan Lindley’s first eight NFL touchdowns this week. Assholes.

DENVER -14 vs. Oakland

IS PEYTON MANNING DONE SHOULD BROCK OSWHATEVER BE THE NEW QUARTERBACK?!! Why isn’t anyone shouting this stuff like they were about Brady earlier this season? Manning has been far worse over the past few weeks than Brady was to start the season. For the record I don’t think Manning is done. He’ll probably come out and throw for six touchdowns in this game and then torch the Colts or Steelers or whoever in the second round of the playoffs. I don’t know what’s more annoying: the fact that Manning probably still has a few more great years in him, or the fact that even if he retired his stupid face would be all over the TV because he’d have more time to dick around with Papa John in commercials. He’ll probably be selling reverse mortgages to gullible old fucks on basic cable long after I’m dead and buried.

PITTSBURGH -4 vs. Cincinnati

The final game of the regular season decides the winner of the AFC North and I couldn’t give less of a shit about who wins this stupid division. Pittsburgh is kind of rolling at the moment; much like Big Ben rolled his motorcycle and broke his face like a big dumb idiot. I hope both of these teams fail spectacularly in the playoffs and then on the way home both quarterbacks are eaten by wolves. I don’t think that’s unreasonable.

LAST WEEK: 7-9-0 *tree falls in the woods but it was full of bees and then the bees come to my house and sting me*