AND the new leader of Al-Qaeda is… (rustles envelope; looks up to cameras; smiles…)… Anthea Turner. Only joking, Anthea. TV’s sweetheart sits back down at the Holiday Inn, Slough, Ascot function room. The new leader is… Ayman al-Zawahiri.

Voice over (Graham Norton): “Mr Al-Zawahiri takes over the job from Osama bin Laden, who was forcibly retired at an EGM earlier this year.”

“The sheikh has departed, may God have mercy on him, to his God as a martyr and we must continue on his path of jihad to expel the invaders from the land of Muslims and to purify it from injustice. Today, and thanks be to God, America is not facing an individual or a group, but a rebelling nation, which has awoken from its sleep in a jihadist renaissance.

“This was a team effort.

“I’d like to thank the video crew, the women in the typing pool, Waitrose, Mr Eastwood, Meryl Streep and everyone who voted for me. I don’t feel very deserving of this… I’d like to thank everyone at Miramax Films Kabul for their undying support. I would not be in this room if it were not for the incredible talents of Mr Tony Hart, my agent Barry Sleazeman, Al Jarreau, my earthly guardian angel Sir Bob Geldof, my grandpa who created a beautiful family… Sobs.

“I’d like to spare a few words for my fellow contstant who wer unlucky on this occassion – Rabbi Levy, Father Patrick O’Shea, the Vicar of Dibley, Father Ted, Tony Blair, Justin Bieber from the youth wing, dear, dear Chris Biggins, Charlie Sheen, Nick Clegg and many more. Maybe next time, guys.”

Sounds of gnashing teeth.

“Thank, you. Thank you. Thank you so much for allowing the small Muslim boy to get that bit closer to achieving his dream of killing millions of people…”